# lost interest in husband



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I have lost sexual interest in my husband. He's a great guy! He loves me a lot! I'm very lucky that way. And I know it.

But sexually...I've lost a lot of interest. 

I've have a lot of theories to my diminishing interest in him sexually. He is a bit boring. He doesn't care where it is, but it's usually in bed. I've tried scenarios with him, but he doesn't seem to have much of an imagination. He just mimics what I tell him to say.  He doesn't care for sexy clothes. He just wants them all off. 

I thought it might be me and my hormones, but I found out recently that isn't true.

We don't have kids.

I'm not attracted to anyone else either.

My husband is my very best friend, but I don't find him all that attractive sexually anymore. 

He tries so hard to help me be interested too. He lost 20 pounds thinking that might be it. It's not. He's flat out asked me if I'm interested in him anymore. I lied and said yes. I don't want to hurt him, he means the world to me. 

Another thing I think it might be is that I'm not one who likes myself much. The older I get the less I like me. The stupider I feel. Etc. Etc. I've tried counseling, but it never goes anywhere. I can't say why I don't like myself. And I feel like no one else likes me either. Sometimes I wonder why my husband does. 

And the last thing I wonder is if it was something ingrained from church as a kid. As a kid (and somewhat into my adult life) I was big on following the rules. Unless I knew it was flat out wrong, I would obey my elders. The church made sex sound bad. They were really good about that. 

That's what I know for now...and help would be appreciated. Thanks.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

When I was a kid whenever I would say, "I'm bored." my mom would automatically say, "You're boring."

It's stuck with me to this day. What she meant was that if I am bored it's up to ME to change that. It wasn't her responsibility to suggest things for me to do. Bored people are boring to be around. 

I think that's true in your case. You're bored, but you are looking at your husband to make your life less boring. He's not the one who is bored. You are. You have to make things interesting for yourself whether or not you get feedback you want from him.

Find a way. Have a glass of wine first. Watch a sexy movie. Do something that puts you in the mood and makes the experience interesting to you and that will translate to interest towards your husband.


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think you'd like him to take charge now and then, right?
Your other issues are real, but probably not the core except maybe wondering why he loves, not just likes you. Respect his opinion on other issues? If so, trust him on this one

He sounds lovely
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## JustBrowsing (May 6, 2011)

orangyred said:


> He's flat out asked me if I'm interested in him anymore. I lied and said yes.


This is why guys get confused.

Guys are SIMPLE.

You need to be direct and upfront with him.

If you're into some freaky stuff, tell him. Let him know you're changing. You may be surprised at his reaction.


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

orangyred, you remind me a lot of myself actually except that I'm a guy 

Easily bored doesn't necessarily scream "character flaw." I think some of us just need more octane to turn the motor. Like you, I lied to my spouse for many many years in order to protect her feelings. It's a slippery slope which only gets worse, so I think that you should be honest.

Absent some medical situation, most people can get turned on by SOMETHING. Find out what that is and then work together to incorporate it into your marriage. 

Good luck!


-seahorse





orangyred said:


> I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I have lost sexual interest in my husband. He's a great guy! He loves me a lot! I'm very lucky that way. And I know it.
> 
> But sexually...I've lost a lot of interest.
> 
> ...


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

orangyred said:


> I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I have lost sexual interest in my husband. He's a great guy! He loves me a lot! I'm very lucky that way. And I know it.
> 
> But sexually...I've lost a lot of interest.
> 
> ...


Ok, it sounds like you have a few things going on here....Help me dissect...

1. You are having some problems with loving YOURSELF, feeling others do not like you and feeling stupid. These feelings about self can cleary hamper your feeling alive to your "sexual" self as well ~~~ which can hold you back from bringing this ALIVENESS to the bedroom and arousing your husband to new heights sexually. Maybe places you & him have never explored before. 

2. Your husband sounds very laid back, easy to please but on the sexually boring side = vanilla. You obviously are craving MORE from him in this area, more ooomppphh, more creativity, more aggression, more variety. You feel if he gives THIS to you-on his own -WITHOUT being told or mimiced, you feel this may spark some passion in you, arouse your desire for him- what you are lacking , wanting from him. 

A little flirting , lusty interaction can make a woman feel all gushy and happier than she has in a long time. Is this what you crave from your husband but he seems powerless to provide? 

