# Confused - Am I responsible for any of this?



## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Hello, 

I'm going through a bad breakup with my partner of 6 years. We lived in my house and I kicked her out because I could take no more of her abuse. I'm not sure right now and may have overreacted kicking her out.

I'm 44 and she's 42, both divorced with no kids and living together for 5 years. It all started going downhill when she started studying to become a therapist at 40, quit her previous work and career (although when she did have work she contributed little to the household) and was put on antidepressants.

She had an old boyfriend (20 years ago, he is Jewish and his family never accepted her so they broke up), but she never seemed to get over him. She constantly mentioned him and stories about him. This guy was married to a Jewish woman and had 3 kids, but it seemed they never lost contact. 

One day three years ago she confessed she is extremely sad and had cried for days alone because the guy died and that she was afraid to tell me because she didn't know how I would react. 

I did tell her I was sorry, but that I didn't understand she was so upset and depressed as their relationship ended so many years ago. She even went to his funeral wearing a disguise making a fool of herself and just took things to far. She neglected our relationship and was generally depressed, so she was put on an antidepressant and our sex life deteriorated massively. She never understood how her mourning made me feel she was not in love with me and blamed me for not understanding her. Years went by and the sex never returned to normal. 

She then started studying to be a therapist and having school bills and quit her job to study full time (she's a brilliant student BTW). I started footing all the household bills and moved to a new and more expensive house and she just kept running up all the bills not showing any kind of thought for my finances. I just felt overwhelmed and she just wanted to keep studying and not really looking for work.

Long story short, she was basically just laying around the house all day but very busy when it came to studying and going out with her female friends. She rarely was with me and just fought when I got home. This kept growing until last Saturday I caught her lying when she told me she would stay at home studying or maybe go out and have lunch with her mom. Her mom called and said she was out of town, and I confronted my girlfriend and she said she really had plans to have lunch with a recently divorced female friend of hers and showed me the texts to prove it (I didn't ask to see her phone). 

As I was talking to her and getting ready for work, she got a message and suddenly covered her screen. I asked her to show me who was texting, but she was highly protective of her phone and told me she didn't owe me an explanation. I just went to work and forgot about it.

At night she came home excited and told me she was sleeping over at her friend's house and said I could call her all the time I wanted to check she was there. I told her I was not OK with that but that I would not stop her, so she took some clothes and left. She called and texted during the night but I didn't care to answer.

Next day she came home and started making trouble over how I didn't call or text back and interrogating me where I was all night (I was home all night BTW). I told her I left her alone last night and that she shouldn't be asking me where I was. she became verbally abusive and I just snapped.

I couldn't take it anymore and confronted her about her being so protective of her phone and that she should leave if she didn't come clean about it. She got extremely nervous and said she would leave the next day and pick her things up during the following weeks. She told me I was paranoid and delusional and should seek help or be institutionalized.

I told her she could not stay not even on the couch and she should leave immediately. During the argument, she kept stepping out to text and call someone. She finally grabbed some clothes and left for good.

She is now staying at her mother's and calls and texts angrily saying I'm acting crazy and hates me for kicking her out of the house, has no place to go and no intentions to come back to me. Said she didn't show me her phone that day because she was hiding that she was recording our whole argument and sending it to her friends.

She picked almost all of her clothes in the following days and leaves angry messages saying I treated her like a ho.

Did I do something wrong?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No, you did nothing wrong. 

You told her that you were not ok with the way things were. She ignored your needs. It's completely reasonable to end a relationship with someone who was acting they way she did.

She has a place to stay, with her mother. She can find a job now and get a place of her own.

Have you told her to stop harassing's you?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Urisamanana said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm going through a bad breakup with my partner of 6 years. We lived in my house and I kicked her out because I could take no more of her abuse. I'm not sure right now and may have overreacted kicking her out.
> 
> ...


In my mind you did for putting up with all her crap for years.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

The upshot is you have done the hardest thing letting her go, now you just have to stop being codependent by her manipulation. You been drugged around so long you don't know how to be a normal person.

Just block her because she'll rewrite your relationship to who will ever listen to her.

Take a deep breath, and be confident that it will happen no more. Start a new day when you wake indulge yourself buy something nice and enjoy the moment you will have plenty more to come. Learn to enjoy yourself alot and life will take care of it's self. Do not have thoughts of regret or what ifs. 

Stand courageous and meaningful to those who appreciate you for you. It's ok to grab glory now and again. Don't be a stranger and when you do get it or working towards it stay and help others who have little belief in themselves. 


