# I caught my wife "sexting" another MARRIED man, already confronted her



## HubbyDaddy2013

Hi everyone, 

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have Been together since October 2005. Since we have been married. We have not only been husband, and wife, but I always felt that we have also been like best friends. I always felt that she could tell me anything, and I could tell her anything. I have had complete 100% trust in her until this month. We also have a 5 year old son. ...Anyway, here it goes...

My brother/sister in law's house had a toilet overflow at the end of March. The toilet was on the 2nd floor, and water leaked through the carpet, flooring on two levels and into the basement. They hired a contractor to fix the issues. One of the employees of the contractor was someone they knew, and have known for years. Apparantly, he also knew my wife, and my wife friended him on Face book, and somehow got his phone number. 

He was invited to my bro in law's birthday party where my wife also hung out at for the night. I was working during the party, but I chose to go after a long day of work. I was there for less than 15 minutes when my wife said "Why don't you go home, you look tired". ...I was tired, and I didn't know many of my bro in laws friends so I decided to go home (Plus I was still in my business attire, so I felt out of place as everyone else was dressed casually) ...Anyway, this guy that she has been "sexting" was there that night, and I think that is where things started to get out of hand between her and him and this texting. 

So that was 2 weeks ago. After that weekend we went on a mini spring vacation. While we were there I noticed she was getting random texts to her phone. We would be out to dinner, and her phone would ding, and she would respond....10 minutes later it would ding again. After noticing this a few times I asked who it was, and she said "My Friend -----". " He went to school with my brother, and I know him from high school as well. He was in 12th when I was in 9th grade"

...I said Okay, and really didn't think much of it. Well we went to go visit my parents on vacation but she decided not to go. She said she preferred to go shopping, and I can just take our son to go see them. (She also does not like going to my parents house due to a couple reasons, and she doesn't get along very well with my Mom). So I said okay, and took our son to my parents and spent 4 hours over there. And she was on her own. 

I also noticed that she was VERY protective of her phone while we were on vacation. It was attached to her hip, and she would point the phone away when typing if I was near her. She never did this stuff in the past. 

...On Sunday night my wife received a CRAZY amount of texts while I was around, and I started to get mad about it because I knew it was this guy. I counted a total of 37 times her phone dinged in the course of an hour. 

So I decided to wait until she went to sleep, and I would go check her phone before I go to bed. It was 1am...I took her

I saw this LONG TEXT CHAIN dating back to April 2nd. I estimate over 300 texts in total. They were fantasizing about kissing each other, and having sex with each other in most of the texts. Apparantly, the night of my bro in law's party while I was sleeping she was texting him. She texted "You looked like you were glad to see me". He texted "Yea". and from there it turned more and more flirtatious. She would text him kissing emoticons. He would text her stuff back. ...Like her and I did when we were dating, and a new couple. Sometimes they would just text each other while at work casual "Hey what you doing?" type texts...then later on in the day it would ramp up to them talking about having sex in a car, typing things like "I'm un buttoning your shirt" "I'm smacking that ass" ..."I'm pulling my **** out for you" ....

Lots more that I don't want to type, but you get the picture. ...I did not see any PICS that were sent to each other...it was all texts. However, she could have deleted those if there were any sent between them....


I confronted her at 1:15am, and at first she told me I was blowing it all out of proportion. Then after me grilling her for 5 minutes, she went on to tell me about little things that "caused her to sext"...

For instance. She says she can't stand that I put a cup next to the sink with some soda still in it all the time!!! ....:scratchhead:

She brings up these little minute things. She then told me that I have not been paying her enough attention, and doing things with her. YET, whenever I am off from work I ALWAYS try to get her to go do things. Wether its just us, or if my 5 year old son is included. 

I had a lot of time off in January, and February, and whenever I asked her if she wanted to go out, she would say no. It's like she wanted to be a homebody, and in turn I felt as if she was pushing me away. 

Well...Today she was disrespectful to her Sister in law in a text message, and the sister I law shows up. She acted hysterical, and screamed at her, and also told her mother. I wanted to keep this away from her mother because of her high blood pressure, but now CAT IS OUT OF THE BAG. My wife went crazy, and yelled at all of us to PUNCH HER IN THE FACE, AND HIT HER. 

Of course we didn't, but the way she acted was very left field and totally unlike her. After a while, we had a calm discussion. My mother in law wants us to seek marriage counseling. MY MIL asked my wife if she would go to counseling, and my wife wouldn't answer her. After our 45 minute long conversation with my wife crying for most of it, and the rest of us venting, and trying to get inside my wife's brain as to why she would jeopardize our marriage, and why she has been acting the way she has been acting lately...my wife decided to end the conversation and lock herself in the room and go to sleep. 


I don't know what to do. My mother in law told me to go get a marriage counselor, make an appointment, and drag my wife in with me. Is Marriage counseling the answer? 

Overall, I feel like I failed. I am hurt, and my trust level with my wife is ZERO right now. My wife and I have not said I love you to each other since Christmas...I just realized that. This is certainly a low point. ...I told everyone I would have left her immediately if we were not married with a 5 year old. But I want to fix this, and make things work before leaving and getting into a divorce. 

My Wife SWEARS nothing physical happened, only texts/sexts. 

What should I do moving forward? Did I do the right thing by confronting her as soon as I found out? Can I trust my wife again? Or is it once a cheater, always a cheater? 


I have to go into work, so I won't respond until tomorrow


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## walkonmars

I wouldn't bet the house on "nothing physical happened". Not at all. Your wife has been deceptive with you and continues to deceive you. 

Did she mention that another reason she's sexting is that you failed to shave close enough, or that your socks don't match? 

Does she work? 

At this point you'd be wasting money on marriage counseling (MC) she's not ready for that yet. 

I know your anxious to get this straightened out but don't be in a hurry to rug-sweep this issue away. 

Do you know if the OM is married? You need to expose to his wife if he is. Find out what you can about him - but not from your wife - she will lie. 

Tell her to move to the couch or the spare room until she's ready to be a wife. You don't need a roomie with a boyfriend you need a wife - but not necessarily her.

BTW - check her text history on the day you were gone. If there are no texts between them for that time - it means they were together doing you know what.


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## tacoma

Well exposure has happened, it's unlikely she was getting physical with him at the b-day party, their texts don't directly reference being together and they most likely would if they had been, so it's quite possible she hasn't been alone with him.

Your exposure is fine, the fact that her family is involved is even better.

Your MIL is right, find a counselor make an appointment, if she won't go tell her it's not an option it's counselling or divorce.
Demand open access to all her communications, phone, computer, everything.If she refuses same story, not an option, she complies or it's divorce.
She needs to write the OM a no contact letter stating plainly and succinctly that she will never contact him again and any contact from him is unacceptable. 
Make a sincere effort to fix whatever valid problems she has with you.
You need to keep the moral high ground here.

Does this OM have a wife?Family?

If he's married send his wife copies of their texts.
This will get him to back off your wife immediately.


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## Horizon

I don't know if it's got physical; others here will say definitely yes. But i do know this - she cheated on you. She betrayed you.

Really, what's the difference? "A hell of a lot" you might say. But i look at it this way. If I'm accepting the other person's texts about wanting to kiss and undress and flop out their c**k and I'm responding in kind then I'm already involved - deeply involved.

The life long mental & physical commitment to one other person is fraught with danger. You wish these people who just can't face it would fess up before the fact but they rarely do. Just a trail of red flags and a mess for you to clean up.

Trying to find trust again will be like looking for a a needle in a haystack.


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## tacoma

Didn't even realize the title called the OM out as married.

OP find out who his wife is (Facebook, LinkedIn, whatever) and send her copies of their texts.

This is the single most important thing you can do to get your wife to see what she's doing.


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## Holland

Listen to her when she says you are not paying her enough attention. Do you/ have you ever engaged in foreplay of the mind? Have you ever sext with her? Maybe the sort of attention she says is lacking is not the "going out and doing things" type of attention she means. Maybe she wants you to step up and take charge, show her that you desire her, that you think about her and want her.

Sexting is addictive for me, I love it, it is a thrill and a must have in my relationship. It is like getting little snippets of attention even though life is so incredibly busy, there is still time in his day to think of me and connect.

Of course none of this will help you right at this minute but maybe all is not lost. Can you put your foot down, tell her that she is to go NC with this guy and that you are the only man she will sext with. Sit her down and talk with her then stand up and show her how much you desire her. I can say for sure that sexting is a very powerful thing to some of us, don't let this other guy be the one that holds this power, take that power yourself and use it.


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## TurtleRun

Def. expose to the OM wife.


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## happyman64

HubbyDaddy

Expose the affair to the OMW. Inform her of her husbands activity and give her a copy of his texts.

Then drag your wife into counseling. Make sure the counselor has experience with this kind of infidelity.

Then make it very clear to your wife what the consequences will be if she continues to behave in this fashion.

HM


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## MattMatt

OK. Protect yourself. Arrange for STD tests and for a DNA test of your child.

Why? To send a message to your wife to show her how horribly her actions have affect you, how you can now have zero trust in her.


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## ThreeStrikes

Your cheater wife doesn't seem very remorseful. She seems angry that she got caught.

1.) Expose to OM's wife.

2.) Ultimatum to your wife. She cuts off all contact with OM immediately and goes to MC, or she gets served with D papers.

3.) Separate your finances now. Cancel joint credit cards and checking accounts.

4.) Consult with a D lawyer ASAP to learn the divorce laws in your State.

5.) Prepare for the worst.

Good luck fella, welcome to the club nobody wanted to join.


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## weightlifter

Immediate access to everything. 
Get her phone and put teensafe on it. Now.
Is rhe other man married or attached? Expose!
Did any at the party see them flirt?

Seems you dodged the PA bullet? Does anything back that up?
Save two copies of everything. One in cloud. One on usb.


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## walkonmars

All good advice. 

You've only been married 5 years. These are the honeymoon years. Are you both in your 20s? Don't feel like this is a "soul-mate" or the only woman you could ever love. She clearly hasn't seen YOU as her soul-mate and best-friend during these last few weeks. 

She had no trouble being deceitful and quite brazen - sexting another man right under your nose. She had the effrontery to send you on your way so she could have some quality time with a boyfriend. What does that tell you about her character? 

Did she spend any sleepless nights during that time? Did she seem conflicted? If not, it's telling. Perhaps she's done this once before?

Is this a first marriage for both of you?


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## ThreeStrikes

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Well we went to go visit my parents on vacation but she decided not to go. She said she preferred to go shopping, and I can just take our son to go see them. (She also does not like going to my parents house due to a couple reasons, and she doesn't get along very well with my Mom). So I said okay, and took our son to my parents and spent 4 hours over there. *And she was on her own. *
> 
> (


Is it possible OM met up with her during this time?

Also, does she have Skype on her phone? WhatsApp? Viber?


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## walkonmars

TurtleRun said:


> Def. expose to the OM wife.


But don't warn your wife your going to do it. Just do it. Your wife can call it being vindictive if she wants to - the purpose is to protect your family and ensure that the OMW is in the know.


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## Chaparral

Your wife has to save this family, not you. Get the other mans wife involved. The odds are great he will roll your wife under the bus like a dead possum.

Do not text or email her. Having been warned by your wife, he will try to intercept messages.

Cheaters like to hook up during the day while they are supposed to be working.


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## hookares

She's already gone!
Sorry.


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## 6301

If she keeps up with the attitude then tell her to take is someplace else because your not putting up with a lying cheating wife. If she starts whining about it then tell her that she should have thought about that before she started sex messaging the OM. 

One piece of advice. I know you want to patch things up but this is no time for you to play nice guy. All that will do is give her more strength and make you weaker.

She has to know that she broke the trust between you and has had a EA and it's up to her to make things right, not you.

