# My odd story



## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

First and fore most this is gonna be long. So I'll start with the basics I've been married to my wife for 12 years dated her for 2 before we got married. At the four year mark ahe had an ea with her ex. She had set up a meeting with him. But instead of going ahe going ahe came clean about the affair and called off the meeting. She said it happened as he was her first love and reconnecting with him online sparked old feelings. We worked through it and moved forward.

At the 7 year mark in our marraige we had our son after she gave birth she suffered from post partum depression to the so severely she ended up in and out of a mental hospital several times. During this time she started multiple online emotional affairs with just random men all out of state. This was discover when i. Got a gut feeling and went through her phone. I confronted her and she said she was feeling worthless and vunerable. So sought out random attention that it meant nothing. She called em all off. We worked both with couple couseling and individual cousling this timw to to work past the issues at hand.

Over the next 2 years though her mental issues continued to worsen she took to self harm cutting and burning her self a couple of sucicide attempts many trips to the state mental hospital. During this time I had my mother move in with us to help with our son as i had to take on asecond job to make ends meet. My wife was dignoised with border line personality disorder,major depression, and generalised anxeity disorder during this period. Also during this period she left herself logged into facebook and her email on on our shared laptop. Im a naturally noisy person so i snooped through her atuff doing so i found once again found ahe was sexting and saying i love you to random people this time 2 that where local. 
One that she had met up with.

I confronted her told i wanted a divorce i packed the essentials and took my son and mom to my grabd parents house. The next day i finally answered my wifes calls we met to talk. Ahe broke soqn sayi g she was sorry and that she didn't know why she kept doing this but wanted us to work. About aix month later i agreed to try for reconciliation but i needed full acess to all her accounts and devices she agreed and we moved back i together.

Fast forward to last month ihad become lax in checking her devices for a few reasons one my health I had gotten in an accident and broke my leg and had been battlingon going infections from other wounds. Due me not being able to work she picked up an extra job to help ends meet. I noticed she had become kinda of distant and seemed resent ful having to help me do thing. So i checked her phone.

Found sexting to a guy that she meet at work he was a client at the office she just started working at he had asked her to meet him at a nerby hotel which was actually the last text between them she never responded. There where no phone calls between her and him atleast on her cell phone. When confronted she said it started just as flirtation was meant to be harmless then she got flatered and let it turn to sexting. Shenthen said when he asked to met she freaked out and blocked his number. However i know this is a lie we both have the same model of phones when you block a number on it it deletes all conversations and contact info from the phone. I have tested this twice on my phobe and hers.

I told her I'm done and going to file for divorce. I no longer wish to live on the look out for another man or men. I no longer want a pathological lair as a partner. Forgot to mention she told one of her i ternet boyfriends that i beat her and that she had cancer. I know it the right call and i know its way over due. I am just not sure what steps to take next to protect my son and mysel. I also fear foe her mental well being i know shouldn't but i cant help that I do love the women she presented and shown herelf at times to be.

Sorry for the long post sure i missed some details too. Any advice is appreciated


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hold the course. Your wife is incapable of being married. Where are HER parents in this?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Serial cheater move on. That's all you need to know


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Texasred said:


> *I told her I'm done and going to file for divorce. I no longer wish to live on the look out for another man or men. I no longer want a pathological lair as a partner. Forgot to mention she told one of her i ternet boyfriends that i beat her and that she had cancer. I know it the right call and i know its way over due. I am just not sure what steps to take next to protect my son and mysel. I also fear foe her mental well being i know shouldn't but i cant help that I do love the women she presented and shown herelf at times to be.
> 
> Sorry for the long post sure i missed some details too. Any advice is appreciated*


Document what you have told us. *Most important is to get legal advice in your state* on how to proceed and protect your child and yourself!! The age of your child will likely affect how he needs to be protected.

The woman you thought you loved has vanished and will not return. Does she have family that can help her? It is likely she has suffered FOO issues and likely abuse in the past.

