# Collateral Damage



## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

My husband was out drinking with co-workers and ended up in bed with the spouse of one of his co-workers. He told me right away. He has apologized for his actions to all parties that are aware. I have forgiven him but I am still angry at the position we are in. Needless to say, with all of those things aside, the co-worker wants my husband to resign, immediately. He also shared the information with their immediate supervisor and he wants him out as well or he has threatened to fire him. My husband has no issues resigning, but asked for time to find another job...we too still have to eat.

I think I am angry because this woman is just as much to blame yet, he wants my husband to resign?! I want to ell him to MAN UP! My husband has to deal with his actions and so do I and I think the same should apply to he and his wife! He should resign too! Who's husband will she sleep with next?! Does he think that I want to be around his wife at the next company function and have to see her face? Don't they know that whatever feelings /thoughts he has had toward my husband I have had the same feelings /thoughts about his wife? So I'm stuck in a corner, left feeling like collateral damage 

I know that by the grace of the Almighty, I will move past this eventually. But today I needed to vent!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Ugh, that sucks. Poor you.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Her husband should resign because his wife had an affair? If she worked there too then she should be fired as well but not her husband who is innocent in all this. 
It does sound like he has "manned up" he has exposed the affair and is getting his wife's OM out of their lives. He shouldn't have to take the fall for their actions. Would you be ok with getting fired from your job because of your husband had an affair?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Unfortunately, if the betrayed husband who works there would have to resign too, then that would be an even larger travesty of justice. Put yourself in the shoes of the guy whose wife cheated on him with your husband. It is NOT fair for that poor man to be fired over this. His wife does NOT work for the company. But your husband DOES work for that company, and his continued presence there would cause a hostile work environment for the betrayed husband who would have to see your husband's face everyday at work. 

The collateral damage is significant when two people decide to cheat on their spouses. Your financial well being has been affected along with your kids. This poor man's kids plus he himself has also been affected by the actions of your husband and spouse.

Sorry to see you here though. Maybe getting this moved to CWI will help with more people seeing this and offering suggestions. What action plan do you and your husband have in place moving forward? Do you want to divorce or reconcile?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I would suggest that your spouse talk to an employment law attorney. While most states are at will employers, unless he slept with her at work there's no reason to terminate him. Is the coworker his boss owner?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

Let me say this...I get that he shouldn't have to resign, he did nothing wrong. I also get it that he shouldn't give a whoot about what goes on in my house. Just venting...simply typing and seeing my thoughts...aloud. 

The co-worker stated he and the wife were already having issues prior to this incident...guess this was the straw that broke the camel's back and this was the incident her husband could exercise some control over. 

From my standpoint, I let my husband have and I would sure like to let her have it!! However, I'm sure nothing would change. Even though I've not been in this situation before, I would think that if this happened with some other woman whose husband was not my husband's co-worker, I would surely give her a piece of my mind!

At this point, we have no other options in the sense of employment right now. We are going to relocate to somewhere and try to start anew; hoping and praying for the best.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

Mablenc the incident didn't happen at work. The co-worker is just that. He is not a supervisor. However, he told the supervisor who also wants my H to resign, if not supervisor submit to terminate him, and that could spin off into something else, which could lead to ALL involved being reprimanded and/or terminated.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> Mablenc the incident didn't happen at work. The co-worker is just that. He is not a supervisor. However, he told the supervisor who also wants my H to resign, if not supervisor submit to terminate him, and that could spin off into something else, which could lead to ALL involved being reprimanded and/or terminated.


I don't see a reason to terminate, what you need is to buy time. Most lawyers have a free consult visit. I would suggest he talk to one now. Another thing, I get the need of starting over, but only if that's what you want. I would not move to give the coworker peace of mind. He will never have it. 

For now if you husband is at work, tell him to keep professional and that he doesn't have to say anything or answer any questions in regards to what happenend he has the right to privacy as the situation is not work related.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If things spin off, the worse l can imagine is that they separate your husband and coworker to keep things civil. At least that is how I would handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

I can see that SlowlyGoingCrazy on the one hand, but in this case for their line of work, there have been incidents where the employee has been fired as a result of the spouse's infidelity and this tends to happen to people who are in the public eye, more so when it happens multiple times. Now while they are in the public eye, so are we, the spouses.

