# Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?



## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.

Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.

It's normal, it's natural and you need to either accept it or else he's going to lie and resent you for not "allowing" it.

As far as "using porn to relieve an erection because he was really turned on by what you were wearing" let's just say he's rather creative.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Adiron said:


> His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.
> 
> Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.
> 
> It's normal, it's natural and you need to either accept it or else he's going to lie and resent you for not "allowing" it.


This quote is true, I personally never been a big user but still watch occasionally, I honestly don't know a single guy who doesn't watch porn from time to time. My STBXW and I also used to watch it together on occasions.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Adiron said:


> His reason isn't what's important. Its your unflexible rigidity and closemindedness regarding his porn use.
> 
> Guys look at porn and most of the guys who look at it are either flipping the pages or typing with one hand because the other one is occupied.
> 
> ...


...Or maybe your view is the one that is closed minded. She actually does not need to accept it. Some people have boundaries of no porn use. You have not been made judge of the world that your proclamation that porn use is "normal and natural" is actually true.


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

Livvie said:


> Some people have boundaries of no porn use.


Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.

Realistically she has only 2 options

1- Accept his porn use
2- End the relationship


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Thank you Livvie


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

According to some women on here, their husbands do not use porn. According to some men on here, they do not use porn. So there is a subset of the male population who simply are not entertained by porn and there is also a subset who agree not to use it because their partners find it hurtful.

I have zero issues with porn consumption. While me and my partner used it extensively during periods of absence, I don't think he's used it since I moved in except for the occasions where we view together to set the mood. I definitely have watched on my own in between. 

I think for people who do use porn, particularly men, it is difficult to understand why others find it hurtful. A big part of the reason why it is difficult for men to understand why their female counterparts react the way you do, is because they relate to sex/porn differently. The common complaints from women are that porn makes them very self conscious, they wonder if their partner is thinking of the women in porn while having sex with them and they feel like their partner must not find sex with them satisfying if he needs to look at porn. For most men, these assumptions are very far from the truth and they have little interest in/memory of the women, they see in porn videos. It's about the opportunity for a quick release, not some deeply gratifying sexual experience.

That being said, you'll need to have a serious conversation with your partner to clarify exactly why this is hurtful to you. He'll need to explicitly agree to stop (or not) viewing porn. Moving forward you'll need to establish this boundary and consequences for breaking it.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Adiron said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Some people have boundaries of no porn use.
> ...


Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn


You are equating flirting with a member of the opposite sex with masturbation to pornography? :surprise:

Seriously??

What are your other boundaries I can't help but wonder.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Adiron said:


> Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.
> 
> Realistically she has only 2 options
> 
> ...


Merely because you view porn as being fine, doesn't make it so. Some people have a problem with their spouse desiring to have sex with other people.

She has every right to "impose" her boundaries on the person she's in a relationship with. If the other person is not willing to respect her boundaries, then yes, she would need to end the relationship.


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## FORTIFIEDORANGE (Mar 27, 2017)

Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.

An idea that you could do, but has risks (hackers and all this crap these days) would be to make a video with him or send him nudes. Again, that might be out of your comfort zones. However for me personally, i only used porn as a way to visualize more, i almost always think about my wife when masturbating, i could be the one weird guy that is this way or it could be more normal than that. There is also a possibility that since you do have sex a lot he likes to have more of an adventure and look at something different. Everyone gets wandering eyes at times and as long as it stays within fantassy land and not acted upon it is ok. This is something we all have to cope with, some people are more likely to wander their eyes than others. 


Women read erotic novels, or erotic writing or just have creative minds and think of dirty things, men like to see stuff. I have a very vivid memory and i usually think of my wife. When she shuts me d own from sex because i am like a rabbit who needs it like twice a day, i sometimes get frustrated and watch porn because i am frustrated with my wife and can't th ink about her. This doesn't mean i dont love her or don't want to be with her.

I wouldn't really worry about it though, men use porn, women use vibrators, we all have our things we need.


As for getting rid of an erection, pretty sure that was just an excuse. Porn watching takes longer than just rubbing one out. If i am horny enough to have an erection i can't get rid of, then i can get off pretty easily. usually porn is used when i am horny but not horny enough so to speak. IT's more like a catalyst than a fuel.


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

BioFury said:


> She has every right to "impose" her boundaries on the person she's in a relationship with. If the other person is not willing to respect her boundaries, then yes, she would need to end the relationship.


Well then that's what she has to do, because he's clearly not respecting her imposed boundaries of no masturbating to pornography.

To a guy like him, it's no different then telling him he's got to stop breathing. 

This one's over.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lizzyb said:


> Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens again I will know and I can leave. He doesn't want to lose me so he is choosing not to indulge and when the mood strikes he will tell me and we will take care of it ourselves and not with porn



A few thoughts. First, as someone married for 46 years, marriage is about compromise. As David Schnarch (Passionate Marriage, the Crucible, etc.) points out marriage is the hardest thing two people can do if done correctly. The reason is that it is so hard is become two separate people have to become a single functioning societal family unit. One person is always maturing an growing at a different rate from the other. That makes for a constant emotional push and pull as their marriage matures.

The key to picking lines in the sand is how important is a particular issue to you? 

If you husband's porn use denies you the sex you need from him. If his porn use makes you feel like he is cheating on you. If his porn use is an affront to your ethics or morals, then this is something you need to explain to him is a really, really big deal to you.

However, don't expect him not to masturbate if that has been part of his adult life, unless it is causing him not to be able to sexually meet your needs.

Remember marriage is about compromise. 

One of the things I was taught was that I cannot change my spouse! Only my spouse can change themself. You really need to understand that. You can explain to your spouse how much this emotionally hurts you and any physical aspects of it that reduce your sex life (like he might not want sex as much). But after you have explained your desires, your position, your feelings, it is up to him to change or not change himself. 

If he changes his behavior you can give him positive reinforcement to him changing himself, but that is not you initiating his changes. Way different.

Finally, I would like to go back to David Schnarch and his thought on one of the keys to dealing with the emotional push pull that happens in marriage. He stresses that each partner in marriage needs to grow their own capability as "self soothing." That is when you become stressed or upset at something in your relationship, you need to find for yourself a coping mechanism that will reduce your level of being upset. If you can't self-soothe then you marriage will ultimately have real problems.

The other side of Schnarch's good marriage concept is self-differentiation, which is becoming true to yourself. It is about thoughtfully developing your own boundaries that you value. A good marriage is about two people who over the course of time push each others boundaries until they reach a compromise that they both can live with and be comfortable with.

You might want to get some of Schanrch's books, they are college graduate level heavy reading, but he has some great insights.

Good luck to you, pick your battles carefully.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > Boundaries are healthy and I was upfront with my boundaries as was he. He doesn't like me flirting so I don't because I love him and he is more important. It's his choice if he wants to accept my boundaries and make the changes or he will lose me and he knows this which is why he has given me all access to everything so if it happens
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate your response and the books seem helpful. I will look for them. I think it's pretty spot on


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

FORTIFIEDORANGE said:


> Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.
> 
> An idea that you could do, but has risks (hackers and all this crap these days) would be to make a video with him or send him nudes. Again, that might be out of your comfort zones. However for me personally, i only used porn as a way to visualize more, i almost always think about my wife when masturbating, i could be the one weird guy that is this way or it could be more normal than that. There is also a possibility that since you do have sex a lot he likes to have more of an adventure and look at something different. Everyone gets wandering eyes at times and as long as it stays within fantassy land and not acted upon it is ok. This is something we all have to cope with, some people are more likely to wander their eyes than others.
> 
> ...


I am very open to taking photos or videos and we have talked about that. That is one way we agreed if we were apart for a few nights that we could use that or even just phone sex


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> FORTIFIEDORANGE said:
> 
> 
> > Men need visual stimulation, also men have poor visual memory compared to many women, women have better visual memories on average. So this combination means men need something to look at.
> ...


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Adiron said:


> Which they have absolutely no right to impose on others.
> 
> Realistically she has only 2 options
> 
> ...


Yes and he has two choices as well.

1. Stop using porn
2. Have his girlfriend break up with him. 



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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@Lizzyb generally speaking men are creatures of habit. If your husband used porn when he was young, he likely enjoyed it AND hid any behavior associated with it from his parents (likely because they forbid any porn in the house). The prospects of getting "caught" with porn actually makes it way more exciting. 

So what has changed? Your husband still likes using porn and being extremely discrete about it. Meanwhile you may have not intended it this way, but by forbidding it in your relationship it recreates a scenario to where your husband remains a creature of habit based on his preexisting behaviors long before he met you.

So how do you change that? You have to take away any shame associated with porn. That is not the same as tolerating porn, but more about acknowledging that your partner is not perfect and that you still love and accept him despite his flaws. You seem to be very caring and nurturing towards his libido which is a wonderful thing, so continue encouraging him to embrace that aspect of your relationship as opposed to turning to porn.

The fact that your partner would "need" porn in order to masturbate is an area of concern! Yes porn will enhance masturbation, but he should be just fine without it. This does demonstrate that he needs some source of extra stimulation when you are not available or for what ever reason that he does not feel confident enough to ask you. Be very careful about taking nude photos or videos for him as technology is very complicated with regards to privacy, backups, and cloud storage these days. So if he needs a little "something" to enjoy during his moments alone, talk to him and try to see if there is something that he might enjoy other than porn. Perhaps you could buy him some "tenga eggs" and just tell him to enjoy thinking of you wanting him to be happy since you purchased them for him.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> Yes and he has two choices as well.
> 
> 1. Stop using porn
> 2. Have his girlfriend break up with him.


No, and this is where your argument completely fails.

He has a third choice, and he has taken it.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Adiron said:


> No, and this is where your argument completely fails.
> 
> He has a third choice, and he has taken it.


I'm sorry, what was this third choice? I missed it. 

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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Lots of wildly varying opinions on porn. 

Mine is that watching porn is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with one's sex life. Its not fine, if it does interfere. 

Some men use porn as a masturbation aid, sort of the way a woman might use a vibrator. For them it makes it quicker to get off - so it could be used to "take care of" an erection.


OP, only you know how important this is to you. I would suggest that you consider carefully how much it matters - this is the sort of thing that could blow up into a huge problem. If your sex life is good, and he is usually sexually available for you, does it matter if he turns to porn at times when you are not available for sex with him?

If you press the issue, he may hide it - causing future blow-ups when you find out. He may also feel that you are trying to control something that he considers private - the way you would feel if he ordered you to stop masturbating. 

Again if it matters enough, it is your choice, but its the sort of conflict that can destroy relationships. 

You both have choices, but one set of choices leads to the relationship ending. Is it really worth that?


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## Adiron (Mar 25, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I'm sorry, what was this third choice? I missed it.


He uses porn and lies about it.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Adiron said:


> He uses porn and lies about it.


Very stupid move on his part if he does this. This is what my Dh did and he has destroyed so many things in our marriage with his lies and has threatened our children happiness , broke my heart and has put a heavy strain on our marriage . With his need to watch porn, he not only destroyed my opinion of him, but he has risked our marriage and put our family on the line. 

How do I tell my kids their dad is selfish and did not care who was going to suffer the consequences of his lies, and actions because at the end of the day it's our kids that are going to pay. 

So no, I don't think lying is a Viable option.



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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Lots of wildly varying opinions on porn.
> 
> Mine is that watching porn is fine as long as it doesn't interfere with one's sex life. Its not fine, if it does interfere.
> 
> ...


I love your response! I never made him feel bad for masturbating which he greatly appreciated and said that he has never been able to open about it with anyone so it was very liberating for him. He said he isn't embarrassed now and that he feels being able to talk openly like this just brings us closer. He is willing to work with me throught this and just felt that he could not ask me to have sex before I left for the wedding reception. Knowing now that he can come to me when the urge arises he said he will definitely go that route now.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> Adiron said:
> 
> 
> > He uses porn and lies about it.
> ...


I'm so sorry this happened to you. I doc feel that all men are not equal. They don't all have the same behaviors or thoughts and they do not all think alike. If that were the case the same would apply to women, some like porn and sex toys, I do not, but I have friends that do. Some men are selfish and can't ever put anyone above themselves. Those are the ones that should stay single it's not fair to the women the women they get involved with or the children they father. I have known lots of men who when caught act like no big deal we just have to deal with it and then the ones who actually want to work through and actually agonize over it. They want to do what is right for the relationship. Hold out for a man like the latter


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Some? I think it may be a majority. Masturbating to porn has been blamed for the decline of sex millennials have compared to us old times who had no internet.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance




From the responses you've received so far, you can tell that there's a wide range of opinions when it comes to porn use. Here's a question to help gain another perspective. Are there any sexual activities that he's approached you with that you do not feel comfortable doing? Some examples could be role playing, anal sex, light BDSM, 3 way sex, etc. Has he asked for this more than once? I bring this up because it may indicate that he has a fetish or otherwise intense interest in a certain type of sexual activity. Please let me be clear that you should never do anything you don't feel comfortable doing, but if those needs/intense wants of his are not being fulfilled, he may be using porn on a limited basis to relieve his interests in those areas. The fact that he spends most of his sexual energy on you (where it belongs) shows that he has his head on straight about how often he turns to porn. If this is the case, my opinion is that the limited porn use is a good thing because he has found a way to relieve those few desires that you don't AND remain faithful in your relationship. Again, if this is the case, in his mind he has already compromised because instead of making you do something that you don't want to do, he turned to porn to meet those needs those few times. He'd rather have done those things with you (else he wouldn't have asked) but the needs were still there after being refused. Cutting him off completely will eventually lead to some sort of resentment on his part, which could negatively impact other areas of your relationship.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

You need to be OK with you NOT being OK with porn

You need to be realistic about his desires for looking at naked women

He needs to be OK with you NOT being OK with porn

He needs to be realistic and honest with you about his porn use

Worst thing either you can do is promise or demand. It will fail within a week or so. Just be realistic.

_Realistically_ many men will feel horny almost daily (sometimes several times a day). 

