# 22 Year One Sided Love Affair



## Lasr60637 (Nov 14, 2008)

I'm at work thinking about my marriage. For 22 years I've been totally in love with my husband and now I see it was all one sided.

Going back 22 years ago, I was 30 years old, single, no kids and H was 35, divorced from first relationship (3 kids) and his 13 year relationship (1 kid) had ended a year or so before we "hooked up".

We were from the same neighborhood (suburbs). He got married young, I went to college. Fast forward to almost 20 years and we saw each other at a party. I gave the party host my phone number to give to him and he called about a month later and our relationship started.

Relationship flourished. Left the "big city" to move back to the suburbs (better to raise children there). Move in together. He had an affair with a woman who lived in our apartment complex. I put him out, he talked his way back in, I forgave him.

Then I found out I was pregnant.

We got married. I was happy, he wasnt. I bought our wedding bands. He brought nothing to the table (was not working regularly). Had no idea that he didnt feel the same way I did. Guess I wasnt looking. Only thinking of myself and my happiness.

Fast forward several years. I got him a job where I work.

Child support people came after him for his 2nd relationship that had produced a kid. He felt that his 'baby's mama' initiated this out of anger and revenge and that if he had not married me, she would have left him alone.

Feeling guilty for getting pregnant and 'forcing' him to marry me, I've spent the last 22 years being financially responsible for our two children (paying day care, buying clothes, Xmas and birthday presents, and now our daughter's college education) - no help from him.

Looked the other way for the last 22 years while he lived a "secret life".

He always said he was out all nite playing chess and I believed him.

Years passed.

I paid for all vacations, big ticket home items (furniture, TVs, etc.). He only had to get one Xmas gift and that was to me. He always got something at the last minute and never what I wanted. Never got a Mother's Day card or gift (he says I'm not his mother). Stopped giving me birthday presents about 5 years ago.

I, on the other hand, buy Father's Day gifts for him (from the kids), always remember his birthday and if I did not initiate a wedding anniversary celebration, that day would just come and go.

I never thought my love for him was a bit lopsided until D-Day July 10, 2008.

I confronted him about his long term EA with one of our coworkers and his attitude about the whole thing really stunned me.

He said he didnt realize they had made over 60-80 calls to each other a month over a 2 year period. He didnt realize it was that much.

He didnt apologize. He wasnt sorry. I demanded NC and he agreed but to this day they still talk.

He wants me to get over it, let it go and let him have his friends because I'm making him feel smothered and trapped.

When I needed his love and affection the most at that time, he pushed me away. He would not tell me he loved me, would not hold me or kiss me. When I told him I think he loves me but is not "in love" with me, he didnt correct that assumption. He just said that he likes his life and doesnt want a divorce.

After D-day, I was so traumatized, I made a fool out of myself. Its hard to force intimacy with someone who's not really into you. Any kissing we did was initiated by me, any sex we had was initiated by me. Any dates we went on was initiated and paid for by me.

In all this, he was still talking to the OW.

Xmas 2008, I got him a brand new expensive bowling ball (we are league bowlers) and bag. He got me nothing. He said he was broke.

New Year's Eve, I spent $300 on an entertainment package at Riverboat Casino. Midnight came, everybody else was hugging and kissing to bring in the New Year, we were just standing there. Finally, he bent over and gave me a long kiss (with tongue!!!!!). We had not done that in 15 years.

Since the holidays, I thought our relationship was turning a corner. We were showing each other a little more affection than before. I was hopeful. He had a bout of bronchitis for a few days and I nursed him back to health.

Then I saw his secret prepaid cell phone and saw the calls. He called her 12/31, 1/3 and 1/4.

It didnt matter that I spent so much money on him during the holidays, it didnt matter that I laid in bed talking to him all hours of the night, it didnt matter that I initiated all sexual/intimacy things, it didnt matter that I nursed him back to health.

Nothing was enough for him to stop talking to her.

Thats why I sit her this morning and realized that for 22 years I have been in love with man and the entire relationship has been one sided. All on me.

Wow, at 52 years old, I never thought I'd be in this situation. So now I have to live for me. He is 57 years old and not about to change.

My feelings about him are different now. I feel used. I'm not blaming myself for loving him but I will blame myself if I keep living like this now that I'm out of "the fog".

Sorry for the ramblings, but this came into my head this morning and I wanted to share it with you all.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I am so sorry, girl! That really sucks. I can't imagine doing that (on either side of the relationship).


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think you need to throw him out for a good 6-12 months and start over or break it up. He needs a wake up call in marriage and in life.


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