# I want to have wild, passionate sex and he doesn't!



## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I've posted on here before..not too long ago actually, and I got some pretty good advice. I can't really talk to my friends because they are so very self absorbed that they can't help anyone else with anything...ugh..I need to find new friends..anyways, I thought I'd come here for some advice. 

I'm 30, my H is 31. We've known each other our whole lives. We've been married for 11 years and together for 13. We have a 10 year old daughter together. We've always had great sex..but the past 2 years have been different. I think about and want sex all the time..he NEVER thinks about or wants sex...ever. We might have sex 1 time a week..usually about every 7 or 8 days..and that's when I start *****ing because I feel like something is wrong..with me, with us, with him...something is not right! I've caught him several times watching porn. Most recently I caught him looking at naked pictures on Craigslist while he was "looking for a Jon Boat". When I confronted him he said he just wanted to see what kind of people put that stuff on Craigslist...yeah, right. So, now he says he won't watch it anymore because I told him it makes me hate myself and feel terrible about our relationship..which I DO NOT believe..it might not be so bad if he was interested in me...but I don't feel that he is. I've started marking a tiny dot on the calander on the days we have sex. It's sad. 

So, to try to get my H in the mood I'll mess around with him and (sorry to be so blunt) he'll get hard..but he usually just lets me give him a BJ and that's it...I get nothing in return. Even when I tell him how turned on it makes me to do that to him..he doesn't touch me most of the time. And sometimes I just want to be sexual with him, so even though I know he's not going to give me anything I give him a BJ just so I can feel that closeness to him for just a second..but then when it's over and he's watching TV or goes to sleep I feel like crap! And he never makes out with me for no reason. He never makes sexuall comments to me..

Why does he do that?

I've told him so many times that I just want him to have his way with me! Just have wild, passionate, crazy sex! It doesn't have to be like that all the time..but sometimes I just want to feel like he can't keep his hands off of me! No one I know has this problem..I'm alone. I feel unattractive, and unwanted. His actions and his words DO NOT go together..I've told him that over and over..I tell him how all this makes me feel, and what I want...I mean I lay it out . I told him if I was a man and my wife had said everything to me that I have said to him, I would take her out to a nice resturant and get a nice room at a nice hotel just out of town, and I would make love to her and she would KNOW for sure without a doubt that I loved her and that she still turned me on....do you think that has ever happend? NOPE! Nothing ever changes and I don't know what to do anymore.

Sorry this was so dang long!!!


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## sdicharry54 (Aug 1, 2011)

When you get an answer to your problem, Please pass it along to me, Im 26, husband is 28, and he has no interest in me, sex. Its so hurtful, he makes excuses like we are old, or we've made our family, but im too young to live my life abstanant. Their are other guys out there that would kill for a woman that wanted to have sex all the time, but not my husband, Im sure things are not the same after 3 kids, but there is really nothing i can do to change that..


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you girls need to play a little hard to get.

start being less available. not rude but coy if you will. be patient and he,ll come around (pun intended).

If he dosn't pull his head out of his *** and wise up then you got a tough decision to make.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

When I play hard to get...like last night..he thinks it's me being mad at him and he starts trying to make a move..I don't want to turn him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that's not when I want to have sex with him. That's like pitty sex..I dont want that!. Do I still turn him down even if it hurts his feelings? He hurts mine all the time.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> When I play hard to get...like last night..he thinks it's me being mad at him and he starts trying to make a move..I don't want to turn him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that's not when I want to have sex with him. That's like pitty sex..I dont want that!. Do I still turn him down even if it hurts his feelings? He hurts mine all the time.


Some men have a need to be the hunter or pursuer. If its to easy to get they lose interest. Not saying that's the problem here but it is at least worth consideration.


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> I've posted on here before..not too long ago actually, and I got some pretty good advice. I can't really talk to my friends because they are so very self absorbed that they can't help anyone else with anything...ugh..I need to find new friends..anyways, I thought I'd come here for some advice.
> 
> I'm 30, my H is 31. We've known each other our whole lives. We've been married for 11 years and together for 13. We have a 10 year old daughter together. We've always had great sex..but the past 2 years have been different. I think about and want sex all the time..he NEVER thinks about or wants sex...ever. We might have sex 1 time a week..usually about every 7 or 8 days..and that's when I start *****ing because I feel like something is wrong..with me, with us, with him...something is not right! I've caught him several times watching porn. Most recently I caught him looking at naked pictures on Craigslist while he was "looking for a Jon Boat". When I confronted him he said he just wanted to see what kind of people put that stuff on Craigslist...yeah, right. So, now he says he won't watch it anymore because I told him it makes me hate myself and feel terrible about our relationship..which I DO NOT believe..it might not be so bad if he was interested in me...but I don't feel that he is. I've started marking a tiny dot on the calander on the days we have sex. It's sad.
> 
> ...


