# Emotional Affair or am I overreacting?



## elenor (Aug 15, 2011)

I am sorry for such a long post. Just wanted to put out my confusion/frustration and get some advice. Early last year I found out that my husband of 20 years was emotionally involved with a married co-worker. He admitted to having a temporary crush on her, but that it was over. I know that my husband has continued to be friends with the women I mentioned before, which was okay with me. Around March he himself came and told me that he confessed to the women that he had had a crush on her but now he is past it and he would like to just continue to good friends. That confused me. Why bring it up at all, if he is past it? Apparently it was to "make the matters end from his side". Whenever he is town on a weekday (quite rare), he has been rushing off to office at times with some sudden excuses...now I find that it is to be able to see her...based on her work schedule. He could have just told me that he was going to office to meet her, instead of some lame excuses. Finally I got desperate and peeped into his skype chats with her (which are numerous) and in the last one he was begging her to give him some face-to-face time, at any terms that worked for her. The chats are peppered with all the phrases of gentle endearment that uses for me! 
One thing I gathered while perusing the chats is that for last few months the woman says she has something to talk to him, but it has to be face to face. My husband is 90% of the time on travel. Those rare weekday when he is in town, he is doing his sudden rushing off to office based on her sms, and the face to face meeting still seems to be pending! 
I am certainly going to have a talk with him when he gets back in town. Drastic steps as separating I am unwilling to consider now, since that will seriously disrupt the lives of our two children, but this strange subterfuge/undercurrent is creating mental havoc for me. In all ways, we seem to have a very healthy relationship, then why the need for this?
Am I overreacting, being too possessive or jealous if the relationship is not physical? Sorry for the long post.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

It raises a lot of red flagsand you have a right to be suspicious. There is no reason in a marriage for your husband to share time and especially emotional intimacy with another woman. A desire to see her tends to point to something physical having happened before and she is distancing herself. Have you checked his phone records?


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## elenor (Aug 15, 2011)

Thank you for your post 8yearscheating. First, the face to face meeting seems to be her insistence. Apparently she has something to say that can't be done over phone, or skype. etc. My husband is hankering to know what this is and so it goes on. His phone has password, but I know that he is running to office whenever she is sms'ing and then she apparently not in a position to have that talk! 

The fact is once around Feb. when I confronted him, he made it sound like my fault. I was so angry I was getting ready to walk out right then. He then ended up becoming ill. Said later he had never seen or imagined me to so angry. He literally begged me on his knees to forgive him, and he was sorry for putting me thru it. I believed that he was really sorry. And then he tells me in around May that he has gone and told her about his "once upon a time" crush, to supposedly end it from his side, And now this! We are at point that he is moving to a new job, and we are supposed to be moving to a different country in mater of weeks. And he is writing to her that he will delay his move to meet her convenience to make that face to face meeting happen! I just don't know what to believe any more.

His take was that she is someone he "cares deeply about" (said it to her several times in the chats over last few months) and is trying to be there for her in her personal difficulties. Even if I am to blindly accept that, why the secrecy? Why not just tell me that he is off to meet her at the office?
In fact what makes it so confusing is that our relationship is great to all appearence. We joke around, don't have big arguements, have sex often... He repeatedly thanks me for being a part of his life, how much I mean to him, etc. He does say quite often that -- I am too negative minded (glass half empty kind...) and need to start being more positive.-- I am trying to be positive, cheerful, etc. but with this constantly on my mind, it gets hard. I am not the prying kind, and it is already weighing on me that I sneaked into his skype. Not sure what prompted me to do that suddenly??


