# Why have I lose interest in sex?



## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I've been really stressed at work and have also taken on studying for a professional qualification. My business has gone through a tough time and I'm doing everything I can to get it sorted. Thankfully, I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead, but need to do all my marketing alongside this. Plus, I'm really run down with a lingering viral infection which has wiped me out.

This has majorly taken it's toll on my libido. Usually high drive, when it comes to sex I would rather pull my toenails out with red hot pliers at the moment. 

My partner is sulking, but honestly, we have been together for 7 years. Will it really hurt him to go a couple of weeks with just using his hand and laptop? I feel at breaking point and the more he tries, the less I want sex with him. It's yet another committment and someone else draining my time and energy.

I'll probably get a slating from the men here, but seriously, I could quite happily run away and join the circus right now. All I want to do is to be left alone and get on with work. Once I've finished, I want to work out, have a shower and collapse. Being asked for sex is frankly annoying. I feel like telling him that he's a big boy and he'll have to wait until I've finished this busy spurt.

I should also add that I find it hard to live with someone. I seriously like my alone time and it's what keeps me a sane and reasonable person. I honestly feel I have no energy to give him right now. However, it's for the greater good. Once I've finished this business qualification, I will have networked and once I've done what I need to do I can move forward and make more money. This is great for both of us. 

Am I being unreasonable? I think a short term sacrifice is worth it. Nevertheless, I'm a stubborn person and the more I'm mithered and cajolled, they less likely I am to give in, 'cause it just gives me the rage! 

Any suggestions on how to get the libido up? Btw, there's no way I'm letting someone be intimate with me if I don't feel comfortable with it, that's borderline rape or sexual assult in my books. 

Once I've got my massive to do list out of the way, I'm happy to go at it like a rabbit again.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Have you consider using toys to spice things up in bed room could be a good way to get the ball rolling.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

What if he said to you "honey I don't want to talk to you anymore I am just too stressed...talk to someone else, or yourself"? 

Sex for men is like talking for women. It bonds them and helps them feel loved, desired and connected. You are denying a very big part of him here. Sex is fun. You have no time for fun in your life?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You misunderstand your partner. Are you annoyed because you think he is trying to make you give him something? 

I have come to understand that a man wanting sex with the woman he loves is a way to stay emotionally connected to her. Its also a way of comforting and showing that he cares. Seems strange, right? 

But that's how it is. Look up the threads of Gettingit. If you knew that your partner feels lonely, rejected and unloved right now would that melt your heart? 

You sound busy and hassled so I don't wonder that you want to take things off off your plate. But don't take love between you and your partner off your plate. Would you be willing to read a short book? His Need, Her Needs. 

This is an important time in your relationship. The way you get though this will color the rest of your relationship. You are free to put him on the back burner but he may put you there too. 

By the time you get back around to him he may be emotionally gone and no longer interested in making that special effort to show you love. 

Think about it. What you wrote in your post is commonly declared by some women. If they only knew the harm they do to themselves because they don't understand. It seems incredible to turn away love, no? Try to understand, think out of the usual box.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I think the feeling loved and connected thing can go for either gender. My husband and I have always been opposite on this, even at times when my libido was lower I still felt the need to be bonded. 

That said, yes I think you saying that he should just wait and you have no time for him is a problem. You can't carve out a few minutes of time to let him know that you love him and you are in this together. Giving of yourself to another even when you don't feel like it is not near the same as rape, I've been in both shoes and they are not the same. Giving of yourself is a choice you make because you love them. 

Would it be helpful to you if you approached him saying something like, "Thank you for your patience while I'm so busy. Tonight I've carved out some time to thank you for your patience and love while everything is so busy for me." Seriously when my husbands T was low him making me offers without any guilt but as a this is something I want to do for you totally hit the spot. Who knows he may offer to take some of the stressors off your plate if he knows you appreciate him.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If you are unwell you shouldn't have to have sex. Tell your husband you need a break, tell him what he can do to help lighten your load.

Then promise him when you are feeling better (in a few days) and less stressed that you will devote time to sex. That you want to talk about what turns you both on. Then do it, light some candles, have a bath, dress so you feel sexy and start by massaging each other and light playful talk about sex/ fantasies, and ease yourself into it. 

If however after this time your sex drive not return, maybe some counseling is in order, so that you can work on any resentments, or things that are putting you off sex. 

