# How sex destroyed my marriage



## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

Short background. Male - 32. My wife of 2.5 years (7 years in total) recently told me that she wanted to separate. We're still working out the financial logistics over how who'll be staying at the house and paying the mortgage, etc. We don't have any kids so there's one hurdle we don't have to worry about.

I'm thankful to have stumbled onto this website. Reading the stories of others and being able to post my own experiences has really helped me go through a self introspective period to try to come to grips with what's happened to my relationship.

Without sounding petty or shallow, I truly believe our poor sex life was at the crux of this separation. I've always known my wife had a low sex drive and was rather conservative in matters of the bedroom, but I'm the exact opposite. I enjoy having sex regularly (3-4 times a week) and like to experiment with different sexual scenarios. 

A year or so before we finally married, I noticed our sexual relationship had started to deteriorate. We went from having sex maybe once a week to once every 2-3 weeks. The lack of frequency in of itself wasn't as bad as the fact that I was always the one to have to initiate these encounters, and that it almost always felt like I was asking her to do the laundry. Just some chore that needed to be done.

Every single time we had sex under these circumstances, I always felt emotionally hurt; but my physical desire to make love to my wife overpowered the feeling I knew I'd have afterwards. It was like taking a bad drug - in the end you knew there was a price to pay but the immediate satisfaction you got from taking it overruled your better judgement.

At different times during the marriage I would tell her that the lack of desire she shows for me is hurtful and is damaging to my psyche. She's told me that she just has an issue being outwardly sexual but she would try to be more forward with me. She also mentioned that I wasn't helping the situation with my lack of outward affection with her on a regular basis. 

Things never really changed on her end so eventually I stopped trying to improve things on my end. The hurtfulness of not feeling wanted and desired by the one I love eventually became too much to bear. Each passing day the hurt and despair of not feeling wanted drove me further away, which in turn drove her further away. 

It got to the point where we became compatible roommates, splitting the costs of living. We weren't sleeping in the same room, we barely spoke to each other. We ate different meals at different times. It was a mess. Now it's to the point where she feels the marriage is beyond repair. Part of me understands and agrees, but the other part of me is devastated and numb.

I still love her and will probably always love her, and I do want her to be happy. Maybe it's my fault for not articulating my pain clearly enough, although I don't know if it would have changed anything. Maybe after I move out I'll write her to explain things in more detail. I don't expect to reconcile with her, but at least my conscience will be cleared...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

You are a month or so ahead of me, my marriage is spiraling down the drain. Pretty much the same scenario as yours. 

I started on TAM several years ago, learned a lot, a whole lot about the marital relationship, about some of my failings, about manning up.

Tried most of them. Really put a strong effort into it, gave it time to develop, sometimes saw a glimmer of hope or slight improvement. Then it hit me that my wife wasn't researching on her end, she wasn't trying to learn how to improve. She was status quo.

I now want out. I want to find a woman to be happy with


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry about the demise of your marriage, and for the pain you must be feeling right now.

I think the take home messages from you post are:
1. It ain't gonna fix itself! 
2. A woman's arousal doesn't work like a mans.
3. There is no such thing as communicating too much.

Best of luck to you.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think your post should be the how lack of intimacy destroyed your marriage. I don't think you should feel guilty...your a man who wanted more from her, doesn't mean she's a bad person but your drives don't match.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

If you read my story you will know that a woman will not respond to a man if she does not feel appreciated and loved and wanted for HERSELF and not just for what she can do in the bedroom. If you only ever approached your wife lovingly to get sex, she likely felt that you were using her for sex. She asked you to be more openly affectionate. Either you weren't, you weren't the right kind of affectionate (not her love language) or she lied. Like Anon said, women do not get aroused like men. We work on an entirely different set of principals and most men don't know this.
Articulating your pain would likely not have made any difference. She did not want to hear how much you wanted to get laid. She needs to know about how much you want to BE with her. Unfortunately, many women will not believe this when it comes from the mouth of their spouse. I had to read it here and other places before I would believe what my DH was telling me. When a man has begged and pleaded for sex for so long, anything he says about it becomes tainted with his play for a piece of a$$. 

