# Husband wants to date a transgender



## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

My husband and I separated over 2 months ago and he just announced he wants to date a transgender. A man who is in the process of becoming a female. Or.... he wants to date an Effeminate male. So obviously, I filed for divorce. 
This was all about 4 years in the making, but I just recently was told (by him at our therapists office) that he now thinks he might be gay... but his attraction is towards those types of men. 

Honestly... I don't know where to go from here. I was just dealing with the loss of my marriage of 9 years... and the separation.... and becoming a single mom to two amazing kids. 

I don't even know how to feel... how to act.... I just know I'm so sad. How could I have not seen the signs? He's so damn happy not having any responsibilities and renting a room from a friend. 

Anyone go through something similar? He's just so willing to get on with his life and sign divorce papers. I'm still struggling.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I am sorry. What a blow!

Personally, I would never talk to him again. He can be gay all he likes. But to marry and completely total another human being is unacceptable.

Nobody has to act on their sexuality.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I am sorry. What a blow!
> 
> Personally, I would never talk to him again. He can be gay all he likes. But to marry and completely total another human being is unacceptable.
> 
> ...



IF I didn't have kids, I would have an easier time doing that. But my kids are only 5 and 15 months... and love their dad. I just don't know how to process. This had nothing to do with me or the kids.... just something brewing inside him that is making him unable to cope or deal with real life. He wants NO responsibilities. 
It's so sad. I just keep thinking ahead to what he will do with his life and how my kids will be affected and it makes me sick to my stomach. 

He's happy... almost joyful... now.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Lucky for him, the world is chock full of effeminate males. If ever there was a target-saturated environment! A guy who wants no responsibilities? Lots of those around, too. I am very sorry you're having to deal with this.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I'm sure it's a shock and has you wondering how you didn't see it. It's not your fault, of course.

My best female friend from high school (we dated briefly) married and had two kids. Then, after 25 years of marriage, she realized she was a lesbian, left her husband, and has had a series of lesbian relationships. She's happier now, but is also motivated, responsible, and successful. I'll probably see her in a couple of months when I visit family in that area.

Her ex - after a brief period of shock - moved on and met a lovely woman who is still (as far as I know) heterosexual.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Lucky for him, the world is chock full of effeminate males. If ever there was a target-saturated environment! A guy who wants no responsibilities? Lots of those around, too. I am very sorry you're having to deal with this.


Thanks, Unbelievable. It is unbelievable to me that he just doesn't care. That's been the hardest part I think. He tells his family that we just grew apart, when he's lying. He's just afraid to tell him that he might be gay. A cross dressing homosexual. Geez... I did not see that coming and I DO NOT WANT IT IN MY LIFE. 

Obviously, I don't have a choice. I should probably get some therapy. I need to raise my kids to love their dad in spite of what he's becoming. That will be the hardest part.


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## Sparky70 (Jun 12, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> I'm sure it's a shock and has you wondering how you didn't see it. It's not your fault, of course.
> 
> My best female friend from high school (we dated briefly) married and had two kids. Then, after 25 years of marriage, she realized she was a lesbian, left her husband, and has had a series of lesbian relationships. She's happier now, but is also motivated, responsible, and successful. I'll probably see her in a couple of months when I visit family in that area.
> 
> Her ex - after a brief period of shock - moved on and met a lovely woman who is still (as far as I know) heterosexual.


Thanks, Married. I know in my head it's not my fault, but my heart still tells me that maybe if I had done something different. Ugh. I feel like I wasted so many years not being his number one. I have 2 beautiful kids... and that's what I'm focusing on, but I feel robbed, too. It's just a fine line between wanting to punch him and wanting to hug him and want only the best for him. I hope I can be the better person. 

At least his is happening now when I'm 43 and not in 15 more years. I still have a chance to find love again and be someones #1.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Just remember: this is about HIM discovering who he really is. It really has nothing to do with you. It's not your fault you were born with lady bits, and he's only realizing now that he likes man bits.

I've never been married to a guy who turned out to be gay, but I've dated two guys (not at the same time!) who broke up with me and who came out of the closet very shortly thereafter (one of whom is now trans and living as a woman!). Both are now dear friends, and they credit me for helping them come out of the closet. (Um, OK... thanks???) 