Good luck.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

WellyVamp said:


> I'll probably get a slating from the men here, but seriously, I could quite happily run away and join the circus right now. All I want to do is to be left alone and get on with work. Once I've finished, I want to work out, have a shower and collapse. Being asked for sex is frankly annoying.


You have a right to set your priorities:
-heal from illness
-professional certification/work
-working out
-shower

I can't imagine a guy complaining about not making your list, all these tasks seem much more important than bonding with a partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> What if he said to you "honey I don't want to talk to you anymore I am just too stressed...talk to someone else, or yourself"?


He will say this if he's feeling stressed. I will have a brief moment of indignation and then phone a friend. 

I'm so stressed about work, getting new clients and keeping existing ones happy so they keep coming back. Then there's the studying. Right now I ache all over. I couldn't get to sleep for ages last night and was almost in tears because my bones and skin just hurt. Paracetamol just didn't cut it. 

I find it really hard to get in the mood for sex right now. My head is buzzing from new things I've learned and what I need to do. My energy is running low and I've got a killer couple of weeks ahead of me. 

That's probably the difference between my partner and I. When things aren't like this, we could have sex twice a day and I would still want to go an extra round (although he's at the age when he can't). Nevertheless, when I'm stressed, worrying about the future and feeling poorly, sex is the furthest thing from my mind. I don't want to hurt him, but I really don't know how to get myself feeling turned on given my current circumstances. I fancy him and love him to bits, so no fault of his.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I should probably also add that I was previously in an extremely abusive relationship before I met my partner. The guy wouldn't take no for an answer and even forced me just after I had had surgery, which was extremely painful and upsetting. 

This is why there is no way I can have sex when I don't feel like it. It triggers massive panic attacks. I've a few sessions of CBT since then, but it hasn't solved the problem. My partner knows about this.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

Dont worry soon he will stop asking for sex. 

....or develope a porn habit that your body doesnt meet up to.

...or find someone who can meet his sexual needs.

....or just shut down (as you have) and become LD (happened to me)

Its your choice how to handle it . good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

WellyVamp said:


> I've been really stressed at work and have also taken on studying for a professional qualification. My business has gone through a tough time and I'm doing everything I can to get it sorted. Thankfully, I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead, but need to do all my marketing alongside this. Plus, I'm really run down with a lingering viral infection which has wiped me out.
> 
> This has majorly taken it's toll on my libido. Usually high drive, when it comes to sex I would rather pull my toenails out with red hot pliers at the moment.
> 
> ...


So what about having him engaging in sexual activities with another woman until you are able to have sex again? Would you be okay with that plan? 

Personally I couldn't do that, but I wouldn't be okay with what you are proposing. It sounds like you would rather dedicate your life to your job rather than your partner. That wouldn't work for me. If my partner treated me like that, I'd be gone. To each their own.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Well, my partner has a really laid back attitude to things like saving for a pension and for if/when a rainy day comes. If I don't sort it out, he won't. So, yes, work does come first in this respect. I want to make sure my family has security! 

If he can't appreciate that, perhaps he should find somebody else?

soulseer and TopsyTurvy5, are you seriously suggesting that a grown man can't go without sex for a couple of weeks whilst his missus is ill and bogged down with work and studying? Surely this is a temporary state of affairs. Shouldn't a man be glad to have a sensible, proactive partner who cares about their long term financial stability? Life can't be fun and games all the time.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

I should also add that I'm just generally worried about my libido. To be honest, it's been lower since I started a new anti seizure medication. I've been on it for four months.

I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Other meds have a libido killing effect and make your weight balloon, and the one that didn't stopped being effective for me. 

The side effects are a pita. I feel like a bit of a zombie, wiped out all the time and it has really lowered my sex drive. I've also put on about 10 pounds which I can't seem to shift. I eat clean and work out, but I think a lot of it is water retention because my feet are always swollen and I can't wear some of my shoes. On the other hand, other meds have worse side effects. 

So, I feel fat, exhausted and spaced out. Kind of hard to get aroused when you're like this. I was insatiable this time last year. Funnily enough, my partner was not and I was discussing that on here! Things have completely turned around. Now he's the one who wants sex all the time and I don't. 

