# My husband has a mistress...



## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

HI all...I'm going to make this first post...and then ask some questions subsequently.

Married 22 years. 3 kids, my two from previous, one together...all of them young adults.

My husband has a mistress.

He's been flirtatious with her at times over the years, but some times heavier flirting and sometimes totally indifferent. Never anything that raised red flags that it could go deeper. 

It really ventured into problem realm this past 1.5 years. I didn't know it had become much more involved until this past autumn..and didn't know the full extent of things until December 6th, when he got so involved with her that he neglected duties on his job and lost his job. He was actually involved with her on the job at times, sometimes in the mornings before work began, sometimes meeting her after work but claiming to work late. Sometimes in the car after work. He was almost always alone with her when he was with her...and he kept her a very big secret from everyone. 

At one point she had given him medical issues. 

I stood by him through the medical issues not knowing she'd had any involvement in it. I thought it was due to other causes. I became his medical advocate and researcher and specialist locator, you name it. A lot of effort into trying to help him heal from a serious illness. Even took an emergency leave of absence from my own job, which I was not able to get back. 

I also intervened on his behalf with his boss after the job loss, when he was very ill and neurologically incapacitated, so he could at least leave that job with a glowing reference. (which is a blessing really, as prior to this he was a highly valued, trusted and honorable employee of 25 years.) 

I dont know how else to say it..but I've put up with this mistress and its accompanying BS now for quite some time. Life has been unbearable at times...and we stood (and maybe still stand) to lose everything we've worked for over the 22 yr marriage/26 yr relationship. I've Begged for MC, insisted on IC, some kind of treatment plan to resolve why he has this compulsion for her & won't give her up completely, etc. I've been extremely patient.

He can't seem to follow through. He keeps going back to her. He claims to love me and our daughter (who is in her last year of school and needs us/him). He's made hundreds of empty, broken promises. He lies about the mistress situation constantly. At times neglects the marital bed because of her or can't perform well because he's been with her prior. 

At one point recently, after my many threats of leaving (which I see were just empty threats since I stayed)...I gave an ultimatum. It wasn't even to get rid of the mistress altogether. But rather a place we could start ...was at least with honesty about her. Thats it...just No More Lies. 

Without honesty & the trust that accompanies it, nothing else can be worked on, I thought. Just a basic foundation...stop lying about her, hiding her, being secretive and we can sort it from there. Because under the lies, I kept being hopeful that things could change, that he was really trying. I told him if he continued to lie I was going to be done for good and for real.

Well, he continued to lie. Vacillated between being remorseful & begging for another chance to straighten it out... or becoming arrogant and indignant. 

I'd finally had enough and I told him I want out of this marriage. I asked for a separation and thats where we stand at this point. Neither of us can move out yet as he just started a new job (after sitting around unemployed with his mistress for 5 months)..and I've just started a new job myself. 

He's decimated our finances. He used to be a financial wiz...and made good money. I found out he cancelled our health insurance and I was VERY upset. I had to find this out from our daughter who found out when she went to an important doctors appt and was turned away. He didn't even have the ***** to tell me himself or consult me or give me/dd a chance to get our own, etc. 

He'd also started paying other bills late or not at all. Blown through our life savings. All this because he can't walk away from his mistress.

I found out what her name was (for certain) in December.

Its Alcohol.


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

26 years sober in aa. change is possible but at this point I would suggest YOU need the help of alanon. will keep you in my prayers


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

That was a very powerful post.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

chazmataz3 said:


> 26 years sober in aa. change is possible but at this point I would suggest YOU need the help of alanon. will keep you in my prayers


Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts and for the advice.

I've been to AlAnon, both in person meetings and the online meetings. Good group, good people, but not the model for me. I am in professional counseling however to deal with some of the issues that are dealt with in the peer lead AlAn groups. I am also involved in a few other online groups, both that support spouses of those who are following an abstinence model and those who are using other methods.

More on that in a moment. Son with car crisis calling.

Oh and my goodness, Congrats to you on your sobriety! Amazing imo


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm married to a career drunk. Like yours, he decimated our finances, lost a career, trashed his health, trashed what was left of our marriage, but I insisted on doing everything I could to get him sober.

The 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.

Until he wants to get sober and work a program, he will continue to lie, manipulate, and drink.

He's an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do.

Get help for yourself. Alcoholism affects every member of the family. It IS an equal-opportunity destroyer.

My guess is with a new job, he'll straighten out for awhile. He'll even insist he wouldn't have a job if he was really an alcoholic. 

