# Cerebral Narcissist



## GONEINWIND (Jun 22, 2016)

Hi ladies and gentlemen if you can help me. This is going to be quite a long post to read. This will need to go to multiple fourm but this is our main problem. Get your popcorn or drink read.:nerd: I am seeking advice before I make a decision to file for divorce even though it will hurt me very badly financially, emotionally spirtually, and mentally to do so.

I met and have been with my husband almost 9 years, but married 3 of those years. We are both in our mid-twenties to late twenties. 

5 years ago we got engaged. Prior to the engagement there had been some problems in our relationship in the past. Some out of our control due to our parents we both do not have good relationships with they had got in the way. The sex was regular, the dates were good. We hadn't lived with each other just yet. Here is where things started to go different. I had never seen my husband have his own establishment. If it was it was like an extended stay because of his credit (his moms fault at the time). I understood why he was in an extended stay. However, since then he has had ABSOLUTELY nothing in his name unless it benefitted him which is the reason for a title of this post. Here is where our issues began. Long before engagement..he lost the extended stay and I had been staying with him on vacation when I didn't work. The night before I flew home and paid (thats right I paid) his flight ticket. I opened my facebook to inform my family I would be arriving at a specific time. Well... I opened the computer on my (then) boyfriend at time and i accidently hit the back button and a message in his inbox showed up from a girl they said "hey daddy" He responded with "whats up" she asked for pics from him. He never responded. I didn't say anything for 5 min after I saw it. Then I said something because I don't like to let stuff simmer. He said this: "I was hooking my friend up and sending her pics of him." This was not the answer I was looking for of course. So got extremely irate that ir carried us all the way home and lead to 4 month breakup moving from house and flying back home. I imediately called bulls**t. I asked him if he was going to cheat and to be honest and I will exit the relationship because prior to that I had been with a consistent cheater (I found out over time and one of the ladies was pregnant) and left him after 3 years. So my husband as of now knows why I am very honest and upfront and knows I don't let things simmer. He promised me he loved me and he never did that. Fast forward to rekindling things as BF and GF. We then got engaged 3 years later. I flew to see him after being notified that he had been very ill. I called and we talked and I helped pay rent and expenses. A few months later after being engaged. I relocated across the country with him on my own with no help. Not even his. For the record, I do not offer to pay for anything which is why I am writing this. I had to put EVERYTHING in my name because of how bad is credit was. At the time I didn't think of anything until I found myself owing a bunch of bills. When I moved, he had promised to help me pay for new furniture (he didn't). I got him a cellphone on my plan and when we got into an argument he then moved away (he moved a lot as a child in foster care so it was no big deal) to another city in the same state and shut his number off and I got faced with a large cellphone bill that was so large I could not pay. He offered to help me but he failed at that. I started to feel like I was the man wearing pants in the house because I paid lights,rent, food, cell, all that. He also had a job in all this but bought gaming system and tvs and all. I surely started to feel that I couldnt give him my body because I started to feel used. I didn't want to think that after being with this man so long. He would promise me that he loves me and everything will be fine. I believed him because he was stuck raising his sibilings being the oldest. After the almost caught him cheating years ago(I had already let it go) I had just started getting a bad taste in my mouth. I started asking him to fix his credit and help me with things. Well........he didnt. I had to take the debt of what he didn't help with. Fast forward to the wedding. He did not have job but surely said he would help me finance the wedding. I had dropped a very large deposit I didn't get back on the venue because no one came. I was already upset. He also did not buy me a ring (1 year later told me I did not deserve it because of me being on his ass about establishments). I bought him a wedding band and also paid for our honey moon. We did not consumate our marriage until the next day because I had to drive back and pay for things I moved into another place where I yet had to put everything in my name and he moved back in. I will stop here to give background on the type of guy he is.

