# Coworker?



## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

Hello everyone, I need some advice/perspective. I wasn't sure which forum to put this on, so if it needs to be moved that's fine.

I have known this coworker for a little over a year. He is 50 and I am 31 and we work in different departments but often have to work together. He is good friends with my supervisor (a male) so throughout the year he would periodically come to our department to see him and chat. Whenever my supervisor wasn't there he would come and chat with me instead. We share a lot of the same anxieties so he referred me to his psychologist, but I never went.

Fast forward to this summer, my husband tells me he wants a divorce. I am distraught and a few days later I email my coworker asking for the psychologist's name again. I have been seeing that psychologist for awhile now and he is fantastic.

My coworker, who is married, has started talking to me more, being very very open about his relationship, his unhappiness, his wife's unhappiness, etc. He has been trying to build my self-confidence, telling me not to go back to my husband, telling me I deserve better. He has a few times commented on me looking nice, noticing when I got highlights added in, etc. He checks in with me on weekends to make sure I'm doing ok -- all of this is what I viewed as nice and someone who is genuinely concerned for me...but there are a few instances that seem a little off to me.

- he has my cell phone number and had used it in the past to call about work related things, and then when my marriage crumbled called me twice to see how I was doing. We were at a training and he was sitting next to me and had his phone on the table, he went to type in my name to text me something but my name wouldn't come up, so he asked me to put in my number again. It is not a new phone, so he must have deleted it at some point.

- He will text me sometimes, but email me others. For example, on Friday he emailed me at 10:30pm a motivational message...but he could have just texted it. He seems to text only during hours where he may still be away from home and email when he is home. Sometimes those emails turn into back and forth conversations as if we had been texting anyway.

- I was having a rough day last week and I was staying late, he came to my office and stayed with me for 2 hours after work just talking. He told me he would take me to lunch the next day (we have previously only been out once for lunch and it was kind of awkward), told me not to bring my lunch, and then the next morning came to see me and bailed on our lunch plans.

-He called me to his office (not unusual since our work is related) and asked me a silly question about work then kept asking me to stay for "just another minute" but we really didn't even talk about anything, he was showing me periodically what he does...which really does not impact my work.

-We were discussing someone else's affair and he went on and on about how people have affairs, how could they lie. He said even if he got divorced he doesn't know how he could ever find someone else because that person would need to know his child comes first. He has brought this up numerous times after that day and has said no matter how hot a woman was, it wouldn't be worth ruining his marriage and starting over. But then in the same breath he says he is not happy with his wife and she has expressed the same.

- My therapist (the same one he goes to) seems to ask a lot about him during our sessions. At one point he flat out asked what the relationship was between the two of us. Then another time he made a comment about him doing extraordinary things for people he cares for but that there was no ulterior motive there.

I enjoy his company and it feels nice to have someone looking out for me during this very difficult time in my life. I love my husband and wish we could reconcile. If this coworker is simply genuinely concerned, then great. But, if his actions appear to say otherwise then I need to set up some boundaries as I am not interested in ruining a marriage. At the same time, I don't want to assume something more is there when it's not and make the situation even more awkward and complicated. Any perspectives would be much appreciated! Thanks!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

His actions do appear otherwise... what boundaries would you start with that would get you message across with clearly so that there was nothing to come back by his position and friendship with your supervisor?

Perhaps start with appreciation for his help but it's time to have some personal space to sort this out.

You really do want to stop this quickly least it drift to the harassment side of workplace policies, time to stick with company email for business wherever possible and not be called into his office as you are seeing emotional bonding in action.

As a supervisor, there are red flags all over the place on how this could go... you are wise to recognize them. 

Time to place some distance there.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Oh, and find another therapist... it is highly unprofessional and unethical for one to speak of other patient they are seeing in such a way.

Who knows what is being shared of you?

Breaks privacy laws in a most serious way.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ah, yes.
I understand. Too well.
................................................................

He is holding back.
He is waiting for something, some force, some occurrence to play this fishing reel out. His fishing reel.

Your force.

It is a passive and polite attempt to win your favor.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

Thank you for your response. I think the boundaries I would put in place have more to do with me. Because I needed someone to talk to and he was there, I kept the conversation going several times. I could have left his office that day he kept asking me to stay. I am thankful of his concern for me, but it cannot go any further than that. My supervisor is my greatest advocate and we have a strong relationship. I think I just need to start reacting differently to my coworker's actions.

My therapist is wonderful, I seriously do not know where I would be at this moment if not for him. I know sharing a therapist complicates things, but he did say he only shares with me what he has been told is ok to share with me, so I do not think anything is being shared about me to him...at least I hope not.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Oh, and find another therapist... it is highly unprofessional and unethical for one to speak of other patient they are seeing in such a way.
> 
> Who knows what is being shared of you?
> 
> Breaks privacy laws in a most serious way.


This.

I didn't like the part of your post about the counselor knowing everything about you both and asking questions during your sessions. I think you may need to set up some boundaries with the counselor and discuss this. I've been to counseling....the counselor shouldn't be playing in the middle.



SunCMars said:


> Ah, yes.
> I understand. Too well.
> ................................................................
> 
> ...