The good part about porn use is that it means your husband is a very sexual person. The alternative is a man who is not so bothered about sexy things and can take or leave the sight of a naked woman. That would be quite boring to me. So...have lots of sex, make it different and fun, try lots of new things, be sexual even when you are not having sex (i.e teasing him throughout the day). Chances are porn will become boring very quickly. If you are having rocking sex where he makes you feel like a sex goddess, then the odd sneaky porn session will be no big deal. I have this inkling that many women hate porn because they are being sexually neglected, or they don't feel sexy enough.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance
> ...


It's interesting that you bring this up because right before this incident happened I had asked him if your sex us too routine and if we need to experiment at all. His reply was absolutely no that he likes it being a routine and how he has no desire to incorporate anything else. When I say routine I mean it's very rourine every time and I was kinda wanting to switch it up a bit. He is open to me wanting to get out of our comfort zone but he himself has no ideas on how to do that. So I dot think he has a fetish or a fantasy to fulfill


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

He's going to occasionally use porn, and doesn't really think it's a problem. And for him, it isn't. No doubt he thinks your hard boundary is unrealistic, and you'll get over it. If you really are serious about it, then you really have no choice other than breaking up with him and hope to find someone who will not only agree with you, but honor your boundaries. He won't respect your limits, no matter what he says, because he thinks they're irrational. He doesn't see the need to break up with you over it because he can just ignore you on this issue. If it's an occasional thing and doesn't affect your sex life, then I agree with him even though I think he should just be honest about it. (That may be difficult for him given how he was indoctrinated in his views of sex.)


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Count me as one of the men on here who doesn't have a problem with occassional porn use. After 21 years of marriage, it comes in "handy" at times. Your attitude is wonderful! "If you need release just come find me and we'll take care of it!" That's great in the first few years of a relationship, but over time, real life takes over. There is work, there are kids, there are bills, and family, and (hopefully) hobbies. Men are very visual and porn is rarely about wanting to have sex with the person they look at. Heck, I don't EVER fantasize about being with any woman in porn. It's just a short-term visual stimulation. 

However, you need your boundaries and if this is one, then stick to it. Don't equate flirting with other guys to viewing porn though. One is interactive and can lead to more. The other is nothing more than a visual image on a screen. 

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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

I find it amazing in 2017 that women are still worried about their husbands using porn. Are there any threads where husbands are threatening divorce over erotic novels or vibrator use?

Haven't seen any.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

This is a tough one. 

I hardly ever look at porn. If my wife was available every few days, I don't think I would ever look at it. I have some pictures and videos of my wife that I look at quite frequently. They are much better than any porn I can look at!!!! 

My wife and I have looked at porn together, but not for many years. Neither of us have ever told the other person that they aren't allowed to look at porn.

To be honest, if my wife told me that I wasn't allowed to look at porn, I would want to more! It would be more difficult to not look at it. Because I don't feel it is a betrayal. It is just a naughty thing to do. I am not so sure that it is a wise thing for you to tell your husband he can't do this.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

I don't find anything wrong with the use of porn from time to time, I use it and my wife uses it. Sometimes it's not even so much for the visual but for the sound. Who knows, maybe he's putting it on, closing his eyes and imagining that the moans he's hearing are you. Personally for me, even with sex, I need some type of visual or audio stimulation or I get bored and go soft. I've even watched porn with my wife and basically acted things out along with it, it was great.


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

At my age having an erection is in itself a relief! As for porn use, I don't need to be reminded of my inadequacies. What passes for our sex life - or lack thereof - is reminder enough. If I need a visual aid to pressure test my plumbing I will just rely on laundering my wife's unmentionables.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Good Guy said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that women are still worried about their husbands using porn. Are there any threads where husbands are threatening divorce over erotic novels or vibrator use?
> 
> Haven't seen any.


I find it amazing in 2017 that men are still lying and sneaking around to masterbate to porn so their wife's don't know. It's still very much a dirty secret for men. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want me to tell his friends, co workers or family about his porn use.

If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit. Woman tend not to hide the fact that we read romance novels, and not all woman read them. I have even borrowed romance novels from coworkers, and my DH's mother. I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not. 

Most woman dont threaten divorce because of a little porn use, it's when it becomes an addiction that takes away from your sex life and brings lies and mistrust into the marriage that it becomes an issue.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Good Guy said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that women are still worried about their husbands using porn. Are there any threads where husbands are threatening divorce over erotic novels or vibrator use?
> 
> Haven't seen any.


Here you go.....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/27940-using-vibrator-cheating.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/26877-wife-her-vibrator.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/81545-can-your-wife-prefer-sex-toy-than-being-you.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/14217-vibrator-issue-would-counselling-help.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/12428-husband-hates-toys.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/17256-erotic-novel-addiction.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ing-romance-novels-i-need-advice-badly-8.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/94945-i-think-my-wife-addicted-erotic-books.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...watches-lesbian-porn-its-freaking-me-out.html

A lady once PMd me because her husband refused to let her buy or use a vibrator because he considered it a threat to their marriage. There was another thread that I cannot find where some guy was getting pissed off because his wife's vibrator kept moving positions in the drawer. He would rush home to check and put dud batteries in it to test her. 

The fear that our partners would replace us with trash is very common. Its just the media that differs.

Sexual insecurities are NOT gender specific.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that men are still lying and sneaking around to masterbate to porn so their wife's don't know. It's still very much a dirty secret for men. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want me to tell his friends, co workers or family about his porn use.
> 
> If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit. Woman tend not to hide the fact that we read romance novels, and not all woman read them. I have even borrowed romance novels from coworkers, and my DH's mother. I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not.
> 
> Most woman dont threaten divorce because of a little porn use, it's when it becomes an addiction that takes away from your sex life and brings lies and mistrust into the marriage that it becomes an issue.


I don't think it's so much that men sneak around and lie about masturbating, it is a touchy subject, no pun intended. There are times that guys just want or need to get off, and there are times that their wives or girlfriends just aren't in the mood, and the same can be said about women. Neither the man or the woman typically admit to the other that they do it, but they do, we all know it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some things are private. I think most women would not want the world to know how they use a dildo to masturbate. Its not that using a dildo is private, or that people don't know that many women do masturbate that way (millions of dildos are sold each year).

Most women don't hide reading romance novels, but I suspect few would be comfortable admitting that they masturbate to fantasies of the characters in them, even though I suspect many do. Again, its private.

For whatever reason, society has decided that sexual activity should be private and that it is in a different category from flirting, romance etc, even though those are lead-ins to sex.


I think most people agree that porn use that interferes with a couple's sex life is a huge problem. The big disagreement seems to be over whether porn use that doesn't interfere is OK. There are a significant number of people who are completely opposed to any porn. 






Daisy12 said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that men are still lying and sneaking around to masterbate to porn so their wife's don't know. It's still very much a dirty secret for men. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want me to tell his friends, co workers or family about his porn use.
> 
> If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit. Woman tend not to hide the fact that we read romance novels, and not all woman read them. I have even borrowed romance novels from coworkers, and my DH's mother. I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not.
> 
> Most woman dont threaten divorce because of a little porn use, it's when it becomes an addiction that takes away from your sex life and brings lies and mistrust into the marriage that it becomes an issue.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not.


Yeah and these are the same women who think that "50 Shades of Gray" isn't porn either.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

A lot of great responses and it does show how different we all are. I do think the main point is why can't we all be honest without being ashamed? If I am going to do something that I don't want my partner to know about then that's a major issue. I want to know my partner from the inside out otherwise I don't truly know him. Even if it's hurtful.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

I have never had a problem with insecurity sorry if I am using this as my sounding board but when thus happened in all honesty I feel a little insecure. I am a 41 old woman who has always dated younger guys and when I met this one who is older and he made me feel like I was one in a million and how he had such a horrible marriage and how he has never felt this intense about someonne in all ways it kinda hurt to think that if I am away for a few hours this is what he resorts to. He is insanely jealous and hates that I get attention every where I go so I have done my best to make him feel secure by not accepting the drinks that are bought for me when out and not talking to the men that approach me. I value his feelings and never want him to think that I can be full filled by anyone else in anyway. I feel it's his fault for placing me on a pedastal and then by doing this I just felt like he pulled a rug from under me


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I have never had a problem with insecurity sorry if I am using this as my sounding board but when thus happened in all honesty I feel a little insecure. I am a 41 old woman who has always dated younger guys and when I met this one who is older and he made me feel like I was one in a million and how he had such a horrible marriage and how he has never felt this intense about someonne in all ways it kinda hurt to think that if I am away for a few hours this is what he resorts to. He is insanely jealous and hates that I get attention every where I go so I have done my best to make him feel secure by not accepting the drinks that are bought for me when out and not talking to the men that approach me. I value his feelings and never want him to think that I can be full filled by anyone else in anyway. I feel it's his fault for placing me on a pedastal and then by doing this I just felt like he pulled a rug from under me


I don't think it's all his fault. After all you did say that you never say no to him, but when he asked you if you would take your nap naked with him you did refuse. I would take that as the same as refusing sex. Granted you may not do that often, but it's something that your H probably doesn't like as much as you don't like porn and he doesn't do that often either.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Daisy12 said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that men are still lying and sneaking around to masterbate to porn so their wife's don't know. It's still very much a dirty secret for men. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want me to tell his friends, co workers or family about his porn use.
> 
> If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit. Woman tend not to hide the fact that we read romance novels, and not all woman read them. I have even borrowed romance novels from coworkers, and my DH's mother. I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not.
> 
> Most woman dont threaten divorce because of a little porn use, it's when it becomes an addiction that takes away from your sex life and brings lies and mistrust into the marriage that it becomes an issue.


Well, it is an intimate detail of my own personal life, but if someone asked, I would probably not hide it. 

Do you leave your sex toys out for people to see? Do you casually mention to other people which vibrator is your favorite? 

I'm not "ashamed" of looking at porn, but I don't feel the need to announce to friends. 

This is certainly something that couples should discuss with each other. 

Sent from my LG-US996 using Tapatalk


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> It's interesting that you bring this up because right before this incident happened I had asked him if your sex us too routine and if we need to experiment at all. His reply was absolutely no that he likes it being a routine and how he has no desire to incorporate anything else. When I say routine I mean it's very rourine every time and I was kinda wanting to switch it up a bit. He is open to me wanting to get out of our comfort zone but he himself has no ideas on how to do that. So I dot think he has a fetish or a fantasy to fulfill



I'm wondering if the fact that he grew up in a strictly religious environment has limited his ability to discuss sex and his sexual needs beyond what is considered "normal" or "routine." It sounds like from this and other replies you made that he genuinely wants to please you and make you happy. However there is something that has drawn him to porn, even if it is a minor pull. I understand that this may be hard for you because of your opinion regarding porn, but is there a way to find out if there was a particular type of porn he watched previously? That might give you an idea of how to get him out of his sexual comfort zone without the need of porn in the future. Maybe if the topic of porn comes up between you two again, try asking him what the people were doing in the videos he watched, and then ask if he wants to try that with you (If his eyes suddenly light up in joy and anticipation, then I might be on to something here...). That might help experience something that interests him and curtail the need to watch others on video. If you do have this conversation with him, do NOT be judgmental about any answers he gives. If the religious upbringing is coming into play, having the conversation about something he knows you don't like (porn) will be hard enough for him. Being judged about what he says will shut him down and may lessen his trust in you. Remember, the purpose of this conversation is to gather information, not to curtail a behavior (at least not yet).


May I ask you, what is it about porn that you find distasteful? This question is not meant to attack your beliefs or morals. The purpose is to take a step back to determine why this particular activity is troubling in your relationship and to help find a solution that would make you both happy in the future. Sometimes determining "why" is every bit as important as the action itself when looking for a solution. 
(For example, if your reasoning is that you do not want him to see other women naked, maybe try introducing him to the Lifetime Movie Network after 10:00 PM. That's about as close to softcore porn as you can get on TV without seeing nudity. It adds a little spice and excitement, eliminates the particular aspect you do not care for, and may even be something you can enjoy together.)


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Daisy12 said:


> I find it amazing in 2017 that men are still lying and sneaking around to masterbate to porn so their wife's don't know. It's still very much a dirty secret for men. I'm pretty sure my husband wouldn't want me to tell his friends, co workers or family about his porn use.
> 
> If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit. Woman tend not to hide the fact that we read romance novels, and not all woman read them. I have even borrowed romance novels from coworkers, and my DH's mother. I don't know why men think that all romance novels are graphic porn, cause they are not.
> 
> Most woman dont threaten divorce because of a little porn use, it's when it becomes an addiction that takes away from your sex life and brings lies and mistrust into the marriage that it becomes an issue.



With respect to your beliefs, I don't know anyone in my generation (I'm 38 years old) that has to hide his porn usage. My wife knows I watch it. Friends know. Previous girlfriends have even pointed out things they've wanted to try after we've watched porn together. Many of my friends (male and female) openly watch. At the end of the day, it boils down to trust, respect, and understanding between two people. My wife knows that she cannot satisfy my sexual needs, so she has no problem with me having my fun "by myself". I think she even likes it when I go back to the bedroom with a few new ideas to try. If you turn porn into something shameful that needs to be hidden, then yes, people will hide their porn usage. Why would someone want to be judged for something they find to be completely normal just because someone else doesn't? However, if you view porn as an enhancement or a treat, then it can be just that. Sometimes it's the mindset, not the action, that is the determining factor.

I do agree with you though that porn usage should not diminish the sex life between the couple. If that begins to occur, then yes, there is a problem there...


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> If you have to hide it from the world there must be a part of you that is ashamed of your porn habit.


This is why I also post on Facebook so the whole world knows when I take a dump, too.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> Some? I think it may be a majority. Masturbating to porn has been blamed for the decline of sex millennials have compared to us old times who had no internet.


Their problem isn't that they masturbate to porn.

It's that they fap so much and so hard (no pun intended) that they can't stand up (they're sore) and they have issues seeing out their left eye (now that's some heavy cold cranking going on there).


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## Randy2 (Jul 19, 2016)

Do some men use porn to relieve an erection?
Some men use porn to relive an erection.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think one disconnect is in how people view porn. I can't speak for everyone, but for many, the person in the porn scene has no more "meaning" than a vibrator would. If a woman uses a vibrator she isn't thinking of the vibrator as a substitute for her partner. Its just a thing that helps her get off. I think that for many, the person on the screen is just a sex aid to help get off.






