# counseling session tomorrow and scared...



## grays (Jun 24, 2014)

Up until now this whole separation thing (after 25 yrs marriage, 2 children 5 and 10 yrs old) has been fueled by my husband. I was on top of the world in regards to him when he told me that he wasn't sure if he wanted to be with me anymore. That was in February. And yes there was an OW, but nothing physical, an emotional affair, I guess. For four months we slept in the same bed, and continued with all those relationship things, but then about two months ago, when he was still unsure I just couldn't take it any more and asked him to move into another room. 

In the last couple of months I've been out dancing several times a week, working hard on my social network, getting used to being alone (still in same house but no hugs, sleeping alone, no companionship, no partner). I've felt sooooo hurt and rejected and sick to my stomach, losing weight, super depressed. 

And we started MC, had two visits so far which have been spent talking about whether we are trying to save the marriage or trying to break up in a good way. Up until now, I've been saying I would do anything to save the marriage, but I THINK I'M DONE!!! I feel freaked out even saying that. I feel like it's not real. But husband has been saying things lately that make me wonder if he's kind of back tracking, like feeling more on the "I might want to be with you" side of the spectrum. And it makes me feel freaked out and disappointed almost. Like, I feel like I don't want him to back out of this separation before I am solidly over him because I am starting to like my new life (there are a bazillion reasons I don't like it, too, but there are some things I'm *really* enjoying) and I feel like anyone who would drag me through the mud like this bc he's "unsure" is not someone I should be with. Not to mention, if I'm going to have a partner, wouldn't it be nice if he wasn't totally ambivalent about me? I was CRAZY about him. I'd like to know what it feels like to have that kind of feeling requited, yk?

But I'm really scared of walking into the session tomorrow and saying that. I feel like I don't want this to be on me. He pushed me to it. And what if I change my mind on the way home. What if this is some sort of false bravado that I'm not able to see through for some reason. I feel like if I go in there and say this that it really will be over and final. Ugh...


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