Congratulations----- Urisamanana you passed the test.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

The lady doth protest too much, methinks....Hamlet 

her actions are those of some who is deceptive and mask her deceit by blame-shifting you for having the problem....the other posters are absolutely correct, you took a stand and you demonstrated that you will not be subjected to lies and abuse...i say good ridden, she is bad news and a bad person....clearly another example that proves my hypothesis that those who go into psychology, therapy or couseling do so to try to fix themselves first....she may be a brilliant student but a sucky patient/therapist.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Urisamanana said:


> Did I do something wrong?


Yes, you tolerated this for far too long.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

No, you did nothing wrong. 

While I am not sure anyone has come right out and said it... The odd stay, based on behavior you described, that she is currently cheating on you with someone. 

Further, she was cheating on you with the old Jewish BF, at least emotionally, but you can bet if they had proximity then they were screwing. 

You handled this perfectly, in the end. There were lots of red flags for a while that should have alerted you earlier but once you figured it out you did well. 

And just because she may have mental issues she still knew what he was doing and that was using you the whole time....

GHOST HER and move on...


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Her therapist career was hell for me. I was constantly diagnosed with different mental illnesses: her last diagnosis was paranoia with psychotic outbreak losing touch with reality because I was not OK with her protecting her phone an sleeping over at her friend's.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> Her therapist career was hell for me. I was constantly diagnosed with different mental illnesses: her last diagnosis was paranoia with psychotic outbreak losing touch with reality because I was not OK with her protecting her phone an sleeping over at her friend's.


Getting a diagnosis of your behavior is out of control IMO. You did the correct thing with separating. It is obvious she is up to something.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> Her therapist career was hell for me. I was constantly diagnosed with different mental illnesses: her last diagnosis was paranoia with psychotic outbreak losing touch with reality because I was not OK with her protecting her phone an sleeping over at her friend's.


Talk about projecting. Wow. Thankfully you are free of that now.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Congratulations on having a pair and not putting up with the crap. Your life will be better for it.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Congratulations on having a pair and not putting up with the crap. Your life will be better for it.


Funny thing is she had been threatening to leave for years but never got to it. Before kicking her out I was thinking about telling her she should get her own place


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Urisamanana said:


> Her therapist career was hell for me. I was constantly diagnosed with different mental illnesses: her last diagnosis was paranoia with psychotic outbreak losing touch with reality because I was not OK with her protecting her phone an sleeping over at her friend's.



Sadly you can't fix stupid...she will never evolve


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Urisamanana said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm going through a bad breakup with my partner of 6 years. We lived in my house and I kicked her out because I could take no more of her abuse. I'm not sure right now and may have overreacted kicking her out.


It is normal to have such second, third etc thoughts; it's the way men are wired (less compartmentalisation). Evolution wise it's great for the species, you just keep get used and abused, especially by your mate or leaders, nut really sucks for the man (but they're replaceable as entities and disposable)


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'm going through a bad breakup with my partner of 6 years. We lived in my house and I kicked her out because I could take no more of her abuse. I'm not sure right now and may have overreacted kicking her out.
> 
> ...


Dude....looking at that from the outside....that was a disaster. You two are toxic, there is no reason for you two to ever talk again. 
Change the locks to keep her out and just let it go.
Do not even look back, you two sounded horrible together and she was being shady anyway, you were never happy, never intimate, fought all the time. Just be glad it is over. 
She came and got her clothes? She shouldn't have access to your home anymore. CHANGE THE LOCKS ASAP.

ps - next time break up sooner. You showed weakness. There has to be consequences when someone treats you horribly. I am speaking about her lying and going out of town and not telling you. Who cares if she shows you some texts after the fact about where she was. You should have ended things right there on the spot over such deceptive and toxic behavior.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Let someone else support her and she can bull**** and diagnose them.

She's a therapist....not even a real doctor like a psychiatrist.

You're better off without her.....block her now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Urisamanana said:


> Her therapist career was hell for me. I was constantly diagnosed with different mental illnesses: her last diagnosis was paranoia with psychotic outbreak losing touch with reality because I was not OK with her protecting her phone an sleeping over at her friend's.


There must be something very wrong with her education, or maybe it's just her. Why? Because she should have been taught that diagnosis of anyone close to her is off limits. It's abusive to misuse her education background to demean you and to use it against you like that.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’ll likely decide life is too hard without your support and want to come back. Don’t let her.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Right. Keep things like you got 'em. Be thankful you never married her. Kicking her out was, in no way, an overreaction.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

She is now extremely p'od and gets worse every day. I changed the locks and put all her stuff together so she can pick it up, she went ballastic and threatened to sue me saying I'm violent (I have videos proving she is the violent one), that she has powerful friends and that 'everyone' now knows how terrible I am, and how I mistreated her when I kicked her out after spending the night at her friend's house because she was recording my voice that night (I also have videos of the same thing). I was very upset that night and raised my voice and used some swear words in response to her insults.

