# Mama's Boy-Should I Stay?



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Hi,
Well when I started dating my fiance I thought that I had found Mr. Right, that was until I came to discover that he was a huge mama's boy. I realized this upon moving in with him, his mom raised him and his sister as a single parent so they are all very close. So close in fact that he seems to make his mom the top priority in his day-to-day life. We hardly ever make decisions together as a couple first as his mother also seems to have the primary and deciding input on things such as this. Also whenever his mother needs something to be done he will just drop whatever he is doing at the time to go and assist her, even if "we" happen to be doing something together when she calls. The day I was in labour giving birth to our daughter he left me alone for four hours in the hospital while he took his mother around to do errands. Well, getting very frustrated with this whole situation and the neglect and disrespect I was being shown by the person who was supposed to be my future husband I left. I have now returned to my hometown in Canada, and he is still in the States. I really do love my fiance but I feel that until he establishes the appropriate boundaries between himself and his family that I will just continue to be an unhappy and extremely neglected wife. I know that he does love me and his daughter and has acknowledged his shortcomings but says that he does not want to be considered a bad son or brother and does not want his family to feel abandoned. I am not sure what to do at this point, because I want it to work out for my daughters sake but it just seems he will keep choosing them over me and the baby. Any advice?


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

OK, your post speaks to me because I was your fiance and my wife was in your shoes. The only difference is, she was not pregnant and we did not have a child together. I use to drop everything, if my mother called, even if my wife and I were doing something together. I use to break plans with her, if my mother wanted me to do something for her. Yes, he is very much a mommas boy. My wife and I got married. I guess she thought that, without saying that my mom was a problem, that magically after I said "I Do" I would turn all attention to her and away from my mother. She was wrong. My mom was in the wrong too. She would call just to get me to do something for her, that she could have done herself. She did this, just to show my wife that she, my mother, still had me more than my wife did. This caused a lot of arguments between my wife and I. I was just in the middle trying to make both people happy. I was blind to what my mother was doing. It was just plain jealousy for her. It took awhile for me to focus my attention on my wife more than my mother. I thought my wife was trying to get my mother out of my life completely. She told me that she would never ask me to give up my mother. I got into arguments with my mom once I figured out what she was doing. I told my mom not to call for help, just expecting me to jump at her request. I told her to ask me if my wife and I had any plans before she asked me to do anything. I know I should've told her that I was busy when she asked me to do something. I even told her this. I never told my mother that I knew what game she was playing. But, I finally got through to her and my wife no longer feels that I put my mother before her. I had to tell my mom no on multiple occassions. It was hard at first, but it got easier with time. My advice to you, is not to pressure your fiance about this. Sooner or later, he will figure out that you should be the #1 priority in his life if he is anything like me. It does take time, men have to figure things out for themselves. We like to solve problems. If you haven't made it completely known that this is a problem, then talk to him and tell him your concerns. Do what my wife did. Tell him that you don't want to erase his mother from his life, you just want to be his #1 priority. Then, give him some time to think about it. If he doesn't decide to do it, and you are not willing to live with that, then move on to someone else. But, it will take time for him to transition. And, you will have to be in his life to see the transition, or you'll never know that it has happened. The only question I think you need to ask yourself, is are you willing to be with him and give him the time to transition, once he makes the decision to put you 1st.

Anyways, those are my 2 cents for whatever their worth. Best of luck to you whatever your decision.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

That is a r eally intersting perspective, I was not anticipating hearing the viewpoint of someone in a similar situation but at the opposite end of things. How long did it take you to realize that your mother was doing these things with the intent of alienating your wife? I am no longer living with my fiance but part of the problem I feel there was/is, is that he still lives right next door from his mother and just a few doors down from his sister's apartment. I feel that his mom and sister can be very manipulative people and use guilt and being needy as a means to control my fiance. It seems like until my fiance really creates some boundaries between himself and his family, and that may have to include some geographical boundaries (ie. not living right next to them) that our relationship will coninute to be sabotaged by them. I do feel that his involvment with them was in excess because on a typical day I would see him for maybe one hour at the most, we hardly ever got to spend time together as he would almost always be off doing something for his mother or sister. Now, I am not one to judge or to complain but his mother and sister are both adults, the sister is married and has her own husband, and they are not handicapped in any way shape or form. I do not understand how it is reasonable for them to continue to depend so heavily on their son/brother when he now has his own family to take care of. I can't help but to feel abandoned. I am not sure how long it will take him to come to this realization on his own as you did, but I feel that I just cannot keep waiting around in that same situation for results. I came back to Canada as I do not have any legal ability to work or go to school in the States. Also, I have no family other than him there and being a new mother with virtually no support or real presence from him is extremely difficult. As I said before I would really only see him at the most an hour each day since he would always be attending to either his mother or sister. I just don't know what more I could give up for him, because I am not willing to place myself back into the same situation.


