# I found divorce papers...



## JCash205

My wife had two blue folders on the dresser....they were divorce papers.

When confronted she said "I just printed them out, I haven't made up my mind, but I don't love you. I was going to wait until after my birthday, because my parents paid for a trip to New York" 

She told me I "shouldn't go snooping" they were for a "no fault separation."

I'm a military spouse, with no children, living in a state with no family...she is all I have. She wants to take 2 of my 3 dachshunds, leaving me with the oldest.

What can I/should I do? Do I fight and try and save my marriage...or do I make this long and costly for her?


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## GuyInColorado

She doesn't love you.... let her go and find someone you will be happy with. 

Count yourself lucky to only fight about dogs. You can get a new dog easily. 

I wouldn't drag it out. If you are lonely, get on POF.COM and you'll find some bangable chicks in no time. Have fun!

My divorce is final next week, life is great! You will survive buddy, we all do.


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## Bibi1031

JCash205 said:


> What can I/should I do? Do I fight and try and save my marriage...or do I make this long and costly for her?


Neither. Just set her free and focus on staying sober. You will be so much better off without this albatross around your neck.

Good riddance!


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## 225985

Tell her the dogs stay with you or you will make the divorce long and costly. They need to stay together.


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## Bibi1031

blueinbr said:


> Tell her the dogs stay with you or you will make the divorce long and costly. They need to stay together.


Who paid for the dogs?


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## JCash205

She paid for one, the other two we got for free.


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## WorkingOnMe

You're a military....spouse. With dachshunds?


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## JCash205

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're a military....spouse. With dachshunds?


Yup.


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## Bibi1031

JCash205 said:


> She paid for one, the other two we got for free.


Well sorry to say this, but you can't make this divorce long and costly if you want to use the dogs.

They are pretty much hers.

I know you probably love them, but you can't win this one.


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## SunCMars

No, do not fight for the marriage. She said that she does not love you. Take her at her word.

No, do not make the divorce process long and costly. Why would you want to do this? Does her past marital behavior warrant nasty retaliation?

Is she excessively abusive? Is she a cheater? If she is either of these, then be glad she is bailing out of the marriage.

She may have another man all lined up. If she does, would you want anything more to do with her? If knowing the reason for her leaving you would make it easier for you to divorce, then secretly snoop on her.

That said, I would give her her wish. I would not snoop, I would remain curious though. Once you guys separate, she likely would quickly get together with the "possible" POSOM.

This is cold on her part. Had you not found those papers you would not have known how unhappy she is............not that I believe that for a second, that you did not see this coming.

There had to be red flags flying everywhere....Correct?


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## JCash205

I feel like a failure.


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## Bibi1031

JCash205 said:


> I feel like a failure.


Don't do that to yourself. Go to a meeting and talk to your sponsor. You need to let go of that that you cannot control. You know this. Follow the AA mantra...it will get you through this and sober too.

You need your AA team to have your back yesterday!


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## 6301

Give her all three dogs, sign the papers and tell her that the only one going to New York is you. She needs to take that time to find another place to live that will allow three weiner dogs because she's no longer welcome in the home. Her going to NY will make for a lousy trip for all.


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## MachoMcCoy

Kind of puts a new spin on her clubbing with the gay wingman, huh? Still no interest in seeing what goes on at the clubs? It would be killing me.


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## MachoMcCoy

JCash205 said:


> What can I/should I do? Do I fight and try and save my marriage...or do I make this long and costly for her?


You pack a bag and grab and as much cash and credit cards as you can, you walk out the door and you never look back.

But I know you won't. Good luck staying in your abusive relationship. I feel for you dude. You're 27. You have your life ahead of you. Please don't blow it.



http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/335585-am-i-bad-person.html

No, but you're a sick person. Get out and get help. You need to figure out why you would stay with a woman that treats you like this.


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## GuyInColorado

The hardest part is coming to the acceptance phase that your marriage is over. The second hardest part is separating and start the divorce process. It took me years of living a miserable life to get the balls to do it. 

Be thankful you aren't like other guys on here "stuck" in miserable and sexless marriages for decades. You are getting out while you're young and have your life ahead of you.


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## niceguy28

Cut your losses man. You will find somebody better. Pack your bags and go back home and forget about this lady. I know you want the dogs but this is your life we are talking about. Make a clean break and do it ASAP.


