# Sex 2 Times in 8 months



## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

I am having a really hard time in my marriage right now. My husband has only had sex with me twice in the past 8 months or so. Prior to that we had only had sex a few times while I was pregnant with our son. So it is going on a year with very little passion, sex, or affection.

I am not sure what to think of this. As a stay at home mom {or work at home mom rather}, I am constantly working from home while taking care of our two boys and my oldest child. My husband works six days a week @ about 10 hour days. With no affection other than the kiss goodbye in the morning and kiss hello in the evenings, I am starting to feel very insecure with myself, having trust issues with my husband and fear the worse.

I have discussed how I feel with my husband, I have told him I feel like I am ugly, fat, or not good enough. I have told him I feel like he is not attracted to me anymore, and that if that is the case he needs to be honest, because if that is true, then there is nothing we can do - and although it would hurt to hear that - it's not the end of the world really, and that we have to be honest with each other or else this marriage will break.

He tells me he does love me, he tells me that he has just been really tired, we have an 8 month old who is in our bed, and a 2 year old who has not been sleeping and takes a lot of our time and energy. With my husband only have 3 hours a sleep at night and all the issues with our children it's hard to have time for "us". He swears he is not cheating, he swears his interest only lies with me, and that he would never dream of hurting me by cheating. He tells me that he doesn't feel like things are as bad as I am making them out to be, and that he still loves me but yes something is missing - we do need to connect more and that he does agree that our relationship is really taking a toll from all that is going on.

I am a FIRM BELIEVER in that "gut feeling" ... and since I had not had the "gut feeling" I believed him and have just been giving him the benefit of the doubt in regards to his interest lying only with me. Well this past weekend we went out to a local fair and well, this girl, waved to him and gave me this odd kinda look {not sure what the "look" was, other than she looks confused to see me}. Now normally a girl waving to my husband would be no big deal, seriously, it's a wave. BUT because he has only had sex with me 2 times in the past 8 months, this "wave" became something more. I was really upset, but tried not to show it and asked him later on about "her". 

He said she was from work and he has maybe said hi to her twice in the two years he has been at his job. I was confused, and didn't feel that the look she gave me and the wave she gave him was just a wave that they had said "hey" a couple of times. And then ... my GUT FEELING kicked in, even now as I write this - I have a sense of sickness coming over me, nausea so to speak... I want so badly to believe my husband doesn't' have interest elsewhere but my opinion is that if he is not showing interest in me, at all, and we are not having sex, then he must be feeling lost like me and whether "cheating" or not - he may have interest elsewhere.

I don't know what to do...part of me wants to believe him and work on things, but the other part of me can not let go of this "feeling" and doesn't believe his story of "this girl". 

We have been married 2 years in May but been together longer.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Could you explain more about your sleep patterns? Who only has 3 hours sleep at night and why?


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## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Could you explain more about your sleep patterns? Who only has 3 hours sleep at night and why?


My husband is only getting 3 hours of sleep a night and working around 60 hours a week to support our family. The reason is because up until a couple nights ago, our middle child was suffering from major hyperactivity issues, and was not able to 'settle' down to sleep until midnight. We now have that issue, after seeing many specialists, settled with our middle child. Since my husband had to get up at 4am he was only getting about 3 1/2 hours but usually 3 hours of sleep and I was getting 4-5 a night.

So due our sons issues and having a baby, we both had to help with our middle child while one tended to our baby. Which meant no sleep for Dad.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

bet said:


> Since my husband had to get up at 4am he was only getting about 3 1/2 hours but usually 3 hours of sleep and I was getting 4-5 a night.


3 hours sleep would drive anybody crazy. However, given the incident with the girl he waved at, I think you need to watch carefully. Was sex OK a year or two ago?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Unless you have proof of an affair you should operate under the guise that he isn't having one...sometimes gut feelings are just simple paranoia that are exacerbated.

