# Feel like it's all crumbling around me.



## falconbridge

Basics
I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
I don’t take any form of drugs, not my scene.
I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise. 

Relationship
- my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that. 
She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I don’t do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesn’t get acknowledged. 
I can see she is hurting, I don’t believe I fully understand why and it’s killing me. 
This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation. 
She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I don’t believe there is. 
The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped. 
One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say ‘oh goodo’ not well done or anything positive. 
I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself. 
We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didn’t try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work. 
She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment. 
We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with. 
Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life. 

Work
- I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and it’s essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time. 
The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I can’t concentrate. 
As much as work is a focus, I don’t put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and don’t like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely. 

Study
- I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much. 
Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment. 

Family 
- I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, I’ve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her. 
- I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wife’s mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus I’ve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I don’t know how he copes. That said the way my wife’s sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong. 

Friends
- I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all ‘our friends’, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing. 

Self
- I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school. 
- I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming. 

Current situation
- I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes it’s about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I don’t believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me. 
- I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife. 
- I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.


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## megamuppet

falconbridge said:


> Basics
> I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
> I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
> I don’t take any form of drugs, not my scene.
> I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.
> 
> Relationship
> - my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
> She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I don’t do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesn’t get acknowledged.
> I can see she is hurting, I don’t believe I fully understand why and it’s killing me.
> This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
> She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I don’t believe there is.
> The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
> One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say ‘oh goodo’ not well done or anything positive.
> I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
> We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didn’t try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
> She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
> We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
> Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.
> 
> Work
> - I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
> I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and it’s essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
> The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I can’t concentrate.
> As much as work is a focus, I don’t put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and don’t like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.
> 
> Study
> - I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
> Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.
> 
> Family
> - I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, I’ve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
> - I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wife’s mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus I’ve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I don’t know how he copes. That said the way my wife’s sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.
> 
> Friends
> - I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all ‘our friends’, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.
> 
> Self
> - I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
> - I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.
> 
> Current situation
> - I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes it’s about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I don’t believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
> - I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
> - I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.


You really need to talk to her and let her know how this is making you feel. As someone who has lost family members to suicide and even considered it for myself once or twice, I have to say dont do it. The effect it has on those left behind is heartbreaking. Even people you wouldnt think cared. X

Speak to your family, they love you, seek proper support about your thoughts and feelings, but more importantly speak to your wife. If the relationship is over, then let it go, but please put yourself first xxx

Sent from my SM-G920F using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator

*First off, get to your physician and have an extremely thorough checkup performed! Your personal health is something that you don't want to frivolously jeopardize!

Then you need to get yourself into Individual Counseling(IC) in order to get a handle on your personal life!

I would also recommend marriage counseling (MC) since it greatly appears that your W has all but checked out of your marriage and appears to be supplanting it with FB and other social media outlets, which for a woman with a mindset like that, can end up being the proverbial devils playground!

Please get that physical examination done post haste!

Welcome to TAM! Hate to see you here but it is simply a super place for getting all of the worthwhile advice from people who have foremostly been in your shoes at some juncture in their lives!

Best of luck to you my friend!*


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## aine

Falconbridge, I think you have far too much on your plate. Think about how you can cut down on the things you are doing. Also consider getting some IC to help you work through your emotions, etc.
Tell your wife exactly how you are feeling about everything and how overwhelmed you feel.


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## falconbridge

Thanks you for your words. I am struggling I know that, and each day feels a bit worse. Still I have reached out to two clubs of interest (cycling and astronomy) to try and do something for me, I have also made contact with a IC service for guidance and hope to see them next week. I might also try and reconnect with old friends, friendships in all honesty I have neglected. 

I guess what is hurting me the most is she has started to enforce distance. I send emails to her during the work day about something and she does not respond anymore, and later tells me she was too busy, meanwhile I can see she is very active on facebook all day. 

She says she is 'still here' and she hopes the holiday in June will bring things back, but I think the hurt on both sides will kill us both before then, for me at least. 

Still I am trying to do one meaningful thing each day, whether it be make time for a walk, or think about a movie she would like and put that on, do ALL the chores around the house before she gets home, I wrote on the bathroom mirror the other day the top 20 reasons she is awesome. . .just anything I can think of. 

What I don't know is what to tell friends, they all casually ask when I see them 'how are you going?" and I'm not sure as they are generally shared friends whether to open up to them and let them know I feel like I have been shot. They are people I know care, but it's also not fair to put them in the middle of something. 

Sorry to put my burdens on to others, but I have had a pretty lucky life until now, never hit anything even remotely close to the feelings I have now and clearly not so good at managing it, but thanks again for the responses, I really appreciate it.


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## EleGirl

falconbridge said:


> Current situation
> - I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes it’s about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I don’t believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
> 
> - I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
> 
> - I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.


You are in crisis and need to act quickly. It's not all that unusual for someone going through what you are going through to have thoughts of suicide. 

The good think is that there is something you can do about this. 

You say that you are going to see a counselor. But please see your doctor as well. They can prescribe antidepressants that can help you work through this depression and anxiety. They help to clear away the fog of depression so you can work on solving your issues. They do not numb you, they will help you cope and heal.

Also, here are some resources for you. They can be another outlet for you to talk through your pain and thoughts of suicide.

Here is a link and phone number to a suicide prevention lifeline and their phone number.

*Lifeline

1-800-273-TALK 
*

Please call them and talk to them.

You can post here too of course.


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## Quality

I hesitate to say it because you are so distraught and even mentioned some suicidal thoughts but MAYBE part of what's eating at your gut is the fact that your wife could very well be having an affair. Discovering the truth would be a bombshell of mega-proportion BUT if it's happening KNOWLEDGE of the truth doesn't/won't change the truth. If she's cheating, she's already destroyed/destroying you so discovering it can be, in one sense, a relief, because you'll know the truth about your life.

Don't ask her. If she's cheating she won't tell you. You've got to discover the truth yourself. You're an IT guy so that helps and although keyloggers or one of those sniffers or whatever should be easier for you to figure out, I find using a Voice Activated recorder hidden in their car (velcro'ed under the drivers seat) the fastest and easiest way to find out what it actually going on (never disclose you used a recorder or it will become all about how controlling and intrusive you are). There's a whole investigations thread in the "coping with infidelity" subforum.

Maybe you find nothing, but there's a lot of signs pointing to the fact she's having an affair. Once you discover the truth, you'll be able to proceed with your choices. I chose to try to save mine and eventually did. I'm happily married to the wife of my youth. It's been two decades. You don't have to reconcile and you may not even get the chance to depending on what your wife does but it is possible. Many might say without children you should just move on, but it's still your life and your decision either way. 

I'm sorry you are here. I've found a lot of comfort at church and comforted many through my church. The larger churches near you likely have marriage programs to assist marriages in crisis so maybe something to look into.


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## Marc878

Doesn't smell right. Nitpicking at little things. A lot of Facebook time isn't good.

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## MattMatt

falconbridge said:


> Basics
> I am 42 years old, married with no children. (just two cats that I love dearly)
> I work in IT and have done so for 20 years in various roles.
> I don’t take any form of drugs, not my scene.
> I am a keen cyclist, and commute via push bike, adding in extra milage in the morning as exercise.
> 
> Relationship
> - my wife is withdrawing from the relationship very quickly. We have been married for almost 8 years, and knew it other for 4 years prior to that.
> She has cited various reasons, most notably that she feels that she is not my priority, the second was I don’t do the little things like noticing sleep in her eye before we go out, or a tag sticking out. I believe there is a lot more to it. I look around me and I see lots of little things I do but it doesn’t get acknowledged.
> I can see she is hurting, I don’t believe I fully understand why and it’s killing me.
> This kicked off over xmas when she just dropped a bombshell of how unhappy she is and she is reevaluating the relationship. I feel on trial every day, and everything I do is wrong so I am failing the evaluation.
> She is on facebook all the time, messaging people etc and is very secretive about it, I have wondered if there is someone else, however I don’t believe there is.
> The email banter we used to have during the working day has stopped.
> One thing I have noticed over the years is a key difference is she is not really an affectionate person, where I am more the run on hugs and pats on the back type. Things like when I finished each subject in my MBA she would just say ‘oh goodo’ not well done or anything positive.
> I have felt for a long time that I am a lower priority for her at least after family, but this could also be just the way she expresses herself.
> We talked about having children at one point, however this was complicated by the fact she suffers with polycystic ovaries. We didn’t try IVF, but she has one two occasions blamed me for the lack of children and my focus on work.
> She has been on anti-depressants previously, but is not at the moment.
> We love to travel and went to Alaska last March which was magic, and we have booked another holiday this year for June, however through the booking process we sat down together to go through it and I could feel she just wanted to get it over and done with.
> Despite all of this and the way it sounds she is the love of my life.
> 
> Work
> - I am stuck in a dead end, high stress job and I feel likely to be made redundant later this year.
> I ended up in a dead end high stress job after the small company I worked for was acquired, they moved my function interstate, and the small team I had built up (10 people) were disbanded. The role I have been put in is called Service Delivery, and it’s essentially the escalation point for when things go wrong, and they go wrong constantly. The role is one of day in day out negativity, stress and politics. This has been a huge drain on me and the relationship. Because IT is a fast moving field I have let a lot of technical skills lapse so the only other jobs I could get at the moment are similar high stress roles, but even those are hard to get here at this time.
> The relationship issues are also having a negative impact on my work. I can’t concentrate.
> As much as work is a focus, I don’t put in the hours that many around me do. I try and keep it isolated and don’t like talking about work at home as I feel it brings negativity into the home. She however used to talk about work constantly, all the politics and carry on. It got to the point that when I was really hurting around some work issues I would ask her to stop as it was making me feel physically unwell listening to it. . . no matter the job work talk is all the same, and all it was doing was making me think of my work. She reacted badly to this and has clammed up completely.
> 
> Study
> - I have engaged in a second masters degree to realign my career back to technical and away from management, however it is getting too much.
> Study has been my answer to address the issue with work. I started the second masters degree in the middle of last year so still a long way to go. But the latest subject I have not been able to cope with or complete due to all the relationship stresses. I feel like this is slipping, I am failing and be escape path from the job is slipping out of my hands. I actually enjoy the study itself, it is somewhat of an escape but also gives me a sense that there is a future, but I just cant concentrate on it at the moment.
> 
> Family
> - I have a pretty good relationship with my parents, they are elderly and slowing down. They live interstate. My wife however has a toxic hatred for my mother, I’ve never really understood why. The only two arguments I ever saw were my mother who is very sensitive, reacting badly to the way my wife said something. My wife has a habit of being exceedingly blunt. Now I have to almost call my parents in secret so as to not upset her.
> - I have a good relationship with the inlaws, however I would note that my wife’s mother is a very blunt and direct person, and her father is almost disconnected emotionally. He is an amazing guy, he used to be a professional scientist and has a level of focus I’ve not seen before. My wife has a sister who treats their father terribly, the way she speaks to him and constantly puts him down is sad, I don’t know how he copes. That said the way my wife’s sister speaks to their father is increasingly similar to way my wife speaks to me. Nothing is right, everything I do is wrong.
> 
> Friends
> - I have largely withdrawn from many of my friends, so far as to say I have no independent friends, they are all ‘our friends’, they are also all married with kids so have limited time and opportunity to see them. I know I am totally withdrawn and this is a bad thing.
> 
> Self
> - I panic at having to speak to more than a few people at a time. Groups of say 5 or more and I just have to introduce myself leads to a sense of panic. This has been something I have had for many years, perhaps even high school.
> - I feel my self esteem has been slowly eroding for a few years now, I look in the mirror and feel embarrassed by who I am, and as this snowballs out of control, who I am at risk of becoming.
> 
> Current situation
> - I keep on thinking about suicide every few days, sometimes it’s about how to do it, other times it is what a goodbye letter would be and the people that would be hurt by this action. I don’t believe I will do it but the thoughts popping into my head regularly scare me.
> - I have what I would call stress or anxiety attacks. These come on at various times and in slightly different ways, but it is an overwhelming feel of hurt and anxiousness, my torso feels like it is filled with acid and being eaten away. This is quite often during the day when I can't communicate with my wife.
> - I feel I am loosing my love and so very alone.


What you are feeling is perfectly normal.

You must seek help for your suicidal thoughts.

Your doctor should be able to help you.

Lifeline 1-800-273-TALK is available to people in the USA.

In the UK and Ireland you can call the Samaritans free on 116 123.
Samaritans |

Other resources are available in various parts of the world. Google/Bing should be able to help you.

You can, of course, keep posting here. we will be here for you.


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## falconbridge

Thank you all for your words. 

Every time I walk in the room she has this look of disappointment or anger at my existence. She speaks to me in as few words as possible. I don't understand, as I haven't done anything bad (that I am aware of). Each day seems to drag on forever. Today I was super sick with food poisoning and she seemed like she couldn't care less and she drive 80miles away to a park to play with her camera and photograph animals for the day. Not that she could do much but it's something i would not have done.

I have identified financial communications as a major issue for us. We are in a reasonable position financially, however we put everything on the credit card for the month and then pay off the whole thing at the end of the month. Since September last year we have been spending more than we make, the expenditure is all understandable but I wanted to cut back a,little and a few times she said about buying stuff and I said I wasn't comfortable with it until credit card was square again. She hit the roof saying she had never denied me anything. Trouble is I am the only one who looks at the credit card, she has never ever looked at it forcing me to be the credit card police. I have suggested we need to get her another login (old one expired from not being used) and she couldn't care less.

I am seeing IC for first time on Monday, I am pinning many hopes on this.

I haven't told her I am going to IC, but I wonder if I should, not to make her feel bad but to let her know I am super serious to understand and fix anything about me or my behaviour.


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## Vinnydee

OK, thanks for the info. Most just ask for advice and tell us little. Where do I start? I too am in IT and went through some of the things you are having problems with. Let's start with dead end job. I had a few of those and quit them. It was hard because no one likes going on interviews and being turned down and we all seem to minimize what we bring to the table. We worry if we will succeed or even like our new jobs. I made the change after 5 years of going nowhere and I made more money by changing. I quickly learned that the fastest way to make more money is to change jobs. No one really cares anymore how many jobs you had or how long you stayed there. I have had 8 or more jobs in 45 years and the one I have now consumed about 25 of those years and is the second time I am working for the same company. The big difference is that now I get 25% of the profits. I had to leave and hold out for 3 years while I took on some jobs I hated, but paid very well, but in the end I make lots more money, work at home from a tropical location and get paid for 5 days but only work 3 in the summer and 4 in the winter. Plus the profit split. I used to be loyal to my employer until I found out that we are all disposable. Bottom line is what counts. I believe that my job is always to be looking for a better job. When I get a new job I update my resume and post it on all the job searching sites. I did got a job paying a lot of money that way. They chased me and finally asked what it would take for me to work with them. I blew them off with some ridiculous wage and they accepted. Then when I was interviewed, somehow they thought I told them I wanted $25K more than I had really asked for and I did not correct them. Employers will try to pay their people as little as they can. 

My current company if filled with many people whose only job was with us and they are not ambitious, do not ask or try for promotions and are happy with whatever we pay them. We try to be fair of course, but we do not know their financial needs better than they do unless they speak up. So start looking for a new job. I have moved 13 times to get to my dream job and substantially increased my income during the process. We got to live in different States for a few years, made new friends and explored our new cities. It brought my wife and I closer since we only had each other when we moved, so we became best friends. My wife mentioned this just tonight and remarked ath we were each other's only friends many times. We also had cats, 3 of them, and moved them with us each time. Now I have one dog. No kids here either so I was free to accept jobs anywhere I wanted to. It prevented us from falling into a rut and kept things new and fresh.

As to not noticing your wife. I am the opposite. My wife tells me that I smother her with attention and love. I will always notice a tag sticking out and compliment my wife every chance I get. She is my world. I have left jobs because she was unhappy about the new place we lived. However, she recognized that I was building a career and that meant being away for a few months each year. She put up with it and never complained. In fact, we both got used to having a lot of alone time. Sometimes too much togetherness is not good.  Take an interest in your wife. Ask her about her day, her plans, her wants, etc.. That is just mental discipline and easy to learn. I have known a few cheating wives in my time and their biggest reason for cheating was that their husbands took them for granted, did not make them feel desirable and did not take them anyplace where they can get all dressed up and be admired by others. Nothing is as good for an ego than to have others look at you with desire in their eyes. So make the effort to make your wife feel like she did when you dated.

