# Son smoking pot (I'm pretty sure)



## jayde

Thanks for reading.

My 17 year old son is overall a great kid. Does well in school, could do better (but can't I complain about straight A- s). Anyway, I had some suspicion from somewhere. Not even sure why, but I did a little check of his room on Friday. I found a pipe and some bags. I didn't look too much further. He had a friend who got seriously busted for dealing about a year ago, and I thought he learned from that lesson. I left everything as I found it and thought that I'd check back. Thinking, maybe it was a one time things from awhile ago. Tonight he excused himself from dinner and next thing came down and said he was going to the corner gas station for an Arizona. When I offered him a ride, he said he needed to get out for awhile - he had been watching Tv all day. Again, something didn't feel right.

I went to check on the pipe and it wasn't there. So, I guess it wasn't a one-time thing awhile ago.

Suggestions on how to proceed? I can't police him 24/7 and he's off to college next fall. 

I appreciate any advice.


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## Sandfly

Red eyes, can't remember what you just told him, smells of burnt oregano, laughs at wallpaper?

Such a person is either very _very _old, or smoking pot.

No, police would be a mistake, that's for sure. Unless they just chatted to him.


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## over20

Let me get this straight ....he lives under your roof...you found a pipe and bags of dope in his room but never took it or confronted him, your son has a friend who got busted for dealing...he left the dinner table maybe to get high to DRIVE under the influence to the gas station and you dont' want to call the police because he is going to college in the fall?.........

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, REALLY? Your son has a drug problem and may be driving under the influence. If you do nothing you are as much to blame if he kills someone while driving. 

Do your son a FAVOR and call the police...if he goes to college on a campus his drug use will get a lot worse.


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## unbelievable

Confiscate his dope and paraphernalia, ground his pot smoking behind and make the price of smoking dope unbearably harsh. Follow up with more frequent room inspections and urinalysis testing. If he wants to continue sneaking illegal crap into your home, take the bedroom door. The law requires that you feed him and educate him. It doesn't require that you make life fun or easy for him. Depending on his level of cooperation, he could end up with only a mattress on the floor and a blanket. Anything above that is a privilege and he must earn privileges from you. If he likes weed, he can be promoted to master weed puller of the garden and flower bed. You can't tolerate this sort of behavior. He might grow up to the president.


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## jayde

Whoa . . . big ass mistake posting here. Thanks for your well-reasoned advice.


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## LongWalk

Marijuana I smoked in high school and college in the 70s. I quit all drug activity after my first year of university. I knew it wouldn't be good for me.

Fast forward: nephew started smoking heavily in first year at university. Failed everything.

Cousin's kid. Stole from his mom as she was dying of cancer. Marijuana blew his mind out. There is no hope. All his three sisters are doing well at U.

Cousin's son in LA. Completely wasted. Dropped out of private school. Now has schizoid type behavior brought on or aggrevated by smoking dope.

Second cousin's son. Some sort of personality disorder to begin with. Heavily into pot scene. Two or three of high school friends over dosed on heroin. All of these kids come good families. Doctors, etc.

Sorry to say that drug is anything but harmless. Sure there are people who smoke and function but it is not a given.


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## syhoybenden

They ALL try it sooner or later, even the ones you know for a fact couldn't ever possibly be doing it. For some it's a one and done or a passing phase. For others it takes more time to get over it. Then sadly there's a few who become lost causes.
Not much you can do about it. Your efforts to intervene will have a negative influence. Rebellion. Goes with the maturity level.


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## Jellybeans

You should talk to him about it. Show him what you found and then figure out how best to proceed.

Funny what you said about the straight As. The semester I quit smoking in school, my grades went WAY down. I don't smoke anymore and haven't in eons but it seems smoking helped me have better grades in school, always on the dean's list. I know that probably sounds whacky but in my case, it was true.


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## remainhopeful

I commend you for taking an active interest in your son. You are already way ahead of most folks who have children. Although he sounds like a responsible young man in regard to his schooling he still needs to shaped and molded in the way of right/wrong from his parents. That is our responsibilty. He needs to be clear on why using drugs is wrong and reminded of what your standard is for him. You are protecting your child from what could potentially be a down spiral mess. The real issue isn't SHOULD you talk to him but how you are going to talk to him in the way that reaches his heart and powers of reason. Start off with trying to get him to explain his thinking on the matter before you go into why it is wrong/bad. I hope it goes well.


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## Hope1964

My kids all smoke pot. I smoke pot. We're all educated contributing members of society. We know of the potential for harm and don't overdo it or let it adversely affect our lives. And we don't do other drugs of any kind.

My advice is to talk to him about it in a non confrontational way and educate him about it. Just like you would about alcohol. Moderation is key. Tell him you're there if he wants to talk or finds he can't go without it or it's adversely affecting his life. Make sure he knows the danger signs and that you are available as a resource if he needs one.


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## jayde

Thanks to the last few posters for your insight. At 17 and a half, I can't police him day and nite (nor do I want to). In 6 months he'll be off to college. I just don't want him to screw up. Has anyone else had a similar conversation that turned out OK? I don't want this to become a can and mouse game.


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## JustHer

Hi jayde, sorry you are having to deal with this. Having gone through a lot with my kids too, I have a different opinion now than I did a decade ago, before I had to deal with it. 

You are right, at 17 1/2, he needs to be making his own choices and dealing with those consequences on his own. Having said that, he also needs to respect your home and the rules therein.

If this were me, after all I have learned, I would sit him down with my spouse and let him know that you do know what he is doing and you do not approve of it. If it is illegal in your state then he needs to know that it is not allowed in your home, no pot or paraphernalia as it is illegal and you and your spouse could be arrested if there was a search for any reason. He also would not be allowed to drive my cars as I would never know if he is driving under the influence and I would never allow someone, anyone, to drive one of my vehicles under the influence. It is your responsibility to take responsibility for your property. I would also make sure that he understood that if he was to get busted, I would not bail him out or support him in any way. It is his choice to smoke pot and it should be his consequences.

