# Am I being too sensitive?



## Luckyone (Apr 23, 2013)

My husband of 23 years was in an EA with an ex for the majority of our marriage. After I decided to end our marriage he finally "saw the light" and broke it off and went NC with her. We started MC (for the third time) and we have been in reconciliation for about 6 months. I am also in IC to help me cope with the fall out and the many insecurities that I have. 

Despite many bumps in the road, we have managed to keep pushing forward and have significantly improved on our marriage. He has done a lot of heavy lifting and has shown significant remorse for his actions. 

I have his email password and he has given me complete access to his cell phone which I check 1-2 a week. However, due to the nature of his job, I am unable to get access to his work email. Not being able to verify that they are no longer in contact makes it hard for me at times. Although no one can ever be 100% sure, I take his word for it based on that fact that he does seem to be genuinely remorseful and understands the pain that he has caused. 

A few months ago I noticed he was going online using a private browser. When I questioned him about it he said that it was a safety feature that he used when checking his bank account online. I am not a very savvy person when it comes to computers and the internet so I bought into his excuse but told him that I prefer that he not use that feature. Also, I thought it was a bit unusual for him to feel the need to do so since he had never instructed me to use a private browser when banking.

Last night I noticed he used the private browser again. By chance I decided to check his email and I could not log on. There was a message from his email provider saying he needed to get a new password due to a possible security breach. 

I confronted him about it and he says he has no clue why his password no longer works and immediately set up a new one and gave it to me. As for the private browsing, he said that he was checking his bank account and "forgot" that I didn't want him using the private browser. I believe I could have dealt with either of these events alone but they happened within 24 hours of each other so my mind is not in a very good place. 

We have come a long way in recovering our marriage and I don't want to see our progress go down the tubes, however, I can't ignore the pain I am feeling right now. Am I reading too much into what happened? Is using a private browser the norm when banking online. Could there be a connection?He has a history of looking at porn too but that has also supposedly stopped. Am I just overly sensitive due to his history?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Luckyone said:


> My husband of 23 years was in an EA with an ex for the majority of our marriage. After I decided to end our marriage he finally "saw the light" and broke it off and went NC with her. We started MC (for the third time) and we have been in reconciliation for about 6 months. I am also in IC to help me cope with the fall out and the many insecurities that I have.
> 
> Despite many bumps in the road, we have managed to keep pushing forward and have significantly improved on our marriage. He has done a lot of heavy lifting and has shown significant remorse for his actions.
> 
> ...


Go with your gut. It's usually right.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

That was a very long-term EA. Given that, and his odd behavior, I don't think your anxiety is unwarranted. If I were you, I would keep trying to get to the bottom of this.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Transparency is non-negotiable.

If he is sincere about his desire to fix your marriage he would be giving you his work pwd and showing you what he is doing on the private browser before he does it and anytime you ask about it. He needs to do a better job being open and transparent to rebuild the trust in your marriage.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Luckyone,

First, to help you out a bit with the technology side of it, any major commercial browser will have all the security tools necessary in order to do online banking PERFECTLY safely. Internet Explorer, Chrome, Firefox, Safari, etc. All of them work fine. So right off the bat, his excuse for using a different "private" browser is bunk.

Next, the fact that you keep calling it a "private" browser makes me think that he is using the non-trackable private function of that browser. In Internet Explorer, it is called "InPrivate Browsing" in Firefox it is called "Private Browsing Mode" and in Chrome it is called "Incognito Browsing." All that means is that his activities are not logged/tracked AT ALL. So he could visit any site, write any e-mails, messages, etc. he wants and no record of that activity is kept at all. These modes exist almost entirely for the purpose of covering up illicit activities like using porn or engaging in extra-marital relations.

I can tell you with near 100% confidence that he is intentionally deceiving you, and you've already picked up on it. There is no reason that mode, or a second browser, would be needed for secure online banking. And as you said, if it were, he might have told you about it up front. It sounds to me like what he did is he knows that you and he both usually use (for example) Internet Explorer most of the time, as that is what comes installed on your windows computer, and then he decided to install a new browser because he figured you would be familiar with it. If a "Chrome" or "Safari" or "Firefox" icon appeared one day, if you aren't tech savvy, you might not give it a second thought. Then just to be safe, he uses the private browsing function so that the activity isn't tracked. Unfortunately, unless he is some kind of internet security software engineer, there is virtually no legitimate reason to do this.


With all of that said, please understand that you can't be sure of WHAT he is trying to hide from you, only that he IS hiding something. One thing I'd like to ask is if he's had an issue with pornography? I ask because for many, if not the vast majority of men who have been exposed to porn, it very easily becomes an addiction. An addiction in every sense of the word, no different from alcoholism, gambling, habitual cheaters, etc., and the treatment for it is usually the same. Full transparency AND accountability. With the internet being the obvious main method of both his addiction (whether it be porn or the EA) and his deception, he needs to either be banned from accessing the internet altogether, or he needs to have some severe controls put in place.

There are several good accountability applications available that could be very helpful, including those that do not filter content. (Ask any heavy internet user and they HATE filters because they are so inprecise and often block legitimate content) Accountability is different. They keep track of website history and accounts that get logged into and simply create a report for another person to review, and they work regardless of whether the individual uses the private browsing mode or not.