Your efforts now should be directed at providing stability in your son's life.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Texasred,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. base on my own personal experience with people with borderline personality disorders I have to tell you that it is one of the most difficult personality disorders to deal with. you have to understand there is no real cure for it. there are some techniques that patients learn to control their impulsiveness and intrusive thoughts but that only works if the patient actively and firmly follows the therapy and that rarely happens. I should warn you that there are many cases of children with BPD parents developing BPD. they pick on those behaviors from parents. At this point the best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and your child. you can't save her. I repeat you can't save her. she has to save herself.

I'm truly sorry. :crying:


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your WW is broken and incapable of remaining true. You found many affair partners. Can you imagine what the true number is? I'm sure there have been others that have slipped through your radar. 

Do you really want to have to police her like a rebellious teenager? To prevent further heartache, you should divorce.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk to a good lawyer. Make sure they know of her history including multiple affairs. Follow their advice to protect yourself and your child. 

Regardless of how much you would like to save her from herself, you can not do that. Remember, this is real life and you are not Superman or any other fantasy super hero. You should move on an let her live her life as she sees fit. But be prepared for her to come begging for another chance. Just know that she will never change and what you have seen is all she has to offer. Betrayal and heartbreak.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I'm sorry your wife is so sick, and I'm sorry this happened to you. It sounds like you really tried to help her, but she is beyond your help.

Start by seeing an attorney. That doesn't mean you have to wreck her, it will tell you what you need to do to protect yourself and your son. Seeing an attorney is like buying a gun, you don't have to go on the offensive, it can just be defensive.

Your son will need you, and you will need to be healthy for him. If you are having trouble w/ this, reach out to friends and/or a counselor. Talk to your son about the divorce, reassure him you will be there and don't undermine his mother's relationship w/ him.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Texasred:

1. *She is mentally ill.* She will never heal. You are doing the right thing for you child.

2. * Document everything.* EVERYTHING.

3. *You must go for full custody.* I would say that she should never be left alone with the child.

4. Does she have *any* family to help deal with this?

5. *Good luck, you will need it.*


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It seems like she would be better off single. Then she can do what she wants with any guys without having to hide it.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Meds?

Results?


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Don't let her manipulate you into backing off from divorce this time.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me 5 times? 10 times?

If she really gets the help she needs, maybe you can date her again someday. But she should never be your wife (or anyone's wife) ever again.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Look Tex, do not try to save her!! Listen to your counselors here. Many have been through roughly the same thing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do yourself a favor and assume that she was meeting up — and having sex with — any of the local EAPs, and keep that in mind should you begin to reconsider divorcing her.

Also, DNA your kid.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I'm so sorry. Unfortunately your wife is broken. Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT GOOD. She probably *doesn't* know why she does what she does. But the bottom line it, she does it. 

It's very sad, but you and your child can't live with it. It will ruin your life. You will never be happy married to this woman, and you can't save her. Save yourself. 

If you're interested, go on youtube and search "medcircle borderling personality disorder" There is a Dr. who talks about that and other issues. I stumbled onto their videos one night and I just find them fascinating for some reason.

The really sad/ironic thing? The Dr. says the BPD person's #1 fear is abandonment. But they drive people away with their crazy behavior. 







Texasred said:


> First and fore most this is gonna be long. So I'll start with the basics I've been married to my wife for 12 years dated her for 2 before we got married. At the four year mark ahe had an ea with her ex. She had set up a meeting with him. But instead of going ahe going ahe came clean about the affair and called off the meeting. She said it happened as he was her first love and reconnecting with him online sparked old feelings. We worked through it and moved forward.
> 
> At the 7 year mark in our marraige we had our son after she gave birth she suffered from post partum depression to the so severely she ended up in and out of a mental hospital several times. During this time she started multiple online emotional affairs with just random men all out of state. This was discover when i. Got a gut feeling and went through her phone. I confronted her and she said she was feeling worthless and vunerable. So sought out random attention that it meant nothing. She called em all off. We worked both with couple couseling and individual cousling this timw to to work past the issues at hand.
> 
> ...


