# How much do you disclose



## Lila

After some back and forth with @Faithful Wife on the what are you thinking thread, I thought the topic of information disclosure would make a good thread for discussion. 

In general, how much information about your previous relationships do you disclose to a new partner? Do you believe in sharing details or keeping things superficial? Why?


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## Lila

As I mentioned in the other thread, I keep any discussion regarding my previous relationships at the 50,000 foot view level. I don't give details nor do I expect them from a partner. This includes all topics, not just sexual. 

I'm a firm believer that too much information can be just as bad as not enough when building a relationship. Too little can feel like the other person is hiding something. Too much can feel like we're stagnant beings with zero ability to change or grow. 

The reason we start new relationships is typically because the old one didn't work out and we want a blank slate. Hopefully we've learned from our mistakes and can move on.


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## minimalME

For me, I find sharing to be a problem across all my relationships. And maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive and/or unreasonable in my expectation of others.

But there's a vast difference between wanting to know someone verses wanting to know about someone. 

I find that most people focus on the latter, and I feel like the information I've offered in the past has been used as nothing more than fodder for gossip. The relationship isn't the priority - the information is.

And I've experienced this with family, friends and work associates.

It doesn't really seem to matter how honest or vulnerable I am. My words get twisted and used against me. Or it's just a matter of repeating things that should be kept to oneself.

Personally, I've dealt with this by simply not volunteering much anymore. If people have questions, I may or may not answer them, depending on the person and the context of the moment.

Unfortunately, I've discovered the hard way that it's more beneficial for me to share on forums with strangers than with the people in my life who supposedly love me and want the best for me.


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## Numb26

Well, in my situation I think I will have to keep it 100k feet. I am probably going to keep information about my previous relationship so vague that I will probably come across as hiding something.


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## arbitrator

Lila said:


> After some back and forth with @Faithful Wife on the what are you thinking thread, I thought the topic of information disclosure would make a good thread for discussion.
> 
> In general, how much information about your previous relationships do you disclose to a new partner? Do you believe in sharing details or keeping things superficial? Why?


*If in a dating or relationship mode, unless they put the royal squeeze on me for that information and I truly want them to know about it because of the sense of trust that I've come to build up with them, I just do not want to disclose anything to them, mostly out of the innate fear that anything I say would possibly repel or scare them off!

And by the very same token, I do not really want to endure hearing the precepts of their sad stories either, and never press for it!

In this particular incidence, "silence is truly golden!"

Soliciting a stranger for empathy and finding love can be a hard and relenting business!

Praying, talking to, and confiding to the Heavenly Father about such things is just so much easier! And often fulfilling!*


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## Lila

minimalME said:


> For me, I find sharing to be a problem across all my relationships. And maybe that's just me. Maybe I'm overly sensitive and/or unreasonable in my expectation of others.
> 
> But there's a vast difference between wanting to know someone verses wanting to know about someone.
> 
> I find that most people focus on the latter, and I feel like the information I've offered in the past has been used as nothing more than fodder for gossip. The relationship isn't the priority - the information is.
> 
> And I've experienced this with family, friends and work associates.
> 
> It doesn't really seem to matter how honest or vulnerable I am. My words get twisted and used against me. Or it's just a matter of repeating things that should be kept to oneself.
> 
> Personally, I've dealt with this by simply not volunteering much anymore. If people have questions, I may or may not answer them, depending on the person and the context of the moment.
> 
> Unfortunately, I've discovered the hard way that it's more beneficial for me to share on forums with strangers than with the people in my life who supposedly love me and want the best for me.


I feel your pain not because I've had information used against me (I keep personal information private) but because I've seen it with others. 

I respect and appreciate people who are vulnerable/unfiltered for their bravery but I'm not that person. It takes a special person to put themselves out there for judgement especially by people with their own skeletons in the closet.


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## Lila

Numb26 said:


> Well, in my situation I think I will have to keep it 100k feet. I am probably going to keep information about my previous relationship so vague that I will probably come across as hiding something.


You should share as much as you're comfortable sharing. 

My rule of thumb for sharing is whether the information is directly impacting my current dating partner or relationship. If it's taking up mental space where I'm distracted or physically affecting the relationship, disclose. If not, keep it to yourself.


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## Lila

arbitrator said:


> *If in a dating or relationship mode, unless they put the royal squeeze on me for that information and I truly want them to know about it because of the sense of trust that I've come to build up with them, I just do not want to disclose anything to them, mostly out of the innate fear that anything I say would possibly repel or scare them off!
> 
> And by the very same token, I do not really want to endure hearing the precepts of their sad stories either, and never press for it!
> 
> In this particular incidence, "silence is truly golden!"
> 
> Soliciting a stranger for empathy and finding love can be a hard and relenting business!
> 
> Praying, talking to, and confiding to the Heavenly Father about such things is just so much easier!*


Bingo! I hate being judged as lacking but I think I hate pity more.


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## arbitrator

Lila said:


> Bingo! I hate being judged as lacking but I think I hate pity more.


*Absolutely, my dear!*


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## Livvie

That's a tough one. Too much is gross and off putting and invasive and not enough can be problematic in decision making re where your relationship goes with that person.

Not knowing enough about someone's history can be a hindrance in making your own choices about the kind of relationship you decide to have with someone, though. Information of the sort that if you had, you would not have continued to move forward.

For instance, if a man I date has a *history* of long term relationships that eventually didn't work out because there is a certain woman from his past he's not over and it's the main reason his relationships end--- but all I heard from him was watered down non specific "we had some areas of incompatibility" or "we decided to mutually go our separate ways" or " we didn't feel the same things for each other" or "we had different goals" I'd be completely unaware. 

Might be a bad example but maybe you know what I mean.


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## minimalME

I've mentioned this elsewhere, but the great thing about getting to know someone slowly at work or church or through hobbies is that they disclose through their behavior.

Do they show up on time? Do they work hard? How do they treat people?

This new concept of having sex immediately with a stranger and then sorting the rest out later is just nonsense - and it's doing nothing more than creating perpetual discontent.


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## RebuildingMe

I haven’t started dating yet but I feel I am getting healthy enough to get to that point soon. I plan on answering questions about my past to the extent a woman would want to know. I am not planning on volunteering specifics, nor would I hide them if specifically asked. However, if a woman got really hung up on my past and kept asking, I’d see that as a red flag.


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## Lila

Livvie said:


> That's a tough one. Too much is gross and off putting and invasive and not enough can be problematic in decision making re where your relationship goes with that person.
> 
> Not knowing enough about someone's history can be a hindrance in making your own choices about the kind of relationship you decide to have with someone, though. Information of the sort that if you had, you would not have continued to move forward.
> 
> For instance, if a man I date has a *history* of long term relationships that eventually didn't work out because there is a certain woman from his past he's not over and it's the main reason his relationships end--- but all I heard from him was watered down non specific "we had some areas of incompatibility" or "we decided to mutually go our separate ways" or " we didn't feel the same things for each other" or "we had different goals" I'd be completely unaware.
> 
> Might be a bad example but maybe you know what I mean.


I get what you're saying about trying to get to the root cause. Sometimes it's warranted. Other times, I would look at the symptoms and make a determination of whether or not this is something I could live with. In your example, I wouldn't be worried about the reasons for it. I would consider someone with a history of long term relationships that eventually didn't work out to be enough of a red flag to me to discontinue dating them.


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## Lila

minimalME said:


> I've mentioned this elsewhere, but the great thing about getting to know someone slowly at work or church or through hobbies is that they disclose through their behavior.
> 
> Do they show up on time? Do they work hard? How do they treat people?
> 
> This new concept of having sex immediately with a stranger and then sorting the rest out later is just nonsense - and it's doing nothing more than creating perpetual discontent.


I agree. I think these days that's called getting to know someone organically.


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## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I haven’t started dating yet but I feel I am getting healthy enough to get to that point soon. I plan on answering questions about my past to the extent a woman would want to know. I am not planning on volunteering specifics, nor would I hide them if specifically asked. However, if a woman got really hung up on my past and kept asking, I’d see that as a red flag.


Would you get into the weeds responding to questions or do you think keeping it at a 50,000 view is good enough?

For example, if a woman were to ask you why your marriage ended? Would you get into the details of the breakdown?


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## Girl_power

I tell them what I think is important Information that will be beneficial to our relationship. I will never say anything that would make my current boyfriend feel bad about himself. 
So for me, the damage that was caused in me from my relationship I think they need to know. Because we inherit broken people in our lives and we need to know if their brokenness is something that is compatible with the life we live.


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## Girl_power

I do not want to know that my partner was SO attracted to his ex, or they have amazing sexual connection, or they were their one true love and they were the one they got left. Even if that’s true, I will never feel good about hearing that. Ever. There is a way you can say something that will be productive but just hurtful Information.


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## Livvie

Lila said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> That's a tough one. Too much is gross and off putting and invasive and not enough can be problematic in decision making re where your relationship goes with that person.
> 
> Not knowing enough about someone's history can be a hindrance in making your own choices about the kind of relationship you decide to have with someone, though. Information of the sort that if you had, you would not have continued to move forward.
> 
> For instance, if a man I date has a *history* of long term relationships that eventually didn't work out because there is a certain woman from his past he's not over and it's the main reason his relationships end--- but all I heard from him was watered down non specific "we had some areas of incompatibility" or "we decided to mutually go our separate ways" or " we didn't feel the same things for each other" or "we had different goals" I'd be completely unaware.
> 
> Might be a bad example but maybe you know what I mean.
> 
> 
> 
> I get what you're saying about trying to get to the root cause. Sometimes it's warranted. Other times, I would look at the symptoms and make a determination of whether or not this is something I could live with. In your example, I wouldn't be worried about the reasons for it. I would consider someone with a history of long term relationships that eventually didn't work out to be enough of a red flag to me to discontinue dating them.
Click to expand...

Lila, how old are you? Because at my dating age range (late 40 ish to early 50 ish), if you are single, by default you have a history of long term relationships that didn't work out (if you are someone who has engaged in relationships in your life)!


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## Not

I think it depends and will vary. Different people have had different experiences so one person may require more information about my sexual past, as an example, then another would before they felt secure on that topic with me. For me personally, I need more information on why past relationships didn’t work out because I’m looking for signs of dishonesty and manipulation. I’m trying to avoid something very specific.

I’m the open book type but my personal past was very quiet and uneventful, I have nothing to hide out of fear or shame that it’ll make me look bad but I know not everyone’s past is so clean and there are things that aren't going to want to be shared for fear of being judged and/or rejected. My personal philosophy on that is I’d rather know the messed up screwed up truth no matter how bad it is over some pretty sugar coated fluffy lie. We’re all messed up in one way or another. For me, being wide open on the bad stuff is just as meaningful as being wide open on the good stuff. I don’t require absolute brutal honesty from someone but I’m open to someone being that vulnerable with me. 

