# A Common Story No Doubt



## FrankieAshter (Aug 7, 2012)

I imagine my story is no different to anyone else’s, but I wanted to talk about my angles.

I notice a lot of hatred towards those that have cheated, and I am one, and I can understand that, but every story has two sides.

I’ve been married for ten years this year. We’ve been together 14. We have two amazing girls aged 7 and 4.

Since the kids came along, everything changed. I always knew it would and was prepared for it, for a long time that was fine, but the last two years I haven’t been happy, not terribly sad and not in a cruel or mentality punishing relationship but what we had pre-kids never came back. 

The affection was gone, the physicality was gone, it seemed to me the love had gone along with a bit of respect; the little things that annoy you about someone (or more the point annoyed her about me) suddenly come to the fore. 

I’d get into bed next to a woman I still wanted but who turned her back on me every night. I tried everything, in my mind. I asked her to talk about our sex life but she stopped it point blank saying there was ‘nothing to talk about’. We never talked about us, but there was always time to talk about everything and everyone else. 

I got quite down that I was always passed up for a pre-recorded episode of a soap opera for every mention that we should spend more time together, with each other, on each other. 

I can remember the look of anguish in her eyes when I suggested some intimate time together, I also made it clear that this needn’t be intercourse, it could be a lot of other things, just time together being intimate, knowing she still wanted me and saw me that way. But instead it became a barely-trying fumble once every few months, until the last few times where I would be trying but she would barely be able to touch me, it went from quarterly to half-yearly, then to this barely having s#x can only happen in a hotel when we’re away from the kids, basically once a year.

I started working away, a few nights a week nothing too much, and met a girl at work. We talked for ages and although I had strong feelings for her I never admitted it, after all, when I first met her it was a few weeks before her own marriage.

Two years later and the last six weeks have been a whirlwind, when I finally admitted how I felt then so did she; we kept it from the bedroom but eventually we both wanted that so much that it happened. The moment that happened I could never be the same with my wife again.

Now she has left her husband, I never asked her too but she felt that it was over for her anyway, I never promised anything.

She changed the landscape with that, and although I’ve told her not to force it she has put pressure on me to make a decision, which is fair enough to some degree. I don’t want it to go on like this, she doesn’t either.

Only I feel between a rock and a hard place. If I stay for my kids, then I will always think what could have been which in the long term will be torturous for me; I also feel I’ve done this now, if I’ve done it once I’ll do it again? Am I just putting off the pain until I’m ‘n’ years older and it will feel like I would have wasted all that time I went back for?

If I go, I will tear lives to pieces and I am scared for how my kids will take that and how it will affect them.

My home is not an unhappy one, we don’t argue, she’s a good woman, a talented woman, we’re a good unit, we’re great parents, but a massive part of the jigsaw was missing and all that meant nothing to not being loved and now I’ve messed everything up.

I know the right thing is to make everything right and stay with my wife, but, can it ever be right now? I’ve not been able to touch her since this started and I don’t know if I can now ever feel the same way again. Previously to that, it would have been me that had to make every move to be intimate, mostly always rejected; since I’ve withdrawn from her suddenly she asks why.

The other girl is younger than me, much younger than my wife; she’s also very different from my wife. If ultimately that doesn’t work out will it be the right decision to go and admit that what I had in my marriage had gone anyway, or just consign myself to a lifetime of being just content? Right at the moment everything feels wrong.

What are people’s thoughts/experiences?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Why do you think the right thing to do is stay with your wife? The right thing to do is break it off with the other woman. You should confront your wife with the unacceptable nature of your marriage, tell her of your infidelity and give her an opportunity to truly work on your marriage or divorce. You should have had this confrontation BEFORE you became a cheater. 