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Lose her ~ it's for the better!*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Get a lawyer, document everything, get tested for STD's. Your wasting the years of your life with her. Don't let your child grow up like this.

It is important that you come to understand that no matter how much you believe otherwise....you will NEVER repair this situation. 


Unable to see the truth: As a person so closely connected to the situation you will have a hard time believing the things you read here....only at first.
As time goes by you will come back to these first post and will not be able to believe how clouded your judgement was. Try your best NOW to step
back and take a look at the big picture without the rose colored glasses. It will serve you best to try to get to this point as quickly as possible.

Best luck..


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## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

Those asking about her family she has 2 brothers ones only 17 though and her mom who live around 3 hours away from where we are. But her mom is to wrapped up in her latest husband number 6 i think 3rd one since i ve known her to even care about her teenage son whos on the vwrge of being trailed as an adult for credit fraud . The older brother is a hateful drunk who last i heard from was bussy trying to start a fight amongst the family for not being invited to a thanks giving dinner that wasn't happening. So their just more drama then help.

As for meda shes on alot of them xanax,zoloft,respidone,remeron and gabapentin. Their more like a band aid for her they treat some of the symptoms but not the causes. She does go to threapy 2 times aweek sees an actual phycologist once a month. But none of it really helps she still harms herself and has had a recent stay in a mental ward for oding on xanax while at work. 

I no longer wish for me or my child to subjected to her behavior i will be calling a lawyer today. As far as my health goes i do have my mother still living with me and my sister nearby both willing to help me till im on the mend.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Good Job...go see that lawyer..do it quick...do it now. Use action and not words. Distance yourself and child from all that mess quickly.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Texasred said:


> As for meda shes on alot of them xanax,zoloft,respidone,remeron and gabapentin. Their more like a band aid for her they treat some of the symptoms but not the causes. She does go to threapy 2 times aweek sees an actual phycologist once a month. But none of it really helps she still harms herself and has had a recent stay in a mental ward for oding on xanax while at work.


Tex,

*You have to go for full custody, with her only having supervised visits.* She needs to be institutionalized. She could commit suicide and try to take the child with her. Happens all the time.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Personally, this behavior appears to be genetic in nature. For your own good it is likely that you need at least a separation, if not a divorce. This appears pathological.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Texasred, the best thing you can do in this situation is go to court and get full custody of your child, first and foremost. Once that's done, decide what you will do about her. If you love her, stay married and have her institutionalized, so that she can get REAL help. This band-aid approach isn't working, and it's harming her, you, and your child. That way, your insurance could help with her needs. If you're just done, divorce her so she can get benefits that way, and help her get into real mental care.

Either way, your child's needs are paramount here and living with a bipolar is the most destructive thing you can allow to happen.


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## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

Spoke with a a familiy law lawyer today he said I can start the process of filing of divorce but can't legally kick her out or even ask her to leave the house we bought together. As right now he says I also cant restrict or interfere with her and our son either atleast not till I have a court order.
I told him i understood and want to proceed. Ive lurked here in the forums long enough that on the way home i picked up a var at walmart and am currently waiting for her to come home from work to present her with the papers and tell her to move her stuff from our bed room to the geust room. 

Just becuase i cant tell her to leave doesn't mean I am going to share a room with her any more and don't see why i should change rooms.

Thia is alot more complicated then I planned on. Wishing I had went ahead and pulled this trigger years ago.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Texasred said:


> Just becuase i cant tell her to leave doesn't mean I am going to share a room with her any more and don't see why i should change rooms.


While I agree with you that you shouldn't have to move to the guestroom, I'm guessing it'll go a whole lot easier if you do. Try and keep things as easy-going as possible. If you make the master bedroom something to battle over, it'll just lead to other battles. She'll fight for other things just to get back at you for making her move. 