I do hope you two can find a way to surmount this obstacle. It does seem to be a very common one.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Here's the thing, this is a very short marriage with no kids. You think you'll always love her, but in the grand story that will be your life, this will hardly be a footnote. A few years from now you'll wonder what you ever saw in her. It sounds like this is definitely for the best. Get out while the gettins good. Ignore the people on here telling you you were doing it wrong. Trust me, there is someone out there who will love you and want sex with you without you having to change anything about yourself.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> If you read my story you will know that a woman will not respond to a man if she does not feel appreciated and loved and wanted for HERSELF and not just for what she can do in the bedroom. If you only ever approached your wife lovingly to get sex, she likely felt that you were using her for sex. She asked you to be more openly affectionate. Either you weren't, you weren't the right kind of affectionate (not her love language) or she lied. Like Anon said, women do not get aroused like men. We work on an entirely different set of principals and most men don't know this.
> Articulating your pain would likely not have made any difference. She did not want to hear how much you wanted to get laid. She needs to know about how much you want to BE with her. Unfortunately, many women will not believe this when it comes from the mouth of their spouse. I had to read it here and other places before I would believe what my DH was telling me. When a man has begged and pleaded for sex for so long, anything he says about it becomes tainted with his play for a piece of a$$.
> 
> I do hope you two can find a way to surmount this obstacle. It does seem to be a very common one.


bull. I know many women who get arouse like men just look on this board.

she just wasn't interested in him. for whatever reason. and on top of that she didn't comunicate what her needs were. no can read minds.


I think in the long run he will be much happier with someone else.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Lonely, sorry to hear your marriage didn't work. But look at the bright side. Now you know what kind of woman you DON'T want to be with. Armed with this knowledge, you could find a woman whom are better suited to your personality. Good luck and have a nice weekend.


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> If you read my story you will know that a woman will not respond to a man if she does not feel appreciated and loved and wanted for HERSELF and not just for what she can do in the bedroom. If you only ever approached your wife lovingly to get sex, she likely felt that you were using her for sex. She asked you to be more openly affectionate. Either you weren't, you weren't the right kind of affectionate (not her love language) or she lied. Like Anon said, women do not get aroused like men. We work on an entirely different set of principals and most men don't know this.
> Articulating your pain would likely not have made any difference. She did not want to hear how much you wanted to get laid. She needs to know about how much you want to BE with her. Unfortunately, many women will not believe this when it comes from the mouth of their spouse. I had to read it here and other places before I would believe what my DH was telling me. When a man has begged and pleaded for sex for so long, anything he says about it becomes tainted with his play for a piece of a$$.
> 
> I do hope you two can find a way to surmount this obstacle. It does seem to be a very common one.


LotL - We had those types of conversations, and she expressed these sentiments regarding the female libido. My feelings go back from before these issues were being discussed. For the longest time I would always be giving her random hugs, kisses, just holding her and showing non sexual affection towards her. Showing outward affection is something I enjoyed doing. I guess as time passed and the idea of not being desired by my wife started to make me feel bitter and I stopped being openly affectionate with her outside of the bedroom. 

I'm not trying to say my wife was a prude ice queen or anything like that. It's just the feelings I had which looking back at how the relationship unfolded, I did a poor job of communicating to her. So I certainly take responsibility for that aspect of the failure. 

I guess I just wished we were more compatible and had a similar drive cause it felt that when our sex life was better, we were able to get through difficult situations in much better shape. Of course maybe that's all in my mind...


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

Let me ask you this: Is your wife on birth control? I know birth control isn't the ONLY cause of a LD wife, but I am almost certain in my case, it was. I went seven years in an affectionless marriage. It's sloooooowly starting to turn around. If your wife is on birth control, I would talk to her about getting off of it and trying that for a while.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

stevehowefan said:


> Let me ask you this: Is your wife on birth control? I know birth control isn't the ONLY cause of a LD wife, but I am almost certain in my case, it was. I went seven years in an affectionless marriage. It's sloooooowly starting to turn around. If your wife is on birth control, I would talk to her about getting off of it and trying that for a while.


