# Am I just a *****?



## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Why is it like this? 
Why do I WANT to be happy, WANT to be nice and WANT to laugh at things my fiance says, but everytime we're in the moment of anything just "us" I find myself working against him. I have to mentally coach myself to remind myself he is my other half?!??!!?

I love him to death. I'm pregnant. It was like this when I wasn't pregnant just no where near as bad. We work together, and barely ever get a break.. I get along really well with anyone, but i have to TRY to get along with him. 

I have severe past relationship issues, so I know that's part of it.. But really? Don't even want to look at him sometimes? I am SO sick of feeling in a black mood towards him all the timem and I can tell he's tired of it too.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes you sound like a real gem. 

don't worry keep it up and he will leave eventually. could be next year or 10 years from now but it will happen.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Yeah, I was totally looking for sarcasm. 

I'm lookng for someone who might have some advise, as I obviously don't WANT to be like this.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Anything in your area that offers classes or arts and crafts? You could look into getting some sort of hobby. As much as I love my fiance, I can't be around someone ALL.THE.TIME. Find something you enjoy doing and try to get out on your own a few hours a week. That could improve your mood towards him.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

It sounds like you have some issues you need to take care of with a therapist. They won't get better on their own. Go see a psychologist who can help you sort yourself out. Your issues will also impact your mothering, so it's well worth it to figure out your stuff.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure, thank you.. I've hit a wall with finding something for myself to do outside of work.. I want to find something new but I'm still looking for what that could be. 

Laurae, I go to Therapy for past issues for sure, and it helps. I am continuing to go, but am hoping him and I can start going together as a couple. 

Anyone out there with personal experience?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Shyner99 said:


> Yeah, I was totally looking for sarcasm.
> 
> I'm lookng for someone who might have some advise, as I obviously don't WANT to be like this.


that wasn't sarcasm its the truth!

well the good news is that change comes from within.and you are trying to make it better. now figure out why you resent him and try to forgive him. look at him and all the good qualities he has.

your also prego"s and that dose a number on some women all the extra hormones just cause some women to act even more b*t*hy.

start by apologising to him and giving him a suprise BJ.then ask him if he can put up with your crazy hormones.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

How far along are you in your pregnancy? Maybe some sort of swimming class or something? If you get your docs okay.

I ended up having real issues with my ex husband working from home, I was stay at home mom and when he started working at home, he was always there. It really got to the point where there were days upon days where he wouldn't leave the house. So I'd take the kids and go to my moms or I put the kids in swimming classes or even went to the park(summer) and a play place at the mall(winter). It really gets to some people when someone is around every spare second together. I've never been the type of person who couldn't have a few hours of personal time, even if it's just cleaning the house alone.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

ScaredandUnsure said:


> How far along are you in your pregnancy? Maybe some sort of swimming class or something? If you get your docs okay.
> 
> I ended up having real issues with my ex husband working from home, I was stay at home mom and when he started working at home, he was always there. It really got to the point where there were days upon days where he wouldn't leave the house. So I'd take the kids and go to my moms or I put the kids in swimming classes or even went to the park(summer) and a play place at the mall(winter). It really gets to some people when someone is around every spare second together. I've never been the type of person who couldn't have a few hours of personal time, even if it's just cleaning the house alone.




I'm five months along. I was working out 5/7 days a week to get some alone time and then ended up with a bad cold so I've not gone back yet. Things were a little better when I was doing that, but the workout gym is on my condo building so it was only an hour and a half to myself. His "therapy" is video games, but he only wants to play if I'm playing with him/ I have to suggest he plays alone and then I go do my own thing. 

I'll be working from home when baby is born and I hope that makes it better. I'm not usually the type of person that needs alone time, but maybe that's because I've never been in this type of relationship. Work together, live together, lunch at work together... Phew. 

Think it'll make it better, or are there underlying issues making it worse? I was never like this with the exes that were awful to me, lol. It's irony, and frustrating.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Wow, that's a lot of together time and no personal time for either of you. 

Yeah I'd just have him play video games alone and you do your own thing, that way you'll both have time to concentrate on yourselves. I would suggest sticking with therapy, I was slapped with some really bad PPD after my twins came along, and never got treated for it, then when my youngest came along 15 months later, I became really depressed to the point where I started thinking about suicide. At that point I did go in for therapy and an anti depressant. 

