# Do you have to stop caring to stay married?



## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Ok, D-Day was November 12th 2010. Wife cheated on me (3 month EA and minor PA). We are in our early 30's and have two kids ages 5 and 7. Married for 11 years.

Everything has pretty much been based case scenerio as far as post-infidelity goes. We are both 100% committed to our marrige. Affair is over for sure...no doubt. We have talked and talked about everything there is to talk about. I feel like she has been honest with me (although you never trust the story 100%...I'll admit that)

So now I guess its time for me to move on and stop being a victim. I still bring it up all the time and that is just dragging us both through the mud day after day. Its been 5 months of pure hell for me.

My worry is that I cannot move on and stay happily married without carrying this pain around forever. I mean....I hurt because I care right? Do I have to stop caring to stop hurting? Do I have to convince myself that intimacy and love between us is nothing special...just something she happens to be giving me at the moment? 

I'm very confused about this, and honestly don't know how I'm supposed live with her for the rest of my life without suffering this pain every day. I love her....truely love her, and want to be with her. I just don't want to hurt like this till the day that I die.

How about you folks that are a few years out?? Did you find that you had to let go some of the love and caring for your WS to get over their infidelity? That scares me....because I don't want to feel like that. Or does it get much better in time, and my 5 months has not been nearly enough time for it to all dull down in my mind?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm 14 going on 15 months since I started caring (D-day). It does get better......wait......it dulls down. 

In my case I was the abusive husband who didn't care so its hard to give perspective, but once I confronted my wife and we aggreed to changes it kind of gives a goal. I really didn't for years and she slept around so I guess I'm trying to say there was a reason we had a unhealth marriage and we reconize it and now work at it better. So in my case I'm tring.

I think its not so much not caring as it is having confidence in your self to have your boundries and working towards a healthy marriage.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Give yourself time. At five months out, those wounds are still pretty fresh. Don't stop caring- you'll become cold and bitter. If things are going well in your marriage now, embrace that. If your instincts are telling you that the worst is behind you and you both are all in, don't stop loving and caring. Your marriage will never survive if you do. 

Just let time heal your wounds. When you feel down about what happened, you have to make an effort to stay in the present. If things are better now, that's what is important. You'll have good days and bad days, but those bad days will grow farther apart. I hope things work out for you and your wife. If you make it through this, things can be even better than before. 

Wishing you well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

It really is more about having a reasonable expectation of marriage than not caring.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Thanks for those thoughts. I've read them all twice and I'm sure I will again in the morning. These are things that I have been trying to tell myself. I don't have anyone close to me that can give advice on these things or share experience.

Two-Time, your comments seem to hit home a little as far as my "fairy tale" issue. I did do my part in setting this up, as in I was not the best husband in the world. I could have been a heck of a lot better. But I always thought that something like this could not happen because it was not supposed to....after all I would have never done this to her. 

And I now know that is not a realistic expectation. A realistic expectation is that if I am not doing my part to make my wife happy, she "may" leave or find someone else to make her happy. There is no "fairy tale" that is going to keep bad things from happening in a marrige. Shame I had to turn 34 to grow up about that.


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## Doc (Apr 14, 2011)

House MD: I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you R---it takes approx., 2 to 5 yrs---to get back to a decent living situation

As to the pain and hurt---that may never really go away---your wife is gonna trigger you, and as long as she is there in front of you day after day---you will remember

Your sub-conscious works on you with visions, and when you are alone--probably all you think of is her with the other guy----You can try counseling---but no matter what you CAN'T turn your sub-conscious off

What would make it go away--is for you to get out of the mge---then she is out of sight-out of mind---and things do ease up--cuz now you are into a new life, and thinking/concentrating on new exiting things---so the misery fades and goes away

How it all plays out depends on the choices you make


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

jnj express: you are entitled to your opinion. you have me the same advice. Have you considered the posibility that getting out of the marriage may not make things better? If I ended my marriage, I would mourn for years what I lost. I would still feel that I lost the love of my life. I would still feel betrayed by the person I trusted the most. I would not trust again with someone new.

