# issue with ex and gf?



## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I had a relationship last fall that lasted 3 months with a friend. Before that, he and I were just friends. We've been best friends since 9. I loved him and I thought it was in a way more than just friends. But then I realized it wasn't just that we're very close. Because such an intimate relationship didn't feel so right to me. He fell for a girl and we mutually broke up. We're still friends really close friends. But nothing more and I would never change that about our relationship. I'm happy with the way things are. Well, I am now in a relationship with my gf who's a friend of mine for 5 years now. I fell in love with her way back when I was 15 when we first met, but she was in a relationship with another guy. She's always been my dream wife our relationship was always more intimate emotionally at the start. There's no person I've ever had stronger feelings for. She's everything a woman should be. And she and I are like the yin and yang a harmonious balance. I was jealous of her boyfriend at first. I so badly wanted to be in his position. Then when she broke up with him. Our relationship became like friend with benefits. But she never wanted a relationship with me. I always did. Sometimes it strained the relationship I felt used. But things worked out after a while. Finally this spring she agreed to go on a date which has progressed into a relationship over 2 months. She knows about my ex. She really seems more insecure about the relationship even though she knows we were friends before the ordeal. We hang out together like before. She always complains about it like it's her or him. But it's not like I'm having an affair or anything but she almost asserts that I am sleeping with him when I haven't and have no desire to. Like complains about stuff like that I look or overall act in a way guys don't act with their friend. She also knows I am neighbors with my most recent ex. But she doesn't seem to mind even though of course I have some type of relationship with her. But I think she takes that closeness and special relationship we have with each other. But it doesn't mean I want to be with him. If I did, I'd be with him. He and his girl broke up. So it's not really anything holding me back if I felt that I wasn't into her and liked him I would just be honest. I've never cheated on anyone I've been with unless I was in an open relationship. If I'm not satisfied, I'm honest about it. She knows this. I've for the last 5 years shared pretty much everything about that part of my life as she has as well. So she knows I'm not like that. But now she's become a lot more possessive and paranoid that I might be into someone else besides her. But in a way I do feel flattered by it. That's all I've ever wanted from her in a way. But I just don't know what to do about the tension between my gf and best friend. I could never get rid of my relationship with my friend. He's like my rock and has got me through the toughest times and we mirror each other in personality. I could never do without him in my life as a friend. I don't want to lose her. I've spent 5 years longing for her to be mine. She's everything I ever wanted in a lover. Advice? How can I fix this between my gf and best friend? How can I assure her I only have feelings for her?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Can you clarify for me, you had a gay relationship with your male friend. Is that right?

Sorry, I'm just a bit confused...ta


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Can you clarify for me, you had a gay relationship with your male friend. Is that right?
> 
> Sorry, I'm just a bit confused...ta


I'm not gay. I'm bisexual. I had an intimate relationship with my friend who is a guy yes.

I'm openly bisexual. My gf is bisexual. It's no surprise to her. She knows all about my past bfs and gfs. Actually I was considered gay when we first met socially at school and such. So it's nothing to do with my sexuality.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Its tough being bi. No advice sorry. Just need to gain gf trust and that can be hard


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Cleigh said:


> Its tough being bi. No advice sorry. Just need to gain gf trust and that can be hard


I wouldn't change it for the world. I couldn't imagine myself straight tbh.

I don't really know how much more to prove to her that I only desire to be with her. She knows how much I've only had feelings for her and only her. But thanks for your thoughts.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Ok thanks...I just wanted to be sure I understood correctly - which I did 

Do you still have contact with this ex? If so, there's your problem. Not many people are comfortable with their partner having regular contact with an ex.

I know he's your best friend, but your partner is your partner - you might need to step back a bit from the friendship, and at the very least, not see your ex on your own, without your girlfriend.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm going to put it to you this way:

That boyfriend of hers that you were jealous of, how would you feel if she was "best friends" with him and told you what you said here:



options20 said:


> I could never get rid of my relationship with my friend. He's like my rock and has got me through the toughest times and we mirror each other in personality. I could never do without him in my life as a friend.


Because that is what this comes down to. Answer that question sincerely and honestly.

How would you FEEL if she was still bff's with her ex boyfriend. Cause that is exactly the situation going on here.

