# How long were you miserable before filing?



## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Were you decisive in calling it quits, or were you wishy washy?


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## vn1955 (Jun 30, 2014)

It took me 6 months after he left to file for divorce. Now he wants to come back to his family. I almost wish I was strong enought to file much earlier. I think I would have saved myself a lot of heartache.


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## PrincessQueenBee (Oct 12, 2014)

What a miserable situation. When you think its over, its over. I stood in a miserable marriage for at least 8 years before filing. BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE. File now and get on with your life!!! You DO NOT have to miserable!! IT IS A CHOICE. I stood in my bad marriage bc I didn't want my 3 young kids to grow up without their dad,,, but actually, WE ALL should have started our new life earlier. The wait only made things worse. They are grown now,,, and we are all GOOD!!!! Few battle scars,, but we made it!!! Happily ever after !!!!!!!!


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I'm kind of in the situation where I should call it quitz but I still find myself asking if I'm making the right decision and doubtful even though I know that I should file. Its not easy you will need all the support you can get I'm just glad that on here I can get support and advise.

Good Luck


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I was decisive. The misery still lasted 4 years. I knew something was wrong, but couldn't put my finger on it. Then I found out part of the story (supposedly just cyber sex with 2 different guys). I decided to try and work things out. 

2 years after Dday1, I found out in addition to cyber with those 2, there were at least 2 other men that she had a PA with, and one was a long term guy over the entire 4 years.

I filed 2 weeks after that, divorce was final quickly.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I was indecisive. I had (unrealistic) hopes for many years that things could change with enough effort, or enough therapy, etc., but eventually all possibilities and all hopes were exhausted and extinguished. That's when I became decisive and ended it, never looking back.

I now know that certain problems almost never get resolved satisfactorily, which is why I usually advocate leaving sooner rather than later when those particular issues are raised by someone here.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

PrincessQueenBee said:


> What a miserable situation. When you think its over, its over. I stood in a miserable marriage for at least 8 years before filing. BOY, WAS THAT A MISTAKE. File now and get on with your life!!! You DO NOT have to miserable!! IT IS A CHOICE. I stood in my bad marriage bc I didn't want my 3 young kids to grow up without their dad,,, but actually, *WE ALL should have started our new life earlier. The wait only made things worse.* They are grown now,,, and we are all GOOD!!!! Few battle scars,, but we made it!!! Happily ever after !!!!!!!!


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Completely agree! Everything in this post is exactly the same with me. Only I stayed 20 years ... what a mistake, for everyone involved. My children would have been FAR better off if I had left when they were younger. It haunts me to this day.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well,
I was on the “Leavee” side, but I’m going to chime in anyway because it was a revelation to me. My wife announced and then proceeded to stay with me for 2 ½ months.
Sheer agony. She left and the first thing I felt was a great sense of relief as we at least had some space.
I THOUGHT I wanted to set things right and I probably did at that time, but then I had my first weekend alone.
It was then I realized that I had gradually made myself a prisoner in the relationship and there WAS a side of me that desperately wanted out.
That piece of me became more apparent with each month after she left.

…suddenly, I was free…
(Fear and anticipation make a very ODD combination.)

I was good as far as I could be. I made some mistakes.
We continued to fight with each other through email.
Then she decided to file for divorce “just to get it over with.” And “If we ever get back together, we can always remarry”.

That was when I had my first “Secret Agent Weekend”.
Needing to report to nobody in particular, I took Friday off and made it a point to be leaving when my kids were picked up. 
I got on my bike with nothing more than my armor, my driver’s license and a credit card.
… and promptly vanished.

It had been SOOOO long since I had any freedom that I could enjoy I pretty much stayed out the whole weekend.
The only time I came home was for sleep.

I had also stayed faithful up until she filed the papers, but that was my breaking point. 
Being a person whose primary love language is physical touch, I was keen to be with someone else.
I advertised for, and got many nice replies, for a FWB; a lovely sensual woman who kept me afloat and showed me that I did INDEED have much to offer.
I shall always owe her a debt of gratitude.

What’s my point? 
That sometimes there is an unspoken fear of real freedom. 
Like a prisoner who has been in the system too long, there is a quiet institutional aspect to some marriages that some fear to leave.
If your marriage has gotten to that point, then I say it’s time to shake it up and turn it on its head.
Mind you, I’m not advocating divorce, I’m saying try something new.
The end goal is to be able to hold your head proudly when someone asks you if you are certain you did all you could.

If you have done everything that you could and you know it’s just not going to work…don’t let that fear of freedom stand in your way any more than your other fears.
Because sometimes the fear of freedom can be overwhelming too.
It’s easy because its SOOO big when you first see it
Mourn the loss of your idealized version of “what should have been”…
Then close your eyes and jump.

You don’t have to be miserable and you will land somewhere better.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Once he left and we were officially separated, I only waited about two months. It was a miserable year of trying to work on things (alone) before he left, though.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

I waited about six months and we even tried counseling. But once he said, if I haven't change my mind yet, what makes you think I will? That was my wake up call, it was over. Words of advice, listen to what they say.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

My ex kept leaving and coming back which made me completely insane in the last 1.5 years of marriage. The last time she came back, she got pregnant and then suddenly aborted our baby at 3-months while I begged her not to. That was supposed to be the breaking point for me and it was, but even then I was so beaten and depressed that I couldn't bring myself to filing.

