# Alright, first time poster. Need some advice



## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Alright, so I just found this site and hopefully it can give me some insight...

I am 35 years old, employed, and have been married for about 5 years now to an incredible woman. Without this girl in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I thank God every day for her. But I have to say, she can be a chore sometimes. Now, she's not a bad wife at all. She doesn't nag me every day, she's always goofy as hell, likes to have some beers. Overall, a good person. But there are a couple of things that I just can't stand and don't know how much longer I can take..

My wife is from a country in Central America. She's a latina. Ever since she moved here, she has picked some fight, complained about something every 6-9 months. Now, I have done my absolute best to please this woman, because I know what she gave up to be here. I invest in the little things in a relationship, as I think they are some of the most important things to have in a marriage. But, as time as gone by, I believe that I have done A LOT more for her than she has done for me. Yes, I have spoiled her. And it has completely bit me on the ass, as it probably should. Things will be going great and all of a sudden, she will just unload on me. This happens about every 6-9 months and it is so old. I bust my ass to make sure she's happy, but when she begins to complain, she always says things like "I wish I was back in my country", "I'm sick of this"....and has even suggested about 5-6 times that she may want a divorce or we need to separate. I don't know if its the heat of the moment talking, but I've always believed that if you say it more than once, there may be a little truth to it.

Also, her temper. Holy hell. It is one of the most scary things I have seen. I'll put it out there, I do gamble. She knew it before we got married, and I don't hide it from her. However, I have never asked her for money, taken money out of my savings, or haven't done anything where it would restrict doing things out together. I also put money into savings as well. Never missed a mortgage payment or whatever. Not taken anything out of my 401k. She has confronted me about that and other petty things, and when she gets mad, WOW. I've told her that she needs to tone it down, but she refuses too. It's like she can get what she wants and I'm supposed to do whatever she wants too. 

What can I do? Back off trying to make her happy? It's pathetic. I know I'm not perfect, and I've done some things that probably warrant her getting so angry. Not cheating or anything like that. There are a ton of women out there who would appreciate all what I do as a husband. It's insane the things I do for her, yet if there are a couple of things I don't do, she gets all upset. It's classic manipulation and I won't stand for it.


What can I do to fix it? We have no children involved, and honestly, it scares me to bring one into the world with what her divorce/separation threats. I keep thinking, the next time she mentions it, I may leave the house for about a month. Give her something to think about. If she really wants it....I need some advice here. Thanks all!


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## ScottishKin (Jun 4, 2017)

The constant threats of breaking up/divorce during any conflict are a surefire way to ruin a relationship. If you're like me, from the first time you hear it onwards, you begin to walk on eggshells and are put squarely on the back foot. Even if you think she doesn't mean it, it plants a seed of insecurity in your head - if she's talks divorce because I left a spoon in the dishwasher, what if we have a real problem, how do we work that out?

I wouldn't leave to call her bluff next time, but try and explain how these threats make you fell, that she's slowly eroding your trust in her. If she is unwilling to accept that her behaviour is completely unreasonable in a marriage between two mature adults, you may want to think about walking for your own sanity.

I never reached that point with my wife (she got in there first) but we all have a breaking point.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I assume what you saw before marriage is what you have now. I would also stop keeping score of who does what for each other. Adults do not change who they are so you either stay with her or find yourself another wife. My wife has her faults too and has never changed despite my attempts so I just take her as she is and life is better that way.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

ScottishKin said:


> The constant threats of breaking up/divorce during any conflict are a surefire way to ruin a relationship. If you're like me, from the first time you hear it onwards, you begin to walk on eggshells and are put squarely on the back foot. Even if you think she doesn't mean it, it plants a seed of insecurity in your head - if she's talks divorce because I left a spoon in the dishwasher, what if we have a real problem, how do we work that out?
> 
> I wouldn't leave to call her bluff next time, but try and explain how these threats make you fell, that she's slowly eroding your trust in her. If she is unwilling to accept that her behaviour is completely unreasonable in a marriage between two mature adults, you may want to think about walking for your own sanity.
> 
> I never reached that point with my wife (she got in there first) but we all have a breaking point.


You know, I just think it's childish. I move heaven and earth for my wife. Just to see her happy, but deep down, I think she's miserable. Now, she doesn't act like she is, but whenever she gets mad, it all comes out. And it's come out more than once, even twice. For instance, off all the things that I do for her, one of the big things she complains about is waking up to have coffee with her. Me? I love to sleep in on the weekends. I get it, the easiest thing to do is sacrifice and do it. It's not even a big sacrifice. Thing is, if I do it once, that means she will expect me to do it all the time. And that's not going to happen. I've learned in my marriage that if you do something nice once, she will come to expect it all the time. She has said on more than one occasion that I don't do the things I use to do that made her fall in love with me. Well, no sh!t! There's things I didn't do 8 years ago for that I do for her now. 

I don't know. Her temper is a huge problem for me. You're right, I'm to the point where I have to walk on eggshells around her every 6-9 months. It's not like the things I do are intentional. If that were the case, I would understand. But it's not. I use to think that she was too good for me....but I'm starting to think that I'm too good for her. Coming in to the marriage, I told her that this needs to be 50/50. I would say that it's now 75/25.

Don't threaten me with divorce or separation. She may get what she is asking for...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You need to be stronger. Stop putting up with her nonsense. When she is disrespectful leave. Treat her like a child. Not saying yell or scream I am saying set up boundaries tell her what they are and whey she crosses them disengage. Women like your wife don't respect pushovers.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> I assume what you saw before marriage is what you have now. I would also stop keeping score of who does what for each other. Adults do not change who they are so you either stay with her or find yourself another wife. My wife has her faults too and has never changed despite my attempts so I just take her as she is and life is better that way.


That's the thing. I know her faults. I accept them. But the temper is a problem, and it's been communicated. In fact, throughout our marriage, I have never initiated a complaint to her because I accept them. That's who she is. No problem with that. You want to go shopping all the time? Fine, go ahead. Just be smart about it. You want to go out with a drink with co-workers? Fine, just be smart about it. I'm not the jealous type at all, I never have been. People are going to do whatever they want, it's just the way it is. I can only trust she will do what's best for our marriage...which she has.

I knew the temper was a problem before we got married. Now, we don't fight a lot. But when we do, she absolutely hammers me because I can only go at it for 15 minutes. Then I shut down, to the point where it seems like I don't care. 

My concern is, will she ever be happy? Deep down, I don't think she is. I really don't think my best will ever be enough for her. What also worries me is that I'm building resentment towards her. Mainly because I do the best I can for you, to make you happy. If you still are going to complain about petty ****, then take a walk. It would kill me if we divorced but I know that I gave it my best shot. So I don't think I would lose as much sleep as I think..


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> You need to be stronger. Stop putting up with her nonsense. When she is disrespectful leave. Treat her like a child. Not saying yell or scream I am saying set up boundaries tell her what they are and whey she crosses them disengage. Women like your wife don't respect pushovers.


Oh man, I have tried this. Whenever we have fought big-time, I have tried to leave, but she just gets in my face about it. I'm not going to do anything physical, and would never. But sometimes, I just want to give her a good shove out of the way, so I can leave. That's why I say that leaving the house for a week or two would help.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jivany said:


> Oh man, I have tried this. Whenever we have fought big-time, I have tried to leave, but she just gets in my face about it. I'm not going to do anything physical, and would never. But sometimes, I just want to give her a good shove out of the way, so I can leave. That's why I say that leaving the house for a week or two would help.


Maybe talk about it afterwards. Tell her if she does it again you are leaving. Tell she needs to get counseling. Tell her she is ruining your marriage and your affection for her. Are there any consequences at all for he nonsense?


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jivany, welcome to the TAM forum. Are you also seeing a strong fear of abandonment? It likely would be most evident in strong jealousy over harmless actions (e.g., looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second). It also would be evident if she has strong resentment whenever you spend a few hours visiting a friend or family member, mistakenly believing that you are choosing them over her.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Maybe talk about it afterwards. Tell her if she does it again you are leaving. Tell she needs to get counseling. Tell her she is ruining your marriage and your affection for her. Are there any consequences at all for he nonsense?


I pretty much just avoid her. Give her the silent treatment. I have a job where I can travel anytime, anywhere I want too. Sometimes, I will take a long "work" trip. 

Does anyone's wife here complain about petty ****? I mean, I've seen some of the husbands of my wife's friends, and they don't seem to do anything for their wives. It's amazing because I think what I do for her, not many people would. Not sure she realizes that, even though she says she does. 

I mean, fvcking hell, I get it. You left your country for me. But I have done pretty well for you here, and I really dont see what your complaining about. So what if I love watching baseball? You knew that before you met me, now you ***** about it? GTFO.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

To me, having an arguement where she gets mad every nine months, doesn't seem to be that big of a deal. None of us like them, but very few relationships don't have situations where one or the other spouse spouts off a time or two a year.

No disrespect to your question.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Jivany, welcome to the TAM forum. Are you also seeing a strong fear of abandonment? It likely would be most evident in strong jealousy over harmless actions (e.g., looking at another woman for a second instead of a half-second). It also would be evident if she has strong resentment whenever you spend a few hours visiting a friend or family member, mistakenly believing that you are choosing them over her.


You know, not really. She definitely is the jealous type, but not over family stuff. Now, I work in a company where I'm by myself here. So I really don't interact with my co-workers. If I worked at a company where I was around people all the time, and wanted to go have some beers, I dont know...maybe. If I ask her to come, she's ok. If I didn't, I'm sure she would pout or something. My immediate availability for her would be threatened. I am always available for her because, hey, she's my wife, not my gf. 

The only jealousy I have ever seen is when I have communicated on the phone with an ex and wrote harmless emails back and forth with another one. I completely get it. However, I will point out that both were harmless, was no emotional connection with either and have been cut off out of respect for my wife. That was maybe 3-4 years ago.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Spicy said:


> To me, having an arguement where she gets mad every nine months, doesn't seem to be that big of a deal. None of us like them, but very few relationships don't have situations where one or the other spouse spouts off a time or two a year.
> 
> No disrespect to your question.



It's not the arguing that bothers me. It's the content. It's the same thing every time. She complains of stuff I don't do for her. And it's all petty stuff, except the quitting the gambling (which I understand). When she *****es, she makes it sound like she has a horrible life here, and that's far from the truth. It makes me think she will never be happy here, no matter what I do or how I do it. It's very exhausting. 

Her parents, she says, love me, but there's really not a connection there because of a language barrier. They don't love me, they like me because of the way I treat their daughter, and what I have done for her AND them. I have paid for my FIL surgery, paid for their tickets to fly here, let them stay at my house (my wife says that's a given, but I disagree. Plenty of husbands out there who don't want the in-laws to stay with them.) She says I'm disrespectful to her parents because I don't even look them in the eye when they talk to me. Truthfully, I don't even realize I'm doing it until AFTER they leave. That's when she tells me. I tell her to "look, tell me when they are here, so I can do something about it. Now they are gone, and I am the ******* because there's nothing I can do to fix it. So don't blame me for you being quiet."

