# My wife and my mother don't get along



## njp001

10 months ago my mother gave my wife the cold shoulder while we stayed at her house for a long weekend. My mother claims my wife was the one who actually gave the cold shoulder. Bottom line, they don't like each other. There have been little unspoken things that have happened for years between the two. My wife claims it's my mother fault and my mother claims it's my wife fault. I think they both are at fault. Anyway, it's been several months and my wife won't let my parents see our kids, they're grandchildren. She states if they don't respect her then they can't see the kids. I'm caught in the middle trying to resolve this. Whenever I discuss this with my wife she claims I'm taking my mother’s side and gets all mad. My parents call me at work and say they want to come and see the kids. I take no action because I don't know what action to take. Can anyone help???


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## Exodus

Why don't you ask your wife who the children gave the cold shoulder to? From the sounds of it, they are being punished for the stubbornness of your wife and mother. The only thing that is getting punished by this is you and the tots, if someone wants to be handing out respect, it should be your wife to you, and your mother to you, respect enough to silently dislike one another for the sake of the kids being able to see their grandparents, and to show some respect for you, the person that is uninvolved.


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## njp001

Thanks, Exodus... My parents expect me to fix the situation when I think they should go to my wife directly. I've talked to my mother on the phone a couple times and she said she would talk to my wife, but my wife will not talk to her. My wife has her own issues with her parents and I think that affects her relationship with my parents. Her parents are pretty much uninvolved with us so she wants my parents to be too.


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## Exodus

I ran into a similar issue with myself once, an in law of mine threatened to call a protective service on my family once because she didn't feel that we should be letting our what was one year old feed himself cheerios.. to be quite honest there are lines, some of them you don't cross, and that's one of them, you don't do stuff like that to your family more than anyone else, I told said in law she can take her vindictive attitude and disappear, but after a few months, i got to thinking, its not fair to the kids, the have done nothing wrong and shouldn't be denied right to see their family. as long as no harm is coming to them in any way its pretty much unfair and unacceptable to forsake someone from a family member that has done no wrong as the innocence of a child.


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## sisters359

No, you need to work this out with your parents. Your first loyalty is to your wife. But she should not be allowed to use the kids as hostages against your wishes. You can make arrangements for your parents to see the kids away from your wife, and make sure your parents understand it is inappropriate for them to speak against your wife to the kids-that would be grounds for YOU to keep your kids from your parents, too. 

You need to be careful not to take your parents side in this. Doesn't matter who started it; she's your wife and it's your first responsibility to support her. You can tell her if she's in the wrong, but make sure she knows that is a discussion between you and her and that you would NEVER speak against her to anyone. Refuse to let your mom drag you into anything and make sure your wife knows you've set boundaries with your mom, too. Good luck; touchy stuff!


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## hoping

i had a similar problem a few years back. and i flat out told my parents that if they wanted me to take sides, i was taking my wifes! i actually screamed this at my father after he cornered me and asked me "why can't i handle my wife and take care of my family" he didn't like it. but, you know what, they are supposed to be the more mature "older and wiser" they should make the first move. and on top of that, your loyalties should lie with your imediat family, you should have your wifes back on this. she needs to feel that she is important to you and it sounds like she feels your neglecting her. 

i would call you mother and demand that she apoligze first, tell her that her petty differances with your wife are causing you and their grand children to suffer and she needs to be "big" about it, and tell her that that it's because you have to support your wife. if she doesn't get it then ask her how she would feel if your dad had chosen to suport his mother instead of her?

she is your mother, she should care more fore your mental health then her pride. both my parents came around and apologized to my wife, with me standing right beside her, my hand around her waist.

well, that's the opinion that was given to me by a coworker and to be honest, i put off doing it for a long time, but they were right, and it worked. but you know them both best and you will be the only one to descide what you can do, but one things for sure, you need to let your wife know that you are not on your mothers side. she is feeling betrayed by you right now and you need to let her know that you're not against her, even if you're not completely with her on this.


