# Had enough, and don't know what to do Help Please



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Last night I was so done with this marriage I can't keep fighting. 

He left last night to a friends place, I texted hime saying if he doesn't want to fix this and he wants out that he needs to move out so me and the kids can start to heal. 

This morning I asked him if he got my texts he said Yes, I said so you have nothing to say ! He said I have been saying it for weeks you don't listen. Basically saying our marriage is over. I said fine then when are you moving out. He said why do I have to leave this is my home. Well this is my home too and my kids home and I'm not leaving. 

So what do I do now? He won't move out , and I'm not going to move out . So I keep living like this, the only thing it is killing me . I want more then anything to fix my marriage 

His reasons for not wanting to fix it , is because of something I did 14 years go! When I had a one night stand. I told him that was so long ago and we have been together ever since. He says he thought he could live with it now he can't. He says that is all he sees when he looks at me. I have a hard time believing this is why he wants this marriage to end. Cause it has been 14 years. 

I told him we can fix it, if he would let me in enough to show him I love him and adore him that I can make new memories with him and those bad ones will fade. He doesn't think that is possible. I asked him what do you have to lose by trying. He said everything , have no idea what he means by that! Asked him what him what he has to gain . He says a Fairytale Life. 


What in the world do I do ? I hate this I what more then anything to fix this but I can't get through to him and if he doesn't want this then he needs to move. I told him you want out then you need to leave. He said yeah that is how it works in your world not mine. 

I know one thing I'm not moving !

Please help before I seriously go nuts !


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

Force him to sit down & talk to you. Tell him you want to work on it, ask him if he is willing to try. See what his plan is for the children - that should be his 1st priority. Push him, and force him to discuss it with you. 

He wants a fairytale life - good freaking luck to him!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Is he angry with you? Does he interact with you at all?

At this point I would urge you to back away from forcing 'fixing' it down his throat ... it only seems to be alienating him more.

This is tragically common. Same happened with my ex.

You want to get his attention?

File and get a court order to have him removed. You ready to do that?

Here is something else that I will offer ...
There is no timeline.
I can remember feeling desperate, anxious, sad ... I wanted it fixed ... NOW. It made things worse.

Basically, it doesn't matter how long it takes to heal, as long as you are both agreed that is the direction you want to go. I gave up on 'hurry up and get divorced' and oddly, the entire paradigm started to shift. Everything became much more relaxed and far less toxic.

However, in your case, he keeps insisting that the marriage is 'done'. But if he isn't taking any active steps to move on ... then it can't be all that 'done' can it?

Seriously, take the focus off the 'fix'. Off of him. Put your focus elsewhere while he IS still under the same roof. Consider different ways to work on improving the dynamic of your relationship that doesn't require making any demands of him. Or, start socking money away for yourself and your future when the marriage is dissolved. 

Chasing, pleading, demanding, crying ... doesn't work. And it can be very difficult to accept that when you are the one feeling the pain.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I really don't know what to tell you, other than if you have truly "had enough", then you will get on with your life. I understand wanting to fight and save things, but sometimes after time goes by you have to really sit back and call it for what it is.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I have a different take here and I could be WAY off but is it possible that he is having an affair? He is lashing out at you for what you did many years ago but he has held it in for all these years. Perhaps he is having an exit affair and is upset with you because he feels you "caused" him to do this? Two of his comments stood out to make me think this: Him saying he would loose everything by trying and that he wants a fairy tale life. Perhaps he is saying that he has somebody on the side and if he tries to work things out with you, she will be gone and therefore his illusion of a fairy tale.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

BabyHeart, I have talked till I'm blue in the face. He doesn't listen to me and doesn't want to hear what I have to say ! 

I admit I did some wrong in the past, but I have been getting help and he sees me changing but he still doesn't want to try! As for the kids he thinks that " if we act like adults this won't effect them" Which is nothing but a big bowl of BS" 

My son is so mad at him he is 11. he sees what his dad is doing and he told me last night he is tried of seeing me cry and trying to make this work and his dad doesn't care. I told my son you need to tell him how you feel. The problem with this is my H thinks I feed him info and I don't ! He sees this happen , he hears the way his dad talks to me. He doesn't want to say to much cause he is scared his dad will be mad at him.

I'm thinking I need to do the 180 , and stop kissing his ass. He really has it made here cause I still do everything for him and he does nothing. Lately he has been getting mad at me for doing certain things for him, so I have backed off.

