# Dishearten



## Fran888 (Aug 26, 2015)

My husband of 18 years and I separated almost two weeks ago. I am devastated. He has Ptsd and was sexually abused by a leader of his church from 14-16 years of age. He has been in treatment for three years and has made some progress. In the meantime I have been left emotionally the entire time by him. I have listened, cried for him, encouraged him. We have also fought and hurt each other. He has told me that he wasn't "in love" with me. He left for a week (I asked him to), came back and stated he was depressed and didnt mean it. That was two years ago. We have basically been I a sexless marriage for these three years. Sex has always been a difficult topic for us due to his history of sexual abuse. Almost two weeks ago he calmly and flatly told me in a cathartic moment that he couldn't give love or receive love and that wouldn't change. He has never been sexually attracted to me or anybody and that wouldn't change. He denies being homosexual and I believe him. He knows I am beautiful but doesn't find me sexuall attractive. I was crushed by this as he has always stated he does desire me sexually and loves me. I asked him to leave. I stated that I didn't want a divorce but I was hurt deeply. He had his testosterone levels checked and they are very low. This coupled with his mental health issues paint a clearer picture of his lack of sexual desire. 

Since that time he has turned very cold toward me and is wanting to divorce. He feels our issues are not repairable and that I am incapable of change. He is very (rightly) angry that I asked him to leave. I have stated my deep regret over asking him to leave but he doesn't want to hear me. We have gone to a counseling session and will go again this week. I am at a loss. My children are hurt. He's hurt and I am hurt. I believe these issues are fixable but only if both are willing to work. He isn't willing to meet me halfway he says at this point. I am a good wife, faithful, loving, and caring. I am not sure how to proceed at this point. Anything I say drives him further way. Help


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Fran,

I'm not sure what sort of help you're seeking here, based on your post. He's made it clear how he feels, you're clear how you feel. You even mentioned something in your own post that I think anyone here would point out:



Dishearten said:


> I believe these issues are fixable but only if both are willing to work. *He isn't willing to meet me halfway he says at this point.*


He has to want to repair the marriage for there to be any healing. It sounds like he is very damaged and maybe hasn't taken the effort to really go and heal himself.

What has he learned from his therapy?

You can't nice a man back if he's unwilling. His depression and damage from the abuse is something that needs a lot of intense work with a good therapist (sounds like he's already there so that's good)... and to put it bluntly, he has to do this work *without you.* You can't help him down this path, only he can do it, and IF he goes through the therapy and is healed for a few years, then maybe he will feel ready to be able to give the relationship another go. That's his choice.

I wouldn't be hard on yourself for asking him to leave. He told you the kind of man he was, then he's been acting like it... so when are you going to start believing what he is showing you?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

I am sorry to say that if you want him back half way isnt good enough. You have to give him the whole way. You dont tell us much about your disagreements and I am sure they are not just sexual. After 18 years he should have long forgotten what went on before that. You 'played' on asking him to leave and lost. You dont tell us what he wants you to change. Being beautiful isnt always enough for a man. You need a good counselor not one who just takes your money and makes sure you come back. He doesnt seem to want to leave you.


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## Fran888 (Aug 26, 2015)

our central disagreements surround, for me, love and sexual issues. After his breakdown he checked out of our marriage and was in personal (understandably) survival mode. He had nothing to give to me or our kids. I've basically taken care of everything from chores, children, etc. since his breakdown. I've spent these years encouraging him through his process as best as I knew how. He has zapped all my mental energy because it was such a dramatic change (he was nearly catatonic and suicidal for almost a year). For years he has stated that he desires me, etc and then this time, I think, he was honest with me about his attitude toward sex, which considering his low testosterone now makes perfect sense. He is getting better but marriage is hard work and he has been skating by essentially without having to put in any effort. He needed that time and I understand but it can't continue on indefinitely I guess (maybe it can - "in sickness and in health"?). My emotional support doesn't come from him for the most part and every conversation is about regular household, daily stuff or his feelings, emotions, therapy, revelations, and moods. He stated in therapy that he emotionally abandoned me but then turned around and said it wasn't true. Right now he's severely depressed and not thinking clearly. I think he thinks he will just bury himself into work alone, send us money and live in peace without having to deal with real relationships (including his children). The damage he's creating following this faulty logic is undeniable. Both his va therapist and our marriage therapist said this was fixable but he continues to say it's probably not (he changes with this from maybe it can be to it can't be). His coldness is the hardest thing to take right now. The only conversation he will have with me is about the kids. We are talking everyday and he has agreed to counseling tomorrow. I don't even know how to act with him. Apologies make him enraged. Saying this is fixable angers him. Distance might be the only thing he can deal with. I am not sure.


