# Why do i feel facebook is ruining my marriage



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hi everyone, I have not posted in a week or two because of some really good progress in my marriage. We finally broke the ice and had a great valentine day weekend. My parents watch our girls sat,sun and monday. 
We had a great time to ourselves that sunday night, we talked and worked stuff out. We went to a bookstore and looked in the couples section but did not find something we liked, so I bought a reflexology book to use on my wife and she bought a book on family. She was surprised that i bought that book to use on her she kinda like the idea and i was happy she seemed to be into the family thing more then i thought she was, here i thought she gave up but i was wrong.
While we were out she saw this open heart necklace thing in a flyer. We took it home and while looking through it she saw this ring she really wants. Now i usually do not believe in buying something like that but she had a good point. When we had gotten married in 2001 the ring we had gotten did not come with the wedding band but she really wanted that ring. We were supposed to get the band but forgotten about it. So the ring was not that pricey which was great for me and she kept making comments like it is a real marriage ring not like what she has now. 
So i said, will that make you happy? she said yes. She said that finally people will see she is married and since we want things to work and not end things she said this would be perfect for like a renewel.
Well, this past friday i had the day off and we were supposed to go and look at it but i had forgotten. Then this past saturday all of a sudden she had to go with her friends to see a movie and i said well what about that ring we talked about. She was like oh yeah um will go another day. I was like oh okay then. 
So now she doesnt seem into it but i told her she deserved it cause of all the crap i put her through and this would be like a sign that we are done with the bad stuff and want to start a new beginning. well, now it seems that fell through.
I am seriously getting sick of facebook.... I feel it is become a wedge in my marriage. She looks forward to that darn thing more then anything and i am sick of it. I have told her this and make fun of it every chance i get. She just got a new blackberry which she does not need just an excuse to carry facebook everywhere she goes and i think it is pathetic.......
Last night i got ticked because around 10 she goes on the darn thing and goes on it till around midnight sometimes longer. 
Well, last night she had gotten mad at me cause i was watching this movie and she complained about this smell coming from the carpet which her stupid friend had spilled this glass of liquor and they never cleaned it up so it reeks and i think this causes her headaches since she is home all day and sits right next to it but will not do anything to get rid of it... She asks me last night while watching this movie to get up and find the febreeze to spray the area. I said you need to wash and clean it not mask it, it will never go away. So i did this and she tells me that i am not doing it right and gets mad at me.
I leave her alone, well after the movie she tries to go on to facebook and guess what the net was down. She had not talked to me in over an hour but as soon as the net was down she then needs me. She tries talking to me all innocent like she was never mad at me. LOL. She says can you take a look at this and i said noooo cause now your just using me. She says whatever.... I said no it is the truth tuff crap.
Instead of saying well will spend time and talk or something, she just gets up and goes to bed. Well, 10 minutes later i fixed the problem and it was working but she had thought that i had did something to the net on purpose like i have before but i did not. 
It was working when i left this morning so i know i will not hear from her all day but when i get home i am gonna sabotage it and see if she will talk to me then cause she did not say anything to me this morning. Though tonight i am not gonna fix it, i think i am just going to block facebook on my router settings and tell her she can use her blackberry to go on facebook lol.
Does anyone else feel like facebook is getting in the way of there relationship? I think it is crap instead of spending time with me she just gets up and goes to bed.... I am starting to think her freinds are more important then me. 
Like this past weekend when she went to the movies. She constantly tells me we have no money cause she is unemployed now. I said i do not spend anything no more. But yet she goes and comes back and i find out she treated her two friends to the movie and lunch... WTF!!!!!! 
What makes me more mad is i wanted to see this movie and she knew it too, i told her this when we saw it in the previews of the last movie we saw and i know her friends knew nothing of this movie until the previews were shown on tv. Now i wanted to see that wonderland movie with johnny depp right. well guess what i have been saying that since i heard of the movie. well, after they got back and she ran to facebook they were talking about seeing it when it comes out... I am sooo pissed..... I am gonna tell her what she use to tell me, your not leaving me here with the kids while you go out, I am gonna tell her to ask her parents to since they never do anything for us but my parents help with everything and i am sick of that crap. 
I hope this will piss her off and see that i am getting fed up now!!! Thanks for hearing me vent... 
but seriously anyone else could you let me know what you think of facebook and what it does to your relationship? thanks


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I believe that in way too many areas, facebook etc... has replaced human interaction. What has happened to face to face contact, or even phone calls? I have a friend who had surgery recently and I called to see how she was doing. She told me she posted an update on facebook about it. I guess she didn't feel like repeating the same stuff over and over to all of her friends....um...ok. But then a couple days later (I called her again) she is telling me how she has no live and never does anything anymore. Well duh! That's what happens when you spend all of your time on the computer or phone with that crap!

