# Confused



## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

Hi , I am considering leaving my husband as I am not in love with him anymore and have not been for a long time. I spent some time with someone else last year and it really opened my eyes. I told my husband everything and he still wants me but I don't want him and I just dont know how to get out as because he is so nice now its making it very hard for me .... any suggestions


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

of course, you cheated, and are in luv with the OM. H can't compete with the OM, due to only having fun with him and normal drudgery in your M...


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

No im not in love or seeing him anymore it was a few meetings last year that's all , and I told him, I did not get caught ....


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If you have children and then stay with him until the children are out of the house, if you don't have children then if you want to leave him, then leave him.


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## Gerrard (Aug 25, 2014)

mimimy said:


> Hi , I am considering leaving my husband as I am not in love with him anymore and have not been for a long time. I spent some time with someone else last year and it really opened my eyes. I told my husband everything and he still wants me but I don't want him and I just dont know how to get out as because he is so nice now its making it very hard for me .... any suggestions


Care to elaborate a bit. Ages, kids, history?


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

I have two kids ...happilymarried25


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

gerrard ..kids are 13 and 10 ...he has made me unhappy for years and when I try to talk he dismisses me and walks away . he has never been supportive in troubled times . but he is a good man who would never hurt me . our last chat 2 years ago he told me if I wasn't happy well I know what to do, go find someone to make me happy . I felt so unloved and unwanted that I decided in my head there and then I was out . and now that he realises hes lost me he want me and im suddenly gorgeous , sexy and he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me .. but I feel ive given him enough chances over the years that I think he is just backed into a corner now and afraid of being on his own.... I feel bad for him sometimes but I try not let that rule my decision,,,, its very hard


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You should talk to a lawyer.

You don't have to commit to anything yet but consulting a lawyer might give you a better picture of what you're getting into as far as asset division, custody, time and investment required.

You'll have a better idea of how hard it will be.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

mimimy said:


> gerrard ..kids are 13 and 10 ...he has made me unhappy for years and when I try to talk he dismisses me and walks away . he has never been supportive in troubled times . but he is a good man who would never hurt me . our last chat 2 years ago he told me if I wasn't happy well I know what to do, go find someone to make me happy . I felt so unloved and unwanted that I decided in my head there and then I was out . and now that he realises hes lost me he want me and im suddenly gorgeous , sexy and he loves me and he doesn't want to be without me .. but I feel ive given him enough chances over the years that I think he is just backed into a corner now and afraid of being on his own.... I feel bad for him sometimes but I try not let that rule my decision,,,, its very hard


Let me tell you (what I think) has happened here.

For starters, your husband didn't really respect the marriage or you the way he should have before. He didn't understand the things you were trying to tell him, he didn't realize that he couldn't just engage in debate to refute your claims, and your concerns weren't just the result of the female emotional roller coaster. In frustration, he probably did say what you mentioned above about leaving or finding someone else, but certainly never thought that you would. Prior to that point, I'm sure you experienced months and maybe years of heartache over the situation, and constantly tried to make things better, so for that I am very sorry.

Then, as you said, you emotionally gave up. Someone can't hurt you if they don't mean anything to you, so as a lot of women in this situation tend to do, they go from tears and desperation one moment, to firm resolve to forget about him and move on the next moment. When you confessed your interest in the other man, your husband suddenly had his wake up call, his "OH CRAP" moment where he finally realized what you had been trying to get through to him for so long. He finally realized that it didn't matter if he agreed with your concerns, if you were "right or wrong," if you're concerns were substantiated or not, etc. All that really mattered is that you were unhappy, you desperately wanted his help/support, and he wasn't there for you. He finally realizes that there is a very real danger that he might lose you, and this scares the heck out of him. He's shocked too, because he likely didn't see this coming, but the bottom line is that he finally "gets it" now. He will see you in a whole new light, his emotionally tough exterior will crumble and he'll realize what he has done and where he screwed up.

