# Can't figure her out



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I should just leave well enough alone and be patient with the process, but that is just not me.

I am trying to figure out what makes my wife tick sexually. She says she is a sexual person and enjoys making me happy. She knows sex is very important for me and makes sure that I get what I need. I am very grateful for that. But she just does not get the same thing out of sex. She says she just does not have the drive I do, I understand that could be the case.

Sex with us is very plain vanilla. Always missionary, in the closet (for whatever reason it is always with the kids awake in the next room).
She is too tired after the kids go to bed.
We don't sleep together. She sleeps on the couch because it is "too hot" in our bedroom.
I have made plenty of suggestions for something different but she rarely tries. 

I had the idea to ask her to tell me what the first thing that comes to her mind when I said a word. She had to tell me quickly within a second of me saying the word. The word was "sexy." She gave me a blank stare for 5 or so seconds and said she was not thinking of anything. Then she said she thought of me. I think it was a cop out. I called her on it and she just got defensive.

Then I asked her what she thought was sexy. She said she could not think of anything right then. We talked some more and she gave a few examples of personality traits that she thought were sexy, confidence, good listening, patience. 

Then I asked what sexual scenarios she found sexy. She again got defensive and wanted to drop the subject. She said when she thinks of one she would tell me. Then I asked her to at least tell me a scene from one of her stories that she reads that she finds sexy. She said that while the scenarios in the books may sexually arouse her, they are not something she would want to do. Most of the stories are about couples meeting for the first time, the intense passion, love and sex that they have. She said it is the "newness" and "freshness" of the relationship that is sexy. She says that just goes away with familiarity and happens with every couple. I told her that I am ready to get that newness back and will do anything to get it. 

She says she gets all the sexual fulfillment she needs from me. However, she is never that really into it from what I can tell and she has never had an orgasm with me.

What kills me is that I see her posts online reviewing the stories. Things like:

I wish Edward would come down to here and take care of me like that. 
That chapter got me so hot and bothered.
That was HOT HOT HOT

These stories have some pretty graphic and kinky things going on. She does not know that I have seen her reviews. I just can't reconcile her enjoying these stories so much, spending countless hours reading literally hundreds of stories, yet sex is somewhat of a chore for her. She only does it because she loves me and knows it is important to me.

Is it too much to ask that I want to elicit the same excitement she gets from these stories. I know there is a fantasy aspect to it. But I have asked her what her fantasies are and she said she does not have any. I know if something turns me on that I see or read, I would LOVE to do it with my wife.

Am I totally off base here?


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## crazyanimal (Oct 10, 2009)

It sounds to me like she is a bit shy and maybe doesnt want you knowing her sexual fantasies or what she thinks. If she gives you lots of attention and fulfills your needs, maybe she feels she isn't getting enough for herself so she would like to at least keep her thoughts to herself and have something that noone else knows or feels she has to give up.

If she has no extreme desire for sex, then maybe you questioning her about her thoughts and ideas is making her feel like your asking for sex. She could be avoiding the subject cause she isn't in the mood or anything right now.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Also I have a hunch you both might enjoy browsing through Taken In Hand It's not for everyone, but maybe for you both.


Atholk, that is a very interesting site. I will have to read up on it on my spare time. 

I was actually hinting around this with my wife. I was telling her that I feel that I am not able to give her what she really wants because of the restrictions she has verbally placed on our actions. I told her that all I needed was a little clue and I could make the switch. I told her that I would love to take control in the bedroom. She gave me a very strange, almost intrigued look. She went on to say something to the effect that I just want to make sure I feel safe with you. I said that she should totally feel safe with me and that I trust her to let me know if I was every truly hurting her. We sort of left it at that. 

Also, she did open up a little more after she relaxed and took a bath. She said what excites her about the stories is the "forbidden fruit." Taking what you can't have. Star crossed lovers. Romeo and Juliet. The teacher taking the student. The bad boy/a**hole who is originally a jerk to the girl but ends up changing and being passionately in love with her, but the sex is really intense due to the inner bad boy. Strange love. The newness of a passionate relationship. The intense love/hate where you almost can’t stand the guy but you are so attracted that you can’t stop thinking about him. I see a pattern here.

