# My Story....



## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

I’ve been lingering on this site for about a year now, reading everyone’s stories and trying to learn something from them to help me through my separation from my H. Ten or eleven months ago I typed up my story, but never took the time to post it. Although this is going to be long, it’s a much shorter version of just the last few years of my marriage, and maybe if anyone thinks it’s important, I’ll post the longer version. Married 25 years this past July, together for 30 years. Two daughters, 21 and 24. Never a good marriage. Should have left a long time ago. About 3 years ago, H acting odd. Suspected him of having an affair. Asked him to leave. He did. Got a call 2 days later from a man who said my H was having an affair with his W. Other man confronted my H and his W. My H agreed to leave the OW alone. Apparently continued for a number of months anyway. They worked together, so it was strictly an emotional affair. OW finally tells my H she isn’t leaving her H for him.

My H begs to come home, says he’ll go to MC. Even calls around looking for MC and sets up appointments. I let him come home. We go to weekly MC. Seems to recommit to the marriage. Do a lot of work on the house, take a couple vacations. Not great, but fairly good for a number of months. Tells me one day he has never been happier, he wishes things had always been this good between us, but the past few months I had been feeling he was just going through the motions. At the end of a work day I’d feel like I never knew who I was coming home to. Was he going to be in a good mood, was he going to be happy, was he going to be depressed? After a particularly bad weekend with him I decided I had had enough. Felt like we had been to hell and back the previous year and if he wasn’t going to put more effort into the marriage and do the simple “homework” assignments the MC gave him , then it was time, at age 50 to move on to try to find some happiness. Told him I wanted a divorce, I couldn’t do it anymore, and things moved fast after that. Agreed to do some work on the house and sell it and then go our separate ways. I started looking for a small place for myself. House sold before we even officially put it on the market, so less than 4 months after I told him I wanted a divorce, house was sold and we moved on to separate lives, about 16 months after we got back together following his affair.

Found out two or three months later that my H and the OW had started things up again about 2 weeks after we went our separate ways, and the word was that everyone was talking about it at work. OW’s H found out around the same time I did and he put an end to things again. The OW had actually been telling people that my H was paying too much attention to her and it was making her uncomfortable, but she never complained to any superiors, so most people just thought she was just trying to protect herself if they were caught again. H calls me devastated asking if I kept him on my insurance because he really needs to see a therapist. It wasn’t enough that he lost me, the house, our daughters, our dogs, the neighborhood and the old neighborhood friends. Or that he had been sleeping on a futon in his brother’s basement since our split. What finally seemed to put him over the edge was losing the OW yet again. Over the months he would send me chatty text messages. I still love you, I miss you. I hope you find some happiness, etc. Tried to be decent, letting him come to visit the dogs on occasion. Letting him come over Xmas day so he could exchange gifts with the girls (while I made myself scare up in my bedroom). Lots of really bad days myself, but trying to be a strong woman for my daughters. Lose 30 pounds. Down to 108 now. 104 at the lowest point. 

Fast forward a few months and I start hearing things from my daughters that their dad seems to be hiding something, that it’s like he has a big secret. Finally found out what it was yesterday. D21 decides to go visit her grandma (H’s mom). Grandma, not knowing it’s a secret, tells D21 that H finally bought a house. Guess where? In the town that the OW lives with her husband and kids. Apparently they’ve started things up again, and must have decided that if they can’t keep it a secret at work, then he’ll just move to her area ---quite a distance from where they work. How convenient. Now OW can tell her H she is going shopping or going to hang out with a friend, and she can just head over to H’s house and they can finally (3 years after things first started with them) have some one-on-one time by themselves.

My dilemma right now is do I contact her H to let him know? Or do I just move on with my life and forget about them? I did confront my H about him buying a house in her town. He didn’t deny it but instead texted me saying “I suppose you feel it’s your duty to tell her H?” and said he just wanted me to be happy, why couldn’t I just want the same thing for him?

We are not divorced yet. We live in Maryland and can’t file until we have been separated a year. Did not get a legal separation agreement. I did finally hire a lawyer in July, who will file in early October. It turns out that because I have been at my job for many, many years, and have great benefits that I actually have to give H a minimum of $80,000 from my retirement plan in order to settle with him. We had divvied up our other accounts, the proceeds from the sale of our house, the contents of our home, and our vehicles when we split back in October. H has been sitting on my settlement offer from my lawyer for nearly 5 weeks now, just stalling, while at the same time he has been texting me complaining about all the stresses in his life and how he is now on medication for high blood pressure. I was thinking to myself, hmmm, what stresses does he have? Work, Gold’s Gym, Crossfit, Work, Gold’s Gym, Crossfit?? I guess the stress has been trying to hide his latest fling with the OW at the same time he’s looking for a house so he can be close to her. 