You DO know that you are just hitting your sexual peak, while your husband's sexual peak was about 13 years ago? (This proves once again that God does indeed have a sense of humor...)

Hmmm...

It sounds to me like he is obeying Newton's first law - a body at rest tends to remain at rest. Sometimes you get out of the habit and it's a ***** getting back to it.

He is clearly interested in sex or he wouldn't be looking at naked women on the internet. 

Try taking it a little slower, and maybe ask - what his problem.

BTW, leaving you hanging after you "service" him sucks. No pun intended.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Parrothead said:


> You DO know that you are just hitting your sexual peak, while your husband's sexual peak was about 13 years ago? (This proves once again that God does indeed have a sense of humor...)
> 
> Hmmm...
> 
> ...


 Yes, I have read and heard that about the sex drive difference...but what I don't get is..if he's looking he's thinking about it...but why doesn't he touch me? He says it's just me being unhappy with myself. what he doesn't realize is that him not wanting to have sex with me or touch me makes me not like myself.It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. And we have a couple of friends who have hot girlfriends and I get pissed when they come over. I feel like he enjoys looking at them more than me. I know that's stupid but I just feel so completely insecure right now.. and it sucks! and yes him leaving me hanging effin sucks too!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

31 is very young. he needs to stop with the porn and the craigslist thing is very alarming. he is being very disrespectful to you at the very least.

I think you should ask for counseling, and tell him you are about to give up on the marriage.

He also should see a Dr about his testosterone levels etc..

I don't blame you for being unhappy. Does he realize how much this is harming the marriage?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> Yes, I have read and heard that about the sex drive difference...but what I don't get is..if he's looking he's thinking about it...but why doesn't he touch me? He says it's just me being unhappy with myself. what he doesn't realize is that him not wanting to have sex with me or touch me makes me not like myself.It makes me feel like something is wrong with me. And we have a couple of friends who have hot girlfriends and I get pissed when they come over. I feel like he enjoys looking at them more than me. I know that's stupid but I just feel so completely insecure right now.. and it sucks! and yes him leaving me hanging effin sucks too!


I wish I could just smack him myself. He is missing out big time.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My H was still showing me affection but I relate to some of the feelings you have. With us, there were other things going on emotionally that had built up over time. Without realizing, we'd created certain patterns between us that were inadvertently affecting our intimacy. The last few months we've hashed through lots of emotions unrelated to sex. 

Your H needs to stop with the porn and direct his focus on you and the relationship. There might be other things going on mentally, so while stopping with the porn will help, there's a possibility you'll discover other aspects of your relationship that needs improving. 

I was the initiator, he's always said he loves my sexual prowess but I was naive to the fact that he might like the challenge/mystery of chasing me. When I cooled my flirtatiousness and initiating (and after we'd resolved some of the other issues), it left him room to show his desire for me. Our sex life is improving and long-term changes are occurring. Rather than losing that sexual prowess side of myself that he loves, I'm learning to channel that energy in a slightly different way. He's enjoying taking the role of initiator and being more direct with me sexually. I'm loving encouraging this side of him. Meanwhile I've also thought back to things I used to do that I've neglected slightly - such as romancing him! Everything combined, we're not just getting back on track, we're building an even stronger relationship.

After reading these boards, I don't think there are usually quick-fixes for these things, which makes for a more interesting and well-rounded journey. Good luck!


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> My H was still showing me affection but I relate to some of the feelings you have. With us, there were other things going on emotionally that had built up over time. Without realizing, we'd created certain patterns between us that were inadvertently affecting our intimacy.


:iagree:

This was well said, and advice worth heeding.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

Not to sound crass, but I wonder what his reaction would be if he walked in on you masturbating? Men are visual and this might kick-start the motor. 

However, it does seem strange that a 31-yr-old man is content with sex only about once a week or so.


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## kelevra (May 19, 2011)

wow he doesn't know what he is missing. Hope you work things out gurl !


