# Dealing with PTSD?



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Husband is retired military (I am too), spent time in the Gulf War and has been diagnosed with PTSD.

This on top of his brain injury and ensuing medical problems has really made our relationship difficult and challenging.

He attends a weekly support group for PTSD and I am in a spouse's support group for those diagnosed with PTSD.

While the groups have helped us both tremendously, the change in moods, reactions, paranoia, etc., has me feeling like I'm on a slippery slope - I don't know if I'm coming or going sometimes and of course I get mixed messages constantly. Groups and counseling, along with medication have helped, but how do I handle getting caught off-guard all the time and knowing how to properly handle what is coming at me when I don't even know where its coming from?

Example: last night, having a great evening, talking, everything good when my husband told (I said told, he did not ask) that I remove one of our cats off of his coffee table (we were in his man cave). I simply asked why (cat has been up there before) and he totally exploded. It was like turning on a light switch. Made a huge deal out of the fact that I just didn't move the cat. Got very upset and angry and asked me to leave his room and I did.

Went to bed and he came in later. Acted like nothing had happened and this morning kissed me before I went to work and again acted like nothing had happened.

This is VERY HARD to deal with. I can't tell where I stand most of the time, don't know what little thing is going to cause an explosion and rage (never any throwing of things or physical violence, etc.), then he either doesn't remember what happened or acts like nothing happened and I'm left here to deal with the aftermath by myself and wonder what the hell I did.

With his PTSD I never know what I'm coming home to after work. Am I getting the sweet, gentle husband who tells me he loves me, wants me, etc., or am I getting the sullen, I'm not talking to you and I wasn't even home all day so I don't even know why, or am I getting the depressed, my life sucks and its not going to get any better husband. Every day I head home from work excited to see him but worried about "who" I'm getting when I walk in the door.

Is there anyone out here dealing with a spouse that has been diagnosed with PTSD from a traumatic event or anyone that has PTSD that could help me learn how to react to his erratic behavior? 

My group and counselor do help and I am learning to basically ignore some of the outbursts since he can't help it and doesn't even always remember them, and I've learned how to NOT take things personally anymore - but I still found myself sometimes walking on eggshells to not say or do the wrong thing - because he's so unpredictable, something can be right in the morning and wrong by evening.

Sometimes I feel like I'm living with Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. He is in one-on-one counseling also and we do go together too. He's always telling me "you don't understand." He's right, I don't - can't, unless I was in his shoes, but by god I am trying my best to deal with the situation at hand, but he doesn't understand what it feels like on my side either. I love him and have no intention on leaving, just trying to learn how I can help to diffuse any possible erruption, not feel like I have to tiptoe and feel happy and loving while balancing all the balls.

Any advice other than what I'm already receiving in my weekly group and one-on-one counseling?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

What I understand about PTSD is that when a person gets a “trigger” about the event that caused their trauma they “relive” all the memories and emotions associated with the event. As if they were in the traumatic event for the first time. That is it “all comes flooding back”.

To be honest I don’t think a cat being on a coffee table has anything to do with a trigger for his PTSD.

He may not actually like cats, even though you said “our cats”. He was in his man cave and may well have gone there to be by himself with his own thoughts. Perhaps he was doing well handling your “intrusion” if that is indeed how he saw it and the cat on his table was just too much for him to handle.

“Exploding” is obviously not a good way to handle the situation … but it does sound like he has a lot to deal with and maybe that was “the straw that broke the camel’s back” at that particular time so to speak.

Bob


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

AFEH said:


> What I understand about PTSD is that when a person gets a “trigger” about the event that caused their trauma they “relive” all the memories and emotions associated with the event. As if they were in the traumatic event for the first time. That is it “all comes flooding back”.
> 
> To be honest I don’t think a cat being on a coffee table has anything to do with a trigger for his PTSD.
> 
> ...