Yes you have a kid but don't be surprised if she tries to use the kid as a weapon to make you soften your stance on this. You wont lose your kid and once she knows that you wont cowl down and back off, then her trump card will be no good.

In situations like this, being a nice guy is a death sentence.


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## thummper

Sorry, but she wants something that apparently you can't give her. She's NOT going to stop. She'll play it cool for a little while, and as soon as your guard is down, she'll be right back at it again. Admit she's not going to change for you, and at least consider ending this "relationship."


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## xakulax

This sounds all too familiar 


spouse was caught with inappropriate texting with another man: *check*


spouse then becomes defensive and blame shifts: *check*


spouse complains about irrelevant and immaterial issues in the relationship to justify her action: *check*


spouse has become despondent and resentful to those who support the marriage with verbal or digital out burst: *check*



spouse claims nothing physical happened and he is just a friend :*check*



What you should expect next OP is; *it was just a kiss* followed by there may have been * some groping*, *we had sexual contact once*, to we have been *seeing each other for 3 or 6 months*. OP you are being TT or ( trickle truth) based on the behavior you have outline in your post I believe the odds are high she is having an physical affair.You need to decide if you want to stay married first before doing anything think long and hard about this and the other opinions you have read here.



What you should do as of right now is take nothing she says on face value until you know the whole truth questions everything.GOOD luck you're in for a wild ride.


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## Machiavelli

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Then after me grilling her for 5 minutes, she went on to tell me about little things that "caused her to sext"...
> 
> For instance. She says she can't stand that I put a cup next to the sink with some soda still in it all the time!!! ....:scratchhead:


Most women have a rationalization hamster, but your wife's is on steroids.



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> She brings up these little minute things. She then told me that I have not been paying her enough attention, and doing things with her. YET, whenever I am off from work I ALWAYS try to get her to go do things. Wether its just us, or if my 5 year old son is included.


Basically, she has lost her sexual attraction to you. Then along comes this guy she had a crush on back in the day. How often do women hit on you?

Everybody's right, it's already gone to 10 on the adultery meter. They got it on when you went to your parents, for sure, probably other times as well.

If you want to get her back you need to lay down the law. Meanwhile, you start detaching and getting in shape. How overweight are you?


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## phillybeffandswiss

Holland said:


> Listen to her when she says you are not paying her enough attention. .


No, assess it truthfully and see if you really weren't paying attention to the level she claims. I'm talking real neglect, not the "I got caught, so you were inattentive" garbage. At this juncture it is irrelevant and a smokescreen. She should have talked to you if she wanted special foreplay. The funny thing about cheaters is, they always find a way to find you lacking in certain departments.

Seriously, she said cup placement made her text. LOL, this isn't about you being inattentive, it's about you catching her cheating.


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## HarryDoyle

> Time to kick her out, file for divorce. I am against divorce as much as possible, but infidelity like this, and the way she treats you is against what God says, and after all she has put you through I don't see any reason to be able to forgive what she has done. Time to kick her to the curb, and move on!


Sound familiar? That was you about nine months ago. Do *you* still feel this way about infidelity? What your wife has done *is* cheating and if it hasn't gone physical its not because they didn't want to, it's because they just haven't worked out when and how. It took my WW three months to work out how to hook up with the OM and not get caught. If she doesn't show some clear remorse soon you're in big trouble. Don't blame yourself and put your foot down now. Don't let her sugar coat this just because she says it hasn't gone physical. Cheaters lie and liars cheat, don't trust a word she says until she comes completely clean about this whole thing.


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## tom67

Let the guys workplace aware of his behavior also.


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## turnera

Let the OM's wife know, and see what happens from there.

DO let your W know that you're listening to her. She has issues, no matter what she's done. Hear what they are.


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## phillybeffandswiss

Let your wife know she should have came to you first, instead of telling another man about her problems.


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## the guy

Tell your old lady that she can either keep up with you or get the phuck out of the way. You will be better off with out her crap and then wish her the best.
#1 chicks like confident men. #2 people want what they can't have....

Bottom line never cry or beg for this marriage. 

Raise your attraction level by showing her that you will command respect and will not tolorate being her plan B!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix

Machiavelli said:


> Basically, she has lost her sexual attraction to you. Then along comes this guy she had a crush on back in the day.


That's it in a nutshell Dawg. If she had a high romantic interest in you she wouldn't have made herself available to this dude. Maybe not all but a vast majority of the time involving affairs, women first lose romantic interest, then they cheat. Its very rare to find a cheating wife with a high romantic interest in their husband. The exceptions are crazy and there is nothing anybody can do about it.
Making the "right" moves (losing the beta reputation) to make wife return to the fold for successful reconciliation is not merely shocking her into reality as some believe, but rather causing her to regain a romantic interest. 
Unless you cause her to regain the crucial romantic interest, you end up like some with the wife "needing space", or recidivism. 
If it were me I'd tell her that based on the messages, I can see she wants to be with him and nothing I want more than to see her happy, therefore I'm stepping aside and releasing her from the marriage. I can see from her reasons that I don't have what it takes and she will be much happier if I'm out of the picture.
Remember my man, guys married to women who can’t stop texting, flirting, and sleeping with other men are miserable.


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## nuclearnightmare

Holland said:


> Listen to her when she says you are not paying her enough attention. Do you/ have you ever engaged in foreplay of the mind? Have you ever sext with her? Maybe the sort of attention she says is lacking is not the "going out and doing things" type of attention she means. Maybe she wants you to step up and take charge, show her that you desire her, that you think about her and want her.
> 
> Sexting is addictive for me, I love it, it is a thrill and a must have in my relationship. It is like getting little snippets of attention even though life is so incredibly busy, there is still time in his day to think of me and connect.
> 
> Of course none of this will help you right at this minute but maybe all is not lost. Can you put your foot down, tell her that she is to go NC with this guy and that you are the only man she will sext with. Sit her down and talk with her then stand up and show her how much you desire her. I can say for sure that sexting is a very powerful thing to some of us, don't let this other guy be the one that holds this power, take that power yourself and use it.


I don't disagree with this advice. One thing I'd say though is you should tell her that acting like a slvt makes you desire her a lot LESS than you did before, and that she needs to help you get that desire back. Then ask her what she plans to do about that......


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## HubbyDaddy2013

Machiavelli said:


> Most women have a rationalization hamster, but your wife's is on steroids.
> 
> 
> 
> Basically, she has lost her sexual attraction to you. Then along comes this guy she had a crush on back in the day. How often do women hit on you?
> 
> Everybody's right, it's already gone to 10 on the adultery meter. They got it on when you went to your parents, for sure, probably other times as well.
> 
> If you want to get her back you need to lay down the law. Meanwhile, you start detaching and getting in shape. How overweight are you?



And tonight while I was at work she texted me saying that she was watching "Sex sent me to the ER" and wishing I was at home with her. 

I am over weight, but not by much. I'm 6'0 and weigh 226. ...My wife is 5'7 and weighs 235. She did weigh 280 after having our son...Over the past 5 years she has slowly lost 45 lbs. She says she is fat from time to time...and she is, but I always try to encourage her to feel better about herself. I try to motivate her to exercise, but she rarely ever goes out to walk with me. She doesn't eat a lot. I eat double the amount of food she eats. I think her issue is she doesn't exercise. 

I just got home, and she proceeded to tell me about all the Sex sent me to the ER shows. I am downstairs now having a drink, and obviously on this website for a bit to read all these responses. 


As far as the other Man. For more info. He is 3 years older than us at 35. You are correct...She did go to high school with him. She was in 9th, and he was in 12th. He is a Acquaintance of her brother. THE MAN IS MARRIED WITH 6 KIDS. HE IS ON HIS 2ND MARRAIGE. 

This guy is also a cheap handy man who contracts work. The reason my wife started talking/sexting with him about 3 weeks ago is because he started doing work on my brother in law's house. 

My wife had decided herself while we were on spring vacation that she was cancelling our summer vacation, and spending the rest of our tax return money n repairing our kitchen. She didn't discuss this with me. I told her if that is what you really want then we will do that. Of course that is BEFORE I knew she was sexting with this man who she was planning to hire to do the job!!! 

This morning what brought the blow up about is her telling me out of no where that either we have this guy do the work for cheap for us, or I can go find a contractor myself and pay the contractor myself with MY MONEY, and not use OUR tax return towards it. ...That is what infuriated me even further...It was totally disrespectful, and that is what brought on her Mother in Law finding out today about her EA/Sexting, and us having this big discussion earlier. 


This GUY'S WIFE ALSO NOW KNOWS. My Sister in Law contacted the wife, and told her everything. They are also acquaintances with her as well. What is worse is that my wife is also a Facebook friend with his wife as well.


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## phillybeffandswiss

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> It was totally disrespectful, and that is what brought on her Mother in Law finding out today about her EA/Sexting, and us having this big discussion earlier.
> 
> 
> This GUY'S WIFE ALSO NOW KNOWS. My Sister in Law contacted the wife, and told her everything. They are also acquaintances with her as well. What is worse is that my wife is also a Facebook friend with his wife as well.


Well, I do like that people are actually doing the right thing.

Nope, dude isn't coming in my house and I don't care how much money I save. I'm not funding an idiot trying to get in my wife's pants. Put your foot down, things like vacations and remodeling are mutual decisions. You have more problems than being inattentive, it sounds like she is extremely selfish.


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## HubbyDaddy2013

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Well, I do like that people are actually doing the right thing.
> 
> Nope, dude isn't coming in my house and I don't care how much money I save. I'm not funding an idiot trying to get in my wife's pants. Put your foot down, things like vacations and remodeling are mutual decisions. You have more problems than being inattentive, it sounds like she is extremely selfish.


You hit the nail on the head. My wife is a selfish person. I never caught the selfish mentality while we were dating. It seemed to appear after we got married. She is always thinking about what she wants. She never does stuff for me. 

I am always asking her what she wants to eat when I go out to grab lunch. I always bring her back something. When she goes out to get lunch or dinner, and I worked that night, and she KNOWS there is nothing for me to eat when I get home yet she won't bother picking anything up for me or asking me if she can get me something. 

She also hardly ever cooks. I am always having to go out and buy dinner to bring home. If I cook...unless I am making hamburgers...she won't eat. She is a very picky eater. I made a fantastic chicken fettucine alfredo dish with peas in it about 3 months ago for dinner. I spent an hour making that dinner. I put a Italian marinade on the chicken. I was proud of that dinner! She decided she wasn't in the mood for pasta, didn't want to even bother tasting the food I cooked, and decided to have a bowl of cereal for dinner. 

...CHICKEN ALFREDO IS HER FAVORITE ITALIAN DISH when we go out to Italian restaurants. ...She didn't want any because I cooked it! 

Her excuse is always "Well, if I have to cook, we won't have dinner until 8pm because I don't get home until 5:40. ...Some bull ****. She is so self centered. She has her own agenda when she comes home from work all the time, and if she had a bad day she will take it out on our son. I get along with our son all day long...she comes home, and within 5 minutes she is argueing with our 5 year old son over something...almost all the time. ...I'm glad I work night work at my job because I can't stand dealing with how she acts towards our son virtually EVERY night after she get's home from work. He is 5. She is his mother. She has been doing a piss poor job of being a MOM for about the last 18 months. 


...I have decided that if we are working through this situation...she is going to fix her attitude, leave whatever issues she has checked outside the door when she comes home from work, AND BE A PROACTIVE MOTHER to our son. 

The more I think about things the more mad I am with her


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## xakulax

So she wants the guy who she is having an affair with to work in your house while your at work and she wants you to pay him.....yeah good luck with that.


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## HubbyDaddy2013

xakulax said:


> So she wants the guy who she is having an affair with to work in your house while your at work and she wants you to pay him.....yeah good luck with that.


