# Am I being respected ... is there a simple test?



## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Hi, Newbie here

Got more than a few issues floating around right now but am trying to take them one at a time. 

I keep finding myself thinking H isn't respecting me, but then he's a good guy and treats me well, so how could that be?

Any thoughts on a "keep it simple stoopid" test, a way to make sure you arent the one being disrespetful by even suggesting it?


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

How Can You Tell When A Husband Respects His Wife???

*He Will Not Make Big Decisions Without You...*
When it comes to making important decisions in your lives, he will not decide for you, even if you consider him the head of the household, he won't leave you out. If it's something that affects you and your family, he will include you. This is what a marriage is, a partnership. If he cares about your opinion and your point of view, he respects you.

*He Will Acknowledge Your Presence...*
He will take time for you when he enters, and he will take time for you when he leaves. It might be just a few words, a smile or a kiss, but even if he's had a rough day, he will make a point of giving you a thoughtful gesture. If he notices you and acknowledges you, and makes you feel important to him, he respects you.

*He Will Make Time To Listen To You...*
It's easy to get carried away with work, chores and the daily routine, but even if your schedules are busy, he will make sure to spend enough quality time with you. This is his way of saying, "I'm here and I'm engaged". If he listens to you when you share your thoughts and feelings, he respects you.

*He Is Faithful, Physically and Emotionally...*
He will make you feel like you are the only person in the world he wants to be with. He will not flirt with other women when he's with you or without you. He understands that unfaithfulness is the most disrespectful thing that he can do to you. If he controls himself and stays true to your marriage vows, he respects you.

*He Will Keep His Promises...*
When he says he's going to do something, he does it, no matter how big or small it is. He values your trust, so when he tells you, he'll be there, he shows up. He will prove to you that he is dependable. If he is a man of his word, he respects you.

Hope This Helps


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

DD - Excellent post! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

YinPrincess said:


> DD - Excellent post!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks! :smthumbup:


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## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Many thanks DD, this has really helped pinpoint my mind to where the problems lie. Hes a busy guy and is pretty wiped when he gets home, the time to listen is certainly lacking but because he is wiped it seems unfair to "burden him". 

I think I have shelved too many concerns, trivial and important alike for too long, its all been bottled up and is backed up to what seems to be an unsurmountable load to deal with now, right when he just doesnt have the time or inclination. I want to be a good wife, look after his needs and mine, but they dont always mesh well.

The broken promises are another issue but its more forgetfulness, a change of mind or lack/loss of interest. We make a plan then he forgets or his interest waines. Once again, I try to be understanding but I sometimes diss my own needs in the process. If I dont it can lead to an argument. 

You cant demand something of someone who no longer has an interest to give it but then what of your own needs?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

DD I agree, this was awesome!!!

Makes me appreciate my honey that much more... all the boxes are checked when it comes to him.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *kiss said:* You cant demand something of someone who no longer has an interest to give it but then what of your own needs?


I'm of the opinion that if your husband loves and respects you, then he'd be willing to do things with you because it makes YOU happy. He's not self serving only, but giving in a way that you appreciate. 

It shouldn't only be about him getting something out of it. You don't operate that way (at least it doesn't sound like it), but he's not on the same page.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

kiss said:


> Many thanks DD, this has really helped pinpoint my mind to where the problems lie. Hes a busy guy and is pretty wiped when he gets home, the time to listen is certainly lacking but because he is wiped it seems unfair to "burden him".
> 
> I think I have shelved too many concerns, trivial and important alike for too long, its all been bottled up and is backed up to what seems to be an unsurmountable load to deal with now, right when he just doesnt have the time or inclination. I want to be a good wife, look after his needs and mine, but they dont always mesh well.
> 
> ...


Glad to be of help kiss...
You are now armed and dangerous and packing the knowledge you need 
to move forward in your relationship...Good Luck! :smthumbup:


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> DD I agree, this was awesome!!!
> 
> Makes me appreciate my honey that much more... all the boxes are checked when it comes to him.


