# Sexless Marriage



## YummyPB

I am a newbie here. After reading some posts, I realize that I am not alone in the "sexless" marriage department. I haven't done the deed in probably 2 months and I personally have 0% interest in it whatsoever. I'm sure that is due to my husband being an alcoholic, financial issues, etc. I am just curious to see what percentage of members here are in sexless marriages. If you are, is it you or your spouse that isn't interested or is it a mutual agreement?


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## Feelingalone

Right now I'm in a sexless marriage. Working through issues. It is definitely not my idea.

Are you working through issues or what?


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## revitalizedhusband

I'm actually between 1-2 a week and "everyday sometimes more". Its 3-6 times a week for us.


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## Deejo

Spouse had both physical and emotional issues relating to sex. Sex became a cornerstone for many other issues as a result. In the process of divorce.


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## etrocks

My "sexless" marriage is due to my husband. He says he is stressed/tired/not in the mood, etc. I even had him go to the doctor. He was perscribed viagra, but he hasn't tried them. I think it had a lot to due with trying to have our ds. We tried for 2 yrs with lots of different fertility treatments & scheduled sex(who likes to be told when to do it lol) then he felt weird when I was pregnant. Our ds is 13 mo. old & we've maybe had sex 12x since he was born.


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## recent_cloud

before we split, i cut sex out.

when trust is broken, it's broken.

at least for me.

and i have absolutely no desire (actually i have plenty of desire, but not for her) to be intimate with someone i cannot fully trust.


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## Mrs. Smith

I'm a newlywed and I'm one of the tons of people here going through the same thing. I'm extremely sexual but my husband isn't and I'm suffering. I know that he is a sexual person because I know he owned porn and watched it before we got married and I've caught him a few times masturbating. I just can't understand why he just won't touch me. He's a great person and cares about me but I do believe that loving someone is not just providing for them. I'm SO depressed.


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## recent_cloud

Mrs. Smith said:


> I'm a newlywed and I'm one of the tons of people here going through the same thing. I'm extremely sexual but my husband isn't and I'm suffering.


how was intimacy before marriage.


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## YummyPB

The drinking has been an issue since we've been together. You could say I was the stupid one for even sticking it out and then marrying him! I'm at a loss for what I will do. I want to keep it together for my 3 year old's sake. I can't imagine the heartbreak my son would have. I endured my parents divorcing when I was 7and it was the worst thing of my life. I don't recall my parents bad relationship, but I remember clearly the void of not having both parents. Hubby quit drinking for about 1 1/2 years and then we decided to have a child (I was nearing 37). My clock was ticking I guess. I lost complete trust in husband after he started drinking again when I was 4 months pregnant. I regret staying with him and cannot get over it completely. I was stupid enough to believe him that he was done that time. Right now, I am just dealing with a husband not coming home and left with my 3 year old son asking me where daddy is. He's a great father when he's around. He's a terrible partner. He has no interest in this relationship being a partnership. Sometimes I don't blame him though because I have issues with the lack of interest in sex. It's been that way after about 6 months together. I surely don't know how to fix it at this point.


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## Mrs. Smith

recent_cloud said:


> how was intimacy before marriage.


Sex before we got married was amazing. My H was the first man to give me an orgasm. At first we just couldn't get enough and we had sex about 8 times a day. I'm not asking for so much sex now but at least once a week. I'm wondering if he just doesn't feel attracted to me anymore. Yesterday I talked about it with him and he told me that just because we hadn't had sex on the weekend we had to HAVE sex and later i fell asleep but caught him watching porn, so i guess that it's not that he doesn't want to have sex he just doesn't want to have it with me. I didn't tell him anything about it but I had trouble falling back asleep thinking and crying about what went wrong in my relationship and how it hurts to feel rejected and undesireable. I haven't put on more weight or changed a lot since we got together so I just can't put my finger on what is going on and why this is going on at such an early stage of our marriage. I feel like we've been married for 25 years now and its only been 3 months!! I don't think I can spend the rest of my life feeling like this. Thanks for replying, any help now is so important to me.


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## heartysoul

I found that when the sex diminished (his idea) it was because he was having an affair. He was being satisfied (emotionally) elsewhere and tried to find reasons not to be with me so he wouldn't feel so guilty.


