# Seeking Advice and Support



## aloneathome

My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have two children, 8 and 3. The 3 y/o suffered a medical event two years ago which left him severely disabled. We've had our ups and downs: 8 years ago she was led to believe I had an affair and 2 years after that she had an emotional affair. Nonetheless, we talked about those issues and decided to keep on with our marriage and even have a second child. 

The medical event with our child really turned our lives upside down but it seemed like we were managing very well. Both of us are working professionals. 

Over the last year or so, she became entirely consumed by her phone (social media, singing apps etc.). Initially I was supportive of this outlet for her but as it took more and more time from us I started to get frustrated, hurt and upset. She would typically come home, jump on the phone and stay on it until late at night. After the kids were asleep and her being on the phone all I really could do was go outside and have some beers. There were a few occasions where I would get upset that she was on her phone but, by and large, I tried to let it go. 

About a month ago, after having some beers, her phone "dinged" while she was in the shower. I grabbed it to turn it off and saw a text message from a guy that was very flirty and talking about them going to lunch. I got upset and confronted her about it. Well, turns out it was a gay friend. But because of that and prior incidents of me getting upset over her phone consumption she said she wanted a divorce. Went to the attorneys and all but, for now, hasn't filed the papers. 

Since then, I've been trying to improve on things that she has said led up to her decision for divorce. Most importantly, I outright stopped drinking. Did start seeing a counselor and putting all of my time and attention into the kids and our family. It's not that I wasn't giving my attention to them before but now I'm doing pretty much everything around the house instead of 80%. 


We did go to a marriage counselor yesterday for the first time. I said I hope we can save our marriage, wife said she hopes that we can communicate better even if we're not married. Therapist had us play a few "finish the sentence" games, obviously to get to understand us better. Wife said she did like the therapist because there was more talking and not a push to fix this or that.

In therapy she said that she's not rushing to make a decision and she told me the other day that she's trying to have an open mind (i.e. divorce is not the foregone conclusion). But in the meantime she has told me that she doesn't want any affection because that pushes her away. Given me the "ILYBNILY" speech and how she regrets staying with me after the "affair" 8 years ago. Of course she is also hyper-defensive so anything that I say that can be mis-construed to be an attack or something negative is done so. 

I've read a few books, including "Divorce Remedy" and I'm trying to stick this out. Currently sleeping in another room - at her request. But it is not as though we can avoid daily interaction (kids need to go to school, disabled one needs to be cared for etc.). It would appear that there is some faint hope to save our marriage but some things are very challenging for me right now - especially the "no affection" thing. It's also frustrating that she still has her social outlet via the phone and I've only got our family because..well..that's what I dedicated my life to these past years. 

Like most other men: I want to save our marriage but I'm not sure what else I can do aside from, well, focus on the kids and our family, not talk about our relationship or her phone (which has been the source of all arguments over the last several months) and not make any attempts at affection - including hand-holding. 

So..yeah..there it is.


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## harrybrown

are you sure she is not having an affair?

many red flags. 

What happened 8 years ago?


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## aloneathome

8 years ago I had a high school reunion. A close friend, whom my wife never liked, and I traveled together. She later mailed me a card thanking me for treating her well... wife was certain it was an affair. 

As far as the possibility of her currently having an affair. If anything there could be an emotional affair - we go to work or we're at home. But, either way, I don't see the point in driving myself crazy at this time worrying about that because my wife already feels that I don't trust her. I should note that the phone use was, in part, facilitated by the fact that with our young one - due to his disabilities - all we've been able to do is lie in bed with him when we're at home.


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## Finding Nemo

aloneathome said:


> 8 years ago I had a high school reunion. A close friend, whom my wife never liked, and I traveled together. She later mailed me a card thanking me for treating her well... wife was certain it was an affair.
> 
> As far as the possibility of her currently having an affair. If anything there could be an emotional affair - we go to work or we're at home. But, either way, I don't see the point in driving myself crazy at this time worrying about that because my wife already feels that I don't trust her. I should note that the phone use was, in part, facilitated by the fact that with our young one - due to his disabilities - all we've been able to do is lie in bed with him when we're at home.



