# Haunted by horrible things from the past.



## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

In Feb I confronted my wife of 42 years about an incident 25 years ago and convinced her that I couldn’t get by it without knowing specifically what happened that night. It had been eating at me off and on since it happened. She had gone to an event conducted by the business we owned together. I was out of town on other business. I tried calling her that night until about 4 AM and literally got in the car and drove home 7 hours. My wife told me her and an employee had just talked and nothing had happened. When I asked him his only answer was “I should ask my wife.” I fired him on the spot and threw him out. Call it denial, but I could not convince myself I had enough evidence to divorce a wife of 16 years with two young teenage daughters. I got by it until Feb of this year 2011, when I had to ask. She ran upstairs crying and wrote a note and left the house. The note said, they met at a roadside rest after the event which was at a local night club, and she gave him oral sex. I was devastated. I don’t know what I was expecting to hear, but not that. Or if I should believe that was all that happened. This was a 22 year old lower level employee of ours, 14 years younger than her. He went to work for our competitors two months later. This is so crazy, so irresponsible, so reckless she had to be quite drunk. She had an hour drive home and says she had to pull over because she was feeling sick after she left the scene of the oral sex. This was a very smart incredibly attractive women. She could have anything she wanted. I have seen her lose it if she had too much to drink so I try to write it off to drunken stupidity. I can’t tell you how this stretched my imagination into what other thrills she’d found over the course of the year and half I was out of town off and on for a few days to a week at a time and on a couple of occasions for two weeks. She claims she doesn’t know how or why she did it. But, then adds she thought I was fooling around. She never bothered to investigate her suspicions or come to see for herself. She takes all the blame and will not pass any of it off on the employee. I told her he had a responsibility to the boss’s wife and the boss to get her home safely if she was too drunk. This story has been told around this town for the last 25 years and I just found out. We were high profile members of this community in our 30s in a high profile business. She gave herself and me a lasting reputation and left a stink on what was once a real pride.
In July a close friend told me a former best friend was bragging about who he “did” at the business my wife and I owned, the same one in the same year and a half or so time period as the incident I described earlier. After confessing to the oral sex incident I told her I needed to know how bad she was and a polygraph was the only thing that would now convince me. She fessed up to having sex with my friend of ten plus years who also worked for us. This incident had occurred before the oral sex incident. 
Again, I was out of town. She said it was at his house and she doesn’t remember why she went there, was there only about forty minutes, didn’t even get undressed, just took her pants off, it was not good, she knew it was a bad idea and never got that close to him again. He continued to be our friend, stayed at our home, ate at our table for 25 more years. When she confessed I immediately cut off all contact with him as did she. 
So during the course of my business my wife created one epic tale for a 22 year old and anybody he could tell and had sex with a former best friend of mine that is still bragging 25 years later about having sex with her and other women that worked for me. I think about having been humiliated over all these years. It’s crushing.
We have had a wonderful marriage since we left that business. We moved many miles away and started another very successful one that did not promote in clubs and with a small staff and pretty much have been working and living happily side by side ever since. Six years ago we moved back to where, 25 years ago, this all took place. I didn’t know what was waiting for me. It seems that lately it is constantly in my face with people I see that were connected to that business. I am still a recognized person in this area and am in the media frequently with things I do now.
We were 18 when we got married. We have been married 42 years and I say there is no way anybody puts 42 perfect years together...it just doesn’t happen. Bad things will happen and I’m trying to accept and get by this. We were in an entertainment business and were in a lot of bars and clubs then. I can’t help but think what other things she could have possibly done back then, those are terrible benchmarks. She says she’d take the polygraph and that those are the only two incidents and I want to believe her, but trust is obviously damaged. But, I’m not sure I want to know if she fails any of the questions. It’s bad enough now.
I can’t get the hurt and the anger and the images of these things out of my mind. It all happened so long ago yet it feels like it just happened yesterday. I’m haunted every day. I feel broken inside. She took herself off my pedestal and threw herself into my gutter. She showed shocking disrespect for me and everything we had. She says she’s sorry and hates herself for what she did and what she’s done to me. She wants to do anything she can to help me get better and get over this without leaving her. She wanted to tell me then but thought that I would leave her for sure. When I think of my two, then young early teen daughters, I have no idea what I would have done. I can’t imagine allowing them to find out things like this. They have a wonderful relationship with their mother. It would destroy everybody.
This former friend employee and several of his beer drinking buddies are still in the region. He is a text book case of what I read was called the “dark triad”. He is in his late fifties, preys on younger women, was briefly married once, has never had children, can’t hold a job for long, is constantly broke and brags about his sexual triumphs. Ironically, 25 years ago I warned him about messing around with married women and the wrath of angry husbands when he was having sex with a banker’s wife when her husband was out of town! He would go into great detail of his little trysts. It makes me ill to think of what he has been saying for all these years about my wife and wonder if there is any way to shut him up. The other incident has become company lore when the right bunch of former employees gets together. It’s horrible...I don’t know what words to use to describe it. 25 years later I feel trapped by time and have no options other than to surrender. I’ve been had and there is nothing I can do to undo, go back or get any kind of closure to any of this. It is hard for me to imagine there isn’t more yet, I don’t want to know anymore and I don’t want to leave my wife. Our marriage has been great for many years. It is heartbreaking I get this dumped on me now. I really don’t know where to put it and get rid of it, to deal with the humiliation and the constant pain.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

I am sure your pain over your wife's betrayal is as fresh ad if she did those acts this last weekend. God, you must second guessing your marriage and the last 25+ years. Whatever you decide to do you have to remember that your wife has had over 25 years to process her betrayal. Her reactions to your conversations, arguments, and other interactions both good and bad may not be the norm that you see here on TAM. Your raw emotions are valid, you can not simply get over her betrayal at the snap of the fingers like some may advise.

Good Luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

At your age 25 years doesn't seem that long ago, so this is not a past distant thing, but a now thing.

I don't know how you can get past it with your wife, sorry, but if it was me I would need some real time apart from her to get over my anger and betrayal.

As for the community, I sucked move away. She has made your family humiliated laughing stocks that people are still gossiping about 25 years later.

Maybe you could leave her there to enjoy the fruits of her cheating, and you can move someplace warm and nice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> I can’t get the hurt and the anger and the images of these things out of my mind.* It all happened so long ago yet it feels like it just happened yesterday. I’m haunted every day. I feel broken inside.* She took herself off my pedestal and threw herself into my gutter. She showed shocking disrespect for me and everything we had. She says she’s sorry and hates herself for what she did and what she’s done to me. She wants to do anything she can to help me get better and get over this without leaving her. She wanted to tell me then but thought that I would leave her for sure. When I think of my two, then young early teen daughters, I have no idea what I would have done. I can’t imagine allowing them to find out things like this. They have a wonderful relationship with their mother. It would destroy everybody.


Your wife seems to have been a habitual or a serial cheater.

It feels like yesterday because that's when you found out for sure. So, now you know. The question is what do you want to do?

Why not take a few days or weeks to think about it? 

In the meantime, start by securing or hiding any assets you have. Secure yourself financially.

Then after you are secured financially, move somewhere alone where you can think. Go quiet with your wife while you're thinking.

Consider this. You are now 60 years old. You still have a good 20 or more years that you can use to try or do something that you had thought about but the time was never quite right. Why not do them now?

