# Opinions please. Is this abusive behavior?



## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

Hi Folks,

I'll give you a brief overview. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have 6 kids, 4 hers, 2 mine. DW's ex is not in the picture. Her ex was a serial cheater, and was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive. 

We've had a rough go at it. We are coming up on four years together. Blending families is REALLY difficult. It's much harder than I could have ever imagined. Our relationship has been bumpy, but you know what...we're still married! We love each other and we work crap out most of the time. We BOTH have some trauma from our past that can effect our interactions at times. We tend to trigger each other's stuff when we are at our worst. When we are good, things are nothing short of amazing! It's these moments that have pushed us through the rough patches. 

Anyway, on to my question. The other night we had a disagreement that lead to a mild fight. My wife has a very strong personality and tends to bulldoze me out of an argument. I sometimes overreact to this in some not so healthy ways, but nothing physical....NOT EVER!!! I can say some mean things, stomp around the house, or be passive aggressive at my worst. These are things that I'm actively woking on with my therapist, BTW. My wife can be mean sometimes and she's been known to totally lose her $hit on occasion. She actually got physical with me once, while I was sleeping! I had bruises up and down my freaking arm! I did not retaliate in any way shape or form, other than to physically restrain her until she calmed down. BTW, she's since been going to therapy to help resolve some of her old trauma issues. She knows that can never happen again.

The day after our mild fight, I had taken some time to write her a letter explaining my perspective. I find that when I write a letter, I avoid the frustration of her interrupting me. I just wanted her to see my side of the situation and understand where I was coming from. She completely dismissed my point of view and started arguing the points I had made. She simply refused to see things any other way than what she had perceived. I was about to lose my temper and say something that I would have regretted. I've been working hard at showing restraint because I know how damaging words can be. As I bit my tongue, I threw my phone as hard as I could, NOT at her, but close (about 4 feet to her right). I'm embarrassed that I behaved that way. It's not my style. I've NEVER done anything remotely close to that (maybe slamming a door, but nothing worse). My iPhone shatters into four pieces. I leave the room to go cool off. My wife had a severe trigger from my behavior. Apparently, her ex used to throw stuff at her. As I said, I did NOT throw my phone at her. I wasn't intending to get as close as I did and I certainly would NEVER throw something at her. My wife is now feeling "unsafe". She's claiming that it was domestic violence, on par with what she did to me. I TOTALLY disagree!! I was pissed off and threw my phone out of frustration. It was a huge mistake, I've apologized, and I'm having to deal with the consequences of using a 6 year old android phone as a replacement! I realize that throwing objects around could be construed as abusive, but I feel like it's a HUGE stretch to take a one time occurrence and label that as abuse. If it was PHYSICAL, that would be a different story. Is she overreacting or am I not seeing things clearly?? Any insight would be appreciated.

Thanks,
FD


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You both need to calm down. 
Throwing your phone was immature but so was your wife when she hit you when you were asleep. 
When you feel an escalation of an argument coming on (raised voices, shouting) just leave the house & take a walk. 
Learn to listen to each other's points without getting defensive. 
You're supposed to be on the same team, not trying to get in the last word. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You throwing your phone was not the same as her causing bruises on your arm while you were in bed. I could see how this would scare her as your phone could have hit her or the children. Next time you get so angry you feel like throwing something leave the room and go for a walk. Same with her. Yes, being in a blended family is very difficult, that's why there is such a high divorce rate. It will get worse as your children become teenagers. Hang in there, they don't need to go through another divorce.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You two need to learn how to fight. That does not include throwing anything or touching another in anger. Try the talking stick. Figure out who goes first and the one with the stick can talk without interruption. Put a timer on it so one person isn't hogging air time. Then the other person takes the stick and makes his points without interruption. Expect some backsliding as people are accustomed to talking over others when they think they are being maligned.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If it all played down as you have spoken.. I feel she is over reacting.. I'd be more angry that you destroyed the phone & it's going to cost $$ to replace ... yet understand in the heat of the moment.. like slamming doors.. we can "escalate" & take it out on on object in our frustration...Yeah you screwed up.... bad moment for sure.. 