:iagree:
Yeah, it's ****ing un believable that she would even bring that **** up. 


Due to all this coming out...my brother in law actually told this man to not come to his house any more to finish up the work he needed to do. There was only some small stuff like painting left to do. My brother in law will do it himself

My brother in law texted my wife and called her every word there is...****, HO, *****, piece of ****. He told me I need to get in her face and yell at her and call her names to shame her. He is the type of person that yells at everything...even small stuff, and get's pissed off very easily so I'm not taking any advice from him, but yeah maybe I should let my anger out a lot more instead of trying to stay somewhat calm and collective? I was told my her SIL that he is really pissed off about this whole situation. He told this guy he is pissed off at him as well, and does not want him over at their house any time soon for hanging out. They are not paying him for any more handy work either.


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## sandc

Maybe you need to show her what life without you would be like. See if she still finds you so aggravating.


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## WhiteRaven

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> You hit the nail on the head. My wife is a selfish person. I never caught the selfish mentality while we were dating. It seemed to appear after we got married. She is always thinking about what she wants. She never does stuff for me.
> 
> I am always asking her what she wants to eat when I go out to grab lunch. I always bring her back something. When she goes out to get lunch or dinner, and I worked that night, and she KNOWS there is nothing for me to eat when I get home yet she won't bother picking anything up for me or asking me if she can get me something.
> 
> She also hardly ever cooks. I am always having to go out and buy dinner to bring home. If I cook...unless I am making hamburgers...she won't eat. She is a very picky eater. I made a fantastic chicken fettucine alfredo dish with peas in it about 3 months ago for dinner. I spent an hour making that dinner. I put a Italian marinade on the chicken. I was proud of that dinner! She decided she wasn't in the mood for pasta, didn't want to even bother tasting the food I cooked, and decided to have a bowl of cereal for dinner.
> 
> ...CHICKEN ALFREDO IS HER FAVORITE ITALIAN DISH when we go out to Italian restaurants. ...She didn't want any because I cooked it!
> 
> Her excuse is always "Well, if I have to cook, we won't have dinner until 8pm because I don't get home until 5:40. ...Some bull ****. She is so self centered. She has her own agenda when she comes home from work all the time, and if she had a bad day she will take it out on our son. I get along with our son all day long...she comes home, and within 5 minutes she is argueing with our 5 year old son over something...almost all the time. ...I'm glad I work night work at my job because I can't stand dealing with how she acts towards our son virtually EVERY night after she get's home from work. He is 5. She is his mother. She has been doing a piss poor job of being a MOM for about the last 18 months.
> 
> 
> ...I have decided that if we are working through this situation...she is going to fix her attitude, leave whatever issues she has checked outside the door when she comes home from work, AND BE A PROACTIVE MOTHER to our son.
> 
> The more I think about things the more mad I am with her


This leopard would never change her spots. Forget her A, I'd have kicked her out for the malevolence alone. But again, you aren't me, it's not my decision. Take care bro.


----------



## Fordsvt

I think you need to do a Marriage 180. She is being selfish and self motivated to do what she wants. Time for you to be more Alpha. She does not respect you. Time to change that fast.


----------



## Pepper123

Sad about your son 

What exactly about her is so amazing that you want to try and save the relationship over? Her nastiness and betrayal seem pretty egregious. 

She seems incredibly miserable with herself, to the point she deflects it on those around her. Until she is happy with herself, she won't be happy with you... and will just continue to look for external validation. 

If it were me I'd let her go... but perhaps if you can provide reasons she is a good mate, we might be able to be more objective.


----------



## Rushwater

Hubbydaddy2013, you really need to take your time to decide whether or not you want to reconcile or divorce. Your 5 year old son makes that decision damned difficult. Do you divorce and risk having your little boy grow up with two daddies? Or, do you reconcile and risk the boy identifying with a dysfunctional marriage that might end up in a divorce anyway? It's a clusterfck. It sucks and I know that your world is upside down right now. However, if you do decide to reconcile, she has to pay for it and there is no wiggle room here. If you do not make her feel serious repercussions for this, you will be right back here in three months with an even worse situation. Please, do not worry about whether or not she will bail on you if she feels your demands are impossible or outrageous. If she TRULY loves you, I promise, she will come crawling back, begging for your forgiveness. If not, then you have to accept that you do not have any control over her feelings (or lack thereof) and divorce her. I know it will hurt like a motherfckr, and your boy will suffer in the short run, but it will be better for everyone in the long run. You are in your early thirties and I swear, there are good, honest and decent women out there that would love you like crazy. I will pray for you today.


----------



## BobSimmons

Disrespect.

Forget all the nonsense about not being given attention or whatever. She clearly has little respect for you.

You're at a critical juncture now because you haven't really said she's shown any remorse over what happened and has put the blame squarely on you.

She appears to be rather narcissistic, you don't deal with this swiftly and decisively then she'll do it again further down the line when the dust has settled, this time she'll be more discreet and I dare say, if she already hasn't, she will take it to the next level.

Have you talked to OM? 

You need to assert yourself on this situation fast. A man actually has no fear of texting that he wants to bang your wife who's sitting right in front of you! When exposed there were still no repercussions from her husband, in fact he's even willing to come in and face you so he can finish up his work!!

Ask him for a face to face, just so the next time he even thinks about breaking NC, he'll know you'll be on him in a flash.

As for her, I read resentment. I read just plain her being mean (with regards to the meal you made her). She's plainly not afraid of you or losing the relationship, and I actually think if you kicked her out, she'd have sex with OM just to spite you.

You sit down and have a serious talk. A one time deal only. You ask her whether she really wants to stay married, if so from this moment she does all the heavy lifting. You give her a day no more no less to book a MC. It's not an ultimatum, just a line in the sand. After a day if she hasn't booked it and is dragging her heels, say nothing, and quietly file and hand her divorce papers.

Start being taken seriously. Her actions have to have consequences and from this moment forth she will listen, contribute and respect your family.

Good luck to you.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Your wife is incredibly disrespectful, entitled and dishonest. With you and your son!

You started out by saying how good the two of you are together - more than just husband and wife but also best friends etc.

Then she cheats, you find out and confront, and she justifies her cheating by telling you how bad you are and how she finds many things you do annoying and how you don't pay enough attention to her (probably rewriting marital history here and classic cheater script).

Then you tell us how bad and selfish she generally is (separate from the cheating) and how your marriage is not really a marriage. I hope you are not doing what she did in rewriting marital history. I don't believe you are - I think you are finally waking up!

In any case your marriage is messed up and many would advise you to go to MC or get divorced. But now you have cheating added to the pile and she is not really showing any remorse - instead she is threatening you with your money! (See what I mean about disrespectful).

And do you still believe that it did not get physical ?!? Remember, she has no respect for you! None! Zero! Nada! Why wouldn't it have gone physical?

Your brother has the right idea. As for the POSOM, it sounds like things have already been handled by your brother and SIL. I would have also said destroy his income by letting future clients know, but he does have 6 kids to feed. And it wasn't just him, it takes two to tango.

Think about whether you really want to stay with this woman and get to the truth (poly or threat of poly could help). You will need the full truth for your own peace of mind.


----------



## Chaparral

Get the MMSLP book linked to below. Not sure you should stick in this marriage though.


----------



## TheFlood117

So let me get this one straight. 

So... You got a gal who's lazy, fat, sexts other dudes-(Probably bangs em too), she's fat, and yet... doesn't cook.. Okay.. Interesting. 

And oh yeah, She's probably cheating on you!!!!

So... Um, why do you want this scrub of a woman. 

You can do better!!! So, do better!

File for D. Split custody. Co-parent, get her out of your life.


----------



## hookares

xakulax said:


> So she wants the guy who she is having an affair with to work in your house while your at work and she wants you to pay him.....yeah good luck with that.


Entitlement:
She will eventually ask you to help him put it into her and clean them up afterward.
Once a cheater gets on a roll, there's no limits to what they feel they deserve. Him? He's going to accept anything she (and you) offer.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

So, sexting other dudes. Not a good mother. Overweight. Doesn't cook. Disrespectful to you at every turn.

Is she an heiress? Otherwise I don't get it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## See_Listen_Love

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> You hit the nail on the head. My wife is a selfish person. I never caught the selfish mentality while we were dating. It seemed to appear after we got married. She is always thinking about what she wants. She never does stuff for me.
> 
> I am always asking her what she wants to eat when I go out to grab lunch. I always bring her back something. When she goes out to get lunch or dinner, and I worked that night, and she KNOWS there is nothing for me to eat when I get home yet she won't bother picking anything up for me or asking me if she can get me something.
> 
> She also hardly ever cooks. I am always having to go out and buy dinner to bring home. If I cook...unless I am making hamburgers...she won't eat. She is a very picky eater. I made a fantastic chicken fettucine alfredo dish with peas in it about 3 months ago for dinner. I spent an hour making that dinner. I put a Italian marinade on the chicken. I was proud of that dinner! She decided she wasn't in the mood for pasta, didn't want to even bother tasting the food I cooked, and decided to have a bowl of cereal for dinner.
> 
> ...CHICKEN ALFREDO IS HER FAVORITE ITALIAN DISH when we go out to Italian restaurants. ...She didn't want any because I cooked it!
> 
> Her excuse is always "Well, if I have to cook, we won't have dinner until 8pm because I don't get home until 5:40. ...Some bull ****. She is so self centered. She has her own agenda when she comes home from work all the time, and if she had a bad day she will take it out on our son. I get along with our son all day long...she comes home, and within 5 minutes she is argueing with our 5 year old son over something...almost all the time. ...I'm glad I work night work at my job because I can't stand dealing with how she acts towards our son virtually EVERY night after she get's home from work. He is 5. She is his mother. She has been doing a piss poor job of being a MOM for about the last 18 months.
> 
> 
> ...I have decided that if we are working through this situation...she is going to fix her attitude, leave whatever issues she has checked outside the door when she comes home from work, AND BE A PROACTIVE MOTHER to our son.
> 
> The more I think about things the more mad I am with her


You should be mad at yourself.

You are/were the 'doormat'. You enabled this situation. The cheating is her fault, but this stuff in your post indicates the prelude to the cheating like in a standard script.

You have to change, otherwise this and/or the next relation will show the same pattern again and again.

Man up, as they call it.


----------



## Rottdad42

Caught, yep, exposure, yep, denial yes sir. Right now she is following a script, they can't help it. I absolutely deep down hate sexting. Why because that's meant for people who are a couple, or people dating you get the picture. I guess I'm old school when it comes to that. Not a prude mind you, my wife will text even when I'm sitting next to her on the couch. You are five years in, now your vested, but still honeymoon, kinda. Her stating that you don't give her attention blah, blah, blah. Well how about her telling you those things and give you the opportunity to at least make amends. Geez not even a chance. Even if you didn't do these things for a while. MC can help, but she has to want to do it as well. If you believe nothing happened, physical wise, I don't think you are that naive. Beware the underground railroad, they might go that route. Other people here will give you good advice. Check out Weightlifter's threads, he has the skinny on the spy stuff, then again it's out in the open now. Good luck.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

You seem to be handling things pretty well and it looks like the in-laws are supporting you. I would start getting my ducks in a row anyway just in case. What are your income disparities? How much joint property have you guys got? Joint debt etc... Start thinking about it becuase you may ultimately decide to walk and you need to figure out the finanical ramifications. She does not sound like any great prize. You are right to be angry about this.


