# How can I help neighbor being cheated on?



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Ok, so my next door neighbor is a great guy named P. Married to a (we all thought) lovely lady named L.

L and P were unmarried, bought the house together, and a few years later L "accidentally" got pregnant. As far as I know, P did NOT want to have kids and L basically "oopsie'd" her BC pills. They got married. They had another baby a couple years later. The kids are now 2nd grade and Kindergarten aged.

L took a job up north selling and/or renting vacation properties. She is gone most of the time. P works many hours. The kids are with relatives most of the week other than when P isn't working. L has been home 8 days since January. P is alone and lonely a lot of the time. His work schedule is erratic, so that doesn't help him have a social life.

I was outside with my dogs in the backyard a few months ago supervising potty activities because one of my dogs is a d*uche and likes to start drama with the neighbor dog. P was in his yard, couldn't see me through the evergreens, and was talking about how L is cheating on him. At least that is the impression I got before I skedaddled into the house to give him privacy.

A few days ago, my daughter came to me and told me that P had talked to her, that L was indeed cheating on him...with her boss... and that L's family was so furious they offered to pay for P's lawyer and continue helping with the kids. He hasn't decided what he's going to do.

P did not tell my DD not to tell anyone else, but I think that's kind of implied. They've been buddies for a long time. Kindred spirits. No, it's not that he's trying to get into her pants. He's older than me. It's just that she was a kid he took a lot of interest in and was encouraging to go into his profession because of her personality traits and he has always treated her like a niece. She's the only person other than the grandparents that he and his wife will let babysit their kids.

Anyways, now I know. I know he must be hurting and i want to do something nice for him, to let him know we care, but I don't now what and how to do it without embarrassing him by letting him know I know.

Thoughts?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Maybe just tell him that you know, and that you're sorry for everything that he's going through, and that you and Mr. MJ are there if he ever needs to talk.

Oh, and tell him to punt the cu...

Well, you know. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, so my next door neighbor is a great guy named P. Married to a (we all thought) lovely lady named L.
> 
> L and P were unmarried, bought the house together, and a few years later L "accidentally" got pregnant. As far as I know, P did NOT want to have kids and L basically "oopsie'd" her BC pills. They got married. They had another baby a couple years later. The kids are now 2nd grade and Kindergarten aged.
> 
> ...


I think it is implied too and it might upset him to know she told you. Have you told your daughter you want to talk to him about it? If it was me I'd give him a little bit of time to see if he tells you himself.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Personally I wouldn't say anything. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

How old is DD?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Have DD suggest to him a site she knows that might help, called Talk about Marriage.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Kind of depends.

I wouldn't be afraid to tell him and let him know we don't keep secrets within our family, and while we respect his privacy, this was upsetting enough for your D that she shared it with you.

You, in turn, would love to be a shoulder to listen, or will stay out of it completely, respecting whatever he chooses.

You should never apologize for having good communication with your kids IMO


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> The kids are with relatives most of the week other than when P isn't working.


Sounds like both are bad to horrible spouses and even worse parents. Maybe they need to get divorced and pay the relatives child support.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

If you are worried about his response to your daughter telling you, tell him you overheard him through the evergreens, as you stated you had. explain you weren't eavesdropping, but... 
Leave your daughter out of it, but tell him you know. You may be a great resource to him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> I think it is implied too and it might upset him to know she told you. Have you told your daughter you want to talk to him about it? If it was me I'd give him a little bit of time to see if he tells you himself.


That's kind of what I was thinking, but I'd still like to do something nice to let him know we care and maybe give him opportunity to open up.

Do people bake brownies or something anymore??



happy as a clam said:


> Personally I wouldn't say anything. If he wants you to know, he'll tell you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't plan on saying anything. I would like to make some show of caring and support without letting him know I know.



LosingHim said:


> How old is DD?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Old enough to vote. :grin2:



blueinbr said:


> Have DD suggest to him a site she knows that might help, called Talk about Marriage.


