# My h never wants to have sex or Fkiss



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

I have been married for a little over a year. No kids. I just turned 26 and hes 23. The problem is my h never wants to have sex. And even when we do he doesn't last long, I cant remember the last time I had an O. Before me, he had only had sex 3 times. He has never been big on foreplay and he does not like to french kiss! I feel like this is destroying our marriage because its all I can ever think about. He comes from a religious background, Never watches porn, and rarely masturbates. Other then that he is a great guy, sweet, smart and great with kids. But I don't know if that is enough anymore. If I'm lucky we have sex once a week, but I always have to initiate it. And then once hes ready to go all he says is "are you gonna take your pants off", he wont ever strip me unless I tell him to. I have said stuff to him like, I wish we would have more sex, and then he agrees and we never do. He always blames it on being tired or stressed. Ive tried to do the whole "sexy" thing, and it works most of the time. He does not like for me to be on top, and most of the time we only do positions he likes. When I try to do new ones he says he doesn't like them. Why should I do all the work and never get satisfied. Some times I will rub on him and make him hard and then hes just like goodnight and gives me a peck and goes to sleep. Plus he does not like french kissing?!?! And even if I try he pulls away and kinda gets mad. We are to young and are early in our marriage for sex to be an issue. Its to the point where if he doesn't want to give it to me then I will find someone who will, but why should it drive me to have an affair? And I think the blame would be his fault! I love my husband, I really do and I cant see myself spending the rest of my life with anyone but him. But I cant go on like this. My heart is breaking, I feel ugly and unattractive to him because he wont touch me. I really need advice! My marriage depends on it


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Was he like this when dating?


----------



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

Yes...No foreplay or french kissing, but we did have sex more.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If he didn't do it then, why do you expect him to do it now? Is he grossed out? Is he inexperienced so thinks he's doing it wrong?


----------



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

The thing is hes religious and wanted us to wait until we got married, but of course that didn't happen, but he always felt bad when we did. And he said that once we were married we would have sex more, and that didn't happen either. Idk if it is the whole inexperience thing, but it could be. Before him I had sex a lot and he knows that, so I guess he could feel pressure from that, but I would of thought he would be over it by now.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, this is why I promote healthy sexual relationships before marriage....cause....I've known many people who wait or try to wait until marriage and it's awkward and then they are stuck in a sexless marriage....or the sex is bad.

Have you thought about sex therapy? He seems to have guilt which is tied to his religion (been there, done that-- thanks to being brainwashed by my mom)...have you ever just taken over and taken control in bed to show him what you want?


----------



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

yes, but then he looks uninterested and kinda kills the whole mood for me.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh. He's young...what's in his past that makes him like this? Religion, ok...but was there sexual abuse?


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It won't get better without some help.

First, he needs a physical exam to check if there is something unseen affecting his libido.

Second, you two need a really candid discussion about your frustration and the impact on your marriage. I agree, you are way to young to have this be an issue.

Third, You should consider if his sexual interest (expressed or not) is elsewhere. Is he a closeted homosexual? 

Fourth, look into his religiousity. Why is sex hooked into avoiding it?


----------



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

No, he comes from a very big family though. 9 kids. 4 were adopted. His parents are nice, but weird, but that a whole other story..they just think their Gods perfect family.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He could have been told that sex is 'wrong' or 'dirty' his whole life.

You have to talk to him about this and tell him you can't live like this. Maybe you have but you have to do it again.

It probably won't get better though.


----------



## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm sorry to hear these things. I grew up in the bible belt and am from a very religious family. If religion is not put in its proper context it can warp your sexuality. It can be fixed though. Remind him that the bible says the marriage bed is not defiled. 

If he doesn't respond properly to that then don't hint around. Come right out and tell him, God made us sexual beings for a reason and its not just for procreation. If God didn't want us to enjoy sex then why did he make it feel so good?

Tell him you need it more often and he should consider your needs with more gravity than his own. 

I will defer to my wife's needs over mine 99 times out of 100 and she does the same for me. That's why we have been together for 36 great years (36 together 34 of that married).

We got married at a ridiculously young age (much younger than ya'll) and that's the reason we made it; because we took that approach precisely!


----------



## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

My husband and I are religious and grew up in religious households (not Christian though), and although we have a very healthy sexual relationship, I admit that this tends to be a common problem with religious couples. The idea seems to be that sex is something dirty or unholy, like a necessary evil. The emphasis on modesty and chastity outside the home spills over into the bedroom, where it doesn't really belong.

Have you tried talking to him and probing whether it's his religious views that are hindering your sex life? Also, do you think he might secretly be gay?


----------



## punktx (May 12, 2011)

I could have written this post 10 years ago, word for word. 

It took me 10 years, 2 children later and I discovered he was gay. NO ONE would have ever suspected. He is totally straight acting. I never suspected and I was thrown for a loop. 

He never liked porn, he never seemed _sexual_ and I always initiated and he did perform so I just chalked it up to low libido. 

I feel like this was a HUGE red flag that I ignored all these years.

I'm not saying your dh is gay, but I wish I had figured it out years ago. IMO, the religious aspect _could_ be an excuse. 