I think this will not go well. I don't clearly understand the dynamic between you and your wife. I would suspect she has someone on the side from your description of her behavior, or perhaps some other serious issue is hidden here. Staying for the sake of the children when your marriage is miserable is not modelling healthy behavior for the kids and certainly isn't doing you any good.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Nothing in your story justifies you cheating. When your marriage hits the dumps, you have four choices.
- cheat
- divorce
- do nothing
- work on it

Instead of deciding to do everything possible to improve your marriage and if that didn't work end it, you took the cake eaters way out. You figure you'll just take the best of both worlds - sex on the side and a wife who does everything else.

'Staying for the kids' is an often used excuse for cheaters to not mend their ways. It's a myth that breaking up a bad marriage is harder on the kids than staying in it.

Tell your wife and throw yourself on her mercy. END it with the OW by writing a no contact letter and sending it to her with your wife as a witness, then placing her on IGNORE. No matter what happens, your wife deserves to know you cheated on her. If she throws you under a bus, that's the bed you made.

I just don't get this 'anguish' that non remorseful cheaters say they feel. If you're in so much 'anguish' then QUIT CHEATING!!!!!!!!!


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## Owyn (Jul 9, 2012)

Pick one or the other right away, stop playing both. You're ruining lives.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Everything feels wrong because you compounded problems in your marriage with your guilt of now cheating on your wife. On top of that the other woman left her husband for you. Be a man and admit to your wife what you did. Don't use marital problems as an excuse but that's never a reason to cheat. The fact that you're asking if you should continue a relationship outside of the marriage to see where it goes is ridiculous. If you want that other relationship then get a divorce and get on with it. You don't get to play lets see what works while using your wife as the fall back option.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

All the cheaters have many excuses, for some it was bad marriage, lack of sex and intimacy, But i have never seen a cheater who confronted the spouse for a bad marriage and did everything to correct it first. Same story and same excuses here also.

Your wife deserve honesty, let she decide what she needed in her life.


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## FrankieAshter (Aug 7, 2012)

KanDo said:


> You should have had this confrontation BEFORE you became a cheater


All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas. 

I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

FrankieAshter said:


> All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
> 
> I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


so why didn't you file instead of making a bigger mess?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You asked her to talk and spend time together, she refused. That's it? You call that 'working on things'???

Did you schedule MC and go even if she wouldn't?
Did you schedule IC and go to see why you're a cheater?
Did you take her on romantic weekends?
Did you read voraciously about how to improve things?
Did you court her?
Did you man up and give her an ultimatum?
I could go on.....................


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

FrankieAshter said:


> All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
> 
> I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


Then you should've filed for divorce. You cheated plain and simple. No two sides of the coin I'm afraid.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You asked her to talk and spend time together, she refused. That's it? You call that 'working on things'???
> 
> Did you schedule MC and go even if she wouldn't?
> Did you schedule IC and go to see why you're a cheater?
> ...


Clearly he didn't and now he not only has another woman in the picture but another woman who left her husband. Other lives have been affected now because of the actions of two very selfish people.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

FrankieAshter said:


> All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
> 
> I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


Apparently you didn't try hard enough. All marriages go through a bad spell. Communication is the key and you didn't ask the right questions nor challenge the status-quo. Instead, you folded, walked away, and cheated.

You make light of the perception that she "preferred to watch soap operas", but did you ask her why that is? Did you dig deeper? How did you present the discussion? As an ultimatum? A fight? Lovingly? Do you honestly care or where you looking for an excuse to cheat on her?

Yes, there are two side to a marriage. There are not two sides when one decides to cheat.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> You asked her to talk and spend time together, she refused. That's it? You call that 'working on things'???
> 
> Did you schedule MC and go even if she wouldn't?
> Did you schedule IC and go to see why you're a cheater?
> ...


:iagree:

There is something definitely missing from the story.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Phoenix2012 said:


> Wasn't his own life ruining though?
> 
> That's not defending "cheating" just a philosohpical question.
> 
> ...


Thats a relationship that you can choose to walk away from. Instead, he ignored the problems WITH her and started boinking his co-worker.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Time for some soul searching Frankie, I will not pile on, as others have done a nice enough job so far. You need to decide where your heart lies. But remember that you may well be in the "fog" of the affair. Sure this women seems perfect at the moment but they all do in the beginning, right? 

