# Marriage and Physically Handicapped



## catnkaboodle

My husband and I were 4 years married when he had a severe hunting accident, during his long process of re-couperating I nurtured him and quit my job to take care of him. We almost lost him and since he's on dissabillity (almost lost his leg) he has not been the man I married. (Mentaly)
He has become short tempered, verbaly abusive, degrades me in front of other people, and spends more time on the computer then you can shake a stick at. (LOL)
He suffers from depression and can only sleep for about 5 hrs a night ( on the couch, he claims it is more comfortable) He is more interested in other things then me..
He does "perform" in bed just fine (doesn't last but 10 min) but he just doesn't seem to be the same anymore. I can understand that if he was in pain, but he isn't, because he hardly ever take anything for pain, so that isn't it. I've tried to talk to him about his depression, but he refuses to go get some help. He says he doesn't want any "mind altering" drugs! and it always turns into a major argument. He's just not doing anything to keep himself buzzy, especially for the last couple of months. And in turn he's getting big and then complains about it. He's almost always complaining about something. Last night I made a real nice dinner (steak) and he had complained about every thing, the potato was green, the steak was too rare, no pepper or salt on the table. I just can't seem to get things right for him.
The more he's the way he is now, the less I like it and want him close to me, he's depressing the hell out of me now too!
I just don't know what to do anymore, I've tried to be nice, I've tried to cheer him up anyway possible, yet again some days he's just cheerfull and sweet.

Someone help me!!!!


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## draconis

I suffer from MD. During the onset I fell into a mild depression for what felt like no one understood me. I reasoned no one had empathy towards me.

It was hard knowing I use to be Joe-handy-man to Johnny-armchair-quarterback. I knew how to fix about everything but had to walk people through the situations.

During that time my sex life changed too. Although I could "perform" often it was painful or would get painful and I moved to end quicker then I normally would or even want too. I never said why. Ofcourse I had to alter how I had sex with the wife, to a lot more foreplay (30-45 minutes) about double the amount before to cover for the other things that were lacking.

I often was so overwhelmed by my situation I felt bad then feeling bad made me worse. To boot, I had all kinds of people say really mean things to me about being less than a man, a liar, a leech. I had sold everything I had to try to support myself and family and started my own business. It wasn't easy and was very stressful.

I too never wanted the drugs. I am on so much medication if I took it all I'd sleep through the day even if I was awake because the MD is that painful. For the most part I take as little as I can to just make it through. Therapy has been a two edged sword. The harder I work to keep myself from being wheelchair bound the more I get confronted by people asking rather demanding to know why I walk with a cain.

Communication maybe the best thing for you both. Further I think a good psychologist would help him work through his issues, I used one to understand myself and where I was.

Best wishes, I will pray for you both.

draconis


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## catnkaboodle

Thanks Draconis, I just wish he would talk to someone, but he won't talk to me about things anymore. My oldest son moved out at 18 because of his attitude and my 17 yr old is spending more and more time away from him by staying upstairs. I worry about him too, his feelings are getting hurt in the process too.

Any sugestions on how to get him talking? 
I know MD is very difficult to cope with, I have a friend who has it too.
Thanks


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## draconis

It took me the better part of three years to understand myself. Even though the wife and I never lost communications, It was hard to express how I felt because I didn't know why. Finally I decided I couldn't pull myself out and the other side was getting help. I had to learn to take it on by doing baby steps forward. It is nice to hear, "If you want to talk to someone, I have two ears, no waiting..." 

Just remember you can't "solve" his problems for him. He needs to understand that life will go on and he can still enjoy it just as much. I have had to alter my entire life for my MD, but I have never been closer to my family or friends as I am now. I can't do all the things I use to like to do (I was a long distance runner and swimmer.) But now I found new hobbies I like as much if not more.

Understand he is in a difficult place and his anger isn't at you, but rather himself. I know I was there. 

Empathy and communication is the best thing right now. He has a lot built up that he just needs to tell someone. A suggestion of a psychologist might help, or ask him to talk to his doctor. Leave it at that and hope he finally takes advantage of it.

He is lucky to have you. You are a wonderful person because not only is he suffering but the family is too.

draconis


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## catnkaboodle

Thank you for your kind words, but he won't even talk to his own doctor. It all is only half of the problems we have (or should I say "He")
Last May a year ago, we celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary and we went away for 3 days, everything went perfect (so I thought). Last Oct. I happen to check our windows email box and all of a sudden allot of emails from woman popped up from "Myspace" requesting to be his friends because they liked what they saw!! I was suspicious and tried to log in under his name, it wouldn't let me, so I clicked the forgot password and got a reply with his password.
I logged on and had the shock of my life, so bad that I thought I had to call 911. I wouldn't have minded it, but I saw that he had claimed he was single. P.S. At first I thought maybe either one of my kids would have done that as a prank, but the password was only what he and I would have known.
A week later ( after cooling off and thinking on how to approach him) I confronted him about it,......... he went nuts and claimed he didn't do that, and that someone had hacked into our computer ( lame excuse) then he said maybe his ex did it, then his brother, and then someone that didn't like him.
I knew he lied, because the last time someone had logged on was the same day I took my son to the airport, and my other son was with me. So it couldn't have been either of my kids.
Ever since last Oct. our relationship has more and more downs then ups. He told me he isn't cheating on me, but how can I trust him after a thing like that. I also found out that he's been looking at naked woman on the Internet, and when I confront him he says, "I've been looking at woman along time before you came around" and that I was a snoop and that I should keep my nose out of his emails and that he could talk and look at whatever he felt like.
Lately he's also now reading articles about dating,....... am I going crazy? am I a snoop? should I worry? I've tried to trust him and I've tried to talk to him about it, but how long do I put up with his bull or should I put up with it. Maybe it's me,.....
He's been like this now for the last year, but it has gone progressively worse since his accident back in '01. What to do?


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## Dipankar

It is prudent to persuade him to pay a visit to the Pschycologist. Convince him that he will be completely O.K. because i also went throught such a phase in my life where i had to suffer almost 20 years of my life alone. I am still alone and not married as because i am perfectly well but i cannot convince women that i am well enough and capable to marry. Anyway, please follow my advice and i hope he will return to normalcy soon.

Thank you.
D.pal


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