Some folks can make this work. They have to be on the same page. It sounds like you're not. Which means there is a fundamental difference in how you view remaining so close with ex lovers while in a current relationship. So something will have to give. But essentially, you're not on the same page.

I dated a guy who was best friends forever with his ex girlfriend/first love of many years. I could not do it. It is the main reason we ended things. Some may be able to do that but personally I'm not interested in being in a relationship with someone where we don't have the same viewpoint on ex lovers. Also, he spent so much time with the ex girlfriend and talking about her and fawning allover her. He told me he'd had other relationships end because the people he dated were not into how close he was with his ex. And I thought, "You don't say." No, thanks. Not for me.

Fundamental difference,. A BIG one, I'd say.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

options20 said:


> I don't really know how much more to prove to her that I only desire to be with her. She knows how much I've only had feelings for her and only her. But thanks for your thoughts.


You may not be able to. In which case, it's better sticking a fork in this relationship. This simply comes down to you having different views on how to deal with ex lovers and having different boundaries, etc.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You need to break things off with your "ex". 

Would you date your current girl if she had a relationship with her ex? 

It's inappropriate and disrespectful to do so.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This is way too much drama for only 2 months into a relationship, I might ad. This is supposed to be the most flowery, sugary part of the relationship and you guys are having it marred by a major different idea on boundaries, etc with ex-lovers. I can't imagine anything worse for the start of a relationship.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Ok thanks...I just wanted to be sure I understood correctly - which I did
> 
> Do you still have contact with this ex? If so, there's your problem. Not many people are comfortable with their partner having regular contact with an ex.
> 
> I know he's your best friend, but your partner is your partner - you might need to step back a bit from the friendship, and at the very least, not see your ex on your own, without your girlfriend.


Yeah I do because we decided to still be friends just nothing more.

yeah that's what I was thinking I should have her with me when we hang out. If that's ok with her.

I don't want to really lose either of tem in my life. I'd be pretty depressed either way.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

options20 said:


> Yeah I do because we decided to still be friends just nothing more.
> 
> yeah that's what I was thinking I should have her with me when we hang out. If that's ok with her.
> 
> I don't want to really lose either of tem in my life. I'd be pretty depressed either way.


Chances are high that you will lose them both if you keep it up.


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## KeepingUpAppearances (Jul 14, 2013)

How much time was there between the ending of the one relationship and the beginning with your current GF?


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

options20 said:


> I had a relationship last fall that lasted 3 months with a friend. Before that, he and I were just friends. We've been best friends since 9. I loved him and I thought it was in a way more than just friends. But then I realized it wasn't just that we're very close. Because such an intimate relationship didn't feel so right to me. He fell for a girl and we mutually broke up. We're still friends really close friends. But nothing more and I would never change that about our relationship. I'm happy with the way things are. Well, I am now in a relationship with my gf who's a friend of mine for 5 years now. I fell in love with her way back when I was 15 when we first met, but she was in a relationship with another guy. She's always been my dream wife our relationship was always more intimate emotionally at the start. There's no person I've ever had stronger feelings for. She's everything a woman should be. And she and I are like the yin and yang a harmonious balance. I was jealous of her boyfriend at first. I so badly wanted to be in his position. Then when she broke up with him. Our relationship became like friend with benefits. But she never wanted a relationship with me. I always did. Sometimes it strained the relationship I felt used. But things worked out after a while. Finally this spring she agreed to go on a date which has progressed into a relationship over 2 months. She knows about my ex. She really seems more insecure about the relationship even though she knows we were friends before the ordeal. We hang out together like before. She always complains about it like it's her or him. But it's not like I'm having an affair or anything but she almost asserts that I am sleeping with him when I haven't and have no desire to. Like complains about stuff like that I look or overall act in a way guys don't act with their friend. She also knows I am neighbors with my most recent ex. But she doesn't seem to mind even though of course I have some type of relationship with her. But I think she takes that closeness and special relationship we have with each other. But it doesn't mean I want to be with him. If I did, I'd be with him. He and his girl broke up. So it's not really anything holding me back if I felt that I wasn't into her and liked him I would just be honest. I've never cheated on anyone I've been with unless I was in an open relationship. If I'm not satisfied, I'm honest about it. She knows this. I've for the last 5 years shared pretty much everything about that part of my life as she has as well. So she knows I'm not like that. But now she's become a lot more possessive and paranoid that I might be into someone else besides her. But in a way I do feel flattered by it. That's all I've ever wanted from her in a way. But I just don't know what to do about the tension between my gf and best friend. I could never get rid of my relationship with my friend. *He's like my rock and has got me through the toughest times and we mirror each other in personality. I could never do without him in my life as a friend. I don't want to lose her.* I've spent 5 years longing for her to be mine. She's everything I ever wanted in a lover. Advice? How can I fix this between my gf and best friend? How can I assure her I only have feelings for her?