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## Fran888 (Aug 26, 2015)

I realized I pretty much just repeated everything I said earlier. I am exhausted at this point - working all day and doing kid stuff the rest of the night.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

There is little you can do if he is not willing to work on himself. He has a therapist for the sexual abuser, is that not helping? Maybe the therapist has to be changed? 
You need to protect yourself and the kids. Tell him you love him and will be there for him when he she is ready but you are not going down in a sinking ship with him. Practice a form of the 180 to emotionally detach and concentrate on yourself and your children. You need you to be strong for them. You should consider therapy/ counselling for yourself and leave the MC aside for now. As two broken people, you need individual help first.


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Fran,
Please go to this site and register. Read.
www dot supportforpartners dot org/

You are dealing with a CSA who cracked open and unleashed all sorts of adult manifestations.
You will not be encouraged by what you read. He will probably, if not already, had sexual relations with others who are not "close" to him. You have become (in a way) his abuser by becoming very close.
Sorry you are here.


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## Fran888 (Aug 26, 2015)

I registered for the site mentioned and will see what I can learn from there. The whole situation is crushing.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Stop talking so much. There's no magic button to fix this.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Fran I haven't been able to go through each of your posts but from what I gather counseling is a relatively new venture for the two of you. Is that correct? 

If so, I think he should start individual counseling as well as counseling with you. If he's not gay but not attracted to you, it seems very likely that there are a lot of problems out there that need to get cleared out. Once they are I believe a healthy sexual life would be plausible for the two of you. 

Stay strong. Come to terms with what you want, who you are and who he is. So sorry you're going through this.


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## Fran888 (Aug 26, 2015)

Thank you for this post. He didn't show up to mc this last week because if traffic. We talk occasionally but that's tapering down. He states in an indirect way that he wants to,work on things but I am not sure how as we are barely talking. He's avoiding even discussing household things. I am trying to sort out my plans and finances without him as he states he'll do,things and then doesn't follow through like signing us up for insurance, paying certain bills, etc. I am preparing for the worst and hoping for the best. He's in individual counseling but I am not sure his current counselor is a right fit but again he's not saying too much about the counselor so I can't really tell. He says he likes our mc, which is good as he has issues with authority. 

In mc counseling we had to list our negative reactions. Mine were antimosity, anger, fight and freezing (opposite reactions depending on the situation - I'll freeze him out to avoid and argument but once it comes to a head I'll engage in an argument). His included rage, red, bulldog (follows me around instead of giving me time to process), revenge and negative body language. He completely blacks out when he gets that full of rage and doesn't realize he's in my face screaming at me nor is he aware of what he says during those moments. 

He's still extremely angry I asked him to leave during a heated, in my face argument. He says something broke or snapped. I've asked forgiveness for this, and expressed my reasons for asking him to leave but I just don't think he can get over it. It seems like an ultimate rejection or betrayal to him. I know how he feels because I've felt the way he's felt many times before. Logically I knew I wanted to hold on to my bitterness and keep a distance even though it was counterproductive to who I am and how I want to be. Love is a choice that is demonstrated through actions. I suspect his judgment is clouded by depression and he's feeding a negative loop in his head. Suddenly I am the most terrible person, weak and unable to,handle stress, things I've never heard before, which I strongly disagree with (I've been essentially a single mom for three years as he checked out of life when he had his breakdown and everything has fallen on my shoulders). I take care of all household responsibilities and all child-related issues. He was responsible for obtaining insurance through his job, which he didn't do for one reason or another, paying the mortgage and working. That's it and I am not kidding. I take care of all repairs, yard work, all the other bills, emotional and physical well being of my children, etc. 

Sorry for all the typos. It's late.


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