# I miss my friends!



## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

I have three best friends that I have known a very long time and we used to hangout and do a ton of stuff together........once upon a time. But since getting married I am lucky if I see them once every 4 months or even twice a year - and I blame it on all of our wives, because if given the choice we'd all still hangout a lot but as for our wives they have different ideas on what we should all be doing with our spare time.

Anyone else miss the good ol days with friends too?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Anyone else miss the good ol days with friends too?


I don't. Why? Because I never did this:



Cee Paul said:


> if given the choice we'd all still hangout a lot but as for our wives they have different ideas on what we should all be doing with our spare time.



I would never allow my wife, as much as I adore her, to dictate what I do with my spare time. That's an unfathomable concept to me. If I'm spending time with my wife on other things it's because I want to be with my wife, not because she dictates what I "should be doing". Both my wife and I manage to spend most of our time together, and still see our friends whenever we want. It's not all or nothing.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

We all set our priorities. While a person's marriage is and *should* be his/her first priority, it's a framework that requires/allows us to have other priorities, too: kids, work, friends, etc. 

If your friends are important enough to you, you'll find a way to connect.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Cee Paul, 

I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.


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## CO_MOM (Sep 14, 2012)

I see my two bffs very rarely. In fact, Thanksgiving will be the first time in 4 years since I have seen one of them. I will meet her one year old baby for the first time. She does live in a different state now though. The other lives about 10 minutes away. We see each other now and then in the grocery store and will catch up for a few minutes. Do I wish we had more time to spend together? Sure. But I would never want to go back to the days when we spent all our free time together. I would much rather spend it with my husband and our kids now. You make that choice when you decide to get married and have kids, or at least you should.
Why can’t all of your families get together more often for a BBQ or something?


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

A marriage/relationship should not take away from your life, it should add to it. If you have to give up the things/people you hold dear then ............................................


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

When I was married I saw my two closest friends a few times a year if that. In fact even friends we had as a couple we only saw every few months. Everyone is busy, people have jobs and families and commitments and no spare time. 

Being single has other benefits, like I can catch up with people I just lost touch with and I don't have to 'wait to see if we're doing anything' before I can accept invitations. I'm seeing people a lot more frequently now than I used to - maybe they just didn't like my ex


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I see my best friend about once a yr. It's just because I'm spread so thin.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Satya said:


> My best friend has completely disappeared from my life after having two kids. She can't respond to my brief voice mails or emails asking how she and her family are but she'll post on FB daily about how awesomely hard she works at being a mom. Well, childless as I am, I think she can't find reasons to give me time since I have nothing in common with her any longer. I am always an option. We were BFFs and it hurts. Her actions speak to me so I've stopped trying and have made some lovely new friends.


That's kind of a factor with us too Satya because most everyone that we know(my friends & her friends)have kids and we don't, and a lot of times they prefer to gather with other couples who have kids as well which is unfortunate.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

I've lost touch with most of my friends, not due to W's but more due to geography. 

OK, the one nearest has 4 children, but they're older now, must reach out to her (all 4 of us are friends).


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Cee Paul,
> 
> I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.


I think you are under the wrong impression because I am not wanting to hangout with them ALL the time like we used to by no means, because I am also a lot more busier than I was let's say 10 years ago. Buuuut hanging out 3 to 4 times a year would be pretty cool with me and not too much to ask, and my wife _claims_ that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that _really_ means.


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## Charmed37 (Aug 13, 2012)

R- My hubby (and very best of the best friend)
B-intelligent-male
L-funny-male
L2-dependable-female
M-wise-female
P-creative-female


My 6 best friends! The other 5 of these wonderful people we actually met after we were married. B&L are roommates and live about a mile from us. We see them at least once a month. L2 is about 45 minutes away and we talk weekly and see each other every 2-3 months. M is 5 hours away and we talk almost every day but only get to visit twice a year. P is 9 hours from us and we talk weekly and see her about every 3-4 years. M, L2 and I vacation at least once a year together. And if we are lucky, every 3 years we vacation with the 2 male friends. Almost all of our childhood/college friends are far away, etc. I love all of these people dearly and each one brings a certain quality into my life, the reason I listed it above.  Even though we don't see each other all that often, we make good use of the time we do have. I am the planner of the group so I always try to pick out something exciting and different than we have done together before. So if you don't get to see the friends as frequent as you would like, at least make it memorable when you do. 
P.S. don't always blame just the wives, truth be known it's probably a combination of reasons/excuses for not seeing each other often.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> and my wife _claims_ that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that _really_ means.


this is the rub - my ex used to say the same thing, that I could see my friends whenever I wanted 

I knew what it really meant too...and we always ended up seeing his friends. If I saw my friends he never wanted to come and pretended he was ok with it, then used to get all pissed off


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Cee Paul,
> 
> I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.