Lizzyb said:


> I have never had a problem with insecurity sorry if I am using this as my sounding board but when thus happened in all honesty I feel a little insecure. I am a 41 old woman who has always dated younger guys and when I met this one who is older and he made me feel like I was one in a million and how he had such a horrible marriage and how he has never felt this intense about someonne in all ways it kinda hurt to think that if I am away for a few hours this is what he resorts to. He is insanely jealous and hates that I get attention every where I go so I have done my best to make him feel secure by not accepting the drinks that are bought for me when out and not talking to the men that approach me. I value his feelings and never want him to think that I can be full filled by anyone else in anyway. I feel it's his fault for placing me on a pedastal and then by doing this I just felt like he pulled a rug from under me


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

There is no doubt the fact your husband agreed to abide by your wishes and then did not do so is hurtful. It really doesn't even matter what it was about. Porn or stamp collecting, perhaps flossing his teeth after 7PM. No one should tell you your concern is trivial. Certainly the fact your husband lied to you is really the heart of the matter, and what hurts.

People do often lie. Even to those they love the most. Perhaps they feel compelled to lie to those they love the most. How often have we seen it written that it's easier to talk about "this" on a chat board than with people someone knows? "This" can be anything. It's just easier to talk to others, or flipped 'round it's harder to be truthful with those we know. Especially with those we know best.

I congratulate you on doing a good job at being able to be truthful, yourself. But it's extremely hard to do for most people.

Hopefully you can find a way to a solution which works for you two to find happiness. 

It's a tough situation. You definitely have every right to want what you want. Especially, you deserve the truth. Most of all though, you deserve happiness.

Be well


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Edo Edo said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > It's interesting that you bring this up because right before this incident happened I had asked him if your sex us too routine and if we need to experiment at all. His reply was absolutely no that he likes it being a routine and how he has no desire to incorporate anything else. When I say routine I mean it's very rourine every time and I was kinda wanting to switch it up a bit. He is open to me wanting to get out of our comfort zone but he himself has no ideas on how to do that. So I dot think he has a fetish or a fantasy to fulfill
> ...


We have been having lots of open discussions on this and he is grateful for the open dialogue. He is sharing what he has never been able to share before and yes it's due to his religious upbringing. He is enjoying being able to share with me. His response to his viewing was that there was never anything in particular just sometimes it was a video and others it was just a photo. Mostly it just had to be of the sex act itself nothing out of the ordinary and no fetishes. He had to resort to masturbation in his marriage since he was always turned down. He said it became a habit and didn't want to ask me and just assumed the habit since he did that in his previous marriage. He didn't know that I would be willing anytime. I said that I was open to anything he desired and he said he only desires me to initiate more. I told him I just want to me the one to sexually satisfy him and he said if he knew he could go to me or ask for photos then he would not have resorted to porn. I don't want him to desire anyone else in that way I just want to be his only desire. Of course it's normal to notice attractiveness but I don't think it should go beyond that. He said he only used it as a tool and never thinks about porn except when he has no other means of release


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> We have been having lots of open discussions on this and he is grateful for the open dialogue. He is sharing what he has never been able to share before and yes it's due to his religious upbringing. He is enjoying being able to share with me. His response to his viewing was that there was never anything in particular just sometimes it was a video and others it was just a photo. Mostly it just had to be of the sex act itself nothing out of the ordinary and no fetishes. He had to resort to masturbation in his marriage since he was always turned down. He said it became a habit and didn't want to ask me and just assumed the habit since he did that in his previous marriage. He didn't know that I would be willing anytime. I said that I was open to anything he desired and he said he only desires me to initiate more. I told him I just want to me the one to sexually satisfy him and he said if he knew he could go to me or ask for photos then he would not have resorted to porn. I don't want him to desire anyone else in that way I just want to be his only desire. Of course it's normal to notice attractiveness but I don't think it should go beyond that. He said he only used it as a tool and never thinks about porn except when he has no other means of release



Well, it sounds like you guys are in a good place then. Keep the open communication going. Congrats and good luck...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lizzyb said:


> I have never had a problem with insecurity sorry if I am using this as my sounding board but when thus happened in all honesty I feel a little insecure. I am a 41 old woman who has always dated younger guys and when I met this one who is older and he made me feel like I was one in a million and how he had such a horrible marriage and how he has never felt this intense about someonne in all ways it kinda hurt to think that if I am away for a few hours this is what he resorts to. He is insanely jealous and hates that I get attention every where I go so I have done my best to make him feel secure by not accepting the drinks that are bought for me when out and not talking to the men that approach me. I value his feelings and never want him to think that I can be full filled by anyone else in anyway. I feel it's his fault for placing me on a pedastal and then by doing this I just felt like he pulled a rug from under me


I just want to say, and this is not a knock on you, but not accepting drinks from men and/or engaging men in conversation who are trying to pick you up is something you shouldn't be doing, anyway. It's not a concession you make to the marriage, nor something your husband should be happy you don't do. It's simply part of marriage (or any relationship, really), and is an expectation, not something one "gives up" because of their partner.

I think we've established that you don't necessarily have a problem with porn, per se (none of your wording implies a disdain for the medium, I don't think). You have a problem with _your partner_ watching porn. And that's okay, and quite normal.

My wife doesn't watch porn, and I'm not entirely certain how I'd take it if she did. I suppose it would depend a lot on what she's watching, as well as when. If she has a thing for normal, average couples having normal, average sex, I'd probably be fine with it. If she watched nothing but ripped men with huge elephant penises, then I don't know. She'd obviously be in to something that I can't provide her, and I'd feel inadequate.

And feeling inadequate is, more often than not, the sole reason one partner doesn't want the other to watch porn.

However, the comparisons to sex toys and romance novels has been brought up, and I don't disagree. I don't think they're as 'apples and oranges' as one would like to think. Like many women, my wife has sex toys. They don't often get used, if at all by herself, but I digress... I'm totally okay with them, and more than okay if she wants to use them on her own - provided they do not interfere with our sex life in any way. They did, with my ex wife, and that SUCKS.

In any case, my wife has vibrators only. She's not into penetrative sex toys, like dildos. If she was, it would be like the hypothetical porn use - whether I'd be 'okay' with them would entirely depend on the dildos she used. If she owned nothing but realistic, veiny, enormous dildos, I'm not sure I'd be thrilled about that. It would make me feel inadequate, obviously. If she used 'normal' sized, that didn't look like real penises, that would be different.

As far as vibrators go, I'm fine with them, personally. I can't do what a vibrator does - but nobody else can, either. I could choose to feel inadequate (some do, I imagine) or I can recognize that no human being on earth can replicate what a vibrator does. Besides, there are sex toys for men out there, and they do things your partner simply can't.

Anyway, I think your displeasure at your husband's occasional porn use is rooted in feeling inadequate. Again, that's okay, and normal. However, it does not seem to affect your sex life, or his desire for you in any way. Silver lining. You haven't mentioned that what he watches fits any sort of pattern (ie. things you won't do, body types you don't have, etc.) Silver lining.

I personally think that, in cases like this, there needs to be compromise - provided the person who is against porn isn't vehemently against it for moral or religious reasons. If the main focus is on that person feeling inadequate, then some discussion should be had, IMO, and there's room to move in either direction.

What you need is to feel reassured that you're not actually being replaced. You already know you're not being _physically_ replaced, so that's a start (though some would argue that vibrator/dildo usage is a physical replacement).

In one example you gave, you turned him down for sex, and he proceeded to take care of business after you left for the evening. He clearly wanted to have sex with you, as opposed to masturbating to porn. The other examples you've given have pointed to this, too - you're unavailable, he took care of his needs. So is it reasonable, or unreasonable, to expect him to 'save himself' for when you're available? A little bit of both, if you ask me, but in the case of you turning him down for sex, then going out to a friend's wedding (in which you said you'd be staying out late, because you "like to party") then that's not reasonable, IMO. He'd have to wait til 3 in the morning, or the next day.

If you can't help but feel inadequate due to the fact that he's watching other women/people have sex, you have every right to do so. But I think you owe it to yourself to attempt to not feel inadequate. As most men will tell you, they'd much rather have sex with their wives than jack off to porn. Not always the case, of course, some will become addicted, but they have mental issues that preclude them from these other, more normal scenarios. If you have no indication of an addiction taking root - and you'd know, I think - then I'd let it be, TBH.

*ETA - if my wife were against me watching porn for the same reasons you do, I'd propose that we make our own, and I can use that. And I would. I'm not a habitual or regular porn user, once or twice a month, if that. I don't have an addiction, or any particular proclivity to it, I'm just a dude. Visual simulation is part of my psyche.


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## Good Guy (Apr 26, 2016)

alexm said:


> I just want to say, and this is not a knock on you, but not accepting drinks from men and/or engaging men in conversation who are trying to pick you up is something you shouldn't be doing, anyway. It's not a concession you make to the marriage, nor something your husband should be happy you don't do. It's simply part of marriage (or any relationship, really), and is an expectation, not something one "gives up" because of their partner.


I've always thought openly flirting is an announcement to the world that you don't respect your spouse and are available for sex with other men (or women). That's certainly what I think when other men's wives do it to me.

When I say openly flirting, what I mean is for example recently a woman was sitting beside me in a bar with her partner present and she was literally squashed up against me and then said that her partner wasn't "the one". It was bloody embarrassing. Having a laugh is a different story.

If I somehow found out one of my friends wives (or my own) likes watching porn, so what?

Porn, or masturbation, or reading erotic or romance novels and imagining yourself in those scenarios (in the case of romance novels) on the other hand is something you do privately and is ultimately not disrespecting your partner.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I love the above post by @alexm. I think the core issue of inadequacy is a big part of people working through porn issues. And many other issues about trying to control their partner's sexuality. Masturbating. Toys. Several things all tied in to feeling inadequate.

And I like the idea that if you are opposed to your spouse watching other people having sex, then make a video of the two of you for your partner to watch when you are not available.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Good Guy said:


> I've always thought openly flirting is an announcement to the world that you don't respect your spouse and are available for sex with other men (or women). That's certainly what I think when other men's wives do it to me.
> 
> *Exactly. And it's not something we don't do in a marriage and are proud of it, or expect our partners to be thankful. This part of OP's post was concerning to me. Like not flirting is for the sake of her husband and should be lauded, and he should be happy about that. Like it takes some kind of control to not do this. Anyway.*
> 
> ...


Ah, but it is, if the person who is against it views it that way. It's not black and white, and it's all about one's own perception, and ultimately opinion. Telling the OP she _shouldn't_ feel this way is wrong, IMO. She's absolutely allowed to, even if she doesn't have a specific reason she can verbalize.

But suggesting to the OP that she has the ability to view this from another perspective is another thing. I believe she can, if she chooses to. As I said, this seems to be about her feeling inadequate, and replaced - even though it's only occurring when she's not available and/or has turned her husband down.

But it's a slippery slope. She has no problem with masturbation - probably does it herself. She has a problem with the visual stimulation he's getting while doing so. He's watching other people who are not his wife, naked, having sex/masturbating/whatever. I GET that. I don't particularly enjoy imagining my wife masturbating to some ripped dude's 9" monster penis, either. It makes me feel inadequate. Therefore, it's about me. And this is where OP (and really anybody) can change their train of thought, especially when it comes to this subject. Like I said, if she hypothetically watched porn and it was 'normal', average, everyday couples having sex, I wouldn't feel inadequate or replaced (unless she was turning me down sexually, then doing this, of course).

But when she masturbates, what does she think of? My ex wife asked me this loaded question many years ago. It's the "do I look fat in this?" of sex questions. Tell her what she wants to hear, she won't believe you. Tell her the truth, she's furious. Aaaargh.

But if OP, or any other man or woman here, only ever thinks of their spouse while they masturbate, they're almost certainly lying.

Furthermore, and I may be in the minority here, I genuinely don't know - but when I do watch porn, I don't actually imagine myself with that person. Maybe some do, I don't know. There's a disconnect. I'm visually stimulated by the act I'm watching, not actually visualizing myself having sex with that person. However, when I masturbate using my imagination, I DO visualize things, and they most often - but not always - involve my wife. So the irony is that I'm more likely to let my mind wander to something/somebody other than my wife when I'm NOT watching porn.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't think its so simple. There are some promises that should never be requested. 

My wife masturbates - I know because sometimes the sex toys move from where I left them for easy reach. I once asked in the hope of learning more about what she physically enjoys. She said that she didn't. OK, I know she was lying but I don't care - she wasn't lying to hurt me but just because she finds masturbation to be embarrassing. 

I could tell her that I don't want her to ever masturbate because she should have sex more often with me. She might even promise to do so because she has already claimed that she doesn't anyway. But that would be an unfair request and a promise that she would either break or regret. I have no right to control my spouse's private sexuality. 








WilliamM said:


> There is no doubt the fact your husband agreed to abide by your wishes and then did not do so is hurtful. It really doesn't even matter what it was about. Porn or stamp collecting, perhaps flossing his teeth after 7PM. No one should tell you your concern is trivial. Certainly the fact your husband lied to you is really the heart of the matter, and what hurts.
> 
> People do often lie. Even to those they love the most. Perhaps they feel compelled to lie to those they love the most. How often have we seen it written that it's easier to talk about "this" on a chat board than with people someone knows? "This" can be anything. It's just easier to talk to others, or flipped 'round it's harder to be truthful with those we know. Especially with those we know best.
> 
> ...


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

alexm said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I have never had a problem with insecurity sorry if I am using this as my sounding board but when thus happened in all honesty I feel a little insecure. I am a 41 old woman who has always dated younger guys and when I met this one who is older and he made me feel like I was one in a million and how he had such a horrible marriage and how he has never felt this intense about someonne in all ways it kinda hurt to think that if I am away for a few hours this is what he resorts to. He is insanely jealous and hates that I get attention every where I go so I have done my best to make him feel secure by not accepting the drinks that are bought for me when out and not talking to the men that approach me. I value his feelings and never want him to think that I can be full filled by anyone else in anyway. I feel it's his fault for placing me on a pedastal and then by doing this I just felt like he pulled a rug from under me
> ...


@alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up. 

You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big ****s, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back. 

