# Dealing with the loneliness....



## bsc820 (Jul 14, 2011)

Well I have been separated for 2 weeks just waiting on a divorce to be final. My wife cheated on me with a Dr that she works with and I am sure that they will be dating soon if they aren't already. We have a 1 year old baby boy and it kills me to know that this man might be spending time with my son. Anyways, my wife moved in with some friends and we are splitting custody of our son. I am used to having a someone to come home to and having some noise in my house and i come home to a dead silence and it is killing me. I try going out with friends when i don't have my son and when I come home to the silence, the depression sets right back in. I have been on an emotional roller coaster and now I am experiencing different feelings now that she is gone and i realize that I don't get to see my son everyday. I am sick of dealing with all of this pain that she has caused me and I truly hate her guts right now. We have tried to be friends throughout this process but she continues to lie and be disrespectful towards me and it just wont work. I have been with her for almost 10 years and i helped her financially through nursing school and within a year of her getting her degree she pulls this sh*t, cheating on me with a Dr. I just feel like I am losing everything that I have and her socioeconomic status is going to increase. I am angry, frustrated, depressed, sad, lost, and I am at a point in my life where i don't even know who I am anymore.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

bsc820:
I am divorced since July 2011 and I just wanted to comfort you and to let you know that the loneliness does lift. It's important to keep moving forward.

Actually, it's very natural that you're angry your stbxw is enjoying herself and her financial freedom. I watched my spouse (we were stuck in the same house for 7 months then it sold) text and email his girlfriend and he was pretty blatant about it. If it's any comfort to you, life does return what you have put out, I have seen it happen.

Anger is natural and is part of the healing process. I sound great, right well I am still grieving. I was in this marriage and relationship for 9 years. And to me I viewed it as the rest of my life. Moving on is a very painful process but as time distances our exes and our lives, I know from others that this will pass.

I punched pillows and screamed into them, drove my car and screamed, I did anything to makepurge myself of those feelings. Mainly, when I am blue it's because I feel sad and scared. Prayer helps me. I don't like being angry for any length of time because I have found that it is usually masking something I feel powerless about.

Hang in there (as everyone says to me), it will get better. I have been assured of this. Kidding aside, it has gotten a bit better. But I still have moments when it is not.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

yep, what sparkles said. for me I had that anger she is talking about, which I felt a lot as loneliness, and throughout this has been the strongest emotion I feel, but it gradually changes phases. I think for me that loneliness started even before the separation, even before I found out about her infidelity and I think even before she actually cheated. In her words she had checked out over a year before and that seems like when loneliness took hold for me too.

It got very intense for me a couple months after separation, then I came to accept things, made some positive changes... lately as I've been trying to start dating (about 6 months out from separation, early for some, but I am at that brink of being ready) I've found that loneliness can be pretty intense again, but I know this will pass as I'm just in another stage of my recovery process, as you will be too.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Here Here!
Same story. 10 yr marriage, ruined by a cheating spouse.
The thoughts of their lives are often romanticized and unduly upgraded to something they are not, for some reason, its as if we like to torture ourselves. Nothing in the universe is going to spell happiness for a relationship born FROM two cheating people. My ex has become a meathole for another man already, and it was strange hearing her talk on the phone and succumb to his complaints of jealousy for her facebook posts. "well, I didnt know you felt that way,, I wont do it again..." ....
gee, six months ago I was a controlling Ass-hole for saying the same things to her about things she did. Now shes having to break her back to keep some scumbag interested in her....
So, its not all glitter and gold my friend. Dont let yourself put so much into them. I have to catch myself sometimes, because I do that too, and I remind myself, that Hey, Ive already gone thru the months of barely being able to eat anything, from constant nausea at the thought of my life's turn, at the almost consistent mental heartbreak I was in. 
Finally, I refuse to give it any more of my time. I put in enough heartwrenching for that, to satisfy my needs to. 
Go ahead and let yourself draw the line too.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Loneliness is the hardest part, and I'm still dealing with it after 6 months of living alone (and I'm the one who wanted a divorce). It's getting better, and I'm adjusting now. I moved to this state because my ex is from here, and I have no family or childhood friends here. My only friends are those I met in school and work. I hang out with these people occasionally and even went on a vacation with a co-worker who is also single. We had a great time, and it did wonders for me (my ex never wanted to go on vacation). I am considering moving closer to my family, but I have a good job here, and I'm stuck in a lease for now. 

