# need help husband divorcing me



## Lostneedhelp72 (Jul 12, 2018)

my husband and I have been together for 28 years and married for 2. we have always struggled with our sex life and he has decided I have not been attentive enough to his needs. I have not been kissed in more than 4 years, he took his ring off seconds after we got married. when we are intimate he does not touch me at all and watches porn the entire time (I am basically a prop). So with that being said I hope you can see why I have not initiated things in a long time. 

When I do initiate things he tells me I did not do it sexy enough and says he is not interested yet then leaves me because our physical life is lacking. I have gained 20 pounds and am depressed. he has a new job where his income has doubled and he does not help financially in alleviating the stress of the bills. He has gambled away over 10,000 in 2 years while I struggle to find a loan to replace our roof. he just had a birthday and has decided I am not aging well enough for him (we are in our mid 40s) and that he deserves better than me. I admit that depression had put me in a black hole so to speak and have gotten medical help for the depression. he says he doesn't believe I am depressed and that is only an excuse and that I have nothing to be depressed about. 

he is now taking Viagra but has no intention on working things out with me, he is looking for a new better looking woman to spend his time with. This is incredibly hard for me since we have been together since we were 18 and he is still living in the house and actually still sleeping in our bed. He has cheated on me several times before we got married and I thought that was behind us. When I tell him I need him to kiss me/touch me he said he cannot because I am not attractive enough for him and turn him off. I am devastated and having panic attacks as I feel that I am undeserving of the physical intimacy and that there must be something horribly wrong with me. his version of me taking care of him would be to please him with getting nothing in return and that it is my fault I am not attractive enough for him. 

His new job has allowed him to buy a brand new fancy car (one that I am not allowed in but my name is on the loan). He just had a birthday and said he has decided life is to short to waste it with me. I am beyond devastated and don't know how to cope with him coming and going and knowing he is going to be having sex and giving another woman all of the things he as refused to give me. Please help


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Hi everyone still very new to this. Can anyone tell me what is happening with this womans' query posted 5 days ago...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

There's only one clear solution to this, and I worry that you are not a strong enough person to do it. But here it is:

Give him what he wants. Go see an attorney, he will almost undoubtedly get a major screwing financially so that he IS actually paying some bills and giving you some help.
You'll be sick for a long time yearning for this guy, but eventually you will give up and start dating. How exciting it will be for you to have a man pamper you and kiss you and do things for YOU in bed! How relaxing it will be to find a man that might be willing to help YOU, and appreciate YOU.

You'll likely start getting excited about life again and lose weight, start working out, having a far more exciting and happy life. Oh, the pain of all that happiness! The sadness of having a partner who fulfills YOU!!!! Oh, the thought is so terrible, isn't it??!!!

Because all you want is more of the same horrible behavior from this shadow of a man that has been a shameful husband, if your accounts are true.

When a spouse does what yours is doing, the only thing to do is GIVE THEM WHAT THEY WANT. Divorce. Let him see YOU dating other men and being happy. It will crush him because I can assure you, there is not a long line of gems out there that will put up with his narcissistic bull**** that he dishes out for you. 

I'm sorry this has happened. But if you stay in this, you are a weak person who will take any kind of ill treatment that a man dishes out, and that will be what you get from the next one as well.

Time to find yourself and be the person you always wanted to be, and not take this kind of abuse.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I think this needs to be moved to Going through Separation/Divorce to get more attention. 
@Lostneedhelp72 We are going to tell you things to make you feel better but the things we are telling you are not for that purpose only, we are telling you the truth. I know it's sometimes hard to see on the inside, what we can so easily see from the outside looking in but you pretty much summed it up in your own words without labeling him. So I will label your soon to be ex-husband. 

He's a selfish loser, a narcissist, bottom of the barrell. The problem is not you or how you look, none of that, it's him and the problems run deep and are on a list a mile long. 

So why do you long and hurt for someone that is this despicable? My guess is years of being subjected to emotional abuse, so fierce and consistent that you doubt yourself, even when it feels like you are 99% right. Also, when someone abandons you, no matter how &hitty of a person they are, it hurts to feel that rejection, it sparks a reaction in us that we need to get them back, again, no matter how awful of a person they are.