You're not fighting to get her back. Think of the end goal rather than worry about minor stuff like this. Save the big fights for the important stuff like custody and assets.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're going to need to get a spiral-bound notebook. Go to the first page, date it to the first day you started noticing problems with her and your son. Describe the issue. On the next page, date it for the next day there was an issue, and describe that one. If it's years back, you can estimate the date, but be approximate. Keep going. Your job is to fill that notebook with examples, in date order, of what's been happening with your son, as regards your wife. 

If she forgot to pick him up from day care, list it. If she got drunk or crazy and went to bed without putting him to bed, list it. And so on. 

Your job is to protect him from her right now; they can be reunited later, after she gets real help. But for now, you need to prove to the judge that he is unsafe with her. And for that, you need the notebook (spiral-bound so it looks like it's done in order, and no pages were inserted to cast doubt on what happened).


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Texasred said:


> Spoke with a a familiy law lawyer today he said I can start the process of filing of divorce but can't legally kick her out or *even ask her to leave the house* we bought together.


 You can't even *ask* her to leave? Seems like that would make it her choice.


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## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

My lawyer said asking her to move could be considered hustle or aggressive as it is just as much hers as mine.

But I took the advice of moving my stuff to the guest room instead of figjting over it had most of my stuff moved before she got home. 

She came in and asked what i was doing i told her i wanted a divorce had the papers ready to file just needed her to sign them.

She said she was going to have to have a lawyer of her own look over them but was going to try to covince me to change my mind. She helped me get the rest of my stuff from our room even offered to take the geust room but at this point it was easier to for me to take the geust room.

My mother came home with my son after it was all done. My wife cooked dinner helped get our son to bed and did the dishes.

Afterwards she sat quietly watching tv in our living room not even using her phone like normal and looked sad.

I went to my room and shut the door as i didn't want to be around her I've said all that needs to be said to her. Ill be civil and polite but Will not engage in her pitty party she brought this on herself.

My sister has suggest i install security cameras in the house to help monitor my wifes behavior and protect my son and myself. She did this when going through a divorce with a violent ex.

I didnt get the respones i thought i would Im a bit confused but glad I didnt gwt the screamin crying fit i was expecting. But fear this might just be the calm before the storm.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Texasred said:


> My lawyer said asking her to move could be considered hustle or aggressive as it is just as much hers as mine.
> 
> But I took the advice of moving my stuff to the guest room instead of figjting over it had most of my stuff moved before she got home.
> 
> ...


Be brave and proceed. DO NOT consider her moments of quiet to be who she really is--you already know this. 

Do not feel guilty, please! In five years you and your son should be in a much, much better place, no matter what she does or says. She will likely try to change your mind--beware.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@Uptown... any wisdom for getting thru a divorce with a BPD STBX?


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

Texasred said:


> Afterwards she sat quietly watching tv in our living room not even using her phone like normal and looked sad.
> 
> I went to my room and shut the door as i didn't want to be around her I've said all that needs to be said to her. Ill be civil and polite but Will not engage in her pitty party she brought this on herself.
> 
> ...


the root problem of Borderline personality disorder is fear of abandonment. because of being abandoned as child either emotionally or physically or both. all destructive behaviors you see of her is her attempts to prove herself that you won't abandon her (proving your love for her). sadly that's exactly what she's going to get. the silent sadness you saw was her moment of confirmation that she is going to be abandoned again. like you said that's not your fault. may I suggest that whatever happens you seek counseling for yourself. you could ask the counselor to help you how to deal with your bpd wife in your future interaction regarding divorce and your child.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

@*3Xnocharm*, thanks for the call-out.



> My wife was diagnosed with border line personality disorder,major depression, and generalised anxeity disorder during this period


Red, this combination is not surprising if your STBXW has BPD. A large-scale study of American adults found that 81% of female BPDers suffer from a co-occurring anxiety disorder -- and 80% suffer from a co-occurring mood disorder like major depression or bipolar.



