# Did I do the right thing or make a mistake?



## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.

If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?

I ended it, and quite a few people are telling me it was harsh because my friends and family like him so much and think it's obviously he loves me and is devoted to me. We were together for six months and he was always faithful, loving and he was there for me for /with anything and supportive, protective, kind and generous on every level - maybe the most loving boyfriend I have ever had. I just couldn't figure out how to be with someone who said they didn't want a future with me.

He's miserable about it and wants to see me but it sounds like that's more to say goodbye than to try and fix it. 

Did I do the right thing?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ultimately, the most important criteria is your own. You being a person of integrity and acting in a way that's consistently aligned with your values is what matters.

You don't need anyone else's permission and/or approval.

So, if your goal is to eventually be married, then your decision was perfectly in line with who you are and what you want.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I think age plays a huge factor in this decision.

If you're in your late 20's or early 30's and *looking* to get into a serious relationship that will lead to marriage and ultimately a family within the next few years, then I'd say yes, it was a good decision to move on from this guy. I will say you have to give him points for being *honest *and not just telling you what you want to hear and stringing you along. 

I could understand that after only 6 months, the guy doesn't want to run to the jewelry store and buy a diamond. Of course not! But it's his statement that he's not sure he'd *EVER* be ready that's a huge red flag. You read all the time about women who cling to these guys year after year after year hoping he'll change his mind and in the end, they get nowhere. Except now, if they wanted kids, they're too old to have them. Or, they're at an age where it would take so long to start all over again finding a new relationship that would hopefully lead to marriage but that they'd be looking at trying to have kids in their mid-to-late-40's. Neither is an appealing option for those who chose to give their childbearing years to men who wouldn't commit to them.

So IF your goal is marriage and kids, he's probably not the best choice to hitch your wagon to.

I can almost guarantee you, however, that he's learned from his 'mistake' of telling you the truth and will likely start trying to find ways to appease you by claiming maybe he was too hasty in what he said and that maybe he can commit and blah blah blah. Some guys start to do this when they don't want to lose you. They just tell you what you want to hear. Ask all those ladies I mentioned above who got strung along year after year and have nothing to show for it.

Just be wise.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just as a suspect spouse senses spousal "cheating" deep within their "gut instincts," a person who may be falling in love will also have it in their "gut" if a new relationship is going to show any signs of lasting permanence!

Isn't it remarkably strange how one's "gut" talks to them about such important things?*


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I think you may have been a little hasty but from reading your previous thread it is understandable why you want to protect yourself.
You are mid thirties so I assume he is around the same age.By that age most people are looking for a long term relationship with a view to marriage,children etc.
It appears you’re not prepared to settle and that is a sign that your self esteem has improved since your last thread.Maybe give the guy a chance to state his case but do not backtrack on what you want.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Thank you to everyone for replying. 

To elaborate a little - yes - @Andy1001 I had come from a very long period (maybe 5 years or so) of just dating the worst men where it never progressed to a loving relationship so I was clear of what I wanted this time. I don't have some desperate need to be partnered up to just anyone, but my long term goal definitely includes a loving partner. 
@She'sStillGotIt I agree on the age thing. I've had my child and so has he and neither of us want more. I've got no desire really to get married, or to have kids, but I do have an underlying life philosophy that love is about the best thing we have to give /receive and it's what adds meaning to our lives. So what I was growing with him WAS that. I am not sure what he was doing if not the same. I don't expect promises that things would last forever, but it sounded like he was saying he didn't even believe those things existed or were important on his life radar. In fact when I asked him what his life plans and goals were he had absolutely no answer to that. He just didn't seem to be truly looking for love, so it was confusing to me why he was growing a relationship with me.

I was clear with this guy from our first conversation that I was (a) really tired of commitment-phobic men and (b) wanting to just meet someone who was a great guy and for us to see how it went without any crazy. I am angry now he didn't tell me his views then, but what happened was that I judged him off his actions and because they were always so loving and commitment-friendly so I thought we were on the same page because of how he acted.

When you list all the stuff a commitment-phobe does, he didn't do ANY of those things. He volunteered to meet my friends, he volunteered to meet my family and then wanted to hang out with them (still does!), he wanted to integrate lives, he wanted to talk about the future and what we'd name our future dog, we even googled houses, he wanted to delete his online dating profile immediately, he wanted regular and intimate communication, he wanted to see me, even if I was sick, even if he was sick. In fact when I was sick he insisted in coming over and batch cooking a freezing meals for me for the week. He was SO caring, nurturing and loving to me I didn't have doubts he was investing.

But every time we'd talked about marriage /love / life he'd expressed some seriously cynical opinions that I laughed off (called him the Grinch) but then it kind of dawned on me that he really meant it. So when I questioned him about it and I told him I wanted something lasting with someone who believed in the value of sharing a long term commitment with someone else, that's when he was finally open and told me he wasn't in the same place as me and wasn't sure he would ever be. So I ended it.

I am feeling a bit now like all that was just fake or something  If he was happy with me, it doesn't make any sense of why he'd not see himself maybe being happy in 5 years or 10 and it was really only the idea that he'd be hopeful for that which I wanted from him.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I can almost guarantee you, however, that he's learned from his 'mistake' of telling you the truth and will likely start trying to find ways to appease you by claiming maybe he was too hasty in what he said and that maybe he can commit and blah blah blah. Some guys start to do this when they don't want to lose you. They just tell you what you want to hear. Ask all those ladies I mentioned above who got strung along year after year and have nothing to show for it.
> 
> Just be wise.


This.....all of it !

It is happening to a friend of my wife right now. You get the guy introduced to your family...you to his...blah blah blah and before you know it all your emotional investment is tangled
together and hard as hell to unwrap. I'm certain the friend of my wife wishes she could undo it all.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

He'd had a bad marriage very young, he calls it "dreadful", where she pretty much disappeared when he was at work with their daughter and has made it pretty difficult for 15 years for him to see her. He sees her a lot now she old enough, but it's definitely a painful subject for him and he said it put him off marriage for life. That was followed up right away with a very long relationship with someone he loved once, but where it fell apart and he stayed for many years and feels he wasted his life being obligated and then felt horrible when he eventually left her and she was sad. Right before he met me, he'd moved to the city, finally got his own apartment and felt like he was starting a new chapter filled with fun and youth. I get that he wasn't thinking "this is the right time to meet my wife". 

