# Is a man getting a lap dance in TX, cheating?



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I hear that in TX the dancers are allowed more freedom with their actions and what they are wearing (or not wearing). My husband has declared that getting lap dances are not cheating... I totally disagree for a married man. Its no wonder his ex fiance left him before they got married... apparently he got these more than several times while he was with her. 

Second question... since he doesnt view them as cheating, whats your take on me going out and finding a man to grind on? If its not cheating for him to do it, it wouldnt be cheating for me to do it?

We had a nice weekend, but what a joke of a marriage! He had more fun than me as he viewed porn for an hour and a half while I was running errands and at a girlfriends party on Sunday afternoon. On the positive side... he did have sex with me 4 times this weekend, Im not sure thats even a positive anymore


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is cheating in my opinion. I don't care if the barrier is a condom or a pair of Dockers. If it is out of bounds for you in the marriage it is out of bounds. Simple enough.


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

I agree it's cheating. Anytime any partner turns outside the marriage to get furfillment in any way it is cheating. They only person he should look to is you. Did you know he felt like this and did these things while you were dating? Did you let it slide then? If you did it will be harder to address it and make him see that it is wrong now because he will ask why it was ok then but not now? I would still let him know how you feel about it and that it needs to stop. I would not look at his having sex 4 times in a weekend as a good thing. Is that what it takes for him to want to be so intimate with you? To have someone else rubbing all over them and putting their stuff in his face? He is lusting for other women and that is not ok. Once you tell him how you feel and that it is not ok, he will have no exuses about doing it. He will have been told that it is not ok, and once he knows that, if he continued, that would def. be cheating. It would also tell you a lot about the type of man that he is. It would show you that he does not care about your feelings and is willing to give up what he has with you for a few minutes of pleasure with another woman. And I can't see a man like that being worth it.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

toolate said:


> I hear that in TX the dancers are allowed more freedom with their actions and what they are wearing (or not wearing).


Yes, some places in Tx have full nude strip clubs. From what I understand the place cannot serve alcohol, (BYOB). But from what I know freedom with their actions there ARE rules, but of course are they always followed? I dunno



toolate said:


> My husband has declared that getting lap dances are not cheating... I totally disagree for a married man. Its no wonder his ex fiance left him before they got married... apparently he got these more than several times while he was with her.


Is it fully cheating? I'm not entirely positive or sure. Is it wrong? Yes, most definitely. As a married man unless you are there with your wife or with her permission and blessing, you shouldn't be there at all.



toolate said:


> Second question... since he doesnt view them as cheating, whats your take on me going out and finding a man to grind on? If its not cheating for him to do it, it wouldnt be cheating for me to do it?


If you both are okay with it, then that's fine. As long as you both don't start getting jealous or hurt. Honestly if you are wanting to experience it, you both should go together (one to a male club and one to a female club). I think after going to both it will make you both realize that it's not where you want to be. Or, who knows it may awake some new past time for yall to enjoy together.



toolate said:


> On the positive side... he did have sex with me 4 times this weekend, Im not sure thats even a positive anymore


If being intimate with your spouse is not something you enjoy or is positive that means there are things yall have to work out together.

From my own personal view porn, strip clubs, etc are not something I enjoy. Things you see in porn and a strip club can ALL be done at home with each other. Why go to a restaurant and just look and smell the food when you can go home and eat it as well! ;-) 

That is just my own personal view though. Some couples do view porn, go to strip clubs and they are happy. But in those cases they are usually done together. I think that in the end is what's important, if your both wanting to do it I think it's okay.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

background:

Hapily married pretty open sexually. I Enjoy masturbating, porn, have the typical mens fantasies....think this is all ok in moderation and my wife agrees as long as it is alll in moderation and is never a substitute for our sex between us which it never is. 

I think going to a strip bar is a very strange topic as it is guy's dirty little secret that sometimes they fail to tell their wives about. IN some cases it is veiwed as clean guy fun. Heck I have had bosses who would take me to "joints" on our expense accounts and paid for lap dances on those accounts, we just had to swear to management (if asked) it was in the spirit of "entertaining clients" Men trully see the whole thing as some kind of male bonding thing and therefore should be ok. Clearly the whole thing is a strange phenoninon. 

My wife is not crazy about me going and i don't go often. I used to feel differentcly but, now believe Lap dances are not ok (for me anyway) especially if there is physical contact that is common with these things. I think it is way too physical for me. My guy friends would probably get mad at me but, this is the way i feel. It is/can be a peer induced thing (not that guys complain) but, i have had my buddies try and buy me dances. It is some male bonding, slapping on the back thing but, again still think it is not ok. 

