# I Lied, I Cheated, Now I'm Losing My Mind



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

*I Lied, I Cheated, Now I'm Losing My Mind (I confessed to my husband 9/12/13)*

I really can't believe I'm on here, but it's time I told my story and tried to seek answers on how to move on with my life and possibly my marriage.

Back story on my husband and I:

My husband and I met at a night club and then two weeks later we were married. Sounds like a fairytale right? I sure thought I was the luckiest woman in the world that day. A month prior my husband and I both had ended relationships and I even had rebound sex with another ex-boyfriend who we'll call PS because he's the reason I'm on here. So a month after my wedding PS called and of course I broke the news to him that I was married and he lost it over the phone using profanities and saying to have a nice life with my husband.

It didn't stop there. For the next two weeks PS was leaving me incessant voice mails on my phone at night crying over "losing me" and keep in mind we'd been a non-item for two years at this point. However in July 2008 PS proposed to me, I moved in September 2008 back to our city, he ignored me for 3 days then revealed he had a secret to tell me, I get to our meet up spot, and here come his mom, sister, and girlfriend. It was awkward, but PS wouldn't end things with me so his entire family became angry with him. Despite all that we continued to talk and started a sexual relationship.

My friend ended up having to tell PS two months after I was married to leave me alone and stop trying to ruin my marriage. So consistently so far PS has contacted me whenever he's single (sometimes even when he's in a relationship) to see how I'm doing. Regularly if my husband isn't around we'll spend up to 5-6 hours on the phone typically at night just gabbing about life.

PS called me one evening in late September 2010; he was down the street from where I lived and we met up and stood outside talking for 20 minutes while my husband was inside, but PS became angry and said that my husband was controlling me too much because I told him I was afraid my husband would come looking for me. We met up again in December 2010 which was after I kept seeing him, alone, at the local train stations in our city and most of the time he would ignore me. We bumped into each other in April 2011 downtown and that's when the phone calls started again. My husband was suspicious, but let it go or so I thought. In May 2011 my husband ran off to some woman's house he met on the party line and turned his phone off for 4 hours. I freaked out and called the police then my husband showed up out of nowhere. 

My husband started hiding his phone and I found it a week after he ran off and called the other woman. She told me they engaged in sexual acts. Things became heated and I split from my husband and moved back in with my parents. What's surprising is my husband agreed to move back in with my parents two weeks after I was gone. We went to one couples therapy session in which my husband walked out.

In July 2011 out of nowhere PS called me on his birthday asking if we could meet up for sex because it was his birthday. I told him no and hung up. My husband was then arrested for drinking in public and having warrants in November 2011 right after I started working again (honestly I believe it was on purpose because my husband never wants me to work; he's our sole provider right now). This led to me texting back and forth with PS all month long. My husband came home in December 2011 and I was sick with gallstones and losing tons of weight. My husband made it very hard on me to adjust to the new diet I was forced to be on.

Of course during this time I told PS once again to beat it, but my husband wasn't there for me. By January 2012 my husband was back in jail. PS told me to leave him alone during this time. My husband came home in March 2012 and I had surgery to remove my gallbladder. My husband was disappearing to the train stations again drinking himself into stupors. I had no time to recuperate from surgery and went to the Family Courthouse and picked up divorce papers and by this time it was April 2012. PS texted me saying he had a baby on the way with a woman and he was so ecstatic to be a dad despite him not working and still living with his mom. This shocked me mostly because I was given a diagnosis of female infertility in May 2009 with little hope of conceiving naturally and PS knew this.

I congratulated him and said he needed to clean up his act because he had a good example to set now. My husband went back to jail in May 2012 and PS was texting and calling regularly now. There we always times during our exchanges when PS would drop off the face of the Earth and by mid June 2012 he was a gone again. He popped up again when my husband came home in July 2012 and I told him to buzz off because I was trying to make things work.

Now to the big problem which is happening now:

In May 2012 I found a full time job. I worked there until October 2012 when I was fired. I hadn't heard from PS since July 2012 and all attempts to contact him since were NOT returned. As a matter of fact his sister said he and his child's mom were in a relationship that was going great and to leave him alone. So the day I was fired in October guess who starts texting me again? PS! He went full on with major apologizes for ignoring, for treating me badly back throughout the years, he's in love with, he can't forget me, he wants us to have children together and is willing to do fertility treatments, etc. He laid it on thick and I was stunned.

By this time my husband and I were in our own apartment again and things were going ok, but my husband was still hanging out and drinking in public with good for nothing friends. I knew something had to be up PS's sleeves so I found his child's mom on Facebook and she had no idea PS was doing this. On top of that they were planning on moving in together and she was financially supporting PS who to this day is still unemployed and living with his mom.

I played some of the voice mail messages to my husband who called PS's child's mom and told her what was going on. This didn't deter PS. 

Since I was newly unemployed I had a lot of time on my hands. PS and I would stay talking on the phone and/or texting pretty much all night. He said he wasn't in a relationship with his child's mom and he couldn't stand her. I told him about my husband's arrests and him meeting up with that woman from the party line.

So in November 2012 the police were called to my apartment because my husband was very drunk and flipping out. This has since become a pattern. I finally had enough when on the day after Thanksgiving 2012 my husband and his friend took the keys to my car (I bought with money from my job) and went to pick up some girls. During this time PS and I were texting and making plans to maybe meet up. I heard my husband telling some laughing girl to be quiet outside my window and I flew out the door. It all went to hell from there.

I took the keys to my car, got in, and took off to PS's house. I knew what I was about to do and to this day I know it was wrong, but PS and I ended up having sex that night. We had sex again a week and a half later too.

So in December 2012 PS began hounding me like I'd never seen before. The "I Love You's" were nonstop, the texts, calls, and his desire for me to divorce and move in with him were overbearing. PS became super clingy calling day and night every 30 minutes. He wanted me to move in with him and be his girlfriend. I even tried to friend zone PS which didn't work immediately. PS pursued me like this (adamantly telling me to divorce) until March 2013. Each and every time I rejected him.

So in March of this year PS got the picture and called his other ex girlfriend up (this girl cheated on him in the past) and they rekindled relationship. I was in college during this time so I was busy, but I noticed he was calling me less and less. He told me right away he had a girlfriend he was giving a second chance too and they were in love. In April 2013 PS told me he and his girlfriend are planning on getting married in June 2013. During this same month the, "I love you's" from my ex to me continued. He would even text me while his girlfriend was asleep next to him and it would sexual stuff. The tone of the phone calls changed to: "you should've gotten a divorce then we'd be together, but you didn't so now I'm marrying someone else."

One night in April 2013 I told PS I'm in love with my husband and he lost it. PS ignored me for two weeks and I had to message his sister to get him to tell me what's going on. His sister said, "you're out of luck PS is with someone else." That night (beginning of May 2013) PS called and we talked for 6 hours. He reaffirmed that yes he's getting married, but he still wants us to have children together no matter what. PS also said be saying I'm in love with my husband sickens him because I'm trying to act like I never cheated on my husband with him. PS said the back and forth needs to stop. PS also asked if I was down for a three some which I declined and told me he's a sex addict who can never be alone with me again because it will just lead to sex. PS also affirmed his love for his "wife" and stated he would never lie to her. He also said he's marrying the "one."

I then told PS during the same phone conversation that I'm at the train stations on specific days and times. I'd been following the same schedule for 16 weeks at this point and I'd never seen him there even though it's close to his house. Well a week goes by and my ex texts me sparingly, but when he does texts it's usually late at night. I ignored those late night texts then they stopped. I texted him, jokingly, that I'd met someone else and I was planning on separating from my husband. I heard no response and two days later I'm getting off the train and who comes off the other train with his girlfriend in tow? PS! He refused to make eye contact with me.

Long story short I asked PS for a cigarette after 10 awkward minutes and he goes, "oh, hey! I was wondering when you were going to say something to me." PS then proceeds to introduce me to his girlfriend and vice versa using our first names only. PS was still avoiding eye contact. I start staring his girlfriend down and she returns my stares. I move away from them then they start making out. When they stopped PS's girlfriend continues to glare at me. Our trains came and I went home.

Now for the latest update:

It's been a week and a half since PS introduced me to his girlfriend and I haven't heard from him. I went onto a social networking site and found a profile PS's girlfriend made where she states PS and she are getting married shortly this year. My blood boiled and I exploded with the truth on her page. I told her everything that's been going on and about me being married and sleeping with PS. I also told her about the phone calls, his proposal to me which went nowhere, and like I said EVERYTHING. The girlfriend hasn't checked the page yet, but she was on there as of last week. I feel like I should've said something to her face, but I doubted they were getting married since PS is unemployed, she's 5 years younger than him, and they both live at home with their moms. Also the girlfriend is not his child's mother.

It boils my blood even more knowing that PS just might go on and have a happy marriage even though his girlfriend is also a cheater. I don't know where to go from here, but I'm starting therapy (alone) very soon here. I had to get this all out. As for ages PS and I are 1 year apart in age and he's older. My husband is 4 years older than me. We're all (including the girlfriend) in our early 20's to late 20's. 

I truly do wish I'd listened to my friend when she told me all PS was trying to do was ruin my marriage. Looks like he may have succeeded, but my husband doesn't know PS and I had sex five months ago. My husband provides for me which PS has said numerous times he's unable to do and that he would never be a good husband to me.

I guess my question is where do I go from here emotionally? Physically I'm still with my husband, but I feel like I've weathered a self-imposed bad storm. I feel like an idiot for even reacting over a grown man with no job, no car, no home,etc. 

*UPDATE:

On 9/12/13 at 6:08PM I confessed to my husband over the phone that I cheated on him in November 2012 with my ex. I'm at my parents currently after filing a restraining order today against my husband that won't go into effect until tomorrow when I go back to the court house.

I haven't filed for a separation yet. Things have been terrible between us. Last night my husband was detained by the police for threatening one our neighbors with a knife. He was really drunk so they brought him home. I finally had enough and that's why I filed the restraining order.

I asked him tonight if he wants to go to counseling, stay married, or what and he said it's up to me. Right now I'm waiting for him to call me back after I confessed to cheating.

I'll give him full disclosure. I believe he and I are done. 

I'll update after he calls back.*


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

What a clusterf*ck!!


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*I guess my question is where do I go from here emotionally? Physically*

How about a divorce?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

hmmm......................wow. This must be fake??? or is this some kind of future episode of jersey shore?? I feel like I just wasted a 10 minutes of my life. I'm sorry but people cant be this immature in there 20's??? can they?


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

Wow, just. . . 

Here it is:

You've been involved in an EA/PA from the very start of your marriage. You have never honored your vows and your marriage has been a fake.

Your husband is a provider for you, your paycheck and that's all. And the main reason why you want to stay in this marriage is that your bad boy lover is a loser and your husband puts a roof over your head. You don't love him, and he's an alcoholic.

