# How do I walk away...



## Notinlove

I am relieved to find an anonymous forum where I can just get this out and hopefully get some advice in return.
My story is this:
I got married when I was 23, right out of college. Ive been married for 8 years and we have a child together. I tried to get out of this years ago. I tried to talk to my family and to him. My family thought I was just going through something a lot of marriages go through, and the pain on his face when I brought it up was more than I could handle.
He is the GREATEST GUY. He is stong and brave and good. He will do anything for me and our child. He is the perfect husband. I don't know if I could find a better person. The problem is Im not in love with him and I have felt like this for years. 
I almost feel like I could live my life not in love for the sake of our child bc he is SUCH A GOOD HANDS ON FATHER. I feel like I cant rob him of his child when Im the one with the issue.
Ive had a few minor affairs which is awful, and the last one lasted over a year. I fell in love with this man and we broke up last night bc I clearly cant commit and he wants to.
I dont know what to do. I feel so awful about the affair but I also feel awful about leaving him and taking his child, the one person who does love him unconditionally.
Is it possible to fall back in love with a person? Has anyone been in a situation like this??
My face is literally on fire from the tears I cant stop shedding over the breakup so I think Im on the verge of losing it, but I just need advice from people who arent my family and people who wont judge me negatively for my less than honorable actions...
Thank you.


----------



## Confused-Wife

I'm in the same situation...minus the affairs. 

Cheating on him isn't fair. Does he know of the affairs?


----------



## HoopsFan

Your situation is similar to mine, except no affairs. But I did get married right out of college at 23 and have been married 8 years with 2 kids. weird, huh?

I don't think it's possible to make an objective decision so soon after the end of your affair. Your emotions are off the chart right now (you even admit to it). Find a good book to read, rediscover a hobby, but give yourself some time to clear your head. Affairs are not the answer - they only make a complicated situation exponentially complicated.

I can tell you one thing - good husbands that take care of their family and are actively involved with their kids DO NOT grow on trees. Unfortunately, I don't think you'll appreciate what you had until it's gone. It's not fair to compare your husband to your affair. A matured relationship with the stresses of family finances, kids, a house to keep up, etc, is not going to be as passionate as a fling with someone else that is courting you and maybe pretending to be something they're not.

It is possible to fall back in love with your husband, but it's going to take a commitment from you to give it a chance. Why do you not love your husband? Did you lose your attraction to him for some reason?

Something to think about. If you leave your husband, he may get 50% or close to it custody of your child. Can you bear the thought of only having your child at home 50% of the time? I know I can't bear that thought, and I'm a husband so there's no guarantees I'd get that much in my case.


----------



## Notinlove

Well the thing is, with my job its very easy for me to get weekends with this man and several dinners/outings a week. I've known him for about 5 years and he's not putting on a front. Hes not my first affair, I had 2 momentary flings, and this recent affair I swear was a conversation at a party one night and I felt like we were these magnets that had been apart and now SMACK. I fell in love with him after a month, same with him...hes not married. At first we agreed to keep it casual but theres no denying the love thats there. Hes about 10 years older than I am so hes very established he adores kids... Im his little princess and its at the point now where he just constantly tells me he wants to take care of me for the rest of my life. 
My husband and I got married too too young. If I got married to the wrong person, I atleast married the right wrong person given his qualities but when I meet kids that are oung 20's now, that are getting married I just think-my god you have no idea what youre doing, or who you are yet.... Im 31 and I only now feel like Im figuring out my life. 
I fell in love with my affair. Ive stayed in this marriage for our child. It wouldnt be a messy divorce I know that much and I would totally be open to him seeing our child anytime. I mean I feel like were best friends/roommates. There would be no messy custody bc Id want it to be as easy for both of us and little stress to the little one. I dont know that hed need to know about the affiar. Ive talked to him for years about being unhappy. We never have sex, I cant stand to be touched by him. Our child was conceived on a night where a few too many martinis were involved and we havent had sex since so its been over 2 years.
He doesnt know about the affairs. But I feel bad bc I feel like Im denying him a happy life with a wife who loves him and wants to hold his hand, kiss him.... be intimate. That isnt me.
Yes I lost the attraction. Not sure why but I did.


----------



## HoopsFan

I don't sense any remorse in your story. Not once did you say that you feel guilty about having multiple affairs and sex with other men while your husband is at home (taking care of your child?).

I think a divorce would be doing your husband a favor. When you walk down that aisle and marry a man, it's your obligation to protect your marriage from outside forces. We're all tempted at some point to engage in something inappropriate, especially if we're not happy at home, and I think sometimes affairs happen accidentally, but it seems that you're just going to cheat on your husband for as long as you can get away with it or until you leave him.