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Rushwater said:


> Hubbydaddy2013, you really need to take your time to decide whether or not you want to reconcile or divorce. Your 5 year old son makes that decision damned difficult. Do you divorce and risk having your little boy grow up with two daddies? Or, do you reconcile and risk the boy identifying with a dysfunctional marriage that might end up in a divorce anyway? It's a clusterfck. It sucks and I know that your world is upside down right now. However, if you do decide to reconcile, she has to pay for it and there is no wiggle room here. If you do not make her feel serious repercussions for this, you will be right back here in three months with an even worse situation. Please, do not worry about whether or not she will bail on you if she feels your demands are impossible or outrageous. If she TRULY loves you, I promise, she will come crawling back, begging for your forgiveness. If not, then you have to accept that you do not have any control over her feelings (or lack thereof) and divorce her. I know it will hurt like a motherfckr, and your boy will suffer in the short run, but it will be better for everyone in the long run. You are in your early thirties and I swear, there are good, honest and decent women out there that would love you like crazy. I will pray for you today.


:iagree: This is exactly correct.


----------



## ThePheonix

TheFlood117 said:


> So let me get this one straight.
> 
> So... You got a gal who's lazy, fat, sexts other dudes-(Probably bangs em too), she's fat, and yet... doesn't cook.. Okay.. Interesting.
> 
> And oh yeah, She's probably cheating on you!!!!
> 
> So... Um, why do you want this scrub of a woman.
> 
> You can do better!!! So, do better!
> 
> File for D. Split custody. Co-parent, get her out of your life.


Amen to that Bro. I'll be damned if I can understand why this Dawg or anybody else would think they have to put with this horse sh-t. Like my uncle would say, "this guy's living in hell because he wants to live in hell"




SongoftheSouth said:


> You seem to be handling things pretty well and it looks like the in-laws are supporting you.


Actually he's handled it piss poorly. If he handled it pretty well his entitled old lady wouldn't be treating him like he's a piece of crap. He need to realize he got to put a stop to her shenanigans if he wants to end his misery. If it were me, I'd ditch her. He ain't gonna improve the kids life by taking the abuse this selfish lard azz is dishing out. Besides plenty of kids do well with divorced parents.


----------



## Hicks

Ask your wife to make a choice today.

No contact with this man ever again, opening up her phone and passwords etc... Or her marriage. 

Post what she chooses, and you will get futher advice about no contact letters, monitoring... OR how to divorce a person who chooses to stay in contact with their affair partner over their marraige.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> :iagree:
> Yeah, it's ****ing un believable that she would even bring that **** up.
> 
> 
> Due to all this coming out...my brother in law actually told this man to not come to his house any more to finish up the work he needed to do. There was only some small stuff like painting left to do. My brother in law will do it himself
> 
> My brother in law texted my wife and called her every word there is...****, HO, *****, piece of ****. He told me I need to get in her face and yell at her and call her names to shame her. He is the type of person that yells at everything...even small stuff, and get's pissed off very easily so I'm not taking any advice from him, but yeah maybe I should let my anger out a lot more instead of trying to stay somewhat calm and collective? I was told my her SIL that he is really pissed off about this whole situation. He told this guy he is pissed off at him as well, and does not want him over at their house any time soon for hanging out. *They are not paying him for any more handy work either.*


Your BIL should check his wife phone bill. This "handy man" has done this this before, I'm sure. He does a job, get's interested in the wife, or GF of the house. He then goes above and beyond when doing the work, so they'll be more likely to call him back.

While he's there and the husband/BF is not in the immediate vicinity, he starts making small talk with the women. A compliment here, a joke there. Next thing you know he brings up how lucky their husband/BF is to have such an awesome wife/GF.

All the while he's making suggestions on things they can have him do to improve and bring up the value of their house.

The wife/GF tells him the her husband/BF doesn't appreciate her, etc.. The handy man keeps greasing the wheels by empathizing with her. She in turn starts suggesting the extra work to her husband/GF. The next thing you know your cabinets and hardwood floor ain't the only thing that he's nailing of yours...

I'll bet one of the things that he said to your wife was how pretty he thought she was in high school and that he always wanted to ask her out, but didn't for some, made up, reason.

If I were your BIL, I'd check my wife's phone bill, just to be sure...


----------



## Buildingblocks

OP my observation of you in just 4 words. "You are too nice".


----------



## tacoma

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> If I were your BIL, I'd check my wife's phone bill, just to be sure...


Can't hurt but it's pretty unlikely the SIL is cheating with this guy.

She was the one who exposed to the handy mans wife.

If she had been balling him there's no way she'd risk the retaliation he'd undoubtedly unleash on her.


----------



## warlock07

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> And tonight while I was at work she texted me saying that she was watching "Sex sent me to the ER" and wishing I was at home with her.
> 
> I am over weight, but not by much. I'm 6'0 and weigh 226. ...My wife is 5'7 and weighs 235. She did weigh 280 after having our son...Over the past 5 years she has slowly lost 45 lbs. She says she is fat from time to time...and she is, but I always try to encourage her to feel better about herself. I try to motivate her to exercise, but she rarely ever goes out to walk with me. She doesn't eat a lot. I eat double the amount of food she eats. I think her issue is she doesn't exercise.
> 
> I just got home, and she proceeded to tell me about all the Sex sent me to the ER shows. I am downstairs now having a drink, and obviously on this website for a bit to read all these responses.
> 
> 
> As far as the other Man. For more info. He is 3 years older than us at 35. You are correct...She did go to high school with him. She was in 9th, and he was in 12th. He is a Acquaintance of her brother. THE MAN IS MARRIED WITH 6 KIDS. HE IS ON HIS 2ND MARRAIGE.
> 
> This guy is also a cheap handy man who contracts work. The reason my wife started talking/sexting with him about 3 weeks ago is because he started doing work on my brother in law's house.
> 
> My wife had decided herself while we were on spring vacation that she was cancelling our summer vacation, and spending the rest of our tax return money n repairing our kitchen. She didn't discuss this with me. I told her if that is what you really want then we will do that. Of course that is BEFORE I knew she was sexting with this man who she was planning to hire to do the job!!!
> 
> This morning what brought the blow up about is her telling me out of no where that either we have this guy do the work for cheap for us, or I can go find a contractor myself and pay the contractor myself with MY MONEY, and not use OUR tax return towards it. ...That is what infuriated me even further...It was totally disrespectful, and that is what brought on her Mother in Law finding out today about her EA/Sexting, and us having this big discussion earlier.
> 
> 
> This GUY'S WIFE ALSO NOW KNOWS. My Sister in Law contacted the wife, and told her everything. They are also acquaintances with her as well. What is worse is that my wife is also a Facebook friend with his wife as well.



The entitlement is off the charts . She is a sh!t wife and a sh!t mother on top of being obese(just checked BMI is 37.). And she also cheats on her husband with a cheap handyman. She does not have one thing going for her.

You would rather be at work than be with her at night. You are leaving your son to bear the brunt of her wrath....





> *This morning what brought the blow up about is her telling me out of no where that either we have this guy do the work for cheap for us, or I can go find a contractor myself and pay the contractor myself with MY MONEY, and not use OUR tax return towards it. ...That is what infuriated me even further...It was totally disrespectful, and that is what brought on her Mother in Law finding out today about her EA/Sexting, and us having this big discussion earlier.
> *



She pulls this on you after getting caught cheating with this guy ? You got to be kidding me. 

Pushover is calling it lightly...How did you get to this stage in your marriage ?


----------



## WhiteRaven

Buildingblocks said:


> OP my observation of you in just 4 words. "You are too nice".


Hope the OP doesn't take it as a compliment.


----------



## xakulax

OP your breaking the primary rule in any relationship *energy = reward* if your putting in 90% of the work and getting 10 to 20% of the reward back you are by definition being played by your wife. This need to stop now your wife is using you for financial and emotional support and likely nothing more other than good meal on your dime it's time to start making demands if she doesn't want to work on her *weight*, *boundaries*, or* the relationship as a whole* then it's time to move on hit the gym and find someone who will like your CHICKEN ALFREDO.


----------



## WhiteRaven

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I made a fantastic chicken fettucine alfredo dish with peas in it about 3 months ago for dinner. I spent an hour making that dinner. I put a Italian marinade on the chicken. I was proud of that dinner!


Pm your recipe, would you?


----------



## PhillyGuy13

Mmmmm chicken Alfredo. Yes please.

The level of disrespect here is insane. And this is before she started texting Handy Manny. If you want her in your life, she's got a ton she needs to work on. Meet her halfway but not a step more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> You hit the nail on the head. My wife is a selfish person. I never caught the selfish mentality while we were dating. It seemed to appear after we got married. She is always thinking about what she wants. She never does stuff for me.
> 
> I am always asking her what she wants to eat when I go out to grab lunch. I always bring her back something. When she goes out to get lunch or dinner, and I worked that night, and she KNOWS there is nothing for me to eat when I get home yet she won't bother picking anything up for me or asking me if she can get me something.
> 
> She also hardly ever cooks. I am always having to go out and buy dinner to bring home. If I cook...unless I am making hamburgers...she won't eat. She is a very picky eater. I made a fantastic chicken fettucine alfredo dish with peas in it about 3 months ago for dinner. I spent an hour making that dinner. I put a Italian marinade on the chicken. I was proud of that dinner! She decided she wasn't in the mood for pasta, didn't want to even bother tasting the food I cooked, and decided to have a bowl of cereal for dinner.
> 
> ...CHICKEN ALFREDO IS HER FAVORITE ITALIAN DISH when we go out to Italian restaurants. ...She didn't want any because I cooked it!
> 
> Her excuse is always "Well, if I have to cook, we won't have dinner until 8pm because I don't get home until 5:40. ...Some bull ****. She is so self centered. She has her own agenda when she comes home from work all the time, and if she had a bad day she will take it out on our son. I get along with our son all day long...she comes home, and within 5 minutes she is argueing with our 5 year old son over something...almost all the time. ...I'm glad I work night work at my job because I can't stand dealing with how she acts towards our son virtually EVERY night after she get's home from work. He is 5. She is his mother. She has been doing a piss poor job of being a MOM for about the last 18 months.
> 
> 
> ...I have decided that if we are working through this situation...she is going to fix her attitude, leave whatever issues she has checked outside the door when she comes home from work, AND BE A PROACTIVE MOTHER to our son.
> 
> The more I think about things the more mad I am with her


 This is why I said assess before you listen to your wife's complaints about why she was sexting.

Yep, another child rearing, dinner cooking, self esteem boosting and complimenting husband who is inattentive to his wife.


----------



## Fordsvt

You can only work on yourself. Not her. EVER. (I've learned this)
You can't change :
how she thinks
how she acts
what she says

Only you can make changes in your self to get her to move in one way or the other. But you need to be the bigger person here. You need to man up.....show this is:
not acceptable
won't be tolerated
she will not disrespect you in this manner.

It's either she flies straight, works on the relationship, gets MC and or IC, treats you with respect, Or, she packs up and gets the F.... out. Period.


----------



## martyc47

Don't want to get off track here, but I have to chime in and say I can relate to this OP in many ways and we have similarities. I don't get why I want to be with my wife, either. I'm really interested in what posters have to say about this situation because it might help me understand myself better. Plus, just want to let the OP know he's not the only one in such a crazy situation. 

That said, let me take a shot:

OP, did you ever reject your wife for sex at a critical point in the relationship? Was she always that overweight? How did you meet? Were you having a lot of sex around the time your child was conceived? How about during and after the pregnancy?


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

Fordsvt said:


> You can only work on yourself. Not her. EVER. (I've learned this)
> You can't change :
> how she thinks
> how she acts
> what she says
> 
> Only you can make changes in your self to get her to move in one way or the other. But you need to be the bigger person here. You need to man up.....show this is:
> not acceptable
> won't be tolerated
> she will not disrespect you in this manner.
> 
> It's either she flies straight, works on the relationship, gets MC and or IC, treats you with respect, Or, she packs up and gets the F.... out. Period.