The core issue is to discover what caused the person to cheat and see if that can be fixed. Then one needs to get over the concepts that they held sacred and accept that their marriage has changed. People on this site are here mostly to save their marriage. If not, they would be on the divorse site. Please, as you've been asked before by others, do some healing yourself before you **** all over people who want to heal. I know your advice is well intentioned, but it really is hurtful to those that need support and help.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My wifey cheated on me one time before we were married while we were dating. We never actually discussed exclusivity at that point but both our rather conservative nature in these things, it was understood. She told me about it the next day. Of course her excuse was I was being mean so she had to. Or something. Frankly I stopped listening to the good reason about 2 seconds into her explanation. If she cheated since being married the marriage would be over in about 10 seconds. Forever. No second thoughts no question no discussion no hesitation.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey working it out---I was simply stating fact---that betrayed's should be aware of------

It's all about what is best for the betrayed---no matter how you wanna title it------

Many of those who just found out---never get to the D/S section---that does not mean they should be precluded from all the info available to deal with their situation

In many instances having to be with the cheater leaves the betrayed in a life of misery---the betrayed may stay for many reasons, lots of them not in to the betrayd's best interest but they stay-

--they need to know---factually what will make the hurt go away-

---all you want is for me NOT to give both sides of the equation


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

I think everyone is aware of the fact that the choice to stay or go is theirs to make. The problem I have here is that this is a thread started by a person who, for the time being, has chosen to work on his marriage. He stated that he and his wife are committed to trying to make their marriage work. From what I understood, the purpose of this thread was to give this man some perspective on what to expect emotionally, over time, while he and his wife are reconciling.

What some posters seem bent on lately is peppering threads with negativity and planting seeds of doubt. When someone is looking for support and encouragement, it just seems wrong for people to bring them down instead. It's starting to seem almost intentional. I'm sure it's not. Someone surely couldn't get enjoyment out of that, right?

it-guy, leaving your marriage is not the only way to make the pain go away. Many people here can tell you that it does get better with time and marriages can survive infidelity. The main prerequisite is that both parties have to want it and take responsibility for their part in the breakdown of the marriage. If you've got that and you're both working on the problems in your marriage, it can work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'm ok with what jnj express said....no harm taken. I can see it as ones strong opinion towards leaving the marriage. It’s only natural for us all to have strong feelings one way or another based on our personal reasons for posting on this site.

Yes, I have chosen to stay in the marriage. I do love and adore my wife. She's my friend, we get along, we can work together (wedding photography on the side of all things...lol), and she turns me on. We had mind blowing sex last night....just spontaneous and not planned. And, great kids that I want to raise stable and happy.

For all these reasons she was able to hurt me like no other person in this world can hurt me. And I'm just waiting for this pain to go away somehow. It just does not seem fair that to keep what you want the most...the woman, family, and life that you had, you have to endure so much hurt. It uproots you. It knocks the foundation right out from under everything in your entire life. I feel like I've had a brain tumor removed and now I have to learn some of life’s most basic functions all over again.

Yes, this is a big ol pity party. Sorry about that. After all this was partially my fault. She is not a mean person and, she was not thinking about hurting me when she did this. She was just going after some happiness in a very bad way. I guess part of this is about venting. 

I do appreciate the comments by everyone on here. I'm going to keep walking around with a smile on my face. We've talked about this. She knows that I'm putting this smile on my face as an effort to get us out of the mud. We are just trying to live life well and let some dag on time pass. And I hope I'm like many other people on this forum in a couple years. I want to look back on this and say, wow, it sure did get better with time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Hey this crap ant easy and time will help. I grew up (manned up) at 43 and can't believe we made it to our 20th anny. But as far as I'm concerned we just got married, I married the same person with different behaviors and vise versuv. 
We arent looking for the good old days b/c there weren't many. But we got good kids that are almost grown and on there way to college, so now its a new chapter......a new book to start all over again.

Thank god we started young now we have healthier behaviors and more understanding, less expectation, and a goal.

We really never had this before....I mean we raised our kids and were there for them as much as a bunch of young alcholics that partied and when it came to each other there was the kids and sex and that was it she did her thing and I did mine and it all got away from us until one day I changed for the better and my W choose to come along.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Good for you Guy, I wouldn't say stop caring, I believe it will get easier with time, for myself in my situation it took a massive implosion to pull my head out of my ass, he isn't on the same page yet, we are living together and sleeping together, conversing, etc, for the most part acting the married couple, he is still holding back not willing completely to commit, I will give that time for now, I struggle with the caring/not caring. I personally fight myself all of the time to not put those walls up, because I don't want to allow myself to get to the point where I have such big walls up that he will have to tear them down, because that will make things worse. Give it some time and take it one day at a time, I have my moments of immense pain, my husband? I am not sure, but I feel a heck of alot better now than I did a month ago, or the month before, much luck to you my friend.