I remember hearing the phrase "functioning" alcoholic, and bought into it because my H had a very good job. Then I realized sewers function quite well too ... but they're also full of sh!t.

Good for you for leaving. Detaching from the insanity is the only way to survive. Whether you decide to reconcile, remain separated, or divorce, take care of YOU.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Wow very sorry to read this. Kick this piece of crap to the curb. You can do so much better.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I'm married to a career drunk. Like yours, he decimated our finances, lost a career, trashed his health, trashed what was left of our marriage, but I insisted on doing everything I could to get him sober.
> 
> The 3 C's: You didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it.
> 
> ...


Prodigal, thank you.
Im sorry for you, for us both. Its an incredibly sad situation. 

Yes, trashed a 25 year career. At the top of his game. 

Almost lost his life, not due to the former health issues but ... He overdosed on Ambien 3 days after he lost his job. I found him locked in a small half bathroom at 8 in the morning. Long story short...he went to hospital by ambulance. He woke up at 9 that night. They kept him overnight ...and after convincing the psych consult and other doctor that it wasn't intentional (he was just trying to 'get some sleep')...they released him. 

Within days he was saying I should have just left him there to die. 

As if events leading up to that weren't traumatic enough (finding out, losing the job, etc)...that just brought me to the lowest point in life I've known. Whatever his ghosts....I didn't want him to want to die, much less actually die. The thought of him losing his life to the despair? It traumatized me in ways I am still dealing with to this day, 6 months later. 


I've had one intervention of sorts with just his family this past spring. I was out of my league in dealing with it all and frankly, needed the support for myself as much as for him. I had agreed to abide by his insistence that his health issues, be they physical or mental or both, were his own private business. That it was his story to share, should he decide to. That everyone had a right to privacy with their health issues. So okay, I respected that decision until I couldn't, for his own safety. (drunk, trying to leave in the car or just go walking off into the sunset barefoot in the cold...that kind of thing)

I am getting help. As well, no, I am not trying to "get him sober". Only he can do that. I was trying to stay supportive and encouraging while he work on it though. I don't throw in the towel with ease. Even now...I am still somewhat ambivalent at times about leaving the marriage. 

The thing is..I've always considered this man my soul mate. 26 years is a long time together, yes. But it was more than that. We had the most passionate love affair I've known...both personally or having seen in others. We were best friends on an emotional level...great sparring partners and bosom buddies on an intellectual level. This...this was the bulk of those 26 years.
We've been through a lot in that time, as most long termers have. Overcame everything that came our way. We had fidelity locked down, neither of us ever cheating (that I know of). We turned out great kids, were very dedicated. We worked goals, had lots of fun along the way. Never perfect, ever. But dedicated to each other and the marriage.

Thats why this feels like the betrayal of an affair. I've been cheated on before in my previous marriage. Might sound crazy but this feels Just Like That Did in many ways. Talk about affair fog? I mean there are a lot of similarities!

Be that as it may...I had to draw a line in the sand.

Staying in the same house, while "separated"...is an effort in crazy making. Its a temporary solution but is what it is. I'm out of the alcoholic spouse business for now. His side of the street is probably pretty lonely, as it should be. I don't ask, check, encourage, nothing. The only thing I ever say now when prompted by a message from him (coming or going) is "drive safe". 

He is trying to work a model called The Sinclair Method. We know some people who've had great success. I wish him well.

Meanwhile, something has clicked in me that I never...ever...saw coming or thought I'd see the day of.

I feel done. With him. The great love of my life. The man I'd lay down and give my life for. A man for whom previous had one of the best characters I've ever know, was the best husband and father and employee Id ever known. All gone in a blink of an eye, really.

I don't understand how ....I....could change so fast.
Thats what brings me here. Its as if a switch has been thrown.

I did something that I am also very ambivalent about. I started what could be called an EA with someone online. (not from any alcohol related sites) I can't believe it myself and the very fact that I could do that...tells me just how done I must be. Fidelity has always been a hard & fast moral code with me and my husband. But I just don't "feel" married to him anymore, even though legally we are.

Tell me TAM folk...tell me anything. I've not felt this uncertain about my life since I was a teenager fcol. Is this cheating? My husband doesn't know any specifics, though has seen me texting more and assumes. But I dont want to be the catalyst for any further impediments in his trying to get healthy..and I know this would give him a fine excuse. So I am trying to be discreet.

