# Thinking about way too many things



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Here goes the basics: 
I'm not sure what I want to do yet. I guess for all intents and purposes my husband and I could be considered separated at this point because he is living 4 hours away for school. So it's giving me a lot of time to think.

I don't know if my husband loves me, I don't know if he has or will. Nothing seems to make him happy, and while I often think it's me that did something, I think it is him just being a negative person. I wish it was a phase we were going through, but it's been almost 4 years. 

Right now, he has 2.5 years left of school. I had been taking courses slowly because I work 40 hours a week and I was paying out of pocket (no student loans or any financial aid). I have 12 credit hours for my associates and want to work towards my bachelors and then further into masters (at least). I do fear that my husband will decide to just not return to me or our daughter once he finishes school. In which case there would be so much regret on my end on a financial stand point. 

I'm not sure what to do to cover my butt here. Main thoughts are that my husband bought our home before we were married, we are underwater on this house so badly....I do not want this house if we divorce because of it. Before we married he was making a decent income, but decided to leave his job for a lower paying one for experience in the field he wanted to study. So I've been the main source of income and since he left for school, he has barely worked so I've been shouldering all of our financial obligations. I almost want to just stop paying the mortgage if I decide to leave. I know the foreclosure process takes a while, I could probably live in the house for months and save money for a fresh start with my daughter. (That makes me sound like a horrible person). 

I mean, the thing is that I'm paying for everything while he is in school. He doesn't provide anything to our home or our family (and *****es that I spend $100 in groceries each week to feed myself, my daughter, and my sister who stays with me 3 days a week for childcare purposes). And if he graduates and leaves us, then he would have gotten away with what would have been 4 years of child support, and me paying for his home so he didn't foreclose while he was away at school. PLUS I would have wasted 4 years that I could have gone to school for myself.  I'm just frustrated with this situation, breaking down. 

I don't want to mess up financially if I decided leave. I especially don't want to mess up when my daughter is involved.


----------



## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

First, sorry that you are here. I have seen a couple of your posts, I am not sure why you stay with your husband. I will just give a couple of thoughts.



H30 said:


> I had been taking courses slowly because I work 40 hours a week and I was paying out of pocket (no student loans or any financial aid). I have 12 credit hours for my associates and want to work towards my bachelors and then further into masters (at least).


Don't quite working on you! An education will make you much more marketable. Not to mention it shows who you are to be able to tackle a full time job, raise a family, and go to school at the same time.




H30 said:


> I'm not sure what to do to cover my butt here. Main thoughts are that my husband bought our home before we were married


Well the house problem is solved. The home is a pre-marital asset of his and will return to him in a divorce. Since you have been paying the mortgage, you would be entitled to half of any equity built up in the home since marriage. If it is underwater, you really would not get much if anything.



H30 said:


> Before we married he was making a decent income, but decided to leave his job for a lower paying one for experience in the field he wanted to study.


For the purpose of child support, you could request that since he has a proven higher income potential his income be inputed at the higher rate.

As for his complaints about your spending, why do you listen since he is not supporting your family at all?


I understand about not wanting to make a mistake financially, but there is no easy road if you go the divorce route. Both people involved will need to figure out a way to make a living and support a household of their own. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. If you can make it now, you will be able to make it on your own.


----------



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

H30 said:


> Here goes the basics:
> I'm not sure what I want to do yet.
> 
> I don't know if my husband loves me, I don't know if he has or will.


Out of everything that you wrote, those are the two lines that stick out to me. The rest is financial junk that can be worked out when you file paperwork.

Those lines are the root of your issue. My wife has said that she viewed me as a negative person but I never saw it until she sat down and gave me very specific items that she viewed as my negativity. I made some changes and I think she will agree that I have improved in that area.

If you don't know that he has loved you or does love you then you two need to solve that between yourselves first. If there is love but it isn't being focused correctly then you can fix that. If you two are just hanging out being financially stable then you both need to cut your losses.

I can only assume that he comes home on the weekends or does he just stay gone for a semester at a time? Are you sure he doesn't view his pursuit of a better education and better job in the future as his version of loving you? At one point my wife thought that of me and my job. I worked hard and made money because I loved her and wanted her to be secure, all she really wanted was for me to be with her and make her feel secure. Once again, we loved each other but in different ways.

Why not find a counselor halfway between you two or one that sees patients as night or on the weekends and talk some of this out?


----------



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Kolors said:


> If you don't know that he has loved you or does love you then you two need to solve that between yourselves first. If there is love but it isn't being focused correctly then you can fix that. If you two are just hanging out being financially stable then you both need to cut your losses.
> 
> I can only assume that he comes home on the weekends or does he just stay gone for a semester at a time? Are you sure he doesn't view his pursuit of a better education and better job in the future as his version of loving you? At one point my wife thought that of me and my job. I worked hard and made money because I loved her and wanted her to be secure, all she really wanted was for me to be with her and make her feel secure. Once again, we loved each other but in different ways.
> 
> Why not find a counselor halfway between you two or one that sees patients as night or on the weekends and talk some of this out?


