# Maybe I am too selfish?



## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Well I am back again. Last time I posted here I was near to a divorce. We worked it out and all seemed to be good for awhile. Although I suspect it was money and not the fact that anything changed emotionally.

We decided to try to have a baby over the last 1 yr and have recently become successful. The problem is it has now opened up a whole can of worms I thought had disappeared. 
For the last 1 year I have been working two jobs so we can save to go back to Australia. We pretty much gave up on having a baby and our time to head back home was getting close. Then the pregnancy happened. Well I had already given notice to one of my jobs. Basically I havnt had a life for the last year and have been miserable. Work is never something I enjoy and always only work to my needs to support my outside life. I have never had an issue with earing enough or paying the bills.

This is all an issue because my wife has a different way of looking at life and alot of it is cultural. She does not understand interests in hobbies or not putting work before everything else. I have known this before but thought it was all sorted as she said after our last big argument that she was happy to live on just enough and to enjoy our life as best as possible.

Apparently not. I recently told her that I plan to only work the one job so I can go back to enjoying my life and practice my hobbies. Well the **** hit the fan and basically she was like " I knew this would happen you just dont like work! you should just go back to Australia now!" 

Well I could put this down to hormones from pregnency but she said a lot of things that I have been concerned about. The thing that has kept her quiet the last year was me working a lot. Her father was a life long one job, everything for work type guy. She really judges everything on this. Plus Asian Cutlure is pretty much this thinking anyway.

In the end it comes down to the fact that I am really wondering whether I am wasting my time with this relationship and how to handle it with the pregnency.

I mean a quick solution I think of at moment is finding another job and work 2 jobs for another 6 mths until baby is born the see about us going back to our house in Australia. But I will be miserable for another 6 mths and I am not sure whether at he end of 6 mths she will want another 12. She already hinted at me doin another 12.

Should I standup for myself and live the life I want. Or is this a time to sacrifice. I never had a father so I am at a loss how to deal with these things. I definetely do not want a life of work and no enjoyment.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

28 views and no reply. it must be hopless 

anybody got a little advice? I have nobody to talk to. cant talk to wife anymore because she cant be stressed with the pregnancy.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

newguy said:


> 28 views and no reply. it must be hopless
> 
> anybody got a little advice? I have nobody to talk to. cant talk to wife anymore because she cant be stressed with the pregnancy.


Hi.

This is tough. It sounds like she wants you to be her wage slave. You are right not to earn more than you need. Life is for living NOW. the future is not with us yet. If you buckle now, she will always have the upper hand. I would stand firm. The thing that worries me most is that not only does she want the extra money, but she likes you being out of the house too. Being out that much is bound to put a strain on the marriage later. Then she might be tempted to have an affair, and she will tell everybody - "He's never at home, all he does is work work work" - so it will be all your fault.

Of course, she is probably getting a major nesting instinct right now, so it might pass somewhat - but her cultural roots sound strong.


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## YoungMilitarySpouse (Apr 9, 2009)

I hate taking sides because you never know the entire situation until you hear both sides....
But from what you are saying it depends on what your hobbies are. Marriage is a responsibility. You make the decision that you are going to support your family. If only working one job means you can't pay your bills, then you are not supporting your family and being practical. At the same time, is your wife just mooching? Has she ever worked or thought about getting a job before the pregnancy? Is she being economical with the money you're making or does she just want more more more no matter what you make? 
I dont understand why she would make you work two jobs if you didnt need to because I would think shed rather you be home to spend time with her.
Back to your hobbies....would you rather be off doing something ALL day long and never be home and never help clean and cook, etc? Im not saying you cant have a life Im just trying to be fair and see both sides. I think everyone deserves to be happy and you have to keep yourself in marriage. You are a person with likes and dislikes and interests and hobbies and that is who you are and your wife should embrace it and love it and you. But not if it means youre never home or spending time together or that the family doesnt have enough money to live off of


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Hi.
> 
> This is tough. It sounds like she wants you to be her wage slave. You are right not to earn more than you need. Life is for living NOW. the future is not with us yet. If you buckle now, she will always have the upper hand. I would stand firm. The thing that worries me most is that not only does she want the extra money, but she likes you being out of the house too. Being out that much is bound to put a strain on the marriage later. Then she might be tempted to have an affair, and she will tell everybody - "He's never at home, all he does is work work work" - so it will be all your fault.
> 
> Of course, she is probably getting a major nesting instinct right now, so it might pass somewhat - but her cultural roots sound strong.


I dont think being out of the house working too much would ever be a problem for her. I can trust her in that way no doubt in me at all.She is not how can I say? " overly affectionate or clingy type" 

Strangely our relationship works for the most part except for things to do with money. I am trying to pass this off as a pregnent thing but deep down I know it isnt.

