# Need help. Mostly asking the guys. *Graphic*



## samdew9 (Jun 10, 2013)

So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months. 

So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store. 

But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Honest answer - I don't think you can just get rid of those images and thoughts. Try some marriage counseling and maybe some on your own too. I hope you can work through it and get over it. Expect it to take time and she needs to work with you on it too. Sorry to hear this has happened to you and that you are having to deal with it. All the best x


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Not sure of the answer to your question as it varies with individuals.

Wiser posters will chip in I'm sure.

What would worry me is the feeling that now Mr Wonderful has gone out of state and he is being deployed suddenly your wife wants good old dependable Samdew back, Mr plan B.

And it only happened once?

Really?

You have heard of the cheater statement translator haven't you?

"We only kissed" = "We had sex."

"We only did it once." = "We went at it like bunnies several times."

"We used protection." = "We went bareback."

"We didn't do oral." = You've guessed it.

"We didn't do anal" = You've guessed it.

And are you sure of the real reason she is struggling to write the letter?


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

WyshIknew - yep, more talking needed here and marriage counseling might help. I know some couples can get over an affair, i know i couldn't even if I wanted to ... I've tried ... a lot of times ... but I can't get it out of my head and the trust is gone. Hopefully a qualified counselor and both sides putting in enough will be enough, I hope so x


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Time. These ugly images are driving you nuts because you just got this news. They will subside and be replaced with better ones, but it'll take time.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> It only happened once and it destroyed her inside.


No it didn't, but if you must believe that to be the truth, along with anything else she throws your way, then accept it at your own peril. Just remember, she's a lying deceptive cheater and you have no valid reason to believe anything she says. 



samdew9 said:


> She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him.


See my comment above.



samdew9 said:


> How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away???


The images will never go away as long as you stay with her. 

You probably won't have those images if you're with someone new. 



samdew9 said:


> I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying.


That's very considerate of you. Was she considerate of you when she was having sex with him?

Why does she deserve better?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Individual counseling. A counselor that has experience with infidelity and PTSD is a must. Good luck.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

You have forgiven her? And she cannot even write the NC letter?

Those images will always be there. Until she does it again. Then those old nightmares and pukes in the mouth will be replaced with the new ones.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I read through your back posts.

You suspected cheating for a long time and she repeatedly denied.

Then she flaunted her "friendship" with the OM right in your face.

You said you understood the need to file for divorce to show her you were serious.

She's still lying to you, you never filed for divorce, she didn't write the letter to the other man, she did nothing but give you a small bit of truth, and you simply folded and forgave her. Inside you're suffering and devastated but you hide it from her because you no longer feel safe and secure with her. 

Sorry but she won't respect you and deep down you probably don't respect yourself. That's why the images are especially disturbing. 

You have no resolution. Only half truths and lies.


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying.


It's good you don't let her see you crying but... she bloody well should feel guilty. Don't rugsweep this. She's supposed to help you through this (the heavy lifting); she's the one who CHOSE to cheat.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

So she cries three times and you forgive her, thats all it took?

she not even willing to write a No contact letter..

This is called rugsweeping, this is not good, there are no consequences because "she feels bad" 

It may feel like you are doing the right thing but you are not.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

lenzi said:


> I read through your back posts.
> 
> You suspected cheating for a long time and she repeatedly denied.
> 
> ...


Bingo!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You're not going to like this answer. But lying to you won't help. 

I am a year out from DDay. Actually almost 18 months.
I still have the images. 
I divorced before Christmas of last year, and I still get them. 

What happens is, after a few months, they become less frequent if her attempts to reconcile are truthful and genuine. And she'll be there to calm you down. 
But that only last for so long. 
Because if you are like me, when the dates start rolling around, you'll trigger again. And it will be the same, if not worse. 

This time last year, I was trying to reconcile. And little did I know, but the next two-three months would be murderous, because that is when the affair picked up. 
I thought about the first time she told me they kissed. The times it went further, and I remember feeling that sick, sinking feeling in my stomach as the dates came and went. 

And it stayed that way. And it didn't get better right away for me, because as the dates progressed on, so did the affair. Their kissing on Christmas, their 'mistake' on New Years at the work party, their 'day of catching up' after Valentine's Day. 

Even after I divorced, it was hell. 
They went physical for the first time on January 1st. I had already been divorced for two weeks before that date last year, and I still triggered horribly. 

The movies don't forget you. They stay and haunt you until eventually, you stop thinking about it so much. 
And the only thing that does that? 
Time. 


And I will say this, because you are going to contemplate it:

Divorce doesn't fix the situation. 
What divorce does, is stops them from hurting you further by betraying you again. It cuts them from your life, and it is a way of saying "I am done with you." It is a way of, assuming they wanted to save the marriage, hurting them the way they hurt you. 

But it won't fix you. 
I divorced thinking it would help. I thought "Great, no more triggers, no more of those torturing mind movies, no more of that. I am going to enjoy my life."
It doesn't end like that. You still have them. 
But the frequency that you get them does go down because you don't see the person that stars in those horrific dreams is gone. 

But they don't go away with divorce. No immediately.


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

They had sex one time? REALLY? WAKE UP. You can't forgive your wife if you don't know what you're forgiving.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lenzi said:


> No it didn't, but if you must believe that to be the truth, along with anything else she throws your way, then accept it at your own peril. Just remember, she's a lying deceptive cheater and you have no valid reason to believe anything she says.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


That may be true. Or it may not be true. You are, in my opinion, making an unwarranted supposition. 

You can say: "Well, if X happened to me, I'd do so-and-so."

You can't say that the OP will feel the same. Why? Because you aren't he.

OP, this will require some help for you from your wife (that's the heavy lifting concept, right there) from a counsellor and also from yourself.

One thought that did help me was: "If my wife's lover had been so good, why is she with me and not him?"

I tended to bury thoughts of them having sex really deep.

Due to circumstances I did not have counselling as my wife was then a practising psychologist/counsellor and I did not want her colleagues/friends to know about our marital problem.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> That may be true. Or it may not be true. You are making an unwarranted supposition.
> 
> You can say: "Well, if X happened to me, I'd so so-and-so."
> 
> ...


In this case I suspect it was because she was dumped.

Yours was a strange case anyway Matt, didn't your wife tell you right at the start of her affair that she would return to you once she had had her fling with OM?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> In this case I suspect it was because she was dumped.
> 
> Yours was a strange case anyway Matt, didn't your wife tell you right at the start of her affair that she would return to you once she had had her fling with OM?


Yep. It was a strange case. Still found myself suffering from an erectile dysfunction first few times we made love, though, so I do know a bit about how damaging this kind of stuff is to the ego.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why is she struggling writing the no contact letter. It's pretty cut an dry.

--------------------------------
(OP),

I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk with you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that (BS) did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay (BS) for the pain I have caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she’s been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely,
(WS)
------------------------

That's it. That's the letter. NOTHING personal about the affair, him, etc. The NC letter is about her showing respect for you.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

lenzi said:


> The images will never go away as long as you stay with her.
> 
> You probably won't have those images if you're with someone new.


Lenzi, I agree with you on all but this. Assuming you're correct, then there would be no reason to ever consider reconciliation. I don't buy that, and about 70% of the marriages that HAVE recovered from infidelity would support that it can be done.

Samdew, there's no easy path here. It just takes time, and it also takes full disclosure of what happened. You have NOT gotten that. There is more, and until you get the full truth to the depths of the betrayal, your mind will never rest. She needs to understand that keeping the truth from you is not "helping" you, but harming you and your chances at recovery in ways she can't even begin to imagine. The truth shall set her free.

Look, the old marriage is, dead, dead, DEAD! What you should be focusing on right now is building a new marriage, along with new boundaries. Education of how these things occur, and how to take steps in preventing them from ever happening again is critical to long term happiness. These things can happen to anyone. It happens to great marriages as well as rough ones. Just look around, bro.

Yes, it can be done, but first comes full disclosure. As long as she is still lying and hiding what really went on (and she IS), then you are nothing more than truly fvcked, and doomed for either a false recovery or a full blown betrayal with someone else. Meh, you don't want that. 

The images and mind movies will wane over time, but they won't even begin to until she has come completely clean, because your imagination will NOT allow it to. And we guys have some pretty serious imaginations.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

BK23 said:


> *They had sex one time? * REALLY? WAKE UP. You can't forgive your wife if you don't know what you're forgiving.


*Yeah, sure! They had sex only one time! You can take it to the bank ~ greatly like having fresh Cherry Cheesecake ~ they ate the whole damn thing, and then sent out for yet another! The flashbacks that you're referring to are richly known as "Mind Movies!" 

It took me well over a year to quit having them about my STBXW and her lardass BF. But now, I just smile when I have them, just likening her to being assaulted by a walrus! I would greatly think that she had to lift that belly of his up in order to find an appendage of some kind!

In your case: Individual Counseling, Pronto!

