# LD needs advise.



## AlouCP (Aug 22, 2016)

I have always been LD when speaking in comparison to my husband's HD. But things have become much worse lately in that he is fed up and ready to leave. He is a good man, a great provider (we run our own business) and even does laundry and house cleaning now that I work full time running the business from our house. When we had a separate office I worked with 2 helpers now it is just me and that is okay because he gets home before I finish work and he really pitches in with household chores. As I said I have always been LD compared to him but even though I enjoy sex when we have it, no problems with lubrication or orgasm but I do not desire it enough to initiate. For some reason I have a block about initiation.I feel less feminine. Through the last 5 years or so I do not initiate and he gets angry about this. He feels his housework should free me up enough to make his sexual needs a higher priority in my life. Part of my issue is as I've come to realize is his desires have turned into something completely different from when we first were married/dating. He has told be he feels he is bi-sexual but does not feel the need to act on that part of his life although he looks at gay erotica, wants me to use a strap on on him, would like anal foreplay (his), role play and has dressed up in women's clothing. He thinks that our sex life is too vanilla and we need to spice it up but if I try to tell him I'm uncomfortable with this he says that as long as it is just us two in this marriage and we are consenting loving adults what we do shouldn't matter. That I should want to do these things to make him feel loved an accepted. I'm ok with his erotica and fantasies I just cannot get turned on by them and I try to put them out of my head but I think they are blocking me from being the sexual partner he needs in regards to frequency and intimacy. What should I do? I feel if I tell him these things are off the table I will be rejecting him for who he is. So I've unconsciously blocked our sex life so as not to deal with this but it's making it worse. I want to connect and be more loving and work on our sex life but I feel he is the more feminine of us (even though he is bearded and tattooed) he is thinner, in better shape (I'm taking care of myself and always make an effort to look good) better at house keeping and laundry and cooking than me. I feel he is almost perfect and I fall short. Why can't I just overlook his "kinks" and just see the man I love? He does not want to act with another man and wants to preserve our marriage but would like me to help him by incorporating his fantasies into our sexual reperatoire.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as most people say, marriage is often a matter of compromise.

your description of yourself is one who is LD but does enjoy sex and wants to and trys to please her husband.

he is somewhat bisexual and wants to do adventurous things. some of those things unfortunately are fringe type things that many women (and men) find disturbing
(anal foreplay).

a few thoughts:

1. unless you turn him down often, i think his getting angry at you for not initiating is not healthy.

2. by his aggressive actions, nagging and pouting, he is turning you OFF of sex, not turning you ON. doing the opposite of what he wants.

he needs to tone it down and find pleasure with the more simple things and concentrate on more pure romance.

you may want to compromise a bit more too and be willing to at least explore some of his ideas. try in the spirit of love and harmony and giving, but here's the problem;
if those ideas don't eventually pleasure you and you find them a real turn off, resentment will build and and the results will be what neither of you wants.

he needs to get this.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You have my sympathy. 

I couldn't participate in those activities either, nothing against those kinks, but yes I can understand why you can't overlook them. 
Of course you feel less feminine, I would too. 

He's bisexual. Some people can accept that, but you didn't know this we you married which is why it's difficult to understand how he's completely changed. 
He could change again too & eventually want to be with a man. 
But that's questionable. 

Maybe have a conversation with him first, talk to him about your concerns. 
Try to reach a zone/boundaries of what level of erotica you're able to compromise with. 
And remember it's not all about him, he has to make an effort to please & indulge in any of your fantasies also. 


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

first, I think it is very positive that you are trying to find a solution to a difficult problem.

I would say that you should lay out clearly (without anger or hostility) what your boundaries are regarding specific acts. Say that you will enthusiastically do everything but X, Y and Z. You can emphasize that you are not judging your husband, but that you simply aren't interested in those things. And you should add that you will understand if this is an insurmountable gap and he will need to move on as a result.

Assuming you are able to get over this part (big assumption, probably)-- regarding initiation-- you should say that you are uncomfortable with initiating, but that, so long as your husband is able to respect your boundaries regarding specific acts, you will not reject him if he initiates with you.

