# Wife having EA with long time friend, can't let it go



## ProudPapa (Dec 14, 2012)

First post here. Wife of 17 years a month and a half ago hit me with the head slap -- she hasn't been happy for some time (re: 2 years) as we have been growing apart. Financial issues, her business failing, stuff. Anyway -- she hooked up with a friend from her high school days recently. Seems he was going through a divorce and leaned on her. She is now involved in an EA with him.

So she started out as wanting to go to counciling to fix our marriage problems. She said she would stop seeing him. That lasted four days before she posted something on FB and he texted her. They have been seeing each other about 2x per week since, with texting and FB messaging daily. She isn't "hiding" it from me either, she lets me know when they are meeting up.

We have been in counciling since she told me. Four weeks with one councilor until we decided she was just spinning our wheels. We started 2 weeks ago with another one, who we both feel has a better handle on our problems and how to deal with them.

Unfortunately the councilor has stated that we need to "wean" her off her emotional dependence on the OM , but .. she can't let go of the "romantic" love she feels for him. She also cannot walk away from our marriage .. and yes, that means the marriage not me. For me it's the old "I love you but am not in love with you" routine.

So I'm trying to be patient. I'm trying to play by the rules the councilor set forth -- don't talk about the "issue" since we have beat it to death and both know what it is. Spend time together just talking, find things to discuss that are outside our standard stuff. Also have to play by the rules my wife set forth -- no intimacy or contact as it makes her uncomfortable and she ends up wanting to run to him when she gets that uncomfortable.

Last week she went to talk with him about what the councilor had said about her leaving him. I had thought it was to cut him out of our life, but all she did was "prep" him for the possibilty. So according to her he will "do whatever she asks -- she just hasn't asked". Back to square one for us both -- which is being in limbo. She won't commit to him, won't commit to us, can't decide.

It seems forever since this all started, but it's really only been 6 weeks. I'm trying to be patient, keep my chin up, keep my anger from showing, keeping the pain from making me a head case, and hoping the counciling begins to take some effect. I'm also trying to fix all the little things that I know were my contribution to us growing apart -- like not spending hours in on-line gaming, but instead helping with housework, waiting on dinner till she gets home (she works evenings), spending time just talking / being together.

So far there aren't any signs she is thawing, but I see in forum post folks struggling for months or years. Is that pretty much expected?

Any advice? Seems like all I can do is continue on being here for me, my kids and her; continue with counciling, and work on re-establishing some sort of life of my own. 

I could really use some encouragement, any words of advice, anything.....


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

If you act like a doormat you'll be treated like a doormat. You need to tell her what is expected of her or you will leave. There is no way the EA won't become a PA if you just let them keep meeting. If you act like a man she may start to see you as one again and become attracted to you again.

I'm not saying you should be an a$$hole. Just stand up for yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you need yet another counselor. The 'weaning' business is very bad news. Your W needs to cut off all contact with her OM for you to have a chance. I think to a person you will hear that here.


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## ProudPapa (Dec 14, 2012)

Thanks confusedFather. Easy to say 'tell her you'll leave" -- but quite a bit harder for me to do. We have four children, whom I cannot and will not walk away from. If she chooses to do so that is her choice.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Fire the counselor, they are an enabler. You've seen yourself that she isn't any closer to ending the EA than when you began counselling.

You don't wean off and affair. You end it because it's better than ending your marriage.

Has the OM an wife or gf? You need to contact them.

You need to clearly tell your wife there are only two people in a marriage and a relationship and right now there are three.

Btw, how do you know it hasn't gone physical? If she's got such romantic attraction to him, and sees him alone for hours each week, it's very likely gone physical. It's only natural to do that with someone you are o attracted to.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

ProudPapa said:


> Thanks confusedFather. Easy to say 'tell her you'll leave" -- but quite a bit harder for me to do. We have four children, whom I cannot and will not walk away from. If she chooses to do so that is her choice.


No don't t ell her to leave. But do expose the affair to friends and family, especially those of the OM. Tell them he's wrecking a home with 4 kids.


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> No don't t ell her to leave. But do expose the affair to friends and family, especially those of the OM. Tell them he's wrecking a home with 4 kids.


:iagree:

she will get pi$$ed be forewarned. 

