# Guys, Your Opinion Pls: Husband Lacking Desire for Me!



## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

After years of lurking around this fantastic resource of a board, I finally decided to register to ask a question of my own. I'm seeking for opinions and any thoughts or feedback you can give me would be very much appreciated. 

WARNING: This will be long!

First, a little about us: We've been married for 8 years, H is in his late 30s, I'm a decade younger. Things, outside of the bedroom, are great between us -- we enjoy spending time together and share several hobbies (gym, dining out, hiking, long driving trips, etc.) We speak the same language in every sense of the word...

Our only issue is (and has been for several years) his lack of desire in me. I'm generally a very, very sexual person and would be happiest being intimate with him on a daily basis. He, on the other hand, can do without sex for months on end... and if I don't initiate, that's exactly what happens (currently at 6 weeks with absolutely NO sexual activity of any kind between us). 

Now normally, even when I do initiate it, all that happens is I give him a BJ and that's that (mostly because he just lies there and doesn't "participate" much). To me, believe it or not, that's better than nothing; I still feel closer to him after that, and can "take care of myself" after he's fast asleep... though there HAVE been times when I'm moved to tears by lack of any kind of reaction from him. 

Beyond the sex itself, I am very hurt by the fact that he just doesn't seem to notice me at all. I am attractive (working fitness model by trade), and get noticed by men and women alike everywhere I go... yet all I want is my husband to look at me and tell me that I look good to him. 

I go out of my way to dress up, buy new lingerie, change my hair/style nearly daily, and it ALL goes completely unnoticed (he LITERALLY doesn't look at me, usually looks at the ground when we're meeting somewhere, never notices my appearance at all). 

Meanwhile, I have always been physically attracted to him, and always compliment him (genuinely) on his appearance. After reading the thermostat thread, I'd actually cooled off with that (been several months)... honestly, I don't even think he's noticed...lol

Side note: This isn't a libido issue because his computer is full of porn; and he checks out other women on the streets regularly. I have no issues with this as I realize that men are visual creatures... I just wish I got in on some of this action that's going on in his brain!

I have had numerous conversations with him about this. He's always "frank" in telling me that "there's no p**** like new p**** and there's nothing I can do to change how I feel about this." 

So basically, he needs someone new to feel any attraction. Does this make sense to anyone of you men, because I personally don't understand it no matter how much he's tried to explain it to me. 

I've entertained the idea of open marriage, but fail to understand how him having sex with others would benefit me. 

I really truly do my very best to be the best wife I can be -- I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, work; he does nothing around the house. I'm as supportive as can be, give him nightly massages, the huge plasma TV I got for his birthday last year is all his (I never watch it because I'm too busy being the best wife possible)... I'm just exhausted and at a loss, I guess. 

Again, any thoughts would be very much appreciated. Maybe some of you guys could put yourselves in his shoes and see something I'm missing...

Thanks for reading; blessings to you all!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Oh my...

Wow.

Ummm

He is revolting. Seriously, He values you not one bit.

It should bother you that he looks at porn, perves on other women, yet pays you no attention.

His comments about P**** are so disgusting, I think I would have vomited on him. 

After that comment I would have said and now you really won't be getting any p**** because you will never see mine again.

You are a doormat. One partner giving oral and the other giving nothing is very very selfish, behaviour.

Honestly how you can even begin to believe he loves and values you at all is astounding to me. :scratchhead:

I would normally encourage people to give their partner one last good go at redeeming themselves, but if what you say is true, I would feel physically ill if I was you. 

You deserve to be loved, desired and cherished, and a man who loves the woman he is with does appreciate her beauty, does enjoy sex with her, does not say things about new P**** etc.

P.S I would leave him and when he asked why I would say

"Theres no d!ck like new hard d!ck, especially D!ck that can't get enough of my boring old P***y"


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

> So basically, he needs someone new to feel any attraction. Does this make sense to anyone of you men, because I personally don't understand it no matter how much he's tried to explain it to me.


I've never been able to undestand or relate to this myself. I am all for monogamy with the right person, where you can spend years learning each other and getting better. It really seems like the way to go.

There is something seriously wrong with this guy.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Coming from a guy...

As the others have said, he's being a total pr!ck. Not only is he not meeting your intimacy needs, he's doing it with willfully hurtful comments. And the likelyhood of him changing things seems fairly remote. You could try getting him into some form of counseling as a last resort, but what it really boils down to whether his current behaviour is acceptable to you. Because there's only one person whose behaviour you control, and that's yours.

When you say things are great outside the bedroom, keep in mind that you can share all those things with a friend as well. Heck, you can get a room mate that treats you better than your husband does, if it's a concern financially. At least they wouldn't beat you emotionally. 

This is what I see in your future... A constant chipping down of your self esteem. A buildup of resentments and hurt. Possible affairs from either/both of you. 

My advice... Leave now. Stay friends if you like, so you have an activity partner. But find someone who loves you like a husband should.

C


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## Edge (Mar 30, 2011)

Your husband is a jerk. I hate divorce but if he is unwilling to change I would think about leaving.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anomoley said:


> I have had numerous conversations with him about this. He's always "frank" in telling me that "there's no p**** like new p**** and there's nothing I can do to change how I feel about this."
> 
> So basically, he needs someone new to feel any attraction.