The people I feel for the most is your children. I laugh at the people that think their children that live in the same house and see you two interact EVERYDAY are oblivious to what is going on. I bet dollars to donuts your kids feel the tension and are learning from it daily! It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would think staying in a bad relationship for the children is a good idea. I have a young son and I have to watch very closely what I do in front of him. He mimics my behavior as I am certain your children are doing the same to you and your wife. 

You need to either fish or cut bait! If you decide your GF is the one you want, man up and D NOW! If you decide your wife is where your heart lies, then MAN UP and dump the GF (and hope she doesn't out you) and tell your wife "It's do or die time." She can either be part of the solution going forward or you will end it! 

Here is where I differ from most on this forum and will likely get flamed for having my opinion. If you decide you think you can save the marriage and will NEVER cheat again. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache! Get yourself in IC and demand MC for you and your wife. It's time you take control over your life, including your marriage! Every waking moment you remain indecisive about this is like a train heading towards the cliff. There will be a time you wont be in control anymore.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Time for some soul searching Frankie, I will not pile on, as others have done a nice enough job so far. You need to decide where your heart lies. But remember that you may well be in the "fog" of the affair. Sure this women seems perfect at the moment but they all do in the beginning, right?
> 
> The people I feel for the most is your children. I laugh at the people that think their children that live in the same house and see you two interact EVERYDAY are oblivious to what is going on. I bet dollars to donuts your kids feel the tension and are learning from it daily! It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would think staying in a bad relationship for the children is a good idea. I have a young son and I have to watch very closely what I do in front of him. He mimics my behavior as I am certain your children are doing the same to you and your wife.
> 
> ...


Your advice it simply horrific. Going to marriage counseling while trying to keep his affair hidden would be as disingenuous as can be.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I will just offer one additional thought for the OP.

If she cheated *with* you, what's to keep her from cheating *on* you?

Just a thought....


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> Here is where I differ from most on this forum and will likely get flamed for having my opinion. If you decide you think you can save the marriage and will NEVER cheat again. KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache!


WORST ADVICE EVER.

If you do decide not to tell her, you've learned NOTHING from what you did. You're still a liar and a cheat.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Frankie - There are some threads on here where I argue your side.

I am going to get my head handed to me, but what you've said is that you truly tried to communicate with your wife over a prolonged period and she dismissed and ignored you. In that situation, what are you to do? Many of the commenters are jaded by their experiences of being cheated on. But many simply do not understand the impossibility of talking to someone that will not listen (or respond) and that is just defensive. Many cheaters say "I was unhappy" or "we were soo emotionally unconnected" in hindsight without warning. Many betrayed spouses had no idea that was coming and were given no warning. But, when you tell your spouse she is playing with fire, I am less sensitive to the righteous indignation of others when she gets burned. 

What is a man or woman to do when their spouse puts up a wall and effectively says "I do not care about you; we have children so you are stuck here." What else is sex 1 or 2 times per year saying?

Obviously it would have been best if you told your W before you took the next step. But, that is a difficult place - because she would turn the ultimatum on you - decide between your family happiness or your relationship happiness (oh, and BTW, I'll take you to the F'in cleaners and enjoy seeing your daughters on the weekends).

First thing is you should not expose your W to any possible diseases (no offense intended) your OW may have. So, do not have any type of sexual contact with your W. Make the tough decision. Do not blame your W or justify your decision. Make it, tell her what you want. Tell her what happened. If you want to stay and she can live with you, see what needs to be done to make things right without blaming each other. If you want to leave, leave.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

The ONLY way to make any attempt of having a good relationship with your wife is to tell her about your affair. Otherwise, you will be stuck in the same relationship that you say prompted you to have the affair in the first place.

I also want to comment on your "fling". You had a "fling" and she had an affair? What an interesting way to describe what is essentially the same act.

