# Can't sleep. What do you do to get some sleep?



## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

So last year in November while actively searching for what I believed was an affair at work I discovered a five year affair with an "ex" boyfriend. I left that day and had her served divorce papers three weeks later. I discovered it by snooping through her facebook account. And yes she was having an affair with her boss at work as well. I found that out about a month later. She has promised to tell me about many affairs after the divorce paperwork is completely final. I won't listen though.

The facebook messages, the first one I read, in real time while she was chatting with him that very second, was an extremely graphic description of the sex acts they were going to perform later that day while she went to work to "work overtime". I can remember that message word for word. It is burned into my brain. The rest is kind of a blur. My mind just kind of broke right then. It comes back in flashes and dreams and I have some kind of memory of it. There were pictures. An unbelievable amount of pictures. Hundreds of pictures. I scrolled back and back and back just to see how long this had been going on. He would send her pictures of him ****ing her in various degrading ways and chat with her about these things. The only thing they ever talked about was sex. The pictures are what I see in my head now, when I let my mental guard down. Even after 10 months. I scrolled back and back and back and back and they just never stopped.

I ended up just screaming at her for a few minutes. I called her a ***** and a ***** and c*nt. Then I saw my son grabbing her leg, scared, so I grabbed a pair of clothes and left. That was the last day I have ever been in my house. I didn't know that she had a secret bank account and a plan for this. One of her old friends contacted me to let me know that she had an entire plan and was bragging about it. Her old friend was so sickened by this that she found me and she is now one of my best friends.

The ex wife filed several false domestic violence claims against me. They were dismissed two months later but not before the police came and told me that I am not allowed to enter my home or see my child until I get to go before a judge. They did not care about what actually happened. This was an "emergency protective order." The judge for the DV case looked over the police reports and dismissed it without even talking to us. She was furious. But this took two months and established the precedent that she gets my house and our son.

She had changed the locks to the house. It was still my home and from what I could tell if I wanted to I could have the locks changed back but my lawyer told me that this would look bad when I went before a judge. Besides she already had her married boss living there part time. Later when I revealed this affair to his wife she told me that he told her he was taking trips for work. He was really living with my wife and my son that the state forbid me from seeing.

She withdrew all our money. It was all gone. She stole my identity fourteen times and destroyed my credit five days after I separated from her while we were still going to marriage counseling. I found this out about six weeks later.

I went full detective mode. I was also homeless. Sleeping on friends couches. No access to any of my property. I was so depressed that I lost my job. I got a new job doing manual labor. The pay was less but it was menial enough that it distracted me from the thoughts I couldn't block out. Work has become my favorite thing now just because my mind can relax just a little bit. Sometimes I wish I could just work all the time.

The divorce is final now. I will have access to my retirement funds again, well half of them. Well half of what is left after shelling out $45,000 or so for everything divorce related. My wealthy relatives paid for my divorce on loan with the belief that one day I would have access to my retirement funds again and would be able to pay them back. That day will be here in just a few weeks and I am eternally grateful to them.

The final decree gave me about $700 more a month. Which is good because it was impossible for me to live on the other $700 I had. I now have my son half the time and pay no child support for the next two years. She did not get alimony. Actually the divorce, now that it's final, was very good to me. I can finally start to rebuild my life in my thirties while living with my parents. I'm amazed at the new opportunities I have.

But back last year the nightmares started. I would sleep maybe an hour or two before I was awake, covered in sweat, screaming into my pillow. I stopped sleeping. A week went by and I started to hallucinate. It was terrifying but I was more scared to sleep. Eventually my body collapsed from exhaustion. The nightmares lessened.. changed. I don't even know if I am still having them.

But I still can't sleep. Last night was typical. Get home from work, exhausted, eat dinner, watch some Netflix. Take a few sleeping pills and a shot of vodka. Go lay down at 1:30am. I can do a pretty good job of keeping my thoughts in rigid order if I'm active, for the most part, but when I lay down in the dark I can't. I hear the things she told me, I see the pictures, I imagine what the reality of my life over the last ten years has actually been. Even if I block these thoughts out through deep breathing, relaxation techniques, and meditation there is still... like an alarm going off in my head. All the time.