Along with that, he would not be allowed to be in my home stoned. It is my home and I do not think I should have this shoved in my face in my own home. If he chooses to behave like this, he needs to do it away from me. Unfortunately you cannot kick him out until he is 18 so if he did come home stoned or brought some home, you will have to come up with something that made him very uncomfortable for doing so. I don't know your home or family so you will need to think of what that might be.

Lastly, I would have a talk about his future. He is in charge of that and it is his choice to go on to college, get a job at buckey burger, or what ever, but the choices he makes now will determine the rest of his life. Turn those choices over to him. It is something to watch what a kid will do when he knows he has full agency for himself. He cannot blame you for his lack of success, it is all on him. Once he is in that position, he might just pull it together.

Just wanted to add: When I had these talks with my boys, about allowing them to make their own choices. I also emphasize that "you are a man now and you need to understand that you are determining your future". Something to that affect. I think it brings reality home to them when they realize they are a man and the future is here and now.


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## turnera

You have to talk to him about it. The question is, will it be an attack (fail) or using logic? Both parents there, if he gets along with both of you. Ask him to lay out his plan for the next 4 years. Once you've listened, then start adding in little zingers about what can go wrong with those plans if the drugs get out of control (when he tells you he's not doing it, palm up and say 'I know you are, let's not go there'). Then talk about what if a roommate gets busted, guess what, so does he. Talk about random drug tests for employment. Talk about not getting the NEXT job because the last one won't recommend him. Talk about getting his girlfriend in a car accident because he wasn't on top of his game driving. Talk about getting a friend KILLED because his reflexes were too slow. Talk about a professor hearing about it from another student and deciding he's not going to ask your son to mentor under him, so he doesn't get the next scholarship. You could go on, but there are a lot more things that can go wrong than there are that can go right, at this stage in his life. Then tell him that it will hurt your opinion of him if he continues. And then leave, and let him think on it.


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## jayde

Thank you thank you thank you. I know I have to talk to him - just not sure of the approach - great feedback here. I just feel like this is a discussion I need to nail right the first time.

Here's what I'm thinking so far, I want to know:
- How often?
- With whom?
- Where?
- Funding? He had a job last fall for a few weeks (seasonal)
- Where he thinks this is heading?

Anything else???? (apart what's already been mentioned above_


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## turnera

I wouldn't be drilling him about when, where, who. He'll just go into defense mode and most likely lie to you. Money, though, I think you have a right to get on him about, because if his bf was dealing, the odds of HIM dealing have shot right up there, and he may be contemplating prison instead of college.


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## jayde

That's what terrifies me.


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## joe kidd

My kids asked me If I had ever smoked it and I didn't lie. Yes I have. What I did say was " Ask why I don't now." They are going to try it and honestly if that is the worst they get into I will count myself lucky.


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## jayde

Joe - I agree with you. However, I won't know if this is the worse thing he'll get into. I heard Chris Herren speak last year (he played for the Celtics and his life spiralled out of control with drug use. I know not everyone who smokes a joint will end up shooting heroin . . . it's still scary.


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## Lordhavok

Lol, lots of people act like he's got a meth lab set up in the garage, its just a little weed, geeez.


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## JustHer

jayde said:


> Thank you thank you thank you. I know I have to talk to him - just not sure of the approach - great feedback here. I just feel like this is a discussion I need to nail right the first time.
> 
> Here's what I'm thinking so far, I want to know:
> - How often?
> - With whom?
> - Where?
> - Funding? He had a job last fall for a few weeks (seasonal)
> - Where he thinks this is heading?
> 
> Anything else???? (apart what's already been mentioned above_


None of this matters. When you give someone the agency to make their own choices you have to also honor those choices, whether it is what you consider right or wrong and let the consequences fall where they may.

What matters is that he understand that there are rules in your house. That he will face the consequences of his choices, whether good or bad. That his IS living his future now and every choice he makes will be a platform for the rest of his life.

He IS a man and therefor must take responsibility for his own life.

You must accept the fact that you cannot control him by coercing him. You also need to let it be known that you have boundaries and there are consequences for crossing those boundaries - bringing pot into your home, etc.

One of the hardest things for me to learn as a parent is when to back off and let the chips fall where they may.


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## firebelly1

JustHer said:


> None of this matters. When you give someone the agency to make their own choices you have to also honor those choices, whether it is what you consider right or wrong and let the consequences fall where they may.
> 
> What matters is that he understand that there are rules in your house. That he will face the consequences of his choices, whether good or bad. That his IS living his future now and every choice he makes will be a platform for the rest of his life.
> 
> He IS a man and therefor must take responsibility for his own life.
> 
> You must accept the fact that you cannot control him by coercing him. You also need to let it be known that you have boundaries and there are consequences for crossing those boundaries - bringing pot into your home, etc.
> 
> One of the hardest things for me to learn as a parent is when to back off and let the chips fall where they may.


My son started smoking pot when he was 14. He's 17 now and we have battling about it ever since. What I've learned: as JustHer points out, you have to know what your rules are in your house. And you have to know what the consequences are if those rules are broken. 

I did the UA thing for a while - if he tested positive, he didn't get an allowance. Because I wasn't going to pay for his drugs. It was a deterrent but ultimately, it wasn't something that convinced him to stop. He started selling it in order to make money to buy it. At this point I don't believe he will ever stop. I think it has become something that he will do for the rest of his life. 

In terms of it being a gateway drug...he has tried other drugs. He didn't like them. Now he smokes and drinks but isn't interested in harder drugs. He is under age. I've told him if he gets arrested, I will not bail him out. And as we are living in a foreign country, if he gets kicked out of the country, I also won't be bailing him out. (Although I think that scenario is unlikely.) 

