# Everybody is capable of cheating given the right circumstances/opportunity?



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Some of you agree with this and some don't. I've been thinking about this lately and my first answer would be "No, that's not true. Some are made to cheat and some others are not.."
I've been discussing it privately with another member here but I'd like to discuss it with the rest of you and I'll ask you the same question that I asked him:

If you were in a deserted island with an opposite sex human but *nobody *[including your SO] knows about it and nobody will ever know that you are there... 
If the opposite sex person is extremely attractive to you, enough to make you consider cheating...would you actually cheat? 
I repeat, NOBODY will EVER know about where you are and with who. 

This is the right circumstance and opportunity to cheat. 

*****
Some of you have already been in situations where you could cheat but chose not to...
*Deep down inside...were you afraid someone would find out that's why you didn't cheat?
Or maybe you weren't attracted enough to cheat so you decided it wasn't worth it? *

I know this is very hypothetical and we don't know what we'd do unless we're in that very situation.
I wonder what we'd do if we were in the exact same situations and felt the same way like the WS...

Personally...what I know now is that I would never want to put my SO in the situation where he would be clueless about what happened in the island. It would hurt to play him and look at him in the eye pretending like nothing happened. It would simply be unfair. I say this because it never happened to me to be extremely attracted to someone else other than my (ex) partner (back then)...

..but are people conscious and have a clear mind around other /bigger temptations?
Do you wonder?


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

I'd like to think that I wouldn't.

Two reasons,

A. I love my wife.
B. As you mention, how on earth could you look them in the face and tell them that you love them if you had done that.


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## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

I would know


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I'd like to think that I wouldn't.
> 
> Two reasons,
> 
> ...


So, if you didn't love your wife you would cheat?


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I think it's how the risk vs reward balances against your moral character. 

If your morals are high against cheating, then it will take very high reward and near zero risk for you to cheat. A situation that is not likely.

If your moral values say cheating is not that bad, then you might cheat with random strange in the men's room through a glory hole while on a date with your spouse. Then when you get caught you will turn it all around onto your spouse saying its Their fault for taking you places with men's rooms and strangers. 

Okay, wild exaggerations, but it illustrates my concept.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Love for your spouse factors into the risk. The more committed and loving the relationship, the higher the risk of losing it would be.


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## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> So, if you didn't love your wife you would cheat?


If he didn't love his wife, one would assume he wouldn't be with her:scratchhead:


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

Yes, the perfect storm can happen, even though its not a certainty.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Kronk said:


> If he didn't love his wife, one would assume he wouldn't be with her:scratchhead:


Why assume he simply wouldn't be with her when hundreds of marriages still exist because of the kids or because of the security they provide?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My story may be a bit dull but...

For me, I've always been faithful to all women throughout my life except to one -> and ironically this woman is my wife. I never thought it was possible until it happened. Years ago before I got married my wife/gf at the time, we had an extremely rough patch - the start of all our problems together - due to religious issues. We had fights and STs for long periods of time, suspicions of betrayal and breakups/get back together/breakups during this time of turmoil.

What kept us from simply moving on was the fact that for the first 2 years of our relationship, we were really something and we both knew that. However, it reached the point when I didn't feel like it was a relationship at all, that we were holding onto nothing. After one major fight I got myself drunk, went out to a party, flirted with a woman who struck my fancy, slept with her, and although I was filled with remorse and regret straight after - the damage was done. It was the dealbreaker. I broke. I can't blame anyone for it but myself, and we had to split, I had to lose her, otherwise I would have never learnt.

To this day I am still uncertain if it even happened, and with what little I do remember, kissing did definitely happen and I can consciously recall it, but regardless - I couldn't downplay it, I cheated, end of story. Her giving me another chance was difficult, but I'm glad she did as I know that I will never do it again. I've been loyal to her since marriage as well - like I had a choice though, she pretty much sucked me dry for 4 years I could barely keep up with her let alone cheat on her.

I never thought I could do it, but I did. So yes, I agree that everybody is capable. I also believe everyone should learn what they can here when it comes to infidelity - the red flags, the ways to prevent it, understanding what causes it, etc etc. Prevention is much better than cure in this case, and one shouldn't be too proud to deny the fact that we are all human and we all have our breaking points.


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## Kronk (Dec 8, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> So, if you didn't love your wife you would cheat?





lovelygirl said:


> Why assume he simply wouldn't be with her when hundreds of marriages still exist because of the kids or because of the security they provide?


I assume simply because if I didn't love someone I would not be with them. Life is too short to spend it being miserable.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Bullsh!t.

I have something called morals. A lot of people may say they have them when its convenient but mine actually mean something to me. 

I've never taken powder in my nose or a needle in my arm, and I know damn well thats not happening in my lifetime. 

This whole 'everyone can cheat if they have opportunity' is a load of bullsh!t, and usually framed around illogical circumstances inside or regularity.

One of my single neighbors leaves his backdoor unlocked and usually works 12 hours a day. I'd have the perfect opportunity to rob him blind and make a quick buck pawning his stuff if I so wished, but I don't see myself doing that anytime soon, especially since I myself was robbed in the past.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Like the joke goes " would you make love to me for a million dollars?'

That was when a million dollars was a lot.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

I would only do it on the island if it was a fact we would not be rescued and it was Maryanne from Gilligans Island.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Believe it or not there are people in the world that have a little thing inside of them called INTEGRITY.

Like Kasler...I've never done any kind of illegal drug ever. Does that mean if I was on a deserted island and there was a line of coke and I knew no one would ever know about it.......No. I wouldn't. Same with the hypothetical OP. No. I wouldn't.

Kasler...you could be my next door neighbor, man! LOL I leave the keys in my car and in my motorcycle and never lock my front door until going to bed.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Bullsh!t.
> 
> I have something called morals. A lot of people may say they have them when its convenient but mine actually mean something to me.
> 
> ...


You know, that's the thing about people getting into affairs, you never really expected that they would do it. They're all men and women of such integrity, well at least they'd like to tell the world that they are saints.

I don't ever know what I'll do when faced with such a situation like the one described. I'm pretty sure I'm capable of cheating on someone, that I haven't done so far in my marriage and my past relationships(short as they were) surprises me as well. Or perhaps that is the only reason I haven't cheated on someone, the fact that I've acknowledged to myself that I'm capable of doing it and have gone out of my way to avoid the temptation of it all.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

How long are we on this island?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kronk said:


> If he didn't love his wife, one would assume he wouldn't be with her:scratchhead:


:rofl:


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## Jadiel (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't think i could cheat. I feel guilty even being hit on by girls. Doesn't happen very often but it happens. 