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## tigger01

Mrs. Smith said:


> I'm a newlywed and I'm one of the tons of people here going through the same thing. I'm extremely sexual but my husband isn't and I'm suffering. I know that he is a sexual person because I know he owned porn and watched it before we got married and I've caught him a few times masturbating. I just can't understand why he just won't touch me. He's a great person and cares about me but I do believe that loving someone is not just providing for them. I'm SO depressed.


I have been married for 17 years and although we never had an overabundance of sex to begin with, it completely died six years ago. Granted, we were intimate (during these last six years) in other ways, but after a while, that just doesn't cut it. Porn has been an issue since the time we started dating (I never agreed with it), and he's blamed the last six years on his weight gain/ED issues. He, too, is a wonderful, wonderful man and a great provider, but there's more to a marriage than that. I struggle with how lonely this leaves me as a wife.


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## Enchantment

tigger01 said:


> I have been married for 17 years and although we never had an overabundance of sex to begin with, it completely died six years ago. Granted, we were intimate (during these last six years) in other ways, but after a while, that just doesn't cut it. Porn has been an issue since the time we started dating (I never agreed with it), and he's blamed the last six years on his weight gain/ED issues. He, too, is a wonderful, wonderful man and a great provider, but there's more to a marriage than that. I struggle with how lonely this leaves me as a wife.


hi tigger ~

I realize that you posted this in a fairly old thread, and hope that you will come back and look at responses. 

Is your husband doing anything about the ED? If not, why not?

Is he doing anything about the porn? If not, why not?

And most importantly, what are YOU doing about this? Do you just go along and not rock the boat? If so, why?

This type of a situation can be crushing to a person's self-esteem as you have likely found out. The following is an excellent book on self-esteem just for women that you may be interested in:

http://www.amazon.com/Courage-Be-Yourself-Emotional-Self-Esteem/dp/1573245690/ref=wl_it_dp_o_npd?ie=UTF8&coliid=I2O0ZXDM3VWGDG&colid=1VBX5QHWE1YDW

In the meantime, get out there and start doing things for YOURSELF. Start a new hobby, get a new 'do, get some new duds. Invest in YOURSELF.

Also, have you ever considered going to IC so that you can gain some perspective and clarity on your situation and try and determine what the best way to move forward is?

Best wishes.


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## Trying2figureitout

You know me sexless for two years (7 times) and last sex July 17.
Married 18 years most "good" years between 15-20x per year

Think my wife and I are working toward a sexual marriage soon (more than monthly)


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## KaTieM

tigger01 said:


> I have been married for 17 years and although we never had an overabundance of sex to begin with, it completely died six years ago. Granted, we were intimate (during these last six years) in other ways, but after a while, that just doesn't cut it. Porn has been an issue since the time we started dating (I never agreed with it), and he's blamed the last six years on his weight gain/ED issues. He, too, is a wonderful, wonderful man and a great provider, but there's more to a marriage than that. I struggle with how lonely this leaves me as a wife.


This is my relationship minus the ED(I think, but haven't had sex(with him) in 2 years, so I wouldn't know if he has ED now or not) and intimacy of any kind has been very sparse before the 2 years prior to no sex.

He is a wonderful man, great provider, best Dad ever. But we have grown apart and share nothing, no emotional or sexual connection of any kind, and it has left me very, very lonely. He never was an aggressive type, but if I initiated it turned him off. Which left me resentful when he never acted or showed any action towards me, but yet found him looking at porn. I needed an alpha type, more aggressive male who appreciated me(in person, not porn) and I found it, unfortunately, outside of the marriage, in a long term affair with a married man, going through the same thing as me. Husband caught me cheating and we went thru counseling and he would do anything to keep me, but I do not find him attractive anymore or have no desire to have any type of intimate relations at all with him. But, yet, am afraid to leave the stability he provides me and my kids. We are a great functioning family other than the husband/wife connection. Sucks bigtime, but now more understanding of why people do what they do, as far as straying in a marriage and trying to stay descreet about it, but what I have learned is that it hurts many people, any you may THINK you can do it with no strings attached, but you fall in love and end up on one hell of an endless emotional roller coaster ride.


