# So lost



## Roxy1 (Jun 19, 2012)

Hi everyone I have been lurking on here for quite a while and have finally plucked up the courage to post.

And apologies this is going to be a long one..

I am 29 my husband is 30 and we have Been married for 4 years, together for a total of 9. we had what I thought at the time was a good sex life when we first got together but looking back it was always me initiating and keeping the spice in things dressing up, going outdoors etc 
Before we got married there was a huge lull in the sex we just didn't have it and I put this down to stress and the fact that we were living at my parents while we bought the house which we were due to move into as we got married, I just thought things would change once we were in our own place. Since we have been married we have had sex a handful of times all initiated by me and just over 12 months ago I decided I could not handle any more rejection or the lack of complete intimacy in our relationship. There is not even any hugs or kisses he just has no emotional response to anything.. So I stopped trying and it's been over 12 months since we have had any sex or real intimacy even the kissing an cuddling just a peck when he leaves for work in the morning. I have sat down and discussed all this with him on many occasions and how I feel (undesired, unloved, heartbroken and unhappy) and how i cannot carry on and everytime he says he will help work on it and nothing changes. 

My husband is a lovely man often described by many as the sort hard to find and in that sense I feel very lucky however the lack of sex and intimacy is killing me and I feel so lost. We have come to have so much of a 'friend' relationship that I'm not even sure I could bring myself to be intimate with him anymore it has been so long. I just don't know what to do or how to deal with it.

Hoping for some friendly advice.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Have you told him how you feel? How this is hurting you and your marriage? Confront him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am very sorry for your pain. You appear to love your husband very much.

You already tried talking to him about your needs so maybe approach it again asking him about his needs? He may blow you off with "everything is fine." Well it's not, for you.

I am curious about his sexual history before you.

Possible reasons for no sex and/or no sex with you:

Asexual
Low Desire only because you used to have sex
Medical issues (ED, etc.)
Sexual abuse
Gay
Cheating/affairs

I am also concerned about the lack of affection. Even lots of asexual folks cuddle, kiss, etc.

Of course you know that MC would be good here, if he refuses, than IC for you.

A hand-written letter with your feelings & concerns may help also.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I am very sorry for your pain. You appear to love your husband very much.
> 
> You already tried talking to him about your needs so maybe approach it again asking him about his needs? He may blow you off with "everything is fine." Well it's not, for you.
> 
> ...


the major reason is porn addiction, IMHO. Maybe 70% of the time...maybe 90% of the time...

Have you found out if he uses porn?

He must have a sexual outlet. Most men who don't have sex do.

And, have you initiated cuddles and so forth, and what happens when you do?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Thanks mattcook! I knew I was forgetting something.......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

At 29 years old I'd cut my losses and let him go. Something is obviously seriously wrong and he obviously has NO interest in fixing it. You deserve better than this. Next time don't assume things will get better.


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## Roxy1 (Jun 19, 2012)

He refuses to go to MC..
I have seriously questioned whether he is gay, he says not.
Has never had a problem with ED 
Definitely no sexual abuse and I doubt the affair he is always home. 

If I cuddle him he will put his arms around me but he is not comfortable there and never really seems to cuddle me back.

I don't know about the porn to b honest he could b using it.

I have sat him down on numerous occasions I'm just afraid that we have been 'friends' for so long that things cold never get back to how they were. And how do you know when enough is enough? Like I said he is a really good guy it's such a difficult decision.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Check the internet history cache on his computer.
If its always clean then he's using porn to substitute sex between both of you.[He masturbates to porn]
At 30 his drive is supposed to be normal.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The question is not whether he's gay or watching porn. It's why is he in a marriage with you when he obviously doesn't wish to have sex with you? Did he expect you would be content to play checkers? If he's a husband, he needs to step up and take care of business like a husband. If he wants a roomie, he needs to get out of the marriage and advertise for a roomie. Right now, he's a fraud.


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## Cookie99 (May 21, 2012)

Just Curious

Does he go with the flow after you initiate and or passionately kiss? Works for me. 

At one time visual and or words did nothing for me and I came out of that for some reason and not sure how I got into it. 

But any initiation by the spouse got me going. Not sure how prevelent but for a time the wife pouted instead of telling me she needed me to initiate and after she did snapped me out of it. 

I know for some guys this does not work but the pasionate kisses do for me right now. cookie


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