# My fault that my wife wants separation



## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Granted this is my side and I wish I new more but my wife of 5 years told me she wants her own space because I have neglected her. I thought long and hard and she is right. Over the past few months I have seen a common trend and that is me doing what she says. Sadly she states that she tried to tell me, but I didn't hear what she was saying. Now she will not communicate, and wants nothing to do with me. We leave for Germany to visit her family in a week and for an entire week she has stated she wants her space and we will see how vacation goes. Vacation now worries me. I have tried to show her that I am sorry by writing love letters, flowers, text messages, and numerous other things this entire week. I have only made her mad because she states she wants space and I am not respecting that wish. I am hopelessly lost in what to do. On one side I want to respect what she says, but on the other side I think that if I give her to much space she may actually leave me. Side note 100% of all texting, calling, and where she is going is secretive and I do not want to act like I do not trust her. I am worried. Advice ideas anything would be helpful. Thank you all in advance.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

hopelesslyconfused said:


> Granted this is my side and I wish I new more but my wife of 5 years told me she wants her own space because I have neglected her. I thought long and hard and she is right. Over the past few months I have seen a common trend and that is me doing what she says. Sadly she states that she tried to tell me, but I didn't hear what she was saying. Now she will not communicate, and wants nothing to do with me. We leave for Germany to visit her family in a week and for an entire week she has stated she wants her space and we will see how vacation goes. Vacation now worries me. I have tried to show her that I am sorry by writing love letters, flowers, text messages, and numerous other things this entire week. I have only made her mad because she states she wants space and I am not respecting that wish. I am hopelessly lost in what to do. On one side I want to respect what she says, but on the other side I think that if I give her to much space she may actually leave me. *Side note 100% of all texting, calling, and where she is going is secretive and I do not want to act like I do not trust her. I am worried. Advice ideas anything would be helpful.* Thank you all in advance.


As I read your post, I agreed with your description of emotional and neglect. Then I read your last few sentences. Those secret behaviors are red flags she is involved with someone else. Trust your gut feelings, do not trust her. 

Advice: Pull back all affections and investigate. Check the itemized text and calls on the phone bill. See who she's calling. Then formulate the next step from there.

And stop being clingy. It makes you look weak, not attractive.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm of the opinion that perhaps she is NOT having an affair. Perhaps she is formulating a plan to move back to Germany PERMANENTLY without you. The timing of all the surreptitious behavior and the pronouncement that you neglect her seems fishy. I wonder if she's justifying leaving you and setting up work/living arrangements to check out while she's in Germany.

Just MY gut reaction.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> I'm of the opinion that perhaps she is NOT having an affair. Perhaps she is formulating a plan to move back to Germany PERMANENTLY without you. The timing of all the surreptitious behavior and the pronouncement that you neglect her seems fishy. I wonder if she's justifying leaving you and setting up work/living arrangements to check out while she's in Germany.
> 
> Just MY gut reaction.



I agree, this could be true also or it could be both. Investigate!


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Welcome to week 2. After some preliminary investigation I have not found any signs of her cheating. Still looking. She says she shouldn't have to prove her self to me and that its stupid that I have to be this jealous. She doesn't plan on moving back to Germany because she states she has nothing she wants there. She is already looking at moving out and being a roommate so she isn't stuck in a lease because she thinks she may want to reconcile. I also got the ILYBNILWY statement. I am taking the advice of not being clingy. I have also told her that she should move out if that is truly how she feels. I am now stuck with a dilemma. Should I setup ground rules for the separation? Should I help her in any way move out? I have already told her that she needs to get her own financials in order but she is asking for help because she doesn't know where to begin. I have already decided myself that the maximum amount of time I am giving the separation is 6 months after that I am moving on with my life. I want to do a 180 for myself and stop being depressed and get emotionally secure with what is going on, but I also feel like I am being a douche if I don't at least point her in the right direction on how to handle things. She has never paid a bill in her life and has no clue where to begin. I have always handled financials for us and made sure she had what ever she needed.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why do you feel like a douche?

If she wants her "space", then she better start learning how to balance her own budget.

It's called life. It's just what you do as a responsible adult with your own "space".