It's like a low buzzing in the background. Pushing me to do something. Like my brain is screaming at me that something is not right and I need to do something. It makes it almost impossible for me to relax and enjoy anything. And it gets much louder if I lose frame and let the dark thoughts start up. I'll disassociate hard and literally will not be able to think or act at all. A few months ago was the last time I caused myself serious physical pain just to... like reset my brain. So it's not that bad anymore but it's still pretty bad.

So last night, a typical night, I take a few sleeping pills and lay down. Then the thoughts start creeping in and I can't distract them away so I get up. Take another sleeping pill. Go walk around in my backyard. Read for a bit. Then lay down again. Then I get back up. Take another sleeping pill and repeat. I fell asleep a bit after 4am.

Then 7am comes around and I'm awake. Alert. More than alert. I'm on guard. I feel like I have to do something so badly. Like my brain is sounding an alarm and forcing me to be alert. Now I just lay in bed. Rarely I will be able to fall asleep for another 30 minutes. Maybe an hour. Even if not just laying there can be relaxing. Then the dark thoughts start coming back so I get up. Three hours of sleep again and the sleeping pills leave my body wrecked. Get up and read for a bit. Take a walk with my dog. Cook breakfast. I'm so tired.

If I don't take the sleeping pills I simply will be unable to fall asleep. I will be awake for two or three days until I crash from exhaustion and drag myself out of bed so I'm not late for work, or worse, if I have my son that day I will sit in the same room with him, awake, but unable to properly function. I've found that the sleeping pills work better. They are over the counter ones from Wal-Mart.

I used to just drink myself unconscious but this was far more harmful then helpful so I managed to stop.

I've been dating someone new. Sometimes she spends the night. She wakes up when I wake up and I always wake up after a few hours. I don't remember any nightmares anymore but she says I jump awake. Violently enough to wake her up. It's nice when she's over because she will lay next to me and rub my back for fifteen minutes until she falls back asleep. I don't fall back asleep though. She has gotten used to me getting out of bed after a few hours and going outside.

This pattern continues for a week or ten days until I am barely conscious and my body shuts down giving me ten or twelve glorious hours of rest. But not being able to sleep, still, after almost a year, is killing me.

I haven't had insurance for about a year. I did briefly have Obamacare insurance but when the temporary orders judge ordered me to give almost all my money to her, to pay for half the house and half her utilities, and to pay for her car and insurance, to give her $100 for her retirement (!!!!) etc... I had to stop paying my insurance. I've learned to live very cheaply and these habits are now my new normal. But now that the divorce is final things have changed. I'm going to have enough money to buy food and get my oil changed... buy clothes and clothes for my son. Hell I'll have enough money to go see a doctor.

It was amazing, actually. After the last court appearances, having the police accuse me of being physically abusive, being homeless and penniless during the darkest time of my life... The judge from two days ago actually cared. He cared about her infidelity. He cared about what had happened to me. So soon, so soon, I will have enough money to do whatever I feel like for the next year. Maybe I'll go buy a new car? She got our nice car anyway... who knows. Just having opportunities, having some semblance of freedom again after being a slave to give her money for a year....

So what do you folks do so that you can sleep? I will be going to a doctor, I've decided, but that will be 4-6 weeks away. And if I could get some sleep before then that would be... really nice. Maybe help me plan out where I go from here.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I am glad you got away from this evil woman. The cheating was bad enough but to destroy your credit, falsify Protective Orders (and we know that system is screwed up) and put your son through this .... I hope she gets hers someday. At least the divorce treated you well. Hopefully her boss gets slammed by his wife in court too.

Workout after work, no caffeine and a lunesta with some soft celtic music does the trick. Maybe a fan blowing on you for air circulation.


----------



## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

Thanks. I did buy a fan and it has been nice. I've been thinking about moving my tv into my room but worried it would just make things worse.

Yes the things she exposed my son to, while they mattered so much to me, really nobody else seemed to care. But the final judge. Oh he cared. It was so nice for me and really helped my case out. Helped that she admitted so much and I record our conversations.

