# she cheated cuz I did drugs...thoughts?



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Ok, Ill try to be specific. Been married 2.5 years, dated for several before that. Generally had a good relationship this whole time, very much in love etc...Now, for the past ten years or so I've had a drug habit. I've struggled with weed, off and on, or sometimes more, sometimes less, for the past ten years. Im a smart enough guy, I get good greats, I play high-level soccer etc, but I have struggled to eliminate weed from my life. To that end, about a year ago I started getting into weed again on a more consistent basis. Over a three month period or so it developed into an unhealthy habit/addiction. In the process 
over that 3 month period my wife and I started getting a bit distant. I would be out often with friends, smoking etc. and we began spending less time together (honey-moon phase over?) and growing a bit distant. She started feeling distant to me at least. Or I should say, felt I wasnt around as much as i should for her, wasnt pulling my weight in the marriage, both emotionally, and house chores etc...

Now at some point over that same 3 month period she began a new job and started a friendship with her co-worker(where she volunteered at and hopefully would eventually get a job at). He has so much in common with her. They both are extremely passionate about their work and work-related things (teaching, fitness etc). At some point during the initial 3 month phase she admitted to me that she was having an innappropriate relationship with this guy. It started out just that they got along very well, 
was easy to talk to (from both ends, he to her, her to he) etc, but that it quickly developed into her sharing how she felt and opening up to him etc., things she normally would be sharing with her husband. They started getting closer in other words. That had started that but she admitted this to me then, knew it was wrong, said she didnt want to continue it anymore, said it was over etc., that they would only be strictly professional. I accepted it, gave her the benefit of the doubt, and felt that I could believe her when she said it was over. The only reason it happened she said then was because we were less close lately, which in turn was essentially my fault, due to smoking too much weed. So I guess I have my share of the blame.

Fast forward 9 months from then to today. I've still been struggling with my weed addiction. It goes up or down, but its been there. And our relationship hasn't been great over this past year. When she first told me about that guy, at the time we first started growing distant, I had tried to rein in the collateral damage of my habit. That is, I learned that weed can make me complacent, lazy etc, and so even if I havent conquered my addiction, I tried to conciously be a better husband nonetheless. I would make myself emotionally available as much as possible, listen to her, be there for her etc, or would try to pull my weight more around the house. Yes, it wasn't perfect, there was still shortcomings for sure, but I can honestly say it was better than the first 3 month period.

Now the past 2 months have been quite rocky. In terms of my weed, she had laid down the hammer, giving me an ultimatum about a month ago that if I didnt check into rehad kind of thing that she was going to seperate. She didn't want to enable me anymore etc, which I felt was fair. I felt like utter **** for this. I felt/feel extremely bad about how I'd become. Over the past 6 months she had begun to be more open with how she was being affected by my addicition, that she felt very hurt, distant, that I havent been a good husband etc. My response would be shame, guilt, a thousand sorrys and I love yous. I would try to rein it in, or be a better man for her, sometimes to great effect, sometimes to mediocre effect. Lord knows I am not perfect. But anyways, the past six months have been like that, with the past two being "hammer being laid down." She stopped sleeping with me altogether, and generally was emotionally dead to me, unresponsive to me, even if I tried everything to love her. If I would try to be nice, or loving etc, these past two months she's been cold, essentially. Meanwhile I started a NA program, during which it requires full honesty and accountability to your loved ones re: the damage you've caused. I started going through the steps these past 2 months, of admitting my mistakes, admitting I have a problem, aplogizing repeatedly for the hurt I caused, all the while receiving minimal response from my wife "cuz she has been so hurt" or "we are so distant" etc. To my mind I could accept this, and felt it was only part of the healing process. I had hurt her, she had the right to express her pain and remain distant until she could trust me again.

This week, by accident, I found out that her and co-worker made out, for quite awhile apparently, not just a kiss, one night two months ago when they were along together at his place. She admitted it to me, reluctently, but full of guilt. We were both crying alot etc...As I asked more questions and she became more forthright with me, it turns out that they had retained their friendship/relationship all along, or recontinued it after a short respite following the first time she admitted it to me. They would hang out at his place, go out to pubs together, go for coffee or walks together etc. Physically, they made out the one time, and also on various occassions have held hands, hug and cuddled, held each other close etc. Emotionally, she said their relationship is "complicated" since they "care about eachother alot" and developed "feelings for eachothers". They have shared this with eachother, know that they have feelings for eachother etc. She said this only really picked up in the last three months, but I know for a fact that she has remained friends with him from the get-go. 