This could be potentially _super bad_ advice. Do not listen to this if you cherish friendship at all.

There are people who are of the belief that friendship is a pre-marital state of being, and that once you get hitched your life becomes about your spouse, and any kids you might have.

This is NOT the way most of the planet views marriage. Most societies are able to fold in marriage and still leave plenty of room for men and women to spend quality time with same sex friends.

Friendship isn't about "old days". It can be a vital, enriching, very important part of your life. Marriage, or a long term relationship, should not be used as an excuse to murder friendship. 

If this is important to you, you can have it all. Billions do. I don't know anybody, married or single, who doesn't have friends. You do not have to chose if you don't want to.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Cee Paul said:


> I think you are under the wrong impression because I am not wanting to hangout with them ALL the time like we used to by no means, because I am also a lot more busier than I was let's say 10 years ago. Buuuut hanging out 3 to 4 times a year would be pretty cool with me and not too much to ask, and my wife _claims_ that I am free to go see them whenever I want to - but I know what that _really_ means.


OK, here's your assignment then.

Send the three buds an e-mail, suggesting you go out together once a quarter. Give them all three days/activities/options. If three of you can agree on a date, book it and get it on the schedule.

It's easy to blame the wife/married situation for the changes in our relationships with friends. As single guys, it's easier to hook up and hang at someone's apartment. In married situation, you do have to plan a bit more. If it's important to you, plan it and do it.

If you don't want to do the planning, don't pin the blame on the wife. Take the lead.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I see friends several times a week. Why wouldn't I? Not to go out dancing and drinking, like I used to, but to have coffee, excercise and talk, absolutely.

If I didn't have kids I'd totally still be doing the drinking/dancing/karaoke thing too. Wooooh! 

My friends evolve and change as my life does. Some go, new ones come. Old friends I have known for 20 years I see a few times a year, when we're all in the same city.

And I'm not even a super social person. Organise time with your friends. This is an easy problem to fix.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I don't miss my former best friend AT ALL!

After I got married [ He was the" Best man"] , we remained best friends for quite a few years. We would still hang out , talk ,etc.
In fact we started a business together,which was successful.
Trouble came when he,tried to double cross me on a lucrative deal I negotiated for the business.....

This is a guy I went through thick and thin with.
When we were single , in many ways,I was his wingman. 
I always covered for him whenever he made his mistakes.

When he got married , he sent a wedding invitation to us. I tore it up , placed the pieces in the envelope and sent it back to him.
He got the message.

Funny thing though, his wife and I are good friends still.
That's because I was responsible for getting them together , and throughout their relationship, I was the peacemaker whenever they had major fall outs, most times he was at fault and I will convince her to give him another chance......

Really sad what money and success can do to friendship.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

No, because my husband was the only one who stuck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

MarriedTex said:


> OK, here's your assignment then.
> 
> Send the three buds an e-mail, suggesting you go out together once a quarter. Give them all three days/activities/options. If three of you can agree on a date, book it and get it on the schedule.
> 
> ...


I have tried to make plans on many occasions and they usually only get approved by everyone and go through about ONCE a year at best, and aside from that there's a buddy of mine I play golf with about 2-3 times a year for a few hours On Saturday. But as for the other 95% of the year it's my wife and I doing *everything* together and she sticks to me like glue.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I have tried to make plans on many occasions and they usually only get approved by everyone and go through about ONCE a year at best, and aside from that there's a buddy of mine I play golf with about 2-3 times a year for a few hours On Saturday. But as for the other 95% of the year it's my wife and I doing *everything* together and she sticks to me like glue.


Why is it such a problem telling your wife "no"?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Why is it such a problem telling your wife "no"?