Wow. I would tell him he's welcome to that but you won't be around.

DO NOT offer an open marriage to satiate HIS needs and get none of yours met. Cause the truth is, you don't really want an open marriage. So why would you do that? 

If he doesn't change, let him go. Because I am sure there are a ton of men out there who would love to have sex with you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Anomoley said:


> ...I'm generally a very, very sexual person...I am attractive (working fitness model by trade)...I go out of my way to dress up, buy new lingerie, change my hair/style... and always compliment him (genuinely) on his appearance... I realize that men are visual creatures...I really truly do my very best to be the best wife I can be -- I cook, clean, do laundry, run errands, work... I'm as supportive as can be, give him nightly massages, the huge plasma TV I got for his birthday...


Wow, you sound completely amazing. Either you are just here to talk yourself up and really aren't what you say you are, or else you H is a complete dolt. Send him to this website and we will set him straight. I think we all can understand that the intensity of a long-term relationship can fade, but it sounds like you are doin all the right things to live life with all the intensity you can and he isn't willing to appreciate that.

Coming from a man who like your H failed to show his wife the affection she deserved (though we both fell somewhere in between you and your spouse where it comes to the effort and appreciation), he has probably forgotten how important his love for you is, he needs something to wake him up out of autopilot... take a vacation together (or maybe by yourself to let him deal with taking care of himself to appreciate what you do), do something new together try to find out what gets his adrenaline going (aside from looking at OW) go to MC. I don't know what it will take for you to wake up your marriage but I can tell you if it works it will be worth every effort.


****on second thought, leave him and run away with me!! (just kidding of course, I am totally against infidelity...) Seriously though you need to make him work harder for you, stop letting him treat you like that, take control over what you do for him, limit the kindness, reward him for good behavior, be strong and challenge him, if he is up for the challenge your sex life will come back... I don't know if asking for intimacy on a daily basis is totally fair - for some people, men included, they feel sex has to be some sacred larger-than-life thing and the idea of disappointing is scarier than not getting any, or maybe he is secretly a bottom and wants to be dominated once in awhile.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Does he bump his ego on the door when he enters the room? This guy could give a Donald Trump a run for his money in the megalomania department.


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

Wow, wasn't expecting so many people to respond so quickly; thank you very much for your feedback, everyone!

Just a couple of things... 

I'd suspected him of being a narcissist at one point, because a lot of the different facets of his personality and actions seemed to match up perfectly with some of those descriptions. I bought a bunch of books, and did a ton of research... and then he found my "stash" of info and confronted me, wanting to talk about it. 

We did, and after everything we spoke about, I sort of dropped my idea of him having any narcissistic traits because he did change a lot of the egocentric behaviors he used to be so fond of. Well, I guess except the whole sex thing (but I never saw it as an ego thing, either). 

Also, in all honesty, I never thought that this is an issue that could potentially lead to divorce, only because we really are so close and compatible in every other way. But you guys are really starting to open my eyes; I never considered the fact that I could have a very similar relationship with a plutonic friend. And that's a problem, obviously. 

Lon: All of my male friends (and his, as well -- even his coworkers who interact with me for a few minutes) are in complete disbelief that women like me "still exist" in the sense that I do as much as I do to take care of my H, work, put so much value on a man having masculine energy, while also being attractive. Last time one of his coworkers told him that he's a lucky SOB, he replied with a variation of, "No matter how good she looks - no matter how sweet she talks - somebody, somewhere is sick and tired of putting up with her ****," and laughed as he went to give me a hug. 

I was NOT amused... and he kept apologizing later, saying that he was joking... but the truth is, this is exactly how he views our relationship. I always get the impression that he's just tired of being with me and is simply "putting up with me" at this point, because I'm not anything new and exciting to him. 

I've asked him many times in the past if he'd be happier being single, and his reply is always "NO, I hate dating." It's never "NO because I love being with you." And that used to hurt me, but I've gotten over that too. 

And then there's the fact that part of me always feels like every marriage has its issues, and if you want to stay married, you have to be willing to deal with them. It's just at this point, I'm lacking the resources to deal with this issue... feels like I've tried everything and failed. 

I'll show this thread to him later today and see what he says. Thanks again for your replies, everyone!


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

Lon said:


> ...
> Seriously though you need to make him work harder for you, stop letting him treat you like that, take control over what you do for him, limit the kindness, reward him for good behavior, be strong and challenge him, if he is up for the challenge your sex life will come back... I don't know if asking for intimacy on a daily basis is totally fair - for some people, men included, they feel sex has to be some sacred larger-than-life thing and the idea of disappointing is scarier than not getting any, or maybe he is secretly a bottom and wants to be dominated once in awhile.


This is what I've been trying to do lately... and what it's led to, is 6 weeks with no sex at all...lol

I must be doing this wrong. I need to learn how to make this happen. How to stop handing myself to him on a silver platter the way I have been, and maybe make him work for my affection. I have no clue how to go about doing this, other than to just "cool off" toward him -- but that is what I've done, and it has certainly not worked yet. 

