# Lying about Cheating



## wouldvegivenanything (Apr 15, 2015)

I have posted this on another website, but I assure you that even though it's copied and pasted the events actually happened. I wish to God that they didn't. I'd give anything to have the woman I love back. But this is my story and some of my feelings at the moment. It's split into two posts I had made, I'll separate them so it doesn't get confusing, and I'll edit the curse words. I don't know what I'm looking for here. An outlet maybe? I don't know. But here it is.

Almost a year ago my wife traveled 4000 miles away to Washington for a summer internship. We had gotten married a month and a half before she left. We had some difficulties because we had never lived together before getting married and I don't do well with talking on the phone, and I was even more stressed and frustrated and constantly angry because my job was talking on phones all day to the [worst kind of] people in the country. She cheated on me multiple times with a man she met there in Washington. When she came back she was different. Not nearly as affectionate... she would often break down emotionally over pretty small stuff, as if she was guilty about something. She would try to do a lot of things for me, like laundry and such, and if we did have an argument about something she would talk about how she feels guilty, how she feels like she's dragged me away from my family and friends (which she did, I moved 300 miles to be with her) and how she has made me unhappy and how she's a terrible wife. I felt awful about it. The more I tried to be affectionate and show her that I cared the more she pulled away. She said I didn't seem sincere. She said that sex with me reminded her of her rape, that she had flashbacks to the event whenever I tried to initiate.

I noticed that she was texting and snapchatting a lot with one particular man she met in Washington. I discovered her Facebook account logged in and I read some conversations between them. There were naked pictures of him that he sent to her. Conversations about them having sex with only each other so they "know whose children [my wife's] are". I recall when my wife was in Washington she asked if I would be okay with her traveling to Portland with a guy friend she met up there, because she felt safer. I told her I was okay with it, but that I'm worried he would rape her. I found a conversation between them where they joked about asking if I would feel better if I knew that the "rape" was consensual. I confronted my wife about these things I found. I asked her if she cheated on me and she lied, saying that he was only a friend that she developed an emotional relationship with. I told her that I'm not stupid and that I know she cheated on me, but that I can move past it if she removes him from our lives and stops talking to him. She agreed.

Over the next eight months I continued to find new conversations between them. When I would confront her about talking to him on one messaging service, she'd stop talking to him on there and move their conversations to another messaging service. It would be things that you didn't think would have a messaging service, like Pinterest. Each time she kept saying it wasn't sexual, that he was just a friend, that it's only an emotional relationship, that her therapist advised her to talk to him, etc. 

Eventually I got tired of it and acquired photographic and video proof of her adultery. By this point I had thought I was being paranoid, that I was being an accusatory ***hole. I felt guilty that I had accused her. Getting that definitive proof was a switch that flipped and made me realize that the woman I fell in love with had cheated on me, lied to me about it, and manipulated *me* into feeling guilty about _her_ affair. I found the evidence on the 4 year anniversary of when we began dating, which was [two weeks ago]. Our wedding anniversary was two weeks before that. We made it to a year.

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I really don't know how much longer I can go on. I just want to die. When my wife came back from her internship last summer I knew something was different about her. The way she acted, the way she talked to me, how she would break down crying over small things and say she feels guilty about things that aren't her fault, how nearly all affection was gone and she wasn't as enthusiastic about sex as she used to be. I started snooping and found conversations with a man I knew she befriended while she was away. The conversations were about them two having kids together, and hula hooping naked, and there were naked pictures of him. I confronted her about them and she denied a sexual relationship with him. She said he was just a friend. I told her that I believe she did cheat on me but that I would forgive it and move on if she will tell me the truth, remove him from her life, and stop talking to him. Over the next 8 or so months we kept repeating this event where I would find where she has been talking to him on various chat apps and I would ask her the same thing, to please stop talking to him and I would forgive and move on. Each and every time, about 6 or 7 times, she denied anything sexual and said she wanted to be with me and make our marriage work and agreed to stop talking to him.

Two weeks ago I finally discovered pictures of them having sex together. My heart sank. I can't describe the pain I am in. My wife threw away our entire life together less than 3 months into our marriage. Over the last 8 months since her affair started I have lost all confidence in myself. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I can't go a day without breaking down in tears at least once. Every few days I have dreams where we are still together and we're still happy like we were when we dated, and I wake up thinking that none of the affair has happened, and I have to read the conversations and look at the pictures and watch the video to remind myself of what she did to me.

I would give anything to have had her tell me the truth the very first time I confronted her about it. Or any of the times I asked her for the truth. I wish that she had told me the truth and really stopped talking to the guy. I miss my wife. And I'm so distraught over the fact that I can never trust her again. I just want to hold her. I want her to hold me. I want to lay tangled up in each other like we used to. I want to matter to the person who matters most to me. I know none of this can happen because I will never know if she's being genuine or not.

I'm ****ing worthless. I have no job now. No career prospects. No skills. I have a worthless bachelor's degree. She was my life. Our life together was my life. I've moved back in with my parents. I'm an emotional wreck. I can't do anything because any little thing can remind me of her and I will be useless for at least half an hour. I still grab two Q-Tips, one for me and one for her, when I get out of the shower and that stupid little thing causes me to break down crying. I keep thinking, "Will anyone find worth in me again? Did I just trick her into thinking I was worth loving? Did she ever love me at all?"

I don't know what to do. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. What can be done? Those of you who have had a similar situation, what have you done about it?

