# I need some advice



## Francesca3 (Jul 12, 2015)

I have been married for 25 years. We are both in our later 40's. We have three teenage children. Last summer I found out husband was involved in an affair with a coworker(25 years younger) and someone I have known for 5 years. The chaos began after the AP's boyfriend brought it to my attention that WH brought her on a weeklong ("business trip") to NYC. Of course I was told that it wasn't true and that both her BF and I were insane. The next several months were filled with more suspicious interactions always met by vehement denials to the point that he would get in my face and scream at me that I was the crazy one. I should add that he has a long history of being out late into the night with the explanation that he was at his office working. Finally, one night, around 11:30 pm I texted him and asked where he was. He said he couldn't talk because he was driving through a snowstorm. Around 30 seconds later he accidentally texted me an audio message of the AP bad mouthing me... they were at a restaurant having drinks! Needless to say, that was enough proof and he was out of the house within a week. We went through some marriage counseling and back in June (4 months later), we decided to work towards a reconciliation. It was going in a positive direction, for a few weeks, then the AP 's (now ex) boyfriend sent me some information proving they were still interacting. That brought all chances of a reconciliation to a screeching halt. He is currently telling me that corresponding with her at that time was only through the phone and that he still wants to try and reconcile. I was mentally all in to move forward with the reconciliation back in June but since he lied to me then about being in contact with her, I think all trust has been demolished. My main concern at this point is my kids. I wonder if they are better off under one roof with both parents until they all turn 18? Do I have an ethical responsibility to make that happen for them? After a year of lies and gas lighting I'm not sure I am able to move forward with my relationship with WH. This past year has been devastating. Any opinions on what the next step should be? Divorce? Legal separation to see if he does stop seeing OW? Another chance at reconciliation?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce ASAP.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your H is a pathetic waste of skin.

He is harmful, not caring about tossing his family away to treat a girl young enough to be his daughter like a cheap *****, not saying she isn't.

He is abusing his power at his job to fvck a young employee that he probably has authority over.

Take this idiot to the cleaners and destroy him.

Your children will be far better off with one honorable parent than with an absolute loser like him pretending to care about them and you while he molests young employees at his job.

Too bad his APs ex didn't kick his pathetic ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

First, I'm sorry you are here. It is my opinion that staying for the kids can sometimes do more harm then good. As a parent, and for you to consider this sacrifice for them, it's obvious you care for your children. Yes a divorce will bring the kids pain, but how much pain will they feel if you stay? How unhappy will you be? Will those actions resonate to the kids? Will your husband be happy? Will his actions resonate to the kids? Will your kids feel guilty you stayed for them? The list of questions just continues. 

You have caught your husband in an affair. Did he ever offer to quit his job? Did he go no contact? Why contact again, he is with her everyday at work. It's my belief this affair never ended. And what's worse is this was done after you have him the gift of reconciliation. I wouldn't give my WW a second gift of reconciliation, ever. 

Your husband isn't capable of marriage, or an adult relationship from what you have posted. Instead he expects he can intimidate people to get what he wants, cake. He got in your face and called you crazy, what did he say about that when the affair was confirmed? How many lies are you willing to listen too? My opinion is to file for divorce, do the 180 and get yourself away from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Francesca3 said:


> Any opinions on what the next step should be? Divorce? Legal separation to see if he does stop seeing OW? Another chance at reconciliation?


 My wife and I know know two different friends that filed for divorce when they caught their spouses cheating. Both cheaters said all the right things as they convinced each of them to give reconciliation a chance for the sake of the children. As it turned out whereas the two betrayed spouses had the upper hand financially when they first filed for divorce, the cheaters used reconciliation to get their ducks in order so that they could really stuck it to their cheated on spouses when they finally did divorce. And yes both cheaters had cheated again after first being caught.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Sorry you are here. 
File for D asap. Apparently he prefer young chick vs his family. So sad.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Sorry- he is not remorseful and you have been in a fake R.

Time to file for D.

Also, if you have not already done so, get tested for STDs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sadly it is time for an Idiotectomy. 

Cut him out of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You gave him a chance to R and he wasn't remorseful. He should have been doing everything possible to make things work and he didn't. That tells you all you need to know. 

Being separated gives him the best opportunity to continue seeing the OW while pretending to work on R with you because you won't have any idea what he's doing once he moves out. Don't make that mistake. 

That leaves divorce. Something none of us ever thought we would have to face. But when you are dealing with a cheater who is not remorseful that's the option you need to take.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As to your children -- they very likely won't take the news any easier when the last one is out of high school. In the meantime, they are observing your relationship. Parents may like to think the children can't tell things aren't good but the truth is they are usually very perceptive. 

