# Dillema... How to handle



## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

Ok, some of you know my story. For those that don't, here is a quick rundown.

Me: 29, him:36; Been together 15 years (on the 28th); 2 kids, 3 and 9. He has sickle cell anemia. Been on disability since October 2010 when he went into kidney failure. Struggling to make ends meet starting December of last year, I fell into depression, we split June (big fight, I kicked him out, he decided not to come back), he did come back but to watch the kids only (he didn't work so watched them while I was at work), moved out in September.

He continued coming here everyday after he moved out to watch kids. Also stays on the weekends if I want to go out somewhere. I've been off work since November. He continued to come every day, until I finally asked him to stop a few weeks back. We spend wayyy too much time together for a separated couple (nothing physical). I've made a big effort to stop that recently. Anyways...

We, as a family, have always been closer to my family than his. We've always spent holidays, weekends, etc with my family and have lived with them 3 separate times during our relationship. His family hated me from the start, pretty much because I was a girl lol. He was reliant on his parents when we met because he had been here under his dad's student visa since he was 13 and was not allowed to work, only go to school. We had been dating for about 2 years when we moved in together. A few weeks after that, his parents moved 3 provinces over and he's been with me and/or my family since. As soon as we had our first daughter, turning 10 on Jan 1st, they all of a sudden loved me. Loved me so much they came to visit for the first time and shoved immigration papers in my face trying to get me to sign for him so he wouldn't be their responsibility any more. It didn't happen (though we did go through the process a couple years later on our own). Anyway, I've never been very close to them. I'm not rude or standoffish... just don't go out of my way to be close to them and they almost never visit.

So, needless to say, we always stay at my parents house over the holidays, including new years/our daughters birthday. Early on in our split, while were still living together, we discussed holidays. He said the kids would spend every holiday with me and my family since he would be spending them all alone except for christmas when he would go to Vancouver and spend it with his family. Ok, fine. I asked him about a week ago what days he was going to be gone and he said he isn't going this year because he (who is on disability) nor his parents could afford it. I told him he is still welcome to spend it with us but he says it would be awkward (despite the fact he's seen and talked to both my parents numberous times when he's been at my house since our split, and he was the one who insisted we spend our daughters 3rd bday on dec 5th together with our kids). But fine.

So, the kids and I were all sick sun, mon, tues of last week. I told him to stay home (his getting sick is dangerous for him). He came on thursday because our oldest was singing in the choir at school and then took the kids for the weekend. Well, he ended up with the flu too. He was texting me during the day this past monday, then all of a sudden stopped. I got a text from him tuesday afternoon letting me know he was in the hospital. His being sick caused his hemoglobin to drop to 53. He got 3 units of blood and was feeling better. He expected to be released yesterday or today. Now, I'm in the middle of moving, so I haven't brought the kids there at all, though we've texted each night. The plan was I would take them to see him tomorrow if he was still in there. Well he is, and he is still having pain (thats how he knows his blood is low, circulation gets cut off to parts of his body and he is in pain. This time was his hip). So we have no idea if he will be released for the holidays or not.

So, my dillemma... he told me tonight that his dad is coming here on sunday to visit. I asked him if that meant he is staying with him thru xmas and he said he wasn't sure, didn't know all the details, but he thinks so. He said his dad didn't want him to be alone, sick and in the hospital by himself during christmas (though, he may be out by xmas). I asked him if his parents knew that he had been invited to spend the holidays with us and HE decided to be alone and he said "yes, they knew I was invited". So, if he is out of the hospital, I have no problem. I will drop the kids off at his house on sunday and pick them up early monday morning. If he is still in the hospital though, that would mean I have to bring my kids there and face someone who pretended (barely) to give a crap about me and hasn't called me or my kids once since this started. I don't want to deny my kids seeing there grandpa, but at the same time, if my x thinks its awkward to be around my family who loved him like a son (and supported him like one too)... then why should I go out of my way for someone who never gave a crap? Hope he just gets released and I don't have to worry about it, but what do I do if he doesn't? Do I suck it up for the sake of my kids (which I'm sure I'll end up doing), or do I be the b***h who says my own comfort with the situation is worth more than allowing his dad to visit the kids?


Edit: To be fair, I don't think his parents were ACTUALLY trying to brush off responsibility in giving me the papers. They had been unable to keep up with his tuition payments, and since he couldn't work on his own, he had been illegal for over a year by the time we had our daughter. I know they just didn't want him to be sent back to a country he hadn't been too since he was a child, but the whole situation just rubbed me the wrong way.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, if you knew they were not ACTUALLY trying to brush off responsibility, you have to let this go. You had a vested interest in keeping your husband in the USA. So their asking you made sense.

Yes I think you suck it up for your children. You hardly ever have to see his parents. It's the holidays. Be generous.


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## NotEZ (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ok, if you knew they were not ACTUALLY trying to brush off responsibility, you have to let this go. You had a vested interest in keeping your husband in the USA. So their asking you made sense.
> 
> Yes I think you suck it up for your children. You hardly ever have to see his parents. It's the holidays. Be generous.


It wasn't necessarily the paper thing that bothered me. More the fact that they wanted nothing to do with me the 4 years prior. And it was nothing I did. I had only met them once early on in our relationship. He was with me when he went into a crises. I called them to let them know he was in the hospital. Showed up the next day and they were there. My h was in the bathroom and his mom said "so ur the one who calls all the time? Don't call my house anymore and stay away from my son". I left the hospital and never talked to them again for 4 years. Your right though, I probably should have let it go. Grandkids change some people. Maybe they knew it was serious then. Who knows. Though his mom also called me when he was released from hospital after his kidney failure in 2010 to tell me how to take care of him. Like I hadn't been the one doing it for the past 10 years. The problem was never his dad though. And your right, it isn't important enough that I should have let it affect me the way I have for years. I guess it's always been a big deal to me because family is such a big deal. I wanted to be close to them but didn't think it was genuine.

Anyway, I knew I'd take them anyway. Was thinking more in the "should I make it easy for him after he left". But I think my situation is too different to apply the same rules too. Wish I could figure this crap out lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"so ur the one who calls all the time? Don't call my house anymore and stay away from my son".

OMG that sounds like my son's father's mother. It's a particular type of mother who thinks that she has to protect her son from lustful women. :rofl:

Time and life mellows people (usually). And grandchildren do it even more.

David Viscot used to say “Always come from love.” If you do that you will never go wrong.


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