# I want a great marriage ,what are the things I shouldn't do?



## IWantGreatMarriage

*I want a great marriage ,what are the things I should/shouldn't do?*

On the advice of a forum member, am opening this thread.
The first thing I learnt from here is how passive aggressiveness ruins relationships. I have been a passive aggressor my whole life. I will prefer to just crawl into myself than call someone out the moment I get offended. Getting better. but still work in progress.
So what are the things you shouldn't do if you want a great marriage? What helped your great marriage?
What are the things you should do? How do you think you contributed to the not so greatness of your marriage?


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## Zouz

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> On the advice of a forum member, am opening this thread.
> The first thing I learnt from here is how passive aggressiveness ruins relationships. I have been a passive aggressor my whole life. I will prefer to just crawl into myself than call someone out the moment I get offended. Getting better. but still work in progress.
> So what are the things you shouldn't do if you want a great marriage?
> What are the things you should do?


 Great topic IWGM,

Congratulation ,being open and willing to work on yourself are the first step ; and looking how determined you are ; you will reach more than just contentment with your husband hopefully ; otherwise it is a clear that he doesn't deserve you ...

My advise to you , is simple :

be yourself , the Charming Venus , like the Godess of fertility ; and am I not talking about sex ; I am talking about love , affection , and lifestyle , when you get upset express it fully ; when you are content ; express it ;not for your husband sake ; for your sake ; when you want something from him ; be clear of what you want ; express it and use your logic , your thinking , even your charm ; rather than just I want it ; and if it is important to you never let it go ; tell him how much important is that thing to you ; if it difficult to get , set a plan .( After 10 years of my wedding I discovered that my wife hates our bed !)


Make hobbies ; even if it is something simple and silly ; my mom used to paint on plates and mugs ,she was not an artist ; but she is the artist of affection in family ; and you should see how much laughing people were when one day we used the mugs for a hot drink ; men looked so odd with colored lips  haha .

Be an inspirer for yourself , your hub and family ; enjoy doing things that are chores for others ; because if you don't , you will end up like a small kid going to school obliged ; or like me the way I look at the mirror every day I go to work ...


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## IWantGreatMarriage

Zouz said:


> Great topic IWGM,
> 
> Congratulation ,being open and willing to work on yourself are the first step ; and looking how determined you are ; you will reach more than just contentment with your husband hopefully ; otherwise it is a clear that he doesn't deserve you ...
> 
> My advise to you , is simple :
> 
> be yourself , the Charming Venus , like the Godess of fertility ; and am I not talking about sex ; I am talking about love , affection , and lifestyle , when you get upset express it fully ; when you are content ; express it ;not for your husband sake ; for your sake ; when you want something from him ; be clear of what you want ; express it and use your logic , your thinking , even your charm ; rather than just I want it ; and if it is important to you never let it go ; tell him how much important is that thing to you ; if it difficult to get , set a plan .( After 10 years of my wedding I discovered that my wife hates our bed !)
> 
> 
> Make hobbies ; even if it is something simple and silly ; my mom used to paint on plates and mugs ,she was not an artist ; but she is the artist of affection in family ; and you should see how much laughing people were when one day we used the mugs for a hot drink ; men looked so odd with colored lips  haha .
> 
> Be an inspirer for yourself , your hub and family ; enjoy doing things that are chores for others ; because if you don't , you will end up like a small kid going to school obliged ; or like me the way I look at the mirror every day I go to work ...


Thanks Zouz for keeping your word.

Be myself? That's the problem. I can't be myself, because being myself as a passive aggressor will ruin the relationship. We will end up not talking to eachother for days and he will not know exactly why am not talking to him, while I will be thinking that he ought to know. And sometimes I do forget why I was angry to start with 
So I need to be a better me. I know expressing my contentment and discontentment will help me in all angles so am really working on that. When I see people that can draw hell when pissed, I envy them because I tend to operate differently.
I will always remember these words Zouz and work on them 1 step at a time.


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## VermisciousKnid

IWGM, the advice that is often given here when marriages are in trouble is to read books such as Five Love Languages, Love Busters, and others. I think you should read them in advance to see what behaviors you have or don't have that could cause issues. You said you are sometimes passive aggressive and are working on it. What do you mean by that? It's usually a deeply seated behavior that's fueled by anger. It's more of a basic personality type and those are hard to change.


