# review and update "Is she cheating?"



## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

Well I'm back, just want to thank everyone for helping me thru all of this. It has been very difficult.

I decided to put my story in a brief timeline to make everything more clear on how I have come to the decision of divorcing my wife. Some feedback on wether I'm making the right our wrong decision is much appreciated.

Maybe in writing this it will help someone not to follow love blindly. 

Here's the link to my original story 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/68456-she-cheating.html

2004 - my future wife , Connie ( we haven't met yet) is having a relationship with Bill. He is married. Their affair has been active for about 2 years.

Jan* 2005 - I meet Connie and we start dating.

2005 - in our discussions we reveal all former lovers.

2006 - we are married in Sept. 

May 2008 - I found out she stopped in at his work.* She says she was only there to pick up boxes for her friend.* I respond by saying I'm not comfortable with her going there considering the type of relationship they had, she agrees.

Aug 2008 - she has a flat tire, gets her vehicle towed to his shop for repair. I'm like wtf!* Argument starts and again I mention that I don't like this guy. Again, she says she will not go there. All open discussion about Bill ceases.

April 2012 - Bill's wife passes away. 

May 2012 - Bill is added as a Facebook
*friend on my wife's account.

June 2012 - A friend asks if my wife got into an accident? Says he saw her car at his body shop. I start using a GPS in her car.

July 2012 - GPS shows she went to his shop.

Aug 2012 - wife is having a big yard party at the end of the month. Already in detective mode I intercept this message.

*Anita - Except 4 Billy Bob... lol Careful***** 
*********** when u say invite some friends...lol

Connie - Ah he can come - there will be
************** enough ppl so that he doesn't get
************ * noticed lol

*Anita - Don't be so sure. Think about it
************ long & hard b4 I say anything 2
************ him, if u even want me 2 at all

*Connie - Lol ok I'll think about it

*Anita - U know he'll be riding the bull like
********** * he stole it!

I start noticing clues of her being influenced by him, like me buying a new truck like his. I notice a rash or skin irratation on her face , I mention it looks like moustach burn, her face dropped and turned completely red .( I looked at his face book profile and he has a moustach). 

Nov 2012 - My surveillance is rather limited and can only track her a couple days of the week. I check her phone only once and a while.
*I intercept another text 

*Anita - So u'll get the box from Billy's?

Connie - Here right now! Thanks!! Hope u
*************** had an awesome bday!!

Anita - That's ****in hilarious that ur there
*********** now! 

Feb 2013 - at this point life has been pure hell, * she's constantly complaining and never happy. I search her phone and find she has his number under a secret name.
wife leaves to the airport to visit her sister. I find this text

*Bill - Keep smiling ;-)

*Bill - U on the plane yet?

*Connie - Yup just landed in Edmonton*

*Bill - Behave yourself

April 2013 - then I found this one

*Connie - What do you think of the Nissan
*************** murano?

*Bill - Not for me

*Bill - You're to sexy for a murano

*Connie - Oh thanks*) I keep looking at
**************** smaller sized SUVs ..

*Bill - BMW x3 or x5

*Connie - Ok that's what you keep saying -
**************** ill check them out. Just like how
**************** great my mdx has been"

May 2013 -* then I found this one. 

*Connie - U must be busy*

*Bill - Why do u say that

*Connie - Just called*

*Bill - Where

*Connie - Ur work

*Bill - I just got back to shop

*Connie - Oh out galavanting lol

*Connie - I have a question that's more of
************** a business nature

*Bill - Lol

*Bill - Call me

*Bill - Sex is business

*Connie - It's ringing !!!

I think I lasted about 4-5 months after reading that. I had planned to confront with more evidence but I just couldn't hold it in anymore. Instead of a controlled confrontation I just blurted it all out ( really stupid move). She never admitted to anything, when she saw him they were never alone and that he had only asked her out for a few drinks.
I knew this was complete BS but she stuck to her story like glue. Since I never did get the proof that I needed I struggled with knowing but not really knowing if that makes any sense, about her affair. It was never mentioned again, completely swept under the rug. 
If any contact was made with the OM since then I never found out. 
Now I was left in pieces, losing respect for my wife and no longer able to trust her completely. Our marriage suffered considerably,* it became very shallow with very little openess.* I no longer became interested in doing anything with her or working on the house etc. I guess I felt like I was in limbo, like my future was already behind me.
I started using VAR again and had to stop after a week because all I heard was her complain about me the useless ******* and how* could she get my name off some of her assets.