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

The fact that you left and he has not followed speaks volumes. I'm sorry to say, but he's clearly not willing to change, if having his fiancee and child leave him has not been enough of a wake up call for him. I say move on. If he catches up, then you can work on reconciling then, but I wouldn't wait around for him and I certainly wouldn't go back to that situation.

While some (like the previous poster) see the light eventually, a lot more won't see it and will continue in co-dependent dysfucntional relationships with their families that disrupt their marriage.

Get a job, go to school, raise your child, live your life. He knows where to find you if he decides to make you a priority.


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

My mom and I weren't very close in my younger years. Then, she divorced my father and to me my father was everything. I treated my mom like crap because she took my dad away. Later, her and my dad reconciled and remarried. As I got a little older, I realized what I had put my mom through and was ashamed of it, so I apologized to her. This event in my life brought me and my mom closer together. Not to mention, we are carbon copies of each other. 

Maybe your fiance had a similar tragedy in his life that brought him closer to his mother and sister. I would guess that something tragic did happen to them. I would also guess that you both come from different family backgrounds. My wife and I definately had different upbringings. I was raised in a family oriented environment where family came first. She was raised by her grandmother and had a mother who hated the fact that my wife was ever born. She even told her on multiple occassions that she never wished she was born, that she hated her, that she would never amount to anything, and that no one would ever love her. These are some of the issues that we are working through right now. But, that's a different story. My point is that I had a hard time transitioning from my mother and family to my wife. The problem was, that I had spent most of my life with my family and didn't have my priorities straight. My wife pushed me on the issue and it drove me further away from facing it. She didn't understand why I was so loyal to my family, because she didn't have the same type of family. But, she was right that she should be my first priority

I would advise you not to push him, just as I said before. I would make the concerns known and what you expect from him. If he isn't willing to cut the embillical cord, then I would move on. I know it's hard to do. But, it gets easier with every passing day. If he loves and cares about you and your child, he will make the right decision. I would make it known to him too, that you are not going to wait around forever. Maybe even give him a date that you are going to start moving on. If he cares, this will force him to deal with it. I would make it a realistic date, like a month from when you tell him. If he hasn't made a decision by then, I would start moving on. There's no point in you pining over someone that chooses their mother and sister over their wife and child. 

And, I agree with MsLady. I am probably the exception to the rule. There are a lot of people out there that won't make the right decision. You need to prepare yourself for your fiance not choosing you over his mother and sister. Women today are very powerful and independent. I am sure you will make it if you have to do it on your own. It will be a little of a struggle. But, successes are sweeter when the work is harder.

I wish you all the best and hope that it all works out for the best for you and your child.


----------



## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

my father died when I was 1 and I was basically raised by my mother and 3 sisters until she remarried when I was 14.

even after all that I did not turn out to be a mamma's boy, I was the "man of the house" certainly and did every chore under the sun, but my mother never controlled me matter of fact she wanted me to have my idependence.

but this...


> The day I was in labour giving birth to our daughter he left me alone for four hours in the hospital while he took his mother around to do errands.


Is CERTAINLY a deal breaker....I would be done and gone....

no way in the world I would miss my wife giving birth to our child....Completely unacceptable.

His mother should be ashamed of herself, so should his sister.

It's a complex she has, she is in love with her son who reminds her of his father....it's sad but true.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

To RestlessInGeorgia,
I guess the tragic event that would have brought him, his mother and his sister together was that when he was about 12 or 13 years old his mother was diagnosed with cancer. At the time they thought her cancer would be terminal but fortunately she was able to pull through and beat it and it has not come back since. Also, his mother was never married due to over-involvement from her mother (my fiance's grandmother) and him and his sister both have different fathers. I know that my fiance's mother was very hurt when his sister got married and moved away from her emotionally. I think that she is afraid from her son too moving away from her upon becomig married and is trying to hold onto him in any way he can. Even though she is very over-involved with him I do not really see her as being the real problem, rather than my fiance's innability to stand up to her and to start making decisions as an adult.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

And as for his sister, I know that she is very posessive and jealous when it comes to her brother's attention. I am coming closer and closer to the realization that I will be on my own, not that I am really surprised. It just hurts that the person who supposedly loves me and wants to be my husband will never make the decison to put me first before his family. It makes me sad, but really there is nothing else I could do about it. I have made all my concerns known to him so now the future of our relationship really will be based on the choices he wants to make.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

I feel like our relationship is ending and I am so scared & not knowing what to do. I feel so sad that the person I was supposed to spend my life with keeps shoving me to the side, I do not know how to get through this crisis. Help.....


