# Trying to forgive



## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

Well....I have been away from here for a few months. I have missed many of you that I chatted with last summer. 

A lot has happened since July. I had resigned to divorce and was moving forward being single and enjoying new friends. In October, my husband (did not divorce) called me crying and begging me to try to forgive him and repair our marriage. After many discussions, and his begging and crying, I gave in and said I would try. I did not feel that was right at the time, but I allowed him to wear me down. 

So here we are in January, with our 27th anniversary coming up. We are getting along well and have been having fun. However I can't seem to get past the lying, deceit, or the affair. She still works with him, and I do believe the income she brings is necessary. They still have rental properties because financially he cannot buy out her interest yet. I have talked to him trying to explain that even though I believe he knows he made a mistake and isn't sleeping with her, she is still there. Every day. He says he cannot kick her to the curb yet. She is working toward her "license" and has about a year to go.

I do not want to make ultimatums as I feel that will cause issues later but I am not sure it is fair or if I can totally reconcile and rebuild with her in the daily routine. I really have struggled more with it in the past couple of weeks and feel like my feet are all the way in. Is there any way to work on this marriage as it is?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can he work at home a lot?

What is the office space like that they share?


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## Emmi (Dec 11, 2015)

Are you in marriage counselling? Any capable therapist or counsellor would back you up in her needing to be cut out of your life completely. Is there any possible way for her to get moved, transferred or work without actually dealing directly with your husband? How is she treating you? Has she apologised? Is she remorseful?


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## breezycello (May 29, 2015)

No, he cannot work from home. He is in the field most of the time but in the office a couple days a week. The office is small. There are 5 people including him. He has his own office with a door as does she. 2 of them sit on an open floor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he only sees her 2 days a week?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So he only sees her 2 days a week?


If they had a sexual affair that's is probably two days a week too many.

He can't kick her to the kerb and she has a year before she gets her licence.

And that is his and your problem in exactly what way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If your H wants to make the marriage work, he needs to stop all contact with his AP.

Would he be fine with you working with your AP?

I do not think he would like that.

have him fix this. Has he taken you to MC?


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Why are you both responsable for her life-her income - her getting her license? I think you owe her nothing. She knowingly got into it with a married man. YOUR husband. She left all rights at the door. 

I think it is absurd that he thinks you should even remotely care about her income and her need to get her license.If he truly wants to show you his remorse and stay in the marriage I'd give him a way of showing it. She needs to be gone. If this would somehow be against labour laws maybe you need to start working in his office too.

How can you be expected to heal when you know everyday that he leaves for work he is potentially spending time with her?

Sorry you are still in pain.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

She needs to go, the fact he still cares for her is a problem. Does everyone in the office know about the affair? If not they should. Make her life uncomfortable, push her out. Who cares if she finishes her license l? That's her issue. 

If she owns multiple properties with your H, sell them, or trade equity to separate them. 

As others have said, you can't start healing until he has no contact with her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

breezycello said:


> I do not want to make ultimatums as I feel that will cause issues later but I am not sure it is fair or if I can totally reconcile and rebuild with her in the daily routine.


Well ideally, when your husband was doing all of his begging and pleading for R; you could have very easily made "no contact" with her a condition. I'm not sure why you didn't.

Nor do I understand why you don't do it now. 

Not trying to bash you, but accepting their continuing contact is a mistake.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If the marriage is to survive - logic and concerns about an affair partner be damned.

Neither of you can concentrate on developing a strong marriage while there is any contact with the affair partner. She is a wedge keeping you apart even if he does not see her everyday. The thoughts of her, and making concessions for her well being, are always a concern, no matter how well meaning, it is a problem.

She needs to be gone from your life.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, I read your other post. Why are you still married to this unrepentant man? He treats you badly, flaunting this OW as the concert that you attended. You are waffling too much. He is taking advantage of you.

I owned rental properties with my husband of 36 years and holding a high stress full time job. I've managed our properties for over 15 years. At this time, my stress level is very high so we have started to liquidate our properties. Your husband is not liquidating properties that he co-owns with the OW? Money is more important to him than your marriage. Do you understand where you stand?

