# Getting back together after a separation



## holycow9

This past January my wife and I separated with the intention of divorce because neither of use were happy. I moved out and we kept as little contact as possible. We have children so zero contact wasn't possible. During the time we were separated my wife acted like a complete *****. I was seeing another woman during that time and my wife was extremely pissed off about it. Her behavior made it easy to stay separated, I'll tell you that. It was a side of her that I have never seen and couldn't imagine coming from her. 

My wife was pregnant when we separated, which I was NOT aware of. She knew but hadn't yet told me and didn't disclose it when we separated. I found out in April, and only found out because one of our kids told me. Her reasoning is that she didn't want to get back together solely because she was pregnant. As well as because I didn't want anymore kids. 

In May I ended things with the woman I had been seeing. In June my wife and I started trying to reconcile, very slowly and not so successfully. I moved back home in August, however it has not been smooth sailing. We are not sleeping in the same room, aside from the odd occasion, and it often feels like hostile roommates. The new baby is due in 3 weeks, all of our kids have been born 2 weeks early so it's fair to say this baby could come any day. 

I don't know if my wife's actions are because she's pregnant and hormonal, or jealousy, or if she's just turned into a raging *****. She doesn't want me to touch her most of the time. She wants every tiny detail of those 5 months that we were separated. It has reached the point of my wife asking if/why the sex with the other woman was better, why I chose her, what I said to her during sex, if I said I loved her, what ****ing sex positions we used. Obviously I'm NOT talking to my wife about that. I'm trying to save a marriage, not destory one. 

Is this normal behavior? If my wife had been with another man during our separation I wouldn't want the ****ing details. I think it's crazy and self-sabotaging that she does. How do I get her to drop the act and try at this reconciliation with me? If not, we are just wasting our time and re-hurting our kids.


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## Andy1001

First make sure the baby is yours.


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## Lostinthought61

this is a tough one i will be honest with you...and the reason i state that is because, anyone reading your post would think you were coming back for the kids.......i would go as far as to say that had she not been pregnant i don't think you would have gone back....you noted you don't like her attitude, you never mention how much you missed her, and you moved on to another woman...not sure you can save a marriage where there is no desire on either part to want to make this work...she is angry, whether you think she is justified or not you have to acknowledge that. so you both have to be honest with each other are you both staying in this relationship for the kids or is there still love between you too?


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## Ynot

Is what normal behavior? Because the entire post reads like an excerpt from a book about severe dysfunction. Sorry to sound harsh. But WTH? You separated in January and you immediately start seeing another woman? Then you wonder why your wife is acting like a *****? You found out she was pregnant in April, and stopped seeing the other woman in May? So I assume you were seeing her prior to April or less than 3 months after your and your wife separated. The in June you started this unsuccessful attempt at reconciliation and still moved back in in August? Why? If you weren't happy before what makes you think you would happy now? Oh and she is still acting like a ***** and won't let her touch her?
Man, it sounds like you need therapy, because nothing in that tale speaks of healthy people or a healthy relationship. Call a therapist pronto and go talk about your issues, because free advise on the internet is not what you need, professional help is.


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## WorkingOnMe

Why on earth are you reconciling with this woman? She sounds like a nightmare. *****y attitude, no sex, should have stayed apart. 


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## Mizzbak

This is quite a mess you are both in.

Two questions:

Why are you trying to reconcile with your wife? Apparently she went to some lengths to avoid reconciling simply for the new baby's sake. If that is primarily why you came back (especially if you didn't want another child) then I can imagine she is dealing with some significant hurt, pain and resentment. If she is also feeling at all trapped and resentful about her pregnancy itself (which I suspect I would in her situation), then she may not want to admit that to herself (because all mothers are supposed to only feel waves of maternal love towards their unborn babies); and you are the nearest available big, strong target. Are either or both of you in any form of therapy? Seems to me that talking about things with a neutral party could be helpful.

Finally - had you and your wife both agreed before-hand on the terms of the separation i.e. that you could both see other people? Or was that your decision alone? Frankly, if I were her I would suspect that anyone that you developed a relationship with that quickly was already around (in one way or another) before the separation. Pregnancy + separation + suspected infidelity would pretty much turn me into a raging *****.

On the plus side, once your baby is born, things may actually seem to get calmer as stuff goes underground to make way for louder priorities. But I wouldn't count on that lasting too long :| 

Out of curiousity, how many children do you already share?


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## Ynot

WorkingOnMe said:


> Why on earth are you reconciling with this woman? She sounds like a nightmare. *****y attitude, no sex, should have stayed apart.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I agree to ask why is he attempting to reconcile with this woman, but rather than blame her I think is there any part of this crappy relationship is worth saving? I don't know anything about her, but from what the OP stated, there are more serious issues to resolve than simply whether they should get back together.


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## ConanHub

Umm....

Fng other people doesn't help your marriage.

That was too nice..


Fng other people is one of the single most stupid fng things you can ever possibly do if you even have the possibility of getting back together with your SO.

Your marriage had trouble and was struggling. You sticking your d*** in another woman for months right after you separate killed it outright!

You have seriously hurt your wife and I doubt this can be overcome especially with your attitude.

If you want to reconcile you have a lot of work to do because you left her to f another woman.

That wouldn't, and shouldn't, be swallowed by most.

Quit treating her pain and interest in your fng around as trivial and you might have a ghost of a chance.

Get into MC and start taking what you did seriously.

You harmed your wife and family through your actions.

I'm sure your wife has some responsibility to own up to about the fall of your marriage but opening her legs for another man isn't one of the issues.

You are really surprised that she is acting b*****? You would get a glimpse of true hell if my wife did to me what you did to your spouse and I'm usually a very positive and friendly person.