While you are correct about flashbacks, etc. In my support group they have also told us that their feelings, anger, etc., are associated with their PTSD and "color" everything they do for the most part (most people with PTSD, not all). Meaning, they have explosive tempers and overreact about small things, they don't trust anyone, they are hypervigilant about their environment, always on guard, etc.

The "cats" are actually his, he won't go to bed without them - so the cats aren't the issue. And as far as the man cave, not an issue either - I spend every day after work in there and he has no issues with it - in fact, he has become so accustomed to me being in there that if I'm not he wants to know where I am at and what I'm doing.

So cats aren't the issue, his man cave isn't the issue. The PTSD, along with his brain injury have caused massive mood changes, anger problems, paranoia, trust issues, hypervigilance, etc. In fact, you can't come up behind him and touch him without warning or you might get hit. His doctor says that ALL of this is related to his PTSD (and some to his brain injury).

So while I understand "where" its coming from - dealing with it is a whole different issue. As I said earlier, he's in counseling and a PTSD and anger management group, I'm in counseling and a PTSD support group and we're in counseling together. We've been in counseling since earlier this year.

And while I have learned a lot about what he/I (as his caregiver) are going through, I still have difficulty is gauging the situation correctly and reacting appropriately so as to not antagonize an already difficult time. 

So I'm looking for anyone in a PTSD situation that can give me additional tools to help me and to help me help him when things get over-emotional and out of control.

I appreciate your time in responding.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Thank you for explaining. I think sometimes these things are harder for the caregiver than the person they are taking care of. I hope you have someone taking care of you. I think those support groups fantastically helpful.

Bob


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I have no experience with PTSD. I did want to thank you and your husband for your service to this country, and to say that I'm glad you both made it back. From what I understand about brain injuries (and it's not a whole lot) these issues could be a lifelong thing. It might not all be PTSD related. 

Have you talked to his physician? Not his therapist.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove~

May I take a moment to share with you a glimpse into my history and share life from the point of view of a person with PTSD? I was beaten as a child from ...well a very young age (I'd guess 7 or so) until I was in my teens. Now "back in the day" when I was a kid, spanking was not all PC and the abuse it is considered today, but just to be clear I was not spanked. Every day, after school, my sisters and I were tortured, hit with wooden boards or broom sticks from the knee to the shoulder until my adult parent grew physically tired from hitting us so much and so often. During the beating, we were screamed at about any number of topics, blamed, called names--it was most definitely NOT spanking. (I've been spanked and no I didn't like it, but I knew I did something wrong, it was explained to me what it was for and how many...X number of swats on the behind, DONE.) After the beating we were made to "stand at military attention" for hours while some christian radio program was played to us, and if we lagged in the slightest bit (head down, close eyes, or lose stiffness in the body) that brought on beating round 2. 

From that experience as a child I did develop PTSD--I was both diagnosed and did several years of therapy for dealing with it which I personally believe was very effective. My guess would be that unless someone knew me extremely well they might never suspect. In summary, I learned to recognize the triggering event inside myself and that "flashback" beginning, and then I learned to bring myself back here...to the present. 

From my fairly distinctive point of view, I would have to say that I disagree with this statement: 


> While you are correct about flashbacks, etc. In my support group they have also told us that their feelings, anger, etc., are associated with their PTSD and "color" everything they do for the most part (most people with PTSD, not all). Meaning, they have explosive tempers and overreact about small things, they don't trust anyone, they are hypervigilant about their environment, always on guard, etc.


I do not know how long ago your husband came home (and that's relevant), nor what he is or is not doing to address the PTSD--and I do realize it is "professionals" telling you this--but they are not very precise in saying this! In real life, what would be FAR more accurate would be that PTSD can have an impact on every aspect of your life, especially if it is near to the time of the trauma or if PTSD is being "blamed" for bad choices rather than learning how to address the issue and change. If the person with PTSD is allowed to act out and does not face what they are doing, then the knee-jerk reaction can very well be to utterly relive through the flashback and react with a nuclear explosion to a small offence, refuse to trust, and continuing to be on guard. 