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## NessaRae (Aug 14, 2011)

If it is well behind her and she is committed to moving forward you need to trust her. She has broken your trust, and it is hard to truly move on from that. It is her job to reestablish your trust, and it is your job to try to be positive and to let her do what is necessary to show you that she is committed to your marriage.
What things allowed her the opportunity to cheat before? Is she avoiding those opportunities? Is she keeping the other person out of her life? If she keeps that other individual in her life, and if she keeps doing things that leave her vulnerable to a relapse then she is clearly not committed to the straight and narrow. I'm not saying that to be mean, I'm saying that honestly, steps need to be taken to avoid these things! No one is perfect, NO ONE can avoid the temptations they put in front of themselves, I don't care WHO they are! If you freaking love lattes and you purposely drive a route nearby your favorite coffee shop, chances are you will go buy a freaking latte!
Also, it is important to confront the issue at hand - what made her stray? That is not to say you should blame yourself - you are who you are, she is who she is, but after eleven years of faithfulness what caused the break? What does she need to feel strong in your guys's relationship? What do you need to feel strong in your relationship?
It is not constructive to bring up her cheating, no matter how much you want to, no matter how related to an argument or issue you think it is. I know that that is what's on your mind, trust me, it's on her mind, too. And she is dreading the thought that it's on your mind, and she is wishing she could go back in time to change what happened. But she can't. Neither of you can. You can only stay the course, and try to move forward.
Keep the line of communication open - you both need to check up on each other's happiness and security. It is important that, when these issues are brought up, to not take comments personally if they are spoken in a sensitive way. This is a huge problem when dealing with these issues - trying to communicate feelings while each person is taking everything personally as an attack! It's not. It's just an effort to share so you both can improve and move forward.
Time does not heal all wounds, but time does help us learn how to cope and how to move on even if everything is different. If you are both committed to each other, to your marriage, and to love, you will find a way.


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## bs193 (Jan 2, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> What some posters seem bent on lately is peppering threads with negativity and planting seeds of doubt. When someone is looking for support and encouragement, it just seems wrong for people to bring them down instead. It's starting to seem almost intentional. I'm sure it's not. Someone surely couldn't get enjoyment out of that, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On a similar note, when listening to the advice of others, consider the source. It is easy to click on their usernames and view their post history, and get their story, or enough of it, most of the time. 

It bothers me when people who are just weeks out from D day, and won't even consider R, give advice to those about how to handle an affair. Worse yet are those who never even experienced it telling others what they would do in their case. And since I am ranting, people probably should reconsider giving advice on maintaining a happy marriage when they post elsewhere that their marriage is falling apart.

Unfortunately, there is no way to control who is "fit" to give advice to others, but it is possible for those seeking advice to do a little research to determine if the advice they are getting isn't just a bunch a BS being spewed by someone who is still too jaded to think rationally and objectively.

Sorry for going off topic.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

it-guy,

My situation seems very similar to yours. Except I am about ten years ahead of you in the healing process. And that's really what it is a process. The pain of the affair is so fresh to you right now, don't worry about setbacks, just remember to keep your eye on the ball. 

In my case it took about 3 years to have what I would call total recovery. Now keep in mind my wife had a full blown...I'm leaving you for the other guy...type affair. I had no idea and was totally blindsided.

I can tell you that over the years...my wife and I have become stronger, more centered and loving because of what happened between us. Something changes in you when you go through hell with someone you love.

Keep on keeping on and I am confidant that you can achieve a full recovery. It seems that you and your wife really care for one another....so you are halfway there.

best wishes,

GM


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

NessaRea, no offence, but you don’t know me. I don’t need your temptation speech. Avoiding temptation is a simple feet accomplished by some individuals….although I’m starting to think less and less people are capable of such things. I went back and read your threads. I can see why you may want to believe that everyone is capable of cheating. I have been with my wife since I was 15 years old (34 now) so I think I know what I’m capable of by now. My wife, too, would like to forget it ever happened. And I’m pretty sure that simple “opportunity” did not play into her cheating. 

