# I don't know how to approach this



## emilyabcd77 (Nov 9, 2012)

My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for a little less than 1. He has been married before, had a bad experience with the ex, which is why it took us to long to actually make it official. I keep thinking about having children. We have had the discussion many many times, but when my husband was 18, he had a son, who died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital. Very tramatic for him. My husband is self employeed, and about to have surgery, and hasn't worked in awhile. I have a great job, which I absolutely love, and also have a part time job, to pay the bills. Money wise, this is not a good time to have kids, but I feel like if we wait for the "perfect time" it is never going to happen. Plus the husband gets kind of scared when we talk about it, because of losing his son. I don't know what to do, I feel like if I would just get pregnant, we would be so happy, and it would work out, but I feel like if I wait for him to say "ok, lets try" it might never happen... I know it is wrong.. but what if I just stop taking my BC pills. I think it is worse right now too bc I just found out my co-worker is pregnant.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Unless you both are mutually in agreement about having a baby, don't go making the decision for you both. That's wrong.

He should be on board with you. If he's not, then you guys need to keep talking about it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Getting pregnant without his consent is not going to bring you closer together. It's going to make him feel betrayed and cheated by you. Even if he is a great father, he will never value you the same again. 

And for the record, having a child ADDS strain to relationships. It never ever eases it. Yes, children can be a joy, but they also happen to be extremely demanding on parents' time and resources. If you add dishonesty to the mix, you're going to regret the effects it has on your relationship.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

You have some major issues, the thought of tricking your husband into pregnancy is abhorrent.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Did your H ever get counseling to help him deal with the grief of losing his first son? 

DO NOT bring a child into a relationship under false pretenses. That may cause your H to resent the child; which is totally unfair to the child as he/she had nothing to do with your shenanigans!! Either you're both on board or no baby yet!!!!


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

Not good timing. He's already stressed and under pressure being jobless and about to have surgery. Don't add to his stress. 

Councelling would be a good idea after he gets on his feet to help him deal with the grief surrounding his son's death. But it may not change his mind about having children. If this is a deal breaker for you, you will have to make some choices about the relationship. But please don't take matters into your own hands on this. You probably won't like the results.


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## vcy0812 (Nov 9, 2012)

The best thing to do is wait for him to be ready too. If you get pregnant on purpose you will just push him away because he won't be ready. This is a big decision that should be made by both of you. 

Losing a child is tragic, and he may feel like he couldn't give himself fully to your child while still mourning the loss of the other one. The best thing to do is talk to him about it. Maybe he wants to wait until you guys are financially stable and he is in good health and ready for another child.


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## tuff1 (Oct 23, 2012)

emilyabcd77 said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for a little less than 1. He has been married before, had a bad experience with the ex, which is why it took us to long to actually make it official. I keep thinking about having children. We have had the discussion many many times, but when my husband was 18, he had a son, who died in a car accident on the way home from the hospital. Very tramatic for him. My husband is self employeed, and about to have surgery, and hasn't worked in awhile. I have a great job, which I absolutely love, and also have a part time job, to pay the bills. Money wise, this is not a good time to have kids, but I feel like if we wait for the "perfect time" it is never going to happen. Plus the husband gets kind of scared when we talk about it, because of losing his son. I don't know what to do, I feel like if I would just get pregnant, we would be so happy, and it would work out, but I feel like if I wait for him to say "ok, lets try" it might never happen... I know it is wrong.. but what if I just stop taking my BC pills. I think it is worse right now too bc I just found out my co-worker is pregnant.


my friend, I'm gonna approach your issue from the perspective of someone who is partnered with a compulsive liar and I would considered myself a bit foolish for putting up with the lies. Ok here we goes.You need to look at your husband's behaviors and attitude. Would he respond very badly to you stopping BC and just got pregnant without him knowing it? Is his first son really the reason he doesn't want to have kid, or is there something else to it? What is his stand on trust in relationship? When you sneak behind his back (getting pregnant), for sure that violates his trust for you. How do you think he would respond? Look back in the past, have you done anything that violated his trust, how was it? Have you seen anyone done anything to your husband that makes him distrustful? Use those instances to make an educated guess of his behavior.

My partner lies a lot, and I put up with all that, because I love him. But deep down in some corner of my soul, I know it's not a stable situation to be in. Sooner or later, when the house burns down, the rats will come out. Ideally,we should be honest and truthful. But it's quite complicated when it comes to these ethical issues. What is ethical for some, might not be so for others. Say, you respect your husband and not having kids, then it is not fair for you. 

Hope my 2 cent helped.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi, I am sorry that you are ready for kids and your husband is not. But, do NOT do it without his consent. He does need to get grief counseling and feel better about having a child when all that pain and terror had been processed some more. 
When you have a baby you will want to stay home with him/her. I worked all my life and thought stay at home mom's were lazy- haha- it is the hardest job in the world. You will need/very, very much want to quit working completely or at least some and so that will not be possible while he id not working. He's going to HAVE to support you while your child is young unless you want to have this tiny little baby and leave it at day care for most of its growing years. Get him counseling and a job and then have your baby and you will be happy


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

How old are you both?


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## emilyabcd77 (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the replies. I knew what the answer was while typing the message, guess it just took me hearing it from several "outside" people. I really appreciate all your advise.


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