# Sharing a fantasy...do you "deserve" a response?



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Let's face it, for many if not most couples, it's often not so easy to open up and share sexual fantasies with their partners.

Over the last several months I have shared some fantasies that some might consider a slightly out of the ordinary. Standards for this vary by couple of course but it's fair to say that they are not shockingly strange but enough "different" that I was a slightly embarrassed to share them and I didn't know what her reaction would be.

I got hardly any reaction from my wife each time I shared. I am left feeling very disappointed by this as I feel that opening up and sharing like this "deserves" some kind of response. I am NOT saying that the response to it needs to be agreement to live out the fantasy! However, I feel that it deserves at least, for example something like:

Interest in learning more - "Interesting, let's talk about this. What about this turns you on" etc.

or

Clear signal she is not interested at all - "Repulsive! Honestly that kind of turns me off. Thanks for sharing but..."

or

Interest in exploring her possible interest - "Hmmm...that sounds hot what if we played around with the fantasy in this way (something she was in her comfort zone)".

or 

Enthusiasm for doing it - "Great..Ive had the same fantasy. Let's discuss and/or play it out"

or

Compromise - "Here's one of mine that is along a related theme..."

or

Trigger to get her to share - "I've never had an interest in that but here's one of mine.."

I think you get the idea. I feel hurt that it seems like she has not really thought about what I've shared with her. Like a shrug of the shoulders when I've gone out on a limb and shared these things with her. Also hurt that she does not seem to feel that me sharing these things has increased intimacy with me and that she's happy to know me better for it.

Again, I do not expect her to align around my fantasies or even to react right away...like if she thinks about it and then gives some kind of reaction at another time. But doesn't sharing deserve some kind of reaction? Any kind of reaction? Isn't a proverbial shoulder shrug insulting? I don't think that she's just afraid to say that she's repulsed as I've shared fantasies with very different themes. There is plenty of her to "play with" there.


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## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

I would suggest that you tell her what you just told us. Gently explain that you are concerned by her lack of response and ask if she is open to discussing the issue in any way. Try to keep the lines of communication open, without making her feel cornered.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

After you share the fantasy say, "So, what do you think?" My wife takes time to process things she she can be quiet when presented with information she doesn't know what to do with. She'll think about it for a while and talk about it to me later when she's comfortable enough. Sometimes I have to gently prod her and ask her about what I shared.


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## DeepBlue (Jan 30, 2012)

In my experience, some women are just not into sitting down and discussing these things. In fact, the whole process could be somewhat of a turn off. 

Personally, I had to resort to bit more sneakier methods. Such as bringing up the subject without actually making it the center of conversation and certainly not make a huge deal about it.

Sure, I would prefer a straight forward and to the point conversation. But, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Did you first ask her if she wanted to hear about your fantasy? I mean there would be times for me when I felt open to discussion or wanted to hear about it versus times when I would be like are you serious!? Why are you telling me this right here and right now!?

Hope that makes sense. Sometimes timing is everything!


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Thank you for your advice.

I agree sandc that sometimes these things take time and I realized that she might need to gather her thoughts. However we've been intimate now several times since then and I've tried very gentle prodding (OK more like hinting). NeverEnuff...yes, it's important not to make her feel cornered and that's part of my resistance to raising it directly. I should have asked her what she thought directly after I told her so even if she didn't have an immediate response I would be giving the message that there is an open question on the table owing a response at some point.

Her lack of response and my reluctance/fear of raising it again is showing me that we are not as open and intimate as I would like.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

DeepBlue said:


> In my experience, some women are just not into sitting down and discussing these things. In fact, the whole process could be somewhat of a turn off.
> 
> Personally, I had to resort to bit more sneakier methods. Such as bringing up the subject without actually making it the center of conversation and certainly not make a huge deal about it.
> 
> Sure, I would prefer a straight forward and to the point conversation. But, sometimes you just have to roll with the punches.


I agree. I did try to get the timing right. We were talking about sex, flirting a bit, drinking wine just to two of us, and a loosely related them came up within the previous couple of days.


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## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

raising5boyz said:


> Sometimes timing is everything!


This!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Timing IS everything, that's true too. Also, hints don't work for some people. Sometimes I catch them sometimes I don't. My wife rarely catches a hint. 

Are you sharing the fantasy before, during, or after sex?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

michzz said:


> At some point sharing turns into obsessive pestering.
> 
> Have you crossed into that?
> 
> If so, maybe she is just numb to it?


I agree but I have not crossed into this. Over the last 2 years I've probably shared 4 or 5 significant fantasies and i have not really followed up (or pestered for any of them).

My issue is that I don't know if I can solve the problem by being more direct or to beat around the bush more (or just give up and forget about sharing fantasies in the future).