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Peace2000 said:


> When I play hard to get...like last night..he thinks it's me being mad at him and he starts trying to make a move..I don't want to turn him down because I don't want to hurt his feelings. But that's not when I want to have sex with him. That's like pitty sex..I dont want that!. Do I still turn him down even if it hurts his feelings? He hurts mine all the time.


If he thinks your mad when your playing hard to get then maybe your body language is off.

when he makes his move try saying something like a foot rub and a nice back rub would probley get me in the mood quite nicely.

or what ever you in the mood for.

if he rolls his eye or balks like its too much effort then casually turn him down. you could say I can see your not really into caring about making love to me or what I desire so I think I'll pass and just read or watch TV.

and then hold your ground don't initate until he dose. and when he dose be alittle selfish don't be so eager to please. If he just tries to do the wham bam thankyou mam then stop him and say I need A little more effort on your part on the things I like or I'd rather masterbate. don't say it with an attitude say it from your heart because its true.

some people are just selfish this way and if he dosn't come around then you have to make a choice is this a deal breaker or not.

good luck


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

What exactly happened two years ago that caused this change in him? What made you want to have sex all the time - was he pulling away from you then and it made you want to pursue, or was it something else?

The fact that he is willing to look at things like Craigslist indicates that there's a desire in him, but it's not necessarily for you. That issue needs to be addressed stat. If looking at these types of things is a dealbreaker for you, you need to be honest and set a very firm boundary about it.

What does he say his reasons are for his actions? Do you discuss it? What does he say? Does he think you pursue too much and he wants to do it? Does he think you come across as too needy and that turns him off? Is he looking for something new in the bedroom that he isn't getting?

The only way to find out is to communicate with each other.

Best wishes.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

Parrothead said:


> You DO know that you are just hitting your sexual peak, while your husband's sexual peak was about 13 years ago? (This proves once again that God does indeed have a sense of humor...)


Just to throw water on this: One she says if she goes down he gets hard, so there are no issues there. Two, I'm 42 and my sex drive is pretty much the same as it was at 19, only I can control things a hell of a lot better.

If you want to have sex all the time, then get him aroused and climb on top. Have you tried that? It sounds like he's become passive or has issues right now.

Despite many women's thought's that men are purely physical, a bit of atmosphere and fun goes a long way. 

Anyways, you need a new approach. The desperate housewife one is a huge turnoff. 

If he isn't kissing you and reaffirming your relationship then there is a deeper issue in your partnership. I'd ask him point blank if he wants to be with you, and if so why the heck is he not taking care of business and making you feel wanted?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe he's just not that hot for you. When you're 19 you'll screw her if she's not a cyclops. By 40, not so much. It's not a reflection of you so much as how much he's 'into' you. 

Or maybe he's chugged the Kool Aid and determined that since women all just really want chocolate, Oprah and talking about their feelings, that exactly what he's giving you.


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## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

Again, more detail and background is necessary here.

I'd like to ask: what does he do for a living? Is he exhausted? Is he uptight? Stressors?

I know for me I can get so overwhelmed by work responsibilities and this coupled with poor communication as mentioned, will tend to downshift my libido.

You need to look at other factors that are interfering and some may have very little to do with you.

What he needs is your support and unconditional love. My suggestion is to allow him some relaxation time Friday night-just let him do what he enjoys. Then, in the morning stay in bed with him on Saturday, if possible. If he makes a move, encourage him and do not get him off until you have come first. This always works for my wife and I.

Good luck.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Syrum said:


> 31 is very young. he needs to stop with the porn and the craigslist thing is very alarming. he is being very disrespectful to you at the very least.
> 
> I think you should ask for counseling, and tell him you are about to give up on the marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for reading my post! I've told him so many times how this makes me feel and what this is doing to our marriage. We talked about it the night before last. He said that he obviously was not who I wanted to be with, and that he doesn't have an answer to my questions. He doesn't know why he never does anything sweet or thoughtful for me. He doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex much, other than he's tired. But he does say that he loves me, he wants to be with me, he's attracted to me, he won't watch porn anymore (I DO NOT believe this statement). He says he's never had a problem with the way I look, that I'm the one with the problem. He says all men look at porn and he was just curious about the people on Craigslist..whatever! So the night before last when we talked about it he was acted like he really didn't want to hear what I had to say. So I told him that I was tired of talking about it because nothing ever changes. He says I don't give him time to change..that's so not true. So I told him I wasn't wasting my energy on talking about it anymore. He knows how I feel and if he's heard me and cares he will do something about it. Yesterday and today I've been distant (maybe not the right word) not all lovey dovey like I usually am..I'm not chasing after his affection anymore. I don't know what to do anymore!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Entropy3000 said:


> I wish I could just smack him myself. He is missing out big time.