Then consider if you want or need your unfaithful wife with no self-respect or respect for you.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> ...
> 
> It’s horrible...I don’t know what words to use to describe it. 25 years later *I feel trapped by time and have no options other than to surrender.* I’ve been had and there is nothing I can do to undo, go back or get any kind of closure to any of this. It is hard for me to imagine there isn’t more yet, I don’t want to know anymore and I don’t want to leave my wife. Our marriage has been great for many years. It is heartbreaking I get this dumped on me now. I really don’t know where to put it and get rid of it, to deal with the humiliation and the constant pain.


Time traps no one unless you're on your deathbed. You have numerous options open to you in your life. Dont be afraid. Explore.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

For the last 20 plus years the opportunity for her to cheat has been nil. we are together most of the time including trips. Since this came to light we have open access to each others emails and FB account. Trust cuts both ways. We hide nothing. I spent a number of days and nights in a nearby resort community off and on this fall just to get some space and find some distractions. I expected an answer or two that would suggest to move away, but that to me is just a gutless exit. I love this place and won't allow this to force me out. I am trying to convince myself that the truth is, a very small fraction of people in this area knows anything about what happened so long ago. Nor could it be a hot ongoing topic, it's more in my head, my brain still needs to get that into focus. I don't think my wife had a clue how much this would hurt me. But as calif hope said, she has had time to process what she did. She is genuinly remoseful and hurt by how hard it has hit me. Had I found out at the time these things happened it would have been a no brainer. I could not have stayed with her. But, now after another 25 years of darn near perfect there is nothing to gain by leaving and resurrecting this for that purpose just makes me out to be the bad guy no matter how you try to spin it. I also consider the cost to others, my daughters especially, for my belated reaction. It just doesn't seem to compute to leaving. We were in business together for years, everything is in both out names and neither of us have any reason to not financial trust the other. No grabbing and hiding neccessary. There would be no purpose to vindictive actions in any case. So I'm trying to just plain foreget it. Leave it in the dead past where it should have stayed and remember to not ask questions about crap that happened long ago. I may not like the answers.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Do you love her?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Trying to bury the feelings a just go on will result in resentment and down the road ,anger triggered by seemingly random stuff.

Have you considered a therapist or reading books for betrayed spouses?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

The pain of a BS starts on D-Day. On each subsequent D-Day, the pain starts over again - that's why trickle truth is so bad.

If your pain is still this deep after a July 2nd D-Day, I have to wonder if she's truly demonstrating remorse...


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Oldpainshurt.

Your story almost is identical to mine. Married young. Kids early on.
Almost 40 years married. And I am having problems dealing with this doubt about a time in our life from twenty years ago. Mine hasn't gone beyond the nagging doubt that I just can't seem to get rid of. I haven't had "the talk" yet.

No advice here. Just want you to know that you are not alone. I honestly do not know what I would do if my doubts turn out to be true.

One question. Did you try to address these suspicions with her prior the this?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I have come to the following conclusion.

Wife + alcohol - husband = trouble


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You can bluff a polygraph but what would you gain but more heartbreak?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Apparently she is very good at lying to you. She does sound like a serial cheater. Don't be so sure that there have not been others.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> But, now after another 25 years of darn near perfect there is nothing to gain by leaving and resurrecting this for that purpose just makes me out to be the bad guy no matter how you try to spin it. .


But now, after another 25 years of darn near perfect ... except that the darn near perfect spouse was keeping an incredibly painful secret from you every day of those 25 years. Its hard to believe she didn't think about it almost every day, so why not have darn near perfect with no secrets? The past is the past, but there is other ways of looking at this. Some people really believe that a close marriage has no place for secrets. I think the real problem could be, even stronger than the shame, is just never being able to trust her story because she is fully capable of keeping the truth from you for a very long time.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sandc said:


> Do you love her?


The answer is obvious.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> I have come to the following conclusion.
> 
> Wife + alcohol - husband = trouble


Exactly why GNO/BNOs are so underated as bing death to a relationship.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MissEmma said:


> Frankly you sound more concerned with your image than anything else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now thats cold.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> The answer is obvious.


No offense but I'm asking the original poster, not you. Depending on the answer he gives the path to him ought to be pretty clear.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

sandc said:


> No offense but I'm asking the original poster, not you. Depending on the answer he gives the path to him ought to be pretty clear.


No worries. None taken.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> No worries. None taken.


Thank you. I can come across a little terse at times and it's completely unintentional.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

sandc said:


> Thank you. I can come across a little terse at times and it's completely unintentional.


written words are often misinturpreted. Nobody here will offend me so don't worry about that, but thank you so much for you comments and concern. Yes, I guess it is obvious and yes I do love her deeply. I always have. She's so deep within me I don't think I could ever get her out no matter how hard I tried. I would rip my heart out with it.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

MissEmma said:


> Frankly you sound more concerned with your image than anything else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There may be an element of truth to that, but is that so wrong. My name appears in the local news at least a half a dozen times a year, I do public speaking engagments monthly and have several hundred former emplyees that worked for us in this region. I look at each of these mentions as another opportunity for someone to talk about MY WIFE. And I don't want people talking about my wife. She made some serious mistakes and she herself now relizes how SHE has been trashed because of what she did. What can I say...I feel incredibly humiliated and my selfrespect has been destroyed. these are the things I need to get together and deal with. I think.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> I have come to the following conclusion.
> 
> Wife + alcohol - husband = trouble


I am so trying to not read too much into her random reckless acts. In fact so reckless that I do tend to lean toward this exact equation. She gets quite uninhibited with enough booze and sometimes the simple reason seems too simple. But, then I think about how many times she had a few drinks with the girls after work and I don't want to think about that anymore. I really need to just stop thinking...ya know what I mean? There was no affair of the heart here. It was just raw cheating sex...I'm trying to classify that at a lower level of cheating than a true other lover. She never stopped loving me...she just lost it and lost her self-respect and reputation in the process. Those I can't get back for her either.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Halien said:


> But now, after another 25 years of darn near perfect ... except that the darn near perfect spouse was keeping an incredibly painful secret from you every day of those 25 years. Its hard to believe she didn't think about it almost every day, so why not have darn near perfect with no secrets? The past is the past, but there is other ways of looking at this. Some people really believe that a close marriage has no place for secrets. I think the real problem could be, even stronger than the shame, is just never being able to trust her story because she is fully capable of keeping the truth from you for a very long time.


you express my feeling well...those are facts...so what do you do about them? I can feel that way all you like, but 25 years just blew by and I have to deal with the here and now, and who she is here and now. However, I feel I did not know who she was at all, back then, like there was another person I could never talk to.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

In some ways this is more painful than if you faced it together. In this case she has had all these years to come to terms with it. Your friends will probably tell you that it was so long ago that you should just forget it. Even those others who knew about it speak of it in the past tense. But for you it just happened. You must be feeling very isolated trying to deal with this all alone. Your wife must be made to understand that she needs to treat this as if it happened in the present day. She needs to be open and honest about everything and she needs to tell you as much as you want to know. If you feel that she should take a polygraph then she should agree. She needs to do whatever if takes for you to feel comfortable again. She needs to rebuild your trust in her just as if she broke it yesterday. Nothing less will allow you to effectively move past this without doubting and resenting her. I would strongly consider you both going to marriage counseling and make sure the counselor specializes in infidelity issues.

