# Got a woman coming over. . .



## Scannerguard

Hey, BTW, thank you to all for welcoming divorced people at this forum. I did value my marriage very very deeply and still want to be a student in it.

Anyway, divorced 5 years now. . .my son is 19 living with me while he works a summer job. He's a good kid.

I feel my role as the divorced parent, the way it has worked out, is that my ex tends to be the "model parent". . .she immediately evolved to a relationship whereas I have shown my 3 boys how to "live single." I know my ex-wife and her guy, well, they sleep separately in the house but travel together whatnot. Show affection in front of the kids but that seems to be it. They are companions in every sense of the word though. My ex is pretty proper with conduct. Me, I have lived a "single life". . now, to be clear, I have hardly been promiscuous. . .in a monogamous relationship for 3 years. I was alone for 1 year, this last year. But I always thought it was a nice complement that my boys could see "How to be Married" (MOM) and "How to be Single" (DAD) because chances are. . .they'll be both in their life. (one of the very, very few advantages of divorced parents over married)

Anyway, I am being "waved in" here by my new squeeze.

My question: Is it in bad taste as a parent to ask my son to scram for a night like a buddy/roommate, that I have a woman coming over? Like I said he's been living with me. He does have friends he could go over for 1 night. He'll ask why and I am a bad liar.

I mean. . .I guess I have been kinda the "cool parent" in that they come to me for relationship/sex questions (not often, a couple of times) whereas she has been the asexual one, focusing on education and even discipline more. I am very careful though to when they compare me to her and say, "I"m not going to make her be the bad cop/bad guy here." I have talked about STD's, girls wanting to get pregnant young, and all that with them.

I guess we do play bad cop/good cop though with me as "good cop." It's probably a fair criticism and I have tried to change with that, but I tend to be too easy going.

But, well, I admit it feels a bit weird and like we are friends instead of parent/child.


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## EleGirl

I think it's a bad idea to ask your son to scram so that you can have a woman over at your place. Yea he's 19, but you are still his father not his roommate.

Does he spend time at his mothers? that would give you time to have a woman over.

Or arrange for him to stay over at a friend's house. But don't tell him why. He's not your roommate or your buddy. I don't think kids what to know about their parent's intent to get laid.

Or how about you and your lady friend going to a hotel or to her place?


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## poida

Or you can show that it is healthy for adults to have sex and not feel like they have to hide it.
It's a good lesson for him to be home, even if he hears you. That's life.


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## Scannerguard

Well, you two have hit the inner conflict, lol.

We may get a room; it's on the table. It's just going to get expensive every time we want to have sex that we shell out $89.00 + rental tax. His mother lives 1 hour away from his job here. . .he's working here for another month and I have the other kids coming over the day after and they're staying for a week. We wouldn't do it with my other younger kids in the house. She's got kids too and her mother who lives with her.

This extrapolates to an essay I read about Generation X and how we are getting screwed with parenting. The essay was that I don't remember my parents ever worrying about my sensibilities, feelings and if I was "fulfilled". . .in fact, they were so unconcerned, they gave me a spoon and said, "Here go have fun - now go play outside." (and I imagine they were doing the nasty as I roamed the neighborhood) And so, well, I "scrammed" sometimes literally in the next town over on my bike. I didn't cramp my parents lifestyle 1/10th as much as my kids cramp my lifestyle.

And you know what? I have good parents. I didn't end up in therapy hating them.

I guess backseat of my car is on the table too. . .my 19 year old can have the house for him and his gf.

Married or divorced, you know what I am talking about when I write this vent and it goes beyond sex.


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## NobodySpecial

I disagree with Ele. Tell your son you want the house to yourself. Nuff said. He is 19, not 4. You're dating.


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## Herschel

Scram or put some earbuds in and turn the volume up to 11.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks

How long have you been seeing this lady? I'm leaning toward telling your son that you will be having a date night at your house and the lady will be staying over. He can decide if he wants to stay or scram.

BTW, I'm a baby boomer and my parents treated me exactly how gen x were treated.


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## Scannerguard

Well, I asked him and he smiled and said, "Ok. I can go to XXXX's. No big deal."

He then asked, "I'm happy for you. Do you like her?"

And I said, "Of course, XXXXX. Not to sound preachy at all, but I wouldn't have her over if I didn't like her. Some guys and gals can do that, but I really can't. Not wired that way."

He left a little in thought about that.


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## KillerClown

Scannerguard said:


> Well, I asked him and he smiled and said, "Ok. I can go to XXXX's. No big deal."
> 
> He then asked, "I'm happy for you. Do you like her?"
> 
> And I said, "Of course, XXXXX. Not to sound preachy at all, but I wouldn't have her over if I didn't like her. Some guys and gals can do that, but I really can't. Not wired that way."
> 
> He left a little in thought about that.


:thumbup:


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## NobodySpecial

Herschel said:


> Scram or put some earbuds in and turn the volume up to 11.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These knobs go to 11!


