# Husband and two kids with ADHD is it them or me?



## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Hi! Married 25 years, been together 29. We have two kids, both college age and with special needs. We just sent our youngest off to college this fall and even though I had concerns with her health issues, I let her go because she needed to learn how to adjust in the real world and learn about herself. I thought this was going to be time for the hubby and I to do reconnecting. Son has Asperger's, highly functioning but has no social life, failed three semesters at college and abruptly quit his job of three months and been sitting at home for three playing video games. I also inherited my grandmother for three months who has dementia and blood clots and got her back to walking. She has always been there for me so I felt I needed to be there for her. It caused a huge strain on our relationship because my husband who works as a mechanic, couldn't stand when my grandmother repeated everything a million times and at sundown talked in a high pitched voice. She constantly talked about one of her daughters and it drove him over the edge. In the meantime, my daughter's health goes down the tubes and I am dealing with all that while telling her talk to counselors, she did nothing to help herself, hubby would mutter under his breathe every time my grandmother got loud. I have high anxiety and this got on my nerves. This situation wasn't easy by any means, but I have dealt with slams from my mother in law for the last twelve years at her week to 2 and a half week visits. My grandmother only made one visit prior to this. I felt he should have been more supportive of helping out with two kids that do nothing to help themselves. I explained the muttering every time she got loud increased my anxiety issues and he continued. He said it bothered his ears, yet he works in a shop with extremely loud machinery all day?? On top of that, I have bit my tongue when his mom came for both kids high school graduations and made scenes, interrogated my parents, my kids and asking how much money we spend( she doesn't contribute to us) and just outright nosy. Plays manipulative games and hums non-stop. This hubby tolerates. No my anxiety has worsened into depression, and I feel even more disconnected not only from him but the kids as well. They blame stuff on their adhd. I tried to talk to my daughter about my medical condition and have a serious discussion. She starts cracking jokes and can't stay on topic. I also had two cancer scares within two weeks of each other and that did not help. If I start telling them about something I like or want that they don't deem worth their time( anything from music, food, clothes, I am a huge disney fan so disney items,etc) they start criticizing me and making fun. Or I get why would you even want that? Is this my depression and anxiety overthinking this or do I have valid issues for feeling like this is not acceptable and that I feel like my husband chooses what bothers him and what doesn't? Don't we all have to take one for the team once in awhile? I feel like I have ADHD because of them. Is this normal?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Why?

Why do you allow this to happen?

Not trying to be mean or flippant.

You are burning your candle at three spots, both ends and the middle.
You are going to flare up and out if you don't stop.

Grandmother that has dementia - are you trained to take care of people with dementia? If no, then you shouldn't be the sole support for her.
If you want to let her stay with you, then you get other family members to help pay for a service that can take care of elderly patients with dementia.

Just that scene will/can cause a marriage to fail.

This needs to be addressed before you need to move onto your other issues. 
Learn to triage.

The mother in law - learn to step up and tell her to shut up. She's a bully and you'll no longer allow her to treat you as garbage.

The daughter - tell you husband to step up and start helping there. This isn't a one parent show and he needs to talk to her as well.

The son - sorry about the hand fate has dealt you. Here's the new deal, you're not going to live in the basement of my house playing games. It doesn't matter what ailments/conditions you have. Here's the reality of what your life will now be like. Then explain what he *WILL DO*. Your husband must back you up on this.

When your kids are disrespectful, cut off money, access to food, etc. You're the parent, not an ATM, not an emotional punching bag. not the reason they are in a situation of their own making.

I understand you have grown kids with needs, so you obviously need to tailor your decisions to their ability to understand. Your husband had best step up to the plate and support you.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Wow I got stressed out reading this. First of all I am so sorry your dealing with all of this. It sounds like your life is spinning out of control and you have no support system. You are on your way to a mental breakdown If something doesn’t give. 

No one knows how you really feel inside, so first things first I would very calmly talk to your husband about how stressed you are and how you really need his support and a little extra kindness right now. 

When I am over stressed and to the point of little things really pushing me over the edge I make it really clear to those around me in a nice way. Like... hubby if I hear you complain one more time about my grandma I think I’ll cry. Please I’m so stressed and little things like that are pushing me over the edge. 

