# repairing my marriage is like climbing everest



## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Lately I have been thinking it would be easier to end it then repair it. My wife of ten years just can't seem to find the fight to do what's best for our marriage. I have listened to everything she has told me over the past 6 years and taken corrective measures to ensure they will not happen again. i have made changes in myself to become a better person, husband and farther. We are on our third MC in 4 years. I love my wife very much and want very to have a happy marriage. My biggest issue's are her taking responsibilty for her contributions to our failing marriage. She tells me and our MC she wants to fix the marriage. Once we leave the MC it is as if she quits working on it until next weeks MC. below are my concerns.

1) Once kids came into the picture she became a mother and quit being a wife. She has even stated in a MC she prefers to be a mother only.

2) 18 months ago she revealed to me she had been date raped 5 years before meeting me. I was the first person she ever told that to. I was understanding and consoling. We broke from MC for 4 months so she could PC the issue. She said she was feeling better about the incidident and wanted to stop PC. We had sex a couple times (8 months after confiding in me). That was nine months ago. She has recently told me the thought of sex repulses her. She cannot even have a conversation about it without closing up and getting mad. FYI I have not pushed her or asked for sex. it is so bad now I cannot touch or kiss her. I can get a hug if I initiate it.

3) She does not share her feelings. Ask how I am feeling. Any coversation on an intimate level and she becomes defensive and angry.

To wrap it up I'll close by saying our newest MC seems to have her opening up a bit more but I am just out of patience with her. I am a kind caring person who meets her emotial needs. Provide very well for the family. Masculine and confident. Easy on the eyes and have been faithful to her. It frustrates me to no end she will not work harder to fix things that only she can. I do not want to abandonded her but having am hard time finding the strengh to keep up the fight. Please provide some encourgement and advice.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

What does your wife say? Is she trying in her mind? Does she eventually want to like sex with you? Does she want to stay married? Does she love you?

Be your wife for a moment and give her side based on what she said to you or the counselors already.

Once we have her side... we might be able to help you. Thanks.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> What does your wife say? Is she trying in her mind? Does she eventually want to like sex with you? Does she want to stay married? Does she love you?
> 
> Be your wife for a moment and give her side based on what she said to you or the counselors already.
> 
> Once we have her side... we might be able to help you. Thanks.


Yes, she feels she is trying in her mind.

Yes, she would like a sex lif again.

Yes, she wants to stayed married.

Yes, she loves me.

My frustration is it's mostly words with little action. IE, I have brought home three good books on marriage and self healing. I asked her if she could read one as will I and we could discuss what we read. I have read all three. She never picked them up. I then reread them and tagged the sections of each book that I felt applied to our situation. Never picked them up. She has plenty time for farmville and none for repairing the marriage. Tomorrow I am returning the books to the library. (overdue).


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lpad said:


> Yes, she feels she is trying in her mind.
> 
> Yes, she would like a sex lif again.
> 
> ...


I think you should do what I did and BACK OFF with a detailed explanation.

You should accept that she just doesn't feel it right now...with time and space perhaps her feelings will return. Ditch the counselors they aren't working obviously.

What i did in essence was "Put the ball in my wife's court" I explained "I am not acceptable to a sexless marriage" that I am done trying to fix HER. That she is responsible for fixing herself. I told her to pick a date in the future and if she cannot fall back in love with me along with a healthy normal sex life then she MUST divorce me. Otherwise its cruel punishment to me so do me the honor and we will end this marriage as good friends.

I told her if she doesn't that I will eventually totally disconnect from her and we will waste some of the best years of our lives. I told her all I am fixing at this point is me. Also that I am all-in with whatever path she chooses for us. I thanked her for the wonderful years we had together and that I hoped we would have many more.

It's working with my wife... I have been working hard trying to recover intimacy for two years by fixing her (I was the issue..so are you). They need space and they need a goal. ACCEPT HER WORDS AS GOLD... you dont have to agree but you do have to ACCEPT them as fact.

Give your wife a chance to fix herself. On her own... no counselors, no demands etc.
Let her come back to you. 

