# Asking/Initiating



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Over time in TAM I've noticed a very common trait among many married couples, people ask for sex to initiate. I'm rather curious about this because my pride disallows me to ask, unfortunately the missus asks for it many times (which I don't like).

For me it kinda spoils the mood, being asked for it. I like to initiate by "pushing the buttons" so to speak, teasing/flirting/sweeping, and I like the favor repaid. Am I the only one? Just curious really...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

If you reject her when she tries to "push the buttons", then she'll start asking to avoid that rejection. 

I don't generally ask, unless I'm really uncertain if he'll be in the mood. Mostly I either wait for him to let me know he's ready, or I just start working on him and see if it goes anywhere. 

I think it all really just depends on the couple. Some couples are comfortable asking, some are comfortable just doing. Just like anything else that goes along with sex, love, or relationships, it's all preferences for each unique couple.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> If you reject her when she tries to "push the buttons", then she'll start asking to avoid that rejection.


Hmmm... =/


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

My husband never rejects me for sex, he actually loves the fact that I am such a horny wife. 

So I have no problem initiating, when I want sex, I just take him, he lies there and lets me have my fun, great feeling......................

My husband needs to cum maybe once in two or three days, when he wants to cum, show starts......................

I noticed that my husband needs to come more often in summer but less in winter. 

I read that sunshine affects a man's sexual desire!


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

I agree with atruckerswife...I have been rejected when I've flirted and teased my husband. Don't do it anymore, now I bluntly ask..it is a less vulnerable approach but women don't like rejection anymore than a man. 

Think it is sad that a wife has to do things a certain way to be accepted and unconditionally loved by her husband. Why don't you look at the bright side...she wants you, not every man this to brag about. That seems to be the #1 complaint men have not enough sex....and your wife can't approach you the right way??? hhmmm?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

We had a code word when we first started living together. Well, it was actually like a code sound. And we'd do it in a question type way and then the other would nod yes or no and that meant to proceed. We don't ask each other now or even do that. One just goes for it. I don't turn him down, and he doesn't really turn me down, he just might not be very responsive when I test the waters. But if I grab him, he's all in, LOL.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

With us its kind of organic, how it flows. I'm in the mood most of the time and she gets in the mood at least once a day. So basically it always starts with her just fondling me


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

1) I do not like initiating. 
2) I do not like asking.
3) I like the chase, so I make myself available and like teasing and talking sexy. I like my husband to be agreesive and show me he wants me. (maybe I need to switch it up)


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Tough one this....males are the predators...but we are also human so its nice to be wanted! I, as I think any other 'normal' male, would LOVE to be seduced by their wife! Women like to be 'taken', it makes them feel wanted, desired, important.
We are no different!


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> i really dont understand this initiating or not initiating.....if i want it i will just say, hey.....why are all your clothes on for???
> or something like HEY we should be haveing sex...sometimes we do and sometimes we dont.
> 
> when he wants it, there is no talking, he will just flip me over and take off my clothes, not all the time. some days we talk about it in advance, and set it up, like kids sleeping, after sex food on stand by..smokes for after...drinks..


yup we are the same way.




************************************************
(quote by random:
I'm rather curious about this because my pride disallows me to ask, unfortunately the missus asks for it many times (which I don't like).

For me it kinda spoils the mood, being asked for it. I like to initiate by "pushing the buttons" so to speak, teasing/flirting/sweeping, and I like the favor repaid. Am I the only one? Just curious really... )
******************************************

i dont think your the only one,but i think/thought most men would love their wife to initiate.


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## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

Mrs. In Love..But said:


> I like the chase, so I make myself available and like teasing and talking sexy. I like my husband to be agreesive and show me he wants me.


same here.but im to shy to tell my husband to be aggressive.
he has at times,but i want it more.


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## Wild1 (Dec 29, 2010)

Izabella said:


> im to shy to tell my husband to be aggressive.



