# What is the added value/benefit that keeps you in your marriage?



## Calistyle033

Hello Everyone,

I have been married for 5 years now and I would say the best years we had together were while we dated. I have been feeling like I made a mistake getting married so young and starting to realize as each day goes by, that my wife may not be the one for me.

We have a 17month old daughter and I definitely don’t want to lose her or become an EOW parent (100% hands on dad and will do everything except nurse for obvious reasons, but courts tend to side with mothers for toddlers) but at the same time I don’t know if this relationship is for me and if I would be better off alone. I have been feeling like this before she was born and reality kind of hit after she was born that what value do I receive from this relationship. I feel like I'm alone even when I'm with her because there is no added value or support.

I’m feeling like I am in a negative override with my wife and I wanted to see how others relationships out there work.

So my question is what value does your spouse bring to the marriage that makes you a better person, supports you, appreciates you or makes your life easier and makes you think you can’t live without them and will be losing out that person wasn’t there?

Day to day, I can’t think of stuff my wife does for me day to day I.e. cooking, cleaning, supporting me if I am having stressful time with other parts of life etc. and usually do those things for us. She only cooks for our daughter. Pretty hands on person from the household stuff inside to the traditional “male chores” and like to stay busy and have always grown up being independent.

Long term – I feel she takes away more value than she adds (limiting time I get to spend with family, friends, trying to control, verbal belittling, disrespectful, dead bedroom, manipulation etc.) I have lost so much contact with my social system and she values lots of quality time which contradicts my value of being social.

Expectations – I feel like her expectations are destroying us and just can't meet them and can never make her happy. Its a continuous cycle, for example, if I don’t show her affection that day for whatever reason, she says a hug would have made her happy, if I were to hug and kiss her next time, she says a bringing her flowers or sending texts about all the things I love about her would have made her happy, if I do that, it becomes something else. It just a moving target and I just feel like I can never meet her expectations and when I don’t its verbal assaults, attacking and comparisons of others. Or something like mundane as taking the garbage out on Thursdays and if I go to work late or sleep in and it’s not taken out. She’ll get mad that and expected me to take it out when she could have taken it out before she went to work.


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## sokillme

My marriage and love for my wife is a gift I give to her. I also don't "deserve" to be married to her she gives me the same gift. That's it. There are great benefits and I am very grateful for them but it's not what keeps me in my marriage. I am quite able to have a great and happy life by myself but I choose to have it with her because I love her. Because we both think this way, we are mindful of how we treat each other and our marriage. 

If you are unhappy especially to the point where you want to leave then you need to tell her. You need to have boundaries and let her decide if she can live up to them. If you don't do that you are not being and authentic or good spouse. It's wrong to spring this stuff on your spouse only at the point where you are done. Everyone deserves the right to work on/live in their marriage with as much information as possible. 

It is also very possible that your perceptions are not aligning. She may be asking for something different then you think so you think you are delivering but from her perceptions you have not really addressed what she was asking for. For instance the flower thing may be more about you showing her that you appreciate her without her having to tell you that she feels unappreciated. So it may not be flowers or a kiss or a hug but the general idea that you out of the blue sit her down and just say. "You know I see that you do this and I really understand that this is work for you but you do it for me just because you love me. Thank you." That may mean more to her more then flowers or anything. It may be seeing something you know she likes and getting it for her, like a coffee when you are out. I sometimes write my wife notes to find in the morning when I see that she is doing something for me or us and just tell her how grateful I am. Point is, when I feel that way I tell her in some way. You have to be mindful. Part of that is occasionally thinking what would my life be like without this person. It gets easier as you do it. Now that has to be true too. 

My point being that some of this my not be her being demanding but you not understanding what the demand is so you can't fulfill it. You may want to consider marriage counseling as that can help with these issues of communication. All of this starts with communication. The best way to do that is non-emotional and just trying to entreat her. "Look I know this has been an issue for both of us but we need to fix it because it is hurting our marriage. I want our marriage to work. What do you think about marriage counseling?" Overall though it's not healthy, in my opinion, to think of a marriage as something that you get stuff from. It is a mutually decided agreement where you are each others primary partner. But is always a gift that you give, you can take away, and they can take away from you. The thinking where you get something out of it and no matter what you do there will be love is really a parent child dynamic. Whoever is thinking that way, wife or husband, that will eventually fall apart in some way, under the unrealistic expectations of that kind of relationship.

Good luck.


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## Bananapeel

It sounds like you are contemplating divorce not looking for keys to a long term relationship. You can fix parts of your relationship, but only those that involve you and she can only fix those that involve her. Start by getting some books and reading. The married man's sex life primer would be a good place to start.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

So is she lazy and b!tchy? Yea, been there...I have nothing.


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## personofinterest

We stay in our marriage because we do not think like this. It's not a math computation. It is a commitment.

