# Can marriage survive if husband loved someone else?



## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

Looking for some outside perspective. 

I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6. 

A month ago I discovered my husband has been having affairs throughout our marriage. I know of at least 3 and seemed to be purely sexual. I had no idea at the time. He also had a ONS before we even got married. Cheated on me whilst I was pregnant!!

Latest affair with most recent AP had been going on nearly a year. I suspected and found a message on his phone. He then confessed everything, facts wise. 

Said it was all sex initially. But then found out he bought most recent AP jewellery worth over £20k as well as other expensive gifts. Confronted him and he eventually admitted he had feelings for her unlike the others, but wouldn’t talk about it. He tried to protect her identity but I did find out who she was. They met at work. He deleted all communication he’d had with her, so I guess I will never know the true nature of the relationship but clearly it was an emotional affair as well as physical. 

He did end it but at my insistence. Obviously if I hadn’t caught him he would have carried on. Not like he ended it and then told me. 

To say I am devastated is an understatement. This obviously wasn’t just a physical thing. He had been emotionally distant. Spending less time at home, working all the time. Very little physical intimacy with me for years. I am completely blindsided as I had no idea for years and now I have to deal with the fact he was potentially in love with this woman. He won’t talk about her. He’s been moody and withdrawn, I know he feels guilty but I also feel like he is missing her. We fight all the time. 

He has been remorseful and says he wants to stay, but given all this I think only for the kids. He says he loves me but I just don’t believe it. I don’t feel it. How can I? 

Even if I could eventually come to terms with a physical fling the fact the latest was different is a whole other level of pain. She is younger, very attractive. I just feel like my self esteem is on the floor. As far as I know they are NC, he has at least given me access to everything. 

I don’t want to split up our family. But I don’t see how we can continue with me feeling like he doesn’t love me. And probably never did. How can he have done if he did this?? 

He’s in counselling but I don’t know if he is committed to change or just going through the motions now he’s been caught and feels he needs to stay out of duty. He is a devoted father (all this aside!) Am I going to be checking on him for the rest of our lives? 
We argue a lot of the time and we’re not remotely close. I don’t know if there is anything worth saving. 

Is a marriage saveable if the husband potentially loved someone else? I just don’t know what’s what right now. I could probably have gotten my head around a physical thing eventually. But not sure I can handle this. 

Our children are too young to know what’s going on really but I want to do what is right for them. They adore their dad who is otherwise a good father.

I can’t believe I am even writing this.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

He’s a habitual cheater and worth staying for.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*"He has been remorseful and says he wants to stay.... "*

He has no CLUE what remorse is. 

And sorry, but therapy will do nothing for him. I don't get why people think therapy is a magic cure. It's NOT. Serial cheaters can't be reformed. I understand a couple of random ones have supposedly been reformed, but they're about as rare as hair on a bullfrog. Serial cheaters don't change.

And serial cheaters have *no* remorse - that's how they're able to continually cheat over and over and over and over again. So the LAST thing you're seeing is remorse. You'll NEVER see something like that from him.

I guess you have to decide whether you want to live with a horny frat boy for the rest of your life. But you'd better get yourself constantly checked for STDs. All this assclown has to do is bring home the cancerous kind of HPV and that will open you up to a world of hurt (to say nothing of Herpes and HIV and everything else).

Respect yourself more, OP. I'm serious. Respect yourself more than settling for this **** show.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *"He has been remorseful and says he wants to stay.... "*
> 
> He has no CLUE what remorse is.
> 
> ...


I’m reposting this so the OP can read it again. Seriously. I’m sorry this scumbag has lied to you for years, but that’s what he’s done. This will not change, he has no desire to change. He has exactly the life he wants and he is wasting yours. It’s not that he loved someone else. It’s that he never loved you.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...


It sucks being the spouse who is compared to the previous perfect spouse. 
If he can't be your husband, you need to move on.


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## armstrov (8 mo ago)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...


