# Losing desire



## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

Hello... My husband and I have been together 13 years (married for 3). He is the only person I have been with sexually. Lately I have not been having a desire to have sex with him. I want to though but I think the issue is him. This morning for instance, we were having sex and after about 30 minutes into it he tells me it doesn't I don't feel the same, he cums, then gets up and walks in the other room. This isn't the first time he has said something like this. He has even accused me of cheating, which I have not. It makes me feel undesirable. Plus we never kiss or cuddle regularly after sex. I'm just confused. I feel as though something is wrong with me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Geez, I can't image any woman being thrilled to jump into bed with that. Nothing is wrong with you. 
Have you told him that kissing and cuddling after sex are important to you? Does he do a lot before and during sex to turn you on and make sure you enjoy it? 

As with feeling different, have you had children? Women's vaginas can change all the time, even just during the month. Is he masturbating as well?


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## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

Yes I've told him that I like kissing and cuddling. I hate to feel like an object before and after sex. Don't get me wrong 95% of the time I am satisfied when we have sex. But as far as initiating sex or having that drive I do not have much of that. Oh and yeah I'm sure he masturbates. We have 2 kids. And I've told him that having kids, and other factors can be the the reason as to why I feel "different" to him. Just seeing his reaction just makes me not even bother. He was such a jerk this morning for sure!


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## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

peacem said:


> Nothing wrong with you. What are things like beforehand? Passionate sex often follows other things like flirting, touching, teasing - long before you even get to the bedroom. Men like to be teased, women like to be chased a little. It sounds like you are just going through the motions without emotional intimacy. This is what makes sex really great. In fact it is essential.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He told me that it (my vagina) doesn't feel the same. Most times our sex starts with him grabbing or groping me to get me turned on. I've told him several times I'm not an object so I'd like to be put in the mood emotionally prior to physically having sex. I can't be into wanting or having sex with him knowing that at any moment he will say crap to make me feel undesirable.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Oh, I get it. He claims that something feels different to him down there.

like SGC says the feeling can change. In fact come ti think of it, when with my wife, somethings we will go three times (before we're satisfied). Each time she can feel different down there. So what?
Its all good.

not wanting to be too judemental because we just got a snippit of info on your hubby, but the
little you say he comes off as a bit of a brute.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

deepresentment said:


> He told me that it (my vagina) doesn't feel the same. Most times our sex starts with him grabbing or groping me to get me turned on. I've told him several times I'm not an object so I'd like to be put in the mood emotionally prior to physically having sex. I can't be into wanting or having sex with him knowing that at any moment he will say crap to make me feel undesirable.


Then put your foot down. Until he can put you in the mood emotionally, stop with the comments, and stop leaving right after sex, you won't be participating.


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## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

jorgegene said:


> Oh, I get it. He claims that something feels different to him down there.
> 
> like SGC says the feeling can change. In fact come ti think of it, when with my wife, somethings we will go three times (before we're satisfied). Each time she can feel different down there. So what?
> Its all good.
> ...



No worries I can't say I disagree with you.


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## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> deepresentment said:
> 
> 
> > He told me that it (my vagina) doesn't feel the same. Most times our sex starts with him grabbing or groping me to get me turned on. I've told him several times I'm not an object so I'd like to be put in the mood emotionally prior to physically having sex. I can't be into wanting or having sex with him knowing that at any moment he will say crap to make me feel undesirable.
> ...



I agree


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

deepresentment said:


> I agree


Just make sure to communicate it well. Sometimes when sex stops they notice only that as symptom and not what why it happened to begin with, especially if the partner stopping doesn't fully communicate the reasons.

So be clear that "I will not have sex with you until you ___________"
and say it every time he brings it up or tries to initiate sex without first turning you on emotionally. If it gets passed that and he makes a comment during, stop and leave. 

At the same time make sure you stay open to his initiation when he does meet your needs.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

deepresentment said:


> I feel as though something is wrong with me.


That in itself is your problem and you need to tell him this, "As a lover you make me feel like I am broken! Is that your goal?"