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## rockon

Sorry to TJ Scannerguard, but I saw the title and assumed it was SMG that started this.


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## BetrayedDad

poida said:


> Or you can show that it is healthy for adults to have sex and not feel like they have to hide it.
> It's a good lesson for him to be home, even if he hears you. That's life.


You think it's a good idea for a 19 yr old to hear his father screwing the father's girlfriend whom he just met?!?

Couldn't disagree more....... That's pretty sick.


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## Herschel

If your kid's name is XXXXX, then he is likely well aware of whatever it is you are going to do.


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## Herschel

BetrayedDad said:


> You think it's a good idea for a 19 yr old to hear his father screwing a girl the son just met?!?


By the way I read that sentence...that dad is hard core!


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## BetrayedDad

It's one thing for the 19 yr old to understand that his father has sexual needs.

It's quiet another to have him be in the next room listening. That's abhorrent and abusive.

Should he send the kid out to go pick up some rubbers for his old man too?

Perhaps high five him afterwards while she's in the bathroom cleaning up?

Just..... wow.


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## Blondilocks

Reread your sentence. It can be interpreted that the dad is doing the son's friend.


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## Scannerguard

Um, no, this is my friend. Um, no, I plan to have an empty house. He's scramming I decided.

Although. . .although, I'm not certain there is anything wrong with hanging a towel on the doorknob for code and having my gf sleep over. I recall my ex-wife had a friend and they would go camping with their parents when younger. At one point, the parents would throw the kids out and her friend would bang on the camper, "Hurry up in there!" to her mom and dad as they carried on. I remember while humorous, the kids were in awe how affectionate and active they were with each other, that maybe this is how a marriage SHOULD be.

So what's sick in that situation? The parents having sex?

But that's not the actual plan.

Ya know. . .you spoiled married parents take yours sex lives for granted. Try to step out of your married box. I mean I appreciate the separate single beds and all for Wally and the Beeve, but I'm not sure that's reality.


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## BetrayedDad

Blondilocks said:


> Reread your sentence. It can be interpreted that the dad is doing the son's friend.


I fixed the sentence. This is what I have a problem with....



> It's a good lesson for him to be home, even if he hears you. That's life.


I hope the OP is a decent guy who is considerate of his children. But the fact that this is being offered up as serious advice is disgusting.

Unless the plan is to turn the 19 yo into a sexual degenerate who only objectifies woman for his pleasure. Then that would be the route to go.


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## BetrayedDad

Scannerguard said:


> So what's sick in that situation? The parents having sex?


No, I'm sure he understands adults have sex. It should be taught to a 19 yo to be something private, special and an intimate expression of love shared exclusively between two people. You teach them values THEN hope they learn by example. Your number one job as parent is role model.

Not cheapened like listening to a porn video through the wall. Would you be happy to know if your son knew if she was a moaner or a screamer? Or is her blowjobs are extra sloppy? How much respect to you think she will have for her after that? 

Sad this has to be explained......


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## Buffon06

I have a 17 y/o son, and if I was i the OP's shoes, I would:

1.) Let him know that I was having a lady friend over to the house, and that she will likely be staying the night. Let the son decide if he wants to make plans to be elsewhere, or to stay in the house and keep a low profile and stay away from your bedroom. My guess is that sonny boy will elect to go somewhere else.

2.) Get a hotel room. I would consider it an investment in the relationship until other more permanent arrangements can be made.


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## Scannerguard

> Not cheapened like listening to a porn video through the wall. Would you be happy to know if your son knew if she was a moaner or a screamer? Or is her blowjobs are extra sloppy? How much respect to you think she will have for her after that?


Geez. I am flattered you think my performance is THAT good (and it is) but I can assure you we aren't in my bedroom to put on any auditory show.

What do you married folk do (it's been 6 years since I was married) with kids being in the house and sex?

Cover each other's mouths?

Get a hotel room?

Just curious how it works in your world.


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## Herschel

The kid is 19! He probably could give dad pointers (just a joke!). It's not like she is going to be screaming and the sex swing will break and the donkey and gimp get crushed! Jeez. It's your house. Pork whomever you want, discretely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel

Scannerguard said:


> Geez. I am flattered you think my performance is THAT good (and it is) but I can assure you we aren't in my bedroom to put on any auditory show.
> 
> What do you married folk do (it's been 6 years since I was married) with kids being in the house and sex?
> 
> Cover each other's mouths?
> 
> Get a hotel room?
> 
> Just curious how it works in your world.


Funny enough, my 9 year old was asking about me and my wife as we were taking about us splitting up. He was like, oh, is that what you were doing? Then he started making the noises. I couldn't stop laughing and cringing. Oh well. I remember asking my sister what that was when I was a kid. She said, mom stubbed her toe. How many times can she stub it, all night long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Scannerguard

I have an idea. . .I am going to make my contribution to the Married Folks here as an Ex-Married Folk and an actively involved Father.