Don't make this easy on her. If you do, then your just enabling her current behavior and basically setting up the stage for eventual divorce.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

hopelesslyconfused said:


> Welcome to week 2. After some preliminary investigation I have not found any signs of her cheating. Still looking. She says she shouldn't have to prove her self to me and that its stupid that I have to be this jealous. She doesn't plan on moving back to Germany because she states she has nothing she wants there. She is already looking at moving out and being a roommate so she isn't stuck in a lease because she thinks she may want to reconcile. I also got the ILYBNILWY statement. I am taking the advice of not being clingy. I have also told her that she should move out if that is truly how she feels. I am now stuck with a dilemma. Should I setup ground rules for the separation? Should I help her in any way move out? I have already told her that she needs to get her own financials in order but she is asking for help because she doesn't know where to begin. I have already decided myself that the maximum amount of time I am giving the separation is 6 months after that I am moving on with my life. I want to do a 180 for myself and stop being depressed and get emotionally secure with what is going on, but I also feel like I am being a douche if I don't at least point her in the right direction on how to handle things. She has never paid a bill in her life and has no clue where to begin. I have always handled financials for us and made sure she had what ever she needed.


No, you should not separate. You cannot work on a marriage while separated. Go for divorce.

She may not be cheating yet but she wishes to isolate herself from you to lead a single life style. Do not enable this.

If she is a walk away wife, then she will not be back.

In either case the answer is that she stays and works on the marriage with full transparency or divorce. 

This is the best way you can salvage your marriage. But indeed it may not be salvageable.

Why in the world would you give her six months?

So what investigation did you do? You just asked her. Right?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Separation and not work on the marriage? If she is not willing to stay and work on things, then let her go and divorce. This separation she suggest is only "let me see if I like this and if I don't I might have to use him as plan B. So I'll keep him on the hook with a chance or R". 

If she wants out there's nothing you can do about it. You can only do something about yourself. She has decided that she wants to experience life with out you, then it is not your responsibility to support that. Does she really think that she can leave you behind to be single and you'll pay for that. 

I still think she's hiding someone. Ask her if she thinks it will be OK to date others during the separation, that answer will be the tell. 

Prepare yourself for life with out her. Here read these;

180 List - No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group

No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Well I appreciate everything you all are saying and it does make a lot of sense to me. I did my investigation not only by asking her but in another way, but I will have to plead the 5th on divulging that information. I truly love my wife and I do not want to see her go. I guess I am just hanging on to nothing right now but my own sense of longing. I will think over the next few weeks and try the 180 to see if it makes a difference. So far over the past few days all it has caused is her lashing out in anger towards me.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Of course she's angry, you're detaching and her plan won't work with out your participation. Again if she does not want to work on the problem, except for walking away, continue the 180. And read "NMMNG"


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Well last night she wanted to talk. I told her I wasn't going to be a plan B and if she feels she need to leave that I will go ahead and start getting papers for the divorce. She stated that she didn't feel moving to such a drastic course of action was needed at this time. She states she doesn't know what she wants and that it might be possible that before she moves out that we seek MC. I told her that I need an answer and these maybe's and possibly are not going to cut it. Looking at the 180 I see "_Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior._" Should I believe any of what she says? I have decided I am not going to get strung along and told her that these are the only options. She said she would think about it and let me know.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

She may not be seeing anyone but still you are handling the right way. My stbxw has a male complex, I suspect from her father not being around. During our 5 yrs together every single time any of her family or friends had problems with marriage, her advice to the women was always "Screw him and leave him!" 

She encourages this as the answer for every problem and never once will look in the mirror to see anything wrong with her or her actions. She even encouraged her own brothers wife to leave him and take kids and haul ass to Germany. 

I think its a mindset where she has to be the boss or in charge and answer to no one for anything she does. 

If a man tries to or expects anything or has a problem with anything a woman does, the only acceptable solution to her is 
"Take the kids and money and haul ass!"


No comprehension of marriage, family or commitment at all. She basically hates men but needs them to exist financially.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> I still think she's hiding someone. Ask her if she thinks it will be OK to date others during the separation, that answer will be the tell.


Curious, what would the telling answer be from someone having an affair?


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

The telling answer in my opinion would be that it wouldn't bother her so she would agree to see others. Reason is she already is seeing someone which would justify her doing it already. Sadly I am forgoing the separation and telling her either stay and work on it or divorce. I still do not know what her plan is.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> Curious, what would the telling answer be from someone having an affair?


Wanting to date others during separation, in the case of infidelity, would be a chance for the offending party to have a 'get out of jail free card'. It doesn't say it for certain because it is also a statement that the marriage is over and the parties are looking for new partners. 