Thank You ABM! I'll be here all week! :smthumbup:


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

DD, you are the greatest. Not to hijack this thread, but do you have a list for the respectful wife?


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> DD, you are the greatest. Not to hijack this thread, but do you have a list for the respectful wife?


*HERE YOU GO, A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE GUYS...ENJOY!*

HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A WIFE RESPECTS HER HUSBAND???

*She Will Take An Interest In What He Does...*
Whether it's a hobby, a sports activity, or even his job, she will ask questions about it, even if she thinks it's boring! She buys books, she knows he would enjoy, she wants to bond and make a connection with him. 
If she takes time to understand what brings you joy, she respects you.

*She Will Compliment Him...*
She will look for the one thing he does right daily and tell him about it. She will lift his spirits and tell him how handsome he looks, how funny his jokes are, and how he is such a wonderful dad. If she gives you a compliment that comes from the heart, she respects you.

*She Will Never Disrespect Him In Front Of The Children...*
She realizes the kids need to see mom and dad as a team, so when an argument is unavoidable, she will ask him, "Can I talk to you alone?" She will never belittle him in front of the kids, because she knows that children will follow their parents lead. If you have a disagreement in front of the children, and she wants to talk to you in private, she respects you.

*She Won't Criticize Every Mistake He Makes...*
She won't make him feel like a child and nag him all the time. She understands she has a right to her opinion, she just makes sure it's an opinion worth sharing. She won't take a critical approach to every screw up, and she lets the minor ones go. If she doesn't sweat the small stuff, she respects you.

*She Will Relax And Let Him Do It...*
Since many women are stressed with the dual responsibilities of bringing home the bacon from a job and cooking it up, when he offers to do something around the house, she'll let him. Even if he doesn't do it exactly the way she wants, she doesn't tell him it's wrong, she just accepts it as different. She's not afraid to ask for help, when she needs to relax and unwind. If she lets you take on more responsibilities, she respects you.

There you go guys! :smthumbup:


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## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Cool, another great list DD!!


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## duncaterro (Dec 13, 2012)

I think I have shelved too many concerns, trivial and important alike for too long


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## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

So just to go a bit further on this, would it be considered disrespectful to show little interest in a 15th wedding anniversary? 

I had treated the day special but although we had arranged an outing together and he was pleasant company he was obviously just not into it. When I asked later why the lack of interest he says its just not important to him, and as he was being honest in telling me how he feels I should accept that. I told him I was very hurt by his indifference to what I consider to be a special day. His response then was to offer to treat it special "for me" because I am important to him, but the day isnt. 

It seems respectful with the honesty and all but it just feels a bit off somewhere.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

kiss said:


> So just to go a bit further on this, would it be considered disrespectful to show little interest in a 15th wedding anniversary?
> 
> I had treated the day special but although we had arranged an outing together and he was pleasant company he was obviously just not into it. When I asked later why the lack of interest he says its just not important to him, and as he was being honest in telling me how he feels I should accept that. I told him I was very hurt by his indifference to what I consider to be a special day. His response then was to offer to treat it special "for me" because I am important to him, but the day isnt.
> 
> It seems respectful with the honesty and all but it just feels a bit off somewhere.


IMHO, YES!!!, it's very disrespectful to show little interest in your wedding Anniversary, no matter how many years you've been married! It's one thing to forget an Anniversary, but to be there and not be into it, is something completely different.

As a guy, I can tell you that an Anniversary should be the ULTIMATE DAY to show your W just how much you really care about her. GUYS KNOW THIS!!! To say he cares about you but not the day he married you is very telling. How can you say you care about your W, and act indifferent when you celebrate the day you married her? That doesn't make sense.

Like you said, at least he was honest, but his response about "treating it special for you", still sounds a little strange. You're right, something is definitely off here. He's not telling you everything. As men, we are not very good at expressing our true feelings. There are some guys who want to tell you how unhappy they are about something, but they try to find another way to tell you, without really telling you.