Yesterday I told her this is the result of years of abuse, insults and humiliation. Her being shady was the last straw.

And the list goes on and on over the years; she crashed the SUV I gave her multiple times, has endless traffic violations, has been violent with other drivers to the point of keying a car that was blocking her parking spot.

She has MS and I've always been supportive and caring when it comes to her disease. 

3 - 4 times a year she got drunk and violent, most of the times she passed out drunk and vomited. One time when mourning her Jewish ex when he died, she got drunk and confused me with him and got horny and then violent.

I have a video of her talking to one of her friends saying that she shouldn't have left a millionaire boyfriend that cheated on her before she met me.

She was always indescreet and made all her female friends, her sister and her mom know even our smallest problems. I talked to her mom many times and she admitted her daughter can be a handful and has a terrible mood. 

Her male friends love me and I became close to them, as well as many of her familiy members.

Her mom was many times the victim of her verbal abuse and overspending

This is all true and I'm not exaggerating a bit.

She always said I have so much good things going in my life and that I should just shut up about my problems and my worries.

I was an awkward, skinny and insecure teenager that suffered intense bullying at school.

I'm now good looking, athletic, intelligent, sociable, cultured, responsible, caring... I'm a business owner that could be doing better, but in no way gave her a bad life. I begged her to stay and work on the relationship so many times it hurt.

Why did I put up with her crap for so many years?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Urisamanana said:


> She is now extremely p'od and gets worse every day. I changed the locks and put all her stuff together so she can pick it up, she went ballastic and threatened to sue me saying I'm violent (I have videos proving she is the violent one), that she has powerful friends and that 'everyone' now knows how terrible I am, and how I mistreated her when I kicked her out after spending the night at her friend's house because she was recording my voice that night (I also have videos of the same thing). I was very upset that night and raised my voice and used some swear words in response to her insults.
> 
> Yesterday I told her this is the result of years of abuse, insults and humiliation. Her being shady was the last straw.
> 
> ...


You need to read "The Rational Male"
She's not the problem, The problem is how to act to her.
You need a crash course in inter-sexual dynamics!
https://therationalmale.com/


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i suspect that you are not one that likes too much change, you get comfortable even when it is not always in your best interest. you have demonstrated that it took a lot to break up with her. Sadly you chose poorly....what you really need now is to better understand why you picked her in the first place so you don't make that mistake again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> Why did I put up with her crap for so many years?


The thing is that this is the million dollar question... 

I think some of the people telling you to read no more me nice guy are correct. you need to read that book and the others. At the very least, it will give you a frame of reference to understand what has happened to you, and at the very least teach you how to avoid it again in your life... 

Mean while, proceed with the divorce and move on... You have to get and stay away from her...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> Mean while, proceed with the divorce and move on... You have to get and stay away from her...


The good news is that they are not married. He has her stuff, that she needs to pick up, but there are no legal ties keeping her in his life.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Still doubting if she was cheating or not. In my mind the day I kicked her out and seeing her reaction when confronted, she was. Now I'm not so sure

Why is she so angry and talking so much crap about me?. If she didn't want to leave, why didn't she come clean?.

Her idea was to basically be like roommates, keep using my car, keep me paying the bills until her career as a therapist took off.

This was by all means unacceptable for me and every darn night I came home there was a fight started by her stemming from a disagreement, big or small, that escalated to all out insults and violence on her part and me telling her lo leave as a result but never got to it, I would always apologize the next morning.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> Still doubting if she was cheating our not. In my mind the day I kicked her out and seeing her reaction when confronted, she was. Now I'm not so sure


No buddy, that is your mind playing tricks. 

She was cheating, not much doubt about that. 

Just move on...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> Still doubting if she was cheating or not. In my mind the day I kicked her out and seeing her reaction when confronted, she was. Now I'm not so sure
> 
> Why is she so angry and talking so much crap about me?. If she didn't want to leave, why didn't she come clean?.
> 
> ...


All of this is why you are no longer with her. Even if she were not cheating, why would you put up with being treated this way? She was not an equal participant in your relationship. She was using you and you were doing all the work. You should have been loving and supporting each other, but she was "diagnosing" you with all sorts of disorders and being obnoxious and rude to you. I hope you aren't considering taking her back.