So the lousy part is that when he has finally woken up and gotten his act together, is genuinely ready and willing to take the right steps, make legitimate changes, etc., your heart has since turned to stone as far as he is concerned and have your defenses on high alert to not trust anything he says or does, ultimately out of a fear that he could potentially hurt you again. No one can blame you for that either. It's just unfortunate, because I think it's really possible that your husband come emerge from this being fully capable of becoming the great husband you always wanted him to be (more or less, no one is perfect!) but I understand how difficult that would be for you to open up to that possibility, again. 

As you said, you feel like you've given him countless chances in the past already, which is certainly a fair statement. I would add however that all of those chances were given when he really had no idea what the true situation was, and had an enormous misconception of how women communicate and how to properly respond to their emotional needs. To offer an analogy, it might be like repeatedly asking someone to pass a history test, given in Chinese. You could give him a thousand chances to pass, but if he doesn't speak Chinese or even know what the topic if the test is (because it's in Chinese), then it's not going to matter whether he had one chance or a million chances. If he only knew how to speak/write in Chinese, THEN he might be capable of learning the topic and passing the test. After all, that one single chance given AFTER learning Chinese would have dramatically increased odds of success vs. the million chances given prior to learning Chinese.

So... I'm not saying that you should give him another chance, especially because I know how hard that would be to do, but I would suggest that you at least consider it. Pay close attention to his actions now, maybe don't try to dissuade him from his efforts, but observe what he does and what he says closely. You also certainly wouldn't have to tell him that you are open to another chance either.

In a sense, he has sort of been backed into a corner, but that corner does have two exits. He's now been put in a position where he realizes that his perception of the marriage's health has been wrong for some time, that you are very much willing to move on now, and he is really left with only two choices. Hetake door #1, can wake up to the reality of the situation as it is and, now that the stakes involved are clear, can decide that he wants to fight for the marriage and do whatever it takes to address the areas where he was wrong, exiting the false reality he built for himself so that he can build a new one with you. Or he can take door #2, and walk away from the marriage. If he really doesn't love you, doesn't actually value your marriage or maybe just doesn't care enough about it to commit to the daunting challenge of trying to save it, then he'll take door #2. Forcing him into the corner, to that clear understanding of the situation, and his choices, is one issue that countless women here on TAM have struggled to achieve, but it's probably the biggest step that is needed if their marriage will have a chance.

Your husband does have a choice here. It sounds like he really wants to take door #1 and fight for you. Besides anger, which is totally justified, how do you feel about that?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

I couldn't have liked your comment CDbaker more, you're spot on.

mimimy, take it from a man that was in your H position, difference that i was supportive of her and never dimminished her but i neglected her and didn't really pay attention to what she was trying to comunícate.

Us men are different beasts that you wonderful women, we need it to be lay out straight to us, no filter, no run arounds. Been told straight what you don't like and that if we don't change x or y you'll be out the door.

It looks like he wants and has it in him to change and be right to his family. Your feelings for him changed they can come back, it will take time but at least give it a try if they don't even with all his effort, and you have to put some in too, then at least you'll know thta you gave it all. You'll be able to tell your children that mom and dad tried and tried to make it work but couldn't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> If you have children and then stay with him until the children are out of the house, if you don't have children then if you want to leave him, then leave him.


Um, NO, DO NOT do this! If you want out, then get out, dont make your children live in dysfunction!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a way that you can fall back in love with him. There is a way for him to learn how to be a husband who meets your needs and is supportive of you.

I would highly encourage you to work on your marriage one last time because there is way to fix this if you both will work together on it. 

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Get him to read them with you and to do the work that they books suggest.

Give it, say 3 months, if things are not significantly better in 3 months then get a divorce. if they are better, give it another 3 months and see if the changes are holding and things are still good. Re-evaluate every 3-6 months. And let him know that you plan on doing this. He cannot make changes for a short while and then revert to the way things were in the past.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Forgive me Mimimy, but I'll go off on a tangent for just a moment and most of this isn't actually directed at you, just to couples in general and how problems in marriages can get far worse due to men and women communicating with each other differently.


