# Could Use Some Help



## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I haven't been on here for a long time, and I'm pretty sure most of you remember who I am and who my H was. 
I'm here asking for help, for he and I. Our divorce was finalized in November of last year. He and I continue to be friends. We talk everyday and see each other once a week. I know that he will have an extremely hard time with everything for a long time. Especially with everything I had put him through. I ask him what I can do to help with anything, but he says he doesn't know. I don't know if he will know for a while. He doesn't know if we just go our separate ways and start new lives would be better for him or anything. I'm scared for him. I worry that he'll have a massive mental break, that something will happen to him. I know that I can't push him to do anything, but is there something that I can do, that you all have done, to really help him? 
I just want him to be happy, he deserves that beyond all reason! I love him so much, I'll do anything to make him happy, Even if that requires NC, no nothing. Please if you have any advise on how I could help with his triggers, his mental status, please let me know.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Just a quick reply, haven't had time to review your story but, from what you say your husband gets triggered by seeing you. You say you are friendly and helpful I can see your husband seeing "Why couldn't it have been this way when we were married", and "Why did she cheat to destroy everything we could of had". 
He is mourning what was lost and what will never be again.

It might be better for both of you to break all contact for now for him to heal and to find out what he wants to be without you.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

It was him that said he wanted to see each other more. I didn't push it on him or anything. I was amazed that he wanted to. I can defianetly see him saying those things. "Why didn't it happen this way" and things like that. I just wish I had the magic button to make everything good again, better yet go back in time and slap myself before anything happened. Need my easy button!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Having read your previous threads I can't help but wonder what the real motivation is for you starting this one.Sorry,but the truth.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm not sure what you're getting at TBT. I came here hoping that someone could help with some advise on helping my ex. We're still friends and if I can help him in anyway I will. So I don't understand what you mean by my "real motivation"


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have to be honest. You had multiple EAs, didn't end them, lied to his face for more than a year, lied to us here on this forum...and now you want to know how to "help your ex"

I would honestly say the best thing you could do for him would be to say goodbye and leave him alone. You are desperately enmeshed with him and codependent, and if you EVER want to grow or mature as a person, I truly believe you'll need to completely leave him alone and allow yourself to learn how to be in an honest, healthy relationship. And if he is as weak as you say and will mentally collapse without you...then he also needs to learn how to be completely alone and self-sufficient and grow and mature as an adult too. 

You truly want to help him. Tell him you loved him, say goodbye, and then change your email, phone, address and close your FB. Hurt for a few days...and grow up.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You wanna help your husband. Build him up, encourage him, point out the things you like about him. His strengths. Now comes the hard part. Do it without expectation or manipulation. I don't know if you can do it, or if there is any belief in you left in him. But you can try.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

I'm not denying any of that, I did all of it. I've been trying to help him for a long time now. I am a very independent woman, my mum taught me to be that way. So don't tell me that I haven't grown or matured from this situation that I put my H through. I can not believe how much I have learned from what I did and what I have learned of myself. I fell and I fell hard. I took my H with me and I shoved him in the dirt. I am full of guilt and regret for hurting the man that I love. I think about it everyday. I think about just disapearing and letting him live his life, but we still talk, he wants to talk to me. I'm not making him do anything. Its his desicion on what he wants and what will make him happy. I came here as a friend for him to see if anyone had advice to help him, I didnt come here to be bashed, though I kinda expected it I still hoped that it wouldn't happen.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> You wanna help your husband. Build him up, encourage him, point out the things you like about him. His strengths. Now comes the hard part. Do it without expectation or manipulation. I don't know if you can do it, or if there is any belief in you left in him. But you can try.


Thank you Initfortheduration for the advice.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Think of it like this. The very best way you can help him may well be to remove yourself from his life. To make him learn to live without you. If having you continue to be a part of his life is killing him - and you can see how it could - but he still can't manage to let you go then you be the one to remove yourself. What he wants and what he needs are not necessarily the same thing. He stuck because what he really wants he can't have - he wants his pre-affair marriage back and that can't happen, accordingly he can't accept still being married to you but neither can he accept forcing you out of his life. If he can learn to live without you he will become able to make a decision to keep you out of his life or perhaps let you back in, but only if he first can live without you. As long as he's stuck in this limbo he won't be able to make a decision. 

So another price of your cheating may well be that now, in order to help him, you have to walk away and know that he's hurting further and again because of you. 

It's like a mercy killing. Put him out of his misery. If he comes back later so be it but he has to get loose one way or the other.


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## Wingsoflove (Jul 7, 2011)

Thank you sigma. I've been thinking about what you have said even before you said it. I've been think about it for a long time now. I know I cheated, I'm not proud of it, I hate it. Thank you again for you advise


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Wingsoflove said:


> I know I cheated, I'm not proud of it, I hate it.


I'm on the cheating side to - I know. 

Tough spot you're in. Fortunately my wife and I are reconciling so I'm only offering an opinion, nothing based on experience. Maybe you could tell him that you think it's what he needs so you're going to go no contact with him for some period - at least that way he won't think you're going dark just to hurt him more? Or maybe that would just be thinking about how you feel instead of him and only confuse him more? I don't know. If you do go no contact, it's likely that he'll crack and contact you - it will be up to you to resist and remain silent. It'll be hard to do but if it helps him it's the price to be paid. Good Luck.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I was a betrayed husband but I don't think it is fair for him to want you to continue being in his life. Just like me, he made a choice to end his marriage but unlike me he is still clinging on to his ex-wife for emotional support. He is cake eating and that is wrong because it prevents both of you from moving on and rebuilding your lives separately.

You may have betrayed him but you are no longer married to him and thus owe him nothing. It's time for you to cut him loose for his own good as well as yours. Learn from your bad choices so that you will never again become that person who destroyed her marriage, and you'll become worthy of being loved by another man in the future.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Your presence is his trigger, you cheated him and gave him a lot of pain and you are doing the same by your continued presence.
Leave him let him live his life, let him man up (I dont think that he can, if he could he might have never kept you even as a friend)
Let him live his life, as an independent women go find some one else.
Dont be sooo good enough to be his friend anymore.


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