If a women is ok with Lap dances (and understand the extent of the contact) then to me is not a violation of marital trust. 

I don't think it can really be classified as cheating but, think it is a grey area, walks a fine line and puts a man in a dangerous situation where they may be able to justify going "a little bit further".


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## wife&mama (Jun 12, 2010)

Crypsys said:


> From my own personal view porn, strip clubs, etc are not something I enjoy. Things you see in porn and a strip club can ALL be done at home with each other. Why go to a restaurant and just look and smell the food when you can go home and eat it as well! ;-)




:iagree: Sitting and watching other people having sex (porn) makes no sense when I could be doing it instead. If you look at most porn movies, are the actors ever sitting around watching others or are they doing it? They are doing it! Not sitting around watching. 

Not to mention that most these girls have had very troubled lives, bad childhoods, and low self esteem. Sadly, there are too many people who by watching and buying these movies are saying, "who cares about your low esteem and problems? I am going to use you to get off." Sad, sad, sad. And yes, I know these many of these girls have these problems because I used to work where the movies were produced and distributed.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

It's not that he's wrong it's that you're probably wrong for each other. He needs someone who shares his idea of a good time and you need someone who shares yours.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

toolate said:


> I hear that in TX the dancers are allowed more freedom with their actions and what they are wearing (or not wearing). My husband has declared that getting lap dances are not cheating... I totally disagree for a married man. Its no wonder his ex fiance left him before they got married... apparently he got these more than several times while he was with her.
> 
> Second question... since he doesnt view them as cheating, whats your take on me going out and finding a man to grind on? If its not cheating for him to do it, it wouldnt be cheating for me to do it?
> 
> We had a nice weekend, but what a joke of a marriage! He had more fun than me as he viewed porn for an hour and a half while I was running errands and at a girlfriends party on Sunday afternoon. On the positive side... he did have sex with me 4 times this weekend, Im not sure thats even a positive anymore


Hmmm. Not so sure about the lapdancing thing.

I've been to lapdancing places before with my mates for a laugh. Had lapdance. Told wife about everything and she just laughed and said I was sad.

Not sure about the USA but here in the UK, its strictly regulated. No touching or anything but the girls are naked. Any messing and you can guarantee you will get lobbed out.

In fact, the lap dancing place is on one of the the main streets in my nearest city - Cardiff.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

tjohnson said:


> background:
> 
> Hapily married pretty open sexually. I Enjoy masturbating, porn, have the typical mens fantasies....think this is all ok in moderation and my wife agrees as long as it is alll in moderation and is never a substitute for our sex between us which it never is.
> 
> ...


Agree with TJ here about if being a male bonding thing....


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## gmailgirl (Aug 29, 2009)

yes


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

so for sake of understanding, when a woman (Wife) goes to a male strip club and one of those buff dudes grinds all over her giggly self while the entire crowd of supercharged females cheers it all on, the wife is cheating.....got it


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> It is cheating in my opinion. I don't care if the barrier is a condom or a pair of Dockers. If it is out of bounds for you in the marriage it is out of bound. Simple enough.


:iagree:

Your husband needs to be focusing on you.


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## SweetiepieMI (Jan 22, 2010)

I dont think it is as easy as saying yes it is cheating. While it may or may not be acceptable behavior- its not the same as an affair in my opinion. There are couples who are perfectly fine with strip clubs. There are those who aren't. Instead of asking opinions on here, just go with YOUR feelings. If it isn't ok with you, then voice that concern and tell him the reasons why.
Maybe try to compromise and see where he's coming from and go with him 1 time. If you still feel the same way about it, then let him know, you tried it out, you dont like it, and he should respect your feelings on it.

I have personally gone a few times with hubs, and he got a lap dance 1 of those times. While I did find the lap dance mildly uncomfortable, the strip club itself wasnt that bad. So our rule - we go together and we dont get dances- and thats the what works for us. You just need to have open communication about it and figure out what works for you


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

SweetiepieMI said:


> I dont think it is as easy as saying yes it is cheating. While it may or may not be acceptable behavior- its not the same as an affair in my opinion. There are couples who are perfectly fine with strip clubs. There are those who aren't. Instead of asking opinions on here, just go with YOUR feelings. If it isn't ok with you, then voice that concern and tell him the reasons why.
> Maybe try to compromise and see where he's coming from and go with him 1 time. If you still feel the same way about it, then let him know, you tried it out, you dont like it, and he should respect your feelings on it.
> 
> I have personally gone a few times with hubs, and he got a lap dance 1 of those times. While I did find the lap dance mildly uncomfortable, the strip club itself wasnt that bad. So our rule - we go together and we dont get dances- and thats the what works for us. You just need to have open communication about it and figure out what works for you


Great answer. I have been married 24 years and it always seems easier to voice my issues here to strangers that dont know me or my wife rather than asking the wife. Life is strange sometimes. Why is it the longer we are with our mate communication gets harder?


