# Needing suggestions on improving our sex life more



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Hey all my TAM friends. First I want to thank you all for this amazing site and all that I have learned here in the last year. I have tried to contibute back on things that I feel I can help on.

A quick recap of my situation and how I found TAM since I don't start a thread very often. 

DH and I are in our 40s. First marriage for him, second for me. Only a few years in. I am HD, he is LD. This is the way it has always been, not a recent change. Other than that, we are an exceptional match. He is verbally willing to improve things, but it doesn't seem to really happen, and I think we are both to blame. I am not an aggressor and neither is he. We are affectionate in daily life, without a doubt. You can read more details in my former posts. He's not gay, or having an affair. We are VERY much in love and have good communication, so throw it at me, and we can give it a whirl.

Here is my question: How do we improve where we are today?

My challenges as I see them: He has had a tremendous amount of partners, but claims very few actually liked sex. A big part of that was probably his lack of skills, and he has said that. I think he has only ever done the exact same routine in bed. He has never cum in a woman. He also had very low success with them getting him to cum. Maybe 30% of the time. He had to do himself. I have about a 95% success rate getting him off, and it astonishes him. It's easy, because I know what he likes. I think he is definely messed up because of mostly cumming to his own hand, and a vag is never going to be that tight. To get him to cum though, I basically have to revert to the exact thing that works, and I don't know how or if we can get out of this rut?!?

Although I have expressed my desire for variety, and he verbally says he would like to try new things, what happens ends up being identical every single time. I am bored out of my gourd. Things are almost down to only hands, and me giving him oral (he doesn't return the favor, never has, hates it from past bad experiences.) We sometimes include my vibe. There is no history of abuse or religious hangups about sex. When we have it he really enjoys it. But we only average maybe twice a month at best. I bought him "She Comes first". It has never been opened, which hurts me. When I try to guide him into a different position, he is very awkward, and ends up losing his erection in the process. Overall boners are not an issue, it seems the changing anything up is. He has never experienced any positions other than missionary and cowgirl. Although I have had few partners, I have had amazing sex, and a large variety. I'm of the mindset, anytime, anywhere, anyway. I like to not know what is coming next, and I love a man to take charge. I wish he would begin to research and try new things. Again he is verbally willing, and readily admits he wants to make changes. 

I have to own it and say I do get hurt by his lack of desire overall. This upsets him because he only wants to make me happy. He truly is a wonderful man, and I love him, so posts telling me to leave are not going to be helpful. Say what you must, but I am looking for any useful suggestions for ideas to improve things, not break them up. I am more attracted to him than I have ever been to anyone in my life. I want to devour him, and have him devour me. Suggestions?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Does he watch porn?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I agree if you both could watch some porn it may help him venture out. Has he mentioned about any fantasies he has?


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Any other question. How many partners have you had and how many has he had?


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

I would suggest checking out the Sinclair Institute educational videos. They are well mad and show real couples performing and discussing a variety of sex topics. The video demonstration are pretty well done they do not look like standard porn but like couples who are really into each other.

Check them out! maybe he will get a few new ideas.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

How does a guy have a bad experience with cunnilingus?

This is long shot but perhaps check out Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone and/or the practice of orgasmic mediation. FTR, I read the book but my wife threw it at me (we're good) so we never tried OM.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

I would start by having him go to his doctor and get his TLvls checked.

If his doctor gives him any issues, have him tell the doc that he no longer desires to have sex (the doc will most likely do a screening that day).

Find out what his TLvlvs are.
If they are low, then there is part if the issue with him being LD. He can get onto a testosterone replacement to help.

Never understood the needing of the hand over a vag to finish. While the hand is much tighter, it never feels as good.

Have you tried doggy to get him to finish? I know I'm like a two hump chump with doggy (can't help myself - being a butt man, it's real difficult to not finish like a teenager having sex for the first time while doing doggy). Make sure to have yours together to make it a tighter experience for both of you (you can even go face down to make it even hotter).

CAT position might be a good choice as well - he can rail away and you can squeeze your legs together to tighten up everything.

Not sure your stance on pr0n, but potentially showing him something you want to try with him.

Also, him not giving oral - time to be a big boy and get over his bad experience. If need be, you shave and shower to make it "clean and safe" for him. He's a grown man, he should be wearing you like a feed bag (time to be blunt with him here. You - horse. Me - feed bag. Get over here and start eating these oats!)


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

You might need to get more clear about how important it is to you. You mention it, he verbally shows agreement and desire to fix things but doesn't actually do it. It's just making the complaint stop for a while instead of fixing the problem. I hate that. 

I'm not saying leave, just make it clear that this will be a make or break issue. It's only been a few years now. Fast forward to 5, then 10. It can become something you will leave over in the future if he doesn't do something to fix it now. 

No oral? Ugg, I've been with some of them and they don't typically change that. Loving to give oral became one of my deal breakers when dating to avoid men like this. 

He needs to stop MBing if he still is. He may need some reprogramming to associate fulfilling sexual need with good sex. 

Starting in a new position would mean he doesn't need to switch. 

Idk, my ex had some of this stuff. When I demanded more because it wasn't good for me, it became even worse, I was pressuring him too much and it was a big amount of effort on his part and he just didn't want sex at all. He had a sex drive, would MB daily but didn't want to put the work in do get better. We did videos, writing, talking, porn, fantasy talk. Nothing fixed it. 

I think some guys just don't care about sex enough to really want it to be amazing. If it's too much work or something they don't want to do (like oral) they just won't bother. They'll go MB instead or even just go without sex. 

Change, long term, might not be something you can get from him. If that is the case, can you live with it?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

You say he wants to make you happy but he is really only paying lip service to you. 

OP he is the one that should be here seeking help, you cannot make him do or change anything, he has to do that himself. If he truly loved you as much as he says then he would be proactive about fixing your dysfunctional sex life. His lack of desire for you will keep on eroding your self esteem. You love him more than he loves you, this is not a good place to be.

I get it, you don't want to leave him over this but unless you take a very firm stand then you are giving up your future happiness for a man that is by the account above both lazy and selfish. Tell him how it is, he takes real steps to fix this or you leave him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are some parallels to my situation- with the genders reversed. My wife *wants* us to have a good sex life, *wants* to please me - in general. In specific though there is a very limited set of things she is willing to do. 

Sadly there may not be much you can do. Level of desire in general, and desire for variety seem to be pretty innate. He may just not be able to be what you want sexually in the same way that I've concluded after 30 years of trying that my wife is unable to be what I want. 

The problem is that he has to really want things to change AND be willing to make those changes. It doesn't sound like he is willing to try. 

Trying to find his kinks and desires would be a win - but its quite possible he doesn't really have any. 

Is he able to talk about this. Can you sit down with him an find out why he says he wants to change but doesn't actually want to try something new?

Do you think he would be willing to take the mojoupgrade test? Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade 
A "safe" way for him to indicate what he is willing to do. 

Again it sounds like my wife. She will ask what things I would like. She will say she wants to do new things - but turns down every specific thing I recommend, but when asked, has not recommendations of her own. The rejections are always temporary "I don't feel like that right now", and I think she believes she will feel more adventurous some other time - but she never does. 

I think your husband is in the same spot. He *wants* an exciting sex life, but can't find anything specific he finds appealing.

