# I feel like such a hypocrit...



## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Just to give a little background information, my husband is 10 years older than me. He just turned 33, and I'm going to be turning 23 in a few weeks. A couple months ago he got a new truck driving job. Its a local driving job, so he does get to come home everyday but unfortunately the job does require him to be gone for about 14 hours a day. Technically he only works about 12 hours but work is about an hour away from our house so it takes an extra two hours just to get there and back everyday. Sorry for rambling. So anyway, monday through friday he spends the majority of his time at work. By the time he gets home, he is usually exhausted (which is certainly understandable) and he usually just goes straight to bed when he gets home. So, its not like we have the time to have sex every single day, but considering his long work hours, I think we still do it pretty regularly... Id say at least one or two times a week, typically.

So, heres whats bothering me. This morning I was in bed asleep, and I got woken up by my husband's phone going off. Every Sunday morning, he always goes to church and he always sets his phone alarm so he doesn't oversleep. Well, this morning, he apparently forgot to take his phone to church with him, which is pretty unusual for him. Anyway, I reached over and turned the alarm off, and fell back asleep. A few minutes later it started going off again. So now, Im pretty much wide awake and irritated that I keep getting woken up. I pick up his phone and I start to look at it, trying to figure out why this stupid alarm won't stop going off. As I was looking at it, I noticed he had made some kind of list on his phone. It was a list that said "Things to remember" or something like that, and it just had normal everyday stuff on it, nothing out of the ordinary... or so I thought. I noticed that at the very bottom of the list were two names. They were female names. I was curious who these two females were, so I decided to google their names.

I found out that they are both porn stars. I immediately had this sick feeling come over me. I just felt like bursting into tears. My immediate thoughts going through my head were "Whats wrong with me? Does he not find me as attractive as them? Do I not satisfy him in bed?" I'm far from being overweight. I take care of my body and I spend time on my appearance. And theres nothing that he has asked me to do in the bedroom that I've refused to do for him. So I couldnt understand why he would be looking at and lusting at other women. 

My second thoughts were "Ok... just calm down and be rational. Listen to yourself and stop being a hypocrit! Haven't YOU ever watched porn?? Of course you have! Does that mean you don't find HIM attractive? No. Does it mean hes not good enough? No." 

Im pretty sure he knows that I watch porn from time to time. Not on a daily basis or anything... but when hes not around, sometimes I do. I've mentioned it to him before.... Ive never had a serious, full blown conversation about it with him but I have mentioned that I sometimes watch it, and we would just both kind of laugh about it like it was no big deal. I mean I've never sat him down and had a formal discussion about it like "I have to tell you something. Sometimes I watch porn." Its just something that I mentioned to him and like I said, we both just laugh and he acts like he doesn't care. Regardless, he is aware that I watch it from time to time.

However, he has never told me that he watches it. He seems like its something that he feels the need to hide. When I first got with him, the discussion of porn came up and at first, he wouldn't even admit that he had ever watched it. Stupid me, although I thought it was highly unusual, I believed him at the time. Later on, I questioned him about it again and he finally admitted that he had watched it before, but was embarrassed about it. 

He was married once before me. It didn't last long, only a few years. I think he married her when he was 22 and they were divorced by the time he was 26. He didn't come out and admit to this, but I have speculations that he watched porn back then and had to hide it from her so that she wouldnt pitch a fit about it. I think thats why he didn't want to admit it to me at first.... and I think thats why he STILL feels the need to be secretive about it. 

The thing is, when we first got together, he would always complain about his ex and never had anything good to say about her whenever she came up. He always went on about how much better I was than her.... my looks, my personality, and about how we have so much more in common than they did. So I just used to think that he watched porn when he was with her because he was unhappy with her, and it was a way to just escape from her and fantasize about being with someone else.