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## Zouz

VermisciousKnid said:


> IWGM, the advice that is often given here is to read books such as Five Love Languages, Love Busters, and others. I think you should read them in advance to see what behaviors you have or don't have that could cause issues. You said you are sometimes passive aggressive and are working on it. What do you mean by that? It's usually a deeply seated behavior that's fueled by anger. It's more of a basic personality type and those are hard to change.



True Vermis , these are hard to change ; but starting from the point were is IWGM is ; she has great chances ; she has to change , because she is tired of being sad...

If she is lazy and selfish on top ; she will have a lot of difficulties , hope note , in this case she will be great


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## IWantGreatMarriage

VermisciousKnid said:


> IWGM, the advice that is often given here when marriages are in trouble is to read books such as Five Love Languages, Love Busters, and others. I think you should read them in advance to see what behaviors you have or don't have that could cause issues. You said you are sometimes passive aggressive and are working on it. What do you mean by that? It's usually a deeply seated behavior that's fueled by anger. It's more of a basic personality type and those are hard to change.


Hi VK. Thanks for responding. I think am more of passive but without the aggressiveness. When we first got married, if he did something I didn't like, instead of calling him out on it there and then, I will just recoil to myself. Kind of being moody. I will still do all I have to do, like caring for him genuinely, but will not give him the luxury of my company. Will only speak when spoken to, and speak to him only when necessary.
Does that make sense?


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## Zouz

IWGM , 
Change yourself to better ;
you are exactly like my wife , do you want to end up hated by your husband and considered selfish by you kids ?

17 years of our life our going into trash , for actually what ?

Nothing ! 

Don't do gestures that might be considered as no respect signs even during arguments ; this doesn't mean that you are not allowed to shout or scream or express yourself ;it just means that the actions during the argument are temporary ; not a black and white thing .

- Don't let social boundaries be more important from him ; from time to time accept that he might do things in public that you might not feel confortable about ...

- Don't anticipate , don't prejudge ; the worst thing happens is when a wife interrupts her husband while he is expressing certain idea ; she is trying to say cut it short I know what you mean; he reads it as an insult .

-When you give ; give because you want to give ; not because you are expecting something in return ; otherwise don't give .

-don't nag when he just come in; and don't create a wish list after the middle of the month ...

-Don't use silence treatment .

-Don't reject his initiations for silly things in a repetitive manner; if he initiated one day and you were tired ; don't expect him next day or day after to ask again and again ; take a step ...

-Never make him feel that he is abnormal asking for intimacy ; his only love language is through love making ; even if you didn't have the feeling ; enjoy some cuddling with him and offer to ge spend also sometime on an activity or something nice .

-Don't make him misunderstand your nagging purpose :
when you want his help , ask clearly for it ; when you are just venting make sure he knows you are just venting ....

-Don't make love making appear as a favor against services ; put clear line of what you expect from him in terms of services ;and even set a kind of punishment mechanism for it ( not sex ) .

Surprise him sometime that even though you had an argument that day , you would still like to enjoy love making to each other ; despite that issue was not resolved .

-Don't do favor to others that you will never ever do for him .

-Don't resent on him because you are upset from something else ; talk to him , and again define if you are venting or need his help ....

and finally Don't be sad all the time ; laugh loud even if u r in a fancy restaurant or cinema ; and react to simall things with fun ; the worst feeling to a Husband is when his wife is not happy ; because he goes in this case to his cave thinking that he hasn't done a good job .


Sorry if it is a lo0ng list ,but I want to ask you , is the list really harsh to implement ?

What is odd about it ?


If my wife did half of it , I will be a king .

Now with all this load , and divorce on the way ; I feel like so not valuable failing husband ...


best 

-


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## IWantGreatMarriage

Zouz said:


> IWGM ,
> Change yourself to better ;
> you are exactly like my wife , do you want to end up hated by your husband and considered selfish by you kids ?
> 
> 17 years of our life our going into trash , for actually what ?
> 
> Nothing !
> 
> Don't do gestures that might be considered as no respect signs even during arguments ; this doesn't mean that you are not allowed to shout or scream or express yourself ;it just means that the actions during the argument are temporary ; not a black and white thing .
> 
> - Don't let social boundaries be more important from him ; from time to time accept that he might do things in public that you might not feel confortable about ...
> 
> - Don't anticipate , don't prejudge ; the worst thing happens is when a wife interrupts her husband while he is expressing certain idea ; she is trying to say cut it short I know what you mean; he reads it as an insult .
> 
> -When you give ; give because you want to give ; not because you are expecting something in return ; otherwise don't give .
> 
> -don't nag when he just come in; and don't create a wish list after the middle of the month ...
> 
> -Don't use silence treatment .
> 
> -Don't reject his initiations for silly things in a repetitive manner; if he initiated one day and you were tired ; don't expect him next day or day after to ask again and again ; take a step ...
> 
> -Never make him feel that he is abnormal asking for intimacy ; his only love language is through love making ; even if you didn't have the feeling ; enjoy some cuddling with him and offer to ge spend also sometime on an activity or something nice .
> 
> -Don't make him misunderstand your nagging purpose :
> when you want his help , ask clearly for it ; when you are just venting make sure he knows you are just venting ....
> 
> -Don't make love making appear as a favor against services ; put clear line of what you expect from him in terms of services ;and even set a kind of punishment mechanism for it ( not sex ) .
> 
> Surprise him sometime that even though you had an argument that day , you would still like to enjoy love making to each other ; despite that issue was not resolved .
> 
> -Don't do favor to others that you will never ever do for him .
> 
> -Don't resent on him because you are upset from something else ; talk to him , and again define if you are venting or need his help ....
> 
> and finally Don't be sad all the time ; laugh loud even if u r in a fancy restaurant or cinema ; and react to simall things with fun ; the worst feeling to a Husband is when his wife is not happy ; because he goes in this case to his cave thinking that he hasn't done a good job .
> 
> 
> Sorry if it is a lo0ng list ,but I want to ask you , is the list really harsh to implement ?
> 
> What is odd about it ?
> 
> 
> If my wife did half of it , I will be a king .
> 
> Now with all this load , and divorce on the way ; I feel like so not valuable failing husband ...
> 
> 
> best
> 
> -


Thanks Zouz. Am not sure am exactly like your wife, but I do have tendencies to give silent treatments. Working on them though.
One thing with me though is that I give as if I have it in warehouse, and I never expect anything. I don't expect material things from anybody. If I need it, I work/save for it and I never try to keep up with the joneses. Who are they btw?
I don't think the list is too long or too difficult, but I guess your wife never got the list when things where still salvageable. If she did, she probably would have tried.
And about the sadness, thanks for that. I won't say am sad all the time but I will like to be more carefree, and not try to plan everything.
I really appreciate this list. Do keep them coming. Am sure it will help many wives


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## SimplyAmorous

4 things to stay away from...

Predicting Divorce: The Four Horsemen of the Apocalpyse 



> *** *Criticism*- the act of passing judgment as to the merits of another / faultfinding. "Criticism is “really a way of fueling the attack, so you state your complaint as an attack on the other person.” ... “It’s not constructive, it winds up leading to an escalation of the conflict" ......No Criticism Please!
> 
> *** *Contempt*... When we communicate in this state, we are truly meaning - treating others with disrespect, mocking them with sarcasm, ridicule, name-calling, mimicking, and/or body language such as eye-rolling. The target of contempt is made to feel despised and worthless.....The Danger of Contempt
> 
> *** *Defensiveness*- conveys the message, “*The problem is not me. It’s you.*” From this position you imply that, because your partner threw the first stone, they are responsible for the entire conflict. You avoid taking responsibility for your own behavior by pointing to something they did prior to their complaint about you. You do not acknowledge that which is true in what they are saying about your behavior.
> 
> Defensiveness: The Poison Pill to Relationships
> 
> *** *Stonewalling* -
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> also known as "the Silent treatment". .. stonewalling is the absolute refusal to consider your partner’s perspective. If you listen at all, you do it dismissively or contemptuously.This is the passive-aggressive stance many people take during a fight. It's the "Nothing's wrong, I'm fine!" said even when there is clearly something wrong.
> 
> Other common songs of the stonewaller are:“Just leave me alone…”...“Do whatever you want"....“End of conversation"..."that's enough"....
> 
> Stonewalling: How to recognize and fix ......... How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Relationship - Stonewall


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## Zouz

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> Thanks Zouz. Am not sure am exactly like your wife, but *I do have tendencies to give silent treatments.* Working on them though.
> One thing with me though is that I give as if I have it in warehouse, and I never expect anything. I don't expect material things from anybody. If I need it, I work/save for it and I never try to keep up with the joneses. Who are they btw?
> I don't think the list is too long or too difficult, but I guess *your wife never got the list when things where still salvageable.* If she did, she probably would have tried.
> And about the sadness, thanks for that. I won't say am sad all the time but I will like to be more carefree, and not try to plan everything.
> I really appreciate this list. Do keep them coming. Am sure it will help many wives


I might be putting some pressure ....

