# How To Handle Birthday Parties For Kids With Your Ex?



## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Well the first birthday party is coming up. I'm in a bind. I have a girlfriend and an ex. My ex wants me to have the party at my house. I do not want my ex, (well stbx), there.

It's not about us though, it's about my daughter. I know that but I kinda want to have part here and then she can go to her mothers for the other part.

It's just going to be awkward as hell.

She has a bf and he's not allowed in my home. He is not invited as I despise him, (he's the other man who she starting cheating on me with way back in the summer).

Do I just suck it up and deal with it? Anybody have any advice?


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

If you're not comfortable with her being there, then don't invite her.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

what i would do once that situation comes up, i would celebrate my son's bday on my own, and she can do whatever she wants, then again thats just me, i would rather celebrate my kid's bday with no tension or awkwardness


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yep. Just have two parties, kids love it and don't have to deal with the tension.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

How old is your daughter?
I agree if you don't want the ex and her bf in your house then don't do it. Daughter can have two parties. She'll love it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Isuck said:


> Well the first birthday party is coming up. I'm in a bind. I have a girlfriend and an ex. My ex wants me to have the party at my house. I do not want my ex, (well stbx), there.
> 
> *It's not about us though, it's about my daughter.* I know that but I kinda want to have part here and then she can go to her mothers for the other part.
> 
> ...


Do you truly believe this or is it just words?

I would have the party at your place with the ex there but no partners. Suck it up and keep it civil for your daughter.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't know your whole story, but this is the kind of thing that should be spelled out in a divorce agreement. 

My ex handles the 'big' birthday parties. I always have one with the kids when I have them as well.

I'm not the guy, to host a house full of little girls for a party for my daughter, my ex is really good at it, and enjoys it. So in the interest of my child's happiness, I usually leave the major parties to mum.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I never had an issue with bday parties and my exes. I would invite them and split the bill of the party.

We put aside our differences for one afternoon. Not a big deal. We're adults.

Leave the new partners at home though. At least until divorce is final. Seriously. Make it about the kid.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

If it's truly about your daughter ask her what she wants and where she wants it and then all the adults should attempt to be "adult" enough to get through a childs B-Day party without incident.

If I were your girlfriend or her OM I wouldn't want to step into that possible madness so that might not even be a problem.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I suggested the two party thing, no go. These aren't just words, I don't even know what that means to be honest? (to the person who asked that one...) Then I suggested she have it at her house and I'd have some cake or something here afterwards, (meaning we wouldn't have tension or awkwardness at my daughters bday), no go. (I guess that's two parties still though). So now I have to kick my gf out for the afternoon because my stbx is being a royal PIA?

This sucks.

My stbx is not letting up on the "let's fix things" b.s. Just two days ago she suggested we get back together again. (This is the second time she's done this). I think now her motives are to create stress in my new relationship, which is why two parties ain't gonna happen. My stbx seems to be trying to drive my GF and I apart. If my stbx is not happy then apparently I'm not allowed to be happy either. 

My stbx keeps asking me to sit down and talk to her. I don't want to. I don't care what she has to say as I don't believe her and I certainly don't trust her. We recently booked some counseling for the kids and apparently her and I have to go in for a session to give the counselor "background"? I don't really believe that but I have to go for my kids. I have a bad feeling it's a ploy to get me and her in front of a counselor. If it is that, I'm walking out. I'm hate wasting my time and energy on this person who hurt me so badly in the past. I have no use for her anymore.

If there were no kids involved I would never speak to my stbx again.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Isuck said:


> I suggested the two party thing, no go.
> 
> Then I suggested she have it at her house and I'd have some cake or something here afterwards, (meaning we wouldn't have tension or awkwardness at my daughters bday), no go.
> 
> ...


Did you speak with the STBX to make sure she's not stupid enough to bring OM?

Don't just assume.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

YES YOU DO.

Because it's about the child and what the child wants. the child probably doesn't want drama or your new gf there while you're still married.

Suck it up for your child. Seriously. If your gf doesn't understand, then she's selfish and drama.

Holy crap. I dont understand this. Is your gf THAT CLOSE to your kid already that she needs to be there? 

Kick her out for the day. Send her for a massage. It's not her child. You're not even divorced. Have the party with your STBX and kid and whomever...then that night, have cake and whatever with your gf if it's that big a deal for you.

Honestly, this is why kids get effed up in divorce, not the divorce itself, but silly shet like this.

Sorry to be a major beyotch, but dude. Seriously.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Did you speak with the STBX to make sure she's not stupid enough to bring OM?
> 
> Don't just assume.


FOR SURE.

NO new partners. It's a birthday party for god sake. For a KID.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I edited my response while you were typing I think?

