# the "perfect husband" list



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

I thought of starting a fun thread:smthumbup:here is the list of qualities the "perfect" husband will have..and honestly, i think men like this do not exist. ladies, if you have a husband like this, please do let us know.let's see how many are lucky

1 honest and transparent-no lies at all,no hiding the truth because i will be upset/blame/argue if i know the truth,happy to share passwords,tell me where he is going etc

2 faithful and devoted- does not stare at other women on the streets,doesn't chat with women on fb or any other social media, doesn't touch other women except immediate family (i don't mean a handshake)and is friends with women only when we both are friends of the women as a couple. no porn (even though i know some wives are ok with it)

3 kind- kind to me,does not scream,no abuse,kind to my family,animals,environment,beggars and waiters.

4 not addicted to drinking, non smoker, no drugs, not addicted to games/facebook/work

5 caring-Asking why if I am upset or crying,asking if I ate, sending me a “take care” text,taking me to doc when I am sick,reminding me to take the meds,coming to pick me up on rainy days,keeping quiet when I am asleep and many little things which means so much to me…

6 opens doors and carries bags – yes I can do myself but I love it when a man is a gentleman.. so sweet.

7 takes me to movies,fairs, anywhere I like to visit. Not someone who says you go,I am busy.

8 a movie and TV show fan who will watch with me

9 loves travel

10 good sex

11 good gifts-someone generous who wants the best for me.tightfisted people make me feel money is more important than me..

12 romantic- roses on special and normal days(valentine day is a hallmark holiday so he wont get me flowers even though I would love to get some? Flowers are waste of money because they die in few days? That I don’t like. I want someone who thinks yeah flowers die,but seeing her smile when she gets them is more important) E cards,love letters,love notes…pet names..compliments.. love talks..surprises

13 physical affection- kisses,hugs,massages

14 take decisions together

15 respects me

16 around 1 boys night out per month, in a pub etc no strip clubs…

17 not going abroad without me

18 says sorry

19 knows how to argue and then forgive and forget.no resentments or telling “momma”

20 manage money together.it’s “our”money

21 shares housework

22 good sense of humor

23 protective, a little jealous 

24 remembers important days

25 asks about my day

26 loves spending time with me,talking with me

27 misses me when I am not with him and calls and texts

28 will treat me as his number 1

29 childfree for me, many other women will want someone who will be a good father

30 does not criticize me in front of others, instead corrects me lovingly in private

That’s all I can think about.anything to add? I'm just dreaming.

do you have a man like this..?


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

That is a perfect list for YOU. Other women might have a very different list. It does make me sad that you don't believe that a perfect husband exists for you, but I do know many women here who have found their perfect husband, and are very happy. 

My wife would have a different list, and I know I am very happy that my wife found hers


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My wife must have told you about me.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

That is one hell of a list. I don't have a list. Just a husband who is perfect just the way he is.


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

There are a few things on that list that aren't on mine. For instance, if there are places I want to go and my partner isn't interested, I would rather go with a girlfriend or by myself rather than feel like I'm dragging him along kicking and screaming. And while I like romantic gestures, I can do without them. Otherwise this sounds like a no-brainer kind of list. Completely reasonable.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

finding-a-path, are you married? If you are, is your husband aware that he doesn't stack up for you?

If you are single, that's fine, and I wish you the best of luck, but as a husband who does try to be the best husband for my wife that I can be, it would hurt me very deeply to know that my wife was more interested in having a man created by romantic comedy script writers than she was in me. Those men who more often than not, incidentally are the "other man" in those movies.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Where was Doesn't fart or scratch in public? That was my best qualification.
MN


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

On second reading that's a bad list.
MN


----------



## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

Why MN?


----------



## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

I made it to #2 and failed...

"does not stare at other women on the streets"

Okay, I don't STARE. But admiring beautiful women is a hobby of mine


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> That is a perfect list for YOU. Other women might have a very different list. It does make me sad that you don't believe that a perfect husband exists for you, but I do know many women here who have found their perfect husband, and are very happy.
> 
> My wife would have a different list, and I know I am very happy that my wife found hers


thank you for the reply and thank you for saying you know many women who found their perfect husband  i just felt this 1 is too perfect to be real ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> My wife must have told you about me.



_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

intheory said:


> Wow finding, that is some list.
> 
> No, I don't believe in the perfect husband or wife. Not even remotely.
> 
> ...


i forgot about the career part completely.you are correct.i like a sensitive guy. I do not want a man who is in the top of his career  just a man who can hold down a job and earn enough to live in comfort is fine  a hardworker but who does not mind taking a leave for fun activities  i work too..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> That is one hell of a list. I don't have a list. Just a husband who is perfect just the way he is.


lucky! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> There are a few things on that list that aren't on mine. For instance, if there are places I want to go and my partner isn't interested, I would rather go with a girlfriend or by myself rather than feel like I'm dragging him along kicking and screaming. And while I like romantic gestures, I can do without them. Otherwise this sounds like a no-brainer kind of list. Completely reasonable.


i think if both partners are interested in going to the same places,that is a great thing  or even if he isnt interested,if he is willing to do it with me,then he gets plus points  for me,sharing activities is a big part of having a companion. And more often than not,girls get married,have kids and drop off the planet. After having kids they dönt want to do any activities! 'there is no one to take care of the baby' even today 1 friend told me this. She has 2 kids and cant go out because her husband comes home at 11pm everyday and he does not want anyone else to take care of the kids.. 
thank you for saying it's a reasonable list 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> finding-a-path, are you married? If you are, is your husband aware that he doesn't stack up for you?
> 
> If you are single, that's fine, and I wish you the best of luck, but as a husband who does try to be the best husband for my wife that I can be, it would hurt me very deeply to know that my wife was more interested in having a man created by romantic comedy script writers than she was in me. Those men who more often than not, incidentally are the "other man" in those movies.


