# Figuring out the right solution



## PowderHound2011 (Feb 11, 2015)

Hi All,

Married 20 years. We're cooperative and functional as parents and roommates, but with regards to our relationship, the last ~5-7 years has been a slow drift apart in opposite directions. Our relationship is better when we're having frequent sex, but we haven't been able to sustain any consistency lately. We're a really good parenting team -- we balance each other and stand together.

We're more cordial than caring if that makes sense. We discuss scheduling, finances, and have occasional small talk, but that's about it -- "How was your day?" is mostly a formality. We generally avoid any activity that includes the other; aside from sex, we don't have any activities that we enjoy together.

I feel like I got honey-potted (see The Interview for definition) and I'm just now figuring out. There was just a lot of things she said she could do or would do, then would back out with an excuse. That really bothers me.

She's put on some weight, like 30-50 pounds, which is a huge turnoff for me (no pun intended). She doesn't like it either, but she doesn't do anything about it. I'm in great shape and health is important to me.

She has been chatting up her ex-BF online in a flirty way. It doesn't bother me much --it's like he's filling a need that I'm unwilling to provide, and she's in a better mood because of this. A small part of me wishes I didn't have to compete with that, but a bigger part of me wants to thank him and another part hopes she runs off with him. Weird, I know.

I know I'm not the easiest person to live with. I'm a neat freak, she's not. I expect things done correctly and promptly. I keep a crazy busy schedule between my work, kids activities, and my activities. And I've got sex on the brain at all times.

I'm stuck at trying to figure out if I should stick it out or get out. Why am I stuck? Well, I really like everything about my life, except our relationship, which has really sapped my energy and enthusiasm lately. Our kids are great kids and I love seeing them everyday. We get divorced and most of what I like about my life vanishes, not to mention the lasting effects of divorce on my kids.

I tried to stay with the pertinent details, but I can fill in any gaps if requested. Thanks.

TL;DR I love my life, but not my wife, should I stay or should I go?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It doesn't sound like you two have any major problems. Why not do both, stay until your children are gown and if you still feel the same way about your wife then divorce. It sounds like you two have grown apart and have lost the passion.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

PowderHound2011 said:


> She has been chatting up her ex-BF online in a flirty way. It doesn't bother me much --it's like he's filling a need that I'm unwilling to provide, and she's in a better mood because of this. A small part of me wishes I didn't have to compete with that, but a bigger part of me wants to thank him and another part hopes she runs off with him. Weird, I know.


this is playing with fire, she is going to end up cheating on you. She probably has seen that you are checked out already.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Sounds like you dont care enough to stop her from straying.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

PowderHound2011 said:


> She's put on some weight, like 30-50 pounds, which is a huge turnoff for me *(no pun intended*).


:scratchhead:


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

PowderHound2011 said:


> Married 20 years. We're cooperative and functional as parents and roommates, but with regards to our relationship, the last ~5-7 years has been a slow drift apart in opposite directions. Our relationship is better when we're having frequent sex, but we haven't been able to sustain any consistency lately. We're a really good parenting team -- we balance each other and stand together.


Not uncommon in long term relationships. The question is if you can find a way to reconnect?

Sex is a great advesive in a relationship but good communication is like the hardening agent (for those familiar with two part glues). If you cannot communicate on more than a superficial level, of course you will drift. You are not connecting on an emotional level and missing that key component in a relationship.

I struggle too with really communicating with my wife and it takes lot of practice to really listen and talk. 




PowderHound2011 said:


> I feel like I got honey-potted (see The Interview for definition) and I'm just now figuring out. There was just a lot of things she said she could do or would do, then would back out with an excuse. That really bothers me.


Some would call it a bait-and-switch. Did you call her out on the things she said that she would do and hold her accountable or just let it go? If you let it go then shame on you.




PowderHound2011 said:


> She has been chatting up her ex-BF online in a flirty way. It doesn't bother me much --it's like he's filling a need that I'm unwilling to provide, and she's in a better mood because of this. A small part of me wishes I didn't have to compete with that, but a bigger part of me wants to thank him and another part hopes she runs off with him. Weird, I know.


If this continues I guarantee that you will get your wish of her leaving. He is filling that emotional need that she has and you are *not*. It will not take a long time before she realizes that she is not "happy" in your marriage and things will go south whether you want it to or not.

Happened to me. Do not ignore this or accept her excuses that it means nothing. It does mean something, she is expending emotional energy on another relationship and not yours. You have a choice, you need to make a stand and demand that you work on YOUR relationship together or you need to consider interviewing divorce lawyers. This will lead to her leaving you if you don't take action.




PowderHound2011 said:


> I love my life, but not my wife, should I stay or should I go?


This is all up to you, we can't (and I won't) tell you either way. We will give you all the help we can but it is up to you to decide if your relationship is worth saving.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

PowderHound2011 said:


> Hi All,
> 
> Married 20 years. We're cooperative and functional as parents and roommates, but with regards to our relationship, the last ~5-7 years has been a slow drift apart in opposite directions. Our relationship is better when we're having frequent sex, but we haven't been able to sustain any consistency lately. We're a really good parenting team -- we balance each other and stand together.
> 
> ...


Nobody can make a decision for you, or tell you what to do. But since you've asked for an opinion: stay. Don't give up on your marriage if nothing enormous is wrong (abuse, addiction, infidelity etc.). Marriage takes a lot of work and losing interest in each other can be reversed. It will take effort, a lot of effort, but anything worthwhile does.


