# Pretty sure OM dumped her, don't feel as happy as I thought I would



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Little backstory. In January (near my birthday no less) I get the ILYBINILWY speech from my STBXW. We separated that day, have been ever since. Divorce filed 4/12/12. Found out through her little brother that she's been sleeping with a guy at her work she liked for at least 1.5 months now, if not more. I've been faithful.

I confronted her about it because she's been dumping our 2 kids with people to spend time with him when it's her time to have them. I thought that was wrong. She didn't know I knew until then.

Last Sunday when she came to pick up our youngest daughter was the first time we saw each other since I found out and confronted her. She looked...sad. Depressed. Maybe ashamed. She could barely look at my face. I acted completely normal. At this point I'm fairly numb to everything she's done. I find out today from one of our mutual friends that she's been awfully quiet lately and not saying much to anybody at work. My gut tells me OM dumped her...he's in an open marriage, and I guess told her it would only be a fling. Don't know if she has genuine feelings for the guy or not. I'm not hoping for and don't want R.

I guess the point of this thread is to say that finding out she got dumped, and therefore some of her comeuppance, didn't make me happy like I thought it would. It made me sad instead. Not because I feel bad for her (which I don't), but sad that this is what she threw away our family for. I can't help but ask, was it worth it? I'm full 180 now, have been for a while, so there's no way I'll ask her that now.

I'm just surprised that I wasn't jumping up and down for joy like I thought I would be. I wasn't expecting this reaction. Anybody else have this same experience?


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

Because the reaction you experienced is one of a morally strong, emotionally mature person.

These types of people take no joy in others misery.

It says more about your character that you do not feel that way.

That is the thing about WS, 95+% of the time, the grass is not greener, the fantasy is not reality and everything comes crashing down.

The "omg what I have I dones" end up being the worst feeling in the world.

You show character taking no joy from seeing that. You should be proud of that trait. There is no reason to question it.


----------



## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

My x was dumped by BF # 5, I did feel sorry for her but I got a bunch of good laughes out of it. I'm sure he was @ the house while I was still there and if she gave her family up for him??...Oh boy, she needs help!!
Mouse


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> Little backstory. In January (near my birthday no less) I get the ILYBINILWY speech from my STBXW. We separated that day, have been ever since. Divorce filed 4/12/12. Found out through her little brother that she's been sleeping with a guy at her work she liked for at least 1.5 months now, if not more. I've been faithful.
> 
> I confronted her about it because she's been dumping our 2 kids with people to spend time with him when it's her time to have them. I thought that was wrong. She didn't know I knew until then.
> 
> ...


Despite being a cheating lying ****, you have a history and two kids with this woman. It is very normal not to be overjoyed by the troubles of others especially if you are not emotionally involved with that person. You have accepted and moved on. What she does or doesn't do no longer has a major effect on you. That is a good thing by the way.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How old are the kids? How is her relationship with them?


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Because the reaction you experienced is one of a morally strong, emotionally mature person.
> 
> These types of people take no joy in others misery.
> 
> ...


Wow. Thank you very much for your kind words, I greatly appreciate it. That made my day. 

I honestly don't know if she feels any remorse or guilt about what she has done. I hope she would, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.

On the plus side, I have my first date tonight since the separation. Reconnected with a real cool girl from high school; missed out on a good opportunity back in the day, don't want to miss out on it now.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

keko said:


> How old are the kids? How is her relationship with them?


10 year old stepdaughter from a previous marriage, and a 4 year old biological daughter. Her relationship with them was pretty good before the separation. But since the PA started, I honestly have no clue. Except for the knowledge that she was pawning them off on people, which frankly tells me a lot.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> 10 year old stepdaughter from a previous marriage, and a 4 year old biological daughter. Her relationship with them was pretty good before the separation. But since the PA started, I honestly have no clue. Except for the knowledge that she was pawning them off on people, which frankly tells me a lot.