I'm tired of the crying she does about it. It makes me feel like a villain, when I'm far from one...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

Gosh I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Maybe Central American women are raised that way. The reason I wonder is because my brother is married to a female from Ecuador and before marriage he dated a girl from El Salvadore for years. They were both exactly like your wife. I have never seen fights like those between other couples, ever. These fights have even gotten physical where the females have struck my brother. I honestly don't know what to say except that, for me, the outbursts are totally unacceptable. I would not tolerate it any further. It really is a form of abuse.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Not said:


> Gosh I wonder if it's a cultural thing. Maybe Central American women are raised that way. The reason I wonder is because my brother is married to a female from Ecuador and before marriage he dated a girl from El Salvadore for years. They were both exactly like your wife. I have never seen fights like those between other couples, ever. These fights have even gotten physical where the females have struck my brother. I honestly don't know what to say except that, for me, the outbursts are totally unacceptable. I would not tolerate it any further. It really is a form of abuse.


It is. And she has come close to hitting me a couple of times. I politely warn her, that if you physically touch me, you either 1) are getting the cops called on you or 2) are saying that you want a piece of me, and want me to fight back. I wouldn't act on No.2, so I warn her about the cops. Truth is, I would never call, but you never know this day and age, right?

Here's how mad she gets when she's mad at me. She once had a blood vessel burst in her right eye because she was screaming so loud and so much. Now tell me...is that normal? Isn't that worth getting looked at? She refuses. So basically, I have to work on sh!t to make her happy, but she doesn't have to do anything because that's just how she reacts...that's how she is. 

And yes, she's Salvadorian.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

jivany said:


> It is. And she has come close to hitting me a couple of times. I politely warn her, that if you physically touch me, you either 1) are getting the cops called on you or 2) are saying that you want a piece of me, and want me to fight back. I wouldn't act on No.2, so I warn her about the cops. Truth is, I would never call, but you never know this day and age, right?
> 
> Here's how mad she gets when she's mad at me. She once had a blood vessel burst in her right eye because she was screaming so loud and so much. Now tell me...is that normal? Isn't that worth getting looked at? She refuses. So basically, I have to work on sh!t to make her happy, but she doesn't have to do anything because that's just how she reacts...that's how she is.
> 
> And yes, she's Salvadorian.


Jivany- what you describe is exactly what my brother lives with and it's not normal. They have two small children so he won't leave her. He is so unhappy, just miserable and severely depressed. No amount of reasoning works with his wife, she gets so hysterical that nothiing he could do or say would de-escalate the fights. The physical violence is no joke, my brother has spent time in jail because he raised his arm to deflect one of her blows and and she called the cops and had him arrested for hitting her. Be very careful about that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jivany said:


> It's not the arguing that bothers me. It's the content. It's the same thing every time. She complains of stuff I don't do for her. And it's all petty stuff, except the quitting the gambling (which I understand). When she *****es, she makes it sound like she has a horrible life here, and that's far from the truth. It makes me think she will never be happy here, no matter what I do or how I do it. It's very exhausting.
> 
> Her parents, she says, love me, but there's really not a connection there because of a language barrier. They don't love me, they like me because of the way I treat their daughter, and what I have done for her AND them. I have paid for my FIL surgery, paid for their tickets to fly here, let them stay at my house (my wife says that's a given, but I disagree. Plenty of husbands out there who don't want the in-laws to stay with them.) She says I'm disrespectful to her parents because I don't even look them in the eye when they talk to me. Truthfully, I don't even realize I'm doing it until AFTER they leave. That's when she tells me. I tell her to "look, tell me when they are here, so I can do something about it. Now they are gone, and I am the ******* because there's nothing I can do to fix it. So don't blame me for you being quiet."
> 
> I'm tired of the crying she does about it. It makes me feel like a villain, when I'm far from one...


marriage counseling may help you. You both obviously don't communicate very well. We are not there but maybe she has a point about the in laws. Maybe you do come off as disrespectful. Maybe it is a cultural thing. Personally I don't think you are doing your wife a favor by letting your in laws stay in your house. You may not like them staying, I get that it's stressful but you should fake it. Plenty of husbands are smart enough to not let on that it is an issue.

She is also your wife so that makes it her house too. And you know what if you want to say where you live is not your wife's then guess what, you are going to have problems. As I know it Spanish families are very close and share quite readily, the this is my house thing would rub most the wrong way. After reading your posts these things don't seem petty to me. 

As far as having a horrible life what is she saying exactly. Is she saying she is lonely, or she doesn't have a big enough TV. There is a big difference, and frankly if it is something like the lonely part these are things you ignore and get defensive about at your own risk. If it's the TV kind of issue that is also a red flag maybe even more unfortunate. At least if it is an emotional issue those can be reasonable. We need more info on that one.

No excuse for the violence thing though, I would be gone first time she hit me. Just don't be like this guys brother and stay at any cost. I would also hold off on having kids until it gets better if you don't have any. Kids will keep you stuck in the situation. There are some big red flags here.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

jivany said:


> It is. And she has come close to hitting me a couple of times. I politely warn her, that if you physically touch me, you either 1) are getting the cops called on you or 2) are saying that you want a piece of me, and want me to fight back. I wouldn't act on No.2, so I warn her about the cops. Truth is, I would never call, but you never know this day and age, right?
> 
> Here's how mad she gets when she's mad at me. She once had a blood vessel burst in her right eye because she was screaming so loud and so much. Now tell me...is that normal? Isn't that worth getting looked at? She refuses. So basically, I have to work on sh!t to make her happy, but she doesn't have to do anything because that's just how she reacts...that's how she is.
> 
> And yes, she's Salvadorian.


Do you feel the frequency of her outbursts are increasing or is she just being a ***** every so often.If she is getting worse then she may physically assault you and then you HAVE to call the cops or else leave her.If you let her away with it once then it becomes part of your life.
Your wife is one of these people who believe that a favour today is a duty tomorrow.in other words anything you do for her once becomes something you should always do.This leaves you in an impossible situation in that you can't do anything as a once off or as an occasional treat because it becomes compulsory.
When she threatened you with divorce the second time you should have agreed and called her bluff.Next time she does it either pack her stuff or pack your own and one of you leaves.
To be honest judging by your posts you have had enough and are looking for some anonymous internet users to tell you to leave.
If you really have had enough then leave.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jivany, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and often being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). All of us are "BPDers" to some extent. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a moderate to strong level that is persistent (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum). Not having met her, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, verbal abuse, and temper tantrums.



> Her temper. Holy hell. It is one of the most scary things I have seen.... She once had a blood vessel burst in her right eye because she was screaming so loud and so much.


If your W is a BPDer (i.e., is on the upper third of the BPD spectrum), she has been carrying enormous anger and hurt deep inside since early childhood. You therefore don't have to do or say a thing to CREATE the anger. You only have to do some minor thing that TRIGGERS a sudden release of anger that is always there below the surface. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in only a few seconds. And this is why one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD is _"Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger."
_


> She has come close to hitting me a couple of times. I politely warn her, that if you physically touch me, you either 1) are getting the cops called on you or 2) are saying that you want a piece of me, and want me to fight back.


_"Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors"_ is another one of the 9 defining symptoms for BPD behavior. So far, you've seen what _"impulsive"_ means. If your W really is a BPDer, you likely will eventually see what _"often dangerous behaviors"_ means. 

BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions. This is why _"A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones"_ is one of the 9 symptoms.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> She has even suggested about 5-6 times that she may want a divorce or we need to separate.


Because BPDers are emotionally unstable, it is common for them to keep repeating a push-you-away and pull-you-back cycle over and over again. The result is that BPDer relationships are notorious for having multiple breakups. A BPDfamily survey of about 460 such relationships found that nearly a fourth of them (23%) went through 10 or more complete breakup/makeup cycles BEFORE finally ending for good. About 40% of the BPDer relationships experienced at least six breakup/makeup cycles before ending. And 73% had three or more breakup/makeup cycles before finally ending. See "Results" at BPDfamily Breakup/Makeup Poll. 



> I have to walk on eggshells around her every 6-9 months.


Because you never know what minor comment or action will trigger a BPDer's rage, it is common for the abused partners to feel like they often are walking on eggshells. Indeed, it is so common that the #1 best-selling BPD book (targeted to those abused spouses) is titled _Stop Walking on Eggshells_. The reason that I suggested your W may only exhibt moderate BPD symptoms is that, if her symptoms were strong, you would be having the eggshells feeling much more often than "every 6-0 months."



> You know, I just think it's childish.


If your W exhibits moderate to strong BPD symptoms, her emotional development likely was frozen at the level of a young child. This would have prevented her from learning the more mature skills needed to regulate her own emotions. The result is that she would remain fully reliant on the primitive ego defenses that young children employ -- e.g., denial, projection, black-white thinking, temper tantrums, and magical thinking.



> She definitely is the jealous type.... The only jealousy I have ever seen is when I have communicated on the phone with an ex and wrote harmless emails back and forth with another one.


You seem to think she is jealous but are hard pressed to produce many examples. The reason I ask about inappropriate jealousy is that one of the key defining symptoms for BPD is a strong fear of abandonment. I suspect that, if your W is a BPDer, her abandonment fear is primarily being expressed as her 5 or 6 threats to divorce you in the space of only 5 years. As strange as it may sound, when a person has a great abandonment fear it may grow so painful and frightening that she will preemptively abandon her partner to prevent him from doing it to her -- and to put a stop to the terrible fear.



> I'm tired of the crying she does about it. It makes me feel like a villain, when I'm far from one.


If your W is a BPDer, she has a very fragile and unstable sense of who she really is. To the extent she has any lasting sense of self identity, it is the false self image of being "The Victim," always "The Victim." Because a BPDer will keep a death grip on that false self image, she will look for frequent validation from her partner that she is indeed a helpless victim. This is accomplished, during the courtship, by perceiving of you as The Rescuer. And, when her infatuation starts to evaporate, she will start perceiving you as The Perpetrator -- or as "The Villain," as you say. In this way, you will be blamed for every misfortune to befall her. Moreover, as the years go by, she will become increasingly resentful of your inability to save her from unhappiness (an impossible task with BPDers).



> I think she's miserable.


If she exhibits strong BPD traits, that unhappiness is not unexpected. A recent study found that 81% of female full-blown BPDers also suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder such as depression.



> Married for about 5 years now to an incredible woman.... Overall, a good person.


BPDers generally are good people who have good morals and principles. Their problem is not being "bad" but, rather, being unstable. Moreover, because they usually exhibit a warmth, intensity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise is seen only in young children, they are very easy to fall in love with. Indeed, two of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana -- both exhibited full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct. The result is that it is very painful to walk away from a BPDer because you will feel like you're abandoning a sick young child who, despite all her temper tantrums, is essentially very lovable.



> I need some advice here.


