# My wife confessed her love for another.



## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Hello all.

My marriage of 13 years is on the rocks. I neglected my wife with an online gaming addiction for several years. I used the gaming thing to cope with my own depression and I have since I was a kid. I've thrown all the games in the garbage but, it doesn't dismiss the fact that I hurt my wife. I've told her I am sorry and I plead with her to give me one last shot. She said, "ok but, this is it or I am walking". I thanked her and I feel very positive about my own progress.

There is just one thing that haunts me. She confided with an old friend of hers about our issues....for at least 6 months. This friend, a man, was someone that raised my suspicion before we were married 14 years ago. My soon to be wife then said, he was just a friend. Her words said one thing but, her eyes said something quite different. My intuition told me to run far and run fast....my heart told me relax. As such, I let it go...

During one of our patching up sessions, she told me that she confessed her love for him and he did like-wise for her. My heart sank into my shoes and my intuition mocks me at every corner now. She said there has been no romantic interlude and I try to believe there hasn't been.

Nevertheless, how does one trust or love again after something like this?

I'm a computer guru, she is computer illiterate. I installed a piece of software that I use to monitor what she is surfing but, more importantly who she is chatting with. Shame on me but, I absolutely have to know how deep the rabbit hole goes.

In one of her chat sessions:
She admitted to him that she revealed their confession to me. Now, he is avoiding her like the plague. He told her that they need to put this back in the closet and that she needs to work on her marriage. He also said not to contact him anymore.

I can't help but, feel that this is all my fault. I still love this woman. I hate to see her get hurt. She is getting her heart broken on several levels. Her eyes look dim and her mind is another place.

Everytime, I check to see what she is doing on her computer....she imediately opens a photo album and looks at his picture then checks to see if he is on googletalk for chat. I've kept a low profile about this cause I am already on shakey ground and I don't want to cause a rift and completely drive her out with my intrusive method of surveillance.

For the first time in my life, I feel like a dirty bastard for spying and a loser for neglecting my wife into giving her love to someone else. I am about as low as I can sink....it's hard to see any light. We have 3 children 11, 9, 5...they are wonderful. It's hard for me to imagine life without any of them, including my wife.

Dan-O


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is hard to do the dirty work in “spying” on your spouse but in some cases it is necessary. I recommend you move away from that now and try to rebuild trust. It can be done but does take time. Your wife is involved in an emotional affair and it will take her time to get over him. Be prepared to be patient and supportive of her. I am in a similar situation. I found out about the affair over a year ago and she has been out of contact with him for 8 months now but we have not fully recovered as a couple. Because of your past behaviors she is disconnected from you and probably has some protective barriers up to keep from getting hurt should you fail again. Communicate with her to find out what she is wanting from your marriage and from you. My best advice is to strap in for the long haul. This will likely not recover for some time. Do not falter on your promises to her and make those changes a life long commitment. The two of you will need to reconnect so spend time together as both a family and a couple. You can learn to trust again so take the spy ware training wheels off and start now. I know where you are coming from here and I can tell you things do get better with effort and care. Don’t beat your self up too much on your past problems. You have now recognized your mistakes and are addressing them. Move from the past now and concentrate on the future. Good luck


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

It sounds like you are at the beginning of a long healing process. 

My husband and i were in a similar situation over a year ago. He neglected me b/c of his addiction and I turned to a male friend of mine. My husband found an email i had written to him and was very upset about the contents. i felt really bad and promised to never write the person again. He has never brought it up again (except maybe once). It was really hard for me to stop talking to this other guy. We had been friends for a long time and had been through a lot together. i was sad about it for awhile (few months maybe), but im over it now.

I think you are dealing with a lot right now. Focusing on how you can help her and what she needs from you is a really good idea. maybe you can talk to her about what she misses about this other guy and see if you can do those things for her? Ive read a couple of posts about guys who have done that with their wandering spouses and it seems to really turn things around. My husband never did that with me, but it would have really helped i think.

By the way, now that you have thrown out your coping method, what are you using in its place?

And just keep working on improving yourself. read books, go to counseling, eat right, and exercise.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

I appreciate the words of encouragement guys. A long healing process indeed.

There is not a day that I don't think she will leave me. I've never been in a relationship with anyone that seemed so absolutely devoid of any kind of love. Even towards the children who try to lavish her with hugs and kisses on the cheek. At any rate, I continue to do my best.

I'm going to the gym everyday. I eat some days and some days, I just don't feel hungry or have time. I've been averaging about 3 hours sleep a night for over a month and I look like Death, with a clean shave. I feel good when I enter the gym.....I consider it my new sanctuary. I'm making some friends there.

