# The idea of "friendship" seems to fade with time



## guyready4change (May 27, 2013)

I had posted recently on here about having a hard time finding couples friends. Last week I realized that maybe it goes deeper than that. I recently had a long hot weekend taking a certification class. I had an extra day off afterwards. I was too tired and it was too hot to work outside on the house. I did laundry and dishes, but then I got bored. I thought why don't I take this rare opportunity to hang out with a friend. After pondering for a bit I realized something. I don't have friends anymore. 

People I would have considered friends I just never see anymore. There is nobody I could just casually go hang out with. Everyone is now in this zone where it has been so long it has to be this whole big reconnect thing. Has this happened to anyone else? Did you ever wake up one day and think; "hey where did all my friends go?"

This is not really me asking for tips on making friends. It's also not a rant or complaint about my situation. Just someone getting older wondering where the time went to, and pondering what my life is now.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes to me. Through 8 years of marriage I distanced myself from single friends and became more involved with friends who were other couples. Wasn't a conscious things just developed over time as we always preferred to be together so hanging out as couples just made more sense. 

Out the other side of divorce I had no single friends left in the area and it was the first time in my life I was very much lonely. I still had all the couple friends as they all turned their back on my x but it wasn't the same. I felt like a third wheel. 

So now I have made several friends, couple female and couple male buddies. I won't trade them in again and I'm more much conscious about spending time with them.


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## guyready4change (May 27, 2013)

I worry about what you are describing Wolf. My marriage is still rocky at best. If it does end in D the best case scenario is if I have my dog to talk to still. The last time we had major discussion on the topic of D I had a few friends I still saw from time to time. She found out I was talking to one of my friends about our problems, and she was not happy. I feel like if/when it does happen I will be really alone with nobody at a personal level I could talk to about what is happening. I know it is bad to assume things wont work out, but nothing has really changed since we first talked about the issue. Now when D is brought up it is not as a threat, or sarcastic, instead it is more casual pondering about whether we should. I know it sounds weird and it is. It could be 6 months it could be 6 years.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

guyready4change said:


> I had posted recently on here about having a hard time finding couples friends. Last week I realized that maybe it goes deeper than that. I recently had a long hot weekend taking a certification class. I had an extra day off afterwards. I was too tired and it was too hot to work outside on the house. I did laundry and dishes, but then I got bored. I thought why don't I take this rare opportunity to hang out with a friend. After pondering for a bit I realized something. I don't have friends anymore.
> 
> People I would have considered friends I just never see anymore. There is nobody I could just casually go hang out with. Everyone is now in this zone where it has been so long it has to be this whole big reconnect thing. Has this happened to anyone else? Did you ever wake up one day and think; "hey where did all my friends go?"
> 
> This is not really me asking for tips on making friends. It's also not a rant or complaint about my situation. Just someone getting older wondering where the time went to, and pondering what my life is now.


Everything you said. Me too.


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## Jetranger (May 31, 2013)

I know how you feel. Throughout my 20s in my LTR I watched all my friends pair off and settle, often further and further away, until eventually everyone I’d consider a friend I’d see maybe three times a year because they all lived a long way away and had busy lives, partners and possibly children.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'm lucky in that despite all of my ex's attempts to isolate me from my long time friends I resisted and so still have those connections. That said, most of them are in marriages and so I too feel like a third wheel sometimes (or a fifth or seventh..) I don't know what things are like where you are but in my area there are many "meetup" groups for various interests. ie hunting, fishing, boating, sports etc. I'm thinking of trying some of these to fill some down time and maybe meet some new people.


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## evolver (Dec 3, 2013)

Exactly what Wolf1974 said, although I never really felt as connected to the "couples" friends we had.

Lately, I've been trying to figure out how much of this drifting away from friends is just a natural thing that happens to all couples, and how much is my fault from trying to appease my ex's insecurities.

Either way, I'm determined to not let it happen again. Allowing my friends to drift away seemed like the only option at the time, but now, I'm pretty sure it contributed to the downfall of my relationship.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I'm in the same boat. I feel like my life is so busy between work, shuttling the kids around, trying to stay connected to my partner, exercising to stay in shape and trying to keep the house and yard in some semblance of order that I simply have no time left to put into friendships.


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## guyready4change (May 27, 2013)

I have been thinking about the same thing as Evolver

"Lately, I've been trying to figure out how much of this drifting away from friends is just a natural thing that happens to all couples, and how much is my fault from trying to appease my ex's insecurities."

