# Wife is drowing in credit debt but won't listen.



## Denn

*Closed*

Thanks for help


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## Marc878

Her credit will become your credit. Better wake up to reality here.

I suspect you'll wallow awhile and end up bankrupt. 

You really should wake up and get out of this mess you've gotten yourself into


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## *Deidre*

If money is so tight with some of you on here, why aren't your wives working to contribute? Even part time? I get that some of you don't want to put your kids in daycare, but your wife could get a job to help out, part time. Many stay at home moms do it. Maybe bring that up, because it's not fair that the finances are all on your shoulders.


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## Lostinthought61

For the sake of your credit you need to threaten her with divorce, she will bankrupt you...get with a lawyer asap


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## SunCMars

According to a 2015 study, extroversion and neuroticism are linked to shopping addiction. 

Neurotic individuals might shop to reduce negative emotions. 

Shopping for immediate personal gratification has been glorified as “retail therapy.” 


People with a shopping addiction may fall into one or more of these categories:

Compulsive shoppers: These people often use shopping an emotion-regulation strategy. They may shop to reduce negative feelings or to enhance and prolong positive ones. Compulsive shoppers might feel euphoria during the search for and purchase of an item. Yet they often feel guilt afterwards, which leads to anxiety, which leads to more shopping.

Image shoppers: These individuals often buy expensive items. They may use purchases to boost their self-esteem and social status.
Codependent shoppers: These people shop to gain greater social acceptance. They may believe the right item will earn approval and affection from others. 
Bargain shoppers: These people often buy items they don’t need. Their goal is to get a good deal.

People with shopping addiction often prioritize short-term gratification over long-term consequences. Because of this tendency, some researchers classify shopping addiction as an impulse control problem.

Other experts claim shopping addiction is compulsive behavior. Compulsive hoarding is closely linked to compulsive spending in several ways. 

A 2014 study showed shopping addiction is highly co-morbid with depression. Other research suggests shopping addiction helps individuals boost their serotonin and dopamine levels. In these cases, the impulse to buy may stem from neurological and emotional needs. Buying may provide temporary relief, but most people feel remorse after the sale.


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## Marc878

Threats or manipulation won't fix this. She's a habitual spender and isn't going to stop.

She's got two kids, etc. reflect back on why she married you?

Smells like she was looking for a financial deal. 

Plus she's dishonest. Creating more debt behind your back.

You are married to her which means you will get to participate in the debt she creates. 

It's gonna be embarrassing when you get your wages garnished and your credit ruined because of her spending. 

Like I said you'd better wake up


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## Diana7

Get rid of all of her credit cards, ask the banks not to give her any more. Yes take that present back. Its was a ridiculously expensive present even if she did have the money. 
You did marry her knowing her issues, so you can't be surprised.


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## SunCMars

Compulsive behavior such as impulse spending can spill over or spell out in other compulsive actions such as alcoholism, other drug abuse, infidelity, compulsive lying.

Having shopping disorder can also occur with 'obsessive compulsive disorder', depression, over eating, excessive gambling, sex addiction, hoarding.

Does your wife suffer from any of these disorders, also?


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## 23cm

I heard Dave Ramsey recommend this book today, and am thinking of getting it for myself to deal with a profligate spouse. It might be helpful.

https://www.daveramsey.com/store/product/boundaries-book-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend

We married later in life and my wife is used to having her own money, and until she retired...she earned A LOT OF MONEY!!!!

Now, we're both retired and have to watch spending. We have yours, mine and ours accounts and no over drafting allowed, and I'm watching her credit and budgeting for its payoff. Got her to agree to that as an objective. 

Good luck. As others have said you may have to provide a sharp shock of a threat to end the marriage if she won't cooperate. Otherwise, she will drag you into penury.


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## Denn

Thanks for help


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## Marc878

Talk isn't going to get you a thing. All you're going to do is go down with her.

Sounds like KISA to me.


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## As'laDain

Denn said:


> Some good stuff here thanks.
> Addressing a few questions above. Yes she does work full time but for some reason she feels she doesn't need to contribute to household bills even though I've asked her too.
> Yes I understand, even though all her credit is in her name it still could effect me, this is why I'm reaching out for help as everything I've tried didn't work.
> She acknowledges she has a problem with shopping but doesn't seem to think she can change or doesn't want too, she also exhibits signs of anxiety, self loathing, anger and possibly bipolar issues.
> I would love to be able to stop her getting approved for more credit but how is that possible with every store offering her credit on a daily basis? Seems even though she has probable 15 to 20 cards already maxed out they still approve her for more.
> And yes I know divorce is an option but would prefer it be my last option.
> I've explained to her how credit works and that every $1000 spent could cost $4000 or more when minimum payments are made but it just does not register with her. Its like she just ignores it and when it becomes a problem she'll ask someone to help her out.
> And yes I'm reestablishing my boundaries which she doesn't like but for my own sanity and her kids well-being it must be done.



stop paying for each and every nice thing that you have been paying for. for instance, phone, data plan, cable, internet for the house, hell, i would even stop paying for electricity if you can do so. 

tell her that she either comes up with the money for it or ya'll will just have to go without. and then be willing to stick with that. be willing to go without internet, AC, cable, snacks, sodas, entertainment spending, etc. turn your house into a well insulated tent without electricity with beans and rice for dinner. 

i started doing this before my wife stopped spending all our money on dumb stuff. later on down the road, we found out that she actually does have bipolar disorder. proper meds made a big difference. 

if you don't have the stomach for all that, you could always divorce her.