If you're not willing to make this promise (and to back it up) regarding him initiating, I'd say there is little hope of this being sustainable.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Do what you gotta do. Fantasize if you need to to get in the mood. Think about Brad Pitt and f*ck your husband's brains out. It doesn't have to be every time he wants it. Take that number and your number and split the difference.


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## wantshelp (Mar 10, 2016)

I'm a bit more open to trying different things. I've even thought of asking my wife to peg me (her wearing a dildo) because I was curious about what it felt like (I have other reasons, but that's been talked about in other threads). Gay guys really seem to like it and I have all the same parts. But, I have no feelings of attraction to other men. I think most heterosexual people just put Anal on a guy into a homosexual bin. But why is it not a homosexual act for a husband to do anal on his wife? I think the labels are the problem. I think in a marriage there are things you do for your spouse that are not super pleasant, like doing oral for your partner. But, I do it because the pleasure I can bring my wife is amazingly rewarding to me and makes any of the unpleasantness so insignificant, I don't bother ever mentioning it. And we do it because our partner wants to try to see what it feels like or we do it for the chance to see our partner experience something new or special. I also think when a partner confides something like this, it shows that you have done a good job making him feel safe to express what he wants. I think in a good marriage you don't judge your partner on their fantasies, particularly if it is physically easy to do (like pegging) and it's just between the two of you and there is no risk of physical harm. I think OP may have some hangups to work through about sexuality.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

AlouCP said:


> Why can't I just overlook his "kinks" and just see the man I love? He does not want to act with another man and wants to preserve our marriage but would like me to help him by incorporating his fantasies into our sexual reperatoire.


It sounds as if your husband has been turning to porn instead of you possibly because you reject him and he uses porn as a way to cope instead of having an affair. 

While people have mixed opinions about the use of porn being OK or NOT depending in the context, in your husband's case he has probably had to rely on it very heavily in order to make himself feel good.

If that is the case and he relies heavily on porn, odds are it has "overstimulated" him to where he is now numb to things that used to be sufficiently stimulating. Think of someone being exposed to spicy foods. At first a little spice is good, but only a little. Then in a few years they are easily eating something spicy enough that it would be very painful and unpleasant to the average person. The same thing happens with human sexuality when heavily exposed to porn. *For sexuality this is a novelty driven thrill. As most novelties become more and more vanilla, more elaborate ones are sought out. It is common that heterosexual males overexposed to porn will find gay porn arousing simply due to the fact that it is novel and everything else is now boring. While this is NOT very well studied, one could say it may be a novelty-seeking induced state of bisexuality from overstimulation. *

*MY ADVICE:* Ask your husband to take a break from porn and masturbation for a while. Agree to be attentive to his desires sexually via a handjob/oral while he adjusts back to normal. Instead of acting out his fantasies, just talk about them (mostly him talking to you) in a nonjudgemental way as you stimulate him. 

Slowly he will return to a similar state with his sexuality that is like he was when you first met him. Then make it a point to be more caring towards his desires for you and nurture those desires in a way that creates positive energy for your marriage.

Also ask him if he was bisexual when you first met? If he says yes, well then that is part of who he is and you will have to accept it. If he says no that it is only something he discovered recently, then it could very well be a porn induced state of bisexuality. Since he does not want to act on it, that tells me it is primarily "novelty" that he is seeking. 

Hope that helps!

Badsanta


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Didn't we have this one recently but it was the husband writing it?


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Rings a bell...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsHolland said:


> Didn't we have this one recently but it was the husband writing it?





Elizabeth001 said:


> Rings a bell...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 @MrsHolland and @Elizabeth001 if your husband wanted to push your sexual boundaries and insist that you do something that makes you uncomfortable, how would you deal with this in the context of trying to save your marriage? 

Using the OP's example, imagine your husband wants to dress in female clothing and have you use a strap on with him. He insists you should be able to do it for him. How would you react? Would you struggle with your self confidence and worry that you do not have what it takes as a woman to please your husband, OR would it be something you find repulsive and unable to find your husband attractive anymore?

