# Newly wed sex life with my husband



## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

I am an Indian girl who was born parents with typical Indian mentality (to get daughter married away without her consent/wish). I recently got married ,six months ago. It was a typical arranged marriage and my parents fixed the match as they thought it was perfect, although I was not willing to get married.

I tried talking to the groom but I could not talk to him , my parents made sure I was not able to contact him or his parents anyway. I have earlier jeopardized a few matches by telling them that I already had boyfriends which resulted in breaking of alliance.

It may sound strange but this happens even now in India.

I gave up resisting and got married. Later I found out that my husband is a virgin and he "assumed" that I am one too.

How do I tell him that I am not a virgin and I have a vast "experience" of more than 8 years and had countless number of affairs. I feel sorry for him and I am afraid it will break his heart once he comes to know about the truth.

We have had sex but since he is "inexperienced" he comes too quickly. I have been patient with him but he has shown no improvement yet.

I am not sure whether I should wait or tell him the truth.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If he didn't ask then I wouldn't bother telling him. Can just make things worse sometimes. 

Though hopefully he'll be receptive to learning. Is he able to get you off before or after sex at least?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You're definitely going to have to look at this as a long term project.

The double whammy problem here is that your husband is currently an inadequate lover and you have enough experience to have had better prior to the marriage.

I'm generally a fan of full disclosure, but in this case, spilling the beans right now may do irreparable damage. Beyond any shattered expectations of virginity, combining that with any revelation of having had greater satisfaction with a previous lover could make him mad to the point of no ability to communicate, or shatter what little confidence he might have, to the point you will have no chance of coaching him into being a better lover.

I'm afraid patience is the order of the day. By no means broach the subject until he is secure enough to handle it. With experience and frequency, he will last longer. Maybe you can help him learn to satisfy you manually or orally until he develops more stamina for intercourse. One he sees you get off as the result of his efforts, regardless of the delivery method, he'll have the confidence to handle the truth.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If he didn't ask then I wouldn't bother telling him. Can just make things worse sometimes.
> 
> Though hopefully he'll be receptive to learning. Is he able to get you off before or after sex at least?


Yeah I can give pointers to guide him so that he learns soon.

He is not able to make me come before or after sex and its frustrating most of the times. Also he is not circumcised so he does not last longer.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You're definitely going to have to look at this as a long term project.
> 
> The double whammy problem here is that your husband is currently an inadequate lover and you have enough experience to have had better prior to the marriage.
> 
> ...


Yeah , that is why I could not tell him the truth as I was sure it was not going to benefit anyone but bring pain and shame.

I too believe in transparency that is why I have told every one the truth in the past however this time it was not possible. As you said it would be meaning less at this stage to open the can of worms as it will damage the future, and I am sure no one would love to hear about his wife.

If it would have been one or two I would have thought about it and confessed but if he hear my confession he is sure to get a heart attack.

I have tried to teach him to control but he says I am "too beautiful" for him and he can't control himself when he sees me.I coach him enough but not too much as he might suspect me.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

shwetap said:


> Yeah , that is why I could not tell him the truth as I was sure it was not going to benefit anyone but bring pain and shame.
> 
> I too believe in transparency that is why I have told every one the truth in the past however this time it was not possible. As you said it would be meaning less at this stage to open the can of worms as it will damage the future, and I am sure no one would love to hear about his wife.
> 
> ...


Why did you get married.You must have had plenty of freedom if you have had other boyfriends/lovers.Why did you agree to this out of date custom?


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

Teach him to control tension during intimate moments for this will lengthen ejaculation period. With time he build confidence and master the art.

Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Why did you get married.You must have had plenty of freedom if you have had other boyfriends/lovers.Why did you agree to this out of date custom?


Well it was family pressure and as I said earlier my parents emotionally blackmailed me.

If I had any option I would never get married.

In India people still follow the age old arranged marriage culture.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

kenyaone said:


> Teach him to control tension during intimate moments for this will lengthen ejaculation period. With time he build confidence and master the art.
> 
> Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


Yep I have also asked him to do key-gel exercise for more benefit.


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## kenyaone (Jan 26, 2017)

shwetap said:


> Yep I have also asked him to do key-gel exercise for more benefit.


Is he receptive to kegel exercises?

Sent from my TECNO-H3 using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

shwetap said:


> Well it was family pressure and as I said earlier my parents emotionally blackmailed me.
> 
> If I had any option I would never get married.
> 
> In India people still follow the age old arranged marriage culture.


I wouldn't tell him anything about your previous relationships at least until he has got some practice under his belt(Forgive the double entendre)and maybe not ever.If he is virile then you can help him with his technique.There are some things you can do to help him.
Only have sex for a couple of minutes at a time,when he shows the first sign of getting ready to orgasm stop.Some people call it edging but this would be purely a delaying tactic in your case.There may be some misfires but he will soon be ready to go again.
Another idea would be for him to masturbate a little while before you have sex but suggesting this may be a problem for you.
You can have some fun but if you are not attracted to him then it's pointless in my opinion.
Arranged marriages have no place in the modern world imo.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

You may also try giving him a "two-fer"

Get him to ejaculate manually or orally. Then, as soon as he can recover, bring him back up for intercourse. He will last much longer at that time. This works on both a physical and a mental level. In addition to being more able to handle the physical sensation, the mental control will increase as well. Having recently had an orgasm, he will be calmer and more able to focus on pleasing you without his sensations getting the better of him. 

Also, what, if anything are you using for birth control? If you are not using condoms, add this. They really decrease sensation, so the should also allow him to last much longer (that is, of course, if you aren't using them already).


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Think he'd read books or watch videos on how to please a woman? Going longer won't help much if he's not also doing things right. It's just longer bad sex then. 

There are some great books and videos and it might be easier for him to learn that way.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I wouldn't tell him about your past - I don't see how that will help. 

His getting off too fast can be fixed. Teach him to please you in other ways. Even take care of yourself while you are with him if he would enjoy watching. Basically take the pressure off of him to try to last and things might get better.

Does he *want* to learn how to please you in bed? If so, then things can be fixed. If not, then there is a long term problem.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If he didn't ask then I wouldn't bother telling him. Can just make things worse sometimes. Though hopefully he'll be receptive to learning.





uhtred said:


> I wouldn't tell him about your past - I don't see how that will help.
> 
> His getting off too fast can be fixed. Teach him to please you in other ways. Even take care of yourself while you are with him if he would enjoy watching. Basically take the pressure off of him to try to last and things might get better.
> 
> Does he *want* to learn how to please you in bed? If so, then things can be fixed. If not, then there is a long term problem.





SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Think he'd read books or watch videos on how to please a woman? Going longer won't help much if he's not also doing things right. It's just longer bad sex then.
> 
> There are some great books and videos and it might be easier for him to learn that way.


I am worried that since I have had such a wild past , it will come back to haunt me and I will be exposed. I am in a dilemma , as if tell the truth it will shatter our marriage and if I don't and he finds out it will be a really messy situation.

He is willing to learn but he is not a good learner as I have been trying to teach him since day one. He fumbles and and gets nervous and gets excited and comes. Most of the time he just comes seeing me even before he touches me. So I am left on my own high and dry.

We have seen educational videos and he thinks he can master the techniques in a day. The problem is he can't last longer than a minute. He does not go down on me as he thinks it is unhygienic. :|

I can't believe this is happening to me and I am married to a One Pump Chump. I have tried to stay calm and be supportive but its a nightmare for me.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You may also try giving him a "two-fer"
> 
> Get him to ejaculate manually or orally. Then, as soon as he can recover, bring him back up for intercourse. He will last much longer at that time. This works on both a physical and a mental level. In addition to being more able to handle the physical sensation, the mental control will increase as well. Having recently had an orgasm, he will be calmer and more able to focus on pleasing you without his sensations getting the better of him.
> 
> Also, what, if anything are you using for birth control? If you are not using condoms, add this. They really decrease sensation, so the should also allow him to last much longer (that is, of course, if you aren't using them already).


