# Feeling bullied



## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

We are experiencing marital difficulty at the moment:

I work away from home(not a new thing) and my wife has been telling me not to come back home some weekends, so I do anyway as it is my home too. So I get home to an empty house on Friday with my wife arriving back late from socializing with friends. Needless to say I was a little put out as it seemed like she didn’t care if I was home. So in November I say this and it leads to a huge argument about how I make her so miserable and she goes on to completely assassinate my personality and character, telling me I am no fun compared to other people(friends I can only assume), boring and way to serious and not affectionate towards her, and when I say I will try to be more affectionate, she says I cannot change as that is who I am and if I was to change it would therefore be false. She then told me to go back to where I work after the holiday season to give her a break and time to herself and told me to go find someone else. For two months now she doesn’t want to be touched by me, especially anything sexual and if I try hold her hand she tells me find someone else’s hand to hold. This stuff really cuts me deep and the stuff she said has shattered my confidence and I am finding it very difficult to overcome and see her in the same loving light I always did. 

We tried to make it up recently but I just cannot leave the stuff she said go out of my mind and feel completely low and worthless to her if that is how she’s me. I told her this and she apologised for saying it but I know she still thinks the same about me. Because she then said that I admitted being boring and serious when she said it, but of course I did say I might be boring, serious and routine based as a personality, I am certainly not a socialite like my wife. But as an apology I did not need to be insulted again and I told her this, now we cannot even talk without serious tension and stress.
Just recently I found out she is confiding in a new friend at work (male) about our marital difficulties and he is recently divorced himself and is telling her “marriage is not good” and he is so happy now. 

Should I continue to fight and always now feel I am living hell as a second class person in her life while she goes out to find the find more fun in life, with people not boring and not serious and in the meantime I am the married one taking care of all the boring and serious stuff in our lives which is what I have done through out our marriage because I she does not.

She has such a grip on me I feel helpless and at the whim of her mercy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Gotta stop that at her mercy stuff. You need to get stronger in yourself.

Tell her to lose the other guy or you are going to file. It looks like an emotional affair.

Try not to let her words hurt you. I have said all kinds of mean things to my dh, and he just lets them roll off his back. I think he just thinks it's the anger talking, and not the real me. I do apologize later, though, when I have calmed down. Consider telling her at some point that you deserve an apology.

Give her attention. Active listening when she is talking about her feelings works really well (repeat back to her what she says, making sure you understand her). Women need attention from their men. It's like living water.

Hope some of this helps.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Thank you jld.
Yes finding the inner strength is important for my own well being.

I have developed a trust issue and need to work on that or give up before it damages me. I just find it very difficult to confront her about anything, because it always ends up being my fault. Confronting her about her new male friend which I should not know about about because she never told me, but I did found out the details, this will be a major issue. I am developing a feeling these friends are held more dearly than me. That is how its always been because I gave in very early in relationship regarding other male friends. One I am convinced she had an intimate relationship with in the past but denied it when I asked. I have trust issues now, because she hides stuff from the past which I accepted but now I see she is hiding stuff in the present with here private social life.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

There's a book called "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Buy it. Right now! 

Based on what you wrote, I have to be honest with you. It doesn't sound like your wife wants to be married anymore. While she is enjoying all the financial perks of being married she is also acting like someone who wants to be single. Going out with her friends, not wanting you to come home on weekends and engaging in an emotional affair (at the very least) with some guy. 

If my life partner was away from me days at a time I'd be counting the SECONDS until he was back home. I might meet up with some girlfriend's for lunch or early dinner during the week but never would I behave in a way your wife is behaving in; unless I was checking out of the marriage. And if I had a husband who let me walk all over him emotionally then the better it is for me. 

Stop letting your wife walk all over you. For one, it is not attractive. For two, you deserve a loving and engaged spouse. She can't respect you if you don't respect yourself enough to stick up for what is right or wrong. 

Get that book.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Thanks for your advice. I will look for that book. I agree with standing up for myself, I need to build my confidence and not keep accepting everything is my fault.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

She has told you to find someone else to meet your needs and to stay away from home. This screams "I'm having an affair or soon will be". Telling you to find some one else helps her to justify what she is doing in her mind. 