Even though he admitted to watching porn at one point in his life, I honestly thought he was done with it. I always thought that since hes with me now and claims to be happy with me, he has no reason to watch it anymore. Besides that, I even let him take some videos/pictures of us during some very intimate acts... because HE wanted to and because I was hoping "well at least this way when I'm not with him, if he wants something to look at, he can just watch this instead of some porno skank". But apparently our videos/pictures together aren't enough and he still feels the need to want more.

Again, I feel like I have no right to bring it up to him or complain about it because I watch it too sometimes when hes not around, and it has nothing to do with not being happy or satisfied with him. Part of it is curiosity, part of it is just fantasy. Even if you love someone and think theyre the best looking person in the world, that doesnt mean that you just all of a sudden stop thinking that other people are attractive too. Its not like your spouse is the most gorgeous person alive, and everyone else is just hideous. I think its human nature, whether youre married or not, to get bored of only looking at or fantasizing of one person for your entire life. I understand this. So then why do I feel so devastated and take it so personally when I found out that HE does it? Why do I automatically think I must not be as good or as sexually appealing to him as those other girls? I just dont get why I feel this way.

Maybe its just because most of it has to do with being shocked. He has never actually admitted that he still watches it so I just assumed that his porn watching days were pretty much over. Thats a nice thought but I realize it was pretty niave and stupid of me. I think a lot of the reason it upsets me, has to do with the fact that I didn't KNOW that he was watching it. I mean if I admitted to him that I sometimes watch it, why couldnt he admit it to me?

Now I just feel like I dont want him to touch me or even talk to me. I almost feel betrayed... but at the same time I dont feel that I have a right to be mad at him so I shouldn't bring it up. So why do I feel this way? Do I have a right to be upset? If not about the actual act of watching porn, do I even have the right to be upset that he didnt tell me about it?

I know some of you will just say "Its just porn. Be glad hes just looking at porn and not cheating on you." Yes thats true and I'm thankful for that. And if there was any type of cheating going on, I would absolutely confront him about it. Please go easy on me. I know this type of question may seem like nothing compared to some of the problems that the people on this forum go through, but I just feel horrible right now, and I'd really appreciate some insight. Thanks.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Kitty, you WAAAAAAAAAAAY over think stuff.

You don't know that those names were porn stars, you don't know that he saved those names for his own "use." You are jumping to WILD conclusions and processing thoughts and feeling that may very well turn put to be USELESS in the light of truth.

but lets go with your assumption, porn names, he's seen their porn and he has watched it. BFD!!!!

Are you otherwise happy? Is it ever possible for you to be secure in his love for you?

You know, most men like porn because it's hot without having to do ANY work on their part. They don't have to wine and dine, they don't have to compliment or think of nice things to say, they don't have to watch what they say because it can't be misinterpreted... They just get aroused by the images and they like that they don't have to do a damn thing but watch and enjoy. No Big Deal!


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I appreciate your input but I don't really see the need for the aggression in your post. I said I realize some of you will think this is "no big deal" compared to the problems some people here have, but that I'd appreciate it if I got some helpful answers without all of the hostility. 

Anyway, I dont understand what you mean when you say that I don't know these names were porn stars. I know they were porn stars because firstly, they even sounded like pornstar names, and secondly because when I googled them, it took me to porn sites with them on it. So I know that they were porn stars.

I don't know for a fact that the names were saved for his own use, But I dont think its very far fetched to assume that they were. Did one of his friends/family members ask him one day "hey man, know of any hot porn stars?" and so he went on the internet and tried to find some? Sure, thats possible. Likely? Id say probably not. So yes I am making an assumption there but I dont think its a ridiculous, outrageous one.

I am happy with him otherwise. Maybe I often question how he feels about me because maybe I'm just an insecure person... trust me, I dont choose to be. And its not something you can just change overnight.