Id then tell her its either you or him and mean it.Dont drag out the conversation or be pushy or rude just be polite but firm.

also your counselor is right about the not talking about it, enjoy time together thing , but flat out wrong about the weaning


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

ProudPapa said:


> First post here. Wife of 17 years a month and a half ago hit me with the head slap -- she hasn't been happy for some time (re: 2 years) as we have been growing apart. Financial issues, her business failing, stuff. Anyway -- she hooked up with a friend from her high school days recently. Seems he was going through a divorce and leaned on her. She is now involved in an EA with him.
> 
> So she started out as wanting to go to counciling to fix our marriage problems. She said she would stop seeing him. That lasted four days before she posted something on FB and he texted her. They have been seeing each other about 2x per week since, with texting and FB messaging daily. She isn't "hiding" it from me either, she lets me know when they are meeting up.
> 
> ...


It is not an EA. Only one thing you can do. Throw her out and file D. You most take action. Why are you being a fool letting her be with another man. 

Everything is defined by action. Take action. You can stop the D later but the longer she plays the game the worse it will be.

Expose her A to everyone. Do not play games, you will loose.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Get the book Not Just Friends, the book was written by a nationally recognized researcher into infidelity, Shirley Glass. The book is very detailed, soup-to-nuts, and contains a great deal of insight into how emotional affairs start, function, and end. A link to the google excerpts is in my signature--take a look at the table of contents, you'll quickly see why the book is so relevant to your situation.

also read these pages from Dr. Harley

Coping with Infidelity: The End (Part 2)


Do you know what your wife is doing? She is dating your potential replacement. She is doing it openly and in your face. Do you realize how disrespectful this is? This is not about your honor. This is about the fact that most women must respect a man in order to stay in love with him. Allowing her to date while still married is just about the biggest romantic love killer I can think of. It means you won't fight for her or the marriage, so she may as well...date your replacement.

Realize that her contact with him has become an infatuation--a very powerfully addictive emotional state. She won't quit on her own--ALMOST NO ONE IN HER SITUATION IS STRONG ENOUGH TO DO THAT. The reason is simple--infatuation is the start of every romantic relationship, and (I've said this a few times before) it's a biological, hormonal trick to perpetuate the species.

Only an outside force showing her that this is not in her best interest will get her to stop. In your situation, this--and brace yourself here--means _filing_ for divorce. People get very upset at the mere thought of filing. But filing is NOT divorcing--many divorces never go through, and they can be delayed or withdrawn.

She has to live with the consequences of her choices.

Oh, and one last thing--research the OM. You never know what might turn up in terms of a criminal record, finances, marriages, etc.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You need to straight up stop sharing your wife. Give her an ultimatum, you and the kids, or the piece of **** (use those exact words). Give her no time to dither, this has gone on for far too long. She has not had to choose, so she won't. That's no good for anybody. If she makes the wrong choice, then follow through starting right then. It may not be legal to throw her out of the house, but you can kick her out of the bedroom. Throw all of her stuff out of the room, and put an exterior lockset in the door. Separate your finances. Deactivate any joint credit cards. Give her harsh consequenses for stealing energy and effort from your family. Put a cost on those actions. Expose and put a cost to the OM for seeing your wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You also need to aggressively interfere with their meeting up. Either refuse to give her free time to meet him, or follow her when she does. If she goes into his house, then sit outside on the public street waiting for her to come out. If they go to a nice romantic restaurant , then go there too. C block the OM.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Also, you have a front row seat into why marriage counseling is a waste of time until your wife agrees to cease all contact with this man, permanently.

I should know--spent 6+ months and $$$ on counseling, all while my H was in an emotional affair.

Counseling doesn't shake people out of affairs.

First the affair must be ended because of consequences

Then withdrawal from the strong escapist / fantasy / infatuation qualities

Then they will start to see the light and counseling can have some positive effects.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You also need to aggressively interfere with their meeting up. Either refuse to give her free time to meet him, or follow her when she does. If she goes into his house, then sit outside on the public street waiting for her to come out. If they go to a nice romantic restaurant , then go there too. C block the OM.


Yep--you have four kids. Who takes care of them while she's dating the OM?

Are you playing "babysitter?" Are you in any way picking up the slack at home because she's not fulfilling her share of what's generally required to take care of such a busy household?