Pull your head out and pay attention if you want any chance at saving this and quit trying to justify or ignore the massive damage YOU inflicted on your family.


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## holycow9

The new baby was conceived while we were still together. Asking for a DNA test got me no where other than a smack in the chest. 

If she wasn’t pregnant, no I don’t think I would have been urged to try again. That is besides the point since we are already here. We repaired the marriage once before. It was in a different state and my wife wasn’t a raging ***** but nonetheless it was bad. We loathed each other and came out on the other side. 

We suffered through the aftermath of our first child, who was unplanned. Our marriage wasn’t in much worse of a state than it is now. We didn’t separate, but might as well have. My wife wants to try again and our kids deserve it. We went through hell to stay together for our first. We came out on the other end and were happy. 

We were separated, there were no rules. My wife knew that I was seeing someone else, she was open to do the same if she wanted to. 

I share 4 kids with my wife, soon to be 5.

Saying I shouldn't have attempted to reconcile is a moot point, as we are already knee deep into it.


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## sokillme

holycow9 said:


> The new baby was conceived while we were still together. Asking for a DNA test got me no where other than a smack in the chest.
> 
> If she wasn’t pregnant, no I don’t think I would have been urged to try again. That is besides the point since we are already here. We repaired the marriage once before. It was in a different state and my wife wasn’t a raging ***** but nonetheless it was bad. We loathed each other and came out on the other side.
> 
> We suffered through the aftermath of our first child, who was unplanned. Our marriage wasn’t in much worse of a state than it is now. We didn’t separate, but might as well have. My wife wants to try again and our kids deserve it. We went through hell to stay together for our first. We came out on the other end and were happy.
> 
> We were separated, there were no rules. My wife knew that I was seeing someone else, she was open to do the same if she wanted to.
> 
> I share 4 kids with my wife, soon to be 5.
> 
> Saying I shouldn't have attempted to reconcile is a moot point, as we are already knee deep into it.


So were you seeing this women before or after you separated? Did you separate so you could see the women without feeling like you were cheating?


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## holycow9

I am not seeing that woman anymore. I separated from my wife for a multitude of reasons.


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## sokillme

holycow9 said:


> I am not seeing that woman anymore. I separated from my wife for a multitude of reasons.


What's the time frame? Wife we are divorcing, meet and start seeing the women, or Meet and start seeing the women, wife we are divorcing?


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## WorkingOnMe

holycow9 said:


> I am not seeing that woman anymore. I separated from my wife for a multitude of reasons.




Nice dodge. So were you cheating when you separated or not? None of this multitude of reasons crap. Was the other woman one of the reasons?


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## Mizzbak

holycow, let me tell you a story...

Two people are married. Not particularly happily, but hey, who has a great life all the time? Their marriage has a host of issues - many of them stemming from the fact that they had to get married and/or that their first child was unplanned. But somewhere along the line, they managed to evolve a relatively functional marriage. They had a few more kids. The kids all seemed reasonably happy, so the couple decided that they were both OK. Then around a year ago, the husband met another woman. Or maybe he had a friendship with another woman that began changing into something it shouldn't have. She was everything that the man's wife was not and he began deciding that he was, in fact, not even a little bit happy. 

So he struggled with his conscience for a while. Trying to decide what to do - he didn't want to hurt his kids by breaking up his family and their way of life. Maybe the financial consequences of divorce scared him off a bit. But then something changed. Maybe physical things started happening with the other woman, or maybe she told him that she had strong feelings for him. Maybe he started fighting even more than usual with his wife. About stupid stuff, but he was sick of always having to be the one who compromised to keep her happy. Or maybe his wife wanted to have another child, but he didn't. So he decided that he wasn't going to stay married anymore. And he told his wife that he wanted a separation. She was horrified. She didn't want him to move out, she wanted to work on their marriage ... just as they both had many times before. But he moved out anyway. And started a fantastic relationship with this other woman. (As he was ending his marriage, he didn't see the need to make the "how" of it a mutual decision with his wife. Besides, he decided generously, she could also see other men. It wasn't as though he cared that much.) The sex with this new woman was incredible - he was in love. It felt like it was the first time that things had ever been this good for him. 

His wife? Well, she behaved like a total ***** towards him. About him moving out, about money, about his time with the kids. And most especially about the other woman. Even if he was "separated" as far as he was concerned, that wasn't really how his wife saw it. And this other woman was the person who had taken him away from her. Then after a few months, things started to go downhill a little with his new love as reality set in. Maybe she didn't get on with his kids (or because she wasn't allowed to meet them, got resentful when he spent time and money on them)? Maybe he realised that she had qualities he couldn't live with... or didn't want to live with. Maybe she pressured him to move quicker on with his divorce so that they could get "together" more formally? Or maybe she decided that she didn't feel about him the way that he felt about her? So it ended. And there he was, a few months down the line, wanting/having to let go of the relationship that he had used to catalyse the end of his marriage. What to do? 

Then one day, one of his kids lets slip that his wife is pregnant. He confronts her ... and it's true. He's not ecstatic about it, but at the same time, the baby is his child. And he wants to be there for him/her. And maybe this is a way of going backwards in time. Because he's started to realise that the impact of ending his marriage on his family is very significant. So he generously makes the offer to his wife. He's willing to try again. She's pretty sure that this is because of the pregnancy - which it largely is. Which she didn't want at all. Having him back just because she's pregnant is only marginally less awful than not having him back at all. It isn't as though he actually wants her anyway - he just wants easy access to his kids. And yes, he's back because he wants to shoulder his full-time responsibility for his family again. Which is the honourable thing to do - especially as he has a very good understanding of how hard it's going to be once the baby is born. But he's not back for her. She's pretty much incidental. 