And also get yourself checked out for STD's! You certainly don't need that bastard leaving you with his cooties as a lasting souvenir!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> Lenzi, I agree with you on all but this. Assuming you're correct, then there would be no reason to ever consider reconciliation. I don't buy that, and about 70% of the marriages that HAVE recovered from infidelity would support that it can be done.
> 
> Samdew, there's no easy path here. It just takes time, and it also takes full disclosure of what happened. You have NOT gotten that. There is more, and until you get the full truth to the depths of the betrayal, your mind will never rest. She needs to understand that keeping the truth from you is not "helping" you, but harming you and your chances at recovery in ways she can't even begin to imagine. The truth shall set her free.
> 
> ...


I just realised something. Perhaps, just perhaps my wife's decision to engineer a meeting between her lover and myself was the right decision?

He was not what I'd expected. Far from it. Very, very ordinary, in fact.


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## miraa (Sep 12, 2013)

I also wish i knew how to stop the mind movies

I agree with the others, her difficulty writing the letter and your protection of her from your own feelings does not sound good.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

miraa said:


> I also wish i knew how to stop the mind movies
> 
> I agree with the others, her difficulty writing the letter and your protection of her from your own feelings does not sound good.


Morituri might be able to help with some advice. He had to get pretty deep counselling not to stop thinking about mind movies, but of the very real movie of his wife having sex with her lover that her lover sent to Morituri.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I just realised something. Perhaps, just perhaps my wife's decision to engineer a meeting between her lover and myself was the right decision?
> 
> He was not what I'd expected. Far from it. Very, very ordinary, in fact.


Why did she do that? The ordinary part is no surprise to me as adulterers tend to step down the ladder and not up, but initiating the meeting is between the two of you is. Unless (maybe), she was trying to "comfort" you in showing what she got involved with? That you were the better man?

That's an odd one, Matt.

How did it make you feel? Were you aware he was the one before you met him, or after?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Morituri might be able to help with some advice. He had to get pretty deep counselling not to stop thinking about mind movies, but of the very real movie of his wife having sex with her lover that her lover sent to Morituri.


I dont think Mori's ex-wife's lover sent the movie to Mori. Mori accidently found the movie on his ex-wife's PC.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Samdew women have strong imaginations too! It just take time.

I have been in R for 15 months and mind movies with him and the OM were constant for five long months. Images of him inside her.... It use to make me literally vomit. 

It just takes time.The feelings will be less intense. I hardly think about it now and when I do, I shrug it off very quickly as its not worth my time. My partner and I are in a really good place and we laugh together like we use to. Our sex is still a struggle but that's because he suffers from ED due to his cheating. But we are working on that one too.

All I can say is that your partner needs to show compassion. Dont hide anything from her. If you trigger let her know! No matter what little detail or concern you have, voice it to her. Better out than in other wise there will be growing resentment.

If she gets annoyed then she needs to understand that she put you in this mess and SHE needs to make it right. She will not help you heal if she hides things. HONESTY is the only way to combat all mind movies and what ifs.

She also needs to understand why she cheated too.Try MC as the therapist will put a different perspective to your situation. 

Also YOU don't use this as an excuse to vent either. If you want to R then you need to show her that you want to trust her again by giving her the chance to prove herself.

Time and effort to rebuild from both partners will stop your mind movies.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I dont think Mori's ex-wife's lover sent the movie to Mori. Mori accidently found the movie on his ex-wife's PC.


That's how I remember it too. He accidentally came upon it on some online video or photo storing account of his wife. She obviously didn't mean for him to see it and started throwing up when she saw that he saw it.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

everyone is focusing on the likelihood the wife had multiple intimate encounters when the poor OP is asking how to get the images out of his head. he didn't ask our opinion of his wife's infidelity activity.

first, it will likely take time for the images to diminish Try to focus only on the moment. act, not think. my wife was married before but i don't brink her ex into the bedroom. i never ask what she did with him or think about comparisons focus on the moment, not the past.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Maneo said:


> everyone is focusing on the likelihood the wife had multiple intimate encounters when the poor OP is asking how to get the images out of his head. he didn't ask our opinion of his wife's infidelity activity.
> 
> first, it will likely take time for the images to diminish Try to focus only on the moment. act, not think. my wife was married before but i don't brink her ex into the bedroom. i never ask what she did with him or think about comparisons focus on the moment, not the past.


But that was an ex.

She wasn't bonking him while she was married to you.

And those images won't disappear while he is still being lied to. And while he is being trickle truthed.

It seems almost pointless giving the patient treatment for a broken arm and ignoring the gaping wound in his chest.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree, you didn't ask about your wife's infidelity Sam....but it is very odd that she seems to be getting more thought for her feelings than you are yours. I would also point out, if she is reluctant to write a NC letter because 'She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him', this is likely to be a lie. If she was true in her wish to make amends she would write a NC letter immediately. She would WANT to write it...not only to tell him it is over for good, but more so to display to you her wish for it to be over and her wish to show and do anything to prove that. If she wants it over, she would end it officially. By not writing the letter she is leaving the affair open. Open to be rekindled. She is not bringing closure because she doesn't want closure. She is not tying up loose ends because she want to keep them ready to grab on to again. 

Her reluctance to write NC letter shows in her actions something very different to her words. Be very careful Sam. 

As for the mind movies, you have to reclaim your wife. You have to have sex as often as you can and reclaim your territory that she gave to another. 

It took about 6 months maybe for them to begin to subside, well over a year to become a little less frequent. 2+ years post DD and they are now a rare thing. I guess circumstances of what who and how affect this time frame also.

However, if the remorse is not there, if your wayward is not truly committed, you will find the mind movies are continuous, not necessarily about the past affair, more so now about the one that may be happening while you are out for the evening without her, while she is out for the evening, while you are at work, she at work, the colleague, the friend, the stranger, the old affair partner. Every bit of slightly suspicious activity brings strong mind movies of all that could he happening right now!

I wish you clarity and luck.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Maneo said:


> my wife was married before but i don't brink her ex into the bedroom. i never ask what she did with him or think about comparisons focus on the moment, not the past.


This is a comparison of magificently innaccurate and ridiculous proportions. This is not a forum entitled 'my wife is not a virgin and I cannot cope'! 

Never read such an unbelievable comparison in a very long time.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*She did it because she either lost respect for you either permanently or short-term, or she just had an insatiable aching within her loins to go out and experience herself a little bit of covert "strange;" greatly figuring that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you!.

So before you actively commit to reconciliation, may I recommend two exceptional books for you to read ~ The Married Man's Sex Life by Athol Kay and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover. They're both well-written with a lot of foresight and purport flat-out common sense.*


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

arbitrator said:


> *She did it because she either lost respect for you either permanently or short-term, or she just had an insatiable aching within her loins to go out and experience herself a little bit of covert "strange;" greatly figuring that what you didn't know wouldn't hurt you!.
> 
> So before you actively commit to reconciliation, may I recommend two exceptional books for you to read ~ The Married Man's Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy both by Athol Kay. They're both written with a lot of foresight and flat-out common sense.*



I thought NMMNG was by Robert Glover?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Op I do not believe you should be hiding your feelings from your wayward wife. She should se the damage she has caused and be an active participant in the healing process. 

Also just my .02. It seems to me that you are being forgiving way to soon. She is so disgusted with him that she can't even write the letter. That makes no sense. This was more than a one time hit and run. I hope you were both tested for stds. You can bank that protection was likely not used.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make to her??


I don't think I could, which is why I'm pretty sure I'd nuke my marriage after finding out something like that. I would assume that you're only hearing the G-rated version of their "one time." 


WyshIknew said:


> I thought NMMNG was by Robert Glover?


That's correct.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Be very careful that you do not do this Samdew.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.
> 
> *So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter.* She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.
> 
> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.


I think you are just waiting for her confession to forgive her A. She confessed yesterday and you forgived her then and there.

But do you know what you forgived? She told you its over, she told you many thing while in her A, was it all truth? Why she is struggling with the letter?


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

I can’t advise on when the mind movies go away, but I can attest to the fact that it does subside over time and becomes much more bearable.

Let me take you a little farther into your future, though: once the pain subsides and you gain a much healthier balance between your logic and your emotions, you’re going to wake up one day and find yourself married to an adulterous woman who has betrayed you in the worst-possible fashion, shown the propensity to lie unto death in the face of irrefutable evidence, threw you under the bus and blamed you for her lack of character, demonstrated that she will sell out anything and everything that’s precious to you to indulge in gross self-gratification and, subsequently, save her own skin.

On top of all that, your memory will record how, upon your discovery of her betrayal, she insisted on you tending to the wounds she inflicted on herself and, in desperation, turned to you to protect her from the consequences of her decisions. As you were struggling to keep your head above water and save yourself from drowning, she climbed on your back to save herself.

Once you reach this point, you’re going to find yourself holding a mortgage that’s deep, deep, under water. Your marriage is worth much less than the investments you’ve put into it, but you’re stuck with the tab. You’re going to have to decide whether you’re willing to wait and see if the market will eventually allow you to recoup your investments, or if you should just bail, take the hit, and start over with a more suitable investment.

It’s your inclination, under duress of the emotions that are ruling you at the moment, to try to fix everything and reconcile. I recommend you hold off on making that decision until 1) you KNOW FOR A FACT, that you have ALL of the truth, and 2) you’ve healed enough to be able to look at your future a little more objectively. 