I know the above isn't really helpful. What might be helpful is to suggest that you not get your hopes up too much - the constant disappointments can be really depressing. You love him and want to stay with him. That is fine, but be aware that may mean not having the sort of sex life that you desire.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> Does he watch porn?


Nah, he used too, when he was single, but we generally don't. We openly discuss that too...


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Volunteer86 said:


> I agree if you both could watch some porn it may help him venture out. Has he mentioned about any fantasies he has?


I have asked, and he doesn't seem to have any. I want him to ask me back, but he hasn't. I have told him a few ideas. Like I said, he always sounds game, but nothing happens. He likes some ass play, so I incorporate that, and think I will check out some toys in that realm. As far as porn, sometimes when we are in Mexico or the Caribbean they will have some channels, and we have watched a little. I know he has seen plenty in his life, it hasn't seemed to have given him any other ideas thus far....


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Spicy said:


> Hey all my TAM friends. First I want to thank you all for this amazing site and all that I have learned here in the last year. I have tried to contibute back on things that I feel I can help on.
> 
> A quick recap of my situation and how I found TAM since I don't start a thread very often.
> 
> ...


I am going to follow this thread intently, as my marriage is extremely similar to yours.

My wife has had more partners than I have, but her over all sex life, it seems, mirrors your husbands a little bit. I have had fewer partners, like you, but sex has been more satisfying for me, as well. I am the HD, she is the LD. We have a little more sex than you guys are having, but generally in the ballpark. Like your husband, my wife is not that open about the topic, and our sex life (though good over all) is also confined to the "same old, same old" and has become somewhat... boring? She also agrees that some spice and variety would be a good idea, yet this never seems to actually occur. The main sticking point I have, which also seems similar to your situation, is that it's all heavily weighted to my efforts, both in initiating sex, and having sex. She participates, but it almost seems like she's doing things from a checklist, if that makes sense. As opposed to reckless abandon and throwing caution to the wind.

Etc etc etc. A lot of similarities. If I can chime in here, I will, but I'm interested to see the responses.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Hmmmm, that does sound like a sticky wicket. I would avoid putting any pressure on him (not because he doesn't deserve it, but because it won't help), maybe suggest that you both take a piece of paper and a pen, write down a fantasy, and then exchange the papers later? 

I'm sure he's wonderful in other ways, but that "won't go down because of previous bad experiences" is ungallant, to say the least, if he expects you to do for him but he won't do for you. You're his wife. If he's so keen to please you, he'd at least read the book, and you can tell him I said so. 

If he likes ass play, spank him raw until he listens to you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Unless there is a physical issue or psychological issue that can be addressed and improved (clearly, there does seem to be some sort of psychological issue, at least), I'd say you're fundamentally incompatible sexually. What you do about it is up to you - I really don't have any useful advice for you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I bought him "She Comes first". It has never been opened, which hurts me.


Some people really hate reading. While it seems awkward, read the book yourself and then talk about sections that interest you with him. Perhaps highlight a few sentences here and there and have him read just those few lines when you need to make a point. 

Don't use the book to berate him, but instead use it as if you need his help and input to better understand something. After all, you are trying to better understand him and what ideas might improve things for the two of you.

I got a book for my wife once on improving our relationship. She took it as a huge insult as if I was buying the book as a way to tell her that she was inadequate and needed help. I was hurt that she would not read it, but she was hurt more that I bought it for her. In her opinion I should have learned to appreciate what I have as opposed to always wanting more. In reality that turns out to be the truth as so much about the quality of intimacy is about the confidence we help instill in our partners. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

If his problem is low T and can be resolved thru meds, that is your best chance for success. So get him to the doctor ASAP.

If that is not the mechanism at work here, then I am sorry to say our experience here at TAM is that your odds of improving things are not good. Men who are low libido for reasons other than low T hardly ever change.

I have no scientific backing for this, but here is my theory. Adult male levels of testosterone typically produce high libido. If your male has normal T but low libido, some very powerful force must be at work to overcome the T. Might be prior abuse. Might be some really unpleasant consensual experiences. Might be his family or religion drummed into his head that sex is dirty and wrong and evil. Maybe he has Madonna/prostitute syndrome. But whatever it is, it is powerful. Otherwise his T would push him to have sex. Unless he is willing to admit what the issue is, and seek treatment for it, and do the likely unpleasant work of moving past his psychological obstacles, nothing will change.

Get your man tested now. If his T levels are normal, you have some tough decisions to make. I would not wait hoping it eventually gets better. It won't. Your life will be passing you by while you wait.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> How does a guy have a bad experience with cunnilingus?
> 
> This is long shot but perhaps check out Slow Sex by Nicole Daedone and/or the practice of orgasmic mediation. FTR, I read the book but my wife threw it at me (we're good) so we never tried OM.


He says the taste (smell?) makes him gag. Literally to the point of throwing up. 
So I don't know if these were some girls that didn't clean the bush or what...but I shower every night before bed and am meticulous in that region. 

It's super disappointing because my XH spent plenty of time down there, so I was pretty spoiled on that front too.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

he most likely won't change very much either accept him or move on.

sorry but after seeing similar post about this I've come to the conclusion that some people are just selfish/poor lovers and are not going to change. and if they do its for a very breif time then its back to the same old same . rinse repeat 

my advice is to move on


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Spicy said:


> He says the taste (smell?) makes him gag. Literally to the point of throwing up.
> So I don't know if these were some girls that didn't clean the bush or what...but I shower every night before bed and am meticulous in that region.
> 
> It's super disappointing because my XH spent plenty of time down there, so I was pretty spoiled on that front too.


Not that this is specific to you, but in a broader sense....doesn't it make sense that some men would have the same issues some women have when it comes to sensitivity in taste, texture and stuff with oral? It's quite well known that these things affect how women view giving bj's. Not sure honestly why any one would be surprised by this.

I regularly give my wife oral, and she regularly showers and shaves, and there are wide variances in taste, texture and amount of fluid from her depending on where she is in her cycle, what she has eaten recently, how my she has drank, hell, there are even differences depending on how much sleep she has gotten. Some times are most definitely a bit less palatable than others.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Spicy said:


> He says the taste (smell?) makes him gag. Literally to the point of throwing up.
> So I don't know if these were some girls that didn't clean the bush or what...but I shower every night before bed and am meticulous in that region.
> 
> It's super disappointing because my XH spent plenty of time down there, so I was pretty spoiled on that front too.


In my experience IRL and on TAM, it's women who are much more leery about being "fresh" than guys. I have a hard time believing someone would let him go down on her if she wasn't reasonably clean. I, not having those parts, can only assume you have a good idea on what's up down there. 

I'm not calling BS on this but it is a red flag IMO.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There seems to be a strong correlation between LD people and disliking performing oral. Maybe part of LD is not actively enjoying your partner's pleasure and that is mostly what makes giving oral fun? 

The people who dislike oral will frequently argue that oral on *them* is fine while their doing oral on you is asking too much. I know my wife enjoys receiving oral but will rarely do it for me and argues that its "not the same at all". Sound like your husband makes the argument in the other direction. 

I generally view refusing oral (when your partner does it for you) as directly selfish. 




