# Need Help w/ MIL Situation



## Titania (Oct 18, 2010)

(If this is posted in the wrong forum, I apologize. Since it dealt with mostly the MIL issues, I felt it would be more appropriate here than in the Financial section.)

I need your guys and gals help! My husband and I have been married for a little over a year and a half, and come December we will have been together for 3 years. We see eye to eye on most things, except for one major issue - his mother.

I will try to condense a rather large story as much as I can, so if this post seems rather long, sorry! 

His parents have been divorced since he was in middle school. She never dated, she never remarried. He is an only child and she pretty much put him in the position as "man of the house" at a very young age. Even though we are married and (thankfully) live on the other side of town, she has asked him to run errands for her, perform maintenance on things in her house, to take her car to get serviced, and other things she should be taking care of herself as she is 55 years old.

The current house she lives in is a 4 bedroom, 3 bath two story home that is, to be honest, ridiculous. When she purchased the house years ago, my husband was away in another state visiting his father. She, and like the rest of her brothers and sisters, are all about living beyond their means and keeping up appearances. It's a part of their culture where money and status are everything. Their cars have to be expensive European imports, name brand this... stupid trivial stuff. So, she purchased a house that was way more than what she needed, even though my husband was living with her still at the time, and got into a mortgage that would have the monthly costs increase as time went on. 

Last year she started to work with this company to refinance the house to lower the mortgage payments. With my husband out of the house, she was having to pay for everything, and found that, on a teachers salary, it was just too much. After going through that company, and seeking the help of a lawyer, she though things were getting figured out. The lawyer even told her to stop making payments on all of her credit cards for 6 months since it was supposed to help her. Turns out, said lawyer was practicing without a license, and the state was even going after him. Then she found out that the company she was trying to get refinancing from wasn't didn't even have the abilities to do so.

For the past few months, she was working with a new lawyer and had to file for bankruptcy, otherwise she would lose the house. One day she came home to find a notice on the door that her house was going to be put up for auction in 48 hours, so she had to do something to delay it. The auction was delayed, but then she had to figure out of she could go for Chapter 7 or Chapter 13 bankruptcy. During that time, my husband would suggest at random times that maybe we should move in with her to not only boost the household income, but to also cut down on our bills and save up some money.

When we first started to date, I lived there with her and it was a living hell. Arguments were frequent, and I was so sick of her trying to control him. The last thing I wanted to do, regardless of how it would financially benefit us, was move back in with her. Especially because we are thinking of trying for a baby next year. I refuse to be pregnant while not having any space of my own.

Last month, she found out that Chapter 13 was OK'd by the Judge, she would be able to keep the house for at least another 4-5 years, provided she keep up with the payments, but what her lawyers didn't explain to her was this: her mortgage payments could and would increase, starting this upcoming January.

Currently she has a mortgage payment of around 2,500 a month, plus taxes and fees so it actually comes to around between 2,700-2,900 a month. At the end of January, the mortgage will increase to 3,100 a month, with the final amount somewhere around 3,600. It's clearly an amount she can't afford.

My husband suggested she cut her losses, move into an apartment, use that time to save up money, rebuild her credit, and then later on get a new house. Since status and appearances are more important than being realistic and having a roof over her head, it's basically not an option for her because heaven forbid if she can't have people over during that time. To have company over, and to not be in her lavish palace, will be embarrassing. 

Now here is where things get really bad. For months, my husband has been saying how he feels bad because we are living check to check, how are we ever going to build up our credit, how are we ever going to be able to save up for a house of our own, and all this. Yet, last week he told me that he was going to look into seeing if his credit would be enough to get a home loan. Why? So that he can take out a loan, put his name on a house, and give it to his Mother.

If your jaws have just dropped, imagine my shock and how appalled I was. 

Needless to say, I was furious and let him have it. I personally feel that, she dug her own hole, and needs to get herself out of this on her own. If she constantly has people coddling her and baby-ing her, like he does, then she will never learn from her mistakes. This needs to be a wake up call and an example of what happens when you are financially stupid.

Despite how I feel, he is still going to look into it, but I don't feel that she should be rewarded with a brand new house when we are stuck to renting for who knows how much longer! He is telling me that she is his Mother, that he has to try and help, and that he will first check to see if his credit will support two home loans so that, later on, we have the option of having a house.

I don't see why she gets a house, a brand new one at that, while we are the ones who have to put our credit and our future on the line for her. I don't see why it is even worth risking our marriage for somebody who doesn't even know how to be smart, at the age of 55! She has a house, the one she lived in prior to the house she is now, and is using it as a rental. When I proposed that she move into an apartment for the time being, not allow the renters to renew their lease when the time is up, and then move into that house, that idea was shot down because the house "has a lot of work that needs to be done to it, and she is making some income from it." Funny how she can't move back into it, but right after we got married, she was pushing for us to go and move into it and take over the payments.

We've been fighting for the past couple of days, and even spent all of yesterday in separate rooms. I'm being seen as the bad guy, and he is willing to risk damaging our marriage beyond repair over his mother - the one who, if he doesn't call almost every day, tries to manipulate and guilt him over it saying how, she could die, and he wouldn't know about it since he rarely calls.

Please tell me what to do, or if you've gone through something similar. I'm just heartbroken over this, and if he does go through with this and sign his name on a loan so that that witch gets a new house at our expense, I don't think I can stay married to him.


