# texting



## robert spider (Jul 18, 2019)

I need to talk about my wife constantly texting her old male friend


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

robert spider said:


> I need to talk about my wife constantly texting her old male friend


Her old male friend she is have an EA with? Does she share the conversation? Does she text him first in the morning and a good night before bed? Today, demand you see her phone. No hold on let me delete some crap you don't need to see nonsense. Hand it over immediately. There is not privacy in marriage unless you are in the bathroom. Take a look at what they are text each other.


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

Hi 

Tell us more of what is going on and i am sure you will get good advice .

But i can tell you now that is not good for you .


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

robert spider said:


> I need to talk about my wife constantly texting her old male friend


Tell us more about you, not her.
How are you dealing with it?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

No one does constant what is not important to them.

..........................................................................

It is improper, if done so without informed consent from you. Yay, it just may be her helping him with some such problem.
If vice-versa, tis' a bad hand of cards handed your way.

.........................................................................

These two may have had a burning affair in the past, with the flames now being cool to the touch, ah, the rumblings having never gone dormant.
He is a familiar to her, a familiar is one 'had' in the past, this being a smaller step needed for fresh betrayal.

I assume...

The dance has already been done, maybe the hayride performed. A repeat performance is so this....easier to perpetrate.
She by him....penetrated before, the pleasurable puncture never sealed quite shut.

Talking 'can be' a few words shy of rekindled consummation.

Innocent initial words leading to:

I love you.
Always have.
I miss you.
I want you.
Meet me.

Pray tell, what is it they speak of?


KB-


----------



## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

You better find out what they are texting about and fast . and decide what you are going to do about it .


----------



## robert spider (Jul 18, 2019)

Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Do you actually see the messages or not?


----------



## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

robert spider said:


> Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.


I am not sure that you READ what the others wrote. 

Odd's are that they are having an emotional affair at the very least. Is he in the same town? Does she travel?

This should bother you, but you need to figure out what is going on and be sure what you are dealing with. 

That will tell you what you are dealing with. Will she let you look at her phone, does she delete texts?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Emotional Affair or not, your wife has forgotten a very important thing:-

*She is now a married woman.*

But she acts as if she is still single.

This blatant disrespect must be stopped. Now.


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

From what you wrote, you need to take a solid stand now.

Ask your "wife" for her phone so you can look at what she is texting - if she hesitates at all, you need to be prepared to leave the relationship.

Read the thread in the CWI section and you can find out why.

Good luck.


----------



## robert spider (Jul 18, 2019)

How do i find this cwi section? i am new to all of this.


----------



## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

robert spider said:


> How do i find this cwi section? i am new to all of this.


Coping With Infidelity...as a new member it will now become available to you in Forums


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@robert spider I have moved your thread to CWI.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

A marriage cannot work with three people in it. 

If your wife keeps bringing the other man into the mix, then you have a hard decision to make. 

She is acting more "married" with the "friend" than she is with you. Instead of working out a problem or disagreement with you, she runs to him.

Sorry, but that is a marriage on paper only.


----------



## robert spider (Jul 18, 2019)

Oh ok thankyou.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. This is not good. At the very least they are having an emotional affair. You need to get your hands on that phone or install webwatcher or some other similiar related app.
Demand to see the phone immediately. If she refuses you have your answer. Does she keep a password on her phone you don't know? Does she take the phone everywhere with her hardly leaving her sight?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

robert spider said:


> Oh ok thankyou.


Oh, OK, what now?

Some of us, myself, am tarred black and guilty, having fired from the hip with blanks, having no data to point at. We shot our wad, given away some of our many boilerplate talking points, expecting her 'bare' facts to come out of the woods, there on Vancouver Island.

Give us all the facts on this matter that you possess.

If you are bewildered by all this buzz, you are not alone, nor a lion.

Thank you.




KB-


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

robert spider said:


> *I need to talk about my wife (who is)constantly texting her old male friend.*


*This does not sound anywhere near being  appro pos!

You have every right to be suspicious! Don't let your guard down!*


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @robert spider I have moved your thread to CWI.


It may be that you moved it beyond his present knowledgeable reach.

You transplanted his thread into another sewing machine and he cannot hem a stitch with the switch.

Not all folks are computer literate.

KB-


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It will take him here automatically.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It will take him here automatically.


I am so jealous of your magic, Matt! :surprise:

We must meet later and we must exchange spells and......

King Brian-


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

robert spider said:


> Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.