However, then she says that this is why she feels that this is what gets her going in her stories but she does not really want that in real life. She does not want me to be an a**hole to her. She would never have sex with her teacher. 

Uggg, so complicated....


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I've never like the term vanilla, it allows people that practice sex in a paticular way to look down their nose at people that don't. If your wife doesn't fancy moving your sex life in strange and new directions that should be the end of it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

sarah.rslp said:


> If your wife doesn't fancy moving your sex life in strange and new directions that should be the end of it.


Really?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Sex is a very delicate subject with a lot of women. It's something we spend our whole lives trying to supress and downplay because of the stigma that comes with an over-sexual woman. Because of this, many women never really explore what turns them on. What I'm saying is your wife may not know. 

Has she ever masturbated? I never even thought about it until I was well into college. And to this day, I still have a hard time figuring out what turns me on. It's trial and error. Sometimes what turns me on in my head, does nothing for me physically. 

All I'm saying is take it slow with her. Don't overwhelm her with questions that she probably doesn't even know herself. If I were you I'd get a baby sitter and spend the day in bed. Buy a fan so she has no excuse.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

themrs said:


> Has she ever masturbated? I never even thought about it until I was well into college. And to this day, I still have a hard time figuring out what turns me on. It's trial and error. Sometimes what turns me on in my head, does nothing for me physically.


She has masturbated but not very often. She only recently purchased some toys. She says it takes her a long time even with them and that sometimes it is not worth the time/effort. She does not orgasm with me, and it is hard to get there with the toys, but she does. She will not use them in front of me, to embarrased.




themrs said:


> All I'm saying is take it slow with her. Don't overwhelm her with questions that she probably doesn't even know herself. If I were you I'd get a baby sitter and spend the day in bed. Buy a fan so she has no excuse.


Totally agree. I think once we get the kids out of the picture and add a little alcohol, the tiger will come out and play. We have our first overnight date planned in a few weeks. Last one was before the kids were born 7 years ago. Going out of town for two days.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

hubby said:


> Totally agree. I think once we get the kids out of the picture and add a little alcohol, the tiger will come out and play. We have our first overnight date planned in a few weeks. Last one was before the kids were born 7 years ago. Going out of town for two days.



Good luck! :smthumbup:


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks. I just remembered what my wife said when she finally gave me her initial thoughts that came up when I said the word "sexy." It was being a protector. She loves it when I get jealous or see another guy looking at her and make rude comments about kicking his a**. She loves it when I call her "mine," and that no one will ever have her. It is totally in line with her obsession with the over possessive vampire Edward Cullen.

I am trying to play this up more and more. Just hard to translate into the bedroom.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

hubby said:


> Thanks. I just remembered what my wife said when she finally gave me her initial thoughts that came up when I said the word "sexy." It was being a protector. She loves it when I get jealous or see another guy looking at her and make rude comments about kicking his a**. She loves it when I call her "mine," and that no one will ever have her. It is totally in line with her obsession with the over possessive vampire Edward Cullen.
> 
> I am trying to play this up more and more. Just hard to translate into the bedroom.


I don't think it will be that difficult once you get going. Your wife sounds very much like me. I LOVE when my husband protects me and makes me feel secure. I also like it when he is controlling in bed which goes along the same lines.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

So how to ease into me taking control in bed...hmmm...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

themrs said:


> Sex is a very delicate subject with a lot of women. It's something we spend our whole lives trying to supress and downplay because of the stigma that comes with an over-sexual woman. Because of this, many women never really explore what turns them on. What I'm saying is your wife may not know.
> 
> .



thank you for your honesty


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hubby said:


> What kills me is that I see her posts online reviewing the stories. Things like:
> 
> I wish Edward would come down to here and take care of me like that.
> That chapter got me so hot and bothered.
> ...


In a word, yes!
Please read your own words above one more time, before reading on. The secret is within them.

OK, here goes.

This is a typical male/female situation.

The way it is normally told is that "my wife says she NEVER fantasises". 

