# New and don’t know what to do



## 31done

I have been married 31 years. Raised 2 beautiful twins that will soon be 20. For the last 15 years, I have had no love, intimacy or sex with my spouse. I listed sex last I just want to be held, touched and lovedI. I have dedicated my life to my marriage and my kids until February of this year. I made the terrible decision to have a brief affair and got caught. I know it was the worst thing I could have done. I should have communicated better, my feelings and needs. My spouse has type 2 diabetes but never communicated how bad his numbers were. Every time I tried to get close, he pushed me away. I didn’t know why. He has had ED. He bases all this on sexual performance and me wanting sex when in actuality I wanted to feel loved instead of being just a roommate. I have been in counseling, to confession, I have been working hard to explain and try and make this work. He refuses counseling and won’t talk to anyone. Much verbal abuse and gas lighting. I stand and take it, but I am wearing down. I get that infidelity is the worst thing I could have done. I really think it is time for a divorce. He won’t answer when I ask. I just get the verbal abuse. I just want to be happy. What do I do?


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## gxbailey

31done said:


> I have been married 31 years. Raised 2 beautiful twins that will soon be 20. For the last 15 years, I have had no love, intimacy or sex with my spouse. I listed sex last I just want to be held, touched and lovedI. I have dedicated my life to my marriage and my kids until February of this year. I made the terrible decision to have a brief affair and got caught. I know it was the worst thing I could have done. I should have communicated better, my feelings and needs. My spouse has type 2 diabetes but never communicated how bad his numbers were. Every time I tried to get close, he pushed me away. I didn’t know why. He has had ED. He bases all this on sexual performance and me wanting sex when in actuality I wanted to feel loved instead of being just a roommate. I have been in counseling, to confession, I have been working hard to explain and try and make this work. He refuses counseling and won’t talk to anyone. Much verbal abuse and gas lighting. I stand and take it, but I am wearing down. I get that infidelity is the worst thing I could have done. I really think it is time for a divorce. He won’t answer when I ask. I just get the verbal abuse. I just want to be happy. What do I do?


Keep writing, that should help. You're situation sounds really challenging, but random people's opinions on the internet are no substitute to professional help. Be well.


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## ElwoodPDowd

31done said:


> My spouse has type 2 diabetes but never communicated how bad his numbers were. Every time I tried to get close, he pushed me away. I didn’t know why. He has had ED.


You do understand diabetes causes ED, many diabetic men are impotent.
He's probably ashamed that he can't do it any more.
Which is why he won't talk about it.









[Efficacy and safety of sildenafil in men with type 2 diabetes mellitus and erectile dysfunction] - PubMed


Sildenafil is an effective, safe treatment for erectile dysfunction in diabetic patients.




pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov


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## Luckylucky

Terrible situation, 15 years is a long time to go without affection and sex. Is there a reason you didn’t divorce before the affair? I see you apologising a lot for everything, and it seems like he hasn’t tackled any problems in the last 15 years with a doctor or professional?


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## TJW

31done said:


> Much verbal abuse and gas lighting.


Do I understand correctly ? The verbal abuse is from your husband, the gaslighting is from you ?
The betrayed spouse has no reason to gaslight.

You say you have gone to "confession"..... have you fully confessed your adultery to your husband ? You say you were caught..... have you asked for your husband's forgiveness ?

If you are gaslighting, then your feelings and needs are not being communicated, not being received by your husband, and your confession to your husband is insincere. It is also insincere to God, if this is what you are doing. The absolution of a completely uninvolved clergyman/woman will be rendered meaningless in your heart. Won't work.

If I don't understand correctly, please ignore me, it would help me (and possibly others on here) to more clearly understand the roles which are being adopted by you and your husband.

I'm afraid you are going to have to earn your divorce, if that's what you want.

I have been the betrayed spouse. It was decades ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. My first reaction was "hysterical bonding", in which I tried to address everything she said was a problem.

After a year and a half, I didn't give a rat's a$$ what her feelings and needs were. I proceeded with an emotional divorce. I refused to initiate the legal divorce, but that's another whole can of worms which won't help you.



