# Getting through the toughest time of my life!



## strawberry4

I am 38 and so is my H and we have 2 children. We have been married 12 years together 17. My husband has always been THE most honest person I've ever met in my life. Brutally honest sometimes. October 3,2008 my life changed forever. I knew things weren't great with us, I just thought it was a rut... now I realize it was denial but kids 9 and 7 soccer, plays, cheer, work, house...all those things, life is not "exciting". These are tough years I just thought.
My husband had been acting weird for a couple months, on his computer ALWAYS, he is an IT manager so it wasn't weird for him to have a laptop by his recliner, but it got to the point that family would come over he'd be on it, we'd watch tv, he'd be on it. Several nights I would go to bed before him, he is a night owl and Im not so I normally went to bed before him, I would wake up at 3, 4 am and he wasn't in bed I would get up and go down to the living room and he was on his laptop and say something like oh I fell asleep on the couch and was just checking my email before I go to bed. I really didn't think anything of it because he stayed up late alot playing xbox and tv...but these few times he looked guilty like he got caught. 
So to make a VERY long story short, October 3, 2008 I went to bed before he did and I woke up at 2:30am and he wasn't in bed. He was upstairs so I snuck up the stairs, came around the corner and he was on a webcam talking to a girl. Obvious reaction what the f are you doing. Came out he has been "friends" with this girl on twitter for over a year but in the last couple of months we cofessed our feelings!! She lives in Alabama, never met her, but he thinks? he loves her. I told him if he didn't stop the relationship immediately he had to move out. He refused to stop the relationship, since he no longer loved me and could not see us growing old together. (btw this girl complete opposite of me, tatoos, tounge piercing, single mom of 2, where I have no tatoos, very modest and only have kids with my husband). He moved in with his parents..., 9 days later asked to move back home and promises to end it with this girl. I am extatict!! He comes home, just the beginning...I continue to catch him talking to her until February...the final time he "allowed" me to call her and gave me access to things and went off websites such as twitter, skype, justin.tv. He kept facebook but I joined facebook and I have his password. I am convinced he was having a mid life crisis, therapist says it too early for one, but I disagree. He wanted to be single, clubs, drink...have fun!! Live life...!!
We went to couseling and obviously lied until April to me and the counselor, oh because he started talking to another girl and I caught him in April, flirting, making very inappropriate comments to a girl 15 years younger than him. 
When did it turn I can't really put my finger on it. I took responsibility for my actions. I certainly wasn't perfect, there was alot of resentment through the years that I just bottled up, now I realize I really wasn't happy either...really not happy. But when you have given 17 years to 1 person and have 2 kids together, you GOT to try and make it work. I never stopped loving my husband but I certainly didn't like him much of the time and he really didn't think I liked him either.
I was in complete parinoia ALL the time and I was a basket case, didn't know from day to day if I was going to make him upset and leave...so I walked on eggshells because I knew he left again it was over, what our kids went through when H left for 9 days, I would rather you cut my legs and arms off than to watch my kids go through that again.
I am not a holler roller, but I am christian and in May at church it was an incredible sermon and after asked anyone to come to the alter, and I did and I truly gave it to God. I have no control of my husbands actions and I thought I had to be a certain way for him to love me and I was just giving myself an injustice. I gave it to God (my husband is not a christian, believer)and told God it's in your hands what I have done for 7 months hasn't worked and so I give it to you and will do what I am suppose to do as a christian wife, because the way it was going we still were not going to make it, he was home but that was about it. So I changed because I wasn't trying to change him anymore, worked on my problems in the marriage and saw him coming around slowly, and I didn't crusify him about her everytime we talked. 
We are doing good, better than we've been probably in 10 years, we are laughing, going out more on dates, and I can honestly say he is my best friend, where neither one of us could say that for years. We want to spend time with each other. Does it still come up...absolutely, just the other night I had a nightmare of this girl showing up on our doorstep and I had anxiety all day, I was reassured by my H, which reassurance is HUGE!! He wants to just forget and move past all of it and if it were up to him he probably would, but I am still working on the hurt, betrayal, trust...I have forgiven him, I have not told him face to face that I forgive him, theres fear there I don't know why. But I was told by someone that an affair is a last ditch effort to save the marriage, it sounds so contradictory, but now getting through this it's probably true. We are stronger than we have been in years!! One other thing for you who your husband or wife told you they dont love you...I was told love is a choice, you can choose to love someone or not, it is a feeling but it is also a choice.
I believe we are out of the woods, BUT we are still working so hard on this marriage you cannot stop to take any alternate routes in a marriage, if you do it may end up in a complete collision...stay focused on each other and have empathy for one another, what each person has gone through. When all this happened all I could think of was myself, not anything I had put my husband through, through the years... and our counselor said that was the first thing he saw in us almost a competition of who was hurt the most. Well, start feeling empathy for the other person and that will take some of the focus off you, and start thinking of the other person.
Thank you for your time.