What you mentioned happens all the time , he ejaculated as soon as he sees me or I touch him.
On recovering he will last he has never lasted more than a minute. 

I am not complaining but since he has a small penis and is not circumcised with foreskin that does not withdraw back at all,it becomes difficult to put on a condom.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

shwetap said:


> I can't believe this is happening to me and I am married to a One Pump Chump. I have tried to stay calm and be supportive but its a nightmare for me.


You should at least have some respect for your husband it seems, and not use words like this. After all, you were complicit in fooling him into believing that you were a virgin. I'm sorry you're not being sexually satisfied, but try to look at this from his angle. He was sold a bill of goods. The choice of "life partner" is probably the most important choice that any of us ever make, and he wasn't given a fair shake at it. I'm not sure what "emotional blackmail" is, but he's the victim in all of this, not you. He's the one in a "nightmare"--he just doesn't know it.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> You should at least have some respect for your husband it seems, and not use words like this. After all, you were complicit in fooling him into believing that you were a virgin. I'm sorry you're not being sexually satisfied, but try to look at this from his angle. He was sold a bill of goods. The choice of "life partner" is probably the most important choice that any of us ever make, and he wasn't given a fair shake at it. I'm not sure what "emotional blackmail" is, but he's the victim in all of this, not you. He's the one in a "nightmare"--he just doesn't know it.


If only he had tried to contact me somehow , I was willing to tell the entire truth.

What I meant by emotional blackmail was that my parents persuaded me to marry this guy or else every one on our family and their family will not ever forgive me for rejecting the proposal as these two have been family friends for a long time.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You shouldn't have to live a life of misery just so your family can save face. Have you the ability to support yourself,if so you should start making plans to get out of this farce of a marriage. 
This is the twenty first century,even on the sub continent and it's people like yourself who will have to drag the older generation into it.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

shwetap said:


> Yeah , that is why I could not tell him the truth as I was sure it was not going to benefit anyone but bring pain and shame.
> 
> I too believe in transparency that is why I have told every one the truth in the past however this time it was not possible. As you said it would be meaning less at this stage to open the can of worms as it will damage the future, and I am sure no one would love to hear about his wife.
> 
> ...


You're basically married to a 17 year old boy (sexually, anyway), and that's okay. Nobody is a born lover - every man and woman needs to learn, and they specifically need to learn about their partner.

You'll get there. It's nothing to be worried about, and the whole process can be fun!

I don't know about the rest of you, but when I was learning about sex and having my first experiences, I had a great time with it all! My first partner and I had the same experience level (ie. none), so it was the blind leading the blind. You have experience, so your husband can learn far more from you than most virgins can from one another.

Look at this is a fun way to mold your husband into a great lover! You know what you like, so guide him.

Genuinely unsure of why this is even remotely negative.

p.s. - if he hasn't asked, don't tell him. But if he does, be honest and forthcoming. I don't get the impression that your virginity was implied or even expected. You seem to have no remorse that you have experience, so that's good.

However, if he does ask, expect him to then ask about your experiences in particular. Don't do this. Tell him the basics and that's it. He doesn't need to know your past lovers penis size, or what positions you did with them, or anything more than how many partners you've had. Even that is fairly unnecessary. "Yes, I have experience. Now let's get you some!"


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ugg not going down would be just as much a deal breaker as being too quick. 
Moreso, at least quick can eventually change. 

It's unlikely he will ever become a great lover. 
I'd rather risk my entire family abandoning me than be in bad sex marriage. This is your life now, not theirs. You have to do what is right for you.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you fallen in love with him?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

shwetap said:


> I am worried that since I have had such a wild past , it will come back to haunt me and I will be exposed. I am in a dilemma , as if tell the truth it will shatter our marriage and if I don't and he finds out it will be a really messy situation.
> 
> He is willing to learn but he is not a good learner as I have been trying to teach him since day one. He fumbles and and gets nervous and gets excited and comes. Most of the time he just comes seeing me even before he touches me. So I am left on my own high and dry.
> 
> ...


Personally, I would keep quiet about the past experience. If it comes up in conversation, I would be honest and say that you've had some experience, but I wouldn't share details on it, or even numbers. 

Now, for the sex part. Years ago, I dated a man who was very inexperienced, and he was also the 1- or 2-pump guy. Sex literally took less than a minute, and it was very disappointing. I tried showing him things: what I like, different positions to try, different touches. But, like your husband, he was uncircumcised and very small (penis size; weight-wise, he was bordering on obese). He would "try" a position by giving it 1 pump, or just say that it wouldn't work because of his size. I'm pretty sure he had erectile dysfunction, but he refused to talk to a doctor about it. We eventually broke up, and while I would never say it, sex was one of the reasons. I wasn't about to sign up for a life of awful sex. You say that he comes even if he just touches or sees you; that is call for concern. I would probably suggest that he go to a doctor. Maybe it's a case of over-excitement, but it might be a case of a health concern (erectile dysfunction) that can be controlled with a medication.

Can he be taught? Maybe. Is he willing to listen and learn? Is he receptive to advice and positive feedback? How often do you guys try to have sex? Is the foreplay good? I'm separated from my husband, but we were married for nearly 4 years. He was a virgin when we started dating, and I never viewed that as a deal breaker because you have to start somewhere whether you're 22, 32, 42… He was 41 when he lost his virginity, and during the course of our marriage, he was pretty much unteachable. As you've probably figured out, I was not a virgin and like you, had a decent amount of experience. I tried numerous times to help him in this area, got hurt (bit, pinched, sucked on like he was trying to get milk), and I eventually gave up and just went along for the ride whenever he wanted it. I never initiated past the 1st year of marriage, partly because I would get shot down if he wasn't 100% in the mood or didn't have something better to do, and partly because it just wasn't something that i wanted to do. Some men can be taught though, I would imagine, and that's something that you need to find out if it can happen. Hubs and I were pretty much roommates for the last 3 years of our marriage, and I just couldn't take it anymore. Plus, thinking about our sex life for the REST OF OUR LIVES, makes me shudder.

For your sake, I hope he is receptive to learning about sex and exploring intimacies with you, and I would give it a good shot to see if that happens. However, if it doesn't, I wouldn't hesitate to sever ties with him. Lack of sex or poor sex will eventually sour everything else in the marriage, and that's just not worth it, in my opinion.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Personally, I would keep quiet about the past experience. If it comes up in conversation, I would be honest and say that you've had some experience, but I wouldn't share details on it, or even numbers.
> 
> Now, for the sex part. Years ago, I dated a man who was very inexperienced, and he was also the 1- or 2-pump guy. Sex literally took less than a minute, and it was very disappointing. I tried showing him things: what I like, different positions to try, different touches. But, like your husband, he was uncircumcised and very small (penis size; weight-wise, he was bordering on obese). He would "try" a position by giving it 1 pump, or just say that it wouldn't work because of his size. I'm pretty sure he had erectile dysfunction, but he refused to talk to a doctor about it. We eventually broke up, and while I would never say it, sex was one of the reasons. I wasn't about to sign up for a life of awful sex. You say that he comes even if he just touches or sees you; that is call for concern. I would probably suggest that he go to a doctor. Maybe it's a case of over-excitement, but it might be a case of a health concern (erectile dysfunction) that can be controlled with a medication.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the post


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> He was sold a bill of goods. The choice of "life partner" is probably the most important choice that any of us ever make, and he wasn't given a fair shake at it. I'm not sure what "emotional blackmail" is, but he's the victim in all of this, not you. He's the one in a "nightmare"--he just doesn't know it.


LOL what?? It sounds to me like for him, it's a fantasy come true. He knew he was being ushered into an arranged marriage, doesn't sound like he was against it, and also has never had a woman before. The woman who shows up to be exclusively his for life is someone so beautiful he can't even contain himself. Yep, total nightmare for him.

