# Was married to narcissist and struggling



## startingover3324 (Apr 18, 2011)

I was married to a narcissist for 20 years and finally divorced him leaving me with a lot of anger and sadness. I am 66 and have a hard time starting over. He had no empathy and limited capability to love. I always felt cheated from lack of communication, and no sex for 10 years. He was also a porn addict. I know it is healthy to be away from him and i don't want to be with him again but the familiarity and being alone is really tough. I was always trying to find ways to get him to love me but it didn't work. 3 days after i told him i wanted to leave him, he moved in with a 24 year old and a baby. He is 68.

Does anyone have any input?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Take it one day at a time. 

Wake up, take a shower, fill your days how you normally do, sprinkle in a new activity/hobby/be sociable, go to bed.

Do it every day. As time goes on, the pain will lessen. It's a cliche, but time is what you need to heal.

Check it out--he did you a favor. You already know he is no good for you and no doubt he'll treat the 24 yr old the same way he did you. Narcissists will never ever change.

Join a club, gym, get on meetup.com, plan a vacation, visit with relatives/friends. Do something nice for yourself.

You did the hardest thing which is leaving an emotional vampire. Folks that haven't had the experience of being a relationshp like that have no clue how hard it is and what the after effects feel like

Pat yourself on the back. You did a great thing for yourself.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Feel sorry for his next victim and thank God you got out! You have a wonderful opportunity to be the person he never let you become. Use this chance to enjoy your day. Get involved in hobbies and activities that you truly enjoy. Use the lesson you have learned to help others who are struggling with narcissism and neglect. Create a list of things you always wanted to do, but couldn't. Getting active i new ventures will help you free your mind of the dark shadow that such people can cast over us. This is an exciting time to be alive!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

startingover3324 said:


> I was married to a narcissist for 20 years and finally divorced him leaving me with a lot of anger and sadness. I am 66 and have a hard time starting over. He had no empathy and limited capability to love. I always felt cheated from lack of communication, and no sex for 10 years. He was also a porn addict. I know it is healthy to be away from him and i don't want to be with him again but the familiarity and being alone is really tough. I was always trying to find ways to get him to love me but it didn't work. 3 days after i told him i wanted to leave him, he moved in with a 24 year old and a baby. He is 68.
> 
> Does anyone have any input?


Don't feel sad because he appears to have replaced you with a 24 yo. Ask your self what would a 24 yo want with a porn addicted old man who is way way past his prime? She will fleece the old fool and leave him when he is tapped out. Do your think she going to want to stay and be a nurse maid an old man? You should feel sorry for him - there is no greater sad sack than a porn addicted old man who thinks he hit the jackpot. 

Look at him against what she could have in a man and you tell me, do you think her friends are congratulating her on snagging a man. They are laughing and wondering how she could be with a grandfather. Yikes For once in his life he is going to be taken advantage of; he is so narcissistic as to think that a 24 yr old wants him for anything more than his money. I hope you are set financially and have assets separate him because when she is finished with him he not have much. Sit back and watch karma in action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

^^ LOL Your post is SPOT ON.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't feel sad because he appears to have replaced you with a 24 yo. Ask your self what would a 24 yo want with a porn addicted old man who is way way past his prime? She will fleece the old fool and leave him when he is tapped out. Do your think she going to want to stay a nurse maid an old man? You should feel sorry for him - there is no greater sad sack than a porn addicted old man who thinks he hit the jackpot.
> 
> Look at him against what she could have in a man and you tell me, do you think her friends are congratulating her on snaging an man. They are laughing and wondering how she could be with an grandfather. Yikes For once in his life he is going to be taken advantage of; he is so narcissistic as to think that a 24 yr old wants for more than his money. I hope you are set financially and have assets separate him because when she is finished with him he not have much. Sit back and watch karma in action.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



LOL :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Narcissists are a particularly evil type. My father is destructive one and he has ruined my whole family. I can't even imagine what it must be like to marry one. 

No advice just total sympathy.