married and heading for divorce.i am not ready to date,not looking.but reading articles about coping.one said make a list.that is how the idea came.
He was the perfect man.for 8 years... Married for 4. We were very happy.then, i got to know that he does not know how to argue,then forgive and forget.there is a list in his head and a lot of resentment for things like me requesting not to be on the phone with his friend for 1 hour in the middle of a movie. On April 23rd,his mom called,said she is coming to stay with us for 1 month,he said ok,i requested him to ask her to come after my important promotion exam because she watches TV and talks all day and i cant study with noise.he asked her to come later,was resenting it,said he loves me less, the MIL created huge drama saying i asked her not to come because it's my house.and on august we had an argument about a video and him checking out some not famous women singers on the net,he left. Said he is leaving because of what i did to his mother! So clearly,he doesnt decide together,i am not his number 1,he is being a momma's boy,resents, around june and july he went out 5-6 days for boys night outs till 4am-this by a man who didnt drink- and after he left he started being friends with women on fb,commenting on their looks,hanging out with those women. So he is not my perfect man anymore 

do you feel the list sound like a man from a romantic comedy?  i have not watched many in my life except the proposal and few other ones of sandra. Maybe watched 7-9 in my 28years.

When i say must be a movie fan,i meant action,thrillers,horror and science fiction. Mostly bruce willis,arnie, stallone,the rock,jason etc kicking a.s.s. And the superhero movies. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> Where was Doesn't fart or scratch in public? That was my best qualification.
> MN


lol.he can scratch in public. When the *public* consists of people we dont know.  and i find farts funny. As long as there is no loud sound in public.lol. But at home,any type is funny.i had to run and cover my nose sometimes.still funny!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> On second reading that's a bad list.
> MN


why oh why? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

T&T said:


> I made it to #2 and failed...
> 
> "does not stare at other women on the streets"
> 
> Okay, I don't STARE. But admiring beautiful women is a hobby of mine


i think everybody looks. But there is a difference in looking and staring. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

A good, not perfect, husband will never make you feel 2nd.

He will make mistakes but will own up and always love you even when you make them.

He will want you to excel and help you reach your goals and be vulnerable enough to let you help him.

He won't be perfect but your life will be more fulfilling with him.

He will feel the same towards you.

There is no perfect but there is real love.


----------



## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: the "perfect husband" list*



T&T said:


> I made it to #2 and failed...
> 
> "does not stare at other women on the streets"
> 
> Okay, I don't STARE. But admiring beautiful women is a hobby of mine


That's funny, I get jealous when my husband noticed a good looking woman but I don't get mad and he doesn't know about it. It's my issue with feeling insecure, I do, however, feel secure enough to notice and compliment a good looking lady but I won't say it to a guy to avoid misunderstandings. 

I think beautiful things, beings are for others to admire so it's perfectly okay to check out a pretty woman or a man, so long no drooling is involved. Lol.


----------



## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: the "perfect husband" list*



ConanHub said:


> Sorry to hear about your situation.
> 
> A good, not perfect, husband will never make you feel 2nd.
> 
> ...


I think Conan has said it all. I don't have a perfect man, sad to say my husband doesn't know how to do all that. 

Finding, I feel we should all be realistic and not have too high expectations that prevent us from seeing the good in our partner. I'm not saying yours is good or bad, just a thought that no one is perfect.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Fire and finding I do have an answer but it will take some time to type I'll Start in about 5 hours. Look for it after that.
MN


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> Just for fun, I'll compare, though this may not be the list I would have for myself:
> 
> 1 honest and transparent-no lies at all,no hiding the truth because i will be upset/blame/argue if i know the truth,happy to share passwords,tell me where he is going etc
> 
> ...


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

OK Here is the fault in your list as I see it. 

But, First, lets talk about your list and why it was made and how you should use it. You wrote this list to help you focus on what has gone wrong so you can prevent making the same mistake again. In that sense there is nothing wrong with this list. It's a good collection of your thoughts. There is another list recently published here titled 100 reasons why I don't miss you. I think both lists were good therapeutic tools.

I really think you should start organizing and dividing the list. One group should be "this was inspired by something the ex did that annoyed me" Another should be "this is something I have missed and yearned for" An important list would be "These are Deal breakers". And there is probably a list that is called "these would be nice but I'm willing to work around it." The same item may be in more than one list. Then see if there is some combining or narrowing needed. Also think if you forgot something.

OK that is the end of that part of the advice. On my second reading I noticed a disturbing trend. I felt it was somewhat dangerous but wanted to wait a bit first, before calling it to your attention. Since Two women have wanted to know what is bothering me, I'll go ahead and spill it now for general consumption. Here are the items that separately looked o k but together form a dangerous pattern.



finding-a-path said:


> 2 faithful and devoted-and is friends with women only when we both are friends of the women as a couple.
> 
> 4 not addicted to games/facebook/work
> 
> ...


The pattern here suggests a few things. One you are looking for a person who is a copy of yourself. That will not make you happy.
Two you are looking for a person who doesn't have their own hobbies or interests or friends. You will find this person boring.
Three You are looking for a partner who is there for you when you want them but is turned off when you don't. That person is a robot and you would not be happy with that either. #29 was thrown in in connection with conclusion two. With none of his own hobbies or interests or friends I would think something would be needed to keep him interested in staying.

