# Can't decide whether to leave or not...



## cantdecidenow (Nov 7, 2013)

I have been married for 4 years as far as everyone knows, but was courthouse married 8 years ago (married so we could live together while I was in the Army).
We met in high school, when I became interested in her best friend and my friend gave me my future wife's AIM screen name so I could talk to her about her best friend. We talked and ended up hitting it off. We instantly got along and our personalities were great together. I didn't even ask out her best friend and instead asked her out. We went on a few dates and then went to Prom together. It was an amazing night and I was enamored with her. I played it cool and didn't try to push for Prom sex or anything. I later found out that she had gone to four other Proms that year. She said it was because she had a lot of guy friends that didn't have anyone to take. I brushed it off as a whatever. I asked her to be my girlfriend a few weeks later. That whole summer was a whirl wind of sneaking out late at night to see each other. I had sex for the first time with her, but told her it wasn't in fear that it would deem me uncool. She had told me she had sex around 5 times, which to me was no big deal. I met her parents and she met mine. We had an embarrassing event where her parents caught me in her bed sleeping with her....yeah that ended with me promising them that I loved her? Yeah it was kinda weird and totally not how I would have reacted as a parent. Maybe it is a cultural thing...her being Korean and my being white?

Anyways, it all came to an end as I left for school that fall. We broke up. I drove to school 5 states away and missed her bad. I ended up flying her to visit me for a weekend and I flew up for a weekend to visit. Maybe this was leading her on to think we were still together, but I was with another girl while away. I came back and she said she had been very depressed while I was gone and was in a very dark place. We started going out again like I had never left. She told me at this point she had dated someone else at the same time as me last summer, but it was very tame and she just held hand and kissed once. At this time I found it comical almost. Then a couple months later she tells me she is pregnant....**** my heart just fell. I want kids, but this was just way too early. So we went to Plan Parenthood and they told us it was an empty sack or something along those lines, but still needed an abortion like procedure done. Which costed a lot of money. We couldn't ask parents so she told me she had asked friends we could trust and they were John and Jim. Jim was her older brothers friend, very wealthy and she had secretly sex with him before we were together. The other friend was also wealthy and both helped out to cover the costs. This wasn't alarming to me that she had asked two guys until at the procedure when the expected date of the sex that made this happen was when I had been gone. I saw it on the sheet but it had been scratched out and changed to when I had been back... I questioned and she said they must have made a mistake. I left it at that because what else could I say? 

A few months later I joined the Army. Left for Basic and went to school in Texas. Then got stationed in Korea. She came to do a study abroad program at a University there. We ate great food drank lots of alcohol and partied away. She called me one night and said a boy in her dorms had kissed her. It was after curfew and there was nothing I could do about it. So I left it alone because she made it sound like he had kissed her. A week or two later she asked to break up with me. I asked her why and she really didn't have a reason. (She later revised it to be that I had told her about the girl from school but I had told her long before this about her) I told her that we should just ride the summer out and see how we feel the relationship is at the end of her study abroad program. We ended up having a great time the rest of the summer. 

I redeployed back to the states close to where I grew up a few months later after summer ended. So we were able to see each other again. We really loved each at this point and decided we should move in together to see if we could live together. We got courthouse married so I could live off post. We were doing great as I was home for a few months and then would be gone for a month for training. Then I got orders to Iraq. I had a birthday party send off and got piss drunk. Puked on myself and went home where she took my clothes off kindly and put me to bed. I awoke an hour later to a friend yelling at me to get up now! I was buck naked and it was kinda embarrassing, but Ryan acted like it was no big deal. She had found a number from that girl at school in my pocket as I was drunk and tried to call her earlier to tell her I was leaving for Iraq. School girl was five states away and nothing would become of it, but still this sent her into panic mode and she had drove away to freak out in her car someplace to a friend (jenn) on the phone who in-turn called her boyfriend (ryan) to come get me. Perfect... we talked it out and she says to this day that it was an overreaction on her part. We made up and I left for Iraq. She bought me a laptop for my "vacation." 

I called her religiously while deployed. Around xmas time she didn't pick up my calls for a week or two and no xmas package or card arrived. It was very depressing giving my day to day environment over there I was hoping for a pick-me-up to get in the holiday spirit! Hahaha Anyways she had no excuse. We went back to normal calling and then she said she had a horrible weekend a few months later. I asked what had happened she said she drank to much at a birthday party she held for a friend at our place. I knew something was weird, but I left it alone. A few days later she tells me that our friend, Ryan, that had taken advantage of her while she was drunk and kissed her. I was angry, but more at him. I felt that it wasn't that big of a deal, but for some reason this guys gf Jenn had posed on facebook a conversation they had on FB between Ryan and my wife. He repeatedly said that what had happened was hot and wanted to know what she thought of it. She diverted, but never said anything like I'm married (and they were of the few that knew at this point). Instead she said yeah it was hot because of the bed heater. It kinda sounded like flirting, but defend-ably innocent. I called after reading this and heard that more had happened then a kiss. He had fingered her and then she left to go to the bathroom and came back to say that it was over. He wrote me an email analogizing saying that it was a mistake and to forgive him. I was very angered a needless to say I was a dangerous person being in Iraq, but only to hurt the wrong people. I didn't talk to anybody for a few weeks. I ended up calling her and she asked if she could be there when I arrived in the states. I stupidly said yes. When I saw her again she was so beautiful it was hard to get right down to the nitty-gritty and instead we just kissed. She said she loved me and would never hurt me again. We never saw Ryan and Jenn again.