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Don't feel sad because he appears to have replaced you with a 24 yo. Ask your self what would a 24 yo want with a porn addicted old man who is way way past his prime? She will fleece the old fool and leave him when he is tapped out. Do your think she going to want to stay a nurse maid an old man? You should feel sorry for him - there is no greater sad sack than a porn addicted old man who thinks he hit the jackpot.
> 
> Look at him against what she could have in a man and you tell me, do you think her friends are congratulating her on snaging an man. They are laughing and wondering how she could be with an grandfather. Yikes For once in his life he is going to be taken advantage of; he is so narcissistic as to think that a 24 yr old wants for more than his money. I hope you are set financially and have assets separate him because when she is finished with him he not have much. Sit back and watch karma in action.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Love this post Catherine!!! This may be Karma on its way to greet the nasty old creep. This woman can't possibly want him for anything other than material gain. She's very likely also a narcissist and will scam him and then move on to her next victim. The ironic thing is, because he's such a narcissist, he probably can't see that she's going to best him at his own game!!!

Sit back and enjoy the spectacle of his imminent ruin, and get on with truly enjoying your life now that the cancer has been excised.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Seriously...think about it. WTH does a 24 yr old have in common with a man of 66 yrs? Come on now!!!


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Seriously...think about it. WTH does a 24 yr old have in common with a man of 66 yrs? Come on now!!!


I honest to god don't get this type of relationship and it makes me laugh my *ss off when men think it is normal for a young woman to be with an old man. When I was 24 I thought 30-year-old men were really, really old. I would have been thoroughly disgusted by the thought of being with a man much older than that. Really guys...if you're honest with yourselves...would you have dated a woman 20 years your senior when you were young? Of course not. The same is true for us women.

The only girls I knew who got involved with much older men did do so because they had psychological problems or because they were gold diggers and were simply waiting for the old geezer to drop dead.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Myopia1964 said:


> I honest to god don't get this type of relationship and it makes me laugh my *ss off when men think it is normal for a young woman to be with an old man. When I was 24 I thought 30-year-old men were really, really old. I would have been thoroughly disgusted by the thought of being with a man much older than that. Really guys...if you're honest with yourselves...would you have dated a woman 20 years your senior when you were young? Of course not. The same is true for us women.
> 
> The only girls I knew who got involved with much older men did do so because they had psychological problems or because they were gold diggers and were simply waiting for the old geezer to drop dead.


He is 68!! I am older than this girl and it kind of turns my stomach to think of living in the same house with a porn addicted old man pushing 70 yo. At 24 yo, she would have to be crazy. I look at 24 yr old men and they are so beautiful, at the peek of manhood. She could have of pick of those beautiful men and she gets with a nasty old porn addicted grandpa.  She has got to be mentally ill. Or very crafty, probably a little of both.

Even a gold digging women pick out the 50 yr olds not grandpas. But then a 68 year old man would be easier to manipulate.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> I honest to god don't get this type of relationship and it makes me laugh my *ss off when men think it is normal for a young woman to be with an old man. When I was 24 I thought 30-year-old men were really, really old.


Haha, me too!!! The oldset I've ever gone with was 4-5 yrs (my now ex husband). He cheated on me w/ someone 5 yrs younger and I thought, Wth does a 23 have in common w/ a 32 yr old? (at the time, those were the ages). 



Myopia1964 said:


> Really guys...if you're honest with yourselves...would you have dated a woman 20 years your senior when you were young? Of course not.
> 
> The only girls I knew who got involved with much older men did do so because they had psychological problems or because they were gold diggers and were simply waiting for the old geezer to drop dead.


:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> She could have of pick of those beautiful men and she gets with a nasty old porn addicted grandpa.  She has got to be mentally ill. Or very crafty, probably a little of both.


:lol:

You guys are cracking me up in this thread!


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> But then a 68 year old man would be easier to manipulate.


That's the whole point, isn't it?


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## Myopia1964 (Feb 10, 2011)

Sorry StartingOver...we're honestly not trying to hijack your thread. Just trying to cheer you up a little and give you something to laugh about in the midst of your pain.

I remember my ex BF telling me with obvious envy about his 50-year-old best friend's marriage with a 22 year old from an Eastern Block country. At the time I laughed and pointed out the obvious...that she was clearly taking him for a ride. My BF was incensed at my assertion and insisted that they were "madly in love with each other". Guess what...6 months later she had convinced him to pay her tuition to college in NY (they lived in CO), and 6 months after that she called to inform him that she was living with a male student and wanted a divorce. She also wanted all of his money.

StartingOver...all I can say is, GOOD RIDDANCE!!!!!! I know it's painful to think you've devoted so much time to such a monster, but the good news is, you're free!


