# Obesity and Self Esteem Issues



## CanadaBoy (Nov 5, 2013)

I need some advice. My wife and I have been married for 11 years and together for 18 years. When I met her, she was young, slim and attractive. Shortly after we started dating, she started gaining weight. Over the years, she has made minor efforts to get in shape, but now, at 43, she is at least 100 lbs. overweight. 

Additionally, she does not shower every day and doesn’t brush her teeth all that often. She sometimes wears the same pullover for days in a row. She picks her nose in public.

It breaks my heart to share these details, but I don’t really know what else to do. 

My wife is educated (university graduate), smart, and a loving and dedicated mother. We live a very comfortable life and my wife is able to stay home with our children (which is her choice). If she wanted to work, I would support that.

We have had many fights over the years about her weight and self-esteem issues. She is, however, one of the least motivated people I have ever met. She only does what makes her happy. She loves taking care of her kids and she does it very well. She loves to cook and she does that very well. She hates to clean and do laundry, so she leaves that for her mother (who is a saint that lives with us). 

My wife sits on her iPad for hours at a time. She TIVOs hours of television and watches it. She will not get on an exercise bike to save her life. I have also confronted her about her poor personal hygiene and (after a lot of tears from her) this leads to improvement for a few months, only to lapse into poor hygiene once again.

My wife claims she is a “perfectionist”. She tells me that this means that if she can’t do something perfectly, she doesn’t want to try it. She hides behind this claim all the time as an excuse not to try anything new or challenging.

I admit that I can be a challenging husband. I am a professional. I am a high achiever and very outgoing and, though, not perfect, I don’t let excuses stand in my way. I am not always as supportive as I could be. I suspect that my wife feels like she is in my shadow. Possibly she feels like it would difficult to live up to my achievements so why try (the perfectionism thing again).

At the same time, I am home almost every evening for supper. I am an engaged and loving father. I don’t cheat on my wife.

I love my wife and don’t want to leave her. But, we don’t have sex more than a couple of times per year and I really resent that she will not take better care of herself. I have offered to help by going for walks with her or going to the gym with her, but she is just so unmotivated and, often, whiny about having to exercise that I give up when I have to beg or cajole her to keep trying to do some kind of exercise every day.

I have suggested counselling as a couple and for her by herself to see if a professional can help her break through her issues. She doesn’t want to go to counselling.

If I had to sum her up in a sense, she simply lives her life refusing to look in the mirror and pretends she has no issues. When I say anything to her about her weight or hygiene, she ends up crying. She beats up on herself for being in such bad shape. In fact, I think she perversely likes to have weight issues because then she can say that she’s a bad person and that, somehow, confirms the image she’s had of herself all her life.

She comes from a very loving family (she was adopted), who raised her with every advantage.

I don’t know how to break through to her. Again, I am pretty sure I am part of the problem in that I don’t know how to support her and I probably do more harm than good by pushing her to change. At this stage of our lives, we both mainly ignore the issues and try to live as best we can. But her weight and hygiene issues are always lurking in the back of my mind.

Of course, I wonder sometimes whether this is some kind of subconscious attempt by her to push me away.

Any suggestions for what I can do? I think she should get counselling. How can I get through to her so that she will start to deal with her/our problems?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Try Marriage Builders. They can teach you and her (if she will join you in the effort) how to meet each other's needs, how to rid ourselves of resentments, how to fall in love and stay in love.

One of the basic emotional needs some people have is to have an attractive spouse. Marriage Builders supports this need, and explains to both spouses how important it is in keeping love alive.

If you are willing to read the material and do things to clean up your side of the street first, maybe you can then present the material to her with your sincere efforts already obvious to her...maybe then she would be motivated to read it, and learn how she can get her needs met better, too.

You can buy their books, get coaching, and there is an online program...but...they have so much valuable information for free, forms to download, surveys, etc. that I have used a version of their program in my own marriage without spending a dime.