So here she is. Pregnant with a baby that she loves, in a situation that she hates. With a man that she possibly loves very much, or at the very least with a man that she could always previously depend on as her partner and father to her children. Who is now only with her because he doesn't have anywhere better to be, or maybe because he's realised that the alternative was not all that he thought it would be. And the fact that he left her several months ago and made love with another woman, whilst still married to her, makes that clear as daylight. Because now she isn't sure what she can depend on him for. Or for how long.

holycow, you've been very careful to say that your relationship with the other woman didn't end your marriage. But I'm guessing that it was already underway when you separated. Perhaps in your mind, you've been able to justify that your marriage was effectively over before you became involved with her. Here in the "we have experienced infidelity" circles we call that bull****. Because without the other woman in the equation you may very well have chosen to work on making your marriage better rather than walking away. And, I'm guessing from your wife's current state of mind (her anger and her obsession with your extramarital relationship) that she also doesn't see it like you do. From your wife's perspective, you were unfaithful to her. And you left your marriage to be with another person. If you genuinely want to try and save your marriage, you need to understand where your wife's anger comes from. And acknowledge the role that the extramarital relationship you started played in what happened before. And you need to work on understanding that your decision to have that relationship caused your wife great pain and an enormous loss in her ability to trust you. Otherwise you're not actually reconciling, you're just hanging around trying to be a better father than you were. Waiting until you're unhappy enough to leave again. If you're not prepared to do that, then divorce your wife properly. Support her in every way with your kids and through the birth of the baby ... but stop wasting both of your time thinking you can pretend the past year never happened.


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## holycow9

I had a platonic relationship with the woman for a long time, longer than my wife. I am no longer seeing her and trying to reconcile with my WIFE. Therefore that relationship, which has ended, seems irrelevant to the main point. Which is my wife, not someone else. Regardless of the circumstances, it has ended and my wife knew what she was reconciling to.


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## arbitrator

*If your wife knows the total, unfettered truth about the rationale of your separation and that both of you are clearly up for the many complications of entertaining reconciliation, then I'd say go for it!*


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## aine

WorkingOnMe said:


> Why on earth are you reconciling with this woman? She sounds like a nightmare. *****y attitude, no sex, should have stayed apart.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


My question would be why the hell is she reconciling with you? YOu had problems, separated to sort through them and then you immediately went and ****ed another woman, no wonder your wife is bat crazy. YOu obviously didn't think much of your marriage relationship if it was so easy to do what you did. 
Would you have been so calm if she had immediately gone and ****ed another man? I dont think so. If she has any sense she will proceed with divorce, you are not a man she should hang onto. I am sure she can find a more upright man than you.

I wonder what caused your marriage troubles in the first place, perhaps your genuine lack of committment to the marriage in the first place, I would bet money on it.


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## aine

holycow9 said:


> I am not seeing that woman anymore. I separated from my wife for a multitude of reasons.


Yiu did not answer he specific questions


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## sokillme

To be honest dude, it seems like at the very least you broke up with your wife to pursue this women, and the fact that you knew her for a while probably makes your wife feel like you were cheating on her the whole time, which it sounds like a good chance you were at least part of the time. At the very least you invested a lot of time in her while you were married. And your wife's worst fears were probably realized when you ended up with her after moving on cheating or not. 

My next question which we will see if you answer. Why did you and the other women not work out? Why did you get back with your wife? I am sure in your wife's mind she is your plan B, and you are only with her because of your kids, and maybe the fact that you and the other women didn't work out. You tested the water with this other women and decided the fantasy didn't live up to reality and now your back. That's not going to endear you to the person you left. 

If she was on here most of us would be telling her not to let herself be plan b. I suspect your wife very much feels like that. If you want her back really you need to work long and hard to prove she isn't. If that is even possible.


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## She'sStillGotIt

holycow9 said:


> I had a platonic relationship with the woman for a long time, longer than my wife. I am no longer seeing her and trying to reconcile with my WIFE. Therefore that relationship, which has ended, seems irrelevant to the main point. Which is my wife, not someone else. Regardless of the circumstances, it has ended and my wife knew what she was reconciling to.


All you've done is *DANCE* around this damned simple question about whether you were INVOLVED with this woman _*while you were still married*_ or not.

And your nasty ass attitude SCREAMS that you were.

So bottom line - you were screwing around with your lady friend, you and your wife separated with 'no rules' so you CONTINUED screwing around with your lady friend, and then you found out your wife was pregnant yet *again* (Jesus, someone needs a vasectomy) with number 5.

I feel SO damned sorry for your wife, being tethered to you with yet another baby, like 4 isn't enough. 



> Obviously I'm NOT talking to my wife about that. I'm trying to save a marriage, not destory one.


Your arrogance and lack of remorse are revolting. You're just ANOTHER lying, using, self-serving, remorseless ass-hole *cheater *who justifies everything he does and has the colossal nerve to call his wife a '*****' because she knows what a low life scumbag you really are and she calls you on it.

I hope you're rich, because child support for a litter of kids this size ain't cheap. Personally, I hope she throws you out on your arrogant ass, right to the curb. You would absolutely deserve it. 

And you KNOW it.