I have a facebook account. I don't have 500 "friends" just so I can have a cool mafia or farm. I have about 20 friends, some of which are old friends from school who live in another state, some are family. I do have a morning "ritual" where I drink coffee and dink around on the computer while I'm in wake-up mode. 

I think the internet is cool. I've learned a lot of things just by googling stuff. This forum has helped me. Other than that, I want my life to be in the real world. It is hugely more rewarding than some cyber world could ever be. I really don't understand how so many people get sooooo sucked in and end up neglecting their real lives.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I think you have every right to be upset. BUT, do you really think playing games with the internet connection is the way to go? Seems a bit childish.

If you want this to work, maybe you should go buy the ring and suprise her with it - that should get her attention - at least for now.


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## dantanph (Feb 7, 2010)

Sadly, the very last big fight I had with my husband that prompted him to change all his passwords was when I asked him about his facebook and who are the people I see he is chatting with. He flared out and got so mad. He said I am a snoopy. The next day, he changed his passwords and withdrew part of his money from our joint account. We are trying to work on our problems. But progress is very slow. I know quite a number of relationships that started to became rocky because of facebook. I am not a big fan of it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just cancel internet. If she wants it, she can get off the couch and get a job to pay for it.


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## michelob_64 (Feb 18, 2010)

I'm feeling you with FB stuff, and it taking so much time away from our marriage. My wife will comment on her friend's accounts & stuff at 7:30am but I won't hear from her until I send the first email. One day waited until 10:30, she was FBing away. When she finally realized she as mad at me, to which I said well take time away from FB to email your hubby, its a two-way street.

She has a blackberry as well, just got it a few months ago and she has it all hooked up with FB mobile. Her phone used to sit in her purse now it is on her all the time. She will check it, walk into the laundry room, do something & then check it again less than 2 minutes later. She’s constantly looking at her phone.

She will come home & jump on FB with a quick hello or kiss. Sometimes when she works late, she won’t come to bed until 1 or 2 hours after she gets home after having spent all that time on FB. I am an amateur musician & play bars on the weekends and it is not uncommon to get home at 4 or so in the morning after tearing down & driving. If I’m up 15 minutes after I get home she will either come down & ask if I am going to bed or text me.

At times I’ve tried to spend time with her only to have her jump up at some point & get on FB. If I go downstairs to practice I get the 3rd degree. 

My advice, talk to her & tell her how much she really gets on there. I’ve started logging my wife’s FB activity just to show her how much time she spends on it between the PC, blackberry & email messages. My wife complained that music was taking up too much of my time, maybe it was but I did cut back. Now I am ready to confront her about how much her FB addiction detracts from our time as a couple and our household in general with house work not getting done during the day.


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## HindSight (Feb 24, 2010)

Um. I will break the mold here and suggest that facebook isn't the problem: the relationship is. People turn to facebook to find something more than what they have. Being on there for 2 hrs is obsessive and sad. Using it as a quick social check is one thing, being on there for hours on a regular basis...well, I'd bet she's using it to avoid her life. 

I think, more importantly, to suggest that re-acting to her fb usage will only make your marriage worse. Teasing her about it, getting rid of it, etc... will only make her more mad at you, more hurt by you, and less likely to trust her feelings with you. She's using it to sooth herself right now. I would suggest trying to find a more construction way to address the problem: help her find better things to do, with you. That way her real life is more engaging so she doesn't prefer the stagnant computer anymore. I'm thinking:

board games, family projects (like re-painting the bathroom), learn to make ice cream together, drive to somewhere you haven't' been before, etc... Maybe even make a little box of dreams where you both list your dreams for life and start brainstorming how you both can make those dreams come true. It's engaging, fun, and gets a plan going.


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## sienna (Dec 8, 2009)

I agree that facebook isnt the problem to an extent. I think that facebook is a great thing for keeping in touch with friends overseas or family that you dont see often, and to some extent even friends you dont see very often. However there is no reason for anyone to come home after a day at work and spend the rest of their night on facebook. My husband is the same...his world revolves around facebook. He is constantly checking it on his iphone when we are out of the house together and he is online all day while at work, and then as soon as he gets home its the first thing he does. He chats to people on facebook all day and all night and its absolute crap if you ask me. I probably look at my facebook once every 3-4days for about 20 mins and thats it. 
Why are the people that he dedicates so much of his time to chatting on facebook and not spending with me not good enough friends for them to come over and visit or go out for dinner with etc...
Its so funny to see that so many other people are experiencing the same thing, I am almost considering canceling my account just to prove a point and make him realise how pathetic it is.