I am wondering how much of it has been just a natural part of getting older, and how much of it is due to my marriage.

Shoto, maybe it is just me but I have a hard time wanting to go to meet up groups. First I have no interests or hobbies anymore. Second I am just a reserved person that does not like that awkward "here are some other lonely strangers to chat with" vibe. I said this in the thread about couples friends, and I feel the same for non-couples friends. I know it is my problem, and for a lot of people that probably works out.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

DH only hangs out with the same dudes he has known since high school. 3 dudes,that's it LOL 
They're all so socially awkward and odd that they just drift through life hanging out. DH is the only married one and the only one who doesn't live w/his parents. I think it's good that he keeps in touch with them. I doubt he'd make new friends if these suddenly went away. 

I'm not big on friendships bc I like my alone time and can't maintain friendships. If DH's friends come over,I'll play games and stuff w/them and DH but that's it for my friendships. He goes golfing with them and we'll all go to concerts too occasionally.

I think it depends on your lifestyle and your personality really. As some people get older they just start realizing the only reason they surrounded themselves with friends in the first place was bc they didn't want to have those solitary moments you come to appreciate as you age.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I'll also add that in your 40s-50s etc the friendships you form are not going to be the same as the ones you formed in your teen's, 20's etc. You're not going through the same formative experiences that were part of the bonding then. I think the expectation has to be lower. From my experience and talking to others a bit older then I am (48), I think we also wrestle with a lower energy level and acceptance of being stuck in a rut as we age. You're going to get what you settle for so you decide. If what you're doing isn't cutting it then change things up. (this is my motivational talk  )


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH only hangs out with the same dudes he has known since high school. 3 dudes,that's it LOL .


That’s me. A handful of friends going back to grade school. Also should note that these are strong ‘whatever you need’ type friendships where they’d probably help you bury the body. Yet, we only talk or get together a couple times per year. Our lives got busy, cluttered, etc. It takes work and intent to carve out time to hang out by both. Several have moved out of state as well. We sort of just stalk each other on social networks and make vague promises of getting together for a beer sometime. It takes someone actually planning it to make it happen. 

My newer friends are nothing like that. They are more ‘special interest’ friends. So, like when I was racing, they were friends that shared the racing. When I stopped, there wasn’t anything left there so I haven’t heard from any of them in years. Online gaming buds are like that too. Occasionally we cross paths on the internet, but they are ‘real’ friendships. Same with professional affiliations. I think of them like social networking more than friends.

Couple friends. Lol. My wife has her friends, they have husbands. The husbands and I will be social, but we’re not friends. We’re there for our wives. Same with my friends, also married. My wife is social with them, but they aren’t her friends. Then there are ‘the others’; Parents of our kids friends. Again, sort of a social thing, but it’s not like we make plans with just them.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

guyready4change said:


> I had posted recently on here about having a hard time finding couples friends. Last week I realized that maybe it goes deeper than that. I recently had a long hot weekend taking a certification class. I had an extra day off afterwards. I was too tired and it was too hot to work outside on the house. I did laundry and dishes, but then I got bored. I thought why don't I take this rare opportunity to hang out with a friend. After pondering for a bit I realized something. I don't have friends anymore.
> 
> People I would have considered friends I just never see anymore. There is nobody I could just casually go hang out with. Everyone is now in this zone where it has been so long it has to be this whole big reconnect thing. Has this happened to anyone else? Did you ever wake up one day and think; "hey where did all my friends go?"
> 
> This is not really me asking for tips on making friends. It's also not a rant or complaint about my situation. Just someone getting older wondering where the time went to, and pondering what my life is now.


Completely normal and something that MOST people go thru.

And those that THINK they have many friends, don't have MANY real friends anyways. 

IMO, friends are over rated and I put very little emphasis on friends in general. Sure we have plenty, but we really don't have time for them, and other way around. Here and there.

Besides, my wife is my best friend, that's the only friend I want/need.

As I mature, I also find that just dealing with people is worthless. More people = more problems. Most people seem to be selfish and self centered as well, friends is more of a "convenience" thing than it is relationship type of a deal. 

Above might have A LOT to do with the area I live in as well......lots of NY spillage/type of people around these ways......


