# "I regret marrying you !! " He said during argument



## sparkles2020 (Apr 18, 2020)

Its been 8 years but I cant shake off what my husband said during a heated argument when I discovered he had given a former work colleague some money without my knowledge. We hadnt had a huge argument like that ever and havnt since and we generally are pleasant with each other when we disagree. 

My husband doesnt really talk to me about things that really matter in a family setting . Its always small talk about current events, etc. I really yearn for a deep connection with him but I assumed after being married 15 years , this should no longer be a concern. 

He makes calls to friends and family when i have left the room. In his family i still dont feel like I belong there. I always wondwer if he is generally private or if he is hiding things from me. I was hoping 15 years down the line , i should start to feel like I belong there.

He knows a lot of what happens in my family because I discuss things with him but regarding his family i still feel like a stranger.

Anyway since that argument when he said those words. Its been a marriage of ups and downs. On the downs, i cant help thinking maybe the downs are worse because he regrets marrying me. 

Should i really take to heart whats said during an argument? Do people generally mean what they blurt out in the heat of the moment? When i asked him why he regrets marrying me , he said its because he doesnt feel comfortable talking to me.can anyone make sense to me why you would continue to live with someone you are not comfortable talking to. 

Most of the time he is busy chatting away om whatsapp in the many groups he is in. At night he will try and initiate sex with me. I give in because sometimes i feel no different than a hooker because of not feeling emotionally comnected to him . I dont know? Should i read too much into things ? 




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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Sometimes angry people will say stuff they don't feel when they're calm, sometimes being angry lets them say what they DO feel when they're calm. 

In either case, why don't you work on the problems you have? He said he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you, ask how that could be improved, listen, be constructive. MC may help.

As for the expectation that 15 years of marriage should have fixed all of this, well it hasn't, and that's not that unusual. You mentioned your own disappointments in your communication, you should bring those up in a constructive way. It may well be what he doesn't like and what you don't like are related, and solving one problem solves both.

A marriage is like a house, it requires maintenance sometimes, and that doesn't mean it was a bad choice.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

sparkles2020 said:


> Do people generally mean what they blurt out in the heat of the moment?


I once said this in a heated argument, too. I absolutely felt that way, in that moment, because my stress level was in my eyeballs. Once calm, I went to my wife and told her that I should have never said that, my emotions were in a roar, and during any and all rational moments of life, I clearly do not regret marrying her. I love her dearly, I didn't make any mistake by marrying her.

So, my answer to your question is no.



sparkles2020 said:


> he said its because he doesnt feel comfortable talking to me.can anyone make sense to me why you would continue to live with someone you are not comfortable talking to.


The truth is, I don't feel comfortable talking to my wife, nor anyone else. It is very hard for me to talk to people. I avoid it at almost any cost, and far prefer to write my communications. I continue to live with my wife because she is a good wife, I love her supremely, and the bible says it all in one verse:

Proverbs 31:11 (KJV)

_The heart of her husband doth safely trust in her, so that he shall have no need of spoil. _

There are many things I would change about our marriage, if I could. However, I wouldn't change my wife's trustworthiness for all the gold in California.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I know that in the heat of an argument, I have said things to my wife that I didn't mean so I wouldn't put a lot of stock in what he said, but it obviously bothers you so you need to talk to him about it.

For most of our marriage, (47 years) I have had a hard time talking to my wife about our relationship and other things that really matter. It comes from me being a non-confrontational person and her getting defensive or angry about what we were trying to talk about and turning it into an argument. So I avoided the arguments by not talking to her about our relationship. She would eventually get upset and ask why I wouldn't talk to her and I told her it was because that was the way she trained me. If you kick a dog every time he barks, he will eventually quit barking. We've worked on this a lot and have gotten much better, but just because you are married for 15 years doesn't mean that things get better by themselves. 

There is some reason why he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you. Maybe he's like me and doesn't feel safe talking to you for some reason. Start by finding out what that reason is. Not talking is the symptom, not the root issue.


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## Ella-Bee (Apr 18, 2020)

I wouldn't assume what he said was true specifically, as people say all sorts of things when angry enough. It may be, but it may not be. Or he might feel that way sometimes and not at others.

I would, however, be worried that you don't seem to be friends with your husband, that after 15 years you still don't feel part of his family, that you don't talk about anything of value with him, and don't seem to have any real connection. You sound like strangers sharing a house. If you go to marriage counselling (which might be useful) then I would focus on those things primarily.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

OP I know exactly how you feel. I wish that people would truly understand how damaging words can be, and once they're out there, you can't take them back.

