# How do i change myself for my kids? I want to make the difference.



## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Hello everyone, I really am trying to turn things around with my family and I am kind of stuck at the moment with my two little girls. 

I have stopped drinking for almost 6 months now, I can really feel/see the difference now, then I did the last few months. My attitude has gotten better, I am more motivated, my emotions are back and I have energy. I just need to fix the damage I did when I was a drunk.

My girls are 4 and 8 years old. I feel like a horrible father, I feel like I am my father now and the thing about that is he was never there for me. I always told myself I do not want to be like that, well, here I am. 

This may sound weird or that I am trying to put the blame on someone but I am not. Ever since this one day has passed I have not been able to get out of this rut.... What happened is, one day my mom and I were talking when my oldest was around 3 I believe. My mom said to me that my daughter is going to have soo much fun with me as she grows up. Ever since my mom has told me this I kid you not I am the complete opposite ever since that day.... I do not know why... I never play with her, usually i am just following behind saying dont do this or that, you need to listen, dont talk that way to us, be nice to your sister type of things. Do not get me wrong I do interact but not the way i told myself i would because i did not want to be like my dad and my kids growing up on the streets like I did which led to big mistakes that i have made and have actually put me behind in life.

But for some reason i cannot shack this rut. I tell myself every night before i go home that i am going to play with them tonight. Then i get home and still have the intensions but something usually ticks me off. Either its the girls or my wife or work related that i for some reason have not left at work but after an hour i am fine. But by that time my girls are playing wii or watching something or playing amongst themselves.

When i grew up my mom was always busy with my baby sister and cleaning the house, while my dad worked and when he got home we would eat and then he would work until late hours of the night in his basment. I never had help with school, no guidance, was never taught things a guy should be taught example shaving (that was fun to learn myself) Girls, career, what not to do and what to do. I always was on the streets with friends and always thought this is how it is to be, that is to be with friends. well, now they all have families and i never see them so go figure i was wrong.

Like right now i want to go home and play with the girls but once i am home i will find something to do or will just sit there. I want to be more involved with her schooling/learning cause I can see her just guessing at the answer and my wife eventually gives in and tells her the answer. She does not try to think on how to solve the problems, which worries me cause i was like that. I do not want her to be like me. 

So last night she was working on math homework and i helped a bit. After this I went ahead and did some googling for math and came upon a great site that has actual flash cards that work as if you were working with someone who has the cards. I actually built my girls each there own computer out of my old spare parts for them to learn the computer now to have that edge on all other kids. 

I feel i am in the right direction but feel that i am missing something. Whether it be motivation or just the way to go about it I am not sure but that is why i am here now asking you guys for help....
I dont want my daughter to turn out to be one of those girls that has to be a bad kid to get attention, I do not want them to not like me when they turn teenagers like i did to my parents. I can see my oldest now being like that, goofy just to get my attention. I know she is crying out for attention and does not know why or how to get it but i feel this is my Q


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What about setting up appointments to do something with them, that you set up while you're at work? Like a play date at a bowling alley or a climbing gym place? Say, for 7pm. That way, when you get home, you have to make the appointment or pay for the no-show? 

And set aside a special place for the two of you to do her homework at.

Also, tell her to pick out a book for when you get home, and you'll sit down with her after dinner and read it to her. That way, she's bringing the book to you.

Also, ask her to pick out an activity that will be just for you two - walking, nature hikes, tennis, skating, four-square...whatever as long as it's your special thing. Getting the exercise will be good for you, two, as you deal with your sobriety, and it will help with your mood. Girls want NOTHING more than to have one-on-one time with their dads. ALL of my childhood memories are of such things; even when it's me cleaning his boat for him, lol.

There's also a website called daughters.com that's written by a father, and has all kinds of great things to do and read together.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

This is just a wild guess, but it sounds like you're trying to find yourself interested in "stuff girls like", and that you have to stop doing things _you_ like. But my kids were pretty much always interested in whatever it was I was doing, just because I was doing it.

Your lack of interest sounds like someone who has stopped doing the things he liked, maybe because they didn't seem like proper "Daddy" things, and he had to be Daddy now.

What do YOU like to do? What are your hobbies, or favorite games? What's your favorite book? What toys did you like when you were kid? Get some out and play with them. (My brother's kids were driving the trains on his layout when they were 6.)

