# Casual Dating during Divorce



## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

What's your take about casual dating during divorce process ? 
Nothing emotional, just casual and protected
We adopted 50/50 child custody arrangement so it won't affect the kids since the dates will happen when they are with their dad


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I personally would suggest you wait.

It really has the potential for bringing all kinds of problems into your life. I would suggest you go make friends and do things you have not been able to do. Such as hobbies. Visit family. 

Allow yourself time to heal. 

Clay


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My take was No. 

I was nowhere near ready for dating during my divorce process. 

Some people are fine with it. Just make sure you tell the people you are dating what the deal is.

I personally don't date married/separated people.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It depends. There's so many factors in the divorce process.

Usually, when one person is ready to get divorced, there is an emotional separation that makes it easier to let go than what the other spouse experiences. The healing time could be shorter and hence the idea of dating again.

But technically, you are still married. And dating again makes you "look" like you're cheating. There are some people out there that will risk a casual date with you. Most will not. Not to mention what your stbx will feel about it...

In the meantime, you have to decide what "casual" means to you. Is it a free meal? Is it wanting to feel attractive again after a divorce? Is it wanting stimulating conversation with another grown up? Is there a component of sex involved?

All these things should be considered before you start looking again for Mr/Ms Right. If you feel you are ready for it, then dive in. If not, give a chance to let the ink dry before somebody else's heart aflutter.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

usually, no, but some divorces seem to take years.

ask your lawyer about this issue.

how far along are you in the divorce process? is your spouse dating? is the divorce 100% certain to be completed? is your spouse contesting anything? are they looking for stuff to hold against you? are they vindictive? are you in a state where infidelity can be used against you in the divorce?

and obviously you'd disclose to the person you're dating real status, married but in the process of divorcing.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Absolutely no dating.

Shouldn't you be healing/recovering after the divorce anyways? 

It takes time to heal (usually good 6 months/year+)

Before you jump into another relationship, make sure you are LEGALLY ready and MENTALLY ready. 

OR, you will simply be setting yourself up for another failure.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It depends on your circumstances, and what you want to get out of dating. My choice was to start dating immediately after I moved out, and I'm glad I did. I will make the distinction that the marriage had been over for years, and mourning it had already happened in the time before I moved out, so I was emotionally ready to move on, but without rushing. I figured I'd date many women before being ready to enter an new LTR, which is how it worked out.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I didn't "date." I had male friends that I hung out with. I paid my own way, we met most times (I drove myself,) and we usually (heh) left seperately. My divorce was NASTY, lasted almost 2 years. 

I got tired of "seeing friends" and took about 6 months to myself. Then I started "dating" and met my current BF.

Honestly, it's all up to you. Personally, I chose to keep my friendships very discreet, because I was afraid my ex would try to use something against me. (He moved in with another woman before the divorce was final, so I did quit worrying so much at that point.) I was basically just having fun. I say go for it if you choose, but don't jump into anything permanent too fast.

My divorce was filed at the courthouse on the 16th and my ex was married on the 19th. I still don't understand how he could do that. The blasted ink wasn't even dry. LOL!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with "Married but Happy". I dated very shortly after separating, but felt like my marriage was over long before that. That was over 3 years ago, and my first GF after separating and I are still together. 

Everyone is different. I'm not saying that you SHOULD date while separated, but if you're ready, it's ok by me. For what that's worth. Definitely keep the kids out of it. My kids only recently met my SO, and I told my STBXW about the same time that I was seeing someone. In fact, we kept things on the quiet from everyone. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GA HEART said:


> I didn't "date." I had male friends that I hung out with. I paid my own way, we met most times (I drove myself,) and we usually (heh) left seperately. My divorce was NASTY, lasted almost 2 years.
> 
> I got tired of "seeing friends" and took about 6 months to myself. Then I started "dating" and met my current BF.
> 
> ...


He can only do that with a completely ignorant and blind woman. That's how.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I think if there's ANY chance you get back together, I would wait.

I also wouldn't date if it affects you in the divorce. Some states it's considered cheating and can hurt you in asset division.

If you're still thinking about your ex, it means you're not ready.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

DoF said:


> He can only do that with a completely ignorant and blind woman. That's how.


