# Wife wants to separate but is sending mixed mesages



## davis1056

Hi everyone. This is my first thread and I desperately need some advice. I have been married for about 1.5 years (known each other for 4, lived for 3)and last Sunday my wife told me that she has been very unhappy about our marriage for quite some time and would like a separation. To give some background I have been depressed for about 8 months due to not having a job and student loans to pay for and became very secluded and emotionally distant.

I didn't want anything to do with my family, my friends, and sadly my wife. I never yelled at her, cheated on her but I didn't have the energy to try and be there for her. My wife and I recognized this was a problem, talked about it, and month ago I started seeking help from a therapist. Since then, I have noticed some considerable improvement but am still not out of the woods and am fighting it everyday.

However, the damage was done and my wife is extremely unhappy. She's questioning our entire relationship and even before the depression started. I am heartbroken that I could have done better, communicated better, told her I was depressed earlier, and overall been there more for her. She's exhausted from trying to fight it and I told her I'll be the one in the beginning to fight for our relationship for the 2 of us and that we need to go to counseling (we went to 1 already but at that time she already made up her mind). She even admitted that she should have come to me sooner with her concerns and is upset with herself. I said that we both made mistakes and that all we can do is learn form what we did, forgive ourselves before we forgive each other, and the only thing we can control is ourselves. I said I'm going to go regardless and would love for her to join. 

She did still say that she loves me but that maybe love isn't enough in addition to saying that maybe at our happiest we weren't that happy (which i strongly disagree and reminded her of all the happy times we shared). We still talk, laugh and joke around but we have been spending the night in separate rooms (or she leaves for a friends) and now she is going home to her parents for the weekend. I'm trying to show her that I love her and that I still care for her. For example, I was taking care of her when she came home not feeling well this week (which she was very thankful for). I'm giving her space and told her to take as much time as she needs but I feel like I'm being torn up inside. 

This is a very short version and can elaborate more if needed.

I would also like to point out that I did try to find out what was wrong. I sensed something was bothering her but when I ask what's wrong or are you ok? I would get "I'm fine" which would make me feel like I did something but couldn't find out what it was. I really did try to be there, but maybe it wasn't enough or I didn't express it enough. I do care for her deeply and will do anything for her. I'm finally getting out of my depression only to see my life in ruins


----------



## Sparta

I hate to tell you this Buddy but she's probably seeing someone already might want to check on that I'm just being honest with you usually when a woman is like that she's going to miss it you might want to see if that's the case she's leaving to go to her friends house ...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## davis1056

We may be having problems, but that's just not true. We had that talk and I do believe her when she said she isn't seeing someone.


----------



## Sparta

OK you do know that people lie right. especially if you're cheaters. Look I'm not sure but we see enough you guys coming in here but swear up-and-down my wife would not do that will guess what. And I've been on the sites for a while now. I'm not trying to be real cynical OK but it's using what happened today so I'm not saying she it just sounds like the same old story.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marc878

davis1056 said:


> We may be having problems, but that's just not true. We had that talk and I do believe her when she said she isn't seeing someone.


Famous last words. Separation usually = divorce.

Check the phone bill. If you've been around here long enough it may not be cheating but a good % of the time it is.

No harm checking it out. Can't tell you how many times a spouse gets blamed for all sorts of being a bad partner/parent and then bam, uh oh OM/ow is in the mix.


----------



## Marc878

flipflops said:


> Not everyone that is unhappy with their spouse is a cheater! Most people jump to that conclusion. Sure, it's completely possible. But, maybe she wants to separate because her husband is making her life miserable by not being there for her. I've wanted out for most of my marriage, but not once have I even considered cheating. I just wanted to be away from him because he was sucking the life out of me. I've finally gotten up the nerves to file. This isn't about me, though. I wish people would just stop telling people that their spouse has likely already cheated or is about to. And, then they suggest all sorts of invasive things that may or may not be necessary. OK, rant over.


It happens way to often. What's the harm in spending 15 minutes looking at a phone bill? Trust but verify especially around a separation.

Taking someone's word in a situation like this is very naive


----------



## x598

Marc878 said:


> It happens way to often. What's the harm in spending 15 minutes looking at a phone bill? Trust but verify especially around a separation.
> 
> Taking someone's word in a situation like this is very naive


listen to this post!!!!


