# Wife won't drive. I need help.



## daniel_from_the_burbs

We are a mid-30s couple living in the suburbs with three kids, good income and formerly solid relationship.

We moved to the suburbs about 3 years ago from a major city, where we both had professional jobs. Her not driving (no license) was fine in the city; we didn't have children and a car would have been a hassle.

In the suburbs it is a different story. We don't have readily accessible public transportation and we have children at an age where they are increasingly out of the house. She can't pick the kids up from school or drop them off. She can't run simple errands. We both work jobs and we are going broke on uber just getting her to her job and back. 

I work a 50-60 hour week, and come home nearly every night to a series of driving errands that should be done during the day.

Every time I bring it up, it turns into a fight. I can't mention it without her getting hysterical, defensive, etc. She claims it is a phobia and has never - not once - indicated she ever plans on trying to change her ways.


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## Cynthia

Stop trying to get your wife to drive. She's not going to do it. She might be willing to go to counseling to deal with her phobia, but don't expect that she is going to drive anytime soon. If therapy works, it could be years. You have a problem right now that needs to be resolved.

Sit down with your wife and discuss how your are going to handle the transportation problem together. In a healthy marriage, the couple works together to resolve problems. This is a problem that has to be dealt with, so sit down with her and tell her that you two need to come up with a solution to the transportation problems and ask her to brainstorm with you.


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## 225985

Can she ride in the car, but just not drive? Neither she or you knew this 3 years ago before you moved?


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## brooklynAnn

You need this book:
Drive without fear by Norman Klein. 

I got it from Amazon. In my teenage years I drove when I was in FL. However, when I moved to NYC, I didn't need to drive. So, I didn't drive in about 20 years. The thought of driving will send me into a panic with palpitations. Every bad thing that could happened when thru my mind.

Then, came HS for my DD and I had to drive. MY God, I was terrified. I enrolled in driving school and kept at it all summer long. When, my H thought was I ok, he took over and had me drive the same route to school every evening about 4xs. To make sure I knew the way. After that, he came up with different routes incase of...I would drive those every night and early morning Sat. and Sundays. When my DD started HS my H took the first week off and sat with me every morning and evening. Then, the next week my GF loaded her kids into my car and sat with me and we dropped everyone off. She did that for the first month or so, until I was fine.

My Dd would sit in the back and listen to her dad giving me instructions, that how she learned. Passed her driving test after 5 weeks of driving and on the first test. 

So, my advice is to get her to enroll into a driving program. The cars are safe and the have a second wheel and brakes system which should reassure her. Have read that books, it addresses a lot of problems with anxiety and tips on how to drive safely.

She might also, think of seeing a therapist if her phobia is that bad and get on some axienty meds for now. But that process is going to be along one.

Good luck.


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## tech-novelist

I had a very similar situation in my first marriage, where we moved from the city to the suburbs.

After some years, I told my wife that I wasn't going to be her chauffeur any more. She could either take public transportation or learn to drive.

She complained a lot about it, but eventually did it.


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## daniel_from_the_burbs

Yes. She drove when she was younger and I always assumed she would start driving again when it was required. It just never happened, and her charming eccentricity in the city has become a huge burden in the suburbs.


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## daniel_from_the_burbs

brooklynAnn said:


> You need this book:
> Drive without fear by Norman Klein.
> 
> I got it from Amazon. In my teenage years I drove when I was in FL. However, when I moved to NYC, I didn't need to drive. So, I didn't drive in about 20 years. The thought of driving will send me into a panic with palpitations. Every bad thing that could happened when thru my mind.
> 
> Then, came HS for my DD and I had to drive. MY God, I was terrified. I enrolled in driving school and kept at it all summer long. When, my H thought was I ok, he took over and had me drive the same route to school every evening about 4xs. To make sure I knew the way. After that, he came up with different routes incase of...I would drive those every night and early morning Sat. and Sundays. When my DD started HS my H took the first week off and sat with me every morning and evening. Then, the next week my GF loaded her kids into my car and sat with me and we dropped everyone off. She did that for the first month or so, until I was fine.
> 
> My Dd would sit in the back and listen to her dad giving me instructions, that how she learned. Passed her driving test after 5 weeks of driving and on the first test.
> 
> So, my advice is to get her to enroll into a driving program. The cars are safe and the have a second wheel and brakes system which should reassure her. Have read that books, it addresses a lot of problems with anxiety and tips on how to drive safely.
> 
> She might also, think of seeing a therapist if her phobia is that bad and get on some axienty meds for now. But that process is going to be along one.
> 
> Good luck.