BUT ...*YOU DIDN'T HURT HER IN ANY WAY*.. she is milking it.. but like you said.. it's triggering her -due to her past, she is fearing you will take it a step further, expecting to start throwing things AT HER.... so in this way... Yes.. you will need to keep your cool to assure her you are not like her ex...this is part of her emotional baggage, she's very sensitive to it.. even if she's trying to work on her own issues not acting out...

I would not call you abusive for this incident.. though SHE WAS when she left bruises on you in bed that night...

You both need a better way to communicate your needs to each other, and follow through in meeting them...you didn't say what these fights are about.. just that this one was "Mild"..

Try to avoid each others triggers where ever possible.. also to validate each other during good times, this will garner more positive interactions with each other.. And when you screw up like this.. be humble and apologize.. what too many couples do is.. they wait and want the other to "cave" 1st.. then play these stupid "silent treatment " games with each other.. meanwhile resentment starts to build.. fester.. it's not worth it.. if you Love her.. tell her.. pull her close.. give her some balloons like this.. 








.. then have some awesome make up sex !


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

FamilyDude said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> DW's ex is not in the picture. Her ex was a serial cheater, and was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.
> 
> ...


Are you CERTAIN that her ex was the _abuser_ in their marriage? 

Does she even see that what she did to you in your sleep was HIGHLY abusive?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Any physical display of frustration would then also have to be classed as abuse, which most people would flat out disagree with, as would I. I may not class it as abuse, however, that you are incapable of calming yourself down before doing something violent would concern me if I was in her place. You are not a safe person.

Note I'm not saying she doesn't have faults too.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Vega said:


> Are you CERTAIN that her ex was the _abuser_ in their marriage?
> 
> Does she even see that what she did to you in your sleep was HIGHLY abusive?


People learn certain behaviours from each other. It may be entirely possible that her ex abused her, now she abuses the OP. Same as a child may grow up being abused and turn into an abuser.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think she is overreacting, but as another poster said, you both need to calm down and fight differently. If she's high strung, maybe you should just walk away from an argument until you calm down in order to avoid escalation. Inform her of this. 

Yeah, and I'd be more annoyed that you broke the phone as SA said! It's not like you threw it at her.


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## CHGUY (Jan 25, 2016)

Obviously wrong to throw the phone, and she probably feel her going to counseling after the "bruising" is "unfair" now alone. She was in an abusive relationship and that scars. I'm pretty sure my wife was brought up emotionally abused by her parents, as she is showing this in her behavior first towards me, and to the kids now that they are there and older (I have the responsibility to further protect them). My in-laws are not nice people, and her dad "bullied" my kids and it is a contest who "disciplines" the hardest, with narcissistic traits. I had to put a stop to this asap, as I do not want my kids abused and later them treating their spouses and children the same. 

So it is not just triggering your wife, but the effects it has on the whole family? Look at it this way, you broke your phone in rage etc, that is your example imprinting on the future of your kids. If my wife and her parents act up hostile, I tell my toddlers it is wrong- not playing them up against my wife, but they need to know the difference between right and wrong. 

As mentioned, just as the kids pick up abusive traits, your wife could of picked up too? 
You mentioned she can lose her .....? You yourself can pick up on this OR you could become very defensive, frustrated and when you get bulldozed, act out in total frustration?

It was only recently when I got evidence on the root cause of my wives unexplained dysfunctional reasoning and rage, that I realized she had no idea how to function in a healthy marriage. In her mind still she has no idea what a supportive family is, even if I point out the actual harm being done to her and her "new" family, she puts her trust in her parents, whom deliberately tries to destroy her. This is a huge influence on how our marriage is, dysfunctional I must admit, but I need to work on getting it healthy and her healthy, or till I draw the line and file if I see no change. I myself, before I knew what I was dealing with, played into her abusive hands, and retaliated by raising my voice out of frustration. That I have managed to stop with time, but it takes real discipline....