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## greeeneyedwife (Oct 16, 2010)

Have you told him that you don't think you can stay married to him if he goes through with it? If not, you need to sit down with him and have a long conversation about it. He loves his Mom and that's fine, but you need to be his first priority, always. She got herself into this and it isn't his problem, and it definitely isn't your problem. I definitely would NOT consider moving in with her, ever. She still wants to be first in his life, when it is YOU that needs to be first. She shouldn't even consider LETTING him help her the way he wants to....who puts that kind of burden on their kids?


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## Titania (Oct 18, 2010)

When we were arguing yesterday, I told him that this isn't the kind of thing I'd want for any future family of ours or the life I would want for myself. In his anger at me he told me that I "know what to do then" but I know he wasn't serious. 

I've told him repeatedly how this isn't his problem or our problem, but he has this horrible problem of always having to swoop in and save the day. He's done her homework when she was in college, he's even done homework for other members in his family because they've asked him to, and culturally it's rude to say "no." 

She's so damn selfish. What started the argument yesterday was when she called and told him how she wouldn't be at home this week due to appointments, so if he was thinking about coming by and stopping on over there, that he should've went over yesterday. He works 10 hour days, 5 days a week with work on Saturday as well. To conserve gas, and to have at least 1 full day off of work, I think it's absurd to say "come over today" knowing we live clear on the other side of town.

Last week she called one night, after 9 or whatever, saying how she "didn't feel well" and had a strange pain in her ear. Hubby told her that if it's that bad, then for her to go to the hospital, since it's not even a 5 minute drive away from her house. She asked if he would drive all the way over there and stay the night, just in case (there is no proper spare bed for him, and that would mean we would be apart for the night) and when he said that it would be uncomfortable for him and that he needed to think about it, she got huffy with him and told him to forget it, but to have his phone on next to him.

I get so furious over her, my blood boils!


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## greeeneyedwife (Oct 16, 2010)

Oh goodness...this woman needs some boundaries but the only one that can set them is your husband. It sounds like she is jealous of his relationship with you and is willing to do anything for his attention. I have a rotten MIL, too, but I am very fortunate that my husband let her know early on that I would always come first. Unfortunately she couldn't live with that and started to get nasty to the point that we no longer have any contact with her, at all, ever. 

For the small things that you can ignore...try to remember....his mother, his problem. But for the big problems (him trying to fix her housing problem), you are going to have to figure out if you can live with him putting her first when it comes to something as important as your finances. If you can't, he needs to know that and he needs to know you are serious about it so he can decide if it's worth losing his wife over. Otherwise, this will become an ongoing problem and you will never be happy.


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## Titania (Oct 18, 2010)

Yeah I told him last night, in fact I demanded, that he set up major boundaries. Told him that, when he married me, he started a new family of his own and that we come first. Normally, when he is at work, we chat throughout the day on AIM, but I never logged on. We are just not talking at all, and he is refusing to see my side of it because Mommy Dearest is placed on her pedestal.

He just won't agree with how she needs to be responsible for her own actions. I love him dearly. I really do. But this is just not the way to start a marriage, to start our family, or the way I want to have my life as.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Good for you for letting him know what's acceptable to you.

I've heard some awful in-law stories and yours is up there with some of the worst. 

He knows she should move into an apartment and work on saving and fixing her credit, but that's not what she wants, so he is willing to risk your financial future on her. That is really wrong of her to even ask that of her son. He needs to learn that it's not his job to take care of every little thing for his mother. Sure, it's great that he wants to help her out, but she is taking advantage of her son and you by association. 

Boundaries seriously need to be drawn. The cord needs to be cut. Her calling and asking him to come sleep over because of an earache is RIDICULOUS. So glad he said no.

Your MIL has placed her son in the position of her spouse, which is not healthy and bad for your marriage. 

Read "Toxic In-Laws" by Susan Forward.


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## Titania (Oct 18, 2010)

Thanks Bluemoon7. I'll definitely see if that book is available at our local Borders/Barnes & Nobles. Him and I got into another heated row last night, in which I told him that if he goes through with it and signs those papers, I won't stick around. After telling him, again, how it's foolish to throw away the "first time homeowners" perks, and that, with our state law, I'd have to sign a quitclaim deed so that if something happens and he dies I don't get the house, along with a bunch of other facts, he finally broke down and said he wouldn't look into it.

A few minutes later he broke down in tears saying how he wasn't the person he thought he was, and how he wasn't proud of himself, but I said to him again how he isn't a super hero. He can't always do everything for everybody just because they ask. He told me that, regardless if he can or not, he should still try but I told him that isn't fair to him, and I put him in a scenario that, if he was the parent in need, would it be fair to ask that of his children?

Things are a lot better now, and it turns out it wasn't his idea in the first place, it was hers... so now that is another battle I have to worry about.

I completely agree with you about it being ridiculous regarding the ear pains. Years ago I was sick with bronchitis, that was almost pneumonia, and the flu at the same time. I had a temperature of 105 and was living alone. Not once did I call to have somebody come over to take care of me. The only time I did call somebody was when I needed a ride to the hospital because I knew I had to receive proper medical treatment. It's called sucking it up, being an adult, and taking care of yourself.

Hope I don't sound heartless lol!

Thanks again, I really do appreciate it


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