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Myopia1964 said:


> I honest to god don't get this type of relationship and it makes me laugh my *ss off when men think it is normal for a young woman to be with an old man. When I was 24 I thought 30-year-old men were really, really old. I would have been thoroughly disgusted by the thought of being with a man much older than that. Really guys...if you're honest with yourselves...would you have dated a woman 20 years your senior when you were young? Of course not. The same is true for us women.
> 
> The only girls I knew who got involved with much older men did do so because they had psychological problems or because they were gold diggers and were simply waiting for the old geezer to drop dead.


My fiance is older. He doesn't have a lot of money, but he is 14 years older. I have allways liked older men. I don't think my psychological issues are too bad.

However the thought of being with someone over 20 years older doesn't do anything for me. There is a limit.


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

*Re: I disagree with some of the posts*

So first to adddress your post first I'm sorry for what you have been going through, I had a ex who was emotionally draining. And over time I know you don't see it now but over time you will be better, but only if you don't fight it on the process. I believe my ex was a borderling narcissit as well, he just never really account for anything he did wrong, and would lie through his teeth. It was nuts. 

But I wouldn't have had it any other way, I'm glade I left and when I did I felt good about myself, over time I healed. I then met my future husband, been together 3 yrs, married for six months. He makes me happy and I'm secure with him. I have to disagree with some of the posts, my husband is about 20 yrs my senior, I love to work,I'm currently trying to open up my own business, as for my husband he is a kidney patient and I put him on the dialysis machine every night. 

So I want to clerify that just because he is older and I'am, I'am not a gold digger, I dont have psych. issues and I sure as hell don't need a father figure I had a dad and one is just enough for me. I think it depends on the situation and the person. You know as the saying goes, you knw what they say when you assume.... As for everything your going through now it will pass. I wish you the best of luck and karma is B****.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Startingover, I'm so sorry for your pain. I felt nothing but overwhelming relief upon leaving my narcisstic husband, and I still do. I love being alone and having complete freedom over my choices. I have a hard time imagining EVER being willing to give up that freedom for anyone. I still have kids at home and it is tough at times, but I would not change it for anything! 

What kind of support network do you have? Churches and volunteer organizations are great places to get involved if you don't have family and friends around. At 66, you are not too old to take up a new hobby--or sport (safely!) or whatever you want. You can even consider--if your situation allows it--becoming a foster parent to a slightly older childer. That's not for everyone, but if you take the time to learn about the issues such children will have, and you pay attention to training and read a lot, you will find it tremendously rewarding.

This forum is a great place for support and although the others had a good laugh about how narcisstic your h must be, to think a 24 y.o. wants him for his looks and love making, they are also a wonderfully supportive group. You can nearly always find someone "here" to talk with, through exchanging posts or private messages, if the loneliness gets tough. 

Have you taken the time to purge his crap from your life and arrange things just the way you want them, of maybe even moved to a new place that is entirely yours, never his? That feels good--I did it, had to give it up b/c the ex fell apart (after moving in with a younger woman, getting engaged w/in about 3 weeks of our court date, and then having her turn out to be as crazy as him--which even he could see, b/c he is so miserly and she made the mistake of hitting him up for money). I cannot WAIT to have my own place--(the only downside about that is I won't see the kids as much, but I've been through when I did have my own place for several months, and it isn't so awful--we skype and call even on days that are "his," and I value my alone time).

Make a conscious effort to find ways to enjoy yourself by yourself. At first it may seem like you are trying just to keep busy, but after a while you will find you stop trying so hard and enjoying some things, giving up others. My solace when alone is reading--can't get enough time to read, as far as I'm concerned. I haven't watched TV in years b/c books are so much better. I love going to movies alone, too; I hate someone interrupting me when I'm "in the zone" and lost in the movie. 

There are so many ways to enjoy your time--and a huge difference between "alone" and "lonely." I've been "alone" as an adult most of my life (ex was never emotionally available--God forbid I burden him with my fears, concerns, b/c he just got mad and then MORE anxious than me, so I quickly learned not to share anything but the positive with him). I have good friends, sisters, and now my kids, so I reach out every so often--but I haven't felt "lonely" in about 3 decades, I'll bet. It is totally a frame of mind and once you find how to love yourself and enjoy yourself, you will not feel lonely, or at least not much. 

