# Sex After a Bad Day



## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

My W was listening to the radio, and the topic on differences b/w men and women (in regards to sex) came up. The female DJ used a bad day as an example. A man comes home from a bad day, the W says lets go upstairs, and his clothes are off before she even finishes the sentence. Now switch roles, woman comes home from a bad day, H says lets go upstairs, W looks at him like he is crazy, why would she even want to do that now.

Now, I know this is a bit of a generalization, but I do believe there is some truth to this. I could have the crappiest of days, and honestly the one thing my W could do to make me feel better, **** me  On the other hand, my W could have the crappiest day, and what would make her feel better would be me listening to her, showing support. So in my mind, if my W has a bad day, my natural inclination is to make her feel better via sex when that is probably not what she needs. In my Ws mind, if I have a bad day, her natural inclination is to want to talk things out with me, which does zip for me. 

How accurate do you folks find this for yourselves and your SO?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think a lot of the important stuff is in handling and approach.

We don't really fit that dynamic. When I have a bad day or headache, etc. Mrs. C usually says "You know what will make it better?" as she smiles.

There have also been times when I was comforting her with caresses and kisses that led to very tender love making. Those times were when she was really upset about something and even crying.

She has done the same for me.

She can also be pissed off and still want sex though so maybe a lot of our dynamic is her.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

EllisRedding said:


> My W was listening to the radio, and the topic on differences b/w men and women (in regards to sex) came up. The female DJ used a bad day as an example. A man comes home from a bad day, the W says lets go upstairs, and his clothes are off before she even finishes the sentence. Now switch roles, woman comes home from a bad day, H says lets go upstairs, W looks at him like he is crazy, why would she even want to do that now.
> 
> Now, I know this is a bit of a generalization, but I do believe there is some truth to this. I could have the crappiest of days, and honestly the one thing my W could do to make me feel better, **** me  On the other hand, my W could have the crappiest day, and what would make her feel better would be me listening to her, showing support. So in my mind, if my W has a bad day, my natural inclination is to make her feel better via sex when that is probably not what she needs. In my Ws mind, if I have a bad day, her natural inclination is to want to talk things out with me, which does zip for me.
> 
> How accurate do you folks find this for yourselves and your SO?




I think for most men and women, most of the time; what you describe it true.

#notallmenandwomenarethesame


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## Satisfied Mind (Jan 29, 2019)

Like a lot of generalizations, this one is probably true for many couples, but not really for me.

I'm an extremely HD man, but if I have a really bad day, I'm not immediately DTF as soon as I walk in the door. Sex definitely improves my mood, but I need to get out of my own head first. Fortunately, my wife has gotten pretty good at helping me do that.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I like a lot of cuddles and hugs when I have had a bad day. Now cuddles and hugs done at the right caring attitude and accompanied by nice caring words almost always lead to some coser activities. However, I must say the activities must be gentle and continue the care attitude. 

Need to add that after a fight or disagreement we both usually conclude with sex but not gentle type, more energetic and rough, followed by apologies from both sides for whatever it was that caused the disagreement of fight. In this case, even the hugs are tighter and longer. 

So two different triggers and two different results but from an outsider the result looks the same.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i must be part female because i'm not ready for sex on a bad day.

maybe you just have to do it, bad day or not. on the other hand, sex just doesn't sound appealing to me when i'm not in the mood.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> My W was listening to the radio, and the topic on differences b/w men and women (in regards to sex) came up. The female DJ used a bad day as an example. A man comes home from a bad day, the W says lets go upstairs, and his clothes are off before she even finishes the sentence. Now switch roles, woman comes home from a bad day, H says lets go upstairs, W looks at him like he is crazy, why would she even want to do that now.
> 
> Now, I know this is a bit of a generalization, but I do believe there is some truth to this. I could have the crappiest of days, and honestly the one thing my W could do to make me feel better, **** me  On the other hand, my W could have the crappiest day, and what would make her feel better would be me listening to her, showing support. So in my mind, if my W has a bad day, my natural inclination is to make her feel better via sex when that is probably not what she needs. In my Ws mind, if I have a bad day, her natural inclination is to want to talk things out with me, which does zip for me.
> 
> How accurate do you folks find this for yourselves and your SO?


It USED to be accurate for us. Until, like you, we figured out that that aint it. It was the same with love languages.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

For me, what Steve Harvey said....."....it doesn't matter what the problem is....sex will fix it....."

My W used to like sex...40 years ago....