LOL! Thank you!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

heartsbreaking said:


> My H was still showing me affection but I relate to some of the feelings you have. With us, there were other things going on emotionally that had built up over time. Without realizing, we'd created certain patterns between us that were inadvertently affecting our intimacy. The last few months we've hashed through lots of emotions unrelated to sex.
> 
> Your H needs to stop with the porn and direct his focus on you and the relationship. There might be other things going on mentally, so while stopping with the porn will help, there's a possibility you'll discover other aspects of your relationship that needs improving.
> 
> ...


Thanks for commenting! I guess I should make it clear that he IS affectionate in some ways. He does hug me and peck kiss me on the lips. And when we talk about this problem he says " I give you hug and a kiss as soon as I walk in the door from work or sometimes when I walk "OMG! YOU DON'T GET IT! YOU STILL DON'T GET IT! AGHHHHH!!!!!" It's driving me insane!

Sometimes when I ask him "why" he says "I guess we just got into a routine". Well helloooo!!! Stop being so freaking routine! Last night I decided that I'm not chasing him anymore. I'm not talking about it anymore. I'm done. So we'll see if he enjoys the challenge, because that's what he's about to get. I totally feel like something is mentally bothering him but he won't tell me. I've tried to tell him to just tell me whatever is bothering him and we will work on it. He says nothing is wrong and he gets mad if I continue to ask him what's wrong. I want to make our relationship stronger but I don't feel like he really cares.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

fredless said:


> Not to sound crass, but I wonder what his reaction would be if he walked in on you masturbating? Men are visual and this might kick-start the motor.
> 
> However, it does seem strange that a 31-yr-old man is content with sex only about once a week or so.


I've wondered the same thing! Or what he would do if he walked in on my watching porn..or Playgirl with HOT men. He would either be turned on or he would see what that feels like. 

I totally agree that 31 is too young for this crap!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> If he thinks your mad when your playing hard to get then maybe your body language is off.
> 
> when he makes his move try saying something like a foot rub and a nice back rub would probley get me in the mood quite nicely.
> 
> ...


WOW! I never thought about it like that before! I guess my body language IS off! I'm gonna so try this and see what I get! And I do have a tendency to have an attitude when we discuss this issue, but it's because I've been dealing with this for sooooo long! and I'm sooo sick of it! BUT, he does get a different look in his eyes when I say things I really mean straight from the heart and not with an attitude...thank you! Advice taken!!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I guess I should've mentioned this in the beginning..When we were married for 2 years he left me and our 15 month old daughter. I mean he got out of the bed at 11:00pm, told me he couldn't do this anymore, that he wasn't happy and he was gone. I had NO clue anything was wrong.He just got up and walked out the door and left me sitting in the middle of the bed crying my eyes out while my world crumbled around me. I was 21 and he was 22. That was 9 year ago. I was of course devastated. I heard rumors of him with other women..at that time I would call them girls. I was also told by a friend that she heard him say infront of several people that my body was not what it was before I had our daughter. Of course he denied all of it. I found a phone number on his cell phone bill that I didn't know. It was listed a ton of times for several minutes at a time. I figured out it was girl and I found where she lived. I road by her apartment but I didn't see his truck. I called her and asked her if she knew him. She said yes and that he bought some speakers from her. I told her who I was and asked her why they needed to talk so much about speakers. She said she had only talked to him a few times and that she had a boyfriend. This was after he left.

After 2 months of begging him to come home, I filed for divorce. When I told him I needed him to come sign the papers he wanted to talk, and he wanted to come home. So of course, I let him come home. About the 2nd week he was back he went somewhere with a friend and I thought I'd be nice and wash his Jeep while I was washing my car. I was vaccuming the inside and I sucked up the back to an earring that didn't belong to me! He said he drove one night when him and some other people went out to a club. I was sick! It was a terrible time in our relationship. We had several bad name calling fights back then. 

I felt like we were in a much better place, even though I would still think about that time from time to time. I lost alot of weight when he left me. He told me one time that he told his friend I looked hot after he hadn't seen me in a while. So when I think about the way things are now, and the comments he's made in the past...it's ME! it's ALL ME! I'm a fat ass and he hates me! That's it! He loves me but he hates the fact that he has to sleep with me!... wow!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I agree that some men like to be the pursuer, if it's too easy, it's boring. DO turn him down, it's called a tease. Do it softly though, and playfully.