Have you asked her if she values her marriage and wishes to stay with you. My guess is she does not. If she has no intentions of treating you like her husband, and not a pet she keeps in a cage. Is move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

life&love said:


> Should I continue to fight and always now feel I am living hell as a second class person in her life while she goes out to find the find more fun in life, with people not boring and not serious and in the meantime I am the married one taking care of all the boring and serious stuff in our lives which is what I have done through out our marriage because I she does not.
> 
> She has such a grip on me I feel helpless and at the whim of her mercy.


Why would you? What do you get out of the relationship? I don't see much. She wants to be single (and almost certainly is acting like it), so is there any reason not to give her that gift?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

life&love said:


> Thank you jld.
> Yes finding the inner strength is important for my own well being.
> 
> I have developed a trust issue and need to work on that or give up before it damages me. I just find it very difficult to confront her about anything, because it always ends up being my fault. Confronting her about her new male friend which I should not know about about because she never told me, but I did found out the details, this will be a major issue. I am developing a feeling these friends are held more dearly than me. That is how its always been because I gave in very early in relationship regarding other male friends. One I am convinced she had an intimate relationship with in the past but denied it when I asked. I have trust issues now, because she hides stuff from the past which I accepted but now I see she is hiding stuff in the present with here private social life.


She's cheating on you and treating you like dirt. If you don't require people to treat you well, they won't. It's good that you at least realize that you live there and can go there if you want to, but why should you keep on going through these interactions? Why would you TRY to recover a relationship with someone who is clearly unconcerned about YOUR needs and happiness? 

There is no need to confront her. Just go home, change the locks, and start packing her stuff. Or pack your own and be done. But either way, there is no connection left between you. It's painful, it sucks, and it will be hard to recover, but guess what? It's painful and sucking now, with NO chance of recovery.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Any idea what kinds of things she does with these exciting new friends? (I mean, besides the one she's screwing).


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

life&love said:


> We are experiencing marital difficulty at the moment:
> 
> I work away from home(not a new thing) and my wife has been telling me not to come back home some weekends, so I do anyway as it is my home too. So I get home to an empty house on Friday with my wife arriving back late from socializing with friends. Needless to say I was a little put out as it seemed like she didn’t care if I was home. So in November I say this and it leads to a huge argument about how I make her so miserable and she goes on to completely assassinate my personality and character, telling me I am no fun compared to other people(friends I can only assume), boring and way to serious and not affectionate towards her, and when I say I will try to be more affectionate, she says I cannot change as that is who I am and if I was to change it would therefore be false. She then told me to go back to where I work after the holiday season to give her a break and time to herself and told me to go find someone else. For two months now she doesn’t want to be touched by me, especially anything sexual and if I try hold her hand she tells me find someone else’s hand to hold. This stuff really cuts me deep and the stuff she said has shattered my confidence and I am finding it very difficult to overcome and see her in the same loving light I always did.


It's not the one comment or disrespect but the many 100's to 1000's which take you to a low point as it strips your confidence.



life&love said:


> We tried to make it up recently but I just cannot leave the stuff she said go out of my mind and feel completely low and worthless to her if that is how she’s me. I told her this and she apologised for saying it but I know she still thinks the same about me. Because she then said that I admitted being boring and serious when she said it, but of course I did say I might be boring, serious and routine based as a personality, I am certainly not a socialite like my wife. But as an apology I did not need to be insulted again and I told her this, now we cannot even talk without serious tension and stress.


Your boring because you get things done, she can't simply find a way to connect with you that is "fun"? Everyone out in the world is so much more interesting, aha?



life&love said:


> Just recently I found out she is confiding in a new friend at work (male) about our marital difficulties and he is recently divorced himself and is telling her “marriage is not good” and he is so happy now.


Absolute wrong guy to be in her ear, how is his message going to have any positive contribution to your position?



life&love said:


> Should I continue to fight and always now feel I am living hell as a second class person in her life while she goes out to find the find more fun in life, with people not boring and not serious and in the meantime I am the married one taking care of all the boring and serious stuff in our lives which is what I have done through out our marriage because I she does not.


Less responsible, less respectful folks huh? You get all the things done which aren't fun, while she socialize and play and puts all you guys business out there for the world to judge and comment on.



life&love said:


> She has such a grip on me I feel helpless and at the whim of her mercy.


You aren't the first. They never learn until they lose it, and many still never do.

