# Sex & Talking About It



## Love2U (Jul 21, 2012)

My husband and I have been married a year and a half and he has no interest in sex. He says he could go a long time without it and doesn't need it where as I feel like I need that connection in order to feel loved. We usually end up having sex once a week or every other week but it is because I initiate it and I feel like we always have a fight about sex leading up to it and he caves in to try to make me happy, not because he wants it.

For me sex is very important, it is a way to feel connected to him and I want him to want me. He always tells me I am beautiful and sexy. I have an athletic with big breasts, I work out 6 days a week and eat healthy, all because I want him to be attracted to me. He is intimate with me in other ways, telling me he loves me and I'm the best wife, always hugging and kissing me...just no sex.

My husband is a surgical resident, so he works ridiculously long hours, stressful job, and when he is home he has to spend most of his time studying. I do believe this is the main cause of it and I've sat down and talked to him about how I feel, he listens and always makes promises that we will have more sex, but of course nothing changes.

We've tried to go to a sex therapist, and they suggested it might be deep rooted thoughts of sex from my husband's upbringing that he needs to talked it out, but going to therapy is extremely hard due to my husband's work schedule. 

I am worried about what our marriage will become later in life, after kids, as we get older. I guess I'm being proactive because I don't want to end up in a sexless marriage. Maybe I am being selfish and not understanding about his job, maybe I have unrealistic expectations.

What's toughest for me is that I feel like there is no one to talk to about this. Everyone seems to think that it is the woman who is supposed to have the low libido. If I tell a friend, I feel like they will start thinking, oh her marriage is on the rocks, or judge me and my husband. You go on some of these message boards and all people say is he's cheating on you, he's gay, leave him, get a divorce...but this is neither true or what I want. 

I wish I could talk to someone about this, I love my husband and I want to spend the rest of my life with him, I just wish our sex life was different. I just don't know what to do.


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## J.R.Jefferis (Jun 27, 2012)

It seems that otherwise your marriage is doing quite well and he loves you very much. This is the most important thing. Also, you say that he is intimate in other ways, which is a very good sign. I think sometimes we think sex is the only way to be intimate in a marriage and that is totally not the case. Maybe you can learn to feel the connection you so crave through other means of intimacy other than sex.

JR


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Stress is a major factor on whether my hubby even wants to think about sex, much less do anything about it. Plus there are many meds out there now that a side effect is impotency, or at least partial erectile disfunction. Is he on any meds?

I think you should just be calm about it. You have a good man, and he likes to be intimate with you. Just supplement the lack of sex that you want with a toy & some videos.. and you're good to go.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

While, yes, there ARE other ways to get intimacy, not everyone FEELS that love, that connection, without sex. MANY people on here have stated "sex is how I feel loved"... I find it interesting that (most of the time) when a man posts that, most men are saying he's right. But when a woman posts it, she needs to see if she can find other ways to be intimate? How is that right?

Love2U, I know how you feel about wanting sex so much. I just told my husband the other day that I would LOVE 2-3 times a DAY.... but I can settle for 2-3 times a week.  In my case, I've just noticed that my drive is revving up lol. The thing is, we were going once a week, once every other week... and there WAS a point, twice, when I kept him at bay for a month. He wanted, I didn't. I was horrible then. And yes, I *WAS* being a b!tch. Had nothing to do with sex drive at that time, it was my attitude. Anyway, sex isn't my love language. I do have other ways I feel loved. But I still find it very important. But, when that is the way you feel love, it's who you are... male or female.

So, he's a surgical resident, you said? Hmmm.... I think, until he is done with the residency, it definitely is gonna be tough get past all that stress. I'm not gonna tell you to leave him. Not even gonna suggest that he's cheating. What I WILL suggest is something I would have thought would come to a doctor's mind... has he ever had his testosterone levels checked? Seriously. My 31 year old husband is getting in to see his doc asap because he has had ZERO interest for over a month. I know his meds have played a huge part in that, but still. It's not normal. And we know that, so we are getting it checked.

Good luck!


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> While, yes, there ARE other ways to get intimacy, not everyone FEELS that love, that connection, without sex. MANY people on here have stated "sex is how I feel loved"... I find it interesting that (most of the time) when a man posts that, most men are saying he's right. But when a woman posts it, she needs to see if she can find other ways to be intimate? How is that right? RIGHT?! That's EXACTLY what I was thinking. "Here honey - this piece of plastic with some batteries should suffice. Just be happy that you have a man who says he loves you!" That would never fly with most people around here if she were a man.
> 
> snip
> 
> So, he's a surgical resident, you said? Hmmm.... I think, until he is done with the residency, it definitely is gonna be tough get past all that stress. I'm not gonna tell you to leave him. Not even gonna suggest that he's cheating. What I WILL suggest is something I would have thought would come to a doctor's mind... has he ever had his testosterone levels checked?


A good suggestion. I know that you said that he is too busy for counseling now but there are a lot of great books that people have suggested here. Even surgical residents have 15 minutes a day to sit back and read something besides a medical book. Maybe he would be interested in reading that book about Love Languages (sorry - I don't know the title!) because it sounds like one of the primary ways that you experience love is through physical touch. Maybe its not that way for him but he can try and understand you. And indeed - Good luck!!


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

It seems like his work is slowing his drive down.
All work and no play as they put it.
Thats a big stress factor.
I can remember several evening where i wasnt even close to being 
responsive to sex, or anything to do with it from being denied rest.
This cant be something that he uses for himself though. If it is quite common and many many days and nights then why is it that he is witholding so much?
Yes i will agree, i think he does love you very much to give you those words of affirmation.


