# Not jiving with his friends



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I don't like the kind of male friends my partner hangs with and I'm having a hard time separating him from his friends/what they stand for. 

It makes me very uncomfortable the way they talk about women and the way they disrespect each other. He's fine with the disrespect because that's just how they interact but i have a hard time accepting it this way.

I know I can't ask that he gives up his friends and the only solution I can think of is to minimize contact moving forward. That doesn't seem ideal because I'm worried he may start to resent me not being there with him. I also worry about him being with them because they can be a bad influence; they drink a lot, will drive even if they're drunk, hang out in shady places and have no qualms about cheating. 

Is simply choosing not to hang out with him and them a practical solution? How do I rationalize that this is his means of unwinding and not judge him by his choice of friends?


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Hello there, I can relate to your dilemma. My first serious relationship, sad to say, ended because of his friends. They were lying, immoral, manipulative and malicious. He chose them over me. The things his friends did to me were some of the cruelest things ever done to me. I get what you say when you know it's an outlet for him to relax and hangout with his buddies, but please be vigilant. Be open and communicate with him about your feelings towards them in a friendly manner. Talk. Don't bash them to your partner. If you feel these friends are influencing your partner to step outside your relationship boundaries, speak up. In the end all you can do is be honest and open, and trust that your partner will do the right thing, and choose to respect you over the influence of his friends. If he doesn't , well, you will know what kind of man he really is, and you will have to ask yourself that hard question... is he good for me? UNfortunately for me my ex chose his friends, but I was way better off without him, despite my feeble attempts to coerce him back because we were "meant to be". My husband now has shed all his friends that were not so great, which is good, but does a few new ones that I'm Leary about, especially with our problems we are facing right now, I know he is talking to them about our situation. Hopefully they are a positive influence on him. Good luck!


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

What makes you think he's any different than his friends?

Have you ever heard that old saying; birds of a feather, flock together?

Maybe this is your wake up call to see him for who he really is????


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep, people choose their friends and usually they are of same ilk. I have never had a serious relationship with a man that had low quality friends and I never would.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MrsHolland said:


> *You can tell a lot about a person by the friends they keep, people choose their friends and usually they are of same ilk. *I have never had a serious relationship with a man that had low quality friends and I never would.


So true.

In Spanish there is a saying, "Tell me who your friends are, and I will tell you who you are."


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

OP, why do you think judging him by his choice of friends is a bad idea? Don't you think that is useful info?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

I knew my partner for 5 years before I finally got a chance to meet his friends. These friends are from his country and I only just moved here. When we were at undergrad together, the guys he hung out with were very different, no conflicts there.

I understand all the common sayings about friends and these are principles I've lived by. According to him I'm a lot more militant about my choice of friends. And this is true, I've had no issues giving up people around me who I feel add nothing of value to my life and have principles that differ strongly for mine. I made the conscious decision to be this way because I grew up in the ghetto and I lived in a dysfunctional family. I didn't want to be around people with low morals, no ambition etc etc.

They have known each other since grade school. Their families are very much integrated. The mothers are considered aunties, very much like family. When he's not in the country, his friends are the ones checking up on his mom every so often to make sure she's ok. So keep in mind these are people he's grown up with and they're a close knit bunch.

There is a serious conflict between the person my partner is and the people his friends are. I have strong doubts that he would choose to be around them if he had met them today as opposed to 15 years ago. They went from rebellious boys to rebellious men but my partner has left his rebellious boyhood behind as is a much more responsible person today. He's clearly the odd one out among them; he's a family Guy, they're​ still concerned with sleeping with as many women as possible; he's soon heading off to do his master's while only one of them has managed to complete his undergrad and has no interest in furthering himself; he has high standards for women, his friends will have sex with anything that moves but they will never bring these women over to my partners house because he's expressed his disgust at their choice of women; he's always put us first by choosing to spend time Skyping etc with me during the 5 years of long distance as opposed to spending time with his friends, even when I insisted otherwise because I didn't think it was healthy for him to not go out, do other stuff etc, this is something they still tease him about to this day. 