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## Blondilocks

Your wife is guilty of financial infidelity. It can be just as devastating to a marriage as sexual infidelity. 

For starters: They are her children and her responsibility to support. 

By paying all the bills, you are enabling her behavior. File for divorce to wake her up and tell her you will consider dropping it if she gets herself into counseling to overcome this addiction. You haven't made it real for her and that's why she shines you on. 

You have to get serious about this before the marriage and your financial and future well-being are destroyed. If she doesn't get it under control, that tells you that she loves your money more than you. Good luck.

eta: You should change to your title to "We Are Drowning in Debt".


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## AtMyEnd

Denn said:


> Hi I'm newbie here.
> So I've been married to my wife about 4 years now and from the start I've known my wife has problems with her overuse of credit cards.
> I've tried combining our incomes and working with her to reduce her credit debt but found out that she was just opening more credit cards while I was trying to get her original credit debt down. Upon finding this out I promptly separated our finances and told her to deal with her own debt. After separating finances she doesn't contribute to any household bills leaving me to pay the mortgage, utilities, food ect for me, her and her 2 kids.
> Anyway I told her before Fathers Day that I didn't want anything from her unless it was paid for by cash because I know she would just purchase something on credit and then expect me to help her pay for it later. Turns out I was correct and she completely ignored me, buying an over priced $800 gas barbecue on credit.
> I feel like the best thing I can do is return it and get the funds put back on her credit card as I want no part of her credit debt. Is this a reasonable thing to do as I told her before hand I didn't want anything bought with credit? I mean I'd be happy with some socks as long as they were purchase with cash.


I'm not sure where you're from or what the laws are there but in most states anything financial in a marriage falls on the responsibility of both partners regardless of whose name it's under. If it comes down to divorce her credit card debt could very well land right on your lap. My wife had similar habits years ago and ran us into a lot of debt. Now that we're divorcing I'm on the hook for paying off about $15k of her debt. You can try to fight it in court but you usually end up getting stuck with it.


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## Middle of Everything

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is guilty of financial infidelity. It can be just as devastating to a marriage as sexual infidelity.
> 
> For starters: They are her children and her responsibility to support.
> 
> By paying all the bills, you are enabling her behavior. File for divorce to wake her up and tell her you will consider dropping it if she gets herself into counseling to overcome this addiction. You haven't made it real for her and that's why she shines you on.
> 
> You have to get serious about this before the marriage and your financial and future well-being are destroyed. If she doesn't get it under control, that tells you that she loves your money more than you. Good luck.
> 
> eta: You should change to your title to "We Are Drowning in Debt".


I dont know Blondi, unless they make a boatload their financial future is likely already destroyed. Denn stated his wife has 15 to 20 cards maxed. Assuming what 10K limit on most? Damn

Bankruptcy here we come.


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## Ursula

If you knew that she was like this before marriage, why did you marry her? Or, at least try to get the situation under control before getting married. It's my guess that your wife stressed/depressed and shopping is her form of "therapy". I would think though that she might want to go talk to a therapist to get under control what she is feeling. You mentioned that you tried combining your incomes, so then she works outside of the home?

As for you, I would keep the finances separate, and I would be letting her know that you need to to pitch in with household expenses. It's her house too, her kids too, and she needs to be a contributing partner. Personally, I couldn't stay with a person like this, mostly because I know that they would also take me down with them, financially, and that just isn't worth it to me.


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## Ursula

Diana7 said:


> *Get rid of all of her credit cards, ask the banks not to give her any more.* Yes take that present back. Its was a ridiculously expensive present even if she did have the money.
> You did marry her knowing her issues, so you can't be surprised.


This is a GREAT idea! Can a person do that with banks? If so, absolutely do this. And yeah, take the gift back.


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## Ursula

Denn said:


> Addressing a few questions above. Yes she does work full time but for some reason she feels she doesn't need to contribute to household bills even though *I've asked her too.*
> 
> She acknowledges she has a problem with shopping but doesn't seem to think she can change or doesn't want too, *she also exhibits signs of anxiety, self loathing, anger and possibly bipolar issues.*
> 
> I would love to be able to stop her getting approved for more credit but how is that possible with every store offering her credit on a daily basis? *Seems even though she has probable 15 to 20 cards already maxed out they still approve her for more.*
> 
> *I've explained to her how credit works and that every $1000 spent could cost $4000 or more when minimum payments are made but it just does not register with her. Its like she just ignores it and when it becomes a problem she'll ask someone to help her out.*


First off, stop asking, and start telling her that you need her to carry some of the household expenses. She lives there, they're her kids too, and she needs to contribute to your lives.