In a way, it may feel "nicer" or "more loving" to you if he acts out and you say "Well that wasn't him--that was the PTSD" so that he is not responsible for what he chooses to do. And I realize this is hard to think about, but when I was deep in my PTSD I absolutely did do a nuclear reaction to a small thing, and one day it struck me that stuff was in the past but my reaction was in the present! I am an adult and I am responsible for my choices in the present. It's not my mom's fault or "being physically abused"--I am responsible NOW for what I choose to do NOW. And if I am reacting inappropriately to those whom I live, then I am responsible to do what work I need to do in order to keep them safe! I have to deal with me and learn new ways! 

Does that make sense?

This is not a blame thing. It's more like this: "Okay it seems reasonable to me that given XYZ occurring in your past, your reaction is understandable...but continuing to harm me in the present is NOT reasonable." See, as an adult and a man who has promised to love you, he is responsible to deal with himself and his own PTSD in order to protect you from himself. You can't "make" him do that, but you can come up with a respectful, healthy boundary about rage and abuse. 

Since a boundary is a statement about YOU and what you will allow in your life, you aren't forcing him or trying to control him or "make him" do anything. You are just saying, "When we married you promised to give me 100% of your affection and loyalty, and I expect you to honor your promise. Raging at me and treating me with angry outbursts is neither affectionate nor loyal, so I choose to not accept that kind of treatment. If you have a flashback, you can address that with your therapist, but in order to protect myself, when you lash out in rage I will immediately stop talking to you and walk away--to another room, or if you chase me, I'll take a walk so you can address your anger and then reconcile with me for not protecting me from your choices. I will NOT be the brunt of your anger--you'll need to find another punching bag."



> So cats aren't the issue, his man cave isn't the issue. The PTSD, along with his brain injury have caused massive mood changes, anger problems, paranoia, trust issues, hypervigilance, etc. In fact, you can't come up behind him and touch him without warning or you might get hit. His doctor says that ALL of this is related to his PTSD (and some to his brain injury).


His brain injury may have add effects to mood and personality--I am not even qualified to address that--but I can address the PTSD and the anger/paranoia and trust issues. To this day, if you swing something near the side of my head (so that I catch it out of the corner of my eye) I STILL completely trigger and flashback; likewise if someone were to surprise me and hit/touch my back. But although I flashback, freak out, and go instantly into extreme panic and "fight or flight" mode, that does not give me the right to harm or rage at those I love, does it? What I've learned to do is JUMP/Panic...recognize the flood...catch myself,lower defenses...explain to the other person... then work on myself using my senses to be HERE (in the present) touching, smelling, seeing, hearing what's going on around me HERE/NOW. Yes the knee-jerk reaction is panic, fight-or-flight, whirl around, defend--but it is MY JOB to deal with me so that I don't hurt you. And it is reasonable to say, "I'm sorry--I have PTSD and that surprise triggered me. May I have a minute to get ahold of myself?" 



> So while I understand "where" its coming from - dealing with it is a whole different issue. As I said earlier, he's in counseling and a PTSD and anger management group, I'm in counseling and a PTSD support group and we're in counseling together. We've been in counseling since earlier this year.


I personally believe the raging needs to be addressed, and not as something you need to accept because he has PTSD, but rather as something for which he is personally responsible. Let me give you an example. Let's say he is facing it but is not yet able to notice the flashback or stop his reaction and come back here. Okay--then in a sentient moment I would think he'd say "Honey I'm so sorry--I'm trying to deal with this and will keep working, but I'm not there yet, and I do not want to hurt you! In fact I want to protect you. So I need you to do what you have to do in order to protect yourself from me. Okay? I will deal with me and you keep yourself safe." 



> And while I have learned a lot about what he/I (as his caregiver) are going through, I still have difficulty is gauging the situation correctly and reacting appropriately so as to not antagonize an already difficult time.


