# What To Do About A Bad Marriage Counselor?



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Good Morning,

I just joined this site, because right now I am desperate and lost... I apologize for the length that this is going to be but I'm having a major major problem.

I've been married for 5 years, been together for 10 years total, known one another for roughly 12 years total. 

I thought things had been going well, we've had our issues, I was grouchier than normal in the last several months, but I felt that she wasn't talking to me, and seemed very sad at times, I would ask and she would just say "nothing was wrong". I wasn't perfect, I had been going to bed later and later because it felt awkward in bed, I didn't feel fulfilled, and was looking at porn, along with my grouchy behavior. But she was not communicating with me about anything meaningful, despite my constant attempts to work with her to tell me if something was wrong. I honestly believed that, as long as she loved me, we could get through our problems. Then at the beginning of this month a few bad things happened in a row, a sort of 'perfect storm' of occurences, and I came home one day to my wife saying "I don't know if I love you" and wanting to go to counseling. 

I was hesitant, because my parents had a very bad experience in which my father was held accountable for a lot of bad things that my mother was actually (and easily noted) responsible for. But in the end I decided to go because friends told me I could get to the bottom of what was going on with her, I could address my own issues, and it would help us both save our marriage.

Over the next week, a lot of stuff came out that I didn't know. I found out finally because I suspected something was up and I snooped in her emails. There I found a message to a friend stating "I am out of here, but my parents are insisting on counseling first" because her parents thought it was necessary, basically just stating that she was leaving me regardless. Utter devastation. 

Looking through the same emails, then I find one about a trip my wife took across the country to see family last month, and while there made contact with a man supposedly on a business trip that she had slept with before we were together, call him "Jerod" (not his real name). Years ago, "Jerod" had used her, basically, but apparently she has always continued to love him and hold onto him, and unknown to me, save everything he ever said and every email or text message along with long messages where she analyzes her feelings about him, etc. They met at his hotel, and talked for 6 hours, she did not sleep with him, I believe that, but there was shoulder rubbing and long talks. Basically an emotional affair she has been having with this person. 

At this point a bunch of stuff clicked about her behavior, I confronted her, and she broke down and cried, told me that she was so depressed she had considered killing herself, and that she was 'so sorry' she went to see "Jerod". She denied that the message meant she was leaving me, but I know exactly what I read. I left that alone though because I knew she was extremely emotionally unstable. At this point I knew we had really major issues to deal with. Yes, I had my grouchy behavior and porn, but she had gone outside of the marriage for an emotional affair, was torn to pieces by this, and was projecting and blaming my behavior all the way up till I finally found out she had seen another man. But I felt hopeful because I believed my wife was finally being honest with me and had opened up about her real feelings for the first time in a long time, which was a huge step.

So, now, the counselor, let's just call her "Ruth" (Not her real name). She seemed nice enough, but she immediately jumped on me "You don't respect your wife" because I walked in the door before my wife did. That was the only thing she drew that conclusion from. My wife has always been timid, she tells me it was a very bad boyfriend years ago, with social anxiety, along with the depression she brought into the marriage, so I've always taken lead, "Walking in front makes me uncomfortable" she would say. 

The first session wasn't exactly bad but "Ruth" didn't address my wife's lying to me nor the visit to the man across the country. The first thing she said was that "You don't respect your wife" because I walked in the door in front of her. That was a slap in the face. My wife began to choke up once and "Ruth" handed her some tissues (more on that later). My wife did not say anything about either her first boyfriend or why she walks behind me to the counselor, she let me just get drilled. She addressed my wife's inability to talk to me but blamed that on my grouchy behavior, and also that I shouldn't EVER look at porn because it upset my wife. I agreed I needed to work on my grouchyness, and I was willing to stay away from porn to save my marriage, I was willing to do that, but I was rather upset that we didn't get to any of what was making me unhappy.

I believed we would get to the other issues of my wife's later in counseling at a later time. But a few days later my 4 year old daughter was playing on the computer and inadvertantly found a private blog my wife was keeping, in which she went more into detail about what happened on the trip, that she had lied to me about several things, but worse than that something like "I can't believe I had to tell HIM about my special visit, the last person I would ever want to know about it, it makes me sick to think he knows about that, that he knows how bad my depression got..." and again, like I was punched in the stomach. A meaningful moment where I believed my wife was finally honest, ruined by A) she wasn't being honest STILL and B) she regretted even telling me anything  She also went on to say she had been reading MY emails for some time and made some silly emotional projections about my completely innocent interactions with an old friend from college I had never dated, a friend I told her about 2 days BEFORE she went to see "Jerod".