Love this metaphor about casting his fishing reel....oh my. :laugh:


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@SunCMars, yes that is what I am concerned about. He could just be genuinely concerned, maybe he senses some attraction from me to him and is wanting to stop that....but...still, there's the concern that he may just be testing the waters to see my reaction. I would never engage in an affair with a married man, and I have said that.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

Thanks @VibrantWings

In many ways I think my therapist is trying to work through some personal issues I have. It sounds cliche, but the whole left by father, neglected by father, girl spends every relationship trying to recreate that bond to find acceptance...does fit me. I am more inclined to seek acceptance from older men, but I am working on it. I think that's why the therapist was trying to gauge what the relationship is between me and my coworker to see if there was anything like that at play there.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Even if his motivations are pure, it's still inappropriate behaviour.

IMO, he's a caretaker-type, and probably doesn't have the motivation any more to be like that for his wife, so he's set his sights on you. In layman's terms, he feels important.

These are dangerous situations to be in. He's made it clear, verbally, that he's against affairs - which may be totally correct. But - at the same time, he's enjoying "being there for you" and make no mistake, if you suddenly declared your love (or lust) for him, he would take you up on that in an instant. Therefore, it wouldn't be _him_ that instigated anything with you, it would be the other way around.

How do I (potentially) know his mindset? Because I did this very thing a decade+ ago. But I also woke up and caught myself.

My previous marriage was going downhill fast, and my ex wife no longer "needed" me, so I felt empty. We had a female friend (who I also worked with, so I saw her daily without my ex wife around...) Her marriage imploded, and because we were already friends, I saw her on a daily basis, etc. I became a shoulder to cry on.

I kidded myself for far too long, IMO, that I was only being a friend to her. I mean, I WAS, but - when you get involved in, or are invited into, someone's deeply personal life like that (and they're the opposite sex), it's hard not to develop an extra bond.

In my head, I was not going to cheat on my ex wife, especially with a mutual friend. However, the reality (and I know this now) is that had she instigated something, I may very well have headed down that route. We had a strong mutual bond, were both vulnerable, and knew very intimate things about one another. We were largely in the same boat, as my ex wife wound up doing almost the exact same thing to me that her ex husband did to her, about a year later.

Throughout it all, I felt important and needed and valued - things my ex wife had stopped me from feeling. That was dangerous.

Interestingly enough, when my ex wife left for the OM, my friend was still single, and getting on with her life, post-divorce. We hung out numerous times in the ensuing months, but we actually never talked about my marriage imploding (in the same way hers did). It's not that she didn't offer that to me, it just didn't happen. Nor did anything romantic or sexual. Turned out, we really were just friends - by that time, anyway.

In a nutshell, when two people are vulnerable, it makes for a dangerous situation. In my case, much like yours, I tried to be the White Knight. I really didn't have a hidden agenda - truly. BUT. Things could have happened, very very easily. VERY easily. That's where the danger comes in.

Be careful.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Oh, and find another therapist... it is highly unprofessional and unethical for one to speak of other patient they are seeing in such a way.
> 
> Who knows what is being shared of you?
> 
> Breaks privacy laws in a most serious way.


I was wondering about this, too... Weird.

Obviously, the guy is talking about her (OP) during his sessions, and the therapist may be seeing some... obsession? with her, thus asking her about what kind of relationship this is.

I imagine it's unethical, however if he/she might have reason to be concerned (for her safety, perhaps? Hope not...) or is simply seeing inconsistencies with his words and is trying to verify events, it may be somewhat prudent.

Especially if the professional is directly tied to the place they work at.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

Thank you @alexm for sharing your story. There were so many parallels to mine that we basically could have both written that post. 

I do think he feels important by being there for me. His wife has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't need him, and he has communicated that to me. I do believe his intentions are pure but then he pulls back when something gets too close...for example, I think he genuinely wanted to be there for me that night we stayed after for 2 hours and in the moment he made plans to have lunch with me the following day, but then later that night realized that was too much so he pulled back. 

He was bullied growing up, I can tell he's very insecure about some things. I got the feeling he wanted to show me what he does on a daily basis for work so that I could be impressed.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@alexm yes I do admit that the triangle with the therapist is unusual. He is not directly tied to our place of employment. I get the feeling he's trying to determine if we have formed a bond that could enter into something more complicated if not remedied.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

So if you had a different therapist, one who didn't know the guy but was still trying to help you with your issues, do you think that therapist wouldn't be able to help you without calling up the guy and asking for his input?

I get what you're thinking but....there is still that conflict of interest. 

Going to share an experience I had...not with a therapist but a lawyer. 

When my marriage was on the rocks and I was working towards an "amicable" split with my now ex-husband, I tried to garner the services of a lawyer that was a regular customer in the repair shop where I worked. Made an appointment with him to discuss him representing me on the upcoming Monday.

Background? He was a working partner with a lawyer that was not only my ex-husband's lawyer but also his long time friend (goes back to childhood when my ex was in foster care, adopted, etc- lots of history there so that guy is OBVIOUSLY my ex's lawyer/friend if he needs representation or a referral)

I knew they work together- and was okay with that because I know professionals are to be held to a set of ethics regarding your privacy. I trusted that the lawyer I was going to see could represent me fairly/ethically/professionally after knowing him for several years. 