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

sandc said:


> Timing IS everything, that's true too. Also, hints don't work for some people. Sometimes I catch them sometimes I don't. My wife rarely catches a hint.
> 
> Are you sharing the fantasy before, during, or after sex?


Mainly I've done it during sexy talk/flirting that eventually leads up to sex. Over wine, alone, intimate settings when we are getting along well. IOW, when it's most conducive to this kind of thing.


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## DeepBlue (Jan 30, 2012)

Might have to reformat the message a bit. Try multiple different approaches over extended time period.

This is probably not what you want to hear. But it has taken me years to get some forward momentum going on certain things I had interest in.

Persistence does pay off.


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## Woddy (Jan 3, 2013)

Perhaps she feels pressured to act your fantasy out. 
Also..your "different" and her "different" may be worlds apart. 
My ex husband told me about fantasies he had had of him with men and us "swapping"..Not my idea of a fun fantasy. He did it for 8 years until I told him to take his fantasy and you can guess the rest.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

michzz said:


> The crux of your trouble is that you are making sexual requests even if couching them as fantasies.
> 
> I have no idea what they are, but it is clear she does not share them--by her reaction.
> 
> She is telling you no.


OK, even if you want to call these sexual requests then I think even those deserve some kind of answer.

But they are NOT requests for sex acts but more like fantasy scenarios (obviously leading up to sex but no sex acts that she objects to or anything different from what we already do).

The point is that she is NOT telling me "no" but rather not telling me ANYTHING. I take your point that perhaps I should be taking a hint that she wants nothing to do with it but I thought it was clear in my post that i don't understand saying NOTHING when I have gone out on a limb to share something like quite personal like this. I also was clear in my post that it's not a binary, yes/no thing but she can also discuss it with me to better understand it and perhaps come up with a way to work this in where we are both comfortable with it.

I know her well and I am certain that I did not insult her with any of this. Nor have I done anything wrong by sharing this.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Woddy said:


> Perhaps she feels pressured to act your fantasy out.
> Also..your "different" and her "different" may be worlds apart.
> My ex husband told me about fantasies he had had of him with men and us "swapping"..Not my idea of a fun fantasy. He did it for 8 years until I told him to take his fantasy and you can guess the rest.


With respect, why on earth did it take you 8 years to tell him that you wanted no part of fantasies of this sort?

Anyway, my fantasies have nothing to do with wanting other people nor that I am gay or bisexual. They are not insulting or threatening to her in any way....and I've shared many with different themes. She's pretty open minded so they can't all be 'evil' for her! and she's not a shrinking violet and has no problem telling me to F off if I insulted her.


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## Woddy (Jan 3, 2013)

couple said:


> With respect, why on earth did it take you 8 years to tell him that you wanted no part of fantasies of this sort?
> 
> .


I told him at the very first suggestion ..however, he was a good husband, great dad (at the time), so as long as it was just talk, I let it slide although made it obvious that I was not "in". 

That's why on earth!!


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## NeverEnuff (Jan 2, 2013)

couple said:


> The point is that she is NOT telling me "no" but rather not telling me ANYTHING.


I would never presume to know where your wife stands on these matters. I can tell you that when my wife doesn't say "anything," that is often an indication that she has not taken an adamant position either way. I started another thread on here about pushing the sexual envelope. If you read through it you'll discover that I have repeatedly been rewarded for my persistence in such matters. So much so, that I'm afraid I may end up getting something that I wish I hadn't pushed for. Give and take is required for any meaningful relationship, but so is respect for individuality. Allow her all the time she needs to contemplate your request...and never assume that you know what a woman is thinking.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

NeverEnuff said:


> I would never presume to know where your wife stands on these matters. I can tell you that when my wife doesn't say "anything," that is often an indication that she has not taken an adamant position either way. I started another thread on here about pushing the sexual envelope. If you read through it you'll discover that I have repeatedly been rewarded for my persistence in such matters. So much so, that I'm afraid I may end up getting something that I wish I hadn't pushed for. Give and take is required for any meaningful relationship, but so is respect for individuality. Allow her all the time she needs to contemplate your request...and never assume that you know what a woman is thinking.


Good advice. It's a fine line between pestering and 'nurturing' interest in fantasies. It's important not to cross it.

FWIW, one of the fantasies that I've shared is very much oriented toward just discussion rather than acting out and she realizes this. Discussion = what we WOULD do, how we would feel, what if this, what if that, etc.


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Two grown adults who love one another should have no reason to not be able to discuss anything in their relationshiops ...... granted easier said than done.

It's probably more the fear of rejection or a negative response to one's fantasy ??? It's really something the other partner should listen and try to understand than a quick response of " ewwww no way " but that's part of the communication skils we all bring to the table ?!!?!


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