# Finding out by accident



## Thinkitthrough

Our problems ended back in 2008 when we ended our separation and got back together again. I should mention that I am ASD and that one of my qualities is loyalty. I know my wife said she had sex with 12 guys in the four years we were separated and that they were for the most part better built than I am and better lovers (ouch). I didn't like it much, but I am dogged in my commitments and went to IC to get through it all, Wife says its in the past so don't bother.
I am a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to computers, I am 60 and married for almost 40 years. I tried to uninstall a couple of unwanted programs and I erased the start functions and many of the other programs. I went to system restore and when it got working I find a bunch of strange files on my first page (the one with all the aps) So I open them usual stuff, some accounting work, information downloads but then I open one and it has a 15 page type script of sex talk with some guy named Bill dated back in late 2010 to 2011. From what they were saying it is clear they had sex many times. Then in a file about pictures of flowers I find some 25 photos of them having sex. Her sucking him off, his ****, him pounding on her and cum dribbling out of her vagina.
Her adopted (sort of) daughter was alone at her families cottage and my wife went up and was going to stay from Weds to Fri morning and the two of them would come home. Not certain about that now.
Any way I called her up and read some of the typescript to her. First she said it wasn't her, then she said she didn't remember it, then that it was when we were separated (I reminded her that by 2010-2011 we had been back together for three years) then she said it was fiction she was writing (for what purpose, yeah I believe she's writing the newest sex novel) Her final shot was that he was dead. (he didn`t look like a zombie and so what, she was ***king some guy who wasn`t me even if it was a couple of years ago). At that point she said don`t read it any more it will bother me (yeah thanks) About 20 minutes later I came on the pictures, so I called her back and told her what was in the pictures. Again she said don`t look and I said too late.
She hung up on me and hasn`t been available since.
First, I need to get more information from her as to the length of the affair, etc. why she was refusing sex with me while she was banging me. I`d like proof that he is dead. so I know where I`m headed.
I have phoned her sister, the guy she does the accounting for and her brother. I will wait to see what I am doing before I call my family. I haven`t spoken to them in a while a I guess I`ll need to.
I know what to do. Be cordial and control my temper. Speak to her about the regular things but not our relationship. Suggest marriage counselling. Separate my accounts, find a good lawyer and have her served. Canada is I believe no fault, but I want to see if there is some way I can get her adultery in the divorce papers
Division of property isn`t much as all we really have is my pension, and it tops up the divorced spouse. So her pension is about $10,000 dollars while mine is closer to $50,000 unless I stay and work till I'm 65, then I`ll get about $60.000. She has always thought that we would stay together because we can`t afford it otherwise.
To add to the mix I am on dialysis and working for another five years is a problem, and I`d need to afford to live near a unit, limits my housing options.
I guess the only thing I fear is dying alone. It was hard enough to find the one I got. Sucks


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## MattMatt

God. This is horrible for you.

OK, couple of questions.

Are you getting counselling over your discovery?

Also, who was involved in her affair? Was a third party taking the photos? That information might be hidden in the image file. The reason I ask is because if a third party took the images they may be willing to be a witness in any subsequent divorce.


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## 2ntnuf

Uh...yeah...I...don't know what to say except, I am so sorry you are going through this.


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## JCD

Here is my message to you: Get on with life. Don't throw her out. Don't read it again. Don't look at the pictures. Store them if necessary.

She is what she is. You state the important thing in your life is not dying alone. Okay. That means you need to suck this up. Unfortunately, you don't get a final vote on that. She can still leave. (but then again, she could get hit by a car tomorrow so there is no change there).

This is easy to say, but is necessary anyway. Divorce her in your heart. She is what she is. She doesn't really care about you except as a pet or HER insurance policy against not living alone.

She is your room mate now. Get used to this reality because someone who said such hurtful things shouldn't have been trusted anyway. Find some hobbies and squirrel away some cash.

This is based on what you say you want.


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## 6301

Honestly, I think seeing a MC is a waste of money. From what you describe, she has little to no respect for you and the marriage. She lies, cheats and IMO has not an ounce of remorse so why don't you use the money for a MC and put it towards a good attorney and cut her loose.

Make sure you save everything you found, texts, pictures, everything. Make a few copies in case you lose one and do not let her know where they are.


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## 2ntnuf

Friends. Get some friends, good ones. Learn how if you don't know. Many men support each other in times of trouble. I've seen it in my youth. They get together and do things. They help each other stave off loneliness. 

The kidney trouble throws an extra wrench into the works, but it can be worked around with friends. 

I don't think she gives a crap about you. You will have to decide at some point if it is worth staying with her. If you have some good friends, you might not want her around any more.


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## Convection

I read your thread from 18 months ago. Despite your fear of dying alone, I think your life only improves without her in it. The others are right; she has zero respect for you. Even with your health issues, losing the albatross around your neck will be an enormously liberating experience.

As 2nt said, single does not mean alone. Make friends, do things. Volunteer. Strike up a conversation with an old person in the park and make their day.

Whatever you do with her, it is time for you to live your life for yourself.


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## Openminded

Why do you think that even if you stay with her you won't die alone?


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## U.E. McGill

Life's challenges are about fear. You fear loneliness, so you accept a wife who deceives you. The evidence is in, she has zero disrespect for you. You even have proof. So you'd rather accept the devil you know, than venture down a road you don't?

Life is what you make of it. Why settle for mediocrity? Quit using your problems as a crutch. Live the life you want.


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## treyvion

You won't be alone for long, and you will feel less alone than with a cheater.


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## 2ntnuf

Openminded said:


> Why do you think that even if you stay with her you won't die alone?


I was thinking this same thing. Will it be easier to be alone or with someone who treats you like yesterday's news?


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## Thinkitthrough

Apparently by revealing to these people in her life she says`` I have ruined everything`. She called me back and said that she met the guy during the separation but didn`t see him till 2010 and went to him for sex once or twice a month. All I really told her was that I wasn`t mad so much as disappointed and sad that it had come to this. She reminded me that at the time she was trying to keep ir together. That was during the time that I had a low heart rate, failing kidneys and was unable to walk much but I just kept on working and doing what I had to do. She claimed that sex with him kept her from giving up and now that I`ve found out and exposed her to her brother, sister and a woman she admired greatly she has nothing to live for. Oh, and the only got together 6 or 9 times .
I asked her if that justified turning our marriage into a joke and me in to a cuckold. She says If that's how you want to look at it. 
I want her to come home so we can work it out together, but I suspect the marriage is over.. So Matt Matt, I am seeing a psychiatrist and may look to another counsellor. In particular a mindfulness program. The camera was static near as I can tell so they were taking the pictures.
I need to clarify, I am ASD and I have emotional deficits that make it difficult to know how people and girls in general are responding to me. I admire you guys who seem to be able to find girlfriends fairly quickly because I can`t. At 60 I have few friends and don`t know many women. I don`t even have a clear idea how I would go about it. I do not fear losing my wife as much as I fear living in a sterile loveless environment. 
U.E McGill This is true, life is about overcoming fear and as much as I don`t like the idea of being alone I like myself enough to be with me by myself but I would still like someone to be with, I just have a hard time finding them. What ever happens, and with good advice, I will come out of this is good shape.


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## Thinkitthrough

By the way, and as you have said, she under stands her pain and see this as something I am doing to her. I have a choice to feel haw I want about it and she is again not taking any calls. I will likely have to find a `shark` for a Lawyer and protect my butt.


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## Yeswecan

So you are having health issues and this provided a free pass for your W to do what she did? Horrible W and friend. Well, W and friends don't do this to one another. Are you sure you want to keep her around?


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## Thinkitthrough

No, She would have liked to keep it in the past but now she can't. I'm still to the point where I can't eat and don't sleep. That's okay I can afford to lose a bit more weight. I don't think I can get past this.


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## Thinkitthrough

If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville Does this seem unreasonable or knee jerk.


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## tom67

Thinkitthrough said:


> If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville Does this seem unreasonable or knee jerk.


That's the only avenue to take IF she is a biotch.


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## thummper

I hate divorce, but my God man, from what you've said your wife is an unfeeling, sleezy, pos. Don't how you can even look at her without feeling the need to vomit. And those pictures....! :banghead: What kind of woman would not only allow them to be taken, but also keep them around for someone to discover. Not a lot of brain power there. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I hope you can find peace and she can live out her years alone and shunned.


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## GusPolinski

Thinkitthrough said:


> ...I know my wife said she had sex with 12 guys in the four years we were separated and that they were for the most part better built than I am and better lovers (ouch)...


I'm all for reconciliation (where possible), but HOLY CRAP man...

If I were in your situation... and my wife told me all of ^this and I STILL decided to reconcile... and THEN found out that she'd been cheating WHILE we were together (and while I'd been experiencing a multitude of different health problems, no less)... and then found the chats and pics...

I'd be soooo done w/ her.


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## tom67

GusPolinski said:


> I'll all for reconciliation (where possible), but HOLY CRAP man...
> 
> If I were in your situation... and my wife told me all of ^this and I STILL decided to reconcile... and THEN found out that she'd been cheating WHILE we were together (and while I'd been experiencing a multitude of different health problems, no less)... and then found the chats and pics...
> 
> I'd be soooo done w/ her.


:iagree::iagree:
:wtf::slap::slap:
Dude really???
I'm waiting for...
"Dear Penthouse"


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## Chaparral

What led to your previous separation?


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## GusPolinski

Chaparral said:


> What led to your previous separation?


I'm thinking multiple dongs.


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## The Middleman

Thinkitthrough said:


> If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville Does this seem unreasonable or knee jerk.


This is not knee jerk at all. It is something you should do no matter what you deside to do; either stay or go.


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## Thinkitthrough

Thanks for everything
The reason for the first separation was a psychologist who said I was toxic and that she'd never get herself together if she stayed with me. She moved out for a couple of months but came back a mess. The second time I think that a whole lot was going wrong, our condo fees went crazy because the board was suing everyone. Turns out the guy behind our condo is the same guy who bilked Trump out of a couple of million dollars. She had decided to bring her mother to live with us (we had both worked in palliative care and refused to let her go there before it was necessary) but My mother-in-law deteriorated to the point that she needed more care than we could provide. When the wife decided we needed to buy a house so that she could have the upstairs set up for her to care for her mother and I would stay down stairs I balked. She was fighting the condo board and tried help people in real trouble as well as take care of her mother and supporting a drug addled Russian couple. I said enough is enough and we separated. After her mother passed and about three years and a couple of months we started dating and six months later we got back together. She had not bothered to tell me about her social life or what she had been up to until last year and I only found out last spring and that it was twelve guys. She used the fact that most of the 12 could bring her to orgasm while I had trouble getting her there. I have been reeling since then. She seems to think that she was justified in doing what she did and that it is my fault that she cheated. Her final argument is that she needed him to stay sane. She says I should let it go because it was three years ago, it was only six to nine times, she won't do it again, he's dead and I am not very good in bed. I want to talk to her to get my head around what happened and why. If she continues as she has I will expose her to our son, our friends and family, anyone else who needs to be told and Cheaterville. Can't eat, can't sleep but I'm watching Volcano and Los Angeles is sinking in lava. I sucks worse in L.A. than for me, if only I was a movie.