Maybe. Maybe not. That seems like an unsubstantiated and harsh judgment, IMO.

My divorce took over 7 years for various reasons. I lived with my now wife for nearly 6 of those. We got married 90 days after my divorce was final, and only waited that long because I wanted to be technically single for a short time before being married again.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> Maybe. Maybe not. That seems like an unsubstantiated and harsh judgment, IMO.


Yea, I could be pretty harsh! 



Married but Happy said:


> My divorce took over 7 years for various reasons. I lived with my now wife for nearly 6 of those. We got married 90 days after my divorce was final, and only waited that long because I wanted to be technically single for a short time before being married again.


Above seems fine to me and # of examples below are ok too.

It really all depends how long has the relationship been over.....if it's been YEARS anyways, and the person has already gotten over it/healed.....go nuts. But just be careful from legal perspective (giving your ex evidence of cheating with actions) etc.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

He had an affair and we decided to reconciliate but it didn't work out, so emotional wise i have checked out for quite some time. 
Casual here mean dinner and protected sex, possibly movie. Non relationship stuff like texting except to decide when and where

The kicker here is stbx still wants to try to patch things up but i truly don't. If he knows it'll possibly hurt him. 
But we're separated now with the paper already filed, does it still count as cheating ?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DoF said:


> Absolutely no dating.
> 
> Shouldn't you be healing/recovering after the divorce anyways?
> 
> ...


Who says dating means anything about a serious relationship. I personally believe positive dating experiences will keep one from getting depressed and focusing on the past.

I don't think a man or woman heals in a vaccum. Those little nuggets of time, care and attention that they get from others are extremely valuable.

That being said, I'm a serious fan of anyone going through a divorce, has been cheated on,e tc to go out there and be around people who look at you in a good light.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> But we're separated now with the paper already filed, does it still count as cheating ?


Legally, no - it has no impact at least in the states I know about, unless it started before separating. Obviously, moral opinions differ, but you've already seen my perspective.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

ire8179 said:


> He had an affair and we decided to reconciliate but it didn't work out, so emotional wise i have checked out for quite some time.
> Casual here mean dinner and protected sex, possibly movie. Non relationship stuff like texting except to decide when and where
> 
> The kicker here is stbx still wants to try to patch things up but i truly don't. If he knows it'll possibly hurt him.
> But we're separated now with the paper already filed, does it still count as cheating ?


In the eyes of the law you're still married. So if you live in a state that punishes infidelity in marital asset division, yes it can affect you. Most states did away with this but there are a few left. I think about 10 or so.

And you didn't really answer the question. Is there ANY way you could get back together? If he said and did all the right things would you consider it? If it's even a possibility you are doing yourself a great disservice by seeing other people.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

COguy said:


> In the eyes of the law you're still married. So if you live in a state that punishes infidelity in marital asset division, yes it can affect you. Most states did away with this but there are a few left. I think about 10 or so.
> 
> And you didn't really answer the question. Is there ANY way you could get back together? If he said and did all the right things would you consider it? If it's even a possibility you are doing yourself a great disservice by seeing other people.


We live in no-fault state so it won't affect me

To me the chance of us getting back together is <5%, we reconciled for 2 years, he said and did all the right thing for FWH but it just didn't work out. If there's any lesson from this, is i figured out that i'm the type of person who think cheating is a deal-breaker. I tried so so hard until i hated my own self, still not working


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It's not like I'm opposed to your dating, I just think you're not ready. I think you should give it some time. Divorces are somewhat traumatic to begin with coupled with an ex who still wants to get back together make for some confusing times.

I think that trying to find "you" again is a process you haven't started yet. Make some new friends, try a new hobby or activity. Regain who you are as a single person before jumping head first into dating. Adjusting to single life is more than the ability to date. And if that's your first instinct, then that's a signal you aren't ready.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like you want to date. Only thing I would tell you is to be open with everyone you go out with that you are still married/going through a divorce right now. It's only right.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I read it as she wants a "FWB" type relationship, not really dating... Plenty of guys willing to do that, separated or whatever. Probably lots of guys in exactly the same situation. Of course, weeding out the ones that SAY they're separated vs. actually separated might be an issue...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I also think it's not a good idea to date while still married....honestly it's a little tacky. Problem is you never really know when your rebound relationship could happen. And it complicates things. Can turn a amicable divorce into WW3 because your still spouse finds out.