He's kind of old school. I don't know if it would be his thing, coming here to vent online, but maybe. I'll see if she can slip it into conversation next time they chat.



TheTruthHurts said:


> Kind of depends.
> 
> I wouldn't be afraid to tell him and let him know we don't keep secrets within our family, and while we respect his privacy, this was upsetting enough for your D that she shared it with you.
> 
> ...


DD is old enough to expect to keep secrets being as she's an adult now.

She wasn't so much traditionally upset as in hurt feelings. She was more "I want to throat punch that b!tch" upset.

Anyone have any ideas of something nice I can do that says we care but aren't trying to get into not our business?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Sounds like both are bad to horrible spouses and even worse parents. Maybe they need to get divorced and pay the relatives child support.


He works in the security industry and his shifts are frequently 12-14 hours, plus commute. He works days, afternoons, and nights as required. When he took his job, his wife was available to care for the kids. She changed her mind to take a job that keeps her away from home.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> She changed her mind to take a job that keeps her away from home.


Her plan all along. She's away from him, got somebody else raising the kids and living like a single girl. I hope he realizes she doesn't give squat about him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I wouldn't say anything directly. Perhaps you can leave him the brownies (who could not love brownies?) with a note that says that your DD mentioned that he is in a rough patch and letting him know that you are there as a neighbor if he ever needs anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> I wouldn't say anything directly. Perhaps you can leave him the brownies (who could not love brownies?) with a note that says that your DD mentioned that he is in a rough patch and letting him know that you are there as a neighbor if he ever needs anything.


I like this one.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I wouldn't say anything directly. Perhaps you can leave him *the brownies (who could not love brownies?)* with a note that says that your DD mentioned that he is in a rough patch and letting him know that you are there as a neighbor if he ever needs anything.


What kind of brownies:grin2:

I like this one too

with either type of brownies:wink2:


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

Stay quiet until he says making sure DD knows resources for him to turn to (including you) if it comes up again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ask your daughter what she thinks is the best course of action.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

VladDracul said:


> Her plan all along. She's away from him, got somebody else raising the kids and living like a single girl. I hope he realizes she doesn't give squat about him.


I don't think so. From what I know of them, she was the one who wanted to have kids and marry and he was content as things were, just the two of them, living together.

She looked for a better job, found one that promised a LOT of money, she thought she'd be able to retire after just a few years, and I think she just got dazzled by her boss and the money she has been making. 

It's real estate, just in case anyone is wondering. Buying, selling, and renting vacation properties. So, it is a legit job with the potential to make a lot of money. From what I understand, she invested in a hotel and some cabins as part owner and has been seeing a profit.

I don't think she had a plan when it started. I think she just got caught up, made some bad choices, and is so in the fog she can't see straight.



alte Dame said:


> I wouldn't say anything directly. Perhaps you can leave him the brownies (who could not love brownies?) with a note that says that your DD mentioned that he is in a rough patch and letting him know that you are there as a neighbor if he ever needs anything.


I think that's what I am going to do. I thought that maybe it'd be seen as creepy or something. Back when I was younger, it would be sweet to provide sweets to a neighbor. Now, everything is so different!

Also, I'm not sure he likes chocolate. I'll have DD do recon if I can or just bake the brownies and if he doesn't like them he can always give them to the kids or take them in to work to bribe or create goodwill among his underlings :smile2:



MattMatt said:


> Ask your daughter what she thinks is the best course of action.