Lunesta? Maybe I can ask the doctor about that in a month or so. My friend (the one that was her friend but now only pretends to be to keep me alert to her schemes) keeps telling me to stop drinking caffeine. I've cut back a lot but haven't stopped. I haven't had any coffee today and will make sure to avoid caffeine for awhile.

My work is a workout so I haven't been going to the gym. I used to but that seems like someone elses life. Does this really help you?


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

In my personal/professional dealings I find the pam family of medications to be the better choice of sleep aids. Only other one not of the pam family is mersyndol (a neuropathic pain killer turned off label use of sleep aid). All three I'm thinking of are or can be addictive or habit forming. Clonozapam and tanazapam both aid in sleep and reducing what sounds like PTSD symptoms. I'd suggest finding a therapist that specializes in PTSD . you certainly fit the criteria differentials for a diagnosis of PTSD.

Ambilify is a drug used to amplify other drugs like the pams and antidepressants. If you do get diagnosed (and suspect you will) with PTSD they will likely use a pam drug with a longer lasting antipsychotic or antidepressants drug.

Welbutrin is a good antidepressant with very few side effects (I had 5 years of success with only some weight gain, no libido loss like most of its fellow drugs like it).

This is anecdotal information. I'm neither a doctor or pharmacist.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Aethervalue said:


> Thanks. I did buy a fan and it has been nice. I've been thinking about moving my tv into my room but worried it would just make things worse.
> 
> Yes the things she exposed my son to, while they mattered so much to me, really nobody else seemed to care. But the final judge. Oh he cared. It was so nice for me and really helped my case out. Helped that she admitted so much and I record our conversations.
> 
> ...


work tires me out too but I exercise right when I get home, eat relatively medium, stop everything about 45 minutes before I go to bed, sit there and watch tv (which can be distracting over night) or read. Then I play Enya or some celtic compilation on repeat, and crash hard. On nights where I feel I am going to struggle, I pop a lunesta in. Easy to get a prescription, use it only when needed and if you get a prescription, there is a great discount program below with zero copays sponsored by lunesta themselves. Mediation also helps. Lunesta has had no side effects on me where as Ambien did. I sleep great now. Much of your restlessness is due to your recent issues but meditation can help too and compartmentalizing as well.

Again sorry she did that to you. Very evil. I feel for your kid, at least you got a good judge. Hopefully she's miserable now since it seems like she was a manipulator.

https://secure.lunesta.com/lunestaPromos/rest_for_less_reg_step1.cfm


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Sorry you had to see the evil supposed love ones will do.

But you know what ??

I find good old revenge relieve many problems for me.
Do you still have the pics ???
If so, make her an internet star.

Many say living well is the best revenge.
But growing up on migrant camps with only females in those lil shacks, I find my mind won't rest until I redress a wrong.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

CantePe said:


> In my personal/professional dealings I find the pam family of medications to be the better choice of sleep aids. Only other one not of the pam family is mersyndol (a neuropathic pain killer turned off label use of sleep aid). All three I'm thinking of are or can be addictive or habit forming. Clonozapam and tanazapam both aid in sleep and reducing what sounds like PTSD symptoms. I'd suggest finding a therapist that specializes in PTSD . you certainly fit the criteria differentials for a diagnosis of PTSD.
> 
> Ambilify is a drug used to amplify other drugs like the pams and antidepressants. If you do get diagnosed (and suspect you will) with PTSD they will likely use a pam drug with a longer lasting antipsychotic or antidepressants drug.
> 
> ...



I agree as I am not a doctor either. Lunesta works for me because it's not addictive or at least for me it's not but that is useful info Cante


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Almost forgot,, if you can prove she stole your ID, file charges.

I see no reason for not doing all you can to destroy this woman.

I know I know, she's your son's mother,, but hopefully she will get a record. Not likely, but worth a shot.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

OldWolf57 said:


> Almost forgot,, if you can prove she stole your ID, file charges.
> 
> I see no reason for not doing all you can to destroy this woman.
> 
> I know I know, she's your son's mother,, but hopefully she will get a record. Not likely, but worth a shot.