Start courting your wife again and DO NOT MENTION SEX. Let what you explained sit with her. Try your best to find other things you love about your wife. Touch her non-sexually. Tell her for now you will attempt sex once per week all other days will be non-sexual.

It's the constant "you must be broken" that is keeping her from healing... STOP IT.
Don't give her books..don't help her in fixing herself. That's HER job!

It sucks but be patient and understanding... this is part of "In sickness and in health" suck it up.

You have to DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT... six years is a LONG time to be spinning your wheels!


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

I've been backed off. I have told her what need in in marriage and a spouse. What may be odd to some is we get along great as friends and seldom fight. I have informed her I did not get married to have a good friend only. I need a partner, freind and lover. Thats' how it started and how intend it to be. 

Sometimes i think i am not patient enough with her but she herself has said if it were not for my efforts we would likly be divorced. She has also stated she knows most men would have left by now. i wish she would start carrying more of the load.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

lpad said:


> I've been backed off. I have told her what need in in marriage and a spouse. What may be odd to some is we get along great as friends and seldom fight. I have informed her I did not get married to have a good friend only. I need a partner, freind and lover. Thats' how it started and how intend it to be.
> 
> Sometimes i think i am not patient enough with her but she herself has said if it were not for my efforts we would likly be divorced. She has also stated she knows most men would have left by now. i wish she would start carrying more of the load.


She HEARD you.... you haven't truly backed off you keep reminding her after a while.... put the ownness on her to fix herself. Stop talking about it. SHE HEARD YOU! She is not DEAF.

You are not patient enough... do something different.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Give yourself a firm deadline beyond which you will no longer tolerate this. If she is working on it and improving by the deadline, hang in. If not, cut your losses.
Once I had a firm date in mind, I could sleep, knowing that I would not be in a loveless relationship forever, one way or another.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

lpad said:


> I've been backed off. I have told her what need in in marriage and a spouse. What may be odd to some is we get along great as friends and seldom fight. I have informed her I did not get married to have a good friend only. I need a partner, freind and lover. Thats' how it started and how intend it to be.
> 
> Sometimes i think i am not patient enough with her but she herself has said if it were not for my efforts we would likly be divorced. She has also stated she knows most men would have left by now. i wish she would start carrying more of the load.


From a woman's point of view...

Firstly I am sorry that you are having a difficult time. 

Some points the other men made I do agree with, some I don't from my female perspective.

I do agree that you cannot fix your wife and her issues. Do not force a fix upon her... its speaking to her that you think she is broken and in such a disposible world, she would perceive the same.

Through MC, she has pointed out her issues with you, and those that you have agreed with, and you have begun to change your behaviours to be a better man. Kudos to you, however don't expect that she's gonna be all believing that what you have changed is going to be permenant. This is going to take time for her to truly believe and trust that your change is going to be a lifetime. So just because you have changed... you must allow her time to make her a believer of your changes after 10 years of bad habits.

Your intamcy issues... like you mentioned you wanted in a spouse to be a partner, friend and lover. How much time and effort are you putting into being the emotional lover?? You need to be an emotional lover before the physical can ever happen. Have you swept her off her feet recently? I think, by her response, that you are still not meeting her emotional needs. 

I do not believe that you completely understand and comprehend the magnitude of the emotional trauma she went through. I don't believe that she is complete in her healing, and more IC would be well worth it for her. But that is her choice. I do believe that her greatest obstacle right now is fear facing the healing process... it cuts to the core of her self entity. It is far worse pain... I would have rather have all my bones broken in my body that go through emotional trauma. If you cannot be by her side through this healing process because of your need for sex by setting a deadline, then either you stand by that date, and divorce her. There is no time limits set on the healing process. That is like saying that on Dec 12 2012 its gonna be 110F outside in your backyard for certainty. 

Either you stand by her for better or worse or bail...

just my two cents..


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

It is a tough call. But, you sound like you have been a very good husband. And, you deserve to be happy. I am not advocating bailing if she is showing a willingnes to work on things.
Men need emotional closeness as well as phsyical. Men need their wives to be communicative and emotionally available. She has not provided this as of yet.
It's up to you how much lonlieness you can take.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> From a woman's point of view...
> 
> Firstly I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.
> 
> ...