My advice, Jivany, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you and your young child are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if most seem to apply.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. Although BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute full-blown BPD. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., remaining in an unhealthy marriage or running into the arms of another abusive woman just like her.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Jivany.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

jivany said:


> Alright, so I just found this site and hopefully it can give me some insight...
> 
> I am 35 years old, employed, and have been married for about 5 years now to an incredible woman. Without this girl in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I thank God every day for her. But I have to say, she can be a chore sometimes. Now, she's not a bad wife at all. She doesn't nag me every day, she's always goofy as hell, likes to have some beers. Overall, a good person. But there are a couple of things that I just can't stand and don't know how much longer I can take..
> 
> ...



You are from different cultures so in her family and culture this may the way women express themselves?

Sit her down and explain that every time she does this to you it chips away at your love for her, that will give her something to think about. 
Tell her she has valid reasons sometimes but it is better to talk about them in a non hostile way and you will listen more often.
Incidentally, some women do this, not to get an answer or a solution, but to vent. Women are much more emotional than men and express what they are feeling in the moment but may well forget about it later.

Unfortunately, you are taking it all in and assuming the worst. Please talk to her about respect, because I suspect you feel very disrespected and this is the major problem.

There are useful materials online about love and respect. just do a search.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

If she can't speak with you civilly, like an adult, you hold up your hands, say STOP, you will not be yelled at and you will not listen until she is calm. If she carries on, leave the room, or she follows, leave the house. Go for a walk. 

You may have to repeat that experience a few times and be firm, but don't get angry under any circumstances. You are teaching her you will not be yelled at. So far, she thinks it's fine to yell at you. 

The next time she threatens and says she wants to go home, you say OK, go buy her a plane ticket, and let her know you'll ship her important sh1t to her parents (or whatever family she has there). Follow through. Yes, she moved for the relationship but that was her choice. Holding resentment over it is not healthy. You have better things to do than force a woman against her "better judgement" to live with you. 

Most of the Latina women I know (and I really hate generalizations but it's true) test their men regularly. They need strength. They need to be with a man who is not afraid to say NO and be ready to do anything to support his decision, even if it means dumping them. I don't know if it's a cultural thing or how they're just raised. 

Your wife could be showing signs of a PD, but for the moment you need to stop tolerating the bad behavior so you can find out for sure. Some people just do not transition well from their native home, and she is definitely not the stuff of the kind of personality you seem to desire in a partner. You seem to want a partner who knows how to recognize your efforts and says thank you, shows gratuity. She seems more concerned about finding the next thing to criticize you over. Take that as a sign that she will never be happy, no matter what you do. I'd start doing a heck of a lot less for her. 

I have to ask, did you marry her primarily because she was hot?


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Satya said:


> If she can't speak with you civilly, like an adult, you hold up your hands, say STOP, you will not be yelled at and you will not listen until she is calm. If she carries on, leave the room, or she follows, leave the house. Go for a walk.
> 
> You may have to repeat that experience a few times and be firm, but don't get angry under any circumstances. You are teaching her you will not be yelled at. So far, she thinks it's fine to yell at you.
> 
> ...



Thank you all very much for the replies. It does help me to see what you guys are saying. Let me tell you a bit more for context...

My wife is 5 years older than me. Before she met me, she was in a 10 yr relationship where her ex cheated on her multiple times. Her father also ran around on her mother, but the mother stayed with him. Her dad is also an alcoholic, which unfortunately, my dad is becoming or is already there. 

I don't mind that her parents come to visit. That's not my issue. My issue is that they stay for an entire 5 weeks, and we never communicate. I have known my wife for 8 years now, and I can't remember the last meaningful conversation I have ever had with them. Her mom? Talked with her maybe 5 minutes alone our entire relationship. I have told her that I don't blame her parents, who are genuinely nice and humble people. I actually blame my wife because she doesn't mediate between us. I get it's annoying but that's one of the things you signed up for. I know Spanish and can get by if spoken slowly. But after awhile, that gets old and they talk normal, which I understand. Me and my wife have had it out every time they leave because she's not helping me. But she blames me for it. Which I jump on her a$$ and tell her that she's wrong. That never gets fixed, and of course, it's my fault too.

Look, I love my wife very much. For the most part, she's a happy go lucky person with me. But the more she vents to me, the more I think she may just be putting on a show for me. She says she's afraid to talk to me because it never goes anywhere. Like, I have excuses to everything she says. And it's not that, but I am not going to be a pushover. You cant just say what you want and expect me to just take it. That's not how it works. If I feel strongly against something, you had better believe I'm going to say something about it.

When she gets mad, it's usually a build up of things that led to it. And I never know what I'm doing wrong until she blows up. To the person who says doing it once, then doing it all the time is an obligation...spot on. I do little things around the house and things for her to show her that I love her, but then it turns into an obligation. Because I know that in the next few months, whatever I stopped doing, I'm going to get criticized for it.

I may make it sound like we are always at each other's throats. That's far from the truth. We really aren't, in fact hardly ever. But when we she gets upset or whatever, we can get at it. I think the next time I hear divorce or separation, I'm going to leave. I'm calling her bluff. Because I'm sick of it, and if that's what you want to say to fix things, that's exactly what you are going to get..

Oh, and I didn't marry her because she is hot. I married her because she was the first person who I could tell was very sincere with me. She actually cares for me and I can tell. That, and she was/is hot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> It's not the arguing that bothers me. It's the content. It's the same thing every time. She complains of stuff I don't do for her. And it's all petty stuff, except the quitting the gambling (which I understand). When she *****es, she makes it sound like she has a horrible life here, and that's far from the truth. It makes me think she will never be happy here, no matter what I do or how I do it. It's very exhausting.


You both have jobs, right? What percentage of your joint income does she earn?

She complains about your gambling... most likely a valid complaint.
She complains that you sleep in instead of getting up early and having coffee with her.
She complains that you stopped 'dating' her and doing the things that you did back then.

What else does she complain about? Could you write up a list and post it?

Also, how many hours a week do you and she spend together, just the two of you, focused on each other... quality time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> When she gets mad, it's usually a build up of things that led to it. And I never know what I'm doing wrong until she blows up. To the person who says doing it once, then doing it all the time is an obligation...spot on. I do little things around the house and things for her to show her that I love her, but then it turns into an obligation. Because I know that in the next few months, whatever I stopped doing, I'm going to get criticized for it.


I'm trying to get a better picture of what you are talking about here. Could you please write out a list of things that you do around that house that you do to show her that you love her--things that she then thinks are your obligation and so she gets angry when you stop doing them?


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I'm trying to get a better picture of what you are talking about here. Could you please write out a list of things that you do around that house that you do to show here that you love her--things that she then thinks are your obligation and so she gets angry when you stop doing them?


Happily. 

She has a point with the gambling. I get it. Now, its not as bad as she makes it out. Put it this way...her ex? Always asked her for money and is apparently now in a $60k hole because of it. Me? I have never asked for help, taken money out of savings, never missed a mortgage payment, and contribute to my 401k AND savings. Plus, we dont miss out on other stuff.

We both have jobs. She makes SLIGHTLY more than me, but not much. I am currently looking for another one, as I need to get into the 6 figures! 

Ok, this list is going to sound corny as all hell, but it's the little things that count, right?

-She hates driving in the rain and can get scared. So I would drive and pick her up from work so she doesn't have to. Although I don't anymore because she needs to get used to it. I'm not her driver, for Christ's sake.
-Buy her parents tickets to fly here.
-Pay for everything when her parents and I go out to eat...every time.
-Set up her coffee the night before, so she saves time going to work. It's dumb, I know. But it means a lot to her.
-I take care of the dog for everything. Only thing she does is feed her.
-Put rain-x on her car if I know it's going to rain, so she doesn't freak out on the road if she can't see.
-Set up her appointments for her for her aching shoulder. Go with her to appts.
-Buy flowers once a month because she loves them.
-Cook every sunday night for her.
-Watch some of her shows with her, even though she never returns the favor.
-Massage her head/shoulder while in bed. Though I don't do this so much anymore because it's not reciprocated.
-Help her in the yard, especially when she's gardening. 
-I have tried to cut back not watching so much sports. This actually helps with the gambling.
-Call to see how she's doing at work. Never calls me. This has stopped as well.
-Dropped everything that I'm doing to go help her at a store for some dumb sh!t she needed. 
-I go to spanish concerts with her, because she wants to go see them. She does the same for me.

You know, there are more things but I had to stop. Writing these things out has made me see that I feel like I'm a care-taker rather than a husband. But I do these things out of love for her, so she can have a smile on her face. I go out of my way, happily, to do these things. While they seem small and petty, it's like I said before...it's the little things that count...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I just read your list jivany, you sound like how I was with my husband. All of the things you listed are courtesies done out of love but they then become expected over time and when you stop doing them that throws up a red flag for the spouse. They think something is wrong. In my case these things were being used as a measure of how much I loved him and when I would stop doing a particular thing for him he assumed I was falling out of love or even cheating. At the same time though he did none of those things for me so did that mean he didn't love me at all? Nope, he just got conditioned to measuring my love for him one way and his love for me another way. I guess he thought just being married to me was proof of his love, no further effort required.

Get this out, front and center, with her. Explain that you don't want your love being measured that way. This has to work both ways if she wants these things to continue, she has to do them too. If she complains about you not doing something ask her why, if she's not doing it for you as well, she would expect you to?Ask her if she really wants to measure your love for one another in this way? If so then she better to get to work.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Not said:


> I just read your list jivany, you sound like how I was with my husband. All of the things you listed are courtesies done out of love but they then become expected over time and when you stop doing them that throws up a red flag for the spouse. They think something is wrong. In my case these things were being used as a measure of how much I loved him and when I would stop doing a particular thing for him he assumed I was falling out of love or even cheating. At the same time though he did none of those things for me so did that mean he didn't love me at all? Nope, he just got conditioned to measuring my love for him one way and his love for me another way. I guess he thought just being married to me was proof of his love, no further effort required.
> 
> Get this out, front and center, with her. Explain that you don't want your love being measured that way. This has to work both ways if she wants these things to continue, she has to do them too. If she complains about you not doing something ask her why, if she's not doing it for you as well, she would expect you to?Ask her if she really wants to measure your love for one another in this way? If so then she better to get to work.


This is actually a great point, and I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who has gone through it. Personally, I'm not one to complain only if she's complaining. I try to keep a happy shop. 

I remember last year, Dec 11, 2016, she absolutely unloaded on me because of 3 things: 1) We are not active enough 2) I don't help around the house as much 3) Gambling. I conceded point number 3. But the first two? Give me a break. I have taken her to Memphis to see her idol, Elvis (We live in Texas), I have taken her to New Orleans so she can experience what I did growing up, I have taken her to go see NASA, taken her to countless concerts, play dates with other dogs, out to Ft Worth and Dallas where she can drink and I drive (its always me driving), to Destin, Florida for a weeklong vacation, out with friends...what more does she want? I'm not Bill Gates.