This is my own personal opinion, but I don't think it's necessarily the event of 8 years ago. I think this has a lot to do with having to care for someone who can't take care of themselves. Some people can embrace and accept when something terrible happens to a loved one. They are able to selfishly let go of their own life for a while. Others start feeling sorry for themselves. Oh whoa is me, this is my life. I am stuck. And then they start to act out in ways that will either get them some attention or they will do something so that they can completely be free of all responsibilities. The latter part of this sounds to me like what your wife is doing. She is projecting her sorrow onto you in an effort to get away from her responsibilities. If she is talking to someone and / or having some sort of inappropriate relationship with someone else its due to her feeling stuck. Doing nothing more than lying on the bed with your child is helping to feed this feeling of being stuck. 

It's time to get someone to watch your kiddo for a little while and start connecting with your wife again. It doesn't mean you don't love your child. This means that you are taking care of yourselves in an effort to be better parents for your child. It doesn't take a lot of time or effort. Just get her out of the house or get her doing something - with YOU (this is the key piece to this). Anything at all. Take her and eat ice cream together if nothing else. Or get someone to come in for about an hour and cook dinner for your wife, sit down and have a moment for just the two of you. Don't try to hold her hand or push the boundaries that she has set in place. Use your words and make sure that you are telling her how much you appreciate her being the mother of your children, etc. Get her mind active on something other than what's going on at home if you can. These small positive moments away from the situation are going to cause her brain to start thinking differently. With you being present in these moments she will start to see you as a positive and not a negative. 

I hope you can see where I am going with this....on her phone she sees and feels positive things happening - feel good stuff. Whether she is talking to someone else or not. You become a negative in her life because you are not helping to feed those feel good feelings. This could be where bringing up what happened 8 years ago comes from - her brain finding every reason to get rid of everything that is making her feel the negative. You have to change up the way that she is getting those feel good moments and thoughts. I am happy that she is attending counseling with you. Talking and sharing is the first step to healing. Next is putting your words into action. And it starts by reconnecting and changing those negative feelings into good ones. 

Others will be along shortly and I hope they will be able to give you some more advice on where to go from here.


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## aloneathome

Thanks Nemo. 

I'm trying that route but it's more of spending family time together because, as fate would have it, our youngest is having an easier time being taken out. 
Last night I found out she's been talking with her ex-b/f on Facebook. I did confront her about it and she said the following, contradictory things:
1. I told you I wanted a divorce and if I stay I'm not committed
2. Then she made a big deal about how she said she would go to the marriage counselor and she hasn't made up her mind and doesn't have anyone waiting in the wings

I didn't get upset. I told her I was disappointed but, for the sake of our kids and family, I was committed to making it work. Asked her today why she seems more open to trying. She clarified my question as: are you asking why do I (her) seem more optimistic? "because you stopped with the affection pushing after meeting with counselor. And it shows you're listening"

So I'm completely confused. Contradictory statements but seems like some room for optimism. Of course, I'm trying to
counter balance my time and attention to her with pulling back some....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aloneathome

*I'm updating this as both a personal journal and for anyone reading this now or in the future*

So we had a good day together as a family. The night before I saw some of the exchanges with her ex-b/f and I had told her to sleep
downstairs by herself so I could have my time with our boys. Prior to this I had told her that I was okay letting her sleep upstairs with our youngest because I knew she found comfort in that and it was my gesture of optimism for R. So, today, in the morning we (the boys) all woke up early and figured I'd do what we always do: go out, grab breakfast and go home. My older one said he wanted to stop at the beach and since I hadn't heard from her, she was asleep when we left, I thought it would be fine. About 1/2 hour later I get a text message from her saying "so shall I plan on being by myself today?...". I called her Immediately and was a little upset. She knew that we had agreed on several activities for the day and it was another case of her twisting things. I told her all
of the above (just grabbing breakfast, impromptu beach run etc). Went home picked her up and told her that she needs to stop with the exaggerations. She explained that she was upset to find us all gone. I told her to stop with exaggerations and if she wants to really try and make this work then she needed to, in the immediate, calm down simply thank me for getting her breakfast and move on with the day. Spent the whole day together as a family. By evening we were walking around our town and just talking. After coming home she said she'd take her food and go downstairs. I told her to sleep upstairs with the boys (allergy issue for her and upstairs is better). She offered for me to put on a movie. I asked if she had a good day together and she said she did. So I declined the movie offer to preserve the positives of the day and went for a run. Stopped at the local skate park to post these thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

When was the last time that you and your wife spent time together, just the two of you?

