# Do I tell the other man's wife?



## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

So here's the story, I've been married for 8 months (lol) and my wife has been committing one emotional affair after the next for the past 2-3 months. I have supported this woman for 3 years now, she doesn't work/clean/basically never leaves the house. Regardless, long story short she is moving out in a couple of weeks.

She has been meeting these guys playing World of Warcraft until all hours of the night (3-4am isn't out of the question), all of the guys I have confirmed do not live within 500 miles of us. This specific guy I am about to mention lives in the deep South, we live in the Midwest. 

So anyways, I see her text history on her phone and it couldn't be more graphic if she tried. They have had several sexually explicit chats about how they want to have sex with each other with "semen" running down her thighs, how she wanted to perform oral sex etc (in much more crass language). They routinely tell each other that they love one other. In fact I got home late from work last night (a 10 hour shift) and she was texting him making fun of me that they had just gotten off the phone 2 minutes before I got home and she was still flushed from their sexting. Mind you, this same job pays almost 6 figures and has been used to support her ass for 3 years now, including both her WoW subscription and her cell phone both of which are tools she uses to cheat on me.

Regardless, I looked this guy up on FB and see that he is married (for about 10 years) and they have a small child together. He has a tagline that reads "Christian, Husband, Father. In that order" ......my irony meter just exploded. I found his wife on there and have a good mind to send her a note letting her know about her "Christian Husband"

But my question is - is it truly worth it to lob a marital nuke on their marriage like he did mine? Unlike him, I actually am a Christian that values marriage and chooses to not engage in extramarital affairs, all without having to wear my Christianity on my sleeve.

I won't lie, there is at least some satisfaction I would derive from telling his wife but that feeling is empty. If the situation were me, I would hope his wife would tell me about the EA so I didn't continue life unaware of what my wife was doing on the side and could possibly seek counseling before it was too late. I'm confident it isn't physical between these two (yet), but this is certainly not a good sign for either marriage. Should I even bother to tell her, or is this something best left for her to discover on her own? I am extremely hesitant because I know they have a little boy together, and don't know that I want to have a bit part in the destruction of his happy childhood.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

HI LOSING sorry you are here. I would say yes by all means expose to omw not out of revenge
But it is the right thing to do. Only being m for 8 months I would just let her go and move on Life is to short to be with folks who do not respect you their are plenty of decent woman who would love to be treated right. Jmo 
Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Tell her. She has as much right to know as you do.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Tell her. She needs to know whats wrong with her husband and save her marriage.

What I do not understand is why you are paying for her internet/eguipment to cheat on you with.

Assuming its over with you and your wife, you have to understand that you have to have boundaries that are enforced.

Are you divorcing her? Have you talked to your pastor about it?


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My wife did almost the same thing in 2010 then in 2011 after I told her my IC told me that she would do it again and if the OM was local it would go PA and it did. Both guys were "committed Christians", family guys etc. I am an ordain part time minister who use to serve as a pastor and chaplain. I have just about lost my faith over this crap.

In every case I contacted the wife. In the last case I contacted the owner of the place the guy works at and his church.

Expose it.

File for divorce.

Sorry you are here brother.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I know it must feel so lousy, but again I`d be careful as to what to say. Heck it is just an EA and two immature, sorry individuals.

I`d say warn her and let her do what she wants with the information.

Something simple like `My wife has been playing WoW for all hours with your husband, and I suspect that they are pushing the boundaries`and maybe add `by the way, my wife and I are divorcing over her obsession with WoW amongst other issues` 

No need for the graphic info. Let her decide what to do with the information.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

tell the om wife.
cut off her phone and password the internet and cancel wow.
dont give her any extra money so she can run out and get her own phone or re-subscribe to wow.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a big YES

it's not about revenge although for some here that can be a motivating factor
and while you fear that you are destroying a marriage, it is not you that is destroying it- it was the OM and your wife that have done that already. 


1) OMW deserves to know- she is operating in a marriage without all of the facts and may even be blaming herself for the reason of it's waning existence
2) even though this doesn't apply to you, the OMW may have additional information that may be important 
3)even though you do not wish to R, exposure can lead to the OM throwing your wife under the bus in order to save himself. This often makes the WS snap out of the fog in a manner


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

My birthday is in less than two weeks for the extra bit of knife twisting, and she will be gone and staying with her dad for a few weeks who lives two hours away.

The second she is gone, I am going to an attorney and putting in a seperation order and either freezing our joint account or closing it altogether (depending on his advise). Her phone bill goes to that account and if shes not in the house, her Internet access is not my problem.

As long as she leaves peacefully and tries not to stick it to me more than she already has, I will play the role of tactiful diplomat and let her go about her business. But I am thinking its best to at least plant a bug in the OMs wife. 