On the second point, I do as much as I can to help around the house. This one just absolutely baffled me. I asked her to give me examples and she gave me one...something about the bathroom, I don't even remember. But I do my best around the house, because I love my house and take pride in it. However, right now, she's cleaning the house and I'm not helping at all...we had a little argument a couple of nights ago and we are both giving each other the silent treatment.

I just don't get some of the things. I have busted my ass for her. To put a smile on her face. I put her in front of me. I'm not sure what I do will ever be good enough though...


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

She sounds absolutely spoiled and like someone who has lost sight of the bigger picture. She is measuring the success of your relationship by what you do for her; the part where she claims you don't do enough for her. Unless she can start planning and paying for trips and concerts and nice dinners out she needs to (wo) man up or shut up. 

The gambling, not every gambler is an addict. There is such a thing as responsible gambling the same way there is responsible drinking. It can be something that one absolutely enjoys, like a hobby. Only you know where you sit in regards to that topic and if you are one of those responsible gamblers you owe no explanation to anyone here on this forum. Your wife on the other hand, perhaps she's against it purely because of the stigma attached to it. Gambling = bad/immoral in the minds of most of the general population so there may be no convincing her otherwise. That's a tough one.

The housework is hot button topic in some cases. In your case, you both work so there's no reason why it can't be split evenly down the middle. Negotiations can be done and a list of agreed upon responsibilities layed out. If this is something that really is a problem, tackle it head on and both of you work together to agree to who does what. The thing to remember is we have to have leniency for our spouse, if they want to take a break from chores one day and/or is just having a bad day then let it go. The chores can wait. Just don't ever get to the point where this becomes used as a weapon against one another. Been there done that, it does happen. Be patient, forgiving and offer to help a little extra if it seems like help is needed.

As for the bigger picture I mentioned, there are all these everyday mundane issues married couples face and the foundation tends to get ignored or forgotten. The foundation of trust, mutual respect and genuine care for the well being of the other needs to come first, everything else will always be secondary to that. Without that foundation the house crumbles.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> Happily.
> 
> She has a point with the gambling. I get it. Now, its not as bad as she makes it out. Put it this way...her ex? Always asked her for money and is apparently now in a $60k hole because of it. Me? I have never asked for help, taken money out of savings, never missed a mortgage payment, and contribute to my 401k AND savings. Plus, we dont miss out on other stuff.
> 
> ...


Good list.

Now what are the things that she does?

How is the house work split up? 
How is the yard work split up?

Do the two of you share the bills equally? Do you two have joint accounts? Or do you both keep your money separately?


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

jivany said:


> Alright, so I just found this site and hopefully it can give me some insight...
> 
> I am 35 years old, employed, and have been married for about 5 years now to an incredible woman. Without this girl in my life, I wouldn't be where I am today, and I thank God every day for her. But I have to say, she can be a chore sometimes. Now, she's not a bad wife at all. She doesn't nag me every day, she's always goofy as hell, likes to have some beers. Overall, a good person. But there are a couple of things that I just can't stand and don't know how much longer I can take..
> 
> ...


How about go to marriage counseling? She definitely need to work on her bad temper, as that can really cause damage in the relationship if she behaves like a psycho when angry. I do t believe you deserve to be treated that way simply because you like to gamble once in a while. She should try and express her concerns in a civilized and rational manner.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@jivany

Singulations like yours are a bit hard to respond to on here because we only have your side of the story. I’m not saying that I don’t believe you. What I’m saying is that there are usually 3 stories, his story, her story and what’s really going on. I’m trying to figure out each of these stories from what you are telling us. So here goes up to now.

The way you describe our wife’s angry outbursts is not good at all. She needs to learn to speak calmly to you about the thing that you she has issues with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> -Cook every sunday night for her.


Who cooks every other night of the week?



jivany said:


> -I take care of the dog for everything. Only thing she does is feed her.


Whose dog is this? Did the two of you get it together? What do you do for the dog? 




jivany said:


> -Help her in the yard, especially when she's gardening.


This is not clear. It makes it sound like she does most of the yard work. Is that right?


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Who cooks every other night of the week?
> 
> 
> Whose dog is this? Did the two of you get it together? What do you do for the dog?
> ...



My wife cooks but not very often. She likes to cook and make lunch for herself to bring to work the next day. She also makes it for me as well.

The dog is both of ours but she's in my name. We rescued her about 4 years ago. She's the best.

The yard work, I would say is 50/50. She wants to plant flowers and she usually does that herself. I take care of the lawn, sprinkler system, and what not. I don't really have a problem with yard work with her.

Regarding the bank accounts. We have separate bank accounts but we both have access to each of them. The savings account we have is on her account. 

I'm going to be honest, I'm addicted to sports gambling. Been doing it forever, and it's a part of my life. I know it shouldn't be, but it is. Yet, I don't hide it from her and I don't let it destroy us. I think her worry is that if one of us loses our jobs, it would put us in a hole ( it wouldnt). But I do understand her point, and have never contested it.

You're right, I'm only giving my side. Let's put it this way. I have discussed this with my priest and he let me know that if this kind of stuff keeps up, that I'm a candidate for having an affair...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> My wife cooks but not very often. She likes to cook and make lunch for herself to bring to work the next day. She also makes it for me as well.


It's really hard to figure out what's going on because you are not answering questions in a direct manner. For example I asked how many times a week does she cook dinner and your answer is not clear. I'm going to assume here that she cooks dinner at least once or twice a week and fixes lunches for you as well.

So isn't that also her doing things for you? Why do you think that your cooking dinner once a week counts more than her doing it one or two times a week?



jivany said:


> The dog is both of ours but she's in my name. We rescued her about 4 years ago. She's the best.


Again, your answer is not clear. I asked not only whose dog this is and what all do you do for the dog. I still have no idea what all you do for the dog.

In another post, I also asked you how many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing things where you are focused on each other. You have not answered that. It's a pretty important question.

Here's what I think. I think that you have some justified concerns. For example your wife's angry outbursts, as you describe them, are completely unacceptable. They have to stop.

I also think that you are a "Nice Guy". Get the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and read it. My understanding is that there are pdfs of the book available on the internet. Now a "Nice Guy" is not a nice guy. Instead a "Nice Guy" is a guy goes does nice things because he expects things in return. He sets up situations where he does X and expects his wife to do Y in return. When she does not do Y he gets angry and expresses that anger in passive aggressive manners.

Here is an example, you pay for her parents plane tickets and restaurant bills. Then you get all bent out of shape about it because she is not showing appreciation the way you want her to show it. So stop paying for her parents.

See in marriage, both of your incomes belong 50% to the other person, so in reality when you pay for her parent's tickets, she is paying 50%. It would be better to restructure your finances in a way that reflects what the law says about income during marriage. You both put money into a joint account at a ration equal to each of your portion of joint income. So if you earn, let's say, 45% of your joint income, then you put in 45% of the money into the account. Then all bills, to include her parent's tickets and dinners comes from the joint account.

Each payday, 10%-20% of your joint income goes into sayings... in both of your names. Then all of both of your incomes goes into a joint account and all bills are paid. Once all bills are paid, you two divide the remaining money 50/50. You can each spend that money any way you want. That way if you want to blow your discretionary money on gambling, she cannot complain. She has the same amount to blow on anything she wants. Structuring income/savings/bills like this has saved a lot of marriages. Get the book *Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner* by David Bach



jivany said:


> You're right, I'm only giving my side. Let's put it this way. I have discussed this with my priest and he let me know that if this kind of stuff keeps up, that I'm a candidate for having an affair...


Wow... your priest told you that you are justified in having an affair? Really? Is there some women in your life who you are interested in?

There is no excuse for an affair. If you are unhappy in your marriage work to fix it or just end it. 

My suggestion is that you and your wife get into counseling. And that you also get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Ask her to read the books with you and do the work that they say to do.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> It's really hard to figure out what's going on because you are not answering questions in a direct manner. For example I asked how many times a week does she cook dinner and your answer is not clear. I'm going to assume here that she cooks dinner at least once or twice a week and fixes lunches for you as well.
> 
> So isn't that also her doing things for you? Why do you think that your cooking dinner once a week counts more than her doing it one or two times a week?
> 
> ...


Ok, yes, I guess I wasn't clear. I get to rambling and forget some of the questions..

Quality time? Well, after work, every day, we are always together, unless I am out of town for work. I guess I would say, during the week, we spend 5-6 hours a week focused on each other. A lot of time, we relax with each other having a beer, watching tv, talking about our day. This is not counting weekends, but usually, we spend all weekends together. 

What do I do for the dog? Let's see, I take her to the vet to get vaccines, take her for monthly checkups for her heartworm prevention, I bathe her, I get home at lunch to let her outside, I pick up the food for her, I take care of all the logistics about boarding her when we go out of town, I take her bed to to the laundromat to get it cleaned, I clean her ears, I brush her teeth, I give her her heartworm medicine (which can be difficult sometimes), I clear her food station...what does she do? She feeds her in the morning. And plays with her.

I have actually heard about this book. Ive been meaning to get it but keep forgetting. I've actually read that it would be best if my wife didn't know that I was reading that book. I forget the reasoning why though..

I never said my priest JUSTIFIED an affair. I don't think any priest in the world would do that. I said that when I discussed with him my problems, he told me to be careful, because if it keeps going on, I am a candidate to have an affair. Again, he is not advocating an affair, just to be careful that I could have one. And no, there is no other woman I'm interested in. Unless Shakira, Salma Hayek, or Elizabeth Hurley came knocking on my door...

I get it about the plane tickets. We do pay for it together. BUT, I don't HAVE to do that. I do that out of love for her. What I don't like is all the stuff that I do for them, and I don't have the interaction with them that I would like. I believe my wife is at fault here, because she needs to be mediator. And she does a piss poor job about it. Has been going on for years now. So when I don't talk to them, I'm looked at as being disrespectful. Which is BS. She doesn't realize that I have tried for 8 years, and nothing has come from it. So you can't sit there and get all pissy when I don't feel like engaging, because I know it's not going anywhere...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> Ok, yes, I guess I wasn't clear. I get to rambling and forget some of the questions..


Just know that when people are trying to help you, and they ask specific questions, they are asking them for a reason. It’s usually because more info is needed. One of the reasons that I think the two of you need to go to counseling is so that there is some who talks to both of you. That way they get both sides of the story and they can get the needed detail.


jivany said:


> Quality time? Well, after work, every day, we are always together, unless I am out of town for work. I guess I would say, during the week, we spend 5-6 hours a week focused on each other. A lot of time, we relax with each other having a beer, watching tv, talking about our day. This is not counting weekends, but usually, we spend all weekends together.