Do the things _you_ like, and do it somewhere the kids can see, and they'll come over to watch all on their own. Then you can explain what you're doing. There's a good chance they'll be fascinated, because it's grownup stuff, and because it's you.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

well, i am a handy guy, an electronic guy not just like gadgets but the insides as well, i am studying to be an electronic engineer. I also like sports, gardening indoors, very open minded, very creative as well. 

Its not that i cannot find something to do or girl things to do. I feel that i have missed out on so much time with them that i do not know where to start with them. I feel they should know how to ride a bike by now, well its to cold for that now but in the summer. I built each of them there own computer with my old equipment and they love them but alot of the times they just use them for games like dressing up dolls on the computer which is fine but only one person can really do that not to mention they dont play long they get bored. 
Though last night i made progress. I got home and helped my oldest with the homework. Then when upstairs she was playing the wii, i walked by and said give me a minute and we will play. I came back and we played bowling. While playing i asked her if she thinks that i do not like her or if i hate her or does she feel she cannot come to talk to me about anything. She said she does not think that i do not love her or hate her but did not answer much.

So then i decided it was time to tell her about me and my alcohol problem. I explained that pretty much her whole life so far i was a drunk. I told her that before she was born i was a different person but the drinking changed me in a bad way and i had to stop before i ruin everything or lose everything. I told her that it has been 6 months now and it was not easy and she may have seen me alot lately crabby and mad but i told her its not her but me dealing with not drinking. i told her its a disease and is not easy to get rid of. I told her but now it has been long enough where i actually feel like my old self and that things are only going to get better with all of us now. I told her that she can come to me about anything, i said you can ask my how things work, why are things like this or that, about the world anything. I saw a little smile like that was what she needed to hear. lol
I explained that i love her but there was something i had to do and now i did it so we can become best friends now. I told her to get attention from me is not by acting bad or talking back to us trying to get attention but now it will come to you.
I am really trying with her and my other daughter but my other daughter is only 4 so its alittle different with her. I think with her i just need to start playing. She loves dinosaurs and tonight when i get home i am gonna show her the internet and how she can learn about dinosaurs and all the different sites there are for them. lol
Man, i feel as if i had someone put there hand on my shoulder just now, trying to tell me thats the way you do it, thats the way you do it... I kid you not i just felt a whole surge of energy flow through me, that was freaky in a good way though. it was actually an uplifting feeling. until tonight i will report back tomorrow.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

One place to start is with what needs to be done today. Does the vacuum need a new bag? Does your car need a new air filter? Does the mower blade need to be sharpened? Are there bills to pay, which need stamps and return-address stickers applied to the envelopes?

Ask them what their favorite books are. Read to them at bedtime. My son read all 7 _Harry Potter_ books to his kids, starting when they were 8 and 10. (Probably a bit intense for 4.)

And if anything goes amiss, be sure to include them in the fixing. Take the batteries out of the flashlight and have them hold the leads to your voltmeter. As you do more things together, it'll get easier.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I read to my daughter every night of her life at bedtime til she was about 12 (and then it was uncool, lol). It was one of the most important bonding experiences ever. Plus, it helps instill a love of reading in your kids, and we all know that translates into tons of benefits.


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## MrP.Bodybig (Jul 21, 2009)

There's a game my wife, daughter and I, play every night. That helps us connect. At the dinner table or any other time every one is together, one of us will ask, "what was your favorite part of the day?". Then after everyone does there "worst" part of the day. It's corny but it works. Helps you know how a person is doing and where they are emotionally. Plus side is that it helps relationships with everyone.

As far as your like or dislike of spending time with them. Find something that they like that you like as well or can at least stand to do. They are your children they should bring light into your heart every time you see them. I'm afraid to say the way you were treated as a kid and the obvious guilt you feel for having a drinking problem. Has definitely taxed you emotionally. Maybe you should seek professional help to deal with your feelings.

