# good sex would be a great help



## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi All

With this being my first post, and one of the biggest problems in our marriage at this point in time being sex, I thought I’d start here.
A bit of background… My wife and I have been married for 22 years, we have 2 kids, my son (disabled) is 19 yrs old, and my daughter (doing just fine) is 16. Throughout our married life, our sex life has never been anything special. Because of my sons condition we spent many nights if different beds, not intentionally, but because he’d not sleep unless one of us was with him. So over the years our sex life suffered. We’d get on with life, but it was always one point that I wish I’d paid more attention to.
We grew up and got married in South Africa, and moved to the UK for my job and my sons schooling about 12 years ago. Life has been much better here in the UK, well schooling for my son has, as well as financially we’re better off. I’ve got a good job and have never been unemployed, so my wife didn’t need to work and stayed home to look after schooling and all the other family matters, especially where my sons concerns lay. She’s had a few odd jobs, but she’s never really found anything that’s kept her interest. She always has liked her bed and is not the most energetic person around. Definitely not a morning person.
But last year the atom bomb fell… I found out my wife had been seeing another ‘friend’ while I thought she was on girlie nights out with her friends, I found out they’d been going to clubs and she admitted ‘kissing’ this guy (but ‘that’s all’ she’s told me). Well that shook my whole world, I never had a clue.
At the same time she told me that during a European visit where she travelled through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, she’s 99% sure she was drugged and raped (this is going back about 20 years). At the time she just thought she’d had a serious hangover…??? But continued through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, where we had a ‘good time’ and did some site seeing and some travel together. She travelled back to South Africa and I followed about a month later. When I got home, she told me she was pregnant…??? So as you can see April 2014 was quite a month where a lot of truths came to the surface! I did think if my son was actually mine and all, and should I get any testing done to make sure he’s actually mine, but I didn’t feel I wanted to, whatever the outcome, I’m his dad and always will be.
But my wife’s ‘kissing’ this other guy really got me worried. We spoke in depth about our situation and she told me that our relationship, from her side, had been going down for quite a few years (another shock to me as I just didn’t even realise or see it), anyway, after discussing it in detail with her, I saw how sad she actually was, and throughout the years I just didn’t see it. 
Obviously I didn’t want to lose her, so I made a serious effort last year to change my ways, I started gym, lost those extra pounds you pick up over the years, made it a point to take more notice of her and her feelings and become generally closer to her. And it’s worked brilliantly; we’re closer that we’ve ever been before.
I think my change came as a big surprise to her, at first I think she thought it wouldn’t last, but after a few months I think she realised I was serious, I didn’t like my old self, and I was doing it not only for her, but for me as well. The results have been good, my relationship with me kids have improved 100 fold, my wife and I are talking like we’ve never talked before, and we’re much closer that we’ve been in years…. But the sex seems to be the last stumbling block and we just can’t seem to get over it. She’s recently told me I’ve never been able to make her orgasm… which I found quite a blow to the man’s ego lol but after reading a few posts on this forum, I feel better knowing I’m not alone and it can be quite normal.
And because we’re talking so well, we’ve discussed the sex thing and we’ve both promised to try get it going again, but it’s not happening, she complains it’s sore, she tells me I don’t have a clue what I’m doing when I try different things…. like going down on her which I’ve only started doing in the last year, she says the only way she gets off is with her vibrator. So I even bought her another vibrator, but she hasn’t used it.
So I’m now starting to come to the conclusion that it’s the love that’s gone and there’s no getting it back…. the bad sex is just the result.
I only wish our sex life could be better as I feel this would bring us a lot closer in a way that living together and talking can’t.
I’m really at that point that I don’t know if I should call it a day and separate, or give her more time and love for her sake and the sake of the family.
I really was stupid in my earlier married years, I think I might have left it too late to pull things back together. 
I really love her and want to make it work, my blinkers are now off and I see and feel her pain, I just don’t know if I can ever get her back… but why I posted in this sex forum is because I do believe a good sex life would be a great help to the road to recovery.
PS. Talking about it on a forum, like this… well I still feel a bit weird… lol. But I’m keen to hear from others who might have advice or had similar experiences….
Thanks
AJT


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Do you believe her about the cheating?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Have you asked her if she still loves you? 

