# I caught my wife texting another Man...



## irish72

So here's the deal I've been happily married for 12 years had some ups and downs but all in all solid, we've gotting stronger in the last year or so then at any point. My wife is the manager of our sons hockey team and recently has been talking a lot with one of the coaches and I became jealous obviously they have to talk and text about team matters, recently I have been noticing her shutting off the phone a lot when I come around so me being tech savvy I would gaze and caught her password, checked a few times nothing that seemed that bad or out of line. Just didn't feel right tho, so I then proceeded to call her in it tell her I was jealous and she made me feel like nothing was happening. So I start to doubt myself and felt like I let her down by questioning her, well I finally checked 1 more time and hit the jackpot I found a newly added viber account with a lot of kissy faces and hearts a few inappropriate comments from coach, so I called her downstairs and confronted her and she started to deny it but came around said it just started it just happened like it was a high school thing, I called the coach told him I found there texts that if it didn't stop I have copies and I'll take the to his wife and family, she said she called him and told him that it was stupid she loves me and no more texting.
I'll still be having a talk with him in person so the rest of this hockey season will be fun, NOT. I don't believe it was physical but disheartening to say the least. She has taken ownership of it knows it was stupid and dumb, and won't stop crying when it comes up continually says she loves me and will do whatever I want her to do to fix this, I love her more than life itself and want to work through it but also realize it may not be possible with my thoughts in my head, Thanks for the ears would love to hear all your thoughts.


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## jld

You should probably still tell his wife, show her the texts.

Your wife needs to be absolutely transparent with you in the future. No contact with the other guy is best. Her apology to the other woman would be good at some point, too.

And take a hard look at why this happened. Be humble. Have you been meeting her emotional needs? Ask her, and listen with discernment to what she says.

If not, this will happen again. People will not accept to just starve. And emotional needs create their own hunger.

You have to have a team approach. Win the marriage, together.


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## thatbpguy

1. You MUST tell his wife. For both accountability and to get this to stop.

2. End of hockey season. Your wife is no longer manager and should be banned from seeing this man again at practices.... 

3. Your wife needs to be held accountable. 

4. Were it me, I'd send a letter to all the parents of the kids and to the league association. They need to know the coach is on the prowl and he needs to be fired as a coach.

I think to do any less is empowering them to continue.


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## Cubby

You can't assume it hasn't gone physical. If I were you I'd install a VAR in her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## naiveonedave

assuming this is usahockey related organization. The coach should be outed. He is violating his ethics policy.

It probably went physical, at least don't trust their word that it hasn't


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## thatbpguy

naiveonedave said:


> assuming this is usahockey related organization. The coach should be outed. He is violating his ethics policy.


Agreed 110%.

This needs to be reported.


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## JustTired

thatbpguy said:


> 1. You MUST tell his wife. For both accountability and to get this to stop.
> 
> 2. End of hockey season. Your wife is no longer manager and should be banned from seeing this man again at practices....
> 
> 3. Your wife needs to be held accountable.
> 
> 4. Were it me, I'd send a letter to all the parents of the kids and to the league association. They need to know the coach is on the prowl and he needs to be fired as a coach.
> 
> I think to do any less is empowering them to continue.


:iagree:

All of this!!! I would take it one step further & YOU act as the manager in leiu of your wife from this point on.


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## TRy

You giving your marriage the best chance to survive this is way more important to your children long term then your wife being team manager this year. You need to value your marriage over everything else. By this I mean your wife being the manager of the team is not as important as ending what was at least the beginning of an emotional affair (EA). She must resign as manager immediately. She can claim health or personal reasons and leave it at that, but she must end all contact with this other man (OM) for life and agree to full transparency going forward, which includes all passwords.


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## manfromlamancha

thatbpguy said:


> 1. You MUST tell his wife. For both accountability and to get this to stop.
> 
> 2. End of hockey season. Your wife is no longer manager and should be banned from seeing this man again at practices....
> 
> 3. Your wife needs to be held accountable.
> 
> 4. Were it me, I'd send a letter to all the parents of the kids and to the league association. They need to know the coach is on the prowl and he needs to be fired as a coach.
> 
> I think to do any less is empowering them to continue.


:iagree::iagree:


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## LongWalk

You must tell OM's wife.


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## irish72

Thanks for you replies it helps that I have some people to talk to about this is there a way to proceed with me telling his wife and the Hockey board but to talk to him before that to find out from him if it turned physical. Because if it was physical it changes everything. Thanks again hard to concentrate


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## tom67

irish72 said:


> Thanks for you replies it helps that I have some people to talk to about this is there a way to proceed with me telling his wife and the Hockey board but to talk to him before that to find out from him if it turned physical. Because if it was physical it changes everything. Thanks again hard to concentrate


First expose to his wife do not tell your wife just do it.
You won't get any answers from him so don't waste your time then expose to the hockey board.


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## naiveonedave

tom67 said:


> First expose to his wife do not tell your wife just do it.
> You won't get any answers from him so don't waste your time then expose to the hockey board.


It is important that this stuff goes down before they know you are going to do it.


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## Observer

Last thing your kid needs is everyone knowing their mom is "doing" their coach. My son has played hockey since Mites, seen it all happen and it follows the kid. Try to not let it get out, watch her close, and tell her she needs to stop being manager...make some lame excuse publically.


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## irish72

So would you go to the board to expose him or to the wife, I don't want this getting out either


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## Observer

irish72 said:


> So would you go to the board to expose him or to the wife, I don't want this getting out either


I would not, no. It will get around for sure. You could tell his wife though. Find another team in the Spring.


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## thatbpguy

irish72 said:


> Thanks for you replies it helps that I have some people to talk to about this is there a way to proceed with me telling his wife and the Hockey board but to talk to him before that to find out from him if it turned physical. Because if it was physical it changes everything. Thanks again hard to concentrate


Whether or not it was physical will probably come out over time.

First, expose, report to the league... and see where it leads. 

You may also want to see if the coach's wife will let you know what he tells her.


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## thatbpguy

irish72 said:


> So would you go to the board to expose him or to the wife, I don't want this getting out either


This is a coach of a kid's team that is prowling for sex with "hockey moms". Who's to say it won't extent to kids?

You really have no decent choice but to expose. Put your big boy panties on and do the right thing.


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## Janis

You should report the coach! His wife will find out that way. Any humiliation caused is their own doing. His job is to train the kids, not bed the parents.


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## manfromlamancha

OK, so I don't understand how you are going to find out if it went physical ? By asking the coach ? Of course he is going to lie. They have probably got their stories straight with each other by now. So all you are going to get is lies.

If they did go physical (and even if they didn't), why do you not want this getting out ? He needs to get his comeuppance if for no other reason, than to protect other families against him. As for your wife, I am sure she didn't think about protecting you or your family when she was doing what she was doing.

In any case, I would take the others' advice here and go into super stealth investigative mode: do not let on that you are still suspicious and investigating. Make them believe that everything is OK and plant a VAR in her car (and maybe even at home). Install a key logger on her computer and see if you can access her phone, email, viber account, Facebook account etc. Weightlifter's thread on this is very good.

What ever you find, secure it safely where it can't be got at - dropbox account, offsite whatever. Send all her communications to yourself so that you have it safe.

Now for some background:

How old are you and your wife ? How old is the coach ? Is your wife a SAHM or does she work ? And if she works, what does she do ? When you say ups and downs in your married life, what were some of the downs ? What shape are you in ? What was your sex life like before ? What was it like during the "texting" ? What is it like now ? How did the [email protected] react when you confronted him ? Is he now scared of you ? Of what you might do ? How can you tell if she is truly remorseful ? She has already successfully lied to you.


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## Thor

irish72 said:


> Thanks for you replies it helps that I have some people to talk to about this is there a way to proceed with me telling his wife and the Hockey board but to talk to him before that to find out from him if it turned physical. Because if it was physical it changes everything. Thanks again hard to concentrate


He will never ever admit if it went physical. Never.

He is the last person you should be talking to right now. You will only give him warning that you are escalating, which allows him to take preemptive action. He'll tell his wife that your wife was the aggressor and that you're just a nutjob. He'll claim your texts are fabricated. Can you really prove the text messages are real rather than you somehow edited them?


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## Thor

irish72 said:


> I found a newly added viber account


Viber is a stealth communications app from what Wiki says. It allows secret phone calls, photos, and texts using the 3G/4G data. So it never shows up as cell call minutes or text messages on your cell phone.

IOW, this looks pretty seriously deceptive. This worries me that she took such a big step into the world of secrecy. I think there is a lot more going on than you saw or know about.

I would go 007 on her. VAR, keylogger, GPS the car, cell phone spyware. Don't say anything to her about being suspicious for a week or two, just see what data you collect.

In the meantime, she quits the hockey team as does your child (or you become the manager). I would wait a couple of weeks to expose him to the hockey league in order to collect more data. If you get proof of PA it will be important in your exposures.


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## Lon

Hey Irish, sorry to hear your tough situation. My biggest concern for you right now is making uninformed choices. All cheating spouses lie by way of trickle truth, your W is in damage control mode and is only going to reveal or fabricate that which minimizes her wrongdoings. The only way for you to ever be certain of anything that she was or is currently up to is to do the investigative work yourself, so that you know exactly what the current situation you are in is. Only then can you form an effective strategy.


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## LongWalk

Expose to his wife. She may get a confession out of him.

Do not tip your wife or OM off. Just get in direct contact with her. If you know where she works just call her up while she is there and say that you are at Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks nearby and need to see her about something important. If she cannot get free, tell her that you discovered an emotional affair minimum.

It may have been physical and you can tell OM's wife to bluff confront. OM may admit to a kiss.

And as we know a kiss usually means a penis and vagina were involved while the kissing went on. Not always 100% but these are grown ups. If they were love texting, fingering and oral sex would be quite natural.