Fark, this blows. It's not as easy as "hey can you like leave for the afternoon please?"


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Isuck said:


> I edited my response while you were typing I think?
> 
> Fark, this blows. It's not as easy as "hey can you like leave for the afternoon please?"


Actually it is.

I wouldn't have a problem with it if I were her and you came to and asked me...

"Hey, I haven't had any luck getting this party moved and my Ex is going to be here for my kids party.
Could you chill at the mall for lunch and an afternoon on me so my kid doesn't have to deal with the stress of it all at her own party?"

If your GF has a brain cell and an ounce of understanding I don't think you'll have a problem.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Honestly, you and your ex NEED to get someone else involved to sit between you as you learn to deal with your new realities, or you'll seriously mess up your daughter. It's not a trap that your counselor wants to see the two of you together... She probably wants to see how you two interact. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Isuck said:


> I edited my response while you were typing I think?
> 
> Fark, this blows. It's not as easy as "hey can you like leave for the afternoon please?"


Yes it is that easy. if your GF is half decent she will understand and it won't be an issue. If she cracks it then consider that a red flag for the future.

Totally agree with TG, it isn't even a year since you split, your child does not want your GF around. It is way too soon to have introduced her anyway.

Go to the counselling session, sounds like you need it.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Well my marriage was over for years before it was official. I do appreciate opinions, but they're just that.

Can someone point me to manual for this, specifically the one that states how much time has to pass for each phase of this? I can't seem to find it.

I went to counseling on my own when this all happened, my stbx would not even consider going with me. I did not get anything out of it as the counselor either wasn't very good at his job or just didn't feel like doing it right. (In other words I got very little out of it).

Guess I'm the a-hole once again. Yay!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No you're not the ahole again. There is no manual however as part of our post separation counselling and then IC it was suggested by all that new partners should not be introduced for at least 12 months to children.
It is not in the best interests of the children to meet new partners, they gain nothing from it and it can and often is detrimental to them.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I would just do your own thing separately; that's how we do it and it works. I think it would be so awkward that nobody would enjoy it together. It's much better apart.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Orginally I said, "no woman is going to meet my kids".

Then she moved her slimeball bf IN with her, 5 months after moving out of our home.

So I still said, "no woman is going to meet my kids".

Then one day it happened almost by accident. My oldest came downstairs later in the evening and my GF had come over. I hadn't planned it but it happened. Then she told her sisters who asked to meet her. IF I had a bad gut feeling about my GF I wouldn't have allowed it. But I have a good one and my gut is usually right. So that's how they met her.

For my stbx, apparently they were going on picnics and trips to the parks, (titled "playdates"), with that ********* and his two kids in the summer! Made me furious but I didn't find out until she had left.

Life throws you a lot of curveballs and you either deal with them and hit a homer or strike out.



Oh and the original plan was to have 2 parties on the same day. One with her mom, (my stbx) and friends from school, the second here at my home with family. (My family as her family lives far away). But that was changed on me and I was informed of the change the other day.


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## Sussieq (Apr 6, 2013)

Isuck said:


> Well the first birthday party is coming up. I'm in a bind. I have a girlfriend and an ex. My ex wants me to have the party at my house. I do not want my ex, (well stbx), there.
> 
> It's not about us though, it's about my daughter. I know that but I kinda want to have part here and then she can go to her mothers for the other part.
> 
> ...


I'd opt for having the party for my daughter with her mother there and no boyfriend/girlfriend. You can always have two parties but the two of you should be able to have a party without problems. It's called being mature.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

OP,

In the longer term it should be possible for EX partners to do things together for the benefit of their shared children but if you and your EX are not yet in that position then it will be harder.

With your STBX making continued noises about getting back together I can understand your reluctance to have her in your home even if only for the duration of your daughter’s party. 

Have you considered holding the party at a mutual venue? For little kids the soft play area or as they get a little older the local McD's or similar. I found with my children that as they got past 10 / 11 they would sooner take a few friends to the movies / pizza than have a party at home unless you have a pool and the weather to enjoy it.

As for how long to leave it before you introduce a new partner to your children I guess you have to play that by ear as there are just so many variables.

The age / maturity of your child.
The length of time since the split with the other parent.
The duration of your child’s visits.
The stage you are at in your new relationship.
The number / age of children that a new partner might have.
The personalities of all of those involved.

I do not think there can be a "one size fits all" amount of time that has to pass.

N.B. The only direct experience I have of this is as a teenage child being slowly introduce to my "to be" step mum and as an adult getting to know my MIL's new partner now husband.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

After I broke up with my ex, for the eldest's birthday, he organised a party at a soft play centre. Eldest child wanted everyone to be there. So we were. He was there with his girlfriend, it was his weekend with the children, so me and my then-boyfriend (now husband) came along.