But then I feel like he should have gone and dated casually. He progressed the relationship with me to "serious" and he says he wants to be in it, but he can't offer me the idea that he thinks the solution to his happiness is for that to last. I think he views things that last as the enemy, or the route to misery and he doesn't want to feel obligated again. I do understand all that, but at the same time it just makes me sad and angry that maybe he can't see the solution to not being stuck in a miserable relationship for years is to leave it once you're not happy. Rather than to just never be happy.

Even as I am typing this, I can kind of see his point or why he feels the way he does. He probably is committed to me, and doesn't want to leave but he doesn't want to do anything that ties him down or makes him obligated. I can't really express too well why this bothers me, but I feel a bit like he'd get over it if he loved me enough and so it triggers my fear that I am going to wake up one day and find him gone.

Do you think I should meet him as he's asked? I feel a bit unsure about how if /how this can be fixed. I do understand where he's at but I also think it's perfectly reasonable for me to be asking for a possibility of permanence and if he has issues with that for him to work on the roots of it. Maybe therapy. Anything to just show he doesn't want to lose me.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> This.....all of it !
> 
> It is happening to a friend of my wife right now. You get the guy introduced to your family...you to his...blah blah blah and before you know it all your emotional investment is tangled
> together and hard as hell to unwrap. I'm certain the friend of my wife wishes she could undo it all.


This is all the stuff that confuses me! I am worried that if I try and work this out, years down the road I will kick myself because I was with a man who'd expressed he had negative views of commitments. My sister is saying to me that I should be more patient given his history and that I should acknowledge that he's been loving to me every waking moment since we met and clearly dotes on me. She also says what people say doesn't matter, because any guy can say he sees a future and it isn't necessarily true or what will happen and that you have to base decisions on how happy you are together :frown2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> When you list all the stuff a commitment-phobe does, he didn't do ANY of those things. He volunteered to meet my friends, he volunteered to meet my family and then wanted to hang out with them (still does!), he wanted to integrate lives, he wanted to talk about the future and what we'd name our future dog, we even googled houses, he wanted to delete his online dating profile immediately, he wanted regular and intimate communication, he wanted to see me, even if I was sick, even if he was sick. In fact when I was sick he insisted in coming over and batch cooking a freezing meals for me for the week. He was SO caring, nurturing and loving to me I didn't have doubts he was investing.


I've met the families of guys I didn't plan on spending my life with. I've met their friends as well. Not everyone sees meeting the family or friends as a step toward a future. Sometimes, you just meet them because you're going to a birthday party with your boyfriend and all his friends are there, or he brings you with him to his family's 4th of July cookout, etc. etc. Hell, I ended up having dinner with a guy's family on our FIRST date one time! LOL. It wasn't planned, but it strangely enough just happened to end up that way. It happens.

I think what you're confusing is that his desire to be with you (which is why he stopped his dating profile and wants to spend time with you and get a dog and house in the future, and seeing you when you were sick, etc.) is like anyone else's. But the *difference* with him is that he wants all the perks and benefits of a long-term relationship and is willing to play house to get it, but only on his terms. He wants what all the big boys are having, but he didoesn't want to make the ultimate commitment in order to get it. 

I think you were wise to move on.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I've met the families of guys I didn't plan on spending my life with. I've met their friends as well. Not everyone sees meeting the family or friends as a step toward a future. Sometimes, you just meet them because you're going to a birthday party with your boyfriend and all his friends are there, or he brings you with him to his family's 4th of July cookout, etc. etc. Hell, I ended up having dinner with a guy's family on our FIRST date one time! LOL. It wasn't planned, but it strangely enough just happened to end up that way. It happens.
> 
> 
> I think what you're confusing is that his desire to be with you (which is why he stopped his dating profile and wants to spend time with you and get a dog and house in the future, and seeing you when you were sick, etc.) is like anyone else's. But the *difference* with him is that he wants all the perks and benefits of a long-term relationship and is willing to play house to get it, but only on his terms. He wants what all the big boys are having, but he didoesn't want to make the ultimate commitment in order to get it.
> ...



that's very well explained. 

I have to say I have met a LOT of guys who were commitment allergic, and they generally made that much more clear in their actions in terms of keeping lives separate and drop feeding. He was the opposite way, which confused me, but you've stated it very well.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> He'd had a bad marriage very young, he calls it "dreadful", where she pretty much disappeared when he was at work with their daughter and has made it pretty difficult for 15 years for him to see her. He sees her a lot now she old enough, but it's definitely a painful subject for him and he said it put him off marriage for life. That was followed up right away with a very long relationship with someone he loved once, but where it fell apart and he stayed for many years and feels he wasted his life being obligated and then felt horrible when he eventually left her and she was sad. Right before he met me, he'd moved to the city, finally got his own apartment and felt like he was starting a new chapter filled with fun and youth. I get that he wasn't thinking "this is the right time to meet my wife".
> 
> But then I feel like he should have gone and dated casually. He progressed the relationship with me to "serious" and he says he wants to be in it, but he can't offer me the idea that he thinks the solution to his happiness is for that to last. I think he views things that last as the enemy, or the route to misery and he doesn't want to feel obligated again. I do understand all that, but at the same time it just makes me sad and angry that maybe he can't see the solution to not being stuck in a miserable relationship for years is to leave it once you're not happy. Rather than to just never be happy.
> 
> ...


I'll just say this.

If he hasn't been able to get his **** together *in the 15 years he's had since this happened*, then this is just an even BIGGER red flag. I could understand him feeling this way if it only happened a couple of years ago, but 15 years is long enough to get his act together. An please don't make the mistake of thinking you can 'fix' him. 

Don't allow yourself to have to pay for the sins of some other woman.