Yet...if I have to hide it..regardless of the reason..that leaves me feeling I"m in the wrong.

But I am incredibly lonely. Thats the truth of it. I have been for so long. In a way that gf's and family just can't reach. The kind of conversation and rapport, I guess you could say, that only chatting with the opposite sex can provide.

:::sigh:: Sorry so long.


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## lancaster (Dec 2, 2013)

As ALANON is not something your are comfortable with, have you looked into smart recovery? I prefer the 12 step programs myself, but smart does work for some people as a 12 step alternative.

Good work on the therapy.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

I know where you're coming from! I, too, have likened my hubby's "love" of alcohol as his mistress--one he'd rather trust his well-being with than me. With us, however, even though he always did like to drink--and occasionally I would consider a few episodes "abuse" of it--our trouble didn't really start until he went on an SSRI anti-depressant for anxiety 8 yrs ago (venlafaxine). It put him over the edge into what I would call a functional alcoholic. It gave him cravings which he seems incapable of managing a lot of the time. Last summer was our rock bottom (or mine, anyway). He drank ALL evenings--some beer in view of me (the "agreed upon maximum") and then the hidden stuff. I could tell he was buzzed or drunk, but he couldn't (a weird function of the drug) so he didn't see why he shouldn't be able to keep drinking. 

One night I had to call the ambulance for him. One minute he appeared barely buzzed (capable of conversation and walking straight) and literally the next minute flat on his back, having fallen off a bar stool while eating dinner--the first food of the day. His eyes rolling back in his head, not able to focus on me or talk or get up. Scary. He was still drunk when I brought him home from the ER at 5 am. A few days later, not remembering ANY of it, he convinced himself he'd simply fainted, and that's what he told his doctor. I knew something wasn't right, and we finally got to the bottom of it--his med was the root cause of how alcohol was affecting him, etc. 

We've been weaning him off the med VERY slowly so as not to cause problems for him psychologically, and the drinking seems better at least on a daily basis (he's 75% off the med at this point). I pray that when it's out of his system completely that the cravings will completely go away, but I don't think he will ever seriously consider giving up drinking altogether. He likes it too much. I love him, but can't stand the drunk (or even buzzed version of) him. I have less and less patience with him and wonder if I can do 25 yrs more of this. If only he could see himself when he drinks too much, because also thanks to the drug, he doesn't remember a lot of the stuff from when he's drinking, but I do. It's hurtful--a lot of flirting, etc. Sober, he wouldn't have been like that, but drunk and on the drug, he loses all ability to inhibit himself. And he wonders why I get mad...or have been mad...or still AM mad. He's a great guy until he drinks, then he's a sloppy, sad drunk. And he can't see it. Others can and a couple have commented on it to me. 

Anyway, just wanted to commiserate with you. It's sad that some people seem to believe the promises that this liquid lover makes to them--that THIS time, everything will be wonderful if you just drink me in again....you'll be younger, funnier, sexier, and all your troubles will simply disappear. It sure is a fickle lover, but it doesn't keep them from going back, time and time again, hoping that this time things will be different. 

I hope the Sinclair Method works for you guys. I've only heard the name--I'm off to google it now. Good luck to you and your hubby! I guess this is part of the "in sickness and in health" part that is so hard. Like you, I take my commitments seriously, but I can obviously only help so much. 

I hope that if you really want to honor yours, figure out what you want about your marriage before letting that EA get out of hand. Right now, the grass IS greener elsewhere, and a lot of it is because you're watering it by giving good attention to it. Heck, you never know what secrets that guy is hiding! I just posted about an old friend of my husband's who reconnected with him--she wanted so much more and would've taken him in a heartbeat (he was her unrequited love). Part of me would love to tell her that while she was seeing an amazing man, I was living with an over-stressed alcoholic those years. I don't think she'd have been happy for long once those rose-colored glasses got yanked off. 

For me, anyway, I'm glad to know the genesis of my husband's drinking problem and can only pray and hope that once we get him off the drug completely, the old hubby will return. I hope the same for you...find the initial reason that led him to trusting the alcohol to make him feel better and see if he can resolve that. Counseling sounds like a must.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

HOH, it is like that...one moment you think the commitment is still inside you, the next moment it's gone. Love is strong, but you can only bend something back and forth until it snaps in two.