Thanks very much for your advice, Lon. We're actually planning a little vacation in a couple of months, as well... we'll see if that does anything to "shake him awake" for us.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

sounds to me like the way he treats you gets him exactly what he wants - the most beautiful wife who does all the work, takes care of all his needs, will orally please him whenever he wants while he can continue to eye up OW. You don't seem like you are failing under the pressure, its seems like you would go even further and still be devoted to him, you don't seem fragile to him and he sees that you could probably handle a lot more mistreatment before you get to the breaking point. If both of you care about your marriage and making this work in the long run then you need to fix it, he needs to show more respect or by the sounds of it he will lose the most wonderful person in his life.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I agree with Lon. I also wonder if he is secretly gay....not having sex but wanting you to just give him bjs all the time.

His comments to you are totally unacceptable. He's got you so busy working for him you don't have time to stop and realize that he treats you like crap and you seem eager for more. Those cutting comments he's making are to keep you down and make you feel like you don't deserve better. And it's working. 

I would recommend therapy for you to figure out why you think that his treatment of you is okay. You deserve much better. But he's got you right where he wants you....feeling insecure, thinking he's a good catch, making you do all the work.

On the inside, he's an insecure little worm who thinks he's not good enough for you, so he puts you down to try to even the playing field and make himself feel better. It's what bullies do, too.

And what kind of a man gets oral on a consistent basis and never offers to return the favor? What a jerk!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Anomoley said:


> I was NOT amused... and he kept apologizing later, saying that he was joking... but the truth is, this is exactly how he views our relationship. I always get the impression that he's just tired of being with me and is simply "putting up with me" at this point, because I'm not anything new and exciting to him.


Someone will really love and appreciate you, and treat you as the gem you are.



> I've asked him many times in the past if he'd be happier being single, and his reply is always "NO, I hate dating." It's never "NO because I love being with you." And that used to hurt me, but I've gotten over that too.


 This makes me so sad for you, that he could say something like that, hurt you like that and you are still there.



> And then there's the fact that part of me always feels like every marriage has its issues, and if you want to stay married, you have to be willing to deal with them. It's just at this point, I'm lacking the resources to deal with this issue... feels like I've tried everything and failed.


There are issues and there are * ISSUES* This falls under the later. You don't need more resources, you need to realize your true worth and move on, before he saps more life out of you.

If you stay you have more of the same to look forward to, and when you do end up leaving him, you will wonder, Why didn't I leave him years ago? I can guarantee it. 

It seems a scary prospect, however you have all ready dealt with this crushing blow to your self esteem, and I'll bet that being on your own won't seem nearly as scary once you get out there, as spending the rest of your life with a man who doesn't truly value you or love you the way he should. 



> I'll show this thread to him later today and see what he says. Thanks again for your replies, everyone!


It would be interesting for him to chime in.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

To answer your original question, is it normal to only get turned on by new p***. The answer to this is HELL NO. 

Personally, to me there is no such thing as our M is great except for sex. Because a relationship as you describe is not a marriage. Before anything, a marriage is a sexual relationship.

There are two ways to try to get what you want in a marriage, the "nice" method and the "not nice" method. People need to use both methods. You have done way too much of the "nice" and have to start with some confrontation.

Think about what you need in your marriage, and whether your needs are being met, and what is your husband bringing to the table. Then, if you feel he needs to improve tell him what he needs to do and how many days / weeks / months you will give him to figure it out.


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

Sorry about the delay in updating you guys (and ladies); busy few days. 

I did show him this post that day. He read all the responses, and basically said that no one can know what our relationship is like because they're not in it, WE are -- and we are generally happy, outside of the sex component. 

He did say that HE himself is unhappy about his lack of sexual desire for me, but that it is completely normal and natural, and that all of his married friends feel the same way about their wives (he said they "force" themselves to have sex with them, and some wives don't want it anyway so it isn't a problem -- they just live in sexless marriages and are happy with that). 

I tried to argue that he's incorrect, and that many men ARE attracted to their wives sexually after years of being with them. That's when he sent me this link: The Coolidge Effect | Reuniting

I read it, and it makes sense, really. So now, I'm left with no argument at all...lol

He said that men who say that having sex with the same woman for years on end doesn't get old are either lying to themselves, or to others, and that if he could figure out what to do about the way he feels, he'd love to do it as he isn't "happy wanting to pound on every female" he sees everywhere outside our home. 

Just wanted to update, if any of you guys have further thoughts based on what you read in that link, that'd be great. Thanks again for your feedback, everyone.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

He compared himself to a rodent. Very fitting.

Tell him to take his article and shove it where the sun doesn't shine. There are plenty of men who want sex with their wives. This entire website is filled with men who want just that.....sex with their wives. Some have been married 5 years, 10, 20 and up and they come here and beg for answers on how to have more sex with their wives. Few have cheated, very few. 
But I guess all the men here are liars.

File for divorce. Let Lt. Loser go and find all those willing women who at the mere sight of him will shake their thongs off and go at with a self absorbed, aging megalomaniac bum who is bad in the sack.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Another guy just adding to those who are saying that he is highly abnormal. Like attracts like. He says that all of his friends agree with him because normal, decent people will not have much to do with his type. Sorry to say that, but you can find happiness elsewhere. He treats you like an object.

