# Why Will My Ex Wife Not Leave Me Alone?



## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

I posted on here a while ago discussing what i was going through and than the password breach happened on here so im not sure if those posts are still available. Short back history

She filed for the divorce and moved back home with her parents and our 2 children 3 hours away

Held Onto the divorce papers for sometime before deciding what to do with them

She hugs me when i see her but i have no interest in doing so at this time (earlier on i would have when i was trying to make it work)

Gave me the finalized divorce papers on fathers day with a card from the children

Asked me if i wanted to go out to dinner for fathers day with the kids and she would pay.. and today she wants me to make her a website..

Where i stand, she told me to move on with my life, there was no going back. She didnt want anything to do with me. I dont want to talk to her at all, and i have purchased the kids a cheap phone so that i can call them directly. They are 2-3.

Why will she not leave me alone?? I'm at the point where im trying to move on with my life and make a better life for myself and the children. I dont want to have any contact with her other than getting the kids

What is going on??


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

It seems like she hasn't accepted the divorce yet and still wants your attention and time and for you to take care of her like you are still married...but you aren't. She is saying one thing and acting in another manner. My STBX does the exact same thing and it is infuriating; if you let it be. I would keep your boundaries up real high with this one. I know it can be confusing because of mixed messages and all. You are under no obligation to her anymore. Just try not to let it mess with your head!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Adding that it is good you are moving on. Your contact with her at this point should be about the kids; not dinners or websites or whatever excuse she might come up next where she "needs" you. She isn't your responsibility anymore.


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

Exactly my thought 5creed, she said "its like you hate me" while she was giving me a hug. I was just standing there. I do however have a very strong hatred for her and the breakup of the family etc. Hell at this point i would pay her parents to meet me with the children so i wouldn't have to mess with her. She wants to have her cake and eat it as well. If the kids werent involved i would ignore her completely. but thats not the case so i just limit it the most i possibly can


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am a divorced woman with two kids. I asked for the divorce.

I have no need to hurt him more than I did by leaving. When I see him, I always give him a hug, because I will always care about him, he is the father of my babies. This also shows our kids that there is still kindness between their parents. 

Numerous times we have went out for meals together with the kids. I think they really enjoy this time with us all together. He is my go to person for computer questions too.

If he told me he didn't want me to do this stuff I would stop immediately and respect his wishes. I never considered that he may feel the way you do. 

Maybe she has no idea you don't what any contact with her other than about the kids. Have you told her this specifically? Because to me it sounds like she is just trying to keep a cordial relationship with you.


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

Hi Spicy thanks for the reply back, i can understand what your saying about being cordial. But at the end of the day she decided she wanted out and i will never forgive her for that. My children have been shuffled around to now there 3rd home. in a matter of months. Hell they don't even have there own bedrooms at her new pos place. I have such a disgust for her. If she doesn't get the hint soon i will tell her to her face dont contact me. After all you told me to move on. She is on her own now. She has destroyed my sense of family and screwed the kids lives up. Hate isn't a strong enough word for me in regards to her


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She was trying to be nice to you on Father's Day because she wants you to build her a website, today. She kinda f'd it up though, with handing you the divorce papers along with a card. WTH? LOL She doesn't get out much does, she? LOL

When she goes in for a hug, step back. Let her stand there with egg on her face.


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

I tried working it out with her and went to counseling... she said i need space i have outgrown you and the town etc etc.... crazy


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

10-4 i will do that blondi Thanks for that  Put a smile on my face


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

The exact events that went down, i was trying to leave to go back home. The kids were at her parents which is right next door to her house. Her mother said she needs to talk to me, i could have cared less to see her. I go over there and she hands me a manila envelope with the divorce papers finalized and a separate fathers day card on fathers day.....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Josh O'kefe said:


> The exact events that went down, i was trying to leave to go back home. The kids were at her parents which is right next door to her house. Her mother said she needs to talk to me, i could have cared less to see her. I go over there and she hands me a manila envelope with the divorce papers finalized and a separate fathers day card on fathers day.....


How sweet and thoughtful. Yep, keep them all at a distance. Yikes!!!!!


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

You will be tied to her obviously because of the children and maybe down the road things can be different, but you both have some feelings to work through-sounds like she cheated on you and is now living with him? Right now I think the best thing is to keep your space from each other.


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

I dont know what happened but she isnt living with a guy. She moved back home on her parents property in a separate house. She was living with them and our two children for 2 months.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Josh - I think the next time she wants a favor from you, you should politely remind her that she fired you from that job!


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

That's exactly how i feel, I'm not in the mood to be cordial with her, she didn't want to work things out and just took the easy way out and filed for divorce. My hatred for her is intense


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

How long before the divorce is finalized?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Josh O'kefe - think about it - she is getting what she wants the divorce and a new life without you and also wants the added perk of being friendly with her ex..she's selfish and seems to only be aware of one persons feelings - her own....I wouldnt be nasty but lay out the boundaries with her and stick to them - you know as well as I do she will be dating soon enough - if she doesn't already have her eye on a new guy..separate your life from hers as much as possible...


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

already is she gave me the papers finalized on fathers day with a card from my children


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Josh O'kefe said:


> already is she gave me the papers finalized on fathers day with a card from my children


She sounds like a real prize...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Josh O'kefe said:


> I posted on here a while ago discussing what i was going through and than the password breach happened on here so im not sure if those posts are still available. Short back history
> 
> She filed for the divorce and moved back home with her parents and our 2 children 3 hours away
> 
> ...



Better question why are you letting her have any control over you. Move on with your life. She is an ex for a reason.

Want to go to dinner "Nope", can you help me with this "Nope.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I am a divorced woman with two kids. I asked for the divorce.
> 
> I have no need to hurt him more than I did by leaving. When I see him, I always give him a hug, because I will always care about him, he is the father of my babies. This also shows our kids that there is still kindness between their parents.
> 
> ...