I agree. File charges and get full custody. Her acts are criminal and hopefully if he hops on this now, he can fit them in that statute of limitations. if not, he could file a civil suit though that can be spotty since they were married but seek a legal consult. Do it now


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

I'm what the American side calls a CNA (certified nursing assistant) here in Canada we call them PSW (personal support worker).

My work is primarily end of life care where most of these meds and PTSD is prevalently dominant and the status quo of our patients.

I've seen great success of tanazapam as a short term solution while a longer term drug sets in for blood serum levels (how long it takes to get the right presence of the drug in the blood and system to be effective).

I've also had great success personally with welbutrin (ibuporion) for clinical depression, PTSD, and anxiety disorder (with self harming tendencies).

I had 5 years of welbutrin for above and was able to be titrated off and have been self stable since 2010. Haven't self harmed since 2006 or so.

That's personal experience. I believe in taking away the stigma of mental health and illnesses. Giving knowledge and self experiences is empowering others to give themselves their own voice they forgot they had.

In short, lol, you are welcome.


----------



## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

PTSD? Isn't that what soldiers get? I'll have to find a doctor and ask them about this I guess.

I never had the pictures. Her "ex" boyfriend took them with his friends and her. I don't want them.

I did a ton of work on the identity thefts. I had several folders of information and had tracked it back to being done on the wi-fi of a local hotel. I also found someone posting all of my information on a forum. The cards were sent to our home. It has locking mailboxes from the post office and only two keys. I had one and she had one. I did a lot of work gathering information.

I took it the the police. A woman detective came out wearing a University of Utah sweater with no name tag. After me talking for about two minutes she accused me of being a physically abusive rapist. She told me that I clearly stole my own identity to set her up. She told me she was going to call my (ex) wife and ask her if I did it to set her up. She threatened to charge me. She also refused to give me her name. After half an hour of being berated and threatened for going to the police after a crime had been committed for me I just got up and left.

I had all my credit blocked but "someone" kept trying to open new accounts. Sometimes they would go through anyway. I kept trying to call the credit bureaus but could never actually speak to a living human being.

In the end I had to get a new social security number. I've been thinking about how to try to rebuild my credit again. I guess I'm not going to be buying another house anytime soon.

It's so incredibly insane to me to have the woman who told me she loved me every day trying to destroy my life. I've seen how she truly is though. She's not human. She feels no empathy for anyone and everything is about her. To an extreme degree.

Hey last week she told me she wished we had a time machine (pause, but there was only a pause in my head) so that I could go back in time and lie to her father about why I left her. Not so I could go back in time and not every marry her or she could go back in time and not cheat on me. No, so I could go back in time and lie to her father.

Ideally I'd love it if she would just cooperate with me in raising our son now. But it's still a continuous cycle of me calling his doctor and dentist, of going to daycare and making friends, so I can find out what is actually going on. Then continuing to make legal threats. I just had to make another one yesterday. Maybe if this goes on long enough with me filing official complaints that she is violation of the judges orders eventually something will happen. I really don't know.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

PTSD is a set of syndromes caused by emotional or physical (or both) traumas. It is not just a soldier thing.

I'm a CSA survivor (child sexual assault). There are more PTSD cases among the civilian population than you think. It was our fine soldiers that brought the knowledge of PTSD to the fore front by talking about it publicaly.


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Yeah, i would look into PTSD or some other anxiety disorder.

Wow, that's nuts how you were treated by the unknown woman talking to you about the identity theft. That is most certainly a criminal matter, but I would look into some sort of representation to help you present your case to the police next time...and even file a complaint regarding your first attempt. If it's worth it to you anyway.

Sucks that she went after your money, but that is typically what we instantly recommend is taken care of. I had a good friend tell me that his wife just left for another man, so I told him to move his money ASAP. He did that exactly, and good thing 'cos OM was already pressuring WW to pull out money and open credit cards in my friend's name. When she had no access to money and saw OM asking her to do shady stuff directed at H, she quickly changed her tune.

