# Tricky Situation



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

What the heck do you do if you love your spouse but not sexually attracted anymore? due to weight gain... please no offended women.. just being real.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How is this time any different from the time you started the following thread?http://talkaboutmarriage.com/#/forumsite/20516/topics/54448?page=1&postid=1016720

Sounds like you've never come to terms with your wife's weight gain. If you've mentioned your lack of attraction to her and she's done nothing about it, then you have a choice, either ignore it or divorce and find someone who fits your idea on physical beauty.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

yes i guess i feel stuck.. maybe no one has an answer really..


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

socal04 said:


> yes i guess i feel stuck.. maybe no one has an answer really..



There are countless threads on this topic and what may be the answer for one person might not be the answer for you. 

From browsing your old posts your marriage has been in trouble for a long time. It seems like her wieght is the least of your problems, sorry.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

this post annoyed you?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, I did not read your old posts but did you ever think that your wife's weight gain is a symptom of your marriage problems? Unhappy or depressed people may eat more, eat more unhealthy carbs and have little motivation to exercise or be active. (Been there, done that.) Then, you communicate to wife verbally AND non-verbally that you do not like her appearance and that feeds her unhappiness and feeds your marriage problems. (Been there, done that too.) When was the last time you told your wife she was beautiful and REALLY meant it? (Been there, last night, - my wife, not yours!)

Rent (stream online) the movie "Fireproof" from Amazon for $3.99 or buy the DVD for $4.99. Watch it with your wife when you have no distractions. You need to break the cycle of unhappiness. The movie will not cure your problems but it might motivate you to start.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

its actually much better I asked a legit question... for me anyway.. u seemed to have an attitude. for no reason..


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

thanks blueinbr


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

socal04 said:


> this post annoyed you?


If you are asking me because of my post, no the post did not annoy me at all, sorry. It is a tough situation. You did not provide a ton of detail in your OP, I skimmed your old threads and there are issues going back 5 years. Is this your major issue right now? Has there been improvement in the other areas?


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

kristin2349 said:


> If you are asking me because of my post, no the post did not annoy me at all, sorry. It is a tough situation. You did not provide a ton of detail in your OP, I skimmed your old threads and there are issues going back 5 years. Is this your major issue right now? Has there been improvement in the other areas?


yes alot... tons actually much better


----------



## header (Nov 14, 2015)

You tell your spouse that you are no longer attracted to her because of her weight gain, and the lack of attraction means little or no sex, at least with her.

Then the ball is in her court, you put the writing on the wall so she cannot say that she wasn't warned.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I went from a hottie to a fattie after I quit smoking when I was 50. My wife told me that she was not sexually attracted to me. I pointed out her flaws and told her that since I love her, I only see the young hot girl I married. That gave her something to think about and before long she was asking me to have sex with her. She loves me too.

I have enjoyed sex with skinny and big girls. I am interested in who they are inside, not what is on the outside. Looks are not important to me to desire sex with a woman. When it comes to sex I want someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh in bed and can get and give fantastic orgasms. 

You need to think about what is going to happen when you both get old and wrinkled. Will you leave your wife then? My wife is disabled and has had three surgeries in the last two years with big scars to show for it. Her once flat tummy is now bulging a little which I think is cute but she hates. Her face looks old and skin is sagging everywhere. Yet I still chase her around and want to have sex with her and now she does too. That is love my friend.


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

How much would you say your wife's weight bothers her? Have you told her how you feel about it?


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Is she still talking the medicines that cause her to gain weight ?


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

Lila said:


> Is she still talking the medicines that cause her to gain weight ?


yes but not as often.. i think i need to adjust to life and whats happening.. although its not sexy and i want that to a degree .. there is no point in fighting life it is what it is.. its not that shes lazy its just the present situation


----------



## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

how much weight are we talking about?
is she curvy or morbidly obese? can you give an approximate amount?


----------



## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I haven't read your other threads. Are you in shape?

