# Cheating or not?



## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-cheating-but-my-husband-doesnt-think-so.html

This is the topic if you would like to read it, its from my STBXW.



> Today my husband found out that my Facebook account isnt fully deactivated (yep, deactivating thru mobile sometimes fails) and he flipped because I accepted friend from online game i play and he posted something on my wall AGES AGO that i dont even remember or replied to. I supposed to deactivated my Fb because hes been "divorcing" me and i dont want the news to be spread on Fb because its embarrassing for me.


before our little seperation, she was getting really close with a male friend from the online game WoW, he added her on facebook and she accepted, i told her that i am her husband and that if she respects me she should stop and that i was uncomfortable with this. she agreed and deleted him, when we had our little seperation she already told me that she had deactivated her facebook, today i saw that her facebook had appeared (i do not check facebook much) and it had a new display picture and i went to investigate only to find that she had accepted a guy while we were in our little seperation. of course i lost my cool and went off. as she had told me she would not and she had deactivated the facebook. and it was not ages ago it was a few weeks ago and she is constantly on the game world of warcraft which this guy also plays.





> I accepted the friend when we were separating (he "divorced" me so many times that i started to hate my self that i didnt have the courage to walk away and that i dont have self respect). I dont hide anything, thats why i left his post on my wall (i mean, not deleting it) and i dont talk to him. I know this cannot justify why im okay to accept him, but i just dont see how is that not fair because we were separating and he even went to play pool with a guy and a female friend (he didnt even tell me, i found out because he left his Fb open and i saw his message to this chick asking if she want to play pool with him and she gave him her number). I dont even know if the guy friend even there, cause theres no proof? I didnt make a big deal out of it and when i confronted him, he said sorry and it was just pool and its with "another guy friend" too. Allright, i bought that and we moved on.


my STBXW suffered from many things, when things began she was nice, loving and very happy, as things went on little mistakes i made she kept it inside and the hatred built, when i asked what was wrong as to why her attitude towards me was changing she would say nothing, he hatred began growing and eventually she hated every single day with me and if a mistake would lead to an argument which would make her hate me more and when we made up she said she would try forgive but it never happened, she kept it all bottled up. my anger issues came to be by my wife always being in my face, her "idea" of chasing was to say these 2 things "be a man, fix this" and "dont act like a kid and fix this" this would go on and she would not leave me alone till i fixed this, during rough periods this just caused more anger and fired me up.

as to me and pool, it was me and MY MALE friend and while we were discussing this at work she overheard and said she was good at pool, so we both thought why not and see how good she really was (since she owned a pool table at home) i got off work early than my male friend and because i was off early and she had already gone home, i msg her on facebook (wife added all the female friends on my facebook) to ask for her number as it was easier than posting on my ****ty facebook app. i already explained this to her and she was happy. funny thing was before we had our seperation she even said she didnt mind anymore about girls. and that i should go out more to take my mind off the seperation.




> So anyway, today he flipped and now he want a divorce and called me sl*t and whoarr and he just want to kill me. He said it infront of my parents as well. He said im cheating on him which is wdf cause i dont sleep with anyone ? He said he cant accept the fact that i accepted the dude in the first place, and he doesnt care that it happened like when we were separating and that now im actually forgive him for all his mistake in the past (took me for granted, threatened to kill me, keep on divorcing me, etc) and im happy (cause of the baby).


cheating does not only mean sex, cheating to me is doing something behind my back when i have kindly asked her not to, guys do not just add random girls in games they meet to be "friends" this could lead to a EA and then finally one weekend "oh im going to visit my sister in malaysia" and then comes the PA