Imagine my surprise that weekend before my appointment when my now ex and I were arguing and he asked me why I was going to see a lawyer on Monday. 
My, my, my...news traveled through the grapevine that quickly before I even had discussed my very personal business with this guy That told me all I needed to know about him and my ideas about professionals and confidentially.

Needless to say, I didn't go to the meeting and that lawyer blew it off when my co-worker and myself questioned it being ethical for him to share that he had an appointment with me with his co-worker who is my ex's friend. 

That saying about ****ting where you eat? It's true. Someone who is employed by you, representing you, counseling you is in a trusted position. Them earning/keeping that trust is essential. 

I think what your counselor is doing smells like.... just my two cents. 

Good luck to you- I wish you much happiness in your future


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@VibrantWings

Thank you so much for sharing...I completely understand what you are saying, and I have felt uncomfortable about the situation several times. I guess I am naive in believing that he has to keep things confidential, but stories like yours really help me to see the other side of things. I guess I really should look into another therapist at this point.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lost1824 said:


> Thank you @alexm for sharing your story. There were so many parallels to mine that we basically could have both written that post.
> 
> I do think he feels important by being there for me. His wife has made it abundantly clear that she doesn't need him, and he has communicated that to me. I do believe his intentions are pure but then he pulls back when something gets too close...for example, I think he genuinely wanted to be there for me that night we stayed after for 2 hours and in the moment he made plans to have lunch with me the following day, but then later that night realized that was too much so he pulled back.
> 
> He was bullied growing up, *I can tell he's very insecure about some things*. I got the feeling he wanted to show me what he does on a daily basis for work so that I could be impressed.


It's partially that, yes. I was not bullied growing up - my ex wife did all the damage to me, lol! But I did need validation - from the opposite sex - at that point in my life. And it fell in my lap, and I ran with it.

Truly, it was not why I engaged with my friend at the beginning. I did like her, and felt like I could help, and she was more than happy to confide in me. I really was being a friend. But it fed my need for validation, which I did not know existed before that. And the cycle began.

But make no mistake, it was because she's a woman that that validation occurred for me.

It was purely non-sexual for me, throughout it all. It was about what I was missing from my own, dead-in-the-water marriage that I was getting - and that felt great. I felt validated and needed again. Very dangerous. Had she made it more than what it was, it's highly likely I would have reciprocated and engaged with her.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Your marriage is dissolving and it sound like he is looking for his to dissolve. I think this situation will only complicate your life. It does sound like he is looking for something more than a professional relationship, and it also appears he is attempting to hide it from his wife. He probably deleted you from his phone because his wife found it or was checking his phone.

No one texts motivational messages to a co-worker at 10:30 pm if they only want a professional relationship. I have seen this before in my own life with my husband when he was doing and receiving this type of thing. It's a flag in his marriage, but you already know he is unhappy.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Do you know HOW many infidelity stories I've read that started out *just like yours*?

Where the 'innocent' coworker is just SO concerned for his fellow brokenhearted coworker and always manages to 'be there' to support her, etc. etc. etc. And he uses work-related bull**** as an excuse to open a texting or emailing dialog with you and then eventually, he makes the statement they ALL make when they're thinking of crossing the line:



> ... he says he is not happy with his wife and she has expressed the same.


Honestly, your story is *so* cliche it isn't even funny.

Sad to say, but I've seen it SO many times where male co-workers suddenly come onto you once they hear you're divorcing or breaking up. It's happened to me many times but I never took any of the married losers up on their offers to provide 'company' for me since I might "get lonely." It's your vulnerability he's taking advantage of. I almost get the impression that he's struggling internally with himself about whether to try to cross the line or not and that might explain his hot and cold treatment toward you.

Whether his marriage really sucks or not is anyone's guess; but the state of his marriage has nothing to do with you, anyway. Just know that a lot of married people make this claim when they're open to cheating and think it might make someone more sympathetic - and open - towards them. 

You're vulnerable right now. Don't let him slowly ingratiate himself into your life without you even being aware it's happening. Seriously - don't. Unless you want to be one of those foolish OW who waste their lives on deadbeat married men year after year, getting absolutely *nowhere* - except DUMPED when his wife finds out. Don't waste your life like that.

And dump this quack so-called therapist you've been going to. He's a complete idiot.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@NickyT thanks for your response. I agree, the 10:30pm messages are unusual.
@She'sStillGotIt that's what I was afraid of. Because I am vulnerable right now and not typically thinking straight, I'm afraid I wasn't thinking of the situation clearly enough. Your post made me realize that before my marriage crumbled, my coworker only had glowing things to say about his wife....in fact, when he told me that he was unhappy I felt a pit in my stomach and wondered "wow if his marriage is in trouble and he spent the last 7 months saying how wonderful it was, then is anyone actually happy?"


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@alexm yes, I can see the same thing happening here. I can see the difference between stories he tells my supervisor and stories he tells me. I think he is definitely seeking validation from a woman....and admittedly, I have been providing that.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Oh, and find another therapist... it is highly unprofessional and unethical for one to speak of other patient they are seeing in such a way.
> 
> Who knows what is being shared of you?
> 
> Breaks privacy laws in a most serious way.