While @AlouCP did not ask these things, it may be helpful for her to understand the dynamics of how others would react in their marriages.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

badsanta said:


> @MrsHolland and @Elizabeth001 if your husband wanted to push your sexual boundaries and insist that you do something that makes you uncomfortable, how would you deal with this in the context of trying to save your marriage?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




 Ok....

I think I would have been willing to try anything if he had wanted me to try anything at all! 

I'm of the mindset that tries almost anything once. If I don't like it, I draw the line but I would also be prepared to come up with something I will do 




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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Ok....
> 
> I think I would have been willing to try anything if he had wanted me to try anything at all!
> 
> ...




And want to add that I would have to achieve a deep level of comfortable intimacy to try something that I think might repulsive to me...like escargot  If I eat that sh1t, you had better know I love you!

Hahahhaaaa! True true. 


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

AlouCP said:


> I have always been LD when speaking in comparison to my husband's HD. But things have become much worse lately in that he is fed up and ready to leave. He is a good man, a great provider (we run our own business) and even does laundry and house cleaning now that I work full time running the business from our house. When we had a separate office I worked with 2 helpers now it is just me and that is okay because he gets home before I finish work and he really pitches in with household chores. As I said I have always been LD compared to him but even though I enjoy sex when we have it, no problems with lubrication or orgasm but I do not desire it enough to initiate. For some reason I have a block about initiation.I feel less feminine. Through the last 5 years or so I do not initiate and he gets angry about this. He feels his housework should free me up enough to make his sexual needs a higher priority in my life. *Part of my issue is as I've come to realize is his desires have turned into something completely different from when we first were married/dating. He has told be he feels he is bi-sexual but does not feel the need to act on that part of his life although he looks at gay erotica, wants me to use a strap on on him, would like anal foreplay (his), role play and has dressed up in women's clothing.* He thinks that our sex life is too vanilla and we need to spice it up but if I try to tell him I'm uncomfortable with this he says that as long as it is just us two in this marriage and we are consenting loving adults what we do shouldn't matter. That I should want to do these things to make him feel loved an accepted. *I'm ok with his erotica and fantasies I just cannot get turned on by them and I try to put them out of my head but I think they are blocking me from being the sexual partner he needs in regards to frequency and intimacy. *What should I do? I feel if I tell him these things are off the table I will be rejecting him for who he is. So* I've unconsciously blocked our sex life so as not to deal with this but it's making it worse. *I want to connect and be more loving and work on our sex life but I feel he is the more feminine of us (even though he is bearded and tattooed) he is thinner, in better shape (I'm taking care of myself and always make an effort to look good) better at house keeping and laundry and cooking than me. I feel he is almost perfect and I fall short. *Why can't I just overlook his "kinks" and just see the man I love?* He does not want to act with another man and wants to preserve our marriage but would like me to help him by incorporating his fantasies into our sexual reperatoire.


I don't know what you should do, but I have to be honest and admit his desires would be a big turn off to me, and I'd have a really hard time getting past it and being turned on by it. I would likely shut down as well, and wouldn't be able to over look it. To me, it would mean we were sexually incompatible and would be a deal breaker.

Is it a deal breaker for you?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

badsanta said:


> @MrsHolland and @Elizabeth001 if your husband wanted to push your sexual boundaries and insist that you do something that makes you uncomfortable, how would you deal with this in the context of trying to save your marriage?
> 
> Using the OP's example, imagine your husband wants to dress in female clothing and have you use a strap on with him. He insists you should be able to do it for him. How would you react? Would you struggle with your self confidence and worry that you do not have what it takes as a woman to please your husband, OR would it be something you find repulsive and unable to find your husband attractive anymore?
> 
> ...


Well I'm not buying into the OP but in the spirit of pure procrastination, ie avoiding the washing, I will respond to you BS.

These things should have been well and truly sorted pre marriage. Cross dressing and strap ons are things that would be pre marriage deal breakers for me. What others do is up to them but you asked so my answer is that I would not be with a man that IMHO has issues and desires that I find to be revolting. i like my men to be men, not men dressed as women. 
Now for pure entertainment I enjoy going to shows by Transvestites and cross dressers.

