# How do I get him to understand?



## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

I would love for my husband to TOUCH me before sex- not just grab at me for two minutes then proceed with the deed. I have told him what I need (a simple back massage would send me to heaven!), tried being quiet and just dealing with it, and touching him to hopefully start the "touch fest." He responded to my caresses by laughing and pushing away my hand. Then he groped me for two minutes and proceeded with the deed. No matter what I say or do, he seems oblivious to my wants and desires. Is there something I'm missing? He is elated with our sex life, but I'm definitely not. Any suggestions?


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## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

Thanks, Star. I will try again because I just don't like vibrators!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't feel the need to be touched much - and quite frankly I'm a little bit ticklish.

Also - some of us guys tend to laugh things off when we are nervous or unable to process our true emotions.

Have you tried telling him - outside of the bedroom and not in the moment - about what you need?

Or, in the moment tell him you aren't in the mood, but a backrub might help you get there. Or even better - some night when you want to initiate - ask for the back rub and promise him something "special" in return.

And if he listens, give him lots of positive reinforcement - always tell him how good what he's doing feels when he starts to get it right!


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## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

True words of wisdom, nice777guy! I never thought that maybe he was feeling nervous. I love your suggestions, and will take them to heart. I must let you know, however, that I informed my husband that I had made an appointment to get a massage. He seemed relieved! I'll try positive reinforcement, but I am beginning to believe that he simply doesn't care about my feelings or doesn't want to touch me (except to have sex).


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

My husband was sort of like that, but he would touch me before sex. That's how I knew he wanted it! He just wouldn't touch me any other time. We would pass each other in the hallway and he would move his body to avoid touching mine. I thought it was so odd.

So I told him that I felt as if he didn't touch me unless we were having sex. I explained to him how it would be nice to hold hands or just put his arm around me while we were on the couch. 

He has gotten the message. I honestly don't know why he didn't touch me before. Maybe he thought it was unnecessary.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

We are actually very simple creatures. Sometimes a reminder or a little encouragement is all we need. Don't overanalyze us!


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## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

Themrs, my husband "touches" me all the time. He grabs my butt at least 5 times a day and tells me how sexy I am and how he wants to "do me." The problem is that I would love some non-sexual touches. Instead of making me want him, he is turning me off with his one-track mind. If he could only understand that non-sexual touches would DEFINITELY lead to sex, both of us would be happy (instead of just him).


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

introspective said:


> If he could only understand that non-sexual touches would DEFINITELY lead to sex, both of us would be happy (instead of just him).


Tell him in those words exactly and you'll likely get what you're looking for.

However, you also have to not assume that every time he touches you he's looking for sex. This was something that my wife and I went through. I was bad for not cuddling, hugging, holding hands etc unless I was in the mood for sex. We had a frank discussion about it and I started to reform my ways. However, then we ran into the issue of my wife thinking that anytime I cuddled with her, I wanted sex. In the end we had to take about a week or so of touching, kissing, cuddling without it leading to sex to resolve it. Now every time I cuddle her, she knows I want to cuddle her, not necessarily that I want sex right then (though I certainly wouldn't object!).

The butt grabbing, sexy comments, wanting to 'do you' is how a guy displays some playful affection. I grab my wifes butt all the time too, and it's not that I want sex at that moment, I just love the feel of her bum and for us, its a way of displaying some affection. She actually does the same thing to me too!.

Frankly, I find my wife so attractive that I pretty much always want to 'do her'. It's not that I'm looking at her as a piece of meat, it's actually how we males display our love. We're physical beings


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## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

Thank you for sharing, Dryden. I actually feel much better. I guess it helped to hear a guy's point of view!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

introspective said:


> Themrs, my husband "touches" me all the time. He grabs my butt at least 5 times a day and tells me how sexy I am and how he wants to "do me." The problem is that I would love some non-sexual touches. Instead of making me want him, he is turning me off with his one-track mind. If he could only understand that non-sexual touches would DEFINITELY lead to sex, both of us would be happy (instead of just him).


oh then, yeah my husband and yours are two peas in a pod!

Instead of my butt he went straight for my boobs.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If you could read our minds, you'd understand. Pretty much just boobs and butts!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> If you could read our minds, you'd understand. Pretty much just boobs and butts!


Oh, I think we understand. Since I was a teenager, men have been trying to grab my butt and look down my shirt making me feel like a sex object.

I explained to my husband that when he does it, it only reminds me of that. I know he thinks it's different when he does it but it is so cliche. I guess I just assumed that my husband would treat me with more care than all the guys that oogled me as I was growing up and when that didn't happen it made me feel cheap and not cherished.

But like I said, he's better now. He rubs my feet like every day and hugs me all the time. It's so nice.


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## oldFashioned (Jan 16, 2010)

themrs said:


> Oh, I think we understand. Since I was a teenager, men have been trying to grab my butt and look down my shirt making me feel like a sex object.
> 
> I explained to my husband that when he does it, it only reminds me of that. I know he thinks it's different when he does it but it is so cliche. I guess I just assumed that my husband would treat me with more care than all the guys that oogled me as I was growing up and when that didn't happen it made me feel cheap and not cherished.
> 
> But like I said, he's better now. He rubs my feet like every day and hugs me all the time. It's so nice.