For some reason, an affair triggers a whole landslide of impulsive, selfish decisions...and you just look at your wayward spouse, and wonder "Who are you?!" They are not the most safest of people.

BTW, your trauma related anxiety and sleeplessness has to do with safety. You were dealt a serious blow to your psyche...lots of mental/emotional pain and anguish. It is going to take a while for you to feel safe again and there are going to be instances when you are triggered by memories or similar scenarios. It will help when all this stuff is resolved...and you have some time and healing and allow yourself to create new memories of your new and better life.


----------



## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I had similar problems. I couldn't sleep, and when I could, my mind was tearing itself apart with nightmares. 

I would take a supplement called Animal PM. Contains some herbs that are designed to induce sleep. You can get them at a GNC or a Vitamin Shoppe, and I think they come with 30 in a can. Follow the directions, and assuming you didn't drink a pot of coffee two hours before, you should get some sleep.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Look, just to address the sleeping situation, I have some good tactics, that really will work if you do it.

1. Lift weights about 3 days per week. No Rambo stuff, just go lift for about 45 min seriously.
2. 1-2 hours before bed, take 3 mg of melatonin.
3. 15-20 minutes before bed take 3 valerian root capsules. (about 450 mg each.

That's it. No prescriptions, not habit forming, no fuzzy head, but it works.

Diphenhydramine (benadryl) is the typical OTC sleep aid, but it can leave you fuzzy, or have to get up to use the bathroom.

If you just hate to exercise, the melatonin and valerian will still work, but exercise really helps regulate things.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

God bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you...This is one of the saddest and hardest I have ever read. Many, many blessings always. Reconnect with your spiritual side too, it will bring you peace. You are still young and have so much time to re-write your script from scratch...Make a beautiful new beginning, you so deserve it. Make a bucket list and focus on it. You are incredible to survive such a horrible human being who doesn't deserve to exist in even one cell of your memory bank. Create new memories with the new love you found.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Aethervalue said:


> PTSD? Isn't that what soldiers get? I'll have to find a doctor and ask them about this I guess.
> 
> I never had the pictures. Her "ex" boyfriend took them with his friends and her. I don't want them.
> 
> ...



Sounds like you should have filed a complaint against that officer to OIA and wrote a letter to the Chief of Police. You could have borrowed some funds from friends and filed a lawsuit as well for police harassment. As someone in the field, knuckleheads like that detective get tightened up when being investigated or getting called into the chief's office and yelled at for being remiss in her job. I had one guy who was very bravado as a detective and tried to ignore one guy's DV complaint and the Chief OIA'd him and threw him back in uniform and on patrol. He learned the hard way. This woman, in my mind, is a disgrace to her job and maybe even a sexist. First of all, they are required to identify themselves upon request. They are also supposed to conduct themselves professionally. You could have also gone to the Prosecutors office as well or wrote an ad in the paper. It sounds like this woman detective knew your wife, I would have aksed to se her supervisor and told him she has taken sides and you have no faith in her abilities.


----------



## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

What kind of crack pot police department did you go to? That sounds outrageous that a detective would say such a thing. You should absolutely file a formal complaint with them and demand to be heard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Aethervalue said:


> I've found that the sleeping pills work better. They are over the counter ones from Wal-Mart.


Honestly, this is what I do. Not every night but when it's bad. If you take what I take they are blue and basically just generic Benadryl. I buy the 25mg boxes and take 2 at a time. I've found that for them to work I have to first decide to be in a good mode for sleep. I have a very active mind that jumps around- besides visions of infidelities I always get business ideas in the middle of the night or think of something I just have to go research on the internet (or a message board to check) that second. I have to go into a dark room, lie down, and just tell myself I am going to pass out no matter what and close my eyes until I do.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Regret214 said:


> What kind of crack pot police department did you go to? That sounds outrageous that a detective would say such a thing. You should absolutely file a formal complaint with them and demand to be heard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's my field and we have so many good officers but I've worked with people like this one and as a supervisor, I crush them when I catch it. This guy may have been intimidated. I wonder if the cop was a sexist, or actually knew the cheating spouse. I would have laid the hammer on the cop.