She knows it's not acceptable. She knows she needs to change how she acts. I brought all of this up yesterday. She knows she has dis respected me to the max with all of this. She has apologized a number of times...I'm just not sure she truly means it. 

About the kicking her out of the house part....I can't legally do that. My name is not on the house even though I pay half the mortgage payment every single month. I actually pay more of the bills than she does. For instance, I pay 60% of cable bill, and 100% of the electric/gas bill. She just has to worry about her car payment, half the mortgage, her cell phone bill, the water bill, her own health insurance (which is through her work). ...I pay the health insurance for myself, and my son. We are on our own plan because the family plan through her work is like $900 a month...it is way over priced. 

I buy about 95% of the groceries in our home. She only hits up the grocery store about once every 2 months. Our fridge is sort of bare most of the time because most of the time I order out. 

Back to the house: The house is in her name, and her mother's name. She purchased the house from her parents (at a real good price) before we were married. She has lived in the same house all of her life. She has lived I the same city all of her life. 

So essentially, If I were to say we are done, and I want a divorce it would be me packing my bags and leaving the house. I am already in the process of potentially having to go rent an apartment somewhere in case I decide that it's over. 

If this had happened before we were married, it would have been over as soon as I found out about it. However, I grew up in an old fashioned home. I hold marriage to the upmost importance, and I strongly believe that I have to try to salvage our marriage, especially since we have a son. 

When we got married I took a vow to be with her through the rough times. While this is infidelity that she has shown (And she hasn't done anything physical - She swears she hasn't, and I can't find any evidence of it happening), my hope is that we can overcome this. 

I'm putting this on her though. I think her actions/results will tell me where she is when it comes to our marriage. 

Right now, I am trying to come up with a list of things I will demand of her to do. I want to print the list up, and have her sign it. I am taking some pointers from some of the advice given here. 

1. No more contact with this man INCLUDING Facebook posts
2. She is to acquire a Marriage Counselor on her own, AND SHE WILL PAY FOR IT. She is to set up an appointment asap. I am thinking of giving her 7 days to get this done. 
3. She changes her attitude towards our son immediately (She has actually shown a new light TODAY, and has been spending a lot of time with him and me today)
4. I will have complete access to her phone whenever I feel like it (Sorry, she destroyed my trust, and right now her Phone privacy doesn't mean $hit to me)


----------



## bandit.45

Good start. Go see a lawyer anyways and find out your rights as it pertains to property.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Noble1

The list you have is a good start.

No contact of ANY sort is a must. Even a 'peek' by looking at a friend's FB page is off limits.

Same for privacy. Everything is in the open if she still has a phone,computer, etc. No negotiation on this point.

She will have to prove to you that she is still worth keeping.

Good luck to you.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

martyc47 said:


> Don't want to get off track here, but I have to chime in and say I can relate to this OP in many ways and we have similarities. I don't get why I want to be with my wife, either. I'm really interested in what posters have to say about this situation because it might help me understand myself better. Plus, just want to let the OP know he's not the only one in such a crazy situation.
> 
> That said, let me take a shot:
> 
> OP, did you ever reject your wife for sex at a critical point in the relationship? Was she always that overweight? How did you meet? Were you having a lot of sex around the time your child was conceived? How about during and after the pregnancy?



Our son was conceived before we were married. We got married when our son was 10 months old. 

Prior to her getting pregnant We were in a Long Distance Relationship. We lived 60 miles apart. She would visit me most weekends at my apartment. About once every 6 weeks or so I would visit her at her house. Every weekend we were having sex...at least once. Most weekends were 3-5 times. We had a very sexual relationship before she became pregnant. 

After getting married we had less sex. We making love 2-3 times a month...Then about 18 months or so ago we became a once a month couple. There were maybe 2 months we ramped up to maybe 3 times in a month since then...

Yes, she has always been over weight. However, I like big butts :smthumbup: ...I'm not into skinny girls...Just not me. That doesn't mean I like HUGE women, I just like a girl to have some meat on them. I do want her to lose some weight though. She doesn't exercise, and she needs to be more active. I don't want her having health problems 15 years from now because she was never active, and tried to stay fit. If she got down to 195-200 lbs I would be ecstatic over it. 


I have never rejected my wife from sex. ...However, about 15-18 months ago I had noticed that she wasn't initializing sex with me any more. She would only do it when I made the moves on her. ...So I decided not to initialize, and wait to see how long we would go before she wanted Sex. A solid 7 weeks went by, and nothing! ...Then I wanted it, and that is how we slumped into being a "one time a month" couple since...


----------



## Jellybeans

Tell his wife.

W/o of cousre letting your wife or the Om know. Do this stat.


----------



## tacoma

I don't think you need to get lawyers involved here.

This has actually been handled pretty quickly and decisively.

Exposure to all who mattered is done,( you did expose to the OMW yes?) there was no PA, and whatever EA there was was short lived, it's unlikely this guy will contact your wife again.

You need to do nothing but work on her and her attitude.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

Here is a little update on how my wife is acting. 

Last night when I went to bed, she immediately took my hand, and held it tight. She hadn't done that in a long time...

We slept all night, and she held onto my hand all night. Today her mood was very pleasant. When she got dressed she decided to wear an old T Shirt that I bought for her a number of years ago. It's a shirt that means a lot to her, and she hadn't worn it in a very long time. The shirt is almost like a symbol of us. The fact that she wore this shirt at least showed me that she has at least some interest in making an effort on our marriage here. We took our son out to lunch, and walked around at the mall and threw pennies in the fountains with our son. She held my hand the entire time, and we made honest conversation when we got some ice cream. She discussed stuff at work, and she asked me questions about my job or other things to make conversation that she also hasn't done in a while. Today has been the closest day we have had together in a long while. 

After everything that happened yesterday, Is her doing this today a front? Or is it a true step in the right direction. 

Should have I opted to be an assertive ******* and not hold her hand? Should have today really not had happened yet? 

I am planning on giving her my list, and her and I having a full discussion on my expectations of her to get the ball rolling soon...


----------



## tacoma

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> After everything that happened yesterday, Is her doing this today a front? Or is it a true step in the right direction.


See this is the absolute ****tiest thing about cheating.

We don't even know if the love we thought we had is sincere anymore.
It's a total mind ****.


----------



## Fordsvt

I agree with Tacoma. When I came to my wife with the EA info I had on her-**** nearly crapped. It only lasted five weeks. Plus she broke it off for about two weeks in the middle.
Info I had:
Name / home address-phone #'s. His cell / his wifes too
where he worked and #'s / his work email and home email. I even told what kind of car he drove. I live in Canada. He lives in Nebraska.

Once I called him. (oh yes I did Oct 7/2013) . Told him what I knew. He begged me not to call his wife. POSOM haha. What a joke.
I even played a few mind games by email with him too. Ask me now how much he wants to talk to my wife??


----------



## ThePheonix

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> She has apologized a number of times...I'm just not sure she truly means it.
> 
> Back to the house: The house is in her name, and her mother's name. She purchased the house from her parents (at a real good price) before we were married. She has lived in the same house all of her life.


You can tell if she means it if she changes her behavior. On the house, my wife put me on the deed as co-owner. Likewise, when I bought my Duramax, I put her on the title as co-owner. Everything we have is co-owned. If the property is not co-owned, I wouldn't feel that I have a marriage.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Here is a little update on how my wife is acting.
> 
> Last night when I went to bed, she immediately took my hand, and held it tight. She hadn't done that in a long time...
> 
> We slept all night, and she held onto my hand all night. Today her mood was very pleasant. When she got dressed she decided to wear an old T Shirt that I bought for her a number of years ago. It's a shirt that means a lot to her, and she hadn't worn it in a very long time. The shirt is almost like a symbol of us. The fact that she wore this shirt at least showed me that she has at least some interest in making an effort on our marriage here. We took our son out to lunch, and walked around at the mall and threw pennies in the fountains with our son. She held my hand the entire time, and we made honest conversation when we got some ice cream. She discussed stuff at work, and she asked me questions about my job or other things to make conversation that she also hasn't done in a while. Today has been the closest day we have had together in a long while.
> 
> *After everything that happened yesterday, Is her doing this today a front? Or is it a true step in the right direction.*
> 
> Should have I opted to be an assertive ******* and not hold her hand? Should have today really not had happened yet?
> 
> *I am planning on giving her my list, and her and I having a full discussion on my expectations of her to get the ball rolling soon...*


It's too soon to tell if she's for real, or fake. In a week, or a month from now, you'll have a better idea. Especially if she goes right back to the way she was before the cheating.

When you give her your list, you'll probably find out then. If she balks at it, or is anything but willing to, excepting of, or even happy about getting the chance to due the heavy lifting to prove that she's on board with R - She may just be putting on an act.

Also, don't be so sure, or soon to dismiss the possibility of her having gotten physical with him. Wasn't she at a party where he was a guest? Didn't she suggest that you go home, because you looked so tired?...

They very well could have hugged, kissed, or even played a little slap 'n' tickle while you weren't there.

If so, then she got physical.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS

Sorry to see your pain. I can't help much with the affair. However, I know that your current marriage dynamics are not good for long term success. You two have a his vs her split of assets and money. IMHO, this sets a terrible tone for the marriage. Also, no excuse to not eat together when possible. Cooking home cooked meals is a snap. You can make sophisticated meals without spending a lot of time. Prep the night before. If at all possible, get off the night shift. Working opposite shifts are a challenge to a marriage. Good luck with whatever you decide.


----------



## turnera

Don't forget that she has to write him a No Contact letter that you will first approve and you will send FOR her. This is important.


----------



## Chaparral

Looks to easy so far. Good luck


----------



## thummper

turnera said:


> *Don't forget that she has to write him a No Contact letter that you will first approve and you will send FOR her. * This is important.


 

EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!! She has to cut this guy *totally* out of her life for good. No contact at any time for any reason. It sounds as though she is trying to reconnect with you. Keep working on your relationship. The picture of her grabbing on to your hand and holding it all night is very telling.


----------



## Ripper

TheFlood117 said:


> So let me get this one straight.
> 
> So... You got a gal who's lazy, fat, sexts other dudes-(Probably bangs em too), she's fat, and yet... doesn't cook.. Okay.. Interesting.
> 
> And oh yeah, She's probably cheating on you!!!!
> 
> So... Um, why do you want this scrub of a woman.
> 
> You can do better!!! So, do better!
> 
> File for D. Split custody. Co-parent, get her out of your life.


This is what you have got. 

Sounds like you still want to give it another go. Good luck with that.

My only advice is to DNA test your child. You were in a long distance relationship with someone proven capable of infidelity. Put that issue to bed before you invest time and emotional well being trying to repair this relationship.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

Ripper said:


> This is what you have got.
> 
> Sounds like you still want to give it another go. Good luck with that.
> 
> My only advice is to DNA test your child. You were in a long distance relationship with someone proven capable of infidelity. Put that issue to bed before you invest time and emotional well being trying to repair this relationship.


She did not cheat on me before we were married. I can guarantee that! ...My son is most definitely my son! 


More on my wife.... 

Last night my wife walked with me around the neighborhood. It was the first time I managed to get her out of the house for a walk since probably October. 

We also had a night of wild sex last night, and this morning before she went to work. It was a lot of fun, and she seems like she is doing a 180. However, I just don't know how I feel about it. Maybe it's happening too fast? ....I am giving her my to do list tonight, and making it clear that the entire list is a MUST for her to do. I will let everyone know how she responds.


----------



## tom67

What you experienced is called hysterical bonding. Enjoy it while it lasts. Don't sweat it keep watching her actions not words.