I'd really like advice from anyone else who's on meds with these kinds of side effects. I was hoping they would wear off after a couple of months, but no.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

WellyVamp said:


> I should also add that I'm just generally worried about my libido. To be honest, it's been lower since I started a new anti seizure medication. I've been on it for four months.
> 
> I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. Other meds have a libido killing effect and make your weight balloon, and the one that didn't stopped being effective for me.
> 
> ...


Ah ok, so it sounds like its not just stress causing you issues here. For me, sex and orgasm help my stress which is why I suggested doing it anyway sort of thing. It sounds like you might want to talk to your DR or perhaps ask a naturopathic DR. Your hormones might be out of whack. I hope you find answers soon.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Ah ok, so it sounds like its not just stress causing you issues here. For me, sex and orgasm help my stress which is why I suggested doing it anyway sort of thing. It sounds like you might want to talk to your DR or perhaps ask a naturopathic DR. Your hormones might be out of whack. I hope you find answers soon.


I wouldn't really like to put my health in the hands of a naturopath for a condition like epilepsy, but I appreciate what you are saying! A lot of epilepsy meds have dodgy side effects. 

I've got to work and study over the weekend and don't think I'll get a day off until next weekend. My partner is complaining, but what's the alternative? Lots of people work long hours and we would struggle if I didn't work. I became self employed when I lost my job and the market isn't great. This isn't something I do to spite him, it's out of necessity and I just feel too tired for sex. Obviously the side effects from the meds don't help!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

It's all about priorities, I have issues like this with my wife. When I see her finding the time and energy for things like working out, volunteer work, picking weeds..etc, but then tells me she is too tired or doesn't have time to be intimate, I feel like I am way down her list. All those things are great, fine, I don't begrudge her anything she wants to do, but after several years of this, I get it. She simply doesn't want sex, filling her time with other things is just a way to avoid it. The consequences for my family are bad


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I completely disagree that it's ok for him to get it elsewhere while you are ill. 

Obviously this isn't the norm for you. If it was that would be different. Reasure him that you fancy him, but you need a little bit of time. 

Any man who does not care about your health and well being is not worth it. 

To the men who think he should find it elsewhere? My partner has too gave major surgery soon and will be out if action for 6 weeks or so. Should I run out and get it elsewhere too?


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

OP, thanks for filling in more of the details. I don't think there is any problem putting sex on the back burner for a few weeks or a month if it's something you and your partner agree to. The larger issue is, can you support one another's priorities? You will have to talk to your partner about this. He may value quality time with you more than the financial security of an extremely productive partner. 

More importantly, based on what you described, you remain deeply wounded from the sexual abuse. No one would blame you for creating the most secure and safe environment possible. But this isn't entirely you; some of this is a profound and normal defensive reaction. Did your previous IC specialize in PTSD? Have you given up on healing? Kindest Regards-


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

No, I do not think that it is unreasonable to go through periods of not enjoying or wanting sex because of poor health or stress. 

But who cares what anyone here thinks because your husband is going to have his own feelings. 

Maybe he will not like it much and maybe he is perfectly fine with taking care of himself for a while. 

I doubt most men will automatically run off or start cheating the minute they are cut off. -Particularly if you two are communicating well and you are giving him some reassurance that you care about him. 

Some women here have said that they can make themselves want sex more by actively thinking about it but I think that would require sincerely wanting to -which you do not seem to.

If the marriage is otherwise strong it will survive a few rough patches.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

WellyVamp said:


> Well, my partner has a really laid back attitude to things like saving for a pension and for if/when a rainy day comes. If I don't sort it out, he won't. So, yes, work does come first in this respect. I want to make sure my family has security!
> 
> If he can't appreciate that, perhaps he should find somebody else?
> 
> soulseer and TopsyTurvy5, are you seriously suggesting that a grown man can't go without sex for a couple of weeks whilst his missus is ill and bogged down with work and studying? Surely this is a temporary state of affairs. Shouldn't a man be glad to have a sensible, proactive partner who cares about their long term financial stability? Life can't be fun and games all the time.


I agree that a temporary lack of libido isnt an issue. Your health is important look after yourself! 

The only thing is life never becomes normal. There are always stresses or more important things. Once things go back to normal will sex be remembered? 

We had real health issues with one of our children that stressed us both out. Sex became a non issue for both of us during those critical times .It simply was not important. It never returned.

He doesnt need much , and given the opportunity he wouldnt take long , I bet he could orgasm in a few minutes lol.. 