I ran into this with B. I asked him one night if he had ever cheated on a significant other. His answer was no but I could see by the look on his face and his slumped shoulders that he lied and I knew why he lied. He knew I was the type who wouldn’t stay with someone who had cheated. I would have respected him so much more if he had told the truth. I still would have broken up with him but it would have been for reasons that were just and fully within my right, which can never be a bad thing. If you’re an honest person you’ll understand that and accept the person choosing not to be with you, it’s a mutual respect thing. After we broke up I did find out he had cheated on his ex wife.


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## .339971

It's probably best to mention it at all. Too much talk about a previous relationship may tell them you're stuck in the past and it may not progress any further than X number of dates. It just raises too many red flags if the talk is excessive.


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## ConanHub

Lila said:


> After some back and forth with @Faithful Wife on the what are you thinking thread, I thought the topic of information disclosure would make a good thread for discussion.
> 
> In general, how much information about your previous relationships do you disclose to a new partner? Do you believe in sharing details or keeping things superficial? Why?


I think this is a great topic. It can be the worst minefield with certain people, or just annoying with others or even bonding with the right person.

I don't care about a partner's past at all as long as it is solidly in the past.

My standards aren't lax so if a woman gets my attention, she has already earned enough interest from me to go forward and that is where my interest is. I have found no value in trying to mull over or relive the bad old days. Learning from the past is important but only in so much as it helps you make better choices.

Mrs. C and I did eventually talk about our pasts but sometimes it was for fun and laughter and other times it was to help each other work through some painful stuff.

We did need to work through her two marriages and what happened and what went wrong. It wasn't to beat her up and she felt safe with me to help me understand the dynamic of her divorces.

Our first week was almost non stop sex and neither of us gave a rip about anything except getting it on.:smile2:

I only think pasts should be discussed when you both know you are committed and going forward together and feel safe. If it isn't serious enough to get married, or any variation of that level of serious commitment, then I don't see a good reason to bring the past up.

As far as certain details like sex acts, body dimensions, etc.. of past partners? I don't see this as necessary at all. It could be fun if you're both in a fun mood but trust and security have to be solid.

Past partner count? It is important to some people. I guess it might be necessary in some cases but would obviously be an end to some relationships because it is a no go area for some as well.

I would need to know about past partners that we might interact with. I think that is only fair play on both sides.

I would not want to be blindsided and I definitely wouldn't want my partner caught off guard either.


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## Lila

Livvie said:


> Lila, how old are you? Because at my dating age range (late 40 ish to early 50 ish), if you are single, by default you have a history of long term relationships that didn't work out (if you are someone who has engaged in relationships in your life)!


I'm in my mid 40s. 

Maybe I misunderstood what you meant when you mentioned a "history" of long term relationships. I interpreted that to mean, for example, someone who has been in 10+ "long term" (>6 month) relationships and can't seem to make it to 2 years with anyone or can't make it to the altar.


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## ConanHub

minimalME said:


> But there's a vast difference between wanting to know someone verses wanting to know about someone.
> 
> The relationship isn't the priority - the information is.


This is very clear thinking and I really appreciate it.

It sums up what I was clumsily trying to express in my post.


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## Lila

ConanHub said:


> I think this is a great topic. It can be the worst minefield with certain people, or just annoying with others or even bonding with the right person.
> 
> I don't care about a partner's past at all as long as it is solidly in the past.
> 
> My standards aren't lax so if a woman gets my attention, she has already earned enough interest from me to go forward and that is where my interest is. I have found no value in trying to mull over or relive the bad old days. Learning from the past is important but only in so much as it helps you make better choices.
> 
> Mrs. C and I did eventually talk about our pasts but sometimes it was for fun and laughter and other times it was to help each other work through some painful stuff.
> 
> We did need to work through her two marriages and what happened and what went wrong. It wasn't to beat her up and she felt safe with me to help me understand the dynamic of her divorces.
> 
> *Our first week was almost non stop sex and neither of us gave a rip about anything except getting it on.:smile2:*
> 
> I only think pasts should be discussed when you both know you are committed and going forward together and feel safe. If it isn't serious enough to get married, or any variation of that level of serious commitment, then I don't see a good reason to bring the past up.
> 
> As far as certain details like sex acts, body dimensions, etc.. of past partners? I don't see this as necessary at all. It could be fun if you're both in a fun mood but trust and security have to be solid.
> 
> Past partner count? It is important to some people. I guess it might be necessary in some cases but would obviously be an end to some relationships because it is a no go area for some as well.
> 
> I would need to know about past partners that we might interact with. I think that is only fair play on both sides.
> 
> I would not want to be blindsided and I definitely wouldn't want my partner caught off guard either.


The bolded brings me to what I mean with regards to how much information do you disclose to a new partner. Would you disclose that information when someone asks you "how did you and Mrs. C meet?"

When I am asked how I met my ex husband, my answer is "in college". I am not going to say "well, we were at a Rave and I was high on MDMA tripping balls". I'm not going to get into details that mean nothing to my current partner.


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## Not

I guess my response was a product of my past experiences. This thread is more about about how much to disclose when first meeting someone and not for established short term relationships. I guess I sort of see a three month long relationship as very similar to first meeting someone. At three months there’s still a lot to learn and the opening up phase is still ongoing.

My past experience has led to big issues of trust due to the fact that things were withheld from me for a very long period of time. Very important things. Incest and gay sex. If I had known from the get go, I never would have dated him let alone married him. Hence my response about being as wide open as possible.


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## ConanHub

Lila said:


> The bolded brings me to what I mean with regards to how much information do you disclose to a new partner. Would you disclose that information when someone asks you "how did you and Mrs. C meet?"
> 
> When I am asked how I met my ex husband, my answer is "in college". I am not going to say "well, we were at a Rave and I was high on MDMA tripping balls". I'm not going to get into details that mean nothing to my current partner.


If Mrs. C ever passed away, I'm unsure if I would marry again.

If I did find someone that I wanted to marry, there wouldn't be those specific details discussed.

Those are more private. If my new wife and I wanted to discuss the details later into our relationship and well after we had solidified and grown our marriage, I wouldn't mind in the right atmosphere.

Our current marriage would be the most important consideration anyway and past details of past relationships would only be shared if we mutually agreed.


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## Lila

Not said:


> I guess my response was a product of my past experiences. This thread is more about about how much to disclose when first meeting someone and not for established short term relationships. I guess I sort of see a three month long relationship as very similar to first meeting someone. At three months there’s still a lot to learn and the opening up phase is still ongoing.
> 
> My past experience has led to big issues of trust due to the fact that things were withheld from me for a very long period of time. Very important things. Incest and gay sex. If I had known from the get go, I never would have dated him let alone married him. Hence my response about being as wide open as possible.


I see why things would need to be more detailed for you to feel comfortable. 

Maybe I'm just jaded and pessimistic but do you think those people who cheated on previous partners, or who were in incestual relationships, or who participated in gay sex would disclose it even if asked?


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## RebuildingMe

Lila said:


> Would you get into the weeds responding to questions or do you think keeping it at a 50,000 view is good enough?
> 
> For example, if a woman were to ask you why your marriage ended? Would you get into the details of the breakdown?


Early on, I wouldn’t get into the weeds. I’d keep it at the 50,000 view. If we developed a relationship and only if she wanted additional details, I would provide. I wouldn’t hide anything. If she kept coming back for more and more details or asking questions I felt I gave her enough detail on, I’d think about moving on from her. 

Mind you, this is all theory at this point, because I haven’t been on a date. I need some practice runs, lol. Is there anyplace for mock dating?


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## Livvie

Lila said:


> Not said:
> 
> 
> 
> I guess my response was a product of my past experiences. This thread is more about about how much to disclose when first meeting someone and not for established short term relationships. I guess I sort of see a three month long relationship as very similar to first meeting someone. At three months there’s still a lot to learn and the opening up phase is still ongoing.
> 
> My past experience has led to big issues of trust due to the fact that things were withheld from me for a very long period of time. Very important things. Incest and gay sex. If I had known from the get go, I never would have dated him let alone married him. Hence my response about being as wide open as possible.
> 
> 
> 
> I see why things would need to be more detailed for you to feel comfortable.
> 
> Maybe I'm just jaded and pessimistic but do you think those people who cheated on previous partners, or who were in incestual relationships, or who participated in gay sex would disclose it even if asked?
Click to expand...

I think there are some people who would be honest. Some wouldn't. This whole dating thing at an older age (people have more/longer history) is problematic.


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## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> Early on, I wouldn’t get into the weeds. I’d keep it at the 50,000 view. If we developed a relationship and only if she wanted additional details, I would provide. I wouldn’t hide anything. If she kept coming back for more and more details or asking questions I felt I gave her enough detail on, I’d think about moving on from her.
> 
> Mind you, this is all theory at this point, because I haven’t been on a date. I need some practice runs, lol. *Is there anyplace for mock dating?*


LOL, it's called speed dating.


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## ConanHub

Here is an example from my dating past. Take from it what you will.

One young lady I was dating made it a point to let me know that she had done some work in the porn industry.

She wanted to be upfront before we got serious. We had just talked up to that point and she wanted to try dating me. She was worried about what I would think but my only concern was how it impacted her.

We dated for about a month and I called it quits. Her past didn't bother me but it was still an open wound for her.

She needed healing and was not ready for a relationship yet.

I was very glad she was up front with that information however.

Something like that should be considered before starting a relationship.

Obviously, she has to be careful about who she wants to date. She had known me for a while and knew she could trust me. I've never told a soul.


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## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> Mind you, this is all theory at this point, because I haven’t been on a date. I need some practice runs, lol. Is there anyplace for mock dating?



Dating is practice runs! There are dating coaches, though, but never tried one.

I think that I tend to volunteer too much information. Its hard to talk about my life without volunteering too much after being with one person for 28 years.


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## Not

Lila said:


> I see why things would need to be more detailed for you to feel comfortable.
> 
> Maybe I'm just jaded and pessimistic but do you think those people who cheated on previous partners, or who were in incestual relationships, or who participated in gay sex would disclose it even if asked?



I’m not sure what I think people would do if asked. Maybe some would? That part of my history will be brought up and I will ask about deviant sexual pasts. I feel fairly confident the chances of me running into someone with a sexual past like my exes is probably not likely so I think, for the most part, that part of the conversation will go fairly smoothly. But I will put it out there and make it clear I want no part of anything like that. 

As for cheating, I think that’s something that would be literally impossible to hide for very long. B should have known I’d eventually find out if we had stayed together. People talk and they talk a lot lol!


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## Faithful Wife

attheend02 said:


> I think that I tend to volunteer too much information. Its hard to talk about my life without volunteering too much after being with one person for 28 years.