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## Chaparral

So she thinks you betrayed her when you separated the first time? She is using that as an excuse? I don't see how you can get over what she has done and it doesn't sound like she's interested in coming home.


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## aug

Yes, expose her for the piece of sh!t she is.

What you have seen, can not be unseen. Pictures of her performing sex acts are forever burned into your head. Can never be purged from your mind.

Very few marriage can survive this mess. Time to divorce her. And move on.


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## aug

I wonder if she had done this before during the 40 year marriage? Given that she's in the late 50's or early 60's and acted this way, I'm thinking she had other lovers you never knew about during her younger years.


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## Jasel

I don't want to say you should get a divorce, but you should get a divorce.


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## bandit.45

Get that divorce rolling. Your wayward wife is trash. The lowest form of it.


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## happy as a clam

Thinkitthrough said:


> I do not fear losing my wife as much as *I fear living in a sterile loveless environment.*


It appears that you already ARE living in a sterile, loveless environment.

I would hit the road.


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## Pluto2

So she's telling you she cheated for you, unreal.
She does not understand the pain of betrayal. She did this because she chose to do it, for her, nothing more. 
You say you fear living in a loveless marriage more than you fear losing your wife. I am afraid you are already there.

I'm so glad you are willing to get some counseling to help you through this. Perhaps you can also discuss the type of skills you could develop to make meeting new people, particularly women, easier.
Keep posting.


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## bandit.45

happy as a clam said:


> It appears that you already ARE living in a sterile, loveless environment.
> 
> I would hit the road.


You mean a diseased, loveless environment?


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## Dad&Hubby

Let me ask you this in regards to dieing alone.

After reading and seeing what you see....even though you're married....

How alone do you feel RIGHT NOW?!?!

You'd be LESS alone after a divorce because then you can bring POSITIVE people into your life.


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## Dad&Hubby

Thinkitthrough said:


> Thanks for everything
> The reason for the first separation was a psychologist who said I was toxic and that she'd never get herself together if she stayed with me. She moved out for a couple of months but came back a mess. The second time I think that a whole lot was going wrong, our condo fees went crazy because the board was suing everyone. Turns out the guy behind our condo is the same guy who bilked Trump out of a couple of million dollars. She had decided to bring her mother to live with us (we had both worked in palliative care and refused to let her go there before it was necessary) but My mother-in-law deteriorated to the point that she needed more care than we could provide. When the wife decided we needed to buy a house so that she could have the upstairs set up for her to care for her mother and I would stay down stairs I balked. She was fighting the condo board and tried help people in real trouble as well as take care of her mother and supporting a drug addled Russian couple. I said enough is enough and we separated. After her mother passed and about three years and a couple of months we started dating and six months later we got back together. She had not bothered to tell me about her social life or what she had been up to until last year and I only found out last spring and that it was twelve guys. She used the fact that most of the 12 could bring her to orgasm while I had trouble getting her there. I have been reeling since then. She seems to think that she was justified in doing what she did and that it is my fault that she cheated. Her final argument is that she needed him to stay sane. She says I should let it go because it was three years ago, it was only six to nine times, *she won't do it again, he's dead and I am not very good in bed.* I want to talk to her to get my head around what happened and why. If she continues as she has I will expose her to our son, our friends and family, anyone else who needs to be told and Cheaterville. Can't eat, can't sleep but I'm watching Volcano and Los Angeles is sinking in lava. I sucks worse in L.A. than for me, if only I was a movie.


Tell her she's had 13 other opinions,

You want at least a 2nd or third opinion on her "diagnosis"


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## Graywolf2

Thinkitthrough said:


> If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville.


Save copies of the photos and transcripts in various places and on the cloud. Do not release them lightly. It’s the only leverage you have in divorce and once you release them to her family she will become the victim (at least in her own mind).

I might be overreacting but I would tell her that if something happens to you (you die) they will be released.

Your wife is a real piece of work. Everything and I mean everything is about her, her needs, her reputation, her orgasm and her mother’s needs. Her justification for everything is that she needed it. 

I think she tolerates you being around only for her financial needs. She didn’t care if you were working while you were sick. That was your role and she needed the money.


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## Yeswecan

Thinkitthrough said:


> If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville Does this seem unreasonable or knee jerk.


I see no reason not to do it now. :scratchhead:

She is a real piece of work. Finish the job.


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## jnj express

It hasn't been 3 yrs since she cheated on you----IT HAS BEEN EVERY F'ing DAY SINCE BY LIES AND OMMISSION---she has looked you in the eyes day after day, and said everything is basically OK---when she knew what she was trying to take to the grave with her----she has never stopped CHEATING ON YOU-

--who gives a F if he's dead---your beef isn't with him anyway---ITS YOUR WIFE WHO TOOK VOWS WITH YOU, AND WHO AGREED TO HAVE YOUR BACK TIL DEATH DO YOU PART

Get your D, cuz living the rest of your life specially in retirement, where you will be with her for much of each day---you will trigger, and be terribly miserable----even lonliness is preferable to what your sub-conscious will do to you

Why would her and her allegedly dead lover need to take pictures---what were they gonna do, put em in an album, and look at them like family heirlooms

SHE NEEDS TO BE GONE FROM YOUR LIFE---WHEN SHE COMES HOME, HAVE HER CLOTHES PACKED IN SUITCASES, ON THE PORCH, AND DO NOT EVEN ALLOW HER IN THE HOUSE----she clearly shows no remorse/accountability, and you are just her MEAL TICKET----enuff is enuff----if you stay with her, it will simply be -----PICK YOUR OWN LEVEL OF MISERY


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## the guy

I would start taking that $50,000 and start having some fun....with out my wife!!!!


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## ArmyofJuan

Thinkitthrough said:


> She used the fact that most of the 12 could bring her to orgasm while I had trouble getting her there.


Did she need all 12? If one guy could do it why not stick with one instead of making it an even dozen? Women average about 4 sex partners in their lifetime (that sounds low but that's what the study I found says). She was just wh0ring herself out (sorry to sound disrespectful but what you describe does not sound like a good person). 



> She seems to think that she was justified in doing what she did and that it is my fault that she cheated.


That's not possible, nobody can make another person cheat. Sure they can make the environment favorable but the WS has to make that decision on their own.

Your W is a liar and using you as a meal ticket. Really rethink your desire to R.


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## tom67

Graywolf2 said:


> Save copies of the photos and transcripts in various places and on the cloud. Do not release them lightly. It’s the only leverage you have in divorce and once you release them to her family she will become the victim (at least in her own mind).
> 
> I might be overreacting but I would tell her that if something happens to you (you die) they will be released.
> 
> Your wife is a real piece of work. Everything and I mean everything is about her, her needs, her reputation, her orgasm and her mother’s needs. Her justification for everything is that she needed it.
> 
> I think she tolerates you being around only for her financial needs. She didn’t care if you were working while you were sick. That was your role and she needed the money.


Find out if she has life insurance policies on you that you don't know about.


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## harrybrown

Did she tell you who took the pictures, of video?

Did that person participate? Were there more than one man involved at a time?

and she kept the evidence! How would she feel if the roles were reversed? 

I am in my early 60s, married for 40 years. 

Go ahead and expose. Good luck with your kidneys, and you will be better off without her in your life.

Did she use condoms or does she have stds? Did you get a DNA test on your kids?


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## badmemory

Thinkitthrough said:


> I know what to do. Be cordial and control my temper. Speak to her about the regular things but not our relationship. *Suggest marriage counselling*. Separate my accounts, find a good lawyer and have her served. Canada is I believe no fault, but I want to see if there is some way I can get her adultery in the divorce papers.
> 
> I guess the only thing I fear is dying alone.


Your plan is good except for two things: 

- The marriage counseling. That signals to her that you would consider R (I hope you don't). It's also a waste of time and money for a non remorseful WW. 

- Instead of treating her cordially, you should aim for detached and indifferent.

I understand the fear of dying alone. I'm about your age. I suggest that you use your anger as a starting point to see this through. And in case you didn't know; in our age group, there are a lot more available women then men.


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## Graywolf2

tom67 said:


> Find out if she has life insurance policies on you that you don't know about.


Change your life insurance beneficiary on the policies that you do know about to someone besides your wife. She might need the money and her needs come first.


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## michzz

Thinkitthrough said:


> I asked her if that justified turning our marriage into a joke and me in to a cuckold. She says If that's how you want to look at it.
> I want her to come home so we can work it out together, but *I suspect the marriage is over*..


Yuck!

Your marriage is over and has been for a while.

Allow yourself to get out of it formally.

Too bad for her reputation.

But get some peace of mind and control of your life.

She has no respect for you.

Move on.


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## warlock07

Thinkitthrough said:


> If she stays as remorseless and *****y as she has been I will out her and send copies of the pictures and type script to our son, members of our families, her brothers and sisters, my brother, our friends and put her on cheaterville Does this seem unreasonable or knee jerk.


Don't traumatize them


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## dormant

Why would you even want to tell your son?????


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## WolverineFan

I was thinking the same thing Dormant. This is an issue between you and your wife. Telling your son accomplishes what? Him feeling sorry for you and hating his mother? There is no need to expose pictures to anyone. Adults know what is going on when sex is involved...

My heart goes out to you though and I am so very sorry for the heartache. I pray that the Lord will draw near and cause you to understand that you are never alone. This world is temporary but the next is eternal. I hope that you find peace and joy in His love. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## Dyokemm

"I was thinking the same thing Dormant. This is an issue between you and your wife. Telling your son accomplishes what? Him feeling sorry for you and hating his mother? There is no need to expose pictures to anyone. Adults know what is going on when sex is involved..."

Well, to each their own.

I would definitely tell my son....and any further whining or biotchiness in the forthcoming D proceedings, I would expose the pics too.

