# Looking for Advice!



## Wayne2311 (Feb 13, 2012)

I have been married to my wife for 22 years next month and we are going through the hardest times ever in our marriage. We have 2 children together, one of them is in college now and the other is graduating HS next year. My wife as been a stay at home mom since my oldest was very young. She has always done a wonderful job taking care of the children, the house, the bills, doctors appointments, etc. I worked all the time but I still was very involved with the kids and always have helped with the household endeavors. The early years were very fun. We made just enough money to pay the bills and treat ourselves to some fun times. I would do side jobs on the weekends to help pay for the more elaborate vacations. 
As the children grew older and acquired their little personalities and attitudes, as everyone with teenage kids knows, my wife and I began to have some really difficult times. We struggled with the proper way to handle situations with the kids. I know it is very important that both parents need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline, but there were times when she was was very stern and argued with them for "as I saw it" little things. I am more laid back and wanted to brush it off as typical teen behavior. Like a lot of dads, I work all day and into the nights at times and the last thing I wanted to do was ground or discipline my kids when I get home. I am not sure why my wife's temper has become so short wicked but, I think it is associated with the fact that the kids are more independent and she wants so badly to be needed. Maybe it is hormonal... The arguments have become increasingly worse, sometimes including cursing at the kids. This has really upset the kids and they have mentioned to me how damaging it is. With this the kids and I have become more distant with her and she thinks we are teamed against her which is not the case. She does not want to admit that she is at fault...this is not a scoreboard...but the score is 0-50. I cannot recall the last time I heard her say she was wrong and sorry for the way she handled things. I think if she would listen and let her guard down, things would be a lot better. Maybe this is a time in her life where she needs more interaction with the real world in her daily life instead of sitting at home. This has been suggested but she has not done anything about it.
Aside from the issues with the kids, she and I hardly ever spend one on one time together such as date nights, meet for lunch, etc. They just are not that enjoyable and seem to end in an argument about something. I will admit that I am not the perfect husband at times. I live with a lot of stress from running our business and when I leave the office I want to have some down time in front of the TV when I get home. I am confused where to go next. She has brought up the possibility of trial separation to see where we both are. I would like to avoid this if at all possible because I do love her very much, but walking on egg shells and kissing ass is getting real old. We had a few sessions with counselors years ago and I went to counseling by myself a few years later. She was asked to go by herself to the same counselor. She did not think she was the problem and refused.

I am looking for some advice. I don't even no how to communicate with her anymore.

Wayne2311


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Has she been evaluated for depression? And suggesting a separation - why does she think that would help? What does she do outside the home - anything?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Yes she sounds depressed or maybe peri-menopausal (some women are dreadfully effected by this)
Mindyou none of those things excuse this bad behaviour but they may go a bit of a way to explaining them.

I once had a boyfirend who used to rant and rave and swear at me when he got mad...he would lose it!
I secretly videoed him once and he was shocked at how loud, nasty and full of hatred his voice was and he understood why I was scared/intimidated of him.
Maybe you could video her (without her knowing) and play it back to her once she is calm and not angry.
We often have this veiw of ourselves and sometimes seeing/hearing how other see you is a good kick up the bum!

Best of luck with this...not a nice way for your or your daughters to live.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Withmy second teen,life was hell. It is a long story, but I got on an anti deppresant and it changed my life. Suddenly I could deal with things again,instead of just "going off". It was a combination of depression and hormones. Today my oldest is 26 my youngest is 21 and we are all happy again. I will stay on the Meds the rest of my life if need be. I truly believe they,and Gods faithfulness,saved my marriage and kids. Try to talk to her, tell her my story, I will pm her, if it would help. Good luck...


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## Wayne2311 (Feb 13, 2012)

No, she has not been evaluated for depression but it does have a history in her family. I have thought about that as well, but I hesitate mentioning it to her because she has so little self esteem. She used to be very active with her friends during the day but here lately, with the economy the way it has been, all of her daytime girlfriends are working so she has been alone alot more often. She has also become more distant with some of the close friends because of "Drama" which rants around here. She lets stuff get to her, holds grudges and decides to pull back and quit talking with them. The truth about it all is, there seems to be one common denominator but how can you tell someone this without hurting them.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

you desribed my wife and daughters relationship exactly. i cannot believe how my wife lowers herself into petty and ridiculous arguments with her (shes 15). wife tells me its normal and just female stuff and i should stay out of it. even though they plop down on either side of me and start going at it. i think my wife is menopausal frankly. she is always stern, task oriented, barking orders and generally not any fun to be around


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

Okay, maybe some people will disagree with me, but hey that's why the internet is so great.

Did you wife work or go to school outside of the home before the kids were born?

These "differences" you both had about discipline. As a Father of a teenager, I can tell you I've made the same mistakes. I worked all day, I don't want to come home and be the "bad guy". Guess what...that's what you signed on for when you became a Father. You are SUPPOSED to the "bad guy" when needed. I bet if you ASKED your wife (if she hasn't expressed this already)she feels like she’s home all day, she had to deal with all the typical crap from kids. Not doing chores, talking back, and she does her best keep them in line. But then Dad gets home and it’s suddenly “Not that big of a deal” so ALL the work she puts in trying to discipline the kids kind of gets “cancelled out” when you come home.

Maybe she’s tired of being the bad guy? Maybe she’s tired of doing this all by herself during the day, and then instead of having you come home and back her up, you actually ‘defend’ your children. This, to me, when feel like you and the kids are teaming up on her.

Also, I’ve been married almost 17 years. My wife expressed to me verbally, very strongly, when we first started TALKING about having kids that she wanted to be a stay at home Mom. I know that a lot of that had to do with the piss poor job her own Mother did when she was growing up. I had no problem with that. For a woman used to being independent, working, having a life outside, being home all day sucked the life out of her. BUT part of her felt guilty about wanting to get out of the house. When my son started school I convinced her we needed the money, so she needed to go back to work. Her attitude and our relationship improved GREATLY in just months. I truly believe if she hadn’t of gotten a job, we would have divorced all those years ago. We’ve got our own struggles in other areas, but I can tell you this was HUGE burden on our relationship as husband and wife, and it probably caused most of the after effects we’re dealing with now.

See when you’re working out of the house all day, you just see it was work. When you get home you just want to relax. She sees that you’ve been outside the house all day, interacting with other adults, and she needs that too.

Hope this helps, just my 2 cents.

Taking Back the Reins


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