Good guys sometimes lose the spark, but that's often where good women, like you, let them know that they are willing to explore new things together. A man like this wouldn't dream of treating you like an object by saying such crude things.

My wife and I had a close friend who sounds much like you. It took years for her to see that she deseved better. Her husband was unwilling to change. Now that we are in a different part of the country, she travelled to see us with her new husband, who worships her. Because we were her friend in the old relationship, and gave her the money to get away, she cried nearly the entire week here because she said it was like living in a dream. I hate to recommend divorce, but you need this dream.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Coolidge effect? I know about the RITA Coolidge effect. That's when you put on Rita Coolidge and make love. 

Look, science is great but this is nonsense. Do chickens read the Kama Sutra? Do chickens spice things up with costumes? Do chickens do it on the kitchen table? Do chickens perform oral sex on each other at the same time?

Yeah ok so making love the same way with the same person can go stale. So un-stale it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

What? This guy is from another planet! I would want endless sex from my wife anytime, any age.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

When people compare the sexual behaviours of animals to humans, it really gets my goat. Baaaa.

We are not animals, we have a lot that sets us a part. Your husband is not an animal, and has the ability for complex decision making, and fee will. Which he doesn't seem to be able activate in his own brain. Perhaps it's time you moved him to the dog house permenantly?

The coolidge effect does occur in males and *females*. Does he understand that? Does that mean we should all be running around having sex with every man that we come across? Or that we should be constantly looking at new ****s? That we shouldn't be attracted to our husbands? 

I say NO.

We can choose with our giant brain power (or those of us who have it) to focus our attention on the people we love. If you allow the media and society (and porn) to infiltrate your thought process and see people as merely sexual objects, and not see women as people any more, then you have a huge problem. If you have so much of a problem that you can't even see the beauty in your wife any more, and are not sexually attracted to her then you have an even bigger one.

The best sexual relationships are those that are deep and meaningful and full of love, they are ones where both people feel full filled and cherished and desired. Not like the next wet hole or hard d!ck.

*Does your husband also understand about oxytocin, known as the cuddle hormone and what that does for pair bonding? After sex and in general every day life with them, if in fact you focus on your partner and making each other feel good. The more you pair with one person, the more oxytocin you release in relation to that person, the more you bond and the more you want to stay together. You can help release it in each other, by having sex, bonding and doing nice tings for each other.*

Monogamy: Nature or nurture? - by Melissa Murphy - Helium

This what creates a monogamous relationship.

The more time he spends watching porn and salivating over other women instead of appreciating what he has, the less oxytocin you will both make. This leaves you wide open to an affair or leaving him as well. I hope he realizes that.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... what do you love about him? And why?

Everyone sees this utterly glaring down-side with the man that you have chosen. So why did you choose him? And knowing what you know now, would you still choose him?

You need to start mirroring some of his behavior, selfishness in particular. Right along with checking other guys out, and raising the stakes on this thing. Get 'edgier'. Ask him which of you he thinks could go out on a Friday night and get laid quicker, you, or him? Be more provocative and less dependable. 

I often refer to shaking up the dynamic. In your case, he feels like he has you right where HE wants you. To him, you are predictable, dependable, loving, committed, faithful. Change that perception. Destabilize the relationship. Twenty year old fitness model? You shouldn't have difficulty accomplishing that.


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

I'm brand new to posting on here, but I wanted to reply because I have a different take than everyone else. I'm not sexually attracted to my wife either. I'm going to a lot of therapy and that's one of the things we're talking about. To be fair, I'm *very* unhappy in my marriage, so I can't empathize with having a wonderful marriage and bad sex. 

I can empathize that my wife has offered me BJs or whatever I've wanted. Unlike your husband, I've declined and moved out of the bedroom. 

One of my therapists had a theory that sounds to me like it could work for your marriage. She said some men can be married to *beautiful* *sexy* wives and still only look at porn. The reason is they're afraid of the intimacy of sex. They will find any excuse to not have intimate contact with their wives. 

Our problems are not that, but I wanted to offer it up to you as something to maybe think about or ask your husband to think about.


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

You're all great, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate all of your feedback. Really helps me organize my own thoughts and "get out of my own head" a little bit, as I've been pretty stuck in there for quite a while at this point. 


*Therealbrighteyes: *I actually did mention to him that there are plenty of men who can't get enough sex with their wives, to which he replied that that's just because their wives aren't giving them any. I told him I will no longer be giving him any either, and asked if that'll make him want it. He said "No, I'm past that at this point." Not quite sure what that means.


*Halien:* Your post brought tears to my eyes. It really touched me very deeply; simply realizing that there are people such as yourself and your wife in this world is overwhelming to me. God bless you guys. Thanks for your input, it's very much appreciated. 


*Runs like Dog:* I've actually been considering learning more about Kama Sutra, but then remembered that any time I proposed anything to him in the past (role playing and some adult board games come to mind), he basically blew me off saying something to the effect of, "how different could it get." Still, I think it may be worth it for me to talk to him about something like this again, so thanks for the reminder. 


*alphaomega:* Thanks for yet another confirmation that he's not the "typical/normal" guy.