That's why i don't understand a lot of it. I am fully capable of being intoxicated, horny and alone with an attractive woman, and its a no brainer. I don't cheat. I pride myself on my ability to say no to sex. Why is it so hard for other people?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> Bullsh!t.
> 
> I have something called morals. A lot of people may say they have them when its convenient but mine actually mean something to me.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your sentiments, but I believe you are mistaken.

Just from a quick reading on these forums for the last 3 months or so, I can't tell you how many times I read 'I/She/He is a very upright person. This is TOTALLY out of character for them/I can't believe I did this HELP!/If you had asked me to bet that X would happen, I'd never have believed it.'

So this is a 'True Scotsman' fallacy. That means that all the people who stated they had integrity were wrong or lying. It totally dismisses the idea that they fell in a single area.

In North Korea, they had a famine in the '90s. Weather was bad, the government ran into trade embargos with the East and West. The system of government wasn't the most efficient. Things got very bad. People were picking pieces of undigested corn out of animal excrement to eat it got so bad. They had this saying "All the good ones died first"

So...at some point, it's been suggested, though never documented (certainly not by the 'Perfect' Government there) that some of the dead...well, they didn't exactly get buried intact. Major muscle groups and organs missing. Am I painting a clear enough picture?

Do Koreans have 'cannibal' genes? Are there 'cheater' genes? Or are some people put into circumstances where right and wrong get a little gray? Would a Kasler, faced with starving dying children, one night pull out a long knife if he was in Korea, or would he allow his kids to die? Would a Kasler, with a wife who has cancer of the uterus, but loving his wife, live a life of celibacy because she could no longer mate due to illness? For how many years? Forever?

I don't know the answer to these questions. Maybe it's true that morals and integrity are bulwarks which make them immune to such enticements. OR...some people have never faced the acid test, though they don't realize it. 

I've never been particularly tempted by drugs either. But I've never TRIED drugs. So does that make me 'moral' or inexperienced? 

I won't say there aren't people who will never succumb (from what I understand, Mrs. McCain waited 7 years for her husband the POW to return). Would she have waited 10?

I think that easy answers are suspect, is all I'm saying.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

JCD said:


> I appreciate your sentiments, but I believe you are mistaken.
> 
> Just from a quick reading on these forums for the last 3 months or so, I can't tell you how many times I read 'I/She/He is a very upright person. This is TOTALLY out of character for them/I can't believe I did this HELP!/If you had asked me to bet that X would happen, I'd never have believed it.'
> 
> ...


hypothetical situations amount to nothing, especially since that 2nd one, yeah I'v been through worse. For me they don't really matter. On certain things I know I'll never budge an inch.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I was in this exact situation with a coworker. We spent a lot of time together for work. We also frequently took our lunches together because we had the same schedule. I considered it simply a work friendship. I had no feelings for her other than that. But one day she asked me to give her a ride home from work because he car was in the shop. The conversation on the way was a bit uncomfortable to me. She was talking about her boyfriend in the navy and how lonely she got when he was away for months at a time. When we got to her house she invited me in. I knew where it would lead and to be honest I thought about it for a minute or two (I am a man after all). But in the end I told her that I needed to get home to my family.

If I had gone inside nobody would have found out. I could have gone through with it and my wife would not have been hurt. She would never have known. But I refused the offer. I didn't refuse because of the coworker. I didn't even refuse because of my wife. I refused because of me. Because it would have eventually eaten away at me. Because it would have stained my heart and soul. I refused because it is who I am.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Kasler said:


> hypothetical situations amount to nothing, especially since that 2nd one, yeah I'v been through worse. For me they don't really matter. On certain things I know I'll never budge an inch.


Declarations such as this one would mean nothing if your resolve was never tested.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Kasler said:


> hypothetical situations amount to nothing, especially since that 2nd one, yeah I'v been through worse. For me they don't really matter. On certain things I know I'll never budge an inch.



Have you been tested hard on the sexual front? And by that I mean a couple years of spousal indifference, sexual frustration and someone new coming into your life and not just wanting a roll in the hay, but who promise a full blown satisfying relationship?

That is a make or break test. Until you face THAT, then I feel it safe to say that the rectitude is just as hypothetical as the situations.

I don't believe in perfect people. Everyone has a vice. For some it isn't lust but overwheening pride...and we know what comes after pride.

Edited to add:

And you raise a fair point, i.e. this



> *On certain things* I know I'll never budge an inch.


I had a good friend. He was, for the most part, sexually indifferent. He wasn't into porn. He wasn't into other women. He was barely into his wife.

So...is HE a model of moral rectitude? Somehow I don't think so, since he was a hacker, a thief (before I knew him) and would ef you over if he felt you were disrespectful to him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

But those with integrity will chose not to.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> But those with integrity will chose not to.


Again, True Scotsman fallacy.


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

Research carried out by the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy concluded that 74% of men and 68% of women would have an affair if they knew they would never get caught.

Not comforting, unfortunately


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I know for a fact that I would not. Even before I knew the pain of being betrayed, it was something I would never have done. There is no way I could ever look him in the eye again if I did.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> But those with integrity will chose not to.




That's why the lines in my signature are my favorites and every time I read them I wonder : Are there men of integrity? 
Would they still maintain the integrity once faced with hard sexual temptation?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> That's why the lines in my signature are my favorites and every time I read them I wonder : Are there men of integrity?
> Would they still maintain the integrity once faced with hard sexual temptation?


See that there's the difference between a smart man and a man who trusts that he has integrity. A smart man won't go looking for trouble and he'll make a quick exit when faced with this situation. won't even have to put his integrity to the test. On the plus side this guy can still say that he's a man of integrity regardless of what he is.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> That's why the lines in my signature are my favorites and every time I read them I wonder : Are there men of integrity?
> Would they still maintain the integrity once faced with hard sexual temptation?


I had this conversation with a relative. She's rather religious.

So...the discussion gets to 'real Christians', and someone pointed out that X, Y, and Z gave Christians a bad name because of the scandals they were involved with.

Her reaction was this: "They weren't REAL Christians."