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## Love2U (Jul 21, 2012)

Thanks guys. We have talked about low testosterone as a possible reason, but he insists that he doesn't have that. Not sure if it's a pride thing, but he has tried to set up an appointment three times, having to cancel each time because of work. He doesn't want to test at work because he doesn't want anyone at his hospital knowing about this issue, which I honestly completely understand. He did say he would try to make an appointment next week...here's hoping that he is actually able to go.

I asked my husband what gets him excited and he honestly couldn't tell me anything, he just has no desire right now. He tries to convince me that him not wanting sex is not a rejection, for him sex is matter of fact, if he feels like it...great. If not, no biggie...it has nothing to do with me. 

I wish I could get him to read books or articles on it, but honestly I'm not sure if he would...a matter of pride.

::sigh::


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Love2U said:


> Thanks guys. We have talked about low testosterone as a possible reason, but he insists that he doesn't have that. Not sure if it's a pride thing, but he has tried to set up an appointment three times, having to cancel each time because of work. He doesn't want to test at work because he doesn't want anyone at his hospital knowing about this issue, which I honestly completely understand. He did say he would try to make an appointment next week...here's hoping that he is actually able to go.
> 
> I asked my husband what gets him excited and he honestly couldn't tell me anything, he just has no desire right now. He tries to convince me that him not wanting sex is not a rejection, for him sex is matter of fact, if he feels like it...great. If not, no biggie...it has nothing to do with me.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry to hear this. I am actually going through the same thing with my husband. I have an extremely high sex drive and his is Zero! I'm still trying to figure out what I can do to change things between us because truthfully we are drowning because there is no intimacy. I hope things change for you and change fast. Best of luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

Same position here too..I have a high libido, husband has none. And let me tell you, if he doesn't put in some real effort to discuss this and go to the doctor and make time for you, regarding this issue, your marriage will suffer as the years go by and you start to feel resentment toward him or your own self esteem dies from years of rejection.

We have been married nearly 7 years and he doesn't see the problem. I actually think my husband might be asexual, but of course he doesn't think that (blow to his masculinity). I've had him booked in to the doctor for hormone testing but he cancels at the last minute saying he's healthy and nothing wrong with him. 

I had a counsellor tell me it probably stems from seeing how his parents interacted growing up, sleeping in seperate rooms, etc and that he looks at sex for reproduction only, not pleasure or bonding.

In 7 years he has initiated sex with me about 3 times. Makes excuses to not have sex when I bring it up about 95% of the time. It wears you down. I have never taken the rejection personally because I know it's an issue within himself, but after dealing with this for so long, I can feel our marriage dying. So my advice to you is to really communicate to him how important this issue is with you for feeling intimacy and reconnecting with him or it will just get worse. 

It is ludicrous for people to suggest that using a toy or looking at porn can substitute making love/sex with your man. They obviously have no idea what it is like to crave sexual intimacy with your other half and be continually pushed away. Best of luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My ex husband went through medical school and residency while we were married.

Before that we had a very active sex drive. We were both HD so it was a good match. But once in medical school his desire for sex dropped off and we hardly had sex at all. It got to the point where months would go by. He turned me down constantly. By the time he was in residency he he refused all sex.

It was not that he as too busy for sex. It was that he got all the sex he wanted by cheating with female medical students, residents and nurses. I was oblivious to this for a long time. Apparently he has a reputation this. No one bothered to tell me until after he was done with his residency.

I found out that a lot of those long working hours were not working hours. He was half way living with a nurse by the time his residency was over. 

Are you supporting him through residency?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> My ex husband went through medical school and residency while we were married.
> 
> Before that we had a very active sex drive. We were both HD so it was a good match. But once in medical school his desire for sex dropped off and we hardly had sex at all. It got to the point where months would go by. He turned me down constantly. By the time he was in residency he he refused all sex.
> 
> ...


I was thinking the exact same thing, and I normally don't automatically go to the cheating route... but with medical field and the hours they work emotional connections develop very fast and they turn physical so easily and quickly and are the biggest industry for affairs, there was even an article about this recently on the news.... I would examine this aspect at least as an option.... have his testosterone checked... talk to him directly about the importance for you of the connection and your desire to have this change, and DO NOT have children until you get this resolved to a level you are both happy with, that is just my two cents.


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## Henry (Nov 20, 2007)

i had the same problem with my 1st wfe. 





once a week for her was wearing her out while I had to spank a couple times a day back when 




i was young. 
I did find someone that was a good match except as with most R's things have fallen apart. 
Time for me to move on again.
Wish you luck.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

livelaughlovenow said:


> I was thinking the exact same thing, and I normally don't automatically go to the cheating route... but with medical field and the hours they work emotional connections develop very fast and they turn physical so easily and quickly and are the biggest industry for affairs, there was even an article about this recently on the news.... I would examine this aspect at least as an option.... have his testosterone checked... talk to him directly about the importance for you of the connection and your desire to have this change, and DO NOT have children until you get this resolved to a level you are both happy with, that is just my two cents.


:iagree:

There was a discussion earlier about this....here's the link.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...3-nurses-husbands-nurses-any-dr-problems.html


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## Love2U (Jul 21, 2012)

Seriously!? The hospital isn't Grey's Anatomy and to group all surgeons into one category is just wrong. I know my husband isn't cheating on me...I know this, I know him...I even initially mentioned this in my original post, but yet instead of people trying to help with the emotional aspect of this, this is what I get. This is why I was so hesitant about posting online, it's always the same. 

My husband is getting tested for low-T next week...we've talked about things and what our needs are and we'll go from there. What I don't need is people telling me what I know what not to be true and try to bring me down.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Was he like this before you got married? If so, all I can say is that you knew what you were getting.

But if he wasn't, I think you need to draw the line with him and tell him this wasn't part of the deal. If he wants to work hard, etc... he still has to take care of business at home. Marriage is a two-way street,


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