GM, really great to hear from someone 10 years out. I would love to see a nice long thread from you about the long term struggles and success of your recovery.

Since this thread is somewhat resurrected, I feel as though I better update a little bit. While the thought of “not caring to recover” has come up in my mind in the 4 months since this thread started, it is not a constant thought. I have been able to maintain a deep and very real love for my wife.

I guess if I am to go deeper….I probably love my wife more than I ever have in my entire life. I always loved her before, and would have tried to make her happy. I guess it’s typical to feel it much stronger where you discover that you have been cheated on. All of a sudden you are forced to snap out of whatever rut or funk you have worked yourself into over the years. Typical neglect that you were once comfortable with (in both directions) have become almost a crime in your eyes, as you try to stamp out any possibility of a repeat affair. You also get a real hard look at what you are about to lose. And in some cases, like mine, you suddenly realize that this person has bonded with the core of your life. This goes well beyond attachment. You realize that you don’t want anything in life without this other person.

I know that my wife is my purpose in life, and I’m not going to screw that up. She was special when I first saw her. And, she still is. I’m still lucky to have her in my life.

I’m probably sounding a lot like a door mat here….but I can assure you that my wife is committed to our recovery and trying just as hard as I am. What she is going through sucks, and we are both doing our best. And I’m good with that. 

Now there are some things I need to stop caring about. These are things that you don’t ever think about until they are gone. I don’t want to go into a lot of detail, but they are basically some of the special “exclusive” feelings that that were once had. You can say “fog” all day long, but things happened. Things were said. There isn’t anything that can ever take them back. But it’s not the end of the world. 

I told my wife this once and still believe it. If I were to actually write up one of those stupid “Pro’s and Con’s” sheets for this situation, the Pro’s will outweigh the Cons any day. Just got to get the cons out of my head.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

it-guy said:


> NessaRea, no offence, but you don’t know me. I don’t need your temptation speech. Avoiding temptation is a simple feet accomplished by some individuals….although I’m starting to think less and less people are capable of such things. I went back and read your threads. I can see why you may want to believe that everyone is capable of cheating. I have been with my wife since I was 15 years old (34 now) so I think I know what I’m capable of by now. My wife, too, would like to forget it ever happened. And I’m pretty sure that simple “opportunity” did not play into her cheating.
> 
> GM, really great to hear from someone 10 years out. I would love to see a nice long thread from you about the long term struggles and success of your recovery.
> 
> ...





Maybe you could think of you situation as a life long war. You all were going along winning battles fairly regularly. Then a battle comes along that was basically a sneak attack. People on your side going in the wrong direction not actually changing sides but beginning to wonder where their loyalties lie. You fought the hardest battles of your lives and you were victorious! That is probably the greatest thing you have ever accomplished. Celebrate this victory by being constantly alert (not paranoid) and prepared for battle. There will always be evil enemies to good people. There is an aftermath to war however. Things need to be cleaned up and people need to heal. Relatively easy with everyone working together compared to losing the war. Whenever your wounds start to bleed keep reminding yourself that there were losers in this war but you were the big winner and it just takes time to heal. Your family is the prize and the biggest winner of all because you didn't bail. Congratulations Dad.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Maybe you could think of you situation as a life long war. You all were going along winning battles fairly regularly. Then a battle comes along that was basically a sneak attack. People on your side going in the wrong direction not actually changing sides but beginning to wonder where their loyalties lie. You fought the hardest battles of your lives and you were victorious! That is probably the greatest thing you have ever accomplished. Celebrate this victory by being constantly alert (not paranoid) and prepared for battle. There will always be evil enemies to good people. There is an aftermath to war however. Things need to be cleaned up and people need to heal. Relatively easy with everyone working together compared to losing the war. Whenever your wounds start to bleed keep reminding yourself that there were losers in this war but you were the big winner and it just takes time to heal. Your family is the prize and the biggest winner of all because you didn't bail. Congratulations Dad.



Now that is a totally different way to look at it. I'll have to give that one some thought overnight.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

IT-guy - you are moving ahead and filling in the bomb crater the A created. You have found your love for your wife. Keep moving forward and try not to look back - I'm sure you done more than enough of that and you've beat yourself to death over the pain. Time to be happy with life and your wife. AN NO your not a doormat or a rug sweeper. Both got sucked into the grinder and spit out!