Wear sexy to get him going, claim you just feel comfortable. Find out what he likes, for example, I personally don't like lingerie compared to other blokes, I prefer just a t-shirt and nothing else, or a short skirt/shorts, or a bathrobe, or a towel, etc etc. Your hubby may have different tastes. And wear your hair in accordance to what turns him on, for example, I like it when my wife puts her hair up the most, it exposes that neck of hers that makes me wanna nibble.

Posing also works, lie sexy on the bed, throw your hair back, play with it, rub your legs along his, etc. Have some positive attitude, carry yourself with confidence, and give him the impression "I'm sexy and beautiful, but you can't have me". Enjoy the tease too.

Like for example, the missus' best tease was when she wore nothing but a t-shirt when I came home, I was like yeah, whatever still. But she didn't flinch, she was patient like a spider, then we had dinner together on our glass table, and it was see-through -> she KEPT crossing her legs teasing the hell outta me. After a while I lost it, grabbed her and rammed her.

I wish she teases me everyday really, instead of just taking me forcefully whenever she wants and sucks me dry like a black widow feeding on her husband. I swear our bed is like a web sometimes. She was probably a spider in her last life.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Oh god I had the same problem , was only together 3 months when he lost interest to be honest we onlyl did it about four times in four years. We split last christmas , the feeling of being unwanted and undesired was too much for me to bare , now on my own its easier than laying next to someone who doens't want you x


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> Thanks for reading my post! I've told him so many times how this makes me feel and what this is doing to our marriage. We talked about it the night before last. He said that he obviously was not who I wanted to be with, and that he doesn't have an answer to my questions


.

That's just a cop out so he won't have to do anything. You should have said "You are right, I thought I had married someone who cared about me and my needs and who would be motivated enough to do something about them.



> He doesn't know why he never does anything sweet or thoughtful for me. He doesn't know why he doesn't want to have sex much, other than he's tired.


Because he is selfish and has behaved very badly before and you are still there. He doesn't really believe you will take action and it's easy for him to only think of himself.



> But he does say that he loves me, he wants to be with me, he's attracted to me, he won't watch porn anymore (I DO NOT believe this statement). He says he's never had a problem with the way I look, that I'm the one with the problem. He says all men look at porn


I disagree. not all men watch porn, and many give up watching it when they realize how much it hurts their wives. It's important to be with a man who will put his wife first, and certainly above porn of all things.



> and he was just curious about the people on Craigslist..whatever!


Tell him he's right, and you are also curious about people on craigslist. So much so you answered an add from "big shlong great abs' and are meeting him tomorrow. Yanno - just out of curiosity. 


> So the night before last when we talked about it he was acted like he really didn't want to hear what I had to say. So I told him that I was tired of talking about it because nothing ever changes. He says I don't give him time to change..that's so not true.


If some one really wants to change, then they put their whole heart into and do it. They get of bed in the morning committed to being better, and don't say "Oh I'll be better tomorrow"



> So I told him I wasn't wasting my energy on talking about it anymore. He knows how I feel and if he's heard me and cares he will do something about it. Yesterday and today I've been distant (maybe not the right word) not all lovey dovey like I usually am..I'm not chasing after his affection anymore. I don't know what to do anymore!


I think you deserve to be happy. File for divorce and move on from this lazy, lying cheating jerk face.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I agree that some men like to be the pursuer, if it's too easy, it's boring. DO turn him down, it's called a tease. Do it softly though, and playfully.
> 
> Wear sexy to get him going, claim you just feel comfortable. Find out what he likes, for example, I personally don't like lingerie compared to other blokes, I prefer just a t-shirt and nothing else, or a short skirt/shorts, or a bathrobe, or a towel, etc etc. Your hubby may have different tastes. And wear your hair in accordance to what turns him on, for example, I like it when my wife puts her hair up the most, it exposes that neck of hers that makes me wanna nibble.
> 
> ...


Thanks for reading and posting!!! I love the glass table tease!

