# Husband's female friend



## spunkycat08

I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.

The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.

His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.

She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.

All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place **my husband's male friend** .

There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...


his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
Her replies are this....


It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while

Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.


you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
you need to get out more
you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
You need to attend bible study
He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.

Does she come across as pushy?
Does she come across as overbearing?

What is a good way to co-exist with her?
How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers? 
Who should approach her?


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.
> 
> The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.
> 
> His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.
> 
> She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.
> 
> All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place **my husband's male friend** .
> 
> There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...
> 
> 
> his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
> he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
> Her replies are this....
> 
> 
> It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
> There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while
> 
> Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.
> 
> 
> you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
> you need to get out more
> you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
> I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
> You need to attend bible study
> He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.
> 
> Does she come across as pushy?
> Does she come across as overbearing?
> 
> What is a good way to co-exist with her?
> How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers?
> Who should approach her?


What are you concerned about in these things that you stated about your husband's friends?


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> What are you concerned about in these things that you stated about your husband's friends?


I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.

I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.


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## tacoma

spunkycat08 said:


> I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.
> 
> I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.


Well, I have no problem with the content of what she's saying (I agree with her actually) but I'm not present for the attitude with which she says it so I'm probably missing something.


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## PBear

You should keep your nose out of their business and ignore her comments. If you want to do anything, suggest her husband send his (male) friend here, and we'll wise him up. Or he could suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" (two books).

C


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> I do not like dealing with pushy behavior as well as over bearing behavior.
> 
> I am trying to figure out if her behavior could be considered pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to best deal with it.


Has she ever not respected your boundaries or attempted to push you into something you don't want to do? The one example you gave may be something he agreed with her on which may be why he didn't say anything. You do not really know the details of their relationship. If she were to abuse him, that would make me uncomfortable too. If she abusive and disrespectful of people's boundaries or is she just outspoken?


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## spunkycat08

PBear said:


> You should keep your nose out of their business and ignore her comments. If you want to do anything, suggest her husband send his (male) friend here, and we'll wise him up. Or he could suggest "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Married Man's Sex Life Primer" (two books).
> 
> C


PBear:

Are you telling me to keep my nose out of my husband's male friend and his female friend's business?

I am just stating what has happened.

Your reply is confusing to me.


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## PBear

Yes, keep your nose out of their relationship. 

C


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## spunkycat08

PBear said:


> Yes, keep your nose out of their relationship.
> 
> C


OK.

PBear...

Exactly where in my post does it indicate that I am sticking my nose into their relationship?

The post is about her behavior and what she has said and done.

Exactly why did you post that I need to keep my nose out of their relationship?

This post is about her behavior and how to deal with it regarding our marriage.


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## PBear

spunkycat08 said:


> OK.
> 
> PBear...
> 
> Exactly where in my post does it indicate that I am sticking my nose into their relationship?
> 
> The post is about her behavior and what she has said and done.
> 
> Exactly why did you post that I need to keep my nose out of their relationship?
> 
> This post is about her behavior and how to deal with it regarding our marriage.


You want (or want someone else) to "approach" her, presumably for her comments which you feel are pushy and overbearing. Her comments (from what I can tell in your original post) are directed at her boyfriend. Therefore, that's THEIR relationship, and you should (IMHO) stay out of it. If he (the boyfriend) doesn't like being treated like a child while out in public, then he (the boyfriend) should tell her to zip it. You trying to "approach" her is sticking your nose in their business. 

If you and your husband are uncomfortable being stuck in the middle, don't hang out with them any more. If either of them ask why you don't do things together any more, tell them that you're uncomfortable with their dynamic (parent/child), and prefer to hang out with two grownups. Or something to that effect.

C


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> Has she ever not respected your boundaries or attempted to push you into something you don't want to do? The one example you gave may be something he agreed with her on which may be why he didn't say anything. You do not really know the details of their relationship. If she were to abuse him, that would make me uncomfortable too. If she abusive and disrespectful of people's boundaries or is she just outspoken?


Ok.

Seems like I need to clarify things...

This post is regarding how to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.

I just gave examples of what she is like.

I am not interested in getting in the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend.

When my husband and I were in a serious dating relationship, she sent him a text letting him know that she wanted him to come over to her place to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling, 2) have dinner with her at her place, 3) watch t.v. or a movie, 4) stay up late talking, 5) spend the night at her place on her couch while she slept in her bed and 6) go out for breakfast the following morning.

