# Men's "Hero instinct?"



## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

What is you all's opinions on this?

I've seen it all over the internet and was just curious to see if it's BS or if there is something to it. I'm a HIGHLY independent person and this kinda resonated with me. Maybe I'm actually getting in my own way? 

****And please, lets just keep this to the topic of whether or not this "hero instinct" is valid versus looking through my history and telling me I don't need to be dating. This IS (yet another) part of my soul searching. Thanks. :grin2:


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Hero instinct is definitely part of us. It mostly relates to the opinion of our wives, but carries into "rescuing".


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I was in a bar in London one night and there was a few off duty soldiers there and they were fairly drunk. While I was standing at the bar one of them slapped a girl on the ass and laughed loudly towards his friends. I was about to remonstrate with him when she punched him into the face,I actually heard his nose snap and he fell on the ground. 
Then he started crying. 
That girl didn?t need any hero,she could look after herself.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I think TJW made a good point. In that sometimes being a hero is twisted into being a rescuer or the white knight that rides to the rescue of the damsel in distress. There is nothing inherently wrong with helping another, but when it comes with the expectation of some sort of reciprocity it can become abusive.

But simply being a hero and doing the right thing is something that we should all strive for. I am saddened by people who just give up or choose to be an ersatz hero thru video games, sports or even work.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Being a hero-
What else 'worthwhile' is there to live for.

I know, taking care of your' wife and children should be at the top of your' list.

But, staring at that short list can make it blur out of sight....at times.

Work, home life, work, home life, pastimes......

These get old.

Letting the 'hero' fantasizing loom large.

For me, anyways.

Martians can wear an apron....but they are always looking out the window.
The small window of their house, the huge window in their mind.

Out is really in.
Inviolate.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

GA I asked my single brother this question since he is here visiting with his kid. Now granted we are a different demographic (African American) where the script appears to be flipped accordi vv to what TAM men say. Just about every black man I know that's half way decent looking with a half way decent job can get any woman he wants. It's the women I know and some attractive ones too, who can't find a decent man.

All that being said my brother says he LOVES independent women who are go-getters and don't look to a man to do things for them but would rather figure out how to do things for themselves. He says it actually adds to their sex appeal.

Actually I think my husband feels the same way but since I'm not really like that I won't ask. 
.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The instinct to rescue a damsel in distress is strong in some men including myself. In my own thread I was constantly told I was a knight in shining armor towards my ex fiancée, and not as a compliment lol. 
The hero part can be compared to the ?nice guy? who does things for a woman so that she may sleep with him but in reality while these guys would like to think that they would be a hero in certain situations the likelihood is that they would do nothing to put themselves in any danger.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> The instinct to rescue a damsel in distress is strong in some men including myself. In my own thread I was constantly told I was a knight in shining armor towards my ex fiancée, and not as a compliment lol.
> The hero part can be compared to the ?nice guy? who does things for a woman so that she may sleep with him but in reality while these guys would like to think that they would be a hero in certain situations the likelihood is that they would do nothing to put themselves in any danger.


Andy how do you view this in light of GA heart thinking it might be shooting herself in the foot that she is independent as far as getting in a good relationship?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't think it is self-destructive for her to be independent. We want to be respected and admired. As long as a woman provides this for us, we'll be happy. We don't have to be the sole breadwinner, the rescuer, the fire extinguisher. We tend to try "rescuing" and "nice guy" when we feel rejected.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

thefam said:


> Andy how do you view this in light of GA heart thinking it might be shooting herself in the foot that she is independent as far as getting in a good relationship?


I was wondering what the question was, thank you.
Having a well developed "hero instinct" I couldn't pass this question up. Men actually codify this behavior. ie. "and so far as in my power lies, I will be unselfish in the service of others" , "to help other people at all times", or the more familiar, "do a good turn daily". I know a large number of men who subscribe to these promises, it is as natural as breathing to them. BUT, this has no bearing on how they view independent, competent, leading women. In general they like and respect these women. A hero does not need a damsel in distress, he needs a home base that he can rely on. 

Now from time to time you will run into an individual, Male or Female, who wouldn't let you park behind them with your emergency flashers on while they change their own tire. This is not independence, this is pig-headed-ness. That is so off putting (actually deliberately pushing others away), that they have few friends.