31done said:


> I just want to be happy. What do I do?


Being happy is a choice. You can choose divorce, you can choose marriage. Neither of these choices has any guarantee of happiness.


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## In Absentia

TJW said:


> Do I understand correctly ? The verbal abuse is from your husband, the gaslighting is from you ?
> The betrayed spouse has no reason to gaslight.


I think she means he was gaslighting her regarding his condition.


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## 31done

In Absentia said:


> I think she means he was gaslighting her regarding his condition.


That is correct. He is gas lighting me. I have taken full responsibility for what I have done. And I am trying to work things through, but honestly there has been no effort on his part in the last 15 years. He says that is just how life is. You raise your kids and do what you need to do. I get that, being the parent that was always there to pick them up, get them wherever, make dinner etc. But we were still husband and wife and needed to pay attention to each other.


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## 31done

ElwoodPDowd said:


> You do understand diabetes causes ED, many diabetic men are impotent.
> He's probably ashamed that he can't do it any more.
> Which is why he won't talk about it.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> [Efficacy and safety of sildenafil in men with type 2 diabetes mellitus and erectile dysfunction] - PubMed
> 
> 
> Sildenafil is an effective, safe treatment for erectile dysfunction in diabetic patients.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov


I do understand that now that he has shared how bad his numbers were. He would go to the doctor and come home and not share. I knew the doctor wanted him to lose weight etc. yes, it would be wonderful to have sex again, but what would really awesome is for him to just hold me and touch me.


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## 31done

TJW said:


> Do I understand correctly ? The verbal abuse is from your husband, the gaslighting is from you ?
> The betrayed spouse has no reason to gaslight.
> 
> You say you have gone to "confession"..... have you fully confessed your adultery to your husband ? You say you were caught..... have you asked for your husband's forgiveness ?
> 
> If you are gaslighting, then your feelings and needs are not being communicated, not being received by your husband, and your confession to your husband is insincere. It is also insincere to God, if this is what you are doing. The absolution of a completely uninvolved clergyman/woman will be rendered meaningless in your heart. Won't work.
> 
> If I don't understand correctly, please ignore me, it would help me (and possibly others on here) to more clearly understand the roles which are being adopted by you and your husband.
> 
> I'm afraid you are going to have to earn your divorce, if that's what you want.
> 
> I have been the betrayed spouse. It was decades ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. My first reaction was "hysterical bonding", in which I tried to address everything she said was a problem.
> 
> After a year and a half, I didn't give a rat's a$$ what her feelings and needs were. I proceeded with an emotional divorce. I refused to initiate the legal divorce, but that's another whole can of worms which won't help you.
> 
> 
> 
> Being happy is a choice. You can choose divorce, you can choose marriage. Neither of these choices has any guarantee of happiness.





Luckylucky said:


> Terrible situation, 15 years is a long time to go without affection and sex. Is there a reason you didn’t divorce before the affair? I see you apologising a lot for everything, and it seems like he hasn’t tackled any problems in the last 15 years with a doctor or professional?


My children. I have stayed for them to be the best mom I could be. He is a parole board hearing officer. Rough job, which he won’t separate work from home. We are all lumped in the same category. It is an ugly job, I get it, but myself and the kids are not them.


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## 31done

TJW said:


> Do I understand correctly ? The verbal abuse is from your husband, the gaslighting is from you ?
> The betrayed spouse has no reason to gaslight.
> 
> You say you have gone to "confession"..... have you fully confessed your adultery to your husband ? You say you were caught..... have you asked for your husband's forgiveness ?
> 
> If you are gaslighting, then your feelings and needs are not being communicated, not being received by your husband, and your confession to your husband is insincere. It is also insincere to God, if this is what you are doing. The absolution of a completely uninvolved clergyman/woman will be rendered meaningless in your heart. Won't work.
> 
> If I don't understand correctly, please ignore me, it would help me (and possibly others on here) to more clearly understand the roles which are being adopted by you and your husband.
> 
> I'm afraid you are going to have to earn your divorce, if that's what you want.
> 
> I have been the betrayed spouse. It was decades ago, but I remember it like it was yesterday. My first reaction was "hysterical bonding", in which I tried to address everything she said was a problem.
> 
> After a year and a half, I didn't give a rat's a$$ what her feelings and needs were. I proceeded with an emotional divorce. I refused to initiate the legal divorce, but that's another whole can of worms which won't help you.
> 
> 
> 
> Being happy is a choice. You can choose divorce, you can choose marriage. Neither of these choices has any guarantee of happiness.