:redcard:



Forgive the way this sounds - but IF you are having sex, being shy is one of the main reasons posts like this one get put on this forum:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/20104-no-longer-desire-sex-my-lady.html



For heaven's sake - you are doing the MOST intimate, most vulnerable act you could possibly image (generally being fully naked as well) and _asking / initiating _(yes, even playfully - or even just take "a hold" of the situation) & sex makes you shy to work with him on this?

WOW. Really, WOW.

Think about it


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

All she has to do is start getting undressed and say "What to fool around"??
I've never turned her down-Ever!
There has been times when she will walk up to me and start stroking me off through my pants. I'm like Iron in 30 seconds or less-not kidding.


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## lace5262 (Oct 13, 2010)

We don't ask. Sometimes when he's at work, I will tell him I wanna [email protected]%$ when he gets home, or I'll tell him what I'm going to do to him. So I don't ask, I tell him what I want. Most times though, it's non verbal seduction, that's what he loves, and I love the chase. Aggressive is always good. I love to be man handled. That is hott:smthumbup:


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

My H told me flat out a couple of years ago that if I walk up to him, unzip him and put him in my mouth he won't say no. So I go with that a lot of the time. That and the sexting gets me pretty far in life LMAO


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I don't "ask" either. Once he came home from work, I attacked him, dragged him upstairs, and seduced him in the bathroom, kids must have been in our room. We had friends coming over soon & I feared I would be antsy hoping they would leave early cause I had other things on my mind. When I want something , I pretty much go for it. Very touchy /feely/teasing like . Thankfully he is happy for the seductioins. If not, it just wouldn't be good.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

Ideally, I'd like for it to be spontaneous, but when i work so much and we have two little kids - its not like that. 
Sometimes I ask, or she will (but not out of some carnal need, more out of duty).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> ....when I want sex, I just take him, he lies there and lets me have my fun, great feeling......................


GP, I have to ask, a bit off-topic but... I hope I'm not prying but I'm rather curious - don't you have any expectations from him?

AKA - perform more then just lying there?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> GP, I have to ask, a bit off-topic but... I hope I'm not prying but I'm rather curious - don't you have any expectations from him?
> 
> AKA - perform more then just lying there?


You mean him lying there for me to have fun? 

I just need him to give me his big toy!  

I understand that I want more than him, my sexual desire has always been higher than his. Started in May 2010, I have become even hornier, maybe because I had finally achieved my mental peace. I am peaceful and happy. I don't want to exhaust him, so when I want sex, I just want to be on top of him, his arms around me, him having a big erection which is easy for him. Then I wiggle a few minutes, achieve my orgasm. When I am horny, I need to cum, I think you know that feeling very well, after I cum, I feel very satisfied, cherish the kind of body I have, cherish the kind of life I have, cherish my husband a lot......................

He cums once in two or three days, I think this is very normal for a man, it is not like that he doesn't have any sexual desire, it is not like that he is not sexually attracted by me. It just happens that I am a woman who have a high sexual desire. I am different, he is normal. He loves me, he knows it is very important for me to cum, and he enjoys his toy being inside of me!  It is like his toy inside of my mouth, I guess few men don't like blow jobs!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It seems you're very understanding and supportive of your husband. Wish the missus could learn this from you at least. Haven't brought this up with her yet again and no interest in doing so at the moment, I'm hoping that continuing to make her feel loved and secure will make the problem go away but I don't know (it's not working so far)

If I don't perform up to expectations (I can't just lay down in bed), its the same as rejection when it comes to the missus. Same whines, same guilt-trips, same arguments, same suspicions that something is wrong. Even after satisfying her I can't even run off unless an interruption. To the point I now only cum one-off-blobs instead of the ropes and ropes like I used to... ok that was embarrassing =/

Throughout 2 years it seems she slowly pushed me for more and more, I took over the business, expectations raised, I quit booze, expectations raised. Now, I'm not even sure if my plan to re-affirm her is even working, because it's just raising expectations even more. I rarely have the thrill of the chase with the missus, and I have no idea how to handle this situation at all.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Your wife is half Chinese, and you said that her family is rich. She might have the traits of rich Chinese, Chinese rich women expect a lot from their men. They expect their men to keep on making more and more money, there is no end. A man with a lot of money, and that man treats her like a gu nai nai( a woman who doesn't need to do anything at home, she has maids to serve her, she has a lot of jewelry and expensive clothes!) They want to tailor make their men. 

