# Complicated



## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

Hi there, this might be a bit long (apologizing in advance). 

My husband and I are very young. He is 21 and I am 20. We bought a house together, and few months later we got married when I was 18 and he 19. So we just celebrated our 2nd anniversary together. As I expected, it has been quite a journey so far, full of rough times and wonderful times. I am so in love with him and have so much admiration for him and I am proud to be his wife, but obviously MY love for him isn't the issue here.

After our 1 year anniversary, I got into the middle of horrible family drama with close members, and I let it sink me into a horrible depression. My self esteem was already low, and it got thrown completely out the window. I contemplated suicide, attempted once. My college education suffered and I was completely emotionally detached from everything. I was numb at times, and the rest of the time, all I felt was pain. The only sure thing I had in my life was my husband, he was the only one that was there for me and the only one that could coax me out of bed. During that time, I decided to start therapy and go on medication(I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder). I am doing much better now, I still have my days(as I think everyone does) but I am dong much better with coping with them and not letting me get so low.

As you can imagine, when I was down, I not only neglected myself, but I also unintentionally neglected my husband. I know my depression took a toll on him and I have apologized to him so many times and wish I could take back all the hurt I caused him. I tried to explain that I wasn't myself at the time, and even though I know it isn't a good enough excuse I promised that I would make it up to him somehow. We were good, so I thought.

Fast forward to just months ago. I am 20 weeks pregnant at this time and I am working on controlling my hormones and I am suffering from SPD(which basically cripples me at times, it feels like my pelvis is going to fall apart). I am not in school anymore and I am unable to work. 

My husband dropped a bombshell on me, saying he wasn't happy. He also told me that the house not being clean really makes him angry and that since I am home 24/7 the house should be spotless and dinner should be cooked every day. I told him that it was hard for me to do some chores and that since he came home from work so late at night, it was hard to coordinate a big meal for him. I appreciated him and was doing the best I could. Things got so intense, that I just left to go to my parents house, I felt like I was getting nowhere and just making things worse. After a week or so, a couple of days with no contact from him at all, I called him. I asked him what he wanted, and he told me that he didn't know. That he couldn't make a decision about wanting to stay married to me on the spot and that it was complicated. I told him that I was tired of being left in the dark and waiting around and that I needed an answer. At first he said, lets just get divorced, then he changed his tune after while and said he wanted to try to work things out.

Fast forward to about a month ago(again I apologize for the length of this), I am doing my best to keep the house clean and have dinner ready for him. I am walking on eggshells, trying to please him and make him happy. He tells me doesnt know how he feels, and he doesn't know why. He wonders about his life,asking himself "Is this it?". He tells me that I am a good wife and I am doing much better with the whole housework thing, but he doesn't know if he is happy. He tells me he loves me and doesnt want to lose me and thinks that divorce wouldn't make him happy. But he doesnt know...all he says is that he is tired and stressed. He works and goes to school full time, so I understand he is stressed out to the max...but this whole I-dont-know-what-I-want-or-how-I-feel thing is really stressing me out too. 
I want to shake him and tell him that that is what growing up is, and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and yes it's hard but it's what he chose...and at the same time I want to hug him. It breaks me to see him so unsure about himself and his life with me.

So main points:
-At first he was unhappy about me not keeping up with housework. (Which I always thought was bogus and that there was something deeper than that bugging him...people dont just divorce over something so trivial)
-Then he tells me he doesnt know if hes happy or not. He loves me and wants me, and doesnt think divorce would make him happy, but still wonders "what if" I guess. I guess you could call it a is-the-grass-greener dilemma. 
(To me it sounds like situational depression, but he wont go to therapy) 


He now tells me he is not leaving and that he admits that he is pretty sure that it's his problem and he needs to figure it out himself. That he loves me and the baby. (He never had a problem with being a father, we both planned for this baby)

Am I responsible for the way he is feeling? Is his age a factor? 

I don't plan on bailing, when I took my vows, I meant them and I am willing to stick it out with him for better or for worse...but should I prepare myself for him to bail?



Can anyone shed some insight on how to fix this?