Because when she doesn't get her way I have to hear about it for an entire week, and most of the time I just don't feel like dealing with that b.s. and the thought of it ruins my fun anyway.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Because when she doesn't get her way I have to hear about it for an entire week, and most of the time I just don't feel like dealing with that b.s. and the thought of it ruins my fun anyway.


Have you ever just told her that you won't be entertaining her yapping? It takes two to get into it. Why not just leave her complaining alone in a vacuum? Eventually she'll realize she's talking to thin air.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Have you ever just told her that you won't be entertaining her yapping? It takes two to get into it. Why not just leave her complaining alone in a vacuum? Eventually she'll realize she's talking to thin air.


Because it doesn't usually involve just talking and includes her treating me like sh*t all week and not cooperating with me on any ideas or projects during that time, and to me it's just not worth it anymore and it's probably why there is so much tension and resentment in our marriage.

We have already talked about seperating in January if a lot of things that are going wrong don't change very soon.


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## the liberal one (Nov 4, 2012)

well i had many friends before i was married and i still keep in touch with most of them mostly because they are childless just like i do (even after they were married)

interestingly there are more asian friend who are childless than my caucasuian friends


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> Because it doesn't usually involve just talking and includes her treating me like sh*t all week and not cooperating with me on any ideas or projects during that time, and to me it's just not worth it anymore and it's probably why there is so much tension and resentment in our marriage.
> 
> We have already talked about seperating in January if a lot of things that are going wrong don't change very soon.


*Separating in January??? You have bigger issues to worry about right now than just friends. You might be divorced in 6 weeks. *

What things need to change to avoid separating/ divorce?

T


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Tony55 said:


> *Separating in January??? You have bigger issues to worry about right now than just friends. You might be divorced in 6 weeks. *
> 
> What things need to change to avoid separating/ divorce?
> 
> T


The list is upto about 9 or 10 things that have to change between the both of us for it to work, so it's gonna be an uphill battle for sure!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nope. I have good new friends who are at the same position in life  I talk to my old friends and love them, but we have nothing in common at the moment.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Nope.* I have good new friends* who are at the same position in life  I talk to my old friends and love them, but we have nothing in common at the moment.


The perfect remedy.

:smthumbup:


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Sounds to me like you and your wife have bigger problems than just her not letting you go out with your friends, considering you are talking about getting separated in January. 

Did you ever find out from her WHY exactly she doesn't like you going out with your friends?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

galian84 said:


> Sounds to me like you and your wife have bigger problems than just her not letting you go out with your friends, considering you are talking about getting separated in January.
> 
> Did you ever find out from her WHY exactly she doesn't like you going out with your friends?


It's not that she doesn't like me doing it but she feels that it takes time away from us and things we need to get done, because usually the only time we have together is on the weekends and M-F we see each other for about 3 hours each night(due to very different work schedules).


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Ah, I see, now. I can see where you're both coming from. What kinds of compromises have you tried to make, on this? For example, you spend one Friday night every few months with your friends (and she with hers), and then you both spend the rest of the weekend just with each other? Surely that would be okay, no? I do agree that we should all try to catch up with our old friends once in a while. I know I do, and I don't begrudge my boyfriend the same, unless it's interfering with plans we've already made.

Before marriage, have you asked and come to a compromise as to how much time to spend together / alone / together with family & friends? 

If it helps, my boyfriend and I have had a similar problem/discussion. We had a discussion recently, that, if we got married, how much time we'd spend together / apart. We came to a conclusion that 80% time together and 20% time apart works for both of us.

Or how about you and your friends get together once a year for a long weekend somewhere away to catch up and just hang out? Or how about inviting everyone's families over for a big get-together? My boyfriend and I go together to our friends' and families' big events...this way, we get to spend time together, and also with our friends and family.

Just a couple of suggestions =)


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Stop missing them and CALL them. Go see them. Hang out with them. 

What's the worst that could happen?


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Stop missing them and CALL them. Go see them. Hang out with them.
> 
> What's the worst that could happen?


I talk to them every week by phone and on Facebook, but when it's all about getting together it's like pulling wisdom teeth trying to get everyone(especially our wives)together on the same page.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I talk to them every week by phone and on Facebook, but when it's all about getting together it's like pulling wisdom teeth trying to get everyone(especially our wives)together on the same page.