For me, I find that the busier I am (especially on the weekends), the less depressed and lonely I get. It's still hard to make it through those weekends when I don't have plans to see anyone. Something that always makes me feel better is working out. I usually work out at home, but I'm thinking of joining a gym. I also joined some local meetup groups at meetup.com, and I'm going to start participating in those activities soon. I even went to a concert by myself a few weeks ago. It was a band I really wanted to see, and I didn't have anyone to go with. Rather than miss out on this opportunity, I went by myself. I ended up meeting a lot of great people and hung out with them. It was a lot of fun.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

You all have given solid info that really helps. And stepping out of the cozy routine is the catalyst, getting passed the fear of doing it alone is key.

You know I discovered I still have a PULSE. I saw a very attractive man (first one I have seen that did that thang) the other day, unfortunately he is married and too young. But I thanked God that I still had a pulse. 

I am alive!


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

A good thing to do is to find a house mate to rent an extra room.
Be picky and have a contract stating the conditions (if overnight guests are allowed, when noise is limited, if you don't want certain substances used, when rent is due and what happens if it isn't paid,etc.)
There are a lot of people out there who are looking for a home and can't afford one on their own or who like living with someone so they aren't so lonely. Cool people. People who have kids too by the way and share custody with exes.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I like chattycathy's "activist" solution. . .I think collaboration is a great reason to find a roomie. Heck. . .live in NJ near me? I'll rent you a room. With 3 boys, it's a frat house when they're here though, lol.

I do not think "loneliness" is a good reason though, to find a roomie.

Remember. . .you do have the gift of "solitude." I enjoy my solitude (and who knows if it IS solitude if I am posting on here, lol).

You may, in time, come to enjoy the solitude.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Totally srious when I say get a dog. I have a ****zu and love her to pieces. Even though my wife and I are happily married, I am a home body and my wife more of a joiner. 

When we had to put my dog down two years ago I lasted about two days with the silence and lackof movement. IT was like a morgue in my house. 

I told my wife and daughter to go get a dog. I cant imagine life without her. 

Also you have to learn about how cognitive distortion can cause depression. There is a thread on it on TAM.

They look like this

"I will never be happy"
"I will never find someone I can trust again"
"I always trust too much" 
"I just know I wont have any fun" 

You have to be aware of them so you dont start doing that and dperessing yourself more than necessary. It is a tough road back if you add to it. 

get a healthy outlook by understanding these snealy little thoughts that bring you down even further than you would be


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Oh, regarding the socioeconomic status and hers being raised and yours being lowered. . .that is a sucky thing to consider, I know.

A woman I dated once said, "Why is it every divorced father ends up in a trailer with a 1982 chevy pick-up?" lamenting I guess the choice of men on her plate, lol.

At one point, my ex-wife was pretty cozy with someone and they were talking about spending the rest of their lives together. I had to consider this guy may move into my old house, with my family. It really stuck in my craw to think I would be paying child support and they would get a double income household. . .but at the same time, I realized that the child support was for "my children", not his.

Even my kids (older 2) though once confided to me unsolicited BTW that it somehow seems unfair. I didn't show any sign of it being unfair. I told them, "No, child support is determined to be for you, not for mom." (which IS the truth)

You will have to re-examine what's important to you and be flexible what role you may assume in your kid's life as your father.

If she's cozying up with this doctor and living a high falootin' lifestyle AND you are paying child support on top of that. . .I would actually advise you (if you were my client or friend) to consider just renting a room and having scheduled visitation with kids, instead of overnights.

Really make that doctor think your kids, your genes, he's going to house them 100% of the time, he'll have to look at them. . .all he will get/she will get from you is visitation (and make the most of out of that - enjoy them, 1 on 1, together, whatever).

I am not saying this to be manipulative at all. . .but in a way, the kids will be housed and fed by this man and they are making this choice as a couple. . .you have the freedom to be Disney Dad, so get an efficiency apartment and live the lifestyle you're accorded.

It's great to downsize. Let her and doc fancypants upsize.

From one divorced dad to another. . .


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

BTW, as a follow-up. . .it will probably be on you to be the "Flexible Parent" in this case. 

The courts will see, for the kids, DocFancypants and ex-wife as the "stable force" in the kids lives (housing, routine) so they won't want to disrupt them (unless the guy turns out to be a creep or something).

So, to combat the "loneliness", go to the kids events, offer to take them out afterwards, take them for haircuts, whatever. . .nothing saying you can't be out and involved with your kids in public after your assigned parenting or visitation time.


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