WTH? Can you keep the kids longer with yourself? This is going to be horrible for them.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

keko said:


> WTH? Can you keep the kids longer with yourself? This is going to be horrible for them.


Trying. Almost got her to agree to a 43/57 parenting plan, but she ended up resisting after I confronted her about the A and refused to sign it after she said it would. I lawyered up right after that, but she doesn't know that yet. Although, she will next week when she gets the papers from my lawyer in the mail.

She's gonna hit the roof when she sees my response to the petition. I won't settle for anything less than my parenting plan.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Keep us updated how it turns out.

Also go on dadsdivorce.com to see some tips on how to get more custody/parenting time, plenty of useful help over there.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

keko said:


> Keep us updated how it turns out.
> 
> Also go on dadsdivorce.com to see some tips on how to get more custody/parenting time, plenty of useful help over there.


Thanks for the tip, much appreciated.  Will do!

A part of me can't help but think that she may try to pull the "I'm sorry for what I did, can't we try again?" card when she gets it. I dunno. She's been so erratic lately that I just can't pin her down. We'll see, I guess.

This site is a godsend, and so are the people in it.  I'd give you all medals if I could.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> Thanks for the tip, much appreciated.  Will do!
> 
> A part of me can't help but think that she may try to pull the "I'm sorry for what I did, can't we try again?" card when she gets it. I dunno. She's been so erratic lately that I just can't pin her down. We'll see, I guess.
> 
> This site is a godsend, and so are the people in it.  I'd give you all medals if I could.


You can start by preparing your responses to each question she may ask but even then its not worth having THAT conversation to begin with. Good luck!!


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> Wow. Thank you very much for your kind words, I greatly appreciate it. That made my day.
> 
> I honestly don't know if she feels any remorse or guilt about what she has done. I hope she would, but in the end, it doesn't really matter.
> 
> On the plus side, I have my first date tonight since the separation. Reconnected with a real cool girl from high school; missed out on a good opportunity back in the day, don't want to miss out on it now.


At the risk of enciting wrath....

All my high school girls are sooooo much better looking now!

go have some fun!!


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> At the risk of enciting wrath....
> 
> All my high school girls are sooooo much better looking now!
> 
> go have some fun!!


No wrath, just a good laugh. 

This girl was hot in high school, and she's still hot now. Meow.

I will, thanks.  Just a low key dinner at Denny's (her idea, believe it or not! She's not big into the whole "romance" thing) and then a nice walk around town chatting. Jeans and a tshirt for both of us, no fancy shmancy fake stuff that happens a lot when dating. Two real people talking and getting to know each other again.

Sounds fabulous.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> No wrath, just a good laugh.
> 
> This girl was hot in high school, and she's still hot now. Meow.
> 
> ...


Dude Denny's??

Is the Cracker Barrel in town closed for renos?


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Dude Denny's??
> 
> Is the Cracker Barrel in town closed for renos?


I know, I kinda thought the same thing. lol But hey, she suggested it, says she really likes it there, so I said sure why not?

Don't really care where we go, as long as we get to chat and get to know each other again.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I know, I kinda thought the same thing. lol But hey, she suggested it, says she really likes it there, so I said sure why not?
> 
> Don't really care where we go, as long as we get to chat and get to know each other again.


true.

and could be worse she could have suggested Wendy's drive thru.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

TFG,

It sounds like your wife has blown up her relationship with the kids as well as your marriage.

I am glad you lawyered up. Your head is definitely on straight.

Take care of the kids.

I hope your date was fun and the conversation was enjoyable.

You deserve it.

Stay strong and I will say a prayer that your wife's head falls out of her butt. Oh and yes, your wife does realize that Mr. Swinger "Open Marriage" POSOM just used her for sex. How very bright of her.

Glad you are moving on.

Just remember "YOU ARE NOT HER PLAN B"!