Did you ever think that she simply stayed with you for the children and that is why she has no desire to have you touch her? It could be the very reason she is making no attempt to reconcile with you. It may be her reason as to why she meets up with a guy in a van. She may have gotten over you long ago.

Don't get me wrong, I do not think your "fling" deserves what she did, quite to the contrary. I do, however, find the irony in the fact you get the rare opportunity to walk in her shoes for a change.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Time for some soul searching Frankie, I will not pile on, as others have done a nice enough job so far. You need to decide where your heart lies. But remember that you may well be in the "fog" of the affair. Sure this women seems perfect at the moment but they all do in the beginning, right?
> 
> The people I feel for the most is your children. I laugh at the people that think their children that live in the same house and see you two interact EVERYDAY are oblivious to what is going on. I bet dollars to donuts your kids feel the tension and are learning from it daily! It makes me sick to my stomach that anyone would think staying in a bad relationship for the children is a good idea. I have a young son and I have to watch very closely what I do in front of him. He mimics my behavior as I am certain your children are doing the same to you and your wife.
> 
> ...


You know, it is not usual that I'd say keep an affair in the closet, and I would agree with you here, but the only problem is there are others that know of the affair. If it comes out later, no problem would be solved, only exacerbated.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The only way to make this right is to tell your wife about your affair. You will need to take ownership of the affair. It was your choice to go outside the marriage.

Telling your wife might make the decision for you. She might just want you to leave.

My guess is your new relationship won't last. They typically don't, because both of you are cheaters. It will be difficult to trust each other because you each know what you are capable of.

Best of luck to you. 

Yet another example of why cheating is so wrong. Do all you can to fix your marriage. If it isn't working, leave. Don't cheat.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

FrankieAshter said:


> All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
> 
> I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


If you are talking about the state of the marriage itself, then I agree with you that there are 2 sides to the story and that both of you need to take ownership of those problems. However, choosing infidelity is 100% your fault. The mature and adult thing to do would be to exhaust the possibilities of trying to save your marriage. If you get to the point where you feel the marriage is not recoverable, THEN you go start finding someone else to be with AFTER you divorce your wife.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> If you are talking about the state of the marriage itself, then I agree with you that there are 2 sides to the story and that both of you need to take ownership of those problems. However, choosing infidelity is 100% your fault. The mature and adult thing to do would be to exhaust the possibilities of trying to save your marriage. If you get to the point where you feel the marriage is not recoverable, THEN you go start finding someone else to be with AFTER you divorce your wife.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You did wrong. For understandable reasons. But you still did wrong.

I had an affair. But I know I did wrong.

I confessed to my wife and we are still together.

You need to face up to your responsibilities.

You are cheating on your wife and you are cheating on your children.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so why didn't you file instead of making a bigger mess?


Because he climbed onto the slippery slope of the EA. Been there, done that, got the bump on the head at the end of the slope.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Frankie I suppose you didn't file for divorce because of the children, an understandable reason. So what's the game plan now? Your marriage is evidently an empty shell one. You've completely shut down sexually from your wife because of the years of rejection and resentment.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

FrankieAshter said:


> ...
> 
> I’ve been married for ten years this year. We’ve been together 14. We have two amazing girls aged 7 and 4.
> 
> ...


When the kids came along, I am assuming that your wife took care of them. It's a lot of work taking care of 2 very young kids. It must had been draining for her. She may also had post-partum blues. 

Did you looked after the girls for a few days so that she had a respite? 


When you cheated, you already tore their lives apart. The consequences were not immediate, but they are ongoing and will affect them even into their adulthood.

I would think they are already learning and imprinting your behavior into their head. Or, at least the 7 year old is.


If you are capable, may I suggest you now take the honorable way of working on the problem. The damage is done. You do not have a say in how your marriage will turn out now. Your wife needs to make that decision.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Phoenix2012 said:


> Wasn't his own life ruining though?
> 
> That's not defending "cheating" just a philosohpical question.
> 
> ...