The part in bold is why your gf feels threatened. And when you speak about an ex-lover like that, it really leaves no room for whoever you're in a relationship with.

Your partner should be your rock.

It sounds like you need to honestly think about things and make a choice because she probably will not tolerate having a third person in your relationship. You might not see it that way, but there are three people in the relationship right now.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I would be a little unsure about it being that they were together for 3 years and before that weren't friends. So the nature of their relationship was at first as a relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend. Mine with my friend was always more friends.




Jellybeans said:


> I'm going to put it to you this way:
> 
> That boyfriend of hers that you were jealous of, how would you feel if she was "best friends" with him and told you what you said here:
> 
> ...


I'm usually not this close to exes. I'm just close to him because I was beforehand. I never loved him like a real bf more I think our love is like brothers but there was just confusion at one time. She knows this as I told her during the time I was dating him I was realizing I could never love him as a partner. I have no desire nor do I miss the days I dated him. I wish actually that I never dated him to begin with then I wouldn't have this dilemma now.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

KeepingUpAppearances said:


> How much time was there between the ending of the one relationship and the beginning with your current GF?


a little less than 6 months.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

OP,

does your ex boyfriend still have feelings for you?

Don't know if you mentioned that.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

MoonBay said:


> The part in bold is why your gf feels threatened. And when you speak about an ex-lover like that, it really leaves no room for whoever you're in a relationship with.
> 
> Your partner should be your rock.
> 
> It sounds like you need to honestly think about things and make a choice because she probably will not tolerate having a third person in your relationship. You might not see it that way, but there are three people in the relationship right now.


well she is but in a different way.

She knows me in a different that way. I love her with all my heart. I don't want anything to do with him other than how things used to be with him. I've talked to her about it and we've agreed that she'd be included to help her feel less uneasy about everything.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

MoonBay said:


> OP,
> 
> does your ex boyfriend still have feelings for you?
> 
> Don't know if you mentioned that.


No he fell for someone else and I didn't really feel right about our relationship.

We mutually agreed on staying in the friendzone of things.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

A few ways of looking at this problem:

As someone who loves you she should want you to be happy and therefore make an effort to get beyond her feelings of jealousy of your best friend. On the other side of it, once you get into a relationship that is the 'one', when you find that person you will be with forever, you know they are that person when you know that if you were to lose everyone in your life bar one person, that they would be the person you chose (barring your children).

I think if she felt she was that person for you, she could probably get past this, however, deep down she probably feels that if push came to shove, you'd shove her and keep him. If this is the reality of it, then you don't feel the sort of love for her that would make her the person you'd plan to grow old with, and if that's the case, then all the effort spent worrying over this problem may be pointless because she'll never feel secure enough to get over it.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

I feel like she's the one though. I tell her that everyday if I had to chose between never seeing him or her breaking up I'd never see him again. I only have love for her she's the most important person in my life. She knows how I feel about her.



breeze said:


> A few ways of looking at this problem:
> 
> As someone who loves you she should want you to be happy and therefore make an effort to get beyond her feelings of jealousy of your best friend. On the other side of it, once you get into a relationship that is the 'one', when you find that person you will be with forever, you know they are that person when you know that if you were to lose everyone in your life bar one person, that they would be the person you chose (barring your children).
> 
> I think if she felt she was that person for you, she could probably get past this, however, deep down she probably feels that if push came to shove, you'd shove her and keep him. If this is the reality of it, then you don't feel the sort of love for her that would make her the person you'd plan to grow old with, and if that's the case, then all the effort spent worrying over this problem may be pointless because she'll never feel secure enough to get over it.


I just have to keep reassuring her that she's the only one I felt was this special and perfect for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You never answered how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot...so...how would you feel if the situations were flipped?


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You never answered how you'd feel if the shoe were on the other foot...so...how would you feel if the situations were flipped?