I am not an advocate of staying for the children. My son has said he wishes I had gotten out decades ago after DD1 and not waited until late in life after DD2. I wish that too.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am a proponent for staying together for the sake of the children but only when there is sufficient benefit to the children to make it worth the sacrifice. In this instance I do not feel the children would benefit remaining in this environment. The father cares more for his A than his children and this will inevitably spill over into the way he treats and interacts with them. I do not see this as beneficial for them.

Additionally, it may do significant harm to them to later find out that while they thought father and mother were a happy family, father was carrying on his A all the while and mother was enduring it for the sake of keeping the family together. This may or may not cause them to think differently about you but it undoubtedly will drastically lower their opinion of their father and perhaps skew their perception of men and their roles as husbands and fathers. It may also give them a false sense of what women will put up with should they find some extramarital enticement of their own.

In this instance, with one false R already attempted, I do not feel pursuing this course of action to be prudent. However, the choice is yours to make and I wish you good fortune in whatever you decide.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So so sorry you are here Francesca, it is time to divorce your WH. He has not taken any of the chances he had for reconciliation and lied through his teeth. You have now to have to resolve to let him go. His A will most likely fizzle out as the OW will probably no longer want him after some time when he has to pay alimony and child support etc. He is probably still in his A fog, let him. You need to take swift action.

1. expose his to everyone including your family and friends (ask one or two trusted friends/family members for emotional support during this time)
2. Do the 180 on him
3. Get yourself a good lawyer
4 make sure you have copies of all the financial documentation of your household, insurance, tax returns, bank statements, property, etc if you are not handling the financials, make sure you find out everything now
5. go see a lawyer for an initial consultation and the next steps

When your WH sees you taking definitive action he will probably try and stall you, beg you etc. Be resolute because from what he has done so far he does not have you or your children's best interests at heart, he thinks that he can have his cake and eat it, show him otherwise. Remember children do not fare well in an unhappy marriage and particularly one where the mother is mistreated, you do not want your children growing up seeing that this is how a man treats a woman.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Francesca3 said:


> . I wonder if they are better off under one roof with both parents until they all turn 18? Do I have an ethical responsibility to make that happen for them?



Yes you have an ethical responsibility to do what is best for your children--to a point. That said, what makes you think that staying together is best? They see what is happening and you would be providing them an example of a dysfunctional marriage, abuse, lies, and cruelty and by that example you would be teaching them that this is how a relationship should be...to either be selfish and manipulative or an abuse to be suffered. Is that the future you want for your kids? 

The only way they will know what is right is if you stand for what is right. Clearly your husband is not going to.


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## Francesca3 (Jul 12, 2015)

I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. My rational brain understands that divorce should be the next step, but my emotional side is still coming to terms with disconnecting with someone whom I have been intimately involved with on so many levels for 27 years. We also own our business together which is the reason I have known the OW for 5 years. She and I had a friendly relationship and she has also watched my kids grow up. My husband and I were her bosses. All of this makes the situation so incredibly disgusting. She knew my kids and I very well and still went forward with the affair. 
Unravelling 27 years of history is going to be a daunting task!


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Oh I am so sorry you are here Francesca.
You need to be strong for your kids and for yourself.
You are in late 40s,best years and dont waste them on your husband.
He does not respect you at all,he is lying to you all the time and I dont call that love.

Trust me dont waste your time anymore,you tried and it does not work,so why bother anymore.
You live only once and try to make it worth.

Sorry for my English,it is not my first language.

Stay strong and grettings from EU


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Francesca3 said:


> I just wanted to thank everyone for their responses. My rational brain understands that divorce should be the next step, but my emotional side is still coming to terms with disconnecting with someone whom I have been intimately involved with on so many levels for 27 years. We also own our business together which is the reason I have known the OW for 5 years. She and I had a friendly relationship and she has also watched my kids grow up. My husband and I were her bosses. All of this makes the situation so incredibly disgusting. She knew my kids and I very well and still went forward with the affair.
> Unravelling 27 years of history is going to be a daunting task!


There's another poster here who found her husband cheating w/ one of their employees. I think it was @jelly_bean...?

Anyway, maybe check out her threads and give her a PM to get her input. I think she's currently waiting for the sale of their business to go through in order to file for divorce.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is why they have the saying once a cheater always a cheater. Get rid of this bum and find a decent man. Your kids will respect you for not disrespecting yourself and staying with such a male....even if they do call him dad


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