# Husband doesn't talk



## altaclara (Feb 6, 2014)

I'm sure this has been covered before, but, I'd really like to figure this out. I've been married 13 years and NEVER have had a deep conversation with my husband. He has no opinions about politics, religion, movies we've seen, his previous divorce, nor deep thoughts, feelings expressed about anything. If i try to talk to him about our relationship, he just says "why do you have to be such a *****" or "just go away, I'm not talking about this" I'm a very reasonable person, no tendency to fly off the handle. I don't scream or yell, belittle, hold grudges, name calling, etc.... i'm more of a calm talker, which gets me the "oh, so you think you're so perfect" response. Actually, I'm baffled. My husband wants sex, of course, but we've gotten to the land of awkwardness because there is no emotional connection due to his lack of communication. I try to ask him how he feels ("I'm ok") but I know something must be going on. He blames me for everything, but, of course, I don't take it personally, since I'm pretty realistic about what's going on. I express myself to him about my needs, but he simply blows me off. I've suggested marriage counseling, but he says no way. How can you be intimate and interested in someone who only spends his days either shopping online or showing you dumb youtube videos? I know, I picked him. We do have a very comfortable lifestyle, and I get that as long as I'm a happy go lucky person things are going well, but, I'm much deeper than he is. He wants porn sex, and I just want to take care of myself because I don't want to be uncomfortable dealing with his lack of communication skills. Any suggestions? I feel like I'm married to an emotionally retarded person (i know that's not currently pc to say, but still, it feels right)... and the problem is, we have a son that looks very highly at him and is learning to not share his feelings, which means some woman in the future is going to be as miserable as me because he'll be just as emotionally blank/bland. We can't even argue on the slightest level, because conflict makes my husband so uncomfortable. What a weird experience. Any suggestions?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I don't have any suggestions, although I do wonder what attracted you to him originally and what made you decide to make a lifelong commitment to him?

Was he different then? Or did you just overlook those particular shortcomings and/or hope that he would be different at some future time, perhaps with your guidance?

You know the old saying..

Women marry a man thinking she can change him.. men marry a woman thinking she'll never change.


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## altaclara (Feb 6, 2014)

Because we were romantically linked to a larger degree, he spoke to me more. Plus, he wanted to impress upon me that he had some ability to talk. But, I really don't remember him talking to me about personal stuff. Whenever I asked him about his kids from previous marriage, he'd usually say "I don't know" There are many dynamics going on, and I feel like if I can figure out a way to manipulate the situation (kind of like dealing with a child) I might be able to get something out of him. But, Its so painful to not have someone you can connect with and have a back and forth conversation about life's important challenges. He just seems to want to do what's fun and light and enjoyable. It's either sports or silly videos. It's not a good role model for raising a son, who gets stressed out about life and school and doesn't understand how to discuss it, since his dad just makes light of things and jokes around when heavy thoughts are on your mind.I wouldn't even know how to start looking for a marriage counselor.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Women marry a man thinking she can change him.. men marry a woman thinking she'll never change.


And they are both wrong!! ha ha


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Wow, Alta, I can actually understand where he is coming from! 

I realize you're feeling isolated and lonely, but your posts definitely come across as judgmental and arrogant, which could be why he doesn't open up to you. 

Just because he doesn't talk, though, don't think for a moment that his feelings are somehow "less." He may not be skilled at putting words to things, but it's very common for men like him to have very strong emotions - including loyalty - that you'd miss if he wasn't there for you.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Look up emotionally unavailable men. Mine is the same way. 21 years marriage and it feels like we have really never had a connection. It is like living with a brick wall. There is no conversation unless he says something about his job. He has his interests but does not include me. He will go along with my ideas but he never has any. He doesn't care to be involved in planning things or with issues concerning the kids. He leaves an awful lot for me to take care of and when I ask for help he will but never thinks to take anything on himself. It gets real old. I do not feel like I am sharing my life with him. There is so much distance between us that anymore if we go out to dinner it is pretty silent. I have gotten tired of being the one to create our relationship. 

