# Selfish Husband or Not?



## butterfly2013 (Mar 23, 2013)

I just don't understand my husband's attitude... 
Is he really this selfish? We've being married for 7 years now, and we've our moments here and there, but I can say that our relationship is always great when is not involving any money crisis. When we met I had a my own business and I made a pretty good money. After we got married we made a decision together that I would go back to school with the condition that I would keep my business part time to help with the bills. I paid for my school with my savings and that was the only way to be able to pursue my passion in Interior Design. So, when I graduated I worked for about 8 months full time in design but I didn't pursue with my new career due to the fact that the economy crashed and the industry wasn't the greatest , so I wasn't making any money but I was still working part time as well on a second business that I still had at that time. In Dez 2008 I was offered a full time job where I worked for 2 years. I quit my job in Nov 2010 to give birth to our son, and we both decided that I would stay at home with him until we could afford it. He said that he wanted me to take care of our son and I love to be SAHM but I was going nuts and feeling that I needed to go back to work for myself for the last 12 months...
So , for the last 2 years that I was SAHM I was always being told that I needed to get a job, and that we couldn't afford me being home full time while he was out working and not making enough money where we could have some savings to travel etc. This past September our son was about 22 months old, I was offered to open a business related to Real Estate investments properties overseas. So he was excited and gave me all the support to go back to work and make some extra $ , that way we didn't have to be on Pay check to pay check every month and actually start saving $ again. Anyway, since I started to work my husband is being very upset and angry with me because I am dedicating a lot of time to my new business and not taking care of the house like I was doing for the last 2 years full time. He's constant complaining about having to take care of our son while i am out working, showing homes, or meeting new prospect clients. Specially now that the market is picking up and I have people calling all day long. 
Today we had a big fight because I had a meeting with a client in the morning and 2 other showings in the afternoon. He refused to watch our son while I was out working today. It's not like I am out shopping with my girlfriends or having fun. I am out working my butt off to bring some money in, specially now that he's not making enough $ . He is actually looking for a new job. His argument is that he is not going to BABY SIT our son every Sat or Sun so I can take off all day. Again, I am out working ok... We had many fights about this for the past 5 months and I am at the point that I can't handle anymore. Before he used to say that I was being lazy not wanting to go back to work, now that I am back to work full time, he says that he wished that I was never back to work, and if he knew that was going to be this way , he would never let me start this job. 
I don't have any help with our son on the weekends regardless if I am working or not. I am actually leaving our son with a baby sitter so my husband can have his time to seat on the couch and watch sports on the weekends. 
What should I do? Today I told him that he is very selfish , bastard and he deserves to be by himself alone for the rest of his life because I was going to leave him and he is unappreciative of me as a woman and as his wife, and he doesn't deserve to have me as his wife. He deserves someone that cheats on him and spend his money. I never cheated on him and I am a happy and loving person. For the past 2 years I see myself unhappy and actually asking myself, is this what I want for the rest of my life? He's being divorced from his first wife for 11 years now and she cheated on him for 2 years and he always says that I am 100% different than her, and everything that I am she was the opposite, she refused to work, wanted to be SAHM and he supported and provide for the family and he got a cheating wife. 
Sorry this is a long story but I am trying to get some help ... Should I give up and quit my job and leave all the responsibilities on his shoulders and live miserable for the rest of my life? AM I BEING WRONG ON BEING UPSET AND ACTUALLY THINKING ABOUT LEAVING HIM?
Thanks


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

First of all as a father I have never "Baby Sat" my kids.

They're my kids it's my job to care for them as much as it is their mothers.

Stop paying a babysitter and leave your son home on the weekends with his dad whether he likes it or not.

Is there any family that could speak with your husband to clue him in on how to be a father?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## butterfly2013 (Mar 23, 2013)

He has 2 teen daughters from his first marriage. He gave up a lot for them when they got divorce and they still don't appreciate him after all these years. He is a great dad, but I just don't understand why he is acting like this lately. I know he loves our son and loves me. I agree with you that spending time with our child is not baby sitting. 
he came to me later today and said that I could leave and do what I have to do after I canceled all my showings this afternoon . I have not talked to him since.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Selfish and scared.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't threaten him with stuff you aren't going to follow through on. You'll be "the boy who cried wolf" and he'll tune you out.

