# I'm destroyed, this might be long, I need to get this out



## Destroyed712 (Mar 13, 2012)

I've been reading this forum for quite some time. I can relate to many stories. I've never had the courage to post. I do not know the abbreviations on here so please excuse my word vomit. 

My husband and I have been together (at this point) for 12 years, married 9 1/2. We have 4 kids. 

My husband is a soldier. I am a stay at home wife. 2 years ago, he deployed. Half way through the deployment i get a facbook request from some female soldier, i questioned why. I researched, I found pictures of my husband in his uniform working on her page. I questioned him. He said nothing was going on etc. I had some worries. A war zone is not a great place to be. I even questioned her, she called me from Iraq, reassured me that nothing was going on. Said she knows my husband loves me and understands how stresssful being on my end is. We became really good friends. She needed help finding a house after the deployment, i helped her. She needed a babysitter, i took her son in my house. We went shopping, had lunch, i baked for her for when she got off work. We talked about everything. 

Well we moved from the US overseas a year ago. 2 months before we moved, I found out that my mom had stage 4 cancer. I left anyway. My mom told me to go and take care of my family. 

I decided to go home alone, this past june to spend some time with my mom because face it, eventually we knew what would happen. While home with my mom another soldier told me that my husband was indeed sleeping with this chick that befriended me while they were deployed. I skyped my husband, had the video set to record and asked him, 4 days before I am due to fly back to him and the kids. He admitted it. He slept with her. He was telling everyone we were getting a divorce. I had no idea. He was telling her he loved her. Putting me down. Making me look like a **** ass person. 

I called the girl, confronted her. She still denied it. The last 4 days with my mom sucked. I was so distraught. I even covered up our matching tattoo because I couldn't stand the pain. 

I told him I wasn't coming home. I never informed him of anything. I called a friend, had her come get me from the airport and we did a few things before i showed up at the house. 

Edited to add: I made him call her and have her admit everything... She told him he was a dumbass for telling me. 


He doesn't even speak to me. I smashed his cell phone with a hammer. I smashed all the family pictures. He still doesn't talk. 

2 weeks later ON my birthday, My mom dies. I am stuck overseas and she dies, on my birthday. 

Because of everything that I had to deal with, with my mom, my best friend, I put aside the cheating. 

My husband acts like everything is fine. Like he did nothing wrong. We did 4 or 5 counseling session and the dumb ***** said its the 'norm'.. bs. It is NOT the norm. This is not okay. She tried to justify it for him. 

Right now I am not okay. I ended up going to the doctors and getting anti depressent meds. as well as minipress for nightmares. I have terrible thoughts. All I see is them. He is a liar, she is a liar. 

Here I am 9 months later (after finding out), and I'm worse. Everything reminds me of them together. Songs pop up on the radio and i have to turn them off. 

Why am I still here with him? Well, because of my kids. And because of the stability financially. He knows this. 

He hasn't tried for anything to make things in our marriage better. Don't you think if you screw up and it was a mistake you'd be treating your wife better? You'd get her a flower or a card, or even speak to her for crying out loud? Plan a date? Do something. 

He has no remorse. He isn't sad he cheated, he is sad he got caught. 

Last night was bad. I made him tell me everything. I mean everything. I had to know. How many times.. how.. why etc. 
When I say bad, i mean bad to the point of me actually laying my hands on him. He did not defend himself. He let me basically beat the crap out of him. 

He says he wants his family. Well I guess you should not have screwed another chick if your family meant anything to you. 

How does sleeping with another woman and degrading your wife show that you care?

I say, go be with her. Because I can find better. Military wives get the bad wrap of being cheaters when actually its the soldiers who are nasty pigs. I've been 100% faithful to my husband since day one. I am honest with him, whether or not he likes it. 

Oh did I mention she was also married, and her husband as well as other soldiers knew and didn't bother to inform me. Oh and she was sleeping with 13 guys total during that deployment, so my husband put me at risks for STD's and AIDS. Stellar! That makes him an amazing husband. some one I really want to spend the rest of my life with.. NOT

I have such mixed feelings. I dont want to give up everything I live a very comfortable life. It's picture perfect to the outside because i refuse to show anyone what an idiot I am. 

But at the same time I dont want to stick around to have him do it again. I am destroyed I am not the person I was a year ago, before finding out. I've turned into a mean person. I dont eat I dont sleep, i cant function. I am not sure how much more I can take. 

Thank you in advance to anyone who takes the time to read this mess. I really appreciate it!


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

You are not an Idiot!!!!! others will be jumping in real soon to give you some good ideas on making a plan for you, read them, follow them, read the newbies links, will help you get into a better mindset on how to handle things, you are on an emotional roller coaster and it sucks! you are still in the same state after 9 months because it was not dealt with correctly, your MC stinks, find a new one, your husband has to take ownership for his wrongs...

Sorry you are here, please take care of yourself & stand up for yourself no one else will....

You need to ask yourself what do YOU want.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

1) utilize family services that the military offers, get a lawyer and know your rights
2) get std testing asap
3) expose- tell OW's husband, tell both of their CO's and have it in writing so he/she can't sweep it away
4) read the welcome newbies link in my signature as you'll find many helpful things


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

In addition to what has already been mentioned you need to get to counseling to deal with everything. You have a lot of anger and frustration as well as grief over the loss of your mother and your marriage. Even if you stay with your husband, the marriage you knew and the man you knew are gone. That takes a while to deal with. I am sorry you are here and for what you are going through. The people here at TAM have gone through similar circumstances. They can help.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Know this: your husband isn't doing what's ok or normal. He is simply a liar and a cheater try to blame you and justify his betrayal of the marriage.

Anyone who tells you to just accept, shutup, and move on is giving you bad advice.

Before your marriage can start again, your husband has to actually have remorse for his choice to cheat. Until there is remorse, there is no chance to fix the marriage he broke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Tough dear. Sorry.

Get tested for STDs.

Get IC for you.

Hang on here.


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