# need advice-husband emotional affair?



## aki

husband of >20 years suddenly feels a strong 'friendship' bond with married lady from church. Think he's in midlife crisis, just hit 50. She's 29. We've always been very close, best friends, do everything together. Suddenly, he needs space and time apart, wants a sports call, exercising rigorously. They talk on the phone and have met for lunch. She goes to our church but also her attends her relatives church. Suddenly he switches his membership to her relatives church. Of course he goes alone as I won't leave our church. She's married also. They admitted to each other they were developing feelings for each other but took the high road and agreed it was wrong and decided to be 'just friends'. He wants a pat on the back for being 'just friends' but he won't break communication as I've asked and says I'm being overly jealous and insecure. I'm angry all the time now. My H now wants to be friends with her husband and hang out. Of course, her H knows nothing about what's happened and I think this is an excuse to spend more time with her. He stayed away as I asked for about a week. But says he loves the other church and thinks I should be fine with him going there. Being the logical person I am, I gave in and felt it was unfair of me to demand he not go there. Now he's hanging out with her and her hubby and planning a camping trip this weekend. Of course, I can't go, have to work. He's never cheated before (physically) but has fallen emotionally for several women in the past. I'm at my wits end. Sometimes I feel like the wicked witch putting undue demands on him. Other times i feel like a fool for not putting my foot down firmer. What advice do you have? Also, the other woman is handicapped but still attractive. She is partially blind and crippled. This is insane. HELP!


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## Immortalone

It is time to put your foot down. Emotional affairs are just as if not more hurtful then physical ones. It is time for him to decide emotionaly who he is commited to. You are both active in the church. Maybe you need to sit down with a minister and lay it all out on the table. If he says he is to embarresed to lay his dirty laundry out there for the minister then ask him how he thinks his emotional cheating makes you feel all the time. Stop being the victem in this. You say he has done this several times in the pass. One time would have been enough for me!


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## Amplexor

This is definitely an emotional affair and if your husband admits it’s happened before he should recognize how dangerous this could be to your marriage. You are not being selfish or the wicked witch in wanting time with your husband. You are being a loving spouse that is not being treated fairly. In most cases an emotional affair is driven by a feeling of not being fulfilled in some aspect of the marriage. My wife had one last year and it damaged the marriage further than it was already. She felt unappreciated and unneeded in our marriage and rightfully so. I had withdrawn from her but didn’t mean to hurt her. She fell out of love with me and developed deep feelings for him. It is over now but we still haven’t recovered as a couple. It will take time for her to return to me as my wife. In your case I’d think about what he might feel he is missing in the marriage and what TOW may be providing him. Discuss it with him and let him know you want to provide him with the things he desires but that you have needs also and want more time with him as a couple. As in a physical affair he will have to end all contact with her to fully reconnect with you. Good luck in this. Be prepared that it may take a long time for you to recover as a couple.


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## GAsoccerman

See now this is where I disagree with the "emotional affair" stuff. I have Numerous female friends and I can flirt with them heavily. I am also friends with their husbands. I guess it comes from having 5 sisters it has always been easy for me to talk to women. Luckily my wife is a confident person and see's my relationships for what they are....Friendships. I am a social person, I like people, I talk to thousands of them, my wife is a loner, doesn't like being social...how we ended up with each other, only god knows.

But we are healthy, she knows I would never cheat on her, and never have. But I can go for a drink, have a laugh and even be stupid with my female friends with no worries of "what if" They just know it is fun.

You and your husband need to have a serious talk, figue it out, tell him how you truly feel. Maybe you should hang out with the other couple, meet her husband, have a few drinks together, Have dinner together, or what ever you like to do.

Stop worrying about "what if" worry about "what is" Your husband is reaching out to you, trying to "bring you in" to the relationship, to show you there is nothing to worry about.

I say you go out to dinner and drinks with the lady, let them show you there is nothing to worry about.