I feel hurt, very hurt. We were always extremely faithful to eachother and always spoke about how that's the last thing we'd ever do. I was serious about that. Not to come across as arrogant, but I'm a smart dude, good looks, and barring a weed addiction I'm trying to conquer, have my **** together. I'll be going to a top law school next year and dont find it difficult to talk to girls. And girls enjoy my company. Point is, there was lots of opportunity to cheat but I never would. I dont so much as even speak to girls, besides my sisters or old friends. If there is a situation where I feel a girl may be into me or me into her, I leave. I have my faults but I would never cheat, never wanted to, never wanted to be that guy. I swore to myself I would never, no matter what, cheat. That was the cardinal rule. And she's shared the same, and we've both agree how vital that is and how we'd leave eachother, how our awesome relationship would be broken, if that ever happened.

A few days have passed and we've talked. From her perspective she feels like crap about what happened. She says she cant believe she did that, that it was wrong etc etc...She also says the only reason it happened was because of the weed, that it was because we were distant for the past year. I can accept that to a degree. I am no angel and I know the weed has been a problem and that I've hurt her and that I need to change. I know that and accept that. But does that make her relationship ok? Obviously not, but does it justify it? Or excuse it? Or put another way, are we both equally wrong here? Or is it different, what we did? The way she puts it, she says its like I've been cheating on her with weed for the past year, that I choose weed over being there for her, and because of that, she started seeking fulfillment elsewhere. I can accept that, but then I also think about and wonder, that during the past year there has been lots of times that I've tried to be there for her, supported her, made nice evenings out with her, cuddled her, listened etc, only to recieve the cold shoulder. Or I think of the past two months since she has laid down the hammer, threatening to leave and withholding all physical and emotional intimacy until I get better. I've felt like crap and blamed myself for all that was wrong in our relationship, but I cant help but think alot of that was also because she had been carrying on this relationship with that guy. I mean, how did we even have a change at repairing our relationship when she had been carrying this one behind my back the whole time? And to what extent is it not her fault that this past year we had been distant? How could we not when she was getting fullfilment elsewhere?

I dont know what to do. She wants to get MCing and work this through. I do too but I cant help feel something is broken. I know she didnt sleep with him, but they did enough physically, and even more than enough emotionally, and for awhile. She's also been lying about it this whole time, and especially these past two months since the time they made out, she'd dramatically increased the distance and blame. I cant help feel angry about it. Here we are trying to fix our relationship via me fixing my addiction, a process which requires full honesty and responsibility by all parties involved, and she's carrying on this relationship? All the while increasing the blame for the fact that we are distant? All the while rejecting my attempts at intimacy, love, support, apology etc on the pretext that we are too broken and its my fault?

She wants to get MCing, move one, let by-gones be by-gones etc, and restart our marriage. We both ****ed up sort of deal, we deal with it and start afresh. I should add her tone changed the second I found out about it. The day I found out she was all "sorry, sorry, we both messed up, lets get MC and move past this etc," whereas the very day before, even a couple hours before I found out, she was talking about contemplating leaving me, talking about how she spoke with friends who had marriage problems, one stuck it out and is now happy, the other left and never has been happy, and that she doesnt know what she should do. This kind of talk had been going on for the past couple months before I found out. So she had been laying it all on me, had been threatening leaving, and the moment I find out everything changes? Now she just wants to work it out and move on? She says it was all a mistake and only happened because we developed problems. On a side note, she continues and continued to see that guy after they made out, but on a strictly professional level she says. Furthermore, she is about to start a job working under his authority. So she will see him everyday. This burns me inside so much. I feel like a jackass. This guy makes out and has an emotional relatioship with my wife, and now she is about to accept a job working with him?? She says she would be willing to change jobs etc but shes been trying to get this job literally for a year and only got it because of those connections. And I know how meaningful this work is to her. She'd spent the last 7 years in school, volunteering etc to get it. But now she'll be doing this work along-side this guy. I can't stand the thought of it, but I also can't stand the thought of asking her to not do the work she absolutely loves.