My advice? Probably don't want to hear it. Get a divorce and get as far away from both of these men as possible, because this entire threesome is nothing but toxic. Start over with the wreck you have made of each others' lives.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

You are living in some twisted tv show.

Simple solution is that all of you live together. 
That would be fun.

Maybe fix up a webcam and telecast it online. Easy way to a quick million.

Sorry but this whole story is simply so twisted. All of you are using sex like its some sort of a thing you need to do to get even with one another.


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## holycowe (Apr 7, 2013)

Sounds like 14-16 year old, all parties in your story. 
PS must have a big tool down there. Or PS stand for porn star?
I need to know before I can help you.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

I think your first mistake was getting married to someone who you meet 2 weeks earlier 

I am not really sure there is anything worth saving


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> Wow, just. . .
> 
> Here it is:
> 
> ...


What's an EA/PA?

I'm in school, it's summer now, but I'm working towards getting my degree so I can be self-sufficient once again. 

All my relationships thus far have been toxic.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> I think your first mistake was getting married to someone who you meet 2 weeks earlier
> 
> I am not really sure there is anything worth saving


I don't think there's anything worth saving either. I just can't walk away from it all because my parents actually like my husband, but they also know I'm unhappy. They'll support me in whatever I decide to do.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

holycowe said:


> Sounds like 14-16 year old, all parties in your story.
> PS must have a big tool down there. Or PS stand for porn star?
> I need to know before I can help you.


No, PS are his initials.

He doesn't have a big tool trust me.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

im_tam said:


> You are living in some twisted tv show.
> 
> Simple solution is that all of you live together.
> That would be fun.
> ...


PS has suggested we all go out on a double date and since he's already introduced me to his girlfriend I think he's dead serious. My husband would kick his butt though.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I don't think there's anything worth saving either. I just can't walk away from it all because my parents actually like my husband, but they also know I'm unhappy. They'll support me in whatever I decide to do.


Maybe cut your losses and move back in with them

Do you work now

Also cut contact with PS, he is an arse


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Thumper said:


> hmmm......................wow. This must be fake??? or is this some kind of future episode of jersey shore?? I feel like I just wasted a 10 minutes of my life. I'm sorry but people cant be this immature in there 20's??? can they?


Jersey Shore is off the air so no. Sorry you feel like you wasted your time. Yes, people really are this immature in their 20's.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Maybe cut your losses and move back in with them
> 
> Do you work now


No, but I'm in college full time working towards becoming a teacher. I already have 20 credits under my belt.

The plan for now is to move back in with my parents. I'm just sad to lose my marriage because at one time it meant so much to me even though I was talking to PS.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> What a clusterf*ck!!


I know.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I'm sorry I honestly thought this might be a joke, we do get trolls in here just to piss people off. 

Anyways, there are no relationships here, a marriage after 2 weeks??? Alcoholics, cheaters, pregnant (doing the math) teenager, some kid that thinks he's an adult - but cant keep a job, harasses someone else's wife, lives at home-. and you sleep with him. Honestly, looking at it now you cant be making this stuff up, theres a Hollywood movie in here somewhere.

Get a hold of yourself, can you get an annulment? or divorce. Set some goals for yourself, stay on the path, and finish one thing at a time. You sound like you cant be alone, you have some boundry issues, and you could prob use some therapy. Are you an only child?

GET AWAY FROM ALL THESE PEOPLE, your so young and you've already cheated on a spouse (not much of a spouse), your already making mistakes than can affect the rest of your life. I don't even know where to start. Its an EPIC mess.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Thumper said:


> I'm sorry I honestly thought this might be a joke, we do get trolls in here just to piss people off.
> 
> Anyways, there are no relationships here, a marriage after 2 weeks??? Alcoholics, cheaters, pregnant (doing the math) teenager, some kid that thinks he's an adult - but cant keep a job, harasses someone else's wife, lives at home-. and you sleep with him. Honestly, looking at it now you cant be making this stuff up, theres a Hollywood movie in here somewhere.
> 
> ...


I realized because I'm new on here and never posted before that this could look like a troll post. Sorry for that I just found this site tonight.

Yes, I can get an annulment however my mind is stuck on a legal separation which would honestly be a waste of time, but I'm not ready to completely let go yet. 

Before I got married everyone told me it was a mistake and not to, but that just made me want to do it even more. 

I'm not an only child, but I do feel abnormal from my siblings because they all have children and I'm not the youngest either. That's one reason why I'm staying in my marriage because it gives me some type of emotional blockage from seeing my siblings living their lives and I'm just stuck going to college. Not having children makes me feel immature and left behind.

My husband's drinking problem is bad and it won't go away. I tried marriage counseling before I physically cheated and it didn't work. The therapist said we're on two different pages and to get out, but I wouldn't listen.

Before and after I met my husband I felt aimless. Now I see that getting my education is the only way to go. My parents already know the marriage won't last after I get my degree and my mom is trying to soften the blow by telling me I tried my hardest. I don't have the heart to tell any of my family members I cheated because it's shameful.

PS is a child. He's just as immature as me maybe even worse because he's only ever worked under the table and has never paid taxes to the government like an adult (I have). PS has never owned a car: I have. PS has never lived away from his mom; I have. For someone his age he's done absolutely nothing to secure a bright future. PS is probably set in his ways and I'll lose absolutely nothing by walking away from him; I'll probably gain a few brain cells in the end.

There aren't any teenage pregnancies here. PS's child's mother is 10 years older than he and I so she's in her mid 30's. I believe she's walked away from his mess as well, but not completely since they have a child together.

All this drama is Hollywood like, but sadly it's my reality.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

I would get a divorce, finish college and don't see any of them anymore


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Well your enabling your husband, so he WONT get better. 

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm sorry but until you start taking better care of your needs, not wants, this isn't gonna end pretty.

We'd all love for our marriages to work out, this site has 10's of thousands, struggling with issues far easier than what you've got in front of you and still cant make it work. Really, do yourself a favor before you waste another day of your life, move on.

Sounds like you've been warned by everyone that cares about you, now take it from strangers that have no time, desire, or stake in your your life. They're all saying the same thing, GET OUT NOW.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I'm just sad to lose my marriage because at one time it meant so much to me even though I was talking to PS.


If it meant so much to you why were you talking with PS.

Get your priorities right.
You are either married or you are not.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

im_tam said:


> If it meant so much to you why were you talking with PS.
> 
> Get your priorities right.
> You are either married or you are not.


I think because of the sex PS and I had a 6 weeks prior to me getting married and the fact that we talked for almost two weeks after until he disappeared (again) had me second guessing whether I made the right choice by getting married so quickly once he reappeared a month after I was married. 

Trust me I'm married, I acknowledge that I'm married, but my emotions are elsewhere.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> I would get a divorce, finish college and don't see any of them anymore


This is really what I need to do. It just sucks going back to my single life, but I know I can do it.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Well your enabling your husband, so he WONT get better.
> 
> The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over but expecting different results. I'm sorry but until you start taking better care of your needs, not wants, this isn't gonna end pretty.
> 
> ...


I will. Lately I keep asking my husband how come we couldn't have stayed boyfriend and girlfriend for at least a year. Getting married really was the wrong move, but I had to find out the hard way.


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> What's an EA/PA?
> 
> I'm in school, it's summer now, but I'm working towards getting my degree so I can be self-sufficient once again.
> 
> All my relationships thus far have been toxic.


EA = emotional affair

PA = physical affair

You have never cut PS out of your life, which is why I've called this an ongoing EA which becomes a PA off and on.

You have a lot of searching to do to ask yourself why all your relationships have been so toxic. You say you can't stand PS, but there's something about him that attracts you, so what is it?


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## PreRaphaelite (Dec 15, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I think because of the sex PS and I had a 6 weeks prior to me getting married and the fact that we talked for almost two weeks after until he disappeared (again) had me second guessing whether I made the right choice by getting married so quickly once he reappeared a month after I was married.
> 
> Trust me I'm married, I acknowledge that I'm married, but my emotions are elsewhere.


So it sounds like you never really thought of yourself as married. you never really made the commitment. It was just a nice thing for a while that you took as seriously as you did the next novelty in your life.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Get the annulment, if you and your husband want to marry again when you've reached some goals in life. Then so be it. Its like getting a "get out of jail" card for you.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> EA = emotional affair
> 
> PA = physical affair
> 
> ...


Oh, ok thank you for telling me what those initials stood for. This has most definitely been an EA since day 30 of my marriage. Now he's slept with another married woman and is off to his next wonderful relationship which is going to last a lifetime (his words). 

I think I'm attracted to PS's emotional sensitivity, but he's only sensitive because he's Bipolar.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Thumper said:


> Get the annulment, if you and your husband want to marry again when you've reached some goals in life. Then so be it. Its like getting a "get out of jail" card for you.


This is what I'm thinking about doing. After a year or two if we're both still wanting to be together we can get remarried then, but for now I need to remove myself from my husband legally and go live with my parents. Thank you. Your answers are giving me some clarity.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

PreRaphaelite said:


> So it sounds like you never really thought of yourself as married. you never really made the commitment. It was just a nice thing for a while that you took as seriously as you did the next novelty in your life.


I may have been committed at one point, but it only lasted for the first month of our marriage then it waned up until this point where I'm ready to get a legal separation or annulment.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

what do you really want?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yoda says: "All dysfunctional, are."

You have acted like a shiny little ball in a pinball machine flipping from one to another.

Stop. It. Now! 

You are in counselling? Good. That is a start.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> No, but I'm in college full time working towards becoming a teacher. I already have 20 credits under my belt.
> 
> The plan for now is to move back in with my parents. I'm just sad to lose my marriage because at one time it meant so much to me even though I was talking to PS.


Your marriage never meant as much to you as you thought..If it did..regardless of your husband's drunken displays and lack of affection..PS would have been history.

You married too quickly. Your marital boundaries were/are lacking.
You cannot be married and have a boyfriend on the side. Even if he was your ex..he was still acting as your boyfriend and you were being his girlfriend while married.
Sure..your husband could have done better in some areas, but ultimately it is YOU who destroyed the marriage by never fully committing to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Was your husband drunkenness because he knew you were cheating on him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

I want the TV rights.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

WOW! None of you need to be married.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First, 

You've been betraying your husband since the start of your relationship with this piece of garbage PS.

Oh, you may not have has sex with him all that time, but every time you talked to him, met with him, did anything involving him - you were cheating on your husband and betraying his trust.

PS should have been cut permanently out of your life since the day you got married.

Instead you chose to maintain an on going emotional and now physical affair with him.

I expect your husbands drinking and behavior is very much your fault. He would have picked up on your relationship with PS and how it prevented you from committing to your marriage and husband.

Your husband should have at the very start demanded you end the relationship with PS. No calls, no meet ups nothing.

EXs should not be around after marriage, and guys like PS with whom you have been carrying on a drama filled emotional affair should be kicked out hard and permanently.