I can't control whether he gets high outside of my house. I can't always tell if he is high when he comes home, so I haven't made a rule about that. He has consistently lied about his use and selling it and it has cause a situation where I don't trust him. He just turned 17 and honestly, I feel like I am biding my time until he turns 18. He is not doing well in school. If he were, like your son, I might worry less. But I'm really concerned about his future. I'm not sure what else to do. I feel like I have done everything I know how to do and can control but I'm not optimistic about his future. Not necessarily because he smokes pot, but because the pot smoking seems to be the only thing he likes to do.


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## jayde

Firebelly . . . thanks for your note. I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I truly hope he does turn it around at some time.


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## firebelly1

jayde said:


> Firebelly . . . thanks for your note. I'm really sorry to hear about your son. I truly hope he does turn it around at some time.


Thanks. I think there are enough stories out there from adults who have smoked pot and gone on to live productive lives that smoking pot per se should not worry you. The fact that your son's grades are good are a good indication that pot use isn't impairing him too bad. So, I think it's just worth having a conversation with him. I don't know if you've read "Crucial Conversations" but I think that approach would be really good here. Approach him without judgement. Seek information. Be loving and clear about what you are okay with and what you're not. 

The case may be, like me, that you're not sure what your parameters are. It took me a few years to really figure out what worked for me or didn't around my son's use. So, really it's just got to start with loving concern and genuine curiosity. 

Having said all that, I have a brother who just turned 40 and he hasn't had a driver's license for 10 years. He has literally spent the last decade growing and smoking pot and has a girlfriend that enables him. 

My stbxh smoked pot since he was 15 and ultimately, our MC said, that may be what did in our marriage since he has never really learned to deal with his own emotions or anyone else's. Instead of feeling feelings for the last 30 years, he has self-medicated. 

There are horror stories and there are not-so-horrible stories. The key is: WHY is he using it? If it is to relax occasionally then (aside from the legal issues) it's probably not that big of a deal. If he uses it to escape every bad feeling he ever has, that's not psychologically healthy.


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## Hope1964

firebelly1 said:


> The key is: WHY is he using it? If it is to relax occasionally then (aside from the legal issues) it's probably not that big of a deal. If he uses it to escape every bad feeling he ever has, that's not psychologically healthy.


:iagree:


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## turnera

What kind of parents were you before this?


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## over20

Lordhavok said:


> Lol, lots of people act like he's got a meth lab set up in the garage, its just a little weed, geeez.


Tell that to a Cop, when one is pulled over....it's just a little weed, geez......


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## jayde

Thanks again for the additional feedback. I spoke with someone else who made the same comment regarding if it's occasional or if it's more frequent and he is drug seeking. The former is probably not a big issue, the latter, definately is. (of course, apart from the legal aspect of it - I heard ya Over20). The problem with that is in my town, pot use and underage drinking seem to be so wide spread, I think it's hard for kids to truly see it's illegal. So, that has to be a big part of the conversation.


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## Jellybeans

Hope1964 said:


> My kids all smoke pot. I smoke pot. We're all educated contributing members of society..


Haha. For some reason I never imagined you as a smoker. Hahaha 

:smthumbup:


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## ScarletBegonias

My husband has smoked since he was 12.He is just fine and successful as an adult. His brother smoked at an early age too.He moved on to other drugs and ended up dead from an OD.

It can go either way. As Hope stated,the best you can do is educate him about moderation and make sure he understands the consequences of his actions.


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## ScarletBegonias

and for f**ks sake keep an eye on him for signs of other drugs! DH's parents completely turned a blind eye to what both kids were doing even as his brother escalated to heavy drugs and eventually prescription meds.


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## jayde

SB - yes, for sure to keep an eye on him. And what you describe scares me . . . years from now, all could be well and I'll wonder what I worried about, or . . . that I should have done a lot more.


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## ScarletBegonias

jayde said:


> SB - yes, for sure to keep an eye on him. And what you describe scares me . . . years from now, all could be well and I'll wonder what I worried about, or . . . that I should have done a lot more.


I know how you feel hon,it's a slippery slope. 
I feel that if a person has it in them to become an addict no amount of parenting and education is going to steer them away from it. It might help pull them out of the addiction but it won't stop them from being wild and living their life the way they want. Do the best you can with what you've got and pray for the best outcome. That's really all any of us can do.


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## jayde

Thanks for this. He is generally a level-headed kid and has lots of interests and a bunch of friends who are genuinely nice kids (obviously, some of the bunch I might not categorize that way). I'm just getting my heads around the message I want to send. I let W know about this yesterday so we're both figuring it out. I tend to be the more level headed one (her first reaction was drug test him, he's not going to live under my roof smoking pot, I certatinly will not pay for any college, etc.) . . . all this before we know anything more than he had a pot pipe in his closet. I've talk her back from that extreme thinking. Now to figure out the more realistic approach.


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## ScarletBegonias

oh goodness he sounds like my DH when DH was in high school. LOL Level headed,interested in sports,good grades..smoked weed constantly. It was even worse in college but he still managed to get nearly a 4.0 throughout.
If I absolutely had to choose which vice my son would have it would definitely be weed over alcohol or prescription meds. I hope he steers clear of every thing but that's not very realistic of course.


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## JustHer

jayde, don't want to be negative here, but if he had a pipe, he is smoking, period. It is good you and your W are talking this out first. You do need to have a game plan of what you will, and can accept and do. I have dealt with this in my own home. The way I would have handled a 15 year old and a 17 1/2 year old is very different. As I stated above, he is a man now and must understand that that comes with responsibility. You also must understand where your limits are. You are past the point where you can determine his choices. But, you do have control over your home.

