# In serious need of advice...



## Red77 (Mar 1, 2012)

I came across this site today, and this is my first time posting so please be gentle! LOL

A bit of history:
My husband has a 10 year old daughter with The Ex (they divorced when she was 1). He and I have been together for over 6 years, and have my step-daughter 50% of the time (she’s awesome by the way ) and even though it’s 50-50, my husband still pays about $800 per month in Child Support, as well as paying for all of her extra-curricular activities (soccer, softball, piano). The Ex has another child from another man that she’s no longer with, but that child’s father does not pay 1 cent in child support, so the amount my husband is paying is basically going to support her other kid too! On the divorce paperwork, The Ex made sure to state that she would go back to her maiden last name; however she didn’t change her name until January of 2012 (again, they divorced in 2002 – 10 years ago!).

The relationship The Ex has with my step-daughter is more of a “friend” relationship than a mother/daughter relationship. Apparently this is how The Ex’s mother raised her, so she’s following suit. She exposes my step-daughter to inappropriate subject matter (movies, music, etc). My husband is aware of this, and agrees that she should not be exposing their daughter to these things; however he has flat out refused to address it with her because, and I quote, “If she tried to tell me how to parent, I would be pissed!” I told him that he has an obligation to his child to ensure that she’s not exposed to things that could be detrimental; and that they are her parents and should be able to communicate as to how they want their child to be raised. Still he refused, and has never brought this up with her.

So apparently the ex changed her name in January, however she has not updated it with the Soccer or Softball League that my step-daughter plays in, so when the contact sheets for the girls went out this week it still showed her with her married last name, right by my husband so it looks like they’re still married. She’s also kept her married last name in her email address, so I have to see that anytime she emails. _I know I probably sound completely petty, but this absolutely drives me BONKERS!!!_ I think the reason I am so annoyed about it is that I asked my husband on 9/1/10 to talk to her about changing her name – HE NEVER DID. I asked him several times over the course of the last year and a half, and he would never address it with her. Thankfully she figured out on her own that she should change her name since he and I are married; but again, he never brought it up to her even after me asking for a year and a half! 

I flipped out on him last night after I got an email from her still showing her married name. I told him how infuriating it is that he will not ever address issues with her – even when he says he will (there have been more things than just these 2, I assure you I just don’t have time to write the novel). I told him how much it hurts to know that he won’t stand up for me with her. I mean he doesn’t have to be confrontational about it, he just needs to ask her to update her information since her name is changed. How hard is that? It’s not my fault that she cheated on my husband, and then cheated on the other guy she had a kid with! She made her bed, so she should lie in it…even if that means having 2 children with 2 different last names than her. 

My frustration with the situation really stems from his refusal to address things with her, and I’m not sure how to let it go…

Any advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I'm not defending the ex-wife - but I've been using the same e-mail address for 15 yrs, I have no idea how easy it is to change - but if its the same one she's used for a long time, its probably a big pain in the butt to get a whole new address and move over all the contacts, saved e-mails etc and just to appease your ex-husband's new wife? I'm sorry, that comes across as petty to me - I don't want to minimize your feelings, I'm sure the email address is just a symbol of the other issues, but still.

As for your husband, I can understand why he wouldn't want to talk with her about issues. They got divorced for a reason - cause they couldn't handle issues. Not that I want to - but if I divorced my wife, the last thing Id want to do is continue arguing about things - thats why we got divorced. 

I agree he should stand up for you and should DEFINITELY argue about raising their daughter, but I've always been a big believer of picking your battles. 

Maybe I'm not understanding your post to the fullest, sorry.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom kept my dad's name after divorce because it was my last name too and...I didn't want my mom to have a different last name.

It's just a name. It's no longer her 'married' name, but it's her child's name. And that's important.

Seriously, it's a name.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Funny thing too...when my mom remarried, she had a new married name, then they divorced after 10 years and she went back to my last name 

My dad and she never talked ...I think they met again after 18 years at my college graduation! 

She's still baring my dad's last name. He's dead, I'm married, but...it's just her name. She earned it. She was married to him first (he was married afterwards...twice)...and his ex wives have his name too.  I like it. It's my maiden name.


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

You are angry beause you can't control another persons actions (ex). I would recommend that you concern yourself with what you can change. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with you stating that you think it is inappropriate of her to do that but choose to focus on creating a wonderfull home for you and your family. Remind yourself that if the (ex) wants to act like a friend that eventually your kids will treat her the same as they do their friends. (have you seen how kids treat their friends these days). I can tell yoiu that it doesn't compare to how the children respond to a parent who they want to be proud of them. Children need a mentor. Someone to look up to. Be that person and don't degrade others or the children will begin to do the same.


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## FrogLover (Mar 9, 2012)

Being a stepmother myself since the child was 4 and he is now almost 20, I can relate to your frustrations with an exwife oh so much. My best advice is to leave it alone and suck it up. It is best to not allow your husbands past to interfere with your present. He has his reasons for not being confrontational with her and it is working for him. You being unhappy with him doesn't help you out. It will all pass over you after 8 more years. The child support, the name (I actually get mail after all of these years for my dh's ex wife with his last name with hers), and the parenting issues. Even if she doesn't parent the way you do, it will be okay. You just enjoy her when she is with you and be a good role model like you already are.

I know it's a long time to wait. I used to lay awake and chant the number of years left to deal with the conflict (we were in and out of court, there were issues of child support and of neglect and poor parenting). 

I wish you the best, I only want you to be at peace and to build your relationship with the man you love, not create resentment.


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## IndyAnna (Mar 12, 2012)

I agree. It's just a name. I was divorced from my childrens' father for 11 years before I remarried and had kept his name the whole time, not because I was fond of him, but because it was important for my kids to have the same last name. I did change my name when I remarried, but even as teenagers, my kids had a hard time with that as they just wanted my name to be the same as theirs.

I understand your frustration, but think it's a rather silly thing to get so tipped over about. If you think that the basis of the name is because of unresolved feelings, that's a bigger issue that would still be around regardless of what anyone's last name is....really.

As for him not addressing the issues with her, it's just because men are wired differently. Women interpret that as "he must have feelings for her and not care about my feelings" Men interpret that as "it's just not that important to me to worry about" Trust me, it's better for men to be apathetic about the ex than hatred....hatred is a strong emotion that's just a fine line from love. They only hate because it stirs up emotion and hurt...if they're still hurting, that's scary. If they just don't care, it means they're likely just over the whole thing.

Concentrate of making sure your husband is proud that YOU have his last name NOW and that's all you have to worry about.

I wish you peace in your frustrations. Try not to worry about it. Ex's will always wreak havoc, so it's something we have to deal with. If not for your own peace of mind, then for the kids.

Best Regards


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