# My husband is driving me away!



## IamIrritated

I am going to try to make this as brief as possible. If I explained everything, you'd be reading for hours.

My husband and I have been married since June of 2007. When I first met him I thought he was such a manly man. Small things started happening that were subtle, then became OBVIOUS after I married him.

My husband is a VERY passive person. I am VERY assertive. I did NOT realize to what extent he was so passive until just recently.

The man lets people just walk all over him. It sickens me. I am no longer attracted to him because of this.

I have read in other forums that I need to be more positive towards him. How do I do this?

We have talked about this SEVERAL times. I have told him that it affects the way that I feel about him. He tells me he will work on it. NEVER does. It's the same thing day after day.

BTW-His passiveness DOES affect me. It keeps me angry a LOT. Or, as my screen name says...I AM IRRITATED.

I have a hard time sitting back watching this continue, and NOT saying anything to the people I see taking advantage of him.

And, this DOES bother him. He has told me. He just will NOT stand up for himself.

I no longer see him as a manly man. Not at all. I cannot talk to anyone about this because quite frankly, it is embarrassing.

I have tried to teach him how to tactfully stand up for himself without being a rude jerk. It doesn't do any good. His idea of being assertive is being a jerk. And, no, he doesn't even do that.

It takes him a considerable amount of anger to ever say anything at all.

OFF TOPIC but, those are the types of people that you hear about going on killing sprees. You always hear about it later...._"He seemed like a nice person. He was so quiet and to himself."_

Anyway, my patience with this is wearing thin!....real thin.

Any advice on how to handle this for myself?


----------



## KittyKat

Could you give a few examples to help us understand better? 
The two of you could have a difference of opinion on what you believe 'walking all over' is.
He might consider something a 'favor' while you consider the same thing as 'taking advantage of'.
Has he thought of taking a motivational course? How long did you know him before you married? There must have been some quality of a 'manly man' there previously.


----------



## swedish

My counselor gave me this on the subject (I have had the same issues as your H in the recent past):

*
Assertion Philosophy

To become assertive is to take responsibility for a relationship. Recognize some of the characteristics of assertion philosophy...

1. Each and every human being is entitled to dignity, respect and courtesy.

2. Human adjustment requires that you stand up for your rights.

3. By not standing up for your rights, you are encouraging the other person to continue treating you in the same unpleasant way by reinforcing his behavior.

4. If you don't exercise your rights, you cannot rationally resent people who do.

5. By not expressing yourself, you may be allowing things to build up inside which may result in an inappropriate and hurtful response later.

6. As stated by Albert Ellis: "It is unavoidable and undesireable to live your life without hurting someone."

7. As stated by Jourard: "Being polite out of fear of being offensive and hiding one's discontent with the situation or the behavior of the other, is a sure way of either destroying a relationship or of preventing one from really forming."

8. Not letting the other know how you feel and what you think is a form of selfishness.

9. If you don't tell someone what you think, you deny them the opportunity to change.

10. Each person has a right to express himself as long as the rights of others are not violated.

11. Mentally healthy people stand up for their rights; do not suffer from the "tyranny of the shoulds".

*

8 & 9 stuck out for me because I can be 'nice' to a fault so for me it helped to think of this differently...that it can actually be more helpful for relationships and the other person to be more assertive. Anyway, hope this helps.


----------



## IamIrritated

EXAMPLE: 

He has been working at the same restaurant, as a cook, for 2 years. However, they have switched owners 3 times. The owners that have the place now have had it since Sept. The people that own it are a 22 year old kid and his mother.

When he was hired, they told him they would have a dishwasher. They have gotten one, but cannot keep one.

My husband works for them 70+ hours a week. Has had exactly ONE day off since the end of September. ONE.

Yesterday he had car problems and was forced to keep his vehicle at work and get a cab home (I was at work and could not get him.)

I took him to work this morning and he says that he will have to tell the owner that when the place closes at 3PM that he will have to work on his car to utilize the daylight. Then he will clean the restaurant. UH, WHAT?!!!

