# Strong thoughts of giving up



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I had an EA and was caught about two months ago. I have maintained no contact, and everything is transparent. My wife forgave me two days after discovery. We did not have a bad marriage. I am solely responsible, and I hold myself accountable. Yes, I do love my wife.

As selfish as this is going to sound, here it goes:

I see my wife each day acting as if nothing happened. She's trying to get right back where she was before discovery. Yet, she's also trying to make changes in herself that she thinks I want. I haven't asked for any changes in her, and I won't.

Each day is a struggle to love her because I don't feel deserving of her love in return. She wants very much to save our marriage, recover, and be stronger than we were before. But again, I often think that she would be better off without me. I know this is wrong to think or say, but when I see her it's a reminder of my failure as her husband. Someone who hurt her to the core. A lasting pain, and never being able to fully trust me again. 

These past few days have really been hard on me. The slightest negative emotion on my part is taken by her as her failure to be a good wife. For example, when equipment doesn't work as expected (like a lawnmower starting), I get frustrated because I have taken care of it as recommended. So I show my frustrations and lose any mood to be happy and humorous. She saw this and interpreted it as her being a failure at making me happy. 

Another example is my dislike for so-called reality TV shows. I'm of the opinion that these shows are mindless (and I know that what I watch instead is viewed in the same way by others). So when she mentioned something about one, I said what I thought of those shows. She knows how I feel about them already. So that was interpreted along the lines of us not being able to even communicate anymore, and she started to cry.

If I'm not telling her that I love her, or hold her, or touch her, or anything else like that, it's seen as me not loving her anymore. I completely understand that it was me who created the whole situation I'm living in now. I don't want her to hurt everyday. I want her to be happy. Yet, when I'm not doing one of the aforementioned affectionate behaviors, all I seem to be doing is reminding her of the crap pile I have become. 

She's afraid to lose me, and even has fears that I have driven the EA further underground. I constantly offer her access to any source of information she wants to see, with or without my knowledge, to help her know that it completely ended on D-Day.

With everything that I've written above, seeing posts in other sections asking about how long it takes for the BS to recover, and my age (50+), I've been thinking about asking my wife if she would be happier if I wasn't around. I'd give her everything we own, and I'd find a room to rent somewhere. I'd keep my living expense to a minimum so that she gets most of my income. I'd come by to care for the yards and the rest of the outside of the house. If she wanted a divorce at any time, I'd give her whatever she wants. 

I can't continue to live in a depressed state in front of her, which in turns just causes more hurt in her. I'd much rather she not have to see her failed husband on a daily basis, and relive the hurt each time she sees me. I'd rather be alone and depressed for the remainder of my days than remind her that she married a F'ing cheater.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

HerToo said:


> ...My wife forgave me two days after discovery. We did not have a bad marriage...She's trying to get right back where she was before discovery...She wants very much to save our marriage, recover, and be stronger than we were before...She's afraid to lose me...
> 
> With everything that I've written above, seeing posts in other sections asking about how long it takes for the BS to recover, and my age (50+), *I've been thinking about asking my wife if she would be happier if I wasn't around*.


You have been given the gift of reconciliation, she is telling you what she wants and your solution is to reject her offer and just give up. Sorry, no easy way out - you acknowledge the hurt and suffering you caused her and are now beginning to understand how hard it will be to restore your relationship... stop questioning the offer she is giving you, suck it up, stop being depressed - get meds or IC or whatever it takes to put YOUR OWL LIFE on track - that is what she wants, for you to be whole again.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It will take time for your wife to go through the stages to heal from your affair. But it will get better. It's important that you communicate with her and don't be afraid to show her your feelings. I would even go so far as suggesting you show her what you posted on here. I wish my wife was as apologetic, owned up to the affair, and just flat out cared. But she does not. How long have you been married? I'm assuming it's been a number of years? I was married for 10 when D-day happened and I still tried for a year to fix it. Time will heal you guys as long as BOTH of you are willing to do the work.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

30+ years of marriage.


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