I think I understand that your child is only about a year old. Since you have little regard for your husband, I don't think your marriage will make it 18 years until your child is grown. Others may not agree with me, but if you have a divorce before the child is 2 years old, the child won't know what's going on and will be minimally affected by the divorce. If you wait 3-4 years, totally different story! My kids are 6 and 3. Children at that age usually show behavior changes due to divorce - regression of potty training, behavior problems in school, signs of depression, etc. And divorce in the teen years is even worse.

Your husband does deserve better. He may love you, but since you don't love him, set him free so he can find someone that does.


----------



## Catherine602

What is your question? What help are you requesting? Your breezy tale sounds more like what i did on my summer vacation, not a discription of a marriage devoid of love and compassio between a woman with no empathy and a man being starved of love and intimacy. . You said your husband is a good man but you deceive this good man, repeatedly. Is your sang froid is characteristic of your approach to life in general? Have all of your relationships been marked by you falling out of love and cheating.. It may sound harsh and judgmental but I cannot avoid commenting because you asked and that's what I see. I feel great sympathy for your husband and I hope he finds out what you are doing and gets out. 

How can you bear to be with your husband and torture him daily, knowing that you dont love him and of his aching need to be loved by you. How do you stand it? Do you stay for your child, you don't have positive marriage - you are loveless with your husband and I am certain you do not want your kids to have cold woman/ love starved man relationships like yours. 

Let this man go so he can be loved and cherished by a warm passionate woman capable of love and empathy. You will be free to chase after men for empty trills until you can no longer attract a man who wants to bother with you. Maybe you will marry one of them and get back what you give.. 

I am sorry to be blunt but, what are doing to this good man is cruel and selfish. You use him for security all the while denying him intimacy, and having a little fun on the side. I believe in karma, not the punishing type but the life lessons type to make us better humans. You will get to feel the same pain you inflict and then you will understand. You have been given the gift of a loving husband and child, things that some women will kill for. Instead of being appreciative of your good fortune you throw them away like they are nothing. You will live to regret what you are doing.. Maybe after you have lost them or maybe when someone treats you the way you are treating your husband and child. Then you will aquire empathy, a quality that sets humans apart from lower life forms. good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notinlove

No I very much appreciate the feedback. While maybe harsh its true. I actually went to a counselor a little over a year ago. It was more like a-What the hell is wrong with me-visit.

I know Im wrong! I know this is awful. My father cheated on my mom and I found out about it when I was 20 and told her and I hated him and swore I didnt know how someone could do that to a family. AND THEN I DO IT?! WHAT? Makes no sense.

I also realize Im very passive about this. Which bothers me. I tried to get out about 5 years ago before we had our child(who is 2 1/2. The hurt on his face ws more than I could take so I reluctantly stuck it out(pre-affairs). 

I've told him I feel like were bff, and I dont feel in love. Ive said, "dont you want a wife who wants to be intimate?" "I admit I dont treat you the way I should." Ive said all this...

It basically comes down to the fact that he doesnt want to be away from our child. I've said divorce doesnt have to be nasty, you can see our child anytime you want, I dont care if you lived next door! We get along great! We never fight, argue.... Nope.

I fell out of love a long time ago, or I wasnt truly in love to begin with. We got married pretty immediately after college and I basically talked him in to it bc down south thats what you do when you graduate.... Ugh... I dont feel like people should get married after college. We're too young. I shouldnt speak for everyone Im sorry Im too young.

I guess I came on here just for feedback. Sorry if this came across as a "one time at band camp" story. I didnt mean it like that. I just thought-wow a safe forum to just say it all and get opinions/advice. 
Im not proud of my behavior by any means. Im just happier in my other life. Its more me. The man is more me. The affair is the life I would have chosen had I waited for a decent age to get married and figure out what I want in life.

I've stuck this out so long bc of my husbands feelings on being apart and for the child but in the long run I feel like Im wasting his life by doing this. But I also think I did this bc I figured getting divorced wasnt an option bc I didnt want to deprive a good dad who's dont nothing wrong, rights to his child.


----------



## Why Not Be Happy?

sounds like you really don't want advise----you just want to get a "blessing" to walk away.
what you are doing is wrong! your morals seem to be "wacked". your new boyfriend has shown his character by dating a married woman with a child (yeah---he's a great guy!).
maybe you could give your husband the same care and energy you give to your "dates". and if you do leave---consider giving your husband primary custody so you can just "do your thing".
sorry so harsh....but really!