This punka$$ kid leaves at 3:30, and so does his mother. Leaving my husband to do the dishes! That was NOT part of the deal! But, will he say anything? NOPE. Sure won't. If that were me, I would have tactfully said, _"I was not hired on to do dishes. I would also like to leave at 3:30."_

He has told me that he doesn't stand up to people for fear of them NOT liking him. Guess what? I am starting to NOT like him.

Keep in mind, this is just a tiny example. Things like this happen DAILY.

As for us having a difference of opinion about being walked on, well he knows he gets taken advantage of. He has told me.

We dated for a year, then got married. I met him in June 2006.

There WERE qualities of him being a manly man. I remember specifically one day shortly after meeting him him saying to someone else (just in conversation), _"There are 2 things in my life that you don't mess with. My money and my family."_

Why I remember that so vividly, I don't know, but I do. I thought, _"Wow. Now there's a man that takes care of his family."_

He has overheard my ex say things to me that most men would have a problem with. Derogatory things. Putting me down. Did he say anything to him. NOPE. Sure didn't. I sure as hell did though. Had I been in his shoes, I would have tactfully said, _"I would appreciate it if you did NOT talk to MY wife like that."_ But, did he? No. And, again, that's a tiny example.

This is a daily thing. I am at my wits end! I have had it. I am thinking of throwing in the towel.


----------



## IamIrritated

swedish,

I am certainly going to print that for him. Thanks.


----------



## KittyKat

Hmmm. The job thing is a tough one. Given this economy, he may fear he won't get another job or one that pays as well. Therefore he can't afford to stand up to these people (if it were me, I would have told them to stuff it). 
Can I ask you a personal question? Does it bother you in general that your husband is passive? Or does his passiveness interfere with your relationship (like taking time away from the two of you).

I'm just trying to get a better picture. You read my story. I got walked all over by my ex. But with other people, I don't take any crap off them. So I'm trying to figure out if your husband is the same way.


----------



## IamIrritated

KittyKat said:


> Hmmm. The job thing is a tough one. Given this economy, he may fear he won't get another job or one that pays as well. Therefore he can't afford to stand up to these people (if it were me, I would have told them to stuff it).
> Can I ask you a personal question? Does it bother you in general that your husband is passive? Or does his passiveness interfere with your relationship (like taking time away from the two of you).
> 
> I'm just trying to get a better picture. You read my story. I got walked all over by my ex. But with other people, I don't take any crap off them. So I'm trying to figure out if your husband is the same way.


No. He's not in fear of losing his job if he stands up for rights. I have told him how to do it tactfully. He is so NOT confrontational. Besides that, it's not just "these people." It was the owners before them and the owners before them. The list goes on and on. Same thing, different scenario.

_"Does it bother you in general that your husband is passive?"_ 

Yes. To me, right now, 'passive' is just a nice word for pushover.


----------



## swedish

When I first read #8 & #9 I didn't agree with it or didn't 'get it' until I started trying to find examples and the one I came up with was dining in restaurants. I am the type that doesn't send food back or complain about the meal/service...I'm guessing you would. Ask your husband who he would rather have as a customer? The dissatisfied one that will probably never return and will give a bad review if asked or the one who spoke up and gave him an opportunity to correct the situation?


----------



## Guest

swedish said:


> When I first read #8 & #9 I didn't agree with it or didn't 'get it' until I started trying to find examples and the one I came up with was dining in restaurants. I am the type that doesn't send food back or complain about the meal/service...I'm guessing you would. Ask your husband who he would rather have as a customer? The dissatisfied one that will probably never return and will give a bad review if asked or the one who spoke up and gave him an opportunity to correct the situation?


LOL, I would be extremely cautious about my tactics of complaining in a restaurant...ever seen the movie "waiting"? lol

Iamirritated, I have to be honest, your not helping the situation in my opinion. There is some reason he is like this. I would think something happened in his childhood that has probably had a scaring effect on him. Abusive father/mother, childhood bullies, etc. 

Take it from another type A personality and learn to calm down the storm a little. It will probably bring you some peace of mind, it is for me. It's a lot of energy to spend on being aggressive and letting people flip your switch.