This is my thought/suggestion for an appropriate response. At a time when he does seem to be un-triggered and as rational as possible, I suggest letting him know that you are no longer willing to be his emotional punching bag as he deal with his PTSD, but that you aren't leaving him or expecting him to be instantly cured. However, from know one when you think it might be a flashback, you're going to go to another room and get away. 

Then when he begins to rage and you suspect "...this may be a PTSD reaction" just say "I will not be treated with rage, and as I told you I suspect this is a PTSD triggered anger, so I'm going to my room now and locking the door so I can be safe. I will stay in that room for 15 minutes and if you are still raging, I'll stay in there 1 hour. After that if I have to I will go take a walk. And if you're still in a raging anger, I'll consult with your therapist and doctor." State it calmly and firmly, like you are stating a fact, and then go do it exactly like that. Don't threaten, engage in arguments, tit-for-tat...nothing. By doing this, he has time to deal with himself and you are safe and not subjected to emotional abuse.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Affaircare,

Thank you so much for sharing your story, I know that had to be painful and brought back bad memories.

I appreciate you taking the time to explain how you have gotten/get through the process of PTSD and your advice on how I should react and what his responsibility is in owing his reactions and behaviors.

I agree with you that he cannot use his PTSD as an excuse - he has to learn the tools that will help him deal and recognize his triggers, etc. He is doing that through his support group and will begin one-on-one counseling using a newly developed program to help PTSD patients - its just going to take time.

And I, have to learn to just leave the room. I do admonish him at times for over-reacting and having a response that is not appropriate based on the situation. He at times will apologize and at other times not. Leaving the room helps a lot, it gives him time to process what just happened and readjust his emotions. I'm just not always good at leaving the room - but I'm working on that.

I try not to "let him get away" with blaming everything on PTSD and his brain injury - its not always an issue, but occasionally he does use it as a crutch - sometimes its the type of situation where I need to say something about the behavior being unacceptable and other times its not appropriate based on what has happened (ex: if someone comes up behind him and touches him without warning and he explodes - well, that sucks for them, people that know us know better). 

Its just a roller coaster for me. I never know what's coming next and can be completely caught off-guard which at times results in a knee-jerk reaction from me which can escalate the situation. So I'm learning how to step back from the situation and think and pause before I jump in. When I do this, it does help both myself and him.

This caregiver situation is definitely for the birds. I have never been in this role before and nothing in my past has prepared me for the resentment, anger, sorrow, depression and all the other emotions and physical reactions I have had in this role. Its been the hardest thing I've ever done and there are times when I think I'm not selfless enough to hang in there - but I love him and stay - I just struggle daily with how to accept things and take care of me too.

Again - I appreciate your honest, forthright response, thank you again for sharing your pain and appreciate the well-give advice.

Thanks!


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## jinx.reversed (Nov 22, 2010)