I’ve heard a lot of input over the past 36 hours, from family, friends, my daughters. D21 thinks I should call the OW’s H. Everyone else says, Why? Why would you even consider it? He is out of your life. Good riddance. You don’t want him back, so what purpose does it serve? I think her H deserves to know, and let the pieces fall where they may. The OW has 3 sons. Oldest just went off to college. I think my H is expecting me to do something. I’m sure he has already warned her. Maybe he wants me to do something, hoping that the OW’s H will finally kick her to the curb. Who knows? OW’s H was kind of in denial about everything the first time. Even though he discovered the affair and told me about it, everything was my H’s fault. My H took advantage of his wife, my H did this, my H did that. Nothing was his wife’s fault. In fact, after he called me about the affair, I called his wife at work, and when he found out I had called her, he called me to basically threaten me and tell me to never contact her at work again. I didn’t, not because his threat bothered me, but just because I had no desire to listen to the OW again --- her response when I confronted her and said I didn’t know why her H wanted to work things out with her was that she was “Hot, beautiful, and everyone wanted her.” So, my H and the OW are apparently made for each other. So, why do I care, and where do I go from here? Advice?

P.S. As I was trying to figure out how to post this message, my H texted me to ask where I bought my living room sectional from. After what’s gone on over the past 36 hours. Really? Now he wants me to help him furnish his new house for the OW??? I did not respond.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

OnMyOwnat50 said:


> I’ve been lingering on this site for about a year now, reading everyone’s stories and trying to learn something from them to help me through my separation from my H. Ten or eleven months ago I typed up my story, but never took the time to post it. Although this is going to be long, it’s a much shorter version of just the last few years of my marriage, and maybe if anyone thinks it’s important, I’ll post the longer version. Married 25 years this past July, together for 30 years. Two daughters, 21 and 24. Never a good marriage. Should have left a long time ago. About 3 years ago, H acting odd. Suspected him of having an affair. Asked him to leave. He did. Got a call 2 days later from a man who said my H was having an affair with his W. Other man confronted my H and his W. My H agreed to leave the OW alone. Apparently continued for a number of months anyway. They worked together, so it was strictly an emotional affair. OW finally tells my H she isn’t leaving her H for him.
> 
> My H begs to come home, says he’ll go to MC. Even calls around looking for MC and sets up appointments. I let him come home. We go to weekly MC. Seems to recommit to the marriage. Do a lot of work on the house, take a couple vacations. Not great, but fairly good for a number of months. Tells me one day he has never been happier, he wishes things had always been this good between us, but the past few months I had been feeling he was just going through the motions. At the end of a work day I’d feel like I never knew who I was coming home to. Was he going to be in a good mood, was he going to be happy, was he going to be depressed? After a particularly bad weekend with him I decided I had had enough. Felt like we had been to hell and back the previous year and if he wasn’t going to put more effort into the marriage and do the simple “homework” assignments the MC gave him , then it was time, at age 50 to move on to try to find some happiness. Told him I wanted a divorce, I couldn’t do it anymore, and things moved fast after that. Agreed to do some work on the house and sell it and then go our separate ways. I started looking for a small place for myself. House sold before we even officially put it on the market, so less than 4 months after I told him I wanted a divorce, house was sold and we moved on to separate lives, about 16 months after we got back together following his affair.
> 
> ...


Call him and tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Tough story to read. Sorry, you're here. I would not contact the other BS. He knows his wife is a cheater. He's in denial. As for your wayward husband, don't contact him. Don't help him. He's selfish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't do it. You already know what her husband is like. It's all your husband's fault and his wife is blameless. That isn't going to change if you call.


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## soulconnection (Jul 10, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Don't do it. You already know what her husband is like. It's all your husband's fault and his wife is blameless. That isn't going to change if you call.


Blameless? Wow, really?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

The husband did catch the OW twice so he has to be aware that it benefits him to keep tabs on her.If I were you I'd just let them all deal with the coming turmoil;you've already gotten rid of the problem.Don't even look back as you head on down the road to a much happier life.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Tell him you found the sofa in the trash.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

I would report them on cheaterville and also tell the BS, he did after all tell you just report the facts and say nothing else as for your H i would go dark and do not communicate with him at all except for the divorce or children etc. He has already shown you who he is believe him.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

The husband blaming you is his inability to accept the truth. Remember he is experiencing what you are. I would tell him. If he blames you say I'm sorry and hang up. After all he did tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks everyone for your comments. I guess I should add that although I strongly feel that I should contact the BS, I am afraid of my STBX's reaction. Although D24 is against me contacting the BS, she ultimately said I should do what I feel I need to do. Her concern and mine is that he will harm himself or perhaps me. He has been violent toward me in the past, although not for over 20 years. At that time he attempted to strangle me, but then D24 (at the time 4) walked in the room and he let me go. He previously attacked me when I was in the very early stages of my 2nd pregnancy. I subsequently had a miscarriage. In the early days of our separation, I told him I was going to try to get a restraining order against him, and he then threatened to kill himself. Said he would lose his job, and then would have nothing left. He won that one and I did not get a restraining order. If he did harm himself, I don't think I could live with it.