Now that probably made you mad. That's o k only strangers and outsiders can make these kind of comments to you, because it doesn't matter if you are mad at us. I'm not saying that any of those three things is certainly true. What I am saying is that the evidence points this way. 

I would appreciate it if you took my advice seriously enough to evaluate the possibility of my conclusions. Also if you would think about how important those few items are to your future happiness. 

In the end Even though I have read many of your post over the last year, You know your situation much better than I do. Only you can look at my conclusions and say Mr. Nail is full of it, I don't think any of that. Or hey that item was a Deal Breaker, I have to have that or there won't be a next relationship.

Thanks for reading such a long reply.
MN


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What's depressing is the fact you don't think men like this exist. Or, you'd be able to find someone who is a perfect man.

Most of the qualities you describe are actually inherent in ALL men. Some of the nuances are specifically tailored to your tastes. So, let's say your potential Perfect Man meets every single one of your qualifiers except three, which is about 90%, an A-. Will you rule him out as no longer a Perfect Man, undatable by you and your standards?


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> OK Here is the fault in your list as I see it.
> 
> But, First, lets talk about your list and why it was made and how you should use it. You wrote this list to help you focus on what has gone wrong so you can prevent making the same mistake again. In that sense there is nothing wrong with this list. It's a good collection of your thoughts. There is another list recently published here titled 100 reasons why I don't miss you. I think both lists were good therapeutic tools.
> 
> ...


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The length and composition of the list depends rather significantly on what this hypothetical husband gets out of the hypothetical wife.

When the marriage is not very healthy, the list is truncated down to "has a non flat EKG" and "showers on occasion"...

If you make the list to be all about you, and with all due respect I feel you have, then you set yourself up for a majestic fail. Marriage is all about the paraphrasing of JFK's famous quote to "ask not what your husband can do for you..."


----------



## rguidry87 (Oct 15, 2014)

my husband is almost all of these. number 2, he watches porn at times because he works offshore 28/14 schedule and number 4 because he has 2 forums that he seems to always be on for his boat but other than that he is great with everything else.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I Think that 30 Deal breakers is quite a big number. Otherwise you answered my concerns well.
MN


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

He didn't say it but I agree with john. This list makes you sounds like a princess. And pretty controlling which is why your husband wants out too if I recall correctly.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Perfect husband makes you feel safe and loved; cherished and respected; the opposite of lonely. One caveat is that he holds himself and you accountable and you know that being with him is something to be proud about because it's proof that you deserve him.

The list varies based on couple and also timing. But those characteristics shouldn't.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Revamped said:


> What's depressing is the fact you don't think men like this exist. Or, you'd be able to find someone who is a perfect man.
> 
> Most of the qualities you describe are actually inherent in ALL men. Some of the nuances are specifically tailored to your tastes. So, let's say your potential Perfect Man meets every single one of your qualifiers except three, which is about 90%, an A-. Will you rule him out as no longer a Perfect Man, undatable by you and your standards?


thank you for hinting that there are men like this... I have not given serious thought about lack of 3 or so qualities.. Say the 3 he does not have are kindness to animals, non abusive ways and good sex. Then i would not date him. I guess it depends...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> The length and composition of the list depends rather significantly on what this hypothetical husband gets out of the hypothetical wife.
> 
> When the marriage is not very healthy, the list is truncated down to "has a non flat EKG" and "showers on occasion"...
> 
> If you make the list to be all about you, and with all due respect I feel you have, then you set yourself up for a majestic fail. Marriage is all about the paraphrasing of JFK's famous quote to "ask not what your husband can do for you..."


the list is what i think the qualities of the perfect match for me would be..so it is based on what i look for..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I do most those things but 20. And I'm divorced. Sucks so close to perfect.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

rguidry87 said:


> my husband is almost all of these. number 2, he watches porn at times because he works offshore 28/14 schedule and number 4 because he has 2 forums that he seems to always be on for his boat but other than that he is great with everything else.


thank you! Every positive reply from someone who is happy makes me be a little more positive 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Mr. Nail said:


> I Think that 30 Deal breakers is quite a big number. Otherwise you answered my concerns well.
> MN


i understand.i have no idea how to select and separate in to deal breakers and other.maybe some reading is in order for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

Finding, I looked at your list again and can say my h is unable to pass many of the requirements on your list especially for #27, yet he has no affairs and is very happy in this marriage. I do, however still believe there are many great man who can give you what you want on that list.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> He didn't say it but I agree with john. This list makes you sounds like a princess. And pretty controlling which is why your husband wants out too if I recall correctly.


hmm.like a princess..? I do not want to be like that.. What points makes you feel that way..? This is what i want but i am not hinting that he be like this and i get to be a bad wife.i am going to be faithful,caring,working and all that too. I say i want someone who would give me a massage,he is getting it back too.
He left because i requested that his mother come for her 1 month stay after my exam..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Thundarr said:


> Perfect husband makes you feel safe and loved; cherished and respected; the opposite of lonely. One caveat is that he holds himself and you accountable and you know that being with him is something to be proud about because it's proof that you deserve him.
> 
> The list varies based on couple and also timing. But those characteristics shouldn't.


thank you.i agree. If he does these things i will feel loved and cherished,safe 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> hmm.like a princess..? I do not want to be like that.. What points makes you feel that way..? This is what i want but i am not hinting that he be like this and i get to be a bad wife.i am going to be faithful,caring,working and all that too. I say i want someone who would give me a massage,he is getting it back too.
> 
> He left because i requested that his mother come for her 1 month stay after my exam..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Both the length of the list and the focus of his qualities and ignoring your own part in the relationship. Most men can have these qualities depending on the woman they're with bringing it out.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> the list is what i think the qualities of the perfect match for me would be..so it is based on what i look for..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Well... In my ideal world I would like someone who is:

- exotic looking 
- superbly educated 
- good earner
- decent human being

I nailed 4/4 for 25 years and 3/4 the last 5 . You can guess which criterion failed.