I predict you'll cave and you'll come back and tell us you have a new understanding with him. LOL. So I will just say good luck to you - you deserve only the best. :smile2:


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Thank you. I really don't think I will cave. He's not the type to try and persuade me in any case. He'll just let it go and feel sad. Thank you for the answers, what you said helped.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, meet up with him.

It could be his bitter jitters speaking not his fluttering heart.

Let him speak his peace (piece?).

If he amends the present FWB [unwritten contract] and wants to continue the honeymoon..... tell him yes.

But, put a time limit on it.....

Give him six months to convince your good sense.
Express your fears.

Tell him that you do not want to 'use up' any more of your youth on a promise not given.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, meet up with him.
> 
> It could be his bitter jitters speaking not his fluttering heart.
> 
> ...


I was confused really about why he wanted to meet up, but as our breakup happened over text message rather than in person and I haven't seen him since (happened three days ago) I thought maybe I'd regret it if I didn't at least go and say goodbye and we can exchange our Christmas presents and have a goodbye in person which seems fitting after such a close relationship for six months.

Since the breakup three days ago, he has messaged me a lot that he misses me and is sad, but not a hint of even an inch of compromise or regret on any of this aside from reminiscing, being regretful of things we didn't get to do together and calling himself an "idiot". What hurts me most is that despite all that, he seems to have accepted it as reality without a fight. In fact he was asking if he could keep seeing me as a friend, so that sounded maybe even like he was happy to let me go and would be fine with being pals. 

He's been insistent on us meeting up, although I am reluctant because I'm so upset, I was trying to mail his gift to him but he wouldn't give me the address (I don't know it in full!) and kept saying could he please come and see me. I said "no" to that because I don't want him in my house after this, but said I'd meet him in a public place. 

Man this sucks right before Christmas. All the people that can't be together for real reasons, and then you get people who choose it. I'll never get it.

He said he needed to see me, but I really don't think it's going to be to tell me anything differently.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP why in the world are you feeling guilty? The guy made it clear to you he is not in it for the long term, and that's what you are looking for. He laid the foundation for having an out for anything relationship wise he doesn't want to do. Take a trip with the kids like a family.."nah, I don't think we should do that" Two years from now you want to move in together..."oh gosh no, I need my space" Holidays, family events, life changing events, bad days or good days, he will pick and chose what he wants to be a part of because he's not committed.



*** edit*** You made your last post as I was writing. I'm a man and a father, this is what I would tell my daughter... This guys refusal to give his address and insistence on meeting is concerning. That's a control ploy, he is trying to put you in a compromising position and pressuring you. At this point my advise is to tell him to bug off, go no contact, return the gifts to the store, move on with your life. You don't need or want his kind of crap in your life.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> *In fact he was asking if he could keep seeing me as a friend,* so that sounded maybe even like he was happy to let me go and would be fine with being pals.


:crying:

I love you but am not in love with you comes through...

Maybe he is not capable of deep love, he is somewhat 'on the spectrum' ?

Then again, some people are cool.

Warm to the touch, cool too much.

If he is passionately in love with you he will beat down your door to......hold you close.

I think he only wants to share your body, not the larger essence that is you.
Friends with benefits is all he is [presently] offering.

Nope. 
No, thank you.


Keep in mind when he gets lonely, when he gets horny, he may up the ante, then he may tell you lies.

Yes, and per his cool conversation of "Can't we be friends?".... means you should *hold off meeting with him.*

Let him know you are in charge.

He is counting on your feelings of love for him to break your own resolve.

This will resolve itself.
In short time.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> :crying:
> 
> I love you but am not in love with you comes through...
> 
> ...


He does have Aspergers syndrome. Great intuition you have, so the emotional side of life doesn't come easy to him. He's a very typical Aspergers and also an INTJ personality type so he's non verbal with emotions and sees life very rationally. I don't believe he'd ever try and get me into bed by manipulative means, he's got a very strong sense of justice. I think in his view I am (in his own words) "way out of his league" and he probably never thought I would want a long term life with him anyway. He's not got a lot of self belief like that. To be honest, I don't think even now he knows I want a long term life with him. I think the way his brain works is simple: I told him that his view on life /love /relationships was painful for me, therefore he will leave me alone to be with someone better. I don't think he'd ever want me to be anything other than happy and when he says he wants to be friends I think that's genuine - he's capable of that sort of detachment.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hate to say this....

He would be a poor choice as a baby producer.
No one knows the exact reason for Asperger [there are many] but, his genetics would increase your chance of having an Asperger's child.

There is a linkage, not connected to any one gene but more so a combination of them.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> I hate to say this....
> 
> He would be a poor choice as a baby producer.
> No one knows the exact reason for Asperger [there are many] but, his genetics would increase your chance of having an Asperger's child.
> ...


Actually I already have an Aspergers child, and sister and father so I am pretty used to it  I think why I fit well with this guy is that it's very normal for me. I also don't want any more children. Clearly given my family, it is definitely genetically linked but to be honest I don't see it as a disability more of a difference and Aspie's come with a lot of wonderful qualities and tend to not have some of the worst characteristics a lot of neuro typical people can have (like manipulation).


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I don't know why your family and friends say you moved too soon. He told you what he is looking for and it's not the same as what you are looking for. If you stay in a relationship who cannot meet the most basic requirement you have for a relationship you will be in a constant state of discomfort. He likes you and likes being in a relationship with you, but he doesn't want to have any responsibility. It's all fun and games. When trouble comes you cannot rely on someone like that. I think you made a difficult, yet appropriate choice.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

CynthiaDe said:


> I don't know why your family and friends say you moved too soon. He told you what he is looking for and it's not the same as what you are looking for. If you stay in a relationship who cannot meet the most basic requirement you have for a relationship you will be in a constant state of discomfort. He likes you and likes being in a relationship with you, but he doesn't want to have any responsibility. It's all fun and games. When trouble comes you cannot rely on someone like that. I think you made a difficult, yet appropriate choice.