It's always saddening when I see stories here on TAM of men posting new threads that basically start with, "OMG, my wife just left me! I never saw this coming!" or "I just got served with divorce papers!" or "My wife just told me she doesn't love me anymore, what happened?!" Followed by a whole bunch of statements about how he had no idea that there were any problems going on, or at the very least hadn't realized that the problems had gotten THIS bad. Their natural instinct, assuming they do genuinely love their wives and don't want their marriage to end, is to sweep into drastic action trying to do anything to show their wives how serious they are about saving it and how committed they are and will be to that end.

On the flip side, we see tons of threads started by wives who feel like they are at their wits end about how to get through to their husbands, or how long they have been hurting and feeling ignored or alone in their pain, or how their husbands don't listen or are too dumb to get it, etc. After a loooong time (often years) of doing everything they can think of to try to effect some change in their marriage and their husbands, they finally can't take it anymore, their hearts are hardened, and they instead devote that energy to getting out of the marriage as quickly as possible.

So as Regretf alluded to above, one of the big causes of this misunderstanding is the wife not communicating with their husband in his language, and instead speaking to him the way she might with a woman. Women (From my external male experience) seem to try to dance around serious issues, drop hints, clues, express their feelings and emotional responses to certain issues while not being specific/direct about the issues themselves, maybe complain about something without directly stating the problem, etc. Maybe they are just trying to be gentle, maybe they don't want to risk hurting our feelings, challenging our ego, etc. Another common one that drives us crazy is "I shouldn't have to tell him, he should already know!" Ladies, it's not that we don't care, or don't want to know, or can't understand it, but sometimes we just don't know what it is that is bothering you or what we're doing wrong and you just need to tell us. This doesn't make us bad people or bad husbands, we just aren't female and some of this doesn't come naturally to us. You can sit and be angry about why we don't get it already, or you can just sit us down and tell us directly.

A recent personal example: My wife got angry with me a while back for not yet having hung up a new curtain rod in our bedroom, even though we'd bought it weeks earlier. (She works overnights and sleeps during the day, so having the room as dark as possible is preferred) She just exploded in anger one day about it, and I was blown away, I couldn't understand how she got that angry that quickly. I told her if it was that big of a deal, why hadn't she asked me to do it over the prior few weeks? Heck, I was angry that she'd stewed on it that long and allowed the frustration to build up without saying something about it, because I certainly didn't mind installing the rod. She responded that she HAD been telling me regularly, every week how she wanted the curtain rod installed, and couldn't believe that I didn't realize it, instead believing that I must have just been ignoring her. In fact, what she had been doing was grumbling about how tired she was every now and then, or how she hadn't slept well this or that day, or complained to her mom about how bright our room is during the day while I was on the couch next to her, etc. It took me a moment to realize what had happened there. To her, all of those little indirect complaints, shows of discomfort, complaining to someone else while I was nearby, was her way of sending me the message/reminder that she wanted the curtain rod installed and she was finally beyond angry that I had ignored her "signals" for so long. Of course, I hadn't seen them that way at all because as a man I'm not programmed to analyze and interpret such messages that way. From my point of view, she really hadn't asked me a single time to install the rod since the day we bought it, so while I had indeed forgotten about it after we bought the rod weeks earlier, I had no idea it was a big deal for her. In my mind, women tend to complain and discuss things/people they don't like or aren't happy about ALL THE TIME, so while I absolutely do try to listen carefully, I usually won't be able to interpret unspoken additional meanings from that sort of communication.