You need to know where you are mentally and do what’s best for you. And if your husband and kids aren’t respecting that after you calmly and blunting explain it to them then I don’t know what to tell you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On @snergs post..

He is correct. That is the way you treat these other family members.

Except when they are your' family members.




TH-


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Your situation sounds untenable. Anyone would be on the breaking point if they were in your shoes.

The husband is the first one to deal with. Tell him how you are feeling, that you need not only his support, but he needs to do some heavy lifting.

Let him know that you can't back out now, but depending on how he helps or doesn't help you is affecting your love bucket and ultimately your commitment to the marriage. (If it isn't causing you to re evaluate your marriage, it should be.)

Adult video gaming son: dad needs to tell him the gig is up. Son must have a job at all times, or be actively looking for one if he is not in school, or he must live on his own. He can live under a bridge if that is what he chooses to do, but if he wants to live with you, he must be showing signs of improving his life, contribute to the family (you decide how this looks) and be "fun" to live with.

MIL: Boundaries. Stand your ground. If your husband does not reinforce your boundaries by a conversation with his mom, the you will have to re evaluate the marriage, because you aren't going to live with that kind of disrespect for the rest of your life.

Grandmother: figure out how you can get her into a home for people with dementia. You cannot do it all alone. Do not feel guilty, because she won't know the difference anymore with her dementia.

Daughter: Tell her how her cracking jokes hurts you because you are really in pain and needed understanding.

After you get your grandmother out of the house, consider moving out too. None of your family respects you, and that is not going to stop as long as you allow it. When they know you will not tolerate it, they may change. You don't have to divorce, but when you move out, and like not being treated badly, if your husband doesn't have a major shift of perspective, you might decide divorce is the next logical step for you, and it won't be so difficult to do.

Major changes must be made for your life to improve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tamara24 said:


> I also inherited my grandmother for three months who has dementia and blood clots and got her back to walking. She has always been there for me so I felt I needed to be there for her. It caused a huge strain on our relationship because my husband who works as a mechanic, couldn't stand when my grandmother repeated everything a million times and at sundown talked in a high pitched voice.


Why did you "inherit" her for 3 months? Where is she now?

You are clearly not equipped to take care of your grandmother. So don't do it. Your guilt is driving you to do things that are only going to destroy your marriage.

I get why her voice would bother your husband. He does not want her in his home. It's his home too. He has a say.

Why does your daughter use her ADHD as an excuse? It's not. You are going to have to push back on her and tell her that she needs to figure out how to function in this world. It's her life now.

The same with your son. You are allowing him to become non-functional. 

What stands out the most in your post is that you have created a family dynamic where everyone steps all over you and pushes you around emotionally. Then you complain about anxiety and depression. We teach people who to treat us. You have taught them that what you think and feel does not matter. So change it. Start teaching your children and husband that this is not ok. You probably need to get into counseling to get help with what you need to change to re-train your self and your family to change the dynamic.

