# Has anyone out there saved their marriage from this?



## confounded (May 13, 2011)

I've been struggling now for some time wondering if this is the end of my marriage. And I'm too embarrassed for myself and my husband to talk about it with my girlfriends. So I'm stuck. Feedback, please!!

Here's the situation:
Met my husband abroad. He immigrated to be with me. We have been married for six years and have a 3-year old.

A few months after my daughter was born, I was on the computer and found a photo of his genitals on the computer as though it had been attached to an email or posted to a board. I checked the web history on our browser and found he had been visiting sites about random hookups, glory holes (??I didn't even know what that was!!), etc. He was doing all of this while I was breastfeeding our daughter in the other room. I felt terribly betrayed and confronted him about it. He said he felt terrible, had not sent the photo anywhere, had not acted on it, and was just "curious."

I suddenly found myself suspicious of my husband-- something that did not come naturally to me.

We continued for another 18 months with a diminished but active sex life and marriage. Then one day I saw a text come in on his cell phone and he deleted it right away. It made me suspicious. So that night I got up in the middle of the night and went to check his phone. There were no incoming messages in his inbox, but in his outbox, I found all kinds of messages arranging rendezvouses with women AND men. I was devastated.

When I confronted him with this, he was terribly upset, said he had a problem, had only tried to meet up with someone (a man!) once and chickened out. He went to see a counselor at my demand and worked with him for a few months-- said they identified that he tended to engage in these activities when he was "bored" (whatever!). I haven't seen any additional sites or texts on our browser or his phone since, but of course he is wiser now. I genuinely believe that he was upset about hurting me but he is selfish.

Since then, we have not had sex in a year (in part because I'm not sure how to trust him, and in part because he is not particularly affectionate with me). He has never been very huggy-kissy but even less now. When we talk, it is more him talking AT me rather than with me. I am a fairly intellectual person and frankly am bored. Additionally, he has either grown to be more whiny and self-centered, or I'm noticing it more now? It makes me crazy.

I don't know what to do.

pro's to divorce:
I don't have to deal with whiny, lazy, selfishness, nor do I have to expose my daughter to that example daily.
I don't have to worry about the cheating, or the blow to my self-esteem of having a husband around to is apparently indifferent.

con's:
my daughter growing up without her dad, for the most part
i can't stand the thought of him having her alone, let alone god forbid if he goes back to england, because of the bad example he would set.
financially it would be challenging.
i think he would be very hurt if I divorced him.
our parents would be devastated
not sure i would ever find anyone else-- while i am smart, funny, hardworking and successful, i am obese.

The thing that is really killing me is that in the last three months, I have started having nightly dreams about other men-- not erotic dreams, but dreams in which these men clearly care about me. Similarly I have an innocent crush on a work colleague (which I would never act on-- he is married), but it hurts me because I see the stark comparison between him and my husband.

I have mentioned couples therapy several times in the last year to my husband and he does not want to do it. When I bring up my feelings about our marriage, he ends up angry as though my feelings are unfair criticisms.

I'm just so tired and sad. I have gotten medication for depression, which is helping some, but I just feel like the status quo is not acceptable, so what do I need to do to fix this or move on?

Need advice, please.


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## remakingmylife (Apr 18, 2011)

I wish I had advice... I'm too close to my own mess right now to think clearly. I just wanted to let you know I feel for you, and hopefully one of the older (and wiser) forum members will respond soon.


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## joan888 (May 11, 2011)

I am not wise, but want to respond to ask you to ask yourself if you think you could ever be in love with him again. If I were in your situation I hope I would be strong enough not to stay with him only for fear of not finding someone else or fear of being on my own. In practice I don't know what I would actually do but this is how I think I would feel.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

He would be "hurt" if you divorced him? What is he inflicting on you, every single day?

I'm not walking in your shoes, I am not going to offer any kind of advice or opinion, but that jumped right out at me.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Two issues

1) You need to be happy about yourself, your self image
2) You seem to have a secretive serial bi sexual cheater on your hands

He immigrated to be with you. Well, tell him that your marriage is on the line. 

He has to be open completely with you in every which way. Rid all sexual sites off the computer and you need access to everything he does. 

He has to win back your trust. 

Copy everything, sites visited, mobile links. You might need it for Court. Look at the phone bills and paid "subscriptions". That's a real danger sign. Get yourself checked for STDs.

Some mobile providers appear to be faciliating the reach of pornography straight into men's mobile phones. Yip. Target marketing for hidden pornography via sub contract "providers".

Apparently an individual targetted claimed a well known mobile provider txt'd him about their "Personal Services" offering. After a fight with spouse he was curious and went to the "Personal Services" section previously txt'd because he was bored and angry, lonely after a dispute. 

Enter a new divide and influence into a relationship at a time of weakness.

Mobile Phone companies should have a separate contract that needs to be signed before enticing people with their "Personal Services" and some social networks have been caught with prostitute rings operating within their "friendly" social networking sites.

This is a cancer infecting society and some big players appear to be acting like vectors for pornography straight into the homes of people who would never normally trawl looking to hook up with the opposite sex. A dirty top shelf mag. is something quite different to realtime txt'd and web cam pics. It is interaction that can lead to physical liasions with people in your home town or Inter State. 

It could be early days, a one or two time event, or it has since become an addiction that is running his life and ruining all your lives.

Stop it now, act immediately or you will never save your marriage from this.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

He doesn't want to seek couple's therapy because *he doesn't care about you or the marriage.* That in and of itself says that you are married in name only.

The question is *do you want to live in a one-sided open marriage?*


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

There is that old saying, you can lead a horse to water....

You now have to decide what you want. The fact that you are still at least weighing your choices indicates that you do want to save your marriage. You cannot fix the marriage by yourself, which is what you've been trying to do. He has to want to fix it. It is time to lawyer up to see what your legal options are, AND at the same time demand marriage counseling and his commitment towards salvaging the marriage. Of course you can't force him to do any of this. You have no choice but to put D on the table, that you are prepared for D if he does not want to continue or try to save the marriage. This is one option.

The other option is to accept the marriage the way it is, sexless and emotionless. 

What is not an option is having an affair, even an emotional one. You are better than that. You are at a crossroads right now.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Sorry, but he is probably gay, in his culture that is a sin, and he has been struggling with it. If that's the case, marriage with a woman does not help either of you.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Zombie Thread.


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