This is of course a lie. It's a lie on two counts:

1)It's a lie becuase all people fantasise about everything. But we don't call it fantasy. We call it mentally rehersing or we call it premeditation, or daydreaming. Suppose I say to myself - "when I get paid at the end of the month, I can put down a deposit on that motorbike". What am I doing. I'm living not in the present but in a fantasy world of what it will be like when I get that motorbike. So I'll be nursing a fantasy form time to time whenever it pop into my head, and over the weeks I will add and subtract bits to keep it fresh.

In the same way, if your wife fancies George Clooney, or Brad Pit, she is even if only fleetingly, involved in fantasy. Or if she anticipates sex (and she does sometimes, believe me) she is actually thinking of what will come later. It may just be a taste of the "mood", or it could be very detailed genital stuf, and anything in between.

All of the above comes under the heading of unconscious or automatic fantasy. The man dreaming of a motorbike does not necessarily label what he is doing as fantasising. But whenever you think in detail about something *which you are not actually doing at that time*, it's fantasising.

2)It's a lie because almost everybody takes time to deliberately fantasise. Your wife is an obvious example.

OK, so why the dichotomy? Why isn't she doing all the kinky stuff with you, why is she using the kids as a shield?

Simple. Most women have two things going on, that you simply have to take into account.

1) Society is always telling them that good girls are like the virgin Mary. Girls who want sex all the time are called names beginning with S... Do you think your wife wants that label? Now some women don't care too much about this first aspect. As long as you don't bragg about all your exploits down at the golf club, they are happy to get up to all sorts of things behind closed doors. However, the good girls don't do that syndrome is always there to some degree until the woman makes a concious decision to jettison it once and for all. My wife has done this, and the result is beyond belief.

2) Even if the "good girl" sysndrome is not in play, their is another aspect which every woman and many man have going on that takes a lot of skill on the part of a partner in order to side-step it. The problem is in the area of trust and intimacy. Women just don't want to put all their cards on the table. They will tell a new BF things, that once married they will deny. Why? Because marriage creates a forced intimacy which makes them uncomfortable. Knowledge is power. They don't want anyone having power over them. This feeling is so strong with some women that they will deny themselves a fulfilling sex life, in order to keep the intimacy levels tolerable.

So what to do?

DO NOT ask her what her fantasies are. If you want hot sex with your wife, you have to use stealth. You need to do two things.

1) Work on becoming the hottest man she could dream off. This always includes having confidence and humour in all the right measures.

2) Don't ask about her fantasies, *probe them*. You do this in two ways. Firstly, keep your eyes and ears open. Women love to give clues. They are hoping you will pick up on them. She is reading hot romances. Read some, and realise that the stuff that she is reading about *over and over again* is *exactly *what turns her on. So basically she is lying to you. Do you know any woman that would buy a brand of chocolate she hates and eat it over and over again? No, of course not. Same with her books and online reading.

read all of martino's early threads, they cover exactly this subject of the steamy novels his wife was reading.

Now, on top of taking note of all this, there is a second thing you can do, but only if you can do it with confidence. This was taught to me by another guy... He calls it SONAR.

If you want me to elaborate, I will.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> thank you for your honesty


No problem. It is something I struggle with in my own marriage. For years all I heard from my parents and society as a whole is that if I am too interested in sex that I will be seen as a *****, ****, etc. So I just let the man take the lead in my relationships always "rationing out" sex. I'll let him kiss me today, but I'm not going to let him in my pants until next week. I'll let him put his hands down my pants today, but I'll wait until I let him see me naked. . . and so on and so forth. I could never just throw caution to the wind and do it even if I wanted to on the first night because he'd lose respect for me. 

Fast forward to being married - it's hard to just let go. I trained myself so well that now I can't let go even now. I still have reservations and insecurities about how my husband will view me. In the back of my mind I know he'd be happy for me to let loose sexually, but something inside me is insecure and my gaurd is still up sexually.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Now, on top of taking note of all this, there is a second thing you can do, but only if you can do it with confidence. This was taught to me by another guy... He calls it SONAR.
> 
> If you want me to elaborate, I will.