If people do not want to be exposed for being disgusting individuals, then they should refrain from doing disgusting and horrible things.


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## Thinkitthrough

Hi, spent the day in Hospital, dialysis and Neurological tests or I might have responded sooner. Wife is coming home tomorrow to talk. There are many questions I need answered and she wants to try again. She is starting to understand how much it hurts and how crushed I am. If, however she decides and I decide that it isn't going to work I will be forced to explain it to him. I have read so many times here that the way to get a cheaters head back where it is would be to Make them aware of the consequences. Do I intend to go scorched earth at this point, no. Do I want to expose her to our family, not really, but if she continues to lie, deceive and try to sweep it under the rug or forgets (like did she f*** him six times o r nine times) key facts it remains an option. She sort of said the same thing and I told her she should have figured on consequences when she put his di*k in her mouth or let him photo graph his cum on her butt. Its funny but for the first time in our marriage she is afraid of what I might do and say. How about posting them both on Cheaterville.


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## Thinkitthrough

Warlock, I will try to remember that. My life has had more than its share of trauma I sometimes think its normal and expect it. I am not a cruel man, but I'm up and down, at one point I am fine, thinking of questions I want to ask an a minute later I am looking at how to drop emotional napalm. I will not be rash but at times it seems a right course.


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## weightlifter

Holy mother of all mind movies batman!

You are 60. How old is she?

You are very nice. I woulda put her pics on youp0rn.

Sorry you are here. One of the worst I've seen and that is saying something.


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## michzz

just don't show traumatizing pictures of his mom to your son.

that is cruel and sick 



weightlifter said:


> Holy mother of all mind movies batman!
> 
> You are 60. How old is she?
> 
> You are very nice. I woulda put her pics on youp0rn.
> 
> Sorry you are here. One of the worst I've seen and that is saying something.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Thinkitthrough said:


> I I do not fear losing my wife as much as I fear living in a sterile loveless environment.


What do you think you have now? Is dying alone really worse than having this woman there with you in the your final moments while she's glad your time has final come while wishing it would have happened sooner? Put in for a kidney transplant and see a psychiatrist.


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## Thinkitthrough

She is 59. Phoenix I am on the transplant list and I see a Psychiatrist. Wife and I were going to start a mindful meditation program together, but I'm not sure I want to do anything with her. It takes between 4 to 9 years to get a transplant. Just about the time 'll be ready for a new relationship. By the way the anti-rejection drugs are strongly related to cancers common in dialysis and the cancer is as deadly as the Kidney s


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## ThePheonix

You need to get rid of this trollop pure and simple are replace her with a more reliable model. Since there are more women than men, the odd are in your favor. No excuses about your condition either. My 91 year old Viagra taking FIL has 14% kidney function and a 88 year old girl friend. Get in some support groups with lots of women.


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## QuietSoul

I'm really sorry you went through all of this. I know it might seem like a satisfying idea to send her pictures to relatives including your children, but you are only traumatising them. Telling them what happened is enough
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm

ArmyofJuan said:


> Did she need all 12? If one guy could do it why not stick with one instead of making it an even dozen? Women average about 4 sex partners in their lifetime (that sounds low but that's what the study I found says). She was just wh0ring herself out (sorry to sound disrespectful but what you describe does not sound like a good person).
> 
> 
> That's not possible, nobody can make another person cheat. Sure they can make the environment favorable but the WS has to make that decision on their own.
> 
> Your W is a liar and using you as a meal ticket. Really rethink your desire to R.


I find that number low, too, especially these days. I imagine if you throw out the "save yourself before marriage" and "got married at 20" groups, as well as the higher end, it would probably be more accurate. Not that it matters, but I'm guessing 8-12 is probably a more likely average.

Regardless, 12 in 3 years is a lot, imo. For anybody, at any age.

If I was separated for that long, or any amount of time really, I'd expect both parties would have had a fling or two. But to bounce around that frequently shows a low level of emotional attachment - something that she shows you by how she treats you when you're together.

I'd cut bait. She's 59 years old and still doesn't get the concept of loyalty - something that is important to you. It's not so much the physical acts she's taken part in that's eye-opening, it's the bouncing around from guy to guy and her ability to do so and not settle down that's concerning.

We all go through our sexual experimentation phases at some point or other. Usually late teens/early 20's. It helps us figure out what we like, what we don't like, and it also (sometimes) boosts our confidence. Whether we experiment with 3 people or 30, most folks arrive at the same point in development. You learn how sex works, you learn how relationships work, you learn all the different dynamics involved. Your wife clearly never learned.


----------



## alexm

tom67 said:


> Find out if she has life insurance policies on you that you don't know about.


Yikes. That is a very real thing you should be thinking about, OP.

With all your health problems, she may be banking on you not living until you're 95.

While you may be concerned about not dying alone, she may be more concerned about not dying penniless.

I'd have a hard time swallowing that somebody who didn't give a rats behind about me is living high on the hog as a result of my passing away.

Can you even take a life insurance policy out on somebody who doesn't know about it?


----------



## alexm

Thinkitthrough said:


> She is starting to understand how much it hurts and how crushed I am.


Sorry, but she's STARTING to???? You had to convince her of this? She was expecting you to be all "oh, I guess it's okay because my health wasn't good and it's been such a strain on you, so you're entitled to do what you want" ???

Married 40 years, and she's only just starting to learn that things like this are hurtful?

Your life will be better without her, guaranteed. GUARANTEED.

You don't want to die alone, but she isn't much of an alternative. In fact, it'd be a relief to her when you pass, because she doesn't have to deal with all the things she so very clearly doesn't want to deal with, having a sick husband. And she probably gets a sizable pay check at the end.

THAT'S what you want to spend the rest of your days with?

Believe it or not, OP, there's a market for single 60+ men out there. Even ones on kidney transplant lists. There are just as many women who "don't want to die alone" who would be thrilled to find a partner to spend the next 20-30 years with, and who would appreciate you, your presence, and your loyalty. Not some awful woman who's put out by your health issues and uses it as an excuse to do as she pleases.


----------



## aug

So, she's 59, married at 19 or so.

She doesnt say I feel I missed out on having dated other people, that she married too young. Her attitude and responses suggest to me that her recent 12 men was not her first time she had sex with other men during your 40 marriage.


----------



## mahike

I am usually a fan or R but in your case I really think you are only seeing the tip of the ice berg. I have to ask when you two were having sex, did she do those type of things with you? Did she let you take pictures?

I really think sex is part of the healing for anyone that R's and I sense that is off the table right now.

It does not sound like she is showing remorse at this time and I suspect that this type of behavior on her part has been going on a very long time.


----------



## bandit.45

For her to throw in your face that the other men were better in bed than you is the main reason I would dump her. That was just plain uncalled for. What a b!tch.

Why the hell would you even contemplate staying with someone like this?


----------



## Thinkitthrough

Sorry Another night no sleep, lost 2 kilo so far, can't eat and I don't feel like doing anything. Answer your question When we had sex it was limited to a few positions, nothing fancy, nothing like what is in the pictures I have of her and her lover. He died during their affair it seems, but my wife is doing a time line. Yes there are other infidelities along the way and she alternately admits to and then doesn't admit to her affairs. She tells me her lover was caring, compassionate and soulful, all things I am not. I asked her, why the hell didn't you move in with him, but she said there was nothing to move into. Other than sex he had no time for her. We are meeting later this morning and she promises to come clean about things. I am , confused scared and numb. I am surprized that I am not overtly angry but I do break down. I guess I will find out shortly and once I have the most of the story so hopefully she will fill in the gaps. e w


----------



## TRy

Thinkitthrough said:


> She tells me her lover was caring, compassionate and soulful, all things I am not. I asked her, why the hell didn't you move in with him, but she said there was nothing to move into. Other than sex he had no time for her.


 So "Other than sex he had no time for her", and that makes him more "caring, compassionate and soulful" than you? He used her only for sex, and that makes him better than you? If that is how she thinks about you, it is time to move on and find a wife to grow old with that values you. 

When you are young women have the advantage over men when it comes to dating, because they have men their age and up trying to date them, while men that are young have a much small pool since they usually will not date older women and date women pretty much only their age. When you reach middle age, it balances out. When you get older, the advantage swings to men because it is common for older men to date much younger women. Sure some older women date younger men, but that is not the norm. At your age you have more options than you did when you first married your wife those many years ago. You will be surprised at just how many women will be interested in you if you let them know that you are available. When my mother-in-law died, my father-in-law was shocked at how many of his wife's friends and other women made a move on him. They did not wait for my mother-in-law's body to grow cold. It was like a feeding frenzy. He liked being married so he soon thereafter married someone much younger than him. Somewhere out there is a woman that would love to be your wife and be loyal only to you; it is time that find her.


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## harrybrown

She is still kicking you in the teeth. 

How much more can your kidneys take? 

How would she like to be the backup plan? 

Has she shown you the death notice of the OM? (of course there are several OMs)

I hope he did not die from AIDS. When will she get you the std test results?


----------



## tom67

harrybrown said:


> She is still kicking you in the teeth.
> 
> How much more can your kidneys take?
> 
> How would she like to be the backup plan?
> 
> Has she shown you the death notice of the OM? (of course there are several OMs)
> 
> I hope he did not die from AIDS. When will she get you the std test results?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
I wouldn't wish this on anyone.


----------



## bandit.45

This woman is just nasty. I'd throw her skank butt out in the curb.