For example: "celebrating the day I married you is just not important to me..." :redcard:
*TRANSLATION:* "I'm not happy about something and I don't know how to tell you..."

and then this: "since you're important to me, I'll try to pretend this day is special..." :redcard:
*TRANSLATION:* "Look, I just want to get this over with, I'm still not happy, but I'll play along..."

He's not telling you everything, there's something else going on inside that head of his. It just depends on what you want to do at this point. You can accept his honest indifference and move along, or you can try to get him to open up a little more and find out what's really bothering him.

Good Luck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How the hell you come up with that list?

BTW:
This -> "He Will Not Make Big Decisions Without You..."
Is what started the whole seperation/divorce thing with my wife. Even though we seem to be better off seperated for now, never going to try that again, once is enough.

Good guidelines mate


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> How the hell you come up with that list?
> 
> BTW:
> This -> "He Will Not Make Big Decisions Without You..."
> ...


Did some research and read a few articles. I just wrote from the heart, what I felt like were the most important things to look for when it comes to respect in a marriage. Glad you liked it! :smthumbup:

It's good to hear that things are going better for you


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Well based on your two lists, he is very respectful to me and I am very respectful to him.

But I already knew that 

Thanks for the lists.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

Holland said:


> Well based on your two lists, he is very respectful to me and I am very respectful to him.
> 
> But I already knew that
> 
> Thanks for the lists.


Glad to hear it and you're welcome! :smthumbup:


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## kiss (Dec 12, 2012)

Once again DD appreciate your help. Its the first time Ive had validation on this that hasnt come from a biased friend. Its going to be tough getting to the bottom of this because so often its hard to fault his arguments other than just saying "no, thats just wrong". I have confidence in his love for me, I wish I knew whats going on.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Great list for the guys DD. :smthumbup:

I have to admit... that last one was the hardest for me to overcome. Took maybe 2 years into our marriage before I could just LET GO. But, in all fairness... I attribute my reluctance to the previous disappointments I had suffered with my ex husband. I had to get over it.


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

kiss said:


> Once again DD appreciate your help. Its the first time Ive had validation on this that hasnt come from a biased friend. Its going to be tough getting to the bottom of this because so often its hard to fault his arguments other than just saying "no, thats just wrong". I have confidence in his love for me, I wish I knew whats going on.


Women are usually more verbal than men, that's just a gender difference. Many husbands show their love thru their actions. Here's a couple of things you could try to get him to open up.

* Try to find a gentle and nurturing way to let him know his actions just aren't enough.

* Find a clear and respectful way to tell him how much the two of you need to communicate. 

* Make sure you take notice of anytime that he does make an effort to talk to you. Be kind and sincere, and let him know how much you appreciate him opening up to you.

* Look for any opportunity you have during a routine activity , like shopping or eating, 
and turn it into a conversation.

* Be patient and persistent. Try to keep a sense of humor when he starts to shutdown on you. 

Of course, these are just suggestions, I'm no expert on the matter, but a person doesn't need a PHD to have common sense. I hope you can find a way to get him to open up. He may have had something else on his mind that day, that had nothing to do with you. I'm sure he loves you, like you said, but it's going to take some work to get him to open up and share his feelings with you.

Good Luck! :smthumbup:


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## DedicatedDad (Nov 11, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Great list for the guys DD. :smthumbup:
> 
> I have to admit... that last one was the hardest for me to overcome. Took maybe 2 years into our marriage before I could just LET GO. But, in all fairness... I attribute my reluctance to the previous disappointments I had suffered with my ex husband. I had to get over it.


Thanks!
Sometimes it's hard to get rid of old baggage that we drag into a new relationship, but it sounds like you were able to get rid of it. 

Good Job! :smthumbup:


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

DedicatedDad said:


> Thanks!
> Sometimes it's hard to get rid of old baggage that we drag into a new relationship, but it sounds like you were able to get rid of it.
> 
> Good Job! :smthumbup:


Thanks! But yes, I was guilty of doing the Erykah Badu. 

Baaaaag Laaaady you gone hurt your back... dragging all them bags like that...

It took lots of trust (on my part) and consistency on his to get where we are.


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