She already knew that the two of us were in a serious dating relationship. The 4 of us would hang out at her place or go out for dinner. She was only friends with my husband's male friend at this time. 

I let my husband **who was my boyfriend at that time**that I did not feel comfortable with the entire situation. He let her know how I felt. She insisted that this was not a date, but I just did not feel comfortable about the entire situation. He let her know that he could not come over. She chose not to speak to him for several months.

I am trying to figure out if she could be considered to be a pushy person based on what I have already mentioned as well as what I mentioned in this reply, and the best way to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.


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## spunkycat08

PBear said:


> You want (or want someone else) to "approach" her, presumably for her comments which you feel are pushy and overbearing. Her comments (from what I can tell in your original post) are directed at her boyfriend. Therefore, that's THEIR relationship, and you should (IMHO) stay out of it. If he (the boyfriend) doesn't like being treated like a child while out in public, then he (the boyfriend) should tell her to zip it. You trying to "approach" her is sticking your nose in their business.
> 
> If you and your husband are uncomfortable being stuck in the middle, don't hang out with them any more. If either of them ask why you don't do things together any more, tell them that you're uncomfortable with their dynamic (parent/child), and prefer to hang out with two grownups. Or something to that effect.
> 
> C


PBear:

I do not want to stick my nose into anyone's business.

This post is about her comments directed toward my husband and me. I guess you could say that she is acting like a parent towards my husband and me. I do not like that behavior.

I just gave examples of how she acts so I could figure out if she is pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to proceed regarding her comments directed toward my husband and me.

I do not want to approach her regarding her relationship with her male friend.

I want to approach her regarding her friendship with the two of us.


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## PBear

spunkycat08 said:


> PBear:
> 
> I do not want to stick my nose into anyone's business.
> 
> This post is about her comments directed toward my husband and me. I guess you could say that she is acting like a parent towards my husband and me. I do not like that behavior.
> 
> I just gave examples of how she acts so I could figure out if she is pushy or over bearing, and if so, how to proceed regarding her comments directed toward my husband and me.
> 
> I do not want to approach her regarding her relationship with her male friend.
> 
> I want to approach her regarding her friendship with the two of us.


Sorry to be dense, but more clarification is needed (for me). What do her actions years ago when you and your husband (then boyfriend) have to do with how she treats you and your husband now? How does the way she treats her boyfriend have anything to do with how she treats the two of you now?

In other words... What actions that she's doing NOW are you thinking you need to change? 

C


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> Ok.
> 
> Seems like I need to clarify things...
> 
> This post is regarding how to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.
> 
> I just gave examples of what she is like.
> 
> I am not interested in getting in the middle of her relationship with her boyfriend.
> 
> When my husband and I were in a serious dating relationship, she sent him a text letting him know that she wanted him to come over to her place to 1) hang stuff from her ceiling, 2) have dinner with her at her place, 3) watch t.v. or a movie, 4) stay up late talking, 5) spend the night at her place on her couch while she slept in her bed and 6) go out for breakfast the following morning.
> 
> She already knew that the two of us were in a serious dating relationship. The 4 of us would hang out at her place or go out for dinner. She was only friends with my husband's male friend at this time.
> 
> I let my husband **who was my boyfriend at that time**that I did not feel comfortable with the entire situation. He let her know how I felt. She insisted that this was not a date, but I just did not feel comfortable about the entire situation. He let her know that he could not come over. She chose not to speak to him for several months.
> 
> I am trying to figure out if she could be considered to be a pushy person based on what I have already mentioned as well as what I mentioned in this reply, and the best way to deal with her behavior concerning our marriage.


I see. So you guys have known her for a while and she basically propositioned your boyfriend, now husband, while you were dating. And she knew you were dating. I can see why you would feel uncomfortable then. The interaction between her current boyfriend and her are between them. It sounds like you are angry with her for some past stuff. I mean, do you feel like you can trust your husband with her? Are you afraid she is going to convince him to have an affair with her? Have you talked with your husband? It is important to your relationship to feel like you can trust your husband. If that is an issue, it should be dealt with. So no matter what setting you are in, you can trust him and it doesn't matter what she does. But if you are truly uncomfortable with her because of past behavior maybe you should just refrain from going anywhere with them.


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> I see. So you guys have known her for a while and she basically propositioned your boyfriend, now husband, while you were dating. And she knew you were dating. I can see why you would feel uncomfortable then. The interaction between her current boyfriend and her are between them. It sounds like you are angry with her for some past stuff. I mean, do you feel like you can trust your husband with her? Are you afraid she is going to convince him to have an affair with her? Have you talked with your husband? It is important to your relationship to feel like you can trust your husband. If that is an issue, it should be dealt with. So no matter what setting you are in, you can trust him and it doesn't matter what she does. But if you are truly uncomfortable with her because of past behavior maybe you should just refrain from going anywhere with them.