For instance, if he is using my car, he no longer would have that option, even if it meant that he could not go to work. He would not even get the car long enough to put in a two week notice, it is gone. He doesn't get the car to go hang out or anything. Thus he is now on foot or has to stay home, his choice. But the consequence of choosing pot is loosing your property. 

That is just one example of what I would do. There would be more but it would be based on the person, circumstances, etc.


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## unbelievable

If you tolerate it, the message you send is that you condone his behavior, that he is free to obey or disobey laws and rules as he chooses. I would not want my kid to get the idea that I was indifferent when it came to his welfare and future. Kids need clear boundaries.


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## EnjoliWoman

This is a tough one as your kid is doing well. I agree if he uses it to relax like an adult who has a glass of wine at the end of the day, not a huge deal. Driving isn't such a good idea. But letting him be in possession in your home is also not a good idea.

I was completely anti-drug until I married someone who was a huge stoner. I finally tried it and liked it a lot. I used it to escape while in a bad marriage - it made me rather complacent, I fear. But I have always been a productive citizen. For him it was a mood stabilizer - he was self-medicating. I don't do it any more although every now and then it would be nice. I know people who do and they are all productive citizens who know when NOT to smoke.

I think it's MUCH safer than alcohol - you can't OD on it like you can alcohol so I'd rather my daughter do that. But it's hard to determine whether they are currently stoned so testing is great if you have a zero tolerance but it stays in the body so long you can't prove they were stoned an hour earlier when they drove. 

I think a talk about the pros and cons and what rules you expect in your home (don't have it on the premises, no smoking before driving, etc.) are better discussions to have.

Just like alcohol, some will try it and become worthless drunks, some will be functioning drunks and some will imbibe on occasion. Talk about other drugs, ask if he has tried them and discuss the dangers of those. And certainly don't threaten to not pay for college! Sounds like he's handling it rather maturely. I'd worry more about keeping him off other stuff - I'd be more inclined to say he has to keep his grades up, not use it at home, not drive on it, etc. and that you will randomly test him in college and have a zero tolerance on OTHER drugs.


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## JustHer

Sorry EnjoiWoman, I usually don't disagree with too much of what you post, this time I do. Your ideas here make no sense to me. 

"He is handling it maturely". A mature adult would not be doing this, would not be breaking the law, or bringing illegal substances into someone else's home.

"Don't pay for college" Why would they want to sink money into someone's education who is smoking it away? You even said it made you complacent. Why would you want to feed complacency in him when he is in college and should be studying his a** off? And besides that, he is an adult, he should be paying for his own college. Maybe if he quits spending his money on pot he would have enough for his higher education.

"They should accept pot, even though it is illegal, but draw the line with "other drugs", where is the logic in that?

If we don't, as parents, and even members of society, draw a line between right and wrong, and make that line very clear according to law, morality and integrity, we give our kids a muted sense of their full potential. They will be so satisfied with just being average, or skating by that they won't ever know what they can become or achieve. 

Character matters, and our kids need to understand this.


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## norajane

I'd be one of those people who would prefer he smoke in the safety of the house than get high out there somewhere where the possibility of bad things happening escalates. Just like with alcohol. Not that I'd recommend either to a child, but I wouldn't make "not in my house!" my hill to die on with them.

Seeing as neither smoking pot nor drinking alcohol is legal for a 17 year old, I would stress the danger of getting arrested and the danger of operating a vehicle under the influence of either or both. He'll be going to college soon, and you will have no control over what he does. I'd stress safety and the possibility of screwing up his own future over morality on this issue. If you go all hard-core and "pot is teh worst evil evah!" on him, he will tune you out as uninformed.

I didn't really smoke pot until sometime in college, although I certainly tried it a couple times in high school. I hated the taste of alcohol (which my parents would have let me drink some at home since we come from a country that had no age restrictions on it at the time), so pot became more interesting to me later when everyone in college was (illegally) getting drunk Thursday to Monday. If it were legal in my state, I'd be smoking it now instead of doing any drinking. I did smoke plenty of it when I lived in a state where they didn't try too hard to catch or arrest people with weed. I am a productive member of society nonetheless.


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## EnjoliWoman

JustHer said:


> Sorry EnjoiWoman, I usually don't disagree with too much of what you post, this time I do. Your ideas here make no sense to me.
> 
> "He is handling it maturely". A mature adult would not be doing this, would not be breaking the law, or bringing illegal substances into someone else's home.
> 
> "Don't pay for college" Why would they want to sink money into someone's education who is smoking it away? You even said it made you complacent. Why would you want to feed complacency in him when he is in college and should be studying his a** off? And besides that, he is an adult, he should be paying for his own college. Maybe if he quits spending his money on pot he would have enough for his higher education.
> 
> "They should accept pot, even though it is illegal, but draw the line with "other drugs", where is the logic in that?
> 
> If we don't, as parents, and even members of society, draw a line between right and wrong, and make that line very clear according to law, morality and integrity, we give our kids a muted sense of their full potential. They will be so satisfied with just being average, or skating by that they won't ever know what they can become or achieve.
> 
> Character matters, and our kids need to understand this.


I said it made ME complacent in a bad situation. I didn't say it would make HIM complacent. Obviously he has not been as his grades are high, he's still involved in all of his normal activities and isn't skipping school eating cheetos in the dark listening to Pink Floyd.

If he is making As in high school, why are we assuming he'll all of a sudden become a loser in college? THAT is why you keep on the college track. If he flunks out, then by all means refuse to invest in another semester but to yank it away now while he's doing great will SURELY send him to a life that is less than what he could achieve. 

Pot is not so expensive he is smoking away tuition. Liquor is more expensive than pot for the buzz unless you're drinking Burnett's vodka.