----------



## Notinlove

I dont want a blessing, God...
My behavior in no way deserved blessings. I probably need prayer though.

Maybe I posted this under the wrong forum...

The night my affair and I talked he was present as I was having a conversation with a co-worker about getting seperated. I was asking her what marriage counselor she went to etc...
He said he was floored to hear me saying these things bc he assumed I was always so happy. I said Im very good at putting on a front but indeed quite the opposite... Id known him for years and we both agreed we'd never even considered the other person. So at least he was under the impression I was on my way out. I've constantly told him I wanted out of my marriage too, I just feel guilty for hurting my child and hub.
At least I wasnt defending my behavior. Im defending my husband. I understand how this post would make people angry... But its a reality thats my life and I dont like it.

The thing is the several times Ive tried to bring this up to my husband he wont hear it. Hes said he'd be so upset that hed move. He'd quit his job and our friends bc he'd want no part of a memory that was this life. Its very sad and it makes me upset to see him that way. He says he loves me more than anything but I dont get how? I havent been intimate with him in almost 2 years. We don't spend time together... I clearly dont treat him the way I should. I wonder if hes in love with our memories, or the thought of it...


----------



## Confused-Wife

People are so strange. How could a marriage go without intimacy (sex) for two full years without some kind of question of what's going on. He KNOWS something is going on. How could he think two years of no sex is normal?

My husband does the same thing. He ignores the obvious. He ignores the signs because he wants to pretend like everything is ok.

What you are doing is not right. It is clearly wrong. But you already know that. So the question is, why are you waiting? What are you waiting for? 

Staying together for the well being of your child while having affairs in a loveless marriage is not going to work. It's just not. I can tell that you are already convinced. Ask yourself: If you child wasn't in the picture, what would you do? Then do it.


----------



## Notinlove

I think hes got to be in denial of some sort bc Id hate to think Im THAT good of a liar. 
Anyway, if my child wasnt in the picture Id leave.


----------



## Confused-Wife

So...I just the next question is...HOW and WHEN are you going to leave?

I'm asking myself the same question in my situation as well.


----------



## HoopsFan

People often use the "I'm staying for the kids" slogan as an excuse to hide behind. they pretend its the only reason, when there are usually more. Divorces are messy, painful, and embarrassing. Are you sure a dread of the process isn't in play here? If you leave your husband and immediately have a new man in your life, everyone in your family/friend circle will speculate that you were having an affair.

One other thought. How do you reconcile in your mind that your prince charming didn't take a lot of convincing to start sleeping with a married woman? And how are you going to get him to trust that you'll never do to him what you've already done multiple times? That you won't get bored of him and then start sleeping around on him?

I'm not trying to spew hate - I just don't think relationships built on lies, deception, and cheating last. When people ask you how y'all met, you'll always have to lie about it. Maybe that doesn't bother you, but that would bother me.


----------



## Catherine602

You have my sympathies, my father cheated on my Mom from the second year of their marriage till he died at 67 yo. It had a devastating effect on my Mom and us kids. Unlike you, I hate deception of any type in a relationship. 

It may be difficult for you to look at these issues but, in a way, you are dishonoring your mother by cheating. You side with your father and agree that he was right to cheat on her and cause her pain. You are your father. So if you hated him then you hate yourself.

Listen, you were powerless to do anything about what your father did to your Mom but, he was not the powerful one, she was. Identify with your mother, she was the better of the two because she had the strength and commitment to remain faithful and be emotionally available to her family. 

All of your excuses for your affairs are spurious, you are not doing this for your husband, or your child but for yourself. You can not possibly be concerned for his happiness. If you divorce he hurts once and recovers, now he has a protracted torture. 

Don't worry about your husband, he will recover and inside of two years, he will meet a woman and probably plan to have children. By that time, you will be a distant bad memory of painful period in his life. His child wil continue to be his love. 

Why don't you get out of his way, he will not be so broken up about as you think. Once he moves on to a real loving woman he will be very happy.


----------



## RunningOnEmpty

It is very easy to be judgmental, and criticize other people's choices and decisions. The fact is that we are all human and imperfect. 

HoopsFan, the 'I am staying for the kids' is a valid argument. I am sure some people may use it to hide behind it and not leave for other reasons. But that's not always the case.

I am staying in my marriage for my kids. I don't have any other reasons. Divorce wouldn't have a negative impact on us financially, socially, with our family, friends, reputation, professionally. Nada, zilch.

If I didn't have kids, I would be out the door tomorrow. I don't love my wife, and regardless of how much she may love me, it would be best and fair to her if we split.