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH only hangs out with the same dudes he has known since high school. 3 dudes,that's it LOL
> They're all so socially awkward and odd that they just drift through life hanging out. DH is the only married one and the only one who doesn't live w/his parents. I think it's good that he keeps in touch with them. I doubt he'd make new friends if these suddenly went away.
> 
> I'm not big on friendships bc I like my alone time and can't maintain friendships. If DH's friends come over,I'll play games and stuff w/them and DH but that's it for my friendships. He goes golfing with them and we'll all go to concerts too occasionally.
> ...


Yep/agreed.

I was like your husband in my 20s but had to cut my friends off completely as they were not friend worthy and bad influence on me and generally ****ty people.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I think it depends on your lifestyle and your personality really. As some people get older they just start realizing the only reason they surrounded themselves with friends in the first place was bc they didn't want to have those solitary moments you come to appreciate as you age.


As a parent I try to.remember this. Some of my kids just truly don't care if they have lots of friends, as long as they have good social skills I have to not worry about their level of socialization.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

For me I'm not sure how much of it is geographic. When I was 16 my parents moved to a new city so I lost touch with the friends I grew up with. That was long before texting and social media. 

I lived in the new city a couple years to finish high school then moved to an entirely different province after university. At that point I would make friends with the guys on the teams I played on but it wasn't the same as lifelong friends. While we had a great time at tournaments and stuff I didn't feel like I had the kind of relationship with them that I would just show up at their house with a 6-pack. It's impossible to say if it's just me or it's the result of circumstances. 

Today I'm friendly with a lot of people I participate in sports with however again not the kind of relationship where I'd show up at their house and hang out. 

Again, it could be a function of aging (do 47 year olds really just hang out?), it could be me (maybe they'd be more than happy to hang out once in a while but they assume I'm not interested) or it could be that I really don't have the time right now. At this stage of my life I aspire to be bored. It seems there is always so much going on and so many things that need to be done.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yeah. When I use to post regularly on this board I remember seeing these sad, unfortunate "Men have no friends" threads on this board from time to time.

Still don't get it. I have tons of very close, important friends and nearly everyone else I know does to. And I'm talking people of all walks of life and age group. I call TAM the Land of Friendless Men. It's as real to me as Never Never Land.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> DH only hangs out with the same dudes he has known since high school. 3 dudes,that's it LOL
> They're all so socially awkward and odd that they just drift through life hanging out. DH is the only married one and the only one who doesn't live w/his parents. I think it's good that he keeps in touch with them. I doubt he'd make new friends if these suddenly went away.
> 
> I'm not big on friendships bc I like my alone time and can't maintain friendships. If DH's friends come over,I'll play games and stuff w/them and DH but that's it for my friendships. He goes golfing with them and we'll all go to concerts too occasionally.
> ...


I'm like you as well, and happy. Some people think it's sad to not be very social. 

I do ask myself if not requiring a lot of human contact is weird. Will the time come at some point that I will wake up and wish i had a lot of close friends, even though I haven't needed it up to this point in my life? Who knows.

It's not like I'm a hermit. I go to work and am around people for 7 or 8 hours. The last thing I often want on my free time is another person, aside from family.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Yeah. When I use to post regularly on this board I remember seeing these sad, unfortunate "Men have no friends" threads on this board from time to time.
> 
> Still don't get it. I have tons of very close, important friends and nearly everyone else I know does to. And I'm talking people of all walks of life and age group. I call TAM the Land of Friendless Men. It's as real to me as Never Never Land.


Everyone values "friends" or people in their life differently.

To you friends are a great thing.

To me, they are the opposite. No man, no problem. Again, I don't know if it's just a regional thing of where I live but I find most people to be selfish and annoying (full of themselves/drama).

Besides the fact that I would make a REALLY crappy friend (due to lack of time) so it's hard for me to expect the same.

Over the years I've learned that less people I have to deal with, the better off I am and more peaceful and happy my life is.

This doesn't mean that YOU shouldn't have friends. If it's a big part of your life and you value it, you know what I say, whatever floats that boat.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

southbound said:


> I'm like you as well, and happy. Some people think it's sad to not be very social.
> 
> I do ask myself if not requiring a lot of human contact is weird. Will the time come at some point that I will wake up and wish i had a lot of close friends, even though I haven't needed it up to this point in my life? Who knows.
> 
> It's not like I'm a hermit. I go to work and am around people for 7 or 8 hours. The last thing I often want on my free time is another person, aside from family.


x2

Also I think this thread has a LOT to do with the label "friend". Some might think they have 1000 friends, when in reality they have NONE.