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## EnjoliWoman

Neither. Why draw it out? If it costs her it cuts into marital assets. Divide the dogs in the way that makes sense - are the two closer to each other? Do any of them prefer you over her? Get out, get help.


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## ABHale

I would not go on the trip to New York with your wife. Pack like you are going but when it comes time to get on the plane wish her luck catch an other flight and go home and visit family.

Make plans to move back to your home town so you can be around friends and family.

Go ahead and file yourself. Ask for the dogs when you file.


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## Bibi1031

How are you doing JCash?


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## TiredHubby2791

She was really going to stay with you for your birthday and score a free trip on your parents? As we said in the military.....WTF-Over?! Kick her to the curb, give her the silly wiener dogs, take the trip up to NY, and give yourself a break. Stay away from any substances during this time period. They only mask the pain, they never solve what is wrong. You don't need to be numb right now, you need to be angry for a minute. You deserve to be happy and have a life that rewards you.


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## Openminded

She doesn't love you. What would you be trying to save? 

Divorce her, go back where you have friends and family (if that's what you want) and restart your life.


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## JCash205

TiredHubby2791 said:


> She was really going to stay with you for your birthday and score a free trip on your parents? As we said in the military.....WTF-Over?! Kick her to the curb, give her the silly wiener dogs, take the trip up to NY, and give yourself a break. Stay away from any substances during this time period. They only mask the pain, they never solve what is wrong. You don't need to be numb right now, you need to be angry for a minute. You deserve to be happy and have a life that rewards you.


It was her birthday, and it was her parent's.


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## JCash205

So I had an interesting weekend:

My wife told me why she sought to print these papers out, and she gave me valid reasons:

I don't have a career, as a military spouse I fell into the trap of being comfortable. I did little around the house, when I had money I spent it on booze, I was a bad husband who let his anger and drinking control him, I was cold hearted, and I treated her poorly. I saw the warning signs, she wouldn't change her last name, she sought another man as a friend, wouldn't kiss me on the lips. 

She told me "you're a far cry from the man I married" and she was 100% right...it was cold to hear that but it was the truth. 

She then told me she wasn't going to disrupt my life, I had time to finish my degree and she would give me one of the cars, and make sure I had a stable footing to move where I wanted. She said "because I'm a nice person, and I feel responsible for letting you get lazy like this." Okay cool, it was better than getting dumped on the street.

So I asked a friend who had just had a divorce what to do, he said to me "think of it this way, you lost who you were...you can either let it destroy you or take the time to rebuild yourself. Your wife is either going to see the man she fell in love with and give you a second chance or she's going to move on. You can't convince her with words, it's actions that will do anything. Fight like you're going to win, or don't even bother."

My wife and I had already made plans to go to DC for a comic con, and she said "only go if you want to go." So I figured...what the hell might be my last time to see DC for awhile so I went along for the ride.

The trip up was painful, I was having an almost constant panic attack, but I was hiding it very well...and I had to tell myself that I needed to be steel and not glass during this time. I thought of asking "what's wrong" but I already knew, she saw that I loved her and that I wanted things to change but she then was reminded of all of my failures, funny...I finally could tell what she was thinking without asking.

We arrived in DC and went to the convention, on the subway I looked out the window and though of a life plan, what to do in the event of the worst happening and I took some time to pray to a higher power...and basically I came to the conclusion that I needed to live my life to improve me, and not try and improve her. So I took charge, led from the front and she followed me around like a lost puppy, I was in the front of things and made choices and she went along with them...it was odd but liberating. 

At the convention we walked around, she looked a sexy swimsuits and said "I might look good in this" and I held back making any concrete comments...because I might not see her in them, or worse see her in it with another man. She would say "this would look great in the house" and again, I just smiled and went along with it...not really revealing my hand. I had to be very guarded in what I said/reacted...a sign of weakness would sink me.

Eventually we went to a subway for dinner, and we finally had a talk on a stable footing. I sat back and told her flat out how I had failed in the marriage, what I wanted and planned to do, and then I finally got her to talk. She admitted she didn't know why she printed out the papers, and I told her she basically went nuclear when she got caught with them, and she admitted that she didn't know if she wanted to scare me with them, or go through. 

