# Is it drama?



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama?

Are emotions drama?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Depending on your approach..I mean assuming you aren't completely irrational..I would call it "communicating your feelings in a direct and honest manner".

But if you are married to a conflict avoider that prefers for every "negative" emotion to be burried and swept under the rug those types view any relating of hurt feelings as "drama".(and I'm of course assuming you are referring to a negative feeling not discussing /relaying how deliriously happy your spouse made you feel.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh and I will add..its very damaging in the long run to have your feelings dismissed and mocked and critisized as "drama" if its the running theme.There is no better understanding or learning going on between the 2 for one.And secondly but no less damaging is you never get closure so those feelings not understood validated just get stacked up over the years and what were mole hills that could have been resolved become a collective mountain.They may continue to spill out and then are rejected again as "holding a grudge" or "never getting over it" or keeping a list of wrongs.Which further antagonizes you .Eventually you have just an overall feeling of hurt/ negativity /resentment but you can't put your finger on any "one thing" that caused you to feel this way.Then the next step (for the conflict avoider) usually is to accuse you of "always being angry".Its also common in my experience for them to issue sometimes a shallow apology just to get you to shut up.And you know this then the accsusation is another cut down/critisism to "add" to the list of hurts that "sorry isn't good enough for you".


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

anony2 said:


> If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how *they felt* about something that *you said*, do you consider it drama?
> 
> *Are emotions drama?*


Absolutely NOT... how we respond to their bringing this to our attention....this is where the Drama... if any....begins. 

I want my husband to bring his feelings to me... if I hurt him with my quick tongue ...I would be upset if he stuffed that & allowed a seed of resentment to spring. That is far worse... 

I am very quick to realize this generally & make amends before he has to say anything though. 

And me, well, I've never held back and I can't say we have a drama filled relationship ...at all. Couples need to be "*self aware*" enough to OWN their own shortcomings before the other...when they know they went "too far" in a moment...

And if /when the other comes to them Hurt, shaken, saddened (for whatever reason)...Take a step back...*Listen to them*....HEAR where the other is coming from. 

Without this, Genuine "Problem solving" communication is stunted.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Exactly the problem solving is HALTED when one is left to solve it on their own which is impossible .Sure pick your battles.But if the norm is you will will be dismissed and stonewalled(stonewalling is a refusal to be a part of conflict resolution leaving the other one basically "stuck" )You are left ALONE and charged with just "get over it".The problems are not only never solved they turn into a giant mass of negative emotions festering.Eventually leading to a relational death sentence "Contemp".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Drama is what happens when someone's reactions are far out of propotion to what they're complaining about. Instead of "You didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something that I thought wasn't a good reason" turns into a four hour discussion = drama.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Drama is what happens when someone's reactions are far out of propotion to what they're complaining about. Instead of "You didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something that I thought wasn't a good reason" turns into a four hour discussion = drama.


That can be the case I agree.Like "over done" ..Having said that if the simple statement of "you didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something I thought wasn't a good reason " is met with "you always have something to complain about" and sarcastic "sorry I'm not perfect like you ".That also can turn it INTO a 4 hour conversation that in the end has nothing to even do with your original expression of dissapointment.With the original party of the complaint being critisized /dismissed and dragged through the mud with a dozen more hurts and dissapointments to "get over".


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I don't think emotions = drama. Like others said, if it drags out, then it can, at least, BORDER on drama. But overall? Not at all.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Oh and I will add..its very damaging in the long run to have your feelings dismissed and mocked and critisized as "drama" if its the running theme.There is no better understanding or learning going on between the 2 for one.And secondly but no less damaging is you never get closure so those feelings not understood validated just get stacked up over the years and what were mole hills that could have been resolved become a collective mountain.They may continue to spill out and then are rejected again as "holding a grudge" or "never getting over it" or keeping a list of wrongs.Which further antagonizes you .Eventually you have just an overall feeling of hurt/ negativity /resentment but you can't put your finger on any "one thing" that caused you to feel this way.Then the next step (for the conflict avoider) usually is to accuse you of "always being angry".Its also common in my experience for them to issue sometimes a shallow apology just to get you to shut up.And you know this then the accsusation is another cut down/critisism to "add" to the list of hurts that "sorry isn't good enough for you".


Dallasapple, this is spot on to what is going on. It hurts so deep when I just say to him that something felt like a put down. It does go into a 4 hour argument, but not because that is what I want, but because he is avoiding the conversation. ANY negative emotions cannot be discussed with him. UGH! 

Thank you for all of your replies everyone! I appreciate them very much!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If someone said your emotions are drama it's because they truly don't give a crap about how you feel and aren't in tune with their own feelings.