----------



## thatbpguy

Thinkitthrough said:


> Our problems ended back in 2008 when we ended our separation and got back together again. I should mention that I am ASD and that one of my qualities is loyalty. I know my wife said she had sex with 12 guys in the four years we were separated and that they were for the most part better built than I am and better lovers (ouch). I didn't like it much, but I am dogged in my commitments and went to IC to get through it all, Wife says its in the past so don't bother.
> I am a bit of a dinosaur when it comes to computers, I am 60 and married for almost 40 years. I tried to uninstall a couple of unwanted programs and I erased the start functions and many of the other programs. I went to system restore and when it got working I find a bunch of strange files on my first page (the one with all the aps) So I open them usual stuff, some accounting work, information downloads but then I open one and it has a 15 page type script of sex talk with some guy named Bill dated back in late 2010 to 2011. From what they were saying it is clear they had sex many times. Then in a file about pictures of flowers I find some 25 photos of them having sex. Her sucking him off, his ****, him pounding on her and cum dribbling out of her vagina.
> Her adopted (sort of) daughter was alone at her families cottage and my wife went up and was going to stay from Weds to Fri morning and the two of them would come home. Not certain about that now.
> Any way I called her up and read some of the typescript to her. First she said it wasn't her, then she said she didn't remember it, then that it was when we were separated (I reminded her that by 2010-2011 we had been back together for three years) then she said it was fiction she was writing (for what purpose, yeah I believe she's writing the newest sex novel) Her final shot was that he was dead. (he didn`t look like a zombie and so what, she was ***king some guy who wasn`t me even if it was a couple of years ago). At that point she said don`t read it any more it will bother me (yeah thanks) About 20 minutes later I came on the pictures, so I called her back and told her what was in the pictures. Again she said don`t look and I said too late.
> She hung up on me and hasn`t been available since.
> First, I need to get more information from her as to the length of the affair, etc. why she was refusing sex with me while she was banging me. I`d like proof that he is dead. so I know where I`m headed.
> I have phoned her sister, the guy she does the accounting for and her brother. I will wait to see what I am doing before I call my family. I haven`t spoken to them in a while a I guess I`ll need to.
> I know what to do. Be cordial and control my temper. Speak to her about the regular things but not our relationship. Suggest marriage counselling. Separate my accounts, find a good lawyer and have her served. Canada is I believe no fault, but I want to see if there is some way I can get her adultery in the divorce papers
> Division of property isn`t much as all we really have is my pension, and it tops up the divorced spouse. So her pension is about $10,000 dollars while mine is closer to $50,000 unless I stay and work till I'm 65, then I`ll get about $60.000. She has always thought that we would stay together because we can`t afford it otherwise.
> To add to the mix I am on dialysis and working for another five years is a problem, and I`d need to afford to live near a unit, limits my housing options.
> I guess the only thing I fear is dying alone. It was hard enough to find the one I got. Sucks


Coming in late.

She is a serial cheater, compulsive liar and you're not throwing her out????

What's wrong with THIS picture?


----------



## the guy

My I suggest that when you two meet and you want as many "gaps" filled in, you remain calm, do not be judgemental, and stay away from sarcastic remarks.

As hard as it was for me not to chock my old lady out when we were going thru this crap I needed to know the whole story. In order to get the whole truth I stayed calm, asked my questions and often repeated "thats interesting"...even though I want to blurt out "wh0re"...I knew that would shut her down so I kept my cool reassured her that what ever she told me I wouldn't hold it against her and made her believe that i could handle the truth and she needed to get this off her chest.

In my case it took several days to get through my old ladies cheating/second life style...after all it went back some 13 years.

Just remember its better to stop the conversation if you start to get pissed off then having her shut down...if she shuts down you will never get these "gaps" filled.

In the end I believe you need to walk away from this knowing what your wife has become and in order to to this you need to keep calm, convince her to stay open and truthful...after all what you have already seen and read can't be any worse then what she has to tell you.

Actually in my case it was worse but in order to get it all out there I had to keep my wife open, comfortable, and just listen.

Again being angry and sarcastic will only put your old lady on the defence and shut her down...never getting the whole story...or most of it any way.

When you and your old lady meet up be prepared to hear some of the craziest sh1t you ever imagined coming from her mouth.

Good luck on getting what you need from her, and you have to stay open cuz if she shuts down you may never get a chance to hear the whole story ever again.

Man some of the crap my old lady told me was unbelievable!!!!


----------



## ArmyofJuan

You are still in shock, maybe even in denial.

Give it time, when the anger stage hits is when things will get interesting. In a couple of months you are going to be in a different place mentally so understand.

I don't see a happy ending here.


----------



## aug

Thinkitthrough said:


> Sorry Another night no sleep, lost 2 kilo so far, can't eat and I don't feel like doing anything. Answer your question When we had sex it was limited to a few positions, nothing fancy, nothing like what is in the pictures I have of her and her lover. He died during their affair it seems, but my wife is doing a time line. *Yes there are other infidelities along the way and she alternately admits to and then doesn't admit to her affairs.* She tells me her lover was caring, compassionate and soulful, all things I am not. I asked her, why the hell didn't you move in with him, but she said there was nothing to move into. Other than sex he had no time for her. We are meeting later this morning and she promises to come clean about things. I am , confused scared and numb. I am surprized that I am not overtly angry but I do break down. I guess I will find out shortly and once I have the most of the story so hopefully she will fill in the gaps. e w



I hope you're not okay being married to someone who cheated on you throughout your marriage.

You do have proof now (thanks to modern technology) of her cheating. I dont see how you can ever overcome those recovered pictures you have of her.

One of the best ways to survive this and move on is to learn to detach from her. Read up on the 180. The 180 is for your sanity and survival; it is not to win your lifelong cheating wife back.

Get as much info from her that you can (for closure). Then start your 180.


----------



## BobSimmons

One of the threads were eventually everybody will be p***ed off but the OP


----------



## BradWesley

bandit.45 said:


> For her to throw in your face that the other men were better in bed than you is the main reason I would dump her. That was just plain uncalled for. What a b!tch.
> 
> Why the hell would you even contemplate staying with someone like this?


This right here is the ultimate insult.


----------



## sinnister

I have a really strong stomach. 

Reading this made me sick. Dude...I have no words that can help you through this.


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## bandit.45

BradWesley said:


> This right here is the ultimate insult.


It would have taken every ounce if my self control to keep from caving her fvcking head in.


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## OldWolf57

Do not even hope you are going to get the full story.
In fact, you can be pretty much count on getting no more than what you already know.

Hell, she may be still doing it. She is well practiced.


----------



## 2ntnuf

OldWolf57 said:


> Do not even hope you are going to get the full story.
> In fact, you can be pretty much count on getting no more than what you already know.


That's what I think. You never know, though. Stranger things have happened. We still haven't heard what was going on that she had to choose to go outside the marriage. Well, I guess she thought it was implied permission since he was ill with kidney problems and couldn't do it. 

Did she ever even subtly talk about that possibility, cts? Is it possible you missed it or took it as a joke in disbelief?


----------



## staystrong

I think the OP is looking at all of this strategically.


----------



## staystrong

2ntnuf said:


> That's what I think. You never know, though. Stranger things have happened. We still haven't heard what was going on that she had to choose to go outside the marriage. Well, I guess she thought it was implied permission since he was ill with kidney problems and couldn't do it.
> 
> Did she ever even subtly talk about that possibility, cts? Is it possible you missed it or took it as a joke in disbelief?


She had to go outside the marriage with 12 different men?

I just don't know how anyone could deal with this. 

12 men!


----------



## 2ntnuf

staystrong said:


> She had to go outside the marriage with 12 different men?
> 
> I just don't know how anyone could deal with this.
> 
> 12 men!


Yeah, but it took a while to find the right one, who wouldn't talk and who would be available and so on and so forth. 

Truthfully, it could have started this way. I knew a woman who did this. The only difference was, she did it with one man. Hubs was okay if it was kept quiet. And it was, too.  

I heard it in the bar she came into. Never saw her before, but she was a hot 40 something all fixed up with paint and smelly stuff. 

This is only half joking. It is true about the woman, and I do wonder what may have happened that gave the green light.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Thinkitthrough said:


> She tells me her lover was caring, compassionate and soulful, all things I am not.


If my W said something like that to me I would physically remove her from my house. I would not spend one second in the same room with someone who would disrespect me like that.

Please don't put up with her emasculating behavior. She is just spitting in your face telling you stuff like this.


----------



## 2ntnuf

She wants him to fight for her or she has already been to an attorney and is goading him into something that will hurt. 

This is a precarious situation. Why tell him that out of the blue? There's a reason she did that. It isn't pretty either.


----------



## BradWesley

bandit.45 said:


> It would have taken every ounce if my self control to keep from caving her fvcking head in.


Yup, that may be one of the things that would cause me to pull the trigger on my Glock.


----------



## TryingToRecover

2ntnuf said:


> I was thinking this same thing. Will it be easier to be alone or with someone who treats you like yesterday's news?


I agree. No offense to the OP and what he's going through - but - I do believe I would now be more afraid to still be with this person when I died, as opposed to being afraid of dying alone.

OP, this is a truly horrible situation and I feel for you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## clipclop2

And only one off them was named Judas but it wasn't your wife...


----------



## ThePheonix

TRy said:


> So "Other than sex he had no time for her", and that makes him more "caring, compassionate and soulful" than you?


With this vampire the ability to stay in the saddle is definition of "caring, compassionate and soulful". Apparently, trying to satisfy her killed him.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I agree with everyone else - dump her cheating, remorseless a$$ - she is disgusting and cruel.

One thing that is bothering me - why did she take a picture of him dead??? That is seriously fvcked up. I'd like to think he was just sleeping or passed out, not DEAD.


----------



## bryanp

If you don't respect yourself then who will?
Enough is enough!


----------



## Thinkitthrough

sorry I only have one hand and limited movement because of the dialysis machine. no she didn't take a picture of he dead. I might take one though, if I didn't kill him. oddly enough his heart failed on him one night when he was sleeping.

my wife is back and last night and today we engaged in arguing and explaining. she called him a psychic mate sent by god, I reminded her that Jesus limited us to one spouse only and the rest off limits.
she said she felt our marriage was no marriage because I have my problems in bed, never pleased her, can be an as at times and because of my asd and that I never accomplished anything with out her help. she also said her lover was a manager of some sort of commercial lights and staging for things like mtv award shows and the like. he starts a project figures it out then does it. nearly 30 years of teaching, writing, building web sites curriculum and being trusted by both administration and the union coached championship girl's rugby teams and on an average year having the highest student contacts doesn't count, nor did the ma with an average 4.0 
or any of the other things and I don't make a lot of money. what can I do

we agreed to live in the same house for six months. She is to tell me everything about her affair including the stuff that will hurt me. we will find a way to live till we can afford to split. she said it didn't matter, she was going to drive away and live in her car. god forgive me, I said to her if it makes you happy go do it, same thing when she says she has no reason to live and wants to kill herself I I said okay
Monday I am going to the bank to open my own accounts. I will not pay for her car and I want off the credit cards she uses, then I have appointments to half hour appointments with some lawyers. I want to find hammerhead shark to pound her head and eat her alive. in Canada the law says that assets are 50/50 but you can shorten the time it takes to a couple of months if you can prove adultery Between the pictures and the chat room transcripts she is done,
for a man making 100,000 a year the standard alimony is about 2500 but after the tax deduction its down to about 1500, more than I can afford but manageable,

on the distaff, I have never really felt this level of pain and loss. when I spoke to her and she talks about how good he is I got her to admit that he wasn't good but immoral


----------



## 2ntnuf

Try to get into some individual counseling. It will help you cope with the pain. 

