# Unsure what to feel...



## bigb12383 (Feb 4, 2014)

This is my first post. I originally had a novel typed out but was afraid that no one would read the whole thing.
Bottom line, married since 2010, had a child in 2012, last time we had intercourse was 2011.
My relationship has hit rock bottom. I am not claiming to be a saint here, I know my previous actions caused some of this. But recently I found out my wife is talking to her ex-boyfriend. I know him, I met him, I though we got a long because a lot of my wife's friends is his family members. And a note, I have never been unfaithful to her.
After months of constant fighting, and distance, and her always on her phone, I had my suspicions. I looked at her phone and saw some pretty graphic texts from him, and when confronted, I heard about invading her privacy and that he was drunk and she was just playing. But I read the messages, I know nowhere in the text he mentioned anything about drinking. Granted she didn't say anything bad, just the fact she was leading him on.
We have not been in the best of our best. We sleep in separate rooms, she no longer wears her wedding ring (she tried wearing again, but caused sores because to small, I offered to re size at jewelers.) Her FB status no longer says in a relationship (doesn't say single and I do not have a FB account).
Our lease is up, so we need to decide what to do. I don't know if she still loves me or not, i have asked. She is a stay at home mom with a 23 month old that had a life saving transplant at 18 months.
She wants to move to a new place, but has no intentions of us. I feel that she is using me for money and a roof over her head.
I have been trying to reconcile our past differences, but she keeps her distances and tells me I am nagging her.
I know invasion to her privacy is wrong, but I am out of options. She won't talk to me, she can't be in the same room as me alone;. After reading those texts, I can log on to her FB and I see things to her ex such as "miss you" "muah" and "i can't afford my own place".
I don't like looking into her personal life. And never did for the first 7 years we been together. But as of now, it looks like I am the only one trying here. I've asked if she still loves me, or if anything is going on between her and her ex, and she ignores anything between me and her, and tells me nothing is going on, they are just friends.
I just find it hard to accept that she can't tell me what she wants. We fight everyday. She always starts it, the moment I walk through the door from work.
I try everything, but can't understand why all the hatred, yet she is interested in signing another lease together.


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## TOMTEFAR (Feb 23, 2013)

She doesn't love you anymore. If it is because of the ex or postnatal depression or if she just fel out of love with you I don't know.

She is having an EA with her ex.

Don't accept this situation. It's not gonna get any better by you trying to be nice to her.

Talk to a layer to know your options and tell her that you either go to MC and deal with your problems, that includes NC with the EX, or you want a D. Then stick to that. If she falters any of them file for D.

She is using you right now and you deserve better.

Oh, and don't sign a new longtime lease for an apartement/house.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

This relationship is DOA. Haven't had sex since 2011.... Wow. For me, that alone would be divorce/break up worthy. But now coupled with the other things. And this relationship is done. 

Also, it is physical with her ex. She ain't gettin' it from you... It's either him or another. 




Advice. Pretty standard from me. 

File for Divorce. Have her move out. Shard custody or file for sole. Hard 180. totally disconnect (this shouldn't be really hard as there is already significant intimate distance between you and her). Date and bang other women. Be a good dad. Work. Stay busy. Workout. 

Good luck.


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## UsernameHere (Sep 26, 2013)

Sorry that you are here......Not wearing the wedding ring - she's pretty much indicating she does not want to be married. It appears she checked out of this relationship in 2011.

Did she instigate the fighting and arguments? If so it appears this may have been deliberate to distance herself from you to take up with the ex. It's likely she's using this as an exit affair.

As others have sais I would seek legal advice and understand your rights in all this.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry, but this has been over for awhile. 

File.

Stop being doormat. If it is going to end, at least let it end on your terms.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

Other than your daughter, there is no reason to stay. I'd file for divorce asap.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Flood and the others are right. Your wife cannot respect you. A man who never gets laid. That alone will stand out in her mind at all levels starting from the liminal construction that communicates directly with the ovaries, vagina and breasts on up to her higher cortex reasoning department.

She is only keeping you around as a provider.