It is to push you more and more ....


I always believe , it is a shame that 2 grown up partners , educated well most of the time , they give up on marriage because of things that turn to be so ridiculous ....

My wife got everything I can deliver ; from "His needs her needs questionaire ", wich she threw litteraly in my face ,all about martisians and venuses , my lists , so many things ....

she allawys believed or showed me that I am a sex maniac , because I try to approach her 2-3 times per week ...

she was also trapped in services exchange which I warned her so many times ....
I was a giver for 15 years , and I gave and gave and gave and gave ....while she sleep and sleep and sleep and resent ....

so many times I handed a list like this , when it din't work , I picked the best person close to her ( her sister ) and made her memorize the list , as she was convinced that my needs are so simple to be satisfied ... and said to me , these are your needs hehehe , Definetly she didn't know about them ; that's why she is not aware ....

This was 3 years back ....

and I stayed awake , again and again and again , 

My wife is a BPDer , things are either very white or very black ....

since early this year , I changed ....
She shut me down completly ....

I don't even look when she is changing ...
she is a good roomate by now ; as she is lowering the TV voice at night ...


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## jld

I think it's pretty common, when people are upset, to either act out or to withdraw emotionally. Since you are one to withdraw emotionally, do you think you could challenge yourself to speak up and say what you think, instead of resorting to silence?

I believe strongly in transparency and have been transparent with my husband since about the second day of our relationship. I just do not hide from him at all. Whatever I am thinking or feeling just comes out, however it comes out.

My husband was very surprised at first, and some of the things I said made him angry. But then he realized that if he would put his anger aside and just listen to what I was saying, he could learn a lot. He told me that he realized that my transparency made living with me very easy.

I think the best gift a woman can give her husband is her transparency. No guessing for him.


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## IWantGreatMarriage

Thanks SA. Is there a way to print this out? Just the image or pasted part? We both need to see it everyday


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## IWantGreatMarriage

jld said:


> I think it's pretty common, when people are upset, to either act out or to withdraw emotionally. Since you are one to withdraw emotionally, do you think you could challenge yourself to speak up and say what you think, instead of resorting to silence?
> 
> I believe strongly in transparency and have been transparent with my husband since about the second day of our relationship. I just do not hide from him at all. Whatever I am thinking or feeling just comes out, however it comes out.
> 
> My husband was very surprised at first, and some of the things I said made him angry. But then he realized that if he would put his anger aside and just listen to what I was saying, he could learn a lot. He told me that he realized that my transparency made living with me very easy.
> 
> I think the best gift a woman can give her husband is her transparency. No guessing for him.


Thanks Jld. I will try that. But my problem is that my H has an explanation for everything. So he ends up not validating my feelings or calls them irrational. This leads to my thinking that there is no need speaking out since it will be dismissed and make me look crazy for being upset about something.
I have made some progress though. I manage to cheer myself up much faster than I used to.


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## SimplyAmorous

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> Thanks SA. Is there a way to print this out? Just the image or pasted part? We both need to see it everyday


Could just copy & paste into a word Document , then print.. so many wonderful & helpful articles on communication.. self awareness.. 

I will add some some links to further explore ideas to keep things burning bright.. holding that connection..

The more "compatible" a couple is... generally the smoother the marital ride will be...there will always be areas we are OFF -just don't see things the same, can't understand WHY the other feels that way...(maybe one is a homebody & the other a social animal...one a spender -the other a saver ).....these things can cause conflict with us banging our heads against the wall...

So to learn how to take these differences, put them on the table.. work with each other...both caring enough to come half way to meet each other ....to find the compromises you both can live with ... WITHOUT resentment.. not always so easy.. but necessary to avoid those horsemen above.....

1. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html.
2. Thought this was a great article on communication...and YES, healthy couples FIGHT!  PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE - Communication 

3. One of the best books on marriage (so I feel).... His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage  it has a chapter devoted to each Emotional need (listed below) -which can be in various orders to the importance to us... 








 Emotional Needs Questionnaire












4. A healthy self awareness to our own short comings/ faults is HUGE...... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...transforming-our-marriages-relationships.html

5. Understand each others conflict style... http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ead-4-types-5-1-ratio-marriage-conflicts.html

6. Validating our spouse.. the little things can mean so much ! http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/39565-validating-your-spouse.html

Ok , I just read this..