Come on Mark, guys are not supposed to tease. I will bite, tell me about SONAR.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> 1) Society is always telling them that good girls are like the virgin Mary. Girls who want sex all the time are called names beginning with S... Do you think your wife wants that label? Now some women don't care too much about this first aspect. As long as you don't bragg about all your exploits down at the golf club, they are happy to get up to all sorts of things behind closed doors. However, the good girls don't do that syndrome is always there to some degree until the woman makes a concious decision to jettison it once and for all. My wife has done this, and the result is beyond belief.
> 
> 2) Even if the "good girl" sysndrome is not in play, their is another aspect which every woman and many man have going on that takes a lot of skill on the part of a partner in order to side-step it. The problem is in the area of trust and intimacy. Women just don't want to put all their cards on the table. They will tell a new BF things, that once married they will deny. Why? Because marriage creates a forced intimacy which makes them uncomfortable. Knowledge is power. They don't want anyone having power over them. This feeling is so strong with some women that they will deny themselves a fulfilling sex life, in order to keep the intimacy levels tolerable.
> 
> ...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

damn society anyway


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

BTW, just sent my wife a text explaining why I was probing her the way I was last night, it was out of jelously and selfishness to have her by myself. I also explained what I was going to do to her tonight... and I quote:

"To make sure you know that you are mine, I am going to leave my mark on you tonight.

With my tongue.

With my lips.

Where you are hot and wet."

A little out of character for me, but I have been throwing a lot of curve balls these days so probably not surprising to her.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

hubby said:


> BTW, just sent my wife a text explaining why I was probing her the way I was last night, it was out of jelously and selfishness to have her by myself. I also explained what I was going to do to her tonight... and I quote:
> 
> "To make sure you know that you are mine, I am going to leave my mark on you tonight.
> 
> ...



If I was your wife I'd smile, but I'd feel a little intimidated. Also anxious, but in the excited let's-see-what-he's-gonna-do kind of way.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Ah, I had some other humer thrown in there so it was not to over the top.

If I could only have the balls to take our one of her toys and use it as well. I have asked her before if she would mind but she is too shy. Maybe in the heat of the moment it would not hurt to try.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Don't put too much pressure on yourself hubby. You guys have the rest of your lives to figure this thing out. Enjoy the journey.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I hear you, it is the ridiculous Taurus in me.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> damn society anyway


Dude, I love you! society can go **** itself.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hubby said:


> BTW, just sent my wife a text explaining why I was probing her the way I was last night, it was out of jelously and selfishness to have her by myself. I also *explained *what I was going to do to her tonight... and I quote:
> 
> "To make sure you know that you are mine, I am going to leave my mark on you tonight.
> 
> ...


Dude, you are almost there. The only thing is that *explaining *yourself all the time can be taken as a sign of tentativeness and by association lack of confidence. The second part of your post was along the lines of the SONAR technique that I shall shortly elucidate.

OK, I need to set the scene...

We all know how women like talk a lot. Well can you imagine what it is like for them inside their own heads? Geeeeeeze. it never stops. So we can use that to our advantage. What you need to do is plant a seed thought in their head in the morning, go to work, and while you are out of the house, it will be working it's magic all day, with no further input from you.

In fact it's actually better that there is no input from you, becuase if you were to do too much of the detailed talking it would be in your own language, not her internal language. In just the same way as a patient will reject an organ donation of the wrong tissue type, every fibre of her being will reject the "foreign body" of your over-worded suggestions.

Here is how the SONAR works.

You pick something that you think *might* work, and say just a sentence or two. And you pick a time *when you are just about to leave the house*. In fact it should be a time when you *have *to leave - so it does not look as if you ran off.

The guy that taught me, gave example that he tried at random that had an effect far bigger than he was expecting. He was just off to work when he said "You've been a very bad girl, and when I get home, you are going to get a very sound spanking". I suppose he said it with a glint in his eye, but in any case he went to work and forgot all about it.

When he came home, she was in mess! She had been thinking about it all day and her legs had turned to jelly, she was dripping wet with desire. He had no idea she was into being handled so firmly. That is why he calls it SONAR. You have to try several things, and you may have to try 10 different things, but eventually you will get a direct hit. Don't take it personally if a suggestion does not work - just move on to the next.