When they have financially successful husbands, they are worried about infidelity, so they want to drain their men sexually. They have strong sense of insecurity since our history allowed men to have more than one wife. 

Insecurity is a serious problem a lot of people have. They feel insecure, so they want to be more controlling, but they don't know that they get opposite result. The more you want to be in control, the more you are stressed, and you just drive the other person crazy! 

There is one thing you can do to help her easy her insecurity, you can let her spend time with you a lot, let her know what you are doing, let her know where you are and who you are with.

Some women have issues with jealousy, don't know if your wife has that problem, if she is a jealous woman, she can also make your life very difficult by not trusting. I remember you said that you flirt with other women a lot, it can also cause jealousy and insecurity. 

Anyway, a peaceful marriage needs two people to act maturely and responsibly.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Mrs. In Love..But said:


> 1) I do not like initiating.
> 2) I do not like asking.
> 3) I like the chase, so I make myself available and like teasing and talking sexy. I like my husband to be agreesive and show me he wants me. (maybe I need to switch it up)


How do you tease in a way that your husband never feels bored?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

GP, does you husband feel sex is a routine whenever you need his tool, same foreplay, you grab and make it hard, same position, you sit on it and make yourself O? 
Will he feel bored with such daily routine?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> GP, does you husband feel sex is a routine whenever you need his tool, same foreplay, you grab and make it hard, same position, you sit on it and make yourself O?
> Will he feel bored with such daily routine?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I just asked my husband if he feels bored about our sex routine, his answer is NO! He has a happy smile on his face! 

I don't feel bored either! 

Fire and passion is going on in our hearts! 

We just feel comfortable around each other, we feel great fondling each other, we feel wonderful being inside of each other! We are naked together quite a lot. We do all kinds of flirting and seducing together! 

And my husband is always exploring my body, we started with normal position, then different kinds of positions, then making me cum orally, then fingering my ass, now he fingers my clit sometimes just to make me itchy.................. He did it today before I took my nap, made me very horny....................


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I don't ask because I don't have to. My husband usually initiates sex. When I get things going, I send him racy emails or make a dirty phone call when he's at his desk. It makes me hot to know that he will be thinking of making love to me all day long.
My husband's obvious desire for me makes me feel like a sexy woman.


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## thoughts2words (Dec 13, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Over time in TAM I've noticed a very common trait among many married couples, people ask for sex to initiate. I'm rather curious about this because my pride disallows me to ask, unfortunately the missus asks for it many times (which I don't like).
> 
> For me it kinda spoils the mood, being asked for it. I like to initiate by "pushing the buttons" so to speak, teasing/flirting/sweeping, and I like the favor repaid. Am I the only one? Just curious really...


I wish I had that problem! My wife doesn't ask or iniate often. Kind of weakly hints and I have to guess.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

we just kind of know most of the time. during the week is very busy as i work late and he is running the girls to dance, cooking, supervising homework,that by the time he picks me up we are both tired. We know by the end of the week its building and we just turn to each other. I asked him about it and he says he likes it that we seem to just know. Unless Im sick, migraine, back out (sometimes not then, i just tell him the positions i cant do, lol) I hardly ever say no.