I don’t think the marriage is salvageable. You will never be able to trust him. You will always be checking up on him and pondering things. I know you want your kids to have their father around but when they get older and you are still with him they will see what’s going on anyway.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I don’t think it’s worth saving. What is there to save? He sounds like he doesn’t really want to be married. I think there are people who like the idea of marriage and monogamy but that’s about it. I’m sure he loves his kids but when spouses lie and cheat, they are doing it to the entire family, not just each other.

Seek some legal advice and weigh your options, but if it were me, I’d find a way to leave. He truly doesn’t sound capable of monogamy. Some people just aren’t the marrying kind.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

So sad that you have suffered such deep betrayal. Your husband has basically been with who knows how many other women for the entire marriage. You haven't mentioned it, but shouldn't you ( and he) be tested for STDs?



Lottie1111 said:


> He has been remorseful and says he wants to stay, but given all this I think only for the kids. He says he loves me but I just don’t believe it. I* don’t feel it. How can I?*


You can't. His words are meaningless.



Lottie1111 said:


> But I don’t see how we can continue with me feeling like he doesn’t love me. And probably never did. *How can he have done if he did this??*


He is selfish, thinks and cares and loves only himself.



Lottie1111 said:


> Am I going to be checking on him for the rest of our lives?


If you stay with him, the answer is obviously yes. 



Lottie1111 said:


> Is a marriage saveable if the husband potentially loved someone else?


IMO no. What would be the basis for such a marriage? I don't know what vows he took. Did he swear to forsake all others? Love you only? If so, he lied, as he has been lying to you every moment of the ten years you have been married to him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Serial cheaters don’t stop cheating until they’re no longer capable of cheating.

For as long as he’s withholding information from you, he’s not committed to your marriage or even engaging you in good faith.

Is OW married? If so tell her husband about the affair.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...


I don't know that I would believe he loves you. At least not enough not to hurt you. He can be a good father taking the kids in joint custody, so that's actually good and will give you some time for rest, leisure, work. I know it would be weird for you at first, but not really fair if you keep the kids and he doesn't have to share in the day to day responsibilities. You both can still be good parents and sharing 50/50 gives you equal chance at not messing your careers up by having to always leave work for the kids' issues. 

I know you wouldn't be on here if you felt you could stay in a loveless marriage. You will likely have all the contact you'd want with him and more just sharing custody, while that gives you an opportunity to build a new life if you want.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a serial cheater for decades. They need constant attention and validation from other women and they rarely change.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

So he cheated before you got married, then also cheated while married, and then cheated when you were pregnant with his baby and cheated throughout your marriage. This man can't be trusted and you deserve much much better.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

********** said:


> You asked if you stayed with him, would you be checking up on him always? With a serial cheater? Yes! I stayed for a while but later left for that particular reason. I didn't want to live like that for the rest of my life. Never regretted it and managed to hold onto my self-esteem. Don't let him take that away from you too. It's really really important for you going forward.


Thank you for posting. How long did you stay before you realise you couldn’t continue? I only ask as trying to make the final decision is hard. I don’t want to rush into anything whilst I’m in shock but also don’t want to prolong the agony.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

GusPolinski said:


> Serial cheaters don’t stop cheating until they’re no longer capable of cheating.
> 
> For as long as he’s withholding information from you, he’s not committed to your marriage or even engaging you in good faith.
> 
> Is OW married? If so tell her husband about the affair.


she isn’t married, I don’t know a huge amount about her but she doesn’t seem to be pursuing anything further as far as I know


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

Rus47 said:


> So sad that you have suffered such deep betrayal. Your husband has basically been with who knows how many other women for the entire marriage. You haven't mentioned it, but shouldn't you ( and he) be tested for STDs?


Yes I got tested all clear thank god. Although he wasn’t using protection with latest OW. Miracle she didn’t get pregnant as well. Blows my mind.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Counselling will make no difference sadly. He won't stop cheating and you will never be able to trust him. 
I couldnt live like that, can you? If you stay knowing what you know, he has no reason to stop because he has faced no consequences and you are still together as of now.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Lottie1111 said:


> Yes I got tested all clear thank god. Although he wasn’t using protection with latest OW. Miracle she didn’t get pregnant as well. Blows my mind.