Try to open up a activity where the two of you can have unbridled, uncontrolled fun. Do it in a loud place, a unsafe place, something wild.

Race track? Dave and Busters? Bowling Alley? Skating rink? 

Do some things you don't normally do.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Thanks for all the support.
Yes in my head I really want to get out of this because I know she is not an honest person and I am going to end up back here again and again. 
She has some insecurity that she compensates for with these interactions with other men. If I socialized with other females from work she would go crazy, as she is a very insecure person, so I never have out of respect for her.
My problem now is I am so afraid of walking away, I don't know why but I feel so stressed by this. She is the only woman I have ever been with and I think that is part of my stress and inability to act.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

life&love said:


> Thanks for all the support.
> Yes in my head I really want to get out of this because I know she is not an honest person and I am going to end up back here again and again.
> She has some insecurity that she compensates for with these interactions with other men. If I socialized with other females from work she would go crazy, as she is a very insecure person, so I never have out of respect for her.
> My problem now is I am so afraid of walking away, I don't know why but I feel so stressed by this. She is the only woman I have ever been with and I think that is part of my stress and inability to act.


She was projecting to relieve her guilt.
Sorry.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You don't have a wife. You have a person you send money to. She prefers the company of other men. She won't have sex with you. She doesn't want you in the vicinity. You don't consider her an honest person, so what would be the point of keeping her? That'd be like fighting to keep cancer. You have a ring and a piece of paper. Beyond that, what evidence would there be to convict her if being a wife was a felony?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Take it from a person who has been there, done it all (I mean ALL). Divorce her cheating ass and find a keeper. This one doesn't even deserve a grieving period. She's worthless. Rise above it all. Although not always possible, you can attempt skipping some of the usual bullsh1t people with such wives have to go through. Just read through this forum and save yourself a long miserable journey by filing as soon as you can.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

life&love said:


> My problem now is I am so afraid of walking away, I don't know why but I feel so stressed by this.
> 
> *This is why. --->*She is the only woman I have ever been with and I think that is part of my stress and inability to act.
> 
> ...


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

She obviously has no compunctions about veiling her contempt for you which says that she has no respect. Right now, you need to be worried less about losing her...and more proactive about setting boundaries. Sure, she can choose whatever life she wants, but if she thinks that she can party it up, cheat on you, and spend your money like this...in complete disrespect, then she needs a rude awakening.

Right now, she believes that you aren't going to do a dang thing about it. Just be cool...don't do anything that she can use against you in court...like flipping out, beating up someone, or burning down the house. Yet with firm boundaries, you are going to let her know that you will no longer be rewarding her for her crap behavior. Lawyer up, get control of YOUR money, if you have evidence (phone history, emails, whatever) that she is being unfaithful...then start letting her family know. Tell also wife of other man. Get this exposed. I don't know much about your living, financial, or kid situation...but I would almost feel like she deserves to get the boot...she can move in with parents...either that, or start paying half of the rent/mortagage. It seems like up to this point that you have been loyal, flexible, and doing whatever you can to appease her and to keep her...but she obviously doesn't see that. People don't see their stupidity until it starts to bite them in the arse. I'm not talking about revenge...I'm talking about garnering respect. And yes, filing for D, sends out a major message..and it may be what she exactly wants...but at least it will put to an end this insanity. Just make sure that you are on the ball once it gets rolling...because a women filled with contempt think they deserve everything...so don't expect any fairness from her in court. I'm so sorry you are going through this...but yeah... read what the others recommended...because its seems like you need a bit of a paradigm shift. best of luck


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

life&love said:


> Thanks for all the support.
> Yes in my head I really want to get out of this because I know she is not an honest person and I am going to end up back here again and again.


Just not built as an "honest person", no fighting that...



life&love said:


> She has some insecurity that she compensates for with these interactions with other men. If I socialized with other females from work she would go crazy, as she is a very insecure person, so I never have out of respect for her.


You can talk with other females, keep them at ans arm length and show respect for your relationship and always put your woman first. If she see's that she will understand her position.



life&love said:


> My problem now is I am so afraid of walking away, I don't know why but I feel so stressed by this. She is the only woman I have ever been with and I think that is part of my stress and inability to act.


She is part of your stress, this being "affected" position is dis-empowering you, taking alot of your mental focus. Using your time, making you question yourself, which lowers confidence. Your less attractive in this type of position. 

