# he says he's ended it



## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Hello everyone, i'm new here.

2 weeks ago I found out my husband of almost 20 yrs has been having an affair for well over 10 months. We has been dating since I was 18. We do not have children. He has been lying on Friday evenings, saying he is hanging with the boys, but of course he was going somewhere totally different. When I confronted him on my findings, of course he did the typical, started lying, only a friend, then it turned into I have seen her maybe 6 times...and so on. Of course my initial reaction was that I was disgusted and hurt but he put the blame on me. I have read so much online the past 2 weeks and see that this is a typical reaction. He of course threw it all on my shoulders and said - well what do you want to do? I refuse to make a rash decision about my marriage, however, I really do not know if I can ever forgive him 100%. I am trying to use this time to re-evaluate my life and take my time doing it. I have invested 20yrs of my life with this man, another few months will not make the difference. I am just feeling lost some days and others I am ready to get up and walk away. I guess one of my issues is - he says he immediately ended it and says this opened his eyes and he does not care for this woman at all. I just have a really difficult time with trust and now I have lost faith as well. Help!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell him to prove he ended contact. Verify it.


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## sunsetovernc (Jul 27, 2011)

(((hugs)))
I'm pretty new here myself. I'm so sorry you're having to go through this, but I think it is a good idea not to make any rash decisions right away while the wounds are still fresh. Other people will have better insight than me, but know I am here if you wanna vent.
Good luck.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Read here, learn. Yes, this happens a lot and your story unfortunately can almost be scripted (the more you read here, the more you will learn how true that is). 

Yes, it can get worked out -- but will never be the same, and will not work itself out. You both have to work at it, over a long period, and it's hard. 

Like jellybeans said, verify everything, trust nothing.

Making no rash decisions while under duress is wise. BUT, having two plans -- one to leave and one to stay -- is even wiser. You may discover things that become deal-breakers for you. If so, you should have a plan for what you will do under those circumstances, one that you can eaasily follow when things get really crazy, because you've thought it through in advance.

Sorry you are here in the club nobody wants to belong to, and good luck to you.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Virtually no wayward ever successfully "immediately" ends it. It is very difficult to just cut off an affair cold turkey. Unless he's given you full transparency and you can verify that he's maintaining no contact I wouldn't be comfortable that it's really over. It took seven months after my D Day to successfully establish full no contact with the OW. I did somethings wrong, but I wanted to reconcile, I wanted out of my affair - I told my wife every time I received any communication from OW and it still took that long. Affairs are very very hard to kill. 

It is solely his job to give you whatever you need to begin to reestablish trust, not yours to trust him implicitly - he forfeited the right to implicit trust when he cheated on you.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Thank you everyone, your words and support mean a lot to me. I do have a difficult time believing that he ended it that quick with no communications going on at all. He has not given me full transparency, as I have just kept low-key in the last week or so, trying to think things through. This might not be the best way to go about it, but it's how I feel at the moment. When all this came out and I had questions, he wouldn't give up much information, which leads me to believe that he is protecting his relationship in case I leave, he has his security blanket. He claims this as untrue...


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

It's called cake eating and it means just what you think it does - he's trying to have his cake and eat it to. Based on your last post it is not over but has likely gone deeper underground thereby making it harder for you to out. You're going to have to hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and you will not live with three people in your marriage. 

Until he gives you full transparency, the whole truth and nothing but, goes full no contact, and stops protecting his affair partner it's still going on.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

> Until he gives you full transparency, the whole truth and nothing but, goes full no contact, and stops protecting his affair partner it's still going on.


:iagree:


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## marital_discord (Jul 29, 2011)

@Jellybeans: Verify it? How so?

When her phone number first appeared on his cell records on VALENTINES DAY @ 8AM, I questioned the call to his coworker and he gave an excellent excuse. What I should have done was insist he call again and ask some fake work related question and put her on speaker. NOW I know but at that time I believed him. What can be done at this point? I stopped looking after seeing him drive near her home on his Smartphone GPS and once again, he had a good excuse. If you have something helpful to share, please do. I am still angry and am planning my exit before the holidays. Thanks!