For your husband I suggest you of the following kindness:

Come clean and admit you chose to cheat and have sex with PS. 
Admit you've been continuing an emotional affair all the time you've been married and that you have never once been a decent wife who has made her husband her top priority. Admit you have only been a part time wife and that you've always made PS a higher priority, and that you chose to betray your husbands trust over and over without guilt.

You've not been loyal to him from the start, because honey loyalty is more than refusing to have sex.

Then offer him a clean uncontested divorce. 


As for PS, he's a looser, do you see that? He's now got a kid, he's hit no job, and he's bouncing around from swank to skank.

Poor kid having a looser like that for a dad.

I'd cut PS out of your life permanently. He's now cost you your first marriage. Your now one of those chicks who got married fast, cheated , and then divorced. If you have any hope at not ending up like those burned out hags who've been married time after time to an ever increasing string of losers, you'll dump PS out of your life.

He's not marriage or relationship material. He's a user and a looser. And he'll just destroy every relationship you try to have just like he's succeeded with your help in destroying your marriage.

Td;lr. Come clean about the sex, come clean about the EA for the entire marriage, and free your husband by divorcing him.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Was your husband drunkenness because he knew you were cheating on him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My thinking exactly.

The husband is likely a good guy, who's watched his wife never commit to him, meanwhile she's all about this looser PS who can't even hold a job.


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## LoriC (Feb 18, 2013)

This story was like a bad accident that you can't help but look at. I can't believe I actually read the whole thing. Any particular reason you're attracted to losers? I also question your morals. I wonder about your upbringing and how you were raised. I actually have no advice for you whatsoever I just couldn't believe what I was reading.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you hope to be teacher, you do realize that a guy like PS will trash your career to right? Parents expect their kids teachers to be morally good people. A guy like PS around you is a huge black mark on your character.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I don't think you can blame her for her husbands drinking just like you can't blame your spouse for your having an affair. The way he deals with stress is not her fault. 
There is nothing healthy about either relationship. Get out, get your career on trac, get some good therapy as to why you crave this kind of affection, and start your life over now while you are still young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kermitty said:


> I don't think you can blame her for her husbands drinking just like you can't blame your spouse for your having an affair. The way he deals with stress is not her fault.
> There is nothing healthy about either relationship. Get out, get your career on trac, get some good therapy as to why you crave this kind of affection, and start your life over now while you are still young.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree. His wife having an ongoing affair with another man is very certainly something that would drive a man to the bottle.


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## KimatraAKM (May 1, 2013)

Sounds like throughout your entire relationship you haven't been acting like it.

Cut the guy off and focus on your relationship or leave. Stop eating cake..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I wouldn't even know where to start with this. All I can say is that you need to be alone for a good long time to find out who you are and what you value. You want to be a teacher. Teachers mold the minds of our children. They need to have a moral center. What kind of role model are you going to be? Not only is the group you are around toxic to society but you are toxic as well so long as you associate with them. Strive to be a better person in your own right and you will attract better people to be around.

I'm starting to realize how Lindsey Lohan and the Kardashians became famous.


:slap: :wtf:


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> what do you really want?


I want my husband to go to AA meetings and get himself sober for once. He brags all the time that he's been drinking since he was 14 years old and he's not going to stop now. I think he could do much better for himself if he gave up the alcohol.

I want PS to get a life and leave my alone. I know he won't at this point. 

I want to find the strength to file for a separation/annulment and be single again and live my life drama free for at least one year so I can center myself and focus entirely on my college courses.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Your marriage never meant as much to you as you thought..If it did..regardless of your husband's drunken displays and lack of affection..PS would have been history.
> 
> You married too quickly. Your marital boundaries were/are lacking.
> You cannot be married and have a boyfriend on the side. Even if he was your ex..he was still acting as your boyfriend and you were being his girlfriend while married.
> Sure..your husband could have done better in some areas, but ultimately it is YOU who destroyed the marriage by never fully committing to it.


If PS was my boyfriend this entire time he was a really terrible one. I really didn't see him as anything other than an annoyance and sometimes confidant when he was single. Even when were dating I couldn't commit to PS because he was too clingy and demanding. Before I was married we were off and on and I would see other guys besides PS just to get a mental break from PS.

I definitely seem to have boundary issues from the get go. Hopefully I figure this all out before I make a fatal mistake. People get killed over having affairs and what not. I feel like I'm putting myself in danger.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Was your husband drunkenness because he knew you were cheating on him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, he's been drinking since he was 14 years old. I suspected he had a drinking problem before we were married, but there was no way to tell how bad it was until after we exchanged vows.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> First,
> 
> You've been betraying your husband since the start of your relationship with this piece of garbage PS.
> 
> ...


Honestly I didn't feel like I was betraying my husband's trust until PS and I had sex. I saw PS as a guy friend who was listening to me when I was alone because my husband was in jail or because PS was single and bored. I never really saw PS as a threat to my marriage until he got back with his ex girlfriend and now they're getting married. I tried cutting PS out, but then bad things would happen in my marriage and I'd end up calling/texting/messaging PS again.

No my husband's been drinking like this since before I met him. My husband did tell me to stop talking to PS, but because PS said my husband was trying to control me I made up my mind to ignore my husband because he wasn't there for me when I needed him instead he was out drinking with his friends.

I don't think telling my husband about the sex between PS and I will do any good. My husband still won't admit to have sex with that woman from the party line or even meeting up with her when I know he did.

Even if I cut PS out he always finds me. He doesn't know where I live or anything, but something always causes us to find each other. I'm not sure if this will continue since he's getting married, but if it doesn't that will be a huge relief so I can move on with my life once and for all.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> My thinking exactly.
> 
> The husband is likely a good guy, who's watched his wife never commit to him, meanwhile she's all about this looser PS who can't even hold a job.


My husband was drinking long before I met him. I'm not really all about PS, but right now he's making me very angry by being engaged and potentially getting married because I know what a liar he is.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

LoriC said:


> This story was like a bad accident that you can't help but look at. I can't believe I actually read the whole thing. Any particular reason you're attracted to losers? I also question your morals. I wonder about your upbringing and how you were raised. I actually have no advice for you whatsoever I just couldn't believe what I was reading.


I was raised by my mom and dad. They've been married for over 40 years now. We were the kind of family who went to church every Sunday and my parents were active with the PTA. Both my parents worked to provide. There were hard times when one parent lost a job, we were evicted a lot, we sometimes went hungry, our hot water was turned off, electricity was turned off, and the bad times started to occur more frequently after I turned thirteen years old.

I learned how to block bad things out by reading lots and lots of books and any and every subject. If we didn't have electricity I used a flashlight. If it hadn't been for my love of reading I would've ended up a teen mom for sure, but I didn't.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> No, PS are his initials.
> 
> He doesn't have a big tool trust me.


He sounds like a big tool.


----------



## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

workindad said:


> He sounds like a big tool.


Very true


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If you hope to be teacher, you do realize that a guy like PS will trash your career to right? Parents expect their kids teachers to be morally good people. A guy like PS around you is a huge black mark on your character.


How would he trash my career? I would think parents would expect their children's teachers to have lives outside of the classroom and as long as the drama isn't brought up during class time to each their own. I don't plan on being associated with PS once I get my degree because he's a loser who'll still be living with his mom.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Kermitty said:


> I don't think you can blame her for her husbands drinking just like you can't blame your spouse for your having an affair. The way he deals with stress is not her fault.
> There is nothing healthy about either relationship. Get out, get your career on trac, get some good therapy as to why you crave this kind of affection, and start your life over now while you are still young.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband has always been a drinker. 

I'm starting therapy in a couple days. Hopefully I can get all of this out eloquently and not focus/obsess over PS's upcoming nuptials.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bfree said:


> I wouldn't even know where to start with this. All I can say is that you need to be alone for a good long time to find out who you are and what you value. You want to be a teacher. Teachers mold the minds of our children. They need to have a moral center. What kind of role model are you going to be? Not only is the group you are around toxic to society but you are toxic as well so long as you associate with them. Strive to be a better person in your own right and you will attract better people to be around.
> 
> I'm starting to realize how Lindsey Lohan and the Kardashians became famous.
> 
> ...


I know I'll be a good teacher. I just have to put all this behind me (which I know I can) and push forward with school and not lose focus. My biggest mistake was being so preoccupied with getting married and maintaining a relationship. I have my 30's to focus on all that and right now should be spent cementing my career.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

workindad said:


> He sounds like a big tool.


That's because he is.


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## Cwtchbunny (May 20, 2013)

Why would you be obsessing over PS wedding

Don't give it a second thought


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

OMG !! You need a do over.

Really. I have never seen such a screwed up post before.

Forget about what everyone else wants.

Hell, just forget about everyone.

You need to start over. Focus on getting a degree and start reading some good books about what real caring relationships are like. I don't think that you have the first notion of what a real relationship is all about. End this F.U. marriage. 

Start over...


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you are what one would charitably call 'a late bloomer.'

This is all very immature. The whole storyline and the telling of it reminds me of the breathless gossip in the girls bathroom in high school.

You need to grow up. Plain and simple.

You say that you didn't think that your relationship with PS was an affair until you slept with him (insert face palm here), but it's very, very clear that you are attached to him and have been for a long time. If you didn't think so, you were in denial.

You have just been playing at being an adult. It sounds like your nuclear family hasn't modeled this for you, so this comes some where from you.

Get rid of PS completely. Settle things down with your H enough to decide on a divorce or annulment. Then start living like a grown up.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Cwtchbunny said:


> Why would you be obsessing over PS wedding
> 
> Don't give it a second thought


Because I let him ruin my marriage and right now he's acting as if he's going to live happily ever after which could probably happen since life is funny like that. Obsessed might not be the right word...I think I'm just aggravated by the mere thought.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> OMG !! You need a do over.
> 
> Really. I have never seen such a screwed up post before.
> 
> ...


I've read relationship books before like, "He's Just Not That Into You" and "Act Like A Lady Think Like A Man" and in my opinion books like that are full of it. Some of the tips are helpful, but I take them with a grain of salt.

I really do need to start over.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I disagree. His wife having an ongoing affair with another man is very certainly something that would drive a man to the bottle.


Well, I have personal experience, here, so yes, I know this can happen. Even though in fairness my wife's affair was very short.

But a long-term affair? Don't know how he coped.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think you are what one would charitably call 'a late bloomer.'
> 
> This is all very immature. The whole storyline and the telling of it reminds me of the breathless gossip in the girls bathroom in high school.
> 
> ...


My mom's been calling me a late bloomer all my life. I hated that, but now I see figuring things out later has it's perks. I needed to give myself time to find the right person even if it happened in my 40's or 50's it would've been way better than this. I just hated how my siblings teased me about never having boyfriends or a long term relationship. 

The only silver lining in this is I qualify for an annulment since my husband and I don't have children together. At least I can walk away like this never happened.