A short story about one of the few Real cowboys I've known. He had been seriously courting a bright young woman who was significantly more experiences than him (Him 19 her 25). He was replacing the head gasket on his little Chevy pickup, and she came over to help. You know that it is usually an excuse to spend time together, and have something interesting to look at as a side bonus. At some point during the reassembly he sent her into the apartment to fetch the thermostat. She came in and asked us (roommates) which part was the thermostat. When we handed it to her, she didn't believe us, because as you may know it doesn't look like anything used to measure temperature. We had to explain to her how it worked before she agreed to take it out, because being the very smart person she was She didn't want him to think she could be tricked. He valued her knowledge and independence, and she wasn't afraid to show it to him. BTW they are still together.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> llBUT, this has no bearing on how they view independent, competent, leading women. In general they like and respect these women. A hero does not need a damsel in distress, he needs a home base that he can rely on.


Oh ok this makes sense.

GA you honestly come off as such a nice person that I think any man would be blessed to have you in his life. I hope you find someone who truly appreciates you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

As with all personality things, I think there is a lot of variation. 

I do have a "hero instinct" in that I feel a strong desire to help women who are in some difficulty. For me this is completely different from wanting a relationship with a woman who needs help - I much prefer an equal relationship.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Yes, I'm sure there are a lot of Captain Save-a-Hoes out there.


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## GatorXP (Oct 1, 2017)

GA HEART said:


> What is you all's opinions on this?
> 
> I've seen it all over the internet and was just curious to see if it's BS or if there is something to it. I'm a HIGHLY independent person and this kinda resonated with me. Maybe I'm actually getting in my own way?
> 
> ****And please, lets just keep this to the topic of whether or not this "hero instinct" is valid versus looking through my history and telling me I don't need to be dating. This IS (yet another) part of my soul searching. Thanks. :grin2:


Somebody is going to need to come up with some evidence before I'm a convinced. Seems to me is more like a cultural belief left over from earlier times...ingrained more deeply in some than others. 

Sent from my SM-G935V using Tapatalk


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

It's a thing, men have an instinct to be heroic at times. It seems that many women have a desire for a hero and many men have a desire to be a hero so it works out.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I don't need a man to rescue me. I need a man I can depend on who is strong and capable of defending and taking care of me, if I need him to. By "hero instinct", I understand this to mean that he is naturally incline to do those things for me. Not just sitting like a log or his head in fog that he can't realize his woman needs him. My H has this tendency of asking, "you good there, love?", this is his way of checking in with me to make sure I am aware he is there if I need him. I like that, it reassures me of his presence and aid.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I'm still not sure what "Hero Instinct" even is? How does it differ from White Knight, or chivalry, or protective?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Lila said:


> I'm still not sure what "Hero Instinct" even is? How does it differ from White Knight, or chivalry, or protective?


Maybe that's the point. Perhaps people are using the term 'Hero Instinct' because it sounds better than White Knight. My guess is it's probably the same thing.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

toblerone said:


> Maybe that's the point. Perhaps people are using the term 'Hero Instinct' because it sounds better than White Knight. My guess is it's probably the same thing.


That's what I was thinking as well.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

All good insights, thank you!

Facebook algorithms have a way of reminding me that I am single, and they are constantly throwing the "HOW TO CALL YOUR DREAM MAN TO YOU" bullsh*te in my face. I fall for it sometimes, of course. LOL! Quite a few of the articles wish for me to pay them to tell me how to "catch a man" (as if.) But a lot of them talk about secrets of triggering a man's "hero instinct." And how that makes you irresistible, blah, blah. Something as simple as having them open a jar with a too tight lid, for example.

It's no secret on TAM that I've been in disastrous relationships with narcissists and abusers. I'm a "helper," an empath, by nature. But having gone through all the crap, I've also learned that there is only one I can count on. ME. I pay my bills, I stand my ground, I raise my kids, I do what I want. All ME. If the car breaks down.....me. Grass needs cut? Me. Drier belt breaks? Me (And YouTube. LOL!) In my last relationship, most everything was me even though I "had a man" because he didn't want to do anything to help me. In my marriage (aside from being monetary provider,) it was much the same.

So I've dated some in the past 8 months. Some men want to do EVERYTHING for me, which is a turn off. It's nice. It's kind. But it's almost insulting. I've done so much on my own for so long (divorce is when it started.....7 years ago.) It's HARD to let a man come in and do. I allowed one to fix my leaky toilet the other week. That was seriously one of the hardest times I've ever bitten my tongue. It was so easy, simple, I've done it before......but because of silly FB articles, I allowed him to do it for me. LOL! Such a simple thing, but it's caused me to really look into this hero instinct. Although it's more about what I'm doing to potentially push good men away. Since all I've ever had was jerks. Ha!