I understand there are no guarantees in life, but I can’t continue to live in a raging environment because his job has changed so much, he is permanently working from home and retires in Dec. 2022. He has hated his job and the changes that have occurred. All of this started before he discovered the affair. I am sure now that makes it worse. He has needed some anxiety medicine for a while. My kids have mentioned it repeatedly. Leaving is much harder than staying. I know that. I just don’t know what to do or what he wants. He says he is here for the kids so does that mean life will continue to be like it was the last 15, or worse?


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## 31done

31done said:


> I understand there are no guarantees in life, but I can’t continue to live in a raging environment because his job has changed so much, he is permanently working from home and retires in Dec. 2022. He has hated his job and the changes that have occurred. All of this started before he discovered the affair. I am sure now that makes it worse. He has needed some anxiety medicine for a while. My kids have mentioned it repeatedly. Leaving is much harder than staying. I know that. I just don’t know what to do or what he wants. He says he is here for the kids so does that mean life will continue to be like it was the last 15, or worse?


I have fully confessed everything to my clergy and to my husband. I have done all the things they say to do if you want to try and save my marriage. I thought that is what I wanted. I don’t know anymore. I am scared.


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## Lostinthought61

even before your affair he was in denial of his own health, he suppressed his numbers to you and i suspect he is depressed, with his job, and his health....now place on that your affair and he is even in a deeper depression and denial. 

whether you want to divorce or not ultimately is up to the both of you, but right now you have to put your affair issues on the back burner and deal with his health first. you really need to attack it by diet, meds, and individual couseling for him, not necessarily for you but the kids....that will be his driving force. in the mean time you need couseling as well.


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## 31done

Lostinthought61 said:


> even before your affair he was in denial of his own health, he suppressed his numbers to you and i suspect he is depressed, with his job, and his health....now place on that your affair and he is even in a deeper depression and denial.
> 
> whether you want to divorce or not ultimately is up to the both of you, but right now you have to put your affair issues on the back burner and deal with his health first. you really need to attack it by diet, meds, and individual couseling for him, not necessarily for you but the kids....that will be his driving force. in the mean time you need couseling as well.


I am in counseling. I have cooked totally different for quite some time. I started running and lost 30 lbs. my son started and lost 44. We are not big. He carries his weight through the middle. He refuses counseling, says counselors make it worse. He won’t talk to anyone. He does take meds. I have no sweets in the house. I am not sure what else I can do to help with that. He needs anti anxiety meds as well. Has for a long time. But refuses those. Says they are for crazy people... then I must be crazy.


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## TJW

31done said:


> I just don’t know what to do or what he wants.


What to do is what YOU want.
What he wants is irrelevant.



31done said:


> He says he is here for the kids so does that mean life will continue to be like it was the last 15, or worse?


Yes. That is precisely what it means. And, it will be worse because of your affair.



31done said:


> Says they are for crazy people... then I must be crazy.


Anxiety medication can help people who have a hard time dealing with life. It is not a diagnosis of any of the mental illnesses which are lumped into "crazy". Anxiety medications are prescribed by trained professional doctors for just that reason, because the doctor sees that the benefits outweigh the risks and side-effects during a specific period of time.



31done said:


> Raised 2 beautiful twins that will soon be 20.


You kept your nuclear family home together for their sake, and for long enough. 20-year-old people are ADULTS. They SHOULD no longer need their parents. I mean, yes, they may WANT to have parents, and LOVE their parents, but they should not NEED parents. Parenting time is over. They should be capable, in every respect, to make their own decisions and provide for themselves.

Confessing your affair to your twins may be among the most difficult moments in your life. Try to do it in a way in which they don't "take sides".