Never never never blow it by coming home and asking if she found the idea sexy! She will either give a signal or drop a hint that she liked it. If she gives nothing away at all - don't write it off. Try other things, but come back to it a few weeks later.

By the way, my friend calls the technique of making the announcement and running off "letting it percolate". This is the core of the technique. You are providing a seed thought, and letting it cook in it's own juices.

By the way, this technique can be used by women on men - it works just as well.

I have found another way of achieving the same thing, which I could also elucidate if anyone is still reading.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Please, procinue your eludication.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I'm still reading Mark.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Maybe tomorrow 

You need to really absorb my last 2 posts, or it won't take. In any case, my fingers need a rest.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Maybe tomorrow
> 
> You need to really absorb my last 2 posts, or it won't take. In any case, my fingers need a rest.


Fine. I'll wait.

I do think that is good technique. I have noticed that my wife is much more "ready" and we talk a lot more about sex in casual conversation now. She opened up more when I started sending sexy texts in the middle of the day. I never sent her anything before unless it was something about work or plans that needed to be made. She is has even been sending me little notes like that recently. There is definately something to be said for planting the seed. It is along the same lines as when women create more desire within themselves the more sex they have. This probably also works well with just thinking about it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Atholk said:


> The most important thing is not to ask for permission with one of these women that get off on being dominated in the bedroom. Hold eye contact, speak firmly and clearly.


Well, still not sure if she is into that. Going to have to test the watters. All that she reads and tells me points me in that direction, but she is so naturally controlling with the OCD that it would create such a dichotomy. Who knows, it may be that she is so sick of her illness making her be in control, that she really wants to lose it. But needs to be pushed there.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

SWEET! We have liftoff! I just gave her an orgasm for the first time! She did not have a crazy one. I would not have noticed if I my face was not barried down there. Probably a combination of the build up from the text and me figuring out what she like with oral. 

I think I poured on the whole possesiveness/control thing as she told me thàt even though she finds it sexy in a story she does not in real life. Not sure I buy it. I stood up to her on a few discussions before we got to business. I actually got pretty angry and said I was not in the mood anymore, but she talked me into it. Very strange.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Congratulations! 

I would believe her about finding the stories exciting on paper only. I am the same way. I can think something is sexy on paper or in my head, but in real life it turns me off. The fantasy is better than the reality.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You have truly pulled off a moon launch - what a great outcome. One of the best stories I have ever read on the board. 




hubby said:


> SWEET! We have liftoff! I just gave her an orgasm for the first time! She did not have a crazy one. I would not have noticed if I my face was not barried down there. Probably a combination of the build up from the text and me figuring out what she like with oral.
> 
> I think I poured on the whole possesiveness/control thing as she told me thàt even though she finds it sexy in a story she does not in real life. Not sure I buy it. I stood up to her on a few discussions before we got to business. I actually got pretty angry and said I was not in the mood anymore, but she talked me into it. Very strange.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

hubby-

Before going on with my dissertation, I want to just congratulate you for your achievement above. *But* I must warn you not to blow it. Do not talk about what happened unless she brings it up. You must resist the temptation to pat yourself on the back or seek praise. You are in a transition phase. At the moment you represent both her lover and her daddy/mammy.

She does not want "daddy" knowing what she has been getting up to with lover-boy behind the bike sheds. So you have to be "Jackel and Hyde" about this.

When you really wake up to what women are about you will realise that when a woman is turned on, she accesses a different state of consciousness. During those moments it is possible to get and give more information. But outside of those times, you are in the role of a nosy father. Do you think she wants to talk about her vagina with him? NO WAY.

Now when she begins to see that you understand the need for secrecy, she will start to open up to you. You need to get on her wavelength. Like a lot of guys you do wey too much talking and asking. This is not what she wants. In any case, you are not after talking about sex, you want action. So you must *use *action.

Now, to get back to the SONAR stuff.

After learning about the SONAR, I developed a more passive technique. It in not really a technique though, it is simply a matter of developing sensitivity.