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## Blanca

I have issues with my MIL. i wont let my kids around her if she continues to be disrespectful towards me. she doesnt think she has been- she thinks im disrespectful. i dont get involved with her, though. My H does. its his mom and his responsibility to deal with it. he respects my point of view and tells her she needs to be more respectful. and im more willing to work with it since my H is being supportive.


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## DawnD

My MIL and I had a rought start too, and here was our simple solution to work it out until her and I could settle it with each other. First, I had my husband hang out with the kids and his parents a couple of times without me and he made sure to let his parents know that I wouldn't be there. His mom came in and made some snide comments in front of the kids, she was asked to leave. We tried it again, she made a snide comment, she was asked to leave. Third time is a charm, she dropped it and spent time with the kids. Hubby told her before she left if she could manage to be normal like that a few more times then they were more than welcome to visit with the grandchildren. This also gave us some middle ground to work on us. She would call and ask about bday and Christmas presents and got us on a no-fire zone lol. Eventually we both just worked it out. I wanna say it did take about 6 months for that to happen, but it happened!


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## angelikhand

touchy stuf indeed

well my advice
1 you wife your first priority, be by her side

2 you are the man if you refuse to act now the blame will come down on you later

3 for the sake of the kids talk to your mother to back down on your family

4 there is no two mothers and that is the mother of your kids

happy crossroad.....


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## My_family

I m at same exact situation. You guys have opened my eyes. Shown me 'what is right'. 

My mind is clear now. I have lot of things to fix. Thank you once again.


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## Openminded

I think that's between your mom and your wife. Your mom needs to quit involving you. I never involved my son in my disputes with my ex-DIL. They were mine to handle. Mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law often don't get along. And children get held hostage because of it.

If your wife won't take your mom's calls, tell your mom to email (or mail) an apology letter. It might work or it might not but she needs to try.


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## sda

As a woman I expect to be #1 in my husband's world. What this means is, when you are married it implies you trust her. You should BELIEVE her when she says your mother gives her the cold shoulder. Do you doubt yourself and feel you chose a wife who would be making something like that up? If so, then for what reason? My guess is…you trust your wife. You just respect your mama of course and don't want there to be a riff. My fiance is Greek. I am not. His parents are super hostile, passive aggressive etc. towards me. On my first meeting with them, I made coffee…his father took a sip and demonstratively spit it out in front of everyone. His mother thinks I'm flawed in domestic responsibilities because my own mom passed away when I was young and I worked. I didn't cook or clean and she thinks that because I didn't enter into my relationship with him "like her" I am not good enough for him. She doesn't want her son to defer to anyone BUT her. Is this like your mom? Because it is your right to grow up, be a man and have your own family. I FEEL INADEQUATE when my fiance actually believes his mother. It is A reason for me to want to bail out. I resent him for it. In my opinion, part of being a man is understanding and believing your wife as your #1 priority. So…im thinking this is how your wife feels to a degree which is BAD. You need to tell your parents she is your world, you don't want drama…but if she doesn't have parents in her life she probably wants yours to welcome her as a daughter, as their son's partner. Do this and see what happens with the kids' visiting their grandparents. You see…she feels the kids are a part of her and of course sacred beings she wants to cherish. Why would she be over the moon in sharing something so special to her with people she feels rejected by?


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## Hortensia

sisters359 said:


> No, you need to work this out with your parents. Your first loyalty is to your wife. But she should not be allowed to use the kids as hostages against your wishes. You can make arrangements for your parents to see the kids away from your wife, and make sure your parents understand it is inappropriate for them to speak against your wife to the kids-that would be grounds for YOU to keep your kids from your parents, too.
> 
> You need to be careful not to take your parents side in this. Doesn't matter who started it; she's your wife and it's your first responsibility to support her. You can tell her if she's in the wrong, but make sure she knows that is a discussion between you and her and that you would NEVER speak against her to anyone. Refuse to let your mom drag you into anything and make sure your wife knows you've set boundaries with your mom, too. Good luck; touchy stuff!