Hopefully you will find something that will help you with your issues (past and present) and can focus on your little family in a healthy way 

Good Luck!
And congrats on the baby.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

There is nothing wrong with wanting/needing personal time. Maybe making more "you" time will help alleviate the problem. And encouraging your husband to have more "him" time should also help.

Another layer might be how you have operated in relatioships in the past and now. You said you were with a string of crappy men before your husband and you never had a problem feeling like you had to TRY to be nice with them. That's probably because you had to constantly try to win them over.

This makes me think that you are not comfortable RECEIVING love. With the other guys, you had to be the one who was the giver because they were emotionally selfish. Now that you are with a man who is more giving (the type of guy you probably said you wanted when you were with the other guys), you are not as comfortable. Receiving love is just as scary and requiring of trust as giving love....in fact, sometimes more challenging, because it requires you to be vulnerable. 

If you aren't making progress in therapy, switch therapists. Psychologists are usually a better bet than other types of therapists.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> This makes me think that you are not comfortable RECEIVING love. With the other guys, you had to be the one who was the giver because they were emotionally selfish. Now that you are with a man who is more giving (the type of guy you probably said you wanted when you were with the other guys), you are not as comfortable. Receiving love is just as scary and requiring of trust as giving love....in fact, sometimes more challenging, because it requires you to be vulnerable.


This is bang on. Thank you.. Now to figure out how to reverse these issues..


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Why did you get pregnant then? That makes zero sense.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Why did you get pregnant then? That makes zero sense.


Eh? Your question makes zero sense.. 

Have you ever known that you're meant to be with someone, and then been with that person and gone through things with that person and knew you'd make it through but wanted advice as to how to make it through with only going forward with the relationship? 

What a narrow minded comment. Are you the type that goes through issues and divorces them because you can't see a way to make it through? 

I have been separated before, after 4 years of "trying" and going through hell. I know what being with people and not feeling like you're meant to be with them but still trying because you're young... I also know what feeling what unconditional love feels like.. 

I feel sorry for you


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## LBG (Nov 22, 2011)

Are you resenting him for anything (it may be very minor)? Also, I agree you need some time for you. I find myself feeling this way if we are constantly together for periods of time, once I take a break and to out with the girls and take some time away from him I'm much better. Just because you get married doesn't mean that lose your personal identity. What were you interested in before or now? Try to get back to you not just you &Hatfield him. You should still be you in the marriage but have your own interests/hobbies. Besides it'll make you more interesting to him too and give you more to talk about together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

LBG said:


> Are you resenting him for anything (it may be very minor)? Also, I agree you need some time for you. I find myself feeling this way if we are constantly together for periods of time, once I take a break and to out with the girls and take some time away from him I'm much better. Just because you get married doesn't mean that lose your personal identity. What were you interested in before or now? Try to get back to you not just you &Hatfield him. You should still be you in the marriage but have your own interests/hobbies. Besides it'll make you more interesting to him too and give you more to talk about together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


LBG, I can't think of anything I'm resenting him for. I just need more time alone than he does. It's a balance act, and we're getting there. 

My hobbies are reptiles breeding - can't do it right now because of where we live.. The wont let us have reptiles :'(

I love baking, but it's expensive and I am trying to be more healthy.. I can't bake to have it go in the trash. Bucket list? To own a cafe. 

I have been focusing on animals for so much of my life that now I am struggling to find a new interest. I'm the admin to a forum in my home town, but it's in the beginning stages and fiance built it for me. It feels like ours. Not mine, lol.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont tell us much about your husband except you love him to death. Who would you say is the 'boss' in your marriage. I get a feeling its you. Maybe you want your husband to be more assertive. Its difficult if youre together all the time.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Accept, good insight. I would rather it be more equal but he is very happy with me taking lead. Because our daughters are mine from a previous relationship, it works for us as he feels he is just "learning" parenting, which is mostly right.

Can I ask why it's hard for him to be more assertive when we're together all the time?

Thank you for the response.


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## Jazzercise (Dec 9, 2011)

Wanting some "you time" is perfectly acceptable. Having to remind yourself that you love and want to be with someone is a big problem. Partly is has to do with pregnancy hormones, but mostly they just bring out small resentments and make them a larger issue. You need to figure out what it is that you don't like about him. If you honestly do not enjoy being with him and he doesn't bring you happiness, you should take some time to see how it would be without him. Imagine yourself being alone and not having him around. When there is built up resentment in a relationship, nothing is cute, funny, or sweet...just annoying, aggrevating, and stupid. But if you were without him for just a month, I'm willing to bet his worst joke would be hilarious to you. I'm speaking from experience.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

*Can I ask why it's hard for him to be more assertive when we're together all the time?*
It doesnt seem to be working. 
I could reply that men and women are different. But it doesnt go down well on this site. Anyway your problem is solved!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Olive - I would talk with your therapist about the difficulty you are having RECEIVING love. You may also have an issue with putting your needs behind everyone else's, which causes resentment. You may feel guilty for taking time for you, but then resentful of others when you don't.