Dunno. Just wanted to get you all's advice. TAM has served me so well over the years. <3


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've always looked at my H as a "white knight" sorta thing since I was somewhat of a damsel when we met, bad family life, I was 15, wanted out of there.. he was there for me in every way, and whisked me to a better life.... I often see this put down like a man should never give the time of day to a woman in need, look the other way, she will just suck you dry or something....

I have also depended mostly on his income for raising our larger family ..... though temperament wise, I've always been more dominate over him in personality ... and do take charge over most things concerning our family/ and finances, less for him to worry himself about, he's good with that and appreciates all I do.....

*Emotionally speaking*, if I was so independent that I didn't need (or should I say "want" as need seems to be a bad word) him around or care if he was there for me , I feel this would bother him... I think the term "Independence" is bragged on a little too much these days.... sure we should be responsible for ourselves, not be a leech, do our parts...be a helpmate so the "2 can become one" without the other feeling like they are being beaten down, or doing it ALL, this would lead to resentment for anyone.... 

Maybe it is just me... but I often get this vibe when people speak how independent they are, that they are someone who just doesn't need (or care) if they have someone in their lives, I wouldn't see them in a romantic light...but someone who just wants to do their own thing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

thefam said:


> Andy how do you view this in light of GA heart thinking it might be shooting herself in the foot that she is independent as far as getting in a good relationship?


To me there is nothing more attractive in a woman than confidence.Of course there is a fine line between a confident,independent woman and a loud mouth ball breaker.
Let me use this as an example.In my dating days it was fairly common for a woman to approach me and ask me would I like to have a drink or just hook up with her friend.I would never be interested in the friend but would always try and start a conversation with the woman who approached me.I felt if she was confident enough to ask a total stranger to hook up with her friend then she must be worth knowing.
Shallow maybe but true.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

@GA HEART, thanks for clarifying what "hero instinct" means with your last post. If I'm understanding it correctly, you're asking if men have an instinctual need to help women. I think this all depends on how they were raised (culturally) and how they view male/female dynamics. 

In my experience, men raised in more traditional environments are more likely to have hero instincts (as you described above). They were raised to believe it's their responsibility to take on "manly" tasks, do the heavy manual labor, protect, even provide. These are deeply ingrained beliefs. Allowing these men to express themselves that way provides validation in a sense.

I don't see hero instinct as much in men raised in less traditional relationships. I think the urge to protect is still there but there is no "instinct" to take on the manly tasks, or providing, or any of the other traditional roles. 

My husband and I share a strange type of relationship dynamic where it's not traditional but not "modern" either. We share aspects of both and I too am an independent woman (who can take care of herself). On more than one occasion, I've had to remind myself to just "let him do it". Even when it's something as silly as bringing in the groceries from the car, or hanging a picture frame, or opening up the car door, or moving something heavy, or investigating a strange sound in the middle of the night, or God forbid killing a roach/spider (he hates, hates, hates roaches). It validates his values. 

I think you need to identify the kind of relationship dynamic you wish to have and then find men who share those values.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Lila said:


> @GA HEART, thanks for clarifying what "hero instinct" means with your last post. If I'm understanding it correctly, you're asking if men have an instinctual need to help women. I think this all depends on how they were raised (culturally) and how they view male/female dynamics.
> 
> *In my experience, men raised in more traditional environments are more likely to have hero instincts (as you described above). They were raised to believe it's their responsibility to take on "manly" tasks, do the heavy manual labor, protect, even provide. These are deeply ingrained beliefs. Allowing these men to express themselves that way provides validation in a sense.*


 This is very true of my husband.. very traditional male...I do love this about him...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> What is you all's opinions on this?
> 
> I've seen it all over the internet and was just curious to see if it's BS or if there is something to it. I'm a HIGHLY independent person and this kinda resonated with me. Maybe I'm actually getting in my own way?
> 
> ****And please, lets just keep this to the topic of whether or not this "hero instinct" is valid versus looking through my history and telling me I don't need to be dating. This IS (yet another) part of my soul searching. Thanks. :grin2:


It definitely exists but I am not sure it's a good thing. It's kind of like the Disney princess thing for women. It's interesting how much 20 and 21st century media has influenced us as a culture. I also don't think it is applicable to the current dynamic of the sexes. 