You will get over this, trust me. Millions of people have been where we are at and move on to live better lives. I mean there's really only one way to go from this situation .... UP! Once you start to get past the pain of abandonment and when he is out of your life, you will start to see that he was weighing you down, he was in the way of your own better life, a fulfilling life. 

Please get help with counseling and don't hold anything back with close family and friends. In times like this friends and family don't think of this as a burden but as a place to help someone they love. Most in these situations, love helping out because it makes them feel good about themselves as well ... for being good people.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

28 years?! Oh yeah, he's gone. This behavior has been rooted for far too long. OP needs to get some mojo back and start by looking inward, finding what she wants and needs. My bet, after the co-dependency thing is addressed, NOTHING from the WH. This one will need A LOT of counselling. 


It would be so much easier to find someone who respects and cherishes OP and making life alot of of give and take, not just give....


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> *28 years?*! Oh yeah, he's gone. This behavior has been rooted for far too long. OP needs to get some mojo back and start by looking inward, finding what she wants and needs. My bet, after the co-dependency thing is addressed, NOTHING from the WH. This one will need A LOT of counselling.
> 
> 
> It would be so much easier to find someone who respects and cherishes OP and making life alot of of give and take, not just give....


And married for 2! I don't think I've ever seen a ratio with that much disparity in terms of time together/time married. I almost don't want to say this because I think at this point it may give OP a sense of false hope. But this guy strikes me as one of those losers that will come around for ego kibbles every now and then from her just to stroke is own narcissism.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

What a horrible, disgusting, selfish and immoral man. No there is nothing wrong you, but there is EVERYTHING wrong with HIM.
Why oh why are you still with this appalling man, and why oh why did you marry him? 
He is acting the way he is because you are letting him. You are enabling it. 

Please end this awful sham now. Tell him to leave and get down to the lawyers office.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Indeed,

She won't be able to get rid of this guy from her life no matter what she does. He will always be coming back. NO DOUBT. I agree.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This man is disgusting and you need to get yourself to a lawyer.. Many have free consultations. I would do this ASAP and wouldn't bother telling your husband what your up too! You're getting the help you need for your depression so this is good. Try and pull yourself together and locate any financial papers--- house, credit cards, any loans, paystubs to take with you to the lawyer. They often ask basic questions about your financial situation. For being married 28 years, he will be paying for his behavior.

You don't need nor want a man like this in your life. My guess is after you get away from him and on your own, you'll feel much better.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

Lostneedhelp72 said:


> my husband and I have been together for 28 years and married for 2. we have always struggled with our sex life and he has decided I have not been attentive enough to his needs. I have not been kissed in more than 4 years, he took his ring off seconds after we got married. when we are intimate he does not touch me at all and watches porn the entire time (I am basically a prop). So with that being said I hope you can see why I have not initiated things in a long time. When I do initiate things he tells me I did not do it sexy enough and says he is not interested yet then leaves me because our physical life is lacking. I have gained 20 pounds and am depressed. he has a new job where his income has doubled and he does not help financially in alleviating the stress of the bills. He has gambled away over 10,000 in 2 years while I struggle to find a loan to replace our roof. he just had a birthday and has decided I am not aging well enough for him (we are in our mid 40s) and that he deserves better than me. I admit that depression had put me in a black hole so to speak and have gotten medical help for the depression. he says he doesn't believe I am depressed and that is only an excuse and that I have nothing to be depressed about. he is now taking Viagra but has no intention on working things out with me, he is looking for a new better looking woman to spend his time with. This is incredibly hard for me since we have been together since we were 18 and he is still living in the house and actually still sleeping in our bed. He has cheated on me several times before we got married and I thought that was behind us. When I tell him I need him to kiss me/touch me he said he cannot because I am not attractive enough for him and turn him off. I am devastated and having panic attacks as I feel that I am undeserving of the physical intimacy and that there must be something horribly wrong with me. his version of me taking care of him would be to please him with getting nothing in return and that it is my fault I am not attractive enough for him. His new job has allowed him to buy a brand new fancy car (one that I am not allowed in but my name is on the loan). He just had a birthday and said he has decided life is to short to waste it with me. I am beyond devastated and don't know how to cope with him coming and going and knowing he is going to be having sex and giving another woman all of the things he as refused to give me. Please help