Good luck!

Side note: I personaly do not believe in divorce unless all else to work on it have failed.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

There are abusive actions aplenty in this post. Both physical and emotional. Phone throwing is an interesting escalation. Sooner or later one of you was going to hit a trigger. The best way to look at it (when calmness returns), is as a wake up call. You both probably need some help to establish some new habits. 
Do take this seriously.
Do avoid her triggers.
Stop fighting dirty.
Involve a mediator.

And lastly, get used to the idea that as the male you will be the one to get the "official" blame for abuse. It is a good idea to get in the habit of putting your hands in your pockets when things start to heat up.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Familydude-

Yes- blended families are really tough...combining all of these different personalities, evolving separate parenting techniques into a united form...It requires A LOT of communication. It sounds like both of you are dueling wounded (past hurts being triggered by each other). Have you tried working together with a counselor to diminish the angry outbursts?

If you are open, I would recommend reading Love Busters by Dr. Willard Harley... then follow-up with His Needs, Her Needs by the same author... both are really good books that help you make changes with having your significant other in mind.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Throwing the phone was an act of aggression, but hitting you was an act of physical violence. You seem to be getting closer and closer to that threshold of actually hitting, but she's already crossed it. Anyway... You REALLY need to work on your side of the street, but I don't think this was abuse......... yet.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Slamming the phone down in her presence is a show of force, or bullying, it's intimadation. The phone becomes symbolic of what you could do to her, or maybe what you want to do to her. If the phone would have shattered and glass hit her in the eye my guess is you would be arrested for domestic violence. I don't blame her for being frightened. And yes her attacking you is abuse as well. 

You two sound toxic together, what a terrible way to live.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, throwing your phone was stupid. Most of us get it was a passive aggressive way, safer as well, of not knocking her upside her head. Still, it is scary because it implies intent. Unfortunately, what you did in some states, can get you in trouble under domestic violence laws. A former friend of mine was charged with criminal damage under DV laws in my state. He kicked a hole in his TV as he walked out to walk off anger after an argument and she decided to "win" by calling the cops. So, yes, legally it could be equal even though it is not the same at all.

She bruised you up.....Hmm. 
I'd be out the door so fast her head would spin. She hit you while you were sleep and left MULTIPLE bruises.

Of course, you didn't go to the cops or report the incident right? 
What happens when she catches you unaware again and it is with an object?

Look dude, there's one thing you have to understand in this life. Your title says it as well. People do not want to believe a man can be abused. Yes, what she did was abuse.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FamilyDude said:


> Hi Folks,
> 
> I'll give you a brief overview. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have 6 kids, 4 hers, 2 mine. DW's ex is not in the picture. Her ex was a serial cheater, and was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.
> 
> ...


Why are you both minimizing and rationalizing your behavior at the same time?

What else has been happening?


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

Vega said:


> Are you CERTAIN that her ex was the _abuser_ in their marriage?
> 
> Does she even see that what she did to you in your sleep was HIGHLY abusive?





Vega said:


> Are you CERTAIN that her ex was the _abuser_ in their marriage?
> 
> Does she even see that what she did to you in your sleep was HIGHLY abusive?


Her ex was definitely the abuser. I asked her once if she'd ever hit him back and she did not care to elaborate. I'm assuming she has but I don't know the context. 

And she absolutely knows what she did was abuse. I told her, that if I had been the one who started beating on her while she slept, she'd have called the police and filed for divorce so fast my head would spin. She immediately sought a therapist and has not had any other physical outbursts. 

Please, don't hold this against her. Her ex did a number on her. She's working on her junk.


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

cons said:


> Familydude-
> 
> Yes- blended families are really tough...combining all of these different personalities, evolving separate parenting techniques into a united form...It requires A LOT of communication. It sounds like both of you are dueling wounded (past hurts being triggered by each other). Have you tried working together with a counselor to diminish the angry outbursts?