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## David51

ConanHub said:


> Umm....
> 
> 
> 
> Fng other people doesn't help your marriage.
> 
> 
> 
> That was too nice..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Fng other people is one of the single most stupid fng things you can ever possibly do if you even have the possibility of getting back together with your SO.
> 
> 
> 
> Your marriage had trouble and was struggling. You sticking your d*** in another woman for months right after you separate killed it outright!
> 
> 
> 
> You have seriously hurt your wife and I doubt this can be overcome especially with your attitude.
> 
> 
> 
> If you want to reconcile you have a lot of work to do because you left her to f another woman.
> 
> 
> 
> That wouldn't, and shouldn't, be swallowed by most.
> 
> 
> 
> Quit treating her pain and interest in your fng around as trivial and you might have a ghost of a chance.
> 
> 
> 
> Get into MC and start taking what you did seriously.
> 
> 
> 
> You harmed your wife and family through your actions.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm sure your wife has some responsibility to own up to about the fall of your marriage but opening her legs for another man isn't one of the issues.
> 
> 
> 
> You are really surprised that she is acting b*****? You would get a glimpse of true hell if my wife did to me what you did to your spouse and I'm usually a very positive and friendly person.
> 
> 
> 
> Pull your head out and pay attention if you want any chance at saving this and quit trying to justify or ignore the massive damage YOU inflicted on your family.




Well if you have been with another person while still married the worst thing you can do is admit it. I know the MC out there will strongly disagree but I have been there and Before knowing I was content in my ignorance. After I knew that changed ....long story short I am now remarried and happy.

I learned a lot from my first marriage and Reflect back to those days when I feel something is wrong and I sit my lovely wife down and we talk about whatever it mat be and often I find that she is right and I adjust my behavior. Life is way too short to live with someone who doesn't make you happy. Making love is what keeps you "inlove" when it becomes "just" sex I feel that you don't really need a partner for that. My advice is make love to and with your spouse. And also have some hot sex too but with your spouse not a stranger. Talk to him or her about your fantasies.....you are all adults, most of all be honest. An old saying "Truth is like a Lion, don't defend it.... Set it free and it will defend itself"



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## holycow9

It has nothing to do with dancing around questions. I did not come here to give every detail of my life and have people jump down my throat for things that are in the past, rather than try and focus on the present. In the present, I am trying to reconcile with my wife. I don't need to be told what I should or should not have done in the past.


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## GusPolinski

holycow9 said:


> It has nothing to do with dancing around questions. I did not come here to give every detail of my life and have people jump down my throat for things that are in the past, rather than try and focus on the present. In the present, I am trying to reconcile with my wife. I don't need to be told what I should or should not have done in the past.


Sooo... that's a yes, then?

You cheated?

And now you're whining that your betrayed wife is all mean and hurting your feewings?


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## aine

holycow9 said:


> It has nothing to do with dancing around questions. I did not come here to give every detail of my life and have people jump down my throat for things that are in the past, rather than try and focus on the present. In the present, I am trying to reconcile with my wife. I don't need to be told what I should or should not have done in the past.


Also typical, the past has an impact on the present, how can you not see that? Only people with something to hide or rug sweep always say not to bring up the past (i.e. cheater speak). 
We are anonymous people, we don't know you but frankly we are pretty accurate in reading your situation. You are pissed because we are calling you out on it. The reason why your marriage needed a separation was because of your lack of commitment to your marriage and wife, she was a ***** (according to you) because you couldn't do whatever the hell you liked, cake eat, etc. 
You are not on here looking for help, you are on here to look for justifications for your **** behavior, do your wife a favor and give her a divorce. There is a reason why she was reluctant to come back to you, pregnant or not, and I guess we have all figured it out.
Grow the hell up, if you can bring 5 kids into the world, then be an adult and own your **** first of all instead of blame shifting it onto your wife. Any man who can separate from his wife and go out and **** his 'friend' on a continuous basis was already sniffing around that 'friend' long before he left the marriage, so go pull the other one.


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## holycow9

I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years. We married when I was 22 and she was 19, because she was pregnant. We had been together for 4 months and we were pregnant, engaged and living together. She was against abortion, regardless of how unready we were as a couple and individuals. From the moment I found out and didn’t have the reaction she wanted she became miserable, *****y and picked fights over everything. When our first child was born she wanted nothing to do with me and we fought non-stop. For two years we were ****ing miserable and loathed each other. We only stayed together because we could not afford to live separately. We went to a marriage counsellor, spent a year fixing our **** and surprisingly we were happy for the next 6 years. 

5 years after our first was born we decided to try for another baby, that decision was mutual. What was NOT mutual was my bat **** crazy wife deciding to order fertility meds off the INTERNET when she has NO problem conceiving and take them. Enter, our twins. A fun fact I didn’t find out about until last year. She knows I would be against a multiples pregnancy and HID the pregnancy until she was something like 16 weeks pregnant and physically couldn't hide it anymore and I couldn't suggest abortion or selective reduction. Then it was an "Oh look honey I'm pregnant" we go for an "early ultrasound" and get "surprised" with twins AND being nearly halfway through a pregnancy. That fact was made known during my wife's labor by a nurse reviewing paperwork. 

Somehow we survived that time and 3 years ago had our 4th child. 

After our 4th I was DONE. I said no more kids, we had originally agreed on 3 MAYBE 4. My wife was completely against me getting a vasectomy so it kept getting pushed off. There is a 9-12 month wait list currently, as well as a 2 hour commute for the consultation, vasectomy and checkup, which also pushed it off. About this time last year I booked that appointment much to the dismay of my wife. And what the **** do you know, she winds up pregnant a few months later. She had an IUD, I don’t trust those odds. When questioned about it her response was that it “fell out”. Sure it did. She also refused to sell or donate all of our baby things “just in case”.

Our marriage was rushed and started off as a **** show and disaster. We never should have married so soon. I have a much better co-parenting relationship with another woman who I never married than my ****ing wife. 