Get the book "Codependent No More". Codependency is when you put the needs of others ahead of your own wellbeing. It's time you start putting yourself first.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I inherited my grandmother because her four children wanted to put her in a nursing home when she got really sick. They didn't give her time to even recuperate and they were already discussing what they would be getting. She called and asked if she could come stay with me. I was able to get her weaned off the heavy drugs, no dizzy spells and walking again. She still needed supervision because she would forget she had taken meds and try to take more. I did send her home and we had to drive two days later to her house in another state for an unrelated family event. She fell two hours before I arrived. When I got there she was talking and eating like nothing was wrong and when I went to help her get ready for bed, she couldn't walk. She fractured her pelvic area in two spots and is currently in a rehab center. The hubby was completely on board with her coming here but I don't think he realized how much work it was going to be to wean her off all the narcotics, countless appts and no alone time. In the meantime, we had to fly daughter home because she was ill. I realize having two special needs kids can be really stressful all by itself, but my gram was the only thing stable in my life when I was growing up and I felt like I needed to help her when she needed help. I have always had anxiety issues from childhood mixed with depression, but I am in overload. I feel like nobody is contributing and they expect me to clean it up. Kids basically know, I am not shoving them out because of medical issues but I am completely exhausted. Hubby says he is going to help more, yet that lasts for a little bit. I think he realized this year that I am way beyond patience but he doesn't know what to do. I actually think he should go to a new doctor for the adhd meds and maybe something for stress. We definitely don't have the normal household. I also waited until my daughter came home from school and presented both kids with a list of tasks that need to be completed daily. Both kids were mad but I said if you don't like it there is the door. Two days of not doing the items on the list results in no car privileges for a week. No phones, or computers until everything on the tasks lists are completed. My daughter tried pulling the you are a terrible mom and didn't support me enough emotionally card. I blew up and said you have had more opportunities than I did and you took advantage of it, now I am not dealing with it. She can't work, due to her illness, and her classes were spaced so she could rest in between. I didn't raise them to be this way, they had chores, went to church, we volunteered in school and in organizations such as boy scouts and girl scouts. I repeat things all the time because I feel like I am not heard. This irritates them. But they won't stay on one topic to find a solution or try to figure it out. I am on meds, but frankly I think if everyone pitched in and there wasn't this constant bickering and just waiting for life to come along attitude, I wouldn't be on them. I thought my son who I refused to pay after third semester of failing classes lied, that he would learn his lesson. Get bored being at home and it took him six months to get a job. He had it for three months and quit abruptly. He does have an interview tomorrow, so I am praying that will resolve itself, and I told him that when we saw progress in going to therapy, being responsible, and accountable with his stuff then we would help him with school but until then he is completely on his own. Frustration is just so high. I am tired. I am a people pleaser because that is how I survived but I am getting tired of things evolving around them. I have talked to hubby and he says he will help and he picks up the pace. I know he is sick of the situation too, but I am the bill handler, the doc apt person, on top of a seasonal job, and taking care of the house. I do the cooking, cleaning and he will help with occasional laundry and vacuuming. I am not an angel, I totally lose it. But they just push until I hit that point. Then it is like look out crazy mom on the loose. That just gets me even more ticked. I researched my daughter's condition and the importance of her meds. She abruptly stopped taking the heart medication. So, of course I lit into her about it. When we see her my husband says, do you know people can die from doing that with your condition and she says,well mom said it but I thought she was just being dramatic as usual. One thing I do not do is dramatize an already horrid situation but I also joined support groups and learned different ways other people handle my daughter's medical issues and what has worked for them. I am like try stuff to you find what works for you. She is a more, I don't want to try it because I will get my hopes up and it will stop working kinda person. Therefore, I am the dramatic one. I just can't take anything else.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I am equipped to take care of gram as I do have patient care experience in dementia and Alzheimer's
.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

What are you doing to take care of you?

You know how they say you must put on your oxygen mask before you can help others? 

Where is your support? Or are you ready sacrifice yourself?


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

I honestly can say I don't have any support. I do not want to sacrifice myself..in fact I would like to find myself. I am exhausted and some days I feel like getting in the car and just not come home. I am lonely. Not because I don't love my husband but because I feel alone.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Bless your heart! But it seems like the inherited ADHD seems to reached contagious proportions, at least as far as you're concerned!

It's indeed time, @tamara24 ~ that you started putting your needs more squarely into the forefront, before you start losing whatever little resolve that you have left!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, please stop thinking of ADHD as something that puts your children in the special needs category. It is not like your son's ASD or whatever else your daughter has going on. It's a different way of being wired that can make certain executive functioning tasks more challenging. But it's also something that can be effectively coped with through a combination of medications and behavioral strategies. It's not a reason for failure, and it's not an excuse for laziness, emotional abuse, cruelty, or taking others for granted. It means your kids would likely do better in jobs that don't require long periods of boring office work. It means they might function in modern society a little better if they take something to help them retain focus. It means they could probably benefit from professional help in learning coping skills to better manage attention, time, excitability. It does not mean they can't participate in a healthy family life, attend college, have successful careers, have functional relationships or be contributing members of society. There may be other reasons they struggle - health issues, ASD, etc. - but the ADHD should not be the culprit here. If they're ADHD, they need to learn to manage it - which it is possible to do - not use it as an excuse for bad behavior. And I say that as the mom, sister, daughter, girlfriend, friend, employee and co-worker, of a circle of some of the most ADHD-ridden folks you've likely ever seen, all of whom have managed successful lives. 

