# Curios about swinging



## ShalynRaquel (Nov 20, 2015)

I reached this site because a gentleman had a similar question but I didn't really see the answer I was looking for so I'm telling my story in hopes of a different result.

I am in a relationship with someone who has been in the lifestyle alone. Now he has decided that he is not ready to give it up and hoping I will engage with him. However, I have grown up pretty conservative but have an open mind. My concern is that I know nothing about the lifestyle and my thoughts of it only being a huge orgy are obviously out of ignorance. My boyfriend thinks it will make our relationship better but I fear it will only tear our, already struggling, relationship apart.

Looking for any thoughts and opinions on the lifestyle and my situation. Lifestyle veterans preferred. Those not thinking about it or engaged in at all need not comment.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Move on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Hi...

This topic comes up every month or so. In fact I responded to one very similar just a week ago. Here is some pretty standard advice:

- Swinging only works in a very few cases. Its not for everyone. 
- 95% or more of the attempts to enter the lifestyle end up in a breakup/divorce. 
- Many that try swinging are already having trouble in their relationship and this usually kills it off. 
- Unless the relationship is rock solid, both people want to engage in it fully and you happen to be wired to accept sharing your partner than it will definitely cause the marriage/relationship to fail. 
- Clear expectations, communication and trust are absolutely critical for it to work. If you have ANY issues in those areas it will fail. 
- Unless you really want too swing...don't. 
- Swinging is arguable not too far from a FWB relationship. Is that what you want?
- Once you you do it... there is no taking it back. You are changed forever. 
- You will not find too many people who are supportive of the Lifestyle here but there are a couple. 

Finally if you choose to enter the lifestyle then take it in baby steps. 

Good Luck.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If your relationship is struggling, swinging almost certainly won't improve it and will likely add additional problems. Since your relationship has issues, I would suggest fixing those before even considering swinging, and only then if you want to. If your relationship is solid, then the results probably follow a normal distribution: the majority of people will have an okay experience, some will have an overall bad experience, and some will have a really great - and perhaps ongoing - experience.

BTW, Vorlon, your points are very true and are good advice - except for your statistics which are highly erroneous and do not remotely conform to actual research on the subject.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/134956/the-swinging-paradigm.pdf


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> If your relationship is struggling, swinging almost certainly won't improve it and will likely add additional problems. Since your relationship has issues, I would suggest fixing those before even considering swinging, and only then if you want to. If your relationship is solid, then the results probably follow a normal distribution: the majority of people will have an okay experience, some will have an overall bad experience, and some will have a really great - and perhaps ongoing - experience.
> 
> BTW, Vorlon, your points are very true and are good advice - except for your statistics which are highly erroneous and do not remotely conform to actual research on the subject.
> 
> https://www.psychologytoday.com/files/attachments/134956/the-swinging-paradigm.pdf


OK you got me on the Stats. I was using the self-selected population of relationship forums and responses from those to generalize a qualitative statistic that has no quantitative basis. Yes I pulled it out of my A##. )


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## clemdawg (Nov 16, 2015)

Dont do it. There will be trust issues.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

The only thing you have to call your own is your values. If you let someone compromise them for their own gratification then you have nothing. If you don't feel good about it, then it's for good reason. Just remember that if you try it and it's not to your lifestyle, you still own it. Can't undo history


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Swinging to improve a crappy relationship?

That'd be like cutting yourself to make the bleeding stop.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Swinging to improve a crappy relationship?
> 
> That'd be like cutting yourself to make the bleeding stop.


It's all happening....just like the old gypsy woman said


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dump the jerk. If he wants to watch other guys plow you, then he has no respect for you.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Dump the jerk. If he wants to watch other guys plow you, then he has no respect for you.


I like Bandit's cut to the chase answers. :grin2: He'd make a good therapist. Solve your problems in one session.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Heatherknows said:


> I like Bandit's cut to the chase answers. :grin2: He'd make a good therapist. Solve your problems in one session.


Yeah...$150 an hour and I'm yours.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Don't do it. If your relationship is already struggling, doing something like this you aren't comfortable with will definitely not make it better. I think it's time for you to find someone else.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah...$150 an hour and I'm yours.


Damn! Talk about plowing somebody!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Guys who dig asking their chicks to bang other guys in front of them have mommy-luv issues. Seriously.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

ShalynRaquel said:


> I reached this site because a gentleman had a similar question but I didn't really see the answer I was looking for so I'm telling my story in hopes of a different result.
> 
> I am in a relationship with someone who has been in the lifestyle alone. Now he has decided that he is not ready to give it up and hoping I will engage with him. However, I have grown up pretty conservative but have an open mind. My concern is that I know nothing about the lifestyle and my thoughts of it only being a huge orgy are obviously out of ignorance. My boyfriend thinks it will make our relationship better but I fear it will only tear our, already struggling, relationship apart.
> 
> Looking for any thoughts and opinions on the lifestyle and my situation. Lifestyle veterans preferred. Those not thinking about it or engaged in at all need not comment.