I dont know what to do. I know she didnt sleep with him, but this past year he's basically been her emotional partner, and I've been the guy who is to blame for becoming distant. I know I have my faults, and I know the weed thing is a problem which Im sincerely trying to fix, but I would never ever cheat on her. She says its essentailly like Ive been cheating on her with weed, but really? Is that the same? Yes I've been a ****ty husband at times, but I never ever tried to hurt her, even though I did, and I never went out to be with another woman, even during the times where we were emotionally and physically distant.

What do you guys think? We both equally at fault? Is it essentially the same what we did? Should I/Can I ever trust her again? Any thoughts or experiences or whatever would be greatly appreciated as I'm pretty lost here...


----------



## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

she had an affair because you couldn't deliver on what she needed. and not that you are trying, you have to earn her back. two months isn't going to do it.

everybody shares some guilt here. go to mc to figure out how to move forward, not to assign blame.

and trust? do you expect her to trust you won't use drugs again? if so, you have to trust her. it works both ways.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, I'd say you're both at fault. You're chosing to continue using weed which she's said is a deal-breaker for her, and she's continuing an affair, which is most likely (and very reasonably) a deal-breaker for you. On the other hand though, you didn't stand up in front of hundreds of people and vow to not smoke dope for the rest of your life.

It doesn't really sound like she's willing to take responsibility for her decision to develop and continue her affair, though. And until she does that, she's not going to "get over" it. She had many other options available to her other than making out with the other guy, including leaving you.

So at this point, if you two can do it, it may be time to try to wipe the slate clean, figure out what's gone wrong in the past so you don't do it again, but both of you work together to try to fix it and not throw it back in each other's faces. That means you open up so she can make sure you're not smoking dope. That means her changing jobs so she's not working with this guy, and both of you opening up your communication means (like cell phones and e-mail addresses). No more his/her stuff, just "us" stuff.

If not, maybe it's time to call it a day. Do you have kids?

C


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

brokenbloke said:


> but I cant help but think alot of that was also because she had been carrying on this relationship with that guy. I mean, how did we even have a change at repairing our relationship when she had been carrying this one behind my back the whole time? And to what extent is it not her fault that this past year we had been distant? How could we not when she was getting fullfilment elsewhere?



You put drugs ahead of your wife. Gee, I can't figure out why a woman would find comfort in a man who would rather go on walks, holding hands and pay attention to her than a man who would rather be rolling a joint. You make it sound like there was someone else responsible besides you for what happened here. But there is no one else -- only you.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

No kids...just a 6 year relationship. I appreciate the feedback, really do.

As for seeing him still, she still met/talked with him after "it" happened, and has seen him (at his work; she had to go there for an unrelated reason and said she spoke with him, albeit she said they were not alone).

She maintained they only made out for awhile. Am I niave to believe her? Is it very likely she slept with him? 

Did I first break the trust by not being the husband I should have been?


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

Also, can you people state if you are a male/female and also if you've cheated/been cheated on? Getting alot of fiery responses here...


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Another detailed post of mine deleted without any notification? 

This place is a waste of my time.


----------



## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

MSP said:


> Another detailed post of mine deleted without any notification?
> 
> This place is a waste of my time.


Would be great to hear what you have to say. Maybe the condensed version if you've lost patience?


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi BB I too am a friend of Jimmie K over 11 yrs clean. I feel their is no good excuse for going outside of a relationship. My thoughts are that you need to take care of your side of the street. Let her take care of hers as far as choosing to R or D you know what no major changes for the first year means? Work on yourself and your Recovery let God take care of rest get a sponser and work the steps in order.

Good Luck


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Okay, sure. (Found the other thread--two threads! Also, went for a walk. Been sick for a week and it's getting to me).

She probably had sex with him and may still be doing so or planning to do so. 

I recommend The Mood Cure book for help in recovering from addiction. Dr Daniel Amen has some interesting things to say in his books as well. Of course, there are additional resources, but those offer insight you don't get from many addictions resources.

She needs to take full responsibility for her actions, because weighing her actions against your actions just removes responsibility and stops healing.