Good luck my friend and I'm sorry you are experiencing this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

MissEmma said:


> I guess the reason you worrying about YOUR reputation is that I wasn't even 12 hours into 5 day when I overdosed and drank myself into a coma. My H decided the first priority was to call his friends in law enforcement and city management and make sure everything was suppressed from public record to protect his reputation. It was all about him. He is much like you. Very public. High profile.
> 
> I think you want to punish your wife for tarnishing your reputation.
> 
> ...


With all respect I don't get that feeling at all from the OP. I can understand him feeling that people are talking about him and viewing him in a negative light. This happened 25 years ago and he feels everyone knew but kept it from him. I don't think this is about his reputation so much as his manhood. After all, isn't that why we recommend sometimes that the BS confront the OMW? To reclaim his manhood and dignity? In this case the OP cannot do that since it happened so long ago. Therefore he feels like he has no way to reclaim his dignity. I think that makes it more difficult.

All I can recommend is that when dealing with this issue remember how good the last 25 years have been. The wife has kept this secret guilt and carried it alone. Some will say she was selfish and was simply protecting herself and to a certain extent this is correct. But there is a school of thought that the WS should not disclose the affair to the BS because while it will alleviate their guilt it will cause tremendous pain to their loved one. I'm not saying it's correct but it is something that often done.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

TDSC60 said:


> Oldpainshurt.
> 
> Your story almost is identical to mine. Married young. Kids early on.
> Almost 40 years married. And I am having problems dealing with this doubt about a time in our life from twenty years ago. Mine hasn't gone beyond the nagging doubt that I just can't seem to get rid of. I haven't had "the talk" yet.
> ...


In the first instance with the young employee I knew something might have happened and fired the employee. Could not get any thing more and just kept going because it made so little sense at the time. She lied to me then and I could not deal with the lie over the years so I pressed it one night last Feb until she fell apart and confessed. I think she has been genuinly afraid I would leave her if I found out any of these things she confessed to and that in my book is a valid reason...then, she would have been right, I'd have been gone like the wind...now it takes on a completely different perspective and leaving is the last thing I want to do. We accomplished some amazing things together during our life together and never depended on anyone other than ourselves. She will always be my best friend and part of me loves her for her guts to tell me these things that she could have continue to lie about.

I understand completely how you feel. I wish I'd never asked. I should have let it die...the false belief that knowing would somehow give me relief has been quite the opposite and I am still trying to figure out what if anything I have gained from my insistance that she tell me. It was a bad choice. At least that's the way it feels now. It feels like I gave her the gun and asked her to shoot you. And you never quite figure out what you "expected" to hear because what you do hear can be something you never expected.


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## shazam (Nov 7, 2011)

What exactly are you looking for? You don't want to leave her, you've forgiven her. I doubt it happens again because well she's old. Counseling maybe? I mean people probably care about you much less than you think. Were you a laughing stock? Maybe 
Do people talk about how your wife cheated when they see you? maybe. I mean it happened so long ago, and it seems like you knew something was up but just ignored it, so I'm at a loss for what you're really looking for.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You fail to address one very important thing---for the last 25 yrs., your allegedly wonderful mge., has been a LIE.

Your wife came home every night for 25 yrs., looked you square in the eyes, and told you you everything was fine.

She made NO MISTAKE, in what she did---she CHOSE to have sex with 2 or maybe more men. She CHOSE to drink, knowing she loses her control, and that you were not around to keep her safe. She chose not to tell you, she thought you would leave, ---what she actually did, was to take away your right, to make an informed decision, about the reat of your life. Why did she keep your alleged BF, around for all those years, after having sex with him, do you really believe, it was a one-time only thing. Maybe you need to dig into that, cuz if she was really remorseful, and scared of what might happen, she would have figured out a way to delete him from your lives, WHICH SHE DID NOT DO. Real question is how many more times did she have sex with your BF.----I am not trying to be nasty here, I am just relating to your fact pattern, and what basically happens with cheaters. This pattern with your BF, just doesn't fit the one and done!!!!!

She chose let you be ridiculed, in the town where you live, she has chosen to let you be ridiculed for 25 yrs.

You may love this woman, who would have taken her dirty, dark, little secrets to the grave with her, and let you float in the wind, of her, deceit, and lies.

Now, you say, you wish you would have never asked----Isn't it true, that your sub-conscious has known what went on for the last 25 yrs., but your conscious mind, kept it under its thumb., until just recently, when your sub-conscious broke thru, and caused you to finally get to the truth.

Now you must deal with visions, pain, misery, and hurt----you will end your days, with your wife, but it will never be the same!!!!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

oldpains:

Have you noticed a pattern that whenever she does something of this nature she is drinking?

How you have managed to compartmentalize this betrayal I have no idea. I couldn't and I divorced 4 months after DDay when ex would not accept MC. 

I wish you continued strength in whatever course of action you take.

If you suspect a drinking problem, Al-anon might help you.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> ........I can understand him feeling that people are talking about him and viewing him in a negative light. This happened 25 years ago and he feels everyone knew but kept it from him. I don't think this is about his reputation so much as his manhood.....


this is exactly how I feel...there is nobody you can tell this story to, there is now way to get to it...and yes you beleive everybody knew/knows but you...it's terrible.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> In some ways this is more painful than if you faced it together. In this case she has had all these years to come to terms with it. Your friends will probably tell you that it was so long ago that you should just forget it. Even those others who knew about it speak of it in the past tense. But for you it just happened. You must be feeling very isolated trying to deal with this all alone. Your wife must be made to understand that she needs to treat this as if it happened in the present day. She needs to be open and honest about everything and she needs to tell you as much as you want to know. If you feel that she should take a polygraph then she should agree. She needs to do whatever if takes for you to feel comfortable again. She needs to rebuild your trust in her just as if she broke it yesterday. Nothing less will allow you to effectively move past this without doubting and resenting her. I would strongly consider you both going to marriage counseling and make sure the counselor specializes in infidelity issues.
> 
> Good luck my friend and I'm sorry you are experiencing this.


I had an appointment with a counselor but cancelled it because I didn't want to tell this story to anybody face to face that I don't know...I don't even trust the local shrink. here on this forum, nobody knows who I am, nobody knows who she is and I sure don't know who you are other than a inciteful throughtful person that seems to understand what I'm dealing with better than most. Yes, I feel totally isolated dealing with this. Thanks.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Have you considered divorce?


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

jnj express said:


> You fail to address one very important thing---for the last 25 yrs., your allegedly wonderful mge., has been a LIE.
> 
> Your wife came home every night for 25 yrs., looked you square in the eyes, and told you you everything was fine.
> 
> She made NO MISTAKE, in what she did---she CHOSE to have sex with 2 or maybe more men. She CHOSE to drink, knowing she loses her control, and that you were not around to keep her safe. She chose not to tell you, she thought you would leave, ---*what she actually did, was to take away your right, to make an informed decision, about the reat of your life.*......


