# Wishy-Washy Husband



## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

My husband left me a little over 2 months ago and since then I have not physically seen him at all. We have had 1 texting conversation and what else I've heard has been through my mother-in-law (who is on my side). 

Our conversation (via text) was about a month after he left. He said he wanted to give me money on the house payment and he asked about seeing our kids. Our kids are deeply hurt by his leaving and do not want to see him (they are ages 16-twin girls and 12 year-old son). 

I asked him why he left and he says, "We can't get along anymore." That's news to me since we had taken our kids out to dinner the night before and went and looked at Christmas lights and had a great time. 

I asked him if wanted to try and save our marriage at all and he says, "I'm sorry, I was not happy and I was stupid." 

I asked him what he meant by all that and he says, "I was stupid and now I have to live with my actions." 

So I ask if that means 'no' he doesn't want to try and he says, "Too much has passed. No telling what people think. I really screwed up." 

So I tell him if I cared what others thought, I wouldn't have married him again (we been married to each other twice with an 8 year break in between- another reason the kids have issues with him). 

He then says, "We need to talk, maybe this Sunday." 

Sunday comes and not one word. It's been month later and still nothing. He won't even talk to his mom and stepdad. He just gets mad when they try to talk to him about any of this. His mother told him that he needed to call me and he said, "Yeah, I know." She then offered to call me to come over and talk to him at their house where we could be alone with no distractions and to that he said, "Nope...not happening."

My question is...if he wants out, then why doesn't he just say so and quit "beating around the bush?" He's speaking out of both sides of his mouth and I don't understand why. Is he just biding time because he doesn't know what he wants and he doesn't want to cut me loose because he's confused? His mother, stepdad and other people we both know tell me he looks sad all the time plus he is in a terrible mood. My niece saw him where she works and she says he looks like he lost his best friend that he appears to be very unhappy. Do I cut him loose or should I wait?


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

My soon to be ex is the same way, only I don't get much feedback because I don't talk to alot of people that see her still. I just know because we broke up once for pretty much the same reasons as you (or entire lack of reasons I should say) and when we got back together she told me all about how depressed she was, and how she didnt even know why she broke it off in the first place, but she did her best to hide it and pretend she was happy, etc. And this time around (actually last time also) I'm getting the same line as you, instead of "too much has passed", Im getting "its too far gone". And like your situation, she said she would call me one day, she didnt call, I had to call her. And it led to nothing, just more confusion for me. Also, whenever anyone tries to bring it up with her, she gets mad and clams up. 

I think with mine and your situation, that the other person doesnt know at all what they want, but they dont want the door to close on us because if they cant find anything better they want the option to come back. Well, for me that was fine the first time around. I was willing to break it off and explore other options without shutting her out completely, because I loved her enough to let her go, like the old saying. I was being strung along big time, and it wasn't until I started ignoring her texts/calls/etc that she started wanting me back. But the second time around? Shes trash on the curb, just waiting to be picked up and carried away from me forever. I filed for divorce and I can't wait for it to all be done with. Shes walked out the door twice, the first time I left it open for her to come back, this time I found my dignity and self respect kicking in and overriding my love for her, and realized I have to close that door forever, for me, for my happiness and self esteem.

Were both in a position where our spouses don't want to confront any of these issues and/or finalize anything because they don't know what the hell they want. Well, I'm giving her something that is concrete, and it won't go away and it can't be swept under a rug or ignored at all. Its a big fat wake up call in the form of divorce papers.

I'm not suggesting that you file for divorce, but let me tell you, it sure is nice to have the ball back in my court. Heres my question for you:

Do you want to be someone that your spouse thinks they can ignore for months on end, kick you around, mess with your head, and still have a shot with you? Think about how much hurt they have caused us, and all basically on a whim. We are not playthings to be left on a shelf until the person gets the urge to pick us back up. You may not be happy at first, I know Im not, but look at it this way, at least you wont have to go through this with this person ever again. You hold all the cards, you just gotta play the right ones. Good luck to you.


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## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

Thank you so much. I agree with everything you said. I am continuing to move forward with my life and make plans like he will never be a part of my future. He has no hs diploma or GED and he works construction. I just graduated from college last May and will be working this fall as a middle school teacher. I know he's the big loser in all of this. My mother tells me "he will never be anything more than he is now." It's true too. It's just hard finally shutting that chapter of my life because he's been in it for over half my life. Thanks again for you comments. Sounds like you've got your life together. Good for you and good luck.


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