This is one of those relationships that seem more like a minor form of Stockholm Syndrome as opposed to an actual relationship/marriage. OP, you have feelings for your abuser. Yes, you are being abused and it has been happening for a long time. It will take strength, but you need to separate yourself from this unhealthy situation. Any feelings that you have as you leave him aren't love - at least not anymore. 

I would also recommend that you talk with someone - either a close friend or counselor to help you as you transition to a more healthy life. It will help lessen the separation feelings you may have as you leave him and you may be less likely to end up in a relationship with a similarly abusive man the next time.

I wish you nothing but good luck, whatever you decide to do...


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Take this asshat to the cleaners!

You should be the one filing for divorce!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Lost, your story is heartbreaking. No one should have to endure a relationship like this. I hope you find the strength to get through this and do what is best for you. Please go to a professional counsellor and start working on you. This message board can be a great help, but I feel it will be too disjointed as everyone responding will have their own advice. I think you need to talk to a professional who can really get to the bottom of what is going on.

I politely request everyone responding to the thread to thoughtfully consider the mindset of the OP when offering advice. Think about what type of person would stay in this relationship for 28 years and what type of advice she would be receptive too. Sometimes feathers work better than 2x4's.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Without reading any of the responses thus far, my advice for you would be this: run far and fast.

You were with him for 26 years prior to marrying him? Was he like this before you got married, and if yes, why did you marry him? He's extremely disrespectful to you, and I personally wouldn't put up with the garbage that he dishes out.

He tells you that you're not attentive enough, but hasn't kissed/touched you in 4 years?

Okay, so you've gained 20 pounds; that's not surprising given the amount of stress that you're under. Why don't you start working on YOU? Join a gym, and if you can't afford that, go to Wal-Mart and get a couple sets of different hand weights, and start lifting them. Get out for walks around your neighbourhood, join a club that has to do with something that you're interested in. Call up friends and see if they want to head out for a coffee/supper one evening. Since he tells you often how unattractive you are (which is just plain awful, by the way), I would imagine that you're feeling pretty unattractive. Go talk to your hairdresser about getting a new haircut, and try out a new lipstick/eyeshadow/skin care regimen. Anything to make YOU feel special again!

I know it probably doesn't seem this way right now, but his wanting a divorce is probably a blessing in disguise. He doesn't treat you well at all, and you deserve much MUCH better. Take care of yourself, and keep posting here; it really helps a person get through a situation.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

If you could wave a magic wand to get what you want, what would happen? What do you love about him now-because he is unlikely to change? But you can if you so choose.

Sounds like you were untouched for two years before you married. You have known him since 18--together many rocky years. But now he is moving on (maybe moving on up). Porn (fantasy-land) can be a great destroyer in a marriage when it is substituted for the intimacy and sex expected in marriage. I'm thinking you have no other relationship to compare to the one in which you exist. Have you long tried to 'be good enough' as a significant other, but no matter what you do, it isn't enough? Such rejection is not your fault, but his.

Be aware that some meds for depression will affect your libido. Devastated and having panic attacks--what can I say? Praise for seeing a doctor to begin working on yourself. Do you have a support group, church, good friends or family?

Could it be that he has become a BAD habit?


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## Lostneedhelp72 (Jul 12, 2018)

Thank you for replying, I am still struggling with all of this, everything I wrote is true, we lived together for 26 years and have a 23 year old child. I married him because I wanted to believe he had grown up and we could get through anything together, he started that new job 1 week before we got married so I was hopeful to a fresh start. He has not touched me during sex in more than 7 years and when I finally had the courage to tell him that is a problem for me and why I don't initiate things more often he says its more proof we need to divorce as he does not find me attractive. I have struggled with my weight since having our child and accepted the porn because of my feelings of inadequacy on my looks/weight. Since he is now making double the income he has changed (like he sees that as a way to start over). Now if I offer to please him (in the fellatio sense) he is now saying I am not enticing enough, that I am acting like it's a chore.. 