LATER EDIT:


31done said:


> He bases all this on sexual performance


You will never, ever, not in a million years, after your affair....... convince him that it isn't.......you won't even be able to discuss it with him.


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## 31done

TJW said:


> What to do is what YOU want.
> What he wants is irrelevant.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes. That is precisely what it means. And, it will be worse because of your affair.
> 
> 
> 
> Anxiety medication can help people who have a hard time dealing with life. It is not a diagnosis of any of the mental illnesses which are lumped into "crazy". Anxiety medications are prescribed by trained professional doctors for just that reason, because the doctor sees that the benefits outweigh the risks and side-effects during a specific period of time.
> 
> 
> 
> You kept your nuclear family home together for their sake, and for long enough. 20-year-old people are ADULTS. They SHOULD no longer need their parents. I mean, yes, they may WANT to have parents, and LOVE their parents, but they should not NEED parents. Parenting time is over. They should be capable, in every respect, to make their own decisions and provide for themselves.
> 
> Confessing your affair to your twins may be among the most difficult moments in your life. Try to do it in a way in which they don't "take sides".
> 
> LATER EDIT:
> 
> 
> You will never, ever, not in a million years, after your affair....... convince him that it isn't.......you won't even be able to discuss it with him.


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## LATERILUS79

You are in a difficult situation, but I think it is pretty obvious what you need to do.

so, you haven’t had sex in 15 years with your husband? Did I read that right?

you’re right about one thing: you did the worst thing anyone could ever possibly do to someone else. The worst. I will speak up here about this because I was in a dead bedroom for 16 years - and I never cheated. Had opportunities and never did.

i have sympathy for your dead bedroom. I really do. You are essentially the only kind of wayward spouse I can have some sympathy for because I get it. I understand the hurt behind not feeling loved. Even still, you needed to pull on your big girl pants, go to yo ur husband and tell him, “you either love me or let me go. I won’t live like this anymore”. Took me a long time to get that down, but that is what you needed to do. Once you cheat, it dwarfs all of your husbands glaring terrible mistakes.

you said you both stayed for the kids. Fine. You did that. They are 20. Your job is over. They are adults. He won’t talk to you and will not allow you to reconcile.

time to go. You file for divorce. Who cares if everyone sees you as the “bad guy”? You already are with the cheating. Filing for divorce isn’t going to make you look worse. Time to get this done.


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## 31done

LATERILUS79 said:


> You are in a difficult situation, but I think it is pretty obvious what you need to do.
> 
> so, you haven’t had sex in 15 years with your husband? Did I read that right?
> 
> you’re right about one thing: you did the worst thing anyone could ever possibly do to someone else. The worst. I will speak up here about this because I was in a dead bedroom for 16 years - and I never cheated. Had opportunities and never did.
> 
> i have sympathy for your dead bedroom. I really do. You are essentially the only kind of wayward spouse I can have some sympathy for because I get it. I understand the hurt behind not feeling loved. Even still, you needed to pull on your big girl pants, go to yo ur husband and tell him, “you either love me or let me go. I won’t live like this anymore”. Took me a long time to get that down, but that is what you needed to do. Once you cheat, it dwarfs all of your husbands glaring terrible mistakes.
> 
> you said you both stayed for the kids. Fine. You did that. They are 20. Your job is over. They are adults. He won’t talk to you and will not allow you to reconcile.
> 
> time to go. You file for divorce. Who cares if everyone sees you as the “bad guy”? You already are with the cheating. Filing for divorce isn’t going to make you look worse. Time to get this done.


Yes. No sex or intimacy in 15 years. And you are right. In everything you said. I know what I need to do. Can I ask how yours turned out after you talked to your husband. Did he love you or let you go? I regret every day not having that conversation with my husband. I wasn’t thinking at all.


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## LATERILUS79

31done said:


> Yes. No sex or intimacy in 15 years. And you are right. In everything you said. I know what I need to do. Can I ask how yours turned out after you talked to your husband. Did he love you or let you go? I regret every day not having that conversation with my husband. I wasn’t thinking at all.