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## brokenJenn

Wow....your story is so uplifting. I have been trying to "give it to God" too and have had mixed success. It truely shows that there is hope through all this mess. And right now all I have is hope.

Thank you for sharing


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## wsoul

I just found out 2 days ago that my husband is cheating on me.. not only that, he pawned all of my jewelry including my wedding ring, engagement ring without my knowledge and has been paying another woman's bills. he has not worked for close to a year and I've been keeping the mortgage going and taking care of the bills while he gave me none of his unemployment to help and also gave me excuses why he could not help with the bills. He even pawned the one piece of jewelry that i have from my mother who died a few months ago. I've seen text messages telling the other woman that he loves her etc.. and after confronting him was able to get him to confess.

I'm also a christian and have been praying and trying to figure out what i should do. He say he wants to save the marriage and that it is over with the woman but I don't believe him. I want to do the right thing but have decided that if he will not fully disclose all phone passwords, e-mail logins etc and give me full control of his finances that i will not be able to trust him. I know that God is with me and i'm seeking his guidance. If my husband does not do what i ask then i know he will continue to hide and lie so why even make the effort. I deserve a lot better and if he is not willing do this to salvage the marriage then I'm moving on. There is a time for everything and sometimes, its time to say goodbye I think for self preservation. Because do we really want to stay in these toxic relationships and be unhappy. We can do that all by ourselves. Any thoughts.


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## Sensitive

Every time I read a story of a cheating spouse, I ask myself, why is she staying? Then I look at my own situation and realize how difficult it is to just pick up and leave. If a husband is going to lie and cheat about another woman, why won't he continue to be dishonest about wanting to reconcile? My husband was very mean to my kids when I asked for a divorce and I could not continue the pain, on myself, my husband or the kids.


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## MEM2020

Great story. Too what degree was your physical/sexual relationship a big factor in his constant straying and in him eventually re-committing to the marriage? Had he conveyed his serious frustration with that situation to you? 




strawberry4 said:


> I am 38 and so is my H and we have 2 children. We have been married 12 years together 17. My husband has always been THE most honest person I've ever met in my life. Brutally honest sometimes. October 3,2008 my life changed forever. I knew things weren't great with us, I just thought it was a rut... now I realize it was denial but kids 9 and 7 soccer, plays, cheer, work, house...all those things, life is not "exciting". These are tough years I just thought.
> My husband had been acting weird for a couple months, on his computer ALWAYS, he is an IT manager so it wasn't weird for him to have a laptop by his recliner, but it got to the point that family would come over he'd be on it, we'd watch tv, he'd be on it. Several nights I would go to bed before him, he is a night owl and Im not so I normally went to bed before him, I would wake up at 3, 4 am and he wasn't in bed I would get up and go down to the living room and he was on his laptop and say something like oh I fell asleep on the couch and was just checking my email before I go to bed. I really didn't think anything of it because he stayed up late alot playing xbox and tv...but these few times he looked guilty like he got caught.
> So to make a VERY long story short, October 3, 2008 I went to bed before he did and I woke up at 2:30am and he wasn't in bed. He was upstairs so I snuck up the stairs, came around the corner and he was on a webcam talking to a girl. Obvious reaction what the f are you doing. Came out he has been "friends" with this girl on twitter for over a year but in the last couple of months we cofessed our feelings!! She lives in Alabama, never met her, but he thinks? he loves her. I told him if he didn't stop the relationship immediately he had to move out. He refused to stop the relationship, since he no longer loved me and could not see us growing old together. (btw this girl complete opposite of me, tatoos, tounge piercing, single mom of 2, where I have no tatoos, very modest and only have kids with my husband). He moved in with his parents..., 9 days later asked to move back home and promises to end it with this girl. I am extatict!! He comes home, just the beginning...I continue to catch him talking to her until February...the final time he "allowed" me to call her and gave me access to things and went off websites such as twitter, skype, justin.tv. He kept facebook but I joined facebook and I have his password. I am convinced he was having a mid life crisis, therapist says it too early for one, but I disagree. He wanted to be single, clubs, drink...have fun!! Live life...!!
> We went to couseling and obviously lied until April to me and the counselor, oh because he started talking to another girl and I caught him in April, flirting, making very inappropriate comments to a girl 15 years younger than him.
> When did it turn I can't really put my finger on it. I took responsibility for my actions. I certainly wasn't perfect, there was alot of resentment through the years that I just bottled up, now I realize I really wasn't happy either...really not happy. But when you have given 17 years to 1 person and have 2 kids together, you GOT to try and make it work. I never stopped loving my husband but I certainly didn't like him much of the time and he really didn't think I liked him either.
> I was in complete parinoia ALL the time and I was a basket case, didn't know from day to day if I was going to make him upset and leave...so I walked on eggshells because I knew he left again it was over, what our kids went through when H left for 9 days, I would rather you cut my legs and arms off than to watch my kids go through that again.
> I am not a holler roller, but I am christian and in May at church it was an incredible sermon and after asked anyone to come to the alter, and I did and I truly gave it to God. I have no control of my husbands actions and I thought I had to be a certain way for him to love me and I was just giving myself an injustice. I gave it to God (my husband is not a christian, believer)and told God it's in your hands what I have done for 7 months hasn't worked and so I give it to you and will do what I am suppose to do as a christian wife, because the way it was going we still were not going to make it, he was home but that was about it. So I changed because I wasn't trying to change him anymore, worked on my problems in the marriage and saw him coming around slowly, and I didn't crusify him about her everytime we talked.
> We are doing good, better than we've been probably in 10 years, we are laughing, going out more on dates, and I can honestly say he is my best friend, where neither one of us could say that for years. We want to spend time with each other. Does it still come up...absolutely, just the other night I had a nightmare of this girl showing up on our doorstep and I had anxiety all day, I was reassured by my H, which reassurance is HUGE!! He wants to just forget and move past all of it and if it were up to him he probably would, but I am still working on the hurt, betrayal, trust...I have forgiven him, I have not told him face to face that I forgive him, theres fear there I don't know why. But I was told by someone that an affair is a last ditch effort to save the marriage, it sounds so contradictory, but now getting through this it's probably true. We are stronger than we have been in years!! One other thing for you who your husband or wife told you they dont love you...I was told love is a choice, you can choose to love someone or not, it is a feeling but it is also a choice.
> I believe we are out of the woods, BUT we are still working so hard on this marriage you cannot stop to take any alternate routes in a marriage, if you do it may end up in a complete collision...stay focused on each other and have empathy for one another, what each person has gone through. When all this happened all I could think of was myself, not anything I had put my husband through, through the years... and our counselor said that was the first thing he saw in us almost a competition of who was hurt the most. Well, start feeling empathy for the other person and that will take some of the focus off you, and start thinking of the other person.
> Thank you for your time.


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## dantanph

I am in the same situation.


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## TempTime

strawberry4-
Your post is encouraging. It sounds like you have the right attitude. 
Best of luck to you both!


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## douglas

strawberry4 said:


> I am 38 and so is my H and we have 2 children. We have been married 12 years together 17. My husband has always been THE most honest person I've ever met in my life. Brutally honest sometimes. October 3,2008 my life changed forever. I knew things weren't great with us, I just thought it was a rut... now I realize it was denial but kids 9 and 7 soccer, plays, cheer, work, house...all those things, life is not "exciting". These are tough years I just thought.
> My husband had been acting weird for a couple months, on his computer ALWAYS, he is an IT manager so it wasn't weird for him to have a laptop by his recliner, but it got to the point that family would come over he'd be on it, we'd watch tv, he'd be on it. Several nights I would go to bed before him, he is a night owl and Im not so I normally went to bed before him, I would wake up at 3, 4 am and he wasn't in bed I would get up and go down to the living room and he was on his laptop and say something like oh I fell asleep on the couch and was just checking my email before I go to bed. I really didn't think anything of it because he stayed up late alot playing xbox and tv...but these few times he looked guilty like he got caught.
> So to make a VERY long story short, October 3, 2008 I went to bed before he did and I woke up at 2:30am and he wasn't in bed. He was upstairs so I snuck up the stairs, came around the corner and he was on a webcam talking to a girl. Obvious reaction what the f are you doing. Came out he has been "friends" with this girl on twitter for over a year but in the last couple of months we cofessed our feelings!! She lives in Alabama, never met her, but he thinks? he loves her. I told him if he didn't stop the relationship immediately he had to move out. He refused to stop the relationship, since he no longer loved me and could not see us growing old together. (btw this girl complete opposite of me, tatoos, tounge piercing, single mom of 2, where I have no tatoos, very modest and only have kids with my husband). He moved in with his parents..., 9 days later asked to move back home and promises to end it with this girl. I am extatict!! He comes home, just the beginning...I continue to catch him talking to her until February...the final time he "allowed" me to call her and gave me access to things and went off websites such as twitter, skype, justin.tv. He kept facebook but I joined facebook and I have his password. I am convinced he was having a mid life crisis, therapist says it too early for one, but I disagree. He wanted to be single, clubs, drink...have fun!! Live life...!!
> We went to couseling and obviously lied until April to me and the counselor, oh because he started talking to another girl and I caught him in April, flirting, making very inappropriate comments to a girl 15 years younger than him.
> When did it turn I can't really put my finger on it. I took responsibility for my actions. I certainly wasn't perfect, there was alot of resentment through the years that I just bottled up, now I realize I really wasn't happy either...really not happy. But when you have given 17 years to 1 person and have 2 kids together, you GOT to try and make it work. I never stopped loving my husband but I certainly didn't like him much of the time and he really didn't think I liked him either.
> I was in complete parinoia ALL the time and I was a basket case, didn't know from day to day if I was going to make him upset and leave...so I walked on eggshells because I knew he left again it was over, what our kids went through when H left for 9 days, I would rather you cut my legs and arms off than to watch my kids go through that again.
> I am not a holler roller, but I am christian and in May at church it was an incredible sermon and after asked anyone to come to the alter, and I did and I truly gave it to God. I have no control of my husbands actions and I thought I had to be a certain way for him to love me and I was just giving myself an injustice. I gave it to God (my husband is not a christian, believer)and told God it's in your hands what I have done for 7 months hasn't worked and so I give it to you and will do what I am suppose to do as a christian wife, because the way it was going we still were not going to make it, he was home but that was about it. So I changed because I wasn't trying to change him anymore, worked on my problems in the marriage and saw him coming around slowly, and I didn't crusify him about her everytime we talked.
> We are doing good, better than we've been probably in 10 years, we are laughing, going out more on dates, and I can honestly say he is my best friend, where neither one of us could say that for years. We want to spend time with each other. Does it still come up...absolutely, just the other night I had a nightmare of this girl showing up on our doorstep and I had anxiety all day, I was reassured by my H, which reassurance is HUGE!! He wants to just forget and move past all of it and if it were up to him he probably would, but I am still working on the hurt, betrayal, trust...I have forgiven him, I have not told him face to face that I forgive him, theres fear there I don't know why. But I was told by someone that an affair is a last ditch effort to save the marriage, it sounds so contradictory, but now getting through this it's probably true. We are stronger than we have been in years!! One other thing for you who your husband or wife told you they dont love you...I was told love is a choice, you can choose to love someone or not, it is a feeling but it is also a choice.
> I believe we are out of the woods, BUT we are still working so hard on this marriage you cannot stop to take any alternate routes in a marriage, if you do it may end up in a complete collision...stay focused on each other and have empathy for one another, what each person has gone through. When all this happened all I could think of was myself, not anything I had put my husband through, through the years... and our counselor said that was the first thing he saw in us almost a competition of who was hurt the most. Well, start feeling empathy for the other person and that will take some of the focus off you, and start thinking of the other person.
> Thank you for your time.


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## douglas

"But I was told by someone that an affair is a last ditch effort to save the marriage, it sounds so contradictory, but now getting through this it's probably true. We are stronger than we have been in years!! "

How is an affair an effort to save the marriage?


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