When I feel after 28 years together I should be able to say "drop your pants" and that should be good enough considering I know he will turn on the porn and ignore me the entire time. To be clear, I have never said that to him, I would say "come on lets go fool around" and he would tell me that my offer was not enticing enough. I have made a counseling appointment with a Male counselor. I figured I needed a Male's perspective on this. I have stayed because I feel that this is the best I can get. I was 18 when we first started dating and went from my parents house to living with him. we live far away from my family and I don't have a lot of friends (he would tell me that I shouldn't have single friends because they must all be messed up or they wouldn't be single and being that we were not married and he refused to socialize with anyone I met having married friends I never found). I am scared that I will end up alone (a thousand miles from family) and worry about what could happen (I could lose my job/have an emergency) without having any support network. 

My biggest fear is having to watch him be financially successful and give another women (who I am sure would be younger and better looking than me) everything he won't give me. I asked him to contribute more to the house since he is considering us separated and he flipped. I admit I have begged him to work on our sex life, I finally told him that what he gives me is not enough (meaning no touching/no intimacy) and asked him to work on it and he said no, he has no attraction to me. I ask him about his day every day and he fills me in on the drama. When I tell him about my day and if I have had a problem his response is "I know how you are and I am sure you did something to deserve it". 

He accuses me of little things, like hiding his car keys or hiding his cell phone when I am not doing it. he even finds them (due to him misplacing them) and won't admit he found them, just wants to go away pissed and blame me. I do realize I am messed up and that is why I am under my Dr and a counselors care. I married him 2 years ago because that's how long it took him to decide I was worth marrying (he lost a job -due to outsourcing and I stood by him and built him up) however, now he says I have failed at being a wife and wants out (it to me feels like he now has $ in his pocket and a new fancy sports car he feels he can do better).


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## Lostneedhelp72 (Jul 12, 2018)

He has made it clear that there is no false hope with us, The together 28 and married for 2 is true, that's how long it took him to decide if I was worth marrying. Yes he was like this before we got married, I was willing to accept that I was not good enough for him but had a fear of being single the rest of my life. gaining the weight has made it worse and part of me is resentful that he is so superficial. that after 28 years he has no feelings of love for me. that as far as he is concerned, since he has not gained weight since he has not lost his hair since he is aging well that I have no excuse for not aging well. my hair is thinning (and it is hereditary, nothing I can do -been there done it all) and my weight goes up and down that I am not good enough/ desirable enough and hence the need for the porn and that he is turned off by the idea of touching me. To be clear, I am a size 10, 5'5". I know I am over weight and need to work on me, but all I want to do is sleep and cry. Every day I worry "is he coming home today? what time will he come home? who is he with" -when he has made it clear he is looking for someone better. He has cheated in the past so I know he will again and I guess its not cheating when he calls us separated but its hard because I don't feel the same. however all of that leads me to having panic attacks.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> I think this needs to be moved to Going through Separation/Divorce to get more attention.
> 
> @Lostneedhelp72 We are going to tell you things to make you feel better but the things we are telling you are not for that purpose only, we are telling you the truth. I know it's sometimes hard to see on the inside, what we can so easily see from the outside looking in but you pretty much summed it up in your own words without labeling him. So I will label your soon to be ex-husband.
> 
> ...


Nailed it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lostneedhelp72 said:


> He has made it clear that there is no false hope with us, The together 28 and married for 2 is true, that's how long it took him to decide if I was worth marrying. Yes he was like this before we got married, I was willing to accept that I was not good enough for him but had a fear of being single the rest of my life. gaining the weight has made it worse and part of me is resentful that he is so superficial. that after 28 years he has no feelings of love for me. that as far as he is concerned, since he has not gained weight since he has not lost his hair since he is aging well that I have no excuse for not aging well. my hair is thinning (and it is hereditary, nothing I can do -been there done it all) and my weight goes up and down that I am not good enough/ desirable enough and hence the need for the porn and that he is turned off by the idea of touching me. To be clear, I am a size 10, 5'5". I know I am over weight and need to work on me, but all I want to do is sleep and cry. Every day I worry "is he coming home today? what time will he come home? who is he with" -when he has made it clear he is looking for someone better. He has cheated in the past so I know he will again and I guess its not cheating when he calls us separated but its hard because I don't feel the same. however all of that leads me to having panic attacks.


