# On my soap box... and seeking a bit of help...



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Ok, so the rant comes first (and probably in the middle and at the end...)

My wife comes from a family of know-it-all, selfish hateful jerk-o-matics. Her father is a complete know it all who will fight you to always be right. He will nit-pick over the most trivial things.

For example... My wife and I built a covered, screened in deck. He came over and whipped out a level, going over the construction details with a fine toothed comb. He was proud to tell us how we did it all wrong and how it would never last. That was 8 years ago and we still enjoy the deck, mosquito-free to this day. He is an ass... period.

Her mother is an abusive, self absorbed moron who thinks that everyone owes her something. She lived in our home for 8 years until we had enough children that we HAD to move her out. While she was here, she was abusive, demanding. She treated me like a second-class citizen. She acted as if I was an interruption to her life. Eventually, she encouraged my wife to cheat on me and felt that there was nothing wrong with it. (Maybe this is why she has been divorced 5 times)

He brother comes over and makes himself at home with a sort of "Okay. this is my house now" kind of attitude. I could go on and on about all of them. The only one in her family that has any sense is her other brother that lives 1200 miles away.

Needless to say, not only can they not get along with ANYONE, but they can't even get along with each other!

Example 2: They were all over at our house for Easter. Her brother has this 140 pound German Shepherd that goes everywhere with him. He takes the dog into people's homes and lets the dog run free without even asking if it would be okay to turn his snotsicle generating, kid eating, toy-chewing monstrous ass loose in the house so he can poke his nose onto the dinner table and try to wedge his way into a place at the dinner table.

Dad takes issue with this and says something about it. Brother says that his dog is a member of the family. Dad disagrees and a shouting match ensues at the dinner table in my house and in front of my kids.

Later, Dad is not winning at playing cards and gets pissed off. Slings cards all over the kitchen and leaves.

End rant... for now

Maybe I was blind in love (which I will admit, I was until she cheated on me, but I am a bit more calloused to the whole "love" thing these days... I'm not sure I really believe in "LOVE" anymore as much as I believe in liking someone enough to keep them from wandering into a busy street...)

I digress...

Maybe I was foolishly in love... Maybe I was a bit passive because of an abusive background... I don't know what the deal was, but through the years, the wife has been abusive to me, as well as the kids. She allowed her mother to live with us in spite of the fact that she was abusive to her first daughter (from a failed first marriage).

In short, the wife has MAJOR Anger Management issues. Each day, she gets more and more like the rest of her family members rolled into one big ball of self-entitled RAGE.

TODAY... I took a stand. I was awakened by the sound of my 2 year old son getting one HELL of an ass whoopin. I came out of the room like a shot and asked her "What the HELL?!"

Apparently, the 3 year old took a toy from the 2 year old and the 2 year old clocked her for it. The bigger kids are always taking stuff from the smaller kids and he is now old enough that he is inclined to handle those situations. good for him, right? I mean, sooner or later, those pesty girls will learn to leave their hands off of his toys or he will be inclined to crack open a well deserved sippy cup of whoop-ass on them. "Natural Selection"

The wife started to tell me that the ruckus I heard was him beating his sister into oblivion after hemming her up into a corner, and that she whacked his diapered bottom once.

I called BS on her and told her that I NEVER... EVER wanted her to punish our children in such an aggressive and inappropriate manner. That landed me knee-deep into an argument of which she tried to shift the blame onto ME, pointing out all of the ways she believes that I have fallen short of perfect-parenthood over the years. Then somehow she translated that argument into me threatening to take the kids away from her.

Don't be ridiculous! I happen to know that regardless of the circumstances, the law would NEVER permit ME... a MAN to take custody of the children. In the eyes of the law, I am guilty of EVERYTHING... Even if they found her out strung out on crack selling the kids for favors to get a few bucks to buy crack, it somehow would be turned around to reflect on how guilty I am as a man. Everyone knows that a woman would never be abusive if not for a man that made her that way.

(okay... maybe I am still ranting a bit)

At the end of the argument, I told her that she needed to get help for her anger issues, at which time she snickered at me in her sarcastic "get lost you moron" sort of way.

I have FINALLY come out of the corner and demanded that she will NOT abuse our children... Now what? I have actually never stood up for myself or anyone else. What is step 2?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Wow! Nothing??? I thought for SURE that there would be advice abounds!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

If you want mega-responses, ask the moderator to move this to General Relationship.