Spicy said:


> He says the taste (smell?) makes him gag. Literally to the point of throwing up.
> So I don't know if these were some girls that didn't clean the bush or what...but I shower every night before bed and am meticulous in that region.
> 
> It's super disappointing because my XH spent plenty of time down there, so I was pretty spoiled on that front too.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Also, some people are much more sensitive to tastes and odors than others. H2 will often ask me if I smell something, and I do not. But she does. So combine increased ability to detect with strong dislike of certain tastes or odors or both, and you can imagine that some people will find themselves unable to tolerate giving oral sex.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I had my exs t levels tested and he was normal. Some guys just don't care. Their sex drive can be good but they don't care about pleasing their partners. 

That's the same story I got from my ex who wouldn't do oral. It's a cop out IMO. I gave a guy head one time that seriously needed a shower. Yuck. Didn't stop me from doing it for the next guy. 

They just don't like doing it. Some girls hate giving oral, some guys hate giving oral. You can't change them. You have to decide if you can live without it. 

Compatibility needs to include sexually. It's one of the most important parts. How many people here thought "it's not great but it'll get better" 10,20,30 years ago and are still frustrated? It's either compatible or not and it doesn't change all that much. 

At best OP you may get small changes that may come and go when you stop and start complaining. But even then you'll know he's doing it because you told him to and not because he wanted to or really cared. That's what I couldn't deal with even when my ex tried. I didn't want it if he didn't *want* to. 
That was a fun conversation ("you tell me you want this so now I say I'll do it and you don't want it?! Wtf is wrong with you?") 

Being with someone now who wants to do all the things I wanted then is a night and day difference.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Not that this is specific to you, but in a broader sense....doesn't it make sense that some men would have the same issues some women have when it comes to sensitivity in taste, texture and stuff with oral? It's quite well known that these things affect how women view giving bj's. Not sure honestly why any one would be surprised by this.
> 
> I regularly give my wife oral, and she regularly showers and shaves, and there are wide variances in taste, texture and amount of fluid from her depending on where she is in her cycle, what she has eaten recently, how my she has drank, hell, there are even differences depending on how much sleep she has gotten. Some times are most definitely a bit less palatable than others.


Yes, it makes sense. I don't push for it. I respect that he doesn't like it.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> The people who dislike oral will frequently argue that oral on *them* is fine while their doing oral on you is asking too much. I know my wife enjoys receiving oral but will rarely do it for me and argues that its "not the same at all". Sound like your husband makes the argument in the other direction.
> 
> I generally view refusing oral (when your partner does it for you) as directly selfish.


Yeah, my wife too, she says oral on me is "disgusting" and "selfish", but her opinion is markedly different when it comes to me going down on her.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Spicy said:


> He says the taste (smell?) makes him gag. Literally to the point of throwing up.
> So I don't know if these were some girls that didn't clean the bush or what...but I shower every night before bed and am meticulous in that region.
> 
> It's super disappointing because my XH spent plenty of time down there, so I was pretty spoiled on that front too.


Honestly, he just sounds lazy as hell and unwilling to put any effort into anything.

Unfortunately, your willingness over the years to give 110% sexually while accepting very little in return has caused a huge imbalance and has set a years-long precedent that you're now stuck in. 

You can tell a truly good lover from a crap one. A truly good lover is completely enthusiastic and happy to please and full of passion, etc. Then there are the crappy ones like your husband who put zero effort into sex and have all kinds of lame excuses for not _wanting_ to put any effort into it, but are greedy and selfish enough to happily accept all YOUR efforts to please *them*. Those types suck and need a good throat punch.

Personally, I'd be letting him know his years of slacking are *over* and you're no longer willing to settle for his unsatisfying, lazy, uninspired 'lovemaking.' You say he's willing to do 'anything' to make you happy, but clearly he's not. He's lazy and selfish. :frown2:


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> Yeah, my wife too, she says oral on me is "disgusting" and "selfish", but her opinion is markedly different when it comes to me going down on her.


Ugh.

Another one who needs a throat punch.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I completely agree that a good lover is enthusiastic. Where I disagree is that I don't think a bad lover can change. They might be pressured to do certain things, but I don't think that they can have passion.

A good lover *enjoys* pleasing their partner. It not that they give oral because they *should* they do it for the fun of watching / feeling their partner go wild. A good lover remembers the encounters where they drove their partner wild, not the ones where they were driven wild. 






She'sStillGotIt said:


> Honestly, he just sounds lazy as hell and unwilling to put any effort into anything.
> 
> Unfortunately, your willingness over the years to give 110% sexually while accepting very little in return has caused a huge imbalance and has set a years-long precedent that you're now stuck in.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Yep She'sStillGotIt. Good lovers just do it. They want to, they love it. Sadly there seems to be getting more of these crappy male lovers out there based on recent dating experiences but a good lover was my #1 priority after dealing with a lazy one for so long. 

I just don't think you can train a lazy lover into a good lover. It's the want and desire and love of pleasing that isn't there. They can go through the motions cause you told them to but it's never the same. 

And it has nothing to do with you OP. Truly they would be the same with anyone.


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

She'sstillGotIt I like the way you think, we put!


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

uhtred said:


> A good lover *enjoys* pleasing their partner. It not that they give oral because they *should* they do it for the fun of watching / feeling their partner go wild. A good lover remembers the encounters where they drove their partner wild, not the ones where they were driven wild.


:iagree:

I once read that the definition of being good in bed is wanting to please your partner.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

vauxhall101 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I once read that the definition of being good in bed is wanting to please your partner.


That's a good place to start for sure, but I do think natural ability comes into play. Practice can help make people acceptably good at something, but like any other physical activity, no matter how much practice is involved, some people are just going to be better at it than others. Take baseball or golf for example...regardless of how much practice, most people are never going to be good enough for the PGA or major leagues because they simply lack the physical ability to ever be that good.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Practicing with another woman could tell you absolutely nothing with a new one since we are all different and like different ways. Same with me, I could be the best at giving oral to one guy but another one likes it different so now I'm new again. 

I hated guys who totally knew how to get a woman off, they were the best ever at it. They know their way, it doesn't work for everyone. 

Wanting, desire, enthusiasm- these things make you focus and want to please your partner so you pick up on signs of what they are enjoying and try different things to see what works best so they are great in bed.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Practicing with another woman could tell you absolutely nothing with a new one since we are all different and like different ways. Same with me, I could be the best at giving oral to one guy but another one likes it different so now I'm new again.
> 
> I hated guys who totally knew how to get a woman off, they were the best ever at it. They know their way, it doesn't work for everyone.
> 
> Wanting, desire, enthusiasm- these things make you focus and want to please your partner so you pick up on signs of what they are enjoying and try different things to see what works best so they are great in bed.


Yep...not nearly so much about the actual moves as much as it is about being in tune with, and being able to read your partner. The intuitive ability to do that comes far easier to some than others.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I agree that recognizing your partner's responses helps but I still think that by far the most important issue is the desire to please them. 

If you really want to please your partner, you will learn how to do it well. If you don't want to please them, there will never be real passion, even if you physically do all the right things. 






samyeagar said:


> Yep...not nearly so much about the actual moves as much as it is about being in tune with, and being able to read your partner. The intuitive ability to do that comes far easier to some than others.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya, my bfs skills are amazing because he loves it. Sex is far more a mental thing than a physical thing. A guy could do all the right moves but not get anywhere cause the mindset it wrong. 

