# Wake me from my slumber



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

For some reason.. even as i drive down the road, going thru the motions of a normal, everyday life, going to get the kid from daycare, going to work, 
i dont feel like i am awake.

was it the years of denying how i truly felt towards matters? issues? knowing with all honesty beforehand that to attempt to address any issue in my marriage would have led to a stone wall, and the only recourse other than that was divorce anyways?
years of a cold and frigid bed. years of being brought to the brink of bankruptcy, years of being hated for suggesting things could be better,,, but to suggest would be to incite an argument with no real course of action to fix it, but to sit down and shut up, or divorce.

these things that I was ultimately led to believe were mere fantasy, a romanticized and immature portrayal of what i thought things should be between two who married. to be brought to the understanding that "I" was "UNREALISTIC" in my imaginings. 
So to deal with it, to refrain from appearing weak or unrealistic, i put those things away for good. I labeled them unfair to expect, i sat inside my garage with my face in my hands many times, and wondered if I had been a victim of my own misunderstanding of what is real versus what i thought should have been. 
To support that feeling within myself, i always had that shrewd tone of voice to reflect back at me my childish and unrealistic expectations of what love seemed to me.

In time, i know for all honesty, i gave up on those things. to simply maintain a bastardization of a "family" i threw those wistful and easily labeled "needy" or "high maintenance" necessities completely out the window. To forget them, to give the possibility that I was wrong about it all a chance.
This was when i began to forget myself. When I began to sleep while moving thru my days like a blur. To attend to all manners of necessity as a husband and father and caretaker and maintenance man, and provider and corner crew.
But for me, FOR me was there so very little coming back, and again to ask or explain a need was to subject myself to scorn and derision, shame and contention, humiliation and neglect.

It was as if I was asking the sun not to shine. To have the most basic of expectations was to already be faulty. So I bought into that, I second guessed everything I knew should be, to continue to attempt to hold water in my hands and not let it seep thru my fingers.

Having forgotten myself, I also forgot joy, comfort, peace, trust, hope, how to love, how to be "aware".
And it has led me to this point now where since it has been this way for so long I have forgotten what any of that looked like. It is as if I am still asleep, the days pass and I cannot force awareness of myself. I have truly forgotten who I am, what I stand for, and even if what I stood for was remotely realistic.

How mechanical it all seems now. The daily routine like a thousand days before, I stick the key in the door lock and turn. I open the door to my car and sit within. Almost without any thought at all I am suddenly driving down the road, and the scenery aroud me is a thousand blurs old. 
What day is today? I dont know if I care, really. I dont know if caring is realistic. 
The one thing that both stood for value and that brought some sort of meaning to my marriage, was my kid. 
It was as if I had been given an "o.k." from God, that this was all meant to be, that my struggles were for something, that my personal sacrifice of myself was not for the woman whom I used to call wife. 
This woman, who then found a way to make me an accessory to the destruction of the very lifeline, the very basic necessity of a safe-home, to our innocent one.

for now, the days still mull thru like the drone of an old laundry dryer. I wake up, I make the actions that seem to portray a life that is being lived, but somehow it does not seem half-real. It is as if this is some dream, and I will wake up having been in a coma for the last several months. 
So tired. Exhausted from the struggle to awaken from this. All to find I am still right there in bed, eyes closed.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I don't know man. People say it gets easier with time. I also have friends that say you will have good days and bad days. So far I'm still waiting for a good one to come.

No other option then to try and take one day at a time. Probably not very helpful.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Is this depression? You have been thought a lot going through the end of a long marriage. And the end doesn't sound like the worst part of it. Have you tried anything to get out of this mood? To re-discover who you are? The world is wide open for you right now.....but it sounds like you have checked out. I understand somewhat how you feel about giving up on what you thought to be true, and wondering what the truth really is....I have dealt with it too, but I haven't given up on the idea of happiness. I do wonder at times if I am just stupid for believing in it still. I have had many ideals shattered. But I think I would give up on life and feel much the way you do if I stopped believing. 

Maybe you need to find some hobbies? Something that interests you and force your to go do it a couple of times and see if it helps bring you some enjoyment?

BTW....I found your post almost poetic....in a sullen kind of way....but none-the-less you have some writing talent.


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