He's not a "babysitter." Your son is as much his responsibility as yours. He needs to get that.

Sounds to me like you are damned if you do and damned if you don't when it comes to trying to earn money.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Tell him that if he chooses to, HE can find and pay for a sitter when it's his turn to have the baby responsibility.


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## Tuyu2000 (Mar 19, 2013)

I agree with others who have said that a father looking after his son is not "babysitting"! You guys are parents and therefore both responsible for the care of your child. When your husband is working and you are not, I assume you are looking after your son. And so when you are working and he is not, your husband should be looking after your son without complaint. 

I think it's time you and your husband sat down when you were both calm to discuss these issues without yelling, so you can understand each other's POVs and agree on how you are going to manage your jobs, work schedules, son's care, household chores etc., now that you are back working. Right now it sounds as if you are on different pages of what you want/expect from each other. Have you asked your husband why he is acting/feeling this way? Has he given any answers? It may be that you felt you had an agreement in place when you went back to work, but it's not working right now, so you need to discuss this again and come to a new agreement.

In terms of keeping the house clean and looked after... if that is an issue... instead of paying a babysitter to look after your son when clearly your husband should be doing so, why don't you pay a cleaner to come in every couple of weeks to clean your place? That way it is one less thing you have to worry about. Heck, tell your husband to pay for a cleaner if he feels like he wants to complain all the time!

You sound quite busy now that you are working again. And your husband is working too. Are you guys spending much time together lately - just the two of you? Perhaps it's time you went out on a "date night" every week or so, and reconnect.

Lastly, I also agree it's not a good idea to threaten separation if you do not mean it.

Good luck.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

You can't baby sit your own kids. 

You are both working, so child are and housework is both of your responsibilities. I bet you don't get two days off to sit on the couch.

Insist on marital Counseling.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

butterfly2013 said:


> We've being married for 7 years now, and we've our moments here and there, but I can say that our relationship is always great when is not involving any money crisis. Then you should have a solid foundation and be able to communicate with other. What type of work does he do? Is it physically demanding? You say he is worried and not bringing in what he used to, that's a huge stressor for a man.
> He refused to watch our son while I was out working today. Did he have a reason, or was he just being unreasonable about it?
> 
> I am out working my butt off to bring some money in, specially now that he's not making enough $ . If you verbalized this then I am guessing his male ego is taking a huge beating. Respect is a huge "need" for most men. He is actually looking for a new job. His argument is that he is not going to BABY SIT our son every Sat or Sun so I can take off all day. Is he trying to sabotage your career? Is he "jealous" of your professional success, especially in light of his professional "shortcomings"?
> ...


 Will your husband consider counseling? Will you? The two of you need to have an honest, CIVIL, discussion with each other about needs and expectations. I would also encourage (both of) you to read "His Needs, Her Needs". 

You husbands life has changed dramatically since you returned to work, and it sounds like he resents it tremendously. It does sound like your career has taken over your life, and he probably feels neglected, and its probably been a big ego boost for you. 

Your working and devoting so much to your job has left a very big void in his life, and it doesn't sound like either of you are handling it very well. You have far bigger concerns at this point than him not wanting to watch his son on the weekend.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'm a real estate agent, so I can understand both sides of this situation. I took a few years off also, and lived off my savings, and just recently returned to it. I was worried because my husband did not know me when I was working in real estate before. I knew that it was going to be long hours, me disappearing on short notice because a client wants to see a house RIGHT NOW, and that if I don't go, I may not earn anything at all. 

My children will tell you that they felt I wasn't there enough when I worked in real estate and they lived with me. 

So while your husband is not a babysitter and needs to take responsibility for your child and your home just as much as you do, it's also important for you to recognize that this is a huge change for him. 

I would encourage you to figure out if there are any changes you can make that will let you find a happy medium. Perhaps you can try to close one deal a month instead of two, or team up with someone who has a work ethic that's like your own but wants to work evenings and weekends so they can sleep in during the mornings. Perhaps you can set up a home office or hire a virtual assistant and/or a housekeeper to come in sometimes.


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