In the case of number 1, you MUST disregard everything she tells you, as she is in a frenzied CYA mode and every word that comes out of her mouth is designed to deceive you or deflect the truth. Find out the truth for yourself, using every means possible.

Reconciliation is hard. I think it’s much harder than dissolution. That’s my experience, for what it’s worth.

Good luck, bro.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I thought NMMNG was by Robert Glover?


*I totally stand corrected, humbly apologize, and will amend my previous post as such! Many thanks, Wysh!*


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

JustGrinding said:


> I can’t advise on when the mind movies go away, but I can attest to the fact that it does subside over time and becomes much more bearable.
> 
> Let me take you a little farther into your future, though: once the pain subsides and you gain a much healthier balance between your logic and your emotions, you’re going to wake up one day and find yourself married to an adulterous woman who has betrayed you in the worst-possible fashion, shown the propensity to lie unto death in the face of irrefutable evidence, threw you under the bus and blamed you for her lack of character, demonstrated that she will sell out anything and everything that’s precious to you to indulge in gross self-gratification and, subsequently, save her own skin.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


And, although Mr Wonderful is going to be away on deployment I assume that at some point he will be back.

I wonder if that is why she is having difficulty writing the letter............


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Stop saying you forgive her, I don't think that is what you mean.

I think you are saying you are willing to R with her.

Forgiveness means you've forgotten it and will never give consequences or ask actions of her.

She won't write the letter because she doesn't want to admit its over and doesn't want him to see her choosing you. In other words, she's refusing to write it because doing so will make her look bad to him.

She's choosing herself and how he sees her over your feelings and requests.

She maybe has stopped having sex with him, but she has not returned to being you faithful loving loyal wife.

You are just the guy she's married to.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.


No. She felt alive, wanted, excited. She felt all the things for this other man she hasn't felt in years. 

You're hearing what a judge hears day in and day out. "Your honor, I was dumb, but now im prepared to go to church and I feel real bad." 

She saying what she's supposed to say. 


samdew9 said:


> So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.


Wow just like that? A wink of the eye, a bit of trickle truth, and bam. 

Use your head. 




samdew9 said:


> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today.


I went through this, like many, and chances are *the trickle truth isn't over.* This will keep the mind movies playing a lot longer than they should. 

If you don't bury your head in the sand you'll learn more, and each will be a new little knife sending you back in time. 

I'll explain my process and maybe that will help. 

I cried off and on for a few weeks/months. But I never let her see it. I talked to family and friends for support. I didn't sleep for the first week after DDay. I didn't eat. I felt dead inside. I thought about suicide. It's an inescapable hell. I didn't eat for 3 weeks.

Around FWW and others I acted like I took it in stride, I acted "strong". That gave me some measure of power and a feeling of some kind of control. 

I felt like my life had been taken. 

But after the first month or so, even during the mind movies and still in the middle of the pain, it occurred to me how much FWW had taken. I decided that I'd given enough, and that after this act of betrayal I would give no more. I would not sacrifice years spent in misery. 

Around the end of month 1 I began to take care of myself. Even though at the time I was still hurting. 

I bought new clothes, decided to lose weight, decided this was a chance that few truly get: the offer to rebuild your life as you like. 

It began to feel like my house had burned down, and I had just received a check from the insurance company to start over. 

I soon realized this was the excuse i'd always secretly wished for, a good excuse to do the things I wanted, to put the effort into myself I put into pleasing a FWW who i could never seem to please. Instead of concentrating on her affair, being focused on it, almost obsessed, I began to put all that wasted effort into myself. 

When I began that, the mind movies started to become more and more rare. 

By month 4 they were maybe once every day or two. By month 5-6 they were even more rare. 

Im in month 9 and except when i'm on this forum I don't really think about it, or even remember. Once in awhile I get a reminder, but they're fleeting. 

Thinking back, the first major step I can remember where I felt hopeful was a seemingly small thing: I almost got into a bar fight. (I'm not saying go get into a bar fight lol) 

But me standing up for myself was when I realized "holy crap, I'm changing." It was a major step. 

We all have a little nagging monkey on our back. Mine was letting FWW wear me down over all those years. I had no spine. 

It was when I realized I still had one that things began to move on the upside. 

Reading a lot and discovering how to better myself helped a lot. I think rebuilding that reassurance that i'm not worthless is important. Once you believe in yourself, it opens a lot of doors. 

All this stuff i started doing way back took on a life of it's after a few months. I lifted weights, worked out, did things I wanted all because _I decided I actually liked myself_. It snow balls, and 9 months later its humming along strong.

But the process started all by me faking it. I started taking care of myself even while depressed, rather than the other way around.




samdew9 said:


> But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying.


This is 103 flavors of wrong. Worry about #1, i'd say you earned it.

When they say work on yourself, focus on yourself, it's because it works.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Maneo said:


> everyone is focusing on the likelihood the wife had multiple intimate encounters when the poor OP is asking how to get the images out of his head. he didn't ask our opinion of his wife's infidelity activity.


Sometimes people don't ask the right questions.

It's like someone asking "I'm about to step out of the house into a 60 mile an hour freezing, blinding blizzard, should I take the red umbrella or the green one".

There will always be helpful posters such as yourself who might say "the red will contrast better against the falling snow".

The correct answer of course, is neither "red" or "green", it's "stay inside the house until the storm goes away". 




Maneo said:


> my wife was married before but i don't brink her ex into the bedroom. i never ask what she did with him or think about comparisons focus on the moment, not the past.


Except that this affair wasn't in the PAST, it happened in the PRESENT. 

I know, those pesky little facts!


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. *Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair*. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.
> 
> *So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over.* She said that it is. *Although she is struggling with writing the letter*. *She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. *The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.
> 
> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.


Keep digging there is more to this story. I'm not buying her version of events. Personally, i'd ask for a polygraph test - she is holding things back. She just wants it to be over? HELL no - an affair is never "just over" - this will never fully be over for you. It will stay with you for the rest of your life. Her needs in all this are secondary - she should be focusing on helping you heal. Your wife not wanting to write the NC letter is a red flag for me . Please sd9 take your time an unravel the complete story for your own sake. 

You need to consult and IC to begin to work on you. With or without her you need to fortify yourself. Triggers are a b!tch to deal with - sometimes they will h it you out of nowhere and be sharp - they will dull in time but the hurt will last a lifetime. Cheaters are so reckless with other peoples lives - they are the drunk drivers of relationships....


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Divorce her, get a new woman. Boom mind movies gone, it will be replaced with a new love and you won't give a crap about the previous woman.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

You have a whole LOT more to worry about then mind movies. Better study up and man up on how to deal with that's happening and stop ignoring what she has done.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So your wife's lover is gone, and is going wherever he is being sent 

That is a very definite possibility, why your wife has all of a sudden "outed" herself----she isn't necessarily over him---there just seems to be no future for them at present, and into the future

She isn't over him, that's why she can't send the NC letter---and she is probably just going to ride out her life with you till he comes back

You are getting sex, and a much improved marital life---cuz she knows she has to mend her fences with you---to stay in a decent situation---she certainly doesn't want you D'ing her and forcing her to work long and hard just to make ends meet, if she is alone, as a D'ed single woman.

You better believe---she had sex more than once----you also better ---NOT BELIEVE, anything that comes from her lips

She has been lying to you, for a long time, along with her manipulation, and deceitful planning----you can ask her till the cows come home, is she over her lover, and you know you cannot trust her to give you an honest answer

There is no future for this mge---down the line---if you do not get the issue of why she is back, and all of a sudden so wonderful to you, RESOLVED,--

--remember for a good period of time, she treated you like dirt neath her feet, and felt like she owed you NOTHING---you were just her windbag of a H------again I ask you----WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN THE CHANGE

If you do move forward with this----there MUST be accountability on her part---she must do the heavy lifting to make it all right---and the amount of sex if just a tiny part, of the whole marital situation

She needs IC, after that you both need to either talk to each other truthfully, which she may not be able to do, or you need to go to MC

As to your visions---you got a lot of answers, and all of them apply---what actually will happen, depends on you, and it depends on whether, you are faced with looking at the trigger day after day---for she is the trigger----if she is gone---in time the visions may start to lessen----it just depends on your sub--conscious, and that you have no control over

As to her lover---yes he is a POS, scum---and he smirked at you---KNOWING he took your wife from you------BUT---------------BUT FOR---your wife participating in this with him---you would not be here, would you-----there is in all honesty---one and ONLY ONE person to blame for the misery you are in, that is the person who took VOWS WITH YOU, and then who turned around and spit on them------she and only she is to blame for your misery----AT ANY TIME SHE COULD HAVE REPULSED HER LOVER, TOLD HIM SHE WAS MARRIED, AND TO GO TO HE*L----SHE DID NOT---that and that alone is WHY YOU ARE HERE


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.
> 
> So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.
> 
> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But *I don't want her to feel guilty* so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.