I gave my wife several days to come clean, I even disclosed a painful memory to her about something that had happened to me in my teenage years. Still, nothing, she would not tell the whole truth about the trip. I was emotionally spent and unable to sleep, finally I broke down, I told her I had seen everything, and she went into "Oh god, oh god, how could you, those were my private thoughts". I apologized, and I was sorry for having seen it, I hadn't even searched for that, but I had, and she was extremely angry with me, not willing to talk about lying to me, etc. We moved the counseling up several days and went in immediately. 

Did not go at all as I suspected. "Ruth" attacked me non stop. Rather than address the dishonesty she told me I was "childish" for having looked at the journal and that I was the dishonest one for ever having tried to get my wife to tell me the truth. WHAT???? I tried asking what I should have done? I addressed the "emotional affair" and the counselor attacked me again, saying that what my wife did was only because I was "looking at porn" as though the visit with this man was completely acceptable. "Ruth" went on to say that I was making excuses, that her behavior was all a direct reaction to things I had done, and that I refused to accept responsibility for my own "actions", yelled "YOU ARE A BULLY" several times at me, until I broke down in stunned silence. This time, as I cried, the counselor just sat there and stared at me, didn't offer me any tissues or support. I sobbed and asked what I was doing wrong, "Ruth" stated "What do you think you are doing wrong?" sternly, I even mentioned a book I had bought to read and try to figure things out, a relationship help book, and she snidely replied "Well, I hope that helps you". 

My wife, again, did nothing to support me. The entire counseling session was an attack on me, my status as a man, and my behavior, and ignored everything she had done other than to basically say it was my fault for not being "open" enough.

It was a really "stunned" ride home, I was basically in a fog, my wife was elated, which actually was the only good thing for me, until we were almost home and she said "I'm really glad I went to see Jerod" at which point the wind was knocked out of my sails completely, again, and worse yet because she has affirmation from a counselor now that her visit to this man was all my fault. She also still wishes I didn't know about the visit.

So that brings me to now. I feel hopeless and that I'm irrevocably damaged now. Aren't married couples supposed to be sharing information with one another??? I was first to admit that I shouldn't have seen her 'private blog' but when information within that blog directly contridicts what she is saying to me in real life, what was I to do? It was an accident that I saw that anyway. I've NEVER (and I mean NEVER) looked through my wife's private things before, now I regret ever having done so. 

"Ruth" didn't ever ask why I was looking at porn, didn't ask WHY I was grouchy, made tremendous leaps of assumptions, and in the meantime my wife allowed me to be attacked the entire hour, including some absolutely ludicrious assertions by the counselor about my parents.

I asked my wife later that night why she didn't come to my aid at all during the session, about her abusive boyfriend, about her suicidal thoughts, and my wife basically told me to shut up, that she "agreed" with everything the counselor had said. I told her to please never mention her feelings about "Jerod" ever again to me, and she just got grouchy and rolled over and went to sleep. Now I've been up since 4 am writing this post.

I know you are getting only my side, but I'm trying to be up front about my issues too. I'm getting no help at all and I'm severely spiraling and I fear I'm goign to lose my marriage.

Am I really the one who is all wrong here????????


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Wow sounds to me like "Ruth" is really just your wifes friend pretending to be a marriage counselor. Dh and I have done plenty of time on the couch and neither of us have ever been yelled at, called names and if either one of us cried we quickly were handed a tissue box. 

I have no advice other than to say do not go back to "Ruth". Sometimes you do have to shop around for a good counselor. I've been to about 4 and now have 1 that I really connected with and like. I've heard that some of them do suck. My Ex-BIL is a psychiatrist and I cringe thinking of him advising anyone. He's a cheater, addicted to pain pills and a compulsive gambler. And yes he's still practicing. You just have no idea who you are talking to.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't know what to do. Today I'm supposed to go talk to the chaplain, I want to see a different counselor but I'm worried that my wife will throw that in my face and leave me. How do I tell my wife how uncomfortable this counselor makes me, and also let her know that I am working to change the issues that I honestly need to work on?