I am totally open to any path, no matter how long and expensive, to get her there. We even put down a payment for a Tesla (which we can't really afford) because they advertise it may be a self-driving car in 3-5 years. The idea of getting her in a driving program is a total nonstarter, she won't budge, even an inch, on her commitment to not driving and never driving.


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## Hicks

Stop doing more driving than you think is fair. Let the chips fall.
Move back to the city sounds like your best bet.


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## brooklynAnn

Of course she is going to resist. When you are scared, you are not going to want to do anything which will amplify your fear.

If you feel like she is not going to listen to your suggestions, then, it's time to seek behavioral therapy. In this case, you must insist and persist. Even if you have to find the therapist, make the appointment and take her to it. Some serious shoving is going to be needed. But you have to do what you have to do.

Or the cost of Uber is going to eat up all of your disposable income. 

My H had to be firm with me and get me to understand I was not going to get my way this time. It was something that had to be done. His DD was not taking 2 trains and 2 buses to get to school in the winter. You have to put on your big girl pants and get over your fears. Easier said than done. But now I just feel stupid that I resisted for so long.


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## chillymorn

buy her a bicycle.

accept it. if thats the biggest problem in your marriage then I'd be grateful. now if your sex drive isn't in sync and you fight about money. and have other serious issues then thats a different story. 

In the big scheme of things it really just an inconvenience and with some planning you can minimize it pretty easy. be more organized when she needs stuff tell her she has to realize that she can't expect you to run errands at her whim.


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## Blondilocks

Since she drove before, what happened to create this phobia? If nothing, then she is irresponsible and lazy.


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## Threeblessings

I could not imagine not being able to drive. With 3 kids in tow and all the running around there is to do I don't think I would cope using public transportation. It isn't reliable or economical where I live anyway. Having said that my mother doesn't drive either. It surprised me because her father actually owned a driving school and she could have had lessons for free. When she married my father he tried to teach her while we were in the car and she reversed into a lamp post. He screamed at her and that put her off for life. I think she needs to get to the bottom of her phobia. Driving means independence and is a much better mode of transport when there is a young family to ferry everywhere. Hope you get it sorted.


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## Wolf1974

Yeah makes no sense, she has a phobia but can be in a car and once upon a time had no problem driving. Tell her to figure it out with the kids or move back to the city then are the only reasonable options I see


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## SandyY2K

It such a huge inconvenience on everyone. My sister doesn't drive and has other parents pick her kids up from birthday parties and other events.

She's tried to learn but just can't get the hang of it and she also has a phobia. Even when I drive... I see her tense up when other cars get close. We're all fed up of saying it now. We just take her as she is, as we love her lots, but if I feel not driving is like not being able bodied. I can't imagine a world where I didn't drive.

I think of all the times you needto drive :

Airport pick ups 
Grocery shopping
Kids to school 
After school activities 
Going to the gym 
Going out to see friends 

One of the things I often think... is that by giving my sister a ride all the time... she didn't get to suffer the inconvenience of not driving. Unless you make it difficult and stop doing all the driving after work... she won't have any motivation to drive. 

Just start saying you're too tired..or you have a headache next time she sends you out. 

Remember that if she doesn't feel the pinch of not having that skill ... she won't do anything about it. 

If she ends up giving it a good attempt and she still just can't do it .... then just leave her be. It's not the end of the world.... but try your hardest first.