I am in a low conflict marriage, there is no abuse, addiction,etc. I just don't love her. We show affection to each other. We work great as a team, parents,etc. So, currently, I am not concerned about giving our kids a bad example. But for me it is just an act. How do you balance leaving, seeking happiness, giving my wife a chance to seek hers vs. the potential negative impact it may have on your kids?

I can't keep this up forever. I know I will divorce. Don't know when.

NotInLove, don't focus on your affairs. They are not right. They are wrong. And they have been a bad decision on your part. No doubt about that. But what's done is done. And all you can change is the present and the future. If you are still a wreck because of the break up, go to iVillage Ending an Affair Support forum, they can help you go through the post-affair emotional mess.

My advice to you, get through your post affair turmoil and then figure out what you want to do, after all emotions have calmed down.

You are in a sexless marriage, that won't last, and everybody will be unhappy. Your needs and his needs are not being met. So either you or him will get them met elsewhere. Just like you've done previously.

So, you have to decide if you can recommit to your marriage, and try to love him again. You can try marriage counseling. See if that works.

If you decide/realize that you won't recover that spark, then I would say you should probably divorce. Don't worry about your husband's feelings. He will feel bad, but he will recover. And your husband (just like my wife) deserves somebody that loves him back just like he may love you. And believe me, he will feel exponentially worse if he catches you in an affair.

That's the advice I give myself every day, and haven't been able to follow.


----------



## Notinlove

Runningonempty-
THANK YOU.
Thats great advice. I will check out that website. I talked to my husband last night. Aside from letting him know about the affair, I just basically said that we're in a sexless marriage and have been for years, we have this same convo several times a year and nothing ever gets resolved, were in it for the child, were too young to live another 10 years of our lives like this...
This isnt the life I want... You deserve a woman who will love you like crazy. Thats not me and you know that....
So were going to go to counseling.
I am going to go to the recovering from an affair post you were talking about. Bc as he was saying certain things, I was empathetic, I felt so bad, I do love HIM, but not in love with him.... Id like to go to a counselor to see what MY problem is and why I AM the way I am when it come to this affair.

My affair broke up with me. He said he was always under the impression I was on a fast track to get out of this marriage and 13 months later Im still in it with no time line or end in sight, so he is going to do something hard and walk away. He said when I make my decision to let him know but he cant do this anymore. 

So, with that said. I either have a relationship to get over and do whats right, or I need to leave my endless marriage for the man Im crazy in love with...

I'll check the sight though. Thanks for your advice.


----------



## whynotme

Here's a thought.

You mentioned in your first post about your affair, "I'm his little princess and he wants to take care of me for the rest of my life".

You are both crazy in love now, but that might not last once you marry him (the affair guy). People change once they get married. You may wake up one day to find out he expects 
YOU to be taking care of HIM, especially as he gets older.

Just sayin'.

My advice from a different perspective is, leave your husband but take time out to be alone for a while. You were young when you got married, maybe you need to find out who you are outside of a relationship.

That might not be what you FEEL like doing, but it might be best for you. The last thing you want is to throw yourself wholeheartedly into this "affair" man only to have it crash and burn. Take it from me, your current husband won't take you back, if you suddenly realize later he is a good thing after all. And consider, like another poster said...if the "affair" man is someone who will take advantage of someone's marraige breaking up and not wait for you to get a divorce...not even try to be honorable about it...will sleep with a married woman knowing full well what he is doing...he might not be the one you want in the long run.

Just because he's good TO you doesn't mean he's good FOR you.

Good luck.


----------



## MEM2020

Is he physically attractive but "too" nice? 

Is he constantly trying to "make you happy"?

When you argue does he mostly/always apologize first?




Notinlove said:


> I am relieved to find an anonymous forum where I can just get this out and hopefully get some advice in return.
> My story is this:
> I got married when I was 23, right out of college. Ive been married for 8 years and we have a child together. I tried to get out of this years ago. I tried to talk to my family and to him. My family thought I was just going through something a lot of marriages go through, and the pain on his face when I brought it up was more than I could handle.
> He is the GREATEST GUY. He is stong and brave and good. He will do anything for me and our child. He is the perfect husband. I don't know if I could find a better person. The problem is Im not in love with him and I have felt like this for years.
> I almost feel like I could live my life not in love for the sake of our child bc he is SUCH A GOOD HANDS ON FATHER. I feel like I cant rob him of his child when Im the one with the issue.
> Ive had a few minor affairs which is awful, and the last one lasted over a year. I fell in love with this man and we broke up last night bc I clearly cant commit and he wants to.
> I dont know what to do. I feel so awful about the affair but I also feel awful about leaving him and taking his child, the one person who does love him unconditionally.
> Is it possible to fall back in love with a person? Has anyone been in a situation like this??
> My face is literally on fire from the tears I cant stop shedding over the breakup so I think Im on the verge of losing it, but I just need advice from people who arent my family and people who wont judge me negatively for my less than honorable actions...
> Thank you.


