# just got the most confusing information i ever had and i ask the women exspecially in



## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Im asking for all views and thoughts on this but the women exspecially , i just got done talking on the phone with a mutual friend after she had talked to my wife on a very deep conversation.. And at the end the mutual friend asked her if she could tell me these things and the wife said yes maybe you can get him to understand this.. Now this is where it gets super confusing to me and i really cant freaking make no sence out of this at all .. and this is why i really am looking to hear from a womens side a lot on this..

The mutual friend came right out and asked her are you getting the divorce.. She said this is going to sound confusing and odd to you , but yes cause i feel (the wife) its the only way i can put the past in the past and end that part of it and to start fresh .. The wife feels its the only way she will be able to get past the past and start fresh possibly with me. She can not say if we can be together in 2weeks 2 months 10 months or 2 years but that she hopes we can start fresh and for the kids sake she hopes we can as well.. She wants to make sure i stay changed like i am now and that i can trust her and understand this for her ... 

She has no want or need for another man she dont want that for her kids and dont think it would be healthy for them, that she dont want her kids growing up without there father under the same roof .. Yet here i am not under that roof now.. And hearing that she wants the divorce to put closure to the past so she can start fresh , hopefully with me and for the kids sake ??? I dont understand this , to me it seems like a exspensive way to put a end to a chapter and start a new one and the way she said it sounds like together but at the same time it seems to leave things open .. But she did mention the new rings set as being part of a new marriage down the road and a new beggining .. 

I mean what in the world does this mean , and what she want me to sit like this with little to no contact with her and just trust this as it is ? And in hopes we get back together, cause she hopes we can start new and for the kids sake all cause of a peice a paper ??? I mean how long does it take for a women at the age of 26 and 2 kids start to feel need for companionship? I really dont no what to make of all this , she isnt making sence to me , but i guess i should ask is do some women feel that this is a way to end the past and get over there hurts so they can look at things from a new point without the past coming up ? and how am i to trust this ?? 

That info made my head spin something feirce im not sure what to think about this.. 
PLEASE PLEASE GIVE ME SOME SERIOUS INSIGHT TO THIS OR VIEWS ON WHAT YOU THINK CAUSE IM NOT SURE WHAT TO THINK OR WHAT SHE IS THINKING , TO ME IT SOUNDS LIKE SHE IS HOPING A PEICE OF PAPER WILL ALLOW HER TO HEAL ENOUGH TO TRY TO WORK THINGS OUT , AND THAT IS INSANE I BELIEVE ... And really what should i do support this idea for my wife or what ??Im sorry if i have rambled a bit here just confused about what was said.....And this is what the wife had to say all of it to the mutual friend which she allowed to tell me about it .....


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Please tonight let me hear a lot on this cause it dont make no sense to me at all and i am not even sure it really makes sense to the wife either , but this is how she feels i guess........


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Wow either this is just that confusing to everyone else or no one has anything to say or what ?? No views or thoughts on this at all?


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

I think nobody was online or something. I will respond. We are not avoiding you. I totally get her logic. She simply wants a clean slate and to remarry with new vows and new meaning, if her intentions are as you state.

Divorce like this, doesnt have to be expensive at all. Have you asked her if you could just legally separate for a fixed amount of time and then renew your vows in a ceremony? That way there is no divorce, but she will get the separation and closure she needs, IF they are being totally honest about this as it is an unusaul request. 

If you go as far as to get the divorce, then I would be very careful to set it up in a very fair and "equitable" way as to your states guidelines... because if this is just a rue to get you to divorce her "nicely" then she could slide things in and possibly take advantage of you (not that she would do that, but I dont know her, she could). 

