# An appreciation post: my husband, the type of man I used to think only existed in fairy tales. Trigger warning: domestic violence discussed in post.



## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

This is my second marriage and I love my husband more than I can express in words.

I was previously married off by my parents. It was a marriage that I was forced into agreeing to. I was almost 20 years old at the time and in my culture (my parents came here from Pakistan about 50 years ago), it’s normal for both male and female children to live at home until marriage.

At first, things in the marriage were actually pretty good and I thought everything was going to be okay. But, less than a year into the marriage, he began hurting me physically.

One afternoon I woke up lying down in the hallway of our home. I was face down in a small pool of my own blood. He had attacked me that day when I tried to leave him. Holding my head by my hair, he repeatedly banged my head on the floor, telling me to never try leaving him again. I’m not sure how long I was unconscious and I think I might’ve been left for dead as he was not home when I woke up.

I didn’t have the courage to call the police that day, but I eventually did after one horrific night of being beaten to a pulp. I tried to escape that night too and made it to the front lawn, where later police would take photos of the blood splattered snow, but he dragged me back into the house. He was arrested that night and taken to jail.

He hired a lawyer and got off with no criminal record, likely because it was the first time he was arrested. I didn’t care that he wasn’t sent to prison and didn’t have a record. My victory was I was free of him.

I went to therapy. I needed it. My self-esteem was lower than a rock at the bottom of the deepest ocean. After some time in therapy, I grew strong, my confidence came back and I healed from the emotional trauma that the physical abuse invisibly wounded me with.

The divorce was fairly quick, I believe it took about a year.

Eventually, I met the love of my life, the man that would show me tenderness, respect and shower me with love. Today we have been happily married for 14 years and have four kids. Meeting my husband was one of the best days of my life. I was going to say he was my happy ending, but no, he was my happy beginning. They say opposites attract and we are a little opposite and different in some ways.

His job is physically demanding and he wears safety boots and jeans that are expected to get stained on the job. I carry a Tide pen in my purse in case of any stain mishaps on my office clothes. He guzzles soft drinks from the can, I sip from a glass. I look forward to sunshiny summers while he can’t wait for cold winters. And the most noticeable one is I’m brown and he’s white.

And it all works perfectly like puzzle pieces meant to fit together.

My husband is the kindest and gentlest man I have ever known. He’s an alpha male without the stereotypical negative alpha male characteristics and all I’ve ever felt is his soft side.

My husband tells me that I’m the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen and he says it with such sincerity that I believe him.

And sometimes when he looks at me, even after so many years, I get butterflies!

On a recent date at a restaurant, as we were being seated at our table, the server asked if we were celebrating anything and my husband proudly said, “Being in love!”

My husband is the love of my life. My knight in shining armor. My dream come true.

There are a million more wonderful things I could say about my husband, but this post is already so long!

I’m sharing a video of the two of us and apologies if you find it corny!

Thank-you for letting me share.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Very nice story!

I'm so glad you escaped the first marriage and got so blessed with this second one!


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> This is my second marriage and I love my husband more than I can express in words.
> 
> I was previously married off by my parents. It was a marriage that I was forced into agreeing to. I was almost 20-years-old at the time and in my culture (my parents came here from Pakistan about 50 years ago), it’s normal for both male and female children to live at home until marriage.
> 
> ...


Thank you for sharing, and for enduring the bravery that it took to post it
What a horrible beautiful story.
I’m so glad you shared with us this message of hope. Many many people here need exactly that. Hope that everything will be ok.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

🥰🥰


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

so_sweet,

It's sad to hear of all the bad you went through. And it's inspirational of hear of the good you have found in your current marriage with a wonderful man.

That said, does your husband know that you are posting a video of him on the internet? I ask because we tend to lean towards being anonymous on this forum due to the types of personal things we discuss.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Once upon a time there was a bad azz princess ….. 

👸💪🏼


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

EleGirl said:


> so_sweet,
> 
> It's sad to hear of all the bad you went through. And it's inspirational of hear of the good you have found in your current marriage with a wonderful man.
> 
> That said, does your husband know that you are posting a video of him on the internet? I ask because we tend to lean towards being anonymous on this forum due to the types of personal things we discuss.