The fact that I know he loves it and wants to do it is what makes it feel so good. 

Another man could replicate his "moves" exactly but without that actual desire and enjoying doing it, for himself not just me, it would be nothing. 

I went from a woman who took 30 minutes to O with a partner and pretty specific list of requirements to get there (including no piv Os) 
To a multi-orgasmic, takes minutes to get there, can O with PIV and many other ways as well. Just because of his attitude. It's not like he has tricks and moves that are so different and new. 

Yes, I'll brag about his skills to him but it's his attitude.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Ya, my bfs skills are amazing because he loves it. Sex is far more a mental thing than a physical thing. A guy could do all the right moves but not get anywhere cause the mindset it wrong.
> 
> The fact that I know he loves it and wants to do it is what makes it feel so good.
> 
> ...


It's definitely a combination of factors that can make sex truly mind blowing with the right person, and missing any one of the parts makes the whole thing not as enjoyable. Without desire and enthusiasm for a partner, without the ability to physically read the responses of a partner, without the physical skills to actually do something with those things...


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## theDrifter (Mar 20, 2017)

You are a normal, sexually healthy woman in the prime of your "horny years" so know that NONE of this is on you. He's just not able to give you what you want/need in the sack. However, maybe you can make things perk up a bit and the first step is what you are doing now - looking for ideas. So, here are a couple of my ideas that might help.

First, understand that as long as a man cums during sex he is satisfied. Whatever you do in bed that gets him off is all he is interested in doing. This is true for nearly all men - at least until they become enlightened to female needs & desires. Your man is, how can I say this, a little slow on the uptake? Sex for him is you guys fooling around until one of you finally grabs his wand and jerks him off. He has his orgasm and is pretty much done with sex. Since talking hasn't helped much I would urge you to withhold your hand from jerking him off. When he wants to finish let him do it himself and, when he starts, maybe grab your phone or turn on the TV. He doesn't need you and doesn't seem interested in really trying other things so show him that you don't find jerking him off to be all that satisfying to you. 

Another thing to know is that to most men, there is nothing sexier than a woman's ass. That means add doggy-style to your positions and give him that visual. I have to be careful not to pop right away when my wife and I do this...and we always do this. Also, you mentioned butt-play so I'll suggest asking him to do you anal. It can feel a bit tighter and between the visual and the pure naughtiness of it - maybe it will do the trick. Yes, anal intercourse is different than anal play but nearly all women who enjoy any type of butt-sex graduate to the full monty at some point. My wife now prefers it over vaginal and she's far from alone in this.

Finally, you can't both be submissive. You want to be "taken" and maybe tossed around a bit and, honey, he ain't up for it. So, perhaps you can find a dominant little sl_t inside yourself if you look hard enough. It's worth a try. If you do find that being the Dom is sort of cool you might find that your husband is a true sub and wants/needs to be treated that way to enjoy his sexuality. Wouldn't it be a shame if this was the case and you never even barked up that tree? 

Good luck...


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## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

I agree with Drifter, you may like it not sure, but I think you get her interest with anal. I know mine does with my wife. She loves it


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

First, understand that as long as a man cums during sex he is satisfied. Whatever you do in bed that gets him off is all he is interested in doing. This is true for nearly all men - at least until they become enlightened to female needs & desires. 

^ I can't quote but I don't believe this is most men. A lot, too many.

But many men love pleasing a woman more than himself. My bf has very often just done things for me without himself. 
He's always been that way


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and a man who can't make PIV sex pleasurable for both and be giving with sex isn't going to make anal sex pleasurable for both. Anal sex can be extremely unpleasant when not done right. It really can't be a selfish, lazy thing.
I'd work on his basic skills before adding anything extra.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Spicy have you ever both taken a course on Tantric/Tranta love making? it surprising how much you get to know your own body and what it is capable of doing.


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## theDrifter (Mar 20, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> This is true for nearly all men - at least until they become enlightened to female needs & desires.
> 
> ^ I can't quote but I don't believe this is most men. A lot, too many.
> 
> ...


Pretty much all guys in their teens & early 20's are like this. If the woman they are having regulars sex with doesn't ask for more than guys don't experiment all that much. They do what they do to get off and don't change that routine unless they have to. Now, their "do what they do" might be a quick missionary or an hours long marathon but, in either case, my point is that they won't change their repertoire on their own unless SHE wants it. As guys get older and experience many women they simply become more open to new stuff. In other words, they find new stuff that they find fun and, of course, they cum. But if a guy is monogamous, married or not, he has no reason to change what he does unless she asks/insists on it. It has nothing to do with selfishness - it's all he knows. Selfish is when she's made her want's/needs known and he still just gets off and goes to sleep.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

@Spicy I hesitate to ask but how is he with foreplay?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

uhtred said:


> There seems to be a strong correlation between LD people and disliking performing oral.


Yep.




uhtred said:


> Maybe part of LD is not actively enjoying your partner's pleasure and that is mostly what makes giving oral fun?


That part of LD would be the selfish / taker part.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

theDrifter said:


> Pretty much all guys in their teens & early 20's are like this. If the woman they are having regulars sex with doesn't ask for more than guys don't experiment all that much. They do what they do to get off and don't change that routine unless they have to. Now, their "do what they do" might be a quick missionary or an hours long marathon but, in either case, my point is that they won't change their repertoire on their own unless SHE wants it. As guys get older and experience many women they simply become more open to new stuff. In other words, they find new stuff that they find fun and, of course, they cum. But if a guy is monogamous, married or not, he has no reason to change what he does unless she asks/insists on it. It has nothing to do with selfishness - it's all he knows. Selfish is when she's made her want's/needs known and he still just gets off and goes to sleep.


This is pretty much the difference to me between a bad and a good lover. A bad lover will be like the above. A good lover will be trying and wanting to please their partner in any way they can before they need to ask. Their priority is pleasing their partner, not themselves. His or her pleasure is #1. They will look and try to learn new ways of pleasing their partner because of their own desire to do it. Him/her cumming isn't satisfying without them being pleased and he/she will please their partner without always needing to be pleased themselves. 

A guy who just does what he likes until a woman tells him to change isn't a good lover and will likely never be one. There's the desire to please her in any and every way on his own that is missing. He shouldn't need to be told anymore than a woman needs to be told a man likes to enjoy sex too.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Spicy said:


> Although I have expressed my desire for variety, and he verbally says he would like to try new things, what happens ends up being identical every single time. ... I bought him "She Comes first". It has never been opened, which hurts me. .... I wish he would begin to research and try new things. Again he is verbally willing, and readily admits he wants to make changes.


He may be *verbally* willing to change but he isn't *actually* willing to change. 

When it became apparent early on in my marriage that my wife wanted sex more than I did, I was eager to change. Doctor visits, Internet research, Viagra, Testosterone Enhancement, Tri-Mix shots, everything.

If my wife wanted me to read "She Comes First", I'd have read it from cover to cover in a day.

Why did I do all that and your husband has done nothing?

Because my wife's happiness is very important to me.

It doesn't look as if your happiness is all that important to your husband.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Is he taking any medications that could hinder sensitivity? 

You could try him abstaining from any activity for a while, see if that helps. 

