# Second Divorce -Feeling Broken



## ToothFairy

Hello everyone... I have been on this site since last year when my separation and divorce started. It was final last November and I am still having such a hard time moving my heart and emotions forward.

It was a second marriage for both of us and we got married after only 6 months of dating. Thought it was providential. We had both been single for 7 and 10 years. I was really ready and in a healthy place for a new relationship. What I didn't know until we were married was that I married a passive aggresive functioning alcoholic. So many hurtful things happened with my children, to me and I could go on and on. 

In the end I had to get divorced for my own emotional and financial welfare. It's not what i wanted though. I loved him so very much and still do. After our divorce we even tried again. A week after going our separate ways after mothers day he sent me a text telling me had met a woman, "she is wonderful", "life can change in an instant", "God is blessing him". I hate to admit it.... this arrow hits it's target. Even though I divorced him and know intellectually he is not good for me I am crying all the time and feel almost despondent. Its worse than when we actually divorced back in November. 

I have so much going for me with my family and my grown children, my job, my health. But still, the pain of the loss of this marriage kills me. I had so many hopes and dreams and he sucked me in fully with his charm and words. 

I know I am not the only person to ask this question.. How do you move on and get rid of this ache in your heart? I feel like such a failure to be divorced twice by age 44.


----------



## Vanton68

You shouldn't feel like a failure. You had the guts to divorce a man who was an alcoholic vs living in turmoil and trying to change someone who has an addiction. That shows that you are strong and brave!


----------



## Omego

I don't know your story, but it seems as though you responded quickly and efficiently to a potentially damaging situation. I know how it feels to divorce. The sense of failure and shame is overwhelming. You had to go through it twice, but from what you say, it was necessary. 

Your actions show courage and strength. You'll find someone else!


----------



## Mrlonelyhearts

He may be saying things are great and wonderful. However, what do you think she will go through when she (the woman he is with now) realizes she got with a "functioning alcoholic?" 

Many alcoholics are charming and can suck a person into their view of things. He will continue to do this. If he ever gets into recovery, he will have more things to work on as far as making amends go.

Taking care of yourself is not a failure!


----------



## SamuraiJack

Im sorry for your pain.
The idea of "being replaced" is probably rattling around in your head ad naseum. The only thing I could really tell you to help you feel better is that he probably knows this would hurt you and is exagerating the magnitude of this new love. 

You said he was passive agressive and this sounds like a perfect PA move.

You did what you needed to do.
You cant fault yourself for protecting yourself.

He will do what he is going to do. Nothing you can say will stop him from being a total jackass. He hid it very well from you...and thats the problem. 

He HID it from you.
Mourn the loss of your relationship and the envisioned future you had, but dont blame yourself for not seeing it.

I think the thing to ask yourself before you get into a new relationship is "Am I in this because I want to be with the PERSON, or do I want to be in a relationship?"

If I had a coffe cup for every time I misread someone, I would never have to do dishes...


----------



## Rowan

Unless your ex-husband has spent months in recovery and at least a couple years doing the hard work of setting himself and his life to rights, chances are that he's still exactly the same guy you divorced. Which means, sadly, that his new girlfriend is probably being swept away by the same great man you were. But, also sadly, she's eventually going to find herself with the same passive-aggressive addict that you did. Because as much as he's "moving on", and pulling that nasty P-A gloating bullsh!t that they do, he's still the man you divorced.


----------



## PBear

The person you should really be feeling sorry for is his new woman, as her life is about to go on the same roller coaster ride yours did. As far as he goes, block his number, and don't get in any conversations with him. 

And next time, don't marry someone you've only dated for 6 months. You may have been ready for a relationship, but you didn't know him. 

