# "Seperated"



## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

Hello everyone! 

I have successfully seperated from a 30 year marriage, and when I say successfully I mean this is my 3d attempt at leaving , only this time stood my ground and got an apartment! 
The other times I allowed myself to give in, and stay for reasons that were not my own, but his. And I can say that is one absolute WRONG thing to do... In truth I can say he and I both brought so much baggage into our marriage 30 years ago
it was like we just married into each others baggage! I have in therapy put all my baggage on the table and worked through a great majority of it, as I "own" it, I see how dsyfunctional our relationship was, Unfortunetly he does not, as he has really not had any personal councelling, He says he has changed, ( he has not changed) but he really believes he has..

I don't believe people change, I only believe we can see ourselves from different perspectives based on what we are open to see in the first place, and in that take ownership of ourselves. I am the same person today as i was 30 years ago, with exception that I have faced and claimed my role in a marriage as a victom of alchoholism, I was raised by an alchohlic parent , moved away from home at the age of 17 (safety reasons) as my dad was an angry abusive alchoholic.
turned around and married right back into what I knew.. 

I was absolutely blind and young and in denial of so many things when i got together with my husband.. 


This is my seperated partners plea at this point... Once the baggage is all dealt with , then we can be happy in love and have a healthy marriage....... even though as a seperated person he is not seeking councelling , he thinks he is fine!! now that he is not drinking, but in truth, he is the same controlling person in our seperation that he was in our marriage lol , I did not expect this to change... He thinks he is magically healed!!

In my apartment, I can breathe, i can make my own choices , I don't have the anxiety , from him trying to control everything
i have anxiety as it is a condition i work on .. but I at least can have my voice back and not have it taken away by someone under miming me all the time

In truth...... I have never felt so empowered, and am less alone here by myself than i was with him the last 10 years of our marriage!!

He still ignores my voice , and keeps pressuring me to reconcile with him, even if i tell him I am doing what i need to do for me,

he leaves messages on my phone about something else i call him back and the conversation immediately becomes about "us"

i feel like i am dealing with a child who never ever learned the word "no" sigh and i know that he knows that if you push someone long enough and hard enough you will get what you want...... 

he thinks its all fair in love .... I see it as a complete dis regard for me, he says he can not let go , because he holds out hope
i say he cant let go because he doesnt even see me
if he loved me really loved me ...... would he not respect that I want this seperation? is it not about him and him disrespecting me?

anyone any understanding or views ?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

poetprose said:


> Hello everyone!
> 
> I have successfully seperated from a 30 year marriage, and when I say successfully I mean this is my 3d attempt at leaving , only this time stood my ground and got an apartment!
> The other times I allowed myself to give in, and stay for reasons that were not my own, but his. And I can say that is one absolute WRONG thing to do... In truth I can say he and I both brought so much baggage into our marriage 30 years ago
> ...


sure. so let me understand. your "baggage" was brought from alcoholic parent, angry parent, abusive parent. what about your baggage known as "anxiety?" how does your separated husband help you deal with that baggage? maybe you need to lay that baggage on the table.

one last observation. your post sounds awfully "me, me, me." what part of your 30 years together was "we, we, we?" how do YOU fit into WE?


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

HE enables it!!! (WE are Dysfunctional) 

He conveniently brings up how sucidial he was after his first wife left him from 5 yrs of marriage......( Have a pretty good idea why ) funny too the only time
he brings suicide is when i talk about seperating


and as for his love for me, he knows full well that i did have a sister comited suicide when she was 15 , he loves me so much that HE is willing to be so insinsensitive just to play his trump card

that is our we........and that is how he helps me with my anxiety

oh and he locked me in a bedroom with a dresser in front of the bedroom door so I could not get out ( when the kids werent home of course)

that is our we.......... when i was diagnosed with PTSD he still continued drinking 

that is another we............


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

poetprose said:


> HE enables it!!! (WE are Dysfunctional)
> 
> He conveniently brings up how sucidial he was after his first wife left him from 5 yrs of marriage......( Have a pretty good idea why ) funny too the only time
> he brings suicide is when i talk about seperating
> ...



so how'd you get over the stuff that your father caused? did your father take accountability? or did you recognize the issues through therapy/growth? maybe your anxiety should take the same course.

ptsd huh? isn't that the disorder that was first described and diagnosed for returning vietnam vets? from most accounts, it sounds nightmarish. something that calls for some kind of psychotherapy.

you place a lot of blame on your separated husband for the US/WE issues, but seem to take a fair amount of credit for overcoming previous issue. seems to be kind of enigmatic.

he sounds like he is not sensitive to your issues. i don't know how to wake him up to that.


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## poetprose (Sep 1, 2009)

> so how'd you get over the stuff that your father caused? did your father take accountability? or did you recognize the issues through therapy/growth? maybe your anxiety should take the same course


I was able to spend 15 years with my father in sobriety before he passed away at 65, ( alchohol related issues), I forgave my father, because it was the right thing to do for me, as far as i am concerned yes he did take responsibility for his "ism"



> ptsd huh? isn't that the disorder that was first described and diagnosed for returning vietnam vets? from most accounts, it sounds nightmarish. something that calls for some kind of psychotherapy



PTSD- post tramatic stress disorder yes, and yes physcotherapy is a part of my life...nightmarish is actually a very good descriptive word..... but* I am much better today !! and making healthier choices for my own life ) 




> he sounds like he is not sensitive to your issues. i don't know how to wake him up to that


He is not sensitive , not because he doesn't want to , but because he is incapable of it , (at this time), he needs his own physcotherapy, Nothing changes until we change it ....


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

poetprose said:


> I was able to spend 15 years with my father in sobriety before he passed away at 65, ( alchohol related issues), I forgave my father, because it was the right thing to do for me, as far as i am concerned yes he did take responsibility for his "ism"
> 
> 
> 
> ...


boy, ain't THAT the truth! "nothing changes until we change it." could be the motto of my life.


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