Also I come from a Drunken mother, and it hurt a lot. I hope that you will make sure that they are not hurt as well.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tony8404 said:


> I told her that before she was born i was a different person but the drinking changed me in a bad way and i had to stop before i ruin everything or lose everything. I told her that it has been 6 months now and it was not easy and she may have seen me alot lately crabby and mad but i told her its not her but me dealing with not drinking. i told her its a disease and is not easy to get rid of. I told her but now it has been long enough where i actually feel like my old self and that things are only going to get better with all of us now. I told her that she can come to me about anything, i said you can ask my how things work, why are things like this or that, about the world anything. I saw a little smile like that was what she needed to hear. lol


Okay, you win the 'make Swedish cry today' contest. That is great, Tony. Keep that image of her little smile with you if you ever get tempted to falter.

okay some ideas...Learn to Read with phonics is a good site for learning for young ones...I have to agree with the others on reading...we used to have a big prairie in our yard so I used to make up bedtime stories when my kids were little...they would go off on adventures together in the prairie...they still remember them! Also, think about what your 8 yr old is good at...does she love to draw, color, etc. If you do things with her that she loves, it will give you the opportunity to praise her and let her know how great she is at this or that...and for the dinosaur thing, I found these wooden puzzles at Michael's craft store for $1-2 that connect together...all kinds of animals...My niece (who is 4) and I have put many of them together.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

Hon, my Dad was an alcoholic. I commend you for sitting your oldest down and explaining what you are going thru to her. Believe it or not, that is a conversation she will likely remember all of her life. 
You have to stop worrying about what you missed and work on just BEING with them. Cuddle up and watch a movie. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs is a great one...my boys (4 and 2) loved it. I bet your daughter's would too. If you are worried about your daughter acting out, try taking her to karate. My 4 year old is in karate...half his class is girls. It teaches them respect and discipline and how to defend themselves. Maybe it could be an activity that you could take her to and from each week (my son has 1 class a week) and it would give you guys a chance to have some alone time. My oldest loves it when we go on "dates" and he is so proud when I take him to karate. 
Relax, and enjoy your daughters NOW. You are doing a great thing. I wish my Dad had been able to stop before so much damage was done. He died when i was 16 from cirrhosis. He had quit after YEARS of drinking, but at 50, the damamge had already been done.


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Thanks guys for all the positive feedback. I am so depressed right now its not even funny. You know, when you think you have finally figured things out and then something just comes from behind you and takes your legs right out from underneath you. Well, this has happened to me this weekend and i do not think i will ever be the same now. 

Man, that bottle has never seemed to look so good as it does right now... 

I feel it is safe to say now, that I truly hate my wife and before I thought about how things would have been if I never met her... Only to want to have not met her now.

I need to get a divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What happened?


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## tony8404 (Sep 16, 2009)

Well, just about every week now since i have stopped drinking i have been trying to better my so called marriage. I would ask my wife what are me and her going to do together, since my parents watch our girls sat to sunday. I asked her on Thursday knowing we have a gift card for some restaurant. Well, after I ask she just says i have a funeral to go to saturday. I said oh okay no problem then, but then i thought about it and said to her, when does it start and when would you be back home. Well, it was from noon - 2p.m. i said we cannot go out after you get back. The funeral was for her friends father who she did not ever meet but she went for support and i had no problem with this though she has been friends with this girl for the past 4 months at that. 
She tells me okay we will go out. Well, Friday night as i sit on the couch and she gave the girls there bath her phone text message thing lights up and she yells to me to check it for her and to tell her what was said. Well, it is this other girl which was going to the funeral as well, saying hey wake me up in the morning so i do not miss it. So i tell my wife this. Well, just under that text message was the other one from this girl from thursday night after i asked to go out with my wife saying after the funeral why dont us three go back to your house and chill out. My wife says sure why not i doubt my husband will mind. Knowing i just asked her for us to be together to work on us. 

