# Cheated and it gets worse



## worriedlover23

Cheated on my husband 5 months ago. It was an affair that happened twice. After discovery day he was checking out this woman constantly on FB, even poking her on FB. He joined Hot or Not, than I found out he joined Badoo in 2013 way before I cheated.

He thinks me bringing this up is my way of saying hey I cheated and its ok so why are you on this dating site?

He claims he did not know Badoo Or HON were dating apps... I call BS

When I bring it up he says you are stressing me out, Guess you don't want me to forget your affair, he says bringing up the apps and that girl are stressing him to the point of divorce. But he is extremely angry every time, throwing things... Says I want the divorce since I won't stop hounding and questioning...I have brought it up 3 times in the last 2 months. 

He said I cheated I have no rights to any answers from him

He said he smiled when I brought up that girl because he found it hilarious I was accusing of him cheating when I cheated. 

In regards to that girl, I had to ask 3 times who she was first 2 times was IDK than he admitted she was his cousin's friend....2 weeks after discovering he was checking her out on FB she gets divorced from her hubby for cheating. 

I admitted my whole affair with honesty, remorse, and transparency.


I decided to write him an email

The other day, you pointed out. I don't deserve the rights to know about why you were on the apps or looking up that girl. You get angry and tell me I am pushing you over the edge, is simply a defensive mechanism to get me to stop. Just because I have cheated, Does not excuse the fact you get to join dating apps and look up a woman on Facebook.
It does not excuse the fact, I also deserve answers. 2 wrongs do not make a right. I deserve answers, just as much you do about what I did. You joined Badoo in 2013, Badoo has always 100% been a dating site. One look at it when signing up you know and you knew because you have been opening the emails for years. 
You joined during a time when I was doing nothing on you or to you, I saw the Badoo emails and my heart sunk. I thought weren't we happy? You had to know what Badoo was at the time, you even uploaded photos that women were looking at and liking from the emails. You told me to not get on there and look at the messages, That says to me there WAS something there, I cannot see. You do not say that if there is something to hide.
Same with Hot or Not, I truly believe you are not giving the full truth on why you joined these apps.
No way am I saying I cheated and what I did was not wrong because you were on these dating apps. I know what I did was wrong, I have been open and honest to all the questions you have had asked. I have shown I am sorry, I am remorseful.
However, When I ask you questions about the apps, you get angry, defensive, telling me I am pushing you over the edge which is a defense mechanism to get me to stop. You may or may not have slept with someone else but, doing what were doing is cheating, make no mistake. You do not join a dating site Unless you are looking for something. It's very, very clear on these sites they are dating sites. 
Getting Instantly pissed at me when I bring it up and telling me I don't have the rights to answers or if you had done anything I don't deserve to know, It Shows you are guilty, period. Spinning it around on me that I cheated is unfair, You are using that as ammo to throw in my face to excuse the fact you were on these sites and looking that girl up. I have every right to answers, You are my husband, there should be no secrets between us. Yet, still, I have no answers. That's why I am always suspicious. I don't bring this up constantly so you can't forget. 

What I did only lasted less than 2 months, There were no feelings, I never once spoke badly about you or ran your name through the mud. We never hung out. I never texted first, he texted once a week when he was at work, we rarely chatted, less than 30 mins. I felt and still do feel guilty to this day. I hate myself for what I did. I wanted to end it, I was unsure how and how to tell you. that night I left I looked at you by shining my phone on your face "I thought he never sleeps like that" It's messed up but I could not muster the strength or courage to physically tell you. I thought by getting caught was the best option. Most nights I cry myself to sleep, I am disgusted with myself. I never want to do this to you again. 
With that said, Unequivocally I do deserve answers on Badoo which you joined in 2013, Hot or Not and Becca. I gave answers every time you asked and I deserve the same respect and honesty. all feelings aside, I also deserve it. 

We need to be mindful, This marriage cannot and will not work if we don't lay it all out on the table with 100% honesty about those apps/Becca and what I had done. We cannot Build a new foundation of trust or relationship. This will keep festering if we cannot just put everything out there on the line and be 100% honest. We are slowly tearing each apart because there are still questions lying around.I love you and I am sorry for what I did to you. I want this marriage to work, but theres only 1 way it will work, 100% honesty from both of us.


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## personofinterest

Your job right now is to own YOUR terrible choice. Work on YOUR affair fallout and shut up about badoo or anything else.

All you are doing is deflecting.


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## MattMatt

Couple's counselling, individual counselling and lie detectors for both of you.


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## sokillme

Neither one of you seems mature enough to be married.


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## jorgegene

I agree with you, you cheated and that's your bad and your fault.

He has a right to leave you for that. But if he's staying, what he's doing is in bad faith.

You are correct. Two wrongs don't make a right.