This is just my experience with emotionally unavailable people.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Dallasapple, this is spot on to what is going on. It hurts so deep when I just say to him that something felt like a put down. It does go into a 4 hour argument, but not because that is what I want, but because he is avoiding the conversation. ANY negative emotions cannot be discussed with him. UGH!
> 
> Thank you for all of your replies everyone! I appreciate them very much!


Well then you are dealing with whats called a "conflict avoider" it sounds like a good thing but its NOT.We WILL have conflict its "unavoidable' and we have to "hash it out' .Denying it doesnt make it "go away"..This type also includes "stonewalling" after the "4 hour" crazy cycle (bringing up a mole hill that they go in circles trying to dodge) then you get the silent treatment?Thats the time they refuse to "discuss it any further"..your frustrated to the point you feel like you want to explode..while they act like you basically dont exist unless its to talk about "whats for dinner" KNOWING you are still upset.Until eventually you get so exhuasted from the silence and by then anger.. you smush it down .They believe they "won the standoff" you finally "got over it" like you should have in the first place and YOU made a "big deal out of nothing".Rinse and repeat.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whoa. That just summed up the last 6 months of my marriage. LOL dang.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> If someone said your emotions are drama it's because they truly don't give a crap about how you feel and aren't in tune with their own feelings.
> 
> This is just my experience with emotionally unavailable people.


And even that.They will DENY they don't give a crap about your feelings.And then say "they just dont get bothered over things like that ..you are just "more sensitive" than them..(too sensitive).They don't "like to argue" ..so they let things "roll off" their shoulders..i.e ..You are too sensitive..they are more balanced ...you like to argue...the enjoy peace and harmony.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Whoa. That just summed up the last 6 months of my marriage. LOL dang.


Lets just say I've "been around the block".Took me 20+ years to figure out what I just described and what you "call it' and that I'm NOT bat **** crazy (not in that way at least) unless I was DRIVEN to it by covert aggression /avoidance/being told I'm "too sensitive" /dismsissed in a way he was "rational one" critisisims disguised as "helping me" "jokes" that no one was laughing but him also made me have "no sense of humor" etc..

These people I don't think also can "see" how they are.My guy plainly states hes "a simple man with simple needs" ..I'm "complex".Me...the direct one.the one that is honest with myself..the one that hates secretiveness and "pretending' that wants to face an issue ..that hates games is the "complex one"..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My fog was thick when I didn't see things for what they are/were in my marriage. Love is blind, I guess. But now...dang...it's nice to have emotions again and to NOT feel bad about having them and to be able to hash it out with someone without fear they are going to leave or walk away. Or laugh! 

OP, if you feel invalidated or disrespected or put down, then you are. I don't know what to tell you because i've been there myself and didn't truly SEE it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Its like if somebody backs into you and steps on your foot..You yell OOUGH!!! Then they say ..you were standing too close behind them.They didn't "mean to" step on your foot.That wouldn't have hurt them ...your too sensitive and you should't yell like that you big baby.But "sorry you can't handle a little pain" Next time I'll be sure to walk on eggshells.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ah. Yes. The eggshells. 

But...I should have known how emotionally dead he was when I experienced 2 deaths in my family over 3 years and didn't even get an "I'm sorry" or a hug from him. Yea.

Sorry OP for jacking your thread! I'm done.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My fog was thick when I didn't see things for what they are/were in my marriage. Love is blind, I guess. But now...dang...it's nice to have emotions again and to NOT feel bad about having them and to be able to hash it out with someone without fear they are going to leave or walk away. Or laugh!
> 
> OP, if you feel invalidated or disrespected or put down, then you are. I don't know what to tell you because i've been there myself and didn't truly SEE it.


Its hard to "identify" because its more "subtle" and you start to doubt your self and wonder if they are right.And it WILL drive you crazy if you don't know the "game" .So then you may BECOME hypersensitive..suspicious...feel guilty..develop low self esteem etc..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Whats really funny?(in a "gotcha") kind of way..my husband used to BOAST that he "likes to avoid conflict" so he KNEW that about himself and counted it as an attribute he had..and further in comparison to me who on the other hand he deemed "enjoys arguing".."likes to argue" and "looks for conflict" while he "likes to get along" (fill in 5o variations of ME having the dysyfunction)..Now that its fairly pshychology 101 that puts HIM in the hot seat for going about LIVING realistically with a SO for 100 years ?That avoiding conflict at ALL cost is a marriage killer?Now he denies he avoids it and does the ole.."I've been available to you "..I have "talked with you for hours"..His now refusal to acknowledge that his professed "gift" CAUSES a deepening of conflict and additional conflict is par for the course.