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## Betrayedone

daniel_from_the_burbs said:


> I am totally open to any path, no matter how long and expensive, to get her there. We even put down a payment for a Tesla (which we can't really afford) because they advertise it may be a self-driving car in 3-5 years. The idea of getting her in a driving program is a total nonstarter, she won't budge, even an inch, on her commitment to not driving and never driving.


I think you are going down the wrong path on the Tesla....Just because they project a self driving car in 3-5 years doesn't mean it's going to happen and it's not the answer you need right now. You are wasting money and putting false hope in that venue.


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## MJJEAN

One of my friends is like this. She just refuses to even learn how to drive. Swears she has anxiety attacks. Since we live in the burbs and public transport is a joke, we ( collective we here) used to pick her up and drop her off. After a while, everyone got sick of having to drive both ways or having her at our homes for hours and hours until her husband got off work (afternoon to midnight shift) and could pick her up. Now, she has no life outside of when her husband is home to drive her around and all of the errand type chores fall on him.

You do not want to let this continue. What happens to her if you die or become disabled? She needs to suck it up and learn. Which she will only do if she has no other choice. So, stop dropping off and picking up for her. Stop running her errands. Make her responsible for her choice.


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## Satya

I have mixed feelings about this. 

I didn't get my license until I was 30,because my work required it. Before that I walked or took public transportation everywhere. I didn't bum or beg a ride unless I was absolutely desperate. 

My ex H had frequent panic attacks and had to stop driving lessons because he would get too panicky on highways. It's no joke. It can lead to a crash. People that don't have panic or anxiety attacks have no idea the kinds of physiological, paralyzing effects they can have. I read all about it voraciously in an attempt to be more understanding of my ex. It takes a lot of therapy to learn mechanisms to soothe yourself when you feel an attack coming on. 

I used to think, come on, just drive and don't be a baby/wuss. Well, because I never went through it, I didn't know anything. I got a severe talking to by the therapist and some homework to read. Now I feel differently. 

If this case isn't quite that dire, I'd say it's still her choice to drive/not drive. Make her accountable and responsible for paying travel expenses. That much should be her responsibility anyway.


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## EnjoliWoman

It is imperative that she be able to drive. What if you had to travel for business and be gone? Would she uber the kids everwhere? What about an emergency where she can't wait for an uber to get there.

While I understand she is extremely fearful, Brooklyn has the right idea. It's a very reasonable and careful approach and she isn't rushed into it. Maybe she has to start just sitting behind the wheel with the car off. Then start it, sit there, turn it off. The dual steering and braking may be a huge relief once she stops fighting.

Last possible alternative - some places you can get medical approvals for 14y/o drivers. I found this out because my sister is handicapped and my parents considered getting a waiver but as they both drove, it wasn't a big deal. But there are adults who cannot drive due to a handicap and sometimes one of the kids has to step up sooner than normally allowed. I believe they had to have the adult with them until normal driving age.

Phobias aren't rational. You can't "logic" this out of her. You CAN tell her that it's imperative that she learn but you don't care how long it takes and get her to address the phobia first and follow the path recommended by the psychologist.

Or move back to the city. 

And the tesla drives itself - recently rode in one - they are pretty amazing. But it doesn't work everywhere - parking lots, unmarked back roads, etc. and she'd still have to be in the driver's seat to start it and get out of the driveway and to a road with lines. IF she ever had to take a child to a birthday party in the country, it would be all her.


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## CharlieParker

Do you communicate well with one another in general? Horse barn now, but when we were in similar situation we discussed her driving (she had never driven before) at length, before moving. 

She was/is OK with idea sort of but her phobia 20 years later still is going to unfamiliar places or new routes (she hasn't heard of GPS or road signs  I gently kid her on that).


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## Wed2016

I have this fear, except I have my licence. 

My partner does most the driving because everytime I drive I have a panic attack. 

She should see a psychologist and get on some anti anxiety meds. I refuse to take the meds so I still have a phobia. I've had this phobia for 8 years now. 8 years of driving with panic attacks. I have to say it has eased off a little bit since it first started. But I don't really think exposure therapy really works for everyone. It certainly doesn't didn't for me! 