She's the one who said she didn't want to be married at all, was already living the lifestyle she wanted to, and was forced/threatened into this basically-sexless monogamy situation that she openly objected to. She's the victim...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StuckInLove said:


> LOL what?? It sounds to me like for him, it's a fantasy come true. He knew he was being ushered into an arranged marriage, doesn't sound like he was against it, and also has never had a woman before. The woman who shows up to be exclusively his for life is someone so beautiful he can't even contain himself. Yep, total nightmare for him.
> 
> She's the one who said she didn't want to be married at all, was already living the lifestyle she wanted to, and was forced/threatened into this basically-sexless monogamy situation that she openly objected to. She's the victim...


Really?!?!

You don't think he maybe wanted someone else who's figuring this out from scratch so they can grow and learn together? 

This is a mismatch from either point of view. The difference is she knew the truth and he didn't. Asymmetrical information is never good and the one who has the information advantage also has the responsibility to even things out. 

There are victims and there are victims. OP is a victim of her family pressure, which she may or may not have handled correctly. OPs husband is a victim of both family pressure and the secrets he's not privy to. One had some control over her victimization, the other did not.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Even if she had never had sex before, a man who can't go more than a minute and won't give oral would be a bad thing. Most women would still be disappointed with that no matter how much or little experience she had. Her knowing that sex is supposed to be better could have come from anywhere, her experience isn't the issue.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Really?!?!
> 
> You don't think he maybe wanted someone else who's figuring this out from scratch so they can grow and learn together?
> 
> ...


Exactly what control did she have? I'm not understanding you there. It sounds like the marriage was completely and totally against her will, that doesn't sound like control to me. Any "control" she may have had, he must have had similar, if not greater control especially being the male in regards to that kind of religion.

All I was saying is that the bottom line is that he seems to be enjoying himself, and she is not, regardless of how they got in this position. Tatsuhiko was making it seem like her H was purely the victim and she was some kind of antagonist simply because she has a sexual past that he WAS unaware of. If he hasn't figured it out by now that she's got some experience, then I have no idea what to think. I mean, come on, what virgin female would be instructing her male counterpart on exactly how to please her, how to prolong his orgasm, tricks to try, etc..


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StuckInLove said:


> Exactly what control did she have? I'm not understanding you there. It sounds like the marriage was completely and totally against her will, that doesn't sound like control to me. Any "control" she may have had, he must have had similar, if not greater control especially being the male in regards to that kind of religion.
> 
> All I was saying is that the bottom line is that he seems to be enjoying himself, and she is not, regardless of how they got in this position. Tatsuhiko was making it seem like her H was purely the victim and she was some kind of antagonist simply because she has a sexual past that he WAS unaware of. If he hasn't figured it out by now that she's got some experience, then I have no idea what to think. I mean, come on, what virgin female would be instructing her male counterpart on exactly how to please her, how to prolong his orgasm, tricks to try, etc..


She said she got married under family pressure. We really have no indication of how intense the pressure is and what the consequences of not bowing to the pressure would have been. She said there was "emotional blackmail." WTH is that? It's not like they tied her down and forced her. It was against her wishes, but I have yet to see evidence it was beyond her ability to just keep on living the life she was living, or to find someone with whom she was compatible. 

And is he really enjoying himself? Sure, he's cumming a lot, but automatically equating that with male satisfaction is playing a very poor stereotype. I know if I was finishing quickly, I'd feel cheated myself. I know if I was very inexperienced, I'd be more comfortable with someone else who is as well. Your comment about being instructed by a female virgin is misplaced here. This isn't about one teaching the other, but rather two growing and learning together. He may (we don't know) have wanted that. 

Yes, he had equal or more control about whether or not to enter the union, but key difference is he didn't have the information necessary to make an informed decision. 
That she has a sexual past is not the point--no judgment there. Only that that was unknown to but one side of the equation.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

She didn't know his sexual past either. They both went in blind. Him being a virgin was only known by one side of the equation too.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

StuckInLove said:


> LOL what?? It sounds to me like for him, it's a fantasy come true. He knew he was being ushered into an arranged marriage, doesn't sound like he was against it, and also has never had a woman before. The woman who shows up to be exclusively his for life is someone so beautiful he can't even contain himself. Yep, total nightmare for him.
> 
> She's the one who said she didn't want to be married at all, was already living the lifestyle she wanted to, and was forced/threatened into this basically-sexless monogamy situation that she openly objected to. She's the victim...


Wow, what a load of it. Did you not read the post? She got married to him. If she didn't want to be married at all, she should have not gotten married. Should I repeat that for clarity? Or in a different language perhaps? Yes, she should have stood up to the "emotional blackmail". 

His "fantasy", his expectation, was to marry a virgin like himself. He was denied an honest shot at that through OP's deception. She claims that he was supposed to call her and ask. Since he didn't call, it's not her obligation to inform him. Huh?

It's so disheartening to see women who reflexively take the side of other women, just because of gender.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This has nothing to do with gender. In fact it's often the other way around where the virgin wife isn't good in bed and won't try certain things. I think he should leave too. No one should have to live with bad sex. 

It is unlikely that he gets much better. Longer maybe but that won't do her much good if he doesn't make an effort before or after to get her off. Even a virgin should understand that he should be making her have an O each time. Virgin is no excuse. Not being able to last long is no excuse. Most women can't get off with piv anyway. 

He shouldn't have an expectation of a virgin bride if he marries someone he knows nothing about. Yes he should have asked if it was something he needed. 

But her past really has nothing to do with the fact that he sucks in bed and doesn't make a difference one way or another.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> She didn't know his sexual past either. They both went in blind. Him being a virgin was only known by one side of the equation too.


Sounds like you don't understand much about cultures that practice arranged marriages. They're very traditional with regard to their view on premarital sex. His expectation in this situation was normal. OP that he would have this expectation and chose to participate in the deception. Now we've got a majority of posters advising that the dishonesty should continue. Sorry if I'm old-fashioned, but dishonesty doesn't strike me as the foundation of a healthy marriage. 

The truth is, if a man came in here explaining that he was "emotionally blackmailed" into marrying a woman, we'd all laugh at him. We'd know that any self-respecting man would refuse to enter into such an arrangement and we'd chide him for his lack of character.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He's not having a problem that has to do with her experience. He has no reason to need to know of her past at this point. 

Plenty of men get pressured into marriage. Most likely including this man. How they got where they did is also not the issue. It's done, they are married. Neither can go back in time and be smarter about the choice. 

Only thing that can be changed is the future and what she does about the situation she is in. 

I'd disown my entire family myself before I stayed with a man who didn't give oral and was bad in bed. 

This situation will just get worse if they add kids and become more financially entangled and have more time together. Imo she should leave now while it's easier.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Wow, what a load of it. Yes, she should have stood up to the "emotional blackmail".
> 
> His "fantasy", his expectation, was to marry a virgin like himself. He was denied an honest shot at that through OP's deception. She claims that he was supposed to call her and ask. Since he didn't call, it's not her obligation to inform him. Huh?
> 
> It's so disheartening to see women who reflexively take the side of other women, just because of gender.


I tried to contact and reveal the truth and let him decide for himself, as in the past I have told the truth to men and they did not want to continue with the marriage . This has happened several times and many men have appreciated my honesty. So you dare not blame me for not resisting or hiding the truth without knowing what I went through.

If you read my OP i have mentioned that this time my parents thought that it was a good match and if I opened my mouth I would jeopardize it. 

And please don't bring the gender thing to the table as no one is benefiting from that. That was really imbecile and sexist remark of you to say that .

I don't blame my husband however I am not going to be blamed either.

I am here just to get opinion and views that might help me survive this marriage or get any other solution for good.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

shwetap said:


> I tried to contact and reveal the truth and let him decide for himself, as in the past I have told the truth to men and they did not want to continue with the marriage . This has happened several times and many men have appreciated my honesty. So you dare not blame me for not resisting or hiding the truth without knowing what I went through.
> 
> If you read my OP i have mentioned that this time my parents thought that it was a good match and if I opened my mouth I would jeopardize it.
> 
> ...