----------



## troy

Your husband may be a "clinger" like me. Be it fear of being alone, loneliness, change, or whatever -- He cannot leave you so easily. He will continue to suffer inside for as long as he can, then go into depression and make a mess of himself and everyone around him; thats what happened to me.

I suggest you tell him its over and time to move on before he finds out about the affair. If he does not go, tell him you found someone else, but spare him the pain of the details about the affair(s)....

My wife wants out for the longest time but I did everything I could think to convince her to stay. Now, I am getting a better grip of reality and starting to think of what is best for me, I finally told her she is free to leave if she wants.

She says she does not want to leave yet because of the kids. Dont know if that's true or not, but I will find out this summer when my daughter leaves for college.

In my case, I am the one that loves her so much, but she is not in love with me. No intimacy and sex for years, and that is her choice, not mine. I want the love and intimacy but its not coming. Eventually I will give up and move on one day. 

I finally set her free but she has chosen to stay for now. Now that I am focusing on my needs, I expect something to change in the next few months.


----------



## Shianne

um... I am a bit jealous of your ability to put yourself first honestly. Of course I am so far on the other end that after more reading I am pretty shamed by my own words out here on the net. I am a text book whiny abuse victim that can't even see her pathetic patterns. 
You are not doing any of you any good and you seem to have the will to walk so throw your boots on and hit the door. You appear to have much more desire to chase down the OM than to fight for your husband.


----------



## lostnbroken

I am in the position as your husband is, but we do not have kids. I felt love from my husband but he would drop the D bomb out of blue or over some small fights. I don't mind ending the relationship bc honestly I've had enough. But I wish he would deliver the message in a more mature way rather than not answering his phone for several days (I've been out of US for a family visitation). I then eventually found out what he's trying to do from his parents. I didn't bother to call him or answer my phone anymore when he called after I talked to his parents (his parents asked him to call and talk to me). I emailed him to tell him that I will file for divorce as soon as I get back to the US. it's okay that he doesn't want to fight for this marriage, but it's not okay when he treats me and the relationship without an ounce of respect. I love my husband. but I love myself too that I do not allow other people to treat me that way, especially by my husband. My patience has its limits, and finally it has reached an end.

I would ask you to be very mature and not cause him any more pain when you tell him that you really want to leave. Don't make him feel that he's the biggest idiot and like a garbage that can be thrown away anytime. He's human being, just like you. If you want to be respected in the whole divorce process, please respect your spouse first.


----------



## troy

Agree with "lostnbroden".
When the time comes to move on, respect should be given on both sides. This means emotion management is very important. Strong emotions can surface during a breakup and things can be said that should not - I know I made that mistake last night.

Maintaining respect for each other will help both sides to walk away with some dignity. The situation is bad enough as it is, no need to make it any worse by being disrespectfull. 

Respect is probably the biggest issue for me right now. My wife is being disrespectful to me and we had an argument about it. When we split I would say one of the main reason would be lact of respect for me.


----------



## 8yearscheating

I am glad to hear you have told him about the affairs and I hope it was the whole story. If it wasn't, it needs to be before you even attempt to reconcile OR go to marriage counseling. You are leading him on with "I have to make decision to be with him or divorce him and go back to the A" (paraphrasing what you wrote) and not specifically telling him this. Can I suggest a book - NOT "Just Friends" by Glass. If you are truly sincere about working with your husband or divorcing him, I think this would give you some insight. Otherwise you should be calling it divorce counseling.


----------



## jmfabulous

I'm not going to judge or be harsh.

I think that you might need to go to counseling on your own to figure out what is going on with you. Possibly childhood with a dad that cheated? Possibly not. I don't know, but figure out what has caused you to have affairs. 

I also agree with the advice, if you don't love him, let him go. Let him be free to find the one who will love him unconditionally. However, give yourself a timeframe of "no dating" until you can figure you out. 

My "red flags" are up with affair guy. Not liking his ultimatum, or his "walking away"...he entered into a relationship with someone who is married, who is 10 years his junior, who has a baby. To expect that you would drop all that and be at his beck and call scares me. 

So, Find you. Figure you out. Best of luck!


----------