Imagine if a guy didn't know how to install a curtain rod and wanted help from another male friend of his with getting it installed. Can you imagine him trying to find opportunities to say, "Ugh, I just have not been sleeping well lately..." or "I had a rough night last night." or "Gosh I wish our room were darker during the day..."? Of course not, the guy friend wouldn't know why in the world he was sharing such statements. He might say, "Uhhh... ok? And?" If I wanted help from my friend, I'd simply say to him, "Hey Man, would you mind stopping by sometime this week and helping me put up this curtain rod in my room?" He'd say "yeah sure, see ya Saturday. Also, make sure the beer is cold", and that would be that.

On the other hand, imagine a woman making all of those same statements/complaints to a girlfriend of hers. The friend would probably respond with something like, "Oh gosh that sucks! Can you put up a curtain rod or have your husband install one? If not, we should totally get together this weekend and do that! I hate it when I'm trying to sleep and the sun is in my eyes! What color is your room painted again? I bet we could find a nice curtain/rod set that would match it!" Haha, maybe I'm embellishing, but you get the picture.

So we were able to dissect that conflict pretty clearly, but all it involved was a simple procrastinated chore. Imagine how much worse it can get with real marital problems with no simple solution? It takes years of programmi... err... training for a man to be even halfway capable of interpreting female communication codes like this, and I bet it's almost as challenging for women to learn to speak directly to us as well, so "He should already know!" is oftentimes an unfair/unrealistic expectation and it's usually far easier for everyone to just sit him down and tell him what the problem is.


On an unrelated note, why on earth did my wife expect me to be listening to and interpreting a hidden meaning behind something that she was saying to her mom while I was busy with another activity, just because she happened to be in the same room as I? She was honestly perplexed as to how/why I didn't drop what I was doing to eavesdrop on her conversation. Haha. I guess that's another lesson for me eh?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, you have to realize that the feelings you had with the OM were NOT real feelings. They were a fantasy, they had no responsibilities attached, you had the excitement of a forbidden thing, so of course thinking of those times makes you feel that you can have better than your husband. The problem is that you will just find yourself in ANOTHER rut with any OTHER man, if you don't address the problems in your marriage - you'll just take them with you to the next marriage. 

And second, your kids' futures will be diminished 50% because you divorced - mental issues, self esteem issues, time issues, anger issues, you just have no idea how much divorcing is going to hurt your kids.

Get the books Ele suggested. Read them NOW. Learn why your marriage fell apart. Was your H an ass? Yeah, but many men do the exact same thing - they aren't raised to understand how to listen and nurture and pay attention, like most women need. They have to be TOLD and SHOWN. So this isn't all his fault. Both of you need to educate yourselves. And you shouldn't be throwing away a marriage - your kids' family - just because you're not feeling it.

Read the books. Fill out the questionnaires. Start spending 15 hours every week together - away from the kids, chores, work. If you don't spend that time together, you WILL fall out of love. It doesn't have to be 8-hour-long dates. Set up a jigsaw puzzle and just sit down and work on it together now and then. Go for a walk around the block and just talk. Sit down for a cup of coffee together a couple times a week. The time will add up.

You married him for a reason. Remind yourself what that was.


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

Cdbaker..... u so hit the nail on the head in your comments. That's exactly how things are. I am afraid that if I give him a chance within 6mts to 1 yr things will be the same again as he will get comfy. And as for hidden messages I was always outstraight with him , I told him exactly how it was and how I felt . I even asked him if it was a case that he just didn't love me anymore and was just use to me as were together so long. because his action were a clear indicator of that and it would have made more sense to me . But no he always said no ''I love you '' but his action said different which always left me feeling crap , but I got over it and would plod along til next time I felt not good about things and the same scenario would play out again, I confront him and end up feeling **** for days as he always got annoyed cause he didn't like those conversations, wopuldnt talk to me then come home poss 3 days later from work all happy cause hes ok now . Now we probably had these concersations 2 a year or less for the last 10 yrs or so but really 2 yrs ago I just thought ,,, not doing this anymore ... but in saying that im still here but its very hard , I cant imagine him not been around but at the same time I don't have any fight in me to try cause I just don't feel like im here right now .....do u get what im saying ?????


