# Heal yourself, nobody will do it for you



## sirwonder (Feb 24, 2011)

I've come to realize something very important over the last month or two (6 months after DDay from wife's PA/EA). The only person who can heal you, as the BS, is you. Sure, your WS can help, but what if they are too weak to do much for you? What if they are so messed up and withdrawn that they cannot offer very much to you? As long as they are still there and engaged with you daily in a positive way, and the affair is over, turn your focus inward and start working on healing yourself. Don't look to your spouse to fix your pain. It won't work. 

If your spouse is helping you, then that's a bonus. Embrace that. But if they aren't doing very much "heavy lifting", you can choose to be bitter and demand that your spouse helps you with the pain, and leave if you don't get it. But if you really want the marriage to work, and you want to be happy, look inside yourself and choose to help yourself. Become the person you've always dreamed of being...the most perfect version of you that you can imagine. If you are leaning on your WS too much, I believe it will take much longer to get past this episode in your life. 

Healing yourself is easier said than done. But you can start by doing things that make you feel confident and strong, things that make you feel good about yourself. Avoid the things that cause you anxiety and distress. Pray if that helps you. Motivate yourself in other ways too, by being active and being proud that you live a life of integrity and strength.

There's one essential component you must have before you can heal yourself: Forgiveness. Forgiveness frees you. Even if you believe your spouse doesn't deserve it yet, you're not doing it for them. You do it for you. It allows you to let go of the pain and move ahead, for yourself. It allows you to be kind, regardless of what's happened. If you want to be seen as a kind and strong person by your spouse, and everyone else in your life, you must forgive.

Once you start improving yourself, for you, your spouse will notice, guaranteed. They will notice your new confidence and strength. It's a very powerful thing, and it's attractive to people. Most of all, you can feel great about yourself when you have total confidence and control of your life. 

Just decide that it's time to step up and build a new you, better than before. You'll fall back sometimes, but once you get a taste of the feeling I'm talking about, you'll never want to go back. When you start making progress with yourself, acknowledge and embrace the feeling, the peaceful feeling you didn't know you could feel anymore. Confidence and strength are what it's all about. 

You can get past this. Do it for yourself.


----------



## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

I do believe that forgivenss is the key to healing ourselves. It is hard to do but we must always remember that forgiving the WS is NOT for their benefit, it is for our own! Forgiving the WS does not mean that what they did was ok, it means that we are trying to heal from within for our future happiness in life. 
I'm trying hard to do that, it isn't easy but I keep trying. If I keep trying to forgive then one day I have a chance for success and a greater opportunity to be happy in the future.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You learned the lesson well, grasshopper.











*What is forgiveness?*

For a great many people, it means amnesty for the offender and of the consequences that would befall him/her. The problem with this definition is that it makes the offender the beneficiary while the offended getting nothing in return.

But to others, myself included, forgiveness means to accept - not condone - that what was done cannot be undone and to make peace with it, NOT for the benefit of the offender but for the benefit of the offended. This type of forgiveness does not remove the consequences that would befall the offender.

People who subscribe to the former definition of forgiveness are unable to achieve it because it is an emotionally daunting task. It is also dependent on the offender showing true remorse to the offended for his/her transgression(s) which may or may not be present or ever will be.

But those of us who subscribe to the latter definition, forgiveness is an acknowledgement that no matter what the outcome of the situation with the offender is, that in order for us to move on with our lives is to *make the decision that anger and bitterness are the toxic twins that will forever follow us and poison our lives IF we consciously allow them to. Here, forgiveness is a conscious choice for the benefit of the offended, not the offender.*

I divorced my wife not because I could not forgive her for her affair nor because I no longer loved her, but because at the time it was necessary for me to do so in order to emotionally and psychologically heal myself. And yes, I did forgive her because I subscribe to the latter definition of forgiveness.


----------



## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

Nice post. This is very timely for me.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

the_guy said this with regards to his FDW (FWW) affairs *"I will not let her behavior (affairs) define who I am."* He is absolutely right. The worst thing we can do as LS(BS) is to allow a spouse's affairs to feed our anger and bitterness. We must take ownership of our healing, no matter what the outcome of the marriage will be.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

More important than forgiving your spouse... forgiving yourself.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> More important than forgiving your spouse... forgiving yourself.


Of course. You can't forgive another without forgiving yourself first.


----------



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

sirwonder said:


> I've come to realize something very important over the last month or two (6 months after DDay from wife's PA/EA). The only person who can heal you, as the BS, is you. Sure, your WS can help, but what if they are too weak to do much for you? What if they are so messed up and withdrawn that they cannot offer very much to you? As long as they are still there and engaged with you daily in a positive way, and the affair is over, turn your focus inward and start working on healing yourself. Don't look to your spouse to fix your pain. It won't work.
> 
> If your spouse is helping you, then that's a bonus. Embrace that. But if they aren't doing very much "heavy lifting", you can choose to be bitter and demand that your spouse helps you with the pain, and leave if you don't get it. But if you really want the marriage to work, and you want to be happy, look inside yourself and choose to help yourself. Become the person you've always dreamed of being...the most perfect version of you that you can imagine. If you are leaning on your WS too much, I believe it will take much longer to get past this episode in your life.
> 
> ...


Amen.


----------



## ShreddedWheat (Feb 5, 2012)

It is very hard for me to forgive myself. I feel like I let myself down by not paying attention to the clear signs I had right in front of my eyes if only I'd have looked. 

Despite 25 (mostly) good years of marriage, I find myself angry at myself for marrying this man in the first place. I beat myself up and say, "You should have known this was going to happen eventually."

I cannot believe how much pain from my childhood this event has brought up in myself. Yes, I'm very angry at my spouse, but I'm almost equally angry at myself.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

ShreddedWheat, many a betrayed know exactly what you mean. It is really difficult for the loyal one to not take up the burden of their spouse's betrayal. While we always say on here each spouse is only 50% responsible for the marriage, when it happens there is no escaping that the loyal spouse did fail to do something they should have. But you don't expect anyone to be perfect nor does anyone expect you to be, you try the best you can and when someone you love intentionally treats you not as the best they can but selfishly and needlessly, instead the bulk of the blame really does shift to them.

So accept your own failures, try to understand what happened so you can fix the error of your ways then keep moving forward, but never ever blame yourself for someone else's bad judgement and wrong choices. This is why it is so important for the loyal spouse to forgive themselves first.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> ShreddedWheat, many a betrayed know exactly what you mean. It is really difficult for the loyal one to not take up the burden of their spouse's betrayal. While we always say on here each spouse is only 50% responsible for the marriage, when it happens there is no escaping that the loyal spouse did fail to do something they should have. But you don't expect anyone to be perfect nor does anyone expect you to be, you try the best you can and when someone you love intentionally treats you not as the best they can but selfishly and needlessly, instead the bulk of the blame really does shift to them.
> 
> So accept your own failures, try to understand what happened so you can fix the error of your ways then keep moving forward, but never ever blame yourself for someone else's bad judgement and wrong choices. This is why it is so important for the loyal spouse to forgive themselves first.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Unfortunately, no one gets handed a manual detailing how to select a good, faithful spouse or how to be a good, faithful spouse.


----------