----------



## xakulax

tom67 said:


> What you experienced is called hysterical bonding. Enjoy it while it lasts. Don't sweat it keep watching her actions not words.



Unless i'm mistaken doesn't hysterical bonding come after some form extramarital affair I thought she said nothing happened. It might not even be HB could just be her way of avoiding the issues in the marriage like a countermeasure designed to prevent an undesirable outcome like working on the marriage and improving her self as a mother. 



OP stay alert


----------



## tom67

xakulax said:


> Unless i'm mistaken doesn't hysterical bonding come after some form extramarital affair I thought she said nothing happened. It might not even be HB could just be her way of avoiding the issues in the marriage like a countermeasure designed to prevent an undesirable outcome like working on the marriage and improving her self as a mother.
> 
> 
> 
> OP stay alert


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

xakulax said:


> Unless i'm mistaken doesn't hysterical bonding come after some form extramarital affair I thought she said nothing happened. I*t might not even be HB could just be her way of avoiding the issues in the marriage like a countermeasure designed to prevent an undesirable outcome like working on the marriage and improving her self as a mother. *
> 
> 
> 
> OP stay alert


Sex as a band aid, or as a distraction from the issues at hand.

Most women know how to use it. Most men follow right along(me included).

If she want's to continue to have more sex/love making, then great. Go with it.

Just except it as something extra, if it's not on your "list". Just don't get to complacent. Stay focused on the other things that she needs to do for your marriage to heal and grow stronger.


----------



## Acabado

xakulax said:


> Unless i'm mistaken doesn't hysterical bonding come after some form extramarital affair I thought she said nothing happened. It might not even be HB could just be her way of avoiding the issues in the marriage like a countermeasure designed to prevent an undesirable outcome like working on the marriage and improving her self as a mother.
> 
> 
> 
> OP stay alert


Beyond the fact OP has to verify the extent of the betrayal hysterical bonding also happens after EAs, "minor" scapades, sexting, boundarie crossing...
It doesn't mean necessarily this WW f'ed OM.
What OP was able to discover is enough for him to feel the need of "bonding" with his cheating wife through sex.


----------



## Thorburn

I would add this to the list:

1. All accounts are open and no secrets. Paswwords, etc. I would ask her to give you all her email accounts, etc.

2. FB - I would recommend a joint one and that she ends hers.

3. Phone - like everything else no deletion of texts and it can be checked at any time.

Good luck, you may have nipped this in the bud.


----------



## tacoma

xakulax said:


> Unless i'm mistaken doesn't hysterical bonding come after some form extramarital affair


No, hysterical bonding is a reaction to the fear of loss.

This can happen during any calamity in a relationship.
It's a visceral emotional attempt to claim what is yours.

It has happened a few times through out my marriage and there has never been an infidelity that I know of.


----------



## tacoma

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> She did not cheat on me before we were married. I can guarantee that! ...My son is most definitely my son!
> 
> 
> More on my wife....
> 
> Last night my wife walked with me around the neighborhood. It was the first time I managed to get her out of the house for a walk since probably October.
> 
> We also had a night of wild sex last night, and this morning before she went to work. It was a lot of fun, and she seems like she is doing a 180. However, I just don't know how I feel about it. Maybe it's happening too fast? ....I am giving her my to do list tonight, and making it clear that the entire list is a MUST for her to do. I will let everyone know how she responds.


The hysterical bonding is fine, even expected.
Enjoy it while it lasts.

What is on that list?

Would you mind sharing it here?

We may be able to show you things you're missing.


----------



## warlock07

Oldest trick in the book. She will f*ck you you till things get back to normal. Normal, like they were before. 

Rinse repeat until she gets caught(or not). Are you really that gullible ? Kinda makes sense on how you got into the position in the first place.(not even talking about the infidelity here)


----------



## xakulax

warlock07 said:


> *Oldest trick in the book.* She will f*ck you you till things get back to normal. Normal, like they were before.
> 
> Rinse repeat until she gets caught(or not). Are you really that gullible ? Kinda makes sense on how you got into the position in the first place.(not even talking about the infidelity here)




That what i'm worried about for the OP she could be trying to lull him into a false sense of security/normality then she right back to the not so handy handyman.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

xakulax said:


> That what i'm worried about for the OP she could be trying to lull him into a false sense of security/normality then she right back to the not so handy handyman.


Well, you never know, but doubtful in my opinion. 

The wife of this man has been told. She knows about his infidelity. He also has 6 kids, and an acquaintance of my wife's brother. ...Also, now everything is out in the open I think my wife has realized what she did was wrong. 

I will tread carefully here regardless. 

The list I have made so far for my wife to read, discuss with me, and sign are: 

1. She cuts off all communication with OM

2. I have access to her phone, and email whenever I want it 

3. She find a Marriage Counselor, and schedule an appointment. This should be done by next Monday.

4. She work on her attitude at home

5. She makes a real effort to being commited to our marraige

6. She hold nothing from me. If she has a problem/concern, is upset about something she needs to talk with me. ABSOLUTE COMMUNICATION! 

...If she says I'm not paying her attention, she needs to straight up tell me so that we can fix that together. 



...What should I add?


----------



## tacoma

xakulax said:


> That what i'm worried about for the OP she could be trying to lull him into a false sense of security/normality then she right back to the not so handy handyman.


This is a valid worry and in fact something I worried about the few times I've experienced hysterical bonding in my marriage.

I despise being overtly manipulated through insincerity and women do indeed use sex to manipulate men more than men use it to manipulate women.

I don't think OP needs to worry about this though.

I don't see anything here that makes me feel as if his wife is really invested in the handyman.

It just seems to me she was digging the attention, broke some boundaries, and had a difficult time fessing up in front of her entire family.
Her exposure was a bit more public than most and it wasn't just the husband coming down on her it was her mom and sister who were actually rougher on her than her husband.

She had no where to turn and hid.

That's how I'm seeing this.

OP's biggest problem is going to be getting her over that propensity to "hide" from the repercussions of her actions.

I don't predict his list going over well.
i see a desire to rug sweep in her.

He'll have to be damn firm with her


----------



## jerry123

7. No second chances. If she contacts him, you will prepare divorce papers right away. (And you need to follow through)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tacoma

The only thing I see missing from your list is a no contact letter.

She needs to directly tell him in her own words that she doesn't want any contact from him, she never wants to see or hear from him again.

Directly from her to him.

This can be a little campy and it's always difficult for the WS but it's very common for ex-affair partners to "go fishing" months or even years down the line and this is a bit of a blockade for that.

You read and approve this letter before it is sent.

Also, tell her any contact she receives from the OM is not to be responded to but brought to you immediately.

If he calls her she hangs up and immediately informs you of it same for texts, letters, e-mails, anything.

If he should contact her don't talk to him about it.
Give that info directly to his wife immediately she'll shut it down.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

Keep in mind nobody changes overnight, anyone that tries draws a red flag.

It almost sounds like she is pulling the sex card to keep you in line. Just keep your guard up, you got a long way to go.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

tacoma said:


> This is a valid worry and in fact something I worried about the few times I've experienced hysterical bonding in my marriage.
> 
> I despise being overtly manipulated through insincerity and women do indeed use sex to manipulate men more than men use it to manipulate women.
> 
> I don't think OP needs to worry about this though.
> 
> I don't see anything here that makes me feel as if his wife is really invested in the handyman.
> 
> It just seems to me she was digging the attention, broke some boundaries, and had a difficult time fessing up in front of her entire family.
> Her exposure was a bit more public than most and it wasn't just the husband coming down on her it was her mom and sister who were actually rougher on her than her husband.
> 
> She had no where to turn and hid.
> 
> That's ho I'm seeing this.
> 
> OP's biggest problem is going to be getting her over that propensity to "hide" from the repercussions of her actions.
> 
> I don't predict his list going over well.
> i see a desire to rug sweep in her.
> 
> He'll have to be damn firm with her



I believe you are right! Knowing my wife, I feel that she will want to rug sweep this. She will probably make stupid excuses up as to why she doesn't want to call a MC. She will probably try to say something like "I ****ed up, I'm sorry. I can't undo it. I know it was bad, and I'm sorry. We don't need a MC, and I'm not going to go pay for one because it's a waste of money blah blah" 

I can already see the conversation occurring...

I really do wonder if she will be back to her old attitude, and ways two to three weeks from now after she thinks everything has blown over...

I have to be firm about the MC though. It's not even for me. It's for her. She has no real friends. She needs to talk openly to a professional who can make her THINK and realize what is going on in her head. She won't listen to my, or other family members when it comes to her emotions and why she does things that she does without realizing or caring for the effects on her family when she does them.


----------



## turnera

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> She will probably try to say something like "I ****ed up, I'm sorry. I can't undo it. I know it was bad, and I'm sorry. We don't need a MC, and I'm not going to go pay for one because it's a waste of money blah blah"


"Fine. I hear you. And that's not what I want or require to stay in this marriage. If that's your choice, I'll get started on our separation."


----------



## tacoma

Be firm with her HB.

Everything on that list is mandatory.

Also, you should use this as a catalyst to fix any other problems in your marriage.

It seems her motivation to sext with the OM was attention.
You've stated and given example that you are attentive to her.

Turn it up a notch, give her a little more, let her know you also need more than what she's been giving.

Use this to fix the whole damn thing if you can.

Ask her where she thinks you're failing her and really listen even though it will be hard.

This isn't to get her off the hook, this is to make it easier for her to avoid rug sweeping.

If she feels like the whole world is blaming her for everything she's more likely to get that urge to "hide".

Open up a bit for her and it'll be easier for her to do so for you.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Well, you never know, but doubtful in my opinion.
> 
> The wife of this man has been told. She knows about his infidelity. He also has 6 kids, and an acquaintance of my wife's brother. ...Also, now everything is out in the open I think my wife has realized what she did was wrong.
> 
> I will tread carefully here regardless.
> 
> The list I have made so far for my wife to read, discuss with me, and sign are:
> 
> 1. She cuts off all communication with OM
> 
> 2. *I have access to her phone, and email whenever I want it *
> 3. She find a Marriage Counselor, and schedule an appointment. This should be done by next Monday.
> 
> 4. She work on her attitude at home
> 
> 5. She makes a real effort to being commited to our marraige
> 
> 6. She hold nothing from me. If she has a problem/concern, is upset about something she needs to talk with me. ABSOLUTE COMMUNICATION!
> 
> ...If she says I'm not paying her attention, she needs to straight up tell me so that we can fix that together.
> 
> 
> 
> ...What should I add?


You forgot one important thing.

She is not to delete ANYTHING. Especially texts.

If you see that she has sent, or recieved 20 texts one day, but when you check her phone they are all deleted, how is that trancparencey? If they get deleted, she has something to hide...

You should try to install a key logger on the PC(s) and a spy app on her phone. WITHOUT her knowledge.

If things get better down the road, don't EVER tell her about anything that you've done to track her in the past. The best way to make VARs, key loggers and spy apps useless to you is informing her that you've used them.

This sounds like and I hope was a fisrt and onetime thing with the handyscum guy, but keep your info-weapons a secret and she won't even know that she needs to work around them if this should ever start happening again.


----------



## bigfoot

I suggest that you find that post somewhere entitled "let them go" which basically says, big surprise, to let them go. Print it out, tell her that she follows your list or you have prepared yourself to let her go. Rather than a threat of divorce, it just calmly and rather reasonable tells why you should let them go. 

Sex with the hot handyman seems enticing and perhaps another guy will come along that will get her all hot and bothered. If that is the case, she needs to know that you are going to let her go. The choice to leave is hers, but she does not get to come back. No apologies accepted. 

Tell her that you are willing to work through this present problem to get your relationship back, but this is it. I am a bit vindictive so I might throw in that there are plenty of young women that have let me know what I could get, but I chose to remain faithful, so I understand temptation but chose fidelity. This just lets her know that you are a commodity.

maybe take my post with a huge grain of salt.