I do trust my husband.

I felt that her behavior was pushy back then. 

Yes, I have spoken with my husband. He knows how I feel about her. Her pushiness gets on my nerves.

What I mentioned is an example of her pushiness.


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> I do trust my husband.
> 
> I felt that her behavior was pushy back then.
> 
> Yes, I have spoken with my husband. He knows how I feel about her. Her pushiness gets on my nerves.
> 
> What I mentioned is an example of her pushiness.


I would stay out of the relationship between she and her boyfriend. I mean what are you going to do anyway? If you feel bullied by her just push back. Or just stop hanging out with her.


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> I would stay out of the relationship between she and her boyfriend. I mean what are you going to do anyway? If you feel bullied by her just push back. Or just stop hanging out with her.


I *do not* want to get in the middle of anyone's relationship much less their relationship. That was already posted in an earlier reply of mine.

Her pushiness gets on my nerves regarding *our *marriage.


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> I *do not* want to get in the middle of anyone's relationship much less their relationship. That was already posted in an earlier reply of mine.
> 
> Her pushiness gets on my nerves regarding *our *marriage.


What you posted in your first post has nothing to with you. What is she doing to affect your marriage now? Is she trying to get involved in how you and your husband interact? Are you able to confront her when you feel she is being inappropriate?


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> What you posted in your first post has nothing to with you. What is she doing to affect your marriage now? Is she trying to get involved in how you and your husband interact? Are you able to confront her when you feel she is being inappropriate?


Regarding her replies to what my husband tells her...

I end up explaining why his doctor wants him to watch his fatty food intake or why I get frustrated when he keeps on spending money. I feel that this is not necessary. Hence the reason why I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with her behavior.


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## Pooh Bear

spunkycat08 said:


> Regarding her replies to what my husband tells her...
> 
> I end up explaining why his doctor wants him to watch his fatty food intake or why I get frustrated when he keeps on spending money. I feel that this is not necessary. Hence the reason why I am trying to figure out the best way to deal with her behavior.


Tell her it is none of her business. If she is asking personal questions you can just let her know you are not comfortable sharing that information. Hopefully she respects your boundaries. If she keeps pushing you might have to reconsider the relationship. 

I am having similar problems with a friend's girlfriend who keeps pushing after we say no to something. She started calling herself Aunt to our son although we had only really known her for 3 months and gave him a Christmas present we were not comfortable with without asking. Luckily he is young enough that he doesn't know the difference. When we tried to give the gift back she refused to take it. We had to go to dinner with our friend individually and give the gift to him and let him know we were not comfortable accepting the gift. They are getting married and frankly we may have to reconsider the relationship or keep a pretty big distance. Especially since our son is involved.


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## PBear

Ok, I see where my confusion came from. I thought those first two examples were her comments to her boyfriend, not to your husband. There's two "he's" in your story.

So... Those two things, if people are discussing topics at dinner, don't come across as being overbearing or pushy. They could very easily just be someone expressing their opinions on something that came up in conversation. Just because it doesn't match with your opinion doesn't make her overbearing. 

C


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## NextTimeAround

I get your concerns about this bossy woman in your life, particularly when your husband insists on what a good friend she is (to him).

After this thread, now you know to be clear on how she treats you and your husband. Otherwise, mentioning her behavior towards others will only get you framed as busybody.

If I were in your position, I would share your concern. Has your husband ever used "But my friend says...." as a justification to do something, particularly when it goes against what you want? Has your husband ever chided you for not being to this woman?

If I were in your position, I would

1. Redirect your social efforts to widen your social circles
2. Whenever you can avoid this woman, (ie not invite her and yes, your husband's friend somewhere), I would do it
3. Encourage your husband to go out with his friend without her (but make sure it is without her)
4. think of some all purpose returns so that when she does become bossy, you can verbally confront it. For example, "and your point is......." (said in a friendly tone of course), might slow her bossiness down.


