# HELP! Young child close with both, one wants to move OOS!



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Any adivse, suggestions, comments from those who have or are going through seperation/divorce/dissolution/etc and have young child(ren) and one parent wants or is moving out of state due to just simply cannot handle not being part of your life completely?

I'm at a cross road that is a sess pool sucking me in. I feel like a gerbil caught in a wheel and I am so mentally and emotional exhausted I fear one day I won't be able to move. I have no focus at work anymore, and I love my job. I go through the motions every single day. Some days better than others. Some days, we have enjoyable days together. But not sure ultimately, in the end, that's enough for me. I've posted my story earlier on under Considering Divorce/Seperation. 

The one and only thing that is being said to me that haunts me and will probably take me to my grave should I move on, is the statement of "you complete me and if I cannot have you with me as complete family, I have nothing and I cannot and will not stay around". He has no family close and feels no friends. Although our circle of friends were and are his 'original' friendships from when we met 18yrs ago. He says cannot bare our daughter seeing him a basket case as that's what he will be if we seperate. He cannot and will not be the one to tell her we will no longer be together. That will have to be my doing, my responsibility, and my problem to handle with her. 

She is close with him. The typical 6 (soon to be 7) year old that plays the parents though. If daddy makes her mad, she's all mommy and visa versa. I'm so lost. Counselor told him daughter very well may be the glue that keeps us together. However, it scares me it's not the proper glue for the right break. I've never experienced this before. My first marraige, his second. No divorces in my family, several in his. 

I feel like horrible person to come to this point in my life. He says no one will ever love me or be my best friend like him. I do believe that. But he wants me to say 'that is enough' for me, and I am not able to do that. I have become complacent, weak, hate my self, my body. I do nothing for me. I have no friends of my own, or my age. I miss not experiencing or having independence. All that makes me feel like a failure. Depressed, yes I know. 

Just looking for advise, if it came down to it, how to handle emotionally connected child.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

sorry for your situation but it left me curious as to why you're splitting up. It sounds like you were once madly in love mutually- so much that you two were codependent on the marriage for your happiness & existance purposes. That's some strong love and as you have come to realize, I'm sure, is that this kind of love can be the most difficult to cope with when lost. But you have to remember that you were both your own persons even though it was such a long long time ago. Finding your own two feet doesn't mean you've tossed away the marriage completely - which is what I have seen many couples like you fear most. Thus, positive changes can't happen because you can't get out of the rut. Your marriage is now at a crossroad definitely: one street leads to a return to the start with a ton of effort while the other street leads to throwing in the towel and attempting to exist alone. Either road requires you both to regain a sense of self in order to achieve happiness. Its an old fundamental cliché: you have to love yourself before you can love another. I believe people can change and it's foolish to throw in a towel IF both partners agree they love one another and both partners are open & willing to be optimistic about the future. Optimism is a huge part of a healthy marriage and as you know depression and low self esteem can squash that. 
Regardless of what you do your daughter will still love you. I am the daughter from divorced parents that lived long distance. If you have the means to fly your daughter to the partner with less custody time then it would be much easier to keep the parental bond alive. Its not very fair to be moving out of state because of the marriage but understandable in situations like military or job offering. The success of your daughter's well being lies in the constant outpour of unconditional love from both parents via whatever communication method possible. Creativity helps greatly but the main focus should be avoiding putting her in the middle of any marital anguish. My Dad would speak poorly of my Mom and vice versa when I was 5 and they divorced and it wasn't fair for me to be tossed about different "sides" all the time. I clung to the parent that was least selfish and most attentive of my life which ironically was my STEP DAD!!! lol! don't let divorce make you selfish people but do seek independences and happiness! =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

lovelieswithin said:


> sorry for your situation but it left me curious as to why you're splitting up. It sounds like you were once madly in love mutually- so much that you two were codependent on the marriage for your happiness & existance purposes. That's some strong love and as you have come to realize, I'm sure, is that this kind of love can be the most difficult to cope with when lost. But you have to remember that you were both your own persons even though it was such a long long time ago. Finding your own two feet doesn't mean you've tossed away the marriage completely - which is what I have seen many couples like you fear most. Thus, positive changes can't happen because you can't get out of the rut. Your marriage is now at a crossroad definitely: one street leads to a return to the start with a ton of effort while the other street leads to throwing in the towel and attempting to exist alone. Either road requires you both to regain a sense of self in order to achieve happiness. Its an old fundamental cliché: you have to love yourself before you can love another. I believe people can change and it's foolish to throw in a towel IF both partners agree they love one another and both partners are open & willing to be optimistic about the future. Optimism is a huge part of a healthy marriage and as you know depression and low self esteem can squash that.
> Regardless of what you do your daughter will still love you. I am the daughter from divorced parents that lived long distance. If you have the means to fly your daughter to the partner with less custody time then it would be much easier to keep the parental bond alive. Its not very fair to be moving out of state because of the marriage but understandable in situations like military or job offering. The success of your daughter's well being lies in the constant outpour of unconditional love from both parents via whatever communication method possible. Creativity helps greatly but the main focus should be avoiding putting her in the middle of any marital anguish. My Dad would speak poorly of my Mom and vice versa when I was 5 and they divorced and it wasn't fair for me to be tossed about different "sides" all the time. I clung to the parent that was least selfish and most attentive of my life which ironically was my STEP DAD!!! lol! don't let divorce make you selfish people but do seek independences and happiness! =)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, we both were very codependent on marriage and it is extremely difficult knowing part of that for me is lacking. I need very much to find a sense of self. I have extremely low self esteem, stress eater, gained 20bls and hate everything of me. I snap for no reason. My daughter suffers for it and it's wrong. She's the most honest little thing. Guess at 6 you know no other way. Too bad we lose that as well as we grow.  I'm very lost, confused. We have great days together, as family. But when it comes to the physical, intimacy, I'm not completely there anymore and if we do get intimate, it's not true love making. It's actually for the 'feel good' syndrome. He even knows that as he told me he has felt I lost that several years ago. We both agree this all stems back to when we lost our first daughter. Sadly I feel more calm, relxed, when I'm alone or just me and daughter. I have no one elses expectations, feelings, needs or wants to worry about. That to me is a horrible selfish comment and makes me very sad to know I could have that feeling. I'm seeking help for the physical depression part. Waiting on some lab work first to make sure no other issues such as thyroid etc. Even dr says med's will only help the anxiety and easy the confusion so I may focus. I don't like medicating for me. Use to be a much strong person. Use to make decisions without question. Now...I can't make one to literaly save my life of happiness.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

emotionalwreck said:


> Yes, we both were very codependent on marriage and it is extremely difficult knowing part of that for me is lacking. I need very much to find a sense of self. I have extremely low self esteem, stress eater, gained 20bls and hate everything of me. I snap for no reason. My daughter suffers for it and it's wrong. She's the most honest little thing. Guess at 6 you know no other way. Too bad we lose that as well as we grow.  I'm very lost, confused. We have great days together, as family. But when it comes to the physical, intimacy, I'm not completely there anymore and if we do get intimate, it's not true love making. It's actually for the 'feel good' syndrome. He even knows that as he told me he has felt I lost that several years ago. We both agree this all stems back to when we lost our first daughter. Sadly I feel more calm, relxed, when I'm alone or just me and daughter. I have no one elses expectations, feelings, needs or wants to worry about. That to me is a horrible selfish comment and makes me very sad to know I could have that feeling. I'm seeking help for the physical depression part. Waiting on some lab work first to make sure no other issues such as thyroid etc. Even dr says med's will only help the anxiety and easy the confusion so I may focus. I don't like medicating for me. Use to be a much strong person. Use to make decisions without question. Now...I can't make one to literaly save my life of happiness.


I would like to tell you that your situation is common especially with women around your age . However I dont see why you have decided that you can never achieve what you are looking for while being married to your current partner . 
*.......I have no friends of my own, or my age. I miss not experiencing or having independence. All that makes me feel like a failure. Depressed, yes I know....*

You can still be independent , and have a fulfulling life without leaving your partner as long as its not about replacing your H . 


*".........you complete me and if I cannot have you with me as complete family, I have nothing and I cannot and will not stay around..." *

I think your H feel that he wouldn't be able to get over the D & start a new life , in a place where he has no one for support . I think this is a genuine feeling considering the fact that he doesn't want the D . you dont have to stay with him if you dont love him but you have to let him cope the way he can .

best of luck


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