All I told her was this:
The time I have left, I'm getting my **** in order.
I'm not going to sit around feeling sorry for myself.
I'm in charge of my actions.
If we divorce, I'm moving back to our home town, she will be blocked from all forms of media and I will NEVER see her again. Why? because it would be too painful to see her with another man, and to know just how much I had failed.
If at the end of this time, she sees a man worth staying with, cool I'm open to giving this another shot...but I wasn't going to beg and plead.

Her behavior towards me improved dramatically...over the weekend we had more of these talks, and my confidence improved. Divorce is scary, but I wasn't letting it rule my life...

We had a good time together, and we got close again, we didn't have sex, but we just...improved...we were actually speaking and communicating feelings. I think she enjoyed seeing me lead from the front.

Yet I keep telling myself, that was just one weekend...to really succeed here I need to do this: every single day...and I cannot let up.

When we got home, I did all of the house chores, I folded and did our laundry, cleaned up from the dogs, made dinner...told her to go take a shower and relax. 

The fact is guys, is I'm going to fight like hell to save myself as a man and as a human being, if it saves my marriage it's a bonus. Come hell or high water when December hits I'll have a college degree. I either stay married, or I don't....but I want to leave this with my head held high and not a defeated person. 

In that time, she'll either see the man she fell in love with, or she wont...I told her flat out it's her call and not mine.


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## Bibi1031

JCash205 said:


> It was her birthday, and it was her parent's.


So how are things going for ya?


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## JCash205

Bibi1031 said:


> So how are things going for ya?


I think I posted my reply before you did, XD


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## Tron

JCash205 said:


> ...I told her flat out it's her call and not mine.


I like everything you said, except this. 

Because by the time you are done getting your **** together, you may figure out that you really don't like her or want her anymore.

The weekend was a good start. Keep it going.


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## Bibi1031

You sure did, sorry.:smile2:

Well this is a turn of events for the better all way around. Good for you for getting up and dusting off!

That's what strong people do. That's what healthy people do too!

I'm glad you are leading through actions. You are right, you can't fall into old patterns and let communication between you two mess you guys up.

Keep those lines of communication going in the right direction. Keep moving forward in a positive way. If you feel like you are slipping away from the determined path, use your wonderful team from AA. They will help you through this. You are still in the process of recovery. You need them as your anchor and your faith is the fuel to push you through all this and succeed.

I'm glad not all is lost in the marriage department. Hopefully it makes it into a stronger, better marriage for both of you.


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## Marc878

Sometimes getting a good plan in place is the hardest part. Now all you have to go is execute it.

If I were you I'd check the phone bill just so you know what you're up against if there's anything else.

Good luck to you.


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## JCash205

I got my **** together this morning, and I started moving forwards.

I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table." 

Not sure what that means...


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## GusPolinski

She still hanging out w/ her "friend"?


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## JCash205

Yeah...but he's putting distance between them. I made it stupid awkward and asked him for advice. He's currently hanging out with a woman who has a kid more.


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## Bibi1031

JCash205 said:


> I got my **** together this morning, and I started moving forwards.
> 
> I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table."
> 
> Not sure what that means...


How old is she maturity wise...14?

Sheesh, talk about a game player!


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## Tron

JCash205 said:


> I got my **** together this morning, and I started moving forwards.
> 
> I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table."
> 
> Not sure what that means...


Throw it back in her face: "I'm not sure what you mean by that honey. Does that mean we can date and be intimate with someone else now?"

Anything but a "NO", tells you everything that you need to know.


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## Betrayedone

Play your own game, Player. Good job! Just keep working on you.........You are on the right path.


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## Marc878

180, 180, 180. 

You probably should take some time and think about what you want. It would be a cold day in hell before I'd go on a trip with her and her parents. 

Do you really want to stay in this?


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## Marc878

JCash205 said:


> I got my **** together this morning, and I started moving forwards.
> 
> I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table."
> 
> Not sure what that means...


Sounds like you are plan B in case other man doesn't work out. 

Why stay?


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## JCash205

Marc878 said:


> Sounds like you are plan B in case other man doesn't work out.
> 
> Why stay?


because I get a free trip to NYC outta the deal, and a place to stay whilst I get my affairs in order, and finish my degree. 

If I'm plan B, so be it...I wont head back home with my tail between my legs, it'll be with my head held high and can honestly look people in the face and say I fought. 