"in the seperation" is not an excuse, the night of the seperation we had an argument and as usual it got pretty intense, then i could not take it anymore, i asked her for a divorce and to go back overseas as she was a burden, i work 40 hours a week to pay my loans, pay for her (since she hates working and i always have to call in sick for her, shes lucky if she works 3 hours a week) and then pay for rent and other things, and then after all that i have to come home to a wife hating me (i asked for us to go counsellor and i was on my way to paying for one, but things came up each week like car rego etc. always asked whats wrong but she told me nothing is wrong yet i can see its there i just did not know what it was) after i told her to go back overseas she was very upset and i was very angry, my friend came over and took me to a cafe and we sat down and had a chat, took me 2-3 hours for me to know what i did wrong and i went back to apolagize but the damage had already been done. i knew it would be hard this time but i kept trying and she was determined to take a 1-2 month break (thing is i asked for less and she refused, something about 1-2 months just sparked her interest)
i do many things for my wife and i did love her with all my heart and wanted her to be happy, she didnt want to work okay then i wouldnt force her, she wanted something id try my best to get it etc.




> I never brought up that subject again (only the first time i confronted him) and today when i said to him how hes such a hipocrit (because he hid that crap too and i didnt even hide my friend's post or even WENT OUT WITH HIM without telling)----he said that its different and he went out with another guy friend too (which no one would know if its true or not).
> 
> But im only 5 weeks pregnant and i just found out about my pregnancy like last week. And his "going out" happened like 2 month-ish ago when we were separating.


ours is both different, she said she deactivated her facebook and then magically a guy appears? yet my one i told her i was going out to play pool, she keeps putting it as if i went out with the girl and the GUY tagged along, when its the other way around, i did not need to tell her as she already knew i went out, she has access to all my facebook and everything she just needs to take a look.

took her for granted? i did my best to make her smile, yet i was starting to find that i was happier at work than i was at home, coming home to a wife that did not want to help with anything, saying shes "bored" and then complain her life is ****, how she has no friends. i told her if your bored, lets go watch a movie lets go out eat etc, but she said too lazy, no friends? she has no friends because she refused to go out and did not like going to work, her idea of work is "i want to work because i want to, not because i have to" truthfully i do not want to harm her, but the feeling i got when i found out that this trust was broken was unbearable i just felt anger, so much anger.



> Im 22, and hes 23. I went to IC before once, and my counselor called police on him. In his defense, he cant cope with my depression, OCD, and anxiety. I always bottle my feeling inside because im scared of him, im scared that he would flip and make **** bigger and im always the one to beg for him to stay etc. Thats why i learned to swallow whatever bothers me, and i always xanax it up. he said i could always talk to him when hes in the happy mood, but how would i know he wouldnt get angry? I dont wanna take the risk...... And sometimes when im not doing good enough bottling my feelings, id be so quiet and my husband would get pissed cause "i look depressed". I had three failed suicide attempt recently and i was under medication before.


She went to IC because our marriage was on the rocks(just before our huge argument) she was an abuse counsellor and from what my STBXW told her, she suddenly saw me as the most abusive man on the planet and advised my wife that i do not deserve her (maybe i do not) she informed her of an "abuse cycle" and i thuoght this to be utter bull**** 
abuse--->apolagize--->honeymoon period----->anger building up---> back to abuse and this is the cycle
my STBXW did not treat me very well, i barely if ever got a kiss, a touch, a smile, anyhting at all and i always wanted and tried to fix the problem, she decided the best time to bring up things were when i was angry, the pressure from work, loans, dealing with her depression, with her hate of our life, and always saying she did not want to be with me, all led to alot of pressure in my life, what she did not realise that maybe if she did not make it so hard on me maybe i wouldnt build up again? if she did not continually treat me bad that i would not get angry, her most common argument starter is "i want to leave you" and of course my first response is "FINE THEN LEAVE!" and then she *****es that i did not chase her.

she also went to a psychiatrist for her depression anxiety etc, she had all these issues yet when she went to the psychiatrist she did not care if the lady fixed her problem or not, she just wanted her med, because fixing the problem does not matter. just masking it up and putting pressure on me to "deal with it" everyday was a better one. she told me "there is no problem" "just need my friend xanax"


I am leaving her tonight as this is not a healthy relationship for me, i will improve and see an IC before i begin dating or getting into another relationship again.

please post your opinions and other stuff. (i did not post the full story as it is a LONG story and many different problems)
i believe that she did not physically cheat but did emotionally, she felt hate for me and decided to get emotional with other men.