> * IWantGreatMarriage said*: "Thanks Jld. I will try that. But my problem is that my H has an explanation for everything. So he ends up not validating my feelings or calls them irrational. This leads to my thinking that there is no need speaking out since it will be dismissed and make me look crazy for being upset about something."


 There is often is a disconnect with our temperament differences also....when one is high on the bar in *THINKING/ Logical * over *FEELING/ emotional* ... the H may not be able to grasp understanding his wife in the way *she needs*.... often times men need to have their eyes opened more in this area...it can be difficult always "eating it" as you have done. I hope , if your H is willing to better his listening skills.. with your trying to reason together....this will go a long long way...if he can come to understand how important THIS IS TO YOU.. 

7. Keeping the communication spark .. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ng-intimacy-insight-open-ended-questions.html


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## IWantGreatMarriage

Thanks SA. We both have a lot to learn from this. I bought His Needs, Her Needs but we never got round to doing the questionaire. He is more of a practical sort of person and feels things like that are not necessary, that every marriage is different so we should not follow a text book/or a forum.
The only option I have really is to lead by example, but sometimes I wish he will just listen and consider other people's opinion tips on how to go this journey so we have a smoother sail.
Thanks again for the insights


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## richardsharpe

Good evening Iwantgreatmarriage
You've already done the most important bit - you want it to work.

My thoughts:
Don't expect perfection in yourself or your partner. Neither of you is perfect, and you don't need to be.

Never get into the mindset of of comparing with each other - of counting favors or chores. Both of you should do all you can for the other.

Sex - keep it frequent and exciting. Try to never turn your partner down for anything that they want when they want it - and they should do the same for you. If its something you really can't stand, that's OK, but always do your very best to please them, and they should do the same for you. Sex should be higher priority than almost any chore.


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## scatty

I really think we got lucky. Yet, we can't expect to STAY lucky if we don't communicate, spend A LOT of time together, and respect each other. No complaining about each other, except to each other so we can fix whatever needs to be fixed. 

No OS friends for us either. Be an open book. Of course, we need our own time too, but communicate that you need to be alone/with friends, rather than seethe or resent each other. When you argue be the first one to say "this has gone too far and I love you too much to continue being angry at you."


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## Atomic girl

Simple, keep your fights clean and the sex dirty ☺


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## Ikaika

I can't tell you what you can do, I can only tell you our story. Each marriage has its own story. Take from our humble story as you wish. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?p=2044057


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## unbelievable

I'm certainly expert on building great marriages but I've helped screw up a couple. My advise to you is more to myself.
#1. Arguing is not evidence of a bad relationship. In the best teams, members feel secure enough to say what's on their mind and they do. They honestly, sometimes loudly, point out what's wrong and they fix it. I thought sucking stuff down was keeping peace. It's not. It's just as damaging as whatever your partner is doing that pisses you off. If you can't be loud, angry, fearful, stupid, wrong, right, depressed, or ugly with your partner, don't get married until you can. Your partner should be the one person on earth you don't have to pretend with and they shouldn't have to pretend with you. 

#2. Do not need to be married or in a relationship. Be secure enough in your own skin to be perfectly content being single. Be financially secure enough to not need financial help. Once you are there, if you want to add someone else, that's great. You don't want to have to have a relationship to be happy or complete. Once in, you don't want to be unable to leave if that's what's required. If you are ok with being alone, every day you are with someone it's because you chose to be with that person and no other reason. Nobody's trapping you, nobody's doing anything to you against your will. Pick a partner who is just as secure in their own skin.


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## CincyBluesFan

*Re: I want a great marriage ,what are the things I should/shouldn't do?*



IWantGreatMarriage said:


> On the advice of a forum member, am opening this thread.
> The first thing I learnt from here is how passive aggressiveness ruins relationships. I have been a passive aggressor my whole life. I will prefer to just crawl into myself than call someone out the moment I get offended. Getting better. but still work in progress.
> So what are the things you shouldn't do if you want a great marriage? What helped your great marriage?
> What are the things you should do? How do you think you contributed to the not so greatness of your marriage?


A lot of love, communication, dedication, and more love. If your spouse is your absolute best friend you'll be fine. Don't be like too many people and try to analyze everything to death. Relax and enjoy life. I've been married 29 years to my sweet wife. She's so awesome. Great mom, smart, beautiful. She's my partner, lover, and best friend. Don't sweat the small stuff.