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

It's almost like he is having a midlife crisis...but he isn't middle aged...he is so young and I feel so awful...I feel like a burden.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

Just keep working on you. Try to have a healthy pregnancy. If he won't go to therapy, he's not ready to work on himself yet. If he's not ready to work on himself then he really can't work on the marriage. Hope for the best BUT prepare for the worst. Will he read some self help books?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like he's uncertain about what his purpose is in life. You might ask him who he admires, and why, to get an idea of what is most important to him, and figure out how his life compares to that person's. 

I recently used this with a young woman who was being self-destructive. She named the person she admired and said she admired him because he always had goals and was always working on reaching new ones. Since she became aware that she was lacking that in her own life, she's been developing some goals and feeling better.


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

That makes sense. He is still young and is probably still wondering what direction to go. I mean he has a goal, he is studying Biology, but I think he is second guessing himself. He does that a lot nowadays and that worries me.


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

Thanks for the advice so far. Any is appreciated.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I don't agree with anything that was said above and this is not about the housework. That is a symptom of the problem. I'm going to give you some brutal honestly. I mean you no harm, but someone has to tell you this. By your own description you have very serious emotional and physical problems. Attempting suicide is no joke and I sincerely hope you've moved past that. I don't know if your emotional problems were apparent before you were married, but your first year of marriage sounded traumatic. The things that have been going on with you would stress out the most mature men let alone a 21 year old in college. These events sucked the romance right out of your marriage. If I were your husband I would be thinking twice about what I got myself into. He's probably wondering what the next 25 years are going to be like with you. I think you need to focus on getting yourself well and keeping your baby healthy. The stonger you are the better your relationship is going to be. Your husband probably wants an equal partner. Someone that can pull their weight over a lifetime and back him up when he's down. I believe your going to have to be stronger and more patient. It may take a while for him to believe that you can be that person due to what he's already experienced. He was traumatized just like you and needs to heal.

Peace


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I don't agree with anything that was said above and this is not about the housework. That is a symptom of the problem. I'm going to give you some brutal honestly. I mean you no harm, but someone has to tell you this. By your own description you have very serious emotional and physical problems. Attempting suicide is no joke and I sincerely hope you've moved past that. I don't know if your emotional problems were apparent before you were married, but your first year of marriage sounded traumatic. The things that have been going on with you would stress out the most mature men let alone a 21 year old in college. These events sucked the romance right out of your marriage. If I were your husband I would be thinking twice about what I got myself into. He's probably wondering what the next 25 years are going to be like with you. I think you need to focus on getting yourself well and keeping your baby healthy. The stonger you are the better your relationship is going to be. Your husband probably wants an equal partner. Someone that can pull their weight over a lifetime and back him up when he's down. I believe your going to have to be stronger and more patient. It may take a while for him to believe that you can be that person due to what he's already experienced. He was traumatized just like you and needs to heal.
> 
> Peace


Sh!t just got real.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Enginerd said:


> I don't agree with anything that was said above and this is not about the housework. That is a symptom of the problem. I'm going to give you some brutal honestly. I mean you no harm, but someone has to tell you this. By your own description you have very serious emotional and physical problems. Attempting suicide is no joke and I sincerely hope you've moved past that. I don't know if your emotional problems were apparent before you were married, but your first year of marriage sounded traumatic. The things that have been going on with you would stress out the most mature men let alone a 21 year old in college. These events sucked the romance right out of your marriage. If I were your husband I would be thinking twice about what I got myself into. He's probably wondering what the next 25 years are going to be like with you. I think you need to focus on getting yourself well and keeping your baby healthy. The stonger you are the better your relationship is going to be. Your husband probably wants an equal partner. Someone that can pull their weight over a lifetime and back him up when he's down. I believe your going to have to be stronger and more patient. It may take a while for him to believe that you can be that person due to what he's already experienced. He was traumatized just like you and needs to heal.
> 
> Peace


I agree with all that you said, but her statement that he says, "He now tells me he is not leaving and that he admits that he is pretty sure that it's his problem and he needs to figure it out himself. That he loves me and the baby" makes me think he is questioning his direction in general. (I could be wrong and perhaps he's afraid of hurting her or wants to leave and is afraid she'll hurt herself.)

