# Always On Top



## Nataliebae1 (Jan 4, 2017)

PLEASE HELP I'LL TAKE ANYTHING

First, I love having sex and I am always initiating it (wife). I could have it multiple times everyday, but my husband of 2 years can only handle two days per week at most! He never initiates it. I've tried waiting for him to initiate it and I'm not even kidding we had sex 3 times in that one month! It was awful. Not only that, if I want to have sex I have to give him a BJ first or he won't do it. I've tried sex toys of many kinds but he gets upset and throws them away and tells me it's insulting. Worst of all he has NEVER, in two years of our marriage, made me finish. After he finishes, IT'S OVER. 

Second, when we do have sex I am ALWAYS on top! I don't mind being the initiator and the controller half the time or even most of the time, but I would love for him to take control and do it hard doggy style. Something besides me on top. Unfortunately, this does not happen. I've asked him to do it other positions besides me on top, but the second I get off he turns soft and gives up. Not only that, he doesn't believe in foreplay and refuses to do it; he says it turns him off and sex is good enough. 

Lastly, how do I get him more into kissing? I love kissing and making out and it is such a turn on! However, every time I try he just bites my lip so hard it bleeds or he sticks his tongue down my throat. He doesn't ever want to roll around the bed or couch or anything and have a nice make out sesh. 

I love my husband more than anything, but he is seriously uneducated when it comes to girls and their needs. Please heeeeeeeeelp!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Get yourself a copy of  The Joy of Sex , sit down and lovingly examine it together, and just let your minds, as well as your sexual organs, go hog wild!*


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

I get how you feel.

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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

If you find the answer please let me know, I've struggled with this for 20 years. I've tried everything I could think of but my wife won't change or even discuss it.

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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Since you've only been married 2 years, I'm guessing he's no older than 30?? So, this is a bit weird. I mean, he probably doesn't have any sexual health issues yet.

If he's watching a lot of porn; that will affect how much desire he has for a flesh and blood partner. Possible? I mean 2x a week for a younger guy isn't that much, usually.

Basically, I sympathize with you. I am lucky to have sex twice a month. I have to be on top 80% [?] of the time. And, no sex toys allowed.

But we're in our fifties, so it's somewhat understandable.

The way to think is this: if he never changes, can you remain married to him and be mostly happy?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You're not alone. Some of us couples have been through similar issues. 

How old are you both? 
Is weight an issue for him? 

He needs to stop being selfish and childish, don't enable him by giving into doing stuff for him first. 
Sex is a two way street, your orgasm is important too. 
No foreplay for you, none for him. BJs are considered foreplay, tell him that! 

Sex therapy could be helpful for you both. He could lack experience, it would be a benefit to work together. 







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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Get yourself a copy of  The Joy of Sex , sit down and lovingly examine it together, and just let your minds, as well as your sexual organs, go hog wild!*



^^^^Really about the best advice there is; yet so few people will do it. Baffling, confusing, infuriating.





peterrabbit said:


> If you find the answer please let me know, I've struggled with this for* 20 years.* I've tried everything I could think of but my wife won't change or even discuss it.
> 
> Sent from my XT1060 using Tapatalk


peter,

After 20 years, there's more chance of you getting hit by a meteorite than your sex life undergoing any major changes.

Hope I am wrong, for your sake.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you think he doesn't care about pleasing you, or instead is some combination of insecure, and uncertain what to do (despite your having told him).

If he doesn't care about your enjoyment, I don't know that there is a lot you can do to make things better.

If he is just insecure maybe there is a way to make him feel better about sex? Is he able to talk about what he likes in bed, or does he not seem to have much desire for sex?


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Yes I know 

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## Nataliebae1 (Jan 4, 2017)

This makes me feel even worse how many people can relate! At least there are people to share the sympathy with...thank you everyone for your comments. I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young, I just don't know why it is so hard for him to have fun and go crazy. Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up. I'm honestly hoping he is just insecure, I'd rather him be that then me be a turn off for him. I honestly don't think I could stay faithful, emotionally he is THE MAN. Physically... I hope we can change things. I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it. Thanks again everyone.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Did you both have a good sexual relationship before you married?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Nataliebae1 said:


> He never initiates it.





> if I want to have sex I have to give him a BJ first or he won't do it.





> After he finishes, IT'S OVER.





> the second I get off he turns soft and gives up. Not only that, he doesn't believe in foreplay and refuses to do it; he says it turns him off and sex is good enough.