Anyone who reads this can see that you have not learned what your own value is as a person.

I don't care what you look like. I don't care what your weight is. YOU CAN FIND a man that won't treat you this way.
YOU can lose the weight if you choose. YOU can better yourself and develop some self esteem if YOU want to badly enough.
STOP focusing on this man you are "married" to. STOP focusing on what is not good in your life. START thinking about what YOU can do to make your life better. A new certification in your job? A new degree? Getting into some kind of volunteer work? A new hobby? 
Ask yourself what you always wanted to be like, and start working toward being that person. Ignore him. He's really not a problem. Your problem is you are spending your day worrying instead of moving forward in life and developing yourself as a person. If you start taking care of YOU, and making your life better yourself, then things will come together. 

I'm going to tell you a truth: HE WILL BE BACK. This kind of person will never find an attractive, mentally healthy woman that will put up with his lack of character, big mouth, and selfish attitude. When he can't find anyone but you to put up with him, he'll come back telling you what a big mistake he made. You'll take him back if you don't start working on your life.

You do not have to be the person you see in the mirror today. Unhappy, anxious, stuck with this disgusting man.
But only you can change this. And it takes hard work every day to actually change your life. But you can do it. Really.
If you need some help, start asking some successful people you know well, what you can do to better yourself financially. Join a gym. Get out of bed and take a 2 or 3 mile walk every morning. I guarantee you will feel better the more you exercise. 

Don't despair. I assure you life without this man is not nearly so bad. Matter of fact, it will be a lot better. Have some faith in yourself.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

I'm sorry if this comes across trivial but hopefully it paints a picture of what type of person your 'husband' is.

I have only been on the forum for about 9 months now. This 'man' may deserve induction into the TAM Low Life Hall of Fame. This is not a knock on you, you probably feel bad for staying with a guy like this when he makes you feel so bad, so bad that you then try to make it work as a survival instinct that kicks in, inside of us but most of that is based upon our own fears. 

The reason he is saying all of these things is because he is projecting onto you all of the &&itty things he feels about himself and he has done it so much you believe it. 

As insecure as you feel about yourself, trust me. When it comes to beauty of an actual human being inside and out, this guy can't hold a candle to you. You are worried that he is going to find someone else and enjoy all of these things with them? He may be able to find temporary happiness here and there but those people with a sense of decency and self-respect will drop this dude at in a moment's time until he is left trying to look for some other poor soul to badger into submission. 

I know it hurts, it feels wrong, unfair but this guy is doing you a favor. Take this opportunity that God is handing you and start living life for you, a life you could have never imagined and when you look back in a few years you will look at his picture and just laugh. But you have got to focus on yourself and commit to self improvement, that will be the engine to your success.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

For YOUR sake I sincerely hope that he leaves and ends the marriage because I dont think that you will leave him, which is very sad. This man is a disgusting slob, cruel, selfish, mean and abusive. Why oh why do you accept the crumbs that he occasionally throws? Surely being single is far far better than living with a man who basically seems to hate you and seems to enjoy treating you like dirt? Honestly I wouldn't put up with him for one day, let alone all those years. 

You will soon make friends if you leave him, and if not why cant you move back to be near your family? There is nothing to stop you.

Please get legal advise and end this sham. Unless you want to stay with this monster for the rest of your life. Only you can stop this, at the moment you are enabling the way he treats you by doing nothing and taking it.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Wow Lost...sorry to hear about this but in a way he's definitely doing you a favor. It's a gift really. Can't imagine what life would be like to live under such cruelty and no man/woman is worth keeping that treats you this way. Take a deep breathe and look at this as an opportunity to redefine yourself as the real person you are, not what he's painted you to be. Definitely recommend personal counseling to help re-wire your thoughts and to help develop a positive self esteem. We should all be always looking for ways to improve ourselves till our last breathe so make a list and get working to address the things you want to change the most. Do it for yourself. 