So sorry you had to hear all of that. Glad you are moving on separating the finances and so forth. You have to protect yourself.


----------



## clipclop2

You make more than 100k a year and she says you don't make a lot money? You are doing pretty ok.

Glad you can prove adultery. But while she is feeling so worthless why not ask her to sign away her right to alimony?


----------



## clipclop2

By the way, do you really want to hear it all? What's the benefit to you if you are going to split?


----------



## bandit.45

With all your ailments you are still making $100k a year? Wow. My hat is off to you. Few healthy men do that. 

Your wife is a psychopath. Get rid of her. Whenever she says she wants to die, hand her a bottle of your pain pills. "Here. Go at it. Just make sure you do it outside somewhere. I don't want you stinking up the house."


----------



## 2ntnuf

I think just the main points would be enough. I think you only want to know what will help you to deal with the future. If that is all of it, then it is. Just be careful you don't hear too much. The problem with it is, you don't know if she is telling the truth. If you are divorcing, she has nothing to gain by telling the truth. If you are reconciling, she has nothing to gain by telling all the gory details. It's a kind of catch 22 and you can likely only believe the major stuff. Some of what you hear may be just to hurt you for hurting her enough to cheat on you. rolleyes: on that last sentence)


----------



## Thinkitthrough

I decided that I would work as long as I could before I had to quit or it killed me. It got me out of the house and I love coaching, teaching and working up curriculum. I teach law (lol).
Next thing I need to do is read No More nice Guy and some of the others you have mentioned I am also thinking about Attila the Hun's guide to a good marriage, or Get any senior girl you want, or trolling old folk's homes and senior's apartment to get the sex you want
One common bit of advice is waiting for some time and think about what you want protect yourself and then decide. She says that if we split (her if) she doesn't want any money from me (hope that means my pension too. But I have read on TAM that such gesture last about as long as the WW starts to think about financing her good life. I am thinking of squirreling away some money, and see if I can borrow some from my dad to pay for lawyers etc.
Is it wrong for me to post the dead guy on cheaterville. Everybody thought he was so wonderful that I think a little bit of tarnish belongs on his statue. I would post my wife to Even saying that caused me to trigger.
You are all so right, my digest failure to date is in my language, (I worked as a trucker for 5 years obvious anger and sense of betrayal not to mention be naturally sarcastic. One of my students said that I was the most natural, authentic and sincere in my use of bad language.
I am having a problem with manning up because of my ASD I have to think it through all the time. I need to relax, let the mind go and do it naturally. (I hope that works) Just Do It


----------



## clipclop2

He isn't going to sue you! I'm not huge on the use of CV but I'd it makes you feel better...

Get her to sign away her claim to your pension, etc. Jump on that pronto.


----------



## Thinkitthrough

Infidelity, to my mind is like a disease that robs you of concentration, strength and your self confidence, self worth and sense of well being. Like a cancer, it needs to be excised every last bit of it. Then I can start to heal.
It will also help me to come to terms with what a POS my WW and someday soon ex, really was.


----------



## LongWalk

Get away from her. Make sure you don't give her jack shxt in the settlement. After you are divorced, if she loves you, she will wait on you hand and foot, without expectation.


----------



## BobSimmons

Mate, you have all on your plate, with regards to hearing the details of what they are doing or why, for me I'd leave off.

You are right, it is a cancer but by getting all the details (and I do believe there is some sort of twisted ego boost a wayward gets sharing a story about how great things are etc, especially when still engaged in the affair) Look, her telling you OM makes her feel like superwoman and watching your face crumble will only serve to magnify her BS. Who does it benefit, certainly not you.

You're on the right path, separate accounts etc. 180 as quickly as possible and I would out my two cents in, not to engage her about the affair or ask her details. Stop feeding the quote unquote monster, that ego and start on your own healing.


----------



## ILoveSparkles

Thinkitthrough said:


> Her final shot was that he was dead. (he didn`t look like a zombie
> 
> I`d like proof that he is dead. so I know where I`m headed.


I hope I am misunderstanding what you wrote here....


----------



## Forest

I believe the more your mind works out these betrayals, the less you will worry about severing ties with her. You'll realize this is a woman unworthy of wasting your life with.

Another particularly disgusting part of the story is that she is still carrying on at her age. No way to argue its a young, stupid mistake. This woman has scuttled you, and is now the admiral of her own adultery fleet.


----------



## murphy5

Thinkitthrough said:


> I guess the only thing I fear is dying alone. It was hard enough to find the one I got. Sucks


that is the wrong way to think. adopt the warrior's attitude. Read "the book of five rings". A warrior always choses death. He embraces it. If there is a battle coming where he can die, the chooses the battle, does not consider retreat. 

Another way to look at it is the roman toast: "to those who are about to die, we salute you", or the Vulcan saying "Today IS a good day to die!"


----------



## Marduk

Pretty sure in Canada adultery doesn't matter for squat. In my province, anyway.

Good ol' no fault divorce.


----------



## Thinkitthrough

marduk: The only benefit to adultery is that it does away with the year separation requirement and shortens it up to a couple of months. I've got the papers downloaded but I need the time to fill it out. My idea was that the adultery stays on the file for ever.
Her lover is in fact dead. I fear that if he hadn't died she might still be going to see him. 

We continue to talk but _ have decided to do 180 to limit conversation. I asked her why she would make those picture. She said it was a hobby and private. They took them to look at when they needed to masturbate. At the very least she now talks about cream pies and ***k buddies without blushing like she would have years ago.

I did learn that they met on a hook-up site for people who wanted sex, but no relationship. The longest time she ever stayed at his house was about an hour and rarely longer. There was no relationship just hi, take your cloths off, lets ***k. She told me that she figured I was dying and so I would never find out. He died about two weeks after there last hook up. She called him some two to three weeks later to find out he was dead. I said I was mad that he died because I would have laid waste to his world like the two of them laid waste to mine. She said she was mad at him too, so I asked why, were you hoping to keep it up for years. No answer.
Seeing some signs of remorse. She is crying and apologizing and realizes the pain she has caused etc. I question her sincerity since she still defends the affair. I was sick and going to die, she was depressed and in a bleak place and having sex with him was the only time she was treated as if she had any value, he built up her confidence and recharged her batteries so she could come home and take care of me and feel human. I said that it was a bad choice a wrong thing to do because it turned her into a liar, a deceiver and a common adulterer. Later on she as crying because she had done nothing with her life and was ending it all with adultery. It didn't matter how long she lived, she ***ked up her family, husband and children and betrayed the most important people in her life. (yeah right, your academy award is there by the door)
I am starting the 180 and moving to divorce. I found a lawyer who's office specializes in divorce from the male side. The material I have is more than enough for adultery and she still says she doesn't want my money.
I have really appreciated you TAMers' advice. I am grateful for your words of support, They give me confidence that I am doing the right thing. Thank you so very much._


----------



## Divinely Favored

Tell her "You realize if he died without being remorseful and repentant for practicing adultery with her he is already in hell...and will be there for eternity due to the choices they made together...that is the ultimate consequence of their actions...repent and turn from her evil ways or burn...its that simple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

Thinkitthrough said:


> Seeing some signs of remorse. She is crying and apologizing and realizes the pain she has caused etc. I question her sincerity since she still defends the affair.


Great. Give her a nice long list of what you'd need to see from her before you'd consider calling off the divorce. Including weekly IC, monthly MC, a polygraph, a postnup, a complete timeline, going with you to her family to admit to them what she's done, complete change of friends (who most likely helped or condoned)...things like that. Tell her to let you know when she's completed it all. In the meantime, you're moving forward.


----------



## Marduk

turnera said:


> Great. Give her a nice long list of what you'd need to see from her before you'd consider calling off the divorce. Including weekly IC, monthly MC, a polygraph, a postnup, a complete timeline, going with you to her family to admit to them what she's done, complete change of friends (who most likely helped or condoned)...things like that. Tell her to let you know when she's completed it all. In the meantime, you're moving forward.


I dunno how you'd ever trust a woman that would abandon you during this time and go and purposefully seek meaningless sex.

Sounds like addictive behaviour to me.


----------



## Divinely Favored

turnera said:


> Great. Give her a nice long list of what you'd need to see from her before you'd consider calling off the divorce. Including weekly IC, monthly MC, a polygraph, a postnup, a complete timeline, going with you to her family to admit to them what she's done, complete change of friends (who most likely helped or condoned)...things like that. Tell her to let you know when she's completed it all. In the meantime, you're moving forward.


If she is still defending the affair she is not remorseful at all. Only that she was caught and her world is gonna get blown up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

She has clearly shown that you could never depend on her in a time of need. Would she have expected that for you if the roles were reversed? It is sad that you believe that you don't deserve better than this.


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## Turin74

*Re: Re: Finding out by accident*

Knew a couple who's marriage was more on the rocks than Concordia... No respect, no emotional attachment, nothing. Yet when he was diagnosed with cancer, she threw everything aside and stayed and supported him with everything she's got until the end. Here, if my reading is correct, the "thought you are going to die and you never was able to please me" is something I'll be struggling to find the analogy. Can't imagine the amount of remorse that can ever compensate this. 


bryanp said:


> She has clearly shown that you could never depend on her in a time of need. Would she have expected that for you if the roles were reversed? It is sad that you believe that you don't deserve better than this.


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## aug

Thinkitthrough said:


> I did learn that they met on a hook-up site for people who wanted sex, but no relationship. The longest time she ever stayed at his house was about an hour and rarely longer. There was no relationship just hi, take your cloths off, lets ***k.* She told me that she figured I was dying and so I would never find out. He died about two weeks after there last hook up.* She called him some two to three weeks later to find out he was dead. I said I was mad that he died because I would have laid waste to his world like the two of them laid waste to mine. She said she was mad at him too, so I asked why, were you hoping to keep it up for years. No answer.



oh, the irony...


----------



## the guy

This has to be the biggest karma bus for an AP I have ever read here at TAM.


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## Chaparral

How have you verified that what she is telling you about him dying is in fact true?