I asked that question because it seems like your relationship is really breaking down. I believe that you said that your wife complains that you are not dating, or doing things like before you married. Those words usually means that a couple is not spending enough quality time together.
A couple needs to spend a minimum of 15 hours a week together, doing date-like thing (or quality time) in order to maintain that ‘in love feeling’. 


jivany said:


> What do I do for the dog? Let's see, I take her to the vet to get vaccines, take her for monthly checkups for her heartworm prevention, I bathe her, I get home at lunch to let her outside, I pick up the food for her, I take care of all the logistics about boarding her when we go out of town, I take her bed to the laundromat to get it cleaned, I clean her ears, I brush her teeth, I give her her heartworm medicine (which can be difficult sometimes), I clear her food station...what does she do? She feeds her in the morning. And plays with her.


Heartworm medicine is hard to give? I have 3 dogs. I give each one the pellet and eat it like a treat??? And monthly checkup for heartworm prevention? Never heard of any dog going to the vet that often for heartworm checkups.
Is there anything around the house that she does more than you do? For example, from what you wrote, it sounds like she does much more housework than you do.



jivany said:


> I have actually heard about this book. Ive been meaning to get it but keep forgetting. I've actually read that it would be best if my wife didn't know that I was reading that book. I forget the reasoning why though..


Do you mean that you have heard about the “No More Mr. Nice Guy Book”? If you were told to not let her see you read that book, it’s probably because the topic is specifically for you.


jivany said:


> I never said my priest JUSTIFIED an affair. I don't think any priest in the world would do that. I said that when I discussed with him my problems, he told me to be careful, because if it keeps going on, I am a candidate to have an affair. Again, he is not advocating an affair, just to be careful that I could have one. And no, there is no other woman I'm interested in. Unless Shakira, Salma Hayek, or Elizabeth Hurley came knocking on my door...


From what you told us about your wife, your wife is as vulnerable for an affair right now as you are. She sounds profoundly unhappy with your marriage.
Here are two links that you might find helpful, probably not what you want to hear. But they might be helpful.

The Walk-away Wife Syndrome Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/387026-now-he-wants-change-power-ilybinilwy.html




jivany said:


> I get it about the plane tickets. We do pay for it together. BUT, I don't HAVE to do that. I do that out of love for her. What I don't like is all the stuff that I do for them, and I don't have the interaction with them that I would like. I believe my wife is at fault here, because she needs to be mediator. And she does a piss poor job about it. Has been going on for years now. So when I don't talk to them, I'm looked at as being disrespectful. Which is BS. She doesn't realize that I have tried for 8 years, and nothing has come from it. So you can't sit there and get all pissy when I don't feel like engaging, because I know it's not going anywhere...


When you say that she needs to be the mediator, what do you mean? Do you mean that you do not speak Spanish well enough to talk to them so you need her as a translator?

There are some very good translation apps now that translate the spoken word. Why not get one of them and use it to talk with them. I have a friend who works at a major medical center. This last year she introduced iPads with translation software on them for the staff. They can now talk to just about any patient regardless of the language that they speak. So apparently the software works very well. I’ve also seen translation devices sold that are smaller, hand held.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

I don't think I ever said that she complains of us not dating. What I did say is that she usually gets upset about things I used to do, but don't anymore. It's always been a problem in our relationship...for her. I understand that people change over a period of time. What she did for me back then, she may not do anymore...but it may be replaced with something else. I will say that we are always acting young at heart, being goofy and silly with each other. I actually love that part of our relationship, and it's been going on for 8 years now. If that part ever went away, I would be very concerned.


I have a 60 lb lab and her vet gives her Tri-Fexis. Since she is above 60 lbs, they give her a certain pill to take. I can't just give it to her as a whole piece because she won't take it. So I have to cut it into small pieces, and force it down her throat. It's the only way she can do it. The treats you are talking about, for her, do not work. It's not difficult to do, but I know my wife couldn't or wouldn't do it. We give her Tri-Fexis once a month. Not sure where I gave the impression where she does more work. I could list off a bunch of stuff but the list would be too long. What gets me is her complaint that I don't. When I'm wrong, I'll admit it. No problem. But if you are going to accuse me of not doing enough, you had better had a bunch of examples, which she fails to give.


Yes, I mean when we talk, I need her to translate for her parents and for me. It's the only way we can have a conversation all night, but she gets tired of it. And I understand it because I get tired of it too. But she's the one who brings it when she complains. I do my best to learn Spanish, but she needs to realize that she needs to make a better effort. Believe me, I have tried my best to do this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jivany said:


> I don't think I ever said that she complains of us not dating. What I did say is that she usually gets upset about things I used to do, but don't anymore.


in an earlier post you said the following:



jivany said:


> She has said on more than one occasion that I don't do the things I use to do that made her fall in love with me.



I take that to mean that there were things that you did while you two were dating that she felt was the basis of her falling in love with you. And now you are not doing those things.

Very often, after a couple marries, one or both of them stop doing a lot of the things that they did during the courting phase of the relationship. and this causes problems in the marriage. It might not be dating specifically that she is complaining about. But it sounds like she thinks you stopped doing some things that are important to her. What are they?



jivany said:


> It's always been a problem in our relationship...for her. I understand that people change over a period of time. What she did for me back then, she may not do anymore...but it may be replaced with something else. I will say that we are always acting young at heart, being goofy and silly with each other. I actually love that part of our relationship, and it's been going on for 8 years now. If that part ever went away, I would be very concerned.


You say that if that part of your relationship went away you would be concerned. It sounds like for her, something went away that means a lot to her. 



jivany said:


> I have a 60 lb lab and her vet gives her Tri-Fexis. Since she is above 60 lbs, they give her a certain pill to take. I can't just give it to her as a whole piece because she won't take it. So I have to cut it into small pieces, and force it down her throat. It's the only way she can do it. The treats you are talking about, for her, do not work. It's not difficult to do, but I know my wife couldn't or wouldn't do it. We give her Tri-Fexis once a month. .


I have 3 dogs... 55lbs, 100lbs and 130 lbs. I've never had to cut up their heartworm pills (or really they look like treats). But whatever. I don't think my understanding why you have to cut up a small treat-like think is important. 



jivany said:


> Not sure where I gave the impression where she does more work. I could list off a bunch of stuff but the list would be too long. What gets me is her complaint that I don't. When I'm wrong, I'll admit it. No problem. But if you are going to accuse me of not doing enough, you had better had a bunch of examples, which she fails to give.


Here is one of the places where I got that idea.




jivany said:


> right now, she's cleaning the house and I'm not helping at all





jivany said:


> Yes, I mean when we talk, I need her to translate for her parents and for me. It's the only way we can have a conversation all night, but she gets tired of it. And I understand it because I get tired of it too. But she's the one who brings it when she complains. I do my best to learn Spanish, but she needs to realize that she needs to make a better effort. Believe me, I have tried my best to do this.


You can take charge of this on your own. Get a translation device. I bet your in-laws would be trilled and think that it's a great idea. And then you would be liberated to be able to talk to them. You could even go further in taking charge of your own relationship with them by starting to send emails once in a while in Spanish. After all there are all kinds of free online translators available.

You both need marriage counselling very badly. And you need the books that have been suggested.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Further, I want to post again that your wife's angry outbursts are a huge problem that has to be addressed. Not much else can ever be fixed until she stops the angry outbursts.

If she is using a posture that is threatening to hit you and she is preventing you from leaving when you want, she has escalated to domestic violence. She is controlling you with the threat of violence. This is serious.

You might want to get some of her outbursts recorded either on a VAR (voice activated recorder) or on a video camera (one of those small spy ones). That way if/when she denies it in counseling, you will have proof what you are talking about.

Or if the police do end up called one of these days, you will have proof of who did what.

You seem to want to stay with her and try to make this work. But keep in mind that you need to have some plan for when she gets crazy mad.

The idea of telling her to stop and then you leaving is a good one. I did that with my husband (now ex) who used to throw huge, angry outbursts. I had a talk with him head of time, when he was calm, and told him that I would no longer stick around for any angry outbursts. That as soon as it was clear that he was going to go there, I was going to tell him to stop and then leave... either go to another room with our son or I would leave the house with our son. we could talk when he calmed down. Also told him that if he followed me around to keep up with outbursts are refused to let me leave, I would dial 911.

It took a few weeks, but it worked. It put an end to his angry outburst.


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## Sly Fox (Jun 6, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> @jivany
> 
> Singulations like yours are a bit hard to respond to on here because we only have your side of the story. I’m not saying that I don’t believe you. What I’m saying is that there are usually 3 stories, his story, her story and what’s really going on. I’m trying to figure out each of these stories from what you are telling us. So here goes up to now..


Hmm my.... It would be nice to hear more women give this introspective when it's the woman who has been wronged. I doubt you would have said this or embarked in such a long cross examination if OP were a woman saying her husband had these anger fueled outbursts. Too funny!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sly Fox said:


> Hmm my.... It would be nice to hear more women give this introspective when it's the woman who has been wronged. I doubt you would have said this or embarked in such a long cross examination if OP were a woman saying her husband had these anger fueled outbursts. Too funny!


Did you miss the below post I made? It's the second or third time I addressed her angry out bursts, which to me are reason enough for her to leave him.





EleGirl said:


> Further, I want to post again that your wife's angry outbursts are a huge problem that has to be addressed. Not much else can ever be fixed until she stops the angry outbursts.
> 
> If she is using a posture that is threatening to hit you and she is preventing you from leaving when you want, she has escalated to domestic violence. She is controlling you with the threat of violence. This is serious.
> 
> ...


The OP does not seem to want to end this relationship. Sometimes it takes a person a long time to finally get to the point that they will leave. I have given many women on TAM the same input as above because they will not leave a spouse who is guilty of angry outbursts. 

Until they are ready to leave, the best that can be done is to help them deal with ongoing issues.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

jivany said:


> Alright, so I just found this site and hopefully it can give me some insight...
> 
> I am 35 years old, employed, and have been married for about 5 years now to* an incredible woman*..
> 
> ...


Doesn't sound incredible at all. Maybe that's your conflict, you use nice guy language in the first sentence yet describe a psycho in the next paragraph.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

The verbal, emotional and physical outbursts are huge red flags. Spoiled, unappreciative, fault finding, hot and cold relationship and walking on eggshells are enormous car dealership sized red flags. I would agree with @Uptown that your wife exhibits some glaring signs of PD. Could be BPD as suggested or some other issue.

If you ignore this do so at your own peril. I'm 20 years into a marriage and only now have a definitive diagnosis that my wife is strong BPD. I tried for a very long time to appease and temper the relationship. Did backflips to change and be what she was saying she wanted. Nothing worked. It drove me crazy. I'm much more at peace now that I know why our marriage wasn't working.

You can attempt to do every thing offered as advice here but it won't do a bit of good if she has BPD or some other PD. Because the advice given discounts any PD, normalizing her response and once again critiquing yours. 

Think about it. If you quit gambling for good today do you think it would dissolve the tension you feel from her? If you did more work around the house, let the in-law thing go, cooked more meals etc do you think that you would have back to the wonderful woman from earlier in your relationship? What level of change in you do you think would cause your marriage to be the one that you envisioned early on? By the way this is all wrong thinking. 