Hi EleGirl,

Thanks for the kind words.  

My husband knows I posted this video (I asked him if it was okay with him before posting it) and he doesn't mind at all. I do understand though what you mean and thank-you for asking me.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Thank-you everyone for the really nice messages!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Okay, now I feel kind of weird having posted this, especially if this isn't the kind of thing that's normally posted here (I'm new here). Should I remove the video and delete what I wrote in the orginal post?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> Okay, now I feel kind of weird having posted this, especially if this isn't the kind of thing that's normally posted here (I'm new here). Should I remove the video and delete what I wrote in the orginal post?


It's up to you if you're feeling funky about it.

For what it's worth, the words you wrote give insight to some of your experiences and there can be so much negativity here that to read of how you feel within your marriage is refreshing. It also made me reflect on a conversation I had with my husband (I refer to him as 'Batman' for kicks n giggles) about perceptions of 'alpha males' and that used to be quite a regular topic on these boards. Anyway, I'm not going to thread-jack. 

Welcome to TAM.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Okay, now I feel kind of weird having posted this, especially if this isn't the kind of thing that's normally posted here (I'm new here). Should I remove the video and delete what I wrote in the orginal post?


I don’t think it’s odd, it’s actually quite refreshing.

There have been other positive stories posted here, although not a lot mind you.

The video is a bit out of the norm, but as long as there’s consent from you and hubby I think it passes the test. Elegirl already chimed in and I’m pretty she’d tell us if it was an issue.

I vote leave it.
Like I have a vote or something.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

So glad everything worked out for you. And good news stories are always welcome. 

I'm curious, how are things now with your parents? I have a Pakistani friend and all his children, that are adults, are in arranged marriages. As far as I know they are all happy, but I also know they spent an incredible amount of time vetting the potential spouses. What do you parents think of your new husband?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> It's up to you if you're feeling funky about it.
> 
> For what it's worth, the words you wrote give insight to some of your experiences and there can be so much negativity here that to read of how you feel within your marriage is refreshing. It also made me reflect on a conversation I had with my husband (I refer to him as 'Batman' for kicks n giggles) about perceptions of 'alpha males' and that used to be quite a regular topic on these boards. Anyway, I'm not going to thread-jack.
> 
> Welcome to TAM.


Hi Heartsbeating,
Thanks so much! Do you mind if I ask why you call your husband "Batman"? You don't have to say, I'm just curious!


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don’t think it’s odd, it’s actually quite refreshing.
> 
> There have been other positive stories posted here, although not a lot mind you.
> 
> ...


Hi BeyondRepair007, 
Thank-you for the nice reply and for making me feel so welcome from my intro post to now.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> So glad everything worked out for you. And good news stories are always welcome.
> 
> I'm curious, how are things now with your parents? I have a Pakistani friend and all his children, that are adults, are in arranged marriages. As far as I know they are all happy, but I also know they spent an incredible amount of time vetting the potential spouses. What do you parents think of your new husband?


My parents loved my second husband from day one. My father passed away a few years ago and we made peace about everything long before he died and once again on his deathbed.

However, my relationship with my parents didn’t get better until years after the night my ex-husband was arrested. Better, but not great.

I had a very hard time after I left my first husband. I was disowned by my family, except by my mother, who wouldn’t see me but would call me from time to time.

The night they arrested my ex-husband, the police put me in touch with an organization to help me.

This organization wanted me to go to a safe house shelter type place. It was a house that looked like any other house on the block, but it had bullet-proof windows and tight security. They won’t give you the address unless you are to go there (and you’re not supposed to give it to anyone).

I told the counselor assigned to me from the organization that I would prefer to just go to my parents’ house, although she strongly urged me to go to that house.

I showed up at my parents’ house and a little while after, my mother told me I had to leave because my father didn’t want me there. My father didn’t speak to me. My mother went through her purse and gave me whatever money she had in it, about $80.

I didn’t have much money, only whatever little cash I had in my wallet as my ex-husband kept all the money in his bank account.

I sat in my car and cried. I had nowhere to go. I had no family and no friends to lean on. My ex didn’t like any of my friends and one by one my friends stopped calling or coming around.