These types have some sort of DEEP fear and insecurity of being "wrong".Or being viewed as "bad".


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

YES it is rude and hurtful to label someone who has feelings as being dramatic, oversensitive, or any other terms that are used to belittle someones emotions. If you study emotional abuse, that is commonly the a way an abuser regains control and changes the topic. It also makes the victim feel bad and question her/himself.

However it's not always abuse when that happens. Often it's men or women that get frustrated at the emotions represented and so they lash back in that way. Only when it's methodical is it true abuse.

Feelings are NOT debatable. This is something difficult for some people to understand. Feelings are real, and happened to that person, whether for logical or illogical reason, and you cannot argue them away. They must be dealt with in a respectable caring manner from their partner.

Stand strong to your feelings. You are okay to feel them.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

comicbooklady said:


> yes it is rude and hurtful to label someone who has feelings as being dramatic, oversensitive, or any other terms that are used to belittle someones emotions. If you study emotional abuse, that is commonly the a way an abuser regains control and changes the topic. It also makes the victim feel bad and question her/himself.
> 
> However it's not always abuse when that happens. Often it's men or women that get frustrated at the emotions represented and so they lash back in that way. Only when it's methodical is it true abuse.
> 
> ...


amen!!!!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Ah. Yes. The eggshells.
> 
> But...I should have known how emotionally dead he was when I experienced 2 deaths in my family over 3 years and didn't even get an "I'm sorry" or a hug from him. Yea.
> 
> Sorry OP for jacking your thread! I'm done.


Jack it all you want, I am learning from your conversation!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

anony2 said:


> Jack it all you want, I am learning from your conversation!


Its called "relating" ..in fact what we WISH our SO's were capable of..LISTENING ..UNDERSTANDING ..rational INPUT!!! Wow how "complex"


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, I am realizing there was no relating in my marriage. I would talk. He would sit there. Try to sexually touch me. Maybe make a joke about things and then that was it.

Dang. The longer I detach, the more I see.


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## CrazyWoman (Jun 23, 2012)

So besides knowing and understanding the game, what does one do about it? I would suppose there is therapy for the one enduring this with their spouse to attempt to stay grounded. Rather costly though. Divorce doesn't seem like a good option. Call them on it in attempt to make them stop...that particular time. 

I don't know the answers. Just asking for ideas. Obviously I have one of these and already endured the "drama, drama, drama. I just need to not have drama in my life," just this morning.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I am realizing there was no relating in my marriage. I would talk. He would sit there. Try to sexually touch me. Maybe make a joke about things and then that was it.
> 
> Dang. The longer I detach, the more I see.


Yeah right..did he ever look at you like he was listening then reach out in the middle(of you "talking) and pinch your nipples?(WHEN YOU WERE BEING SERIOUS)..

Yeah or say something like.....hmm..(after you poured your heart out ) .. and say you are a "MILF"?(and I didn't even know what a MILF WAS!!!!!)

Did he "pretend" he was listeining and take words like "come" and start laughing and say "****** I'll come ****** in your ******)..and then you said "never mind" then they said "you cant take a joke' or you are a prude "?

Mine did.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Omg. The nipple pinch. Yep.

He didn't have a sexual sense of humor but yea...jokes...I'd pour my heart out and he'd just sit there. I'd talk about something serious and he'd smirk. 

Oh well. No need to worry about it now. It's just amazing what I didn't want to see or admit.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

CrazyWoman said:


> So besides knowing and understanding the game, what does one do about it? I would suppose there is therapy for the one enduring this with their spouse to attempt to stay grounded. Rather costly though. Divorce doesn't seem like a good option. Call them on it in attempt to make them stop...that particular time.
> 
> I don't know the answers. Just asking for ideas. Obviously I have one of these and already endured the "drama, drama, drama. I just need to not have drama in my life," just this morning.


I don't "know" answers either..Awareness helps so you don't feel like its "all your fault" and you cant just "loosen up"..Like there is something SO WRONG with you that you cant just "relax"and "get" along with a "nice guy".When the reality is they are distant insensitive a- holes!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband NEVER made me feel bad for having emotions. Never said anything wrong about them. He just wouldn't/didn't engage and that's just as bad, imo.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Omg. The nipple pinch. Yep.
> 
> He didn't have a sexual sense of humor but yea...jokes...I'd pour my heart out and he'd just sit there. I'd talk about something serious and he'd smirk.
> 
> Oh well. No need to worry about it now. It's just amazing what I didn't want to see or admit.


Did he ever look at you with glazed over eyes and lick his lips?Or do the "snake" as I call it the whiiping tonge..think Hannable Lecture eating a brain with fatha beans...:BoomSmilie_anim:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> My husband NEVER made me feel bad for having emotions. Never said anything wrong about them. He just wouldn't/didn't engage and that's just as bad, imo.