I did read a book on emotionally available men and it pegged him. I had him read it and he saw himself but we really have not gone far beyond just identifying.


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## agreenbough (Oct 1, 2012)

I don't agree that you come across as judgmental and arrogant at all. It's one of those scenarios where he wants his needs met but refuses to meet yours. I also have a spouse that I can't talk to about anything deep, unless it's an abstract thing that doesn't concern our own relationship, and it is damn lonely. Everything is either light small talk, which is very dull to me, or an argument. As I avoid arguments, all I get is dull small talk.


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

First of all, his feelings are his, yours at yours. Don't expect him to base his on the outcome of your moods. Sometimes men don't know why we feel a certain way. 

Second, when he says things like "why do you have to bring this up, blah blah" that's manipulation. He's trying to get you to feel bad. Don't put up with it. There's several good techniques on dealing with this, I think "when I say no I feel guilty" is a great book. Read it, and stick to your guns until the real issue is presented. 

Finally, even after becoming an assertive communicator you may get to the point where no workable compromise is found. Men are often in need of direct blunt advice. The 2x4 method. Tell him directly "here is my need. If you don't meet it by doing this, I will leave". But be prepared to do it, what ever consequence you choose. 

We communicate content, not context. Be blunt. Be specific. Hold your ground.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

my husband was like this when I first met him and started dating. What drew me to him was that he was a positive person and funny. Good things, right? Well it actually started to bother me that he was happy ALL. THE. TIME. haha. But seriously, it didn't seem like he had any other emotion and it made him seem emotionally shallow. I felt I couldn't really connect with him intellectually, although he was the first person to say that he loved me and wanted to be with me forever so there was that. But we never had deep conversations. And you know what? Yes, sometimes people are just like that in their personality. But in my husband's case that began to change the longer we were together and it would come out of no where that we'd talk about something on a deeper level, usually initiated by him. And I always appreciated those times. 

I would say when you try to engage him in conversation and want it to be on a deeper level try topics that are fun yet important, like the future for example. Where does he see himself in 10 years? What does he want to do upon retirement? Travel around the world, build a dream house, move across the country? And your son, talk about him; what will he be like as a teenager/adult? etc. I bet your husband might be more apt to talk about those types of things, and it might give you the connection you're craving!


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

altaclara,How old is your husband?Does he have any friends?Were you head over heels in love with him when you married him?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

agreenbough said:


> I don't agree that you come across as judgmental and arrogant at all.


Really? Here's what stood out to me as I read Alta's posts and imagined her conversations with her husband: 



altaclara said:


> I'm sure this has been covered before, but, I'd really like to figure this out. I've been married 13 years and NEVER have had a deep conversation with my husband. He has no opinions about politics, religion, movies we've seen, his previous divorce, nor deep thoughts, feelings expressed about anything. If i try to talk to him about our relationship, he just says "why do you have to be such a *****" or "just go away, I'm not talking about this"
> 
> *I first thought that he apparently does have strong opinions sometimes, and seems resentful of her, which made me wonder why. *
> 
> ...





altaclara said:


> Because we were romantically linked to a larger degree, he spoke to me more.
> 
> * Yet he withdrew because the romantic link felt weaker to him. *
> 
> ...


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Unfortunately when it comes to emotions and words women got the 320 pack super deluxe Crayola coloring set with 128 crayons, 128 colored pencils the water color paints plus the pastel inks and a dozen brushes. 

Men got the kindergarten 8 pack of wax crayons and a #2 pencil with the eraser chewed off. 

Granted by womens standards that sounds horrible but you have to consider that for guys the majority of us are born emotionally and verbally color blind so the wax 8 pack and crappy pencil is more than sufficient for us. 

As far as us men seeing things a womans way its like sending a 1080i HD signal through an HDMI cable to our green phosphor 4 shade CRT monitor. There is a load of information you think you sent to us but to be honest we only process what we can handle and thats mostly a low resolution black and white signal.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

altaclara said:


> I've suggested marriage counseling, but he says no way.





altaclara said:


> Whenever I asked him about his kids from previous marriage, he'd usually say "I don't know"


Out of everything else you said, these two things really stick out the most. 

