# Impact of sexual assaults later in life and marriage



## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

In keeping with the spirit of this being the general discussion area I am more interested in thoughts on the impacts of sexual assault and relationships. This will be kind of hard to write but since I am worried about my marriage (see my other post) I am strongly wondering about what impacts an ancient problem might be impacting me even still today.

Being a semi-tough male this story has never been told. And if I wasn't in a panic over my marriage it probably would never come out. I am currently 50 and was gang raped when I was 16. The emotions about this are still overwhelming for me. If I think about it time will stand still and I lose it. Long story short I was knocked unconcious and was raped by at least 3 men/boys. Being that this was 1976 and the nature of the crime I never reported it.

Looking back I've always patted myself on the back for how I handled it. Currently, I am trying to come to grasp if this has had an impact on my relationships. I'm not looking for blame or for excuses but I possess certain traits that are poisonous to my marriage and I wonder about the source of those. 

I've always been a bit needy in my relationships. Hopefully not annoying and normally I've kept those need failures quiet. But I will admit to being the type of person who needs reassurance - if I don't get it I do end up being hurt quite a bit. I've never discussed the incident with my wife. Does keeping something like this a secret have benefit or could it cause problems. I will have to admit that I don't lie to my wife but I am bad about omitting details to avoid fights or problems. Ultimately I know this leads to communications in my marriage. I do tend to suffer from a lack of confidence as well. I sometimes think I would be a good example of a self-sabotager. I do have issues with authority on occasion. I'm a great example of someone wants me to do A I go out of my way to do B. In the bedroom area I do struggle sometimes with feeling very dirty about sex. Over the years I have had few issues - sometimes certain phrases connect me back to that time. I have had about 4 occurences with non-performance and each one of those I can relate to a trigger that made me remember the crime. THere may be a few other things from a bedroom perspective but I won't delve into that in this discussion area. Maybe it's a stretch to connect these things back to the rape but I just don't know. 

But as I said, I am very very worried about my marriage and while I will always look at myself I am wondering about what impacts something like this can have on a person emotionally and after so many years. I know I have extreme reactions to my memories on this but can it also impede emotionally? I hate to bring up such a bad subject but I think I need help and I don't know where to go....


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Well what kind of help do you think you need? Rape is rape, assault and battery are assault and battery. You need to seek out whatever kind of help you can that help you deal with being the victim of a violent sexual crime. Which is quite different than being the victim of long term familial sexual abuse. Two completely different things. It's fashionable to call such things "PTSD" but that's more or less what it is. 

One problem that jumps off the page is SHAME. Your reactions aren't extreme in any way but you think they are. That's shame.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First, I am sorry to hear about what happened to you. That is devastating and you were totally violated. 

My advice is to get some therapy for yourself if you haven't before. So you can get this off your chest with a third/objective party who has no ties to your real life. It may be very beneficial for you.

It's entirely your decision whether to tell the wife or not what happened to you.

Victims of sex. assault often feel ashamed about what happened to them but they are not in the wrong and have nothing to be ashamed of. This was done to them, they didn't okay it. 

Some psychologists say that this will have long-lasting effects on some victims and not so on others. But one things remains: you were violated against your will. Please don't be ashamed about what happened. It was NOT your fault.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Up until recently I would have denied needing any help. I may be grasping for straws but my current problems have me thinking and searching. On top of that I think about that night more than usual and it's almost debilitating. Writing that first post took over an hour and came so close to not getting finished. What kind of help do I think I need? I have no idea. I've never had therapy of any kind. Sorry for being lame. My current situation and thinking about this is making it hard for me to feel normal right now. That's all I want. I'm very afraid that bringing this up with a therapist could be so painful and embarassing. I can tell you right now I feel a lot less of a man and a person just from earlier this morning. WTF. I'm going to go home today and either be a whiny ass or a ******* ass. I can just see it coming. I don't have to be the greatest dad, the greatest husband, lover, worker, or friend. I JUST WANT NORMAL. Maybe I just need to man up and quit whining.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Hmm, you need a counselor who works with male victims of sexual violence. It's not all that rare. I maintain there's a difference between long term sexual abuse by relatives, which hovers around one in six boys, and, victims of violent sexual assault and rape, which may only happen one time to the victim as opposed to long periods of sexual abuse. One isn't worse than the other but they are different and should be addresses differently. Victims of abuse at the hands of a relative have an entirely different world to deal with including their feelings toward other family members who didn't know, claimed to not know or didn't do anything to stop it. Victims of violent rape, gang rape, sexual violence, torture and sadism, penetration by objects and use of weapons have a different suite of emotions to work out. 

I would look on line for networks of sexual violence survivors to see if any of them list counselor referrals. After that shop a few around until you find one you can work with. I would think you're going to have to tell your wife at some point.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You're not lame. You are just going through you feelings. Very normal. 

You shouldn't feel less of as a man because of the fact something awful was done to you. 

And yes, "manning up" is always a good thing, regardless of the circumstances.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Question. Do you have a child who is 16? I am trying to figure out why you are being so triggered right now.

Therapy will be painful. But you appear in a lot of pain as it is. Perhaps just understanding that normal is what you are given your experience would be enough. It may not require great detail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

Thanks everyone. My son is 17 and my daughter is 18. The recent trigger lately has been due to soul searching. We are having moderate to major problems in our marriage and I've been looking hard at what I do. There are things that just are simply stupid. And I am really looking at them at them and trying to figure out what makes me do them. Eventually, I started thinking about my situation and trying to connect incident A to stupid action B. And once I start it can tend to be down hill from there - I just simply think about it more often. Simply writing this is doing that. We lost about 3 or 4 months of intimacy because I made a connection to something she said during sex to something one of the attackers said. That was going 60 to 0. And that non performance bothered her and needless to say it was in my head for a while and affected me for a while. 

