# Mismatched Sex Drives



## GKBlue71 (Sep 29, 2011)

Ok, so I have the typical, "I want sex more than my wife" problem. I've received all the usual advice: be more romantic, attentive, etc. We've been to a couple counseling sessions even and that made it clear that our problem run much deeper than mismatching sex drives. But with every effort I make, she puts up another wall for me to break down and I feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. For example, one of her complaints was that I needed to be more attentive (and not just when I wanted sex). I thought that was an extremely fair point and agreed that she was right about that. I resolved that every day, I'll ask myself "what have I done for my wife today?...and make sure i do something nice...sometimes a small thing and sometimes something big. I still continue to do that. No response....but that's ok...we have two kids and we don't always get a chance to just be together. Maybe we need to make more alone time along with my behavior changes. So, I got a sitter lined up, planned a fun little "date" for us and was all set. When I told her what I'd planned, she was very ho-hum and when it came time for us to go, she told me that she didn't feel like it. Maybe I should have reacted a little differently but I was extremely disappointed that she continues to shoot down my every effort and stimulating some romance in our relationship..and I pretty much didn't speak to her for the rest of the day....and she seemed fine with that.

I should add a little of the back story. Four years ago, we had our second child. our oldest was 3 at the time and not yet in school. We wanted one of us to be home with the kids and her career is far more lucrative financially than mine...about 2-3 times the salary. So, it made financial sense for me to be the one to stay home. I have worked part time for most of this 4 years but I've been a stay at home dad ever since. One of the things that became evident in our 2 counseling sessions (which she has shown very little interest in continuing) is that she harbors a great deal of resentment towards me. Almost every one of her friends and neighbors is a SAHM and she wants to be one. To make matters worse, I'm better at it than any of them are (they even admit)...I run an organized efficient home. The house is always clean, the meals are always cooked and the kids are almost always squared away. But unless we significantly alter our lifestyle, which we both would not want, we can not get by on any salary I can make. Our youngest will be heading to school next year and I do plan to return to work full time in a new career as a teacher, but I will always make a lot less money than she will. I believe this is her real problem. I sincerely believe that she regrets that she married me and wishes she married someone that was a better "provider". I even asked her this straight up in a counseling session. And ultimately, we both need to be happy and that if she wants a different life than I can provide for her, I have to be able to live with that and let her move on. Thats when she let the tears start flowing and insisted that wasn't what she wanted. But her actions say otherwise...and she is also a child of divorce and she has said many times in casual conversations about other couples or issues that she is dead set against it when children are involved. So all her words and actions are telling me that she doesn't want to be married to me but she would rather be unhappy in the marriage than leave me...and I suspect she is worried about what people will think of her for leaving. That puts all sorts of things running through my head.....Is she trying to make me so unhappy that I initiate the breakup, which will help her save face? Is she thinking that she can eventually get me to cheat on her, which would then cast me as the villain instead of her? On the other hand, I want to believe her when she says she loves me and wants our marriage to work. But how can I when all her actions say otherwise?

Does anyone have any similar experiences and/or ideas?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Biologically, it is hard for a woman to be sexual when she is playing a male role, and you are playing a female role. I will get flamed for this but you can either decide you want to buy into biology, which will give you a basis to solve your problem, or buy into political correctness and hopefully someone can provide you with advice in that case.

It works to your advantage that she is against divorce.

What you want to do in relation to her becoming a SAHM and you returning to work is to express desire to return to work, express desire and confidence about her staying home, and express confidence that you know we can all "make it work well" even though we would be taking a cut in income.

It's a mistake to "force" her to work by pointing out that "you make more money than I can". What you want to do is table up the choices, express that you are very willing to work outside the home, express that you know that the family will be workable on your income, and that the decision you two make together needs to be based on the collective happiness of the family (as opposed to she makes more money).

She and you may decide that "the collective happiness of the family" means that she works and you don't. If that's the case, and she then goes on to express something critical of her working and you staying home, you then have to push back on this and point out that the collective good of the family includes a happy, sexual and functioning relationship between you and wife.


----------