Sure, I've whipped myself with this one and yes, you do feel cheated out of a choice you may have made differently if you had known at the time...so you would throw the whole mge out the window now? Her choices were certainly her mistakes and you can paint our entire relationship with that brush if you like but, everyday, every moment was not a hell with her. We moved miles from my former BF so there has been no opportunity for years. One close friend I can talk to about this, when I first told them, couldn't believe she told me what she did. "She told you that?!!" I think they were shocked any wife would confess to something like that. It's all been difficult to reconcile in my head for sure. My biggest concern and what I don't want to hear is that I have to leave her in order to regain my sanity...I've read it can come to that sometimes inspite of how much I may love her...that just scares the hell out of me.


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## aeg512 (Mar 22, 2011)

Go ahead and reschedule the appointment with the counselor. Remember, they have heard a whole lot worse! Actually it may not hurt for you and your wife to go together. She really needs to work with you to get you through this.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

aeg512 said:


> Go ahead and reschedule the appointment with the counselor. Remember, they have heard a whole lot worse! Actually it may not hurt for you and your wife to go together. She really needs to work with you to get you through this.


:iagree:


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

To me it appears that you have thought about this deeply. You love your wife and want things to work, and I believe they can after this fresh revelation begins to heal.

What I think you need to determine is this: Do you need to know the extent of the ugly truth if indeed there is more to the story? I.E. if you found out she had random sex with 10 other men after drinking, then would you leave her now, or would it not change anything? If a polygraph could help confirm that no other incidents occurred and that she is being truthful now, would that help you heal faster now? Would you just rather not know any more at all about things that happened in the past or will the not knowing gnaw on you forever? These questions would guide how you proceed with regard to the polygraph test.

Personally, my biggest issue would not be that cheating happened and that it was kept secret for so long, although that is horrible in its own right. I think the fact that the person who had sex with your wife was allowed to remain in your life and eat at your table says some very negative things about both him and your wife. It was humiliating to you in the extreme, and despite above posters snide comments, that is a legitimate emotion. Your wife keeping her image intact was worth much more than your degradation. For 25 years. 

My impression though is that you will be able to get counseling and work through this. Good luck.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> But, then I think about how many times she had a few drinks with the girls after work and I don't want to think about that anymore. I really need to just stop thinking...ya know what I mean? There was no affair of the heart here. It was just raw cheating sex....


Take this for what it is, advice from a hurting BS, nothing more.

I dont think you should stop thinking about it. I think she should be 100% honest with you and tell you everything that has ever happened that she's not wanted to tell you out of fear, guilt, etc, etc. Anything that she has hidden from you.

I dont want to sound mean here but I have to ask. So the fact that she only wanted to have an orgasam with other men (in once case only give another man pleasure) makes it better? 

She was willing to give up everything you two had (you, the kids, house, work, family, friends) just raw cheating sex. If she would have had feelings for the men, would that not make her actions easier to understand?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

I am not suggesting anything---From your writing---you are not going to leave. For seniors to make drastic changes, no that is very hard to do!!!!

What i am saying, is, things will never be the same. Will you have complete trust, i doubt it, even tho I am sure she probably HAS NOT done anything wrong for a long time. But what has happened is that you are now changed. You may not look over your shoulder, but you will think about it. I am sure that you do not think she will ever think about cheating again.

What you have to deal with is the past----You have already decided to leave her alone, as to her past---It is now your sub--conscious you must deal with.

She had her run, with how many guys who REALLY knows, but it is all behind her. You are just starting the merry-go-round.

This is your cross to bear, and unfortunately, it just won't go away. Also unfortunately, you will look at her, and she will trigger you.

Your carefree days are over, your peace of mind is gone---they will be replaced, by visions, brooding, and all types of emotions. It goes with the territory. 

I do hope for your soul that you can get control of your sub--conscious, you have a hard fight ahead of you, and unfortunately it is your fight, to fight alone.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Is it reasonable to ask my wife if she would like to read this forum thread and comment/respond if she would like? I think she could gain a better understanding by reading some of the comments here. Does this make any sense?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

jnj express said:


> I am not suggesting anything---From your writing---you are not going to leave. For seniors to make drastic changes, no that is very hard to do!!!!
> 
> What i am saying, is, things will never be the same. Will you have complete trust, i doubt it, even tho I am sure she probably HAS NOT done anything wrong for a long time. But what has happened is that you are now changed. You may not look over your shoulder, but you will think about it. I am sure that you do not think she will ever think about cheating again.
> 
> ...



So true...


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> Is it reasonable to ask my wife if she would like to read this forum thread and comment/respond if she would like? I think she could gain a better understanding by reading some of the comments here. Does this make any sense?


Do you think she'll be able to handle the harsh treatment she may receive from posters?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

aug said:


> Do you think she'll be able to handle the harsh treatment she may receive from posters?


At least she'll know how he feels and how this type of thing affects the betrayed. It would be harsh but probably eye opening for her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> Is it reasonable to ask my wife if she would like to read this forum thread and comment/respond if she would like? I think she could gain a better understanding by reading some of the comments here. Does this make any sense?


Everyone is welcome, but she may find the people here neither kind or accepting of her,her actions, her choice to both betray and to keep you living in a lie for 25 years.

I also wonder if this wasn't a test admission to see who you would react to finding out all the other things she has done. From your story, everyone around you knew about her being an easy drunk lay. That doesn't happen after only two quickies, that's a reputation that takes a lot more encounters to earn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> Is it reasonable to ask my wife if she would like to read this forum thread and comment/respond if she would like? I think she could gain a better understanding by reading some of the comments here. Does this make any sense?


Many people would rather not know about a drunken ONS. If it happened to me ( in the past) I probably would be in that group, not sure. 

Some posters here seem to be trying to make it worse than it already is. This happens on a lot of threads.

Usually posters are told to not tell thier spouse about this site because the afffair may be on going. 

This is not true in your case. Invite her here. Just warn her some posters can go overboard. It may help her understand why this is so fresh and hurts so bad. She has had time to get over it but you haven't had time to deal.

Whatever you do, take your time.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm still not sure she needs to read this thread. I don't want to tie her to the whipping post either. Many of the things mentioned by others I have talked to her about including the harsh truths and apparent indications that destroy trust and leave her looking like a possible serial cheater. She insists she was not. Another part of me wants to have her see that these are not just one man's imagination and may only be one man's denial. I am quite sure she would not get on here and attempt to defend herself for she knows what she has done is defenseless.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

I have another question you guys. My wife and I discussed sending my former BF the OM a letter expressing her shame and regret and requesting he never contact her or our daughters again. Of course, this is a POS that I described as one of those guys that preys on other men's wives and has a history of it. Brags about it and has no W or children. I slammed the door and blocked both of our FB and emails when this came to light in a knee jerk reaction before either of us could talk to him directly. Niether of us has had any contact with him. This was a ONS and not a lasting affair and I want to believe that. I have told her that was not typical for the POS and that if she let him there once he would have come back for more, but she says she knew it was a bad decision and he never did try again. I was so angry I was certain if I found myself in the same room with him I would have pounded him into the dirt so I deliberatly stay away. Now 4 months after my finding out and 25 years after the incident is it worth sending a POS anything including a sort of No Contact Letter? I have been under the belief that guys like this accept no blame, will only use the opportunity to shame her and I more and that there is nothing to be gained by any contact whatsoever. On the other hand I want him to know that she told me everything, that they have no secrets to keep any longer and that she is humiliated and ashamed by his bragging about doing her 25 years later. I've told her he will probably say I made her send the letter, I was treating her badly, she went to him, whatever makes him out to be the hero good guy and me the bad guy so giving a POS anything new to talk about is a bad idea. So here again I'm torn. I want to lay this on him, I want her to write what she feels. I would like to confront him myself, but I still think it would be hard to maintain my composure and not hit him many times. She also wanted him to unfriend our daughters on FB, however, I told her that would only raise our daughters suspisions of something, and that could go badly. The girls know nothing about this as far as we know and I think it should stay that way. I really want to read him the riot act myself, a group discussion is out, I could not sit there listening without physically reacting and I really don't want to hear them or him for that matter relive what happened that night 25 years ago, that would be stupid. Of what use is that now? I don't know if there is anyway to emotionally trash this BF/OM POS. Any suggestions? It's eating at me tonight!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have your wife write the letter, with your assistance, then read it out loud and finally destroy it.

