# Reactive Desire and Challenges that come with it



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Curious about how many of the higher desire partners on TAM find that their lower desire partner is one with "reactive desire" (sexual desire that comes after sex starts, versus desire that is present before sex). In my many years of struggling with sexual desire differences between my wife and I, seems one of the main components is our difference in "style". I am often interested in my mental mood proceeding the sex act or initiating. I think about sex, want the sex, then try to start sex. 

For my wife, she occasional has proactive desire, but seems most often her brain and desire seems to start once sex starts. This is very complicated for me, because it makes both initiating more complicated and causes her less motivation to initiate from her side. Often sex is just not on her mind, so any advance from my side has to not go too fast, but also not so slow or subtle that it does not cause her mind to start thinking sex. 

I feel very challenged (and would be interested in input) on how to balance not trying to get her to go from zero to 100 instantly, but also not going to slow to not capture her interest. When I try to initiate, I find that a couple things often happen:

1.I offer something that can often be a turn on for her, but I come off too abrupt (her mind in the moment may not be on sex at all, so it seems to forward). 
2. Sometimes, due to the above approach that does not always work, I start very subtle and more "hints", but often this does not spark enough interest or even sometimes she will tell me she did not even see it as an invitation for sex. 


I struggle with balancing these in an effective way, and seems the concept of reactive desire really plays into it. My wife tells me often that she enjoys sex, but just does not think about it often and does not get "horny" often, so either she initiates when it does come to mind, or I need to be the lead...but in a way that is neither too abrupt or not enticing enough. 

so...in summary and my questions to TAM group:

1. Do other HD partners see "reactive desire" in their LD partner as a contributor to some of the difficulty in the relationship?
2. Any advice on how to best balance initiative in a way that will grab her attention, but not come off and blindside her (for lack of a better term). 
(note: my wife is NOT the type that slow romantic build up all day leads her to think of sex. The balance is not too fast, but reaching some level of interest for her within the hour or so. She does not think in terms of hours down the road. I share this, only because of some past MC that tried to preach the "flirting all day" idea, and my wife was the first of us to immediately share that she could be interested in one moment, but lost the feeling a couple hours later. )


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Back in years probably 2-3, when we were in our mid-late twenties of our marriage I would say my wife fell into the reactive desire group. She enjoyed sex but it was not in the forefront of her mind most of the time. I was fine initiating so we always had a pretty active sex life and the sex has always been great and she would be pretty adventurous once she got going. She started researching the issue of hormonal imbalances and low T in women and even put a call into the office of Dr. Jenn Berman, who had a radio program focused on womens sexuality and sexual health. Dr. Berman recommended a colleague of hers she was doing some studies with and this doc was from our city. 

He had 2 recommendations, 1. told my wife to get off her birth control, she started on it in teens to help control her really bad menstrual cramps and he had found that the type of birth control she was taking could really mess with hormone balances which had in impact on desire. 2. He also gave her a testosterone cream. Within a couple of months of no BC and using the cream she noticed more spontaneous desire and found herself feeling horny more often. Her blood tests still showed lower than normal testosterone but most of her other hormones where in a normal range. At that point we found a doctor who prescribed testosterone injections. Within a month of starting the injections she was a sex crazed maniac. We had to lower the dose because she couldn't focus on things other than sex, we were having sex 2 times a day and she was masturbating fairly often as well. Sexually she became a new person, she felt sexier, acted sexier and became much more aggressive sexually. 

So what lead to her looking into this. I was curious if she really did want sex or if she could just go without. So I stopped initiating, not out of frustration or anything really just out of curiosity. Normally back then we had sex 3 times a week, once I stopped initiating she would get uncomfortable with the lack of sex after a week or so. She found she liked feeling more of a need for sex during this but didn't want to go a week at a time without sex so she started looking into getting her drive to trigger a more active desire more frequently and it went from there. We are now in our mid forties and we today have sex 4-5 times a week with us both initiating. 

So the ideal solution for you is probably a balance of you finding a sweet spot of regular flirting and smooth initiation along with your wife finding ways to increase her desire so you don't have to thread the needle so much.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

happyhusband0005 said:


> Back in years probably 2-3, when we were in our mid-late twenties of our marriage I would say my wife fell into the reactive desire group. She enjoyed sex but it was not in the forefront of her mind most of the time. I was fine initiating so we always had a pretty active sex life and the sex has always been great and she would be pretty adventurous once she got going. She started researching the issue of hormonal imbalances and low T in women and even put a call into the office of Dr. Jenn Berman, who had a radio program focused on womens sexuality and sexual health. Dr. Berman recommended a colleague of hers she was doing some studies with and this doc was from our city.
> 
> He had 2 recommendations, 1. told my wife to get off her birth control, she started on it in teens to help control her really bad menstrual cramps and he had found that the type of birth control she was taking could really mess with hormone balances which had in impact on desire. 2. He also gave her a testosterone cream. Within a couple of months of no BC and using the cream she noticed more spontaneous desire and found herself feeling horny more often. Her blood tests still showed lower than normal testosterone but most of her other hormones where in a normal range. At that point we found a doctor who prescribed testosterone injections. Within a month of starting the injections she was a sex crazed maniac. We had to lower the dose because she couldn't focus on things other than sex, we were having sex 2 times a day and she was masturbating fairly often as well. Sexually she became a new person, she felt sexier, acted sexier and became much more aggressive sexually.
> 
> ...


Interestingly, my wife did try testosterone therapy (twice actually). Once for nearly a year, then stopped for about 8 months, then tried again for 6 months. It was night and day difference. Unfortunately, she had some side effects that she was not willing to live with and stopped, now back to a very reactive desire scenario. We actually have sex a decent amount (10 or 12 times a month). The issue I am trying to work on, is better initiation. Apparently i do not do well at this, so it is often left to her, and although she does a fair amount, it sometimes seems out of just knowing it has been a couple days and not so much from a point of desire. I guess with frequency not being that bad (pretty good actually), maybe I should not complain, but I often feel she is only partially engaged and sex gets somewhat routine. Part of it seems the lack of desire to start with. When she was on T...it was VERY different. I got spoiled for those couple years. Her reaction was very similar to what you described from your wife. She was like a horny teenager. 

I feel if I could change my initiation to work better for her (and myself), things would be less mechanical and some more passion.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

Good questions. Unfortunately, I don't have much to add because I'm trying to figure out the best way to initiate with my wife. Your wife is different than mine, so what little I have learned would not help you much.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

I'm a responsive female, and I can be either low or high drive, depending on circumstances. 😌

During my single best sexual relationship, the man involved would gently guide me to where he wanted me to be. I don't remember any talking involved. He simply took my hand and physically led me to the shower, the bed, etc. Then, whatever activity he had in mind, he would make it happen. I loved it. 

The more sex I have, the more I want it, but I do prefer being the passive, receptive partner, so if a man wanted me to initiate, I'd need to know that in a very clear, direct way - during a non-sexual encounter/conversation.


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