I know it's hard to process right now, but this is NOT a rejection of you. And he's dealing with a lot right now, too. If he's only realizing this now, he's probably dealing with a lot of shame issues and whatnot. Heavy stuff. You say that he doesn't care, but I think he might be overwhelmed by everything that's happening right now. 

You haven't said in this thread what kind of father he was before you two separated. If he was a good, loving father before, I think that he can be such again, once the initial shock of this revelation wears off. 

Most of my gay friends, once they came out of the closet, all had a period of time where they just went a little crazy. They acted out like the stereotypical effeminate gay man, went out drinking/partying a lot, and messed around with a lot of boys. Why? Because they had spent their entire lives pretending to be what they thought everyone else wanted them to be; when they were finally free to be who they really were, they realized they didn't know who that was. So they had to try on a whole bunch of different things to figure out who exactly they were, now that they weren't straight. After a while, nearly all of them settled back into being pretty much who they were before, except now they date men.

So, if he was a devoted dad before, I think he will be again. You just have to be patient with him, and empathetic. He obviously hasn't come out to his family yet, so this process may take a long time.

If you can be the bigger person, you might want to reach out to him and offer your support to him. You might get some support from him in return - and it sounds like you need it. You'll clearly never be romantic partners again, but you could have a very good friendship when all this is over. I know it seems impossible now, but I know of other couples who've been in the same situation and have been able to do just that.

Good luck


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> I am sorry. What a blow!
> 
> Personally, I would never talk to him again. He can be gay all he likes. But to marry and completely total another human being is unacceptable.
> 
> ...


Wow. That's harsh.

No one has to act on their sexuality? Ok.

Granted he will probably regret how he's handling this...he has every right to be honest about his sexuality and not make his wife live a life that isn't real (if he's truly gay).

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. While he may be "happy without responsibility"...make him deal with responsibilities. Time with the kids, child support. Will he discuss that? If not, go through the courts.

This sucks for you and the kids...this man has lied for years (he probably suspected he was gay for a long while, if he didn't outright know). My heart goes out to you because it is huge betrayal.

I hope you guys can come to some understanding of duties and stuff. That part of it is truly no fun.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sparky70 said:


> IF I didn't have kids, I would have an easier time doing that. But my kids are only 5 and 15 months... and love their dad. I just don't know how to process. This had nothing to do with me or the kids.... just something brewing inside him that is making him unable to cope or deal with real life. He wants NO responsibilities.
> It's so sad. I just keep thinking ahead to what he will do with his life and how my kids will be affected and it makes me sick to my stomach.
> 
> He's happy... almost joyful... now.


Well, the government has other ideas for what he "wants". Child support is a must. Sorry dude. Gay or not, people take care of their kids.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Sparky70 said:


> ...I know in my head it's not my fault, but my heart still tells me that maybe if I had done something different. ....


No, it doesn't work that way. There is nothing you could have done to make him straight. If he's gay, he's always been gay...he has been in the closet. If you are in your forties, I assume he is too...it was not easy to "come out" for your generation, but it is much easier now.

He is still a father to your kids and you can't deny him anything in that respect. You will have to learn to adjust to this and share custody with him...the children need their father in their life. If he really wants no responsibilities, including the kids then that is a big problem. It may just be the initial freedom from being in the closet that has him coming off so carefree. 

I feel sorry for you...wish he had come out before, but at the same time, together you created 2 beautiful children so that is something very special. So ya, in a way you were robbed of the "ideal hetero marriage", but you scored with 2 wonderful children.

I would talk to him about how he is painting the picture of you guys "growing apart", and how that upsets you. Let him know that you won't live a lie and offer him the opportunity to come clean to the families before you do. 

You are still young and desirable to countless men, and you can find love again. Life will be different now, but you will get past this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Right now he's avoiding telling his family and using the 'we grew apart' line. But his family will find out. His children will as well.

He seems to be on a bit of a high right now with all this freedom. He might crash emotionally once its all out in the open and life gets back to a normal grind with him paying child support, taking care of kids sometimes, etc. 

I'd watch out for that crash.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea...the crash. Gay or not, life is life. Relationships are relationships. Take care of YOU. Do what you need to do...you only can control yourself. Time will take care of the rest.


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