Obviously, both of your children are capable of being at least mostly autonomous and functional adults. They both spent time in college, apparently away from home. What that means is that you are now _allowing_ your grown children to hover in perpetual adolescence. If that worked well for everyone, then great. However, it's very clear it's not actually working well for you. You're on the verge of a nervous breakdown. You need to set some healthy boundaries for yourself. Work with a therapist to help you figure out how to be okay with setting boundaries, not allowing yourself to be abused, and saying "no". "No" is a complete sentence, and using it doesn't make you a bad person. You need to learn to respect yourself enough to insist on respect and good behavior from your family.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

When my son was about 6 months old, my oldest aunty decided that my grandmother should live with me. She was just starting to show the signs of dementia and alzheimers. I had two kids under 5 and then, my two cousins wanted to come to NY to look for work. My kids had a babysitter but she did not know what to do with my grandmother. So, I had to leave meals for her. My babysitter no longer had the house to herself during the day and she quitted. So, I had to take my kids to one of those house sitting places. 

My cousins did nothing. The slept all day for six months. Eat whatever they wanted. Did no laundry or help with cleaning the house. They partied all evening and weekend. Did not help with my grandmother at all. She was their grandmother too. I love my grandmother. She was my everything. 

But life was hard and stressful. My husband kept out of the house. LOng hours at work and disappeared on the weekend. My marriage was in trouble and no one cared. 

Everyone of my aunts and uncles would call with advice on how to take care of their mother. But no one wanted her. 

I started getting anxiety and heart palpitations. I was lucky that I had some older cousins who stepped in and took my grandmother for weekends. Until, it got so bad that she started to take her meds more than she needed. I was working and could not oversee her all day long. One day she put her pills all over the house and my kids started finding the pills and playing with them. That was the end for my husband. 

without consulting anyone, we found a nursing home for her. She had money and we put her in. She stayed there for about 5 years. They took good care of her. I visited every two weeks. She was with people who could care for her and she had other people to socialized with. Which was important. 

My oldest aunt does not speak to me because of this. But who cares? My mental health was most important. 

I had my aunty collect her kids because they were not finding jobs here (because they didnot look) and I could not take them in anymore. It was not working out.

Life was good after that.

My advice to you, is to get your kids back into school nearby and have the support office at school help them. Make sure they are on their meds. Everyone needs to take care of themselves. (My son is getting help from his support team in college and the professors have all been very helpful once their learn of his disabilities. They have set up ways for him to turn him smaller projects more often instead of one big project. He gets to bring home certain tests and do them at home and he has been allowed to turn in smaller papers a few times a month instead of whole long paper). So if you work with the college support team to assist him and her, they will receive help.

Mum will no longer : 
do laundry for them
clean their rooms
give them money
cook for them

In order for them to stay home:
Must be in school full time
or part time school and work
work full time.

Remember to take your vitamins and get some exercise. Go for a walk, read a book or listen to music. Take care of you. Speak to your husband about how you feel but don't make it sound like you are accusing him of anything. 

Good luck.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My daughter has Aspergers, and she too will try to use it as a crutch, and excuse for getting out of doing things she doesn't want to do. While I on occasion will make allowances or tweak a situation that I know could cause her to feel stressed, she still has to participate. She has to at least try. 9/10 she ends up having a great time. 

Your son can't be allowed to hide away in his room for the rest of his life. You must have certain expectations of him, and require certain things of him to allow him to stay at home. 

I really wish they wouldn't class Aspergers as a "disability" or "special need", but they do. It doesn't mean that he doesn't understand, it means that his brain processes things differently, and it may take longer for the message to get through, but he still understands it. I know there's more to it than that (boy do I know), but the bottom line is the real world isn't going to make those allowances for him, or allow him to behave the way he does. Best he learns that now.

