# Questions for men about woman's attractiveness...



## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

I found out about my H's EA last week, and i kicked him out of the house right after i found out.

However i asked him a few questions about the OW, and in our conversation i asked him if he loves her and he said "No" and i asked again a couple days ago if he had fallen in love with her, and he said "I already told you NO, there is a spark and connection between us, we have a lot of things in common...and it could potentialy develop into something more".

Eventho i have never meet this OW, my friends have pretty much described what she looks like to me....so I told him that from what my friends have described about her physical attributes, she doesn't sound like his type...i know the kind of girls he likes or found attractive and she doesn't fall into that category.

Then he told me "if i saw her on the street, i would probably wouldn't look at her twice....but its not always about looks, there is a spark and connection between us that i dont have with you."

Now im curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?

So here is my questions to the men here....is the way you judge your partner's attractiveness only based on your emotional attachment to her?

And is it true that MOST men have an emotional need to have an attractive spouse? 

I guess in some level (if im being completely honest) i would like to know if after the initial spark wear off between my H and the OW, would he still find her attractive seeing that she is not usually his type in the physical and look department. 

Now that he is going to move in with her, there will be other things they need to deal with in a day to day life (such as bills to pay, cleaning, laundry, work stress, kids etc) beside just flirting in the office or meeting up for a coffee or lunch for an hour an day to stroke each other's ego.

So men of the clubhouse (why does this always reminds me of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from Disney Channel? lol)....I would like to know your take or your insight on this please


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I think as people mature they start putting more importance on personality rather than looks.

I rather be paired up with someone who smiles than someone that always complains. someone with an overall good attitude goes along way in this world.


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## At wits end (Aug 10, 2011)

A "10" in looks can turn into a 3 real quick with the wrong attitude, it works both ways for people who are not superficial. Someone with "so- so" looks can suddenly become much better looking if there is a hormonal connection going on. Personally I would rather be with someone who I can relate too rather than a shallow person with great looks!


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

thanks chillymorn & At wits end....appreciate your input on this.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Overwhelmingly ... in the case of both sexes, a cheating partner tends to affair 'down'.

Meaning, their affair partner is generally not as attractive, successful, responsible, (add general positive quality here) as their spouse is.

They choose someone that VALIDATES them, by providing them with something that they don't feel they are getting from their spouse.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why are you thinking it was just an emotional affair? I think it more likely he found someone to have a physical affair with, and he's not telling you the truth.

On the other hand, I've never dated or had a relationship with someone with my "ideal" physical type. And it's never been the physical attraction that's caused me to reconsider.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Down,
The pure physical is just a "would I want to have sex with this person without knowing anything about them". Over time, compatibility, positive shared experiences of all types - sexual and non sexual - drive attraction.

QUOTE=DownUnder;663058]I found out about my H emotional affair with his co-worker last week, and i kicked him out of the house right after i found out.

However i asked him a few questions about the OW, and in our conversation i asked him if he loves her and he said "No" and i asked again a couple days ago if he had fallen in love with her, and he said "I already told you NO, there is a spark and connection between us, we have a lot of things in common...and it could potentialy develop into something more".

He is moving in with the OW today because she is the most convinient and easy option.

Eventho i have never meet this OW a few of my friends have saw them together in the street as they were going to have lunch together and my friends have pretty much described what she looks like to me....so I told him that from what my friends have described about her physical attributes, she doesn't sound like his type...i know the kind of girls he likes or found attractive and she doesn't fall into that category.

Then he told me "if i saw her on the street, i would probably wouldn't look at her twice....but its not always about looks, there is a spark and connection between us that i dont have with you."

Now im curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?

So here is my questions to the men here....is the way you judge your partner's attractiveness only based on your emotional attachment to her?

And is it true that MOST men have an emotional need to have an attractive spouse? 

I guess in some level (if im being completely honest) i would like to know if after the initial spark wear off between my H and the OW, would he still find her attractive seeing that she is not usually his type in the physical and look department. 

Now that he is going to move in with her, there will be other things they need to deal with in a day to day life (such as bills to pay, cleaning, laundry, work stress, kids etc) beside just flirting in the office or meeting up for a coffee or lunch for an hour an day to stroke each other's ego.

So men of the clubhouse (why does this always reminds me of the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse from Disney Channel? lol)....I would like to know your take or your insight on this please [/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

Thanks for your input guys.

Maybe my H & the OW will be happy together then....seeing that physical attractiveness doesn't seem all that important when you have compatibility. And he told me they are very compatible and he doesn't find me compatible with him.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

AllThePrettyHorses said:


> Maybe, maybe not.
> The moment you won't care what they are doing is when life will take a turn for the better.
> And that moment will come for you, DownUnder.


Thank you, and i really REALLY hope so....


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Maybe my H & the OW will be happy together then....seeing that physical attractiveness doesn't seem all that important when you have compatibility. And he told me they are very compatible and he doesn't find me compatible with him.