It’s true that when you’ve been with someone that long, so much of your life experiences includes your ex that it’s hard to get around talking about them too. It kind of takes practice. You learn how to just share broad details and not specific ones. But you should definitely censor yourself and find ways to talk about the past without including your ex.

Like if a new date asks have you ever been to Europe, and you have but it was a romantic vacation with the ex, it’s fine to say yes I have but then you just don’t offer more, you ask if they have as well or ask if they did what was their favorite city or attraction. Then maybe change the subject altogether so that you don’t end up talking about things you did with the ex on the trip.

However for me, if it’s an established relationship like 6 months or more, I may share more details. It kind of depends for me on how I perceive their jealousy levels. If they are not the jealous type at all and also aren’t digging for info, then sharing more about a romantic trip in the course of conversation is fine with me. By that I don’t mean “oh we shagged in 15 different cities in 7 days”, of course.

I’m not jealous or threatened by what someone did with their ex. It has nothing to do with me. I can’t really recall anyone telling me more than I wanted to know or telling me things that seemed inappropriate. If they do share something about a romantic trip it’s always just because the topic came up in conversation naturally.


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## Livvie

attheend02 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> 
> Mind you, this is all theory at this point, because I haven’t been on a date. I need some practice runs, lol. Is there anyplace for mock dating?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Dating is practice runs! There are dating coaches, though, but never tried one.
> 
> I think that I tend to volunteer too much information. Its hard to talk about my life without volunteering too much after being with one person for 28 years.
Click to expand...

Do you mean you are married and in being with someone so long eventually most of your past details have been revealed to them over time, OR that having been with your ex for so long it's hard not to talk about them to someone new because you experienced so much with that person?

If it's the latter situation: I've heard divorced guys even after years of being divorced still routinely in conversation use "we" instead of "I" when talking about their experiences/hobbies/interests and after a bit it gets VERY old. 

Instead of "I went to Italy in my thirties" they say "we went to Italy" things like that. Or "we" used to live in Vermont. We used to vacation in the Caribbean. We used to go camping every summer. All of that can be relayed as "I" statements.

Edited to add: the repeated use of the pronoun we when referring to an ex--- like I discussed above--- usually means that person hasn't completely moved on from thinking of themselves as part of that past couple. I'm divorced after a pretty long term marriage and I'd be hard pressed to casually mention my ex and myself as a "we" unless I was very deliberately talking about that relationship.


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## Not

attheend02 said:


> Dating is practice runs! There are dating coaches, though, but never tried one.
> 
> *I think that I tend to volunteer too much information. Its hard to talk about my life without volunteering too much after being with one person for 28 years*.


I prefer talkers but I’m the type who likes to listen to people talk about their lives. You learn a lot about someone not only from the information they share but also by listening to how their perceptions on their life events have changed over the years.


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## RebuildingMe

I didn’t look at this question about sharing too much about our sexual past and what we did and didn’t do sexually with our ex’s. I took this topic to mean how much to share about why it didn’t work and the risk that the new potential person would make assumptions based upon that. I’ll be divorced x2. I’m sure they’ll be a lot of assumptions about me right out of the gate.


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## Faithful Wife

Lila said:


> When I am asked how I met my ex husband, my answer is "in college". I am not going to say "well, we were at a Rave and I was high on MDMA tripping balls". I'm not going to get into details that mean nothing to my current partner.


Just for conversation here....but what if a new partner would be totally against someone who has ever done drugs and you know this. Would you just next them? I think a lot of people would withhold certain things so as not to be rejected such as in this example. So then we are left with a thing where we want to know about things they did that would be deal breakers to us, but we don’t want to tell them things that would be deal breakers to them (if we consider the deal breaker to be irrelevant because it won’t happen again or whatever).

I try to suss out what kind of deal breakers a new date has early on to see if I have things that would be a problem for them in my past. 

For instance, I am bi sexual but don’t currently date women. Some guys would definitely think this is a red flag and others would think it means I’m a wild crazy ****, and others would think it’s no big deal. Through listening to a guy talk generally about orientation or about previous experiences and girlfriends, I can kind of determine which way they are leaning. I have no reason to share this about myself with a new date, but if I come to feel he would be all freaked out by it I’ll usually just pass. Also if he ends up being homophobic at all, pass. 

At the same time if a new date was bi sexual himself, I would want to know. Yet if he didn’t disclose it I would understand why because I’m in the same boat. It gets tricky. We want to know about them so we can make decisions, but we don’t want to be totally open to them about the same things sometimes.


----------



## attheend02

Livvie said:


> Do you mean you are married and in being with someone so long eventually most of your past details have been revealed to them over time, *OR that having been with your ex for so long it's hard not to talk about them to someone new because you experienced so much with that person?*
> 
> If it's the latter situation: I've heard divorced guys even after years of being divorced still routinely in conversation use "we" instead of "I" when talking about their experiences/hobbies/interests and after a bit it gets VERY old.
> 
> Instead of "I went to Italy in my thirties" they say "we went to Italy" things like that. Or "we" used to live in Vermont. We used to vacation in the Caribbean. We used to go camping every summer. All of that can be relayed as "I" statements.


I definitely have to work on the I vs. We.


----------



## Not

Thinking about this topic some more.....

My marriage was so totally dysfunctional, leaning toward abusive. It’s a huge part of my past but I’m so far past it that it’s become totally irrelevant to my present life. It just simply doesn’t matter but when answering questions about my past relationships it feels so dishonest to leave that out. Like leaving that out leaves the other person with an inaccurate impression of me. I still have not figured out how to handle that part.


----------



## Lila

Faithful Wife said:


> Just for conversation here....but what if a new partner would be totally against someone who has ever done drugs and you know this. *Would you just next them? *I think a lot of people would withhold certain things so as not to be rejected such as in this example. So then we are left with a thing where we want to know about things they did that would be deal breakers to us, but we don’t want to tell them things that would be deal breakers to them (if we consider the deal breaker to be irrelevant because it won’t happen again or whatever).
> 
> I try to suss out what kind of deal breakers a new date has early on to see if I have things that would be a problem for them in my past.
> 
> For instance, I am bi sexual but don’t currently date women. Some guys would definitely think this is a red flag and others would think it means I’m a wild crazy ****, and others would think it’s no big deal. Through listening to a guy talk generally about orientation or about previous experiences and girlfriends, I can kind of determine which way they are leaning. I have no reason to share this about myself with a new date, but if I come to feel he would be all freaked out by it I’ll usually just pass. Also if he ends up being homophobic at all, pass.
> 
> At the same time if a new date was bi sexual himself, I would want to know. Yet if he didn’t disclose it I would understand why because I’m in the same boat. It gets tricky. We want to know about them so we can make decisions, but we don’t want to be totally open to them about the same things sometimes.


Yes, I would next them. 

Like you, I do try to suss out their boundaries. I am also very vocal about mine. I would hope they would "next" me too if they happen to be overstepping one of my boundaries.


----------



## ConanHub

Is that Harley?:smile2:


----------



## notmyjamie

Numb26 said:


> Well, in my situation I think I will have to keep it 100k feet. I am probably going to keep information about my previous relationship so vague that I will probably come across as hiding something.


It’s funny, we are in similar situations and I was very honest with my boyfriend. I’ve found it helpful for him to know as it explains certain insecurities and fears I have and it’s good for him to understand where they come from. He’s been really good about helping me through some stuff and giving me certain things I might need that he might not have had to do in previous relationships. I’m glad I told him the truth about why my marriage broke up. 

I have never gotten specific about my sex life during my marriage except to say that it was very normal for many years and that’s why I was shocked to discover what I did about my exH. He doesn’t want to know anything specific just as I don’t want to know specifics about him with anyone else.


----------



## Lila

ConanHub said:


> Is that Harley?:smile2:


Why yes. Yes it is. :grin2:>


----------



## attheend02

notmyjamie said:


> It’s funny, we are in similar situations and I was very honest with my boyfriend. I’ve found it helpful for him to know as it explains certain insecurities and fears I have and it’s good for him to understand where they come from. He’s been really good about helping me through some stuff and giving me certain things I might need that he might not have had to do in previous relationships. I’m glad I told him the truth about why my marriage broke up.
> 
> I have never gotten specific about my sex life during my marriage except to say that it was very normal for many years and that’s why I was shocked to discover what I did about my exH. He doesn’t want to know anything specific just as I don’t want to know specifics about him with anyone else.


I tend to think that it is more accepting for women to tell their insecurities and fears early on.

I'm thinking any sign of weakness from a man is not good... at least in the beginning.


----------



## Lila

Not said:


> Thinking about this topic some more.....
> 
> My marriage was so totally dysfunctional, leaning toward abusive. *It’s a huge part of my past but I’m so far past it that it’s become totally irrelevant to my present life*. It just simply doesn’t matter but when answering questions about my past relationships it feels so dishonest to leave that out. Like leaving that out leaves the other person with an inaccurate impression of me.* I still have not figured out how to handle that part.*


You bring up a good point. For those they prefer to disclose moreso than others, how do you present your story so that it doesn't come off as looking for pity, or that you're still hung up on the past, or potentially scaring someone away? And I ask this is genuine curiosity. I did a few things to speed up my divorce that would probably send many men running as fast and as far away as possible. Few people know all of the details but I had to do what I had to do.


----------



## ConanHub

Lila said:


> Why yes. Yes it is. :grin2:>


I like.:wink2:


----------



## RebuildingMe

If you are going to share details, I think it should be in a fair way. If I was on a date with a woman telling me how bad her ex treated her, she didn’t deserve it, and she didn’t share details about her role in the demise of the M, I’d run for the hills. It would show me that she is not a self reflective person. It would also show me she still holds a lot of anger towards him inside. That’s not what I want to get involved with.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Honesty is always an at ground level action... fear almost always causes us to speak in ways that benefit ourselves where truthful sharing and communication is shared to benefit others. How much we volunteer is also formed on how much trust we feel in our lives, if we are just beginning to know someone and are living in the echoes of distrust, trust will be hard, or move slowly at best until trust is embraced.

I feel a blank slate is done after the first "hello"... some thoughts are formed immediately from the outline of a person's face and sound of their voice, after that the slate has begun formed presence.

Without an open mind and compassion, friendships end... if you want any relationship to continue, you must have continued mutual forgiveness. This is essential because at some point, some discussion in truth, a hurt will rise to the surface even if accepted as the past.

Especially when you hit a landmine from either you or your partner's past.

40,000 feet will not cut it then, truth needs air to breathe with a clear mind.

When AC and I started dating, my most profound fear I was recovering from was "disappointment"... I had been told how broken I was for so long, how I always failed to be a good partner, and from that if I felt I failed to meet a specific need and I looked at myself as failing again when a concern arose. If I had not the freedom to be honest and share how I came to understand why my last marriage was not just incompatible, it was toxically incompatible and the impact on me, we would have suffered if AC and I had not the compassion or patience to see how our actions and words aligned when truthful discussions came, our lack of trust would have weakened us.