Right now, I'm in pure survival mode.

I also did some digging, apparently begging and pleading does **** all...if anything it makes me look weak and I'm at the stage where she is deciding if I'm worth going on with, worth having children with, worth anything. 

She needs to see a man who is confident, unafraid to take on the world, who is a safe bet. I'm going to eat/breath/sleep confidence.

Yet at the same time, I'll put her at arms length, be cool with, and treat her with respect and dignity, keep up communication, but just get rid of all that needy bull****. 

Basically be sorta like an *******...but not an *******...

Woman don't like men who are afraid, and not confident...I'll live my life how I choose and kick ass doing it, if she's not game...she's not game.


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## Lostinthought61

Remember this is not a fight it is a lifestyle change you need to accept and live if not as man and wife with her then ultimately with yourself first and with the new wife later. And don't be afriad to her that when she sees the changes in you that you, tell her that you love her but if she is still looking to move that you doing this for you and your future wife.


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## Marc878

JCash205 said:


> I also did some digging, apparently begging and pleading does **** all...if anything it makes me look weak and I'm at the stage where she is deciding if I'm worth going on with, worth having children with, worth anything.


You are correct.

Read this it may help
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=RonhDSMsHI.tD82imoQMEIAauc4-


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## threelittlestars

So....Just how far did the affair go? HERS i mean. You stated that she developed a "FRIENDSHIP" this is why the papers. I hope you are investigating. You don't like the idea of seeing her with another man....I think she already was.


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## Marduk

If you want even a small shot at winning her back, you don't just have to let her go.

You have to throw her out.

She's doing what MEM here calls "the precipice dance." She's dancing on the edge so she gets you afraid and walking on eggshells while she gets to shop for another man (or men).

Of which there has been at least one.

While she gets the comfort and safety of the marriage, because you are only going halfway.

Do this.

Call your lawyer. See if the divorce agreement is fair.

If it isn't, have him draw up a new one. If it is, sign it and give it to her.

With a message that she has a x weeks to find someplace else to live, and she sleeps in another bedroom until she's gone. Because she's the one that wants out, and let at least one other man into her life.

And then just don't be around. Come and go with funny hours, with a smile on your face. Eat well, exercise. Don't respond to her phone calls, texts, nothing.

Make a plan for your single life and start living it. Not dating -- you're not ready and it's too confusing -- but go do stuff. Hang with your buddies. It's summer, do baseball or whatever. Do things that make you happy and let you rejoin the human race.

And totally live as if she never existed.


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## GusPolinski

JCash205 said:


> because I get a free trip to NYC outta the deal, and a place to stay whilst I get my affairs in order, and finish my degree.
> 
> If I'm plan B, so be it...I wont head back home with my tail between my legs, it'll be with my head held high and can honestly look people in the face and say I fought.
> 
> Right now, I'm in pure survival mode.
> 
> I also did some digging, apparently begging and pleading does **** all...if anything it makes me look weak and I'm at the stage where she is deciding if I'm worth going on with, worth having children with, worth anything.
> 
> *She needs to see a man who is confident, unafraid to take on the world, who is a safe bet. I'm going to eat/breath/sleep confidence.
> 
> Yet at the same time, I'll put her at arms length, be cool with, and treat her with respect and dignity, keep up communication, but just get rid of all that needy bull****.*
> 
> Basically be sorta like an *******...but not an *******...
> 
> Woman don't like men who are afraid, and not confident...I'll live my life how I choose and kick ass doing it, if she's not game...she's not game.


Sooo... would you say that you're trying to "walk the line"?

:lol: :rofl:


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## StilltheStudent

marduk said:


> If you want even a small shot at winning her back, you don't just have to let her go.
> 
> You have to throw her out.
> 
> She's doing what MEM here calls "the precipice dance." She's dancing on the edge so she gets you afraid and walking on eggshells while she gets to shop for another man (or men).
> 
> Of which there has been at least one.
> 
> While she gets the comfort and safety of the marriage, because you are only going halfway.
> 
> Do this.
> 
> Call your lawyer. See if the divorce agreement is fair.
> 
> If it isn't, have him draw up a new one. If it is, sign it and give it to her.
> 
> With a message that she has a x weeks to find someplace else to live, and she sleeps in another bedroom until she's gone. Because she's the one that wants out, and let at least one other man into her life.
> 
> And then just don't be around. Come and go with funny hours, with a smile on your face. Eat well, exercise. Don't respond to her phone calls, texts, nothing.
> 
> Make a plan for your single life and start living it. Not dating -- you're not ready and it's too confusing -- but go do stuff. Hang with your buddies. It's summer, do baseball or whatever. Do things that make you happy and let you rejoin the human race.
> 
> And totally live as if she never existed.