Your rules need to have associated weights and criteria for success - they're not all checkboxes but more qualitative. If you expect them to be you will be looking for a long time like Diogenes.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> I do most those things but 20. And I'm divorced. Sucks so close to perfect.


i dont know the reason for the divorce so i would not comment on that.but i would read your threads after i go home from work.. But maybe this list is not what she wanted..? Or maybe she got everything SHE wanted and still it didnt work out? may i ask why you didnt do 20  ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Canon in D said:


> Finding, I looked at your list again and can say my h is unable to pass many of the requirements on your list especially for #27, yet he has no affairs and is very happy in this marriage. I do, however still believe there are many great man who can give you what you want on that list, just don't be blind like me. Lol.


thank you 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Both the length of the list and the focus of his qualities and ignoring your own part in the relationship. Most men can have these qualities depending on the woman they're with bringing it out.


not ignoring my part.i did not mention my part because this is a list of qualities i look for. Im ready to be all this too.faithful,honest, caring etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> Well... In my ideal world I would like someone who is:
> 
> - exotic looking
> - superbly educated
> ...


that's all you want in a mate? What about communication, respect, good sex,physical affection etc? 
These are not rules.these are Qualities..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't really like your list and mine looks quite different. I have the perfect partner for me, we have many discussions about our relationship and both strive to maintain what we feel is the best relationship either of us have been in. Lots of love, sex, laughter and respect, happy times 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Holland said:


> I don't really like your list and mine looks quite different. I have the perfect partner for me, we have many discussions about our relationship and both strive to maintain what we feel is the best relationship either of us have been in. Lots of love, sex, laughter and respect, happy times
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hi  it's ok.i know every woman's list is different. Can i please get a rough idea about your list if u have time?  because i know you have a happy marriage and there might be things i can learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> that's all you want in a mate? What about communication, respect, good sex,physical affection etc?
> 
> These are not rules.these are Qualities..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The "decent human being" part includes communication and respect, and good sex / physical attraction, as any high school girl knows will only carry one so far. 

I make an excellent living helping design complex products - the kind you read up on Consumer Reports magazine. Part of my job is to help my company understand why people select particular products over others. Nobody has 30 rigid rules. Not to buy a toaster oven, not for a car, not for a house even.

If it works for you, then the more power to you! Most common mortals can't handle 10 rules let alone 30...


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> The "decent human being" part includes communication and respect, and good sex / physical attraction, as any high school girl knows will only carry one so far.
> 
> I make an excellent living helping design complex products - the kind you read up on Consumer Reports magazine. Part of my job is to help my company understand why people select particular products over others. Nobody has 30 rigid rules. Not to buy a toaster oven, not for a car, not for a house even.
> 
> If it works for you, then the more power to you! Most common mortals can't handle 10 rules let alone 30...


I dont think "decent human being" includes good communication,good sex and physical affection... 

selecting a man is of course different from buying a toaster oven,car or a house... those things you can buy again/ exchange. this list is meant to be a guideline so that when the time comes,i do not make the mistake i once did in selecting a mate...

again, these are not rules but qualities..


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

any lady willing to post your list?  that would be interesting


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Many men are capable of, and have the qualities you are looking for. What do you bring to the table to elicit, draw out, make a man actually want to show you these qualities?


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

I do realize that most of you might not have had a "list" you got to know someone, fell in love and everything worked out (like, you love travel,he or she does not but you compromised etc)


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Many men are capable of, and have the qualities you are looking for. What do you bring to the table to elicit, draw out, make a man actually want to show you these qualities?


A man who has these qualities will show these qualities when he is in love right? or he just waits and expects the woman to "draw out" these...? i think in love means "wanting to show these qualities ?" please explain 


in any case, i don't want to say i ll do this, i ll do that etc on here.. that feels like blowing my own trumpet...? now, if i do a list which says what type of a wife i ll be, i will list everything.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> I do realize that most of you might not have had a "list" you got to know someone, fell in love and everything worked out (like, you love travel,he or she does not but you compromised etc)


I have a feeling many of us did indeed have lists, but when we met someone, fell in love with them, we realized our list wasn't what we were actually looking for, and some of us were lucky enough to find someone that made us realize just how wrong our list was for ourselves.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> A man who has these qualities will show these qualities when he is in love right? or he just waits and expects the woman to "draw out" these...? i think in love means "wanting to show these qualities ?" please explain
> 
> 
> in any case, i don't want to say i ll do this, i ll do that etc on here.. that feels like blowing my own trumpet...? now, if i do a list which says what type of a wife i ll be, i will list everything.


People do tend to attract certain types of people by their own behaviors and attitudes. That is one of the main reasons why when people say things like why do I always seem to find this type of person, or where are all the good ones, why are all the good ones taken...a person really should look at themselves, and try and figure out what it is about themselves that keeps attracting this type of person. Really search deep and figure out if one would actually be attractive to the type of person they are wanting to attract.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> some of us were lucky enough to find someone that made us realize just how wrong our list was for ourselves.


hmm... are you one of the lucky ones..? did you have a list and later realized how wrong your list was for yourself..? if so, can you please please describe what were the wrong qualities on your list..? thank you so much:smthumbup:


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

As an adult, one has to understand that there is no suck a thing as "perfection"......when it comes to EVERYTHING, especially human beings.


