# Husband and his female friend.



## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

I can probably answer the suspicions I'm about to imply...But I just need to hear it from someone else.

Back history..My husband and I have been married for 32 years and our marriage has been a good one. Three grown children, In our 50's, yet look like we are in our 30's.

The issue. Husbands female friend. She's our same age bracket, divorced for many years, grown children, lives alone with her 4 dogs. My husband met her 5 years ago on a construction project.
He is a Contractor and part of the team that helped construct her remodel on a investment property. I had met her at that time and didn't think anything of the friendship because it seemed to be only business related. Field trips to the lumber yard and so forth so on...you get the drift. Well to this day they are still friends and now that I view the state of things..I'm not liking it.
About 8 months ago we lost our home in a fire and she was right there helping. she offered her home for a place to park our RV to stay in, while waiting for our home to be rebuilt. Sounded great at the time. Soon found out she was a control freak and included herself in our lives. My husband told me not to think anything of her behavior, she was just lonely and needed companionship. so I overlooked all that thinking maybe he was right. But what happened next i can not over look. since we left her home 7 months ago she calls at least 10 times a day wanting to know his where abouts and a play by play update of his day., texts about just as many times. New coworkers of my husbands think he's married to her. Old friends think that he's in a full blown affair with her. I don't think he's in a physical relationship with her YET, but I do believe it's an emotional one.
I have confronted him with my concerns telling him I think it's disrespectful for her to call and text excessively through out the day. What could she possibly have to say or want? He assures me nothing is going on. I try and trust his answer, but gut feeling tells me otherwise. I can't seem to trust him when he leaves the room to talk to her on the phone or talks in front of me in coded messages. Just not right. So I stoop to snooping. After 32 years I find myself snooping. It shouldn't be that way. I find he has left his tools in her garage because we are still not in our home yet, so he spends most mornings at her home having coffee before work. she buys him clothes that he hides and pulls out at later dates. He takes showers at her home because we don't have facilities in the rv. He tells her things he doesn't tell me. he discusses our family with her. In the text messages he sympathizes with all she has gone through in her life. They hug, they kiss on the cheek, they act like they may be married. Her text the last few days are. Have phone by my side, do call oxoxoxox. The last voice mail she left, was a demand for him to be at her home Thanksgiving day to take her to the airport and take care of her dogs while gone. He hasn't told me this yet, but he will and he will do as she says. He tells me I'm taking their relationship out of contexts.

I think not!


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## PM1 (Aug 9, 2011)

Sure sounds like an emotional affair. I have a few really good friends, we do not need to talk even daily to maintain that, so I don't see this as a friendship. Just saying.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Hell no you're not. Dr. Shirley Glass - About the Book - NOT "Just Friends" you should both get this book and read it.

http://www.cbsnews.com/2100-500168_162-536494.html


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Buy him this book

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Tell him to read it - he has six hours and if he tries to stop reading before he's done, kick his ass out. Then tell him that he has 2 seconds to write her a NC letter, move the RV from her place, and agree never to speak to her ever again, or you are taking the RV yourself and parking it somewhere far far away and he will NEVER find it.

Then get tested for STD's because I can guarantee they've had sex. it's been FIVE YEARS. What guy stays in contact with any woman that his wife isn't friends with or related to or that he works with for that long, if he isn't getting sex?


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Generally when men find affair partners, they demonize the wife to them. They make the wife sound like a nag, an abuser, doesnt meet their needs etc. They begin sharing more with the partner than the wife. When the partner becomes obsessed, it has usually already evolved into a Physical affair. The man usually promises this partner that he is going to leave his wife for her, but this only happens a mere 3% of the time. The AP gets anxious and.. well, you might find out angrily.

No contact has got to happen. Trust your gut. You know your husband better than anybody.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry but this sounds like a full blown A!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Full blown affair. He's not even sneaky. He flaunts it right in front of you.

If you look 30, kick him to the curb, get all the alimony you can & find a new loyal man.

