# The 180? what does it really mean to the WS?



## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

I saw the 180 a few times here and I gotta say, my H is doing this. For a while now. Turmoil for almost 7 years. His ring off. Everything I do and try is wrong. When I ask if we over, he does not know. Yet accuses me of doing nothing or insert failure here! 

So I gotta ask, what message is a BS trying to send the WS by this 180?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's not for you. It's for them to get ready for life alone while building self confidence. It really has nothing to do with you.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> It's not for you. It's for them to get ready for life alone while building self confidence. It really has nothing to do with you.


So even though they are telling you they don't want you to do things because it would mean no future for "us", telling you they don't know if they want out, telling you to prove yourself to them.....it means they don't want the relationship?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'd greatly have to say that in addition to getting one emotionally/psychologically ready for the highly likelihood of an impending separation/divorce, "the 180" can also subtly be used to not have to deal with an unfaithful WS, until such time that the WS decides to take ultimate ownership and responsibility for the illicit EA or the PA that brought division to their married relationship; and earnestly seeking the possibility of R with their betrayed partner ~ fully knowing that the "trump-holding," ultimate decision-maker in that R process now lies with the BS much rather than the WS!*


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *I'd greatly say that in addition to getting one emotionally/psychologically ready for the highly likelihood of an impending separation/divorce, "the 180" can also subtly be used to not have to deal with an unfaithful WS, until such time that the WS decides to take ultimate ownership and responsibility for the illicit EA or the PA that brought division to their married relationship; and earnestly seeking the possibility of R with their betrayed partner ~ fully knowing that the "trump-holding," ultimate decision-maker in that R process now lies with the BS much rather than the WS!*


This is how I thought but with everything being rejected I am confused so bad. I am about to give up. And when I have asked if we just live like roommates he says I give up to easily on him. 

I asked for a list to reconcile and he is working on it. Yet he says he has no time but has time for video games? 

He claims he is not a score keeper yet he makes negative comments all the time telling me that it was OK me, so why cant he do it. 

Again, just wanting to give up the past few days. If feels like he's keeping me here to make me pay and mess with my head.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

It's the new and better him who won't put up with cr*p anymore. Think of it as a permanent change, a readjustment of his outlook on life as the result of being treated poorly. It won't go away any more than the events that led him to do the 180 will magically go away.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

unsureone said:


> He claims he is not a score keeper yet he makes negative comments all the time telling me that it was OK me, so why cant he do it.
> 
> Again, just wanting to give up the past few days. If feels like he's keeping me here to make me pay and mess with my head.


He may be considering - or having - a revenge affair. He may be punishing you for what you did, but by having this go on for so long, he's not doing himself any good either.

So, have you taken responsibility and have you made changes that show remorse and recommitment to the marriage? If so, and he's not acknowledging this, then your sincere efforts are wasted and he will leave eventually if you don't first. Of course, if you leave, he will blame it on you that you didn't do enough to save the marriage - that may not be true. Only you - and he - can decide that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

unsureone said:


> This is how I thought but with everything being rejected I am confused so bad. I am about to give up. And when I have asked if we just live like roommates he says I give up to easily on him.
> 
> I asked for a list to reconcile and he is working on it. Yet he says he has no time but has time for video games?
> 
> ...


*Unsurone: Let me begin by just saying that I am 100% pro-marriage; and pretty much the same way in favoring a BS over the WS.