I would suggest he sees someone concerning this and would strongly suggest taking courses for assertiveness. Also, polish up his resume and get a different job, that place has issues that will eventually probably leave him unemployed anyway.


----------



## IamIrritated

Jason said:


> Iamirritated, I have to be honest, your not helping the situation in my opinion. There is some reason he is like this. I would think something happened in his childhood that has probably had a scaring effect on him. Abusive father/mother, *childhood bullies*, etc.
> 
> Take it from another type A personality and learn to calm down the storm a little. It will probably bring you some peace of mind, it is for me. It's a lot of energy to spend on being aggressive and letting people flip your switch.
> 
> I would suggest he sees someone concerning this and would strongly suggest taking courses for assertiveness. Also, polish up his resume and get a different job, that place has issues that will eventually probably leave him unemployed anyway.


_"It's a lot of energy to spend on being aggressive...."
_

Being aggressive and being assertive are entirely different.


----------



## Guest

That's an interesting reply. Would you consider that being aggresive or being assertive and what font size is that?


----------



## IamIrritated

Jason said:


> That's an interesting reply. Would you consider that being aggresive or being assertive and what font size is that?


The font size was 7. 

I highlighted that because he was bullied as a child.

And, I wasn't trying to be a jerk with my reply. I just simply stated that being aggressive and being assertive are totally different.

Being assertive means standing up for your rights.

Being aggressive means standing up for your rights, but in a way that violates the rights of other people.


----------



## swedish

2 assertive people exchanging font sizes is scaring me away


----------



## IamIrritated

swedish said:


> 2 assertive people exchanging font sizes is scaring me away


Don't be afraid. We are here to protect the little ones.


----------



## Tawny Somers

> He has told me that he doesn't stand up to people for fear of them NOT liking him. Guess what? I am starting to NOT like him.


 I don't blame you. I would be grossed-out if my husband was a wimp!
It's disgusting, nauseating, and would totally turn me off sexually. I would have ZERO respect for him, as a man.

You need to sit him down and explain to him, calmly and lovingly, that he needs to work on this, because it affects your relationship.
My own husband is the sweetest man in the world, very quiet. But there is a line you do not cross. He has boundaries. He has self-respect. A man like your husband, has neither. He needs to know it affects your feelings.

Then, if you tell him and he does nothing, then there's nothing more you can do. I hope he realizes the seriousness of this and understands he needs to make some changes!


----------



## Guest

IamIrritated said:


> I highlighted that because he was bullied as a child.


That would be a great thing for him to work on. I had dealt with a lot of that as a child growing up in inner city schools. I took marital arts in high school and never dealt with bullying again. I'm assuming he is well beyond that point and would probably do him a world of good to take classes and get some counseling help in dealing with it.


----------



## IamIrritated

Tawny Somers said:


> I don't blame you. I would be grossed-out if my husband was a wimp!
> It's disgusting, nauseating, and would totally turn me off sexually. I would have ZERO respect for him, as a man.
> 
> You need to sit him down and explain to him, calmly and lovingly, that he needs to work on this, because it affects your relationship.
> My own husband is the sweetest man in the world, very quiet. But there is a line you do not cross. He has boundaries. He has self-respect. A man like your husband, has neither. He needs to know it affects your feelings.
> 
> Then, if you tell him and he does nothing, then there's nothing more you can do. I hope he realizes the seriousness of this and understands he needs to make some changes!


Well, I don't get "grossed-out" because of it. And, it hasn't caused any nausea, but it is a turn off.

I have sat him down and calmly, maturely talked about this. SEVERAL times. I get the same response...
_
"I'll work on it."_

And, he never does.

Some people have suggested positive reinforcement. But, how? How do you do this?


----------



## swedish

Well, I guess since he said he would work on it, positive reinforcement might be to recognize a situation when you are with him where he can be assertive and encourage him to do/say this/that...and when he does it, praise him for it. The more he tries it, the more he will realize he will feel better for it. A setback will be if he gets the response he worst fears...someone shouting back or making a snide comment, etc. It helps to know in advance a good way for him to respond in these situations so it doesn't make him regress.


----------

