# Any success or failure story after reconciliation?



## baba1234

I would love to hear some success story and/or failure after reconciliation. I like to see if it is even possible. I have been divorced for 2.5 years. We have two wonderful kids that I adore. We had a really terrible and unstable marriage for 7 years (no cheating). 
ex. wants to get back together. I keep on going back and forth on my decision on getting back. Deep down inside, I feel like it won't work. I feel like it is another cycle. She really wants to and constantly say how much she loves but two weeks ago we had a small fight. :crying:


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## TJW

We were separated for 5 months due to her cheating. We "reconciled", in the sense that I moved back into the marital house, and made an attempt at rebuilding the marriage.

However, the same issues were still there. The same ones she blamed for her adultery, which was horse$hit. I mean, it was a marital problem, yes, but it did not "cause" her to CHOOSE to commit adultery. She justified herself in making the choice because of the issues.

She chose to cheat because she came into the marriage experienced at sex, and I came into it inexperienced. Her expectations were beyond what I could deliver, and she was unwilling to exercise patience while I learned and improved, and I was not going to be a porn star, even with lots of practice.

She felt entitled to have a husband who could perform like other men in her past. Therefore, "irreconcilable differences" caused what I like to call an "emotional divorce"....meaning that we continued to live in the same house and co-parent the kids, but any real marriage no longer existed between us.

Hopefully, others who have had success will weigh in to answer you.


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## BruceBanner

TJW said:


> We were separated for 5 months due to her cheating. We "reconciled", in the sense that I moved back into the marital house, and made an attempt at rebuilding the marriage.
> 
> However, the same issues were still there. The same ones she blamed for her adultery, which was horse$hit. I mean, it was a marital problem, yes, but it did not "cause" her to CHOOSE to commit adultery. She justified herself in making the choice because of the issues.
> 
> She chose to cheat because she came into the marriage experienced at sex, and I came into it inexperienced. Her expectations were beyond what I could deliver, and she was unwilling to exercise patience while I learned and improved, and I was not going to be a porn star, even with lots of practice.
> 
> She felt entitled to have a husband who could perform like other men in her past. Therefore, "irreconcilable differences" caused what I like to call an "emotional divorce"....meaning that we continued to live in the same house and co-parent the kids, but any real marriage no longer existed between us.
> 
> Hopefully, others who have had success will weigh in to answer you.


What exactly could you not do that other men could?


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## TJW

BruceBanner said:


> What exactly could you not do that other men could?


I couldn't make my penis long enough to penetrate her from the rear while "spooning".
I couldn't "last" for 30 minutes, or keep my erection through two or three orgasms in different positions.
I had off-and-on problems with ED.
I would lose my erection during coitus when she put a pillow over her face. I assumed this was because looking at me was a turn-off for her.

She finally admitted that she wasn't attracted to me physically. She married me for my "qualities" of being faithful, sacrificial, a good provider, and a "christian man".... but was resentful that I wasn't also a sex mavin. Her requests for stimulation in her favorite manners was given with condescension. 

I could have learned and developed some of those things, which other experienced men could, with time and practice. But, that wasn't on her timetable, and not what she signed up for. She expected an 8th-grade high jumper to start practicing at 7'.

I don't really think every other man could have pleased her. It seems to me a man described according to her is an outlier.


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## Lostinthought61

Is she willing to sign a prenup saying if you do divorce she will get nothing...there is no sense in getting screwed twice by the same woman.


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## MAJDEATH

It's not really a question of success or failure in determining whether a post-affair marriage is working. It is never the same, which some would say is a failure no matter what happens. And it is only a success if the partners feel the benefits outweigh the concerns. In my case it is working, but others would say I settled for less.


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## Andy1001

baba1234 said:


> I would love to hear some success story and/or failure after reconciliation. I like to see if it is even possible. I have been divorced for 2.5 years. We have two wonderful kids that I adore. We had a really terrible and unstable marriage for 7 years (no cheating).
> ex. wants to get back together. I keep on going back and forth on my decision on getting back. Deep down inside, I feel like it won't work. I feel like it is another cycle. She really wants to and constantly say how much she loves but two weeks ago we had a small fight. :crying:


You asked this question in your other thread but just worded it differently.Are you expecting a different answer this time?
Your ex wife has made it clear that you are the consolation prize,plan B in other words.She just wants a babysitter so that she can carry on her single life.
She has emasculated you to a point that is cringeworthy,has told you she finds you unattractive,that your penis is too short and actually put a pillow over your face so she wouldn’t have to look at you while having sex.You even gave up a happy relationship to go back to her.
The fact that you seemed surprised that your girlfriend wouldn’t take you back after you dumped her to return to your abusive ex wife says a lot about your own mentality.
You need therapy to figure out why your self esteem is so bad that you are once again considering returning to this hell hole of an existence.
You also need to stay the **** away from your ex wife!