I can only imagine, based on his comment to my husband regarding "their other issues", as well as some of his other comments and reactions, this is not the first time she has done this (first time with my husband so I do not consider him her OM).


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Sorry you are here. Understand that you are venting. Better to let it out than to keep it in.

You do realize that this is the result of your husband's indiscretion. You cannot expect the coworker to be able to function knowing that his coworker screwed his wife. Now your husband can force the company's hand. Is he a union employee? At will employee? Maybe they can or cannot fire him over this. Best to talk to union rep or attorney. The situation is different for the wife, since she doesn't work for the company. She had much less to lose. Perhaps she will get what is coming to her.

To blame the coworker is like saying this is 100% your fault. He should have kept his wife away? Come on.

Husband needs to get a new job - on yours and his terms yes, not the coworkers. What assurances has he given that this won't happen again? Has it happened before?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

The coworker can want and ask for the moon. I think it's really immature that he went and tattled to the boss about something that happened between an employee and his spouse after hours and not on company premises (unless they have a place that has to do with beds????)

I'd tell the coworker to suck it up. If he doesn't like his wife cheating on him he is not going to solve that issue by keeping men away from her. For all we know this guy asked his wife to hop in the sack with your H so that he could go get your H sacked and have advantage by taking his position. Maybe they are some kind of team, rather than the wife cheating. This is why people should keep business and personal life separate.

Honestly the two have nothing to do with each other. Cheating does not make a bad employee. People can have sex and still turn a profit for their company. If the guy whose wife cheated on him can't hack it working with your H, let him be the one to leave, or seek therapy or whatever it is he needs to do to be able to earn an income.

Marriage being marriage, whatever. What if you all were just coupled up, and this happened. I wonder if the company would feel so secure in telling your "boyfriend" he has to leave the company because he put the moves on his coworker's woman (or vice versa, woman put the moves on him...)

How ridiculous. If someone tried to fire me because of who I had sex with or didn't have sex with I'd ask them to show proof that I'm the one causing profitability problems and what was it I did that violated any terms I'd agreed to.

Not saying that what happened wasn't awkward or anything, but geez, people need to grow up. It's work, people gotta work. People are people, they have sex, and being people, get upset if the sex offends them in some way. What if instead H said something mean about guy's wife, or guy?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ages?

is the woman a coworker too?


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Sounds to me like she is playing the "poor me, I was manipulated" card. I agree with you that your husband should hold firm about keeping his job if he did nothing wrong. 

His company can reprimand him, and it's all good. They can fire him, which might give him grounds for a harassment lawsuit if he wanted to pursue one. But by him tucking tail and agreeing to find another job, he is risking a poor recommendation from this employer if he later needs to change jobs again. If this was her fault, too, she should be held equally accountable and it shouldn't cause your husband an unfair amount of harm.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

The "scam" idea crossed my mind, especially when she referenced the house we were set to move into...she wanted it but said that's what she got for waiting.

If they fire him, he won't be the only one...the super the co-worker tattled to and said nothing, could be collateral damage as well.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It reeks of scam as soon as you say that it's HER husband that wants your husband fired and that they've had problems anyway.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> The "scam" idea crossed my mind, especially when she referenced the house we were set to move into...she wanted it but said that's what she got for waiting.
> 
> If they fire him, he won't be the only one...the super the co-worker tattled to and said nothing, could be collateral damage as well.


I'm thinking the supervisor is not stupid enough to engage in gossip.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

The woman is not a co-worker. It sounds like the co-worker and his wife have ongoing issues just from comments made by co-worker. They are late 30's maybe 40. We are are both 40+ and no he hasn't done this before.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

The super doesn't want it to get out that he has known and did nothing...new job; hasn't been there long. He could lose it all too. He calls himself being a mediator between the 2 men at this point. Super doesn't want my H to call co-worker directly. When my H said let's go to management, he snapped! At this point anything we are hearing is hearsay, all from the Super and his only words are: when are you resigning? What's your plan cause you can't come back?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm really confused as to how your husband ended up in bed with this coworker's wife if he was out drinking WITH the coworker. "hold ma' beer man,I gotta go bang your wife real quick" I mean come on,how does that happen. 