To marduk you listen!


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## JCash205

Easy to do if I had the dough to afford to pay the bills. Throwing her out isn't really an option.

Burning her via virginia divorce laws though, that can be arranged easily. Even if she pays Ohio taxes...our legal residence is in Virginia...and she just registered a car here. We don't have VA ID's though...

I know what I need to do here, buy time and use tricare to my advantage...get my body and mind straight and then be on a more stable footing to hit the ground running when (or if?) this collapses.

Until then I'm stepping on my game around the house, I'm not needy at all, I'm hitting the gym, and I'm getting my **** together. I premade her dinner, all she had to do was cook it (I made meatballs) and did some laundry. My therapist told me flat out, being needy is a fail move, but small acts of kindness, whilst not pressuring is going to win her back, or at the very least buy time.


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## threelittlestars

JCash205 said:


> Easy to do if I had the dough to afford to pay the bills. Throwing her out isn't really an option.
> 
> Burning her via virginia divorce laws though, that can be arranged easily. Even if she pays Ohio taxes...our legal residence is in Virginia...and she just registered a car here. We don't have VA ID's though...
> 
> I know what I need to do here, buy time and use tricare to my advantage...get my body and mind straight and then be on a more stable footing to hit the ground running when (or if?) this collapses.
> 
> Until then I'm stepping on my game around the house, I'm not needy at all, I'm hitting the gym, and I'm getting my **** together. I premade her dinner, all she had to do was cook it (I made meatballs) and did some laundry. My therapist told me flat out, being needy is a fail move, but small acts of kindness, whilst not pressuring is going to win her back, or at the very least buy time.


You are ALMOST doing all the right things now. Besides making her dinner. Look up 180, basically what your therapist is recommending you do. One of the rules is don't go out of your way to help the other person. To attain Independence you must squash codependence, Making her dinner is a co dependent action. Not going to help you much.


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## Bibi1031

threelittlestars said:


> You are ALMOST doing all the right things now. Besides making her dinner. Look up 180, basically what your therapist is recommending you do. One of the rules is don't go out of your way to help the other person. To attain Independence you must squash codependence, Making her dinner is a co dependent action. Not going to help you much.


He is the one staying at home. He is keeping his end of the bargain here. Good for you Cash! Finish you ur school, get sober, and if the marriage survives great; if not, you will walk away with your head held high, new career and free of detrimental behaviors. You win no matter what happens!


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## the guy

JCash205 said:


> because I get a free trip to NYC outta the deal, and a place to stay whilst I get my affairs in order, and finish my degree.
> 
> If I'm plan B, so be it...I wont head back home with my tail between my legs, it'll be with my head held high and can honestly look people in the face and say I fought.
> 
> Right now, I'm in pure survival mode.
> 
> I also did some digging, apparently begging and pleading does **** all...if anything it makes me look weak and I'm at the stage where she is deciding if I'm worth going on with, worth having children with, worth anything.
> 
> She needs to see a man who is confident, unafraid to take on the world, who is a safe bet. I'm going to eat/breath/sleep confidence.
> 
> Yet at the same time, I'll put her at arms length, be cool with, and treat her with respect and dignity, keep up communication, but just get rid of all that needy bull****.
> 
> Basically be sorta like an *******...but not an *******...
> 
> Woman don't like men who are afraid, and not confident...I'll live my life how I choose and kick ass doing it, if she's not game...she's not game.


Worth repeating!


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## the guy

Never ever let your old ladies shyt define you!


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## JCash205

I also found and tossed the divorce papers.

If she is really "unsure" well then she's gonna have to really be sure when she prints them out again.


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## JCash205

So I've been reading up on "beta" and "alpha" moves.

Basically I do **** for me now. 