And now for what possibly what got my previous reply deleted (though I have no real idea, because I've never received an explanation when it's happened): Marriage counseling rarely helps, statistically-speaking, but if you can find someone who will not just take the woman's side, promote her rug-sweeping, or spout unrealistic viewpoints on personal happiness that motivate people to split up so they can find their bliss, then go for it. Ask around for recommendations.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

brokenbloke said:


> No kids...just a 6 year relationship. I appreciate the feedback, really do.
> 
> As for seeing him still, she still met/talked with him after "it" happened, and has seen him (at his work; she had to go there for an unrelated reason and said she spoke with him, albeit she said they were not alone).
> 
> ...


I'm not a big fan of a polygraph, but it's an option. Also, how open are your communications? Do you have access to her cell phone and phone records? That may tell you quickly when and how often she's been in touch electronically. It won't help obviously for those "in person" contacts.

I think you are being naive, but I don't know what happened either. Your wife and the other guy are the only two who do. Is the other guy married?

As far as your other question goes, I cheated on my wife. Did my wife contribute to the decline in our marriage to the point that cheating didn't seem so bad? Yes, she sure did. Years of sexual rejection will do that to a person, in particular. But... And this is a big but... Even though she contributed to the decline of our marriage relationship, it was my decision entirely to break my vows and have sex with someone else. Not my wife's decision, not my affair partner's decision. Just mine. I'm the one that went on-line and contacted someone. I'm the one that booked the hotel room, and showed up. I could have stopped it at any time, I could have ended my marriage first, I had all sorts of options.

Having said all that... My marriage counsellor told me that the cheating is most often a symptom of the problems in a marriage. Of course, by the time it comes out and in the open, the pain and issues it causes suddenly become the BIGGEST problems in the marriage. Like before the cheating happened, maybe the relationship problems could have been worked out, but after the cheating, the pain and lack of trust means things are no longer fixable.

Anyway, hope this helps, and feel free to ask any questions.

C


----------



## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Some of the responses in this thread are like i'm in bizzaro world or the twilight zone.

Are you [email protected]$!*#g kidding me?

Her excuse is exactly that, a rationalization... Same as all rationalizations for cheating. 

the foggy chicken/egg arguement... did she stray because of the drug use, or is the drug use the rationalization she used to eliviate the guilt and continue to escalate her affair??? you don't know!, you can't know...

WHAT YOU CAN KNOW... INFIDELITY IS NOT JUSTIFIED. HIS ADDICTION IS NOT A GET OUT OF JAIL FREE OR PERMISSION SLIP TO BETRAY HIM!! 

arggggggggggggggg.... 

Do not take this blame shift, you neglected your wife and your marriage... You are responsible for that. That alone is your fault. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT SHE HAS CHOSEN TO CHEAT ON YOU. 

The affair is not justified, deserved, or understandable... Get that out of your head!! IT MUST END. NOW.

Sorry for screaming.... lol.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Yeah, what Pit-of-my-stomach said!

You deserve so much better than a woman who won't support your drug habit. You should absolutely, positively, not accept this blameshifting and rationalization on her part.

The affair is 100% her fault. Your drug habit is just "one of those things," and I just can't believe she doesn't encourage you to smoke to your heart's content!

You need to ditch her ASAP and find a woman who will do drugs with you. But for God's sake, don't marry your future drug addict girlfriend- when women turn into wives, the ones worth having just seem to have short patience with drug addict husbands.

Sorry for waxing sarcastic...... lol.


----------



## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

I'm not judging here. I've been known to partake and I understand how pot affects you over the long term.

Smoking pot is a form of escape. When you smoke you usually check out mentally. Smoking for years on end stunts your emotional development since you are not dealing with reality straight up. The bottom line is that you checked out for a long time and your wife could no longer relate to you. You may have been there physically but your spirit was in the clouds (of smoke). She needed the sober you and you were too busy scraping your bong. You should be very angry with yourself. She should not be punished for being lonely for all these years. You need to make it up to her and it will take a long time. Years probably. Time to man up, handle your business and win her back.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She, like the great majority of unfaithful wives, will downplay what really happened between her and the OM (sex).The fact that she is now going to be working with the OM means that the affair will continue unabated. 

You need to sit down with her and explain that you are movin on with your life without her so she and the OM can be happy together. Let her go.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

OneMan said:


> You damn right the affair is 100% her fault and he should not put up with her blameshifting. Just because he wants to smoke a few joints doesn't mean it's okay to pull your pants down for another man. If you honestly think that's fine then you don't need to be married.
> 
> :bsflag:Seriously that was a poor attempt at sarcasm. Not even close to being funny.