The truth will help you let go of the movies. As long as you're getting a small portion of truth (and you know it), you're going to try to play the rest out in your head. Let her know that your trust is broken, and any more lies will just damage any tiny amount of trust you've regained. The only chance for R is for her to stop playing you for a fool and tell you the truth, the whole truth.. leaving nothing out. Once that's done, the mind movies will diminish. You need to make it clear to her that it's honesty, or divorce. Period. Through honesty, you rebuild trust and intimacy.. without it, she's still playing cruel games with your heart.

So yes, you do want her to feel guilty.. she should feel guilty. She's guilty.

You need to be strong, to show her why you're 100 times the man her OM is/was.. let her know what she's about to lose if she doesn't stop with the bull, make it clear to her your value, and his lack of value. Let her know that you no longer adore her and give her unconditional love and admiration. That she was supposed to be the one to have your back, and she took your treasure and gave it to another man. Tell her to start telling you the truth, that it's something you deserve, it's something you haven't been getting.. her respect, and a good start to showing you that she still has some shred of respect for you is by stopping with the fairy tales. If you get any 'just kissed' stuff... remind her that you're not an idiot, and ask for what really happened... Let her know you're taking charge of the situation.

Next time she insults your intelligence with a comment like 'only did it one time', remind her that you're not an idiot, and that you know she lies, so why would you believe something so absurd. Tell her that even if she did it one time, you're not going to buy it.. so she may as well just tell you the truth since your imagination will probably make it much worse.... then say "so was it like every day? twice a day?" and she'll be like 'that's crazy' and you say 'is it? how do I know?' when she says 'one time', say 'one time a day not two?, because one time ever, that sounds like total bull to me, I doubt there's a person alive that would believe that one coming from you right now... ' 

You get the idea.

Knock her out of that fog... don't worry about her feelings until she starts worrying about yours over the OMs.

Tell her that minimizing what happened isn't stopping you from hurting, holding back the whole story, that's making you hurt more. Honesty will set you both free.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

3putt said:


> Why did she do that? The ordinary part is no surprise to me as adulterers tend to step down the ladder and not up, but initiating the meeting is between the two of you is. Unless (maybe), she was trying to "comfort" you in showing what she got involved with? That you were the better man?
> 
> That's an odd one, Matt.
> 
> How did it make you feel? Were you aware he was the one before you met him, or after?


I knew who he was. It made me feel crushed an pretty worthless at the time.

But then I thought: "He's not all that, after all."

My wife tends to have an odd way of looking at life. It's either entertaining or :wtf: to be honest.:


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I read through your back posts.
> 
> You suspected cheating for a long time and she repeatedly denied.
> 
> ...


Worth repeating.. 

Everyone here has given you sound advice..

Look take it from an a$$shole that went through something like this 4 times before his wife left.. 

You need to let her know you're not going to take an ounce of sh1t from her or any of her bullsh1t excuses. She needs to know you mean it. 

If you want this marriage to work you need to be ready to let it go.. Trust me the effort and heartache you do today will help you in the long run. If you let this slip by too easy and rugsweep this like I did.. She will eventually grow more ballz and eventually leave you and in the end she will blame YOU for it.. 

You think my wife took into consideration all those times I had to deal with what she did ? The emotional issues I had to deal with afterwards ? The Triggers ? 

Imagine I went through this 3 times.. You think my wife said my god I have a saint for a husband, how the fvck could I do this to him ?

Absolutely not... In the end I got the phantom blame.. Yea, you eventually figure out its not your fault but you're kicking yourself in the head later for being a fool and believing it. 

As for the mind movies which is your question.. No your not gonna forget them. But you will grow to accept it and eventually like was said they will be replaced with something else.. 

Once the love comes back you will let it go.. But everyone is different. For me 9 months after she left and almost a year since DDay ( sept 25th ) I've dated several woman and have moved on the best I can with my life with my 2 boys..

Other people are devastated for years after being married only 5 years.. So what sort of took me 9 months might take others 2 years.. 

Do counseling and therapy.. Talk to friends.. Talk here.. Personally I spoke with everyone I could and would listen.. For me it was easy since everyone seen I lost 75 LBS and asked me how I did it.. I always told them have your wife leave you and you will lose it fast. Plus sometimes friends and even acquaintances know a single friends that you can meet.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

I wouldn't worry about the mind movies so much. Your biggest problem is gonna be what happens in a couple months when this guy come back into town and calls up your wife to pick things up again. Your wife not wanting to write and mail him a nc letter tells you everything you need to know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samdew9 (Jun 10, 2013)

Thank you everyone. She actually confessed more to me last night. Basically stuck to the only did it once. But there was other times of touching and oral. She seemed to be more open to writing the NC letter as well. She also said that she can see that we are not going to get through this as long as I have questions going through my mind and that whatever I want to know I need to just ask her. But the thing is, do I really want to know some of this stuff? I mean yes, I want to know when the first physical contact was, how they avoided detection and so forth. But I don't know if I want to know if she spit or swallowed. Even though that stuff goes through my mind all of the time it seems. After she told me what she told me last night, I could start to piece it together. I could almost pinpoint the dates that she did stuff with him based on her countenance. But I feel like the dad in a River Runs Through It when his son is killed. He wanted to know every little detail down to which bones were broken and where. I struggle with wanting to know every minute detail even though I know that I don't want to hear it. But I feel like I need to hear it so that my mind can't wander at all and then maybe I can heal quicker. When she told me that he was being deployed I told her that I will be hoping like heck for an IED. And if he does get killed, I will go to his funeral and hang with the westboro Baptist scumbags and let them know what the piece of crap did. I actually wouldn't ever do that or hope for that, but it sounded good and made me feel a little bit better.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> Thank you everyone. She actually confessed more to me last night. Basically stuck to the only did it once. But there was other times of touching and oral. She seemed to be more open to writing the NC letter as well. She also said that she can see that we are not going to get through this as long as I have questions going through my mind and that whatever I want to know I need to just ask her. But the thing is, do I really want to know some of this stuff? I mean yes, I want to know when the first physical contact was, how they avoided detection and so forth. But I don't know if I want to know if she spit or swallowed. Even though that stuff goes through my mind all of the time it seems. After she told me what she told me last night, I could start to piece it together. I could almost pinpoint the dates that she did stuff with him based on her countenance. But I feel like the dad in a River Runs Through It when his son is killed. He wanted to know every little detail down to which bones were broken and where. I struggle with wanting to know every minute detail even though I know that I don't want to hear it. But I feel like I need to hear it so that my mind can't wander at all and then maybe I can heal quicker. When she told me that he was being deployed I told her that I will be hoping like heck for an IED. And if he does get killed, I will go to his funeral and hang with the westboro Baptist scumbags and let them know what the piece of crap did. I actually wouldn't ever do that or hope for that, but it sounded good and made me feel a little bit better.


Trickle trickle trickle.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Have her write a timeline of the affair for you. She still does not respect you and thinks that if there are no consequences for cheating, what will stop her in the future? How do you know she is not contacting him now? Has she given all of her passwords? You need to make sure she learns to respect you. Do not be a doormat.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have avoided what your doing as to her accountability, and what is going to be asked of her in the way of heavy lifting---and more importantly even---what boundaries are being set

She should not get to have this swept under any rug---it needs to stay out there, for a while, so she can deal with what she has done to you

One last thing make her sign a POST--NUP with a duress clause


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

These thoughts seem to be pretty normal for a betrayed spouse, and this link might help you:- Whatâ€™s the #1 Way to Stop Obsessive Affair Images? Find Outâ€¦ Â« MarriageSherpa

_"Obsessive, post-affair images are a torment to the victim of an affair. You experience a continuous show of images that include your spouse and the paramour. These images play themselves to the point you feel like you’re going to lose your mind.

These images can become obsessive, gripping your mind until you can’t seem to release their hold over you. In this blog, I’ll tell you the #1 way to overcome these obsessive images. Read on…

Do You Know—or Guess—the Affair Details?

You may not have received any specific details about the affair, but that doesn’t mean your mind won’t work to fill in the blanks.

This tends to be pure fantasy. If you stop and think about it, you realize they aren’t based on any foundation of fact. And yet, this fantasy script is playing over and over, and it seems very real—almost as if you’re playing an actual reel of events.

This fantasy script can include:

Your spouse intimately entwined with the paramour.
Your spouse gazing adoringly at the paramour.
The paramour with a perfect body.
Your spouse, looking happy and content as they share a meal and a laugh with the paramour.

Once these images begin to play, it’s hard to let them go. You may be drawn to letting them play over and over because you’re trying to figure things out: maybe you’ll see something in these images which will make everything clear. It could solve the riddle of why your spouse decided to cheat, or what the paramour’s appeal was, or how your spouse really felt about what they were doing.

At the same time, you wonder why you can’t control this awful fantasy script from playing throughout your days and into your nights. While you may be drawn to these images on one level, on an entirely different level, you know how damaging it is to your self-esteem and your peace of mind, and the cost is a serious emotional toll that you’re taking.

Ultimately, you feel powerless in the face of these obsessive images that have taken over your mind.

Obsessive Images: Master the Control Switch

Your mind is very powerful. And what the mind can create, it can also manipulate.