Each time my wife has a baby (or babies) she forgets that I exist on this earth. With each baby it has become a little bit worse. She snaps out of it, eventually, but when she is in the mindset I could be run over by a semi in front of her and she wouldn’t notice. She pushed me out and was too blind to see it. Enter, a woman who has been in my life for 20 years. She had conversations with me, went out with me, engaged with me, cared about my day, showed an interest in me, made it clear that she was attracted to me and wanted me - very much unlike my wife. That relationship had ups and downs after each of my kids with my wife were born and eventually became my main relationship. I left my marriage and devoted a full relationship to that woman. It was ended shortly after my oldest blabbed about my wife being pregnant. 

My wife wanted nothing to do with me, until another woman did.


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## Adelais

holycow9 said:


> It has nothing to do with dancing around questions. I did not come here to give every detail of my life and have people jump down my throat for things that are in the past, rather than try and focus on the present. In the present, I am trying to reconcile with my wife. I don't need to be told what I should or should not have done in the past.


If your wife is a b**ch because she is hurt that you had a physical and emotional affair while you were separated from her....not even divorced yet....while she was vulnerably pregnant with your child.....then your past has a lot to do with your current situation.

My husband didn't even have sex with his AP (he wanted to save sex for marriage...gag), but he asked me for a D to marry her. We've reconciled...or at least have been trying for 8 years... I still have serious trust issues, and wonder who the hell he is.

You need to get honest with yourself first...then with your wife. If you want our help, you need to be honest with us as well.


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## Livvie

Sounds like the other woman has been there all along. I bet your wife always sensed it. You had a full marriage long emotional affair with another woman.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It's kind of important information that you had an affair and left your wife for the other woman. That makes a lot more reasons for her being a b*tch while seperated and being uncomfortable with sex again so soon. 

I may have missed it by why did you and the other woman break up? Did you do it or did she? 
Your words sound like you have more feelings for this woman than your wife. 


You want to live in the present but you have to fix the past first. It's not like this is 20 years ago. This is months. You're trying to rebuild on something you haven't made stable yet. It will fall. Go back and fix the base.


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## Lostinthought61

honestly holy cow...i don't see how you going back into relationship with her will curb her behavior, as you have noted to us its even worse...so who wanted the reconciliation ? because you are really aren't good together...and she only seems to want you if you can get her pregnant beyond that she seems to disown you...please explain your plan on how this is going to get better.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

He had a pretty long term EA (possibly PA) and then left his wife for the other woman. It doesn't sound like he's even over the OW and out of his fog yet. 

It's a lot of stress 3 weeks before delivery. At this point he pretty much has to wait past delivery and recovery. He might as well try on his end in the meantime. 

Understand things from his wife's pov, his cheating helped create this mess too. 
Work on his side of the marriage as best he can. Be open and honest about the details of the affair. 

If it doesn't work then it doesn't work. But he's stuck there a while in a crappy situation, he might as well clean up his end


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## David51

What is an EA or a PA. Is there a legend somewhere on this site that give the meanings of all the abbreviations?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

EA emotional affair 
PA physical affair 

I think there is a thread that has them but I don't know where. 

OW- other woman
WH/WW/WS- wayward husband, wife, spouse. The cheater 
BH/BW/BS- betrayed. The cheated on


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## sokillme

holycow9 said:


> I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years. We married when I was 22 and she was 19, because she was pregnant. We had been together for 4 months and we were pregnant, engaged and living together. She was against abortion, regardless of how unready we were as a couple and individuals. From the moment I found out and didn’t have the reaction she wanted she became miserable, *****y and picked fights over everything. When our first child was born she wanted nothing to do with me and we fought non-stop. For two years we were ****ing miserable and loathed each other. We only stayed together because we could not afford to live separately. We went to a marriage counsellor, spent a year fixing our **** and surprisingly we were happy for the next 6 years.
> 
> 5 years after our first was born we decided to try for another baby, that decision was mutual. What was NOT mutual was my bat **** crazy wife deciding to order fertility meds off the INTERNET when she has NO problem conceiving and take them. Enter, our twins. A fun fact I didn’t find out about until last year. She knows I would be against a multiples pregnancy and HID the pregnancy until she was something like 16 weeks pregnant and physically couldn't hide it anymore and I couldn't suggest abortion or selective reduction. Then it was an "Oh look honey I'm pregnant" we go for an "early ultrasound" and get "surprised" with twins AND being nearly halfway through a pregnancy. That fact was made known during my wife's labor by a nurse reviewing paperwork.
> 
> Somehow we survived that time and 3 years ago had our 4th child.
> 
> After our 4th I was DONE. I said no more kids, we had originally agreed on 3 MAYBE 4. My wife was completely against me getting a vasectomy so it kept getting pushed off. There is a 9-12 month wait list currently, as well as a 2 hour commute for the consultation, vasectomy and checkup, which also pushed it off. About this time last year I booked that appointment much to the dismay of my wife. And what the **** do you know, she winds up pregnant a few months later. She had an IUD, I don’t trust those odds. When questioned about it her response was that it “fell out”. Sure it did. She also refused to sell or donate all of our baby things “just in case”.
> 
> Our marriage was rushed and started off as a **** show and disaster. We never should have married so soon. I have a much better co-parenting relationship with another woman who I never married than my ****ing wife.
> 
> Each time my wife has a baby (or babies) she forgets that I exist on this earth. With each baby it has become a little bit worse. She snaps out of it, eventually, but when she is in the mindset I could be run over by a semi in front of her and she wouldn’t notice. She pushed me out and was too blind to see it. Enter, a woman who has been in my life for 20 years. She had conversations with me, went out with me, engaged with me, cared about my day, showed an interest in me, made it clear that she was attracted to me and wanted me - very much unlike my wife. That relationship had ups and downs after each of my kids with my wife were born and eventually became my main relationship. I left my marriage and devoted a full relationship to that woman. It was ended shortly after my oldest blabbed about my wife being pregnant.
> 
> My wife wanted nothing to do with me, until another woman did.