Would that not depend on WHY a spouse would cut off another romantically, physically and intimately? And, assuming the reason is NOT because there is another person involved, then the spouse isn't cheating.

Communication is the key. There has to be a reason. It could be beyond the other spouse's control or understanding. Could be an emotional trauma. Could be a physical/medical issue. Could be that the spouse is being abused and bullied by the inquiring spouse. Could be the spouse knows or suspects that the other spouse is cheating.

And you are right. What kind of relationship is that. Without getting to the heart of the problem together (without another person involved) the marriage is already doomed.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> WORST ADVICE EVER.
> 
> If you do decide not to tell her, you've learned NOTHING from what you did. You're still a liar and a cheat.


LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sbrown said:


> LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.


 Also not true. Admitting what he did brings the truth of his character to his spouse. Causes just pain? No, this gives her the full picture of what and who she is dealing with, as well as the option to either choose to forgive and work on the marriage or choose to boot him out. Not telling her just allows him to avoid the consequences of his actions.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.


So he should leave his wife for this woman which makes the affair obvious or stay with his wife and don't tell her about the affair. Then go to marriage counseling where he should still keep the affair secret and blame all the marital problems on his wife. All of this while he sits there whistling and looking up at the sky like a cat who just swallowed the canary. Brilliant advice.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

OK, Op , here's the deal. 1. If your marriage situation is intolerable, divorce. 2. Divorce, BEFORE you cheat. 3. Before you Divorce, make damn sure that YOU HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING! 4. Think, Using your brain, instead of your nutsack, and you will find that you make better decisions. 5. If you had put the same amount of work into your marriage as you did hitting on your co-worker, do you think you would even be here now? 6. What you are going to do now, depends on if you can man-up or not. 7. My advice is to divorce your wife, THEN see if your relationship with the OW will work or not. As an aside I agree with whoever said that for you to continue your side-show while keeping your wife as a back up, is about as low as you can get.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.


Well you think wrong.

Lemme guess. You're cheating or did cheat and keeping it a secret.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> LOL, not even close to fact, saying he can't learn without telling his wife is just silly. Admitting what he did ONLY brings pain! But if he can grow as a person, walk away knowing the weight of what he did, without bringing pain to anyone else, then I THINK HE SHOULD.



Pain is when he holds it in for years, goes to MC, accomplishes great things in his marriage, and then when things actually start to go better with his W, he starts feeling the guilt build up and the lies build up......then what happens next? He hits her with the news of his A years later.....after all that rebuilding and dealing with problems...Now not only did he drag his wife to MC, he lied for years about a hidden A.....Now THAT would be painful!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

This is a pro-marriage sight so yes cheaters get beat up. Kudos for you for coming here & posting your story.

You are conflicted because of your children. You no longer love your wife - you love the OW.

The good news is that your children are young enough so you leaving will not cripple them as long as you can both parent as mature adults. If you wait until they are pre-teens or teens to leave, then it will be really hard on them.

When you leave a family, many things will change. Your relationships with relatives, your family friends, etc. - so you see, you will not be just leaving your W but your entire lifestyle.

The people I know IRL who left the family for another are all struggling big time. Once the "honeymoon period" of the new relationship wears off & it will, they are left with less money, less friends, less extended family, etc. I look at their sad faces & feel sorry for them.

But, marriages do end all the time. I just want you to think about it very carefully.

Everything that is "young, shiny & bright" eventually gets older & duller.

Good luck.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Ti KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THE AFFAIR! Admitting it will only cause everyone involved more heartache!


oh God!
The worst advice ever! 

No matter how much heartache it brings, it's the truth! His wife has the right to know it!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Frankie, if your wife suddenly changes and becomes the opposite of who she is now , which means - starts making love to you, gives affection and all the things you've been craving for during this time ...

what would you do at this point? 

Would you leave the affair and go back to your wife?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Lmao! Nothing like pissing off the experts...

I wonder if this is how you guys handle it when your SO has a different opinion? That would explain a lot....


