# Advice on dating



## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

I was not sure how else to word the title, but I basically want to test the waters in terms of dating as I realise that I have never really explored meeting different types of men to the type I have always ended up in a relationship with.

Following a recent unexpected reconciliation and subsequent break-up with an ex, I am reevaluating what I want in a partner and I feel that I have to put myself out there and just date. I have no interest at the moment in getting into a relationship or sleeping with someone, but reading on this site, it seems that you may have to meet 100 or more people before actually meeting a potential partner. I am basically open to meeting and even dating people I would have never considered before and therefore really want to take my time and not jump into anything. My heart is still recovering from the recent break-up but given the short duration of the reconciliation, I feel that I will bounce back pretty quickly.

So my question is whether I should be upfront with my first few dates that I am just testing the water but not looking for a serious relationship at the moment? Or am I being dishonest by dating at all when I am not yet entirely open to falling in love? I could, however, enjoy someone's company and perhaps take it slowly, I have no idea yet. I DO want to meet someone eventually and I am working on my healing with self-care, meditation and talking to a therapist. 

Any advice/tips/comments very gratefully received!

Kind regards,

A.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

After my break-up (awhile back) I sure was not ready in my emotional mind to be dating anyone seriously and I knew this but I also did want to get out and meet people so I had the frame of mind that I would just enjoy the company of the man I went out with and just get to know them. One of the questions that comes up normally in getting to know one another initially seems to be "what you are looking for." I dated some men looking for a wife and they were adamant about it, those I didn't see again. There were several that showed interest in me but because I really wasn't wanting to get into anything beyond friends, if you will, I would not continue to see them. I liked one of guys, we had a few common interests but he was pushing the physical aspect. I told him I really want to get to know him and I wanted him to get to know me and asked him to lay back on the physical. He agreed, we went out on a few more dates but he kept pushing. 

So yes, be honest but at the same time enjoy your time with these dates. Get to know them. I think we spend too little time getting to know one another before we jump into something more serious. you might be surprised what you might find if you adjust your thought process and just look at enjoying the company of your date. Don't be discouraged as you are probably still working thru some issues, that's okay. I think the exposure to the different men could be very beneficial to moving on and healing.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If you want the best, you have to be the best.
To catch the best fish, use the best bait.
It's that simple. 
We tend to get selfish when dating. Not a good idea.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It's a good idea to develop some interests and meet people, including eligible men, that way.

While I liked dating when I was single, the "what are you looking for" question is a minefield. Are guys trying to figure out how vulnerable you are or are they as serious as they say they are?

I wasted 2 years with a guy who talked marriage but I believe he was just looking for a constant companion and a beard. The signs that a guy wants to get married is that he makes ever more progressive offers to take care of you; provide for you. since I've been married twice, I know what it looks like. A guy who constantly makes offers to spend more time with you but at your risk /cost, is trying to string you out. A lot of women might think that a guy who wants to live with them is in love, despite the fact that the guy puts himself in the risk free position of not having to pay the rent / mortgage.

One piece of advice when it comes to men, time spent with them and sex, is to accept that they listen to your behavior and not to your words.



> I told him I really want to get to know him and I wanted him to get to know me and asked him to lay back on the physical. He agreed, we went out on a few more dates but he kept pushing.


She told him she was not interested in having sex with him but still accepted dates from him. Just a reminder that while we women believe that we have formed a contract with our words, men believe that the contract is formed with your actions. If a guy is pushing you for sex and you are not ready, then stop seeing him one on one.

I guess I sympathise with men who are caught up with women who "want to take it slowly" or who "are not looking for anything serious right now." My husband was caught up with one of those types when I met him and she went into overdrive trying to convince him that she was now serious when she found out about me. I believe that there are a fair few women out there who want to keep a guy around for the attention and for his ability to close the bar tabs for her and her friends. So, I've made it my crusade to suggest to other women to avoid -- even unwittingly-- taking on that role.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Irishgal said:


> So my question is whether I should be upfront with my first few dates that I am just testing the water but not looking for a serious relationship at the moment? Or am I being dishonest by dating at all when I am not yet entirely open to falling in love? I could, however, enjoy someone's company and perhaps take it slowly, I have no idea yet. I DO want to meet someone eventually and I am working on my healing with self-care, meditation and talking to a therapist.
> 
> Any advice/tips/comments very gratefully received!
> 
> ...


