# We Didn't Make It



## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

I was optimistic. I believed. I was wrong.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I'm sorry about your situation. When you find the time, please edit your post and provide cliff-notes of your story. It's not a good idea to start threads this way.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Okay I went and read your back story (I'm a nice person)

Did he cheat again or you just couldn't get past his cheating? Last time you posted you two were in a good place. What happened?


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I also went back and read some of your other posts. I've been through a similar thing, but it took a lot longer to fail, and he cheated again. We did stay together for 13 years or so after first cheat. (Or second, since there were two at the same time more or less.) I thought we finally had gotten through the worst of it and had settled into life committed to the end. Wrong. I forgave and could understand the first time because of the situation, moving, being young when we got together, living apart during the week due to work, etc. This time I'm done. There is absolutely NO conceivable excuse or justification for stepping out again (and now I'm not even sure he hasn't fooled around with others too… but he just fell for this one?). It's now been one year since I learned of OW, and I honestly have spent less time crying over this than over a sad movie. I quickly recovered from this second bomb that was dropped and decided I have a life to LIVE and it's going to be all on my own terms now. The sooner anyone can come to that conclusion, the quicker things will get much better. For me, the best part was after the first cheat and reconciliation I was always still worried and always wondering if he'd do it again. Once it did happen, then NO more worrying about it. I didn't even care for a while there if I'd be starting at rock bottom again. I didn't realize how great the emotional toll from the first cheat was until after knowing that's it's really over now. I feel stupid in many ways for even having tried for R and not being better prepared, but then I had two little kids and some health scares that came up too. Now I"m looking forward to a new life. 

I hope you can do the same too.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Sorry. I didn't mean to be dramatic. I had intended to type more but WH came back home. 

No, he did not cheat again. I don't know how I feel today. Its a mixture of what I felt last night, when he drove away in usual fashion for an hour or two and says that he is done and can't "do it" anymore.

Cliff notes - 3 years ago, WH began a 5 month online/person affair. There were 4 D-days and I later found out that for a year and a half later he was still looking her up. Not contacting her, but in his words "out of hatred. Not wanting her to have a happy life after what she did to his. Thinking of ways to get revenge". Reality is he was consumed but he didn't see it that way.

So when I found out, it felt like the rock bottom under rock bottom. My heart had died once again. So major blowout, and that is when I feel we truly began true R, just less than a year ago.

Its been a bumpy year, but then it was bound to be. I kept my head up and pushed on, knowing that time would tell and hurt would fade. It had, for me. I still have triggers now and again, but not often. He is consumed with self loathing and thinks everything wrong in our lives has to do with his affair and I will never be able to see any good in him because he ruined us. 

He is remorseful, I have no doubt...but, he just can't get out of his own way and it is still very much about him. More importantly, he is still unable to help me cope with a trigger. He has said it kills him inside, brings everything back up regarding how he messed up, how he wronged me and the pain he caused, and he is unable to put that aside, his own feelings, to help me with mine. He has said that I am stronger than him.

The curtain call last night was much of the same. I was fed up with his lack of ability to say "hey, I understand why you asked that" instead of "you don't trust me, or you say you are over it but you are not, or so you still think I'm going to cheat, or I'm a dirt bag. I caused this", and then go into his own self preservation mode.

I have no doubt he won't stray again. I have no doubt that wouldn't give his right arm to change the past, but his demons are and have been the third party in our marriage ever since DD4.

I finally got fed up and said just about everything I have been holding back (you know those little things that you wished you had said in the very beginning but once you start R you know that its not a battle to pick and will serve no purpose other than to stir the pot)? He did not take it well. Said this was it. He considered himself divorced and that was that. Of course I was angry, hurt, and frustrated. I asked him several times if that is what he wanted and he said yes. Oddly enough, I don't think I cried for more than a minute. I was consumed with anger and then thought maybe it should be it. I didn't want it to end. We had been doing good the last year, but something snapped for both of us. 

Thus began the text war and I said OK then. We start getting the house ready to sell, start listing other items for sale and be proactive. I was met with a big "F YOU." 

I'm not perfect. Throughout we have both brought up divorce. Me mostly telling him to just divorce me then or him saying he can't do it anymore then taking off for a couple of hours and drowning in beer when he got home. When I finally agreed to it this time, no surprise...his anger, threat of leaving and him hating me even more erupted. 

I ended the early morning saying that I and our family are worth getting help, but if he didn't feel it, his loss. I then told him that as a friend telling him, not his wife, he needed to get some help. Him thinking that every current disagreement in our marriage or problem was because of the affair was wrong. Him thinking that the world was out to get him is messed up. I told him that no one thinks so lowly of himself as he does, that he is his own worst enemy and that he needed to google for something to help him climb out of his dark pit and that his self hate was doing him no good.

