# Why do older women stop wanting sex?



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

(edit or Men). I know an older lady in her early 60's who has just been recently widowed. When asking her how she was doing, she replied "I said goodbye a long time ago. We have had separate beds for years!". 

This made me feel a tad demoralized. 

I want to have sex for as long as physically possible. What makes that stop?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Just a guess: older men.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

In the case of my wife, what made her stop was two things: (1) her growing anger and hatred of me, and (2) Me.

Until I read NMMNG, the Sex Starved Marriage, and Chapman's 5 languages of love, I had assumed I married a frigid woman. 

What I learned was that I was part of the problem. My love languages are touch and words of affirmation. My wife's are quality time and acts of service. My felt I wasn't helping out enough around the house. Actually she felt that her acts of service were not be reciprocated and so she started to feel unloved. She started to slowly withdraw and stop touching me. Then later she stopped praising me. As years passed by, I worked harder, to get promotions and get more pay (better provider for wife and children) which got me the praise (words of affirmation) I needed to feel loved, but cut even further into my wife's quality time with me (making her feel unloved and making her withdraw farther from me).

This kind of cycle or downward dance is described well in MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.

My wife and I were clueless that this was happening and our marriage was deteriorated in front of us. It got to the point that she refused to have sex with me, because she was so angry with me. Ultimately in NMMNG and Sex Starved Marriage I figured out that I was part of the problem and that I needed to change myself, either to win my wife back or so that I would be happy in my next marriage. Then I discovered Chapman's 5 LL and everything made sense. I started to do things that she felt were acts of service and quality time (not the dishes, not laundry, not grocery shopping or making dinner), but bringing coffee in bed every morning while we both woke up and then talking to her. That way she got her love languages satisfied at the start of each day and felt cherished and loved. Sex was not involved, but her feeling of being loved and cherished allowed my LD wife to push herself to have sex more often.

Now as to me? After one time when she particularly emotionally hurt me while we were making love (a very rare event), I told her enough and that I deserved better. That was a pivotal moment. Also going to a very good Sex Therapist was something that saved our marriage and she only agreed to it after she started to feel loved and cherished, but before the Sex Starved Marriage had ended.

It is really fairly common for couples that get caught in the downward dance to end up hating each other and not having sex.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Lack of estrogen and testosterone.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

anonmd said:


> Lack of estrogen and testosterone.


I thank science for progesterone supplements, estradiol patches, and testosterone cream.


----------



## Lurkster (Feb 8, 2016)

Us Lurksters are in our sixties.
We are both hornier than three-peckered goats. Her....maybe five.....

So....I don't know of older women not wanting sex....

:grin2:


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Lurkster said:


> Us Lurksters are in our sixties.
> We are both hornier than three-peckered goats. Her....maybe five.....
> 
> So....I don't know of older women not wanting sex....
> ...


:laugh:

Haven't "herd" that one in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

anonmd said:


> Lack of estrogen and testosterone.


After menopause my wife said she "no longer had an urge to make babies". We still have sex, it's generally good, different, less hormonal, but still happens regularly :smthumbup:


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

What does "less hormonal" mean, Charlie?


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> What does "less hormonal" mean, Charlie?


I need to rip off your clothes, like right now. A bit more purposeful and less teenage lusty need to ride you right now. If that makes sense.


----------



## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> I thank science for progesterone supplements, estradiol patches, and testosterone cream.


Good for you, sometimes it's not allowable


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

peacem said:


> I want to have sex for as long as physically possible. What makes that stop?


I suspect infidelity.


----------



## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

peacem said:


> I want to have sex for as long as physically possible. What makes that stop?


Realising that your hormones and youthful energy made you available for "love".

Then there were the children that the biological clock demanded (for most women). You looked after and "loved your children in entirely different manner to the way you did when you were younger". Focusing on them and the daily demands.

The hormones shifted, resources changed, you got to put 40 years into growing in a community while the elders moved on and you moved up in expertise, knowledge, wisdom, habits.

The children moved on (especially the eldest girl or the one you were closest too) and while they'll always be your babies, you know that you're interested that they have their own lives... and you also have more time to yourself to do the things you've been working on for 40 years - also you should be in a better financial position at this point to start spending on things you want to do - pick up projects, drop work hours, all those things you've never really been able to prioritise before.

And then there's that old guy who hangs around eating all your food and expecting you to clean the house and do his washing... what's not to get excited about.... (it's not like he's acting like that humorous, sexy young lad who used to be so nice to you)


----------



## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

peacem said:


> (edit or Men). I know an older lady in her early 60's who has just been recently widowed. When asking her how she was doing, she replied "I said goodbye a long time ago. We have had separate beds for years!".
> 
> This made me feel a tad demoralized.
> 
> I want to have sex for as long as physically possible. What makes that stop?


