# Is fighting once a week normal??



## TalkAboutIt

I need some advice. I dont know who to go to. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years now and married for only 1.5. I was 22 when we got married and he was 26. We love each other alot and we both dont know what we do without each other. But he and I fight at minimum once a week. Its really stupid fights, we've never fought about money, childen, our future, nothing that would deserve a real fight. But for some reason, we get into these screaming matches about stupid stuff, ex: something I want to do vs. something he wants to do, or something he would say that would offend me and he'd go into defense mode and the fire is lit.
I talk alot about wanting to just end it while we dont have any children to really tie us down. Sometimes we both cry in the end because we are so desperate to stop this nonsense and just enjoy each other. 
The thing is that we understand what we are doing and that its stupid and only driving us apart, but for some reason when we are in the moment, we just lose it and go off. What di we do? I've lost hope for us. To me, this is not a normal relationship, but maybe Im wrong, I hope I am. Maybe if we have children, we will have a new focus? Or maybe it will give us something new to fight about?
Should I walk away? 
Please help.


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## magnoliagal

It takes two to argue. And do NOT have children until you can learn to communicate without yelling at each other. Trust me they will NOT give you a new focus they will only give you more ammo to argue over. My dh and I never argued until we had kids.

What I'd suggest is you learn how to quit getting sucked into yet another argument. Learn some communication skills and how to deflate a charged situation. Might not work if you are married to a true blue hot head but it's worth a try.


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## greenpearl

I don't think that's normal! 

I read an article before, the writer says once a month is normal for a couple, once a week between parents and children, once a day at least between siblings. 

I don't like the feeling of being upset, I don't like the heavy chest feeling. 

Now I really view arguments and fights over small things are wasting life! 

Instead of fighting and arguing, I can use the same time doing something more positive and productive. 

Since it is important for me not to get upset, I just tell myself not to let these small things bother me. 

Buddhism wisdom really helps me become peaceful. It really teaches me not to take things too seriously! 

When my husband and I disagree, I just tell myself winning an argument is useless, keep on arguing and try to prove I am right is useless, because I am wasting our precious time. And I know clearly winning my husband's heart is more important. 

When my husband sees me more giving, he is more giving too! If I mention that we do things he likes, then he will make sure next time we do things I like! 

It sounds that you and your husband love each other a lot, neither of you like this kind of toxic fight. I think adopting a humble attitude is important, respect his idea, respect his opinion. When he sees you take the initiative to meet his needs, in return, he will think more of you next time!


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## Ten_year_hubby

TalkAboutIt said:


> To me, this is not a normal relationship, but maybe Im wrong, I hope I am. Maybe if we have children, we will have a new focus? Or maybe it will give us something new to fight about?
> Should I walk away?
> Please help.


I am very suspicious of any couple that never fights. The number of fights and interval between them may differ widely for many reasons, family background being a big one. My wife and I fight at least every week and usually more. This would not be my preference but that's what we do.

Having kids will definitely result in more fights but I hardly think this is any reason not to do it. Hormonal fluctuations in the woman and a necessary diversion of attention away from the man are just two of the many factors in effect after childbirth.

And I certainly wouldn't walk away over this, I think that might be kind of silly


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## Leah L

Ok, the good part is that your fights are over silly things, nothing critical! 

And its true that no fighting is not good. I was in a 13 yr LTR and we did NOT fight. What it meant is that we never learned to work through problems so the first real relatively minor issue blew us apart. So occasional arguing can be a good thing, you don't hold onto resentments, problem solve etc.

So the other good part I see is that you are both upset by the arguing - you are on the same page there! That is great, seriously! If you are both willing, perhaps read some of the books/articles by John Gottman, I think its called the 7 principles of a successful marriage. There are a few books that I found helpful.

You have time for kids, work on your marriage first, kids will be a big strain so you will need a solid foundation first.

Best, Leah


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## Jamison

I replied in the same thread you have in another section.


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## TalkAboutIt

Thanks for the replies. Leah L, I have read the 7 Principles of a Successful Marriage. Dont know how well it helped, it did give me some perspective though. 
They say that people who share a personality shouldn't be together because then you tend to clash. I feel like our personality of being stubborn is a huge downfall.
Another thing with us is that we are both the youngest (babies) of our families and so we constantly go head to head on who should be the one to "get their way." We have alot of growing up to do, but in the meantime while we are growing up, we are tearing our relationship apart and I dont want it to end up in a divorce. I want to be happy with my husband. The love is there, just the fighting ruins everything. If it were constant fighting and ending it in an hour or two, I'd be able to deal with it. We go at it for hours.


