# Problems Going Public



## Mika_12

My husband and I briefly separated about 5 months ago when I discovered an old coworker of his sent him some inappropriate pictures. Although he did not reciprocate any feelings or attractions did her, he briefly saved them as it was a boost to his ego. He deleted them almost immediately, however I found them in his trash about a year later. We separated for month as I was unsure at the time if anything else had happened. During our separation my husband was upset, and told many of our friends and family about the details of what happened. 

We went to a councilor many times, and were able to work out our issues regarding the problems. We are now closer than ever, however I am struggling with our family and in particular our friends possibly judging us for what happened. We are in twenties and our friends are also very young, and most of them are unmarried and can not relate to our relationship problems. I'm worried that they see him negatively for what happened, as well as me for taking him back. We were always seen as the perfect couple, and I feel sick when I think of everyone judging us and talking to us about others. 

I've reached out to several friends who just tell me not to worry about what others think. I find this not to be helpful as this is not realistic for me for. I think about this every moment of day. I worry that this humiliation I feel is going to ruin my marriage and my life. I want to move away and start somewhere new with my husband, but he believes this is just my attempt to ruin away from the problem and we will regret it. 

Has anyone else had to deal with the details of their separation going public? How did they handle it?


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## Flying_Dutchman

Hopefully, Mika, you'll soon learn that there are positives to take from any 'crisis'.

Chief among them - and pertinent to your dilemma - the opportunity to identify FRIENDS from fair-weather friends.

Unless you're doing something sociopathic, friends stand by you,, help you,, give advice.

Those who judge you,, try to belittle you,, gossip negatively about you,, are no friends at all. A waste of your precious time.

Learn not to worry about them. REJOICE that they've revealed their true colours,, cross them off your 'friends list'.

People will think what they think. Whatever you do there will be those among the 'putrid masses' who'll hate you for it.

All that matters is what works for you and yours. Don't live your lives pandering to the whims and dictates of ill-informed sticky beaks. They'll just drag you down and into some haters' suburb of Gossipville.

Rise above that shìte. You don't need - nor will you find - 1,000 friends. You just want a handful of trusty, loyal ones. Acquaintances are fine,, but cast aside the negatives and the naysayers. You'll be MUCH happier when you can enjoy being you without criticism from ásshats.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane

> I've reached out to several friends who just tell me not to worry about what others think. I find this not to be helpful as this is not realistic for me for. I think about this every moment of day. I worry that this humiliation I feel is going to ruin my marriage and my life. I want to move away and start somewhere new with my husband, but he believes this is just my attempt to ruin away from the problem and we will regret it.


Moving away is pretty drastic for what amounts to an insecurity (fear) that is really all in your own mind and isn't actually the reality.

If your friends, the ones you are worried are will humiliate you, are telling you to relax, no one is judging you, then why do you think they will humiliate you? What kind of friends humiliate their friends? Are YOU that kind of friend? Why do you expect your friends to trash you? IF they do, they aren't friends but enemies.

Friends do not humiliate each other - they support each other, they are a shoulder to cry on in times of trouble, and the first to pop the champagne to celebrate your joys with you.

No one can humiliate you if you don't feel you have done something embarrassing. THAT is where your problem really is. You are embarrassed that you didn't have a perfect marriage every step of the way so far, and you feel humiliated for what happened between you. You need to accept that you had some struggles, worked through them, and that's not something to be embarrassed about. That's something to be proud of - you did the hard work to repair your marriage.

No one's marriage is perfect, no matter what it looks like to others from the outside. Every marriage struggles at some point, and every marriage requires work throughout the marriage.

Be happy you and your H have worked through your issues! Be bold! Plan a party and invite friends to *celebrate *your reconciliation.


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## Orange_Pekoe

I don't think moving away will solve the problem. In life, you (and all of us) will encounter situations that will have people "talking about us". Right now it's about the problems you and your husband were facing (congratulations, by the way, for working through them). In future, life will throw other curveballs at you - are you going to move away again?

Rather, this is internal. It's you being hurt and upset that something very very private, has been let out in public. It happens to ALL OF US. But clearly, you are having a very difficult time coping with it, and coping with it is a life skill. So I suggest therapy. 