And yes I suppose that is part of the reason why men watch porn. I think women AND men watch it for a number of reasons. As someone who watches it occasionally, Im obviously not totally against it, as long as you dont let it get to the point where it consumes you of course. I just couldnt understand why I felt so hurt by him watching it when he acts like he could care less that I watch it. As I said, I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that I was shocked because I didnt know about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

because you are hurt for something you don't even know he did... Waaaaaaaaay over thinking. That is what you focus on.. How you are letting your rush to conclusion get in the way of reality.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

So if he came home today and told you " hey once in awhile I look at porn" what is your reaction going to be? Most men won't come out and say it, we should but most have been shamed at some point in their lives. Try having a fun, playful conversation with him about again. Let him really know you're ok with the occasional viewing of porn. 
Good luck with it. Its a sensitive subject but if your marriage is strong this can be worked out......seemly mostly by you.


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## kezins (Aug 25, 2013)

You might be over thinking this. Pretty much every man has sexual fantasies about women other than their wives. It's really actions that matter. It may also be far better for him to fantasize about a couple porn stars he'll likely never meet than for him to fantasize about a woman who lives in your neighborhood or something. 

Comparing you to his ex is a bit of a red flag, because he really shouldn't be thinking about her that much, but it's still not likely a big deal.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

First of all...your feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are. I commend you for being aware of them and trying to process them. I think that shows maturity and self-awareness.

Second, you recognize that your feelings on this may be interpreted as hypocritical or irrational. I'd recommend exploring that a little more. It may be intimidating, but if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to your husband in a non-accusatory, nonjudgmental way. Open and honest communication is key, I really believe that. So acknowledge that, while it may be hypocritical or irrational, you have certain feelings regarding his porn use that are hard for you to work through. Own the same paradox that you did here.

The thing about emotions is they don't have to be rational and often aren't. I think talking things through with him in the most calm, direct way you can accomplish can help you process things. You may come to understand your husband better. If you don't want him to hide things, you have to create an environment where he feels safe.

Since you googled the names and know they are porn stars, is it the porn use thay bothers you or his focus on specific other women? You will need to determine the exact source of your feelings to get to the core of the issue.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

I might bring it up again eventually but if I do it will be in a playful way like how it was before. I'm not going to sit him down and be like "You watch porn dont you? Why didnt you tell me!??". I dont want to embarrass him, because obviously if he does look at porn (which I think is a fair assumption from the clues that Ive gathered) its something that he feels ashamed about and doesnt feel he can share with me, so I dont want to make it worse. I think youre right... he probably was shamed for it. Most likely by his ex... or maybe it goes back to teeange years, maybe his mom shamed him for it. I dont know. If it was up to him, he wouldnt want me to know that he ever in his life watched a porno.... As I said, when we first got together, he wouldnt even admit to watching a porno ever until I practically dragged it out of him.

It would definitely bother me more if he was fantasizing about someone that he actually knew. Then Id feel a bit more threatened because there would be a real possibility that something could really happen between them, although I doubt he would actually do that.

Im not going to lie, I dont LOVE the idea of my husband fantasizing about someone else. Im kind of an insecure person so of course it doesnt make me feel good about myself... but sometimes Im not around... and sometimes people just get bored of the same thing over and over. Id be a liar if I said that I never fantasized about anyone else or thought someone else was attractive. I think its fine as long as your spouse comes first and as long as you dont act on your fantasies. I think the main thing that bothered me was just that he didnt tell me about it. If Im comfortable enough to tell him that I watch it, why isnt he that comfortable with me? 

And about the ex, I should have been more clear. He doesnt talk about her anymore. The only time he ever talked about her was years ago when we first got together. And even then, most of the time, I was the one who brought her up because I wanted to know what she looked like, how they got along, etc... I was the one who wanted to know how I compared to her. It just goes back to me having insecurities and always wanting for him to think that I'm the best.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Tell him the same story you told us about trying to shut off the alarm and finding the names of the porn stars.

The fact you can't talk to him about it is the problem, not that there are names there.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

kittykatz,

I'm writing to you for two reasons:

First, I think that you're wise to recognize your own reaction as possibly being a bit hypocritical, AND wanting to do something about it. I think *before* you approach him, you could really think about why you reacted the way you did because you're right...you don't want to come across as hypocritical. 