Then, 3 weeks ago I'm having a beer with my neighbor in the shop, she comes to say hi, after a few mins of conversation she says.
" Just so you know, I spoke to Bill today and he's interested in one of my properties I have for sale." I stood there shocked not able to say anything because of the neighbor. She continues,
"I'll take the work, I'll take his money"

This shot a bolt of lightning through me, I suddenly realized she doesn't have any respect for me. If she had any love for me she should have said no she cannot take him on as a client and that she doesn't want to risk her marriage by having any contact. 
If she would have responded that way I would have considered reconciliation. Instead I finally got what I was looking for. For the rest of the week I completely ignored her. The following week she was so nice, I guess she knows I'm in divorce mode and knows she won't do well when we settle the assets.
Now, I'm not sure how to approach her to tell her I want a divorce. Should I tell her now? Or wait till her family leaves ( they are coming for a week long visit in 2 weeks)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your story and that it didn`t get better.

For me, you have put yourself through enough already, just get out as soon as you can.

Maybe the family being there will make it a bit easier to break the news.

Good luck.


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## BURNT KEP (Oct 3, 2012)

File now


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Tinman74 said:


> "
> 
> ... I stood there shocked not able to say anything because of the neighbor... "
> 
> ...


Giver her a tast of her own medicine.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Absolutely file now and here is why...if the property is in her name and you did not sign a pre-nup then she could transfer the property to a family member keeping it out of asset division, so file immediately...do not pass go do not collect $200


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tinman74 said:


> Now, I'm not sure how to approach her to tell her I want a divorce. Should I tell her now? Or wait till her family leaves ( they are coming for a week long visit in 2 weeks)


Do you really want to spend a week w/ her family? I'd tell her now.

Look, I'll be honest... You knew that she'd previously engaged in an adulterous affair w/ a married man, and you married her anyway. That's beyond dumb. Either way, start putting her in your rearview now. 

And one more thing... if you have any children w/ this woman (didn't see any mention of kids), order paternity tests for each of them ASAP.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Seems all you've been doing is waiting. 

And despite the massive amount of evidence you have has not been enough to get anything rolling in regards to D or R.

For heaven's sake why would you even accommodate her family when this is happening? Isn't this more important?

If you get a divorce you won't be accommodating them anyway.

Stop stalling and do right by yourself. She doesn't even respect you enough to hide it. That's sad.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Why do you owe her ?? 
File and let the process server serving her at work be your telling.

She didn't tell you all her friends was laughing at you.
So let them laugh at how you blindsided her.

You've lost too much respect in their eyes already.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

sounds like Bill has been interested in "one of her properties" for ten years, and he's always had a spare key.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

File now.
Sure doesn't sound like she has any respect for you, certainly none for the marriage. A wife that respects her husband would not have been carrying on like this after telling her husband she would have nothing to do with OM. I doubt it will come as much of a surprise to her.
I'm sorry for you pain.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Maybe you can file, and serve her the papers over dinner with her family, so they hear about her cheating firsthand.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Maybe you can file, and serve her the papers over dinner with her family, so they hear about her cheating firsthand.


LOL. My initial thought was that he could hand the papers to her as her family is walking up onto the front porch. He could then hand her a packed bag and tell them all to go stay at the nearest Holiday Inn or whatever.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Sorry, man! She's totally hooked on this guy and apparently has absolutely NO intention of blocking him from her life in any way shape or form. In fact, she seems to come up with novel ways to remain in contact. I'm afraid you've already lost the war. She's just waving it in your face. Time to run up the white flag and surrender to the inevitable. Hope it's an easy exit. Lots of luck to you.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Don't ask her for a divorce. Just hand her the papers.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

She has no respect for you and it sounds like she has been making fun of you with her friends for years.

See a lawyer and get your ducks in a row before you do anything. You mentioned properties and it may be more complicated than usual to separate your finances.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Go see a lawyer and let her find out when she gets served.
Also, go get tested for STDs- no telling what POSOM is sending your way. 

She has zero respect for you or your marriage- you don't owe her squat. 

Protect your assets as best you can.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tinman74 said:


> I start noticing clues of her being influenced by him, like me buying a new truck like his.


Why would you buy a new truck like his and how does this show that she is being influenced by him?

