# In need of advice



## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

My husband I have been together for almost 4 years. He has been married twice, and I have never been married until him. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has two (one from each marriage). I have noticed a change in our relationship now that the kids are older. He prefers to do his own thing, and after we do a date night he goes straight to his computer to play his games with his buddies. I have brought up my need for more attention, but I don't receive it. When I talk to him about how I am feeling he tries to validate it, but find a fix it now solution. He said I need a hobby. I have tons of them, but I don't find joy in them anymore, because my mind continues to spin with insecurities.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Williejay1975 said:


> It might sound wrong but you might need a loving male friend (one you will never meet in person, like from Philippines from: www.*******.com).


That's the worst advice you can give to a married woman ever!

OP, Listen to this is you want your marriage to be toast!

Myself and my wife are having the same issues you are having right now, we love each other, but we are in a bit of a doldrums and I'm open to suggestions to making the spark ignite the fire of togetherness and the lust to spend time together again.

But if I catch her talking to a "Loving Male Friend" from Next Door, Cancun, Somewhere on the tropic of Cancer or Tristan da cunha for that matter, she can look forward to chatting to me through my lawyers next time.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

punkrockwife said:


> My husband I have been together for almost 4 years. He has been married twice, and I have never been married until him. I have a daughter from a previous relationship and he has two (one from each marriage). I have noticed a change in our relationship now that the kids are older. He prefers to do his own thing, and after we do a date night he goes straight to his computer to play his games with his buddies. I have brought up my need for more attention, but I don't receive it. When I talk to him about how I am feeling he tries to validate it, but find a fix it now solution. He said I need a hobby. I have tons of them, but I don't find joy in them anymore, because my mind continues to spin with insecurities.


How much time would you say you spend together? 

If you are no longer finding joy in things that you used to, you need to talk to a doctor and/or a therapist. There may be some depression (or something else medically or psychologically) going on. If so, that is something only you can fix - not him.


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## Williejay1975 (Feb 24, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> But if I catch her talking to a "Loving Male Friend" from Next Door, Cancun, Somewhere on the tropic of Cancer or Tristan da cunha for that matter, she can look forward to chatting to me through my lawyers next time.


Love is like water; we must get it; if she/he does not get it from someone then likely she/he will get it from somewhere else. Why not have a good system to do that by? Think outside the box.


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> That's the worst advice you can give to a married woman ever!
> 
> OP, Listen to this is you want your marriage to be toast!
> 
> ...


I just ignored the reply on that one. I figured it was spam. I try to talk to him, it goes good for a day or two then we are back to a cycle. I quit telling him what I need sexually and emotionally because we are in a rut. He says he feels like we are fine, but I know we aren't.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

Williejay1975 said:


> Love is like water; we must get it; if she/he does not get it from someone then likely she/he will get it from somewhere else. Why not have a good system to do that by? Think outside the box.


Yeah well no fine, Ashley Madison much there Doc?

Some of us take our vows seriously!


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> How much time would you say you spend together?
> 
> If you are no longer finding joy in things that you used to, you need to talk to a doctor and/or a therapist. There may be some depression (or something else medically or psychologically) going on. If so, that is something only you can fix - not him.


My doctors said I am fine all screenings are normal. We spend time together once a week, but not by my choice. I have tried to tell him I need more time with him, but he will do something else.


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

Williejay1975 said:


> Love is like water; we must get it; if she/he does not get it from someone then likely she/he will get it from somewhere else. Why not have a good system to do that by? Think outside the box.


I don't want someone else. Your advice is garbage.


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

punkrockwife said:


> I just ignored the reply on that one. I figured it was spam. I try to talk to him, it goes good for a day or two then we are back to a cycle. I quit telling him what I need sexually and emotionally because we are in a rut. He says he feels like we are fine, but I know we aren't.


I know the feeling, I guess I'm as much at fault as my wife. Finances, children, deadlines stresses and then where we used to wind down with each other, we kind of wind down separately now.

I don't have much advice save for the advice I can give myself. I need to come up with something that grabs our mutual attention again, together.

Maybe I should think outside the box and perhaps open up something unexpectedly spicy with my dear wife.

I think back to my childhood (stream of thought here) as a boy, I had the most fun being uninhibited and naughty. Perhaps I should invite my wife onto that playground again in an unusual manner.

Perhaps think in simpler terms and engage similarly with your husband?

Don't know as I said said, I was just spit-balling here.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

The reality is that he is twice divorced. He sounds like he is just the loner type who is really into his own thing. Or it could be that two divorces has him a bit afraid on the inside to really open up and fully enjoy the benefits of marriage.

I would strongly recommend individual and joint marriage counseling. I don't know if you are going to be able to get him to fully open up to you. He might need the marriage counselor to help him better understand why he is having trouble opening up to you.


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

Dictum Veritas said:


> I know the feeling, I guess I'm as much at fault as my wife. Finances, children, deadlines stresses and then where we used to wind down with each other, we kind of wind down separately now.
> 
> I don't have much advice save for the advice I can give myself. I need to come up with something that grabs our mutual attention again, together.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that! I know what you mean. We spend time in the same house, just not together anymore. He still makes the daily commute home phone calls, but it is usually us starting to vent about work, then it spills into when he is home. Then we are off to own worlds. I just feel as if there is no romance anymore. 

I will have to try this


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## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

punkrockwife said:


> Thank you for that! I know what you mean. We spend time in the same house, just not together anymore. He still makes the daily commute home phone calls, but it is usually us starting to vent about work, then it spills into when he is home. Then we are off to own worlds. I just feel as if there is no romance anymore.
> 
> I will have to try this


I guess that leaves me to follow my own stream of thought, I think I will try this too, thanks.


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> The reality is that he is twice divorced. He sounds like he is just the loner type who is really into his own thing. Or it could be that two divorces has him a bit afraid on the inside to really open up and fully enjoy the benefits of marriage.
> 
> I would strongly recommend individual and joint marriage counseling. I don't know if you are going to be able to get him to fully open up to you. He might need the marriage counselor to help him better understand why he is having trouble opening up to you.


The divorces were due to the wives infedelities. We used to communicate with no issues. It is new that he isn't wanting to communicate or spend more time together.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

punkrockwife said:


> Thank you for that! I know what you mean. We spend time in the same house, just not together anymore. He still makes the daily commute home phone calls, but it is usually us starting to vent about work, then it spills into when he is home. Then we are off to own worlds. I just feel as if there is no romance anymore.
> 
> I will have to try this


Do you guys travel at all or have date nights?

I buy season tickets to a dinner theater and schedule a full year in advance. This forces us to _stop_, and take a breather once every few weeks. Add to that other date nights plus vacation(s) and you could have plenty of bonding time.


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Do you guys travel at all or have date nights?
> 
> I buy season tickets to a dinner theater and schedule a full year in advance. This forces us to _stop_, and take a breather once every few weeks. Add to that other date nights plus vacation(s) and you could have plenty of bonding time.


We do a date night every other week. There was a while that my last career made it impossible so I switched something more convenient for my family.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

If you don't have any other hobbies, have you considered playing those games with him?


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## punkrockwife (8 mo ago)

Enigma32 said:


> If you don't have any other hobbies, have you considered playing those games with him?


I have considered that. I did a download last night. We had a long talk last night where I explained how I felt and he stated he had just assumed I wanted to do my own thing. Thanks for all the advice guys. We are now working on our schedules to spend more time together and making it a priority


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