She needs help to treat her fear. 
She also probably lacks confidence which adds to her fear of going for her licence in the first place.


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## EleGirl

One thing you might want to try is to take a low pressure approach.

For example, tell her that you want her to be able to drive just incase it was needed for some emergency. Tell you that you think she could stick to neighborhood streets where there is little to no traffic. That way she can learn the basics of driving but not have to be on the big scary roads. You could even take her to a big, open parking lot for her to do her first driving. If she does not want you to teach (re-teach) her to drive, hire a private driving instructor and explain what is going on to the instructor.

Tone it down, take away the pressure.

And at the same time, you need to stop the daily chores you are doing ... tell her that all chores need to be scheduled on one or two days a week, preferably on a weekend. This takes a lot of the burden off of you.

If she gets to the point where she can drive around the block, she might start to get out and drive a bit more once she has gotten over whatever fear is holding her back.


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## BetrayedDad

Blondilocks said:


> Since she drove before, what happened to create this phobia? If nothing, then she is irresponsible and lazy.


I agree. It's one thing if she never drove because of a lack of skill set. Some people are god awful drivers and shouldn't be on the road.

But if she's driven before, and it's a burden for your family for her not to, then her lack of effort in addressing this "phobia" is irresponsible and lazy.


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## momto2

I have never had a driver's license. Most of it is severe anxiety for me. I even get really nervous when other people are driving. I think most people drive reckless and it really freaks me out. My ex used to get annoyed because I would hold onto the door most of the car ride. I made the decision to live in a walkable area. It does make it difficult when my kids have to get to soccer practice but most kids on the team live close (and parents always offer to take turns with my ex driving the kids). If I need to get somewhere and public transportation isn't available, I take a cab or uber. I keep saying that I'm going to get over my fear but I keep putting off getting a license. People think I'm crazy that I'm scared to drive but think the fear of flying is rational. I'm way more likely to die in a car crash! My only advice is to move somewhere with public transportation if your wife refuses to get a license.


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## Corpuswife

Avoidance breeds anxiety....it just grows over time.

Since she refuses help, have the discussion as another poster suggested. Have her come up up with a compromise or conclusion as to how this will work and lessen the burden on you. Allow her to come up with a transportation budget. 

I would not cater to her at all. That's the opposite to being helpful. Do what's necessary and don't jump regarding her errands. It's frustrating for everyone but there are consequences to not driving and depending on others. That's where the compromise and planning comes into place.


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## HuggyBear

I don't enjoy discussing this, but I can understand the driving phobia. I had a drivers license for more than twenty years, and literally drove enough miles to get to the moon. I used to work about 35-40 miles from my home, but most of it was highway.

For some reason, as I got older, I seemed to go catatonic or even believe I was falling asleep while I drove... no reason, got enough sleep, tried drinking coffe, loud (wicked loud!) music while I drove, nothing helped... eventually, my work changed, I moved, and had no reason to drive. No want to drive. I did not want a car.

I began to have nightmares about driving... usually some kind of crash, going over a cliff, all kinds of stuff, including hitting small kids darting out in the road... repetitive dreams that just grate on your consciousness.

Now I've been married for more something-teen years, have kids that need rides to and from school, to extracurricular stuff, and whatnot... my wife insists that I get a license again. I've been to classes, and take the practice tests on the computer, but I DO NOT WANT TO DRIVE. AT. ALL. Even in the car with my wife driving, I've got headphones on and my eyes are always closed! I actually HATE being in a car! We live in the city, and I can take the bus, but we all know how that does, and often doesn't, work.

Not looking for advice, or to hijack, but this thing is a big drag on my existence. I can understand for so many reasons why people don't want to drive...

Just for the sake of argument, let's assume I am of the absolute average intelligence... I see stupid people getting in accidents, and I see very, very smart people getting into them, too. I honestly feel that my wife is threatening me if I decide against driving. I hate everything about it.


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