You didn't answer my question,can you support yourself financially.If you can then leave this situation and move away from your husband and from the influence of your parents, at least for a while. 
You have a long life ahead of you,it's also YOUR life so don't waste it trying to appease anyone else.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> You didn't answer my question,can you support yourself financially.If you can then leave this situation and move away from your husband and from the influence of your parents, at least for a while.
> You have a long life ahead of you,it's also YOUR life so don't waste it trying to appease anyone else.


Currently I am not having a job and since the market is down it'd tough to find a job. However if I try hard I think I can make it.

I don't think running away is a good solution rather than facing problem.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

This isn't really a virgin problem. It's a selfish, lazy lover problem. 

Men who are good lovers will want to please their woman no matter what. It won't matter how long he lasts because he'll make sure she gets off before or after every time regardless. He'll have a desire and need to please you that's above his own. He won't think oral is gross. 

Selfish lovers just don't ever change enough for full satisfaction. 
You can learn to live with less or you can leave. 
Read some threads of those who decided to live with less. 10, 20, 30 years later and still frustrated and miserable with their sex life. 

You can sit him down and be clear this needs to be resolved or it's a deal breaker but it's a conversation you are likely to have to have over and over again.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

shwetap said:


> Currently I am not having a job and since the market is down it'd tough to find a job. However if I try hard I think I can make it.
> 
> I don't think running away is a good solution rather than facing problem.


You are truly an amazing individual... being so willing to try to make this situation work. What others have alluded to, if not said outright, is that for any marriage to work, both parties must be fully committed to making it so.

I have so far largely given your husband the benefit of the doubt, willing to accept that his problem is inexperience, sexual immaturity, and just a general cluelessness, probably from the sheltered life he's led under his controlling family.

Others have assumed the opposite, that he's just a lazy lover and inherently selfish. There is evidence for this as well. (for instance, if I wasn't satisfying my partner with intercourse, you can bet your bottom dollar I'd be polishing up my oral skills!)

You would know better than any of us whether or not he falls hard on either side of that line. If the former, you've got a chance. But if the latter, your situation is not likely to improve. Try to make a eyes wide open, completely unflinching assessment of that dynamic. This should give you a realistic clue as to whether or not you will be able to build a union that can satisfy you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> She said she got married under family pressure. We really have no indication of how intense the pressure is and what the consequences of not bowing to the pressure would have been. She said there was "emotional blackmail." WTH is that? It's not like they tied her down and forced her. It was against her wishes, but I have yet to see evidence it was beyond her ability to just keep on living the life she was living, or to find someone with whom she was compatible.


I guess you MISSED the post where she said her family needed this to happen because if she had refused to do it, she'd be bringing great shame and dishonor to every member of her family as well as his. While some cultures may see this is as a non-issue and refuse to bend to this demand, her culture sees it quite differently.

As far as her inexperienced and completely sexually uneducated husband goes, whether or not_ she's _sexually experienced STILL doesn't *justify* his complete LACK of consideration or regard for HER pleasure. He doesn't want to do a damned THING other then getg his OWN rocks off. He seems to think sex ends with HIS orgasm. 

So not only is he an uneducated 'lover,' but a very *selfish* one.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

StuckInLove said:


> Exactly what control did she have? I'm not understanding you there. It sounds like the marriage was completely and totally against her will, that doesn't sound like control to me. Any "control" she may have had, he must have had similar, if not greater control especially being the male in regards to that kind of religion.
> 
> All I was saying is that the bottom line is that he seems to be enjoying himself, and she is not, regardless of how they got in this position. Tatsuhiko was making it seem like her H was purely the victim and she was some kind of antagonist simply because she has a sexual past that he WAS unaware of. If he hasn't figured it out by now that she's got some experience, then I have no idea what to think. I mean, come on, what virgin female would be instructing her male counterpart on exactly how to please her, how to prolong his orgasm, tricks to try, etc..


Plus, there's the breaking of the hymen that didn't happen. I'm not sure about any other woman out there, but when I lost my virginity, I bled a little bit. If he hasn't figured out by now that she has even a little experience, then he's either not-so-bright, or would rather just turn a blind eye.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess you MISSED the post where she said her family needed this to happen because if she had refused to do it, she'd be bringing great shame and dishonor to every member of her family as well as his. While some cultures may see this is as a non-issue and refuse to bend to this demand, her culture sees it quite differently.
> 
> As far as her inexperienced and completely sexually uneducated husband goes, whether or not_ she's _sexually experienced STILL doesn't *justify* his complete LACK of consideration or regard for HER pleasure. He doesn't want to do a damned THING other then getg his OWN rocks off. He seems to think sex ends with HIS orgasm.
> 
> So not only is he an uneducated 'lover,' but a very *selfish* one.


It's hard to get on board with the whole "bringing shame to the family" thing when she's been living it up for years before this marriage. Where was the concern for her family when she was party girl? (again, not passing judgment on the wild lifestyle--just the selective application of worrying about family consequences).

As for your second paragraph, that may or may not be true--it takes some leap based on what we've heard so far--that he's inexperienced and quick. Other than saying he doesn't want to give oral sex, what evidence do we have that he's "lazy?" You're probably right, but we need to know what, if anything he IS willing to do. Is it clearly a COMPLETE LACK OF CONSIDERATION on his part, or is it just a matter of him being completely unaware of how to handle this? We haven't heard anything along those lines one way or the other. 

But before you go bashing me for taking one side on this--please read my last post--it clearly leans the same way you are right now.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If you have to teach a man that she should be having an orgasm he is lazy and selfish. That's not inexperience. 

If she was having him get her off and then thinking "ok, it's over now" without doing anything for him, she'd be selfish and lazy. 

It's no different. He's done nothing to please her in 6 months. 

The vast majority of women will never O with just piv. He needs to do other things before or after sex. It doesn't matter how long he can last.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Mostly agree, but there are some people who are remarkably uneducated about sex. I'd start with trying to teach him. 

Unfortunately I think she did that and he didn't want to do things for her. Of course that could be upbringing / cultural as well - for the longest time my wife thought that women giving BJs was abusive / a porn thing, not something normal couples did. 




SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If you have to teach a man that she should be having an orgasm he is lazy and selfish. That's not inexperience.
> 
> If she was having him get her off and then thinking "ok, it's over now" without doing anything for him, she'd be selfish and lazy.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think there is any fault here except for a society that has not adapted to the changing meaning of marriage in the modern world. There may have been a time when an arranged marriage without any contact between the bride and groom was actually a good idea, but I think that time is long gone.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Wow, what a load of it. Did you not read the post? She got married to him. If she didn't want to be married at all, she should have not gotten married. Should I repeat that for clarity? Or in a different language perhaps? Yes, she should have stood up to the "emotional blackmail".
> 
> His "fantasy", his expectation, was to marry a virgin like himself. He was denied an honest shot at that through OP's deception. She claims that he was supposed to call her and ask. Since he didn't call, it's not her obligation to inform him. Huh?
> 
> It's so disheartening to see women who reflexively take the side of other women, just because of gender.


I do agree with this, to a point, BUT, we all have to remember that these people are in a culture that is has practices that may be very different from what the rest of us are used to. I understand arranged marriages because I used to be involved with an East Indian guy from a traditional family. His parents told him that if he could find someone on his own by a certain age, they wouldn't arrange his marriage. If he was still single after that age, someone would be found for him. His parents were arranged, his brother was arranged and much of his extended family were arranged. Here's the kicker: they didn't get a choice in who they married. Some of them got to see or talk to their future spouse for a short while beforehand, but some met for the first time on their wedding day. So no, OP probably truly didn't have control of the situation, nor did she have say in her future spouse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If you have to teach a man that she should be having an orgasm he is lazy and selfish. That's not inexperience.