One day (2 months after killing the baby) she texted and said "let's get this done" and I somehow miraculously found the courage to simply say "ok".

2 days later I signed the divorce papers in her presence without making any eye-contact with her. 

Life has been wonderful since then  

I wasted my entire 20s and the vast majority of my hard-earned wealth on that evil woman. I regret staying with her that long when I knew 'something was off' from early on.

Don't waste your life on abusive people. You won't get it back and karma is not all that helpful to be honest.


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## wonderwhy (Oct 8, 2014)

D DAY was the 4th of Oct , I filled on the 15th, filed her waiver of service on the 17th. Final court date Jan12 th 2015.
23 years together, 18 yrs married.
Asked her to quit the posom and the job and work it out, she said no.
She drafted desperation agreement buying me out if house on the 15th, I signed her papers then gave her the petition for divorce.
Marriage wasn't great for a few years before, but not inseparable, so 11 days miserable before filing, and however many since.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, are you still around?!?!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Met 1997, married 1999. I was in a lawyer's office in 2002 ready to sign papers to

start the D. The lawyer was local and had been practicing a long time. 

He asked me if I was sure if this was what I wanted. He knew....

We worked things out and it was great for a couple years. I learned of an EA

in 2007. When I read the emails she sent, I honestly laughed at the

extent the lies went to. But I was seriously considering leaving her.

Then her mother died. I was very close to her mother, she was my 2nd mom.

Her mother asked me to watch over her a handful of days before she died.

It was a sudden death...MiL knew she was not going to be here long.

Spending was my Xs weak spot. Her mom always bailed her out. I held her

accountable. I would say the last three years were bad. Miserable... I would say the last 18 months.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

4 months after discovering her cheating and not wanting to reconcile.


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Disappeared for a long while, but let's rev this back up.

Divorce is an agonizing decision, especially for a very indecisive and overthinking/overanalyzing type of person, such as myself.

It's not only about me, but also my 2 children.

Daughter 13 has EXTREME anger towards her father (and life itself), and says she'd rather go into foster care than live with him anymore (he's been verbally/mentally abusive to her). Problem is, she wants to break ties with her brother 17 also.

With her issues, I don't know if I can handle her all on my own.

Fear keeps me stuck. I corresponded with a local lawyer for a couple of emails.

I'm always overthinking. Who will get house? Can either of us afford house? Could we even afford to live separately? Will my daughter even want visitation with him or brother? Should I take her and stbx take son? Do I want divisions in my family? Is this the right thing to do? Is there any other choice?

The last thing it's about is love, that died long ago. I know I won't mourn the loss for that reason. I guess it's fear, and that I never lived independently. I'm also very down on myself (but really have a LOT to offer), because he was also verbally/emotionally abusive to me. My daughter's issues are ultimately my fault.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Almost 4 years this May... still living in limbo ...

~sammy


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

synthetic said:


> My ex kept leaving and coming back which made me completely insane in the last 1.5 years of marriage. The last time she came back, she got pregnant and then suddenly aborted our baby at 3-months while I begged her not to. That was supposed to be the breaking point for me and it was, but even then I was so beaten and depressed that I couldn't bring myself to filing.
> 
> One day (2 months after killing the baby) she texted and said "let's get this done" and I somehow miraculously found the courage to simply say "ok".
> 
> ...


I just finished reading your main thread.... most was before I came to TAM

If I said what I thought of her, I would be banned....permabanned

You have walked through a he!! I have not yet seen and hope not to

don't ever nuke your thread.... A-1 advice from TAM greats


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

In my eyes, D was 11/30/12....if you ask the courthouse... 2/1/13.

She was fancy free, I was a mess....two months later... she had shingles

and bumps all over her face from stress and....Chuck walked in with a smile

and swagger. Yeah she noticed....just as she did on her main 2013 reach for me.

Pop was a schitty parent but a master teacher..."when someone schits in your

garden, they are responsible for cleaning it up. They can clean it up or sit there

staring at it till the cows come home."


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## delupt (Dec 1, 2014)

I was miserable for many years, but 'stayed for the kids' BS was my driver ... until she got violent (again). That was the wake-up call, but I then had 1 year of nice-guy recovery, 1 year of earnestly pushing to rekindle the relationship, 1 year of 2 (failed) restarts and 1 year of counselling ending in December 2014. I filed early January. 

Should've done it years ago of course, but realised it would not be overnight and wanted to at least try counselling (she repeatedly refused) before pulling the trigger. 

Only (small) advantage of the 4 year prolonged ending is that I have already fully mourned the end of this relationship.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

delupt said:


> Only (small) advantage of the 4 year prolonged ending is that I have already fully mourned the end of this relationship.


I too think this has been the way for me, and has helped to come to terms with reality instead of walking away right away and always wondering.

~sammy


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

hehasmyheart said:


> Disappeared for a long while, but let's rev this back up.
> 
> Divorce is an agonizing decision, especially for a very indecisive and overthinking/overanalyzing type of person, such as myself.
> 
> ...


Your daughter's anger towards her father should be your catalyst to get you OUT. If she has anger issues in general, keeping her there with him is a wound that wont heal...it keeps festering and breaking open instead of scabbing over and healing. Living on your own without someone in your face making you miserable is liberating and empowering! Your relief will be enormous and you will become a whole new person!

Get your daughter out of there.


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