The problem I often see is morality is somehow tied to law which is also somehow tied to character. Many would argue abortion is morally wrong but legally right. Alcohol is illegal to serve an 18y/o but he can die in action in the military but can you doubt the morality of a soldier having a beer? Just because pot is illegal does not make it immoral. Pot is legal many places - are all of those people immoral with poor character? They are not all one and the same. 

Alcohol was illegal yet now it is legal and considered a perfectly moral thing to do. Many people of good character imbibe in a drink or two. Ever had a beer watching a sporting event? It's no different than having a few puffs of pot - only our laws have made it illegal and therefore PERCEIVED as immoral. Sex before marriage is legal but many would say shows poor character and immoral. Again, you cannot link legality, morality and character. 

Some day it will be legal to possess pot in all states. Our great grandchildren will talk about the second great prohibition era. 

I differentiate between pot and other drugs because other drugs can be physically addictive (like alcohol); marijuana cannot - you can only be 'dependent' on pot which is an emotional need, not a physical one. 

I think one's stance on pot is probably much like abortion or religion - agree to disagree.


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## ScarletBegonias

EnjoliWoman said:


> I said it made ME complacent in a bad situation. I didn't say it would make HIM complacent. Obviously he has not been as his grades are high, he's still involved in all of his normal activities and isn't skipping school eating cheetos in the dark listening to Pink Floyd.
> 
> If he is making As in high school, why are we assuming he'll all of a sudden become a loser in college? THAT is why you keep on the college track. If he flunks out, then by all means refuse to invest in another semester but to yank it away now while he's doing great will SURELY send him to a life that is less than what he could achieve.
> 
> Pot is not so expensive he is smoking away tuition. Liquor is more expensive than pot for the buzz unless you're drinking Burnett's vodka.
> 
> The problem I often see is morality is somehow tied to law which is also somehow tied to character. Many would argue abortion is morally wrong but legally right. Alcohol is illegal to serve an 18y/o but he can die in action in the military but can you doubt the morality of a soldier having a beer? Just because pot is illegal does not make it immoral. Pot is legal many places - are all of those people immoral with poor character? They are not all one and the same.
> 
> Alcohol was illegal yet now it is legal and considered a perfectly moral thing to do. Many people of good character imbibe in a drink or two. Ever had a beer watching a sporting event? It's no different than having a few puffs of pot - only our laws have made it illegal and therefore PERCEIVED as immoral. Sex before marriage is legal but many would say shows poor character and immoral. Again, you cannot link legality, morality and character.
> 
> Some day it will be legal to possess pot in all states. Our great grandchildren will talk about the second great prohibition era.
> 
> I differentiate between pot and other drugs because other drugs can be physically addictive (like alcohol); marijuana cannot - you can only be 'dependent' on pot which is an emotional need, not a physical one.
> 
> I think one's stance on pot is probably much like abortion or religion - agree to disagree.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## firebelly1

The legal aspect of it is ultimately the thing I made rules about. I told my son I wasn't going to do anything about what he does outside my house, but he was not to bring it into my house. My rationale for that is that he has to be out and about transporting it to my house which is how we got the RCMP showing up to our house the last time. He was outside smoking with a bunch of friends. 

The way I enforce that is by raiding his room on occasion. The last time I found it, I flushed it down the toilet and his possible summer school became a for sure summer school. Me signing off on him having a driver's license has also been postponed a few times over the issue. Your son probably already has his, but those who are suggesting he lose car privileges may have something there. Although, I can see where that might be inconvenient for you and so may want car privileges to be based on a UA.


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## norajane

firebelly1 said:


> The legal aspect of it is ultimately the thing I made rules about. I told my son I wasn't going to do anything about what he does outside my house, but he was not to bring it into my house. My rationale for that is that he has to be out and about transporting it to my house which is how we got the RCMP showing up to our house the last time. He was outside smoking with a bunch of friends.


That was my point exactly about the "not in my house" rules. If you forbid it in the house, they will smoke it on the street and be seen. If they can't bring it into the house, they will leave it in their locker at school. All of those are worse consequences, legally, if caught, than the safety of your home.

Again, I'm not advocating pot smoking for teenagers. It's just that the consequences of getting caught are much higher when they smoke it/store it elsewhere.


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## jayde

My son only has his learner's permit. Getting his license does not seem to be a big deal for him. (Which I can't understand for the life of me.) I had no idea this would lead to such discussions. W and I will be sitting down with him in the coming days - there doesn't seem to be a real urgency - more important to get that first conversation right, I feel. (ALthough, I'm sure someone will slam me for not tackling this immediately. Norajane, I see your point about him not being in the streets, but I would feel uncomfortable him smoking at home and W dear would never, ever, ever go for that. 

Ain't it nuts how there's always something going on???

Thanks again everyone.


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## turnera

norajane said:


> That was my point exactly about the "not in my house" rules. If you forbid it in the house, they will smoke it on the street and be seen. If they can't bring it into the house, they will leave it in their locker at school. All of those are worse consequences, legally, if caught, than the safety of your home.
> 
> the consequences of getting caught are much higher when they smoke it/store it elsewhere.


And a MUCH better - and less likely to be severe - consequence for them to learn while they are still living under your roof than away at college, where they will for SURE be charged as an adult.

A wise guest speaker once told us to stand back and allow our kids to make their mistakes (not enable them and not cover for them) while they ARE kids, even at 17, and the mistakes don't land them in prison, than to not let them face their consequences as kids. Because if you do, they will never learn to make BETTER decisions, and the mistakes they make once they move out will be bigger, worse, and have worse consequences, when we're no longer around to guide them.


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## PBear

My mom caught me with a pipe when I was 16. In my case, I was a very infrequent smoker; I never actually bought any product (so I was cheap as well). My mom found it, freaked out a bit, accepted my story, then never spoke of it again (although I suspect I was a subject of a few searches). 