You need to read about the 180. Cheer up. You have begun the journey to a better life. There is some small chance that as you progress, your wife will see you in the distance silhouetted by the light at the end of the tunnel. At that point she may sprint to join you, all smiles and willingness to change herself, too. That is nothing that you can bet on.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

bigb12383 said:


> This is my first post. I originally had a novel typed out but was afraid that no one would read the whole thing.
> Bottom line, married since 2010, *had a child in 2012, last time we had intercourse was 2011.* 1
> My relationship has hit rock bottom. I am not claiming to be a saint here, *I know my previous actions caused some of this*.2 But recently I found out my wife is talking to her ex-boyfriend. I know him, I met him, I though we got a long because a lot of my wife's friends is his family members. And a note, I have never been unfaithful to her.
> After months of constant fighting, and distance, and *her always on her phone*3, I had my suspicions. I looked at her phone and saw some *pretty graphic texts from him*, 3and when confronted, I heard about *invading her privacy and that he was drunk and she was just playing*. 3But I read the messages, I know nowhere in the text he mentioned anything about drinking. Granted *she didn't say anything bad, just the fact she was leading him on*.3
> ...


1. Could the pregnancy and becoming a mum have had a bigger affect than anticipated? Has she seen a doctor about possible post-natal depression and if not could you get her to go? If things were good before she got pregnant this could be the reason for the changes and although there are undoubtedly other issues that need to be resolved if it is PND with the right meds and help she could snap back to her old self very quickly...worth a shot before you call it a day.

2. You didn't cheat, but what were your previous actions that may have influenced this?

3. That's an EA and she has to stop it completely immediately. Her excuses are unacceptable and you did not invade her privacy - you uncovered her secret! She's throwing it back at you to deflect from what she has done wrong. She may not have text anything 'inappropriate' back, but she didn't shut down the conversation or contact with someone being inappropriate. By not shutting it down, she is encouraging it - that's out of order and must stop, no excuses, no extenuating circumstances - no contact whatsoever with the ex. The texts prove it is inappropriate contact.

4. Just get the ring resized and tell her to put it on and change her fb status back. If she won't then she has no excuses and you know she has checked out, see a lawyer and end it. If she puts it on and changes the status back, this might not be as far gone as it feels right now. Oh, and if she's staying on fb, the ex must be blocked and access to it available to you whenever you want to see it, same for the phone.

5. She may be using you for a roof over her head, or she may be feeling very vulnerable about being a SAHM and perhaps hating every minute of it. The messages about not being able to afford to leave - they need to be addressed and they're inappropriate. If it is PND then the underlying issues here could be sorted out quite quickly and relatively easily. MC and maybe some IC too could help you but only if she is willing to try it too. If it's not PND and she won't commit to working things out properly (MC, no contact with ex, wearing the ring now it fits etc) then see a lawyer and work out the best options for you and your child.

I'm sorry you are going through this  I hope at least some of my thoughts on this are helpful, all the best.



TheFlood117 said:


> Also, it is physical with her ex. She ain't gettin' it from you... It's either him or another.


I disagree with this part of Flood's post - she isn't necessarily physical with anyone else and without evidence of that don't assume it. I'm HD in a relationship but when I'm not I have gone years without sex and without missing it. I miss the closeness of a relationship but sex outside of that is meaningless to me. She could be getting it elsewhere but she could just as easily not be. Without evidence of that, stick to the problems you know are there - you have enough to go on with without assuming even worse.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

I know what you are thinking....:
I still love her;
I dont want a divorce,
I am willing to make it work,
etc. etc. etc..........

You need to know that in order to restart, you need to first end it!

In this moment it is useless trying to be nice, understanding and willing to forgive by rugsweeping.
She needs to know that you are not willing to keep up with this crap, and you MUST be serius about it! So give her a copy of D. papers and go dark.... separate financial housing, and make a list of what must change!
Probably she will get first pxssed at you, and then be a roalercoster
of emotions, BUT YOU MUST STAY FIRM AND STRONG!
any other solutions will only delay the pain


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## SongsAboutJane (Sep 24, 2013)

I'm the last person to give guidance her as I am pretty much in the same boat. bigb12383, I'm living the exact same story. But my wife can at times show me intimacy and desire. I truly feel your pain.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

jack.c said:


> I know what you are thinking....:
> I still love her;
> I dont want a divorce,
> I am willing to make it work,
> ...