Connecting with your husband is important. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

A sincere promise to help.him out this weekend, even if that means you give the hand job, would probably go a long ways. Keeping yourself in the mindset of I am freely giving this, he is not taking it, may help. Just the feeling that you care and are concerned about his needs should help him survive it.. It should take less time than all the complaining.

As for a naturopath, my herbalist is great at helping people figure out how to offset some of the side effects of meds. Sometimes she may even suggest one that people hate the side effects more cause they are more easily over come with natual means. You would have to see if you can talk to a natural health care provider on the phone and tell them your goal, making sure they understand you are not willing to go off your meds. Complimentary medicine not competing.

Whatever you do try not to get into the stalemate of both of you thinking the other person should be more understanding of you, while you are not trying just as hard to be understanding of them and there needs.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks for the input everyone. 
@okeydokie, it may be that your wife sees things like keeping your garden nice as being a way for caring for you? Albeit one that misses the mark. I think a lot of women feel overburdened by the would, coulds and should. Living like this is exhausting. Sorry to hear you feel this way. Weeding will not be featuring on my agenda this weekend. I tried to work out earlier and it was a big mistake! I just ache even more now. 

@*LittleDeer*, yes I find that to be an odd point of view too. If my partner was ill or had surgery, I would just back off and let him heal. 

@Jung_admirer, I am trying to get my business sorted for us, hell, for him. I appreciate that lfe would be nice if I could stay at home and 'look after my man', but the capitalist system has ruined all of that for us now! Women are under just as much pressure job wise. Realistically, how many men would want a woman who wasn't focussed on career and financial security. Better than being a gold digger surely? 

As for the sexual abuse. I attended a group therapy course for PSTD and have now been discharged, so I'm officially sane. :scratchhead:

@usmarriedguy and soulseer. This new epliepsy med is a libido killer for sure, but it works and the side effects aren't as grim as some of the others. I can have sex, but I really am just going through the motions, which is pretty lame for me and him. My next appt with the neurologist is in about 8 weeks, but I'm not expecting him to pull anything out of his hat. 

@the2ofus, I think I can run to a hand job or boob job  In fact, I have seen a local healer to try and deal with some of the side effects, but it didn't really help. 

@dfgadfghzhen why is your partner sulking? 

Anyhow, I'd better get off to bed. Still aching like hell and couldn't even finish my Jillian Michaels workout earlier - and I love those.  Tomorrow is another day. Hopefully a few early nights and loads of vitamin C will sort me out. 

I just feel as though I'm running on empty, work stress, study, this horrible viral infection and medication that kills my sex drive isn't helping my relationship right now. And yes, I am screwed up from being with a man who used to physically, sexually and mentally abuse me. He used to lock me in the house for days on end (we had dead locks that you could lock from the outside) and take the keys and any forms of communication with the outside world. So, I guess that would probably screw a person up! I plan to go back for more therapy, hopefully later this year. Waiting lists permitting.
Thanks again.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Thought this had been going on longer. I do wonder why your work takes such a priority that you can't / don't wNt to have sex. That strikes me as unhealthy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

FemBot said:


> What if he said to you "honey I don't want to talk to you anymore I am just too stressed...talk to someone else, or yourself"?
> 
> Sex for men is like talking for women. It bonds them and helps them feel loved, desired and connected. You are denying a very big part of him here. Sex is fun. You have no time for fun in your life?


Wow....Fem, excellent insight and post!!! 


:iagree:


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

We all go through periods of extreme stress and being busy. If we could ignore our partners needs and deem them annoyances we wouldnt be married vary long. This isn't a man or woman thing. It's a love thing.

I suspect you know that or you wouldnt have added the caveat of how you believe men would respond.

Hope you don't mind if he starts "working late".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WellyVamp said:


> I'm so stressed about work, getting new clients and keeping existing ones happy so they keep coming back. Then there's the studying. Right now I ache all over. I couldn't get to sleep for ages last night and was almost in tears because my bones and skin just hurt. Paracetamol just didn't cut it.





WellyVamp said:


> I just feel as though I'm running on empty, work stress, study, this horrible viral infection and medication that kills my sex drive isn't helping my relationship right now.


WV, I don't mean for this to sound crude, inappropriate, sexist, or whatever, but it really does sound like you could use some "release" right about now.

And about this...