Maybe you can frame the conversation that you are concerned for her health.


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

marriedmanhere said:


> how much weight are we talking about?
> is she curvy or morbidly obese? can you give an approximate amount?


weight around the gut... not obese just doesnt look sexy... which may sound shallow but its true.. yes i love her.. i need to just accept it and suppress some feeling apparently


----------



## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

soccermom2three said:


> I haven't read your other threads. Are you in shape?
> 
> Maybe you can frame the conversation that you are concerned for her health.


yea i work out.. its apparently something i need to deal with and accept..


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

What if anything are you willing to do if she won't change?


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If she is taking meds, then that can cause the weight gain. Of course you know that as we age it becomes hard and harder to lose weight, easier to gain weight. We are biologically programmed that way. And make sure that she sees her doctor annually for complete physical. Sudden or rapid weight gain or loss can be caused by serious medical issue. (As I learned in my W's case.)

Is your household arranged for weight control? Who does the food shopping? Do you do that with her and make sure healthier foods are bought? Who does the cooking? It is much easier to cook unhealthy meals. Healthy meals take time to prepare. Does your wife do all the food shopping, cooking, cleaning, taking care of kids? When was the last you grilled or cooked a healthy meal for the family. Do you do at least 50% of the household chores to allow your wife time to hit the treadmill or go for a run? Or does she spend all her time with household and kids (if any) and is therefore tired at end of the day.

Read up on cortisol - the stress hormone. It makes us gain weight. The stress can be emotional (marriage problems) or physical (she is stressed and tired from all the household work she has to do). Makes no difference on the cause of the stress.

Do you go for walks with her? That would be exercise and give you both time to talk (quality time) and improve your marriage. 

Now, if she has plenty of time but watches TV 8 hours a day while eating half a tub of ice cream, none of the above will work. Only you know what will work for both of you.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

socal04 said:


> weight around the gut... not obese just doesnt look sexy... which may sound shallow but its true.. yes i love her.. i need to just accept it and suppress some feeling apparently


So she's not overweight but how she carries her weight is not attractive to you? 

Has she complained about her shape? Is she self conscious about her stomach? I'm not one to suggest cosmetic surgery to appease a partner but if she's unhappy with her body, then liposuction or a tummy tuck could be helpful.


----------



## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Speaking from my point of view, I to carry a little extra around the lower middle. I know it has a lot to do with my c sections. Even when I got to a size 4 and went to the gym every day I still had a tummy. Some men could not over look that part of me. 

I have to either consider the whole package not just part. If you can't then you can't and should decide what you want to do about it.

I stopped caring about my tummy and learned to make myself sexy for me. I attract attention because I am confident of the whole darn package. 

You might stand in front of a mirror naked and take a look at your flaws.....love is accepting and doesn't have tunnel vision. Anyway just my two cents which can't even get you a piece of gum today 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## rachaelm (Feb 4, 2016)

socal04 said:


> What the heck do you do if you love your spouse but not sexually attracted anymore? due to weight gain... please no offended women.. just being real.


Can you find other things about her to be attracted to? Hair, eyes, smile?


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Speaking as a man, my ex wife dropped this on me later on in our relationship - though I never actually gained weight.

When she and I met, we were both "average" - a couple of extra lbs, definitely not "fat". She changed jobs shortly after we were married, and quickly dropped weight, simply by having a more active job.

This turned into an obsession - working out at home, taking up running, gym membership, etc, until she was very very fit.

I was still "average".

At some point during her journey into extreme fitness, she realized I was no longer attractive to her - because her definition of "attractive" changed. And she had no problem telling me this.

Prior to this, when we were both of average body types (not fit, not fat), she used to tell me how sexy I was, and how she liked this, or that, about my body.

My point is two-fold - One, you work out. That's great, honestly. However, I have yet to meet a person, man OR woman, who works out, runs, etc. who doesn't have a preference for a similar body type. Working out, getting fit, staying healthy, etc. is great, it really is. But in my opinion, it also almost leads to a sort of brainwashing about what the "ideal" body type is, as well as what one is attracted to.