If I happened to have married a man that later reveals these desires i would leave him for two reasons, lying and not being the sort of man I want to have sex with.


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## AlouCP (Aug 22, 2016)

A little background. We got together at age 15 and 17 and were each other's first and only. These things came up around year 16 of our marriage and year 23 of our relationship. I have tried them all more than once and gone along with them. Once in a while if I am super turned on already I can get into it. Sometimes I just go along and some times I feel almost disgusted. I have tried on more than one occasion. But it seems now that if I say those things are off the table then I've rejected him and trashed his sex life reducing it to a pile of vanilla nothingness.


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## AlouCP (Aug 22, 2016)

Also I am very new to this site. After an argument yesterday morning I was doing some google searches on this subject and found this site and this forum. This is the first time I've heard the LD HD label but it fits. I'm not 100% sure why it seems someone isn't "buying" my story? Please explain. I am very new here and searching for some help to save my martiage and give my husband the attention he deserves while still enjoying my own sex life. We have a long history, 3 kids 20-12 and a business. I don't want to throw this away over sexual incompatibility. That is why I bothered to post what is obviously very sensitive information about ourselves.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

AlouCP said:


> I have always been LD when speaking in comparison to my husband's HD. But things have become much worse lately in that he is fed up and ready to leave. He is a good man, a great provider (we run our own business) and even does laundry and house cleaning now that I work full time running the business from our house. When we had a separate office I worked with 2 helpers now it is just me and that is okay because he gets home before I finish work and he really pitches in with household chores. As I said I have always been LD compared to him but even though I enjoy sex when we have it, no problems with lubrication or orgasm but I do not desire it enough to initiate. For some reason I have a block about initiation.I feel less feminine. Through the last 5 years or so I do not initiate and he gets angry about this. He feels his housework should free me up enough to make his sexual needs a higher priority in my life. Part of my issue is as I've come to realize is his desires have turned into something completely different from when we first were married/dating. <snip>


Forget his desires (of which you are not into) for the purposes of this reply.

First and foremost, you don't initiate, and you admit it. You have a "block" and you feel less feminine. Nobody can tell you how you can and can't feel, so to say "get over it" won't help. But... get over it.

Whatever this "block" is, my wife has it too, and has described it the same way as you have. My wife, I can safely say, has never had to initiate sex. She fully realizes and admits that. Like most women, men have always come to her. Because she's LD, she's never felt the need to "go get it", either, so she quite literally has no experience in initiating sex. Why bother when it's always come to you?

Here's the (sad) irony of this - my wife has had 3 LTR's in her life, prior to me, each lasting ~3 years. They each ended because of a sexual mismatch (among other things, of course). I'm not sure my wife quite realizes it, either, but it's fairly obvious. Two of them cheated on her, the other spent the last year or so accusing her of cheating until she couldn't take it any more. Sure, she chose poorly in terms of the men she dated, but I can tell you that her perceived lack of sexual interest in those men got that ball rolling. Not her fault that those relationships went the way they did, but all the same, there's a pattern there, and it's present in our relationship, as well.

But in each case, the guy clearly felt unwanted in that department. Two of them went out and got it elsewhere, the third made the assumption that her lack of interest in him meant SHE was getting it elsewhere.

This isn't meant to be a cautionary tale. But it is meant to show that both men and women need to be desired and wanted by their partners - especially their spouses. Nobody wants something like sex (which is supposed to be mutual and shared) to be 100% up to them to go and get - even if their partner never says no.

As far as actual initiation goes for a woman, it's unbelievably simple and basic. There doesn't need to be a whole production (lingerie, seductive eyes, whatever). It's as simple as snuggling up to him on the couch (or bed) and rubbing his thighs then making your way up to his junk and unzipping his pants. The rest is obvious.

There's nothing awkward about that, and it's very very welcome by us guys. So simple.


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## AlouCP (Aug 22, 2016)

Thank you. That actually kind of lit a light bulb. Just do it. Kind if what I was thinking last night. I was making some notes on all of this. I think maybe if I initiate more he'll feel more loved and if we have more sex the need to do more wild and crazy may subside. It's convenient for me to make it all about that when maybe that is just a symptom and not THE problem?