And some will tell you they know MANY people but VERY few are truly friends.

Some say that in your life you would be LUCKY to find even a handful of real/great friends.

I already have a best friend, my wife. And 1 great friend is really all I need (even though we have plenty of people around that most would consider "friends")......I don't, they are simply people we know. IMO friend label should be reserved for people that are special in your life.

But I do often find myself misusing that label as well.

"My friend from work.....".....no, they are not really my friend. I work with this person 8 hours a day and spend more time with them than my love ones.

LAST thing I want is to be around them AFTER work as well, no thanks.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

MaritimeGuy said:


> For me I'm not sure how much of it is geographic. When I was 16 my parents moved to a new city so I lost touch with the friends I grew up with. That was long before texting and social media.
> 
> I lived in the new city a couple years to finish high school then moved to an entirely different province after university. At that point I would make friends with the guys on the teams I played on but it wasn't the same as lifelong friends. While we had a great time at tournaments and stuff I didn't feel like I had the kind of relationship with them that I would just show up at their house with a 6-pack. It's impossible to say if it's just me or it's the result of circumstances.
> 
> ...


Completely normal IMO


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I'm 49. I have not retained any friendship from college or grade school. Kind of moved on from that. However, my hobby keeps me occupied with guys with the same interests. Usually something to do with my hobby most weekdays and every weekend. A hobby is one good way to find new friends.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I think it was when cracks in our marriage really started to show that hubs had the wake-up call that he values friendships and how he was missing that. We have moved around a bit and that's played a part with meeting different people away from where we grew up. Now that our marriage is in a much stronger place, he still ensures friendships remain significant.

He tends to meet new friends through other friends. They're all married, so we also meet up as couples. Last week he arranged a night out with 5 of his mates. He was out last night with two other friends for a bite to eat - and chose to go out with them over a work-related event as that's more important to him in the bigger scheme of things. Other times, he'll catch up with one of his mates for lunch during the week. I dig that over the last few years he's been actively making changes for himself.

We both value friendships for the broader perspectives we gain. As well as all that other good stuff that friends can bring. I guess there are some who are close to their extended families, for us it's having friendships.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> Everyone values "friends" or people in their life differently.
> 
> To you friends are a great thing.
> 
> ...


I agree that it's definitely a "whatever floats that boat" situation. If someone is genuinely happy with no friends, more power to them I say.

I take note of it because of my past experiences specifically with this board. I've read more than a handful of posts here about men and friendship.

A. It surprises me how many men on TAM have no friends. I've never seen this in my offline world. And I know a lot of people.

B. In the past threads were filled with people who thought friendship had little value in the face of marriage. A sort of "friends are for when you're a young kid" type deal. 

C. The amount of men who had no friends, got divorced, and were faced with supremely lonely lives. They didn't even know how to make friends anymore, or reconnect with the friends they dropped in order to spend their time exclusively on their married lives.

Yep I cherish friendship. Most societies around the world place a large value on same sex bonding in particular. It's a relatively new, very contemporary Western phenomenon that a man is expected to make his wife his sole social outlet. But if someone can do it, and be happy, I applaud that.

Just noting that I'm not sure most of the TAM men I've seen who take this road really wanted it, so much as they did what they felt you were "suppose" to do as a married man.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Friends come and go fostering and deep relationship with your lover is what will sustain us.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Yep I cherish friendship. Most societies around the world place a large value on same sex bonding in particular. It's a relatively new, very contemporary Western phenomenon that a man is expected to make his wife his sole social outlet. But if someone can do it, and be happy, I applaud that.


My husband and I are still each others best friend and still spend a lot of time together. Our friendships don't detract from us as a couple, instead seems to enrich us further as people. I cherish my friendships also. 

And we joke it's like the Chris Rock take on 'go get kidnapped or something' to have something new to talk about. Having different experiences actually nurtures our marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Quant said:


> Friends come and go fostering and deep relationship with your lover is what will sustain us.


You don't have to chose.

That's what I don't get about this viewpoint. Why in the world would you have to do either/or between your spouse and your friends?

And no, most of my friends don't "come and go". They are family to me. It's very rare that I lose a best friend. Both my wife and I cherish these people as though they had our blood running through their veins. Neither of us would ask, or expect, the other to give these people up for the sake of the other. There's literally no point.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

DoF said:


> Everyone values "friends" or people in their life differently.
> 
> To you friends are a great thing.
> 
> ...