WellyVamp said:


> And yes, I am screwed up from being with a man who used to physically, sexually and mentally abuse me. He used to lock me in the house for days on end (we had dead locks that you could lock from the outside) and take the keys and any forms of communication with the outside world. So, I guess that would probably screw a person up! I plan to go back for more therapy, hopefully later this year. Waiting lists permitting.


Wow. That is terrible. So glad to hear that you were able to get away from that. No one deserves to live like that.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Welly - This may be less about sex and more about this situation triggering some strong reactions about the abuse? 

You mentioned that your partner is laid back and you are the one thinking of your future wellbeing. You are working hard towards that end and you are adjusting to meds and feeling ill. 

Do you feel that your partner could do more to secure the future so that you worry less? What do you feel he is doing to lighten your worries about the future and get ahead in his work?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> Welly - This may be less about sex and more about this situation triggering some strong reactions about the abuse?
> 
> You mentioned that your partner is laid back and you are the one thinking of your future wellbeing. You are working hard towards that end and you are adjusting to meds and feeling ill.
> 
> Do you feel that your partner could do more to secure the future so that you worried less about it? What do you feel he is doing to lighten your worries about the future and get ahead in his work?


Excellent point! Give him what he needs, then discuss what you need. Maybe in a lighter way like strategizing a team plan for your future. Maybe not this weekend but sometime before to long. It sounds like you need him to be part of your long term plan for a secure future.

As for therapy, did they help with coping strategies, ways to set up a different scenario in your mind as to not set off triggers. When i ask my husband to help me, he is usually more than willing to be a hero and come to my rescue.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Catherine602 said:


> Welly - This may be less about sex and more about this situation triggering some strong reactions about the abuse?
> 
> You mentioned that your partner is laid back and you are the one thinking of your future wellbeing. You are working hard towards that end and you are adjusting to meds and feeling ill.
> 
> Do you feel that your partner could do more to secure the future so that you worry less? What do you feel he is doing to lighten your worries about the future and get ahead in his work?


He isn't interested in getting ahead in his work! I'm not the kind of person to go for someone just because they have money and my partner has a lot of other qualities going for him. He thinks I am just a worrier. 

The CBT and group therapy did help and I find that I'm triggered a lot less now. Things are probably getting the better of me right now as I'm stressed out, feeling ill and tired. I'm going to try to be more mindful. 

@GusPolinski, I probably could do with a release, but I can't even orgasm now I'm on these meds - and believe me, I've tried. 

@sinnister, I think you have a point. I'm not giving my partner the attention he deserves. 

The weight gain from the medication has really got me down. I worked so hard to lose 30 pounds and get in shape over the last couple of years. My partner is really skinny and I hate the thought of being the chunky one, although I am still within my healthy BMI. I just have major issues about weight, again, because of being in that abusive relationship. My ex used to deny me food because he thought I was fat etc and always told me that I was the wrong shape, my legs were fat, my stomach was too big and other charming things like that. I wasn't actually fat. In fact, I ended up underweight, but it was just a way of beating me down. However, I just feel gross, puffy and ugly and worry that my partner will be turned off if he sees me naked.


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## Jung_admirer (Jun 26, 2013)

No person gets to decide what should be important to anyone else. This imposition would be an assault on individuality. Heaven would become Hell if there were no other choice. This is why communication and compromise are the basic tools of marriage. You appear to conclude your DH should be grateful for your efforts that serve both of you. You are telling your DH to acquiesce to what *you believe* is best for both of you. In effect, you are telling your DH to obey you ... treating him as a child.


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## Laralie (May 2, 2014)

WellyVamp said:


> I've been really stressed at work and have also taken on studying for a professional qualification. My business has gone through a tough time and I'm doing everything I can to get it sorted. Thankfully, I've got a busy couple of weeks ahead, but need to do all my marketing alongside this. Plus, I'm really run down with a lingering viral infection which has wiped me out.
> 
> This has majorly taken it's toll on my libido. Usually high drive, when it comes to sex I would rather pull my toenails out with red hot pliers at the moment.
> 
> ...


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Jung_admirer said:


> No person gets to decide what should be important to anyone else. This imposition would be an assault on individuality. Heaven would become Hell if there were no other choice. This is why communication and compromise are the basic tools of marriage. You appear to conclude your DH should be grateful for your efforts that serve both of you. You are telling your DH to acquiesce to what *you believe* is best for both of you. In effect, you are telling your DH to obey you ... treating him as a child.


