# what to do ???



## sasha38 (Apr 24, 2009)

First off i'm new here. So first 0ff i'm divorced , 38, 3 kids with ex-husband .Divorced 7 years .Been together since we were 20.Ok here is my problem . We divorced because i had an affair.I chose to leave him .Not for the other guy.My ex was very mean to me .I understand why ( he cheated on me also) i just could not stand him anymore .I felt yeah i messed up but didn't deserve to be treated like crap.So i left him and the kids.He was able to support them i could not .Anyways he moved on with his life and so did i.Well 6 years later i moved back in with him and our kids.We are back together.At least trying.It has not been easy.He feels i still owe him.For the affair.He says really mean things to me about sex.He wants in 3 or 4 times a day.He has a fetish that i don't like but feel forced into doing.I'm so confused.I want to leave but i'm worried about our kids ( 15,14,9) they all ready been through our " divorce".I don't want them to go through that again.I feel like sex is a chore.I was also molested as a kid.When my ex demands sex when and what he wants i feel like i'm that little girl again.So i resent my ex about sex.Then he resents me and we fight about sex.I don't know what to do .Is sex what really makes a relationship??


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sasha38 said:


> Is sex what really makes a relationship??


For me, sex is what makes the difference between friendship and marriage. I don't even look at other women, but if my wife did not want sex I would not continue to think of her as a wife.

Having said all that, there are multiple reasons why you are not enjoying sex:
1) Your abuse memories.
2) Your resentment for your husbands behaviour.
3) Perhaps he wants it so much, you don not have very long to build up a hunger!

As far as sex with your husband goes, you need to look beyond the sex to the issues of libido, chemistry and fancy.

Do you find your husband attractive? So attractive you want to bed him? If not, this will need to be worked through.

The abuse may or may not be a big issue. A lot of people have a bit of that in their past. Some can just let it go, others need years of therapy. What seems to hamper people the most is if there was a certain amount of erotic enjoyment on the part of the victim. This can often lead to guilt manifesting during sex in later life. If this is you... you need to realise you did nothing wrong. You are guilt free.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Ok, you both cheated. I'd say that makes you even. You don't owe him anything. Especially not sex whenever he wants it. 

If he was abusive when you divorced him, and he's abusive now, then why do you stay? 

You should be able to work out a compromise. That's what communication is about. That's what relationships are, some amount of compromise for your mutual satisfaction and happiness. 

No one and no two, or even any larger group, of people are perfect except to themselves. And everyone wants what they want, rather than what someone else is willing to give.


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