----------



## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

You know this will sound kinda weird...Please try to live in the present, experience every moment in the now, fully taste every morsel of food, smell the eggs and bacon frying in the mornings, feel the sunshine on your skin, feel the carpet under your toes = Re-sensitize. It may help to tire you out so you can rest well. Even though your job is physical, still jog in the evenings with your new honey. 

Your body is fighting an overload of adrenaline which is keeping you in "fight or flight" mode, hence the lack of sleep...All of this is natural when we are traumatized. But for such an extended period of time it is rough on the entire mind, body etc. Your psychiatrist will help you and a good therapist otherwise as you are already aware...Disconnect from the evidence too, put it away in a super good zip-lock bag and bury it (don't destroy it) in the back yard. Clean anything related to it from your computer, your phone, etc. (Get new things) etc. P.S. If you bury it, stomp on the dirt covering it and walk away.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Worked out and lifted....took Advil PM....and kept telling my self "I deserve good things".

I thought about getting laid but my sh1t wasn't keeping me up it was not eating. man I could not eat if I wanted to.

Any way go out and get laid! Now that you got some cash start going out.

What also worked for me is having the strong mental power to not let my old ladies crap define me...ya you got phucked over good but you have to believe that karma will have its turn on your ex and you will live a better life with out this women.

Try going to sleep with the though that this kind of women you divorced will die alone, only to be found by the mailman surrounded by cats and cat boo in some beat up trailer!!!!

If you think about it your exs attraction level will die out....and from the sound of it thats all this women has. Once her holes dry up no one will find her worth anything. She will be the mad old lady in the trailer out in the hills.

You my friend are still young enough to cultivate a relationship and raise a daughter and after the crap you went through....you gotta think there is a better plan for you....one that will surround you with family and friends for the rest of your life.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If any one that needs to be posted on Cheaterville its this lady....OP got conned and he needs to warn others.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Seriously.....

I believe this site (CV) was meant for things like this.

This thread has 1st degree con written all over it.

I mean this isn't the 'ol "we are just friend and it got out of hand" bull crap this "thing" had "premeditation" !

The WW had the lover and the Plan A....and OP was just a score.

Her Plan A is her next score and I bet the POS has just as much to lose.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet screwing her boss over givers her a better pay out. I bet the Co. pays out to make her go away....just like you payed out to make her go away!


----------



## Aethervalue (Sep 27, 2014)

The boss graduated from medical school this summer and quit his job. He has way more earning potential then my philosophy degree. And now with me moving into manual labor I'm not providing much money. Actually she will be getting zero money from me for the next two years as the judge was entirely sympathetic to my plight. I think I was the way for her to show, mostly to her family, that she is a good family woman. Also to provide her with a child. From what I could determine she actually stopped her affairs when we started trying to have a child. I know I need to dna test him but the money has been an issue and should I find out the worst I'm not really sure I'll be able to handle it. Will get it done here. I did talk to my lawyer about it and was told that due to us being married when he was conceived I will be on the hook for child support no matter what. And he is my son. I was there when he was born and he calls me dad. I teach him his letters and numbers and he loves me. Taking him back every other week is the worst day for me. He fights me and fights his mother. He's started to bite her when she tries to put him in her car seat after leaving. He fights bad. I wish I could tell him that I don't want him to leave. I wish he didn't have to.

I've seen the cheaterville recommendations on this site before. I'm not sure what I should say if I do post her information. It would be nice to be able to google her name and not see pictures of us at our wedding though. I do worry a little bit about the next guy she screws over.

The social consequences she has had to face do amuse me. Her mother and father split from infidelity on her mother's part. Her mother moved her from California to Maine to keep her father from seeing her. Her father and I became very close over the years. She was always hurt that I were closer then she was with him. After I left, during one of his routine phone calls, I told him I left his daughter because she was cheating on me. He doesn't know any of the details. Nothing. He had a mental breakdown and had to be hospitalized. She was able to convince her entire family that I was making it all up, that I was delusional and in desperate need of psychiatric help. None of them would even listen to my side of the story nor view all my evidence.

