# Waves of Anger



## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Been separated for 7 months now. I'm enjoying some of the perks of my time and space alone. I was married when I was 19 for 23 years so this is new territory. I am trying to embrace and enjoy. 

However, the waves of anger are intense. How do others work through them? When do they pass? Sometimes I get so angry about what he did to the marriage and angry at myself for not realizing what was going on under my nose. He had a girlfriend/mistress for 7 years. Before it all blew up, there was a total of 3 girlfriends.

Any suggestions on working/dealing with the anger? Therapist just tells me "it's normal to be angry".


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this.

You might want to read up on the stages of grief, which is what you are experiencing.

IMHO, there is a silver lining here, most of us found the anguish, sadnes and pain of the split to be crippling. Similarly, many of us were able to use our anger to motivate ourselves to do 180's and move towards our futures.

For me anger=motivation.

Can you use it to work on yourself because after a while it will fade.

Stretch


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## greenapple (Apr 21, 2014)

I am sorry you're going through this, and hope you feel better soon.
Your therapist is correct about your anger, but, being angry can either eventually get worse leading to other issues in your mental and physical health or it can be over and once you heal you will no longer feel anger. Now, for this to turn out in a positive way I think is best you seek professional help and actually helps you deal with the anger and moving from the past, or seek it on you own like I did. I lived angry with my STBXH for several years because of what he did to our marriage and to me (mistress, lies, emotional abuse etc.) until I got tired of feeling that way, so I started a process on my own and went church and started reading and listening about forgiveness. Now, let me tell you forgiveness is easy to say but very hard to acomplish, but from the bottom of my heart I tell you it is possible and it doesn't mean you will get back with your husband or "he will get his way" no! is not like that because once you forgive you will have peace in your heart and you won't be thinking about the negativity. You deserve this incredible peace and trust me I know you can do it! As for me, that is the best thing I could've done ever! I am soon divorcing my husband of 8 yrs and I have peace in my heart although I do feel pain about other things like my son etc, I no longer feel angry towards him. My love for him went away a while ago and so did every angry feeling but it was thanks to my decision of forgiving him and slowly letting go of the past so that I could move on. :smthumbup:think about it,,,I wish you the best:smthumbup:


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's called the "coulda woulda shoulda" type of thinking.

Now you say that your trying to enjoy your freedom. Well you are free in a physical sense and now in order to be totally free, quit dwelling in the past. 

It's history. You can't change what took place yesterday or a week, month, or years ago. It's done so move on and be happy.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Your XH had an affair for 7 years and you did not know about it.

Can you define your anger? 

Humiliation, betrayal, etc.

Differentiate the emotions then deal with them individually. 

Undifferentiated anger (emotions) will inhibit growth and healing.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for the replies and insights. So far, I have failed at the 180. The no contact gets me in trouble. I like to send email/text rants to him. There were two affairs prior to my most recent discovery. They were 7 and 8 years ago. I forgave and let the anger go from those initial two affairs many years ago. We did MC and he did IC. Basically, he "talked" a good talk.... I think I am angry at myself for being so darn naive! Lashing out at him takes the focus away from me. I'm going to concentrate/focus on no contact and trying to forgive myself for being blind.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Maybe the next time you feel the need to send STBXH a rant you should type it up and post it here. That gives you the release of getting it all out and could very well provide you with feedback from others who have gone through the same thing. It also avoids his likely manipulation since you say he "talked a good talk" during his several A.

As you process it all, it really does get better, but I'm not sure the scars ever completely heal over.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

It has been 15 months for me and I am just now gettig waves of anger. I always believed the very best of my husband. I was wrong.
I have begun reading
The Four Agreements

It is a great method to let go of the past.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

No contact was working out well. I was feeling pretty ok. I was feeling productive at work again. I started to make dinner once again for D17.. I felt like I was gaining control back. SBXH sent me an email the other day to inquire if I did a refi on the house. I did which was the cordial part.... then before I could stop myself-all these feelings of hurt started surfacing. I keep telling myself it is a process..... there is light on the other side. The roller coaster of emotions is a challenge. Moved from anger to hurt.. who knows what will surface next week or so?


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Things surfacing like that are also normal. And it sucks. But it does get much better with time. I went through something like this. My STBXH had 2 different women 13 years ago. He almost left, but we worked it out. Just when I was finally not having so many bad dreams visioning him with another woman or leaving me, he goes and does it again. This time he wanted to leave. I was upset for 2 weeks, and then I woke up and realized I do NOT have to fear what would or would not happen anymore. I was done. I haven't looked back since. Once I made that decision in my head, I started sleeping. No more insomnia! I am angry about what he's done, but it's not going to define who I am. I'm not going to give that to him. He's already taken enough away from me. I have up my career so he could follow his. Now I'm 50 with two kids headed off to college soon, and starting over with nothing. I sometimes am angry about that. But at the same time, I feel this immense sense of freedom too. I'm going to go with it that way instead. I refuse to let him get under my skin any more!!!!! I dealt with way too much emotional pain over the years that he caused, and I just will not do that now. 

If he emails or texts you again, just pick and choose when you look. Make yourself prepared and ready to deal with an answer. Nothing he sends you can demand an immediate answer.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

SawbladeLily said:


> Things surfacing like that are also normal. And it sucks. But it does get much better with time. I went through something like this. My STBXH had 2 different women 13 years ago. He almost left, but we worked it out. Just when I was finally not having so many bad dreams visioning him with another woman or leaving me, he goes and does it again. This time he wanted to leave. I was upset for 2 weeks, and then I woke up and realized I do NOT have to fear what would or would not happen anymore. I was done. I haven't looked back since. Once I made that decision in my head, I started sleeping. No more insomnia! I am angry about what he's done, but it's not going to define who I am. I'm not going to give that to him. He's already taken enough away from me. I have up my career so he could follow his. Now I'm 50 with two kids headed off to college soon, and starting over with nothing. I sometimes am angry about that. But at the same time, I feel this immense sense of freedom too. I'm going to go with it that way instead. I refuse to let him get under my skin any more!!!!! I dealt with way too much emotional pain over the years that he caused, and I just will not do that now.
> 
> If he emails or texts you again, just pick and choose when you look. Make yourself prepared and ready to deal with an answer. Nothing he sends you can demand an immediate answer.



Yes, you are exactly right! I am not going to let what he did define the rest of my life. i am 42 with a child on her way out off college and the 2nd on her way. So I am closing one chapter and opening another. Some pieces of it are liberating, I went to buy my first dishwasher today. SBXH usually handled those types of purchases. It was a good feeling. I know I will eventually work through anger and hurt. it just takes time.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

STBXH is returning from deployment tomorrow-6 weeks early.. I'm angry about this. Living on two different continents was good while it lasted... 

He plans to pick up some of his belongings tomorrow including his car I stored for him. Advice.. be at home when he comes or not? He has pretty much emotionally detached from the marriage. I am still cycling through the process. 

He also plans to attend daughter's game tomorrow. I know this is good for our daughter. I've enjoyed not seeing him..


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