Ignoring..that's NOT GOOD..


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Omg no. He'd just zone out...stare at the TV...glance at me...stare at TV.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Omg no. He'd just zone out...stare at the TV...glance at me...stare at TV.


TIME for the SLEDGE HAMMER to smash the T.V so then you can REALLY be crazy!!!!

Thats NOT even illegal!!!!:smthumbup:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh it wasn't even our shows. lol Usually a kid show.

All the signs I see NOW...the veil has been lifted. And I confront him about them...and get some answers. It's good.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I am realizing there was no relating in my marriage. I would talk. He would sit there. Try to sexually touch me. Maybe make a joke about things and then that was it.
> 
> Dang. The longer I detach, the more I see.


Gosh it sounds like you're describing my marriage just over a year ago. I am SOOOOOO sorry you're in this situation 

There is a lot your husband needs to be aware of and change, no doubt! But there are some things you can try to reach through him. Basically, view each of you as speaking a different language (and communication-wise, you really are as a man and woman) and you just need to learn more of each other's language.

These things REALLY helped me get through to my husband (over time; it took quite a few tries to sink in)

1) Approach him differently. Men are VERY sensitive to criticism. If you say something that CAN be viewed as criticism, they will view it that way. And THAT is what they focus in on instead of what you need them to: your feelings. So until they get their side figured out you can:

a) Turn the conversations onto yourself. Instead of "I didn't like it when you _____" Say it more in terms of your feelings FIRST, not his actions " I felt very hurt when you _____. Did you mean for me to feel hurt?" This opens the door for him to address your feelings easier, and sounds much less blaming.

b) Be sweet in tone as often as possible. Include loving gestures when possible (like touching his arm, looking in his eyes, muster a smile when you can) this shows him you are approaching him with your defenses down and will less likely trigger his.

2) Be more open to how HE shows his love for you. You communicate your love differently than he does. When you bring a concern to your husband, he will most likely offer you a logical solution to it. This to you, feels like invalidation, and like he's saying you shouldn't feel a certain way. It helps A-LOT when you're able to recognize and accept that when he triest to "fix" your feelings, _he's actually doing it because he loves you and wants you to feel better!_ I know that's crazy that the exact thing that drives us away is his attempt to make us feel loved, but it's true!! 

So now when my husband does this, I surpress the urge to feel hurt, and instead say something like "Honey, I really appreciate you trying to help me. What I really need from you right now is to care about my feelings in this situation. Do you care that I feel _____? " This redirects him back to your feelings, and also shows appreciation for his attempt to love you (which is important to show appreciation to him, even if it doesn't come across the way we'd like)

To That_Girl: When your husband sits all stony and then tries to sexually touch you, of COURSE that makes you feel like he doesn't give a crap about your feelings. You are right to feel that way.

But if you were to look at it in another way, I see a man who wants to help his wife, is confused by her feelings, and not knowing what to do, tries to change the topic or do something light-hearted. Men feel the same connection WE do by talking/relating to eachother by having sex. So his initiation to have sex may be an attempt to relate to you in the way HE knows how.

He obviously needs help relating to you, and to research your needs with him to help him understand. Maybe some of the steps above could try and help you reach him?

Either way, I am so so so sorry for your pain  I really hope things get resolved soon. BIG HUG!


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> If someone said your emotions are drama it's because they truly don't give a crap about how you feel and aren't in tune with their own feelings.
> 
> This is just my experience with emotionally unavailable people.



I agree entirely with this post. Those who say "drama" dismiss a person's fellings in a very shallow way. 

The type of person to do so will probably the cheating type, one that likes to blame everyone else except themselves and then pass off any concerns you may have as "drama." 

Such people emotionally unavailable are likely to say it was time to walk away from all the "drama" and surround themselves with people who make them happy!

Problem is life always has ups and downs for everyone, unless exceptional in some way and a problem shared is a problem halved in any good relationship.

A decent person doesn't walk away at the first sign of trouble. They support their spouse or significant other. 

A good relationship is about sticking through the good times and the bad and certainly not passing off any worries or conflict as "drama".

A drama is a situation or succession of events in real life having the dramatic progression or emotional effect characteristic of a play.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I don't need to try to understand him. A month ago he said he never wanted this life or marriage...loves me, but not as a husband should...blah blah. I knew it was coming as it happened 1.5 years ago but that time he moved out for 3 months. 

We're fine as roommates, atm...but...I dunno for how long. I'm just seeing MORE now that I'm seeing him for who he is. It's strangely beautiful...in a sad type of way.