Forget their devotions heretofore. Forget the decades of work they had done. Forget the churches, conversions, and charities they had put together. 

NOW they were 'not real Christians.'

So I find that definition a bit one dimensional.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

To me, there aren't real Christians and fake Christians. 
Apart the fact that I don't really believe in Christianity or in any other religion and I'm mostly inifferent, I can say Christians or not, real or fake...THEY ARE HUMANS! They are not Gods and just like any other human they can still make mistakes and risk to lose what we call "integrity".


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'm not physically capable of cheating.

I know this for a fact.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> See that there's the difference between a smart man and a man who trusts that he has integrity. A smart man won't go looking for trouble and he'll make a quick exit when faced with this situation. won't even have to put his integrity to the test. On the plus side this guy can still say that he's a man of integrity regardless of what he is.


So in the the situation with my coworker which was I? A smart man? A man of integrity? Both?


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> See that there's the difference between a smart man and a man who trusts that he has integrity. A smart man won't go looking for trouble and he'll make a quick exit when faced with this situation. won't even have to put his integrity to the test. On the plus side this guy can still say that he's a man of integrity regardless of what he is.


Exactly.

Why go through that situation in the first place?
Why bother risking?

@bfree- why did you decide to risk by taking that woman home?
What was the point in that?
Even if you didn't do anything, if I were your wife I would be extremely upset with you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

bfree said:


> So in the the situation with my coworker which was I? A smart man? A man of integrity? Both?


To me you weren't a smart man. 
Just a lucky man for she didn't insist you get inside.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> So in the the situation with my coworker which was I? A smart man? A man of integrity? Both?


A man who walks away from temptation.

I think there was quite a bit more to lose than you are acknowledging. Having the relationship between you and this woman COULD have had direct repurcussions far wider than 'only I would know.' Well, yes. But SHE would know. SHE might act. SHE might have a disease. SHE might be Glenn Close's cousin.

I think that makes you SMART to realize that actions have consequences...even ones you can't foresee easily.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> To me, there aren't real Christians and fake Christians.
> Apart the fact that I don't really believe in Christianity or in any other religion and I'm mostly inifferent, I can say Christians or not, real or fake...THEY ARE HUMANS! They are not Gods and just like any other human they can still make mistakes and risk to lose what we call "integrity".


So you still cling to the notion that A slip can lead to a total loss of integrity?

If I cheat, I don't automatically become a thief...or a bad credit risk...or someone who sells used cars.

I'm still me who made a mistake.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

bfree said:


> So in the the situation with my coworker which was I? A smart man? A man of integrity? Both?


Which came first? The chicken or the egg?

bfree, how would you expect me to know what kind of a man you are? Based on your post, I'd say you were smart enough not to enter her house.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Exactly.
> 
> Why go through that situation in the first place?
> Why bother risking?
> ...


As I said, she was just a work friend at least in my mind. I did for her what I would have done for any friend. Frankly if it wasn't already on my way I probably would have told her to ask someone else. We had never had that type of conversation before so I was completely unprepared for it. Call me naive but I was under the impression that she just considered me a friend. But I was not naive enough to know what was being offered and to know what would happen if I went into her apartment with her.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I think a lot of those who claim that they would never ever cheat, are those who don't know their own breaking point. My belief is that everyone has their own breaking point for everything.

I vote for circumstances, which are individual, and opportunity.

I wonder if anyone truthfully can say that they have never in their life done anything they knew to be wrong. Speed limit? Badmouthed other people? Lying, just a tiny little white lie?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

JCD said:


> So you still cling to the notion that A slip can lead to a total loss of integrity?
> 
> If I cheat, I don't automatically become a thief...or a bad credit risk...or someone who sells used cars.
> 
> I'm still me who made a mistake.


But in the end, when the truth comes out you will forever be branded as a cheater. Your spouse, if he or she stays with you, may be good enough not to keep reminding you of the fact but in the end it will be a blot on your otherwise squeaky clean rap sheet.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Which came first? The chicken or the egg?
> 
> bfree, how would you expect me to know what kind of a man you are? Based on your post, I'd say you were smart enough not to enter her house.


That's my point. Smart or integrity it matters not. The point is you say no! Its a choice each and every time.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

JCD said:


> A man who walks away from temptation.
> 
> I think there was quite a bit more to lose than you are acknowledging. Having the relationship between you and this woman COULD have had direct repurcussions far wider than 'only I would know.' Well, yes. But SHE would know. SHE might act. SHE might have a disease. SHE might be Glenn Close's cousin.
> 
> I think that makes you SMART to realize that actions have consequences...even ones you can't foresee easily.


At the time my ex wife and I were not doing well. Our sex life was in the toilet and I suspected her of cheating on me. It later turned out to be the case. I really had nothing to lose had I gone through with it. I was fairly certain that my marriage was ending.

Low blow on Glenn Close's cousin. I'm going to lose my breakfast.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Some of you agree with this and some don't. I've been thinking about this lately and my first answer would be "No, that's not true. Some are made to cheat and some others are not.."
> I've been discussing it privately with another member here but I'd like to discuss it with the rest of you and I'll ask you the same question that I asked him:
> 
> If you were in a deserted island with an opposite sex human but *nobody *[including your SO] knows about it and nobody will ever know that you are there...
> ...


What you're really asking is, what kind of person are you?

Do you do the right thing because it's the right thing to do?

or

Do you do the right thing because you don't want to be seen as doing the wrong thing?

This is the same issue as finding a wallet full of cash. Do you keep the cash, throw out the wallet or do you return it.

Some people have more integrity than others.

I know I wouldn't cheat. Not because it wouldn't be tempting, but because I live my life based on one principle, the mirror test. Can I look at myself in the mirror and say I did the right thing.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

bfree said:


> That's my point. Smart or integrity it matters not. The point is you say no! Its a choice each and every time.


That's the thing isn't it? What would you do if you were on this island with nobody else for miles save for this woman who wanted your d!ck in her pvssy real bad?

I don't know what I would do because the only two choices I'd have would be to go for a swim in the ocean(hope its a tropical island) or have sex with her. Which option sounds better? Option 2, for me. Lets just hope that this situation stays hypothetical.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> That's the thing isn't it? What would you do if you were on this island with nobody else for miles save for this woman who wanted your d!ck in her pvssy real bad?
> 
> I don't know what I would do because the only two choices I'd have would be to go for a swim in the ocean(hope its a tropical island) or have sex with her. Which option sounds better? Option 2, for me. Lets just hope that this situation stays hypothetical.