I have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances. Currently I am devoting most of my time to my work so that I can retire in a few years. It has paid off handsomely so far. I am, or used to be, very social when we planted roots for more than a few years. I had a group of friends to hang out with, but since I grew old, I am enjoying life by myself for a change. 

The first time I was asked unexpectedly to speak to a large crowd I had to hold on to the podium to keep from falling. My legs felt like rubber and I thought that my voice was shaky. People said I did a good job, but I was scared out of my mind. However, my job required that I not only speak before large groups, but also convince large companies to pay my company large sums for our services. Over time I gained confidence and could speak to an auditorium of Kodak employees and meet with politicians like Ted Kennedy, Mayors, CEO's of Fortune 500 companies and government leaders all over Europe and Asia. Now my wife cannot shut me up. The secret was knowing what you are talking about and realizing that even if you know a little more than your audience, they will look at you as an expert, especially if you call yourself one.  Self confidence will not only take you far in life but women find it sexy. I had ample opportunities to cheat on my wife while overseas, but I turned them all down. If that was not hard enough, prospective subcontractors where always trying to throw women, money, boats, trips, etc. at me to gain favor. I never took anything from anyone because I want to be me and not owing favors to others.

I learned a very valuable life lesson. The greatest skill you can have to succeed, is to be able to sell yourself and/or your ideas. I was hired for every job I interviewed for and I sometimes interviewed for jobs I did not want just to see if they would make me an offer or for practice. Over time I volunteered for projects that would look good on my resume and completed them. That made me more and more valuable. So know your stuff and push yourself to speak before groups. If needed, have your doctor prescribe Xanax to get rid of the anxiety. I still keep some around. I often put myself in positions that made me uncomfortable or that I feared, so that I had to do what I did not want to do, but would be good for me in the end. Heck, I volunteered to go to Vietnam just to make sure that I had courage. That gave me a lot of self confidence until I entered the business world and had to learn a whole new set of skills. My self confidence did help in a way though. It told me that I could learn and fit into my new environment.

I believe that you can be happy without a lot of friends, or any. Being a loner is often viewed as a problem, but it gives you freedom. No more compromising on what restaurant to eat at or movie to see. No getting caught up in the petty disagreements that occur in a group of friends who get too involved in each other's business. I am free to do anything I want or nothing at all. After a lifetime of travel I am enjoying staying at home and not running to catch a plane or glad handing people I do not like. I live in a very large retirement community with 2,000 clubs to join so if I want companionship, it is easy to find. I just do not like joining anything. In a group you have to do what the majority wants to do and that is like two wolves and a lamb deciding what to eat for lunch.

One morning after working 7 months for a company that paid me enough to start looking for small mansions, I realized that I hated the job. Loved the money but I quit that day. I could not work at a job I did not like, for a person I did not like. I found a small company that paid me a third of what I was making, moved into a smaller house and have been happy ever since. My point is to do what it takes job wise to make you happy. If you are happy at your job, your life will be happy. The problem with some people is that they are not willing to do what it takes to get what they want. I do not let life bend me to its will. I try, and often succeed in bending life to my will because I will do whatever it takes to do so.

If you love your wife as I do mine, pay more attention to her. Do things to make her feel appreciated and desired and most of all, consider her needs and wants in every decision you make that affects her in any way. We have never done anything that the other was against. We always compromised or did not do it. People tell my wife that she is lucky to have a husband like me who is so obviously in love with her, and who wants to make her happy. Be like me and many other husbands out there. Show your wife that she is the center of your world. I gave up finishing college to take care of my wife who fell ill on the first night of our honeymoon. Most newlyweds do not call a doctor on the first day they arrive at a hotel. I did. I tried working 3 part time jobs but it was not enough so I had to quit college and my dream of going into IT, to support my wife and care for her. She never forgot that. I did eventually get the IT job of my dreams but I went about it the long way. I would write software for myself or the company even though it was not my job to do so. I started to have software companies ask me to work with them in return for free software for my company. That led to a full time job in IT at the same company I was hired to do a different job. I am in a good position of knowing all facets of my industry and how to design software for it. I found a niche that made my skills valuable and desirable. Find your niche and become the best you can at it. I am more qualified and better at the profession I had before I went into IT. I was picked as the alternate to a U.N. advisor who was in his 80's and could no longer travel much. I reached the top of my profession and having done so, disappeared to work for a small company with less stress and not forgetting what country I was waking up in or glad handing people I did not like.

I do not want to write a book and this is already too long. I just want to advise you to put your wife and marriage above all else. We did not have a monogamous marriage and yet my wife and I always put each other at the top of our priorities. We never worried about each other running off with a new lover or getting jealous. We had that close of a bond with each other that is still going strong 44 years later. Jobs come and go as do friends, but if you want someone who will be by your side when you are sick and need help, a loving wife is the best choice. Make her feel special and you will be rewarded ten fold. One more thing. I spoke to my doctor and learned that I was depressed. Depression is not like you see on TV or the Movies most of the time. It takes many forms and degrees. Once I was treated, I felt better about everything and my wife noticed the change in me and liked it. 

It took effort to keep a 44 year marriage alive and loving. Our methods may not be to the liking of most people, but they worked very well for us and we are still in love. I got engaged to my wife 3 weeks after we met. It was truly love at first sight and we still do not know why.  I wish you luck. Working on your marriage is the easiest problem to solve. Finding another job is not that difficult if you keep trying. It is just a matter of playing the odds. I got a new job during a recession when companies were letting people go because I could handle the job of two executives for the price of 1 1/2. That is how I sold myself and it worked. The company saved money and I made more money. 

I used to be shy and withdrawn. I was often criticized by my employers about that, so I made an effort to change and I did. I am a hustler in life. I owned my own home, nice sports car and was married by the time I was 21. My friends were still in college and I was a branch manager. They all eventually came to work for me.  They all divorced their first wives, but not me. Most called me immoral for my non traditional marriage, but they are the ones who divorced and cheated, which is against their religion, so that is the pot calling the kettle black. 

My wife discovered her bisexuality after we were married. She was a virgin when I met her. I loved her enough to accommodate her need for a woman in her life, and she did it in a way that included me rather than cheat on me with women. It worked for me and in the end I had two women who loved me and whom I loved back. Funny thing is that I thought of my life as normal because it was the way I loved for most of it. It has been a fantastic life and a lot of fun. Good luck and work on bending life to your liking rather than being boxed it by it. Not having harmony at home can ruin your job, happiness and many other areas of your life. So work on that the most. From that foundation you can build the rest.


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## katiecrna

If you feel like hurting yourself please get help. Emotions waver back and forth and if you feel like your going to harm yourself know that it will pass and If you can't see the light call for help. 

My mother was having a breakdown and said she didn't trust herself and thought she was going to harm herself or my dad. She didn't even trust herself driving. She walked to the hospital and had herself committed. This was a voluntary thing so she would leave at anytime. It was the best thing she did. She knew when too much was too much and she couldn't handle it and she got help. It's been 20 years later and she is doing great and happily married to my dad still.


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## Spicy

Honey, first off, here is a great big HUGE cyber hug for you.
You really sound like such a sweet man.
Be sure to follow up with your doctor about meds to help your sadness and any suicidal thoughts.
Get your parents involved. Tell them how you feel and what is going on. You need them, and they WANT to know you are going through this. Trust me, I kept my parents out of the loop and it was a huge mistake.

The way she is acting makes me think these two things:

1.) She is hiding something from you, it could me smaller like flirting, it could be an emotional affair, it could be physical.
2.) They way she is treating you is the way women act when they are done in a relationship. You are being frozen out.

Of course I could be completely wrong, but that is what my gut tells me after reading your post.
Let us continue to help you sweetheart. I wish you the best.


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## falconbridge

Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.

Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways. 

I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel. 

So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues. 
- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.

