# What Now?



## SoCalKat (Mar 2, 2011)

My wife has been emotionally separated from me since last summer and stopped spending any time with me whatsoever. Five months ago, she said she wanted a divorce because of the past history of arguments and hurtful behavior toward each other.. Then, she kept waffling back and forth on what she wanted. 

We did four sessions of couples counseling before she decided she needed to keep working on herself with an individual therapist. I tried getting her to go on dates with me, sleep in the same room, etc., but she kept pushing me away (and we kept fighting about it), saying she needed space. She also suggested I take a lengthy work assignment which will take me out of state over the summer.

At the end of February, I decided to try the 180 approach, if not just to have peace in the household. I've kept working out, strengthening friendships and improving my behavior. Last week, she told me that it appeared I'd "moved on with my life" and that we should just call it quits. I tried to explain to her that all I've done is focused on areas of my life that I could improve on (parenting, friendships, myself). I don't know if she got that or not.

I'm befuddled and frustrated, since all we did was fight when I was pursuing her and now that I've stopped, she's upset with me. I guess I'm not sure what to do now.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm not a big fan of 180. All it does is let you focus on yourself and takes your mind off the issues in your relationship.

If a woman loves you, it won't matter if you are working out or have new friends. She has needs that weren't being filled by you and the 180 just made them even less filled.

And if it is HER problems that she is trying to address in individual counseling, nothing YOU do will help (unless waiting patiently for her to figure herself out is considered "help").

If you are still doing marriage counseling, good. As for taking care of yourself, that's good anyway. And encourage her individual counseling.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Do you have kids with her? I rarely suggest this, it goes against many of my core beliefs; if you don't, get out of this relationship. If you had a female friend who went through the same treatment you have described on here -- what advice would you give her? Don't treat yourself, or allow yourself to be treated with any less love & care. 

Having read your other threads, and some clear indications of a personality disorder in play in her; I will admit I am slightly hesitant to tell you to try to stick to your 180 plan, and work it out. However, if you do want to try to work on things with her, sticking to the 180 is probably your best bet unless a return to the way things were prior to this current round is what you really want. I will warn you, a 180 strategy with someone with BPD isn't going to get the same type of reaction that it would in someone without it, and you have to be prepared for that in order to remain calm, and cool. BPD's are incredibly sensitive to any sense of rejection. Its like they have a radar for it that so powerful it could track down the stealth fighter of rejection, and even if it wasn't there, they might still latch onto it from a false reading in a situation (you are not reacting as "normal") that makes them feel uncomfortable, and not able to get that immediate assurance. 

Its in those moments that a combination of both interest, and lashing out occurs at the same time. I see her comment more as reflective of that, than as a genuine desire to not want to be together, but you are at ground zero, and have details I do not. 

My opinion (FWIW), and personal experiences tell me she sees you taking on these interests, and not reacting the way you used to, and it becomes "You've moved on, you don't love me anymore" ...but this is likely just the lash, because some part of her knows its an area sensitive to your heart. She hoped it would trigger the sudden switch to cater to the emotional crisis mode in you, and if it didn't, you are a lot closer to getting a resolution without the patterns of the past. 

Your 180 *will* feed her feelings of insecurity, and fears of abandonment. This part of it may indeed backfire, and send her fleeing to the arms of someone else, but if what you were doing wasn't working, this is certainly worth a try to continue. If you can muster it, keep working on you, keep your cool, and don't fight with her at all. She'll likely try a few things to provoke a reaction out of you, and if she truly is BPD, you'll likely get a dose of anger with it if that reaction doesn't happen. Do not under any circumstances go to her and beg for her to come back to your shared bed, or shared room. If you want this to work, it needs toe on some terms you can live with. I know you don't (at least on some level) want to deal with that kind of interaction with your wife every day of the rest of your life. Its still best to work on you, do the things you need to do for you, keep working out to keep a handle on the stress, and keep a somewhat detached, but completely civil tone with her. 

When (and she likely will) she comes back in a civil, and agreeable tone to talk, because the other things didn't get the reaction she was hoping for -- use that time to *set some firm boundaries* you are *actually willing to enforce* for the behavior you find *intolerable.* The stuff you just mildly dislike, or find annoying -- talk those out, but you know in your heart the things that are truly unacceptable. Take some time to think on that list of boundaries, and issues while you are working on you. Get some ideas of how you want deal with it going in your head should she test those boundaries. 

When you present the boundaries, and stand up for yourself you will likely get one of two reactions: either a flare up of anger, and some statement that you are trying to control her; this will likely be followed by a string of incredibly hurtful things designed to get you engaged to fight. Or you will get a moment where those fears subside in her, and she begins to genuinely talk with you. Any reaction other than apathy is a good thing here, but the 2nd is always better. 

It sounds like you are having a very rough time, and I feel for you.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Anooniemouse said:


> Do you have kids with her? I rarely suggest this, it goes against many of my core beliefs; if you don't, get out of this relationship. If you had a female friend who went through the same treatment you have described on here -- what advice would you give her? Don't treat yourself, or allow yourself to be treated with any less love & care.
> 
> Having read your other threads, and some clear indications of a personality disorder in play in her; I will admit I am slightly hesitant to tell you to try to stick to your 180 plan, and work it out. However, if you do want to try to work on things with her, sticking to the 180 is probably your best bet unless a return to the way things were prior to this current round is what you really want. I will warn you, a 180 strategy with someone with BPD isn't going to get the same type of reaction that it would in someone without it, and you have to be prepared for that in order to remain calm, and cool. BPD's are incredibly sensitive to any sense of rejection. Its like they have a radar for it that so powerful it could track down the stealth fighter of rejection, and even if it wasn't there, they might still latch onto it from a false reading in a situation (you are not reacting as "normal") that makes them feel uncomfortable, and not able to get that immediate assurance.
> 
> ...


I disagree with you, someone with BPD would become clingy and needy if a man was doing a 180. They would not calmly accept that the person had moved on with their life and still pursue divorce.

If you know anything about BPD then I'm sure you know that apathy is not a likely reaction. If his wife is apathetic it very well could be that she doesn't want to be in the relationship anymore.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Chris Taylor said:


> I'm not a big fan of 180. All it does is let you focus on yourself and takes your mind off the issues in your relationship.
> 
> If a woman loves you, it won't matter if you are working out or have new friends. She has needs that weren't being filled by you and the 180 just made them even less filled.
> 
> ...


Yes! Thank you! This advice needs to be heard!


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Trenton is right. A person with BPD would become clingy as we fear abandonment. You really should read the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". If she does have BPD it will help you try to understand and learn effective ways to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

pidge70 said:


> Trenton is right. A person with BPD would become clingy as we fear abandonment. You really should read the book "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me". If she does have BPD it will help you try to understand and learn effective ways to communicate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I found a copy of that book on my Mom's end table and read it. I asked my Mom what was up...who had this disorder and she said, "You do my dear." I was like...."WTF, my Mom is such a biatch."

I very well remember the aqua blue cover and red writing.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

It's a hard book to read, especially when you have BPD...at least it was for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

No doubt.


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