C


----------



## Dollystanford

My ex proclaimed to have found his soulmate about six weeks after we'd split. Lasted about a year

Then a wonderful woman who lasted three weeks

Now another one who is apparently fabulous and not crazy! But it's only a few weeks in

Some guys are just like this and your ex is passive aggressive too, he knows it will upset you. Be thankful you're out of it, she'll go through the same and wish she had the guts to get out


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Everyone is so right. You had gotten to a good place but no matter how perfect a relationship seems, you really need to take a year or two to see the person in many different situations before you truly understand them. 

I've read that you need at least a year with a person, and you need to go on vacation with them, you need to see them deal with a major stressful problem (a death, job loss, financial issue, etc.), you need to have at least ONE MAJOR argument (to see how they communicate and resolve/compromise) you need to meet family and friends several times to really get to know them (because they know HIM better than anyone) and you need to see a copy of their credit report (to avoid surprises).

And it makes a lot of sense b/c I rushed into my marriage and probably wouldn't have married had I taken this necessary time. You find out during that time if how you deal with stress, money, down time, etc. is compatible.

Your biggest problem was being hopeful.  And that is a lovely thing. Unfortunately he has found someone who appears to have accepted who they think he is, but not who he really is. Likely he'll rush this one to the alter as well. Or at least to move in. And it will probably blow up the same way unless she's an enabler, which she might be.

You did the right thing. Hurt will ease over time. Only he can change and it doesn't seem like he wants to.


----------



## Jellybeans

The fact that he met someone probably compounds your icky feelings. The fact is, he was an alcoholic and unless he got a lot of help, that probably has not changed. 

It is always difficult to see a partner we loved with someone new, especially when the wound is fresh. I sounds like he was talking about getting back together with you and then he started seeing this woman at the same time.

My advice is to cut contact with him so you can begin to move on. I am sorry this happened. You will get through this though.


----------



## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> *I've read that you need at least a year with a person*, and you need to go on vacation with them, you need to see them deal with a major stressful problem (a death, job loss, financial issue, etc.), you need to have at least ONE MAJOR argument (to see how they communicate and resolve/compromise) you need to meet family and friends several times to really get to know them


If that!


----------



## Dedicated2Her

Jellybeans said:


> If that!


Agreed. I'm 17 months in on mine, and we still are learning about each other and getting into the depths of each other's psyche. It takes time. I knew this one was good when we went on vacation for 4 days, and I wasn't sick of her. I usually have a tolerance of 3 days...period. Then....escape time.


----------



## SamuraiJack

My Ex announced that she was with some new guy pretty soon after our divorce was official.
We divorced on December 5th ( was kind hopin for the 7th...would have been symbolic! Hahaha!) and she was with this guy in February.
Knowing full well she hadnt really addressed any of her issues, I gave it six months. To her credit she lasted a year, but then he was offered a job in Texas...and was gone less than two weeks later.
It occurred to me that somebody who was in love with her would have stuck around for her despite a hard job. Not much of a bond that I can see there.

MY point? 
Well to share that you arent alone and to illustrate that people change ships very quickly sometimes.
Im sure his brain is being bathed in the new chemcials of the honeymoon period and all is total bliss with him...but he WILL crash and burn again as soon as it wears off.
Then he will hop on the next ship he see's.

This behavior is NOT a reflection of you or your worthiness or what you bring to the table.
It's a reflection of what he DOESNT bring to the table.

I hope you feel better. Despite the fact that you just joined the club of about 2 billion people who were lured in by people pretending to be something else...you seem like you handled yourself very well.

Good job.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Toothfairy, I have been through divorce twice as well. (three times, but the first two, I am the one who ended things) My second divorce was really hard on me emotionally, not only because I had loved him so much, but there was the added feeling of failure for it being my second time. I cried every single day for probably the first two months. I was so glad to be away from him, but at the same time, I was mourning the loss of the relationship. You have allowed yourself plenty of time to mourn, now its time to pull yourself up and move forward. When you find yourself wallowing over it, just tell your self "STOP!!" and refocus! You are SO much better off without this man in your life, so keep telling yourself that and concentrate on making everything else in your life better as well. You can do it!