Do you still have all her junk?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Urisamanana said:


> Why is she so angry and talking so much crap about me?. If she didn't want to leave, why didn't she come clean?.


Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 2, "Rewriting History", and Chapter 3, "Ways of justifying your affair".



Urisamanana said:


> If she didn't want to leave, why didn't she come clean?.


Asked by you, answered by you....



Urisamanana said:


> Her idea was to basically be like roommates, keep using my car, keep me paying the bills until her career as a therapist took off.


Cheater's Handbook, Chapter 4, "Cake Eating". She knew, damn well, that you would have parked her sorry a$$ on the curb.



Urisamanana said:


> This was by all means unacceptable for me and every darn night I came home there was a fight started by her stemming from a disagreement, big or small, that escalated to all out insults and violence on her part and me telling her lo leave as a result but never got to it, I would always apologize the next morning.


Yes, that apology was, in her twisted and lustful mind, a way of calling her affairs and her fornication "your fault".

My friend, the one thing in this whole sordid mess, that you may very well thank God for, is that you're not legally tied to this person.

And, make no mistake about it, you have clear judgement. She is a philanderer. Don't doubt that for a millisecond. She is also a "user", who has given herself permission to foist the responsibility of HER life onto you. She will, in all likelihood, find another patsy to pay her way.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

She called the other day saying she doesn't have any money, or a car to pick up the rest of her stuff. Said I understand that for the moment hiring a moving company is not the wisest choice due to the pandemic.

Later she texted and sent me a couple pictures that she and her friend took of themselves having dinner the day I kicked her out, saying this is proof that she didn't cheat and that she would never do that to a partner. I can believe that and trusted her until a couple weeks ago.

She accused me again of kicking her out unjustly and that my mental illnesses are destroying my life.

I don't know, but in my mind it was just too much for me to handle, the constant mention of the Jewish ex, the constant mention of the millionaire ex and how awful our sex life had become in recent years. Recently she was rarely with me during the weekends (she was in classes and I believed her).

I miss her very much but it was hell living with her.

Last year I went to a psychiatrist to talk about 'my girlfriend's diagnosis of my mental health'. He said I'm normal and that I was not depressed or had OCD, or paranoia or even anxiety. He did tell me I was very stressed and recommended I meditate and try to sleep better and if that didn't work I could try an antidepressant for 6 months or therapy with a psychologist.

I purposefully lied to my girlfriend and said that I was heavily medicated by the psych and going to therapy, she seemed happy for a while.

She has been in therapy practically all of her adult life and on antidepressants many times, this way of living life 'on therapy' seems normal for her.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

She's a manipulative, abusive, mentally unstable, cheater. No, you don't have anything beyond circumstantial evidence of her cheating, but the behavior fits. The rest of her behavior, by itself, is more than enough to kick her to the curb. Who cares what she thinks or says? She's trying to manipulate you into taking her back so she can use you as a roommate/ATM/punching bag. Stop entertaining her in any way. Tell her not to contact you again, block her on your phone, email, and social media, then get on with your life. You aren't going to begin healing until you've gone no contact.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Notice that her message made no mention of her concern for you. It was all about her. She didn't tell you how stricken she is that your would leave her and that she loves you. Her whole message was about her needs and how you can fulfill them. That is not the message of a woman who loves you or who has your best interests at heart. Furthermore, the photo she sent you means nothing. It have been taken anytime and she could still have been cheating. She is not making a good case for you taking her back. She was stressing you out by treating you badly. Now she's lost her ATM and wants it (you) back. To her you are a means to an end. She needs support and you are where she thinks she can get it. Talk to her at your own peril.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> Notice that her message made no mention of her concern for you. It was all about her.


You are absolutely right, it has all been about her since she quit her job and started studying. Many times I tried telling her how I felt and that this could not continue the way it had been. She had a lot of benefits form this arrangement, but almost no obligations. 

I wonder if her depression, loss of libido, drinking, anxiety, poor impulse control, car crashing and aggressiveness are related to her multiple sclerosis. In 2018 we had a big blowup because she doesn't want to start treatment that her neurologist recommended. 

It's hard to pin it down to that single cause because she has minimal physical issues, just intermittent fatigue, very minor loss of strength in her right leg (only noticeable in a neurological examination) and transient pain and mild paresthesia in the lower limbs. 

I always supported and took care of her when she was ill and I'm feeling guilty for kicking her out. She does have a place to live and her mom to take care of her. 