First off if you want good advice you have to give us all the facts. 

So why are you trying to get back with her than? Why not just be a good parent? Sounds like you were miserable, and ended up cheating.


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## GusPolinski

"Well, this blazing hot fire sure sucks, but I guess I'll get closer and throw this gasoline on it."


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## holycow9

Yes, I ****ed another woman while I was married. Happy? That relationship was ended by the woman because my wife hijacked my sperm to get herself knocked up and she didn't want to deal with crazy. Happy?

I think the focus should be that I'm trying to reconcile with my wife and that my wife is on board as well, not my reasons why. That I'm here and trying is reason enough.


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## aine

holycow9 said:


> I have been married to my wife for almost 10 years. We married when I was 22 and she was 19, because she was pregnant. We had been together for 4 months and we were pregnant, engaged and living together. She was against abortion, regardless of how unready we were as a couple and individuals. From the moment I found out and didn’t have the reaction she wanted she became miserable, *****y and picked fights over everything. When our first child was born she wanted nothing to do with me and we fought non-stop. For two years we were ****ing miserable and loathed each other. We only stayed together because we could not afford to live separately. We went to a marriage counsellor, spent a year fixing our **** and surprisingly we were happy for the next 6 years.
> 
> 5 years after our first was born we decided to try for another baby, that decision was mutual. What was NOT mutual was my bat **** crazy wife deciding to order fertility meds off the INTERNET when she has NO problem conceiving and take them. Enter, our twins. A fun fact I didn’t find out about until last year. She knows I would be against a multiples pregnancy and HID the pregnancy until she was something like 16 weeks pregnant and physically couldn't hide it anymore and I couldn't suggest abortion or selective reduction. Then it was an "Oh look honey I'm pregnant" we go for an "early ultrasound" and get "surprised" with twins AND being nearly halfway through a pregnancy. That fact was made known during my wife's labor by a nurse reviewing paperwork.
> 
> Somehow we survived that time and 3 years ago had our 4th child.
> 
> After our 4th I was DONE. I said no more kids, we had originally agreed on 3 MAYBE 4. My wife was completely against me getting a vasectomy so it kept getting pushed off. There is a 9-12 month wait list currently, as well as a 2 hour commute for the consultation, vasectomy and checkup, which also pushed it off. About this time last year I booked that appointment much to the dismay of my wife. And what the **** do you know, she winds up pregnant a few months later. She had an IUD, I don’t trust those odds. When questioned about it her response was that it “fell out”. Sure it did. She also refused to sell or donate all of our baby things “just in case”.
> 
> Our marriage was rushed and started off as a **** show and disaster. We never should have married so soon. I have a much better co-parenting relationship with another woman who I never married than my ****ing wife.
> 
> Each time my wife has a baby (or babies) she forgets that I exist on this earth. With each baby it has become a little bit worse. She snaps out of it, eventually, but when she is in the mindset I could be run over by a semi in front of her and she wouldn’t notice. *She pushed me out and was too blind to see it. Enter, a woman who has been in my life for 20 years. She had conversations with me, went out with me, engaged with me, cared about my day, showed an interest in me, made it clear that she was attracted to me and wanted me - very much unlike my wife. That relationship had ups and downs after each of my kids with my wife were born and eventually became my main relationship. I left my marriage and devoted a full relationship to that woman. It was ended shortly after my oldest blabbed about my wife being pregnant. *
> 
> My wife wanted nothing to do with me, until another woman did.


Short version you had an ongoing affair throughout your marriage, instead of dealing with the issue of kids. You had no problem having sex with your wife, you could have worn condoms, you could have had a vasectomy without your wife knowing, no instead you went for another woman. Put all the blame on your wife instead of taking responsibility for your own role. Unbelievable
Talk about putting a nuclear bomb in the middle of your marriage. Best thing to do is divorce, and a man of your thinking, your excuses, (if there are troubles in the marriage, you sit down and hammer them out, not go and hammer another woman with your ****). How much help did you give with the kids, etc, all you think about is oh woe is me, I have all these kids and my wife do not care for me, why on earth would your wife ever trust you again. No wonder your wife is so resentful, most women would have kicked you to the kerb a long long time ago.


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## ConanHub

Listen. From your posts, you do not love your wife.

Staying for the kids is a mistake.

Your wife being b****Y about your relationship with another woman is understandable.

You sound like you despise your wife.

She sounds manipulative and incompatible with you.

You can't put all the blame on her because you keep knocking up the manipulative wench.

You just need to know that you have just as much to work on in yourself, if not more, than your wife to make this R work.

If you aren't down for it, cut your losses and walk.


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## Mizzbak

holycow, I suspect that what many of us are having a problem with, is your definition of reconciliation. As a hint - just returning to live in the marital home (and being willing to take back on whatever responsibilities that entails) is not it. You've argued that you want to look forward to the future and not harp on the past. But it simply isn't possible to just draw a line through the past year(s). For you or for your wife. You posted asking for input on your wife's anger. We have told you that she's angry because you left her and had a physical relationship with another women (amongst other reasons). From what you've said, this was a very long term relationship with someone you still admire and care for very much. It not being physical/sexual until more recently doesn't change that. You being back now and willing to "stay married" doesn't change that either. 