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## ChangingMind

My husband's idea. He needs medicine, which he doesn't bother taking. I wonder what he expects of me. Is he trying to push me into an affair, or what? Seriously. I truly wonder if that's what he wants.


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## JoeHenderson

Hi, I answered never on your survey. I've gone 19 months without any type of sexual intimacy. The first half was during her pregnancy due to her fear that sex would lead to a miscarriage, the next half due to low libido. She has no interest and doesn't care that I'm struggling here.


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## JoeHenderson

Before we used to be in the 1-3 times per week category.


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## MEM2020

Joe,
Typically a "core" boundary in a marriage is the unwillingness to tolerate a situation where your partner lacks a desire to:
1. Please you 
2. Avoid causing you intense distress

Each day that passes reinforces the idea that you don't have that boundary. 

The mature/controlled response to this type of situation is to gradually and steadily destabilize the relationship. You do that until either:
- She comes to you and starts making an effort to please you or
- You conclude that she is ok with a pure room mate/financial supporter marriage

Showing anger/sadness etc. all hurt your cause. 

Being detached and focusing more and more what you want typically help your cause. Part of this is actually having a plan. If it was me, I would have cancelled Christmas in a very low key and rational manner by telling her that with the marriage in trouble the two of you need to cut back and start saving to ensure the child will have better financial stability regardless of what happens to the marriage. That does not mean you buy her nothing, and get yourself what you want. That means you put in place a tight budget that greatly limits both of your spending. And that includes no Christmas gifts. 

Your W really didn't want you to roll over and put up with this nonsense when it started 1.5 years ago. Sadly she is now used to "husband is servant" mode partly because you keep trying harder and harder hoping she will throw you a crumb or two of sex. 

Go to the experience project. You will find thousands of folks who lived their whole lives hoping their spouses would some day start treating them well. Most of them - if they had known what was going to happen would have risked the marriage to save it when they were young. And if it ended - at least they had a second shot at a normal life. 




JoeHenderson said:


> Before we used to be in the 1-3 times per week category.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I voted everyday, but it's 5-6 days a week. Usually 6, I do give my hubby a break.lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4waysplit

I think there are 2 schools of logic on sex within marriage - one of these which i dont think is mentioned being so long as there is intamacy of somesort then sex isnt essentially fundamental . (That said i average sex about twice a week which considering my husband is around usually only for weekends is quite impressive ). But i definatly fall into a camp of sex as a weapon or tool kind of person either by me or towards me. 

At the end of the day my personal belief is far from my own experience so long as you and your partner are happy with your sex life be it frequent or sporatic then there really shouldnt be an issue . 

Am i happy with my sex life would be a better poll because the answer to that is simple "NO" and i cant imagine my husband is either.


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## MEM2020

4way,

Why is sex a weapon or tool to you?
Why are you not happy with your sex life?


TE=4waysplit;525014]I think there are 2 schools of logic on sex within marriage - one of these which i dont think is mentioned being so long as there is intamacy of somesort then sex isnt essentially fundamental . (That said i average sex about twice a week which considering my husband is around usually only for weekends is quite impressive ). But i definatly fall into a camp of sex as a weapon or tool kind of person either by me or towards me. 

At the end of the day my personal belief is far from my own experience so long as you and your partner are happy with your sex life be it frequent or sporatic then there really shouldnt be an issue . 

Am i happy with my sex life would be a better poll because the answer to that is simple "NO" and i cant imagine my husband is either.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4waysplit

me using it as a weapon - turning on the charm to have some peace and quiet. get some work done without him whinging he is far to busy snoring .

him using it as a weapon - I am no fool but my husband telling me he owns me and pushing me about during sex sends a pretty clear message of how he thinks about me. 

And as for why i wouldnt be happy in my sex life - well if this was the kind of sex you were having would you be happy with it ?


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## Prodigal

The core issue here is addiction. Specifically, addiction to alcohol. It will win out first, last, and always; unless the addict makes a decision to get help. I am married to an alcoholic. You don't know crazy until you've survived a Christmas/holiday season with an alkie. 

Their unexpected, unreliable, and downright looney behavior is enough for a spouse to shut down emotionally and physically. This is about a whole heckuva lot more than sex. It is about living with an addict.