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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If your wife only does what makes her happy as you have said, then she is not a good wife. I wish I had the link, but their is a blog right now trending on Yahoo where the writer realizes that the secret to making a marriage work is to focus on "we" instead of "me." He now realizes that a good marriage means trying to make his wife happy at the same time that his wife tries to make him happy.

Your wife may be depressed; only a professional can dx.

Stop wasting your emotional energy trying to change her. As long as you have communicated clearly your needs & she makes no attempt to meet them & you try to meet her needs, then you know where your marriage stands.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

IMO, I feel that when a person gives up to the extent your wife has, the only way to try to snap her out of it is with real consequences, which in this case means filing for D. You could always not go through with it, but she needs to know you are serious and will D her if she does not change.

You are in a sexless marriage, as only 2x a year is a sexless marriage. You've tried the talking approach, and it didn't work, so you either make the tough decision now, or suffer this for the rest of your life.

The perfectionist excuse she gave you is just pure avoidance and garbage. Also, she is setting a TERRIBLE example for your children. Are any of your kids overweight as well ?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

barbados said:


> ....
> The perfectionist excuse she gave you is just pure avoidance and garbage. Also, she is setting a TERRIBLE example for your children. Are any of your kids overweight as well ?


NOT AT ALL.... Perfectionism at it's very core is about worthlessness. It's very unlikely your partner understands this consciously. The internal rationalization plays something like, "If I am perfect, people that are important to me will have to accept me". Friend, she needs IC ... pure and simple. Forget about trying to control or change her ... tell her how it feels to be her partner watching her suffer. If you can share this emotional anguish with her, she may begin to see that she matters and consequently make an effort to address her issues. Kindest Regards-


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

There are some red flags here that you should look into:

When you have person that was once active gaining over 100lbs, the lack of hygiene, not carelessness about her appearance, not cleaning, you get red flags for mental illness. 

It can be depression or something else but it needs to be addresses. Many times these are the indicators that something is happening or has happened. Has she experienced any deaths, accidents, or any tramatic incident in the past few years that could have triggered this behavior?

How is she with the children, are they being fed a proper diet? Are they taken care of?

I'd push for her to see a doctor and go with her. Yes she cries when you approach the subject but if you don't do it, who will.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Maybe show her this thread.


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## CanadaBoy (Nov 5, 2013)

I appreciate all the helpful comments. To answer some of the common threads, my wife is an excellent mother. Our kids are well cared for. It is a common thing with my wife that if she really likes to do something, she does it very well. She loves being a mother and she is an active and engaged mother.

What she hates to do is exercise or show any self control over her eating habits. Thus, she does not make any effort in those regards.

What she loves to do it sit on the couch for hours and play with her iPad. All I ask if her to get up for thirty minutes a day and exercise. Then I get pushback that she is "so busy" and that I don't understand how busy her life is running a house. I mentioned above that we live with my wonderful mother-in-law who does way more than her share of the household work. My wife could, easily, find 30 minutes per day to exercise. She choses not to.

Another example, my wife will buy a cake and it will be gone in less than 24 hours. A cake with 2500 calories! If I confront her about this (and I often don't because I don't want the headache) she gets defensive or ends up crying. I just don't understand it.

Another question was are my kids obese? No, not at all. They are both active and healthy. They are well fed and junk food, while not completely cut out, is monitored carefully.


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## CanadaBoy (Nov 5, 2013)

I have asked my wife on a number of occasions to speak with her doctor about her weight and she won't do it. 

I have asked her to see a counselor, she won't do it.

I have offered to go to counselling with her, she won't do it.

The other thing is she doesn't present as classically depressed (from what I can tell). She gets out of bed every day. She does accomplish certain things, mostly to do with our children.

But she leaves pretty much all the housework to my mother-in-law (because she doesn't like housework or laundry). And my mother-in-law, who's a saint, grumbles slightly every so often about how much time my wife spends on the iPad or watching TV.

I know my wife has anxiety issues. She beats up on herself for being a "bad person".