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## irish72

See that's the problem she knows she was wrong and I will continue to monitor her I have a idea of telling him to step down as coach as he is a assistant I do not want my 10 year old any where near him and if you understand hockey circles it would take a minute for it to get out and that would crush my son and at this point he and my daughter are my main concern, I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions but they are from one side of the spectrum to the other this happened yesterday that I found the viber texts so as you can imagine I'm in a bad spot.


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## JustTired

irish72 said:


> See that's the problem she knows she was wrong and I will continue to monitor her I have a idea of telling him to step down as coach as he is a assistant I do not want my 10 year old any where near him and *if you understand hockey circles it would take a minute for it to get out and that would crush my son and at this point he and my daughter are my main concern,* I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions but they are from one side of the spectrum to the other this happened yesterday that I found the viber texts so as you can imagine I'm in a bad spot.


Unfortunately, your wife did NOT make her marriage & her children her priority when she started playing with fire. Both her & this dumb coach didn't care about their marriages enough. Now they are sorry that they got caught.

I know the feelings are raw & you are in shock but whatever you do - don't rug sweep this emotional affair. Exposing your wife & this other man makes them accountable to their actions. Rug sweeping simply teaches your wife that there are no consequences to her actions, which can make her a repeat offender. Take your children out of the equation, your wife certainly did.


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## Janis

Thor said:


> Viber is a stealth communications app from what Wiki says. It allows secret phone calls, photos, and texts using the 3G/4G data. So it never shows up as cell call minutes or text messages on your cell phone.
> 
> IOW, this looks pretty seriously deceptive. This worries me that she took such a big step into the world of secrecy. I think there is a lot more going on than you saw or know about.
> 
> I would go 007 on her. VAR, keylogger, GPS the car, cell phone spyware. Don't say anything to her about being suspicious for a week or two, just see what data you collect.
> 
> In the meantime, she quits the hockey team as does your child (or you become the manager). I would wait a couple of weeks to expose him to the hockey league in order to collect more data. If you get proof of PA it will be important in your exposures.


I didn't know this! It is VERY telling. Most people that are being sneaky or need privacy just put a password on their phone. But, it appears that the wife created a phone number just for this coach. 

I don't think there is any point in going private investigator on her. The fact that it is being done means that the trust is damaged and without it what do you have? 

The guy will drive himself crazy snooping her facebook, phone etc. 

If he can't look her in the eye and believe what she says, I don't know what to tell him.


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## naiveonedave

irish72 said:


> See that's the problem she knows she was wrong and I will continue to monitor her I have a idea of telling him to step down as coach as he is a assistant I do not want my 10 year old any where near him and if you understand hockey circles it would take a minute for it to get out and that would crush my son and at this point he and my daughter are my main concern, I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions but they are from one side of the spectrum to the other this happened yesterday that I found the viber texts so as you can imagine I'm in a bad spot.


If this is a house (B, BB team) I would guess they would move his kid to another team, but you only have a couple of weeks until rosters are set. 
Travel would be a whole other animal.

I hear you concern about it crushing your son, you don't want the sport he loves to be tainted. The coach needs to be out, though.


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## irish72

Janis said:


> Thor said:
> 
> 
> 
> Viber is a stealth communications app from what Wiki says. It allows secret phone calls, photos, and texts using the 3G/4G data. So it never shows up as cell call minutes or text messages on your cell phone.
> 
> IOW, this looks pretty seriously deceptive. This worries me that she took such a big step into the world of secrecy. I think there is a lot more going on than you saw or know about.
> 
> I would go 007 on her. VAR, keylogger, GPS the car, cell phone spyware. Don't say anything to her about being suspicious for a week or two, just see what data you collect.
> 
> In the meantime, she quits the hockey team as does your child (or you become the manager). I would wait a couple of weeks to expose him to the hockey league in order to collect more data. If you get proof of PA it will be important in your exposures.
> 
> 
> 
> I didn't know this! It is VERY telling. Most people that are being sneaky or need privacy just put a password on their phone. But, it appears that the wife created a phone number just for this coach.
> 
> I don't think there is any point in going private investigator on her. The fact that it is being done means that the trust is damaged and without it what do you have?
> 
> The guy will drive himself crazy snooping her facebook, phone etc.
> 
> If he can't look her in the eye and believe what she says, I don't know what to tell him.
Click to expand...

Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing


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## tom67

irish72 said:


> Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing


You can tell her you want her to take a polygraph then see her reaction.
You might get the rest of the story who knows.


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## JustTired

irish72 said:


> Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split *but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing*


It's time to expose...


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## tom67

Go get 2 voice activated recorders put one in her car and one in the house you should get answers within the week.
And yes she has to step down no question.


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## azteca1986

Janis said:


> The fact that it is being done means that the trust is damaged and without it what do you have?


A married mother of two texting a man that isn't her husband. She's broken the trust he placed in her. 



> If he can't look her in the eye and believe what she says, I don't know what to tell him.


I'd tell him that cheaters can lie straight to your face without batting an eyelid. Hopefully she didn't swear on the lives of her children. If she did, he has a major problem on his hands.


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## wise

irish72 said:


> Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing


How do you know 100% that she will discontinue all contact with him? Because she verbally said so? 

Just like when she verbally told you earlier in the situation (before the discovery) that everything was fine. Someone who is having an affair behind your back and tells you there is nothing to worry about will continue to give you the same response if they feel you are going to let it go because they 'cried.' The cry is to always a try as to guilt you back into accepting them. 

Do not fall for it. She will find any means to keep this underground. Affairs just do not cut off with a snap of the fingers. When you start falling for someone, you just cannot erase that person from your life within an hour. You MUST tell the OM's wife. You MUST expose him to the board and your Wife must quit the season. If none of these are satisfied, she WILL continue. She will hide this affair harder than ever because now she knows that you are alert.


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## Tobyboy

Can you post what was exchanged between your wife and coach here? 
When she called to break up with her boyfriend, were you present?

So far you've done good. Now, it's time to expose to the wife and the board.


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## AliceA

To be honest, though it's only early days, I would be wondering what was so wrong in your marriage that she would so easily fall for someone else.

I'd be thinking that if I made it the worst experience of her life, blowing it up in her face so spectacularly that if she even contemplated starting another affair one day that she'd break out in hives.

But that's just me.


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## thatbpguy

irish72 said:


> See that's the problem she knows she was wrong and I will continue to monitor her I have a idea of telling him to step down as coach as he is a assistant I do not want my 10 year old any where near him and if you understand hockey circles it would take a minute for it to get out and that would crush my son and at this point he and my daughter are my main concern, I appreciate all your thoughts and suggestions but they are from one side of the spectrum to the other this happened yesterday that I found the viber texts *so as you can imagine I'm in a bad spot*.


No you're not.

You just have no guts to do the right thing. And that is probably how you ended up in this spot in the first place. Your kids will be fine with love and good parenting from you.

So go ahead and just pretend like it never happened. 

And then your green light is a que for your wife to continue with whomever as she knows you aren't going to stand in her way. And the coach will continue his predatory ways with other wives and maybe even kids. And so on and so forth. And you can thank yourself for it all. 

Hate to say this, and I do feel for you, but you seem to be your worst enemy in all of this.


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## Janis

azteca1986 said:


> A married mother of two texting a man that isn't her husband. She's broken the trust he placed in her.
> 
> I'd tell him that cheaters can lie straight to your face without batting an eyelid. Hopefully she didn't swear on the lives of her children. If she did, he has a major problem on his hands.


If there isn't any trust, I'm not sure how they can continue.


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## naiveonedave

Janis said:


> If there isn't any trust, I'm not sure how they can continue.


The OP's W needs to re-earn trust. That is on her.


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## Observer

thatbpguy said:


> No you're not.
> 
> You just have no guts to do the right thing. And that is probably how you ended up in this spot in the first place. Your kids will be fine with love and good parenting from you.
> 
> So go ahead and just pretend like it never happened.
> 
> And then your green light is a que for your wife to continue with whomever as she knows you aren't going to stand in her way. And the coach will continue his predatory ways with other wives and maybe even kids. And so on and so forth. And you can thank yourself for it all.
> 
> Hate to say this, and I do feel for you, but you seem to be your worst enemy in all of this.


Hold up, that is harsh considering he is thinking about his kid first. Look, in the hockey community, something like this will spread everywhere. I'm in Detroit, youth hockey here is on par with Minnestoa, it's huge. This kind of stuff reaches all over, it will certainly get to his kid. he does not want that. So before we talk about exposing it, try to understand the dynamics. You want your kid hearing his mom was doing the hockey coach and having him get made fun of? I think not.

There is a way for him to deal with the situation. His problem is not the coach, it's his wife.And to that aspect, it does not sound good. Assume she has had an affair Irish and deal with that internally. No one needs to know.


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## thatbpguy

Observer said:


> Hold up, that is harsh considering he is thinking about his kid first. Look, in the hockey community, something like this will spread everywhere. I'm in Detroit, youth hockey here is on par with Minnestoa, it's huge. This kind of stuff reaches all over, it will certainly get to his kid. he does not want that. So before we talk about exposing it, try to understand the dynamics. You want your kid hearing his mom was doing the hockey coach and having him get made fun of? I think not.
> 
> There is a way for him to deal with the situation. His problem is not the coach, it's his wife.And to that aspect, it does not sound good. Assume she has had an affair Irish and deal with that internally. No one needs to know.


This is a joke, right?

I have to admit I don't live in "hockey country", but then neither do I really care.

It's simple.

A predatory kiddie hockey coach chasing hockey moms. Guess what? He loses his *ucking coaching job. Period. It's either that or just let him continue. Take your pick.