I don't feel attached to PS. He treats me like garbage and he is garbage. He's more of a spoiler/distraction in my life when he's single. When he has a girlfriend he ignores me like he is now.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I think you need to move on away from both relationships and get your head together on what you want.

PS almost sounds like a cheating spouse that is rude and ignores you when they have a girlfriend but when they don't your good enough.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Thebes said:


> I think you need to move on away from both relationships and get your head together on what you want.
> 
> PS almost sounds like a cheating spouse that is rude and ignores you when they have a girlfriend but when they don't your good enough.


I spent the last two hours trying to talk to my husband about what our next move will be. His emotions were all over the place as usual and they ranged from kicking me out (he can't the place is in my name only) to saying I hate his child which is why we never go and visit (very untrue). Overall my husband let me know he no longer trusts me because I'm childish in my behaviors and he also brought up PS.

My husband knows all about PS minus the sex we've had so I understand what he's saying and I agree with him; I'm not trustworthy.

However no conclusion was drawn. I brought up separating and getting an annulment. My husband wants no part of that and he doesn't want to go to counseling unless it's on his terms. 

I don't want to break his heart by filing behind his back, but I feel like my hands are tied. We can't go forward like this and I feel miserable.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

WORD:
If you limit your dating after divorce to three or four occurrences per partner, THESE problems will never be YOURS.
Works for me.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I didn't even read all of that, but I recommend divorce.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

hookares said:


> WORD:
> If you limit your dating after divorce to three or four occurrences per partner, THESE problems will never be YOURS.
> Works for me.


I was reading about the 4 seasons rule: get into a relationship and see if it lasts for one year and then consider marriage. I think I'll do that next time around.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> If PS was my boyfriend this entire time he was a really terrible one. *I really didn't see him as anything other than an annoyance and sometimes confidant when he was single.* Even when were dating I couldn't commit to PS because he was too clingy and demanding. Before I was married we were off and on and I would see other guys besides PS just to get a mental break from PS.
> 
> I definitely seem to have boundary issues from the get go. Hopefully I figure this all out before I make a fatal mistake. People get killed over having affairs and what not. I feel like I'm putting myself in danger.


Annoyance and confidant when single...hmmmm

Sounds like a relationship of sorts to me. If he was an annoyance, how come you never blocked him.

Did you not realize that the things you were sharing with him (PS) was the things you should have set aside for your husband? Apparently you say your husband has been getting drunk since 14. That definitely is an obstacle.
I wish we could hear your husband's side.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Annoyance and confidant when single...hmmmm
> 
> Sounds like a relationship of sorts to me. If he was an annoyance, how come you never blocked him.
> 
> ...


It seems like this entire time I was giving PS boyfriend privileges without being committed to my marriage and certainly not committing to PS either. I didn't even realize that, 

I would block PS then something would happen (husband would get arrested, we're being threatend with eviction because of the arguing, etc.) and I'd go running back to him. He blocks me all the time, but for some reason he always ends up responding even if it's a couple months later. I don't know why.

I'm not sure what my husband would say about this whole thing except I'm childish and he's too grown for this mess.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> It seems like this entire time I was giving PS boyfriend privileges without being committed to my marriage and certainly not committing to PS either. I didn't even realize that,
> 
> I would block PS then something would happen (husband would get arrested, we're being threatend with eviction because of the arguing, etc.) and I'd go running back to him. He blocks me all the time, but for some reason he always ends up responding even if it's a couple months later. I don't know why.
> 
> I'm not sure what my husband would say about this whole thing except I'm childish and he's too grown for this mess.


You've got a real I'm nothing helpless victim thing going on right now. 

Stop it, it isn't help you or your husband.

Fact: you kept PS around your entire marriage and shared private intimate stuff with him that only should be shared with your husband, and I'm not talking sex.

But you aren't at all owning up to your part on doing this. You blame your husband , you blame ps, you blame fate.

But you are the one who chose to keep a long term emotional affair going with PS.

You are the one who chose to have sex with him.

You are the one who chose to listen it PS bullsh$t about your husband being controlling, when your husband caught on to the toxic influence PS was on you and your marriage.

And you are now the one choosing to dump your husband to put him out of your life, yet keep the looser PS in it.

Just remember this is what you have chosen over and over. If you find you don't like it, you are the only on responsible for your choices.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> It seems like this entire time I was giving PS boyfriend privileges without being committed to my marriage and certainly not committing to PS either. I didn't even realize that,
> 
> I would block PS then something would happen (husband would get arrested, we're being threatend with eviction because of the arguing, etc.) and I'd go running back to him. *He blocks me all the time, but for some reason he always ends up responding even if it's a couple months later. I don't know why.*
> 
> I'm not sure what my husband would say about this whole thing except I'm childish and he's too grown for this mess.


Bolded part...because he's a man and he may miss you, but he also misses the intimacy (sex) that you gave him and when things gets bad between his GF and him..you're next in line.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What in the blazes happened to you?

Enough that the thought of being married after two weeks of meeting someone would seem such a good idea? Anyways, I didn't want to say anything cause it wasn't going to be nice...

But what others have said - starting over. I agree completely with that advice. This is truly an epic fail of a marriage.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> You've got a real I'm nothing helpless victim thing going on right now.
> 
> Stop it, it isn't help you or your husband.
> 
> ...


I'm no victim I'm toxic myself. I went into this marriage thinking it would take all my personal issues and insecurities away, but I never gave allowed myself to really be a loving wife because I was too wrapped up in continuing to associate with PS.

I do feel like my husband abandoned me by going to jail all the time and only caring about his alcohol and friends whenever he's out.

I definitely chose to have sex with PS because it was on my terms not his. The sex was no accident or mistake it was intentional.

At this point anything between PS and I is over with because he's getting married so I guess he put me out his life. I don't want to continue on with my husband because if I tell him I cheated he'll leave me and if I stay I'll feel guilty for not telling him what happened. This marriage already feels over and I'm just prolonging it by not taking action and doing the right thing.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Bolded part...because he's a man and he may miss you, but he also misses the intimacy (sex) that you gave him and when things gets bad between his GF and him..you're next in line.


I guess that's why PS 'confessed' to being a sex addict the last time we talked.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> What in the blazes happened to you?
> 
> Enough that the thought of being married after two weeks of meeting someone would seem such a good idea? Anyways, I didn't want to say anything cause it wasn't going to be nice...
> 
> But what others have said - starting over. I agree completely with that advice. This is truly an epic fail of a marriage.


When I first met my husband I felt emotions for him that I'd never experienced before. It felt like we were destined to be; like euphoria.

Now things feel miserable and I need some time to myself.


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## Lost at sea (Mar 16, 2013)

Sorry to hear that your husband made you have an affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Ummm...yeah. Your husband knows about PS but he doesn't _really_ know about PS.

Trust me, your personal life WILL affect your teaching career. There are countless news stories showing where a teacher has been ousted from the classroom because of improper behavior outside the school walls.

Why not give your husband a choice in this matter? Tell him you've been having sex with PS since the beginning of your marriage. It'll be a lot easier to divorce at that point.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> At this point anything between PS and I is over with because he's getting married so I guess he put me out his life. *I don't want to continue on with my husband because if I tell him I cheated he'll leave me and if I stay I'll feel guilty for not telling him what happened.* This marriage already feels over and I'm just prolonging it by not taking action and doing the right thing.


This is a coward's way out. Woman up and be truthful and honest for once in your marriage. If you are going to leave..at least leave with honesty and integrity.
Tell your husband the real reason for divorce..not let him take all the blame by omitting what really has been happening.
He was a drunkard and a jail bird, but you were an unfaithful and disloyal wife. Be fair


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Lost at sea said:


> Sorry to hear that your husband made you have an affair.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He didn't. I'm also detecting sarcasm here.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Ummm...yeah. Your husband knows about PS but he doesn't _really_ know about PS.
> 
> Trust me, your personal life WILL affect your teaching career. There are countless news stories showing where a teacher has been ousted from the classroom because of improper behavior outside the school walls.
> 
> Why not give your husband a choice in this matter? Tell him you've been having sex with PS since the beginning of your marriage. It'll be a lot easier to divorce at that point.


Well I have at least another two years to clean up my act and figure things out before I'm done with my teaching degree. I'm not going to start panicking yet because chances are I won't be with my husband or PS two years from now.

I haven't been having sex with PS since the beginning of my marriage. I was married for 2 and half years before we had sex. It's mostly been an emotional affair which isn't much better.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Now... where's that danged foghorn, when you need it? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> This is a coward's way out. Woman up and be truthful and honest for once in your marriage. If you are going to leave..at least leave with honesty and integrity.
> Tell your husband the real reason for divorce..not let him take all the blame by omitting what really has been happening.
> He was a drunkard and a jail bird, but you were an unfaithful and disloyal wife. Be fair


My husband never takes the blame for anything so I doubt if we get divorced he'll feel crushed with guilt. He'll tell everyone it was my fault anyways.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Now... where's that danged foghorn, when you need it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What does that mean?


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> This is really what I need to do. It just sucks going back to my single life, but I know I can do it.


You're already living the single life. You just happen to be married. Nothing in your intial post shows that you ever really gave a damn about your marriage, nor did your husband. 

grow UP


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

Well mtpromises I must say you remind me of myself in that I also had a good christian upbringing but I've gone wild in my 20s. Only thing is I came on here before getting married. I was thinking about it but then I knew I had to change. In the end, things turned out different to what I or anyone here expected I think.

You can check out my profile page to see the subject I am talking about.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> No, PS are his initials.
> 
> He doesn't have a big tool trust me.


Wow crazy and ruthless.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I just wanted to update that I went to my first therapy session today. The therapist says all my relationships are extremely strained then he asked me what I'd like to do about it. I've come to the conclusion that I need to separate from my my husband even if it's temporary and spend time figuring my life out. I also need to stick with school so I can better myself because I'm actually really good at it since I'm pulling in "A" grades. I'm also going to stay away from PS even if he calls me when things are going bad in his relationships.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Block his number


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Block his number


^^^ THIS is such a simple tool to use.

Also, how do you think your husband is going to react when you ask for a separation _without_ admitting your infidelity? I mean, if I were him and this hit me out of the blue I would probably be blaming myself for the failure of my marriage when that wouldn't be the case at all.

Are you going to allow him to blame himself so long as you can go along on your merry way to figure out yourself?


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> Block his number


Never gunna happen.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> ^^^ THIS is such a simple tool to use.
> 
> Also, how do you think your husband is going to react when you ask for a separation _without_ admitting your infidelity? I mean, if I were him and this hit me out of the blue I would probably be blaming myself for the failure of my marriage when that wouldn't be the case at all.
> 
> Are you going to allow him to blame himself so long as you can go along on your merry way to figure out yourself?


I highly doubt my husband will blame himself if and when I file the separation papers.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If honestly find it horrible knowing how this is going to play out.