_*Syrum:*_ I really appreciate the time you've taken to give me as much feedback as you have thus far. I actually took some time to research all the different things that promote the release of serotonin, and now I'm thinking that maybe we need to do more of these things together to strengthen our relationship. 

I also ended up doing more reading on the hormones that result in people wanting to continuously move on to new sex partners (basically elevated prolactin/decrease in adrenalin), and learned that anytime a male has an orgasm with a female, this hormonal balance is achieved. 

So now I'm thinking that maybe NOT having sex with him is the better way to go. Although, serotonin does support bonding -- and that's released during sex itself. So basically, having sex without an actual orgasm is the way to long-term marriage.  Ahhh... my head is spinning... 

In any case, thanks for prompting all this research. If nothing else, it's all definitely interesting reading.


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

I've been following your posts, _*Deejo*_, and always love your posts, so your feedback means a lot. Thank you. 



Deejo said:


> So ... what do you love about him? And why?
> 
> Everyone sees this utterly glaring down-side with the man that you have chosen. So why did you choose him? And knowing what you know now, would you still choose him?


In all honesty, he has many great qualities about him. He's extremely motivated, funny, very intelligent, hard working. He's patient, has similar values to mine, and we've just "clicked" from the first time we met. 

At our very first date, I remember telling myself that I'd marry him one day. I was 18 years old, he was 28 -- I was practically a baby! And 2 years later, we got married. 

Eight years of marriage later, and we have yet to run out of things to talk about. We get along famously -- if we were friends, we'd be best of friends. 

The intimacy is pretty much what's ruining everything right now, as it's moving us further and further apart. I just feel all this resentment towards him growing inside of me, and I know it'll be the end of us sooner rather than later. 

If I had known that we'd end up here, with these issues, I probably would have thought twice about marrying him back then. But after thinking twice, I'm sure I would've still done it -- I was head over heels in love! And I do still love him. 



> You need to start mirroring some of his behavior, selfishness in particular. Right along with checking other guys out, and raising the stakes on this thing. Get 'edgier'. Ask him which of you he thinks could go out on a Friday night and get laid quicker, you, or him? Be more provocative and less dependable.
> 
> I often refer to shaking up the dynamic. In your case, he feels like he has you right where HE wants you. To him, you are predictable, dependable, loving, committed, faithful. Change that perception. Destabilize the relationship. Twenty year old fitness model? You shouldn't have difficulty accomplishing that.


Well, this is actually another thing that surprises me sometimes -- his complete lack of jealousy. I get approached by guys on a daily basis, often when he's around. 

Over the years, I've had admirers, stalkers, fans... and everything in between. He KNOWS I could have my pick if I wanted. 

I'm often amazed at just how stable he feels, knowing that I get a lot of attention from other men, and NONE from him. But he does; he just doesn't seem to care at all. 

Do you think that's because he's secure in the knowledge that I'll never do anything to hurt him? 

I've also tried an experiment several months ago: While he was checking out girls' pictures online, I went on my laptop next to him, opened a bunch of windows with pictures of male fitness models (with whom I work, no less), and made sure he saw me sitting there looking at them. 

He asked me what I was doing; I smiled and said that I was admiring some "coworkers" of mine.

He gave me a kiss on the forehead and said, "Cool, you're allowed."

I was a little shocked and didn't know whether I should be happy or upset with his reaction. :scratchhead:

What are your thoughts?


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## Anomoley (Jun 13, 2011)

*TheAbstract:* Great to get the opposing viewpoint; sounds like you're going through a rough time as well, sorry to hear. 

I'll investigate whether it is the intimacy that he's afraid of. I don't quite understand why this would be the case, but you never know, definitely worth exploring. 

At one point, I did believe that maybe there's something that he's resentful toward me about, and tried to do some digging... but came up empty handed. 

Thanks again for the post; I sincerely hope you acquire the tools you need to repair your marriage. [/QUOTE]


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I disagree with you, and believe you both need to be getting your oxytocin or your marriage will not last.

He needs to stop with the ;porn and perving on other women and focus on you. he doesn't even seem to care that he is hurting you or destroying your relationship, so I have a hard time believing he is such a nice person.

Here is some info on porn and how it changes men's brains. It is very harmful.



> 102 The current porn epidemic gives a graphic demonstration that sexual tastes can be acquired. Pornography, delivered by high-speed Internet connections, satisfies every one of the prerequisites for neuroplastic change [forming new neural circuitry- a key piece in addiction].
> 
> Pornography seems, at first glance, to be a purely instinctual matter: sexually explicit pictures trigger instinctual responses, which are the product of millions of years of evolution. But if that were true, pornography would be unchanging. The same triggers, bodily parts and their proportions, that appealed to our ancestors would excite us. This is what pornographers would have us believe, for they claim they are battling sexual repression, taboo, and fear and that their goal is to liberate the natural, pent-up sexual instincts.
> 
> ...



ABOUT THE BOOK

The bottom line is, he isn't doing anything to change, he feels no guilt about his behaviour and no empathy for you.

It is unreasonable for him not to have sex without ejaculation, and if you both focused on each other and had orgasms together, and gave each other a lot of attention, he would want sex with you, and find you attractive.

