# Needing a Plan!



## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

I have thrown around the idea of leaving my husband for a while now. I posted in another thread about all the financial problems my husband was causing our family and how he is making no effort to help get us out of this hole. I got all sorts of feedback from people, mostly saying that I should pack up and become more independent so he can't bring me down any further. I scoffed at that idea saying "he's my best friend and I'll never leave." However, I think I've changed my mind after having a more objective view lately. I'm now actively trying to make a plan to leave after discussing the situation with my minister. I was surprised that he would advocate my leaving, especially since he is very close to my husband, but once I told him all the reasons for my wanting to leave (mostly financial) he pointed out that it went much deeper. It goes to show the character and values of my husband...(the fact that he's been unemployed for 6 mos and hasn't bothered to look for a job, meanwhile he lets his parents support us.) So my minister and I discussed how much I'd need to be making on my own to move out, and what kind of job I'd need to find to make that money. Since we are currently living off my in-law's generosity I can't exactly use their money to leave their son. I have no money of my own. How do I go about making a break to leave him then? I also have a daughter who still lives at home I'd have to take with me and she's enrolled in community college, so I'd have to wait for the semester to end before we move. I don't have anywhere to both of us to stay for free. Also, how do I find out my legal rights if I move out somewhere if I have no money for a lawyer? I feel stuck in this marriage because of lack of money to stay in it and lack of money to leave! I need a plan of action but I'm not sure what to do next. I also need to make sure that his substantial debt doesn't follow me if I leave him, that would ruin me forever. Any suggestions on how to make a plan to walk away despite these obstacles?


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Anyone? Even if you have a similar instance where you left with nothing and had to start over....etc. Is it worth throwing your marriage away for things like this?


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

A friend of mine managed to do a mediated divorce while she lived in the same house with her STBEx. Aternately, you could do a legal separation. I believe those are faster and cheaper.

Is your daughter also his daughter?
Does he have a skill or a degree? Do you? These play into support. If you are both unemployed, then the court would need to estimate your potential income.

Work out a budget to figure out what you would need. It should include rent, utilities, food, and anything else you MUST have. That will tell you the kind of job you need.

You might consider sticking around long enough to acquire a skill (if you don't have one) so you can get a better job.

Then there is the question...does your husband know you are thinking about leaving? And have you discussed the issues with him with that sort of serious consequence on the table?

Good luck.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

Being in debt isn't necessarily something to end a marriage over. But complete disregard for the needs of the other spouse and the family would be. He needs to look for a job and sounds like so do you. 

When you say you are living off your in-laws...did you marry Billy *******? Are the two of you 23? Given you have a daughter in community college, I am assuming you are near or over 40 and that he is of similar age.

Why hasn't he looked for work?


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

We are both in our mid-40's, both educated professionals...he's not working and I just started a new job which doesn't pay much but I took what I could get for the time being. I know what I'd need to live on or leave but I don't make enough. Haven't discussed it with him yet but he knows because I've started to pack up extraneous stuff around the house. It's obvious, but we are barely speaking. Long story why he isn't looking for work; you need to read my other post in Financial problems in Marriage. Too complicated. My daughter is from a prior relationship but calls him Daddy and is really upset about the family dynamics right now. I am lost... Can't just sleep next to him every night knowing that I'm going to be leaving...just need to figure out how!


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

I know how you feel, that's it'd not be right to leave someone just cause its a difficult situation. You can't see what's ahead of you. Imagine what's the worst that can happen? It's not as bad as you'd think.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

I read your earlier threads from 4-5 years ago.

The things your write about your husband sound terrible but my gut tells me YOU are half of the problems in your marriage. Your posts ring of half-truths and sympathy ploys.

The two of you have abused your relationship with his parents. It is hard to fathom that two 40-somethings could act so childish and disrespectful. If you haven't already paid them back for the loan they gave you to buy your house, then you need to as soon as possible. If they have not formally documented every penny they have given the two of you as a loan...you and your husband NEED to do this. They deserve to be paid back and to have legal recourse to send you to collections if you refuse to do that. If you initiated this process, maybe they would gain some respect for you.

