# Husband and I haven't went to bed at same time in 13 years - would this bother you?



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Hello, everyone - I started posting back in April about issues with my 23-year old marriage. Here I am six months later with basically the same stuff going on. I don't know what to do. I am married to a LD husband and have had multiple talks about his lack of interest in me. It's the old 'roommate' scenario, essentially. He will show some interest every couple of weeks if I make a big enough fuss. 

Here is the link to my original post if anyone wants to see:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...not-being-able-take-anymore-called-child.html



I think the thing that bugs me more than anything is that LITERALLY every night for the last 13 years (since my youngest was born), he sits in his man cave and plays games, reads, watches tv, you name it, until the wee hours and then comes down to go to bed long after I have been asleep. I MISS falling asleep with someone. It's bad enough to have the LD issue, but I really miss feeling like I will be going to bed alone for the rest of my life. Even if there is nothing happening when he comes to bed, at least I would not feel so alone. Between that and just feeling like someone here to do the housework, take care of kids, etc., I AM LONELY. And I don't like it. Just wondering if the not coming to bed at the same time would bother anyone else or if I'm just making too much out of it? I don't count situations where people are working different shifts or something like that.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I think the thing that bugs me more than anything is that LITERALLY every night for the last 13 years (since my youngest was born), he sits in his man cave and plays games, reads, watches tv, you name it, until the wee hours and then comes down to go to bed long after I have been asleep. I MISS falling asleep with someone. It's bad enough to have the LD issue, but I really miss feeling like I will be going to bed alone for the rest of my life. Even if there is nothing happening when he comes to bed, at least I would not feel so alone. Between that and just feeling like someone here to do the housework, take care of kids, etc., I AM LONELY. And I don't like it. Just wondering if the not coming to bed at the same time would bother anyone else or if I'm just making too much out of it? * I don't count situations where people are working different shifts or something like that.*


I was going to tell you that I was getting used to it. Then you ruled me out. I understand the going to bed together thing. I know how important it is to some women, including my wife. Right now we have opposing work schedules. So she sleeps while I work and I sleep while she works. In theory there is a 5 hour window every day that we could spend together but she most often stays up while I am at work so she has to sleep until just before she works. This leaves me waiting for her to get out of the bed so I can go to bed.

I often feel she is deliberately avoiding any time we can interact. Whatever the cause the effect is the same, we never spend 15 hours a week together. 

So even though she values going to bed together, she does not work to make sure it happens. So, I'm going to take it away. I know it sounds stupid and it may be. But in the next 6 months, a bedroom will be opening up in our house. I plan on buying a mattress that is soft enough for me and moving my stuff out of her room.

No more pillows that smell like me. No more midnight snuggles. As far as I'm concerned she can sit in her cold hard bed reading her silly books until her eyes fall out. 

I don't know what to advise you, I sure haven't cured low drive. I would put a timer on his wifi. I'm pretty sure network magic can do that.


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

LilMissSunshine said:


> I am married to a LD husband and have had multiple talks about his lack of interest in me. It's the old 'roommate' scenario, essentially. He will show some interest every couple of weeks if I make a big enough fuss.
> 
> I think the thing that bugs me more than anything is that LITERALLY every night for the last 13 years (since my youngest was born), he sits in his man cave and plays games, reads, watches tv, you name it, until the wee hours and then comes down to go to bed long after I have been asleep. It's bad enough to have the LD


Are you sure he is not looking at porn at night?




LilMissSunshine said:


> I MISS falling asleep with someone.
> 
> I really miss feeling like I will be going to bed alone for the rest of my life. Even if there is nothing happening when he comes to bed, at least I would not feel so alone.
> 
> ...


Have you told him this?



LilMissSunshine said:


> Just wondering if the not coming to bed at the same time would bother anyone else or if I'm just making too much out of it? I don't count situations where people are working different shifts or something like that.


Ideally it would be nice if we could go to bed together. Both of us would like it. However we don't for a couple of reasons:

1. My husband goes to be earlier than I do, and it is because of his work. 

2. He falls asleep very quickly, and then I have to listen to him snoring, which keeps me from being able to fall asleep myself.

If we're planning to fool around I'll go to bed when he does, but I'll take a sleeping pill after the fun so I don't lay there for an hour after he is asleep.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sleeping together (includes falling asleep together whenever possible) is very important in a marriage.

OP, your instincts are correct. Wouldn't work for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

YeS, I know what you mean.

I married a night owl, and im a farmer (not literally, but I get up at 3:30 or 4:00 a.m.)

She typically stays up till midnight -2:00 am.

frustrating, but she always (and I mean without exception) wakes me up to cuddle when she goes to bed, a.nd I Dont mind.

so far its working.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I couldn't last a month, let alone 13 years without going to sleep together.

That being said, I went about the 2.5 years of my marriage in this state. Ex would play games until 4 or 5am,then come to bed just as I was getting up for work. I don't know how you've been able to manage for 13 years like that. Why do you stay?