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## kitkatbar (Feb 26, 2010)

*facebook gets on my nerves...my husband and i just got back together after 6 months sepearted and we both have facebook accounts....i hate to see his pictures on there also i read all of his posts to 2 other girls that he dated..he has since deleted those posts but now he wont go on facebook because he says that i get mad about everything....it took him a while to even add that he is married..says its noones business but then i said well you posted everything about your relationship with your exes and he says that he feels stupid for doing that and that is why he doesnt post about us...whatever *


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## millymollymandy (Nov 7, 2010)

I'm glad that I'm not the only one that has this problem. My husband spends every spare minute on the site and has plenty of 'friends' that he talks to on a daily basis whilst he cannot pass 5 mins with me. We have a bar and he has his photo taken with nearly everyone that comes in and most end up on facebook - especially those of him with women whilst I am not featured or referred to. I feel jealous but not sure what of. it all feels so public as he gives out a lot of private thoughts and information that i really dont think the world should know. he has 'picked' up women on the net then become obsessed with phoning and texting them day and night - it makes me feel physically stressed, hurt and unloved - he has gone from being loving in his own way to distant and disinterested in anything especially sex and cahtting together. trying not to think of it as serious but as he spends so much time with 'it' and now believes we or I am boring - think looking at pix of veryone having fun is a fantasy and we cant have fun as hes too busy watching other people's world. nyone got any thoughts
:scratchhead:


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## shansmiles4u (Jun 28, 2011)

Hello!

I have a question. my husband and I have lot's of trust issues
I just found out that my husband is texting and talking with a co-worker outside of the work place, that has nothing to do with work, the reason I'm upset is that #1 this girl is 21 and he is 45, she is texting him at 11:00 at night and also I have found pictures of her on his phone. when I confronted him about it he gets very defensive and tells me I'm a crazy hyper jealous person.
I told him I was hurt not jealous. I also said that it was very inappropriate for him to have a relationship with her outside of work. 
he says they are just friends, and that may be the case. I just don't see anything right about her texting or sending him pictures.
he also has a lock on his phone, so I can not look at anything he might be doing, he obviously has something to hide! 
I think if you have to lock your phone around your wife, your hiding and you know it would hurt me, and if you know it would hurt, then you know it's WRONG!! please someone respond back and tell me if I'm the crazy wife???


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

you're not crazy. If there's nothing to hide, there's no reason to hide or lock the phone. And there's no good reason for him to have pics from this girl. The fact that he doesn't respect you enough to know this is a real issue that you need to get working on, drawing hard & fast lines & boundaries. As long as he can dismiss you without fear of any ramifications, he will do so.


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## shansmiles4u (Jun 28, 2011)

Thanks so much for responding back! he has no respect for me, NONE!! I've had enough. This is not the first and it wont be the last,
there has been others. I'm done


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

FB did two things for me. One it proved to me that once she hauled ace she went running back to the player "no i didnt sleep with him he just sent me a picture of his penis" Sure..... And then she ran back to the pill dealer. 

One word 

W H * R E!!!!!


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I think that face book is a real problem. More and more of the 80% of married couples who have affairs are doing it more and more online. 

On the other hand one of the most important affair-proofing strategies is effective boundary setting and recognizing and managing high risk situations.

In this case, it sound's like facebook is a high risk situation that requires a clear boundary.


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## alwaystoblame (Aug 30, 2011)

Facebook drives me crazy. It should be something to look at when you are bored and keep up with friend's events. It should not be something to refer to every 2 minutes. You should not check facebook before you get out of bed in the morning and before you turn the light off at night. I'm not married yet, but we are planning our wedding and he spends so much time eyes glazed in front of the computer or checking his blackberry that I feel like the only time we get "undivided time" is when he gets bored of facebook. If I bring it up, he just gets angry and doesn't want to have a constructive conversation about it. He thinks I am picking on him. I am beginning to think that he has zero appreciation/respect for me and I'm just another object to him. I wish he would take his responsibilities and career as seriously as he takes facebook.