> At the 7 year mark in our marriage we had our son after she gave birth she suffered from post partum depression to the so severely she ended up in and out of a mental hospital several times. During this time she started multiple online emotional affairs with just random men all out of state.


Red, has any psychologist mentioned bipolar-1 disorder to you? I ask because, except for the cutting and burning, the behaviors you describe mostly sound like warning signs for bipolar-1. 

Lifetime BPD typically is developed by five years of age and starts showing strongly in the early teens and persists strongly thereafter -- except for perhaps 6 months during the courtship period when the infatuation holds her two fears at bay. I therefore am puzzled that you don't mention seeing abusive behavior (an EA) until 6 years into your relationship -- and serial cheating until 9 years into your relationship. If your wife has full-blown lifetime BPD, you should have been seeing strong warning signs starting in the very first year.

In contrast, bipolar-1 typically does not start showing until age 25 but can start at virtually any time during a person's lifetime. Moreover, if your STBXW has lifetime BPD as her psychologist has determined, one-third of female BPDers also suffer from bipolar-1. It thus is common for both disorders to co-occur. Knowing about this distinction is important because both disorders can be passed on to your children. For BPD, for example, two recent studies suggest that there is a 30% risk of a child developing it when one parent has lifetime BPD.

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my description of 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences and my description of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If those descriptions raise any questions, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

Of course, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your STBXW's issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot in a 14-year relationship, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder. Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD and bipolar may help you decide whether a second professional opinion is warranted.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

TexasRed,
Good for you for being firm on your decision. It took me years to really learn my worth. Like others it was difficult to see while going through it. Your wife like mine knew exactly what they were doing each time and what they were risking. Its hard to believe someone that says they love you and want to be only with you would make this decision so lightly. The sad truth is they don't love you as much as you had really hoped. It took me ten years to get away from my xW. Your life is going to be so much better when you really get away from her. Even if your not with a new woman you will really see how all this crazy stuff you had to do to be with her will be gone. That alone will be a huge relief. 

If you can get away from her in a calm way then that is great if not then plan for the worst. Once she really realizes your done she is liable to try to cause you more pain. It will be your fault your leaving and your fault she is a serial cheater. 

Stay safe and aware.

C


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## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

Uptown said:


> @*3Xnocharm*, thanks for the call-out.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



She did display alot of the 18 warning signs early on in the relationship. Like all her exes being abusive,lowself esteem (still shows this one) used to co.e and hand out at my work becuase she wantes to be around me so defiantly had an urealistic demand on amount of time spent together, would make me fewl bad if if tried to go hang out with my friends with out her,really only has one long-term friend and that one lives on the other aide of the country now. Always tries to play the victim and blame others. She actually displyed most of the warninga thos juat one that stuck in tje early part of our relationship.

She was abused aexually as child around the age of 4 by her mother'sboy friend and spent from 4 to 12 in foster care where she says she was abused most of the time there. At 12 cps placed her back with her mom. Her mom is self abosred and doesn't belive mental illness is real. But had told me the first time my wife injured herself that she would do it as a teen for attention. 

I didnt know the behavior i blew off as clingy or just hormonal in the first 6 years Where warning signs of bdp.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

TexasRed,
Your wife and my Ex are exactly the same. I know for a fact that my wife was having sex with many of the guys she contacted. I'm now free from that HELL and have a good loving, honest relationship!
Good luck to you. Keep up the good fight.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

TR,

Been away for awhile but one thing I wanted to mention.

Her calm acceptance of telling her about the divorce could be a bad sign. 

On one hand, with her Mom going through 6 husbands, she might have already made up her mind that eventually you would wake up and walk away from her drama and cheating.