She will eventually. She’ll get tired of plying second fiddle.

And eventually you’ll get a nasty STD. He’s not being faithful to either of you.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

As far as I know it is over with AP and she doesn’t seem to be pursuing anything. 


TexasMom1216 said:


> She will eventually. She’ll get tired of plying second fiddle.
> 
> And eventually you’ll get a nasty STD. He’s not being faithful to either of you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I doubt he is NC... he probably got another phone. He is a serial cheater. He just got found out, but that won't stop him.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

All I have to say is, his words are cheap. His current actions speak a lot louder. And frankly, it doesn't seem like he's doing much beyond what he's supposed to do.

You don't want to break up the family, but do you really want to play marriage police forever?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

...


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont see it as relevant whether he has ended it this time or not, he is still a liar and a cheat. He can have counselling till the cows come home, but its not going to give him integrity or strong moral values. If you are ok with being married to a cheater than that's fine. If you are not then you should end the marriage.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Lottie1111 said:



As far as I know it is over with AP and she doesn’t seem to be pursuing anything.

Click to expand...

*So what now, OP? Going to re-bury your head back in the sand because it feels so nice and warm around your ears?

I'm just going to say it. At one point, you were a victim of this scumbag you married. Now, you're a full-fledged *volunteer*.

I sincerely hope you find your dignity one day soon.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lottie1111 said:


> As far as I know it is over with AP and she doesn’t seem to be pursuing anything.


They have just gone underground. imknow yiu are reeling from this but yiu need to get your ducks in a row.
1. start doing the 180
2. Get counselling for yourself
3. expose him to all family and friends, this is not your shame to carry, it is his and exposure will keep him accountable
go see a lawyer to find out your options asap. He can be the father but why would yiu want to live with a serial cheater.
He will have to pay child support and maintenance.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Lottie1111 said:


> Our children are too young to know what’s going on really but I want to do what is right for them. They adore their dad who is otherwise a good father.


What's definitely not right for them, as in what's not good for them, is to see their mother unhappy because she's trying to force herself to stay with a serial philanderer because he is a "good father."


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## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

I think you cut off his contact with the wrong woman.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You said that they met at work. Does she still work at the same place he does?


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> You said that they met at work. Does she still work at the same place he does?


No she doesn’t and have verified on her linked in!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Better question - why would you want it too.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Now that it's out in the open, if you stay with him anyway, he'll know he can get away with that and a lot more going forward.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...


Your husband has done horrible things, multiple times, but the latest is by far the worst.

As to how can you save your marriage? My suggestion is that you ask your husband to ask his counselor how he can save the marriage. It is really up to him to convince you that the marriage should be saved and that he has changed. If he does come back to you with how he can save the marriage, ask to go to marriage counseling with him (maybe not to the same counselor he has been seeing) and have that marriage counselor help you set some very firm and explicit boundaries as conditions for staying married.

My suggestion for some boundaries would be complete transparancy with his phone, if he ever has contact with any of the women he has ever had sex with in the past, *if he ever gets an STD, and ANY* spending of money on other women (jewlery, gifts of any kind (except for relatives), dinners, coffee, strip clubs, prostitutes, massages, porn, cam-girls, pay services, etc.) is instant grounds for divorce with no second chances.

Ask the marriage counselor to help you change his mental perspective from the pleasure of his past flings to what he wants out of marriage in say 5, 10, 15, 20 years. Give him something to look forward to, like being part of his children growing up, being there as a family when they get married, enjoying retirement together. Have him visualize wanting to remain married to you so he realizes what he will loose if he cheats again and how luck he is that you haven't dumped him.

Of course that assumes that you don't divorce him, which based on what he has done, you have every right to do. Oh, and by the way demand that he be checked out for STD's and get yourself checked out as well.