And possibly add kids and more time and more complications to a marriage that isn't going to work? Seriously, what's so special about a woman who clearly isn't that into her husband that he should work so hard to force her to stay?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's not how much you wanted to BE with her. It's how do I make her want to be with me. There's only one way to do that...let nature take its course. Now you can boost natures effect and speed there of by being the man you were when you dated her. By that I mean assess your Alpha traits and be the man she used to know. Works every time.
Never beg for sex. Become a more desirable man to other women and she will want you more.

It's never to late to read "Married Man Sex Life Primer" you can turn her around


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I agree with Working on me......life is too short.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> bull. I know many women who get arouse like men just look on this board.
> 
> she just wasn't interested in him. for whatever reason. and on top of that she didn't comunicate what her needs were. no can read minds.
> 
> ...


I think this is a logical possibility too. :iagree:


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> And possibly add kids and more time and more complications to a marriage that isn't going to work? Seriously, what's so special about a woman who clearly isn't that into her husband that he should work so hard to force her to stay?


Because the possible reason for the lack of affection initially is birth control. That could cause the lack of affection, which in turn could cause coldness, which could be reversible if indeed it is the birth control. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt my wife's lack of affection towards me was because of Yaz. She's been off of it for five months now, and the difference is remarkable. She may not be into her husband because of birth control was my point. Just offering suggestions.


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

stevehowefan said:


> Let me ask you this: Is your wife on birth control? I know birth control isn't the ONLY cause of a LD wife, but I am almost certain in my case, it was. I went seven years in an affectionless marriage. It's sloooooowly starting to turn around. If your wife is on birth control, I would talk to her about getting off of it and trying that for a while.


Steve - yes she was on BC, but she'd been taking that almost from the start of our relationship. 

I think it just came down to compatibility. While I was courting her, I knew she wasn't a very sexually aggressive person. She's very delicate and sensitive, totally opposite of my personality. This translated into the bedroom and when I would sometimes try to be more aggressive with her, she would get turned off and shut down. 

Still I lived with not being totally satisfied sexually, but riding down that one-way street of initiating all of our sexual encounters eventually got the best of me.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You've got two paths here:

1. Accept it, move on, save yourself from protracted anxiety and bitterness. 

2. Buy into the idea that if you just somehow did something different - read the right book, were alpha enough, navigated her emotions in the right way, changed her birth control, blah, blah... that it would have a different result.

I'm the guy who choose the #2 path - and I'm more bitter and emotionally dead now than if'd just accepted it and moved on years ago. Move on man. You'll find another woman.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> And possibly add kids and more time and more complications to a marriage that isn't going to work? Seriously, what's so special about a woman who clearly isn't that into her husband that he should work so hard to force her to stay?


Hang on a second, WOM... it may be the hormone birth control he means, not all birth control. I know some women use IUD with no issues. Not something I ever had an interest in, but it's an option: still birth control, no hormonal side effects. IF that's the problem.

But, you guys know me... I would be one of those odd women that chillymorn mentioned.


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

seeking sanity said:


> You've got two paths here:
> 
> 1. Accept it, move on, save yourself from protracted anxiety and bitterness.
> 
> ...


Yup I am moving on now... The wife pretty much made that decision for me . This decision is still fresh and I'm just working on coming to grips with the change I'm about to go through. I definitely learned a lot from the mistakes I've made and will hopefully make a better decision the next time.

I just wanted to post in the hopes that if some other poor schmuck is going through the same problems they may be able to make a different choice before getting to the point of no return


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lonelyat32...You married her knowing she did not have a sex drive that matches yours. This was your mistake.

I am pointing this out so that when you are out there in the dating world again, you will not make the same mistake. You will have to own this mistake forever, so that it can never happen again.

Sexual compatibility or forget it!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

lonelyat32 said:


> Short background. Male - 32. My wife of 2.5 years (7 years in total) recently told me that she wanted to separate. We're still working out the financial logistics over how who'll be staying at the house and paying the mortgage, etc. We don't have any kids so there's one hurdle we don't have to worry about.
> 
> I'm thankful to have stumbled onto this website. Reading the stories of others and being able to post my own experiences has really helped me go through a self introspective period to try to come to grips with what's happened to my relationship.
> 
> ...