As I have often said women like to talk in code. They will often hint at what they really mean. My wife did this for years. I had no idea what she was saying.

Every now and the the penny would drop. However, now that our relationship is much better, she has moved the goal posts by speaking directly, but in a concealed way.

So what she does is tell me something that turns her on, but she drops it into conversation so deftly, that it is not obvious she is talking about sex.

I will give you an example. Unfortunately, I have to be vague because women don't like "kiss and tell" guys...

So the other day I said, "I have to buy object X and store it in building Z". She said why don't you bring it home, I would love to see it. At this point I wondered if it was a turn on for her, but it slipped my mind. The object is a very ordinary non sexual object. Then she mentioned it again. "Bring it home". If you hear things mentioned over and over again by a woman - it is code for "I want you to take notice".

So I brought the object home, but forgot to tell her, as I had other things on my mind. However, my nonchalance probably added to her sexual tension. I showed her object X and she instantly wanted sex.

While getting naked, she *casually * mentioned that she would go wild if I produced object Y at the same time as object X. I said nothing. But by now I did not have to be told twice. While she was getting ready/naked I went and got object Y, but I hid it so that when I came back into the room, she did not see it. Then we got naked and I sprung it on her. She went wild!

You see. She told me in advance that she would go wild if I produced both objects at the same time. I did it. 

She went wild. 

What amazed me even more is that although I would not normally find object X or Y sexy, I got so carried away by her enthusiasm, that my heart was beating as fast as hers. UhOh! Now we are both addicted to objects X & Y.

So what I am saying is... women are giving us clues all the time. You simply have to be sensitive. In the past she could and did tell me about object X (or it's equivalent) 10 times, and I failed to take any notice because, I had no idea she was talking about her turn-ons.

It ain't rocket science


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> I will give you an example. Unfortunately, I have to be vague because women don't like "kiss and tell" guys...
> 
> So the other day I said, "I have to buy object x and store it in building y". She said why don't you bring it home, I would love to see it. At this point I wondered if it was a turn on for her, but it slipped my mind. The object is a very ordinary non sexual object. Then she mentioned it again. "Bring it home". If you hear things mentioned over and over again by a woman - it is code for "I want you to take notice".
> 
> ...


more like calculus :scratchhead:


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> more like calculus :scratchhead:


Or algebra. LOL!

I think my husband has done this to me in the past. He's said on his way to work, "I have a surprise for you." But he won't tell me what it is and then I'll think about all the possibilites until he gets home from work. Then when he gets home I'll rush him at the door to find out, but he keeps me waiting until the kids are asleep and we're alone before he gives it to me. At that point it doesn't matter what it is because the anticipation was wonderful. I like it more than the actual thing. 

I don't drop hints with my husband anymore. I am direct and even then he still doesn't get it.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

themrs said:


> I don't drop hints with my husband anymore. I am direct and even then he still doesn't get it.


I apologise on behalf of men everywhere 

I tell you what might work for you... write it to him on paper, and tell him - read this it is important. and... "I am going to be testing you on it afterwards". Then slap his butt for being so hopeless


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

Sheesh.... you men... just when I'm convinced that you're all clueless I read something like this and my hope for humanity is restored. 
Would one of you call & speak with my husband, please?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

hubby said:


> SWEET! We have liftoff! I just gave her an orgasm for the first time! She did not have a crazy one. I would not have noticed if I my face was not barried down there. Probably a combination of the build up from the text and me figuring out what she like with oral.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's great to hear! This is a turning point mainly because she was able to relax and drop her guard enough to let go and get there...