Your man isn't ready to settle down and commit to you. He wants his cake and eat it too.

If he truly loved you, he'd only want to be with you and not other women.

Move on and find a real man that wants you and only you. Many good guys out there.

I know if I suggested to Mrs.CuddleBug before we got married, I want an open marriage. I want to bring other woman home for us. I highly doubt she would be, cool, okay, bring these other women home.

More like there's the door putting it nicely.....


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

Heatherknows said:


> I like Bandit's cut to the chase answers. :grin2: He'd make a good therapist. Solve your problems in one session.


I imagine it would be a lot like this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49zqV9tjlsw


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Your man isn't ready to settle down and commit to you. He wants his cake and eat it too.
> 
> If he truly loved you, he'd only want to be with you and not other women.
> 
> ...



This is exactly is. Swinging is a hobby which can strengthen an already strong relationship. OP says the relationship isn't strong, so what it'll do instead is widen the crack

It doesn't sound like he cares though


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Begging to differ, monogamy and respect for a marital partner were always meant to go hand in hand, and is the only thing that can preemptively solidify a relationship! In fact, it is the hallmark of any such relationship!

His gross assertions that "threesomes" can do the very same thing to solidify the standing of such a relationship is nothing more than a "red herring" on his part, which if shallow-mindedly allowed to be practiced to true fruition and diligence, can truly end up turning something else "red," with vestiges of of STD's; with respect and mutual trust left torn asunder and profusely bleeding on the floor! Just saying! *
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don't compromise yourself for this guy. Any man that truly loves you wouldn't want another man touching you. With way more men willing to engage in this lifestyle, you will find yourself being used by so many men in a short time. Talk about a mind fvck for most women. The lying and mental gymnastics that people do to justify what they're doing is amazing. In time you won't recognize yourself and neither will friends and family. 

Another thing is that once you engage in this lifestyle you'll have a hard time meeting a man that will love and treasure you. Most men, after knowing you've engaged in these activities, will not see you as relationship material. You'll have to lie through omission to land a long term relationship.

He's looking to bang other woman and needs you to help lure other couples into destroying their marriages. This a predatory lifestyle that relies on naive couples and the lies of erotica to sell and grow, leaving a trail of destroyed marriages and families.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

jsmart said:


> Don't compromise yourself for this guy. Any man that truly loves you wouldn't want another man touching you. With way more men willing to engage in this lifestyle, you will find yourself being used by so many men in a short time. Talk about a mind fvck for most women. The lying and mental gymnastics that people do to justify what they're doing is amazing. In time you won't recognize yourself and neither will friends and family.
> 
> *Another thing is that once you engage in this lifestyle you'll have a hard time meeting a man that will love and treasure you. * Most men, after knowing you've engaged in these activities, will not see you as relationship material. You'll have to lie through omission to land a long term relationship.
> 
> *He's looking to bang other woman and needs you to help lure other couples into destroying their marriages. This a predatory lifestyle that relies on naive couples and the lies of erotica to sell and grow, leaving a trail of destroyed marriages and families.*


Completely true. The double standard for woman will always exist.

J *is* smart and should write a book on why women should *never* sleep around, *never* have open marriages, threesomes or swing. 

I've done some stupid stuff in my life but my survival instincts always kick in.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

In order to enter into this lifestyle, you and your partner MUST have complete trust and faith in each other and good communication between each other. Otherwise, it will not work. Swinging is not for everyone. If there are already issues in your relationship, compromising your morals and values and engaging in something like this for his sake and comfort will only make things worse, and ultimately, the relationship will fail.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't get this swinging thing. Yes, I grew up out in the country and am very conservative, etc.

But, I do know that it takes me quite a while to get comfortable with a woman enough to enjoy sex to the fullest level. Takes a while to figure out how to give her what she wants, to help her figure out what I want/like. Then, I enjoy learning new things that fire her up. 
Also, it makes me want to vomit thinking about another man with my woman. Or sharing a woman with another man even if she isn't mine. What mindset allows this? I guess it's just different strokes for different folks. But I really don't understand being that intimate with more than one person and doing things that require a person to be very comfortable with you, and knowing that in fact, they couldn't care less about you. It's a mind**** to me of the highest order. 

Sorry to jack the thread. I'll tell you I don't know anything about swinging, obviously. I'm just basing my thoughts on how I feel and maybe erroneously thinking I'm kinda average.

My vote is find a new man, he doesn't think highly of you to even ask such a thing. And to want this to ME, shows something about him that you are unlikely to find appealing if you're a conservative-type thinker like me.


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