I totally agree that you would be enabling it to continue if you rugsweep and you must be firm that things change and the EA MUST stop immediately. I think serving divorce papers and going dark etc could be too far at this point though. If this could be post-natal depression and her situation as a SAHM she needs your support - it's your child too. This is your family, be careful not to do anything too harsh too soon. It may come to that, but I don't think you are there yet, although you might disagree and should do what you think is best. I just worry that you could go in too hard and if it is PND she could get herself sorted out and never forgive you for not being there for her and your child. I know that if I would never be able to forgive someone for being a part of why I am in that situation and then walking away when I need them the most. Be strong about it, be firm, but don't be absent...not yet, it's a last resort and if you do it too soon you could regret it for the rest of your life.

1. EA stops immediately and completely.
2. Work together with MC etc and IC if necessary.
3. Get her to the doctor!
4. Look at all that has changed and how that can be handled better as a team.
5. If she is unwilling to try things, unwilling to co-operate and see the dr and MC etc ... _then_ see a lawyer and decide about doing the 180.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You can either wake her up with reality or be her b!itch.

Separate bank accts and credit cards.

Go here and follow the 180 to the letter.The Healing Heart: The 180

Be calm, show no anger, do not start conversations with her. Keep your answers short. If she wants to start an argument, walk away and tell her if she cant be rational to go away. Never let her see you break down or cry, if you have to go where she can not see you. Right now, she thinks of you as a wimp and her ex as a real man, show her that's not the case.

See an attorney. Expose the affair to her family and friends. Ask them for their support.

Put him on cheaterville.com and send him the link. There is no reason for any other communication with him.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Bigb, for whatever reason, your wife has "checked out" of your marriage. From your post it doesn't really appear as though it is salvageable. I think you need to give serious thought to just running up a white flag and ending it. It should be on your terms, not hers. Contact an attorney and find out what your rights are. Start working on your financial affairs. If she's a stay-at-home, let her know what maybe happening and that she should try and find a job of some kind since you very well may no longer be around to be the provider while she's doing her EA thing. Consequences, man, consequences! It doesn't sound as though she's facing any and she's calling all the shots. The no-sex situation is ridiculous. If it's something you really miss (and what man wouldn't), she needs to understand that in the long run if she's not intimate with you, you may be moving on to someone who will be. Seems like you've allowed her to pull inside her little shell to do her own "thing" while you've been shut out. This has to stop, *or else!*


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

"Invading her privacy was wrong"...that's exactly what she wants you to think.

I've got news for you, bud. Except for maybe the bathroom, there is no "privacy" in a marriage.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

F-102 said:


> "Invading her privacy was wrong"...that's exactly what she wants you to think.
> 
> I've got news for you, bud. Except for maybe the bathroom, there is no "privacy" in a marriage.


Protecting your family is your first obligation to your family. You do what you have to do. Investigating a cheater is not even in the same universe as being a cheater.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

bigb12383 said:


> This is my first post. I originally had a novel typed out but was afraid that no one would read the whole thing.
> Bottom line, married since 2010, had a child in 2012, last time we had intercourse was 2011.
> My relationship has hit rock bottom. I am not claiming to be a saint here, I know my previous actions caused some of this. But recently I found out my* wife is talking to her ex-boyfriend*. I know him, I met him, I though we got a long because a lot of my wife's friends is his family members. And a note, I have never been unfaithful to her.
> After months of constant fighting, and distance, and her always on her phone, I had my suspicions. *I looked at her phone and **saw some pretty graphic texts from him*, and when confronted,* I heard about invading her privacy *and that he was drunk and she was just playing. But I read the messages, I know nowhere in the text he mentioned anything about drinking. Granted *she didn't say anything bad, just the fact she was leading him on.*We have not been in the best of our best. *We sleep in separate rooms, she no longer wears her wedding ring *(she tried wearing again, but caused sores because to small, I offered to re size at jewelers.) *Her FB status no longer says in a relationship* (doesn't say single and I do not have a FB account).
> ...




My God, man, how many red flags do you need to see before you end this train wreck?!!!  You don't have a marriage. I'm not sure how you'd even classify what you have here. Obviously, she's using you as her money supply while she merrily goes about doing whatever she wants, then flaunting her apathy in your face. She's checked out of your relationship permanently, and I'm sure you know this. Let her know she needs to find some kind of employment because her days of freeloading are coming to an end. And of course she is interested in signing another lease together. "Together!" What a joke. She's not doing anything "together" with you. Do whatever you need to do to get out of this miserable relationship. It's certainly doing nothing for you. Love your little girl. Always be available for her. She needs her daddy. Your "wife" doesn't need you at all except as a meal ticket.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Can you elaborate on what you mean when you say that your past actions have caused some of this? It might provide a better idea of what's going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

