# Looking for advice on male moodyness



## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Hi my son is a great husband and loves his wife and respects her , he is always saying how lucky he is . However about every few months or so he folds his arms, frowns and then proceeds to tell her that her tatoos disgust him even the one she had done of his name , she had tatoos when she met him and he didn't mind. He makes her feel degraded and puts her down in a brutal way , I know this is not how he feels generaly so why do it?? Any answers on why he does this and how is he feeling when the moods hit.

His wife called me in tears the other day telling me about it and not knowing what to do.

His dad was very much the same and did this to me but for long periods , months on end. He did not grow up with his dad to witness this as we split when he was four and dad did not bother to see the children, until 5 years ago when he got ill and died. My other son does not do this . Is it in his blood ??


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think it's odd that he would say such awful things about something she all ready had when he met her. :scratchhead:

If he does not wish her to get more, then I would hope she would take that into consideration and not deliberately do things she knows he doesn't like.

It sounds like he is trying to lower her self esteem. 

Can you tell him that he should not treat his wife that way?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I think it's odd that he would say such awful things about something she all ready had when he met her. :scratchhead:
> 
> If he does not wish her to get more, then I would hope she would take that into consideration and not deliberately do things she knows he doesn't like.
> 
> ...


Just discussed this with counselor. My H is similar. Abandoned at 4 (like my H) has consequences. They fear abandonment and while they love their women, they are scared when things are too good, they don't deserve it and they will be left again. They intentionally push away with anger to protect themselves. How to fix it? Not there yet in counseling!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Thanyou very much , she does not do things to annoy him but she did want to get one tatoo covered up , and yes he is very scarred of loosing her . So you have hit the nail on the head , funny thing to do is to be mean if you want it to last ..... :rofl:


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Thinking about it reminds me of something my wife's therapist has said in the past. My wife is bipolar, but the therapist was talking about our son's teenage issues and said that most mood disorders operate on a sliding scale. Seems that the behavior you describe tended to run in the men in my wife's family, and the therapist was trying to say that while it may not be a disorder that is diagnosable, we all have degrees of mood disorders within, and some have enough that it is very obvious.

If we are honest with ourselves, we'll admit that some people still equate body art as suggestive of a certain lifestyle. Your son probably knows better, but he's aware of these connotations. Seems like he needs to work with a therapist, but he's likely either using it against her in anger, knowing these connotations, or fear, because he is afraid that she is like this deep down. 

Since you are posting in the Men's Clubhouse, I assume you want to know if men have a unique take on your son's behavior. The more common snarky behavior that comes along with some relationships is less likely to go this deeply personal. It occurs when a guy gets angry that she keeps forgetting to record a transaction in the checkbook register, for instance, but he's got real problems if it stays personal. If he dwells on tatoos, or tells her often that she dresses like a tramp, then this is not your typical snarky guy talk.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Here is this man’s advice: 1) Never ever side with your son’s wife against your son. That is extremely disloyal. Your son was already abandoned as a 4 year old by his father. Do not do now as his mother do the same thing to him now he is an adult. 2) Do not ever visit the sins of his father on your son. Never ever do that. 3) When you DIL calls you never ever get involved with her problems with her husband. Never ever get involved. If you truly want to help her tell her you will pay for 10 sessions of MC and/or recommend they attend a Marriage Enrichment Program. Be really useful, research MEPs, let her know what the different types are and where they are held in her area along with contact details etc.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Here is this man’s advice: 1) Never ever side with your son’s wife against your son. That is extremely disloyal. Your son was already abandoned as a 4 year old by his father. Do not do now as his mother do the same thing to him now he is an adult. 2) Do not ever visit the sins of his father on your son. Never ever do that. 3) When you DIL calls you never ever get involved with her problems with her husband. Never ever get involved. If you truly want to help her tell her you will pay for 10 sessions of MC and/or recommend they attend a Marriage Enrichment Program. Be really useful, research MEPs, let her know what the different types are and where they are held in her area along with contact details etc.


