# someone please tell me what I am doing wrong



## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

My hubby and I have been married 24 yrs today.I try my best to take the best care of him that is possible. I fix his favorite meals, make special desserts that he loves, work full time and keep the house up laundry and cooking. He works full time and takes care of the yard in the summer. 
last yr for our ann. i saved and saved and took him on a surprise 10 day trip that he didnt know he was going on. I had the trip totally paid for all myself so it didnt cost him anything.I even gave him 1,000.00 blow money for him to do with what ever way he wanted to on the trip. He gave me a card.
This yr, I took him out for supper and paid for it . Got him a gift card to his fav. store , and I got nothing. not even a card. 
I dont want to sound like I am expecting him to spend alot of money on me. but the thing is, I have never asked for anything for ann.'s birthdays, or christmas and usually dont get much for any of them but I have mentioned many many times I would love to have a love letter from him. I dont have any cause he never has written me anything more than a note to pick up milk or something with "love ya" on the end. I am afraid that some point in time, he will no longer be with me and I would love to have a love letter to read over to remember him by. Am I asking to much? I aint gonna show it to anyone else. Just something for me to have that he has written to me. he dont seem to see how this hurts my feelings. he spent the day watching tv and sleeping in the recliner. same as he usually does every day when hes home from work. 
what is the problem here? is it me ? someone please tell me what I am doing wrong.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kelly-
You don't say what the tone of you marriage is like. Are you happy with each other? Do you have nay complaints of each other, other than the lack of gifts?


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

He says he is happy and if I ever leave, he is going with me. I love this man more than anything in the world and he knows it. I fixed his fav. supper tonite for our ann. and he said " oh yea, happy ann. I aint been anywhere to get you a card" I replied " I would rather have a letter from you than a card. something you wrote that you mean, not some poem that someone else wrote and you just signed it" he made no comment. its not that I want him to spend money on me, I just want something he wrote to keep. we are getting older and with statics , women out live men and I just want something to have he wrote me. He acts like its something stupid. 
He didnt even remember it was our ann. until one of his golfing buddies stopped by and told me happy ann. he can remember plans to go play for months before they go but its like anything that involved me, he cant remember. 
since our daughter left for college, i feel like i live alone. He is in the recliner watching tv or asleep. I end up on our bed reading. If i stay in the room with him while he is watching tv and make a comment, he either ignores me or tells me to be quiet so he can hear the tv. If i try to get him to do something with me, its like he dreads it. he is sat in his ways and dont want to do anything but sit in front of the t.v. or go with his friends to play golf.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi!

Are you sure you're getting what you need to maintain a happy marriage? I have to ask because your post sounds very similar to my life and marriage only two years ago. I used to joke about how nice it was to have a "boring" life. Little did I know my marriage was unraveling. I wasn't getting what I had to have from the relationship. And therefore I wasn't giving what my husband had to have. This would be a good time for you and your husband to read a really great book, "The Five Love Languages". I believe the book will answer your question. I wish I could have read the book several years ago.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Hey 827AUG I was thinking the same thing!! Well, it sounds like you, Kellie, like tangible displays of love. Is there another way he shows love? Could it be that if he mows the lawn or pays the bills he thinks he is showing you love? Perhaps he feels that by taking care of the essentials he is showing his love for you. For you, on the other hand, that is not fulfilling. Maybe if you search the love languages you can find each other's languages and strive to show love in those ways.


At least we are on the same page! Kellie's post had many good examples of how they were showing affection to each other. On the other side Kellie is performing acts of service and giving gifts. That may or may not be her husband's love language. The book could really benefit them.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

I have no clue if he thinks mowing the yard is showing me how much he loves me. 
I will give you a little bit about our lives, 
we both work full time.
I cook,clean, sweep, mop, dust ,vaccum,do the laundry, take out the trash, do the dishes and since the garden has done well,been canning lots of fresh veggies each evening after supper. He comes home from work, eats supper , sits in the recliner and watches t.v. I ask him to help me do something and he agrees but never does it so I finally give up and do whatever I asked. Not worth the hassle of asking over and over. He mows the yard on the weekends in the summer if I didnt get it mowed on my day off if I had one. 
If I am in the store and see his fav candy, i get him some. If I find a book I know he wants, i get it for him, when we sit down to eat, his plate is fixed and ready to eat, drink ready for the meal. after we eat, he goes into the den to the recliner while I clean up, do the dishes and whatever I need to do. If I see anything that I know he is wanting or has been looking for , i get it for him. 
Him: dont help out around the house, dont buy flowers,even pick them outa our yard for me, candy, cards, anything for any holiday or birthday or ann. I buy all the gifts for christman. I save all yr and buy along so that when christmas is here, we dont go into debt. He gets a bonus at christmas , i dont. He spends his bonus on golf stuff, not christmas gifts. last yr, I did get a gift from him. he got me a charm to go on a necklace I bought myself. He found it at the pawn shop near where he works. he bought our daughter a few gifts and the rest of the christmas bonus went into golf stuff for him. 
when he gets ready for work, his cloths are ironed and hanging for him to get and put on. he never does any of these things, i wash them,iron them and hang them up. he came to bed the other nite when I had laundry all over the bed and instead of helping put it up, he pushed it off to the side so he could get in the bed.
I try talking to him but he is glued to the t.v and I have th repeat myself over and over. he pretty much ignores me unless 
he cant find something.
I know this sounds bad but I am just trying to give an idea of how our life is.
before our daughter moved out, she did alot to help around hte house . I didnt notice he dont help until I started having it all to do. 
ALl the above is not really the main issue that bothers me the most. I am just trying to give the poster who asked about our life an idea of how it is.
The main issue is all i wanted for our ann. was a love letter. would have taken all of 10 min to write. He dont have the time to do that for me. I just feel so ,,, I dont really know what the word is. maybe, like I am just here for the house up keeping and such. I dont know.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Kelli,