Ugh, this is why remind me not to have children..sure raise them gave them your best, just to become second fiddle to some stranger who did for them...what?
And one day, when op comes back with a thread 'my wife cheated', we'll see who should have come first then. .

I think you should sit them both dowb together and ask them to reconcile. They should try to get along for your sake. As for the kids they shouldn't be deprived of two loving grand parents just because their of their mom's pride. It's selfish. Dont take any side just tell them both this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ubercoolpanda

What are the reasons why they don't like each other?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962

I have been thru this myself and understand what your wife is dealing with. I do also understand why she would feel that if your mom can't respect her then she does not deserve to see her grandchildren BUT this is not fair to the child being forbidden to see a grandparent. As much as your wife does not like your mom, your children still deserve that bond, or relationship. Taking that away could cause a very opposite effect that would be much worse than letting the child visit.


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## Oatmeal

Just like TAM has scripts about how to behave and what's reasonable to expect and so on, so does the largest in-law site that I'm aware of. OP's wife is acting just as their script dictates: if you can't respect the mom, you don't get access to the kids. If the husband pushes to take the kids to MIL against Mom's wishes, they suggest divorce and then take the kid's to MIL during your visitation.

In general, I agree with this philosophy. If OP loves his wife and wants to remain married, he should not feel stuck in the middle. He should be taking his wife's side and insisting that his parents respect her. There is no middle. Spouse should be first.


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## Somebody2

I'm in this situation as well. My wife and my mom have huge problems. My wife doesnt trust my mom with our kids, and My mom is disgusted and saddened by it. Then of course the numerous cold shoulders, snide comments, ect. from both parties - continues the cycle of hate.

To me its all been really annoying. I love them both, but i dont want to treat my mom the way my wife wishes i would. Set 'boundaries' with her, ect. But my wife constantly threatens to leave me over it. And I'm getting so sick of it I'm actually starting to agree.

But at the same time I want this marriage to work. For our sake and the kids. I just don't know how to get there. Its very difficult for me to take my wifes side when I don't agree with her.


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## tripad

Your wife will leave you one day because of your mother .

And you are starting to agree ? It's shows you are pretty much a mummy's boy n you are siding your mum and hence your wife's frustration . 

Yes . Set boundaries with mother . If your mother is good she wont destroy her son's marriage .


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## frusdil

I have huge issues with my husbands family. Can't stand them and have cut them off from MY life. Hubby knows not to discuss anything about me, our marriage, our day to day life with them.

While I do understand where the OP's wife is coming from re the children, I don't believe it's fair to drag children into adult problems. I had wonderful relationships with both sets of grandparents, and looking back now, I would have missed out on SO much, if anything like this had happened in our family. In my humble opinion, he should be able to take the children to visit with his parents on his own. 

HOWEVER if either of his parents say ONE derogatory, snide thing about his wife, THEN they lose access to their grandchildren. It's so so wrong to disparage a child's parent in front of them, and very damaging to the child.


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## Zero tolerance

I am in a long term relationship and started out friends with his mother. Some difference of opinion began happening about the ex wife as she would claim her disdain for the ex all the while looking for ways to stay in her life. Family member told me she was talking behind my back, then at a party we got into a disagreement which I did not insult her or threaten. The next morning I apologized and she told me if I contact her again she would call the police! My bf went over to talk to her and she slammed the door in his face. I sent email, texts and gift baskets of apology. She rushed and told her son to make a choice between us. His sister who lives with her will not speak to us either and it had nothing to do with her. The mother has scorned my name on social media so my bf called and told her to grow the **** up. She now will not talk to him as she feels he owes her an apology, he feels he does not because of her actions. She has affected his teenage daughter who hears the ex wife bash us and now her grandmother bashes us. His mother just went to the ex wife family house for the holidays! What do we do? She says if he apologizes she will have a relationship with him but not me, we live together and will get married!


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