@jld, @commonsenseisn't, so these experiences, the deep conversations I have with him, the goals and dreams he's shared, the kind of partner he makes an effort to be on a daily basis, the way his thinking and approach to our relationship has I changed since I've moved here, these things and more have proven to me that he's very different from them and is not a follower.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

naturepeacelove said:


> Hello there, I can relate to your dilemma. My first serious relationship, sad to say, ended because of his friends. They were lying, immoral, manipulative and malicious. He chose them over me. The things his friends did to me were some of the cruelest things ever done to me. I get what you say when you know it's an outlet for him to relax and hangout with his buddies, but please be vigilant. Be open and communicate with him about your feelings towards them in a friendly manner. Talk. Don't bash them to your partner. If you feel these friends are influencing your partner to step outside your relationship boundaries, speak up. In the end all you can do is be honest and open, and trust that your partner will do the right thing, and choose to respect you over the influence of his friends. If he doesn't , well, you will know what kind of man he really is, and you will have to ask yourself that hard question... is he good for me? UNfortunately for me my ex chose his friends, but I was way better off without him, despite my feeble attempts to coerce him back because we were "meant to be". My husband now has shed all his friends that were not so great, which is good, but does a few new ones that I'm Leary about, especially with our problems we are facing right now, I know he is talking to them about our situation. Hopefully they are a positive influence on him. Good luck!


Unfortunately I've already done exactly what you've advised not to, I've already bashed them. On 2 separate occasions. I have such a hard time hiding my true feelings about them. The last time he got extremely defensive and upset, understandably. He tried to compare my friends to his to illustrate my bias but that didn't help me because there's really no comparison. 

I just wish I could be as nonchalant about it as he. I would like to be honest with him and most importantly myself when I figure out how best to manage it.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If he's changed, and no longer like his friends, then it's time for him to get a new set of friends. 

It's only a matter of time before he gets arrested because one of them gets pulled over driving drunk. Then your relationship will be affected a heck of a lot more. 

There's a time for childish antics and then it's time to grow up and find male friends of character. Your husband is past this point.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Satya said:


> If he's changed, and no longer like his friends, then it's time for him to get a new set of friends.
> 
> It's only a matter of time before he gets arrested because one of them gets pulled over driving drunk. Then your relationship will be affected a heck of a lot more.
> 
> There's a time for childish antics and then it's time to grow up and find male friends of character. Your husband is past this point.


I so wish 'get a new set of friends' were the practical solution right now. It's just not that simple to implement.


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## naturepeacelove (Mar 20, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> naturepeacelove said:
> 
> 
> > Hello there, I can relate to your dilemma. My first serious relationship, sad to say, ended because of his friends. They were lying, immoral, manipulative and malicious. He chose them over me. The things his friends did to me were some of the cruelest things ever done to me. I get what you say when you know it's an outlet for him to relax and hangout with his buddies, but please be vigilant. Be open and communicate with him about your feelings towards them in a friendly manner. Talk. Don't bash them to your partner. If you feel these friends are influencing your partner to step outside your relationship boundaries, speak up. In the end all you can do is be honest and open, and trust that your partner will do the right thing, and choose to respect you over the influence of his friends. If he doesn't , well, you will know what kind of man he really is, and you will have to ask yourself that hard question... is he good for me? UNfortunately for me my ex chose his friends, but I was way better off without him, despite my feeble attempts to coerce him back because we were "meant to be". My husband now has shed all his friends that were not so great, which is good, but does a few new ones that I'm Leary about, especially with our problems we are facing right now, I know he is talking to them about our situation. Hopefully they are a positive influence on him. Good luck!
> ...


I think, for the most part anyway, women tend to look for friends that will support them in a positive way. I am very selective with who I hang out with, I tend to stay guarded as I want only positive and supportive people in my life. Unfortunately, and I only speak for myself, I don't see that in men. My husband (whom we are facing a possible divorce as we speak, hoping to stop that) has friends who aren't as moral and upstanding as they should be. It stinks because I want us to be surrounded by people who will support our marriage and not encourage him to stray away. I usually have trouble with this because I am a bit more strict on marriage boundaries than most people. I don't encourage porn, strip clubs, swinging, anything of that nature, but he seems to hang out with people that are into all that stuff, and it makes me feel like I have to work harder to keep him on track with the boundaries we set up before marriage, that BOTH of us agreed upon. 

Caution: he will think that you are trying to tear him away from his friends. Do you have friends that are couples that you would want the two of you to hang out with?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> I so wish 'get a new set of friends' were the practical solution right now. It's just not that simple to implement.