3. You mention Church upbringing, Sex being taught -tained as "BAD". I could write a book on that particular subject myself. Did a whole thread on it -how it messed with My mind and hampered ME , even my husband to a degree. Do you feel your husband has a struggle here also?

Physcially speaking, does your husband still look good, would other women desire him, notice him out & about? 

Here is a great book for couples who are struggling with Desire for their spouses, they have lost it somewhere along the line , this is fairly common but it CAN be overcome! Take heart. Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books

I have some suggestions to Revive the passion, things that really lit a spark for me & my husband. Some are a little out of the box.

I can relate to you in some degree. MY husband has always been pretty vanilla. These last few years I have wanted him to take more of a lead in the bedroom , but well, I came to the Realization- with much studying about sex drives, reading about hormones, personality types, communication, activities, he prefers the "aggressive" type woman in bed-- that is what floats his boat and luckily, I can BE that very well. It works for us amazingly. I wanted more oooomph out of him too but when there is love, you can find a way -if you both WANT the same thing. You can overcome these obstacles. 

It sounds as though your husband WANTS to be with you, he enjoys sex, no rejection is going on? This is a grand start. Now to RIVIVE your passion for him and come into your confident sexual self -would be very very very helpful. 

Mine never cared for the lingerie either, he just "wanted it off". Think about that statement, it really Isn't Such a bad thing, now it is !? 

*What did you LOVE and DESIRE about your husband when you met, dated, got married*? Instead of informing him you are struggling with desiring him, maybe open up the dialog more along the lines of going back in time, reminiscing of the past, things that brought you together, activities you & he enjoyed but lost along the way, bring that to the here & now, or sit down and say I am realizing some things about myself --this is what I want..... can we try this..... 

Have you ever tried a Sex Board game ? 

Are you harboring any *resentment* towards him -about anything ? 

When was the last time you took a Romantic Vacation together? Danced to some old love songs?


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

thanks all. I've read through what you wrote and I'm processing it.


----------



## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

R U my wife? LOL You sound a lot like her. Past few months we've been having a great time in bed EXCEPT it's become all about her, she has not been concerned about me...at all. I'm into all kinds of things and am willing to experiment but she just wants to be played w/. Fri. night she had an orgasm that lasted 45min!! I was down there doing all the work and it got kinda of boring, never once did she think about me, I lost my erection. When she was done she was kind enough to ask if I had cum......
My wife is just over 40, she used to be concerned about just getting me off so she could get back to her farm (farm ville), over the past year it has become all about her. I'm thinking it's a age thing but I could be wrong. I did notice I've lost interest in sex when it's just about her, boy I must be a selfish bastard.
Good Luck!
Mouse


----------



## chingchang (Sep 21, 2010)

orangyred said:


> I'm not attracted to anyone else either.
> 
> My husband is my very best friend, but I don't find him all that attractive sexually anymore.
> 
> The church made sex sound bad.


3 separate issues...

#1: If you're not attracted to anyone else...you won't be attracted to your husband. Our biological makeup dictates attraction. If you don't feel attraction...the issue is bigger than your present relationship.

#2: While it might be nice that your husband is your best friend...that often can put out the flames in a sexual relationship. Friendship does not equal sex.

#3: The Church has failed Christians in MANY ways...and sex is one of the most glaring examples. You need to deprogram everything you've learned from the Church with regard to sex. There is a great book called "Divine Sex" that provides a Godly view of sex and corrects the false teachings of the Church. You can get it from Amazon. I highly recommend it. 

Hugs,
CC


----------



## mysteryman (Apr 15, 2011)

orangyred said:


> I'm not sure what is wrong with me, but I have lost sexual interest in my husband. He's a great guy! He loves me a lot! I'm very lucky that way. And I know it.
> 
> But sexually...I've lost a lot of interest.
> 
> ...


you need to be honest with your husband and tell him the truth based on how you describe him he should be understanding.

now you say the church will it all depends on the type of church you go to the church that I go to and what the bible teaches about sex is that it is something wonderful created by God to be enjoyed without the walls of a marriage, sex outside of marriage is wrong from a Godly point of view.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm not sure what the problem is. Neither of you seems that interested or invested in love making. Why not let sleeping dogs lie. I have to tell you my marriage has been sexless for a very very long time. My wife never had the interest and I gave up. I think we're both ok with it, at least that aspect of it, by now.