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## Thinkitthrough

Yes I have. His 0bituary said he died Aug 25. My wife (erstwhile) was not contacted by him for nearly 6 weeks and was wondering if he had a new lover or if they were still on. His boss emailed her back to say he was dead, and already cremated. Apparently the woman mentioned in the Obit was his ex. He was on a hook up web site, which is wear they met. She tells me the site was a sex only
site and that she didn't love him, he was never going to marry her, and all they had between them was sex and he was good at it. If the copies of their conversations are accurate she didn't go to him more than once a month and even less. Her total of nine is also supported by the copies.
My problem is that while we are getting along in a distant sort of way and I view her as a person who shares space with me. Some times I actually like her, and could love her enough to take back. Most of the time I can't even look at her. I trigger several times a day and burst out into yelling, cursing at her and referring to thins she did in the pictures or said in the typescript. I think I have PTSD.
I have my first appointment with a psychiatrist on Friday and some IC to start after we go back to school on the 2 of September. Oddly I have new cloths that look good on me, I hit the gym and rugby pitch 3rd of September. I am getting to close to retirement to fell a lot of enthusiasm but, it gets me out of the house to do things I love and get home while my wife is too tired to do much, like talk and argue with me. She has been begging me not to leave and not to tell our son about the situation. Now that I have names of his sisters and brothers and his kid I am prepared to blast the reputation of
the SOB. That may make me a very good man, but he destroyed my family, in the event, my son's family and I will ensure that every one from his employer to his ex knows what a POS he was.
When I am in a calm safe place all I feel now is sad and disappointed and trying to come to terms who looks like my wife, but isn't 
Our finances are separate and I will not pay for debts and credit cards the I didn't create or use she can also cover the costs of her car. I have seen a few Lawyers, but I haven't found one I like yet but there is time


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## Divinely Favored

Begging you not to tell your son and other family members shows she is not remorseful she doesn't wanna look bad. I would tell every one! They need to know its on her for the divorce. She is a work.... He was good at it...shows with pictures and memories of him that even if she were having sex with you he is the one she would mentally be with him and you would be just a living dildo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong

You sound solid considering the circumstances.

There are no words. Cut her out of your life forever.. she is absolutely horrible and not a "wife" by any measure of the word.


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## Chaparral

Before you make any major decisions, talk to your counselor. Make sure he/she is a good fit or move on. Ptsd counsling experience is a must along with infidelity experience.

It will be interesting to get their take on your wife's motives for cheating. There has been at least one other thread where the wife had an affair when she thought her husband was dying of cancer. People deal with disaster in strange ways.


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## turnera

The thing is, if she's that comfortable SEEKING OUT someone to do it with, why would she ever STOP seeking someone out? You'd be on guard the rest of your life, trying to please her in the bedroom so she doesn't feel the need to get some strange, something 'better' than you. 

I don't know that I'd blast everyone in his life with the news, though. Maybe quietly tell his wife/ex and parents or siblings, just so they know what he did in case other women (and maybe kids) come out of the woodwork). Or not. Makes no difference now. 

The only people I'd be sure to tell is your wife's family.


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## Thinkitthrough

The reason why she cheated was that our marriage has been so bad that she knew two weeks in that she shouldn't have married me. Premarital sex was bad, marital sex was bad and she lost interest. I ballooned to 340 pounds on a five eight frame and couldn't have cared about sex. I was very ill in 2010-2011. The problem was a drug overdose of a heart medication that dropped my heart rate into the low 30's. At the time I was sent or a stress test and failed it badly I was sent to cardio-rehab where I was doing the exercises while overdosed on atenolol for about three weeks. When the error was discovered the drugs were adjusted, but the damage done took another 8 months to fix. I think that I was still working at the time.
My wife would send me off to work and then go over to his condo downtown.
Since then I have dropped to 195 (still to fat) and am trying to lose more. I feel much better, have done a lot of walking and dialysis has made a difference.

My wife has said she will do anything I want, I can stay or go, send her away or not. We have agreed to let things settle before we make a decision. She has even said that she didn't want any money from me but given that we live in one of the more expensive cities in North America I have a feeling that won't last too long.

At the moment I have real problems with the "Mind Still Pictures", triggering and outbursts of extreme anger and frustration. I am not violent but can be hard in my language. I use images and am very sarcastic. She is not used to me standing up to her and not letting her reshape the stories.

She seems to be pulling her head out of the sand. She has admitted that while her lover had a really good job he wasn't always so nice. She said they didn't talk too much just ***ked and she went home. That seems to make it worse, but she thinks I should feel better about it because there was no love, connection or emotion between them. I asked her if she had intercourse with him and she had to say yes, the I asked how having sex is different if your are in love on not. You have still broken your vows. She replied that I never really believed in my vows because I am not as religious or spiritual as she is. But then she broke her vows and I did not, and she was the religious one? Eight days out, one step at a time, I will get through this and I will be better for it.


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## ThePheonix

Thinkitthrough said:


> She said they didn't talk too much just ***ked and she went home.


I hate to break it to you but if a man's going to cheat, her actions are a classic example to what a man is looking for in an affair partner.


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## turnera

Thinkitthrough said:


> I am not violent but can be hard in my language. I use images and am very sarcastic. She is not used to me standing up to her and not letting her reshape the stories.


Have you read No More Mr. Nice Guy? It would help with this a lot. You'd gain enough confidence to not need to be sarcastic and will learn a healthy way to stand up for yourself.


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## mahike

These are all very hard things to deal with. You should only want to work on things if she is really remorseful for what she has done. 

At this point she is blaming you and pointing at you. When this should be about her asking for forgiveness


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## wmn1

Thinkitthrough said:


> By the way, and as you have said, she under stands her pain and see this as something I am doing to her. I have a choice to feel haw I want about it and she is again not taking any calls. I will likely have to find a `shark` for a Lawyer and protect my butt.


Sadly, I see many different aspects of this issue based upon your description. 

1) You don't want to die alone
2) The person who you feel is your safety net has become a defensive and sloppy betrayer who is now acting erratically.
3) If you have been married for 40 years , how many times do you feel this may have happened even in healthier times ? Not that it is ever acceptable

What I would suggest is this

1) Keep the documentation and find an exceptional attorney
2) Move on with your life, try to keep the divorce amicable if possible 
3) Get some hobbies, join some clubs of interest and find some retired friends who will be there for you in the end.

I do feel badly for you but your willingness to keep your hands in this fight is actually your undoing

It doesn't get any better for you unless you act and stop making excuses.

Good luck


----------



## Thinkitthrough

Turnera: Thank you for the advice. I started to read NMMNG some time ago as being a doormat was an issue. I had to put it aside when my work needed more attention. I am trying to put my courses and readings and supplements on the internet and I need to be ready by Sept 2nd.

When I confronted her my wife was so upset that I had found the pictures and typescript that she purged the computer to get rid of them. NMMNG went with them. I really believe that she did the purge out of horror, guilt and embarrassment when faced with the hard copies of pictures and script.
I have dealt with her "explanations" and held her to task. I admit that I've been a poor husband in many ways and take the lion share of the marriage problems but her cheating was a choice she made that was 100% on her. The logical fallacy of compartmentalization is that the BS is directly connected to the OM/OW through the cheater. To argue, as she did, that her fxxxbuddy and I are separate entities and unrelated is untenable. 

wmn: Not entirely certain of what you mean by excuses. I am ASD and have a need to find out the why of things and collect information before I decide how to act. This is why it was important for me to read the typescript and look at the pictures as well as trying to find out what she was thinking. The problem is that once I am satisfied I know what I need, I can let things go, to my own detriment.


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## Divinely Favored

Take the drive to see if they can be recovered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thinkitthrough

Will get it from the web again and turn it into hard copy


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## ThePheonix

A quick question for you TT. Are you looking to have her as a wife or a companion? This girl is never going to be a wife. She been programmed not to find your type desirable as a romantic partner and you ain't going to change that, I don't care what books you read. She's just not into you.
She may however make a suitable companion and rudimentary care taker. If that's the case, why not let her function as being a companion as best she can and quit worrying about what she does. You've basically had a "business arrangement" from her perspective from day one and you apparently have been getting something out of it. Just go with the flow my man.


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## ShootMePlz!

Does your wife realize that the OM has the same pictures at his place? His family would have to go in and clean out all his stuff from his place eventually...they had to have seen the pictures Also his email account Phone etc!!


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## Thinkitthrough

Turnera. thank you for the suggestion, I have started reading NMMNG. I share many qualities of the nice guy moderated by asd. I like people to think I'm a nice guy but I have had to deal with conflict as part of an volunteer office I was part of the leadership and felt that I had an obligation to stand and fight and lead from the front, no matter the consequences. I cad see how my actions are not those of a nice guy, but there is an argument that only a nice guy would put himself in harm's way


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## Thinkitthrough

ThePhoenix, ShootMePlz and Divinely Favoured 
Was working on the computer last couple of days and the drive and there is a distinct possibility that it was hacked but why would a random hacker do this. The reason that it appeared on my part of the computer is that we were sharing a computer. Each part was walled off to prevent crossing, but the computer is old and some of the programs old and outdated. I'll keep looking.
I guess it was early in the morning, or late Tuesday night. There was
something on the TV that triggered me and my wife said something that really got to me. I am lucky that my pictures are stills so the don't move but........
I just let her have it, both barrels. lots of choice descriptive language, directed comment that seemed to come from the heart of the pain. She went to her room and cried for a long time before her drugs could take effect.
When I got up weds. I fold a very down cast and quiet wife. I have never seen her like that. She didn't try to defend anything but apologised again and again. For the first time ever she referred to herself as a wicked. She said she would understand that if I threw her out she would go live on the street, that she was undeserving for what she had done and she couldn't meet my eyes. I told her that I meant to take time and wouldn't throw her out at this point in time.
She made me breakfast and delivered it to the table, first time since for ever. Later she said that the most horrible thing she had done was stop having sex with me some 30 years ago reducing us to roommates. Then she asked if I would make love with her. I was terrified since my history of love making and lack of skills has gone a long way to my celibacy. She didn't care. When we got to the deed we agreed to go slowly but much to my amazement I tired her out, and again that night and this morning.
At the moment I am on a self confidence high, with self esteem like I've never had.
I'm still on the six month track. I have three copies of my evidence and she can't find them. One is in my lawyer's safe keeping to be revealed to her lawyers and the courts. A set to be copied and sent to my family and hers and a set for the dead guys brother and sister, but only if it seems necessary.
I am too warm and fuzzy to think about those things at the moment.


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## bandit.45

Hmmm. Interesting. 

Good for you.


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## tom67

bandit.45 said:


> Hmmm. Interesting.
> 
> Good for you.