You both need to be committed to reconciliation, or you're both just cohabitating.


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## Bluesclues

The phrase “two wrongs don’t make a right” is the most infuriating thing a wayward spouse can say in my opinion. I would have stopped reading your email if I was your husband. 

And at five months he actually doesn’t have to decide if he is staying or going. OP you are making the mistake that since he hasn’t said GTFO that he is in. He obviously isn’t. And nor should he have to be. What he is doing is not good towards reconciliation - maybe that isn’t what he wants. I don’t blame him based on what you wrote. 

Work on you becoming a safe partner for him (or for someone else) and let him grieve the death of his marriage the way he sees fit. If that is by cheating on you and determining if Becca is better than you, that is out of your hands. You have the option to say nope, this is cheating and we are done. You don’t have to put up with the bad behavior your husband endured. And he is not stuck with your cheating ass because he didn’t immediately divorce you. 

Read your email again and see how much deflection off of yourself you used. And the “open and honest” bull****. Good lord.


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## 3Xnocharm

This one is easy, get divorced. You having cheated twice says that you dont care about being married to this man, and his being on dating apps your entire marriage says that he doesnt either.


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## Cynthia

Your husband is probably doing more than answering e-mails and sending photos. He has probably been physically cheating on you this whole time and now has what he considers an excuse to continue. He is being abusive towards you. 

The only thing that might work is for you to stop answering a fool according to his folly. In other words, do not respond to his accusations and excuses. You give them merit when you do that. Instead tell him that you are no longer going to tolerate this behavior of his. If he is willing to stop and to go to marriage counseling with him you will give it another shot. If not, it's over.

I recommend you see an attorney to understand your rights and responsibilities in a divorce, so you will be prepare for your husband to continue with his antics. See a therapist to get straight why you cheated and to help you work through your personal issues.


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## AandM

sokillme said:


> Neither one of you seems mature enough to be married.


This site constantly reinforces a conclusion I came to some time ago: some people have no business getting married. Ever.


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## Chaparral

Your husband was on dating sites. That definitely doesn’t sound good. Have you checked his phone, emails and apps? Do you believe he has cheated? 

Why did you you cheat and with who? 

His dating site thing could be bad but could also be a couriosity thing. If he simply refuse to discuss it though, it doesn’t seem like he cares much about the marriage? He may be just hiding his time.


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## Cynthia

Chaparral said:


> He may be just* hiding* his time.


Do you mean biding? If not, what do you mean by hiding his time? I don't get it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

At this point in the M it seems things have deteriorated past regaining any semblance of intimacy or emotional closeness necessary for a reasonably good relationship. 

Unless a huge change in attitude by both parties to clean up all EAs, website subscriptions, FB dalliances, etc (which appears unlikely to happen) all are on different paths, leading each away from the other.

And make no mistake H is already checked out fully.

His not listening to what you're at least trying to say, and blatant continuing on line relationships are but a couple actions totally showing the 100% checked-out state he's in.

It may be time to accept things will never get better.

You may be better off preparing yourself for the D.

He may do it anytime.

What reasons are there to stay?

Can you share more?

Best wishes.


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## NobodySpecial

Both of you -- get a divorce. Grow up a bit before getting into a relationship again.


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## worriedlover23

We have 4 kids together. Well, one is mine but the other 3 are ours. He knows if I leave I take my daughter with me he has no legal or custody rights over her, he said it is a threat for me to take her if we were to split.

We chatted last night...

He said we don't discuss the affair because its like me tossing it in his face "haha look what i did" Which is not the case...

he also said
idk it to much way to much maybe we should have split that day but how I feel is if that were to happen you would just be with him or others idk ,

and..


First I have to figure how I feel before I decide if we will work cause we aren’t now


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## She'sStillGotIt

Oh I get it.

Your husband's been shady for YEARS and *placed himself on a dating website back in 2013*, but now that your affair is out in the open, he's just not bothering to hide his cheating from you anymore like he always *used* to. 

OP, he's nothing more than your typical serial cheater - it's fine for him to go out and get as much strange as he can possibly get, but _*you're*_ supposed to stay at home being true blue and loyal to him and keeping the home fires burning until his return. 

Don't turn this into the All About What YOU Did Wrong Show. He's been at it for YEARS and you can work on yourself until the cows come home and get to a better place but you'll *still* be stuck with a serial cheater when it's all said and done. They rarely change.


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## TJW

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> And make no mistake H is already checked out fully.


Things will never get better. Your threats and accusations will only keep him checked out. Personally, I don't think your marriage has a snowball's chance in hell. Too much bad water has gone over the dam. Just see a lawyer and get some mediation help to separate and may God assuage the horrible guilt, anger, and fear your kids will be enduring from this mess.


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