Let us hope. It would be wonderful if they found happiness. Your problem is more about your happiness or lack thereof.

To the "attractiveness" question, in me it's too complicated to reduce down to anything simple. For instance, I don't like blondes and I don't like size 0 child-like bodies. But we were just watching a show and damn but there was this actress and she looked pretty cute. Oh well.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

Nope.. the sister "Sam" from being Erica... That is just so not my type in any way but yet... *sighs*. Carol thinks it's because she looks vaguely like a miniature version of 7-of-9 and I'm a geek and, of course, all us geeks fantasize about 7.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

DownUnder said:


> Thanks for your input guys.
> 
> Maybe my H & the OW will be happy together then....seeing that physical attractiveness doesn't seem all that important when you have compatibility. And he told me they are very compatible and he doesn't find me compatible with him.


Pure physical attractiveness isn't everything by a long shot. I call my wife beautiful everyday, and I love her and I'm more than pleased with how she looks. At the same rate, there are more physically attractive women out there, but I don't wish for a second I was with them. There's more to beauty than what's at skin level.

We share common senses of humor (and mine's a bit odd at times), common values, common religious faith, common goals, and we both share a deep love for our kids. She has this smile that lights up a room (it was what first attracted me to her). All these things in addition to her own physical attractive qualities are what make her beautiful.

Now as for your husband, if you love him still, I'd at least write him a letter letting him know that. No need to beg him for his love, that will never work. It is up to him to decide, but I wouldn't let my spouse go w/o speaking from the heart at least once.

There is a difference between someone you can love to be around a few hours a day, and someone you can love to be around at home all the time. People act differently out at work or around town vs at home. I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he may decide the OW isn't for him after all. If that happens it's up to you if you genuinely want him back or not.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It could well be that the OW is taking care of your H’s emotional needs and that he finds that enormously attractive. It may even be a soul mate type of connection for him.

As you seem to underrate his emotional needs, for example your _“Now I'm curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?” _then I’d take a guess and say that you have been ignoring his emotional needs. And if you have then you would have been compounding them! Making them far worse than they were originally.


I asked myself the question “What on earth does she mean by THE ONLY REASON?”.


If my assumptions are correct then you have learnt that men do indeed have emotional needs and yes we do expect our partner to help us with them. We are not some kind of emotionless robots! Cut us and we bleed type of thing.


And if I’m right I doubt you have any chance of getting him back should you want to. Simply because he sees you as the type of woman who cannot provide him with emotional support!


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

When I met my wife it wasn't about the sex... At 25, she was a virgin. The women before her bolted after 6 months when I started to tell her about my crazy mixed up past.

When I met my now wife, she listened to me. I told her everything within the first few dates. The crazy woman stayed. She has been my best frien ever since. Its been 20 years now.

There was nothing physical about it. 18 years of horrible sex and very little romance. I stayed

After all this time we are now going through the physical phase.

So yes to your question, even men have an emotional need.

There are many attractive people with unattractive spouses.

If there is no physical attractiveness, I think that people will get bored with each other.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

AFEH said:


> It could well be that the OW is taking care of your H’s emotional needs and that he finds that enormously attractive. It may even be a soul mate type of connection for him.
> 
> As you seem to underrate his emotional needs, for example your _“Now I'm curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?” _then I’d take a guess and say that you have been ignoring his emotional needs. And if you have then you would have been compounding them! Making them far worse than they were originally.
> 
> ...


 *OR*

"Everyone in every marriage has their weaknesses. In good marriages the spouse will overlook weaknesses that are not important and alert their spouses to the ones that are. The dutiful spouse will then have a chance to focus on fixing the important weaknesses. Cheaters on the other hand will relook at history and point out weaknesses that they had previously never indicated were important to them and make a big deal about these things for the first time...Once the cheater relooks at history and alerts the spouse to these issues, nothing the spouse does to address these issues will be viewed by the cheater as good enough because *the cheater wants their spouse to be in the wrong in order to justify their cheating.*
Do not buy into the cheater's script...Yes the OP is not perfect, but the cheater knew that about [her] and married [her] anyway..." -- quoted from TRy on the CWI forum


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

OldGirl said:


> *OR*
> 
> "Everyone in every marriage has their weaknesses. In good marriages the spouse will overlook weaknesses that are not important and alert their spouses to the ones that are. The dutiful spouse will then have a chance to focus on fixing the important weaknesses. Cheaters on the other hand will relook at history and point out weaknesses that they had previously never indicated were important to them and make a big deal about these things for the first time...Once the cheater relooks at history and alerts the spouse to these issues, nothing the spouse does to address these issues will be viewed by the cheater as good enough because *the cheater wants their spouse to be in the wrong in order to justify their cheating.*
> Do not buy into the cheater's script...Yes the OP is not perfect, but the cheater knew that about [her] and married [her] anyway..." -- quoted from TRy on the CWI forum


Just for the record there was a lot of “The LS must have done something to make the DS disloyal” here. I was the guy that went totally against the grain/tide with that one and turned things around.