Divorce will be soon. Not sure...gotta wait to get paid to file.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

Well... i don't consider it drama. I usually make an effort to explain what i meant and why i said so, apologize if appears that I hurt the person. But if it just turns into an infinite discussion over and over again I consider it a drama. In this situation I either stop talking or ask “What do you want me to do now?” I don’t really like to talk about how I feel I sometime could try to figure what did he mean by saying that and what does he want me to do.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Oh I don't need to try to understand him. A month ago he said he never wanted this life or marriage...loves me, but not as a husband should...blah blah. I knew it was coming as it happened 1.5 years ago but that time he moved out for 3 months.
> 
> We're fine as roommates, atm...but...I dunno for how long. I'm just seeing MORE now that I'm seeing him for who he is. It's strangely beautiful...in a sad type of way.
> 
> Divorce will be soon. Not sure...gotta wait to get paid to file.


Ah I see. I am sorry to hear it is even worse than just miscommunication  How AWFUL of him to say he never even wanted to be married to you. I am so sorry *Big Bug*


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

hekati said:


> Well... i don't consider it drama. I usually make an effort to explain what i meant and why i said so, apologize if appears that I hurt the person. But if it just turns into an infinite discussion over and over again I consider it a drama. In this situation I either stop talking or ask “What do you want me to do now?” I don’t really like to talk about how I feel I sometime could try to figure what did he mean by saying that and what does he want me to do.


I leave...LOL!! Including climbing the neihbors trees (which I like)the roof...

What do you want me to do???LISTEN to me..Understand me!!!Stop ingnoring ME!!Stop expectign me to be your bedmate when you cant /wont even KNOW me!!!Outside of bed!

BLAHHH!!!


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

That_Girl: This may be of no use to you, but I happened to mention what your husband said to My husband because I thought it was horrible of him. My husband (who sounds quite similar in that he used to treat me in that way) responded to that and he said:

"That man said what he said because he is hurting. His pride is hurt because his marriage isn't working in some area and he feels inadequate. His hurt pride turns to resentment and he said something he shouldn't have. He'll have to answer for the pain the comment caused her, but he didn't mean it"

If your husband apologized to you (and sincerely) for the great amount of pain he's caused you, and stood accountable for all of it, would you be able to forgive him a little and try to work with him more?

Either way, my heart goes out to you and your hardships


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anony2 said:


> If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama?


If my partners feelings about what I said are irrational then yes...it`s drama.



> Are emotions drama?


Drama can create emotions.
Emotions can create drama.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> That_Girl: This may be of no use to you, but I happened to mention what your husband said to My husband because I thought it was horrible of him. My husband (who sounds quite similar in that he used to treat me in that way) responded to that and he said:
> 
> "That man said what he said because he is hurting. His pride is hurt because his marriage isn't working in some area and he feels inadequate. His hurt pride turns to resentment and he said something he shouldn't have. He'll have to answer for the pain the comment caused her, but he didn't mean it"
> 
> ...


Oh thank you.  But this is the SECOND time he's said this in 2 years. The last time, he moved out for 3 months and moved home when he was fired. Then he pretended until now.

I wouldn't trust an apology for anything.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> If my partners feelings about what I said are irrational then yes...it`s drama.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


And who gets to decide if your partners feelings are irrational?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Whoa. lol. I was with a guy like that.

He'd say something and it would be....wow...and i'd react (as I did then because he was so....wow...) and then he'd say I was crazy and "irrational".

14 years later and he's the nut.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Whoa. lol. I was with a guy like that.
> 
> He'd say something and it would be....wow...and i'd react (as I did then because he was so....wow...) and then he'd say I was crazy and "irrational".
> 
> 14 years later and he's the nut.


I've been married to one for 25 years...:lol:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Drama Drama!! Drama drama drama DRAMA!!!


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Drama Drama!! Drama drama drama DRAMA!!!


And that is irrational! :smthumbup:

:rofl:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

anony2 said:


> And who gets to decide if your partners feelings are irrational?


I do.

If my wife asks me...

"Does this blouse look ok?"

and I answer...

"It`s bunched up in the back babe fix that and you're good"

and she replies...

"You never liked the way I dress, I don`t know why the hell you married me if you`re not even attracted to me, I can`t help it if I can`t seem to lose these 10 extra pounds why the hell do you keep bringing it up and throwing it in my face?!!"

Then yes, I get to decide if her feelings are irrational.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well, irrational or not, that's a big ol' shetstorm but easier talked about when someone doesn't feel invalidated by being called irrational.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

dallasapple said:


> I've been married to one for 25 years...:lol:


i never married mine. Just had a kid, and moved out after almost 3 years. Dude. Our daughter says, "Mom, I get why you left him." lmao. I never have said a word. I knew she'd see him sooner than later.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I do.
> 
> If my wife asks me...
> 
> ...