What did she do before she was a SAHM? That could be relevant too.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

wow. 
you've been given some excellent advice here. i hope you follow it. 
that she no longer wants to wear a wedding ring, the one that tells the world she is married to you, should tell you she doesn't want to be married any longer. 

visit a lawyer, 180 and come here for support when you need it. 
oh, and be prepared for the crying, apologizing and promising. it will most likely happen. chances are it's all BS. remember, she can't afford to move out. you are her meal ticket. 
sorry you are going thru this. I hope your little one is better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

bigb12383 said:


> she no longer wears her wedding ring (she tried wearing again, but caused sores because to small, I offered to re size at jewelers.)


I wouldn't wear a ring that was too small and caused sores either...I would be happy for it to be resized though and then I would wear it. You don't need her permission to resize it - just do it and see if she still won't wear it and sizing was an excuse or if it was a reason. Has she put on weight since pregnancy and being a SAHM? Could she be hoping to get back to the size she was and that's why she didn't jump at the chance to resize it? How did that conversation go down? Could she have felt getting it resized could be an inconvenience, an extra expense while money's tight or feel she was asking a favour/begging?

If it doesn't fit and gives her sores to wear it I don't think it can be a huge warning sign on its own. There are other warning signs too, but this is not one to read into the same way you would if the ring actually fitted.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

the signs are many, the ring is just the one i mentioned. 
i know married ppl that don't wear them. i know married ppl that don't have sex. i even know married ppl that sleep in separate beds. 
but doing all of those plus texting with an old bf tells me she's checked out. i just latched on to the symbolism of the ring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sounds like it could be PPD. How was the sex life before the pregnancy? My wife had a difficult pregnancy, advised not to have sex, took a long while to lose baby weight. Coupled with the baby having some health issues early on, sleepless nights etc. our sex life was next to nil for a 1 - 1 1/2 years. Could be depression. She needs counseling.

Depression may or may not be a factor in the texts with the dude. Put your foot down 100 % that she cut off all contact with him. This is non negotiable. Her concerns about her privacy should mean squat to you. Explicit texting with other dudes negates her expectation of privacy. Don't be wishy washy like I was early on. She needs to go cold turkey, or show her the door. That will open her eyes.

Everything is probably inter related. If she is unwilling to get help it may be time for you to make a tough decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Cool12 - you weren't the only one to mention it and I certainly wasn't having a go at you  I am the only one here not saying to leave immediately and get out and I'm just trying to give a balance of thoughts. There are definitely other warning signs and leaving might be the best option, I see a couple of other things that can be tried first - and they won't take much time or effort to try them before taking the route of 180 and D...which would be my advice too if those things were tried first and didn't work.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First and foremost, as long as she's in this EA, your marriage is dead. And from your description of some of her texts, I would lean toward a PA - particularly if she has unaccounted for time.

If you hold out any hope of salvaging the marriage there is a simple first step. You tell her in no uncertain terms that she ends contact with the OM, and sends him a no contact letter. If she refuses; implement the 180 and proceed straight to divorce. No other option for you here.

In the unlikely event that she agrees to no contact, and allows you to verify it - you have a small glimmer of hope for R, *IF* she's willing to do the rest of the heavy lifting; but I have to tell you, and I hope I'm wrong - I don't see much chance of that happening.


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## bigb12383 (Feb 4, 2014)