The OW is a nasty-skank-home-wrecker-husband-stealer.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PM1 said:


> Sure sounds like an emotional affair. I have a few really good friends, we do not need to talk even daily to maintain that, so I don't see this as a friendship. Just saying.


:iagree:


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

March over there and run this woman off. Move the RV elsewhere. Have a long chat with your husband and put a stop to his indiscretions. Forgive and move on.

You two have 32 years under your belt. That's awesome. Sometimes you gotta fight to keep your marriage together.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I would do the following:

1. Tell him that this ends immediately or he can take his sorry ass and go live with her.
2. If he doesn't comply, take his cell phone, place it on the floor and jump up and down on it to show him that you won't tolerate him taking her calls any more.
3. If this doesn't work, ask your lawyer to write him a letter notify him you plan on divorcing him.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Buy him this book
> 
> Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"
> 
> ...


I make no judgement on the relationship.....the way OP describes it sounds closer than I think wise, but is her description balanced or influenced by her fears?

However, I have female friends, some very close, who I have stayed in contact with for a LOT longer than 5 years. And never had sex with them or tried to.

I'm not alone in this, I know of quite a few relationships among my friends that work this way.

It is possible to have a female friend and not cheat if you have decent boundaries.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Wazza said:


> I make no judgement on the relationship.....the way OP describes it sounds closer than I think wise, but is her description balanced or influenced by her fears?
> 
> However, I have female friends, some very close, who I have stayed in contact with for a LOT longer than 5 years. And never had sex with them or tried to.
> 
> ...



Do they buy you things you keep hidden from your wife and call and text you 10 times a day?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

t2morgan said:


> . I find he has left his tools in her garage because we are still not in our home yet, so he spends most mornings at her home having coffee before work. *she buys him clothes that he hides and pulls out at later dates. He takes showers at her home because we don't have facilities in the rv. *.
> 
> I


OP,
I am a man.
Take it from me,
This is more than just an affair.

This woman *OWNS YOUR HUSBAND.*

My guess is that she has probably given him money to " help "his business also.


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## t2morgan (Oct 22, 2012)

I want to thank everyone for your responses. I happen to agree with most of it. And YES Caribbean Man. I do think she owns him.
She has purchased even bigger ticket items...such as a vehicle for his business. later he lost it to theft. Of course the ins. was in her name and she received all the benefit form it. I did not like him receiving this gift and later found out she had purchased big ticket items for her other male friend also. So I'm not sure what kind of scam this woman's got going!

So now I'm baffled by my husband. Kinda the way men are baffled by women.

I was always under the impression men didn't care to be told what to do, ordered around, nagged at and annoyed by irritating women full of drama. This is how this woman seems to treat my husband. I'm totally the opposite. I'm easy going, slow to anger, give space when needed, don't nag, very supportive, fun loving. We even use to make it a point to go on a date twice a month to reconnect. Now that this woman has edged her way in over the past few months, we haven't gone on any dates.

Stumped to his actions. I guess he likes being owned.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He showers at her home? WTF?

Yeah, your gut is right on this one. Women always know. 

She has no boundaries. Neither does your husband.

Lay down the law.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

t2morgan said:


> Stumped to his actions. I guess he likes being owned.


Well, if that is the case, then I would show him who his owner really is and be firm with him. You can cause him a lot more grief than she can. If I were you, I would not allow this to continue. In fact, you should give her a call and tell her to back off!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

kipani said:


> Do they buy you things you keep hidden from your wife and call and text you 10 times a day?


No,no, I agree it sounds too close, I did say that. I would be drawing boundaries.

All I was saying is be a bit more gentle in confronting the issue. That doesn't mean don't be firm. Just don't be hot headed.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Wazza said:


> All I was saying is be a bit more gentle in confronting the issue. That doesn't mean don't be firm. Just don't be hot headed.