Then explain that you would never want to do anything to make him feel that way and be sincere. Ask him what HE NEEDS in order to feel loved? Then ask him to ask you that same question. 

Be patient, and allow yourself to be vulnerable. 

If he accuses you of whatever and tries to make you feel inadequate while at the same time he walks away and withdraws, that is what you call a passive aggressive temper tantrum! Tell him exactly this, "If you want to be childish and throw a passive aggressive temper tantrum, the only thing that will accomplish is to make me feel like I am married to a baby. I need to feel like I am married to a man, so be confident in knowing that I love you and that I want to make you feel loved!"

Badsanta


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## amber74747474 (Oct 24, 2015)

What does he mean when he says you don't feel the same? Can you ask him to be specific with you. Also why does he think your cheating?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

deepresentment said:


> Yes I've told him that I like kissing and cuddling.* I hate to feel like an object before and after sex.* Don't get me wrong 95% of the time I am satisfied when we have sex. But as far as initiating sex or having that *drive I do not have much of that. Oh and yeah I'm sure he masturbates.* We have 2 kids. And I've told him that having kids, and other factors can be the the reason as to why I feel "different" to him. Just seeing his reaction just makes me not even bother. He was such a jerk this morning for sure!





amber74747474 said:


> What does he mean when he says you don't feel the same? Can you ask him to be specific with you. Also why does he think your cheating?



Odds are he can tell she is not sexually responding to him that well since she is not initiating or she is likely stressed when he tries to initiate, and for him initiating and aftercare is likely stressful since she claims she feels like an object. 

I have to imagine that making love this way comes across as "angry" and "starfish" at the same time. And while it may not be good to speculate any further, it is likely she does not understand how and why he gets aroused since he seems perfectly OK masturbating without her and likely using porn.

It seems to be the perfect storm of "men do not talk about their feelings" and she "has self confidence issues" since she feels something is wrong with her. Odds are if he told her that she was the most beautiful woman in the world and that she aroused him, because she feels broken she would assume that him saying that is a lie to manipulate her to have sex, subsequently she would feel threatened thinking that her husband is lying to her, thus making his sexual initiation feel like standing in front of a train wreck! 

Yes "something" will feel different to him. Not understanding she has a lack of self confidence, and being an idiot (as most men are including myself sometimes) he will find something else to blame other than himself and accuse her of cheating. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## deepresentment (Nov 7, 2015)

What does he mean when he says you don't feel the same? Can you ask him to be specific with you. Also why does he think your cheating?

He meant my vg felt different. And I agree with the the guy who answered that my husband uses that as a cop out to not address the real issue.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Could he be cheating? I know it is said a lot around here that if one person accuses the other of cheating that often it's because they are cheating themselves. Could be why you feel "different" to him. 

Has he attempted to have sex with you since you started this thread? Have you put your foot down and told him what is required? If so, how did he react?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Could be a change in his sensation due to change in testosterone levels. Or his mentality toward you for some reason.

Couple years ago I might last 10 min. And was very excited to make love to my wife.
I had a lot of built up resentment toward he for the way she treated me. Her past hubby was a serial cheater and I dealt with innuendos and cutting remarks for 15 yrs.

I finally said **** you and dumped 15 yrs of resentment in her lap. She thought all was good but I'm secretly brooding for a long time. Finally got to my breaking point.

I had also started testosterone injections for low T. Maybe that got me out of being passive whipping boy ( FOO related). 

After the blow up when having sex, if I could maintain an erection with her, now i could go PIV 45 min to 1.25 hr. Now i see her faults and wrinkles. Wife goggles were slapped off.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Point is the sensation also changed and was not as intense. I could still feel some sensation but would hit a wall. Could go for an hour and not reach climax.


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## JamesTKirk (Sep 8, 2015)

I'm with BadSanta on this. "Odds are he can tell she is not sexually responding to him that well since she is not initiating or she is likely stressed when he tries to initiate, and for him initiating and aftercare is likely stressful since she claims she feels like an object. 