Sounds like a threesome fantasy gone wrong to me. Your husband shouldn't resign and he shouldn't be fired for this either.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

ScarletBegonias...he left his wife at the bar (hotel) after she wouldn't leave with him. My husband seemed a bit taken aback by her forwardness, even in front of her H. Her H apparently was only getting more p.o'd with her when he finally left here there. She kept those drinks coming, she paid for them. I can't dare repeat what my H said to me here, but my immediate thought was "this chic knew exactly what she was doing!"


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I am no lawyer keep that in mind. I doubt that in most circumstances the boss could fire your husband over this. 

I'm not saying he shouldn't find a new job as the present environment sounds toxic but he should be able to do it on your terms. 

I hope you addressed this completely with your h and did not rug sweep. Hopefully coworker did the same with his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Do you have any idea of the kind of gut wrenching pain the co-worker is going to suffer every time he sees that ******* husband of yours?
If your husband has even an ounce of decency in him he will go out and find a new job today!


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

sorry. I meant to say "arm-hole husband of yours".


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

Workindad...I most certainly did address it. I went almost overboard but I can say by his actions and words he more than just got the message!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

" when are you resigning? What's your plan cause you can't come back?"

This was said by the coworker right? Not the supervisor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't know if it's fair to assume the husband was in on it or that the woman was the aggressor and scammed him or set it up. 

I think it is reasonable that a man wouldn't want to work with someone who his wife cheated on him with, a lot of times advice is given to the BS to expose at work if it's applicable. I don't see scam flags go up because of it. 
It's also reasonable that a WH would make it sound like she did most of the pursuing and was more aggressive/responsible for the affair but I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing too.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

It was said by the supervisor. And I have no doubt my H knew. However, if you had the "pleasure" of seeing my H intoxicated, which is rare, he can't get to the rest room on his own! Not bragging, just saying...not sure how he even managed the act (much he doesn't really recall). But that's neither here nor there. She said she did it, told her H and that's all it took.

In the end, there are no words or actions that could make me feel better about the situation, whether he could keep his job or not. Due to the nature of their work, our chances of seeing each other are frequent and I don't think I could stomach to see her or how long I could keep my cool!

Now, I know you can't tell right now and may I be forgiven, but I am a praying woman. I have been thru some terrible things as have others, but I am always amazed at how God kept me from doing what others would see as the obvious. I have no doubt I will come out just fine on the other end of this...I have to much at stake!


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Why was she even at this place? It sounds like it was just supposed to be your husband and his coworker. It's not adding up to me why she was there and why the coworker would leave her there even if he was really angry. It doesn't make sense that your husband didn't leave with the coworker. 

It all seems a bit too shady.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

How did a non-employee wife attend this company event at a hotel/bar? Were you invited?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

The supervisor needs to give a valid reason for wanting a termination. I really would push a lawyer to win time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Also,if there is no proof of this incident and it didn't happen at work,a work supervisor has no say in what happens anyway. That would mean that any coworker who didn't like you could just pick a fight,say you screwed their spouse and you'd get fired. That's just ridiculous.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

There are two scenarios running through my mind right now. 
1.There is FAR more to this story than your husband has told you
2.We're being taken for a ride here.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

I have not relocated yet and we don't pull our kids out of school for a mid week visit. She has not yet relocated either but seems to pull her kids out of school for random mid week visits. My H commented on her always showing up, even at meetings! I asked what does super say and he said nothing!! I'm thinking WTH, she sounds crazy even before this incident. Thus, that is how she ended up there, she went to visit her H. 

The 2 guys were supposed to be the only 2 but she ditched the kids and opted to hang out at the bar too. Maybe since her H saw she wasn't leaving and not to make a scene and tend to kids, he said forget it and left. Oh yes, cause kid came to bar to get her, so her H took her back to room.

It just gets better !