Your husband is a seriously broken man...and he has broken you in the process. Both of you have no clue as to who you are as individuals..and your relationship is so tainted in the light of alcohol...that recovery will require a massive and complete redefinition. BUT having gone through this for so long, brokenhearted and exhausted, you may very well be done...ad no longer willing to try to invest more hope into what feels like a bottomless pit. Don't feel guilty....this is a natural response to what your husband has reaped. And truth is: even if your husband successfully kicks it, there will be an empty vacuum in his life for years to follow...at least that is what many experience.

I have always made a connection to addiction with infidelity. My wife very much behaved like an addict during her EAs...it's the same pattern as you wrote in your OP.

Take this separation very seriously as a trial to divorce. See what it feels like...especially as you tear yourself away from his issues that he is accustomed for you to try to rescue or clean up is messes. NOPE! Don't feel one guilty pang when he starts playing the mopey victim. You did everything in your power to drag him out of it and saw that did nothing...so now you set boundaries and be ready to move on with your life, being a much more healthy approach to this. It is up to you if you want to keep at it if he actually follows through with sobriety and rebuilding his marriage.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

I am 16 months sober with the help of my Higher Power and AA. My divorce will be final when the court reconvenes after the 4th of July.

I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately. I got sober and my STBXW didn't know what to do with me, and the issues I had caused in our 14 year relationship and 13 year marriage were too much for her to overcome.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You really seem to have your head on straight considering what you have been through.

I'm very impressed.


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## chazmataz3 (May 29, 2013)

wow, just wow! my ex before she divorced me said that she could forgive all the hurt but she just couldn't be around me on a daily basis as she couldn't and didn't want to be reminded of all the pain. I know of many in alanon who have lived with their drunk for many years, but each situation is different.you will figure out where your breaking point is , YOU WILL KNOW WHEN YOU GET THERE. An EA, come on girl youre better then that. PRAYERS. chuck


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

lancaster said:


> As ALANON is not something your are comfortable with, have you looked into smart recovery? I prefer the 12 step programs myself, but smart does work for some people as a 12 step alternative.
> 
> Good work on the therapy.


Thank you Lancaster, yes...I have and do read a lot of SR material  It would be safe to say..I pretty much throw everything at the wall and hope in some small ways or greater ways..it all helps!
I can't say I don't do *any* of the steps, because I do. I just leave out the 'powerless' part mostly.
I have gotten a LOT out of AlAnon though to be clear...and still go to the online message forum to read. I just don't attend the live meetings anymore.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

first thing to do is to take complete control of all financial matters... period!!

2nd point, until he hits HIS rock bottom...change will never happen.

You've picked up his slack so long now, he assumes you will always just continue to do so.

how old are you?


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

HOH, in spite of the fact that you may be absolutely done with the marriage...as long as you have that ring on your finger, an EA is cheating.

And this is something to consider...you are a recovering codependent...are you truly capable of finding a healthy relationship? You may shrug it off because the EA isn't at a serious stage, but you can get really swept up into it...and next thing you know, you have lost control...just like booze. Don't do this to yourself. I say if you are done, then get the D ball rolling...and then stay away from relationships until you thoroughly know who you are apart from an alcoholic. JMO! Blessings.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Tabitha said:


> I know where you're coming from! I, too, have likened my hubby's "love" of alcohol as his mistress--one he'd rather trust his well-being with than me. With us, however, even though he always did like to drink--and occasionally I would consider a few episodes "abuse" of it--our trouble didn't really start until he went on an SSRI anti-depressant for anxiety 8 yrs ago (venlafaxine). It put him over the edge into what I would call a functional alcoholic. It gave him cravings which he seems incapable of managing a lot of the time. Last summer was our rock bottom (or mine, anyway). He drank ALL evenings--some beer in view of me (the "agreed upon maximum") and then the hidden stuff. I could tell he was buzzed or drunk, but he couldn't (a weird function of the drug) so he didn't see why he shouldn't be able to keep drinking.
> 
> One night I had to call the ambulance for him. One minute he appeared barely buzzed (capable of conversation and walking straight) and literally the next minute flat on his back, having fallen off a bar stool while eating dinner--the first food of the day. His eyes rolling back in his head, not able to focus on me or talk or get up. Scary. He was still drunk when I brought him home from the ER at 5 am. A few days later, not remembering ANY of it, he convinced himself he'd simply fainted, and that's what he told his doctor. I knew something wasn't right, and we finally got to the bottom of it--his med was the root cause of how alcohol was affecting him, etc.
> 
> ...