Out of all of our friends only one took her side. Not surprising I later found conversations they had when I logged into her email discussing how much fun it was, basically, to cheat on your husband. I told her husband and sent him the e-mails. They are now going through their own divorce. And even though this woman was a five year friend of my entire family and my sister's best friend she was cut out of our lives. My sister fired her. She worked for her. This is my ex's best friend. I guess these people find each other and form little secret support groups to help each other hide their affairs. They gave each other tips. Shower before coming home or before us husbands get near. That was one of them that she shared.

All of our other friends cut her out of their lives and have offered me much support. This actually made the ex very angry. She has asked me a few times "why doesn't this person like me?". I told her but somehow she doesn't get it. Her plan of action for the future is to simply lie better.

Do you folks think I should report that detective? It may sound judgmental but that detective was a butch, short haired, manly looking woman. I had the impression that she simply hates all men and saw me as someone else. I've never been physically abusive to anyone in my life. I've never even been in a fight... Nor have I raped anyone. My experiences with the police and the original judge left me more bitter and angry than things needed to be. I'm lucky the final judge was different.

She works for the Unified Police for Salt Lake City. I think she had to file a report for when I went in so I may be able to get her name from that.

It would be great if I had any way to make my ex be a good mother. So far over the last year I've had to file complaints with DCFS three times. At least he hasn't shown up with fresh wounds in two months.

She alternates between claiming that she won't and hasn't introduced him to any other men. Despite me having pictures of her, my son, and her married boss. And her telling me frequently, actually bragging as she somehow thinks this will impress me or something, about all the men she's meeting from some online dating thing called tinder. With how our custody schedule has been and her not knowing anyone who can babysit I know she's had men over with him. Hell I hear their voices when i go pick him up. I see their cars in what was once my garage. I've asked her to introduce me to these men. She just denies that anyone is there. Despite the fact that there is clearly a man I'm there with my son.

I'm not exactly surprised that there are many men who are willing to have sex with a fairly attractive woman. There is no way for me to prevent her from having him around new men every month. Hopefully now that I get to see him almost half the time instead of two days every two weeks I can try to give him half of a good childhood. DCFS has been useless except to scare her enough to stop hurting him. He's only two though and is starting to talk more. I'm going to make sure he feels safe to tell me about what is going on.

Usually when I talk to her about abuse or neglect he's suffered, the times I see it when I've had him every other week for two days, she just ends up screaming nonsense at me. Actually that is about half of our conversations. Typically that I should be locked in prison, that I should kill myself, or that she is so amazing and I'm so pathetic. I can't make her a different person. And she was never like this before. At least around me. I don't even know who she is. That scares me. How could I be with someone for ten years and not even know who she actually is?

Mostly I've been just reacting to everything. I didn't have a plan for this. My plans were all about making our lives better together. Those plans are all dead now.

The pills I have are doxylaminine succinate. I'll try the working out, melotonin, valerian root thing I think. I don't like how those other pills make me feel the next day. But it is better then never sleeping. Any sleep is better.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I don't have much to offer except that I am terribly sorry you went through all of that and you are still struggling. She is purely a low life.

I do want to suggest what I did for a while. I had and sometimes still have similar issues with sleep. I found that if I found a radio station with a talk show and turned the volume down so I could hear it, but it wasn't too loud, I could think about something other than the misery. Yes, I thought about what was being said, but it wasn't something that I was so concerned about that it would keep me awake. It was just something to keep my mind out of the horrible thoughts. 

Wishing you the best.


----------



## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

So very sorry to hear what your ex has put you through, friend.



Aethervalue said:


> I wish I could tell him that I don't want him to leave. I wish he didn't have to.


Tell him. Even your tone of voice will communicate so much to him. He understands more than you know. Sounds like one good parent is the best he can hope for.

Take care.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

aethervalue

You know what I wish for?

1. That you look for a good paying job during the next two years and leave manual labor. 

Nothing wrong with manual labor but if you had a better paying job you should go back to one for your own future.