Four years ago, my husband said something to me in the heat of the moment, three words that instantly shattered all my feelings of safety and security - and I've never been able to get them back since, at least not as they were prior. I still tear up if I think about it, I'm tearing up as I type this now, the words cut to my core. I told him the next day that I wish he had slapped me, that that wouldn't have hurt me even half as much as what he said.

He did NOT mean to hurt me, I know this, and we have moved on from it. The damage however, remains, years after the fact and I don't know that I'll ever truly feel 100% secure again.

I want to be clear that we are happily married and we discussed this at the time and put it to bed. I know he regrets it with all his heart and if he could take it back he would.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I agree with what other people have said, the particular words blurted out in an argument are often not meaningful, or not to be taken literally. 

The real problem is this:


sparkles2020 said:


> I really yearn for a deep connection with him but I assumed after being married 15 years , this should no longer be a concern.


I would guess this is a two-sided problem.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I used to say hurtful stuff when I was angry. I didn't really mean them. It's my personality. I always apologised afterwards.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Because it was so long ago, it may be an impossibility to discuss it without unintentional personal coloring of remembrances due to years passed, by both of you.

The other issues and trouble in communication and intimacy, perceived hiding by him which may or may not be real, but if concerns needs to be discussed in an initially non-threatening kindly manner.

The feeling you have as not being part of his family if I'm understanding you correctly may be real, your perception or a mixture of both.

But it's important to you therefore it should be talked about as you two talk about current ways to improve your M.

A marriage tune-up is most always a good thing.

Touch on the troubles, celebrate the wins between you two as a married couple.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

For me, you are focusing on the wrong statement. Your H said, "He does not feel comfortable talking with you." Did you ask why your H does not feel comfortable talking to your other then current events? If your H is not comfortable opening up to you there will be not deeper connection.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

sparkles2020 said:


> Its been 8 years but I cant shake off what my husband said during a heated argument when I discovered he had given a former work colleague some money without my knowledge. We hadnt had a huge argument like that ever and havnt since and we generally are pleasant with each other when we disagree.
> 
> My husband doesnt really talk to me about things that really matter in a family setting . Its always small talk about current events, etc. I really yearn for a deep connection with him but I assumed after being married 15 years , this should no longer be a concern.
> 
> ...


Hey, 
I wouldn't take what he said to heart. I'm sure he did not mean it. As for feeling excluded by him because 'he doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about things", that seems like a him issue, not you per se. How to get him to open up is more difficult. Some people never will I don't think, and I think that's just part of personality sometimes. Maybe asking him what would make him more comfortable opening up to you, and why he doesn't feel comfortable, when you're both in a good mood might be a good idea. Would he consider seeing a therapist on his own to work on that? Good luck to you!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> For me, you are focusing on the wrong statement. Your H said, "He does not feel comfortable talking with you." Did you ask why your H does not feel comfortable talking to your other then current events? If your H is not comfortable opening up to you there will be not deeper connection.


And here's another tidbit to think about.

@Yeswecan said if, if he's not comfortable talking with you etc. so there may not be a deeper connection, here's perhaps an adder:

I myself have a couple things I'm uncomfortable talking with DW about (just a couple, after 35 yrs M) but that doesn't mean I DON'T talk with her on those couple things.

Because she's earned the right to have my honesty as well as I believe she's earned the right to have that honesty.

Now, it's MY belief (as well as hers) she's due it and MY belief that honesty is best in almost all things on the honesty factor that wins the day, not her just "feeling like she does", granted, imho.

But we're on the same page mostly which is why we're still married I reckon.

We both believe that in good communication in best marriages even the tough to discuss topics are required participation, so to speak.

Sometimes being uncomfortable doing something isn't, and by far isn't a reason to not do it.

For both parties; the one bringing up concerns and the one listening. 

Because each becomes the other on different topics through the years out of necessity. Has to happen.

So buck up! You need to storm that gate.

You can do it!!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

After reading your post, OP, I have to ask - 

Do _you_ regret marrying _him_? Even if you would never say it out loud in an argument?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

I don't know why you would want to have sex with a stranger. He's making you feel like a hooker so just don't. Tell him you don't feel close or connected. He can jerk off to his whatsapp buds.

And, stop going around his family. You don't know anything about them and they don't mean anything to you. Treat yourself with the respect you deserve.


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