If anything, you're the one being influenced.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL. My initial thought was that he could hand the papers to her as her family is walking up onto the front porch. He could then hand her a packed bag and tell them all to go stay at the nearest Holiday Inn or whatever.


Problem is that he has no proof. Yes, he has red flags all over the place but that's not enough to do this in front of her family.

I'd simply file for divorce ASAP, tell the wife I've done so, and strongly suggest to her that this is not a good time for her family to visit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This might be off the wall but how did his wife die?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Tinman74 said:


> "I'll take the work, I'll take his money"
> 
> *This shot a bolt of lightning through me, I suddenly realized she doesn't have any respect for me.* If she had any love for me she should have said no she cannot take him on as a client and that she doesn't want to risk her marriage by having any contact.
> 
> ...


Tinman74, I know that it takes all kinds of people to make the world go 'round, but I have to think you're on the extreme end of needing proof in order to take action.

I want to feel sorry for you, but you are the one who determines how much you are willing to allow your wife to cavort with a CURRENT flame, not me. You allow for a lot more bad behavior from your spouse than I would, though.

You behave as if you have a very low opinion of yourself, and, frankly, if your plan is to ask strangers on the internet whether or not you should file for divorce from your wife RIGHT NOW, your opinion is justified.

You get a few points for communicating to your wife that having a relationship with her current boyfriend is out-of-bounds, but then you lose them all and go way deep into negative-points by not actually enforcing the out-of-bounds.

I vote for file now.


You won't.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Why do people feel the need to inform their partner they're going to divorce them? Just have her ass served or hand her the papers yourself. You don't need to tell her anything.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

I was thinking the same, didn't dare to post. You did. 



MattMatt said:


> This might be off the wall but how did his wife die?


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

May I please suggest:

Wife, based on our discussion yesterday, you'll take the work, you'll take his money and you can take him as well. I, in turn, took the trouble of filing. Good luck. 

I'd add "this (eg the divorce) will solve you little dilemma on taking my name off the assets" but this may reveal you've been using Var. 



Tinman74 said:


> "I'll take the work, I'll take his money"
> 
> 
> 
> Now, I'm not sure how to approach her to tell her I want a divorce.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, I would have her served with papers ASAP and let her know that she can now hang out at Bills shop and be his one woman groupie and I would let her girlfriend who she was texting and obviously knows about her cheating that when she sees you, it would be in her best interest to cross the street or walk the other way.

All in all, IMO enough is enough and you better do something real quick before that woman guts and filets you and hangs you out to dry.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

After six years of documenting her actions, You just NOW realize she has no respect for you????? Pull your head out of your A$$ and really think about all of your posts and how long it took for you to get to this realization. 

Then think about your statement



> Now, I'm not sure how to approach her to tell her I want a divorce


You really have been riding the bull###t like you own it. 6 years of playing dumb and you expect her to respect you when you don't respect yourself take a stand.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

AlphaHalf said:


> After six years of documenting her actions, You just NOW realize she has no respect for you????? Pull your head out of your A$$ and really think about all of your posts and how long it took for you to get to this realization.
> 
> Then think about your statement
> 
> ...


:iagree:
:slap::slap::slap:


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

File for a divorce, no need to tell her. She has no respect for you why give her the same.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

This seems about five years overdue. I have to say that I could not keep monitorig and putting up with this. I would have been gone after she was contacting him behind my back. You had already driven that home. Perhaps you culd have stopped the affari early. Perhaps not. You will never know now.

File. Stop cooperating at all.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

From what you have posted, I would have been long gone. I do have a question though. His wife died, why didn't they get together? On the other hand why is she hanging on to you even if she did not want to run off with him? What is goung on that makes her want to stay married to you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> This seems about five years overdue. I have to say that I could not keep monitorig and putting up with this. I would have been gone after she was contacting him behind my back. You had already driven that home. Perhaps you culd have stopped the affari early. Perhaps not. You will never know now.
> 
> File. Stop cooperating at all.


Well...
"Dear Penthouse"
I just had to do it.
Tu sabes HOT WIFE?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I hope that Tinman doesn't make a few posts lamenting his wife's suspicious behavior, and then just disappear from the site as I've seen others do. They lay it all out for everyone to see and comment on, and with absolutely no resolution, just vanish permanently. Anybody else notice that? :scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> From what you have posted, I would have been long gone. I do have a question though. His wife died, why didn't they get together? On the other hand why is she hanging on to you even if she did not want to run off with him? What is goung on that makes her want to stay married to you?