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sbrown said:


> Lmao! Nothing like pissing off the experts...
> 
> I wonder if this is how you guys handle it when your SO has a different opinion? That would explain a lot....


It would explain a lot about a person in here encouraging people to lie to avoid taking personal responsibility for their actions and avoid consequences too. And then the all time question " Is that how you handle YOUR relationship?" That would explain just as much.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Sbrown said:


> Lmao! Nothing like pissing off the experts...
> 
> I wonder if this is how you guys handle it when your SO has a different opinion? That would explain a lot....



You're giving poor advice and telling a grown man who made a horrible choice not to own up to it. He created a situation where he has another married party leave their husband for him. Now he wants to keep that going while seeing if he can get his wife to be the woman he wants her to be. Then he will decide what's best for him all the while other lives hang in the balance. Give me a break.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

Frankie done left the building......


I doubt he comes back. Didn't get what he wanted to hear.....


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Sorry I missed him. Frankie, if you see this, what you need to do is divorce your unresponsive wife and then you can "boink" anybody who is willing. Staying with her will in no way teach your children what a loving relationship entails.


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## MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 (Aug 6, 2012)

one_strange_otter said:


> Frankie done left the building......
> 
> 
> I doubt he comes back. Didn't get what he wanted to hear.....


They usually want someone to come along and justify their behavior.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

FrankieAshter said:


> Only I feel between a rock and a hard place. If I stay for my kids, then I will always think what could have been which in the long term will be torturous for me; I also feel I’ve done this now, if I’ve done it once I’ll do it again? Am I just putting off the pain until I’m ‘n’ years older and it will feel like I would have wasted all that time I went back for?


So, I have been where you are at, to some degree, but not to the extent where you took it. I called off all bets when I felt it was going to places that were not appropriate. But, it is this line in your statement (above) that means everything. You have children, and I hate to be a bastard about this, but your happiness is no longer important. I feel for you, but you have the control over how to proceed in a much more mature fashion. Cheating is NOT the solution... There are other ways to deal with this situation. So have you ever considered marriage counseling? Have you ever considered that there could be some underlying medical or deep-seated psychological condition with your wife? Stop thinking below the belt and try to deal with what she may be going through... In my case, my wife actually had a medical issue, and when I pushed her to actually see a physician about it, things greatly improved. You need to explore better options for you the sake of your children. Please find a better way. I wish you the best in your struggles. Oh, and the OW, give her the no contact letter. It needs to be over and now.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Staying for the sake of the children when your marriage is miserable is not modelling healthy behavior for the kids and certainly isn't doing you any good.


I know I am a dissenting voice on this issue, but I don't agree. It is worse to disrupt the lives of those who have little control. I am sorry, he needs to stay for the sake of the children. The only time I would make such an exception would be in abusive situation or cases where there is a serious safety issue (addict, etc.). It does not sound like they fight much in front of the children... no doubt that they probably don't model the best behavior, however absences is worse.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

FrankieAshter said:


> All quotes and critisms are fair enough, but if you read back I did confront the situation. I asked her to talk about things. I suggested we should spend more time together, she preferred to watch soap operas.
> 
> I accept the critisms with my hands held high, but, like I said, there's two sides to every coin. I'll accept I did not communicate effectively, but I did try at least.


Did you seek professional help? It does help, you would be surprised. Caveat, I am not a professional therapist, so no, I do not have a stake in trying to promote that profession. However, I think you need to consider a third party in the way of professional therapy.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Post and run.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

No matter what the problems in the marriage, the simple fact is cheating is never justified. The reason cheating is never justified is....it NEVER solves the problems in the marriage. All it does is create new problems and ensures that in the end, considerably more than the two people in the marriage are wounded.

There's this amazing new development in Western countries, and it's actually been around for quite some time, and it's called a divorce. And the reason it exists is so that no one ever has to stay in an unsatisfying marriage with a spouse who doesn't communicate or meet one's needs. 