want to share my story with you as well...and for others to maybe also be able to understand a little bit...from another person dealing with PTSD.
i have been diagnosed with PTSD (along with Depression..Anxiety..& Insomnia) for a little over 2 yrs. i was in the Navy myself..for 4 1/2 yrs. my husband (who did active duty for 14 1/2 yrs) and i met in the navy 13 yrs ago. have been married 10 1/2 yrs now. 
i now know how my husband feels and what he goes thru having to deal with my PTSD..depression..mood swings..anxiouty..etc. i can tell you that it did take a long time to understand at all. getting meds that worked well together that actually helped me handle my feelings..moods..anxiouty..etc and help me sleep better has seemed to be a major help too.
in my case..i was abused (sexually) when i was 8 yrs old (for a couple of months) then again from age 12 to 18..every type of abuse a parent could do. i am now 32 yrs old. so yes, i was depressed for a very long time and had developed the PTSD after joining the navy 13 yr ago. i had a few things happen in the navy that triggered my childhood junk...in turn making my depression worse. i was in major denial until 2 1/2 yrs ago. i realized i needed help once i realized that i was NOT there for my husband or our daughter..in many ways. i was extra distant from family and friends @ that time as well. like i said...it took me a long time to realize i had a problem that needed help. at the time i had been married 8 yrs and our daughter was only 6 yrs old. i felt so bad for being such a horrible wife and mother.
once i finally reached out for that help...i told my husband that i needed him to understand that i needed him more than ever at that time and i needed him to give me a chance to deal with all that has happened and let me get thru the 12 week group therapy that i signed up for..along with one on one counseling. he WAS very understanding and told me that he would WAIT FOR ME to get better before we made a choice to stay together or divorce. it was that bad at the time..as you could imagine.
JUST NOW..a month ago..i had a change of heart. just instantly. i can't explain what happened. it was a totally spontaneous thing. i just stopped being mad..angry..& upset. my doc told me that it could be that i am finally getting much needed restful sleep lately..with help of sleeping pills..and i was able to think straight again and able to look at my life in a different way. i am able to FOCUS on the things in front of me...not think about or dwell on the past anymore. i finally realize and don't understand WHY i had to hold in all that anger and madness and pain. i am sure i will never know the exact reason..and nobody will ever understand unless they have experienced it. i sat for a couple of days and tried to figure out what happened....i mean about the sudden change...and i still don't get it. all i know is that i feel so much better inside. and the best part is that my husband and i are slowly becoming closer than we ever were. we are able to talk about things we never talked about before. it's as if it is so much easier to talk to him about anything and everything. which i thought we had in the beginning of our relationship. not the case at all...so much deeper now. i do worry that i will mess that all up tho..somehow. i have messed up so many things along the way..and i do understand it has to do with what i am about..but still hard for me to accept that i have these problems. may be that i am getting better...but the reality is that it will NEVER all go away completely.
anyway...my point is that your husband is going thru a TON inside..as i am sure you know. just do him a favor and don't try so hard to understand. keep walking out of the room when he has a moment. let him get over it...unless he asks you to stay. just be there to listen if that is all he wants/needs at that time. at the same time...don't be mad at him...but remember to understand that it may take some time for him to get better. you do understand that he has a disorder that is very hard to cope with..on his part AND yours...so just TRY to do your best to show him you want to help him get thru what he is going thru. if you are willing to wait for him to get batter and possibly to do anything to help the process...tell him that.
actually my husband didn't do anything to try and understand. he didn't actually do much of anything but go on with life thru all of it. it has been all ME in my journey to heal..which is okay with me now. altho he has of course been understanding of my needs..and he is here for me as much as he knows how to be...not as much as i really need him to be..but enough as far as i am concerned. some ppl need way more from others. it sure has been a LONG and SLOW journey for me. i feel as long as my husband and i are getting along after all of it and have a great sex life and are here for each other as much as we know how to be now and understand each other...that is what matters to me. he does have his moments and problems of course..and that is hard on us sometimes..but we have been thru so much in our 10 yrs of marriage that it seems like we are able to work on anything...even thru my toughest moments that i have had from flashbacks to outbursts and anger and jealousy issues.
everyone is always going to be so different. i just don't feel that it is always necessary to HAVE TO understand every little detail about each other. even our spouse. i know that i DID want to know every little detail that my husband did/does...but now that i am not so angry and anxious every day my wanting to know has changed as well. i feel that is for the best in my case.

well, i hope i have been able to shed a different view for you. i hope i have at least been able to help you to understand a little more. so that you can possibly be there for your husband in a different way..that will work better for your relationship.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Thank you so much for sharing your story.

It seems like a lot of people with PTSD experience the same type of emotions, silences, walling off, etc.

It helps to get perspective from some who IS dealing with PTSD. I can't understand as I'm not in his position so that makes it hard, but I am trying to be supportive and your and AffairCare's insights do help.