Be very careful. In the case of the Menendez brothers, while the police surveilled them for 2 years after the murder of their parents, it was not until the mistress of the therapist the brothers were was dumped by the therapist and she decided to go to the police. The brothers had admitted to the therapist that they murdered their parents. He told his mistress which is a breach of his professional standards. But it was not a breach of any standards of the mistress to tell the police.

Keep that is mind.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

lost1824 said:


> *I enjoy his company and it feels nice to have someone looking out for me during this very difficult time in my life. *
> 
> I love my husband and wish we could reconcile. If this coworker is simply genuinely concerned, then great. But, if his actions appear to say otherwise then I need to set up some boundaries as *I am not interested in ruining a marriage. At the same time, I don't want to assume something more is there when it's not and make the situation even more awkward and complicated.*
> 
> Any perspectives would be much appreciated! Thanks!


Lost,

Don't kid yourself... you are on a slippery slope. 

Your marriage is coming apart.
Your H has dropped a bomb on you.
Another man has shown great attention towards you and he know the state of your marriage.
You admit that you enjoy the attention even though it is crossing boundaries.

At this point you can rationalize the intent and circumstances and all that's fine... 'til the panties hit the floor.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> @SunCMars, yes that is what I am concerned about. He could just be genuinely concerned, maybe he senses some attraction from me to him and is wanting to stop that....but...still, there's the concern that he may just be testing the waters to see my reaction. *I would never engage in an affair with a married man*, and I have said that.


If you do otherwise, you will be out on a limb, with a feeble grip on your future.
And out in the cold at TAMMANY Hall.

Be cordial, friendly, not much more until, if and when, he settles his OWN affairs. Pun intended :grin2:!!

Waters that look friendly probably are. But when you get in the middle, the current may change. And if you cannot turn back, you can only go forward to an uncertain future.
Again, do not write the guy off. Just write him a 'maybe'.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> @NickyT thanks for your response. Your post made me realize that before my marriage crumbled, my coworker only had glowing things to say about his wife....in fact, when he told me that he was unhappy I felt a pit in my stomach and wondered "wow if his marriage is in trouble and he spent the last 7 months saying how wonderful it was, then is anyone actually happy?"


Before you old man hit you with, "I want a divorce" you may have had a few glowing things to say about him. The coworker is apparently interested and is keeping his options open that you may be able to fill the voids in his life. Its not mysterious or some kind of a psychological paradox. Its human nature to forage for other sources when your current source is in jeopardy. Both woen and men do it in multiple areas of their life. If you're not interested, and that's your prerogative, you can play it to your advantage by stopping the traffic without burning the bridge.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> Thank you for your response. I think the boundaries I would put in place have more to do with me. Because I needed someone to talk to and he was there, I kept the conversation going several times. I could have left his office that day he kept asking me to stay. I am thankful of his concern for me, but it cannot go any further than that. My supervisor is my greatest advocate and we have a strong relationship. I think I just need to start reacting differently to my coworker's actions.
> 
> My therapist is wonderful, I seriously do not know where I would be at this moment if not for him. I know sharing a therapist complicates things, but he did say he only shares with me what he has been told is ok to share with me, so I do not think anything is being shared about me to him...at least I hope not.


No matter how you look at it, your therapist is in the wrong. Nothing show be shared if given permission or not. If sounds like he is trying to set the two of you up on a date. 

Your missing phone number. I bet his wife caught him texting you and didn’t like it. He deleted your number in front of her then got it back from you. You might be causing problems unawares. 

Just reading what you have posted it sounds like you coworker wants more then just a friendship. Well just what it looks like to me.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> @alexm yes I do admit that the triangle with the therapist is unusual. He is not directly tied to our place of employment. I get the feeling he's trying to determine if we have formed a bond that could enter into something more complicated if not remedied.


He has no business fishing like this. Just think what he might be telling your coworker if you show any sign of liking him. “Well coworker I think she likes you, just give it another month or two. I keep feeling around and let you know.”

I would never think this but for him telling you positive things about your coworker, things he wants you to know. It would be different if he came out and said “ these are coworker’s bad traits” as well as the good ones. Just the one sidedness is so wrong when it comes from someone in a trusted position.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

1. Get a new therapist pronto. HUGE conflict of interest. 
2. Unless you have spoken directly to your co-worker's wife, you have no idea what she feels about her marriage or what is really happening. You're only hearing your co-worker's side and, well, he could be lying to garner your sympathy. You really have zero clue what their marriage is like. 
3. His talk about other coworkers' affairs is a gauge to see how you'd react. He's testing the waters with you. 

Have a talk with him. Tell him point blank that things are getting too familiar and you will keep it business only. No more "motivational texts" late at night, business only during business hours. Tell him you don't think his wife would be comfortable with your relationship, because if you were in her shoes, you wouldn't be either. 

And sorry, there's nothing sweet or kind about this man. He wants to get in your pants. He really doesn't give two ****s about you except what you can do for him sexually.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

So ... here's a question. 

IF her coworker made a move towards her, sexually or otherwise, where there was no mistaking his intentions:

Do you think she should tell the wife?

We're always advocating that when an affair happens, the BS should tell the spouse. 