Aw, gee, OneMan, if you don't like my sarcasm, let's try serious then.

You may not know this, but smoking dope is illegal. You can get put in jail for it, and have your life ruined as a result of doing it. You can lose your good job if you test positive for it. And when these things happen, they don't just affect YOU, they also affect your wife and children, if you have them.

And I have to say that if you think its cool to smoke a few joints, you have no business being married, yourself, but, hey, keep it up. I've always heard pot makes people stupid.

I imagine OP's wife is horrified to find out that her husband is a real pothead, instead of a casual user (not that I distinguish between the two, but she might).

In cases where there are no children involved and one partner cheats, I pretty much 100% recommend divorce, and for the BS to go find someone who they can love and trust.

In cases where one partner does drugs, I ALWAYS recommend that the non-drug-using partner get away as fast as they can, dragging the children behind them kicking and screaming if necessary.

So this is a real easy call. I can be sarcastic and still give honest advice. She cheated- divorce her. He's a drug addict- divorce him!

Both parties will be better off without each other.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

*Tell death do us part...*

Her cheating is her mistake.

Your drug problem is your mistake.

With that said, it is clear they are entwined but your checking out with the weed doesn't not give her a green light to cheat. It also doesn't relieve her of the responsibility for her own actions.

It seems she is regretful of her actions. It seems you are also regretful of yours and are working hard to get a grip on your addiction.

You have every right to feel betrayed (you were betrayed) but I have a strong feeling this one can be salvaged and worked through.

Good luck to you both!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

smoking weed make you a parnoid sniveling kid!

look at that long post about how you ignored her as you went out smoking bud with your buds.

time to quit the kind and start being responsible smart engaging fellow you can be. the kind of guy that will pay attenting to his wife like hes supost to.


now with that said it shouldn't be with this girl. she has shown her true charchater. instead of giving you the choice to straighten up or lose her she wanted her cake and eat it to. If it was that big a deal to her why did she marry you in the first place?

bottom line she wanted to cheat on you and used it as an excuse.

kick her to the curb and then clean up and find a real women who loves you .


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

OneMan said:


> :bsflag:Seriously that was a poor attempt at sarcasm. Not even close to being funny.


I thought it was funny. Here you have a guy that, by his own admission, willfully put his desire for drugs ahead of his family. You want to lose a wife? Make her second fiddle. 
I'm an old geezer now but in my younger years I was a player whose target was married women. None were more vulnerable than those married to substance abusers. Put your desire for drugs ahead of your wife and see what it gets you with bastards like I used to be lurking in the shadows. Did the guy perusing Brokenbloke's wife F her. I would have. 
A caveat to some of you.

_"And it'll be just her and me in some dark and smokey closure Cause you didn't heed my warning
And she's seeking what she needs. 
Yeah, I'm sharing all world with her
And won't she feel important. 
Cause I'm listening to her sorrows and following her dreams.

Show me a man who don't talk to his woman and I'll show you a man who's woman I can steal. I don't care how you need her, I don't care how you do her. If you ain't talking to her, you ain't doing what I will."_

T.G. Sheppard - Show Me A Man - YouTube


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

OneMan said:


> Her cheating was never a mistake and she's still cheating on him. She sees him every time she's at work and she's using that to continue without hubby getting in the way.


I see your point that it wasn't a mistake on her part. 

She, of course, couldn't take the job. She, of course, should have zero contact with him. There is a lot of work to be done but it could be salvaged.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

We need to clarify one thing. The word mistake gets thrown around, especially by the unfaithful spouse pleading for another chance. An affair, whether it is an EA or a LTA, is NEVER a mistake, it is a bad collection of deliberate and conscious choices.

*Mistake*: An act committed without any knowledge of a possible negative outcome.

*Bad Choice*: An act committed with awareness of the possible negative outcome but deciding to ignore it or hoping for the best.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sure the marriage can me salvaged. As soon as she can own her crap, like I have own my abusive behavior as one of the worst husband to walk this earth.

As individuals we need to make the changes that better our selves, and admiting the unhealthy behavior and taking the step to fix your self.

You can't fix a damb thing until you fix your self. So if you have anger issues then you need to take care of it, if you have drinking issues then you need to take care of it, if you have drug issues you need to take care of it, if you have adultory issues then you need to take care of it.

