# Wife is determined to divorce but seems torn about missing me



## Whatsright86 (Jun 24, 2017)

Hello everyone

My wife and I married about 2 years ago, we have no kids. 1-2 weeks ago my wife and I were on the verge of agreeing on a divorce. In short, she didn't think I was good enough. As a last resort, I started the 180.

Yesterday she obviously felt I was more distant and told me "it seems like you're not too happy with me...and I'm not happy as well, so let's file for divorce." I said, "ok let's talk then".

We then had a short discussion on what needs to be done, what are the plans for the house, etc...

After about 15minutes, it seemed like we covered everything, so I got up and told her I had to go out to meet a friend (I told her before already so it's not me escaping the conversation).

Right before I head out the door, I glance at her and she's staring at me with tear filled eyes. I stop and just stare back at her to see what she would do.

She walked up to me and hugged me, and with more tears rolling down her cheeks she tells me "I will really miss you..."

I told her "well it doesn't have to be this way..." (in hindsight, I probably shouldn't have said that...)

She doesn't respond and just wipes her tears.

I then just said goodbye and left.


Now...I'm super confused because it seems like she still wants me but yet she's the one pushing for divorce?

I come back after meeting my friend and find that she left a note on the table along with divorce papers that were applied 2 months ago...so I guess it really is over

A part of me is just nagging me that there's still a chance...I don't think I'll ever forget her face when she said that...just feeling so conflicted


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Check you phone bill. Usually this kind of situation the wife is cheating.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There could be another man.
Or she could just legitimately be in limbo.

If she hasn't decided firmly on keeping the marriage, then you may as well carry on with divorce. You don't want a partner who is half invested or unsure.

She's just considering the fallout. Women don't like to be without a solid foundation. So, she's either contemplating whether the OM (IF he exists) can provide stability enough, OR she is thinking about whether she can survive on her own, and is scared. In either way, the best way to handle it IMO, is to not reassure her. Don't give her false hope. Encourage her to handle things on her own. Divorcing means you move on, not cling for dear life. When she says "I'll miss you" just say, "you'll be fine." 

That's life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Whether or not she's seeing another man can usually always be found out through due examination of her phone/texting bill or through her social media!

Notwithstanding, her emotions of conscience of you having had been there for her during the tenure of your relationship or of her finally embracing her new "Plan A" are, no doubt, tearfully coming out!

Continue through with "the 180" as well as the divorce!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Married two years ago?

Sounds like she settled...for you. Hoping that her love would grow.

It did not. She cried because she is not a potato, she has normal feelings. Just not enough to keep her in the marriage.
....................................................................................................................................................
-or-

She may have someone else. 
She may still have feelings for an ex boyfriend [spouse, whatever?].
She may still be carrying baggage from another relationship that is keeping her love meter stuck at some low level.

The fact that she got the divorce papers two months ago means prior intent. Did she tell you many months ago that she is unhappy in the marriage?
Or did she spring this on you out of the blue?

It may be that she is a Walk-Away Wife who petered out before the first bloom appeared on the rose. 

Is someone pressuring her? Family members, friends?

Lastly, does she have Good Cause to bail on your marriage. Did you hurt her in some way?

Just Sayin'


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This is just a way of keeping you around in case her other plans or man doesn't work out.You are being manipulated and unless there is something else that you haven't elaborated on,affairs,abuse or addiction problems maybe,then I can't see any reason for you to pander to her whims.
Turning on the waterworks is her feeling sorry for herself,not for you.By keeping you in a confused state she gets all her ducks in a row,her having the divorce papers drawn up two months ago screams manipulation.


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## Whatsright86 (Jun 24, 2017)

Thanks everyone...

I think SunCMars hit the nail on the head:



> Sounds like she settled...for you. Hoping that her love would grow.
> 
> It did not. She cried because she is not a potato, she has normal feelings. Just not enough to keep her in the marriage.