Take some time to look at Uptowns post again. Be fair about how you're assessing your wife and let us know what you think. I would also strongly suggest that you follow his advice about meeting with a qualified therapist (individually) to get some clarity on her behavior. Rule in or out, but you have to know what you're really dealing with before you can effectively address it.

Many here suggest "No More Mr Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. In your case I'm not so sure it's the huge eye opener it is for others. One that I have benefited from is "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a FVck" by Mark Manson. I wish you well.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

Idyit said:


> The verbal, emotional and physical outbursts are huge red flags. Spoiled, unappreciative, fault finding, hot and cold relationship and walking on eggshells are enormous car dealership sized red flags. I would agree with @Uptown that your wife exhibits some glaring signs of PD. Could be BPD as suggested or some other issue.
> 
> If you ignore this do so at your own peril. I'm 20 years into a marriage and only now have a definitive diagnosis that my wife is strong BPD. I tried for a very long time to appease and temper the relationship. Did backflips to change and be what she was saying she wanted. Nothing worked. It drove me crazy. I'm much more at peace now that I know why our marriage wasn't working.
> 
> ...



You know, the gambling thing has been brought up about 3-4 times in our relationship. And I never have even given a thought to what would happen if I stopped gambling. Would it dissolve the tension? Hmmm....that's actually a really good point. I would imagine she would be happy for about 3-4 months, then there would be something else that I would be doing wrong that she would sit and stew about for another 3-4 months. Very interesting..

Is that Mark Manson book real? If so, I would be more inclined to give that one a read rather than "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's more up my alley.

By the way, what is PD? BPD? Bi-polar disorder, I'm assuming...

Thanks for the post sir!


P.S. Boston Red Sox ML -135 tonight!


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Uptown said:


> Jivany, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., verbal abuse, controlling behavior, easily triggered temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you), and often being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exGF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that she may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it.
> 
> I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). All of us are "BPDers" to some extent. At issue, then, is not whether your W exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do.
> 
> ...





jivany said:


> You know, the gambling thing has been brought up about 3-4 times in our relationship. And I never have even given a thought to what would happen if I stopped gambling. Would it dissolve the tension? Hmmm....that's actually a really good point. I would imagine she would be happy for about 3-4 months, then there would be something else that I would be doing wrong that she would sit and stew about for another 3-4 months. Very interesting..
> 
> Is that Mark Manson book real? If so, I would be more inclined to give that one a read rather than "No More Mr. Nice Guy". It's more up my alley.
> 
> ...


I quoted @Uptown for a more comprehensive look at what Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) looks like. He has been a tremendous help to me and would recommend you hear him out. If you read through some of the infidelity threads on here those who have been through it can spot it a mile away. Likewise with BPD or other personality disorders (PD) those who have been on the receiving end notice patterns and behaviors. In either case it's never 100% but definitely worth ruling in or out.

And yes, the book is for real and actually very good. I highly recommend it. https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-subtle-art-of-not-giving-a-f-ck-mark-manson/1123517507


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

jivany said:


> Oh man, I have tried this. Whenever we have fought big-time, I have tried to leave, but she just gets in my face about it. I'm not going to do anything physical, and would never. But sometimes, I just want to give her a good shove out of the way, so I can leave. That's why I say that leaving the house for a week or two would help.


*Well, they do say that "absence makes the heart grow fonder!"

And provided she doesn't try to follow you!

If you're going to leave, I'd recommend doing it whenever she ain't home!*


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

Satya said:


> If she can't speak with you civilly, like an adult, you hold up your hands, say STOP, you will not be yelled at and you will not listen until she is calm. If she carries on, leave the room, or she follows, leave the house. Go for a walk.
> 
> You may have to repeat that experience a few times and be firm, but don't get angry under any circumstances. You are teaching her you will not be yelled at. So far, she thinks it's fine to yell at you.
> 
> ...


No I didn't Mary her for that. I've been with sexier women. Boundaries with her are tough. She can go sit in another room for 2 weeks if I'm mad at her. She would pretend she doesn't need me for anything and do all her own cooking and cleaning. Being along is perfect for aspergers. That's how they recharge. Avoiding her because you're mad and not going to put up with her **** doesn't work for people who can't give a **** about others. Her name is on the deed for the house. It wouldn't be as simple as saying I'll ship your **** to your mom's. I think I'd go find a different house if it came down to it. Half the house is hers and half is mine. It's paid for so I'd go take 250k out on a mortgage and leave lol

She want like this in any way for the first 8 years or so we were together. She doesn't yell at me everyday and all day long but yes I need to set boundaries! 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moliverna said:


> No I didn't Mary her for that. I've been with sexier women. Boundaries with her are tough. She can go sit in another room for 2 weeks if I'm mad at her. She would pretend she doesn't need me for anything and do all her own cooking and cleaning. Being along is perfect for aspergers. That's how they recharge. Avoiding her because you're mad and not going to put up with her **** doesn't work for people who can't give a **** about others. Her name is on the deed for the house. It wouldn't be as simple as saying I'll ship your **** to your mom's. I think I'd go find a different house if it came down to it. Half the house is hers and half is mine. It's paid for so I'd go take 250k out on a mortgage and leave lol
> 
> She want like this in any way for the first 8 years or so we were together. She doesn't yell at me everyday and all day long but yes I need to set boundaries!


Satya was not talking about avoiding her because you are angry. She is talking about refusing to engage when she is in the middle of an angry outburst. This is to teach her that if she wants to talk to you, she has to talk to you in a calm, thoughtful, respectful manner.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Satya was not talking about avoiding her because you are angry. She is talking about refusing to engage when she is in the middle of an angry outburst. This is to teach her that if she wants to talk to you, she has to talk to you in a calm, thoughtful, respectful manner.


Yes but she can care less if I leave the room. It doesn't fix her. She doesn't yell in big outbursts often enough for that to work. It seems like her outbursts are at the worst times though. The last time was a few weeks ago when I had double phnemonia and I woke up at 3am barely able to breath. She yelled at me in anger because she was only gonna get 9 hours of sleep vs 10. She threw antibiotics at me, grabbed her blanket and went to sleep in our spare room. I tried to leave to go to ER but I would have passed driving. I was able to find her breathing treatment and I hooked it up and used that. It's that behavior that's total bull****. I brought it up The other day I was so pissed off. She got defensive. She can't apologize. She doesn't understand other people's feelings. It's harder now that I understand that she doesn't understand. Feels like I'm making excuses for her. I'm losing interest in her and trying the more she's is an ashole to me. Asp or not. I'd never leave someone because they were I'll. But everyone's got a breaking point. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moliverna said:


> Yes but she can care less if I leave the room. It doesn't fix her. She doesn't yell in big outbursts often enough for that to work. It seems like her outbursts are at the worst times though. The last time was a few weeks ago when I had double phnemonia and I woke up at 3am barely able to breath. She yelled at me in anger because she was only gonna get 9 hours of sleep vs 10. She threw antibiotics at me, grabbed her blanket and went to sleep in our spare room. I tried to leave to go to ER but I would have passed driving. I was able to find her breathing treatment and I hooked it up and used that. It's that behavior that's total bull****. I brought it up The other day I was so pissed off. She got defensive. She can't apologize. She doesn't understand other people's feelings. It's harder now that I understand that she doesn't understand. Feels like I'm making excuses for her. I'm losing interest in her and trying the more she's is an ashole to me. Asp or not. I'd never leave someone because they were I'll. But everyone's got a breaking point.


You are right that this would not work on someone who does not care if you won't engage in an angry outburst, or listen to their angry outburst.

If she does not have the care enough to learn to stop her angry outbursts, even after you tell her that you are not ok with them, then you have two choices.

1) stay and just put up with it. (I do not suggest this. But it is an available choice.

2) end the marriage.

It sounds like you are headed to #2. There is no way anyone should live in a relationship with a spouse who has angry outburst like your wife did. Plus her refusal to help you when you have a serious health issue is not acceptable.

Maybe, next time you have an issue like you did with the pneumonia, if she will not drive you to the ER, call for a taxi/uber or call for an ambulance. Pneumonia is nothing to play around with.


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## Moliverna (Apr 9, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You are right that this would not work on someone who does not care if you won't engage in an angry outburst, or listen to their angry outburst.
> 
> If she does not have the care enough to learn to stop her angry outbursts, even after you tell her that you are not ok with them, then you have two choices.
> 
> ...


Yea I'm pretty much alone in life. I need to take care of myself and son. I can't rely on her for anything. Not much upside to staying. 

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moliverna said:


> Yea I'm pretty much alone in life. I need to take care of myself and son. I can't rely on her for anything. Not much upside to staying.


I understand how that goes. I married a guy who turned out to have some serious mental health issues. In the end it was the same.... he just disappeared into the shadows (or should I say into his own world).

When in a relationship like this, the best thing you can do is take care of yourself and your child. And that probably means a divorce. Take control of your own life.


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## JuanLarrazabal (Jul 3, 2017)

jivany said:


> Oh man, I have tried this. Whenever we have fought big-time, I have tried to leave, but she just gets in my face about it. I'm not going to do anything physical, and would never. But sometimes, I just want to give her a good shove out of the way, so I can leave. That's why I say that leaving the house for a week or two would help.




She gets in your face.. and you DONT leave?


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## JuanLarrazabal (Jul 3, 2017)

jivany said:


> I pretty much just avoid her. Give her the silent treatment. I have a job where I can travel anytime, anywhere I want too. Sometimes, I will take a long "work" trip.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Doesnt see like avoiding her is making her wanna stay, its probably pushing her even farther. Sum1 who avoids u but pays all ur bills is a classic pushover. U should leave so she can know you're serious about not putting up with her unhealthy behaviour



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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

JuanLarrazabal said:


> Doesnt see like avoiding her is making her wanna stay, its probably pushing her even farther. Sum1 who avoids u but pays all ur bills is a classic pushover. U should leave so she can know you're serious about not putting up with her unhealthy behaviour
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


It's exactly what I'm doing. I will be leaving for a month the next time she threatens me with a divorce/separation. Then she can realize what it's like without me. I have a feeling she's taking me for granted....and hopefully this will show her. I know I've given my best shot here. That's why I can rest easy with anything I've done.


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## JuanLarrazabal (Jul 3, 2017)

jivany said:


> It's exactly what I'm doing. I will be leaving for a month the next time she threatens me with a divorce/separation. Then she can realize what it's like without me. I have a feeling she's taking me for granted....and hopefully this will show her. I know I've given my best shot here. That's why I can rest easy with anything I've done.




good job homie


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry I don't have the patience to read all this or talk to a man like you

My assessment based on your posts: you are full of whiney covert contracts, play the victim, and act passive aggressively.

Then every 6-9 months your emotional w can't take it anymore and has an equally irrational meltdown

I saw some women here nailed this as well - read NMMNG and ask them what I'm saying if you don't follow 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I don't have the patience to read all this or talk to a man like you
> 
> My assessment based on your posts: you are full of whiney covert contracts, play the victim, and act passive aggressively.
> 
> ...