From what you've written, I have some sympathy for your situation. Not your involvement with another woman, but your deep unhappiness in your marriage. And TBH (to be honest), I am not certain why you want to reconcile. Although you are back with your wife, you write of her with great resentment and bitterness. By "returning" to her because she is pregnant, you are falling into a pattern of behaviour that has already been repeated a thousand times before in your marriage. That saying attributed to Einstein about doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is very true here. You were unhappy enough to leave before. From what you say, aside from another pregnancy, nothing has changed. Perhaps the woman who motivated you to leave before has walked away, but you are still unhappy enough to leave again at some point in the future. Unless you address the root causes of your own unhappiness and anger, it is not going to wither and die of its own accord. And the same goes to your wife's pain and resentment around your relationship with the other woman. 

Reconciliation is about restoring harmony in a relationship. About being willing to grow together through mutually shared pain. If you truly want to reconcile with your wife, you both have a whole host of things to work through. Starting a list here - your affair (emotional and physical), your wife's patterns of deceit and manipulation ... 

Finally, in my opinion, if you are only back because your sense of duty demands that you "stand by" the woman who has most successfully reproduced on your behalf, then I think you need to critically assess your sense of duty.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

No one hijacked your sperm. 

Likely you were telling ow you weren't sleeping with the wife. Then suddenly Ow finds out your wife is pregnant and there goes that. 

Unfortunately for your ow, the cheater always lies about how "over" the marriage actually is and how bad things are at home. 

I absolutely believe your wife did wrong too. She probably neglected your needs and went into Mom mode with 4 kids and forgot that Wife is just as important. She didn't praise your effort. She didn't act sexual to you. You do need that as a husband. 

But then you had an affair and made an even bigger problem. Any chance of fixing your marriage (which I doubt will happen) now has to first repair the damage of your affair


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## Lostinthought61

Holy cow, honestly I'm not looking to put blame here, and I am trying to answer your original question but let's face it...you and your wife's interactions are definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Deny it all you want but one day reality will come home to roost. And for God sake get a vasectomy, because if you leave up to her, you'll have an entire baseball team. But what you need more than anything is a ton of counseling...individual and couple...and that is just to like each other. You can mad at us all you want but that does not make us wrong.


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## Ynot

Wow, just wow. That is my gut reaction. So the OP comes here looking for a shoulder to cry on and get slapped down instead and gets all defensive about his nothing he has done matters? I wonder if the OP's name is Frito Pendejo?


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## Blondilocks

Your wife is pregnant. She may not be having sex with you because she is afraid of contracting an STD which could affect her baby's health.


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## David51

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> EA emotional affair
> 
> PA physical affair
> 
> 
> 
> I think there is a thread that has them but I don't know where.
> 
> 
> 
> OW- other woman
> 
> WH/WW/WS- wayward husband, wife, spouse. The cheater
> 
> BH/BW/BS- betrayed. The cheated on




Thank you


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Youngwife1000

holycow9 said:


> This past January my wife and I separated with the intention of divorce because neither of use were happy. I moved out and we kept as little contact as possible. We have children so zero contact wasn't possible. During the time we were separated my wife acted like a complete *****. I was seeing another woman during that time and my wife was extremely pissed off about it. Her behavior made it easy to stay separated, I'll tell you that. It was a side of her that I have never seen and couldn't imagine coming from her.
> 
> 
> 
> My wife was pregnant when we separated, which I was NOT aware of. She knew but hadn't yet told me and didn't disclose it when we separated. I found out in April, and only found out because one of our kids told me. Her reasoning is that she didn't want to get back together solely because she was pregnant. As well as because I didn't want anymore kids.
> 
> 
> 
> In May I ended things with the woman I had been seeing. In June my wife and I started trying to reconcile, very slowly and not so successfully. I moved back home in August, however it has not been smooth sailing. We are not sleeping in the same room, aside from the odd occasion, and it often feels like hostile roommates. The new baby is due in 3 weeks, all of our kids have been born 2 weeks early so it's fair to say this baby could come any day.
> 
> 
> 
> I don't know if my wife's actions are because she's pregnant and hormonal, or jealousy, or if she's just turned into a raging *****. She doesn't want me to touch her most of the time. She wants every tiny detail of those 5 months that we were separated. It has reached the point of my wife asking if/why the sex with the other woman was better, why I chose her, what I said to her during sex, if I said I loved her, what ****ing sex positions we used. Obviously I'm NOT talking to my wife about that. I'm trying to save a marriage, not destory one.
> 
> 
> 
> Is this normal behavior? If my wife had been with another man during our separation I wouldn't want the ****ing details. I think it's crazy and self-sabotaging that she does. How do I get her to drop the act and try at this reconciliation with me? If not, we are just wasting our time and re-hurting our kids.



@holycow9
It sounds like a life time of fixing, it also sounds like both of you have spent a majority of time deeply unhappy.
I don't want to judge you and I'm sorry if I come across this way, however I'm not hearing a deep sense of love for your wife coming from you, maybe just your use of language or lack of hearing your heart for her.
This mess will only have a tiny chance of survival if you genuinely whole heartedly know she is the one for you.
If the other lady wanted to stay with you despite of the new baby, would you want to reconcile? 
It's so hard to try and understand your wife response to you without knowing her side.
However I'm at the beginning of reconciliation after my husband cheated on me for 6 months. Yes you do want to pick apart every aspect of it, even though like you said it's self sabotage. However somehow you just want to know, it's all so painful. If you want your wife and marriage I think you should just keep answering her questions, humbled and honest,show her that you are there for her as long as she needs to keep asking. It could be months. She needs to see you are willing to put the graft in, it may mean you are putting a lot of graft in and getting very little back. She could be with drawing because she's self protecting too, in a sense she maybe thinking what will he do if other lady comes back for you.
Honestly there is a whole host of reasons, just being pregnant too.
Think is this really what you want, if so, head down and be prepared for a long journey and lots of reassuring and humility.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## holycow9

My wife's has never blamed her refusal of sex on STD's. It's not as if I went around screwing anything and everything. I saw one woman, who was only seeing me. It is purely selfish reasoning on her part. Along with her selfish decisions, she's decided that I'm not allowed in the room when she has this baby. 