2. That you file charges against that detective. What she did was wrong. She does not belong being a detective an deserves a slap on her wrist. AT least a slap.

3. That you find happiness with your new girl, get into your own home and start a new family.

One that does not include a psycho for an exw.

Because that girl is crazy.

Take advantage of the "gift" this judge gave you. He gave you 2 years to get your feet on the ground.

Use that time wisely and focus on you.

HM


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Aethervalue said:


> The boss graduated from medical school this summer and quit his job. He has way more earning potential then my philosophy degree. And now with me moving into manual labor I'm not providing much money. Actually she will be getting zero money from me for the next two years as the judge was entirely sympathetic to my plight.
> 
> 
> *Good she doesn't deserve your $$$*
> ...


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

The lifting weights thing was just from my personal experience years ago. If you're working hard anyway, don't sweat it.

I got one other little nugget that may or may not work. Worry is a killer. I once saw a good, academic study on worry. It showed that overwhelmingly the things we worry about usually do not come to pass. I used to be a worry to much, but realized it is way better to shut that stuff out.

Consciously try to forget the things that worry you. It really does work IF you can make yourself do it. When a worry pops into your mind, you just tell yourself to forget it. Don't think about it.

So, it has worked in the past, but I admit I've been unsuccessful with the infidelity thing. Still, maybe for you it could help. 

The melatonin/valerian stuff is fairly cheap, and does help, though.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

This is an exercise that seems to work for some. When laying in bed on your back. Raise one foot about 3 in high. Flex that foot has hard as you can and hold it until you cant anymore. Then just drop it, move to the leg, repeat.To the butt, to the next foot and next leg. You must hold & squeeze until you just cant anymore and then really just let the limb fall. Do that with each part of your body. Then when you are finished and exhausted, do it to you whole body. Squeeze you muscles as tight as you an and as long as you can. 

Each time you wake go thur the whole thing again. 

~sammy


Sooooo sorry to read your story ... OMG !!!


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Sorry to hear about your story. 

As for the sleep issue, I am a night owl but I also get bouts of insomnia a few times a year. It has gotten bad like going 36 to 48 hours without shut eye in the past. Besides taking melatonin, I don't stress about it. Nor do I try to force myself to sleep. 

If I can't sleep, I usually read in bed or watch nature or science documentaries in bed. I find them interesting but not exciting. So they are soothing to me, especially with a good narrator (Sir David Attenborough's voice is like butter). The key for me is to be distracted enough but not over simulated. Playing a video game for instance would be too much stimulation and keep me up all night. If I lay in bed unable to sleep and do nothing then I find for me it makes it worse. I will end up counting the hours of sleep I could get if I only fell asleep now and stressing about it which becomes part of the problem (stress) that I am not falling asleep.

When I was in the throes of pain over my spouse's betrayal it also helped to keep me distracted around bed time. If I do fall asleep, I wake up at the same early time as usual the next day. This does mean I am tired the next day but after a day or two of that the exhaustion wins over my body's desire to stay up and my sleeping usually gets back on track.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ok my man, it's time for you to put on your big boy pants.

You will have to deal with this sicko for years, so it time to admit and forget.
Admit you brought a lemon, and forget her as much as possible.
You are STILL to focused on her. Change that to focusing on you and your son. 
Let spare mind moments be career planning moments, and child rearing moments.
Start your day with these two things, and let them be your last as you fall asleep
Just let the pics be some very bad porn that gave you nightmares.

Friend, if I let the bad seen, and done keep me from sleeping, I would never sleep.
I have friends that have a Bible under their pillow just to rest a lil.

But for you, it's seems more of you giving her still to much control, even in your dreams.
Refocusing should help with that.

Blessing to you friend.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Have you read the 180?? even though you are D, it may still help you with the detaching.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Aethervalue,

Please get into counseling. If you are in the U.S., you should be able to get help through government assistance of some kind. Please check into it. 

You need counseling at the very least. I think, but I'm not a doctor, you need meds too. 

Wishing you the very best.


----------