((Tabitha)) Wow, super relatable post in so many ways. I will be back to address some of it shortly in fact. At this moment, I can only say thank you for sharing that...it touched me.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> HOH, in spite of the fact that you may be absolutely done with the marriage...as long as you have that ring on your finger, an EA is cheating.
> 
> And this is something to consider...you are a recovering codependent...are you truly capable of finding a healthy relationship? You may shrug it off because the EA isn't at a serious stage, but you can get really swept up into it...and next thing you know, you have lost control...just like booze. Don't do this to yourself. I say if you are done, then get the D ball rolling...and then stay away from relationships until you thoroughly know who you are apart from an alcoholic. JMO! Blessings.


thanks, FormerSelf. I really do get where you're coming from in your post. First and foremost I really do get that and all the psychological reasons behind it if we're following the typical protocol. (for lack of a better word)

I'm not sure ..and maybe its my own denial, I've no problem considering that...that I *am* co-dependent. I once was, no question about it. Recognized it..and took action to combat it. I used to be the (extended) family "go-to" person for example. For everything. Always taking care of everyone else. But I knocked that off some time ago.

I felt this was different in as much as ...well, a few reasons.
1) Operating in the blind due to many lies
2) Operating as much out of self interest (financially) for myself and my daughter as for him.
and lastly...I do happen to disagree with certain 12 step tenets. His brain was definitely impaired. The brain is an organ like any other in the body. Had he had any other brain impairment (parkinsons, alzheimers, etc)...would I just leave him to 'his side of the street'? So I truly still believe I was doing the right thing at the time in trying to be an advocate for him medically to get him the treatment he needed. 

Once I realized it had all boiled down to this insidious disease/disorder...and that choice on his part was the main thrust of regaining health, I stepped off the rollercoaster. 

So in that way...I do not feel I am codependent.

I do not wear wedding rings (had two sets, wore both, one right hand one left)

What I struggle with now is this: Is marriage what the state of <enter state here > says it is...or is marriage the vows we took before our clergy, family, friends and "higher power"? If its the latter...then I am not married, for all practical purposes. Is my obligation extended to the state I live in within the United States...or is my obligation to my own heart & soul as to whether he has irrevocably broken the marriage vows and in a sense, released ME , rather than I having released him?

I hope thats not too abstract. I know I speak in stream of consciousness style at times. But hope you at least get where I am coming from?

I do feel 'guilty', no question. But is that the 26 years talking or is it because I have reason TO feel guilty? I really don't know.

Thanks again though. Your post helped me ask a lot of pertinent questions of myself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I found I had to step away from the alcoholic and respect his right to drink himself to death.

He lost his job.

He went through, from my best estimate, over $400K in 3.5 years.

He was locked up in the hospital after found wandering aimlessly through Walmart.

He fell off a ladder while trimming a tree, fell onto a cinder block wall, broke several ribs, and punctured his lung.

He lost his license.

He was thrown in jail multiple times.

He left our dog to die from neglect.

How do I know all this? My SIL called me in a panic when she went to our house and found him literally sitting in his own sh!t. The floors, the furniture, the garage had become his toilet. It appears he just let loose when the 80-proof spirit moved him.

SIL wanted me to intervene, once again, and "knock some sense into his head like you used to." 

Nope. If his family wants to stage an intervention, I leave it to them. Frankly, I doubt they will since I was the head enabler for far too long. 

Last I heard he is living somewhere in Omaha and actually got a job with the federal government. I have no contact. I wish him well.

But I refuse to live on his side of the street. And, again, I respect his right to destroy his life in any way he desires.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

movealong said:


> I am 16 months sober with the help of my Higher Power and AA. My divorce will be final when the court reconvenes after the 4th of July.
> 
> I don't have any advice for you, unfortunately. I got sober and my STBXW didn't know what to do with me, and the issues I had caused in our 14 year relationship and 13 year marriage were too much for her to overcome.


((MoveAlong)) Major kudos to you for getting health...and Im so sorry for what you lost along the journey. I can't know *your * pain ..but I know the pain in general this wreaks in marriages. I wish you continued success and only the best.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Unique Username said:


> first thing to do is to take complete control of all financial matters... period!!
> 
> 2nd point, until he hits HIS rock bottom...change will never happen.
> 
> ...


Thanks Unique...
I have intervened financially to the point I am able to. A lot to untangle there, he has been pretty secretive with our money.
You're right, he does assume that. Very much took me for granted. I guess I took myself that way for a long time too..thats the biggest surprise of all.

I like to say...I';m 51, but I look 49, lol. 
I'm 51


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

A marriage is definitely defined by the vows...and no doubt that is may be very well irretrievably broken.