----------



## lordfire00 (Jun 28, 2014)

*Re: Re: the "perfect husband" list*



finding-a-path said:


> I thought of starting a fun thread:smthumbup:here is the list of qualities the "perfect" husband will have..and honestly, i think men like this do not exist. ladies, if you have a husband like this, please do let us know.let's see how many are lucky
> 
> 1 honest and transparent-no lies at all,no hiding the truth because i will be upset/blame/argue if i know the truth,happy to share passwords,tell me where he is going etc
> 
> ...


Lol....a majority of these things i try do with my wife....and thats by full intention. This is what my wife has with me....but her momma and other things are more priority than me. I dedicate time to her no matter what. I even give her massages. I ask her about her day. I initiate sex, not her. In other words, since her parents returned back into the picture, our marriage (relationship) has severly gone down hill. So there is someone out there like that. Thats not being a perfect man, thats a man loving his wife to the core and passionately.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> i dont know the reason for the divorce so i would not comment on that.but i would read your threads after i go home from work.. But maybe this list is not what she wanted..? Or maybe she got everything SHE wanted and still it didnt work out? may i ask why you didnt do 20  ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I did do all those things including 20 when married. I just won't now.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> A man who has these qualities will show these qualities when he is in love right? or he just waits and expects the woman to "draw out" these...? i think in love means "wanting to show these qualities ?" please explain
> 
> 
> in any case, i don't want to say i ll do this, i ll do that etc on here.. that feels like blowing my own trumpet...? now, if i do a list which says what type of a wife i ll be, i will list everything.


For me drawing out means giving as much as you get. I gave way more in my marriage than I ever got back. Never again would I participate in a lopsided relationship.

Want doors open for you, then act like a lady.

Want me to pay for a date, be appreciative and say thank you and then pick up the next date and I will do the same

Want me to listen to your day no problem. But don't dismiss me when I am talking to you about mine

So forth and so on. Tit for tat. Sad that it has come down to seeing relationships this way but if you don't its way to easy to be taken advantage of.


----------



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

While I am a little weak in a few of these. This is basically me as of the last year or so. I am sensitive, extremely passionate about my wife and our marriage, and prety laid back and easy going. I am a bit bad about important dates (always remember my wifes birthday and our anniversary) and a bit of a workaholic. But I'm so anal about opening doors for her she often races to get them herself. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

DoF said:


> As an adult, one has to understand that there is no suck a thing as "perfection"......when it comes to EVERYTHING, especially human beings.


of course  i guess it would have been better if the title was the "loving" husband list.. because these are the things which makes me loved,cherished and safe


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> hmm... are you one of the lucky ones..? did you have a list and later realized how wrong your list was for yourself..? if so, can you please please describe what were the wrong qualities on your list..? thank you so much:smthumbup:


I am one. An example would be me wanting a woman who contributed as much financially as I did, or at least close to it. My wife makes very little compared to me, but I quickly realized that it wasn't the money I really wanted. It was the respect and appreciation for that part of my contribution to the relationship that I was truly desiring.

I guess my thinking was that if she was bringing in as much as I was, there would be equality, and I wouldn't be made to feel as if I was an ATM again.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

lordfire00 said:


> Lol....a majority of these things i try do with my wife....and thats by full intention. This is what my wife has with me....but her momma and other things are more priority than me. I dedicate time to her no matter what. I even give her massages. I ask her about her day. I initiate sex, not her. i hope she will stop taking you for granted and will return the love you are giving.. In other words, since her parents returned back into the picture, our marriage (relationship) has severly gone down hill. So there is someone out there like that.





lordfire00 said:


> Thats not being a perfect man, thats a man loving his wife to the core and passionately.


 thank you for that sentence. yes. this list explains the qualities of a man who loves his wife to the core...


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> of course  i guess it would have been better if the title was the "loving" husband list.. because these are the things which makes me loved,cherished and safe


Not to transactionalize things, but I think wolf is right. You get what you give. That gets back to what I was saying about attracting a certain type of person. Many men who have the traits you are looking for are well aware of their worth in a relationship, and if a woman is to have any chance of keeping him, and keeping him happy, she had better be prepared to earn it, and not take it for granted that she deserves it just because. She has to be ready and able to give back in kind.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Wolf1974 said:


> For me drawing out means giving as much as you get. thank you for that explanation. now i understand I gave way more in my marriage than I ever got back. Never again would I participate in a lopsided relationship.
> 
> Want doors open for you, then act like a lady.
> 
> ...


you are correct. i want a faithful and honest man,i will be faithful and honest too, i want him to be caring and kind, i will be too,i want good sex, i am ready to initiate and do my part too.i want him to come to the fairs with me,i am ready to go to the motor show with him too..i want him to listen when i am talking about my day, i am ready to listen about his day too. give and take,totally correct.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> While I am a little weak in a few of these. This is basically me as of the last year or so. I am sensitive, extremely passionate about my wife and our marriage, and prety laid back and easy going. I am a bit bad about important dates (always remember my wifes birthday and our anniversary) and a bit of a workaholic. But I'm so anal about opening doors for her she often races to get them herself.
> 
> Ray
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ok.. here i am getting the 1st non deal breaker. say he is all this but he can't remember important days.simple, he just has to put them on a reminder app. that's what my soon to be ex did too.