> Lastly, how do I get him more into kissing? I love kissing and making out and it is such a turn on!


All this points at gay to me. Maybe he is just really selfish and/or clueless. But no foreplay, doesn't like kissing, gets soft when he comes out of you and doesn't care about you finishing screams he is focusing on manass when he is with you.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I could have written a lot of this myself at your age. I went a very long time wanting to protect my DH feelings and kept a lot of my hurt and anger inside. For years, almost 20 years. 

It's likely that your DH is both a lower drive individual as well as being sexually immature. A person with a lower sex drive does not have the fabtasies, need for sex, desire for variety, need or want the foreplay that higher sexed people do. 

However, even a person with a lower sex drive is capable of understanding that when 2 people have sex it should be mutually beneficial. One person feeling they are no more than a masturbation device for the other is going to create long term hardship and resentment. 

I solved my problem a couple of ways. For one I got to the point where I was ready to divorce over the sexual issues in my marriage. For two I told my DH to never lay a hand on me again unless this was going to be a mutually satisfying encounter. Then I would not allow any PIV sex until I'd had an orgasm. He could do it or I would. But it was going to happen. 

That was over 3 years ago and things are much different now. I had to grow up sexually as well. I had to learn all kinds of things about having sex with a partner. Before I could be making a grocery list while I was on top - there was absolutely no reason for me to involve myself more than that. Actually having an orgasm with a partner took a lot more concentration and trial and error and much more emotional intimacy than I would have thought. 

My advice to you would be to not wait for 18 years like I did! Missed out on a lot of good sex by refusing to stand up for myself.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are some people, men and women, with very little interest in sex. (lots of threads on that on this site). It rarely gets better.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Nataliebae1 said:


> I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young



You _are_ young. So low testosterone, diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure can be ruled out. . . right?

Is he on anti-depressants? They are infamous for lessening libido. My H's sex drive was waning; when he started taking anti-depressants and high-blood-pressure meds; it took a complete nosedive.



> Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up.



Is your H significantly overweight? IOW, is his body image poor?

Sorry to ask this again; but does he use porn often?




> I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it.



Is it any good [so far]? I don't know if I should bother reading it now; but ya' never know, I might learn something that might help. It has drawings, not photographs.....right?


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

He seems to treat sex like it is taboo. When you posted he pulls up is pants when he gets an erection - sounds like embarrassment. How was his childhood? Strict parents? Was he abused in any way as a child? Is he very religious, whatever your faiths may be?

This is not normal for a 26 yo's libido. And without professional help he isn't going to change. So the question you have as a 22 yo is whether this is how you want to spend the next 50-60 years?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Nataliebae1 said:


> This makes me feel even worse how many people can relate! At least there are people to share the sympathy with...thank you everyone for your comments. I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young, I just don't know why it is so hard for him to have fun and go crazy. Sometimes after I give him an erection he will just pull his pants back on and cover up. I'm honestly hoping he is just insecure, I'd rather him be that then me be a turn off for him. I honestly don't think I could stay faithful, emotionally he is THE MAN. Physically... I hope we can change things. I even downloaded The Joy of Sex and have begun reading it. Thanks again everyone.


 @Nataliebae1 reading books on sexuality and how to enjoy it more will likely be frustrating and cause more fights when your husband fails to respond to new ideas. You need to work on improving trust and communication in your marriage. 

It sounds like to me that your husband is struggling with some form of shame. During sex most people seek some sort of validation (feeling loved, knowing they please their partner, knowing their partner wants to please them, etc.), but for whatever reason your husband seems to have some sort of anxiety associated with this. 

It is very possible some of his first sexual experiences were traumatic for him. Imagine this scenario... as a young boy he discovered masturbation in a very nontraditional way using his star wars wookie halloween costume, and his siblings discovered this and shamed him in front of everyone at school for it. In high school, I remember all too well the girl that everyone called "pickle" and it went on for years! The rumors were that she tried using a pickle to see what a penis would feel like. Fast forward into the future and these traumas can give someone a great deal of anxiety with feeling comfortable about their own sexuality in marriage. 

You going to have to talk to him and try to get him to open up about his past. Perhaps you could share something very embarrassing about yourself with him to see if he relates and that helps him to open up to you about it. 

So you can see how reading a book to make sex more enjoyable may cause frustration if you have a problem of this nature lurking beneath the surface. Who knows, your husband could have been reading a "book" about sex and had that stolen from him by his peers and they then used that to ridicule him. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Roxxolid (Jul 29, 2015)

Much respect to you for being open to talking to him and reaching out for help. 