Many times the act of writing something on paper and reading it out loud, can bring a cathartic relief (A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit).


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Don't send him a letter, he wont give a hoot about you or your wife, and find a way to remove him from your daughters friends list . You may be ashamed to tell them the truth however if both your wife and you sit together and tell them it makes the healing a lot easier.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

You and your wife blocking him on FB should be signal enough that you know.

Also, do you know for sure that your wife "told me everything, that they have no secrets to keep any longer"? She's capable of keeping secrets for quite a while as you know.

Your daughters need to be informed eventually. Because if the rumors were passed around as you mentioned, then your daughters should hear it from you (and your wife?) first before they get hit with it. Would you be surprised if they have heard it already?


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

aug said:


> You and your wife blocking him on FB should be signal enough that you know.
> 
> Also, do you know for sure that your wife "told me everything, that they have no secrets to keep any longer"? She's capable of keeping secrets for quite a while as you know.
> 
> Your daughters need to be informed eventually. Because if the rumors were passed around as you mentioned, then your daughters should hear it from you (and your wife?) first before they get hit with it. Would you be surprised if they have heard it already?


I have been told BF/OM is well aware that I know, I can't imagine telling our daughters. One is just past 40 the other is in her late 30's. Do they really need to me confronted with this? The really sick part of this is I also believe he slept with my oldest daughter when she was in her late teens and he was 30 something, He's a pig..I can't even imagine why I hung around with the piece of garbage. And I don't know what to say to your last question. Would I be surpised? If they don't, do they really need to find out? I don't think so. I sure don't want to go there. I can't image my wife having the courage to them something like that.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

aug said:


> Your daughters need to be informed eventually. Because if the rumors were passed around as you mentioned, then your daughters should hear it from you (and your wife?) first before they get hit with it. Would you be surprised if they have heard it already?


If they already have, they may believe that you may be ignorant of her betrayal and they may be struggling whether to tell you or not. Perhaps a way to approach the subject with them is to ask them if they heard any rumors involving their mother. If they answer yes, you can then tell them "It's an issue your mother and I are aware of and want to keep it between us two and nobody else. Do I make myself clear?"


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Have your wife write the letter, with your assistance, then read it out loud and finally destroy it.
> 
> Many times the act of writing something on paper and reading it out loud, can bring a cathartic relief (A release of emotional tension, as after an overwhelming experience, that restores or refreshes the spirit).


As my former BF, don't I have some license to confront this POS?! It wasn't just my W that violated my trust, he did also. I really want to get in his face for this. At least put him in his place, at the bottom of the garbage pile. How do you deal with this? My anger is overwhelming and there is no release or closure right now. I don't want him to just know. I want him shaking in his boots and praying I never catch up with him in a closed space. Shouldn't he be made to see the pain he has caused to his former BF W and his BF and pay something for that?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You can do whatever you want but I would caution you that if you choose to confront him, that you take with you another male friend to keep you from doing something stupid i.e attacking him physically and being arrested for aggravated assault, or God forbid, homicide. Choose wisely.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

I think you need to pick up and get away from all of this. Your children are fully-grown and should be able to face the reality of this tragedy on their own.

Your wife made her own decisions, and your trying to transfer 100% of the anger and the blame onto your former friend seems to be an act of denial. If I were in your position, I would tell my spouse quite calmly that I wanted to move on and experience a love life that was not a lie, even if it was late in coming. Otherwise I would always wonder if I had only gotten a mock-up. I've known women who continued to "love" their cheating husbands for reasons of past friendship and trials overcome together, but when the wives finally got up the courage to leave, they finally found real love for the first time, and realised that the past relationships were only poor imitations formed by inexperience and immature dependencies.

So I would say move on, and hopefully find someone about whom you have no doubts... living well and fulfilled away from all these self-serving liars will be the best revenge of all.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> You can do whatever you want but I would caution you that if you choose to confront him, that you take with you another male friend to keep you from doing something stupid i.e attacking him physically and being arrested for aggravated assault, or God forbid, homicide. Choose wisely.


This is exactly why I haven't. I understand the cost if I hurt him seriously and I'm sure I could. I would just pay more. It is a no win. I also am anxious about sending him a threatening letter which could get me in trouble. If you can't do anything...where do you put it and how do you deal with knowing he thinks he's some kind of winner in this? He should be amongst the biggest losers! The only satisfaction is knowing his life is a zero, no wife, but once briefly, no kids, friends that he leaches off of, women he has taken for tens of thousands in paying off his hospital bills, he prays on othe women and has really taken a few to the cleaners. One women that paid $50,000 in hospital bills eventually hd to change the locks on her house1 to keep him out. This is a man who is garbage in the nth degree!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Anger is a very healthy short term response for what he did to you and your family but if you feed that anger long term, it will poison your heart and it negatively affect your life and the lives of those closest to you. Believe me, you do not want to become an angry and bitter man. Consider seeking professional counseling for yourself in order to process the ordeal in a healthy fashion.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

susan71 said:


> I think you need to pick up and get away from all of this. Your children are fully-grown and should be able to face the reality of this tragedy on their own.
> 
> Your wife made her own decisions, and your trying to transfer 100% of the anger and the blame onto your former friend seems to be an act of denial. If I were in your position, I would tell my spouse quite calmly that I wanted to move on and experience a love life that was not a lie, even if it was late in coming. Otherwise I would always wonder if I had only gotten a mock-up. I've known women who continued to "love" their cheating husbands for reasons of past friendship and trials overcome together, but when the wives finally got up the courage to leave, they finally found real love for the first time, and realised that the past relationships were only poor imitations formed by inexperience and immature dependencies.
> 
> So I would say move on, and hopefully find someone about whom you have no doubts... living well and fulfilled away from all these self-serving liars will be the best revenge of all.


Is the pain of ending a novel worth one short story? I'm trying my best to give the novel a happy ending. The what if's the shoulda coulda woulda's are just buried in time.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> Anger is a very healthy short term response for what he did to you and your family but if you feed that anger long term, it will poison your heart and it negatively affect your life and the lives of those closest to you. Believe me, you do not want to become an angry and bitter man. Consider seeking professional counseling for yourself in order to process the ordeal in a healthy fashion.