Her mom kind of lives in denial of her daughter's MS though.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> You are absolutely right, it has all been about her since she quit her job and started studying. Many times I tried telling her how I felt and that this could not continue the way it had been. She had a lot of benefits form this arrangement, but almost no obligations.
> 
> Her mom kind of lives in denial of her daughter's MS though.


Dude, I think your ex, her family and everyone including you have been in denial for a long time. 

Brother, you deserve better and you should never, ever feel guilty for kicking her to the curb. 

You tried to help, she screwed you over, you should just move on. 

And get some therapy for your Codependency issues. I mean you realize the you have then and that is a problem in your life, right?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

None of this is your problem anymore. She wanted a one sided relationship where you did all the work and she got all the benefits. That's not a healthy relationship. It is certainly possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has MS or practically any other disability, but it's up to both people in the relationship. It takes two people to make a healthy relationship and only one person to tear it apart. If she loved you. She would treat you lovingly.

I highly recommend that you read two books:
Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie; https://smile.amazon.com/Codependen...id=1585087493&sprefix=codepent,aps,253&sr=8-2
Facing Codependence, by Pia Mellody https://smile.amazon.com/Facing-Cod...sprefix=pia+mellody+facing,audible,220&sr=1-1
These books together will show you what is and is not a healthy relationship. I think they will open your eyes to how seriously dysfunctional your relationship with her was and help you overcome the false guilt you are feeling. 

If she was a loving participant in your relationship and you dumped her because of her illness, you would get a much different response from me, but that isn't the case. She was using you and you knew it.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

So I've read the thread. Hope you will soon stop having second thoughts, stop feeling guilty. Many here have supported you. In some states recording someone without permission is not legal. Did you know this? Recording to show her girlfriends and belittle you sure is not very loving in my book. Wonder how often she abused you by revealing her scenarios to others?

Not that I believe her story. IMO: She had become a habit, not a partner in a loving relationship. You are not responsible for her unstable actions nor her mental instability. She likely has personality diagnoses if not more.

Living with the chaos someone like her causes becomes addicting to the energy it creates sometimes. Take care of yourself. Build your business you good looking, athletic, intelligent, sociable, cultured, responsible, caring dude! IMO: she was consistently bullying you--a state you had become accustomed to as a young fella. Build on your new confidence and develop stronger boundaries.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Today she called threatening me and saying she'll proceed legally against me because she claims I was violent (she was the violent one BTW...I have it on video). She wants to get money out of me any way she can, says I kicked her out with no money, no car and no place live (she's staying with her mom) and she needs retribution.

She's literally adding every last cent she thinks I owe her.

She hasn't been able to get all her stuff out because of the pandemic and she needs some movers to get some furniture out. Says she doesn't care about the pandemic and she'll clear out her stuff as soon as possible.

She is particularly hurt because when I kicked her out I said I had nothing to lose beacuse our sex life had become horrible (and its absolutely true).

Under normal circumstances she would be out of my life now. I really don't kniow how to handle such a volatile and unreasonable woman, despite living with her for years.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> Under normal circumstances she would be out of my life now. I really don't kniow how to handle such a volatile and unreasonable woman, despite living with her for years.


#1 Stop responding to her. Defending yourself to her is pointless.
#2 Read the books I linked to above.
#3 Call an attorney and get advice so you are prepared if she decides to sue you.

And for goodness sake, stop listening to her ranting. She is an abusive individual and you don't need that in your life. You don't know what she might try, so please get in touch with an attorney and find out if she has a claim and what you can do about her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> Today she called threatening me and saying she'll proceed legally against me because she claims I was violent (she was the violent one BTW...I have it on video). She wants to get money out of me any way she can, says I kicked her out with no money, no car and no place live (she's staying with her mom) and she needs retribution.
> 
> She's literally adding every last cent she thinks I owe her.
> 
> ...


Just let all of that roll off your back like water off a duck. 

She is mad she got caught, she is mad you stood up for yourself and held her accountable. 

SHE IS NUTS...

Stand your ground...


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Urisamanana said:


> Today she called threatening me and saying she'll proceed legally against me because she claims I was violent (she was the violent one BTW...I have it on video). She wants to get money out of me any way she can, says I kicked her out with no money, no car and no place live (she's staying with her mom) and she needs retribution.
> 
> She's literally adding every last cent she thinks I owe her.
> 
> ...


Why are you still talking to her?
Why haven't you blocked her?
You're done. Relationship is over.
Pack the rest of her junk up. Put it in a box in the garage and leave it for her to pick up.
A better option is to get a storage unit. Pay for a month. Send her the key/code and let her know through text or letter (DO NOT CALL) where her stuff is and that be the end of things as she can get her junk then.