Scary thing is your situation sounds close to mine. Married 13+ years, wife has LD and only talks, reads, expects cuddling and attention but when i always initiate sex, she isn't in the mood, maybe later, again?, you just got it 3 days ago, etc...That in turn has killed my sex drive with her and no longer do I initiate sex but there also is no more cuddling among other things either. Door swings both ways, right? She needs emotional support, cuddling, talking, but has a LD and does nothing about it and I have a HD.

I think the root of your situation was her LD and doing nothing about it but still expecting you to initiate and give her more attention, while she rejects you?! Sounds like she has issues and you will be better finding another woman with a normal to high sex drive and none of the issues you are having will happen. Sex is the glue that holds us together. No sex and we are only friends and room mates and anyone who thinks otherwise is living in a fantasy world.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I think the root of your situation was her LD and doing nothing about it but still expecting you to initiate and give her more attention, while she rejects you."

I am sorry but, the root of his problem is that he knowingly married a woman whose sex drive did not match his own.

What did he expect? That she would "change"? Why would he think that she would?

Was she supposed to magically change into someone she was not after "I do"?

There's no mystery as to what happened here.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> She did not want to hear how much you wanted to get laid.


Re. "wanted to get laid":

My wife, at first, I am pretty sure saw it as if I just wanted to get laid. Which is a tragic error of miscommunication. 

"Laid" or "horny" or any such terms you might here in R rated raunchy films from my teenage years (Porkies, etc.) really seldomly have had much relevance to my brain, and certainly not at all in my relationship with my wife.

If my wife thought I just wanted to get laid, and that was somehow disappointing to her, I wish she realized it was only her - exactly her - that I hungered to be laid by.

I know there is something important here, but at this point, I know not what to do.

(Btw, LoLs, thanks for providing your perspective. I am trying to use it as a potential proxy for my wife's.)


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> bull. I know many women who get arouse like men just look on this board.
> 
> she just wasn't interested in him. for whatever reason. and on top of that she didn't comunicate what her needs were. no can read minds.
> 
> ...


I agree with you, there are women that will always take their husbands physical desire for them as a compliment and not feel like they are piece of meat. However, if your wife starts to think of herself as an object for your gratification it is tough to fix. I feel this way because when you first start dating someone everything is so primal that it really feels like its effortless to arouse each other. Its hard to retrain yourself to be more affectionate and appreciative when all you had to do before was just be in a room alone together. Plus if you try to change your efforts will likely be seen as phony because you have been told what to do.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

PieceOfSky said:


> Re. "wanted to get laid":
> 
> My wife, at first, I am pretty sure saw it as if I just wanted to get laid. Which is a tragic error of miscommunication.
> 
> ...


If she is anything at all like me, she sees you as just wanting sex. She feels you don't care if its with her, the woman next door, or a perfect stranger. Just a reasonably attractive body with a heartbeat. Women who think this way KNOW that all men are like this and want nothing more than sexual pleasure from a woman. They think only of themselves and their desires. They want to be desired and lusted over but never do anything worthy of being desirable. 

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do to change her mindset, if this is indeed how she feels. Anything you say or do will just appear to be game, you chasing tail. Perhaps if she were to talk to a woman who gets it, she would have a better chance of understanding.


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## DaddyLongShanks (Nov 6, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> You are a month or so ahead of me, my marriage is spiraling down the drain. Pretty much the same scenario as yours.
> 
> I started on TAM several years ago, learned a lot, a whole lot about the marital relationship, about some of my failings, about manning up.
> 
> ...


It's funny. You sound almost like "No more Mr Nice Guy" took heart, but it really was just common sense.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> If she is anything at all like me, she sees you as just wanting sex. She feels you don't care if its with her, the woman next door, or a perfect stranger. Just a reasonably attractive body with a heartbeat. Women who think this way KNOW that all men are like this and want nothing more than sexual pleasure from a woman. They think only of themselves and their desires. They want to be desired and lusted over but never do anything worthy of being desirable.


In our present situation, we have sex maybe once every three or four months. I cannot fathom how she would think my one or two initiation attempts in that time frame indicate that I'm "just wanting sex." But, I do believe that's what she thinks, and that she feels very disinclined/unwilling to provide it; she provides it just to make me go away for another quarter of a year.