Thank you all for your advice and support, I really need it.
The things I have done in the past, was namely she didn't think I stuck up for her to friends and family.
My life growing up, friends and family we gave each other hell and a hard time, busting chops, but no one ever took anything serious.
Her upbringing was a more traditional one. Caring, comforting, etc.
Don't get me wrong, if a stranger said something to her, I jumped right in to protect her. But just living that life with my upbringing, when something is said to her, to me I didn't think was a big deal, to her she felt attacked.
She explained this to me, and I started to become a little more aware to the things I am used to, she isn't, and began starting to take her back.
The other thing was smoking. We were both smokers and she wanted to quit together (she did). She was so proud that I quit (for about a week), and always bragged about it. I picked up smoking again as I was not mentally ready to quit. I felt so bad that if I told her, it would crush her, so I kept it a secret. Well the secret came out and she felt betrayed and lost trust. I explained to her how I didn't want to crush her, and that I kept telling myself to stop.
I admit, I keep some truth from her. But I have never cheated, never been unfaithful. The reason I feel that I can't be truthful is, for example, one day I was home from work with my daughter while she worked. I was sick. I made a hotty toddy (hot water, honey and a little whiskey). When she came home she smelled it and asked if I was drinking alone with our daughter. I told her the truth and she was so upset. So to me, I keep it quiet and she might get mad, I tell her the truth and she'll get mad. So I hide somethings.
As for not wearing the ring, she did attempt to wear it again, and I saw the sores from it. And yes missfroggie, she has put on some extra pounds and have been working on loosing them.
I did say no intercourse since a few months into her pregnancy, but there was some foreplay here and there for the next year or so. She did have a rough birth, c-section, and a rough time healing.
I've asked if she wants to work things out, because I want to. I've asked about going to counseling, I even researched information about divorce, and sent it to her stating that we can have a clean divorce if we can basically agree upon terms up front, told her the things that I wanted. I told her that I would always be there for our daughter, and help any way I can financially. But nothing. No response to anything. That is why I doubt she will see a doctor about depression or anything.
Things this past year has not been easy for us, because of our daughter. We have constant medical appointments, medicine to give. I know it has been extremely rough on my wife. She is with my daughter dealing with it 24/7. I work 2 jobs, but always try my best to spend time and help anyway I can. I see it in my wife's eyes, the frustration, the stress, it is really weighing in on her. I am probably making excuses for her. It is just hard, I know her focus is all about our daughters well being, which is understandable, and I just feel I am putting more weight on her shoulder pushing about us and that is pushing her away more. We have our days when things go good, share a smile and laugh still.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

bigb12383 said:


> *I am probably making excuses for her.* It is just hard, I know her focus is all about our daughters well being, which is understandable, and I just feel I am putting more weight on her shoulder pushing about us and that is pushing her away more. We have our days when things go good, share a smile and laugh still.


You are making excuses for her.

OK, you have marital issues. Most married couples do. But here's the thing.* SHE IS CHEATING.* There's nothing that you describe about her, you or your marital problems that excuses that. There is no excuse for breaking her marriage vows. *NONE.* She's now crossed a line that only she can atone for.

Her cheating and how to deal with it, is what you should focus on. You've been given good advice on how to do that. If you ever get to the point where she stops contact and demonstrates remorse for what she's done; *THEN* you can focus on the marital issues.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It seems thre's nothing to save here. 
Not is she totaly rejects it. In her mind you are old news.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Even if your wife is just having an EA, she is more married to her (ex?) boyfriend than she is to you.

I seem to be the DNA guy around here. Even if you are sure your kid is yours, it would be useful to tell your wife you are going to DNA test them.

It will rock her world and demonstrate how her actions have shaken the very foundation of your marriage. It’s a dramatic way of showing what even an EA did to your marriage and your trust of her. Look at her reaction. 

Your kid is too young to know what you are doing if you decide to go ahead and test. You don’t have to tell your wife. 

Buy a kit at WalMart or look for them online. The kit costs $30 and you just rub a Q-tip on the inside of the kid’s cheek and yours. You mail the kit to a lab and pay $130 more.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Your wife is cheating on you while you pay for her living expenses. She is hoping that you'll pay for her to live somewhere else, because then she can bang her OM without worrying about money. If you won't pay, she's hoping the OM will pay. If he does, you're history. All she cares about as far as you're concerned is money. 

So cut her off. 

And stop that crap about how you're willing to support her financially after the divorce. That is going to happen anyway, because that's how divorce works. But don't grovel to her with your wallet outstretched. Hit her in the only place she cares about right now: her security. Take it away as much as possible and give her a wake-up call. File for divorce and say you want her out. See a lawyer and ask about how you can cut her off most completely. 

It's the only thing that will get her attention. You can't nice her back into your life. She already despises you for being a doormat.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*At best, it sounds greatly like she has you firmly pegged in as her "Plan B." She apparently has already checked out of your marriage and is seeking to minimize your presence there through making you initiate the separation process, then on into divorce.

She obviously, no longer has any love left for you in her heart and is showing absolutely no remorse about it.

Time for you to get to a lawyers office to explore your legal rights as well as your options.

Hate to see you here at TAM, but you've come to the right place!*


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Workin' 2 jobs, not gettin' laid.... Made you quit smoking. Doesn't like it when you have a drink- A man should be able to drink anytime he want's. Especially if your supporting her lazy jobless a$$. Wow. The entitlement of some women. Methinks the day's of the 50's and stuff was the best time to be a man and married, lol. 

