# Same sex fantasies- to share or not to share with my husband?



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

Well, after much, much, much denial, I can finally admit that I was lusting after another woman. 

I've been married for over 10 years, in my 30's and no history of infidelity in our marriage. 

Is this something I should express to my husband? He's made mention of it before that even expressing an interest in a fantasy, like being with someone of the same-sex, is cheating. So I'm apprehensive. 

Any other women (with the same fantasy) on here share that with their husband?


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

How much of the situation with the woman that you were "lusting after" does your H already know?

He encouraged you in seeing her and persuing a friendship, so could he have been hoping for something like that, or are you hoping for that still?

You don't seem to have let this go at all.


----------



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

kristin2349 said:


> How much of the situation with the woman that you were "lusting after" does your H already know?
> 
> He encouraged you in seeing her and persuing a friendship, so could he have been hoping for something like that, or are you hoping for that still?
> 
> You don't seem to have let this go at all.


No, not with her. I think I've had this issue before, just finally realizing it now. 

I don't want him to get angry about it. I'd like to ask him to watch some girl-on-girl porn with me, but worried he'll be upset or feel insecure. 

I think this is a latent fantasy that I've been having trouble with for a while and it's time to address it.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> Well, after much, much, much denial, I can finally admit that I was lusting after another woman.
> 
> I've been married for over 10 years, in my 30's and no history of infidelity in our marriage.
> 
> ...


Maybe get him educated on women's sexuality first. The bolded comment is a problem if he meant it, but it is coming from a place of ignorance...


----------



## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

It is hard to tell how he will respond, lots of guys like the idea in theory. When they don't think there is any danger of it happening. But he might also feel threatened and insecure. 

I know if it was a situation where my H or BF expressed interest in other men, and wanted to watch guy on guy porn together I'd be out. I'm just not really someone who thinks sexuality is all that fluid, others have much easier time accepting it. Hard to say what your H will think not knowing him.


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

he sounds like the kind of guy who won't be into it.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Lots of women are turned on by lesbian porn, as well as gay porn. I think it's totally normal and sex research has demonstrated that women tend to sexually respond to all erotic scenarios, scenes in which the emotion of arousal and desire are evident while men are more selective in what they find erotic...go figure!

If your husband is threatened by these facts and feels it is cheating....um does this mean he doesn't ever watch porn either?

But you mention your lust might be more centered on a particular woman so you have to ask yourself how strong is this attraction and how likely will you be able to never ever ever act on it?

I personally think openly communicating these thoughts and feeling to your husband is the only way you two will get through it, together. It may take MC to give you both the tools and education to cope and understand the relevance this should and or does play in your marriage.


----------



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

That's the aspect that troubles me is that I'm generally not attracted to women in any way. It's been 3 specific women, during my adulthood.




Anon Pink said:


> Lots of women are turned on by lesbian porn, as well as gay porn. I think it's totally normal and sex research has demonstrated that women tend to sexually respond to all erotic scenarios, scenes in which the emotion of arousal and desire are evident while men are more selective in what they find erotic...go figure!
> 
> If your husband is threatened by these facts and feels it is cheating....um does this mean he doesn't ever watch porn either?
> 
> ...


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

you know your husband better than any of us, how is your open communication between the both of you?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> That's the aspect that troubles me is that I'm generally not attracted to women in any way. It's been 3 specific women, during my adulthood.


As you go through life, people will come and go and one or two might jump into your fantasies. Normal. To be expected. Doesn't mean your marriage is in the crapper or there is something wrong. 

I'm married not dead!

What is wrong is NOT taking appropriate steps to strengthen and solidify your marriage when these things happen.

So what do you need to do the strengthen and solidify your marriage?


----------



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

I'm very honest about everything and he's the opposite, lol. 

I'm thinking he's going to take it as a blow to his male ego.



Xenote said:


> you know your husband better than any of us, how is your open communication between the both of you?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> I'm very honest about everything and he's the opposite, lol.
> 
> I'm thinking he's going to take it as a blow to his male ego.


Almost 30 years married and only in the past 5 or so years have I learned that while the male ego "reacts" easily, it also rebounds. Men aren't forever damaged by little ego shakes. Give your man a little more faith.

However, I'm sure you know how to reassure him that you still love him, still desire him, and still want him. Usually it's best to sandwich the bad between two pieces of good. You'll figure it out.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Men are not that fragile, we are arrogance and slightly stupid at times. Sit him and down and tell, remember its a fantasy, it may or may not happen, at least with out his consent. Whether its this woman or any other woman, you are exploring and understanding that you have bi tendency and you want to share that with him. Maybe its just watching lesbian porn....maybe its more but either way you need to include him in order for him to have a better understanding of what your going through.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Just a thought... WHy not watch a DVD that has a lesbian scene or two on it and gauge his reaction? No reason to share this if it will cause problems.Your fantasy shouldn't shake your marriage........However, if this really is a prelude to ACTING on the fantasy, that's a different story.