I think they're (a) blinded by how much they like him and how much they know of how great he was to me (b) disappointed that I was finally happy and sad for me that it turned to this because it shocked them. I think in the long run they'll understand, as you said, that being happy now isn't worth all that much if you know the person you're invested in isn't invested in you (no matter how much it seems)


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Exactly. You are looking for someone to invest in, but it has to be mutual. You know that isn't the case so why continue. It doesn't make sense. You are wise to have cut it off quickly and simply. There's really nothing left to talk about. And the fact that he won't give you his address to send the gift bothers me because it has to be on his terms or not at all, which seems to be what this whole thing is about at the core.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

I could probably look up his address in my uber history so maybe I am making excuses too. I think he just wants to see me. At first he was asking if he could come and collect various non existent things from my house, then it migrated to could he please come over and give me my presents. His communication has always been through touch / doing things for me rather than verbal so he probably doesn't know how to express any of this over a text message but I do think he's really sad (not enough obviously but at least sad). We can't talk on the phone right now as his phone has gone weird and you can only hear every third word so this entire thing has been through text message which isn't the best.

Anyway, I am going to meet him, because I think in the long term I'd feel sad I didn't say goodbye in person. I can't change how I feel on this subject, but I am sure we've had a great relationship and that I care about him a lot and it's been nice feeling loved for this time because it was honestly SO long since I felt like that that I had forgotten it completely. 

I feel a lot better over the course of the day. It just gets tiring that's all when all you want is just to find something lasting. I hope all the people on here posting relationship problems know how lucky they are even if there's problems to have someone who loves you and chooses you and vice versa. Seems like such a simple thing to want or to find, but also pretty hard. I know if /when I find it, I will really appreciate it (and maybe he's not in that same headspace and in five years he will get what I mean)


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Actually I already have an Aspergers child, and sister and father so I am pretty used to it  I think why I fit well with this guy is that it's very normal for me. I also don't want any more children. Clearly given my family, it is definitely genetically linked but to be honest I don't see it as a disability more of a difference and Aspie's come with a lot of wonderful qualities and *tend to not have some of the worst characteristics a lot of neuro typical people can have (like manipulation).*


So true!

Bless You! :smile2:


Now what?

I am stumped.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

" He volunteered to meet my friends, he volunteered to meet my family and then wanted to hang out with them (still does!), he wanted to integrate lives, he wanted to talk about the future and what we'd name our future dog, we even googled houses, he wanted to delete his online dating profile immediately, he wanted regular and intimate communication, he wanted to see me, even if I was sick, even if he was sick. In fact when I was sick he insisted in coming over and batch cooking a freezing meals for me for the week. He was SO caring, nurturing and loving to me I didn't have doubts he was investing."
"We were together for six months and he was always faithful, loving and he was there for me for /with anything and supportive, protective, kind and generous on every level - maybe the most loving boyfriend I have ever had. I just couldn't figure out how to be with someone who said they didn't want a future with me."

Honestly, he may SAY he won't commit, but he sounds pretty committed already. I think the idea of marriage or SAYING that he would do that scares the crap out of him based on what you said his previous relationships were like. It's only been 6 months -- do you think that he would all of a sudden bail on you? What exactly does COMMITMENT mean to you? Does it mean a ring on your finger at 6 months? Does it mean he says he WILL get married at some point in the future? If so, I think you should meet him, and have a deep discussion one last time to see if you can get to an agreement.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Colette2 said:


> Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.
> 
> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> ...


You did the right thing for you.

You want someone who is willing to commit to you.

And he told you he wasn't that person. 

And he was expecting what reaction, exactly? 

Obviously not the reaction of a woman who is looking for someone willing to commit to her for life, which was to say "bye!"

Your reaction was perfectly normal and totally appropriate.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Colette2 said:


> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> I ended it.
> 
> Did I do the right thing?


I think it's a really healthy thing that you ended it. The unhealthy thing would be hanging on and hoping you could 'change' him. You know what you want and it is not the same as what he wants. You know you deserve someone who wants to be with you forever, grow old with you and commit to you. That is not wrong.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> " He volunteered to meet my friends, he volunteered to meet my family and then wanted to hang out with them (still does!), he wanted to integrate lives, he wanted to talk about the future and what we'd name our future dog, we even googled houses, he wanted to delete his online dating profile immediately, he wanted regular and intimate communication, he wanted to see me, even if I was sick, even if he was sick. In fact when I was sick he insisted in coming over and batch cooking a freezing meals for me for the week. He was SO caring, nurturing and loving to me I didn't have doubts he was investing."
> "We were together for six months and he was always faithful, loving and he was there for me for /with anything and supportive, protective, kind and generous on every level - maybe the most loving boyfriend I have ever had. I just couldn't figure out how to be with someone who said they didn't want a future with me."
> 
> Honestly, he may SAY he won't commit, but he sounds pretty committed already. I think the idea of marriage or SAYING that he would do that scares the crap out of him based on what you said his previous relationships were like. It's only been 6 months -- do you think that he would all of a sudden bail on you? What exactly does COMMITMENT mean to you? Does it mean a ring on your finger at 6 months? Does it mean he says he WILL get married at some point in the future? If so, I think you should meet him, and have a deep discussion one last time to see if you can get to an agreement.


I feel like this may be giving her the advice to not listen to what he says. He may be afraid of marriage or commitment but saying he didn't want a future isn't something someone just throws out there. Why should she hang around hoping to change his mind? It's not fair to her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Violet28 said:


> I feel like this may be giving her the advice to not listen to what he says. He may be afraid of marriage or commitment but saying he didn't want a future isn't something someone just throws out there. Why should she hang around hoping to change his mind? It's not fair to her.


The reason I put it that way is that I wonder about the way it was phrased. Did he say " I see no future with you" or "I don't want a future with you", or did he say he didn't want to get married/commit (in general terms, not specific to HER).

If he flat out said "I see no future with you" then I agree, she needs to hear what he said. If he said he didn't want to commit (as in marriage), I think maybe she needs to delve into this further to find out what it really means any WHY he said it (is it HER or marriage he is afraid of).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Violet28 said:


> I feel like this may be giving her the advice to not listen to what he says. He may be afraid of marriage or commitment but saying he didn't want a future isn't something someone just throws out there. Why should she hang around hoping to change his mind? It's not fair to her.