I know I am lucky to have a wife that understands I can have relationships with my ex-girl friends, female friends without it being sexual. It is possible, I been married 11 years, dated 7 before that, I never cheated on my wife, I find her the sexiest woman on the planet and she knows it, But I still talk to other women and have friendships with them, they also enjoy me, because they know I am "safe" and back in my younger years, I was the perfect "wing man" for my female friends when a jerk was hitting on them, they would borrow me for a few dances or just join me and my wife (girlfriend at the time) in dancing or a good laugh.

Except he can be friends with other females, BUT you need to be brought into the relationship as well. Until you are fully comfortable with them by themselves.

Some of my best friends are females, they are like sisters to me, but ones i can flirt with.


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## aki

To GAsoccerman:
OK, I understand that opposite sex friendships can work. My husband has other female friends and that's fine. This friendship is on a whole different level. He confessed to her that he was falling in love with her. Isnt' that a bit more than you described and a bit more than your 'confident' wife might tolerate?

Since this relationship with OW started, he told me he no longer knows if he's still in love with me. And I can feel the emotional distance between us. I even asked for a 1 month complete break from OW to work on us reconnecting. Just one month. That lasted 1 week and he is now as I'm typing on a camping trip with her and her hubby eventhough tomorrow is our anniversary and he won't be with me. I'm so angry. I told him this morning who's friendship he values most between the OW and myself. He just looked at me and couldn't answer. At the end of my rope, I told him it's either her 'friendship' or me, choose. His reponse? I won't give up my friendship with her. I can't get her out of the way long enough to fix us. I'm a professional, confident woman. Have never been the jealous type. So this is a new experience for me. I didn't find out about the previous EA, though I suspected, until he admitted it during an argument about the current situation. Am I unreasonable to ask him to give the OW up for good or at least long enough to work on our relationship?


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## GAsoccerman

AKI, 

Hey I can understand your plight, and I am truly sorry that it has come to this.

I want you to take this serious....

Ok your husband is going camping with this lady and her HUSBAND??? He professes his love for her to you? ASk him if her Husband knows his feelings for his wife?

If they weren't such church going people, I would ask if they were swingers and if he was caught up in that crazy lifestyle? But from your description it doesn't sound like it.

YOu have some tough work to do here, I just don't understand why the husband would allow him to go on the camping trip without you.....unless he is in the dark?

Maybe you should talk to her husband ask him....what is his take? 

Don't give up yet, think it through solid....but don't give up.

Maybe while he is going camping, you should plan a Fun weekend for yourself with some friends.

I don't know I am not you. but I find it odd her husband would allow him to go on the camping trip if he knew your husband was in love with his wife.

very strange, I wish you luck.


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## swedish

It does sound like a mid-life crisis to me...he is getting attention from someone much younger than himself and he probably loves what it's doing for his ego. He's also justifying that his actions are ok since she is unavailable.

What he is failing to do is to respect your feelings. Telling you he is not sure about how he feels about you and that he has feelings for this woman, then insisting on spending time with her knowing it's upsetting to you is just plain selfish. You should not have to compete for his attention. From what he has already admitted, his friendship with her is inappropriate and I think you have every right to ask him to end it for the sake of your marriage.

I really want to be with you but we are both married and it isn't right so I'll stick with plan b because I feel obligated...that's how it would make me feel. It's just not right. You don't deserve that.


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## Kenya26

Ok....this one is a duzey! I thought I had some pretty sound advice until I came to the end of your posting. Blind/Crippled?? I would not feel too threatened. The bigger picture is not her, but the lack of respect for your wishes. First off, switching churches or religions is a big deal in a marriage, as church is a family stabilizing experience. He should not have been so rash in the decision to do this. Also, when your spouse expresses feelings of uneasiness with another individual, that should be taken into consideration. It should not just be blown off as jealousy, a spouses feelings should be considered. It sounds like you and your feelings are being disregarded and taken forgranted. If you can't go on the trip then he should not go either. You two should really consider talking about the future.