I loved the woman once, I can learn to love her again. She is still my wife. Legally we are husband and wife and should try to resolve our differences before permanently divorcing and screwing up our children. As said earlier, we had a very rough time at the start of our marriage and dug our way out of that mess. During which time we hated each other. Who is to say that we can't do it again? We have 5 kids together. It is not as if either of us have other options knocking at the door. A man with soon to be 6 kids between two women so desirable. My wife wants to reconcile because she claims she still loves me and doesn't want to break our family up. I think the fact that most 29 year old men have no interest in a woman with 5 kids. No, I don't love my wife. I don't even really like her right now, which is part of the problem and what brought me here. If she wants to reconcile then she needs to let some things go and stop holding them over me. She either wants to move on or not. 

The relationship that I had with the woman shouldn't be up for discussion with my wife. Some things are personal and should remain that way. That woman ended our relationship, not the other way around. I didn't leave her for my wife so my wife should stop worrying about me going back to her. That relationship is over. 

How am I suppose to fix the "damage" caused by our separation if my wife is clung onto the past and is wanting to know how the inside of another woman's vagina felt like? I never said reconciliation was going to be easy, it sure as **** wasn't the first time, but she doesn't need to make it impossible. If she's going to do that, then why am I even back in this house? The couch is getting old.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

It would likely help your wife if you acknowledged it was an affair and not a seperation. Sometimes just admitting that you know what you did goes a long way. 

Some people need all the details of an affair. Some want none. 

The woman breaking up with you will not comfort her. That tells her you would still be with her and only came back because your OW dumped you. 

In order to get your wife to do her share of the fixing, you're going to have to do your share too. 
That means the OW is a huge big part of that and you can't just sweep it under the rug. 
Own up to the affair and make a plan so it never happens again. Understand the pain it caused. 

She also needs to understand her part and what your needs are and how to meet them. 
Directly after an affair is usually a pretty tough time to ask for much in return. You'll be doing the heavy lifting for a while until that is recovered. 
Try not to blame your affair on her actions. She is responsible for her portion of the marriage failing but not the affair itself. 
And it was an affair long before it got to sleeping together. You will have to keep to strict boundaries around other women to keep it from happening again. 

No one on one with women, no passwords on your accounts, no private conversations with other women. 

Sitting down with these boundaries and understanding of where you went wrong may go a long way in her trusting you again. 

Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice

Is a good site for both affair recovery and building a relationship.


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## Mizzbak

So many things to say here, but I'll limit myself:

1. You acknowledge that you don't currently love, or even like your wife and yet you expect her to have sex with you? After all, sex whilst heavily pregnant is just fun, fun, fun. (On the bright side, if she keeps this up, then you're not going to have any more kids.)

2. You start fixing damage by saying "I'm sorry, I screwed up. What can I do to make you feel better." (Apologies 101). Except that you aren't sorry. You're just resentful as hell at being dragged back, kicking and screaming, by your sense of duty and/or desperation that no other woman will have you. And you're expecting your wife to be grateful that you deigned to return. 

3. I'd invest in a camping bed.


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## sokillme

holycow9 said:


> Yes, I ****ed another woman while I was married. Happy? That relationship was ended by the woman because my wife hijacked my sperm to get herself knocked up and she didn't want to deal with crazy. Happy?
> 
> I think the focus should be that I'm trying to reconcile with my wife and that my wife is on board as well, not my reasons why. That I'm here and trying is reason enough.


Hijacked your sperm huh? You don't seem big on accountability. That's the thing you can't have good relationships let alone marriages without it. Not sure why you were hiding from us the fact that you had an affair unless you yourself know it was wrong. I'm not happy or sad about it, but if you want to fix your issues with your wife then you need to at least be honest. That is why the focus is on you and you not taking responsibility for what you did.

If you can't even admit it to an anonymous message board I doubt you look very safe to your wife. I mean the first thing you should do address what is probably making it hard for her, Your affair. Isn't it obvious why she is having trouble in that context? It is probably going to take some time, but if you have any chance you need to be much more contrite about this with her. It's a very big deal.

Dude you had an ongoing affair on your wife. You don't love her and are only staying for the kids, yet somehow you expect her to forgive you and treat you like a husband? Why would she? If she came on here everyone of us would be telling her to run. I will say it again. Move on for both your benefit and just learn to be the best co-parents you can be.


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## TAMAT

Holycow,

The fact that you maintained what you called a platonic relationship from before you even knew your W and then had an affair with that "platonic friend" tells your W you were never really romantically in love with her. It's likely clear, at least to your W, that she was your second choice.

I can't say that what what you did is uncommon, I know many people who maintain contact with former loves and ex'es, but it does keep them from ever becoming 100% invested in their marriage. 

For years my W would receive letters from a man my described as "never was interested in me". To me however it was like a wolf at the door.

Tamat


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## Ynot

I still say this whole thread reads like a chapter on severe dysfunction. So many moving parts it is hard to even know where to begin. As I said before, OP you need professional help not random advice from anonymous people on the internet, none of whom you are willing to be honest with.


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## Blondilocks

Still trying to figure out how the wife hijacked the sperm. Did she put a gun to the little head and tell it to fly her to nirvana?


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## Ynot

It makes me sad to think that somehow the OP imagines his story to be totally normal except that his wife is acting like a real *****!


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