Please get counseling, too, during this difficult phase b/c it is a tough transition and you don't want to struggle alone through it--and there is no need to. The support of a therapist, plus their insight and education, will help you turn "lonely" into "loving alone." You will also be building up other support networks, too. It will all come together. Let us know how you are doing, and God bless.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

My grandmother in law is 91. She was widowed at 72. She took up oil painting and created some of the most gorgeous art you have ever seen. She used to take photographs that she saw in magazines and paint them but then took up photography and took her own. Masterpieces, they all are. At 73, she decided she wanted to take up yoga and taught 3 weekly classes. At 74, she took up wood carving specializing in Scandinavian style "folksy" people. All made out of balsa wood and all breathtaking. At 75 she took up skeet shooting with her youngest son. She loved it. It gave her such a rush. She continued all these hobbies until her 90th birthday when she announced (at her party) that she was taking up archery. She goes to the range 5 days a week taking a bus, clutching her bow and arrows even in the MN winter. She is 91 now and has come in 5th in a competitions with people LITERALLY half her age. Her eyes are as sharp as a hawk and her reflexes are better than mine and I am an amateur fencer. 
She was 72 when this all started. You are 66. You can take a look at what I wrote above and start to live life on your own terms. Terms that will finally empower you or you can pine for what was lost. What really was lost though? YOU. Take stock in yourself and march forward.


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## Anooniemouse (May 5, 2010)

Whose to say the 24 year old isn't into sexagenarians & septuagenarians? Maybe they ride off in the sunset together, happy every step of the way. It takes all types out there. It doesn't matter. 

The point is, he was a major disaster for *you*; he left your life after the whirlwind in a mess of pieces, and now have you have to pick up the pieces, and move on. If he had stayed, you would have gotten the same results, just many more times over & over again. I've seen a few borderlines mellow with age, but I've never seen a person with NPD stop being a narcissist. 

You likely don't have to think back very far to remember it was like being married to half a person, and there is a hole there that could never be filled. 

This is the time to lean on friends, _take advantage of divorce care groups_(they really do help most of the people there), and get your own house in order as much as you can.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Anooniemouse said:


> I've seen a few borderlines mellow with age, but I've never seen a person with NPD stop being a narcissist.


Yep.

People who are narcissists rarely change. 

So I doubt he will be any different than he was with you w/ his new piece. 

My ex-H was very emotionally abusive. We went do dinner one time post-separation and our waitress forgot something on our order and he made a comment like, "What a stupid b-tch." In my mind I thought, "Yep, you haven't changed one bit."

I will put it to you this way: when I lived with him I suffered massive migraines and had to take sedatives just to sleep because I would have trouble sleeping and felt anxious and would cry. That was 1.5 yr ago. I have not once taken a sedative to sleep since we separated.

Character issues run deeeeeep. 

Brennan, your grams sounds awesome!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You were never married to a narcissist. They are married to themselves. It's their world, you just punch a clock in it.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

3324:
I understand about being married to a narcissist. I kid you not: each and every day I had to tell him "you are the most handsome man I have ever met". If he cooked a meal, it was the greatest something or other I have ever eaten...everyday! For every action, I had to praise.
Now when I did something or came up with a very good solution, nothing was said or I was complimented but 2 or 3 days later, he would take it over as if he had done it. This happened many many times because I am creative and he is not. I used to object and then he would tell me I crave constant validation.
When I bought things, there was always a problem with them.
The isolation, never liked my family or friends until I was seeing no-one.
And this is the person I loved, aye aye aye...
Wish I could get my own place but need to sell house, get job then move on. Stuck in in-house divorce.

Be true to yourself and really look at what occurred not what you dreamed would occur.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I'm sorry you are in pain but I am so happy you were strong enough to make the leap to freedom.

The thing about N's is that they cannot change and you are spot on - they lack empathy and the ability to truly love. They are similar to sociopaths. Learning to accept that he is not capable of changing and letting go was the best thing for you to do.

Have you had therapy? It might help you to figure out how to meet more of your own needs and avoid hooking up with another person who cannot give you the love you deserve.

I guess I would encourage you to spend as much time as possible with family and friends who love you. Join a women's book group, knitting club, sewing circle, or take classes where you can meet other women. If you are active, join a running club or hiking club. There are lots of cultural clubs, as well. And if you live in a community with a women's civics club, you could join that to meet new friends.

To be honest, men have a much harder time after divorce because they don't have the nurturing friendships that women do, so I am confident you will feel happier in time. But it sucks for a while (having been divorced once myself).

Focus on living your best life and learn to love and appreciate the wonderful person you are. Practice as much self-compassion as you can; self compassion is the key to a wonderful life.


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