Of course, being honest is like all things.. once you let it go you have no control over how it is received. Harmful and hurtful are two very different things. Hurtful may be the truth and helpful but harmful is just that. If suddenly your sharing is twisted into something it isn't, or you have false compassion then you have your answer very quickly on how healthy your relationship is.

Being honest with yourself is a lesson in being honest with others. As was stated by a poster earlier, wanting to know someone is rooted in trust and puts judgement aside, wanting to know about someone is ripe for judgement and lacks the potential of a trusting outcome.

We learn so much more from listening than interrogating, and listened-to people share.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> If you are going to share details, I think it should be in a fair way. If I was on a date with a woman telling me how bad her ex treated her, she didn’t deserve it, and she didn’t share details about her role in the demise of the M, I’d run for the hills. It would show me that she is not a self reflective person. It would also show me she still holds a lot of anger towards him inside. That’s not what I want to get involved with.


Really?

Sharing details about a past negative relationship doesn't automatically mean someone is holding a lot of anger. YOU could be assigning feelings to another person they don't actually have, which is really annoying.

I'd also be careful of other snap judgments. I have a long time friend who was totally ****ed over by her husband. He was straight up abusive, which came out some years into the marriage. She is a normal, nice woman. Her only "ROLE" was that she tried too long to give him, and the marriage, chances. 

There really are people-- men and women-- who single handedly ruin a marriage.


----------



## FeministInPink

How much I divulge will be determined by the state/commitment level of the relationship. Obviously, I'm not going to tell very much to someone I just met, but if it's a serious relationship, he's going to know about my past experiences because they are a big part of my life and, TBH, the reason behind some triggers that I have now. Conversely, I want to know how/why my partner's previous relationships ended. That can be quite revealing.

Even so, a partner in a serious relationship doesn't need to know everything. For example, sex details. I don't want to hear about my new guy and his ex in bed, and I doubt he wants to hear about my ex in that capacity. And it's also disrespectful to my ex. He didn't consent to me telling my new paramour about our sex life, and there are certain things I KNOW he wouldn't want me to disclose.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## MJJEAN

Lila said:


> After some back and forth with @Faithful Wife on the what are you thinking thread, I thought the topic of information disclosure would make a good thread for discussion.
> 
> In general, how much information about your previous relationships do you disclose to a new partner? Do you believe in sharing details or keeping things superficial? Why?


How much information I give and expect depends on the relationship. Casual? No disclosure necessary other than marital and STI status. Something serious? I give and expect full disclosure about a variety of subjects including relationships and sex. 

Why? I want to know the person I am with, who they are, what perspective they come from, the experiences that shaped them, what they would and would not do again, and so on. Also, I don't like surprises. People talk. I don't want to suddenly find out about that threeway with your ex and her GF because someone made a comment a few drinks in at a party.


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## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> Really?
> 
> Sharing details about a past negative relationship doesn't automatically mean someone is holding a lot of anger. YOU could be assigning feelings to another person they don't actually have, which is really annoying.
> 
> I'd also be careful of other snap judgments. I have a long time friend who was totally ****ed over by her husband. He was straight up abusive, which came out some years into the marriage. She is a normal, nice woman. Her only "ROLE" was that she tried too long to give him, and the marriage, chances.
> 
> There really are people-- men and women-- who single handedly ruin a marriage.


Yes really. For a majority of marriages, it takes two to destroy them. If someone couldn’t own up to or learn from their part of the destruction, I’d have no reason to want a relationship with that person.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> Really?
> She is a normal, nice woman. Her only "ROLE" was that she tried too long to give him, and the marriage, chances.


According to who? Her? Were you in the house to see all her interactions with her husband?

Listen, I'm not saying that one party isn't more to blame than another. It's rarely 50/50. It's also rarely 0/100 either. Whether is gaining weight, someone quits their job as a spouse to take on a f/t parenting role without letting the other suppose know, ignoring the other ones needs, dead bedroom, drinking too much, etc, they still contribute. The ones that can't see that, I will avoid thanks.


----------



## FeministInPink

RebuildingMe said:


> According to who? Her? Were you in the house to see all her interactions with her husband?
> 
> Listen, I'm not saying that one party isn't more to blame than another. It's rarely 50/50. It's also rarely 0/100 either. Whether is gaining weight, someone quits their job as a spouse to take on a f/t parenting role without letting the other suppose know, ignoring the other ones needs, dead bedroom, drinking too much, etc, they still contribute. The ones that can't see that, I will avoid thanks.


Where abuse is concerned, I'm going to give the abused party the benefit of the doubt. I don't care if you were a crappy wife, no one deserves to get smacked around.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## SpinyNorman

If it's something the previous partner wouldn't mind everybody knowing, I am comfortable sharing all. For example, "Sherry used to have a macaw, and one time it..."

OTOH if it involves personal stuff the identity will be left out. "I used to have a partner who used a diaphragm, and one time it..."


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## SpinyNorman

The Outlaw said:


> It's probably best to mention it at all. Too much talk about a previous relationship may tell them you're stuck in the past and it may not progress any further than X number of dates. It just raises too many red flags if the talk is excessive.


Depends what you mean by excessive. If someone mentions childhood or college from time to time, I don't assume they are stuck in the past. They can, however talk about either so much or in such a way that I'd think they were.


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## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Really?
> She is a normal, nice woman. Her only "ROLE" was that she tried too long to give him, and the marriage, chances.
> 
> 
> 
> According to who? Her? Were you in the house to see all her interactions with her husband?
> 
> Listen, I'm not saying that one party isn't more to blame than another. It's rarely 50/50. It's also rarely 0/100 either. Whether is gaining weight, someone quits their job as a spouse to take on a f/t parenting role without letting the other suppose know, ignoring the other ones needs, dead bedroom, drinking too much, etc, they still contribute. The ones that can't see that, I will avoid thanks.
Click to expand...

So.... you think that when with someone new and discussing past relationships, a woman should verbalize to you her "role" in the demise of a past ABUSIVE relationship-- to the point of drilling down to fault of gaining weight?

No, my friend didn't/doesn't drink too much. She didn't quit her job without telling her husband and was and is employed. There wasn't a dead bedroom and she was very interested in conecting with him. 

Believe it or not, some people are abusive--- physically or emotionally--- AND THERE IS NEVER ANY EXCUSE for it and certainly no role the abused need to acknowledge for contributing to it. 

Same with cheating. Will a woman who has been cheated on need to report to you her ROLE in her spouse cheating on her?


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## RebuildingMe

I’m not talking about cases of physical abuse. I agree that no one deserves that and I feel sorry for anyone who was or is in a relationship like that. As there is an exception to every rule, aside from those cases, I would look at is as a very major red flag if I was out with a woman who, when describing her failed marriage, put 100% of the blame on her ex. Which is pretty much what you are trying to do here.


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## RebuildingMe

I’ll also add, as a betrayed spouse in real life x2, yes in the cases of cheating, there is often an underlying marital issue. No, it doesn’t excuse the cheating, but it is there in a lot of cases. Again, it takes two for the destruction of a marriage. Everyone should own up to their part.


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## Casual Observer

RebuildingMe said:


> I haven’t started dating yet but I feel I am getting healthy enough to get to that point soon. I plan on answering questions about my past to the extent a woman would want to know. I am not planning on volunteering specifics, nor would I hide them if specifically asked. However, if a woman got really hung up on my past and kept asking, I’d see that as a red flag.


I think that's the best way to handle it. You know what you feel is an issue or not; you really need to find out what is the case for your potential partner. Discussions about privacy are every bit as important as discussions about boundaries.

If he or she wants to know more than you're comfortable discussing, then you explain it's something you'd rather not discuss, that some aspects of your past are private. Much better to learn if that's an issue earlier in the relationship, than later after plans have been made & executed.


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## attheend02

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll also add, as a betrayed spouse in real life x2, yes in the cases of cheating, there is often an underlying marital issue. No, it doesn’t excuse the cheating, but it is there in a lot of cases. Again, it takes two for the destruction of a marriage. Everyone should own up to their part.


I've taken this thread to be in the early dates..

I think this may be a little deep for the first couple of dates. 

I guess it depends on how quickly you connect. In my last relationship (4 month), we bonded over divorce discussion early on. I'm not sure that was a good thing, though.


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## minimalME

I'd say you'd present your version from a place of strength, which is to take responsibility and share what mistakes you've made and how you've grown, as opposed to whining and blaming. 

No matter how much truth there is to it, making the other person out to be the monster and you the victim is unattractive, and we all want someone we can admire and respect.



Lila said:


> For those they prefer to disclose moreso than others, how do you present your story so that it doesn't come off as looking for pity, or that you're still hung up on the past, or potentially scaring someone away?


----------



## Lila

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll also add, as a betrayed spouse in real life x2, yes in the cases of cheating, there is often an underlying marital issue. No, it doesn’t excuse the cheating, but it is there in a lot of cases. Again, it takes two for the destruction of a marriage. Everyone should own up to their part.


For the majority of infidelity cases, I would agree with your statement however some serial cheaters will cheat no matter how good their marriage happens to be. 

Whenever I'm asked why my marriage ended, I say that we drifted apart emotionally and he wasn't interested in doing the work to fix it. Was he seeing someone before he asked for the divorce? Yes but that was not the reason for the divorce. That was just his soft place to land.


----------



## Hiner112

RebuildingMe said:


> I haven’t started dating yet but I feel I am getting healthy enough to get to that point soon. I plan on answering questions about my past to the extent a woman would want to know. I am not planning on volunteering specifics, nor would I hide them if specifically asked. However, if a woman got really hung up on my past and kept asking, I’d see that as a red flag.


Yeah, I think this is me as well. I'm co-parenting with minor children for a couple years yet so my one long term relationship is kind of still relevant. There is a good chance that some of my perspective and habits have been skewed by the length and uniqueness (I only had one) of that relationship. If someone is freaked out by co-parents or can't steer me towards her normal instead of my ex's, it probably wouldn't work out long term anyway.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> I’ll also add, as a betrayed spouse in real life x2, yes in the cases of cheating, there is often an underlying marital issue. No, it doesn’t excuse the cheating, but it is there in a lot of cases. Again, it takes two for the destruction of a marriage. Everyone should own up to their part.


Untrue. It only takes one to destroy a marriage. You can't control someone else's behavior, and some people aren't able to provide a healthy relationship.


----------



## notmyjamie

RebuildingMe said:


> I’m not talking about cases of physical abuse. I agree that no one deserves that and I feel sorry for anyone who was or is in a relationship like that. As there is an exception to every rule, aside from those cases, I would look at is as a very major red flag if I was out with a woman who, when describing her failed marriage, put 100% of the blame on her ex. Which is pretty much what you are trying to do here.


