# 10 year relationship is failing



## Melll

Hi there, I’m new and have decided to join as I don’t really have anyone I can speak to as my situation is a little strange, I have been in a relationship for 10 years now I am 26 year old female and my partner is also the same age, we have 3 children but things started to go wrong after 12 months of dating, he became very distant and didn’t want to touch me, i later found out that it was a porn problem and he said he would stop as it was affecting our sex life and my self esteem, he never did! I have spent the past 9 years hating myself and feeling lonely and unloved, he never seemed to care and I was the one always trying to fix our problems but he never wanted to get involved, he also gambled and stole from me and my family, this has now stopped but I feel like I have put up with his rubbish long enough I have stayed for 9 years hoping he would love me the way I feel like I deserve but it never happened! Soooo... recently I ended up chatting to an ex online, I felt bad but at the same time I believed my relationship was over for me anyway, he made me feel worth something, I haven’t felt like that in years he game me compliments and it really boosted my non existent self esteem, my partner found out he wrote to him and made me delete him but says he wants to try and work through our problems, I love my partner I just don’t no if it’s enough anymore, any advice on what you would personally do is very welcome and thanks for taking the time out to listen to me moan on haha!


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## MattMatt

@Melll I would suggest marriage/relationship counselling for you as a couple.


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## Tilted 1

It is a problem, you have what can be called an affair fog, and think kibble's of appreciation will feed you with your ex. Has your ex said that he wants to adopt your 3 children and have them call him (dad)? You do have esteem issues and giving sex to another man will not solve much at all. If you are serious get with a lawyer and see exactly what you are entitled too from the father of your children. To put it bluntly if you cheat while in a relationship with someone, you are in the same class or worse than your current man. Be a grown woman and do what right first, don't worry if your ex still wants your body he can wait, don't you think. And if you don't your kids will grow up and think of you how? 

You can not convince someone who has morals of something different, unless you only think of yourself and not your obligation, unless you are thinking of giving up your kids. Repond with the truth you will never know any of us except through TAM. You have nothing to lose and will learn some hard truths about yourself


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## DoesItGetBetter?

Hello, Melll - 

Porn: My wife and I are in a situation a bit like yours. I'm the husband and have looked at porn at various times throughout my marriage, even though my wife disapproves of it. I try to stay away, but the temptation is always there. Does your husband make attempts to stay away from porn, or does he embrace it even though you loathe it? Are you and your husband still having sex, or is your husband just using videos only to meet his sexual needs? As long as you have told him how it makes you feel and how he needs to stop, his actions are wrong here, so I'm just trying to gauge how bad it is. He needs to apologize. 

Your Ex: You flirted with your ex behind your husband's back, and that was wrong. This could easily lead to an emotional affair or even a physical affair quickly. You are married and need to act appropriately with other males. You need to apologize, if you have not already done so. Having said so, feeling appreciated and valued is important, and this is something that you can mention to your husband as something for him to work on. I'm afraid that the compliments from your ex are superficial and will not stand the test of time, most likely just the flood of emotions from a new, sexual relationship. 

Good luck!


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## Melll

I fully understand what I have done is completely wrong, the conversations between me and my ex have now stopped and I have apologised for this, I do not want to leave but after ten years I feel that I have tried and got nothing back, but at the same time I am ashamed at myself for what I have done so want to work on getting our family back.


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## Melll

@DoesItGetBetter? Thank you for your reply, my partners porn use was at a point where he wouldn’t touch me at all, I then had to ask for him to be intimate with me sometimes being turned down, we are still at a point where he will try and turn it on me, he says I do not initiate then when I do he pulls away, after 10 years this would surely have an affect on anyone? We are in a vicious cycle where he will get caught and say it won’t happen again and then he gets caught again, he goes to great lengths to carry on the porn use, it was porn, webcam girls, celebrities basically anything or anyone but me, he does try I think to stop and he does seem sorry, porn isn’t what bothers me it was the fact that it was taking over my relationship and it started to affect me also, that should never happen! I was selfish to speak to my ex but that has completely stopped now and will not happen again, he did say he understood that he has taken my confidence and pushed me away so he is not surprise that I have done what I did.


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## Spicy

Do you love him?

Are you legally married?