HM64


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I know, I kinda thought the same thing. lol But hey, she suggested it, says she really likes it there, so I said sure why not?
> 
> Don't really care where we go, as long as we get to chat and get to know each other again.


When you're at Denny's, order the Grand Slam! It will send a nice subliminal message to her. LOL!

I know how you are feeling friend. My STBXW's OM has dumped her to stay with his wife. My ex's response? She's moving to California to be close to him to be his mistress and try to break up his marriage. I'm working with the OMW to thwart it, but it is so sad to me how deluded my ex has become. She is grasping for something that is not real. I don't know her anymore... She has become a complete stranger to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> TFG,
> 
> It sounds like your wife has blown up her relationship with the kids as well as your marriage.
> 
> ...


I basically had to blow the lid on stbxw's affair to get her to spend time with our 10 year old on the weekends. Pissed me off.

Thanks, but unfortunately the date had to be canceled. My date's daughter's father fell through on watching their kid, and she was PISSED. lol But it was okay, we stayed up until the wee hours chatting on Facebook instead. Made new plans to see each other very soon.

I've definitely hit the moving on bandwagon. I'm pretty sure it's hit stbxw now that she has nobody. And like I said before, that thought brings me no satisfaction...just makes me kinda sad. I just hope I don't hear from her soon about wanting to R, because a part of me think that I will very soon, especially with tomorrow being Mother's Day and all. Not gonna say a word to her about MD either.

Nope, I ain't nobody's plan B. You got that right my friend. 

Bandit...just wow. From what I hear, my stbxw has realized that whatever fling she had with OM is over, based on her actions anyway. They work together, and I guess she's been very quiet at work and hasn't been saying much to anybody. But I can't imagine what you must be going through...a part of me thinks that maybe she knows that she's blown it with you so badly that the OM is all she has left? Maybe that's why she's trying so hard? I dunno. But I wish you good luck.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I basically had to blow the lid on stbxw's affair to get her to spend time with our 10 year old on the weekends. Pissed me off.
> 
> Thanks, but unfortunately the date had to be canceled. My date's daughter's father fell through on watching their kid, and she was PISSED. lol But it was okay, we stayed up until the wee hours chatting on Facebook instead. Made new plans to see each other very soon.
> 
> ...


Yep that's exactly why. She knows there's no coming back. I told her eighteen years ago after first affair that she would never get another chance if she did it again. 

Well, she did it again and she's reaping my promise to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Make sure when your wife has her breakdown and comes crawling back to let us know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Make sure when your wife has her breakdown and comes crawling back to let us know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah. Karma bus/train stories always give me the feeling that the Universe does have a way of paying back in kind. You reap what you sow.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> Yeah. Karma bus/train stories always give me the feeling that the Universe does have a way of paying back in kind. You reap what you sow.


You guys got it, will do.  She's a stubborn woman, but I have this feeling that cracks in her armor are starting to develop.

She cares what I think of her. I know this. When I was basically calling her out on being a bad parent, she trotted out all these things that she does and tried to downplay everything. It actually bothers her when I have a negative opinion of her. And now that I know of the affair, she knows I have the worst opinion towards her of all...even though the only aspects of the affair I brought to her attention were the ones that caused her to not be spending quality time with our children. Not once did I say "You're cheating on me" or "how could you?" or anything like that. I didn't need to say it. And the fact that it went unsaid tells her more than if I had.

My, what a tangled web they weave.


----------



## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

you're better off without her. 

why would you want her back after a swinger rejected her? this jackass basically used her body, and she allowed it. she disrespected you, your marriage, and herself for the sole purpose of giving this guy sexual gratification.

good riddance.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your a good dude TFG, I think you are in for a fun summer, Don't let your STBXW bring you down.

It takes fire to make steel and I think you've been burned enough to get through any crap you STBXW throws your way in the near future.

I suggest if any one wants to give you any more information about your wife you cut them off and inform them that you moving on and don't need to hear it.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Make sure when your wife has her breakdown and comes crawling back to let us know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Truth.