I take zero blame in the demise of my marriage but it’s a pretty unique case. I‘ve been pretty open with my boyfriend though that I’m not perfect. 

One thing I really liked about him when we first met was that he never talked his ex down. After eight 
months though I’ve learned more of the problems they had but he always admits his role in their marriage ending. He never blames it all on her. 

If someone hasn’t learned from their past mistakes I don’t really want to be with them.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> Untrue. It only takes one to destroy a marriage. You can't control someone else's behavior, and some people aren't able to provide a healthy relationship.


It sounds to me that you are perfect. I don’t know your backstory, but apparently you are not to blame for anything. A unicorn. Good luck to you with that attitude while dating.


----------



## RebuildingMe

@minimalME @notmyjamie
I agree 100%. Own ones mistakes and learn from them to be in a healthier relationship moving forward. The blame game won’t get you very far with a new partner.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> Untrue. It only takes one to destroy a marriage. You can't control someone else's behavior, and some people aren't able to provide a healthy relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> It sounds to me that you are perfect. I don’t know your backstory, but apparently you are not to blame for anything. A unicorn. Good luck to you with that attitude while dating.
Click to expand...

What crawled up your ass?

At no point in this tedious discussion with you was I talking about myself or my relationships.

However, in this thread about how much to share or not share with a new partner---- you've shown yourself to be someone who could perhaps benefit from widening your perspective about the wildly differing relationship experiences people you may run across may have had. There really are nice people who have partners who go off the rails, and the one who didn't go off the rails isn't at fault. And yes....... it really can be only one who ruins a marriage.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> What crawled up your ass?


Nothing really. This was a discussion on what and what not to disclose. My point was that if I was with someone early on that blamed their long term marriage disintegrating on just what their ex did, I would see it as a red flag. Nothing more, nothing less. I could care less if you or your girlfriend thought she was a saint and still got screwed over. I promise you that chances are she wasn't perfect. No one is. Everyone contributes to a failed M. I'm not buying any bridges tonight so don't try to sell me one.


----------



## Livvie

RebuildingMe said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> 
> What crawled up your ass?
> 
> 
> 
> Nothing really. This was a discussion on what and what not to disclose. My point was that if I was with someone early on that blamed their long term marriage disintegrating on just what their ex did, I would see it as a red flag. Nothing more, nothing less. I could care less if you or your girlfriend thought she was a saint and still got screwed over. I promise you that chances are she wasn't perfect. No one is. Everyone contributes to a failed M. I'm not buying any bridges tonight so don't try to sell me one.
Click to expand...

Aren't you aware that there are really messed up people out there who do some spectacularly ****ed up things, that their spouse did nothing to contribute to, who single handedly ruin their marriage?

I can't block you from my phone, I can't find that option, but as soon as I get to a desktop version with that ability I will do so, so please don't bother replying. I won't see any of your posts anymore.


----------



## RebuildingMe

Livvie said:


> Aren't you aware that there are really messed up people out there who do some spectacularly ****ed up things, that their spouse did nothing to contribute to, who single handedly ruin their marriage?
> 
> I can't block you from my phone, I can't find that option, but as soon as I get to a desktop version with that ability I will do so, so please don't bother replying. I won't see any of your posts anymore.


Sounds like a very adult way to handle an internet disagreement. I'll consider myself blocked. Good luck to you.


----------



## PieceOfSky

It takes two to make a marriage work. Two can contribute fairly evenly to its demise. But, it’s quite easy for the behavior and nature of one alone to make the marriage non-viable. It doesn’t mean the other is a saint, or views him or herself as a saint. It’s a simple logical possibility.

It also doesn’t require physical abuse to make a marriage non-viable, or unwise to to endure. It doesn’t take abuse at all. 

Discovering the truth is difficult. Presenting it with high fidelity in conversation is difficult too. I tend to not take things I hear one person saying, in one or two conversations, permanently at face value. Rather, I tend to keep open possibilities and reevaluate as I get to know that other better, and match against patterns I’ve seen before. That’s the best I know how to do.

I also try to avoid thinking I already know the truth of a particular experience of another before I’ve heard the details, and before I’ve gone through the keep-listening-and-reevaluating process just described. 

Asserting that a generalization invalidates another’s particular personal experience isn’t likely to be helpful, and in certain contexts can be destructive, even cruel.


----------



## NextTimeAround

minimalME said:


> I'd say you'd present your version from a place of strength, which is to take responsibility and share what mistakes you've made and how you've grown, as opposed to whining and blaming.
> 
> No matter how much truth there is to it, making the other person out to be the monster and you the victim is unattractive, and we all want someone we can admire and respect.


I agree with this. And the more nasty that a guy put with someone and then moans about the relationship, the more weak that I see him. No a good image.

The guy I dated in college was like this about his ex, or maybe I should say, estranged gf. He would go from praising her about what a great mom she was to calling her a skank for cheating on him. I told him, "you did choose her." 

But now I realize that he was withholding other important info from me which made a difference in how I viewed things. Telling me that none of her kids were his made me think that he was trying to get back with her instead of being a responsible dad. So everyone really needs to be strategic in what info is given out and how it is displayed. 

Just in general, if a guy is duped / mistreated / whatever by the last one, he needs to frame the unravelling of his relationship as coming from a position of strength (ie after making a couple attempts to stay together, I decided I needed to end this relationship; Not, she put out because she thought the other guy was better ) and that any connection with her in the future will never occur. 

No one wants to feel as if they are dating a doormat. Especially, when it's other women who enjoy / have enjoyed of him.


----------



## redwingpentagon

When we met we had the whole past talk and you know it never really bothered me. We sharded our number and sometimes stories they are more funny than anything.


----------



## uhtred

If I were divorced and dating (which I'm not), I'd expect and provide honesty - BUT - very few questions. Just things that might directly impact the person I'm dating. I'd answer questions asked truly out of curiosity - but also keep in mind that one's ex deserves privacy as well.


----------



## SpinyNorman

To me context matters a lot. If we are on some related subject and a prospective SO mentions an ex did a crappy thing I think that is appropriate. OTOH, if shortly after meeting someone they seem really anxious to vilify an ex I think they doth protest too much. 

Also, if shortly after meeting someone they need to interrrogate me about how my past relationships ended, I am likely to skip ahead and tell them how this one ends.


----------



## leftfield

Addressing the original question. I have know idea how soon the topic of past relationships would come up, but guessing it comes up in a natural progression of the relationship, I personally would be open and share whatever was relevant to the topic. If the lady I was discussing things with gave me generalized answers, I would guess she didn't trust me or had things she didn't want me to know. Either way, I would invest my time somewhere else.

Reading through the comments here makes we wonder at what point in the relationship these things tend to come up. For example if this comes up on the first date then I could see why someone would not be forthcoming. On the other hand, if you are considering marriage or long term commitment and you still can't share then you might have problems.


----------



## Not

leftfield said:


> Addressing the original question. I have know idea how soon the topic of past relationships would come up, but guessing it comes up in a natural progression of the relationship, I personally would be open and share whatever was relevant to the topic. If the lady I was discussing things with gave me generalized answers, I would guess she didn't trust me or had things she didn't want me to know. Either way, I would invest my time somewhere else.
> 
> *Reading through the comments here makes we wonder at what point in the relationship these things tend to come up. * For example if this comes up on the first date then I could see why someone would not be forthcoming. On the other hand, if you are considering marriage or long term commitment and you still can't share then you might have problems.


To the bolded, I thought of that yesterday while reading this thread. It's probably going to depend on the personalities involved. I would have no problem talking about most anything on a first date, my recent x boyfriend was the same way but I can see how others might be more subdued. 

If both parties have no problem being that open on a first date I think that's a very good start and may be a very good sign! As a matter of fact, I wish it could always be that way.


----------



## Lila

leftfield said:


> Addressing the original question. I have know idea how soon the topic of past relationships would come up, but guessing it comes up in a natural progression of the relationship, I personally would be open and share whatever was relevant to the topic. If the lady I was discussing things with gave me generalized answers, I would guess she didn't trust me or had things she didn't want me to know. Either way, I would invest my time somewhere else.
> 
> Reading through the comments here makes we wonder at what point in the relationship these things tend to come up. For example if this comes up on the first date then I could see why someone would not be forthcoming. On the other hand, if you are considering marriage or long term commitment and you still can't share then you might have problems.


I was with my ex for 24 years and it never came up. He didn't want to hear about previous relationships and I really didn't give it much thought about his. 

Since my divorce, I haven't had anyone really ask me about anything like that.


----------



## Mr. Nail

I'm going to be that difficult date. I'm going to be the idiot that refuses to change all of his pronouns to Ze. I'm going to ask questions, because enquiring minds want to know, and if some do gooder tells me I don't need to know, I'll disregard their advice. 

I think more than anything this thread has demonstrated why the veteran of a 30 plus year relationship shouldn't date. The expected behavior is too divorced from the experienced reality. 

How can you develop emotional intimacy while hiding 70% of your self? Might as well date your fake filtered instagram photo.


----------



## BluesPower

I am completely open, about almost everything... 

And, I want to know and understand as much as possible about her previous relationships, but not the sex stuff, the relationship stuff. 

I want to know that stuff because it gives me an incite to her thinking and her past thinking. I am also free with that information. 

I will not give numbers and I don't really want to know hers. I will talk openly about sex.


----------



## Numb26

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm going to be that difficult date. I'm going to be the idiot that refuses to change all of his pronouns to Ze. I'm going to ask questions, because enquiring minds want to know, and if some do gooder tells me I don't need to know, I'll disregard their advice.
> 
> I think more than anything this thread has demonstrated why the veteran of a 30 plus year relationship shouldn't date. The expected behavior is too divorced from the experienced reality.
> 
> How can you develop emotional intimacy while hiding 70% of your self? Might as well date your fake filtered instagram photo.


This is exactly how I feel! I am quickly learning that 80% of people I meet are fake then their photoshopped picture


----------



## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm going to be that difficult date. I'm going to be the idiot that refuses to change all of his pronouns to Ze. I'm going to ask questions, because enquiring minds want to know, and if some do gooder tells me I don't need to know, I'll disregard their advice.
> 
> I think more than anything this thread has demonstrated why the veteran of a 30 plus year relationship shouldn't date. The expected behavior is too divorced from the experienced reality.
> 
> *How can you develop emotional intimacy while hiding 70% of your self? * Might as well date your fake filtered instagram photo.


To the bolded I would counter Why would you need to get a detailing of your partner's previous relationships to develop an emotional connection? Are you falling in love with the person in front of you with their particular quirks and personality or are you falling in love with the person who was in a relationship with another person?