The second is that people change. As others have said in this thread, people age, things sag, you get wrinkles, put on weight, or even lose weight. It's a part of life, and the human body. You can't, and won't, look the same for eternity.

When you love someone - and I mean truly love them - it doesn't matter. Sexual attraction is very much in the mind, to begin with. If there's a real and honest connection with someone, their body is a distant second, and if it's not your cup of tea (or your "ideal") then it is truly secondary.

When my ex wife started to tell me she wasn't physically attracted to me any more, it took every ounce of niceness I could dig up to not tell her the exact same thing. She had a flat ass, knobby knees that slightly bent backwards, and as a result of her formerly gigantic chest (lost those during her fitness obsession), a very slight hunched-over appearance. Not to mention a crooked jaw (from TMJ). I've mentioned this here before, but my ex wife fully clothed vs my ex wife naked was night and day. Yes - she looked hot, and fit, and wore makeup and tight fitting, low-rise clothes, and carried herself confidently, and turned heads all the damn time. At home, without clothes or makeup on - notsomuch. If she were a runway model, she would have fit in. If she were a nude model, good lord, no.

Yet I was still very much attracted to her (up until that point, anyway) because I loved her.


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

alexm said:


> When you love someone - and I mean truly love them - it doesn't matter. Sexual attraction is very much in the mind, to begin with. If there's a real and honest connection with someone, their body is a distant second, and if it's not your cup of tea (or your "ideal") then it is truly secondary.


This is okay in general but there must be limits. For example, I love my wife but if she put on 100 pounds I would not be sexually attracted to her anymore.

Fortunately she is very careful not to let herself go, so I don't think this will ever happen.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

technovelist said:


> This is okay in general but there must be limits. For example, I love my wife but if she put on 100 pounds I would not be sexually attracted to her anymore.
> 
> Fortunately she is very careful not to let herself go, so I don't think this will ever happen.


And that's fine. I probably wouldn't be too thrilled, either.

But it is what it is. People change, and their bodies change.

That said, be careful of your wording. Sexually attracted and physically attracted are two separate things. I've been sexually attracted to women who I haven't been physically attracted to before (see ex-wife, above).


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

alexm said:


> And that's fine. I probably wouldn't be too thrilled, either.
> 
> But it is what it is. People change, and their bodies change.
> 
> That said, be careful of your wording. Sexually attracted and physically attracted are two separate things. I've been sexually attracted to women who I haven't been physically attracted to before (see ex-wife, above).


Hmm. What is the difference between "sexually attracted" and "physically attracted"? I don't get it.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

technovelist said:


> Hmm. What is the difference between "sexually attracted" and "physically attracted"? I don't get it.


Sorry, I thought it was pretty self explanatory.

Sexuality and a desire to have sex with someone is not dependant on the physical alone.

I can't explain it any better than this, from my own experience. My ex wife's body was not "ideal" to me. But I sure as hell wanted to have sex with her. A lot. She was sexually attractive to me, not physically.

A friend of mine has my quote/unquote "ideal" body type. I am certainly physically attracted to her. But not at all sexually, and not just because she's a friend - it's just not there.

That said, each of us, individually, certainly has a threshold in which something like the lack of physical attraction is enough to prevent us from having sex with someone.

Some of us have a fine line, some of us a more broad one. I'm not a tall guy (not super short, either), but I've heard more than my fair share of "I only date taller guys" in my lifetime (and not always directed towards me). My female friend, the one I mentioned above, she's 5'9". Her long time boyfriend is 5'3". I'm quite certain they have an active and healthy sex life, despite him not being 6'2". (or despite her not being 5'1" !)

I guess if sexual attraction is based solely on what somebody's body looks like naked, one is probably pigeon-holing themselves a little bit. You're entitled, of course, no argument here.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

technovelist said:


> This is okay in general but there must be limits. For example, I love my wife but if she put on 100 pounds I would not be sexually attracted to her anymore.
> 
> Fortunately she is very careful not to let herself go, so I don't think this will ever happen.