It sounds like you all have the same special brand of disease.

Whippeditis.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> It sounds like you all have the same special brand of disease.
> 
> Whippeditis.


Here's my take on this term "whipped" that I hate. It's called having respect for your spouse and those who do get away with stuff either have a verrrrrrrry understanding wife, or one with very low self esteem that allows their husbands to push them around. But if you were married to my wife I can guarantee you 100% that you would not pull that macho crap on her, or she would show you and your attitude the door or all hell would break loose. Because I married a woman with very high self esteem, who's attractive, and makes a very good living and doesn't take any sh*t from anyone. Now does she go overboard with all of that - yes, but it wasn't until her career kicked in about 3 years into the marriage where she got an important title and a huge raise where she began acting like this(her way or the highway). This is why we are having so many problems because I too are very confident and also stubborn as a mule, and right now it's just not a good mix.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> It's called having respect for your spouse and those who do get away with stuff either have a verrrrrrrry understanding wife, or one with very low self esteem that allows their husbands to push them around.


Having respect for your spouse should never come at the expense of having respect for yourself. Ever. A good spouse doesn't control your time, or keep you from things, and people, that enrich you. 

Getting together with your good friends isn't "getting away with stuff". Something is very off that you jumped automatically to this conclusion.

If your wives are all henpecking and controlling your time, and you all allow it, it has nothing to do with "respecting your spouse", and everything to do with disrespecting yourself and losing your balls.



Cee Paul said:


> But if you were married to my wife I can guarantee you 100% that you would not pull that macho crap on her, or she would show you and your attitude the door or all hell would break loose. Because I married a woman with very high self esteem, who's attractive, and makes a very good living and doesn't take any sh*t from anyone.


I wouldn't be married to a woman like your wife. So this would never, ever be a problem I'd face. It's not in my nature to understand men who allow women to run rough shod over them. 

I don't care how intelligent a woman is. How high her self esteem is. How strong she is. How beautiful she is. What is in her bank account. I have never, nor ever will, allow a woman to dictate what I do with my free time, or if/when I see my friends. If I can't get together with a friend because I have plans with my wife, it's because I want to be with my wife, not because she forced, coerced, or otherwise dictated that I must be with her. Getting married didn't forfeit my right to chose.

But more power to you if this approach is making you, and your friends, happy. 

Couldn't be me.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> Here's my take on this term "whipped" that I hate. It's called having respect for your spouse and those who do get away with stuff either have a verrrrrrrry understanding wife, or one with very low self esteem that allows their husbands to push them around. But if you were married to my wife I can guarantee you 100% that you would not pull that macho crap on her, or she would show you and your attitude the door or all hell would break loose. Because I married a woman with very high self esteem, who's attractive, and makes a very good living and doesn't take any sh*t from anyone. Now does she go overboard with all of that - yes, but it wasn't until her career kicked in about 3 years into the marriage where she got an important title and a huge raise where she began acting like this(her way or the highway). This is why we are having so many problems because I too are very confident and also stubborn as a mule, and right now it's just not a good mix.


I personally think you're being a doormat by not seeing your friends. How is seeing THEM.....pushing your wife around and "getting away with stuff"? :scratchhead:

Dude, you seriously need to look in your wife's purse, get your balls back and go see your friends. This is petty sh!t in relation to REAL marriage issues. Geeeeeeeeeeeeeeeez!!!! 

So if you see your friends, she'll kick you out? Sounds like she's got major issues. No way in h#ll I'd put up with HER! :nono: I don't care how much money she makes  , what title she has  , etc. I'd rather have my life!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> It's not that she doesn't like me doing it but she feels that it takes time away from us and things we need to get done, because usually *the only time we have together is on the weekends and M-F we see each other for about 3 hours each night(due to very different work schedules).*


That sounds about normal for any couple that works. 3-4 hours (awake time) M-F....and then weekends together. Surely there's a few hours a MONTH or every OTHER month to see your friends. Stop being scared of your wife. You know where your balls are....go get them!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

How about everyone quit with all the "get some balls" and "stand upto your wife" bullsh*t when it pertains to me, because standing upto her and losing my temper all the time and saying a bunch of ugly things is what got my marriage in a mess to begin with. And I could very well go out every month with my friends, but I know that the consequences are hearing her b*tch and throw a temper tantrum 3 times as much as she already does, and I am freakin tired of dealing with all that already.