Again thank you


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## Spicy

The coworker sounds like a huge problem. You may have your answer right there. Social media and texting apps and the like are such a breeding ground for easy affairs. If they are discussing his sex life, that relationship has gotten too familiar and needs to stop. Don't tolerate your wife to dating her coworker during her lunches and breaks. That is not appropriate for either of them. Tell your wife this. I am certian his wife will agree. My guess is they are way more invovlved than you know. Maybe she is trying to break it to you slowly as she waits for him to ditch the mother of his babies. Don't allow yourself to be a doormat. Stand up for what is right. She has told you these things. Tell her you want this to all stop immediately. Also do what others have suggested as far as seeing what else she is up too via VAR, phone records, and snooping on her phone and social media.

Since you are unsure if she even wants to stay married, I wouldn't start doing major life altering things at this point. Work on yourself, yes, but changing your education and employment to attempt to make her happy, no.

I see no harm in telling her you are very concerned for your marriage, and are going to actively seek help to make it stronger. Invite her to marriage counseling also.

I wish I was getting a better vibe on this for you.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.
> 
> Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a *guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking*. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.
> 
> I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel.
> 
> So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
> - do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
> - do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
> - do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
> - also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.
> 
> Again thank you


*she's in an affair.* a blind person could see this. Better wake up to what you're dealing with.

In order to justify it she is picking all your faults to justify her actions. Very typical. She didn't just got to a park to take pictures it was probably a meet up with the other man. An IC won't help you with the affair. As long as it's going on this is how you'll be treated. An affair trumps everything.

If you want to try and save this the affair has to end. You're only choice is *exposure* to the other mans wife. *You do this without warning.* call his wife up and tell her what's going on. Let them deal with the consequences.

If you just want out of the marriage file for divorce.

What you are currently doing is nothing. No one is going to do anything for you. You'll have to stand up and do it yourself. Being weak at this time will just put you in worse shape. You'd better get strong quick they are way ahead of you.

Read up 
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=pwd5jRHr04CJhnDEHk3haOzEVS4-


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## Marc878

Crying, begging or pleading is the worst thing you can do at this time.
MC in an active affair is worthless. I doubt she'd even go. 

Most betrayed spouses want to live in denial of what's going on or make huge lists of excuses (like you have) that dance around the main issue. *She's stepping out with another man*.

Better wake up to what you're dealing with


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## jorgegene

Dude, although you may have some serious problems with your wife,
you've got a lot going for you.

you've got to see that.

lots of education. An accomplished career. Good coin. No serious money issues.
you've got a good future. Lots of people would trade places with you in a flash.

but dont make the mistake a lot of people make and live to work instead of working
to live unless its truly your passion and not at the expence of your marriage.
is that how things got away from you to begin with?

I agree with the others, your old lady is acting squirley and you need to get to the bottom of it.


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## falconbridge

Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support. 

I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'. She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us. 

I told her I am going to see IC by myself as she is so important to me, she is welcome to come or go by herself, whatever. She didn't really respond to this. 

jorgegene - you are right, I have been a very lucky person.

Thanks again, I'm sorry for loading my issues on others, I have never dealt with anything close to this magnitude before. I feel more settled than a few days ago, but still hurt like hell.


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## Marc878

If you bury your head in the sand and ignore what's going on with her boyfriend you won't be doing yourself any good here sport.

Helping hide her affair will only enable it.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support.
> 
> I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'. She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us.
> 
> I guess that makes it ok to have a boyfriend on the side? Really?
> 
> This is just an excuse to justify what she's doing. Did you ask her about the other man?
> 
> I told her I am going to see IC by myself as she is so important to me, she is welcome to come or go by herself, whatever. She didn't really respond to this.
> 
> You can't do this alone. She is either in or out.
> 
> jorgegene - you are right, I have been a very lucky person.
> 
> Thanks again, I'm sorry for loading my issues on others, I have never dealt with anything close to this magnitude before. I feel more settled than a few days ago, but still hurt like hell.
> 
> No one is prepared for this. You are right to seek out help. However, this won't just go away. You can't make her do anything but do not stay in this if she's not willing to work with you. It'll just prolong your stay in limbo hell.


Working on yourself and making you into a better man is a good thing but it won't matter much if the other man is in the mix.

Unless you end that you don't stand much of a chance. Don't let your weakness define you. This is your life and future too.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Thanks so much for responses, it's odd to feel words from strangers on the internet can be such a support.
> 
> I have confronted her this afternoon, about how she is feeling and did she want to discuss it. She welled up and told me we have been drifting apart for a few years and I didn't see it. She said she looks forward to talking to people at work more than me. *She did go on to say that she has thought of moving out to 'find herself'.* She said she didn't live by herself for long enough before moving in with me (she lived with her folks until late 20's), by herself for about a year and then in with me, we had been dating for 2 years at that point. She feels she has taken on the role of 'wife' and lost her identity, the essence of who she is, that combined with drifting apart has broken us.


*Separation is usually to be availble to spend more time with an affair partner.*

No marriage is perfect we all have issues to work on and I'm sure from reading your post she isn't perfect either is she? Did you got out and establish a relationship with another woman because of it?


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## falconbridge

Marc878 - I must admit I thought your replies were a little direct, however this evening she has told me that there are people in her industry that she looks forward to talking to each day because she has so much in common with them and can talk about work things. It was the way she said it that makes me think there isn't an affair as such, more an emotional flirting attraction to the point of her questioning her future with me, which still feels like cheating. So I think you might be right. 

This has been the only significant relationship in my life. 

I have a question I would like to air, we have some friends (married couple) who have had their own dramas over the years, anyway I rang them and talked to them a bit today as was feeling pretty low, and I said I am not looking for them to take sides or anything, but I value any guidance, insight etc they can give to both of us. I didn't tell my wife I spoke to them. I know it puts them in the middle, but just speaking to them gave me a few hours of relief and a sense of calmness for awhile. Anyway I said to my wife she should contact them and she said no, and that she had confided in them around her feelings a few years ago which I didn't know, but now she says no because they are a mutual friend. Have I done the wrong thing and talk to them?

Hurting again at the moment, but thank you for your words I appreciate it.


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## Marc878

No you need support anywhere you can get it. Close friends, family, if you can find a good IC. Some are not great so be carefull.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Marc878 - I must admit I thought your replies were a little direct, however this evening *she has told me that there are people in her industry that she looks forward to talking to each day because she has so much in common with them and can talk about work things. It was the way she said it that makes me think there isn't an affair as such, more an emotional flirting attraction* to the point of her questioning her future with me, which still feels like cheating. So I think you might be right.
> 
> 
> An emotional affair is cheating!!! If they have contact it becomes a physical affair very quickly. Trust your gut instincts they are usually correct.
> 
> Every Betrayed spouse that is in this stage doesn't want to believe in an affair. Upfront they all for the most part just can't. or they want to believe it's just an emotional affair.
> 
> It's a state of denial. That way they don't have to do anything. Look, you're in shock I get that. I'm direct because I want you to see the obvious.
> 
> This has been the only significant relationship in my life.
> 
> I have a question I would like to air, we have some friends (married couple) who have had their own dramas over the years, anyway I rang them and talked to them a bit today as was feeling pretty low, and I said I am not looking for them to take sides or anything, but I value any guidance, insight etc they can give to both of us. I didn't tell my wife I spoke to them. I know it puts them in the middle, but just speaking to them gave me a few hours of relief and a sense of calmness for awhile. Anyway I said to my wife she should contact them and she said no, and that she had confided in them around her feelings a few years ago which I didn't know, but now she says no because they are a mutual friend. Have I done the wrong thing and talk to them?
> 
> Hurting again at the moment, but thank you for your words I appreciate it.


What did your friends say? I suspect your wife doesn't want them involved because either the wife may know or she's affraid of what may be discovered.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Thank you all for your words.
> 
> Every time I walk in the room she has this look of disappointment or anger at my existence. She speaks to me in as few words as possible. I don't understand, as I haven't done anything bad (that I am aware of). Each day seems to drag on forever. Today I was super sick with food poisoning and she seemed like she couldn't care less and she drive 80miles away to a park to play with her camera and photograph animals for the day. Not that she could do much but it's something i would not have done.
> 
> I have identified financial communications as a major issue for us. We are in a reasonable position financially, however we put everything on the credit card for the month and then pay off the whole thing at the end of the month. *Since September last year we have been spending more than we make, the expenditure is all understandable but I wanted to cut back a,little and a few times she said about buying stuff and I said I wasn't comfortable with it until credit card was square again. She hit the roof saying she had never denied me anything.* Trouble is I am the only one who looks at the credit card, she has never ever looked at it forcing me to be the credit card police. I have suggested we need to get her another login (old one expired from not being used) and she couldn't care less.
> 
> I am seeing IC for first time on Monday, I am pinning many hopes on this.
> 
> I haven't told her I am going to IC, but I wonder if I should, not to make her feel bad but to let her know I am super serious to understand and fix anything about me or my behaviour.