As to this poster's wife, am I missing the memo? The one that says, "Golly gee, we musn't let anyone know for fear our kid's lives will be forever ruined by the tarnish of their mom and the kiddie hockey coach having a betrayal...". I mean, if this is the case no one with kids whould ever do anything but bury their head in the sand when a parent is betraying them.

And what of the coach? If I get you right, he's supposed to get a green light pass on all this? Unbelievable. Exposure to his wife, the association is mandatory. So should be shoving a hockey goalie stick in a very dark orifice (aka, a$$ hole for those of you in "hockey country" who dont read anything without pictures) and let things ride.

The kids will be fine. Maybe even get a better mom and parents out of the deal. At least they will know what mommy and daddy are really like, who they really love and why mommy betrayed her kids. A good lesson in life.

Honestly.


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## Observer

thatbpguy said:


> This is a joke, right?
> 
> I have to admit I don't live in "hockey country", but then neither do I really care.
> 
> It's simple.
> 
> A predatory kiddie hockey coach chasing hockey moms. Guess what? He loses his *ucking coaching job. Period. It's either that or just let him continue. Take your pick.
> 
> As to this poster's wife, am I missing the memo? The one that says, "Golly gee, we musn't let anyone know for fear our kid's lives will be forever ruined by the tarnish of their mom and the kiddie hockey coach having a betrayal...". I mean, if this is the case no one with kids whould ever do anything but bury their head in the sand when a parent is betraying them.
> 
> And what of the coach? If I get you right, he's supposed to get a green light pass on all this? Unbelievable. Exposure to his wife, the association is mandatory. So should be shoving a hockey goalie stick in a very dark orifice (aka, a$$ hole for those of you in "hockey country" who dont read anything without pictures) and let things ride.
> 
> The kids will be fine. Maybe even get a better mom and parents out of the deal. At least they will know what mommy and daddy are really like, who they really love and why mommy betrayed her kids. A good lesson in life.
> 
> Honestly.


So your answer is to embaress the kid, assault the coach and make such an ordeal, the marriage is is guarenteed to be over?

Once again, I said tell the dudes wife, let him suffer some consequences. I would certainly not beat his as$, all that does is put me in jail. If he sexually assualted her that's another story. If he was just to Rico Suave for her, then that's on her.


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## Janis

Observer said:


> So your answer is to embaress the kid, assault the coach and make such an ordeal, the marriage is is guarenteed to be over?
> 
> Once again, I said tell the dudes wife, let him suffer some consequences. I would certainly not beat his as$, all that does is put me in jail. If he sexually assualted her that's another story. If he was just to Rico Suave for her, then that's on her.


The kids know. Believe me, they realize and notice more than we realize.


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## tryingpatience

irish72 said:


> Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing


Don't assume anything, you are protecting your marriage. Exposure to the OMs wife might reveal more about this. Sometimes the other partner knows more than you do. And yes monitor and be vigilant.


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## azteca1986

irish72 said:


> See that's the problem she knows she was wrong and I will continue to monitor her I have a idea of telling him to step down as coach as he is a assistant I do not want my 10 year old any where near him and if you understand hockey circles it would take a minute for it to get out and that would crush my son and at this point he and my daughter are my main concern.


She knew what she was doing was "wrong"? No sh!t!.

She knew what she was doing was wrong even as she made you feel like nothing was happening. She knew what she was doing was wrong when she downloaded the Viber app. She knew what she was doing was wrong when she tried to deny, even though you had proof.

If she truly is willing "to do anything", then TELL HER to resign as manager of the hockey team. She's untrustworthy until she proves otherwise. If your kids are your main concern, then do what you can to protect your marriage.



Janis said:


> If there isn't any trust, I'm not sure how they can continue.


I agree. Where are you in a marriage without trust? OP would be well within his rights to divorce his wife for thinking she could have a boyfriend. She's not in high school and lost the chance to act that way somewhere during her wedding vows. That's how serious this situation is. I hope OP takes this unfaithfulness seriously.


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## thatbpguy

Observer said:


> So your answer is to embaress the kid, assault the coach and make such an ordeal, the marriage is is guarenteed to be over?


And I'm thinkinggggggggggggggggggggggggggggggg....................

HELL YES!!!!!


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## TRy

breeze said:


> I would be wondering what was so wrong in your marriage that she would so easily fall for someone else.


 There does not have to be anything wrong in a marriage for people to cheat. Mickey Rooney was a womanizer that married 8 times. He said that he was always chasing the excitement of a new relationship that a seasoned relationship could not offer. What he was chasing was the brain drugs that studies show only go off for the first few years of a romantic relationship. These newness brain drugs are similar to cocaine. The wife had to work close to the other man (OM) to do her job as team manager. She probably did this with no intent of cheating, but got caught up by the attention of the OM and how it unexpectedly made her feel. People in emotional affairs (EA) usually do not at first think that they are really cheating because there was no sex involved. Only later when they are totally addicted to their affair partner, does the sex enter the picture. None of this has anything to do with the spouse being a bad spouse. Although since the spouse is human and not perfect, the cheater will always be able to find an excuse to try to blame shift the affair, the truth is that the excuse was not the real reason for the affair.


----------



## Lon

irish72 said:


> Thank you I get all the advice I really do and when I busted her there was shock and disbelief that she got caught when I asked her if it went physical I could tell in her response or at least in my eyes she was being honest and I wanted to doubt her so it would make it easy to get out of the marriage but burned bridges and trust take time and shoot maybe it doesn't and we split but I do need the coach away from my wife and kid if we can mend this thing


Over and over on this place there are guys with this exact trust in their ability to know when their W is lying, just like I was. And then within a relatively short period of time we discover that we knew very little about how women, our cheating wives in particular, are magnitudes of order better at deception than we can possibly even comprehend.

An EA (emotional affair) is bad enough for most loyal H's to put up with but is often not a dealbreaker if the cheating W is shaken out of her fog and is remorseful and dedicated to fix the marriage. But if it was a PA (physical affair) or multiple PA's with some POSOM putting his hands and his genitalia all over and inside of our W and doing so deliberately and deceptively, I can't think of many men that it would not be an instant dealbreaker for. (there are some on here, but they have to put in years and years of gruelling emotional and physical work to repair things).

My point is, maybe you just want to take the blue pill and rug sweep it and hope that it was not as bad as the dire warnings we've given you - the nice part about this is not having to contend with the mind movies. Because most likely the red pill would reveal the truth so that you atleast have a chance at making a mutually respectful, long lasting and satisfying marriage (even if it means taking the risk that you will not like what you find out).

Hire a PI to follow her over the next several days/weeks, put the VAR in her car so you can hear who she's talking to when she needs private conversations, and what they are talking about. Keep digging for traces of evidence discretely, keylogger on her computer, check credit card bills, check her email for sent and deleted items that may have gotten missed, look for other red flags (has she been wearing new and sexy clothes specifically lingerie, has the sex changed - ie different moves, different feelings, dryer/wetter, is she doing more laundry, has she projected things onto you such as accusing you of poor behaviors or has she drudged up old issues that you thought were resolved, has she become defensive about other things, has she asked for space or wanted to go on any trips alone, when you call or text during the day has she taken longer than usual to reply, has she lost weight, been working out or improved her looks recently etc. etc.)?


----------



## Lon

naiveonedave said:


> The OP's W needs to re-earn trust. That is on her.


Problem is she never lost Irish's trust at all, he trusts in her that she is being truthful that she's fully confessed the extent of the affair.


----------



## TRy

@OP: You now know enough to have this thread moved over to the infidelity section where it belongs. Ask a moderator to do this.


----------



## Hicks

if your wife would do anythign, what she has to do is step down from managing the team herself. And if the OM remains a coach, your kid needs to quit. She needs to learn the following lessons.
1. She owns her mistakes, does not force OM to quit.
2. Your children suffer when Mom has affairs.

This is really important.


----------



## jin

Exposure can create a lot of fallout and should be carefully considered. 

What you can do in the meantime is ask the coach to quit. It might be worth a shot. Then later if you want you can still expose. 

As others have said the wife of this POSOM needs to know regardless of whether your expose or not.


----------



## Angelou

She had a lot of '[email protected]' being sneaky and going for someone ya'll know. Where are yours? I agree with letting the omw know.


----------



## MarriedDude

OP....just for your own piece of mind...stomp the sh*t out of this. Fast. 

Then you better figure out how the hell you got to a point that your wife would do something like this. Don't bother asking her...just take a look at you and your marriage. 

Get MMSLP (Married Man Sex Life Primer) pronto...as in yesterday.


----------



## D.H Mosquito

Even if it hasn't gone physical she needs to step down from the hockey scene at least for the time being and help repair what she has destroyed, if she wont step down then she values him and her circle more than you and the kids and will eventually lead her into the temptation of going physical as they are still in contact and once they think things have calmed down then resume where they left off, so her actions will basically decide for you if you should carry on or divorce her


----------



## WandaJ

JustTired said:


> Unfortunately, your wife did NOT make her marriage & her children her priority when she started playing with fire. Both her & this dumb coach didn't care about their marriages enough. Now they are sorry that they got caught.
> 
> .


Yes, but OP is responsible for his action. Two wrongs don't make it right. Not everybody feels comfortable with turning their lives into Jerry Springer show to amuse everyone around (yes, it will be amusement to all around, outside your family and close friends. The rest will get the pop corn out). Apparently the OP values his kids feelings more than his own revenge. It takes strenght and dignity. I would go the same route.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

OP:

I believe you when you say you're in a bad place right now. IMO though you should NOT, at this point, do any of the following:

1. believe her (e.g. how things got going or whether it became physical)

2. forgive her (don't know enough yet and I think what you find forgivable is 100% YOUR decision, and I really would remain squarely on the unforgiving side right now)


----------



## manfromlamancha

OP, you are skating on thin ice. You need to think logically about this. You are being given very good advice which may seem contrary to your thinking at the moment but here are my observations:


The "coach" knew exactly what he was going for when he did what he did. He had no intention of marrying your wife. He was not crazy in love with her. This may not be his only dalliance for all we know. We do know he is a predator and will do this with other women linked to the hockey team who will most likely be married mothers. He needs to be taken down - no question.