Your life sounds exactly like mine did until hubby moved out in the spring. Exactly!!! I was the maid! I finally reached the boiling point two years ago though. For me to feel loved, I needed quality time together and acts of service. I never got either, so I finally "blew" one night.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

I could never leave him. I love him so much!!!! I just want a little attention.


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## pigpen (May 5, 2008)

Kellie,
He wont give you attention. He takes you for granted. He might love you but you have given him no reason to complain or try.
STOP doing everything. Doing more - trying harder will not get him to love you more. 
I hate to say it - but if he is as your post seems to say, you have created a monster by never failing him. Parents spoil their children this way.
He is a grown up. He is not a boy. 
Take time for yourself. Buy yourself something nice, wrap it up and put his name on it "from me to you with all my love, you deserve the best". Open it in front of him. 
Give him a big kiss and say "thank you dear, you always know just what to get for me."
"forget" to iron his shirts. get busy on YOUR life. What would you do if he wasnt around to wait on? Figure it out and do it.
He wont fall apart without your constant attention. But he takes you for granted because you let him do so.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Kellie-
The way you tell it, you husband sounds boring. You must be a very loving woman to still appreciate him. As soon as I hear the words "golf, TV and sofa" I tend to think that the couples sex life must be at zero!



> He says he is happy and if I ever leave, he is going with me.


This is one of the more romantic things I have ever heard, assuming it is his own words. One thing that comes to mind is that you like tangible gifts of affection. He does not understand.

With me, I hate them. My wife loves them. So I buy her flowers. She knows what I like - sex!

Have you ever told him you are dissatisfied with your marriage?


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## mjr810 (Aug 24, 2008)

Hey Kellie,

Have you considered (better yet, has he considered) that he might be depressed? Depression is not the same as sadness. Rather, it is absence of feeling or emotion. I am an educated man yet I was not smart enough to admit to being slightly depressed for many years. Once treated, though, it was like I was given a new life. One caveat, if this is the case, unless he admits it no treatment or pill can help him. Good luck. I hope it is something as simple as that.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

yes, thats his own words. every time someone says anything about couples breaking up he will say that if i leave him, he is going with me. 
I have told him over and over again that I would like a little attention from him. I tell him all the time how good looking he is and how I can not figure out why he married me. and I mean ever word of it. 
I have asked him to wear some after shave I bought him but since I had a stroke and can not smell, he thinks its stupid. this may sound weird but I can taste it when he walks in the room and its the kind he wore when we were dating and it brings back lots of wonderful memories. He has put the bottle in the back of the cabinet now. 
I guess he is set in his ways and is not going to change. I love this man so much and would love to have just a little attention from him. Just to talk to him and have him listen to me so I dont have to repeat everything I say to him. Its funny, he can hear the t.v , his friends, our daughter, even the cat pitching a fit but nothing I say. Its wife deafness I guess.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

How would he react if you, after asking him to do something together (and be specific with this kind of man) announced that you are doing something with a friend that night since he's not interested. And then go do something, anything. I don't mean anything like cheating or meeting some guy for coffee, nothing like that.

But going with a girlfriend to a movie, or to a play, or even a ballgame.

When you get back tell him how much fun it was and how you wish he could share in that too.

Do this a few times, cheerfully inviting him to go with you.

If he remains noncommittal and and doesn't want to do anything, then I would look into having his mental health checked. He may be depressed.

You didn't say how old the two of you are. is it possible he has yet another health problem? Maybe diabetes?


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## brad (Jul 31, 2008)

I didnt see one mention of sex in her posts. Sure you cook his dinner all nice but do you do anything for the most important aspect of a man's life?

I doubt he's depressed. He has friends, he golfs, and he watches a lot of t.v. Typical guy.

He just has everything (not sure of the sex) laid out for him and hasnt had to do anything in return. 

I think the suggestion you get some friends and start having some fun in life might get his attention.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

brad said:


> I didnt see one mention of sex in her posts. Sure you cook his dinner all nice but do you do anything for the most important aspect of a man's life?
> 
> I doubt he's depressed. He has friends, he golfs, and he watches a lot of t.v. Typical guy.
> 
> ...


sex is great. he is 58 and I am 47. he aint safe walking past me in his undies.lol. depression isnt it. 
I have went to the movies and such with friends and hes fine with it. some times he will go with me if its something he wants to see. but if its a funny movie or a "chick flick" he aint going. 
we do some things together. this evening , we cut and split wood for this winter. Its just he dont really pay any attention to me .