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What was her end game? Where did she think this road was going to lead? We had been going to couples' therapy together up until I discovered the pictures and video of them having sex, so does this mean she wanted things to work out in our marriage? But she still called the guy who is 4,000 miles away. She still talked to him. She made plans to see him when he traveled to Texas and disguise her absence to me as a beach trip with her friends that I couldn't go on because of work. She planned to go to his graduation in Washington, somehow. Was she trying to have us both, knowing that I would not stay with her if she kept talking to him and knowing that I would eventually find out?


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Your wife has no respect for you. Time to man up and kick her to the kerb while there are no kids involved.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> Was she trying to have us both, knowing that I would not stay with her if she kept talking to him


Well, if she was, she certainly got her wish didn't she? She's got you both and you haven't done a damn thing about it.

Divorce is your best friend my friend.

Once you are free of that wh0re, you will gain your self-confidence back. You're not worthless. Your wife is.

Get angry. Anger is also your friend. File for divorce and make the entire process as swift, firm and assertive as possible. Make it your mission to regain your individual freedom. 

Better women, a better life and a better life-partner are awaiting you just behind that hill called "divorce". Climb it.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

Expose her to family and friends. Save copies of the evidence. 

File for divorce, and don't look back. She was planning on him fathering "your" children and you are moping? 

She's trash. Dump her, get on with your life, and get some IC to figure out why you tolerated this.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

wouldvegivenanything said:


> What was her end game?
> 
> *What is yours ?*
> Where did she think this road was going to lead?
> ...


Did you stay with her as now ? 

You should pack her a bag, and tell her to leave, and ask her to say you where she will be, for you can serve her. 

Then serve her. It's highly important. If you want to reconcile ( even if she burned several second chance) or not, you need to serve. 

*Real consequence must happens.*

It will show you stop to accept to be pissed on and you are serious.

Nothing is better than empty threat/ultimatum for make someone loses all respect for you. 
It's like the parents which count to 3 for make stop their children when they does something stupid and even when they are at 5 the parents do nothing. 
What the child will think ? Well mommy you can say what you want, I do what I want, I'm the captain now.

Now some tools for get back your selfesteem :

the 180lists. It's not make for save your marriage, but for save you. The 180 | AFFAIRCARE

No more mr nice guy, by robert glover. A great book for men, about self happyness, and selfesteem.
https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would just divorce if I were you. She is not committed to this marriage, not really ready for marriage, period.

Just work on yourself. Go to counseling. Pull your own life together. You need a job. You need to become emotionally independent.

Today looks dark, but better days are ahead.

And it is good you are living with your parents. They are surely a stabilizing factor for you right now. Keep leaning on them.


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

So, so sorry you are going through this difficult time. It is surely devastating and I and many others on TAM can empathize with the betrayal you are feeling. You are not worthless and her behavior is despicable. Take this opportunity to take care of yourself, it's ok to feel your emotions but don't delude yourself into thinking you're at fault. Majority of affairs happens because the WS has an issue with themselves and us who loves them are the collateral damage. Do what is best for you and start living again.


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## wouldvegivenanything (Apr 15, 2015)

Thank you all. I am going to seek divorce, it's why I moved out and went back home with my parents 300 miles away from my wife. It's just that legally I have to wait 6 months before I can file.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. Face facts, the woman is no good so why don't you get out of this mess ASAP. The longer you wait the worse it will get.

You made a mistake. She lied and cheated on you. Her fault and no one elses. Move on and leave her in her own filth.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It sounds like you are highly co-dependent on her and lost yourself in the relationship. You gave too much and she took it for granted (treat a woman like a queen and she'll treat you like a servant blah blah).

She did what she did because she wanted to, had nothing to do with you, she is just a bad person. There is no way you should even entertain the though of R with her. 

It will take time but you WILL get over this, we all do. Some people it takes a couple of weeks, others months or even a year or so but it will happen. One day you'll end up regretting not putting your foot in her asss the minute you found out.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I see this as actually very fortuitous. This woman exposed herself before any children were involved, before your lives were entangled beyond laying together and before most of your life was spent on her. Look at this as very good news. The pain will subside in time and your life will be back on track. Imagine a life of many more years, children involved, financial complications and middle age and imagine her doing this at that point. That whooshing sound you heard was the bullet you dodged.

Find a good woman and move on to a better life with a bright future. Good fortune to you.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

You're at your lowest ebb at the moment, but if it's a small comfort, no kids means you are not tied to someone who could have dragged you so low.

What she has is not happiness. She has lied and cheated and her relationship with her OM is built on a web of lies. So take comfort.

Everything is not worthless. There are opportunities out there, as long as you can read and write you can take qualifications or learn a vocation.

Everything is not worthless because believe it or not, you now know the truth and you are now in control of your own destiny.

Drop this bad weight off your shoulders. You deserve and will have better. You know this!

Good luck man.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

I cant add any more that is above. You need to do everything in your power to dump this dead weight, and for gods sake, dont get her pregnant. No matter what she says or does!


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## RaceGirl (Apr 13, 2015)

It's not your fault she's screwed up. Know that, believe that, say it to yourself. I tell everyone, it's not my fault he's ****ed up, referring to my husband the first time we split. I plan on leaving him for good this time. 

Yes, someone will want you. Because you're awesome and there's no one else like you in this whole world. 

I feel your pain, boy do I feel it. When I found out about my cheating husband I thought I was going to die from physical pain. It was worse than child birth or my boob job. I mean it's literally the worst thing that can happen to a human being. 

It's going to take time, be gentle with yourself, you are a genuine human being. Remember, not everyone cheats. You will find someone just as amazing as you. 

Stay golden, my friend. You. Will. Survive.


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