If so, then you are enabling her activities.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

In addition up baby sitting, who is paying for the make up and new clothes she is buying to look attractive for him?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Never wait to see what somebody else is going to do with you. You need to act in your own interest, decisively, and you need to act now. You need to consult an attorney to get your legal affairs in order and plan for the future. You need to move on with your children, regardless of what she does. You CANNOT control her, SHE will do what she does.....PERIOD. Once you have consulted with an attorney you need to establish your borders, she will either live with you inside them or she will live outside them by herself. 

Playing second fiddle to some other fellow is not a good example for your children and extremely unhealthy for you. If you are not in shape, then come up with an exercise plan. This is very important, considering the stress you are under right now. Be honest and frank with her, don't avoid the issue, nor become overly emotional (as best you can). Let her know you will survive without her. She should understand that living with you is something to be cherished, not what you can provide, but you personally. DON'T let her disrespect you in this way, CARPE DIEM.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

If they are meeting up in person it's more than an EA. It's gone physical.

Just because she tells you that they are meeting in advance does'nt make it innocent.

That's a smokescreen.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You also need to aggressively interfere with their meeting up. Either refuse to give her free time to meet him, or follow her when she does. If she goes into his house, then sit outside on the public street waiting for her to come out. If they go to a nice romantic restaurant , then go there too. C block the OM.


Eh for lack of a better [email protected] and manup!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

ProudPapa said:


> First post here. Wife of 17 years a month and a half ago hit me with the head slap -- she hasn't been happy for some time (re: 2 years) as we have been growing apart. Financial issues, her business failing, stuff. Anyway -- she hooked up with a friend from her high school days recently. Seems he was going through a divorce and leaned on her. She is now involved in an EA with him.
> 
> So she started out as wanting to go to counciling to fix our marriage problems. She said she would stop seeing him. That lasted four days before she posted something on FB and he texted her. They have been seeing each other about 2x per week since, with texting and FB messaging daily. She isn't "hiding" it from me either, she lets me know when they are meeting up.
> 
> ...



What the f*ck did I read? 

Do you also realize the very likely possibility that they are having sex with one another ?

You are living in a one sided open marriage. Why not make it completely open ? 

Start seeing someone else. Would she agree to that?




> Easy to say 'tell her you'll leave" -- but quite a bit harder for me to do. We have four children, whom I cannot and will not walk away from. If she chooses to do so that is her choice.


You are mistaken if you think this is standing up for the family.

Let's say if a husband is physically abusing his wife, would she be breaking up the family if she files for divorce ?

Your logic is just as bad as that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Definitely get rid of the counselor and definitely give your wife some ultimatums. And no, you don't leave. Never. She does. She is the one who is choosing another man over her family. Let her leave.

And as for doing more to keep your side of the marriage up, this is good but should have started a long time ago. There is nothing more lonely than being in a marriage, in a house, a home, on your own. With your partner doing what he likes when he likes, no help, no support, sitting on his ass while you do everything that needs doing. Like when you are at work and everyone is busy apart from that lazy ass who rides on everyone else's effort. Not good. This, for me, is a massive passion killer. And the love disappears. But now you are doing more (BTW do the things in the house with her. Not just you doing on your own and her on her own. Do them together) and it is totally unappreciated, because she is now looking outside the marriage instead of inside, you need to sit her down and ask her what she wants. Does she want you to go back to how you are? Continue making effort? If she likes the effort then she needs to make the effort too.

And you HAVE to tell her that you will no longer be with someone who wishes to be with someone else. It ends now. Be prepared to lose her (this has a 2 way effect. It means you will not cow tow to her demands that are unreasonable, you will be strong in your demands, it let's her know you mean business, and it makes her make her decision, i.e. stops the limbo). If she wants him, she leaves. If she wants you, she leaves him. Permanently.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

What would you say to someone who was diagnosed with cancer but refused radiation or chemotherapy?

Yeah radiation and chemo have side effects but the end result can often save a life ESPECIALLY if caught early.

You are jeopardizing your family - the very thing you don't want to lose by not applying the right " therapy". 

Save your money on MC - it just gives her affair the air of legitimacy. And unless the OM joins you in MC there's no point in counseling - he IS a part of your marriage (a) because she wants him to be & (b) because you allow it.