Check what the $'s are being spent on. I suspect it's mainly her?


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## Marc878

You appear to be walking on eggshells and living in fear. This will make you look weak and unnattractive.

My friend this is your life too. You'd better get strong fast. Laying back and worrying is going to fix this.

Read up
http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=pqfmH_MtEYZrgU9noaMGVnw_Q2k-


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## Marc878

Does this raise any red flags to you?

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=A0LE...ting.htm/RK=0/RS=29sBEOoDGdXGL_yBG.l9rWcaJes-


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## Marc878

If were you I'd start digging. If this is an affair you have no chance at working on your marriage until it ends. The truth will also be hard to get. If that is the case. 

"We're just friends" is the biggest lie told.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ce-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence+post


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## 225985

Marc878 said:


> *she's in an affair.* a blind person could see this. Better wake up to what you're dealing with.
> 
> In order to justify it she is picking all your faults to justify her actions. Very typical. She didn't just got to a park to take pictures it was probably a meet up with the other man. An IC won't help you with the affair. As long as it's going on this is how you'll be treated. An affair trumps everything.
> 
> If you want to try and save this the affair has to end. You're only choice is *exposure* to the other mans wife. *You do this without warning.* call his wife up and tell her what's going on. Let them deal with the consequences.
> 
> If you just want out of the marriage file for divorce.
> 
> What you are currently doing is nothing. No one is going to do anything for you. You'll have to stand up and do it yourself. Being weak at this time will just put you in worse shape. You'd better get strong quick they are way ahead of you.
> 
> Read up
> []



Falcon,

I 100% agree with @Marc878. At a minimum it's a full emotional affair. 

The coworker wants in your wife's pants. From experience, i was like that coworker. 

Why are we SO sure? These mostly always follow the same pattern. The same acts. The same words. And we here have experienced them too. On both sides. 

Marc has given you great advice. Follow ALL of it.


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## Chaparral

Farmer dude is either plowing your field or getting ready to. You post is nearly identical to thousands of threads here. Unfortunately, your reaction is identical to thousands of betrayed men here. Yes, it's hard to believe.

What's even harder is usually the IT guys are usually on top of things knowing what is going on because they have already started monitoring what their wife is doing.

So far you are doing the opposite of everything you need to do to save the marriage. It's likely however that the result of ignoring the obvious, you will be rid of a cheating wife soon. Being rid of a cheater is a good thing.


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## Marc878

Chaparral said:


> Farmer dude is either plowing your field or getting ready to. * You post is nearly identical to thousands of threads here. Unfortunately, your reaction is identical to thousands of betrayed men here*. Yes, it's hard to believe.
> 
> What's even harder is usually the IT guys are usually on top of things knowing what is going on because they have already started monitoring what their wife is doing.
> 
> *So far you are doing the opposite of everything you need to do to save the marriage*. It's likely however that the result of ignoring the obvious, you will be rid of a cheating wife soon. Being rid of a cheater is a good thing.


Yep.

What do you want? Better figure it out and get started. They are way ahead of you.

If you can't get strong and stand up for yourself you lose. Weakness and fear at this time will get you divorced whether you want it or not. If it's not too late already.


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## Betrayedone

Distance yourself from her.....She seems to be a lost cause and the sooner you start the 180 and begin working on your own physical and psychological welfare the better off you will be. If she comes around and sees improvement in you so be it. Fretting about your every move around her will eat you alive. I read a good book called Hold On to Your Nuts that you may find helpful. Reading empowering books may help you now. Start wiping the old slate clean and take back control of your life personally and professionally. Continue to post on this site with your situation and you will lovingly be guided to a bright and happy future. There are lots of people here who want to see you succeed. It's going to be ok..........


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## falconbridge

thank you all for being there at the moment. I'm a strong person but most definitely not a tough one. 

Thank you for the links, they are both really close to the mark.

I just read this and it was like a slap in th face http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/emotional-affairs-recognizing-and-coping-with-emotional-infidelity

I am going to have to ask her flat out what is happening. Seeing IC is getting closer, and will see Dr as well. 

I keep on saying it, and I genuinely thank you all.


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. *He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about.* I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.


You already know it's at least an emotional affair. The way she's acting it's probably physical. Not unusual for the cheater to cut off intimacy with the spouse once it goes physical.

Has she removed her wedding rings?

You don't ask her what's going on you tell her what you know and ask to see her phone. Check her messages. 

IMO under the circumstances you dig first before you confront. I suspect confronting early you'll just get lies and drive it underground.

Strength is a state of mind. Do you really want to live with a woman like this?

In order to save a marriage you must be willing to end it. You have no kids and not many years invested. Is this worth it? Or is it your codependency on her?


----------



## Marc878

Dont pin your hope on IC solving this. No one is going to fix this for you. You have to step up and do it.

You mentioned in an earlier post how you were doing all the housework, taking care of etc.

Thats trying to nice her back. Guess what that gets you? Nothing. 

If you do too much you get taken for granted and lose respect. Mr Nice Guys get walked on.

A marriage should be 50/50. Do your part and expect her to do hers.

Strength is a state of mind. You'd better get some


----------



## Marc878

Can you at least check your phone bill? Why are you so affraid? This is your life, family, wife and future.

Get strong.


----------



## 225985

Don't ask her about it. She will lie. 

I am a former EA cheater. Believe me she will take it underground. Or say they are just friends. Read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. 

IC is to help you, not the marriage. Work on your anxiety and self esteem. You sound alot like me in this area. It helps. Radiating confidence will get your wife's attention. Trust us. ALL the women will say a confident guy is attractive. 

Get and read Married Mans Sex Life Primer 2012 by Athol Kay. 

Cut back on the household chores. Doing housework now lowers her opinion of you. 

I know you have little time or desire to read right now but both if those books are worth less sleep.


----------



## Malaise

falconbridge said:


> thank you all for being there at the moment. I'm a strong person but most definitely not a tough one.
> 
> Thank you for the links, they are both really close to the mark.
> 
> I just read this and it was like a slap in th face http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/emotional-affairs-recognizing-and-coping-with-emotional-infidelity
> 
> *I am going to have to ask her flat out what is happening*. Seeing IC is getting closer, and will see Dr as well.
> 
> I keep on saying it, and I genuinely thank you all.


Without any evidence, she'll just deny.

Do as @Marc878 suggests, a little investigating. So many men won't do that, to their regret later.


----------



## Marc878

Better start thinking with your head. Your heart will betray you. You have her on a pedestal. The woman I love would not do this so it must be my fault? You can't fix yourself enough if this is an affair. Nothing matters.

Would you do to her what she's doing to you? The woman your are seeing is who she is right now. The one you are so in love with is who you fantasize her to be.

I promise you this. The sun will come up in the morning and the world will not end if she runs off with farmer click. You are suffering heartbreak right now and think you'll love her forever. You won't.

You're here for a reason. Trust your gut instinct and try and leave your heart and emotions out of it.

You can't control or make her do anything but you'd better fix yourself. 

Get the facts. You have the info. I suspect at this time you're in denial and don't want to know. That won't make this better it'll be worse not knowing what's up. 

Again - Wake up!!!!!!


----------



## falconbridge

Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression. 

I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing. 

Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised. 

I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then. 

I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well. 

Thanks all.


----------



## 225985

A driver is swerving down the road. Cop pulls him over. The driver reeks of alcohol. The cop asks "how many drinks have you had". The response from the driver is "two". 

The response is ALWAYS two. No one ever admits they had eight beers. 

Eventually after the breath or blood test the truth always comes out. 

It's human nature to lie.

You're not done here. One of the biggest mistakes you can make in your life is to assume all is well now and thus leave this site.


----------



## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.
> 
> I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.
> 
> *Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else. Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.*
> 
> I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.
> 
> I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.
> 
> Thanks all.