Also I'm gonna go with my old standby.

When she does come crawling back... and she most likely will.

Have a dictionary on hand... open to the page with the word consequences on it.


All you really have to say.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> Little backstory. In January (near my birthday no less) I get the ILYBINILWY speech from my STBXW. We separated that day, have been ever since. Divorce filed 4/12/12. Found out through her little brother that she's been sleeping with a guy at her work she liked for at least 1.5 months now, if not more. I've been faithful.
> 
> I confronted her about it because she's been dumping our 2 kids with people to spend time with him when it's her time to have them. I thought that was wrong. She didn't know I knew until then.
> 
> ...


You are just making the assumption she is sad about getting dumped. Did she know the POSOM was a swinger, is that common knowledge?

I would think her sadness was caused by the reality of what she ha done to you and her family. You should ask her. Text her and say, you looked like hell when you came over whats up with that?


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She will regret what she has done the rest of her life---for some cheap tawdry sex, she sentenced her kids to a life of split homes, split parents, which is not necessarily bad, but let's admit, it ain't what it should be

She will also now be on her own---there are no more YOU'S out there---what she will have is guys like she just screwed around with---guys who want to use her for cheap sex, guys who will wanna live off of her, guys who are drunks, druggies, criminals, abusers----it you are in a small population area, and she has some age on her---it gets even tougher, to find a good decent male partner---she knows what she has done to herself

She also knows that she is now gonna work a whole lot harder just to make ends meet, cuz now she has to finance herself completely---she won't have you there to help her make it thru

She knows she has F'up big time---question is even if you will not take her back---does she have the guts/courage to come crawling back, and even admit she F'up, and destroyed everything that once was dear/precious to her---who knows maybe her family wasn't so dear/precious to her

Good luck, and stand tall---you will be better off, and you will keep your peace of mind, and carefree life---hers is long gone!!!!!


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's also gotta be humiliating for her to be dumped by a sleazy guy in an open marriage. I mean he's a totally moral less piece of human trash - and she wasn't good enough for even him.

That says a lot about her.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Chapparal, you are right. It is an assumption that she is sad about getting dumped. She knew the OM was in an open marriage, we all did, and that it wouldn't last forever. But I also know how women think...they think things like "Oh, I can get him to leave his wife. All I have to do is screw him really hard and really well and he'll want to be with me." I'm sure she had some feelings for the guy. I can "hope" her sadness is caused by the reality of what she has done, but she's such a self-centered individual that it's hard for me to picture it. I can't text her, I'm in full blown 180 mode. Have been for over a month now. And TBH, at this point I don't really care. Her issues are her issues and I just don't give a damn. 

jnj... Yep, what she did screwed with the kids. Screwed with her finances, and let's face it, screwed with mine as well...although I'm bouncing back fairly well. I'm managing to keep my house through a combination of strict budgeting and a little bit of help from family members. She went to her family to borrow money to help "move" when she really spent it all on ****ty clothes. Pretty much now her family has ostracized her. She really has no one. I dunno...maybe the gravity of what she's done really has set in.

I know I'm better off without her. My sister just yesterday asked me if I would take her back and I said HELL NO. How could I ever trust her again after something like this? Trust is irrevocably broken and lost. And I don't see her working to try and fix it...that's just not in her nature.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are serious---tomorrow---go to the bank, put all marital finances, in an acct., with your name ONLY on it---cancel all her CC's---tell her until the D. is finalized---she is still responsible for her half of all marital debt, make her responsible solely, for the vehicle she drives---payments/gas/repairs/insurance---tell her she needs to get her own medical ins.----let her have a taste of REAL REALITY---let her know what life will be like, now that she has turned her back on you, and her own kids


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Already done all that. Finances split, she's got her bills, I got mine. The only $ I give her is child support. If she has trouble paying her bills, that's her problem. And she knows I won't help her. I told her over a month ago that she needs to take full financial responsibility for herself and her possessions. She didn't take kindly to that, but it's the truth.

