# Considering Divorce-Need as Much Advice as Possible



## beachbumming (Feb 13, 2021)

PLEASE HELP: Need as much advice as possible

There's no real way to make this succinct but I'll try I've been married for 10yrs. My DH and I have been parents for 5yrs. We both have adult children with only one still in the house but stays at her mom's. We currently have 8 foster kids, all 7yo and younger (besides teen) and raised 4 from birth. One sibling set of 4, twins and a teen with her toddler. They've been with us for 4yrs, 3.5yrs, and 2yrs, respectively. 6 are up for adoption and we're about halfway through the process. For over a year I've been questioning my life; marriage and kids. I was under the most stress I've ever dealt with at the end of 2019. And in Jan of 2020, I broke. Spent most of that month crying. I don't know what to do. I feel that if it weren't for the kids then I might not still be married. I've spent the last year working on myself (dealing with depression, anger and stress) and changing the way I deal with things. 

I didn't want to make any permanent decisions bc I thought maybe it was my dep talking. I'm much better now but still questioning my life. I know that I could prob stick with DH and work really hard at marriage but am not sure I want to. And I think he might work at it at 1st but then go back. He has his own issues, incl anger and taking things out on others. We were about to separate a month or so back but before he left that night I changed my mind bc it didn't feel quite right.

So I love the idea of being free of everyone but at the same time would die w/o those kids. And we're all they've ever known as parents. I can't bring myself to leave them; they would be so traumatized. But I also don't think I can stick with DH just for the kids. I know my extremely crazy life is catching up with me but I don't know what to do. Any advice would help need tremendously! TIA

Add on: I've hired sitters and cleaning people to help since I can't ever get anything done on my own. It helps but I question if this is what I want for the next 16 years (till the last kid turns 18). I'm 42. DH keeps saying things will get better as they get older and become more independent but I'm not sure. I think maybe the challenges will just change.

Add on #2: I doubt myself as a parent. I don't think I have the patience and feel selfish some times. And I know every parent prob feels like that but it can be strong for me.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I think you would benefit from talking to a therapist, if you don't already have one. You obviously have a lot of stress and you are taking on a lot all at once. You don't want to make a decision you will regret later. 

Whoever allowed you to take on 8 kids in 5 years is an idiot. That is way too much for anyone to handle.

It's a little late now though. Most parents don't have the choice to ditch their kids and spouse. Well, they do, but they don't see it that way. You are the only family many of these kids know, and are already going through the process of adopting. IMO, it's a little late to back out unless you really cannot parent them. Every parent doubts themselves, and you certainly are not the first to dream of running away when times are tough. 

I think you owe it to these kids to at least try and fix your marriage (though that opinion may change). Find a marriage counselor and let your husband know how serious this is. Why do you think he won't keep up the changes? What do his "anger problems" look like?

It's not like you _have_ to stay with your husband after the kids are adopted. It's not ideal but divorce is an option. Yes it would be hard on the kids but so is living in an unhappy "stayed for the kids" home or being split up and sent off to new families.


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## TomNebraska (Jun 14, 2016)

beachbumming said:


> .... We currently have 8 foster kids, all 7yo and younger (besides teen) and raised 4 from birth. One sibling set of 4, twins and a teen with her toddler. ...


wow. That's a lot. 

I echo Bobert's comment. 

You have a lot on your plate, and all I can really think to tell you would be get some personal therapy to keep the stress in context, and maybe start to coach the older kids on helping with the others.

Why do you think leaving your H will help? It kinda sounds like you're sick of too many people not just him.


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## beachbumming (Feb 13, 2021)

TomNebraska said:


> wow. That's a lot.
> 
> I echo Bobert's comment.
> 
> ...


I am definitely sick of all the chaos. But I think it's him also bc I feel great and fine all day long (I stay at home) and then when he comes home it's not good. I don't know if it's him taking his crap out on me and/or reacting to that. He's currently sick and staying away from everyone. I'm sleeping on the couch so he can take the room. I love not having him around. And that scares me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am gobsmacked that someone let you take in that many kids. That's absolutely insane. Not good for you OR them. Wow.

I think it is your depression talking, and I wouldn't make any big decisions without doing two things - telling my husband just how dire the situation is and coming up with a way to try and save the marriage; and; agreeing together not to make any life altering decisions until the kids are adopted.

And don't take in anymore kids.

It's highly likely your husband is also feeling overwhelmed, and it comes out as anger/frustration (yours comes out as depression). Imagine coming home from a long day at work, and walking into chaos at home...wouldn't be nice either x


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