I've spent days at the mall looking for the perfect cute little thing to lay around in in the evenings.I guess I never found what he likes. I tried the "posing"..it didn't work. He won't tell me what turns him on or what he likes. I've asked and he says " i don't know" WTF? I build things up in my head and I always get let down. I'll thinkg oh, Im gonna wear this and fix my hair and shave (everything) and he is not going to be able to resist me...and then nothing happens. Or we might kiss and he might grab my boobs, but it doesn't go farther than that usually. The only time we have sex lately is when I say something about him not ever wanting to do it. Or him not doing anything out of the way for me. He doesn't show intrest in me other than kissing and hugging me before he leaves the house, when he gets home, and before bed. He does fall asleep most nights with his arm around me..but that feels like a habit, or ...Hell, I don't know what the hell I feel like anymore! I've told myself that Im not going to chase after him or make any moves towards him...but I've found that I can't do that in a teasing way because really Im pissed and Im not a good actress! haha! I've been more cold than teasing..like walking right past him without looking his way, I act like I don't really want to kiss him and last night he took a shower kinda late (a sign for I guess I have to have sex with you tonight). But, I didn't want to have sex with him last night. I'm building up soooo much resentment. I don't want to live without him but I don't want to live this way either. He is VERY lazy around the house. He works hard at work but that's where it ends. And I thought to myself the other day, he can't take out the garbage on a regular basis, why do I expect anything else out of him..then that pisses me off and I think what the hell am I doing with someone for 13 years of my life that can't even take out the damn garbage?! UGHHHH! and did make the statement the other night that he guesses he's just selfish..he only thinks about his feelings. But he always has time and energy to help and do things with his friends.
I love him SO much and I know we can have a happy life together forever but he has to put in the effort and work. I can't be the only one doing it. He'll do better about his chores for about 2 or 3 weeks and then it's back to me doing EVERYTHING. All house work, all grocery buying, all the bill paying,..he goes to work and cuts the grass. If we did split up he'd have to go back to his Mama's because he wouldn't know what to do!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Syrum: I love your comments too! I LOLed to this one :Tell him he's right, and you are also curious about people on craigslist. So much so you answered an add from "big shlong great abs' and are meeting him tomorrow. Yanno - just out of curiosity. 

"Because he is selfish and has behaved very badly before and you are still there. He doesn't really believe you will take action and it's easy for him to only think of himself." This is so true!!! 

PS. I don't know how to do the multi-quote thing like you did! haha!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Im so afraid that I'm going to end up resenting him so much that I'm going to leave. And then he's going to realize what's going on and try to fix it then. I don't want that. I want him to think now, "I've made my wife feel like **** about herself and about our relationship. I can't let this keep going on. I'm going to take her out to a nice dinner and a romantic hotel for the night and show her just how much I love her and how she still turns me on and how I CAN make the effort." But no, I don't get that. 

Someone asked what happened 2 years ago for this behavior to start. I think it started when I lost my job. We ended up losing our house and his truck. We lost the house and truck this Jan. But, now we are in a very good situation. He has a nice truck that's new to him. Both our vehicles are paid for. Our ins. is lower, we rent the perfect house with the perfect neighbors and landlords. and it's just $450 a month. I have a pretty good part time job that I've had for about a year now, and he just leased 150 acers of hunting land down the road...so times are much better now than they were 2 years ago. Money and stress wise anyways. All though he does have stress at work. He does construction work with his dad...who is a total *******. But I can't help that. I shouldn't be punished because he hates his dad. Hell I hate him too, so stop giving him so much power! His dad says jump and he says how high..and then I'm in his ear asking why he doesn't want to have much to do with me...then I start feeling guilty so I push my feelings aside and focus on making his stress level lower...yeah, Im tired of doing that and not getting anything in return.

For our 10 year anniversary I wanted him to plan something for us. I always plan our anniversary trips. I felt like this was a big anniversary for us and I wanted him to do something special for me...remember, this has been going on for a long time. So the NIGHT before our anniversary he set up a TENT next to the creek on some land that his dad owns. By the time we got there, the water had risen and washed away the tent and SLEEPING BAGS (10 year anniversary in a tent and sleeping bags?) So, we spent the night freezing to death in the cab of his truck. Around 4 am I told him to take me home! It was terrible! He didn't even try to make the most out of the cab of the truck! So, he of course said nothing he does ever works out...well not when you plan something so last minute and stupid for your 10 year anniversary! I mean really? He has never doen anything to try to make that up for me. When he turned 30 last year I planned a huge surprise party for him at a nice cabin in the mountians with all our friends. He did NOTHING for my 30th. He said he called some people (his friends and their girlfriends who I don't really know that well) to come hang out in the back yard and he was going to build a fire and we could hang out and listen to music. ..but the weather man said it was going to rain that day so he just didn't plan ANYTHING! I still haven't gotten over that! And all these things are just piling up on top of each other and I'm dying here...but then I think I should stop complaining because at least he comes home everyday..and he dosen't drink much, he doesn't hit me, he's a good Daddy..but,,,I just don't know. Am I being too hard on him? I feel like for so long I've pushed my feelings aside and focused on his needs...but he says he feels like I don't care about feelings? I dont' understand that!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