Personally I try really hard to be my wife's partner. It's nice to be her hero sometimes. And I think I have been, but most of the times it's more important to be her partner. I hope she sees me more as her partner and less as prince charming or her hero. I think I can be an excellent partner to her almost all of the time, it's hard to be a myth or a hero. I am just a guy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

sokillme said:


> Personally I try really hard to be my wife's partner. It's nice to be her hero sometimes. And I think I have been, but most of the times it's more important to be her partner. I hope she sees me more as her partner and less as prince charming or her hero. I think I can be an excellent partner to her almost all of the time, it's hard to be a myth or a hero. I am just a guy.



I remember once when my ex-husband and I were in our first round of marriage counseling. At the counselor's prompting, I was attempting to describe that I often felt that my then-husband didn't care about me and wasn't interested in being a partner to me within the relationship. My husband cut me off to vehemently insist that couldn't be true. He'd "willingly take a bullet" for me! Our (male) therapist, just looked at him and said, "She doesn't need you to take a bullet for her. She needs you to listen when she talks, empty the dishwasher like you said you would, and get up with the baby once in a while like you promised."

With rare exception, I didn't need a hero. I needed a guy who was willing to be a functional partner to me in tackling our real life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rowan said:


> I remember once when my ex-husband and I were in our first round of marriage counseling. At the counselor's prompting, I was attempting to describe that I often felt that my then-husband didn't care about me and wasn't interested in being a partner to me within the relationship. My husband cut me off to vehemently insist that couldn't be true. He'd "willingly take a bullet" for me! Our (male) therapist, just looked at him and said, "She doesn't need you to take a bullet for her. She needs you to listen when she talks, empty the dishwasher like you said you would, and get up with the baby once in a while like you promised."
> 
> With rare exception, I didn't need a hero. I needed a guy who was willing to be a functional partner to me in tackling our real life.


Yep. My wife already had a condo when I met her. She was quite competent. Besides that it's very hard to take when your hero proves to be human. When your partner or teammate proves to be human that is when you step it up for the good of the team.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I don't think it is instinct with everyone.

I also don't think it is gender exclusive.

A whole lot of women have tried to rescue pretty crappy men. Probably misguided heroism?

In general though, the instinct to stand up to wrong and actively endanger yourself to save others isn't found everywhere and is found in many women as well.

Some have it, some don't. Some learn and some won't.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. Being heroic is attractive though. Mrs. C really loved that I stood up for her and I have had more than one woman offer to date me after saving them from whatever situation was plaguing them.

Fixed a stranded woman's car and she immediately hugged and kissed me. Protected another from rogue dogs and got invited to her house for dinner.

I have to say that the women that have come through for me in my life seem pretty damn attractive to me as well.😉


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## shady bob (Oct 12, 2017)

*Re: Men's "Hero instinct?" toward EX GIRLFRIENDS though?*

I have a great loving guy- new but getting serious relationship- who I found out has a crazy ex in the picture calling all hours of the night with issues. I was wondering who was texting late nights last few months. He doesn't answer, not when Im there anyway and Im there 3/4 of the time Its the ex. This past weekend, it was 2 am then 7am-FROM JAIL! He says he cares for her and tried to help her in the past. This is crossing the line and he agrees. Is there a such thing as a co- dependent ex relationship? It seems to still be going on. She lives in another state and has had drug abuse issues etc... 
Im very uncomfortable now the more I think about it. He acts like he wants a life with me- but not if the ex is around. He says she won't stop calling. He says he blocks her and she calls from other numbers. He steps in when his other female friends are in "distress" also. Fine, I am not one of those women who are often distressed so ? DO guys really desire that level of heroism toward females? DO they not respect women who can handle themselves? Im perplexed and distraught at this point


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Men's "Hero instinct?" toward EX GIRLFRIENDS though?*



shady bob said:


> I have a great loving guy- new but getting serious relationship- who I found out has a crazy ex in the picture calling all hours of the night with issues. I was wondering who was texting late nights last few months. He doesn't answer, not when Im there anyway and Im there 3/4 of the time Its the ex. This past weekend, it was 2 am then 7am-FROM JAIL! He says he cares for her and tried to help her in the past. This is crossing the line and he agrees. Is there a such thing as a co- dependent ex relationship? It seems to still be going on. She lives in another state and has had drug abuse issues etc...
> Im very uncomfortable now the more I think about it. He acts like he wants a life with me- but not if the ex is around. He says she won't stop calling. He says he blocks her and she calls from other numbers. He steps in when his other female friends are in "distress" also. Fine, I am not one of those women who are often distressed so ? *DO guys really desire that level of heroism toward females? DO they not respect women who can handle themselves? *Im perplexed and distraught at this point