Either way, I'm hanging in there.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

if she is void towards her kids then she is suffering from serious depression that goes beyond what happened between the two of you. there's something else going on with her. i'll be distant with my husband but if i start to neglect my dog (i know its not the same but that's all i got) then i know there's something going on with me that i need to work on. 

i would of course suggest you get more sleep. also, when my husband switched his addiction from video games to the gym...i didnt like it so much. how much time do you spend at the gym? is there some kind of activities you can do with your wife, or at least suggest it? do you and your wife spend any time together away from the kids?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I would imagine your wife was feeling ignored/unloved all the years you were gaming and when she did find attention from her online friend she was getting what she was missing. Now he has cut her off completely (which is a good thing as she may not have the strength to do so at the moment) so she is probably feeling very low and alone, very possibly depressed. 

If she is openly talking maybe it's time to go back to the basics...start dating again and spending time together. If she will open up to you, that is a good sign and the best opportunity for you to reconnect emotionally.

Congrats on kicking the gaming and restarting the gym :smthumbup:


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

You did nothing wrong *Dan-o* 
My Wife had a friend like the one your Wife had, she confessed her feelings for this guy too but before we got married and even went as far as telling me that if he wasn't with no one and she was also free that she would be with his. Not a couple of weeks after that statement he broke up with his girlfriend and she broke up with me, they dated a couple of time and a week later she was trying to get back with me. 
SHADY with a capitol SHADY! 
She always argued that nothing happened and that she didn't dump me to get with him, either both or at least one of those statements are a bold faced lie. 
I too have been tempted to do similar stuff to peer into the things my Wife does when she thinks I'm not looking, but I had a more ambitious plan in mind involving bugging devices and g.p.s. tracking both on her vehicle and her person, since most of her shady dealings happen while at work but I instead decided to trust my gut and act on assumptions, for in my mind she doesn't deserve the benefit of a doubt.
Unlike your Wife, mine never told her "friend" that I know anything, or that I have any issue with him, because she knows that he might decide to stay away like your Wife's "secret love" did. My Wife's "friend" has always been respectful when we've all kicked it together, because he doesn't know all that I know, but my Wife and one of her friends that went to school with this guy both jock him hard. 
I made her cut this "friend" out of her life, after a couple of time that my Wife tried to take his calls in private, she tried to fight it but I stood my ground and she eventually calmed down and did what's best. I guess I'd be cool if she wanted to talk with him in front of me but I don't know, I kind of like the current situation.
She was but hurt for a little bit because I put an end to her "secret fantasy love" but she got over it and we 
(our relationship) are the better for it.
It's ok to fantasize, I myself do it all the time, but there are and should be limits and boundaries. It's one thing to be secretly in love with Scarlet Johansen or even that hot girl at hot dog on a stick but a completely different thing when it's a co-worker or friend that you have access to.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

I thought I would post an update.

My wife and I had a long, civil discussion about the friend. I told her that if we are to mend our relationship, the friend needs to be out of the picture. She concurred and is regaining her resolve to mend things up between us. Granted, there are days when it looks kind of grim and her mind wonders off but, it becomes less and less as time goes by. That's a good thing. 

My wife is starting to perk up a bit. She actually complimented me with the way I have handled the whole ordeal. She anticipated that I would handle this whole thing in a rather hot-headed manner. Truth be known, I was a good bit surprised myself. I've seemed to gather strength from prayer and my time at the gym....that's all I have, which seems to be working what seems to be a true miracle. On my own, I hate to admit but, I'm just not that strong....emotionally or mentally.

Anyway, my wife's smile has returned, she laughs at my silly jokes again and she looks to feel more positive than she has in recent weeks. I am working hard to earn her trust and love back. It was hard at first to say "I love you" to her and not receive the same in return....and I understood why it was hard for her to say it back. It was a pretty empty feeling and one-sided but, ever now and then, she will return an "I love you, too" back and I gain a little more confidence that I am doing what it takes to win her heart again.

As a side-bar, we've started dating again which has dramatically improved our relationship. We have used this time to talk over some of the failures she and I had in communication while enjoying dinner and a glass of wine. Admittedly, there were some tense moments in discussion where she vented her frustration with me. I simply listened. She eventually found her way back to reasonable calm and apologized for being short with me. I told her that no apology was necessary and I needed to hear what she was feeling in order for me to make corrections.

Our sex life has improved substantially. My wife says she is making up for lost time which is leaving me a tad on the ragged side. At her request, mornings at the gym have gone from 5 days a week to 3, due to morning snuggle time. All good....

Anyway, I appreciate you guys hearing me out and reassuring me on things. Our marriage situation is looking positive. I hope and pray that it continues.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Dan-O,

I'm so glad to hear things are looking up for you both. Everything you are doing is great!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

swedish said:


> Dan-O,
> 
> I'm so glad to hear things are looking up for you both. Everything you are doing is great!


:iagree:

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Thanks Dan-O. It is great to hear when a couple begins to successfully turn things around. Keep up the great work. Both you you.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

There was a snafu last night.

After we had agreed to break off contact with the "friend/emotional affair" situation I found out something. It hurt me and I felt like we took a step back.

The other day, as I was sitting at a restaurant with my wife. I asked to borrow her cell phone to call my father about the return of our oldest daughter, who has been staying with him at his farm for the week.