It is certainly indicative of a lack of empathy. But a lack of empathy can sometimes be attributed to immaturity and/or upbringing. While I was very much in tune with wanting to please my wife first right from the get-go, if I'm honest, I must admit I lacked empathy in other aspects of our relationship. I wasn't a bad guy, and I certainly wasn't unsalvageable. This guy may be unsalvageable, but I'm not sure we're there yet, especially since OP seems quite committed to trying to make this work.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess you MISSED the post where she said her family needed this to happen because if she had refused to do it, she'd be bringing great shame and dishonor to every member of her family as well as his. While some cultures may see this is as a non-issue and refuse to bend to this demand, her culture sees it quite differently.
> 
> As far as her inexperienced and completely sexually uneducated husband goes, whether or not_ she's _sexually experienced STILL doesn't *justify* his complete LACK of consideration or regard for HER pleasure. He doesn't want to do a damned THING other then getg his OWN rocks off. He seems to think sex ends with HIS orgasm.
> 
> So not only is he an uneducated 'lover,' but a very *selfish* one.


Her'es the problem with this post:

It is just a rant and is in no way helpful>

First you say:


She'sStillGotIt said:


> I guess you MISSED the post where she said her family needed this to happen because if she had refused to do it, she'd be bringing great shame and dishonor to every member of her family as well as his. While some cultures may see this is as a non-issue and refuse to bend to this demand, her culture sees it quite differently.
> *selfish* one.


So your implication is that she has absolutely no choice but to remain in this marriage.

Then you say:


She'sStillGotIt said:


> As far as her inexperienced and completely sexually uneducated husband goes, whether or not_ she's _sexually experienced STILL doesn't *justify* his complete LACK of consideration or regard for HER pleasure. He doesn't want to do a damned THING other then getg his OWN rocks off. He seems to think sex ends with HIS orgasm.
> So not only is he an uneducated 'lover,' but a very *selfish* one.


The implication being that this guy is inherently lazy, and unsalvageable.

So, your post does nothing more than doom shwetap to a miserable life of bad sex with a selfish, lazy lover. How does that help her goal of getting advice on how to deal with this?

Either the situation is bad enough for her to extricate herself from it in spite of the familial consequences .... or .... she's going to remain and needs to figure out how to make it better. Saying dude's just plain bad, but you have to stay with him takes away both options. 

So we have to figure out what makes this guy tick and how to turn him around .... or we have to realize that its time to tell the family to pound sand and look for happiness elsewhere.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Mostly agree, but there are some people who are remarkably uneducated about sex. I'd start with trying to teach him.
> 
> Unfortunately I think she did that and he didn't want to do things for her. Of course that could be upbringing / cultural as well - for the longest time my wife thought that women giving BJs was abusive / a porn thing, not something normal couples did.


Ok and did your wife blossom into a giving and loving to please partner? Or does she still have a selfish lover streak? Cause I'm pretty sure it's the later. 

People that have those views just don't change into passionate, giving lovers. They may get better at giving but holding onto hope that you'll get any kind of significant change that will satisfy you is why people end up 30 years down the road still having bad or no sex.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Wow, what a load of it. Did you not read the post? She got married to him. If she didn't want to be married at all, she should have not gotten married. Should I repeat that for clarity? Or in a different language perhaps? Yes, she should have stood up to the "emotional blackmail".
> 
> His "fantasy", his expectation, was to marry a virgin like himself. He was denied an honest shot at that through OP's deception. She claims that he was supposed to call her and ask. Since he didn't call, it's not her obligation to inform him. Huh?
> 
> It's so disheartening to see women who reflexively take the side of other women, just because of gender.


Forum rules prevent me from saying what I should say to you. 

BTW, I'm a dude, Einstein. :smthumbup:


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

While this website is a great place for marriage advice, I don't think it's the right place for you to get the advice you need in your situation. Most of us here do not have experience with Indian culture, arranged marriages, or the importance that your family places on your relationship. You would most likely get much more relevant advice on a board which is focused on Indian relationships. I would guess that this is a common situation and they have dealt with it before.

People here are very helpful, but they are coming from a Western background and are likely giving advice geared to a Western marriage. In a Western marriage, the solution would be something like get the marriage annulled, tell your parents to mind their own business, and find a man who is right for you. But unless you are prepared for your family's reaction, I don't think that would work for you.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

StuckInLove said:


> Forum rules prevent me from saying what I should say to you.
> 
> BTW, I'm a dude, Einstein. :smthumbup:


Ooh, and a tough dude too! You should consider adding something of substance, or intelligently refuting the points I've advanced.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am of the opinion to tell the truth. At some point he will learn of your past. Not only will he be hurt that you weren't the virgin he thought you were, he will see it as a long term betrayal of him that you didn't tell him.

Just because he didn't ask doesn't mean you didn't have the obligation to tell him.

Do you live in India? Do both your and his parents live in the same area as you? I'm curious as to how all this came to be that you have an extensive wild 8 year sexual history yet nobody else seems to know about it. Not your parents, not his, and not him.

I am also curious how he did not figure out you weren't a virgin the first time you had sex with him.

I don't know the Indian culture so I can't address those issues. However, this is your life. It is not your parents' life. You have to live with your husband. You have to have sex with him and not with others. You will probably raise children with him. Whatever problems arise in the marriage you will have to deal with. This means when he finds out you weren't a virgin, and when he starts learning how extensive your history is, there is going to be a blow up. If it is years from now, there will be a deep feeling of betrayal which may kill the marriage. Those are pretty big issues you will be dealing with.

Many therapists would say to never tell him about your past. On the surface this may be a kind thing to do. The problem is there are many ways he can discover it in the future. He can overhear a conversation you have with an old friend or room mate. A previous lover of yours could show up at the same event you are at and mention something about dating you.


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Shweta, please ignore the previous poster and never tell him about your past, unless you actually don't care about him or your marriage. You will do irreparable damage. I can tell you from experience.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

shwetap said:


> What you mentioned happens all the time , he ejaculated as soon as he sees me or I touch him.
> On recovering he will last he has never lasted more than a minute.
> 
> I am not complaining but since he has a small penis and is not circumcised with foreskin that does not withdraw back at all,it becomes difficult to put on a condom.


I am not an expert on penis', as I only have one, but this seems strange.

I am not circumcised either, but if the foreskin didn't withdraw back when I am aroused, I think something would rip. He must have a bunch of foreskin! How does he clean himself if the foreskin doesn't draw back? Has he ever had his penis checked by a doctor? Maybe getting circumcised or having his foreskin loosened would help the situation.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

How often do you engage in sex? Daily or twice a day should help. He may not like to give head does he desire to receive? It's the same if he likes to get he will need to learn to gives. 

However some never get there. How about a vibrator? He can learn to use those. 

India has the Kama sutra does it only deal with positions or male pleasure? There are also books like she comes first. This is ways he could educate himself on women's pleasure. 

Throw mama or some other family member under the bus and say they recommended the book for you newlyweds ?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ghost Rider said:


> Shweta, please ignore the previous poster and never tell him about your past, unless you actually don't care about him or your marriage. You will do irreparable damage. I can tell you from experience.


This is excellent advice _if there is *literally* no chance_ he can ever find out. Nobody from her past is still living. Or at least not living in the same hemisphere and does not know anyone she knows.

Unfortunately, secrets have a way of being revealed. When that happens there will be no way to salvage the marriage. None. Not in a million years.

Telling the truth now may or may not kill the marriage. It may or may not do irreparable damage. For the immediate future the path of least upset is to say nothing. *I can tell you from experience* that finding out years later will destroy the marriage.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I have now pondered this thread more than most. It is indeed a thorny one with no obvious best path forward.

On the tell or don't tell front, my initial reaction was to hold off for fear of crushing a fragile young mans ego in such a way as to preclude any chance of improvement.

The mor comes to light and the more I ponder this, it seems like the marriage and frequent sex have gone on long enough that there should have been marked improvement by now...but there isn't, and it seems like this is due largely to his unwillingness to adapt or focus on her desires.

If this is the case, it just might be 2x4 time, and saying "I've had better. What are you willing to do about may be what it takes to shake this fella out of his little bubble, one way or the other. Look, buddy, do you want this marriage to work or not?