When I presented us making a video he said no that if he were to see himself he would be tyrned off thinking he looks like a whale next to me. He isn't fat just could lose a few pounds but he is insecure 

I really appreciate your thought out response and it's helping my thought process. I do hope to maybe get more advice from you. Thank you


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Holdingontoit said:


> I love the above post by @alexm. I think the core issue of inadequacy is a big part of people working through porn issues. And many other issues about trying to control their partner's sexuality. Masturbating. Toys. Several things all tied in to feeling inadequate.
> 
> And I like the idea that if you are opposed to your spouse watching other people having sex, then make a video of the two of you for your partner to watch when you are not available.


I think there is a good deal of truth to your first paragraph.

As for the video - good idea! The trick would be - if my wife would even consent to making a video - would be finding another woman for the FMF threesome I'd like to watch! If your tastes are very mainstream vanilla, a video could work, but if you like to watch things that you wouldn't normally do, then a video with your spouse might not. Besides, I think it would get old after a few viewings, whereas with porn there is infinite variety, at least. My ex and I made a video - I think we watched it once or twice together and separately, then got totally bored with it and deleted it. <yawn>


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

alexm said:


> Good Guy said:
> 
> 
> > I've always thought openly flirting is an announcement to the world that you don't respect your spouse and are available for sex with other men (or women). That's certainly what I think when other men's wives do it to me.
> ...


Your last paragraph, that's exactly how he described it. He said he is not thinking about the people or imagining he is with them it's just an aid a visual aid. The act itself is what is enticing but they have to be at least attractive and in some instances he said it could be sex with privates covered or faceless people even it just depends. It's so weird to me since when I masturbate I only focus on the feeling and I use no toys I don't require any help I just need my own touch.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

When I watch porn it is just visual stimulation / fantasy. Not only don't I want to actually have sex with the people on the screen, often I don't even want to engage in the actions shown on the screen. I like hard bdsm bondage and rape fantasy porn. But last time my wife and I had sex I accidentally slipped and landed on her knee, hurting it. I felt terrible, and it basically ended things for the evening. I like the *fantasy* of whips and chains and such, but don't want to actually ever hurt someone in real life. (nor would I enjoy that type of porn if I didn't know that it was play acting or being done by people who do enjoy this sort of thing).

I may have a *fantasy* of being used as a sex slave of the Icelandic women's beach volleyball team but that doesn't mean I want it to happen. 

Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not. 



There are a number of straight women who have described enjoying lesbian porn. They don't want to have sex with another woman, they just enjoy watching it. 

I'd think of it like watching movies. I don't want to be an assassin, secret agent, rock star, etc. I really don't even if I could. 








Lizzyb said:


> @alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up.
> 
> You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big ****s, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

A suggestion, then - find some porn you're okay with, or otherwise doesn't make you feel inadequate. Watch it, and then watch it with him. There is plenty of porn that is "for" women. Whether that means they're more female-centric, or the focus is on the woman being pleasured, or there's more 'romance', or they simply have more normal, average looking people in them - whatever.

I'm not exactly a porn historian, but I think sometime in the 70's is when filmed sex acts started to become more about dudes with huge cocks, women with fake breasts, etc.

You don't seem to have an issue with porn itself, so that's a good start. Unfortunately, a high percentage of porn available is designed for men. If you dig a little, there's likely some stuff out there that may actually appeal to you. You may be surprised to learn that your husband can just as easily get off to that stuff (with or without you) then anything else he may be used to watching.

And conversely, think about what you would search for and get off to, if you were the one who occasionally watched porn. Legitimate exercise. Many women have a thing for men with ripped muscles, swimmer's bodies, or are tall. That doesn't mean those are requirements in a sex partner or husband, but if you were to watch porn by yourself, it's highly likely that that's what would get you off. It's this societal 'ideal' that both genders have. Sexy women look like this, sexy men look like that. The vast majority of us look nothing like that, but we're able to see people like this whenever we want, theoretically. I imagine you'd do the same, if you were to have an interest or desire in watching porn.

Interesting that you've offered to make your own porn with your husband and he declined. He's obviously missing out, IMO, but hey, different strokes. If he's concerned about watching his own body like that, that's his prerogative. I wouldn't exactly want to watch my average 40-year-old naked body, either! But I sure as hell would want to watch myself screw the hell out of my wife 




Lizzyb said:


> @alexm I'm learning that some men need visual stimulation where some can use imagination. When I asked him he said if he used his imagination it would have taken longer and he just wanted to hurry up.
> 
> You hit the nail on the head that's how I am feeling, inadequate and its a horrible feeling. I'm not sure if I were to see exactly what he saw if that would make me feel better. I know what he searched for and he only had image searches he didn't say he went to a particular website and according to the history it on my shows Google Image search for bang bros and goo girls. So not really sure what he his actual target was. I asked him to show me but he does not want me to have that image in my head. The other time I found it his searches were a little concerning but we never talked about it, I just told him I knew and he said it wouldn't happen again and that was it. That was 5 months ago and the search was for big ****s, big cocks and big tits. Not sure what to make of all the keywords. I am not big chested just a full B so that was a little insulting. His ex wife was though. But he left her so it isn't like he wants her back.
> 
> ...


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Tergis said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > Your last paragraph, that's exactly how he described it. He said he is not thinking about the people or imagining he is with them it's just an aid a visual aid. The act itself is what is enticing but they have to be at least attractive and in some instances he said it could be sex with privates covered or faceless people even
> ...


I think I do believe him just because this was a habit in his previous marriage of 22 years and I understand habits and how you just go back to what you have always done without thinking. I also think that what may be a turn on today might not be the next. This last time he did it he needed nudity. Maybe at one time he didn't maybe it was just a sexy scene where the clothes weren't off yet. I think it is just the mood of the moment.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

alexm said:


> A suggestion, then - find some porn you're okay with, or otherwise doesn't make you feel inadequate. Watch it, and then watch it with him. There is plenty of porn that is "for" women. Whether that means they're more female-centric, or the focus is on the woman being pleasured, or there's more 'romance', or they simply have more normal, average looking people in them - whatever.
> 
> I'm not exactly a porn historian, but I think sometime in the 70's is when filmed sex acts started to become more about dudes with huge cocks, women with fake breasts, etc.
> 
> ...


I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left. 

I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Lizzyb said:


> I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.
> 
> I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.


Oh, darn, you an addict now, haha. Now your husband will be starting a new thread, my wife is addicted to porn, please help. 😝


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.
> 
> I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.


This is pretty much how I was able to get over the porn thing. 

I watched a lot of porn, looked at a lot of categories particularly the things my husband liked until I saw if for what it was. Something I noticed fairly quickly was that most of the women either looked ordinary (not that much different to me) or they looked very OTT and fake (almost comedy porn women). There were a few that were seriously stunning, but most just ordinary. There were women of all different shapes, sizes and ages. Some of the porn was naff, a lot of it was boring, a lot of it was exaggerated and silly - really hard to take it seriously. Some of it was more sensuous and very erotic, tastefully filmed, almost artistic, gentle not predatory....and then I got it! I understood its attraction. Once I understand it, it stopped being threatening - it was never actually about me or my inadequacies, but about enjoying erotic images and what one person sees as arousing another silly, boring or weird. :smile2: 

I needed to experience it to understand it.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

OP, I too once felt the way you do about porn. My STBXH wasn't addicted to it, that I am aware of, but we did watch it together occasionally. It took a lot of persuasion on his part, and I think the reason being is because he was very pushy about sexuality. He was always trying to get me to be "comfortable" with things I was not comfortable with. Examples would be threesomes, swinging, me doing sexual favors for strange men while he watched, etc.. (and this is why he's my STBXH). My point here is this. You mentioned that you have recently tested the waters just a bit with porn, and found you enjoyed what you see. I am one of those women who enjoy lesbian porn, but I DO NOT want to have sex with a woman. Find what you like and stick with it. It may be that your husband will enjoy what you enjoy as well, and sometime in the future you can share it with each other. 

I am in a new, long distance relationship with a wonderful man, who is much older than myself. We have not yet watched porn together, but we are very open and honest about our sexual needs and wants. He knows I like lesbian porn and I know what he likes. We share many photos and videos of each other via text, due mostly in part to the LDR. He asked to have more photos/videos of me because he loves me and wants to look at me while he pleases himself. This was a huge confidence boost for me, as I've struggled with confidence issues off and on for a long time. He doesn't want anyone but me and has made that blatantly obvious. He has told me he prefers to watch me to "rub one out" than porn. I love that. But, neither of us are opposed to porn. I used to dislike the idea of my ex watching porn, and for a long time refused to watch it with him. He never made me feel comfortable with my sexuality. My new man, he is the total opposite, and he boosts my confidence ten-fold. I have never felt more comfortable with a man than I do with him. It's funny, all it takes is being with the right partner. The one who listens, cares and respects you. It seems you do have this type of relationship with your husband, and I think this issue of porn is just a minor setback. A speed bump if you will. There are plenty of ways you can compromise to make this work for both of you. Just put in the effort and the rest will be smooth sailing.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is awesome - I really mean it. You wanted to find out so you looked with an open mind. There are not a lot of people who are willing to challenge their own preconceived notions. 

Whatever you end up think about this in the end, I think you did the right thing by trying to learn more. 







Lizzyb said:


> snip
> However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him. It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Depending on how you feel about it, you might try a bit of sexual play that way. Be sure that its all things you are completely OK with. He might not be able to bring himself to act that way, but its also possible that if he knows you are willingly playing along, it might be fun.

At the same time he really needs to be willing to work very hard at what you want in bed. You sound like a really good person and like you treat him well. You deserve the same in return.




Lizzyb said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > Your husbands searches imply that he is into the fantasy aggressive male-dominant sex. That doesn't mean he *wants* do do those things, is just a fantasy. You might enjoy playing to those fantasies, you may not
> ...


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Depending on how you feel about it, you might try a bit of sexual play that way. Be sure that its all things you are completely OK with. He might not be able to bring himself to act that way, but its also possible that if he knows you are willingly playing along, it might be fun.
> 
> At the same time he really needs to be willing to work very hard at what you want in bed. You sound like a really good person and like you treat him well. You deserve the same in return.
> 
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lizzyb said:


> I asked him if he wanted to watch some with me and he said no that if I am here he has no need for it. He never uses it to get turned on he said with me he uses it when he is turned on already and we can't have sex, such as the time people were in the house and then this last time when I left.
> 
> I have never felt a desire for porn and of course I just want to be enough for my man. However I did an experiment and took your advice and watched female friendly porn something that wasn't too distasteful for me let's just say solo male videos and I can see how they can have an impact on the libido. The man has to be attractive to me I didn't just pick whatever was first and when watching it I didn't desire the man. What was a turn on was just seeing the man pleasuring himself I guess. Just the act which I guess I can see that's how some men view it. *I never once thought oh that man is so hot and I want to have him.* It was a sensual feeling I guess and no thoughts in my head were about him or anyone for that matter it was just purely an excited feeling.


Good stuff!

This is how I view porn, when I watch it, and I think most other people, too. Yes, there has to be a certain attractiveness in the person/people involved. But it's the visuals of it all, not the actual person/people one gets excited about. And as I said before, it needs to be 'real' for me to enjoy it. The hottest woman on the planet could be in it, but if she's clearly acting/faking - meh.

The bolded part above is how most others view it, too. It's fantasy, through and through. There's no emotional connection or interest.

Real question - did the man (or men, I suppose) in the videos you watched look anything like your husband, in terms of body type, penis size, etc? I'm going to guess that no, they did not - but that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not attracted to your husband, correct?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lizzyb said:


> I would be open to trying something different. I definitely *stepped out of my comfort zone* by watching porn today *but I am a firm believer in seeing for yourself*. Do I want him watching it? That answer is still a firm no lol but at least I can see that it's possible he is being honest and it's not anything he turns to often and for the reasons he said. I find a bit of comfort in that


The world needs more partners who are willing to do this type of thing. Your husband is a lucky man, honestly.

The next step is to reach some sort of compromise, or at least an understanding.

It's unlikely he'll never not watch porn ever again (though it's possible, I suppose!). But at the same time, he's also not helping you out that much by refusing to watch it with you or to make your own videos.

Suggestion - film yourself, and give it to him. Or as far as filming actual sex with him, he can hold the camera, so the rest of his body isn't in it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

did you tell him you checked out some porn?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

"use porn to relieve an erection"?

Is this a trick question? THAT is exactly what porn is for...to relieve and erection. lol


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Real question - did the man (or men, I suppose) in the videos you watched look anything like your husband, in terms of body type, penis size, etc? I'm going to guess that no, they did not - but that's okay. It doesn't mean you're not attracted to your husband, correct?[/QUOTE]

No they didn't look like him and still find him to be the sexist which has grown through our time together. No one can compare. That's something he can't seem to understand. I wasn't attracted to him at first not the way I am now


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

alexm said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I would be open to trying something different. I definitely *stepped out of my comfort zone* by watching porn today *but I am a firm believer in seeing for yourself*. Do I want him watching it? That answer is still a firm no lol but at least I can see that it's possible he is being honest and it's not anything he turns to often and for the reasons he said. I find a bit of comfort in that
> ...


He said photos would be an option but for now he wants to give me all his sexual energy. He said if there is a time when I am going to be gone we can come up with options that will be best for both of us. I may try filming myself just to surprise him


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Talker67 said:


> "use porn to relieve an erection"?
> 
> Is this a trick question? THAT is exactly what porn is for...to relieve and erection. lol


Lol well I thought some men used it to achieve an erection or because they are bored. Or as a hobby so to speak. I guess if it is used once in 5 months for 10 minutes then maybe it is just a rare horny occurrence where I am not there to relieve it for him


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> did you tell him you checked out some porn?


No but I plan to. We have agreed to complete openness, where we know eacother from the inside out otherwise do you really know the person? Right now he has been asking me a lot of questions and feels really hurt that I find other men attractive. He says my eyes scan the bar and sometimes linger. I don't realize I do that and told him to point it out when I do. He really is my only desire and while I find men attractive that's as far as it goes. Just a fleeting thought that he is nice looking and my single friends should be here type of thought. So when he hears I wanted naked men it's going to hurt him. I am waiting for this weekend for the right time after I have built him up


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> chillymorn69 said:
> 
> 
> > did you tell him you checked out some porn?
> ...