We talked about it the night she told me. She is in the same boat I am. She cares and wants to cheer him up a bit, but isn't sure how. She does love to bake brownies, though, so I think she'll be on board.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

You are in a tough spot. Before doing anything verify the strength of your own marriage. You overhead and want to help. You are remarried, your road has been long and hard. You know how quickly a BS can latch onto to someone, but you know what it could mean to have a friend and a mentor. BSA lifesaving 101: reach, throw, go. Reach by discussing with your husband, how does he feel about trying to help. If he wants to do so, how so. If you BOTH agree on a plan you work it together with him in the leadership role in deploying the plan. You are never to discuss alone this alone with him. Not because you would allow something but to prevent him from developing feelings for you. The most dangerous thing a lifeguard can do is to go into the water alone. A drowning person is in complete panic, with the strength that comes with it. Not to be in complete control, to the point of being able to brutally subdue is dangerous to both of you. 

I would also point out if you and your husband can reach out and help him as a team to regain his self worth and life the experience will create a stronger and better marriage for you. So discuss with your husband, if he is in agreement, develop a plan and share it. 

Finally, discuss this with your parish priest. I am catholic too, but I guess technical lapsed. (shame on me). But in my hour of need the church was there for me in ways I was surprised by. I was blessed to have a good parish priest and I am sad for those who reached out and found cold indifference.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

@John A 

Thank you for your thoughts and advice. My neighbor and my family have lived next dooe to each other for 12 years. We're friendly, but not very personal. We chat over the fence or when out doing yard work, keep an eye on each others houses, occasionally DD babysits for them, that kind of thing. I think P is getting personal support from his family, L's family, and at least the friend I heard him talking to. I was thinking we'd just offer some rather general support in the form of some brownies and a nice note.

If P does decide he wants a familiar, yet uninvolved, neutral party to talk to, I'd listen and suggest counseling. For him, certainly, for them as a couple if she is willing.

I have absolutely no intention of getting as involved as a close friend or family member. Just as a reguar old human who has the appropriate level of general Christian care for another human.

My friend C married a man named D. The marriage was volatile, there was infidelity on both sides (A and RA situation) and they divorced. 30 days after the divorce was final, D took a 9mm, put it to his head, and pulled the trigger. He left behind parents, step-parents, a sister, and a very young son. My neighbor P reminds me of D in a lot of ways. Both were military, both own and are enthusiastic about firearms, very similar personalities, too. A lot of the reason I want to do something to let P know the world and the people in it don't suck is because I'd hate to see him become so depressed he makes the same tragic choice D made.


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## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

I think you should stay out of it, IMO. If you feel the need to do something, can you invite him over for for a drink, snack, watch a game, etc or something? You say he's lonely a lot, so having a friend might help him. Maybe he'd feel comfortable sharing with you.

BTW, I think you calling your dog a douche is pretty funny!


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I understand. I think your thoughts are valid. Try to help help your daughter not to take on too much as she really does not have the life experience to help and may wind up over her head. Does she have traits of a "caregiver"?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Is this the same neighbor your wife goes to and tells you you dont have to worry ?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I like brownies and I did not cheat!

My take? Stay out of it.

Why be a female KISA? What is in it for you? I will tell you what: On TAM, you read about these things, in this case, you will bump up against it in the first person. You will be a good source of good information, gleaned here. But do you need this? Why invite pain into your head? 

If he were a relative, then of course, console him, advise him.

Some people love to help others, it is in their nature. What does your husband say on the subject. Does he want to get involved?

The WW has only been home 8 days since January? This marriage has been Texas Toast for a long time. The neighbor must already have a good exit plan and an attorney on tap. He told your daughter, knowing she would relay the bad news to you. Believe this. He is too embarrassed to knock on your door and tell you. If you go over to his house to borrow something or ask about your missing dog, or invite him to some neighborhood party, he would readily open up and tell you. This was his way of letting you and your husband in on the facts.

If you like drama, run next door and ring the bell, his bell. Then stand back and watch his tears dampen his fireworks.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So MJJean, what happened with this?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

UPDATE:

L hasn't lived in the home since shortly after my last post. When school started last September, L came and took the kids (who were being minded by her parents at the time) and went back to the hotel she bought into. She and the children are now permanent residents there. She had their rooms set up, stuff moved, and they were enrolled in school in short order. Since they were already established there, the law has allowed them to remain. During school breaks L brings them to visit her family and P picks them up from there for a day or two visitation. It's BS. 