I'm going through a separation right now, and it looks like it will lead to divorce, and everyone is talking about me. And I mean EVERYONE. Divorce is very much looked down upon, and everyone wants their say. I knew, when I decided to separate, that this would happen - but I chose my wellbeing, health and happiness over what people will think about be. It was hard, and it continues to be hard, because I can't defend myself to the world, but should I? Should I be living my life trying to please PEOPLE or trying to be at peace with myself?

The most important kind of respect, is self-respect.


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## cdbaker

I certainly experienced this feeling as well. In short, my wife had an affair, which she certainly took responsibility for, but I also knew that my crappy treatment of her for years was partially responsible as well. I tried to conceal what had happened from family and all but the closest of friends, and was successful for a few months but eventually it leaked out. Similar to your scenario, many of my family members wanted to instantly judge her and encourage me to leave her, or else they would view me as weak or a pushover. (That's how it looks for a man forgiving adultery, for a woman I'm sure it's a different kind of judgement) With an aim towards eventually reconciling with my wife and not wanting to face these judgements from others, I defended her as much as possible, as well as my own decisions/actions to everyone I could. For those who couldn't accept it, I ultimately cut them out of my life for a while. That included my mother, my sister at times, and a few friends.

Some might see that as extreme, especially for family, but I still feel it was the right thing to do. To be frank, I was/am an adult and can make my own decisions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, but I reserve the right to not have to hear it, or associate with those who seek to judge me or my family. If, despite my best efforts to convince them otherwise, and they can't keep their opinions of my life/family to themselves even with my asking them politely to do so and simply accept my decisions, then that is wrong. I understood that they were just trying to help me, in fact I respect/appreciate that, but I acknowledged their views and declined to agree, they should have accepted that. I can't force my view on them anymore than they can force theirs on me, but I could choose to fully disassociate with them if that was their choice, so I did. 

Honestly, I knew that whether my marriage crumbled and failed, or we reconciled happily, these people would eventually come around and be able to apologize and move on. We did happen to reconcile, and all of them have since returned, apologized, and moved on, so I definitely still feel confident in my decision.

So in my view if you have people in your life who are bugging you about their disagreement with you or your husband's choices, or their judgements, or their guilt tripping one or both of you, despite having very clearly told them to respectfully mind their own business and keep it to themselves, then I would certainly suggest disassociating yourselves from those people. It's great that they love you enough to be passionate about your relationship and happiness, but they need to respect the fact that you are an adult and are entitled to make your own decisions, and you don't have to accept their repeated judgement.

Eventually they will get the picture, and the situation will improve and you'll likely be able to rebuild your relationships with them, but in the meantime this is just like any other abusive relationship. If they refuse to quit on their own, then it's time to walk away. It's often the only way they will "wake up" and figure it out.


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## Observer

Not many 20 year olds actually listen to advice, I never did, had to learn the hard way. Hopefully you do though and listen to those who posted above. Your marriage comes before any "friend" and anyone who trashes your marriage issues is not really a friend. You think this same set of friends will be the same set of friends you have at 40? I'm sure you do...but they won't most likely..unless you are in a small town....


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## Mika_12

Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I'm still struggling, but things have defiantly been getting better. No one has really said anything to me suggesting that they think my husband and I should not be together. I think I am reflecting my own insecurities on to the unknown perceptions of others. I also suffer from moderate depression and I know that is causing some of my struggle as well.


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## Orange_Pekoe

Mika_12 said:


> Thank you everyone for the kind words and support. I'm still struggling, but things have defiantly been getting better. No one has really said anything to me suggesting that they think my husband and I should not be together. I think I am reflecting my own insecurities on to the unknown perceptions of others. I also suffer from moderate depression and I know that is causing some of my struggle as well.


Other people do not wear our shoes. Other people do not cry our tears, laugh our laughs, feel our fears, feel our happiness. Only YOU know what is best for you. Other people's opinions should NOT matter to you, with the exception of a few close and trusted individuals such as your parents/siblings/best friend - and even their advice, you should take with a grain of salt and realize that at the end of the day, it is your decision.