Okay, I guess I'd have to ask YOU, moogvo, WHAT DO *YOU* want? You've belonged to TAM for 4.5 years...that's a LONG TIME to still be dealing with such SERIOUS problems as:

a formerly-cheating spouse (encouraged to it by her 5-time divorced mother!
who has SERIOUS anger issues
who abuses you
who abuses your children (some of whom are TOO YOUNG to defend themselves)
has a TOXIC family in close proximity
Let's talk about YOU first! I *know* you're worried about your kids, but you can't help THEM until you help YOURSELF first. It's like on an airplane, you have to put your OWN mask on first so you stay conscious long enough to help your kids and others!

*Do you believe it is in the best interest of YOUR health (mental, physical, emotional) to remain married to your wife?*
Things are physically and emotionally abusive NOW and have been for years.
Is your wife amenable to going to counseling? Would she go with an open heart/mind/spirit or JUST to shut you up and stop talk of divorce?
If your wife COULD/WOULD change significantly, would you want to remain married to her? Could you forgive and move on? Do you have enough love left for her? Are you just too burnt out?

*If you WANT to stay married to your wife*, then counseling MUST be a deal-breaker! AND SHE needs anger-management. AND You BOTH need marital-counseling. 

*If you WANT to stay married to your wife*, then I would suggest that moving away from her family's toxic influence is a deal-breaker. And your wife must see the NECESSITY of doing this (so she doesn't invite them for long visits or for Mom to move in with you AGAIN). 

I would say your BIL's situation is chicken vs. egg: Is he sane BECAUSE he moved away and realized how effed-up his family is OR did he know his family was effed-up and saw the necessity of moving away? 
Yes, it will be hard to find a job; life is full of hard choices.
Yes, maybe you love your job, or where you live, or whatever, but it's TOXIC to your family!
You'll both be starting over with NO family/friend support, so you will HAVE to rely on EACH OTHER; stressful, but can bring you closer.
*If you do NOT want to stay married to your wife*, then YOU need to see an attorney and find out YOUR RIGHTS, especially with regard to your children. Be 100% TRUTHFUL about the abuse....what kind, how long it's been going on, how frequent, how serious. YOUR ATTORNEY NEEDS to know the truth! Do NOT speak about this matter to ANYONE (including your family/friends) until you have gotten an okay from your attorney; you may need to gather paperwork, or evidence, or whatever which will be made extremely difficult if you tip your hand. Plus, your wife may be vindictive and make up false allegations to try to stop you.

Do not assume that posessing a penis precludes you from getting your children! This is the 2000s, not the 1950s. *There are men on TAM who have SOLE LEGAL CUSTODY of their minor children*. What YOU need to do is:

prove their mother is unfit and abusive
prove that you are not
prove that you have the wherewithall to raise them
prove that you have a plan to have them looked-after safely and lovingly while you're at work
prove that the children's BEST INTEREST would be served by staying with you, the mentally-strong, emotionally-healthy, financially-secure, loving, attentive, involved father
If you are intent on staying in this marriage because you believe that God expects it, then I can't help you...I've got no advice.

If you are intent on staying in this marriage because you think that two parents is better than a single-parent, then YOU'RE WRONG! Read around here and you'll find adults here on TAM who grew up in abusive homes (contact SomedayDig, a TAM member).

If you are intent on staying in this marriage because you believe that women ALWAYS get the children, then you're ignorant (not stupid, just unknowledgable)...get knowledgable! Start at the library information desk, or the United Way, or Family Social Services (as long as no-one there is your wife's relative or friend), or a local church's help line (not your OWN church...people TALK, even though they're not supposed to!)

*Remember: *THIS* is the ONLY childhood your kids will ever get! Is this clusterf*ck what you want them to remember? *THIS* example is teaching them how to be men/women, husbands/wives, family members. Is THIS the BEST that YOU can do? The BEST that YOU can offer them? The loving LEGACY that YOU want to give your children?*

Figure out what *YOU* want, moogvo, and then let us know! We'll be happy to advise, support, help, but we need YOUR direction...it's YOUR life (and your kids')!

We'll be here when you know what you want to do. I would suggest you move this thread to General Relationships or Considering Divorce (if that's your choice).

.


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## walksoflty (Jun 5, 2013)

Is this a trick question? Sorry, only kidding. You don't like anyone in her family, she is becoming more and more like her abusive mother, she's mean to everyone in the house. I bet you never have a day without conflict orginating inside the home or coming in from the in-laws. You are not happy. If you want, you could spend money on counseling if you feel as though it's worth it. If not, I'd run for the hills, making all the appropriate legal moves. Get some legal advice before you even talk to her. If you decide to call it quits, don't give her advance notice so she can't start manufacturing fake abuse or clearing out your accounts.

Am I wrong?


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