You are going to dump your husband, and likely leave him thinking the marriage failed because of him.


You will never reveal your choosing to cheat with PS.

You will say you are ending it with PS, but now the two of you are going to do the same thing to his new wife that the two of you did to your husband.

Seriously you do see that you are on this path right?


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> If honestly find it horrible knowing how this is going to play out.
> 
> You are going to dump your husband, and likely leave him thinking the marriage failed because of him.
> 
> ...


No, I'm not going to dump my husband. I need some time to myself to figure out where my life is headed. Maybe the separation won't even be legal, but I do plan on staying with my parents for at least two weeks in June.

I don't think telling my husband I cheated on him would do any good especially if I choose to stay.

I've already sent PS's girlfriend messages about what's going on behind her back. PS hasn't contacted me in over two weeks so I doubt he's going to start calling again to cheat on his 'wife' because she'll know what he's up to.

I'm on a path to cutting PS out and centering myself again. That's what I see.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> No, I'm not going to dump my husband. I need some time to myself to figure out where my life is headed. Maybe the separation won't even be legal, but I do plan on staying with my parents for at least two weeks in June.
> 
> I don't think telling my husband I cheated on him would do any good especially if I choose to stay.
> 
> ...


Your husband's going to find out.
How do you know PS won't get vindictive and spill the beans.
You've told his girlfriend, how do you know PS won't tell your husband what really happened?

You don't know..and if your husband finds out on his own instead of from you...you may get a permanent separation.

In this thread..you are being entirely selfish and it will be the final nail in the coffin of your marriage.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Your husband's going to find out.
> How do you know PS won't get vindictive and spill the beans.
> You've told his girlfriend, how do you know PS won't tell your husband what really happened?
> 
> ...


PS is very afraid of my husband even though he doesn't know my husband's name or even what he looks like. There were times I talked to PS on the phone and my husband over heard, took the phone from me, and attempted to confronted PS who immediately hung up. PS isn't going to get brave now.

As long as I change my phone number my husband won't be hearing from PS, but it's not like PS would ever man up to tell my husband anything. PS doesn't know where I live, but I know where he does. 

I know I'm being selfish that's why I'm going to stay with my parents.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> PS isn't going to get brave now.


Never assume. PS doesn't have to be the one to be brave


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Never assume. PS doesn't have to be the one to be brave


Anyone who PS sends my way will be asking for trouble. PS's energy would be better spent trying to convince his girlfriend I'm lying so she'll run down the aisle with him before she second guesses everything.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Some things are so outside my experience that all I can do is watch.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I highly doubt my husband will blame himself if and when I file the separation papers.


You don't think so? You don't think he's going to question everything and then begin to question himself?

I mean, every betrayed at some point in finding out their spouse cheated on them - they question themselves.

Do you really think that filing for separation is somehow different? Especially, when it's out of the blue.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

What the hell did you ever think to either
1. block his number or
2. change your number? The phone company can do both for free.
3 a restraining order against him?

Or was it you like the attention you were getting.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

sirdano said:


> What the hell did you ever think to either
> 1. block his number or
> 2. change your number? The phone company can do both for free.
> 3 a restraining order against him?
> ...


I went ahead and changed my phone number today. PS will never have this new one and it ensures my husband won't be bothered if PS ever tries to muster up the courage and call to spill the beans. 

Yes, the thought of a restraining order has crossed my mind, but since PS and I weren't dating and he doesn't know where I live I didn't think it was necessary. 

The attention was nice at first this time around, but now I'm over it.


----------



## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Oh one other thing how can there ever be a future with PS? I mean he lives at home and no job. What would that be like in 20 years? To me that is no man that will stand up and provide for his family. Maybe you will like living on welfare the rest of your life? Or working yourself to death supporting a bum.

And as for the husband that is proud of drinking since he was 14 and refuses help. How is this different with someone with a drug problem that refuses help?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

sirdano said:


> Oh one other thing how can there ever be a future with PS? I mean he lives at home and no job. What would that be like in 20 years? To me that is no man that will stand up and provide for his family. Maybe you will like living on welfare the rest of your life? Or working yourself to death supporting a bum.
> 
> And as for the husband that is proud of drinking since he was 14 and refuses help. How is this different with someone with a drug problem that refuses help?


PS has no future. He's overrun with debt and has no driver's license or car. He won't provide for his family which is why he ditched his child's mother in October because the situation became too real. He did call and brag to me about finally being a father, but he never stepped up to the plate to take care of his responsibilities. Even if PS eventually finds work he'll be forever paying back child support OR most of his money will go to staying current on his child support which would then cause any woman in his life to pick up the slack financially.

As for my husband he needs AA. Maybe I can get him to go to at least one meeting like I pushed him to come with me to the one family counseling session, but mostly it's his choice to get clean from his alcoholism. Yes, alcoholism is the same as being a drug addict and when people refuse help they won't get better. When I told my husband I want to file for a separation he told me on his own that he's willing to stop drinking. I think we can make things work out, but for now I need some space to get myself correct.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I Lied, I Cheated, Now I'm Losing My Mind*



SomedayDig said:


> You don't think so? You don't think he's going to question everything and then begin to question himself?
> 
> I mean, every betrayed at some point in finding out their spouse cheated on them - they question themselves.
> 
> Do you really think that filing for separation is somehow different? Especially, when it's out of the blue.


You're right Dig. We all question ourselves. You are a very put together guy. A real alpha type (sorry, couldn't help myself.) And for you to admit to questioning yourself says a lot. Mtpromises' husband will indeed question himself regardless of how confident he may appear.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

bfree said:


> You're right Dig. We all question ourselves. You are a very put together guy. A real alpha type (sorry, couldn't help myself.) And for you to admit to questioning yourself says a lot. Mtpromises' husband will indeed question himself regardless of how confident he may appear.


LOL bfree...I was alpha before it was cool. I prefer to call it just being a man with character and integrity.

I remember when Dday hit and Regret spilled her guts and ripped mine open in the process. I remember that, even in my anger and rage of finding out this horrific truth, that I wondered what in the hell I did wrong. I wondered how I could have let this happen.

Mt...I know you don't wanna hear that your actions WILL hurt the ever living daylights out of your husband ~ but they will. I can promise you that filing for separation is NOT going to ease any burden of infidelity on your part, even if you don't cop to the truth.

He IS going to question himself and ask himself on a daily basis, "What did I do wrong?"

Are you really going to allow him to go there? I'd do a mirror check and look into your own eyes. Ask yourself if you're willing to let your husband carry the weight of the separation on his shoulders because you are scared to tell the truth.


----------



## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> LOL bfree...I was alpha before it was cool. I prefer to call it just being a man with character and integrity.
> 
> I remember when Dday hit and Regret spilled her guts and ripped mine open in the process. I remember that, even in my anger and rage of finding out this horrific truth, that I wondered what in the hell I did wrong. I wondered how I could have let this happen.
> 
> ...


Her husband has been in and out of jail and drinks. Is it wise for her to tell everything? He could kill her!


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

IHaveAProblem said:


> Her husband has been in and out of jail and drinks. Is it wise for her to tell everything? He could kill her!


Oh, I hear you.

However, I also hear that blameshifting style from a bunch of waywards who have posted. In that original post from the OP all I see when I read that is - blame. I mean, that "horrible" Thanksgiving when he went to "pick up girls", she was texting PS arranging a hook up. It's all about how she's pissed PS is going to have a happy marriage. From everything I've read, the OP appears to be a classic bunny boiler. I honestly don't believe a lot of what she's got to say.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Oh, I hear you.
> 
> However, I also hear that blameshifting style from a bunch of waywards who have posted. In that original post from the OP all I see when I read that is - blame. I mean, that "horrible" Thanksgiving when he went to "pick up girls", she was texting PS arranging a hook up. It's all about how she's pissed PS is going to have a happy marriage. From everything I've read, the OP appears to be a classic bunny boiler. I honestly don't believe a lot of what she's got to say.


If you don't believe a lot of what I have to say why are you telling me to spill my guts to my husband? 

A classic bunny boiler? It's so easy to blame the woman when the men are just as deceptive and defective as her.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> A classic bunny boiler? It's so easy to blame the woman when the men are just as deceptive and defective as her.


Oh, I've seen many bunny boiler guys, too. This isn't a sexism issue. It's a broken person issue.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: I Lied, I Cheated, Now I'm Losing My Mind*



SomedayDig said:


> Oh, I've seen many bunny boiler guys, too. This isn't a sexism issue. It's a broken person issue.


So true. We don't discriminate here. For what it's worth I do hope you are able to achieve some self perspective. Nobody should live in chaos.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Oh, I've seen many bunny boiler guys, too. This isn't a sexism issue. It's a broken person issue.


I find it hard to believe this isn't about sexism, but that's neither here no there at this point. PS decided to carry out an affair with a woman (me) he knew was married and having marital issues. I'm not the first married woman he's ever been with and I won't be the last either. It's my fault for giving in and being the married person in the affair. I did a disservice to myself, my husband, and my family. At this point all I want to do is repair what's broken in my life and move on.

Yesterday I changed my phone number which was step 1 and step 2 was messaging PS's girlfriend about the true nature of our "friendship" and she read the message this morning so good luck to the both of them. Step 3 is taking time to myself and staying at my parents sometime in the month of June so my husband and I can work things out. 

There will be many more steps in this process to correct myself, but I'm just laying out what I've done already and what my next step will be. I already feel like I'm letting go of the bulls**t and making it so I won't ever go back to PS again.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bfree said:


> So true. We don't discriminate here. For what it's worth I do hope you are able to achieve some self perspective. Nobody should live in chaos.


The therapy session I had on Wednesday really opened my eyes up.


----------



## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Keep working on yourself. Remember that the people you attract are a reflection of who you are. You'll get there.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I find it hard to believe this isn't about sexism, but that's neither here no there at this point. PS decided to carry out an affair with a woman (me) he knew was married and having marital issues. I'm not the first married woman he's ever been with and I won't be the last either. It's my fault for giving in and being the married person in the affair. I did a disservice to myself, my husband, and my family. At this point all I want to do is repair what's broken in my life and move on.
> 
> Yesterday I changed my phone number which was step 1 and step 2 was messaging PS's girlfriend about the true nature of our "friendship" and she read the message this morning so good luck to the both of them. Step 3 is taking time to myself and staying at my parents sometime in the month of June so my husband and I can work things out.
> 
> There will be many more steps in this process to correct myself, but I'm just laying out what I've done already and what my next step will be. I already feel like I'm letting go of the bulls**t and making it so I won't ever go back to PS again.


But see...this is one of the things I'm seeing in most of your posts: Everything is about PS. It's about your feelings for him and whatnot. The one small point you bring up is you're going to try to work things out with your husband.

Are you going to tell him?