It's YOUR OPINION that she's irrational. Fine.

But you cannot decide for the both of you that she's irrational. In the instance you gave she's just feeling hurt because of external issues. That's not irrational. She'd needs you to assure her you still find her attractive NOT treat her like her feelings are irrational. How hurtful for her. 

EDIT: But to be fair, I understand when she presents her feelings in that emotional state, it would be hard not to react adversely to it. It takes practice.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Well, irrational or not, that's a big ol' shetstorm but easier talked about when someone doesn't feel invalidated by being called irrational.


What am I stupid?

Only a man with a death wish would come out and say she was being irrational while she was being irrational.

You just back off and go back to her later, calmly lovingly find out what`s really bugging her and don`t bring the irrational episode up.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> But you cannot decide for the both of you that she's irrational.


I never implied I could and frankly my opinion carries more weight with me than nearly anyone else's so....



> In the instance you gave she's just feeling hurt because of external issues. That's not irrational. She'd needs you to assure her you still find her attractive.


Yes, I know but that doesn't change the fact that the imaginary episode I made up above is definitely unnecessary drama.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> EDIT: But to be fair, I understand when she presents her feelings in that emotional state, it would be hard not to react adversely to it. It takes practice.


Yes, it does take some practice.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I never implied I could and frankly my opinion carries more weight with me than nearly anyone else's so....


Nothing I can say can change your mind here, so I won't try. But personally, it's sad you cannot respect your wife's opinion to be at least equal to yours 





> Yes, I know but that doesn't change the fact that the imaginary episode I made up above is definitely unnecessary drama.


In your opinion, it is. To her it's not. Her needs to be reassured are not unnecessary. If you shove aside her POV you hurt her and invalidate her.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I get called grumpy or pms if I have any negative emotions.

He won't directly confront anything. He does passive aggressive things to get back at me.

He will make sure he doesn't give me what I want or need.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

ComicBookLady said:


> Nothing I can say can change your mind here, so I won't try. But personally, it's sad you cannot respect your wife's opinion to be at least equal to yours


I never implied that either.
My wife's opinion is just as valid to her as mine is to me.
I cannot however even attempt to believe someone is being rational when they are freaking out over nothing just to validate their opinion.
I don`t think anyone can.



> In your opinion, it is. To her it's not. Her needs to be reassured are not unnecessary. If you shove aside her POV you hurt her and invalidate her.


Here's the kicker.

In the imaginary episode I wrote above her POV isn`t valid..not valid even a bit.
To claim it is just to validate her feelings is not only wrong it's unethical and a self-invalidation of my POV.
It's drinking the Kool-Aid.

In other words ..
I won`t agree that up is down just to make you feel good about yourself.

It`s not my problem though as I didn't marry the kind of person who would ever give me the grief I was getting in my imaginary scenario above.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I never implied that either.
> My wife's opinion is just as valid to her as mine is to me.
> I cannot however even attempt to believe someone is being rational when they are freaking out over nothing just to validate their opinion.
> I don`t think anyone can.
> ...


Yea... I was reading through that scenario and thought to myself "WTF does a blouse bunched up in the back and only needing a bit of rearranging have to do with not being attracted to the wife and/or not being able to lose 10 pounds?" Damn...yea, that one is definitely an irrational outburst!

That said... somehow, I doubt that anony2 is having THAT kind of problem with her husband....


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

tacoma said:


> I never implied that either.
> My wife's opinion is just as valid to her as mine is to me.
> I cannot however even attempt to believe someone is being rational when they are freaking out over nothing just to validate their opinion.
> I don`t think anyone can.
> ...



I think I am understanding you better. I think you're talking about how her _reaction_ to her valid feelings are what you view as irrational? 

I understand how from your side it would be HARD not to think she's irrational. From your POV she is seemingly having a big reaction to what YOU deem is a small thing. But to _her_ she's having a big reaction to a BIG thing. So it would hurt her to have you treat something she views as BIG as something unworthy of your care.

If you came home from work over the roof with happiness and excitedly told your wife about this awesome raise you just got, and she responded with "meh" because to HER the raises weren't that big of a deal, wouldn't that hurt?

Wouldn't it have been nicer if she considered POV about the raise first and responded in a way more respectful to your feelings? THAT's what I'm suggesting in this case. It's just being NICE to the other person.