Shut it down now. Nope, I don't care what anyone says or how it could be innocent. Shut it down.


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> robert spider said:
> 
> 
> > Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.
> ...


Agreed. I have a male work friend who is gay that I used to text with non-stop before we got married. They know each and like each other but my husband put an end to that constant texting quick. Of course I argued it because he is no threat (if anything he wants my husband). But my husband said he didn’t care who it was, no guy was going to be that emotionally attached to me or our lives. You don’t need to prove the friend is a romantic threat to stop it.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> Agreed. I have a male work friend who is gay that I used to text with non-stop before we got married. They know each and like each other but my husband put an end to that constant texting quick. Of course I argued it because he is no threat (if anything he wants my husband). But my husband said he didn’t care who it was, no guy was going to be that emotionally attached to me or our lives. You don’t need to prove the friend is a romantic threat to stop it.


They are never a threat...until they are.


Also, I never trust the "gay" reason at all. I personally know of one divorce, one guy who used it to get close to women and multiple threads here that have reinforced my belief.


----------



## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Do you have the passcode to her phone?

Get the phone recovery software Fonelab and recover the deleted texts and any other photos, videos, or cheater app messages that she may have deleted - if there were any.

Fonelab has iPhone and Android versions. 

Get ahold of her phone and any old phone of hers. Run the recovery in secret, maybe while she is sleeping. 

Then you'll know what's really going on.


----------



## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

Do not keep approaching her about this. If she isn't cheating or is having what SHE considers an innocent relationship (hint... If she is blowing off your concerns, not showing you the messages, all messages, and communicating with him more than you, something is almost definitely happening.) Then approaching her with common sense will not work.

If she is straight-up having an affair... She will only continue to lie. She will never see the value of the truth while in an affair. The remorseful spouse admitting to an affair without evidence is almost a myth. I sure as hell didn't until well after the affair was over.

So you have to get sneaky. 

I know you probably feel it will make things worse... But, doing nothing but whining and moaning a bit, is worse. It shows weakness and an inability to do a damn thing.

So you get evidence. You get sneaky. It's tasteless, but SHE forced you to this point. People have a right to know the truth about their spouse's relationships with other people.

I'm guessing she is deleting messages. Download fonelab or a tracking and spy app and get into that damn phone. You can also use a var.

Basically, do your research and find the method most likely to work for you. Be careful. She might not use regular texts to talk about anything too risky. She could be using social media or a secret email. 

Look, if she catches you, all you need to do is tell her the truth. She is having an inappropriate relationship with another man. And if she isn't, she shouldn't have a problem proving it. 

Her husband is distressed over her relationship with another man. She should be bending over backward to DHOW him, that he is wrong. With evidence!

If she is blowing off your concern... then even if she isn't having an affair, she is already primed for one.

Just think about that. Her husband, you, is concerned. What's so hard about letting you see the truth? 

I'm a former wayward spouse. So i understand a bit more than most how these things get started.

At first, you think it innocent. You think they are a friend. You give yourself excuses and continue to push boundaries.

Once you cross those lines it's all downhill from there. The weight of the secrets becomes a force that only keeps pushing you down that path while you continue to give yourself excuses. 

Moral of the story... during my affair, there is no way in hell I had the presence of mind to see clearly and admit what the AFFAIR had become. I was a mess. And so is your wife if I had to guess.

It's possible as well, that YOU are the other man. It's possible seeing as you say she has been friends with this man before you even became involved.

So... go get your own info and evidence. She isn't going to help you at this point. Don't worry about her "privacy". You're married to the woman. Pooping time is about the only privacy warranted in a marriage.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm a simple type of guy. I would text him myself and tell him to knock it off and if this text isn't enough I'll soon see him face to face if need be.

Then I would tell my wife there are boundaries I expect in marriage ..... and this is non-negotiable.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Is it only texting? Or are they seeing each other face to face as well?

How far away is he?


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Bluesclues said:


> Agreed. I have a male work friend who is gay that I used to text with non-stop before we got married. They know each and like each other but my husband put an end to that constant texting quick. Of course I argued it because he is no threat (if anything he wants my husband). But my husband said he didn’t care who it was, no guy was going to be that emotionally attached to me or our lives. You don’t need to prove the friend is a romantic threat to stop it.