Lol. I’m a man. My wife and I were able to fix our marriage. We are currently still working on many things - but we don’t have infidelity to overcome. I can tell you without a doubt, that would end the marriage. There would be no discussion. I’d file the first day available.

your husband sounds like he isn’t moving on anything to punish you. I can’t blame him. If my wife cheated on me, I would punish her emotionally. I would put her in a situation where I would want her to give up. I would have to leave to prevent myself from doing that. I think this is what your husband is doing. He is punishing you.

you can either keep accepting this punishment and hope he comes back to you….. so that you can go right back to your dead bedroom, or you can file for divorce and accept that you will lose some friends, you will need to repair your relationship with your children. However, you will be free to pursue happiness.


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## SunCMars

I get it.
I do.


I get what you have done, and have sympathy for your loneliness.

What's done is done, and you have accepted your due, your shame and your punishment.

You need to get past this.

Do what you should have done in the first place.
Divorce.

You could wait him out, as his health condition puts him at risk for an early death.

Prior, to that happening, he will likely become very sick, suffer organ disease and failure, maybe lose toes, maybe feet.

Do you want to witness his slow demise?

Modern medicine can do wonders, nowadays. It may be years before he passes.
How morose and callous I am, for writing this.
So sorry.

But, your infidelity laid waste to your vows and marriage.

I would go through with the divorce, and continue to help him as a single woman.

If he allows this.
He may not.
You will feel his anger and wrath...forever.

Life is hard, and gets no easier with age.

There is no easy solution to this.
It requires you to make a hard choice, and some would say, a selfish choice.

You have but one life to live.

You foolishly burned the bridge, ugh, just live on the other side.

Don't swim back.

You are healthy, he is not.

I get it.
I do.


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## 31done

TJW said:


> What to do is what YOU want.
> What he wants is irrelevant.
> 
> 
> 
> Yes. That is precisely what it means. And, it will be worse because of your affair.
> 
> 
> 
> Anxiety medication can help people who have a hard time dealing with life. It is not a diagnosis of any of the mental illnesses which are lumped into "crazy". Anxiety medications are prescribed by trained professional doctors for just that reason, because the doctor sees that the benefits outweigh the risks and side-effects during a specific period of time.
> 
> 
> 
> You kept your nuclear family home together for their sake, and for long enough. 20-year-old people are ADULTS. They SHOULD no longer need their parents. I mean, yes, they may WANT to have parents, and LOVE their parents, but they should not NEED parents. Parenting time is over. They should be capable, in every respect, to make their own decisions and provide for themselves.
> 
> Confessing your affair to your twins may be among the most difficult moments in your life. Try to do it in a way in which they don't "take sides".
> 
> LATER EDIT:
> 
> 
> You will never, ever, not in a million years, after your affair....... convince him that it isn't.......you won't even be able to discuss it with him.


Men think it is all about the sex. That is not the case with me and most women from what I understand from my counselor. My husband is so black and white and NO in between. I am fighting a losing battle aren’t I?


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## LATERILUS79

31done said:


> Men think it is all about the sex. That is not the case with me and most women from what I understand from my counselor. My husband is so black and white and NO in between. I am fighting a losing battle aren’t I?


You are going against the average

In MOST cases, women are the gatekeepers of sex. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment. Women give sex for love, men give love for sex. 

Even though your situation was reversed, men are still only going to see the sex part. I'm pretty sure (with a lot of counseling) that I could get over my wife having an emotional affair. Physical affair and it is OVER. No discussion. There's no reason to. If she touches another penis with any part of her body, it's over. There is no coming back from that for me.


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## TJW

31done said:


> I am fighting a losing battle aren’t I?


No, you are fighting a battle you ALREADY lost 15 years ago. The blame for this lies with both of you. You for not making your feelings known, your husband for not seeking medical help and managing his diabetes. @SunCMars has it exactly right. Just get on with it. You stayed for your kids, your kids no longer need you to stay.

Avoid what is going to be a "life sentence" for you. Move on. The best thing you can do for your husband is leave him alone.


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## D0nnivain

There is a lot wrong in here but you can't fix it by yourself If he won't communicate & he won't work with you to try to heal your marriage, divorce may be your only option.