And, I also have a hard time relating to how she could have thought of me as one of those guys that "want nothing more than sexual pleasure from a woman." I was a virgin when we met (me, 25 years old at the time); she knows I've been very selective, not only with my body but with my affection.

I got confused with this part of your post:

"They think only of themselves and their desires. They want to be desired and lusted over but never do anything worthy of being desirable."

Is this "they" the one's in my shoes or hers? I'm sure she sees me as not having been doing enough to "deserve" her affections (not just sex, it seems). And, sadly, I'm thinking I won't ever be able to "do enough". I *try* to see my flaws objectively, and I certainly have some, but she does too, and if anyone has put energy in to "deserving" a little affection in this relationship, I'm pretty sure I'm the one. Sigh.

Anyways, I saw a post from a (former?) LD spouse recently where she came to the realization it was she who had this view of sex being "just physical", and not bond-forming. (EDIT: Note I just fixed that last sentence or two -- I don't remember who it was that I had been reading, so I shouldn't mention names!) 

I came to a similar realization too -- in my entire life I have refused to buy into the notion of sex as a "cheap thrill", and it has always been quite the opposite experience of a "cheap thrill" for me. But, I'm convinced my wife feels that all it must be to me because that is all it ever was to her -- and worse: even if she intellectually can recognize it is something more touching than that for me, I think at this point she just doesn't care.

Sorry to ramble. I should move this to my own thread.:scratchhead:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

lonelyat32 said:


> Steve - yes she was on BC, but she'd been taking that almost from the start of our relationship.
> 
> I think it just came down to compatibility. While I was courting her, I knew she wasn't a very sexually aggressive person. She's very delicate and sensitive, totally opposite of my personality. This translated into the bedroom and when I would sometimes try to be more aggressive with her, she would get turned off and shut down.
> 
> Still I lived with not being totally satisfied sexually, but riding down that one-way street of initiating all of our sexual encounters eventually got the best of me.




It seems by this post this young man has some learning to do about attending to his wife’s sexual / emotional needs. They are not separate in this instance. He tries to be more aggressive with her and has a clear understanding of her sexual personality. He is metaphorically trying to put a square peg in a round hole.
It seems to me if he offered a more tender and kind lovemaking style she would have been more receptive. Instead it appears he just wanted to fvck her. So OK then Alpha/Beta up and learn the difference.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

just got it 55 said:


> It seems to me if he offered a more tender and kind lovemaking style she would have been more receptive.


That's a HUGE leap with really nothing to back it up.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> That's a HUGE leap with really nothing to back it up.


IMHO it takes a real man that really loves his woman learns how to please her 40 year relationship to back that up


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## Interlocutor (Dec 29, 2011)

Some women need to understand that, sometimes, while a man is doing everything possible to meet a woman's emotional needs, a woman might still not allow herself to become aroused. It might not have ANYTHING to do with what the OP didn't do... IN FACT, the OP gives me slight doormat-vibes from reading his posts, and I would venture that he probably showed her overwhelming salvos of affection, which she told him she needed, during his efforts prior to his disillusion.

Some women are just broken... You're NOT supposed to marry these.

To be more fair to the wife, someone already mentioned mismatched drives... Correct, then why would the OP marry someone with an opposite drive? With so many poor souls on here WHO DO marry someone with matching drives pre-marriage whose spouses change on them afterward, here the OP knew what she was like beforehand and STILL married her... Can't blame her here. That's the way she was.

And if this is what you love or what you fall in love with, it says more about you, OP, than it does about her... Maybe you felt at the time that you didn't deserve better, she was the first to do certain things for you, etc... Introspection, find out why you felt that was the best you could do at that time, despite her having a drive so incommensurate to yours.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Interlocutor said:


> Some women need to understand that, sometimes, while a man is doing everything possible to meet a woman's emotional needs, a woman might still not allow herself to become aroused. It might not have ANYTHING to do with what the OP didn't do... IN FACT, the OP gives me slight doormat-vibes from reading his posts, and I would venture that he probably showed her overwhelming salvos of affection, which she told him she needed, during his efforts prior to his disillusion.
> 
> Some women are just broken... You're NOT supposed to marry these.
> 
> ...