And I forgot to mention that the day after he told me he wouldn't watch porn anymore, I was putting away his underwear and in his drawer on top of the boxers were 3 DVDs (porn) stacked on top of each other and the top on was open...and our lube is almost gone and we dont use it a whole lot! We only use it for long relaxing intense handjobs...which for some reason I LOVE to give but he dosen't love to return. I have not told him that I know these things. He has no idea that I know that he's still lying to me about watching porn. And I'm scared to say anything because I feel like I'm beating this in the ground and this will be the thing that sets him off and we will have a huge fight and I don't want to fight with him anymore...I just want this to go away! So should I tell him that I saw the DVDS on top of the clothes and open?


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Sould I try counsling on my own? Im feel like he'll think I'm crazy if I ask him to go. He makes me feel like he doesn't see that there is a problem and that I'm making it all up in my head...he kinda said that last night..that something was going on in my head because he doesn't feel the way I think he feels about me...but he doesn't want to have sex with me or do anything that requires effort on his part...that doesn't feel like love and him being attracted to me..


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Are you being too hard on him?

*NO*

He is walking all over you. 

Yes to counseling on your own. because then you might see your true value. You may be able to see that as things are you are never going to get the life you want or even need. 

this is not a healthy relationship. The man would rather beat off into his hand then have sex with his loving wife. That is his issue, and even though it makes you feel so very bad and heart broken and unattractive, it really isn't you at all. please believe this. It is him, he has a problem, and he has to want to change it. Right now, he is content, because all his needs are met and he can be as lazy and self centered as he likes.

When you really love someone, you care about being with them, spending time with them, being connected and also meeting their needs. When you hurt them you feel guilt.

Also have a look at this book on neuroplasticity. It has a section on porn and is very eye opening on how porn changes the brain.

Norman Doidge on pornography and neuroplasticity - worthwhile reading | Reuniting

I do think your H needs a huge wake up call, please don't spend one more day miserable with this awful selfish man.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> And I forgot to mention that the day after he told me he wouldn't watch porn anymore, I was putting away his underwear and in his drawer on top of the boxers were 3 DVDs (porn) stacked on top of each other and the top on was open...and our lube is almost gone and we dont use it a whole lot! We only use it for long relaxing intense handjobs...which for some reason I LOVE to give but he dosen't love to return. I have not told him that I know these things. He has no idea that I know that he's still lying to me about watching porn. And I'm scared to say anything because I feel like I'm beating this in the ground and this will be the thing that sets him off and we will have a huge fight and I don't want to fight with him anymore...I just want this to go away! So should I tell him that I saw the DVDS on top of the clothes and open?


I feel so much for your situation and I recently found out that years of neglect had a lot to do with porn. You talked about teasing and dressing up cute. When he finally confessed and opened up about what is going on (after 6 years!), he told me that often when I came onto him, he turned me down b/c he couldn't do anything - he'd already taken care of himself!!!

In my situation, however, the relationship was great otherwise, and I'm really working with him to get things on track. In your situaton, you're painting a pretty selfish picture of him. He lacks the desire to please you in many ways, not just in the bedroom, and porn is an easy way to get off without worrying about another person. The fact that he doesn't do other things for you, pitch in around the house, etc., makes me wonder why you declare you love so much? What does he do for you? Anything? BTW, I *totally* get the affection thing, how a peck on the lips and a hug almost feels platonic when the man won't sleep with you!!! I know how terrible it feels. 

