# Loosing My Mind.



## zanana1124 (Mar 3, 2012)

Today I had another anxiety attack and had seriously thought about harming myself. I am becoming more increasingly violent towards my husband. I cant get a job because I am afraid of having one while I am and do something I end of regretting.
I have a family history of a mental health problems. My brother has adjustment disorders and social anxiety My mom has bipolar and my little sister does too. I dont like to be on medication. But I know that it is something i will probably have to do.

My problem is my husband. He wants me to get help and no matter how horrible I treat him. He still wants to be with me and I cant figure out why. Part of me thinks that I should leave him for his own good but it hurts to even think about it. Should I leave until I can get my mind under control or should I stay like he wants me to do. I need all the advice I can get. Please Help!


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

You will need his love and support while you get yourself some serious medical attention so if I were you I would let him help you. But get some help ASAP.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

zanana1124 said:


> Today I had another anxiety attack and had seriously thought about harming myself. I am becoming more increasingly violent towards my husband. I cant get a job because I am afraid of having one while I am and do something I end of regretting.


I was in your shoes about four years ago. I was violent towards my H, hurting myself, and jobless. I didnt do much all day but think about how horrible my life was and how depressed I was. There's also a lot of mental health problems in my family. 

I was able to turn my life around but it took a lot of work and a long time. I took medication (adavan) for a short period of time, maybe a week or two, because I didnt know what else to do and I couldnt take the pain anymore. It was helpful in that it made me realize when I was getting out of control. After a certain point I would be so out of control that I wouldnt take the medication so I had to take it before I crossed that threshold. I had to start paying attention to the signs of me getting out of control before it was too late. The other part that it helped with was recognizing that I had to stop wanting to hurt my H. Part of me really hated my H and I wanted to hurt him. It was interesting for me to recognize that there was a certain point before I escalated where I was choosing to continue because I wanted to hurt him. Taking the medication was the first tool I had that allowed me to see that I had a choice to stop seeking revenge. Revenge can be a hard thing to let go of. 

The side effects of the medication were a terrible drowsiness and in the course of a week my anger went through the roof. So I stopped taking it. But the lasting effect was that I started to recognize when i was losing it and I was able to come up with alternative solutions to either remove myself from the situation or calm down. I also realized that I was partly choosing the behavior because I wanted to hurt him. I had to learn to let that go, too. I dont think that is something one can learn by taking medication.


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