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Your doing great no real adventure begins and ends with one step. Just take it one step at a time and you will astonished at the vistas that open up for you, you are on the right track now.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I find it hard to believe this isn't about sexism, but that's neither here no there at this point. PS decided to carry out an affair with a woman (me) he knew was married and having marital issues. I'm not the first married woman he's ever been with and I won't be the last either. It's my fault for giving in and being the married person in the affair. I did a disservice to myself, my husband, and my family. At this point all I want to do is repair what's broken in my life and move on.
> 
> Yesterday I changed my phone number which was step 1 and step 2 was messaging PS's girlfriend about the true nature of our "friendship" and she read the message this morning so good luck to the both of them. Step 3 is taking time to myself and staying at my parents sometime in the month of June so my husband and I can work things out.
> 
> There will be many more steps in this process to correct myself, but I'm just laying out what I've done already and what my next step will be. I already feel like I'm letting go of the bulls**t and making it so I won't ever go back to PS again.


You know what I see..I see you mostly trying to detach from PS instead of trying to re-establish a connection with your husband.
How can separation bring you closer together...because you will miss him???
Absurd...your mind is so filled up with PS that you can't even see your BH. All you see is PS.
Have you noticed that you mention PS in your posts more than your husband?
You're angry with PS. The opposite of love or "emotional connection" isn't hate..it's indifference.

Your BH deserves more of your empathy than your apathy.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bfree said:


> Keep working on yourself. Remember that the people you attract are a reflection of who you are. You'll get there.


Thank you.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> You know what I see..I see you mostly trying to detach from PS instead of trying to re-establish a connection with your husband.
> How can separation bring you closer together...because you will miss him???
> Absurd...your mind is so filled up with PS that you can't even see your BH. All you see is PS.
> Have you noticed that you mention PS in your posts more than your husband?
> ...


PS is brought up more because he's who I've been emotionally attached to for years now and yes I realize I talk more about PS than my husband. Of course I'm angry with PS because we've been having an affair and now he feels like he's going to get away scot-free to his own blissful marriage. I'm moving past my anger, jealousy, and indifference towards him. It will take time though.

When my husband went and met that lady from the phone chat line we separated for 2 weeks after I found out, I went to stay with my parents, and it was was enough time for the both of us to realize we wanted to work things out and move forward. Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder and it's our way of re-establishing our relationship.

What does BH stand for?


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> But see...this is one of the things I'm seeing in most of your posts: Everything is about PS. It's about your feelings for him and whatnot. The one small point you bring up is you're going to try to work things out with your husband.
> 
> Are you going to tell him?


I don't plan on telling my husband I cheated. Anyone who knows is free to tell him, but I won't anytime soon. I know that makes me a horrible person.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

CEL said:


> Your doing great no real adventure begins and ends with one step. Just take it one step at a time and you will astonished at the vistas that open up for you, you are on the right track now.


Thank you.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> PS is brought up more because he's who I've been emotionally attached to for years now and yes I realize I talk more about PS than my husband. Of course I'm angry with PS because we've been having an affair and now he feels like he's going to get away scot-free to his own blissful marriage. I'm moving past my anger, jealousy, and indifference towards him. It will take time though.
> 
> When my husband went and met that lady from the phone chat line we separated for 2 weeks after I found out, I went to stay with my parents, and it was was enough time for the both of us to realize we wanted to work things out and move forward. Sometimes absence does make the heart grow fonder and it's our way of re-establishing our relationship.
> 
> What does BH stand for?


BH stands for betrayed husband. Time apart is good if the environment is hostile. Who is instigating this separation..you or your husband?
You have a lot of preconceptions of how this works..I have been on many forums, given lots of advice that has helped many. I can almost always tell where a marriage will go by the way the offender of the marriage behaves.
You still act as a wayward.
You are deceptive, dishonest and emotionally entangled in your affair.
You think distance and deception will make your marriage work or make you forget PS.
I can tell you, you are going about this the wrong way and if you continue..3 months from now (mark this date) your marriage will be in far worse shape than it is now


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I don't plan on telling my husband I cheated. Anyone who knows is free to tell him, but I won't anytime soon. *I know that makes me a horrible person*.


Yep.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So I hope you texted her from your old number or now PS has your new number.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> BH stands for betrayed husband. Time apart is good if the environment is hostile. Who is instigating this separation..you or your husband?
> You have a lot of preconceptions of how this works..I have been on many forums, given lots of advice that has helped many. I can almost always tell where a marriage will go by the way the offender of the marriage behaves.
> You still act as a wayward.
> You are deceptive, dishonest and emotionally entangled in your affair.
> ...


I'm the one pushing for the separation. Things aren't hostile here and my husband doesn't want me to go because things are fine according to him.

I did tell my husband about PS minus the sex we had which I know is still very deceptive.

So what's the right way to go about this?


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> So I hope you texted her from your old number or now PS has your new number.


I messaged her online.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I don't plan on telling my husband I cheated. Anyone who knows is free to tell him, but I won't anytime soon. I know that makes me a horrible person.


QFT.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I'm the one pushing for the separation. Things aren't hostile here and my husband doesn't want me to go because things are fine according to him.
> 
> I did tell my husband about PS minus the sex we had which I know is still very deceptive.
> 
> So what's the right way to go about this?


By being truthful and not so horrifyingly selfish. Think about your husband for a change and not what you want all the time.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I did tell my husband about PS minus the sex we had which I know is still very deceptive


Then you didn't tell your husband about PS..you lied to him. Omission is still lying.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> By being truthful and not so horrifyingly selfish. Think about your husband for a change and not what you want all the time.


I don't feel like my husband considers my feelings at all and he only worries about himself hence the daily drinking.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Since your husband is not pushing for separation and you are, I am under the speculation that you are up to more than just letting "the heart grow fonder".
If you were remorseful..your heart would be with your husband. It's not. You resent your husband. You are more interested in getting vindication from PS.
Your changing your number is a way to get PS more interested. Your separation from your BH is to see if PS will try to find out a way to contact you, seek you out. After all..you are giving him 2 weeks to do it.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I don't feel like my husband considers my feelings at all and he only worries about himself hence the daily drinking.


Of course that's your side of the story. I wish I could hear his.
Your husband has a problem with drinking..that's known. Is his problem worse than yours?
Both need fixing..he has an addiction, they are hard to overcome. He knows this too. He knows this hurts the marriage. Has he said he wants to stop?


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Then you didn't tell your husband about PS..you lied to him. Omission is still lying.


I know and I also feel like now isn't the time to admit to having slept with PS. It would serve no purpose and could endanger my safety.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I don't feel like my husband considers my feelings at all and he only worries about himself hence the daily drinking.


So, in June you're going to try to work things out with your husband? You will probably tell him things as what I quoted, and as I said in my other post, you are putting the blame of everything on him. By not telling him about screwing another guy, you will NEVER "work" on things. Period. You will simply blame him and try to make him change, all the while holding onto your dear, sweet thoughts of your loving PS.

Well...except that he's married to an awesome chick now.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I don't feel like my husband considers my feelings at all and he only worries about himself hence the daily drinking.


That has nothing to do with what you did to him. When he does find out, and he will one day. His suffering will start all over again. I need to go to the bathroom.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Of course that's your side of the story. I wish I could hear his.
> Your husband has a problem with drinking..that's known. Is his problem worse than yours?
> Both need fixing..he has an addiction, they are hard to overcome. He knows this too. He knows this hurts the marriage. Has he said he wants to stop?


Yes he has, but then he makes no effort to go to counseling. I would have to make the appointments, stress over whether he gets there, stress over having to pick him up, and repeat the process. It becomes a burden very quickly.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> I know and I also feel like now isn't the time to admit to having slept with PS. It would serve no purpose and could endanger my safety.


It would begin to make you an honest woman.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> It would begin to make you an honest woman.


An honest woman in a coma.


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## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Yes he has, but then he makes no effort to go to counseling. I would have to make the appointments, stress over whether he gets there, stress over having to pick him up, and repeat the process. It becomes a burden very quickly.


Then I don't think you love him.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> An honest woman in a coma.


I really would like to say to you. ______________ on earth!


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SoulStorm said:


> Then I don't think you love him.


Or maybe I want to deal with an adult man not a child who needs their hand held 24/7.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Or maybe I want to deal with an adult man not a child who needs their hand held 24/7.


I promise if you tell him the truth, you won't have to worry about holding his hand ever again.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Or maybe I want to deal with an adult man not a child who needs their hand held 24/7.


I am right..you don't love him


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> An honest woman in a coma.


Doubtful, if you really thought that was a possibility you would never have chosen to cheat.

I'm calling you on this for your own good, you are making io excuses to justify what you want to do, instead of dealing with what you should do.

I think you fear your BH would actually enforce PS being out of your life permanently, and so by not telling you are keeping the door open for PS.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> I promise if you tell him the truth, you won't have to worry about holding his hand ever again.


Or maybe I'll just tell him when I'm ready not when people on the internet think it's right.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Or maybe I'll just tell him when I'm ready not when people on the internet think it's right.


So, then why are you here? I mean, this is a marriage forum and you haven't listened to boo from anyone that wants to actually HELP your marriage. 

You know what you're gonna do. You just seem to want to justify everything and wait for someone to come along and say, "Good job."

Sorry.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Doubtful, if you really thought that was a possibility you would never have chosen to cheat.
> 
> I'm calling you on this for your own good, you are making io excuses to justify what you want to do, instead of dealing with what you should do.
> 
> I think you fear your BH would actually enforce PS being out of your life permanently, and so by not telling you are keeping the door open for PS.


Nope I slammed the door shut on PS by telling his girlfriend what's up. She can marry PS and deal with him for eternity.

Well I'm exaggerating about the coma, but my husband could and would physically harm me.


----------



## SoulStorm (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Doubtful, if you really thought that was a possibility you would never have chosen to cheat.
> 
> I'm calling you on this for your own good, you are making io excuses to justify what you want to do, instead of dealing with what you should do.
> 
> I think you fear your BH would actually enforce PS being out of your life permanently, and so by not telling you are keeping the door open for PS.


It is quite plain to see that she is still after PS. Good luck mtpromises. This will be my last post to you. Best of luck


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Nope I slammed the door shut on PS by telling his girlfriend what's up. She can marry PS and deal with him for eternity.
> 
> *Well I'm exaggerating about the coma, but my husband could and would physically harm me*.


Then if it's so f'ng bad, why are you going to try to "work" it out with him in June?!


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> So, then why are you here? I mean, this is a marriage forum and you haven't listened to boo from anyone that wants to actually HELP your marriage.
> 
> You know what you're gonna do. You just seem to want to justify everything and wait for someone to come along and say, "Good job."
> 
> Sorry.


Only a few people have actually seemed helpful. Others have come off as condescending and are constantly saying my situation isn't real, etc. I'm not sure why that is since I've only been on this board less than a week.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> Nope I slammed the door shut on PS by telling his girlfriend what's up. She can marry PS and deal with him for eternity.
> 
> Well I'm exaggerating about the coma, but my husband could and would physically harm me.