But if you feel, as the WS, that there is absolutely no feasible chance that R can ever be considered as a viable option for the continuance of your marriage, then you might well have to pull the plug and execute the D proceedings on your own, in order for you to get some semblence of your life back; more especially if your H is so emotionally hurt and disillusioned from the affair that he just can't find it within himself to bring about any form of R with you! *


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> He may be considering - or having - a revenge affair. He hates cheaters and I had an EA, and he said he is open to anything but not actively looking right nowHe may be punishing you for what you did, but by having this go on for so long, he's not doing himself any good either.I feel he is. He says he is not, but when he has to be negative and mean or cold,or tear down every attempt, what can you think?
> 
> So, have you taken responsibility and have you made changes that show remorse and recommitment to the marriage? Yes, I have went through hoops doing things others would not. If so, and he's not acknowledging this, then your sincere efforts are wasted and he will leave eventually if you don't first. Of course, if you leave, he will blame it on you that you didn't do enough to save the marriage - that may not be true. Only you - and he - can decide that.[/QUOTe


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *Unsurone: Let me begin by just saying that I am 100% pro-marriage; and pretty much the same way in favoring a BS over the WS.
> 
> But if you feel, as the WS, that there is absolutely no feasible chance that R can ever be considered as a viable option for the continuance of your marriage, then you might well have to pull the plug and execute the D proceedings on your own, in order for you to get some semblence of your life back; more especially if your H is so emotionally hurt and disillusioned from the affair that he just can't find it within himself to bring about any form of R with you! *


This is the conclusion I think I may be coming to. I gave myself a time (6 months) to do all I can to change, to make sure I am doing absolutely everything I can. The only thing I am not doing is quitting school. We have tried several times to split and he cant do it. He wont let me leave, but if I had help, I could and my parents said they would help me. Its my heart that struggles. 

Delusional thats the correct term. Because of my actions, inactions etc and my EA and the fact that his love type number one is Acts of service. I never do enough. It changes all the time what I am to be doing.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Steal the game box and hide it. Tell him he gets it back AFTER you and him sit down, eye to eye, and talk about whether or not the two of you are going to work actively towards R together or if he wants to just wallow in pity and anger and do nothing. If it is the latter, tell him you love him but that you cannot rebuild the marriage on your own and will be seeking legal advice about ending the marriage. Be proactive. 

Has he attended any counseling on his own or with you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> Steal the game box and hide it. Tell him he gets it back AFTER you and him sit down, eye to eye, and talk about whether or not the two of you are going to work actively towards R together or if he wants to just wallow in pity and anger and do nothing. If it is the latter, tell him you love him but that you cannot rebuild the marriage on your own and will be seeking legal advice about ending the marriage. Be proactive.
> 
> Has he attended any counseling on his own or with you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We tried 2 sessions, he didnt care for what the counselor said, he does not care for them. I am working on my list of questions right now. I have not been perfect but I have done everything I thought to do, I have given up myself to save this.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

unsureone said:


> We tried 2 sessions, he didnt care for what the counselor said, he does not care for them. I am working on my list of questions right now. I have not been perfect but I have done everything I thought to do, I have given up myself to save this.


How long has it been since Day?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > We tried 2 sessions, he didnt care for what the counselor said, he does not care for them. I am working on my list of questions right now. I have not been perfect but I have done everything I thought to do, I have given up myself to save this.
> ...


 
The EA was 12 years ago where I worked. I do not work now. D day was 6 1/2 years.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unsureone said:


> I saw the 180 a few times here and I gotta say, my H is doing this. For a while now. Turmoil for almost 7 years. His ring off. Everything I do and try is wrong. When I ask if we over, he does not know. Yet accuses me of doing nothing or insert failure here!
> 
> So I gotta ask, what message is a BS trying to send the WS by this 180?


Your husband isn't doing the 180. He's just being passive aggressive. There's a difference.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Second what GUs said. 
He sounds like he is punishing you.
12 years ago. He found out about it 6.5 years ago...are you certain there arent details you are leaving out?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

unsureone said:


> I saw the 180 a few times here and I gotta say, my H is doing this. For a while now. Turmoil for almost 7 years. His ring off. Everything I do and try is wrong. When I ask if we over, he does not know. Yet accuses me of doing nothing or insert failure here!
> 
> So I gotta ask, what message is a BS trying to send the WS by this 180?


Has he said he's doing a one 180? or is he just acting in a way that is similar?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Your husband isn't doing the 180. He's just being passive aggressive. There's a difference.