----------



## ConfusionHasRunRampant (Apr 1, 2015)

No, the woman I had a crush on is blocked from my phone and facebook and I have no other women on the horizon, lol...j/k. 

I understand what you're saying. Thanks for the input.



KanDo said:


> Just a thought... WHy not watch a DVD that has a lesbian scene or two on it and gauge his reaction? No reason to share this if it will cause problems.Your fantasy shouldn't shake your marriage........However, if this really is a prelude to ACTING on the fantasy, that's a different story.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I had a girlfriend in college that really liked to watch girl on girl porn. That was pretty much the only way she got super aroused and THEN we would have sex. It was probably the only time in my life that I actually felt very threatened by my own porn collection.

All the other college guys on my hall were super jealous that my girlfriend liked porn. Either that or they were hazing me with false encouragement in hopes that everything would blow up in my face. Guys are just weird that way! 

As for that girlfriend, after it ended I cut off my long curly hair (past my shoulders) my sophomore year as it did make me look a somewhat feminine and traded it in for a clean cut with a beard. 

Not sure if my experience will help, but knowing that something arouses you that your husband can not provide will very likely freak him out a bit and possibly make him possibly question his own masculinity. Just so you know...

Cheers, 
Badsanta


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I would say that if it is just a fantasy, and you have no intention of acting out on it with a real woman, then tell your husband about it. If you are honest and assure him you have no intent of cheating on him with another woman, then he might actually be responsive in a way that would surprise you. The two of you could actually figure out a way to use your fantasy in a love-making session to get each other off. 

I've had girlfriends who had girl-on-girl experiences before meeting me, and it never really bothered me. But that is because I have conditioned myself not to fear cheating, because I will dump that person immediately if I find out they are. I dump them clean and I don't look back... no matter how attached I am to them. So without that fear present, I can actually accept some pretty freaky stuff with an open mind.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> No, not with her. I think I've had this issue before, just finally realizing it now.
> 
> I don't want him to get angry about it. I'd like to ask him to watch some girl-on-girl porn with me, *but worried he'll be upset or feel insecure.
> *
> I think this is a *latent fantasy that I've been having trouble with for a while and it's time to address it.*





ConfusionHasRunRampant said:


> I'm very honest about everything and he's the opposite, lol.
> 
> I'm thinking *he's going to take it as a blow to his male ego*.


You probably know him better than anyone and what his reaction will be. I would recommend against having a real affair as that is very destructive to a marriage and you have many years of marriage with him.

I am going to suggest a couple "outside the box" ideas for you to consider.

Could you take your H to a strip club as a birthday or anniversary present? It could even be a surprise. That way you could get a sexy female stripper to give him and you a lap dance and treat it as a light hearted lark. After you get home you could always ask him what he though and tell him you found the whole thing both shocking and surprisingly erotic. That way you get to dabble with your fantasy and yet not really cheat on him. It might also give you a way of talking about some of the things you are not sure his ego could handle.

In college one of the popular mixers was to go to a burlesque show with dates. Most of the women were skeptical, but loved it and loved talking about it for months later. Your H might be the same way. If a strip club or gentlemans club isn't for you how about a Vegas type stage show with scantily clad women?

Another thought would be ask him if he might be into sexual roleplaying with you. If so ask him about some of his fantasies. Depending on what they are, do one or two of them and then ask him to do a sex role reversal with you were he plays the part of the woman and you play the part of the man. The both of you can do this in the privacy of your own home and dress up for the parts. Then you can pretent to have sex with a lady. Again, after it is all over talk to him about his feelings and then share some of yours.

You can explore your fantasy with your husband in safe ways that do not seriously compromise your marriage. 

Good luck to you.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ConfusionRR,

Correct me if I'm wrong, but from what you wrote it sounds like you have already been in an emotional affair with 1, 2 or 3 women. You mentioned that you blocked one woman from contacting you, that's actually very serious.

And yes it's very possible for you to fall for a woman, but not have an attraction to women in general, since you fall in love with the person. At my work awhile back one of my coworkers, a lesbian, was attracted to me, I'm male. I met her need for conversation and although nothing happened and I wouldn't have allowed it to happen, I've always found it somewhat funny. 

Tamat


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Just my two cents but before you take this any further, assume the roles are reversed and ask yourself how you would feel if you were your husband.

The second thing is this. Before you spring this on your husband, how does this lady you have to hots for feel about it and does she know? If she has no idea and bring this fantasy to light with your husband and there isn't a third person, then what?


----------