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## Xanax (Sep 9, 2012)

EA ? How can I have an EA when I don't talk to the guy? =\ we only talked before for some game stuffs (another peoples were around for the discussion as well) and then once he got abit friendly (saying Hiiii on whisper) I didn't even reply to him. And we don't talk to each other at all. If I wanted an EA I'd be smarter enough not to let his post lies around on my wall. 

1-2 months separation? After what happened between us all I could feel was anger and hate. I wanted to just calm my self down (FYI I stayed with my parents) because I still wanted the marriage and whats the point of continuing while I still got anger? I want us to have fresh start once he moved to my country, hence I told him to have fun and go out.

Ha what I don't get is why you didn't tell me straight away that she comes along? =\ when I asked then you apologized and explained saying that you were worried that I'd overreact over that, and that you only want to play pool.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Wow. This is a weird thread -- the both of you on it.

To both of you -- you're young and this is a lousy relationship for the both of you. There's no kids (are there?), so I'd say just end it. Get some help. Grow up a bit, you're very young. And when you can be in a reciprocal, loving relationship THEN marry.

Xanax, you sound enamored with your own drama. The litany of issues, the depression, OCDs, popping Xanax -- and to me the biggest I-am-wasting-my-life-into-a-pointless-time-suck -- World of Warcraft. That sh*t is addicting. And after your gazillions of hours, what do you get? You're a level 80 troll priest.

It's not an accomplishment in the real world. Those are hours you could spend in an improving hobby that gets you out with real people, could be in the fresh air, or working, or exercising, or working on your relationship (assuming you want to save it). At the least, working on your relationship skills in therapy.

My point is -- it is ESCAPISM. Just like an EA is.

Healthy people don't escape, they deal.

OP -- sh*t or get off the pot. You're either divorcing or you're not. People don't separate willy nilly. If you're divorcing? Who she hangs with, what she puts on FB -- is none of your business. You might not LIKE that, but guess what? You just fired yourself from the job of giving a sh*t. It's your EX wife.

If you are reconciling? Then you both need to commit to the marriage and come up with some deal breakers for each other. Quit the games, WoW and otherwise. 

But if you're divorcing? You need to realize you have no control, and should not want to exert control on an ex.


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## Xanax (Sep 9, 2012)

I'm pregnant with our first kid atm. After I found out that I'm pregnant (one week ago), I've truly changed (so have my husband, he was really wonderful and helping, and for the first time after 6 months, he able to support me emotionally). I've stopped play wow as a hardcore and I have sometihjnf I look forward to; my baby, my husband- just our small family. The day we found out i was prevnant (last tues), i told him i truly forgive him wholeheartedly and we agreed to start a new page. We were both truly happy and I don't log on Fb for long time. I thought I've deactivated it, but turned out it doesn't work if you deactivate thru phone. I don't talk to anyone.


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## chumplady (Jul 27, 2012)

Ah geez. You just took a wobbly marriage and crap coping skills and gave yourself level 80 real world responsibilities.

All your depression, OCD, marriage problems -- are not going away because you get a baby. It's a blessing, but a HUGE STRESSOR to the best of marriages. Take this 9 months and get some serious ass marriage counseling. 

Oh, yeah, and quit "xanaxing it up", as you wrote. Please tell me that statement was written BEFORE you knew you were pregnant. Those two things don't mix.


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## Xanax (Sep 9, 2012)

Yeah I was under medication and basically I survived each day cause of Xanax. But everything stopped after last Tuesday when we found out that I'm pregnant. I didn't know I was pregnant before that's why I took anxiolitic and anti depressant.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

OP, did you threaten to kill her before ? Did you hit her before ?


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Well there is something to be said about someone disregarding your wishes when you have explicitly asked her not to contact a certain person. 

