# In the throes of despair



## R-CLE (Jun 15, 2018)

My wife told me she wanted a divorce about 6 months ago after 7 years of marriage. We just finalized (court) our divorce yesterday and she is moving out in 2 weeks (into our other house, I mention this because I don't it to sound like I am kicking her out). Anyway, I have been very depressed about it since she told me, but as of yesterday, a gripping panic and despair has set in, to the point where I have trouble breathing. I don't have any family to lean on; I do have some great friends but they have their own lives. I am guessing when she moves out and I am truly alone, that a new level of despair will set in.

I would really appreciate some advice on coping techniques from people who have been through it.

Thank You.


----------



## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

Try to keep yourself busy physically and mentally. Work, exercise, hobbies....anything to keep your mind and body active. I found walking helps me quite a bit as I struggle with grief of my wife leaving after 29 years of marriage (31 years together) in Feb. Do not feel ashamed or guilty about crying. Let it out. This is normal so don't get caught up in the macho bs. I do suggest looking for divorce/separation groups in your area. I live in a small town so I cant get help there.
Work on yourself. Take care of YOU. In doing so this will help you deal with the situation. One thing I discovered through these past few months. I put my wife, kids, business....everything ahead of my needs. I lost myself in my marriage and now I am struggling to rediscover myself.


----------



## R-CLE (Jun 15, 2018)

Thank you for the frankness. I honestly dont feel very very motivated to take care or improve myself. Right now I am just trying to keep the lights on.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What do you think was the cause of her wanting a divorce?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

R-CLE said:


> My wife told me she wanted a divorce about 6 months ago after 7 years of marriage. We just finalized (court) our divorce yesterday and she is moving out in 2 weeks (into our other house, I mention this because I don't it to sound like I am kicking her out). Anyway, I have been very depressed about it since she told me, but as of yesterday, a gripping panic and despair has set in, to the point where I have trouble breathing. I don't have any family to lean on; I do have some great friends but they have their own lives. I am guessing when she moves out and I am truly alone, that a new level of despair will set in.
> 
> I would really appreciate some advice on coping techniques from people who have been through it.
> 
> Thank You.


One person even your wife doesn't make your life. You are alive right? You can make friends right? Find stuff you are passionate about things you always thought were fun and do those things, preferably in groups. You can do that right? It's hard yes, but your life is not over. You just need to give yourself some time and have some hope. Your life is not over.

Also consider getting something to help you for a short time if you are really depressed. But just for a short time. Look at this like war, you need to be courageous.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Do a hard 180 no contact. Time will fix the rest. 

Her boyfriend will probably surface shortly anyway so you need to be far away from that.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

R-CLE this may not seem important but I think it would help us if you could give us some background on the marriage itself what led to her wanting a divorce and how things went during the process. Keep posting and get is some context so we can figure out to help you tackle this!


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

Hey R-CLE...here's some info I hope may help you out...