Oops my previous post should read watched not wanted lol


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> He says my eyes scan the bar and sometimes linger. I don't realize I do that and told him to point it out when I do. He really is my only desire and while I find men attractive that's as far as it goes. Just a fleeting thought that he is nice looking and my single friends should be here type of thought. So when he hears I wanted naked men it's going to hurt him. I am waiting for this weekend for the right time after I have built him up


So you check out guys in bars (and certainly other places), you want naked men other than your husband (even though you say you won't act on it) and yet you forbid him from viewing pornography while masturbating.

Yeah that's fair.

I give your marriage 5 years tops.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

stixx said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > He says my eyes scan the bar and sometimes linger. I don't realize I do that and told him to point it out when I do. He really is my only desire and while I find men attractive that's as far as it goes. Just a fleeting thought that he is nice looking and my single friends should be here type of thought. So when he hears I wanted naked men it's going to hurt him. I am waiting for this weekend for the right time after I have built him up
> ...


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lizzyb said:


> So I was already turned on by my man and then when u watched it heightened my arousal just the physical act not the person and due to my already sexual state of mind


Right, so this is pretty much exactly what he's doing 

Did you act upon your excitement at that time, or did you wait for him?

So, two things - you've followed the advice and checked some out on your own, and yes, you became aroused (and were already aroused). So now you understand where your husband is coming from.

You also recognize that he may not be thrilled to know that you watched some buff dude masturbating, and consequently became aroused from this. ie. he may have the same feelings you do to his occasional porn watching. BUT, you understand where he's coming from that it's not actually the person in the video - it's the act. It's a sexual act, and that's arousing to most people, including you.

Therefore, he will either understand where you're coming from and possibly quit OR you will understand where he's coming from and start to occasionally watch porn, or at least be 'okay' with it.

I suppose it has a lot to do with how he reacts when you let him know that you had a little experiment.

It sounds as though your experiment with porn would be a take it or leave it mentality. You don't seem put off by what you watched, and were aroused by it. You now have something different to do on your own, should you decide you don't want to use your imagination or whatever.

Either way, it's good, IMO.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

alexm said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > So I was already turned on by my man and then when u watched it heightened my arousal just the physical act not the person and due to my already sexual state of mind
> ...


No I didn't act on it I waited for him  And yes I am understanding more and more and feeling better and ready to handle this and move on the way we decide. It was helpful, the experiment and this forum for sure.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Lizzyb said:


> Lol well I thought some men used it to achieve an erection or because they are bored. Or as a hobby so to speak. I guess if it is used once in 5 months for 10 minutes then maybe it is just a rare horny occurrence where I am not there to relieve it for him


it is really a 3 step process:
1) form an erection
2) cum
3) relieve the erection

it is the middle step that is the goal. lol


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

So I told him about my experiment and he wasn't happy but he did understand. He had numerous questions of course about the men and how old they were and stuff like that. He said he doesn't like me watching it. However it gave him an insight to my take on it. So now that I understand and I explained that masturbation is ok with me and I want to have different ways for him to achieve it. He agreed to try in front of me if I would as well he thinks I need that for my peace of mind that he can masturbate just to me. I told him I will need to work myself up to that but I am willing. He did say he doesn't want to masturbate he just wants to be with me and that now he has an outlet which is me anytime he wants to or feels the need for sex he has no desire to masturbate or for porn. I explained that it's ok to masturbate just find different ways and he stressed that now with me as am always willing particpant that he is relieved that he doesn't have to masturbate anymore. That kinda made me feel good. Now I have to step out of my comfort zone to have dual masturbation lol


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## biggunz69 (Apr 2, 2017)

I never masturbate unless we are fighting the I watch porn and get myself off. IMO the man shouldn't have to watch porn to relieve an erection. Why can't his woman help him?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Lizzyb said:


> So I told him about my experiment and he wasn't happy but he did understand. He had numerous questions of course about the men and how old they were and stuff like that. He said he doesn't like me watching it. However it gave him an insight to my take on it. So now that I understand and I explained that masturbation is ok with me and I want to have different ways for him to achieve it. He agreed to try in front of me if I would as well he thinks I need that for my peace of mind that he can masturbate just to me. I told him I will need to work myself up to that but I am willing. He did say he doesn't want to masturbate he just wants to be with me and that now he has an outlet which is me anytime he wants to or feels the need for sex he has no desire to masturbate or for porn. I explained that it's ok to masturbate just find different ways and he stressed that now with me as am always willing particpant that *he is relieved that he doesn't have to masturbate anymore*. That kinda made me feel good. Now I have to step out of my comfort zone to have dual masturbation lol


That's great, seriously! This not only opens up a whole new world, but it also enables each of you to become more comfortable with one another, which is the ultimate goal.

Every now and again, my wife and I will engage in mutual masturbation, or simply do it next to each other. As I said earlier, she doesn't do it on her own (or extremely rarely, anyway), so this adds a new dynamic to our sex life. IMO, it's every bit as intimate as full-on sex, and can be just as fun, too. For us, it's just something different we pull out of the hat every once in a while.

For whatever reason, there's a stigma attached to masturbation - it's private, it's something we do ourselves, it's something we do only when we can't have sex, etc. Think about that for a second, and ask yourself, why? Two people who live together, have sex, yet are too shy to touch themselves in front of their partner? There's really no logic behind why someone would be too shy to do this.

ps. I don't like the bolded part above, but there's still progress being made, so that's good!


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

biggunz69 said:


> I never masturbate unless we are fighting the I watch porn and get myself off. IMO the man shouldn't have to watch porn to relieve an erection. Why can't his woman help him?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Because she's too busy playing Candy Crush - need to make sure that she makes that next level.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

@Lizzyb

Don't wanna disrespect your religious convictions; but most "christian" men use porn. Yeah, I know, the Bible says to not lust after anyone other than your spouse. Most christian guys don't care about that part of the bible. Maybe a lot of christians don't obey most of the the "Thou shalt nots" in the Bible.

So, forget about the religious/spiritual side of it. It's useless.

Accept that your husband likes looking at other women naked. He thinks a lot of them are better looking than you. He likes to think about what it would be like to have sex with them.

Graphic filmed portrayals of every imaginable act. Basically filmed prostitution.

Meditate on that; accept it, and decide if you can stay with him and have sex with him despite that.

(I'm sure you're beautiful; it doesn't matter---you can't be beautiful enough. You can never be beautiful enough)

If you decide it's worth it to stay; get everything you can get out of him; and don't be afraid to appreciate the good looks of other men.

fwiw, you have my sympathy and understanding.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lizzyb said:


> I am very open to taking photos or videos and we have talked about that. That is one way we agreed if we were apart for a few nights that we could use that or even just phone sex. He also said if I was gone for an evening then I can tell him a time I wil be home and let him know that when I get home we can have sex that would also work.


I honestly can't imagine having THIS great a need to have to be in total *control *of every single aspect of a man's entire sexuality - his thoughts, his fantasies, what he has to watch when he IS allowed to masturbate, controlling when he masturbates, making him explain why he looked at porn twice in 5 whole months, etc. etc. 

I really can't even fathom *needing* to have _this_ level of control over ANYONE. It's just sad.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Lizzyb said:


> The duration of my relationship with my SO is close to a year now and during this time I have found porn 3 times. We have an active sex life and I never turn him down. We have sex if not every other day then at least every 3 days. The 2nd time I found it I felt I needed to confront him since this was something I have never wanted in my relationship and I felt I might not have been clear. We talked and he said that he used it only because at that time we were visiting at my moms for a week and he had woke up turned on and then my mom walked in the room so he couldnt approach me for sex. Therefore he went to shower and that is when he used it. He promised he didn't have a problem with porn and he wouldn't use it again. Well 5 months later I find it again. I was getting ready to go to a wedding reception without him and then I decided I wanted a quick nap before. He said I could come and lay down nude and nap with him and I said no ill put my nightie on. I had no idea that was his way of trying to get me into bed for sex so I didn't get the hint and fell asleep. He said watching me getting ready and the dress I wore was low cut and sexy so he became aroused. So when I left he said he contemplated on not masteubatin and waiting for me but then the urge was intense and he didn't know if I would be home that night he figured not till early morning since I like to stay out and party. I asked why he had to use porn couldn't he do it without and his answer was it speeds up the process. According to the history it was about 15 min after I left and he only viewed it for 10 or so min. I obviously realize he isn't an avid porn user but is his answer valid? He seemed to think I had a problem with masturbation and I have gently explained that I'm fine with it that it's the porn I have an issue with. He grew up LDS so he was taught masturbation is shameful and he should feel dirty. I told jl to never feel that way and that it's ok if the time calls for it. But I also made him aware I will always satisfy his urge at any moment. He says he doesn't like to bother me that he feels selfish and he never wants me to feel used. We have kept the communication open since this happened last week and he says he feels closer to me knowing he can talk about the most embarrassing things and I don't look at him differently. He said I am making him a better person. He had a bad marriage before and used porn to relieve himself since they never had sex towards the end. Little personal info he is 50 and I am 41 both of us are in great shape and I always take care of my appearance. Just need some input since it is hard for me to undestand and I want to feel ok about his reason . Thanks in advance



By the sounds of these posts I'd say you're newly weds getting used to being in a relationship, married, boundaries, etc.


It also sounds very controlling with too many rules and limitations.


If he views porn a few times here or there, find out what porn he views and take the initiative, no talking, no new rules and just surprise him.


I doubt he's doing this to hurt you.


Us guys are simple. We get in the mood quite easily and mainly due to visual stimulation, So a hot woman, hmmmmm.


Porn are hot women who love sex and are great at it.


Stop telling him if he can relieve himself or not, porn or not, etc. He is in charge of his body and not you.


Ladies use vibrators all the time and are no different. They view porn, romantic spicy novels, you name it.


You can't be controlling like this only one year into the marriage.


He doesn't like it when you flirt? With other guys, yes? Or with him?


Mrs.CuddleBug thinks about and looks at other guys I'm sure. I've told her, there's nothing wrong with that and it doesn't bother me. Just don't tell me.


Now you're telling him you will be viewing some porn?


Way too much talking and controlling here.


Having to discuss everything, being more open, more rules, more boundaries, is extremely controlling and not what a loving and trusting marriage is about.


If you want to relieve yourself with or without him, its okay.
If he wants to relieve himself with or without you, its okay.


If you want to view porn once in a while with or without him, its okay.
If he wants to view porn once in a while with or without you, its okay.


If you have an idea to take sexy pics of yourself and surprise him, that's great. No discussion needed.
If you want to make sexy vids of yourself, using a vibrator for him, that's great. No discussion needed.
If you want to dress up, cosplay, total surprise for him, that's great. No discussion needed.


It's almost like you've never been in a serious relationship before and are way too controlling, limitation, discussions, rules, etc.


Whether you are a person of faith or not, the sex drive will always be there.


My advice is to chill and rock each others worlds with spontaneity.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I really can't even fathom *needing* to have _this_ level of control over ANYONE. It's just sad.


It's not only sad, it's unrealistic. He's already defying her rules and lying to her.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @Lizzyb
> 
> Don't wanna disrespect your religious convictions; but most "christian" men use porn. Yeah, I know, the Bible says to not lust after anyone other than your spouse. Most christian guys don't care about that part of the bible. Maybe a lot of christians don't obey most of the the "Thou shalt nots" in the Bible.
> 
> So, forget about the religious/spiritual side of it. It's useless.


Yes and probably more so - I imagine porn is more appealing to those who are told its sinful. There is something about repressed sexuality and porn that creates a kink. Thinking that something is 'naughty' is hugely arousing!


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I did try this version of relationship once where I didn't use porn but instead would just have "sex on demand" per her request. Ultimately she was too controlling for me but it was an interesting concept. She was the only woman who ever requested this of me. Honestly wouldn't be part of anything like that again.


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

Even when my wife and I were at the height of our sex life, and were doing it nearly everyday (prior to the kids), I still viewed porn on a very regular basis. Now that my wife has minimal interest in sex, I probably use it more frequently as it's my main method of sexual release. I'd still choose real sex with my wife every single time over porn. I don't feel it's unhealthy at all. I don't over indulge, I don't watch porn that portrays violence or is degrading to women, and I recognize that those people are actors performing to a directors specifications, not having real sex. 

I had a girlfriend in my early 20s who was very much against me watching pornography, and I tried to hide it from her at all costs. I don't think my wife ever said anything about porn. She's a little too prudish to actually watch it herself, but she's never judged me for it.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

podiumboy said:


> I had a girlfriend in my early 20s who was very much against me watching pornography, and I tried to hide it from her at all costs.


This is what's happening with the husband of the woman who started this thread. Only he's not quite at the "hiding it" stage rather he's at the "making lame excuses" stage. "Oh honey you really turned me on with that dress but since I couldn't have you and I had this pesky erection that wouldn't go away and not much time to deal with it I jacked off to porn because it's faster".

Eventually he'll just stop explaining it because the light bulb will come on and he'll realize it's much easier to simply not tell her he watches porn. 

The problem with these two has nothing to do with the porn. It's all about her rigid thinking and her need to impose her will on another person. "I believe this is the way to live your life and you will do it my way or I will leave you!". 

It could be porn, or it could be how full the dishwasher is before you run it, or any other multitude of reasons.

And it's also his fault for allowing this controlling behavior to perpetuate rather than standing up to her and saying "A guy's going to do what a guy's going to do and if you don't like it and it's a dealbreaker then lets cut our losses right NOW".


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

stixx said:


> podiumboy said:
> 
> 
> > I had a girlfriend in my early 20s who was very much against me watching pornography, and I tried to hide it from her at all costs.
> ...


This was a habit in his bad marriage of 22 years he resorted to porn because he wasn't having sex. We are not married yet and porn is a deal breaker which I was upfront about. If he wants to view porn it's his choice. This is a 50 year old man who has had 2 marriages. I think if he wants something he can speak up and say it. He's not the crafty type to think up lies. I realize not all men are alike and some are honest, I believe he is. He's not like typical men seriously he's not. I have had a lot of interaction with men and my main is rare. If he wants porn then he needs to leave and find a partner who would be compatible since that's not me and he knows this. We aren't married so it's easy to leave. We have been together exclusively for 9 months so it's not like we have a lot of years invested. He watched it twice in almost 5 months and I understand the circumstances for this. He is the one who says he doesn't even want to masturbate he feels guilty not sharing sexual experiences with me. I told him masturbation is nothing to be ashamed of. He still feels this way and that's his choice.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> This was a habit in his bad marriage of 22 years he resorted to porn because he wasn't having sex.