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## PowderHound2011 (Feb 11, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> It doesn't sound like you two have any major problems. Why not do both, stay until your children are gown and if you still feel the same way about your wife then divorce. It sounds like you two have grown apart and have lost the passion.


Correct, no major problems. Kids are 4 years away from college, so not too far away. Just not sure I want put off the inevitable any longer.


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## PowderHound2011 (Feb 11, 2015)

naiveonedave said:


> this is playing with fire, she is going to end up cheating on you. She probably has seen that you are checked out already.


I wouldn't be surprised, though not sure she'd actually go through with it.


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## PowderHound2011 (Feb 11, 2015)

C3156 said:


> Not uncommon in long term relationships. The question is if you can find a way to reconnect?


That's a BIG if at this point....



C3156 said:


> Sex is a great adhesive in a relationship but good communication is like the hardening agent (for those familiar with two part glues). If you cannot communicate on more than a superficial level, of course you will drift. You are not connecting on an emotional level and missing that key component in a relationship.


And it's a double-edged sword. Without the connection on an emotional level, the sex becomes sporadically less. We're not good at breaking the cycle.



C3156 said:


> I struggle too with really communicating with my wife and it takes lot of practice to really listen and talk.


I struggle with this, but probably for different reasons. I took some classes and saw a counselor to help me communicate better, and it helped a lot. However, I realized through the counseling she has a cognitive disorder that is tough to work with -- catastrophizing. We know it as making mountains out of molehills, and she does this routinely. As a result, I've toned down what I say to avoid the reactions, if I say anything at all.



C3156 said:


> Some would call it a bait-and-switch. Did you call her out on the things she said that she would do and hold her accountable or just let it go? If you let it go then shame on you.


I've called her out on those things, yet I can't force her to go through with them.  And some are character traits that I thought she had, but she just masked them very well and I never figured it out until well after we were married.



C3156 said:


> If this continues I guarantee that you will get your wish of her leaving. He is filling that emotional need that she has and you are *not*. It will not take a long time before she realizes that she is not "happy" in your marriage and things will go south whether you want it to or not..
> 
> Happened to me. Do not ignore this or accept her excuses that it means nothing. It does mean something, she is expending emotional energy on another relationship and not yours. You have a choice, you need to make a stand and demand that you work on YOUR relationship together or you need to consider interviewing divorce lawyers. This will lead to her leaving you if you don't take action.


Agreed. I'm sure she's in a similar boat, happy with her life, but not with our relationship. I know this dalliance means something, I'm not blind to that fact. I'm just not sure what to do about it, if anything. Other than our relationship, I've got a nice life and I don't want to give it up, which is the main dilemma. 



C3156 said:


> This is all up to you, we can't (and I won't) tell you either way. We will give you all the help we can but it is up to you to decide if your relationship is worth saving.


Yep, and all the help is much appreciated.


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## tippingpoint (Jan 6, 2015)

It's uncanny how similar our situations are-----married 20+ years, generally happy except for the connectedness with the wife. I've gone so far as to draft a letter that I will give my wife in the event I finally decide to pull the plug. This is the main thrust of it---can you see yourself saying this and do you consider it to be grounds for divorce?


my level of satisfaction with our marriage started to drop considerably. The waves of dissatisfaction I was feeling were getting larger and more frequent over time. Despite my best efforts researching this problem and communicating with you, I haven’t been able to reverse these feelings. Simply put, I believe our personalities are significantly different when it comes to disposition, intellectual and physical pursuits, and being demonstrative with affection. These differences will never be reconciled and will become even more pronounced in time. As much as I try, I can’t envision a future where both of our needs are met in the context of a shared life with a comparable set of goals and sense of purpose.
I’ve done more research into this problem than I care to admit, and the predominant opinion says that in order to reconnect we should get away together, to ‘date’ each other, to communicate more. I’ve sincerely tried these things with an open heart and mind. My hope was that with more quality time we would strengthen our bonds and I’d get to see a more confident, playful, determined person emerge. But instead of feeling good about these times, more often I felt disheartened because it negatively reinforced our personality differences. I understand the traits I mentioned don’t come as easily to you and your depression factors in as well, but it’s a recurring drag on our relationship. At the same time I’m aware I’m not blameless for this situation----I should’ve been more supportive of you with your anxiety and depression and encouraged you more in general. It was never my intention to make you feel like you had to wall off some of your inner life from me, and I acknowledge that being passive in this area has negatively affected our marriage. 
Please know this----I do not feel like I’m better or worse or that I’ve given more or less than you to this relationship. I simply feel like we are different people who do not share a similar sense of purpose beyond our children and our household. Growing apart from each other rather than into each other as we age has created a climate of constant insecurity for me. I love you and appreciate having shared so much of my life with you and the bond we share thru our children, but I no longer view you as my romantic partner.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

You didn't mention anything yet about efforts you've made to heal the marriage. Like have you suggested or attended marriage counseling? Has she been willing to see a counselor by herself? Have you read any books on the topic about how to rebuilt love/respect in a marriage? Are you aware of what her specific relational needs are and if so, have you made any specific efforts recently towards meeting those?


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## trytomakethemost:) (Jan 23, 2015)

I think you need to approach her and ask her what does a happy marriage look like to her. Tell her the spice is missing. Maybe she wants you to start the convo about it. Sounds like it can't hurt anything, but could be a great eye opener.

Good Luck!


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