# We're separated, he's sick, could use advice



## notheartless (Oct 14, 2013)

Hi folks,

I could use some advice on my situation: My husband and I have been separated for nearly a year, and have been on the road to divorce for two years. (We moved to another state and had to wait for a residency requirement.) We've "stayed friends" as much as possible--we've maintained regular contact largely because here in this new state, neither of us knows anyone else and it made us both feel better to know that if either of us needed help, we could at least call each other. We go out to dinner about once a month, and we text/email several times a week, normally. Neither he nor I want to get back together; originally the divorce was his idea, but he wasn't a fantastic husband so I was on board with this pretty fast.

So more than three weeks ago, he goes dead silent. I figured he just wanted some space or was backing off or whatnot, so I just let it be. After a week and a half, I sent him a short email asking what was the deal with the silence. (We had recently finished all of our divorce paperwork, so I thought it might be related to that.) He sent a short response that he'd had a health issue come up, but not to worry, and that he'd tell me all about it when he was better, in a couple of days likely. After five days, and noticing he hadn't logged in on Xbox or other things we're both involved in, I was starting to get worried. So I called him, and he sounded pretty run down. Did not want to talk about whatever health thing is going on. Tried to keep the convo light, but he really didn't sound great, and it sounded like he hadn't even been to work in a while, which is really unusual and alarming for him. I showed concern, but definitely didn't push him, told him I'd let him handle this how he saw fit. Again he said he'd let me know what was going on when he was better. Another five days pass with no discernable activity, and I texted him, just short and checking in. No response. The next day I emailed him just saying I was concerned and to just let me know that he was alive. Which he did.

At this point, I'm starting to get really pissed. He claims he doesn't want me to worry, but I've known this man for 8 years, I'm technically still married to him, and we've tried to keep a friendship in place, and yet now, there's something seriously wrong probably (this isn't going to turn out to be bronchitis or something, or he would've mentioned that), and I'm being completely cut off. Yes, I know this isn't about me, but after a weekend of now being flat-out worried sick and having such a hard time getting a hold of him, I'm frustrated and tired of this. There is no reason for him to have isolated himself this way--I've always been supportive and helpful when he's been ill, but I've also been respectful of our situation--it's not like I would go running down to his apartment (45 minutes away) and try to play mommy. His family lives 2 states away, and he has no close friends here in town yet--I'm having a hard time understanding why he wouldn't at least want to keep someone nearby somewhat informed in case he was in real trouble.

I'm hurt and offended, on top of being worried. I'm not sure what to do. If I completely back off and keep utterly silent and communication free, I won't have a clue if he's even alive. And even though it's over and we're nearly divorced, I can't be heartless and not worry. I have no other source of information--his parents likely wouldn't talk to me, and we have no mutual friends who could at least say, "yeah, I talked to him this morning, he's fine." On the other hand, if he so clearly does not want my support and help or concern, should I just really completely remove myself from the situation? I feel like I'd have to block him on social media or Xbox to stop seeing that he hasn't been on and to stop the gnawing worry that is starting to keep me up at night.

I'm not sure if I should keep gently checking in, or if I should take the "lady, get out of my life" hint that seems to be the message here. Any suggestions?


----------



## somethingnewmaybe (May 12, 2013)

Sounds like he doesn't want to tell you in which case what other choice do you have but to respect that. I'm guilty of not saying how I feel, looks like his actions are doing it in the absence of words.


----------



## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

You are divorcing. His health issues are no longer your concern. If he wants you to participate in his ordeal he will let you know. Otherwise, move on with your life.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Let it go. His health issues are no longer your concern.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It's his life. Let him live it.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree that it's his life. He's choosing to not confide in you. But like you say, you are still his wife technically. If anything happens to him it impacts you.

Is there a possibility that he's not really ill but instead covering for something.. like he as someone new in his life?

I think that your concern is that you are still friends on some level. If he is very ill and you could have helped him you would feel very badly. So maybe just send him a text once a week and say that you hope he's feeling better. He can contact you if he needs any help.


----------