This man is very well educated and IQ is gifted. Excels on every test and never failed a class. Not even in college. Doesn't have a degree but acts and talks like he does. He will correct you and is so highly intelligent he will let you know that you are not smarter than him (hence the title). He is very frugal. We only been on vacation once in our entire relationship. When I want something it is too expensive (which is why I don't have a ring. Even now I paid for my own.). When he wants something he says "there a difference between want and need" and makes me feel like my things do not matter. He also is very forgetful and will not admit. He has lost my keys to my car, played a game for so long he didn't pick me up from work on time; when I ask for dinner to be taken out the freezer he will forget. However, let me bring up something from years ago and he remembers every word I said. Now til this day I suggest we take a trip(we need to rekindle feeling). He said he is not interested because it's expensive and he doesnt have time. He often talks loud to exert his dominance and intelligence when were out with his friends and not mine. I can't get a word in so in the car he will stay I'm quite and at times I wanted to talk I couldn't be heard.

Now, 

We have a child. I understand that once a child is born a spouse may tend to focus more on being a parent. However, we do not have sex cause of these things. When our child was born my husband stopped paying attention to me at a time I was very depressed. He told me my feelings were invaild. The type of sex that makes me happy is emotional and spirtual sex. I wasn't getting that. Just 3 short weeks later after our child was born and my husband became sole provider. We lost our apartment. I also (I shouldnt have) bought a car for him and he agreed to pay it. We lost our car (we had 2) because he was behind and wont admit it even now. It was also on my credit after I made a personal decision about my vehicle to return it because I couldn't put my child in and out of a coupe. The fact I lost another car and a place for our child was even more devestating. I trusted and depended on him and we suffered living with relatives who then gave up on us (because of him being at at home dad long story) and I had to drain my saving I had worked for and moved to another state. I then had to file bankruptcy. I did not feel good about this. I also had to pay for this myself and my husband still didnt offer to help me pay stuff off my credit. I've always been financially stable. I can't stand that even now I do not have a savings. Also still asking about the wedding ring I never got he told me that its a materialism thing. He also doesn't wear his wedding ring because he said he couldn't fit it (I offered resizing). He blames me for all the wrong in our marriage and believes he did nothing wrong (hint: title). When we fight he often blames things on me and I often walk away from the conversation because I've endured years of blame from him and when things went wrong he never said it was his fault and he sorry. He also created a fake Dr's note and I found it on his phone and it said I had an abortion and he threatned to take our child way from me I never had an abortion and I don't support them. He still wont admit he did it. I can only count on one hand how many times he's said it and meant it. I said I wanted a divorce after being tired of his sh*t. He then put them in my face and he already had them. Fast forward a year later he still has them after he said he wanted to fix things. Because of all this I havent been able to give him my body due to stress on every level. I've repeditly brought this to his attention. He continuously says I sh*t on him all the time and what he means by this is ask why he not motivated. I've resorted into smoking weed just to feel emotional security I am looking for. The real emotions wants to tell him to get out and get a job and prove to me he can be a provider and stop making exuses or stories for why he does stuff the way he does it. However, he said he doesn't have anything to prove to me (hint: title). I already asked him to leave and he says he has money but has yet to leave which tells me he doesnt. I really feel like I have the life being sucked out of me. I am so hungry sexually it so hard to try and have sex with with him knowing all of this. I bought a sex toy a few weeks ago and he found it but has not asked about it. I brought it up before I bought it and told him how I felt. One night I came on to him and he rejected me cause he said he had stuff on his mind so I said perfect. He rejected me again and I was severely pissed off and unsatisfied I turned over and went to sleep.He then turned to me minutes later on his account to have sex with me and I wasn't interested anymore because I was hurt of constant rejection. I asked him what was that for he said something about a medical issue but then stated 10 min before he had a lot on his mind. So now I think hes a person whos entirely full of sh*t and wasted a huge part of my life. He does not have an oragasim like he use to and we will have sex and he just can't. I talked to him about his condition and let him know I love him and its okay. He denied it. He often puts our child in the middle of our conversations when we have a discussion about our marriage. On his freetime he goes and play video games instead of taking me on a date. He spends all his time on homework and our son and his hobbies. He says cause I don't connect with is friends but he never hangs out with mine nor does he offer me to hang out and when we do go out I am invisible like always. When I bring these things up he denies those. I feel like being done. He broke me financially, emotionally and mentally.