She's a nut. She's a few cans short of a 12 pack. She' PO'd as heck for getting caught and she wants to make you suffer.
Women are told to contact the police. Why haven't you considered a TRO? She's threatening you?
Your life can be ruined here if you don't start taking this seriously!
You need to call a lawyer as she is threatening to sue you. You need to get information. Let the lawyer know how toxic is was and is now.

You need to have a VAR on you in case she comes over because I can pretty much guarantee she will set you up so you'll catch a DV charge. Stands to reason that would be her next attack. You should consider getting video cameras set up in your house in case you do something foolish , like let her in to discuss your relationship.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I agree with the storage unit plan. Put all her things in storage. Pay for 4 months. Have an attorney draft a letter telling her where her things are and how long she has to get them. Block her number. Never communicate with her again. 

Read the books about codependency. 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Storage unit.
Var, or better yet, body cam.
RO
Lawyer up as of yesterday.
Good luck.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Urisamanana said:


> Today she called threatening me and saying she'll proceed legally against me because she claims I was violent (she was the violent one BTW...I have it on video). She wants to get money out of me any way she can, says I kicked her out with no money, no car and no place live (she's staying with her mom) and she needs retribution.
> 
> She's literally adding every last cent she thinks I owe her.
> 
> ...


 @Urisamanana, 

Please go right ahead and pack her things, rent a storage unit for a reasonable amount of time (a month, 2 months--whatever you like), put her things in the storage unit, and then send her the key or code for the storage unit. She will have access to her things, and even if she can't move them herself right now, she can pay the storage costs after the time you paid runs out. 

Thereafter, please block her on your phone, delete her from your email, and remove her from all your social media. Then send her a "Cease and Desist Contact" letter (in lawyer terms, that means "stop contacting me"). I have put some sample wording below. You send her the "Cease and Desist Contact" letter IN THE MAIL, certified return receipt. Print a copy of the letter for yourself and with it, keep the copies that prove you mailed it, keep the payment receipts, and when she signs for it...keep the green return receipt. If she refuses to sign, that still would come back to you as proof that you *attempted *to notify her. 

Then if she contacts you again in any way--email, text, social media, phone call, or coming over--record it. Screenshot, photocopy, or just record on your phone so you have documentation of contact AFTER you officially asked her to stop. That is exactly the legal definition of harassment. Then, you just go to your municipal court and file for a temporary restraining order. Show the judge the letter, the proof you mailed it, the green return receipt card (either signed or refused) and the documentation of the contact after notification--and you'll get a temporary protective order (which means that THE COURT is telling her to leave you alone). 

Carry your PO/RO with you at all times. Under no circumstances contact her in any way or you nullify the order and the courts will be pissed at you. If she attempts to contact you after that, again, record it for documentation. If she doesn't--cool she is no longer in your life! Either way, when you go to the permanent hearing, you present whatever documentation you have (either the stuff that you showed originally to get the temporary or the continued contact even after the temporary) and the courts will grant you a PERMANENT order. 

If she attempts to contact you after that, don't say a word or do a thing to her. Just record it again and call 911, speak to the police, explain you have a permanent order and the person just contacted you again, and the police will come. Show them the order and the new documentation, and they will arrest her, and THE JUDGE will hold her in contempt of a court order. 

Now I know this sounds extreme (like "Geez, it's not THAT bad!") but she has no respect for your boundary of leaving you alone. She will not listen to requests from you, and if you try to enforce your boundary, she will say you are being mean to her or blame you, etc. This way, it is not YOU telling her what to do...it is SOCIETY. Society will be telling her that once a person tells you to stop contacting them, it is INAPPROPRIATE to continue...and that continuing to do so is harassment. A JUDGE will be the one "being mean" and a judge has the full authority of the law to enforce what they order!! So if she persists in disobeying a judge's order, a judge CAN (and will) use law enforcement to enforce a legal court order. 

See how that takes it from a "he said/she said" scenario where you can not enforce your wishes, to a situation where you are safe from her abuse and able to protect yourself? In this instance, I do believe it is reasonable. 