I did not say anything to her about it at all. Just thought nothing of it and to just play the day out and see what happens. Well, at 2:30 on saturday she texts me knowing i am waiting for her to bring me home some food since i was cleaning the whole house for her. saying she will be home in a bit she went to eat with the girls family. I thought oh okay maybe another hour or two at the most. Yeah right more like she gets home at 6:30 but calls and wakes me up which by that time i was starving since i only ate some cookies with frosting so of course i had a sugar high for a long time and then crashed and was very very crabby. 
She then calls me and says oh by the way is it cool if they stop by for the night with us. I said man i do not know i kinda want just us to be together. She got all ticked off and says what my friends cannot come over now!!! I said well instead of playing games with me you should have just told me your intentions in the first place. 
After she gets home she brings me no food just to piss me off. So i get the car and get food and eat. then i felt bad and woke her up and said call them over. She does and we had a good time till she disrespects me infront of them like she has me all wrapped around her finger. She says i am hungry what are you going to get us. I said nothing like you brought me home even though i waited since 11 a.m. till 6:30pm. for food and cleaned all day for you i think i done enough. Well, of course i was not hungry and her friends were not either. She then in a bit says i am hungry, what will you pick up for us and i said again i am not leaving the house but when she says it this time its with loud voice swearing at me and calling me names. I got soooo ticked off cause of how she disrespected me infront of her friends.
The next morning she gets he girls and i tell her that i am waiting on an apology, she says i will never get that from her. I said what else is new i never get anything from you. So she starts this well, why dont you leave then i do not need you and i hate you. I said oh really so when did you start not loving me anymore she says i do not remember that many years ago. So i said you have lied all this time to me huh? she is like pretty much. i said so even though i stopped drinking, the one thing you wanted more then anything made no difference to you. She tells me oh like its a big deal you stopped..... I got mad and told her you will never understand it nor do you care what i went through. I got all upset felt like my heart was ripped out and now i dont care anymore. 
I try so hard with this girl, i am tired of being made a fool. Though this was the most we have talked about us in years. I thought we were getting somewhere. We talked for a while, then we talked again. This morning was to be a new begging, yeah that lasted from 6:00a.m. till 9:30a.m. She thought i was snopping on her like i did last week when she was trying to find customers from when she worked at this bank almost 2-3 years ago which i thought was weird, but then on her facebook it said one day she thought it was creepy for her old customers to try to find her on facebook but then she turns around and does the same thing. So i went into the facebook and block these guys, notice i did not say girls just guys. one of them did not have a profile so i do not know how old he is but he lives awfully close to me and i find that to be a red flag... wouldnt you? 
Well, she found out that i went ahead and blocked this person. She was mad and said why did I not just ask her, i said cause I wanted to see how far this was going to go. Now i will not know cause she knows i know so she will either wait for my guard to go down. She says this guy is like 55 years old. I told her how come its only guys and no girls which i doubt that bank only catered to guys and had a sign saying we do not accept female customers right?

It may have been innocent, but she cheated on me one time before and it was very bad, it tore me apart and i never fully recovered yet. Instead of someone having a 1-5% what if in the back of there mind on things, my 1-5% is now like 5-10% what if. She never gave me closure on that issue but when i stopped drinking I went to seek help from a specialist. during my time with this incredible person I talked to him about my marriage and he really gave me the best advice and i wish i would have talked with him a few years ago. Since i talked with this guy i was able to get over the cheating thing. How am i supposed to know this guy was not hitting on her, how do i know they did not go to lunch of he sent flowers and stuff? This has happened to her before but instead of me getting involved she went to the banks h.r. to get this person not to come to her anymore. 
So now to me she made a comment today which makes me feel like she is trying to see for sure that i am not able to get into her facebook since she changed the password but I am very good with computers and she knows this. Today she texted me how was i able to get into her facebook and i told her its a secret i will never tell anyone. Seems like she got mad cause she could not be sneaky now knowing i still can get in it if i truly wanted to. 
I am tired of changing myself 360 degrees while she just sits there and does not put in on this relationship. I stopped drinking and it does not even get her to flinch. But if i go to the bottle again she would leave but that is the thing she cannot look up on google what i am going through on mood swings, control, emotions i have not felt in years, seeing the damage i did. but she will just get up and leave if i drink again. This totally sucks, i have not killed anyone but i feel i am labeled a murderer...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hmmm.

First, congrats on not drinking. You'll never regret it.

That said, what real work have you done on your marriage? She had an absent (or worse) husband for a long time. What have you done to change that, to show her what you're willing to do to improve it?

I understand the worry about cheating, but you can only control yourself. Print out the Love Buster questionnaire from marriagebuilders.com and ask her to fill it out. It will tell you what SHE doesn't like about you. Then you can work to eliminate those things. That's an important first step toward getting the woman you want for a wife.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Hi Tony,

I hope you don't throw in the towel. She probably lost a lot of respect for you the years you were drinking and not reliable, not there for her. It is probably a big adjustment for her too as far as plugging into the marriage ... she probably has built somewhat of a wall to protect herself so it will not be easy for her to give herself to you and the marriage fully.

I'd be mad too if my husband disrespected me in front of others. That was uncalled for but you both have a lot of work to do to repair the past damage and it will take a lot of patience...especially on your part if she was fed up with you and the marriage when you were drinking. Stopping is great, but it won't magically fix your relationship.


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