Anyway, after high school I've only smoked once or twice. Not everyone who has a bowl or two goes on to being a meth head, just like not everyone who has an underage beer goes on to become an alcoholic. So I'd watch for signs of abuse and problems handling it. And maybe have a reduced tolerance for BS, like failing out of classes in college. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde

PBear - I hope my son's story is the same as you. And if I knew that was the case, I would have never posted. it's just not knowing where this will lead him. Some posters have taken the heavy hand approach - which I know simply won't work with him. Just looking for the balance of parental guidance, enforcing rules and letting him learn from his own mistakes and exert, perhaps, some age-appropriate rebellion.


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## firebelly1

norajane said:


> That was my point exactly about the "not in my house" rules. If you forbid it in the house, they will smoke it on the street and be seen. If they can't bring it into the house, they will leave it in their locker at school. All of those are worse consequences, legally, if caught, than the safety of your home.
> 
> Again, I'm not advocating pot smoking for teenagers. It's just that the consequences of getting caught are much higher when they smoke it/store it elsewhere.


I understand that way of thinking, but ultimately if there is marijuana in my house aren't I legally liable as well? That's where I'm coming from. If he's going to do illegal things, I'm not going to be implicated in them. Especially since I am in a foreign country on a temporary work permit.


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## jayde

Firebelly1 - being in a foreign country certainly means you need to be more careful. I asked the same question to someone else in the know, and his reply was that if the authorities find pot in my house, are they more likely to think it's mine, if it's in my son's room, or his. Most likely, they will believe it's my son's pot. 

Here's the rub . . . If my kid leave pot in my car, and for some reason, I get searched, do I:

1. take the hit and pretend it's mine (in my car)...or
2. be honest, saying it's my son's pot - and the repercussions.

I am a teacher, so , if I don;t throw my son under the bus, I lose my certification and my ability to earn a living. Or, throw my son back under the bus.

I think that my son will understand this predicament.

We're all talking about hypothetical situations, but that's what we do as humans . . . thanks again.


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## turnera

Well, I'll tell you the ONE thing I have been telling my DD23 for the last 13 years: if you do ANYTHING that gets you in trouble with the law, be prepared to spend time in jail, because I will NOT be bailing you out for something YOU did wrong - you WILL pay the price for it, as it is your job to learn from your own mistakes. 

She's told me that this is the main reason she's never done anything to get in trouble.


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## turnera

We do our children NO good by bailing them out.


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## norajane

jayde said:


> Firebelly1 - being in a foreign country certainly means you need to be more careful. I asked the same question to someone else in the know, and his reply was that if the authorities find pot in my house, are they more likely to think it's mine, if it's in my son's room, or his. Most likely, they will believe it's my son's pot.
> 
> Here's the rub . . . If my kid leave pot in my car, and for some reason, I get searched, do I:
> 
> 1. take the hit and pretend it's mine (in my car)...or
> 2. be honest, saying it's my son's pot - and the repercussions.
> 
> I am a teacher, so , if I don;t throw my son under the bus, I lose my certification and my ability to earn a living. Or, throw my son back under the bus.
> 
> I think that my son will understand this predicament.
> 
> We're all talking about hypothetical situations, but that's what we do as humans . . . thanks again.


Yes, this is the kind of stuff you want to be talking with him about. Help him see all the repercussions and issues.


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## jayde

We're having the conversation tonight.


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## turnera

norajane said:


> Yes, this is the kind of stuff you want to be talking with him about. Help him see all the repercussions and issues.


Like if he has a younger brother or sister, and leaves pot in the car that they are in, THEY can go to jail.


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## LongWalk

jaydee,

My nephew failed every class in his first semester at the big state U. Grade point average 0.0.

He was was upset when his mom found the paraphrenalia (including an electronic scale and vaporizer pipe). He demanded them back. Was angry. Said they belonged to a friend.

Sure dope smoking doesn't bring everybody down but more than a few.


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## Jellybeans

When I was younger, my dad found my stash and I was in sooo much trouble and got grounded.I was a total pot head in high school. Completely. Smoked every day. It was my favorite hobby. And got amazing grades. I went to college and hardly ever smoked and it never had the same appeal to me again so I stopped. It's funny because my grades decreased so much when I quit smoking. Then I was able to get them up again. Also, in college a LOT of my friends smoked and I felt I was "over it" by then. Lol. It was a high school thing for me. Some of my friends from back in the day, still smoke daily, some every blue moon, some not at all. It's really interesting to see how that happens. 

My dad calling me out on it did scare me but I kept smoking until I was done with it.


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## jayde

JB - I hope my son is in a different place than you were. Glad it never became an issue for you - and I hope it's not for him.


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## Jellybeans

jayde said:


> JB - I hope my son is in a different place than you were


What is that supposed to mean?

LOL. 

I wasn't in a bad place at all. I just liked to smoke my herb and get good grades. I was a pot genius. LOL. Eventually though it did nothing for me and I have zero desire to to this day.

I hope it doesn't become an issue for your son either. And it may not!


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## jayde

Jellybeans said:


> What is that supposed to mean?
> 
> I meant I hope he's not smoking that much. There have been so many stories on hear of kids smoking and it never becoming a real issues . . . AND kids smoking who mess up their lives/education, etc.
> 
> It's just scary not knowing which way this might go.


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## norajane

I think it makes a difference if your son has goals. , and is self-motivated to achieve them. If they are his goals (not yours, but something he believes in and wants for himself), he will most likely stick to occasional recreational use, like the vast majority of people who drink alcohol, because he will want to reach his goals.

That's how it worked for me in college, anyway.


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## jayde

Well, he's keen to get to college - looking forward to the academic challenge.


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## Lordhavok

over20 said:


> Tell that to a Cop, when one is pulled over....it's just a little weed, geez......


I have done that, and it wasnt a big deal, didnt even get a ticket for it.