Think about the moment you learned that the names belonged to some porn stars. What did you think? How did you feel? Did you feel like he was 'hiding' it from you and he didn't have to? Just keep asking yourself questions like that until you get to the answer.

Once you get to the answer, you may want to approach him. If you do so, remind him that you watch porn too, and it's o.k.for HIM to do so as well. At this time, you also may want to set some ground rules ("We can watch it but no interacting with the 'stars' or no 'live' viewing, etc.)

At least, that's a start...

Vega


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

*Re: I feel like such a hypocrite..*



MrsDavey said:


> First of all...your feelings aren't right or wrong. They just are. I commend you for being aware of them and trying to process them. I think that shows maturity and self-awareness.
> 
> Second, you recognize that your feelings on this may be interpreted as hypocritical or irrational. I'd recommend exploring that a little more. It may be intimidating, but if I were in your shoes, I'd talk to your husband in a non-accusatory, nonjudgmental way. Open and honest communication is key, I really believe that. So acknowledge that, while it may be hypocritical or irrational, you have certain feelings regarding his porn use that are hard for you to work through. Own the same paradox that you did here.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. I guess talking to him really is the only way to get any answers or resolution but I will just have to go about it very carefully so that he doesn't feel I'm attacking him. He has hidden things from me before so obviously you're right, he doesn't feel safe with me. He just doesn't like arguments or confrontations so if hes doing something that he thinks I won't like, his way of dealing with it is just not telling me. Ive told him plenty of times before that there will always be times when I will get upset but I will be twice as upset about something if I find out on my own instead of him just telling me.

You bring up a good point. I think the fact that its two specific women is what bothers me the most. If it was just the name of a pornsite on his phone instead of two specific women, I would have still been shocked because I wasnt aware that he was watching porn anymore, but when he has the names of two individual women, I just automatically start to compare myself to them and ask myself "Does he think shes better than me?". 

I know Im just being insecure and it sucks.... but its not something I can really help. Im not going to try to control his every move just because of my own problems though.... I may not like some of the stuff he does but all Im asking is that we can at least be open with each other.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What were the other things on the list?

Why would anyone make a list and include porn stars on it? Seems odd.

Anything else of note on his phone?

Did you look for the names in his contacts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Vega said:


> kittykatz,
> 
> I'm writing to you for two reasons:
> 
> ...


I see what youre saying. 

Normally, I probably wouldnt even be here looking for advice. I would have just started jumping down his throat about it without even thinking. I tend to be an emotional person and sometimes I have a really hard time controlling my emotions, which often interferes with my logical sense of thinking. I'm learning more and more about myself everyday though. I am learning that I've always been quick to criticize others but yet I have a hard time admitting to my own flaws. With this being said, Im trying to learn how to work on myself and make some improvements, so that maybe my husband will feel he can be a little more open with me instead of just shutting me out so he doesn't have to hear me.

I saw him earlier today and I think he could tell something was wrong because I didnt talk to him or look at him much, but he didnt come out and ask and Im glad he didn't because I wasnt really ready to discuss it yet. 

I think that I will just keep it to myself for a little while and think about it, and if it continues to bother me and I have to say something, then I will.

If I do, I have learned that the best approach is to start off by asking questions. Since some people here have suggested that I could be jumping to conclusions, Ill first start off by just telling him what happened. His alarm woke me up, I was trying to turn it off and saw the names. Ill then ask him who the names belong to and why are they on his phone. Then we will go from there. lll let him know he can be honest with me and that I wont get upset. Ill remind him that I watch it too and assure him that its fine.

Im just hesitant about it because a lot of times we get into arguments about touchy subjects like this because he says that I make assumptions before knowing all the facts so if I bring this up to him, Ill make sure not to make any assumptions and to only ask him questions until I know all the details. 