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## daisybush

if you really think that your husband friend is really making problem in your life I think you should ask him directly about her and ask him question what is relation with her. Be direct in relation and dnt waste your time in life. so that you can take decision as per that. Good luck


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## spunkycat08

Pooh Bear said:


> I see. So you guys have known her for a while and she basically propositioned your boyfriend, now husband, while you were dating. And she knew you were dating. I can see why you would feel uncomfortable then. The interaction between her current boyfriend and her are between them. It sounds like you are angry with her for some past stuff. I mean, do you feel like you can trust your husband with her? Are you afraid she is going to convince him to have an affair with her? Have you talked with your husband? It is important to your relationship to feel like you can trust your husband. If that is an issue, it should be dealt with. So no matter what setting you are in, you can trust him and it doesn't matter what she does. But if you are truly uncomfortable with her because of past behavior maybe you should just refrain from going anywhere with them.


My husband's female friend insisted that she was not about to have sex with him at that time. But, that is not the only way to cheat with someone's significant other. Emotional cheating exists.

My husband is the kind of guy whom females would come to for a shoulder to cry on, for advice regarding their personal problems, and so on.

I was not about to deal with my husband **who was boyfriend at that time** having an emotional affair with a female friend of his. I did not learn about emotional affairs until after she asked him to come over to her place alone on a Friday night. 

We were in a serious relationship. I did not want a third party being involved in our relationship.


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## sisters359

She made comments directed at your husband. She's entitled to her opinion and to share it with her friend. She wasn't addressing you, and yet you feel the need to explain to her why he should not eat fatty food or whatever. 

Let it go. She's not telling you what to do in any of your examples. And if she does, who cares? It is just her opinion, and you are free to take it or leave it.

I suspect you feel threatened by her and so you react defensively to what you perceive as her "pushy" behavior. If you feel threatened, that is between you and your husband--either you trust him or you don't. Taking it out on her by interpreting her behaviors as you do is a sign that you actually don't. Who the heck cares what she thinks, after all, when he is married to you? And if he takes her advice sometimes, that is no threat to your marriage--at least, not from anything you have said. So relax, figure out what is "fun" about her (there must be some reason your spouse enjoys her company) and take her at face value. You will feel better for letting go of your worries--or for addressing them, if you decide she really is a threat (and that is a whole 'nother issue).

Good luck.


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## NextTimeAround

sisters359 said:


> She made comments directed at your husband. She's entitled to her opinion and to share it with her friend. She wasn't addressing you, and yet you feel the need to explain to her why he should not eat fatty food or whatever.
> 
> Let it go. She's not telling you what to do in any of your examples. And if she does, who cares? It is just her opinion, and you are free to take it or leave it.
> 
> I suspect you feel threatened by her and so you react defensively to what you perceive as her "pushy" behavior. If you feel threatened, that is between you and your husband--either you trust him or you don't. Taking it out on her by interpreting her behaviors as you do is a sign that you actually don't. Who the heck cares what she thinks, after all, when he is married to you? And if he takes her advice sometimes, that is no threat to your marriage--at least, not from anything you have said. So relax, figure out what is "fun" about her (there must be some reason your spouse enjoys her company) and take her at face value. You will feel better for letting go of your worries--or for addressing them, if you decide she really is a threat (and that is a whole 'nother issue).
> 
> Good luck.


Oh dear, where is the "dislike" button?


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## spunkycat08

NextTimeAround said:


> Oh dear, where is the "dislike" button?


Thank you.


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## ConanHub

spunky. This "friend" of your husband is ridiculous!

If I were in your shoes when dating my wife, I would say that friend has to go.

If a man friend of my wife had invited her to spend the night at his house wile she was first dating me and then been pushy when told no........

let us just say there are places where no ne will ever find you.....

Establish your boundaries with this wench. You might want to let your husband know that fireworks are coming out of consideration.

Next time this presumptuous woman starts pushing about issues in your marriage ABOUT YOUR HUSBAND, stop her cold by breaking her line of sight to your husband and tell her she can shove all the fatty food down her throat she wants and spend as much money as she wants but YOUR husband is none of her business.

Sounds like this friend is very self important and no respecter of boundaries. It also sounds like your husband is somewhat weak concerning keeping appropriate boundaries with this friend.

Lay it out for him. He better start protecting his marriage at the cost of this "friend" or this friend might end up costing him his marriage.

This stupid friendship has already caused enough distress to your marriage as is.

Time for your H to grow up. He is acting more like a boy than man concerning this issue.


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## ConanHub

NextTimeAround said:


> Oh dear, where is the "dislike" button?


Right here......DISLIKE......:smthumbup:

There!!