He's not going to give up that habit. You might think he will, heck he might even have himself half convinced that he will but it won't happen. Even if he can restrain himself it won't be natural and he will resent you greatly for it and it will cause problems in other areas of the relationship. 



Lizzyb said:


> This is a 50 year old man who has had 2 marriages.


There's a reason his first two marriages didn't work out. It's not all about his crazy exwives. 



Lizzyb said:


> I think if he wants something he can speak up and say it.


He obviously likes you a lot. He thinks you are the woman with whom he will have a successful marriage and spend the rest of his life with. Just like he thought about the first two wives, until of course, he didn't.



Lizzyb said:


> He's not the crafty type to think up lies.


Nothing crafty about it at all. He's in conflict. He's got a porn habit, he's got urges, he's going to give in to temptation and he knows if he comes clean then it's over. Since he doesn't want to lose you he has only one choice. So he tells you that you looked hot in your dress so he masturbated to porn because it was faster and he was in a hurry or something. 



Lizzyb said:


> He watched it twice in almost 5 months.


You don't know that. All you know is that he TOLD you that.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> He watched it twice in almost 5 months.


You don't know that. All you know is that he TOLD you that.[/QUOTE]

I so know. The history is attached to our goggle account and I see everything. He doesn't have any other access.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I so know. The history is attached to our goggle account and I see everything. He doesn't have any other access.


*Not ALL porn is online.* He may have resorted to online porn in the rare instances that his offline materials were not accessible. Such material might include DVDs, thumbdrives, magazines, VHS tapes, SD Cards, and/or semi-obsolete camcorder tapes just to name a few.

I grew up in the age of VHS tapes. I remember staying for a month at my parent-in-law's house overseas. I was a rather desperate man during this time as there was not a moment for my wife and I to have time alone during this trip. So I used: 50mb Live Linux OS Distro to boot my father in law's desktop computer into a live linux distribution one afternoon so that I could download myself some porn movies and photos onto a thumb drive without leaving any traces. My laptop I had with me during that time had no wifi access. This at least allowed me to watch some movies offline that I downloaded previously. 

Just saying...

Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I so know. The history is attached to our goggle account and I see everything. He doesn't have any other access.
> ...


I realize that but we live and work together so we are together almost 24 hours a day. Our home is tiny and there is nothing in it, such as vhs, magazines, dvds, thumb drives, no pc's, we live and work here so no where to hide anything and we go out and socialize together except for a few occasional times that I do. We are very simple and basic people. We have one vehicle so if I leave he has no way to so it's not like he is leaving and finding other ways to access porn.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

I finally decided to view his searches. So he only used Google search and only view google images. He never went to a website. Goo girls images were mostly all blow job photos and they were not sexy and attractive. The women were very average nothing exceptional. I don't want to sound vain but I am always told I resemeble a cross between Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. The women in these photos didn't look appealing maybe it's true he just has a fantasy about blow jobs and maybe I need to step it up. I'll be honest I have only done that a few times and that was in the very beginning. Why would a man watch women that are not stunning giving blow jobs, any other reasons? When I think of men watching porn I thought they want to see sexy women more like 10's and not 5 or 6's, it's confusing...he never even clicked on any image just viewed the results.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> .he never even clicked on any image just viewed the results.


Do you honestly believe that he did a Google search for porn and only looked at the search results but not at any of the actual images?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

stixx said:


> Do you honestly believe that he did a Google search for porn and only looked at the search results but not at any of the actual images?


That does not add up to me either...

Perhaps that was his one slip up where he forget to enable private browsing and/or delete all his history. 

Seems more like an episode of "I'm going to look at porn... oops, I do NOT have time!" and he never bothered to delete anything from that session.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> stixx said:
> 
> 
> > Do you honestly believe that he did a Google search for porn and only looked at the search results but not at any of the actual images?
> ...


He looked at only google images not the search results. He first went to Google search typed in the query which was "goo girls" the results came up then he clicked on "images" in google. I know exactly what he clicks and searches let's just say that. So when the image results came up he never clicked on anyone in particular


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Perhaps that was his one slip up where he forget to enable private browsing and/or delete all his history. 

Seems more like an episode of "I'm going to look at porn... oops, I do NOT have time!" and he never bothered to delete anything from that session.[/QUOTE]

He had a couple other searches such as "bang bros" and it was the exact same thing. If it was a slip up I would think he wouldn't have slipped up more than once that evening.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> He had a couple other searches such as "bang bros" and it was the exact same thing. If it was a slip up I would think he wouldn't have slipped up more than once that evening.


"goo girls" and "bang bros" are VERY SPECIFIC searches from someone that has seen a great deal of porn. He knows exactly what studios produce the porn he likes at this point.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > He had a couple other searches such as "bang bros" and it was the exact same thing. If it was a slip up I would think he wouldn't have slipped up more than once that evening.
> ...


I sorta determined that when I went to search this. I know he used porn in his sexless marriage so I know he has been familiar with it in the years before me which is why he has specific searches. He does not know that I am able to see his searches and he always just clears history since he has no clue I can see his activity on my phone. I don't think he even is aware of private browsing. He is quite technically challenged and only knows how to search and view and of course clear history and website data since its all in one. If he wanted to be sneaky he would know how to clear just the porn sites from history but he doesn't. I just find it odd that he only viweed the images and never went to a site or looked at videos


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Oh and bang bros image results had no explicit content which is why I think he then went to goo girls those image results did. He only spent 2 min on the bang bros image results then moved on. He said he used it routinely in the last few years of his marriage so I do understand that it became a habit. His ex wife is not stupid I think she would have found out if it was an addiction. She found out others things so I'm sure if it was something he did frequently she would have known. She didnt think he had an addiction to porn.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I sorta determined that when I went to search this. I know he used porn in his sexless marriage so I know he has been familiar with it in the years before me which is why he has specific searches. He does not know that I am able to see his searches and he always just clears history since he has no clue I can see his activity on my phone. I don't think he even is aware of private browsing. He is quite technically challenged and only knows how to search and view and of course clear history and website data since its all in one. If he wanted to be sneaky he would know how to clear just the porn sites from history but he doesn't. I just find it odd that he only viweed the images and never went to a site or looked at videos



One image search on google can deliver endless thumbnails. Clicking on one image simply gives you an enlarged preview _within_ the image results, for which you can keep swiping through the results. So one search can result in enough images to keep one occupied for quite a while...


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I sorta determined that when I went to search this. I know he used porn in his sexless marriage so I know he has been familiar with it in the years before me which is why he has specific searches. He does not know that I am able to see his searches and he always just clears history since he has no clue I can see his activity on my phone. I don't think he even is aware of private browsing. He is quite technically challenged and only knows how to search and view and of course clear history and website data since its all in one. If he
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think it is because for most men (and maybe women?) porn is not about the people but about the act. "goo girls" is not my cup of tea, but it exists so there must be a market. Probably it is the fantasy of control and maybe degradation. Yes, degradation is nasty, but its a FANTASY, and from what you have written, not something he wants to do in real life.

He doesn't look at beautiful women because he has YOU. I watch porn but its not about the beautiful women for me either - I'm very attracted to my wife (for all that she is in her mid 50s), I watch it for the fantasy and for vicariously enjoying the wide range of sex acts that my wife will not do. Everything else being equal I'll watch attractive women, but its not the most important part. 

As others have indicated, there is a fair chance that he has watched more porn that you think. From your previous comments, you have indicated that you are willing to take a rational view and to think things through (an excellent quality btw). I'd suggests that you think carefully about whether or not your objection to his porn make sense as long as his porn use isn't interfering with your sex life. Your choice, but just think it through carefully to make sure that you are not creating conflict where none needs to exist.





Lizzyb said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > Right, I discovered that. I guess my question is why view images of "goo girls" it doesn't look very attractive to me so what is it exactly that he is craving? I mean if he was viewing beautiful nude women that might make me insecure with my looks but this search makes me wonder what he is missing out on. This search only shows mediocre women giving men oral sex and yes the fluid on them which is odd to me but I'm not a man


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Lizzyb: seems clear to most of us that he desires activities that he strongly suspects you would not approve of doing with him. So he turns to the internet for images of activities that excite him, but that he fears you would never agree to do.

You do not have to accept that he turns to the internet for release. You do not have to accept that he desires unacceptable activities. You do not have to provide him with an outlet for those desires.

But I think you are fooling yourself if you think he will obey you when you deny him an outlet and prohibit him from looking at those images. He may agree to refrain, but he will almost certainly cheat. And feel guilty. And try to hide it form you. And it will only weaken your marriage. You can demand that he stop feeling the desire, but history shows that demand rarely helps the relationship. Let him indulge his desires. Or let him go. But don't try to cage him. It may seem like a "win" for you if he agrees to be caged. But I think you will find it ends up being just as much a loss for you as for him. Few women continue to respect and desire a man who allows himself to be caged (unless that is both your kink and his - in which case cage away!).


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Great responses and it set the tone for an open discussion. He said that he is familiar with the production companies due to his habit. He did say that it's the acts that are enticing and I asked if he wants more of that in our sex life. He still claims that he isn't desiring more variety. However I will take it upon myself to spice thing up every so often just in case. He is open even though this is uncomfortable for him and I feel that if he needed to tell me he needs more or different now is the time since I am being understanding and willing to please. I also mentioned the fact that his searches are more geared toward the fantasy of control and degrading and he said he feels that all porn depicts that and he feels it's wrong but also somethung that worked for a purpose when he needed it. He said in his search there were various acts which is correct and he said there were group sex as well as one on one and his preference was the one on one. He said there were 3 photos that he honed in on and he enlarged them to fit the screen which is why it never showed him clicking on a specific image. I stressed that if he has desires he needs to share them so we can determine if we are indeed compatible since I don't want to hold him back from his desires. We aren't married and it's best to find out before we get married


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There is porn that is not at all degrading to women (or men). There is porn to fit pretty much anything anyone might want. 

As long as he (and you) really believe that fantasy isn't the same as reality, then what sort of porn he likes (assuming its legal) shouldn't matter. 

He might like play-acting control, but also it really might be something he prefers as a pure fantasy. There are fantasies that I (and I assume many people) have that I wouldn't want even in play-acting. 

If you both enjoy sex together, that is what really matters. Its worth finding out each other's fantasies, but that doesn't mean that you have to act on them - only on the ones that you both would enjoy doing. (even then you may find after trying them that some things are more fun in fantasy than in reality).

There is also space in a relationship for some fantasies to remain completely private if there is any insecurity involved. A woman with a fantasy about enormously endowed men might not want to share that with her partner if he is somewhat insecure about his size. That's fine - as long as she is happy with her partner in real life, it doesn't matter that she has fantasies of something else. 

I see no problem with people in a relationship having some incompatible fantasies, its only a problem if there are not enough things that they do enjoy doing together. So you are not "holding him back" if there are fantasies you don't want to fulfill, unless they are really fetishes that he *needs* rather than just things he might want to try if given the chance. 

You are talking and that is great. I think its important to keep reactions to "That's OK, but not something I'm interested in", rather than "you are a perverted xyz", because the second will just shut the other person down. You should also share whatever fantasies or desires you have - both because he might enjoy them too, but also so it all doesn't feel one-sided to him. 

I wish I could share my fantasies with my wife, but I don't dare because she has reacted badly to some suggestions in the past. She has never shared hers with me. Its sad - because there might very well be things we would both enjoy if only we knew. 






Lizzyb said:


> Great responses and it set the tone for an open discussion. He said that he is familiar with the production companies due to his habit. He did say that it's the acts that are enticing and I asked if he wants more of that in our sex life. He still claims that he isn't desiring more variety. However I will take it upon myself to spice thing up every so often just in case. He is open even though this is uncomfortable for him and I feel that if he needed to tell me he needs more or different now is the time since I am being understanding and willing to please. I also mentioned the fact that his searches are more geared toward the fantasy of control and degrading and he said he feels that all porn depicts that and he feels it's wrong but also somethung that worked for a purpose when he needed it. He said in his search there were various acts which is correct and he said there were group sex as well as one on one and his preference was the one on one. He said there were 3 photos that he honed in on and he enlarged them to fit the screen which is why it never showed him clicking on a specific image. I stressed that if he has desires he needs to share them so we can determine if we are indeed compatible since I don't want to hold him back from his desires. We aren't married and it's best to find out before we get married


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Well, the only thing that matters is that you two can work out a compromise that works for you two.

I'm impressed with your own willingness to do a little experimentation.

Good luck to you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If they were image searches, he may not have seen anything he was interested in.




stixx said:


> Do you honestly believe that he did a Google search for porn and only looked at the search results but not at any of the actual images?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just noticed this. 
Maybe he really really likes blow jobs but doesn't to ask and pressure you into doing something you don't like. Based on his search and your having not done it in a while, maybe give it a try. Assuming you don't mind - next evening just give him a really great BJ to completion, letting him finish where he wants. You may make him really really happy - and wipe all thoughts of porn from his mind. 

This may be something he has really wanted but been too shy to ask for - maybe based on previous relationships with women who hated doing them. 

Of course this is a 2 way street. Later you need to tell him what *you* want. 





Lizzyb said:


> I finally decided to view his searches. So he only used Google search and only view google images. He never went to a website. Goo girls images were mostly all blow job photos and they were not sexy and attractive. The women were very average nothing exceptional. I don't want to sound vain but I am always told I resemeble a cross between Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz. The women in these photos didn't look appealing maybe it's true he just has a fantasy about blow jobs and maybe I need to step it up. I'll be honest I have only done that a few times and that was in the very beginning. snip


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> badsanta said:
> 
> 
> > Right, I discovered that. I guess my question is why view images of "goo girls" it doesn't look very attractive to me so what is it exactly that he is craving? I mean if he was viewing beautiful nude women that might make me insecure with my looks but this search makes me wonder what he is missing out on. This search only shows mediocre women giving men oral sex and yes the fluid on them which is odd to me but I'm not a man
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I stressed that if he has desires he needs to share them so we can determine if we are indeed compatible since I don't want to hold him back from his desires. We aren't married and it's best to find out before we get married


Generally speaking porn is "overstimulating" and requires novelty to maintain enjoyment. If your husband subjected himself to prolonged overstimulation in his previous marriage to numb the pain of a sexless lifestyle, then this would have indeed skewed what images he enjoys looking at in a way that likely does not reflect a desire that he has in real life.