The reason I put it that way is that I wonder about the way it was phrased. Did he say " I see no future with you" or "I don't want a future with you", or did he say he didn't want to get married/commit (in general terms, not specific to HER).

If he flat out said "I see no future with you" then I agree, she needs to hear what he said. If he said he didn't want to commit (as in marriage), I think maybe she needs to delve into this further to find out what it really means any WHY he said it (is it HER or marriage he is afraid of). I think she owes this to herself to find out...

EDT: Sorry, missed entirely that he is on the spectrum. Not qualified to really talk about that, so I defer to others who know more about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.
> 
> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> ...


Yes you did the right thing. If you are wanting to be with a man who will commit and maybe eventually marry then why waste your precious time on a man who wont do that? 
Best to end it now and find a man who wants what you do, than waste years on a man who doesn't.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's talking about what dating is and why we date. 

Dating is an interview and probationary period where spend time with someone doing a variety of things to see if you are both on the same page and are a good fit for each other and each working towards mutual goals and agendas. 

It is like an employment interview and probationary period to see if you are a good fit together. 

If everything clicks into place both are on the same sheet of music, then the relationship continues to grow and develop. 

If not, each is free to end the interview and probationary period and go back on the market, no harm no foul. 

In this instance, your goal is a permanent relationship, marriage, home and family and his goal is not no matter how he words or phrases it. 

Your goals and objectives and wanted outcomes do not match. Your interview and probationary period have revealed that although he is a nice person and you enjoy each other's company, you two are not a match for each other. 

There for you are doing the right thing in dissolving the dating process and going back on the market to find someone with similar goals and objectives.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> The reason I put it that way is that I wonder about the way it was phrased. Did he say " I see no future with you" or "I don't want a future with you", or did he say he didn't want to get married/commit (in general terms, not specific to HER).
> 
> If he flat out said "I see no future with you" then I agree, she needs to hear what he said. If he said he didn't want to commit (as in marriage), I think maybe she needs to delve into this further to find out what it really means any WHY he said it (is it HER or marriage he is afraid of).


It sounds like he said it in a general sense, but the fact that he said it at all, shows where his mind is at. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got the person told me to listen to my partner and not put words in their mouth or put my own interpretation on what they said. He said he doesn't want to get married or grow old with someone so that is all she has to go on. That's a very blunt statement. He may want to live with someone for a while and let them invest their time, energy and money into him, he may even do that for someone but he does not want a legal, lifelong commitment. Wasting time hoping for that or staying in a relationship with someone who clearly says they don't want those things is not listening to him or respecting yourself.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Colette2 said:


> Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.
> 
> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> ...


YES


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The thing with Aspies is they often have no filter and are capable of being honest to the point of cruelty.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Actually the conversation we had that led to this wasn't about commitment at all (he turned it into that), for me it was about emotions and him not showing positive ones or a true sense of emotional attachment in the language I understand. My sister explained to me later (she is also Aspie) that his brain doesn't work the same way and she thinks I picked a fight because I am the one scared of commitment and I was due to meet his friends for the first time the next day. My son said pretty much the same thing to me, which is what led me to feel so confused.

In terms of the exact words and context (thankfully I have this over text) it started the night before where we were discussing a friends' divorce and he said something on the lines of "I'd be utterly miserable without sex because it's one of the few joys in my life" and I was offended he felt that way about sex, but not love, or ME. It sounds so silly, but this was off the back of so many off the cuff remarks that indicated a general lack of emotion over life in general that I felt a bit insulted by the comment. 

This is an Aspie thing for sure, because they see the world so black and white and a lot less emotionally. I know this from my son where he says stuff on the lines of "Mama, "love" is something we have genetically imprinted on us to create social order" because he's wired that way. It doesn't mean he's not extremely loving to me (he is) but he's just wired a different way.

Anyway, I fell asleep crying for the first time since we were dating. I don't know why, but I think it was frustration that I was falling in love with / happy with someone who didn't really communicate that he felt the same kind of joy from me or that he had the same positive view of a possible future. I wanted him to feel as good as I did, and to feel excited and positive and hopeful and for him he just seemed to live in the moment and have no hopes at all for the future (not just in terms of relationships but ANYTHING).

Sure, he was loving, but he didn't ever say "I am so happy with you and excited about the future" and for whatever reason I got upset (I admit hormones were really intense that day and I can be sensitive.) and it escalated to me sending him a really long text the next morning while he was at work about how, to me, "love" was the most important thing in the world, and while sex is great - I can live without that - but not love and it freaked me out completely that he didn't understand how important love was. And then droned on for like two pages about how we should break up because I was looking for love blah blah blah.

Not proud of that, but I think it was built up frustration at his ongoing cynical comments about love and feeling like he didn't appreciate how happy we were, or appreciate ME.

He replied to it, exact words "this makes me really sad, I think perhaps I am just not in the same place as you and I am not sure if / when I will ever be so maybe I am wasting your time which is a shame because I think you are great". Then he said something about being a commitment phobe. Which was the first I knew of that as he'd not mentioned it before and as a previous poster said he already WAS committed and I'd never had any issue with that. It was more a problem for me of general cynicism about the future. I definitely didn't think he didn't see ME in it, or that it was timing. I thought it was just how he was.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> I could probably look up his address in my uber history so maybe I am making excuses too. I think he just wants to see me.


Of course he does.

He thinks he just needs to be able to make his case and look in your eyes and put on his sad puppy dog routine and you'll cave and change your mind. Of course, if you DO cave, you'll be right back where you started before you ended it - in a pseudo-relationship with someone who *doesn't *want to bring the same things to the table that you're bringing. 

While it might seem 'romantic' that he's trying so hard to get you to meet him in person, at the same time, it shows a horrific and glaring lack of RESPECT for you that he refuses to give you the space you asked for and/or the address information you requested. But you know where he lives and it's very easy to throw a box on his back porch while he's not home.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He hasn't told you his address, so you don't know where he lives after six months of dating? 

That's a red flag, I think?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Colette,

Just to clarify I think you did the right thing by dumping him. You were setting yourself up on a few different levels for a bad ride.