*I hope you're right but cheaters lie a lot.*

Never, never put out an ultimatum you won't back. If you do you'll just be another doormat getting walked on,

Stop with the Mr Nice Guy "I'll do everything". That will get you disrespected faster than anything.

Better fix yourself and stand up for yourself. Just because you found out doesn't mean it'll stop.

_You should demand to see a No Contact letter to him. She writes it you send it. If she can't do that ask her to pack her crap and leave._

Do they work together? If there is continued contact the affair continues.


----------



## Marc878

Strength is attractive.

Now, is she wearing her rings, are you sleeping together intimate?

Your stand was good but your actions will speak more. Do not back down or stop. A little distance would help her.

Don't jump in and kiss her ass.


----------



## falconbridge

'Don't jump in and kiss her ass.' haha . . .sorry if this sounds weird but that is like you know me.


----------



## falconbridge

Sorry, no she is not wearing rings, she generally doesn't as she doesn't like rings on her fingers. 

We sleep in seperate rooms as I have hereditary sleep apnoea, and she doesn't like the sound of the CPAP machine. I have my weight down to 80kgs to try and do without the machine but tend to snore if I don't use it. . . this is a new thing in my life, started using the machine in September.


----------



## Marc878

Make no mistake your actions at this time will either say I'm mad but will accept you having a boyfriend or I will not accept this and move on.

Better keep your momentum. Keep going this isn't over yet.

Now what the status between you two at this time?


----------



## Marc878

Important. Get to a gym and get fit. It wouldn't hurt to update your wardrobe a bit. Keep your hair cut nicely. Look and smell good.

Don't underestimate this. 

Set a time for a date. doesnt have to be expensive. Dinner and a movie or lunch out. 

First of all make sure her other man is gone as in complete no contact if she can't do that. start the 180 no contact immediately and see an attourney. 

You must expose to other mans wife. However, I'd check the phone bill. Cheaters lie a lot. She may have given you someone else's name instead of the true guy.

You're married there is no privacy to cheat.

Get moving. You have much to do yet.


----------



## Marc878

Reflect back you came here like mist downtrodden. The world didn't end did it? Your life shouldn't depend on your wife. 

You're post always have IC or MC in it. Look, it doesn't take much common sense to know you don't screw around with others while married.

If it was me and no kids id giver about 15 minutes to make a choice me or him and if not shed get served papers on Tuesday or Wednesday and id start separating finances on Monday

You have some maturing to do. Never let someone else determine your fate.


----------



## Marc878

Did she tell you who her other man is?


----------



## Malaise

falconbridge said:


> Thanks, yes wake up seems an apt expression.
> 
> I am still boiling about some of the things I have done for her. . . she got a university qualification a few years ago, was just 4 subjects, anyway the assessment was all assignments no exams, so guess who did it all. . . yup I did the whole darn thing.
> 
> Anyway I confronted it head on in what I believe was a respectful way, there is someone else, not the person I thought but someone else.* Apparently it is just by phone and a flirting type of relationship*. I believe this to be mostly true, however the truth has likely been economised.
> 
> I have told her if it's important to her then she needs to go to IC herself, as well as MC. Also the planned vacation is off as we can't last ~10 weeks till then.
> 
> I said to her than love and marriage, in my opinion at least is about sticking with each other through the rough stuff, . . . however I will not be treated like this. I know I felt relieved to start drawing lines in the sand, and to be honest her reaction seemed to be one of initial shock (this is out of character for me) followed by what seemed to be relief as well.
> 
> Thanks all.


Of course it is.

Is he local? Long distance? Do you know his name and can you verify it? Married or single?


----------



## falconbridge

Hi all,

Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance. 

She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now. 

She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising. 

I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.


----------



## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.
> 
> *She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now. *
> 
> So she's keeping it a secret. Sounds like you're being played. No sex is one of the biggest lies told. Ask yourself this. If you hadn't suspected and pushed would she have continued the lie? Secret boyfriends in a marriage means you have not much to work with here.
> 
> *She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head.* Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are
> 
> Sounds like your are letting her make the decision to keep you or not. That's a version of the "pick me game". Doing that you will just give her 100% control. You can bet there will be plenty of contact with her other man. That's what separation is used for. Quit being so naive.
> 
> I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.
> 
> It's going to be a lot rougher than it needs to be the way you're playing this.


The ones who come out best get strong and stay there. Yep it's a shock but you are burying your head in the sand a bit.

You never thought she'd do this, right? Cheating of any kind is based on lies. You don't know anything other than what she's told you.

Like most upfront you want so badly to believe. You'll do anything to stay in a state of denial. 

Common lies:

We're just friends
It's just emotional 
Taking time away for myself
Just kissed
Only sex one time
Etc, etc, etc

If you want a chance to save this the affair has to end first. Check your phone bills and inform his wife. However, you don't want to push her away. She's already gone. You won't be the first or last to make the mistake of helping them hide their affair.

Affairs thrive in secret and dark. Exposure usually ends it. If they have contact such as work the affair will continue.

Strength is attractive weakness is not. Better wake up!!!!

No marriage is perfect neither is she. Did you go out and have an affair? Take her off the pedestal you have her on and deal with this. See her for who she is not your fantasy of her.


----------



## farsidejunky

One phone call to the OM's wife will tell you much.


----------



## Marc878

Yep, better wake up and don't help them hide their affair. Strength not weakness is what you need at this time.


----------



## Satya

Is the OM in a bad marriage because SHE said so? 

Do you have proof? 

If not, assume it's a lie. He may have told her that to draw her in OR she's telling it to you for damage control.

Always verify.


----------



## Malaise

falconbridge said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.
> 
> *She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.
> 
> *She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.
> 
> I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.


She'll cop to this because it's a lesser charge than a PA. And you feel relieved that she 'fessed up. And you'll want to move on. 

You're 'pretty sure' you know who it is. She hasn't told you? Why not? Why isn't she transparent?

OP you are too eager to accept her story.


----------



## Marc878

Satya said:


> Is the OM in a bad marriage because SHE said so?
> 
> Do you have proof?
> 
> If not, assume it's a lie. He may have told her that to draw her in OR she's telling it to you for damage control.
> 
> Always verify.


YES!!!


----------



## Marc878

malaise said:


> she'll cop to this because it's a lesser charge than a pa. And you feel relieved that she 'fessed up. And you'll want to move on.
> 
> You're 'pretty sure' you know who it is. She hasn't told you? Why not? Why isn't she transparent?
> 
> Op you are too eager to accept her story.


and yes again!!!!


----------



## Malaise

falconbridge said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Well have survived the last week, and the voices here, from across the internet, have been of such tremendous assistance.
> 
> She has admitted it is emotional cheating and probably been going on for awhile. After some initial confusion I am pretty sure I know who it is and they are married with kids and in an unhappy marriage themselves, so she is going to feel trapped right now.
> 
> *She has gone away for the weekend to spend time with another friend (verified) to clear her head*. Funny thing is I am sat at home this weekend and feel the most surreal calmness and possibly more settled than I have felt in months. It feels the shock is passing and, while I am still committed to the relationship, that is the promise I made and I will keep, the contingent plans for the future are crystallising.
> 
> I am sure there is a rough road ahead but for the moment I wanted to say thank you to the people who responded to my at times odd posts, and to those who have posted previously in various threads it has all been of huge assistance, more than I could have imagined from an internet forum.


You can verify it's a friend but...

Did the friend know of the affair? Is the friend an enabler of the affair? Will she be with friend all weekend, and can you prove it?


Will she use the time to 'clear her head' or to get her story straight? To talk to OM?

By not identifying OM she's protecting him. You see that, right?


