# Not being able to trust him as I used to



## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

My husband confessed to me that he has been with three different women since the time that we have been together. He wanted to "come clean" and not carry that guilt with him. I took it very hard, but we are still together.

My problem that I have is that I have a hard time trusting him, and it has affected our relationship in many ways. I always have it in the back of my mind of what he has done, and fear that he will do it again. 

As I mentioned earlier, we are living together in the same house; but we are more like "strangers" than husband and wife. 

I tried different things to try to overcome these thoughts, but our relationship doesn't get any better. 

I don't know what to do..


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

At this point, the onus is on your H's shoulders to regain your trust.

Has he taken any steps towards doing that?Such as, being completely transparent about his whereabouts, and communications with others?

Has he expressed genuine remorse, and empathy for the pain his actions have caused you?

Do you feel like he's trying to "sweep it all under the rug" since he confessed, or is he willing to communicate with you openly and honestly now?

Are the two of you going to MC?


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## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

At first, he would take the entire family to various places, and he did sound sincerely sorry for what he had done. 

He would show affection by hugging and kissing, but I would turn him away because the fact that 'his lips have kissed another woman's lips' was always there... and I couldn't hide that feeling from him. 

When we talked, I knew it wasn't going to be easy; but a slow process. The problem that I feel we started to have is that he expected me to be the same way with him; as if nothing was ever said. He wanted to have sex two days after he told me, and I just couldn't!! 

He has now basically lost patience with me, and we are very distant from one another. It's to the point where I sleep in the couch and he sleeps in the bed; or vice-versa. 

Just last night he left with one of his friends, and he never notified me where he was going... or that he was even leaving. We hardly talk, and (to be honest) I am disgusted to even be in the same room with him. I knew the women that he cheated on me with, and every time I see him; I picture him with them.


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## jitterbug (Feb 13, 2010)

Well,it sounds like he's not acknowledging the pain he's caused you.

He has to, if your M is going to heal.

I don't blame you one bit for spurning his physical advances, has he been tested for STD's? Did he use protection with the other women? Have you discussed that with him?

I know, I know, it's a painful,unpleasant thing to discuss, but you need to know these things, for the sake of your own physical health.

Also, the "mind movies", images of him with the other women, are a completely normal reaction to finding out your spouse has been unfaithful, it's NOT you overreacting.If your H starts to begin doing the work of reconciling (sincerely) they should lessen in frequency and intensity.

Part of the pain of being betrayed by infidelity is being left out of the loop. Realizing that your spouse made decisions that affect your life (and risk your health) without your permission, and without your input.

I'd like to recommend that you take the time to write a list of questions for him....anything, everything that has crossed your mind....

i.e. what was the duration of each affair?

..were you emotionally involved, or was it purely physical?

....did you use protection?

....Is there anything else I should know that you've kept from me?

.......Are you still in contact with any of these women?

etc., etc.


Write down all the questions that have been swirling through your mind, then before you present them to him, ask yourself how many details you want to know.

It's different for different BS's (betrayed spouses) Some want to know every last minute detail, some only want an overview, there's no right or wrong with that........it's up to the individual.

It's hard to forgive when you don't know precisely what you're being asked to forgive.He has to be willing to come 100% clean with you, as part of the healing process.He's already demonstrated that he's capable of being dishonest with you, if it suits his needs. It's absurd of him to expect you to simply take him at his word, until he's done _the __*work *_to rebuild your faith in him.

A good analogy for that is taking a check from someone. Once someone has written you a couple of bad checks, should you continue to accept checks from that individual?

The only way this is going to get resolved is if the communication between you two gets re-established. MC can help with that...if the cost is an issue, check with local churches and/or community centers, there are some who provide sliding scale services.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hi there, first of all I would like to say I'm sorry you are in the position you are in. 
I can relate to your story I've been there and I still am.
I feel like I'm face with a lot of emotions and trust issues as well, something I didn't sign up for and not something that was in my control......
It's a good thing your husband told you about the affairs himself and you should sit down and try to talk about how things are going since he has come clean....
I went to a therapist and he told me to stop trying to make decisions to quickly.....he said it's like a wound and it needs time to heal......
As far as the trust issues are concerned, he told me I shouldn't trust at this point and that was okay for now.....
He said you can't believe what he says for now, he said you know he will lie to protect himself so his word right now doesn't mean anything. He told me to judge only by his actions to make sure I feel comfortable in the relationship.....he said his actions long term with tell me his real commitment to our relationship.....and that is where the trust will come again......
You do need to re-connect with your husband and not sleeping together is not going to work, sleep in the same bed, just re-connect by holding each other for now......
Spend time together and remember the husband you love and forget about what he has done if you want to work things out with him....
It takes time, if you love him he will love you back......all this has taken so much from you and your marriage, stop letting all the bad take over the future you could be having........
Tell him you are willing to let it go and work on your marriage, tell him you will look at his actions towards you and your marriage, if you is serious than he will do what it takes to keep your marriage and family together.....
Have you read the book the Love Dare, 5 love languages.......
Surviving an Affair........it's a tough road but it's worth a great marriage in the end if you do the work, one person can start .....good luck


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