Point well made here. But in my way of thinking a man and a woman must communicate to the point of absolute clarity to achieve the end goal. Emotional & sexual fulfillment to perpetually consummate a marriage is necessary.

To your point the OP may have tried everything (he thinks ) possible but the fact is in this he may have come up short somehow. I am not sure about this whole HD LD concept other than the chemical aspects of it. The key is to be “IN TUNE “with your lover/life partner. And if he knows she is on the timid side sexually he must act accordingly. They have not been together all that long. They are both very young.

The true love aspect of this seems to me (and I do not imply otherwise).As they both grow evolve and mature in all ways the balance will find itself. So long as patience is the guide to ultimate happiness.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Just find a way to make a lot of money, do cool things, and lightly flirt with other women confidently. You'd be surprised how this changes things .

Actually, that was only partially a joke. Women are attracted to the whole package. The more she respects you and sees you as valuable to her, the easier it is for her to get arroused. When women begin to see their man as inferior to other men they come into contact with who are really going somewhere and have lots of motivation and passion, they frankly begin to loose interest in the guy they have. They start seeing him as a looser who begs for sex, rather than a passionate fighter who is going to win in life and take her with him into the adventure of a lifetime. 

I don't know what your situation is in life. Are you going somewhere financially? Are you and your wife planning life together and doing things to improve your situation together? Are you setting goals together and achieving them together? Or do both of you feel stuck? Nothing turns a woman off more than feeling like she is stuck in life and not moving forward into anything that is exciting. If her future looks boring and mediocre (or terrible), she is most likely going to get depressed. And if she is depressed, kiss sex goodbye.

I'm just trying to get you to look at the bigger picture and see if there might be other factors besides her just not being into sex.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: How sex destroyed my marriage*



just got it 55 said:


> IMHO it takes a real man that really loves his woman learns how to please her 40 year relationship to back that up


No ... it also takes a woman willing to drag her emotional sh!t out into the light of day and address it ... if she wants to keep her man.

This one doesn't want to take that step.
Which is fine. They both move on.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Deejo said:


> No ... it also takes a woman willing to drag her emotional sh!t out into the light of day and address it ... if she wants to keep her man.
> 
> This one doesn't want to take that step.
> Which is fine. They both move on.


Hard to disagree with But someone has to facilatate the change I see it as the stronger one that has do help make that happen


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

What were the other aspects of your relationship like? Did either of you feel like you settled without true passion for each other? Did your wife lack respect for you, and did you fail to enforce boundaries with her? It sounds to me like you may not have been compatible emotionally, and that was reflected in your sexual relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

just got it 55 said:


> Hard to disagree with But someone has to facilatate the change I see it as the stronger one that has do help make that happen


I get very confused in here sometimes. Are women to share equally in all aspects of a relationship or aren't they?


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> I get very confused in here sometimes. Are women to share equally in all aspects of a relationship or aren't they?


I would say that depends on the dynamics of the relationhip.Each shoud pull equal weight to thier capabilities. I hope this defines my position.


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

Interlocutor said:


> Some women need to understand that, sometimes, while a man is doing everything possible to meet a woman's emotional needs, a woman might still not allow herself to become aroused. It might not have ANYTHING to do with what the OP didn't do... IN FACT, the OP gives me slight doormat-vibes from reading his posts, and I would venture that he probably showed her overwhelming salvos of affection, which she told him she needed, during his efforts prior to his disillusion.
> 
> Some women are just broken... You're NOT supposed to marry these.
> 
> ...


Inter - you're right I knew what she was like before we married and I accepted it. I didn't know how it would have affected me years later. It just turns out it was much more difficult to accept as time went on.

I'm also not blaming her for the situation. I take responsibility for my decisions. I feel the guilt over letting our sexual incompatibility affect how I ended up treating her outside of the bedroom. At least I can say I tried to make it work; I just ended up falling short. 

The only thing I can say is thank God we didn't have children, and whenever I do get into a relationship again, I'll be certain to make sure we're compatible in that area.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> You are a month or so ahead of me, my marriage is spiraling down the drain. Pretty much the same scenario as yours.
> 
> I started on TAM several years ago, learned a lot, a whole lot about the marital relationship, about some of my failings, about manning up.
> 
> ...