----------



## HubbyDaddy2013

Here is a quick up date. 

I gave her my "To do" list two nights ago. She was very quick to read it, and put it to the side. I don't even know where it is now. I think she hid it somewhere. WE didn;t talk about the list much. She seemed like she wanted to move past it. I was trying to get her to discuss the list with me, but it didn't happen. Hopefully she follows it, and do what I want her to do. I gave her until Wednesday to set up an appointment with a Marriage Counselor. 

Anyway, Her attitude has been great lately. One thing she did that I did not ask her to do, but she did anyway was SHE DE ACTIVATED HER FACE BOOK ACCOUNT. I'm not sure why she did that I did have on my list that I have access to her Facebook account.... I asked her, and she told me "Because I was tired of reading about my friends complaining" I'm not sure what that means, but maybe she felt it is something she NEEDED to do. 

I had my sister in Law upset she did that though. I never asked her to straight up delete it. I just wanted access to it whenever I wanted to check. 

And before anyone thinks she just blocked me...no I logged out, and did a google search. My Wife's fb profile is no where to be found. It is deactivated for now. 

I hope things improve. For now...the main thing I am looking for is that my wife tells me she scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor.


----------



## BobSimmons

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I believe you are right! *Knowing my wife, I feel that she will want to rug sweep this. She will probably make stupid excuses up as to why she doesn't want to call a MC. She will probably try to say something like "I ****ed up, I'm sorry. I can't undo it. I know it was bad, and I'm sorry. We don't need a MC, and I'm not going to go pay for one because it's a waste of money blah blah"
> 
> I can already see the conversation occurring...
> 
> I really do wonder if she will be back to her old attitude, and ways two to three weeks from now after she thinks everything has blown over...
> 
> I have to be firm about the MC though*. It's not even for me. It's for her. She has no real friends. She needs to talk openly to a professional who can make her THINK and realize what is going on in her head. She won't listen to my, or other family members when it comes to her emotions and why she does things that she does without realizing or caring for the effects on her family when she does them.


You've just given us some insight into your wife's thinking, so coupled with the fact that she banged your brains out, I think it's safe to assume she's giving you nookie to calm things down.

When reality sets in and normal routines begin, will itch will come back. OM is already an experienced cheater, he's put in work, got her hooked and was reeling her in..he still can.

So you kill this now. Hammer down, no BS. You've drawn your line in the sand, she went wow I respect that/I don't want to lose this life we've built (yet) so here have some sex. But the sh*t tests will begin where she'll question this new resolve of yours. Little push backs to gauge if she can slowly slip into her old ways, you let that happen, you might as well book a hotel room for her and OM because you'll be paving the way for her to take it physical.

She comply and books the MC. Give her the list and she complies which each and every demand, no questions asked. Any sh*t tests, or push backs, you simply stay quiet and go pack her bags and tell her to get out.

You must be unwavering on this because now consequences have responses and you are no longer the sap that she can disrespect by telling another man she wants him inside her.


----------



## BobSimmons

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Here is a quick up date.
> 
> I gave her my "To do" list two nights ago. *She was very quick to read it, and put it to the side. I don't even know where it is now. I think she hid it somewhere. WE didn;t talk about the list much. She seemed like she wanted to move past it. I was trying to get her to discuss the list with me, but it didn't happen. Hopefully she follows it, *and do what I want her to do. I gave her until Wednesday to set up an appointment with a Marriage Counselor.
> 
> Anyway, Her attitude has been great lately. One thing she did that I did not ask her to do, but she did anyway was SHE DE ACTIVATED HER FACE BOOK ACCOUNT. I'm not sure why she did that I did have on my list that I have access to her Facebook account.... I asked her, and she told me "Because I was tired of reading about my friends complaining" I'm not sure what that means, but maybe she felt it is something she NEEDED to do.
> 
> I had my sister in Law upset she did that though. I never asked her to straight up delete it. I just wanted access to it whenever I wanted to check.
> 
> And before anyone thinks she just blocked me...no I logged out, and did a google search. My Wife's fb profile is no where to be found. It is deactivated for now.
> 
> I hope things improve. For now...the main thing I am looking for is that my wife tells me she scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor.


Yeah, no you talk about the list. Yesterday!! No rugsweeping. You move past it when she reaches down inside and finds out why she felt the need to sextext another man.


----------



## TOMTEFAR

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Here is a quick up date.
> 
> I gave her my "To do" list two nights ago. She was very quick to read it, and put it to the side. I don't even know where it is now. I think she hid it somewhere. WE didn;t talk about the list much. She seemed like she wanted to move past it. I was trying to get her to discuss the list with me, but it didn't happen. Hopefully she follows it, and do what I want her to do. I gave her until Wednesday to set up an appointment with a Marriage Counselor.
> 
> Anyway, Her attitude has been great lately. One thing she did that I did not ask her to do, but she did anyway was SHE DE ACTIVATED HER FACE BOOK ACCOUNT. I'm not sure why she did that I did have on my list that I have access to her Facebook account.... I asked her, and she told me "Because I was tired of reading about my friends complaining" I'm not sure what that means, but maybe she felt it is something she NEEDED to do.
> 
> I had my sister in Law upset she did that though. I never asked her to straight up delete it. I just wanted access to it whenever I wanted to check.
> 
> And before anyone thinks she just blocked me...no I logged out, and did a google search. My Wife's fb profile is no where to be found. It is deactivated for now.
> 
> I hope things improve. For now...the main thing I am looking for is that my wife tells me she scheduled an appointment with a marriage counselor.


A few thoughts...

Did your W deactivate or remove her account. If just deactivate she can activate it again.

Also I get the feeling she deactivated it so you couldn't get access to it. Maybe she doesn't want you to read the contents in there? If she just deactivated it and not removed it you need to get access....


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## azteca1986

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I gave her my "To do" list two nights ago. She was very quick to read it, and put it to the side. I don't even know where it is now. I think she hid it somewhere. WE didn;t talk about the list much. She seemed like she wanted to move past it. I was trying to get her to discuss the list with me, but it didn't happen. Hopefully she follows it, and do what I want her to do.


Yet your sixth item on the "To do" list is - absolute communication. Doesn't seem like anything has changed. Only recently she was insisting that her OM should come and work on your house. Now, you want to believe just meekly accepted your list. Unlikely. 

It sounds more like Operation Rugsweep is underway. That will only work if you keep hoping for best behaviour on her part, despite evidence to the contrary. She has to earn you back. Putting the list aside is not the way to do this.


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## barbados

You need to think about the possibility that she deactivated the FB account because there were things in their she didn't want you to see. The timing of it and her reason for doing it are both very suspect.


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## farsidejunky

*Re: Re: I caught my wife "sexting" another MARRIED man, already confronted her*



barbados said:


> You need to think about the possibility that she deactivated the FB account because there were things in their she didn't want you to see. The timing of it and her reason for doing it are both very suspect.


This. There is too much rug sweeping and sex distraction to believe this thing hasn't gone farther underground.


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## Omego

Someone mentioned a joint Facebook account. That seems like a much better idea than letting her just deactivate the account. Also, you should make clear that if anything like this happens again, you're done. Make sure she's not just with you for security. Otherwise at the next opportunity she'll start sexting again.

If she loses the romantic feelings or feelings of deep attraction to you she'll put out signals again that she is available.

I hope it works out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral

Have you read mmslp yet?


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## turnera

Dude, she deactivated her account so you couldn't get to it. Now is NOT the time to trust her to be acting benevolently. She is in self-protect mode. Tell her you are NOT happy that she deactivated it, that you want it back up so you can see it, and then you will make it a joint account so you can check on her. Yes, tell her that you WILL be checking on her. Tell her that list you gave her is important, you KNOW what's on it, and even if she tries to pretend you didn't give it to her, you are sitting back and watching her to see if she is following it. Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.

Now is not the time to be nice to her, ok? She's like your teenage daughter who has to earn back the rights to her phone. Treat her any nicer than that and she WILL cheat on you again because you'll have proven yourself a pushover.


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## See_Listen_Love

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I believe you are right! Knowing my wife, I feel that she will want to rug sweep this. She will probably make stupid excuses up as to why she doesn't want to call a MC. She will probably try to say something like "I ****ed up, I'm sorry. I can't undo it. I know it was bad, and I'm sorry. We don't need a MC, and I'm not going to go pay for one because it's a waste of money blah blah"
> 
> I can already see the conversation occurring...
> 
> I really do wonder if she will be back to her old attitude, and ways two to three weeks from now after she thinks everything has blown over...
> 
> I have to be firm about the MC though. It's not even for me. It's for her. She has no real friends. She needs to talk openly to a professional who can make her THINK and realize what is going on in her head. She won't listen to my, or other family members when it comes to her emotions and why she does things that she does without realizing or caring for the effects on her family when she does them.


The language you use is that of a total xxxxxxx xxxxxxx.

Just a hint for you were the real problem is. You 'may' look needy and weak. No doubt that is the impression you make on her.
She will thus see her behavior justified and even caused by this 'imagined' indecisive and apathetic husband.

Like the cheater script, there is also the victim beta husband script. Read on more threads, search for doormat.

It is of no use to act manly and stand up if you have no internal passion to grow a pair xxx. Choose your path. Then take action, and let nothing of your thinking, feeling and acting be dictated by her. Show her your new strong side. You can alway vent and cry here, no problem. But not to her.


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## GusPolinski

*cough* Keylogger!


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## HubbyDaddy2013

turnera said:


> Dude, she deactivated her account so you couldn't get to it. Now is NOT the time to trust her to be acting benevolently. She is in self-protect mode. Tell her you are NOT happy that she deactivated it, that you want it back up so you can see it, and then you will make it a joint account so you can check on her. Yes, tell her that you WILL be checking on her. Tell her that list you gave her is important, you KNOW what's on it, and even if she tries to pretend you didn't give it to her, you are sitting back and watching her to see if she is following it. Whether she wants to acknowledge it or not.
> 
> Now is not the time to be nice to her, ok? She's like your teenage daughter who has to earn back the rights to her phone. Treat her any nicer than that and she WILL cheat on you again because you'll have proven yourself a pushover.


As far as the face book account...She did have it completely open last week. I took it upon myself to log on last Saturday night. I did go through it. I looked through all the messages. There were no messaging conversations on face book between her and OM. ...Unless she had already deleted them. 

I can say that this guy did tell my Sister in Law last week that he felt uncomfortable because she had commented on a face book post that he made. I saw the comment. It simply said "LOL, Get him Jenn". ...She told HIS wife to get him on the post because he had posted a funny picture talking about women. 

HIS WIFE DOES KNOW about their Sexting. ...She said she will deal with her husband. ...Not sure what "dealing" entails for her though. 

...My wife basically posted the comment on face book trying to act like things are copasetic. She was friends with HIS wife as well on there. 

After my sister in law was told that he was uncomfortable with the face book post on his comment, my sister in law told my wife. 

I don't know what happened on face book after Saturday night, but I can see where you say the timing is very suspect for her to deactivate it. 

...I also checked her phone last night. No new messages from OM. ...Unless she was quick to delete them. I also searched her apps to see if she has any messenger app that I don't know about and I don't see any apps. 

...She actually even deleted her face book app from her phone as well. 


Also, tomorrow is my birthday. I work tomorrow, but we are doing something on Sunday. I don't know what plans there are. I do know that my Wife told my Mother in law to tell my Sister in Law that she doesn't want her and her brother over on Sunday. I'm not sure why she would tell them that. It could be because her brother called her a bunch of derogatory names (Which she did deserve!).


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## jerry123

Text apps can be deleted and then restored. 