Fast forward this morning and he apologized profusely, burning up my phone. The only thing different was that this time, he acknowledged that I have been right this whole time and he has been wrong in that just doing the right thing has not been enough and that I deserved a hell of a lot more respect than what he has failed to give me. Fast forward to later today and he said he will go to counseling and is going to fix things, first by stopping all drinking. 

So what now? I don't know. With this new statement, do I see it as a sign of "now he finally got that part" and let time tell? Is it all lip service? I really have zero tolerance for BS these days. I chose to stay after his affair. I chose to work through it. I know I am not obligated. I don't feel that. I do consider our children and I do consider the possibility that maybe me ready to sign the papers this time, actually ready, was the 2X4 that has been needed for each small step to get us to this point. It has been a chore for me. I'm tired.

I need something grand. I need a sign that he gets it. I need this to be it. I will not threaten him with a time table. I will not threaten him with divorce. I will soak it in and wait. How long I'm not sure. I waited almost 3 years. What is another couple of months? I know that I am in a good enough head space to cut the cord if need be. I don't want to. I want my marriage and my family, but I won't be threatened. This is it. When your kids start to notice things more, you have less leeway to work with and something decisive must be done. 

I don't know if I move this thread or not. I don't know what the outcome will be. I just want to be happy. I want our family. I want him to step up and get it right. 

I am not sure what set the last few days off like it did. It's a trigger month, not really bothering me but could very well him. We haven't had a date night since summer. We've been so busy with work, school, activities, flu, colds, etc. Basically life. Have we nurtured us lately, no. That is a problem and we are both to blame, but using the divorce card and driving off and then chalking it up to being mad - that doesn't work. Not accepting that his affair has caused some permanent ripples such as triggers and then not handling them like a remorseful adult who cherishes the wife who never wavered...shameful. 

It's a lot to take in and I am looking at everything. He gets help, we get help, or it won't work. He has refused any help up until this point which is why I'm sure he is still so mucked up. Let's see if he means it this time and takes the needed step to prove we are worth it.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

You have a good and clear summary and sound like you have an idea of where it's going and what to do. Bravo! I'm willing to bet that he finally saw his tantrums have pushed you to the end. He maybe noticed a difference in you that wasn't there before. Maybe that resignation of just being done with it and calling it quits. Maybe he never believed you would, or when he was faced that it was a very real possibility, it scared him. I take what you've told as a sign that he does want to stay. But I also think you both need to be able to really be able to talk and understand each other's needs. Counseling if he agrees to it might help. We never really talked much. I had trust issues but he felt like that he was back, so I should be ok with it. I could never make him understand that I still needed the reassurance and needed him to take the time to be doing things with me. It just didn't work out. We didn't spend enough time healing, but tried to go like life was the usual as if nothing happened. I never healed. Now I'm happy it's over. I wish we had done things differently to really fix it all, but we didn't.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

Looks like you are really trying hard. Best of luck make his actions match his words!!


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

SawbladeLily said:


> You have a good and clear summary and sound like you have an idea of where it's going and what to do. Bravo! I'm willing to bet that he finally saw his tantrums have pushed you to the end. He maybe noticed a difference in you that wasn't there before. Maybe that resignation of just being done with it and calling it quits. Maybe he never believed you would, or when he was faced that it was a very real possibility, it scared him. I take what you've told as a sign that he does want to stay. But I also think you both need to be able to really be able to talk and understand each other's needs. Counseling if he agrees to it might help. We never really talked much. I had trust issues but he felt like that he was back, so I should be ok with it. I could never make him understand that I still needed the reassurance and needed him to take the time to be doing things with me. It just didn't work out. We didn't spend enough time healing, but tried to go like life was the usual as if nothing happened. I never healed. Now I'm happy it's over. I wish we had done things differently to really fix it all, but we didn't.


SBL (love your name - 2 things you mentioned are 2 things I have struggled with also. 1 - Still needing reassurance. I never considered myself needy and still don't, but as a BS, no matter how strong we are, we do fall prey to that neediness of validation, worthiness, attractiveness and desire. We need to be reminded of these things, not because we in our hearts may not feel them about ourselves, but because for a time our waywards felt none of that which accompanied their straying behavior. Maybe its not even that we need it so much for us, but to feel that they are not disconnected from us which led to the affair in the first place. Maybe its a safety net and reassurance that they have no desire to go elsewhere.

2 - Didn't spend enough time healing and went on with life as usual. We did exactly this. It was not my choice. I wanted to jump right into the healing from the minute he dropped the bomb. Of course he was still jacked up for another 4 months after going back and forth behind my back and then continued his mission to seek revenge, when in essence, all it ever did was keep the affair in his daily thoughts and took away his ability to shift his focus to healing me and us. I believe that he is as damaged as he is now because he did that, dragged it out and made anger instead of healing the priority.