Side note: she just had surgery and my deductible is $2500 that I'll be on the hook for as she walks out the door :smthumbup:


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Oh man... Better to have this stuff come out early than prolong it. (16 yrs) 
So what do you hope to accomplish with separation? Are you planning on trying to work things out and maybe get some marital counseling? I ended up thinking that I had hoped my marriage counselor would eventually let my wife at the time know her b.s. was wrong to do when your married.. call me mr. hopeful, it didnt happen that way..


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## OldGirl (Feb 20, 2012)

I'd want to know. It would hurt like hell, but I'd want to know. 

Sorry this is happening to you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

yeah, why separation, why not just file for D?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell the OMW. Your using that poor woman as a pawn. She has aright to know and you have a moral obligation to tell her. 

That's what a real man would do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

tell the OMW 

so she's moving out - you know she'll be using this opportunity to do more and likely to try and hook up don't you?

So telling the OMW is giving her the chance to stop he husband's sexting from going full physical with your wife. 

So please give the OMW that chance to try and stop her husband.

So why are you continuing to pay the WoW and phone bill for her? Cancel both today.


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

If the OMW knew about it and you didn't, wouldn't you want her to tell you?


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

Posse said:


> If the OMW knew about it and you didn't, wouldn't you want her to tell you?


buddy while ur sitting back and waiting till se leaves before you do anything. she is klining her ducks up. you dont think she is gonna vrip your monney off? you are fooling yourself...you had better get your crap together NOW...before she walks away with you oweing thousands(remember she has no job)...its time you become proactive about whats coming down...cancel everything credit cards close bank accts.moove savings...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Oh hell yes. I'd send a strippergram with the news.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> Oh hell yes. I'd send a strippergram with the news.


WTF?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

Absolutely tell. This OM probably has his W convinced he is a saint. If you can get a transcription of the text and send it to her so that her "Christian" husband cannot gaslight (lie and say you are just some deranged non-Christian Obama fan looking to cause trouble in the South, yee-haw). Seriously though, we have a moral responsibility to our "neighbors" to let them know what is happening that affects them that they may not be aware of.


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

I've never gone through these divorce proceedings, so I assumed a seperation petition had to be filed prior to a divorce petition but I will know far more when I speak to an attorney.

I have no intention of going through anything other than a divorce. Any trust between us has completely evaporated, and she herself has even said there is nothing worth saving to warrant going to marriage counseling. The last thing I want to do is sit on some couch while I am asked to analyze why my wife feels the need to have sexually explicit conversations with married men while recovering from surgery. My wife is going through a textbook emotional affair sprinkled with a dash of depression here and a tad of boredom there. Add homewrecker to her list of sins I guess

As we've only been married such a short period of time, there is next to no "community property". I bought my house, and have had it fully furnished long before I even met this woman. I'm hoping if I am civil for the next week or two and bite my tongue she won't try to burn the place to the ground.

Once she is gone, I will tell this poor woman so hopefully she can repair whatever damage my wife did to her life. 

Honestly, if my wife wants to make this an extremely difficult situation I have half a mind to post her text history on her facebook wall for her friends and family to see, I seriously doubt I would have the balls to do this, but I will not take the nuclear option off the table if she fires first


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> WTF?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



RLD is rather sardonic, you'll get used to him


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

losinghope12 said:


> I've never gone through these divorce proceedings, so I assumed a seperation petition had to be filed prior to a divorce petition but I will know far more when I speak to an attorney.



depending on the state you might even be able to get an annulment since it's under a year


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Talk to your lawyer about filing for an annulment instead of a divorce.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I think 'laconic' more than anything.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

laconically sardonic


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Talk to your lawyer about filing for an annulment instead of a divorce.


I am actually PRAYING I can get an annulment. I am not the expert but I hope I have a fairly good shot considering

a) married for less than a year

b) we got married for the purposes of having children (thank God we never did), and now we find out she cannot conceive children (I'm also an only child so I am the only chance my parents have of being grandparents)

I'd rather not have the albatross of divorce hanging over me for the rest of my life, a nice legal mulligan sounds wonderful


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

Regarding annulment:

A) good - less than year point on your side
B) Depends - if she found out she can't have kids after you married - this will not apply to an annulment - NOW is she knew you wanted kids and she knew she couldn't have them and didn't tell you - that would be grounds for annulment 
C) Each state is different - speak to an attorney ASAP
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

losinghope12 said:


> I'd rather not have the albatross of divorce hanging over me for the rest of my life, a nice legal mulligan sounds wonderful


Regardless, you'll be better off jettisoning the women. Think of the costs as the fu-king you get for the fu-king you got.


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## maddecent (Feb 27, 2012)

Take the advice of one of the above members, tell the OMW, but don't get into the details. Tell her what's going down, withholding the graphic details. That is for him to fess up to her.