What I think really got to her is the fact that I'm moving back into our house on my own. Buying my own furniture, painting the inside, making it my own. She saw that last Sunday, and I don't think she liked it. I think when she saw that, it really sunk in that I can never take her back after what she did and that I'm preparing for my life without her, and that it doesn't bother me. On the contrary, I'm happier without her in my life. My family has said that ever since I let to of her, I became my old self again. Fun, light hearted, outgoing, sociable... And I do feel like my old self again. Yes, there is a degree of hurt and pain still left, but it's manageable. And getting smaller every day. 

I actually love my life. And it'll only get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> I basically had to blow the lid on stbxw's affair to get her to spend time with our 10 year old on the weekends. Pissed me off.
> 
> Thanks, but unfortunately the date had to be canceled. My date's daughter's father fell through on watching their kid, and she was PISSED. lol But it was okay, we stayed up until the wee hours chatting on Facebook instead. Made new plans to see each other very soon.
> 
> ...


You will hear from her again. 

My husband still was to reconcile again. I would be a fool to try Reconciliation again because so many lies continued after the first R.

He just doesn't get that it's not so much the affair although that is a big part of it, it's all the lies and deception. The secret bank accounts, the large withdrawals of cash, using men's trips as a cover for tryst, lying to my face and doing it so damn convincingly, the going to a men's club right in the middle of a good R.

In any case, the fact that your date wants to go to denny's is a good thing. It means she doesn't want you to spend a lot of money on her until she can discern whether or not she could have a serious relationship with you. IMO, that's the sign of a good person


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

jnj express said:


> She will regret what she has done the rest of her life---for some cheap tawdry sex, she sentenced her kids to a life of split homes, split parents, which is not necessarily bad, but let's admit, it ain't what it should be
> 
> She will also now be on her own---there are no more YOU'S out there---what she will have is guys like she just screwed around with---guys who want to use her for cheap sex, guys who will wanna live off of her, guys who are drunks, druggies, criminals, abusers----it you are in a small population area, and she has some age on her---it gets even tougher, to find a good decent male partner---she knows what she has done to herself
> 
> ...


She will be okay financially, so don't get too much satisfaction out of this. 

I know men whose wife's cheated and they still get alimony and rehabilitation for a new career. 

It depends on the state, how long you have been married and such. 

She will land on her feet. And, don't forget the guys finances are screwed up, too. 

As for finding someone else, she will.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Yeah, I have a feeling I'll hear from her again...especially when she gets my response to the divorce petition. I'm thinking she'll probably wet herself. I know for a fact that she won't be expecting what she'll be getting, and it'll tell her that I'm playing hardball and that I'm serious about divorcing. Which I am. Don't wanna be with her, don't wanna R, just wanna be free. But I have this nagging suspicion that she'll want to try R, and say "Oh, there's no reason to do this, can't we try again?" or some other such nonsense. The only she could ever truly learn to appreciate me is to not have me in her life. And even then I still don't believe I could take her back. She's toxic to me.

In my state, it's no fault. She won't get alimony or anything like that, my attorney has pretty much told me as much and I believe him. Child support, yes. And if I get my parenting plan, which I have a strong feeling that I will, she'll be getting around $437/month from me. So she won't be living high on the hog. I could afford that and be happy; I'd have my 4 year old daughter close to 50% of the time, my stbxw would be out of my life, and I'd be back in my house by myself with my new life.

