# The affair made me care?



## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Before my wifes affair I didn't care much...and did my own thing mostly. I loved being alone and spending time with friends etc. We were friends and it was nice at times but not great. Admittedly I drank too much watch ball games etc.

I know that is exactly why the affair happened. That said, since the affair I am now obsessed with her. I spend every waking moment with her (she loves that apparently) and feel munipulated into giving up everything outside of her comfort zone. WTF happened? Why is that?

I'm guessing I cannot make sense of this and my wife is truly remorseful and really loving now. The resentment appears to be growning 9 months out. I have serious anger issues so this is like a toxic mix right now. 

WTF happened here? Wonder why I now care so damn much? I hate the affair but love her like 5 times more. Bizarre?!?

Its also like GREAT with her now...but then unreal frustrating at other times. I'm bout to nad up and be my self but now I'm worried she'll cheat again. Anyone feel like that? What did you do?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Because you're afraid if you ignore her again she'll cheat again. It's not that you didn't care, you got lazy and complacent. We've all been through it, well most of us.

It's like that favorite toy you had as a kid. You loved it and it was always with you but as time went on you ignored it more and more but it was always still next to you. You just didn't play with it as much, but if someone else picked it up you defended that toy like a demon.

Now that you know someone else will actually play with that toy you realize you'll have to pay more attention to it to keep others away from it.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> WTF happened here? Wonder why I now care so damn much? I hate the affair but love her like 5 times more. Bizarre?!?


Sometimes when we are forced to face losing someone, we realize how much we don't want to lose them. It's a wake-up call. Could that have happened with you?


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Because you're afraid if you ignore her again she'll cheat again. It's not that you didn't care, you got lazy and complacent. We've all been through it, well most of us.
> 
> It's like that favorite toy you had as a kid. You loved it and it was always with you but as time went on you ignored it more and more but it was always still next to you. You just didn't play with it as much, but if someone else picked it up you defended that toy like a demon.
> 
> Now that you know someone else will actually play with that toy you realize you'll have to pay more attention to it to keep others away from it.


Probably. I wish my wife wasn't so increbibly hot (not being a prick here but she is damn near perfect looking) and I could just get back to chill mode. Guess thats not happening again.

Also, she is so damn nice. She is doing everything to make it better but I'm just a total penis to her all the time. Hating myself for getting so lame and defensive about this crap. I feel like I need to shut up but CAN'T!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bizarre? No. You nearly tossed your wife away, then realised what you were doing.

Were you depressed? Hormone problem? Get an appointment with your doctor.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Before my wifes affair I didn't care much...and did my own thing mostly. I loved being alone and spending time with friends etc. We were friends and it was nice at times but not great. Admittedly I drank too much watch ball games etc.
> 
> I know that is exactly why the affair happened. That said, since the affair I am now obsessed with her. I spend every waking moment with her (she loves that apparently) and feel munipulated into giving up everything outside of her comfort zone. WTF happened? Why is that?
> 
> ...


It's far too common for someone who has been cheated on by a cheating spouse to blame themselves and to be far too eager to accept blame. 

Your complacency does not justify cheating. 

So you were in the companionate stage of your marriage. That is supposed to be a good thing. 

If this bothered your wife, marriage counseling could have easily solved it. 

Wanting what you think you might lose is a normal stage after being cheated on. It's part of the hysterical bonding. 

Hysterical bonding won't last. It's a temporary stage. 

When it lessons the real anger and pain my hit you, and you may actually become disgusted with your wife no matter how perfect you think she is. 

No one is perfect, BTW. Do you think you have your wife perched too high on that pedastal. 

I did the same with my spouse. 

I finally woke up to reality. 

My spouse is a passive aggressive person who wants everyone to see him as a nice guy, even though he really isn't a nice guy. 

Everybody who knows my STBEH superficially likes him and thinks he's a great guy. Even some who know him well are fooled by his nice guy persona.

A few people who really know him see right through him and dislike him intensely. 

My STBEH is manipulative and emotionally abusive. But he does it in a way your not sure he's doing it. It's called ambient abuse and gaslighting. 

It's like that beer commercial about the older guy who does all these interesting things and everyone thanks him for nothing. 

He even emotionally abused and manipulated his affair partner based on some emails I read. 

When I showed those to my IC, he suggested he had heavy narcissistic traits and was perhaps suffering from a personality disorder.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so what happened in the last week?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/54652-leaving-wife-kids.html


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Shocker said:


> Before my wifes affair I didn't care much...and did my own thing mostly. I loved being alone and spending time with friends etc. We were friends and it was nice at times but not great. Admittedly I drank too much watch ball games etc.
> 
> I know that is exactly why the affair happened. That said, since the affair I am now obsessed with her. I spend every waking moment with her (she loves that apparently) and feel munipulated into giving up everything outside of her comfort zone. WTF happened? Why is that?
> 
> ...





Shocker said:


> Probably. I wish my wife wasn't so increbibly hot (not being a prick here but she is damn near perfect looking) and I could just get back to chill mode. Guess thats not happening again.
> 
> Also, she is so damn nice. She is doing everything to make it better *but I'm just a total penis to her all the time.* Hating myself for getting so lame and defensive about this crap. I feel like I need to shut up but CAN'T!


 
How you go from staying on your JOB to thinking you can slack?? You want a flow through of fuss post or you really are what you said in BOLD.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dammit, AR, you beat me to the punch!!