The so-called "poll" isn't relevant in this situation, and I don't think the OP'er realizes that her husband's addiction has taken control of her life. ALCOHOLISM IS AN EQUAL-OPPORTUNITY DESTROYER, and it takes down everyone in its path.

Sex, schmex. When living with an addict, this is the first thing that generally flies out the door. The rest of the insanity going on in an addict's home assures that everyone cow-tow to the addict's latest whim-du-jour. Who the heck wants sex in such an unstable atmosphere?

OP, I sent you a PM. I hope you read it. You also should consider Al-Anon. I didn't get it when I crawled into my first meeting back in 1996. I finally got it, and it saved my life and my sanity. 

Take what you want and leave the rest.


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## tm84

Sex was regular (3-4 times/wk.) in the beginning of my four-year marriage, but sex became much more rare (down to a couple of times in a year and since D-day due to my EA in June of this year, there has been nothing. We're working on the relationship, but I'm afraid that its going to be a long time before we can be sexual again, if we remain married.

The problem is that I have a very high libido, but I've pretty much screwed myself (no pun intended) out of any sex for who knows how long now...


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## annagarret

This is a very, very sad poll......


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## ku1980rose

Been married 17 months. Had sex 3 times. He has no confidence whatsoever and plays the "nice guy" approach. Which is not a turn on. He didn't even sleep in our bed for 10 months out of this marriage and he still thinks we have a marriage. I'm ready to move on. No sex can definitely kill a relationship, especially a brand new marriage. I want children. He claims he wants children. But, if he does, does he think they just appear out of thin air?

Sad


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## CWM0842

Once every 3-4 weeks. I'm miserable much of the time. We've talked about it so much but nothing ever changes. She seems to just not care.


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## jhult

I have been married for 9 years, together for 11.....had sex usually 4-5 times a week the entire time. We had a fight in late september, had sex a week later, other sexual activity a week after that....and nothing since. She is not sure she loves me anymore.....I am trying to save my marriage. I need some action soon.


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## keepmenever22

My husband constantly tells me that he has a headache, not in the mood, his stomach is upset, he has to get up early in the morning, and all of these start with "It's not that I don't want you" I have tried everything and I'm starting to think he is either bored with me or that he is doing the deed with someone else


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## 4sure

ku1980rose said:


> Been married 17 months. Had sex 3 times. He has no confidence whatsoever and plays the "nice guy" approach. Which is not a turn on. He didn't even sleep in our bed for 10 months out of this marriage and he still thinks we have a marriage. I'm ready to move on. No sex can definitely kill a relationship, especially a brand new marriage. I want children. He claims he wants children. But, if he does, does he think they just appear out of thin air?
> 
> Sad


WOW!! I'm sorry. Do not have children with this man.


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## ku1980rose

4sure said:


> WOW!! I'm sorry. Do not have children with this man.


Not planning to at this time. Want my marriage to be and actual "marriage" before that. However, I've told him I want children and if there isn't a possibility of having children with him, then I'm going to have to leave. I'm not just going to hang around with no possibility of a future family with him.


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## FirstYearDown

This poll is missing an option. 

We make love more often than once or twice a week, yet less than every day.


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## Freak On a Leash

I'm assuming you mean with my husband. If it's just by "my own means" then amend to 1-2/week. 

Hey, I barely have a MARRIAGE, never mind a sex life! "One thing at a time" he says... :banghead:


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## Bottled Up

revitalizedhusband said:


> I'm actually between 1-2 a week and "everyday sometimes more". Its 3-6 times a week for us.


I'm kind of in the same ballpark here. Been working with my wife to up the frequency of intimacy but we really just started on this trend. It was 3 times last week vs. the normal once a week, so improvement seems to be coming now.

Fingers crossed the trend continues...


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## Scannerguard

This poll is interesting. . .one could derive that in the "average marriage" out there, that people are having sex rarely or never, that is. . .50-60% of marriages fall into this category.

However, something tells me that just isn't correct and that TAM has a disproportional share of miserable, sexless married people.

Which does make you think about the quality of advice (mine included).

Now. . .if this is a fair sampling of marriages in America, then I think we have a real problem out there.

The Catholic Church has opined that married couples aren't having sex enough out there and attributed a host of factors to the problem - obesity and high stress lifestyles.