My first thought is to ask you, does he tell you he loves you and that he values your relationship? I'm just going to say that I was in a marriage years ago that wasn't done for the right reasons, I. E. We each had different levels of love for each other and just avoided the discussion. Finally I realized that it was obvious that we were very good friends but not the proper life partners. So, if this is the case for you, I would encourage you to confront him about the core of your relationship. All the rest of the symptoms you describe him having really won't matter if you find out he doesn't really want you, will it? Sorry to be so abrupt but many marriages are made from " settling for easy." 

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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Don't have kids with this man.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

You can't wave a Magic wand and poof, he does what I want. You need to understand him. Why does he have a low sex drive? Is it low testosterone, health problems, depression, is he having an affair, insecurity, or maybe he just has a low libido. 

If sex is really important to you, then it's your responsibility to make it clear to him in a constructive way. You can figure out the cause of his low libido. Or if he doesn't care that your needs aren't being met, and he refuses to change, then you need to ask yourself if sexual incompatibly is worth divorcing over. 

If you can't stay faithful, then divorce. 

Another thing is... men's sexuality can be just as complicated as women's. a lot of time it's rooted in their ego and self esteem. A man needs to feel like a man. If he feels emasculated, that is a turn off. Sometimes when a man is partnered with a women that has a higher sex drive then them...it could be embarrassing, make them feel less of a man, make them feel like they can't satisfy you and all these things mess with a guys ego and in turns messes with their ability to get an erection. 

As a side note: a lot of men have affairs because they meet a women that makes them feel like a man. And after years of their wives making them feel inadequate, this is a powerful aphrodisiac. So my point is... sexuality is more complicated than we realize.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

This is something big in his life. He could be gay, he might have an exclusive fetish attraction for something he does not want to broach with you or maybe you can't even help with, or he has some serious psychological issues based on shame or trauma. What could possible make a man not want to assume the role of the man in intimacy?

While I get variety in sex life, any man that does not like, at least once and a while, to take the lead and even physically dominate, albeit it gently, in sex has to be having issues. 

And him not being open to you about what this is, will always limit the relationship, and eventually cause a lot of misery. Him being open about it may well end the marriage. Either way, you must be strong and get to the bottom of this. Demand he explain it. Look at the numbers--most men will want to initiate sex every day when they are young if they can get away with it. Weekly sex is typical for couples of most ages. 

Require him to go to a year of IC with a therapist that can talk about sex and gender issues. And if he can't show progress leave him before the bitterness of a sexless life permanently becomes a part of you. Set a drop dead date for progress and follow through. Save yourself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, the wrong person is reading 'The Joy of Sex'. Give it to your husband and tell him you want a book report by Sunday. Make sure you tell him that things need to change because you want to be married to him forever and the way things are going it doesn't look like the two of you will make it.


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## Nataliebae1 (Jan 4, 2017)

He is overweight, but not badly. I don't think it's confidence issues as he is completely fine strutting around the house naked and twerking (sorry for that image). It's just when we get into bed he turns into a completely different person.

Surprisingly I'm the one who's on antidepressants (Lexapro) and although my sex drive has gone down hill, it is still more than my husbands. As far as I know he does not watch porn nor masturbate. However, I'm starting to think it's time I do. 

I read the preview and I didn't like it. It was all about the authors and their qualifications. I was hoping for something else like a chapter or a free section, but no luck.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Here's a better book, that has great illustrations and is full of information. It covers just about anything sexual you can think of.

https://www.amazon.com/Guide-Gettin...coding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=2P8YMEHEKBWMSQ64KJBP

There are several editions of this book, this is the most recent one. But any previous edition is going to be just as good, trust me, so buy which ever one suits you.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Has he every shown significant sexual interest in anything or anyone? Do you think he is just not sexually attracted to you (not your fault if that is the case!) or not attracted to anyone?

What is his reaction to sex scenes in movies? I've noticed that my (nearly asexual) wife seems to just roll her eyes when a sex scene appears in TV or movies - "sigh, I guess they had to put in a sex scene". 







Nataliebae1 said:


> He is overweight, but not badly. I don't think it's confidence issues as he is completely fine strutting around the house naked and twerking (sorry for that image). It's just when we get into bed he turns into a completely different person.
> 
> Surprisingly I'm the one who's on antidepressants (Lexapro) and although my sex drive has gone down hill, it is still more than my husbands. As far as I know he does not watch porn nor masturbate. However, I'm starting to think it's time I do.
> 
> I read the preview and I didn't like it. It was all about the authors and their qualifications. I was hoping for something else like a chapter or a free section, but no luck.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Nataliebae1 said:


> I am 22 and he is 26 so we are young, I just don't know why it is so hard for him to have fun and go crazy.