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## SimplyAmorous

Pushy boundaryless people are not the type we want as friends.. if more could learn that sort of behavior will lose them friendships, the better.. Her even asking for him to spend the night KNOWING HE was in a serious relationship.. are you kidding... Your BF should have stood up to her immediately on that one.. without your having to say a word.. (Yrs ago now though... I know).. 

You haven't said too much about WHERE your Husband stands in all of this.. what does he think of her behavior, does he think she pushes the bar ?? Or he makes excuses for her & tells you to lighten up.. just trying to gauge the situation here... if you're on the same page in regards to her.

I also think when a couple marries.. his friends become hers.. her friends become his..it's a Union now.. and needs to be recognized in all ways.. if she is undermining what is important to his welfare, knowing where you stand.. it would feel like a JAB.. though if she has no idea you feel as you do, and she's just throwing out personal opinions, it's on a lessor scale really. some people are just more outspoken over others.. 

Do you feel he is ON YOUR SIDE and probably even feels bad for his friend -having to deal with her ..... these are the things I would wonder if your shoes , I guess.


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## batsociety

Sounds to me like you don't like her because you don't like your husband being friends with someone who is a) a woman and b) his ex. It doesn't actually have a whole lot to do with her pushiness. She just makes you uncomfortable.

But ignoring that: Seeing as you've already told your husband how you feel about his friend, I think the best thing you can do is just grin and bear it. If you really can't stand her, just spend less time with her. If your husband is invited out for dinner, play the sick card. Whatever! 

Just remember, there is a reason why your husband has remained friends with her throughout this time. He obviously sees value in her company. Just because you don't like her behavior does not necessarily mean he feels the same - no two people are exactly alike, his taste in companions is obviously going to be different to yours. 

This opinion might be unpopular because I see most people here are also not okay with their spouses having opposite sex friends. I think that's BS, to be honest. As someone with a bisexual husband, if I said "you can't be friends with anyone you might possibly ever be attracted to", he wouldn't HAVE any friends!


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## NextTimeAround

batsociety said:


> Sounds to me like you don't like her because you don't like your husband being friends with someone who is a) a woman and b) his ex. *It doesn't actually have a whole lot to do with her pushiness. She just makes you uncomfortable.* The "friend's" pushiness is what makes her fell uncomfortable. So yes, the pushiness is an important part of why this woman is unacceptable.
> 
> But ignoring that (so why bring it up then?): Seeing as you've already told your husband how you feel about his friend, I think the best thing you can do is just grin and bear it. If you really can't stand her, just spend less time with her. If your husband is invited out for dinner, play the sick card. Whatever!
> 
> Just remember, there is a reason why your husband has remained friends with her throughout this time. *He obviously sees value in her company. * People seem to default to this belief. However, when I told my (future) husband that if his "friend" needed to stay in his life, then I would start dating other men. He immediately dropped her. Which kind of says to me, for all his calling her a "great friend" and his "only friend in London" (where he had been living for the past 18 months), "the value that she was supplying him" was not great enough to sustain the loss of me.
> 
> But had I been taking advice from you and following it, perhaps my life would be vastly different from what it is now.
> 
> 
> 
> Just because you don't like her behavior does not necessarily mean he feels the same OTOH, if the husband has to contemplate what life would be like without a partner while holding on to some friendship in which he is the junior party, he may have a whole new way of looking at her. "Cake eating" can occur with inappropriate friendships as much as it can with full on sexual affairs. Sometimes giving a partner a view as to what life could look like will make them snap out of it and make changes. - no two people are exactly alike, his taste in companions is obviously going to be different to yours.
> 
> This opinion might be unpopular because I see most people here are also not okay with their spouses having opposite sex friends. I think that's BS, to be honest. As you said above, no two people are alike. So it's only BS to you. As someone with a bisexual husband, if I said "you can't be friends with anyone you might possibly ever be attracted to", he wouldn't HAVE any friends! I would not have a bisexual husband for the reason that you stated. And if you had problems in your marriage as a result of his being bisexual, I would have to be honest and say that I cannot help you. Too bad, you could not show the same humility here.


^^^^


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## ImaginationStation

I think you're more upset with the fact that he is still in contact with his ex girlfriend. If he isn't cheating, or giving any reason for you not to trust him, stay out of it. Nothing she said was pushy or overbearing at all. 

If you can't deal with this arrangement they have, then probably best to leave.


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## batsociety

NextTimeAround said:


> People seem to default to this belief. However, when I told my (future) husband that if his "friend" needed to stay in his life, then I would start dating other men. He immediately dropped her. Which kind of says to me, for all his calling her a "great friend" and his "only friend in London" (where he had been living for the past 18 months), "the value that she was supplying him" was not great enough to sustain the loss of me.
> 
> But had I been taking advice from you and following it, perhaps my life would be vastly different from what it is now.