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Lily_B said:


> I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?


yes

if you're willing to work it out then he does too

without the following you can't work it out

1) No contact whatsoever, if she calls him or emails, etc, he needs to ignore and tell you about it right away
2) Complete transparency, he must allow you access to everything, passwords, emails, phone records, etc He needs to allow you to snoop to your heart's content.
3) he show must show true remorse and answer any and all questions you have truthfully and repeatedly, he must not sweep this under the rug
other options include complete exposure of the OW and a polygraph

without that, you are just spinning your wheels as he is either still trying to protect the affair and will have another or is still in the affair


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Don't believe for a minute that its over, he and OW may be laying low while things blow over, which is what they're hoping. Install monitoring software and you might want to look for an affair phone. Also consider using a VAR and stick it under his car seat. A GPS is also a good idea.

Here are some posts in a thread about affair phones in a forum from a support site for cheating women:

“That's why he has a pay as you go phone! No bills for W to find - but if ever she got hold of the phone...........! We will be soooooo busted!!!”

“same here...he has several hiding places he keeps it& he'll move it around every so often but really it's only home w/ him on sunday-tuesday. then he's off on the road and doesn't have to worry about it. Except one time he was on his regular phone w/ her..and I called him (normally he has it on vibrate) and it started ringing and she was like "who's phone is that?" and OMG he almost got seriously busted a while back. She was talkin to him on the phone and he had "our' phone laying on his chest..he was lyain down in his bunk on the bus. She said "XX (the kid) wants you to take a picture and send it to him"..so he took a picture of himself...and she calls back and was like "who's phone is that in the pic?" he was like "huh?" looks at it and realizes like an idiot he left the phone on his chest. He said "oh that is XX (band mate), he had to use my charger and I told him it was charged and was waitin for him to get it.." surprisingly she believed him ha! that was a close one...”

“I am sorry you are going through this ....as XXXX said be VERY careful....even if you get a call from his mobile or home nunber...let him speak 1st (tell him that this is what you are doing so he does speak) as she may do a redial or something from HIS phone”

“Dont contact him 1st at any time.... she will be on red alert....and there are so many gadgets out there now to help someone who wants to spy on another person...like putting key loggers on the computer”

“Him phoning you from work on a work line should be a safe way to chat...but for awhile be REALLY careful with texts...if you do send any...keep them 'normal' no love or sexual texts” 

“Good luck I hope it all blows over”

“It may be a good idea for him to have you listed on his phone in a male name not under your name”

“My MM's W went through his old phone and found photos, e-mails and VMs going back years - before me and after me.” 

“He has also had my picture as caller ID - and it was seen a few times before this final phone d-day. Now he has a fingerprint scan locking application on his new phone.” 

“He had no choice but to fess up to everything. We are riding it out - and he is finally being more careful.”


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Lily_B said:


> I have been spending a lot of time with my friends and trying to wrap my brain around everything. He seems as though all is forgotten, and this is really unbelievable to me! I am confused as to what my next steps should be. Just sit him down and hit him hard with that his behavior is unacceptable and should respond to every single question I have?


Yes! If he's ended it fully and completely, and wants to remain married to you, he will have no trouble nor problem with showing you and verifying for you, and providing you with full transparency to everything you want.

I get the impression that he doesn't quite grasp how big a deal this is, and is sort of rugsweeping what he has done... he needs to understand that you *will* walk away if he won't work through this with you (assuming that is true, of course...), and work at the healing you need, with his total and complete understanding and support.

"Hitting him hard", I think is exactly this, making him understand that you are at a crossroads and a turning point one way or the other. Repeating my earlier post, having a plan for what you will do if he's not willing, cooperative, or open about this need is key to being able to turn and walk, either permanently or to show him just how injured you are, and how serious you are about not living with his behavior.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Before you R, you need True Remorse.










If you don't get true remorse, then start the separation, divorce process.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Lilly B.

You sound so like me when I first found out. What do I do ? Sadly, not just like me, but almost every one of us here. It is a long bummy road of emotions unlike anything I have ever experienced as far as deep soul searching. 

Im sorry you're here. 

~sammy


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## SeekingSerenity (Jul 29, 2011)

(((hugs))) Mine admited he wanted his cake and eat it too, suckS. I find it helpful coming to these boards, I am new here, just had DD on July 14th, so I am a mess, but being here you can learn a lot.