Bottom line: a divorce is a divorce and wipes clean any responsibility from each other legally (except kids). So I would treat it like any other divorce... take care of your kids with child support, and then take care of yourself. Dont let her woo you into any wording about alimony that would read "x amount of alimony to be paid until the plaintiff and defendent (you and your wife) get remarried" she could turn around and use that against you by NOT remarrying you. You could even state that "since the intentions are for the 2 of you to remarry each other, then x amount of alimony to be paid for a period of 6 months... and every 3 months after that will decrease by x amount not to go below (a number you would ultimately be comfortable paying her indefinately or until she remarries... someone else)." Please be careful. I know we like to trust people, but I have learned that there are no holds barred when it comes to divorce... even if her intentions are "good" or "to later get remarried (to you)."


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Oops, I missed the fact that she is 26! She may want a leagl ability to go out and sow her oats! Be careful.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

I think I understand what your wife is saying, a lot of people can't work on something new in their mind unless all the past is in the past in her mind.....it's like when people use a certain date to start a deal and then what ever happened before that date no longer has any say in the new deal.....make sense.
I would just give her the time she needs be the best you you can be and let her see that you and your family together is worth the effort on her part.....it really sounds like she is still mulling it all over in her head still trying to come to terms with things.....
I think it's a good sign that all her thoughts point to you two getting back together at some point and the new ceremony and rings tells me that she does uses events and dates as starting over points..........
good luck, I know it's confusing......patience is the hardest thing to do because it does feel like you are doing nothing......hang in there.


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

I may be posting a little too late for you here, but I just found this thread. And I completely get your confusion and frustration, but look past it for a moment.

What is the harm in getting that divorce or separation (and it can be done cheaply and smoothly), IF that will lead to your ultimate, healthy reconciliation? If you fight the idea and put your foot down, you may be essentially communicating that her need for security and a clean slate doesn't matter to you. Be careful with that.

Determine what the chances are that she will "sow her oats" once that piece of paper gets filed. What's to stop her now, if that's in the plans?

Think of your future and how this small step (in the scheme of things), may be a catalyst to a new marriage and life together.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

What I'm about to say has absolutely nothing to do with your situation, but maybe youc an see why I'm telling you this. My divorce took a year and a half. It was ugly. At the time, my ex kept telling me that he would quit harassing me once the divorce was final. He just needed the closure that it would bring. Guess what! Finalizing the divorce didn't do squat. He kept it up.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that, I guess your wife needs closure, but she is delusional if she thinks finalizing a divorce will magically do that. She needs closure with the issues between you two. A court document does not provide that. A judge's pen does not magically wipe away what's in one's head.

She is looking for an easy fix to the not so easy to fix issues she has. She probably honestly thinks it will work, but I doubt it will. Meanwhile, you still sit in limbo not able to move forward(where ever that may be) in your life. 

Maybe your mutual friend can get her to put herself in your shoes. Really get her to see how it is for you. How would she feel if you had kicked her out, which made her wake up and appreciate what she had and actually change to try to save her marriage....only to have you keep her staying at a relative's house in limbo, only able to see her kids when you decided it was OK, having her jump through hoops whenever you felt like it....and telling her to just sit there and wait until you call her and not to bug you. Come on! She is being unfair.

I don't know about your state, but in my state a divorce takes 90 days. That's three more months for you in limbo, then how many after that? Then you start dating? She's asking a heck of a lot of you, without actually even asking you. Although I think it's nice that you have a mutual friend who is trying to help you. It's like having a friend pass notes in school. Nothing is going to get resolved without you two communicating directly with each other. She shutting you out and making her friend do her dirty work.

I'm sorry, Ben, but your wife needs to step up, put on her big girl pants, and actually discuss all of this with YOU. She needs to decide if she's going to take a chance for her family's sake, and trust that you really have changed.....or let you go. She is stalling, and avoiding dealing with the situation. How long is she going to make you suffer, and more importantly, your kids suffer?

I know you love her and are willing to do pretty much whatever she wants to make this work out. I have to agree with the other poster....if you get the divorce so she can have closure, make sure it is a fair divorce, and one you can live with if things don't work out. I'd make her stick to the terms down to the letter too. After all, it's what she wants.