No you just caused grief for PS. After she dumps him he will come sniffing around like he's always done because he is lowlife weasel.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, and what is to stop the gf from telling your husband ?


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Then if it's so f'ng bad, why are you going to try to "work" it out with him in June?!


I'm not going to be physically here. Maybe while I'm at my parents I'll muster up the courage to tell my husband the truth and move in permanently with them. Who really knows.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> No you just caused grief for PS. After she dumps him he will come sniffing around like he's always done because he is lowlife weasel.


Good luck to him trying to find me and they won't break up. His girlfriend probably won't care she already cheated on him before.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> Or maybe I want to deal with an adult man not a child who needs their hand held 24/7.


I know you need to come here for help. But it's women like you that brings back things for me that make me never want to come back to this forum. You have no concept of the pain your bringing him on the day he finds out. The longer you wait the deeper the scar will be. Man or child hes your husband. You married him for something. Please remember it.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> I'm not going to be physically here. Maybe while I'm at my parents I'll muster up the courage to tell my husband the truth and move in permanently with them. Who really knows.


Well, I guess then I got confused when you said you were going to your parents and you and he were going to work things out. So, you're going to your parents and he's not. I guess I don't understand how you're going to work things out with him.

Seriously, if you're afraid of the dude for real, go to your parent's place now. Tell him on the phone, write him a Dear John email...whatever. 

Ya gotta remember, this is an anonymous board. We can only deal with the facts that you present in a post.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Oh, and what is to stop the gf from telling your husband ?


Lots of things are stopping her like not having our phone number or knowing where we live or what my husband even looks like.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Lots of things are stopping her like not having our phone number or knowing where we live or what my husband even looks like.


Is she smart enough to find you on facebook or anything? I mean, the internet is pretty easy to navigate these days. Were you schtupping him while he was with her?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Well, I guess then I got confused when you said you were going to your parents and you and he were going to work things out. So, you're going to your parents and he's not. I guess I don't understand how you're going to work things out with him.
> 
> Seriously, if you're afraid of the dude for real, go to your parent's place now. Tell him on the phone, write him a Dear John email...whatever.
> 
> Ya gotta remember, this is an anonymous board. We can only deal with the facts that you present in a post.


Yes, I'm going to my parents house alone for a separation. Like I said things are up in the air about telling my husband that I slept with PS so for right now he's going to remain clueless.


----------



## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Is she smart enough to find you on facebook or anything? I mean, the internet is pretty easy to navigate these days. Were you schtupping him while he was with her?


Probably not. The settings on both our Facebook pages are that only friends of friends can find us and my privacy settings are at highest security. I also doubt she'll take me seriously since she and PS are in love.

PS and I were having phone sex and talking all night on the phone while he's been with her. We don't see each other often in real life unless it's for sex or by chance except when he came to the train station the other day because I told him I'd be there. I'm not that social of a person.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> Yes, I'm going to my parents house alone for a separation. Like I said things are up in the air about telling my husband that I slept with PS so for right now he's going to remain clueless.


Penicillin.


----------



## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, if you've been actively "active" with him since they've been together, never - under any circumstance underestimate the tenacity of someone.

Take me for example. The guy my wife was having an affair with was an attorney. He intercepted the email I sent to his wife about the affair. He thought he was pretty smart, except he underestimated someone who had been betrayed.

I found where his wife worked and I found her work email. I sent her an email 6 weeks after the first one that he intercepted. She got it and promptly threw his ass out. Meanwhile, I put his picture up on the great website known as Cheaterville. It's an awesome website where people post cheaters and give their story to the world as a warning. It also had this neat little function where I could send an anonymous email to his top 2 partners at his law firm. It's a big firm with 10 offices around the state. He was the senior counsel at his office.

Til the partners got the email. It was less than a month and he was no longer employed. If you Google his name the top return is his profile at Cheaterville...with almost 2,000,000 hits - well, it's gonna take a lot of SEO work for him to create any website that'll top those Alexa numbers.

He now works as a glorified salesman for a green energy company.

Yeah. Don't underestimate your "competition".

Ever.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> Probably not. The settings on both our Facebook pages are that only friends of friends can find us and my privacy settings are at highest security. I also doubt she'll take me seriously since she and PS are in love.
> 
> PS and I were having phone sex and talking all night on the phone while he's been with her. We don't see each other often in real life unless it's for sex or by chance except when he came to the train station the other day because I told him I'd be there. I'm not that social of a person.


Wait, I thought you only cheated one time.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Wait, I thought you only cheated one time.


See how that works?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> See how that works?


She is a WS?!?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

SomedayDig said:


> Well, if you've been actively "active" with him since they've been together, never - under any circumstance underestimate the tenacity of someone.
> 
> Take me for example. The guy my wife was having an affair with was an attorney. He intercepted the email I sent to his wife about the affair. He thought he was pretty smart, except he underestimated someone who had been betrayed.
> 
> ...


Wow! So how did you find out he intercepted the email to his wife about his affair? Did he tell you? 

So you got him fired from his job? They would fire someone for an affair? Well thank goodness I'm only in school right now and not working. I could only imagine the karma that's on my head right now.

I need to look at this Cheaterville website. Aren't you afraid he'll come after you? All I can say again is wow and you got him good.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Wait, I thought you only cheated one time.


In my original post it says PS and I have had sex twice since I've been married. I don't count phone sex as cheating because it's very juvenile and weird to me, but apparently PS is way into that crap and the phone sex happened while he's been with his fiance.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Penicillin.


I've already been tested since sleeping with PS and I'm clean.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> She is a WS?!?


What's WS? Is there a place where I can find out what these abbreviations mean?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> What's WS? Is there a place where I can find out what these abbreviations mean?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=464


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I've already been tested since sleeping with PS and I'm clean.


I hope PS has some side action going on and you don't find out for a while.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> In my original post it says PS and I have had sex twice since I've been married. I don't count phone sex as cheating because it's very juvenile and weird to me, but apparently PS is way into that crap and the phone sex happened while he's been with his fiance.


Geesh, I think phone sex counts. Kinda sure if your husband was having phone sex with some chick you'd be very hurt and angry.

I guess I messed that you has sex twice. I thought you only chose to cheat the one time and the rest was emotional, but now it's clear you've been sexually cheating for a while with PS.

So you've been betraying your husbands love and trust bothemotionally and sexually for a long time. You get someone sexually worked up and off , then it's sex. If they do it to you,it's sex. It doesn't require rubbing body parts and exchanging fluids to be sexual betrayal.

Well lets hope someone gets round to letting your husband know about it, either you, ps, or PS's cheated on gf. He's really got a right to know he's been living in a long term sham. 

Your tell ps get was right morally, though I think you really did it to get back at ps for not being true to you and to hopefully scare her off.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I've already been tested since sleeping with PS and I'm clean.


Clean of STDs and Clean are two different things. 

But Dirty is Dirty. And I'm thinking your Dirty.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms


Thank you.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I hope PS has some side action going on and you don't find out for a while.


It's pretty obvious PS can't stay faithful so of course there are other women he's still using for sex.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Geesh, I think phone sex counts. Kinda sure if your husband was having phone sex with some chick you'd be very hurt and angry.
> 
> I guess I messed that you has sex twice. I thought you only chose to cheat the one time and the rest was emotional, but now it's clear you've been sexually cheating for a while with PS.
> 
> ...


I don't see phone sex as real so I only count the physical sex as cheating. Talking on the phone, etc. is child's play to me so I never saw it as that big of a deal and PS was the only one getting off anyways.

If my husband finds out I cheated then that's how it will be, but for now I won't be telling him. 

Nothing is going to scare off PS's girlfriend because she's a cheater too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You have a very warped view of the world. How was your childhood ?


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Wow! So how did you find out he intercepted the email to his wife about his affair? Did he tell you?
> 
> So you got him fired from his job? They would fire someone for an affair? Well thank goodness I'm only in school right now and not working. I could only imagine the karma that's on my head right now.
> 
> I need to look at this Cheaterville website. Aren't you afraid he'll come after you? All I can say again is wow and you got him good.


Yes, he got fired because of the bad "publicity" of the website. When someone Google's an attorney's name and the first thing to come up is that website...well, it's not the guy you want as a partner.

I'm not afraid of him at all.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Look it's very clear by the amount of effort you put into PS emotionally and sexually that he's far more important to you than your husband. Far more. For some reason you prefer a user and looser like him as the man in your life than the guy who actually loves you and has stood by you.

Tell your husband the full truth, and give him a very generous for him divorce. You've never put him and the arrange above PS. Not from day 1. Your marriage has actually been the thing you did on the side when you weren't putting your energy and passion into PS.


For whatever reason you've chosen to be attracted to and value PS much more highly than the man you falsely gave your vows to. That's your emotional mess to deal with. Your husband has already suffered your entire marriage under the false assumption that your priority was the marriage and him, when in reality he was always just an option.

You can do the right thing for once by your husband and give him the full truth. You've hidden it from him for a very long time, time that he wasted pursuing you while give been taken by another all along.

Even now your posts are mostly about what PS is doing and what you are doing to him. While your husband is included as a secondary thought that you are keeping around as an open option of what you might do with him.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

That's funny. You cheat on your husband and think it's okay. Then your husband finds out and has a revenge affair, but your steaming mad. Something doesn't add up here. You cheated first. You can't have it all.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> you have a very warped view of the world. How was your childhood ?


this!


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## duswami (Jun 1, 2013)

That anonymous email feature is kinda cool. It's nice to be able to communicate or provide feedback anonymously. I use a site called silentsender.com. I'm kinda an infidelity hawk. Since my divorce I can't stand it when I find out about someone cheating on their spouse, so the site is really good for sending anonymous messages letting people whats going on without getting in the middle.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> Look it's very clear by the amount of effort you put into PS emotionally and sexually that he's far more important to you than your husband. Far more. For some reason you prefer a user and looser like him as the man in your life than the guy who actually loves you and has stood by you.
> 
> Tell your husband the full truth, and give him a very generous for him divorce. You've never put him and the arrange above PS. Not from day 1. Your marriage has actually been the thing you did on the side when you weren't putting your energy and passion into PS.
> 
> ...


My husband has suffered? Seriously? My husband hasn't been pursuing me at all since we married 2 weeks after we met. You're just assuming he's the victim because you're only hearing my side.

I agree with you though my marriage hasn't been my main focus at all. Whether I was pursuing PS, school, work, taking care of family members, my independence, etc. I really haven't put much effort into keeping things alive between my husband and I because of his drinking (which I was told on this board is my fault), but that doesn't mean my husband has put his all into this marriage because I've been lacking. What a huge assumption to make. 