Thanks and congratulations on making it through your journey. Us spouses have to be extremely patient and sometimes it does wear thin when you don't actually understand the nuances of everything going on in a person's head that has PTSD.

Again - thanks!


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## jinx.reversed (Nov 22, 2010)

YOU GET IT!!! that's awesome. 



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Us spouses have to be extremely patient and sometimes it does wear thin when you don't actually understand the nuances of everything going on in a person's head that has PTSD.
> 
> Again - thanks!




and you're welcome.
if you have any ?'s that i can help you with..feel free to msg me. i love helping other..and would love to help you out more if i can. 

p.s.
don't forget that it isn't all about him. you also need time to reflect and take a minute for yourself along the way. things will get better. just try and stay as positive as you can..it does help.


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## ptsdcompanion (Jan 9, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove,

I have another theory that might explain your husband's outburst. My own husband was diagnosed with PTSD (non-military-related) about 6 months ago. One thing he's been obsessed about lately is standing up for himself and not letting people "mess" with him. He feels he's let others victimize him for too long, and he has lots of anger and resentment about this. Which is understandable - the problem is that the anger can come out fairly randomly and inappropriately. (In fact, he's visiting friends in Europe right now and just told me over the phone that he flew off the handle at a rude train conductor in my home country and threw a massive fit.) Maybe your husband feels the same way, and when you didn't shoo the cat off, it seemed to him that you were questioning or refusing his wishes... I'm not saying that's rational, but it may be a common thing for PTSD sufferers. 

As far as how to handle it, let me know if you discover a good way... Frankly, I'm still getting used to it myself. Maybe this is a stage of PTSD people have to go through like a mourning stage, and over time and with good therapy it evens out a little. I'm keeping my fingers crossed, anyway!


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## Michelle27 (Nov 8, 2010)

The rages you describe, MWIL totally sound like the rages my husband has due to what I believe is undiagnosed BPD. They come out of nowhere and are always WAY out of proportion to whatever it is he's upset about (example...he once raged for 12 hours about where to put the garbage bag in the garage). For about 4 years I lived in constant fear of these rages, walking on eggshells and frankly, responding in all the wrong ways (I kept trying different things but the right one, and of course, they all didn't work and most actually made things worse). 

A few months ago I started reading about how to deal with what I was dealing with and have learned a lot of things that might help in your situation.

First, and I think you're already doing this in a way: Something called "Radical Acceptance". Realizing that what is, is. You can't change him. You can only control your responses and his illness is his. There's more to it than that, but that's the gist.

Second, and variations of this have already been talked about in this thread. Setting boundaries with what you will and will not tolerate. Remember that boundaries about YOU, not him. You are not trying to control him in any way, just saying what you will or will not tolerate and why. Affaircare described a good one. 

Third, I think realizing that the whole "walking on eggshells" waiting for a rage to appear is one thing I had to work on. The F.O.G. (fear, obligation and guilt) kept me stuck for a long time. I need to try to live without fear of a rage (because I have a boundary in place), realize that I don't have an obligation to be subjected to abuse because my husband is ill, and I have to let go of the guilt for my own inappropriate responses when I didn't know better.

Finally...and this may be more of a BPD thing but I do believe it's important in all relationships, especially long term relationships because it tends to be relaxed as people are more comfortable with their partners. Validation. I had to learn that it's ok to validate my husband's feelings, even if I don't agree with why he's feeling them. For example, when my husband blew up about where to put the garbage bag, my response was "why the heck are you so freaked out about this? Jeez!". That was invalidating. I should have said something like, "I understand that you're upset about where to put the garbage bag. What can we do about it?". I spent that whole 12 hours firing back in anger myself and/or withdrawing in fear because of how angry he was. I have started responding with more validation and it's making a difference. I had to get over the fact that it was ok to validate his feelings (they are, after all, HIS feelings and not mine to change) even if I totally disagree with what his feelings are about.

Not sure any of this is new to you or not, but it has helped me a lot.


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