I just don't know how to get her to get herself some help.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Sometimes the best way to love someone is with some tough love. It sounds like you and your MIL cater to your wife and tip toe around some pretty obvious problems. It's time to stop doing that and get your wife the help she needs. That will be painful for all of you but your wife clearly isn't going to change on her own. You need to step up as her husband and lead the way.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Depression can be hidden, i really think something is wrong in regards tp mental health.

However why not see if she wants to go to a bariatric doctor. They know how to deal with her feelings and with her weight. This is supervised weight loss. No criticizing, educational and has results. They won't make her feel worse. Insurance normally doesn't cover but, it may depending on how bad her health is affected. Its worth the money if it's not. They will run labwork too and give her a physical chek up at the beginning. 

I would say you see her sad about her weight, and while you love her, you don't want to see her sad.


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## CanadaBoy (Nov 5, 2013)

I don't know how to get her to see any doctor. She resists. I know she is embarrassed by her weight and by talking to anyone about it. Her solution is to not look in the mirror and then, magically, her weight issue does not exist.

My MIL, although a saint, doesn't help a lot. She does not like to meddle in our business and really does nothing to encourage Alison to change. I'm not blaming her, because I know it really troubles my MIL and I know my MIL would help in any way she can, but she is not the type of person to push someone or doing anything that she perceives as meddling in our business.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I am going to should harsh but, it is out of concern rather than anger or contempt as it may come across. 

Since you cannot get her to the doctors or counseling I would get counseling for yourself to figure out why you are willing to put up with that crap. 

Call me cold but your wife is eating like a pig and not engages in the most rudimentary hygene. To say "she has let herself go" would be synonomous with saying Hitler was not a nice guy. To add insult to injury she, she has the luxury of not having to work and still does very little around the house leaving it to her mom! On top of that she can't be bothered to sex you. 

She may in fact be a good mother and doing a good job raising the kids but, she is a zero as a wife. Forget exercise...at 100 lbs overweight if cut her calories the pounds would come off rather quickly. No excuses. 

You deserve to be happy and be married to a women that is a good wife. Would you have married her if you knew she would be a good mother but, turn out to be this way. Stop giving her anything remotely resembling love and affection until she is willing to make a change. She may have mental illness but, she will not get help if she is not pushed. You deserve to be happy and she should be willing to be normal for your sake. 

I will keep you in my prayers...good luck.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Few ideas:

Start taking pictures, I'm sure she's been avoiding those. Take picture of the kids, kind of accidentally get her in the back ground. Pictures are a harsh reality. 

Or flat out tell her you are tired of seeing her on such a destructive path. 

Give her a 30 day membership to a gym for Christmas.

Sign up for MC and demand she goes for the sake of your marriage. 

Stop worry about hurting her feelings she's an adult and she needs to face the reality. What's the worst that can happen?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Tell her you are going to MC and if she won't go then you will go by yourself to talk about what to do about your marriage. Make the appointment, tell her about it and go. 

A lot of people who are like this were sexually abused and use weight and poor hygiene as a way to keep the opposite sex away and avoid sex. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like she is comfortable where she is and her needs are met so she doesn't have any reason to change. 

What was your sex life like in the beginning?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

You say that she is glued to her ipad?

Ask her to watch this channel on youtube IDK if it will help but you can try.

https://www.youtube.com/user/ShayLoss


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Poor hygiene is also a symptom of Asperger's.


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

My situation is similar to yours. My wife is in her late thirties and is 150 pounds overweight. She doesn't appear to have any self eteem issues and no problems with personal hygiene. She just doesn't seem to like exercise and eats to many processed foods.

I love her very much and she is a wonderful mother, spending 60+ hours a week tending to our children's every need and desire. That commitment is good to some extent but has little time or energy left over to dedicate toward being a wife.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

arman - This thread is old. It's from 2013. You may want to open your own thread to discuss your story. The original poster who opened this thread hasn't been back here in 2014.


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