I said this before and I'll say it again: once my husband admits to not only meeting up with the other woman and sleeping with her he doesn't deserve the truth from me. If however I choose to tell him I slept with PS that's my decision on the timing.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> That's funny. You cheat on your husband and think it's okay. Then your husband finds out and has a revenge affair, but your steaming mad. Something doesn't add up here. You cheated first. You can't have it all.


No, I didn't cheat first emotionally or physically. However just by being on this site and admitting to my wrongs it automatically means my husband is the best person in the world and is suffering because of me.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> You have a very warped view of the world. How was your childhood ?


Tumultuous.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> My husband has suffered? Seriously? My husband hasn't been pursuing me at all since we married 2 weeks after we met. You're just assuming he's the victim because you're only hearing my side.
> 
> I agree with you though my marriage hasn't been my main focus at all. Whether I was pursuing PS, school, work, taking care of family members, my independence, etc. I really haven't put much effort into keeping things alive between my husband and I because of his drinking (which I was told on this board is my fault), but that doesn't mean my husband has put his all into this marriage because I've been lacking. What a huge assumption to make.
> 
> I said this before and I'll say it again: once my husband admits to not only meeting up with the other woman and sleeping with her he doesn't deserve the truth from me. If however I choose to tell him I slept with PS that's my decision on the timing.


Yes your husband has suffered. Imagine being with a wife that is always choosing another man to confide in, to engage with etc, over you.

That takes an incredible toll on ones self esteem.

Then there is the on going sex, and again phone sex is sex. It's even in the name for those who don't realize it at first! I'm guessing his gut has been screaming since day 1 that there is much more than you have admitted to. That's bern eating at him all along, further eroding his self esteem.

You think he may have once cheated, and look how angry and hurt you are. Do you think he really has never suspected you and looser PS of cheating? Imagine what that's been like living with for your entire marriage.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> Tumultuous.


tell us more..


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## dscl (Aug 3, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> step 2 was messaging PS's girlfriend about the true nature of our "friendship"



So you feel PS girlfriend needed to know the true nature of this "friendship", but you don't feel you husband should also?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

mtpromises said:


> Tumultuous.


It shows.

Perhaps you need to find peace and balance within yourself first.


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## IHaveAProblem (May 1, 2013)

mtpromises I think you've gotten all that you will out of this thread. You have a plan of action and you are even getting some counseling. People's idea of helping a marriage around here is how fast they can get it to end.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Lmao


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

IHaveAProblem said:


> mtpromises I think you've gotten all that you will out of this thread. You have a plan of action and you are even getting some counseling. People's idea of helping a marriage around here is how fast they can get it to end.


I realize that now. You're right and I'm doing my best for the time being. Thank you.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You are trying to save the marriage?


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> You are trying to save the marriage?


Probobly she will "try" until she is finished with school it sadly the impression she gives


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

IHaveAProblem said:


> mtpromises I think you've gotten all that you will out of this thread. You have a plan of action and you are even getting some counseling. *People's idea of helping a marriage around here is how fast they can get it to end*.


You`re kidding right?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Jonesey said:


> Probobly she will "try" until she is finished with school it sadly the impression she gives


I just hope she will end both these relationships and move on. There is no marriage here. It was a drunk mistake.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

warlock07 said:


> I just hope she will end both these relationships and move on. There is no marriage here. It was a drunk mistake.


So do i.. Just hopes she come´s to her senses.And realize
it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Jonesey said:


> You`re kidding right?


Meh...have you read THAT guy's thread?


OP...good luck.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

SomedayDig said:


> Meh...have you read THAT guy's thread?
> 
> 
> OP...good luck.


I assume you mean IHaveAProblem
Yeas i have now..Sure picked a suitable name.
Normally i don´t bother reading people´s thread
when the make statement´s like that...
Especially sense ,say what you want about TAM
But there is nothing here on this site about "kick to the curb,divorce ASAP) attitude around here.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

How do you cope with this tantrum? Only reading the whole post gave me a headache- so contradicting and twisted behavior, from all the parties involved !
Lose both guys. Get a divorce and remove PS too from your life. He's nothing but toxic, all those ups and downs !
Find yourself a new, normal guy and learn to be faithful. Some counseling would not harm you either, you could use some professional help.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I'm bumping my thread because of new details. I can use all the advice I can get.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

It's on the first page, but I'll copy and paste:

*UPDATE:

On 9/12/13 at 6:08PM I confessed to my husband over the phone that I cheated on him in November 2012 with my ex. I'm at my parents currently after filing a restraining order today against my husband that won't go into effect until tomorrow when I go back to the court house.

I haven't filed for a separation yet. Things have been terrible between us. Last night my husband was detained by the police for threatening one our neighbors with a knife. He was really drunk so they brought him home. I finally had enough and that's why I filed the restraining order.

I asked him tonight if he wants to go to counseling, stay married, or what and he said it's up to me. Right now I'm waiting for him to call me back after I confessed to cheating.

I'll give him full disclosure. I believe he and I are done.

I'll update after he calls back.*


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The person I feel very sorry for is your husband. He's got some very bad daemons bothering him, and to top it off you've cheated on him emotionally your entire marriage and physically a few times

Now he's the one facing the RO and being booted out of his own home. It's like the poor guy can't get a break.

I'm curious has your husband finished high school? Has he ever been treated when in jail for his obvious alcoholism?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> The person I feel very sorry for is your husband. He's got some very bad daemons bothering him, and to top it off you've cheated on him emotionally your entire marriage and physically a few times
> 
> Now he's the one facing the RO and being booted out of his own home. It's like the poor guy can't get a break.
> 
> I'm curious has your husband finished high school? Has he ever been treated when in jail for his obvious alcoholism?


The RO is my final step really. There are accusations of my husband pimping that female neighbor (that's why the police are involved and I believe the investigation is active) he threatened with the knife which would make sense because he's been disappearing all night and most of the day since the beginning of the month. 

If my husband doesn't leave I'll face another eviction. We were almost evicted from this same place in February because of his alcohol induced. rages.

My husband doesn't want help with his alcoholism so he's never received any type of treatment for it anywhere. I hope he'll go to rehab or a mental facility. Tomorrow I finalize the RO and I'll probably file for a separation.

I can't have an eviction on my credit. My husband can't leave the neighbors alone, what else can I do?


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

We ended up talking again. For a minute I contemplated cancelling the RO tomorrow if I can. Then I called back after coming home from the store and some man answered. Looks like my apartment is turning into the party zone. 

My husband told me that it's up to me if I want to go through with the legal separation and that he doesn't want to discuss my cheating any further. I feel helpless.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You lead a very interesting life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Some people are addicted to drama and cannot be helped.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Holy crap you have poor taste in men. This might be a shock but most men are not like this.

You need to stop tolerating this behavior and get some self respect. PS and your H were both mistakes, accept that and move on the better things (and don't ever think about cheating for any reason again).


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You lead a very interesting life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


More like a pathetic life.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

ironman said:


> Some people are addicted to drama and cannot be helped.


I can see why you typed that. I'm getting rid of the drama today. Court starts in 3 hours for me to finalize the RO.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Holy crap you have poor taste in men. This might be a shock but most men are not like this.
> 
> You need to stop tolerating this behavior and get some self respect. PS and your H were both mistakes, accept that and move on the better things (and don't ever think about cheating for any reason again).


My taste in everything is terrible. I'll see if the RO will be a positive change in my life. I'll file the separation at a later date (probably next week). 

I always end up giving men so many chances to treat me like crap. I put up with my husband and PS for way too long. It's time to move on.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

I'll update after court.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

mtpromises said:


> I can see why you typed that. I'm getting rid of the drama today. Court starts in 3 hours for me to finalize the RO.


You are getting rid of *some* drama today. Unless you grow up and start acting responsibly and changing your ways, you are just moving onto new drama. Remember you are the cause and brought lots of this drama into your life, and only you have the power to change and stop it from happening over again.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Squeakr said:


> You are getting rid of *some* drama today. Unless you grow up and start acting responsibly and changing your ways, you are just moving onto new drama. Remember you are the cause and brought lots of this drama into your life, and only you have the power to change and stop it from happening over again.


I guess I should've done a full update on my life. Well here it goes:

*In May I started IC. I've been going consistently every month since and it's really helping. I've also been on an anti-depressant since last month and it's helping me lose weight. School started again and my classes are going smooth. I understand the subject matter and it's helping me apply myself. I'm currently job hunting as well.

Relationship wise my husband and I celebrated 3 years together in June. That was also the month PS sent me a break up text  but not before his child's mother and I had a four hour long conversation about him, our lives, and etc. Come to find out PS hadn't seen his child in 6 months and my view of him changed not that I thought he was an upstanding young man or anything. It's just his child's mother confirmed PS is a POS.
*

While I completely understand what you're saying I have to let you know steps are already being taken to improve my life and they've been in motion for months now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> More like a pathetic life.


Then stop it. 

Change it. Quit making stupid excuses and change yourself. If you don't like who you are then take steps to change it. 

I recommend you ditch both these losers and spend the next five years or so single and celibate. Work on yourself, educate yourself and get yourself to a point where you no longer need validation from others to know that you have value as a person. 

Rolling around in misery will not get you sympathy here on TAM and it won't in the real world either. 

I'm an alcoholic like your husband. But I'm not an abusive prick. His alcoholism and his tendency towards violence are actually not related. He would be a violent azz even without the booze. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

Court went ok today. I was granted a temporary RO (TRO) and our court date for the permanent RO is set for the first week of October. The way I see things I'll probably be divorced by January or February 2014. 

My husband now has to vacate our apartment as soon as he's served the TRO. I'm contemplating having my dad do it in case the sheriff can't find him at the apartment. He'll be served sometime after Monday. We haven't talked all day and until he's served we can be in communication.

This feels so different, but I know I'm doing what's best for me since he's been doing what he believes is best for him this entire time which was walking all over me.


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> Then stop it.
> 
> Change it. Quit making stupid excuses and change yourself. If you don't like who you are then take steps to change it.
> 
> ...


Who's looking for sympathy? I don't expect anything, but I made this thread and want to keep it updated. You don't have to read any of this.

Thanks for the advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

mtpromises said:


> Who's looking for sympathy? I don't expect anything, but I made this thread and want to keep it updated. You don't have to read any of this.
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


I modified what I said. But it still stands. Your husband is not going to stop his bad behavior just because you wish it. He needs help. Lots of help. 

Bandit out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mtpromises (May 27, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> I modified what I said. But it still stands. Your husband is not going to stop his bad behavior just because you wish it. He needs help. Lots of help.
> 
> Bandit out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I agree with you my husband has so many issues to work on. He just now called and said he was out panhandling like always and then I told him about finalizing things at the court house, he said good. I told him we either need to come together or walk away from each other because this is only going to end badly if we continue down the same destructive path. That's when he hung up. 

It's not the alcohol it's him. He's an abusive person all around. The writing was always on the walls.


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

This is ONE HOT MESS and so are you! Get your crap together. WOW


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