It may be that she has so much resentment built up from the years of your behavior, that she does not feel safe with you yet, perhaps she is not yet totally convinced yet the changes will last. There is also a possibility that she just does not know how to get her mojo back since its been gone for so long - how to use her brain to get the desire flowing again. 

There could be so many variables in play here. I really think you both would benefit from serious counseling together. Yes it can be expensive, but so is divorce.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I am a bit unclear on these two points:



AndyJackTeddy said:


> But last year the atom bomb fell… I found out my wife had been seeing another ‘friend’ while I thought she was on girlie nights out with her friends, *I found out they’d been going to clubs and she admitted ‘kissing’ this guy* (but ‘that’s all’ she’s told me). Well that shook my whole world, I never had a clue.


Is this all in the past, or does she still go out on these girls' nights? Who is this "guy"? Is she still in touch with him? Any reason to believe it's an ongoing affair?



AndyJackTeddy said:


> At the same time she told me that during a European visit where she travelled through Europe to meet up with me in Italy, *she’s 99% sure she was drugged and raped (this is going back about 20 years). At the time she just thought she’d had a serious hangover…???* But continued through Europe to meet up with me in Italy...


Are you saying she did not tell you any of this AT THE TIME it happened? She thought she had been raped, yet just showed up, didn't tell you, and you both continued to sightsee and spend time together?

Because that sounds a bit fishy to me. I can't imagine not telling my partner that I felt I had been drugged and raped. Unless she is claiming that she only NOW realizes, upon reflection, that maybe it happened.

My concern would be -- did she cheat on you back then, and it wasn't actually rape . Since she has admitted to seeing someone and kissing them in the recent past (on girls' night out) I'm wondering if this is really a pattern for her.

If you could clarify those two points, it might help us give you better advice.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

rape story sounds suspect to me as well. maybe a way of rationalizing her getting wasted and having a one night stand on the way to visit her husband


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Anon1111 said:


> rape story sounds suspect to me as well. maybe a way of rationalizing her getting wasted and having a one night stand on the way to visit her husband


Agree.

Why would she have a massive hangover while she was STILL en route to see him? I can't imagine that she would have gone out and pulled a massive drunk (alone) resulting in that kind of hangover, while she was traveling in a foreign country on her way to meet her partner...

Then again, people and events never cease to amaze me :scratchhead:.


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> I am a bit unclear on these two points:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hi Happy

There's been some things going on since I last posted. Karma... the car broke down and she called me to help... at 5am in the morning and it was down a deserted road... on my way to help... i met up with this 'guy' so I knew they'd been together. She swears on the childrens lives that they just spoke and nothing happened... so yes, i think it's ongoing. How serious, i don't know. I then arranged to meet up with this 'guys' wife and told her about it and what had happened.

And yes, she said nothing about the rape until last year... 20 years down the line...???
Now I don't know, but surly a woman knows if she's had sex the night before...??? Please can some woman help out with this...
She said she was bleeding and sore 'down there' ... so in my mind she must have known. But reading up on the date rape drugs, it seems some woman don't know that they'd been raped...???


My w has said she only realised because she started having flasbacks about it last year, that's when she came to the reasoning she'd been raped...??/


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> Agree.
> 
> Why would she have a massive hangover while she was STILL en route to see him? I can't imagine that she would have gone out and pulled a massive drunk (alone) resulting in that kind of hangover, while she was traveling in a foreign country on her way to meet her partner...
> 
> Then again, people and events never cease to amaze me :scratchhead:.


Happy
This happened in Austria... she then traveled back to the UK, then only onto me in Italy. About two weeks later.
She told me that that's what it felt like the next morning, a big hangover where she couldn't remember anything...???


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Well it looks like the beginning of the end.
We spoke last night about seperation, and she's keen.... so all that was in the past will stay in the past. I will not let it get me down.
It's now a case of me getting myself into gear and moving forward 
To infinity and beyond!!!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

AJT...

So sorry, it sounds like it is over. 

What did the OM's wife say when you contacted her?