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

I'm there. My H and I are roommates. I read your old post and our husbands seem very similar. I have always wondered if Low T was a factor for us, but he refuses to get tested (or go to counseling). You got a lot of good advice on your previous post, have you taken any of it?

My H also will only have minimal sex (10-12 times a year ish, with the occasional request for a stand alone bj?) and also refuses quality time, cuddling in bed, and affection. I have read books, and tried to work on it to no avail. He refuses to get checked for low t or go to counseling. 

I've moved out of our room. I love it and have been infinitely happier sleeping somewhere else, where there is no expectation or hope. It was simple for me, if we are going to be roommates, then i want to be true roommates. Before when i would suggest separation or divorce, he wasn't having any of it. Would refuse to hear me. Now, he's on board with trying a separation after the holidays, and I will move out with our two kids after the school year ends, hopefully with divorce papers in hand.

I'm pretty sure you were more looking for advice on how to fix things. But when you roll the dice you have to be prepared for things to go the opposite way. I just knew i couldn't live in roommate limbo anymore, where we pretend to be a couple, but it's more like a business relationship. If Mr.68 had been willing to go to counseling or get tested for low T(and take the shots, if needed), i would have stayed to work on things. But he could sense when i was bluffing and when i really committed to leaving. Nothing changed until I got serious about it. It sounds like you have found the cure for you two, did he ever end up going back for shots?


----------



## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I have come to realize that some of those things that felt to me like her seeking to avoid me, avoid romantic contact, and avoid emotional intimacy --well, they were indeed just that. Some were more consciously so than others. 



Hard to know rreliably. She might not even know herself (understatement). But does it really matter, when the problem has been pointed out often enough yet it continues, and the effect is an awful feeling of loneliness, night after night, for years?



It is an awful feeling. When she offered hope, as in,"I'll be right in to bed, just a few minutes"...she never ever seemed to deliver on it. Looking back, I view it as disrespectful, perhaps even cruel. It is hard to fall asleep hoping maybe those footsteps I hear are headed my way.



I have zero expectations now. Sometimes I roll my eyes, alone in the dark, when I hear her phrases meant to placate me and deceive herself into thinking she is being a "present" partner.



The worst was way back when I let myself believe maybe just maybe shed be open to physical intimacy, sex, and I would "save myself" for her just in case, so, well, I'd be able to give her my all. That never really panned out, and the rejection hurt much worse. It is much much easier accepting she does not want me, and, with a sense of entitlement, take care of my own physical release.



I'm intending still to leave, for good. In the interim, I've come close to moving into a different room, but hold back for I fear it will stress the kids unnecessarily, and might motivate her to once again feign interest in fixing our issues.


----------



## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

PieceOfSky said:


> I have come to realize that some of those things that felt to me like her seeking to avoid me, avoid romantic contact, and avoid emotional intimacy --well, they were indeed just that. Some were more consciously so than others.
> 
> Hard to know rreliably. She might not even know herself (understatement). But does it really matter, when the problem has been pointed out often enough yet it continues, and the effect is an awful feeling of loneliness, night after night, for years?
> 
> ...


My kids are 3(almost 4) and 7. If they think anything of me sleeping somewhere else, they haven't said anything. It seems to have made no difference at all, except in the morning they come straight downstairs instead of checking in our old room.

The bolded part, i wholeheartedly agree. When i held out hope, it hurt so much more. and the relief i felt in giving up that expectation, was similar to the relief i felt when i moved out of our room.

It has affected Mr.68 though. He dislikes sleeping alone, although he hates cuddling or touching in bed. I wouldn't say he's made any effort to address the issues we have, but it cut back the fighting a lot. It changed things from stressed and combative between us to detached and polite.


----------



## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

I'm like your husband.
I look forward to having some me time into the wee hours of the night after my wife has gone to sleep.

Generally she goes to sleep from 9-10 and I go to sleep from 12-2.

I just like doing all of my stuff when it's dead silent: reading, video games, netflix.
And I can just go comatose. Listening to how wife's day went and paying attention to her is very taxing especially after a *fool* days work.

About 3 days a week I usually go to bed with her and snuggle for about an hour until she falls asleep then I get up and do my thing.
Or go to bed with her and read for a couple of hours until I'm sleepy.

The other thing that gets me into bed earlier is sexytime. Afterwards I just wait until she is sound asleep and get up.


----------



## NewBoundariesMan (Aug 3, 2015)

Another thing is to stay up with him. 

My wife has Wednesdays off so Tuesday night she stays up with me later and I go to sleep earlier. So we make it to bed together at around 12am. I appreciate the effort enough to lie in bed for an hour before falling asleep.

Honestly I get mad when she asks me to come to bed before I'm sleepy. Why should I go to bed because she is sleepy?
It's the same as me making her stay awake because I'm not sleepy. It's inconsiderate.