Is there any possible social stigma to him of divorce? Is there any other leverage that could be applied since he isn't responding to a gentler approach?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Other than saying he doesn't want to give oral sex, what evidence do we have that he's "lazy?" You're probably right, but we need to know what, if anything he IS willing to do. Is it clearly a COMPLETE LACK OF CONSIDERATION on his part, or is it just a matter of him being completely unaware of how to handle this? We haven't heard anything along those lines one way or the other.


IMO, if a partner does not want to give oral sex (or proper foreplay in general) then yes, they're lazy - or more appropriately - selfish. End of story.

Sex is not just kissing and then PIV. A high % of women can not orgasm without some sort of clitoral stimulation. It's far less necessary for a man to receive oral sex in regards to overall sexual satisfaction, but nonetheless - selfish and/or lazy if you don't provide this to a willing, loving partner who wants it, or _needs_ it. Sex is a two-way street, and something like oral sex is so damn basic there's no reason it shouldn't be happening if one partner requires it.

As a man, if your partner wants/needs oral stimulation for adequate sexual satisfaction, you provide it. Many women _require_ it. Clearly that is the case here - whether it's because hubby doesn't last long enough, he's not a good fit for her, or he just gets right to it.

If he finds it distasteful or "gross", that's his own damn problem and he needs to get over it. It's selfish, plain and simple, and it makes for a terrible lover.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

wilson said:


> While this website is a great place for marriage advice, I don't think it's the right place for you to get the advice you need in your situation. Most of us here do not have experience with Indian culture, arranged marriages, or the importance that your family places on your relationship. You would most likely get much more relevant advice on a board which is focused on Indian relationships. I would guess that this is a common situation and they have dealt with it before.
> 
> People here are very helpful, but they are coming from a Western background and are likely giving advice geared to a Western marriage. In a Western marriage, the solution would be something like get the marriage annulled, tell your parents to mind their own business, and find a man who is right for you. But unless you are prepared for your family's reaction, I don't think that would work for you.


Wholeheartedly disagree.

The arranged marriage part has nothing to do with the actual issue OP is having.

The problem is universal - a bad lover, possibly selfish, who thus far has shown no interest in learning.

How and why they got married is irrelevant.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Thor said:


> I am of the opinion to tell the truth. At some point he will learn of your past. Not only will he be hurt that you weren't the virgin he thought you were, he will see it as a long term betrayal of him that you didn't tell him.
> 
> Just because he didn't ask doesn't mean you didn't have the obligation to tell him.
> 
> ...


I dunno, man.

If he thinks she's a virgin, I'm not sure that's her fault, or issue to deal with.

Unless it was expressly insinuated somewhere before the marriage (and I don't get the impression it was), then I'd let it be if I were her.

If he asks at some point, then she's obligated to tell him she wasn't a virgin before she married him. But who, when, where, how many - nope.

Look, there was no opportunity for courting one another prior to the marriage. Everything they know about one another happened afterwards. I don't imagine she knew he was a virgin any more than he knew she wasn't. Did she ask him this at some point, or did he announce it on his own? Or is she just assuming that he was one?

Regardless, it's been 6 months now, and unless I missed something, he hasn't asked her about her past, or if she even has one. I would imagine that if it was of any importance to him, he would have asked right away. And if he's just assuming she's a virgin, that's no fault of her own.

OP should never lie to him, of course, but she's also under no obligation, IMO, to disclose anything he hasn't inquired about. And if he does, just the basics.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

alexm said:


> IMO, if a partner does not want to give oral sex (or proper foreplay in general) then yes, they're lazy - or more appropriately - selfish. End of story.
> 
> Sex is not just kissing and then PIV. A high % of women can not orgasm without some sort of clitoral stimulation. It's far less necessary for a man to receive oral sex in regards to overall sexual satisfaction, but nonetheless - selfish and/or lazy if you don't provide this to a willing, loving partner who wants it, or _needs_ it. Sex is a two-way street, and something like oral sex is so damn basic there's no reason it shouldn't be happening if one partner requires it.
> 
> ...


You are also making some very black and white statements that may not be helpful.

I agree this guy needs to develop some oral skills and have said so on this very thread.

But saying "selfish, lazy, end of story" may not be true. Many have noted how many women think oral is disgusting or gross or unhygienic or ****ty or something nice girls don't do, but we don't always say they are inherently and unreedemably selfish; sometimes we acknowledge that they were raised that way, sheltered, or otherwise conditioned into that belief.

Yes, dude needs to get over it as I have said, but automatically attributing the worst possible motives is not helpful.

And we also cannot just assume OP needs oral to O; she said she has tried to get him to do oral specifically because he can't last long enough, which indicates otherwise; that oral wouldn't be so big a deal if he had more stamina. We can't definitively say one way or the other based on what OP has shared so far. Again, there is no doubt that this guy SHOULD be ready and willing given his shortcomings, but tha still is no grounds for making sich a blanket statement about her.


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## XXREXX (Aug 25, 2017)

Dear Shwetap,
There are so many sexual problems in conservative nations. I dont know Indian society and their customs but ı definetely know eastern culture. men and women haven't experience of sexual in the conservative society.

1- And every man wants to be first man of his wife in eastern society. 

2- they have not experience about sex etc.

3- Propably your husband suspects that whether you were a virgin. And maybe he can expect an explanation from you about this subject.

4- There are very important issue about your realationship. You should never forget that Your realationship sets up on the Eastern culture and your social customs. You never tell about your past. If he asks to you about you had ever have sex, You have to deny. This issue is very signaficant. You must forget your past. Because if you talk any explanation about your past, he never will trust you. The past of wife is very important for eastern men

5- But you can tell him that you in loved him, he was first man yours, and there is only man in the world who will give you pleasure, He is. Tell him, you dont get pleasure. But you shouldn't advise him. You just tell to him about your problem. (You have not any experience about sex, you cant advise him)

Your husband can't cotrol himself because he hasn't ever lived regular sex life.
When He gets inside Your vagina, he dont control himself and maybe he comes in 1-2 minutes.

(I say again You have not any experience about sex, you cant advise him )
You can give target him 5 minutes. You can try it, it wil work. After he learnt 5 minutes, you can give new target 10 minutes. Before ejaculation he can take out his penis. 

I would advise that he can try masturbate. But I dont advise it. Because he can get habit of masturbate. 

6-You had sex in your past. But if you would had any sexual experience, you wil undertake this problems. As far as I said every one lives this problems in conservative society. But nobody talk to someone. And no one is happy in their bedroom. But you are an open mind person and you and your husband are lucky

When Your realationship gets regular, everything will get better.

I hope all your wishes come true in your long long life...


Tapatalk kullanarak iPhone aracılığıyla gönderildi


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

A sexually-inexperienced partner is like a guy watching his first football game. He has no idea why they throw the yellow rags, who is a good player, who is a bad player, when the wide receiver "should have caught it". In the beginning, he won't detect experience. As time goes on, he will.

The truth is, married people CANNOT hide the truth from each other. The two people come to know each other so closely and so intimately that even if they don't "say it", it still is known to the partner.



shwetap said:


> I am in a dilemma , as if tell the truth it will shatter our marriage and if I don't and he finds out it will be a really messy situation.


Yes, and this dilemma is well-founded and a very difficult decision. But I want to point out that either way, it might shatter your marriage. The questions you really have to ask yourself is "when" and "how" ?

The "really messy situation" becomes far more "messy" with every passing day. If he figures this out after children come along, that makes it WAAAY more "messy".

And, don't discount that your deception is going to affect YOU, too, and prevents openness in your marriage. More lies will have to be told in order to protect the deception. Gets "messier".



shwetap said:


> I am married to a One Pump Chump.


Wow. I am struggling as to how to reply to this. You are already displaying complete disdain for your husband after 6 months. I want to be honest with you. 

