# Caught in the middle



## New2marriage (Mar 21, 2012)

Hey everyone
I'm learning from the thread how important it is to link to old threads for more accurate feedback so here goes nothing. (I'll leave link at the end. MY husband and I are both working now we don't make a lot but it's enough for us to do we what we need to. In my old post I mentioned before that we live in my mom's house with my younger teen sister, and older brother (33 yrs old in army). The issue is that my husband has been in the country 2 years in October. My family has been very supportive in helping us get settled. I'm beginning to think I've depended on them for to much as now things have gotten to a breaking point. Everyone needs to have an identity away from family. But we both don't have that because we both work with my family. See I work for my aunt (my mom's sister) at her school. The plan was for me to work there for awhile until I can either get another job or return to school. I am still working there which creates tension at times because I don't get paid much and work long hours. 

I met my husband through my uncle S. Since they were friends this uncle S helped my husband get a job at the place my uncle S is working. I never felt to comfortable with my husband working so closely with my uncle or being so friendly with him as it had to potential to confuse boundaries. 

We have 1 car it's not new but it's dependable. As a result my husband must get dropped off by my mother to work every morning and in the afternoon gets dropped off by uncles to my job where he takes our car home. My husband is grateful for the rides but is eager to be independent. He does not want to be a burden to other people when they have things to do & places to go. He saved up his money to buy a used car and my other uncle (we'll call him uncle H) promised to fix it for him. He bought the car 5 or 6 months ago and the car started running but is still not driveable.

Last week I was asked by my mother to take my younger sister to a dentist appointment meaning the car would not be available for my husband to drive home. It was rainy out so not a good day to be stranded. I asked my husband if he could find someone to drop him home. My husband was upset because no one at work wanted to give him a ride home. My uncle S saw he was upset and my husband was venting about how long it was taking my other uncle H to finish working on the car. They got into an argument and things got ugly from there. Needless to say no one gave him a ride home and I ended up picking him up as he waited 2 hours for me to come get him. 

Now my uncle S went to the rest of the family and started telling them all these negative things about my husband. Since they are friends he pretty much exposed some things that are causing some major problems. He told them that my husband wants to separate me from the family, and that my mother never does things around the house, that he wanted to build a home outside of the country (which I know all about). Now I know my husband and it seems like his words were taken out of context. As a couple we do feel pressure to do things around the house but what son in law doesn't? I feel like these were things that were shared in private and blown out of proportion. My mother who is usually very comfortable with my husband is acting different and this morning my husband called me from work and said that she is upset. He is afraid my mother is going to ask him to move out of the house. I am caught in the middle. I'm sorry if this post is so long. I am thinking that this is my fault. What do you all suggest?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/financ...2331-parent-wants-joint-saving-me-spouse.html


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

What steps have you made to become independent? Have you been saving money? Searching for work away from your aunt?

You need to work harder to find a way to be independent of your family. I strongly suggest finding a way to live independent of them....move to a small bachelor apt near his work so you are not dependent on a car, or near public transportation. You've been in this situation too long and it's taking a toll on everyone. 

I would make sure your mother knows you appreciate all the support she has given you. But it's time to start helping yourselves, now that you are both working. And hopefully your H has learned his lesson that personal matters in your marriage should stay between YOU and HIM, not his friends (especially if that friend is a relative of yours)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. It's time to find a new solution. Find a one-room efficiency apartment downtown or near bus or rail transportation; find an extra job to save up money for the downpayment; look up online training courses for both of you to get into a higher paying job. Plan to move out by end of December and don't spend a CENT on anything between now and then, and save your money.


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