Tell her that she can do what she wants AND SO CAN YOU!

So the next time she tells you she's going to "see" him you WILL pack her krap in grarbage bags and drop them off at his doorstep. Tell her to expect that - and mean every word. See a lawyer about your rights.

Think of it as radiation rx.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your counselor is horrible. Your conselor is telling you both that YOU are the person that needs to swallow your feelings and she is the person that gets to live a great life of having two men meeting her needs. I am quite frankly shocked by this advice and how bad it is.

You do not threaten to leave, leave or go anywhere. You tell your wife she has two choices. Choice 1 is to never contact this person again and remain married to you. Choice 2 is to continue contact with him and lose her marriage. Ask her to make a decision within 24 hours. When she comes back and does not commit to no contact, then you help her pack her bags and leave. YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE... The rules are she is stepping out of the marraige, you are wanting to keep the marriage, she leaves, you stay.

Exposure... The reason you do this is to have her entire social group put pressure on her to stick with her family.

Please read everything on this website about affairs, exposure, making a plan before you do anything. Your counselor is giving you terrible advice.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Maybe the next time your wife decides to meet up with this "old friend" that she starts thinking more about those 4 children of hers so she can decide if this guy is worth losing her marriage over and destroying her family. You need to keep this in mind: if you ever decide to divorce, it will not be your fault that the family is torn apart. The fault will lie with her. She needs to be shamed into giving this up, or if you cannot live with the idea of your wife giving all of her feelings to another man then you need to pull the trigger and D. 

How has your sex life been? Did she cut you off because she has feelings for the OM? Do you know for a fact that this relationship is strictly emotional? If the two of them are physically meeting up, chances are good that the affair went physical at least one time - even if it's kissing, hugging or feeling each other up.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Hicks said:


> Your counselor is horrible. Your conselor is telling you both that YOU are the person that needs to swallow your feelings and she is the person that gets to live a great life of having two men meeting her needs. I am quite frankly shocked by this advice and how bad it is.
> 
> You do not threaten to leave, leave or go anywhere. You tell your wife she has two choices. Choice 1 is to never contact this person again and remain married to you. Choice 2 is to continue contact with him and lose her marriage. Ask her to make a decision within 24 hours. When she comes back and does not commit to no contact, then you help her pack her bags and leave. YOU DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE... The rules are she is stepping out of the marraige, you are wanting to keep the marriage, she leaves, you stay.
> 
> ...


One correction, you give her 24 seconds at most, not hours, not minutes, SECONDS!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Until the OM is completely out of the picture and no longer has influence on the dynamics of this marriage all is lost!

Start making this affair inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible. You can not nice you way out of this while the emotional connection continues to grow between WW and OM.

The madder WW gets the better job you are doing in stressing the affair.

Remember to always stay calm, never beg for the marriage, and have the up most confidence that you will not share your wife and will and can find a women that will respect you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Proud,

Your counselor stinks and you're wasting money on counseling while there are 3 people in your marriage

Do as the others have said. DEMAND no contact and full transpery NOW before even thinking about any more counciling

EXPOSE to everyone!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Exposure is a good tactic as long as you ask other for "support for the marriage" and why.
You don't want to come aff as the vendictive bad guy but a man asking for others to support you in repairing a marriage.

If in fact the OM is *not* going throw a divorce you need to talk to OMW. Again asking for her support for both marrigaes.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It just screams PA.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

the guy said:


> If in fact the OM is *not* going throw a divorce you need to talk to OMW. Again asking for her support for both marrigaes.


Yes, this may not be the case here, but you'd be surprised how often the OM / OW turns out to be quite legally married and still living at home. If you haven't verified this yourself, check up. You should run a background check on him anyhow, as I think I said before--you never know what will turn up.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

confusedFather said:


> If you act like a doormat you'll be treated like a doormat. You need to tell her what is expected of her or you will leave. There is no way the EA won't become a PA if you just let them keep meeting. If you act like a man she may start to see you as one again and become attracted to you again.
> 
> I'm not saying you should be an a$$hole. Just stand up for yourself.


:iagree:

This is the truth. You need to get off of your ass and do something to stop it. Interfere with the affair, don't make it easy for them to meet. Expose to everyone, show up at their meetings. Do something.


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