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Now of course, if my day was bad b/c of my W, then that would be a situation where I would have zero interest in getting it on. Bad day at work or other, I can easily separate out that part from being able to enjoy sex (I also very rarely get stressed out or get angry/bad mood, so I am sure that helps)


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> Now of course, if my day was bad b/c of my W, then that would be a situation where I would have zero interest in getting it on. Bad day at work or other, I can easily separate out that part from being able to enjoy sex (I also very rarely get stressed out or get angry/bad mood, so I am sure that helps)


Yup. Wife pisses me off and I am not going to be in the mood until it gets worked out. Mrs. C could care less about who is pissed at who because when she wants it, she wants it.


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## kimduhan (Feb 19, 2019)

sex is a good way to maked bad day better. i say it from own experience of course


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## jyotisharma2859 (Feb 12, 2019)

I think most people have the same situation as you said.


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## Resik2 (Mar 2, 2019)

You are spot on


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

If my husband has a bad day he likes to talk it out with me and basically do a data dump before any sexual soothing. If we jumped to the sex I wouldn’t know what was going on in his head. 

But boy does sex make a bad day better. Awhile ago I started to type a topic here because I was really upset about something that happened with my XH and his wife. Even after I talked with H about it I just couldn’t shake it. He asked me to stop stewing and come to bed with him. We had amazing sex and when he was snoring I went to let the dog out one last time and shut the house down. I looked at my phone and the post title I had started to write here - I literally could not recall what I was so upset about! Wow those brain chemicals are something. Yes, I did recall what upset me so much by the next morning, but then it seemed more like an irk than a problem, and definitely not post-worthy.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Sex is my happy place..... his too. So all the worries of the world go away for a little while when that bedroom door closes and the cuddling commences. 

But....our communication is awesome. We don't bicker or fight. We listen, we commiserate, we hash out solutions..... so even if it's been a bad day for either or both of us, it's usually better by the time we hit the sack. And sometimes, awesome sex brings out a bit more conversation.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'm the odd one, again. Sometimes I feel like Charlie Brown. When I had a bad day, I wasn't interested in sex. I suppose, if I had allowed myself to be cared for, it might have been different. I will never know.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i do not think it is a man vs woman thing.

Some people relax by having sex.
for others, it makes them more uptight.

YOU know who you are!


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## SkiLifer (Jun 3, 2018)

I'd agree with this as welk


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

kimduhan said:


> sex is a good way to maked bad day better. i say it from own experience of course


To borrow NS, TRU DAT!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talker67 said:


> i do not think it is a man vs woman thing.
> 
> Some people relax by having sex.
> for others, it makes them more uptight.
> ...


There is a psychology book I have that addresses this exact topic. It all go back to one's early experiences with sexual awakening and the results. Some people find it very enjoyable and quickly associate sexual feelings as something very soothing and enjoyable. Others first experience it as embarrassing and awkward and then go onto associate sexual feelings with anxiety and stress. 

The psychologist titled this part of the book, "When Somebody Yucks Your Yum!" The cliche is those grew up by being taught that sex is dirty, full of diseases, and will likely kill you. 

But in my opinion if you look at the number of people that still smoke cigarettes and enjoy it knowing that it is no longer socially accepted... that theory pretty much goes up in smoke! 

People just are who they are. If someone has a problem with that, research will always find you someone or something else to blame for it. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

badsanta said:


> There is a psychology book I have that addresses this exact topic. It all go back to one's early experiences with sexual awakening and the results. Some people find it very enjoyable and quickly associate sexual feelings as something very soothing and enjoyable. Others first experience it as embarrassing and awkward and then go onto associate sexual feelings with anxiety and stress.
> 
> The psychologist titled this part of the book, "When Somebody Yucks Your Yum!" The cliche is those grew up by being taught that sex is dirty, full of diseases, and will likely kill you.
> 
> ...


Aww,

Don't make me think about my early sexual experiences. 

Well, ok, they were pretty good. 

A bit young, used as experiment by older neighbor girl as she wanted to practice, as I realized when my kids were older, but other than that, even that, I don't believe I'd change anything. 

She was what we'd call a real looker. Her soon to be boyfriend who could drive didn't know a thing.

So ok.

I'm on the sex would be good, on a bad day, side.

😉😉😉


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

What you say is true in our case. 

The problem is that I understand this but she doesn't. I don't try to have sex with my wife when she is in a bad mood. I know that would be disaster. 

But she has no idea (or maybe doesn't care) that when things aren't going great for me, sex would help. I think the problem is that sex helps whether I have a good day, bad day or in-between day. 

It is like this with many things. I can understand the differences between men and women and appreciate them. I still screw up, but I understand them. My wife may understand them, but her goal is to make me female. Not to show understanding that I am different.


Reminds me of many years ago when I received a phone call that my father had passed away. The call was early in the morning. My wife and I had a cry and a cuddle and we ended up making love. My memory of it is good. That it made us close and it helped me with the grief. 