Interesting point about facing the healing process... can you explain that a little more please... what new emotional trauma would that cause? How long does it take to heal?

My wife has been healing for 2 years, his for 6 how long?

I know my wife had to go through "emotional trauma" what does it take for her to pull out of it? Is it just time? Or does something have to trigger it?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> I do believe that her greatest obstacle right now is fear facing the healing process... it cuts to the core of her self entity. It is far worse pain...


That is 100% correct in my opinion.

My wife is a sex abuse victim. I have done a lot of reading on the topic of abuse/assault recovery, plus experienced the fallout in my own marriage.

Wander over to the forums at aftersilence dot org. You have to sign up to get access to the private forums, one of which is for "Secondary Survivors". That's what you are, a secondary survivor to your wife's assault.

Your wife is avoiding truly dealing with her rape. She bottles it up, she compartmentalizes it, she has various coping mechanisms and distractions. But she doesn't sound like she has truly tackled it. Once she does, it may get worse at times before it gets better. That process is something like 1 to 5 years as a vague generalization.

The problem is how do you balance being a supportive loving husband vs pushing her hard enough so she feels a need to seek a real solution. Every husband of an abuse/assault survivor wrestles with that one.

And then there is your own life to live. You have the right to a happy life. You are not obligated to sacrifice your life to your wife's assault. Especially so if she is not willing to really work hard at confronting her issues.

One very good book you might want to read is "Haunted Marriage". Very little exists as a resource for secondary survivors. Haunted Marriage is the only book I know of which is directed at secondaries. It will give you some perspective on what your wife is facing.

You two need to have a serious talk about her assault and how it may be affecting her now. She may not have a healthy perspective or a rational thought process about it, but it would be enlightening for you to hear what she has to say. You also need to be able to talk about how it affects your relationship.

You don't need to know any details of the rape itself, and she may not be willing to tell you anything. Your job is to never tell her that you don't believe her. And never belittle her emotional side effects. She probably feels shamed, embarrassed, unsafe, and maybe some other things. She can't just "get over it", so don't ever go down that road either!

What you should be saying is that you love her, she is beautiful, you in no way blame her for her rape, and you don't find her less attractive or desirable because of her rape. She probably fears losing you or fears what people will think about her if they know about the rape.

Part of the process is for her to learn not to associate loving sex within the marriage with her violent assault. The reason she has trouble with sex is she is linking the two. When she does have sex with you she may seem very absent or cold. If so she is withdrawing inside her head as a defense mechanism. Again, she is equating marital sex with her rape experience.

She needs competent professional therapy to deal with this. You need some support, too. AfterSilence is one source. A local group may exist, and you should consider the occasional counseling session with her counselor.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Having read your story I would think that the rape is only an excuse. She managed it seems before she had children. Your counselor like most is not doing a good job. She has to be strict with your wife and if she, not you tells her to read a book she has to do it.
Does your wife give you a reason why she didnt read it.
Is perhaps your wife really trying to punish you for something. Or did it start out that way and somehow never got back.
Dont talk about sex. In a sense just do it. (with her permission of course). You get along well and dont fight it seems you have nothing to fight about or you are not the fighting type. Sometimes a good fight can clear the air. I wouldnt give up yet.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

lpad said:


> I've been backed off. I have told her what need in in marriage and a spouse. What may be odd to some is we get along great as friends and seldom fight. I have informed her I did not get married to have a good friend only. I need a partner, freind and lover. Thats' how it started and how intend it to be.
> 
> Sometimes i think i am not patient enough with her but she herself has said if it were not for my efforts we would likly be divorced. She has also stated she knows most men would have left by now. i wish she would start carrying more of the load.


Boy can I relate. If not for me we would be divorced right now. My WAW actions are just about zilch. She promises over and over that she will try and then she doesn't. Actions speak louder than words.

I keep telling myself to be patient, but I can't help but think I am just being played. It may be internal confusion, but the uncertainty of the future is painful.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

accept said:


> Having read your story I would think that the rape is only an excuse. She managed it seems before she had children. Your counselor like most is not doing a good job. She has to be strict with your wife and if she, not you tells her to read a book she has to do it.