If I am married I do not have sex with her. If I am single I bang the crap out of her. For me its not really a tough question.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> I was in this exact situation with a coworker. We spent a lot of time together for work. We also frequently took our lunches together because we had the same schedule. I considered it simply a work friendship. I had no feelings for her other than that...
> 
> I refused because of me. Because it would have eventually eaten away at me. Because it would have stained my heart and soul. I refused because it is who I am.


Um...no. Or at least, your reasons aren't necessarily the only ones.

You didn't find her attractive. And you didn't have ANY feelings for her.

Saying no was easy in this case.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Okay. Let's turn the hypothetical on it's head.

You are on that island, found coconut milk does a credible job of replacing Jergen's and you spend 4 celibate years on the island with Kate Beckinsale. A HORNY Kate Beckinsale (or fill in model of your choice)

You FINALLY get rescued...and go home to find your wife thought you were dead and was banging some guy.

What is her integrity? What if she only waited one year? Six months?

Is she cheating on you?


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

If I or my wife were on a deserted island with no sign of rescue..... I would not consider it cheating, nor would I ask what happened.

I would assume it and accept it. in that scenario people need each other.

I know she would be ok with it in my case as well.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

JCD said:


> Okay. Let's turn the hypothetical on it's head.
> 
> You are on that island, found coconut milk does a credible job of replacing Jergen's and you spend 4 celibate years on the island with Kate Beckinsale. A HORNY Kate Beckinsale (or fill in model of your choice)
> 
> ...


Yes

Edited to add that I would probably not hold her to my moral standard in that case if it were a year or more. But I would not succumb to temptation simply because it goes against my moral code.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

JCD said:


> Um...no. Or at least, your reasons aren't necessarily the only ones.
> 
> You didn't find her attractive. And you didn't have ANY feelings for her.
> 
> Saying no was easy in this case.


She was very attractive or as my other coworker described her "bangable." Was I attracted to her? Yes. As I said she was very pretty. But I didn't have feelings for her because I didn't allow myself to have feelings for her. But since when does one need feelings for someone if they just want to have sex? The point is that I was in control of my urges and desires at all times. Sometimes I think that's all it really takes. Refusing to rationalize what you know is wrong.


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## iJordan (May 8, 2012)

JCD said:


> Okay. Let's turn the hypothetical on it's head.
> 
> You are on that island, found coconut milk does a credible job of replacing Jergen's and you spend 4 celibate years on the island with Kate Beckinsale. A HORNY Kate Beckinsale (or fill in model of your choice)
> 
> ...


That's actually an interesting ethical dilemma—and not too dissimilar from what Tom Hanks' character experienced in Castaway.

In such a situation, the spouse not on the island has to accept—after some time—that their significant other is dead. Hence any relationship formed from that point on is not cheating in their reference frame.

The spouse on the island knows they are not dead (obviously), and therefore, if they were to sleep with a horny Ms. Beckinsale, they would be cheating. 

The dilemma arises because of the asymmetry: the spouse on the island has to remain faithful because of their knowledge, whereas spouse not on the island doesn't because of their ignorance.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I believe many people who simply believe they aren't capable of it may put themselves in situations believing that, where it becomes more of a possibility. 

I think everyone is capable of it. The trick is to acknowledge that in ourselves, and guard against it by not putting ourselves in potentially bad situations. 

Know the risk, and care more for your mate than to take that risk. If that means missing out on some fun (racy girls or guys nights out, close opposite sex "friends", etc) then that's the sacrafice you make.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

JCD said:


> Maybe it's true that morals and integrity are bulwarks which make them immune to such enticements. OR...some people have never faced the acid test, though they don't realize it.


I agree with almost everything on your post. The quote above even more.

In 20 or so years with my wife, I've been temped just a few times . I think I would have been able to keep it secret. During those 3 times, (only 3 times) I came home and seduced my wife each of those times. My wife wondered what happed that got me all worked up!

All in all, I haven't been faced with the "acid test" At least not one that was that enticing. I think that I am more afraid of STD's than anything else. 

NOW...Where we live, there are many many single/divorced women. They do flirt, even whem my wife is around. They may say something about wanting to borrow me for a while. I know they are just playing and don't really mean it...But???They are cute. I Honestly don't know what I would do with a bottle of wine while my wife was out of town.

I want to believe I am an honest man that wouldn't do that. However with this crazy HD/LD situation?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lovelygirl said:


> Some of you agree with this and some don't. I've been thinking about this lately and my first answer would be "No, that's not true. Some are made to cheat and some others are not.."
> I've been discussing it privately with another member here but I'd like to discuss it with the rest of you and I'll ask you the same question that I asked him:
> 
> If you were in a deserted island with an opposite sex human but *nobody *[including your SO] knows about it and nobody will ever know that you are there...
> ...


I believe that the answer is yes. That said realize it could be a very extreme circumstances.


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

As many have stated, I think much of the decision to not cheat comes down to self respect and self worth. But I think the point of this thread is to challenge the notion that there are people incapable of cheating. To debunk the belief that there are those among us that are immune to the temptation. 

I used to believe this, but now know that anyone is indeed capable of crossing the line (my wife had a 4 month EA/PA a year ago).

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT saying that everyone WOULD cross the line if the right circumstances presented themselves, just that each and every one of us COULD. 

I think that when we tell ourselves "I would never cheat" and dismiss it at that, it can set the stage for a potential problem. Here is why I believe this. 

When we tell ourselves, "I would never cheat" and believe it to be an absolute impossibility, it leaves us vulnerable. Since it is not a possibility, I don't need to guard against it, think about it or take active steps in my life to avoid it. It will just never happen. This is a false sense of security and confidence and can blind us to approaching problems.

I think we all take active, constant steps, to stay on the right path each and every day. And if we are constantly making the right decisions, that means there is always the ability to make the wrong decision. Maintaining fidelity is a constant process that requires evaluating relationships and situations and proactively managing potential issues before they get too close.

If there is one thing this past year has taught me, it is that there is no such thing as certainty in life. I was certain my wife would never betray me that way. I didn't need to think about it, because it wasn't a possibility. Until it was, and she did.