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## juls

Kenya26 said:


> Ok....this one is a duzey! I thought I had some pretty sound advice until I came to the end of your posting. Blind/Crippled?? I would not feel too threatened. The bigger picture is not her, but the lack of respect for your wishes. First off, switching churches or religions is a big deal in a marriage, as church is a family stabilizing experience. He should not have been so rash in the decision to do this. Also, when your spouse expresses feelings of uneasiness with another individual, that should be taken into consideration. It should not just be blown off as jealousy, a spouses feelings should be considered. It sounds like you and your feelings are being disregarded and taken forgranted. If you can't go on the trip then he should not go either. You two should really consider talking about the future.


:iagree:

especially about the duzey part...


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## mollyL

I was waiting for the midlife crisis words to be spoken and finally they were. If your husband has just turned into his 50s, I believe that this is not only midlife crisis psychologically, but physically as well. Starting in the thirties sometime, your husband began to have a drop in testosterone, as all men his age do. It has been so gradual that he hasn't noticed. Now his testosterone is quite low; this also has to do with his "midlife crisis" psychology as well, they can go hand-in-hand. He is reacting to his lack of testosterone by trying to revisit his youth, that's where the girl comes in. You know all his jokes, his stories, his lines, but the girl doesn't. He is enjoying impressing a girl again. Her husband reminds him of his youth as well, and so he spends all kinds of time at their home. His new church doesn't know him as a man of 50, they know him as the friend of the young couple. Getting my drift yet? He doesn't even need to sleep with the girl to get what he desires, his youth back. You haven't said whether you guys have sex at all; if he has difficulties attaining erection with you he might well have difficulties with her and he wouldn't want to let her know that. 
I think that after he's well known to the couple and their church, they will stop "admiring" him and just see him as the middle-aged gent. I think he will be back with you, because he should be right about ready for the comfort of someone who's known him for years and years. If he does come home, you guys should head to a counselor immediately. The counselor may want to see you separately as well as a couple, because it sounds like you have more issues than just this immediate problem.


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## Tootles

This is bizarre!!! If my husband did that to me, he would be on a permanent camp trip with or without his blind and crippled lover!! Stop blaming yourself for what he is doing or even think that what he wants is right! You have ALOT of guts to still love him after the things he did to you. I think you need to speak to her husband. Oh and before you do that, inform your husband that you will be doing that if he does not get his act straight!! You are very brave and DOES NOT DESERVE to be treated like that!!


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## heatbrokenmom

I have just come back from something like this and I think I was lucky to nip it as it was just in the stage 1 period. my husband met someone online and since we are having marital issues he started talking to her. From mid feb thru early april he was texting and calling her almost everyday. since he was not really talking to me and not happy with me I looked at our cell bill one day and found the same number listed multiple times. I confronted him, he said that it was just someone to talk to and that's all. I told him that it had to stop THAT DAY! I was not going to stand for it, that it was wrong and he crossed over the line. I felt betrayed and if he really cared for me he would stop it now. There's been no more calls since that day and even though he told me there was nothing going on I still felt threatened and betrayed. You need to have him cut all ties with this woman now. If he loves you and cares for your feelings then he will do that for you. You should be the most important thing and if something is really bothering you, whatever it is, he should give it up and let it go. For you and your relationship.


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## michelle2004

I was very recently in a situation very similar to yours. In fact, I am just beginning to deal with the aftermath of it all. I want to suggest a book to you. It is called Love Must be Tough. Look it up on amazon. I really feel that this advice, and the Grace of God, is the reason my husband is with me today and not some other woman. I advise you to use this book with caution and, if you believe in God, pray carefully before acting on any of the advise in it. But don't think that you are being to hard on him or are wrong to demand rational behavior from him. If everything you say is true, it seems he is clearly the one that is being unreasonable.


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