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## indiecat

I told my son I would not have drug paraphernalia in my house. And that if he was going to smoke then go do it somewhere else and don't be driving when high. Mind you he was 21 when I told him this. At 17 I would tell him that he is not to use drugs in your house. Period.


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## jayde

Well . . . had the discussion tonight. Went better than I thought. He came into the room with a "I know what this is about smirk" - which pissed me off, but I had an agenda to get through.

Turns out, he's been doing a lot of lying. (OK - let's all have a collective "DUH - AS$HOLE Dad" Which I kinda thought. But let's get that out - that will cut down 75% of the posts)

I was way too trusting. He talked about how he researched this and that, and that smoking wasn't all that bad. W said that it's addicting, etc, which I and he knew wasn't true. We went round and round - telling him he doesn't understand the risk, all the great things you have going on could be done with a chance meeting of a police officer. He insisted we didn't understand his perspective. I invited him to explain it to us. Blah, blah, blah.

Then I asked him how we move forward on this. He didn't seem to get it. I said, well, I've trusted you completely, and I've been made an ass. The gig's up. Weekend curfew is 10 pm, because I'm not waiting up later and I want to see you when you come home. No more sleep over. He went on to say that this destroys his social life. He asked, when will this be lifted. I answered, when I'm comfortable with what's going on. He kept pressing . . .When, when . ...

I finally said that this is his **** to fix up. He set this all up and he better not put it on me to figure out the solution. I told him (shouted) this is your crap to clean up.... you figure it out. We did our part, trusting you, YOU are the one that messed that up. WE trusted you, WE took all the bait. YOU have to fix this. Clean up YOUR ****. 

At that point he started walking out . . . I told him don't you close that door. 

W started in, "Oh he was crying, give him some dignity" For f*ckin real??? Where's my dignity? Standing up for him as he lied to me??? We agreed to send him to a trip to Italy in April . . . he had to pay $1000 for the trip . We have $300. I asked where his money went that he earned last fall. "Oh, fast food, stuff, weed . .." As he went into his room <<in tears>>boo, hoo.... I shouted, and you think you're going to Italy.

I told him to get his bowl and put it on the floor. Once he left, I took a hammer to it and drove off to put it in a public trash. When I came home, I noticed his bedroom light on. I felt like throwing my handful of keys at it. When I walked in, he met me at the door, eyes tearful, hand extended. I waited. 

"So," I said. 

He was crying and said he was really sorry and said, he said "Thank you." 

We shaked hands and I hugged him. I could fell his heart beating against my chest. I didn't think this was an act. F*ck, if it was, he should be on the next flight to Hollywood. 

We hugged for awhile. It seemed to me to be a big release for him. During "our talk" there seemed to be a balance between "doing the cool thing" and not doing it. He defended his 'decision' to start smoking, but at one point said he didn't remember making that decision. But he positioned it that he made a conscious decision to smoke.

I told him I love him very much and I think he is a really great kid. And if I didn't love him as much, or believe in him that much, the conversation wouldn't have happened. I also said, that I wish my parents had a similar conversation with me when I was his age. I drink too much. Still.

He asked me if I ever smoked. I told him once, it made me sleepy and I had no interest. He replied, "It didn't make you high?? It wasn't good?" I said no.

He said "I have no interest in drinking" 

I was happy with that.

Wow ... big night. A big breath of relief.

(I think)


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## turnera

Excellent outcome. Job well done, you AND him.


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## jayde

turnera said:


> Excellent outcome. Job well done, you AND him.


Thank you. I hope so. Your thought are encouraging.


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## turnera

Kids really DO want their parents to guide them.

I used to be mad at my mom cos she always said she trusted me to make the right decisions, and all I wanted was a mom who said I couldn't go to this or that party. I had to be my OWN badguy. I always told my DD23 that if she wanted to make me out to be her badguy and decline something and blame it on me, she was welcome to.


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## jayde

Yep, we told him the same thing. Make me the bad guy. I don't really care what his friends think of me.


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## EnjoliWoman

Ditto on being the bad guy - for my open position on pot use, kids do need a scape goat sometimes. Kiddo has used me before when she didn't want to go to a party where there was going to be stuff going on she wasn't comfortable with.

I think the escalating to yelling wasn't so great but it turned out fine. And the addiction thing - yeah you can't use scare tactics with kids, especially with the information available on the internet.

Glad it ended well.


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## jayde

Yes, it did seem to end well. As with many things in life, I'll just have to wait and see how he actually responds. He didn't resist potential drug testing - in fact, he brought it up. 

Any thoughts about going that route?


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## JustHer

There are a lot of drugs the kids are using these days that don't show up on the tests, spice is one of them. In fact, he could be smoking that instead of pot. It is a short, intense high so they can do it on their lunch break and come back to class normal.

I would check with the sheriff and see if it is a problem in your area.

Also, depending on the size and body mass of your son, he can easily test neg. even if he is smoking pot. These kids have all the tricks down. One way to counter this is to have him drink some apple juice a few hours before the test, this will help bring the THC into the urine. 

Lastly, the tests can add up, make him pay for them.

Did you smell the pipe before you broke it? What did it smell like?


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## turnera

No reason for drug testing unless the grades slip.


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## Adelais

jayde,
I hope your son is not playing you. He has a lot to lose, and druggies lie. If he has been using pot for as long as it seems, he is not going to quit that easily. His friends are also druggies. THey are not going to let him quit that easily either.

His friends and his supplier will offer it to him for free. His friends don't want to be high alone. His dealer won't want to lose the business. They will tease him, and will offer it to him for free as long as he continues seeing them.

Regarding the blood test: you can get him to pay you a "down payment" for the first one. If he passes, you keep the money for the next test as a down payment. If he fails the test, you take a new down payment for the next test. Also, if he is really into the drugs, he will be trying to figure out ways to alter the results, so the drug tests need to be random, with some way for you to make sure he isn't messing with it.