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

EleGirl.... I don't know if iwant to try anymore


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

Regretf.... I do feel like I tried many many times .... im am in such a confused place right now


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You haven't tried doing it the right way yet. You haven't learned yet about boundaries/consequences, emotional needs, setting high standards that he has to live up to or suffer consequences. No one's stopping you from walking, but I'd be disappointed in you for leaving NOW, when you've finally come to a place like this where you can get the right knowledge and training to do things right.

Or did you just come here hoping we would tell you it's ok to walk away?


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

So how do I do it right?
How do I make myself want him again?
Really , I cant see myself without him but I cant see myself wanting him again. what does this mean?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go back and read the posts we've already made. We've already TOLD you how to change it.

You set up boundaries and consequences. You read the books listed. You tell him what he will have to do, and you hold him to it. You vow to spend 15 hours a week together so you can start bonding with each other again. You talk talk talk talk talk. You get him into therapy with you so you can safely discuss what's gone wrong and what the right way to do things is.

And most of all, YOU commit. It's obvious that since you cheated, you think you can get better. And we told you that what you 'had' with the OM is FAKE, because you two had no responsibilities - what would he have been like if HE had to wipe your kids' snotty noses or dealt with them when they start getting Fs in school (likely outcome when you divorce and start dating new men)? I'll tell you. He would have not been so much 'fun' and you'd have to ask yourself if he is halfway decent to be with.

I know you said he was just a fling, but what makes you think any other guy would be any better? How many guys out there want to take a middle aged woman with two almost-teens? I'll tell you: not many.

You're having grass is greener syndrome because you cheated, but you are NOT being realistic. And the fact that you won't even try, when you're here being given all kinds of great advice on how to make the marriage you have great.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Oh Turnera and CDBaker, i wish my wife had had advice like the one you are giving mimimy. You are so correct. What happend to her is the same thing that's happening to mimimy, she was unhappy but she walked away, i believe she had an EA (exit affair) and thought the grass is greener on the other side.

Unfourtunaly we are getting a divorce now, with a 3 1/2 year old boy and it breaks my heart because there's not a darn thing i can do and i have tried everything, he heart is hardened and i believe she hasn't though very well of the consequences of her actions.

The reason i am saying all of this mimimy is because i believe that no one is responsable of your happiness but you. You said that your H hasn't made you happy in years, that is not his job, that is YOUR job.

Your M can be saved but it will take a lot of hard work, a lot of will and a lot of change, from both of you. He has a lot to change, he cannot treat you like he has been, he has to listen to you and be there for you, fullfill your emotional needs, but so do you.

Do you really think that there's someone out there that's going to make you happier?, it's a long shot. I'm begging you to take a long hard look at yourself and please do the work that requieres to heal yourself and your M. If after doing that and throwing everything but the kitchen sink you feel like it's not working, it's not bringing back any feelings and you still feel miserable, then well, thet you'll know that at least you gave it all. Your children deserve that oportunity, do it for them, at least try with all your heart. I wish someone had given this advice to my wife.

Good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Regretf said:


> Your children deserve that opportunity, do it for them, at least try with all your heart.


QFT. When you choose to have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more. 

Now, I'm not saying to stay no matter what your H does. I'm saying that, now that you have access to HELP, stay and try to implement things that can fix your marriage. And if your H goes right back to his old ways, then you'll be able to walk away with your head held high, and someday tell your children that you tried everything you could to keep THEIR lives intact. If you leave now, you'll always know it was because you cheated.

If you leave now just because you've gotten a taste for other men, it will be YOU that your kids blame. Not your H.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

turnera said:


> QFT. When you choose to have kids, you don't get to be selfish any more.
> 
> Now, I'm not saying to stay no matter what your H does. I'm saying that, now that you have access to HELP, stay and try to implement things that can fix your marriage. And if your H goes right back to his old ways, then you'll be able to walk away with your head held high, and someday tell your children that you tried everything you could to keep THEIR lives intact. If you leave now, you'll always know it was because you cheated.
> 
> If you leave now just because you've gotten a taste for other men, it will be YOU that your kids blame. Not your H.