I have to imagine that making love this way comes across as "angry" and "starfish" at the same time. And while it may not be good to speculate any further, it is likely she does not understand how and why he gets aroused since he seems perfectly OK masturbating without her and likely using porn."

I've had a somewhat similar issue in the past couple of years, and it is mostly her, not me. Don't get me wrong. I've examined every way I can step up on my end and made great efforts. I'm careful to never blame her or anyone for my problems and take responsibility for my situations but a lot of it is just her in this case.

My wife has lost almost all interest in having sex except, if I'm lucky, once a month when she's fertile. Only lately after a discussion about it has she been making occasional attempts to show interest or seduce me. This is apparently due to a combination of age and postpartum hormonal changes and simply a reduced sex drive. We could go a month and she'd never initiate and never give sex two seconds of thought. It's like having sex just doesn't occur to her most days until I bring it up. It started to feel like we were platonic friends. It really sucks because most of our 20 years together she was quite sexual with me. And it's not as if I got ugly all of a sudden.

And when we do have sex when she's not interested, the sex isn't good. It feels like she's just there to be a body for me to get off on, and I don't want that. She's said things like "I'm available to you" and "I want to do my duty as a wife to satisfy you sexually." But what's she's not saying is that she wants to be with me (sexually.) It makes me angry, resentful, and depressed like "why they hell doesn't she want me anymore!?" One night I lost it and started crying (and I don't ever cry or get sad) and she tried to convince me it was all in my own head like she hadn't changed at all.

So it doesn't feel right. Bad sex when she doesn't seem to be enjoying it doesn't feel right and I've been know to just stop because I know I can't have an orgasm when I'm having sex with a woman that's not enjoying it. I don't rage-quit like deepresentment's husband, I just politely stop and go masturbate later if I have to.

So what has worked for me?
Well, for one I did have a constructive, positive, non-judgmental conversation about her a few months ago. She doesn't like to talk about our sex life, relationship, or feelings much but I got her to. She sort of started to understand how I felt (undesired.) She explained her lack of sex drive, how she felt about me, and discussed ways we can improve our sex life, and it has.

I've always know that alcohol is a magic ingredient with her, so I've made sure she gets a glass of wine, otherwise she won't loosen up enough. Then we have great sex. In the past moths it seems like we've had some of the best sex in our entire relationship.
Still I'm mystified why she can be so incredibly sexually satisfied with multiple long orgasms, go on and no about how great the sex was and how much she needed it, yet be a sphynx for the next two weeks and not even think about sex as if she forgot how great it was. And if I do try to have sex with her, she starts off with almost negative interest until I can get her turned on enough (if I can) without alcohol. If I get her drunk, then no problem

I've stepped up the romance, though that doesn't seem like it was ever really the problem. I've also been giving her more massages lately which help with the intimacy.

Sorry to go on and on about me. I'm just trying to paint a picture of what I perceive to be the other side of this, how I feel as a husband to a woman with no sex drive. I don't want to say you are the problem, and for all I know it has nothing to do with you. I've just talked to a lot of guys who's wives have significantly lost sex drive and I hear the same thing over an over, that they don't feel wanted and that she doesn't seem to be into it most of the time.

We don't always want to just F a piece of meet. We want to feel like we're sexually and intimately desired.

There are things you can do to help your sex drive. Make sure you get enough vitamin D for one, it helps with hormones. Also you can try taking Maca root extract. It's supposed to help with a woman's testosterone hormone balance. Look it up and try taking it for 30 days (it won't hurt to try) and see if it makes any difference in how you feel. I can't get my wife to try maca.
There is also Horny Goat Weed. Don't laugh. I does help women's libido as well as a man's (if it works.)

You could try to take DHEA (a pre-hormone) but I recommend against that without consulting a doctor. It could result in too much testosterone for a woman.

Finally to my advice. You have to talk to him about his feelings. See if you can find out if he's feeling upset that you're not interested in him, make sure he knows you don't feel that way, tell him how you feel about him, and maybe work on some constructive advice on how you two can improve your sex life so that you're both happy.


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