So *will *I cheat when these opportunities present themselves? No. But I won't cheat because I don't take that for granted. I work to ensure it each and every day.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME said:


> As many have stated, I think much of the decision to not cheat comes down to self respect and self worth. But I think the point of this thread is to challenge the notion that there are people incapable of cheating. To debunk the belief that there are those among us that are immune to the temptation.
> 
> I used to believe this, but now know that anyone is indeed capable of crossing the line (my wife had a 4 month EA/PA a year ago).
> 
> ...


This might be the best answer I have seen yet. I agree, everyone can cheat but some won't. It is a choice.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'll know... Which means the answer is no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Anyone saying they are incapable of it is being laughably naive.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm very capable, always knew. I never did it but I stay focused by being aware of this vulnerability, watching my boundaires, understanding the slopes.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Everyone is "capable" of it.

JMO, but as a woman I think I have less incentive to cheat than a man would. What would be the point?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> Everyone is "capable" of it.
> 
> JMO, but as a woman I think I have less incentive to cheat than a man would. What would be the point?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a woman does not respect the man she is with and a man comes along that commands respect and gives her what she needs she will cheat unless she is keenly aware of herself and has strong enough boundaries to warn her of the danger.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This scenario is for like a "ONS", right?

Not worth the detriment to my character. Even if no one else knows, I will. I'd be appalled at myself for it.

That doesn't mean I haven't thought about it, especially being that I'm not married to the world's greatest guy... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

I have thought about this many, many times after finding about my STBXW's affair. 

At first my answer was a solid No...I would never cheat. As time goes on I'm beginning to wonder. If the right (or wrong) circumstances, opportunity and person presented themselves I am just not so sure anymore. Maybe this is because I have become pessimistic about the honesty and dedication of others in a committed relationship. I have been married twice and both wives have cheated. 

If my STBXW was someone who I met while married to someone else, I would be tempted, especially if she went after me like she did her POSOM. She certainly is attractive and is my favorite type physically...in every way. She can be fun, sexy, and enticing. I guess I can't blame the POSOM for "going for it" based on the physical temptation alone. Don't get me wrong, he is still a POSOM with no moral integrity or empathy for me or my family...but then again, neither is she. 

I guess my point is...I just don't know anymore. But this is pure speculation not a real world opportunity. In the past I have always avoided anything like this and was alert enough to raise my guard if I sensed an attraction to another...or from another. 

I would like to think that my conscience would not allow me to venture towards the destruction of my own character. Then again, all I have to do is visualize my children finding out about me cheating and the respect they would lose for me. That would be enough to stop me in my tracks.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

bfree said:


> If a woman does not respect the man she is with and a man comes along that commands respect and gives her what she needs she will cheat unless she is keenly aware of herself and has strong enough boundaries to warn her of the danger.


I don't think it's just respect. A woman has different needs, she may need external validation/attention which is very difficult to get in current relationship with their spouse. My WS came running back to me once she found that grass is not green on the other side but I was not interested in taking her back. So does that mean she had more respect for OM but suddenly that respect is gone?? I don't know what was going on my WS head !!!


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Anyone saying they are incapable of it is being laughably naive.


I suppose it depends on what you would call "cheating".

I have been alone and completely without clothing with more than one woman that I was highly attracted too but emotional entanglement with another woman kept me from being able to perform. It was embarrassing. 

This was long before I met my wife.

I've never cheated.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

What woman would "respect" a guy who would pursue a married woman? I wouldn't.

Good point, John. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> This scenario is for like a "ONS", right?
> 
> Not worth the detriment to my character. Even if no one else knows, I will. I'd be appalled at myself for it.
> 
> ...


No, not really. If you read many of the threads on TAM you'll see that many women lose something for their husbands and it opens up the door for someone else to creep in. Usually its respect in the sense that these husbands are doing too much for their wives while expecting nothing back. That creates an imbalance and these wives start to see their husbands as doormats. All it takes is for some guy to have an ear handy to listen to their problems and so it begins. Even if the guy isn't super macho man the women see him as more of a man than their wimpy husbands. And I'm not saying their husband's are really wimpy, just that their wives perceive them as such. And perception is reality.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I don't think it's just respect. A woman has different needs, she may need external validation/attention which is very difficult to get in current relationship with their spouse. My WS came running back to me once she found that grass is not green on the other side but I was not interested in taking her back. So does that mean she had more respect for OM but suddenly that respect is gone?? I don't know what was going on my WS head !!!


No, it means that she probably didn't respect you when you were together but once you moved on and didn't need her she suddenly found you more attractive. That and she probably saw that her new man was no better than her negative image of you. Note I said image of you because as is often the case the WS demonizes the BS to justify their actions.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> What woman would "respect" a guy who would pursue a married woman? I wouldn't.
> 
> Good point, John.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Judging by the statistics and the stories here on TAM....too many.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

bfree said:


> No, not really. If you read many of the threads on TAM you'll see that many women lose something for their husbands and it opens up the door for someone else to creep in. Usually its respect in the sense that these husbands are doing too much for their wives while expecting nothing back. That creates an imbalance and these wives start to see their husbands as doormats. All it takes is for some guy to have an ear handy to listen to their problems and so it begins. Even if the guy isn't super macho man the women see him as more of a man than their wimpy husbands. And I'm not saying their husband's are really wimpy, just that their wives perceive them as such. And perception is reality.


Let me just say, my answer has NOTHING to do with my husband.

Further, if the scenario is more long-term and not a ONS, how would you keep that a secret for so long? And why would you? (Maybe I'm misunderstanding something here)? :scratchhead:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

bfree said:


> No, it means that she probably didn't respect you when you were together but once you moved on and didn't need her she suddenly found you more attractive. That and she probably saw that her new man was no better than her negative image of you. Note I said image of you because as is often the case the WS demonizes the BS to justify their actions.


Since I know my WS very well. I can tell you that there was one very serious connection between her and OM past. Apart from that connection the OM was giving her the validation and attention which she was not getting from me as I was totally engaged in our kids life. And one of the most important note I made was: she wants to enjoy her life. When I told her to participate in kids day-to-day life, she rejected that thought. Currently she is exactly opposite and totally devoted to kids life. So feel free to decide whether it's respect for OM or just needed extra thrill from life !!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

After knowing my wife's EA, I had many chances. Some women came rather close.