On the other hand (and I have personally seen this) when a person with a history of suicide attempts gets unexpectedly calm after a traumatic experience such as being presented with divorce papers, it could be that she is having real suicidal thoughts. Don't stop the divorce, but keep a close eye on her.


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## Texasred (Dec 9, 2018)

Things i have gotten alot worse since she went from quite and claim to yell at me becuase i was in comon areas of the house. To bringing me food from her second job and trying to covince me to not go through with the divorce the back to yelling that i dont care about anything weve built together.

Last night she was suppose to work the closing shift at a restaurant ahe is a manager at she calls me at 9 ( closing is at 11 on sundays) asked if I'd like some food as she was coming home early. I said no thank she said ok see you in a bit. 
As it wasnt bussy enough to justify 2 mangers. Around midnight i notice she isnt hom i call her as her job is only 25 minutes away with heavy traffic.

She answers and is crying that she had a blow out and on of the lug nuta ia stuck and ia juat right down street and didnt call me as she didnt think id come help her. I gwt up and grab my tool box ask my mmom to keep an eye on my sleeping son drive to the gas station at the wnd of the street where ahe pulled over.

Get the stripped lug nut off put the temporary spare on. I go inside and get a coffee. When i comw back she is standing by my truck and says shes worried she damaged the car hitting the curb. I tell her ill follow her home less then 2 blocks and check it in the morning.

So today i went out used my spare keys on her car drove it the algiment swemed fine got a new tire put on when i got home went to put the receipt for the tire in her glove box went inside tols her the car was fine.

She started yelling at me asking why i inevaded her personal space and she could of taken the car and had it check on her own and slapped me. 


I have it on video as due to her erractic behavior i picked up a small body camera to wear around her instead of just carrying a var. 

Ahe called the cops saying I pushed her
I showed the cops the video they said divorce can bring the worst out of women and suggeted i get a hotel room or stay with family. I asked if i could press charges and they said they would issue an assult by contact ticket (a class c misdemeanor comparable to a traffic ticket) 

After the cops told her i had the incident on camera and that i didnt hit or push her and gave her her tickets She went inside and pack a bag saying she was going to go to her moms as I am a paranoid and invasive person who doeant respect boundaries and that her lawyer would contact mine about her reciving full custody but till that time she was leaving our son here.

She then called me and said she be home for Christmas and was just going to stay the night at her friends.

Pretty aure shea at one of other mens place right now but going to enjoy a drama free christmas eve night got the dead bolts locked and alarm system. armed


Sorry forthe long post


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bud you can't get yourself and your kids away from this fast enough.

Nice job documenting. Keep it up


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

She's hit you and you have it documented with video evidence and the police issued a ticket. You should immediately file a restraining order against her to protect yourself. 

She's called the cops once, she will do it again and be better prepared to make you look guilty next time.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

honcho said:


> She's hit you and you have it documented with video evidence and the police issued a ticket. You should immediately file a restraining order against her to protect yourself.
> 
> She's called the cops once, she will do it again and be better prepared to make you look guilty next time.


 This^^^

You also need to look into (ask a lawyer) if what she is doing is abandonment. Document all contact and when she left etc. in a notebook. You can use all of this to your benefit. You may be the one with full custody.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

She obviously has a nice way of showing gratitude....I'm sorry that happen to you...smart move on the body camera..I will not be surprised if the is standard wear for many people in similar situations.
Btw now that she knows you have a body camera, watch her to be more sneaky.

No good deed goes unpunished...stop being helpful it will only hurt you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Smart move with the body camera for sure. Also make sure that you are documenting everything that goes on, you really need to fight for custody of your kid. Being with her would not be in any child’s best interest whatsoever


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

How is your story "odd"? This is textbook BPD behavior. When you marry a broken woman, this is exactly what happens. Unfortunately, it will get worse. Like everyone else is saying, protect yourself and constantly monitor. Good luck.

https://dadstartingover.com/borderline-personality-disorder/


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can't fix crazy.


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