Guys I have asked to go to counseling for so many years but when you are dealing with a narcissist that says those doctors are idiots you lose hope. My friends are not married and neither are his. I don't have anyone to talk to this is my very first post and I need to know if I need to make the hurtful decision. I don't know If I can last a lifetime with this. I can't have sex with a liar. He still doesn't have a job because he claims he can't work and go to school when I have done it this whole time. He's taken his sweet time to do what he wants in life. I feel like he wanted his child and as long as he as nerds and a game and his child he is happy. Now I am in a position where I am at a job that suddenly doesn't pay enough and emergencies are coming up and he cannot help me. I can't force myself to be turned on. Our child loves their father and it's going to mess it up to split us up. 
Im scared how this will unfold to everyone and how financially it will impact me to a point I wont have any help (family has drained me too). I also have no close relatives that are near me at the moment. I can't move because he has already said I can't have our child most of the time. I am stuck. The only thing to is for me to fix it. In my heart I love him for the guy he was to me romanticly but we do no have sex or go on a date or even have dinner together and I am often paying for dinner and every expense in the house. He complains I don't give him sex but how can a woman would when she don't even feel stable? I also asked for another baby when things get better and he brushes it off. I've been wanting to have this conversation with a close relative of his but I am scared they will call him and I am scared I can't confide in them. I am sure they probably wont say anything but it's hard not having anyone to talk to for years.

Please help me..


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm sorry you're having a troubling time right now. 
Your husband has a troubled past and may never be the ideal guy you need/want him to be. 

There is a certain amount of resentment in your marriage. 
You resent him for his lack of job and financial support and his lack of payment for things over the years (wedding, rings etc) 

The reason why I think he's refusing sex with you is because he probably has an instinct in regards to your feelings about him. 
He also has some note? So you cannot leave him and have custody of your child? Is that correct? 

It will take some time before you guys will get back to the emotional & spiritual sex you want right now. 

What exactly do you need to make things better? 
-Him to get a job
-More Date Nights
-To acknowledge your feelings




Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I am sorry to read this and the pain you are feeling.

The thing I notice in your post, is all the blame is on him. You don't acknowledge anything you are doing wrong. I know it's hard to do that, but when a marriage is failing, it is rarely one sided...we all have areas we need to improve on. So consider looking at yourself also to see where you could become a better wife to him. Remember, when pointing the finger at him, you have three pointing back at you.

That being said...you picked him. This wasn't a bait and switch situation. While dating, you accepted the fact that he didn't have good credit, you had to put everything in your name, you were the bread winner, and you paid for the majority of the stuff in your lives. You allowed him to use you this way. He may have said that was going to change, but you opted to get engaged to him in this state, then you went on to marry him, and then you did the ultimate, you procreated with him. Now you are upset with him being exactly the same way he was when you picked him. 

Now he is being punished by you using sex as a weapon, and turning to drugs as an outlet. By withholding sex, you are putting both of you in a dangerous situation, and when he cheats, you will point back to that email from nearly a decade ago, and put all the blame on him again.

I think the way your husband acts and operates is beyond annoying. That would make me batsh!t crazy too. It's not that I don't see your side of it. It sounds like he needs to grow up, and stop being a douche. Is he going to? Probably not. This is the way he has always been. But you knew that. If you don't want to put up with it anymore, then you can leave...but realize that he is the same man you married, but you are no longer the same woman. You don't want to have sex with him anymore. You don't accept him for who he is anymore. You want him to change who he is. Is that fair? You have to answer that.

One of the most absurd things you said is that you are so miserable with him, but you want to have another kid with him? Huh??? In what world does that make any sense???

All your friends are single, and it sounds like you want to be single also. Then do it. But don't put all the blame on him. Acknowledge that you expected him to become someone else after you married him, and he didn't, and that's why you want out of your marriage.

I hope for the sake of your son you can work this out and become happy in your life and marriage. Consider independent counseling and marriage counseling, perhaps they can help you both. 

I do wish you all the best.


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