# help..my husband is quiet confused of his role as a father and a husband



## selena24 (Apr 1, 2012)

i am married to a man who has 2 adult kids 19 (daughter) and 22(son)..im pregnant and still working to save up for my maternity leave..he still is paying for everything for this kids which i have no right to complain..they are both working and has been told to stop cause of school but won't listen, has been asked school/work..chose work but doesn't wanna stop school..my husband don't know what to do so he kept spending money for them not knowing where is it going.. ..both are failing in class..getting Cs in majors..changing majors, in other hand just screwing in school..son recently crashed his car so he got him another one..spends over 300$ for gas/month..he complains to me about it keeps going on and on..i am so tired of hearing those until i said something about he isn't implementing the role of a father but only a provider that they lack of discipline and he said that his gonna tell his daughter about what i said and the daughter will hate me and not talk to me and i stopped him cause i don't want trouble..which is stupid of me though everytime we fight over something he'd tell his daughter theres no such thing as for couples only..i know i should have tell him to MARRY HIS OWN DAUGHTER i don't feel like a wife around here its always his daughter who has authority over something..like what to buy for furnitures what color and everything every time i suggest something always throw away..he spoiled his kids too much ..imagine we still do everything for them from laundry to cleaning their rooms and restrooms..even taking the trash out of their room is still us..they don't do anything except eat, play, and sleep..makes a mess in the house..seriously..i think my husband is treating them as toddlers..we cannot leave the house without making something for them to eat..the son is quiet doesn't talk but doesn't obey and no respect..the daughter talks back, rude, acts as if she's got servant..get me this, do this for me..peel this for me..im not eating it if u don't put it on a plate for me..stuffs like that. .and when i asked stuffs jokingly to him he acts as if its the end of the world whereas to his kids go go go..in fact he's still paying for the debt that his former wife acquired when she was still alive and most of it are from the expensive bags, clothes, jewelries..all girly stuffs in short..i saw the receipts on the boxes where her stuffs are..prada, channel, KP,MJs,Celine, Burberry,Gucci..and so much more..

also i need him to realize his too much to his kids that they need to be disciplined cause i don't want them to influenced my child and it hurts me more when he complain about this and that about his children i feel the pressure ..that also he will be more concern for the future of my child and not only to his adult spoiled kids..i want my child to be respectful and kind far from the siblings behavior

we still aren't talking and i would never do the first move otherwise the topic will be left alone..and he never tried to either..well, whenever he try i have a letter ready for him stating all my concerns and hurts he gave me..cause i cant talk and cry I'm so emotional i lost words every time 

is there anything i should add more on the letter??? any advice in general?? id appreciate it

thank you for taking time to read this thread i know its quiet long 
best regards
selena


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## tokn (Sep 9, 2011)

Wow that's a tough situation to be in.

Do you have separate finances? Does he use joint money to pay for their stuff?

Sounds like he is over compensating to the kids for their loss of their mom.

But your H needs to stop treating his children as if they are babies, and cut the umbilical cord. He shouldn't be turning his kids against you like that when you argue.

If this were me, my priority is going to be myself and my unborn child. I would reiterate to the husband that you have a new child on the way. Ask him where you and the new baby stand in this relationship? Are you and the new child not a priority? His children are adults now, if they want to live a life of luxury they can work for it. Your new baby can't even feed itself and needs to be number one. If he doesn't see that or doesn't change the focus to you and the new born then the marriage is in trouble and isn't going to work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## selena24 (Apr 1, 2012)

tokn said:


> Wow that's a tough situation to be in.
> 
> Do you have separate finances? Does he use joint money to pay for their stuff?
> 
> ...



@ tokn 
thanks for the reply
yes we do have separate finances i pay my own bills like (car, gas, cellphone, cable) and help out for the groceries..hes pretty much paying for everything in the house..no he doesn't use our joint account (hopefully) cause its not enough lol I'm the only one putting up money on it so far he only put up 100$ on it seriously and the rest are mine..its not much cause we just opened it like 7-8 months ago and my part of the tax return goes to our joint account... yep its definitely on my letter to him the baby or them..i don't wanna ruin my marriage because of his kids specially we will have a child pretty soon (I'm 8months pregnant btw) thank tokn for the reply i appreciate it..more power to you and to your family


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

I'm sorry about this
you do not deserver to be treated that way
Your hubby is turning his children from you, doesn't he want you and his children to be family? I don't see this happening with the way he is enabling them and letting them be rude to you. If you stick around long enough in this situation your unborn child will grow to treat you the way that his children treat you.

H needs to know that you are not a servant and your say should matter more that his Daughter... it sounds like the decisions you supposed to make are made by his daughter.

could it be that your H is spoiling his children because of the loss? 

have you considered counselling?


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

First, the "kids" are adults. You should treat them that way and expect that they can exercise the maturity to treat you in kind. So I would stop cooking for them, cleaning for them, etc. That is a decision you can make on your own and it is totally reasonable. You should not ask your husband's permission for this. 

Second, your husband has his own independent relationship with his children. They are his children, not yours, and I doubt he will look kindly on your attempts to tell him how he should treat them (nor will they). If he wants to spoil them, it is his decision.

Your best bet is to establish boundaries of how you want to be treated (and what you will and won't do for others). If your husband is fulfilling his responsibilities to you, then how his treats his children is really none of your business.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Zombie thread alert... 

C


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