I've been a damn happy guy all my life. This has changed me and I don't like it. I don't like being an angry bitter SOB. And yes it is affecting my W. I just don't know if she is truly remorseful or only tip toeing me past the graveyard of other quickies or worse, or when her sexcapades actually started or ended. She claims there was nothing else but, I'm sure I will never know, only imagine until I forget to think about it. I am not placing all the blame on him by any means. It is just frustrating that you can't address people like him in a way that brings more finality to it. She picked a diseased human being POS and she is living with it also. I know I have to deal with that. Thanks,


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> I've been a damn happy guy all my life. This has changed me and I don't like it. I don't like being an angry bitter SOB. And yes it is affecting my W. I just don't know if she is truly remorseful or only tip toeing me past the graveyard of other quickies or worse, or when her sexcapades actually started or ended. She claims there was nothing else but, I'm sure I will never know, only imagine until I forget to think about it. I am not placing all the blame on him by any means. It is just frustrating that you can't address people like him in a way that brings more finality to it. She picked a diseased human being POS and she is living with it also. I know I have to deal with that. Thanks,


If wondering if she's been completely truthful is bothering you so much then why don't you demand a polygraph test? It's fairly common for the absolute truth to come out in the parking lot of the tester's office if not before. At least then your questions will have been answered.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> The really sick part of this is I also believe he slept with my oldest daughter when she was in her late teens and he was 30 something, He's a pig..I can't even imagine why I hung around with the piece of garbage. .


Is your wife completely ignorant of your fears regarding your daughter sleeping with him?

I understand that I often think differently than other people, but this really stood out to me. If your wife suspected this too, yet maintained her own secrecy over trying to keep this predator out of her family's lives, this would tell me all I need to know about the nature of her feelings towards marriage. Its strange that she suspected nothing, because women are generally very intuitive.

Despite all of this, I think it is wrong to fixate on the things he did. Your wife never had her choices taken from her regarding the affair. Knowing what the guy was like, she held the power of making a choice to keep this guy out of the lives of her daughter too.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> I have been told BF/OM is well aware that I know, I can't imagine telling our daughters. *One is just past 40 the other is in her late 30's.* Do they really need to me confronted with this? The really sick part of this is *I also believe he slept with my oldest daughter when she was in her late teens and he was 30 something*, He's a pig..I can't even imagine why I hung around with the piece of garbage. And I don't know what to say to your last question. Would I be surpised? If they don't, do they really need to find out? I don't think so. I sure don't want to go there. I can't image my wife having the courage to them something like that.




If he's still on your oldest daughter's FB friends list, that's not good for her marriage. She's married now, right? 

Let's hope what's going on with you now does not happen with your son-in-law.

If he had also slept with your daughter(s?) and still ate with your whole family for the last 25 years, then he's one perversed man. And your daughter(s) probably knows his history and doesn't want to upset you by telling.


What a mess!?! I have a better understanding why you cant let this go. Your wife really screwed up. I would suggest that this problem be solved as a family unit?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Halien said:


> Is your wife completely ignorant of your fears regarding your daughter sleeping with him?
> 
> I understand that I often think differently than other people, but this really stood out to me. If your wife suspected this too, yet maintained her own secrecy over trying to keep this predator out of her family's lives, this would tell me all I need to know about the nature of her feelings towards marriage. Its strange that she suspected nothing, because women are generally very intuitive.
> 
> Despite all of this, I think it is wrong to fixate on the things he did. Your wife never had her choices taken from her regarding the affair. Knowing what the guy was like, she held the power of making a choice to keep this guy out of the lives of her daughter too.


Good points you have brought up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your kids are adults and one may have even slept with the POS. your wife should tell both daughters that you know she cheated and all of you should cut the POS out of your lives 

You as his former BF should post him on cheaterville and you should use your knowledge of his past to shut all over his life including spilling all his affairs and secrets. The guy sounds like a piece of walking turd and the world would be much better off with all his stuff revealed. 

To sleep with your wife and daughter and claim to be your friend for 25 years while bragging about it. What a piece if trash. 

The best thing you can do to a cochroach is to shine the light on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Halien said:


> Is your wife completely ignorant of your fears regarding your daughter sleeping with him?


W did not suspect it. I did because my daughter and POS went out a couple of times. The daughter that dated him has never been married and has had her own rocky road, and is promiscuous but is a very successful professional and is living a single live style in a trendy part of the country. My other daughter has been married for over 20 years, has three kids and she has never had any direct contact with POS other than through our family get togethers.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> W did not suspect it. I did because my daughter and POS went out a couple of times. *The daughter that dated him has never been married and has had her own rocky road, and is promiscuous *but is a very successful professional and is living a single live style in a trendy part of the country. My other daughter has been married for over 20 years, has three kids and she has never had any direct contact with POS other than through our family get togethers.


She caught his genes.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> Your kids are adults and one may have even slept with the POS. your wife should tell both daughters that you know she cheated and all of you should cut the POS out of your lives


Indeed, how do you expect to heal if you hide the truth away. This is a highly recommended technique to close a past affair. Not telling your children simply causes more distrust and lies. 




> You as his former BF should post him on cheaterville and you should use your knowledge of his past to shut all over his life including spilling all his affairs and secrets. The guy sounds like a piece of walking turd and the world would be much better off with all his stuff revealed.


A good option



> To sleep with your wife and daughter and claim to be your friend for 25 years while bragging about it. What a piece if trash.


What does it make your wife who allowed him to do so in front of you = Lack of remorse and hoping never to get caught.



> The best thing you can do to a ****roach is to shine the light on it.


Absolutely.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> W did not suspect it. I did because my daughter and POS went out a couple of times. The daughter that dated him has never been married and has had her own rocky road, and is promiscuous but is a very successful professional and is living a single live style in a trendy part of the country.


Possibly indicative of some kind of assault. I hope not, really deeply hope not.


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## susan71 (Dec 17, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> I just don't know if she is truly remorseful or only tip toeing me past the graveyard of other quickies or worse, or when her sexcapades actually started or ended. She claims there was nothing else but, I'm sure I will never know, only imagine until I forget to think about it.


It's your life and if you choose to live it that way, I think you will not be happy. You're basically saying that you are waiting for the day when you're too feeble to care about trust, do you realize that? 



oldpainshurt said:


> Is the pain of ending a novel worth one short story? I'm trying my best to give the novel a happy ending. The what if's the shoulda coulda woulda's are just buried in time.


Time for tough love. If you want to continue with her: you can either see it as being a saint or being strong, but either way, get above it and stop whining about the wrong done to you by these other men and the gossip factory in town. Your wife is the one who did it. Continuing with her means writing all the other players off as trivia. Or you walk away. There aren't any happy endings where you whitewash your feelings about your wife's betrayal by smearing rage at the other men all over them.

My possibly-to-be ex-husband was an unbearable PITA in many ways, but sexual jealousy was not in his repertoire. If I had done what your wife did, he would have despised the lying, but he would not have cared much about the acts. It wasn't in him to view a woman as soiled goods, and it wasn't in him to care a toss about what people babbled behind his back. I have no idea of how someone can get to that place, I probably could not do it myself, but I feel that is the place you have to find if you want to be at peace in a relationship with your wife.



Halien said:


> Despite all of this, I think it is wrong to fixate on the things he did. Your wife never had her choices taken from her regarding the affair. Knowing what the guy was like, she held the power of making a choice to keep this guy out of the lives of her daughter too.


This.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> Is the pain of ending a novel worth one short story? I'm trying my best to give the novel a happy ending. The what if's the shoulda coulda woulda's are just buried in time.