I personally don't date still married women because they aren't available. I know many guys who are good and serious about finding a relationship that won't either, so you are left with guys who are in similar situation like you or guys who just want sex. If that's all your after fine but anytime you start dating and having sex emotions can and usually do get involved. That's just adding one more thing to an otherwise full plate. I would suggest waiting personally.


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## P51Geo1980 (Sep 25, 2013)

ire8179 said:


> What's your take about casual dating during divorce process ?
> Nothing emotional, just casual and protected


I think it's all dependent on your situation and there is no right or wrong answer.

In my case, I am in the process of divorce and dating someone. In my mine, I've been single for a few years now because my marriage was nothing more than a legal contract. My STBXW stopped being a wife long ago – classic bait and switch situation. She stopped doing a lot of things after we got married: respect was never really there, affection was rare, and sex diminished to the point where our longest dry spell was around 9 months. Anyways, I am the one that filed for divorce back in early march and a few weeks later I started casually dating someone. For me, what made it easy to start dating so quickly was that I was essentially over my marriage about a year ago when I realized my STBXW had no desire to fix things (didn’t want marriage counseling, thought things were fine because I was essentially a door mat for her for a number of years, etc) and I probably should have filed for divorce a year or more ago. 

Things with my girlfriend are progressing along slowly and nicely – we go out a couple of times a week, a couple of weeks ago she’s started sleeping over on weekends, we have the same interests and we can talk about anything. I think if you’re mentally and emotionally able to handle it then there is no problem with casual dating while in the divorce process. Some puritans will claim you’re cheating, but if you’re in the process of divorce (without any hope of reconciliation) then you are effectively single again.

ETA: If you are going to date while in the process of divorce, make sure to let the other individual know. My girlfriend knows exactly what's going on and thankfully I haven't had any sort of real drama with the STBXW in a couple of months - she was upset when she found out I was dating someone but hasn't really made any contact since. We are essentially waiting for the court to approve the divorce which should be in early September.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> He can only do that with a completely ignorant and blind woman. That's how.


LOL, I was mainly making a joke, but in all honesty, I feel terribly sorry for her. My kids can't stand her. 

I can see this being fine for someone who is taking YEARS to divorce for one reason or another........mine had been filed about a year after we separated. My ex met and moved in with his new Honey Boo Boo about 6 months into our separation. We were still decently amicable at that point and I even talked him into not dumping her over something stupidly silly when they first were seeing each other. I realized then he hadn't changed an iota. Sad situation.

Better her than me!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What do you mean by "casual and protected"? Are you using "dating" as a euphemism for casual sex? One thing is for sure, if you go for it, it's the final nail in the coffin that is your marriage. No chance for reconciling after that.


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## thehardlife2 (Jun 17, 2014)

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## Legalaff (May 31, 2014)

It's been six months now since my ex moved out. And I am ready for casual dating. Nothing serious, just some laughs and clean fun.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

PBear said:


> I read it as she wants a "FWB" type relationship, not really dating... Plenty of guys willing to do that, separated or whatever. Probably lots of guys in exactly the same situation. Of course, weeding out the ones that SAY they're separated vs. actually separated might be an issue...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think your term is more accurate, just dinner and protected sex. I'm still conflicted with the whole thing but if i do i'll definitely tell the guy about my status. And yes singles is the only option,i definitely don't want a wife knocking out my door calling me wh*re 

If i decide to go ahead do i have to tell stbx ?


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

No, you don't HAVE to tell the x. 

If you feel it will hurt him, then skip over any unnecessary pain. Or if you want to see him cringe, tell him. 

If you think he'd be genuinely happy for you, then tell him.

All depends...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I didn't tell my STBX. We have had, in over 3 years, exactly 0 discussions about reconciling. So I didn't feel like I was leading her on at all. I only told her just before I told the kids, as I didn't want her to hear about it from someone else. She did say that she thought I might be seeing someone. 

My point about the weeding out the singles is that you will likely find a significant number of prospective partner who SAY they're separated, but in actuality, their wives think they're happily married. Probably moreso than if you were looking for a more serious relationship. So do your homework on partners before taking their word. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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