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

It's only cheating if your wife forbids it or doesn't like it.

I agree 100% with the observation that it's more of a male bonding thing.

My wife never had a problem with lapdancing or porn and I seldom enjoy either. In fact last time I was in a strip joint the wife was with me.

Interstingly a friends hen party was at our house a few years ago and the girls had some dancers from the local club come and do "lessons" on poile dancing for them...and they all had a blast. One woman, however, apparently was sucking lemons the whole time and came out with all the "a man who likes that isn't worth having" and the "you shouldn't be watching others, you should be doing it yourself" and "I seduce my man just fine" stuff. She left after about an hour. Interstingly, her husband left her a few months later and she's screwing her boss.

Go figure.


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## sonya_s (Jun 9, 2010)

After reading this entire thread...all I want to say is that I thought I had a marital problem BUT THANK GOD for an awesome husband who is so loyal and faithful and who disgusts at even the thought of somebody else stimulating him. Thank you all............i think I should count my blessings.....i am seeing how men in this forum are wondering and debating if lapdances are cheating or not ??!!!!! THANK GOD FOR my knight in shining armor. Thank you all.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

The issue isn't about what Texas allows. The issue is about what your husband allows. He knows this hurts you and continues his behavior anyways. That is totally disrespectful to you and to your marriage and in doing so, yes, cheating. Why? Because he is cheating you out of a healthy, happy relationship based on trust and love. 
I disagree that this is harmless, male bonding fun. Playing a round of golf is harmless male bonding fun. I have never heard of a man lying to his wife about playing 18 holes but I have heard of plenty who lie about how they got body glitter on them.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I disagree that this is harmless, male bonding fun. Playing a round of golf is harmless male bonding fun. I have never heard of a man lying to his wife about playing 18 holes but I have heard of plenty who lie about how they got body glitter on them.


I agree with you on that (although I despise golf). I was invited a few weeks ago to a friends bachelor party. I specifically asked if we would be going to a strip club, they said no. After hanging out bowling and at a bar they all wanted to go to a strip club. I told them I wasn't going to go (problem was I didn't have my car). Of course the typical insults were hurled at me, but that was okay by me. The next day I had a bunch of groomsmen who kept asking/begging me (Don't tell my wife). I didn't tell anyone. But I'll never understand that mentality myself.

I drew that line in the sand long ago about strip clubs and nothing will get me to cross it.


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

tjohnson said:


> background:
> 
> Hapily married pretty open sexually. I Enjoy masturbating, porn, have the typical mens fantasies....think this is all ok in moderation and my wife agrees as long as it is alll in moderation and is never a substitute for our sex between us which it never is.
> 
> ...


OOOOoooh, uuuummmm, oooohhhhh reallly tjohnson? 

Coooollllll....... then I guess you're good with your wife or significant other getting the same ummmm... perks.

Yes? then I'm DOWN too. Cause I too have an "expense account" and I'm not a Man! Wooohooo!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Crypys, I agree with you that any activity that involves lying to the spouse isn't a marriage building activity and therefore NOT harmless.


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## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

Perhaps i was not clear i DONT think lap dances are ok for a married person UNLESS their significant other is OK with it and understands the extent of the contact that is typically involved. I have seen couples go into these places where one or both parties get lap dances. My wife has been OK with me looking at stippers but, i feel strongly that lap dances cross a line for me and her and i respect that. 

What makes the issue interesting/complicated is how grey this area is. I said "It is some male bonding, slapping on the back thing but, again still think it is not ok." 

My only point here is not that it is ok by me or should be. My point is that many men feel it is ok. So much so that multimillion dollar organizations have in some way letigimize it by underwriting its cost. It is likely too that his friends view it as ok. 

The important thing that I would walk away TOOLATE with is that YOU are not ok with it which is what the issue is here. He should respect that. 

I don't agree with you or other's ideas that suggesting that you should do the same because: this says it is ok as long as it is ok for both of you. Unless i am missing something this is not true and therefore game playing. It could also backfire as he may Trully not share your objection to it. The issue is that you don't feel it is appropriate to have a women rub her stuff all over his stuff. 