It was a little awkward but child was happy and we just sat on separate tables. When it came to the food and birthday cake he took care of it as he'd organised the party, kids were happy and so we were happy.

Couldn't have done the parties-at-people's-houses at that point. The way we did it worked out well. Might be a thought? Escapes the whose house argument.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

OP, with all due respect you come across in your posts as a bit of a push over, please don't take that the wrong way,but the way you are talking it just sounds like you let life control you.
You are in control of your own life. Your ex cheated on you, put your foot down, why is she calling the shots? The two of you sit down with your child and ASK HER what she wants to do for the party and go with it. If she's too little to decide, then go for the 2 parties or the party in a designated soft play area. 
As others have said, it's not about you and your ex it's about your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

We had 2 separate parties for my oldest. There was no way I was allowing my ex to step foot in my home. He was and never will be welcome in my home ever. If he ever tries, the police will be called.


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

The problem I see is that your ex is trying to call the shots on what's going on in your house. This has nothing to do with the new GF or how she'll react. You can still have a joint birthday party at some public place. Why does it have to be your house? And where will you draw the line? Will she be allowed to tell you what foods to buy "in the interest of the child"?
If you had no reservations about this and this all came naturally to you, great. Doesn't sound like you do though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Isuck said:


> Oh and the original plan was to have 2 parties on the same day. One with her mom, (my stbx) and friends from school, the second here at my home with family. (My family as her family lives far away). But that was changed on me and I was informed of the change the other day.


Does your gf *live with you*? If so, she should not have to leave the house for the child's b'day party. 

And why not stick to the plan of 2 parties? What's the big deal? This is not about the X and what she wants, it's about your daughter and her happiness.

If you want to have a party for her with YOUR family, then do it. The X can't stop you.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

My GF doesn't officially live her, she has her own house but she stays here pretty much all the time now. She doesn't want to move in until my divorce is final. I understand that.

For having it here, my STBX says she asked my daughter what she wanted and my daughter said she wanted a party at Daddy's house.

I'm far from a push over as someone suggested. I feel like I cannot say what I really want at this point because the divorce waiting period is not over yet. If I lay into my STBX like I want to, she will come after me pretty hardcore and take me to the cleaners. So I'm trying to bite my tongue and be diplomatic to avoid that or reduce that as much as possible.

I still think the main goal of my STBX is to create tension in my new relationship. What she doesn't know is I do not hide anything from my GF, I even let her read all texts between myself my STBX. My GF appreciates this as she feels like it's bringing us even closer because she knows she can trust me. I do what I say and say what I do with her. I think the STBX is thinking that having it here will flood back some memories then maybe she can corner me into talking to her about things. That's not going to happen though.

I have 4 kids, so this is just the first one and I will learn from it and apply what I've learned to the next 3. I know if my STBX said she was having a party at her house, I would not go. I would have my own party before or after as I refuse to be in the same room as her slimeball BF. 

I don't want to be near him because I despise him and although I never would, the temptation to break his face open would be very strong.

I think the consensus is have two parties and I like that idea, (that was the original plan). The next 3 will be that way as this is not fun. Plus as an added bonus, my mother will be present and she's not happy with my STBX at all. My mother doesn't have a filter and I told her to keep quiet for the kids sake but I have a bad feeling it's going to be fireworks between her and my STBX.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Isuck said:


> Orginally I said, "no woman is going to meet my kids".
> 
> Then she moved her slimeball bf IN with her, 5 months after moving out of our home.
> 
> ...


Assert yourself.

This is a custody issue. You wife will bring the OM to your place no doubt. Your wife is trying to drive off your GF.


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

I agree, I should have put my foot down.

Next party is in July so I will then.

I can't change this one now as the invites have gone out and entertainment is booked. Plus my little one is looking forward and and excited about it.

Lesson learned.


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## Jntrs (Feb 13, 2013)

i got to agree with Isuck (got to change the name buddy lol) i would handle the situation the same way hes handling, i always said that i wouldnt let any woman meet my kid, but then again sometimes its out of your reach, last thing i want to do is confused my son, hes only 6 and he doesnt seem to get used the idea that i dont live there anymore, so for holidays and stuff, i'd do my own thing with him, which hes always more excited to hang out with me anyways


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## Isuck (Jul 1, 2012)

Just an update, the birthday went off better then I thought. STBX was here but it wasn't as tense as I thought it would be. It was odd having her and my GF in the same house but life is awkward now in general when it involves my STBX.

I don't know how she did it to be honest. I couldn't do what she did, don't think I'm strong enough to handle that. Her BF did not come. I know it wasn't fair to say no to him being here but I do not want that guy in my home ever.

What a weird ride this whole thing is.


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