You can man up and let her know she better value the relationship or you will be gone, or you can be gone and you will feel 1000 times better.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

life&love said:


> She is the only woman I have ever been with.....


I am very sorry that the first hand you were dealt was a crappy one! I would be afraid of what would be in store for me next too. 

She may have insecurity issues but those are for her to own. You cannot do enough or say enough to help with her with that. However, she's not the only one with insecurity problems. You have a boat load of your own which you need to work on and staying in this environment is not going to help. In fact, it will only hinder. 

I know that the unknown can be very scary but it can also be very rewarding. Do not be afraid to do what you HAVE TO DO to get back on track. 

Seek advice from this site. Read self help books. See a counselor if you can afford to. 

I know the prospect of being alone is scary but in a way, aren't you already by yourself? 

I'm really sorry for what you are going through.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

OK thanks for all the support. I have always been a doubting Thomas, and needed to see first had what my wife was capable of to believe she could do that with no value on our marriage or me and just put her own fun times and infidelity as a priority.

I know everyone said this screams affair affair when they read my posts the guilt trip I have suffered now for months over nothing I figure out.

So I decided to get proof to convince myself that yes she could be dishonest with me, have affairs and then give me major grief and abuse for nothing. I know people said it was her Projecting her own guilt onto me, probable, but I am not a psychologist. 

Anyway, I bought a bedside clock with a recording device and set it up in our bedroom. Took a flight back to work again.
And oh boy was that clock busy. Long story short, her new man was around that night and they were real busy in the bedroom and guess what he stays over when I am in work, in my house, my bed the works. He was asking her when I will be gone, and she said its so much bull, that I have taken a flight back home to my home town to sort out divorce papers, banking stuff etc etc. She made it all up, I am in work and she knows it. She has not mentioned the word divorce to me. So she is filling this guy with lies too to keep him around I assume. 

Anyway I cannot deny it is true now, so now I have to deal with it. I have not said a word to my wife yet, I am back in work again and need to figure out how to deal with closing the book on the marriage.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

O man, I am so sorry about all this. As you can tell by now, we don't spout what we say because we like to make someone miserable...the truth is is that we have been there and can quickly recognize the signs.

The good news is (there's good news?) is that you have come into the the truth...and now you have the leverage...at least for as long as you don't be too quick in revealing it to her.

I'll leave it up to the confrontation experts on TAM to say what your next steps should be, but many would say expose to family and file for D. Is this guy her co-worker?

I know this sounds paranoid...just watch your back. It just sounds so unsafe that she has allowed this guy in your home...and is stringing him along in lies. I would kick her out ASAP and change the friggin' locks...and install premier security system.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stay calm and think, make a plan with an lawyer and work the plan.

There is a lot to consider and every state is different when it comes to divorce, so it's important to protect your self financially .

If you have the money find out more about this guy before you confront.

And never ever cry or beg for your marriage. And never reveal your sources!

Again do not confront , but get your ducks in a row and work a plan.


She has been several steps ahead of you, so now that you have proof it's time you get several step ahead of your cheating wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

L&L trust me, I have been here way to long and read so many of threads just like yours.... Make a plan and work the plan before you confront your WW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Close the book with professional advise from a lawyer ASAP.

Financial protection should be your first concern.... So do you guys have kids?

If not then nuke this crap and cut her off to the max...

I'm talking stop all credit cards, close accounts , and turn off utilities!!!!!

If you do have kids then let's regroup
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

We do not have any kids, so at least children are not going to have to go through this mess. Its is just us. Yes I need to keep this under wraps and organise a plan, what a task.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Then cut off all money and stop utilities.....I regress call a lawyer NOW!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He'll it the week end..... At the very least shut off cable.

Seriously call the cable co..... Turn off the credit cards

When she call asking why lie... Tell her identity theft and it will take time to straighten out....

Tell her until you can get the banking and cable straightened she should come stay with you hahaha
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No kid.... Go dark, stop all communication and leave her and her boy toy in the dark, with out cable and shut off her phone!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

I am not interested in starting a war using utility services as weapons. 
It just sounds like too much bull, as its my house also, know what I mean.
Our banking is separate, except for our joint account which will be messy to sort out.
I think the guy is definitely known through work but not a direct colleague. I have no idea who he is and no name, and I get the impression her work mates and friends that I know, don't know about this, its all under the radar. 
Do I need to know the guys name to start legal proceedings?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry ... Having gone thru this crap my self I get excited.

