# ED issues and husband not worried about his own orgasm



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

So, my husband is seeing his doctor very soon for ED issues. We've been away for the weekend and tried a little action.

I can get him hard quite easily. The erection collapses when we try penetration. Part of the problem is that he is seriously overweight and whatever position we try it involves him hoisting his belly around. I think that the palaver of him doing that (I suspect coupled with a certain amount of self-consciousness about the necessary manoeuvres, though he would deny that) rather dampens the moment.

He is working on the weight loss and pills may help him sustain the erection.

Each time we have tried, and failed, to have PIV sex we have done other things and I have generally been fairly well satisfied. Which is great on one level. However when we were chatting afterwards he was asking me how important PIV sex actually is, given that there are other things we can do. One of the things I said was that whilst there are many other things that satisfy me, I want him to be able to orgasm too. At which point he just said that that had been off the agenda for years and that I shouldn't worry about his pleasure. That he enjoys pleasuring me and is happy to do so. Whatever I do to him he likes but he doesn't think an orgasm will come.

When we had a near bust up recently and the sex finally got discussed he said that he still finds me attractive but that he has just totally lost interest in sex. He does not masturbate, although after our discussion he said he did try just to see if he could even get any sort of erection. Which he could, but he didn't finish.

On the one hand I am grateful and happy that we are trying to get our sex life back on some sort of track and that he is prepared to help me out. But a big part of my pleasure in sex is giving pleasure, so I am finding it quite hard to handle the notion that it's somehow become all about me and my pleasure. He's not a very sensual person so it's not like I can just give him lots of lovely massage or anything like that, because he doesn't like it and never has done. BJs, hand jobs and PIV are pretty much all that he likes.

I'd really value input from anyone who has dealt with this type of issue; either as a female trying to combat feelings of inadequacy or as a male who has dealt with loss of libido but still tries to please his wife/girlfriend.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Was he ever a more ideal weight for his body size?

It is true, if you are heavier that your body self image is going to be lower, and you know how these ED issues can be cyclical... So once you start thinking about it you are toast.

It sounds like you care about him and not going to look at him negatively during this phase.

But it's just going to be easier for him to drop body fat, for the next several months, until he is closer to a body image that's good on his frame.

He's also going to have a side benefit of higher testosterone levels, because body fat is estrogenic...

I would not worry about the ED thing for a while, perhaps commit to oral for now, NO pressure oral just for fun while he's dropping the weight.

He can drop 10-15 lbs a month, with a clean diet and excercise and cutting out alcohol. In three months thats's 30-45 lbs, and he's going to feel alot better about himself.

Keep the erection thing NO pressure and the sex fun.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Due to eating healthy, no sugar, no alcohols, weights and lots of cardio, daily, the weight will come off. For some it is quick and easy and for others it takes longer, but the end result is much better health, higher sex drive, stamina, confidence and everything else that flows from being in good shape.

Not that I'm knocking your hubby, but he shouldn't of let himself go in the first place!!!

Foods that spike insulin and lead to more fat storage are sugars. Low sugar diet, no pops, no juices, no sweets, no chocolates bars, etc. Drink water and have fruit.

He could be LD due to his size and physical limitations with frustrations but when the weight is gone, he should be HD.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

CuddleBug said:


> Due to eating healthy, no sugar, no alcohols, weights and lots of cardio, daily, the weight will come off. For some it is quick and easy and for others it takes longer, but the end result is much better health, higher sex drive, stamina, confidence and everything else that flows from being in good shape.
> 
> Not that I'm knocking your hubby, but he shouldn't of let himself go in the first place!!!
> 
> ...


She put it into words. Outside of the sex life, he's going to have a benefit of increased energy, more confidence and more happiness... If he has problems with stress, the workout will drain the stress. He's going to feel alot better about himself and the world will be a better place for him.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

He and I are both keenly aware of the benefits a reduction in wieght and increase in energy will bring.

I myself did let myself go a bit over the last few years (we are married over 20 years; I am mid 40s he is mid 50s) and I have recently lost over 50 pounds with max 25 more to go before I am at ideal weight. He has put on 140 pounds over the years we have been married so that tells its own story, since he was not stick thin to begin with.

My main issue is with the mental side of all of this. The physical (and emotional piggy backed onto the increased energy etc) we know about (but thanks to all for the validation of how much it will help us) and are making a big effort to address, though it can be easier said than done.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Of course, some of this may be mental ... he expects it to happen and therefore it does. If he's more worried about maintaining his erection, or pleasing you than pleasing himself then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Increasing his testosterone and therefore sex-drive, whether done medically or naturally through good diet and exercise will not only help with the physical aspects of ED, if there are any in his case, but he will have more confidence and drive and the problem will resolve itself.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Of course, some of this may be mental ... he expects it to happen and therefore it does. If he's more worried about maintaining his erection, or pleasing you than pleasing himself then it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
> 
> Increasing his testosterone and therefore sex-drive, whether done medically or naturally through good diet and exercise will not only help with the physical aspects of ED, if there are any in his case, but he will have more confidence and drive and the problem will resolve itself.


If I could accept that the weight gain ( 140 lbs ) is likely my true problem, i would attack that before even worrying about ED. He's going to have to work out every single day for a year. It can be one hour walks, take out alcohol and a clean diet with enough calories for someone SMALLER than he is. So he's going to be hungry for a while, till he gets used to it. It's going to take 3 weeks or so, and the body will be burning off the fat stores.

The amount of weight he has could be life threatening.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> If I could accept that the weight gain ( 140 lbs ) is likely my true problem, i would attack that before even worrying about ED. He's going to have to work out every single day for a year. It can be one hour walks, take out alcohol and a clean diet with enough calories for someone SMALLER than he is. So he's going to be hungry for a while, till he gets used to it. It's going to take 3 weeks or so, and the body will be burning off the fat stores.
> 
> The amount of weight he has could be life threatening.


Absolutely. My wife is more overweight than that and it is a discussion I've had over and over with her. 

He can do it. Just as an example, I have 3 guys on my team at work who were approaching 400lbs each. A little over two years ago, one of them got serious about diet and exercise and lost a dramatic amount of weight; that was followed by another one who used him as an inspiration and then the third. They all used myfitnesspal to track their diet and devoted themselves in the gym. Each of them have dropped between 150 to 200lbs. The first one has just completed his second marathon, the second one recently completed his first marathon and the third one just completed a half-marathon. It can be done. All of them lost the majority of the weight within a year and all of them have kept going.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Absolutely. My wife is more overweight than that and it is a discussion I've had over and over with her.
> 
> He can do it. Just as an example, I have 3 guys on my team at work who were approaching 400lbs each. A little over two years ago, one of them got serious about diet and exercise and lost a dramatic amount of weight; that was followed by another one who used him as an inspiration and then the third. They all used myfitnesspal to track their diet and devoted themselves in the gym. Each of them have dropped between 150 to 200lbs. The first one has just completed his second marathon, the second one recently completed his first marathon and the third one just completed a half-marathon. It can be done. All of them lost the majority of the weight within a year and all of them have kept going.


Does your wife know about it? That is a great inspiration.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Does your wife know about it? That is a great inspiration.


Yes, she does. She's met them. I can't understand what her thought process is. It is a great inspiration; there are a number of people at our company who are following in their footsteps and they were interviewed on stage at our national convention in front of several thousand people over 3 days. Our CEO has lost 90 lbs in the last year and she directly credits them for inspiring her. Actually, I feel a little pride in this because when the first guy started this, he came to me to help him design a weight lifting program. I went to the gym with him the first couple of times to walk him through it; little did I know what would happen from there.


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