Now if she is smart, she'll sign for the Cease and Desist Contact Letter, listen to it, and just leave you the heck alone. But if she's not, then you have a way to take care of yourself. Here is an example letter:


[Your name]
[Your address – line 1]
[Your address – line 2]

[Perpetrator’s name]
[Perpetrator’s address – line 1]
[Perpetrator’s address – line 2]

[Today’s date]

RE: Cease and desist from harassment

Dear [Perpetrator’s name]:

This CEASE AND DESIST CONTACT letter is to inform you that your persistent actions including but not limited to [insert actions here (example: calling me in the middle of the night and hanging up, waiting outside my house, etc.)] have become unbearable. You are ORDERED TO STOP such activities immediately as they are being done in violation of the law.

I have the right to remain free from these activities as they constitute harassment/stalking, and I will pursue any legal remedies available to me against you if these activities continue. These remedies include but are not limited to: contacting law enforcement to obtain criminal sanctions against you, and suing you civilly for damages I have incurred as a result of your actions.

Again, you must IMMEDIATELY STOP [unwanted activities (example: calling, texting, messaging, emailing, writing, posting, or contacting me in any way)]. You risk incurring some very severe legal consequences if you fail to comply with this demand.

This letter acts as your final warning to discontinue this unwanted conduct before I pursue legal actions against you. At this time, I am not contacting the authorities or filing civil suit against you, as I hope we can resolve this matter without authoritative involvement. I am not under any circumstances, however, waiving any legal rights I have presently, or future legal remedies against you by sending you this letter. This order acts as ONE FINAL CHANCE for you to cease your illegal activities before I exercise my rights.

Sincerely,

[your signature]___
[your printed name]


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The reason I suggest four months for the storage locker are that iIt gives her plenty of time and she can't accuse you of being unreasonable, which may be important if she has a case against you.

It will take you a couple of weeks to a month to get in touch with an attorney and get the paperwork together a cease and desist order. If you aren't going to an attorney, then follow what AffairCare said to do.

The reason I recommend an attorney is that she may have a case against you. There are examples of women who have sued their domestic partner and won. I think it would be wise to see legal counsel to know what your rights are and if she has any case against you. It's much better to be prepared in advance rather than be caught unprepared. You don't know what she might do. She is desperate. You were her meal ticket and now she's living with her mother, who very likely isn't as easily controlled as you were. Please take this situation seriously. Don't be afraid. Be proactive.

Even if she has a case, you did the right thing by evicting her. She is bad news and does not have your best interests at heart. She was using you and she is going to try to use you some more. Put your foot down and protect yourself. Stop engaging with her. Block her and sent her an order to stop. The steps AffairCare wrote about, including making a paper trail by using certified mail, are all important parts of the process. If you go through an attorney, they will have a process server serve her.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Thank you all for your great support and advice. 

I have contacted my lawyer and his opinion is she can sue me as her domestic partner for support because she is unable to support herself and she can play it as being disabled because of her MS. So I better let her cool down (if she ever cools down) and defend myself if she sues for support. She has no case for domestic violence.

She keeps getting angrier by the day and the way to make her cool down is giving her what she wants (not something I'm willing to do). I owe her some money ($10000) for some things she bought with her credit card, paying her ought to keep her off me for a couple of weeks. I don't know if paying her in full is a good idea, because she owes me money from parking tickets, damage to both my cars and for breaking a security camera on purpose.

I do owe her, but I'm afraid she is going to take this as 'permission' to keep coming back for more and not be responsible for what she did.

I have videos of her being verbally and physically violent that would hold up in court if she decided to sue me for domestic violence and/or support.

Indeed she's desperate and her mother has been a victim of her abuse before. Other than legally and maybe end up paying for supporting her, I can't think of a way to make her stop playing the victim


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm sorry to hear that she may have a claim. What you may be able to do is to have her sign an agreement, drawn up by your attorney, stating that she is receiving repayment from you for a debt and that she will not come after you for any further support. She may be willing to do that right now. Strike while the iron is hot. As far as the damage she did, let it go. You are best rid of her. I know you don't want to give her anything else, but it may be in your best interest to give her money and get her to sign off on any future claim.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Thanks Cynthia, that's a great idea, seeing she's only interested in the money. I suggested this to her the other day, but she didn't even listen.

It has really helped me seeing her reacting this way. One mutual friend said: she's always been this way, you just chose to ignore the red flags. Her therapist studies made her feel entitled and made things worse.

I knew for a long time she was here because I was her meal ticket. She always had me on my toes telling me she was about to leave and that all her female friends told her to leave me. Interestingly, her mom always agreed her daughter is difficult and has a terrible mood.

I became numb to living life this way and entertained myself with work and sports. But it just got too much for me when her newly divorced friend came into the picture, coupled with the lousy sex (when we started dating it was mind blowing BTW). 