Oh yeah, turns out the gay guy is abusing adderol and alcohol...and she's starting to show signs of alcoholism. Taking a thermos full of booze and drinking it whilst she's driving to this guy's place. She also has virginia plates now on her car, so that means the police will more than willingly **** with her.


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## threelittlestars

I feel we are missing a WHOLE lot of the story. What?


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## JCash205

threelittlestars said:


> I feel we are missing a WHOLE lot of the story. What?


That's pretty much it.


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## GusPolinski

So you're still buying the "he's gay" thing, huh?


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## WorkingWife

JCash205 said:


> I feel like a failure.


Don't.

Some day you'll look back on this and know you are a winner for getting out of this relationship. I strongly suspect she is cheating. (Most women would say "I'm not happy and here is why" long before they'd just go file for divorce, unless they've already got another guy lined up in their mind.)

Take a little time to analyze her and what attracted you to her and what went wrong and make sure your next wife is a keeper.

Good luck.


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## Evinrude58

Lol, she's drinking on the way to another guys place? You want to reconcile? So you know your wife is cheating? It seems obvious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy

JCash205 said:


> She told me "you're a far cry from the man I married" and she was 100% right...it was cold to hear that but it was the truth.
> 
> "because I'm a nice person, and I feel responsible for letting you get lazy like this." Okay cool, it was better than getting dumped on the street.


I'm going to try to read past this, but it will be hard, I'm sure. Just imagining what happens as he bends over further...


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## MachoMcCoy

JCash205 said:


> I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table."
> 
> Not sure what that means...


I know EXACTLY what it means. It means "I'm going to string you along until my exit plan is in place".







JCash205 said:


> Yet I keep telling myself, that was just one weekend...


Please do. Repeat it over and over and over and over and over...


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## MachoMcCoy

JCash205 said:


> Until then I'm stepping *on* my game around the house,


I don't think this was a typo. You're stepping UP your game, not on.


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## MachoMcCoy

JCash205 said:


> I also found and tossed the divorce papers.
> 
> If she is really "unsure" well then she's gonna have to really be sure when she prints them out again.


Damn straight. All that toner and all...


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## MachoMcCoy

threelittlestars said:


> I feel we are missing a WHOLE lot of the story. What?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/335585-am-i-bad-person.html


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## MachoMcCoy

Sorry. One more whack with this 2x4 then I'll leave you alone.

You FOUND her divorce papers. As in accidentally. You focked up her plan. Thank friggin' GOD you are so stupid that she can convince you there is still hope for the future. String you along until SHE'S ready.

At least my wife will still spread her legs for me. I don't take it. Too much like rape, but at least it shows she's in the game. She's willing to walk the walk. What has your wife offered up since discovery? Besides not being a b1tch to you for one weekend, I mean.

Sorry man. 180 = GOOD. Get your life back and become a better person. Step one is getting rid of this vermin from your life.


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## JCash205

I asked one of the old timers at my AA meeting last night about how he handled divorce/marriage during recovery and he told me a few interesting things.

For starters, he told me to give up the notion of staying due to financial concerns, and merely make a pros and cons list of being with my wife. Just take it around with me every day and fill it out as needed. 

So far I'm filling out more cons than pros. I'm seeing her roll around a few nights a week dropping about 80 bucks or so at a bar with the party boy....who btw he is mixing adderal with alcohol. She sees this..and just enables him. She's also taken to drinking whilst driving as well...pregames before she goes out and drives someplace. He drives everywhere drunk!

She has a PT test today, which she will probably fail because she hasn't gone to the gym in a long time...man all that partying is really gonna pay off.

You know, I sit there...and I look at her...and I just just don't even care to try anymore. She's cold, distant, indecisive, it's like she's sitting on the pot of divorce and she's afraid to take a ****....and it's getting old. 

I mean, would I be crazy to fight for this marriage? She hasn't shown me an OUNCE of remorse, or desire to try and save things...I just come home...see her...and I suffer at least on the inside. 

I'm codependent on her for my feelings, and right now not even a hug or a kiss is just...painful. Yet I'm seeing it for what it really is, she's just as an emotional train wreck as I am. She wont go an see a mental health provider, she is probably on her way to a DUI, and all the while she is just oblivious to things that could help her.

Yet I'm starting to see that there are millions of other woman in the world...the other day whilst walking confidently out of the gym a young lady smiled at me. 