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

My d-day Jul 16th, so we're on the same timeline! It does suck and so many unanswered questions! I am grateful for all the responses and support from this forum, really means a lot. Another thing I have an issue with is my family. I only have my brother close by as the rest of my family is overseas. However, we are really close to my bro and hang out with them regularly. They are recently back from vacation and do not know anything yet. Do I immediately tell him what's going on? How to handle the family is another one of my unknowns...I feel like I want to crawl under a rock!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

The downside of exposing the A to your brother is that he will not be as quick to forgive your WH as you are IF you decide to R. If you expose the A to HIS family, they will be shocked and saddened, but in the end, they will support him. Blood is thicker than water.

But you really need to find out if he REALLY has stopped the A. If he's truly remorseful, he will gladly be transparent to you because he would do anything to regain your trust. You cannot take his word for it that the A is over, not by a long shot. You have to verify it for yourself.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Don't believe for a minute that its over, he and OW may be laying low while things blow over, which is what they're hoping. Install monitoring software and you might want to look for an affair phone. Also consider using a VAR and stick it under his car seat. A GPS is also a good idea.
> 
> Here are some posts in a thread about affair phones in a forum from a support site for cheating women:
> 
> ...


wow, all of that is very disturbing. What sick, sick people.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Disturbing it is , this is how we track a lot of OM's and OW's , most people cannot even conceptulise how deceitful these folk are. Not only do they share tips on phones but on where to have sex and how to avoid detection by choosing prepaid cards etc. Even when caught they have plans on how to cover up go deeper underground and resume the affair. Some even try insinuate the BS is having an affair so they can break out of the marriage and blame them, and always they are so in love. Hence the recommended nuclear exposure with supporting evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Damn - I just read all of that in Mayhem's post - that is some sick and twisted stuff right there....


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

sigma1299 said:


> Damn - I just read all of that in Mayhem's post - that is some sick and twisted stuff right there....


and I think the most disturbing part is how they talk like they think its funny. They talk like they see the betrayed wife as a joke. It's "fun" to deceive her, it's "fun" to laugh at the close calls of being caught. These types of people have no souls.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

As far as telling family members, I didn't tell many only his sister and his mom, as we 3 talk on the phone every week. I felt I needed to be honest with them. I was with his cousin on holiday the day OW kept sending txts demanding that he tells me, as she (OW) felt I had the right to know & make my own decisions. (nice of her) . Husband was acting really werid...within days cousin calls wondering what was all that was about ???? So now were up to 3 who knew.

Hubby's 2 best friends already knew and the 2 wives dragged the sceret out of them. One decided to use "US" as dinner conversation with her teenage children on the ill of relationships, because she happens to be 100% in favor of affairs! 

Hindsight 10 weeks later, who would I tell? Probably not his mom & sister. Cousin would have kept it close to her heart . I didn't tell my dad, or brother either, (twin) and now as time goes by there seems to be a bit of covering up about things on my part with them. If we stay together, my side of family will be fine. His will take some adjusting, as I am so uncomfortable now about it with them. 
If we separate, my family will be in shock. 

My MC and IC say who cares, don't protect them (WH ). My G.P. gave me the best advise. She said if I choose to tell, I can be diplomatic about it and approach it as , "I have something I want to talk with you about. Please hold your judgement until a later time, and I would appreciate just your understand without opinions, as my husband & I needs to work on...etc,etc,etc,but our marriage is experiencing ... you don't need to say what is happening if you choose not to. This prepares them ahead of time, to know where you are coming from. 


Wish I had now, 

~sammy


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## Lily_B (Jul 28, 2011)

Thanks again! I have spoken to a few close friends of mine, which has helped me. In regards to my brother, the only reason I would tell him is we do hang out with them a lot and I'm not real good at the whole poker face attitude. For now I'm going to see how it goes and maybe speak to him privately shortly. You are right, maybe just stay vague about the details,although that will prepare them, for the future, if needed. I still don't see myself being able to forgive, I am having a difficult time today, as its the weekend, and he's home. Ughhh...wish I had all the magical answers and could just hit the fwd button.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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