Your wife is no spring chicken. She too knew exactly what she was doing when she continued with this - whatever the reason. Again, I do not believe she was looking to marry the coach. So all she wanted was the titillation and whatever else came with it - make no mistake - she too needs some comeuppance.

If you do not confront and expose, you will not only be allowing the coach to continue doing what he does, and letting your wife off the hook for her to repeat offend in the future when it tickles her fancy and she is more careful, but you will also be losing her respect and in fact losing respect for yourself. If your kids ever pick up on this, you will be causing a lot more damage to them than some "embarrassment" at you doing the right thing!

Right now you cannot believe anything that the coach or your wife says. We have all heard "the look in her eyes told me she hadn't done anything physical" only to find out the complete opposite later - and each time the betrayed spouse was "truly shocked". Take the necessary precautions to (a) find out what really happened, and (b) if it is still continuing after you have asked her to stop. You will need to be twice as vigilant and smart about it because to some extent, you confronted her too soon without finding out more.

You need to be prepared to walk away from this marriage if a line has been crossed - and you need to be sure about what that line is and that it has indeed been crossed.

Stop worrying about embarrassing the kids and start worrying about your and their well being as well as the well being of your marriage - much more important.


----------



## manfromlamancha

And earlier I had asked for some more info about your marriage and relationship including your ages etc. Would help us look at this with a better perspective if you could provide some more info.


----------



## Revamped

I guess I'm the only one who believes in keeping my marriage MY business.

No, absolutely do NOT tell the Coach's wife. Their marriage is theirs to decide on their own terms.

What, just walk over to her and say, "Hey Marg, your husband is sexting MY wife. Looked here, I got proof!"

How utterly demeaning, demoralizing, embarrassing for her! And, she might already know. 

It makes you look childish and foolish.

Deal with your wife on your terms. And leave them alone.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I caught my wife texting another Man...*



Revamped said:


> I guess I'm the only one who believes in keeping my marriage MY business.
> 
> No, absolutely do NOT tell the Coach's wife. Their marriage is theirs to decide on their own terms.
> 
> What, just walk over to her and say, "Hey Marg, your husband is sexting MY wife. Looked here, I got proof!"
> 
> How utterly demeaning, demoralizing, embarrassing for her! And, she might already know.
> 
> It makes you look childish and foolish.
> 
> Deal with your wife on your terms. And leave them alone.


Or she might not know and is losing years off her life spinning her wheels trying to find out why her husband refuses to meet her needs or accept what she has to offer. Every betrayed and deceived spouse I've ever talked to wished somebody would have given them a clue. Plus it is possibly mutually beneficial to initiate the conversation.


----------



## tom67

Revamped said:


> I guess I'm the only one who believes in keeping my marriage MY business.
> 
> No, absolutely do NOT tell the Coach's wife. Their marriage is theirs to decide on their own terms.
> 
> What, just walk over to her and say, "Hey Marg, your husband is sexting MY wife. Looked here, I got proof!"
> 
> How utterly demeaning, demoralizing, embarrassing for her! And, she might already know.
> 
> It makes you look childish and foolish.
> 
> Deal with your wife on your terms. And leave them alone.


It became HIS business when a predator entered his marriage.
In fact I would put his arse on cheaterville and send the link to as many other fathers he knows and find out where he works and send his boss the link.


----------



## azteca1986

Revamped said:


> How utterly demeaning, demoralizing, embarrassing for her! And, she might already know.


She's being told by the one person in the world who knows exactly how she feels.

Besides, it's morally the right thing to do.


----------



## staarz21

I understand you are worried about your child. Thing is, your wife clearly wasn't thinking about this and SHE is the one that did it, not you. 

You will feel guilty, though you shouldn't. She caused this. You have to remember that. 

I would say talk to the OM and tell him that if he doesn't leave your wife alone...you will bring proof to his wife of his actions. OR you can always send an anonymous letter and let the wife know anyway. If it were you, would you want to know if your spouse was cheating?

Tell your wife that she no longer helps with your son's hockey team. She is an observer/cheering mom from the bleachers now.


----------



## Revamped

Being a busy body is morally correct?

A buttinski?

A rat?

Narc?

No thanks, leave them to their own marriage.


----------



## tom67

Revamped said:


> Being a busy body is morally correct?
> 
> A buttinski?
> 
> A rat?
> 
> Narc?
> 
> No thanks, leave them to their own marriage.


Ugh as Rambo said...
He drew first blood.
Plus you have to factor in STDs.
Were you a cheater?


----------



## thatbpguy

Revamped said:


> Being a busy body is morally correct?
> 
> A buttinski?
> 
> A rat?
> 
> Narc?
> 
> No thanks, leave them to their own marriage.


A spouse has a right to know if their SO is betraying them. Especially if it comes from the betrayed other person. 

It's called accountability.


----------



## Revamped

Nope. Never cheated on anybody.

I don't agree about making MY marriage the responsibility of others. 

What happens between me and my husband STAYS between us.


----------



## azteca1986

Revamped said:


> What happens between me and my husband STAYS between us.


What if your husband is sexting a married co-worker. Is your marriage still between "us"? 

Though I must say being considered a "buttinski" is particularly disconcerting. I'd have to reconsider dong the right thing if it meant wearing that label


----------



## Revamped

I wouldn't go blabbing to her husband about it, that's for sure...


----------



## Tobyboy

Revamped said:


> Nope. Never cheated on anybody.
> 
> I don't agree about making MY marriage the responsibility of others.
> 
> What happens between me and my husband STAYS between us.


But when OP posts about his marital troubles, you don't have a problem giving *your* opinion on it. Correct?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Revamped said:


> Being a busy body is morally correct?


Sure, if it saves a marriage.


> A buttinski?


Sure, if it saves a marriage.


> A rat?


Sure, if it saves a marriage.


> Narc?


Sure, if it saves a marriage.


> No thanks, leave them to their own marriage.


I wish the busy body buttinski rat coach wold have read this sentence before going down this road.


----------



## lenzi

Revamped said:


> What, just walk over to her and say, "Hey Marg, your husband is sexting MY wife. Looked here, I got proof!"


Well he can be discreet.. walk over to her, introduce himself and say "I've got something I think you need to see". 



Revamped said:


> How utterly demeaning, demoralizing, embarrassing for her!


It might be embarassing, and it might be demeaning.. not sure where you get demoralizing from but anyway, it's the truth. And it's her husband who caused the problem, not the Op who would simply be providing her with the benefit of the truth.



Revamped said:


> And, she might already know.


And, she might not know. If she does know, she could say "I already know", and that would be that. 



Revamped said:


> It makes you look childish and foolish.


Not really seeing that. I'm seeing it as a guy who feels helpless and is concerned about the state of his marriage, nothing more. 



Revamped said:


> Deal with your wife on your terms. And leave them alone.


He's not dealing with his wife effectively. He needs help. The wife could be a valuable resource. He's in a bad place, he wants to fix it. That requires work, and tools. The wife could be a useful tool, no need to discard it just because it might be "embarassing' or because some misguided internet poster seems to think it's nobody else's business.


----------



## Revamped

Yes, because it was an open invitation.

Not an evasion of privacy.

Look, we can agree to disagree.

OP is free to do what he thinks is right for him and his marriage to do. I gave my opinion. And the reasons why. It can backfire as quickly as getting him the results he seeks.


----------



## lenzi

Revamped said:


> It can backfire as quickly as getting him the results he seeks.


How could it backfire?

His wife could get mad at him?

She probably WILL get mad at him.

At which point he can be strong and shrug his shoulders and say "honey you brought this on yourself now you can either make it right or you can leave"


----------



## Tobyboy

Revamped said:


> *Yes, because it was an open invitation.*
> 
> Not an evasion of privacy.
> 
> Look, we can agree to disagree.
> 
> OP is free to do what he thinks is right for him and his marriage to do. I gave my opinion. And the reasons why. It can backfire as quickly as getting him the results he seeks.


So, by that logic, he could offer the omw's the same "open invitation" to hear him out. Agree?


----------



## Revamped

Observer said:


> Hold up, that is harsh considering he is thinking about his kid first. Look, in the hockey community, something like this will spread everywhere. I'm in Detroit, youth hockey here is on par with Minnestoa, it's huge. This kind of stuff reaches all over, it will certainly get to his kid. he does not want that. So before we talk about exposing it, try to understand the dynamics. You want your kid hearing his mom was doing the hockey coach and having him get made fun of? I think not.
> 
> There is a way for him to deal with the situation. His problem is not the coach, it's his wife.And to that aspect, it does not sound good. Assume she has had an affair Irish and deal with that internally. No one needs to know.


Thank you for this.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

irish72 said:


> checked a few times nothing that seemed that bad or out of line. Just didn't feel right tho, so I then proceeded to call her in it tell her I was jealous and she made me feel like nothing was happening. So I start to doubt myself and felt like I let her down by questioning her,


So, he followed your suggestion of "What happens between me and my husband STAYS between us," Genders swapped of course, before you posted.



irish72 said:


> well I finally checked 1 more time and hit the jackpot I found a *newly added viber account* with a lot of kissy faces and hearts a few inappropriate comments from coach,


....and it backfired.


----------



## Revamped

That's two separate issues though.

OP found inappropriate behavior coming from HIS wife, not the Coach's wife...