My first reply is the most rational

Make a plan and work a plan and the first order of business is let's find out who this guy is

Do who have the money to hire a P I?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I busted my wife through text messages.... I can't imagine having to listen to or even watch the crap my wife did with OM!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Take out half the money in the joint account.

It's bad enough that you support her lover with room and board when your at work... At the very least you can close the account so you don't have pay for his booze and smokes.

Check your bank statement. You have to see we're your joint account is financing!

I can't imagine paying for sexy underware and sex toys that you have no idea about!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The disrespect going on here is not worth any war... It's deceit and betrayal should be nuked, destroyed.... Hell you have ironclad proof your wife should be scared out of her mind about exposure.

Man this stinks off beta male crap!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Life&Love, I am sorry I haven't kept up with this thread. I responded early on and then just moved on with other things.

So sorry for what you have found out. (((((Life&Love)))))

I don't know the ins and outs of filing for divorce, but I agree that it is a good idea. But I am sorry it has come to that.

I know you are hurt and angry right now, but eventually you will have to take a look at how things got this way.

L&L, I'd like to just give you some questions to consider, not to respond to here, but just, at some point, to consider in the quiet of your own heart.

L&L, were you neglectful? Did you use your personality as a defense, as in, I am boring and serious, yes, and I cannot change? Whenever your wife would bring up something she wanted to do, but wanted you to do it with her, did you say no, I don't feel like it, as though the case were closed? Knowing she is a social person, and knowing you are not as much, did you say well, that is just who I am,, do what you want, but I am not going to budge?

I think it is admirable that you provided money and took care of all "the serious stuff," but honestly, as a woman, if I were your wife, I would just expect that. Just like you probably expect sex from her. Some things are just base level expectations to some of us. It is the extra things, the things that make us feel loved and special to our partner, that bond us to him.

I am not a cheater, L&L. But I can relate to a wife feeling lonely and neglected. I did not realize a lot of this before I came to TAM. My husband is frequently gone for work, and I have just always accepted that. And I really think his hard work is for the good of the family. But when he comes home, we need to be his priority, not still his work or a hobby.

Mr. L&L, your wife has needs. They may not be just physical needs, like bread and water, but emotional needs. You don't want to find yourself with the next wife going through the same thing. You need to learn from this, however it turns out.

I am saying these hard things, because you never know, with hard work on your part, you may be able to turn things around.

First, filing. She needs a serious slap on the face, something she probably needed from you a long time ago, but you were clueless and busy with your own interests. So filing will be the slap.

You need to have a serious talk about how things are going to be very different for her financially.

You need, as one poster said, to blow this whole thing up to everyone you know. But realize, as you do this, that you are not just incriminating her. You are also revealing your own deficiencies. Be humble, L&L. Take ownership of your part of how this failed. It will only benefit you in the future.

Commit to transparency. No pride. You are going to be open and honest with yourself and everyone around you about why things went wrong. You are going to be supremely transparent with her. And you are still filing!

She may just decide to end it, too. Good riddance, and you need to learn from this before going on to the next person.

But you may knock some sense into her. And that is where you have to be careful.

If she wants to reconcile, you let her know exactly what you expect. Right down to what time you want your supper ready. And you let her know the consequences. Any more cheating and it is over, period, no discussion. Any socializing is approved by both of you. And this means sometimes you are going to have to do what you don't want to, Mr. L&L. Sometimes you are going to have to meet her needs even when it is not convenient for you.

But you cannot be disrespected like you have been. She cannot respect a man she can walk all over.

Okay, this is super long. Let me know if you have any questions. I hope something here is helpful.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Finding out who is will be a challenge, without alerting her that I know the game is up.
I only know 2 of my wife's close work contacts.
And I guess their loyalties are with my wife as they work together and I only know them through her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can you afford to hire a private detective?

Maybe your lawyer can recommend someone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Oh man, I will have to look consider that


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your wife had a choice to confront you about your job, her loneliness , and her weakness in starting up with OM.

Instead she choose the easy path of deceit and betrayal.