To make matters worse, P has been diagnosed with cancer in multiple organs, including the brain. Treatment can delay the inevitable, but his condition is terminal. For now he's still doing ok. He's still working and he's taken to sitting in his yard most nice evenings, reading or occasionally talking on the phone. He's getting a bit weaker, though. The total and complete ass that lives on the other side of P has been coming by to mow, weed whack, and edge P's lawn. He's also been spotted enjoying a beer on P's porch a time or two. Guess the guy isn't a total and complete ass after all.

My daughter moved out last November to live with her bf. They come to see P about once a month or so. My eldest daughter came back to visit for Christmas and also went to see P for a few hours while she was here. I chit chat with him when we happen to cross paths. He was having a rough time a few weeks ago, so I gave him my copy of a humorous dog owners tales book that has never failed to cheer me up. 

Last we talked about the marital situation, he said that there weren't divorcing because there is no point with him being terminal. 

I really feel for P and the kids. I hope L and her bf give each other multiple std's.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

That's heartbreaking.

I wish he'd divorce her anyway. 

I wouldn't want to die knowing I was married to POS.

I'll pray for your neighbor.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That poor man. I am thinking of him and sending positive vibes his way.

Would it be appropriate for you to ask him what's on his bucket list and maybe help him achieve some of it?


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

He should write letters to his children for them to read later, dated for important times in their lives. That his "wife" has chosen to injure him further by making choices that restrict his access to them now is gut-wrenching. 

I hope that her conscience troubles her and that any joy in her new life is greatly tainted by the cost she made her husband pay for it. I would wish a more than equal pain of abandonment and loneliness on her, except that she is hopefully a better mother than she is a wife.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Mizzbak said:


> He should write letters to his children for them to read later, dated for important times in their lives. That his "wife" has chosen to injure him further by making choices that restrict his access to them now is gut-wrenching.
> 
> I hope that her conscience troubles her and that any joy in her new life is greatly tainted by the cost she made her husband pay for it. I would wish a more than equal pain of abandonment and loneliness on her, except that she is hopefully a better mother than she is a wife.


If it were me I would make sure wife didn't get any of my property or be allowed to come to my funeral.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Chaparral said:


> If it were me I would make sure wife didn't get any of my property or be allowed to come to my funeral.


I'd consider divorcing, setting up a trust, and leaving everything in care of a bank, to my children. Don't let the cheating WW have it. But I'm vindictive.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

tell him you heard and direct him to TAM


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kivlor said:


> I'd consider divorcing, setting up a trust, and leaving everything in care of a bank, to my children. Don't let the cheating WW have it. But I'm vindictive.


I agree with the above. If he just lets it go, not only does his scummy WW benefit but so does the [email protected] POSOM !!! If I was him, I would make life as difficult as possible for the WW and POSOM (actually I just had some very dark thoughts to do with what I would do if I knew for sure I was dying !!!!).


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> I agree with the above. If he just lets it go, not only does his scummy WW benefit but so does the [email protected] POSOM !!! If I was him, I would make life as difficult as possible for the WW and POSOM (actually I just had some very dark thoughts to do with what I would do if I knew for sure I was dying !!!!).


We don't know half the story. He might have refused to have sex with her after the second child was conceived (5-6yrs ago) and destroyed the marriage. He's ashamed of the sexless marriage and doesn't want anyone to know about her cheating because then people will know the truth about their sham of a marriage and how he neglected her. Maybe he was abusive. She could have something on him, so he's just allowing her to have it all. Yep, some people deserved to be cheated on. Just never know...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> We don't know half the story. He might have refused to have sex with her after the second child was conceived (5-6yrs ago) and destroyed the marriage. He's ashamed of the sexless marriage and doesn't want anyone to know about her cheating because then people will know the truth about their sham of a marriage and how he neglected her. Maybe he was abusive. She could have something on him, so he's just allowing her to have it all. Yep, some people deserved to be cheated on. Just never know...