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so what happened in the last week?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/54652-leaving-wife-kids.html


Still back and forth but moving towards leaving. House if going up for sale soon. I think she is definately lying to me about things and probably still seeing the other man. I could be paranoid but highly doubt it.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

shaylady said:


> How you go from staying on your JOB to thinking you can slack?? You want a flow through of fuss post or you really are what you said in BOLD.


Not sure I understand that post but I am up and down with what to do and I am mean sometimes. I feel like she is lying to me about just about everything. Definately extremely hard but she is begging me to start over and not leave her. I'm lost on what to do here but I'm feeling I need to leave and start a new. Heart breaking for sure.


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## shocknawe (Jul 8, 2012)

This post is similar to my issue. I also have a beautiful wife. Slender, gorgeous complexion, perfect body and i got complacent...and I mistreated her. Over and over. And now there is some guy around that would just love to play with her. It is tiring being on edge about this dude who clearly wants to swoop in and take my wife from me, but the difference between my wife and yours, is that yours is remorseful. Mine is encouraging it!


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

I think you should try to separate your feelings on how you feel about your wife from a looks standpoint. A marriage is about more than just looks and physical attraction. Would you tolerate this behavior from your wife if she was just "average looking" ?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

LMAO.

No energy to look up past posts I made regarding my confusion about this phenomenon and I dont feel like launching into a biological explanation for what is occuring. I have researched this topic exuastivel. I couldn't understand the incredible shift in my thought processes and the extreme emotional peaks and valleys I went through after my xW's A.... all of what I would tell you is mumbo jumbo, while Im sure most of it is true... it doesn't matter... It is what it is, and it is part of what makes us human...

What I can tell you which may have some value to you....

Your feelings are chemically induced and the intensity of these emotions can not be sustained. What you feel now (False "r" fuel I'll call it), will fade. When you 'come down' or 'sober up' there will be a lot of anger and pain and there is going to be a lot of work to do. The real test will be when it's time to do that work, your motivation has faded and your pain is no longer numbed by these 'magic' rose colored glasses... lol.

BTW, I'm not laughing at you, Im laughing at how absurd this was when I felt it... It's gone now, and I often wonder if I would have been in "R" this whole time what I would be going through now... Double edged sword, I envy people who got a chance to R, but I wouldn't want to be them... Ironic.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes people are careless with precious objects. When they nearly drop them, they become more careful. 

Don't drop this precious object again...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Before my wifes affair I didn't care much...and did my own thing mostly. I loved being alone and spending time with friends etc. We were friends and it was nice at times but not great. Admittedly I drank too much watch ball games etc.
> 
> I know that is exactly why the affair happened. That said, since the affair I am now obsessed with her. I spend every waking moment with her (she loves that apparently) and feel munipulated into giving up everything outside of her comfort zone. WTF happened? Why is that?
> 
> ...


Even if that is the reason why the affair happened, it does not justify it. Sure it may be wrong to live as if you were single and independent if you were married and now you "see the light" but it still does not justify an affair.

You'll be on a roller coaster of emotions, hot and cold, but its ok, keep focusing on yourself mentally and more importantly physically. What we eat and how we live affects our MINDS, our brains chemicals which can affect our character, our emotions and our ability to communicate with others and ultimately cope with problems.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

You can't change your nature. And she can't change hers, as well.
What you are narating is a temporary phenomenon, in my opinion.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Still back and forth but moving towards leaving. House if going up for sale soon. I think she is definately lying to me about things and probably still seeing the other man. I could be paranoid but highly doubt it.


In the past, when I knew of a person who had been cheated on, I would always say he/she will leave in about five years.

I have never been wrong yet. Many people that I have known, stayed in the marriage trying to make it work, but the infidelity typically broke it beyond repair. 

I thinks it's the deception of it. It forever takes away the trust in the person you were supposed to be able to trust the most. The resentment of being deceived and lied to and sometimes stolen from in the form of gifts or money taken from marital assets to please the affair partner, is often difficult to get past for most human beings. A robot maybe could rationalize it, a human can not.

Also, usually everyone knows but the BS, so if that's the case there is a lot of humiliation to deal with.


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## Zak68 (Feb 14, 2012)

I have to say I'm the opposite. I poured so much into our relationship when she was drinking/cheating that when I decided to stay married it was because of everything but looks. We have an emotional bond after 19 years of marriage. Yeah, she put me through hell and I have scars and slow healing wounds to prove it but I don't go out of my way now to prove I love her.

If she doesn't appreciate me for who I am and how well I treat her, and if she doesn't appreciate the fact she has a person who is willing to try and move past the pain she caused... she can just leave. 

She's used all her 2nd, 3rd chances and I made that clear. If she can't keep her pants up and stop drinking we're done. I know she's changed now that she is sober and I am giving her a chance. I went out of my way to tell/show her I loved her back then, look where it got me.

Don't get me wrong. I tell her daily I love her. I hold her. I do special things with her. We enjoy each other's company. I don't go overboard like I used to in the past.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Sometimes people are careless with precious objects. When they nearly drop them, they become more careful.
> 
> Don't drop this precious object again...


Ah yes... But isn't that the question? Perhaps this object isn't nearly as precious as he believes, its certainly far from rare. 

Sounds like he's recognizing what he sees and thinks may not be what it appears to be... Isn't this whole post symbolic of him 'pinching himself'?

I only say this because I went through it, and to some degree I see this phenomenon happen over and over with smoggy BS's... 

That urgency and overwelming NEED to prevent 'uncoupling' fades... the rose colored glasses don't stay... Hate to call it a self induced mirage but it simply doesnt make sense... and there is a reason... it's not entirely real.


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