# Depression and Martyrdom



## Eneko (Mar 2, 2009)

My wife and I have been married almost 2 years now and I find myself catching grief for things that I think are a bit ridiculous. I suspect my wife is bipolar. Her entire family has been diagnosed as bipolar and she takes prozac but insists she isn't bipolar. She has moodswings and her attitude changes like the wind. Everytime we have a disagreement the first place she goes is, "We shouldn't even be together." It's like the smallest thing makes the end of the world come about. 

Also, my wife is perhaps the biggest hypocrite I've ever met but to point it out to her is hazardous to your health. For example, she drives like a maniac and weaves in and out of traffic and cuts people off and is the kind of person who will cause a fatal accident one day but if you ask her to slow down or take it easy it comes with a healthy side of attitude and sarcasm. Also, anytime I speak I am usually wrong in her eyes. I've even tested this by saying things and she will automatically disagree with me. What really kills me though is when we go out with friends, she tells me that everyone thinks I'm a jerk and all that and that I just complain too much and bla bla. When we go out we all talk about our jobs and whatnot and everyone takes a turn but when other people talk about work it's fine and she'll chime in but when I talk I'm being awful. Often times it's like I just can win with my wife. She is so darn right about everything all the time and it's really aggravating. Good example. She is prescribed prozac for depression but doesn't take it as prescribed becasue the doctor doesn't know what he's talking about. All she ever does is moan and complain and I have to hear about how awful I am everytime there is an argument. I love my wife I do but I don't know what to do.

I'm tired of being blamed for everything that's wrong in her life. I try to show her that she does the same stuff she gets on to me about but she says I act like I'm 5 by saying, "you do that too" when really I'm trying to point out her being a hypocrite. All the things she complains that people do or things she hates is all stuff she herdelf does. I'm just frustrated and tired of living with a selfish and narrow person whose cross is bigger than any I've ever seen. It's HER way or no way.

What to do?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Does she go to counseling as well as a psychiatrist?


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## Eneko (Mar 2, 2009)

Absolutely not. For her that would be admitting defeat even though the concept of "defeat" has nothing to do with it.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Other than bipolar, any abuse in her background? Is her family competitive? Is shame a part of the environment?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

and why did you marry her?


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

dobo said:


> Other than bipolar, any abuse in her background? Is her family competitive? Is shame a part of the environment?



Just curious what perspective lead you to put family competition and abuse in the same brief reply?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Her responses to things, being unable to demonstrate weakness or that she's wrong indicates a strong need to avoid feeling shamed and that can come from having to live with a lot of criticism, feelings of inferiority (perhaps a sibling that was the star of the family), vying for affection based on performance as opposed to feeling loved unconditionally, that sort of thing. An abusive environment can include some of those things -- an alcoholic parent, perhaps? A feeling that if they're not right and in control the entire world will fall apart... that sort of thing.


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## crazyinlove (Nov 20, 2010)

You sound terribly unhappy.
This is your marriage, and you do not mention the word "Love ".
I know loved ones can be very tedious, but no one ever responds well to being called a hypocrite and having their perceived faults rather coldly told to them, especially by a person who is supposed to be their sanctuary and lover.

You are both being so unkind to each other, I would reply to your question of " What to do ?" by saying, take a long hard look at weather this sad and unhappy situation can be resolved with calm kindness and toleratio of each others little ways , or seriously save your own sanity and walk...........Good luck you are obviously hurting.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My wife has bipolar and chronic depression, too. I deal with lots of the same things you've described. She's high functioning for someone with such challenges, but it's a disorder and by definition, adversely affects just about everything. On one hand, you can't blame all her criticisms on the disorder. After all, you aren't perfect, but you also can't give complete weight to each of them, either. You'd go crazy. I do love my wife but it's no walk in the park. If I were emperor of the world, I'd make it a criminal offense for some people to enter into marriage contracts and those with bipolar would go near the top of the list. I did marry mine and I'll make it work or die trying. It'll never be wonderful or perfect but I believe it can be possible. I've about concluded that whatever emotional or other needs i may have, I'll have to either suck down or find support elsewhere for. Her challenges are enough to keep her (and me) almost totally occupied. It aint always bad but it's always like walking through a mine field and being alone and invisible while you do it. I'm a cop and meet folks with bipolar often on the job. When I compare their condition to my wife's, I realize we are both blessed. Things could be much worse and may eventually get that way. I've learned to really appreciate moments of relative calm and peace. Best of luck to you.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Eneko said:


> What to do?


Pull the ole switcheroo on her, go in the back door(so to speak).

Obviously what you are doing right now to fix this is not working. So change every reaction and response to her to something different or even the exact opposite. Try not to be condescending or demeaning or obtuse. 
Your new reactions/responses to her repeated behavior can be anything you like. I would lean toward nurturing, caring, intently listening, humor, caressing, doting, and the like.

Often times, you will see a new person begin to emerge.

She gives you something negative verbally to work with, and you respond by getting upset and being angry.

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results" -Albert Einstein


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