I disagree. She said she is laid back and easy going. I'm guessing that the times she has confronted him already have gone this way. Her being gentle and somewhat passive about it. Yet he puts up with this woman demanding things from him. My guess is that he likes feeling needed and wanted and even though this woman seems controlling it's giving him that feeling. 

OP, you need to step up and demand that he cut ties with her. Absolutely be firm and straightforward that this needs to stop. If that is what he gets from this woman then you drawing the line may just show him that he is wanted and needed at home just as well and doesn't need her to fulfill that ego boost.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Soifon said:


> I disagree. She said she is laid back and easy going. I'm guessing that the times she has confronted him already have gone this way. Her being gentle and somewhat passive about it. Yet he puts up with this woman demanding things from him. My guess is that he likes feeling needed and wanted and even though this woman seems controlling it's giving him that feeling.
> 
> OP, you need to step up and demand that he cut ties with her. Absolutely be firm and straightforward that this needs to stop. If that is what he gets from this woman then you drawing the line may just show him that he is wanted and needed at home just as well and doesn't need her to fulfill that ego boost.


Well, there is "I have a serious problem with this relationship. We need to agree some boundaries and it is not negotiable"....that is what she should do.

Then there is smashing his phone into a million pieces or presenting divorce papers. A tad early for that.

He is possibly in a full blown affair, or possibly an EA. He possibly genuinely does not recognise it is a problem. So for example if they fight, and she yells "I know you're sleeping with her!!!" and he knows he isn't, will that help? (That was the specific point I picked up on that caused me to post).

Be firm and strong absolutely. I agree with you, this is not a time to be a doormat. But angry, or throwing out accusations that are not proven..maybe not.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

t2morgan said:


> So now I'm baffled by my husband. Kinda the way men are baffled by women.
> 
> I was always under the impression men didn't care to be told what to do, ordered around, nagged at and annoyed by irritating women full of drama. This is how this woman seems to treat my husband. I'm totally the opposite. I'm easy going, slow to anger, give space when needed, don't nag, very supportive, fun loving. We even use to make it a point to go on a date twice a month to reconnect. Now that this woman has edged her way in over the past few months, we haven't gone on any dates.
> 
> Stumped to his actions. I guess he likes being owned.


He is under her spell, so doesn't see her the way that you (and we) do.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

To make it simple...just don't put up with it a minute longer. Do whatever you have to do to make that possible, as the way you're going right now, it would seem that you're allowing your husband his affair...AND giving them both your blessing!


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Trust your gut! I always thought women knew other women, and men know other men. He is definitely in an EA!

Granted, I have male friends who I have known for more than 5 years, but we don't keep in touch NEARLY as much as your husband keeps in touch with this OW. At the most, we might have a short conversation once in a while to see how things are going.

There's been more than a few times where I wished I listened to my gut, and so far, it hasn't lied to me yet.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

t2morgan said:


> So now I'm baffled by my husband. Kinda the way men are baffled by women.
> 
> I was always under the impression men didn't care to be told what to do, ordered around, nagged at and annoyed by irritating women full of drama. This is how this woman seems to treat my husband. I'm totally the opposite. I'm easy going, slow to anger, give space when needed, don't nag, very supportive, fun loving. We even use to make it a point to go on a date twice a month to reconnect. Now that this woman has edged her way in over the past few months, we haven't gone on any dates.


T2Morgan, I have similar sentiments about my similar situation.

My fiancé's EA has an in your face behaviour; she was sarcastic with him; I noticed in an e-mail that he sent to her before he met me , he described her behaviour towards him as "with contempt." 

I saw that she would scold him as well. 

He claimed that the sex was not good with her (this was before he met me) and that he didn't find her physically attractive. His words.

But a couple things I think he did value about her: They both liked the same indie music groups; she was the type who rounded up people for pub crawls and other activities.

so much for choosing partners because of their positive character or because they are flattering.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Your gut is right. Seems like her claws are firmly in place.

Sometimes you have to gently pry them off. In this case just freakin rip them out.


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