----------



## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> 2. Your husband sounds very laid back, easy to please but on the sexually boring side = vanilla. You obviously are craving MORE from him in this area, more ooomppphh, more creativity, more aggression, more variety. You feel if he gives THIS to you-on his own -WITHOUT being told or mimiced, you feel this may spark some passion in you, arouse your desire for him- what you are lacking , wanting from him.
> 
> A little flirting , lusty interaction can make a woman feel all gushy and happier than she has in a long time. Is this what you crave from your husband but he seems powerless to provide?


:iagree: With this particularly. Maybe if you tell him you need this in order to feel attracted to him he really won't mind stepping up and providing it for you.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you lie to him about being interested in him? Lieing isn't going to solve the problem... Being honest and open may solve it. And yes, hurting now will feel like crap. But trust me... The conversation that will come in the future, the one that includes "Spouse, I want a divorce..." is much more painful than pretty much anything you can do now.

C


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I've thought a lot of what each of you have said. I thank you for the tips and advice!

To add to it...?

Last night my husband wanted relations. I wanted to be a good wife (and sometimes this works) so I let him have a go. But I wasn't into it. And then he picks up on that...even though I try so hard not to let him! And then he can't go. 

I got mad at myself for not being the wife I want to be for him in this area and I was mad at him for not reading me better (which I know is stupid since I know I told him one thing and was thinking another). 

Mostly I'm frustrated with myself for not wanting it more. I feel like I'm not loving him enough by not wanting sex (beginning to wonder after all your comments if this is more about not being interested in sex and not so much not being interested in my husband).


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Did you ever like sex?


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

at the beginning a lot and still from time to time. I think it would come down to every couple of months though at this point in my life.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

orangyred said:


> at the beginning a lot and still from time to time. I think it would come down to every couple of months though at this point in my life.


I've read the more you do it, the more you like it. It's a use it or lose it type of thing.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Another thing I think it might be is that I'm not one who likes myself much. The older I get the less I like me. The stupider I feel. Etc. Etc. I've tried counseling, but it never goes anywhere. I can't say why I don't like myself. And I feel like no one else likes me either. Sometimes I wonder why my husband does.


 THIS!!!!

Also you NEED to be truthful with your husband. I cannot stress this enough. You NEED to tell him you aren't interested in him. You also HAVE to tell him about your low self esteem, and get his help and support on this. DO NOT CONTINUE HIDING THIS FROM HIM! If you cannot do it yourself, do it with the help of a MC or pastor if you are still religious. You need to come clean with this before it rots and festers in your heart. I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him this. Tell him to not talk until you are done talking. You might want to use a "talking stick" and you can only talk if you are holding the stick.

My MC story is in my profile, and I've learned a lot more recently. Until you love yourself, everything else will slowly die. Your husband can help build you up, but cannot complete you.

If you don't love yourself and your own body (and are comfortable in that), your husbands love of those things will feel fake and a lie. You will have no pleasure in your husband celebrating your love and body if you don't feel like there is a reason anyone should ever love you / you don't love yourself.

I wish I could put more emphasis on this. This will slowly kill your marriage if not fixed now.


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

thanks, anx. I appreciate the words of advice. it sure isn't easy, though to like myself.  gotta book a long time ago that I'm going to dig out and consult again on this issue.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

anx said:


> THIS!!!!
> 
> Also you NEED to be truthful with your husband. I cannot stress this enough. You NEED to tell him you aren't interested in him. You also HAVE to tell him about your low self esteem, and get his help and support on this. DO NOT CONTINUE HIDING THIS FROM HIM! If you cannot do it yourself, do it with the help of a MC or pastor if you are still religious. You need to come clean with this before it rots and festers in your heart. I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him this. Tell him to not talk until you are done talking. You might want to use a "talking stick" and you can only talk if you are holding the stick.
> 
> ...


I agree with anx, except maybe the part about sitting your husband down and saying you aren't interested in him. I would think that could be devastating to a spouse.

anx, Why can't she just lay out the issues she is having with herself to her husband and the fact that it is impacting everything else in her life, including their love life, without just baldly stating to her DH she isn't interested in him?


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I've been the husband in something very similar to this. You need to open up 100% about this. Hiding any part of yourself thinking that if you tell him he won't accept you is the killer. Not telling her husband the truth and why is a dangerous slope. 

Read the book first. What is the book? I'm curious because I'm in a kind of similar situation.