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## 269370

That’s brutal


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl

baba1234 said:


> I would love to hear some success story and/or failure after reconciliation. I like to see if it is even possible. I have been divorced for 2.5 years. We have two wonderful kids that I adore. We had a really terrible and unstable marriage for 7 years (no cheating).
> ex. wants to get back together. I keep on going back and forth on my decision on getting back. Deep down inside, I feel like it won't work. I feel like it is another cycle. She really wants to and constantly say how much she loves but two weeks ago we had a small fight. :crying:


Tell her that to get together again both of you have to put your relationship first. Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them together in that order and do the work that they lay out.

The purpose of the books is to teach you both how to build a strong and passionate marriage/relationship and keep it that way for life. Together, the two of you can build something strong.

If she will not commit to you and your relationship then just end this now.


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## baba1234

Andy1001 said:


> You asked this question in your other thread but just worded it differeYntly.Are you expecting a different answer this time?
> Your ex wife has made it clear that you are the consolation prize,plan B in other words.She just wants a babysitter so that she can carry on her single life.
> She has emasculated you to a point that is cringeworthy,has told you she finds you unattractive,that your penis is too short and actually put a pillow over your face so she wouldn’t have to look at you while having sex.You even gave up a happy relationship to go back to her.
> The fact that you seemed surprised that your girlfriend wouldn’t take you back after you dumped her to return to your abusive ex wife says a lot about your own mentality.
> You need therapy to figure out why your self esteem is so bad that you are once again considering returning to this hell hole of an existence.
> You also need to stay the **** away from your ex wife!



Yes, did post, still confused. I think you mixed up part of my post/info with someone else. It is ok. I get you what you mean. Thanks


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## aine

Been married almost 26 years, know each other for 30 years. Both early 50's.
Two kids at college. Infidelity 18 years ago, later infidelity (not sure) both by H, I have always been faithful.
H a recovering A.
Separated twice in our marriage, both times for a few months
Done MC and IC both
Last separation, I was determined to call it quits, got a full time job, qualifications, to ensure my independence, could walk away any time I want, nothing to stop me.
He did a complete 360, stopped drinking, (has fallen off wagon twice in the last year, but gone on again), did alot of IC, goes AA, he changed jobs, now has own business, but home a lot more, travels but a lot less, more affectionate, (kisses me and hugs me often), sits and chats over coffee or on a walk.
We are mindful of spending time together, short trips, walking, going to theater, etc.
We get on very well. In ways we always did but I was so resentful.
My resentment has gone, I am happier in myself (I think that is the key, no-one can make you happy except yourself, do not look for another to make you happy), so I guess I am much nicer to be around. He wants to be around me, calls me regularly and I like it. But I will never give up my independence again. If things went down hill, I know I would be hurt but would be OK.
Sex life is good, though he has minor ED problems with stress. when on our breaks, he is raring to go.
As I get older I seem to want more sex? (hormonal?). I am an attractive woman, could lose a bit of weight but look much younger (according to others who are surprised when they find out my age, it is in the genes, my whole family have them ) He looks old for his age, so I have the advantage there! (evil grin)
I realize I am married to a flawed man, but I am flawed too and I am ok with that.
I am more relaxed about things, so is he, so I guess you could say we are in a much better place now and I looking forward to the future with him.


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## LTCNurse

Andy1001 said:


> She has emasculated you to a point that is cringeworthy,


Jesus, THIS! And I'm a female!




Andy1001 said:


> You also need to stay the **** away from your ex wife!


Not the answer you want but the answer you need.


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## LTCNurse

aine said:


> He did a complete 360,


He did a 180


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## aine

LTCNurse said:


> He did a 180


No actually he did a 540 :grin2:


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## LTCNurse

aine said:


> No actually he did a 540 :grin2:



That makes me dizzy!:laugh:!


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## Betrayedone

TJW said:


> I couldn't make my penis long enough to penetrate her from the rear while "spooning".
> I couldn't "last" for 30 minutes, or keep my erection through two or three orgasms in different positions.
> I had off-and-on problems with ED.
> I would lose my erection during coitus when she put a pillow over her face. I assumed this was because looking at me was a turn-off for her.
> 
> She finally admitted that she wasn't attracted to me physically. She married me for my "qualities" of being faithful, sacrificial, a good provider, and a "christian man".... but was resentful that I wasn't also a sex mavin. Her requests for stimulation in her favorite manners was given with condescension.
> 
> I could have learned and developed some of those things, which other experienced men could, with time and practice. But, that wasn't on her timetable, and not what she signed up for. She expected an 8th-grade high jumper to start practicing at 7'.
> 
> I don't really think every other man could have pleased her. It seems to me a man described according to her is an outlier.


**** man, you need to get away from this crazy ***** ASAP......She's a freak (not that that's a bad thing) but she's no good.


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## Livvie

I think people are mixing up the OP and another poster who wrote his story in OPs thread.


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## BarbedFenceRider

TJW- That second paragraph is all I would need to be rid of that, and absolutely NO R. For others, just like finding out you were the 2nd. place conciliatory prize. Continuing with reconciliation while not truly making yourself happy has got to be purgatory. For those that make it, hats off to ya.


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