I think it would be a good way to look at it, but doesn't sound like you are getting to the place of just thinking of this as a minor speedbump in a long journey. Speaking of allegory, when you look at the journey of your life, you see her by your side, in the front seat. Who does she really see? Were you the guy sitting beside her in her own view of her life journey, or were you the guy with the chauffeur hat in the front seat? I wonder if this is what you are really trying to settle in your mind.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Thor said:


> Possibly indicative of some kind of assault. I hope not, really deeply hope not.


No Thor...that didn't happen.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

susan71 said:


> It's your life and if you choose to live it that way, I think you will not be happy. You're basically saying that you are waiting for the day when you're too feeble to care about trust, do you realize that?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your thoughts on this are appreciated...I do want to deflect things away from her. But, she knows it sits squarely in her lap. She's feeling it for real right now. I love her and am thinking this goes in the "for better or WORSE" catagory and I'm going to get there. As I am sure you know...it just sucks right now lady!


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Halien said:


> I think it would be a good way to look at it, but doesn't sound like you are getting to the place of just thinking of this as a minor speedbump in a long journey. Speaking of allegory, when you look at the journey of your life, you see her by your side, in the front seat. Who does she really see? Were you the guy sitting beside her in her own view of her life journey, or were you the guy with the chauffeur hat in the front seat? I wonder if this is what you are really trying to settle in your mind.


I know it all looks ugly as crap, but put into 42 years of ups an downs it should be a damn speed bump. We seperated for four months about four years into our marriage. It had nothing to do with cheating. We were just terribly stressed young parents. We got through that and stayed together. These look like mountains at the moment, but I know we can fit them into speed bumps over time. What actually happened was pretty cheap as far as thrills go. I think this is coming back full throttle in my wife's mind right now and she is begining to feel the pain she caused. We are talking about it much more since I started this thread. 
I have taken her half way around the world and back. She's been an amazing partner. That doesn't mean she was anything like perfect and neither am I. So I guess I better start driving we have along road in front of us yet. Your insite is truly helpful. Thanks.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

BTW. in case anybody was afraid to ask the sex has always been incredible and often, our entire lives. Niether of us goes away unsatisfied. We are pretty good at that, but that is not the only reason we have stayed together. In fact I feel very lucky to have a lover that likes sex that much at 60. Maybe all this junk just comes with this territory..I have wondered sometimes if we are all genetically predeteremined to be promiscuous or not and all the upbringing the in the world wouldn't change a thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What a story. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you want to stay married or a divorce? Did you confront the POS w what you found out? Having him sit at your dinner table with your wife for nearly 30 years is so awful. My heart goes out to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> What a story. I'm sorry this happened to you. Do you want to stay married or a divorce? Did you confront the POS w what you found out? Having him sit at your dinner table with your wife for nearly 30 years is so awful. My heart goes out to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for caring. I do want to stay with my wife, I think that is clear from my earlier postings. As to a confrontation with POS, What is your take on that? Should I and why or why not? Just curious. You have been active on these forums. What do you think?


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> BTW. in case anybody was afraid to ask the sex has always been incredible and often, our entire lives. Niether of us goes away unsatisfied. We are pretty good at that, but that is not the only reason we have stayed together. In fact I feel very lucky to have a lover that likes sex that much at 60. Maybe all this junk just comes with this territory..I have wondered sometimes if we are all genetically predeteremined to be promiscuous or not and all the upbringing the in the world wouldn't change a thing.


It looks/sounds like your wife cheated just to get a little "strange" on the side, possibly for kicks at your expense. 

It sounds like you're looking for answers, you should have them!

You should inform the two daughters what's transpired between your wife and the OM, then ask the older one if she slept with the pervert. It would be good for her to know either way what kind loser this OM is, because from what I understand she's friends with him on facebook, well, he's humiliating her as well as you. They are old enough to know these things, and they may know something that your wife won't tell you! Your wife cheated on them as well as you! Like I said, you're looking for answers, you should have them! 

Oh, I almost forgot, you have no obligation to your wife, you can drop her at any time!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

oldpainshurt said:


> I know it all looks ugly as crap, but put into 42 years of ups an downs it should be a damn speed bump. We seperated for four months about four years into our marriage. It had nothing to do with cheating. We were just terribly stressed young parents. We got through that and stayed together. These look like mountains at the moment, but I know we can fit them into speed bumps over time. What actually happened was pretty cheap as far as thrills go. I think this is coming back full throttle in my wife's mind right now and she is begining to feel the pain she caused. We are talking about it much more since I started this thread.
> I have taken her half way around the world and back. She's been an amazing partner. That doesn't mean she was anything like perfect and neither am I. So I guess I better start driving we have along road in front of us yet. Your insite is truly helpful. Thanks.


The questioning you are going through isn't necessarily a bad thing, so don't beat yourself up about it. If you settle the questions, you can come out of this a better man. All of this is just my opinion, but there is no statute of limitations on marital betrayals, because it cannot even be perceived as a temporary hurt. Take the finest work of art, a sculpture, you've ever laid your eyes on and throw it down, crashing it into a million pieces, and it doesn't become unbroken over time. A marriage is like that. Two people who were once married, and later face a broken marriage have to sweep it aside and rebuild something new if they choose to reconcile. Every belief about marriage that you thought you knew to be right and fair was broken by her admission, so it doesn't become unbroken just because she chose to keep it a secret. It is rebuilt. You see this everyday on this site, through grieving men and women who choose to reconcile. They build a new marriage, maybe one missing some of the luster of the old one, but still strong. Maybe you choose to look at this as building a new marriage without ever knowing that the old one was broken. Or, you resolve to believe that the statute of limitations is past. Nobody can decide for you. Its just a shame that you never got the choice when it happened.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I know it may be pre-mature but have you considered renewing your vows as a symbol of embarking on a new marriage?


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

Halien said:


> It is rebuilt. You see this everyday on this site, through grieving men and women who choose to reconcile. They build a new marriage, maybe one missing some of the luster of the old one, but still strong. Maybe you choose to look at this as building a new marriage without ever knowing that the old one was broken. Or, you resolve to believe that the statute of limitations is past. Nobody can decide for you. Its just a shame that you never got the choice when it happened.


The path of my life would have been completely diverted had I made a decision to leave back then. From where I sit right now, looking back, I am thankful I am on this path. One that has led be to many accomplishments and wonderful places and things because we make such a dynamic duo. I have used the "statute of limitiations" reference in my thoughts. I know many see this as more serious, but it's like the dog pissed on the carpet a couple of years ago and you just noticed the spot so you thought you'd spank him...too little too late. It just smacks of that. We are rebuilding. I've told my wife we need to "play" together more...we need to let our hurtful inhibitions down and just have fun. She wrote a letter to POS that I think expresses her feelings accurately and honestly. We are looking at it. It has not been sent and may very well not be. I've thought about posting what she wrote. I think these forums do tend to take elements out of context (in this case 42 years) and put them starkly standing alone as if this was the story of your life when this is a flash in a life filled with fireworks and happiness. I keep it all in perspective. I came on here to get feed back to validate my feelings. That it wasn't just my head..it is the head of every man who's wife has made a mistake. As always. thanks!


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> I know it may be pre-mature but have you considered renewing your vows as a symbol of embarking on a new marriage?


