# I've never posted something like this...



## arlington wife (Sep 8, 2009)

.... but I don't know where to turn. I've been married for almost 15 years. We've had sex once in the last 3 years; we have no intimacy, emotional or physical, in or out of the bedroom. We're both healthy and active. I've seen three different therapists, who gave me three different kinds of advice: learn to accept the way things are, leave him, and teach him how to be more intimate. I've tried to teach him, and I've tried to accept things. I've told him how unhappy the current state of our marriage makes me, but he has no reply. He refuses to go to marriage counseling or to change his behavior in the marriage in any way, and he won't tell me what I can do, other than accept him and our marriage as is.

I'm lonely and sad and angry--but if I leave this marriage, I'll lose some or perhaps all of the other things in my life that do make me happy. 

Any thoughts are welcome.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What could you possibly lose simply by leaving the marriage? I don't get it. I'm separated and loving it. Nothing but material things are left behind, and those are not worth staying for, IMO. You will still be "you." Maybe you could explain more?


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## akshay (Sep 4, 2009)

i agree...change. it is tough...but you have one life. do you have kids? if no, then its easier to make the change. will your parents help out initially?


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## mynameis (Sep 8, 2009)

awww hugs. 
I feel similar  after 8 years I too am near that breaking point, it is totally unbearable to feel so lonely like you are single but tied down. You deserve intimacy and love, adoration, we all do! 

I hope you decide whats best for you or your dh accepts your needs and begins change. 
I don't think many men see the need for change until their life is uncomfortable (ie: wife finally leaves) and by then, we already moved on so they are sol.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Have you read The Five Love Languages? If not I highly recommend it. You can't change him but you can influence him with your actions. Don't give up, I am seperated and it sucks! Best of Luck to you


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## Treadingcarefully (Sep 1, 2009)

arlington wife said:


> I've told him how unhappy the current state of our marriage makes me, but he has no reply. He refuses to go to marriage counseling or to change his behavior in the marriage in any way, and he won't tell me what I can do, other than accept him and our marriage as is.
> I'm lonely and sad and angry--but if I leave this marriage, I'll lose some or perhaps all of the other things in my life that do make me happy.
> Any thoughts are welcome.


Wow. He has a deep problem there (and obviously that became a problem for both of you). Before you bail, you should maybe try one more thing. A lot of men don't like the idea of counselling... it has a lot of hang ups attached to it... but they can open up a bit to another man or buddy. Maybe they won't tell him everything, but they will gripe enough that sometimes, a buddy, brother or father might know his mind a bit better than you do, if he has shut you off. (assuming that he has a healthy relationship with the buddy, brother... in my case it would depend which brother you ask ) 
Even if your relationship is going to end, he has to understand that he cannot go through life being so closed off, and being bitter. It will eat him up. Does he have any close friends? I mean, don't tell them all the details, and don't make it sound like nagging or snooping, but maybe if you just said 'Hey, Chuck, is everything okay with Bob? I'm worried about him' you might get something. There is a limit to how much you can endure, but hopefully there is someone else who can give you an insight so that at least you might understand what is going on with him.


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## arlington wife (Sep 8, 2009)

I truly appreciate all the supportive thoughts and ideas. For the person who asked, here are the complications:

I have a time-consuming, low-paying, low-job-security career that I love--but if I lose my husband's (larger) income, I'll likely be unable to continue living in the same city or, maybe, even working at the same job. I'll lose my home and my financial security--no small thing for someone who's almost 50. 

No children, which is good, but I also question whether I'll be less lonely as a single woman than I am as a married woman.

And this is my third marriage, so I also question my judgment: Are things really that bad, or am I just seeing them that way, as I've seen them that way in previous relationships?

I don't think he will change. He has no real friends, other than his brother, who is very much like him emotionally--and who is also in a sexless, long-term relationship. (And that, ironically, adds to my dilemma: I'll feel terribly guilty leaving him because he really will be alone.)

It's bleak, I know; I wish I could find a way to be happy with the status quo....


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

arlington wife said:


> I don't think he will change. He has no real friends, other than his brother, who is very much like him emotionally--and who is also in a sexless, long-term relationship. (And that, ironically, adds to my dilemma: I'll feel terribly guilty leaving him because he really will be alone.)
> 
> It's bleak, I know; I wish I could find a way to be happy with the status quo....


If he will not change then your future with him will be as it is now.

Is the material comforts worth it?

You made a point abot not being able to continue the low-paying career that you love if you have to part from him.

Well, maybe it is time to reassess your love for this career. If it really doesn't pay your bills then itis more of a hobby. Try to upgrade in that area so you won't feel so trapped.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ok, tough question here: is there any common threads from your previous marriages and this one?? Could there possibly be something you don't see that causes this intimacy disconnect??


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

arlington wife said:


> .... but I don't know where to turn. I've been married for almost 15 years. We've had sex once in the last 3 years; we have no intimacy, emotional or physical, in or out of the bedroom. We're both healthy and active. I've seen three different therapists, who gave me three different kinds of advice: learn to accept the way things are, leave him, and teach him how to be more intimate. I've tried to teach him, and I've tried to accept things. I've told him how unhappy the current state of our marriage makes me, but he has no reply. He refuses to go to marriage counseling or to change his behavior in the marriage in any way, and he won't tell me what I can do, other than accept him and our marriage as is.
> 
> I'm lonely and sad and angry--but if I leave this marriage, I'll lose some or perhaps all of the other things in my life that do make me happy.
> 
> Any thoughts are welcome.


is he impotent ?
maybe he cannot get an erection anymore due to some physical or mental problem?
maybe he has a girlfriend on the side?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

akshay said:


> will your parents help out initially?



parents?
are you serious? this is grown woman, not a child !


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Why discount seeking the support of family?

Her parents can be helpful without her turning into a burden.


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## arlington wife (Sep 8, 2009)

The questions you raise are good ones, particularly the commonalities with previous marriages. I've actually worked with the therapists I've seen on some of my own issues with relationships, one of which is needing external boosts to my self-esteem. As a result, I dealt with this issue very directly with my husband, telling him how and why this was so important to me. But it's something I'm still pondering, believe me.

As for the physical or other dysfunctions--well, he won't tell me or investigate it with a doctor.

And as for my parents: my father died last year and my mother is in a home, so no, they're not an option. And even if they were--well, I'm almost 50; I need to be able to make it on my own.

Lots of food for thought--again, I appreciate all of the ideas, really.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

michzz said:


> Why discount seeking the support of family?


Not an option for most people who have been out on their own a long time... it is a rather pathetic thing to go running back home when your over 35... or asking them for help.

yuck.. I would rather work 2 jobs than bother my parents with my personal issues.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

arlington wife said:


> As for the physical or other dysfunctions--well, he won't tell me or investigate it with a doctor.
> 
> .


that must be it then.... could he be turning diabetic ???
have some health problems????

or 
into internet porn/ chronic masturbation ?

First thing to do would be a doctors visit with bloodwork
to rule out any physical problems.

I bet he won't go to the doctor. Some men are very hard to convince to go to the doctor.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

preso said:


> Not an option for most people who have been out on their own a long time... it is a rather pathetic thing to go running back home when your over 35... or asking them for help.
> 
> yuck.. I would rather work 2 jobs than bother my parents with my personal issues.


OK, I'm 51 and have been on my own since I was 19. Never "ran back home" ever.

Support can be a few days at their house, talking about the situation. It can be paying rent on a bedroom for a month amongst people who care.

It doesn't mean turning into a leech.

Is it really a bother to share and lean on family in a crisis?

Not to me.


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