She has been unhappy for a long time, but she kept putting the blame on me for ridiculous reasons...like pointing to a tall guy and saying how she wish I was taller. The only pressure she's feeling from friends is actually staying in marriage because outside people can see that I've been really good to her That's the part that stings me the most. It's like she's purposely sabotaging our marriage and not appreciating all the good things we have.

The only good cause for her to bail is our sex. We haven't been able to do the full deed for the past 5 years because of my ED. It was a vicious cycle when I would get so much pressure from it that caused me not to perform properly, which would further add on the pressure etcetc. We tried different methods but the problem remained. It was only until about 3 months ago that I discovered NoFap and stopped any pornography. For the first time, we were able to do the full deed about 2 months ago, but I guess that was too late.

Life really sucks now but thanks for everyone’s support.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe your ED is because she is a ****ty partner who treats you like crap. Maybe if you had a partner who loved you you wouldn't have a problem.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Whatsright86 said:


> Thanks everyone...
> 
> I think SunCMars hit the nail on the head:
> 
> ...


Your ed is not a new problem and existed before you got married. She knew what she had in you when you got married so the "too late" analogy really doesn't fly. 

Chronically unhappy people tend to find reasons to stay unhappy and often look for quick fixes to be happy instead of reflecting on the core issue and that's why they feel unhappy. Too many times they run instead of fixing problems. 

Her mixed signals aren't all that mixed. Part of it is her convincing herself that this is for the best, you must want the divorce since you've been agreeable.


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## sputniksweettart (Sep 19, 2017)

I'm currently just trying to be the healthy man I used to be and that I can be again, and if one day my wife is willing to come back to the table in a healthier state herself—having at least started on a path toward fixing some of her persisting problems from before we even met—then I'll probably always at least consider starting over. 

I won't ever come back to how things were, however. She filed divorce, but I was desperately unhappy as well. 

Relationships are fluid, OP, and even if she was initially settling for you, or thought she was, the world could show her that her life with you is better than anything anyone else is going to provide to her. You can't do anything about your height—and her commenting on things like that are indicative of someone who is herself in a chaotic and unhealthy mindset—but if you list out some of her criticisms, maybe some of the things she said you could improve upon so you yourself could live more happily or healthily with or without her. If you work on your overall attraction level, and maybe tend to some insecurities—and I definitely have them, too—then down the road she definitely might want to try again with you. 

But try's the big word. If she's not willing to try, even if she wants you back then it's likely going to be another big disappointment because even if you're willing to be unfulfilled in exchange for keeping her, she'll probably get so frustrated with living with her own follies that she'll scrap the relationship again because a person wanting to end a relationship isn't always rationality-based or worried about justice or accountability. If you really love her, and I understand if you do, then make yourself rock solid so if she changes her mind then you can be foundation for changing herself for the better. And if she doesn't change her mind, then at least you're rock solid now, and it's making your life better anyway!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

She says she's going to miss you and has two month old divorce papers waiting on your return?

You don't see the dissonance with that?


Her tears are for whatever reason, but not from you leaving.
Don't be confused. Move forward.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Of course she'll miss the good parts of your relationship. But that doesn't mean the bad parts don't still outweigh them for her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You neglected her sexual needs for 5 years. She's gone, let her go and be happy. Hell, you didn't even tell us about your ED issues until the second post and describe it as "her only good cause to bail". Being able to get erect and bone your wife is one of the main aspects of a marriage. 

Get your health in good order and go find a new woman to start over. It's not that bad, most of us posting in this thread have been there, including me. A clean start and a redo at life is refreshing. A lot of people don't do it and live with regret to their grave. Life is an adventure, where you learn from mistakes and live life to the fullest. Go buy that a new truck or old hot rod, a harley road king, or that Rolex submariner watch that you've been wanting for a while. Good luck!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

It may seem counterintuitive.

But, drive the divorce - relentlessly.

See what she does.

You give defiant people that they want - UNTIL they tell you they don't want it.

Proceed with confidence.

I have a feeling you'll be surprised by the outcome.


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