Some people are much more open about their feeling some people aren't. But there is no excuse at all for the above. If you are unhappy and want to work out your marriage through counseling, "no way" is not a response. Did he give you a reason for that?

And "I don't know" when you ask about his children? Are you serious? If doesn't care about his own children, why do you think he's going to care about you?

Personally, I would give up on giving him the "porn star sex" until he at leasts goes to counseling with you.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

altaclara said:


> I'm sure this has been covered before, but, I'd really like to figure this out. I've been married 13 years and NEVER have had a deep conversation with my husband. He has no opinions about politics, religion, movies we've seen, his previous divorce, nor deep thoughts, feelings expressed about anything. If i try to talk to him about our relationship, he just says "why do you have to be such a *****" or "just go away, I'm not talking about this" I'm a very reasonable person, no tendency to fly off the handle. I don't scream or yell, belittle, hold grudges, name calling, etc.... i'm more of a calm talker, which gets me the "oh, so you think you're so perfect" response. Actually, I'm baffled. My husband wants sex, of course, but we've gotten to the land of awkwardness because there is no emotional connection due to his lack of communication. I try to ask him how he feels ("I'm ok") but I know something must be going on. He blames me for everything, but, of course, I don't take it personally, since I'm pretty realistic about what's going on. I express myself to him about my needs, but he simply blows me off. I've suggested marriage counseling, but he says no way. How can you be intimate and interested in someone who only spends his days either shopping online or showing you dumb youtube videos? I know, I picked him. We do have a very comfortable lifestyle, and I get that as long as I'm a happy go lucky person things are going well, but, I'm much deeper than he is. He wants porn sex, and I just want to take care of myself because I don't want to be uncomfortable dealing with his lack of communication skills. Any suggestions? I feel like I'm married to an emotionally retarded person (i know that's not currently pc to say, but still, it feels right)... and the problem is, we have a son that looks very highly at him and is learning to not share his feelings, which means some woman in the future is going to be as miserable as me because he'll be just as emotionally blank/bland. We can't even argue on the slightest level, because conflict makes my husband so uncomfortable. What a weird experience. Any suggestions?


Been there. To a large degree, that's me. 

It was a coping mechanism, something I used to keep my dignity intact, my emotions safe, to keep from getting hurt about anything, and to keep from being vulnerable to hurt. 

I studied, practiced, refined, and honed it to an amazing level. Some of us men just don't trust emotions. Nor do we trust anyone else's. I learned to keep everything that seemed important to me totally under wraps. The more important it was, the less I spoke of it, the more I avoided talking about it and even showing interest in it. I "learned" this from my parents, who, when I was young, would immediately take over and direct and control any and every interest I had. By keeping it secret from them, I had some sense of control and had no obligation to make THEM happy over my interests. Eventually, my interests were something they never saw or heard about, just so I could keep it safe for me. I'm sure there's more to it than that, but that's the progression that I am aware of, in my life. That's my perception of things - which might be far less than the full story. 

I began to shut my wife out of all my interests, too, because she would express irritation or disapproval of some minor thing ( like spending money on something I wanted, but we probably should't), so I began to keep all those from my wife, etc, etc. 

Eventually, I was the dullest, quietest, most withdrawn and closed off person around. I drove my wife away. I responded to her anger and frustration with me by multiplying my efforts to try to make sure I didn't do anything and not touch any subject that was on the list of "don't go there" items. She complained, then, that I only talked about a very few subjects.. so I shut up about those, too. Any question from her on any of them I just tried to diffuse and avoid. Any persistence on her part and I would either be silent and sullen and ignore, or explode in anger at what seemed to be her endless prying and nagging.