Good luck.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You seem to think it's ok for him to have affairs as long as he doesnt fall in love. I find that puzzling because cheating is cheating. Adultery is still adultery no matter whether love is involved or not. It's still breaking his marriage vows, he is still lying to you and betraying you.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> You seem to think it's ok for him to have affairs as long as he doesnt fall in love. I find that puzzling because cheating is cheating. Adultery is still adultery no matter whether love is involved or not. It's still breaking his marriage vows, he is still lying to you and betraying you.


not at all. I obviously don’t think it’s ok! But part of me thinks that there may be something salvageable if it was just physical. Albeit with a huge amount of work his side. And not saying even then I could ultimately get over it. 

But loving someone else is different. For me that just categorically means his heart will never truly be in trying to repair this marriage. That there will never be true remorse.
So I’m just trying to get my head around it. But then I don’t know if I’ll ever ultimately know the truth.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lottie1111 said:


> not at all. I obviously don’t think it’s ok! But part of me thinks that there may be something salvageable if it was just physical. Albeit with a huge amount of work his side. And not saying even then I could ultimately get over it.
> 
> But loving someone else is different. For me that just categorically means his heart will never truly be in trying to repair this marriage. That there will never be true remorse.
> So I’m just trying to get my head around it. But then I don’t know if I’ll ever ultimately know the truth.


If he is a serial cheat and liar, which he is, I doubt very much that the marriage will ever be salvageable because he has no integrity or moral values. He cares nothing for faithfulness or promises made sadly.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Lottie1111 said:


> not at all. I obviously don’t think it’s ok! But part of me thinks that there may be something salvageable if it was just physical. Albeit with a huge amount of work his side. And not saying even then I could ultimately get over it.
> 
> But loving someone else is different. For me that just categorically means his heart will never truly be in trying to repair this marriage. That there will never be true remorse.
> So I’m just trying to get my head around it. But then I don’t know if I’ll ever ultimately know the truth.


You do know the truth. It’s just not the truth you want to hear. I’m so sorry. 🥺


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Lottie1111 said:


> not at all. I obviously don’t think it’s ok! But part of me thinks that there may be something salvageable if it was just physical. Albeit with a huge amount of work his side. And not saying even then I could ultimately get over it.
> 
> But loving someone else is different. For me that just categorically means his heart will never truly be in trying to repair this marriage. That there will never be true remorse.
> So I’m just trying to get my head around it. But then I don’t know if I’ll ever ultimately know the truth.


You do know the truth, and just about everyone who has responded do , too.
Your husband does not love you.
He will continue cheating.
These are the sad, cruel facts, the truth. We have all had to face this and it really hurts.
But, really, can you be happy while with this man? You seem to have good insight into your tolerance for this.
Do not waste your life. We all have limited time here. Staying with someone this flawed is a waste of your life.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lottie1111 said:


> not at all. I obviously don’t think it’s ok! But part of me thinks that there may be something salvageable if it was just physical. Albeit with a huge amount of work his side. And not saying even then I could ultimately get over it.
> 
> But loving someone else is different. For me that just categorically means his heart will never truly be in trying to repair this marriage. That there will never be true remorse.
> So I’m just trying to get my head around it. But then I don’t know if I’ll ever ultimately know the truth.


But even the times that his affairs were “just physical,” they weren’t “just physical” for he had to lie to you as to where he was, gamble with his own sexual health and yours by potentially passing a std onto you, and risking everything he has with you. This isn’t a loving husband.

I’m sorry you’re stuck in this.  Feeling stuck with a toxic person is a rough place to be but it’s not impossible to get out if you really want to and try.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It’s unlikely you’ll ever know the truth 100% because it doesn’t benefit him to tell you. For me, the greatest betrayal was my exH telling another woman he loved her. That wasn’t something I could dismiss.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Lottie1111

I have a different take on this than the others. You are here looking to learn and looking for answers. I can't tell you if you and your husband can ever fix this and rebuild your marriage to be good for both of you. But I do know people who have been through this with a serial cheater who was able to finally stop the cheating and they both worked together to rebuild their marriage.