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Text book EA stuff. That sounds so much like me and my EA. I had a wonderful marriage and a great wife but I still fell to a facebook request from an old high school flame I hadn't seen in over 20 years. There is only one reason to keep a secret from your spouse - you know they won't like what you are hiding. The mantra here is NO CONTACT. He has to break contact with the OW - period. I'm sorry he cares about her but if he cares about you and wants to be married to you this is the way it has to be. That face to face should never be allowed to happen - never. Affairs are very difficult to kill and it's hard to get the wayward spouse out if they aren't willing to go, there's lot's of info on how to do that here. If he is willing he must take ownership of what he's done - which is have an affair. He can maintain no excuses, he can't tell you it's your fault in any way. He must give you complete transparency and access into everything in his life, email, phone, social media, skype - everything. He must give you the full and complete truth - the first time - no trickle truth. These are the first steps to reconciliation but they can only begin once he wants to be out of the affair. You will have to check on him, don't think of it as snooping, think if it as inspecting what you expect. The good news is marriages can survive and even be better after something like this (mine did and is), but the affair must end for that to happen and it won't end without your intervention and his commitment to you.


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## elenor (Aug 15, 2011)

thanks for your post sigma1299. I take heart from it. I know that my husband likes attention, and he knows I am willing to let him be...then why the secrecy? He is close touch with his ex gf (after 20+ years) thanks to her fb request. Now they are "best of pals" and have long fb chats often. But when he starts thanking her for being part of his wonderful yesterdays, ("and what wonderful ones they were") and to continued future friendship, it makes me jittery. Then he also has this OW! Will he ever stop it, and stop making it look like my "negative-thinking?"


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

elenor said:


> thanks for your post sigma1299. I take heart from it. I know that my husband likes attention, and he knows I am willing to let him be...then why the secrecy? He is close touch with his ex gf (after 20+ years) thanks to her fb request. Now they are "best of pals" and have long fb chats often. But when he starts thanking her for being part of his wonderful yesterdays, ("and what wonderful ones they were") and to continued future friendship, it makes me jittery. Then he also has this OW! Will he ever stop it, and stop *making it look like my "negative-thinking?*"


Again this is text book - it's called gas lighting and it's basically trying to make you think you're crazy, wrong, or unjustified in your suspicions and reaction to his female friends. It's simply a way to keep you from busting the affair(s). He will continue to cake eat (have his cake and eat it to - have inappropriate relationships with other women while maintaining his marriage with you) as long as you let him. I know it's hard to wrap your head around but he is effectively like a drug addict right now and his drug is the feelings he gets from the OW. 

Intimacy is key to a successful marriage and secrecy is the antithesis of intimacy and therefore the sworn enemy of a successful marriage. You're going to have to confront him and see what happens. If he is committed and willingly gives you the things necessary for reconciliation then you can go forward if that is what you want after you hear just how deeply he has been involved with these OW. If he isn't committed and/or won't voluntarily give you the necessary things you will have to make him choose; as I was a wayward who left my EA voluntarily there are others here more experienced and knowledgeable on how to do that and I will defer to them.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

WhenI asid check the phone records, I meant the record of calls and data (texts) on line for the cell phone company. If you see numbers repeating themselves frequently you know that is probably her - especially at off hours. You can usually go back up to a year. Snooping feels strange until you find something. Again, don't be blind - you have concerns and there are red flags all over the place. WHether it is only emotional or not makes no difference - it is an affair and adultery. Him getting angry about you checking is blame shifting and usually done to throw you off balance and stop you from checking further. THERE IS NO LEGITIMATE REASON FOR HIS CONTACT WITH HER. He may be trying tos et up this meeting to make it physical. Why don't you ask him if you can go? Ask him if you can see all fo the texts and emails he has sent so you cna help her too? I guarantee you he will say no which means he ahs something to hide and knows you will be upset if he does.
CHeck - put a key logger on the computer. Sign into the cell phone company website and print off all the call and data usage that lists the numbers. If you know someone who si a computer geek, they can get the info and sort it by number and how many to each number.


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## elenor (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks so much for all your support and listening to me. I have to wait at least till this weekend to talk to him. All this wait is really maddening, but I am also hoping that this will give me enough time to gather my thoughts and have a calm, rational conversation with him, without any histrionics. I really don't believe in divorce, and am willing to do whatever is needed from my side, as the cliche goes, it needs two hand to clap!


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