There are those who will disagree with me, but I think there is no chance whatsoever that you can make a viable marriage with this man. I think the most merciful thing you could possibly do is to go your own way, and both of you find someone who matches your own experience level to marry.

You are going to become a vitriolic, angry, frustrated wife, and he is going to suffer complete emasculation. You both are headed for a world of hurt feelings.



shwetap said:


> I have tried to stay calm and be supportive


How's that working for you ?

My guess, is that it isn't. Already, at 6 months, you're calling him names. You are in a long-term situation here, a marriage. I'm urging you to get out of that before it takes you both to the cleaners. Life will be much more "fair" when the marriage is over.

There's a BIG salient fact here. You didn't want to marry him in the first place. Now, you really don't want to be his wife, because he's a "one pump chump". Please become honest. Tell him the truth, and let him go.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

alexm said:


> I dunno, man.
> 
> If he thinks she's a virgin, I'm not sure that's her fault, or issue to deal with.
> 
> ...


You bring up good points. I asked OP a few questions probing at the issues you mentioned. If there was any implication to the husband she was a virgin, then I see it as false advertising. If her parents represented her to his parents as a virgin, for example. Or if there is culturally an assumption of virginity unless otherwise disclosed. If he has said anything to her indicating he believes her to be a virgin.

It is indeed a very bad position for her to be in, with no solution that doesn't involve anguish. I think she is here because she feels conflicted that her husband has been deceived. If he didn't care or if he indicated he thought she wasn't a virgin, there is no deception and no cause for her to feel conflicted.

Though my situation was different in that I knew my wife wasn't a virgin, she directly lied about her past and she omitted information. This led to several bad consequences. One was the erosion and finally destruction of my ability to trust her when I started to learn the truth. Another was her not being fully relaxed and immersed in the marriage because of the wall she had constructed with her dishonesty. She was always worried that I would discover the real her, so she felt pressured to pretend to be something she wasn't. Finally, she became generally dishonest after learning she could get away with deceiving me. Her dishonesty extended into other very important areas of our marriage, which killed it stone cold dead.

That is not a satisfying marriage for anybody. In the end, 30+ years later, it led to our divorce. It would have been far better for all involved had she ripped off the band-aid in one motion way back when we were dating and just told me the truth. It would have been very upsetting, but it would have prevented all those decades of unhappiness.

This is a problem of her own doing. She could have refused the marriage. She could have insisted on a conversation with him before the ceremony. No wonder her parents locked her down, they knew he would not marry her if he knew the truth. Her behavior over those 8 years was very much contrary to her parents' moral standards, yet she was not willing to accept the consequences of her behavior regarding her parents' culture. That is, she chose the wild sexual behavior but then wants to hide from the consequences.

Being the virgin wife to the traditional husband is not her. It is not who she is both psychologically and in physical reality. She is living a lie in this marriage. I don't see how she can have a satisfying marriage with this *huge* lie in the way.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

TJW said:


> Already, at 6 months, you're calling him names. You are in a long-term situation here, a marriage. I'm urging you to get out of that before it takes you both to the cleaners. Life will be much more "fair" when the marriage is over.
> 
> There's a BIG salient fact here. You didn't want to marry him in the first place. Now, you really don't want to be his wife, because he's a "one pump chump". Please become honest. Tell him the truth, and let him go.


Or, just divorce him without telling him the truth. That is an option too. It spares him and the families the embarrassment. Then move to a place where your sexual history is not seen as a problem. Marry someone who has a similar history as you and whom you are sexually compatible with. You will be far happier. Your current husband will be happier. Your parents will be unhappy, but that's on them, as they are the ones who set up an incompatible marriage and, I am guessing, they knew enough of your sexual history to know they were putting you in an untenable position.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Schwetap, if you are as beautiful as your picture, your husband is overwhelmed with his hormones when you are near him. Then when you get in bed with him he is already over-aroused. 

I will suggest a game you can try with him. It is "His night, her night". One night is designated as "his night", where he gets what he wants. But, he has to tell you what to do. You don't do anything without him either saying what he wants or showing you what he wants. Then, on your night you get to tell him what to do. This is your chance to suggest, gently, various techniques. Like, "try a little bit higher", or "go back to what you were doing just a moment ago". And, reward him when he is doing something you like. Smile, say how fun it was, give him a hug while he is doing it. Positive reinforcement works. When it is "your night", he is forced to focus on you. Under the right circumstances you could even tell him sternly "don't you cum yet!". But then be sure to give him positive reinforcement if he doesn't cum right then, even if he doesn't last as long as you'd like. Every inch of improvement is a win, and it will add up to big improvements with repetition.

As to oral sex, I think it is something you can pretty much insist on. Offer a compromise. You could bathe just before. You can even make the bath part of the foreplay where he helps wash you. You could use a dental dam, which is like a condom in that it is a barrier to prevent disease during oral sex. After he gets some experience with the dam, he can be transitioned to not using it.

If he is not willing to try these things, I think his philosophy on married sex is not compatible with yours. He sees sex as for the man's pleasure. He does not care enough about you to make the effort or to push his comfort zone.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Women who don't give oral, don't try to make sex pleasurably are selfish and lazy in bed too. 
They also rarely change into fulfilling sexual partners. 

Men stay hoping it'll get better and it doesn't and now they are having to face leaving children and their homes and lifestyle for better sex. 

If you see the red flags of a selfish lover you should get out asap. Before you're even more entangled with them. 

Chances of you ever having a fulfilling sex life are slim to none. 

Her past before him isn't his business and has nothing to do with him being a bad lover.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In long sessions of manual foreplay, try executing either the orgasm control, learning aids of either the "squeeze technique" or by "edging!"

Without going into detail, just "google" them and explicitly follow the instructions!

It's not only pleasurable, but he can greatly benefit from it! And when he is finally allowed to release, it can be absolutely mind-blowing!

Hope that this helps!*


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## Ghost Rider (Mar 6, 2017)

Thor said:


> This is excellent advice _if there is *literally* no chance_ he can ever find out. Nobody from her past is still living. Or at least not living in the same hemisphere and does not know anyone she knows.


I don't think all of this is even remotely necessary. I think the probability just has to be sufficiently small.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Her past before him isn't his business and has nothing to do with him being a bad lover.


Very true.
However, its worth considering the possibility using disclosure as motivation. 

"Look, young fella, I've had good sex. Do you want to go through your whole life with an unsatisfied wife who would rather fantasize about the past, or do you want to step up and make some hot new memories I can be proud of? I've told you how to start down that path, ball's in your court so whatcha' gonna' do."

I acknowledge that this comes to my mind because I'm the type who loves a challenge, and look for opportunities to not only meet, but exceed expectation. I have no idea how this fella would react. Of course there is risk with this approach, but it may be worth weighing against a near certainty of a life of bad sex. While he may finally get a clue and rise to the challenge, he may be irrevocably crushed or he may prove to be so selfish as to not care an d press on as always--but even those negative outcomes reveal important information which can be used to choose a different path.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Thor said:


> You bring up good points. I asked OP a few questions probing at the issues you mentioned. If there was any implication to the husband she was a virgin, then I see it as false advertising. If her parents represented her to his parents as a virgin, for example. Or if there is culturally an assumption of virginity unless otherwise disclosed. If he has said anything to her indicating he believes her to be a virgin.
> 
> It is indeed a very bad position for her to be in, with no solution that doesn't involve anguish. I think she is here because she feels conflicted that her husband has been deceived. If he didn't care or if he indicated he thought she wasn't a virgin, there is no deception and no cause for her to feel conflicted.
> 
> ...


Fully agree.

The thing is, I'm not sure she cares all that much about whether her past will come out. At least, I don't get that impression. She doesn't seem to be remorseful of it, nor should she, I suppose.

What I mainly see here is that she has a husband that is a lousy lover. She's just like any other wife or husband who comes here and asks for advice about how to get their spouse to not suck in bed.