If my husband ever said what yours had and acted like he wasn't attracted to me, I would be out the door. 

I think you need to stop making excuses for him.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Man, all these posts from women married to porn dopes just kill me. I don't know about any of the other guys here, but it just blows me away. For Chrissake, it's like watching a train wreck.

I really can't give you any advice on this guy 'cause he's broken. And there aint no fixin a borken guy, specially if he don't know he's broken. To put things into perspective on how broked this guy is, he's zeroed his own preselection. He has taken himself out of the gene pool. He chose his hand.

I can't wrap my head around guys like that. Why the hell don't you leave him for a real man? Christ.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Ayrun said:


> Man, all these posts from women married to porn dopes just kill me. I don't know about any of the other guys here, but it just blows me away. For Chrissake, it's like watching a train wreck.
> 
> I really can't give you any advice on this guy 'cause he's broken. And there aint no fixin a borken guy, specially if he don't know he's broken. To put things into perspective on how broked this guy is, he's zeroed his own preselection. He has taken himself out of the gene pool. He chose his hand.
> 
> I can't wrap my head around guys like that. Why the hell don't you leave him for a real man? Christ.


Great post.


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## ThomasZ (Jun 19, 2011)

Hi, I am posting this from the perspective of a man who has been living for 13 years in such a relationship where I had a wife who had a real stunning appearance and (I could tell) everyone wanted her - except I. I did solve my problem and I have now a wife which I find enormously attractive and we both have an unusually high drive.

I can tell you so much: He is not broken or a jerk. He is not sexually attracted to you, but that is not his fault. He feels very secure about you because he knows that you are working so much on him and on your relationship. That you want it more than he does puts him in the power-position and that makes secure. But there is something you can do about it.

You need two ingredients to get him back on track with you:
a very feminine, sexy appearance
and confidence about your own sexuality

Those are the two biggest turn-ons for men, triggering his sexual attraction switches and he can do nothing about it.

If you are a hot looking girl, I cannot tell since I do not know you. But I believe you lack certain confidence in your sexuality, which is already demonstrated by the fact that you are searching for advise in this forum.

In order to get him back, to the following:

dress up hot and sexy (but not try hard) - anywhere all the time. Do not even take the dog out without looking fresh and stunning. Do not do it for him, do it for anyone. Especially when you go out with your friends when he is not with you. Especially when male friends are around. Make-up fresh, wear nice high-heels. The message is: You are intrinsically a sexy being, not for your husband, but as yourself in general.
- move with confidence as if you would be the greatest Top-Model that ever ran the cat-walk.
- Stop talking to him about those problems you are having with him. And - for the love of anything - NEVER!!! show him that you are posting here or the posts as such. By that you are demonstrating insecurity about yourself, your body, your sexuality and that is one of the biggest turn-offs for men. 
- For the time being, simply live (pretend) as if everything was fine anyway (it will be soon, I promise). Do not discuss, do not argue. Joke around, be generally light and playful, a woman that is free and in harmony within her world.
- Allow other men to freely interact with you, maybe take you out for lunch or dinner. This is not to make him more jealous, but to demonstrate that you are a free and confident woman, who is in control of her life. You have no intention to "cross the line" with someone else (and you also say so), why would you, you are happily married. But you demonstrate also that you are not cemented in your position as a wife per se. You show that you have options, but you intentionally chose your husband because he is number one (this is very sexy and will boost his ego, no matter if he is generally jealous or not).
- important is, that you are free. Don't do anything out of despite, showing that you are angry or that you are on a mission to change your life. But because it is the most normal and natural thing for you, happily and playfully. 
- Start telling stories over dinner or lunches, where you talk about other people wanting you - not full frontal, but by subtle hints (but you, of course, are unaffected by such advances).
- Stop over-serving him. Forget sometimes stuff. If he mentions it, do not say that it is his fault. Simply apologize that you forgot, but forget again next time. It will demonstrate, that not all your attention is on him and that you have a life on your own.
- When eventually he turns back to you, do not immediately show him how happy you are that "he is back". Slowly invite him to be part of your life and when he wants you again, do not reject him, but also do not make it too easy for him. Playfully push him away like a dancer in a night-club would with a guest.

Hey, if some of this might sound counter-intuitive, do it anyway, I know it works. Let me know if you have any questions hereto. And especially let me know how you are doing.

Cheers Thomas


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

The best advice in that was to forget about him, and that's exactly what you should do.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

:iagree:
I think that last big post was full of bad advice, because your troubles are very big.

I am not into game playing and I certainly wouldn't want to pretend I was ready to have an affair almost to get my husbands attention.

He needs to know this is serious, and if he doesn't want you, you need to move and be happy with someone who will love and adore you.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Sorry, but suggesting that he's merely a good guy who is just not attracted to you is wrong. Good guys don't debase women to the extent of making them feel like an incubator for a vagina.

I'm a very confident person, and tend to be alpha. If a guy wants to look at my wife as she passes (without crossing the line), then it doesn't intimidate me. Guys complimenting her doesn't either. But the minute it bothers her, I'm not afraid to get in their face. Don't confuse confidence with being good. Good guys and bad ones can be confident.

Stick to Deej's advice, in my opinion.