You need a therapist for yourself, or even to book an appointment once a week for a massage so that you can get some relief from the heavy load you're carrying.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rowan said:


> OP, please stop thinking of ADHD as something that puts your children in the special needs category. It is not like your son's ASD or whatever else your daughter has going on. It's a different way of being wired that can make certain executive functioning tasks more challenging. But it's also something that can be effectively coped with through a combination of medications and behavioral strategies.


Repeated for truth. Since when is ADHD considered 'special needs?'


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

OK, I didn't go through all their medical because I didn't want it to sound like I am absolutely insane. My son had Aspergers and rheumatoid arthritis along with adhd. My daughter caught the flu in fifth grade and it caused viral form of a paralyzed stomach which then triggered an autoimmune disease caused POTS(posticular orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and IBS.) She is being tested over the summer for Ehrlo Danlos. I do not believe in any way that ADHD is the only culprit. But ADHD plays a huge part in forgetting things, getting distracted and not completing things. Son has an interview tomorrow and I pray he gets it. Having three people in one household does not help things at all. I am exhausted. I feel like no matter what I try they just ignore it. Hubby has had MONTHS to contact people for hurricane damage and he still has not handled it. Yet he has time to play games on his phone. Or look up random facts about people who starred in a movie we recently watched. We talk about it and I say you said you would call and low and behold, he will say I know I forgot. After awhile it just gets old. I have considered divorce, but he has been my best friend and part of me feels that this has caused a huge rift in our marriage. I feel like I am the only adult in the relationship. It's not that he is a terrible person, it's just that he has absolutely no follow through and he only gets involved with the kids situation when I am at my breaking point. Because he doesn't get involved, when I try to have him back me up, the kids just outright say he is only saying that because he doesn't want you mad at him. Even the kids realize he has no authority but they have no issue running to him when I absolutely refuse to budge on something. I don't understand how all this could happen to me. I try to keep a positive outlook, I don't talk about all this at work, or even to friends because I don't want to be one of those people that others think just make this crap up! Or Geez here comes the Debbie Downer. I feel cursed.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My very ADHD, and medically fragile, son will be graduating from high school this month. Since he was quite small, he's been aware that there's a rule that when he graduates, he doesn't have to go to college, but he can't stay at home. He can work full time and support himself, go to school full time and live on-campus (which we will help him pay to do), join the military, whatever, but he cannot simply stay home and exist on my dime forever. He's opted for college and working part time. Because he knows, with 100% certainty, that I love him deeply. And that I would still absolutely boot his ass to the curb without hesitation if he didn't have clear plans for his future that he was actively pursuing. There will be zero endless adolescence here. No question, ever, of him being that 20-something who's still couch surfing at Mom's. That's my boundary. He knows I will enforce it. 

Which brings me to my point, OP: Boundaries. You haven't any. And you need them. You also need to learn to give up control of things you cannot control anyway.

Start by calling the people you need to about the hurricane damage. It's clear your husband won't, and he's had his chance. He's not a child, so you can't mom-guilt him into behaving like an adult. If he won't handle things, you do it. From now on, give him a set time frame and then just handle whatever the task is yourself. Stop trying to parent him into being an adult. It hasn't worked, it's not working, it's not going to work. Unless the man would literally die without your immediate assistance, learn to allow him to fail or succeed on his own. Sure, you're parenting him, but you're also controlling him. Stop. Let him be the adult you probably thought you were marrying. He'll either step up, or you'll realize you're tired of parenting a grown-ass man and that it would be less work to be single. 

If you got hit by a bus or struck by lightening tomorrow, would your kids starve to death trapped in your home? Or would they figure something out? If it's not 100% definitely the former, then they can and should be doing much more for themselves than they are. Sit your children down and explain to them that they are adults now and will need to start acting like it. You will no longer be doing chores or caretaking for them. They either need to leave the nest or at the very least, start contributing to the household. That means school and/or jobs. They also need to start acting like independent adults who can take care of themselves. Then, stop doing their laundry, cleaning up after them, cooking for them, shopping for them, making and managing appointments for them. Stop adulting for them and let them learn to do it for themselves. They need to be as independent as possible, for their sakes and for your own. Make concrete plans for helping them to get that way as quickly as possible. Get a therapist or some appropriate counselor or social worker, if necessary, to help you with how to do that. But the biggest factor is going to be you. Stop doing for them. Unless they are literally going to die right now without your help, don't do it. Whatever 'it' is. Really, just stop enabling them to be dependent.

