# Just need some advice



## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

Hello,
I have a question for the forum. Recently my wife told me that she thought she might want to be single. That she misses going out and just having fun. I let her go out with her girlfriends and never try to control her. I trust her so i have no problem. But these new feelings are coming out because her father was thinking about moving in with us ( he has MS) and she is a few years shy of 30 and so she felt her life was going to be over at 30. I think this might have spooked her. She also stated that she has a hard time making connections. I knew this when we got married 4 1/2 years ago, but i thought that since our daughter was born and she found God agian that we were making connections. She had a very rough childhood. I just don't know what to do. Do i create a little distance, stop the lovey dovey stuff that she could care less for? Let her go be single, seperation, divorce. She said that she loves me and our daughter and doesn't want a divorce and that her feelings to be single were not that strong, just fleeting thoughts. She's not interested in anyone in particular, i asked. She's not doing anything that would lead me to beleive she is cheating or chatting someone up. She is willing to get help. 

I know that i should be concerned, but how concerned should i be? I'm just looking to see what people think or if anyone has been in this position before.

Thank You All.


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## armywife0520 (Aug 29, 2011)

I am sorry to hear about your troubles. My opinion is this: you have a open and honest enough relationship that she was able to come to you and tell you how she felt even if they were just fleeting thoughts. That's something a lot of couples don't have. She seems like she is just having some doubts and thats ok! By loving her, supporting her, and being so trusting you are showing her what every wife wants. Whether she decides to forego those wonderful things and move on is her decision. But you have a child together, you love her, she is your wife and I believe also as a married person it is our job to do everything we can to keep the marriage together.. even if the other person's whole heart isn't in it. Again, that is just my opinion and I know it can be extremely difficult at times but there are too many people giving up too easily. 
God Bless!


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

Thank You armywife0520,
I agree with what you're saying. I love her and all her imperfections. I knew getting married to her and what her past was like was going to be an up hill battle, but i saw the good in her and still do. We've had some problems in the past, all leading to me forgiving her. I know she loves me and wants to be married, i just think that she really did get spooked. I guess i should just love her more everyday like i already do and show it to her and if in time that still ends up not being enough at least i know i tried. She's already admitted that it was her issues and nothing that i'm doing not doing.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Read you post back to her and get her feedback.

You have the blessing of good communication. 

Id also ask her what benefit being single would have over being in the security of a marriage to see if you can uncover the motive behind the "fleeting thoughts" 

To be clear, I think many spouses have fleeting thoughts about freedom on occassion especially when something highly irritating is going on.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

No i'm very lucky to be able to communicate with her like we do, but it also took a lot of work to get to that point. Her first marriage was with a guy who was very controlling so i understand why she sometimes wants to be left alone, she's use to not having that. Also i can see why she has issues with connecting with people because of her parents divorce and not reaching out to her and loving her like they should have. 

I asked her about her fleeting thoughts and it was like you said what everone has from time time. I get the same thoughts from time time, but never think i want to be single again. He said that she thinks about from time time. I think its the old its nice to meet new people, and go out. She did say that it was not that she wanted to sleep with other people, but has thought about, again same thoughts i've had and like everyone else.

I guess where i get worried is that she went through this before and things got really bad, always trying to push me away, blame me for everything little thing, and it lead to her having an issue. I found out what she was doing after we had moved and she had found God and Jesus and was trying to be a bette person, so i of course forgave her, because i loved and truly beleived she had found Christ and was not the same person she was when it was bad.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

In your present position I dont think it would be a good thing for her father to move in with you.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

Another thought i jsut had is, that if i start to pull away or make it seem like i don't care, then that could give her the wrong message and actually push her away. I have to be able to give her the space she needs, but not make it look like i'm checking out of the marriage. Also we're going to seek professional help as well.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

Oh no, he decided he wasn't ready to sell everything and move. so we're good there, unless he has a fall or something bad happens.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would say your wife really needs counselling to know exactly what she wants.


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## marriedman_10 (Dec 20, 2011)

neither her or myself are disputing that. I guess my questions were more of how much to invest in this emotionally knowing that there is a chance that i could get hurt and far would i need to go to fight for this marriage as far as ways to fix it, such as counselling, in house seperation, moving out, open-marriage, etc etc......


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