I've been in your shoes...so, here is what helped me...first, #1 RULE - Take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others until you are right in the mind, body and soul...Now, onto what helped me lets start w/ the mind...First, make a takecareofme list...you remember those honeydo lists right, time to flip the script and create the takecareofme lists...this list should contain at least 5-10 things you want to accomplish tomorrow...from getting a hair cut to doing grocery shopping - making dinner...make a list...it helped my mind stay focused and at the end of it I felt good about myself by accomplishing all that was on the list, next, make another list...its two fold,, you think of things you want to get done (takes the mind off the BS) and feeds your self esteem when you complete it...lists...lists...lists...next, IMHO (I was NEVER into these type of apps) get the app MINDSPACE, its a meditation app...10 first sessions are free, at least give it a try..it helped me maybe it will help you too...read, I will cover more on this when we get to the soul, but maybe a self help book...anything that makes you become a better person by learning from this experience...next, the body...exercise my man!!!...start simple, 30 jumping jacks 30 pushups 30 situps...three sets of these, than walk/run 1.5 miles...every Monday, WEdnesday and Friday...after 30 - 45 days you will feel...and look better than you have in a while...next the soul...remember I said we would talk about this during the mind piece, pick up the Bible and start reading...may I suggest Proverbs or Psalms to start with...followed up by going to church or therapy/counseling...these are the things that helped me get my mind, body and soul straight...now one thing you hasnt come up yet but will are the DREADED TRIGGERS...these are acts, words coming from you wife that will just send your mind into oblivion...may I suggest a complete 180...do not text, phone call or email anything person about you to your wife...keep is all business...she wanted to part ways, cya!!!...do NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE...again, she wanted to part...part her a$$ outside and tell her to go find a place...she wants space, GIVE IT TO HER IN SPADES...I wish I did this sooner but I had to go thru holy hell or aka LIMBO (hope of reconciliation) to figure this out...talk to your kids and convey to them what is going on...try to keep a stiff upper lip, it will be hard but express to them what is going on so they know...emotions are a ****** to deal with...so, be prepared for good days and bad days...if its too much go to the doctor and get some anxiety meds to help you thru this...the docs will understand what you are going thru...DO NOT TELL EVERYONE...only tell a select or ONE FRIEND...all the BS that comes from the friends may hurt, its not meant to but they dont understand how your FEEL and will expect you to go alpha male on the wife...DONT...remain respectful to your ex and EXPECT the same from her...set boundaries, I told my STBXW that I will not be taking any calls or texts while I am at work from her...dont need the added stress when I am at work...stick to those boundaries....wish I did...Oh, and let work know what is going on...tell your manager so they can help or at least understand what you are going thru and you may need some time off to take care of this business...KEEP THE FAITH and con't to come back here so we can support you as you go thru this...some great peeps on this board and they have helped me out soooo much....DO NOT TELL THE WIFE ABOUT THIS BOARD....and when the time arises...get an attorney...if you feel reconciliation is off the table...hope this helps and remember, you ARE NOT ALONE!!!...


----------



## irish925 (May 3, 2018)

The above was pulled from another thread...see R-CLE...you ARE NOT ALONE...lean on the board members here...lets us know if you are having a bad day..and definitely let us know if you are having a good day...


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

R-Cle,

You have hit rock bottom, and that is because you invested your hope and time into your wife. When a spouse abandons and betrays you with divorce, it is the ultimate rug-pulled-from-under-you moment. A divorce can break a person into a 1000 pieces. It's devastating. 

The good news is this too shall pass. 

When I was going through it, I dropped 40 pounds almost over night. I fell into a deep despair, and I had many moments where I became emotionally overwhelmed. My daughters saw a lot of this. Here is how I made it through:

1) Exercise. I chose running as my medicine. Every time my feet pounded the pavement I was taking my aggression out on my divorce and my wife's infidelity. The endorphin high after each run was gigantic source of serenity and peace. A natural and healthy high. Any form of exercise is good. Consider joining a gym and taking classes there. 

2) I went to Mass every Sunday. I didn't blame God for what happened to me. Instead, I found comfort in Him.

3) I took care of my daughters. They became priority #1 for me. I don't know if you have children. If you don't, maybe you can adopt a pet. Find a source that you can healthily nurture and love. 

4) I commiserated with friends and family. I didn't talk about it much because its a topic few want to discuss or are comfortable talking about. But just being around friends and family helped. Since you don't have a lot of family around, you might want to find a support group. I joined Divorce Care at my church. I highly recommend this program. At Divorce Care meetings, there will be a group of other people going through what you are going through and who understand your pain and suffering. The program gives you the insight to understand the grief you are experiencing and the tools you need to cope. 

5) Treat yourself to fun things. As soon as the initial blow subsides and you have had time to appropriately mourn this loss, carve out time to do things you enjoy. I used to dine at my favorite restaurant every other Friday. It got expensive, but you're eating for one so it's not that bad. Just being there cheered me up every Friday night. This is a good time to engage in hobbies you enjoy or doing house projects that are constructive and beautify or organize your living space. Anything constructive combats depression and hopelessness.

6) If you're going through hell, keep going. Don't stop. Don't dwell on things. The minute you feel yourself giving into the depression or self-pity, fight back. Discipline your mind not to focus on your ex-wife or to feel sorry for yourself. Most importantly, don't self-medicate. This means don't drink or take drugs to make yourself feel better. Don't get into a promiscuous lifestyle either. These things would be the equivalent of 1 step forward and 4 steps back. You will just be digging a deeper hole for yourself and adding to your misery.

Once again, this too shall pass. But you can't skip any of the 5 steps of grief. It's a process and IT TAKES TIME, but you will get through it if you have faith and perseverance. Best of luck to you, and I'm sorry you're going through this.


----------

