# Emotional Infidelity online



## nurse2008 (Feb 19, 2008)

I'm in a difficult situation that I'm hoping to seek some advice on.

About a month ago, I discovered that my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman who lives near by. I found this out because they had been emailing each other. Although I always had a gut feeling they shared chemistry, my husband insisted they were "just friends".

When I approached him after I found about him and her, initially he lied about how long they have been close. However, through my investigation with the use of an excellent spysoftware that was installed into our computer, I found out that his correspondence with her has been going on for almost a year. Almost a year!

During those conversations, he mainly lamented about how he wasn't close to me, and he also shared a lot of his dreams/hopes/aspirations/daily routines, with her. All the things I have been wishing for since we have been married that he doesn't do with me. He even at one point said that she had replaced me as his wife, because he knew he should be saying the things that he has been saying to her, to me. 

I'm struggling with this because I feel so betrayed. I feel like he shared with her any negative thing I have ever said or did, probably most likely drawing him closer to her. I don't trust him anymore and I can't stop thinking there is a woman out there who has a piece of my husband that he won't even share with me. Incidently, she is married also, and he insists he never slept with her. After all came out, I asked to have a meeting with her. It was very calm. And of course she only admitted to what I knew at the time. 

Anyways. We have small kids together, and although he and I are very different in our interests, maybe this woman just helped me to see that my husband and I are simply not a good match. My needs and interests are so different from his. But do I break up my family and devastate my kids in the hope that one day I will find a partner who values me or our relationship? As a mom, do I even have that right? 

It makes no sense to me, but he insists he wants us to stay together. I'm the one with the doubts. Still, after all came out into the open, we are still not that close. Not much has changed. Except he has ceased all contact with her. That I know. What a soap opera. Doesn't even sound real.

I'm just so confused and really alone. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## sarahdale24 (Feb 3, 2008)

First off, I would make sure he has stopped all conversations with her. Also, if you don't trust him anymore(which I don't blame you, I wouldnt either), then there isn't any hope for your marriage to survive, you'll never be happy, if you can't get past this. 

About your kids. YES as a mom you DO have a right. I am strongly against people staying together to benefit the kids. That is wrong and they might resent you for that if they have a bad childhood with you staying with your husband(their father) because of them. Its better to move on, allow them to have a relationship with their father, and you find someone that can make YOU happy! 

:iagree: maybe this woman being here in your lives, made you see that you and your husband wasnt meant to be together.


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## nurse2008 (Feb 19, 2008)

Thank you for your responses, both private and public  

I wanted to update my situation for those who were interested. We have decided for now that we will remain together and see how it goes. Although that sounds a bit wishy-washy, there are many things in our lives together and in our family that work. Logically, our coupling makes sense. No relationship is perfect right? You take the good with the bad. Marriage takes work. 

Although ideally I would like to be with a partner who is more interested and in love with me, it is something I am willing to forego for now. Who knows even if I would ever find that kind of love anyway. My husband is at least a good provider, and an excellent father. Leaving that may be foolish at this point for some pie-in-the-skye idea that may be somewhat of an adolescent fantasy anyway. 

Thank you for your input and thoughts.


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I really hope that it works out for you both. Honestly though always try to remember that you do deserve to have some one that is interested and in love with you.


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## tragic (Mar 3, 2008)

I've been looking around to try to find a place to try to work through being on the other end of this issue. So perhaps my words will help you. I have a friend that is a married man online. I've actually met his family since they have come to visit the state I live in but I've never met him or his immediately family. He is a devoted husband and loves his wife and has a perfect family.

However as we became friends online we began talking more and more and more. My husband and his spouse are fully aware of the friendship but I've had female friends that are constantly telling me that this is an affair. I've brought this to his attention many times. I've felt guilty but I've always discussed it with him. I've tried breaking it off many times and additionally I've full out told him that there is definitely something wrong in his marriage if he can spend hours and hours and hours on the computer talking to me.

I think he's finally taking a look. I believe infidelity is giving what belongs to your spouse to another person. And throughout this I've come to another conclusion as well. That wives and husbands who don't think its their marital duty to try to meet their spouses needs are really the ones who are causing online affairs.