If you get a chance, take her phone and go to App Store. Type in "text" on search. 

Just hit "text" (4th one down) when it shows up and it will show 2196 apps. Just scroll through a bunch and see if a "cloud" pic is on the download button. If there is one that means she has/does use that pertucular app.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> As far as the face book account...She did have it completely open last week. I took it upon myself to log on last Saturday night. I did go through it. I looked through all the messages. There were no messaging conversations on face book between her and OM. ...Unless she had already deleted them.


Once she reactivates the account (and she likely will, as deactivating an account is not the same as deleting it), look at the "Archived" messages folder.

My wife has a friend/former co-worker that frequently deactivates and reactivates her FB account. Always makes me wonder...



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I can say that this guy did tell my Sister in Law last week that he felt uncomfortable because she had commented on a face book post that he made. I saw the comment. It simply said "LOL, Get him Jenn". ...She told HIS wife to get him on the post because he had posted a funny picture talking about women.


Honestly, she should have already unfriended and blocked both of them at that point.



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> HIS WIFE DOES KNOW about their Sexting. ...She said she will deal with her husband. ...Not sure what "dealing" entails for her though.


That's all between them. Having said that, how is your rapport w/ his wife? If she found them talking again, do you think she'd tell you?



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> My wife basically posted the comment on face book trying to act like things are copasetic. She was friends with HIS wife as well on there.


See above comment.



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> After my sister in law was told that he was uncomfortable with the face book post on his comment, my sister in law told my wife.
> 
> I don't know what happened on face book after Saturday night, but I can see where you say the timing is very suspect for her to deactivate it.
> 
> I also checked her phone last night. No new messages from OM. ...Unless she was quick to delete them. I also searched her apps to see if she has any messenger app that I don't know about and I don't see any apps.
> 
> She actually even deleted her face book app from her phone as well.


Don't look at just the phone in order to determine which apps she has and hasn't been using. Does she use an iPhone or an Android smartphone? Look at the Google Play store or the Apple App Store (whichever is appropriate) in order to determine see which apps have been purchased/installed. It's possible she could be using something like Snapchat or WhatsApp, deleting the app when you're around, and then reinstalling it when you're not. You should also be aware that there are plenty of non-messaging apps that allow embedded messaging. "Words With Friends" comes to mind.

Does she use a tablet (iPad, Nexus, Note, etc) as well?



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> Also, tomorrow is my birthday. I work tomorrow, but we are doing something on Sunday. I don't know what plans there are. I do know that my Wife told my Mother in law to tell my Sister in Law that she doesn't want her and her brother over on Sunday. I'm not sure why she would tell them that. It could be because her brother called her a bunch of derogatory names (Which she did deserve!).


What about the half-sister's stepbrother's cousin's girlfriend's babysitter's pet hamster? LOL, just kidding. Seriously, though, this would make me wonder whether or not your BIL/SIL had more information that your WW didn't want them sharing w/ you.

Does your wife use a computer at all or is it strictly smartphone/tablet?


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## turnera

Look. The bottom line here is this: SHE is CONTROLLING how your reconciliation is going. SHE decides who's coming to your house? SHE decides if she will talk to you about her cheating? SHE decides if she will use the list you gave her?

That is unacceptable. It makes you look weak, pathetic, and easy to cheat on.

You have to give her ONE message and one message only: 

"Wife, I am still deciding if I am willing to give you another chance after what you did to me. *IF *I decide to give you a chance, I MUST have these things - 100% transparency; complete access to your electronics at any time I ask without hesitation, for as long as I need; 100% action on _your _part to fixing this relationship; 100% communication from you, including talking to me when I bring up what you did.

If you're not willing to do those things, fine. I can live without you. Get out. Now. If you _ARE _willing to do those things, then you are going to do them the way I need it done. There is no discussion in this. You're free to leave any time."


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## TRy

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> After my sister in law was told that he was uncomfortable with the face book post on his comment, my sister in law told my wife.
> 
> I don't know what happened on face book after Saturday night, but I can see where you say the timing is very suspect for her to deactivate it.


 You gave her a list and she ignored it. He has an issue with her FB post and she deletes her account. What you think does not appear to matter to your wife as much as what he thinks. Also, when you asked for access to the FB account, deleting it is actually denying you access. Here is the rub, giving you access while keeping the account open would mean that you would have insight into her life as well as how she interacts with other people. Does she flirt on FB with other men? Does she badmouth you with other women? Did she talk about her cheating with other people? With the FB account open and you having access, you would have a chance to learn the answers to these questions. With the FB account closed, she is telling you that she does not want you to know.



HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> ...I also checked her phone last night. No new messages from OM. ...Unless she was quick to delete them. I also searched her apps to see if she has any messenger app that I don't know about and I don't see any apps.


 There are many cheater chat apps that you would never even know were used to chat. For instance, Word with Friends is a game app that many cheaters use to secretly cheat. While their spouses are sitting on the couch next to them thinking that they are glued to their phone playing a game, the cheater sneaks in texts to their lovers between playing without the spouse knowing. 

Bottom line, she either looks you in the eye and agrees to transpancy or she does not. Her taking unilateral actions to cool things down without specifically addressing with you your concerns, means trouble for you later. You temporarily have the upper hand because of what you have learned. When that becomes old news, she will be telling you to get over it and to move on, without her ever having changed the things that allowed her to cheat in the first place.


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## Squeakr

GusPolinski said:


> Don't look at just the phone in order to determine which apps she has and hasn't been using. Does she use an iPhone or an Android smartphone? Look at the Google Play store or the Apple App Store (whichever is appropriate) in order to determine see which apps have been purchased/installed. It's possible she could be using something like Snapchat or WhatsApp, deleting the app when you're around, and then reinstalling it when you're not. You should also be aware that there are plenty of non-messaging apps that allow embedded messaging. "Words With Friends" comes to mind.


Yep, this is how I caught my WW. She was deleting and then redownloading at a later time when she needed them. If she has any of these, also look into the account settings to see what email is tied to them (as there is almost always some email account tied to them for recovery processes). This is how I found one of my WW's hidden gmail accounts and started the bread crumb trail of revelation for me (she gave me nothing but lies, but this trail gave me tons of proof).

Also snap hat has now added IM and calling options as well, so they won;t show up anywhere either (as have the FB apps for the phones/ devices).


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## HubbyDaddy2013

Well, 

I just reactivated her FB account. Her sister in law wants to download a bunch of pics she had on there of her daughter, and the family and stuff. Rather then getting my wife to put these pics on a flash drive to give to her, reactivating FB would be easier. 

I also checked her FB. No new messages were on there. I read all her old messaging conversations. There was nothing personal that she talked about with any one. 

I noticed her FB app list on there. Perhaps I should look into each app to make sure they are not chat apps?


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## turnera

Yes.


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## Squeakr

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> I noticed her FB app list on there. Perhaps I should look into each app to make sure they are not chat apps?


Like I said before the new FB app itself is for chatting and calling. Much like iMessage and FaceTime, it only uses data so no way to know that she is doing anything nefarious if she deletes that history.


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## azteca1986

Has she agreed to the list yet?


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## HubbyDaddy2013

azteca1986 said:


> Has she agreed to the list yet?


She is at work, and I work tonight. ...We don't see each other until like midnight tonight....if she is still awake. I will be telling her she will agree to the list when I see her. Likely tomorrow before I go into work.


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## Baablacksheep

Did I see that the OP is paying part of the mortgage payment but his name's not on the mortgage? I would change something about that if it was me !!


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## azteca1986

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> She is at work, and I work tonight. ...We don't see each other until like midnight tonight....if she is still awake. I will be telling her she will agree to the list when I see her. Likely tomorrow before I go into work.


In the morning sounds better. Remember:- these aren't structures, conditions, ultimatums, etc. these are the first steps that your wife must take to rebuild the trust in her that you were happy to give previously. These are some of the consequences of her poor choices. 

Good luck.


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## TRy

Baablacksheep said:


> Did I see that the OP is paying part of the mortgage payment but his name's not on the mortgage? I would change something about that if it was me !!


 Actually I would not change a thing until I spoke to a lawyer about it, because in some states such mortgage payments would bring the property into community property.


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## HubbyDaddy2013

So Sunday my wife took me out for my Birthday. We went to a nice Restaurant, and walked around the harbor together for hours. It was the most walking I have seen her do at one time in YEARS! Her Legs were hurting when we got home, but I am glad she got a lot of exercise. 

That was our date, and my birthday lunch that she paid for. We also had Sex Sunday night. However, since then...nothing. As of this morning she sort of went back to her old "Nagging Ways" ...I have to take our son to Kindergarten Registration today. She had a nagging type of attitude about it, and implanted it in my head to make sure I show up at registration with the folder she made last night with all the required documents they need. I told her, I am fine, it's okay...I will be there on time. 

There has been no talk about her getting a Marriage Counselor arranged. I told her on Sunday that I want her to have one lined up by tonight as expressed on the list that I gave her last Tuesday. She again was quick about the subject, and said "OK"...and did not want to discuss it further, and said "Let's just walk, and talk about something else" 

I work tonight, so I won't see her until about mid night assuming she is up when I get home. ...What should I do, if she tells me she has not researched marriage counselors and/or not have set up an appointment with one yet? 

I have a feeling she hasn't, and probably won't. She has done everything else on the list successfully thus far, but she seems to be unwilling to see a MC to me.


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## turnera

Are you ready to walk if she doesn't? If so, tell her just that, that you'll start looking at arrangements to separate.


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## naiveonedave

she needs to be doing the work to win you back, not the other way around. If she isn't, your marriage is toast or she is still in the fog. D papers might be the only way to change the latter, the former, she is done anyway, but is too lazy to file herself.


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## See_Listen_Love

HubbyDaddy2013 said:


> So Sunday my wife took me out for my Birthday. We went to a nice Restaurant, and walked around the harbor together for hours. It was the most walking I have seen her do at one time in YEARS! Her Legs were hurting when we got home, but I am glad she got a lot of exercise.
> 
> That was our date, and my birthday lunch that she paid for. We also had Sex Sunday night. However, since then...nothing. As of this morning she sort of went back to her old "Nagging Ways" ...I have to take our son to Kindergarten Registration today. She had a nagging type of attitude about it, and implanted it in my head to make sure I show up at registration with the folder she made last night with all the required documents they need. I told her, I am fine, it's okay...I will be there on time.
> 
> There has been no talk about her getting a Marriage Counselor arranged. I told her on Sunday that I want her to have one lined up by tonight as expressed on the list that I gave her last Tuesday. She again was quick about the subject, and said "OK"...and did not want to discuss it further, and said "Let's just walk, and talk about something else"
> 
> I work tonight, so I won't see her until about mid night assuming she is up when I get home. ...What should I do, if she tells me she has not researched marriage counselors and/or not have set up an appointment with one yet?
> 
> I have a feeling she hasn't, and probably won't. She has done everything else on the list successfully thus far, but she seems to be unwilling to see a MC to me.


You are still a bit of a doormat.

You talk about what SHE DOES and how that makes YOU FEEL.

I commend you to take control of yourself.

From now on YOU ACT, and don't give **** about how SHE FEELS.


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## jnj express

No where have I seen a statement by you---as to whether your wife went NC with her lover---whether she sent a NC Letter, or E-Mail

That must be done for the finalization and ending effect if brings

Why have both of you ignored the NC letter

You also might want to have her sign a post--nup, as a way of letting her know that you are deadly serious about what she did

All her actions as of right now, in re: you and the mge---are her way of doing damage control

Be very wary----she needs the counseling so the depth of her affection for her lover can be ascertained------and so that you will know what you actually need to deal with as to where your wife is really at about her lover, and the so called ending of her Affair


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