# Kids and abuse.



## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

Okay I was wondering how people who are divorced deal with the fear or reality of the ex getting involved with a person that may abuse their children. This is one of the reasons I have not yet ended my marriage. I am terrified my will end up with a man who would abuse our child. This fear is not totally unfounded IMO as in the past she dated a man who was later found to be a sex offender who was attracted to younger children. Mainly young teens. 

So what you do all do? How deal with these fears or realities.

Thanks in advance to you all.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Child abuse is pretty rare. I think that unless there is some reason to expect that an ex's new partner is a risk, then there is no reason to worry.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer...... as they say.

Regarding her having dated a child molester, was there any way she could have known before they dated or while they were dating so that they she could make the mature decision to end the relationship.

Does she engage in risky behavior? ie, too friendly with strangers; bringing people over to the house; what are her internet habits like?

an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

I thought it was interesting how my mother said that she would not allow her granddaughters to visit their father unless they were together. My exBIL was an adulterer but I was not aware of anything else. 

In any case, it is better to be careful than to turn your children into sacrificial lambs.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Child abuse is pretty rare. I think that unless there is some reason to expect that an ex's new partner is a risk, then there is no reason to worry.


That is what the logical part of my says. Perhaps I am simply looking at my own childhood when my mother ended marrying a man who was emotionally and physically abusive to me. 




NextTimeAround said:


> Talk to a lawyer...... as they say.
> 
> Regarding her having dated a child molester, was there any way she could have known before they dated or while they were dating so that they she could make the mature decision to end the relationship.
> 
> ...


I really don't know if she could have found out about his background or not. It was one of her family members who alerted her by doing a simply check online. I don't think she engages in risky behaviors and her internet habits seem fairly mundane IMO.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm very sorry to hear that. 

Maybe you are right that abuse isn't that rare. I was also abused by a relative when I was a child. OTOH, I think its very difficult to recognize an abuser from a distance. Often even the spouse of an abuser has no clue at all what is going on. 



kettle said:


> That is what the logical part of my says. Perhaps I am simply looking at my own childhood when my mother ended marrying a man who was emotionally and physically abusive to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kettle said:


> I really don't know if she could have found out about his background or not. It was one of her family members who alerted her by doing a simply check online. I don't think she engages in risky behaviors and her internet habits seem fairly mundane IMO.


If one of her family members was able to find out online, then yes there is a way she could have found our ahead of time.

A smart thing to do in this day and age is to run a background check on anyone we date. I do that.

What did she do when she found out that he was a child molester? Did she dump him?

How old are your children?


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> If one of her family members was able to find out online, then yes there is a way she could have found our ahead of time.
> 
> A smart thing to do in this day and age is to run a background check on anyone we date. I do that.
> 
> ...


I agree about the background checks. As soon as she found out she dumped him right away. 
I could see myself doing background checks on which ever freak she is dating just for my own piece of mind.
Our daughter is 3.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I run background checks on my XW's BF's. I wouldn't tell her about it unless something came up. I also have talks with the kids about appropriate touching and I do my best to develop an honest and open pathway to communication with them.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is a valid concern, but it shouldnt be the catalyst that you base your life decision on. You cannot stay in an unhappy marriage due to this one concern. As already stated here, you can always run background checks on your ex's partners, and keep open communication with your kids.


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