Congrats on a new life and marriage!!!


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

it-guy,

Our MC tried to explain to me that "Everyone is vulnerable". I guess she was trying to explain to me under the "right" circumstance, blah, blah, blah. I guess it was her attempt to explain my wife's years of affairs. I stopped her very short. 

Have you every been cheated on for years on end. Read the letters of your spouse for 30 years to the OM about how she was so happy to of found her dreams? Read the accounts of her Sex with another man and how it was so wonderful and all she could think about? 

Her response, NO. 

I looked her in the eye and said then you don't know what I know. I would never put another human being through that pain. Regardless of anything, I know who I am. 

it-guy, you stay strong in your convictions. I'm 2 years out it does get better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

it-guy said:


> And in some cases, like mine, you suddenly realize that this person has bonded with the core of your life. This goes well beyond attachment.


I can so relate to your words above. But I’ve another view, perspective that might help you in your situation. Whereas you took the decision to reconcile, I took the decision to separate and eventually divorce. For no fault, it’s two years separation in my country, that time is up in a few months. In the past 21 months every single day I think of my stbxw, multiple times. When I get up in the morning she’s the first thing on my mind, throughout the day she’s on my mind and she’s the last person I think about before I get to sleep. Sometimes I hate her, really hate her and sometimes I love just as deeply as I did in the past. I have tears in my eyes every time I think on any of the good times from the past 40 years.

What I’m trying to say to you, communicate, is there would have been a great deal of pain for you as to whether you chose reconciliation or separation and divorce. It’s the long term you must think on. Put yourself 20, 30 years ahead and envision the world you want to be living in, and who with. You’ll see that the pain you are going through now is transitory, that neither the pain you are going through or this period, phase, in your life will define who you are in the future. If you need some help of being aware of this stuff, the phased based, transitory nature of our lives and where our pain comes from and how to minimise it read Awareness by Anthony de Mello.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I'll take a look for Awareness. Sounds like a good resource and influence. You struck a nerve when you mentioned looking years into the future. I’m still in the stage where I cannot imagine not thinking about, and hurting from this every single day. I’ve already experienced gradual signs that the thoughts come less and less, and the sting is less and less, so I do know that it will continue to get better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

In some ways I’m a few years ahead of you. In the late 70s I walked round a corner to see my wife and mother of our two very young sons in the arms of another man. It’s heartbreaking stuff. At the time the biggest reason that I got through it was because I wanted to be with my sons as they grew up. As time went by life kind of took over, so much to plan and so much to do and eventually I forgave my wife and the memories got put in some cupboard, gathering dust on a shelf and totally and absolutely “forgotten”.

But once in our memory we can’t actually forget what’s there. It’s just that we no longer actively think about them, other things take over and replace the thoughts we once had. My wife and I went on, our sons were raised and left home, we had wonderful years together and didn’t part until the end of 2009 some 30 odd years later.

But there were times when triggers occurred such that I recalled the images, but no longer the desperate feelings from way back in the 70s, decades past. The triggers were my wife telling she’d never ever forgive me for something I did some years/decades in the past. I then had to go right through everything and re forgive her the things she’d hurt me with. We actually parted mainly due to her inability to forgive.

It will be important, very important for you to forgive your wife. This is very much more for your own sake than for your wife’s sake. Each time you get a “trigger”, each time you think on what happened, replace the thoughts with “I forgive you” and say it 3 times. You may have to do this for quite a while but eventually it will begin to work.

Without that forgiveness you will not be vulnerable. And without vulnerability you will block out love, the love you have between the two of you. Without forgiveness the love between the two of you will cease to grow and it will stagnate. But for your own emotional protection it is exceptionally important for you to create, declare and enforce your personal boundaries. Look up N.U.T.s. and other books on personal boundaries.

I would also highly recommend attending a “marriage enrichment programme”. I also think you can take heart from the fact that your wife has taken ownership of her bad behaviour and wants to work with you on your marriage. Don’t let her go as yet. I met my stbxw when she was 16 and I was 18, I’m now 62. The past 20 odd months have been a true gut wrenching exercise but I will never regret staying with her after I found her in the arms of another man.


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