IMHO, tell him you are unatracted to him and be truthful to him and yourself about your self esteem and its effect. You need to work TOGETHER to fix it. If he is unaware of the attraction or any part of this its only going to cause confusion and arguments. If he isn't aware of the unatraction (you lied directly to him about it) he is going to get angry during sex or the lack of it.

You need to open up completely and he needs to accept you completely. You need a way out of this self esteem issue. Figure out whats causing it, why, how to fix it. Be OPEN AND HONEST 100% not 95%.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

What is your husband's general level of frustration about all of this? What his rough order of magnitude expectations?


----------



## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

from my experience. everything I done, seen, read about, and heard about says that closeness and friendship is like a death sentence for a romantic relationship. How many "great guys" great husbands" and "great fathers" have been posted about on here by wives who dont want to have sex with them anymore???

whats the alternative? still playing the mysterious, badboy while you and your wife are married and living together???!!!

i guarantee if the husband caught wind of this and decided to leave the wife will start posting on here about how she realizes that she really does want her husband and that it was a mistake to let him leave.

knowing one true fact about the world...is that being in love is ENTIRELY dependent on sexual attraction. being a good wife turns a man on...so most women really have nothing to worry about. but doing things that most would consider the action of a "good hubby" dont really do anything for women in terms of sexual attraction. So id say that men still need to play the "game" with women. The tried and true method of being the c*cky, funny, jerky, aloof guy is still something a man needs to do when he gets married. be a man of action instead of words. be a man who when he slaps his wife on the a$$ she knows that he is saying " i love you" I like reading the posts of Mgirl because she seems to know that she still wants her man to be a alpha male even though she is married. So many men become the "nice guy" after they got married...and find themselves saying in whiny voice "but we are married...i thought shed want me no matter what". and who do women cheat on their nice guy husbands with???... the a$$hole at work treats her like a sl*t and throws her up against the wall in the seedy motel room. 
I dont see any situation where a wife doesn't want to have sex with...or wants to leave a man that is considered an alpha male.... but these women cant stand touching their beta hubbys
anyway, im done rambling


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I don't agree at all whammy. 

Love for parents, family, a child are all non-sexual. Love when your 110 or for a spouse that has been physically scared can still exist. 

Sex is absolutely important, but alpha/beta isn't the key to making a marriage work. It can be a part. These forums in particular focus on those qualities. 

In my view, love is a verb. Love is an action towards oneness. Love is doing the hard work to fix an issue when your spouse is stressed and treating you like garbage. Love is sacrificing yourself for another. Love is choosing to return to another after hurt inevitably comes into your life. 

Love places another persons wants above or on par with our own.


----------



## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

anx said:


> I don't agree at all whammy.
> 
> Love for parents, family, a child are all non-sexual. Love when your 110 or for a spouse that has been physically scared can still exist.
> 
> ...


your right. loving someone is a choice and you chose to be loving to your wife or husband or whatever. but being "in love" is not a choice. no one can control when they fall in love or fall our of love or who with. and yes I stand by the fact the being "in love" is one million percent dependent on sexual attraction. without sexual attraction none of the other qualities that a person loves about their spouse matters. 

and most of the women here that post about falling out of love with their husbands... those reasons are usually very similar. some sort of "weve become like best friends" "im tired of being like his mother" or something physical, usually regarding gaining weight or balding.


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

anx said:


> THIS!!!!
> 
> Also you NEED to be truthful with your husband. I cannot stress this enough. You NEED to tell him you aren't interested in him. You also HAVE to tell him about your low self esteem, and get his help and support on this. DO NOT CONTINUE HIDING THIS FROM HIM! If you cannot do it yourself, do it with the help of a MC or pastor if you are still religious. You need to come clean with this before it rots and festers in your heart. I suggest you sit your husband down and tell him this. Tell him to not talk until you are done talking. You might want to use a "talking stick" and you can only talk if you are holding the stick.
> 
> ...


This is exactly what killed mine...


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

@ 13th floor, is your story on these forums somewhere?

@ whammy again, I agree with you somewhat. "love" is a verb. "in love" is a feeling, but we do have some control over our feelings, thoughts, etc.

I went through anxiety and depression for a long time and the biggest problem I had was how critical I was of my self. Once I changed that and talked to myself better, the issue largely disappeared. Looking at your spouse and thinking "thats the person I dedicated myself to and want to honor and create and great marriage with" or "he/she hasn't done the dishes, doesn't care about my feelings, etc". One will slowly erode "in love" and one will slowly build it up. 