He really pissed me off when he changed all the bank accounts and won't give me the passwords so I can get into them


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

I think my biggest concern for you is, when he tells you he wants out, and that you don't listen. He is proving to you in many little ways and in some bigger ways what it is he is trying to tell you. I think his frustration is in the fact that he has told you in many way what he wants/doesn't want and thats why he feels you aren't listening. He has made it clear.It just seems you are fighting against air.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Is he angry with you? Does he interact with you at all?
> 
> At this point I would urge you to back away from forcing 'fixing' it down his throat ... it only seems to be alienating him more.
> 
> ...



:iagree:

The fact that he is "done" with this marriage, but is not so "done" he is willing to stay under the same roof with you, says a lot too. I would back off for a bit. In the mean time it's a good idea for you to see a divorce attorney. You need to know exactly where you stand and protect yourself financially. If he is looking for that fairytale life, he can do reckless things with the family finances.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Brennan said:


> I have a different take here and I could be WAY off but is it possible that he is having an affair? He is lashing out at you for what you did many years ago but he has held it in for all these years. Perhaps he is having an exit affair and is upset with you because he feels you "caused" him to do this? Two of his comments stood out to make me think this: Him saying he would loose everything by trying and that he wants a fairy tale life. Perhaps he is saying that he has somebody on the side and if he tries to work things out with you, she will be gone and therefore his illusion of a fairy tale.



As for as having A he was and still could be as far as I know. He was having a EA with his brothers wife. I asked him yesterday if he was still talking to her and he said he was not going to ignore her. He also said he doesn't have feelings for her , but I don't believe him. He still doesn't think he had an A he says I can call it what I want. He also said he wishes he would have cheated on me, I told him you did. Doesn't matter what you want to call it you did cheat on me. You went to your brothers wife u were calling her every morning noon and night and in between. I know he still talks to her cause when my son went there last weekend as soon as her H walked out she started asking about my H where he was and what he was doing . And she starting texting him. Then Friday night he took son to hockey and he was talking to her the whole time. And texting her. I'm about to call BIL and tell him what she is doing cause he has asked them to stop 3 times now !


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

He isn't looking for a fairytale life, he meant that in a way that if he stayed with me it would be a fairytale life cause it would not be real. He doesn't think my love for him to real cause I had a one night stand on him 14 years ago. 

I think that he is using this 14 year thing as an excuse, maybe he wants out so he can be with her. I don't know as far as I have heard OW and her H are doing good. But I know he doesn't know about her talking to my H still


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Well I talked to BIL tonight. He actually called me and had some questions. 

He wanted to know if I knew how long this was going on . All I know is from phone records. And from what I can tell she got her phone the very end of Oct and the first call she made was to my H so I'm thinking it had to be before then. When I think about it more I think it might have started in Aug when we were out at my cousins wedding. 

He asked me if I had the phone records , I told him yes ! If he was to see them it would break his heart. Cause they called each other every morning, afternoon and evening.

He asked me if I know anything about this past 2 weeks since he confronted my H. I said I don't know and I can't get into her records anymore. But I do know that talk I don't know how much, I told him my H says he won't ignore her. But he seems to be on the phone with her a lot. 

My H said he didn't have feelings for her now , he was confused. But I think he is just trying to cover his butt.

I'm just waiting for the fire to blow up, cause when H finds out that I talked to his Brother he is going to think that I'm causing drama and being a B. I won't lie for those 2, my BIL told me that it has come to the point where he is going to have to say Talk to him or move out ! And he will keep the kids, so we will see how much she wants to save her marriage.

I can almost bet a few weeks after they stop talking my H is going to start to come around. I told him tonight I have a hard time understanding how you can want to end our marriage over something that happened 14 years ago when I have been faithful to you ever since. He had no reply to that. So I'm pretty sure he is using that as an excuse to get out. And if she does decide to leave her H , it won't work with her and my H . So I will sit and wait for the flame to burn out.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Is he angry with you? Does he interact with you at all?
> 
> At this point I would urge you to back away from forcing 'fixing' it down his throat ... it only seems to be alienating him more.
> 
> ...



:iagree:
Absolutely dead on advice. I don't remember when you said that you confessed the one night stand to him..but I don't think that's the real reason he's wanting out of the marriage. I think SHE is the reason. 
As hard as it is...please try to hold it together in front of the kids. Your 11yo son knows way more than he should, and I'm not entirely convinced that he knows this just by what he's seen. That's not a criticism, btw...just an observation and a plea to stop if that is the case. This man is still his father, his same sex parent and therefore a powerful force in his life. Please do your best to not help to tarnish his view of his father, despite what his father is doing. That is in the best interest of your son, not your husband.

It seems as though you've really been on a roller coaster ride lately, and I'm so sorry for that. I so hope you can back off, ease up, and concentrate on your child(ren?) and yourself for now. Give trying to fix the marriage a rest.


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