There. That's my answer.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

It seems like there are things normal in a marriage you haven't figured out yet. From all data given so far, its likely you and maybe some her, but you, a little her....well you get my point.

If you don't show some affection during the day, but expect closeness, that's you. Hugs and kisses here and there are usually critical to fuel a closeness that most desire. 

The 14mo old will cause a split in Ws attention, that's normal. Most new fathers will join in to Mom/child time, and that fosters you and Ws time as a couple. 

You don't have to nor generally should take over all chores but help while your new Mom finds her sea legs balancing you, herself, and baby in your environments new configuration. 

It's normal for you to feel "odd man out" at times as "Mom" gets used to her balancing act. Whether she works or not it's a new dynamic.

W will "return to you" in a short period normally. Remember she may feel the same way you do, as in WTF am I doing here. 

Be a good, kind, loving leader. Not a doormat, but don't create problems where there may be none.

Help you and she enjoy life as parents, and as husband and wife.

It's way too early to say it isn't working for you. 

What you feel is normal. Because you're not Ws sole focus anymore. Welcome to parenthood at small child stage.

Find a babysitter. Make dates with W. You can do it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

I reread your original post. You indeed sound like you're not emotionally as mature as you think. My second thought was you're not helping things with all the you, you, you focus, without considering Ws emotional state so soon after carrying the baby for nine months and having to be primary care for child, in her mind, for 14mos so far.

Time for you to constructively lead my friend. Just my 2 cents. Sorry if it comes across harsh, but it's not meant to. 

Just trying to get you to see her side too.

This comes from personal experience. I married young too, after college, starting professional career, two boys, and now grands. Happily married 33 yrs. Lots of closeness to W. All good. But it was work, too.

You have to do the work.

Best,

RR


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## Married but Happy

Marriage is a commitment, but I don't want to be committed to the institution involuntarily. So, it's also a choice, and as such, it can be a good choice, or a bad choice. That largely depends on you, AND your spouse. (My first marriage turned out to be a bad choice; this one is a very good choice.) People don't tend to do things voluntarily, unless they perceive some benefit. Marriage requires a long-term perspective, though, so the benefits may not be immediate, and may vary over time. It's the overall perception of value that matters, IMO.

I stay in my marriage for many reasons, but basically, it provides far greater value that being alone, or simply dating. It could be equivalent to a long-term committed, non-marital relationship, and we'd have stuck with that if not for some (at the time) very significant benefits only achievable by marrying.

So, we truly enjoy each other's company. We help each other achieve everything from minor tasks to major life goals, and having that assistance makes everything easier and faster. Companionship is a key component, since we actually like each other and can have real conversations about interesting things. And, of course, sex is a significant factor in a happy marriage (IMO), and we have a lot of really great sex.


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## uhtred

We are happy together and spend a lot of time together. We share chores and fun.


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## Mr.Married

If you have to ask that question then you don't have the right one ..... or your not the right one for her.

"I have been feeling like I made a mistake getting married so young"

That could also just be in your head and have nothing to do with it. Many people were married young and still going strong. Many people get married later in life and have problems as well.
Try not to assign it to married young and make an effort to recognize the underlying problems and the possible solutions.


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## Young at Heart

I agree with the others that a good marriage is about commitment and not whether the balance beam is tilted in favor or against you.

Marriage should be a long term commitment with shared goals and dreams. A partnership where you each contribute as much as you can. Sometimes one contributes more than the other, sometimes illness or the need to take care of small children or family members in poor health mean your spouses contribution to you my be less but more to the partnership of the two of you. In those cases you need to roll with the punches and communicate your core needs while your other needs take off some time.

Good luck.

Marriage is very hard work, if it is done correctly.


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## TheDudeLebowski

This thread wreaks of two people who don't know who and what they are, both looking at each other to fill the same void of not knowing who and what they are. You are supposed to figure that part out first, then get married to someone you can live without, but both choose to stay because they want to. Even in your own post you talk about how she is required to enhance your life. What she brings to the table. Someone who is happy in marriage doesn't think that way. Of course my wife would be just fine without me. I would be fine without her. We are together because we thoroughly enjoy one another. We both take pride in doing stuff to make one another happy. But neither of us see it as a requirement to do so. Because we can both find our own happiness. I dont require that of her, and she doesn't require it of me. Going that route in your thought processes in marriage is a sure fire way to make sure your marriage sucks. It becomes a tit for tat. 

My wife knows I like tit, so she gives me tit without expecting tat. Lol


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## aine

Perhaps you should start making a list of what you bring or don’t bring to the marriage. Have you thought that you do not marry someone to make you happy, you have to make yourself happy and be that person in the marriage. It sounds like neither of you know what each other’s needs are, read His Needs Her Needs


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