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

So, despite the fact that most everyone told me I should drop it and not call the OW's husband, I made a few phone calls today. I had a few numbers from when their EA was first discovered nearly 3 years ago, but I didn't know what number belonged to which person. No answer at any of the numbers, but I received a couple calls back. 

The caller ID from the first call showed my H's name, apparently the landline number at his new home. But the person who called was the OW. I wasn't expecting that and I played ignorant. The OW said she was returning a call she received from my number, but said perhaps it was a wrong number. I agreed it must have been misdialed call. 

Then I received a call from the OW's H. Turns out my suspicion's were true, and he already knew my H had bought a house in the town the OW and her H live in. In fact, he told me he came back home two weeks ago after dropping their S off for his first year at college to find that the OW had packed up and moved into the house my H bought. He doesn't think my H lives there yet. Perhaps my H is waiting for our divorce to be final. Who knows? The OW is a long way away from a divorce since she has only been separated for two weeks, so I don't know what they plan in terms of living arrangements. If you can prove infidelity, then you can get a divorce in Maryland much quicker, but I don't think the OW's H will go that route. He of course wants her back. Made a comment to me that she is already finding that things aren't going the way she planned, but he wouldn't explain what he meant. He asked me a lot of questions, looking for dirt he could use against my H, but was very guarded about what information he shared.

I'm the one that asked for the divorce and I was the first to hire a lawyer and ask him to file as soon as he can (one day after we've officially lived apart for one year), so why does it hurt so bad? I guess there was a part of me that hoped he would get help with all his issues and then try to work things out with me. I stayed with him for 30 years because I loved him. I just didn't get what I needed from him in return. So, despite me knowing I did the right thing, the pain at times is unbearable and I wonder how I'm going to make it through. Just 3 months ago he was still texting me telling me he missed me and just last week still texting me about all the stress he's under. If the OW is back in his life, what is he complaining to me for? Maybe the stress is him wondering whether the OW's H is going to come after him. . .


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I am only going to comment regarding why you feel bad about your M coming to an end. First of all, no matter the sitch, most people have some sort of mourning/grief response to the end.

If you look at your posts, you are focused on him and his ho's. I strongly suggest that you start focusing on yourself. It seems like you have never dealt with that head on so even though you see your future without him, you have not prepared yourself to live it. Guess what, your future without him is here.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Thanks, Stretch. You're right. I guess I haven't. Been kind of floundering for the past couple days too. In more of a funk than I have been in a while. Dealing with the sadness my daughters feel about their dad going down this road again. Angry that he ended a conversation with D21 (in which she told him off) by saying "have a good life." Wondering why the H won't sign off on the financial settlement letter (in which I have to pay him) if he now has the OW right where he wants her. My lawyer said he can still file (24 days to go) without a response, but not sure what the delay is with my H. I guess it's just one more way for him to try to control me. I know too many people, unfortunately, go through this all the time.... the whole separation and divorce thing.... but it's so hard. Still can't wrap my head around how someone can so easily walk away from someone they were with for 30 years. Yeah, I know. I'm the one who decided to leave. I guess I wanted to believe him when he said he was going to do whatever it took to become a better man and father. In the long run I guess it was easier for him to just run after the OW again, not caring once again that he is part of destroying another family... Hope I get out of this funk soon. At least I feel better than I did yesterday.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

soulconnection said:


> Openminded said:
> 
> 
> > Don't do it. You already know what her husband is like. It's all your husband's fault and his wife is blameless. That isn't going to change if you call.
> ...


I believe that soulconnection was being sarcastic about the OW's husband's denial/attitude about the whole situation?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

OnMyOwnat50 said:


> Thanks, Stretch. You're right. I guess I haven't. Been kind of floundering for the past couple days too. In more of a funk than I have been in a while. Dealing with the sadness my daughters feel about their dad going down this road again. Angry that he ended a conversation with D21 (in which she told him off) by saying "have a good life." Wondering why the H won't sign off on the financial settlement letter (in which I have to pay him) if he now has the OW right where he wants her. My lawyer said he can still file (24 days to go) without a response, but not sure what the delay is with my H. I guess it's just one more way for him to try to control me. I know too many people, unfortunately, go through this all the time.... the whole separation and divorce thing.... but it's so hard. Still can't wrap my head around how someone can so easily walk away from someone they were with for 30 years. Yeah, I know. I'm the one who decided to leave. I guess I wanted to believe him when he said he was going to do whatever it took to become a better man and father. In the long run I guess it was easier for him to just run after the OW again, not caring once again that he is part of destroying another family... Hope I get out of this funk soon. At least I feel better than I did yesterday.


Don't sign the settlement just yet.

Claim his new house as part of the property settlement.

Then he'll discover stress.


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## OnMyOwnat50 (Jan 28, 2013)

Unfortunately I haven't been able to find any information on the house he bought, despite knowing the town and county. The OWs H even told me the date the house was purchased, but there is nothing in my H's name on that date or within a month or so of that date. Searches of the phone number yield only an approximate location. Not to mention that is I try to claim his house, then he obviously will go the one I bought nearly a year ago...


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