As for bad experiences with oral, some people just don't bathe regularly or maybe he got caught up in a bush! Ever almost choke on a pube hair? Omg, It's the most horrible experience ever! Ask his dislikes about it, maybe he will explain the reasons and you can try having a good experience. He needs to try again. 

Changing positions, maybe take control and tell him that you want to try something different and nothing else will happen unless he tries new stuff. Sometimes we need to push ourselves and our partners out of our comfort zones. 




Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## theDrifter (Mar 20, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> A guy who just does what he likes until a woman tells him to change isn't a good lover and will likely never be one. There's the desire to please her in any and every way on his own that is missing. He shouldn't need to be told anymore than a woman needs to be told a man likes to enjoy sex too.


Not sure if this is meant to be serious?

Expecting a man to read your mind and/or be totally dedicated to pleasing a woman is a very immature idea. It's like the White Knight thing. It is a setup for much disappointment. Many, many women don't have the courage to tell their husbands what they want or that they need something different to orgasm. Most of these guys would be "good" lovers if their wives communicated their needs/wants to them in clear terms. Wishing he's read your mind is a really bad way for a woman to get what she wants from a man.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

CharlieParker said:


> @Spicy I hesitate to ask but how is he with foreplay?


It barely exists. He was completely clueless about this when we got together. He isn't a big fan of kissing but I am. Oddly enough he is a great kisser. I have expressed to him how much I enjoy kissing, and other forms of foreplay. He has definitely improved in trying to incorporate more of that. I'm easy to turn on, and things are oiled and ready to go with minimal effort, and I get really turned on playing with him. So I will give him credit for improving it some.

It doesn't affect him that profoundly. He is super ticklish, so kissing and caressing him is hard, plus it has less effect then it does for most people. He definitely doesn't need it, and would be fine with just straight to the wang.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Ouch 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

IMHO, if a person giving isn't into giving then it isn't worth getting.

It will be halfassed and short not really enjoyable . It's a lose lose situation your Resentful because you kill yourself giving them some mighty fine oral and they are Resentful because they had to do it at all. 

If I was in the market or a relativity short relationship and this reared it's butt ulgy head I would be gone so fast her head would spin.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

chillymorn69 said:


> IMHO, if a person giving isn't into giving then it isn't worth getting.
> 
> It will be halfassed and short not really enjoyable . It's a lose lose situation your Resentful because you kill yourself giving them some mighty fine oral and they are Resentful because they had to do it at all.
> 
> If I was in the market or a relativity short relationship and this reared it's butt ulgy head I would be gone so fast her head would spin.


I agree. 
When I started dating again it became my # 1 priority. Literally. There had to be other stuff too but this was my #1 non negotiable, no wiggle room item on my list. 



But what to do when you're with someone you love and adore and want to be with for the rest of your life and they suck in bed? 
Most people here took a suck it up and deal approach. 
Some left. 
Some found enough progress to keep them happy but not totally fulfilled. 

Idk. If it was once there and got lost due to relationship issues or stress or medical problems then they can work on the cause. 

Just not liking or caring enough about sex is a hard situation.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Spicy said:


> just straight to the wang.


Coincidentally, this is the working title of my autobiography.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Spicy have you ever both taken a course on Tantric/Tranta love making? it surprising how much you get to know your own body and what it is capable of doing.


No, and I don't know anything about it either. I will google it. Thank you!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

theDrifter said:


> Pretty much all guys in their teens & early 20's are like this. If the woman they are having regulars sex with doesn't ask for more than guys don't experiment all that much. They do what they do to get off and don't change that routine unless they have to. Now, their "do what they do" might be a quick missionary or an hours long marathon but, in either case, my point is that they won't change their repertoire on their own unless SHE wants it. As guys get older and experience many women they simply become more open to new stuff. In other words, they find new stuff that they find fun and, of course, they cum. But if a guy is monogamous, married or not, he has no reason to change what he does unless she asks/insists on it. It has nothing to do with selfishness - it's all he knows. Selfish is when she's made her want's/needs known and he still just gets off and goes to sleep.


And herein I believe is some of his problem. He was kind of a late bloomer, and didn't become sexually active until his early 20s. By then, he had certainly figured out what worked for himself. His relationships were relatively short, and/or with women who didn't like sex. Within the first few months of our relationship he had already said he and I had more sex by far than he had ever had with any other partner. This was mind boggling to me, because I was having tons less than I was used too. Looking back on it, our first few times HE ended up handling himself. I was so inexperienced as far as having other partners I didn't think tons of it the first couple of times. I paid close attention though and figured out quickly what made him tick, and took over. After a while I asked him if he was concerned about getting me pregnant, and was that why he hadn't cum in me? That's when I found out he never had. I didn't even know that was possible. I still can't believe it. 

I also think that porn generally shows the men cumming outside the woman, and that may play a role also, but since that isn't the case for most men, maybe not. 

Ultimately he always tries to get me off too, so although many are saying he is totally selfish, it is not to the level of him getting off and going to sleep.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

vauxhall101 said:


> Coincidentally, this is the working title of my autobiography.


I must have an autographed copy. >


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Leave, Cheat, Live like a monk / nun.

They are all wretched choices. 
Leave the person you truly love?

Cheat and be the bad person, betraying them?

Live without sex or with only bad sex and resent them for the rest of your life? 





SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> snip
> But what to do when you're with someone you love and adore and want to be with for the rest of your life and they suck in bed?
> snip
> .


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think we train our bodies to cum with different things. I couldn't O without a vibe for a while, stopped using it and eventually I re-learned. Same with some needing porn or MBing with their hand. 

If he's up to it I would suggest a total sexual hard drive wipe (lol) Turn it all off. No MB, no sex, no nothing for a while and then turn it back on again restarting with the sex you want to be having. 

May be worth a shot.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

uhtred said:


> Leave, Cheat, Live like a monk / nun.
> 
> They are all wretched choices.
> Leave the person you truly love?
> ...


For me, a key that makes us different than other couples unhappy with their sex life, is I chose to marry him fully knowing this. I have to own that. Like another poster who said the priority in their next relationship was great sex because they hadn't had it in their last one...my priorities also fell to the things I didn't have in my first marriage and I most certianly have those things now. 

I'm not going to cheat, I'm not going to leave. I am very willing to continue to try and I hope he will be too.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Leave, Cheat, Live like a monk / nun.
> 
> They are all wretched choices.
> Leave the person you truly love?
> ...


Ya it's a crappy situation. Sex is so important. I don't think many people even realize how important until they've been in that kind of situation. Oh it's just sex, there's more important things in a marriage. Sex isn't everything. 

It's huge. If it fails eventually everything gets brought down with it. Like a black hole sucking in everything around it. 

Me and my bf have talked about this a lot. Big priority is maintaining our sex life. Because when sex is good you feel connected, loved, happy, communicate better, want to meet each other's needs. In general of course, there's always those who don't fit into this. 