When it comes to the fantasy script, you are the one who decides if it’s welcome to come at will, or if you’re shutting down the theater. All of those obsessive images have power over you only if you tell yourself that they really represent reality. And since you created these images, you’re also free to create different images to replace them or recreate the ones that won’t seem to let go.

So, the number one thing you can do? Manipulate the images that have such a hold on you. Here are three steps to help you accomplish this:

Step 1: Schedule the Next Screening

Right now, you’re experiencing images showing up whenever they happen to appear. This contributes to your feeling of being powerless in the fact of them.

So, tell yourself that you’ll be viewing them at a certain time, and that you are only giving them a specific block of time to play.

Step 2: Prepare for a Private Screening

Set aside a period of time that you can sit quietly by yourself without interruption. Find a spot where you can be alone, and also be able to relax. This is your “private screening” area, where you have chosen to allow the images to be shown. Start the reel going.

Step 3: Play with the Fantasy Script

You authored this script, so you have a right to edit it, as well. As the director, you can decide to put it in color or black and white; you can show it forwards, or run it backwards. You can costume the participants in any clothing you want, including masks that make them look like pigs or alligators.

What you’re doing here is feeling the power that you ultimately have over these images, and proving to yourself that these images are just a figment of your own creative imagination. Once you’ve toyed with the images, they begin to lose their power—because they are within your creative control.

It will take time to loosen the grip of obsessive images, but keep replaying these steps until you no longer desire a private screening of this fantasy script.

My best wishes for you as you break free from obsessive images.

How would you describe the images that have come to you after the affair?

What affect have these obsessive images had on your quality of life and ability to move forward? Have they lessened with time, or strengthened?

Do you feel powerless to control the fantasy script?"_

Good luck, OP.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

*Re: Re: Need help. Mostly asking the guys. *Graphic**



arbitrator said:


> *
> And also get yourself checked out for STD's! You certainly don't need that bastard leaving you with his cooties as a lasting souvenir!*


Make HER, REPEAT, HER take the full range of std tests and get the results mailed back from the lab. You open the sealed envelop.

I did that...gave me more piece of mind than my own test, plus I believe there is no test that men can take for HPV... only women can be tested... and it's spreading like wildfire.


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

My_2nd_Rodeo said:


> Make HER, REPEAT, HER take the full range of std tests and get the results mailed back from the lab. You open the sealed envelop.
> 
> I did that...gave me more piece of mind than my own test, plus I believe there is no test that men can take for HPV... only women can be tested... and it's spreading like wildfire.


STD Facts - Human papillomavirus (HPV)


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

samdew9 said:


> So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.
> 
> So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.
> 
> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.


...yeah ..."it was only once" with my wife ...too

...do the 'images' go away?

...have you received a traumatic brain injury that possibly destroyed the memory segment of you grey matter?

....have you been to a hypnotist that can help to access the deepest recesses of you mind and shut them off?

....if the answer is 'no' to the above ................I'd say *no* to the primary question. The depth of hurt / pain caused from marital betrayal, seems to exceed that of the deepest point of the oceans. 

....I'm +18 yrs past 'd-day' ...and it's as fresh today as it was then. (and ..it's the reason I'm seriously considering 'getting out' ...that ...and the realization that she didn't ever exhibit the level of remorse and pain that I think she should have.)

....I guess that your question should have been, "Will I be able to _*cope *_with the thoughts"? I have for a long time ...but the mind ...along with the body ....can only deal with so much.

.....wishing you the best of luck ...and never-ending strength to overcome your pain.


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## My_2nd_Rodeo (Nov 20, 2012)

Weird, because I know 3 women who took std tests and 2 came up positive for "HPV test". 

Plus, when I got std tested (by a female Dr. ) she said there was no test for a male infected... 

Also on the lab report of the cheating wife, it specified each std test and the subsequent result. HPV was one of them specifically line itemed... it said negative.

However, to my broader point, I was using HPV as an example... std tests are highly inaccurate at the negative side at times, so best both get tested ( 2 data points, you might have sleeping viruses vs hers may be raging - eg herpes is hard to detect if in hibernation).


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Remains said:


> This is a comparison of magificently innaccurate and ridiculous proportions. This is not a forum entitled 'my wife is not a virgin and I cannot cope'!
> 
> Never read such an unbelievable comparison in a very long time.


Guys do not ask about past BF's and XH's. What is in the past before them does not matter as a rule.

Now when a WW cheats as a rule the BH wants to know everything. This is something that happened to the BH now.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also, post the OM up on cheaterville.com for everyone to see.

Then ask yourself, knowing even what small part of the truth that you know - why should you give her the gift of being with you, given what she happily and willingly did many times with him?

Why be second choice?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quote of Samdew*
> How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away???



You will not get rid of it right away. You can cut down on the mind images of her if you get yourself a Bucket list. What I mean is for you *get something that you always wanted to do for YOURSELF that you are really interested in.! Then start making it happen *even if you have to plan for months to get everything in order. You pursuing your bucket list will help in the weeks, months, and years to come. If you handle it right these visions will go away or be very weak and not have a significant impact on your life after a few years; some it takes several years. Just prepare yourself for the long haul. Sorry there is no easy to get through this, you will have to endure some pain for a while but you can get through it. You can improve every month or so.





> Quote of Samdew
> She also said that she can see that we are not going to get through this as long as I have questions going through my mind and that whatever I want to know I need to just ask her. But the thing is, *do I really want to know some of this stuff?[/*QUOTE]
> 
> 
> ...


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

AngryandUsed said:


> I dont think Mori's ex-wife's lover sent the movie to Mori. Mori accidently found the movie on his ex-wife's PC.


I think Mori once said, that one way to help with the mind movies, is to imagine both of them in clown suits. He said it helped him.


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## samdew9 (Jun 10, 2013)

Yes, she will be getting tested for std's. She already has the appointment made. I'm not sure what caused her to confess, I never asked. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I just feel like as much as I thought that I needed to hear things, I need even more to realize that nothing can change what happened and only I can decide my happiness right now and moving forward. But I do suspect that it was due to my detective work.

I called one of OM's lovers (he has 2-3, and seems to enjoy married women) ex husbands and found out that she has HPV and never uses protection. OM found out and went nuts on her. Told her that I was crazy and that I, yes you read that correctly, I crossed the line. Then, because I used a throw away phone and a false name, asked her why he would think that it is me?? Because I told the guy that the OM I was asking about was indeed having sex with my wife. And if that hadn't happened, then why would OM even think that it was me???? Then I found out that after she had gotten rid of OM...HA! That she was still contacting him. I asked her about it and she lied to me. I then told her what I knew and the tears and confession flowed out.


I have warned her many times that everything MUST be real and true. She also has given me all of her passwords...at least I hope that's all of them. The thing is, and I told her this, is that because of all of the lies and sneaking around, I am having a hard time trusting anything that she says. But, and she doesn't know this part, if I catch her lying about anything, it will be over. 


I want R more that anything, but I am sick of being lied to and crapped on. I've put on like 30-40lbs since this started. I just want to lay in bed and eat pizza and ice cream. So I thank you to whoever suggested that I take all of those feelings and turn it into making myself better. I just need to get over that initial hump to get off of my fat butt and do it. I have nobody that I can really talk to, so I am so thankful that this website is here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I think Mori once said, that one way to help with the mind movies, is to imagine both of them in clown suits. He said it helped him.


And imagine them with comical music as a backing. NLP techniques that do work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why are you staying with her after her betrayal and lies.

Heck she may even be carrying HPV

I'm mean that question deeply, not in a knee jerk way.

You need to understand why you are willing to take bake someone who chose willingly and happily to betray your love and trust.

Is she worthy of you?

Are you staying out of fear or out of fear of loosing to the OM?

You've beat the affair, but do you really value and desire the prize you won? Can you actually trust her not to cheat again?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> Yes, she will be getting tested for std's. She already has the appointment made. I'm not sure what caused her to confess, I never asked. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I just feel like as much as I thought that I needed to hear things, I need even more to realize that nothing can change what happened and only I can decide my happiness right now and moving forward. But I do suspect that it was due to my detective work.
> 
> I called one of OM's lovers (he has 2-3, and seems to enjoy married women) ex husbands and found out that she has HPV and never uses protection. OM found out and went nuts on her. Told her that I was crazy and that I, yes you read that correctly, I crossed the line. Then, because I used a throw away phone and a false name, asked her why he would think that it is me?? Because I told the guy that the OM I was asking about was indeed having sex with my wife. And if that hadn't happened, then why would OM even think that it was me???? Then I found out that after she had gotten rid of OM...HA! That she was still contacting him. I asked her about it and she lied to me. I then told her what I knew and the tears and confession flowed out.
> 
> ...


Get the fvck out of bed and stop the damned eating! Listen as I suggested before and this post vindicates me - you need to work on you! You need to fortify yourself - oh and if she did contract HPV - you really should move on.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

Why can't you just leave her? You are not capable of finding another woman to replace her? I am telling you, once you find someone else, the previous woman is forgotten and replaced. Every now and then you might think of what if, but you will be in a better place. 