There's no need to be harsh, angry, or loud about any of this. Just be calm, state what will and will not be happening going forward. Don't argue about it. It's not a discussion. These are your boundaries. Then, abide by those boundaries. Quietly go about doing exactly as you've said, without anger or strife. Don't allow your husband or kids to abuse you, but don't let them whine to the point you just start doing for them again either. Find the strength to set and maintain your reasonable boundaries, and stop allowing your family to use and abuse you.

It's fairly clear, OP, that you are a loving, nurturing, caring person. And it's killing you. Let a therapist help you figure out how to say "no" when you need or simply want to. In the mean time, start by reading some books that may be helpful. I suggest _Codependent No More_ by M. Beattie, _When I Say No, I Feel Guilty_ by M. Smith, and _Boundaries_ by Cloud and Townsend.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My daughter also has some other medical issues on top of her Aspergers, including the fact that she had a full spinal fusion 18 months ago. 

It's still not an excuse to hide away in her room playing on the computer for the rest of her life, which she would happily do if I allowed it.

I want her to have the same opportunities in life as everyone else where possible. I want her to be able to live on her own if she wants to. I want her to be able to rely on herself, so that she can travel if she wants to. She won't be able to do any of these things if I mollycoddle her constantly. She has the potential to be brilliant, I love her too much to not require certain things from her.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like you have your finger in the **** - you are just hanging on and certainly not moving forward. Sometimes, the sheer 'overwhelmingness' of things paralyzes us. It's completely understandable.

I think I would try to just focus on one thing at a time. Target just one issue and decide on a potential solution and implement that. (For example, get the son off the video games and into some kind of work.) Then tackle something else. Sometimes getting relief of any kind, even if it's a small thing, can make a big difference.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Update on the situation. My son got the job and is at least working. He got a car accident settlement that wasn't enough o buy a car but could be a sizable down payment. Within the first week alone, he blew a grand. On computer stuff. I was livid. My husband went back to work and has since injured his foot. I don't know how. His road rage is just out of control. He has to carry on like a mad man every time he gets in a car about someone. I am beyond caring at the moment, I feel like I have shut down any emotion whatsoever. He got me a puppy to train as a service animal, sweet ,huh? Well the puppy has been extremely sick. I have been trying to get my hours in at work and he refuses to get up to help with the puppy at night at all. It's the exact same way he was with the kids. Oh I didn't hear them? It's in the same room with us for Pete's sake! I don't believe him. I confronted him and pretty much told him I felt we were over. my resentment of him not stepping up and not doing things has just killed the good things. He starts in on he has never felt like he does now and he doesn't know what is going on with himself, he just can't keep it together...etc. I can't even feel concern because I am so tired of hearing the whining and nothing getting done. He started school this semester and didn't even complete a single class. His excuse, he could get through the first course and didn't know what to do. So he never contacted teacher, never aske for actual help, he just did nothing. I finished my hours at work and working on things getting done at home. But I have no joy or excitement left. Just feel like the grass would be greener on the other side sometimes. Is it time to get out or is this depression? The daughter is getting help next week. Do I stick this out or do I run for the door. I want to be with someone who actually can do what they say. I feel like I am the complete head of the household. I didn't want to be in this position, yet I am stuck here because he won't step up. I don't need a man to take care of me, I want a man who can work with me and take charge when he needs to. Does that make sense?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Thanks for updating. Sorry nothing has really inproved.

If you plan on making an exit let your husband know. Sit the kids down and let them know you have nothing more to give and will be moving out. Each of them better take care of themselves because you wouldn't.

And by the way, if i was in your position i will leave. I would run the hell away.