----------



## ToothFairy

Thank you for all the replies everybody. It was very kind and actually brought tears.. well, more tears to my eyes. Today he texted me and said I hope we can be friends. He said his "girlfriend is amazing, she doesn't drink", "Isn't that wonderful?" and that he hasn't had a drink in 6 weeks. 

As if she is such a wonderful influence and because I drank wine I somehow contributed to his failures. 

I just said congratulations that's good. I do feel sorry for her. Its obvious she is a rebound because he also said he will always love me, "but that we just weren't right for each other".

I know I need to stop all contact and not answer his messages. He is supposedly in therapy and is now turning into the man of my dreams. Apparently I wasn't patient and didn't love him unconditionally, or "accept him for who he is".

Is it possible that our divorce has been the catalyst for change and now this new wonderful woman reaps the benefit of all my pain and suffering for the last 3 years?


----------



## 3Xnocharm

ToothFairy said:


> Thank you for all the replies everybody. It was very kind and actually brought tears.. well, more tears to my eyes. Today he texted me and said I hope we can be friends. He said his "girlfriend is amazing, she doesn't drink", "Isn't that wonderful?" and that he hasn't had a drink in 6 weeks.
> 
> As if she is such a wonderful influence and because I drank wine I somehow contributed to his failures.
> 
> I just said congratulations that's good. I do feel sorry for her. Its obvious she is a rebound because he also said he will always love me, "but that we just weren't right for each other".
> 
> *I know I need to stop all contact and not answer his messages. He is supposedly in therapy and is now turning into the man of my dreams. Apparently I wasn't patient and didn't love him unconditionally, or "accept him for who he is".
> 
> Is it possible that our divorce has been the catalyst for change and now this new wonderful woman reaps the benefit of all my pain and suffering for the last 3 years?*


Its all smoke and mirrors, it isnt real. Once his new relationship fog lifts, he will go right back to how he was. Dont give her so much credit, its all fake.

Oh, and for God's sake, STOP TALKING TO HIM!! You will never heal that way!


----------



## ToothFairy

Ok. Ok... 3XNocharm. You made me laugh with your last statement. I know I need to do that to heal. He actually told me he hopes I meet someone wonderful so I will heal. 

I am not interested in finding someone "wonderful" just to fill the gaping hole left from this divorce. Surely he must realize that bragging about his new woman isn't going to help me heal if that's his real motive. 

Anyway... I have done everything I think I can do to try to move forward. Blocked all facebook access, put away all reminders of our marriage, attempted forgiveness in my heart for this 3 year detour to hades. Now time to stop engaging him through text. I honestly do not know if I can be his friend. Maybe some day but not anytime soon.


----------



## JWTBL

Tooth fairy, I just want to say my heart goes out to you. I too was married to a passive aggressive person, who also said he loved me, but that we just aren't right for each other, yet still texts out of the blue about random things. It's hard to move on when they do this, but hard to ignore them too, for some reason. Best wishes!


----------



## TheGoodGuy

Don't feel bad for twice divorced at 44. I'm twice divorced at 33! Everyone has given you very good advice. I've also heard that you (and I) need to date someone for at least 1 full year to really get to know someone. I also married my second wife too soon, after about 9 months though.


----------



## ToothFairy

Good guy.. you have me beat thank you.  anyway.. For sure I took a risk in love and it didn't pan out. I should have dated him for at least a year. If he had been just my boyfriend I would have broken up with him within the first year! 

I don't feel like dating or meeting people. But, is there anything wrong with going out on "dates" just for fun and with no intention of making a love connection. Knowing I am not ready to have a romantic relationship with somebody. Would it be considered leading someone on or "rebound" dating to do so? I feel like it would be a pleasant distraction maybe but know in my heart I don't want get romantic with anyone. What if it was under the meeting "new friends" only category?