I haven't meant to treat him like a child, I just want to do the right thing and build for the future. Looks like I'm not going about it in the right way.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You don't sound like a shallow person who is looking for money and not love from your partner. 

I am sure you now see that it's not your partner per se. It's his wanting to connect that is the problem. Or a better way of putting it is -- your desire to connect with him is adversely effected by factors that he has no control over nor is he at fault. 

It's all the things working against your comfort being sexual. These things have nothing to do with what he has done specifically. Except that despite all of the stress and changes, he loves you all the more. 

That's good right? Being loved is better than money in my book. Is there anything you can do to solve a few of these issues one at a time? 

How about the medication issue first. If you have been increasing the dose, you will probably feel spaced-out until you body adjust when you take the same dose every day. It takes a few weeks. 

Feeling unsexy will definitely reduce a woman's libido. Have you spoken to your partner about how you feel?


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Also about feeling unsexy. Some lingerie helps me. I've had 6 kids, I'm not one of those women who walk out of delivery wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans. Lingerie can help in camoflouging the perceived "bad spots" from my eyes. My husband really doesn't care either way but it does help me. 

:soapbox:And I really wish people would learn to read the whole thread (if it's not too long) or at least the OPs last few posts.


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## MisterGadget (Feb 13, 2014)

To do Lists will always be there and always getting bigger.

You need to put the "MAKE LOVE" at the second of the to do list

Get better.
Make love.
Work.


Years ago i used to administrate in a international online multilayer gaming website and i was big into Games.

The job was taking over alot of my time and i gave it up after our first child was born so i could make sure my relationship with my wife was good.
Do i miss that job....YES.
Do i still play games...Yes but no where near as much as i could and now its with my Kids.

The point is if you neglect your relationship in favour of the Job instead of putting a small bit of time away you will loose him in the end.
So make sure you set a Date night like Friday _(that's ours)_ to cuddle up on the sofa with snacks or wine or whatever and don't leave it to late to head up stairs for a bit of pillow tossing.
And that business of saying *(its too late now) *is a load of rubbish._ (I hear that one too often)_

Hope this helps


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## sthsthzhen (May 3, 2014)

My partner is sulking, but honestly,


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Thanks all, I've now come to realise that I've not been a good partner at all. 

The meds are driving me mad. I can have sex, but don't get aroused at all. Now when I have sex, I really am just going through the motions. As far as changing goes it's a case of take your pick of nasty side effects in my experience. 

I suppose I can make it as enjoyable as possible for my partner. It would be nice if I could actually get turned on. 

The consultant isn't much help. I think he sees that the meds are working, so the treatment is successful.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

So sorry that the consulatation didn't go better. Yes it is a seizure medication so no seizures is good but if quality of life is compromised that's bad, and to me the point of medication should be to give you a better, stronger life. Do you have any other options at this time?

Also my husband and I were discussing something last night and I mentioned how much easier discussions are now that our sex live is fuller again. My needs are fully getting met and so talks are pretty easy. Saying that to say it might be helpful to try to see if you can fill his needs ( for a few weeks- think saturation) before you have talks about what you need and what's missing. With his needs met and seeing an honest try from you he is much more likely to hear your heart and work with you, trying to fulfill your needs. So sorry you are in a sucky place at this moment, anyway you turn it's less than wonderful. Hang in there.

Random thought but might your old medication go back to working after some time off of it?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WellyVamp said:


> Thanks all, I've now come to realise that I've not been a good partner at all.
> 
> The meds are driving me mad. I can have sex, but don't get aroused at all. Now when I have sex, I really am just going through the motions. As far as changing goes it's a case of take your pick of nasty side effects in my experience.
> 
> ...


I am not sure that you should make it all about your partner when you have sex. You may have to try out new ways to become aroused and to have mutual enjoyment. 

With the stress and meds the old ways may not be as effective. Don't just do it, work as a team. 

First tell you partner about the changes and let him know that you need his help to adjust to the changes and still make sex enjoyable for both of you. 

It won't work if you don't let him know exactly what you revealed here. It won't work if you don't get him on board. I an certain he wants to do what ever he can to make you happy.

Communicate with love and clarity. Do some reading about different sexual techniques and explore your body. Be explicate about what you need from him. 