----------



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Thanks, everyone. I am so totally confused. It seems that some of you can totally relate, but then what if it *is* me and I'm being inconsiderate like NewBoundariesMan says??? I just know that I have been resentful now for years, and i'm sure it is coming out in other ways. I can see a friend, colleague, or anyone else and just be transported to an instantly 'happy' mood, but with him, it's almost like I get into a funk the more I am around him. He is a good man in so many ways - but I just can't make someone feel something they don't. He'll say he is still attracted to me, but then it could be a month before he even attempts to reach out to me on a romantic level. I am a very fit and athletic person who looks better than I did when he married me, honestly, so it isn't a case of letting myself go. I just don't know what to think. To answer the question of why do I stay? Well, we have two kids who count on us, AND I am just scared of financial ruin - we both have worked so hard to get where we are. Bad reasons?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

My husband and I worked the same hours and for 43 years I went to bed earlier than he. Why? Because I was tired and it took me an hour to unwind and be able to fall asleep. Husband didn't mind as he read or watched TV. Also, after being in bed for an hour I was rested and ready for intimacy. He could fall asleep within 5 minutes of his head hitting the pillow.

Have you and your husband brainstormed ways to make the different hours more palatable? Perhaps he could come to bed with you for an hour to cuddle or whatever and then get up?

I have a friend who absolutely can not go to bed before midnight. So, I never call her before noon.


----------



## LilMissSunshine (Apr 10, 2015)

Well, Blondilocks, that is something that might be in order...............brainstorming. I am going to put that on my agenda and ask him if we can discuss. I don't know that it will do anything about the 'roommate' feelings he seems to have, but at least I will feel like I have gotten some attention from him. Thanks to all who have given me some great food for thought!


----------



## troublesome (Nov 25, 2015)

My first post but I would love to chime in because my marriage is similar. As the husband I do these things; my wife and 4 year old go to bed between 830-930 and I stay up and do my thing. I think this is healthy for a marriage. You need your alone time to do whatever because you have to take care of yourself as well. I would love to sleep with my wife more however we have way different sleeping patterns along with I have several other issues sleeping. My wife can fall asleep in 5-10 minutes and it takes me at least 30+ even on meds. I want to be considerate to her because I toss and turn to get comfortable and I don't want to keep her up. We also have our son who is always wanting to sleep with us and I can't sleep with them both. (Whole other issue). The want and desire is there, sometimes it just doesn't work out. Doesn't mean we're not compatible. I've been married 8 years now and have been sleeping off and on from bed to couch etc for the last 2 years. I can assure you I sleep better alone. I still want to cuddle and i still want her to fall asleep in my arms however, it just doesn't happen. My opinion on the matter is my wife knows that it's because I have a hard time sleeping and nothing to do with her, we communicate about it frequently so we don't let it get swept under the rug. Good luck 

Sent from my Nexus 7 using Tapatalk


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

LilMissSunshine said:


> Hello, everyone - I started posting back in April about issues with my 23-year old marriage. Here I am six months later with basically the same stuff going on. I don't know what to do. I am married to a LD husband and have had multiple talks about his lack of interest in me. It's the old 'roommate' scenario, essentially. He will show some interest every couple of weeks if I make a big enough fuss.
> 
> Here is the link to my original post if anyone wants to see:
> 
> ...



Any man with a loving willing wife, that spends his evenings playing video games is a total fool...I am sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but you have a garden variety LD male....At the same point in our marriage, the wife and I had banged the gong over 3,000 times and still going strong...Have you tried Viagra?


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I have a somewhat similar issue, in that I like to go to bed by midnight but my wife likes to stay up till 1 or so.

We used to fight about it and she would agree to come to bed by midnight but never made it on time.

Eventually I decided I wasn't going to worry about it. I go to bed when I'm tired and she comes to bed when she's done with her email, etc.

Most importantly, it hasn't interfered with our sex life; she wakes me up when appropriate. :grin2:


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"At the same point in our marriage, the wife and I had banged the gong over 3,000 times and still going strong.."

You kept track? I'm impressed - not by the number but the fact that you know the number.


----------



## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

During my first marriage, it bothered me a lot when we didn't go to bed at the same time, but we had a lot of that roommate situation going on by the end of it. Now, it doesn't bother me as much. My husband is a night owl, and I am not. He stays up a couple of hours later than I do almost every night. But, on the weekends, we make a point of staying in bed and "waking up" together so we do have some quality, non-sexual time in bed together.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It would seriously be a DEAL BREAKER for me.... I'd be mad as a hornet if this was going on.... and I wouldn't be able to control speaking just that.... this isn't what marriage is intended to be.. feeling alone is unacceptable...when you have the luxury to be together (not conflicting schedules of working, that is different ).... we are to cleave to each other... comfort one another... to have & TO HOLD... and









You say he is low drive.. but have you ruled out his hiding a habitual porn addiction ?? 

A man with low testosterone generally is on the tired side... if he's a hard worker (?) staying up all night...I'd really question what he's doing in that man cave.


----------