With that is a priority to maintain wanting each other which in general is "don't get lazy everywhere else either" (Chores, looks, dating and loving) but sex is a must. Always.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

theDrifter said:


> Another thing to know is that to most men, there is nothing sexier than a woman's ass. That means add doggy-style to your positions and give him that visual. I have to be careful not to pop right away when my wife and I do this...and we always do this. Also, you mentioned butt-play so I'll suggest asking him to do you anal. It can feel a bit tighter and between the visual and the pure naughtiness of it - maybe it will do the trick. Yes, anal intercourse is different than anal play but nearly all women who enjoy any type of butt-sex graduate to the full monty at some point. My wife now prefers it over vaginal and she's far from alone in this.
> 
> Finally, you can't both be submissive. You want to be "taken" and maybe tossed around a bit and, honey, he ain't up for it. So, perhaps you can find a dominant little sl_t inside yourself if you look hard enough. It's worth a try. If you do find that being the Dom is sort of cool you might find that your husband is a true sub and wants/needs to be treated that way to enjoy his sexuality. Wouldn't it be a shame if this was the case and you never even barked up that tree?
> 
> Good luck...


Great post, thank you. I would LOVE to try doggie with him. It's actually my favorite position. He has never in his life tried it of course. We did attempt once, and it was not successful because of what I mentioned about changing positions and losing the boner. 

When I mentioned ass play I actually meant me playing with his while getting him off. He likes to yank my panties up mine, and that also seems to be a key piece to his turn on. Neither of us has ever tried anal, but I would be willing. 

I can certianly try to be more dominant. If it worked, I would be anything he wants!!!!! I wanna bark up that tree please!!!!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Can you start with doggy so he doesn't need to change positions? 

If trying anal, warm up with fingers or a small toys first. Lube, there can't be too much lube. And slow, you control the pace to start. Fully relax and only go as far as comfortable, try to relax more and then do more. Do not try to have anal sex like vaginal sex, it'll hurt. Badly. You can tear and bleed and open wounds in an area not easily cleaned is not fun. Do be careful. But it's great when you get the hang of it. 

You can also start with a small toy or plug while he is piv, see how that goes first. Get a vibrating one is fun, he can feel it inside while he does his thing  

If he likes the yanking, could he be wanting more dominant stuff? If you being more dominant doesn't work, try submissive?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

Spicy said:


> Great post, thank you. I would LOVE to try doggie with him. It's actually my favorite position. He has never in his life tried it of course. We did attempt once, and it was not successful because of what I mentioned about changing positions and losing the boner.


Have you tried any sex pillows? Wedge, ramp, etc? As I've gotten older doggie has become difficult for me, a large-ish bolster works wonders and is super hot.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

The problem is that yo may not have fully recognized the impact of a poor sex life on your overall happiness (which of course varies a LOT from person). I fooled myself into thinking that it would naturally get better. That as she recognized that I loved her completely she would want to find ways to make me happy as well. It never happened.

I can't fault your decision - its the same one that I made 30 years ago. Looking back though I often wonder if I made the right choice - and that greatly saddens me. 






Spicy said:


> For me, a key that makes us different than other couples unhappy with their sex life, is I chose to marry him fully knowing this. I have to own that. Like another poster who said the priority in their next relationship was great sex because they hadn't had it in their last one...my priorities also fell to the things I didn't have in my first marriage and I most certianly have those things now.
> 
> I'm not going to cheat, I'm not going to leave. I am very willing to continue to try and I hope he will be too.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Might work but beware of the dreaded "why would you want to do that" response from someone who is LD. 

Anal is fun, but my guess is that it won't appeal to someone who has difficulty dealing with different positions. 




SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Can you start with doggy so he doesn't need to change positions?
> 
> If trying anal, warm up with fingers or a small toys first. Lube, there can't be too much lube. And slow, you control the pace to start. Fully relax and only go as far as comfortable, try to relax more and then do more. Do not try to have anal sex like vaginal sex, it'll hurt. Badly. You can tear and bleed and open wounds in an area not easily cleaned is not fun. Do be careful. But it's great when you get the hang of it.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

uhtred said:


> Might work but beware of the dreaded "why would you want to do that" response from someone who is LD.
> 
> Anal is fun, but my guess is that it won't appeal to someone who has difficulty dealing with different positions.


This is true too, my ex was all "that's gross" 

Just throwing it out there if she gets a yes, do it properly or it's not fun. It can be a lovely addition to a sex life if done right but it's a little more complicated than lube it up and shove 'er in.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Spicy said:


> just straight to the wang.


which also as it turns out, made for a hit song in the 80's 

Ev'rybody Wang Chung tonight


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> DH and I are in our 40s. First marriage for him, second for me. Only a few years in. I am HD, he is LD. This is the way it has always been, not a recent change. Other than that, we are an exceptional match.


Stand back and look again.

Absent having that critical marital foundation of sexual compatibility, you cannot ever be an exceptional sexual/marital relationship match.



Spicy said:


> He is verbally willing to improve things, but it doesn't seem to really happen, and I think we are both to blame. I am not an aggressor and neither is he. We are affectionate in daily life, without a doubt. You can read more details in my former posts. He's not gay, or having an affair.


Yes you are both to blame. You have the responsibility of ignoring significant sexual incompatibility and choosing to press on regardless. While he is responsible for not actually wanting to improve your sex life and not being honest enough to tell you that he is unwilling to improve things.



Spicy said:


> We are VERY much in love and have good communication, so throw it at me, and we can give it a whirl.


I don't doubt that you are very much in love, yet you don't have good communication when your husbands actions don't correspond with his expressions of willingness.

I'm sorry there is nothing to throw at you.



Spicy said:


> Here is my question: How do we improve where we are today?


You don't!

There is nothing that will improve this sexual relationship for you.



Spicy said:


> My challenges as I see them: He has had a tremendous amount of partners, but claims very few actually liked sex. A big part of that was probably his lack of skills, and he has said that. I think he has only ever done the exact same routine in bed. He has never cum in a woman. He also had very low success with them getting him to cum. Maybe 30% of the time. He had to do himself. I have about a 95% success rate getting him off, and it astonishes him. It's easy, because I know what he likes. I think he is definely messed up because of mostly cumming to his own hand, and a vag is never going to be that tight. To get him to cum though, I basically have to revert to the exact thing that works, and I don't know how or if we can get out of this rut?!?


You have several banner parades of pre-Perestroika red flags to wade through, so there is no getting out of this rut.



Spicy said:


> Although I have expressed my desire for variety, and he verbally says he would like to try new things, what happens ends up being identical every single time.


Since your husband has never tried to learn to walk properly when it comes to sex, his reluctance to go for a sexual jog is perfectly understandable.



Spicy said:


> I am bored out of my gourd.


Indeed.



Spicy said:


> Things are almost down to only hands, and me giving him oral (he doesn't return the favor, never has, hates it from past bad experiences.) We sometimes include my vibe.


If I spent most of my sex life servicing someone sans much if any sexual reciprocation, I would quickly stop servicing them.



Spicy said:


> There is no history of abuse or religious hangups about sex. When we have it he really enjoys it. But we only average maybe twice a month at best.


Of course he enjoys it you're servicing him.

Likewise one doesn't need a history of abuse or religious hangups to be rubbish at sex.



Spicy said:


> I bought him "She Comes first". It has never been opened, which hurts me. When I try to guide him into a different position, he is very awkward, and ends up losing his erection in the process. Overall boners are not an issue, it seems the changing anything up is. He has never experienced any positions other than missionary and cowgirl. Although I have had few partners, I have had amazing sex, and a large variety. I'm of the mindset, anytime, anywhere, anyway. I like to not know what is coming next, and I love a man to take charge. I wish he would begin to research and try new things.