Financially I'm going to take a major hit, but I will go home with a degree, I will find meetings, and I will recover. I will file for spousal support until I get on my feet back home, which I do believe I may be entitled for. I will have rebound sex with woman I want to have it with, I will find a decent job, a room mate, and finish my bachelor's. When she comes back to Ohio and sees me, I will show her EXACTLY what she lost.

I looked over the 180, I looked over "how to not be a beta" and the underlying message here: *don't bend over for someone not worth bending over for*

Is there a chance to save this marriage? hell if I know...what I'm seeing is someone who deep down isn't worth saving, who I don't have to be dependent upon for my emotional highs. I think I should start going out places on my own and seeing the area on my own terms and just ignore her....if she wants to reach out and do something awesome...if not...no skin off my back!

I'm also looking for apartments in my home town...to preempt somewhat.


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## MachoMcCoy

Good start. Let's see if you can walk the walk. The below concerns me greatly, however.



JCash205 said:


> When she comes back to Ohio and sees me, I will show her EXACTLY what she lost.


She should be GONE from your life. As in FOREVER. You will never see her again. EVER. Your desire to make yourself a better person mainly to please her is NOT good. 

The combination of her abusive, pigheaded, just downright...HORRIBLE behavior and your beta passive willingness to take it is painful to watch. Please understand how dysfunctional this woman is. And please understand how dysfunctional your marriage is. I have been on these sites a lot longer than my join up date would indicate. I've read a lot.

Get out of that marriage and get help. Please.


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## MattMatt

JCash205 said:


> I got my **** together this morning, and I started moving forwards.
> 
> I picked up the vibe she didn't want to be touched or say "I love you" so I kinda just stopped doing it. She said "treat us like we're separated but dating, intamicy is off the table."
> 
> Not sure what that means...


It might mean she is saving herself for someone. I hope not, but...


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## MattMatt

JCash205 said:


> So I've been reading up on "beta" and "alpha" moves.
> 
> Basically I do **** for me now.
> 
> Oh yeah, turns out the gay guy is abusing adderol and alcohol...and she's starting to show signs of alcoholism. Taking a thermos full of booze and drinking it whilst she's driving to this guy's place. She also has virginia plates now on her car, so that means the police will more than willingly **** with her.


What do the Virginia State Police think of people like your wife?

Virginia State Police - Aggressive/Wreckless Driver
Dial #77 on a cell phone or 911 for the nearest law enforcement office.

Or
Hotlines To Report Drunk Drivers | DUI Foundation
Call 911.

Before your wife wipes out a family in a van.


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## arbitrator

*Sorry that I'm late to the party here, but your STBXW has been stringing you along as her Plan B all along! Although she won't readily admit it, there is probably someone else waiting in the wings for her!

Truth be told, she was going to launch a kamikase attack on you in court!

Make like Marshall Dillon and get the hell out of Dodge! And get yourself a good lawyer who won't mind nailing her mammaries to the floor in the process!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BetrayedDad

JCash205 said:


> What can I/should I do? Do I fight and try and save my marriage...or do I make this long and costly for her?


File first and expedite it as quickly as possible. Take the power of choice out of her hands. Why does she get to decide what's best for her? Take some control of your life back and hit her with a dose of reality.


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## lifeistooshort

All I'm going to add is that it will cost what it costs. 

It's the price of getting your life back. 

That's the advice my father gave me during my divorce and he was absolutely right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

lifeistooshort said:


> All I'm going to add is that it will cost what it costs.
> 
> It's the price of getting your life back.
> 
> That's the advice my father gave me during my divorce and he was absolutely right.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love this..!


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## JCash205

Yeah so...here I am again.

My wife is cold and distant, she's clearly hiding something from me.

The divorce papers are out of the house, and she went to the base legal office. She lied to me and said she wasn't going to the legal office. Her shirt told me she can't file without my consent....

Meanwhile I have a job/apartment lined up back home. I just need to finish my degree which is another few months.


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## Evinrude58

You're going to let your wife ruin your life. You need to be a helluva lot more proactive. Have you seen an attorney?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm

Evinrude58 said:


> You're going to let your wife ruin your life. You need to be a helluva lot more proactive. Have you seen an attorney?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, this! Stop letting her dictate your life, and take the action yourself.


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## JCash205

I'm going to see one as soon as possible.


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