----------



## Revamped

Ok, so let's assume for a second, that OP goes to the other wife, tells her that her husband has had inappropriate dialog with his wife.

And she doesn't believe him. She asks her husband, the coach and he denies everything. Trusting wife that she is, comes back to OP saying he's a crap disturber and stay away from her and her family.

Word gets around that OP accuses coach (which is true) but nobody cares about the Truth now. They care that OP opened his big fat lies, trying to destroy the coach's impeccable reputation.

OP, and his family are a big laughing stock now. Adults snicker and whisper behind his back. Or worse.

THAT, is what can go wrong...

I've seen that scenario in action. Not pleasant for any party involved.


----------



## tom67

Revamped said:


> That's two separate issues though.
> 
> OP found inappropriate behavior coming from HIS wife, not the Coach's wife...


No it isn't
The sooner the affair is exposed the sooner it ends.
Pretty simple.:banghead::slap::noel:


----------



## Revamped

You can only control your life, not somebody else's....


----------



## tom67

Revamped said:


> You can only control your life, not somebody else's....


:iagree:
You can control what you will or will not put up with.
Staying a silent doormat is NEVER a good thing.


----------



## Revamped

OP isn't being silent.

He brought it to his wife's attention and is currently working on his marriage. (Or not...)


----------



## lenzi

Revamped said:


> You can only control your life, not somebody else's....


You can't control your own life.

To some degree you can create favorable outcomes by making good decisions and you can have bad results because of bad decisions, but generally speaking, when you consider the extrinsic factors (other people, random circumstances, things that affect a person beyond their ability to change it), there's not a heck of a lot about our lives we can actually control. We're just sort of along for the ride and we get to steer once in a while.


----------



## WonkyNinja

*Re: Re: I caught my wife texting another Man...*



thatbpguy said:


> This is a coach of a kid's team that is prowling for sex with "hockey moms". Who's to say it won't extent to kids?
> 
> You really have no decent choice but to expose. Put your big boy panties on and do the right thing.


You're suggesting that because the Coach texted with a mom that it might extend to the kids? 
That's a completely ridiculous assumption.


----------



## always_hopefull

OP I strongly urge you to pursue a complaint to your governing body, before this man destroys another marriage. He's a predator, pure and simple. Also take over managing until he steps aside and let's an assistant coach take over. 

If your wife was so concerned with her image, she shouldn't have cheated. Yes, cheated. She had an EA (emotional affair) and she needs to find out why she stepped out on your marriage. Start by having her read "not just friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and get her into some IC. There's something in her she needs to address, sooner the better. 

I have seen this scenario play out before me a few years ago. The entire community heard all about it after a husband found out the coach was banging his wife. Your lucky you found it early before it could go to a full on PA or physical affair. I would definitely expose the affair and proof to the other mans wife, respectfully, it doesn't have to be malicious or loud enough for the rink to hear, but she should know so that she can either fight for her marriage or be complacent. But it needs to be her choice. I only wish someone had told me that my EXH was a letch, I wouldn't have wasted so many years on him. As far as everyone knowing and taking the coaches side, well that just speculation. You need to make a choice based on your conscience. Ask yourself, would you want to know? Would you like to find out a few years down the road you wife was having van EA? Or do you feel more secure in your marriage now you know what your wife is capable of and monitor this coach? I'm sure his wife feels the same.

I would also like to add that you should transfer this to the CWI forum, coping with infidelity, there are numerous people over there with some really good ideas on how to get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## wise

Revamped said:


> Ok, so let's assume for a second, that OP goes to the other wife, tells her that her husband has had inappropriate dialog with his wife.
> 
> And she doesn't believe him. She asks her husband, the coach and he denies everything. Trusting wife that she is, comes back to OP saying he's a crap disturber and stay away from her and her family.
> 
> Word gets around that OP accuses coach (which is true) but nobody cares about the Truth now. They care that OP opened his big fat lies, trying to destroy the coach's impeccable reputation.
> 
> OP, and his family are a big laughing stock now. Adults snicker and whisper behind his back. Or worse.
> 
> THAT, is what can go wrong...
> 
> I've seen that scenario in action. Not pleasant for any party involved.


Or.. how about, lets _not assume._ Being 'paranoid' will get you nowhere in life. 

This is the situation. His wife lied to him. He further investigated and found inappropriate messages and heart symbols, etc. between *his* wife AND *another* man. Just in that moment, the other man's business with the OP's wife became the OP's business. Therefore, everything about that OM, including his marriage, becomes the OP's business. AND then, OP's wife cries and tells him that is all it was and it's over.

So now what? What is the next step. To just nag her and nag her so she can lie more and more. Sit back after exposure and reexpose? What is the answer Revamped? How does he just deal with HIS relationship WITHOUT effecting anyone? Talk it out, don't tell the board, don't tell the guys wife, let her stay near him, etc?

Give me a break. You obviously do not know how any of this works. And you wouldn't want another person to tell you that they 'were f*cking your spouse because they thought your spouse was single' while your spouse was coming home afterwards greeting you with a nice big kiss? Please.


----------



## always_hopefull

Revamped said:


> Nope. Never cheated on anybody.
> 
> I don't agree about making MY marriage the responsibility of others.
> 
> What happens between me and my husband STAYS between us.



Really? How would you feel if your husband was cheating on you and most of your friends knew? What if he got this woman pregnant or the affair lasted years? Would you still feel the same way then, that everything is just between you and your H, even if everyone knew before you? Let me tell you from experience it's absolutely humiliating that so many people knew before I did. Totally devestating and to be truthful, unless you've been cheated on and experienced the pain any humiliation of the betrayal, you'll never know what's it's like to have wasted years of your life on someone who didn't give a damn about you. I wish I knew so I wouldn't have facilitated his affairs, his dates, by being so accommodating. 

The thing here is, a marriage is between an H and a W . When an outsider comes into the mix all bets are off. It is the ops right to c&$k block his wife and the best way to do that is to inform the other mans wife so she can keep tabs on him. Were not saying to take a billboard sign out and put it in front of the arena. Were talking about tastefully informing he POS's wife that she should be concerned about her H's fidelity. After that, it's all up to her, but at least he did the morally right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thor

Revamped said:


> No, absolutely do NOT tell the Coach's wife. Their marriage is theirs to decide on their own terms.


There is some evidence my wife had at least one affair. Probably several if there was one. For me it is a nuclear boundary - if she has sex outside the marriage it is D.

But I have no solid proof of affairs. Just suspicions based on several red flags.

I can't nuke the marriage based on suspicions. Not a 30 year marriage, with kids and all the deep and serious financial issues involved.

If a woman out there knows her husband and my wife were in an affair, and if she told me, it would give me the resolution I need to get out of this limbo. Ultimately it would bring me peace to know my suspicions were warranted, and it would allow me to move on to better relationships.

The coach's wife may be in a similar situation where she would benefit greatly by knowing the truth. IMO, knowing reality is always best because it allows one to make informed decisions about one's own life.

jmho.


----------



## AliceA

I'd want to know. I think that keeping something like that to yourself, as someone very much involved in the situation, is unforgivably indifferent to the wellbeing of another person. Just because you may not know them doesn't mean you don't have the responsibility to tell them, as one betrayed spouse to another. Sometimes the betrayed spouse who finds out is the only one who *can* tell the other spouse who is still in the dark.

Brings to mind Boondock Saints: "Now, we must all fear evil men. But, there is another kind of evil which we must fear most … and that is the indifference of good men!"


----------



## AVR1962

irish72 said:


> So here's the deal I've been happily married for 12 years had some ups and downs but all in all solid, we've gotting stronger in the last year or so then at any point. My wife is the manager of our sons hockey team and recently has been talking a lot with one of the coaches and I became jealous obviously they have to talk and text about team matters, recently I have been noticing her shutting off the phone a lot when I come around so me being tech savvy I would gaze and caught her password, checked a few times nothing that seemed that bad or out of line. Just didn't feel right tho, so I then proceeded to call her in it tell her I was jealous and she made me feel like nothing was happening. So I start to doubt myself and felt like I let her down by questioning her, well I finally checked 1 more time and hit the jackpot I found a newly added viber account with a lot of kissy faces and hearts a few inappropriate comments from coach, so I called her downstairs and confronted her and she started to deny it but came around said it just started it just happened like it was a high school thing, I called the coach told him I found there texts that if it didn't stop I have copies and I'll take the to his wife and family, she said she called him and told him that it was stupid she loves me and no more texting.
> I'll still be having a talk with him in person so the rest of this hockey season will be fun, NOT. I don't believe it was physical but disheartening to say the least. She has taken ownership of it knows it was stupid and dumb, and won't stop crying when it comes up continually says she loves me and will do whatever I want her to do to fix this, I love her more than life itself and want to work through it but also realize it may not be possible with my thoughts in my head, Thanks for the ears would love to hear all your thoughts.


You handled matters very well. You were honest and upfront, she admitted and even though she denied it initially, it is out in the open. I wish my husband had the guts to confront anyone so I applaud you on meeting with this man in person. I think this will give the man an idea that you mean business and are not hiding behind your wife's skirt. From here if they decide to go behind your back and continue the relationship you also need to be strong enough to make your call to leave. I know many that stay and let their spouse deal with an affair but it is not fair to anyone.


----------



## Revamped

wise said:


> Or.. how about, lets _not assume._ Being 'paranoid' will get you nowhere in life.
> 
> This is the situation. His wife lied to him. He further investigated and found inappropriate messages and heart symbols, etc. between *his* wife AND *another* man. Just in that moment, the other man's business with the OP's wife became the OP's business. Therefore, everything about that OM, including his marriage, becomes the OP's business. AND then, OP's wife cries and tells him that is all it was and it's over.
> 
> So now what? What is the next step. To just nag her and nag her so she can lie more and more. Sit back after exposure and reexpose? What is the answer Revamped? How does he just deal with HIS relationship WITHOUT effecting anyone? Talk it out, don't tell the board, don't tell the guys wife, let her stay near him, etc?
> 
> Give me a break. You obviously do not know how any of this works. And you wouldn't want another person to tell you that they 'were f*cking your spouse because they thought your spouse was single' while your spouse was coming home afterwards greeting you with a nice big kiss? Please.