I say this quite bluntly not to upset you but to help you. I am a noble and loyal person by nature and it would be very easy for me to simply sit back and indulge in the attention this man has given me. He loves me very much and I him. But I can't as a wife just accept this because I worry very much that she might be suffering in silence. His family likes me and I know very well that I would never cross the line. I even went so far as to find another different man to speak to online to take off some of the edge. It didn't help.

It is your job as a spouse to forge common interests together. What is the point of being married if you are not going to grow together? There's a reason this man feels more comfortable sharing things with me than he does his wife and the bottom line is that she doesn't really listen to what he's saying. She's got an agenda to deal with and expects him to go along with her. I think in a lot of ways this is something that women do when they have children. They create a plan and use their spouses as helpmates rather than being friends the way they were before they had kids.

I would suggest to you that you make a date night with your spouse to go out somewhere together no matter what. THis is not a luxury its an absolute necessity. 

In my case I know very well we are right up at the edge of this not being ok and I do know that I'm not the type that would indulge in it because I consider infidelity like murder. Its not right.

But at the same time I'm only human and when my husband is basically not a conversationalist and neither is this man's wife and they are fine to chuck us off to the computer together and expect nothing to come of this then I don't know what to say.

It hurts. I don't want to be in this position. I want my husband to be the man who wants to talk to me. I love him dearly. I am sure your husband wants this woman to be you. He wants you to be the one he's talking to. So begin to make that happen and try to realized that its not just his fault that this happened.


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## nurse2008 (Feb 19, 2008)

Wow. Thank you Tragic. That was very honest. I appreciate it.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

nurse2008 said:


> I'm in a difficult situation that I'm hoping to seek some advice on.
> 
> About a month ago, I discovered that my husband was having an emotional affair with a woman who lives near by. I found this out because they had been emailing each other. Although I always had a gut feeling they shared chemistry, my husband insisted they were "just friends".
> 
> ...



In todays day and age it is very easy to turn to the cyber world to fill gaps in your life. I think that now you have your husbands attention you can easy find out what was lacking in your personal relationship and find solutions. An emotional affair does hurt, and can grow to bigger things. One really can't say that everything is always someone elses fault, however a person can step over a line never meant to be crossed.

draconis


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## crushedinnc (Mar 4, 2008)

Dear Nurse2008:

I know exactly how you feel. I just found out on Friday that my husband had been emailing his high school girlfriend in January. I demanded to see the emails and wish I hadn't. I am trying so hard to move past this because I love him very much and I truly believe he loves me. We weren't even going through a rough patch (at least not as far as I could tell). I am devastated to think that I could be upstairs putting our girls to bed and he could be downstairs talking to her. The hardest thing for me to get past is that he told her part of his heart would always be hers. He says he has no idea why he said that but I know they had a nasty breakup and he was seeking closure. Of course, I don't understand why he still felt the need for closure after 14 years of marriage to me. To his credit, the emailing didn't last long and was over before I discovered it but how do I trust him? I guess I should take some solace in the fact that he came to his senses and ended things himself.

The other difficult part for me is that, in order to move past this and restore our relationship, I don't want to discuss it with people who know us personally. I would welcome any advice you can share with me on how you are moving past this. Please feel free to send a private message if you would like.

Thank you and I wish you all the best.


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## tragic (Mar 3, 2008)

I hope that my perspective might help as I said I've been on the other end.

I doubt very much that men who start talking to women online do so because they want to cheat on their wives. They do so because they are stressed out and its an outlet. I don't know what to make of when someone knows the person in real life that they are talking to because I've never done that.

But I can tell you that for introverted people who don't do well in social situations the lure of online is intoxicating. Its also about control. You know that at a split second you can click x and the conversation will be over.

I think that when husbands are seeking conversation online its because the wives are not communicating with them in real life. If you have not thought there was too much wrong past the typical fighting then it might be a communication issue.

I mean its right there isn't it? The need to communicate is so strong that men are turning to others outside their life. Look at your comment that you want to talk about this with people outside your marriage.

The two married men that I have spoken too both have said at some point that the wives do not support their thinking needs. Women are usually feelers and men are thinkers. Sometimes men just need someone they can say anything to. Its a natural trap.

I suggest that if you notice both you and nurse have children and while you were taking care of the children and family life he was off taking care of himself. 

Its selfish of the husband to seek out this fullfillment this way but I don't think most men want to go this route.