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## TheAbstract (Jun 19, 2011)

Anomoley, 

Reading your posts in this thread again, I'm starting to think your husband needs to see a counselor or therapist of some sort and really discuss this stuff, because it's just not right. I think there are a lot of reasons someone could become sexually uninterested in their spouse, but to me, as someone going through that, I thought, "Hey, this is a reason for me to see a psychologist." It just seems to me like it's a matter of personal responsibility. 

It could be a fear of physical intimacy, it could be a drop in testosterone, it could be a lot of things...but whatever it is, the most important thing is there's nothing wrong with *you*.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Thing is, she's already breakin her back for a limp rag. If he's so keen on an open relationship, go for it. Find yourself some hunky guy who's gonna rock your world. Trust me darlin' they're everywhere.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It seems the main problem could very well be the fact that he gets his sexual needs squared away via porn. He no longer has to pleasure anyone but himself - so he's become lazy/slack. Withdrawing won't really help, he's got porn. Jealousy game won't work, he's got porn.

But how do you seduce him exactly? You have the body for it I'm sure but using it to create desire from him is another tale. The missus is quite good at building up my desire for her, as she knows my 'buttons' so to speak. Knows how to tease and make me into an animal (evil woman -.-) heh

You have to give him something that his hand can't give him. Build up desire that can only be forfilled by ramming something - instead of choking his chicken.

Speaking of which, this may be a perfect song for him:
YouTube - ‪I Love To Choke My Chicken With My Hand‬‏


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Anomoley said:


> Do you think that's because he's secure in the knowledge that I'll never do anything to hurt him?


This is exactly what I think.


Here is where I think you should take 'edgy'. And my advice is based on the actual events of a female friend of mine.

Confront him about the porn. Not whether or not he uses it as a sexual surrogate, you already know that.

Tell him you don't approve of it. You approve even less of the fact that his use of porn has eroded intimacy between the two of you.

Say these words EXACTLY, or if you can't ... then you need to get yourself into therapy and take a look at your self esteem. 

"I have no intention of staying married to someone addicted to pornography. You're an addict, and I find it pathetic."

Mix'em up however you like, but please be sure to include the words 'addict' and 'pathetic'.

He needs those barbs, from you. He thinks you are prepared to accept his behavior. Or worse, he doesn't care. Either way, you need to put a stake in the ground.

Are you angry? You should be.

My friend's circumstances were much like yours. They got along well. Owned and ran a business together. Had a little boy shortly after getting married. And following that ... sex and intimacy virtually evaporated. She discovered that he had been, always had been, using porn. After catching him twice and his promising to stop, she said those words above to him. And he was pathetic ... because he didn't stop. She never told him how, she of course had installed keylogger software. She could see the sites he was visiting, was horrified, and left. She delivered on her promise.

You're young, have plenty going for you. Sounds like you have a wonderful 'room-mate' and friend. Is that what you want from your husband? What you have right now? Only gets worse with time. My guess is that porn was his primary sexual outlet long before he ever laid eyes on you. Your husband is having an affair. His sexual attention is not focused on his wife. Pathetically, he feeds his own sexual desires and fantasies with a computer ... while ignoring or minimizing yours. You ok with that?


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

According to the experts it takes trust, love and respect to keep a marriage healthy. Sounds like he trusts you and sort of loves you, but he doesn't respect you. The things he said about new "P" are normal for men. Any guy on this forum who says otherwise is full of crap or lacks confidence. The people here that want you to ignore the evolutionary aspect of men's sexual behavior are just reacting emotionally due to their personal experiences or religious beliefs. Most confident men are basically pigs whether straight or gay, but the emotionally intelligent piggies choose to control their behavior and watch what they say to avoid permanent damage. Did he ever respect you on an intellectual level? 

I can tell you from personal experience that this can be as important and being physically attractive as this is the primary issue with my marriage. To gain intellectual respect you must challenge him is some way but avoid public humiliation as a tactic.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> The things he said about new "P" are normal for men. Any guy on this forum who says otherwise is full of crap or lacks confidence. The people here that want you to ignore the evolutionary aspect of men's sexual behavior are just reacting emotionally due to their personal experiences or religious beliefs.


This is one load of bullsh1t. There's nothin evolutionary about diddling your own fiddle in front of a computer. Guys who do that instead of having sex zero their pre-selection. Who's genes get passed on: The compulsive wanker or the guy actually gettin' it?

Man it's going to take a rocket scientist to figure this one out.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> According to the experts it takes trust, love and respect to keep a marriage healthy. Sounds like he trusts you and sort of loves you, but he doesn't respect you. The things he said about new "P" are normal for men. Any guy on this forum who says otherwise is full of crap or lacks confidence. The people here that want you to ignore the evolutionary aspect of men's sexual behavior are just reacting emotionally due to their personal experiences or religious beliefs. Most confident men are basically pigs whether straight or gay, but the emotionally intelligent piggies choose to control their behavior and watch what they say to avoid permanent damage. Did he ever respect you on an intellectual level?


I am a woman, so of course I disagree. 