----------



## NextTimeAround

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm going to be that difficult date. I'm going to be the idiot that refuses to change all of his pronouns to Ze. I'm going to ask questions, because enquiring minds want to know, and if some do gooder tells me I don't need to know, I'll disregard their advice.
> 
> I think more than anything this thread has demonstrated why the veteran of a 30 plus year relationship shouldn't date. The expected behavior is too divorced from the experienced reality.
> 
> *How can you develop emotional intimacy while hiding 70% of your self? Might as well date your fake filtered instagram photo*.


What's most important about your past is how much will it affect your future. 

The difference between having 5 sexual partners and 15 is not important unless
1. you have children
2. you have an ex partner to whom you have some responsibilities
3. your activities in the past have somewhat tarnished your reputation these days.


----------



## leftfield

Lila said:


> To the bolded I would counter Why would you need to get a detailing of your partner's previous relationships to develop an emotional connection? Are you falling in love with the person in front of you with their particular quirks and personality or are you falling in love with the person who was in a relationship with another person?



For me it would be about falling in love with the person she is (I really have no idea what details I would want about their previous relationships) and part of who she is comes from her past relationships. Lets say for example she is in her 40's (like me). If she glosses over everything that happened before she was 39 she is essentially saying 80-90% of her life is not worth sharing. I personally would not find someone who is only sharing there most recent single phase to have much depth.

What a few of the recent comments have said about most people being more fake then their photos tends to be more accurate than not.


----------



## Lila

leftfield said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> To the bolded I would counter Why would you need to get a detailing of your partner's previous relationships to develop an emotional connection? Are you falling in love with the person in front of you with their particular quirks and personality or are you falling in love with the person who was in a relationship with another person?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> For me it would be about falling in love with the person she is (I really have no idea what details I would want about their previous relationships) and part of who she is comes from her past relationships. Lets say for example she is in her 40's (like me). If she glosses over everything that happened before she was 39 she is essentially saying 80-90% of her life is not worth sharing. I personally would not find someone who is only sharing there most recent single phase to have much depth.
Click to expand...

But the person in front you, the one you are experiencing first hand, is the person who you are basing your decisions. I could go on and on to new partners about how my ex and I used to visit the Caribbean islands annually and all of the things we did while there. Or I could juts say "yeah I vacationed in the Caribbean years ago. Visited x,y,z Islands. My favorite is X.". Not a whole lot of details but enough to give the guy a picture of my history.


----------



## attheend02

Lila said:


> But the person in front you, the one you are experiencing first hand, is the person who you are basing your decisions. I could go on and on to new partners about how my ex and I used to visit the Caribbean islands annually and all of the things we did while there. Or I could juts say *"yeah I vacationed in the Caribbean years ago. Visited x,y,z Islands. My favorite is X."*. Not a whole lot of details but enough to give the guy a picture of my history.


The bolded seems superficial to me.... if I am passionate about traveling to the Caribbean, I would want to hear more!


----------



## Lila

attheend02 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> But the person in front you, the one you are experiencing first hand, is the person who you are basing your decisions. I could go on and on to new partners about how my ex and I used to visit the Caribbean islands annually and all of the things we did while there. Or I could juts say *"yeah I vacationed in the Caribbean years ago. Visited x,y,z Islands. My favorite is X."*. Not a whole lot of details but enough to give the guy a picture of my history.
> 
> 
> 
> The bolded seems superficial to me.... if I am passionate about traveling to the Caribbean, I would want to hear more!
Click to expand...

Usually it's followed by "is the Caribbean on your bucket list? What do you like about it"". Great way to move the conversation to actual passion or the future than talking about the past. That's just me though. I'd prefer to know where your hopes, dreams, and goals lie and if they align with mine.


----------



## leftfield

Lila said:


> But the person in front you, the one you are experiencing first hand, is the person who you are basing your decisions. I could go on and on to new partners about how my ex and I used to visit the Caribbean islands annually and all of the things we did while there. Or I could juts say "yeah I vacationed in the Caribbean years ago. Visited x,y,z Islands. My favorite is X.". Not a whole lot of details but enough to give the guy a picture of my history.


You did not become you in just the last couple of years. There is a whole life involved in you becoming the current you.

Say what you want to say. And if he in not interested in the topic leave it at that.

On the other hand, if the man is interested in the topic and asks more questions, then what? (obviously some questions go to far.)


----------



## leftfield

Lila said:


> Usually it's followed by "is the Caribbean on your bucket list? What do you like about it"". Great way to move the conversation to actual passion or the future than talking about the past. That's just me though. *I'd prefer to know where your hopes, dreams, and goals lie and if they align with mine.*


Yes. This is more important than dwelling on the past and I personally would place more importance on this than the past. But the past is how you got to the present and how your goals, hopes and dreams came about. The past should not be something you hide from. Even as you focus on the future.


----------



## attheend02

Lila said:


> Usually it's followed by "is the Caribbean on your bucket list? What do you like about it"". Great way to move the conversation to actual passion or the future than talking about the past. That's just me though. I'd prefer to know where your *hopes, dreams, and goals* lie and if they align with mine.



Very important. Thanks.


----------



## Lila

leftfield said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> But the person in front you, the one you are experiencing first hand, is the person who you are basing your decisions. I could go on and on to new partners about how my ex and I used to visit the Caribbean islands annually and all of the things we did while there. Or I could juts say "yeah I vacationed in the Caribbean years ago. Visited x,y,z Islands. My favorite is X.". Not a whole lot of details but enough to give the guy a picture of my history.
> 
> 
> 
> You did not become you in just the last couple of years. There is a whole life involved in you becoming the current you.
> 
> Say what you want to say. And if he in not interested in the topic leave it at that.
> 
> On the other hand, if the man is interested in the topic and asks more questions, then what? (obviously some questions go to far.)
Click to expand...

But why is knowing "why" I am the way I am important? That doesn't make sense to me. I am who I am. Obviously my life experiences have shaped me. Life experiences shape everyone. What I see is that people will be fine accepting the person standing in front of them. They change the picture in their head when they learn about the experiences that led to making the person standing before them. All it does is color their perspective. Instead, why not discuss boundaries and then determine whether you're compatible that way? No need to get into history. It's either a yea or nay. No grey.


----------



## leftfield

Lila said:


> *But why is knowing "why" I am the way I am important? * That doesn't make sense to me. I am who I am. Obviously my life experiences have shaped me. Life experiences shape everyone. What I see is that people will be fine accepting the person standing in front of them. They change the picture in their head when they learn about the experiences that led to making the person standing before them. All it does is color their perspective. *Instead, why not discuss boundaries and then determine whether you're compatible that way?* No need to get into history. *It's either a yea or nay. No grey.*


It is not for you. Its good that you know yourself.

It seems that you have seen people who have been hurt by their past. Or at least their past has had significant effect on them. 

Regarding the second bolded part; how does that even happen? 

The third bolded part: I see being open as a yea or nay with no grey area. That is apparently foreign to you.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

If your just in a casual dating relationship, not a lot of info to discuss. But if I were to be getting into a serous relationship, I would want to know the following - (based on my failed marriage).

1. Have you ever been subjected to sexual abuse, rape, etc?
If yes, have they been thru counselling?

2. Are there things sexually that are a hard NO!? (oral both ways, no sex with lights on, no showers together, etc)

3. Are they comfortable in discussing/showing what they LIKE in a sexual relationship?

4. What was your relationship with your dad like?

5. What is your feelings on associating with past sexual partners.

6. How honest are you? 

I want a relationship with someone that believes sex forms a bond with their partner, and I don't want to share a bedroom with the memories of past partners.


----------



## Lila

leftfield said:


> It is not for you. Its good that you know yourself.


Again, what you see is what you get. Why the need to psychoanalyze the why's? I don't get that part. 

For example, I know a man who by his description he was "rough around the edges" when he was in high school. He went on to college, got his degree and is now a very successful person. Why do I need to know the details of "rough around the edges"? He's an awesome man today. 



> It seems that you have seen people who have been hurt by their past. Or at least their past has had significant effect on them.


It's not that I've seen people hurt by over sharing, although I have seen that too, it's that I've seen people hold over shared information against the over sharer when there is no basis for it. 



> Regarding the second bolded part; how does that even happen?


Simple. People express their deal breakers and boundaries. 

Good example..... someone says "I'd never date someone who has in the past or continues to do drugs". Boom. Done. It's either a yes or no. I'm either going to be compatible with their deal breaker or not. No need for me to share my previous life history one way or the other. 



> The third bolded part: I see being open as a yea or nay with no grey area. That is apparently foreign to you.


It is very foreign to me. Have you done much dating in recent years?


----------



## 2ntnuf

Lila said:


> As I mentioned in the other thread, I keep any discussion regarding my previous relationships at the 50,000 foot view level. I don't give details nor do I expect them from a partner. This includes all topics, not just sexual.
> 
> I'm a firm believer that too much information can be just as bad as not enough when building a relationship. Too little can feel like the other person is hiding something. Too much can feel like we're stagnant beings with zero ability to change or grow.
> 
> *The reason we start new relationships is typically because the old one didn't work out and we want a blank slate. Hopefully we've learned from our mistakes and can move on.*


I disagree that this is my reason. I like being around women. I don't care if they get angry with me. I still like them. So, I talk with them because I like them. I like the companionship of a woman more than I do a man. 

For me, being able to talk about the past means I have moved on. I'm not talking about complaining about it constantly. I'm talking about, if it comes up and she wants to know how I feel about it, the only way is to tell her and let her read my emotions and what I say. 

In any case, someone started a thread in Social and I answered there, what you asked in the first post of this thread. Here is what I posted.



> Depends on the person I'm talking with. I've talked with women who exposed a hell of a lot more than most folks at TAM deem healthy. lol
> 
> One told me her number and what she likes in bed. I've never dated her, but we are friends and at one time considered dating. It just didn't work out. Doesn't mean she isn't my friend.
> 
> She then asked my number. I told her. Apparently, she thought it was much higher. She probably thinks I'm lying. I don't have any clue why she thought my number was higher. She basically said her number and then mine was probably a lot higher. I don't even know why she told me. I don't remember ever saying anything to anyone about any numbers... ever.
> 
> I have to guess it's up to the two talking. I personally only have a few things I don't readily talk about like something I had for dinner. I really don't care if they like me or not. Those who do will let me know. They have before.


----------



## Lila

Lila said:


> leftfield said:
> 
> 
> 
> The third bolded part: I see being open as a yea or nay with no grey area. That is apparently foreign to you.
> 
> 
> 
> It is very foreign to me. Have you done much dating in recent years?
Click to expand...

I just realized that this last question sounded like I was calling you out. This was not intentional. I just went back through your post history and noticed you're not single and have been married many years. Your opinion is still respected.


----------



## Mr. Nail

Lila said:


> To the bolded I would counter Why would you need to get a detailing of your partner's previous relationships to develop an emotional connection?