Ex gf seems especially hurt and mad that I told her the sex was so bad I had nothing more to lose. I just had so much bottled up inside that she didn't like what she heard.

I've been really hesitant to set up a Bumble profile, because I thought I couldn't handle the rejection of not having many matches, but was convinced by a friend to set it up. The amount of matches has been overwhelming, I went on 3 dates the weekend just before the lockdown. I'm surprised to say the least.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

What state are you in where you can be sued as a domestic partner?


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Urisamanana said:


> Today she called threatening me and saying she'll proceed legally against me because she claims I was violent (she was the violent one BTW...I have it on video). She wants to get money out of me any way she can, says I kicked her out with no money, no car and no place live (she's staying with her mom) and she needs retribution.
> 
> She's literally adding every last cent she thinks I owe her.
> 
> ...


You should block her and stop taking her calls and engaging her in this madness. Just block her number and no longer talk to her or interact with her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> Thanks Cynthia, that's a great idea, seeing she's only interested in the money. I suggested this to her the other day, but she didn't even listen.


I don't think you should try speaking to her or contacting her again, but it's an entirely different situation when you have your attorney handle it for you. He can draw something up. If he thinks you can bring a suit against her to resolve all financial entanglements, then he can have her served and she has to respond. If she ignores it and it goes to court, she will be unable to bring suit against you in the future, if you play your cards right.


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## dtc37 (Nov 18, 2014)

I’m in the exact same situation rn my Gf of 10 yrs been on and off ssris and every time she’s on them she makes very impulsive drastic decisions, becomes very cold angry shell of the person she was. Found she’s been-going to some guys house instead of work, can’t kick her out because of the outbreak and her name is on the house. Now she’s demanding money to leave, blame shifting and everything. ssris are very very bad m, the fda should have never approved them, because drs are unaware of the affects of these drugs lmk how it works out, 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

shortbus said:


> What state are you in where you can be sued as a domestic partner?


I'm in the UK


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

Cynthia said:


> I don't think you should try speaking to her or contacting her again, but it's an entirely different situation when you have your attorney handle it for you. He can draw something up. If he thinks you can bring a suit against her to resolve all financial entanglements, then he can have her served and she has to respond. If she ignores it and it goes to court, she will be unable to bring suit against you in the future, if you play your cards right.


I feel bad for not paying her how I promised, but I understand it could be the start of something bad where she keeps demanding money or things from me. Better to settle all financial matters only once.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Affaircare said:


> @Urisamanana,
> 
> Please go right ahead and pack her things, rent a storage unit for a reasonable amount of time (a month, 2 months--whatever you like), put her things in the storage unit, and then send her the key or code for the storage unit. She will have access to her things, and even if she can't move them herself right now, she can pay the storage costs after the time you paid runs out.
> 
> ...


And go to the bank and get it notarized, before you send it so because it's notarized by the bank and they proven it is you! that signed and sent it.


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## Urisamanana (Mar 10, 2020)

dtc37 said:


> I’m in the exact same situation rn my Gf of 10 yrs been on and off ssris and every time she’s on them she makes very impulsive drastic decisions, becomes very cold angry shell of the person she was. Found she’s been-going to some guys house instead of work, can’t kick her out because of the outbreak and her name is on the house. Now she’s demanding money to leave, blame shifting and everything. ssris are very very bad m, the fda should have never approved them, because drs are unaware of the affects of these drugs lmk how it works out,
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Oh man, I'm sorry for what you're going thru. It's like they just are incapable of comprehending what they are doing, feeling empathy or at least being a tad reasonable. 

My exgf has gone through 3 different ssris through the years she was with me. First she was on fluoxetine (for anxiety and depression - her libido was gone), then duloxetine (for MS pain - made her impulsive and aggressive) and was recently changed to setraline (for aggression issues - by far the worse, it made her more anxious, distant and unreasonable).

I can't tell you ssris completely changed her, but they did increase some of these personality 'traits', while diminishing others.

I hope she's not violent like my exgf is, just don't engage in her confrontations and act calmly and reasonably. Think only about yourself and that your perceptions are right. Talk to a friend or post here for perspective


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Urisamanana said:


> I feel bad for not paying her how I promised, but I understand it could be the start of something bad where she keeps demanding money or things from me. Better to settle all financial matters only once.


If you owe her, you can get that taken care of legally. You should only feel badly about doing something wrong. If you think you're doing something wrong, change your behavior. If you believe you owe her money, pay her, but don't just write her a check. Make sure you do it through your attorney, so it is legally recorded and all ties are severed properly.


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