I'm sure she'll find someone else. But she's got some baggage though. Two failed marriages, and two kids by two different ex husbands, all before the age of 30. I just don't see her being in any kind of a meaningful relationship...it's just not in her nature.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> Yeah, I have a feeling I'll hear from her again...especially when she gets my response to the divorce petition. I'm thinking she'll probably wet herself. I know for a fact that she won't be expecting what she'll be getting, and it'll tell her that I'm playing hardball and that I'm serious about divorcing. Which I am. Don't wanna be with her, don't wanna R, just wanna be free. But I have this nagging suspicion that she'll want to try R, and say "Oh, there's no reason to do this, can't we try again?" or some other such nonsense. The only she could ever truly learn to appreciate me is to not have me in her life. And even then I still don't believe I could take her back. She's toxic to me.
> 
> In my state, it's no fault. She won't get alimony or anything like that, my attorney has pretty much told me as much and I believe him. Child support, yes. And if I get my parenting plan, which I have a strong feeling that I will, she'll be getting around $437/month from me. So she won't be living high on the hog. I could afford that and be happy; I'd have my 4 year old daughter close to 50% of the time, my stbxw would be out of my life, and I'd be back in my house by myself with my new life.
> 
> *I'm sure she'll find someone else. But she's got some baggage though. Two failed marriages, and two kids by two different ex husbands, all before the age of 30. I just don't see her being in any kind of a meaningful relationship...it's just not in her nature.*


Oh she will be the belle of the ball with that resume....


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

^^^Agreed.

From personal experience, a woman with that much history is only good for a couple of overnights and thats about it.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

LOL! Thank you both for providing me with a big chuckle just now.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

If I were you TFG I would be absolutely giddy when she comes to me and says....


"But...But... I dont understand why this is happening to me???"


It would be release the hounds time.... :rofl:


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> If I were you TFG I would be absolutely giddy when she comes to me and says....
> 
> 
> "But...But... I dont understand why this is happening to me???"
> ...


I do believe that she never thought for a second I'd grow a pair and stand up to her. For most of our marriage, I never did. I just rolled over. And now that we're separated, and have been for a while, I've slowly distanced myself and began living my life on my own. And realizing that I don't have to do anything to make her happy...her happiness is no longer my concern. THAT'S why it's happening to her.

She's a classic cake eater. And I'm denying her that. I honestly can't pin her down though. One day she seems sad and ashamed, and the next she's the Wicked Witch of the West. I feel like she's forced me to lawyer up and essentially kick her in the gut (metaphorically speaking). I wanted this to be amicable; I wanted this to be smooth. But she has fought and stalled every step of the way, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. 

I just want her to GO AWAY.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

speaking from here, I'm glad you are sad for the situtiation. It shows your maturity and growth from having gone thru the fire, and came out whole. WELL DONE DUDE. You will be fine.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Part of her behavior is due in part (IMO) to her belief that you caused this. I believe that she is blameshifting. In many cheater's mind they justify the A as being due to issues in the marriage. In your case she looks at you as the cause. It is your fault. She also feels shame for what she did. Only my opinion, but that is the reason she is going back and forth emotionally. Shame and guilt one time and then she gets on a power kick and says, that bastard made me do this and he deserves it and I am entitled to having fun and excitement in my life.

For me, I am not wired like you. Some days I wish I was. In your case your wife has not shown remorse (mine did). Had mine done what your's has done I would not be in R. By that I mean continuing the relationship. That would have been way too much for me and I would have walked away. 

Like another has said you are showing maturity and strength.

Keep this in mind. You wanted things to be congenial in D. I suspects she hates you. You are in the process of breaking up her fantasy and her life of unicorns and rainbows have turned into thorns and a mangy donkey. She blames you. 

Stay strong. Keep her at a distance and don't give her the honor of seeing you break down.

Sorry you are here. I just want you to know that some folks who appear strong break down. I don't know you but be careful and know it can happen to the best of us. Take it from a combat Veteran. I was very strong but the shi* has hit me hard and my wife's betrayal (we are in R) has hit me harder. I do therapy for combat Veterans. Some were whimps but most of the guys I see were tough guys. Some are cops, truck drivers, plumbers, etc and most are from Philly. They all have broken down in my office. You may not go there but if you do don't do it in front of her.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> speaking from here, I'm glad you are sad for the situtiation. It shows your maturity and growth from having gone thru the fire, and came out whole. WELL DONE DUDE. You will be fine.