Lila you recommend a 9 mile buffer when viewing your prospective partner. Not my definition of intimate, but perhaps intimacy is avoided in modern relationships. I think there are some things I could do with out.
- a decades long sex frequency calendar.
- a size comparison of partner genitalia.
- details of quarrels and misunderstandings.

I don't see a need to edit your prior partner from your holiday memories. Put if that kind of thing triggers you, hey maybe you want a virgin. All of the people I know have history and baggage. I suspect that I would end up dating a person that I know. 



Lila said:


> Are you falling in love with the person in front of you with their particular quirks and personality or are you falling in love with the person who was in a relationship with another person?


 I'm not seeing where those two things can't be simultaneously true. What I can't be is: Attracted to a person over nine miles away. or, Attracted to a person wearing a full body mask. 

Sorry I need more. I know that I am weird.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Lila said:


> I just realized that this last question sounded like I was calling you out. This was not intentional. I just went back through your post history and noticed *you're not single and have been married many years. Your opinion is still respected*.


Yikes. I feel disrespected.

Edit: Maybe you should change your username to 'Spock'. There's no feeling in any of that. It's all logic.


----------



## Casual Observer

Lila said:


> It's not that I've seen people hurt by over sharing, although I have seen that too, it's that I've seen people hold over shared information against the over sharer when there is no basis for it.


I don't see this as an issue of over-sharing information as much as misunderstandings about notions of privacy. A relationship that might get serious should entail a discussion of privacy when that stage (or seriousness) looks real. I speak from experience here. The more-open person can really get messed up if he or she assumes their partner is similar. It's a very basic, and sometimes devastating, form of dishonesty for a more-private person to not admit this up front.

If a person who feels certain things are not something they feel comfortable about disclosing, they should say so. They should not omit or lie to direct questions. Their answer should be "That's something I'd prefer to keep private." If that's a problem for the other party, it's better for both that the issue is aired out now, rather than see things come up years, even decades down the road.

You know I'm a broken record on this. Privacy is, I think, as important as boundaries. Yet it rarely (never?) comes up in pre-marital counseling.


----------



## Lila

2ntnuf said:


> Yikes. I feel disrespected.
> 
> Edit: Maybe you should change your username to 'Spock'. There's no feeling in any of that. It's all logic.


 I posted this thread in the Life After Divorce forum for a reason. @leftfield is married and has been for quite a while. I can see how me asking him "how long have you been dating" could seem like I was calling him out for not having been single for a long time and that his opinion was irrelevant. I wanted to make sure that that is not at all what I was trying to convey and the I do respect his opinion. 

I think it's interesting you find my logic so Spock-like. Thank you. I take that as a compliment. If my comment had come from a man would you have felt equally disrespected, or would you have thought "makes sense, it's logical"?


----------



## justlistening

It takes time, IMO, to get through the layers. I don't mind being open. I will not dodge a man's honest questions.

However I'm not going to endure an interrigatory on the first few dates just because some woman I never met cheated on some man I barely know. I'm not her. I'm not going to pay for her failings.

Just like I'm not going to punish my new spouse for my former spouse's issues. He isnt my former spouse.

I am an every day sex kind of woman but if a man whips out a list of sex questions on the third date so he can make sure I'm not like his ex wife I'll immediate assume he isn't ready to date.

I like getting to know people organically.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Lila said:


> I posted this thread in the Life After Divorce forum for a reason. @leftfield is married and has been for quite a while. I can see how me asking him "how long have you been dating" could seem like I was calling him out for not having been single for a long time and that his opinion was irrelevant. I wanted to make sure that that is not at all what I was trying to convey and the I do respect his opinion.
> 
> I think it's interesting you find my logic so Spock-like. Thank you. I take that as a compliment. If my comment had come from a man would you have felt equally disrespected, or would you have thought "makes sense, it's logical"?


Depends on the man. 

I just didn't realize how cold you are. It kind of shocked me to read your inference that you don't respect the opinions of single men. I thought, "How does one avoid conveying that to other single men"? 

Maybe I'm so out of the loop that I just don't know that men 10 or 12 years younger than me and single are only out there dating in a business-like fashion? Certainly, that's possible.

Edit: I don't think anyone looking for love is going to find much emotion in logic.


----------



## Lila

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm not seeing where those two things can't be simultaneously true. What I can't be is: Attracted to a person over nine miles away. or, Attracted to a person wearing a full body mask.
> 
> Sorry I need more. I know that I am weird.


I don't think you're weird. I think everyone is entitled to their preference. I also don't think there is a wrong and right answer to this. There's just a "this is what works for me".


----------



## Lila

2ntnuf said:


> Depends on the man.
> 
> I just didn't realize how cold you are. It kind of shocked me to read your inference that you don't respect the opinions of single men. I thought, "How does one avoid conveying that to other single men"?
> 
> Maybe I'm so out of the loop that I just don't know that men 10 or 12 years younger than me and single are only out there dating in a business-like fashion? Certainly, that's possible.
> 
> Edit: I don't think anyone looking for love is going to find much emotion in logic.



Lol. Yep. I'm a cold, cold *****. :laugh:

Thanks for the laughs.


----------



## Lila

Casual Observer said:


> I don't see this as an issue of over-sharing information as much as misunderstandings about notions of privacy. A relationship that might get serious should entail a discussion of privacy when that stage (or seriousness) looks real. I speak from experience here. The more-open person can really get messed up if he or she assumes their partner is similar. It's a very basic, and sometimes devastating, form of dishonesty for a more-private person to not admit this up front.
> 
> If a person who feels certain things are not something they feel comfortable about disclosing, they should say so. They should not omit or lie to direct questions. Their answer should be "That's something I'd prefer to keep private." If that's a problem for the other party, it's better for both that the issue is aired out now, rather than see things come up years, even decades down the road.
> 
> You know I'm a broken record on this. *Privacy is, I think, as important as boundaries. Yet it rarely (never?) comes up in pre-marital counseling*.


I completely agree. Privacy should be treated like any other attribute that's discussed to determine compatibility.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Lila said:


> Lol. Yep. I'm a cold, cold *****. :laugh:
> 
> Thanks for the laughs.


Weird...
:x :wink2:


----------



## Lila

2ntnuf said:


> Weird...
> :x :wink2:


Again, thanks. I take that as a compliment.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Casual Observer said:


> I don't see this as an issue of over-sharing information as much as misunderstandings about notions of privacy. A relationship that might get serious should entail a discussion of privacy when that stage (or seriousness) looks real. I speak from experience here. The more-open person can really get messed up if he or she assumes their partner is similar. *It's a very basic, and sometimes devastating, form of dishonesty for a more-private person to not admit this up front.*
> 
> *If a person who feels certain things are not something they feel comfortable about disclosing, they should say so.* They should not omit or lie to direct questions. Their answer should be "That's something I'd prefer to keep private." If that's a problem for the other party, it's better for both that the issue is aired out now, rather than see things come up years, even decades down the road.
> 
> You know I'm a broken record on this. Privacy is, I think, as important as boundaries. Yet it rarely (never?) comes up in pre-marital counseling.


Yep, you just know they are taking notes to use against you later. And, many will. 

Differing levels of maturity are devastating to a relationship.


----------



## 2ntnuf

Lila said:


> Again, thanks. I take that as a compliment.


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Privacy is, I think, as important as boundaries. Yet it rarely (never?) comes up in pre-marital counseling.


I think privacy is a form / type of boundary. No one wants to be around anyone who drinks and talks too much.


----------



## HorseShowMom

I’m probably too open about things, but as the prospect of dating after ending an abusive marriage looms on the horizon, this thread has me wondering if it’s fair to the prospective “new guy” to keep quiet altogether. And for how long? My initial thought would be to avoid the topic until the relationship is at a point where both parties are moving toward a long term commitment and are comfortable sharing the less appealing aspects of themselves. 

It seems the general consensus here is to keep ones mouth shut about previous relationships, but does that still apply when in a co-parenting situation with an ex and still needing to “deal with them” regularly?
Or would the burden of an abusive past relationship, and the inability to completely escape the abuser, make one a poor candidate for dating anyway? Not that I’m ready to “get out there” by any means... but this thread makes me want to give up before I get started lol. Maybe just get a bunch of cats or something...


----------



## SpinyNorman

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> If your just in a casual dating relationship, not a lot of info to discuss. But if I were to be getting into a serous relationship, I would want to know the following - (based on my failed marriage).
> 
> 1. Have you ever been subjected to sexual abuse, rape, etc?
> If yes, have they been thru counselling?
> 
> 2. Are there things sexually that are a hard NO!? (oral both ways, no sex with lights on, no showers together, etc)
> 
> 3. Are they comfortable in discussing/showing what they LIKE in a sexual relationship?
> 
> 4. What was your relationship with your dad like?
> 
> 5. What is your feelings on associating with past sexual partners.
> 
> 6. How honest are you?
> 
> I want a relationship with someone that believes sex forms a bond with their partner, and I don't want to share a bedroom with the memories of past partners.


I don't see what these questions will tell you about whether your partner enjoys remembering past partners or not.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m probably too open about things, but as the prospect of dating after ending an abusive marriage looms on the horizon, this thread has me wondering if it’s fair to the prospective “new guy” to keep quiet altogether. And for how long? My initial thought would be to avoid the topic until the relationship is at a point where both parties are moving toward a long term commitment and are comfortable sharing the less appealing aspects of themselves.
> 
> It seems the general consensus here is to keep ones mouth shut about previous relationships, but does that still apply when in a co-parenting situation with an ex and still needing to “deal with them” regularly?
> Or would the burden of an abusive past relationship, and the inability to completely escape the abuser, make one a poor candidate for dating anyway? Not that I’m ready to “get out there” by any means... but this thread makes me want to give up before I get started lol. Maybe just get a bunch of cats or something...


I would encourage you to be open with a serious potential partner.
My X didn't tell me about her past, then reacted very negatively towards me.

I thought she was unhappy with me, but it was her past affecting our relationship.

Here is a link that may help you see your new partner in a better light when the time comes. https://forgivenwife.com/unbearable-lessons/


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband

SpinyNorman said:


> I don't see what these questions will tell you about whether your partner enjoys remembering past partners or not.


It's not about the past partners so much as how do they feel about sex in general, what are their expectations of life.

If their dad, or mom for that matter, let them spend money on whatever they wanted, without having to earn it, there is a good chance they will have an entitlement attitude towards your money, expecting you to keep forking it over. 

Everyone has a different view of what is important to them in a partner.
If you want kids, and the person you are dating lies about wanting kids to hang onto you, figuring they can always "change your mind", that's a problem.