OM is probably a hyper-alpha d**chebag, and OP's wife figures that it's more fun to simply f*ck him on the side rather than come home to him every day.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Pretty apt username and what's with all the ********'s everywhere?
:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go to the bank and ensure she can't take any money out of any accounts. Then go to a lawyer and get the papers started. Set up some VARs in the house and in her car. Don't tell her a thing until you have it all wrapped up, then just call her over and place the papers in her hands. Then go have a drink with your friends. Then come back and retrieve the VARs and see what she did and said. Save that for evidence.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Tinman

If I was your friend I would punch you in your balls. Then I would tell you to feel the pain and savor it.

Hopefully it would remind you that you have a pair between your legs, that God gave them to you and you should use them.

File for Divorce tomorrow.
Do not tell your wife.
Arrange for your wife to be served at work or home while her family is there with you.

I could not think of a better way to start off that conversation with her and her family when they ask why?

All you have to do is tell the truth. Or just walk away smiling.

HM


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Tinman74 said:


> This shot a bolt of lightning through me, I suddenly realized she doesn't have any respect for me. If she had any love for me she should have said no she cannot take him on as a client and that she doesn't want to risk her marriage by having any contact.


She's done you a favor Tinman. Even though you haven't been able to find the smoking gun, she's given you an out. You drew a line in the sand, she crossed it, you re-drew it, she crossed it again. Of course she doesn't have respect for you. She doesn't value her marriage.

But if you think she doesn't respect you now; just try re-drawing your line again. You essentially have no choice but to D if you have any self respect.

Don't tell her you're divorcing her. Just do it. Now. She knows why. Don't get in a back and fourth with her, implement the 180 instead. 

Talk to a lawyer, get your exit plan moving and get the hell out of Dodge.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Tinman74 said:


> Aug 2008 - she has a flat tire, gets her vehicle towed to his shop for repair. I'm like wtf!* Argument starts and again I mention that I don't like this guy. Again, she says she will not go there. *All open discussion about Bill ceases.*


Sounds like she has been in the affair with "Bill" for just about the entire marriage. Don't know how the OP could live like this for so many years.

He should have divorced after the above way back in 2008, which according to OP's timeline was already her 2nd time she broke NC. 

OP, just D and move on. You don't need some big grandstand in front of her family. You have had YEARS to do something and did not. That's not her family's fault.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

As stated, he knew what he was getting. But the golden V on the pedestal drew him in.

Now that she is seeing how far under he's sunk, he come here to lament and, then run.

Very apt name he chose.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Maybe a troll rehearsing his next **** story.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Respect is a two-way street. No need to be mean, no need to embarrass her or her family. How about an amicable approach? I get weary of people who complain about respect (not you OP) but then thinks it's ok to respond disrespectfully because THEY didn't get the respect they felt they deserved! Makes no sense...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And yet another thread where the OP posted his request then took off on us.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> And yet another thread where the OP posted his request then took off on us.


Well not quite.

It was a continuation of a story he posted over a year ago. 

He posted an update and requested feedback.

He got it.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Guess we'll all have to wait until next year's update...


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you really want to spend a week w/ her family? I'd tell her now.
> 
> Look, I'll be honest... You knew that she'd previously engaged in an adulterous affair w/ a married man, and you married her anyway. That's beyond dumb. Either way, start putting her in your rearview now.
> 
> And one more thing... if you have any children w/ this woman (didn't see any mention of kids), order paternity tests for each of them ASAP.


Ya I dunno what I was thinking about when I mentioned her family coming over, screw them.

When she disclosed her seeing a married man before we met she said he was separated from his wife at the time. I only found out more recently that they weren't seperated. 

And no kids
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

OldWolf57 said:


> Maybe a troll rehearsing his next **** story.


less than 24 hours and you guys are already a lynch mob. I can see why some people would no longer post their hurt out there and get stomped on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

ReidWright said:


> sounds like Bill has been interested in "one of her properties" for ten years, and he's always had a spare key.


I only really suspected just over a year ago, and went with my gut and started in investigating her. Great post BTW so true
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Tinman74 said:


> less than 24 hours and you guys are already a lynch mob. I can see why some people would no longer post their hurt out there and get stomped on


There is no lynch mob.

Just one poster unwisely publically questioning the sincerity of your story.

You're always going to get some of that around here. 

Even though it's against forum rules to call troll and it's a supposedly a bannable offense.