----------



## Hopeful Cynic

davis1056 said:


> We may be having problems, but that's just not true. We had that talk and I do believe her when she said she isn't seeing someone.


Yeah, that's how cheating works, actually. The cheater lies and the chumped spouse believes them.

If she was just unhappy and wanting to separate, the sleeping in different rooms thing would be okay. The sleeping in someone else's house is another matter entirely. The not telling you what's bothering her is another.

Because cheating is a possible issue, he has to eliminate it (or confirm it) before he can tackle the other issues, because if she IS cheating, nothing else he tries is going to work.

Aside from that potential issue, I have to say I'm not seeing mixed messages in what you described. She still wants you as a friend, but not as a lover. She still cares about you, but is not attracted to you anymore. She's trying to let you down easy, but she wants out of the marriage. For whatever reason (your depression, finding someone she's more attracted to, she only 'settled' for you) you are not what she imagines in a husband ongoing in her life. She's just having a hard time letting go of your support, like when she was sick. She probably also believes she'd be singlehandedly responsible for worsening your depression if she leaves, and is feeling guilty about that.

She may also be a bit depressed herself. I'm sure you're aware that depression can lead one to mentally 'rewrite' the past as not being as happy as it actually was. Of course, cheating does that too.


----------



## turnera

davis1056 said:


> We may be having problems, but that's just not true. We had that talk and I do believe her when she said she isn't seeing someone.


What, you think she's going to admit it? 

DO the checking, just to make sure. Because if she is cheating, you trying to fix yourself up for her WILL DO NO GOOD.

If she is cheating, you have to get the other guy out of the picture first and THEN look at the marriage. 

Just check the phone records. Look at her phone.


----------



## turnera

flipflops said:


> There is no harm looking at a phone bill, but people talk about immediately recording their spouses. I guess if the people posting saying their spouses wanted a separation were completely honest (as in this case the OP takes responsibility for his actions), maybe everyone wouldn't jump to the conclusion of a cheating spouse. And, I've been cheated on so I know how it feels.


it's not jumping to a conclusion. It's ruling out possible reasons.


----------



## MachoMcCoy

You all do realize this forum will not help ANYONE if EVERY SINGLE QUESTION gets the reply of "She's Cheating!!!!"

Is she? Maybe. But that's not the problem even if she is. And that is PURE speculation anyhow. The fact is that a majority of women fall out of love with their husbands. You all don't even mention that as a factor. So don;t give me that "we need to rule it out" BS. You all love it. So you push that envelope EVERY TIME.

You are all voyeurs: It's either cheating or you can't be bothered.

Dude. You have no idea how far gone she is. And once you hear about it, it's to late. Read up on the 180. Fix you. You are in for a ride.

I'll follow this thread. I hope it doesn't feed the beast here and go 50 pages over a year of you trying to find an OM. When what matters most is that she doesn't love you any more. It's not rare. Happens all the time. But it doesn't get the juices flowing in the gallery. If it's not infidelity and spying, it's boring.


----------



## Marduk

Well, minus the depression, he pretty much described how my first marriage ended.

Nothing really made sense, she was just done, and became increasingly aggressive about it, hoping I'd be the one to leave. 

Tried everything, including a "trial separation." Nothing made sense, there were no answers to be found.

Until I found out that she was, in fact, cheating.

So to be fair, I think it's worth at least ruling out.


----------



## turnera

I didn't say she was cheating. I said make sure she isn't before you address the other stuff. Big difference.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up

So what do you want OP?
You want an amicable divorce or you want to try and save your marriage?

Your call.
If you want to save it, well you got to find out why she is wanting to leave.
Process of elimination.
You have people telling you that she has signs of someone who is cheating.
People who have been on these boards a long time and have been thru the same thing.
I am one of them.
Yes, she is showing the signs.
Sorry but the signs are there.
Does it mean she is?
Why don't you take the time to find out?
If she isnt, well now you can eliminate that and work on what is the real reason.

They tell you to look into it because if she is cheating, working on anursing else is a fruitless endeavor.

A lot of us have been cheated on.
A lot of us deal with it differently.
You can take the advice and look into it or not.
You are the one who will have to live with that choice.
As a side note, I hope she isn't cheating brother, cause that is not something we are ever mentally ready to face right off the bat


----------