But in this case OP is asking ….



DownUnder said:


> Now I'm curious....is the only reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?


And that’s the question as I was answering. Plus the OP is not the only woman here who think/believe men don’t need emotional connections with their wives.


If the guy was missing an emotional connection with his wife of course he should have told her and if they couldn’t work it out between them of course they should have gone to MC.

And of course the last thing her H should have done was to go off with another woman.


But those latter things weren’t what the OP’s post were about.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> *OR*
> 
> "Everyone in every marriage has their weaknesses. In good marriages the spouse will overlook weaknesses that are not important and alert their spouses to the ones that are. The dutiful spouse will then have a chance to focus on fixing the important weaknesses. Cheaters on the other hand will relook at history and point out weaknesses that they had previously never indicated were important to them and make a big deal about these things for the first time...Once the cheater relooks at history and alerts the spouse to these issues, nothing the spouse does to address these issues will be viewed by the cheater as good enough because *the cheater wants their spouse to be in the wrong in order to justify their cheating.*
> Do not buy into the cheater's script...Yes the OP is not perfect, but the cheater knew that about [her] and married [her] anyway..." -- quoted from TRy on the CWI forum


I think you are right. I haven't cheated but I have plenty of reasons to justify it. I am at the point where I am looking at all her faults which didn't bother me before. I gotta stop it! If I were to cheat, it would be with a woman that gives me the things that my wife doesn't. Sometimes it is too little too late and a MC may not work. I think you articulated it much better than me.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> I think you are right. I haven't cheated but I have plenty of reasons to justify it. I am at the point where I am looking at all her faults which didn't bother me before. I gotta stop it! If I were to cheat, it would be with a woman that gives me the things that my wife doesn't. Sometimes it is too little too late and a MC may not work. I think you articulated it much better than me.


I'm about to start counselling tomorrow and while I have my doubts that it will fix our problems doing something and really working at it is better than doing nothing.

So if you and your husband want to make a serious go at reconciliation then give it a shot (though I'd go to a highly recommended MC if you can find one).


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Just for the record there was a lot of “The LS must have done something to make the DS disloyal” here. I was the guy that went totally against the grain/tide with that one and turned things around.
> 
> But in this case OP is asking ….
> 
> ...


Perhaps you're right that I wasn't addressing what the OP's post was about. Since she directed it to the men of the clubhouse, I suppose I shouldn't have addressed it at all, but I have been following DownUnder's threads on other forums, and I just have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see people blaming themselves for something that's not their fault.

Plus, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that DownUnder, "thinks/believes men don't need emotional connections with their wives". She said:

"...is the *only* reason that he found the OW attractive because of the emotional attachment he has with her?"
and
"...is the way you judge your partner's attractiveness *only* based on your emotional attachment to her?"
and
"...is it true that MOST men have an emotional need to have an attractive spouse?"

Nowhere in that do I see a woman who thinks that "men don't need emotional connections with their wives". I see a woman who is struggling to understand why her husband "affaired down" and is perhaps blaming herself for something that's not her fault.


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> I think you are right. I haven't cheated but I have plenty of reasons to justify it. I am at the point where I am looking at all her faults which didn't bother me before. I gotta stop it! If I were to cheat, it would be with a woman that gives me the things that my wife doesn't. Sometimes it is too little too late and a MC may not work. I think you articulated it much better than me.


Thanks, but I can't take the credit. I was quoting what TRy said on another post.


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## DownUnder (Jul 30, 2011)

OldGirl said:


> Perhaps you're right that I wasn't addressing what the OP's post was about. Since she directed it to the men of the clubhouse, I suppose I shouldn't have addressed it at all, but I have been following DownUnder's threads on other forums, and I just have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I see people blaming themselves for something that's not their fault.
> 
> Plus, I think it's a bit of a stretch to say that DownUnder, "thinks/believes men don't need emotional connections with their wives". She said:
> 
> ...


Thank you OldGirl, im not sure i would want to defend myself as its pointless anyway right now... i just wanted to say that i thought i tried my best to fulfill his emotional need as best i could....but it wasn't enough. He would shut down and refused to talk and withhold any type of intimacy. 

i waited for him to come home for a whole year, and when he finally decided to come home i was so happy and overjoyed....i thought we could finally start again with a new beginning. I read most recommended relationships book out there including the ones suggested from a lot of people here.
I also read his needs, her needs....so i understand all about emotional needs. I also read the 5 love languages, have asked him to do the love language test and his main love language is 'word of affirmation'. I have make sure i fill his thank with this emotional need. He was only home for 4 weeks of false R when i found out about his affair with his co-worker has re-started.

I truly thought i have tried my very best...as best as i knew how....it just wasn't enough....

Maybe the OW can do a better job at that....and i wish them the best.


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