# What to do, now?



## dob (4 mo ago)

Hello friend, 
I would like some uncandid advice for clarity about my situation, being that you are on the outside looking in.
I am not the only person that tells a story similar to mine.
I could tell my story in a positive way and perhaps that's the best advice.
I was married for 8 years, to a woman who had an 8-year-old son. 
During this time we had three children together, who are now adults.
I married again for 5 years and I have been divorced again for 4 years.
Compatibility and mental health have something to do with these marriages.
The mother of our children decided to estrange me from our children.
This has been very traumatic and disappointing for me and our children.
I say "our" children, instead of my children out of respect.
However, her respect for me doesn't appear to exist.
I feel I have behaved decently throughout the years, even though I have been angry and feel emotionally abused.
I feel I was denied the rights of a father. I was also denied joint custody because she didn't agree, (which is not lawful now). 
I feel a spell has been cast on me by this very mean-spirited woman, a psychological shadow, so to speak.
I feel I have sacrificed myself to a fault. Now, I am seeking to somehow start my life over.
I think I forced myself to happily endure, not give up, and prove I was not the jerk she told them I was.
I have often felt like Mr. Nice Guy, guilty for no good reason, without reconciliation, lonely, sad, unmotivated, complacent, and out of touch.
Now, I feel distant from the very children I needed to connect with.
I cannot deny I had a part in creating my life situation. I feel my self-esteem has taken too many hits.
I have been getting cognitive counseling, psychotherapy, anti-depressants, spiritual counseling, and much more.
I notice I look at myself often to identify the core problems.
I have been entertaining the idea of relocating from Texas to Virginia near my birth family or California near my cousins.
I also entertain the idea of marriage again. Never give up, right? 
There may be too many unanswered questions in this story for your feedback.
Nonetheless, what would you do if you were in this situation? Or what did you do when you were in this situation?
Thank you for reading, seeing, trying to understand, and for your uncandid advice.
Do you think a particular forum or group would be better for me?
dob


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

dob said:


> Hello friend,
> I would like some uncandid advice for clarity about my situation, being that you are on the outside looking in.
> I am not the only person that tells a story similar to mine.
> I could tell my story in a positive way and perhaps that's the best advice.
> ...


@dob Welcome to TAM! That's a messy story you tell.

First thing is to out the brakes on any new marriage. How long have you been single? All of that counseling and anti depressive drugs, is there an end date for that? Don't bring someone else into the hot mess, not yet.

As far as your family you really have to get your own self sorted before you stand a chance of being a father to them. My advice is to keep focused on yourself until you get a clean bill of health, and then start attending to others.

What do all your counselors say about this?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

My take frim your first post, take it for what it’s worth:
You have been a passive, non-dominant doormat of a man.
This is bad for you, and highly unattractive to women. Women respect strength, confidence and leadership in men. They despise weak, passive men and usually treat them badly.

Read No More Mr Nice Guy. Continue to work on yourself before worrying about another marriage, or it will likely just end the same way.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

dob said:


> Nonetheless, what would you do if you were in this situation? Or what did you do when you were in this situation?


If you haven't already, reach out to your adult children. I would write them each a letter explaining the situation. If they want to contact you, they will, but that could happen quickly or years down the line.

You should be moving on with your life. So, if you want to move then start making a plan and figuring out where you could go. That doesn't just mean where you have family, but also where you can afford to be, where you can get a job (if you need one), maybe you have always wanted to live somewhere, maybe you want to be somewhere with better weather, etc. Just don't move in an attempt to run away from your problems. That doesn't work, the problems just follow you. 

If you do move, you will most likely have to find a new counselor as they typically can't work across state lines. Something to keep in mind.


----------