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## AlouCP (Aug 22, 2016)

I think also too I need to actually prioritize and make up a schedule to be sure I initiate more often. My husband says too the initiating doesn't need to be elaborate but it seems artificial to me like I'm acting. Because I'm usually not "horny" although I do get turned on once things start up. But maybe that's ok. Fake it til you make it? As far as initiating is concerned of course.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

AlouCP said:


> I think also too I need to actually prioritize and make up a schedule to be sure I initiate more often. My husband says too the initiating doesn't need to be elaborate but it seems artificial to me like I'm acting. Because I'm usually not "horny" although I do get turned on once things start up. But maybe that's ok. *Fake it til you make it?* As far as initiating is concerned of course.


Worked for me.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

AlouCP said:


> I'm usually not "horny" although I do get turned on once things start up.


This is perfectly OK and very common. It is called responsive desire. You do not spontaneously desire sex "out of the blue", but you enjoy sex once your partner initiates. Since you seem to like gathering information, look into that concept.

People with responsive desire rarely feel the urge to initiate sex. But you need to get over the idea that it is somehow bad or wrong to initiate sex unless you are "horny" first. it is OK (and your H will likely think it is great and wonderful and welcome) for you to initiate because you feel like doing something nice for your H, and to allow the horny feelings to arise after you have already started.

You aren't "faking" anything. Don't say you are horny if you aren't. Just say you want to show your H how much you appreciate being his wife. And you want to show him in a way you think he will appreciate. Nothing false about that.

Wishing you good luck with your explorations.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

This site gets a substantial number of trolls and your situation was similar to one posted by a known troll some time ago. Personally I don't worry about trolls - if the questions are interesting I'll try to answer. 

There really are two issues, the LD/HD and that your husband is a lot kinkier than you are. 

Part of this can be solved by your just initiating. Just do it, and when you do, ask for what *you* want. He has told you his sexual interests, so tell him yours. His fetishes seem somewhat submissive so he might really enjoy being told what you like.

As far as his fetishes, think about what you are, and are not comfortable doing, then tell him. Think about things that you wouldn't mind doing that might substitute for things he wants that you don't want to do.







AlouCP said:


> Also I am very new to this site. After an argument yesterday morning I was doing some google searches on this subject and found this site and this forum. This is the first time I've heard the LD HD label but it fits. I'm not 100% sure why it seems someone isn't "buying" my story? Please explain. I am very new here and searching for some help to save my martiage and give my husband the attention he deserves while still enjoying my own sex life. We have a long history, 3 kids 20-12 and a business. I don't want to throw this away over sexual incompatibility. That is why I bothered to post what is obviously very sensitive information about ourselves.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AlouCP said:


> A little background. We got together at age 15 and 17 and were each other's first and only. These things came up around year 16 of our marriage and year 23 of our relationship. I have tried them all more than once and gone along with them. Once in a while if I am super turned on already I can get into it. Sometimes I just go along and some times I feel almost disgusted. I have tried on more than one occasion. But it seems now that if I say those things are off the table then I've rejected him and trashed his sex life reducing it to a pile of vanilla nothingness.


I think that Bad Santa nailed it in that your rejection of him has pushed him to porn. Most men need to feel sexually connected to their wives. Sometimes, if there is no sex men will try to figure out how to turn "non-sex" into sexual stimulation. There are lots of professional dominatrix out there that get paid lots of money for doing kinky things to men that don't involve either male orgasm or touching the male genitals (spanking, whipping, humiliation, bondage, forced cross-dressing, etc.). 

If he doesn't feel he can be sexually loved by a woman, then yes I can understand why he might start having "kinky" thoughts.

If he has only had sex with you and he only wants to have sex with you, no matter what it is, he is not bisexual. He wants to have sex with you.

He is being extremely open and vulnerable to you. If he can't express his sexuality to you, his wife, who can he express it to (a dominatrix, an escort/prostitute)? Has he been emotionally crushed by your response to the point he will never open up to you again? Who knows. Do you really want him to keep parts of his sexuality a secret from you? Would you really rather not know?