In general, I think it all starts with learning how to be less judgemental of YOURSELF and more self-compassionate and accepting of yourself. My guess is that you had some type of dysfunctional childhood that made you feel on some level that you aren't loveable or good enough. Just a guess. When you are critical of others, it stems from being critical of yourself. All those imperfections that annoy you in someone else are usually representative of your own harsh self-judgements. 

You can't change your husband. You can only figure out what is going on with you at the deepest level. A lot of folks don't get to the level of awareness necessary for real change because they focus on the superficial details of stuff. But when you get down to WHAT is really driving your behaviors (in relationship, in life) you start to make a lot of connections that make a shift in awareness possible. With that shift comes a lot of progress.

Usually, the things we feel and react to in our adult lives are based on things that happened to us in childhood. We internalized all of the good and bad messages we recieved from our parents, and they play out over and over again in our adult life until we learn to identify the source of our feelings and reactions and work to refocus them. For example, your husband may do something that makes you really mad. When you get to the heart of it, your reaction may be 25% what he did and 75% a trigger from your past (shame from childhood). 

If your therapist isn't skillied in psychodynamic therapy, see if you can find someone who is.

Keep working on stuff. It's worth it.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, what is it that he says that you find it hard to laugh at?
Maybe, it's not funny!
Then the question is, why have you been 'performing' all these years.
Because you love him, sure. But maybe it bothers you because at some level, it's dishonest to laugh at stuff you're not interested in.
It makes you wonder, inside, whether he is also 'performing'.
It sounds like with the coming of a child soon, you are feeling ready to start stripping away some layers. That's a good thing.
Keep asking questions. Only start asking them out loud, honestly, when your H and you are together.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you are having severe past issues, they need to be delt with asap. Before you move onto marriage. Get professional therapy fast! 

You only can find true happiness within yourself. No other person can make YOU happy. Work on your issues or you will end up living alone miserable. Pregnancy hormones are not helping you either. Your much more sensitive at this time. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sweet Equity (Oct 14, 2011)

First no, I don't think you are just a ******!

You have said there's no resentment or other major issues so here's a few guesses...

Maybe your past relationships created issues with closeness and a need to control the situation all the time that you haven't yet resolved. 

Also, if what another poster mentioned, that he has a hard time being assertive is true, it could be that he feels that way because as you stated, you feel the need to fight him all the time. If the person you're with all the time and in love with is going to be adversarial with you over little things, it's easier to not say anything at all... in the short term anyway.

You're probably really nice to everyone else whose just out of arms reach (like family, friends, acquaintances, strangers etc.) but you feel safe enough, loved enough by your husband to be a bit of a witch to him. That scenario isn't at all uncommon... that said, it doesn't make it right either. 

With that said, time apart is IMPORTANT. Both of you do need and should have space to breathe. What are you fighting most about? Is it your two girls (his future step-kids)? That'd make sense since parenting them was your domain before getting involved with him - still it's something you should address. He will likely not be parent them as well as you think you could but depending on your ages, there has to be concessions and slack on your part as long as he's trying his best and not harming them. 

I hate to go here but your hormones from your pregnancy are also probably playing their own role here too.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Nah, you didn't "go there", I totally agree with you 

Thank you to all for the responses. Even typing this out and talking with people I don't know has been a huge help. 

I definitely agree more time apart is needed. 

And yes, the parenting has always been my domain, so I'm a little nervous for when baby comes,but I'm sure we can work it out. 

Poor guy has been put through so much being with me. It must be love, lol.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> Eh? Your question makes zero sense..
> 
> Have you ever known that you're meant to be with someone, and then been with that person and gone through things with that person and knew you'd make it through but wanted advice as to how to make it through with only going forward with the relationship?
> 
> ...


Hicks comment probably deserved it's own thread. But I too wonder what goes through the minds of people who are having serious marital issues and then get pregnant. Seems like it would make things more difficult to resolve.

Ihave kids and have been married for 25 years.


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