I believe (and you may be able to do internet research on this that in some states many clubs like this are shut down in certain states because grinding a man in that fashion is considered prostitution. The area is so on the fringe of cheating that the states can't decide what is "too far".


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I agree that he should just grow up and leave that 19-22 year old stuff to the 19-22 year olds.

To answer your question, I don't know if it's "cheating" but the behavior is inappropriate. 

The only time I think a man should get a pass if he's obligated to attend a bachelor party. I think his woman shouldn't freak about it because it's just an obligatory male bonding thing as stupid as it is.

I am assuming this wasn't for a bachelor party.

(and if I were to do my bachelor party over again, I'd rather do paint ball or something like that vs. the dancer and stuff)


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Brennan said:


> The issue isn't about what Texas allows. The issue is about what your husband allows. He knows this hurts you and continues his behavior anyways. That is totally disrespectful to you and to your marriage and in doing so, yes, cheating. Why? Because he is cheating you out of a healthy, happy relationship based on trust and love.
> I disagree that this is harmless, male bonding fun. Playing a round of golf is harmless male bonding fun. I have never heard of a man lying to his wife about playing 18 holes but I have heard of plenty who lie about how they got body glitter on them.


Lying about it is completely different I agree.


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## Eraz2010 (Apr 1, 2010)

sonya_s said:


> After reading this entire thread...all I want to say is that I thought I had a marital problem BUT THANK GOD for an awesome husband who is so loyal and faithful and who disgusts at even the thought of somebody else stimulating him. THANK GOD FOR my knight in shining armor. Thank you all.


Umm, yup, a-ha, sure.

Lemme guess... he finds porn "degrading to women", too, I bet? Does he think football is kinda stupid, too?

Don't get me wrong, I respect his work and all... but f he finds himself out of a job ever, drop me a line. I'm always on the look-out for good sales guys.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Every person has their own opinion if it's right or wrong. 

The true issue is that you feel it's wrong and your husband is failing to validate your feelings or bothering to try to negotiate anything that would be more comfortable for you. 

He sees no problem, so he does it. Your feelings don't matter and that is what's truly sad about this situation.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

eraz:

LOL. That was funny.

What's the matter? You don't beleive guys like me who state they never have a naughty thought?

Never in a million years?

I"m sure all of the women of the forum could read this instantly about me.

But you know. . .we laugh but there are men out there like that her knight in shining armor - The 40 Year Old Virgin?

I'll never forget a line from that movie that I did somewhat identify with (and let's face it - the 40 year old virgin is in every man a teeny, tiny bit - that's what makes that movie so hilarious - and I wasn't sure who was more dysfunctional - him or his friends trying to get him laid) -

"I respect women so much that I never even touch them!!! So there!!!"

LOL. I can remember thinking that when I was younger. It's like you have this idea you have to prove to women you respect them and omigosh, women never want to be thought of as sex objects. 

Except they do once in awhile at least. 

Ladies, it's tough being a guy. I know you have the monthly bill and the baby thing but still. . .throw some pity at your sons out there. It's cruel femine world, LOL.


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## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

YES! unless you have an open marriage. so stop it!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Crypsys said:


> If you both are okay with it, then that's fine. As long as you both don't start getting jealous or hurt. Honestly if you are wanting to experience it, you both should go together (one to a male club and one to a female club). I think after going to both it will make you both realize that it's not where you want to be. Or, who knows it may awake some new past time for yall to enjoy together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I don't think you are crazy at all SimplyAmorous. If it works for you, that's great. Many people don't realize how "couple friendly" a strip club is unless they go see for themselves. Porn is also a great past time and there are more and more movies that are based towards women and couples as well to enjoy together.

They certainly don't work for everyone and couples need to find out what is okay for each other and what's not and honor that. I would suggest at least try it once unless your spiritual beliefs absolutely forbid it. At least if it doesn't work out you'll have had a better education about it, and your partner will feel better that you at least attempted to be open minded about it and gave them that benefit of doubt.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> We both enjoy porn together & we are ever faithful to one another. Most would think I am crazy for allowing this but it has not hampered our relationship in any way at all, but added a little excitement, entertainment.


I don't think it's crazy. If your both having fun, then that's great! As long as something like that is enjoyed and done together, then I don't see how it can possibly be a detriment to a relationship. 

All of us have aspects of our relationships that will work for us, that may never work or even be harmful to another relationship.


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