Heroism is a form of validation. Some men need more of it than others. Your guy seems to need A LOT of it. He's not going to change because you ask him to. Decide if this character trait is something you can live with. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

*Re: Men's "Hero instinct?" toward EX GIRLFRIENDS though?*



shady bob said:


> I have a great loving guy- new but getting serious relationship- who I found out has a crazy ex in the picture calling all hours of the night with issues. I was wondering who was texting late nights last few months. He doesn't answer, not when Im there anyway and Im there 3/4 of the time Its the ex. This past weekend, it was 2 am then 7am-FROM JAIL! He says he cares for her and tried to help her in the past. This is crossing the line and he agrees. Is there a such thing as a co- dependent ex relationship? It seems to still be going on. She lives in another state and has had drug abuse issues etc...
> Im very uncomfortable now the more I think about it. He acts like he wants a life with me- but not if the ex is around. He says she won't stop calling. He says he blocks her and she calls from other numbers. He steps in when his other female friends are in "distress" also. Fine, I am not one of those women who are often distressed so ? DO guys really desire that level of heroism toward females? DO they not respect women who can handle themselves? Im perplexed and distraught at this point


You will always be one of a crowd of girls that this guy sees as damsels in distress,you may even make the top spot but unless you put a stop to his white knight role fairly sharply then you will always be one of many,never the sole beneficiary of his heroism.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Men's "Hero instinct?" toward EX GIRLFRIENDS though?*

It gets complicated.

I would have a very difficult time turning down a woman I knew who needed help, but that doesn't mean that I *want* to help her. Imagine you see a kitten playing in the street. You may not *want* to help it - its suddenly this big responsibility, but you feel you can't just leave it there to get run over either.

That said, spending lots of effort on an ex is worrisome. OTOOH long ago my future wife dumped me in a really bad way. But later when she called me for help, I helped her. 




shady bob said:


> I have a great loving guy- new but getting serious relationship- who I found out has a crazy ex in the picture calling all hours of the night with issues. I was wondering who was texting late nights last few months. He doesn't answer, not when Im there anyway and Im there 3/4 of the time Its the ex. This past weekend, it was 2 am then 7am-FROM JAIL! He says he cares for her and tried to help her in the past. This is crossing the line and he agrees. Is there a such thing as a co- dependent ex relationship? It seems to still be going on. She lives in another state and has had drug abuse issues etc...
> Im very uncomfortable now the more I think about it. He acts like he wants a life with me- but not if the ex is around. He says she won't stop calling. He says he blocks her and she calls from other numbers. He steps in when his other female friends are in "distress" also. Fine, I am not one of those women who are often distressed so ? DO guys really desire that level of heroism toward females? DO they not respect women who can handle themselves? Im perplexed and distraught at this point


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

My husband has a Hero Instinct, and every time it comes out I blush down to my toes and swoon. He told me yesterday over a picnic lunch that I was very much his type, and he'd always wanted a small and vulnerable woman to take care of. I melted. I nearly died. I could have kissed his face off.

I don't get why modern women don't like white knights. White knights are amazing. It's a woman's instinct to look for a protector.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Elle, perhaps if I haven't been deeply hurt by every man I ever trusted, I would too.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

GA HEART said:


> Elle, perhaps if I haven't been deeply hurt by every man I ever trusted, I would too.


I'm deeply sorry for your pain. I don't really know what to say...


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

No worries! Lol! I'm truly happy for those who don't know what it's like, being hurt time and time again. Bad choices, sure. Some of us just have bad luck too, I think. I soul search and go to counselors and live a happy life. And still make bad choices. It is what it is.


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## Lafalala (Apr 26, 2020)

All you have to do is pay attention to men..: they are 50% of the population!

i would say yes this instinct to serve and protect be a hero etc ispresent much stronger in men and most men have it quite a lot.... not all but most men.

There is nothing more seductive to a man than a vulnerable woman, I know because that is when I get men falling in love with me.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Here we are again... zombie thread 2.5 years old...


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