You should not have given him that ultimatum. 

But there's a difference between you and the OP. You told your husband that you weren't comfortable with his friend at the beginning of your relationship(presumably), definitely before you were married. And she had only been in his life for just over a year.

As far as I know, OP has never told her husband "it's her or me". She's expressed that she doesn't like his female friend, but she didn't make him choose like you did (if she had, her life also might have been very different).

Plus, OP's husband has been friends with this woman since the mid '90s. When I hear this, I think about my own life at that time - I met my husband then, I met a lot of friends in high school and college who are still my friends today, I had my first two children. It's +/- 20 years, and that is a LONG time. I can't imagine losing any of those friends now, they have all become such an important part of my life. It would be a lot to ask of someone to throw that away, especially when the only problem seems to be a clash in personalities. 



NextTimeAround said:


> As you said above, no two people are alike. So it's only BS to you.


That's true, but I was not implying that my opinion was the same as everyone else's, nor was I implying that it should be. 




NextTimeAround said:


> I would not have a bisexual husband for the reason that you stated. And if you had problems in your marriage as a result of his being bisexual, I would have to be honest and say that I cannot help you. Too bad, you could not show the same humility here.


But let's be honest, the reason people have a problem with this kind of thing is because of their own jealousy and insecurity, and a lack of trust in their partner. It indicates a much deeper problem buried in their relationship. The apparent issue with the opposite (or same) sex friend is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## Mr.D.E.B.T.

If you aren't close friends with her, then you shouldn't say anything directly. She probably has been pushy all pf her life, and will be until her last days. If that annoy's you, I would suggest finding a better way to cope with it. She seems to be one of your husbands close friends, so she will be around. Sometimes it is easier to accept another person's disagreeably behavior by remembering that we are all faulty, and should not be too harsh with our judgments.


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## KingwoodKev

If she's not your cup of tea then she's not his cup of tea. That's marriage and respect for your spouse.


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## brownmale

She's his friend. He ought to know how to interact and with whom. Why do you want to control his choices?



spunkycat08 said:


> I could use some advice concerning my husband's female friend.
> 
> The two of them have been friends since the mid 1990's. At one point, they briefly dated. They realized that dating each other was not working, and so they chose to remain friends.
> 
> His female friend is opinionated and outspoken.
> 
> She is currently in a dating relationship with a male friend of his. The two of them have been dating each other off and on since the mid 1990's.
> 
> All 4 of us either go out to dinner or have dinner at her boyfriend's place **my husband's male friend** .
> 
> There have been times when he would bring up stuff during conversation such as...
> 
> 
> his doctor wants him to watch what he eats... especially fatty food and fried food
> he wants to begin saving money, but he also likes to spend money on things for himself, which frustrates me.
> Her replies are this....
> 
> 
> It is ok to eat fatty food and fried food, just do it moderately
> There is no harm in spending money on yourself. It is no big deal once in a while
> 
> Last Sunday all 4 of us went to the church that my husband, his male friend, and I attend. One the way home, my husband's female friend told her boyfriend the following.
> 
> 
> you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
> you need to get out more
> you need to make more friends. Church is a good place to meet people
> I am telling you, you need to go to church on Wednesday nights
> You need to attend bible study
> He boyfriend was quiet during the entire exchange.
> 
> Does she come across as pushy?
> Does she come across as overbearing?
> 
> What is a good way to co-exist with her?
> How do you approach someone like this... especially when your husband is a friend of hers?
> Who should approach her?


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## Divinely Favored

They dated and said it did not work out between them(probably her out spoken attitude hubby did not care for). The way you told it there is an issue between hubby and old girl that did not make for compatible mate situation. 

Old GF is now seeing husbands male friend. I do not see where its right to tell hubby he can not be friends with the guy friend because his ex gf is dating his friend and is outspoken and opinionated. 

Quit going out with them so much and limit your interaction with her. She acts like my mother which I do not like that behavior....but I'm not going to not see my dad because I may not like the way my mom acts. I have a lot less contact with my mother than I do my dad.


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## *Deidre*

Maybe it isn't so much her pushiness with her bf that bothers you, but really what bothers you, is that she dated your husband at one point. And he is still 'pals' with her.  And you feel forced for lack of a better word, to be friends with her, too. Just my take away from it.


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## ThreeStrikes

Zombie thread


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