Even if an affair didn't happen because they OP refused his advances, shouldn't the spouse be aware of what her husband did?

Just wondering what you all think. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to go find a wholesome woman friend to talk to.

All of the time he spends with you is time that he is not spending with his wife. 

He's married. His intentions don't matter. It's really as simple as that. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

dianaelaine59 said:


> So ... here's a question.
> 
> IF her coworker made a move towards her, sexually or otherwise, where there was no mistaking his intentions:
> 
> ...


I think she should talk to HR if that happens. Hell, I'd be talking to HR now, if only just to protect myself and get things on record.

It's tricky, as it's highly likely many other people in the workplace are seeing what's going on, and assuming (rightly or wrongly) that OP is okay with it all. If he makes a move, she cries foul, she'll probably have very little leg to stand on - unless someone (HR) knows all the details, and especially how she feels about it.

My situation all those years ago did not reach levels like this. There were no lunches, no meetings, nothing outside of work hours, no communication that wasn't face-to-face, etc. I don't think there were any hugs or physical contact, either.

Yet people in our office assumed something was up.

Better to CYA and let someone in HR know what's going on.

Also yes, the wife should know if he makes any sort of blatant moves on her. But not before HR knows.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Do you know HOW many infidelity stories I've read that started out *just like yours*?
> 
> Where the 'innocent' coworker is just SO concerned for his fellow brokenhearted coworker and always manages to 'be there' to support her, etc. etc. etc. And he uses work-related bull**** as an excuse to open a texting or emailing dialog with you and then eventually, he makes the statement they ALL make when they're thinking of crossing the line:
> 
> ...


SSGI:

You are right on the money.

Yet:
I am so glad you are not my wife.
I am very glad you are here on TAM.

You are very useful.
Maybe, not so warm. 

On second thought, more like hot lava.
Too hot to hold close.
Too hot to ignore.

Mehopes you have a chill bone. One located, mid-brain.
And a heart, able to be given in calm peace, slurry-pea to your man.

These are not criticisms, Nay....
Just hopeful, Just facts.

Note: I almost went in here and erased this post. I let it stand for personal reasons. We are supposed to express ourselves freely and openly.
All within reason.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> Because I needed someone to talk to and he was there, I kept the conversation going several times.





Satya said:


> You need to go find a wholesome woman friend to talk to.
> 
> All of the time he spends with you is time that he is not spending with his wife.
> 
> He's married. His intentions don't matter. It's really as simple as that. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.


I agree with @Satya 

You should be talking to your girlfriends, not a co-worker. That's very dangerous territory and often leads to affairs. Keep reading here on TAM; there are many stories of affairs, whether emotional, physical or both, that start with just chit chatting with a co-worker. It sounds like he's possibly developed a liking for you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I repeat my suggestion.

Tell him to sort out his own situation. 
He is looking for a branch, a limb.
A limb to grasp onto, as he lets go of his branch....his wife's arm. Her left arm, the one containing the ringed finger.

Any pluses in all this?
I can think of one.
You know each other, you are not strangers. He is twenty-five percent inside your head.
You are one-hundred percent inside his head.

It is a start point marked, thusly.
Do not begin until he reaches the finish line of his current race and marriage.

Or, not at all. Give this drama time to play out. Enjoy the attention....
And nothing more.

You know, when your mind is a-race, dizzily spinning out of control.
Where there is pain and confusion and hopelessness.

Having an admirer to talk to, one who takes your anxiety lower is not a bad thing.
Just do not let his wind and his breezy tone take you somewhere low, somewhere you do not need to be.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@RWB yes I can see that now. I think I just needed to get it all out on paper to understand really how it looks.
@SunCMars thank you. I have a very hard time believing anyone is interested in me, so I kept pushing the thought aside, but I see now how dangerous that can be as well.
@VladDracul I, unfortunately, still have glowing things to say about my husband. He is wonderful, and I think he’s going through a “I need to see what else is out there” period…which is not wonderful, but I still have nothing negative to say. Meanwhile, my coworker still acknowledges his wife’s positive attributes, but still claims to be unhappy. 
@ABHale yes, I agree that it does sometimes feel like he’s thinking we should be together and setting us up. But, other times I think he believes I’m the one with the interest and he needs to put a stop to it. Either way, I can see how it is problematic. The therapist every now and then mentions the coworker’s not so great traits, but it’s usually in passing like “oh well he’s very intense”
@lucy999 exactly, I have never even met his wife, so for all I know he could be exaggerating his situation. And regardless, even if he were unattached, I am not interested in him in that way. 
@dianaelaine59 ooo that’s a hard one. I’ve never met her, I have no idea what their life is like except from what he tells me. I’m trying to make sure it does not ever reach that level where I would have to decide to tell her or not.
@Satya understood and agreed. 
@alexm I do worry that others are seeing something. We have been to lunch once, but I think moreso people are looking at the number of times he’s in my office…especially because in the hierarchy he is at a much higher level than I am. Yes, we do need to work together at times, but not as often as his visits suggest. There has been zero physical contact.
@tropicalbeachiwish I fell into this because throughout my marriage I pushed aside my friends to support my husband’s very busy and demanding career. When this happened I literally had no one to talk to without it being something like “Hi I know we haven’t spoken in months, but can you help me out…” Unfortunately/fortunately, he was there. But I see now the issues.
@SunCMars that is part of it. He gives me confidence when at the moment I have none, and he tells me I deserve better when really I just wish my husband would change his mind. Sometimes the strength I get from those talks with the coworker is what I need to just survive my day. But I can see how this is becoming an issue (and how it already is one) and I’m glad to have come here to open my eyes more to it.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lost,