And when she leaves, file for D. Separations are a waste of money if you end up D'ing anyway.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would find out what church he belongs and contact the pastor. Listen, the more folks that know the more likely that it will be nipped in the bud and not go physical. Not a guarantee but again if the OM is a "committed Christian" he will be repenting quickly, maybe not sincerely. The pastor may not confront him but many pastors that I have known and know would at least talk to someone like this about the issue and what they heard.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> I would find out what church he belongs and contact the pastor. Listen, the more folks that know the more likely that it will be nipped in the bud and not go physical. Not a guarantee but again if the OM is a "committed Christian" he will be repenting quickly, maybe not sincerely. The pastor may not confront him but many pastors that I have known and know would at least talk to someone like this about the issue and what they heard.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

His pastor needs to know this. OM is a pervert and should be watched around kids, daughters and wives.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

If you are getting an annulment or a divorce that will make your wife a free agent. By not telling the OMW you are essentially sending a predator (your wife) after his family. If the OMW has any shot at saving her family she needs this information pronto so she can break up their affair.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

losinghope12 said:


> I've been married for 8 months (lol)


Don't worry man, I have you beat. I was married 3 months when I found out about my wife's affair lol. You definitely need to tell the OMW. Without a doubt. I told the OMW and it was the best thing I did.

It absolutely sucks being here. I still think about everything everyday, but it's only been about 4 months since DDay for me and I already feel much much better than I did when I first found out. 

Definitely talk to a lawyer about an annulment. Depending on where you live, you probably have a good case to get one. I have my court date a week from today so I'm crossing my fingers too!


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

beenbetrayed said:


> Don't worry man, I have you beat. I was married 3 months when I found out about my wife's affair lol. You definitely need to tell the OMW. Without a doubt. I told the OMW and it was the best thing I did.
> 
> It absolutely sucks being here. I still think about everything everyday, but it's only been about 4 months since DDay for me and I already feel much much better than I did when I first found out.
> 
> Definitely talk to a lawyer about an annulment. Depending on where you live, you probably have a good case to get one. I have my court date a week from today so I'm crossing my fingers too!


I feel a strange connection to you, lol. 

In all seriousness, I'm sorry that you were put in the crappy situation you were put in and it is my sincere hope that you are successful in getting an annulment so you can move on and find whatever closure you can.

I am going to tell the OMW although I will feel like a weirdo stalker sending her a blind friend request through FB, but that is the only way I would know of to get in contact with her. 

Why oh WHY did I get married? This whole pathetic situation really has me jaded on the entire idea of marriage. 

/Rant: Is it even possible to maintain a monogamous relationship in this day and age? As recently as 10-15 years ago the Internet was in its infancy and not readily available, cell phones/smart phones were not common, no Facebook or other forms of social media etc. To cheat even into the 90s, I imagine it would generally be a co-worker or neighbor. I would assume a neighbor is probably also married and would be difficult to hide and a coworker would also be difficult to maintain indefinitely.

Now we can meet people online without leaving the house, FB stalk old flames and high school sweethearts, discreetly send nude pictures via text message, etc /endrant

Just me being jaded again


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

You can send a message to her without being friends on FB

Also you can likely do some research on the Internet and find her phone number


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> You can send a message to her without being friends on FB
> 
> Also you can likely do some research on the Internet and find her phone number


I checked her FB page and she must have the privacy settings ratcheted up because there is no option to send her a message directly. I'm left with a FB friend request, and hoping she will accept it - as she doesnt know me. I guess I'm off to google to find an email address or something but the name is pretty common


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Spokeo.com may help, worth the $5 to see


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

Technology may have made it easier for people to cheat, but it has also allowed it to be much easier for people to get caught cheating. My wife met the OM through work, and if it wasn't for her iphone, I may have never caught her. Man what a miserable life that would've been. I think people that have it in them to cheat will find ways to cheat with or without the help of technology.

And don't be sorry, I'm realizing everyday I'm much better off without her. Still hurts of course, but that pain is temporary.

Surround yourself with friends. Expose her to everyone, including her family if you haven't already. All of that will help a lot.

Use spokeo to try to find the OMW's number. And if that doesn't work, maybe put as your main facebook profile picture the words "(OMW's name), YOUR HUSBAND'S CHEATING ON YOU" so she adds you. hahaha. Just a thought.


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## losinghope12 (Jan 31, 2012)

Nothing, 30 minutes of stalking via Google and I have found a FB page locked down, a Twitter account, a family blog page, but no email address. She sure isn't making it easy for me to discreetly get in touch with her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Oh hell yes you tell the OMW!

Wouldn`t you want to know?

Does this idiot seriously think he can screw around with another mans wife without repercussion?

Hell yes you e-mail the OMW with as many of those nasty graphic texts as you can.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I know it must feel so lousy, but again I`d be careful as to what to say. Heck it is just an EA and two immature, sorry individuals.
> 
> I`d say warn her and let her do what she wants with the information.
> 
> ...


Why would one lie about the nature of the contact? He does not suspect they are pushing any boundaries. That could be interpreted as I think you are cute. He should tell her that they have been essentially having cybersex. And offer up an example.


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