You really should stop.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Josh O'kefe said:


> My hatred for her is intense.


You only have to own what is yours. In this case, have you considered counseling to work through the anger? I certainly understand why you feel that way, but to be truly free of her you need to get the hate out of your system.

You've probably heard the saying that the opposite of love is not hate; it's indifference.

I really hope you work towards becoming totally indifferent to her.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What exactly happened leading up to the finalisation of the divorce ?

How long ago did she start saying she had "outgrown you/the town etc" ?

How did you respond and what did she say after that ? In short, what went down ?

Did you suspect there was someone else ? In her hometown ?

This doesn't sound normal - what I am trying to understand is did she move on for someone else ? Didn't you try and find out if you didn't know ? Has that someone dumped her and she is coming back to you now for support etc ?

I understand your hate - but what is really fuelling it ?

As another poster here said, she gives her ex hugs and asks him for computer help - and she dumped her husband - so it must happen. I too cannot understand it - her behaviour or her husbands agreement to support her or accept her hugs - I wouldn't if I had been dumped.

You need to let her know in no uncertain terms that not only do you not want to have contact with her but that it is also weird that she should expect it - there is nothing amicable about this split it would seem.

Take care.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Josh O'kefe said:


> I posted on here a while ago discussing what i was going through and than the password breach happened on here so im not sure if those posts are still available. Short back history
> 
> She filed for the divorce and moved back home with her parents and our 2 children 3 hours away
> 
> ...


She is doing this because you are allowing it. She wants certain parts of you that are of use to her. 

But guess what? SHE FIRED YOU. You wouldn't allow this from an employer who fired you, right? So why accept this from the person who fired you as her husband? 

Don't wait for her to "get the hint." Tell her straight up that you want no contact with her at all, outside of what is needed for your children. Also to only contact you when that is needed via text or email, that way you get to determine if it gets a reply or not. Tell her not to hug you, that it makes you uncomfortable. She does it for her own conscience, not love for you. 

What you allow is what will continue. So don't allow this crap any more.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Josh,

What I would suspect here is that your WW may have had a long distance emotional affair going on, which emptied her love for you. Was she texting some guy or did she talk alot about some guy at work?

What often happens is that the affair partners promise to leave their spouses, but one of them backs out of the deal, and the one who actually left is stuck, no boyfriend and no husband either she does not want to lose the father of her children. 

Did she tell you that she loves you but is not in love with you? or some variation?

Tamat


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

sokillme said:


> You really should stop.


We have really done nothing but make excellent progress in our relationship as co-parents. My Ex has forgiven me, and he will tell anyone that. He has never even remotely indicated he wants me to stop being nice to him. We never treated each other badly. I don't know why we would change who we are now? We are all trying to move on and do the best we can with the cards we have left. If I ever had even the slightest indication from him that I was bothering him I would stop instantly.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

@Josh O'kefe - her good mood is not shocking like any selfish walk away spouse - they got what they wanted now they want everyone to be friends and happy - why shouldn't they? They don't want to be the bad guys for breaking up their family and sending an awful message to their children about the fact that promises are disposable to them. Any spouse who breaks up their family for situations that fall well under acceptable definitions of abuse or dysfuntion are real POS if there are kids involved. I agree with the others - just deal be strictly business - talk about the kids and thats it - she wanted ot walk away - its on her for destroying her family. Set firm boundaries.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spicy said:


> We have really done nothing but make excellent progress in our relationship as co-parents. My Ex has forgiven me, and he will tell anyone that. He has never even remotely indicated he wants me to stop being nice to him. We never treated each other badly. I don't know why we would change who we are now? We are all trying to move on and do the best we can with the cards we have left. If I ever had even the slightest indication from him that I was bothering him I would stop instantly.


At least admit it really is all about you not having to feel guilty.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm with you; when my wife divorced me, I wanted nothing else to do with her. Divorce is saying, "get out of my life, I don't want you anymore, you're not good enough to be my husband anymore." 

I've read about people who divorce and are still buddy-buddy. The man still goes over and mows the grass and does odd jobs for a while. As far as I was concerned, her grass could grow to the windows, it was nothing to me anymore. 

As for the co-parenting thing that people speak of, I found that not to take much contact either, but I guess it depends on what a person's lifestyle is. I am fortunate to have kids that don't misbehave, so we didn't have to have a lot of contact discussing misbehavior, and we don't do activities together; we have separate birthday parties and such.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

I feel there are a lot of great suggestions after reading this thread. Definitely, make healthy boundaries and as one suggested to contact per email and/or text with a smartphone. ooh and if you two need to make any appointments around the children, perhaps a google calendar account. It's a really passive move, but if you are both on board, then there will be no mistake.


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## Josh O'kefe (Jun 30, 2016)

Today we met to exchange the children. Went ok, she called me after etc.. and i told her i have a strong hate for her and anger. I told her not to hug me or expect me to go out to dinner with her and the children like she has requested. She said she wanted to be friends and i said absolutely not. I remember she told me to move on and thats what im doing. Cutting off as much as possible. I told her i don't want to talk to her for at least a year. When i call hand the phone to the kids. I have nothing to say to you etc. I dont give a **** how your day is going. I feel so much better.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Josh O'kefe said:


> She told me to move on with my life, there was no going back. She didnt want anything to do with me.... Why will she not leave me alone??


Josh, for those of us who missed your earlier thread, it would be very helpful if you would describe her behavior prior to the divorce. Your "back history" describes what she's done since giving you the D papers but says nothing about her reasons for wanting to divorce you -- and nothing about her exhibiting any erratic behavior before leaving you.


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