If you have little ones in bed with you that's a problem...and if he is working 60 hours a week plus not sleeping well at night plus dealing with a hyper child plus dealing with having a little one in the same bed plus the stress of your insecurities...I can see where intimacy might be a problem for him.

It sounds like you're both a little overwhelmed by everything and need to take a step back and find some time to be together...you need to find a sitter and have a night out...or an afternoon...and if you can afford it a hotel room for the afternoon or even for a little while in the evening...

If that is impossible to accomplish then you should still find a way to be together at home, without the kids in the bed...find your way back to one another...it's difficult with little ones but not that hard to do. 

You have to be creative and you need to feel good about yourself and have him feel good about you...sneak off to a different room in the house, greet him at the door in a nighty hidden behind a coat and wisk him away to the basement, the laundry room, the kitchen or right on the living room floor...don't give him time to think about it...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

or invite him to lunch with you.. go pick him up and have a 'nooner' in the back seat.. (remember your teenage years?? LOL)

his response will tell all...

I bet you're just being paranoid.. and unless you have proof, don't assume. it can wreck lots of things..

mike


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## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

Good Good Points! I assume it's me being over reactive, unrealistic and yes even paranoid. I think that's why maybe we can move forward together, working on rebuilding our "affections".

His point was pretty close to your points, we have had a lot on our plates and put "us" on the back burner. He comes home for a 5 minute lunch everyday from work, he calls me occasionally on his break to say hey I love you, and he just seems HONEST, I mean if someone were to ask me "honestly" if I thought he was seriously having an affair? My response would be "NO". I seriously doubt a person who is not in love would be taking the time to come home for FIVE minutes at lunch?!

Thank you all so much for replying, you have basically made me realize what I have been thinking, but was not able to let myself think.

I need to first work on finding myself again, because that is where my "issues" came up - starting to feel like I am "just mom" it is making me so insecure that I am not "Me" anymore.

Thank you again for your open minded points of view - I would honestly rather work hard on my marriage than just walk away.


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

That's very little sleep. I have two kids and I know that they zap EVERYTHING out of you.

Get the kids out of your bed. What would hurt your child more ... sleeping in their own room next to yours or not having both mom and dad living with them? The latter, obviously. Cosleeping is great as long as the marriage isn't suffering. If the marriage is suffering, you desperately need to reclaim that bed.

Get some babysitting help for a weekend day, preferably with the kids out of the house for a few hours. Of course, that depends on your support system and how well your little one does with others. But try! Nake a nap together. Then wake up and have some fun.

As for the waving girl, well, you just don't know. Even if he's a good man, it's possible. A young family is very very stressful and people deal with it differently. Are there missing gaps of time in your husband's day? Do you call to say hi at work and he's always where he should be? I would continue to take note of your gut reactions, but I wouldn't get paranoid either. It's possible that girl just thinks he's cute, but he's never given her a second thought.

Have you tried just helping to increase his libido by an occasional BJ or hand-job that requires nothing back? It may just wake his body enough to make him want it more often and, as sleep improves, he'll come back to you.


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## bet (Apr 13, 2009)

MsLady said:


> That's very little sleep. I have two kids and I know that they zap EVERYTHING out of you.
> 
> Get the kids out of your bed. What would hurt your child more ... sleeping in their own room next to yours or not having both mom and dad living with them? The latter, obviously. Cosleeping is great as long as the marriage isn't suffering. If the marriage is suffering, you desperately need to reclaim that bed. *I agree that the co-sleeping is causing our marraige to suffer, which is one thing my husband and I have discussed. We starting focusing on getting our baby into his crib last night, and it was nice having a night without baby in bed!*
> 
> ...


WOW - you have opened my eyes a bit, and I thank you. I replied in BOLD. I really am thinking that I need to start giving like I used to with him in a sexual way, but at the same time we need to get baby out of our crib so that we can have that time to give to each other. 

Thank you a ton:smthumbup:


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