So without the healing and his mind focused on the negative, he didn't start to heal and I felt it. So what was I to do? Continue business as usual and hope that the healing caught up. That's not to say that we didn't make strides during that time. We did, and there were some great personal and family moments in there, but there should have been many more and I should not be typing this today.

Besides his lack of ability/willingness to accept my triggers and embrace them as a moment where he can step up and help me heal, my main complaint has been communication. Its not like I don't know what happened, how it happened or all the garbage that comes with it. I accepted all that. I can actually talk freely about it if I choose without much emotion. I don't feel a need to anymore, but I do feel the need to communicate triggers, when one of us is bothered and when it may make us feel moody, hurt or short on patience. It's only fair to communicate to the other why we are acting a certain way so that the other is not wondering or on eggshells. Open and honest communication = healing. I have been very accepting and tolerant of his emotions from the very beginning. Now its time he learns to manage them properly in a productive way. 

I will carry on life as usual, but my expectations are high and I am paying very close attention to detail. Lemonade from all of this, is I have learned some interesting human behavior and have a large book of knowledge of all the things that can, will and will continue to go wrong before, in and after an affair. I hope that one day I can help someone in their journey. For now, I'll make note of this last leg of my post affair journey and chalk it up to life experience.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

LookingForTheSun said:


> SBL (love your name - 2 things you mentioned are 2 things I have struggled with also. 1 - Still needing reassurance. I never considered myself needy and still don't, but as a BS, no matter how strong we are, we do fall prey to that neediness of validation, worthiness, attractiveness and desire. We need to be reminded of these things, not because we in our hearts may not feel them about ourselves, but because for a time our waywards felt none of that which accompanied their straying behavior. Maybe its not even that we need it so much for us, but to feel that they are not disconnected from us which led to the affair in the first place. Maybe its a safety net and reassurance that they have no desire to go elsewhere.
> 
> 2 - Didn't spend enough time healing and went on with life as usual. We did exactly this. It was not my choice. I wanted to jump right into the healing from the minute he dropped the bomb. Of course he was still jacked up for another 4 months after going back and forth behind my back and then continued his mission to seek revenge, when in essence, all it ever did was keep the affair in his daily thoughts and took away his ability to shift his focus to healing me and us. I believe that he is as damaged as he is now because he did that, dragged it out and made anger instead of healing the priority.
> 
> ...


Yo

What does he have to heal from?? He betrayed you if I understand it correctly - you didn't cheat on him. Your expectations should be high. Do not let him BS you. Sorry if I am misunderstanding things.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

LFTS, you sound a LOT like me. The lack of communication and healing. The lack of acknowledging the triggers. It all sounds like what I went through. In hindsight, I believe I should have demanded more counseling of some sort. I also have/had no problem talking very unemotionally about the situation(s), but he just can't talk. He told me he would even rehearse conversations in his head to have with me. I also once found some journaling he had done which was very informative to me about he was feeling with things. To this day, he has not been able to say much of anything to me that is of substance about emotions. The best communication we now have is via email. We both felt ok and did things together for a while, but then we slipped back into old habits. Mainly because he started traveling for work again and I did NOT trust him. And here I am today, separated and him building a new life with a new woman. But it really just feels like validation of my distrust rather than a betrayal again. He was already a betrayer. 
Such a tough mix of emotions. I still have days where I feel like if he came back and I felt he had an epiphany and was truly remorseful, I might try again, and then I had other days I could care less if he even is still breathing or not. It sucks. One thing I definitely have noticed now though, whenever I'm really stressed or upset about something, I no longer reach out for him as the first person to go to for support. The day I realized that I hadn't even thought to send him a message that something upsetting had happened, was a breakthrough for me. 

Agreed we are gaining boatloads of impressions and knowledge of human behavior. If you can sit back and take a look from an analytical standpoint, it really does get quite interesting.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

This is typical progression. He pushed you and sees you are not going to beg him, etc. So now he's allegedly sees and understands.

No, he doesn't.

He is just saying what he needs to say at this moment to dig himself out.

People like him are married to their shame and not their spouse. It will always come down to you or them and they will always choose themselves when stressed.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Looking,

You have selected a terrific screen name.

Your depiction below is excellent. 

Let me summarize:
1. You trigger and feel anxious. You express that wanting reassurance. 
2. He feels guilt (that's about him) and remorse (that's about you). Sadly, a selfish spouse will focus on the guilt and blame YOU for making them feel bad. A selfless spouse will focus on the remorse, and act on that by reassuring YOU. 






LookingForTheSun said:


> Sorry. I didn't mean to be dramatic. I had intended to type more but WH came back home.
> 
> No, he did not cheat again. I don't know how I feel today. Its a mixture of what I felt last night, when he drove away in usual fashion for an hour or two and says that he is done and can't "do it" anymore.
> 
> ...


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