# New here, so here we go,



## diydude (Nov 5, 2010)

New guy here, I am currently married but have issues with my spouse. I basically have two kids holding the marriage together.(I know, typical story)
Most of my issues are, what else,...intimacy.
She doesn't seem to be interested much anymore. I am lucky to get it once a week. This has been going on for at least the last 5 years. She has had a lot of understandable issues contributing to her low drive but right now our life is basically ok.
I am the communicator, or at least the one that makes first attempt to communicate when we have problems and yes I have raised this subject with her at least once a year for the last 5 years.
She feels that she doesn't want to be touched because she feels she is to overweight after having our two kids. I have told her that doesn't matter I just want the intimacy.
She has been bigger her whole life she was never skinny per say. I happened to meet her at a point in her life when she had dropped a few pounds and looked ok to me. I fell for long blond hair a great smile and a very cheery attitude. I have always been a fit person, riding bike, lifting, etc. And I had always dated thinner more active girls, in fact she was the, dare I say, "biggest", girl I ever dated. But I continued to date her because of her personality and love of life. All my friends loved her, our sex life was great! She joined me when I rode mountain bike prettymuch every day and she kept up with me and my drive to stay or get in shape. In fact by the end of our second summer together and joining me and my excersize routine she was looking even better than when I met her. So life was great, I had my trophy girlfriend who seemed to want to be active and stay in shape like me or with me so I made plans to marry her.
16 years later here we sit wondering if we should stay married.
So my question to you all is, do I have or does any guy have the right to ask that a wife try to get back in shape or are we total pigs that should love our wives unconditionally? 
Remember now, I don't really care that she is overweight, I just want our physical relationship back to even a fraction of what it was. She says she doesn't want to be touched.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I don't know about others.

Some other women might find it offensive or wrong for you to suggest that idea.

I support you to suggest this idea. 

My husband watches what I eat. If I eat fatty food, he stops me, he takes away the fatty food. He insists me eating fruit everyday. I am really happy for what he is doing for me. It shows how much he cares about me and how much he wants me to stay sexy. Because of him, I have lost a lot of weight, even though I wasn't big before. I am size S, about 100 lbs.


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## Mulan4Peace (Oct 1, 2010)

Your wife is inconsiderate. Although she is overweight and doesn't want to be touched, she needs to understand a man's need as well. This is one of the reason husbands go out looking for other woman, can she not understand that? 

I would not be too hard on her, but would bring up hints like you just found out that your co-worker friend cheated on his wife of 12 yrs....etc.. The reason he said he cheated was because he wasn't getting it at home with his wife. Men simply wants to get intimate sometimes. See if indirect approach would wake her up. 

As a mother of 2 myself, I do admit that we do lose our sex drive. Therefore, when my husband wants to get it on. I would tell him to turn on some porn or some show to get us in the mood. When the kids are asleep, have some privacy. Not necessarily candle light, but just movie nights. Good luck. I really admire you for being patient with your wife. I think you are a good man.


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## diydude (Nov 5, 2010)

Yea I have suggested any type of outside stimuli to get her in the mood, even she admits she would try porn, maybe thats the key.
Anybody know any tastefull dvd selections, something like average guys and girls with average equipment, it seems most comercial porn is greatly endowed guys with perfect females. Not real life participants. I have checked out places like youporn etc. in search of average people videos, but the video is so choppy.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

There are debates on whether it is appropriate or not to mention this to your woman.

My advice, if you have to ask, then don't.

I have seen the most success by taking a much different appraoch.

To ignore the weight, and focus instead on the real issues.

Your woman, she is insecure with herself, and she is hesitant to open up to your sexually fully.

And yourself, if you are timid, or too much "the nice guy" in your relationship, you will make the mistake to try to "respect" her pulling away, or trying to "talk" or "communicate" with words what is going on, when instead what you need to be doing is just the opposite.

You need to express instaed with your actions and behavior, that you are on fire for your woman, and that you intend to pursue your woman, and then do this pursuing.

THe talk, negotiation, and other things, they are a waste of time.

OVercome your woman's insecurites by making her feel sexual, make her feel sexual in actions and behavior, not talking.

And then what you are looking for will happen when your woman indeeds feels sexual and feminine, then from her own drive and motivation seeks to make herself most attractive, and pursues from her own leadership the activities, better eating, better exercise, tat will produce the asthetics you both desire.

Less talk, more action, kill the insecurity, show in actions and behavior how you feel for your woman, insecurity replaced by feeling sexy, feeling sexy is motivation to look better herself.

THis way is my advice.

Also, the mention you are "lucky" to get sex. 

Learn to make your own "luck". 

Start here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


I wish you well.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Agree with BBW. Just start filling in your own life and acting like the prize instead of the contestant.


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## Glacialiceland (Nov 14, 2010)

I have to say that I disagree with half of your advice about giving clues that people in work place are cheating I think that is immature and passive aggressive, communication is key, not avoidance walking on egg shells, that will only distance a couple more, staying in shape is a journey and it takes two to tango so instead of making her feel insecure I think it would be better to approach the situation with compassionate communication with a plan to set solutions on the table like meal plans and exercise regimen at least to get in her in healthier psychological state. Kind of scared to read some of the advice given it could be very detrimental


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## CaptainPicard (Nov 10, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Agree with BBW. Just start filling in your own life and acting like the prize instead of the contestant.


I agree. Getting your wife to feel attractive is going to be a much harder task than making yourself more attractive to her.


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