Sex abuse/assault victims frequently cope adequately for a while before things boil over. One trigger which seems to be common is when the woman has a baby. Her maternal protective instincts multiply the fears and insecurities from the abuse/assault. She then starts getting the nightmares or flashbacks.

Abuse and assault survivors do have PTSD. Delayed crisis is not uncommon if they have not been through good therapy.

As to the counselor, I agree with you it doesn't sound like the wife's feet are being held to the fire for one reason or another.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Interesting point about facing the healing process... can you explain that a little more please... what new emotional trauma would that cause? How long does it take to heal?
> 
> My wife has been healing for 2 years, his for 6 how long?
> 
> I know my wife had to go through "emotional trauma" what does it take for her to pull out of it? Is it just time? Or does something have to trigger it?


I think Thor has covered the topic very well from his own personal experience.

Not to go through my own crisis, the key element that I am working on is rebuilding the emotional TRUST with my H. I've got 20+ years of bottling, compartmentalizing, and distractions to fight through. My H lost my emotional trust 7 years ago... through his and mine IC and our MC... the trust is not going to be immediately won overnight. In the OP's case, in her date rape situation, she trusted her date, and it insstead she was raped. That transferred to her marriage, once the marriage started to run into problems, the emotional trust goes out the window.... again. Whether she will work to do her part in the rebuilding process is a great act of strength and courage. The fear of letting her heart be believing and vunerable again is strong. It is a matter of patience and understanding on the part of the husband... and OBSERVANT! Open your eyes and learn and understand your wife. As another member of this forum has in their signature line that rings so true... "If you didn't see it coming.. you weren't paying attention." As to a time frame... the grieving, healing, and renewal process does not have a time line. And what I have learnt from my IC... it is NOT linear in process... its a rollercoaster ride and has many 2 steps back..1 step forward... 

Of course it is not fair (when has life ever been fair???)that the OP has to go through this as he didn't know of her past... but it has become a part of the marriage and it is his choice if he has the strength to go through this with his wife. 

I am curious to the male mind of the role of sex being the ultimate expression of love towards his wife... is that the be all and end all? Is there not any other form of expression of love that is equatable...that hold as much strength as sex? As I read through the myraid and numerous posts dealing with men and sex in marriage.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> I think Thor has covered the topic very well from his own personal experience.
> 
> Not to go through my own crisis, the key element that I am working on is rebuilding the emotional TRUST with my H. I've got 20+ years of bottling, compartmentalizing, and distractions to fight through. My H lost my emotional trust 7 years ago... through his and mine IC and our MC... the trust is not going to be immediately won overnight. In the OP's case, in her date rape situation, she trusted her date, and it insstead she was raped. That transferred to her marriage, once the marriage started to run into problems, the emotional trust goes out the window.... again. Whether she will work to do her part in the rebuilding process is a great act of strength and courage. The fear of letting her heart be believing and vunerable again is strong. It is a matter of patience and understanding on the part of the husband... and OBSERVANT! Open your eyes and learn and understand your wife. As another member of this forum has in their signature line that rings so true... "If you didn't see it coming.. you weren't paying attention." As to a time frame... the grieving, healing, and renewal process does not have a time line. And what I have learnt from my IC... it is NOT linear in process... its a rollercoaster ride and has many 2 steps back..1 step forward...
> 
> ...


Of course sex is not the only way to show love... I think why us men are so into sex is that there is simply no replacement for it. While married you are bound to your spouse. I like women and want to share intimacy with my wife. 

So in short... there is no other expression of love that's equitable in terms of a male mind. 

I love doing things for my wife, I love surprising her, I love seeing her smile and laugh. I love complimenting her so all of these are ways I express love for her. However when sex is missing everything else is affected. It boils down to the expectation of being married for myself. Sex is supposed to be there. That's the issue.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Of course sex is not the only way to show love... I think why us men are so into sex is that there is simply no replacement for it. While married you are bound to your spouse. I like women and want to share intimacy with my wife.
> 
> So in short... there is no other expression of love that's equitable in terms of a male mind.
> 
> I love doing things for my wife, I love surprising her, I love seeing her smile and laugh. I love complimenting her so all of these are ways I express love for her. However when sex is missing everything else is affected. It boils down to the expectation of being married for myself. Sex is supposed to be there. That's the issue.