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## Ten_year_hubby

TalkAboutIt said:


> f
> or some reason, we get into these screaming matches about stupid stuff, ex: something I want to do vs. something he wants to do, or something he would say that would offend me and he'd go into defense mode and the fire is lit.


This is very typical when there is some kind of underlying resentment or dissatisfaction that is not being verbalized and worked on in an effective fashion.

I remember 7 or 8 years ago I was reading a marriage counselor blog and the guy described an example of this where the couple got in a big fight over the wife forgetting something at the drug store.

A couple weeks later we were in a big fight and I realized I was really angry because my wife was supposed to pick up some cold medicine after work and she had forgotten. "This was us in the blog!" I though and the guy was completely right. I was feeling let down over a number of her personal failures that I couldn't talk about and the disappointment over the cough medicine just put me over the edge.

Anyway, we're not really any better now but I gotten more used to it. I can't say we won't get divorced but it won't be over fighting


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## unbelievable

Do you both intensely communicate with each other frequently without "fighting"? I only ask because if we have gone a long time without any seriously meaningful interaction, I miss the intimacy of her undivided attention. I know I can get that by picking an argument with her. Kids do the same thing. They crave attention and if positive behavior doesn't get them attention, they'll act out to get it. You said y'all fight over stupid things. If the object of the fight doesn't justify the argument, it might be that the fight is about something else entirely or it could be that one or both of y'all need the other's attention. In a rather sick way, it goes like this...I have to be significant to you in order for me to make you upset. If one (or both) are feeling insignificant or devalued, an argument is a guaranteed way of not feeling invisible. Bad passion is better than no passion and bad attention beats no attention. Sometimes, it's just a way of saying, "Hey! Look at me, damn-it!!".


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## Runs like Dog

Well the wife woke me up in the middle of night to complain about some vague buzzing coming out of one of the electrical outlets in another room. But since I didn't jump out of bed right away like the damn house was afire, she grumbled something about 'Well WTF don't you care if the house burns?!!!" That's when I really really lost it. Surprised the neighbors didn't call the cops. I was screaming like a lunatic with every filthy word that popped into my head. 

I couldn't hear a thing coming out of the outlet. Spent the next 20 mins replacing the outlet in the dark with a flashlight. Went to bed in another room. We haven't spoken since then. At all. Next time I will let the ****ing house burn. So if we don't speak to each other for a week, is that a once a week fight?


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## Jellybeans

^ Do you guys do that a lot, Runs? Not talking for awhile after fighting (in a pattern?)


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## Runs like Dog

Rather yes. But we don't fight all that much maybe once or twice a year where things really blow up. The rest of the time it's just simmering hostility. 

She has now been locked in our bedroom going on 12 hrs.


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## Jellybeans

Well that is good you don't fight a lot. But not so good about simmering hositility. 

Do you guys have kids?


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## Runs like Dog

Yes 3 boys 19, 22 and 25. The middle still lives at home.


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## Jellybeans

We had a lot of "simmering" something in my marrige too. It was not good. In the end, we were fighting a lot. It's the only serious relationship (serious) I've ever had before. I am afraid to be in a relationship where the dynamic turns like that again. I scared.


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## Runs like Dog

Yeah it sucks. It's like being married to a Joan Crawford type. You never know what will happen next. I think marriages can cause PTSD.


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## DepressedHusband

TalkAboutIt said:


> I need some advice. I dont know who to go to. My husband and I have been together for 4.5 years now and married for only 1.5. I was 22 when we got married and he was 26. We love each other alot and we both dont know what we do without each other. But he and I fight at minimum once a week. Its really stupid fights, we've never fought about money, childen, our future, nothing that would deserve a real fight. But for some reason, we get into these screaming matches about stupid stuff, ex: something I want to do vs. something he wants to do, or something he would say that would offend me and he'd go into defense mode and the fire is lit.
> I talk alot about wanting to just end it while we dont have any children to really tie us down. Sometimes we both cry in the end because we are so desperate to stop this nonsense and just enjoy each other.
> The thing is that we understand what we are doing and that its stupid and only driving us apart, but for some reason when we are in the moment, we just lose it and go off. What di we do? I've lost hope for us. To me, this is not a normal relationship, but maybe Im wrong, I hope I am. Maybe if we have children, we will have a new focus? Or maybe it will give us something new to fight about?
> Should I walk away?
> Please help.


 the best way to resolve this problem I had early in my marriage, There time you each set aside for yourselves and then there is time you set up to be with each other. 