I agree. Which is why he needs to read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"...as you point out.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Sorry I don't have the patience to read all this or talk to a man like you
> 
> My assessment based on your posts: you are full of whiney covert contracts, play the victim, and act passive aggressively.
> 
> ...


LOL. Allllllrighty then.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

OP have you looked at Uptowns post and considered it? Please do.

The response you're getting is expected. The go to book Is "No More Mr Nice Guy" because it often does help. It does even help with a BPD spouse. BUT the initial glance at things tends to pin the marital issues on the op.

Some will appear to be swinging their key board warrior **** but take it in stride. Get yourself educated and decide if you need more questions answered. Or need to meet with a qualified counselor to help determine what you're dealing with..

Let me know what you think of Uptown's post.

{Edited to remove profanity bypass. Do not use funny spelling to try to avoid the profanity filter. ~EleGirl}


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

jivany said:


> That's the thing. I know her faults. I accept them. But the temper is a problem, and it's been communicated. In fact, throughout our marriage, I have never initiated a complaint to her because I accept them. That's who she is. No problem with that. You want to go shopping all the time? Fine, go ahead. Just be smart about it. You want to go out with a drink with co-workers? Fine, just be smart about it. I'm not the jealous type at all, I never have been. People are going to do whatever they want, it's just the way it is. I can only trust she will do what's best for our marriage...which she has.
> 
> I knew the temper was a problem before we got married. Now, we don't fight a lot. But when we do, she absolutely hammers me because I can only go at it for 15 minutes. Then I shut down, to the point where it seems like I don't care.
> 
> My concern is, will she ever be happy? Deep down, I don't think she is. I really don't think my best will ever be enough for her. What also worries me is that I'm building resentment towards her. Mainly because I do the best I can for you, to make you happy. If you still are going to complain about petty ****, then take a walk. It would kill me if we divorced but I know that I gave it my best shot. So I don't think I would lose as much sleep as I think..


next time she melts down say your piece and leave go stay at your families/friends place for a day or 2 then call her and say I don't want to live with crazy. next time you go bat $***crazy I'm filing for divorce. AND MEAN IT.

I got say though I'm not to hopeful that she will change a major character flaw such as you described. I might want to have a lawyer already picked out.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> next time she melts down say your piece and leave go stay at your families/friends place for a day or 2 then call her and say I don't want to live with crazy. next time you go bat $***crazy I'm filing for divorce. AND MEAN IT.
> 
> I got say though I'm not to hopeful that she will change a major character flaw such as you described. I might want to have a lawyer already picked out.


This will be my next course of action. I know its coming, I just don't know when. I have not talked to any lawyers as of yet. But I am already mentally preparing for the next fight...hence walking on eggshells. Not a good feeling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How about taking control of the situation and talking to her before the next fight?

Sit her down and tell her that her angry outburst are unacceptable. That she needs to figure out how to not blow up the way she does. That if she does it again, you will not engage in an angry argument/fight and you will leave. If she tries to prevent you from leaving, you will get help by calling 911.

Waiting for the next blow up is just planning for drama.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Jivany,

You come across as very defensive. And as if you are carefully sharing information in a way that makes you look best. 

Must have mentioned gambling five times by now - without ever saying how much you lose per month/year. And I'm guessing you get a bit worked up when the team you bet on loses. 

The worst part of all this is that you say: Hey I used to do this or that, but don't anymore, people change. Except where gambling is concerned you say she knew you were like that. 






jivany said:


> I don't think I ever said that she complains of us not dating. What I did say is that she usually gets upset about things I used to do, but don't anymore. It's always been a problem in our relationship...for her. I understand that people change over a period of time. What she did for me back then, she may not do anymore...but it may be replaced with something else. I will say that we are always acting young at heart, being goofy and silly with each other. I actually love that part of our relationship, and it's been going on for 8 years now. If that part ever went away, I would be very concerned.
> 
> 
> I have a 60 lb lab and her vet gives her Tri-Fexis. Since she is above 60 lbs, they give her a certain pill to take. I can't just give it to her as a whole piece because she won't take it. So I have to cut it into small pieces, and force it down her throat. It's the only way she can do it. The treats you are talking about, for her, do not work. It's not difficult to do, but I know my wife couldn't or wouldn't do it. We give her Tri-Fexis once a month. Not sure where I gave the impression where she does more work. I could list off a bunch of stuff but the list would be too long. What gets me is her complaint that I don't. When I'm wrong, I'll admit it. No problem. But if you are going to accuse me of not doing enough, you had better had a bunch of examples, which she fails to give.
> ...


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

MEM2020 said:


> Jivany,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I doubt OP will accept responsibility for his faults since he's a classic "nice guy" who would rather get divorced than take control of the situation, be forthright, and stop keeping score of all the "nice" things he does.

Of course she sounds like a hot head but I imagine it's hard for someone like her to respond to him since he's so defensive.

I'm picturing the scene in jerry McGuire when Tom cruise is trying to walk away during the shouting match and his client is saying "hey we finally started talking"


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Op,

What you have described to me is eerily reminiscent of my own experiences growing up with a latina mother. She was crazy but in a harmless way. As the years progressed, in hindsight, she calmed down considerably. Unfortunately, I am not certain if this was a function of age or of 'cultural assimilation'.

Not to be glib, but I remember describing my family dynamic as a klingon (mom) marrying a vulcan (dad). I think that what she wanted was a husband who was man enough to go toe to toe with her, someone passionate and con ganas (gusto, drive, - there isn't really a phrase in English that truly captures the connotation - google search falsely shows the phrase is of mexican origin - so yeah). It was like she relished the drama. She was a very intense person. My dad on the other hand wanted peace and quiet. His insistence to respond calmly only served to escalate. Yet American culture limits the alternative. Poor dad was cornered. Eventually, they separated and not long after, she passed away.

I am not trying to discredit the plethora of advice heretofore given, but keep in mind that those giving the advice are from your world, not hers. 

I guess out of reverence to my mother, I will offer to you what I thought my father should have done all along. First, I know this will sound sappy and crazy, but read a little Pablo Naruda "The Captain's Verses". It will provide a glimpse into what her world from a man's point of view. Next, write her a letter. Explain that you understand that you are of two different worlds but that in spite of this you adore her and see your marriage as your life's work. Tell her that you long to know and understand her and that you need her to know and understand you.... Give this to her not in the heat of the moment, but when things are calm. Make several copies - expect that she will tear it up (and spit on it for that matter, bare in mind it's not personal). 

I can't guarantee an outcome, just give insight on the path, knowing what i now know, my father should have taken. I wish you and your bride success and happiness. I will keep your family in my prayers.

Note: How much do you know about where she is from? Do you know how gender dynamics work in her culture? My brother went on a trip and visited our relatives in South America. He thought it would great way to find and connect with that part of himself that he never knew (we were born and grew up in the States behind a white picket fence). Our cousins were more than happy to have him. The family there had feast after feast after feast akin to the prodigal son's return. Then the guys would go out for a night on the town. At some point, they took my brother to brothels where the women knew my cousins and asked about how my uncles were doing. They 'partied' unlike anything here. They ridiculed my brother when he opted out. That kind of stuff is just understood as men being men. Bare in mind, my brother is a professional musician and has toured and seen crazy stuff, but nothing like what went on down there. I share this because I wonder, if we are products of respective cultures, if that plays a role in your story... Maybe in her mind you are too good to be true and she is running a s-h-i-t-test on you. Maybe she has a self destructive streak and wants what that culture deems "a real man".


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

jivany,

some here have suggested, and you seem to agree with, the next incident with your wife is the time to walk.

I think this is a REALLY BAD idea. I mean, if you KNEW a heart attack was coming, would you sit around and WAIT for it? Or would you address the issue now so as to have a better chance of surviving it?

Here is the thing, your wife's harsh temper is something you AREN'T going to fix. I dont care if "she wasn't that way in the beginning" or the outbursts only happened once in a great while....it is what you are living now and will only get WORSE.

Here is the really shi*** part. Someone would stoops to those levels.......well there is NO RATIONAL WAY of dealing with it. I can see several avenues this can go down and escalate to, with you on the loosing end in each case.

My suggestion......leave her high and dry NOW. dont say a word. WALK. go completely dark on her for a couple weeks. DO NOT TELL HER WHY. just disappear. there are a couple reason for this. about the most i would do is leave her a note saying YOU ARE DONE so she doesn't file a police report for a missing person. that's it.

go completely dark on her for a couple weeks. after that, if this doesn't force her to think about WHY you would do something like this and re-evaluate her behavior....then your new change is permanent. if her reaction after re-establishing contact is to fight and escalate......then you know the decision to leave now was the right one.

people only change when they want to, or the pain of loss forces them to look at some things differently as their normal method of operation no longer works. you wife needs serious personal counseling but more than likely that wont happen with the entrenched mindset she has.

good luck you need it.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

x598 said:


> jivany,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Terrible passive aggressive advice. Ghosting is advice a teenager might give. This is someone's wife, not a BS crazy random he met on CL


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I had what @james5588 articulated in mind with respect to my posts.

Many cultures are overly dramatic when compared to the puritanical US subcultures.

Italian women can be stereotypically "emphatic" and I know my share of them who help perpetuate the stereotype.

A friend of DD13 is from Sri Lanka and she can be bluntly insulting, saying things like "my mom could teach you how to cook that" to my w (it amuses the hell out of us; she simply thinks us white people don't know any better when it comes to some of "her" foods)

I interpret the W's response as frustration with her H's ("unmanly") lack of conflict, with a little BS crazy topping it off


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Terrible passive aggressive advice. Ghosting is advice a teenager might give. This is someone's wife, not a BS crazy random he met on CL
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


your opinion and that doesn't make it any more valid than mine.

and she might be his wife but SO WHAT? It can be argued her behavior isn't any different than a "BS crazy he just met" (in your words)......that doesn't excuse or justify that behavior. In fact, to me, it makes it worse as your spouse has on obligation to treat you with respect and honor. or maybe those vows don't apply to her culture and he should endure these "teenage tantrums" as maybe its culture.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Jivany,
> 
> You come across as very defensive. And as if you are carefully sharing information in a way that makes you look best.
> 
> ...


LOL, defensive? For admitting a fault? And I USED to get worked up when they lost, which was way before I met her. Now, I don't.

And in what way does me being a gambling addict make me look good in any way? What's it matter how much I win or lose? Haven't you heard the saying "the house always wins"? There's a reason why they say that. You're getting fixated on the wrong thing. What matters is, can I put food on the table? A roof over our heads? Will I keep that roof over our heads? Am I taking money from savings? No. Am I asking to borrow money? Nope. Is she having to change her lifestyle because of it? From all the shopping, no cc debts we have, I would say no.