No I never take my DIL side over him , I never mention what he has done as it's their business, and you never know the full story, if I offered to pay for councilling he would hate the fact I knew anything about it. He is an adult I do my best to support not to criticize , he is my son and even though I love then both I would never interfere , I just wondered what goes through a man's mind when they are being moody and was looking for a phycological way to help change his train of thought x


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

You are taking your DIL’s side! You are putting your son’s moods (if indeed that’s what they are!) down solely to him. Of course NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOUR DIL DOES!

You cannot help them You are far too close to them to be of any help and there’s way too much history with you. Please understand that.

It sounds like you have secrets from your son between you and your DIL. What if he found out about those? What if your DIL tells your son? Where will you stand then with your son? You will lose his respect for you and you will lose your credibility and integrity with him. And he will feel betrayed by you.

My son’s ex wife tries the secrets thing with me, even forwarding emails he sent to her. But I tell her my relationship with my Son is of Paramount Importance to me and I will do nothing to compromise that and to never tell me things she doesn’t want my son to know.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

AFEH said:


> You cannot help them You are far too close to them to be of any help and there’s way too much history with you. Please understand that.
> 
> My son’s ex wife tries the secrets thing with me, even forwarding emails he sent to her. But I tell her my relationship with my Son is of Paramount Importance to me and I will do nothing to compromise that and to never tell me things she doesn’t want my son to know.


I agree with this. The big issue is that his dad did this to YOU so of course you are sensitive to it which is why you are siding with the DIL. You get what she's going through but in this situation it's not a good thing.

I've read dozens of parenting books and they all agree. Do NOT get in the middle of your grown kids marriage. Ever. When my kids get married I'm going to have AFEH's boundary. I will REFUSE to hear one bad thing, secrets or anything else that I shouldn't hear about my kids from their spouses. I will shut them down immediately. Yes they need to vent but not to me. Find someone else. I'm too close.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

^ I think for some mothers that don’t have daughters, the DIL becomes their “daughter”. I have empathy with that, can understand it. But on a few occasions I had to remind my wife where her heart “should” lay wrt our son. Some think it’s a “girlie thing” whereas mothers in these respects can do a great deal of damage to their son’s marriages and to their relationship with their son.

The temptation to help out, or interfere, can at times be massive but it is much better left alone or to suggest MC or a few good books.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

AFEH said:


> You are taking your DIL’s side! You are putting your son’s moods (if indeed that’s what they are!) down solely to him. Of course NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT YOUR DIL DOES!
> 
> You cannot help them You are far too close to them to be of any help and there’s way too much history with you. Please understand that.
> 
> ...


Sorry but I feel you are confusing your own issues with mine, I cannot ignore a phone call from DIL nor interfere, I feel that she may wind him up sometimes also I do not tell either of them they are in the wrong, I support both , sometimes he will speak to me about things and I will give advice if he needs it , what's wrong with an elder in the family giving advice , just because i'm his mother , yes some mothers will favour, some will not , i am neutral , I have had moody men ruin relationships and I know he does not want to lose his , I am writing on here to ask in general about moodyness and why men do this , ignore , silent treatment, or nasty stuff when they clearly love the person they are with is it because they take women for granted?? ie she will just put up with it , this is purely a general question rather than one about my son ,


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

kendra2705 said:


> Sorry but I feel you are confusing your own issues with mine, I cannot ignore a phone call from DIL nor interfere, I feel that she may wind him up sometimes also I do not tell either of them they are in the wrong, I support both , sometimes he will speak to me about things and I will give advice if he needs it , what's wrong with an elder in the family giving advice , just because i'm his mother , yes some mothers will favour, some will not , i am neutral , I have had moody men ruin relationships and I know he does not want to lose his , I am writing on here to ask in general about moodyness and why men do this , ignore , silent treatment, or nasty stuff when they clearly love the person they are with is it because they take women for granted?? ie she will just put up with it , this is purely a general question rather than one about my son ,