I have always told her that she needs a "yes mam - no mam" type of guy that holds his head low, but I am more of a loud "kiss my azz you total b*tch" kind of guy when I don't get to do things that I like to do, and this is a big reason the marriage is in trouble.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Having respect for your spouse should never come at the expense of having respect for yourself. Ever. A good spouse doesn't control your time, or keep you from things, and people, that enrich you.
> 
> Getting together with your good friends isn't "getting away with stuff". Something is very off that you jumped automatically to this conclusion.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a woman has to fill out a survey before you will start dating her, and I have a casual friend that I've known for a few years who is verrrry picky on the women he will date or marry and makes fun of my marriage life. Well he is now divorced 3 times already and has at least 4 or 5 other failed relationships beyond that since I've met him, so at 52 years old he had better start learning to adapt and give in a little or he's gonna be one very lonely old man.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I have three best friends that I have known a very long time and we used to hangout and do a ton of stuff together........once upon a time. But since getting married I am lucky if I see them once every 4 months or even twice a year - and I blame it on all of our wives, because if given the choice we'd all still hangout a lot but as for our wives they have different ideas on what we should all be doing with our spare time.
> 
> Anyone else miss the good ol days with friends too?


Friends? I got married and had 5 kids. Haven't really had friends since.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> How about everyone quit with all the "get some balls" and "stand upto your wife" bullsh*t when it pertains to me, because standing upto her and losing my temper all the time and saying a bunch of ugly things is what got my marriage in a mess to begin with.


You make odd associations. First you equated going out with your friends to "getting away with stuff", and now you're interpreting our recommendation to stand up for yourself as involving "losing my temper" and "saying a bunch of ugly things".

Cee Paul you seem to be sitting on a ton of negativity and ill feelings toward your wife. You're taking healthy elements and automatically interpreting them as negative actions. Why is that?



Cee Paul said:


> Sounds like a woman has to fill out a survey before you will start dating her, and I have a casual friend that I've known for a few years who is verrrry picky on the women he will date or marry and makes fun of my marriage life. Well he is now divorced 3 times already and has at least 4 or 5 other failed relationships beyond that since I've met him, so at 52 years old he had better start learning to adapt and give in a little or he's gonna be one very lonely old man.


Sorry for your friend, but considering that I'm happily married I'm not sure what this has to do with me.

I have standards. And? Are you suggesting that in the event my wife dies, or leaves me at some point, I should do what exactly? Start lowering my standards to the point where I let some harpy run up and down my back? Nope. Never going to happen. I'd rather stay single and enjoy the company of many different women than tie myself down to a crappy, nagging wife. I didn't get married because I needed to be married. I got married because I was madly in love (still am) with a woman I've known since I was a teenager. If we ever part, and what a horrid thought that is, I'm not desperate for marriage.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

jaquen said:


> You make odd associations. First *you equated going out with your friends to "getting away with stuff", and now you're interpreting our recommendation to stand up for yourself as involving "losing my temper" and "saying a bunch of ugly things".*
> 
> Cee Paul you seem to be sitting on a ton of negativity and ill feelings toward your wife. You're taking healthy elements and automatically interpreting them as negative actions. *Why is that?*


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


:iagree:


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I am guilty of being like your wife. But I always had the thought that since we are a unit now, why aren't I invited as well as the other wives? I guess it's not totally alright to be that way but...oh well. It has made hubby a bit bitter in that regard.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Every single person deserves and NEEDS time away from their spouse and kids, time WITH friends.....to remain an individual, to decompress from "life"....to unwind, as a way to keep their own sanity. It's mentally healthy to have this time. PLEASE let your husbands/wives have this time. Otherwise, as stated here, it makes them bitter people. Who wants to live with that? Certainly not me! 

As much as I love my hubs and my daughter, I need "me" time with my sisters and my girlfriends....over drinks or dinner or shopping together. Notice I did NOT say "clubbing, dancing, etc".  I've been there, done that *before I was married and settled.*


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I am guilty of being like your wife. But I always had the thought that since we are a unit now, why aren't I invited as well as the other wives? I guess it's not totally alright to be that way but...oh well. It has made hubby a bit bitter in that regard.


