# Don't know where to turn



## Sari_fin (Aug 29, 2008)

I have been married for almost a year. And things were good. About 2-4 months things started to change. My husband didn't really want to do anything.... We would get invited to events and he didn't want to go... I would end up alone in the bed on a friday night watching tv with my dog and going to bed at 9... Then that started to be a typical friday and saturday night... He would just go the computer room and play online games.. So then I though okay I married a geek, whatever I'll deal. Like I said i'm 24, and it drives me nuts not to "live life", you know- go out dancing, the movies, travel... Everytime I would mention a mini-weekend trip he would say we don't have money... But we have the money... So then to cope, I just shop every weekend all day.. I figure if we aren't using the money for travel, I might as well enjoy it some way. I'm feeling trapped, this is not what I signed up for. At work yesterday, a nurse came to his job and screen for depression, which he told about and that he meets the critieria. I feel even worse, since I work in the social service field, and have been planning to get my masters in cousenling.. The signs were there and I missed them. I feel worse that when he confronted me he said, he procrastinates, is careless, and would rather be alone than with me. It was hurtful becuase he is my bestfriend, and I feel like it something I'm doing right, even thoughI know it's not... Its how i feel.. The nurse if going to refer him to a doctor for a possible prescription to treat it. I feel like I have no one to talk to, my friends aren't the best- there the kind that gossip, I love my family would hold it against me.. I just need someone to talk to. I'm scared, sad...confused


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is not unusual for some men to reduce the social aspects of life shortly after they are married. They spend time wooing their prospective mate and once the marriage has taken place they forget about the importance of this to their wives. They can settle into a less social life style. 

But I would say the depression is the first thing to be addressed. Follow through with the medical review so you both know what you are dealing with. It could be as simple as some medication and personal counseling. Hopefully so. If not you need to communicate to him your needs as his wife. The two of you need to understand what each of you wants and find the median that keeps you both happy. Successful happy marriages don’t just happen. They take work and communication. Your marriage is young and now is the time to address the issues or you will continue to drift apart. Again, follow through with the medical issues and see where he improves or needs more work. Good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I agree with the idea of following through with the treatment of depression. It comes inportant to go forward from there. Do not worry that you didn't see it and think french frogs.

A frog can not be thrown in boiling water, it will jump out. So it is put into cool water that is slowly warmed up. With the slow change they do not notice it.

Like your husband, his change was most likely not over night.

draconis


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## Sari_fin (Aug 29, 2008)

Thank you for the support. I purchased a book on understanding depression and I hope it helps. I just can't help be feel nervous and scared.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I suffer from depression, too. I can be an extremely listless, unresponsive, homebody. and to make it worse i know how its effecting my H. so its kind of a double whammy. my H has struggled with my depression and was always trying to make me happy. sweet, i know, but i didnt like that so much. so from the perspective of someone that is depressed, i would say dont try and make him happy. i know that sounds so weird to other people but really the most solace i have ever found was just having someone around that accepts me for who i am and doesn't try and change me. Someone who doesnt always make me feel like there is something wrong with me. 

but equally as important was knowing my H wasnt becoming warped into my problem. i hated that he lost his hobbies to try and stay around me, to try and make me happy. that only makes it worse for me. i would say to go out and do things that make you happy, but of course spend quality time with your hubby doing the things he actually wants to do-like stay home playing video games. 

also something that is equally important to know, but that your H wont tell you, is the little things do help even if he doesnt show it.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

You have a long road ahead.


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## Sari_fin (Aug 29, 2008)

Just becuase I need to vent some more...

Last night after work he called me asking if it was okay if he went to a bar with some co-workers for a promotion party for his co-worker. I was like yea thats fine. SO after work, I went to borders purchased a book, went online and found a book called "The Fallout", about being a spouse of someone depressed. Visited my mom...yada yada yada... He orginally asked me to pick him up at 7, but then called and said he was going to another small bar in a small area about 20 mins away. Around 9, I tried calling his cell, no awsner. He called from some number asking that I pick him up, as he was to drunk to drive. He gave me half ass directions... So I went off to this little farm-orchard town, got lost, took me about 45 mins to find it, and it was by luck, I had just told him to find another ride becuase I was lost.. So I get to the shack of a tavern, when I call the number he was calling from, and it went to the voicemail of a girl.... So then I was really mad. So I walk in the dive and find him with his co-workers and I told him lets go, I'll be in the car, he says he has to pay his bill.. As I'm waiting in the car, I hear is co-workers saying "where did she go" blah blah.. So I get out of the car and I'm like yeah I'm here just want to leave and bryan ofcourse intorduces me to everyone, which just further pisses me off. And ofcourse the ugly ****'s who he cell phone he used... I'm just like what-ever, and everyone was sucking up to me becuase they could tell I was mad, just made it worse. On the way home, I just lost it, I was mad that it was another friday night alone- why didn't he invite me, he called from a girl's cell phone... I'm usually not insecure, but when he told me thursday night that he wasn't happy and that he prefered to be alone than with me, you know that hurts...so I was nervous and confused all day..doubting myself... So On the way home, everything came out, and ofcourse in the crying/yelling type of way, which is the least productive, and oh yeah he was super drunk... But he did say I was the best thing to happen to him and that he was sorry... but I'm still angry....those are just words..... Then he threw up all over himself, and I had to clean it....