How often do you two go out on dates?


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## aloneathome

EleGirl said:


> When was the last time that you and your wife spent time together, just the two of you?
> 
> How often do you two go out on dates?


We rarely have gotten to go out just together. We are spending a lot more time together since the D issue came up. But it is, again, challenging with the "no affection"
thing and having everything I say that relates to us being taking negatively.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> The night before I saw some of the exchanges with her ex-b/f and I had told her to sleep downstairs by herself so I could have my time with our boys




You need to work on yourself so that you can be stronger. Your wife has said a lot of very hurtful things to you and now she is talking to her ex-B/F? If you want to compromise your manhood then that is your business but *my advice is for you to get stronger so that you can be OK with her or without her*. You cannot control her and you should quit trying to please her and then please yourself. She has already told you




> 1.	I told you I wanted a divorce and if I stay I'm not committed




*Do you really want to keep getting talked to like that and have your wife communicating with her ex-B/F.?* You seem weak to me and need to get stronger!


*Who wants to be emotionally involved and married to a woman that wants to divorce you and talks with her ex-B/F?*


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## EleGirl

aloneathome said:


> We rarely have gotten to go out just together. We are spending a lot more time together since the D issue came up. But it is, again, challenging with the "no affection" thing and having everything I say that relates to us being taking negatively.


I figured that you would say that you two do not spend much time together. Your answer says everything about why your marriage is failing and why she is so unhappy.



Read the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It's going to explain what is going on with the two of you.


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## aloneathome

Mr Blunt said:


> You need to work on yourself so that you can be stronger. Your wife has said a lot of very hurtful things to you and now she is talking to her ex-B/F? If you want to compromise your manhood then that is your business but *my advice is for you to get stronger so that you can be OK with her or without her*. You cannot control her and you should quit trying to please her and then please yourself. She has already told you
> 
> 
> Right now it sucks, no doubt. But the thing our oldest boy loved and cherishes the most is his "family" (mom, dad and brother). If it wasn't for that and the youngest one's situation I'd be fine walking away. However, their happiness is more important than my "manhood" IMHO.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> *Do you really want to keep getting talked to like that and have your wife communicating with her ex-B/F.?* You seem weak to me and need to get stronger!
> 
> 
> *Who wants to be emotionally involved and married to a woman that wants to divorce you and talks with her ex-B/F?*


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt

> *By Aloneathome*
> Right now it sucks, no doubt. But the thing our oldest boy loved and cherishes the most is his "family" (mom, dad and brother). If it wasn't for that and the youngest one's situation I'd be fine walking away. However, *their happiness is more important than my "manhood" IMHO.*



Their happiness will be tarnished by an emotionally hurt father and a mother that does not want to be emotionally involved with their father, tells her husband that she wants a divorce and is not committed to him, and talks with her ex-BF IMHO


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## aloneathome

Just an update:

Over the last month, I've remained committed to my family and trying to save the marriage. The days and weeks have been spent throwing all of my time and attention to both my family and my wife. Getting out, as a family, as much as possible and trying to pretend as if the whole divorce thing never existed. Ignored her various digs and just showed true love, caring, compassion and companionship. There have been a few hiccups along the way but I've also been, polite, but firm about not accepting abuse ("digs") from her. One example: told her that each time she takes a dig it comes with a penalty of her having to give me a kiss. 

Three nights ago she finally began sleeping beside me and last night she told me that while she has the papers she has chosen not to sign them, is placing it on hold and I'm now "out of solitary confinement and on probation". The fact that she has gone from being 95% certain she wants a divorce to now placing it on hold, starting to show affection and acknowledging she wants my time and attention all seem to be very positive indicators. FWIW - 3 weeks ago, it seemed like there was nothing I could do that was right or would make her happy. 