At this point Im not even positive that I will bring it up though. Im just going to think about it as you suggested and think about the real reasons why I was upset and see if its really worth bringing up.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> What were the other things on the list?
> 
> Why would anyone make a list and include porn stars on it? Seems odd.
> 
> ...


I honestly dont know why. The list had other things on it, I dont remember specifically but it was probably stuff having to do with his motorcycle or just typical guy stuff.... and then at the very bottom were the names. I guess he wanted to look them up later and didnt want to forget their names. Once I saw that they were porn stars I didnt look through his contacts. I dont think that hes actually talking to any of them or anything like that. I think he just watches their videos.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is it possible those two names on the list were names of porn stars in the news, on a radio show he may listened to, television show? Porn is getting a lot of mainstream press lately....is it possible he heard or read something about and wanted to check them out later?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My husband's guy stuff lists never include the names of other women. I would be very concerned if it were me, especially since your time together is reduced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

If he was so hot and bothered by the ladies why did he need to write their names down to remember them for later? If he were a regular 'fan' of theirs there would not be a need for a written reminder.

Not all men watch porn and not all men masturbate. On that note - I think one mistake women make about porn is to assume their spouse is 'lusting' after the porn ladies. I think what likely happens is that its the fastest means to an end. Sure there might be men out there with actual feelings for a certain actress. However I think the average guy really doesn't put so much thought into it.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sigh... yet another relationship damaged by a husband lying about his porn usage.

If men want to stop the shamed feelings surrounding them looking at porn...maybe they should act less shamefully. Lying and keeping secrets is shameful behaviour IMO.

The amount of angst this issue causes is clear evidence that it must be *honestly and openly* discussed before marriage...so both parties are happy or a decision can be made not to marry.

But you can't do that with a liar...can you?

OP - IMO your hubby is probably looking at porn. Most men do and it probably means nothing in regards to his attraction and love for you... just like how you looking at porn didn't lessen your love for your H but I'm sure intellectually you already know this.. 

If the porn is a problem..ie: affecting your relationship, his work, his health etc... THEN stress out and worry and do something about it.

I'd be more concerned about the difficulty you have with communication in your marriage.
There is a lot of good info in book and online form on how to communicate effectively in a marriage.

The time spent would be a great investment in your marriage.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Sigh... yet another relationship damaged by a husband lying about his porn usage.
> 
> If men want to stop the shamed feelings surrounding them looking at porn...maybe they should act less shamefully. Lying and keeping secrets is shameful behaviour IMO.
> 
> ...


You were so eager to rage about men that you overlooked the fact she does the same thing.


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## ASummersDay (Mar 4, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> You were so eager to rage about men that you overlooked the fact she does the same thing.


OP stated that she was honest with her husband about her occasional viewing. Waiwera took issue with the lying, not the porn.

Anyway...OP, don't misinterpret what I said about the safe space. Some people will hide things regardless of anything their partner does. All I'm saying is that I believe your best chance to get resolution to this issue is to approach it with your husband as nonjudgmentally as possible. 

If you take issue with him seeking out specific actresses, but generally are okay with him viewing porn when he's away, it will be important to be specific and concrete. For example, "I tried to turn off the alarm on your phone and I noticed your list of things to remember. I saw names of porn actresses, and I felt [insecure, upset, uncomfortable, whatever you feel is best] because [I felt you were comparing me to them and I didn't measure up, I felt inadequate because I'm only one person, I felt insecure because they were gorgeous, whatever you feel is best]." Just be specific about what you felt and why. That way, the two of you may be able to reach some kind of compromise. For instance, if he is open to it, you might suggest that he not specifically seek out a certain actress, but continually rotate his material. 

Also, I think you should know that if you take care of your body and put effort into your appearance, there is a very low chance that he sees you as "below" the porn actresses in any way. The best way for you to determine a.) why your husband saved those names and b.) why your husband views porn are to have a conversation with him. We here can only speculate.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Wiserforit said:


> You were so eager to rage about men that you overlooked the fact she does the same thing.