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> However, if you had the "pleasure" of seeing my H intoxicated, which is rare, he can't get to the rest room on his own!


Are you sure that sex even occurred? If he can't get to the bathroom without help, how did he make it to the wife's home or hotel room (not sure of location) and does he recall that he did indeed follow through with intercourse? I would certainly find out more details before any employment concerns can be legally addressed.

And the kid came to the bar? And the H left his flirtatious wife alone with your drunk H? I would ask your H to provide you with a detailed timeline including flowchart and PowerPoints to help you get the full story.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

i'd be venting too!
and super, duper, over the top p*ssed at my H for risking his job bc he couldn't keep it in his pants. i totally get why you're upset.

but, it's not reasonable to punish the co-worker bc of his WW's actions. he's already going through enough, knowing people at work are aware that his wife cheated on him. if i was him i might be looking for another job anyway to avoid the humiliation he must be experiencing at work.


sorry your WH did this to you and your family. best of luck moving forward.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

yeah_right said:


> I would ask your H to provide you with a detailed timeline including flowchart and PowerPoints to help you get the full story.


Somebody's being taken for a ride here: either you, your husband, or us. Not sure which it is...

I'd start with you getting the details from all the parties involved and comparing notes to see what adds up and what doesn't. SPECIFIC details, down to the minute if possible.

No matter how you slice it, this whole things smells funny, one way or another.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

yeah_right said:


> Are you sure that sex even occurred? If he can't get to the bathroom without help, how did he make it to the wife's home or hotel room (not sure of location) and does he recall that he did indeed follow through with intercourse? I would certainly find out more details before any employment concerns can be legally addressed.
> 
> And the kid came to the bar? And the H left his flirtatious wife alone with your drunk H? I would ask your H to provide you with a detailed timeline including flowchart and PowerPoints to help you get the full story.


That's the funny thing, he can't say with 100% certainty but he is sure something did happen. She offered to walk him to his room and well...

Yep, kid came to the bar. He has provided that to says that she couldn't have been in there for long just based on the time he thought he left, waking up and calling me and flying him 2 hours later! 

I think she told too because she probably thought what if she got preggo. She doesn't know he's sterile!!! I'm waiting for her to say that cause DNA and will show otherwise and when her H sees it's not by my H well...


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## Nostromo (Feb 8, 2014)

thorobred88 said:


> Thought I would share this post here as well. Please keep in mind I am just venting and I know my thoughts might seem ridiculous...
> 
> My husband was out drinking with co-workers and ended up in bed with the spouse of one of his co-workers. He told me right away. He has apologized for his actions to all parties that are aware. I have forgiven him but I am still angry at the position we are in. Needless to say, with all of those things aside, the co-worker wants my husband to resign, immediately. He also shared the information with their immediate supervisor and he wants him out as well or he has threatened to fire him. My husband has no issues resigning, but asked for time to find another job...we too still have to eat.
> 
> ...



Why? What did he do wrong?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Have you spoken to the woman's husband? If the only information you are getting is from your husband, he has a lot of reason to stretch the truth to make himself sound more innocent. I would want to talk to someone else to verify what really happened. 
A lot of cheating husbands will use the ' I was too drunk and she was acting like a sl*t' line. Maybe I'm too cynical...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

This is the thread from the general section with some replies. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/167425-collateral-damage.html


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

syhoybenden said:


> *Do you have any idea of the kind of gut wrenching pain the co-worker is going to suffer every time he sees that ******* husband of yours?*
> If your husband has even an ounce of decency in him he will go out and find a new job today!


I am sorry for your situation but I can understand why he doesn't want see the man. Yes his wife is just a responsible as your husband but he doesn't have to come home to him he has to come home to his wife.


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## melw74 (Dec 12, 2013)

There both to blame, your husband and the woman, but i cant help but feel for the co worker, sorry.

I mean if i had a job and i was working and a woman that i worked there with slept with my hubby i would not want to have to go to work everyday and see her face..... Not the same situation, but still.