I don't know if it's an EA or not, but it is a blatant disregard for your feelings, and you're right; this is the kind of thing that turns into an affair. Show me a person with friends of the opposite sex and you're showing me a person who is going to cheat. 

But are you abusing your wife? Because if you are there is no excuse for such behavior; it's abhorrent, and it debases a lot of what you're saying here.

But I have to say- if you're out, then be out. A pill-popping, WoW-playing wife is not what you want (Many wives meet affair partners in World of WarCraft- when I played we had four married women in our guild who met with other members). If you're both willing to make huge changes in your lives then maybe you have something to salvage. But as Chumplady already said, don't hemm and haw about it-- make a decision. If you want out, make a clean break and go your way. Don't look back, it wouldn't be good for you or her.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

chumplady said:


> Ah geez. You just took a wobbly marriage and crap coping skills and gave yourself level 80 real world responsibilities.
> 
> All your depression, OCD, marriage problems -- are not going away because you get a baby. It's a blessing, but a HUGE STRESSOR to the best of marriages. Take this 9 months and get some serious ass marriage counseling.
> 
> Oh, yeah, and quit "xanaxing it up", as you wrote. Please tell me that statement was written BEFORE you knew you were pregnant. Those two things don't mix.


I think it's level 90 now.


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## Kalytha (Jul 9, 2012)

I have never lay a finger on her and it wasnt a threat, more of what i was feeling at the time, the feeling of utter hatred for her led me to say what i said, it was never a "i am going to kill you"


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Kalytha said:


> I have never lay a finger on her and it wasnt a threat, more of what i was feeling at the time, the feeling of utter hatred for her led me to say what i said, it was never a "i am going to kill you"


Well I can understand this. You are allowed to express yourself. Saying things like "When you act like this it makes me want to slap you" is a method of expressing what your spouse is doing and how they're making you feel. If you had your hands around her throat while saying it that'd be a different matter. 

Lots of times people will be accused of "threats" when they are simply being clear and articulate.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow, a baby in the mix now. Time to get really serious.

First, get off the medication. But be careful, some of these drugs you cant pull off immediately. You may have to wean yourself off gradually, or else your body could go into extreme withdraw.

Second, start improving your diet and nutrition. You (the wife Xanax) needs to be healthy so that the baby will be healthy. Otherwise, you both will pay for it. A healthy child is much easier to care and raise.

Go find a good naturopath (be careful there are many there who are incompetent). See if he/she can also help you with your anxiety/depression.

Realize also that a new marriage takes time to adjust and for each spouse to adapt to the other.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

chumplady said:


> Wow. This is a weird thread -- the both of you on it.
> 
> To both of you -- you're young and this is a lousy relationship for the both of you. There's no kids (are there?), so I'd say just end it. Get some help. Grow up a bit, you're very young. And when you can be in a reciprocal, loving relationship THEN marry.
> 
> ...


I couldn't have said this better...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

aug said:


> Wow, a baby in the mix now. Time to get really serious.
> 
> First, get off the medication. But be careful, some of these drugs you cant pull off immediately. You may have to wean yourself off gradually, or else your body could go into extreme withdraw.
> 
> ...


see an Ob-Gyn, not a quack naturopath. There are only a couple of states in the US that even allow them to practice.

What you really need is heavy duty MC and to step away from the game.


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## roberbunch (Oct 18, 2012)

I want us to have fresh start once he moved to my country, hence I told him to have fun and go out.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

<blink blink> Pass!


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

KanDo said:


> see an Ob-Gyn, not a quack naturopath. There are only a couple of states in the US that even allow them to practice.
> 
> What you really need is heavy duty MC and to step away from the game.



It would be difficult or next to impossible to get an Ob/Gyn to take the time to help you wean off the medication (because it's not within their specialty) and improve your overall health.

There are 16+ States and the majority of Canada that license naturopaths. 

Better suggestion is to look for an integrative medicine specialist. Find a MD with this specialty or area of interest.


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