# Separation



## petitpoisson (Dec 30, 2020)

Hello everyone,

My name is Kelly. I'm 29 years old and I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and married for 3. He's my best friend and the love of my life, and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. There's multiple reasons he's feeling this way, but the main one is he feels a lot of resentment towards me for something that happened 2 years ago. At that time him and I were both going through a depression, and to cope I put all my energy into learning French. The only people I wanted to talk to were people who lived in France, or spoke French. He needed me, and I spent my time talking to other people. 

I was able to work through this with therapy and medication, and I felt closer to him now than I ever did. We have an 18 month old daughter together, and up until a month ago I thought everything was going well. Then he sprang the news on me that he doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. He says it's not my fault that he's feeling this way, but the only reasons he's gave are things that I've done. I'm feeling very guilty for what feels like ruining my family with my actions. 

Yesterday he told me he wants to spend some time apart and separate until he can figure out his feelings. It broke my heart to hear this. He says he hasn't made any decision yet, but separating just feels final. I'm upset and hurt, and the person I usually turn to when I'm feeling this way is him, and now I feel like I have nobody to lean on. 

Has anybody been through something similar, and how did you cope with this?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

petitpoisson said:


> Has anybody been through something similar


Yep. But I didn't "read the tea leaves" well, at that time. This was significant of the start of her adultery.,



petitpoisson said:


> He says it's not my fault that he's feeling this way, but the only reasons he's gave are things that I've done.


This is Cheater's Handbook, chapter 2. The adulterer recognizes, within him/herself, that he/she is SOLELY responsible. However, he/she, when the BS tries to normalize things, gives lies about who is at fault.



petitpoisson said:


> I'm feeling very guilty for what feels like ruining my family with my actions.


Stop. Your actions have ruined nothing. It is HIS actions which are ruining the marriage.



petitpoisson said:


> how did you cope with this?


At first, I tried to make her happy, but found that no matter what I did, or didn't, she was still blaming me.
I then caught them together.
For 1-1/2 years, I tried everything to "make it work". Then, one day, I came to the realization that I was married to a liar and a woman of low moral degree.
I proceeded with an "emotional divorce". She became just someone who lived in my house, sucked my money and my time, an "appendage".


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Start seeing another guy, see how fast he comes back lol.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

petitpoisson said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> My name is Kelly. I'm 29 years old and I've been with my husband for almost 7 years and married for 3. He's my best friend and the love of my life, and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. There's multiple reasons he's feeling this way, but the main one is he feels a lot of resentment towards me for something that happened 2 years ago. At that time him and I were both going through a depression, and to cope I put all my energy into learning French. The only people I wanted to talk to were people who lived in France, or spoke French. He needed me, and I spent my time talking to other people.
> 
> ...


Your husband isn't going to figure out his feelings on his own and by separating like that. You both need to start seeing a marriage counselor, even if that means you don't stay together. Plenty of couples go into marriage counseling with one or both spouses either being unsure of their future or wanting to divorce. It doesn't have to be something to "save the marriage", which you should make sure he knows. It's a tool to figure out what you both really want and the best way to get there. You have a child together and even if you divorce you will be tied together through her. Co-parenting isn't easy.

If there are issues in the marriage, living under separate roofs often doesn't fix those issues. Sometimes marriage counselors do recommend a separation (typically when there has been abuse), but it is planned out and there are rules. There are things like individual counseling for both spouses, weekly marriage counseling, deciding on how often you will communicate and what methods you will use, if you can see other partners, plans for the child(ren), how long the separation will last, etc. If you are going to do a so-called trial separation, at least try to get him to talk with a marriage counselor about it.

Does he want to see other people during this separation? That's an important thing to figure out and will show what he actually wants.

My wife and I were pretty much separated earlier this year (I said I was done and left) but we're together now and fine, so it's possible. But... most of the time these trial separations are a way of easing into divorce. He may already know what he wants (and yes, he could very well be cheating) but doesn't have the balls to tell you and thinks slowly pulling off the bandaid will be easier.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Separating cannot possibly "fix" the marriage. This requires obedience and adherence to the vows made at the wedding. Separating is not included in them.



bobert said:


> He may already know what he wants (and yes, he could very well be cheating) but doesn't have the balls to tell you and thinks slowly pulling off the bandaid will be easier.


This is precisely correct. He is just going to blame you in the process so he "feels better"....."balls" require TRUTH...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

looks like he is making excuses and wants to test run another model and keep u as plan B in the mean time. I suspect he is cheating. Don’t ask him or put him on notice but go into stealth mode and snoop. Put a VAR in his car, note what he says. Cross check. Try to act normal. Has he started talking about any new colleague etc? Start doing the 180 on him to detach and emotionally protect yourself. Go see a lawyer also. Tell you family and friends what is happening. Forget about MC, go for IC. Act like you are believing every word he says and are giving him the freedom he wants. No begging, crying, reasoning,nothing.


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