And I honestly can't fathom why she would even bring up the "old" date rape story. I don't mean to add insult to injury, but it is possible that your son is not your biological son. Not that it much matters; as you've stated, he will always be your son! It just makes no sense why she would tell you that story now, as opposed to then. Was he perhaps having medical tests/blood work done that might spill the beans if you saw the results?

I suppose PTSD could be triggering it...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

AndyJackTeddy said:


> ...With this being my first post, and one of the biggest problems in our marriage at this point in time being sex,
> 
> … My wife and I have been *married for 22 years, we have 2 kids, my son (disabled) is 19 yrs old, and my daughter (doing just fine) is 16.* Throughout our married life, our sex life has never been anything special.
> 
> ...





AndyJackTeddy said:


> ... the car broke down and she called me to help... at *5am in the morning and it was down a deserted road... on my way to help... i met up with this 'guy' so I knew they'd been together*. She swears on the childrens lives that they just spoke and nothing happened... so yes, i think it's ongoing. How serious, i don't know. I then arranged to meet up with this 'guys' wife and told her about it and what had happened....





AndyJackTeddy said:


> Well it looks like the beginning of the end.
> *We spoke last night about seperation, and she's keen*.... so all that was in the past will stay in the past. I will not let it get me down.
> It's now a case of me *getting myself into gear and moving forward.*..



I am sorry for the loss of your marriage. Your wife seems to be a serial cheater if nothing else just Emotional Affairs, but probably physical as well.

My advice to you as to moving on, is to talk to a really good divorce attorney. You need to protect yourself financially. It could be a really good thing that your wife is keen on a separation as that may mean that a divorce under favorable financial terms may not be hard to arrange, either because of her desire to be free or because of how she will stupidly act during the separation to carry on with her affairs of the heart and body.

The reason you need to protect yourself is that your wife, who really doesn't have much work experience or a career to fall back on is a serial cheater and no matter what happens, if she gains custody of your children (highly likely in most court systems that favor the mother) she will probably squander any money she gets from you and your kids will likely suffer. If you are financially healthy you can help them with college, trade school or what ever as they will be grown and leaving home soon.

As to testing to see if your son is your biological son, I too have mixed feelings. My suggestion is to discuss it with your divorce attorney as it could be a mitigating factor in either claiming custody or limiting court directed child support. Your attorney would know best. One benefit of some of the new DNA testing like 23&me is that it includes a lot of medical type information as well as family type information.

You might want to read up on the grieving process as you will feel a huge loss associated with the loss of your marriage.

Good luck and congratulations on your Getting a Life, changes you made by working out and improving yourself.


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## AndyJackTeddy (Mar 18, 2015)

Hi YAH and others

Thanks for all the comments. Appreciated!
I must say, as I’m sure it is with others, the cause of the separation is a 50/50… she says it me and I say it’s her 
We still get on well together and we’ve never talked so openly as we do now, it’s just the ‘love’ is gone. I think she realises we couldn’t really afford a divorce at the moment; we’d have to go down the two year separation route to minimise cost.
We’ve talked a bit more about the separation and it looks like I’ll keep my son with me and the wife and my daughter will move out (my daughter will have two homes, but because my home has been modified for wheelchair use, my son will stay with me)
Funnily enough, she’s been really nice lately, or friendly is a more appropriate word. No hello, good bye or good night kiss unless I initiate it… just no physical touch at all.
I don’t want to paint people a picture that she’s some deranged lunatic, because she’s not, she’s a great person, great to the kids, brilliant with our son, it’s simply the love between us is gone. We just seemed to have drifted too far apart to bring it back together.
But so be it… I can live with that…
If separation does come along, I think I’d happily accommodate her on the money side, simply because it was her who missed out on a career to take the time to look after our handicapped son for the past 20 years, if she was the bread winner in the relationship, and the shoe was on the other foot, it’d be me in that position. And I’m happy with that. She’s just very unhappy.
Over the weekend I told her that it was still the best situation for everyone involved if we could just sort our problems out. And she’s not stupid, she can see that, it just can she meet me half way and together we’d try sort the marriage out.
But I’m not holding my breath


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you need to detach from her, you should not seek out hello, good bye, kissing, etc. She is in an affair.

You need to lawyer up, and make sure you don't screwed as best you can. She is probably playing nice to catch you unawares in court.


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