I chose to stay loyal.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> Since I know my WS very well. I can tell you that there was one very serious connection between her and OM past. Apart from that connection the OM was giving her the validation and attention which she was not getting from me as I was totally engaged in our kids life. And one of the most important note I made was: she wants to enjoy her life. When I told her to participate in kids day-to-day life, she rejected that thought. Currently she is exactly opposite and totally devoted to kids life. So feel free to decide whether it's respect for OM or just needed extra thrill from life !!!


I understand what you're saying but let me throw this out there. Is it possible she saw your role as father and no longer as lover and husband? None of this is your fault of course but it seems to me she should have respected you enough to tell you what she was feeling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

bfree said:


> I understand what you're saying but let me throw this out there. Is it possible she saw your role as father and no longer as lover and husband? None of this is your fault of course but it seems to me she should have respected you enough to tell you what she was feeling.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What you said is correct. She saw me as father but not as a lover/husband. She was treating that OM as lover/husband. My WS is a controlling freak and very insecure so she kept me under total tight control. I lost most of my natural talents and we both got emotionally fused. So my guess is that it was natural for the weaker one to stray and she strayed the moment she found connection. She is a attention seeker but not to the extend of damaging the family but this time she went into deep EA and she told me that she don't know how to come out of it !!!

Overall what I found is that she wanted to be a teenager with no responsibilities. And the greatest irony in this story is that the OM is also behaving like a teenager, even though he has two kids and spouse !!!


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> So you still cling to the notion that A slip can lead to a total loss of integrity?
> 
> If I cheat, I don't automatically become a thief...or a bad credit risk...or someone who sells used cars.
> 
> I'm still me who made a mistake.


I would say that a slip makes you lose integrity but if you claim to have integrity then you won't cheat or steal. 
Obviously cheating is not the same as selling used cars. I think that's a bad analogy. Selling used cars can be for a lot of reasons but cheating is definitely a lack of character and so is stealing.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

JCD said:


> Um...no. Or at least, your reasons aren't necessarily the only ones.
> 
> You didn't find her attractive. And you didn't have ANY feelings for her.
> 
> Saying no was easy in this case.


That's the point I was trying to make. It's easy to be logical and think with a cold mind to a mid/low temptation...but what if the temptation is high? 
This makes me think that given that we're humans after all...integrity has a limit. It's not always on its highest peak. We're might not be able to control it in every situation.


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

besides, it's not cheating if your SO is ok with it. i.e. if you died she would expect you to move on, just as if you were stranded on a deserted island.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ATC529R said:


> besides, it's not cheating if your SO is ok with it. i.e. if you died she would expect you to move on, just as if you were stranded on a deserted island.


I wasn't talking about the situation where one of the partner dies.
This is completely something else.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> What you said is correct. She saw me as father but not as a lover/husband. She was treating that OM as lover/husband. My WS is a controlling freak and very insecure so she kept me under total tight control. I lost most of my natural talents and we both got emotionally fused. So my guess is that it was natural for the weaker one to stray and she strayed the moment she found connection. She is a attention seeker but not to the extend of damaging the family but this time she went into deep EA and she told me that she don't know how to come out of it !!!
> 
> Overall what I found is that she wanted to be a teenager with no responsibilities. And the greatest irony in this story is that the OM is also behaving like a teenager, even though he has two kids and spouse !!!


You know I have a theory that I've discussed with some friends of mine but I've never posted it here.

Women are generally thought of as being able to multi task better than men. And men are thought of as being able to focus more on one specific task than women. In my circle of friends most of the wives seem to have great difficulty in leaving their jobs after they've actually left their jobs. And most of the men have the ability to tune out the world in order to do something they deem important. Here is my theory:

I believe women see their roles (mother, wife, lover, daughter etc) as being all jumbled together in how they see themselves whereas men see their various roles more as side by side facets of their personalities. In other words, a man can be a father when he is with the kids, be a husband with his wife when she needs him in that role, be a lover in the bedroom. But when a woman is with the kids she still sees herself as mother, daughter, wife, lover etc. She can't separate the roles into separate "jobs."

I think some women can't handle all those roles all at once. So they start to drop some of their roles concentrating only on the one or ones that they deem important and let the other ones slide. That would explain why a woman sometimes will no longer feel sexual desire after having children. Or if she is concentrating on her career she doesn't seem to be able to be a good wife. Now I don't think this is true of all women but enough that I've noticed.

I also think that if a woman drops a role she also drops her husband's corresponding role in her mind. This is why I sometimes think women will see their husband as father only and no longer lover. My theory also would explain why so many women choose to leave their husband's once the kids are grown up somewhat and no longer need her to be as involved as a mother. She has already dropped her other roles and if she is not mother....who is she? I believe this is behind the walk away wife syndrome and why some women say they need to find themselves.

This is just my thought and I thought I'd share it.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> This scenario is for like a "ONS", right?
> 
> Not worth the detriment to my character. Even if no one else knows, I will. I'd be appalled at myself for it.
> 
> ...


I think that is absolutely the WRONG scenario for you to be tempted to cheat.

Who would risk something of ANY value on a ONS?

No. You would be tempted by MEETING, INTERACTING, and CARING about 'the World's Greatest Guy'. Some handsome playful guy who is actually interested in Bohemian Macrame (or whatever your hobby is), the one who actually keeps himself 'cut', with this whiney *****y GF who, compared to your spouse, doesn't realize what a gem she has.

A year of 'group' lunches, a few 'team building exercises, that incredibly funny thing he sent you on the email and, his evident heartbreak when 'that b*tch' dumps him and you commisserate together...well...THEN you know what your boundaries REALLY are...


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> No, not really. If you read many of the threads on TAM you'll see that many women lose something for their husbands and it opens up the door for someone else to creep in. Usually its respect in the sense that these husbands are doing too much for their wives while expecting nothing back. That creates an imbalance and these wives start to see their husbands as doormats. All it takes is for some guy to have an ear handy to listen to their problems and so it begins. Even if the guy isn't super macho man the women see him as more of a man than their wimpy husbands. And I'm not saying their husband's are really wimpy, just that their wives perceive them as such. And perception is reality.


A big one seems to be when the husband is unemployed or earning less than his wife. That puts a stress which causes a lot of women (not ALL women) to be less bonded.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

JCD said:


> I think that is absolutely the WRONG scenario for you to be tempted to cheat.
> 
> Who would risk something of ANY value on a ONS?
> 
> ...