I would like more game playing during the day to set the tone though, but he doesnt seem interested in that. I sent him a video of me masturbating and he just laughed it off. Ive tried racy texts but that doesnt do it for him either.

but the sex is regular and really good and reading here, i guess i should be glad i have that, but, i want us to be AWESOME together and not just good, lol.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> Your wife is half Chinese, and you said that her family is rich. She might have the traits of rich Chinese, Chinese rich women expect a lot from their men. They expect their men to keep on making more and more money, there is no end. A man with a lot of money, and that man treats her like a gu nai nai( a woman who doesn't need to do anything at home, she has maids to serve her, she has a lot of jewelry and expensive clothes!) They want to tailor make their men.
> 
> When they have financially successful husbands, they are worried about infidelity, so they want to drain their men sexually. They have strong sense of insecurity since our history allowed men to have more than one wife.
> 
> ...


It's interesting you mention this (a little nervous on the non-private section but meh, should be safe), although she is very individualistic... she does seem to feel closer to her Chinese side even if some distrust her as "gwallo" - she also knows only 1 euro language, yet 3 sino languages (or dialects), in addition to English. So this is very possible that she got that influence.

In the past also during our golden days, there was never any jealousy, and I loved her for it. Since infidelity on my part though... meh. In regards to jealousy, she does seem to show her claws nowadays whenever any women of two certain ethnics gets within a metre of me (she's become semi-racist! lol), I have a weakness for two specific ethnics, one my own - and another for dark skin (both fetishes), but I no longer act on those, and I no longer flirt with them in front of the missus.

Hence why I'm doing this lovey dovey crap, re-affirming her, but at the same time it's raising expectations even higher, and I'm wondering if I'm doing something wrong. Or if this plan is even working, since I've brought out the worst in her, now I don't know how to fix it! Short of doing something like... hmmm this:

YouTube - Good Luck Chuck Penguin Suit Song

@Mslonely


> How do you tease in a way that your husband never feels bored?


I wrote about this before, post #6:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/20552-i-want-all-time.html#post235795

Is it any help?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I don't know how to fix it!


Random,

Very often there are things in our life we can't fix. We have to realize that the problem is there, we can't fix it, we live with it. We are not superman, we can't fix all of our problems in our life. 

The kind of method I am using now is daily goal. 

I set a daily goal for me. 

I make sure today everything is fine, make sure my job is fine, my safety is fine, do things at home to make sure my family life is fine, don't let people's unkindness bother me because it's just not worth it for me to be bothered by them, my cheerful mood is more important to me! 

I don't try to fix things, if I can fix it, it is already fixed. If I can't fix it, I fix it by living with it!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So... no penguin song? Heh

There has to be a way, this is an internal issue, not an external one, and she was never like this in the past. Meh, nevermind, it's not a breaking issue.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> So... no penguin song? Heh
> 
> There has to be a way, this is an internal issue, not an external one, and she was never like this in the past. Meh, nevermind, it's not a breaking issue.


Dude, internal issue is even more difficult to fix, it is difficult for people to change! 

If they set their goals to change, you need many years to see the result! 

Once in a while you will feel some accomplishment, but you don't see it often. 

While I was struggling with my anger problem, very often I saw myself fall back into my old self. It took me almost two years to feel controlled. 

And after I solve this problem, I have another problem to work on, introspection keeps on telling me I have problems I have to work on. 

Do you know what kind of problem I have to work on now? 

I have to work on my problem dealing with angry people on forums!

I know I will always meet rude people on forums, I just have to learn to live with it! I just have to learn to deal with it. I can't expect them not to show up in my life on forums!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, but you're not married to those people lol - besides there's an on/off switch 

Meh, I'll think of something, I'm not giving up. Or I can move our pole from the garage into the house, but meh I'm bored of her dances, it's just exercise equipment lol (I use it too... from time to time , hell thank the heavens for anonymony sometimes!!!). Or I can just wait it out, continue operation lovey dovey, weather the storm of higher expectations and hope in the end she'll finally meet me halfway, either way I'm developing 'ammunition' regardless by this. Or hell just wait till my little warrior grows up so the missus can start full-time work instead of simply enjoying life.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

greenpearl said:


> I just asked my husband if he feels bored about our sex routine, his answer is NO! He has a happy smile on his face!