This is my exact story in a nutshell. Came here about a year ago, got some advice and some hope for saving my marriage. Tried all the advice, kept a positive attitude and told myself it was going to work. A year later I have realized it is not going to work, it takes 2 people to solve relationship issues. When one party doesn't care, all the efforts in the world from the other party won't make a bit of difference.

To the OP, you deserve to be happy. I know it hurts but don't waste any more time, just move on.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

lonelyat32 said:


> I feel the guilt over letting our sexual incompatibility affect how I ended up treating her outside of the bedroom. At least I can say I tried to make it work; I just ended up falling short.


Stop blaming yourself. Feeling unwanted by your spouse is devastating and upsetting. Why should you fake affection the rest of the time?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> I get very confused in here sometimes. Are women to share equally in all aspects of a relationship or aren't they?


Love this post.


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## Jonathan35 (Feb 28, 2013)

Find out if a woman feels the way LadyoftheLake feels before you marry her. If she does feel that way, do not marry her. It's a selfish and female centered viewpoint that comes down to a ultimatum of do this my way or its the highway. The reasoning is an elaborate excuse that is extremely specious. You can't win in that scenario. Sounds like your marriage is over. Learn the grieving stages and get through them. Sounds like you might be stuck in one stage right now. Find out how to get out of it and move on. You'll find happiness again.


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## lonelyat32 (Apr 18, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who's offered up support. TAM has been an invaluable resource for me to start getting over this pain. I found a new place and I'm going to be out of house on the 10th. The wife will be staying here taking care of the place until it can be sold. I'm hoping the healing process can start for me once I'm on my own again. 

Buried deep down underneath all of the sadness is the light of hope and possibility. I plan on taking this time apart to focus on being me again.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

lonelyat32 said:


> Thanks to everyone who's offered up support. TAM has been an invaluable resource for me to start getting over this pain. I found a new place and I'm going to be out of house on the 10th. The wife will be staying here taking care of the place until it can be sold. I'm hoping the healing process can start for me once I'm on my own again.
> 
> Buried deep down underneath all of the sadness is the light of hope and possibility. I plan on taking this time apart to focus on being me again.


I hope you will be successful, and much luck to you in all of your future endeavors.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> bull. I know many women who get arouse like men just look on this board.
> 
> she just wasn't interested in him. for whatever reason. and on top of that she didn't comunicate what her needs were. no can read minds.
> 
> ...


She cannot tell him what she needs if she does not know. A lot of people, male and female, can tell you when they are not getting their needs met. But they cannot put into words what they need.

That's one reason that the book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good one. It helps people work through this and learn to express what they need. Books like the 5 Languages of Love are good as well because it helps people identify what says 'love' to them. For example gifts are not a love language for me. But spend time with me, talk to me, snuggle with me... that's love to me.

Yes he could get a divorce and try to find a woman who he clicks with. Or he could try reading some helpful books and going to MC and the two of them can explore what makes them click.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lonelyat32 said:


> LotL - We had those types of conversations, and she expressed these sentiments regarding the female libido. My feelings go back from before these issues were being discussed. For the longest time I would always be giving her random hugs, kisses, just holding her and showing non sexual affection towards her. Showing outward affection is something I enjoyed doing. I guess as time passed and the idea of not being desired by my wife started to make me feel bitter and I stopped being openly affectionate with her outside of the bedroom.
> 
> I'm not trying to say my wife was a prude ice queen or anything like that. It's just the feelings I had which looking back at how the relationship unfolded, I did a poor job of communicating to her. So I certainly take responsibility for that aspect of the failure.
> 
> I guess I just wished we were more compatible and had a similar drive cause it felt that when our sex life was better, we were able to get through difficult situations in much better shape. Of course maybe that's all in my mind...


In the months right before and during when you noticed that she was not responding to you in a way you wanted her to... how many hours a week were the two of you spending doing date-like things together? Just the two of you?


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Jonathan35 said:


> Find out if a woman feels the way LadyoftheLake feels before you marry her. If she does feel that way, do not marry her. It's a selfish and female centered viewpoint that comes down to a ultimatum of do this my way or its the highway. The reasoning is an elaborate excuse that is extremely specious. You can't win in that scenario. Sounds like your marriage is over. Learn the grieving stages and get through them. Sounds like you might be stuck in one stage right now. Find out how to get out of it and move on. You'll find happiness again.