The relational aspect of a blended family is mind boggling. We have 5 teenagers between the ages of 13 to 17! Hormone city!! We have been working with a couples therapist and individual. 

We definitely can trigger each other's stuff. It gets bad when we both happen to simultaneously trigger the other. We both tend to lose perspective when this happens.


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Try to avoid each others triggers where ever possible.. also to validate each other during good times, this will garner more positive interactions with each other.. And when you screw up like this.. be humble and apologize.. what too many couples do is.. they wait and want the other to "cave" 1st.. then play these stupid "silent treatment " games with each other.. meanwhile resentment starts to build.. fester.. it's not worth it.. if you Love her.. tell her.. pull her close.. give her some balloons like this..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Good advice. We have a difficult time reconnecting after a bad fight. I tend to push her away, which makes things worse. I've been working on breaking this pattern and have been successful over the last two weeks, up until this latest spat.


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## FamilyDude (Jan 23, 2013)

sh987 said:


> Throwing the phone was an act of aggression, but hitting you was an act of physical violence. You seem to be getting closer and closer to that threshold of actually hitting, but she's already crossed it. Anyway... You REALLY need to work on your side of the street, but I don't think this was abuse......... yet.


I was totally wrong to throw my phone, however, I did not intend my actions to intimidate or scare her. It really wasn't about her. I was trying so hard in the moment to NOT say something really damaging, that hurling my phone seemed like a "safer" alternative. I understand that it was wrong...and like I said before, I'm embarrassed that I lost it to that extent. 

Having said that, I would NEVER, lay hands on my wife or any other woman for that matter. I might yell and be an a$$hole, but getting physically violent with a woman is not in my nature.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

FamilyDude said:


> I was totally wrong to throw my phone, *however*, I did not intend my actions to intimidate or scare her. It really wasn't about her. I was trying so hard in the moment to NOT say something really damaging, that hurling my phone seemed like a "safer" alternative. I understand that it was wrong...and like I said before, I'm embarrassed that I lost it to that extent.
> 
> Having said that, I would NEVER, lay hands on my wife or any other woman for that matter. I might yell and be an a$$hole, but getting physically violent with a woman is not in my nature.


Until you exhibit calm and rational behavior yourself...the odds of her doing so are small.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> DW's ex is not in the picture. Her ex was a serial cheater, and was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive.


Of *course* he was! Regular monster, he was. Yeah. It was all on him.

I wonder how many unprovoked night beatings *he* took?:scratchhead:

Your wife is possibly mentally ill.

She provokes you on purpose.

Do not let her.

She is dangerous.

Get a VAR to ensure no false DV charges come your way.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Of *course* he was! Regular monster, he was. Yeah. It was all on him.
> 
> I wonder how many unprovoked night beatings *he* took?:scratchhead:
> 
> ...


I agree...going only by OP's statements...he sure does had over a whole bunch or control over to her. 

I also think there is more to the story. 

VAR is a really good idea too


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FamilyDude said:


> We definitely can trigger each other's stuff. It gets bad when we both happen to simultaneously trigger the other. We both tend to lose perspective when this happens.


I remember a therapist telling me years ago, "Water seeks its own level." By that, he meant people dragging around a lot of issues and problems find people of like mind.

I don't know how long you and your wife dated before getting married, but both of you would have benefitted greatly from counseling BEFORE getting married.

Actually, your post has me wondering why the need to get married under these circumstances. I mean, you both have big-time problems, hormonal teenagers, and are trying to work through having a blended family.

So two wounded people get together, get married, drag their kids into the mess and now have to work through it. 

Talk about putting the cart before the horse ....


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Try the talking stick. Figure out who goes first and the one with the stick can talk without interruption.


It's a talking PILLOW not a stick. For good reason. 

Think about it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In your world.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

It could be a talking donkey for all it matters.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

breeze said:


> It could be a talking donkey for all it matters.


My point being that if things get out of hand it might not be such a good idea for one of the two parties to be brandishing an object that could be used as a weapon.


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