This makes sense...most people wouldn't be cool with there spouse constantly texting someone. Its not about controlling them, its about them being considerate, and I'd think regardless of the friends gender, and even if its strictly platonic...I don't think any of us would want our spouse that attached to someone else. I guess the same could go for momma's boys. With that said it appears OP never established this boundary, so it will be tough to do at this point. She is most likely going to push back very hard, because from her vantage point he seemed ok with it. I wish him luck.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

robert spider said:


> Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.


So your wife confides in him about everything. That's an emotional affair.

What have you done to stop this?
Do you want to stop this?
Do you want to be with someone that acts this way?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This should have been stopped before you ever got married. Why did you go along with this beforehand? I doubt they have anything sexual going on, but to make another man such a priority in her life and to be confiding constantly in him is inappropriate. You as her spouse are supposed to be her number one, her go-to. This is going to be tough to change because you went into this marriage knowing all about this.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

There is very likely more in those text than you think ...... or that you want to admit to yourself.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> There is very likely more in those text than you think ...... or that you want to admit to yourself.


It doesn't matter in one way because it is emotional energy that she should be spending on her husband, sexual content or not.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I don't even like my wife sharing some things with our grown kids.

Sharing everything with an "old male friend" would be absolutely inappropriate in marriage. She would be given a choice - stop or leave.

But that's just me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It doesn't matter in one way because it is emotional energy that she should be spending on her husband, sexual content or not.


Yes, THIS!!


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

robert spider said:


> Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.


You cannot change another person, wife or not.
Stop focusing on her actions and focus on you and what you can actually change. 
And quit talking to her as if she listens to you!
She could care less what you have to say.......but what does she want??
She wants to see some action from you.....
Get to it.


----------



## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> robert spider said:
> 
> 
> > Well we have been married for just over two years now and even before we were married she said this was an old friend from way back.I have met him once .The problem i have is they are always texting each other more than we do.So whenever or whatever we are doing weather its good or argument she confides in him by texting everything that has happened.I get mad because he does not need to know every detail that is going on with us i am really getting upset with this situation.
> ...


Could you be any more vague? If he didn't understand before... This won't help him.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

How has your sex life been for the last couple of years? Normally, if there is a sexual component to the emotional affair, the odds are your sex life would have gone through some changes. Usually, frequency drops off or stops altogether. Less often, it may increase or n frequency. Rarely will it stay the same unless it’s already bad.

The age difference in them means nothing. There are threads here with more age difference than this including affairs with relatives and in laws.


----------



## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> How has your sex life been for the last couple of years? Normally, if there is a sexual component to the emotional affair, the odds are your sex life would have gone through some changes. Usually, frequency drops off or stops altogether. Less often, it may increase or n frequency. Rarely will it stay the same unless it’s already bad.
> 
> The age difference in them means nothing. There are threads here with more age difference than this including affairs with relatives and in laws.


Honestly, I feel really strange about this situation. Its not unheard of for someone to marry someone else..if they feel the person they want to be with isn't going to marry them. The one poster that said the OP could be the "other man" may be right. I would suggest he do some very serious digging.


----------



## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

FoolishOne said:


> Could you be any more vague? If he didn't understand before... This won't help him.


Some people speak in broad strokes and some are laser focused....its all good.

Let's not make it about us, and let's help this dude when he returns with more feedback and backstory (hopefully).

I'm sure I'm not the only one who has an icky feeling about her bestie.


----------



## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I have always said "you can't win a war by hiding in a foxhole". Well, in the same vein, you can't solve a problem by keeping it to yourself. Time to tell her of your concerns, and I mean all your concerns. If she is a wife who wants to keep her happy marriage and not an immature woman, who thinks her husband is being suspicious without cause, she will listen and make adjustments. I don't care how close the friend appears to be you don't go sharing things that should remain between husband and wife and you don't make a habit of meeting this "friend" on a regular basis without your husband. Ask her what she would think if you were meeting a female "friend" a couple of times a week without her. Or texting the "friend" more than you text her. Time to "Let the dogs out" and put it all on the table. I do wish you well.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Chaparral said:


> How has your sex life been for the last couple of years? Normally, if there is a sexual component to the emotional affair, the odds are your sex life would have gone through some changes. Usually, frequency drops off or stops altogether. Less often, it may increase or n frequency. Rarely will it stay the same unless it’s already bad.
> 
> The age difference in them means nothing. There are threads here with more age difference than this including affairs with relatives and in laws.


What age difference? I don't recall anyone assigning an age to the "old friend". "Old" could mean a guy around her age that she has been friends with for a very long time.

But that beings up a question I was going to ask. Just how old is this "old friend" and how old is your wife?


----------