Its sad that your husband has to find a new job, but he really should have thought about the consequences before he slept with the mans wife.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> I think she told too because she probably thought what if she got preggo. She doesn't know he's sterile!!! I'm waiting for her to say that cause DNA and will show otherwise and when her H sees it's not by my H well...


so, no protection?

and he claims he was so drunk he can't remember anything yet he was able to finish the job? of course you know your H and i don't but i do know what really drunk men are like in bed. . .


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Most cheaters downplay and lie, I suggest you read the newbie thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

cool12 said:


> but i do know what really drunk men are like in bed. . .


terrible,silly,adorable,limp...just a few things that come to mind


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

On your husband having to find a new job, the questions that come up:
1. Is your husband in a superior position to the co-worker
2. Is your husband and at-will or exempt employee
3. Did your husband receive a employee manual that had a section dealing with Ethics etc. ( In some states this is considered as part of the employment contract and if it is violated gives cause for dismissal.)

If any of the above apply and a lot more then the company can justifiable discharge your husband.

Also be aware if it is for Misconduct that the company can prove and if they fight it your husband can also be denied Unemployment Insurance.

Not in your state but some of the issues in Illinois


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> Thought I would share this post here as well. Please keep in mind I am just venting and I know my thoughts might seem ridiculous...
> 
> My husband was out drinking with co-workers and ended up in bed with the spouse of one of his co-workers. He told me right away. He has apologized for his actions to all parties that are aware. I have forgiven him but I am still angry at the position we are in. Needless to say, with all of those things aside, the co-worker wants my husband to resign, immediately. He also shared the information with their immediate supervisor and he wants him out as well or he has threatened to fire him. My husband has no issues resigning, but asked for time to find another job...we too still have to eat.
> 
> ...


Same should apply to he and his wife? What exactly did he do again? I'm pretty sure they can't fire a workers wife..

Who's husband will she sleep with next? They'll probably come up with a 'no sleeping with spouses of employees' policy right after they fire your husband for being a dumb ass...


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

My H never said he finished the job, he doesn't know. My comment was that I believe that may be a reason she told her H. Maybe she slept with someone else and my H could be her out...heck if I know.

I have not spoken to the wife. When her H called my H, my H put me on speaker and let her H know I was there. I have been on speaker when the Super calls with his threats. There is no "ride" here, no joking...this is our LIFE!!! And I know he was wrong for letting it get to the point that even he has questions. He knows it was wrong and accepts full responsibility for his actions, including walking away from his career. I don't have to say anything else to him because I see what this is doing to him, physically and mentally. 

I have the wife's number but will not call. I have her H's number and the super's number, but I won't add fuel to the fire by calling. The damage is done.

Worst case scenarios, (a) he fights it, details come out and everybody loses their jobs, I don't really care. If we didn't have kids the fight would be on and you'd probably be getting details on your local news! or (b) He resigns and walks away, probably to never return to his profession.

I hate option B but when I hear the tone in the Super's voice, anger near the point of hate...I just assume walk away. We can't win.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> My husband was out drinking with co-workers and ended up in bed with the spouse of one of his co-workers. He told me right away. He has apologized for his actions to all parties that are aware. I have forgiven him but I am still angry at the position we are in. Needless to say, with all of those things aside, the co-worker wants my husband to resign, immediately. He also shared the information with their immediate supervisor and he wants him out as well or he has threatened to fire him. My husband has no issues resigning, but asked for time to find another job...we too still have to eat.
> 
> I think I am angry because this woman is just as much to blame yet, he wants my husband to resign?! I want to ell him to MAN UP! My husband has to deal with his actions and so do I and I think the same should apply to he and his wife! He should resign too! Who's husband will she sleep with next?! Does he think that I want to be around his wife at the next company function and have to see her face? Don't they know that whatever feelings /thoughts he has had toward my husband I have had the same feelings /thoughts about his wife? So I'm stuck in a corner, left feeling like collateral damage
> 
> I know that by the grace of the Almighty, I will move past this eventually. But today I needed to vent!


If I were you, I'd avoid the company functions... especially leave your husband home if there's going to be booze.

You'd have to see her only if you go to the function, he has to see your husband every day at work, and if it's known what happened, that's pretty humiliating.. 