I don't want to come right out and say this is a BAD COUNSELOR but god help me, she is horrible, I took 3 years of counseling in college, not an 'expert' I know but that's enough to know you don't f with someone's head like this... now suddenly I'm really a wreck and my wife is all vindicated for all the bad things she has ever done.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

You've got to face the fear of your wife leaving you. Yes it might happen but do you really want to keep seeing "Ruth" just to keep your wife placated? How much more of a wreck do you need to be before you just say no.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What To Do About A Bad Marriage Counselor? 


Get a new one.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

A new counselor is definitely in order! If you are both not confident in a counselor, the chances of marriage counseling being successful is slim to none. There are so many counselors out there and finding the right fit does not always happen right away. It also sounds like the next counselor will have some damage repair to do from the “idiot” you just paid money to see. Typically the very first session doesn’t cover much more than some type of new client and counselor orientation. It severes more as an open door for a Q & A which helps to build a foundation of where to start from. After the first season you usually walk away thinking, “Gosh, I hope this gets better. We did not accomplish anything. What a waste of a co-pay.” What you got was a browbeating!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

A new counselor is in order. BUT I caution you to look at you a little harder. You wife did this, your wife did that. None of it good. You want people to look at why YOU are unhappy. In order to do that you need to look at why SHE is unhappy. Why is she depressed? Why are you the LAST person she wants to speak about her feelings with? I may be reading too much between the lines here, but I would be a dollar that your "grouchiness" that you are glossing over is bigger to HER than you are accepting.

In any event, you can only control your actions. Do the actions that engender a desire for her to look at her actions. Look at what YOU are doing to engender distance from her.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> A new counselor is in order. BUT I caution you to look at you a little harder. You wife did this, your wife did that. None of it good. You want people to look at why YOU are unhappy. In order to do that you need to look at why SHE is unhappy. Why is she depressed? Why are you the LAST person she wants to speak about her feelings with? I may be reading too much between the lines here, but I would be a dollar that your "grouchiness" that you are glossing over is bigger to HER than you are accepting.
> 
> *In any event, you can only control your actions*. Do the actions that engender a desire for her to look at her actions. Look at what YOU are doing to engender distance from her.


I bolded something that was brought up earlier today by my supervisor at work (who is also a peer counselor). She wants me to continue to work on maintaining my own more 'understanding' behavior, being helpful, she agrees that this counselor is likely causing me harm but to wait and see if she actually goes after some of my wife's underlying issues later.

The 'grouchiness' is something I am not trying to gloss over, it was wrong on my part, I couldn't think of the word this morning but it is passive aggressive with some immaturity issues when dealing with certain conflict. I'm more likely to lash out at situations that irritate me when my wife isn't around but I didn't realize that she could hear me sometimes, which was poor judgement on my part. I am now working on taking 10 seconds if any situation gets me edgy, a deep breath, think about it, and then move forward with what I wish to say or do. It is already working, she has been a lot happier this past couple of weeks, but I've been a lot less happy which in turn is still conflicting our marriage. 

There is a lot that my wife brought into this marriage that I'm not going into detail here have not being addressed at all, issues that have caused a lot of strain on me. 

My wife and I talked for 5 hours today about issues, started with her yelling at me about disliking the counselor but we settled on one more session in which I'm going to take a pen and notebook and take notes, follow along quietly, and if the counselor continues to attack me and blame me, we will look into a new counselor. Right now everything has been placed on me but perhaps, PERHAPS this is some strange technique this lady has thinking she needs to break me down abusively (still not right imho).

It is correct that I can only really make changes on my own behavior, the rest is up to my wife. We are both committed to staying in this marriage and that part is really the best thing we have going for each other, that and so far at least my committment to change.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

OH and I want to point something out, my wife is a wonderful woman, I don't want to paint some horrible picture of her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Don't do what why wife did. She got in a fistfight with one, sued one and reported another on professional ethics to his board. Needless to say we couldn't find one now if we wanted. We're on some list of Do Not Treat, I'm sure.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I haven't raised my voice at this woman, and last session she was practically screaming at me... 

I deal very well with conflict resolution, I was a 'problem caller' specialist at my last job with a trading firm. But to sit here getting yelled at for really strange reasons is unnerving.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I wonder how she would react if you asked to tape record your sessions. LOL
I'm really sorry you found such a crap counselor!


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

So things got a little more interesting last night.

In counseling, the counselor blamed the porn I had watched for my wife feeling insecure and needing to see another man 2000 miles away. The reason my wife knew about the porn was she has been searching my internet history for some time now. 