BUT......I'd like to point out something to keep in mind for the future. Unfortunately it is difficult for me to explain well. You might have to 
read between the lines some and read a book. I'll site some examples from your post.

"for me it was about emotions and him not showing positive ones or a true sense of emotional attachment in the language I understand."

Read your above statement ...... now read the last half a couple more times.

"his brain doesn't work the same way......"true sense of emotional attachment in the language I understand."


""I'd be utterly miserable without sex because it's one of the few joys in my life" and I was offended he felt that way about sex, but not love, or ME.

I was offended he felt that way about sex, but not love, or ME.

sex, but not love

to me, "love" was the most important thing in the world, and while sex is great - I can live without that - 

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So...I think it is important to understand that people "speak" love in a few different languages.

With that in mind I recommend you read the book "The 5 love languages"

It can provide some insight to relationship communication and helped me understand a few things in our relationship.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He hasn't told you his address, so you don't know where he lives after six months of dating?
> 
> That's a red flag, I think?


I do know where he lives, but as I just went inside I didn't write down the door number or postal code or anything. We're 99% at my house because he has a roomate and I have a teenage child in the house who I don't like to leave alone, so it's just practical that we don't spend time at his place much. I've only ever been there to drop something off or something.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Colette,
> 
> Just to clarify I think you did the right thing by dumping him. You were setting yourself up on a few different levels for a bad ride.
> 
> ...



This is a really helpful point also. My sister raised this with me and told me his love languages are quality time, touch and acts of service and for sure primarily acts of service (hence he is always trying to do things for me) but mine are the touch, quality time and words of affirmation and those words are very alien to him. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her; but he will organise her computer for her. It's how he loves.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good thing you already had that figured out...my post was a disaster


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Colette2 said:


> He does have Aspergers syndrome. Great intuition you have, so the emotional side of life doesn't come easy to him. He's a very typical Aspergers and also an INTJ personality type so he's non verbal with emotions and sees life very rationally. I don't believe he'd ever try and get me into bed by manipulative means, he's got a very strong sense of justice. I think in his view I am (in his own words) "way out of his league" and he probably never thought I would want a long term life with him anyway. He's not got a lot of self belief like that. To be honest, I don't think even now he knows I want a long term life with him. I think the way his brain works is simple: I told him that his view on life /love /relationships was painful for me, therefore he will leave me alone to be with someone better. I don't think he'd ever want me to be anything other than happy and when he says he wants to be friends I think that's genuine - he's capable of that sort of detachment.


I think you were wise to end it. If you are wanting real emotional intimacy and attachment, then an Aspie most likely isn't going to be a good match for you in the long run anyway. 

I am sorry for your hurt.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Thank you for posting what he actually wrote, and in response to what you wrote.

I actually think both of you just expressed your honest feelings and he is right, due to his feelings he should not hold you back from meeting someone more compatible.

He is being very kind (and loving) by not trying to make things work and not standing in your way of a bigger commitment with someone else.

I know it hurts, but please do accept the gift of his kindness. It really is coming from the highest part of himself. If he was a lesser person, he could say just enough words to make you think eventually he would commit, and string you along forever. 

It’s very hard for him to do the right thing, I’m sure. He does love you and doesn’t want to end things, but he knows the right thing for you is to be set free to seek what you actually need and that isn’t him.

I hope you eventually see this as a loving, adult, mature break up. This is a good thing because although you did not get the commitment you seek from this man, you got a loving gift from him that not every man could have given you. He is decent, and knowing that you ended things lovingly with a decent man is better than being jerked around by the previous guys. It means you are improving your picker, and are on an upward trajectory out of the bad picker land of misfit dates.

We sometimes have to let go of people we legitimately love. And if we can do it lovingly and for the right reasons, it always adds love to your overall life. It adds a lot of life lessons in kindness and doing the right thing, even when you can’t get your desired outcome.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

MattMatt said:


> He hasn't told you his address, so you don't know where he lives after six months of dating?
> 
> That's a red flag, I think?


I read through this entire thread (gasp!) and none of it is more important than this:

In six months he didn't have you over to his home.

Life is short, move on. You made the right choice.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> Thank you for posting what he actually wrote, and in response to what you wrote.
> 
> I actually think both of you just expressed your honest feelings and he is right, due to his feelings he should not hold you back from meeting someone more compatible.
> 
> ...


Such a loving response, thank you


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Colette2 said:


> It just gets tiring that's all when all you want is just to find something lasting.


Colette, first you said you've been through a string of crappy partners. Now you say this. Do you see the problem I see?

For whatever reason, YOUR goal in life is to have a partner. It could be for financial or mental stability, it could be for image, it could be for a number of reasons. Could be something in your childhood made you feel incomplete/substandard/shameful/whatever if you don't have a mate. But one thing it's not, is healthy. 

Until you can be ok being by yourself, knowing DEEP DOWN that you're ok by yourself, you will continue to seek out men - and yes, often bad men - just to have someone on your arm.

Once you let that go - as I suspect your boyfriend has - all your decisions will be for the wrong reasons, and you'll continue to get bad results. Upon reading your first post, I was thinking...well, what's wrong with what you've got? You guys are having fun together. You're enjoying life. Why do you have to bring in that pesky 'committed' thing into the picture? Why CAN'T you just enjoy your time with him and take each day at a time?

Have you done therapy? This might be a good topic to go for.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Colette2 said:


> This is a really helpful point also. My sister raised this with me and told me his love languages are quality time, touch and acts of service and for sure primarily acts of service (hence he is always trying to do things for me) but mine are the touch, quality time and words of affirmation and those words are very alien to him. I'd be willing to bet he doesn't even tell his daughter he loves her; but he will organise her computer for her. It's how he loves.