Your husband is who he is.

The sex life he already has is sufficient for him, there is no reason for him to change since he isn't broken.

You cannot fix him.

Whenever you settle for less, you will get exactly that.



Spicy said:


> Again he is verbally willing, and readily admits he wants to make changes.


Absent action his verbal willingness is just empty rhetoric.

The words he offers to assuage you cost nothing.

If he wanted to change things, he would do exactly that.

Instead he chooses otherwise.



Spicy said:


> I have to own it and say I do get hurt by his lack of desire overall. This upsets him because *he only wants to make me happy*.


Unless that involves having him trying to meet your sexual desires.



Spicy said:


> He truly is a wonderful man, and I love him, so posts telling me to leave are not going to be helpful. Say what you must, but I am looking for any useful suggestions for ideas to improve things, not break them up.


As wonderful as he is and as large as your love for him burns. You cannot make your husband desire you sexually when he has no desire for you sexually. Just as you cannot make your husband an accomplished or even competent lover if he has no interest in being one.

What you do with that reality is entirely up to you.



Spicy said:


> I am more attracted to him than I have ever been to anyone in my life.


Unrequited love or in other words unrequited sexual yearning is no fun at any age.



Spicy said:


> I want to devour him, and have him devour me.
> 
> While ever he doesn't want to devour you, your desire will remain misplaced.
> 
> Suggestions?


Perhaps you could resign yourself to frustration, disappointment and resentment, while trying to find comfort in other things like a hobby of some sort. All while you try to find peace in learning to accept what you choose to suffer.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> For me, a key that makes us different than other couples unhappy with their sex life, is I chose to marry him fully knowing this. I have to own that. Like another poster who said the priority in their next relationship was great sex because they hadn't had it in their last one...my priorities also fell to the things I didn't have in my first marriage and I most certianly have those things now.
> 
> I'm not going to cheat, I'm not going to leave. I am very willing to continue to try and I hope he will be too.


It's okay to forgive yourself for changing your mind after realising you have made a mistake.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Always Learning said:


> I would suggest checking out the Sinclair Institute educational videos. They are well mad and show real couples performing and discussing a variety of sex topics. The video demonstration are pretty well done they do not look like standard porn but like couples who are really into each other.
> 
> Check them out! maybe he will get a few new ideas.


I don't mean to hijack, if I am, but I checked those educational videos out yesterday. There's a volume 2 online to watch, it goes in a step by step narration of what a guy should do. I was interested because I'm always interested in learning more and pleasing my wife, and myself for that matter. So definitely check those out and we'll good luck with it. I hope it works out for you guys. 
Btw alwayslearning, thanks for the videos, it led to other stuff as well that my wife and i checked out last night and well, needless to say, it worked out well for the both of us lol. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

It's all a matter of attitude, and taking on the task, (horrible) of pleasing the other....not yourself.
Pick on the things that turn the other on....and do them. 
Not waht you want....what the other wants. 
No matter if it's not your favorite, or does to you what it does to the other.....just do it.

Funny how it will work out, to turn around being fair play. 
When you, as a couple, get there....there is no limit!


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## Always Learning (Oct 2, 2013)

Jamie296 said:


> I don't mean to hijack, if I am, but I checked those educational videos out yesterday. There's a volume 2 online to watch, it goes in a step by step narration of what a guy should do. I was interested because I'm always interested in learning more and pleasing my wife, and myself for that matter. So definitely check those out and we'll good luck with it. I hope it works out for you guys.
> Btw alwayslearning, thanks for the videos, it led to other stuff as well that my wife and i checked out last night and well, needless to say, it worked out well for the both of us lol.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


Jamie,

Glad I could help, there was a time when those videos helped my LD wife for a while, but she has since reverted back to her LD self.


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## Jason Bourne (Jul 30, 2017)

No such thing as bad smell or taste especially if you have a thorough shower and doing whilst showering or in the spa. 
Is he on any antidepressants or BP meds?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I love my husband, my family and my life. I feel VERY fortunate that we found each other. You do not know us, and I respectfully disagree that we can't be an exceptional match. I have yet to see a couple that are perfect and compatable in all aspects. If they say they are, they are lying. This is the area we struggle with compatibility in...therefore I am here to seek helpful input.

Reading your dramatic reply, I guess perhaps my post came off as that I am miserable and very unhappy with my life. It's simply not the case. I apologize that I was so unclear on that. That being said, I do want improvement in my sex life. We have been working on it all along and there have been some improvements and I believe more can be made.

I kinda doubt I am alone in this, considering the level of content just on this site! 



Personal said:


> Stand back and look again.
> 
> Absent having that critical marital foundation of sexual compatibility, you cannot ever be an exceptional sexual/marital relationship match.
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

snerg said:


> I would start by having him go to his doctor and get his TLvls checked.
> 
> If his doctor gives him any issues, have him tell the doc that he no longer desires to have sex (the doc will most likely do a screening that day).
> 
> ...


*Oh, hell yes!

Amen, Brother!*


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I think you get these responses because a fair number of people here are miserable about their sex lives, and they project that onto others.






Spicy said:


> I love my husband, my family and my life. I feel VERY fortunate that we found each other. You do not know us, and I respectfully disagree that we can't be an exceptional match. I have yet to see a couple that are perfect and compatable in all aspects. If they say they are, they are lying. This is the area we struggle with compatibility in...therefore I am here to seek helpful input.
> 
> Reading your dramatic reply, I guess perhaps my post came off as that I am miserable and very unhappy with my life. It's simply not the case. I apologize that I was so unclear on that. That being said, I do want improvement in my sex life. We have been working on it all along and there have been some improvements and I believe more can be made.
> 
> I kinda doubt I am alone in this, considering the level of content just on this site!


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I think you get these responses because a fair number of people here are miserable about their sex lives, and they project that onto others.


I've been reading on this forum for a little while now but I just recently became a member. That seems to be very true. Ppl do seem to be miserable about sex with their partners and so they go straight to the "you should leave" sometimes ppl just want sound advice as to how to fix something before it completely breaks. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Jamie296 said:


> I've been reading on this forum for a little while now but I just recently became a member. That seems to be very true. Ppl do seem to be miserable about sex with their partners and so they go straight to the "you should leave" sometimes ppl just want sound advice as to how to fix something before it completely breaks.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk




Wellll...most of us have BTDT, and are trying to save some posters YEARS of their life trying to fix something that is unfixable. 

I think if a post shows some promise of improvement that there are plenty of responses on how to try before sinking the boat. The more time you spend here, the more you will figure out who's being honest and who's just bitter. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I see that Snerg asked about testosterone levels, but didnt see if you ever replied Spicy.

This NEEDS to be done imo. Being somewhere in your 40s could be GREATLY affecting your husbands drive. Could lead to his mild ED in a way with the switching positions too. Once the mind gets going at that age about losing/maintaining wood it can be a nightmare.

Get the T levels checked. Maybe he'll get all kinds of horny if its low and he get on some T replacement.

Otherwise some WEIRD things you need to get worked out in counseling imo. NEVER cumming inside a woman? NEVER having done doggy? The oral thing is weird to me, but to each their own I guess. Otherwise the lack of a desire to try much at all seems like some sort of trauma could have happened to him sexually at some point. At least thats me playing amateur psychologist.