You wrote, *our post made me realize that before my marriage crumbled, my coworker only had glowing things to say about his wife....in fact, when he told me that he was unhappy I felt a pit in my stomach and wondered "wow if his marriage is in trouble and he spent the last 7 months saying how wonderful it was, then is anyone actually happy?" *

What I suspect is that this older man is a seasoned player, and his game is to get women to like him and feel sympathy for him, thus also the likely exaggerated stories about being bullied. He changed his approach when the circumstances changed. But in both cases he tried to make his life mirror yours.

His telling you his W does not care about him is a classic ploy men use to justify an affair, another version is "my wife doesn't love me" . If his W does not care about him it is more likely because she is numb from all the affairs he has had. 

The older man may also have contributed to your marriage crumbling btw, by telling you how wonderful his marriage is he planted a psychological seed which may have made you view your marriage as inferior on some level. 

Tamat


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@TAMAT Thanks for your reply. I am saddened to think of my coworker as someone so manipulative, but I can see how the signs are there. I was incredibly happy in my marriage, I thought we got it right and it was easy and we were so lucky. But, we had never been with anyone else besides each other, and he was unhappy and did not communicate it and now wants to see other people. Or he already has someone else, which is highly possible.

My coworker says that he has never had an affair, doesn't understand how people do it, and it's the one thing in his marriage that would be a deal breaker for him. He admits to getting caught up in the fantasy sometimes but then tells himself to wake up. He has said that his wife recently told him that she doesn't care if he leaves and wouldn't even need or want anything from him financially. I know he could just be saying all these things so that I do not think of him negatively.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

He likely has a crush on you, you?re 20 years younger than his wife and given that you?re open to talking, texting and maybe lunch interactions he?s maybe getting ideas of a romantic relationship. Guarantee he?s fantasizing about it at least. It?s harmless unless he crosses a line for you. He needs to know your boundaries and intentions so he won?t cross a line without consequences.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

> SunCMars thank you. I have a very hard time believing anyone is interested in me, so I kept pushing the thought aside, but I see now how dangerous that can be as well.


Here's the thing....

You are a women.
You handle yourself well in public.

You have a figure, maybe large, medium or small.
But, men figure that it contains: 

A dose of warmth.
A dose of style.
A dose of scent.
A dose of someone different.
A dose of compassion.
A dose of sighs.
A dose of, large, fervid fantasies in a man's mind.

A does of mystery, just what is it, under your eyes.
And what is between those eyes and those toes.
And those sighs. Yours and his imagined, when he explores those in-betweens.

I kept this cleaner than usual. I am improving!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you have to take care of your side of the street:

- Counseling for you, but not with a therapist who has clear conflicts of interest. Either tell the current one to wall off your cases, or find someone new.

- Keeping yourself as healthy as possible - eating as well as you can, no drinking, smoking, etc.; exercise.

- Telling OM that you are muddled right now and that you need things to be clearer, which means you need space from him so that you can focus on healing from the breakup with your H.

- Imagining what his W thinks or would think about her H's behavior with you. If your H developed this sort of relationship with a co-worker, would you be OK with that? And please don't say that the OMW doesn't care about him. You have no idea whether he is telling the truth about her or at best whether he is interpreting her behavior incorrectly. The golden rule says that you shouldn't be doing to her what you wouldn't want her doing to you. And yes, imo, you are doing it TO her.

In the end, you are most responsible for your own behavior and you have control of that here. You are not in prison or being helplessly buffeted by the winds of fate. Take a stand for yourself. Take care of you. You're the only one in this scenario who has to live with you, your mistakes, and your conscience forever


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@JayDee7 yes its harmless unless it crosses a line but not just for me, but also for him and for his wife
@SunCMars very poetic! But yes, I understand what you mean
@alte Dame I do not know at all what his wife thinks or feels...I have never met her and I know I am only getting one side of the story. I'm just relaying the things he says...but I know not to believe all of it. I'm sure my H is saying/has been saying things about me that are not true. I have started to think about what his W would think about his and my behavior, which is why I came here. I don't want to assume a man is interested in me if he's really just trying to help....but at the same time I was able to finally tell myself that some things didn't seem right.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Satya said:


> You need to go find a wholesome woman friend to talk to.
> 
> All of the time he spends with you is time that he is not spending with his wife.
> 
> He's married. His intentions don't matter. It's really as simple as that. Don't make it more complicated than it needs to be.


Yes, and tell him that you wish to keep this relationship professional. Tell him that people are talking.
He needs to sort out his own problems.

He needs to back off, and get a divorce, then come a-knockin.
Actions not words.

This is unlikely to happen. 