Don't give up yet. It may be hard to believe, but it's very likely that your sex drive will go down as you get older, have kids, and life gets busy. There are 1000's of threads here from men who say "we did it all the time when we got married, but after kids she has lost interest."

So if he's a good man and you can see yourself married to him forever, give it some time. At 22, your sex drive has not settled down. When you're older and after you've been together for a while, you'll likely find your drive is likely different than it is now. You may get more in sync as the years go on.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Amazon has great reviews for books. Read the reviews to get a feel for what the book offers.

Honestly, it sounds like your husband is the laziest lover ever. Walking around naked and twerking - who is he putting on a show for? You know the real score. Try not initiating for a month and see if he notices. If he does and initiates himself, tell him he'll have to do the work for a change because his free ride is over.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Question- Did you by chance have a lot more sexual experience than him before you two were together?
Perhaps he feels inferior and like he doesn't know what he is doing, and rather than learning, he is taking the easy way out.

Open, honest, frequent communication on the matter is your best friend in this situation. I'm in an identical situation, and we are trying really hard to figure it out.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

After 20 years said:


> WRONG!!!!!
> We have been married for nearly 39 years, and we NEVER let it get stale. We are in our 60's, and have come to realize that the number and quality of her orgasms have changed...FOR THE BETTER. When we were newlyweds, we would struggle for her to come once. Ten years later, we discovered multiple orgasms. Twenty years in, we introduced toys and kept it interesting. Now almost forty years in, we are dealing with her incredible (I would give up a few years of my life to have the number of orgasms she has). Just this week, we discovered that she orgasms from anilingus. We experiment with technique. We experiment with different areas (new fave is in front of the fireplace-with candles everywhere-I got rug burns on both knees). We are planning a Caribbean cruise, she wants a balcony suite, so we can **** as the ocean goes past us. Nothing turns you on more than hearing these words:"Honey, you just made me come from......"
> 
> Folks, if you saw us, you wouldn't suspect, except that she literally has to peel me off of her occasionally. At 62 I am having the time of my life. I have lost most of my weight, she has always been the hottest woman in the room. At 62, I still just start undressing her at random times. At 62, the thought of going home and making love, makes my day. You have to always be a kid or rather a teenager when it comes to sex. I don't want a marriage like my parents'. I don't want a marriage like her parents. I want a marriage where we have a gigantic secret; When we are making love , we are teenagers all over again. (Don't laugh, but we still go parking, except when we were 19, I had a 72 Dodge Polara, which could accommodate enough room for us on the back seat (I called it the Land-Yacht), now we are scrunched into the front seat of my Audi. (Damn stick-shift nearly went up my a**)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did your sex life start out good?



Taxman said:


> WRONG!!!!!
> We have been married for nearly 39 years, and we NEVER let it get stale. We are in our 60's, and have come to realize that the number and quality of her orgasms have changed...FOR THE BETTER. When we were newlyweds, we would struggle for her to come once. Ten years later, we discovered multiple orgasms. Twenty years in, we introduced toys and kept it interesting. Now almost forty years in, we are dealing with her incredible (I would give up a few years of my life to have the number of orgasms she has). Just this week, we discovered that she orgasms from anilingus. We experiment with technique. We experiment with different areas (new fave is in front of the fireplace-with candles everywhere-I got rug burns on both knees). We are planning a Caribbean cruise, she wants a balcony suite, so we can **** as the ocean goes past us. Nothing turns you on more than hearing these words:"Honey, you just made me come from......"


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

When we were first married, we were relatively inexperienced, but sex was great. I believe it got better and hotter post menopause. The change brings about increased male hormone in the female bloodstream, and is responsible for libido. The orgasm rate went off the charts and, we must admit, it is like a shiny toy. We play with it constantly.:grin2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think that for people who fundamentally enjoy sex, it is possible to keep it great for your entire lives.

For people who do not have a basic desire for sex, it is unlikely to every get better. 




Taxman said:


> When we were first married, we were relatively inexperienced, but sex was great. I believe it got better and hotter post menopause. The change brings about increased male hormone in the female bloodstream, and is responsible for libido. The orgasm rate went off the charts and, we must admit, it is like a shiny toy. We play with it constantly.:grin2:


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