Yes:smthumbup:
HB on steroids.
:lol:


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## khaleesibest

I am so sorry that you are going thru this... so sad. If she loves you it's worth moving past it. If you feel she doesn't then you should move on. Good luck!


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## Divinely Favored

AKE HER GET STD TEST AND SHOW YOU THE RESULTS! Some states you can not claim adultery if you have sex with them after discovery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

You can't blame these states DF. If you have sex with them, knowing about their indiscretions, you can't be too upset about it. (or at least not upset enough you're will to turn down a roll in the sack)


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## Turin74

OMG, 

Never posted to this thread and I expect this to be considered cruel, unwarranted, short sighted, whatever, but I'm going to say one thing:

Her plan B seems to be working.


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## Dad&Hubby

intheory said:


> *There a hundred ways to have difficulties sexually; and a hundred ways to solve those difficulties.  *


Thinkitthrough, This is so true.

I have performance issues with my first wife. I was worried that, as I aged, maybe I had physical issues. It turned out the only thing I needed to fix my "sexual performance"

Was find a different woman.


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## Thinkitthrough

Thank you all again. Although I have not yet tried to find another woman, I am proving to myself that what ever problems I had seem gone. Best sex ever. But I am not naive.
STD test, yes, clear both of us.
Do I love her, not sure yet, but we are spending my plan's good money to find out together, singly and I am seeing a psychiatrist.
I still have PTSD, trigger regularly but have the rages under control.
I am also ASD so its a little more complicated.
I have looked at the pictures and read the transcript till they no longer bother me as objects. I can even say that some of the pictures are so well done the border on art.
I am still pissed off that he died before I could talk to him and tell him whats what
As to the wife. If she can get me to love her again it might be worth while staying together. We do have grandchildren and a 40 year investment and my wife's pension would offend a street person,
She says I am not her plan B as she never intended to leave me for him, just didn't bother to tell me about it. I need her to explain that better
When I touch her, or we are getting intimate (she wants me to put it in and do the job) and I think, did he do this or touch her there, and I asked her is there anything left to make ours. We have a couple of ideas.
I still want a time line. I was medicated into oblivion for much of the time, I want to be clear at least of the timings. I really have a limited memory of her during her affair.
The Lawyers have the evidence should I need it and copies to send to his family and hers.
If things arre better in six months, I'll pull it all back in and destroy it, Just keep a stick in case.
If not, I will file, Can you think of anyting else


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## turnera

Thinkitthrough said:


> When I touch her, or we are getting intimate (she wants me to put it in and do the job) and I think, did he do this or touch her there, and I asked her is there anything left to make ours. We have a couple of ideas.


I HIGHLY encourage you to get hold of a copy of this book. It will take care of your problem.

And have you read HNHN together and done the questionnaires? Do that asap.

And are you spending 15-20 hours a week together on non-work/chores/kids stuff? Do that too.


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## Thinkitthrough

Turnera: Yes we are and making a point of it. His Needs Her Needs, yes. In dialysis tonight so tomorrow. Thanks again.


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## Thinkitthrough

Have a kid in one of my classes, similar name to DOM (deceased other man) and I flippped. Doing good with the mind movies but I could parely get through the class and it go worse after that. Wife had hard time but did her best. I had hoped as time passed things might get clearer and answers might appear. Not so much. Keeping mouth shut, listening, reading and looking to TAM.


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## bandit.45

You're a more tolerant man than I. 

Had she been my wife I would have driven her to West Hollywood and dumped her off on a corner where all the hookers congregate. She would be fine. She would be among her own kind, making a living doing what she does best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thinkitthrough

Not exactly tolerant, not happy and not sure I can make it. when I said six months I meant it and committed myself to the path and I will follow it to its end.
My preferred approach would have to drop her at his front door bags in hand, but he is dead.
She would rather start over as of a few days ago. I have gotten in the habit of telling her why I am triggering and what I am seeing. 
I have demanded complete honesty and detail if I need it. If it bothers her, or she has a hard time with the pain she is causing or feels down I tell her it was her decision and she should have thought more about it


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## hookares

TT, the only person who deserves your consideration at this time is you. Rather than offer you support when you had your medical issues revealed, she decided to lend the concern to the "better equipped" sleazebags.
She can find companionship in spite of her limited retirement. She's already provided you with photographic proof of it.


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## Thinkitthrough

Thank you. I am getting more confused and oess sure of things, Its a confidence thing. I was taking care of me for about a week and it has started to slip away. I need to give myself a shake and start doing the work. Go or stay seems a simple question.


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## ThePheonix

bandit.45 said:


> You're a more tolerant man than I.


He's good at making the best of a bad situation. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tv-ZMYt-oaY&index=3&list=PL9BB790A5ACCEAB69


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## turnera

Did you find the book I suggested?


----------



## wmn1

Thinkitthrough said:


> Thank you all again. Although I have not yet tried to find another woman, I am proving to myself that what ever problems I had seem gone. Best sex ever. But I am not naive.
> STD test, yes, clear both of us.
> Do I love her, not sure yet, but we are spending my plan's good money to find out together, singly and I am seeing a psychiatrist.
> I still have PTSD, trigger regularly but have the rages under control.
> I am also ASD so its a little more complicated.
> I have looked at the pictures and read the transcript till they no longer bother me as objects. I can even say that some of the pictures are so well done the border on art.
> I am still pissed off that he died before I could talk to him and tell him whats what
> As to the wife. If she can get me to love her again it might be worth while staying together. We do have grandchildren and a 40 year investment and my wife's pension would offend a street person,
> She says I am not her plan B as she never intended to leave me for him, just didn't bother to tell me about it. I need her to explain that better
> When I touch her, or we are getting intimate (she wants me to put it in and do the job) and I think, did he do this or touch her there, and I asked her is there anything left to make ours. We have a couple of ideas.
> I still want a time line. I was medicated into oblivion for much of the time, I want to be clear at least of the timings. I really have a limited memory of her during her affair.
> The Lawyers have the evidence should I need it and copies to send to his family and hers.
> If things arre better in six months, I'll pull it all back in and destroy it, Just keep a stick in case.
> If not, I will file, Can you think of anyting else


Just curious why 6 months ? Many people would either clean the slate or hold on to them for a very long time ? Not criticizing, just wondering


----------



## Thinkitthrough

Sorry I have been off this site because of work, marking etc. So
Turnera: It is on order and we await Amazon Canada to ship. It said two weeks on the order.
Its a funny idea but I am able to deal with crisis far better than no crisis. I have been through a number of crisis and usually handle them fairly effectively. Its the day to day stuff that I fall down on.
The down xside of my ASD here is that I don't want to give up till it done. I have never dropped a failing course, or given up on a cause or on a student or on the girls rugby team, or my wife. Even now I have my problems letting go and yet can't commit to staying either.
As the shock leaves the pain grows and my anger with it. I am starting to gain control of things and thinking of my future. My wife is serious.y wracked with guilt and remorse but can't see why I won't let go and need questions answered. She wiukd rather forget and move on, but I'm not ready.
Why six months, because I said I would take six months, The advice in other threads is a mix between bail now and take time to calm down. I don't want to respond to a bad choice with a worse choice. Since I'n not that attractive to women and awkward I don't fear a RA and in my younger days had problems finding dates. I'm not creepy ir anything like that, just a little dull on the exterior.
I wasn't aware that mind movies, or mind pictures in my case would be so pervasive. If I clear my mind they move in, they superimpose on her when she moves or does something. I find myself more sad sometimes than angry.
From what I've read and what my wife has told me I think that she never told him she was married, They met whiile we were separated and on our way to the divorce that never happened. I can't imagine that only meeting in the mornings and being together less than two hours should have clued him in that something was up. Since he hadn't called her for six weeks (two of which he was dead, but he died suddenly and without warning in his sleep) they really hadn't spoken in a month and in that last email my wife asks him if he has someone else and is breaking up with her. I think that may have been the case, that she was going to get dumped anyway.
I guess my problem is that I am not too happy with the person I might become. I wished he was alive at one point so I could use the evidence against him at work, show his family and daughter who is only eighteen and in first year university for what reason. If he didn't know that she was married and that she had sought him out and left him believing she was divorced, I can hardly vent on him or destrroy his reputation. He is not as guilty as I had thought and hoped. It leaves me looking more at my wife. The I see the pictures again or listen to the typscript read in her voice, I go on tuesday to find if their are any drugs that might help me with this.


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## bandit.45

You're concentrating on this latest man a lot. 

Well what about the eleven or so others that came before him...when you weren't separated?


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## Thinkitthrough

We weren't living together and we weren't legally separated. I had thought that it made a difference. Under Canadian family law a separation is a separation, legally done or not. I knew about the 12 from the time we got back together and had talked them through. Mostly one night stands, and one relationship. I understand them and my wife was completely open about it. I didn't feel threatened by them. My wife insists that she went to him for the release and comfort she got from the sex, but had no illusions that it was anything else. When we talk about the affair there is a fondness in it that she didn't have for the others. From the emails I get the sense there was something more there. He hadn't contacted her in six weeks and had been dead two weeks when she contacted him. I suspect that if he had been there when she emailed him she would have gone to him, but I get the feeling that he was going to dump her anyway. When I asked her if he had replied would she still be with him and she says she didn't know, but didn't think it would have lasted much longer. She liked the sex and I am not sure that she has told me everything that passed between them, but he is gone and beyond reach. I don't believe in ghost whisperers but when I suggested we meet up with a medium and maybe he'd stop by for a chat and my erstwhile wife sort of flipped out. She does believe and in her mind he might show up. I guess that their relationship was the one that hurt the most and is the one where she showed the most connection. I'm not sure where this is going but if we R I will never get closure with him.
I hope I make sense but this has been a roller coaster ride and I ramble a bit. I am still trying to organize my thoughts and I am still leaning toward Divorce some months down the road


----------



## the guy

I too know about all the ONS's, but the one that hurt the most was the one with a "friend".. Even the affair that lasted the longest, the one she connected the most with was nothing compared to the double betrayal!


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## 2yearsago

the guy said:


> I too know about all the ONS's, but the one that hurt the most was the one with a "friend".. Even the affair that lasted the longest, the one she connected the most with was nothing compared to the double betrayal!


Total agree here. It's the emotional part of the affair that cuts the deepest.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Intheknow

2yearsago said:


> Total agree here. It's the emotional part of the affair that cuts the deepest.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:
Absolutely agree. My WW was depressed for months after it ended because she thought the POSOM was her soul mate. Would have been easier to reconcile if it was drunken sex ****buddy, in my opinion.
:rofl:


----------



## Blossom Leigh

Thinkitthrough said:


> I am still leaning toward Divorce some months down the road



Good... stay on that path.. and if possible get a super sweet dog or cat for companionship and nurture the friendships you do have add more when you are ready.