Just reverse it. If you had a wonderful girls weekend, or night out planned, filled with all the things you and your female friends liked to do...

How welcome would the hubbies be if they insisted that they needed to always tag along?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I hear ya! I, too, miss my friends. I miss my old life where I could actually leave my house and enjoy myself with the company of my friends. Laughing and having a good time.

I absolutely adore my husband and our time together, but life has changed drastically.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> Cee Paul,
> 
> I hope you don't consider me rude but it's time for you to accept this new phase of your life. Your friends are in your past and it's great to get together once in a while and reminisce about the old days. Trying to behave like you guys are still single is not only trouble for your marriage, but a bit immature. Look forward, not back.


But it's important for men to cultivate and maintain friendships with men outside of the marital couple friends. I would never interfere with that in my marriage. 

The friendships don't have to be going out to bars every Sat night but it's important for them to connect frequently enough to keep up the bond. 

My husband maintains his friendships from his childhood and college years. Many of them are into old cars like him. 

I've met their wives but we don't hang out as couples. The men are his friends and if we should ever separate they would remain friends with him but not me. 

It is too isolating and risky to have one friend who is also your spouse. When the spouse goes away (death or divorce), there are no friends. Men do this a lot more than women.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

jaquen said:


> Just reverse it. If you had a wonderful girls weekend, or night out planned, filled with all the things you and your female friends liked to do...
> 
> How welcome would the hubbies be if they insisted that they needed to always tag along?


No, you're right. I totally agree I'm wrong on this.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

southern wife said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> 
> :iagree:


I was merely pointing out that not standing up for yourself or being a doormat usually means being a wimp who says "yes-mam" & "no mam" where I come from, and someone who just holds his head low and does what he is told. But that is not me by any means; because not only am I very vocal when I strongly disagree with her or anyone else for that matter, but I also take control of many other situations that I haven't mentioned yet. And I am free to come and go as I please but just don't feel like dealing with the pissy attitude that I get from her later on.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Cee Paul said:


> And I am free to come and go as I please but just don't feel like dealing with the pissy attitude that I get from her later on.


My husband has said this very thing to me. Have a serious talk with her about this without being a d!ck.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

DayDream said:


> My husband has said this very thing to me. Have a serious talk with her about this without being a d!ck.


I have and she told me to basically - "grow up and get over it".


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## galian84 (May 7, 2012)

Your wife's attitude sounds terrible, I'm sorry to say. Telling you to "grow up and get over it"? Her way or the highway? Just because you want to hang out your friends a few times a YEAR?! It's not like you want to go out to relive the single life, for God's sake...

My ex-boyfriend had that same attitude. I resented him so much that I ended up dumping him five years later, even though I put up with it for a while.

So she is not willing to compromise with you on this at all??

Oh, and edit...I also highly dislike the word "whipped"


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

I work with a guy who can't get out of bed before his wife wakes up or else she'll throw a hissey fit. So he lays there awake til she's up. Now THAT is whipped. (He isnt the smartest guy either...)


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I work with a guy who can't get out of bed before his wife wakes up or else she'll throw a hissey fit. So he lays there awake til she's up. Now THAT is whipped. (He isnt the smartest guy either...)


That wouldn't be me that's for sure, because around the house I pretty much get away with doing or (not)doing a bunch of different things even if she does get all mad.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I married a woman with very high self esteem, who's attractive, and makes a very good living and doesn't take any sh*t from anyone. Now does she go overboard with all of that - yes, but it wasn't until her career kicked in about 3 years into the marriage where she got an important title and a huge raise where she began acting like this(her way or the highway).


Sorry to inform you, but PEOPLE WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM 

do NOT NEED to insist that EVERYTHING be there way
do NOT NEED to remind ANYONE that they are attractive
do NOT take their higher-income as a license to become a dictator
do NOT believe 'titles' are IMPORTANT
do NOT use their income to browbeat or run roughshod over others (ESPECIALLY significant others)
do NOT NEED to be the center of attention
do NOT NEED their spouses to acquiesce every last minute and every last living breath to kowtowing to THEIR lifestyle/wants/desires/whims
Your wife DOESN'T have HIGH SELF-ESTEEM, she's FULL OF HERSELF (and full of sh1t)...BIG DIFFERENCE!