And dont even nother thinking about a new man for now. Just find your joy again and start living life.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

tamara24 said:


> OK, I didn't go through all their medical because I didn't want it to sound like I am absolutely insane. My son had Aspergers and rheumatoid arthritis along with adhd. My daughter caught the flu in fifth grade and it caused viral form of a paralyzed stomach which then triggered an autoimmune disease caused POTS(posticular orthostatic tachycardia syndrome and IBS.) She is being tested over the summer for Ehrlo Danlos. I do not believe in any way that ADHD is the only culprit. But ADHD plays a huge part in forgetting things, getting distracted and not completing things. Son has an interview tomorrow and I pray he gets it. Having three people in one household does not help things at all. I am exhausted. I feel like no matter what I try they just ignore it. Hubby has had MONTHS to contact people for hurricane damage and he still has not handled it. Yet he has time to play games on his phone. Or look up random facts about people who starred in a movie we recently watched. We talk about it and I say you said you would call and low and behold, he will say I know I forgot. After awhile it just gets old. I have considered divorce, but he has been my best friend and part of me feels that this has caused a huge rift in our marriage. I feel like I am the only adult in the relationship. It's not that he is a terrible person, it's just that he has absolutely no follow through and he only gets involved with the kids situation when I am at my breaking point. Because he doesn't get involved, when I try to have him back me up, the kids just outright say he is only saying that because he doesn't want you mad at him. Even the kids realize he has no authority but they have no issue running to him when I absolutely refuse to budge on something. I don't understand how all this could happen to me. I try to keep a positive outlook, I don't talk about all this at work, or even to friends because I don't want to be one of those people that others think just make this crap up! Or Geez here comes the Debbie Downer. I feel cursed.


I got to speak up... Okay, Im ADHD I also have calcified pericarditis and had open heart surgery at 17 years old, and medically died on the table two weeks later from complications. A literal medical miracle i survived, i grew up to be a married mother of three sons all under the age of 10. At 27 my gallbladder died and went necrotic on me, almost died again... Then when i was 28 I had hernia surgery. I am not SPECIAL NEEDS, you and making SPECIAL allowances for unaccountability in your children. 

I dont think you are making this up. And I think you are super amazing for trying to do it all but you got to realize you cant. You cannot hold your kids hand through life, health problems or not. Sooner or later they need to manage their medical. Sooner or later they need to find out how to put a roof over their head. What if you were not there. Your husband... They need to learn. Better they stumble while you live than crash when you die. 

Sorry for being the debbie downer. 

As a majorly health flawed and acutely ADHD individual i think you have some spoiled brats for kids.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

It's not just the ADHD. Daughter can go two days without eating, takes two to three hours to get out of bed because her blood pressure goes high and she can pass out and has tachycardia. If she starts puking, an instant ambulance ride to the hospital. She can end up in the hospital with a cold if it messes with her pacemaker and stomach issues. Iv fluids are given weekly. But all three have ADHD and multiple issues. Sometimes, I feel like I can't focus because I am pulled in a million directions and I can't focus.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

tamara24 said:


> It's not just the ADHD. Daughter can go two days without eating, takes two to three hours to get out of bed because her blood pressure goes high and she can pass out and has tachycardia. If she starts puking, an instant ambulance ride to the hospital. She can end up in the hospital with a cold if it messes with her pacemaker and stomach issues. Iv fluids are given weekly. But all three have ADHD and multiple issues. Sometimes, I feel like I can't focus because I am pulled in a million directions and I can't focus.



Then you must to a degree let go of the outcome. Teach those that can be taught how to manage themselves because at this rate your our health will suffer and then what help and good will you be? Life preserver hun... Put yours on.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

brooklynAnn said:


> And by the way, if i was in your position i will leave. I would run the hell away.



Hell, I can top that.

I would have already been gone.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

Then why do I feel bad when I feel we are supposed to be there for each other. We clearly aren't. They are out for themselves and I am stuck. If I leave I have limited income, plus not enough to support myself unless I move home and deal with my gram's situation and that would be like jumping from one fire to the next.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You then need to be out for yourself. Nail down the most disrespectful ones, make a list and then determine who needs you more, and also who deserves your effort. 

Weed it down to a smaller level for yourself. This is not your fault, nor is it your mess to clean up alone. You need to not worry about divorce or leaving, just live for yourself more. Start listening to you and say YES to yourself and learn to say NO to everyone else.


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