:hugs:


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

june26 said:


> The thing is hes religious and wanted us to wait until we got married, but of course that didn't happen, but he always felt bad when we did. And he said that once we were married we would have sex more, and that didn't happen either.


Oh the Lovely religious background, another repressed soul - spilling over into marriage. This doesn't happen to everyone who grows up in the church, but for some , it's effects can be devestating in marraige & cause much suffering for their spouses. 

Oh I am absoultely sure it was drilled into his skull how "dirty" sex was, how he even deserved Hell for falling into intercoarse before marraige. And he hasn't been able to forgive himself-even though he married you. How silly these things are, when you really look at them. 

Tell me something , when you 1st met --did he have a RAGING Libido? And because of his belief, did he put himself down, did he pray and fight to overcome his urges. Or was it really never there? And if it was really never there and you knew you LOVED sex-having had experience, what on earth attracted you to him? 

Are you sure he never struggled with Porn --or maybe this is something he is vilified to admit out of his mouth before you?

Even the GOOD christian men who hold out for marraige -usually have an intense allure to look at porn. My husband did - and this is my christian son's biggest temptation -he is wanting to wait till marraige, he has slipped. 

If your husband has seriously NEVER had that desire, he is either GAY or he is so warped by religious teachings, feeling he is blaspheming God and deserves Hell, he has become a robot to obey & put his flesh down at every turn, denying his own human instincts - NO wonder this has stripped his creativity, he feels at any form of lust-- he needs to gouge his eyes out. No wonder he is no fun in bed, to carry this baggage around. 

The man will need therapy to overcome these demons shackled to his mind. 

..... Or his testosterone levels are very low, leaving him without sexual fantasies or the urges to release. This would also play out in his being very tired, falling asleep after work for example, brain fog, affect his muscle growth. Not sure if repressing one's mind can lead to a lowering of our hormones but I wouldn't be surprised. 

This would be an EXCELLENT book for you & him to read and explore together about the God -given intention of marraige and sexuality -written by a Christian auther. Amazon.com: Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (9782913356559): Kevin Leman: Books

I am no longer a christian because of the shackles it put on my mind in my early years/marriage -plus my reason, but I feel this is an excellent book none the less, although I prefer secular sources on sex - even more so.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> I am no longer a christian because of the shackles it put on my mind in my early years/marriage -plus my reason, but I feel this is an excellent book none the less, although I prefer secular sources on sex - even more so.


Well... heh you can be like wifey, become a "Liberated Christian" :rofl: Just err... if you do, be careful in regards to how "liberated" you become heh - if you know what I mean


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Well... heh you can be like wifey, become a "Liberated Christian" :rofl: Just err... if you do, be careful in regards to how "liberated" you become heh - if you know what I mean


I have zero deisre to labled a hypocirte by the Fundamentalists & Evangelicals of our time, no thank you. Getting into an argument over scripture with them is frutless as they come to you with every verse being GOD breathed, I outright reject this notion, therefor I would be a christian who does not believe in a literal interpretation. So no sense calling myself one, as the majority feel this is the case even though they don't live like it is. Coming from a Deist viewpoint and mindset, I can easily handle my own, those beliefs (even if we do not always have the answers) have always spoke my heart, even when I thought I was a christian. I have finally come "home" so to speak. 

Reason, nature, and love or our fellow man will always be superior to "blind faith" and allegence to Holy books to me . 

You Might Be a Deist...if [Mirrored] - YouTube


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh that's what the missus used to believe, she still does somewhat, but like many has become tempted with the power that religion gives her for selfish reasons.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is how rediculous some religious people are... I went to our church picnic yesterday , having a conversation with another mom, had to FEEL her out to see if she needed a PLASTIC holiness face or I could "be myself", I could tell I could let me hair down a bit with her. 

She goes on to tell me she suggested to bring "Toy Story 3" to the Youth Group so they could watch it , and her daughter said "oh No MOm , one of the girls in my youth group is not allowed to watch that" and she says "WHAT??!!! Why??" and I guess her answer was -the parents felt the Barbie & Ken Doll scene was inappropriate. 

I looked at this Mom and said "WOW -- are you kidding me , heck that probably would have been the highlight for me!" ha ha I seen the movie, I do not even remember that part , how utterly insane. I am sure this is also a Home schooled Teen as half of them are. 

How do you think raising our children with such strict holiness controls will do to their psyche. Everything will be Dirty, inappropriate, sinful -they will not even know how to laugh at a sexual joke, this is no way to live. 

Very sad.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My friend's parents were missionaries and one day her dad read me the riot act because I was drinking "naked juice".

Ya.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh the missus in the past used to have a term for them, "Pharisees". And Jesus himself spoke against the religious holier-than-thou types. Her understanding of the bible was rather peculiar in the past, now though... seems like she's confused, like many others.

"The yoke is light but the path is narrow" indeed...

Most disagreements I have with them is due to their ignorance however, like I don't worship demons just because I'm "pagan" or dance around naked in trees conjuring up spirits (though I do dance around naked when drunk!)


----------



## june26 (Aug 20, 2011)

Thanks everyone for the help. I am planning on having a huge talk with him tomorrow night! Wish me luck!


----------