I am a lot like you. I also feel like people in my region like drama, and i hate it. 




DoF said:


> x2
> 
> Also I think this thread has a LOT to do with the label "friend". Some might think they have 1000 friends, when in reality they have NONE.
> 
> ...


I agree, it depends on how someone defines a friend, and it's ok to have a stronger and mild definition, but to me, I count a real friend as this:

It's someone that I feel totally comfortable around. I never have to worry about what they think of me or worry if a wrong word is going to slip out. It's someone I can talk to anything about, even if it's weird, and they are still just like they were with me. 

It's someone that I can be a strong Republican and they can be a strong Democrat, and it has no bearing on our friendship whatsoever. It's someone that our differences don't create awkwardness. I feel as comfortable around them as I do in my old t-shirt. 

I't someone that you really can call at 12:00 midnight and say you've had car trouble and they will come and get you and not think a thing of it. I have 2 people like that in my life, and one is my brother.

On the other hand, I "get along" with most everybody and "know of" a lot of people due to living to be 46 in a small, rural town; however, they do not fit the above description. If they did, I could count hundreds of friends. 


I agree about not wanting to spend time with co-workers after work, . I really dislike office parties at Christmas or whenever. Do people really like these things, or like me and just show up so nobody will think negative of them?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

MaritimeGuy said:


> Today I'm friendly with a lot of people I participate in sports with however again not the kind of relationship where I'd show up at their house and hang out.


Remember the closing monologue in the move, _Stand By Me_?

"I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"​
Things are a little different as adults and we have less free time on our hands. I've let friends drift out of my life as an adult because I was just too distracted to spend time with them -- A mistake I deeply regret.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

Where I live I have no friends, I really just work and run around with the kids, but I still have several very good friends from High School, I only see them a few times a year but we keep in touch by phone and when we get back together it's like we didn't miss a beat.

If I do separate from my wife I'll move back to my hometown and have a decent support system. It's very difficult to make friends as an adult, especially if you're married with kids.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

ocotillo said:


> "I never had any friends later on like the ones I had when I was twelve. Jesus, does anyone?"​





cuchulain36 said:


> It's very difficult to make friends as an adult, especially if you're married with kids.



I can relate to these statements. I always had school friends back when I was young. I remember how I would just click with certain people.

As I said before, I get along with most everybody, but I don't really click with anyone anymore to the point that I want to hang out at their house.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> I agree about not wanting to spend time with co-workers after work, . I really dislike office parties at Christmas or whenever. Do people really like these things, or like me and just show up so nobody will think negative of them?


I hope you all don't mind me chiming in, being the Clubhouse and all. southbound, when the workplace has been a good cultural fit, I have liked the office parties and after-work drinks as I enjoyed the people. One of my closest friends was at one point my manager. We had good rapport but kept a professional distance while we were colleagues. When we no longer worked together, we remained in contact and developed a friendship. She is one of few who has seen me at my worst and been there for me. 

Another friend interviewed me and we just clicked. I remember coming out of the interview and telling hubs, 'I can imagine her and I could have a right laugh..' A few weeks later, after I'd started that job, she suggested we go out for dinner as we got along so well at work. Our friendship developed and our husbands also get along. They're the type of friends who feel like family.

Drinking wine and having laughs was a big part of after-work happenings for a time. It was fun but now I'm too old for that, got the tshirt already, and have different priorities. While I still might like the people, I generally don't attend these things anymore. My husband will go to events to network, not for social enjoyment.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Yeah. When I use to post regularly on this board I remember seeing these sad, unfortunate "Men have no friends" threads on this board from time to time.
> 
> Still don't get it. I have tons of very close, important friends and nearly everyone else I know does to. And I'm talking people of all walks of life and age group. I call TAM the Land of Friendless Men. It's as real to me as Never Never Land.


But you post a lot on tam so where do you get the time with all these friends.
And have you managed to be marrried with all these friends still in tow.
See that's the thing. This place is about marriage and often divorce . Those two things are a bit weird when it comes to friends , I know I didn't have time or interest for many .


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jaquen said:


> I agree that it's definitely a "whatever floats that boat" situation. If someone is genuinely happy with no friends, more power to them I say.
> 
> I take note of it because of my past experiences specifically with this board. I've read more than a handful of posts here about men and friendship.
> 
> A. It surprises me how many men on TAM have no friends. I've never seen this in my offline world. And I know a lot of people.


