# Ride it out until we move?



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Had an argument over the phone with my wife the other day about making our situation work. She is staying at her dad's because a) my attitudes and behaviors toward her and b) we can't afford a babysitter for her two cousins so she can further her writing career.

Our long term plan is to move back near her dad when our lease is up in November, but she kept talking about how she won't travel back and forth until then because of our finances and how she needs the extra help

So it sounds like even if things improve in our relationship, she wants to just ride out the living apart until we can move. Our MC suggested that as a possible option and I think she has taken that to heart. I am trying to be supportive of her and her needs, but I don't think that is going to be helpful in building our bond back together.

Anybody have any thoughts or experiences with this?

More about my background if you need it: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25882-end.html


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

How often do you get there and how often do you have sex?
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I try to see her once or twice a week, if things are going good. Not so much right now as it's been hard to be affecionate and happy together. So no really any intimacy going on right now. Not like it's easy to do anyway with the kids and her dad always around.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I've been following your threads. At this point, I really think you need to find yourself a new individual therapist. The hole you have dug for yourself keeps getting deeper. I'm afraid you are going to end up burying yourself.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't understand why adults who are married don't just excuse themselves and make time for one another to make love. It really sounds like qn excuse. Coz I know sex.makes a.couple feel closer. It is a necessary part of marriage.

And don't stay away. That is even worse. Make things better. Coz it won't happen on item own.

Show up with.pizza and a movie and popcorn. Bring flowers to brighten up the house. Ask dad to watch the.kids and go out. Take the.kids to feed the. Ducks while you two walk hand in hand, even silently, enjoying just being there together. Be spontaneous and someone you would like to be around.

If it ddoesn't save the marriage it will still make you a better person and father.

You can do this.
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

While sex does make people feel closer, I think you obviously have to be in a certain emotional safety to trust your partner.

In my case, I think we have to get back to the emotional part before the physical.

I agree that staying away is not healthy. It is difficult to manage on our tight budget and spending the gas to travel back and forth.

I tried to do something this weekend by planning but after our arguements, she said I should just stay away.

Thanks for your thoughts and ideas


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Sometimes sex builds the.emotional part, esp for.women. and why does the.order matter if it works out in the end.

I understand the.economic realities esp in this market with gas.being so expensive. But it is an investment in your marriage.

It is funny how a guy dating will pull out all the.stops but in marriages that are in trouble, it is easier to not go all out. (same for.women, but you're a guy so)
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I think that in her case, at least, she would think I would be taking advantage of her if I tried to be forthcoming about the sex. She has said in the past that sometimes she feels that I would use her for the sex and leave out the emotional part.

It's also easier to pull out all the stops when you are not saddled as the sole financial caretaker for others.

Besides, it's not like my wife would be exactly kosher with me using a credit card just to try to woo her back. Gotta save up the cash instead.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Then tell her hiya are saving up for something special. I agree that you don't want to go into debt.

Why does your wife feel that way about sex with you? Can yiu talk about it?
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Well I think there are a bunch of caveats that run through her thought process with that.

One is that used to be in an physically abusive relationship and I think she can sometimes draw upon that and her emotions.

The other is the difficulty in expressing myself to her. You really have to go back and read my older threads to get full detail on it all, but I know in the past I have unintentionally been cold and distant to her because of my unhappiness, so it adds a layer.

Just for starters, but there may be more to go along.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Can you write her a letter?

Sounds to me like you just want it done though.
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

You mean to explain how to express myself? Not sure what you mean by this recommendation

I don't think I'm done with her, it's just the same feelings I have that others are experiencing. I feel like I'm trying to make the situation better but she tells me I'm not and is making things worse


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Yes, express in writing to avoid the immediate drama.

Does she have any concrete requests or is this some nebulous I don't know but I will know it when I see it? Coz that just doesn't work and isn't fair to you. Nor is it mature and understanding that we create our lives and nobody can fix us but us.
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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Perhaps it's best you get a better perspective through my previous posts, I hate to exhaust my story any further than it needs to:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25882-end.html


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

njpca said:


> Perhaps it's best you get a better perspective through my previous posts, I hate to exhaust my story any further than it needs to:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25882-end.html


:iagree:

I think you have already bent over backwards for this woman. Marriage is a two way street. Your wife is so selfish and currently on a one way street. It's hard to splurge and go the romantic route, when your wife has been a lousy money manager. I wouldn't go in debt any further to wine and dine her.


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