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

Turin74 said:


> May I please suggest:
> 
> Wife, based on our discussion yesterday, you'll take the wo
> rk, you'll take his money and you can take him as well. I, in turn, took the trouble of filing. Good luck.
> ...


I have spent the last year arranging my assets etc, I'm at the final step now, and my house will be for sale within 2 weeks. It was a difficult year.
please don't mind my quality of my responses, I only have a mobile to get online.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why would you buy a new truck like his and how does this show that she is being influenced by him?
> 
> If anything, you're the one being influenced.


I didn't care. For one his was a Chevy and I ended up with a tundra, and she paid for a bunch of extras which I never paid her back anyways, i laughed all the way down the road. Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

davecarter said:


> Pretty apt username and what's with all the ********'s everywhere?
> :scratchhead:


Sorry, just the way it pasted into the page. Was supposed to be spaces.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tinman74 (Mar 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> This might be off the wall but how did his wife die?


Lol Matt, your always good for off the wall responses.
I'm not sure how, but I think it was cancer or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoveEnigma13 (Oct 31, 2013)

thummper said:


> Sorry, man! She's totally hooked on this guy and apparently has absolutely NO intention of blocking him from her life in any way shape or form. In fact, she seems to come up with novel ways to remain in contact. I'm afraid you've already lost the war. She's just waving it in your face. Time to run up the white flag and surrender to the inevitable. Hope it's an easy exit. Lots of luck to you.


I agree.

Except the white flag.

Hoist the black flag and burn them all down. Show both of them and all their friends that approve of this behavior what a righteous man can do. If he wants her so bad, he can take over payments.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sorry you never got your closure.

FWIW. Badco got his confirmation after he filed. It was who he thought it was. Not all affairs are 24/7 fvckfests.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Wasn't forming a mob Tin, and sorry for your troubles.

Sometime my anger get directed wrongly

Sounds like you got this tho. 

lenzi, I've never been banned or warned, but thanks for pointing that out to the mods. Also see you never paid my condo fees,, got me ???


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I would agree that not only has she betrayed you, but done so brazenly. Clearly she has no love or respect for you. Sadly a D seems to be yoyr only option.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Wasn't forming a mob Tin, and sorry for your troubles.
> 
> Sometime my anger get directed wrongly
> 
> ...


I've triggered and crossed the line also.
No biggie imo.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I remember your previous thread, especially about the finger shaped bruises on her inner thighs:



Tinman70 said:


> But one guy she was involved with was married and carried on a secret relationship for the better part of 2 years off and on. Just a booty call, he was helping me thru hard times she said, and it was over.





Tinman70 said:


> Last summer I noticed she had finger bruises on the inside of thighs just above her knees on both sides. I asked her about them and she said It must have been the dogs. Alarm bells go off in my head and I decide to look for more evidence.
> 
> We were in the process of organizing my wife's birthday party for her 40th, a big yard party with a band etc. 3 weeks before the party I found out she had gone to his place again. I never mentioned that I knew this and continued to look for clues. I decided to check her text messages and found this message from her girlfriend talking about who to invite to the party.
> 
> ...


The facts from what I can gather:


She was the OW in a two year affair - known history as a cheater
*Finger shaped* bruises on both legs above the knees - you know what *sexual position* that comes from and she gas lights you into thinking it was from the dogs?
OM's name is Billie Bob and she has the nerve to invite him over to the birthday party YOU planned for her - extreme disrespect
WW has toxic friend and she brags to friend that Billie Bob will be "riding the bull like he stole it" - bragging about banging OM!
You think you confronted to early

This would have been MORE than enough evidence for me. Oh, it's gone underground for sure, probably with burner phones, etc. Continue detaching and getting your ducks in a row, and let Billie Bob have her. Since she will never admit to cheating anyway, it shouldn't affect your divorce there in Canada. Move out as soon as you can and get away from this toxic woman.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

tinman

Did the OM come to your wife's 40th birthday party?

HM


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> tinman
> 
> Did the OM come to your wife's 40th birthday party?
> 
> HM


I would assume so since Tinman kept quiet about the texts. Personally I wouldn't have been able to. That was way too much, with finger shaped bruises on her thighs and her bragging about banging Billy Bob? No way I could have held that it. It would have been over then and there. That would have been enough for DDay for me. No way she could gas light her way out of that.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> This might be off the wall but how did his wife die?


an unfortunate car-lift accident?


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