You're drinking her kool-aid, which is WHY everyone is advising you to go look in her purse.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I work with a guy who can't get out of bed before his wife wakes up or else she'll throw a hissey fit. So he lays there awake til she's up. Now THAT is whipped. (He isnt the smartest guy either...)


this kind of attitude can show itself more or less in other ways. My fiance wanted to watch TV. So I agreed to lie on the couch with him (that is, get off the laptop that I was using) nestle against his shoulder and read a magazine while zoning in and out of the talk show that he was watching. He thought that was terrible. I had to point out to him, be careful what you ask for.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Sorry to inform you, but PEOPLE WITH HIGH SELF-ESTEEM
> 
> do NOT NEED to insist that EVERYTHING be there way
> do NOT NEED to remind ANYONE that they are attractive
> ...


First of all she hasn't gone around telling me that she's attractive at any point and time, but instead insists she's very un-attractive because she's put on a few pounds even though I'm still attracted to her & tell her that. And secondly I am sure you and your wife are full of sh*t a lot of times too, and unless she's some female slave I'm sure your wife has demands too that you give into as well that you're afraid to admit to on here. In other words I'm not buying most of your b.s. so quit trying to sell it to me.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Meh, as you get older the idea of going out and living the good old days doesn't seem as appealing as it used to. Once in a blue moon is good.

My good old days were getting dead drunk, driving home dead drunk. Sleeping on the couch because I reeked of alcohol and my wife hates that. Wake up, throw up like crazy and swear that I'll never drink like that ever again.

Rinse/repeat when I got out with the boys again, which was at least once a week.

I still see some of the guys once in a while (like 5 or 6 times a year) but now a days I'm busy with work and 3 small kids. And so are my friends. Not about to show up at my daughter's show or girl scout functions smelling of alcohol.

Good to talk about the good old days, trying to relive them, no thanks.

BTW, I can't sleep with my friends (don't swing that way). I would rather stay home most of those nights and get laid if I could.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

I miss my friends too. Thank God for facebook! (Only girls and family on my facebook, I know a lot of you are heavy set against it)

Cee Paul, don't get too upset with them, they just don't like your wife because they like you and that's how she comes across to people, despite how you see her, this is how a 3rd party sees her. As much as these people might piss you off sometimes, you gotta hand it to them for honesty.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Not trying to "sell" you on anything. *YOU came here to complain *that your wife has bullied you ("her way or the highway") into giving up YOUR friends so you can do what SHE wants every weekend.

*You acquiesce continually to keep the peace *because she's such a harpy ("she gets all mad") whenever YOU don't do what SHE wants.



> have three best friends that I have known a very long time and we used to hangout and do a ton of stuff together........once upon a time. But since getting married I am lucky if I see them once every 4 months or even twice a year - and I blame it on all of our wives





> I pretty much *get away with *doing or (not)doing a bunch of different things even if she does get all mad.


You sound like a kid sneaking around on Mom & Dad to keep from 'getting in trouble'.

You want to see yourself as a long-suffering martyr, that's fine. One man's martyr is another man's doormat (kool-aid and purses included.)


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> First of all she hasn't gone around telling me that she's attractive at any point and time, but instead insists she's very un-attractive because she's put on a few pounds even though I'm still attracted to her & tell her that.



I've got to give it to you Cee, you definitely get mega points for loyalty. No matter how bad your posts make your wife out to look, and trust me from the outside looking in sometimes you make her look awful, you are extremely quick to defend her if anybody else actually agrees with your assessment, or further expounds on her perceived flaws.

You either still love your wife more than you let on, or you're defensive about the fact that you married this woman. 

If it's the former, I sure hope she recognizes what a loyal husband she has before it's too late!




Cee Paul said:


> And secondly I am sure you and your wife are full of sh*t a lot of times too, and unless she's some female slave I'm sure your wife has demands too that you give into as well that you're afraid to admit to on here. In other words I'm not buying most of your b.s. so quit trying to sell it to me.