----------



## Paradise

ToothFairy said:


> Thank you for all the replies everybody. It was very kind and actually brought tears.. well, more tears to my eyes. Today he texted me and said I hope we can be friends. He said his "girlfriend is amazing, she doesn't drink", "Isn't that wonderful?" and that he hasn't had a drink in 6 weeks.
> 
> As if she is such a wonderful influence and because I drank wine I somehow contributed to his failures.
> 
> I just said congratulations that's good. I do feel sorry for her. Its obvious she is a rebound because he also said he will always love me, "but that we just weren't right for each other".
> 
> I know I need to stop all contact and not answer his messages. He is supposedly in therapy and is now turning into the man of my dreams. Apparently I wasn't patient and didn't love him unconditionally, or "accept him for who he is".
> 
> *Is it possible that our divorce has been the catalyst for change and now this new wonderful woman reaps the benefit of all my pain and suffering for the last 3 years?*


So what if it is? You are looking at it wrong. If this was the catalyst for him making the change then that reflects well on you. 

But...you don't have to care anymore about that. Why are you listening to anything he says, anyway? Seriously, most people lie like crazy. He's not going to tell you anything important. Reminds me of facebook. People post their wonderful lives and that is what you get to see. 

Now your challenge is you and making your life awesome. Not to prove anything to him nor anyone else. What does the tooth fairy want out of life?


----------



## ToothFairy

Thank you Paradise. You are very right. I know all this in my head. I am just wishing with all my might I could fast forward my heart into complete healing.

I know from my communications with him over our history that he will always try to reconnect. I just cannot indulge him. 

As far as what I want..? I want to rewind and get back to the place I was financially, emotionally and physically before I ever met him 3 years ago. That will take a long time I think.

I have a new place in a city I love with family close by. I just don't feel like making new friends right now. However, I did join a group divorce therapy session once a week. I stumbled upon it while searching for some IC in my area. It was very good and I really liked the group aspect of it all. 

There is so much damage and pain in relationships - I am not unique or alone on this. I am so thankful for my sons. They are 22 and 19 and so put together and fun. They love me and are a great distraction from all of this.


----------



## SamuraiJack

ToothFairy said:


> Ok. Ok... 3XNocharm. You made me laugh with your last statement. I know I need to do that to heal. He actually told me he hopes I meet someone wonderful so I will heal.
> 
> I am not interested in finding someone "wonderful" just to fill the gaping hole left from this divorce. Surely he must realize that bragging about his new woman isn't going to help me heal if that's his real motive.
> 
> Anyway... I have done everything I think I can do to try to move forward. Blocked all facebook access, put away all reminders of our marriage, attempted forgiveness in my heart for this 3 year detour to hades. Now time to stop engaging him through text. I honestly do not know if I can be his friend. Maybe some day but not anytime soon.





> He actually told me he hopes I meet someone wonderful so I will heal.


This statement right here is the key to understanding him. HE uses people like pacifiers. He isnt interested in healing himself. He expects other people to do it for him. No wonder he tries to bame you for his shortfalls!
In his mind there arent any shortfalls that belong to him...just other people.

People llike this are tough to deal with because of their cluelessness. 

Block him in every way and just let him fade away.


----------



## Jellybeans

ToothFairy said:


> But, is there anything wrong with going out on "dates" just for fun and with no intention of making a love connection. Knowing I am not ready to have a romantic relationship with somebody. Would it be considered leading someone on or "rebound" dating to do so?


Maybe you could join some meetup groups. Meetup.com I think it is. Also, I would be mindful that if you do date, you tell the people straight up that you are NOT looking for anything long-term/serious. That you just want casual dating. Just be careful as they may think that just means casual sex (but hey if that is what you want, then go for it--just use condoms).


----------



## Stretch

As others have mentioned and taken to another level,

Get a new phone number
Get a new email address
Get a new FB account

It is about time he took some responsibility for being a bad husband instead of trying to show you that you made a mistake. Which you did not!


----------



## indiecat

It's a normal reaction to have. Hearing how 'wonderful' his new mate is has to be painful. I think he must be a shallow person to brag about it to you.


----------