First, I'd enroll in IC to be able to understand my role in all this. Then, couples therapy to see how to repair the marriage. If after that time, it becomes clear that I wouldn't be able to move past the betrayal, or my husband had no interest in owning his cheating behavior, then I would start divorce proceedings.

That's about as fair and honest as I get.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I caught my wife texting another Man...*



Revamped said:


> First, I'd enroll in IC to be able to understand my role in all this. Then, couples therapy to see how to repair the marriage. If after that time, it becomes clear that I wouldn't be able to move past the betrayal, or my husband had no interest in owning his cheating behavior, then I would start divorce proceedings.
> 
> That's about as fair and honest as I get.


Except you wouldn't know there was a betrayal because you have never been given that crucial piece of information, and nobody ever expects their own spouse to be cheating on them unless their are red flags that get noticed. You would still be stuck going along unsure why you sense a disconnect, and that would continue along as long as your spouse was getting away with it. You can't get past a betrayal until after you know there has been a betrayal.

Of course, the OMs marriage problems are not for OP to worry about, he just needs to make sure the affair is busted up and the most effective way is to expose it to everyone with a stake in it.


----------



## irish72

Revamped said:


> OP isn't being silent.
> 
> He brought it to his wife's attention and is currently working on his marriage. (Or not...)


I am I did and things are what they are some progress has been made it's gonna be a slow process trust needs to be earned again, I will be having a talk with the coach and if I don't get the answers or the reaction to what he has done to me I will move forward with his removal and notification, I'd rather not but I just can't absorb all the pain and hurt, he has to feel what my wife and I are feeling, and to a past poster I could and would stick a stick in his arse!


----------



## manfromlamancha

OP, please do not group what you and your wife are feeling together. Your wife is NOT feeling what you are feeling. You have been betrayed. She, along with the coach, did the betraying.

Just so that you can be clear as you go forward, you want true remorse from her (and not just for being caught) and you want the [email protected] out of his job and to feel the repercussions of what he did and was probably doing with other "hockey moms".


----------



## manfromlamancha

By the way, I am willing to bet that you only know less than 10% of what actually happened. And you are not going to get the truth (if that is what you seek) by asking them (notice I say them and not just him).

Whoever is advising you to not expose, sweep it under the rug, don't let the neighbours see your dirty linen, etc. has never dealt with this effectively before, I can assure you.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Has she relinquished her duties at manager? Sorry i don't recall?


----------



## Janis

Just so you know, I am very sorry that you are going through this especially right here at the holidays.


----------



## thatbpguy

Revamped said:


> Ok, so let's assume for a second, that OP goes to the other wife, tells her that her husband has had inappropriate dialog with his wife.
> 
> And she doesn't believe him. She asks her husband, the coach and he denies everything. Trusting wife that she is, comes back to OP saying he's a crap disturber and stay away from her and her family.
> 
> Word gets around that OP accuses coach (which is true) but nobody cares about the Truth now. They care that OP opened his big fat lies, trying to destroy the coach's impeccable reputation.
> 
> OP, and his family are a big laughing stock now. Adults snicker and whisper behind his back. Or worse.
> 
> THAT, is what can go wrong...
> 
> I've seen that scenario in action. Not pleasant for any party involved.


The OP needs to man up, go over and be HONEST, rather than hiding in a corner cowering and pretending this never happened. He owes that to himself, the OM's wife, his kids and the hockey association. If he isn't believed that isn't his problem. His job is to face this and man up. It's like if someone states a lie about me, I will refute it. I don't care if I am believed or not. The important thing is that, for both my and mine sake, I cleared the truth. To suggest rug sweeping and hiding as the only way to go seems wrong to me.

To do less it to be a bald faced coward.


----------



## irish72

Janis said:


> Just so you know, I am very sorry that you are going through this especially right here at the holidays.


Thanks and I appreciate it it helps I get all the posters saying leave my wife expose the coach and tell his wife I truly get it and take all of it into account but I can't move forward until the coach hears from me and he will listen and he will answer because he'll have more to lose at that point in his life then he ever has I can be a very persuasive person and with all I know he knows he is owned, it gives me some satisfaction. I will inform you all the outcome when it happens because if you are at one end of the spectrum or the other on this issue I have, your comments have and will continue to be helpful and informative and for that I Thank You All.


----------



## thatbpguy

irish72 said:


> Thanks and I appreciate it it helps I get all the posters saying leave my wife expose the coach and tell his wife I truly get it and take all of it into account but I can't move forward until the coach hears from me and he will listen and he will answer because he'll have more to lose at that point in his life then he ever has I can be a very persuasive person and with all I know he knows he is owned, it gives me some satisfaction. I will inform you all the outcome when it happens because if you are at one end of the spectrum or the other on this issue I have, your comments have and will continue to be helpful and informative and for that I Thank You All.


For the record, I am not one who thinks you should leave your wife. I do think she needs to be fully transparent about all this to your saitsfaction and you can gauge how to best proceed. In reading your posts I don't see anything that can't be rectified.

I wish you the best.


----------



## tryingpatience

I think many here assume these things always go physical. I don't advocate leaving your wife at this point. Get to the truth and don't assume anything. I hope for the OP that this hasn't escalated to a PA. I'm all for keeping the family together.


----------



## tom67

I didn't say to leave your wife either but you have to talk to his wife FIRST otherwise he can make up a story about you the crazy father.
Please talk to her first and show her the texts.
You can stop further damage and she won't admit it but your wife will respect you for this.


----------



## LongWalk

Tom is right. Talk to OM's wife. No heads up for him.

Don't make the mistake of confronting him first. In fact, don't confront him at all because you cannot beat him up. Law forbids it.


----------



## AliceA

Not quite sure what confronting the OM is going to do. What if he turns around and says, "dude, I screwed your wife better than you ever could" or something like that. Next thing you know you're up on assault charges.

Most of the time I just see the betrayed spouse send a 'No Contact' letter, expose to friends and family and the other betrayed spouse. I mean, how does that conversation go? "Can you stop trying to screw my wife please, she's really digging it and I'm getting concerned?"


----------



## Observer

thatbpguy said:


> The OP needs to man up, go over and be HONEST, rather than hiding in a corner cowering and pretending this never happened. He owes that to himself, the OM's wife, his kids and the hockey association. If he isn't believed that isn't his problem. His job is to face this and man up. It's like if someone states a lie about me, I will refute it. I don't care if I am believed or not. The important thing is that, for both my and mine sake, I cleared the truth. To suggest rug sweeping and hiding as the only way to go seems wrong to me.
> 
> To do less it to be a bald faced coward.


Why are you concentrated on the man? You are more focused on him than Irish's wife, who he is married to. Do you think it's the coaches fault his wife betrayed him? 

Look, I understand the anger and wanting to beat his [email protected], but how is that helping the current situation? Once again, I do think the OMs wife needs to know. Chances are it comes to blows at that point anyway. However, right here, right now, he needs to think of his kid and his marriage. The coach is not the problem, she could move on to another man they dont know. Clearly something is amiss as she has sought attention from another man.


----------



## lenzi

thatbpguy said:


> The OP needs to man up, go over and be HONEST, rather than hiding in a corner cowering and pretending this never happened. He owes that to himself, the OM's wife, his kids and the hockey association.


He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.


----------



## Yeswecan

thatbpguy said:


> 1. You MUST tell his wife. For both accountability and to get this to stop.
> 
> 2. End of hockey season. Your wife is no longer manager and should be banned from seeing this man again at practices....
> 
> 3. Your wife needs to be held accountable.
> 
> 4. Were it me, I'd send a letter to all the parents of the kids and to the league association. They need to know the coach is on the prowl and he needs to be fired as a coach.
> 
> I think to do any less is empowering them to continue.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Iver

I'm not sure what the point is of talking to the coach for starters. He's going to deny everything. Guaranteed. 

My concern is you are not in a position to make an informed decision because you simply do not know what transpired between your wife and the OM. The fact they were using a special app to communicate is a very major red flag. (I'd find out exactly when that got installed)

Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and get it installed in her car and somewhere in the home. Visit the OM's wife and show her what you found and DO NOT GIVE ANYONE A HEADS UP ON THIS.

Then wait and see if you catch them talking & trying to get their stories straight.

The other alternative is tell your wife you want her to take a polygraph because you don't want to spend the next twenty years wondering if she banged this guy. Since she installed a a cheaters app on her phone and *lied *to you about it I think you are on solid ground to request this.

This may be just what she says of course, and I hope that is the case, but you may want to think very carefully about what you want to do if things go sideways on you. (by that I mean start looking for a good divorce attorney)

Best of Luck.


----------



## Nucking Futs

lenzi said:


> He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.


And this kind of completely selfish attitude is why modern society is becoming less and less civil. You owe perfect strangers courtesy, you owe perfect strangers consideration. You owe perfect strangers the same treatment you would appreciate from them, and no less. If you would want someone to tell you in similar circumstances you owe it to his wife to tell her.


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> And this kind of completely selfish attitude is why modern society is becoming less and less civil. You owe perfect strangers courtesy, you owe perfect strangers consideration. You owe perfect strangers the same treatment you would appreciate from them, and no less. If you would want someone to tell you in similar circumstances you owe it to his wife to tell her.


AMEN!
You do the right thing how his wife reacts well I wouldn't care they should have thought about it before screwing around.