Married Dads. . .I want you to go to your kids and tell them, "I have a hot woman coming over tomorrow tonight. She's got a killer bod and we've been getting hot and heavy over the last week with flirting and texting. I am so excited. My move is so smooth. . .get this. . .learn my move here - this works every time: I'm going to order in some Chinese, make Sangria for her, because she likes Sangria, flip on a movie and then get frisky with her about halfway through. Oh yeah. I'm scoring. She'll be putty in my arms.

That woman is *YOUR MOTHER.*

Now. . .I want you to SCRAM. . .all of you. Find some place to be. . .get on the phone to friends, grandma, get the backyard tent out, whatever. Let your mother know what you are doing and where."

You see, as fathers, we have a unique role - to inform our kids that in life and with the world, they aren't always going to be wanted, that they aren't always going to be the S**T at their jobs, in their social circle, whereever, and as of this moment - learn deal with it. Be independent.

Be scarce sometimes.

Kids need a Dear Old Dad to tell them this, don't you think? To reflect back on Dad when they are older. . .


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## Blondilocks

When my parents wanted to take a nap, we were to told to go outside and play so we wouldn't make noise in the house. Noisiest naps I ever heard.


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## BetrayedDad

Scannerguard said:


> Just curious how it works in your world.


Be discrete.


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## imtamnew

Which nineteen year old boy would not like a little money and a late night movie ticket with his friends.


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## Blondilocks

It's discreet, fellas.


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## ThaMatrix

He is 19. A grown man old enough to die in combat. Tell him you need a night alone he should be able to handle that.


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## Andy1001

ThaMatrix said:


> He is 19. A grown man old enough to die in combat. Tell him you need a night alone he should be able to handle that.


He's twenty now.


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## ThaMatrix

Then he already knows what it is. good luck with the lady.


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## arbitrator

Scannerguard said:


> Hey, BTW, thank you to all for welcoming divorced people at this forum. I did value my marriage very very deeply and still want to be a student in it.
> 
> Anyway, divorced 5 years now. . .my son is 19 living with me while he works a summer job. He's a good kid.
> 
> I feel my role as the divorced parent, the way it has worked out, is that my ex tends to be the "model parent". . .she immediately evolved to a relationship whereas I have shown my 3 boys how to "live single." I know my ex-wife and her guy, well, they sleep separately in the house but travel together whatnot. Show affection in front of the kids but that seems to be it. They are companions in every sense of the word though. My ex is pretty proper with conduct. Me, I have lived a "single life". . now, to be clear, I have hardly been promiscuous. . .in a monogamous relationship for 3 years. I was alone for 1 year, this last year. But I always thought it was a nice complement that my boys could see "How to be Married" (MOM) and "How to be Single" (DAD) because chances are. . .they'll be both in their life. (one of the very, very few advantages of divorced parents over married)
> 
> Anyway, I am being "waved in" here by my new squeeze.
> 
> My question: Is it in bad taste as a parent to ask my son to scram for a night like a buddy/roommate, that I have a woman coming over? Like I said he's been living with me. He does have friends he could go over for 1 night. He'll ask why and I am a bad liar.
> 
> I mean. . .I guess I have been kinda the "cool parent" in that they come to me for relationship/sex questions (not often, a couple of times) whereas she has been the asexual one, focusing on education and even discipline more. I am very careful though to when they compare me to her and say, "I"m not going to make her be the bad cop/bad guy here." I have talked about STD's, girls wanting to get pregnant young, and all that with them.
> 
> I guess we do play bad cop/good cop though with me as "good cop." It's probably a fair criticism and I have tried to change with that, but I tend to be too easy going.
> 
> But, well, I admit it feels a bit weird and like we are friends instead of parent/child.


*Only if you can help him in the planning of his personal activities, provided that he requires it!

Is there anything remotely wrong with going over to her pad, if perchance he has nowhere else that he can or that he really wants to go?*


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## Blondilocks

dup


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## Blondilocks

Andy1001 said:


> He's twenty now.


Picky, picky! Hell, they've probably already delivered a kid by now.


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## Married but Happy

If you're married, the kids have to accept whatever their parents do, and usually the parents are very discreet. Older kids know the score - they're almost certainly having sex themselves.

Just because it's someone you're dating really makes no difference. It might be questionable if it's a ONS, but if there is any kind of relationship between the two, it is *normal *to have a date/gf over.


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## Morgiana

Let me get this straight... People think that having sex with an adult child in the house is bad? Really? He's already qualified that he likes this lady and isn't prone to promiscuous sex. Just because there is a child, he shouldn't engage in sex? How did people ever have younger siblings...

I think that Dad already did the best thing by having the talk about this gal being special to him. Looks like he's portraying a healthy adult relationship to his child. Keep clothed and PG in the shared space, have her bite a pillow if she's loud, but gosh darn. Hearing your parents bang the headboard doesn't turn you into a sex freak, and neither will it cause a 20-yr old harm. Get him better headphones if his are bad .

Ack, just realized how old this thread was, sorry for resurrecting.


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