It kind of makes me wonder..... is she wanting to see what it's going to be like to be single, so she can then decide if she wants to remain that way. If she decides it's too hard and she doesn't like it, then she'll take you back?

Sorry so long here.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

a lot of good things in here today , and i too dont no what to think , now i have backed off in the past , today im not giving that today im going to make sure her and i sit and talk 1 on 1 about what was said and ill refuse to take no for a answer today.. im not sure if pressuring her this way to get clear answers is a good idea but i cant think of no other way , she made a comment this morning on the phone that i came in the house the other night (long story) and she felt i didnt trust her cause it was like i was checking up on her said she was trying to open the door and then i did that and it slamed shut , not sure how she calls the door being open seeing the kids once at the house , but ok .. I dont no you think i should approach her today and force that talk if she refuses to talk?


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## Hillbilly (Dec 30, 2009)

I don't want to leave you with a negative feeling, but it doesn't sound legitimate to me. If she's 26 then she's mature enough to know that divorce on paper is not going to erase the memories. If she don't trust you now, then how is she all of a sudden going to trust you just because you leagally divorced and then start over?
It sounds crazy to me. If she is concerned for the kids, looks to me like the best thing to do would be to get the family back together and let divorce not be part of the solution. Like I said, a divorce is not going to erase anything. If she forgives you and wants to make it work then why don't you just renew your vows. The best thing for the kids would be to see you work out your problems and get back together, not to see you get a divorce and then try to work things out. Be careful. Good Luck


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

see i agree with that problem is her she either refuses to talk or is trying to let things off nicely either way she needs to come clean and open about it or something .....i am not sure she nows what she is doing , but i have a feeling its her pride and fear of what others will think personally , i feel she thinks if she gives in she thinks she will look weak to them and feel that they will look down on her for it .. Just a feeling i have but its hard to tell my feelings are very emotional right now so its hard to say what is what


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ben,

You cannot control what she chooses to do....If she wanted to tell you everything she has told the friend, she would have...I don't know that forcing the issue will be productive...it may just annoy her.

What you can do is tell her where you are at with everything...you now know where she stands. At this point, I would plan for being divorced. Even if you reconcile eventually, there are no guarantees there and less so if you are legally divorced. Figure out how things should be divided and where you plan to live, how you can arrange that so you can have regular visitation with your kids.

You can tell her (if you are at this point) that you are planning to get a more permanent place so you can see your kids regularly, etc. sort of push the issue that she hasn't yet discussed with you of where your marriage is going...that's something you have every right to discuss & let her know you are done living in this limbo state. Again, I would not recommend accusing her of running or try to make her feel guilty...I think that will backfire...I think she needs the reality check that you are ready to move on if that's what she really wants...she will be forced to really think this through if she knows you are no longer willing to sit in limbo.

I actually do understand her idea of wanting a divorce before starting fresh...yes, expensive way to do things (and i agree with the others that you should treat this as if you will never remarry and look out for yourself, your kids)....but she will have no pressure to reconcile...she knows right now you are probably at the edge of your seat waiting for her to ask you to move back home....so it takes the pressure off of doing anything faster than she can handle....it will basically force the issue of both of you setting up your lives separately vs. the temporary set-up you seem to have now....and if you start dating again, she can enjoy the time with you and decide at her own pace whether she really feels you are a changed man for good.


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## alone in love (Nov 10, 2009)

I don't think her request is absolutely terrible. If that is her way of getting a fresh start, put the past in the past, then maybe it could work. Just don't believe anything 100%. You have to be careful of divorce attorneys too. It may start out amicable, and turn ugly when a lawyer gets a hold of it. Maybe it's not the divorce procedure itself, but the separation of lives. I like the idea of a legal separation because that can be changed. But marriage, and divorce, are really only legalities when it comes down to it. The commitment to each other and your children is what matters. Some people live together and never get married, and that is what works for them. Do you think maybe she needs to re-marry under completely different circumstances to keep bad memories away, and create new ones with a new marriage. If she is sincere in wanting to work this out, then getting a divorce isn't necessarily the end. Just don't put all your eggs in one basket. My husband told me he's leaving me and he doesn't want to work it out - but I think I will always be hopeful. I just can't focus on that hope, because life can change very quickly. Protect yourself emotionally.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Ben - sometimes the best action is to do nothing. Don't try to corner her. Don't try to understand her - stop trying to read her mind - I'm not sure she really knows what she wants, so asking her may not help.