----------



## Janis

breeze said:


> Not quite sure what confronting the OM is going to do. What if he turns around and says, "dude, I screwed your wife better than you ever could" or something like that. Next thing you know you're up on assault charges.
> 
> Most of the time I just see the betrayed spouse send a 'No Contact' letter, expose to friends and family and the other betrayed spouse. I mean, how does that conversation go? "Can you stop trying to screw my wife please, she's really digging it and I'm getting concerned?"


I agree with this line of thinking, but wasn't sure if it needed to be said. 

I am never in agreement with contacting the other person. The commitment lies with the wife. If she had/has multiple other men, would each be contacted?

At best, the coach should be reported for crossing ethical lines. I wouldn't push it further than that.


----------



## Iver

Re. contacting the OM's wife.

First - the Golden Rule applies. Treat other people how you'd want to be treated. 

Second - This puts a major damper on their fun and games. It's a reality check for the OP's wife who now has to deal with some ugliness. It also makes it harder to have the affair restarted. 

Third - Vengeance. It makes life difficult for the OM and doesn't involve jail time and new prison BFF's.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I caught my wife texting another Man...*



Nucking Futs said:


> And this kind of completely selfish attitude is why modern society is becoming less and less civil. You owe perfect strangers courtesy, you owe perfect strangers consideration. You owe perfect strangers the same treatment you would appreciate from them, and no less. If you would want someone to tell you in similar circumstances you owe it to his wife to tell her.


He's got his own problems to deal with, informing the OM's W isn't out of courtesy or to help her have a better life (though this may be of secondary benefit), he does it to help ensure this affair gets blown up and to possibly gain information - the OW's W may have some pieces of the puzzle.


----------



## Nucking Futs

Lon said:


> He's got his own problems to deal with, informing the OM's W isn't out of courtesy or to help her have a better life (though this may be of secondary benefit), he does it to help ensure this affair gets blown up and to possibly gain information - the OW's W may have some pieces of the puzzle.


You only tell the other bs if it benefits you? WTF is wrong with you people? Why does doing the right thing have to also have something in it for you? Can't you do the right thing just because it's the right thing?


----------



## lenzi

Nucking Futs said:


> You only tell the other bs if it benefits you? WTF is wrong with you people? Why does doing the right thing have to also have something in it for you? Can't you do the right thing just because it's the right thing?


Most people are inherently selfish by nature, that's the truth whether it's something you want to accept or not.

When someone is going through marital crisis such as the Op on this thread, the last thing they're thinking about is helping out other people even though it may be "the right thing" whatever that is.


----------



## Nucking Futs

lenzi said:


> Most people are inherently selfish by nature, that's the truth whether it's something you want to accept or not.


Of course people are inherently selfish by nature, that's why children have to be taught to share, and why, by the time you become an adult, you should have already learned to do the right thing regardless of whether you directly benefit or not.



lenzi said:


> When someone is going through marital crisis such as the Op on this thread, the last thing they're thinking about is helping out other people even though it may be "the right thing" whatever that is.


And I have no problem with that, and have no problem with members reminding them to do it. My problem arises when people like you and Lon argue against doing the right thing out of selfishness. 

We're edging into t/j territory here so I'm not going to respond further on this. If you want to continue debating it start a thread and pm me.


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> Of course people are inherently selfish by nature, that's why children have to be taught to share, and why, by the time you become an adult, you should have already learned to do the right thing regardless of whether you directly benefit or not.
> 
> 
> 
> And I have no problem with that, and have no problem with members reminding them to do it. My problem arises when people like you and Lon argue against doing the right thing out of selfishness.
> 
> We're edging into t/j territory here so I'm not going to respond further on this. If you want to continue debating it start a thread and pm me.


I and my sis had to sit through 2 overtimes because my BIL loves Dirk Novitzky of the Mavericks.
Now there is a t/j:banghead::banghead::banghead:


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: I caught my wife texting another Man...*



Nucking Futs said:


> You only tell the other bs if it benefits you? WTF is wrong with you people? Why does doing the right thing have to also have something in it for you? Can't you do the right thing just because it's the right thing?


Where did I say to not do the right thing? I am simply pointing out where the priority lies and where the motivation to act comes from. In a marital crisis, your own needs supercede some random stranger's.

And in case you've missed my earlier posts, I am all for exposing this to the other betrayed spouse, but not "just" because it's the right thing to do.


----------



## thatbpguy

lenzi said:


> He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.


I get it. 

You don't believe in honesty and accountability. Life is to be lived with our heads buried in the sand.

Well, I do believe in both honesty and accountability. And I live with my held high and on straight. 

We will agree to disagree.


----------



## Suspecting2014

thatbpguy said:


> lenzi said:
> 
> 
> 
> He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.
> 
> 
> 
> I get it.
> 
> You don't believe in honesty and accountability. Life is to be lived with our heads buried in the sand.
> 
> Well, I do believe in both honesty and accountability. And I live with my held high and on straight.
> 
> We will agree to disagree.
Click to expand...

Totally agree.

Exposing is a must if Irish wants to R.


----------



## the guy

lenzi said:


> He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.


I personally don't think OP owes the OMW, but just to phuck with tho OM and phuck up his world....but hey that's just me.

The reality is OP can protect his marriage by bringing others that will help in making an affair inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible to continue.

If OP wants to save this then that's the best approach IMHO.

So ya OP doesn't OMW sh1t but the fact still remains that OP needs another set of eyes to help him protect a marriage and what better why then to have an ally that also wants to protect a marriage.

Now back to my screwed up way of thinking.... if anyone owes any one ...it's the OM and that OP can phuck with his world for going after his old lady....thats what the OM is owed!


----------



## Janis

Can we get an update?


----------



## irish72

Janis said:


> Can we get an update?


The update is I have to think of my son and he is the most important thing in this situation, if the board learns of it everyone know if his wife learns everyone knows and my son gets labeled, I played sports and have been around kids that are labeled and it torments them. I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley. My wife and I are working through this I, told my wife that the only way I can possibly move forward is to have a sit down with the OM and talk if I don't get the responses or body language I'm looking for, it changes everything see I want my marriage to work but I'm a grown man and walking away isn't a problem.


----------



## Observer

Good luck Irish, do what you think is best man. I hope it all works out.


----------



## Suspecting2014

irish72 said:


> The update is I have to think of my son and he is the most important thing in this situation, if the board learns of it everyone know if his wife learns everyone knows and my son gets labeled, I played sports and have been around kids that are labeled and it torments them. I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley. My wife and I are working through this I, told my wife that the only way I can possibly move forward is to have a sit down with the OM and talk if I don't get the responses or body language I'm looking for, it changes everything see I want my marriage to work but I'm a grown man and walking away isn't a problem.


IMO, you just make a terrible mistake, 

Your wife will tell OM what to say to you!

By this way you will never get the truth.

I belive you should do this:

Have a talk to OMW, explain your concern about exposing to the board as I belive OMW has a son in the league too, that is why Om is there, rigth?

Ask her for a poly. make an appointment and give her the date and hour.

Monitorig the history on the computer you will see if she looks for "hoe to beat the poly", then you have your answer.

Any how, R is not for everyone. A EA is a valid reazon to D if you feel like.

Good luck


----------



## Suspecting2014

Just one more thing,

If you talk to OM, demand him to leave the couching!! you don't need this POS be around your kid.

Your wife was very disrespectful not only to you, but your sion, to get carried away with a guy who is in contact with your son.

Does he already knows?

Send him a message from your wife phone, telling him you have all the messages (a little lie) as your wife didnt delete them right. Tell him to met you at a public place and keep an eye on your wife until being with him.

If possible carry a recorder, just in case he treats you.


----------



## Janis

I'm going to throw myself under the bus in order to be as helpful as possible. 

I was once the OW in an emotional/texting type of "affair" and I was contacted by his woman. 

Let me know if you have any questions and I'll be glad to answer.


----------



## ButtPunch

irish72 said:


> The update is I have to think of my son and he is the most important thing in this situation, if the board learns of it everyone know if his wife learns everyone knows and my son gets labeled, I played sports and have been around kids that are labeled and it torments them. I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley. My wife and I are working through this I, told my wife that the only way I can possibly move forward is to have a sit down with the OM and talk if I don't get the responses or body language I'm looking for, it changes everything see I want my marriage to work but I'm a grown man and walking away isn't a problem.


I understand your thought process but do believe this is a mistake. I have seen this many times before here on TAM and your story is no different. Over the last couple of years I can think of two stories that involved soccer coaches. I think SR125H was one. You should at a minimum expose to OMW if you want a better chance of saving your marriage.


----------



## Clay2013

Wow....... Are you kidding your going to allow your son to continue to be around this looser. He is the role model you want for your son. I feel sorry for your son. 

What a tragedy. 

Clay


----------



## Thor

irish72 said:


> I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley.


You have no idea what your son has heard or why he is acting differently. Someone may have told him that his mom is screwing the coach. He may have seen the messages on his mom's phone and figured it out himself. He might just be reacting to the tension between you and your W.


----------



## naiveonedave

The OM is not going to tell you anything that you already don't know. He will probably either blow you off or potentially get aggressive or lie to make his story and your W story match.

Short of torture, he has no reason to be honest with you.


----------



## ReidWright

Thor said:


> You have no idea what your son has heard or why he is acting differently. Someone may have told him that his mom is screwing the coach. He may have seen the messages on his mom's phone and figured it out himself. He might just be reacting to the tension between you and your W.


yep, imagine making this poor kid get 'coached' by the guy that is trying (or succeeded) in getting into his mom's pants.

watch out for "I don't like hockey anymore", lashing out at authorities, doing poorly in school, etc.

OP, what's your son's opinion of Coach Wonderpants?