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## MattMatt

@Melll So, he is addicted to porn, addicted to gambling and is a thief who stole from you and your family.

And you chatted to an ex on line.

Chatting to an ex on line is morally dubious, obviously, but you get jail time for being a thief...

Are you sure you want him in your life and the lives of your children?

And I suspect you are in Britain or Australia. Why? You use the word "rubbish", rather than garbage or trash. 

See a solicitor for legal advice, your chap will never be the spouse/partner/father than you want him to be. It just doesn't seem to be in him.


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## Melll

@Spicy yes I do love him, that is why I have stayed, but because of all the lies I really struggle to trust him now and I do often think am I wasting my time, he says all the right things but always let’s me down in the end, even when he says trying there is no effort, he has stopped the gambling and apparently the porn also, but I have been left feeling like a shell of the person I was, that’s my struggle, we were engaged for 5 years but I could not commit to someone I didn’t believe was truly in love with me so at the moment all that has been called off


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## Melll

@MattMatt thank you for your reply, although it may seem a little harsh you have said what I have been thinking for a while now, I just can’t see him ever changing, we can all say we won’t do these things again but it’s been like this for 9 years so I think there comes a point where you have to accept reality and stop waiting for him to change, he has been doing his beat lately but after all this time I’m just tired and want to give up at times even though he doesn’t, it’s a hard decision to make even with the history


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## lovelygirl

I wouldn't consider staying with him at all, at this point.

Not only he doesn't love you anymore., but he's got deeper issues like stealing. I wouldn't want a partner like that for my kids and my well-being.

Run! Run away!!!


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## MattMatt

Melll said:


> @MattMatt thank you for your reply, although it may seem a little harsh you have said what I have been thinking for a while now, I just can’t see him ever changing, we can all say we won’t do these things again but it’s been like this for 9 years so I think there comes a point where you have to accept reality and stop waiting for him to change, he has been doing his beat lately but after all this time I’m just tired and want to give up at times even though he doesn’t, it’s a hard decision to make even with the history


It's hard being the only adult in your marriage or relationship. Which is what your are, sadly.


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## Melll

@lovelygirl I agree with what you are saying, that’s why I joined on here because to my family he’s a great guy so I have always been made to look like the drama queen, he stole once from my mum, it was £20, she asked him to go to the shops and he pretended he had lost it on the way, then he stole off me once when we had no money, it was money we got for the children and he pretended it hadn’t been put into my account, I do think the gambling has stopped, it’s the uncertainty of not if but when he will do it again! I had a miscarriage at home one year and I was upset after seeing what would have been my baby and he still loaded the porn up knowing that I had a lot to deal with without added stress! He makes the effort when I nag but it only lasts a few days and then he’s back to making me feel invisible!


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## Spicy

Do not waste another 10 years, 10 days or even 10 minutes with this man. If he isn’t even worthy of being engaged too, why would you stay? 

You need to be honest with your family and fill them in on all he has put you through so you have some support IRL.

Stop this insanity, get your ducks in a row, and get away from him. Find a real man that will love and cherish you. You are still young, and can have a very happy life.


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## DoesItGetBetter?

Melll said:


> @Spicywe were engaged for 5 years but I could not commit to someone I didn’t believe was truly in love with me so at the moment all that has been called off


Hi, Melll,

Oh, I thought you were married to this man. I interpret your above statement to mean that you are not married to him right now. This changes everything in my mind. You don't have a moral or legal obligation to stay in a committed, exclusive relationship to your boyfriend, because you took no oath or signed a marriage certificate. You might want to confirm this with a lawyer. Wow, you both have so many challenges to the relationship - porn, lack of sex, roommate status, emotional distance, gambling, stealing, talking to ex boyfriends - that it will be incredibly hard to fix them, if it is ever possible. If you can provide for yourself and your kids, then you might want to leave and try a different boyfriend. There are other men out there who will appreciate you more than him, perhaps with the gambling, stealing, and withholding of sex! 

Take Care :smile2:


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## leftfield

Porn use at this level is an addiction and should be treated like other addictions such as alcoholism or a drug addiction. The man you are with should be in an addiction recovery program, or it is highly unlikely he will ever over come his porn usage. Addiction recovery programs will have a partner/mentor for your husband. Your husband will be accountable to this person for his porn watching. I bring this up, because if your husband is not being held accountable for his porn usage, he is most likely continuing to use it. Even if he is trying to give it up. 