Will update as things, hopefully, maintain this forward positive momentum.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964

Ummmmmm, your wife's cheating on you, you know. Classic behaviour is to turn the tables and blame you for it, citing marriage problems and giving you the ILBNILWY speech. The whole reason you don't trust her is that you saw another mans text flirting with her, and she's fvckbooking with former boyfriends!!!! Do you seriously believe that guy is gay?? You have every reason NOT to trust her. With you out of the way (ie sleeping in another room) she's free to spend her bedtime doing whatever she wants online with whomever she wants.

The reason she's not signing the papers right now is that she's using you. She may have had a falling out with OM and you're the backup plan for now, or she may be genuinely enjoying the attention you're giving her. Either way, it won't last.

Other marriage sites advise that you should 'nice' your way back into her heart, but that is pretty much always a short term solution, if anything.


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## lenzi

aloneathome said:


> About a month ago, after having some beers, her phone "dinged" while she was in the shower. I grabbed it to turn it off and saw a text message from a guy that was very flirty and talking about them going to lunch. I got upset and confronted her about it. Well, turns out it was a gay friend.


How do you know it was a gay friend? Because that's what she _told you?_

Yeah, that's what I thought. That's one of the oldest lines in the book. 

Cheating spouse: (laughing) "He's no threat to you he's ____"

Fill in the blank. "old" "ugly" "gay" "married" "impotent".

Yeah, cheaters lie. I know it's natural to want to accept what she tells you as the truth because it feels a lot better than the alternative..


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## aloneathome

lenzi said:


> How do you know it was a gay friend? Because that's what she _told you?_
> 
> Yeah, that's what I thought. That's one of the oldest lines in the book.
> 
> Cheating spouse: (laughing) "He's no threat to you he's ____"
> 
> Fill in the blank. "old" "ugly" "gay" "married" "impotent".
> 
> Yeah, cheaters lie. I know it's natural to want to accept what she tells you as the truth because it feels a lot better than the alternative..


Well, I know the one guy is truly gay. Regarding the ex-b/f: not sure how they'd be having an affair because all of our free time has been spent together over the last month and during work we've been going to lunch together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

Ok maybe no physical affair then.

One less thing to be concerned with I guess.


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## aloneathome

I suppose an update is in order; should someone who is going through what I went through reads this. 

After nearly 4 months of absolute hell living with someone who
didn't even remotely resemble the person I fell in love with and built a family with and could barely utter anything nice or positive I was informed, last week, that she had "closed" the case with her attorney. Yay! 

It has been and will continue to be difficult, at times, but things are finally returning to a "normal"
state. Even get the occasional "love you" from her. 

What did I do? Time, time and more time. Constant reassurance of my love for her - even when it wasn't wanted. Not in a pushy way - just if I did something that she really appreciated I would remind her that it was because I loved her. Did take some time to
improve myself: when the family was taken care of and she was ready for bed (ie I was to go to my "apartment" downstairs) I'd let her know I was off to
to workout. I just kept being the father and husband I am. But, again, gave her more attention instead of doing housework, yardwork or something. Would let her know that, eventually, those things need to be done. That lead to talks about balancing. Which lead to her opening up about what she needed. Which allowed me some emotional
room to work with and things moved towards improvement. We started being more intimate a month ago. Now, for the most part, things are great. There are still rough days where she'll be a little distant etc. but, obviously, the biggest issue has been put to rest.

We were even able to have a civilized discussion about the phone use and she has really improved on that. I think it's most likely that she was beginning to have an unintentional
emotional affair.

In sum my advice, from this experience, would be: if you TRULY love your spouse and are going through something like this then it will require more of
you than you think you can give BUT don't give up. Be consistent. Even in the hardest of times you have to maintain your hope. It may not workout. But it might. There were days, weeks, where I was certain we were done for but I just kept on. You ARE wrong. YOU are at fault. In their minds, at least. You love your spouse? Deal
with it and accept it for now. Wait until the time is right to discuss the issue. But you can't talk to them about that stuff while they're in "exit" mode. If their concerns are legitimate then you know what you need to fix. If you think they're way off base, again: accept their point of view, for now, or LEAVE and accept the consequences.


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