----------



## hubbydude

ReidWright said:


> yep, imagine making this poor kid get 'coached' by the guy that is trying (or succeeded) in getting into his mom's pants.
> 
> watch out for "I don't like hockey anymore", lashing out at authorities, doing poorly in school, etc.
> 
> OP, what's your son's opinion of Coach Wonderpants?


I really feel for the OP, this is a horrible situation that his wife has put him in. But I agree, going public risks impacting his son, but not going public risks his son finding out anyway and knowing that his Dad done nothing about it. That could potentially be even more impactful.

At the very least, the coach has to go!


----------



## vellocet

lenzi said:


> He owes NOTHING to OM's wife or the hockey association and this has nothing to do with his kids so just stop trying to put him up to something based on your rather warped viewpoint that we owe things to perfect strangers. We don't.


Oh come on now, its not a warped view. Perhaps "owing" the OM's wife is the wrong word here. Sure he doesn't "owe" her since he was never directly involved in her betrayal. 

But it would be the decent thing to do to give the OM's wife the information she deserves to make a decision whether or not she will end OM's abuse of her.

Just like I don't owe it to some strange lady on the street to hold a door open for her, but it is the nice and decent thing to do.


----------



## Iver

I understand the OP's concern regarding his son's position is impacting his decision to notify the OM's wife.

I don't quite understand why the OM's wife would spread this around but whatever - if he thinks that's what is going to happen so be it. 

Perhaps a different hockey league next year if possible and of course your wife immediately drops contact with the coach/hockey/the whole scene.

I don't think talking to the OM will resolve anything since deny deny deny is taught on day one in cheaters 101 class.

Just understand it's not normal for people to install special apps on their phones if they are just doing high school flirting. I don't know if the texts are retrievable but talk to some techies and see what they say. If the account is in your name you have the legal right to access the information as well.

I normally fall on the side of optimism about these things but this isn't the case for me here. You really need to do some detective work if you want to find out what has been going on.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Irish, u should recover the text from your wife phone also


----------



## Archangel2

Iver said:


> I understand the OP's concern regarding his son's position is impacting his decision to notify the OM's wife.
> 
> I don't quite understand why the OM's wife would spread this around but whatever - if he thinks that's what is going to happen so be it...
> 
> I don't think talking to the OM will resolve anything since deny deny deny is taught on day one in cheaters 101 class.
> 
> Just understand it's not normal for people to install special apps on their phones if they are just doing high school flirting. I don't know if the texts are retrievable but talk to some techies and see what they say. If the account is in your name you have the legal right to access the information as well.
> 
> I normally fall on the side of optimism about these things but this isn't the case for me here. You really need to do some detective work if you want to find out what has been going on.


:iagree:

Irish - Speaking as a former youth soccer coach, chances are this coach has a son on the team. If so, speaking with his W should not run the risk of having this situation seeing the light of day. I think you need to find out whose idea it was to put Viber onto your wife's phone. From what I gather, the deleted texts can only be recovered in certain situations. Good luck.


----------



## Suspecting2014

Archangel2 said:


> Iver said:
> 
> 
> 
> I understand the OP's concern regarding his son's position is impacting his decision to notify the OM's wife.
> 
> I don't quite understand why the OM's wife would spread this around but whatever - if he thinks that's what is going to happen so be it...
> 
> I don't think talking to the OM will resolve anything since deny deny deny is taught on day one in cheaters 101 class.
> 
> Just understand it's not normal for people to install special apps on their phones if they are just doing high school flirting. I don't know if the texts are retrievable but talk to some techies and see what they say. If the account is in your name you have the legal right to access the information as well.
> 
> I normally fall on the side of optimism about these things but this isn't the case for me here. You really need to do some detective work if you want to find out what has been going on.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Irish - Speaking as a former youth soccer coach, chances are this coach has a son on the team. If so, speaking with his W should not run the risk of having this situation seeing the light of day. I think you need to find out whose idea it was to put Viber onto your wife's phone. From what I gather, the deleted texts can only be recovered in certain situations. Good luck.
Click to expand...

IMO Irish must be very careful, bc u cant ever know how OMW will react to the discovery. Maybe is not his first A and she is just desapointed, maybe they r going through D and dont care, maybe she go nuk and expose big time.

The key here is, as you said, the OMW son ( as OM didnt care for his own son) could be tainted as Irish son. If Irish plays it well, the exposure will be contained to family and closest friends.

From other angle, Irish should talk to his son fishing for what he already know, best scenario he knows nothing and Irish could minimize the problem to "small couple problems, you dont need to worry about". Of course if more than texting took place, or finds more than WW told, it will be much more diferent talk.

Any how a fishing talk with his son is a good idea, just to know how is he doing.


----------



## lordmayhem

irish72 said:


> The update is I have to think of my son and he is the most important thing in this situation, if the board learns of it everyone know if his wife learns everyone knows and my son gets labeled, I played sports and have been around kids that are labeled and it torments them. I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley. My wife and I are working through this I, told my wife that the only way I can possibly move forward is to have a sit down with the OM and talk if I don't get the responses or body language I'm looking for, it changes everything see I want my marriage to work but I'm a grown man and walking away isn't a problem.


High school texting? An EA is a bit more than that, especially if you're married. And you don't even know the whole truth yet, only what you've discovered so far. And you expect the OM to tell you the truth? Seriously?


----------



## manfromlamancha

OK, where has the OP gone now ? Whoever took him away, can you kindly return him please ?


----------



## Divinely Favored

always_hopefull said:


> OP I strongly urge you to pursue a complaint to your governing body, before this man destroys another marriage. He's a predator, pure and simple. Also take over managing until he steps aside and let's an assistant coach take over.
> 
> If your wife was so concerned with her image, she shouldn't have cheated. Yes, cheated. She had an EA (emotional affair) and she needs to find out why she stepped out on your marriage. Start by having her read "not just friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass and get her into some IC. There's something in her she needs to address, sooner the better.
> 
> I have seen this scenario play out before me a few years ago. The entire community heard all about it after a husband found out the coach was banging his wife. Your lucky you found it early before it could go to a full on PA or physical affair. I would definitely expose the affair and proof to the other mans wife, respectfully, it doesn't have to be malicious or loud enough for the rink to hear, but she should know so that she can either fight for her marriage or be complacent. But it needs to be her choice. I only wish someone had told me that my EXH was a letch, I wouldn't have wasted so many years on him. As far as everyone knowing and taking the coaches side, well that just speculation. You need to make a choice based on your conscience. Ask yourself, would you want to know? Would you like to find out a few years down the road you wife was having van EA? Or do you feel more secure in your marriage now you know what your wife is capable of and monitor this coach? I'm sure his wife feels the same.
> 
> I would also like to add that you should transfer this to the CWI forum, coping with infidelity, there are numerous people over there with some really good ideas on how to get through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise

So you are going to sacrifice your own self-respect because kids might torment your son about his mother (your lying wife)? 

The things some parents do beyond amaze me. Instead of respecting yourself and not be walked all over, you are going to try to sit down and look a man in the eye who is potentially f*cking your wife to have a talk? What is the result of this? You either will find out (1) nothing; (2) that your wife wants his d*ck; or (3) that he was in fact hooking up with her. 

I mean, look, if you feel comfortable sleeping next to a lying woman who is interested in OTHER men just so your son won't be made fun of, then by all means, go ahead. In fact, your son and his friends probably already torment each other anyways; that is what boys do.

In essence, you are using your son's reputation as an excuse to not stand up yourself.


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## abe7333

irish72 said:


> So here's the deal I've been happily married for 12 years had some ups and downs but all in all solid, we've gotting stronger in the last year or so then at any point. My wife is the manager of our sons hockey team and recently has been talking a lot with one of the coaches and I became jealous obviously they have to talk and text about team matters, recently I have been noticing her shutting off the phone a lot when I come around so me being tech savvy I would gaze and caught her password, checked a few times nothing that seemed that bad or out of line. Just didn't feel right tho, so I then proceeded to call her in it tell her I was jealous and she made me feel like nothing was happening. So I start to doubt myself and felt like I let her down by questioning her, well I finally checked 1 more time and hit the jackpot I found a newly added viber account with a lot of kissy faces and hearts a few inappropriate comments from coach, so I called her downstairs and confronted her and she started to deny it but came around said it just started it just happened like it was a high school thing, I called the coach told him I found there texts that if it didn't stop I have copies and I'll take the to his wife and family, she said she called him and told him that it was stupid she loves me and no more texting.
> I'll still be having a talk with him in person so the rest of this hockey season will be fun, NOT. I don't believe it was physical but disheartening to say the least. She has taken ownership of it knows it was stupid and dumb, and won't stop crying when it comes up continually says she loves me and will do whatever I want her to do to fix this, I love her more than life itself and want to work through it but also realize it may not be possible with my thoughts in my head, Thanks for the ears would love to hear all your thoughts.



I agree with most people here. She needs to be held accountable. 
But what did she find in that couch that she couldn't get from you? Are you making sure that all her emotional needs ae met? sometimes people look for something outside when things ar not getting fulfilled at home. Maube something you want to look at.


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## Tobyboy

irish72 said:


> The update is I have to think of my son and he is the most important thing in this situation, if the board learns of it everyone know if his wife learns everyone knows and my son gets labeled, I played sports and have been around kids that are labeled and it torments them. I'm not gonna let a little high school texting affect my son, he is already aware something is wrong , not exactly what is going on but I can tell by the way he has been acting latley. My wife and I are working through this I, told my wife that the only way I can possibly move forward is to have a sit down with the OM and talk if I don't get the responses or body language I'm looking for, it changes everything see I want my marriage to work but I'm a grown man and walking away isn't a problem.


Did you have the sit down with the coach yet?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Archangel2

OP - Any updates?


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