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## Savetherock (Aug 27, 2008)

kellie said:


> yes, thats his own words. every time someone says anything about couples breaking up he will say that if i leave him, he is going with me.


I wouldn't leave my wife either if she took care of me like that!!! I say you take some time to spoil yourself. He is way to comfortable and complacent with his "service".


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

Well, here it is , 2 yrs after I first posted this and nothing at all has changed. I now go out with friends to the movies, no big deal to him. Sex is still great but thats the only attention I receive. At christmas, he received 8 very nice gifts. They were all under the tree for him to see how many gifts he was getting. on christmas morning, i had to work. when i got home, we opened gifts and he said the exact same thing he as said for the past 25+ yrs. " I didnt know you got me such nice things. I feel bad about what I got you" I got a pressure cooker.. Our ann. I went overboard trying to get some attention. I bought a nice pretty dress, got my hair done and everything. He came in from work and said " where are you going? No card, No flowers No nothing. I gave him a gift card to his fav. sport store and I didnt even get a happy ann. from him. I asked for a love note from him. Thats all i wanted. I got a note a few days later that said he was going to see his brother and signed it love John. That was my love note. I give up.. There is nothing I can do to get his attention. I have had a sore knee for a few weeks , needs replacement but I dont want to do that yet. Would be nice if he would rub it or at least ask about it but NOTHING!!!!!!!!!! If anyone has any ideas, I would love to know them. And before someone askes, i did leave this up for him to read and he just kinda glanced at it and walked away..


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Did you get the book 5 love languages which was suggested, and if so were you able to put any of it into practise?


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## A lot to learn (Mar 7, 2010)

I have seen relationships like this and I cannot understand why the wife still pampers a man who doesn't show any appreciation for it. I guess it is your way of feeling that you are a happy couple by taking care of him? I'll admit that I am probably too young and inexperienced to understand the workings of a mature marriage but I really feel that you should break the habit of pampering him, demand more affection, and find creative ways to make some more fun in your life!


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

well, read the book, showed him this thread and it worked for awhile.he actually TALKED to me , spent time with me and seemed to enjoy it.. Then warm weather arrived, along with his every weekend friends who show up here each and every sat afternoon and stay all evening. I have tried telling him AND the friends that we had something planned but my plans are always put on the back burner when the guys show up. and you can bet your bottom dollar they will be here EACH AND EVERY SAT.. So ,, it was nice while it lasted. I actually got to the point I looked forward to coming home from work. But not anymore...... If it wasnt for the dog and cat, I think I would just not bother coming home.


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## Haley (Apr 22, 2011)

You keep saying that you love him. Can you tell me why you love him?

This is not a sarcastic question...I really am curious.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

I guess I love the OLD him. The him that actually paid me attention, did things with me, Listened to me.. I want the OLD him back.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

You have spoiled him, made his life to cozy. When it comes to you, he is lazy, self centered, and selfish.

Stop doing all the nice things for him. Stop buying him anything. Spend your money on you. Put effort, and energy into yourself. Put yourself first.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

kellie said:


> I tell him all the time how good looking he is *and how I can not figure out why he married me*. and I mean ever word of it.


Really? ...maybe if you've told him this type of thing for years he's somehow believed it too, even if it's subconsciously. In some way maybe he thinks he doesn't need to try with you, that you are lucky to have him? (Instead of being lucky to have each other)

It sounds like you're being taken for granted and you're letting him take you for granted. Stop nagging about the romance letters (sorry to sound harsh, you sound really lovely) and start having more confidence and self-respect. Don't let yourself be walked over.


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## kellie (Sep 14, 2008)

Havent mentioned the letter in over a yr. have basically started treating him as he treats me. like he dont exist. Its sat and of course, his buddy is here and they are having a great time sitting under the trees and chatting. oh well, some things just wont ever change and I believe he is one of them. a dear friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago when she was here and watched how he ignored me, why I didnt leave him or have an affair. other people see this to. I guess i am glad they do since I used to think it was all in my head.. :scratchhead:


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## heron_inthewater (Jul 23, 2011)

I agree with what pigpen said.

I used to do a lot of what you did kellie, until finally I reached my breaking point and kept getting sick. It also starts to get to the point where you are becoming a MOTHER, and not a wife. A mother attempts to cater to every whim of her child, but a wife should not. A wife should cater to making the marriage WORK and making sure both people remain adults and are treated as adults.

I stopped doing a lot of things for my husband, and I stopped beating myself over it too when I realized that HE can do it for himself if he doesn't have the decency to say thank you at least. 

Unfortunately this is the way life is probably going to be-- with him neglecting your needs and just going out and doing his own thing because he can. I am not saying this to be mean, but the sooner you accept that this is a part of him you can't change, and only he can, the burden gets taken off you and placed back onto him.

I would use this time to go out and every now and then, indulge in the things that make YOU happy. What are your interests? Are there activities you've always wanted to try? When was the last time you had a all-girl's night together? Maybe when you are around less he will start realizing that and actually give you attention.


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