Either way, I appreciate we have differing views, and I am truly happy you found a wife who syncs with you so well.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I think that we all know people who are never happy unless they are miserable. Drama can be described in many of the ways I have seen her but my own personal definition of drama is when they have a big reaction to everything. We identify it easily in children. Drama, imho, is intentionally created to provoke a reaction (or a distraction). Again, we all know it when we see it. The problem comes when we think we see it when it isn't there.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

ComicBookLady said:


> If you came home from work over the roof with happiness and excitedly told your wife about this awesome raise you just got, and she responded with "meh" because to HER the raises weren't that big of a deal, wouldn't that hurt?
> 
> Wouldn't it have been nicer if she considered POV about the raise first and responded in a way more respectful to your feelings? THAT's what I'm suggesting in this case. It's just being NICE to the other person.
> 
> Either way, I appreciate we have differing views, and I am truly happy you found a wife who syncs with you so well.


Come on, I had it lot of time. Not a big deal. I know my spouse is happy about my raise deep down inside because now probably we will be able afford better vacation or something he’d liked to buy. And could be he is just not in the mood to talk about that right now. So ****ing what?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ComicBookLady said:


> Wouldn't it have been nicer if she considered POV about the raise first and responded in a way more respectful to your feelings? THAT's what I'm suggesting in this case. It's just being NICE to the other person.


Just so I am understanding what you are saying.... you would want your spouse to tell you it looks good, even if it needs a minor adjustment because it is, as int he scenario described, "bunched up in the back"? You would want your spouse to say it looks good, as you are getting ready to walk out the door to go to a party or something...even if it needs to be adjusted.... to "be nice to the other person"? That is foreign to me. I prefer my husband to tell me the truth. If the blouse is bunched up, TELL ME, so I can fix it. I'd say it's "being NICE to the other person" by telling that there is a minor adjustment needed... :scratchhead:

Then again... I don't fly off the handle about not being attracted to me being equal to a bunched up shirt.


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## hekati (Jan 24, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I leave...LOL!! Including climbing the neihbors trees (which I like)the roof...
> 
> What do you want me to do???LISTEN to me..Understand me!!!Stop ingnoring ME!!Stop expectign me to be your bedmate when you cant /wont even KNOW me!!!Outside of bed!
> 
> BLAHHH!!!


LOL. I had actually one guy that told me something like “you are interested only in sex with me and you are not interested in my feelings”. I was shocked – “What? Did I hear it right?” Well… I said I think I can talk for a while trying to figure what upsets my SO. But it should go somewhere. It should go toward a solution, not just go around the hurt feelings over and over. Something like: ”Ok, I didn’t mean to say you are stupid, I just said it is a waste of time to pay attention to certain things. Just let’s try to figure out what should we do. If there is a problem it must be a solution. Ok, I understood already that it bothers you. Let’s think, what should we do to eliminate the problem?“ Something like that? LOL


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

On the bunched skirt topic, I'd take the opportunity to ask my hubby if he wanted to personally adjust it for me, if you catch my drift.


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## ComicBookLady (Feb 28, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Just so I am understanding what you are saying.... you would want your spouse to tell you it looks good, even if it needs a minor adjustment because it is, as int he scenario described, "bunched up in the back"? You would want your spouse to say it looks good, as you are getting ready to walk out the door to go to a party or something...even if it needs to be adjusted.... to "be nice to the other person"? That is foreign to me. I prefer my husband to tell me the truth. If the blouse is bunched up, TELL ME, so I can fix it. I'd say it's "being NICE to the other person" by telling that there is a minor adjustment needed... :scratchhead:
> 
> Then again... I don't fly off the handle about not being attracted to me being equal to a bunched up shirt.


No, his response was fine (the "tuck in your blouse..." comment). I've been discussing how in that example, he cannot understand why she would react that way, so he doesn't seem to consider his wife's different POV of the situation as valid.

As for the "raise" situation, I didn't say to lie to the other person, I said to _give a response more considerate to his feelings_. Meaning, she would hold back my true feelings (the "meh") and instead say something like "I am so happy for you" (truth) or " We should celebrate your accomplishment!" (helping him celebrate). No lies. If she didn't consider his POV as valid (because her opinion differs) then she would just say whatever she wanted and probably really hurt her husband's feelings.

The "how do I look, honey" obviously is a different beast, so you pick your poison in that situation :rofl: I understand how difficult a situation that must be.

EDIT: Sorry, I realize I've gone off on a slight tangent discussing things with people. Sorry OP!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Fledgling said:


> On the bunched skirt topic, I'd take the opportunity to ask my hubby if he wanted to personally adjust it for me, if you catch my drift.


That`s the kind of wife I married.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

What's happening now "that girl".

Words are important but it is the actions that count!