It is like you both went to the center of a long bridge, handed each other one end of the same rope and jumped off opposite sides of the bridge simultaneously. Now you both dangle there, saying "pull me up!" alternated with "why did you do this to me?" You refuse to do the hard work to pull yourself up and see no possible way to pull the other up. The only option you see is to let go. It is the easiest thing to do but you see the obvious consequence. You fall to your doom. So you have dangled there for 6 years total. You don't work on getting strong enough to pull yourself up. You don't talk to the other person tied to the rope about how you could possibly work together to solve the problem. You just dangle.

The truth is, you need to do both. You need to get strong enough to pull yourself back up onto the bridge. And THEN offer to help him up too. While you are getting stronger, you need to put him on notice that he needs to get stronger too, because there is going to come a time soon...when you are standing on that bridge...that he will need to literally pull his own weight or be cut loose. 

I know you are too chicken to cut that rope while you aren't on solid footing. So start working harder. And in the meantime, repair the damage you have done to the relationships that surround your marriage. That will go a long way toward convincing your husband that you aren't just hanging on for your own sake.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Well, last night was the night I told my husband I wanted to separate. He did not take it well. He reacted by saying if that's what I want then he wants me out of the house asap, the sooner the better. He doesn't believe in "trial separation" and he believes the goal is for divorce...no time to reflect, etc., just make a clean break. He also informed me that he had been secretly looking for a job so he could surprise me when he got one, I didn't know about that and it would've made a huge difference in my decision to leave. He said he's going to move 600 miles away to where he lived before we married, and try to forget the last 6 years of our marriage. It really hurt and now I'm wondering if I made a huge mistake. I really do love him still and am very confused about what the right thing to do is. I emailed our minister and asked if we could both meet with him next week as our final hope. Am I being weak because I'm afraid to be without him or should I just stay with him and work at it? I'm really confused and hurting right now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Men don't "surprise" their wives by looking for a job. He pulled that out when you told him you wanted to separate. He may change or he may not. How much more time do you want to invest in finding out?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Men don't "surprise" their wives by looking for a job. He pulled that out when you told him you wanted to separate. He may change or he may not. How much more time do you want to invest in finding out?


Yea and we know where he pulled it out of.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Openminded said:


> Men don't "surprise" their wives by looking for a job. He pulled that out when you told him you wanted to separate. He may change or he may not. How much more time do you want to invest in finding out?


I believe him as he gave me details about a phone interview he had and didn't get the job. So, the communication was not there and it would've made a big decision to know that he was actively looking. He is saying how I'm giving up and basing my decision on money and I told him it goes deeper; it has to do with your integrity, etc. but that just offended him even more. I may have done the marriage in just by saying I want to separate even though now I'm having second thoughts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Will you ever be able to really depend on him? Doesn't sound like it.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

Ok...it's been eight months later (14 mos total) and he still doesn't have a job. I now have two jobs, working 6 days a week. When I yell at him about why he doesn't have one he makes up these weak excuses and tells me he is looking. I call BS! Am I stupid for staying with this guy? I'm losing any and all respect for him as a husband or just as a man in general. I still don't have enough money to leave, so how do I deal with the overwhelming resentment?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Well, he is keeping you hooked.

From my objective point of view, as soon as you try and leave, he will do something to keep you hook.

Your working off the reality of hope, instead of the reality of patterns.

Hope can blind us, because we see or hear what we want too.

If you were thinking with a detached view, you would have known that he is trying to keep you around under false pretenses.

Fact is your husband is a bum, and his parents keep bailing him out, never allowing him to fail.

Your married to a man child.

Don't tell him that your leaving, and play it smart.

When you have a strategy, you don't tell your opponent.

I would get a legal separation, and save money in a hidden account to try and find a new start.

Keep your cards close and next time don't expose them, because you lost that hand.

Also, develop a social network, as that will help get your feet into doors.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

MerryMerry said:


> Am I stupid for staying with this guy?


You already know the answer. He Uses you because you let him. Cut off his money and start saving that money for your lawyer.


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