That evening, the counselor called to check in on me and I told her what happened. She then gave me the address for the house and I went there.

I stayed there for a month, in which time I found a full-time job, found a part-time job for my days off, went to every focus group (getting paid for your opinion) I could find and got an apartment. I furthered my education and got a better job, took some university courses to make my resume more impressive and got an even better job.

No dating, no fun nights out, saved every penny. For a long time, that’s how it was. There was no way in heck I was going to be that sad, scared girl sobbing in the car ever again.

People tell me I’m strong, but I think I just did what anyone would do if in the same situation.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> Hi BeyondRepair007,
> Thank-you for the nice reply and for making me feel so welcome from my intro post to now.


That’s me, Mr Nice Guy. Wait…don’t you already owe me $1.95??
 

Really, I’m glad you’re here.
I hope the experiences you share here bring hope to others.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That’s me, Mr Nice Guy. Wait…don’t you already owe me $1.95??
> 
> 
> Really, I’m glad you’re here.
> I hope the experiences you share here bring hope to others.


Haha! I would think that should have doubled (tripled?) at this point!
And, aww, thanks.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

so_sweet said:


> Hi Heartsbeating,
> Thanks so much! Do you mind if I ask why you call your husband "Batman"? You don't have to say, I'm just curious!


Oh it’s just an affectionate nickname I have for him that i use sometimes, although more so here on TAM as I got bored writing ‘husband’ or versions of that. Plus, my avatar is of Catwoman and so it fits.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

heartsbeating said:


> Oh it’s just an affectionate nickname I have for him that i use sometimes, although more so here on TAM as I got bored writing ‘husband’ or versions of that. Plus, my avatar is of Catwoman and so it fits.


It's an adorable nickname, even more so coupled with your Catwoman avatar.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Okay, now I feel kind of weird having posted this, especially if this isn't the kind of thing that's normally posted here (I'm new here). Should I remove the video and delete what I wrote in the orginal post?


Nope. It's nice. Even the South Pole needs sun every once in a while.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> My parents loved my second husband from day one. My father passed away a few years ago and we made peace about everything long before he died and once again on his deathbed.
> 
> However, my relationship with my parents didn’t get better until years after the night my ex-husband was arrested. Better, but not great.
> 
> ...


Nope, leave this up here. This is an important thing for folks to read. I would never have talked to my father again.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Some of us do find our happy ending don't we. Sorry to hear about what you endured, I've often found myself asking what drives people to violence and domestic violence in particular. I've had differences with my partner sometimes, and its resulted in heated conversations, different opinions and perspectives, but you grow through those and understand what not to do in those situations. I'm glad you found a person who appreciates you for you


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

so_sweet said:


> My parents loved my second husband from day one. My father passed away a few years ago and we made peace about everything long before he died and once again on his deathbed.
> 
> However, my relationship with my parents didn’t get better until years after the night my ex-husband was arrested. Better, but not great.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the back story. Very sad that your father and, to some degree, your mother chose cultural tradition over the safety and well being of their daughter, but also glad to hear that you made peace with your father.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Nope, leave this up here. This is an important thing for folks to read. I would never have talked to my father again.


I hear what you're saying, but a reason I decided to forgive my father was for my own sake. I didn't want to have that negativity in my life. Our relationship never felt the same though.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> I hear what you're saying, but a reason I decided to forgive my father was for my own sake. I didn't want to have that negativity in my life. Our relationship never felt the same though.



Your OP, and what followed it's very, very eerily closed to my childhood experience, seeing my mother getting beat up everytime the MF of my father would come home drunk. Needless to say, as I got older and in my late teens it finally broke the proverbial camel's back and in his last attempt to beat me after defending my mother, I beat the crap out of him. Actually left him lying in the floor a bloody mess. I had to leave home, and made a life of my own, but that was OK. My childhood and late teen experiences, toughen me up. It showed me to treat women with respect, and to never lift a hand on them, no matter how upset I might be. I learned to never accept disrespect, to have self respect and dignity. After 25 years, I saw my father for the first time again. It was anticlimactic, and I spoke to him, but to this day I have nothing but contempt, but I don't hate him anymore (I wouldn't let him have that much power over me), just there's nothing emotionally from me to him. My mother finally divorced him. Thanks god. 