----------



## Citylinesox

Vinnydee said:


> OK, thanks for the info. Most just ask for advice and tell us little. Where do I start? I too am in IT and went through some of the things you are having problems with. Let's start with dead end job. I had a few of those and quit them. It was hard because no one likes going on interviews and being turned down and we all seem to minimize what we bring to the table. We worry if we will succeed or even like our new jobs. I made the change after 5 years of going nowhere and I made more money by changing. I quickly learned that the fastest way to make more money is to change jobs. No one really cares anymore how many jobs you had or how long you stayed there. I have had 8 or more jobs in 45 years and the one I have now consumed about 25 of those years and is the second time I am working for the same company. The big difference is that now I get 25% of the profits. I had to leave and hold out for 3 years while I took on some jobs I hated, but paid very well, but in the end I make lots more money, work at home from a tropical location and get paid for 5 days but only work 3 in the summer and 4 in the winter. Plus the profit split. I used to be loyal to my employer until I found out that we are all disposable. Bottom line is what counts. I believe that my job is always to be looking for a better job. When I get a new job I update my resume and post it on all the job searching sites. I did got a job paying a lot of money that way. They chased me and finally asked what it would take for me to work with them. I blew them off with some ridiculous wage and they accepted. Then when I was interviewed, somehow they thought I told them I wanted $25K more than I had really asked for and I did not correct them. Employers will try to pay their people as little as they can.
> 
> My current company if filled with many people whose only job was with us and they are not ambitious, do not ask or try for promotions and are happy with whatever we pay them. We try to be fair of course, but we do not know their financial needs better than they do unless they speak up. So start looking for a new job. I have moved 13 times to get to my dream job and substantially increased my income during the process. We got to live in different States for a few years, made new friends and explored our new cities. It brought my wife and I closer since we only had each other when we moved, so we became best friends. My wife mentioned this just tonight and remarked ath we were each other's only friends many times. We also had cats, 3 of them, and moved them with us each time. Now I have one dog. No kids here either so I was free to accept jobs anywhere I wanted to. It prevented us from falling into a rut and kept things new and fresh.
> 
> As to not noticing your wife. I am the opposite. My wife tells me that I smother her with attention and love. I will always notice a tag sticking out and compliment my wife every chance I get. She is my world. I have left jobs because she was unhappy about the new place we lived. However, she recognized that I was building a career and that meant being away for a few months each year. She put up with it and never complained. In fact, we both got used to having a lot of alone time. Sometimes too much togetherness is not good.  Take an interest in your wife. Ask her about her day, her plans, her wants, etc.. That is just mental discipline and easy to learn. I have known a few cheating wives in my time and their biggest reason for cheating was that their husbands took them for granted, did not make them feel desirable and did not take them anyplace where they can get all dressed up and be admired by others. Nothing is as good for an ego than to have others look at you with desire in their eyes. So make the effort to make your wife feel like she did when you dated.
> 
> I have no friends at the moment, just acquaintances. Currently I am devoting most of my time to my work so that I can retire in a few years. It has paid off handsomely so far. I am, or used to be, very social when we planted roots for more than a few years. I had a group of friends to hang out with, but since I grew old, I am enjoying life by myself for a change.
> 
> The first time I was asked unexpectedly to speak to a large crowd I had to hold on to the podium to keep from falling. My legs felt like rubber and I thought that my voice was shaky. People said I did a good job, but I was scared out of my mind. However, my job required that I not only speak before large groups, but also convince large companies to pay my company large sums for our services. Over time I gained confidence and could speak to an auditorium of Kodak employees and meet with politicians like Ted Kennedy, Mayors, CEO's of Fortune 500 companies and government leaders all over Europe and Asia. Now my wife cannot shut me up. The secret was knowing what you are talking about and realizing that even if you know a little more than your audience, they will look at you as an expert, especially if you call yourself one.  Self confidence will not only take you far in life but women find it sexy. I had ample opportunities to cheat on my wife while overseas, but I turned them all down. If that was not hard enough, prospective subcontractors where always trying to throw women, money, boats, trips, etc. at me to gain favor. I never took anything from anyone because I want to be me and not owing favors to others.
> 
> I learned a very valuable life lesson. The greatest skill you can have to succeed, is to be able to sell yourself and/or your ideas. I was hired for every job I interviewed for and I sometimes interviewed for jobs I did not want just to see if they would make me an offer or for practice. Over time I volunteered for projects that would look good on my resume and completed them. That made me more and more valuable. So know your stuff and push yourself to speak before groups. If needed, have your doctor prescribe Xanax to get rid of the anxiety. I still keep some around. I often put myself in positions that made me uncomfortable or that I feared, so that I had to do what I did not want to do, but would be good for me in the end. Heck, I volunteered to go to Vietnam just to make sure that I had courage. That gave me a lot of self confidence until I entered the business world and had to learn a whole new set of skills. My self confidence did help in a way though. It told me that I could learn and fit into my new environment.
> 
> I believe that you can be happy without a lot of friends, or any. Being a loner is often viewed as a problem, but it gives you freedom. No more compromising on what restaurant to eat at or movie to see. No getting caught up in the petty disagreements that occur in a group of friends who get too involved in each other's business. I am free to do anything I want or nothing at all. After a lifetime of travel I am enjoying staying at home and not running to catch a plane or glad handing people I do not like. I live in a very large retirement community with 2,000 clubs to join so if I want companionship, it is easy to find. I just do not like joining anything. In a group you have to do what the majority wants to do and that is like two wolves and a lamb deciding what to eat for lunch.
> 
> One morning after working 7 months for a company that paid me enough to start looking for small mansions, I realized that I hated the job. Loved the money but I quit that day. I could not work at a job I did not like, for a person I did not like. I found a small company that paid me a third of what I was making, moved into a smaller house and have been happy ever since. My point is to do what it takes job wise to make you happy. If you are happy at your job, your life will be happy. The problem with some people is that they are not willing to do what it takes to get what they want. I do not let life bend me to its will. I try, and often succeed in bending life to my will because I will do whatever it takes to do so.
> 
> If you love your wife as I do mine, pay more attention to her. Do things to make her feel appreciated and desired and most of all, consider her needs and wants in every decision you make that affects her in any way. We have never done anything that the other was against. We always compromised or did not do it. People tell my wife that she is lucky to have a husband like me who is so obviously in love with her, and who wants to make her happy. Be like me and many other husbands out there. Show your wife that she is the center of your world. I gave up finishing college to take care of my wife who fell ill on the first night of our honeymoon. Most newlyweds do not call a doctor on the first day they arrive at a hotel. I did. I tried working 3 part time jobs but it was not enough so I had to quit college and my dream of going into IT, to support my wife and care for her. She never forgot that. I did eventually get the IT job of my dreams but I went about it the long way. I would write software for myself or the company even though it was not my job to do so. I started to have software companies ask me to work with them in return for free software for my company. That led to a full time job in IT at the same company I was hired to do a different job. I am in a good position of knowing all facets of my industry and how to design software for it. I found a niche that made my skills valuable and desirable. Find your niche and become the best you can at it. I am more qualified and better at the profession I had before I went into IT. I was picked as the alternate to a U.N. advisor who was in his 80's and could no longer travel much. I reached the top of my profession and having done so, disappeared to work for a small company with less stress and not forgetting what country I was waking up in or glad handing people I did not like.
> 
> I do not want to write a book and this is already too long. I just want to advise you to put your wife and marriage above all else. We did not have a monogamous marriage and yet my wife and I always put each other at the top of our priorities. We never worried about each other running off with a new lover or getting jealous. We had that close of a bond with each other that is still going strong 44 years later. Jobs come and go as do friends, but if you want someone who will be by your side when you are sick and need help, a loving wife is the best choice. Make her feel special and you will be rewarded ten fold. One more thing. I spoke to my doctor and learned that I was depressed. Depression is not like you see on TV or the Movies most of the time. It takes many forms and degrees. Once I was treated, I felt better about everything and my wife noticed the change in me and liked it.
> 
> It took effort to keep a 44 year marriage alive and loving. Our methods may not be to the liking of most people, but they worked very well for us and we are still in love. I got engaged to my wife 3 weeks after we met. It was truly love at first sight and we still do not know why.  I wish you luck. Working on your marriage is the easiest problem to solve. Finding another job is not that difficult if you keep trying. It is just a matter of playing the odds. I got a new job during a recession when companies were letting people go because I could handle the job of two executives for the price of 1 1/2. That is how I sold myself and it worked. The company saved money and I made more money.
> 
> I used to be shy and withdrawn. I was often criticized by my employers about that, so I made an effort to change and I did. I am a hustler in life. I owned my own home, nice sports car and was married by the time I was 21. My friends were still in college and I was a branch manager. They all eventually came to work for me.  They all divorced their first wives, but not me. Most called me immoral for my non traditional marriage, but they are the ones who divorced and cheated, which is against their religion, so that is the pot calling the kettle black.
> 
> My wife discovered her bisexuality after we were married. She was a virgin when I met her. I loved her enough to accommodate her need for a woman in her life, and she did it in a way that included me rather than cheat on me with women. It worked for me and in the end I had two women who loved me and whom I loved back. Funny thing is that I thought of my life as normal because it was the way I loved for most of it. It has been a fantastic life and a lot of fun. Good luck and work on bending life to your liking rather than being boxed it by it. Not having harmony at home can ruin your job, happiness and many other areas of your life. So work on that the most. From that foundation you can build the rest.