Certainly, if he knows what he wants from his life, he'll evaluate what he's doing, and that will include his relationship with her. But I suspect it's a bit bigger than that, too. He won't be able to get on track without first figuring out what he wants his life to bring. Once he has that info, he'll be able to figure out where the people and circumstances in his life do or don't contribute to him getting there.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> I agree with all that you said, but her statement that he says, "He now tells me he is not leaving and that he admits that he is pretty sure that it's his problem and he needs to figure it out himself. That he loves me and the baby" makes me think he is questioning his direction in general. (I could be wrong and perhaps he's afraid of hurting her or wants to leave and is afraid she'll hurt herself.)
> 
> Certainly, if he knows what he wants from his life, he'll evaluate what he's doing, and that will include his relationship with her. But I suspect it's a bit bigger than that, too. He won't be able to get on track without first figuring out what he wants his life to bring. Once he has that info, he'll be able to figure out where the people and circumstances in his life do or don't contribute to him getting there.


I think what your saying is true if we are talking about a mature man and not a 21 year old. I've only met one or two 21 year olds that actually knew what they wanted from life. It does happen but I think its extremely rare. A persons brain doesn't even finish maturing until ~25. It would be a real wake up call at 21 to be dealing with issues this serious. These two should be enjoying life as only young people seem to do. Instead, he's had to deal with her depression, an attempted suicide and now an unhealthy pregnancy. Its alot to handle. Why on earth would he agree to have a child with a women that has recently attempted suicide? That's the $64K question.


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

I agree with everything you all have said. But I am better now, and I am not in danger of hurting myself. I only attempted once and I feel awful about it. I got on medication and therapy and turned myself around 100%. I have apologized to him countless times...and he seemed like he forgave me for that. I can only apologize so much. I am a different woman now. Maybe all of this is my fault...


Anyway here is an update. The night I posted this, he came home from work and told me he didnt love me anymore.

He slept with me that morning, kissed me goodbye and told me he loved me, went to work and came home to tell me he didnt want me anymore.


I''m just not feelin' it anymore." and "I dont love you, anymore" "This is my problem" "It isnt you, you are a catch and you are beautiful" "I've been unhappy for awhile" "I have been faithful and there is nobody else." "We just need to worry about our baby now"

Those are just some of the things he said to me, as he held my hand and tried to hug me. 


All I heard was "I'm abandoning you with no home, money, job, education, means of transportation, and an 8 month pregnant belly."




It's been a few days since he basically forced me to leave what I thought was my home. I have my own place, renting it, but the pain I feel is unbearable. I had to go over there the other day to get stuff, he had boxes waiting for me and already packed up all of our wedding photos. He even helped me pack up the car. Packed me away like I was nothing.


He is not contacting me, and didnt even call to ask me how my doctors appointment for the baby went.


I am weeks away from giving birth. I know I have had my troubles, but I got through them, but does it really justify him walking out?


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

Its been a year since then anyway. If it was my emotional turmoil, why didnt he bail sooner? Andy my pregnancy hasnt been unhealthy. I just have had back problems. Thats it.


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

And he told me that my episode of depression wasnt the reason why he was leaving. He told me I did NOTHING, it was JUST HIM. He just doesnt feel that way about me anymore, and that it wasnt anything speciific that I did.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

im sorry for what your going through no matter what you will survive...talk to God and get close to him and he will show you love and your not alone...it sounds to me that he chickened out so soon...he didnt know what to do so he called a quits...i too met my husband when we were 16 and got married at 18 and now been together almost 7yrs...its hard i feel hes kind of bored wich is my issue now...we have two kids and he too wants to finish college...only time will tell for us i gues...i just try not to worry about it and focus on my job and kids...my husband also has a drinking problem and likes to go out and party wich i dont like! so im praying for help and thinking of counseling...would your husband go to it???


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## cindyq (Jun 19, 2012)

He says he doesnt believe in therapy.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm sorry cindyq. Everybody has problems sometimes and you sought help for yours. Many people do not seek help and blame their problems on other people. It also takes two to get pregnant so I'm not understanding eginerd's post. It sounds like your husband has already let go. Possibly found someone else. If I were in your situation I wouldn't contact him at all until the baby is born. Then my contact would be to serve him with divorce papers and child support papers.

Just try to take care of yourself as much as possible now, physically and emotionally. If it helps you also spiritually. You want to have a nice healthy baby.

Contact an attorney so you know what your rights are. I'm sorry you are going through this during your pregnancy.


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