He is in a superior position. Not too smart on his part. HR will come talk to him if he is not keeerful.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@SunCMars I don't want him to get a divorce, I honestly don't care one way or the other, because I'm not interested in more than a friendly but professional relationship. In my extremely vulnerable moments it was nice to know that someone...anyone...cared about my well-being. I was being blamed by my family for the crumbling of my marriage (apparently I wasn't nice enough), my circle of friends had diminished through the years because of my dedication to my husband's job, and a female coworker who was very close to me left the company for another job and was having her own marital issues. He made me feel like I existed to someone...which I can now see is dangerous in itself.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lost,

I would also add that whatever emotional connection you make with this man makes it that much harder for you to reconcile with your H? 

Did your H object to this relationship you have with this man?

Tamat


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@TAMAT we didn't really have a relationship prior to my H telling me he wanted a divorce...at least not to this level. He would come and chat but it wasn't for the length of time or frequency it is now. My H never really worried about what I was doing...although now I suspect it's because he just did not care. My H does not want to reconcile, he feels that we never got to explore other people (we didn't, we only ever dated each other) and he's interested in seeing what's out there. I am still hopeful, perhaps foolishly.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OK..

Set your boundaries with him. Keep it only to business topics.
Do not make an enemy out of him. Just tell him that you are now fine. And need no more friendly help.
If necessary, get up and tell him that you have a meeting or something when he walks in.
Cut him off short. With a smile.

Good jobs are hard to find. I hope he does not push you out of this one.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

lost1824 said:


> Hello everyone, I need some advice/perspective. I wasn't sure which forum to put this on, so if it needs to be moved that's fine.
> 
> I have known this coworker for a little over a year. He is 50 and I am 31 and we work in different departments but often have to work together. He is good friends with my supervisor (a male) so throughout the year he would periodically come to our department to see him and chat. Whenever my supervisor wasn't there he would come and chat with me instead. We share a lot of the same anxieties so he referred me to his psychologist, but I never went.
> 
> ...


Yeah just what you need some shady guys (one who is married) hanging around when you are trying to recover. You know nothing good is going to come out of this, that is why you posted. Be wise and avoid it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

lost1824 said:


> @alexm I do worry that others are seeing something. We have been to lunch once, but I think moreso people are looking at the number of times he’s in my office…especially because in the hierarchy he is at a much higher level than I am. Yes, we do need to work together at times, but not as often as his visits suggest. There has been zero physical contact.


Trust me, it doesn't matter what's actually going on. It's what people want to see that can be the problem.

As I said, when it was me in this situation, there was no physical contact, either. Hell, neither of us even had an office. Or went to lunch. It was just being seen together, a lot, that did it.

People who didn't know I was married thought this woman and I were more than friends. People that knew I was married thought I was cheating with her - even though nothing that I can think of, even now, would have pointed to any of that - other than talking to each other often.

A man and a woman being friends in the workplace = 50% of that workplace thinking you're ****ing, no matter what the situation.

Add lunches, visits to somebody's office, staying late... 99% of the workplace thinks you're ****ing.

Go to HR and CYA.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@alexm very true, I never really thought of it like that despite having often thought the same thing about others -- I guess it's just natural curiosity/gossip that makes people think certain things. I do notice that if others are around or we pass one another in the hall he pretends he hardly knows me -- no acknowledgement, no hello, no speaking about anything other than the task on hand.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

others here are right, any time your married friend spends with you is time he could be spending with his wife. In a way he is already cheating on her and you are enabling that. 
I would of liked to of known how the conversation about you started between the coworker and the shrink.
Is the therapist licensed by the state, in many states they do not need to be, just hang out a sign, print up some business cards etc. Exactly what are his credentials ask to see them! I see bit RED flags popping up all over your thread. Even if he has documents hanging on the wall you should contact the state you are in and double check. Good luck!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Lost,

Another issue is that if you get involved with this man you will have either to tell you next SO that you cheated with a married man or lie to your next SO. 

This man may already have a reputation around the office you have never heard about. 

Did the man text you alot? 

Tamat


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@David51 yes he is licensed. I'm not sure if they spoke about me prior to my going to the therapist, but the day I reached out to my coworker for help, he called the therapist to tell him I would be calling, so I know they at least spoke about me by phone at that point.
@TAMAT I have no interest in getting involved with him. I needed to be sure I wasn't over-reacting by assuming there was more to his actions. He has only worked there for about 2 years...I've worked there much longer and have not heard anything really said about him. He did not text me a lot. He texted me on two separate occasions making fun of things that happened at work. When he reaches out to ask how I'm doing or to send me something motivational and it's at night he always emails instead of texting.


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## Hopeful621 (Oct 5, 2017)

I think it does sound like he is interested and testing the waters to see if you will engage in an affair.
How do you know that what you tell your therapist doesn't get back to him? Are you even comfortable talking with your therapist about what you have posted here? If not, then that should be enough of a sign to get a new doctor.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

I would bet money he is lying about how bad his relationship with his wife is. He can sense you are vulnerable and is slowly grooming you to get to you sexually. Don't be surprised, and there will be no excuse. 

Besides that what possible future could you have with this man. Not going to help your life.

Lets be honest even if he is not lying it is not appropriate for a *married* coworker to be calling you and giving you pep talks about your romantic life. It is also very possible that the guy can see you are vulnerable and is their fore looking for an opening because you may be an easy target. 