If you were to meet me, you would say I have a lot of friends. What I call friend is not what you might see as a friend.

I know and talk to A LOT of people, do I consider any of them my close friends?Not really, would you? Probably



jaquen said:


> B. In the past threads were filled with people who thought friendship had little value in the face of marriage. A sort of "friends are for when you're a young kid" type deal.


Not at all. Families consume life and really change your perspective on friends and priorities. By the time I had 2 kids I really had 0 desire to hang out etc. Every time I did I felt that I was missing out on kids and it was a big waste of time (could've been WAY more productive/quality time with wife/kid). Hanging out simply went very low on priority list.




jaquen said:


> C. The amount of men who had no friends, got divorced, and were faced with supremely lonely lives. They didn't even know how to make friends anymore, or reconnect with the friends they dropped in order to spend their time exclusively on their married lives.


I don't care what kind of a person you might be or how popular. Once you change your priorities and emphasis on friends.........and get a divorce, it will be HARD for ANYONE to make friends again. 



jaquen said:


> Yep I cherish friendship. Most societies around the world place a large value on same sex bonding in particular. It's a relatively new, very contemporary Western phenomenon that a man is expected to make his wife his sole social outlet. But if someone can do it, and be happy, I applaud that.
> 
> Just noting that I'm not sure most of the TAM men I've seen who take this road really wanted it, so much as they did what they felt you were "suppose" to do as a married man.


I don't believe that your significant other should be your ONLY social outlet. Not at all. You should certainly persue and have other relationships as well.

For me, I simply have 0 desire to do so. My whole life I always seem to focus all my attention on one special friend...and still having other friends around too, but just not as valuable.

So again, I have plenty of "friends" at work, neighborhood and from the past etc etc.

How much time do I spend with them compare to my wife, probably around 1% to 99%.

I like it this way too......it's hard enough to get quality one on one time with my SO (while raising 4 kids).......to squeeze in few hours with friends on even one night just doesn't sound very appealing to me. 

I know that I'm WAY overly committed to my kids/wife, but again, it's what I love and do.

My parents spent VERY little quality time with me (same for my wife....and I find for most people).....so I overwhelm my kids with quality time AND some (probably too much, but I'm ok with that). There isn't a day that we don't spend together doing something, having dinner together and eventually one on one (once the kids are sleeping). I cherish this time and it's simply priceless to me.

Friends? Not even an afterthought...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

southbound said:


> I can relate to these statements. I always had school friends back when I was young. I remember how I would just click with certain people.
> 
> As I said before, I get along with most everybody, but I don't really click with anyone anymore to the point that I want to hang out at their house.


I thought this was the norm as well.

I don't see my neighbors OR friends going out or having people over on regular basis. Maybe one, but they has no kids and have been having get together with friends every Sunday at his house for 15+ years?

Actually, I find that most people around here are similar to me. Friendly, but don't get too close and invite people from time to time (rarely).

I also realize and know that most young adults (18-25/30) do go out and hang out often. But many of them have no marriage or children....


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

When we talk of friends I think of the example someone posted earlier in the thread, "someone who you could call at midnight because your car broke down". 

I don't really have too many people like that in my life. It's not that I don't want to. I just found my priorities being what they were for so long I neglected any friends I had and would not feel right imposing on them at this point. It's likely there are people in my life who wouldn't mind...it's more me feeling guilty about imposing. 

My life just changed as my ex moved away with my daughter and my son is away at university. For the first time in 20 years I will be available to do things with people. Maybe the dynamic I have with friends now will change.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

I think it's natural for married men to remove male friends from being a priority. 1. for the safety of their children and wife, there are just a lot of bad dudes out there. 2. Time - with work, running kids to practice, possibly school, there's little time, and what little is there is being spent with the family trying to get in some quality time. 3. people change - lot's of times you just grow apart and realize you don't have much in common with anymore.

I also have plenty of people I talk to, ride motorcycles with, running clubs, hunt with, etc... but I'm not really sure I consider any of them really friends. My real friends I can count on one hand and I've known them since I was five.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My life circumstances change every few decades or so.

Back beginning about 1996 I was single and met my circle of male friends (and a few females thrown in) and had this core circle of friends until about a year or two ago. My social life was centered around these pals and we had a blast. But, everybody one by one over the years moved out of state. Then my last male friend from this circle moved up north about 9 months ago.