Consider the extreme nature of the porn he was viewing to be a result of how much pain his ex wife was causing him. 

If the two of you are happy, then his desires and fantasies should be normal.

Now why would he resort back to extreme porn while he is in a relationship with you? Likely just out of habit as a go to solution for a quick fix.

So if he says he does not really desire to do those types of things with you, he sounds sincere. I really do commend you however on making sure that he is not struggling with shame and/or pain and that you encourage to discuss everything with you to make sure that the two of you can build a healthy and meaningful relationship together before getting married!

Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> .
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Well, the only thing that matters is that you two can work out a compromise that works for you two.
> 
> I'm impressed with your own willingness to do a little experimentation.
> 
> Good luck to you.


Thank you! He means everything to me and I just want to do whatever I can to resolve any isues in a gentle understanding manner. We both have 2 failed marriages a piece and want to get this right. He is more in touch with his feminine side so he jokes that he is the female in the relationship. It works well for us since he loves to talk and share his feelings. He loves intimacy it's basically all new to him since he never experienced it before and he's embracing it


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> Just noticed this.
> Maybe he really really likes blow jobs but doesn't to ask and pressure you into doing something you don't like. Based on his search and your having not done it in a while, maybe give it a try. Assuming you don't mind - next evening just give him a really great BJ to completion, letting him finish where he wants. You may make him really really happy - and wipe all thoughts of porn from his mind.
> 
> This may be something he has really wanted but been too shy to ask for - maybe based on previous relationships with women who hated doing them.
> ...


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Now why would he resort back to extreme porn while he is in a relationship with you? Likely just out of habit as a go to solution for a quick fix.
> 
> So if he says he does not really desire to do those types of things with you, he sounds sincere. I really do commend you however on making sure that he is not struggling with shame and/or pain and that you encourage to discuss everything with you to make sure that the two of you can build a healthy and meaningful relationship together before getting married!
> 
> Badsanta


@Badsanta I think your response is spot on. It makes perfect sense and he did say that since he had a habit he is going to what he went to before. I think as time goes on and we continue to grow as a couple and continue to be open and share our desires. I think as long as that continues, we will be fullfilled and he won't go back to the habit. I have to remember it took years to develop a habit and it doesn't always stop in an instant somwtimes there are slipups but I will trust that he will overcome it with my help


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> he jokes that he is the female in the relationship.


There is no doubt you are the one wearing the pants.



Lizzyb said:


> It works well for us


Of course it works. You tell him what to do, and he listens. To a point. That point has been reached. Now, he's gotten frustrated and probably resentful but because he's temporarily misplaced his testicles, he hides it, rather than saying "Sorry babe I'm going to watch porn and I'm going to jack off to it, just like I've done my entire life. Sorry things didn't work out, good luck I'm sure you'll find a guy who will abide by your rigid and unrealistic rules" he says "Ok Dear" and continues to do it and lie to you about it, and when he gets confronted or caught he makes lame excuses for it. I can imagine the conversation he has with his buddies. "Yeah I told her.. get this.. she really turned me on when she wore that dress so I just had to jack off to porn because it was faster..and she bought it!"


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

stixx said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > he jokes that he is the female in the relationship.
> ...


Any one with any integrity would be upfront when the lines of communication are open plus I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this. I have made it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to continue this just to tell me so it's not being hidden. I even offered watch with him if he desires that. I have made this very easy for him to open up and he has which is why I respect that. I do not control him or the relationship I am just pointing out he is the more sensitive one and he is the one who is a better lover despite the fact of his porn habit. He has not been affected by it where it intreferes with our love making. He is the most gentle and likes to cuddle and talk after where I would rather sleep. It just goes to show that not all men are alike. I'm thankful for that I'm sure there are plenty like you men like you are a dime a dozen and I'm sure there are plenty of women that like your type. That's why it's important to be upfront and have complet honesty so you are matched up correctly


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this.


It's degrading to have your significant other tell you what you can and cannot do with your own body. Imagine if he told his friends "Yeah I can't view porn my girlfriend will leave me if she finds out". 



Lizzyb said:


> I have made it clear that there is nothing to be ashamed of and if he wants to continue this just to tell me so it's not being hidden.


But if he tells you about the porn usage you will leave him. So of course he isn't going to tell you. By lying to you, he gets you AND the porn. It really is that simple. 



Lizzyb said:


> I even offered watch with him if he desires that.


He doesn't WANT to watch porn with you. He wants to view it by HIMSELF.



Lizzyb said:


> I have made this very easy for him to open up and he has which is why I respect that. I do not control him or the relationship


You have NOT made it easy for him to open up, you have told him that you will leave if he views porn. He has not opened up, for good reason, and you are trying your damndest to control him but not having any success because your demands are unreasonable.



Lizzyb said:


> It just goes to show that not all men are alike. I'm thankful for that I'm sure there are plenty like you men like you are a dime a dozen


Your guy is in my dozen. The only difference is that I woudn't lie and cover it up and I wouldn't be with a woman who tried to control me like you do because I have enough confidence, self respect and self esteem to tell such a woman where she can take her unreasonable controlling behavior. I would have laughed you right out the door the first time you said "No porn viewing in my relationship without me watching it too!" Remember you started this thread BECAUSE your boyfriend used porn. If he didn't, you wouldn't have posted the thread in the first place. There are serious problems in your relationship, I am just trying to help because you are in serious denial.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

stixx said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I am not making him feel degraded in any way for this.
> ...


He is not forced in this relationship he knows what it is like to be in a controlling marriage which is why he left his last one. I doubt he would repeat this same mistake. We have to stick by our standards. If he feels by being with me that he is not being true to himself then why won't he go off and find someone who suits him better. Why stay in a relationship where there are lies? Why would he want to cling on to me and not be true to himself and allow himself to be controlled as you say and be miserable in the long run? Don't you think by now at 50 years old he would wise up and go after what he needs and wants? I know I have and honestly I am ok being alone I have no issue. I told him I masturbate and will continue to do so if I feel a need to. He knows he can tell me anything


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

@stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do. There are different people in this world which is what makes the world interesting. I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship? In your personal life you have every right to accept what you feel you need and that's the same as I feel. I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies. I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> He is not forced in this relationship he knows what it is like to be in a controlling marriage which is why he left his last one. I doubt he would repeat this same mistake.


Do you know why most relationships and most marriages fail, especially subsequent marriages?

Because people don't learn, they don't change, they repeat the same mistakes they made the first time around, and the second, and the third...

You don't need to take my word for it. Just Google on reasons for failure of subsquent marriages. 

Here's a Link for you.

“Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” George Santayana




Lizzyb said:


> We have to stick by our standards.


You might feel that way, but there you go again, saying something as if it necessarily applies to everyone ELSE. 



Lizzyb said:


> If he feels by being with me that he is not being true to himself then why won't he go off and find someone who suits him better.


I can only guess, but since you asked, I will do my best. He really likes you. He's caught up in the whirlwind of emotions and passion that happens in the beginning of almost every relationship. He honestly thinks that he can do as you ask because you're worth it, you've got great attributes (perhaps a nice rack, or you're great in bed or you're really understanding or a great cook).



Lizzyb said:


> Why stay in a relationship where there are lies?


I answered this question already. By lying, he gets you and all the good that comes with you, and he gets to jack off to porn. It's win/win, and no one gets hurt (in his mind anyway).



Lizzyb said:


> Why would he want to cling on to me and not be true to himself and allow himself to be controlled as you say and be miserable in the long run?


Already answered above. It comes down to a) he's really not letting you control him, b) he's only acting like it and he's doing it because he thinks you're worth the compromise and the need to lie and hide his porn use.



Lizzyb said:


> Don't you think by now at 50 years old he would wise up and go after what he needs and wants?


I don't know the guy but generally speaking we don't ever really figure it out. I think most of us in our final few years or even on our deathbed say "Next time around I'm going to do things differently". Sad that we didn't do it when we had the time. 



Lizzyb said:


> He knows he can tell me anything


Yes as long as it isn't related to porn usage (and possibly any other rules you've told him will be enforced during the tenure of the relationship, however short that will be).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> @stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do. There are different people in this world which is what makes the world interesting. I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship? In your personal life you have every right to accept what you feel you need and that's the same as I feel. I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies. I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.


 @Lizzyb stixx makes a few good points. So if your partner has a preexisting habit of watching extreme porn and he knows you disapprove of it to the point you would leave him if he feels he still needs/wants to watch porn every now and then... 

...stop for a moment. In most marriages we becomes so invested with our partners that we try to make ourselves into someone better than we may actually be out of fear of loosing our partner. Sexuality becomes problematic because at this point one may be lying to himself about who he really is. Then the risk of infidelity skyrockets because sexuality can only be expressed with someone that he does not care about...

...most marriages face that conundrum after about five to ten years. If you love your partner, you will let him know that you also accept that he is not perfect. You will let him know that while certain things may be problematic that ultimately you will accept him for who he is. He may tell you he has a strong desire to watch porn still and that he struggles with that in order not to hurt you, but it could take him half a decade to be that up front with you regarding this topic. The question then becomes could you accept AND find ways to nurture the parts of his personality that enjoy porn in a way that make him feel loved. 

An interesting thing that one female member here did for her husband would be to narrate to him a pornographic scenario for him to imagine (she would just make it up in her mind). He found that experience to be exponentially better than porn and was amazed that he could have that type of thrill with his wife. 

My point being is that you need to make your husband feel accepted for someone that has a tendency to enjoy porn. What you do to make each other feel loved in that context is up to the two of you, BUT you have to make him feel accepted first!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> @stixx expand your limited mind for a minute and think that it is possible that not all men think the way you do.


 @Lizzyb perhaps you might want to take your own advice. 



Lizzyb said:


> I have met all types of men and most of my close friends are men and they do not share your same thoughts. So are they lying to me to because they think if they tell me the truth they lose my friendship?


I don't know. What rules have you imposed on them in order for them to retain your friendship? Are they not allowed to view porn either? If so, then yes they're probably lying to you about their porn usage.



Lizzyb said:


> I don't want to be held back in a relationship that is harboring lies.


Well, I hate to break it to you, but you're in one. That's why you're questioning your boyfriends answer to his use of prohibited pornography and listening to answers from complete strangers to determine if your boyfriend's answer is legitimate or not. 



Lizzyb said:


> I don't think anyone does. I am trying to instill a value of honesty and integrity in my relationship. I won't settle for less. He knows that if he lies the outcome is worse.


You're trying to force a person to act a certain way and that does exactly the opposite of "instilling honesty and integrity".

It promotes exactly what you are receiving- deception.

Because as you just wrote it yourself "the outcome of lying is worse than the outcome of being caught using porn". Although how could the outcome be worse than porn? What can be worse than you breaking up with him?

I certainly couldn't live under THAT sort of pressure, I doubt he can either.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

@Lizzyb

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Porn-Think...38418&sr=8-1-fkmr0&keywords=porn+think+in+ink

_Porn: How to Think in Kink (a philosophy for everyone)_, Dave Monroe et al

This is a really good book that fascinated me. It is a series of academic papers on psychology and philosophy of porn. It helped me a lot. Academic but very readable.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

@Lizzyb

I want to ask you a question out of curiosity. You do not have to answer, but something to think about. There are three psychological modes of sex: sensation focused, partner engagement, and role play. With sensation focused sex one generally reflects inwards and enjoys how their body responds to a sexual experience, it is essentially an "eyes-closed" mode of sexual enjoyment. Partner engagement involves one enjoying the dynamics of how a partner responds sexually. Role play is an "eyes wide open" mode of sexuality where one enjoys acting out a fantasy which often includes pretending to be other people. 

Which mode of sexuality do you think your partner experiences while watching porn? 

Thinking about this may also give you insight as to why some men may require porn in order to masturbate when their partner is unavailable for whatever reason. This may also give you some insight into ways you can make sex more enjoyable for your partner.

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> @Lizzyb
> 
> I want to ask you a question out of curiosity. You do not have to answer, but something to think about. There are three psychological modes of sex: sensation focused, partner engagement, and role play. With sensation focused sex one generally reflects inwards and enjoys how their body responds to a sexual experience, it is essentially an "eyes-closed" mode of sexual enjoyment. Partner engagement involves one enjoying the dynamics of how a partner responds sexually. Role play is an "eyes wide open" mode of sexuality where one enjoys acting out a fantasy which often includes pretending to be other people.
> 
> ...


My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.


If that is the case, you do not have to increase the variety of things you offer him sexually. It is very likely that you can just focus to make more of an effort to increase the types of feedback you give to him during lovemaking. This feedback can be both verbal and/or nonverbal. You should talk to him about that and see if that is an area the two of you can work together to make your relationship more meaningful to each other. 

You may also need to explain to him that you may not want/need the same from him, that instead you may enjoy him helping to place you into a state of relaxed meditation and exploring the ideas of increasing and/or being creative with how and where he touches you. 

A unique way that you can create the dynamics of your relationship for him to explore alone when you are not available would be to try the following idea. Give him a jar of coconut oil. Ask him to explore the sensations of how it feels to use it on himself as if he were to be placing it on you. This will allow him to explore your mode of sexuality indirectly through his fantasy of imagining how you would respond to his touch while he experiences what you might feel. All you need to do is tell him you are very excited to try this with him, but that you want him to try and experiment a little on his own first so that he can become familiar with how coconut oil enhances the sensations of touch. (Odds are he would find that more exciting than porn, because the idea of you being receptive to him with something that provides a little extra stimulation has been given to him) This also should improve his curiosity towards helping you explore more sensations that should be simple and enjoyable as a couple. Curiosity is the heart of desire. You asking him to explore something new with you is the heart of acceptance. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > My partner is definitely partner engagement and I am sensation focused.
> ...