You want a woman who might have HPV given to her from another man because of cheating? You want a woman who went bareback (no condom) with another guy, gurgle his cum in her mouth and swallowed it? You never know. 

What low self esteem my friend. I hope you don't find this offensive, but you need a good kick in your arse. There are millions of beautiful women out there and you are stuck on a whorish woman who went out of her way to cheat on you? Life is too short!!!!!!

You will not get those visions out of your head this soon. It will take years and years. There will be triggers. If your willing to wait years, then maybe it might work out, but why? Once betrayed a lesson must be taught to the cheater. No second chances, or she will just do it again, or do it to the next man if she leaves you. The marital vows are broken. The respect and commitments are broken. Reconciliation is not worth it. You only have one life to live, live it to the fullest. Work up your confidence, your self esteem and think to yourself you can do better. You gained weight??? Most people lose weight when they are cheated on because of stress. Lose the weight and make yourself more attractive. Dress nicer, work out and get sexier. Be a stronger man with confidence.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Like so many other saps on those board, who have sold yourself on the lie that this bimbo is the only woman who can love you. 

Free your mind and your a$$ will follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Samus said:


> Why can't you just leave her? You are not capable of finding another woman to replace her? I am telling you, once you find someone else, the *previous woman is forgotten *and replaced. Every now and then you might think of what if, but you will be in a better place.
> 
> You want a woman who might have HPV given to her from another man because of cheating? You want a woman who went bareback (no condom) with another guy, gurgle his cum in her mouth and swallowed it? You never know.
> 
> ...


You sound pretty angry.. are you sure you've forgotten?


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## BK23 (Apr 17, 2013)

You need her out of your life. So she confessed to the bare minimum that your evidence indicated. There's much more. Don't deny it. You said if anything else came out, you were done. But there is absolutely zero chance that she slept with him the one time she admitted to. So, what are you waiting for? A nice case of HPV?


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I got rid of the mind movies by doing the 180 and getting rid of the cancer.

Worked almost immediately.

Oh and then enjoying the company of someone who liked it was the final icing on the cake.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> Somehow, I really like this in a way. The trouble I have with it personally is this. The part about the gurgling and all of that; you mean his wife is the only woman that did that? The next one he finds never had any sex or enjoyed herself? I think that has to be taken out of the equation because pretty much everyone has sex and if we knew what everyone did, we might not want to sleep with any of them.
> 
> Breach of contract is definitely a factor. That's a big one. Someone doing it once does have a propensity for it. So, he has to "man up" for sure. He may decide he wants to man up and try again with her. I think it's a personal decision.
> 
> ...


I agree!! The gurgling was only to put in context because he is currently with her. I am sure she had a sex life before, but this is different as it is when she was committed to him. This is like a cop out comment, because obviously numerous husbands and wives had sex before being with there current spouse. I am just trying to emphasize how strong of a betrayal this is. She can gurgle all she wants with me not someone else when she is my woman. right? Save it for me, although my wife doesn't do that, which I am fine with. LOL.


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

russell28 said:


> You sound pretty angry.. are you sure you've forgotten?


Really? I have not been cheated on, your misguided. I am not angry, I am just not a poor sap who can't let go. My motto of life is to short makes me strong and look the other way if I am cheated on. It makes me strong to not give second chances nevermind be it children involved, lovey doveyness, financial bliss, etc...

I am just strong enough to do it and I have done it before. I have left a wife before for stuff like continuous arguments, very low sexual attraction after marriage, didn't want to have sex often and after pleading numerous times with love and devotion I gave her the Boot. No regrets, no I wuv her too much to leave her. Found another great woman who is everything I wanted and totally forgot th EX, and I have a child with the Ex who is doing just fine. 

See life does go on after betrayal.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> Yes, she will be getting tested for std's. She already has the appointment made. I'm not sure what caused her to confess, I never asked. I wasn't sure that I wanted to know. I just feel like as much as I thought that I needed to hear things, I need even more to realize that nothing can change what happened and only I can decide my happiness right now and moving forward. But I do suspect that it was due to my detective work.
> 
> I called one of OM's lovers (he has 2-3, and seems to enjoy married women) ex husbands and found out that she has HPV and never uses protection. OM found out and went nuts on her. Told her that I was crazy and that I, yes you read that correctly, I crossed the line. Then, because I used a throw away phone and a false name, asked her why he would think that it is me?? Because I told the guy that the OM I was asking about was indeed having sex with my wife. And if that hadn't happened, then why would OM even think that it was me???? Then I found out that after she had gotten rid of OM...HA! That she was still contacting him. I asked her about it and she lied to me. I then told her what I knew and the tears and confession flowed out.
> 
> ...


Dear samdew9,

Been following your threads. You seem, finally, to be getting your head in the right place.

Please consider that things began to turn around for you when you decided to D your WW. Maybe because she was spying on you as you suspected or maybe because you began to give off an "I'm done" vibe that finally convinced her that she was about to lose her marriage.

Whatever the reason, learn from this. Woman want strong men, not weak ones. The weakest of men put up with their women cheating. As a result, they get absolutely no respect and either their marriages tank or they learn to live as cuckolds.

Your best hope of R with your WW lies with you convincing her that you are prepared to D her if she isn't totally honest with and faithful to you going forward. This means not "forgiving" her for now but instead telling her all the things she must do to save her marriage. These should include:

1) Sending the NC letter _immediately_,

2) Being totally open about all of her communications with other people (not just passwords but who she's talking to and spending time with, including co-workers, GFs, church members, etc.) -- she should also terminate her FB account,

3) Changing jobs (this is critical for two reasons, to make sure she has no opportunity to see the OM in the future and to give her serious consequences for her adultery),

4) IC to help her figure out why she did this and how she can avoid cheating again (you should meet with and approve her counselor),

5) Disclosure of what she's done to hers and your families (she should write a letter confessing, apologizing and asking for their support),

6) Anything else you need from her.

If she says she's willing, monitor her closely and don't tolerate any slacking off. If she balks or screws up, file for D immediately.

This is your one and likely only chance to save your marriage. In order to do this, you must reestablish yourself as the head of your family. Show her that you are strong and that you can live without her if she doesn't do what you need her to do. Let her know that you won't settle for anything less than a loving and loyal wife. At the same time, reassure her that, if she does what you need her to do, you are willing to give her another chance.

Wishing you the best possible outcome.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Samus said:


> *Really? I have not been cheated on*, .


So you're advice is coming from 0 experience.. gotcha. 

Tell us some other things you'd do in hypothetical situations that haven't happened to you yet.. I'm interested.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The images will always be there somewhere. But, the emotions you associate with them will change. They won't cut so deep. The sands of time will wear away the sharp edges, and one day they won't hurt anymore...


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## samdew9 (Jun 10, 2013)

What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????


If he's proud to be a home wrecker, that's on him.. that's not a reflection on you, so let him be proud of being a POS.. at the end of the day, he's still a POS and they usually live miserable lives, so that'll be punishment enough.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

samdew9 said:


> here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife.
> 
> Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment???????


Ask yourself that question.

Fear? Shame? Embarrasment? You tell us.

Why haven't there been consequences?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????


Why do drunk drivers usually walk away and the people they hit are killed or maimed?

Life aint fair. Accept that for what it is and lose the victim mentality- it won't work for you.



russell28 said:


> So you're advice is coming from 0 experience.. gotcha.
> 
> Tell us some other things you'd do in hypothetical situations that haven't happened to you yet.. I'm interested.


Being cheated on doesn't make you an expert in infidelity.

Just like being in a car accident doesn't qualify you to be a driving instructor.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> Why do drunk drivers usually walk away and the people they hit are killed or maimed?
> 
> Life aint fair. Accept that for what it is and lose the victim mentality- it won't work for you.
> 
> ...


It makes you know things that someone that wasn't cheated on doesn't know.. It makes you aware of things that someone that was never cheated on isn't aware of.

Someone that's been in a car accident has a much better understanding of what a car accident is all about than someone that's only read about it. They can still be a driving instructor, but they might not have the insight into accidents that someone that's lived through one has. So if you're looking for advice on accidents, and not just a driving instructor.. you might be better off with the guy that's experienced one.

I would have told you, before my wife cheated, that I'd kick her to the curb if she cheats, because i'm strong.. blah blah.. etc.. It turns out, the reality of the situation is much more complex than a simple scenario of "I'd do x if y"... or "everyone should do x if y, because that's what I think I would do..."


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

russell28 said:


> It makes you know things that someone that wasn't cheated on doesn't know.. It makes you aware of things that someone that was never cheated on isn't aware of.
> 
> Someone that's been in a car accident has a much better understanding of what a car accident is all about than someone that's only read about it. They can still be a driving instructor, but they might not have the insight into accidents that someone that's lived through one has. So if you're looking for advice on accidents, and not just a driving instructor.. you might be better off with the guy that's experienced one.
> 
> I would have told you, before my wife cheated, that I'd kick her to the curb if she cheats, because i'm strong.. blah blah.. etc.. It turns out, the reality of the situation is much more complex than a simple scenario of "I'd do x if y"... or "everyone should do x if y, because that's what I think I would do..."