It's a definitely a bad cliche, and here's why.

While I can certainly appreciate your point of view, I (as a man and a husband) would like to bring the perspective that men as well can objectified as an instrument that has the obligation to be a provider for a woman. In that case, if a woman was to say "you only want me for sex" the man can easily as well say "and you only want me as long as I can provide for you".

I've been married for 4 years, and although our marriage has gone through lots of ups and downs, I appreciate a certain kind of honesty, which is why I told my wife that to me, continual sex with someone who I love was a major reason to get married. I also explained to her that the sexual intimacy was very important to me and she was a bit upset because she thought the same as "you only want me for sex".

Although I think sex is a major reason for some men to get married, obviously it shouldn't be the sole reason. However, for a woman, the security, protection and ability to provide is equally as big, but generally I don't see men taking offense to that. 

And proof being in the pudding, I've seen relationships where when the men fail to provide for their women, the women eventually kick them to the curb, just like a man would probably not last with a woman who depraves him of sex.


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## oldFashioned (Jan 16, 2010)

Star said:


> Ditch the husband and invest in a vibrator!!
> 
> How rude of him to laugh when you try to caress him, why on earth would any man do that? I just to understand. Maybe you need to try ans peak to him again and really break it down for him, just how it makes you feel when he does the things that he does and how much of a turn on it would be if he did..........ect?


I must admit, I have laughed when my wife tries to grab either my buns or my frontal, but not a laugh of dismissal, but more of a playful nature. If my wife does it in a manner which seems more playful than seductive, I will probably laugh. 

And sometimes general caressing is good, but us guys being guys, if we've come from a "testosterone" releasing activity such as the gym, or a sporting event, then the caressing actually kind of bothers, because we are still in that aggressive state of mind.

Hope that helps!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is why so many men end up in sexually screwed up marriages. Be strong - and tell him you guys are going to do a "pleasure map" of each others bodies. You tell him AFTER he makes a map of yours - which is a good half hour AT LEAST you will return the favor. Tell him intercourse WILL NOT HAPPEN until after you guys do your maps and if he is not willing to set aside a bit over an hour for sex not to even bother starting. 

If he really is a dolt you can go first on him. The "map" is you figuring out where/how he most likes to be touched and HOW he likes to be touched there. Massage - firm slow - firm fast - gentle slow - gentle fast - like finger scratch etc. 

Legs, butt, inner thighs, lower back, upper back - maybe feet. Really this takes a good hour EACH to do correctly. You need to take control here and tell him that there are different ways to make love and he needs to make the effort to learn how to do this in a way that YOU like. And it sounds like he is not taking you seriously - YOU need to fix that. And maybe that means you may need to get his attention by telling him: "When you are ready to listen and make love the way I want - let me know - until then I am on strike" and then stick to your guns. 

My wife is KILLER in bed but part of that is - well like the massage thing - I love to start off giving her a long slow full body massage. I don't do quickies - I just don't like them - never have. 




introspective said:


> I would love for my husband to TOUCH me before sex- not just grab at me for two minutes then proceed with the deed. I have told him what I need (a simple back massage would send me to heaven!), tried being quiet and just dealing with it, and touching him to hopefully start the "touch fest." He responded to my caresses by laughing and pushing away my hand. Then he groped me for two minutes and proceeded with the deed. No matter what I say or do, he seems oblivious to my wants and desires. Is there something I'm missing? He is elated with our sex life, but I'm definitely not. Any suggestions?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Well, isn't it great that he does want to "do you" all the time? Huh, huh. I know how you're feeling though, sometimes you're both speaking a completely different language. 

Dryden's suggestion of going for a time with the grabbing, touching, etc. and NOT having sex may be interesting. Or how about meeting your non-sexual needs in a totally different time frame? Like asking him for a back rub or whatever toots your horn after sex? I understand that may not help you to get ready, but once he's had the experience of feeling you respond he may just sign up for the job more often!

And positive, encouraging words are key. Tell him how wonderful it feels, ooohhhh and ahhhhh to your heart's content.


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## Mwk (Jan 19, 2010)

I've tried to introduce things as our marriage has progressed. The first time we did coconut oil massages was phenomenal. I am also guilty of being too touchy, feely, grabby. But it's also disappointing when the there is isn't much return from the other side.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

oldFashioned said:


> It's a definitely a bad cliche, and here's why.
> 
> While I can certainly appreciate your point of view, I (as a man and a husband) would like to bring the perspective that men as well can objectified as an instrument that has the obligation to be a provider for a woman. In that case, if a woman was to say "you only want me for sex" the man can easily as well say "and you only want me as long as I can provide for you".
> 
> ...


You miss my point. I am not implying that men only want their wives for sex. What I am saying is that when a man goes straight for your boobs or butt whenever he is feeling "frisky" or "playful", he may make his wife feel as if he is only after one thing especially if he never touches her anywhere else and at any other time other than when he wants sex. 

It would be the same if your wife never talked to you unless she wanted money. 

Women desire nonsexual touch and communication and to deny a woman this will make her feel as if you are only after one thing, even if that is not your intention.


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## bacala787 (Feb 7, 2010)

"Ditch the husband and invest in a vibrator!!" - lol

or, get the vib and make him use it on you before he gets any further!


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