David Schnarch says that marriage if done right is extremely hard work. This is because over time people grow and change, but a marriage is about two people who as they change are constantly pulling and pushing each other so they can emotionally remain close. Marriage isn't easy, it takes lots of hard work and compromise, especially in the area of sex.

I think that the two of you should work with a really good Sex Therapist to repair/rebuild your marriage.

Good luck.

P.S. It is fine for you to have boundaries on things you will not do with your body, but your post indicates some of these things he wants are not absolute boundaries as you have done them before. In you therapy sessions you might explore what you boundaries really are.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

AlouCP said:


> I think also too I need to actually prioritize and make up a schedule to be sure I initiate more often. My husband says too the initiating doesn't need to be elaborate but it seems artificial to me like I'm acting. Because I'm usually not "horny" although I do get turned on once things start up. But maybe that's ok. Fake it til you make it? As far as initiating is concerned of course.


You're over-thinking it, IMO.

The problem lies in the fact that you're consciously NOT horny when you've tried to initiate in the past, therefore everything you do at that point feels unnatural or forced. It's something you have to think about, prior to doing.

I can suggest maybe trying to get yourself in the mood first, then initiating, therefore the "artificial" part is done and over with prior to going to your husband. For those that are responsive desire, often the only thing that gets one in the mood, so to speak, is actual sexual contact. Maybe make a plan to initiate sex with your husband, and right before you do, duck away to the bedroom (or bathroom, or wherever) and masturbate. Not necessarily to orgasm, but at least enough to get yourself going.

If you're not comfortable doing that, then my previous suggestion stands - just touch him. Yes, there. Again, men don't require an elaborate production as far as initiation goes. You don't have to talk to him while you do this, and believe me, you won't have to worry what he's thinking. Any feelings of awkwardness will all be inside your head.

One of the previous replies hit on something that I agree with, and that's that your husband seems like he may be a little on the submissive side (which is not abnormal, by the way). The thing is, if he leaned more towards the dominant side, your sex life would likely be much easier, as you're not a 'go-getter' either. I have the same issue in my marriage (again, my wife is a lot like you when it comes to this). If I were more dominant, sexually, there wouldn't be nearly as much of an issue and same goes for your husband. While I don't mind initiating, it does get tiresome once in a while, and it would be preferable to feel desired every now and again and not have to do all the work.

When one partner is responsive desire, it's preferable that the other be sexually dominant (ie. a 'go-getter'), but that likely doesn't happen all that often, and that doesn't seem to be the dynamic in your marriage, either. Your husband, like me, is relegated to initiating 99% of the time, which usually results in sex, but at the cost of really never feeling desired by his partner.

Sex isn't just about saying "yes", or never saying "no". That doesn't indicate desire, and that's a trap many women fall into. Sex also isn't just about the act itself - and that's something so many people of either gender often forget or just never see. Which is why responsive desire is so difficult to live with. If you're anything like my wife (the stereotypical responsive desire partner), there's no sexuality outside of the actual act. There's no playful sexual flirting, touching, dialogue, hinting, teasing, etc. There's no build-up or tension. It's either sex or no sex, with no in-between.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

AlouCP said:


> Thank you. That actually kind of lit a light bulb. Just do it. Kind if what I was thinking last night. I was making some notes on all of this. I think maybe if I initiate more he'll feel more loved and if we have more sex the need to do more wild and crazy may subside. It's convenient for me to make it all about that when maybe that is just a symptom and not THE problem?


Wanting kinky sex, wanting more sex, and wanting partner initiation aren't mutually exclusive or mutually inclusive. It's entirely possible your DH wants/needs all three. 

For some people, kink is just something fun to do, a way to add spice or satisfy curiosity. For others, kink is mental/emotional need. For example, a submissive person my only feel secure, safe, accepted, and able to relax when being sexually dominated.

Many men, of all sexual orientations, enjoy anal stimulation. Tons of nerves there, prostate stimulation makes very intense orgasms, etc.

Even if you initiate more often, he may still want you to peg him because he enjoys the sensation and the submission of the act makes him feel accepted and secure in a way that nothing else can.


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