Sure -- its possible -- we can only go on what we are told here. Seems to have been a decent guy. However …. no one deserves to be cheated on. She should have divorced him before cheating - isn't that the accepted norm on this board ? One that I agree with as it stands.

The fact that he got support from all around him - her family, his family, friends, OP and OP's daughter etc tends to make me think that what you are saying is probably not the case. Hence I would "take her and the POSOM out of the equation" (whatever that may mean) before leaving for the great beyond.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> We don't know half the story. He might have refused to have sex with her after the second child was conceived (5-6yrs ago) and destroyed the marriage. He's ashamed of the sexless marriage and doesn't want anyone to know about her cheating because then people will know the truth about their sham of a marriage and how he neglected her. Maybe he was abusive. She could have something on him, so he's just allowing her to have it all. Yep, some people deserved to be cheated on. Just never know...


Huh?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Terrible end to an already sad story. Poor guy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Sorry I haven't responded in the last few days. Been away from a keyboard and I type like a toddler on my phone.

Without going into too many details, L and P don't really have any assets to split besides the house. They bought it in '03 and I believe it's still underwater. There just isn't anything to "fight" over or for.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Sorry I haven't responded in the last few days. Been away from a keyboard and I type like a toddler on my phone.
> 
> Without going into too many details, L and P don't really have any assets to split besides the house. They bought it in '03 and I believe it's still underwater. There just isn't anything to "fight" over or for.


How is this guy doing now?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MJJEAN said:


> Ok, so my next door neighbor is a great guy named P. Married to a (we all thought) lovely lady named L.
> 
> L and P were unmarried, bought the house together, and a few years later L "accidentally" got pregnant. As far as I know, P did NOT want to have kids and L basically "oopsie'd" her BC pills. They got married. They had another baby a couple years later. The kids are now 2nd grade and Kindergarten aged.
> 
> ...


You know, just be straight with him. You heard him through the bushes. 

You have been her long enough to know what he needs to do. If he wants to talk, listen. Then tell him the truth. If you think she is gone tell him to file, tell him all the "proper things to do". 

If you think there is a chance, then start there. 

You have been around long enough to know what is what. 

Just remember, he is a man. If he is being weak tell him to stop. Men usually have some different feelings than some women do, in general.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Men usually have some different feelings than some women do, in general.


What do you mean by this? What's so different about a man's feelings compared to a woman's?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BruceBanner said:


> What do you mean by this? What's so different about a man's feelings compared to a woman's?


Well what it means is this: When MJJEAN is talking to him, even with her experience with infidelity, she has to remember that Men and Women think differently SOMETIMES about infidelity. 

I am not going to answer the second question. If you have read around for any length of time, you would already know the answer. 

It is not always 100% different, there is hurt on both sides, but MOST women, and MOST men are different about how they feel about infidelity, sex, love, on and on...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

BruceBanner said:


> How is this guy doing now?





He was working, but had a car accident, damaged his back, and lost both his car and his job. He nearly lost the house, but his "wife" paid the mortgage to current to save her own skin. She has her business loans on the businesses she's bought over the last couple years. She cannot afford a foreclosure on her credit record and the house isn't worth nearly what they paid for it before the crash, so cannot be sold without them both still owing tens of thousands they cannot pay.

He was in bad shape for a while both physically and mentally. Still is to some extent. But he seems to be improving. He's going to church, talking to us neighbors more often, keeping up with his in laws and his own family, and is doing the yard work weekly again.

Last I spoke with him was a week ago when I was out mowing the lawn. He says he's thinking about getting a dog from the local shelter. I am encouraging this plan. I figure he could use the companionship and a reason to do things like clean and shop.


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