My story is in my profile, and we've recently had another BIG issue. My wife has treated my like garbage for the past 6 weeks. I am still very much "love" my wife and "in love" is still there. Its in a holding pattern waiting for my lovely, kind, friendly, great wife to return. 

I specifically am guarding myself from the thoughts, emotions, fears, anxiety, and depression that would be my piece of a "death spiral" that you'll hear people talk about (MEM does pretty often).


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

anx said:


> @ 13th floor, is your story on these forums somewhere?


Yea, check my first thread titled "My wife's emotional affair, my battle strategy."

It basically tells my story about how her not telling me any of her feelings of not being attracted to me led to her meeting an OM in a hotel room for 3 days while I was overseas. I even asked in the thread why didn't she just tell me what she was feeling. She let it bottle up for 2 years and here I am broken afterwards.

I made another thread afterwards with an update ("Update, the power of my 180,") and now she's crawling back like a scared puppy. The problem now is that since my 180, I'm so confident in myself now that I'm even questioning whether or not she's the woman for me. I need a woman who communicates...


----------



## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

I see that you lied so as not to hurt his feelings. I am wondering if that is what my husband is doing. Actions speak louder than words and he says he wants more but doesn't come and get it when I'm very willing. I'm afraid I might end up like Runs Like Dog. It's such a sad ending for the sex life of a vital woman like me. I'm still cute enough to get looks from very sexy men but can't do anything about it.  Sorry, /end talking about me

So one thing you mentioned was that counseling never went anywhere. I am a believer in counseling although like any profession, there will be good and bad counselors. Plus they'll have varying levels of skill and each will interact differently with you. Regardless of this situation, learning to like and love yourself is something that can bring you a lot of joy and happiness. I'd really recommend you try again - and if the counselor doesn't seem insightful enough to help you figure it out, keep "shopping" until you find a counselor that you think can help. Good luck.


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

Thanks, Roooth. Between you and the others here I've been thinking about the ways I've been dishonest with him. I have told him from time to time (usually when I'm super frustrated) that I'm bored, etc. 

But after anx's comments I'm pretty sure it's not my husband so much as me. I've been working on liking myself more. I know it'll take time. Too bad this stuff doesn't happen quickly.  Because I still don't feel like sex right now. 

I'm also trying to work on feeling sexy. Of course, it doesn't help when he doesn't find the same things sexy as I do.  Yes, we've talked and communicated on that. But it seems to be at a dead end. I'm not sure if I just go with what I think is sexy and he'll follow...or try to go with what he thinks is sexy.  I hope we figure it out.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> But after anx's comments I'm pretty sure it's not my husband so much as me. I've been working on liking myself more.


 Usually, its both people. Find what bugs you about your husband and talk to him about it. It does take a lot of time and communication isn't easy. 

Best of Luck


----------



## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Whatever the case, please DO let him know how you feel. If he doesn't take it seriously or put in 50% of the work to try to fix things, I bet you anything that him knowing you might leave will change his mind. Sometimes it takes tough love. If I had one wish in this world, it would have been for my wife to slap the **** out of me and walk out the door for not listening to her needs. I would have gotten the point, changed and I probably wouldn't be here right now.

But NO, instead of her communicating her feelings to me (fixing what was missing,) she slept with another man (got what was missing from him,) and destroyed our family. See... TELL HIM!


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I feel like I'm whining, but I'm angry with him this morning. I'm not one to think things through very well and the more I think about this stuff the more I see I am resenting him. It doesn't help that I don't like myself either. 

Last night was a good example. I was crabby. I said I was crabby. He asked why I was crabby. I told him (as I had throughout the day). A little later I'm feeling crabbier and I tell him and he asks me again why I'm crabby! Didn't he listen the first time? That made me mad. And the madder it made me the more I realized that he ignores me. I absolutely hate being ignored and he knows it! Because I've told him and told him and told him I hate being ignored. And I feel like when he does pay attention to me he's "appeasing the god so she won't be angry". That may not necessarily be true, but it feels that way. And then it confirms to me that I'm a loser all over again. 

This morning I was ready to walk out on him. I sort of did. He was going to take me to work, but I left him while he was still getting ready. He ignored me again this morning. He didn't say two words to me while he was getting ready. Nor has he called or emailed me. 