What a nice story and great advice.



Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## Marc878

How's it going?


----------



## WorkingWife

falconbridge said:


> Again, thank you all for the responses, I value them a lot.
> 
> Spicy- you could be right, she has always fancied herself as a country girl and there is a guy at her work who is a farmer and while they work in different areas it sounds like in the work environment (morning tea, lunch, afternoon tea) they are inseparable, and he is the guy she is constantly texting & facebooking. He is married with 2 kids but my wife has let it slip they they are unhappy in their marriage and details of their sex life (frequency etc) that I don't think it is normal to talk about. I expect the conversation to have gone two ways.
> 
> I guess this is another problem, as much as he is married, I am sure I am being evaluated against him, or at least that is the way I feel.
> 
> So many thoughts swimming around in my head:
> - do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long
> - do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure
> - do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues.
> - also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure.
> 
> Again thank you


It sounds like she either is having an affair with this guy, or wants to. Either way, she is infatuated with the fantasy of him and comparing that to the reality of you, and that is a no win for the real human (you).

When people are having an affair, or even just making this unfair comparison in their mind, they rewrite reality to where their spouse is this huge disappointment and suddenly nothing you do is write. The problem is, if this is what's happening, there is nothing you can do until she stops the affair (real or mental) with this other guy. Everything you do will be irritating. Everything he does will be golden. It's how a person justifies what they're doing to themselves, by painting their spouse as the problem. But the problem is that she is betraying you.

Good job with the IC. I don't know if you should tell her or not. I kind of think not, at least not at first. But you could talk to your counselor about that.

I can't recall if you saw your Dr. yet or not but please do. Anti-depressants can help you get through this time so much. Just remember that no matter what you feel right now, it is temporary. Hopefully your marriage will recover, but even if it doesn't, people get divorced all the time and go on to be happy people no matter how painful the divorce. (When you're going through hell, just keep going.)

You sound like a really great guy. Smart, good job, hard working, take care of yourself physically, care about your wife, etc. OMG, you are a *major * catch in today's market place of men. Things like not noticing sleep on an eye or a tag sticking out? Stupid. She is playing a game you simply cannot win. It sounds like she feels neglected, but she will always be able to find something you didn't notice.

Your specific Questions:

_- do I try and hang in there till June and hope holiday repairs things - I doubt it can last that long_
The holiday cannot _*repair *_things. It may make you happy for a week or two but once it's over everything will go back to the status quo.

_- do I cancel the study to devote more time to her - traps me in current role, and she has already frozen me out so not sure_
*How much time are you currently spending together?* Women usually need a lot more one on one time than men do to feel connected. Also, did you decide on this continued study together? Does she show signs of resenting it? It sounds like she's having an affair (even if it's just in her mind) but if not, then she sounds like she feels neglected and invisible to you. If she is having an affair, spending time together won't work until you have killed the affair. But if she is just neglected, spending time together can be the answer. Please read this:
The Policy of Unidivided Attention


_- do I just try and find another job - down side there is I'm paid pretty well for what I do so anything else is going to be less, which still leaves the spending issues._
If you are miserable I would try to find another job. You don't have to walk out of your current job until you find something you like. Who knows, you might find the perfect job for you, or job shopping may even help you like your current better. I would talk with her about how miserable you are and your desire to find something else. I wouldn't just take a significantly lower paying job w/out discussing it first. You can also explain you want more time to spend with her over more money.

_- also do I tell her I am going to see IC as I a serious about understanding my contribution to the problem. It may come across badly , not sure._
Not sure - I'd see the IC and ask him/her.

Check out this whole website - including their surviving an affair side. You will make it through this one way or another. Please hang in there and remember this will pass. Get to a Dr. ASAP, and a hospital if necessary. This WILL pass.
Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice


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## falconbridge

Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor. 

She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this. 

She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). . ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into. 

Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.

She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term. 

If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today. 

I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn. 

So the ball is in her court so to speak, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.


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## Marc878

Double post


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## Marc878

falconbridge said:


> Thanks all for the messages. This situation is still evolving. We are still living under the same roof but barely. She has said she wants time by herself to work out who she is and get the noise out of her head. There are issues, pretty major ones going back to childhood she is working through with her counsellor.
> 
> She has finally spoken to a shared friend who explained to her that she would be repeating things back to me, indeed anything I say the friend will repeat back to her which is great as I am an open book with all this.
> 
> *She confirmed to the friend the individual I thought she was having an emotional affair with (married guy with two kids, one of them 12months old) has been going on for quite awhile (years). .* ..however the friend also added that this is not the guy I should worry about, there is another parallel emotional relationship that is more developed, still not physical. It is with a single guy with 2 kids from a previous marriage, who works in the same industry as her. As we have haven't had kids ourselves and that seems to have never been resolved she may be looking at it as a ready made family to move into.
> 
> So how long have you been living a lie with her? You're whole marriage?
> 
> Yesterday she wanted to run out and spend a substantial amount on a car for me so if she has time alone I am not left without transport. I said no, transport and a car isn't a priority, its a detail, what matters is our emotional and physical health so lets sort that.
> 
> She said she was looking at an apartment for 3 months but that would cost way too much, and she is now, very reluctantly talking of moving in with her folks at least for the short term.
> 
> If she gets an apartment by herself for a period, I feel there is no way there wouldnt be a moment for that one (or both) emotional relationship to become physical.. .however it's hardly the point, its already been a massive breach of trust. . .and both relationships still continue even today.
> 
> *I am so thankful for the shared friend, they helped me see her side, some of my failings or at least how some of my behaviours particularly around communications come across. . . i have a lot to learn. ..and want to learn*.
> 
> My friend no one is perfect and no marriage is perfect. Obviously she has communication and other issues too. Instead of talking to you she brings another man or two into the marriage. Did you bring another woman in? See the difference. All betrayed spouses look for ways to blame themselves because they don't want to realize what their wayward spouses are. Better open your eyes to what you're in here.
> 
> *So the ball is in her court so to speak*, if she moves to her parents that great, if she goes somewhere else I don't believe it can ever recover. I actually hope to get her to speak in person, at length to the shared friends I spoke to today. I chatted to these friends today really deeply about all of this for 6 hours straight and it was the best emotional education I have ever had, way better than the individual counsellor or couples counsellor.
> 
> So she brings a couple other men into the marriage and you put the ball in her court? Don't put too much faith in your shared friend. This is your life not theirs. Your wife will probably paint a picture to them this is all your fault. Cheaters lie a lot. She wasn't going to tell you and probably won't tell the full truth to anyone.
> 
> You are correct. Separation is to try out the other man physically if she hasn't already.
> 
> If you're smart you'll go 180 until she drops the affairs and start going your own way. If not you'll stay in self imposed limbo for a long time to come.


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## Marc878

It sounds to me like you've been in a sham of a marriage for quite awhile. Better take some time and think about that. 

Instead of actually being in love with her you may have a deep case of codependency and probably have no idea what a marriage is or should be.

Her actions (in this for years) are clearly not normal and you may be trying to hold onto something that never was or will be.


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## Emerging Buddhist

So there are four of you in this relationship... perhaps it's time to narrow this down to one.

Time to love yourself more...


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## Lostinthought61

Frankly your fooling yourself if you think for one minute that leaving the ball in her court this will work itself out but I suspect she has the upper hand in this relationship so you will cave like a house of cards at what ever decision she makes......if your fine with two EA, and not blow things up than you'll be fine with her moving in to an apartment. You need to look into the mirror and accept that you are a beta male and are willling to accept any crumbs she can give you, dear god man get some respect...


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## farsidejunky

Emerging Buddhist said:


> So there are four of you in this relationship... perhaps it's time to narrow this down to one.
> 
> Time to love yourself more...


QFT.


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