The resentment will mount and endanger 7 good years.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

FemBot said:


> What if he said to you "honey I don't want to talk to you anymore I am just too stressed...talk to someone else, or yourself"?
> 
> *Sex for men is like talking for women.* It bonds them and helps them feel loved, desired and connected. You are denying a very big part of him here. Sex is fun. You have no time for fun in your life?


The bold statement is making me laugh like crazy.. Sorry OP, but that comment is so tickling and probably true. 

I shall read on now.. :rofl:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

WellyVamp said:


> once I've done what I need to do I can move forward and make more money. This is great for both of us.


So true! You'll both be better off in the divorce when you're making more money. Keep it up, you're on the right track. Soon enough, both of your lives are going to be much better.


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## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

This is such a delicate matter- Both sex and finances are securing factors in a marriage, aren't they? Somehow though, married folks must learn how to balance both at the same time- As well as all the other matters in marriage or ALL can be lost. 

OP, I hope your busy stint ends sooner than you supposed, so you can say of your marriage. "We got our groove back!"


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Jung_admirer said:


> I can't imagine a guy complaining about not making your list, all these tasks seem much more important than bonding with a partner.


I'm a little slow with tongue-in-cheek humor sometimes. Is this what I think it is?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> So true! You'll both be better off in the divorce when you're making more money. Keep it up, you're on the right track. Soon enough, both of your lives are going to be much better.


They're not married.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

I'd surmise your partner is seeing what looks like an inexorable trend toward a sexless relationship, what with all the stuff that's working against you. In other words, not just a fit of pique over the prospect of no sex for a couple of weeks, but a larger and more permanent problem.


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

Well, here's an update. I found something that gets me excited, so it's all go again on that front. 

I admit to being a bit of a cold fish when it comes to the lovey dovey stuff. Yes, affection is extremely important, but when you can't pay your mortgage, afford repairs on your car or need money to pay for your children's education, I'm willing to bet most people would wish they had made the short term sacrfices necessary to ensure their future security. I'm very much a pragmatist in this respect and actually, this is because I care very deeply about my family. I want to protect the people I love. 

My partner and I are not married, we aren't particularly interested in that, as we already own a house together and have children. To all intents and purposes, we have committed to one another! 

So, thanks for the advice. I have reduced my meds (have yet to tell neurologist) and feel 100% better, hello again sex drive! Being self employed means long hours, and studying for a business qualification on top of that is tough, but ultimately worth it. At the end of the day, we'll soon be able to pay our mortgage off and I'm under 40. Yes, I must be a terrible partner to go to all that effort! 

Anyway, people were 100% right that I wasn't giving my partner enough attention. Perhaps the meds won't work as well, but I'm willing to trade that off as sex is important!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP, you have my sympathies...I was in a job with long hours and high stress for many years...the toll on your health can be huge.

I can see both sides of this, and I really think you and your partner can get through this time and both get your needs met. 

Your partner may be craving intimacy, as opposed to sex with you. Could you skip your workout today and spend some time with him instead? Let him give you a relaxing massage, and you could give a blow job, or a hand job and a good old snog, lol.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I applaud your efforts to find an answer cause that is what makes a marriage/relationship work. If you havent i would talk to him and tell him what you've done then if by chance you find the meds not working enough and find you have to up them again he will see that you are looking for solutions and be more willing to work with you, not against you!


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## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

frusdil said:


> OP, you have my sympathies...I was in a job with long hours and high stress for many years...the toll on your health can be huge.
> 
> I can see both sides of this, and I really think you and your partner can get through this time and both get your needs met.
> 
> ...


The problem was that I lost my job in the recession and then was limited in my job search when my epilepsy got worse and I couldn't drive. That's why I have ended up becoming self employed and the reason I work such long hours! I am also now undertaking a business qualification. 

Reducing the meds has made me feel so much better. Before, I felt as though I was drugged! The old libido has come back and my poor partner is worn out. :smthumbup:

Being in the UK, I'm facing a bit of a wait until I can see the neurologist, but I'm going to call and say that I've reduced the meds. He won't be happy, but I'm happier. 

Funnily enough, the bloating has gone too and I can wear my favourite pair of shoes again, which I am also very happy about. 

I have another stinking cold and a stupidly busy week ahead, but I shall definitely make time for lurve!


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