So my 15+ years of male friendship is now gone. I got married 15 months ago, and now my life is completely changed and centered around my wife and blood family. It's not bad. But every now and then I miss male friends. 

Eventually, I've got to form and bond new male friends. For the moment, I'm way too busy with work and such, but when things settle down, I'm thinking about joining a men's group through church or some charity. Something family oriented. We'll see.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

cuchulain36 said:


> I think it's natural for married men to remove male friends from being a priority. 1. for the safety of their children and wife, there are just a lot of bad dudes out there. 2. Time - with work, running kids to practice, possibly school, there's little time, and what little is there is being spent with the family trying to get in some quality time. 3. people change - lot's of times you just grow apart and realize you don't have much in common with anymore.
> 
> I also have plenty of people I talk to, ride motorcycles with, running clubs, hunt with, etc... but I'm not really sure I consider any of them really friends. My real friends I can count on one hand and I've known them since I was five.


That's exactly my feeling.

I don't call anyone I work with "friend. I don't label anyone I do my hobbies with or play sports with "friends". We just get together for few hours a week and that's about it. We dont;' have time to hang out and "be friends".

Mind you, MOST people will call those people "friends". I don'
t. 

Friend is reserved for that special someone.

I cannot be good friends to ANYONE but my wife, thus I cannot expect anyone else to be good friends with me. 

Friendship is a 2 way street, 50/50. I have no time to invest to build that kind of a friendship......nor do I really care at this point. hehe


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> But you post a lot on tam so where do you get the time with all these friends.


Besides the fact that until fairly recently I was absent from this board for a long time, this is about the most asinine question I've ever been asked on this board.

I have time to post on TAM, other message boards, be a husband, pursue my career, teach a ministry at my church, work out, read, study, socialize and somehow keep in contact with my friends. I've got the same number of hours in a day that you do. If you can't figure out how all this is possible, I can't help you.

You've got more posts on this board than I do and have been here for a slightly shorter period of time. How do you find the time to do whatever it is that's important to you? See how absurd that question is when it's directed at you?




whitehawk said:


> And have you managed to be marrried with all these friends still in tow.


Happily so. Both my wife and I lead busy lives and somehow, someway still manage to maintain some pretty important, vital friendships.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Happily so. Both my wife and I lead busy lives and somehow, someway still manage to maintain some pretty important, vital friendships.


See, that's the thing. I have never EVER felt that ANY of my childhood/adulthood friendships (outside of my wife) were EVER even close to "vital".


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I would like to have more friendships. I see them as a two way street though. I don't think I can expect people to be my friend if I don't put as much into the friendship as they do. I guess for me they fell down the priority list and got neglected for a long time. 

For example I will see in my neighbourhood people working on projects, (i.e. landscaping, roofing etc) and have a whole gang of friends helping out. It looks to make short work of the project this way versus me typically trying to do them on my own. I don't think I would be looked at in a good light if I were to call up someone and ask if they'd mind putting in a day of hard labour to help me out...particularly after I wasn't available 6 months ago when they were looking for help with something.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DoF said:


> See, that's the thing. I have never EVER felt that ANY of my childhood/adulthood friendships (outside of my wife) were EVER even close to "vital".



Which makes sense to me. We see our closest, best friends as family. We are intimately attached them, as we were to one another back when we were just friends. We have a lot of people we both love incredibly outside of one another.

If I'd never seen the people in my life who are closest to me in that light, it makes perfect sense to me that friendship would be an optional thing easily divorced from. Thanks for explaining that. It helps me see your, and perhaps other dude's here, perspective a lot more clearly.

This a more trivialized example, but it's like pizza. I like pizza, it's awesome. But I seldom ever crave it and could easily go the rest of my life never having it and not miss it. A pizza lover would have a heart attack at that statement!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

One thing I've noticed as I've gotten older is that it takes longer to become good friends with someone. 

Those people I'd call truly close friends today are all ones I've known at least ten years now.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I know this is the clubhouse but thought I would chime in with a female's point of view.

First of all this site is titled "Talk about Marriage" not specifically "Talk about Divorce" or "separation", etc so mostly all sub-titles under marriage can or do apply. I got married 5 1/2 yrs ago and it has been a disappointment. I got married later on in life (late 30's) and still, I do not think that was old enough. I have no children (in my situation, thats a God-send or I'd be doing it all alone). Anyway, my DH has no friends but many acquaintances at work. His best friend, from my perspective, is his older sister. He spends more time with her than with me. He even talks to her more often during the day than me, but, it is what it is. We share no similar interests and since I lost my parents at a young age, my friends are my life's blood. My extended family are all gone with the exception of my only sister and her child (my niece). I am in a marriage situation where I am legally married but feel like I am single. My DH chooses to spend more time with his older sister and younger brother (who live about an hour way) than with his own wife. I do not care if it is family and they are his friends, but, it goes both ways.

