# 20+ yrs of marriage still won't talk about sex



## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

It's been 20+ years of been married with little sex & I keep thinking it will get better. Wife doesn't want to talk about sex won't tell me what she likes & doesn't like. I keep hoping it will get better, we have on a avg of once ever 7 weeks sometimes months go by. For me to remain normal I need it twice a week so I'm on my own most of the time. BUT now instead of things getting better now it becomes an argument if sex is brought up. 
I can't play the games anymore & wishing I could turn off my desires.....
I NEED to do something what can I do?
Any thoughts?????


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

What do you mean by "for you to remain normal?" Describe what this means to you.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

You know what the options are, why don't you lay them out for us as you understand them to be?


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> What do you mean by "for you to remain normal?" Describe what this means to you.


With sex on my mind all time & not getting any it's hard to function (be normal)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

How are the other parts of the relationship? What does your initiation and foreplay look like? What specifically do you need her to say? What she likes - do you know what makes her O? Does she enjoy sex when you do it? What she doesn't like - I'm sure you've come across things that just don't work. 
If you ask more like "Do you like it when I ______" it might be easier than just a blanket "what do/don't you like" 

How do the conversations usually go and when do they happen?


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

NoIinThreesome said:


> You know what the options are, why don't you lay them out for us as you understand them to be?


Options are to post on this forum for options, take care of myself (masterbation) & don't expect sex from my wife. Maybe see a Doctor 
to have sexually Uges reduced.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You know your options - pick one and follow through on it. You will NOT get her to change, so don't waste any more time on that useless idea.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Left alone wondering said:


> With sex on my mind all time & not getting any it's hard to function (be normal)


So is it just the act of sex that's missing and making you not function properly, or is it overall connection and intimacy with your wife?


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

peacem said:


> I think you are right to pin pointing the problem around talking about sex. It's difficult I know. How about you both put it down on paper how you are feeling. It's hard to argue with a letter, especially if it is done with a loving tone.
> 
> The reason why it becomes an argument is that you are frustrated and your wife probably feels defensive and 'got at' or pressurized. If you could approach the subject at a time when you are not frustrated and communicate in a way that will make your wife feel loved and *highly* desired you might be able to move forward a little with communication.
> 
> ...



WOW!! This is wonder advice you understand what I'm trying to say I think you may have hit the nail on the head with where my Wife is at mentally "been pressured" I'm going to be very careful & only look for a "little & often" time to speak about sex, meanwhile I'll back off hoping for sex even avoid it with her than maybe she will bring it up & not me. she must read me wanting & bugging her for it.


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> How are the other parts of the relationship? What does your initiation and foreplay look like? What specifically do you need her to say? What she likes - do you know what makes her O? Does she enjoy sex when you do it? What she doesn't like - I'm sure you've come across things that just don't work.
> If you ask more like "Do you like it when I ______" it might be easier than just a blanket "what do/don't you like"
> 
> How do the conversations usually go and when do they happen?



Great questions I wish I really knew the answers I can only guess she won't talk about sex when a conversion begins it quickly ends because she says "that's embarrassing to talk about" 
As for her "O" it was only about 10 years ago she even let herself go or learn that she can also Orgrasm she always felt dirty or like a **** if she went there so she wouldn't. She will not give Oral, it's one of my favorites I give her Oral ever chance I have I LOVE IT & she will cum sometimes twice if she lets me continue. I would try & talk to her about her Orgrasm but again it's embarrassing. 
I finally got some sex toys that she would consider & the last few years she has started masterbating with a magic wand BUT does it in private doesnt want me to know & I act as if I don't know. She knows I masterbate but never when or how often I also hide it from her because she says to me that Im gross & sick in the mind for doing it. Trust me If I could just have sex with her & not ever masterbate that would be amazing but I just can't have sex once a month or longer or not having sex at all "no urges or thoughts" I would take that option & be done with it, maybe someone knows of a magic pill that will turn me off. I'm just going to avoid sex now with her all together & not ever bring it up just try to live without it & if that doesn't work go find it somewhere else I guess just tired after 20 years "not getting any"


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> You know your options - pick one and follow through on it. You will NOT get her to change, so don't waste any more time on that useless idea.


Wow sad to think it won't change but I think your very right. I wish I lived in China where the men go pay for it get it over with & its socially accepted. I don't want to leave her & the kids. I guess Ill go without or find **** buddy.


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## Left alone wondering (Nov 7, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Left alone wondering said:
> 
> 
> > With sex on my mind all time & not getting any it's hard to function (be normal)
> ...


Act of sex!!
we do cuddle spend time together we shop together go everwhere together in 21 years we have only been apart a total of 12 days she is my everything. I go clothes shopping with her always.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Left alone wondering said:


> Act of sex!!
> we do cuddle spend time together we shop together go everwhere together in 21 years we have only been apart a total of 12 days she is my everything. I go clothes shopping with her always.


How do you think SHE feels about how connected you are? What your relationship is like outside of sex? Have you asked her about it?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Left alone wondering said:


> Wow sad to think it won't change but I think your very right. I wish I lived in China where the men go pay for it get it over with & its socially accepted. I don't want to leave her & the kids. I guess Ill go without or find **** buddy.