He has to want it Keke24... why do you think he doesn't see their suffering, or better yet, want to partake in it?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> He has to want it Keke24... why do you think he doesn't see their suffering, or better yet, want to partake in it?


Do you mean why he's no longer like them? Because he's a lot more self-critical, mature and open minded. His best friend shared that he's always been the more responsible one. His primary defense for maintaining these friendships is that he feels it's his responsibility to set the example for them and continue to motivate them.

Although the decision appears very simple from his perspective, it's a big challenge for me that's causing a lot of inner conflict. I feel like I have to choose whether I love him enough to accept his friends or whether the changes I've made in my life because of the type of lifestyle/future I want are more important.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> Do you mean why he's no longer like them? Because he's a lot more self-critical, mature and open minded. His best friend shared that he's always been the more responsible one. His primary defense for maintaining these friendships is that he feels it's his responsibility to set the example for them and continue to motivate them.
> 
> Although the decision appears very simple from his perspective, it's a big challenge for me that's causing a lot of inner conflict. I feel like I have to choose whether I love him enough to accept his friends or whether the changes I've made in my life because of the type of lifestyle/future I want are more important.


Ah, I see... but that's just it, your cannot hold an AA meeting in a bar, it has to begin as a disassociated event away from the things that do harm to the participants. After awhile, it's back to "one little sample" won't hurt and then the fall begins all over again. 

Let me clearly state this is analogy, but the premise of surrounding yourself with negative situations ride the same thought... if he wants to maintain these friendships they need to be in an environment that does not promote unmindful behaviors like hard drinking, womanizing while married, disrespecting others because eventually he will eventually sound like them again... he has to to fit in and maintain such friendships and to think he can just turn it on and off on demand is not possible... our friends do influence us or else we couldn't fit in and in the end, represent us.

Many years ago, we were part of 5-6 couples who gathers for parties and group activities... they were a hard-charging group who liked to live life in excess in many ways. As these excesses began to take it's toll on relationships, my wife said she was done with these friends of mine and I tried to balance the activities but she flat out said no more. It wasn't until I walked away from the inside circle of their pain and suffering could I see just how damaging this train-ride was, and indeed it turned into a train-wreck for every couple in the end... even through the struggles EB2 and I have shared, we are the only couple still married. That wouldn't be true if I had stayed an unmindful and a willing participant.

It is not as simple as he thinks and people are who they are, we have to take the the time to understand and accept that growing apart is natural with people that no longer positively affect our life. Sometimes it's friends, sometimes is family, but letting go is critical so our growth isn't hindered and at times we think holding on to old friendships is a sign of strength when letting go is the hidden one.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Ah, I see... but that's just it, your cannot hold an AA meeting in a bar, it has to begin as a disassociated event away from the things that do harm to the participants. After awhile, it's back to "one little sample" won't hurt and then the fall begins all over again.
> 
> Let me clearly state this is analogy, but the premise of surrounding yourself with negative situations ride the same thought... if he wants to maintain these friendships they need to be in an environment that does not promote unmindful behaviors like hard drinking, womanizing while married, disrespecting others because eventually he will eventually sound like them again... he has to to fit in and maintain such friendships and to think he can just turn it on and off on demand is not possible... our friends do influence us or else we couldn't fit in and in the end, represent us.
> 
> ...


Sighs. If only I could get him to understand this which seems so obvious to everyone else. I've tried to explain it in different ways to appeal to him but he just tries to justify and downplay their behavior. I can't hear anymore from him, it's only making it harder for me to come to terms with it. 

I see no other option but to simply avoid them at all costs. Considering I've bashed them, he's not comfortable with me being with them anyway. Whatever potential resentments that result will have to be dealt with down the road.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

naturepeacelove said:


> Caution: he will think that you are trying to tear him away from his friends. Do you have friends that are couples that you would want the two of you to hang out with?


I do have a few friends and couples that he's met that we've had a blast with. Since I recently moved to his country, I haven't carved out my niche as yet. I'm eager to do so, so I can provide him with some alternative options.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> I don't like the kind of male friends my partner hangs with and I'm having a hard time separating him from his friends/what they stand for.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How do you know that? (About cheating). Guys sometimes brag about crap (infamous locker room talk), but doesn't mean they would act any of it out.