A few years later, my wife was visiting her father when he was dying of cancer. We would talk on the phone each night. She was going through a tough time, but on the phone we would talk about the kids and what was going on. I remember trying to lighten her mood with stories about what was going on. At one point, I mentioned how I missed her and could hardly wait until she is home so I can 'see her in the new lingerie that she had bought'. That was a big mistake. I still hear about how I was such a pig and all I could think about when her father was dying was getting laid.


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## INTJwife_11 (Oct 9, 2017)

It’s the opposite in my marriage. I could have a go after a bad day just to lighten things up. My husband on the other hand typically doesn’t want sex when he’s having a bad day. He wants to cuddle instead. I can skip cuddles on my bad days! However, when I’ve had an annoying day that’s also been very energy draining (due to people around me), things are different because I find I have nothing more to give when I get home.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, to your thread poser.

Me? I can shift bad mood gears lickety-split.

Uh, did I just write that?





[THM]- The Typist I


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Never happened to me... :laugh::laugh:


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SadSamIAm said:


> What you say is true in our case.
> 
> The problem is that I understand this but she doesn't. I don't try to have sex with my wife when she is in a bad mood. I know that would be disaster.
> 
> ...


 The difference between those 2 experiences seems obvious to me. Common grief vs a sexy lingerie comment from far away. I get it her PoV.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

It's a funny generalization and probably true for most. Doesn't work for me. But I don't want to talk about a bad day either. When I have a **** day, I turn to my natural instincts which is solitude. We have clashed over this before many times. Sometimes, its a crap week. I come home and like a teenager I shut myself in a room somewhere. When someone comes in, I'll talk for 5 seconds, then I retreat to another room trying to just be alone. Sometimes, its out in the garage cause nobody follows me out there. When you spend a week trying to avoid everyone, it obviously gets under my wife's skin. At least, it used to a lot more. She's come to grips with how I deal with things. She starts suggesting I go for a backpacking trip to get away for a few days if the funk lasts longer than a couple of days. Nothing like not seeing another human for 4-5 days to refresh my soul. 

When we were young, as in teenagers, I told her I wanted to be a hermit when I grow up. She always thought it was funny back then. She didn't realize how serious I was being. Obviously this dream has changed, but i think for a long time I just had the wrong job for me. Paid well. But I don't know how a guy like me ended up in a profession that revolved around human interaction. I was decent enough at it. It wasn't something I loved. My current job, I'm alone all day. I'm left alone, not spoken to for 10 hours at a time while going through my workload. I speak to my supervisors for 30 seconds a day maybe. Otherwise, I'm left alone entirely. This is the type of work I've always wanted! As long as you are efficient and accurate, nobody says **** to you all day except at the end of your shift "good job again today. Have a good night" 

The upside besides actually loving my work is now its the opposite in that instead of spending all day around others and wanting to be alone when I get home, ive spent all day alone and I want to be around my family when I get home. Things have really worked out well with this new job.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I come home and like a teenager I shut myself in a room somewhere. When someone comes in, I'll talk for 5 seconds, then I retreat to another room trying to just be alone.


That's my teenager. She is such an introvert. She and I have struggled over the past year because I see her closing herself off in her room, not socializing and I want to "fix" it. I want her to talk about it. Finally, I have learned to adapt to her way and so now, I'll say "do you need to talk or do you need me to leave you alone?" and when she says "leave me alone" I don't take it personally. And eventually, she will come talk to me. 

Not the same as a spouse, but still, we all need to learn that we should be giving people what they need from us, not what we want to give.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> Not the same as a spouse, but still, we all need to learn that we should be giving people what they need from us, not what we want to give.



yes, but sometimes what they need is not what we should give them.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

In Absentia said:


> yes, but sometimes what they need is not what we should give them.


Of course, but those aren't the instances I was referencing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> Of course, but those aren't the instances I was referencing.


of course... it was a general remark... :smile2:


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> yes, but sometimes what they need is not what we should give them.


Hmmm. I don't follow. If I have an emotional need in my marriage, it would be nice to receive that. 

I can follow the logic of sometimes what they want is not what they need. But I don't follow you on what they need is not what we should give them. 

Help me out with this thought. Do you have an example?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Help me out with this thought. Do you have an example?




It really depends on the emotional need, doesn't it? Are all emotional needs legitimate?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> It really depends on the emotional need, doesn't it? Are all emotional needs legitimate?


Yes, thats why they are needs, not wants. Are all desires legitimate? No. Are all needs legitimate? Yes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Are all needs legitimate? Yes.


I disagree with this. But let's leave it here... :smile2:


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