Great idea! I have mentioned to him that I focus on the feeling and how I would like him to try that. He was able to step out of his comfort zone last night and even initiated all on his own, we were in bed and he was able to masturbate while I kissed him and he was able to just hold me. He said it was very erotic and the best masturbation he has had but still prefers sex. I'm just glad he got out of his comfort zone to explore different ways to masturbate without porn


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I'm just glad he got out of his comfort zone to explore different ways to masturbate without porn


If he shared that experience with you, it sounds like you have all the key ingredients needed to really build a meaningful relationship. 

Do not shame him for porn, but do continue to help him to find ways that can be more enjoyable without it and try to keep him open and honest about the two of you working together on that topic.



Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Update: we talked yesterday and I wanted to know if he had some other desires because of his goo girls search. Well I'm glad I asked. He said he was trying to figure out search terms that would not be obvious in case I saw. He figured vivid video, bang bros and goo girls wouldnt be obvious. I was wondering why he searched that since his searches before were always graphic. He said that it was difficult to find something that interested him in the goo girls and I sorta wondered about that when I did the search. The women are not the most attractive. He was able to find a few of course that worked for him, I guess thats how you can put or lol I was curious about what the images were and he showed me. I feel better seeing them because 1 they were not very desirable but it was a sex image and 2 the bodies were simular to mine. I think my insecurity is that he was married to a large woman. She was close to 300 lbs. Me I'm 5'5" 120 lbs I have curves and my cup size is a full B where his ex was huge. My bra size in proportion to my body. So seeing that he prefers more like my body type makes me feel better plus seeing that the images were basically images for the sex act because the women were not drop dead gorgeous, yes they had nice bodies but I think since they were similar to mine and he can have mine in real life that's a no brainer.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has


My husband was like this too because of his religious upbringing. We were married for 20 years before he could masturbate in front of me - but thinking back that was a positive turning point. Masturbating together exorcised those feelings of shame (as wells as being very hot). :smile2:


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

peacem said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > Something else he said about how he feels guilty for masturbating since he was taught in the church it was wrong along with porn. I told him he shouldn't feel ashamed at all. I told him he should never feel embarrassed with me and that I love him. He knows that I always say to do everything without guilt if you feel you want to do then own it. He said he doesnt want me to watch porn or to be ok with it he said he would look at me different because it's supposed to go against my moral compass. He wants me to have high morals that's one thing that attracted him to me. Its a struggle he has
> ...


Yes he really enjoyed it! Now I need to step out of my comfort zone and try it lol


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

One of the issues with porn is that it is tied in with masturbation which is considered shameful for some reason. That makes it even more likely that people will lie about it when there is no real reason to.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> One of the issues with porn is that it is tied in with masturbation which is considered shameful for some reason. That makes it even more likely that people will lie about it when there is no real reason to.


Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn


Glad to hear the training is going well. Does he salivate when the door bell rings?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

stixx said:


> Glad to hear the training is going well. Does he salivate when the door bell rings?


 @stixx assuming your comment was meant to be sarcastic, I think you should try and widen your horizon of understanding on the topic and try to imagine a wife that could share a level of intimacy with you that naturally made porn rather boring, even if you could watch it as much as your heart desired.

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn


You still have to be brave and masturbate for him! 

For him that level of intimacy (if you have never done that with anyone ever before) will demonstrate the idea that masturbation within the context of a loving relationship can be rather extraordinary for both of you!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

badsanta said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > Right at first he thought my issue was with him masturbating more than the porn. It to awhile to explain masturbation is normal and healthy. That's how he was able to yesterday with me. Its a step in the right direction. He's stI'll talking about how stimulating it was and way better than doing it to porn
> ...


I agree! I will definitely do it soon, he was able to for me and I need to do it for him


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> Yes he really enjoyed it! Now I need to step out of my comfort zone and try it lol


Excellent. Watching my wife masturbate is one of the most sexually alluring things I ever get to see. I've seen it thousands of times, and it never gets old.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> Yes he really enjoyed it! Now I need to step out of my comfort zone and try it lol


May I make a couple of suggestions? 

Buy some tea candles and masturbate in front of him one candle at a time, building the number of candles whilst you get your confidence. 

You could leave knickers on as this is very teasing and obviously easy for a beginner who might be a little shy

I think when you see his reaction it will become easier and easier. In fact it can be a little addictive >.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> May I make a couple of suggestions?
> 
> Buy some tea candles and masturbate in front of him *one candle at a time,* building the number of candles whilst you get your confidence.
> 
> ...


 @peacem you mean to say that you have become a coveted member of the local candle company's mailing list, and you find all sorts of catalogs in your mail everyday?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife would probably say, but she is sleeping now, female masturbation does not need to be about insertion. My wife is quite artful at masturbation now, and never inserts anything. We have talked about it a couple times in reference to videos we have seen and another thread or two. There is a fixation on insertion. It's a "go to" idea in so many female masturbation videos, and seemingly in people's minds.

The only time my wife touches her vagina during masturbation is to pull some lubrication up to her clitoris. Now days she will usually use coconut oil, but she still adds that flourish. An old habit, an alluring touch, whatever.

Anyway, she just wants to toss in her two bits worth that female masturbation isn't about the vagina, it's about the clitoris, for her. She, personally, and I do agree with her from my own experiences, thinks clitoral stimulation is where it's at.

It's just something to think about.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @peacem you mean to say that you have become a coveted member of the local candle company's mailing list, and you find all sorts of catalogs in your mail everyday?


Mr peacem likes his candles like he likes his women....small and cheap.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> My wife would probably say, but she is sleeping now, female masturbation does not need to be about insertion. My wife is quite artful at masturbation now, and never inserts anything. We have talked about it a couple times in reference to videos we have seen and another thread or two. There is a fixation on insertion. It's a "go to" idea in so many female masturbation videos, and seemingly in people's minds.
> 
> The only time my wife touches her vagina during masturbation is to pull some lubrication up to her clitoris. Now days she will usually use coconut oil, but she still adds that flourish. An old habit, an alluring touch, whatever.
> 
> ...


I agree, I have never inserted anything for masturbation. It's definitely just the clitoris for me as well and I need no toys just my own touch.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

I'm sure once we are being intimate the next time and my arousal is high my shyness will be at the back of my mind and I will be able to mastrubate while my partner is present


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Lizzyb said:


> I'm sure once we are being intimate the next time and my arousal is high my shyness will be at the back of my mind and I will be able to mastrubate while my partner is present


Mary says "Go, girl, Go!"

I hope you don't mind her saying girl. She never adopted calling herself a woman, and calls every woman a girl. She is very politically incorrect in this. She says she is never going to grow up if she has to stop being a girl, and become a woman.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> Lizzyb said:
> 
> 
> > I'm sure once we are being intimate the next time and my arousal is high my shyness will be at the back of my mind and I will be able to mastrubate while my partner is present
> ...


I don't ever want to grow up either so I agree with Mary


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Just because you may age there is no excuse for becoming more mature. Fight it with everything you have. Maturity is like sleep: plenty of time for that when you are dead.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> I'm sure once we are being intimate the next time and my arousal is high my shyness will be at the back of my mind and I will be able to mastrubate while my partner is present


Have you talked to your partner about the idea of you doing this for him? You may find it helpful to become aware of his attitude towards this idea before you try it, as odds are he will be supportive (perhaps even too supportive by begging for you to try it). 

As a guy there is a great deal of foreplay and anticipation that you could take advantage of when you plan to do this. You actually do want him to enjoy being "curious" about this for a while before you actually do it with him. The more you can give his mind to enjoy about you that makes him "erotically curious" with anticipation, is yet another step away from porn.

Instead of perhaps just doing it, if he anticipates it with enthusiasm, odds are he will get an adrenaline rush once you are "brave enough" to share this with him. And THAT you do not want to miss for you or for him! There will be fireworks afterwards! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> Mr peacem likes his candles like he likes his women....small and cheap.


OH SH**!

All the candles at my house are "used, close to being burned out, and damn near impossible to light anymore!" But they do really get going once you light them!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

peacem said:


> Mr peacem likes his candles like he likes his women....small and cheap.


I like my martini's like I like my women.......big, strong and dirty. :wink2:

Next time you go out to a restaurant with your husband tell that to the waiter prior to dinner, only insert the word "men." Then look at your H and wink! I bet he will blush or smile.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> Very stupid move on his part if he does this. This is what my Dh did and he has destroyed so many things in our marriage with his lies and has threatened our children happiness , broke my heart and has put a heavy strain on our marriage . With his need to watch porn, he not only destroyed my opinion of him, but he has risked our marriage and put our family on the line.
> 
> *How do I tell my kids their dad is selfish *and did not care who was going to suffer the consequences of his lies, and actions because at the end of the day it's our kids that are going to pay.


It's your kids, but I wouldn't even consider putting the kids in the middle of it.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Lizzyb said:


> Why would a man watch women that are not stunning giving blow jobs, any other reasons? When I think of men watching porn I thought they want to see sexy women more like 10's and not 5 or 6's, it's confusing..




Ever hear of Hugh Grant and Divine Brown?

He's a suave English actor and she was a street prostitute. He got busted for soliciting her for oral sex, iirc.

But the kicker was that his girlfriend at the time was Elizabeth Hurley.

Why? Men (and women) sometimes like to have sex with "low" people who "don't count", so they don't need to have any respect or consideration for the "lowlife".

Also, you've probably heard the saying, "for every supermodel, there's a guy whose sick to death of ****ing her", or words to that effect.

You can't win!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I wonder if that was the cause. 

I'm married to a lovely woman. There is no way any of my friends could know that she has almost no interest in sex, and a very limited number of sexual activities she will engage in at all. 

Elizabeth Hurley may be beautiful, but we know nothing about her sexuality. I'm not blaming her - it may be entirely Hugh Grant's fault in all ways - he could well be a selfish pig - or not. I'm just saying that because sex lives are so private, its difficult to know what motivated him.



notmyrealname4 said:


> Ever hear of Hugh Grant and Divine Brown?
> 
> He's a suave English actor and she was a street prostitute. He got busted for soliciting her for oral sex, iirc.
> 
> ...


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I wonder if that was the cause.
> 
> I'm married to a lovely woman. There is no way any of my friends could know that she has almost no interest in sex, and a very limited number of sexual activities she will engage in at all.
> 
> Elizabeth Hurley may be beautiful, but we know nothing about her sexuality. I'm not blaming her - it may be entirely Hugh Grant's fault in all ways - he could well be a selfish pig - or not. I'm just saying that because sex lives are so private, its difficult to know what motivated him.


I agree!! Liz Hurley is without doubt beautiful. But porn is *not* necessarily beautiful. My husband talks of liking amateur porn. I didnt' understand it until I explored it. It is women who look ordinary - NOT staged - real. Contrived porn becomes boring very quickly. But looking at ordinary women can be a bit voyeuristic and sexy.


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## Lizzyb (Mar 29, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I wonder if that was the cause.
> 
> I'm married to a lovely woman. There is no way any of my friends could know that she has almost no interest in sex, and a very limited number of sexual activities she will engage in at all.
> 
> ...


That's definitely a possible causes


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I wonder if that was the cause.
> 
> I'm married to a lovely woman. There is no way any of my friends could know that she has almost no interest in sex, and a very limited number of sexual activities she will engage in at all.
> 
> Elizabeth Hurley may be beautiful, but we know nothing about her sexuality. I'm not blaming her - it may be entirely Hugh Grant's fault in all ways - he could well be a selfish pig - or not. I'm just saying that because sex lives are so private, its difficult to know what motivated him.




Elizabeth Hurley is a goddess. She certainly was in the 90's when this event took place.

You have a natural reaction of worshipfulness to a god or goddess. Respect and veneration for their specialness and beauty. It matters what they think. It would be horrifying if you repulsed them with your "baser" behavior. Not a bj specifically; but perhaps the way in which it is performed, and how you might want to act during it.

With a "lowlife" person, it's foot-off-the-brake time. Anything goes. Who gives a rat's ass what they think. They are worthless human beings;and their opinions and reactions don't matter. You can be as nasty and deviant as all get out.

He could have been down and dirty with Liz; but perhaps couldn't lose his inhibitions with her. There's often an automatic rush to judgement on the woman; she's beautiful, but she must be frigid. Else he wouldn't be getting up to such shenanigans.

We'll never know. I always thought this was a classic Madonna/ho story.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Really no way to know. I think someones sexual passion or inhibition has nothing to do with their appearance. She may have been the most wonderful and passionate of lovers, or she may have been horrible and selfish. 

He may have been looking for a lowlife to use and abuse, or he may have been trying for a brief escape from a horrible passionless relationship. We can't know. 

Whatever the situation, I think what he did was wrong, even if I don't know why he did it. 





notmyrealname4 said:


> Elizabeth Hurley is a goddess. She certainly was in the 90's when this event took place.
> 
> You have a natural reaction of worshipfulness to a god or goddess. Respect and veneration for their specialness and beauty. It matters what they think. It would be horrifying if you repulsed them with your "baser" behavior. Not a bj specifically; but perhaps the way in which it is performed, and how you might want to act during it.
> 
> ...


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> With a "lowlife" person, it's foot-off-the-brake time. Anything goes. Who gives a rat's ass what they think. They are worthless human beings;and their opinions and reactions don't matter. You can be as nasty and deviant as all get out.


That's taking Madonna/whre to a rather jaundiced extreme. It's true some men are intimidated by beauty & mask desires they think may be seen as uncouth, just as said beauty can lead to a certain passivity or lack of creativity on her part. But having the confidence to be adventurous or kinky with someone you see as more "in your league" doesn't automatically mean you see them as a "lowlife" and "worthless!"


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

> But having the confidence to be adventurous or kinky with someone you see as more "in your league" doesn't automatically mean you see them as a "lowlife" and "worthless!




@Phil Anders

Oh, I couldn't agree more.

But that's just the thing with Madonna/ho, [ or Nice Guy/bad boy]; you DON'T have the confidence to get wild with Madonna or Nice Guy.

You need "a bit of rough" or "go slumming", in order to get off.


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