So, while owning up to my actions isn't difficult I just really want to understand them and the triggers. Not just simply manage the effects but work on the cause. So anyway, thinking about things in these terms has brought me back to that night on a regular basis. 

Anyway, thanks again. Sexual violence counselors with experience with males and sexual violence in my part of Indiana seems to be short. I'm not that far from Indianapolis so perhaps I can find something not so distant....


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

And once you are settled with someone you like and trust, invite your wife in. A lot will become clear to her then.

She will want to know why you didn't trust her enough to share though. On the surface she will get it but a few layers down she will question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thesolsurvivor (Jul 14, 2011)

ViperStorm said:


> In keeping with the spirit of this being the general discussion area I am more interested in thoughts on the impacts of sexual assault and relationships. This will be kind of hard to write but since I am worried about my marriage (see my other post) I am strongly wondering about what impacts an ancient problem might be impacting me even still today.
> 
> Being a semi-tough male this story has never been told. And if I wasn't in a panic over my marriage it probably would never come out. I am currently 50 and was gang raped when I was 16. The emotions about this are still overwhelming for me. If I think about it time will stand still and I lose it. Long story short I was knocked unconcious and was raped by at least 3 men/boys. Being that this was 1976 and the nature of the crime I never reported it.
> 
> ...


well its good you made it to the point where you can write it or some of it out....thats a lot of progress...... my sexual abuse cost me a relationship with a really good woman...we met in college.... & didnt start dating till 3 yrs later.... that went on for almost 10 yrs.... in the beginning i was cool... then the closer we got the worse i got.... had trouble with commitment ( fear... dunno why... but...) i would tell people she was my gf but i would tell her she wasnt.... crazy.... but she loved my dirty draws.... & i tested her to the max... imagine red lining a Porsche for 100 miles... she had no idea i was starting to experience flash backs.... then.. the am i gay ****.... the major thing with that ......... i had to act it out to figure it out..... my molesters never penetrated me.... so i dont know what thats like or what that does to you... so... thats a whole other level...... but they always preformed oral sex on me..... so it took me quite a while to wrap my mind around how it felt good ..but i didnt like it & that i didnt like men nor was / am i attracted to them.....so i had sex with as many women out side of my relationship as i possibly could... & it was super easy for me working as a professional in the beauty industry. i'd wake up next to women & not remember their names.... & we did everything my gf & i didnt do.... it was almost likne the sex that i had with these women was my way of working out my issues... & i really didnt see how i could poison my gf with that kind of negative energy.. it might sound lame to some but i felt like i was really saving her from the dark side of me... a side that i couldnt stand her to see.... it was easy for me to do what ever with the random women cause i never cared about them.... & for every last one of them.. they absolutely had to be good @ oral sex.... my gf wasnt good @ then & i wasnt really interested in teaching her anything + she wasnt as sexually aggressive as i was or as aggressive as the women that i was cheating on her with...... there were a few times... i had full blown relationships with other women while with her..... @ least 8 or 9 that i can think of right now....some kne about her .. some didnt....im sure she knew... maybe not the amount of women... but she had to know.....& she still stayed with me... it was never in her face... & she would be hard pressed to be able to catch me or prove anything.... i was that good & that good of a lair! we eventually broke up & it was ugly... she just broke down crying in obvious pain....by this time she knew about my abuse .. but i never knew how or what kind of impact this had on her cause we never spoke about it after i told her... which really pissed me off & cheat more we almost got married.... we both did the meet the parents movie 1 & 2 thing...i was no where near ready to get married... she already owned a home... good job finished school... i was almost finished school with a good job... but i was beginning to sort out all of the memories & feelings related to my sexual abuse...i couldnt control it if i wanted to...& in the process i wore her out!!! she loved me more than i loved myself. her love over flowed so damn much that it was enough for me to be able to love myself just enough....if it wasnt for her i would have had none... & there's no telling who or what kind of man i would be today with out her being in my life. for a while i was very angry with her for our break up but i already knew why she left... my infidelity, selfishness, emotional unavailability, lack of trustworthiness, & dishonesty took its tole..... all cause i had to see how far i could go... & if i could really trust her ..... to find how much she could love some one like me...some one with all of these things / thoughts floating around in his head about his sexuality, whats normal & not normal, crazy feelings about gay people.. men in particular.... the only thing that has enabled us to remain friends.... is the fact that we were really friends long before we started dating & a person can only take so much....at different points in time ive tried my best to explain as much as i could about how & why i might have done some of the things that ive done & behaved the way that i have...ive also apologized to her & quite a few women that i hurt..... & it felt good. i try hard not to blame ALL of my actions on my abuse .... but for a large block of time that we were together was the time in my life that i could no longer run from the pain & all the stuff that came with it...we've known each other for 20 yrs now.... & we have no kids together & were not together nor does it look like we will ever be again.... but i wish we could.... the sooner you take the time to tell your lady the better you will feel.... i know the "what if" monster & the " macho" man monsters are huge ... but they aren't real.... they want you to keep quiet. don't be like me & wait till its too late to explain all the stuff you do / think & why ... she just might be able to understand more than you give her credit for....but again my situation is very very different from yours..... i would feel equally reluctant to tell my lady.... but that fear is poison & if someone isn't being told what's going on with you... the only thing that they could do is guess / assume... like i said we're still friend...we still talk, but me seeing her isn't a good idea...she feels safe & comfortable... & we haven't been together in almost 7 yrs.... maybe longer. whatever happened to you wasn't your fault


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