Looking for my father's number in her cell directory, I noticed that "the friend's" number was still in there as well. I politely asked her if she would remove it and she did without any hesitation. I deleted all the previously dialed/received calls on her cell phone after the call with my father....and while she had gone to the restroom.

A couple of days later, as she took the dog for a walk, I checked her call log on the cell phone. "The friend's" number was back in there and the call log revealed that she made recent calls to him and received calls from him, since the restaurant.

Well....

I decided to just man up and take whatever comes at me, good or bad, to resolve this whole thing. I confronted her about the phone calls to him. She said she was discussing with him a book she had been reading. I asked if she thought she was breaking our agreement. She said yes, lifted her eyebrow at me and retorted that I was spying on her. I asked her point blank if I could trust her. She calmly said, "yes"...with a giggle to boot. I was floored. My strength, understanding and will-power have all collapsed on me at once. 

Am I a complete shmuck? or am I just over-reacting?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

No you are not over reacting. No contact means no contact. Ever!!!! It is understandable that your wife may stub her toe she is human but she is not breaking contact. When asked to remove his number from her phone she knew what you were asking and she went ahead and contacted him anyway. You will need to calmly address this with her that she needs to break all contact forever or your marriage will not recover. Innocent or not. This may be hard for her and unfortunately she has mislead you already so your follow up may be necessary for a while. You have to carefully explain to her why you don’t feel you can trust her and why you need to “spy” on her actions. She’s not keeping up her part of the bargain. Good luck, continue on and try to improve as a couple. If she refuses to break contact you will need to look at your options.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You are not over reacting. If you did the same to her then she would be demanding you remove this other woman from our life.

She contridicts herslf by sayong that you can trust her yet admits that she did something against the contract you made.

draconis


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

In God we Trust -all others we monitor ! It is ok to spy in this case please don't get caught Spying- Oh, I meaning monitoring. That could cause a -Complete Break Down.


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## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

Oh, to late I just saw the post- You told her.


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## Dan-O (Jul 22, 2008)

Update.

Things are still pretty much up in the air right now. The other day, I noticed my wife acting a little strange and asked her to sit down with me and talk for awhile.

I asked her what was on her mind. She said, "I'm still not sure about what I want."...meaning our relationship. I asked her if she felt that I was holding up my end of the bargain. She stated that I had been doing wonderful. So, I had to ask what else could be bothering her.

My wife told me that she thought if she obtained her degree she would be happy; that if she married, she would be happy; that if she had children she would be happy; that if her husband would change, she would be happy...

All of the things that she thought would make her happy, have fallen short of her goals for happiness.

So, without asking her what makes her happy, I told her what makes me happy. I said, "The smell of fresh-baked, chocolate chip cookies, my son's expression after catching his first fish, my daughter bringing me a glass of lemonade after a couple of hours yard work in the afternoon sun."

I told her that, for me, happiness comes in small chunks and wasn't something that was turned on like electricity 24/7. 

After I told her what made me happy, I then asked her what makes her happy. She was silent for a long time then confessed she genuinely didn't know what makes her happy.

She also made a short mention of not feeling successful in her life. Of course, I was stunned with her statement of not being able to identify anything that made her happy for a least a split second.

Anyone want to take a stab at this?

Thanks
Dan-O


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## Niske (Aug 18, 2008)

For me I'm letting go. Life is to short. If she wants to be with another then there is nothing I can do about it but let her go, be there for the kids and heal the best way I know how. 


N


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

basically, your wife seems sad. it's probably hard for her to know who she is anymore. everything has turned upside down! you're doing great though! it seems like you are in touch with her emotions. asking her to sit down & talk really shows her that you care. keep working on you & taking care of her the best you can. it may take time for her to come around. good luck!


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## robin (Aug 24, 2008)

That is great that you are being very supportive and comforting towards her. I hope your also taking care of you. I hope everything works out.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Wow Dan-O. the way you talked to her was really beautiful. You didnt become defensive or threatened by her unhappiness at all. that says a lot. It sounds like you have really helped her become aware of a problem with herself. 

You are right, she doesn't know what makes her happy. She thinks all these big things will be it, but she's not looking at the little things in her present that do. she needs to be ok with who she is today in order to be happy.


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## OrinTyie (Oct 7, 2008)

Dan-O said:


> I'm a computer guru, she is computer illiterate. I installed a piece of software that I use to monitor what she is surfing but, more importantly who she is chatting with. Shame on me but, I absolutely have to know how deep the rabbit hole goes.


Totally feel ya man. Going through something similar with my wife that I just posted about here. Didn't go as far as you did with the computer stuff but guessed her password and went in. Felt terrible doing it and will not do it again. Can't agree with those that said you did no wrong on this one. Personally I fessed up to it and pledged to never do it again. My take on it was she broke my trust and I turn around and break hers by doing that. Couldn't do it again for fear of messing up. 

All situations are different of course. In my case I trust her to not communicate if she says she's not going to. There is still a bit of fear if they talk at some point later I have no way of knowing but that fear is normal I'd say at this stage in the game.


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