When you play poker your opponent hides their hand from you. In order for you to know what they are thinking you need to look for the tell. You can never be certain what's in their hand, but you get a feel for what to look out for.

Odds, it's all about improving your odds against the person hiding their hand.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

hopelesslyconfused said:


> Sadly I am forgoing the separation and telling her either stay and work on it or divorce. I still do not know what her plan is.


Sadly at this time that's all you can do. You have told her you're willing to work on the issues that she has had with you over the years. Now it's her move. Give it a bit, for her to processes this. She didn't think out, that you would take control and it could end so quickly.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

My STBXH is stringing me along so much, talking just enough R crap to drop crumbs. But I told him I knew he was just stringing me along and that I was going to file. Then in the 11th hour, he said he wanted to try other ideas so I (probably stupidly) held off. But his actions have shown otherwise, no real attempts at all on his end. Then he found out another guy asked me out. I wasn't even the least bit interested, mind you, but he latched onto that and said HE wasn't going to date anyone (pfft, I think he already has) but if that's what I felt I needed to do, then he suggested I go ahead and do it and then he would know what he had to do. Whatever the hell that meant! 

That's why I asked. I also felt like him basically giving me the green light was his "out" so he could then bring out the OW and not have to hide her anymore. He still adamantly denies affair but he reeks of having OW. To OP, I think it's good advice to ask about dating others. As you can see from my experience, it does seem to be telling. Although I could tell mine was bothered by the idea of ME dating someone else, ironic as that might seem!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

StillRemains said:


> My STBXH is stringing me along so much, talking just enough R crap to drop crumbs. But I told him I knew he was just stringing me along and that I was going to file. Then in the 11th hour, he said he wanted to try other ideas so I (probably stupidly) held off. But his actions have shown otherwise, no real attempts at all on his end. Then he found out another guy asked me out. I wasn't even the least bit interested, mind you, but he latched onto that and said HE wasn't going to date anyone (pfft, I think he already has) but if that's what I felt I needed to do, then he suggested I go ahead and do it and then he would know what he had to do. Whatever the hell that meant!
> 
> That's why I asked. I also felt like him basically giving me the green light was his "out" so he could then bring out the OW and not have to hide her anymore. He still adamantly denies affair but he reeks of having OW. To OP, I think it's good advice to ask about dating others. As you can see from my experience, it does seem to be telling. Although I could tell mine was bothered by the idea of ME dating someone else, ironic as that might seem!


SR, don't hold off. He's only cake eating. Filing will start the clock ticking for him. It will still take plenty of time before the judge bangs the gavel.


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## StillRemains (Aug 9, 2012)

Yeah, anchor, I see that. I already talked to the attorney this week. I've got to get clarification on some things and then attorney is ready to file for me. STBXH was here dropping off child a little bit ago and I let him say what he had to about child then turned my back and walked away from him, never looked back. That's different for me and he will know that. I could see it in his face--he was a little worried about my "new" uncaring attitude. He was trying to be all sweet but I didn't shift. Grrr, they make me so mad. 

Sorry to original poster, didn't mean to hijack the thread. I know exactly how you are feeling and wish the best for us both.


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Well wish me luck tomorrow I leave on "vacation" with what I am referring to now as my ex wife. I have already talked to a lawyer and started paper work. I do not believe she will come around and I am not waiting.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good luck Hopeless, with whatever comes.


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## hopelesslyconfused (Sep 8, 2012)

Well vacation sucked! While on vacation I finally cracked my ex wifes phone and to everyones knowledge she was cheating. BIG SUPRISE!

I am now in the process of filing for a divorce no chance for reconciliation. Big kicker is that when I found out she was actually talking to the guy in the back yard when I confronted her. Now her parents find out and are pissed at her and father disowns her. This is now all my fault or so she says. Life is ironic and I now believe in karma.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Sorry it had to end this way. It never ceases to amaze me why people have to resort to deceit. Don't think for once that it was your fault she carried on with another man. That was all her choosing. Her excuse that she didn't get enough attention may have been a reason to work on the marriage but it is not reason to deceive you. Good luck to your future with out her. You've learned a lot in the last few weeks. You will be better for it. 

Wish you well.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Dude, bravo for staying focused. She doesn't deserve you. Never has, probably never will. You exposed the lies. Its not about taking a side in this case. I am proud you didn't bend over and just take it.


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