Dafuq is wrong with you!?!??!

Wake the entitled little ho up. Divorce her lazy cheating a$$. 

ASAP!!!


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

bigb12383 said:


> Things this past year has not been easy for us, because of our daughter. We have constant medical appointments, medicine to give. I know it has been extremely rough on my wife. She is with my daughter dealing with it 24/7. I work 2 jobs, but always try my best to spend time and help anyway I can. I see it in my wife's eyes, the frustration, the stress, it is really weighing in on her. I am probably making excuses for her. It is just hard, I know her focus is all about our daughters well being, which is understandable, and I just feel I am putting more weight on her shoulder pushing about us and that is pushing her away more. We have our days when things go good, share a smile and laugh still.


How is it that she is with your daughter 24/7 having an "extremely rough time" and yet has the time for an affair? Think about that. You work 2 jobs to keep a roof over her head, food on the table, bills paid etc. and what little free time she can eek out from taking care of your daughter she spend focusing on another man?

Please stop making excuses and see it for what it is. She is using you for a meal ticket. She is using the "drama" of your daughter's medical issues not to get closer to you, but to get closer to the OM.

I'm so sorry for your burden. I know it has to be tough on you. But if you really want to save this marriage you need to shake things up to wake her up to what she is about to lose. All of the advice given here is spot on as she needs to "wake up and smell the bacon". She may just lose you, and she needs to really know that much.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

bigb12383 said:


> After reading those texts, I can log on to her FB and I see things to her ex such as "miss you" "muah" and "i can't afford my own place".


 See the above where it says "I can't afford my own place?"

This is where you let her know that she either pulls the rag out of her ass and starts actin more like a wife and ends this thing with the OM or you let her know that she can move in with "Miss you muah" and let her know in a way that she knows her butts in the ringer.

Either that or find a lawyer and hit her with a divorce and end this. 

One way or another, putting up with her crummy attitude has got to stop and your the only one who can do anything about it. Choice is yours.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Let me get this right. You smoke got caught. Was sick and made a potion. Your wife brings up trust and betrayal issues.

And invasion of privacy.

You need to get control of your life man.

Start the 180.

There is no privacy in marriage as far as phones, emails, FB, etc goes.

Stop acting like a whimp. That is how you sound. 

Don't engage her arguments. If you come home and she starts, you leave the house, go to the gym, go running, biking, something.

DON"T SIGN A NEW LEASE. Go month to month if you have to, but no long term lease.

File for D and mean it.

We all understand post postpartum and other mental illnesses. It is never an excuse for cheating. Can't say what your wife's issues are but her behavior is typically well within the realm of a cheating spouse and I believe that is why she is attacking you.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

what Thorburn said. Just don't forget to DNA the kid, even if she looks like your clone. Guys have been surprised before.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

IF it is postnatal depression that would explain the moodiness and snapping etc. The fact your baby was seriously unwell and almost died would add to that fear of losing her and the over-reaction to a hot toddy. As for the affair, from what you've said it is an EA not necessarily a PA and that could be a bad choice (VERY bad choice - I am NOT excusing it) of who to talk to and get an ego boost from and let off steam to. Saying she can't afford to move out might not mean she wants out of the relationship, it could be that suddenly being a SAHM with postnatal depression and stress and pressure of taking care of a small child, who is even more vulnerable than most, makes her feel trapped and want back to how it used to be rather than 'out' out.

I am not making excuses for her, I am pointing out that ALL the issues raised in this thread can be explained by postnatal depression and if that is the underlying problem she needs your help and support in getting well again. When I had postnatal depression I was like a different person. It was so weird how I would hear myself saying things I would never normally say and I'd think inside, "Why are you being such a b!tch?" but I couldn't stop the words from coming out of my mouth and couldn't find the words to put it right after I said things, so I said nothing to fix it. It was like someone else was controlling me and the weird battle of me and this other personality was inside me all the time. I've never felt anything so strange before and it was confusing and upsetting - no doubt my bf at the time was confused and upset by it too, but he recognised it as postnatal depression and once he said it I went for help. The doctor had me back to normal just with antidepressants (nothing more) within a couple of weeks. It was so weird and I really couldn't control it and get a grip. I really think you should rule that out before you make any drastic changes.


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