If he is not in a recovery program you should encourage him to get into one, even if you are not going to stay with him. He needs help trying to get his life on tract.

You will have to decide for yourself if you are willing to stay with an addict. Some couples divorce over drug use and some divorce over alcoholism. On the other hand some spouses stay by the side of the addict and help them recover. Either of those choices is perfectly fine. It looks like you are leaning towards divorce/ moving on with your life.


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## StillSearching

Melll said:


> @DoesItGetBetter? Thank you for your reply, my partners porn use was at a point where he wouldn’t touch me at all, I then had to ask for him to be intimate with me sometimes being turned down, we are still at a point where he will try and turn it on me, he says I do not initiate then when I do he pulls away, after 10 years this would surely have an affect on anyone? We are in a vicious cycle where he will get caught and say it won’t happen again and then he gets caught again, he goes to great lengths to carry on the porn use, it was porn, webcam girls, celebrities basically anything or anyone but me, he does try I think to stop and he does seem sorry, porn isn’t what bothers me it was the fact that it was taking over my relationship and it started to affect me also, that should never happen! I was selfish to speak to my ex but that has completely stopped now and will not happen again, he did say he understood that he has taken my confidence and pushed me away so he is not surprise that I have done what I did.



This is a very interesting view of handling addiction....


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## She'sStillGotIt

Melll said:


> Hi there, I’m new and have decided to join as I don’t really have anyone I can speak to as my situation is a little strange, I have been in a relationship for 10 years now I am 26 year old female and my partner is also the same age, we have 3 children but things started to go wrong after 12 months of dating, he became very distant and didn’t want to touch me, i later found out that it was a porn problem and he said he would stop as it was affecting our sex life and my self esteem, he never did! I have spent the past 9 years hating myself and feeling lonely and unloved, he never seemed to care and I was the one always trying to fix our problems but he never wanted to get involved, he also gambled and stole from me and my family, this has now stopped but I feel like I have put up with his rubbish long enough I have stayed for 9 years hoping he would love me the way I feel like I deserve but it never happened! Soooo... recently I ended up chatting to an ex online, I felt bad but at the same time I believed my relationship was over for me anyway, he made me feel worth something, I haven’t felt like that in years he game me compliments and it really boosted my non existent self esteem, my partner found out he wrote to him and made me delete him but says he wants to try and work through our problems, I love my partner I just don’t no if it’s enough anymore, any advice on what you would personally do is very welcome and thanks for taking the time out to listen to me moan on haha!


 I would have left him a long long time ago and never ever had kids with him. You asked, that's my true response.

But since you didn't and instead chose to have 3 kids with him, that makes it way harder to get out. But I'd still leave without a glance backwards because he's worthless and brings nothing positive to the table.

At all.


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## Tilted 1

Do move forward but do it with integrity, and honor for yourself. Get the legal business done, he has a lifetime of support to his children he had with you. And if he had grown up some he would change. As far as addiction goes you truly can not change anyone, sure you can MAKE THEM! Go to rehab but unless they want the change never going to happen. 

More children are ever the answer, if he didn't change for the first he won't change for the fourth. Then move forward with you new hopes and stay away from him forever. BS from those addicted always seem to have the clever answer and response to keep you sucked in their world.


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## 3Xnocharm

Dont allow this man to waste any more years of your life. You clearly have self esteem issues to have even stayed with him back when you were a teenager. Dump his ass. Then get into therapy and see if you can figure out who the hell you are and why you have allowed this. Stop looking to men to verify your worth.


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## Casual Observer

@Melll - Kind of curious whether you're the type that life just happens to, or if you plan things out. The 3 kids... was that something you were planning on, or it just happened? If you're in the just happened camp, I think you need to start just happening with someone else. This guy is the wrong train to ride. His final destination is a dark & scary place. There's no way you can change his path; he's on a rail. No steering wheel.

Time to get off that train and take some time studying the schedule and destinations before getting onto another. You're still young and have lots of time. I don't think MC is a good idea at this point because there's a basic assumption in MC that a couple wants to or has reason to stay together.


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