With all the information out there about cheating and the understanding about it, no one doesn't know what cheating is or how it affects someone. Mind Movies and the feeling of cheating affects everyone even those that have not been cheated on. 

I can still think of how I would feel if my wife cheated. I would be hurt, shocked, embarassed and feel unworthy of a man. Your basically telling folks that have never been cheated on, you don't know or can't give advice because you don't know how it feels. I think I can imagine and also feel the pain others go through from cheating. I have thought what ifs and felt the pain of those what ifs. Your being very ignorant. So a Pastor that listens to peoples confessions doesn't and shouldn't do that because he has never been in those situations? Your wrong. 

Yes if my wife cheated on me I would consider all my options, but the end results would always be divorce for me. That is my stance. I am a firm believer of no second chances when cheating is involved. Maybe I can't handle reconciliation, maybe I am weak, but that is my choice and honestly I think its the right choice. I don't want to reward a cheater with my presence anymore, my compassion after she threw it in my face.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

russell28 said:


> I would have told you, before my wife cheated, that I'd kick her to the curb if she cheats, because i'm strong.. blah blah.. etc.. It turns out, the reality of the situation is much more complex than a simple scenario of "I'd do x if y"... or "everyone should do x if y, because that's what I think I would do..."


It doesn't have to be more complex.

Whether it's sexual infidelity, financial disparity, differences in child rearing philosophy, mental illness, whatever; many of us are faced with a decision to divorce versus stay in a troubled marriage. 

I know I was faced with such a decision and I DID kick her to the curb and I'm in a better place for having done so. There was no cheating in my marriage, but I feel qualified to dispense advice to those who were cheated on, because of the knowledge gained from my divorce and my life since that time. To me, the cheating is nothing more than another really good reason to leave a bad marriage. I don't need to know the details and complexities, all I need to know is that when betrayed spouses most here, reconciliation is usually not a good option and in the case of this particular poster, it's not even on the table.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

So she did not confess anything to you until AFTER she found out her OM was going to be deployed and gone. Sounds like she is reverting to plan B - her back up plan - YOU.

Her reluctance to write the NC letter is because she knows he will accept the letter and not give her the time of day since he has other cheating wifes lined up to take her place. She is not sick of him, she is sick that he will be gone and she has to R with plan B to maintain her lifestyle.

Tread carefully.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Samus said:


> With all the information out there about cheating and the understanding about it, no one doesn't know what cheating is or how it affects someone. Mind Movies and the feeling of cheating affects everyone even those that have not been cheated on.
> 
> I can still think of how I would feel if my wife cheated. I would be hurt, shocked, embarassed and feel unworthy of a man. Your basically telling folks that have never been cheated on, you don't know or can't give advice because you don't know how it feels. *I think I can imagine *and also feel the pain others go through from cheating. I have thought what ifs and felt the pain of those what ifs. Your being very ignorant. So a Pastor that listens to peoples confessions doesn't and shouldn't do that because he has never been in those situations? Your wrong.
> 
> Yes if my wife cheated on me I would consider all my options, but the end results would always be divorce for me. That is my stance. I am a firm believer of no second chances when cheating is involved. Maybe I can't handle reconciliation, maybe I am weak, but that is my choice and honestly I think its the right choice. I don't want to reward a cheater with my presence anymore, my compassion after she threw it in my face.


You can give advice all you want.. I'm taking it as coming from someone that has no experience on the topic, other than running through scenarios in his head and thinking about what he might do if those situations actually arose. 

You 'think' you can imagine.. I think you have no idea, until you actually live it. I used to think I could imagine too. I had no idea until it actually happened.

So while I could give advice to someone that's recently been paralyzed.. since I've never actually experienced what they are going through. I'd have to listen a bit to what they are saying, since they'd have more real world experience on the topic than what I could garner out of books and running through fictional scenarios in my mind. I'd suggest they talk to someone that's actually been through it, and hope they would be more helpful. I'd also guess that opinions from a person that experienced it, might mean more to that person than opinions coming from me.. someone that only 'thinks' they can imagine...


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

lenzi said:


> It doesn't have to be more complex.
> 
> Whether it's sexual infidelity, financial disparity, differences in child rearing philosophy, mental illness, whatever; many of us are faced with a decision to divorce versus stay in a troubled marriage.
> 
> I know I was faced with such a decision and I DID kick her to the curb and I'm in a better place for having done so. There was no cheating in my marriage, but I feel qualified to dispense advice to those who were cheated on, because of the knowledge gained from my divorce and my life since that time. *To me, the cheating is nothing more than another really good reason to leave a bad marriage.* I don't need to know the details and complexities, all I need to know is that when betrayed spouses most here, reconciliation is usually not a good option and in the case of this particular poster, it's not even on the table.


This sums it up right here.. you have no idea. It's much more than that.. trust me. To me, cheating is something that ruined a really good marriage.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

russell28 said:


> This sums it up right here.. you have no idea. It's much more than that.. trust me. To me, cheating is something that ruined a really good marriage.


Ok, thanks for clarifying that cheating is something that ruined a bad marriage.

I think that's pretty much what I said?


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

You win, everyone should D because its what you would do and all circumstances are exactly the same as what you guys imagine it to be. Have a good weekend, best of luck to the OP and angry guy that kicked his first wife to the curb and remembers every detail but has forgotten about it.. Peace
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Quotes of Samdew9
> “…nothing can change what happened and only *I can decide my happiness right now and moving forward”*
> 
> *“….take all of those feelings and turn it into making myself better*. I just need to get over that initial hump to get off of my fat butt and do it. I have nobody that I can really talk to, so I am so thankful that this website is here.



You have hit the nail right on the head! *You have said the words now it is time for you to start DOING the ACTIONS that will bring about some RESPECT and happiness.*

I know it is very hard to discipline yourself to improve yourself. However, look at all the energy and actions you have done trying to control and get information about your wife. Turn your focus and all those actions into yourself getting better. You are severely wounded and you need to concentrate on only you right now. How can you help or control someone else when you can barely get up in the morning or afternoon?


Carmen gave you some d good advice but I do not think that you are strong enough to monitor your wife or take that responsibility to keep the marriage. If I am wrong then follow Carmen’s advice. Carmen also said something that I think is very important for you; Carmen said



> *Quotes of Carmen Ohio*
> “Whatever the reason, learn from this. Woman want strong men, not weak ones. The weakest of men put up with their women cheating. As a result, they get absolutely no respect and either their marriages tank or they learn to live as cuckolds.”



*Do you still have a chance at R? Sure you do but if you remain weak there will be no chance. *I think you said that you are a pastor. If that is true and you do not want to take a stranger’s advise about getting stronger then how about your own scriptures that says

*Matthew 12 *New International Version (NIV)
29 “Or again, how can anyone enter a strong man’s house and carry off his possessions unless he first ties up the strong man? Then he can plunder his house.


The OM and your wife are carrying off your emotional possessions and they will plunder your life! You must take actions to get stronger. If you need to get help then get help. Do not tell us that you cannot get help; you know that you can. Maybe you do not want to humble yourself but there is a saying in your case. It goes like this; 
*“you have a choice, you can save your face or you can save your AZZ; choose one”*


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## Samus (Aug 28, 2012)

russell28 said:


> You win, everyone should D because its what you would do and all circumstances are exactly the same as what you guys imagine it to be. Have a good weekend, best of luck to the OP and angry guy that kicked his first wife to the curb and remembers every detail but has forgotten about it.. Peace
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you should D if someone cheats on you. Reconciliation is something I do not believe in. Yes I am strong with my reasoning and my beliefs and yes I have the BALLS to follow through with them. 

I have 3 kids, a house, cars and my wife. I will still see my kids, drive my car, sell my house, or keep it whichever, and get rid of a person who became someone I do not know. I don't have to be cheated on, I know if I am cheated on what I would do. Your telling me I have to live it before I know what I would do? Wrong man, I know what I would do. Just like I know I would not murder, just like I know I should not steal. Just like I know I should not rape. I know I should not stay with a cheating wife. Your probably one of those lovey dovey saps that can't break free from the your tainted wife knowing all the horrible, inconceiveable things she did to you. Or a sacrificial lamb of misery for your kids. Perhaps you lack self esteem and pride to respect yourself. That is not my fault. 

Don't tell me I need to experience it, you don't even know me. It is unquestionable. I would be done with a cheating wife, no looking back. They don't deserve a second chance. My opinion.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Samus said:


> Don't tell me I need to experience it, you don't even know me. It is unquestionable. I would be done with a cheating wife, no looking back. They don't deserve a second chance. My opinion.


I think what's he's suggesting, which you don't seem to want to acknowledge is that you can't know exactly what you would do. 

That isn't a slight, nor a reflection on you. Most people think they know what they would do. How you believe you would react, or what you like to think you would do goes straight to your self concept, your ego... That is very important to you as verified by your refusal to consider the possibility that you could react any other way...

But, you can't _know._ 

Most, if not all of us thought we knew what we would do if our spouse cheated on us... Ask almost anyone here what they would have done before it actually happened, I think you'll find the answer would have been a confident and emphatic "divorce her/him". 