Your husband can in fact be fired because companies fire people all the time, it happens.. I'd just say he makes poor decisions and has conflicts with co-workers.. I'm no lawyer, but I'd leave out the part about him being a dirt bag, and if he wants to go to court and bring all that up he can.. They'll make his life miserable. He'd be best to leave while he can find a job, before the word gets out that he's a risk..


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

Thanks for all of your comments...and allowing me to vent, 

Don't think for one moment that I have had any less thoughts of my husband. It's not all roses over here, and I am not naive to what I am dealing with. Neither is my husband, he has no problem walking away. He apologized to to his co-worker as well, I was on the phone, he just asked for time to find something else. No he should have never gotten that drunk and knows it.

Only 3 people in the office know what happened, the H, the co-worker and the Super...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

if 3 people in the office know, everybody in the office knows...


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

Thanks Russell28, luckily, I don't ever have to see either of them. BTW this is not typical drinking for my H; never had this problem before; he is sick right now and maybe that is what he deserves according to us.

The only people in his office that know are my H, the co-worker and Super...my H isn't talking. My H has no issue resigning. He accepts responsibility for what happened. He is embarrassed an humiliated. He just asked for some time, a week, 2 but he wants out of there as well. 

Again, these are just my feelings, thoughts, etc. Thanks for all of your comments and allowing me to share. My H is ready to walk away and start life anew.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

russell28 said:


> if 3 people in the office know, everybody in the office knows...


...and by now you could be right, my H is not there. However, if they do know and consider it a violation, as they are saying and they didn't report...we won't be the only ones looking for employment.


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

If you haven't relocated yet then I'm assuming this is a new job. Could your H go back to his former employer? Then you wouldn't have to move.

You mention that the OW shows up at company meetings. Why would the wife of another new employee be allowed to crash an official office meeting? This company sounds like a toxic environment.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Rape ?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't know if it's fair to assume the husband was in on it or that the woman was the aggressor and scammed him or set it up.
> 
> I think it is reasonable that a man wouldn't want to work with someone who his wife cheated on him with, a lot of times advice is given to the BS to expose at work if it's applicable. I don't see scam flags go up because of it.
> It's also reasonable that a WH would make it sound like she did most of the pursuing and was more aggressive/responsible for the affair but I'm sure he knew exactly what he was doing too.


I didn't say it WAS scam, I was putting it up there as an example of why there are laws that dictate what people can and cannot be let go over. Otherwise, manipulative money-hungry people would be invading each other's personal lives and creating situations where their competitors on the job could be dismissed. 

I think it's silly to expect someone to be fired because your wife banged the guy, and vice versa. If it upsets you to the point where you can't do your job, go through employee assistance program, don't saddle your boss with it. Now the boss has to manage two people whose personal lives and sex lives he knows way too much about. Real nice. Being right or wronged doesn't make it any better for the boss. He should let the guy go who was unprofessional and opened the can of worms at work rather than going to EA program. At the very least, geez, consult an attorney before you go whining to the boss that your coworker banged your wife (or vice versa.) It's just immature. Take a leave of absence for mental health or something while getting it figured out, but really? Bringing your wife's sex life to the job? :rofl: If I were a boss I'd say, I don't want to hear about it, if it interferes with your work, go see EA Program or mental health specialist or talk to an attorney, I'm not your Mom, grow up.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

this is serious. consult an attorney. know your rights.

there's a good chance he could keep his job. quit talking to the super. sounds like he wants you gone but can't do it so hes pressuring you to resign. 

start throwing out resumes and talk to a lawyer.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

No Warlock, just 2 with too much too drink.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

I'm just overwhelmed now...done ranting and pouring out my emotions for the day...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Lawyer up. Keep a low profile at work the best he can and make sure he does everything right. No arguing, no stupid emails, no doing things on a work computer other then work. 

They can look at anything to get him. He screwed up big time by involving a co-worker. But these things can blow over.

Also, start looking for another job.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

syhoybenden said:


> Do you have any idea of the kind of gut wrenching pain the co-worker is going to suffer every time he sees that ******* husband of yours?
> If your husband has even an ounce of decency in him he will go out and find a new job today!