This is why I struggle. His uncertainty about me/us came about when our daughter was born. He used to say he loved me (but because of self esteem issues, I always was afraid that he didn't). Now I have worked on myself a lot and tried to get my self esteem up with out him (I have even seen his actions as a set back for me in that aspect), but it's been almost 4 years of not getting "I love you" (he said it once when he thought I was asleep after sex). We went to a counselor when the problems started, and it didn't really seem to help all that much. It wouldn't be as much as an issue if I was certain that all of his freaking out was because of being a provider and fulfilling his goals, but I'm not sure that he thinks that much that he wants to stay after he's done with school. 

This fall semester of his we have been emailing and skyping and talking about some of our issues. He usually visits maybe once a month during fall because of breaks, but spring last year he only came home during his spring break. He was with us for most of the summer, minus 3 weeks he had to go back for internship. He wasn't much help though, he had his gallbladder removed and spent most of his time playing video games.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Tough call, with no easy answer. I had something similar when I had to commit to supporting my wife through her school and spending $4,000 on her braces, which admittedly I had told her we could do the year prior, but then caught her in an affair. What to do?

Ultimately for me, I decided that I could care less about the money. I'm not extremely well off financially by any stretch. I have a 2 bedroom townhouse and we each have ten year old cars, with a lot of student loan debt. $4K is not a small number for me, nor was the part time job I took to help support her through school for four years now. But in the end I decided that I did not want to look back and feel like I valued money more than my marriage. As tough as it was, they are all relatively small numbers compared to what I'll make in my lifetime, and I value my family more than anything else that money could have bought.

I'm not saying my choice is the right choice for everyone, and my marital issues were very different too. I guess my advice would just be to consider how you'll look back on this choice in your life and how regretful would you really be if you choose to trust him and be betrayed, worst case scenario.


----------



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> Tough call, with no easy answer. I had something similar when I had to commit to supporting my wife through her school and spending $4,000 on her braces, which admittedly I had told her we could do the year prior, but then caught her in an affair. What to do?
> 
> Ultimately for me, I decided that I could care less about the money. I'm not extremely well off financially by any stretch. I have a 2 bedroom townhouse and we each have ten year old cars, with a lot of student loan debt. $4K is not a small number for me, nor was the part time job I took to help support her through school for four years now. But in the end I decided that I did not want to look back and feel like I valued money more than my marriage. As tough as it was, they are all relatively small numbers compared to what I'll make in my lifetime, and I value my family more than anything else that money could have bought.
> 
> I'm not saying my choice is the right choice for everyone, and my marital issues were very different too. I guess my advice would just be to consider how you'll look back on this choice in your life and how regretful would you really be if you choose to trust him and be betrayed, worst case scenario.


 This is a huge fear. Especially since I am taking a break from school to support the family. And while financially as a family it is beneficial for him to finish school first (his degree is pretty much guaranteed 6 figure 
income....and I want to be a nutritionist and therapist). Should he decide to leave once he is finished with school...there is no guarantee I will be able to finish my schooling, I would get screwed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

So he bought the house but you are paying the mortgage on the house? What does he contribute on a weekly basis to your daughter's living expenses? I seems completely ludicrous to me that he is off somewhere going to school and not contributing to his child's upbringing. Doesn't matter if he's in school. You have a child you take care of that child and sometimes it means that you can't go to school full time because you have this committment. So from what you have said in your initial post it appears he is not contributing at all? Perhaps he thinks because he bought the house he has given you a place to live? If he does make a 6 figure income he will be paying child support will he not? Regardless of whether you are together or separate. So wouldn't you be better off to be happy and getting child support than to be miserable and living with him?


----------



## H30 (Nov 23, 2013)

Keenwa said:


> So he bought the house but you are paying the mortgage on the house? What does he contribute on a weekly basis to your daughter's living expenses? I seems completely ludicrous to me that he is off somewhere going to school and not contributing to his child's upbringing. Doesn't matter if he's in school. You have a child you take care of that child and sometimes it means that you can't go to school full time because you have this committment. So from what you have said in your initial post it appears he is not contributing at all? Perhaps he thinks because he bought the house he has given you a place to live? If he does make a 6 figure income he will be paying child support will he not? Regardless of whether you are together or separate. So wouldn't you be better off to be happy and getting child support than to be miserable and living with him?


Right now, no, he doesn't contribute. That will be fine if we stay together . I just don't know if he really wants to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