Bottom line they need to fix them selve as individuals, OP drug problem and his WW adultory problem. Once these propblems are addressed then they can work together on repairing this marriage. I want to highlight the word *both*

My thinking is as long as the wayward wants to justify an adultorous behavior then they have not owned it and will not take the steps to fix them selves. This idea goes for any unhealthy behavior that an individual has that has effected there marriage.


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

OneMan said:


> So you're an OM who boasts about the married tramps he slept with (and thinks he stole them!:rofl and you want to give marital advice?


There are few days go by that I don't relive and regret the crap I pulled, and the people I used. I took advantage of a lot of situations to boost my own ego and gave into every temptation at the expense of others. Those were not my finest days. But I learned a lot. I've know several wives to cheat simply because they needed the excitement that no one man could provide. I don't care who they married, they needed more. There are others that husbands treated them badly. After years of various degrees of abuse, neglect, feeling unwanted by the man they married they crossed the line when the "right" guy shows them attention while they were at the lowest point in their life. Maybe they should leave the situation and get a divorce but its easier said than done. How many guys on here want to avoid divorce at all cost, even putting up with a serial cheater. Many wives do it to prove to themselves they are not as worthless as they've allowed themselves to feel. As far my marital advice, sometime when you want to protect your property, assets, relationships, an experienced thief can often give better advice on where the weaknesses lie. Brokenblokes wife, right or wrong, reached a point beyond which she thought she could handle. The other guy was there and smelled blood in the water. Right or wrong, she needed affirmation. That's the way its going to go for a lot of people.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Alot of things are easier said then done, thats what seperates the can does and can nots. Taking the hard road that seperates the weak and the strong, the honorable from the lier.

Stating the obvious, is fine, but giving a perspective on how to prevent additional pain or making a change by sharing experiences is awsome!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OneMan said:


> She had an affair because she's a selfish woman, not because of his drug habits.
> 
> She broke the trust between them. SHE'S the one who needs to get her crap together.
> 
> ...


He put drugs ahead of his wife. Drug abuse is a lot like cheating .. except that it's a chemical that has the drug addited spouse's whole attention.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No matter the addiction, its an idividual choice to start/stop, Just like its an idividual choice to keep ones vows or leave. A much harder road to take but a choice all the same.

My thinking is if it wasn't drugs, it would have been some other excuse to cheat, and get the validation she was looking for. Now if the WW can face this issue, and the OP can face his drug issue then the WW might beable to fix this.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

OneMan said:


> Weed is not an addiction and even if it was, it does not justify her extramarital behavior.


It may not be an addiction for you, but it can be for others. While there is no physical addiction to marijuana (though some would argue that) it can certainly result in a psychological addiction.

And yes, you are right...it cannot be used to justify her extramarital affair.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

OneMan said:


> Weed is not an addiction and even if it was, it does not justify her extramarital behavior. She's still cheating on the man and gas lighting him. She cheated because she solely wanted to.


While most say that weed is not addictive, there are some who use it as though they are addicted. He apparently was/is using pot to the point that it interferes with his normal functioning. Tha's a huge problem. He's self-medicating. He ignored his wife and his responsibilities as a husband. He is having such a hard time giving up the drug that he's going to NA. 

He chose to ignore and mistreat her. He's been selfish and self-centered.

She chose to cheat. 

They are both wrong.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya there both wrong. Hes making an effort to work on him self, she is not. Until her affair is over and a real NC is in effect the dynamics of the marriage will be effected...all the weed he smoke will not change the influence the OM has on the marriage.

Bottom line, she must end all contact with OM for the marriage to work. He has no control over her and it is up to her to take the step *now* in making her marriage work.

Lets end the blame game and help this guy with some of our experiences.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ok, I don't think adults stop at kissing. It can happen but very unlikely. Given that this had been happening for an year, it is more likely than not that she had sex with him. She even stayed over with him? This is a common theme. The cheating spouse only admits the minimum. I'm telling you this because a physical affair might be a deal breaker for you.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Warlock07 has a point, what guy would invest in that kind of time without getting any? What sucks is it can't be proven.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

brokenbloke said:


> No kids...just a 6 year relationship. I appreciate the feedback, really do.
> 
> As for seeing him still, she still met/talked with him after "it" happened, and has seen him (at his work; she had to go there for an unrelated reason and said she spoke with him, albeit she said they were not alone).
> 
> ...