Just throwing this out there. Be honest about your situation but be aware that many men will interpret "not looking for anything serious" as looking for NSA sex. Make sure that you are clearly communicating your intentions so that there are no misunderstandings.


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## Woolyjumpers (Apr 16, 2019)

I don't personally see the point of dating before you are ready to date. 

It's like looking round houses you don't want to rent or buy. What's the point?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Lila said:


> Just throwing this out there. Be honest about your situation but be aware that many men will interpret "*not looking for anything serious*" as looking for NSA sex. Make sure that you are clearly communicating your intentions so that there are no misunderstandings.



Guy here 100% agree don’t use this terminology. It seems like all you’re looking for is hooking up.

Instead I recommend just talking about you and your interests in your profile. As men contact you they will ask what you’re looking for that’s the time to spell it out. Your looking to meet people but not looking to NSA sex or marriage but willing to see what happens. Plenty will try to change your mind from there lol but absolutely nothing wrong with just dating and meeting people.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think you need to wait till you are more emotionally ready. In the meantime, just go out and enjoy things. Hobbies, classes, meet up groups, interests etc. Just make friends and when you are ready, be more proactive about dating. 
For me it was 4 years before I was in any way ready to think of dating again, but that was after a 23 year marriage. 

Must admit that thought about having to date 100 men to find the one was pretty depressing. I am almost sure that I wouldn't be able to even find 100 men who I would be interested in dating.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Over the 8 years that I was first divorced and then met my husband, I dated considerably fewer men than 100. More like 8 or 9.

Hyperbole is not helpful in this context.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am not sure that my experience is going to help you at all. I had been married for over 20 years and was just one toenail back into the dating pool. I met my husband within the first couple dates. I probably needed some coaching, but didn’t even know this place existed! Lol. 

When H asked what I was looking for, I straight up said that I was looking to get married again. (Unbeknownst to me, he had no interest in getting married). We hit it off to an epic level, and that only grew over time, and we were married less than a year later. Ultimately, I was just myself, and painfully honest. He found the bold honesty refreshing, after so many years of playing the dating game.

I cringe now thinking about all the things I said and did that people on here say never to do...but I’m happily married still years later, in spite of myself!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Spicy said:


> I am not sure that my experience is going to help you at all. I had been married for over 20 years and was just one toenail back into the dating pool. I met my husband within the first couple dates. I probably needed some coaching, but didn’t even know this place existed! Lol.
> 
> When H asked what I was looking for, I straight up said that I was looking to get married again. (Unbeknownst to me, he had no interest in getting married). We hit it off to an epic level, and that only grew over time, and we were married less than a year later. Ultimately, I was just myself, and painfully honest. He found the bold honesty refreshing, after so many years of playing the dating game.
> 
> I cringe now thinking about all the things I said and did that people on here say never to do...but I’m happily married still years later, in spite of myself!


Honesty is always the best policy. When my now husband and I first had contact, it was established almost straight away that we both wanted to marry again, and that we weren't interested in casual dating or just dating for the sake of it. Married 9 months later. If a man was put off by me wanting to marry again, then he wasn't the man for me.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Honesty is always the best policy. When my now husband and I first had contact, it was established almost straight away that we both wanted to marry again, and that we weren't interested in casual dating or just dating for the sake of it. Married 9 months later. If a man was put off by me wanting to marry again, then he wasn't the man for me.


This is exactly the way I felt. What was to be gained by saying what is more likely what they want to hear? At 40 we both knew what we were looking for in a mate. He just had never understood what the big deal was about a “piece of paper”. He learned from me and I learned from him. He quickly began to understand the difference a marriage would make (he had never been married). 

I’m sure my profile even said that I was looking for a commitment. I had zero interest in casual dating. Never have, never will. Just ew. Not for me. I’m a wife, it’s how I was made. If a guy didn’t want to hear that, I didn’t want to date him anyway!


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## RubyRing (Jun 13, 2016)

It seems to me, that you are ready to socialize, but not date. I would suggest you join meet up groups at meeuptcom.com and check out groups based on your interests. You seem to not want " anything serious" nor casual hook ups so why date at all ? By going on meet up outings you can hang out in groups, participating in activities you enjoy, without raising expectations of romance or intimacy. Personally, I don't see the point of dating if you aren't looking for a relationship. To me, that is like wanting to go on job interviews to meet employers and see what jobs are out there, but not actually wanting to go to work.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> I cringe now thinking about all the things I said and did that people on here say never to do...but I’m happily married still years later, in spite of myself!