The problem with addictions that involve the internet in any form, is that the internet is EXTREMELY EASY to use completely anonymously, and the individual engaging in that addiction often exhibits no obvious external indicators or warning signs. Imagine if an alcoholic could easily go to a special invisible bar where no one can find you, where all the drinks are free, it takes no time at all to get there, and the moment you walk out you are 100% sober. That is the kind of problem we have here.

Internet accountability software is like having a private investigator following that individual. It won't stop them from doing anything wrong, because the reality is that people who want to indulge in an addiction or cheat or abuse or whatever can easily find a way to do so. It simply removes the secrecy and the anonymity. Meaning if your husband wants to contact the old EA or surf porn, he is always free to do so, but would he still be willing to do it if he knows that doing so will get him caught? Honestly that's true of most people. If a random person were to find a backpack with $100,000 inside and could know with 100% confidence that they would not get caught by keeping it, how many people would keep it? It's an unfortunate reality that many if not most people do the "right things" in life due at least in part to a fear of being caught doing the wrong thing.

So regardless of whether there is an addiction in play here or not, your husband needs some kind of accountability if he is going to be allowed to use the internet. He can't be trusted to police himself, which is pretty darn normal for an addict. This does not mean that he doesn't love you, or want to spend the rest of his life with you. He also probably should not have access to a smartphone or tablet or video game console either, because another unfortunate truth (in this case) is that internet connected devices are almost everywhere.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Luckyone,

First, to help you out a bit with the technology side of it, any major commercial browser will have all the security tools necessary in order to do online banking PERFECTLY safely. Internet Explorer, Chrome, Firefox, Safari, etc. All of them work fine. So right off the bat, his excuse for using a different "private" browser is bunk.

Next, the fact that you keep calling it a "private" browser makes me think that he is using the non-trackable private function of that browser. In Internet Explorer, it is called "InPrivate Browsing" in Firefox it is called "Private Browsing Mode" and in Chrome it is called "Incognito Browsing." All that means is that his activities are not logged/tracked AT ALL. So he could visit any site, write any e-mails, messages, etc. he wants and no record of that activity is kept at all. These modes exist almost entirely for the purpose of covering up illicit activities like using porn or engaging in extra-marital relations.

I can tell you with near 100% confidence that he is intentionally deceiving you, and you've already picked up on it. There is no reason that mode, or a second browser, would be needed for secure online banking. And as you said, if it were, he might have told you about it up front. It sounds to me like what he did is he knows that you and he both usually use (for example) Internet Explorer most of the time, as that is what comes installed on your windows computer, and then he decided to install a new browser because he figured you would be familiar with it. If a "Chrome" or "Safari" or "Firefox" icon appeared one day, if you aren't tech savvy, you might not give it a second thought. Then just to be safe, he uses the private browsing function so that the activity isn't tracked. Unfortunately, unless he is some kind of internet security software engineer, there is virtually no legitimate reason to do this.


With all of that said, please understand that you can't be sure of WHAT he is trying to hide from you, only that he IS hiding something. One thing I'd like to ask is if he's had an issue with pornography? I ask because for many, if not the vast majority of men who have been exposed to porn, it very easily becomes an addiction. An addiction in every sense of the word, no different from alcoholism, gambling, habitual cheaters, etc., and the treatment for it is usually the same. Full transparency AND accountability. With the internet being the obvious main method of both his addiction (whether it be porn or the EA) and his deception, he needs to either be banned from accessing the internet altogether, or he needs to have some severe controls put in place.

There are several good accountability applications available that could be very helpful, including those that do not filter content. (Ask any heavy internet user and they HATE filters because they are so inprecise and often block legitimate content) Accountability is different. They keep track of website history and accounts that get logged into and simply create a report for another person to review, and they work regardless of whether the individual uses the private browsing mode or not.

The problem with addictions that involve the internet in any form, is that the internet is EXTREMELY EASY to use completely anonymously, and the individual engaging in that addiction often exhibits no obvious external indicators or warning signs. Imagine if an alcoholic could easily go to a special invisible bar where no one can find you, where all the drinks are free, it takes no time at all to get there, and the moment you walk out you are 100% sober. That is the kind of problem we have here.

Internet accountability software is like having a private investigator following that individual. It won't stop them from doing anything wrong, because the reality is that people who want to indulge in an addiction or cheat or abuse or whatever can easily find a way to do so. It simply removes the secrecy and the anonymity. Meaning if your husband wants to contact the old EA or surf porn, he is always free to do so, but would he still be willing to do it if he knows that doing so will get him caught? Honestly that's true of most people. If a random person were to find a backpack with $100,000 inside and could know with 100% confidence that they would not get caught by keeping it, how many people would keep it? It's an unfortunate reality that many if not most people do the "right things" in life due at least in part to a fear of being caught doing the wrong thing.

So regardless of whether there is an addiction in play here or not, your husband needs some kind of accountability if he is going to be allowed to use the internet. He can't be trusted to police himself, which is pretty darn normal for an addict. This does not mean that he doesn't love you, or want to spend the rest of his life with you. He also probably should not have access to a smartphone or tablet or video game console either, because another unfortunate truth (in this case) is that internet connected devices are almost everywhere.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

After an EA that lasted that long, nothing in this world would make you too sensitive. He lost any right to privacy and for you trusting what he says, years ago.


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