# Marital unbliss



## Dumbfounded129 (Jan 18, 2021)

Hey I’m new. I have am currently struggling in my marriage or lack of a marriage. Back story, my husband I have been together going on 17 years, married for 4 of those years. Prior to us marrying both of us had infidelity. Mine was the most recent. We had a physical altercation that led to me having two broken wrists. I continue to communicate the fellow after our altercation. Why partly out of anger and spite. Because given a chance he would keep up his affairs until he saw fit to quit. He would look through my cellphone, tablets and Facebook When I finally broke things off with the guy to work things out with my then boyfriend. He still hung on to details of my affair but forgets how many times and how many women I looked over. He says one day after everything has boiled over, he wanted to get married. So we went the courthouse the next day and did it!! This was 2016- we still had our little spats over my infidelity. I could apologize until I’m blue in the face. I can admit there were things I couldn’t be honest with him about with the affair bc I didn’t want to hurt him any further. So we would have our arguments. No more would be said until months later off and on. Fast forward we had jobs that we were on different schedules. Him on 2nd and I’m on wee early mornings 600 am. So during the week it didn’t leave too much room For a lot of romance so we became more like roommates than a couple I felt it and I brought it to him and his response was well I can’t be like that with someone I can’t trust. Little did I know he had met someone at work. They forged a friendship as he says and it went from there. Well when I finally found about hert he lied about what was going on. For about two years that they were just friends. Well after this past thanksgiving I found they made plans to move out, among a lot more things.We talked for days after he said he doesn’t need to be married and he was going to leave. But yet he’s still here sleeping in the same bed but every Friday and Saturday he leaves and does not return to the next morning. No text or call and his phone is dead. He promised he was going to let the young lady go. Sooo I didn’t believe bc he is a master at hiding his affairs. So I put a tracker on my car. This weekend. I saw left straight from here to her house a stayed all night. So when he returned the next morning, I finally let him have it, he was all sweet like he hadn’t done anything. So finally I told him I didn’t trust him as to where he says he goes so I tracked it for myself. He said he felt violated and being treated like a child so now he wants to leave and get his own car. Was I wrong?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So first, it's YOUR car. Second, if HE wants a car, let HIM go out and pay for it -- he shouldn't use your money, and here is why.
YOU BOTH are not good for each other. WHY would you put up with him treating you like this? Your affairs were never dealt with -- you both sound like you swept them all under the rug, but he (and PROBABLY you) have not gotten past the cheating.
Do yourself and him a favor -- separate with the idea that you should be divorced. Why would YOU want someone who has had multiple affairs on you and now you are in the middle of one of his RIGHT NOW? 
Why would you let him sleep in the same bed?
Get your financials separated, see a lawyer (I presume/hope no children??) and get a plan to get out of this awful relationship.
Work on yourself (exercise, eat, sleep, etc.) - and do some work on WHY you allow him to disrespect you and your marriage and why YOU did the same. This should help you build your NEXT relationship to be a much better one.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Neither one of you seems to understand what a loving, committed relationship is. You'd both probably be better off without the other while you work on discovering whether you're capable of commitment, trust and charity. Why would either one of you want to get married with your history as it is, much less decide on a whim to get married?
It seems to me you both have work to do as individuals, a lot of work. 

Infidelity and violence have no part in marriage but it seems to be all you have together.


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## Dumbfounded129 (Jan 18, 2021)

jlg07 said:


> So first, it's YOUR car. Second, if HE wants a car, let HIM go out and pay for it -- he shouldn't use your money, and here is why.
> YOU BOTH are not good for each other. WHY would you put up with him treating you like this? Your affairs were never dealt with -- you both sound like you swept them all under the rug, but he (and PROBABLY you) have not gotten past the cheating.
> Do yourself and him a favor -- separate with the idea that you should be divorced. Why would YOU want someone who has had multiple affairs on you and now you are in the middle of one of his RIGHT NOW?
> Why would you let him sleep in the same bed?
> ...


I agree I didn’t make our situation better but when I would come to him and tell I’m not happy and what I was lacking he would say you should find someone else for that!!


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## Dumbfounded129 (Jan 18, 2021)

FlaviusMaximus said:


> Neither one of you seems to understand what a loving, committed relationship is. You'd both probably be better off without the other while you work on discovering whether you're capable of commitment, trust and charity. Why would either one of you want to get married with your history as it is, much less decide on a whim to get married?
> It seems to me you both have work to do as individuals, a lot of work.
> 
> Infidelity and violence have no part in marriage but it seems to be all you have together.


I couldn’t agree more. For many years I was faithful honest and only had eyes for him, but I was taken for granted for so long. Then when he had nothing to offer any one else he wanted to finally settle down with me. I became close to another man and cheated. Yes it was wrong and I can admit my flaw and my issue in the relationship but yet when it comes to him all his affairs are valid and I had no reason. No one has a valid reason to cheat. Now he feels he be better off with the woman he’s cheated with.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You know, when he said he doesn't need to be married, he is right. He has no business being married. Cheating before marriage is still cheating, but it's not like you broke any vows or had a firm commitment. Getting married in the face of all that was, I'm sure you know, not smart. 

Now what he's done is he's kept you feeling guilty about your ancient cheating before marriage in order so that he thinks you can't say anything about his cheating now. 

FFS, file divorce and kick this guy out. He's just using you and you don't have a marriage at this point. Get him out of there and do it legal and for good. Good luck.


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