You want some answers. There are some very good self-help books out that I think will help you figure all this out. If you read them and do the work they suggest, I think you will arrive at a place where you will know beyond a doubt if you should stay or leave. My suggestion is that you read the books, do the work. You husband will have to do the same. Give it, say 6 months. If in 6 months things are much much better, then you will know that filing for divorce is your only reasonable thing to do.

This book is for you to read, not your husband. It gives a map of what to do in these early stages of figuring it all out.
Surviving an Affair: Harley, Dr. Willard F. Jr., Chalmers, Dr. Jennifer Harley 

This book is mainly for your husband. Sadly, it seems that his counselor is not doing anything to guide him down a path to make up his horrible actions to you. It's his responsibility to heal you heal, to prove to you that he can be trusted going forward and the make you feel secure and safe in this marriage. Ask him to read the book and do what it says. You too would benefit from reading the book.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful: Linda J. MacDonald

These two books teach how to restructure your marriage and create a safe, passionate one. Read them in this order and do the work they suggest. Read *Love Busters* first. The idea is for the two of you to identify the love busters in your relationship and for each of you to stop any love busters. Then once you two have worked through that, then read *His Needs, Her Needs *together and do the work to rebuild your marriage from scratch. Ask him to read these books with you and to do the work with you.
Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits: Harley, Willard F. Jr.
His Needs, Her Needs: Building a Marriage That Lasts: Harley, Willard F. Jr.

If after 6 months of all this you are not feeling a LOT better about your marriage and your love for your husband is not growing, then end the marraige. If things are a lot better, then give it another 3 months, and so forth.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> @Lottie1111
> 
> I have a different take on this than the others. You are here looking to learn and looking for answers. I can't tell you if you and your husband can ever fix this and rebuild your marriage to be good for both of you. But I do know people who have been through this with a serial cheater who was able to finally stop the cheating and they both worked together to rebuild their marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much for your support. This is all very helpful. We may go to couple’s counselling at some point but right now I just feel too angry for it to be productive. He has agreed to counselling to figure out ‘why’ he’s done this, but I don’t see how you can’t know that. Especially when there’s been so many occasions over the years.


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## Lottie1111 (8 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> It’s unlikely you’ll ever know the truth 100% because it doesn’t benefit him to tell you. For me, the greatest betrayal was my exH telling another woman he loved her. That wasn’t something I could dismiss.


This is the thing. I don’t know if he said he loved her. But she certainly seemed very invested and obviously I suspect he did so whether or not it was said… I don’t know how much difference that makes.
So sorry you’ve been through this as well! How long was it before you decided to leave?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lottie1111 said:


> Thanks so much for your support. This is all very helpful. We may go to couple’s counselling at some point but right now I just feel too angry for it to be productive. He has agreed to counselling to figure out ‘why’ he’s done this, but I don’t see how you can’t know that. Especially when there’s been so many occasions over the years.


The thing is that he has done this because he wanted to and choose to. Because he doesn't value you or faithfulness. Because he is a liar. Because he cares nothing about the vows he made. Sorry but you are being very naive if you think that a few counselling sessions will make any difference. I always find it weird when cheaters go to counselling when their affairs are discovered, sorry but it's to keep the BS happy and to make sure they don't get thrown out. He has so far faced no consequences for his appalling behaviour, he is still at home and he has lost nothing so why should he stop his cheating? He can cheat and have his comfy home life as well. He knows you won't do anything.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Lottie1111 said:


> Thanks so much for your support. This is all very helpful. We may go to couple’s counselling at some point but right now I just feel too angry for it to be productive. He has agreed to counselling to figure out ‘why’ he’s done this, but I don’t see how you can’t know that. Especially when there’s been so many occasions over the years.


Thing is, this will have to take the effort of both partners who are ALL IN. You cannot reconcile by yourself. Just be careful that he's not all in as he claims to be. Actions over words


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lottie1111 said:


> Thanks so much for your support. This is all very helpful. We may go to couple’s counselling at some point but right now I just feel too angry for it to be productive. He has agreed to counselling to figure out ‘why’ he’s done this, but I don’t see how you can’t know that. Especially when there’s been so many occasions over the years.