You, of all people, can discern your level of codependency/dysfunction. My concern would be running away from one disaster to another potential disaster. 

The grass does seem so much greener when you have developed an attachment to a sympathetic ear...but,all judgments aside, I look at things through the view of honor...and i always recommend in these situations that one does the honorable thing. At the same time, I can be very empathetic for your situation. 

I also take issue when men who knowingly engaged a women that is having marital problems...even when divorce is a surety. Again, all judgments aside, I perceive that is a potential crack in his character...and something you may want to factor in if you decide to take it to the next level.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I found I had to step away from the alcoholic and respect his right to drink himself to death.
> 
> He lost his job.
> 
> ...


Wow incredibly strong post ...you've really been through the thick of it.

I have ultimately told my own inlaws the same thing..if they want to know *how* he has, they have to start asking *him* and checking with him. I'm out. 

I wish them both/all well. One thing I know for certain...I know Nobody would *choose* this.

I have no doubt future generation will have a much better handle on the causes and treatments of compulsive drinking. But I won't get into that rant here...but science is on its way imo


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

FormerSelf said:


> A marriage is definitely defined by the vows...and no doubt that is may be very well irretrievably broken.
> 
> You, of all people, can discern your level of codependency/dysfunction. My concern would be running away from one disaster to another potential disaster.
> 
> ...


Good postm Former,

A lot of food for thought there and most of it sank right in. L t me chew on that a few. Gosh, seriously..in particular that last bit ::;sigh:::


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Hanging on,

You need to focus on yourself for a while. Even if you are not codependent, you are still married. Can you and your EA partner hold off until you are officially D? Even after the D, you need to get your bearings, so you don't head into another unhealthy relationship.

Your EA is most likely a rebound relationship, and you are not seeing it with 100% clear perspective. You don't want to jump from the frying pan into the fire, and that is probably what will happen if you keep up the EA.

The other person involved in the EA knows you are M, right? It doesn't matter if your H is a drunk, you are still M and the EA person is willing to be with someone who is M. That says something about them that you should not ignore.

Regarding your EA, your situation is no different than anyone else here on TAM for infidelity. First, end the M, then get in a new relationship.


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

HangingOnHope said:


> I have no doubt future generation will have a much better handle on the causes and treatments of compulsive drinking. But I won't get into that rant here...but science is on its way imo


I hope that science does conquer alcoholism. But one thing I do know, until then living the 12 Steps of AA is the best thing available today. I could not have made it through my divorce this far without drinking had it not been for AA. Even still, there have been a couple of really low spots when I thought about drinking. But, I am a logical person, and logically I know that the drinking will kill me, and if I am going to die I want to go out an easier, softer, way than dieing drunk.You know, like getting hit by a bus so it's over quickly, lol! Sorry, alcoholic humor.

I applaud you for the steps you are taking. Remember, you can only change you, and he can adjust or not, but it is not in your control.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

The EA is in my opinion, a part of the dysfunctional marriage. If you were not codependent you wouldn't have an EA.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

Hey TAM. I came back here to read my OP from 1.5 years ago. I broke my own heart reading thru the thread. Brought back a lot of pain, on multiple levels.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

HangingOnHope said:


> I'd finally had enough and I told him I want out of this marriage. I asked for a separation and thats where we stand at this point. Neither of us can move out yet as he just started a new job (after sitting around unemployed with his mistress for 5 months)..and I've just started a new job myself.


So then nothing's changed. 

You've threatened to leave many times and now you realize you were making empty threats. You've "asked" for a separation but neither one of you can leave. 

So where are you now? Same place you've always been. 

Yet expecting things to change.

Tell him to get into AA. Stop asking.


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## HangingOnHope (Oct 26, 2013)

If (and this "if" is akin to finding a unicorn)....if he ever really did get a handle on his addiction and become the man he used to be, is it too late for me? Apparently I am not the woman I used to be


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## Beenthere_Donethat (Feb 6, 2016)

Lady you get to get out. Divorce him. you cant fix him. He needs to do that for himself. He only care about himself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HangingOnHope said:


> If (and this "if" is akin to finding a unicorn)....if he ever really did get a handle on his addiction and become the man he used to be, is it too late for me? Apparently I am not the woman I used to be


Could you please give us an update on where things are right now?

Are you still with your husband? Are you divorce?

It’s hard to give input when this is not clear.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sadly he has no mistress. Alcohol is his Master. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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