You should talk to my wife Turnera.

I agree with what you are saying. Once you have children yo lose the right to be selfish, they come first.

You are not happy?, work on making yourself happy. Of course your H has a big part to play into the M and he should change, change a lot and work his &%S off to gain your trust and love back but mimimy you should be able to give him that chance.

It's better to regret something we did and to regret something we didn't do.


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

Tunera, regretf, cdbaker, Everything you guys makes perfect sense. Only today after reading your comments I asked him of he would go and talk to someone with me and he said no. But he still wants a chance. I am trying even tho I haven't said it it to him in so many words . I do and am trying to feel things for him but I suppose I do have a bit of fear of been hurt again and I really don't need that , Ive been hurt too much in the past that I really need to be strong for myself. I do love him with all my heart and wanted nothing more than for him to show me love and maybe tell me occasionally. I know we have been together a long time and all your advice will be taken onboard and I just hope that im not going in again with my eyes wide open...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I thought you said he's seen the light and will do what it takes to save the marriage? Now you say he won't go to a counselor?


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Mimimy, If he wants to save your marriage he should seek the help you are offering, MC. I would tell him that is non-negotiable. Either he goes with you and you guys pull in the effort together or then it's over.

Very difficult to heal/work things out by itself. You need all the expertise you can get.

Two things stand out in your last post to me:

You said you don't want to be hurt again. That is perfectly understandable, and 'am shure that's how my wife felt at the time. I believe with proper help and time you can take baby steps to try to trust him again, of course it depends a lot on his behaviour, he has to pull in the weight and be constant, not just change for the moment but EARN your trust Little by Little, baby steps.

The other, in your first post you said that "you don't love him anymore" but now in your last post 11 days later you say that "You love him with all your heart", it's confusing, do you love him or not?

Best of luck


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## mimimy (Feb 12, 2015)

Regretf.... I do love him and care for him im just not in love with him and I don't feel the way one should about their partner .He has pushed me away many times that im just pushed too far now. I wish him no harm and want him to be happy in life.I just wish that I could have felt that I was his happiness over the years.
Tunera... I even suggested couples counselling last year and he said no then. I do think he really realises what is happening but for some reason that's the one thing he wont do. And even tho sometimes when I look at him I do think what am I doing? I am destroying this mans life and then I think no , no im not he did this himself. But in saying that I cant help how I feel. And I cant help the fact that over the years he pushed and pushed me further away .
And guys this went on for years Im not just after having one or two chats and giving up really im not , and im not as cold hearted as I might be coming across.this is all over probably a 10 yr period. I don't walk away easily.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If he isn't willing to do the work mimimy then there's not much left for you.

Considering you seem near the end of your rope and STILL willing to entertain reconciliation you'd think he'd be onboard if he wanted it to work.

Is he aware of how far gone you are?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you haven't really been clear about what he IS willing to do. You say he wants you now, but not really what he's said about what he's willing to do.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

mimimy said:


> Cdbaker..... u so hit the nail on the head in your comments. That's exactly how things are. I am afraid that if I give him a chance within 6mts to 1 yr things will be the same again as he will get comfy. And as for hidden messages I was always outstraight with him , I told him exactly how it was and how I felt . I even asked him if it was a case that he just didn't love me anymore and was just use to me as were together so long. because his action were a clear indicator of that and it would have made more sense to me . But no he always said no ''I love you '' but his action said different which always left me feeling crap , but I got over it and would plod along til next time I felt not good about things and the same scenario would play out again, I confront him and end up feeling **** for days as he always got annoyed cause he didn't like those conversations, wopuldnt talk to me then come home poss 3 days later from work all happy cause hes ok now . Now we probably had these concersations 2 a year or less for the last 10 yrs or so but really 2 yrs ago I just thought ,,, not doing this anymore ... but in saying that im still here but its very hard , I cant imagine him not been around but at the same time I don't have any fight in me to try cause I just don't feel like im here right now .....do u get what im saying ?????