Cheating will make it worse, both for you and the kids. You'll lose so much more than if you just left. 
What specifically are you worried about if you leave? Is she a competent Mother to share the children with? Does she work?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Was she sexually abused at some point in her live? If she was, it could explain her dislike or lack of desire for sex. Perhaps some therapy or IC might help her.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Left alone wondering said:


> Wow sad to think it won't change but I think your very right. I wish I lived in China where the men go pay for it get it over with & its socially accepted. I don't want to leave her & the kids. I guess Ill go without or find **** buddy.


That is a really bad idea. 

If you do find a FB or someone who is actually interested in you as more than a roommate then it will probably destroy your relationship even further as you realize how much of a good relationship is missing from your own.

On the other hand you may well blow your whole life up in your face if it is discovered, and you will include losing or at least straining your relationship with your kids.

You could of course tell her that the two of you need to work on this and if her response is anger, which is probably a means of avoiding the conversation, let her know that you two can discuss separation and divorce instead. I'll assume when you said your wedding vows they didn't include a vow of celibacy.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

No it's not going to change. She has a lower libido than you. She doesn't think there is a problem so she isn't going to change. Don't cheat on her, stick around until your children are grown and then think about leaving if you want to. The sad fact is most Sexless Marriages end in divorce because the spouse not getting his/her needs satisfied leaves. They get resentful from years of being rejected and little sex and then they eventually loose their desire to be sexual with their spouse.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Its been going on such a long time and that makes the problem difficult to solve. Why now? She may be disturbed that you bring it up now if you have never said anything earlier in the marriage. If so, you might tell her why. 

What is her background and was she inhibited when you first started to have sex? Try changing your approach. Instead of talking about sex directly, talk about how she is connected too you emotionally and her level of happiness vs your level. watch how mu ch you do for her and match her level of giving, leave out the lack of sex in the equation.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Talking about sex will not solve the problem. Doing what you have tried for 20 years will not solve the problem. If she's so uptight, mabye the problem cannot be solved. But here is some things you should do:

1. Embrace your desire for sex as normal. IF there is ever a conversation that she is indicating your a pervert or abnormal you have to say that you are a normal man who greatly desires sex with my beatiful wife.

2. Embrace that marriages are sexual. Again if any conversation leaves that open to interpretation you have to say that marriage are sexual relationships and you expect your marrige to be fulfilling sexually. 

3. Embrace the fact that your wife has non sexual needs and you need to be good at figuring out what those are an meeting them without a regard for getting sex.

4. Putting it all together, you become an normal man, who wants to have sex. Your marriage is important to you and involves meeting her needs and her meeting your needs. 

5. Once you are in this mode for a while this is where you offer her choices and you make choices. Does she want to participate in the marriage? IF she does not, do you continue to be a doormat or do you either get a divorce or at least start living without regard for her needs.

This is not about talking her into anything or convincing her of anything. This is about deciding to live a certain way, and occasionally saying things that allow her to understand who you are, how you think, what's important to you, and what the ramfications are of her choices.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First you need to realistically discuss this in the context of your overall marriage. One possibility is that your wife is mad or upset about something and if so, that needs to be discussed. Alternatively she thinks everything is fine but is not interested in sex and thinks that is all right. 

If it's this, try the following. Don't pester her for sex. Next time she wants something, say to go to her parents, at close to the last minute, say you don't wat to go because you are not in the mood. Do this on a few other things. Perhaps come home late without explanation and ideally you two can have a fight. There you can put your lovelife in the context of your marriage, if you are frustrated and unhappy, you cannot have a good marriage and she needs to understand that.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Why???????

Are you still with her???????


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Left alone wondering said:


> Trust me If I could just have sex with her & not ever masterbate that would be amazing but I just can't have sex once a month or longer or not having sex at all "no urges or thoughts" I would take that option & be done with it, maybe someone knows of a magic pill that will turn me off. I'm just going to avoid sex now with her all together & not ever bring it up just try to live without it & if that doesn't work go find it somewhere else I guess just tired after 20 years "not getting any"


This is so freaking sad. WOW. You just want to shut down your natural urges because you are tired of her rejecting you. Wow. 

No amount of you pouting, whining, begging or otherwise acting like a little kid will get her to jump your bones. Either she has hormonal issues, or she's just not into you. I'm guessing the latter. 

So, forget her. Work on yourself. Do all of those things that you've probably convinced yourself are shallow and unnecessary (go to the gym, get muscle, get hobbies, get guy friends, get away from her). That's what she wants. She doesn't want a girlfriend to go shopping with her. She wants a guy that she can point to and say "That's MY man right there!" That's ain't you.

Your entire sense of self-worth is tied up into one cold fish of a woman. She's resenting you for putting your happiness on her shoulders. Of course she doesn't want to have sex with you.


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## tommyr (May 25, 2014)

Forget *talking* about sex for a moment, let's focus on actually *initiating* sex for a moment please.

So: how often do you actually initiate sex? Not subtle hints, not wishing she picks up your vibe, I mean full-on you approaching her in a display of passion where she has NO DOUBT exactly what you need?

Talk us through one of these scenarios where you initiate. What exactly do you say/do? And what exactly does she say/do to reject you? And what exactly do you say/do after she has rejected?

Please be precise. I think this may lead to a solution.


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