Otherwise difficult to know what to recommend...How's you own friends situation? Do you have a chance to hang out with your friends? That may minimise contact with his friends. 
I find it difficult to relate because we have so little free time when kids don't need attention so that any little time we get, we spend with each other. Or Other family friends (who also have families). I do have some guy friends and usually do sports stuff with them and my wife is not around. She has her 'mum' friends she occasionally meets up with.
You probably need to nourish your own circle of friends? I dunno.





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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

I read a bit further on the thread....I think one of two things will happen: if he really moved on (from where his friends are now), then he will realise it and find a way to distance himself from them and get new friends. If that's not the case, then the others are right: perhaps they have more in common than it's comfortable to admit. 
No matter which way, it'll probably be a slow process. I presume you guys studied together somewhere else while his childhood friends were left behind in his country so he 'grew out' of them but they remained the same? (Jut guessing here). Then he comes back and tries to re-connect with them. That's where things might fall into place. But it'll take time. I wouldn't rush it too much nor push it. You might be in danger of appearing controlling.
Obviously I don't know how bad his friends are so I'm just going purely by what you have written...


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> How do you know that? (About cheating). Guys sometimes brag about crap (infamous locker room talk), but doesn't mean they would act any of it out.
> 
> Otherwise difficult to know what to recommend...How's you own friends situation? Do you have a chance to hang out with your friends? That may minimise contact with his friends.
> I find it difficult to relate because we have so little free time when kids don't need attention so that any little time we get, we spend with each other. Or Other family friends (who also have families). I do have some guy friends and usually do sports stuff with them and my wife is not around. She has her 'mum' friends she occasionally meets up with.
> ...


 @inmyprime, thanks for chiming in. I'm always grateful for your varied perspective. 

My partner shared the info regarding the cheating because he was disappointed that his best friend got another woman pregnant while his gf was busy coping with their preemie. And he asked him not to bring the 3rd woman who was in the mix over to our house after his best-friend admitted that the woman allows him to have sex with her while her baby is in the room. I've been out with the group and noticed when they laugh about women that one dated and helped the other to have sex with afterwards. 

You touched on a good point however, I do need to nourish my own circle as right now it's restricted to my colleagues from work and if I'm lucky, an old friend travelling to see me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Hmm, perhaps his ability to influence good decisions is not as strong as he believes... sometimes our best influence is our absence.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

inmyprime said:


> I read a bit further on the thread... I think one of two things will happen: if he really moved on (from where his friends are now), then he will realise it and find a way to distance himself from them and get new friends.
> If that's not the case, then the others are right: perhaps they have more in common than it's comfortable to admit.
> 
> *Despite how much he's defended them and tried to justify the things they do/think, I have a strong suspicion that he does recognize the underlying disconnect but he doesn't want to admit it to himself, and most definitely, not to me. *
> ...


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## allez (May 26, 2015)

Let him choose his own friends, if he feels like he no longer has anything in common with them, then he'll choose himself to stop socialising with them, his choice. I doubt he will though, unless you force him to, which he will resent you for. 

I've had the same group of friends since I was in primary school, been my best friends for 20odd years. They're like brothers to me. We've all changed loads since we were kids, and some of the things my friends do, my wife doesn't like, and some of the things I do/have done, my friends wives/partners don't like. 

You don't have to love his friends, you don't even have to like them. Just trust him to be the person you think he is. If you don't trust him, then that's a problem for you and him, not his friends that are the problem, in my opinion.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

allez said:


> Let him choose his own friends, if he feels like he no longer has anything in common with them, then he'll choose himself to stop socialising with them, his choice. I doubt he will though, unless you force him to, which he will resent you for.
> 
> I've had the same group of friends since I was in primary school, been my best friends for 20odd years. They're like brothers to me. We've all changed loads since we were kids, and some of the things my friends do, my wife doesn't like, and some of the things I do/have done, my friends wives/partners don't like.
> 
> *You don't have to love his friends, you don't even have to like them. Just trust him to be the person you think he is. If you don't trust him, then that's a problem for you and him, not his friends that are the problem, in my opinion.*



That is an interesting point you make, thank you for that. I was hoping to hear the male perspective as I felt I couldn't be the first woman who's felt this way towards her partner's friends. The difficulty in separating the person he's proven to me to be, from the kind of people his friends are, that has been my biggest challenge in all of this. 

Hitherto he hasn't given me any reason not to trust him and he's proven that he's not interested in copying their actions. Until/unless he does otherwise, I have to respect his choices.

Thanks again.


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