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> I am one. An example would be me wanting a woman who contributed as much financially as I did, or at least close to it. My wife makes very little compared to me, but I quickly realized that it wasn't the money I really wanted. It was the respect and appreciation for that part of my contribution to the relationship that I was truly desiring.
> 
> I guess my thinking was that if she was bringing in as much as I was, there would be equality, and I wouldn't be made to feel as if I was an ATM again.


good point. and was it the only wrong quality in your list..?


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> Not to transactionalize things, but I think wolf is right. You get what you give. That gets back to what I was saying about attracting a certain type of person. Many men who have the traits you are looking for are well aware of their worth in a relationship, and if a woman is to have any chance of keeping him, and keeping him happy, she had better be prepared to earn it, and not take it for granted that she deserves it just because. She has to be ready and able to give back in kind.


agreed 100%. i could not understand when you said "draw out" English is not my 1st language.. now i see what you meant.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The "decent human being" attribute involves flexibility and adaptability, which is the hallmark of interpersonal interaction. 

In the fabled list for example there are specific rules related to financial ability. If the couple is starting out in life or just blew a gasket on the car then... 

The list is too Bridezilla like for my taste. I prefer to focus instead on a sound personality that recognizes, understands, and adapts to the realities of life.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> agreed 100%. i could not understand when you said "draw out" English is not my 1st language.. now i see what you meant.



Given the size and specificity of your list I would be surprised if you're NOT Asian 

My wife is Asian and her list is in an Oracle database somewhere


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
My "perfect spouse list"

1) Truly enjoys making you happy.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

intheory said:


> ^^^ I think for most of us; it does end up like this.
> 
> I never had a "list", as such.
> 
> Some of the lists I've heard about include such "dealbreakers" as, "wears T-shirts with graphics on them".


A perfection list is aiming for an unknown and possibly inaccurate target. I think a red flag list is a lot easier to deal with. After my first marriage failed, I had a red flag list and it served me well.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I agree with others, some may not care for some of the things on the list or not find them very important.

For instance, since I LIKE a little porn - I am happy he is not against it or we'd fight about this... does he put it before me.. NEVER.. so it was never an issue.... Back in the day, I did frown on it, but I have gotten over this.. 

We both have opposite sex friends on our FB...never had a problem ...this doesn't always = flirtatious.. we are both careful who we friend..and what type of lifestyle they live. But true, we are "ONE"... his friends are MINE and MINE are his.. any attitude about that from others dissing one of us, or disrespecting .. they'd have to go. 

He doesn't send me texts, just never got into that.. when he's at work...he is working..

I'd take myself to the Doc unless I wasn't able/ injured or in labor...he's never asked if I remembered my medicine- that's more on me.... I would be the one to watch he did or the kids....

I've told him I don't need him to get my door (but it is sweet - no doubt)...I can carry lots of bags too..

He enjoys traveling with me but I have to plan every vacation.. or we'd never leave the house... (I don't mind...I'm better at it!)

You mentioned "tightfisted" men.. you mean "cheap?".... I am cheaper over my husband.. I would probably get upset if I felt he wasted too much $$ on me...He quit buying me gifts a long time ago, I'd rather go shopping with him.. that works for us.. 

Really.. I am a cheap date.. told him one time to not buy me flowers unless they have roots... (good thing I am not a man!) , then I told him , better yet... Buy me a TREE.. and he told me to go buy my own Tree.. (Yes, this was a real exchange of ours in the past).. 

Everyone defines *Romance* different....for me, never cared I don't get a card , a gift, diamonds..... I like chocolate though.. this is how I see Romance...



> *Being Romantic means being sensitive, affectionate, and spritually-inclined.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He is not one to give too many surprises.. I am better at that.. but what he does give me is a good attitude , always wants to be with me.. touchy feely









, watches chick flicks with me.. 


He's never been one to do "Boys's night out" -more a Family guy .. but I wouldn't mind if he did.... we've went to the strip club together (a higher class place that encouraged married couples in the door), he's told me he wouldn't go without me.. a little phase in Mid life, it passed... we enjoyed it .

Housework is my thing.. he does the Guy stuff that I can't do.. this works for us .

He is protective -as far as harm.. but not so much the jealous type..but he'll say I never gave him a reason to be...I would say the same of him...

Most everything else on that list was a


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Personal said:


> As someone who quite readily goes with the flow when it comes to relationships I've never had a list.


I had a mental list. I knew what I wanted in a guy..and what would not work for me / those deal breakers ...he smoked when we met and I told him I didn't want to be with a smoker, kissing an ashtray , wasting $$ & his health slowly being destroyed, not going to work for me ...

He quit...

Also I wrote many love notes early on...(long before cell phones)...PICKING HIS BRAIN....he is not much of a writer.... but he answered every one... I still have them all saved.. I was assessing our compatibility in those early months.. we just had so much in common, it was kinda crazy..


----------



## meson (May 19, 2011)

Clearly I'm not a perfect husband and these are my faults:



finding-a-path said:


> 2 faithful and devoted- does not stare at other women on the streets,doesn't chat with women on fb or any other social media, doesn't touch other women except immediate family (i don't mean a handshake)and is friends with women only when we both are friends of the women as a couple. no porn (even though i know some wives are ok with it)
> 
> 3 kind- kind to me,does not scream,no abuse,kind to my family,animals,environment,beggars and waiters.
> 
> ...



My wife doesn't but she loves me anyway and we have had a great life together. Love isn't about perfection, it's perhaps something a little more...