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## 31done

TJW said:


> No, you are fighting a battle you ALREADY lost 15 years ago. The blame for this lies with both of you. You for not making your feelings known, your husband for not seeking medical help and managing his diabetes. @SunCMars has it exactly right. Just get on with it. You stayed for your kids, your kids no longer need you to stay.
> 
> Avoid what is going to be a "life sentence" for you. Move on. The best thing you can do for your husband is leave him alone.


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## 31done

[/The best thing you can do for your husband is leave him alone. Why do you say that? Just want to understand your perspective.


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## This too shell pass

31done said:


> I have been married 31 years. Raised 2 beautiful twins that will soon be 20. For the last 15 years, I have had no love, intimacy or sex with my spouse. I listed sex last I just want to be held, touched and lovedI. I have dedicated my life to my marriage and my kids until February of this year. I made the terrible decision to have a brief affair and got caught. I know it was the worst thing I could have done. I should have communicated better, my feelings and needs. My spouse has type 2 diabetes but never communicated how bad his numbers were. Every time I tried to get close, he pushed me away. I didn’t know why. He has had ED. He bases all this on sexual performance and me wanting sex when in actuality I wanted to feel loved instead of being just a roommate. I have been in counseling, to confession, I have been working hard to explain and try and make this work. He refuses counseling and won’t talk to anyone. Much verbal abuse and gas lighting. I stand and take it, but I am wearing down. I get that infidelity is the worst thing I could have done. I really think it is time for a divorce. He won’t answer when I ask. I just get the verbal abuse. I just want to be happy. What do I do?


Sucks you had an affair back to that in a bit. When a man gets aroused blood rushes to his parts making it rise. With Diabetes it restricts the flow so he won't get an erection that my be a problem. Add that he busted you having an affair and imagining another man on you> its hard to want to have sex....


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## 31done

This too shell pass said:


> Sucks you had an affair back to that in a bit. When a man gets aroused blood rushes to his parts making it rise. With Diabetes it restricts the flow so he won't get an erection that my be a problem. Add that he busted you having an affair and imagining another man on you> its hard to want to have sex....


I understand that. I honestly do.


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## SunCMars

What you did was wrong, this getting together with another man.
But, only because you were married.

Think about that.
Think, long and hard.

It was not so much the act, it was the circumstances of your life.
Circumstances that did not allow you to evolve to a better place.

We all deserve to be happy.
We should all strive for that.

Do so, wisely, in the future.
Be happy, going forward.

Divorce, find that comfort and love without finding, meeting any more regrets.
If you stay married, it will more of the same, more of the shame heaped upon you.


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## 31done

31done said:


> I understand that. I honestly do.


But it is not about the sex. I have said that before. Just because you have type 2 diabetes and can’t get or hold an erection doesn’t mean you can’t love and show love in other ways. I admit we are both bad at communication. He should have communicated what was going on and I should have asked more questions and been honest.


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## 31done

This too shell pass said:


> Sucks you had an affair back to that in a bit. When a man gets aroused blood rushes to his parts making it rise. With Diabetes it restricts the flow so he won't get an erection that my be a problem. Add that he busted you having an affair and imagining another man on you> its hard to want to have sex....


But it is not about the sex. I have said that before. Just because you have type 2 diabetes and can’t get or hold an erection doesn’t mean you can’t love and show love in other ways. I admit we are both bad at communication. He should have communicated what was going on and I should have asked more questions and been honest.


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## LATERILUS79

31done said:


> But it is not about the sex. I have said that before. Just because you have type 2 diabetes and can’t get or hold an erection doesn’t mean you can’t love and show love in other ways. I admit we are both bad at communication. He should have communicated what was going on and I should have asked more questions and been honest.


But you didn't go to ask another man to hold you or cuddle you. You went to another man for sex. This makes it more difficult for me to believe that "cuddling" would have sufficed.

Dont get me wrong, cuddling would NOT suffice for me, but I'm asking you to be honest with yourself. Would cuddling actually be good enough for you if that is all your husband would give? 