I have to agree with themrs...I have fantasies that I would have no desire to try in real life...on the flip side, my h is very creative in coming up with scenarios that play to fantasy w/o going out of my comfort zone.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I apologise on behalf of men everywhere
> 
> I tell you what might work for you... write it to him on paper, and tell him - read this it is important. and... "I am going to be testing you on it afterwards". Then slap his butt for being so hopeless


We'll be in the car and he'll say he wants to go to dinner. We'll come up to a mall or something and I'll say, "That restaurant looks good, let's go there." He will keep driving right past it and then another 15 minutes later say again, "I'm hungry." HELLO! I just told you to go to the restaurant we pasted 15 minutes ago. *sigh*


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

themrs said:


> No problem. It is something I struggle with in my own marriage. For years all I heard from my parents and society as a whole is that if I am too interested in sex that I will be seen as a *****, ****, etc. So I just let the man take the lead in my relationships always "rationing out" sex. I'll let him kiss me today, but I'm not going to let him in my pants until next week. I'll let him put his hands down my pants today, but I'll wait until I let him see me naked. . . and so on and so forth. I could never just throw caution to the wind and do it even if I wanted to on the first night because he'd lose respect for me.
> 
> Fast forward to being married - it's hard to just let go. I trained myself so well that now I can't let go even now. I still have reservations and insecurities about how my husband will view me. In the back of my mind I know he'd be happy for me to let loose sexually, but something inside me is insecure and my gaurd is still up sexually.


Well my darling, it's time to let the past just melt away. Do you really want to continue to be a slave to your conditioning? Just visualise it all thawing out like snow in the sun. I have spent years looking at the psychology of conditioning. I have come to the conclusion that people can do things the hard way or the easy way.

The hard way is to have years of therapy. The easy way is to simply relax. If you want to really get into gear, tell your husband you want him to help you relax. If you can't say it to his face, write it. Go at your own pace, but please, please don't wait until the day before you die. You and your hubby could be having so much fun.

You might think, why can't hubby be super intelligent like MarkTwain and handle me just right? Ain't going to happen. There will always be one person in the relationship with more insight. That happens to be you. Use it. Don't bury your talents under a bushel.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Well my darling, it's time to let the past just melt away. Do you really want to continue to be a slave to your conditioning? Just visualise it all thawing out like snow in the sun. I have spent years looking at the psychology of conditioning. I have come to the conclusion that people can do things the hard way or the easy way.
> 
> The hard way is to have years of therapy. The easy way is to simply relax. If you want to really get into gear, tell your husband you want him to help you relax. If you can't say it to his face, write it. Go at your own pace, but please, please don't wait until the day before you die. You and your hubby could be having so much fun.
> 
> You might think, why can't hubby be super intelligent like MarkTwain and handle me just right? Ain't going to happen. There will always be one person in the relationship with more insight. That happens to be you. Use it. Don't bury your talents under a bushel.


I'm working on it.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I just would like to say that this past week has gone absolutely AWESOME. Wife and I have had sex every day. Intimacy and just plain old fun is at an all time high. We are able to really communicate our needs freely without much anxiety. We are having fun in bed; we have really been able to relax about it so much that we can just laugh at stupid stuff when having sex. She is letting herself go and I am able to take care of her so to speak. I am 2 for 2 for giving her an O the last two times I tried and it took a lot less time to get there yesterday. She is being very assertive in letting me know what she wants and planning things out. She told me last night what she had planned for me tonight.

I am in heaven. Our relationship is just so great right now.

Thanks for all the support here guys!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

hubby said:


> I just would like to say that this past week has gone absolutely AWESOME. Wife and I have had sex every day. Intimacy and just plain old fun is at an all time high. We are able to really communicate our needs freely without much anxiety. We are having fun in bed; we have really been able to relax about it so much that we can just laugh at stupid stuff when having sex. She is letting herself go and I am able to take care of her so to speak. I am 2 for 2 for giving her an O the last two times I tried and it took a lot less time to get there yesterday. She is being very assertive in letting me know what she wants and planning things out. She told me last night what she had planned for me tonight.
> 
> I am in heaven. Our relationship is just so great right now.
> 
> Thanks for all the support here guys!


i'm very happy for you both


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Hubby-

That's awesome 

There is just one thing I must caution you about...

When a woman who was sexually up-tight opens up, there can be a backlash after a few weeks, where she clams up again. It is important not to react to this. If it happens, just take it in your stride, and allow her to be herself. Then in her own time, she will open up again even better than before.

For this reason, it is important not to force the pace of her opening up - the faster she goes now, the more likely the back-lash.


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