# My husband says he's never been comfortable with the idea of having kids with me.



## Ariadne1225 (Feb 12, 2010)

So, my husband and I are starting marriage counseling next week, due to some serious communication issues that culminated in my husband having a purely physical affair (not emotion) then followed by an emotional affair. 

I'm committed to staying and working. He's is due to begin seeing a psychotherapist, as he's dealt with anxiety issues his whole life, and his current counselor thinks he suffers from well-masked depression (my description, not hers) and possibly a generalized anxiety disorder. 

Now, all the obvious upheaval aside, my husband made a confession during one of our recent conversations that stung in a completely different way than the affairs, or "falling out of love." He told me that he's never been comfortable with the idea of having kids with me. Not just in general, but with ME. I'm sure it seems weird that I'm seeking input on this and not everything else, but I just can't get this out of my mind. 

The thing is, neither of us are even sure if we WANT kids (we're late 20's) but the idea that my spouse would not want to create a child with me was a huge personal insult. I'm thinking this is a sign that he doesn't want to be married - which is something we are going to address in counseling. He's doubting all his life decisions right now, and is questioning whether he's "meant for marriage." He says he loves me, but is completely confused.

All our recent communication issues aside, we've known each other for years, and, in the past, prior to our communication issues, (in my perception at least) we had open, sometimes hard conversations about the reality of our relationship. *He* used to make comments when we saw small children and talk about "if we have kids." While the jury was (and still is) out for both of us on children, I still assumed that he had no problem with me being the mother of his children should we decide to have any. When I think of kids, I wouldn't want to create them with anyone else. I think our kids would be pretty great.

So, while there are larger issues to sort through at the moment this statement/confession has really stuck with me. He says he doesn't know why he's never been comfortable...

Thoughts?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my thoughts are that even if he didnt always feel this way, even if he is going through some mid-life crisis, that this is what he thinks now- so that's all that matters. focus on now, on his behavior now. 

if he's having affairs, you should seriously reconsider having kids with _him_. i dont think he's the fatherly type.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This one is pretty simple. If he doesn't think you're going to be a good mother to his children, he's going to be drawn to other women. He probably wants kids and is just depressed that you don't.

I'll disagree with Blanca and say he may very well be a very fatherly type.

Everyone talks about the biological clock making women do strange things, it's less common but there's a similar effect for men too.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

This is a statement designed to get you to leave him. For whatever reason, he wants out of the marriage but does not want the responsibility of making that decision. I doubt he actually sat there and thought, what can I say to make her leave? But he is sending very clear signals that he does not want to be married to YOU. "I think I might not be the marrying type" is a similar statement. 

Anxiety is a *****, but one can learn to be brave in the face of it. He's being cowardly and he'll continue to blame you for "maternal deficiencies" rather than admit he wants out--unless maybe you call him on it. He's thrown the ball in your court, now you can throw it back--tell him you think he wants out and all these comments and his behavior are designed to get you to leave. If you can be calm and non-threatening, he may come clean, and then you need to find out if he really wants to work on things or if he has a woman already lined up and is "out the door." You can decide if you want to get him out of the affair or not (and all you can do is try; ultimately, letting go of OW is his decision and it may not lead to a reconciliation.) The real issue is for you is, how much time and energy do you want to devote to someone who may have a ton of growing up to do? If I'm right about what's going on, I suspect you are way ahead of him maturity wise, etc., and you probably deserve better; he may never catch up and he may choose to not try very hard b/c he can always find another woman to take care of him. Good luck with things and keep us posted.


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