So I i made him sleep in the guest room, and got him a bucket.. just becuase I did not want puke on me. And I went to bed crying and feeling alone once again....

He's out geting some groceries to make me breakfast, but I don't know... I know we have to talk... I just needed to get everything out in some sort of form


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wow im sorry. that is really hurtful. i cant believe he said that he didnt want to be around you and then went to a bar without inviting you, only to call you from some girls cellphone. that is really hard. what is worse is b/c he was drunk he's not going to remember very much. And you were out getting all that stuff to help him. I'm sure that is what makes it even worse. 

Does he have a drinking problem?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I think he needs to decide if you are a part of his future and hat that means to him. Then he needs to do it instead of keeping you in limbo. 

How often and how much does he drink?

draconis


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## Sari_fin (Aug 29, 2008)

When we first meet, we both drank alot.. Then we both grew out of that phase. Since we've married he usually has a beer after work here and there. This friday was the first time in a long long time he has drank that much. Maybe it's his way of dealing, I don't know. Last night we went out to dinner and to the movies with some friends.. In total he had... 1-2 beers and 2 long islands... That's kind of alot for one sitting.. Needless to say I had to drive. Oh another thing that was irritating was fining porn on the computer, which he has never been into, so I was annoyed by that. I'm trying to stay positive, but I just find myself angy alot of the time. We went out to dinner on sunday at a resort which was an 1 hour drive and we didn't talk alot on the way there, on the way back was a little better. It was hard to have a goodtime though, I'm still hurt and really bitter. Oh and did I mention unhappy.. I don't know, I didn't picture marriage like this, I guess I was and am still pretty naive about things.. But I guess when one part of your life is going good another part has to be bad.. I'm doing very well at work, and got promoted for the 2nd time this year. The new job will be alot of travel, and with all this going on, I'm a little nervous. But I'm excited for the job, and it sounds challenging. I'm not a work-aholic or anything, my boss just loves me and I'm a hard worker. 

I just didn't think our marriage would be like this. All of my other married friends love being married and when people ask me... I feel forced to put on a smile and gush how great it... When it comes down to it,I'm just very very angry and disapointed.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Sari_fin said:


> I just didn't think our marriage would be like this. All of my other married friends love being married and when people ask me... I feel forced to put on a smile and gush how great it... When it comes down to it,I'm just very very angry and disapointed.


Ya, i didnt think marriage would be like this-at least not with my spouse. I am getting over the worst of my anger, but it still flares its ugly head sometimes. 

You mention that all your friends say they have happy marriages...but so do you-to them. so in all probability they are feeling the same pressures as you. Personally i dont hide my problems. my friends and family all know my issues-to an extent. but i dont pretend to be happy with it at all. its just not healthy.

congratulations on the promotions


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## Sari_fin (Aug 29, 2008)

Well that's great that you have open relationships with your friends. I however, come from a different type of social group... And at one point in time we were like that--but everyone is taking a different path. SO when we see each other it's trying to look your best... And everyone gossips about everyone else-- always drama and cat fight with someone in the group--- Not me though, I'm the mutual friend, who everyone likes.... so they say to my face...lol... It's just the way we are and it works... I probably do need to find some other friends though...

The last weekend were just harder days, and I'm starting this week feeling like it's a fresh start.. We'll just go from here. He's not horrible, just not perfect and no one is. Some I'm staying positive and hope for the best.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Often if people do not know enough about relationships and marriage it can not become the very thing they want. It sounds like he is going through a selfish stage but I think the problem is deeper than that. Counciling might help.

However, beyond that you both need to understand marriage better because it can be perfect. Read the five languages of love together. It might help bond.

draconis


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## Honey (Sep 2, 2008)

Sari_fin said:


> I have been married for almost a year. And things were good. About 2-4 months things started to change. My husband didn't really want to do anything.... We would get invited to events and he didn't want to go... I would end up alone in the bed on a friday night watching tv with my dog and going to bed at 9... Then that started to be a typical friday and saturday night... He would just go the computer room and play online games.. So then I though okay I married a geek, whatever I'll deal. Like I said i'm 24, and it drives me nuts not to "live life", you know- go out dancing, the movies, travel... Everytime I would mention a mini-weekend trip he would say we don't have money... But we have the money... So then to cope, I just shop every weekend all day.. I figure if we aren't using the money for travel, I might as well enjoy it some way. I'm feeling trapped, this is not what I signed up for. At work yesterday, a nurse came to his job and screen for depression, which he told about and that he meets the critieria. I feel even worse, since I work in the social service field, and have been planning to get my masters in cousenling.. The signs were there and I missed them. I feel worse that when he confronted me he said, he procrastinates, is careless, and would rather be alone than with me. It was hurtful becuase he is my bestfriend, and I feel like it something I'm doing right, even thoughI know it's not... Its how i feel.. The nurse if going to refer him to a doctor for a possible prescription to treat it. I feel like I have no one to talk to, my friends aren't the best- there the kind that gossip, I love my family would hold it against me.. I just need someone to talk to. I'm scared, sad...confused


Hi, I'm new to the forum, and I'll be a forum friend to you, if you like. If this is the reason he is not being the friend and husband that he should be to you, than while your huband isn't in the bedroom at night with you, talk to God, rather than watch tv. 
In the dark.. open your heart for help and let him in. Cry if you have to, but open your heart. Ask him to show you a sign that he heard you and things will get better, then come back on here and let me know what hapened.


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