I need help on how to deal with this. Should I just ignore it and find new hobbies/alternatives to sitting around waiting for him to put down the FB?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

alwaystoblame said:


> Facebook drives me crazy. It should be something to look at when you are bored and keep up with friend's events. It should not be something to refer to every 2 minutes. You should not check facebook before you get out of bed in the morning and before you turn the light off at night. I'm not married yet, but we are planning our wedding and he spends so much time eyes glazed in front of the computer or checking his blackberry that I feel like the only time we get "undivided time" is when he gets bored of facebook. If I bring it up, he just gets angry and doesn't want to have a constructive conversation about it. He thinks I am picking on him. I am beginning to think that he has zero appreciation/respect for me and I'm just another object to him. I wish he would take his responsibilities and career as seriously as he takes facebook.
> 
> I need help on how to deal with this. Should I just ignore it and find new hobbies/alternatives to sitting around waiting for him to put down the FB?


If you are already feeling unappreciated and lack of respect, then you'd be very wise to rethink the marriage thing. It will only magnify after because it's human nature for people to not make an effort to be on their best behavior after the wedding. Better address this stuff before, not later.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How about not marrying him?


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Duddy said:


> I think that face book is a real problem. More and more of the 80% of married couples who have affairs are doing it more and more online.
> 
> On the other hand one of the most important affair-proofing strategies is effective boundary setting and recognizing and managing high risk situations.
> 
> In this case, it sound's like facebook is a high risk situation that requires a clear boundary.


*Facebook is a tool*........it's the people using it who are the problem. 

On the other hand I agree that it does make it a whole lot easier for someone to step over the line, but yet it still comes back to personal responsibility and boudaries.


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## alwaystoblame (Aug 30, 2011)

I love him though and would feel silly throwing us away over such a silly social networking site. I would hope to discuss boundaries and share feelings, possibly getting through to him to back burner it when I'm around. He didn't even have an account when we met and used to make fun of me for having one. Now, he's the one obsessed with it and the stupid games. We just bought a home and I want to start our life together and a family. I feel like he is digressing.


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

Just wanted to add to my earlier post in this thread: 

Here are yet 2 more powerful example of how the internet and social media is harming the institution of marriage.

It turns out that an incredible 81% of the best divorce lawyers in the US are reporting an alarming recent increase (past 5 years) in the number of new cases of divorce based on or strongly supported by, "Social Media Evidence”.

Big Surge in Social Networking Evidence Says Survey of Nation's Top Divorce Lawyers | AAML National

More and more couple-counselors and marital researchers are asking: Are you a "Cyber Widow" or Widower? 

He spends more time looking at his laptop than he does at you and sends emails in bed - are YOU a cyber widow? | Mail Online

Something we all need to really think about!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't marry him. He is taking you for granted. Find a way to cancel the house or move out. The ONLY way he'll realize what he's doing is if he's about to lose you.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

alwaystoblame said:


> I love him though and would feel silly throwing us away over such a silly social networking site. I would hope to discuss boundaries and share feelings, possibly getting through to him to back burner it when I'm around. He didn't even have an account when we met and used to make fun of me for having one. Now, he's the one obsessed with it and the stupid games. We just bought a home and I want to start our life together and a family. I feel like he is digressing.


So many people assume that love is enough. It is NOT. Fundamental issues such as lack of appreciation and respect and regard do NOT get fixed through love. If you marry this man without addressing those things 1st, you will be in the separation/divorce forums at some point in time, possibly with children that you will have to consider and you can't imagine what a load that is on your shoulders. 

AGAIN........love is not enough!


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

Duddy said:


> Just wanted to add to my earlier post in this thread:
> 
> Here are yet 2 more powerful example of how the internet and social media is harming the institution of marriage.
> 
> ...


I very much disagree with you, it's the PEOPLE in relationships who are doing the damage. Yes the social media makes it easier to do damage these days but they are just tools. People are responsible for their actions. 

Maybe you are just plugging your blog?


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

It happenned to me.at first my wife.told me fb users are liw self esteem people. We had fight, she removed me on her friends list but status married.and she is the one now posting a lot of drama, like life qoutes..blah blah blah..i agree its a tool but we should be responsible and sensitive enough.and dont tell all the dramas in your life for the whole world to see. Life is a drama itself and for the whole world to see it?......hmmmmmm....let me think twice!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I just have family and close female friends on my FB.  I was addicted for a while, but now have vowed to put the computer away when I am with the kids, or hubs is home. I also will limit it when I'm working so i get my chores done as well. It is such a time sucker!