I am pretty sure that she had sex with him. Yes, you are being naive. She was lying for an year if you haven't noticed already. Lying again shouldn't be that big of a problem. I'm pretty sure she will come up with the reason that she lied because she doesn't want to hurt you anymore and the fact she had sex with him will devastate you. 

If you decide to reconcile accept the fact the she did have sex with him. You are going to find it out sooner or later. Tell her this and ask to come clean. And that you cannot survive more lies. If she cannot and will not confess, you will be up to false reconciliation. And it will be a waste of both of your time if your reconciliation is built around dishonesty(hers)


Does this guy have a wife? You should inform her. Inform the HR for inappropriate relation with a subordinate. 

No, she cannot work there. They cannot work together.



Edit: How did you find out about this stuff? You might want to monitor her activity. If you have a home PC, install a keylogger.


----------



## whatevahz (Feb 22, 2012)

Weed, it is simply undefined as a substance because it could be anything from bath salts to poppy. If your doing an illegal drug, you know those rehabs ain't so bad, it's like three meals a place to sleep and bathe and a bunch of other better sedating drugs. As far as the girl is concerned, if she can't accept your addiction as part of the package that needs to be resorted she can't return to sender and dial the number again thinking she got the wrong one and clear the air before she approaches the subject, she is either a diligent wife or a workaholic, and you might need both but simple isn't easy when the situation requires a moments notice and a scheduled moments prior notice. So, independence is a nice addiction also, acknowledge it or move to california or where ever marijuana is legal by licensed recommendation and get a legal prescription for the rehab and sit and wait that treatment out or work with it depending on the specifics. It's not a bad option, and her, a lot of women are like that either you want to stick with her or not and if she hasn't cleared her mind and isn't able to settle down long enough to take a vacation and is just basically eye candy at home and isn't a whole lot worth noticing anyway, evaluate your personal needs out the chick. I can't tell you what to do, but women are not one tracked however obviously viewed as the whole big picture, and times they do change and women as their personalities are always changing, it's like some kind of weird competitive courtship they don't even realize relating to fertility, and they can't help it and it take a patient man to put up with them long term. Enjoy the aspect you have of her, if you'd like, and know the half ton of show she puts on at the office is most likely something you'd either have revulsion or rejection for, and if it is something you'd like to see her put on for you, offer to chip in on the cleaner bill and ask her to put something else on for ya and order a pizza, it comes in veggie and cheezeless I think anyway. 








brokenbloke said:


> Ok, Ill try to be specific. Been married 2.5 years, dated for several before that. Generally had a good relationship this whole time, very much in love etc...Now, for the past ten years or so I've had a drug habit. I've struggled with weed, off and on, or sometimes more, sometimes less, for the past ten years. Im a smart enough guy, I get good greats, I play high-level soccer etc, but I have struggled to eliminate weed from my life. To that end, about a year ago I started getting into weed again on a more consistent basis. Over a three month period or so it developed into an unhealthy habit/addiction. In the process
> over that 3 month period my wife and I started getting a bit distant. I would be out often with friends, smoking etc. and we began spending less time together (honey-moon phase over?) and growing a bit distant. She started feeling distant to me at least. Or I should say, felt I wasnt around as much as i should for her, wasnt pulling my weight in the marriage, both emotionally, and house chores etc...
> 
> Now at some point over that same 3 month period she began a new job and started a friendship with her co-worker(where she volunteered at and hopefully would eventually get a job at). He has so much in common with her. They both are extremely passionate about their work and work-related things (teaching, fitness etc). At some point during the initial 3 month phase she admitted to me that she was having an innappropriate relationship with this guy. It started out just that they got along very well,
> ...


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look, youve got a drug problem, but she s using that to explain away her having sex with a man who is not her husband.

Weed is bad, but it isn't cheating,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

OneMan said:


> Oh yea you can bet she did have sex with him, on more than one occasion.
> 
> She told you she went to his house multiple times and it only went to kissing? Hell no. The OM didn't bring her there for make-out sessions.


I agree. If she'd come to my place three times, I would have nailed her at least two of those times. If she'd come twice (no pun intended) without giving it up, there's never been a third time. This is bring back a lot of old memories.:smthumbup: But who am I to say. Maybe they're just friends.


----------