Sorry folks I don't subscribe to the notion that the spouses absence caused the betrayal ... We have a choice to either tolerate the abandonment or but our big girl pants on and be honorable and leave the marriage and then find someone else.

Sorry boys and girls but I can't find any reason to lie, deceive, and betray a spouse especially when the lack of respect is so great that the AP is invited into the marital home!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

the guy said:


> Your wife had a choice to confront you about your job, her loneliness , and her weakness in starting up with OM.
> 
> Instead she choose the easy path of deceit and betrayal.
> 
> ...


You're right. And she is going to lose her marriage if she does not change. And maybe even if she does. She doesn't deserve for him to keep her.

But we don't want L&L to make the same mistakes with the next woman, right?


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Thank you JLD I have read through it and honestly. I can say I never treated her bad or refused much in our marriage, emotionally yes I probably failed to deliver what she needed 'it is a lot, long story' and having the most recent information regarding the recorded evidence of the affair I would say by comparison maybe I did not deliver the same amount/action on sexual needs. We made love once or twice a week, a couple times on the weekend mostly up until recently. But compared to the stuff recorded it was tame, the recording went on for over 2 hours until 01.30 in morning and started again at 06.30 the next morning, I am also concerned for myself about the lack of protection during this affair. 

Personality wise I am a normal guy, sound level headed and see on being decent person, I am just an introvert and she is the socialite, it happens, it does not mean I am an unfriendly or unwilling person.

Thanks for your straight talk JLD, we all need to look inside ourselves from time to time. I don't think my wife does sadly.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

And that is why she is going to lose her marriage, and rightly so.

But we care about you, L&L. You are the one humble enough to come here and ask for help. I would not feel right if I were not pretty open and honest with you.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

jld,

You realize you're guilt-tripping a man whose wife is f***ing some random dude on their marital bed as we speak right?

life&love,

Divorce and do not look back. There is absolutely no reason to even remotely consider saving your marriage. It was a dead venture before you even knew about her betrayal. Now it's just something you need to sweep up and throw away. Later on, you will most likely find out about your wife's other sexual partners throughout your marriage. She's a user, abuser and will certainly find herself questioning her decisions in life as she ages. Don't stick around for that. You have a life to live.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Oh regarding exposure, I have told my sister and mother. Considering my wife's very recent behaviour which they observed, they said they were not shocked. But surprised at how she has changed recently into someone completely different regarding her comments, attitude and general regression behaving like she is trying to get back to her 20's, she is now 42 not that it makes a difference what age you are in my opinion.
I have told my family keep it quite until I figure out what to do.

I am afraid to expose this to any of her family, she only has her dad really and I think it would be very unwise for me to tell him directly I am leaving due to an affair. I know she will not want him finding out, his little angel and it wont be the first serious life changing event she will hide from him. I don't want to destroy the only real relationship she has left.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

No,no,no, L&L. *Full exposure.*You want to blow her cover with everyone, including dear old dad. Your wife needs to be known for exactly what she is -- a cheater.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Synthetic, where is the guilt trip?

I, too, am telling him to file. But let's be honest: people do things for a reason. It is not his fault that she cheated; that is 100% on her. But it can only help him *with the next woman* to know where his vulnerabilities may lie.

You want his next relationship to be better, right?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your fear of exposure will be your demise.

She will rewrite the marital history and you sir will come out of this looking like the bad guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

I understand where jld is coming from.

I believe everyone can be a better person, its human nature and if we make more effort we might get a return.

But honestly I think I was just a doormat, my mistake.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I am afraid to expose this to any of her family, she only has her dad really and I think it would be very unwise for me to tell him directly I am leaving due to an affair. I know she will not want him finding out, his little angel and it wont be the first serious life changing event she will hide from him. I don't want to destroy the only real relationship she has left.


LOL! Be a man and stop being childish.

Your father in law will never stop loving her daughter, but he needs to know how her little angel has destroyed someone else's dreams, life and heart. 

Give him the recording of his daughter f***ing the other dude on your bed and let him realize what his little cheater of an angel is capable of.

Man up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

But you don't have to stay a doormat.

You seem like a good man. But you have to give a woman boundaries. She has to know your expectations, and what the consequences will be for not meeting those expectations. Sounds crazy, but it works.