Thank you. I really appreciate it. 

I've been scoping out TAM for quite a while. I see people struggling, and I empathize because I've been there. I've run the gamut of emotions and doing stupid things. But there is light at the end of the tunnel; life does go on, and in my case, it's for the better that she's gone.

Plus I met someone INCREDIBLE. That sure helps a lot. :smthumbup:


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Part of her behavior is due in part (IMO) to her belief that you caused this. I believe that she is blameshifting. In many cheater's mind they justify the A as being due to issues in the marriage. In your case she looks at you as the cause. It is your fault. She also feels shame for what she did. Only my opinion, but that is the reason she is going back and forth emotionally. Shame and guilt one time and then she gets on a power kick and says, that bastard made me do this and he deserves it and I am entitled to having fun and excitement in my life.
> 
> For me, I am not wired like you. Some days I wish I was. In your case your wife has not shown remorse (mine did). Had mine done what your's has done I would not be in R. By that I mean continuing the relationship. That would have been way too much for me and I would have walked away.
> 
> ...


I can definitely see the blameshifting. That makes perfect sense. Frankly, she can blameshift all she wants. If it helps her sleep better at night, then hey...she can go for it. Either way, the outcome will be the same: D.

I do also believe that she does feel some shame for what she did. When I saw her a week ago Sunday, that was the first time we saw each other after I truly found out. She could barely look me in the face, and did not look comfortable.

Wired like me? Not sure what you mean there.

I'm not sure if she'll ever show remorse. That's not her nature. I think she'll feel it, but she'll never show it...at least to me. She's too proud. And even if she did show me true remorse, I honestly can't see it making any difference.

I haven't spoken to her since that last Sunday. No emails, no texts, nothing. Not even a "Happy Mother's Day."

I've had my moments, but they're becoming fewer and far between. I suspect that the battle will continue, but I've got a strong network of family and friends there to help me, whereas she pretty much has no one. I consider myself lucky.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> I can definitely see the blameshifting. That makes perfect sense. Frankly, she can blameshift all she wants. If it helps her sleep better at night, then hey...she can go for it. Either way, the outcome will be the same: D.
> 
> I do also believe that she does feel some shame for what she did. When I saw her a week ago Sunday, that was the first time we saw each other after I truly found out. She could barely look me in the face, and did not look comfortable.
> 
> ...


What I meant by being wired like you was referring to guys that can come to a point of just walking away and staying strong in the process. I became a mess. Started drinking and letting my anger get the best of me. For me part of this is that I rent an apartment during the week and am home only on weekends and that played a big part in that my mind would invent things that were not happening and I was going bonkers, while my wife was trying to work things out and what she got was pent up anger when I came home.


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> Thank you. I really appreciate it.
> 
> I've been scoping out TAM for quite a while. I see people struggling, and I empathize because I've been there. I've run the gamut of emotions and doing stupid things. But there is light at the end of the tunnel; life does go on, and in my case, it's for the better that she's gone.
> 
> *Plus I met someone INCREDIBLE. That sure helps a lot. *:smthumbup:


Ex high school friends dating at Denny's for $1000 Alex


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Just a word of caution. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion unless you have proof positive that OM has dumped her. This could merely be a bump in their affair and they're laying low or going a little NC for a while. This happens in affairs. Just read the threads in their forum.

Affair Discussion Forum • View forum - General Affair Discussion


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

"Answer: This is the girl who came onto you when you were 18 and working together at Arby's, but we're too young and inexperienced to accept the offer."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Just a word of caution. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion unless you have proof positive that OM has dumped her. This could merely be a bump in their affair and they're laying low or going a little NC for a while. This happens in affairs. Just read the threads in their forum.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View forum - General Affair Discussion


That's very possible. But at this point I honestly don't care. I don't want to save my marriage. I want it over. I want her gone. Her true colors have shown and I can't bring myself to care about her anymore.