Why should her husband give a damn about this clown and his wife. If this guy want to avoid the gut wrenching pain, he need to fire the wife. Even if the husband resigns, this joker still married to a chick who does other men. They'd probably have to fire half the guys in the company. This wasn't her first rodeo and won't be her last.
It amazes me to hear about the number guys who think getting rid of the other man is going to solve their problem. It goes to not putting responsibility where it belongs. Any guy who stays with a chick who publicly humiliates him is nuts.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Her husband should resign because his wife had an affair? If she worked there too then she should be fired as well but not her husband who is innocent in all this.
> It does sound like he has "manned up" he has exposed the affair and is getting his wife's OM out of their lives. He shouldn't have to take the fall for their actions. Would you be ok with getting fired from your job because of your husband had an affair?


Do you know that NC, no contact is needed between the AP's to keep an affair from restarting?

Also NC is needed for the BH in your story.

This BH did not have an affair. For this BH to leave his job is to continue to punish the BH post affair.

Is it your goal to further punish this BH?

Actually both AP's should be fired. Though with the BH not deserving to lose his job that means your WH has to go.

Is it fair that the WW will not be fired? No. Though it is fair to protect the BH from having to have further contact with your WH.

Your WH danced. Now he has to pay the band. Natural to feel that you are being made to suffer because you are. You want to be mad. Be mad at your WH. He dragged you into this.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

thorobred88 said:


> Let me say this...I get that he shouldn't have to resign, he did nothing wrong.


He had a work place affair. That term does not mean that they had sex at work. They net through work.

You are not suppose to have co workers as AP's. Many large companies have termination policies for this to prevent lawsuits and one of the AP's or either BS coming into work one day and going postal.

Plus you are the first BW that wants her WH to still have contact with his OW.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

thorobred88 said:


> I can only imagine, based on his comment to my husband regarding "their other issues", as well as some of his other comments and reactions, this is not the first time she has done this (first time with my husband so I do not consider him her OM).


Like the immaculate birth your WH had immaculate sex. So that absolves your WH from being an OM. :rofl:


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> How ridiculous. If someone tried to fire me because of who I had sex with or didn't have sex with I'd ask them to show proof that I'm the one causing profitability problems and what was it I did that violated any terms I'd agreed to.


There is a difference between dating someone and having an affair. It is not having sex. It also has nothing to do with profitability.

It does show that you can lie and cheat in this then you can and will lie and cheat in other things. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I think you turn the whole thing around on her -- *maybe she slipped a roofie in his drink* and then lured him back to her room, that's why he doesn't remember?

Why not bring up the fact that a certain "toxicology report" exists that will blow this thing wide open. Who cares if the report doesn't actually exist? Once management and the co-worker get wind of a potential lawsuit, things may start to change in your favor. Fight dirty with dirty.

I'm just sayin'...


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

I was so drained after reading all of the comments good and bad, most encouraging and the others well...I guess that's what I get for sharing, lol (see...I can laugh a bit today!). We agreed that even if he could stay and the attorney felt like he could, we would just never have peace there. There is no amount of money worth my sanity! The profession was great as was the lifestyle it afforded us. People start over all of the time and it is never a cake walk. It's a deep bruise but eventually they heal. 

It could always be worse...we could have no savings and no where to go, no support system...with that...I will keep moving forward!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

The company can fire your husband for this or any other reason.

However, no one can make someone resign.

Your husband may want to resign to save himself any problems assocaited with being terminated for cause, such as a lack of a reference or what have you. He may want to negotiate a "pacakge" to resign. For example he can tell his superviser he will resign if they give him 6 months pay and a good reference.

But, the thing is no one can make someone resign. They can make you miserable, they can fire you, they can assign you to crappy jobs etc...


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

thorobred88 said:


> We agreed that even if he could stay and the attorney felt like he could, we would just never have peace there. There is no amount of money worth my sanity! The profession was great as was the lifestyle it afforded us. People start over all of the time and it is never a cake walk. It's a deep bruise but eventually they heal.