I ended up getting out of the Army and getting a job as a manager at a dead end job that I hated. We ended up having a real wedding with everyone in the know. I quit my job and went back to school. She moved to another state for a job while I finished up a quarter at my old school before transferring. There was an incident where a friend, Samantha, from Seattle visited her and they went and partied at a friends house Jake. After the trip Samantha was angry with my wife and my wife said it was because she **** blocked her from hooking up with Jake. It was weird because Samantha isn't the kind of person to act like that. I feel like something else happened, but I have no evidence and Samantha to this day barely talks to my wife. 

I moved and transferred schools. I discovered after a few months that she had hidden from me that she was 20k in credit card debit. I was furious that she had kept this from me. She said she would move out. I was like, okay and now that I moved her to go to school what would I do? We developed a plan of attack for saving, but she didn't follow it. All my GI bill money went to cover rent and bills. Whenever I ask to see how it is going she would become very angry. More deceit and lies as she bought ridiculous things we didn't need like a fish tank. She constantly would make me be the bad guy when friends invited us to events such as wine tours. I had to be the one to say we can't do it. It is my credit too. 

Sex started to become less frequent and she would give excuses like she felt bloated or she had a yeast infection that was reoccurring which was true, but it didn't last for as long as she said it did. She then started working out with a run group to train for a half marathon. She bought tons of gear for running even though we couldn't afford it. I supported her still because it felt like she was more happy. She then asked to separate for awhile. I was flabbergasted. Now that I had been using all my GI Bill money to cover rent and still had a few months left on it then it would run out and I still had a couple more quarters of school left (BTW GI Bill doesn't cover a whole degree and Army recruiters lie). She realized this was unfair and we agreed to see a Marriage Counselor.

He sucked and really just promoted talking around the issues and how they made us feel. I really tried to implement what I had learned from these sessions, but it really didn't change anything. One day we met at a bar by her work for HH with some of her co-workers. Her boss was acting awkward and every engagement with him was brief and he kept disappearing away from us. I went to the bathroom and upon returning there was some new people at the table. I introduced myself and they introduced themselves as bartenders and everyone acted like they didn't know them. My wife and I decided to leave shortly after and as we were leaving on of the those new people (bartenders) told my wife,"see you Monday." I asked her why he had said this and she said I must have heard wrong in the crowd. Nothing more I could say to that because it was loud and my hearing isn't the best from Iraq. 

A few months later we stayed in all weekend to save money. On Sunday night after I was asleep I heard her leave. She was gone for at least an hour and I awoke in the morning to have her sleeping next to me. When I asked her where she went she said she needed to walk for some air. It was really late at night and she has never done anything like this in the 10 years I have known her. I told her it was weird and she became angry. 

A month ago an old friend John, guy we borrowed money from for Planned Parenthood, visited with a few of his friends. We were at the bar and he told them he was going to dinner with another friends girlfriend that was out of town. Immediate response was that he was trying to hook up with her and he said, "no it's his buddies girl and not like that." Then a friend gave him a weird look and said "John that never stopped you before." This guys girl friend kicked him and he repeated it drunkenly, "I said that never stopped you before huh John." This guys girlfriend said his name really loud and punch him. It was really awkward at the table and someone started talking sports to change the subject. At the time I didn't think anything of it, but in retrospect it left me puzzled. I confronted my wife about it but didn't tell her exactly what was said. She said no but was really weird angered by it. Her pattern of speech was off and she said, "there is NO One else *me*!" I told her I don't believe her anymore and just can't trust her. I told her I would quit school so I could support myself and move out. She acted like she was out of breath and didn't know what to say. Honestly I have seen her scared, sad, freaked out, angry and a wide range of every emotion imaginable and have never seen that. It seemed too fabricated. She then ran out and jumped into the car. I followed her because she was acting weird and honestly I didn't know if she was suicidal after that weird reaction or if it was an act. I jumped into the car. She said she was just going to get some Pho. We went to get Pho and discussed why I felt that it would be best to separate. I think it was just that I was scared that I would have to return back home divorced, no job, no degree and no wife that had me convinced to keep her. We had sex and that was the end of that. Since then I was started to continue to notice the awkwardness of her Boss toward me though.

I guess me posting all this was to catalog my thoughts on the events and hopefully have someone read it to give me some insight. I think once I graduate in a month there will be a big turning point in my life. Forgive and forget or move on. Thanks for reading! 

PS. I wrote this really late at night pardon any run on sentences and grammar mistakes. I'm sure there are plenty.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

It does not sound like you are going to ever be able to trust her. It seems from you said she has been lieing throughout your entire relationship. I think you are probably right to think about a separation. There are other things you can do Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and put it in places you think she might be at. Put a key logger on her computer. Find out what her email password is and read those. Those are all things you can do to try to break what she is doing and try to correct this problem but in the end she has lied throughout your entire relationship. My wife lied and cheated though the ten years we were together. I finally just could not do it anymore when I found she was having another affair. You will have to decide what your limit is. 

Clay


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

Good lord, please edit in some indentation and paragraphs.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

Seriously I am sorry you are going though this. I would consider getting 100% focused on getting your life in order career, financial wise and if that means seperation or divorce then so be it. Without some stability you will lose your way as a person and be put in situations that are not in your best interest.


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