Look, I despise cheating with a passion. It is the absolute worst thing a spouse can do, but I can't help but have have soft spot in my heart for waywards who deal with a dead bedroom. God, I GET IT. I've been there. It is a HORRIBLE feeling. The depression. The extreme suffering in silence. The pure selfishness of the low libido partner. I think being in a dead bedroom is a close second place to cheating as the worst thing a spouse can do..... but you did go there and cheat. 

The best thing you can do is apologize and move on with your life. Divorce and find someone new. You will be miserable the rest of your life I you stay with your husband apologizing to him day after day while nothing in your marriage gets better. You'll just be living with crippling guilt along with your dead bedroom.


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## Openminded

My guess is that even if you had only really wanted cuddling or affection from the OM, the payment for that would still be sex so once you made the decision to be with someone else that’s what it was going to be about. Your husband might be able to forgive you more easily if it had been emotional but to know it was physical, when he’s incapable, is another story. Sex is the standard by which men judge themselves. To be incapable is as bad as it gets. They aren’t generally interested in cuddling or affection unless it will lead to sex at some point. If you don’t feel that your marriage can work then maybe it’s time to move on. I stayed in a very long marriage for decades after I should have gotten out (for different reasons than yours) and I don’t recommend that life.


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## Openminded

P.S.
He apparently doesn’t want a divorce (likely many reasons for that) but it takes years to recover from infidelity and anger is a big part of the process.


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## Taxman

I have a worst case scenario. I am part of a group of men with Type 2 diabetes. We meet to discuss ways of reducing our dependence on insulin and other means to control our blood sugar. One member of our group was betrayed by his wife. Apparently he ignored his condition, until she stepped out on him. Over the course of six months, this guy got regulated, and through a Keto diet, dropped a precipitous amount of weight. He became everything that his wife ever wanted. He rewarded her. He gave her a divorce, then exposed her and her AP. She thought he was getting into shape for her but as it turns out, he lavished the new body and attitude on a new woman. The ex is real bitter. She said while he was losing the weight that she was the impetus. Too bad that it was her affair that was the impetus. Her ex, and his new wife are expecting. WW curses herself regularly. When it gets out that the new wife is expecting, a good number of people look at the WW, and say, "I thought he could not get it up, guess he just could not get it up for you."


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## LATERILUS79

I come here for the Taxman.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

31done said:


> But it is not about the sex. I have said that before. Just because you have type 2 diabetes and can’t get or hold an erection doesn’t mean you can’t love and show love in other ways. I admit we are both bad at communication. He should have communicated what was going on and I should have asked more questions and been honest.


To him it's about the sex with OM. Do not doubt it.

It sounds like you two have grown too far apart to recover, but only you and he know for sure.


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## Erudite

You cheated. Full stop. You apologized, given yourself absolution. Guess what? Your husband is under no obligation to forgive you. Ever. Meanwhile you are guilt tripping him over his health, because he won't cuddle you? You should get a divorce. If yoiu were really sorry you would let him go. Let him find a good woman who motivates him to be a better person, rather than be with someone who he will never trust again.


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## Luckylucky

Taxman said:


> I have a worst case scenario. I am part of a group of men with Type 2 diabetes. We meet to discuss ways of reducing our dependence on insulin and other means to control our blood sugar. One member of our group was betrayed by his wife. Apparently he ignored his condition, until she stepped out on him. Over the course of six months, this guy got regulated, and through a Keto diet, dropped a precipitous amount of weight. He became everything that his wife ever wanted. He rewarded her. He gave her a divorce, then exposed her and her AP. She thought he was getting into shape for her but as it turns out, he lavished the new body and attitude on a new woman. The ex is real bitter. She said while he was losing the weight that she was the impetus. Too bad that it was her affair that was the impetus. Her ex, and his new wife are expecting. WW curses herself regularly. When it gets out that the new wife is expecting, a good number of people look at the WW, and say, "I thought he could not get it up, guess he just could not get it up for you."


It’s a good story, in one way. 

But why did he punish his wife by not being that amazing man for HER! I don’t think she’s bitter that he got a new woman, more likely angry and heartbroken, because she would have been begging him for a long time to make those improvements. It seems cruel and nasty to be this way, and then flip a switch and gloat about it. Yes this sounds like a big team of boys gloating. 