What are some expectations you could let the next woman know, along with consequences, right up front?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She is not an angel, L&L. She has been very bad, and it can only help her to have to own up to this.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jld said:


> You're right. And she is going to lose her marriage if she does not change. And maybe even if she does. She doesn't deserve for him to keep her.
> 
> But we don't want L&L to make the same mistakes with the next woman, right?


Yes
I agree
But in the same breath I want to validate the fact that this is not his fault and a choice was made to betray someone you took vows with in front of family me friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

If I file is that not exposure in itself.
I know old dad knows something is very wrong at home.
But he has no clue what it is. 
I met him for a beer last week and he was trying to get me to talk in very subtle ways, but last week I did not know what I know now, it was just suspicion.
So I was not going to tell him I thought his daughter might be cheating on me, as it was only a suspicion for me.
Anyway I must now think.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

the guy said:


> Yes
> I agree
> But in the same breath I want to validate the fact that this is not his fault and a choice was made to betray someone you took vows with in front of family me friends.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, cheating is 100% on the cheater. She pulled the trigger.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

L&L, 100% exposure. No other way.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would also like to add that the reason to make a choice to have this degree of deceit is more about disrespect then it is about a lonely wife being weak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

the guy said:


> I would also like to add that the reason to make a choice to have this degree of deceit is more about disrespect then it is about a lonely wife being weak.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Would you elaborate on that, please?


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Guys don't get too hung up on the lonely wife story. Even when I worked from home her work & friends social life was busy. But it did not concern me as I know that stuff made her happy.
By the way, I have had suspicions in the past but let them go about other guys. I never felt compelled to gather real evidence, as I always told myself I was being jealous, paranoid, I need to accept my wife has always been very friendly with other people including male colleagues.
But now looking back it is very likely this is not the first time she has went to find fun and frolics elsewhere. In addition to what was normal in or marriage.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

So sorry, L&L. I am sure it is painful to realize that.

What attracted you to her in the first place?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

life&love said:


> I understand where jld is coming from.
> 
> I believe everyone can be a better person, its human nature and if we make more effort we might get a return.
> 
> But honestly I think I was just a doormat, my mistake.


Your wife is sleeping with another man while still married and the only way she can sleep at night is to believe you are her enemy. Your wife justifies this cuz in her head you are evil.

Can you imagine if she actually though your efforts were worth a damn she would have this guy in your house 24/7 when your at work? This is of the same women you married. In her mind you are the problem. The only reason you are around is for stability and security ...she has some one else to meet her other needs.
Stop sharing you wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

She was my first girl friend Infatuation.
I was the first one to say I Love You.
Lack of experience in relationships probably let her mould the type of relationship she wanted.
She has a very strong personality which I liked at the time.
Good sense of humour.
Successful, friendly and out going socially
She is very very pretty and still is today, and I know she gets alot of attention from men always did and always will.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He is just examining his conscience, the guy. He knows his wife is responsible for her cheating 100%. But I think he realizes that how he has behaved has had some influence, too.

Do you think that cheating comes out of thin air?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

life&love said:


> She was my first girl friend Infatuation.
> I was the first one to say I Love You.
> Lack of experience in relationships probably let her mould the type of relationship she wanted.
> She has a very strong personality which I liked at the time.
> ...


Again, you sound like a great guy.

If you could do some things differently, what would you do?


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

Yes I agree the only reason she did not come clean was, she finds it convenient that I offer stability, security and look after most of life administrative and other problems.

To be fair, she is my wife, I suspected something might be going on on the 30th January and could not confirm I was sharing my wife.

On the 31st January I confirmed my wife is sharing herself.

to be contd when I get my ducks in a row.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

I am not saying it had nothing to do with me. But I believe some people are always seeking the dirty talk at the bar, possibly risky flirty behaviour, maybe the off illicit relationship, get their kicks out of that stuff, I know my wife fits that category. But always played it very safe when I was out with her. But I was not stupid enough not to know who I married. Lets put it this way, out on a party boozed up back to the lodge, the boys jump in the hot tub for more drinks, my wife will be the first girl in guaranteed when I am not there. That's not a new thing she has always been like that, she loves the attention. 

I am an average joe and not ashamed to be so, I work hard and tried to set a goal or two.