And to top it off he's never wrong in his head. I'm always the one who throws a fit and gets mad so therefore I'm the one who is making a big deal out of it and therefore I'm the one who is wrong. Once ever did he say he was wrong and mean it. We've been married over 11 years.

And how truthful should I be? Because I feel like saying some pretty mean stuff to him right now. But then maybe it's best to ignore him to since he hates fighting. 

I hope I made sense.


----------



## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Oh wow, this sounds like some of the stuff from my own story.

Being crabby doesn't make sense to a man. I don't think I've ever just been crabby without a reason to it. My wife gets crabby sometime and it really doesn't make ANY SENSE AT ALL TO ME. I ask why or what I can do (which is the right thing to do in my mind?) and she just gets more and more mad. Something wrong, shouldn't we talk about it and try to resolve it?



> This morning I was ready to walk out on him. I sort of did. He was going to take me to work, but I left him while he was still getting ready. He ignored me again this morning. He didn't say two words to me while he was getting ready. Nor has he called or emailed me.


 He doesn't know what to do either. When he tries to talk to you about why you are crabby, you get mad. If he doesn't talk, you are also mad. Or this is what he is telling himself. What is he supposted to do? Talk, not talk, only talk when spoken to? To a man NONE of this makes any sense.

He's mad too because of the crabby thing. He doesn't want to be disrespected and when he asks what is wrong you say you are just crabby for no reason. If he tries to talk more about it, you get more mad.

This isn't an answer, but hopefully a view into his mind.

What do you want him to do? If he leaves you alone and doesn't talk to you are you mad? If he talks to you about the crabby thing how will it go? What would his next move be if he was suddenly the perfect husband?



> And to top it off he's never wrong in his head. I'm always the one who throws a fit and gets mad so therefore I'm the one who is making a big deal out of it and therefore I'm the one who is wrong. Once ever did he say he was wrong and mean it. We've been married over 11 years.


 I've been there too. Nothing my wife said or did made any sense to me when she was going through this stuff like you. I don't see my self as wrong or disrespectful when asking why my wife is crabby or what I can do about it. She gets mad. I think to myself "wtf, I'm trying to be helpful and a good husband" and then later she comes back to me and tells me it was my fault she was mad and I should have know to leave her alone. How should I have know that?

Or I find out months or years later in MC what I did and why that was wrong. There wasn't a mechanism that my wife would tell me what was wrong, why, and how to do it better next time. Men's brains work like that. I need a PLAN. I need what happened to be outlined and understood and analized to be fixed.



> And how truthful should I be? Because I feel like saying some pretty mean stuff to him right now. But then maybe it's best to ignore him to since he hates fighting.


 the 100% open and honest truth. Don't be mean, but he doesn't know what he is doing wrong or why. I think you guys probably need to get into marriage counseling or you into individual counseling unless you can find a way to diffuse and get past this yourself SOON.

Its hard and you guys sound like you built up habits towards the other person. When you act certain ways, the other person reacts a certain way. If those aren't working and just continuing to drive you nuts, you either need to communicate that so they change and get fixed, and if its not possible to do that alone, get in counseling.

My MC story is in my profile if you haven't read it. Much of what you are saying is similar to my own story.

The other thing I would say is your husband sounds like a pretty normal guy in terms of his reactions. Figure this out with him. Don't be temped by some guy with an open ear who just wants to listen and "understands" you. Its really easy to make someone feel listened to and important when you have no connection to the situation. A few "you so right", "I get why you feel that way", and "you husband just doesn't understand you" are easy to say and start and emotional affair. I'm not saying you are going to do that, just realize that the situation is primed for it. All of the understanding erodes once a serious relationship starts (or visa versa for a man- the steaks and BJs stop).

This is going to be hard. You are pretty stuck where you are at with no clear way out. Find that way out. Either communication that is OPEN and HONEST and/or counseling.

You aren't crazy, but a few more years headed down the same path and you will be pretty close to it.

Best of Luck.


----------



## orangyred (May 6, 2011)

I don't think I ever said thanks for your advice, anx. I just read it again. Thanks for the insight to the man's side of it all. I've been trying really hard to understand his side...and not be a jerk.  And we've talked about some of the stuff that's bugging both of us. Things have been better, but sometimes I feel like I'm back tracking. I'm trying...really.


----------