Hopefully when you come out on the other side you'll see how wonderful life can be and your only regret will be not having left this man sooner.

Best of luck!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Lostneedhelp72 said:


> He has made it clear that there is no false hope with us, The together 28 and married for 2 is true, that's how long it took him to decide if I was worth marrying. Yes he was like this before we got married, I was willing to accept that I was not good enough for him but had a fear of being single the rest of my life. gaining the weight has made it worse and part of me is resentful that he is so superficial. that after 28 years he has no feelings of love for me. that as far as he is concerned, since he has not gained weight since he has not lost his hair since he is aging well that I have no excuse for not aging well. my hair is thinning (and it is hereditary, nothing I can do -been there done it all) and my weight goes up and down that I am not good enough/ desirable enough and hence the need for the porn and that he is turned off by the idea of touching me. To be clear, I am a size 10, 5'5". I know I am over weight and need to work on me, but all I want to do is sleep and cry. Every day I worry "is he coming home today? what time will he come home? who is he with" -when he has made it clear he is looking for someone better. He has cheated in the past so I know he will again and I guess its not cheating when he calls us separated but its hard because I don't feel the same. however all of that leads me to having panic attacks.


This is absolutely no way to live, no person deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You have to pull up your big girl panties and take back control of your life.

Start doing the 180 on him as of now, you do NOT need him at all. Stop cooking, cleaning, etc. If he gets angry and says anything, tell him, you have taken him at his word, he doesn't need you, want you as a wife etc, therefore you will not be acting as one.


Stop paying any bills that are directly related to him. 
Go see a lawyer about your options, if you have been together so long, you are entitled to alimony. Get papers drawn up
Start planning your exit now. Consider looking for other places to live
* start going to the gym, start getting healthy for yourself
* stop clinging to this man, let all your family and friends know what he is like, how he has been treating you, and what he has been saying
* Get the support of a few good friends
* Try and get counselling for yourself because your esteem is in the toilet.
* If he is cheating, and it is with someone from work, tell HR and blow up his world.

Where is your kid? How does your kid get on with him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My goodness, the way you talk about your weight, I though that you were problem 300+ lbs. But you are 5'5", size 10. That's not overweight. He has apparently verbally abused you to the point that you think it is, but it's not.

He wants a real life partner who is like the porn stars. No real life woman can compete with that because porn stars are fake, a fantasy. Have you ever seen the pictures of porn stars without makeup? Most of them are average at best. And with all the paint and hair styling, the camera finishes the fake-out. https://humour360.com/sexy-nsfw/93-pornstars-with-and-without-make-up/

Even the porn stars cannot live up with their on-camera image in real life. Your husband is down on your because you, like all real women, are not fake.

About your hair loss. See a doctor and have your thyroid checked. That's often a sign of low thyroid hormone. And yes, that would probably be hereditary. 

Why does he prefer porn to a live woman? Because he's sick in the head. It's not because there is a problem with him. There are men who become addicted to porn. Unfortunately, you bought into his addiction. Do a google search on "your brain on porn" and read about porn addiction. He cannot enjoy being with any woman because his head is messed up from his porn addiction. 

You are concerned that he's going to find another woman, younger and prettier. Well he might in the short run, but she will most likely dump him because he's not going to be interested in her either. He prefers porn to a live, breathing, loving woman. How sad is that.

You say that he will not pay bills??? Go get a lawyer and have the lawyer file for interim spousal support for you. He will have to pay the bills at a percentage equal to his percentage of your joint income. Depending on your state, if you have lived with him for 28 years, you might also be eligible for spousal support. Even it if rehabilitative support that would help you set up on your own.

Do the two of you own the home you live in or is it a rental?

You need to get away from this man so you can start to see reality. Your relationship is crazy making. You need to get away.