Actually my therapist told me to speak about H to his father. I got good background on his past and someone who loves him to help me understand. I'm not bashing him to his dad, I truly want to understand. Some of what your son does to his wife could be verbally abusive and DIL does need support. There is a difference between bashing and talking. I don't see the difference between 'enlisting extended family' during exposure of an affair or asking for help in a situation with a borderline abusive spouse. Either marriage difficulties are extended family's business or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

kendra2705 said:


> Sorry but I feel you are confusing your own issues with mine, I cannot ignore a phone call from DIL nor interfere, I feel that she may wind him up sometimes also I do not tell either of them they are in the wrong, I support both , sometimes he will speak to me about things and I will give advice if he needs it , what's wrong with an elder in the family giving advice , just because i'm his mother , yes some mothers will favour, some will not , i am neutral , I have had moody men ruin relationships and I know he does not want to lose his , I am writing on here to ask in general about moodyness and why men do this , ignore , silent treatment, or nasty stuff when they clearly love the person they are with is it because they take women for granted?? ie she will just put up with it , this is purely a general question rather than one about my son ,


Men have emotions. We experience happiness, joy, sadness, pain, success, failure, stress, optimism, pessimism, anger, empathy, compassion, pity, sympathy. You name it, we experience it. Kind of makes us human. As do our moods.

Thing is to find out what it is that makes him moody, sad or whatever the reason is for his “mood”. It will typically be because he has an obstacle in front of him that he can’t see a way through, around, over or under. A problem he cannot solve, that he cannot find a solution to. What is that obstacle? And will he tell you? Or wont he tell you because you are his wife’s confident? Does his wife even know? Or is she like you just blaming it on the man’s mood?

To deny a man his emotions, in this case his mood, is to deny the man himself. As though he doesn’t exist. That why I say and I repeat it, you are too close to the problem. Just because his father had moods it doesn’t mean his son is having moods for the same reason. And I still say you are taking your DIL side because you have your son “at fault”.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

I take on board what you are saying but to be totally honest with you , it was just a general question , I NEVER interfere or say a word when either one confides in me which is very rare, but am there for them , My son will never come second to anyone, just because his dad was moody it does not mean he is the same , I hate the fact he gets like it because he must be hurting inside for some reason, he has done this from very young not just in his marriage , My question was really why do men go into moods, I am not moody so I just don't understand it , if there is an argument then its warrented if someone goes quiet and doesn not want to speak, but when it comes from no where for no reason I do not understand , if it is happening to my son I am worried there is something upsetting him etc...


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

To me you are just about, nearly in absolute denial about what your initial post was all about! Sorry, I just cannot deal with that so I can’t help you other than with what I said in my first post.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

kendra2705 said:


> My question was really why do men go into moods, I am not moody so I just don't understand it ,


Some people are moody. It's not just men. If you don't understand it then how on earth do you think you can fix it? I used to be moody and the LAST thing I wanted was anyone telling me how I should feel.

Your son has a right to feel anyway he pleases. Even if you find it distasteful.


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

Sorry but what do you mean used to be ?? surely you are a moody person or not , if not now what's changed or is it that people around you just don't put up with it anymore ??


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## kendra2705 (Oct 31, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Just discussed this with counselor. My H is similar. Abandoned at 4 (like my H) has consequences. They fear abandonment and while they love their women, they are scared when things are too good, they don't deserve it and they will be left again. They intentionally push away with anger to protect themselves. How to fix it? Not there yet in counseling!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think this is the most informative answer , thankyou, 

I think we will leave it there


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

kendra2705 said:


> Sorry but what do you mean used to be ?? surely you are a moody person or not , if not now what's changed or is it that people around you just don't put up with it anymore ??


3 rounds of therapy, 100's of self help books, soul searching, a lot of hard work and an extremely strong will to change. I'm proud to say I'm no longer moody.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't care if his wife or girlfriend just won the Angelina Jolie Humanitarian of the Century Award. You hurt my baby I will destroy you. I don't want to hear what you say he did. Shut up.


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