Exactly my point. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Some of you agree with this and some don't. I've been thinking about this lately and my first answer would be "No, that's not true. Some are made to cheat and some others are not.."
> I've been discussing it privately with another member here but I'd like to discuss it with the rest of you and I'll ask you the same question that I asked him:
> 
> If you were in a deserted island with an opposite sex human but *nobody *[including your SO] knows about it and nobody will ever know that you are there...
> ...


I would not cheat... there are circumstances where I would due to my spouse witholding. But other than that, I would feel to much guilt. I don't want to live my life like that. However, my stbxw would cheat in a second, she did... on every man she's every been with


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

When it comes to integrity, some people are fierce in their morals and while others are still strong in them, they can still slip. It's a matter of personal willpower, and many times my wife has proven to be stronger then me. She's faced temptation many times especially when I rejected her often, she was left with a gaping hole that she needed forfilled. Many women would have cheated in her position but she chose not to, and she continued to choose not to for 4 years of marriage. 

Ironically the reason I'm as fierce as her when it comes to loyalty nowadays is because I have cheated and suffered the consequences for it. I still put myself in dangerous situations nowadays especially when we seperated but I would never step out unless she gave me the green light which she hasn't. So now I'm celibate.

Despite her strength however she's humble enough to admit that even she has her breaking points, but her strength comes from the fact that during these breaking points she chooses to do the right thing, everytime, and flawless record for 7 years. Not even a scent, or a flag, and still has complete transparency to boot - nothing to hide, and she has her peace from that.

You will find that alot of cheaters here are also the same ones that never thought they could do it until it happened. This also includes me.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Ok, disagree with me if you want. I believe each and every person, because we can think and justify, can make immoral actions moral under the right circumstances. That just doesn’t pertain to adultery... The world is full of justifications for ‘doing the immoral thing’ because something made it “special circumstances” to skirt around your moral code. Where that threshold is varies from person to person.

Recognize that you can do it and it will serve you well to avoid ‘justifying’ affronts to your own personal moral code of conduct.

Ask yourself a simple question: Can you take another life? Most could envision it under some sort of condition. A soldier (that’s war, duty, etc. and not taking personal responsibility).. Maybe an abortion (redefine “life” like you would “cheating”). A threat to others... a retaliation for a wrong.. The possibilities are endless... but the answer is the same. Yes, you would. There is a threshold that needs to be crossed, but you would.

Why would you think adultery is ‘worse’ as far as your own personal moral code goes? You just choose not to be realistic about it like you are immune instead of dealing with the reality that somewhere inside, you’d be ok with it IF _(blah, blah, blah happened)_ .


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

John2012 said:


> What you said is correct. She saw me as father but not as a lover/husband. She was treating that OM as lover/husband. My WS is a controlling freak and very insecure so she kept me under total tight control. I lost most of my natural talents and we both got emotionally fused. So my guess is that it was natural for the weaker one to stray and she strayed the moment she found connection. She is a attention seeker but not to the extend of damaging the family but this time she went into deep EA and she told me that she don't know how to come out of it !!!
> 
> Overall what I found is that she wanted to be a teenager with no responsibilities. And the greatest irony in this story is that the OM is also behaving like a teenager, even though he has two kids and spouse !!!



This is kind of the role I think I became for my STBXW. When I found out about her EA, I asked her to cut back (should have cut OUT) her girl's nights with her toxic friends (I didn't realize how toxic they were at the time). I asked her to wear her wedding rings when she went out. And I expected her back by a certain time. So right on the minute, she would be back. And once, she forgot to put back her rings. Couldn't find them the next day - they were still in her purse. I got very pissed off at this. So she began to resent my "parental" control. And I am not normally a controlling person - actually far too trusting. So I was uncomfortable in my new role as "father".

And the teenager analogy is perfect. I have a 14 year old daughter and anything she does doesn't phase me because I have lived it already with my STBXW. In fact, my 14 year old daughter is emotionally more mature than my STBXW. My STBXW has puppy love fantasies which have dominated her thinking for probably 4 - 5 years.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Racer said:


> Ok, disagree with me if you want. I believe each and every person, because we can think and justify, can make immoral actions moral under the right circumstances. That just doesn’t pertain to adultery... The world is full of justifications for ‘doing the immoral thing’ because something made it “special circumstances” to skirt around your moral code. Where that threshold is varies from person to person.
> 
> Recognize that you can do it and it will serve you well to avoid ‘justifying’ affronts to your own personal moral code of conduct.
> 
> ...


Exactly, to be honest I believe that people should acknowledge that they are all capable of anything despite how strong they are in their morals. My wife has never cheated on me, and has proven her strength of conviction however even she admits that she's capable of it. Her humility also contributes to her strength as it also leaves her open to advice in regards to preventing affairs.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I am the BS. 

Would I have cheated on my wife? Possibly but probably not. It depends on how bad things got in the relationship. 

I had opportunities but did not pursue them. I was attracted to my wife and loved her deeply. And I loved my children too much to have ever done anything like that to them. I could not come home and face my family after having cheated. I knew that in my heart. 

PS - I don't know what taking illegal drugs has to do with the sense of integrity we are talking about. (I'm referring to some earlier posts.)


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> How long are we on this island?


What record would you want, Dolly? Sorry. Sorry. Couldn't resist that!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know, the most devastating thing I ever found out was that *I* was capable of cheating.

What? Nice, kind, loyal, loveable, humorous, sensible, boring Matt could cheat? 

Surprised the people who knew me. Shocked the &*^% out of me.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> So, if you didn't love your wife you would cheat?





lovelygirl said:


> Why assume he simply wouldn't be with her when hundreds of marriages still exist because of the kids or because of the security they provide?


I don't know LovelyGirl, you asked if I would cheat on my wife. I wouldn't, I can't say 100% because there are no guarantees.

All I can say is that I have no desire whatsoever to cheat on my wife. I have what I think of as a good strong marriage and make love as often as I like.
But if you are going to add stressors to the marriage such as stuck on a tropical island, no love, only in it for the kids etc I don't know, how could I know? I would very much like to think that I wouldn't.
I am not religious but I made vows in front of both our families and friends. I always strive to be a man of my word.

I do go away for training quite regularly for my job. The option for cheating would no doubt be there were I to pursue it. But I choose not to.
I am also probably quite lucky in that I am not a 'pretty boy' (you've seen my pic in the 'new pics' thread) so women showing an interest in me is a rare occurence.