My thoughts exactly, there are some woman just this cynical, they can be enticing, but so can the meat by the bear trap, stay away!


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> bull. I know many women who get arouse like men just look on this board.
> 
> she just wasn't interested in him. for whatever reason. and on top of that she didn't comunicate what her needs were. no can read minds.
> 
> I think in the long run he will be much happier with someone else.


Agree. Plus, one needs to consider that she married him knowing she really didn't want to be with him.

Something is up on her end. Better that they go their separate ways now.

OP: as far as the "nuts and bolts" of divorcing, I recommend the following (after seeing an actual lawyer, of course):

1) File for separation / divorce immediately.
2) If neither of you intends to keep the home, put it up for sale now. One thing I didn't like about my divorce settlement is that I paid the mortgage alone while working through the process, yet the law values the home at trial date (caveat: I live in CA and home values are improving).
3) Sign nothing and transfer no money other than splitting joint accounts in line with the laws of your state.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> I get very confused in here sometimes. Are women to share equally in all aspects of a relationship or aren't they?


Yes they are, to the best of their ability. For instance, your wife may not have the marketable skills you do and make less money, which is fine. But what's not fine is her kicking back while you work long hours, or not working to close that gap.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

CuddleBug said:


> Scary thing is your situation sounds close to mine. Married 13+ years, wife has LD and only talks, reads, expects cuddling and attention but when i always initiate sex, she isn't in the mood, maybe later, again?, you just got it 3 days ago, etc...That in turn has killed my sex drive with her and no longer do I initiate sex but there also is no more cuddling among other things either. Door swings both ways, right? She needs emotional support, cuddling, talking, but has a LD and does nothing about it and I have a HD.
> 
> I think the root of your situation was her LD and doing nothing about it but still expecting you to initiate and give her more attention, while she rejects you?! Sounds like she has issues and you will be better finding another woman with a normal to high sex drive and none of the issues you are having will happen. Sex is the glue that holds us together. No sex and we are only friends and room mates and anyone who thinks otherwise is living in a fantasy world.


Agree. Sounds like someone who just does not want sex (at least not with him). She wanted a companion and maybe someone to help out with a nice lifestyle for her. She had slowed the sex way down (reflecting the lack of physical attraction) and married him anyways; that's a huge problem.

Also, there is not much mentioned about finances. But I found it telling that he is moving immediately while she sticks around and gets herself together.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> She cannot tell him what she needs if she does not know. A lot of people, male and female, can tell you when they are not getting their needs met. But they cannot put into words what they need.
> 
> That's one reason that the book "His Needs, Her Needs" is a good one. It helps people work through this and learn to express what they need. Books like the 5 Languages of Love are good as well because it helps people identify what says 'love' to them. For example gifts are not a love language for me. But spend time with me, talk to me, snuggle with me... that's love to me.
> 
> Yes he could get a divorce and try to find a woman who he clicks with. Or he could try reading some helpful books and going to MC and the two of them can explore what makes them click.


??????? if she dosn't know what her needs are then shame on her. In my opinion someone who isn't in tune with themselves enough to know what the heck their needs are also dosn't have the capasidity to meet someone elses needs its and no win situation.


what I've learned is you can lead a horse to water but you can"t force them to drink! And as I age I am less and less tolatent of people who are so selfish that they expect people to meet their needs without any effort on reciprocation. and this is ALL relationships encluding family and friends.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Bullshjt! She did a bait and switch.

Unknowingly sure, but her "basic nature" when dating changed a little as they approached marriage, and completely thereafter!

The woman here want to blame the op and excuse the selfish wife.

You did nothing wrong op, it was a mistake to marry her, but its an easy one to make with a woman like that, you think the sex will continue, she was just into it because of the newness of the developing connection.

You did not have a crystal ball and it sure is not your fault for having blue balls now!

They dont come with an LD stamped on their forhead.

And yes next time you will know what to look for, and next time she will tell the next guy "expect the sex to slow down or all but stop, I'm really not into it", yeah thats going to happen.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Yeah you dont like the way I said it.
Sorry!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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