If she was friends with him beforehand and the nature of the relationship was naturally a friendship I would have no issue with it. I already said I would feel a bit uncomfortable if it was how her relationship was which was only an intimate bf/gf relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You did have an intimate relationship with your ex though, and a romantic one, too.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

options20 said:


> I would be a little unsure about it being that they were together for 3 years and before that weren't friends. So the nature of their relationship was at first as a relationship as girlfriend and boyfriend. Mine with my friend was always more friends.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And what your GF hears is "Blah blah..we were intimate. We were together. We're very close...like "brothers"."

The problem you're having is you're looking at this from YOUR perspective. All your GF knows is what you tell her, which she's obviously suspicious of in regards to your ex. YOU know the nuances of your relationship with the ex, but your GF never could.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> You did have an intimate relationship with your ex though, and a romantic one, too.


uh yeah but during the time I told her I didn't feel all that genuine or natural about it. I think the problem may be solving itself if she's included she'll know I have nothing I'm hiding from her hopefully. Just have to wait and see now.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Dad&Hubby said:


> And what your GF hears is "Blah blah..we were intimate. We were together. We're very close...like "brothers"."
> 
> The problem you're having is you're looking at this from YOUR perspective. All your GF knows is what you tell her, which she's obviously suspicious of in regards to your ex. YOU know the nuances of your relationship with the ex, but your GF never could.


When we were in a relationship she practically knew everything though because we tended to talk about our relationships.

It's obvious though despite the fact that I've been honest all along and told her pretty much everything I'm still not fully trusted.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

options20 said:


> If she was friends with him beforehand and the nature of the relationship was naturally a friendship I would have no issue with it. I already said I would feel a bit uncomfortable if it was how her relationship was which was only an intimate bf/gf relationship.


 You are looking at things only from your point of view, and you are making up the rules as you go along such that they specifically fit your need to keep your ex in your life while excluding her ex. She is right to resist this.

Your best friend became your lover last Fall, but I am sure that before that Fall you assured past lovers that, even though you were bi, they had nothing to fear about your realtionship with your best friend because you could never look at him in a sexual way as he was like a brother to you. I am guessing that back then, when you were just friends with your current girlfriend, that you told your current girlfriend the same thing . In fact when you were telling your current girlfriend this, she was telling her then boyfriend and now ex that he had nothing to fear with her friendship with you, as she did not look at you in a romantic way like that. Well guess what, none of those assurances proved true, as situations and feelings changed. Similarly none of that assurance that you are giving your current girlfriend are true as no one can predict or control how they will feel.

Like most couples my wife and I have rules against being friends with an ex, because once you have dropped a boundary with someone, that boundary is never as strong as before. 
.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This just boils down to how folks feel about their partner staying in such close proximity/intimacy with an ex lover.

You seem to have different views on this which is not good.

Like I said, some people don't mind at all. It's prob best you find one of those to date cause it sounds like she does and this is going to cause massive problems between you, I bet. It will be the black cloud over your relationship.

Unless she all of a sudden is cool with it...

I personally feel as she does. That dynamic does not work for me at all so I just don't date guys who are still besties with their ex lovers. No, thanks.


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

you're right about that but one constant thing I've expressed is a desire to be one with her. She always knew I was very inlove with her especially when we were 18 and she broke up with her ex.

You're right though that people change, you have a point.



TRy said:


> You are looking at things only from your point of view, and you are making up the rules as you go along such that they specifically fit your need to keep your ex in your life while excluding her ex. She is right to resist this.
> 
> Your best friend became your lover last Fall, but I am sure that before that Fall you assured past lovers that, even though you were bi, they had nothing to fear about your realtionship with your best friend because you could never look at him in a sexual way as he was like a brother to you. I am guessing that back then, when you were just friends with your current girlfriend, that you told your current girlfriend the same thing . In fact when you were telling your current girlfriend this, she was telling her then boyfriend and now ex that he had nothing to fear with her friendship with you, as she did not look at you in a romantic way like that. Well guess what, none of those assurances proved true, as situations and feelings changed. Similarly none of that assurance that you are giving your current girlfriend are true as no one can predict or control how they will feel.
> 
> ...


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## options20 (May 20, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> This just boils down to how folks feel about their partner staying in such close proximity/intimacy with an ex lover.
> 
> You seem to have different views on this which is not good.
> 
> ...



I guess I have to change then if she doesn't.


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