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## SecondTime'Round

Hang around here long enough and you'll start to feel less and less embarrassed by your own situation. My train wreck of a life is a perfect example of something wayyyy more humiliating to have your friends and family know about. 

It will get better as time goes by. And it's true what they say - you'd worry less about what other people think about you when you realize how rarely they actually do.


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## jb02157

I've had a similar experience. My wife also took our many marital problems to her family and her friends to try to get sympathy for herself. I found that the way she presented these problem was largely false and that was the thing that made me the most upset about this. 

I think it's more of a male/female issue. Women tend to care alot more about what others think of them. She has always been that way. I, personally, don't care about what others think about our problems and that you really need to hear both sides of the story before you can make a valid "viewpoint". 

Do you know if your side of the story is correctly being told? If some of your friends are telling you not to worry about that, I wounldn't really be that bothered by it.


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## Sandie

You left him because someone sent him inappropriate pictures that he deleted soon after?!

Poor guy!

He can't help it that someone did that.


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## zillard

If the pics were in his trash/recycle bin a year later, he never REALLY deleted them and you can bet your bottom dollar was looking at them.


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## Mika_12

Sandie said:


> You left him because someone sent him inappropriate pictures that he deleted soon after?!
> 
> Poor guy!
> 
> He can't help it that someone did that.


No I left him because he lied to me repeatedly was has in general a bad partner. He promised me that they were no longer speaking at the time that she sent him photos.( I caught her previously hitting on him and even though he did not reciprocate their friendship made me uncomfortable) During that time I had a lot of serious personal struggles, and instead of helping me he was lying to me and being a friend to her when I needed him most. It was kinda of the straw that broke the camel's back.


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## Mika_12

zillard said:


> If the pics were in his trash/recycle bin a year later, he never REALLY deleted them and you can bet your bottom dollar was looking at them.


Actually I totally believe him he never looked at them after he deleted them. Not only is she is in no way his type (he always made jokes about her horse face), but my husband didn't even know there was a recycle bin on the computer because their was no icon. Also when you delete things on our computer there is no way to look at them unless you restore them. This was all about attention for him, not attraction.


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## Somanylemons

There is a saying in the UK which goes 'Today's headlines wrap tomorrow's fish and chips'.

For those not in the know, fish and chips shops often used to wrap fish and chips in newspapers from the day before to keep them warm if you were taking them away. They would get covered in grease and scraps and then thrown in the bin.

What the saying is hinting at is that the news and celebrity gossip that seems like such a big deal today are just rubbish the next day and often forgotten about by the majority of people. 

The same thing will probably happen amongst your friendship group. Your friends have their own busy lives to lead and you and your husbands issues will be at the back of their minds if they think about it at all.

In a year it will be mostly forgotten and 10 years from now, when they've all had their own relationship ups and downs, this minor blip you had will be nothing to anyone.

Let it go, you are only hurting yourself.


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## Mika_12

Somanylemons said:


> There is a saying in the UK which goes 'Today's headlines wrap tomorrow's fish and chips'.
> 
> For those not in the know, fish and chips shops often used to wrap fish and chips in newspapers from the day before to keep them warm if you were taking them away. They would get covered in grease and scraps and then thrown in the bin.
> 
> What the saying is hinting at is that the news and celebrity gossip that seems like such a big deal today are just rubbish the next day and often forgotten about by the majority of people.
> 
> The same thing will probably happen amongst your friendship group. Your friends have their own busy lives to lead and you and your husbands issues will be at the back of their minds if they think about it at all.
> 
> In a year it will be mostly forgotten and 10 years from now, when they've all had their own relationship ups and downs, this minor blip you had will be nothing to anyone.
> 
> Let it go, you are only hurting yourself.


Thank you, that is very good advice. I will definitely try to take that to heart. Especially as our relationship is the best it has been in years, and my husband assures me that everyone else sees that too. Our separation was an eye opener to how terrible we were BOTH treating each other, and therefor have changed our ways. I need to let this be a good thing, but I sadly have this self obsession with being perfect and being seen as a successful person in every sense of the word.


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