You need to be serious about filing for the divorce and follow through. I do not believe that he has ended his relationship with the OW. One of the posters pointed out to you that your husband is cake-eating. You are Plan B. Rebuild your life and get out of this marriage before it destroys your self-worth. See a psychologist. You need to get coping strategies to get out of where you are in this marriage. You are taking one step forward and two steps back. You will slowly lose your mind.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I read your old thread,when you found about Affair between your husband and OW. 20 years of good friendship went down and your husband blamed you because "you pushed him" from you.

This woman have to go,no more contact at all.

You should not care about her money problems,because she never cared about your marriage,your kids and your happines.

What is even worse,your husband thinks just like this OW. If he really loves you,he would get rid of this woman.

Stay strong my Lady.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

No Breezy.

There is no way you can truly reconcile with your husband as long as this woman has any contact with him.

You will be in false reconciliation and headed for more pain. He must sever all contact no matter the cost.

Have you discussed any of this with DD23? He hurt her as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Can he work at home a lot?
> 
> What is the office space like that they share?


it has a large desk perfect for sex and a king size bed in a back room.

Ha ha sorry....could not resist that one.

All jokes aside, She should not care how much income the other woman needs to bring home. The other woman should be history and if her husband had any sense, he would drop everything for his wife and change careers to something else. My wife did and everything is much better.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

He's got nerve, begs to come back but won't give up contact with the OW because she needs to get her license? What's more important to him, you and your marriage or the OW getting her license? She needs to find somewhere else to work or he needs to find somewhere else to live. That's what I would tell him if I were you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I agree with all the posters here. you tell him, when she is totally gone from his life (in any capacity, friend, colleague, etc) you will CONSIDER working on the marriage, not before that. 
You will not play second fiddle to anyone and it is HIS problem not yours to deal with. I remember your postings from before and how she ripped your world apart. You tell your WH, you owe her nothing! And he can forget you committing to working on the marriage. You have been through the wringer because of him and her. 
If he wants to wait for the year till she is finished, that is his choice but he must also know that you may no longer be available or interested in saving the marriage, you have managed this far without him and can do so into the future also, it's not as if he has started off on a good footing to reconcile.

BC, you need to get this right, do not start reconciliation with your WH calling the shots, YOU should be doing that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How is it going, BC?


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## hodberta (Jan 25, 2016)

You are waffling too much. He is taking advantage of you.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> He can't kick her to the kerb and she has a year before she gets her licence.


This must be how Brits spell 'curb' and 'license'. :wink2:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Provided that R is going to be the order of the day, your H has to know that these following "radical" conditions must occur in order to fully embrace that R concept of his:

(1) You as his BW will call the shots! Not him!
(2) Given that, MC is imperative ~ no questions asked!
(3) No contact whatsoever with his AP!
(4) He agrees to be an "open book," letting you have the option of sharing any and all of his communications!
(5) Both you and him immediately submit to medical tests for STD's!
(6) He must come clean by openly confessing his lurid transgressions to both his and your family, as well as to any of your clergy!
(7) Any hint at deviation from any of these demands promptly results in a "180" against him with you going nuclear on him with bringing in a lawyer!
*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lilac23 said:


> This must be how Brits spell 'curb' and 'license'. :wink2:


We have two words. As an example:-

"The boy was told to curb his enthusiasm for bouncing his balls on the kerb." 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> We have two words. As an example:-
> 
> "The boy was told to curb his enthusiasm for bouncing his balls on the kerb."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How proper and British!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lilac23 said:


> How proper and British!


And Australian, New Zealand and possibly Canadian, too. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> And Australian, New Zealand and possibly Canadian, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bless your multinational little heart!


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Are the two of you living under the same roof since October?


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> And Australian, New Zealand and possibly Canadian, too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


As an Aussie I can confirm this! 

OP- No reconciliation can happen here.


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