The really fantastic thing about it is that once the divorce is granted, you can date any single women you like! And as long as you're honest and upfront about it, you can have as many single friends as you like--the sky's the limit! And the _other_ great thing about dating single people is that then you aren't guilted into staying with one of them just because you induced them to commit adultery and then leave their spouse for you!

I don't get the whole concept of not divorcing 'for the sake of the children' while cheating. I don't expect anyone has looked their child in the eyes and said, 'I f*cked them just for you--I was only trying to be a good parent.' Maybe you could be the first.

Sure, denying one's spouse sex is extremely selfish. Cheating is extremely selfish too. Since when do two wrongs make a right?Like everyone else, it's easy to tell that the most you did was talk to her about it a little bit, just enough to ease your conscience, and then you were off to find her replacement. Marriage counseling and sex therapy being rather expensive, as well as a snore.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> There's this amazing new development in Western countries, and it's actually been around for quite some time, and it's called a divorce. And the reason it exists is so that no one ever has to stay in an unsatisfying marriage with a spouse who doesn't communicate or meet one's needs.
> 
> Sure, denying one's spouse sex is extremely selfish. Cheating is extremely selfish too. Since when do two wrongs make a right?Like everyone else, it's easy to tell that the most you did was talk to her about it a little bit, just enough to ease your conscience, and then you were off to find her replacement. Marriage counseling and sex therapy being rather expensive, as well as a snore.


Although I don't believe Frank is listening any longer since he did not seem to get the "support/justification" he was hoping for, I would like to say as a general response to these types of posts: one needs to at least take every opportunity to investigate why a spouse would turn so cold. 

Case in point, my wife for over a year just turned cold. She even elbowed me in the ribs when I tried to engage her some sexual romance. I was denied at every turn. I pursued and did not give up... yes I had opportunities to cheat and in fact a woman did take interest in me and I was flattered until I woke up and realized "NO", this is not the way to go. I basically cut off the relationship before it could take hold. Was I tempted? sure I was. I then took a new approach - I insisted that my wife first see a medical doctor to see if there is any underlying issues. I signed us up for MC (not boring or useless). You do need to ask a lot of questions upfront of the MC to get one that will work for you. Come to find out my wife actually had an underlying medical issue that was treatable. In addition she started to exercise and all has changed. 

It really is too easy to cut and run just so you can sleep around. Too bad in our Western Society we often think below the waistline too often.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Pain is when he holds it in for years, goes to MC, accomplishes great things in his marriage, and then when things actually start to go better with his W, he starts feeling the guilt build up and the lies build up......then what happens next? He hits her with the news of his A years later.....after all that rebuilding and dealing with problems...Now not only did he drag his wife to MC, he lied for years about a hidden A.....Now THAT would be painful!





lovelygirl said:


> oh God!
> The worst advice ever!
> 
> No matter how much heartache it brings, it's the truth! His wife has the right to know it!





DawnD said:


> It would explain a lot about a person in here encouraging people to lie to avoid taking personal responsibility for their actions and avoid consequences too. And then the all time question " Is that how you handle YOUR relationship?" That would explain just as much.





MAKINGSENSEOFIT2 said:


> You're giving poor advice and telling a grown man who made a horrible choice not to own up to it. He created a situation where he has another married party leave their husband for him. Now he wants to keep that going while seeing if he can get his wife to be the woman he wants her to be. Then he will decide what's best for him all the while other lives hang in the balance. Give me a break.


After some soul searching of my own and bouncing some ideas off of my wife about this subject. I have to admit I think my advice was a little "knee jerk" and the advice to come clean may be the path to take. OP has already hurt his wife, she just doesn't know it yet. Funny as it may sound it reminds me of the coyote that ran off the cliff but never fell until he realized he's off the cliff. The OP pushed his wife off, she just doesn't know it yet. You guys are correct, I am wrong. OP if you still read this, it is time to man up.

Coming clean has a cleansing affect for the guilty party. I think back to telling my ex all the stuff I did (No I never cheated) and the weight that was lifted off of me.


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