I am aware of many marriages where one spouse punishes, yes punishes another spouse by deliberately withholding love, sex, care, compassion, and more. Because they don’t really like them. But here’s the secret: they’re not going to divorce them, oh no. They’re proud people filled with shame, and they’re abusive. Yes, abusive. They’re not going to dress nicely, lose weight, cuddle their spouse when they need it. They deliberately won’t engage in their partner’s hobbies, they will not actively participate in their partner’s lives. And the kicker? They won’t let that partner get a divorce. 

This one for example. 15 years!! She would have been screaming at him to do something… and yet he quietly sat around and did nothing. Not even give her a divorce. These partners are particularly good at transferring the shame onto the other partner. Because if they dare let the partner get away… everyone might know the truth of who they really are behind closed doors. So the partner in hell tries everything to be better, lives with the shame of ‘this person doesn’t want me, this person doesn’t want this marriage, so it must be all my fault’. 

Like your friend, in a way. Didn’t take care of his health or diabetes, probably wasn’t having sex. Ahhhh but now he can do all of this! 

I’m not going to comment on your infidelity, you come across as a woman who has done everything in your power to try and be a good wife. And I can be confident you yourself took the steps to seek confession, counselling, and once again fix a problem that IS ALL HIM. 

He could have taken his medications, he could have seen doctors about his ED, Diabetes, anxiety etc. Heck, he could have been even better and said, ‘I’m not attracted to you at all, I don’t want to have sex with you, in fact I don’t like you at all and here are the divorce papers. Sign them, I’ve organised a lawyer, I’ve seen a doctor/counsellor/therapist and this is done’. 

But he didn’t. Because he didn’t want you telling anyone the truth: that you’re married to a liar, a coward, a man who couldn’t get an erection and didn’t like sex with you. 

Yes, he’s imagined you in a group of women, a health group, or a social group of some kind, a dinner with your extended family. Telling the story and gloating about what a dud of a husband he was in bed. Much like the man in taxman’s story.


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## oldshirt

@31done 

I don’t know if you are still following this discussion, but if you are, please understand that many of the people here on this site came here because they were the ones that got cheated on despite their honest efforts to be a good partner. 

So they are understandably pretty sensitive towards adultery and tend to identify more with the BS regardless of individual circumstances.

The way I see it is if someone rejects and denies their partner and refuses to address the issue or even tries to meet their partners needs, they tear up their spouse card and waive their right to their partners sexual exclusivity. 

If your husband refuses to lay a finger on you and give you lovins to the best of his ability and refuses to face and address the issues FOR FIFTEEN YEARS! Then he needs to shut his pie hole and kiss your feet for not dumping his azz 14 years ago like you should have.

Your mistake here was not being human and needing human touch and affection.

Your mistake was putting up with his crap for so long. 

IMHO someone that rejects and denies their partner and refuses to even try to meet their needs, does not deserve to even have a partner. 

This is on him. 

Tell your H to shut his pie hole and fix you a sammich for putting up with him for this long. 

And tell your priest to keep his hands off of kids and accept that human beings have some basic needs for love and affection.


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## LisaDiane

Taxman said:


> I have a worst case scenario. I am part of a group of men with Type 2 diabetes. We meet to discuss ways of reducing our dependence on insulin and other means to control our blood sugar.* One member of our group was betrayed by his wife. Apparently he ignored his condition, until she stepped out on him. *Over the course of six months, this guy got regulated, and through a Keto diet, dropped a precipitous amount of weight. He became everything that his wife ever wanted. He rewarded her. He gave her a divorce, then exposed her and her AP. She thought he was getting into shape for her but as it turns out, he lavished the new body and attitude on a new woman. The ex is real bitter. She said while he was losing the weight that she was the impetus. Too bad that it was her affair that was the impetus. Her ex, and his new wife are expecting. WW curses herself regularly. When it gets out that the new wife is expecting, a good number of people look at the WW, and say, "I thought he could not get it up, guess he just could not get it up for you."


She shouldn't have stepped out on him, she should have LEFT HIM FIRST.


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