I think you need to find some way to get your head clear - get out of town for a weekend or something. Put the relationship books down. Don't talk to "Candy" for a day or a week.

Go to the movies. Drive until you see a nice motel with a bar and a pool and stay for a day or two. Put on some music, turn out the lights and stare at a candle. Or put some headphones on and close your eyes.

Guess I'm in the minority, but I don't think a divorce gives your relationship a clean slate and a fresh start. This sounds - to me - like a rationalization. I really don't think she knows what she wants. Giver her the time and space to figure it out, so that when she does, you'll know she's staying or leaving for the right reasons, and not because you convinced her.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Thank you for the advise and words of wisdom on this matter , it seems i guess it can be a way for her to get past the past , now when i meant go talk to her i meant put her on the spot to talk about these same things so i can get a clear understanding , it left a lot of ifs and more ifs in there when she spoke to the mutual friend and that is the grey area , im not going to make her make a choice , i want her to see she can say things to me and be honest about it so i can show that i will support that choice (even if i dont like it or feel its the right way) but i will point out what i see and believe as well but let her no i understand if this is a way to let the past go then so be it 

But my thing is , is this just her saying this to let things die down easy or does she truely mean it cause that is something only she can tell me and i can tell from her , where i cant from a message passed on , in this 4 months i have on many times tried to get her to talk about things and she would get upset , i then would back off the subject and work on getting her to relax , this probably wont start well when i do this but this can conversation can end well and i will do everything i can to make sure that happens and that i support her feelings on things..

but i also have to show im not afraid to point things out .. There are better ways like said above to work things out slowly and from a different point.. My thing is if she says hopefully we can and hopefully for the kids sake then its time she hears her own words in that and sees that right now she is making it more difficult then it needs to be , and i will have to learn to trust her again on this , funny i broke her trust and then with being closed off and giving mixed signs of hope or endings and her staying distant to me and not talking my trust for her crumbled , this was something her and i always said we would never let happen , me im not letting it , but she is , i do believe anything can be worked out but it has to be a mutual effort at some point and going this long without actually sitting down and talking 1 on 1 is long enough i feel..

I believe its time i show her that yes i made the committement to change and have done so and really do want to start on a fresh page as well and that i not only want to be there but a part of there lives exspecially the kids , but if she wont atleast take small steps with me and go slow then i will show im also not afraid to stand up and take actions as well..

One thing is for sure im not going to lay down and give up or just give her everything she wants , i have done enough of that , and i am tired of hearing my son asking her if i love him still , when i do and want to be there for him and the only one making this hard is the wife ...Its time to show i have caring and understanding but that i am a man , father and a husband if she choices to have that and i think when the talk ends if she was serious with what she said then i will give her my wedding band and tell her to keep it till the day she wants me to wear it again...

maybe im wrong on that or maybe i should wear it to show her im still committed to the marriage i dont no that one is a big question mark for me cause she knows how i feel about marriage and the importance i put on wearing this ring , i wear it still only cause i truly love her and honor her but if its what is needed i will give it to her to hold onto..


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> Ben - sometimes the best action is to do nothing. Don't try to corner her. Don't try to understand her - stop trying to read her mind - I'm not sure she really knows what she wants, so asking her may not help.
> 
> I think you need to find some way to get your head clear - get out of town for a weekend or something. Put the relationship books down. Don't talk to "Candy" for a day or a week.
> 
> ...