Anxiety, self-loathing, anger and possibly bipolar? She needs to see a doctor.

She has 15-20 maxed out credit cards?!? Holy moly! Have you calculated the amount that's spent on them? Jesus Murphy, I'm sorry that you're here and dealing with this. 

She doesn't understand how interest works? On the back of my credit card statements, it states how long it would take me to pay off my bill and how much I'd end up paying in interest if I were to only make the minimum payments. Those are scary numbers! And, multiply that by 15 or 20 times for you guys. As for her asking someone to help her out, is that you by chance? If so, start saying no. It's not up to you or anyone else to pay for her addiction. Whoever has been helping her with this is encouraging it and enabling it, and that gives her absolutely no reason to stop. 

After she seeks professional help, she needs to be held accountable, financially. Also, for you, I would go talk to a lawyer to see what you can do to protect yourself financially, in all this mess.


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## Middle of Everything

Ursula said:


> This is a GREAT idea! Can a person do that with banks? If so, absolutely do this. And yeah, take the gift back.


I dont think you can unless you would have them declared mentally incompetent.


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## Taxman

You have already separated your credit. I would like you to take one further step and inform, in writing, the major credit reporting agencies, like TRW and Equifax that you have formally separated credit and credit history from your wife. I did this with several clients, and it made a world of difference. You have been told, but I must reiterate, sit down with your wife, and her wallet. Gather her credit cards and cut them up. Next, it would be to your benefit to list the debts, and to make a proposal to her creditors as to a payment schedule, then stick to it. Many of the cards will reduce their interest charges if they forsee a payoff in the not too distant future. Return the barbecue. That is unnecessary. 

Next: This all depends on what she is willing to do to repair this situation. If she is willing, I suggest that you completely take over finances, and discuss a weekly budget. She has to see some pain from this for it to impact her. I recommend you do not pay off the balances using cash, or refinancing your home. That makes to pain all too brief. She has to endure a setback to her lifestyle in order to appreciate the consequences of the misuse of credit.


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## wilson

Ursula said:


> If you knew that she was like this before marriage, why did you marry her? Or, at least try to get the situation under control before getting married.


We often are way overly optimistic about our partner early in the relationship. We don't honestly view the depth of the problems. Plus, we are often inexperienced about life as well. If someone hasn't been through the challenge of something like this, they may greatly underestimate the difficulty of getting someone to change. So I could totally understand thinking that it would just be a matter of explaining how interest rates, financing, and minimum payments worked to fix it. But then, oops, you find out it's really a mental health issue with complicated and uncertain ways to fix it.

As an example, I have a relative who was once near-suicidal because the cable was going to get cut off for non-payment. Money wasn't a problem--she just would forget to pay. She was crying about how she was worthless and couldn't do anything. When I offered suggestions about sitting down each Saturday to pay the week's bills or setting up auto-pay, she said I didn't understand her and the bills gave her anxiety. So logically explaining how not paying the bill would lead to late payments, higher rates, and eventually cancellation was totally not the way to solve the problem.


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## Ursula

wilson said:


> We often are way overly optimistic about our partner early in the relationship. We don't honestly view the depth of the problems. Plus, we are often inexperienced about life as well. If someone hasn't been through the challenge of something like this, they may greatly underestimate the difficulty of getting someone to change. So I could totally understand thinking that it would just be a matter of explaining how interest rates, financing, and minimum payments worked to fix it. But then, oops, you find out it's really a mental health issue with complicated and uncertain ways to fix it.


Yup, I get this, and can say that this is also what happened in my own marriage. I kept thinking that things would change, they'd be different: after he moved in, after the wedding stress was over, after the honeymoon and life got back to normal. That never really happened, even though I kept hoping it would. So yes, I can see how and why people walk around viewing their relationship in the most positive light they can, until they can't anymore.


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## Taxman

In my experience, finances are one of the greatest stressors a marriage can endure. To the end of softening the blow of financial stress, I usually ask my young marrieds to come in and spend an hour with me. I do this under the guise of reviewing their tax situation. This leads me to asking about debt and saving patterns. Somewhere in that interview, I find out what their positions are, and what we can introduce to reduce stress. One case, the couple really did not have a handle on their bills, and tended to overspend. We introduced the envelope method of budgeting. (Mark the envelopes with the amount required, and put away your bill payments before use of any earnings can be addressed). Some people have an overdeveloped financial sense, and it drives them batty. In these cases I tell them to have a minor slush fund strictly for fun. I find that my younger clients are saving these days. A lot of it is based in fear of the economy tanking and employment security is really a thing of the past. I would give my right nut if the employment picture was one of continuity and retention instead of employers looking to do it cheaper and cheaper.


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## MattMatt

As the OP has declared his thread closed and thanked people for their help, then this thread is now closed to further replies.


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