# Any thoughts on a man not being able to finish?



## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

I think it's a problem, my husband doesn't.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Stress, tiredness, age, frequency of ejaculation, too much *hand*...

If you make it a problem it will soon become one.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I think it's a problem, my husband doesn't.


Sex should be fun, exploratory , playful and bonding. It should not be about counting or scoring orgasms.

Obviously his not climaxing bothers you and you imply it doesn't bother him.

Why does it bother you? Do you feel you are somehow being a greedy lover or an unskilled lover, or sexual failure? You probably aren't if you H is truly happy.

Figure out why this bothers you. Once you have figured it out sit down with your H and tell him it bothers you and why. Tell him that you don't have any right to change him and don't want to change him. Tell him that you want to help change yourself so that you and he are both happy when it comes to sex. 

Tell him that changing yourself and your feelings may take his helping you to change yourself and that you would like the two of you to go to a sex therapist. ST's are marriage counselors with extra training in sexual matters. Work with the ST on figuring out satisfying things that build intimacy between you that you BOTH feel good about and enjoy.

It should be about intimacy and bonding not orgasm count.

Good luck.


P.S. There could be a bunch of medical reasons and most of them are very bad. You should probably express concern for this medical health and ask that he get a full medical check up with blood work, etc. But as long as he is enjoying sex with you, that should be the goal.

How old are the two of you and is he on any significant medications or have significant medical issues.

As men get older, sometimes they don't "finish" as easily or often as they did in their youth.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> I think it's a problem, my husband doesn't.


How often do y'all ML? How old are y'all?

I think it's more of a sensitivity problem on his part, and I can assure you it has nothing to do with what you are doing or not doing during the session as to whether he can finish or not.

FWIW, most of the time it's the woman who has trouble finishing. Are there times when you can't finish?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

How long has this been going on? Was he having these issues before his affair? after? or always.

For reference to others....her husband had an emotional affair that has been rug swept http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/376225-feeling-betrayed.html


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## hifromme67 (Oct 30, 2016)

He is either having sex elsewhere or masturbating. My hubby had that issue until I discovered he was watching porn and masturbating. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## seek&find (Apr 18, 2017)

I'd be concerned that your husband ISN'T concerned. As a man, it's not a good time when I don't finish. Either he has found a new outlet for release or there is a medical reason that he isn't comfortable sharing.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If you are even halfway overtly conveying your very own personal thoughts and fears about it, I'd have to say that he's probably developing a severe case of "performance anxiety!"

Just back off, stay quiet, and let the man work!*


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *If you are even halfway overtly conveying your very own personal thoughts and fears about it, I'd have to say that he's probably developing a severe case of "performance anxiety!"
> 
> Just back off, stay quiet, and let the man work!*


I have no idea about this case, but some men do not let themselves climax so that they can later perform for their lover.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Too much alcohol?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> I have no idea about this case, but some men do not let themselves climax so that they can later perform for their lover.


*But if they did indeed became too overly-tired in that self-enhancement process of planned satisfaction, then wouldn't it be fair to say that that contrived act of theirs was what greatly contributed to their problematical situation of "failure to launch?"*


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Sex should be fun, exploratory , playful and bonding. It should not be about counting or scoring orgasms.
> 
> Obviously his not climaxing bothers you and you imply it doesn't bother him.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply. It bothers me because previously this was not an issue. It became an issue after our son was born. We are in our 30's. I fear that I'm the problem....that he's not attracted to me or finds me less desirable.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Lila said:


> How long has this been going on? Was he having these issues before his affair? after? or always.
> 
> For reference to others....her husband had an emotional affair that has been rug swept http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/376225-feeling-betrayed.html


It started after our son was born when we tried to get our sex life back on track after having a baby. It also was during/after the EA. It doesn't happen all of the time but it is something that was never an issue before so that is why it concerns me.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Steve1000 said:


> I have no idea about this case, but some men do not let themselves climax so that they can later perform for their lover.


You mean later perform as in cheating?


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

soccermom2three said:


> Too much alcohol?


It does happen sometimes when he's been drinking but not always.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Stress can cause this. Once source of stress is worrying about sexual issues like this. That can set up an unfortunate positive feedback. 

Try really not worrying about it for a couple of months and it might just go away. 