I used my wife’s computer for the first time in 5 months last night and in the drop down address box I went to to get to yahoo…

A porn address

So I looked up her history and probably 20 or so different times in 3 months she has been looking at a porn video website. So the counselor's excuse that "Oh he looks at porn that is why you went to another woman" is a little rocky now.

I honestly know that my behavior has not been fair to my wife, I am working to change that, but my wife’s sudden 20 lb weight loss in 2 months and her sudden massive depression are because of some other demons in her head other than me being passive aggression, mainly unresolved feelings for a man she cannot have, that she went to see while in Florida with her family. (He is from South America). 

I am making lots of headway all week long with her, and she admits a lot of stuff, but I fear the counselor will just throw it all in my face and blame me for everything again, and if I bring up the porn I fear she’ll just say “Well it doesn’t bother YOU does it, your wife is bothered by YOU looking at porn” in which case, she is violating “The goose and the gander” principle in philosophy,which is a HUGE HUGE HUGE no no. 

My wife doesn't know that I have seen the porn links as of yet, and has made clear that the porn is what bothers here, not the 'self gratification', she says the gratification is fine as long as I'm not looking at porn.

The counselor has not ever asked why I look at porn, nor has the counselor aggressed why I am passive aggressive. I don't understand that either, a HUGE part of why I do certain things are reactions to other issues in our relationship.

Any thoughts??? 

I’ve now lost about 10 lbs in 10 days.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Get another non man hating counselor like YESTERDAY.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Sounds like she's projecting what she's doing onto you. Much easier to blame you than take ownership.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Fire him/her. Don't screw around. Do it in a nice way, tell her it's not working and ask for a referral to someone else.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

Things are really awesome right now. I have made a bunch of changes in my behavior, told my wife how I was feeling, and something flipped, she jumped up and smiled, a way I haven't seen her in a long long time. 

The last 24 hours have been lots and lots of disclosure, tears, cuddling, intimacy, just... happy, my wife says she is truly happy for the first time since our first date, and I told her that I looked at her computer history, we discussed the porn issues at depth and got to a real root cause related to the porn. Instead of getting angry about the porn and looking for a fight, I smiled at her and didn't even wait for her to respond, said "Sweety it doesn't bother me, I won't use that as an excuse to look myself, and I won't make you stop, but you have to bring this up monday" (next session). 

In a nutshell, I am passive aggressive, I get irritated at bad service, junk mail, telemarketers, any situations that I feel aren't meeting my expectations. Some women may handle this without a hitch, but my wife is not. Her first serious boyfriend was a very abusive controlling lunatic, and it caused her to clam up and become very quiet during confrontational situations. So when I get angry, or just quiety brooding, she isn't able to talk to me because she fears my responses, and when she sees me getting upset with others, she feels responsible and ashamed for my actions. It has been this way the entire time we have been together, except for maybe our first date. 

This was a switch that went off in my head, doesn't mean I'm a bad husband for most people, but for her personality: I AM a bad husband 

So I have been pretty weepy, even throughout today, thinking about the last 9 years and how often I did things that sent her spiraling into a really dark place, and how when she did try and speak up for herself I didn't notice, ignored or just gave her a grumpy look, and woosh down she would go even further. She accepts the fact that she never really told me any of this before, and I ultimately accept responsibility for not being more attentive and caring for her. 

So yes, I am going to give this counselor another shot, with the idea that perhaps she believed confrontational therapy was for some reason the only way to get through to me, but honestly it was my wife's disclosures that actually got through to me. I want to say and do the right things in this next counseling session to avoid conflict, and hopefully my wife can bring up this "unrequitted love" she feels for this man (what she called it to me) because she is very uncomfortable talking about it in front of me and, let's be honest, I should not be acting as counselor AND trying to be the caring husband, it is a counselor's job to key in on comments like "unrequitted" and dig deeper. Like I said, I have 3 years of psychology and even I know a comment like that needs to be dug into, and shouldn't be blamed souly on the husband (although I do take responsibility in part for driving her away). I want to sit there and hold her hands and hug her and just tell her that "I don't care what you did, I just want you to know that from now on I will act better towards you and everyone else and be a better listener". 

Any thoughts on this? What should I look out for as final warning signs that "Yes, this is honestly a counselor that dislikes men and may cause irrepairable harm to your marriage". Firing her is still what I'd like to do but my wife really doesn't want to go through this with someone new...


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I'm trying to understand what you are saying there, are you saying to go ahead and ditch my counselor based on my last post or are you just answering the overall topic?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

They work for you. You pay them. If it's not working out, replace them.


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