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## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

I'm wondering if he is losing his libido. That happened to me. It was taking a lot to get me to orgasm and eventually I got to the point where I really didn't want sex. I started taking a whey protein supplement because my personal trainer said I was not getting enough protein in my diet. Shortly after I started taking the supplement, my libido started coming back. Not enough protein in his diet might be something to consider.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

OP- What about printing off a list like this? You can add/take away. I looked a bit for a better list but I'm on my work computer so I'm a little limited lol 

LATCHES: BDSM Checklist

Anyway, you both fill it out, make sure he knows there's no judgement for whatever he puts a high number on, and you can see if you have some new things you both have an interest in that you didn't know about. Now too you know his hard limits, the 0, and things he'd be willing to do if you enjoyed them. Now instead of yes and no, you have more wiggle room.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Oh and for lols I had to look some of those things up. 
Don't look them up! You will regret it. 

Though looking through it again it does have the whole range of vanilla to extreme and you never know, he may have a kink he doesn't know how to bring up. 

I found it helpful to identify my kinks when I also saw more extreme kinks, cause I didn't feel so much like a freak. Like sure I like X but I don't like Y so I'm not really weird. * not that those who like y are weird. It was just my headspace*


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

There's also Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- What about printing off a list like this? You can add/take away. I looked a bit for a better list but I'm on my work computer so I'm a little limited lol
> 
> LATCHES: BDSM Checklist
> 
> Anyway, you both fill it out, make sure he knows there's no judgement for whatever he puts a high number on, and you can see if you have some new things you both have an interest in that you didn't know about. Now too you know his hard limits, the 0, and things he'd be willing to do if you enjoyed them. Now instead of yes and no, you have more wiggle room.





CharlieParker said:


> There's also Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade


Have done the Mojo Upgrade one with my wife. Not bad. Has a lot of different sexual activities on there. But I found it lacking in that ONLY items both showed some interest in would be listed. So if Spicy marks a ton of items as willing to try, great. But if her husband is apparently as low drive and stuck in a rut as he is, it will do NO good. Just make her more upset that he doesnt want to try anything. At least thats likely imo. 

Counseling and a T check first Spicy. Imho at least.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> There's also Interactive Sex Questionnaire for Couples | Mojo Upgrade


Just tried this one out. I like it! Though I kind of wish I had an option that was between no and if he wants to. A 0-5 rating system might work better with it but it was quick (good for LDs who don't want to do a lot of work) and included a lot. I included the "advanced" stuff when I did it. 

And I agree with middle that it should show it all and not just what you both said yes to. 

If I say no to something and see he has an interest in it, it would give me the opportunity to be all "what part of that interests you, maybe we can add it in a way we both will enjoy"


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Spicy said:


> I love my husband, my family and my life. I feel VERY fortunate that we found each other. You do not know us, and I respectfully disagree that we can't be an exceptional match. I have yet to see a couple that are perfect and compatable in all aspects. If they say they are, they are lying. This is the area we struggle with compatibility in...therefore I am here to seek helpful input.
> 
> Reading your dramatic reply, I guess perhaps my post came off as that I am miserable and very unhappy with my life. It's simply not the case. I apologize that I was so unclear on that. That being said, I do want improvement in my sex life. We have been working on it all along and there have been some improvements and I believe more can be made.
> 
> I kinda doubt I am alone in this, considering the level of content just on this site!


I never claimed you can't be an exceptional match, I did however claim that absent having sexual compatibility you cannot be an an exceptional sexual/marital relationship match. Your posts highlight your lack of sexual compatibility, that sexual incompatibility is why you and your husband cannot be an exceptional sexual match together.

None of your posts make me think you are miserable with the rest of your relationship, or with your husband outside of your sexual experience with him.

I believe you love your husband, family and life. At no point have I claimed you do not, nor do I believe you aren't fortunate for finding your husband.

Yet all of that does not negate the following and much more with respect to you and your husbands sex life and sexual compatibility



Spicy said:


> I am bored out of my gourd.





Spicy said:


> I have to own it and say I do get hurt by his lack of desire overall.


Although you don't like what I wrote my input is helpful, with the gist being you cannot fix/change your partner (he is not broken). Love cannot compel your husband to be something he isn't. If you wish to stay happily married to him for the long haul acceptance of your sexual status quo is better than nurturing resentment.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

uhtred said:


> I think you get these responses because a fair number of people here are miserable about their sex lives, and they project that onto others.


Is your sex life miserable?

Having asked that, my response has nothing to do with me being miserable about my sex life or of projecting that onto others.

Since I have never been in a sexless relationship or carried on any sexual relationship, where I have found my partners to be sexually incompatible after trying them out once through thrice while dating.

While I have also enjoyed a terrific high quality, non-vanilla, high frequency sex life with my wife of 18+ years through the last 21+ years.

My response was simply my reasoned assessment of Spicy's situation with respect to her sexual relationship as described by her. Incidentally my wife who has also never been in a sexless sexual relationship also concurs with my assessment of this.

Some people like my wife and I think they can have it all with respect to romantic relationship compatibility and settle for nothing less. While some other people think they can't have it all with respect to romantic relationship compatibility and are willing to settle for less.

For both types who find themselves in marital relationships with notable disappointment the former ones will let their partners go and move on, while the latter ones will tend to hang on to their partners with toxic resentment.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

Toys... Toys... works for us; 

Dirty talk... Dirty talk Works for us

sneak off to a motel in the middle of a Sunday afternoon. 

meet wife at a bar but show upn a few mintues late. That really turned on my wife. Two guys were hitting on her and I walked to her and said "my name is ___________ I got a room upstairs. Do you want to F____? She said yes and we headed out of the bar with those two guys starring at me...

Calle wife... told her on the way home and wanted her on bed naked and spread. she was to leave front door unlocked. now that was a wild afternoon!! (did this one last month when I turned 75 and she was 73)


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Middle of Everything said:


> I see that Snerg asked about testosterone levels, but didnt see if you ever replied Spicy.
> 
> This NEEDS to be done imo. Being somewhere in your 40s could be GREATLY affecting your husbands drive. Could lead to his mild ED in a way with the switching positions too. Once the mind gets going at that age about losing/maintaining wood it can be a nightmare.
> 
> ...


Oops, I apologize. Yes, that was the first thing we did, and had tested. All was good back then. Perhaps we should do another round since it's been a while. Agreed, I do find those other things very odd. I have flat out asked him many times if anyone ever hurt him sexually or anything in that regard. He says no, not at all. I do understand that some of these kinds of abuse can be blocked out, or the people refuse to talk about it. So there is always that chance, but I don't pick up any vibe on anything of the sort.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> OP- What about printing off a list like this? You can add/take away. I looked a bit for a better list but I'm on my work computer so I'm a little limited lol
> 
> LATCHES: BDSM Checklist
> 
> Anyway, you both fill it out, make sure he knows there's no judgement for whatever he puts a high number on, and you can see if you have some new things you both have an interest in that you didn't know about. Now too you know his hard limits, the 0, and things he'd be willing to do if you enjoyed them. Now instead of yes and no, you have more wiggle room.


How great, I can't wait to print and read these over. Thank you!


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