Does an attractive man or woman find it more difficult due to the frequency of people trying to pick them up?


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

staystrong said:


> PS - I don't know what taking illegal drugs has to do with the sense of integrity we are talking about. (I'm referring to some earlier posts.)


Two things.

First, the other posters were discussing it as an example of their incredible moral rectitude which they feel seems to carry over into their resistance to cheating. Let me congratulate them on their self control in that field.

Second, I noted that AS A PERSON, I am not tempted by drugs. It doesn't interest me. It's not something I lust for. It seems a waste of money and health.

But I AM interested in girls. So...does that make me morally upright with drugs and morally questionable with women?

No. It means that resisting something in which I have no interest (drugs) takes absolutely NO effort, but resisting the seducutive aspects of a woman DOES take a great effort.

So that is why I question if the resolution of some of the posters is due to incredible moral rectitude...or that their 'kink' is something else...like a race track or alcohol or fishing or being workoholic.

I am not attacking anyone. Just noting something.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I don't know LovelyGirl, you asked if I would cheat on my wife. I wouldn't, I can't say 100% because there are no guarantees.
> 
> All I can say is that I have no desire whatsoever to cheat on my wife. *I have what I think of as a good strong marriage and make love as often as I like.
> But if you are going to add stressors to the marriage such as stuck on a tropical island, no love, only in it for the kids etc I don't know, how could I know?* I would very much like to think that I wouldn't.
> ...


Huh.

I cut some of this post out because I wanted to focus on two points.

First, I think it very wise to note that resisting infidelity when in a 'good strong marriage' is easier than when discussing staying true in a failed marriage. One can say that a cheater who says this is 'rationalizing' but it's true. If the person is cheating, either the person you married is a sociopath if in a good marriage OR your marriage wasn't all that hot...at least on the part of the WS. Guess which way most BSs would rather look...

Second, I wonder about that attractiveness thing. Does a person married to an attractive spouse stay more attentive because he realizes the danger? Is there an uptick in infidelity based on looks?

I wonder if there are any studies on this.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

JCD said:


> Two things.
> 
> First, the other posters were discussing it as an example of their incredibly moral rectitude which they feel seems to carry over into their resistance to cheating. Let me congratulate them on their self control in that field.
> 
> ...


I like this post. It made me realize that what I have emboldened is how I look at this subject. I believe I posted earlier in this thread although I have not gone back to check. 

I just don't lust for another woman when I am in a committed relationship. I look. I sometimes am attracted. I do not lust after them. It literally made me slightly ill when I found a conversation with another woman, while I was married started to take even just a little turn toward cheating. I could joke. I could sort of flirt; but, I could not let it turn into something more. I just couldn't. I don't know why. I don't know if it is a "fault". I don't think it is.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

JCD said:


> Huh.
> 
> I cut some of this post out because I wanted to focus on two points.
> 
> ...


I would also like to point out that I in no way think that an attractive person is inherently a less moral person.
To me it is just numbers.
For arguments sake let's say I get seriously approached by a woman once or twice a year. 

If you are very good looking you probably get that every week. 

So they are getting 50 times the pressure to stray. Add into the mix a little alcohol and the fact that your spouse has been a bit pissy with you all week and bingo!
In most of the stories on CWI where it went PA the WS is usually described by the BS as very attractive. I have yet to see a story where the BS says that he/she has a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

I have always tried to keep away from situations that could be trouble, if you stay away from fire you won't get burned.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Does an attractive man or woman find it more difficult due to the frequency of people trying to pick them up?


Great point!!

There are women/men who don't cheat because they aren't really hit on and don't get much validation from the opposite sex people, hence no so many chances to cheat.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

In a word, NO!

I am loyal to a fault!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

That's what my wife says, and she's proven it. But that's just one individual.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Great point!!
> 
> There are women/men who don't cheat because they aren't really hit on and don't get much validation from the opposite sex people, hence no so many chances to cheat.


I think attitude has a lot more to do with attractiveness than looks. I've known some guys that frankly shouldn't pull women but do because of their demeanor. I've also known some women that are very beautiful that I would have absolutely nothing to do with because of their acidic personalities.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

bfree said:


> I think attitude has a lot more to do with attractiveness than looks. I've known some guys that frankly shouldn't pull women but do because of their demeanor. I've also known some women that are very beautiful that I would have absolutely nothing to do with because of their acidic personalities.


Yeah, in my previous post I wasn't referring only to looks but also to the way one behaves around the opposite sex. 
They don't have looks but have manners.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> I think attitude has a lot more to do with attractiveness than looks. I've known some guys that frankly shouldn't pull women but do because of their demeanor *which women value more.*. I've also known some women that are very beautiful that I would have absolutely nothing to do with because of their acidic personalities *which trumps their looks*.


They are looking for different things. Women aren't driven by appearance the way men are.

Men go by appearance...but not JUST appearance.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

JCD said:


> They are looking for different things. Women aren't driven by appearance the way men are.
> 
> Men go by appearance...but not JUST appearance.


Still fixing my posts huh? Lol


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

bfree said:


> Still fixing my posts huh? Lol


Sorry. I'll start to branch out.


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## dogman (Jul 24, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> You know, the most devastating thing I ever found out was that *I* was capable of cheating.
> 
> What? Nice, kind, loyal, loveable, humorous, sensible, boring Matt could cheat?
> 
> Surprised the people who knew me. Shocked the &*^% out of me.


MattMatt, this is the thing that scares me. I have very strong boundaries because I need them. 

I've had this tested and Ive stayed strong in the face of some interesting desert island situations. Now we have been through a lot together and there are things to work through. I don't want any distractions at a weak time.

So no three hour cruises without my wife. Desert islands cause problems.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

lovelygirl said:


> Some of you agree with this and some don't. I've been thinking about this lately and my first answer would be "No, that's not true. Some are made to cheat and some others are not.."
> I've been discussing it privately with another member here but I'd like to discuss it with the rest of you and I'll ask you the same question that I asked him:
> 
> If you were in a deserted island with an opposite sex human but *nobody *[including your SO] knows about it and nobody will ever know that you are there...
> ...


Nope, I wouldn't cheat because it's not something I could do to myself, let alone another person.
I live my life by the rule of doing the right thing even when no one is looking.


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