I am in agreement with that only problem i have is if she is being serious or not on this or is it a easy way in her mind to let it die down thinking its best so she dont hurt me. If this is the case i just want to no , otherwise i will just give her time and space let her call me and act as if nothing is wrong and just go about the days like i normally would (well as normal as i can anyways) and hope time allows her to figure out things .. her wanting and hopeing cause i get both of them answers now that she wants the kids to have there father in there lives full time under one roof kinda makes this seem just odd to push me away and file at the same time for a closure you and most everyone else here knows a paper wont give that in reality it has to come from within


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Yea im going to put all the books down i know all i can from them by now anyways to bad i didnt listen to a lot of it i do feel i made the situation worse over the time from pushing here and there and being so untrusting in her cause of things , but its hard to trust when you are kept locked out of her life and so forth or feel like you are and when they go against what they always said they wouldnt do , but that is my illusion i lived in , i should have been doing way more now that i am i cant expect much , but i will be laying back now and waiting and hoping she can heal and find herself again.. So trust is a issue im having with her right now , she too is having issues as well , so i guess if this talk i hope to have goes south then i will let her no its ok and i understand and set her free in a way of speaking

Not giving up just going on with life and hope she sees its worth it for us and most exspecially the kids


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Ben - even in reading your posts, I'm wondering if you are breathing in between sentences.

I haven't read all of your posts - but I've read quite a few.

You sound like you want answers and you are tired of limbo.

Either she really doesn't know what she wants - in which case she CAN'T tell you what she wants - or she knows and doesn't want to tell you, for whatever reason.

The other thing I think you should do is take a break from this board. I've been where you are. I'm not far from there right now. Sometimes posting here helps - other times it just feeds your obsession with wanting an answer.

What you are feeling is normal, and its painful and it sucks. But if you could find some way to walk away from it - even for a day - you might be able to clear your own head a bit.

Sit and watch the wind blow by. All this crap will still be here tomorrow, or in two days, or whatever. She's dragging her feet for whatever reason. No upcoming court date. No deadlines.

Just breathe and just be.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Na she says she cant afford it yet or she would have filed supposedly , but i think she wants to file just so she dont look weak in front of her family and friends at work type of thing .. I think she is afraid to disapoint them for what ever reason or like you said she isnt saying the real reason, but she needs to say one way or the other .. For some reason i believe what she says but i want to hear it from her and see it to make sure.. I still no how to read her like a book when i can see or hear her , but yes im going to be taking a break after tonight on all of this and more...

Oh and i think i breath every other sentence lol
I guess i just want to hear from her and no that what she says is exactly what she means and what she needs of me to get to that point so we can "hopefully work things out and Hopefully for the kids sake " i do feel that is important my son is depressed cause im not around and thinks i dont love him at times.. which cuts deep he is my pride and joy as well as my daughter..


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

beninneedofhelp said:


> she isnt saying the real reason, but she needs to say one way or the other


No - actually she doesn't need to say anything. She needs to eat, breathe, sleep - but she has no *need* to tell you what she's thinking. You really want her to, but that doesn't mean that she will.



beninneedofhelp said:


> Oh and i think i breath every other sentence lol


Good! And also don't lose your sense of humor - I think you'll need it!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Ben,

I read the last 2 posts by nice777guy and thought, wow, that is on the money....give yourself a break from all of this....I know by analyzing everything and putting constant time/thought into this makes you feel you are doing all that you can...but it can have a negative impact if you do not give yourself any 'down' time.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

i agree and i do see that as happening , but i will try to talk to her either way on this , i no she probably wont respond well at first but over the months i have learned to change the conversations that start bad into good ones where she feels she can talk about it and i will keep my sence of humor  and i will be polite then after the talk and I pray it goes well i will take a break and hopefully have a better understanding to what she is thinking even if its confused thinking and what she needs of me right now .. But i agree swed i think this all has helped and hurt at times , i over due things sometimes and i researched everything i could from top to bottom twice over , gave me a lot of new tools to use in life but also useing them and getting no where made me feel worse at times.. I watched a peice on doing nothing last night and how i shouldnt expect to get a "pat on the back for changing for the better right away" made sence and i think i have expected this but also never have had a clear picture either , i will try to talk that is all after today im taking a break , i might jump on here and there or even tell you about the talk but outside of that im going to back way off and see if she likes not having me around and my help as much as she thinks, i will let her contact me and so forth but the kid deal needs to be discussed feeling aside for there good not ours..