Thank you for your input... I do appreciate it. I can understand how it is difficult for a man to find an equitable expression. If the scenerio came to be that your wife became physically incapable to have sex, say she became a quadrapalegic. Would your expectation be the same? Would your love for her be diminished? I know it can be challenging, but emotional and psychological trauma can be just as serious as physical trauma. And sometimes there is no cure, no healing. And this scenerio, of course, is applicable to either spouse. It comes down to how does one love their spouse? Does the love surpass all... even sex? Can the spouse rise above their physical need for sex? 

For myself... I have learnt that I can voice my hopes, wants and needs, but in no way can I ever expect that they can be met. This not only applies to marriage, but any aspect of life. A true spouse,... loving, caring, understanding,... is an amazing gift.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> From a woman's point of view...
> 
> Firstly I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.
> 
> ...


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> From a woman's point of view...
> 
> Firstly I am sorry that you are having a difficult time.
> 
> ...





Thor said:


> That is 100% correct in my opinion.
> 
> My wife is a sex abuse victim. I have done a lot of reading on the topic of abuse/assault recovery, plus experienced the fallout in my own marriage.
> 
> ...




Thor. I believe you have it the mark. With your post.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

accept said:


> Having read your story I would think that the rape is only an excuse. She managed it seems before she had children. Your counselor like most is not doing a good job. She has to be strict with your wife and if she, not you tells her to read a book she has to do it.
> Does your wife give you a reason why she didnt read it.
> Is perhaps your wife really trying to punish you for something. Or did it start out that way and somehow never got back.
> Dont talk about sex. In a sense just do it. (with her permission of course). You get along well and dont fight it seems you have nothing to fight about or you are not the fighting type. Sometimes a good fight can clear the air. I wouldnt give up yet.


I did not tell her to read the book. I made a suggestion and said she does not have to. I asked to please let me know if she will or will not since it is overdue. She said nothing. So rather than ask her what she chose I returned the book. She even saw me go out the door with it this morning and said nothing.


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## lpad (Nov 8, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> I am curious to the male mind of the role of sex being the ultimate expression of love towards his wife... is that the be all and end all? Is there not any other form of expression of love that is equatable...that hold as much strength as sex? As I read through the myraid and numerous posts dealing with men and sex in marriage.


Speaking for myself there was a time where I considered sex ultimate expression of love. I wrongly used it as a gauge for the state of the union. As the kisses, hugs, compliments and engaged conversations waned. I relized I do need more emotionaly than sex.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

RoseRed said:


> Thank you for your input... I do appreciate it. I can understand how it is difficult for a man to find an equitable expression. If the scenerio came to be that your wife became physically incapable to have sex, say she became a quadrapalegic. Would your expectation be the same? Would your love for her be diminished? I know it can be challenging, but emotional and psychological trauma can be just as serious as physical trauma. And sometimes there is no cure, no healing. And this scenerio, of course, is applicable to either spouse. It comes down to how does one love their spouse? Does the love surpass all... even sex? Can the spouse rise above their physical need for sex?
> 
> For myself... I have learnt that I can voice my hopes, wants and needs, but in no way can I ever expect that they can be met. This not only applies to marriage, but any aspect of life. A true spouse,... loving, caring, understanding,... is an amazing gift.


Thanks for that angle... of course if it were physical I would not abandon her. I guess I never equated emotional trauma on the same level. I'm glad you posted tht it gives me greater perspective.

I have risen above my "need' for sex but I certainly do miss it and can't wait until it comes back! It's hard.


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Thanks for that angle... of course if it were physical I would not abandon her. I guess I never equated emotional trauma on the same level. I'm glad you posted tht it gives me greater perspective.
> 
> I have risen above my "need' for sex but I certainly do miss it and can't wait until it comes back! It's hard.


It is heartwarming to note there are noble men upon this earth.

As I mentioned before... I would have gladly had every bone in my body broken than go through what I am now. It would be a helluva lot easier to handle a couple of months in a body cast and a year or so of physiotherapy! Physical pain is easy to handle... 

I wish all of your well in your journeys...


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