:iagree: 100%

He is not doing a 180. The purpose of the 180 is for the BS to protect themselves emotionally until the WS agrees to end the affair, go no-contact with the AP, and to work on marital recovery.

If the WS never does the above, then the 180 has helped the BS move away from the WS so that they can separate emotionally, fall out of love and end the marriage.

Your husband is acting very passive aggressively. That's not the 180.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

Thundarr said:


> unsureone said:
> 
> 
> > This is the conclusion I think I may be coming to. I gave myself a time (6 months) to do all I can to change, to make sure I am doing absolutely everything I can. The only thing I am not doing is quitting school. We have tried several times to split and he cant do it. He wont let me leave, but if I had help, I could and my parents said they would help me. Its my heart that struggles.
> ...



Maybe a confusing it. just seems the same. I didn't cheat at school. He thinks I did with someone from school. 

I have told him everything. More than I should have about my past before meeting him.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I agree with others...this is not a 180. A 180 is used specifically to help restore diminished respect and establish a parameter of boundaries when a spouse is in the middle of an affair or other destructive/acting out behavior.

A 180 is NOT meant to be a delayed, passive aggressive/cold shoulder technique with _vague purpose_ without defined or time-sensitive goals...or meant to be used for revenge.

It sounds like he chose to be bitter and has been poisoned by his inability to process and grieve through the affair. It may be in your best interest to pull up your tent stakes and move on unless there is some serious professional intervention.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

unsureone said:


> So even though they are telling you they don't want you to do things because it would mean no future for "us", telling you they don't know if they want out, telling you to prove yourself to them.....it means they don't want the relationship?


If a BS is careful how they use it, they can attempt to change the dynamics of the relationship with it. Like anything else, it doesn't always work.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is exactly what I understand it's for. The purpose of the 180 is for the BS to protect themselves emotionally, so that they can separate emotionally, fall out of love and end the marriage.

In a very few instances, it has caused a WS to pause and talk with the BS, but those are very few. If a WS uses it, they will crush the BS, but they will have a much easier time of breaking away from the BS and there's a chance they will get anything they want in the divorce. It can be very cruel if used by someone hateful.

He's being cruel and what seems like abusive to me.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

SamuraiJack said:


> Second what GUs said.
> He sounds like he is punishing you.
> 12 years ago. He found out about it 6.5 years ago...are you certain there arent details you are leaving out?


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/248442-anyone-survive-after-7-years-turmoil.html

Lots. But yes, it seems to be making me pay, thats how it feels anyway


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Has he said he's doing a one 180? or is he just acting in a way that is similar?


No, just acting that way



EleGirl said:


> :iagree: 100%
> 
> He is not doing a 180. The purpose of the 180 is for the BS to protect themselves emotionally until the WS agrees to end the affair, go no-contact with the AP, and to work on marital recovery.
> 
> ...



It just is so very confusing to want someone to fix it, but not b there to fix it? Or shutting you out.


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## unsureone (Feb 4, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> If a BS is careful how they use it, they can attempt to change the dynamics of the relationship with it. Like anything else, it doesn't always work.


I am trying to think that this may be why? 

Without professional help this is very difficult, I guess thats the reason I am here.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

He needs the help. You can't change him. I don't know why you would feel compelled to put up with that for so long. I'm not a professional, so I'll bow out of this. I hope you find peace.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

unsureone said:


> So I gotta ask, what message is a BS trying to send the WS by this 180?


The 180 is them deciding not to take any crap. About face, forward march.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Depends on the WS. For some like my ex I suppose it meant a taste of freedom. If that is what she wanted or needed then I guess I was happy to provide that for her as a parting gift. I don't know if that's what she got or not though, never really had an inclination to find out, since by that point I was detaching and realizing that if she didn't want what I had to offer I was going to keep it to myself for awhile until I found someone worthy to share it with again.


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