It's kinda weird to me that you would assume somebody else's wife is demanding, and that their spouse is just afraid to admit so on an anonymous message board. Why would you assume that other people's marriages have the same issue yours does?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

CH said:


> Meh, as you get older the idea of going out and living the good old days doesn't seem as appealing as it used to. Once in a blue moon is good.
> 
> My good old days were getting dead drunk, driving home dead drunk. Sleeping on the couch because I reeked of alcohol and my wife hates that. Wake up, throw up like crazy and swear that I'll never drink like that ever again.
> 
> ...



No offense, but your good ole days sound like they sucked. I can totally see why you would mature out of those friendships. 

If this is what a lot of guys are referring to when they talk about friendship, than that gives me an entirely new perspective on why so many fellas here are more than happy to let those old friendships die in favor of their new lives.



CH said:


> BTW, I can't sleep with my friends (don't swing that way). I would rather stay home most of those nights and get laid if I could.


That's only an issue if sex is something you sit around hoping might happen. It's not a conflict if sex is plentiful.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> I've got to give it to you Cee, you definitely get mega points for loyalty. No matter how bad your posts make your wife out to look, and trust me from the outside looking in sometimes you make her look awful, you are extremely quick to defend her if anybody else actually agrees with your assessment, or further expounds on her perceived flaws.
> 
> You either still love your wife more than you let on, or you're defensive about the fact that you married this woman.
> 
> ...


It's kind of like when people bad mouth their kids but get pissed off when someone else does it, and in person when someone is calling their wife a nag or a b*tch I sure as hell don't join in and call her one too, but I forget it's a message board and a lot of times people tend to get a little more brave and there's not much any of us can do about that(in person the comments would be muuuuch different I can assure you).

As far as assuming others have a marriage like mine; no not all people but I have seen at least 20 different dudes on here that have the same or very similar complaints in their marriages, as well as many people I come across in my everyday life. And these friends that I am missing are in the same situation I am in that their wives won't let them get away too much, and that if I wanna get together it has to be me going to THEIR houses because it's much easier that way.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> It's kind of like when people bad mouth their kids but get pissed off when someone else does it, and in person when someone is calling their wife a nag or a b*tch I sure as hell don't join in and call her one too, but I forget it's a message board and a lot of times people tend to get a little more brave and there's not much any of us can do about that(in person the comments would be muuuuch different I can assure you).


Of course it would be different, anonymity affords unfettered expression. But it would be different on both sides. I highly doubt, in real life, you'd be sitting in the middle of a crowded bar and spilling all your wife's garbage all over the place for any, and everybody, to witness. 



Cee Paul said:


> As far as assuming others have a marriage like mine; no not all people but I have seen at least 20 different dudes on here that have the same or very similar complaints in their marriages, as well as many people I come across in my everyday life. And these friends that I am missing are in the same situation I am in that their wives won't let them get away too much, and that if I wanna get together it has to be me going to THEIR houses because it's much easier that way.


I agree, you are in a very common situation. I suppose it just struck me as odd that you assume that the other poster has to be lying about their demanding wife. I know that if the exchange was with me, and you said the same thing, I'd be equally as baffled because that's not how my marriage operates, and I personally would never be in one like that. Maybe the person you were debating with has a similar background?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I suppose it just struck me as odd that you assume that the other poster has to be lying about their demanding wife.


I think it was directed at ME and I can assure everyone at TAM that I do NOT have a demanding wife.

I'm a woman! But people on TAM frequently assume I'm a man. I'd prove I'm not, but THAT would just get me Banned!


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Of course it would be different, anonymity affords unfettered expression. But it would be different on both sides. I highly doubt, in real life, you'd be sitting in the middle of a crowded bar and spilling all your wife's garbage all over the place for any, and everybody, to witness.
> 
> 
> 
> I agree, you are in a very common situation. I suppose it just struck me as odd that you assume that the other poster has to be lying about their demanding wife. I know that if the exchange was with me, and you said the same thing, I'd be equally as baffled because that's not how my marriage operates, and I personally would never be in one like that. Maybe the person you were debating with has a similar background?


I have bad mouthed my wife to family, friends, and a few co-workers; but never have they joined in and agreed or added additional comments about her because it's just not something people do in person.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Cee Paul said:


> I have bad mouthed my wife to family, friends, and a few co-workers; but never have they joined in and agreed or added additional comments about her because it's just not something people do in person.


None of whom I referred to in my original post, as I analogized you being at a bar full of random strangers with being at an online site full of random strangers.


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