I do think that most men love their wives more than their wives love them. So I don't think its about not being in love with the wife but rather about not being happy with their life, their personal life. And not being able to tell you about it because you would get hurt.

The date night, especially when you have kids is really important. Take a night a week and go out. I will tell you that from my experience on the other end that when the man I was talking too went out on a date with the wife he was less talkative with me.

I don't speak for all women online but if I can help you any way I can I would like to because it will give me a place to put my energies rather than talking to him. If you have any questions I'll try to answer them.


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## True Blue (Feb 29, 2008)

Nurse2008 like you told me, only you know what's good for you. I think one good thing to come of your situation is you found out before he REALLY crossed the line. Yes he's wrong for becoming emotionaly involved with this woman but I think Tragic made some good points about communication. I'm glad you and your husband are trying to work it out, but like you told me, sometimes the answer isn't always the one you want. Keep an eye on his activities (love that spyware) and just be ready to do what ever is necessary to make sure you and your children are in a healthy and loving enviornment, even if that means you have to go it alone. You'll know when you've had enough.
Just remember you're strong and you can make it.


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## nurse2008 (Feb 19, 2008)

Hello everyone,

Just wanted to give you an update of my story...

My husband and I are breaking up. 

I found out a short while ago that the emotional affair that my husband had, never stopped like he said it did. Although he states that the level of closeness they had shared has decreased, and he insists they are now done, I'm fresh out of giving him chances.

To be honest, from the moment I found out in January I had a bad feeling about the whole thing. I thought to myself, if a person betrayes my trust and falls in love with another person, who's to say that won't happen again? Like the significance I and our family had to him, meant less than the other woman.

How can a person say, it meant very little and expect that to be a rational response? After all, if it meant very little, to me that says that he was willing to sacrifice our marriage, our family, for something that meant "very little" to him. Ouch.

Anyways, I'm telling you this so that those of you who are in similar situations will also have the courage to look inside and really ask yourself if this is what you want, or if this is something you can forgive. If they can do it once...

I made the right choice for me when I decided to leave him. No regrets. A relationship not based on trust, is difficult to navigate. In my opinion. Besides, what kind of role model would I be to my kids if I portrayed a person who did not believe she deserved better than that?

Good luck to you all. Thank you for the kind wishes.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Nurse you are divorcing your husband over this?? there must be more to it then that. 

this is correctable.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I wish you the best of luck in your future. I know that a relationship without trust is hard to get over.

draconis


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## Guest (Aug 7, 2008)

Tragic :

How dare you spout off all that crap, you are just saying that stuff to make yourself better and that it's a way for being forgiven and not actually doing anything wrong. When in actual fact missus it's women like you who totally destroy what us women who invested everything possible in to their marriage. I am currently perfectly aware of my husband going online on these forums and forming r/ships with women, one inparticular and after using the net to find futher info as I know my husband very well I have discovered lots of things. It is a living nightmare for me. I can't think straight. I am at a standstill. He continues with life like it's always been but deep down I am totally and utterly confused by it all. We are a couple made in heaven, or so I thought. He has probably discovered this w/site years ago, but then forming f/ship with these type of women like you you have a way of grooming them as men think with their privates and easily get excited. You then become of their thinking and then when it all changes. I have no idea what will happen with me as I can not confront him as I don't want anything to change as we have a warm, loving household for our young daughter. If I was to leave him it would totally destroy the family and cause illness to his mum as she could not cope with me leaving. So you think on Miss Innocent when you are talking to 'your friend' and knowing deep down that his wife is hurting in silence, because she will be and she's done nothing wrong. Don't you preach on here, telling us wives to sit back and work out what is wrong and what we our failing to do...we are getting on with life, raising our man's children, running a house, dealing with losing our identities as women as we are now mums...it's dam hard work. I will not be reading your response as I will be unsubscribing from here but I stumbled across your messages of wisdom and felt I had to write to you. You have problems in your life and you need to confront your own before you go on at us. I am a good person with morals, standards and I totally gave everything to my husband. I do things which make me unhappy to make my family happy as that is the way I am. I care so much about everyone and in a way I feel sorry for you as you think you are aware of your actions. You are not. Take heed. One day you will have your commupence. Good luck.


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