People change, sure. But an addiction is a disease. Sure, it can be fixed. But like one other poster mentioned, let's say I do stop gambling....is that going to change anything else? I really don't think so.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

jivany said:


> People change, sure. But an addiction is a disease. Sure, it can be fixed. But like one other poster mentioned, let's say I do stop gambling....is that going to change anything else? I really don't think so.


no she isn't going to suddenly turn into Ms pleasant if you never gambled again. Her tantrums, again, are a just a dirty form of warfare to win at any cost and shows extreme immaturity.

BTW...you don't sound like a "gambling addict" to me. so you gamble some. its like drinking...it can be done responsibly or become a problem...you decide. do you ride her on how much she spends on her shopping binges? whats the difference?


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

x598 said:


> jivany,
> 
> some here have suggested, and you seem to agree with, the next incident with your wife is the time to walk.
> 
> ...



I agree with this. The only thing I don't agree with is just doing it out of nowhere. If I just got up and left while everything is going great, that would make no sense. The next time she does blow up on me, then yea, I'm walking out for awhile.

It's funny. One night, we went out with a couple of friends. After a night of drinking, the night is over and we decide to head home. While I'm driving, my wife was using a tone of voice that she thinks is cute when she's drunk, but which I find annoying as hell. I kindly told her to "can you please talk normal?", or something along those lines. Holy hell, she then went on a tirade on how she has to speak english and spanish, and how difficult it can sometimes (even though she's fluent in both). It was a lie, what got her so mad was her hurt pride. Well, we get home, and instead of going inside, I decide to just drop her off and leave (which she was so surprised.) I didn't come back until about 530a. I woke up at around 8a and she was crying because she knew how bad she was acting. I guess leaving really did the trick...

I also agree with the getting out in front of her blow-ups, which I have done before. In fact, during the middle of one, I flat out told her "look, this is too much for me. Your temper is just out of control when we argue. That needs to change or from now on, I'm not saying anything to you".....what I should have said was that I'm leaving for a couple of weeks. Now, if I talk to her beforehand and she still has an outburst...then I'm headed to Destin for a two week vacation.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

jivany said:


> I agree with this. The only thing I don't agree with is just doing it out of nowhere. If I just got up and left while everything is going great, that would make no sense. The next time she does blow up on me, then yea, I'm walking out for awhile.
> 
> It's funny. One night, we went out with a couple of friends. After a night of drinking, the night is over and we decide to head home. While I'm driving, my wife was using a tone of voice that she thinks is cute when she's drunk, but which I find annoying as hell. I kindly told her to "can you please talk normal?", or something along those lines. Holy hell, she then went on a tirade on how she has to speak english and spanish, and how difficult it can sometimes (even though she's fluent in both). It was a lie, what got her so mad was her hurt pride. Well, we get home, and instead of going inside, I decide to just drop her off and leave (which she was so surprised.) I didn't come back until about 530a. I woke up at around 8a and she was crying because she knew how bad she was acting. I guess leaving really did the trick...
> 
> I also agree with the getting out in front of her blow-ups, which I have done before. In fact, during the middle of one, I flat out told her "look, this is too much for me. Your temper is just out of control when we argue. That needs to change or from now on, I'm not saying anything to you".....what I should have said was that I'm leaving for a couple of weeks. Now, if I talk to her beforehand and she still has an outburst...then I'm headed to Destin for a two week vacation.


the problem with this is she knows you will be back. all she has to do is cry a little and you are back. and you have repeated this dynamic. you go dark to shock her world and make her know you are serious and a few tears wont fix this. she needs to LEARN the hard way she has ALREADY pushed you past the point of no return.


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

james5588 said:


> Op,
> 
> What you have described to me is eerily reminiscent of my own experiences growing up with a latina mother. She was crazy but in a harmless way. As the years progressed, in hindsight, she calmed down considerably. Unfortunately, I am not certain if this was a function of age or of 'cultural assimilation'.
> 
> ...


Well, you know, I'm not perfect. And I never claimed to be. I know I do things that get my wife upset. I just dont know what they are until she has her outburst. Here's the difference between us. I know her faults, she knows mine. When she does things that I don't like, I will tell her then and there. I like to keep the peace, much like your father was. My wife does too, to an certain extent. It's just, she has to let it out after a certain while and its an explosion. Me? Sometimes I keep quiet, and other times, if it's too annoying, I deal with it in a kind manner. I know she's not perfect, and there are things that will annoy me. But I accept/deal with them and move on. I think a lot of men are like that..

What worries me is that I believe I'm holding a resentment towards her and it's building. If she does things that annoy me, why is it that I can accept it/ deal with , but she can't? For example, sometimes we are watching a new movie. And she will always make these "ooos" and "aaaahhhsss"....annoying as fvck. So I told her nicely to cut that **** out. And she did. I had a problem, I addressed it nicely, problem solved. Another thing with my parents...sometimes when we are all together, she stays on her phone, texting I don't know who, on facebook, whatever. Well, I had finally had enough and told her to "have some respect. dont be on your phone while my parents are talking to you. or in front of my parents. thats rude as fvck." I said it more nicely, but you get the gist. What did she do? Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know I was doing it so much. So now, she doesn't do it. Problem solved. Why is it so hard to do that for her? I think if she addressed things with me when they happen, a lot of this stuff can be avoided. I don't think it's a culture thing, I think its a common sense thing. But that's just me.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

"Not perfect"; however, I am guessing you don't cheat on her, beat her, abuse drugs, or demean her. Instead, you treat her with respect and do everything for her. Maybe, she is trying to see if you're for 'realz'.

At the same time: You're logical. She is passionate [I know I am totally projecting my crazy upbringing]. You want to settle differences. She wants to settle it once and for all (that is until the next time).

I know this sounds crazy, but my daughter has a bit of that latina thing - my daughter. She loves to try provoke me and pick squabbles. She'll hide my keys or take my shoes. She has always been this way. When she was a toddler, we came inside after playing outside on a hot summer day. i was lounging on the couch and she crawled up to me put her sweaty feet on my face and laughed - a toddler. Traditional discipline doesn't really work with her either. On an occasion that she misbehaved, I told her i wouldn't ground her but instead would serenade her in front of all her friends the next time I pick her up from school. Crazy. I know.

Point is, they live for that 'strife'. Did you ever see the movie 300? There is this line where the enemy's emperor threatens Leonidas with the prospect of enslaving Sparta's women and Leonidas responds, "clearly, you don't know our women!"

She may (MAY being the operative word here) be on some level trying to engage with you. It sounds like she respects you (she doesn't cheat, over spend, takes care of herself), but [and i know this will sound crazy to most here] she wants you to command her respect. You see, your definition of 'happiness' is predicated on the notion of peace, respect, tranquility. Her definition of happiness may be amor del fuego (fiery passion - but translation still comes short) con un hombre que mataria por ella (it sounds so much better in spanish).


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

x598 said:


> your opinion and that doesn't make it any more valid than mine.
> 
> 
> 
> and she might be his wife but SO WHAT? It can be argued her behavior isn't any different than a "BS crazy he just met" (in your words)......that doesn't excuse or justify that behavior. In fact, to me, it makes it worse as your spouse has on obligation to treat you with respect and honor. or maybe those vows don't apply to her culture and he should endure these "teenage tantrums" as maybe its culture.




Wrong. My opinion - to talk about problems in a relationship is objectively superior to ghosting and passive aggressive behaviors which are purely manipulation.

Balanced adults discuss, negotiate, sometimes even loudly convey their points, but they also listen. In that dialog, adults are able to hear someone else's point of view and also convey their boundaries.

Passive aggressive behavior like you recommend and OP exhibits hides boundaries and replaces them with covert contracts and punitive behavior.

Balanced adults enforce boundaries, and shrewd ones avoid ultimatums that they don't really intend to enforce.

In this case, saying I won't accept an outburst like xyz (with specifics) although I will listen when you are angry or upset. To me, a boundary is crossed from acceptable venting into abuse when I see xyz or you do abc. If that happens I'm leaving the house until you can talk to me with respect


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Wrong. My opinion - to talk about problems in a relationship is objectively superior to ghosting and passive aggressive behaviors which are purely manipulation.
> 
> Balanced adults discuss, negotiate, sometimes even loudly convey their points, but they also listen. In that dialog, adults are able to hear someone else's point of view and also convey their boundaries.
> 
> ...


WOW someone is full of themselves. but i am glad you publicly admit your opinion is "objectively superior". I like the way you talk about "balanced adults".....as if that is what he was dealing with.

again, your OPINION is nothing more than that and anyone and everyone has one.

Funny too the talk about abuse. I wonder if this was a woman posting about here husband screaming and demeaning her, if the ABUSE word would be attached to him and all the sympathy in the world applied to the female.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

That's not quite what you are doing about gambling. You say it's a fault but totally defend it by insisting that since it has no adverse impact on you/her, therefore she has no basis for complaining. 

That's different than saying: I have a gambling addiction and I understand why this upsets her. 

Same deal with her parents. Not saying she is blameless. But you seem very binary about how the bad in law relationship is all her fault. 

You won't get to a happy outcome employing an 'I'm right, you're wrong' approach. 





jivany said:


> LOL, defensive? For admitting a fault? And I USED to get worked up when they lost, which was way before I met her. Now, I don't.
> 
> And in what way does me being a gambling addict make me look good in any way? What's it matter how much I win or lose? Haven't you heard the saying "the house always wins"? There's a reason why they say that. You're getting fixated on the wrong thing. What matters is, can I put food on the table? A roof over our heads? Will I keep that roof over our heads? Am I taking money from savings? No. Am I asking to borrow money? Nope. Is she having to change her lifestyle because of it? From all the shopping, no cc debts we have, I would say no.
> 
> People change, sure. But an addiction is a disease. Sure, it can be fixed. But like one other poster mentioned, let's say I do stop gambling....is that going to change anything else? I really don't think so.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

x598 said:


> WOW someone is full of themselves. but i am glad you publicly admit your opinion is "objectively superior". I like the way you talk about "balanced adults".....as if that is what he was dealing with.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Not my opinion but perhaps you don't comprehend that


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The strategy below will almost certainly make her tense, anxious and angry.

I'm not suggesting her screaming behavior is ok - but this approach - will make the marriage more contentious - not more collaborative. 





x598 said:


> jivany,
> 
> some here have suggested, and you seem to agree with, the next incident with your wife is the time to walk.
> 
> ...


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## jivany (Jul 15, 2017)

james5588 said:


> "Not perfect"; however, I am guessing you don't cheat on her, beat her, abuse drugs, or demean her. Instead, you treat her with respect and do everything for her. Maybe, she is trying to see if you're for 'realz'.
> 
> At the same time: You're logical. She is passionate [I know I am totally projecting my crazy upbringing]. You want to settle differences. She wants to settle it once and for all (that is until the next time).
> 
> ...


To see if I'm for real? We've been together for 8 years, married for the past 5. If she doesn't know me by now, she never will.

And no, I don't cheat, beat, abuse drugs, or demean her ever.


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