I too am a strong, confident alpha male. If you would have asked me before it happened what I would have done, I would have laughed out loud and said "are you kidding? you ask _ME_ that?!?! That b*tch is done, out faster than she blink". It didn't quite turn out that way.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> I think what's he's suggesting, which you don't seem to want to acknowledge is that you can't know exactly what you would do.


I divorced my wife because the relationship had gotten toxic. We never agreed about money (she was a spender, I was a saver). We didn't agree on how to raise the children (she was overly permissive, I was more strict). We fought, we didn't get along, she decided she wanted to divorce, she put together a bogus restraining order, threw me out, filed for divorce.

A few months later she took it all back. She crumbled, canceled the divorce, fired her attorney and begged me to come back. I filed, moved out, and never looked back despite her pleas to come back to the marriage.

Without ever having been cheated on I know my limits and I know that if she had cheated I would have divorced her without a second thought, just like I did due to something that most would probably consider a much more minor "transgression".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

samdew9 said:


> What really gets me upset is that she is the one that cheated, the OM also had a hand in it as well. She said that she to him no and that she was married quite a few times before she finally gave in. And here I am in misery and the OM get to gallivant around proud that he banged a pastors wife and gets off scott free. And if we were to get a D, then our 5 children would have there lives rocked horribly as well. Why is it that the offenders are the ones that have the least amount of punishment??????? And the was that were innocent are the ones that get trampled on????????


That's why CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know was invented.

The UK cheater mentioned on my blog post? His Cheaterville profile has been searched for a found 1,325,171 times. Searches on Google, Bing, etc., has his Cheaterville link very high on the lists.

I think he might, now, be regretting being a philandering dastardly cheater.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> I have warned her many times that everything MUST be real and true. She also has given me all of her passwords...at least I hope that's all of them. The thing is, and I told her this, is that because of all of the lies and sneaking around, I am having a hard time trusting anything that she says. But, and she doesn't know this part, if I catch her lying about anything, it will be over.


You already did. But that's not your biggest issue.



samdew9 said:


> I want R more that anything, but I am sick of being lied to and crapped on. I've put on like 30-40lbs since this started. I just want to lay in bed and eat pizza and ice cream. So I thank you to whoever suggested that I take all of those feelings and turn it into making myself better. I just need to get over that initial hump to get off of my fat butt and do it. I have nobody that I can really talk to, so I am so thankful that this website is here.


This is your biggest issue. You've been sitting around, wallowing in your own misery. You've wasted precious time. 

I did what you hope to do, turn all that attention and sacrifice you gave your wife, and do it for yourself. 

It has far greater payoffs that will last forever. 

You're putting your stock in her, and she's unreliable. You need to focus on you. Throw out the ice cream and start lifting weights, eating right and getting your mind and body to a better place.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

awake1 said:


> You already did. But that's not your biggest issue.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree: Whether you D or R - man you definitely need an overhaul. Plus why are you so eager ro R with a woman who is a liar and a cheater. It seems to me she needs to do some serious penance first. Oh and if she does have HPV - you would do well to kick her to the curb....she put your health at risk in addition to being a cheater...


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I read through your back posts.
> 
> You suspected cheating for a long time and she repeatedly denied.
> 
> ...


Well said
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

Truthseeker1 said:


> :iagree::iagree: Whether you D or R - man you definitely need an overhaul.


I've learned that is a great way to move forward, with or without the FWW/FWH. 

At first you don't know what to do. Your guts are on the floor. You want to punch someone, hug someone, scream, cry, drink yourself stupid. You just want the pain to stop. 

You give them chances "tell the truth, or i'll leave" over and over. You want them to love you again, you want to turn back the clock. You want to get revenge and go out and have sex with the first person you can. 

You try to logic and reason them. You tell them their lies are crazy, unbelievable. You ask them, plead with them to stop hurting you. 

You blame them, you blame yourself. You do the "what if" dance. What if i was better looking? More charming? What if we had more sex? What if I didn't meet his/her needs.

This is the pitfall. This is where the quicksand is. Paralysis by analysis. 

You want to do anything except what you should do: get up, get out, work on yourself. Rebuild yourself. Not so that you don't get cheated on again by being better looking or more attentive to their needs. 

But you need to get stronger, so that you can move past this. You need to learn to live single again, so that you can be with someone. Whether you R or not. That means working on yourself. 

You need a position of personal power, not one of desperation and hopelessness. You need to know, not think, you can be single and happy and find someone new. 

If you're already broken down, it's your chance to build it all back better. You're capable of it. 

I agree OP needs an overhaul, and this is the best chance he's ever had to do it.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> So some of you may remember my other posts on here. But none of that matters now. Everything came to a head yesterday and she came to me and confessed her physical affair. It only happened once and it destroyed her inside. Which explained all of her behavior over the last few months.
> 
> So anyways, I have forgiven her as long as her affair is definitely over. She said that it is. Although she is struggling with writing the letter. She just wants it to be over and says that she is sickened by him an wants nothing to do with him. The good thing is that the other pile of dung is out of the state for the next 2 months and his guard unit is being deployed in January. So that is a huge plus. Plus he no longer works at her store.
> 
> But my question (and here is where it gets graphic) is this. How do I get over the visions in my head of him on top of her and inside of her when I make love to her?? And when I kiss her know that his lips and tongue have been there along with his penis. How do I get rid of that and how long does it take for it to go away??? I have those visions periodically throughout the day as well. Not just when I have sex with her. Which has been just once. I've already broken down in tears 3 times today. But I don't want her to feel guilty so I don't let her see me crying. I'm trying to be strong, but I am just a stressed out mess.


samedew9,

I'm more than 5 months out from DDay. Besides all the other sh!t that goes with being betrayed, the mind movies are tough. But it does get better - I'm testament to that.

When these images come to visit now they have far less control over me - and i mean FAR less!

It is time mostly but also the fact that I have worked on me. I'm no Trojan but I have made some changes with fitness & diet. The thing is that time and health work well in your favor. 

Nothing will really help in the short term IMO - you just have to wear it. My only ammo in the short term was to let it sink in - wear it - and then kind of shrug it off. Told it to F**K OFF! many times I did. That's about it.

To be honest whenever I kiss my WS goodbye or hello it sometimes occurs to me where her mouth has been. I don't have a definitive answer to that one. 

My attitude is that she put you in this world of pain and part of the price for that is her having to wear whatever state you are in. If you are repulsed by her then let her know it; tell her exactly why you will not kiss her for the foreseeable future. She bought the guilt and she has to own it. 

As for revealing you tears; all that stuff, the advice here would be to keep that to yourself. Keep strong samedew9 and best wishes.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't understand.She finally confessed when she realized she was one of many for the OM and he turned against her because of you meddling with his other affairs ?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

samdew9 said:


> Although she is struggling with writing the letter


That sentence seems like a red flag if i am reading it correctly.
Be careful Samdew


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I completely understand wanting/needing to know all of the details. I'm not commenting on whether you should or should not R, but just on the issue of knowing vs. not knowing Not knowing everything about their sexual unions:

1. Gives more power to the sex acts and to their little bond together. Don't let them have their dirty little secrets together. All the things he did to her is powerful and intense for you but him doing things to her that you know nothing about makes it more powerful. Their having little secrets together that you know nothing about feeds the intrigue and mystery between them. You need to shine the light on EVERYTHING before you will ever have hope of rebuilding (if this is the right thing to do).
2. Emasculates you even further. It's all VERY hard to handle but hiding from it by 'not wanting to know' is a weak response to dealing with the sh&tty cards you've been dealt. My opinion although I know others will disagree.
3. Does not prevent obsession with it. The arguments against knowing all seem to revolve around it creating obsession and bad thoughts. Depends on the person but the anguish of NOT KNOWING can create more obsession and turmoil. How do you deal with something when there are significant unknowns? Many men are programmed to have all the facts to deal with something and struggle to deal with it without gathering all available facts. You'll have mind movies either way whether they are based on imagination or reality.
4. Creates the possibility that more details will become known to you later. This will open it all up again and will create more bitterness and venom.
5. Means that you are making a decision to stay or not to stay based on incomplete information. Particularly if someone is considering R, they need to make sure that they understand all aspects of what happened even the ugly parts. I would argue that in order to really R, you need to accept (however difficult it might be) the full ugliness of what your partner did.
6. Allows her to not fully face the truth and what it means to you. Means that she has gotten away with it on some level. Why give her the comfort of dealing in euphemisms like 'we slept together' at that time or 'we fooled around a little' this other time.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Samus said:


> Just like I know I would not murder, just like I know I should not steal. Just like I know I should not rape. I know I should not stay with a cheating wife. .


Wow, I am wired different then most.

BTW the attempted murder charge never stuck. I stopped steal long ago...didn't like it when it happened to me. The rape thing really phucked me up, I new it was wrong and paid the price for it.

Samus, you forgot about wife beaters.

Sorry for the thread jack but my point is poeple can change, so can my old lady!!!!!!!!!!!!

Had to throw my $0.02 for what its worth.

Sincerly,
the-guy with the cheating wife


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