Hubs isn't a computer person. So he doesn't get it, and he shouldn't! I wish I didn't get it!! But for 4 weeks now, the computer has been put away during family time and/or weekends when I'm a mom/wife. Summers are different as I have a ton of time and I get my shet done.


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## OzzyDevil (Aug 29, 2011)

My Ex could be on FB all day she loves it and now she has deleted me i don't know who is in her facebook.. I used to know her password and i used to check every now and then.. But she changed it so i'm no luck... I was going to put a keylogger on her computer but i didn't... And the funny thing when life in the real world gets tuff cyber will always back her up if u know what i mean...


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Social media provides many alternatives for people who are unhappy or just willing to look around. For better or worse, this is the new normal.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Its pretty naive to think that FB and other social media are just artificial tools with no inherent risks to a long term relationship. To say so makes me think that a year or more of my software engineering degree was just wasted. It is a facilitator. It lowers thresholds in interactions, allowing people to feel more comfortable in expressing themselves because it is missing the face to face element that is usually the big obstacle to beginning affairs. Studies show that it lowers inhibitions to certain behaviors, allowing them to flourish under the belief that it is not a real, legitimate interraction because it is not face to face. Call it Draconian, but I told my wife that a condition of using Facebook was complete openness and honesty. Without that, usuing social media is not an option for staying married.


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

Halien said:


> Its pretty naive to think that FB and other social media are just artificial tools with no inherent risks to a long term relationship. To say so makes me think that a year or more of my software engineering degree was just wasted. It is a facilitator. *It lowers thresholds in interactions, allowing people to feel more comfortable in expressing themselves because it is missing the face to face element that is usually the big obstacle to beginning affairs. Studies show that it lowers inhibitions to certain behaviors, allowing them to flourish under the belief that it is not a real, legitimate interraction because it is not face to face. * Call it Draconian, but I told my wife that a condition of using Facebook was complete openness and honesty. Without that, usuing social media is not an option for staying married.


:iagree: I'm reading a book called "Virtually You", and the main topic of the book is how people change who they are often times on the Internet. Or at the very least they amplify certain traits, one of the main traits amplified being sexuality.


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## photon269 (Aug 17, 2011)

Place me in the 'W spends hours on Facebook' camp. I feel this is an indicator of other issues, but also a sign of an addiction. If she had other things to do that interested her (unlike housework) I'm sure she'd spend much less time there. She makes every attempt to make sure she's caught up with every post so she doesn't miss anything. At least she's gotten away from Farmville. THAT was an unbelievable time vortex. I could go into detail of some of the things that have happened ('just one more second' when dinner is on the table, up till all hours of the night, falling asleep with the mouse in her hand, sitting on the john with her iPad for an hour, ugh) but it would take too long to write out. And of course there is never time given for sex. We've had few fights, but our last one involved a confrontation about Facebook time. She actually gave it up for a few weeks, but slowly returned. 
So I am in the process of trying to change _me_. To try to find new things for us to do together, to have her find me more attractive (I'm a very warm thermostat, I'm pulling back) and overall trying to just be more confident in myself. Right now I'm stuck on WHAT things to do, to the point of feeling worse about myself because I can't come up with something, anything, that fits into our family situation. Time is short, money is short (sitters cost $$), and just plain feeling frustrated and stupid for not coming up with ideas.


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## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Im feeling it too. This morning, i left a note for my wife (she works night and I work on days) regarding our daughter (if she is the one who will pick her or me). I know she read the note, but she did not texted me her answer but she has the time to post a greeting on one of our common friend's wall page , it's his Bday! (a paragraph long). I dont get it? Am i just over- reacting?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

They go there because it feels good. They aren't getting 'feel good' from YOU, or they would be texting YOU all day.

What are you going to do about it?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Is being on facebook at the same time as your wives are on an option for some of you guys? I am on most of the time my wife is on. Except when she plays word games with her mom. At those times we watch tv together. My wife is a big-time farmville addict so I decided to play with her. It caused some unexpected consequences for both of us, but it gives me a legit reason to be in her account almost whenever I want to. She also knows that as long as she plays I will "letter-jacket" her! She accepts that, and in a way gets off on it, even though she'll never admit it. I am glad she dropped mafia wars though. Just set up some rules. 1) Any male gaming friends must also "friend" my account, & 2) If their is any excessive "liking" of posts by a male "friend", said "friend" MUST be deleted or he will be dealt with.


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