----------



## Tawny Somers (Oct 31, 2008)

> he does not want to be considered a bad son or brother and does not want his family to feel abandoned.


Your man is ignorant. He doesn't realize his "family" is you, and your child. Be grateful you didn't marry this loser. He is overly emmeshed with his family of origin....he will be like this, the rest of his life.

If he was going to change, he would've done so when you moved away.

Make a better, decent life for you and your child. He isn't mature enough to even be a husband, much less a father!


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

I do suppose you are correct in saying so. In talking to my father, I have been told things along the same line-that at some point my fiance will have to grow up and realize things. I am just working on going day-to-day and not getting too overwhelmed by the situation. I am thankful to have my family's support, they all seem to think that I have made the right decision for me and the baby and that I cannot continue to uproot myself for someone who is not willing to change or honour their responsibilities.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Jessica5971 said:


> I do suppose you are correct in saying so. In talking to my father, I have been told things along the same line-that at some point my fiance will have to grow up and realize things. I am just working on going day-to-day and not getting too overwhelmed by the situation. I am thankful to have my family's support, they all seem to think that I have made the right decision for me and the baby and that I cannot continue to uproot myself for someone who is not willing to change or honour their responsibilities.


Your family support will prove invaluable at this time. I am glad to hear that you have them there for you. One day at a time is a great approach because we are never guaranteed tomorrow and worrying won't change anything. I wish you all the best!


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Yes, taking one day at a time has been working for me. Just trying not to over complicate the situation and also sticking to my principles and not backtracking on any of my decisions. This whole situation has really been teaching me alot about my fiance. Right now I feel that he is afraid of change and is really not mature enough to be a husband at this point. He is still a child who wants to make his mother happy at all cost, even to the point of excluding me and our daughter. I have no patience for that anymore. 
To add to the complex nature of the situation, his mother and sister always use him as a pawn whenever they two get into an argument and are very jealous of his attention. I just can't put up with it anymore. 
My family has offered to help him out with finishing his schooling here by allowing him to stay here with free accomodations and without having to worry about any other major expenses. He continually refuses the offer in saying that it will make things too financially tight for his family and for him to move abroad for any period of time would be really hard on them. Well, the way things are going with the economy things will be tight regardless of what we all do. I just don't understand why he would not want to take the time now to invest in his education while he has the opportunity and then in 3 or 4 years when he has finished he will be able to take care of all of his responsibilites very readily. Instead he opt on working low paying jobs for the rest of his life just so he can be close to his mom and sister and be there for them emotionally.
I am pretty much just done with the relationship. Unless a miracle is to happen I would have to say good riddance!


----------



## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

Time for a reality check, to make it quite clear the future he's establishing right now, and incentive for him to change his ways.

He will be 50 years old, still being a mama's boy, no wife, no children to speak of, at least none that call him dad, his mother will have passed away leaving him to fend for himself "finally", and he will be alone and royally screwed up his life because he did not listen to you, nor step up to the plate and face responsiblity and get some "real" priorities.

You married a child, make it clear to him, you want a man, that life is too short for these games and make it very clear to him, that you are moving on in all ways including shutting down all contact with him and he can forget contact with his daughter, for you would rather she call someone more worthy "dad"...and someone worthy for you to call your husband.

It's a tough love approach, and hopefully it will jolt him into finally taking action, otherwise, his fate is sealed and he has absolutely nothing to look forward to with his life, and most of all, he's losing everything. It's going to be a matter of him making a choice, and if he cannot make the right one, you are better off with out him, plain and simple.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Good advice, I will try to take more of that approach.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Would it be appropriate just to give an ultimatum in this instance? If so what would be the most appropriate and fair way of doing so?


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Also, I am trying to figure out by analysing what has already transpired between us. For somebody who says that he loves/loved me, how much of that do you think is actually true? I am starting to doubt whether he actually did or not? Any insight is much appreciated.


----------



## Jessica5971 (Dec 8, 2008)

Well, good news. He has begun to clearly see the error in his ways and has began to acknowledge things and begin to take some primary steps in changing this. We are slowly moving forward one step-at-a-time and beginning to examine the things that are missing in order to have a successful relationship. I will keep you posted as things unfold.


----------



## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Jessica5971 said:


> Well, good news. He has begun to clearly see the error in his ways and has began to acknowledge things and begin to take some primary steps in changing this. We are slowly moving forward one step-at-a-time and beginning to examine the things that are missing in order to have a successful relationship. I will keep you posted as things unfold.


Good to hear! Best wishes to you in 2009!


----------

