# Recent Revelation



## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

I had a revelation recently. On Tuesday I was very emotional, doing a fair bit of crying. My husbands affair is still very recent, less than a month since it ended. I normally get my crying and emotions under control before he comes home from work so he doesn't see me upset and feeling hurt. Well, I just couldn't shake it and couldn't get myself together in time. We'd talked on Monday about how I was feeling and those feelings were just building up and over flowing. Well, we argued a bit, talked even more. He finally spilled his guts about something and I would never have thought of it until he said something. But, I feel a little happy about it and I feel guilty for feeling happy about it.

He said he realizes from all he's been told, not just by me, that she used him. She was using him to get money to pay for her own divorce. He thinks back to the time he was with her before, when they were right out of high school and he realizes she used him then too. He feels like a royal turd for being used like that and not seeing while in the moment she was using him. Essentially, she hurt him too. I'm happy to know that he's been hurt by someone. Kinda wish it was me that stomped on his feelings like that. Is it normal for me to be happy that he's hurting? At least I'm not the only one hurting. I doubt he's hurting nearly as much as I am. But, I'm still glad he's suffering too. Some how that makes it easier for me to cope, easier for me to have conversations with him and easier to go on in our daily lives.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I think it's normal to feel happy that he was hurt, and even happier for him to realize he was being used. The chances of him "romanticizing" the affair and feeling regret that it ended is much less that way.

It does get easier to get past the hurt feelings. Stay focused on the present.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sadara said:


> On Tuesday I was very emotional, doing a fair bit of crying. ... I normally get my crying and emotions under control before he comes home from work so he doesn't see me upset and feeling hurt.


Why?

That is not a healthy way to fix your marriage.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Sadara, I thought it was HILARIOUS when the truth about the OW's intentions came out. She was basically looking for a paycheck. I thought it was awesome that he found out every word she said to him was a lie. Every compliment she gave him was for her own good. She wanted him to leave his wife so she could get a husband who brought in a steady paycheck. It was so amusing to me that she completely fooled him and to see him have to find out that information was so right at the time.

I don't know if its a coping thing or if it just made me feel better knowing that he got played. Either way, whatever helped me get through the day then was worth it LOL.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I think for a short time, you can revel in the fact that he got his chops busted by the OW. Enjoy it for a day or so, then get back to fixing your marriage.

And don't hide the fact that you are hurt. Let him know how deeply he hurt you so he understands the seriousness of the situation.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Stop hiding your feelings from him. That doesn't do either of you any good. He needs to know how you're feeling and what you're thinking. He needs you to tell him what he can do to prove to you he can be trusted again, and what he can do to help fix your marriage now that the trust has been broken. 

As for feeling happy that the other woman used him and he now knows that...well, we're all guilty of sometimes taking pleasure in another person's pain. It doesn't make you right or wrong, it makes you human. Revel in that feeling very briefly, and then move on from it, as continuing to enjoy it will only serve to bring more pain and sadness to your marriage.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Why are you hiding your feelings from him? Why don't you feel comfortable breaking down any time you want? An affair isn't dealt with by hiding your feelings and sweeping them under the rug.
He feels like a "royal turd" for having been used like that? Why doesn't he feel like a royal turd for having gone outside his marriage? Who cares what her intentions were, his were worse. He broke his vows and for what? Why does he get a pass in all of this?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Similarly, the guy my wife had an emotional affair ended up being a total douche. He blamed her entirely, never accepted responsibility, claims he maintains his innocence that he was just being "polite", he never told his wife the whole story or the severity of it, he is a total puss and just hides from everything aside from getting his family to believe that my wife is some kinda ho bag. Anyway, we both realized the douche that he was, we were both kinda hurt since he was a good friend to both of us (but not really in the end). So it kinda makes me happy every time she gets upset at his douche-baggery and realized how dumb she was.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

My emotions are like a cup running over. Over the weekend, I had very little control over them. In my mind I wanted to stop myself from crying, but simply couldn't. He simply isn't dealing with them well, I'm not doing the blame game, but just my crying makes him defensive. We have our counseling appt today. We are going to bring it up. I've realized over the last couple of days I cannot keep my emotions tamped down. Eventually, because the hurt is so strong and deep, they come pouring out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

As they should! He has hurt you to the core, and if he isn't man enough to accept that, you have a bigger problem.

You need to take the attitude that, after what he did, at least for now he doesn't have the right to be defensive. It's that selfish attitude that led him down the wrong path in the first place. THAT is where you two need to be concentrating in counseling.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I'm sorry Sadara. Emotions get the best of all of us, and I know how you feel when you can't even cry to release all the tension and hurt without your spouse getting defensive and pissy. All I heard from my H was how I "needed to get over it already" for about two months. When I finally told him "no, what I need is for my husband, who wounded me so deeply, to comfort me instead of attack me. I am not crying because of you, I am crying for me." All the things that felt lost and hidden were slowly found after I let all my emotion out. Sometimes letting it all out helps a lot. Best of luck honey.


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## Sadara (Jul 27, 2010)

The counseling appt went well. The counselor was able to explain my emotions and what's going on to him very well. She also explained the best reaction he could have to me when my emotions are so raw.

We talked at length last night about the affair, more openly than we ever have. More than anything, he talked about what he was thinking when it was happening. He talked about his confusion, his guilt, his embarrassment at her being at our families 4th of July BBQ. He talked about his need to justify it when I did confront him, weeks before I had any evidence. It was interesting to hear the emotions he was going through at the time. We talked about how he could be involved physically with two women at the same time, he had enormous guilt about it. We talked also about the OW. We were able to talk about the real possibility that she was involved with more men than just him and her husband. He had enough information from her that he believes she was involved with other men also, likely looking for a meal ticket. He was seeing a lot of red flags with this woman. He talked about how he thinks his unresolved feelings of his past with her drew him into this situation with her again, coupled with the problems we were having, it ended up just being a bad combo that led him down the path of his affair. He's admitted that he never did get an explanation as to why she left him all those years ago. He even pointedly asked her why and she never told him, so he was left wondering still. Though now I believe he doesn't want an explanation. He's put her in the past for good now. I know based on everything he's told me that he regrets that the affair happened, he felt it was a huge mistake, he's embarrassed himself and was being used by her.

I feel like I can trust him a little bit again. Knowing how he feels about it, I feel like I can trust him just a little bit. I also feel hope that this marriage can actually work. I was working on it because I wanted it to work, but I wasn't so confident yet that it would actually work out. Now I feel like we can actually work it out.

Yesterday was a good day.


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