The man is married. You have not spoken to his wife and have no idea if he is telling you the truth. Nothing good will come out of this, and if you find out he was playing you and he hurt his wife because of it you are going to end up feeling worse, that's if you have a conscience.

The therapist also has a clear conflict of interest. I would bring it up to him and see what he says.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@Hopeful621 Interesting question. You're right. I would never feel comfortable bringing this topic up to my therapist. That says a great deal. Me even imagining doing that makes me very uncomfortable.
@sokillme I agree that I have no idea if he is telling the truth. Frankly, even if he is, I am not the person he should be venting to. I admit that I vented in a time of need and vulnerability and there was quite literally no one else around. I regret every moment of it, but my emotions took over. I have since stopped because once the fog cleared I realized how damaging it could be, and how damaging it already was. I do have a conscience, which is why this is weighing so heavily on me. I have put boundaries and place, but I still have a lot of work to do. It bothers me that he only started talking negatively about his marriage once he knew mine was over.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I think it’s easy to like and crave for this attention this coworker is paying you. It’s nice to feel that someone cares about you especially if your marriage is not the peaceful, safe refuge it is meant to be. I understand this because I’ve been in this position. It’s good that you are recognizing this for what it is before you developed feelings from him. 

I think you have to have an honest conversation with this coworker. Don’t feed his emails, conversations, texts. You don’t have to reply. Could you say that the company’s success is your goal, you’re focused on the best interests of the co and you don’t want to spend company time having chats and any conversation outside of company time is unprofessional? 

It’s time to put your energy and effort back onto your husband.


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@pragmaticGoddess Yes, I have stopped replying to emails. He seems to not text very often, but sends his questions and check-ins through email. So I only respond to work related emails. If we need to work together and conversations turn personal I either leave or turn the conversation back to work. I think you're right and I will need to have a candid conversation with him. 

Unfortunately, my husband and I are getting the divorce as I learned he was seeing someone else. Regardless, this coworker is married and he needs to focus on his marriage and not on my lack of a marriage.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hello Lost, sorry to have you here.

Here is my tuppence worth of observations and comments:

Your coworker is a bad (but in many cases, typical) man - he is telling you what you want to or sometimes, need to, hear in order to get into your pants. Its as simple as that. He has been grooming you from day one. Before he knew about your marital problems, his marriage was "wonderful" and he was a "wonderful" Alpha-male type of guy - of course his wife loved him, how could she not, because he was "that kind of thoughtful and sensitive" guy! When he found about your marital issues, suddenly his wife doesn't understand him anymore (or some version of that) and at the same time, "don't go back to your husband, you deserve better"etc. This is called the "wedge" technique where a predator spots a ***** in the armour or a weakness and then drives a wedge between his prey and her husband. There is nothing good or well intentioned about this POS! I would stay well away from him. You really don't need the kind of confidence he is delivering to you because it is based on weakness. You need to build your own strength.

Secondly, the therapist that he recommended doesn't sound all that fantastic either. At the very least he is "odd" and more likely, not very good at his job. Have you seen other shrinks in the past ? If not, you don't have much to compare against. I would drop him and find another.

As for your relationship with your husband, I don't know what the story is there. That is what you need to focus on first and foremost - one way or another - reconciliation or divorce. If you need to discuss it, find another (female) friend to do it with.

The fact that you are here effectively reporting this co-worker means your instincts are good and in tact. Use them to guide you in setting up boundaries and dealing with your marriage.

Take care


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## Stillasamountain (Jan 13, 2014)

> Meanwhile, my coworker still acknowledges his wife’s positive attributes, but still claims to be unhappy.



He’s blatantly fishing for a response from you and that’s part of his fishing "kit", so to speak. One of the lures. 

This is a textbook example of attempted grooming.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Well.....

He has likely been exposed. Truly un-canned.
All his innards laid out for all to see, to tally.

One good point, he wanted you.
For good, for bad.
Wanted all of you.

This shows you have value.
Your' evolving presence, this on gong process.
Your' day to day manufacture has witnessed your' value added.
You are becoming a nice commodity.

On this co-worker, I could be he.
But I am a ghost, one not really free.

Sit back and smile.
You are a wanted person, a wanted commodity.
Reminding you of this: you are not some oddity.

What he did was a dance. 
A male bird ruffling and puffing his plumage.
Dancing in circles, his head and neck going up and down.
Nothing more nothing less.

But he did find you worthy, found you desirable.
Distance yourself, but do not hate him.

Learn from his dance, and keep an eye on his ring.
Not on his chirping not on his song, not on his unique, only to him, thing.

It is nice to be wanted, methinks..

The Shell that was TheTypist


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Hold on to your dignity. I am curious about something though. If you are going through a divorce why have your conversations here on TAM revolved around this coworker and not the much bigger issue: your dying marriage?


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## lost1824 (Oct 22, 2017)

@Rick Blaine I originally came here to post about my marriage issue and did post about it, but there were too many identifying details and my husband is a public figure, so I thought better of it. In the end there was nothing I could do about my marriage, I would still fight for it today but he was and is still seeing other people both during and after.


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