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## the guy

*Re: I want a great marriage ,what are the things I should/shouldn't do?*



IWantGreatMarriage said:


> On the advice of a forum member, am opening this thread.
> The first thing I learnt from here is how passive aggressiveness ruins relationships. I have been a passive aggressor my whole life. I will prefer to just crawl into myself than call someone out the moment I get offended. Getting better. but still work in progress.
> So what are the things you shouldn't do if you want a great marriage? What helped your great marriage?
> What are the things you should do? How do you think you contributed to the not so greatness of your marriage?


One thing you should never do = never hold her purse.

One thing you should do = never turn down sex.

There's my $0.02 on my 24yrs of marriage!


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## EleGirl

Look in my signature block below. There are links to 3 book about how to build a passionate marriage. The best advice I can give you is for you to read those. Then get your husband to read them and to do the work they guide you through.. do that work together.


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## IWantGreatMarriage

Thanks everyone. This site has helped me a lot since I have been lurking for the past year. I wish more people will come here to learn how to never land in a bad place in their marriages, instead of trying to get out of the bad place having landed there.
And am getting better at being expressive. H did something I didn't like yesterday and noticed I wasn't happy. He asked "Are you ok?". My default response would have been "Am fine" but remembering SA's post (I have decided never to use the stonewalling words so help me God), I actually said "No am not ok" and explained why. To my suprise, he acknowledged my feelings and said he was sorry. That saved us an evening of unhappinness.
Thanks once more SA and everyone


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## jld

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> Thanks Jld. I will try that. But my problem is that my H has an explanation for everything. So he ends up not validating my feelings or calls them irrational. This leads to my thinking that there is no need speaking out since it will be dismissed and make me look crazy for being upset about something.
> I have made some progress though. I manage to cheer myself up much faster than I used to.


Just speak your truth. He doesn't have to like it or agree with it or validate it in any way.

But it will make him think. It will weigh on his conscience.


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## SimplyAmorous

IWantGreatMarriage said:


> Thanks everyone. This site has helped me a lot since I have been lurking for the past year. I wish more people will come here to learn how to never land in a bad place in their marriages, instead of trying to get out of the bad place having landed there.
> And am getting better at being expressive. H did something I didn't like yesterday and noticed I wasn't happy. He asked "Are you ok?". My default response would have been "*Am fine*" but remembering SA's post (I have decided never to use the stonewalling words so help me God), *I actually said "No am not ok" and explained why. To my suprise, he acknowledged my feelings and said he was sorry. That saved us an evening of unhappinness.
> Thanks once more SA and everyone*


Wonderful to hear... I just had to post this..if you go to google images and punch in "*When a woman says*"... and read some of those.. oh my.... I was laughing... but there is some truth to these things.. just as you admitted here.... 










See Your husband acknowledged your feelings... wonderful !! ! When we are honest, humble & authentic...you will see this happen more so.. if you married a KIND caring man that is....

Here is another write up that can help you when it comes to offering those Truths when you are feeling hurt, steamed, whatever it is stirring within....

How and When to Use "I" Statements | Anger Management - Compassion Coach


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## OMG

Love it all comments are precious and help me to try. One thing i can't imagine is how could I be able to be good in bed while we are not in good terms just before we go to bed? i create a page Please advice me!! so that i could understand how to be two diffent person in bed and in life because my H usually been nice on the bed and the reveres other times. I belive he is not happy on my rejection of his approch for sex but how could i be interested with somone i couldn't see on the face moments ago??????????????


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## arabian

OP...ask and ye shall receive

*Happiness vs. Longevity*



> One of the biggest differences between people, particularly women, who have been married a long time and people who are unmarried is their differences on their views of sex, happiness, and longevity of the relationship/marriage.
> 
> I have said before that people in marriages, or people who are very pro-monogamy, generally view the length of the marriage as more important than the happiness of the two participants.


Happiness or Longevity? - An Experiement - The Blackdragon Blog


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## Steve2.0

Dont settle down (and i dont mean 'dont get married').... I mean dont just assume that sleeping in the same bed, and living together, is enough to keep her interested and desire you.

As relationships get older, the bond increases, but the 'desire' decreases. You need to keep things interesting and put actual focus and attention (energy) to planning things for her.

After 7 years of never planning dates, or outings with my wife, the simple SHIFT in me now planning date nights is making her surprised and interested again.


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## toblerone

Steve2.0 said:


> Dont settle


Advice I should have given myself!


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