There are many reasons why older women stop wanting sex. Some of those reasons have to do with their partner. Some have to do with themselves. 

The reasons can be physical, for instance. Body changes can occur both externally and internally. Maybe she gained a lot of weight throughout the years, and sex has become physically uncomfortable. Or may she has an unknown disease, such diabetes which is causing her to become more tired than usual. Or her thyroid is out of wack. Or her estrogen is low. 

It can also be psychological/emotional. Maybe she decided that sex should be ONLY for procreation and since she is menopausal, she no longer ‘needs’ to do it. Or, she’s suffering from depression due to a deep dissatisfaction with her own life. Or she found God and no longer believes in sex for ‘fun’.

Of course, it can also be related to her _partner_ for either physical or emotional reasons.

Maybe her partner gained weight and sex is no longer physically comfortable for her. She may be very sexual and will do different positions, etc. But she ONLY might be able to orgasm from the missionary position. If her partner now weighs 80 lbs. more than he used to and refuses to lose weight, she won’t be able to orgasm from missionary (too much weight). Without being able to orgasm, she might feel, “Why bother?” having sex. 

Could also be because her partner stopped practicing good hygiene. Or he has ED and refuses to do anything about it. 

Or perhaps he has his own emotional trauma to deal with that prevents him from being sexual. His partner eventually gives up trying. 

The point is, that there can be any number of reasons why people stop having sex, whether it be temporarily or permanently. 

No one can predict the future.


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I keep telling you cats to marry the right woman or man and you won't have these problems, all the while striving to find a scientific explanation why your wife or husband is not turned on anymore. 
Here's the thing. Things that gave you that tingle when you first got together is the same thing that's gonna give you that tingle later in marriage. If those chiseled features, six pack, bodacious azz and firm, perfect breast are the very thing that made you go for your spouse, whatja gonna do when time and cutting corners wears it down.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> In the case of my wife, what made her stop was two things: (1) her growing anger and hatred of me, and (2) Me.
> 
> Until I read NMMNG, the Sex Starved Marriage, and Chapman's 5 languages of love, I had assumed I married a frigid woman.
> 
> ...


Good for you!! One of the best TAM posts ever.

Each situation it different depending on the needs of the individuals.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Young at Heart said:


> In the case of my wife, what made her stop was two things: (1) her growing anger and hatred of me, and (2) Me.
> 
> Until I read NMMNG, the Sex Starved Marriage, and Chapman's 5 languages of love, I had assumed I married a frigid woman.
> 
> ...


It's very encouraging seeing a poster laying out so clearly where they themselves Missed it... not trying to blame shift or sugar coat it.... Resentment, for a myriad of reasons, can suck the life blood of any couple.. it affects the bedroom shortly after..

The books you mentioned speak so much couples need to get a hold of ...and LIVE , caring for each other. Wonderful to hear how this turned around for you both !


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Marriage is work, but hopefully it's a labor of love. If the libido wanes from time to time, work on it. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There can be feedback in a bad direction. Sex becomes less frequent for miscellaneous reasons. As women get older, its easy for sex to become uncomfortable, and worse if they have gone a long time without. That makes sex less enjoyable, and less frequent.


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

peacem said:


> (edit or Men). I know an older lady in her early 60's who has just been recently widowed. When asking her how she was doing, she replied "I said goodbye a long time ago. We have had separate beds for years!".
> 
> This made me feel a tad demoralized.
> 
> I want to have sex for as long as physically possible. What makes that stop?


Resentment.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Resentment.


That can happen at any age. I don't think older folks have a monopoly on it :wink2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Fozzy said:


> That can happen at any age. I don't think older folks have a monopoly on it :wink2:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is easier not to feel resentment and accept behaviors that are unacceptable early in the relationship, in the glow phase.


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Resentment.


That kind of makes sense. Do you mean resentment over sex or general resentment accumulated throughout the marriage?


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

peacem said:


> That kind of makes sense. Do you mean resentment over sex or general resentment accumulated throughout the marriage?


Either? Both?


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

CharlieParker said:


> I need to rip off your clothes, like right now. A bit more purposeful and less teenage lusty need to ride you right now. If that makes sense.


This is true for me also, and I hate it! I really miss that lusty, desperate, humping your leg desire. I still desire sex but it is no where near as strong a desire as it used to be.


----------



## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Fozzy said:


> That can happen at any age. I don't think older folks have a monopoly on it :wink2:


These are the ones who didn't leave when the resentment started to grow.


----------