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## bandit.45

Twelve guys? Holy moley.

That's stank.


----------



## Thinkitthrough

So here we are. I keep thinking of questions to ask and usually ask her. What I wanted to know was why she had taken the pictures. At first she said it was his hobby and she enjoyed it but finally it came out that the pictures were so he could masterbate to her on the days she couldn't come over. She went on to say that he was skyping women, on several meet women sites And what she called hook up sites. So he was having sex with more than one woman, cybersex with others and face to face masterbation on Skype. He may have been good in bed but he seems to have a problem. The mrs said that she didn't mind his other activities since she only went to him occasionally and he gave her good sex and what she needed at that time.
This lead to her exploding and we argued quite bitterly. I sent her an email about where I was and I got a hand written letter when i got home. She called it her "Suicide Manefesto" . In the manifesto she suggested several banking and financial changes that would be better if she were gone. She tried to commit suicide once when she was 14 and while I know that she is deeply depressed she says that I am relentless and attacking and owerwhelm her with my questions. When I ask her about stuff she collapses into a moras of guilt, self hate, rremorce, anger at her self fo what she did, sorry she hurt me so bady and that she was going to end it anyway. Then she exploded, Said she didn't care about what I wanted or needed, that she wasn't going to answer any more questions because I got too angry for hera and She said she was witholding sex until I came out of the past and was ready to move on in the present. She doesn't want to speak of fastest and the best.
I said six months but I'm not sure. She said she had tried to forget about it and had forgotten, till I reminded her and she fell into hell again. If I want to be married I have to stop asking her about her AFFAIR, CAUSE SHE WASN'T GOING TO ANSWER. She said she was mad at me when we were talking that she exagerated the numbers to hurt me. She only went out with 8, although she had sex with six and two of them weren't very good.
I need a more full explaination, as her mind changes regularly and I don't know if she is serious, angry or depressed. I think I need to complete the papers and work with the lawyer to decide when to move forward on the divorce.


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## Chaparral

You need counseling with a counselor that is competent with infidelity and PTSD. The course you are on is going to mess you both up worse.

How often are you bringing this up with your wife. Make a deal with her that you wont talk about it but once a week for 30 mins. There is no guarantee you can get over this, her either.


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## Blossom Leigh

Stop the roller coaster... you cannot tell which way is up or down with this woman,... Yell down at the ride operator to stop the ride for you so you can step off and go chase down your sanity that hopped off at the last stop. You will need it to recover from this pit of mire and destruction.


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## badmemory

Thinkitthrough said:


> She said she was mad at me when we were talking that she exagerated the numbers to hurt me. She *only* went out with 8, although she had sex with six and two of them weren't very good.
> 
> *Well, why didn't she say that at first? Good gawd. I'll take "Minimizing that Insults Your Intelligence" for $200 Alex. *
> 
> I *think* I need to complete the papers and work with the lawyer to decide when to move forward on the divorce.
> 
> *Thinkitthrough, you're thinking to much. You know what you should do. You've just got to pull the trigger.*


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## bandit.45

Twelve, eight, six, two....two hundred maybe? She wasn't keeping track. She's a sex addict. It's like asking a heroine user how many times they've shot up. 

This woman lies so much she can't even keep track of the lies. 

Talkitthrough...just get away from this woman. Get far away. Go dark and divorce her stank ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Thinkitthrough said:


> he gave her good sex and what she needed at that time.
> This lead to her exploding and we argued quite bitterly.
> I got a hand written letter when i got home. She called it her "Suicide Manifesto" .
> she says that I am relentless and attacking and overwhelm her with my questions.
> When I ask her about stuff she collapses into a morass of guilt, self hate, remorse, anger at her self for what she did, sorry she hurt me so bady and that she was going to end it anyway.
> Then she exploded, Said she didn't care about what I wanted or needed, that she wasn't going to answer any more questions because I got too angry for her
> She said she was witholding sex until I came out of the past and was ready to move on in the present.
> She said she had tried to forget about it and had forgotten, till I reminded her and she fell into hell again.
> If I want to be married I have to stop asking her about her AFFAIR
> She said she was mad at me when we were talking that she exaggerated the numbers to hurt me.
> She only went out with 8, although she had sex with six and *two of them weren't very good*.
> I think I need to complete the papers and work with the lawyer to decide when to move forward on the divorce.


Ya think?

You just described every single possible thing that a wayward could do wrong, every possible way for a cheater to show she has NO remorse, cares ONLY about herself, is willing to trash you so bad and compare you to other men so that you feel worthless, and is willing to make it ALL ABOUT HER.

Sounds like she learned a loooooot through all this. Yeah, right.


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## alexm

In 2 years, or 5 years, or 10 years - whenever this selfish boor of a woman is out of your life - you will look back at this time and kill yourself for not getting away from her sooner. You might laugh at it. You might cry. But you will regret - I guarantee it - not getting her out of your life sooner.

I absolutely, 100% promise you that this "woman" brings nothing positive to you r life AT ALL.

And when you eventually DO find a decent human being to share your life with - and it WILL happen - you will wonder just what the ____ you were thinking by putting yourself through this.

This wife of yours is barely a human being. She may blame her issues on other things (past childhood trauma? depression? BPD?) WHO CARES. Those are her problems, not yours. The instant she stepped out on you, they went from shared concerns, to solely hers.


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## bandit.45

alexm said:


> In 2 years, or 5 years, or 10 years - whenever this selfish boor of a woman is out of your life - you will look back at this time and kill yourself for not getting away from her sooner. You might laugh at it. You might cry. But you will regret - I guarantee it - not getting her out of your life sooner.
> 
> I absolutely, 100% promise you that this "woman" brings nothing positive to you r life AT ALL.
> 
> And when you eventually DO find a decent human being to share your life with - and it WILL happen - you will wonder just what the ____ you were thinking by putting yourself through this.
> 
> This wife of yours is barely a human being. She may blame her issues on other things (past childhood trauma? depression? BPD?) WHO CARES. Those are her problems, not yours. The instant she stepped out on you, they went from shared concerns, to solely hers.


:iagree:


This. 

She brings nothing positive to your life..

Zero, zilch, zip, nada....goose egg....0.


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## Jasel

Jasel said:


> I don't want to say you should get a divorce, but you should get a divorce.


Now when I say you should get a divorce, I actually _want_ to say it.


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## arbitrator

*You don't need to die alone! There's someone out there who will love you for who you are.

But one thing's for certain. If there's a will present and you've provided for her, amend it pronto. She shouldn't be entitled to anything more than the statement, 

"And to my skanky wife who always wanted to be remembered in my will: 'Well, hello darling!'"*


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## Thinkitthrough

Chaparral: again thanks for the suggestion, we have adopted it. My wife wants us to forget and move on. I remembered a bit of the book she was reading, says the worst thing a WW could say to the BS is "get over it" and by dealing in honesty you must answer the questions without minimising or hiding bits or even try to protect you
from more hurt. Trying to stay focused on what I want out of this mess.
Limited to the time set aside for talking my wife says we need to spend more time doing things we like to do. She hasn't fussed over me in years, now its so important the tea and toast are hot end have the right (?) spread on it, she wants to know if I have enough money and that my clothes for the day washed and pressed. If I ask or sex she agrees and if I don't she will initiate In the event She has a few trickd
We do talk more, listen more and do kind things like girsad


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## nuclearnightmare

Thinkitthrough said:


> Chaparral: again thanks for the suggestion, we have adopted it. My wife wants us to forget and move on. I remembered a bit of the book she was reading, says the worst thing a WW could say to the BS is "get over it" and by dealing in honesty you must answer the questions without minimising or hiding bits or even try to protect you
> from more hurt. Trying to stay focused on what I want out of this mess.
> Limited to the time set aside for talking my wife says we need to spend more time doing things we like to do. She hasn't fussed over me in years, now its so important the tea and toast are hot end have the right (?) spread on it, she wants to know if I have enough money and that my clothes for the day washed and pressed. If I ask or sex she agrees and if I don't she will initiate In the event She has a few trickd
> We do talk more, listen more and do kind things like girsad



Thinkit --

you've talked about your condition - Aspergers - and its limitations. but whatever personality disorder she has, it appears to be the kind where the "sufferer" is essentially incapable of loving anyone. you've invested 40 years with her, but you really need to view it as a bad investmant IMO, and now cut your losses. 
If you stay married to her you are indeed likely to die alone, either because she leaves you or is out having another affair while you're in the process of dying. If you want someone to love you and support you - emotionally and physically - for the rest of your life you really don't have a choice but to look for someone else.

and has already been mentioned, the way you describe her she does seem capable of killing you, or having you killed, if she can convince herself that is in her interest. that is not out of the question when someone is as narcisstic as she appears to be. e.g. life insurance coverage. change your policies and make sure she knows she is no longer a beneficiary.


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## wmn1

nuclearnightmare said:


> Thinkit --
> 
> you've talked about your condition - Aspergers - and its limitations. but whatever personality disorder she has, it appears to be the kind where the "sufferer" is essentially incapable of loving anyone. you've invested 40 years with her, but you really need to view it as a bad investmant IMO, and now cut your losses.
> If you stay married to her you are indeed likely to die alone, either because she leaves you or is out having another affair while you're in the process of dying. If you want someone to love you and support you - emotionally and physically - for the rest of your life you really don't have a choice but to look for someone else.
> 
> and has already been mentioned, the way you describe her she does seem capable of killing you, or having you killed, if she can convince herself that is in her interest. that is not out of the question when someone is as narcisstic as she appears to be. e.g. life insurance coverage. change your policies and make sure she knows she is no longer a beneficiary.


I agree. I am still wondering why there is still a question on this after reading the initial thread. However, it's his decision and not mine but ..... pictures of another guy creampie on the face, it's a deal breaker for me, actually the cheating is.

None the less I wish him luck but I don't think there's anything we can say to change his mind because he's rugsweeping


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## MattMatt

Chaparral said:


> You need counseling with a counselor that is competent with infidelity and PTSD. The course you are on is going to mess you both up worse.
> 
> How often are you bringing this up with your wife. Make a deal with her that you wont talk about it but once a week for 30 mins. There is no guarantee you can get over this, her either.


Also, seek out a counsellor who has experience dealing with people who are ASD, if that's possible.


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