Resign in exchange for a good letter of recommendation for his new job.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

MissFroggie said:


> Claimant: Our client tells us he was fired for having an affair outside of work with someone outwith the company.
> 
> Defendant: What affair?
> 
> ...


Claimant: Was the Claimant's alleged affair partner recently hired by your company.

Defendant: Yes she was.

Claimant: For what position was she hired?

Defendant: VP of employee benefits.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Claimant: Was the Claimant's alleged affair partner recently hired by your company.
> 
> Defendant: Yes she was.
> 
> ...


More like STD administrator, which is a real position for short term disability admin.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

These last 8 months have been brutal! Relocated to another state on a whim. Thought things were turning up and then not! We have exhausted all of our savings and retirement accounts. Thank God we rented and the landlords are willing to work with us until he finds a job.

Some days I feel like it's me against the world and others I feel like we will get there. I look back and read these posts and I know my emotions had the best of me! However, maybe not as bad as my husband. One would think I would find some "comfort" in his misery, but that is not the case. HE is miserable. When he starts getting on my nerves whining about not finding a job, I just walk away and remind myself he got himself into this mess...keep trying t figure it out--LOL! Sometimes I think I want to keep trying and others, I'm just waiting for him to do something else stupid and that will be my justification for walking away.

I know I'm not alone!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

thorobred88 said:


> These last 8 months have been brutal! Relocated to another state on a whim. Thought things were turning up and then not! We have exhausted all of our savings and retirement accounts. Thank God we rented and the landlords are willing to work with us until he finds a job.
> 
> Some days I feel like it's me against the world and others I feel like we will get there. I look back and read these posts and I know my emotions had the best of me! However, maybe not as bad as my husband. One would think I would find some "comfort" in his misery, but that is not the case. HE is miserable. When he starts getting on my nerves whining about not finding a job, I just walk away and remind myself he got himself into this mess...keep trying t figure it out--LOL! Sometimes I think I want to keep trying and others, I'm just waiting for him to do something else stupid and that will be my justification for walking away.
> 
> I know I'm not alone!


Why wait for the justification, you already have your reasons and should remind him that his actions brought you to the place you both are in now and also remind him that instead of abandoning him to the gravity of his actions you fought the good fight along his side, illustrate to him where he'd be now if he we alone. Feel free to drive it home too.


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## thorobred88 (Feb 12, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Why wait for the justification, you already have your reasons and should remind him that his actions brought you to the place you both are in now and also remind him that instead of abandoning him to the gravity of his actions you fought the good fight along his side, illustrate to him where he'd be now if he we alone. Feel free to drive it home too.


I have been considering. Just trying to plan my exit. I have no family here...17 hours away. I am working and at least he has prospects...that will allow me to save and prepare for my future.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

thorobred88 said:


> I have been considering. Just trying to plan my exit. I have no family here...17 hours away. I am working and at least he has prospects...that will allow me to save and prepare for my future.


What a terrible thing your husband has put you through. I really feel for you. 

The best thing you could do right now is to just take very good care of yourself and build some independence. That way you can make a decision and know you will be ok.

{{{{HUGS}}}}


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

This is one of the few story's where karma hit the OM :lol:
and sorry BW you got stuck in all of this and you didn't diserve a cheating husband or living in a ****ty situation


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Thorobred88

My WW never knew the damage her six month affair would have on our lives. WW lives with the knowledge she destroyed two families, destroyed her husband, and her own self. WW is very remorseful, regretful, ashamed, humiliated, and many other emotions. Her self esteem is shattered, confidence shattered, and is trying to move mountains for me. WW has a front row seat to all the damage she caused to me. I will say that never once while she was in her affair did she think about the damage and fallout that would occur when the affair ended. 

I have my doubts on whether I will fully recover from this and be the person I once was. We are attempting R but the last month I have resided in rage over this infidelity bulls--t. Both WW and I have changed along with our marriage. I had difficulty mourning the death of our marriage and recently thoughts of the affair have come back strong. It is truly devastating the damage infidelity causes. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

mablenc said:


> More like STD administrator, which is a real position for short term disability admin.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:rofl: STD administrator :rofl:

Like the CDC Center for Disease Redistribution (Ebola...).


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