I will try to do some research and see how this unscientific poll compares with the rest of the population at large (assuming most here are American).


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## Scannerguard

Who is Having Sex and How Often? -- Marital Sex Statistics

As I thought. . .I think this survey applies to couples (whether married or not, I am not sure) and the average person has sex 127 times per year, so about 2x/week.

So, TAM people are way out of sync with the norm and normal.

Noted though, Americans are lower with sexual frequency than other cultures.

I wonder what "Da' Church" would opine a healthy frequency is for a marriage, on averages, taking into account ages/varying libido's/etc.

In other words, there are "norms" and there are "normals." What may be the "norm" may not be "normal." In other words, I find it unacceptable to just say, "Well, it's all relative and depends. . ." Thats like saying, "Well. . .what's a normal cholesterol? Well, it all depends on whether you eat Crisco and Ho-ho's or grilled chicken and vegetables. . .what's normal to you is normal."

It's a cop-out answer.

Baseline sexual normals need to be established for spiritual, mental and physical well-being and some level of accountability to the couple/person should be held.

Nothign set in stone, but just a guideline (like you should exercise 3-5X/week. . .you should boink [n] times per week.


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## Scannerguard

http://static.oprah.com/download/pdfs/health/oz/oz_antiaging_checklist.pdf

It appears the Great Dr. Oz has addressed this, citing 2-3X/week of monogamous sex is optimal for physical and spiritual health.

With no other references to go by, and this making "intuitive sense" with me, I'd like to see the forum start to adopt some "normals" for health rather than just say, "Well, what's normal for you is not normal for me."

Yeah, a young rabbit couple - there normal may be 5-7X/week and senior couple may be 1x/week. . .just like blood pressure readings, but we need to start having references if the conversation is going to move anywhere.

IMHO as a "scientist-practicioner" of sorts.


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## calvin

Sex was one of the big issues that almost ended my marriage,she wanted it once every 4-6 weeks,me 3-4 or more times a week.I work a lot of overtime and make good money and help around the house and we never need a repairman,I'm pretty handy.and in good shape,being a steelworker does that to you.I overheard one of her girlfriends ask if she could date me if we split said she was tired of her overweight part-time lazy hubby.Now wife is all over me everyother day and she always gets off,just takes a little work getting her engine warmed up : )
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## duchesspink

ku1980rose said:


> Not planning to at this time. Want my marriage to be and actual "marriage" before that. However, I've told him I want children and if there isn't a possibility of having children with him, then I'm going to have to leave. I'm not just going to hang around with no possibility of a future family with him.


You must leave him if he refuses to do anything about this situation.

I've just left my husband after a 10 year relationship, 3 of them married and we had sex 6 times in the first year of marriage and nothing for the last two,

He wanted children too apparantly, however he must have thought that i'd be having a virgin birth.

I've recently left him as I'm now 37 and time is running out for me to fulfil my dreams of being a mother.

I feel that he's taken vital years away from my fertile years and because of staying longer than I should have, i've potentially placed myself in the position of never being a mother.

I voted never in the poll as I just couldn't get him to have sex at all.


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## ku1980rose

duchesspink said:


> You must leave him if he refuses to do anything about this situation.
> 
> I've just left my husband after a 10 year relationship, 3 of them married and we had sex 6 times in the first year of marriage and nothing for the last two,
> 
> He wanted children too apparantly, however he must have thought that i'd be having a virgin birth.
> 
> I've recently left him as I'm now 37 and time is running out for me to fulfil my dreams of being a mother.
> 
> I feel that he's taken vital years away from my fertile years and because of staying longer than I should have, i've potentially placed myself in the position of never being a mother.
> 
> I voted never in the poll as I just couldn't get him to have sex at all.


Thank you for sharing. Did he have sex with you before you married? You said it was a 10 year relationship. Was it the marriage when he stopped? 

I still haven't figured out what is keeping my husband from having sex with me. I do think my husband has a very low self esteem, but getting him to do anything about it is like banging my head against brick wall. He hasn't gone back to counseling or made any changes, even though he constantly talks the talk. 

I hope you find someone that you can have a family with. I am also worried about wasting my child bearing years and want to be a mother.


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