I'm glad that you are going to counseling and i hope that you have found a good one.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aine said:


> This is absolutely no way to live, no person deserves to be treated the way you are being treated. You have to pull up your big girl panties and take back control of your life.
> 
> Start doing the 180 on him as of now, you do NOT need him at all. Stop cooking, cleaning, etc. If he gets angry and says anything, tell him, you have taken him at his word, he doesn't need you, want you as a wife etc, therefore you will not be acting as one.
> 
> ...


I quoted the above for truth. This is what you need to do. Do things for YOURSELF. For once in your life start taking care of yourself. Put yourself first. It's about time that you love yourself.

There is a link in my signature block below to the 180. Start interacting with him that way... basically as little as possible. Start taking care of yourself.

The only thing that I disagree with in the above post is you blowing up his job. My advice is to not tell HR if he is cheating at work. You want him to have that job. That way you can get interim spousal support get the courts to tell him that he has to pay his fair share of the bills and help you get set up in a place of your own. If you want to blow things up at his job, wait until after the divorce and after he is no longer ordered by the court to provide you support.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

And Lost, you need to get angry. You should be furious with this man so let that anger happen. Use it to give you the strength to end this relationship and move on to a healther life.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

You are not overweight. That's just a little from your optimum weight. You are looking at yourself through your ******* husband's eyes, that's all.

Divorcing him will be a blessing in disguise, you'll see it. It's just a matter of time.


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## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

Lostneedhelp72 said:


> Thank you for replying, I am still struggling with all of this, everything I wrote is true, we lived together for 26 years and have a 23 year old child. I married him because I wanted to believe he had grown up and we could get through anything together, he started that new job 1 week before we got married so I was hopeful to a fresh start. He has not touched me during sex in more than 7 years and when I finally had the courage to tell him that is a problem for me and why I don't initiate things more often he says its more proof we need to divorce as he does not find me attractive. I have struggled with my weight since having our child and accepted the porn because of my feelings of inadequacy on my looks/weight. Since he is now making double the income he has changed (like he sees that as a way to start over). Now if I offer to please him (in the fellatio sense) he is now saying I am not enticing enough, that I am acting like it's a chore..
> 
> When I feel after 28 years together I should be able to say "drop your pants" and that should be good enough considering I know he will turn on the porn and ignore me the entire time. To be clear, I have never said that to him, I would say "come on lets go fool around" and he would tell me that my offer was not enticing enough. I have made a counseling appointment with a Male counselor. I figured I needed a Male's perspective on this. I have stayed because I feel that this is the best I can get. I was 18 when we first started dating and went from my parents house to living with him. we live far away from my family and I don't have a lot of friends (he would tell me that I shouldn't have single friends because they must all be messed up or they wouldn't be single and being that we were not married and he refused to socialize with anyone I met having married friends I never found). I am scared that I will end up alone (a thousand miles from family) and worry about what could happen (I could lose my job/have an emergency) without having any support network.
> 
> ...


You're probably right about the "he feels he can do better." BUT - So can you! Seriously, you need to run away from him as fast as you can. This guy is beyond evil. And if your biggest fear is watching him be successful and with a younger woman . . . . don't you have a dream area of the country you've always wanted to live in? Most people do. Go there.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

OK, with love and compassion, here comes the 2x4 to the head. 

Girl, you need to get over all this negative self talk about yourself. 

Not to get too graphic but I have been with some larger than average women before, and for any man that is not a fool, they get a little secret that some don't. 

To a woman, they were all fabulous lovers, I mean really really good. Further, they have something that smaller girls don't have, but I will leave it at that. 

You need to wake up are realize that your H is an absolute creep. A creep that has beaten your down to nothing, and made you feel like less than nothing. 

You are entitled to half of the marital assets and support, those are the facts. 

Now if you want to lose weight because it makes you feel better, go ahead and do it. 

But you need to let this creep go, because there are men out there that will love and cherish you. And they will also want to make you sexually happy. 

I will lay odd that you are a beautiful woman, on the inside and out. You need to take him to the cleaners and find a new man. Find an young dumb one that you can train if you want. 

Loving loyal woman are in demand at any age and any size...


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