I perceived all these things as conflicts. Her demanding to know what I was thinking or wanting to do was perceived by me as her trying to take it over or control it. So, I got even more practiced at avoidance. Of course, eventually I was just one mess of angry everywhere because she endlessly tried to pry into every last thing ( that's how I saw it) and it infuriated me and frustrated me to no end. Eventually I just exploded with angry at anything she asked or tried to talk about - and I was angry because I felt that she was trying to take away my autonomy. 

I still find it unbelievably difficult just to tell her I had a bad day or pretty much anything else about me. My entire being screams at me to keep my mouth shut and not provide ammunition or give her a chance to reject anything I care about. I sometimes progress... and sometimes slide back. I care about her, do things for her, go places and do things with her. But she wants to talk about what's in my head and I still trust NOBODY with what's in there. That's private and opening it up means opening it to criticism or influence or rejection, and I've honed avoiding that risk to perfection. 

It's all very destructive in so many ways. And I don't have the answer. I can't even say this is your husband. But it sounds a lot like me. Even the reactions resonate for me, at least. 

I simply don't trust anyone with my emotions or my thoughts who can hurt me because they're important to me. Strangers? Who cares what they think, they can't hurt me. The answer, I'm sure, is to learn to let myself be vulnerable to being disappointed or hurt. I'm not there yet.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> Been there. To a large degree, that's me.
> 
> It was a coping mechanism, something I used to keep my dignity intact, my emotions safe, to keep from getting hurt about anything, and to keep from being vulnerable to hurt.
> 
> ...


OldGeezer, you had an awareness at some point, was it thru counseling or something you figured out on your own. My husband would not even be able to form all these thoughts in his head. I have read about emotionally unavailable men and husband and I have been counseled on the subject. What you have said here is much what the books say, that it leads back to childhood where you felt unsafe in some situation. I husband has had a great deal of resentment for his mother and the control she had over him. Even though he adores his father it was he who had the temper in the home that you had to watch for. I have heard all kinds of stories from my husband's childhood that sound completely dysfunctional but husband still holds to the idea that he had a perfect childhood.

Have you and your wife read any book on the emotionally unavailable man? What steps have you each taken that have helped?

I would also like to ask a personal question and if you do not feel comfortable answer that is fine. In your being all to yourself and not wanting interference from your wife, did you block her out so much that you were into seeking out other women instead of your wife?

My husband (of 21 years) claimed his first love in high school hurt him and then his second wife hurt him and that was why he didn't open himself to women (when I first met him). I found out though that he cheated on his girlfriend in high school and that he was going on after work and drinking with the guys with a wife and kids at home and was not even calling to tell his wife where he was. She decided to give him a taste of his own medicine and started doing the same and he then suspected she was having an affair and without asking divorced her and filed for custody of their sons. I then found out that it was my husband that was making moves on the next door neighbor while he suspected his first wife might be having an affair. I later asked her if she was seeing someone and she was not.

Does this sound plausible to the detachment or is it possible something else going on here? My last counselor feels husband could be a high functioning asperger's. All I know is I feel I have reached the end of my rope more than once.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

AVR1962 said:


> > OldGeezer, you had an awareness at some point, was it thru counseling or something you figured out on your own.
> 
> 
> It's mostly been "figuring out on my own", but I did have insights from people here, and some insight I got from a video someone posted in one of my threads.
> ...


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

oldgeezer said:


> AVR1962 said:
> 
> 
> > It's mostly been "figuring out on my own", but I did have insights from people here, and some insight I got from a video someone posted in one of my threads.
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The best thing you can do is get your marriage back to the stage you were at when you were dating, when he WAS the way you wanted. If you do, he will ENJOY being with you and spending time with you - coming home to you and spending time with you instead of the videos will give him pleasure, and you'll get what you want, an involved husband. 

How? I suggest reading His Needs Her Needs and following the guidelines there first. Start finding ways to spend time with him that are non-confrontational (read: safe for him) - watch the 'dumb' videos while snuggling; bring out a crossword puzzle and ask him for words; stuff like that; bring him a cup of coffee in bed and lie there with him. He has to come to see you as something good, not something to be avoided.


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