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## Adelais

turnera said:


> No reason for drug testing unless the grades slip.


The boy has been using drugs for a while already without the grades slipping.

OP doesn't want the son using pot. His concern isn't the grades. If the grades go too, OP has two problems on his hands.


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## over20

Walgreen, Cvs and Rite Aid all have the drug testing kits. To help keep your son on a positive road, I would buy them (make him pay you back) and give them to him randomly. If he fails them it's back to square one with loss of all rights.


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## jayde

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> The boy has been using drugs for a while already without the grades slipping.
> 
> OP doesn't want the son using pot. His concern isn't the grades. If the grades go too, OP has two problems on his hands.


Agreed. Thank you.


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## jayde

Thanks for the continued feedback. 

So, after the tears and hugs last thursday, he's been laying low. Now, he back at the same kids house where I think most of this crap took place. He told W she could pick him up at 6pm to bring him to another superbowl party. He said having to come home at half time was unfair.

WTF you may ask. Me too.

Clearly this kid hasn't quite got it. The fact that he argued with W about what time he has to come home has lost him his right to go to the party at all.


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## turnera

Good.


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## jayde

Thanks for the continued feedback. 

So, after the tears and hugs last thursday, he's been laying low. Now, he back at the same kids house where I think most of this crap took place. He told W she could pick him up at 6pm to bring him to another superbowl party. He said having to come home at half time was unfair.

WTF you may ask. Me too.

Clearly this kid hasn't quite got it. The fact that he argued with W about what time he has to come home has lost him his right to go to the party at all.


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## jayde

OK - so W agreed to pick up son at "The Kid's" house at 6pm and bring him to the superbowl party. I've ask son about the kid and what happens over there and he's repeatedly said, "just video games.' So, given this past week, I'm thinking, there's no way in hell, I'm waiting 45 minutes to pick up son and deliver him to a SB party where he feel HE dictates the time he comes him. 

So, I drive to the kid's house, knock on the door, and tell son, he's coming home now. (BTW, everything seemed fine, three teenagers watching tv.). Son seems a little perplexed. I told him last thursday nite was a game changer, he set up this scenario with his actions, we gave him a lot of freedom, he blew it. I told him he's welcome to watch SB at our house and if his friend wants to know why he's not coming, he can tell her he got busted smoking pot and is grounded. 

It would be nice if W would get on board with this. It's tough driving the ship on my own. W is afraid of alienating the kids. Whatever.


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## turnera

There are a LOT of articles out there about not 'nicing' your kids, about how you can't be your kids' friend, about how you HAVE to set boundaries and let them break them and suffer the consequences, for THEIR SAKES. About how that is what being a parent IS - giving the tough rules.

Look up Authoritative Parenting and read it out loud to your wife.


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## turnera

btw, good for you for taking the reins and LEADING the family. It's what you're supposed to do.


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## pinotnoir

My son smoked pot probably since he was a freshman. He's in college now. Always had a temper problem when he was young, but it mellowed out as a high schooler. All through high school he played football. Worked his a$$ off, and played on a state championship team. We've talked a LOT about pot over the years. I was always nervous it was the "gate-way" drug, didn't want it to screw him up. So while other kids were drinking, doing worse drugs, I felt it wasn't the end of the word. At 17 and 6 months from college, all you can do is talk to him and make sure he doesn't let things get out of hand. Pot is not the end of the world. It's probably less harmful than alcohol. He's going to be on his own soon, just let him know you care and that whatever he does he needs to decide if it is the best choice for him. In some ways I feel my son got some of his partying done in HS. Now that I'm paying $100k for college, maybe the partying is less of an issue and he'll focus more on good choices.


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## turnera

pinotnoir said:


> I was always nervous it was the "gate-way" drug, didn't want it to screw him up.


Honestly, it depends on the family. The more open and honest the family, the less likely it will become a gateway drug. The more strict and ununderstanding (and "moral") a family, the more likely the kid is to reach farther for more stuff.


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## jayde

I agree that pot is probably better than alcohol. He said he had no interest in alcohol. However, pot is illegal. Period. I noticed his pot-dealing buddy was around town this past weekend. He supposed to be in college - not sure if he's just home for the weekend or maybe got kicked out of school. I just don't like that son seems to think these other friends are ok to hang with. I tell him they are not.


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## jayde

We had a snow day today. He was around the house, and playful - in his charming 17 year old manner. W has been saying I need to take him out in the winter weather and teach him how to drive in it. We went out a couple of time. First time, we encountered too many snow plows in parking lots. Second time we had a great parking lot, not very well plowed (ideal). We had a fabulous time. He was a natural about steering into the skid, etc. I thought we connected, even after me coming down hard on him last night (or maybe because I came down hard on him.) I dunno, it was all fun and I hope it lasts. And if it doesn't, he'll be the first to know.


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## Legends

It's weed I'm a law school student with their own business at 17 I smoked everyday


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## jayde

Legends said:


> It's weed I'm a law school student with their own business at 17 I smoked everyday


Good on ya mate . . . if you read through the posts and for every one of you who smoked and did ok, there's someone else who didn't fare so well. 

10 years from now, if my son's in your shoes, all cool.

Just don't know how this will fall out.

His friend got busted for dealing. Lost a lot of baseball scholarship money. Probs cost his parents at least a year in college funds for attornies' fees.

Glad it worked out for you.

So, your post was not helpful. Get back to your studies.

Obviously, you don't have children. Perhaps a good thing.


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## JimInCT

Good that you made it through law school without:

1. getting busted
2. having self control
3. not having friends that encouraged other drugs
4. keeping sane

Your one small example does not typify the overall drug experience. As such, not very useful to this thread.

Thank you nonetheless. I wish you all the success your are destined for.


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