# Choosing kid's partener



## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

As a parent, do you think you could make a better choice of life partener than they could?
My 18 yo daughter has this idea that if we chose her a boyfriend, he would be old, fat & ugly. Nothing could be further from the truth. At the moment this daughter is going out with a school drop out, unemployed, 20 year old loser with no ambition. Great choice! (We don't tell her anymore how we feel about him because it makes her defensive of the boy). 

Or.. would you let your parents choose someone for you to date? My mother actually introduced my husband & I when I was my daughter's age because I told her I was lonely. We clicked from the start


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> Or.. would you let your parents choose someone for you to date?


Not in a million billion years.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My mom doesn't value sexuality. I knwo this from conversations and her own life (hasn't had sex since divorce 1988) She values Christianity.

I could only imagine the person she would have chosen for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Hard to tell now, but with parent's wisdom and experience I'm sure we could do a much better job of choosing our children's mates then they could. But part of becoming wise and experienced means letting them choose for themself and learning from the mistakes along the way. The process is as important as the result.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I sometimes wish my oldest daughter was a little pickier when it came to choosing her husband, but I also wish that Pluto didn't get demoted from planet status. Amounts to about the same thing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you'd asked me this when my kids were 2, 4 and 6 I would have said of COURSE I would do a better job of choosing their mate. Now that they're 18, 20 and 22, I say NO way.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

GTdad said:


> I sometimes wish my oldest daughter was a little pickier when it came to choosing her husband, but I also wish that Pluto didn't get demoted from planet status. Amounts to about the same thing.


I want to be clearer as to what I meant. Trust me that my daughter's marriage causes me considerably more angst than Pluto, but I recognize that other than being there for her, her choices, including her choice of mates in the first place, are entirely out of my hands.

I like to imagine I could have done a better job picking a man for her, but I wonder if that's really true. We are all so individual in terms of attraction and wants and needs that when it really comes down to it, I can't fatham making that choice for her. Despite fleeting thoughts to the contrary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

In countries where marriages are arranged, they don't go by looks so much as they go by traits and characteristics. People "learn" to love their mates.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

that_girl said:


> In countries where marriages are arranged, they don't go by looks so much as they go by traits and characteristics. People "learn" to love their mates.


Sometimes they do. And sometimes they conduct discreet, decades-long affairs.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Sometimes they do. And sometimes they conduct discreet, decades-long affairs.


yes. But what I meant was that the attraction isn't usually there right away. Parents choose based on work ethic, security, good character, etc. 

I would have NO clue in who to choose for my daughter. lol. I know my mom would have chosen a white guy too.  LOL! I like brown boys.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Bellavista said:


> Or.. would you let your parents choose someone for you to date?


No way in hell.
Nor would I be so presumptuous as to attempt to do so for my kids.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I don't have kids, but I guarentee that my mother wouldn't have picked a better mate for me. I'm sure the girl she picked would have been nice, and pretty and a typical girly girly.

I've always gone for the tom boy type thou.


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## seesah (Apr 26, 2012)

My parents never tried to intervene in my relationships. They were supportive when I kept choosing the wrong ones and kept going back to them but they never told me I shouldn't be with that person. That support eventually led me to choose a healthy relationship. I learned from the mistakes I made. 

Your daughter is 18, she is an adult now and will do what she wants to do regardless of what you think. She's already made that clear to you. Don't bash her boyfriend because she will get defensive and it will distance her from you. Be supportive of her choices, as long as they're not illegal or otherwise detrimental to her life or health. Trust that you raised her with the right values to make the right choices.

To answer your question: I think that even if I asked my parents to choose someone for me, they wouldn't have.


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

I just find it funny that my daughter thinks I would pair her up with a replica of her father. She seems to think that because her father is in his 40's (now), balding & carrying a little weight that that is the type I would choose. No thinking that he was not that way when we married 24 years ago!


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

tacoma said:


> No way in hell.
> Nor would I be so presumptuous as to attempt to do so for my kids.


That.
No freaking way. And I wouldn't of liked it if my parents tried to do that with my adult self. NOPE.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know exactly who my dad would have fixed me up with.

BLECCCHHHH.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

My response... No I would never choose my kid's life partner, bfs, ect. In my opinion.. all I can do is teach them good values and morals but ultimately.. I would let them make their own mistakes and learn lessons about love through their own experiences.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Especially if they are 18... they are out of the nest then and on their own... I will wish them good luck though and be there for them when they need me.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

No way, not a chance. When I first chose to marry my husband, my mom was very upset. She tried to get my best friend at the time, who happened to be male, to say he wanted me to stay, because he wanted to go out with me. She was THAT desperate! He told me about it, and I confronted her. I told her that she can't do that, she can't choose who I marry, etc. He's not perfect, but he is perfect for me. 

Now, I can honestly say, I wouldn't think of picking my children's boyfriends/girlfriends. I will guide them, of course. But the choice, ultimately, is theirs.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

of course we could pick better partners for our kids than they can . we have the benefit of experience , analytical thinking , and no boy using every bit of charm , flattery , cuteness , and lies in his arsenal . we also do not have teen hormones . 

our parents could have made better choices for us as well . 

we all have to live our own lives , and make our own choices , and our own mistakes . your daughter included . you do not have to accept her wrong choices or decisions , but as a parent it is your job to tell her when you think she is making a mistake , doing wrong , or taking the hard road , and how to fix these problems . then it is your job to let her make her mistakes , do the wrong things , and take that hard road . then be there for her after .


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you asked this question on a South Asian message board, the responses would be vastly different.

My mother has tried to pick partners for me and one of my brothers. She chose these morons based on the fact that they had the same cultural background. My brother actually dated the chosen woman and they had a one-sided, emotionally abusive relationship for about three years. I refused to date the man she chose for me because I did not want to be a stepmother and he just wanted to find someone to help him with immigration. No thanks!


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## oubliette (Jun 24, 2012)

This thread reminds me of a story my dad tells - when he was a kid, his dad would make comments that it "would be okay if you grew up and married Jenny." Jenny was his second cousin. Weird.

I know that there are cultures that do not value romantic love. I sometimes think we value it TOO much here. But I couldn't begin to try and contemplate what would make my daughter happy for the rest of her life.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

Bellavista said:


> As a parent, do you think you could make a better choice of life partener than they could?
> My 18 yo daughter has this idea that if we chose her a boyfriend, he would be old, fat & ugly. Nothing could be further from the truth. At the moment this daughter is going out with a school drop out, unemployed, 20 year old loser with no ambition. Great choice! (We don't tell her anymore how we feel about him because it makes her defensive of the boy).
> 
> Or.. would you let your parents choose someone for you to date? My mother actually introduced my husband & I when I was my daughter's age because I told her I was lonely. We clicked from the start


No, I wouldn't chose my son's girlfriends/wives. I can't possibly put myself into their minds or hearts or bodies, and chose a partner who I know they will love and stay with. 

It's one thing to give your opinion - and if you can do this in a non-judgemental manner i.e. NOT saying "he's a loser with no ambition" then by all means do so. You could do this by helping your daughter to picture her future i.e. if she's going to college, is she going in your town, or is she going out of town, and either way, what role does she see her bf having in her life, and in her future career, and what is his career plan? There is nothing wrong with saying any of this, and it would be remiss to not talk to her in these terms. But for choosing? No. That doesn't work imo.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

The reason why parents are more qualified to choose is due to experience and past mistakes. Only youngsters need to have those experiences too. Or they'll never grow up.


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