Omg I had to laugh at this!! Same here!! When my now husband and I had been on only a handful of dates, we were sitting chatting after dinner and I looked him dead in the eye and said "So, what's wrong with you?" He replied "What? What do you mean?" I said "You're too good to be true". I then asked him what the clanger/big secret was that I was eventually going to find out. :rofl:

Yes, I actually said that. I still can't believe it pmsl. We laugh about it now luckily.

OP, I too am not a fan of dating when you're not ready, I don't think it's fair to those you are dating. However, I can also see what others are saying, especially when online dating. In the initial email with someone, if you make it clear that you're just looking to take baby steps back to the dating world, and don't want anything serious or nsa sex, then if the bloke wants to continue to meeting you, then he's fully aware of what he's taking on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Having a dating profile is very important. Any suitor must check off your needs, as much as possible.
Nobody will be a perfect match.

Of course, these dating experiences require honesty. A person may say they like and agree with your wants and needs, but may be less than honest.

If one of your needs is that any future partner must be flexible, this is a wish. Someone cannot be flexible is they are not...that.


A person that meets most of your needs eliminates many conflicts that might arise later on.

The next big hurdle is chemistry.

If you are mostly compatible with respect to: likes, dislikes, activities, hobbies, politics, religion, travel, dining, food and alcohol, tobacco use, you are miles ahead in the game.

While chemistry may take you into intimate territory, it is the similar compatibles that keep you in a relationship. This is such an important concept.
You cannot get close to someone and expect them to change to your way of thinking.

They must be mostly on the same page from day one.





[THM]- Lilith McGarvey


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## maryfrost (May 27, 2019)

Irishgal said:


> I was not sure how else to word the title, but I basically want to test the waters in terms of dating as I realise that I have never really explored meeting different types of men to the type I have always ended up in a relationship with.
> 
> Following a recent unexpected reconciliation and subsequent break-up with an ex, I am reevaluating what I want in a partner and I feel that I have to put myself out there and just date. I have no interest at the moment in getting into a relationship or sleeping with someone, but reading on this site, it seems that you may have to meet 100 or more people before actually meeting a potential partner. I am basically open to meeting and even dating people I would have never considered before and therefore really want to take my time and not jump into anything. My heart is still recovering from the recent break-up but given the short duration of the reconciliation, I feel that I will bounce back pretty quickly.
> 
> ...


I think that there is no need to express that feeling in front of the person who you will date simply because everything is possible. I understand that at the moment you are not open for a new serious relationship, but you are consent that you have to go on and you have to start from somewhere. Therefore, it is not a good start to date with someone and to tell that you are not looking for anything serious. It never comes to be serious in the beginning. Just don't think about this and let the things to happen spontaneously. Who knows, maybe you will meet the right person sooner than you expect. So, I encourage you to try online dating because you cannot lose anything, but there is much that you can gain. I am sure that you will feel much better once you start dating someone. I wish you good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You want me to tell you what makes you good at dating?

Dating.

Lots of people get utterly tangled up in knots about the concept of dating. Don't.

Treat it like ANY other skill you would try to acquire. Read about it, watch Youtube videos, ask friends ... and do it.

You owe nothing to anyone while you are dating. Except yourself. If you can't clearly articulate to yourself what your dating goals are, then as others have said, you probably have some work to do.

My first goals with dating were simply to get comfortable talking to people (women) again. Wasn't sex. Wasn't romance. I by no means was looking for my soulmate. I really enjoyed dating. Met my wife dating. Wasn't looking for a wife while dating. 

If you perceive starting dating as a quest to find 'the one' ... my 2 cents is that you are way off base. If you attach easily or have your feelings hurt easily by rejection, dating will likely be rough ... but probably all the more reason that you should do it.

You don't owe anyone your rationale, reasoning, or life story if you are meeting for coffee, or ice cream, or a drink.


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## Irishgal (Feb 23, 2016)

So, after thinking I would have to date 100 people to find someone I would like and vice versa, I am now seeing the first guy I met as we both liked each other and I wasn't interested in seeing others after our third date. It is still early days and I am very conscious of approaching any potential issues in a calm, respectful manner, as I have always tended to rug sweep before and then things just built up. I am sure to be posting here soon as this develops haha!

Many thanks for your comments.


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