I know that OM wasn't going to be in a fling with her forever. A mutual friend told me that a couple weeks ago she already noticed him distancing himself from her. I guess his wife is having health problems and he's gotta be around for her more.

Whatever. It doesn't matter anymore. I have my life, I enjoy it, I have a cool girl that I've been chatting with who is open spending time together...I can't see how any of this is a bad thing for me. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> That's very possible. But at this point I honestly don't care. I don't want to save my marriage. I want it over. I want her gone. Her true colors have shown and I can't bring myself to care about her anymore.
> 
> I know that OM wasn't going to be in a fling with her forever. A mutual friend told me that a couple weeks ago she already noticed him distancing himself from her. I guess his wife is having health problems and he's gotta be around for her more.
> 
> ...


Knuckle bump! Give it up!


----------



## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

toolforgrowth said:


> "Answer: This is the girl who came onto you when you were 18 and working together at Arby's, but we're too young and inexperienced to accept the offer."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Welllll let's not make the same mistake twice shall we?? :rofl:


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> Just a word of caution. I wouldn't jump to that conclusion unless you have proof positive that OM has dumped her. This could merely be a bump in their affair and they're laying low or going a little NC for a while. This happens in affairs. Just read the threads in their forum.
> 
> Affair Discussion Forum • View forum - General Affair Discussion


Wow. That website almost made me gag. Purely sickening. 

And there are people who live like that. Disgusting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

toolforgrowth said:


> Wow. That website almost made me gag. Purely sickening.
> 
> And there are people who live like that. Disgusting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've read a few. I can't believe the women believe the man they are cheating with actually have feelings for them. 

I read one a couple of days ago in the after dday section. Those are the ones that made me see red. One b!tch was making fun of her husband for taking her back. She said she showed him what kind of person she was and the dumbass still took her back. Of course she is still cheating.


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Well, I know that she got my response to her petition from my attorney. My copy was sent to her by mistake due to a forwarding issue from USPS. In my daughter's overnight bag, she had it in there with a sticky note that said "I received this by mistake. Please send to me any mail you have for me as well. Thank you."

She tries this when the going gets tough. She'll be all nice and cordial, thinking it'll let my guard down.

I have a feeling I just metaphorically knocked her upside the head. Haven't heard anything else from her yet...that's cuz I'm thinking she has no idea what to do, and is totally thrown for a loop. I have to admit...I'm loving thinking about that.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

chapparal said:


> I've read a few. I can't believe the women believe the man they are cheating with actually have feelings for them.
> 
> I read one a couple of days ago in the after dday section. Those are the ones that made me see red. One b!tch was making fun of her husband for taking her back. She said she showed him what kind of person she was and the dumbass still took her back. Of course she is still cheating.


Was that lady's name Bernice? Was she latina?

Oh crap....


----------



## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

All quiet on the western front. 

When she came to pick up our daughters yesterday, she was normal. Distant and a little snotty. Dressed in kinda tight pants and a summery tanktop. Nothing over the top but enough i think to try to get me to wonder. And of course her hair was all done. But the more I looked at her, the more I realized I don't find her physically attractive anymore. She looked...frumpy. She had been working out a couple months ago and looked great, but yesterday I just didn't see it. Maybe I had my blunders on, or maybe she really was dumped and is no longer working out. I dunno. 

I told her the next time she picks up the girls it'll be at my (no longer "our") house. She said that was fine. I was unloading a bunch of knickknacks from my car when she got there (lamps, candleholders, paintings, etc) so she could clearly see that I am getting it in order. Felt really good. 

I think she's doing a 180 of her own. Which I actually really enjoy...that means I don't have to deal with her. Gives me time to talk to my new lady friend.  I don't know what her angle is, but I can't shake the feeling that I'll hear from her at some point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