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Interestingly nothing about looks. Once women love someone and get married, if he's nice, they conceive of him as handsome and attractive.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

finding-a-path said:


> hi  it's ok.i know every woman's list is different. Can i please get a rough idea about your list if u have time?  because i know you have a happy marriage and there might be things i can learn.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Finding, yes every woman is different as is every man, that makes life even more interesting. I never had a list when I went back to the dating world because quite honestly I was not interested in or want a serious relationship at that time. I had more of a red flag list as a pp said, things that I would never tolerate or let into my life even if it was just going to be a casual dating experience. 
There are also things I would tolerate in a casual thing v's a serious relationship. eg in a casual fling I didn't care what he did for a living, what he earns or what his future looked like.

Mr H and I became very serious quite quickly and as time has gone on he meets and exceeds all my wants and needs.

The no porn, no looking at other women, having female friends etc issues are not on my list. I don't have a problem with any of these things, I also don't want to manage his life, he is my partner not my child. If a man is not big enough to naturally be loyal to me then I don't want him.

I also don't have gifts as a need or want, sure they are nice but I am not into "things" but a good lifestyle is important so he had to be financially well off.

Things on my list include:
great sex, often
high emotional intelligence
high intelligence
good communicator
likes football
dislikes religion
had to be a parent and on the same page as me when it came to very slowly blending our families.
good looking
tall
well dressed
excellent SOH
a man that truly wanted to be in a committed relationship
makes me feel emotionally safe
loves and likes me
is very affectionate
is strong enough to handle me and look after our relationship
likes cycling
loves life, like trying new things and experiences
not misogynistic
caring


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Other than the good dresser, looks, and tall part I think I have everything else covered in Holland's list


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> Given the size and specificity of your list I would be surprised if you're NOT Asian
> 
> My wife is Asian and her list is in an Oracle database somewhere


I am Asian. and it makes me happy that Asian women CAN have a list and select when it comes to having a life partner..

most of the times, women just have to "agree" to marry someone selected by her family... they don't get a say on what qualities they want in their husband.. which is very sad..


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening all
> My "perfect spouse list"
> 
> 1) Truly enjoys making you happy.


that is a very short and sweet way of explaining the "perfect spouse list":smthumbup: i know some say "no one can make you happy,you have to make yourself happy" etc... but, i think a partner who enjoys making you happy is a blessing..


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> He enjoys traveling with me but I have to plan every vacation.. or we'd never leave the house... (I don't mind...I'm better at it!)
> i enjoy planning too
> You mentioned "tightfisted" men.. you mean "cheap?".... the ones who say "no no get this one,it is cheaper" knowing that the cheaper thing is of low quality,the ones who never spend anything on gifts.. I am cheaper over my husband.. I would probably get upset if I felt he wasted too much $$ on me...He quit buying me gifts a long time ago, I'd rather go shopping with him.. that works for us..
> 
> ...


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> Interestingly nothing about looks. Once women love someone and get married, if he's nice, they conceive of him as handsome and attractive.


good point!!


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

finding-a-path said:


> I am Asian. and it makes me happy that Asian women CAN have a list and select when it comes to having a life partner..
> 
> 
> 
> most of the times, women just have to "agree" to marry someone selected by her family... they don't get a say on what qualities they want in their husband.. which is very sad..



But the question remains... How many reciprocal qualities does this hypothetical Asian woman would bring to the table ?

In my case, all the lists in the world could not have prepared me for what happened in year 25 of a decent marriage. I've posted the story often enough.....

Since we married with no parental approvals or even meeting each other's family, this was a monumentally stupid decision on my part. Like, Mike Dukakis TV AD riding a tank bad... 

It took seven years to meet her mother - a dour, heartless, selfish, mentally sick woman who made her husband and kids life miserable. Then a couple years later I met her father, a greedy, self centered but very intelligent person who pretty much let his wife die from heart disease. And I haven't even got into her siblings 

So, scrub your list and look at your mate's parents for an indication of what you will have 20 years from now.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I suspect that it takes a perfect wife to fully recognize and appreciate a perfect husband, or vice versa.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

True, but you're talking individual personality traits, and I'm talking mental illness. 

My late brother and I had zero in common except love for progressive rock music... Yet we were great friends. But he wasn't a lunatic any more than I am. 

I am playing out this theory right now with my older girl. She has been dating this guy for nearly 5 years thru HS and college. The kid is relatively ok but he has phenomenally good pedigree - wealthy, educated, and cultured parents that are as straight as an arrow and adore my girl. A bunch of good kid siblings too. No divorces, emotional dramas, and the like. Truly wysiwyg. 

Is it a guarantee? No, nothing is, but the chance of her getting stuck with a sample patient from my worn out DSM-IV is quite minimal.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I know... My older girl is an emotional firecracker at times and not the easiest to deal with  so the right guy has to be patient. And he has been. 

But she has so much to offer compared to a lot of her peers so... 

I may not have a list for my marriage but I do have one for my daughters  marriages.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> 1 honest and transparent-no lies at all,no hiding the truth because i will be upset/blame/argue if i know the truth,happy to share passwords,tell me where he is going etc
> 
> *check*
> 
> ...


On another note, Finding, you seem a bit more at peace now. Is that true? Are things looking up for you and you are moving forward now?


----------



## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

The Perfect Husband:

1. My Perfect Husband loves me and will always be there for me and take care of me. Although not perfect in every way, he fits this brief description and for some people these basics would be more than enough.

2. The Perfect Husband has the Perfect Wife.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

It's better to be the right one than find the right one.


----------



## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Q tip said:


> It's better to be the right one than find the right one.


Or maybe its just as important to be the right one as it is to find the right one.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

kindnessrules said:


> The Perfect Husband:
> 
> 
> 
> 1. My Perfect Husband loves me and will always be there for me and take care of me. Although not perfect in every way, he fits this brief description and for some people these basics would be more than enough.