Thing is, the biggest red flag I've read on the entire thread is that he won't talk to you about it. My hubby wouldn't either for a long time. It's probably hard to talk about, but if you can't be happy in a sexless marriage, you must get him to talk about it. You have to work on it together. If he realizes this may be a deal-breaker for you, and he wants to be with you, perhaps he'll open up. If you let him know you're ready to walk (only if you are - don't fake it), or that it could lead to that down the road and he doesn't want to work things out, then chances of making things better are over. He has to work on it, or you have to decide about whether or not to live permanently with the status quo.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Roothe and Syrum: You both are completely right! And I've told him that sometimes I don't know why I love him so much..and that's the truth..I don't. He does nothing for me but go to work and supporsts our family. I feel like he thinks that's enough. Even though I told him last week that I was getting nothing out of this relationship other than being his maid and our daughter's mother. Why do I feel guilty after I ***** about him not helping out around the house on top of not wanting to have sex. I dont know how to be nice about it anymore. When we discuss this with out arguing he says " Ill do better" but it never lasts.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Thanks yall! I'm starting to see that maybe it might not be me after all. I think I may start counsling to work on the damage he has done to me. I'm joining the Y today so hopefully I will feel better about myself soon. Until then I just have to keep thinking positive and see where things go. I'm not going to focus so much on his needs...and when I say his needs, I mean..I cook, fix his plate, take it to him, fix his drink, take it to him..I wait on him hand and foot! No more of that!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Well good. there is nothing wrong with giving, however if the person receiving never gives back it wears you down and you become resentful and it hurts.

I think even without the porn issue your marriage is in trouble. The no sex porn issue makes it even worse.

Have you seen the 180 thread?

I wish you luck.


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

I just turned the radio on and this some was on...think it might be a sign? and everything I watched last night was on this subject..

‪Ashton Sheperds - Takin' Off This Pain‬‏ - YouTube


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Syrum said:


> Well good. there is nothing wrong with giving, however if the person receiving never gives back it wears you down and you become resentful and it hurts.
> 
> I think even without the porn issue your marriage is in trouble. The no sex porn issue makes it even worse.
> 
> ...


Thanks! No what's the 180 thread?


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

So, it's Friday, pay day, we've discussed our issues all week. About how I don't feel that he finds me attractive anymore, and why he doesn't want to have sex or go out of his way to do something sweet for me...So, tell me why it doesn't cross his mind to stop and pick up a few flowers, or a card, or dinner, or a movie, or anything at all? You know where he is?...asleep on the couch..its 4:00 Friday afternoon  Yay Me!


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

He just left to go spend $75 on a belt for his 4wheeler...that shows me where his mind is! I asked him why after all this talk all week, not one day has it crossed his mind to do smething nice for me...not even $19.99 flowers at Wal-Mart or Kroger? His famous answer..."I dont know..I was just thinking about leaving work and coming home."...I might lose my mind very soon! I asked how it made him feel when I said that..he said bad..well then stop doing it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## txhunter54 (Jul 4, 2010)

Peace2000, your issues with your husband are similar to mine with my wife (exclude the porn, I think). I want to have wild, passionate sex with her and she doesn't. She is a one position (missionary) woman and really doesn't participate in any foreplay. I am the one giving foreplay for her. She doesn't reciprocate.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

Syrum said:


> Are you being too hard on him?
> 
> *NO*
> 
> ...


WOW. I just read this article. Since finding out that my H preferred Porn to me, I have been simply baffled. Who would want a hand instead of a live person? Especially a loving wife that you have a great relationship with?

Reading through this helped it make sense for the first time, that over stimulation in this addictive sense can cause a man to acclimate, need more stimulation and things that previously stimulated (like a wife) no longer do. This would explain why I could look great and dress sexy and he could tell me I look great, the same way a roommate or friend would, but never seemed turned on by it. Gosh that would feel terrible: I hated the "roommate" feeling, but at least it's not me. Now here's to hoping we can "fix" it...


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## Peace2000 (Oct 27, 2010)

Yep! It sucks! And he doesnt enjoy giving oral sex...which gives me another complex! After today, i can see that he isnt going to change. Im finding myself wishing I had to go to another state alone for some reason and have wild, hot sex with the first random stranger I find attractive!! Thats sooo bad!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Peace2000 said:


> He just left to go spend $75 on a belt for his 4wheeler...that shows me where his mind is! I asked him why after all this talk all week, not one day has it crossed his mind to do smething nice for me...not even $19.99 flowers at Wal-Mart or Kroger? His famous answer..."I dont know..I was just thinking about leaving work and coming home."...I might lose my mind very soon! I asked how it made him feel when I said that..he said bad..well then stop doing it!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Peace ~

Your husband sounds pretty lackadaisical and selfish to me. What do you think it would take to wake him up? And would you be willing to do that? I am thinking that words don't seem to get to him, so is there some action that may?

God Bless.


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