Seeing as you went to the bother of quoting me...why edit out the part where I acknowledged she was looking at porn too?

How very deceiving of you.


Oh and yes... I always go "sigh" when I rage.. :scratchhead:


I don't personally have a problem with porn in a marriage...as long as both parties agree before the marriage on it place and use.
But then my man was open and honest with me...so :scratchhead:

I dunno... I see THIS story so often on TAM... to me it seems to be a male version of 'switch and bait'. Before marriage the guy portrays a image of himself that isn't real or true. Then after the marriage takes place the wife finds out he was lying and keeping secrets...how can that NOT damage the relationship?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I watch plenty of porn. I've never made a list of porn stars. That's a bit weird. Anyway, based solely on my own feelings and experience, I suspect that the one/two times a week that you think is enough, isn't.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Seeing as you went to the bother of quoting me...why edit out the part where I acknowledged she was looking at porn too?
> 
> How very deceiving of you.
> 
> ...


My apologies. I was in the wrong here. 

Not going to go back and edit my original statement because that will be confusing. Best to just admit to being wrong and apologize. 

And you are right. He lied by omission.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

kittykatz said:


> I don't know for a fact that the names were saved for his own use, But I dont think its very far fetched to assume that they were. Did one of his friends/family members ask him one day "hey man, know of any hot porn stars?" and so he went on the internet and tried to find some? Sure, thats possible. Likely? Id say probably not. So yes I am making an assumption there but I dont think its a ridiculous, outrageous one.


I know a girl your age here in town who goes by the name Briana Banks. She even uses that name on her Facebook page. Look up "Briana Banks". She a blond porn star. This girl is not blond... she's dark haired Hispanic girl. Why does she use the name? It's her "professional name". She's a stripper and a prostitute. She uses the name because guys immediately get the connection and it's a "safe name" incase their wives find the name somewhere... after all it's a porn star that their husband will never meet.

But it's not THAT porn star. It's really the local sleazy stripper and prostitute.

Not to scare you.. but you really do not know what those names represent to your husband.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

*Re: I feel like such a hypocrite..*



kittykatz said:


> Thanks for your response. I guess talking to him really is the only way to get any answers or resolution but I will just have to go about it very carefully so that he doesn't feel I'm attacking him. He has hidden things from me before so obviously you're right, he doesn't feel safe with me. He just doesn't like arguments or confrontations so if hes doing something that he thinks I won't like, his way of dealing with it is just not telling me. Ive told him plenty of times before that there will always be times when I will get upset but I will be twice as upset about something if I find out on my own instead of him just telling me.
> 
> You bring up a good point. I think the fact that its two specific women is what bothers me the most. If it was just the name of a pornsite on his phone instead of two specific women, I would have still been shocked because I wasnt aware that he was watching porn anymore, but when he has the names of two individual women, I just automatically start to compare myself to them and ask myself "Does he think shes better than me?".
> 
> I know Im just being insecure and it sucks.... but its not something I can really help. Im not going to try to control his every move just because of my own problems though.... I may not like some of the stuff he does but all Im asking is that we can at least be open with each other.


I get this (I think). There is a technique to talk about matters that are likely to trigger a defensive response in your partner. It's called the 'disarming technique' (credit: David Burns, MD). You basically begin with a truth. You either find some truth in what your partner said and echo it back, or in your case, you express a truth about yourself and ask your partner to echo it back. Either way, you show vulnerability, and this it the key to opening up more intimate feelings. The conversation might go something like this: 

You: Hey Hon, from time to time, I enjoy watching a little porn, reading some racy stuff etc. It make me feel .... 

Partner: Yeah me too, I watch the stuff on the road when I miss you ....

You: This seems cool, as long as it doesn't impact our time & intimacy. What do you think?