Its not an uncommon problem in men, just not talked about as much as ED.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> You mean later perform as in cheating?


Yes, perform as in cheating. I am not suggesting that this is the likely reason in your case.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

Look, in all honesty this happens. There are a multitude of reasons (stress, alcohol, exhaustion, etc)- not all of them are cheating or porn related.

You did mention that it started after the birth of your child. He may be terrified that you'll get pregnant again...would that be a massive financial issue? ...or, there may be just a touch of "Madonna-*****" complex.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Any new medications, especially antihistamines and decongestants? Those sometimes mess me up (but she can _usually_ finish me orally in that case).


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

FeelingBetrayed said:


> Thank you for your reply. It bothers me because previously this was not an issue. It became an issue after our son was born. We are in our 30's. I fear that I'm the problem....that he's not attracted to me or finds me less desirable.


From the above, it sounds to me that you do feel it is an issue even if he doesn't. I appears that your concerns are about your desirability as a lover and sex partner. You place the point of time in change at the birth of your son. You have also struggled with you H having what you believe to be an EA.

If you were my sister, I would advise you to go talk to an individual counselor first, so you can sort out "your issues" in your marriage. You are obviously a loving wife who wants to please her husband and feel he desires her. Your confidence is shaken at the moment and you are obsessing about his finishing. 

Since your H is in his 30's (unless very overweight and out of shape, or has medical reasons) I would be surprised if this is a serious medical problem. 

Once you have gotten you mind around why this is important to you and you have made some IC progress, then I would suggest that you and your H go to a marriage counselor together. In you mind it is connected to when you son was born and it that is indeed the cause for his changed behavior he may have a madonna/wh#re complex thing going on, where you as the mother of his child, now have to be treated than the woman he lusted after to make that child. Alternately, it would be good for your marriage to have some counseling to clean up any loose ends regarding his EA. Rug-sweeping is not a good idea, it is an avoidance technique.

I really wish you the best, but I will again say that based on your initial post and this post, this sounds to me like it is more your issue than his and that as long as he is being satisfied, you shouldn't make too much out of it.

Good luck to you.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

seek&find said:


> I'd be concerned that your husband ISN'T concerned. As a man, it's not a good time when I don't finish. Either he has found a new outlet for release or there is a medical reason that he isn't comfortable sharing.


*... or he is just too damned "pooped to pop!"*


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Could be a drug side effect. It is called being inorgasmic. I had this problem when I was taking certain prescribed and unprescribed medications. Can he ejaculate when he masturbattes? If not, he should see a doctor real soon. If he can ejaculate while masturbating, but not with you, have a talk about his sexuality because that means he cannot orgasm with either just you or any woman. I also had this problem when having sex with women I just met and who wanted sex. First time we wife swapped neither my wife nor I could reach an orgasm. Anxiety was the problem for both of us, as well as a lot of Cocaine.  

The problem can be mental, drug induced, sexual preferences or anxiety. He should be concerned and the fact that he is not is very suspicious. The reason I say suspicious is because my ex fiancee had a lot of trouble having an orgasm with me. She cheated and then went from guy to guy seeking the big O. Finally found it with a woman she is now married to. Anything is possible so find out why and do not let him brush you off. No sense in staying in a relationship like this because sooner or later he will want an orgasm and if he is not having them with you, he will find someone to have them with.

I will mention two other possibilities that I am aware of. The first is that he is compusively mastrubating. I was doing that at one time and when my wife wanted sex I could not reach orgasm because I had done so 4 times already that day. The other reason is that he had sex previously with someone. I have been there myself since I was poly and might see three girls in one day and by the time I was with the third, I could not orgasm anymore.


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## FeelingBetrayed (Apr 17, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> From the above, it sounds to me that you do feel it is an issue even if he doesn't. I appears that your concerns are about your desirability as a lover and sex partner. You place the point of time in change at the birth of your son. You have also struggled with you H having what you believe to be an EA.
> 
> If you were my sister, I would advise you to go talk to an individual counselor first, so you can sort out "your issues" in your marriage. You are obviously a loving wife who wants to please her husband and feel he desires her. Your confidence is shaken at the moment and you are obsessing about his finishing.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your thoughtful response. I truly appreciate it. I love my husband and want him to be happy & satisfied. I will do some thinking and look into options.


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