Have you ever read His Needs Her Needs? It talks about those emotional needs and how to get them met, and how to meet your partner's. It says that if there's one of those things that your partner can't meet for you - except sex - that it's ok to find another to get it met. Like if you literally need to have someone compliment you, get that from your job or volunteering. And be secure that you're getting everything else you need from your partner.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Hi Turnera, I appreciate the response and I realise in context of a couple of comments regarding bad dating experiences it can create an impression, but I guarantee you I am the LEAST likely person to need a partner out of anyone I know. I am the perpetual single girl, and always have been actually! I chose when young to travel the world with my job, then I never settled down with a partner. I'm late thirties now and have only lived with someone once for 18 months in my entire life. That's it. I've been almost completely alone (out of choice and different priorities). When I had my son, I opted not to go on a single date for five years, met someone great then but he was in an accident unfortunately and so that didn't happen. In the 5 years since that, I haven't had a string of happy partners (I have had NO partners aside from the guy on this thread). What I have had is string of crappy dates trying to find someone worthwhile bothering with. 

All that said, I got the point where even my son was commenting I needed to get out and have a boyfriend again, so I have been making an effort. Ultimately though, yes I want someone to travel with, do stuff with, lean on, love, have fun with and I have been single almost all my life and I am ready now to find that. I don't think it's a psychological problem I need therapy with though - more a problem of so many jerks on online dating


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, good to know. So then, why do you think your picker is broken?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are ANY of our pickers broken??


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

turnera said:


> Ok, good to know. So then, why do you think your picker is broken?


I think I just don't expect people to behave so badly so I am always just innocent to it!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a book for you to read. It's about why we pick the partners we pick: Getting The Love You Want, by Hendrix. All kinds of workbooks and stuff, but mainly for couples. But the main book talks about why we are attracted to certain - wrong - people.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

I'm usually not attracted to the wrong sorts of men, I think on online dating a lot of people lie. Boyfriends I have had have actually been really nice, I just find them to be a needle in the haystack


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Colette2 said:


> turnera said:
> 
> 
> > Ok, good to know. So then, why do you think your picker is broken?
> ...


But in this case he didn’t actually act badly. You just overlooked red flags.

Next time you won’t. You learned a very valuable dating lesson. When people tell you who they are, believe them.

He told you he didn’t prioritize love or commitment before now but you didn’t believe him. Next time someone is telling you who they are, you will.

This one loves you and did the right thing by you even though you didn’t want to believe him.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

When someone tells you who they are, you need to believe them.

Someone very wise told me that many years ago.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a lifelong partner - married or not, and there's nothing wrong with not wanting one. The problem arises when those two people meet, lol.

I commend him for being honest with you, and most of all, I commend YOU for knowing in your heart that if you are really wanting a long term, committed relationship, that its not going to be with this guy.

You did the right thing, he knows where you are and IF he worded it the wrong way or he really does want to be with you, he knows how to reach you. He'll be beating your door down.

Drop his present off, don't meet up with him. Don't be friends. Wish him well in your heart and let him go.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

I'd wager that if the "commitment" conversation had never come up you and he would have lived your lives out happily with each other and never been the wiser. It's all in each of your interpretation of the idea of "commitment"(especially considering he is on the spectrum). Some say tomato, some say tamato. Now that that can of worms has been opened it's too late, and you likely lost the guy you were looking for. You have to go with what you believe so if you actually believe he wouldn't have been there for you in the future then it wasn't a mistake for you. I guess the true test is do you regret it? If you do, have the talk with him and sort through it, good or bad. If you don't, then carry on and don't look back.


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Thanks everybody. There's so many different ways to view this, but I think sometimes what's lost to people who haven't been online dating in a big city nowadays that it's very difficult to simplify the process as much as you think. 90% of the guys you meet are upfront from the beginning that they are looking for a relationship and you're on the same page. Then 5 or 6 weeks later, after 2 - 3 dates a a few kisses, you see their actions are strange and don't match this statement so you start to feel confused. It's difficult to explain what I mean, because at 5 - 6 weeks it's not about "commitment" but about intentions and behavior in early courtship.

Many men express very early on in their words that they are fully into the idea of meeting someone for a meaningful relationship, but in their behavior that they're not really in it. So you address this with them and then it transpires that they're not ready, scared of relationships, wanting freedom (or worse giving you a fake name and they are married which has happened to me THREE times -seriously). So making good decisions isn't quite so easy when you're working with these parameters.

Most recently on my previous thread here, the guy chased me for months and then wouldn't take the next step and I was completely confused because every word he said was that he was serious. Many months after me posting that thread he called me and told me he was hurting from his divorce and was really only up for casual and he knew I deserved / wanted serious so that was why he backed off. Since then he's had 6 or 7 short relationships since me because he's not ready and just wants the sex / intimacy without any feelings. In fact that guy called me a few days ago and we talked pretty openly about it. Doesn't mean he didn't waste a lot of my time and hurt me in the process. 

I also recall the first man I dated after my partner had his accident and I was back on the dating scene. He was lovely at first, total gentleman, and everything was normal and then I got a message out of nowhere saying he couldn't do this, wasn't ready and he blocked me on everything. A year later he came back and apologised and said he wasn't ready / hurt from previous relationships and since then we've been friends. I've watched him attempt (and fail) at dating for years now and the irony is, he IS now ready and can't find anyone.

So this is the real problem here (maybe with modern dating, internet dating and also dating men who are divorced). I find for me, online is the only way to meet men given my job (work from home very tough hours) and being a single parent who doesn't go out in the evening. All my friends are married long ago and don't know anyone single so I don't meet anyone single - ever. So this is how we meet people nowadays and it's a great way for people who are broken / looking for comfort to go online and pretend to be everything they wish they were to fill their void. There's very little sincerity in it, so it becomes much more difficult than it should be.

This guy didn't say any of the words the other guys said, but from day one he was committed and we never really needed to talk about that because it was obvious to one and all that we were both happy and on the same page. It was easy and natural and I wasn't confused or feeling like there was a mismatch of needs at any time. I started to get fears once I knew things were serious, and I was evaluating the long term. I was worried there was a mismatch of futures. @Rubix Cubed you're right in a lot of ways - no, he never would have left. But it's also true that there's a problem that we couldn't talk about this and that I was becoming anxious because we weren't talking about it. No one's perfect. I lost a partner suddenly...I've no wish to go through the hell of that ever again.