I am not offering an opinion about the affect porn has on intimacy. That is between you and your partner.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

richie33 said:


> Is it possible those two names on the list were names of porn stars in the news, on a radio show he may listened to, television show? Porn is getting a lot of mainstream press lately....is it possible he heard or read something about and wanted to check them out later?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As a trucker there is a good chance he listens to satellite radio. Satellite radio does have sex channels as well as talk shows that might interview porn stars. I don't think it's farfetched to think he heard one of these radio shows and was curious to see what these particulate women looked like.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Im actually pretty sure he does listen to satellite radio and it could be very possible that he heard them on the radio and was curious what they looked like. And I guess its true that if he was obsessed with them he would remember their names without having to write them down. I trust him very much and I honestly don't think he would ever cheat on me or that the names represent something else, so im not worried about that. Technically he did lie when we first met by saying that he had never watched porn but I didn't believe him and I did finally get him to admit to it shortly after. I wouldn't say he actually "lied" about the fact that he STILL watches it since we have been married because I never specifically asked him... its just that he never told me about it. So I just assumed that he didn't watch it anymore. I really thought about this alot yesterday and I realixed that tnere really could be several reasons why the names were there. And even if he was watching porn, I've came to the conclusion that since I do it too, I have no right to be angry so I decided not to bring it up. I might say something to him like "you know its ok if u watch porn when you're gone right?" Just so that he knows... but I don't think ill bring up the thing about the names because since I've taken the time to think about it logically I don't think its a big deal. I don't think my husband views me as less than them either... he gives me compliments sometimes and he's never given me any reason to think he's not satisfied with my appearance... its just that I don't want to believe him for some reason. Its my own issues, not his. Anyway I wanted to thank everyone for the responses, you really have all helped alot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know - it doesn't sen like you should just up and tell him 'you know its ok if you watch porn on the road' - because in actuality you are not okay win it at all.

I do agree on the satellite radio. I was listening to one of the sex stations once and it was very eye opening. There's a fetish for everyone - that's all I can say about that.

I do get why women are threatened by porn stars and I absolutely believe porn can reach a destructive level. However - there is a 0% chance of a porn star wanting to be with any of our partners. The threat is in your own mind and what you imagine is going on in your husbands mind in relation to the porn.


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## kittykatz (Feb 22, 2013)

Well no I don't really like the idea of him watching porn but like I said, I watch it too sometimes... so that's what I meant when I said I feel like id be a hypocrite if I told him that I don't want him watching it when I watch it too. So I don't feel like I have room to say much... I can tolerate it as long as he isn't getting obsessed over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why wouldn't a porn star be interested in any of our husbands?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You know you are assuming this entire scenario. No facts.

That's not a good way to treat marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

kittykatz: OK, your logic makes sense.

But wasn't your question about looking for "insight?"

Maybe what's really bothering you is it's emblematic of a lack of the intimacy you crave. You shared something personal and private of yourself, "I think porn can be fun," and he......didn't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> Why wouldn't a porn star be interested in any of our husbands?


It's not that a porn star might not be interested in her husband (or your husband). It's that there is almost no chance at all the her husband (or yours) will ever get a chance to meet any one particular porn star.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Well, I'm sure everyones partners here are great catches and nice looking men. 

I imagine, though, that porn stars date and marry people in the business because that's who they are around and its a different way of life than those of us in the middle class (or even upper class.)

I totally love my husband. Hes a great catch. I'm just imagining him emailing Jenna Jamenson (this is the only porn name I know) asking her to dinner and her falling in love with him and him leaving me for her. Then what? Does she settle down and become a housewife or does he get to know shes at work banging 12 guys that day with penises 4x as big as his? He's already got a wife that he is concerned about getting off - can any of us seriously fathom how paranoid it would make a person to bang a porn star?!

That's what I meant.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I had to come back and state that I think my H's penis is perfect and I was not trying to disparage the size thereof.

I think we can all agree the men of porn are outside the standard deviation of regular penis size.

I have large breasts compare to a lot of ladies - but they are a standard size and would not compare at all to some of the porno boob jobs I have seen.


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