However men are fooling themselves if they don't believe that most women feel that rush of excitement and extra horniness when with someone new too. And yes it's a great feeling, however so is building trust and intimacy with someone you love. We would never say there's no D!<k like new Di<k, because that would be insulting, and reality is that the benefits of being with the same person far outweigh having new sex with someone else, despite what the media leads people to believe.

I also believe you can have excitement and fantastic sex in any relationship, if you put the effort in, and if you don't think so then I don't believe you are doing it right. 

Men who don't have excitement in their sex lives, should really try creating some instead spending their time thinking about other women. What a novel idea.

They should be daring, and say and do things that are exciting to them, with the woman they love.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I never said anything about what motivates a women to seek exciting new relationships or that they can't enjoy new "P". I don't have any insight to that. I agree that too much porn is bad for a relationship. It's sexual energy that should be focused on your spouse and yes some men need to be more creative. However, I believe there has to be an anthropological reason that over a billion guys who have access to the internet use porn regulary. Porn use among men is universal. It crosses cultures, religions and sexual orientation. Are the nice folks here saying they are all just bad guys who need to man up or go to church? Is that really an explaination of why they are doing it? Does that provide any insight as to how a women can sucessfully handle it in her relationship?

Let me ask this. If a man was perfect in everyway (Hansome, rich, intelligent, confident, physically loyal, fit, romantic, large member, sexually attentive, does housework, great father, good friend, hair in all the right places, flosses, can fix anthing, cooks, loves animals, ect...), but he uses porn regularly. Would it still make you feel insecure about your relationship? Would you consider divorcing such a man if he existed?


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> ?
> 
> Let me ask this. If a man was perfect in everyway (Hansome, rich, intelligent, confident, physically loyal, fit, romantic, large member, sexually attentive, does housework, great father, good friend, hair in all the right places, flosses, can fix anthing, cooks, loves animals, ect...), but he uses porn regularly. Would it still make you feel insecure about your relationship? Would you consider divorcing such a man if he existed?


Er......... YES, actually in my case that was the only time that the word divorce ever popped up in my mind.
I didn't say that to hubby, but I made it clear that it was totally unexeptable for me.
And I don't have anything against a simple pornDVD, if watched together!
.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I never said anything about what motivates a women to seek exciting new relationships or that they can't enjoy new "P". I don't have any insight to that. I agree that too much porn is bad for a relationship. It's sexual energy that should be focused on your spouse and yes some men need to be more creative. However, I believe there has to be an anthropological reason that over a billion guys who have access to the internet use porn regulary. Porn use among men is universal. It crosses cultures, religions and sexual orientation. Are the nice folks here saying they are all just bad guys who need to man up or go to church? Is that really an explaination of why they are doing it? Does that provide any insight as to how a women can sucessfully handle it in her relationship?


Well obviously men are attracted to women and it is designed to arouse and is highly addictive. That's why it's best avoided.



> Let me ask this. If a man was perfect in everyway (Hansome, rich, intelligent, confident, physically loyal, fit, romantic, large member, sexually attentive, does housework, great father, good friend, hair in all the right places, flosses, can fix anthing, cooks, loves animals, ect...), but he uses porn regularly. Would it still make you feel insecure about your relationship? Would you consider divorcing such a man if he existed?


yes I'd divorce him. if he can't control himself and has to watch porn then he is not the man for me.

Men do not have to watch porn, nor is it a right, as society and the media would have most believe. To me it's the same as cheating, plus there is the complete lack of regard for women and the exploitation. Any man who was willing to put porn above our relationship, my very strong feelings on the subject and wanted to use women that way is not the man for me.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

Enginerd said:


> I never said anything about what motivates a women to seek exciting new relationships or that they can't enjoy new "P". I don't have any insight to that. I agree that too much porn is bad for a relationship. It's sexual energy that should be focused on your spouse and yes some men need to be more creative. However, I believe there has to be an anthropological reason that over a billion guys who have access to the internet use porn regulary. Porn use among men is universal. It crosses cultures, religions and sexual orientation. Are the nice folks here saying they are all just bad guys who need to man up or go to church? Is that really an explaination of why they are doing it? Does that provide any insight as to how a women can sucessfully handle it in her relationship?


Dude, have you ever heard of female hypergamy? If you haven't JFGI. 

The explanation as to WHY so many blokes get hooked on the stuff has to do with a brain chemical called dopamine (again, if you don't know JFGI). it's the same reason why millions of people eat junk food even though it's worthless substance. A natural chemical chain reaction gets twisted and your dopamine receptors don't know the difference. That's why you see guys getting so damn defensive about their porn, they're actually attached to it like it was their damn girlfriend.

There was some study not long ago that challenged a bunch of guys to go a week or two w/o viewing any porn. 70% of them failed. That's some ****ed up pathetic ****. 

Nothing like that exists in the animal kingdom, with the exception of _maybe_ sperm-warfare, but I'm not going to go into that. The fact that I have to explain this is kinda sad anyway. There's studies out there if you really want to understand porn use. When it comes down to it, it's an omega male behavior. Not very manly.

Thing is just cause somethin's common don't mean it's natural or even healthy. Eating twinkies and McDonald's all day feels good, but it's not good. Ya savvy? 

Oh and you're talking to an atheist btw, so religious excuses won't work on me partner.


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