I was married for 33 years, I know anyone I date will have a past, my main concern is they are open to having an intimate relationship, and be honest.
@casualObserver made a good point about some people not feeling the need to be honest, that they should have their privacy. That's fine in a casual dating situation. BUT, if your getting ready to get married, and your partner expresses desires in pre-marital counselling for sex acts that you find repulsive, you need to be honest. If you fiancee is 500,000 in debt, and doesn't tell you before you get married because it's "private", that's a problem.

If you find out after the fact that your wife named Sue used to be a Sam, that's a problem.

I don't really care if my future partner had issues with someone in their past, it's how can WE make a good loving life together. Unfortunately, the past has a way of affecting the present if not dealt with.


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## Lila

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m probably too open about things, but as the prospect of dating after ending an abusive marriage looms on the horizon, this thread has me wondering if it’s fair to the prospective “new guy” to keep quiet altogether. And for how long? My initial thought would be to avoid the topic until the relationship is at a point where both parties are moving toward a long term commitment and are comfortable sharing the less appealing aspects of themselves.
> 
> It seems the general consensus here is to keep ones mouth shut about previous relationships, but does that still apply when in a co-parenting situation with an ex and still needing to “deal with them” regularly?
> Or would the burden of an abusive past relationship, and the inability to completely escape the abuser, make one a poor candidate for dating anyway? Not that I’m ready to “get out there” by any means... but* this thread makes me want to give up before I get started lol. Maybe just get a bunch of cats or something...*


Don't do that. There are plenty of people out there with all different kinds of expectations about disclosures regarding previous relationships. As the responses to this thread attest to, there are some people who are happy with a summary. Others need to get details. And then there's all sorts of combination of the two. As @Casual Observer mentioned, you just need to find someone who is on your same wavelength when it comes to Privacy. 

My only bit of advice for you specifically is to be very careful with whom you share your details. Make sure it is someone you trust and is mature enough not to use whatever you say to manipulate you in the future. It happens.


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## Lila

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> If their dad, or mom for that matter, let them spend money on whatever they wanted, without having to earn it, there is a good chance they will have an entitlement attitude towards your money, expecting you to keep forking it over.


This is a perfect example of what I mean by using a past disclose to change the current perception of someone. It's why I limit what I disclose. 

Why does it matter if Mommy and Daddy spoiled them in the past if the person standing in front of you today is good with money, humble, and egalitarian? Wouldn't you recognize the behavior of someone who feels entitled to your money without needing the back story? IMO a detailed recounting is unnecessary. If the person is entitled, you'll know it. No further evidence needed. 



> @Casual Observer made a good point about *some people not feeling the need to be honest, that they should have their privacy.*


There is a big difference with wanting to keep things private and dishonesty. Dishonesty is lying. Keeping things private is choosing not to disclose. Those two things are not equal by any stretch of the imagination. 



> That's fine in a casual dating situation. BUT, if your getting ready to get married, and your partner expresses desires in pre-marital counselling for sex acts that you find repulsive, you need to be honest. If you fiancee is 500,000 in debt, and doesn't tell you before you get married because it's "private", that's a problem.
> 
> If you find out after the fact that your wife named Sue used to be a Sam, that's a problem.
> 
> I don't really care if my future partner had issues with someone in their past, it's how can WE make a good loving life together. Unfortunately, the past has a way of affecting the present if not dealt with.


I would sincerely hope that these things would be identified prior to marriage just by simple observation but to your points, I feel I can get to the bottom of these things by simply expressing boundaries. No need to go into histories. I won't do x, y, z in the bedroom or doing x,y,z In the bedroom is a need for me. I will not date/marry a transexual. I will not date/marry someone with a ton of debt. 

Here's a rhetorical question, would it matter to you that someone had had a ton of debt but paid it all off and were now in surplus?


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## BluesPower

NextTimeAround said:


> I think privacy is a form / type of boundary. No one wants to be around anyone who drinks and talks too much.


I think there I a time to talk about everything. I don't want any secrets from a person that I intend to stay with for the foreseeable future. 

I am open about almost everything, in long-term romantic relationship I'm not sure why you would...


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## FrazzledSadHusband

Lila said:


> This is a perfect example of what I mean by using a past disclose to change the current perception of someone. It's why I limit what I disclose.
> 
> Why does it matter if Mommy and Daddy spoiled them in the past if the person standing in front of you today is good with money, humble, and egalitarian? Wouldn't you recognize the behavior of someone who feels entitled to your money without needing the back story? IMO a detailed recounting is unnecessary. If the person is entitled, you'll know it. No further evidence needed.
> 
> 
> 
> There is a big difference with wanting to keep things private and dishonesty. Dishonesty is lying. Keeping things private is choosing not to disclose. Those two things are not equal by any stretch of the imagination.
> 
> 
> 
> I would sincerely hope that these things would be identified prior to marriage just by simple observation but to your points, I feel I can get to the bottom of these things by simply expressing boundaries. No need to go into histories. I won't do x, y, z in the bedroom or doing x,y,z In the bedroom is a need for me. I will not date/marry a transexual. I will not date/marry someone with a ton of debt.
> 
> Here's a rhetorical question, would it matter to you that someone had had a ton of debt but paid it all off and were now in surplus?


I want someone that will express their boundaries, I don't need a history lesson. If someone was in debt in the past, but is out of it now, no problem.

The issue is "lies by omission". I can only use my X as an example. Prior our wedding, we had pre-marital counselling. Various topics were discussing, finances, sex acts, etc. The pastor was quite thorough in asking questions and sent us home with topics of discussion.

In addition, I tried to go down on my fiancee on multiple occasions, all of which were rebuffed with various excuses. "I have my period", "I just got done working out & need a shower", etc.

Only to find out much later after some nasty fights the real reason why.

When I asked my X why she didn't tell me about her issues, she said "I was afraid you wouldn't marry me".

I think I still would have, but the anger she expressed towards me when I would try a sex act that I didn't know she hated, made me feel like there was something wrong with me.

I agree you with that you can have boundaries, just make sure they are expressed PRIOR a long term commitment. I don't need to know the exact details, but if you have a extreme aversion to being in a shower together, tell me before we get married. Don't say later "I didn't think you would want to shower together". I realize you can't necessarily discuss every sex act, but if you can't handle something as basic as sex with the lights on, that's an issue.

I had a expectation of honesty. I answered all the questions she asked honestly. Some didn't put me in the best light. I have come to realize much later, that she used my answers to tailor how she responded to my questions.


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## leftfield

@Lila,

Yes I am in a long term marriage. I was just expressing how I would be if I ended up single again. I did not take anything you said negatively.


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## Lila

This has been an interesting discussion. I appreciate all of the different viewpoints. Thanks all who participated.


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## SpinyNorman

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> It's not about the past partners so much as how do they feel about sex in general, what are their expectations of life.


Ok, but that is difft from
"I don't want to share a bedroom with the memories of past partners."


> If their dad, or mom for that matter, let them spend money on whatever they wanted, without having to earn it, there is a good chance they will have an entitlement attitude towards your money, expecting you to keep forking it over.


There is probably some correlation btw parent and child financial-wise, but I'd be more interested in how the prospective partner handled money.


> Everyone has a different view of what is important to them in a partner.


Yes, and it is better to ask about the things that are important to you than to assume everyone is like you. I respect questions like "Do you want kids?" since that affects the person in a big way, but stuff like who I had a crush on, nope.


> If you want kids, and the person you are dating lies about wanting kids to hang onto you, figuring they can always "change your mind", that's a problem.


Agree, lying to someone about something important is a big problem. Unfortunately, if they're willing to lie to you, asking questions won't get you very far. This isn't a straightforward thing to accomplish, but I think you have to get to know the person to know how honest they are.


> I was married for 33 years, I know anyone I date will have a past, my main concern is they are open to having an intimate relationship, and be honest.
> 
> @casualObserver made a good point about some people not feeling the need to be honest, that they should have their privacy. That's fine in a casual dating situation. BUT, if your getting ready to get married, and your partner expresses desires in pre-marital counselling for sex acts that you find repulsive, you need to be honest. If you fiancee is 500,000 in debt, and doesn't tell you before you get married because it's "private", that's a problem.
> 
> If you find out after the fact that your wife named Sue used to be a Sam, that's a problem.
> 
> I don't really care if my future partner had issues with someone in their past, it's how can WE make a good loving life together. Unfortunately, the past has a way of affecting the present if not dealt with.


As @Lila has pointed out, being dishonest is different from declining to answer. You decide what you must know(your list sounds sensible), your partner decides what to answer, and you get to decide what to do about it.


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## TomNebraska

HorseShowMom said:


> I’m probably too open about things, but as the prospect of dating after ending an abusive marriage looms on the horizon, this thread has me wondering if it’s fair to the prospective “new guy” to keep quiet altogether. And for how long? My initial thought would be to avoid the topic until the relationship is at a point where both parties are moving toward a long term commitment and are comfortable sharing the less appealing aspects of themselves.


I think you need to decide _WHEN _you want to know more about someone, i.e. when you're thinking more of commitment. Of course, maybe there's some huge red flag off the get-go you might need to resolve. Like "_Hey why are the police looking for you?" _might be one to ask on a first date. 

Assuming there are no blaring sirens... for some people a time to know more about a person's history might be before they sleep with someone. For others it might be before they move in together.

I also think there's a "natural" way to inquire about more information, for example, during a conversation where something comes up. "_Hey, so why did you leave Person X?_" or "_Why would you do X at that time?_" AND - *even assuming people lie to paint themselves in the best light & protect their ego* - it can be revealing to hear their thoughts and ways of thinking, b/c you can compare this to their current behaviors and judge it for consistency and truthfulness on your own: "_he/she said he broke up because of this, but he/she is always doing XYX themselves, so maybe that's not true_"

so while you may not get a straight answer sometimes, you can use what they tell you to help build your understanding of who they are, and whether you can trust them. If someone doesn't want to talk too much about their past, or refuses completely, with a remark like "_Why do you care? It's just about us now_" I might not run, but I assume the reason they don't want to talk about it is because it reflects badly about them. I also seriously begin to question whether they'd be honest with me over material information should we actually go the route of lifelong commitment. 



HorseShowMom said:


> It seems the general consensus here is to keep ones mouth shut about previous relationships, but does that still apply when in a co-parenting situation with an ex and still needing to “deal with them” regularly?
> Or would the burden of an abusive past relationship, and the inability to completely escape the abuser, make one a poor candidate for dating anyway? Not that I’m ready to “get out there” by any means... but this thread makes me want to give up before I get started lol. Maybe just get a bunch of cats or something...


I have a kid from my former marriage, and that definitely makes more more suspicious of people I date. I view that as my commitment to my daughter, that I'm not going to form a long term relationship with somoene that might have "issues" that results in them being abusive or dismissive, or jealous of her. If they had issues with all the other women in their exes lives, including family, they'd probably have issues with my daughter. I'd want to know that.


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