It's all a learning curve, but I do think it's also particularly difficult to date in the current climate. When you meet people through friends or work, they have some sort of obligation to show up authentically but the internet has changed that. I do feel a lot of regret that I found a good one, that we loved each other and that this is standing between us but I also don't think I could live without commitment (which really is just a choice right)


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

(or worse giving you a fake name and they are married which has happened to me THREE times -seriously). 

OMG !!! That's terrible !!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something I've been telling people for years, decades really, is if you want to find a good partner, find a best friend first. And to do that, stop LOOKING for someone and start enjoying your life. Start doing the things you love - hobbies, passions - and meet people who share the same hobbies and passions. Make friends with them. Get to know them when they AREN'T trying to impress someone, and you'll get to know the real person, and you can see who might be someone you'd enjoy being with for the rest of your life. That way, you avoid all the 'well, he SAID he wanted this or that...' stuff. Plus, meanwhile, you're enjoying life spending time doing things you love.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ok I have only read page 1.

When a man TELLS you who he is, believe him!

"In fact he was asking if he could keep seeing me as a friend, so that sounded maybe even like he was happy to let me go and would be fine with being pals."

This is his "nice" way of saying he still wants the sex, but no the commitment.

6 months in my hubby and I knew we wanted to marry. We waited to get engaged til 1 year together, then married roughly 6 months after that. 

6 months is not always long enough to know for sure you want to marry someone, but it should be working toward that. 

If he is already feeling now that he doesn't see himself growing old with you, he never will. 

I think in general waiting 2 years for a relationship to blossom, then maybe a proposal and an engagement waiting period is a good thing. Gives time for the initial "love goggles" to wear off. 

This man has made it clear he likes the relationship ok enough, but not enough to marry.

Move on. 

No friendship either. He will just mess with your head and try to get you into bed.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

I have a brother and he had a divorce after a few year marriage. 

The next gal he hooked up with, childhood friend. They were living together for 4 years. She pushed the marriage idea, he wasn;t having it. Basically told her 'I love you and could see myself spending 20+ years with you, just don't want to get married again.'

They split up. 

The next gal he hooked up with quickly, met online, moved to the opposite coast asap to be with her. Within a year or 2, they married.  

This was 16 or so years ago.

A man will move heaven and earth if he wants to be with you, marry you.

He will let you know you are his primary focus and he will do whatever he needs to do to keep you.

This is not the man.

Dump him and find that man.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Be glad you are only 6 months in. Some men waste 6 years of a woman's time!


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## Colette2 (Jun 15, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> (or worse giving you a fake name and they are married which has happened to me THREE times -seriously).
> 
> OMG !!! That's terrible !!!


I know right? I've taken to requiring ID before I'll go on a date!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Colette2 said:


> I think I just don't expect people to behave so badly so I am always just innocent to it!


That indicates a broken picker. Stop being so naive at this point in your life.

I'm not suggesting you have utter cynicism as your guide.

But evidence-based discernment is a good thing.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Colette2 said:


> Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.
> 
> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> ...


You did the right thing by ending it, if what you are looking for is a committment or marriage.

Did he tell you that right away or after 6 months of dating you?

Imagine how you would have felt 3, 4 or 10 years from now with him still refusing to commit.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> Be glad you are only 6 months in. Some men waste 6 years of a woman's time!


And some women 'never' waste a man's time... No! Perish the thought!

What a ridiculous comment


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> I have a brother and he had a divorce after a few year marriage.
> 
> The next gal he hooked up with, childhood friend. They were living together for 4 years. She pushed the marriage idea, he wasn;t having it. Basically told her 'I love you and could see myself spending 20+ years with you, just don't want to get married again.'
> 
> ...


Good luck with that. Marriage is not the be all and end all that it once was perceived as. 

Have a think about WHY some men don't want to get married. Some may be commitment phobes, but really, in western culture, what is in it for a man these days if they get married? High risk for low pay off. Whereas it's the opposite for a woman... Generally speaking


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Luminous said:


> And some women 'never' waste a man's time... No! Perish the thought!
> 
> What a ridiculous comment


Yes of course some women do waste a mans time, this thread is written by a woman though so we are talking about men wasting her time.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Luminous said:


> Good luck with that. Marriage is not the be all and end all that it once was perceived as.
> 
> Have a think about WHY some men don't want to get married. Some may be commitment phobes, but really, in western culture, what is in it for a man these days if they get married? High risk for low pay off. Whereas it's the opposite for a woman... Generally speaking


That can go both ways. 

When a marriage works out, it can be a beautiful thing for the man and the woman. If things go south, it is horrible for both.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

FieryHairedLady said:


> That can go both ways.
> 
> When a marriage works out, it can be a beautiful thing for the man and the woman. If things go south, it is horrible for both.


It may be horrible for both, but tell me, which side does the State back a majority of the time...?


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Luminous said:


> It may be horrible for both, but tell me, which side does the State back a majority of the time...?


That sounds like a topic for a new thread .


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Colette2 said:


> Hi. I feel a bit like I have the worst luck with men the last few years (they just always seem to turn out to be emotionally damaged or something like that) but I'd been pretty (very) happy with this guy since for about six months and it's all fallen apart very suddenly and I don't know if I did the right thing or made a mistake. A lot of my friends and family are telling me I made a mistake / am too harsh but I would love some independent views.
> 
> If you have a really great boyfriend, and you're happy in every way with him and he's loving to you on every level, but he admits to you after six months together that he's commitment-phobic and doesn't think he is ready to grow old with someone etc. or if he ever will be, then would you end it?
> 
> ...


Sounds like you did the right thing. 

You obviously are not in love or love him to pull out of the relationship so fast.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I think we ladies feel we need clarification as to "what" is the meaning of the relationship and where it is going as we do not want to waste time on a man who just wants a physical relationship as that feels rather meaningless in our book. We look for alove and an actual relationship rather than just physical connections. However, as I listen to my male friends talk about dating it seems the physical is top priority and "relationship" is really not even mentioned.

Having been married twice and both men were devoted until the "I do's" were said I can say that marriage should not be anyone's goal. If you are young and are wanting to start a family I would certainly say you made the right choice. If your children are gone and you are on your own now, it is a little different. I have learned that just enjoying being with the person for what it is has been a better approach.


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