Ironically enough, her experience has shown her that he doesn't measure up. Had she also had no experience, it's highly likely she'd go through life assuming that this is what sex is, and simply never know any better. Or at the very least, it could have taken years for her to realize there's more to it than what he's giving her.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You are also making some very black and white statements that may not be helpful.
> 
> I agree this guy needs to develop some oral skills and have said so on this very thread.
> 
> ...


Fair enough. I'm not usually so black and white about things. I just find it difficult to put this particular issue any other way.

To me, ensuring your partner is sexually satisfied (as well as yourself) is literally what sex is about. It's two people. It's not just about you.

Refusing - literally refusing - to pleasure your partner is selfish, especially for a man. As I said, men don't require oral sex to achieve orgasm or over all sexual satisfaction. It could be argued that it's a "nice to have" not a "need to have" (though some would disagree). For many women, it's almost necessary.

My wife is kind of the opposite. She enjoys oral sex and can orgasm from it, but it's not necessary, and she'd rather have PIV. This is when she has the best orgasms, and over all experience. If I refused to have PIV with her and did only other things (and only for a short period of time, at that), I don't think she'd be thrilled, and she'd almost certainly think I was being selfish.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Hope you are still around.

After he comes too quickly a couple of times, you should be able to get him to last a little longer.

and with your charms, you should be able to teach him about some of your needs.

Have you watched instruction videos with him?

Or have him watch you masturbate? Somehow you need to let him know that he is leaving you wanting more.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

shwetap said:


> I am worried that since I have had such a wild past , it will come back to haunt me and I will be exposed. I am in a dilemma , as if tell the truth it will shatter our marriage and if I don't and he finds out it will be a really messy situation.
> 
> He is willing to learn but he is not a good learner as I have been trying to teach him since day one. He fumbles and and gets nervous and gets excited and comes. Most of the time he just comes seeing me even before he touches me. So I am left on my own high and dry.
> 
> ...


Your husband was miss lead by your parents not you.

Your husband came into the marriage under the belief that you were never with another man so why would he ask. 

You tried to talk with him before the marriage and failed because you gave up and resigned yourself to the marriage. 

He deserves to know the truth. It is different in other countries where sex before marriage is the normal thing now. 

You need to talk with him and explain what your parents did to prevent you from talking with him. Then tell him the truth.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

shwetap, you are never going to be ok with this marriage. 

Do you love your husband?

If not, then tell the truth. Give him the chance to find someone else. These also allows you the chance to find someone. 

Or stay married to him be unhappy and get caught cheating one day.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Haven't heard from shwetap in a while.

You still out there? How's it going?


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> It's hard to get on board with the whole "bringing shame to the family" thing when she's been living it up for years before this marriage. Where was the concern for her family when she was party girl? (again, not passing judgement on the wild lifestyle--just the selective application of worrying about family consequences).



Indeed you are judging me based on my past.

I have mentioned the truth that I have had multiple casual consensual sexual relationships with men as I must admit that I really enjoyed having sex from the the day I started having it for the first time. 

I have always been careful in selecting my partner for enjoying sex , so that my parents remain ignorant about my sex life.

Since SEX is one of the basic needs of human, judging me for what I did would be meaningless and you might say I covered up my tracks and kept a good terms with all my past lovers and never parted on bad terms.

I know many people who have sex before marriage and most people call a woman S!ut for enjoying sex and a dude is termed as stud for being cool and macho and scoring and getting laid. People tend to forget that we can't clap with one hand and that a female is needed in presence of male to have sexual activity.

I am concerned now more than ever because if I tell the truth both the families will be ruined. So please don't judge a woman just because she admits she enjoyed her sexuality.


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Thor said:


> Do both your and his parents live in the same area as you? I'm curious as to how all this came to be that you have an extensive wild 8 year sexual history yet nobody else seems to know about it. Not your parents, not his, and not him.
> 
> I am also curious how he did not figure out you weren't a virgin the first time you had sex with him.


My parents live away from where I used to live and I had a separate apartment where I used to have sex with my friends whom I trusted.

Also every time I had sex , I never announced to my parents and then went over to get laid. Thus my family or anyone else was unaware of my sexlife and always assumed that I was a decent girl.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

shwetap said:


> Indeed you are judging me based on my past.
> 
> I have mentioned the truth that I have had multiple casual consensual sexual relationships with men as I must admit that I really enjoyed having sex from the the day I started having it for the first time.
> 
> ...


We must be having a language barrier here because *I most certainly didn't judge you on your past.* I care not one whit how many partners you had, whether it was casual or serious or anything else. Your sex life is yours (and your partner's, whoever that may be at any given time). *If anything, I hope you enjoyed the hell of your life so far, including your sexuality*. Please reread anything I've posted and quote for me anything I have said that judged you for being sexually active. You won't find a thing. 

My interpretation of a disconnect is that you are now concerned that your past may be judged by the families involved. If you were really concerned with this, you would have found a way to disclose this prior to the wedding. I understand you said you did try and were forbidden contact with the other family, so I feel for your predicament. I really do. But you also said you kept this hidden from your parents as well, who you could have talked to at any time. But whatever I may think about how hard you tried to keep things from getting to this point--I *NEVER * said, or even remotely implied, that you should bear any shame or guilt as a result of your previous sex life!

So you can drop all this accusation of double standards about men vs. women being sexually active. Don't project onto me the judgment you fear from the families involved. I levy no such judgment against you or anyone else. 

Coming from a different culture, I (and others here) may have some difficulty understanding exactly what you mean when you say "two families will be ruined." Does that mean that if your father is a successful businessman, everyone will stop doing business with him if you don't take the marriage, or if they find out you had a past or if you divorce? Or does it just mean there will be some social stigma attached? If so, what is the REAL effect of that stigma? Because living with a few dirty looks is entirely different from living without an income. One can be managed and the other can not. And if there is this "ruin" whatever that means, how long will it last? Will everyone carry this stigma to the grave or will people do what they usually do and eventually move on? What is the TRUE and LASTING effect here? 

And lastly, if this ruin is just one of perception rather than tangible goods, why worry about it so much? After all, they are the ones who put you in this situation in the first place! If anybody should bear the negative repercussions, it should be them, not you!


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

shwetap said:


> My parents live away from where I used to live and I had a separate apartment where I used to have sex with my friends whom I trusted.
> 
> Also every time I had sex , I never announced to my parents and then went over to get laid. Thus my family or anyone else was unaware of my sexlife and always assumed that I was a decent girl.


How did you explain the reason that all of the other arranged marriage attempts were called off by the groom? No one ever told your parents they weren't going to marry you because of your sexual history?


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Jus260 said:


> How did you explain the reason that all of the other arranged marriage attempts were called off by the groom? No one ever told your parents they weren't going to marry you because of your sexual history?


In most cases I would tell the guy that "we were not meant to be together as we have difference in ideology and views" also most of the times I asked the guy if he had "baggage related to past relationships" and most of them had a past that they said that they were not proud of.

They were in a mess more than I was so I asked them to sort out the issues and then think about getting in a new relationships.

So in many cases they themselves were in so much mess that they thought it would be better not to give in to the pressure of marriage by the parents .


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## Jus260 (Mar 24, 2016)

shwetap said:


> In most cases I would tell the guy that "we were not meant to be together as we have difference in ideology and views" also most of the times I asked the guy if he had "baggage related to past relationships" and most of them had a past that they said that they were not proud of.
> 
> They were in a mess more than I was so I asked them to sort out the issues and then think about getting in a new relationships.
> 
> So in many cases they themselves were in so much mess that they thought it would be better not to give in to the pressure of marriage by the parents .



If one of the other grooms decided your past wasn't an issue, would you have gone through with the wedding?


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## shwetap (Aug 27, 2017)

Jus260 said:


> shwetap said:
> 
> 
> > In most cases I would tell the guy that "we were not meant to be together as we have difference in ideology and views" also most of the times I asked the guy if he had "baggage related to past relationships" and most of them had a past that they said that they were not proud of.
> ...


Yes if a guy does not judge me for who I am then I would marry him


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