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Oh and I will add..its very damaging in the long run to have your feelings dismissed and mocked and critisized as "drama" if its the running theme.There is no better understanding or learning going on between the 2 for one.And secondly but no less damaging is you never get closure so those feelings not understood validated just get stacked up over the years and what were mole hills that could have been resolved become a collective mountain.They may continue to spill out and then are rejected again as "holding a grudge" or "never getting over it" or keeping a list of wrongs.Which further antagonizes you .Eventually you have just an overall feeling of hurt/ negativity /resentment but you can't put your finger on any "one thing" that caused you to feel this way.Then the next step (for the conflict avoider) usually is to accuse you of "always being angry".Its also common in my experience for them to issue sometimes a shallow apology just to get you to shut up.And you know this then the accsusation is another cut down/critisism to "add" to the list of hurts that "sorry isn't good enough for you".


Are you talking about me and my H here? Feels like you've been a fly on the wall in our home for many years!


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Exactly the problem solving is HALTED when one is left to solve it on their own which is impossible .Sure pick your battles.But if the norm is you will will be dismissed and stonewalled(stonewalling is a refusal to be a part of conflict resolution leaving the other one basically "stuck" )You are left ALONE and charged with just "get over it".The problems are not only never solved they turn into a giant mass of negative emotions festering.Eventually leading to a relational death sentence "Contemp".


And in our case a seeking of "understanding and comfort" outside of the marriage.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

I think if your partner has an issue with something you said/did and comes to you to discuss, you should just listen without interrupting.

When you interrupt, you're not listening, which could make them feel invalidated/dismissed or feel like they don't exist and it seems like that leads to the "drama".


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Drama is what happens when someone's reactions are far out of propotion to what they're complaining about. Instead of "You didn't pick up our child from school because you wanted to do something that I thought wasn't a good reason" turns into a four hour discussion = drama.


Not neccessarily. It turns into a 4 hour discussion because along with the irresponsibilty of not collecting your child when you said you would you've AGAIN put your needs before mine as it AGAIN left me to cancel my plans and collect OUR child myself.

Us self professed "drama queens" never want to talk for 4 hours for the sake of talking and hashing out ISSUES (I hate that bloody word). It's usually because we feel UNHEARD, diesrespected and STONEWALLED.

To the person it may seem out of proportion, agreed, but that in itself is indication that that person is not really taking seriously the concerns of their spouse.

I think in me and my H's case, I have cried wolf and never followed through. He see's this as DRAMA. He's stopped listening and it would seem I've only intensified.


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

The thing is I have had an "irrational" meltdown at a roast chicken being slighty salty all the way to "Nothing I do has ever been good enough for you".

Okay, for all of you who will see this as "yup.. thats the drama we're talking about" let me please put this into context.

It's a build up. Yes, I am a talker and perhaps can over extend a discussion as I like to analyse and compare and contrast etc BUT I am not a crazy woman who ends up in a heap due to my heavy usage of salt.

It's an accumulation. Can I see I've over-reacted? Yes. Do I feel like I'm being ridiculous? Yes. Do I stand back a few hours later and think, wtf, why did I get so psycho? Yes.

It build up and up and up and up until you snap. Being dismissed on a daily basis. Being told you are full of issues when all your trying to do is discuss how you feel. Being told to "fall into line" from day one of marriage is hard. It's wearing.

You start to believe that maybe I am just "creating" issues. Maybe I am just "bored". Factof the matter is I'm not. I am quite well adjusted (honestly!) but years of being put down and invalidated, to the point of actually believing it's all your fault. Being scared of sharing how that incident made you feel as you know word for word what the response will be "why do you not just deal with these things empty? Why do you have to TALK about everything?"

After a while you tend to feel you're alone in a marriage.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

anony2 said:


> If you partner comes to you and talks to you about how they felt about something that you said, do you consider it drama?
> 
> Are emotions drama?


I know people who consider drama anything at all they do not want to deal with. A healthy discussion is not drama.


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## MissMe (Feb 26, 2013)

empty3 said:


> The thing is I have had an "irrational" meltdown at a roast chicken being slighty salty all the way to "Nothing I do has ever been good enough for you".
> 
> Okay, for all of you who will see this as "yup.. thats the drama we're talking about" let me please put this into context.
> 
> ...


This is not what i consider well adjusted. :scratchhead:


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## empty3 (Mar 12, 2013)

When I look at other areas of my life I am well adjusted. I am able to listen and put things in perspective. I am able to listen to other people's concerns and react to them. I care about other people's pov etc.

I am well aware I need to not take everything as critisicm and on the whole I'm open to it. The times where I'm not I am trying hard to not react. Remove myself from the situation and come back to it when I'm calmer.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

MissMe said:


> I know people who consider drama anything at all they do not want to deal with. A healthy discussion is not drama.


I know some of these people too.


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