I believe my wife just is bored in our relationship and finds the risky stuff she is now doing too much for her to manage, so started to turn it round on me.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

I am not saying it had nothing to do with me. But I believe some people are always seeking the dirty talk at the bar, possibly risky flirty behaviour, maybe the off illicit relationship, get their kicks out of that stuff, I know my wife fits that category. But always played it very safe when I was out with her. But I was not stupid enough not to know who I married. Lets put it this way, out on a party boozed up back to the lodge, the boys jump in the hot tub for more drinks, my wife will be the first girl in guaranteed when I am not there. That's not a new thing she has always been like that, she loves the attention. 

I am an average joe and not ashamed to be so, I work hard and tried to set a goal or two.

I believe my wife just is bored in our relationship and finds the risky stuff she is now doing too much for her to manage, so started to turn it round on me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

life&love said:


> I am not saying it had nothing to do with me. But I believe some people are always seeking the dirty talk at the bar, possibly risky flirty behaviour, maybe the off illicit relationship, get their kicks out of that stuff, I know my wife fits that category. But always played it very safe when I was out with her. But I was not stupid enough not to know who I married. Lets put it this way, out on a party boozed up back to the lodge, the boys jump in the hot tub for more drinks, my wife will be the first girl in guaranteed when I am not there. That's not a new thing she has always been like that, she loves the attention.
> 
> I am an average joe and not ashamed to be so, I work hard and tried to set a goal or two.
> 
> I believe my wife just is bored in our relationship and finds the risky stuff she is now doing too much for her to manage, so started to turn it round on me.


I don't really get that last line. Could you explain?

What attracted her to you?

It sounds like a divorce will be a good move, and a chance for you to restart, if her character just is not a faithful one.


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## life&love (Jan 14, 2014)

The last line explained.

I think she finds the routine of married life and planning for the future boring, she is bored with me because she claimed I am too serious, boring and no fun compared to other people.

She is in a risky relationship right now and enjoys every second of it from everything I gathered. Even her conversations with the guy are the same as we used to have from the start and up until recently, but I can hear the woman I met many years ago not the one I know now, she is infatuated with this guy and I am old news.

Hiding this relationship and telling me not to come home some weekends alerted me, and then I would go home anyway because I need to get away from work. This put her under big pressure to hide the relationship that was under my nose and prevent the two guys she is playing becoming aware of what's going on.

She then laid blame on me for the way she felt, so I got the guilt trip for the last few months about how we are not compatible and all the things she said about my personality which up until then was accepted. But now I made her miserable. I even fly back from work mid week took time off, told her I want to reconcile fix the problems, she says I am too late. But really there were no serious problems, she just wanted a different life. When I tried to hold her hand, she would tell me find someone else's hand to hold.

I was slow to catch on, being the optimistic type.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I am going to pm you.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Here's the thing: there are lots of marriages with problems that can be solved with some work. Some can't. You know the main difference between a marriage that can work and one that can't? The main difference is that in some marriages people can stop making the mistakes they're making; in other marriages, the issues come up not so much from what they do but from who they are. In order for your marriage to work your wife would have to become a completely different person. She would no longer be who she is anymore. And she simply does not have the ability to do that. You can't fix who she is, either. She is who she is. 



life&love said:


> told her I want to reconcile fix the problems, she says I am too late.


Take her at her word.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jld said:


> He is just examining his conscience, the guy. He knows his wife is responsible for her cheating 100%. But I think he realizes that ho w he has behaved has had some influence, too.
> 
> Do you think that cheating comes out of thin air?


The only thin air around here is been WW ears.

Besides this women is clearly a serial cheater and found a secure guy to support her while she finds guy after guy to screw.

The women was easy before she met L&L and has been easy even after the marriage. So I think L&L's behavior had zero influence...if he was any different she would have never married him.

This is a classic case of finding a easy go luck guy to pay the bills run the house and as long as he doesn't get in the way of her screwing guys all would be good...now that L&L is getting in the way she just doesn't like it!

Whats sad is this 42 yr old women is going to be filled with regret in 15-20 years when she goes thru guy after guy. Her looks will fade and she will remember the great guy she once had that would have loved until she died.

On a good note, there is a women that would love to grow old w/ L&L and be loyal and want him for him not what he can *do* for her.


I'm curious...in the recordings does she talk crap about you or mention you at all. or do you think the OM is oblivious to you? You made mention that maybe she is also hiding you from the OM?


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