I am very active in the biker lifestyle. I have male friends that are married, single, gay, etc. and we share the same love of motorcycles and motorsports in general. No, it is not about weekend long parties, getting drunk and causing havok like we are the Hell's Angels. It's about brotherhood, sisterhood and a sense of family. We do meet to take rides and go for dinner or to a bike event. We have also "broken bread" together at others' homes which include the children. We do charity rides and POW/MIA memorial rides as well. I do not ride since I had to sell my bike, but, I do ride on the back of my friend's bike who is also married. His wife is not involved in the lifestyle, just like my DH is not, so it works out well.

If you count on your significant other to complete you or make you happy, then it will never happen. It comes from within' and once you are happy with yourself and the life you are living, only then can you share it with others. I had a decision to make; either live according to DH's way of life and rules or make a life for myself. I have decided to live well regardless of what he does. 

If you are happily married and want friends or want to rekindle those lost relationships, do it! Or make new ones with your SO by looking at different hobbies in the area. Take a dance lesson, join a chess or bridge group, fishing, boating, camping, join a mixed bowling or pool league....the list goes on and on. By doing this, this is how friendships can develop. My situation is just a really rare one. My DH chooses to be down at his sisters Friday thru Monday every other weekend and does not support my love of this hobby. He does not discourage me but just does not want to be involved. I refuse to waste years of my marriage being bitter instead of living with joy regardless of my H's actions. Can I or will I want to live like this or be in a marriage like this forever? Probably not.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

jaquen said:


> You don't have to chose.
> 
> That's what I don't get about this viewpoint. Why in the world would you have to do either/or between your spouse and your friends?
> 
> And no, most of my friends don't "come and go". They are family to me. It's very rare that I lose a best friend. Both my wife and I cherish these people as though they had our blood running through their veins. Neither of us would ask, or expect, the other to give these people up for the sake of the other. There's literally no point.


You may not have to choose but life becomes dominated by family more then friends at certain times and you have to be okay with being with your partner.My wife views me as more important then any mere friend and I her.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's hard for me to imagine being in a marriage where your spouse is not also your best friend. It would seem strange to me to share sex and family responsibilities but not really enjoy hanging out together. :scratchhead:


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Quant said:


> You may not have to choose but life becomes dominated by family more then friends at certain times and you have to be okay with being with your partner.My wife views me as more important then any mere friend and I her.



Our life isn't "dominated" by friends though.

The "all or nothing" mentality in this thread is very odd to me. As if having friends somehow sucks all your time, or is going to rob you of time with your spouse. I spend the majority of my free time with my wife...and still have friends. REAL friendships don't require a lot of time to remain healthy and connected.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Quant said:


> You may not have to choose but life becomes dominated by family more then friends at certain times and you have to be okay with being with your partner.My wife views me as more important then any mere friend and I her.


Correct

But I do see people putting more emphasis/priority on friends vs their loved ones from time to time (and even their children!)


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I have been having good luck with the meetup site. Locals doing fun stuff, couples groups too. 

Hey, as you get older, you do have more free time. You can watch cable TV every night, OR go do something instead!


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

DoF said:


> Correct
> 
> But I do see people putting more emphasis/priority on friends vs their loved ones from time to time (and even their children!)


DoF:

You have read and commented on my previous posts regarding my situation with DH; 
#1. HE IS NEVER HOME! 
#2. HIS PRIORITIES ARE MESSED UP 
#3. HE IS NOT INTERESTED IN DOING THINGS TOGETHER. 
He has put his family before me for a while now, but, does that mean I put my "friends" before him? No, for if he ever came to me asking me to go to the movies, shopping, etc, I think I would fall over dead! :rofl:

Now, I can honestly say that if I had plans made days/weeks in advance with friends and DH came to me asking me to go do something with his family, I would decline. Why? Because his family is the priority, not me! If he asked for "us" to do something as a couple then that would be different.

So yes, I guess you can use me as an example as someone who puts more emphasis from time to time on their friendships than their spouse (you say loved ones).


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