Sort of. It sounds like you have become just like what I described in my original post about how a lot of women feel after years of trying and failing to produce a positive change in their husband and marriage. It makes sense, so I'm not exactly blaming you here. You say that you've been pretty straight forward with him, but I still don't think you were direct enough with him, or he wouldn't be having the reaction you've described now. It seems that only now has he really had his wake up call and realization of what is at stake. If you had clearly told him what was at stake before, how close you were to file for divorce and walk away from him, and then followed through based on those words if necessary, I would think he would have responded before now.



mimimy said:


> Tunera, regretf, cdbaker, Everything you guys makes perfect sense. Only today after reading your comments I asked him of he would go and talk to someone with me and he said no. But he still wants a chance. I am trying even tho I haven't said it it to him in so many words . I do and am trying to feel things for him but I suppose I do have a bit of fear of been hurt again and I really don't need that , Ive been hurt too much in the past that I really need to be strong for myself. I do love him with all my heart and wanted nothing more than for him to show me love and maybe tell me occasionally. I know we have been together a long time and all your advice will be taken onboard and I just hope that im not going in again with my eyes wide open...





mimimy said:


> Regretf.... I do love him and care for him im just not in love with him and I don't feel the way one should about their partner .He has pushed me away many times that im just pushed too far now. I wish him no harm and want him to be happy in life.I just wish that I could have felt that I was his happiness over the years.
> Tunera... I even suggested couples counselling last year and he said no then. I do think he really realises what is happening but for some reason that's the one thing he wont do. And even tho sometimes when I look at him I do think what am I doing? I am destroying this mans life and then I think no , no im not he did this himself. But in saying that I cant help how I feel. And I cant help the fact that over the years he pushed and pushed me further away .
> And guys this went on for years Im not just after having one or two chats and giving up really im not , and im not as cold hearted as I might be coming across.this is all over probably a 10 yr period. I don't walk away easily.


I think Turnera and I are confused here. In your original posts you described a man who sounded like he was desperate to prove that he would be willing to do anything now to save the marriage. That sounds like a man who has had his wake-up call, and will genuinely be willing to agree to do just about anything you suggest. Then in the post above you mention that you asked him about going "talk to someone" with you (I assume this means a marriage counselor) and he said no? I think our question is, did you ask him this before his wake-up call or after? If you are just describing to us how he has said no to that question in the past, then that is sort of irrelevant now, because he should be far more agreeable now. In your latest post, you mentioned that you suggested couples counseling a year ago and he said no, so it makes me think you're describing a past conversation now. So my question is, have you asked him about counseling since his wake-up call?

If you're willing, you should be giving him strict conditions now if he is really willing to do whatever it takes to give the marriage a chance, and he should be willing to agree to them. For starters, that has to include a serious commitment to marriage counseling, I'd say once a week, and he's basically not allowed at this point to just decide that he doesn't agree with the counselor and walk away. In fact, it should be understood that "quitting" will mean divorce. Then add in any other terms you might have. Like no yelling or cursing at you, no sex for the foreseeable future, maybe a date night twice a month if you feel up to it, etc. Really the terms can be anything you need/want to see in him right now that wouldn't be unfair requests in an otherwise healthy relationship.

IF he really did say no to going to counseling with you since his wake-up call, then that would mean that we've misunderstood this situation from the start. Either he hasn't really had the wake-up call at all, or he did but has since decided he's not willing to put in the effort to save the marriage, and in either case, to me that would just mean it's time to move on. If you have effectively filed for divorce or hired a lawyer to get ready for one and that still isn't able to wake up him or make him want to save the marriage, then I don't think anything else will.


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