Are you sure about that? 

I can't put a number on such a change in feelings personally.

I suppose there is some amount of change that might make a difference but I don't know what it is. My wife has varied 50% in body weight, when married to the high to back near when married weight. Not 100 pounds but it was 50 and she is tiny to begin with. Can't say it made much of a difference at all in attraction, maybe some, not much though...


----------



## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

anonmd said:


> Are you sure about that?
> 
> I can't put a number on such a change in feelings personally.
> 
> I suppose there is some amount of change that might make a difference but I don't know what it is. My wife has varied 50% in body weight, when married to the high to back near when married weight. Not 100 pounds but it was 50 and she is tiny to begin with. Can't say it made much of a difference at all in attraction, maybe some, not much though...


I'm pretty sure 100 extra pounds would be a big problem for me, especially because she only weighs 130 or so normally.

However, she hasn't varied more than 10 pounds or so from that weight in the almost 20 years we've been together, so I'm not too worried about her ballooning up like that.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Among the biggest problems we have in our marriage, this has to be among the biggest. She has gained alot of weight and I'm just plain not attracted to her anymore. Guys like us really have only two alternatives, divorce, which won't work for most men or just live with it.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jb02157 said:


> Among the biggest problems we have in our marriage, this has to be among the biggest. She has gained alot of weight and I'm just plain not attracted to her anymore. Guys like us really have only two alternatives, divorce, which won't work for most men or just live with it.


Who does the cooking in your house? If it's not you, then I suggest you start.

Who does the grocery shopping? If it's not you, then I suggest you start.

Do you work out/run/go to the gym? If you do, and she doesn't, then I suggest you see if she's interested.

Do you two take walks together or otherwise do couples activities that don't involve sitting on the couch/going out to eat/sitting in a movie theater? If not, then I suggest you two start doing these things.

Often weight gain is a byproduct of ones environment. Given that this environment includes you, then you also have the power to change it. If she's depressed, or stressed, and is being inactive and/or eating as a result, then you have the ability to lessen those things.

There are two people in these households. A healthy, active lifestyle isn't something you can just suggest to somebody (or worse, dictate).

Show some leadership by fostering an environment of healthy eating and an active lifestyle.

The bonus to all of this is that you get to spend some quality time with your SO.


----------



## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

Can you workout with your wife? I believe a partner can be of assistance to helping their spouse reach goals. How is your wife outside of her weight gain? Is she happy or is she too having self confidence issues?

I haven't read any of your prior posts but if she's feeling down on her appearance as well, the only way to help would be to encourage and assist with postive comments that will motivate her to try harder. Do you both have a gym membership? Possibly some assistance from a personal trainer? Or you can help be her personal trainer by assisting and encouraging her through different machines or dance classes. 

She first must want a change herself and if she's feeling low about herself then she needs encouragement. If she's happy with herself and she doesn't need to lose much, what about taking evening walks together? I would encourage subtle out door activities for light exercise. If she has more weight to lose then she needs to want to make changes to create a bigger change but light exercise can be a start to that change. 

I lost 60lbs in 4months from real hard work and encouragement from my husband. He helped out with both kids so I could focus on anything from jogging, running, core exercises, workout video ect. I was dedicated and did this every day, after he got home from work for up to 40min. He also was mindful of what he broughtt food wise into our home. I stayed clear of processed food, red meat and or any fast food (or junk) for a solid 8wks. I removed breads and pasta, stuck to brown rice (limited) along with fruit/veggie/Greek yogurt smoothies. I kept to lean meats (chicken, seafood) and limited myself with red meat into after bringing it back into my diet. I notice a change taking away extra carbs and limiting sodium intake. I changed all my spices to without salt (Dash). Its a lifestyle change and yes medications can cause some gain but there are still ways to tone up even if medication is that leading cause.


----------