Ehem, there's a lot more to perfection than taking care of one another. There's leadership, vision, adaptability, making tough decisions, treating each other as equal, and so on. 

Too many people live for the here-and-now while disregarding the big picture.

My late brother was the perfect caregiver to a lady that simply wanted no part of carrying her own weight in life. A distinguished graduate of the top law school in my birth country, never worked a day in her life as my brother was the Provider-in-chief. I'm sure she felt she had a great marriage by being constantly pampered, and he did not know better. At the end he passed on from cancer at 53 and she's dating our best friend from back then . I have to deal with various legal tax etc issues in the old country and invariably he's doing all the legwork. 

It's no wonder that taking care of a healthy spouse does not rank very high on my list.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

thefam said:


> Or maybe its just as important to be the right one as it is to find the right one.


Also true. I'd personally would withdraw from someone who compares me to an inanimate wish list. I offer so much more than that. The list is insanely small. Misses out entirely in so many areas. Values, hopes, dreams, well grounded... An infinitely long list would about cover it.

But then, one merely has a shopping list better suited for buying a car. 

I am not a monster, I am a human being!


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

john117 said:


> But the question remains... How many reciprocal qualities does this hypothetical Asian woman would bring to the table ?
> as i have mentioned earlier too, she expects him to be faithful, she is faithful too etc
> In my case, all the lists in the world could not have prepared me for what happened in year 25 of a decent marriage. I've posted the story often enough.....
> 
> ...


i admit that it was a big mistake that i did not have a hard look at the mother.... i did not know that she would be so interfering and possessive... my mother said she displayed some controlling characteristics from the beginning.i guess i failed to see...


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

thefam said:


> On another note, Finding, you seem a bit more at peace now. Is that true? Are things looking up for you and you are moving forward now?


thank you ... yes, a bit more at peace now..I had dreams of growing old with him, loads of memories and hopes.. suddenly all of that was taken from me, but now i am learning to deal with it... it was not meant to be forever. I am starting the divorce very soon..


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

finding-a-path said:


> i admit that it was a big mistake that i did not have a hard look at the mother.... i did not know that she would be so interfering and possessive... my mother said she displayed some controlling characteristics from the beginning.i guess i failed to see...


Same with me. I met her mother when she was NOT a functioning alcoholic, little girl lost, codependant person.

I always feel like I got sold a bad bill of goods..


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

finding-a-path said:


> i admit that it was a big mistake that i did not have a hard look at the mother.... i did not know that she would be so interfering and possessive... my mother said she displayed some controlling characteristics from the beginning.i guess i failed to see...


If my husband had any notions I'd turn out like my mother he would have dropped me like a hot potato.... I am fond of saying I always took after my Father ...(he would agree with that).. 

One of our sons is seeing a girl who has a CRAZY Mom/ left the family/ wild / manipulative ...but her dad is very stable minded/ Great guy, raised 4 kids on his own..... I can't judge too harshly as I'd hate to be compared to my own mother.. so I am hoping she is another one who is more like her Father, she does call him her "hero" and is very close to him.

We don't all take after our Moms, sometimes we take a hard look at their mistakes and learn from them, because we don't want to turn out like them.


----------



## Tentative (Oct 5, 2014)

Wow! mine missed 2 out of 30  - #2 and #12, 2 because he's a big flirt (nothing overt or inappropriate: just one of those latin "I'm-a-lover-not-a-fighter" types) and 12 because he's never bought me anything romantic (flowers, jewelry, theatre tickets, etc.) but he buys me all the toys, movies, and games I've ever wanted so.... pretty darn perfect!


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

Tentative said:


> Wow! mine missed 2 out of 30  - #2 and #12, 2 because he's a big flirt (nothing overt or inappropriate: just one of those latin "I'm-a-lover-not-a-fighter" types) and 12 because he's never bought me anything romantic (flowers, jewelry, theatre tickets, etc.) but he buys me all the toys, movies, and games I've ever wanted so.... pretty darn perfect!


lucky you :smthumbup:

no jewelry? what about the engagement ring?


----------



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I did not read whole the thread but noticed my list would be very different



finding-a-path said:


> 5 caring-Asking why if I am upset or crying,asking if I ate, sending me a “take care” text,taking me to doc when I am sick,reminding me to take the meds,coming to pick me up on rainy days,keeping quiet when I am asleep and many little things which means so much to me…


* does not ask me if I ate or took a medication because he knows there is no need to. I sometimes do ask hubby if he ate but only because he forgets about it - I don't. Don't think hubby likes that very much



finding-a-path said:


> 12 romantic- roses on special and normal days(valentine day is a hallmark holiday so he wont get me flowers even though I would love to get some? Flowers are waste of money because they die in few days? That I don’t like. I want someone who thinks yeah flowers die,but seeing her smile when she gets them is more important) E cards,love letters,love notes…pet names..compliments.. love talks..surprises


* doesn't buy me a lot of flowers. Sometimes flowers are great - always flowers are a waste of money.



finding-a-path said:


> 27 misses me when I am not with him and calls and texts


* Is not to clingy.

To be honest if I was with a man who would be like the one on your list I would feel a little stalked and I am happy my hubby is not like this...

Everybody is different though...

Anyway be careful not to miss a "not so perfect" person you could be genuinely happy with...


----------



## finding-a-path (May 1, 2014)

I'll make tea said:


> I did not read whole the thread but noticed my list would be very different
> 
> 
> 
> ...


----------