In the book Surviving an Affair, the author addresses why cheaters get sucked into an affair. He says that we as humans have emotional needs. We feel good when our emotional needs are met. The more of our needs are met, the better we feel and the more we feel love.... and ever the more we feel loved. 

However, no one person (a spouse for example) can meet all of our needs. So, let's say there is a scale of 1-10 for needs. Normally a spouse will meet our needs at a level of 6-7. So, we feel good. When a person gets into an affair, their affair partner meets the other unmet needs. Now the cheater is having their needs met 100% and they are high as a kite emotionally because of this. This gets the cheaters feel-good hormones like dopamine being produced and up taken like crazy... kind of like a drug addict. Your husband is sort of addicted to the being spoiled by 2 women at a time... it's like a kit of cocaine.

Someone like your husband, a repeat cheater, keeps looking for that dopamine high. He cheats and he gets his high because he has two women filling his emotional needs.

Often, if the cheating spouse and the affair partner are able to be together as a full-time relationship, their relationship falls apart within a few months. Why? Because the affair partner is only meeting 3-4 of his emotional needs so he's now very unhappy. And the affair partner is not very happy that he's demanding more from her. Only about 3% of affairs turn into longer term relationships because of this.


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

He doesn't know what love is. I mean, one might love a pet poodle, our a pet rock. He might feel a burning desire on and off, call it love or call it a mental illness. Don't waste your time asking him if he loved her. 
Do you think he'll find another playmate eventually? Him and his ap, they could get in contact and start again pretty easy. It would be hotter that ever since they already got cought once. You would be exasperated.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lottie1111 said:


> cent AP had been





Lottie1111 said:


> Thanks so much for your support. This is all very helpful. We may go to couple’s counselling at some point but right now I just feel too angry for it to be productive. He has agreed to counselling to figure out ‘why’ he’s done this, but I don’t see how you can’t know that. Especially when there’s been so many occasions over the years.


There is no 'why' to be discovered. He simply is a man with a very flawed character and it is very difficult for any man esp in his 40s to change. This is not the first time he has done this, he has had longer term affairs, and he will say all what he thinks the therapist and you want to hear but fundamentally he is flawed so the cheating will stop only temporarily. Better you bite the bullet now, divorce him and start your life off again, you are young enough to do so. Get rid of the cheater and gain a life.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Sorry, but it is over. Find someone that respects you.

The quicker you start moving on down that path, the quicker you feel better.

Just remember that it is not your fault.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...


She's younger and he's probably way more invested than she is which is why he's trying to keep her around with expensive jewelry.

I mean your husband sounds like he probably doesn't care about anyone except himself and getting laid in the big picture.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Your marriage was over a long time ago, there is nothing left to save here.

It may take a while, could be many years before you accept this reality. 

The sooner the better.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Lottie1111 said:


> Looking for some outside perspective.
> 
> I am 38(f) and husband is 42(m). Been married 10 years. Have two children aged 3 and 6.
> 
> ...




He's not sorry. He probably didn't end it either.

If he did, there will be others. He's not going to stop.


The best thing for you to do for yourself and children is to divorce him and leave. Only co parent and only talk about the children.


The entire relationship was fraudulent from the beginning. It will never work out. There's nothing there. You two are like associates and roommates.

Do not raise your kids in this toxicity and toxic environment. He can still be a father when divorced.

Best thing for you and your kids is to leave. He's not going to change. He unfortunately isn't interested in you genuinely.

He just has you as a fall back. A reliable woman who will always be there for him no matter what he does and doesn't do


Please stop remaining in toxicity and unhappiness.
. please get therapy when you divorce (hope so) never go back to him again. He isn't sorry .


He's cheated the entire relationship. Even when you were dating, but you don't think highly of yourself and feel like you can't do any better, so you stayed, married him, and bypassed all of his cheating long enough to become pregnant twice by him.


You never should have continued dating or had gotten married to him. Or anything else.



I'm sorry that you're going through this.


Please get therapy after you leave.


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