So, glad that you found after all your horrors and tribulations someone to cherish and love. keep nurturing the flame of that love.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

So my Step father never hit, but he did yell and scream, get with in an inch of my Mom's face and scream hysterically, slam doors, stuff like that. Also why I ended up leaving because eventually I wanted to kick his ass.

I found it was a control thing. He had poor people skills and would end up getting fired from jobs and such, but I don't think he would yell there. He would come home and try to intimidate everyone, I think because he knew he was failing at life. 

But who knows.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Your OP, and what followed it's very, very eerily closed to my childhood experience, seeing my mother getting beat up everytime the MF of my father would come home drunk. Needless to say, as I got older and in my late teens it finally broke the proverbial camel's back and in his last attempt to beat me after defending my mother, I beat the crap out of him. Actually left him lying in the floor a bloody mess. I had to leave home, and made a life of my own, but that was OK. My childhood and late teen experiences, toughen me up. It showed me to treat women with respect, and to never lift a hand on them, no matter how upset I might be. I learned to never accept disrespect, to have self respect and dignity. After 25 years, I saw my father for the first time again. It was anticlimactic, and I spoke to him, but to this day I have nothing but contempt, but I don't hate him anymore (I wouldn't let him have that much power over me), just there's nothing emotionally from me to him. My mother finally divorced him. Thanks god.
> 
> So, glad that you found after all your horrors and tribulations someone to cherish and love. keep nurturing the flame of that love.


I’m really sorry you had to experience all of that. But it looks like that if there was ever a case of making lemonade out of lemons, your story is it. I’m happy for you that you came out of it all in such a positive way.

In regard to your relationship with your father, I’m sorry it wasn’t a happier ending. Do you think there is hope of a better relationship with him in the future or is it a done deal for you?


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> So my Step father never hit, but he did yell and scream, get with in an inch of my Mom's face and scream hysterically, slam doors, stuff like that. Also why I ended up leaving because eventually I wanted to kick his ass.
> 
> I found it was a control thing. He had poor people skills and would end up getting fired from jobs and such, but I don't think he would yell there. He would come home and try to intimidate everyone, I think because he knew he was failing at life.
> 
> But who knows.


Yep, I think it sounds like a control thing as well. I think yelling and screaming like that was abusive and my heart goes out to your mom. I hope she is doing well now.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

so_sweet said:


> Do you think there is hope of a better relationship with him in the future or is it a done deal for you?


 I do have a relationship with him, but it is at a distance, mostly just to be polite. I only talk to him about once a month for about 5-7 minutes. That's all I can stomach.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

so_sweet said:


> Yep, I think it sounds like a control thing as well. I think yelling and screaming like that was abusive and my heart goes out to your mom. I hope she is doing well now.


Yep, they divorced about 10 years after I left when he started doing other shenanigans. At this point I was established and she told me what was going on. Her reason for staying was that she felt afraid to be alone, but I pointed out that she was actually in worse danger if she stayed because his shenanigans would bring her down with him. So they divorced and she had a hard 5 or so years, in the sense that she needed to establish herself, though honestly I think not having all the tension was still better. Then she ended up working herself into a very good career and just retired. She says all the time that the last 20 years have been the best of her life.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> I do have a relationship with him, but it is at a distance, mostly just to be polite. I only talk to him about once a month for about 5-7 minutes. That's all I can stomach.


I wish you all the best. 🙂


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> Yep, they divorced about 10 years after I left when he started doing other shenanigans. At this point I was established and she told me what was going on. Her reason for staying was that she felt afraid to be alone, but I pointed out that she was actually in worse danger if she stayed because his shenanigans would bring her down with him. So they divorced and she had a hard 5 or so years, in the sense that she needed to establish herself, though honestly I think not having all the tension was still better. Then she ended up working herself into a very good career and just retired. She says all the time that the last 20 years have been the best of her life.


You're sound like a really great son and I'm happy to hear your mom was so successful! 🙂


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