:iagree:

I was going to surprise her with this last June, but schedules totally screwed it up. Then the BF/OM story came to light and it did put a damper on that idea to say the least. However, I want to do that...we need to do that..we should and will do that...perhaps a resolution for 2012...we'll see.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Nothing can erase those horrible deeds, but a new start - a clean slate if you will - is possible IF you and her want it bad enough. Do you?


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

morituri said:


> Nothing can erase those horrible deeds, but a new start - a clean slate if you will - is possible IF you and her want it bad enough. Do you?


This is a good idea Mori but the OP seems to have doubts that he is being told the entire truth by his W. I think he needs to get that settled in his mind one way or another before he decides that he can start with a clean slate.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I asked only because of this from his last post Beowulf:



oldpainshurt said:


> However, I want to do that...we need to do that..we should and will do that...perhaps a resolution for 2012...we'll see.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Beowolf is right---OP should def tell his wife "Tell me eerything now. If we have any chance of reconciling, I need THE TRUTH from you. ALL OF IT. Nothing but the truth."



oldpainshurt said:


> Thank you for caring. I do want to stay with my wife, I think that is clear from my earlier postings. As to a confrontation with POS, What is your take on that? Should I and why or why not? Just curious. You have been active on these forums. What do you think?


I personally would confront him with the knowledge. So that he knows you know and he can't continue swinging his d!ck around, basking in the knowledge you had no clue. Call him out.

How has your wife been lately? Like, how is she acting?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

The problem with confronting him is that he has acknowledged that he is not sure that he can control himself from causing him great bodily harm and getting himself arrested for aggravated assault and possibly murder.

As far as getting the truth from his wife, oldpainshurt could request that she submit herself to a polygraph test to remove any doubts from his mind that she is hiding more.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

morituri said:


> The problem with confronting him is that he has acknowledged that he is not sure that he can control himself from causing him great bodily harm and getting himself arrested for aggravated assault and possibly murder.


O I C (like my fun teenager acronyms, Mori?)

LOL.

OP-definitely don't confront him if you feel you may wind up in jail... He is not worth getting arrested for.

You said you'd ended contact with him. Does he know why? Is he aware you know?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> O I C (like my fun teenager acronyms, Mori?)


Yeah I do, but you're still too young to have a female MLC young lady.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

Have her take a poly. It will take that nagging question of is she still doing anyone on the side. Did it happen more than I know about? When was the last time it happened?

It's not that you don't believe her, or that you dont want to, it's just a way to help you heal and get things right in your head. A way to restore some trust.

I really look up to how you are working through this. Your outlook is insperation for all of us who have WS's that see they made the worst choice they could. 

P.S. You may want to think about forgiving the POS OM. I only say this because, I was holding anger and resentment for the OM and even posted him on cheaterville, but have come to see that I was not able to let go of all the anger I had for my WS till I let go of it for the POS OM. 

Just my two cents.


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Trying to bury the feelings a just go on will result in resentment and down the road ,anger triggered by seemingly random stuff.
> 
> Have you considered a therapist or reading books for betrayed spouses?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Very true! Do not rug sweep or bury anything! Trust me, I tried and for 11 years I had triggers and memories that you are only starting to experience. Once I let it out I now add to that anger, resentment, and frustration...and yes all our friends knew as well! Get professional help to help you get through this and make the right choice for you!


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## Struggling4ever (Jan 9, 2012)

jnj express said:


> I am not suggesting anything---From your writing---you are not going to leave. For seniors to make drastic changes, no that is very hard to do!!!!
> 
> What i am saying, is, *things will never be the same*. Will you have complete trust, i doubt it, even tho I am sure she probably HAS NOT done anything wrong for a long time. But what has happened is that *you are now changed*. You may not look over your shoulder, but *you will think about it. I am sure that you do not think she will ever think about cheating again.*What you have to deal with is the past----You have already decided to leave her alone, as to her past---It is now your sub--conscious you must deal with.
> 
> ...



:iagree: All true for me....Especially the bold statements.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I totally agree with one of the previous posters. You have made a mistake by not demanding a polygraph. She has been a serial cheater and you know this. In addition, she only tells you events that she knows that you already know. A polygraph will likely tell you if there have been other incidents as well.

It seems unlikely that she would give oral sex to a young guy and screw your best friend all just once and never have ever done it again. I am sorry but it simply does not make sense. She does this when you are away and you said you were away a great deal. It is a shame that you could not get paternity tests done on your children. If you had her take a polygraph then you would simply ask have there been other times that she has cheated on you that you do not know of and is it possible that you are not the biological father of your children?

There is another reason why I think she must be a serial cheater. She chose people to have sex with that were very very close to you and she did not care about the obvious risk of getting caught and so it seems reasonable to assume that she knew that she could always get away with it when you were not home. I am sorry but it is quite reasonable to believe that there is much more to this story than you know. Please schedule a polygraph because you deserve to know the whole truth. Good luck.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bryanp said:


> I totally agree with one of the previous posters. You have made a mistake by not demanding a polygraph. She has been a serial cheater and you know this. In addition, she only tells you events that she knows that you already know. A polygraph will likely tell you if there have been other incidents as well.
> 
> It seems unlikely that she would give oral sex to a young guy and screw your best friend all just once and never have ever done it again. I am sorry but it simply does not make sense. She does this when you are away and you said you were away a great deal. It is a shame that you could not get paternity tests done on your children. If you had her take a polygraph then you would simply ask have there been other times that she has cheated on you that you do not know of and is it possible that you are not the biological father of your children?
> 
> There is another reason why I think she must be a serial cheater. She chose people to have sex with that were very very close to you and she did not care about the obvious risk of getting caught and so it seems reasonable to assume that she knew that she could always get away with it when you were not home. I am sorry but it is quite reasonable to believe that there is much more to this story than you know. Please schedule a polygraph because you deserve to know the whole truth. Good luck.


I completely agree with Bryan.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

So I'm back...It has been very difficult with triggers and depression daily. I have, literally, a choice of three IC/MC combo therapists within one hundred miles and no polygraph that handles these types of tests within 200 miles...we are out there. It is not wilderness...these are just small town without those types of services with any dependable professionals. It isn't that easy to get help around here you can trust.


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## oldpainshurt (Dec 15, 2011)

You guys seem to think I should squeeze whatever is there out of her. However, what I know already has ruined me. The images and thoughts are centered on these two incindents. Ya, what I need is a couple more to add to the party? These things happened 25 years ago...do I have to dig up all th corpses? Really?!! Believe me...I get it big time! I have a done a number of things since D-Days to provide distractions...mingle, make new friendships, take control of my life back and in the process attempt to stay together. Like others have said...last week as pretty good...this week just sucked, totally.


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

You just need to know if this has been an on going lifestyle of hers. She's had sex with 2 men you know of and one of them has had sex with your wife and daughter. She's invited evil into your family. Personally, this would be more than I could take.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Work out, eat well, and try to connect with people. Therapy would be helpful, and it would be worth the drive once every few weeks.

Have you read self help books related to infidelity? The only one I have read is "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It helped me to understand a lot about my reactions to my wife's dishonesty and the sexual issues. There are bound to be other good books out there for you, too.


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

I am so sorry for you. God knows I was pissed cause I wasted my 20's and early 30's on a marriage of lies. But your situation is truly horrible. Man I hope something positive can come out of this for you.


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