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## Hillbilly (Dec 30, 2009)

I just had an idea. You said that you're tired of your son asking if you still love him. Sounds to me like this is already affecting him in a negative way. I haven't read all of your posts, so I don't know exactly what lead to the seperation, but why are you the one who has moved out and having to visit your son? Why don't you just go back and tell her that you love her and your son and you're not going to spend another moment away from them. Go back home and take your family back.


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

sadly we were renting the house from her dad (step father but not really didnt adopt her and is divorced from her mother) but he acts as her father .. The talk was short and and really bad more or less said the mutual friend lied about things but hey what ever im stepping back like way back but i will fight over the kids part now touth and nail no questions asked on that end , see how she likes it with no contact with me at all..


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## beninneedofhelp (Nov 24, 2009)

Well got that talk finally with her it started bad but ended better then i thought still set on divorce but the talk was the one we should have had months ago and i finally got her to do it she was crying so was i , she seen the sincerity in it this time though im almost sure and questioned herself about things but she is set right now in her mind that its just done cant be with me in that way right now , that is fine i guess ill live but she will get what she wanted and that is space ill just keep being the new me and hope for the best.. I do miss my kids though badly


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'm playing a little catch up again...

Isn't the "mutual friend" some sort of Christian Counselor that you are paying to counsel your wife? And the counselor ferries information about the counseling sessions back to you. And your wife isn't aware of any of this. If so I think that is a bad set up. I don't believe she is a trained licensed marriage counselor.

You're constantly acting like a wounded animal crying for attention. Even on this board you do things like post at 1am and follow up with confusion that no one has posted a reply a few minutes later. Dude, we're all sleeping. I'm not getting up in the middle of the night to feed and change you unless you're my kid. This is just terrible neediness and is driving her away from you. I do get that you're in pain, but what you are doing is totally counter productive.

Personally I think you just need to bring this entire mess to some sort of coherent close. Fire the counselor, cut off the free access to your money, and give your wife an ultimatum to either see an actual marriage counselor together, or watch you file for divorce yourself.

Right now she just believes you will cry over her and pine for her until she decides one way or the other. By actually showing the gumption to divorce her, you're proving that you have the self-worth and confidence to actually move on and find a new and better woman than her. That's going to get her interest.

It sounds like your kids think that you don't love them. Your wife may be a lost cause, but at least act to save the relationship with your kids failing too. Visitation is a right. Demand it.

Sorry if this seems like a harshly worded post. Please accept it in the spirit of a "there's no crying in baseball" coaching speech. The longer this drags out, the less likely she is ever going to reconile with you. Act now.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I think that the hardest part is being in limbo. You feel like you're not in control of your own happiness, she is. I think you need to take control back. 

She said the friend lied. Well either that is true, or she doesn't want you to know what she is thinking. I think, in that case, you should just go off of what you get from your wife and not the 3rd party.

File for separation, get a visitation schedule with your kids. Get your own place. Even if you do reconcile later on, maybe you don't need to be renting from her step-dad.

Right now, your wife is being selfish and immature. She is putting herself ahead of her family........including her children! She might not be doing it on purpose, but still. She is damaging your relationship with your kids, and you are allowing her to, in hopes of saving your marriage. Every day/week/month you don't get to see your kids, is a day/week/month that you can't get back.


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## Nurseygirl (Jan 11, 2010)

I wanted out of a previous relationship because I was not in love with him any more. I said I needed time to start fresh and feel like we were 'dating' again. Then I moved, then I stopped calling, then I broke it off. We weren't married, but had been dating for almost 6 years, and had not kids together. I don't know all of the details for your situation, but I used the promise of a fresh start as a way out. I was 28.


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