My husband is the same as Greenpearls, I know with him, we could go the rest of our sexual lives doing 1 position (probably cowgirl) with him never or rarely suggesting another if I didnt care & he'd be "satisfied". We only did 2 positions for the 1st 19 yrs of our marraige when he had the higher drive. Believe it or not, some men are "happy" with the same ol' routine. (I do not believe this is anywhere near the norm though). 

I desire MORE Variety and Spice than him.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> My husband is the same as Greenpearls, I know with him, we could go the rest of our sexual lives doing 1 position (probably cowgirl) with him never or rarely suggesting another if I didnt care & he'd be "satisfied". We only did 2 positions for the 1st 19 yrs of our marraige when he had the higher drive. Believe it or not, some men are "happy" with the same ol' routine. (I do not believe this is anywhere near the norm though).
> 
> I desire MORE Variety and Spice than him.


SA,

I really value the fact that our husbands are nice men! 

They love us, they accommodate to us, they let us do things we like! They put up with us when we are being unreasonable, etc, etc............................

Whenever I think about the wonderful man I have, my void of other things disappears!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Yes, but you're not married to those people lol - besides there's an on/off switch
> 
> Meh, I'll think of something, I'm not giving up. Or I can move our pole from the garage into the house, but meh I'm bored of her dances, it's just exercise equipment lol (I use it too... from time to time , hell thank the heavens for anonymony sometimes!!!). Or I can just wait it out, continue operation lovey dovey, weather the storm of higher expectations and hope in the end she'll finally meet me halfway, either way I'm developing 'ammunition' regardless by this. Or hell just wait till my little warrior grows up so the missus can start full-time work instead of simply enjoying life.


I am trying to let people hurt me the least, I do many things in my real life so I can avoid being hurt by people. 

My nature is to heal, but some people's nature is to hurt! 

People who hurt me on purpose are usually jealous people because I am happy and I am organized, I do things they don't do, I don't do things they do. I have things they don't have, I don't have problems they have. All they can do is to throw hurtful words at me because there is no other way they can make me look bad. 

One time a woman on a Chinese forum was snarling at me because I was divorced, she used that against me, she said I am not a good woman since I was divorced. 

I need to vent too, now my vent is over! 

We are supporting each other. 

I am going to forget my problems!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Don't know how you guys survive a sexual routine and still find it very exciting after many years.
I believe your husbands still make you feel butterflies in the stomach. So do you think it's a lot easier for you to feel satisfied when your emotional needs are fulfilled?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Don't know how you guys survive a sexual routine and still find it very exciting after many years.
> I believe your husbands still make you feel butterflies in the stomach. So do you think it's a lot easier for you to feel satisfied when your emotional needs are fulfilled?


I think this is very true. It's the reason why we look past mediocre sex when we first fall in love, only later to realize that we aren't physically satisfied with the person we're with once those "in love" feelings level off.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

MsLonely said:


> Don't know how you guys survive a sexual routine and still find it very exciting after many years.
> I believe your husbands still make you feel butterflies in the stomach. So do you think it's a lot easier for you to feel satisfied when your emotional needs are fulfilled?


I am glad that I had experienced a lot of pain before my husband came into my life. 

I never fell in love with any men before I met him. I didn't allow men to treat me disrespectfully, if I saw the man showing disrespect to me, I left right away, never had a chance to fall in love. 

Even with my ex, it was a kind of trade marriage, I felt I needed to marry a man for a better life, he felt he needed to marry a woman since he was thirty. There was no romantic love! 

What my husband gives me is way better than what I had. Emotionally he really fills the tank, so you are right, we don't mind our routine sex life because we are emotionally happy with each other. I cherish him from hair to toe! I do my best to keep this man I love! I don't do anything to ruin his love for me! He is so happy because he has such a devoted wife. 

Sex comes from a loving relationship. When you love each other, you desire each other's body. Then sex strengthens a couple's romantic relationship because the lust they have for each other tells them they are strongly in love!


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