Secondly arguing is like jockying for position. Who gets to lead today. Fighting in a relationship is actually the sign of a passionate relationship. That can be good, bad indifferent. What lots of couples get sucked into "especially young women" is the attention high and the adreneline rush the fight brings. 

You are going to have disagreements. But fighting can and is a addictive cycle of behavior, and it also can to some degree be beneficial to a relationship depending on what the arguments are about. 

My advice is try to be a bit more fleixable in your plans.


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## DepressedHusband

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah it sucks. It's like being married to a Joan Crawford type. You never know what will happen next. I think marriages can cause PTSD.


 the older I get the more I think its FAR to easy to get married and Way to difficult to get divorced.


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## Runs like Dog

I freely admit that what's holding me back is me. There are no external factors I can think of. I'm stuck. That's my addiction or weakness or whatever. I have issues with abandonment which is weird because I prefer to be alone. I must be pretty hard to live with but I picked out someone as messed up if not more messed up than I am.


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## Jellybeans

DepressedHusband said:


> the older I get the more I think its FAR to easy to get married and Way to difficult to get divorced.


This is soo freakin true.


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## luckyman

Most of the time, when my wife and I argue (I don't like using the word "fight" as it's too serious), it is my fault. I know, it takes two to tango, but typically, if I am not taking care of myself and I am hungry, or tired, I get edgy and I overreact to an issue that is really nothing. Like not wanting to go out, or visit in-laws, for example. 

How I express my emotions is an issue. I need to practice a healthy lifestyle that helps me to stay mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. When I don't, I can get edgy. My wife is pretty easy to get along with. We share the same values and really don't have much serious conflict, so taking care of myself helps us to stay peaceful.

If she or I say "I need to eat," we know that this is a serious issue that needs to be taken care of or an argument could ensue! If one of us is tired, we won't get into a serious conversation. We also know how to calm each other down. If she gets angry, I can tell immediately...when this happens, she needs a hug. She responds well to hugs when she is upset.


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## greenpearl

luckyman said:


> Most of the time, when my wife and I argue (I don't like using the word "fight" as it's too serious), it is my fault. I know, it takes two to tango, but typically, if I am not taking care of myself and I am hungry, or tired, I get edgy and I overreact to an issue that is really nothing. Like not wanting to go out, or visit in-laws, for example.
> 
> How I express my emotions is an issue. I need to practice a healthy lifestyle that helps me to stay mentally, emotionally and physically healthy. When I don't, I can get edgy. My wife is pretty easy to get along with. We share the same values and really don't have much serious conflict, so taking care of myself helps us to stay peaceful.
> 
> If she or I say "I need to eat," we know that this is a serious issue that needs to be taken care of or an argument could ensue! If one of us is tired, we won't get into a serious conversation. We also know how to calm each other down. If she gets angry, I can tell immediately...when this happens, she needs a hug. She responds well to hugs when she is upset.


I know my husband gets grouchy when he doesn't sleep well, so I make sure he gets enough sleep! Or I ask him to drink more coffee! Or I just don't try to start deep conversation! 

If he gets pissed off by somebody else, and talk to me with an impatient tone, I will tell him he shouldn't act like that. One time in Vancouver airport he got delayed because he didn't fill up a form and he was in a wrong line, after he came out of the customs, he told me what had happened. Then I asked him what he wanted to eat, he talked to me in an impatient tone, I just told him: Don't talk to me like that, it is not my fault! He realized and he became mild towards me right away!


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## JP1954

My wife is 65, I am 62. We fight every single week. We have only been married 6 years. I try to not get sucked in, but she does not get my signals, and by the time I have to out and out tell her to stop, I am am so pee'd off I end up yelling it at her. 
We then each isolated for about 3 days, we're good for maybe 5 or 6, and do it again. 
I hate to say it, but I avoid conflict at all costs... she does not seem to get it, and here we go again...


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## jb02157

Once a week is too much. Since what you fight about is minor stuff I think this is something that you can work through. Try both of you taking off an article for clothing every minute the fight goes on.


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## samyeagar

***Shhh*** The five and a half year old zombies might hear you...


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## MrsHolland

samyeagar said:


> ***Shhh*** The five and a half year old zombies might hear you...


I wonder if they are still married.


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## samyeagar

MrsHolland said:


> I wonder if they are still married.


That's one thing about these zombie threads...I do find myself sometimes wondering how things turned out.


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