Another thing is, this is my real first relationship. I feel a lot of the time I let her bully me around emotionally. Whenever she really wants something her way she brings divorce into the conversation. I am getting tired of it. But also want to try my hardest to keep the marriage together. I never had a father and see to often marriages given up on trivial stuff and people not trying. I dont want to be that person. I have a temper and tend to overact in emotional states so I need to becareful I make and say smart things.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

YoungMilitarySpouse said:


> I hate taking sides because you never know the entire situation until you hear both sides....
> But from what you are saying it depends on what your hobbies are. Marriage is a responsibility. You make the decision that you are going to support your family. If only working one job means you can't pay your bills, then you are not supporting your family and being practical. At the same time, is your wife just mooching? Has she ever worked or thought about getting a job before the pregnancy? Is she being economical with the money you're making or does she just want more more more no matter what you make?
> I don't understand why she would make you work two jobs if you didn't need to because I would think shed rather you be home to spend time with her.
> Back to your hobbies....would you rather be off doing something ALL day long and never be home and never help clean and cook, etc? I'm not saying you cant have a life I'm just trying to be fair and see both sides. I think everyone deserves to be happy and you have to keep yourself in marriage. You are a person with likes and dislikes and interests and hobbies and that is who you are and your wife should embrace it and love it and you. But not if it means your never home or spending time together or that the family doesn't have enough money to live off of


Paying the bills has never been a problem. My hobbies are martial arts and I usually enjoy training 3 or 4 times a week after work. I help around the house as much as possible. I never go out. So I am home if ot working or training. I dont feel as though I am putting martial arts before her. But I just dont think I could be happy if she controls my life to the extent I cant have any hobbies. She has never understood why I would put so much time into something so silly when I could be working those hours to save money. Its all about saving money to her.

She is not a moocher, she has always worked but she has hinted numerous times that she would enjoy not working and to stay home. But I dont think it is in her nature to do so.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

This post bothers me on many levels.

1. I don't think anyone should blame marriage problems on cultural roots. It sounds like she is Asian, and you are white Australian living in USA? Although your culture has a huge bearing on your personality, I believe any conflicts should have been worked out before entering a mixed marriage. 

2. Your life is going to change after the baby arrives. Raising children costs money. How do you expect to handle that extra expense by working less?

3. Planning your hobbies at this critical stage of your marriage as your wife is pregnant is very very selfish. Giving up a paying job so you can run off and enjoy alone time separate from your wife and child does not sound responsible at all. I would suggest devoting time to your new baby as your new hobby to find enjoyment in life. If money is a huge issue, maybe you can stay home and she can go work outside. 

4. What's the deal with a house in Australia? Do you own it? If you aren't living there and still paying for it, then just sell it. That should give you a huge break financially, right?

5. Anyhow, hope I didn't sound too mean. Good luck.


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## newguy (Mar 25, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> This post bothers me on many levels.
> 
> 1. I don't think anyone should blame marriage problems on cultural roots. It sounds like she is Asian, and you are white Australian living in USA? Although your culture has a huge bearing on your personality, I believe any conflicts should have been worked out before entering a mixed marriage.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the honest reply I will answer as best I can.

1. I am Australian living in Taiwan with my wife. Actually cultural issues are not as easy as you think to be all sorted before marriage. Sometimes you just dont know that things will be an issue until they pop up. For instance now she is pregnant I can not move anything in the rooms as it will cause bad Feng Shui. Nothin too serious compared to some of the things. But I roll with it as it pops up I am easy going type person and understand there will be things we do and believe differently.

2. Yes I know having a baby is goin to cost more and this is an issue I think she has. But there is not a problem with me earning enough to support us and the baby. The issue is whether I am working as much as possible to save money for our furture. This is a smart idea financially I agree. But I will be miserable in the mean time. So we may have extra nice things but I wont be happy.

3. When the baby is born I would definitely would rather spend time with the baby than working a second job. If having a baby means you need to give up all interests outside of family and work than maybe having a baby was a big mistake for me. But I am sure I see happy people out there with families and doin the hobbies they enjoy at same time. I agree I made a mistake of bringing the issue up with her at this time though

4. We have a house in Australia that we love a great deal. We want to go back to it and live soon. Well was the plan but who knows how things will work out now.

5. Not mean at all. Basically you are putting my wifes side of things up


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

newguy said:


> I don't think being out of the house working too much would ever be a problem for her. I can trust her in that way no doubt in me at all.She is not how can I say? " overly affectionate or clingy type"


Every man who thinks he can tell who is capable of affairs and who is not has been proved wrong so far. What _is _well known is that resentment is often a huge part of the cause. From what you say, she is almost setting you up to be an object of resentment. Resented is you don't work two jobs, *now*, but resented if you do work two jobs, *later*.

*Sensitive* is right. Starting a family consumes a lot of cash, so you have to strike a balance. But if you let a woman boss and bully you to the point that she loses all respect, you will not have a happy marriage anyway.


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