# No sexual fantasies, no masturbation



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

My W has told me for a very long time that she has no sexual fantasies and she does not masturbate. I have asked her if she has any sexual fantasies and her answer has always been "no". I stopped asking her about 10 years ago as the answer was always the same. She also told me that she doesn't pleasure herself ever. Am I missing something here? Is this a sign of something else? Anyone else on TAM like this? Insights and suggestions welcome.


----------



## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

How is your sex life?

I've never really masturbated but I had conservative upbringing. My understanding when I was younger was not that masturbation was evil or anything, just selfish. It's something that should be enjoyed with your spouse. Even now that I am more comfortable with it, I've never really done it. I tried a few times but I get bored easily and not excited fast enough. I'm sure I could enjoy it if I tried but I'm more on the low drive side so I don't bother.

The sexual fantasizing...Less as a child or teen but definitely as an adult (and especially while married) I have lots of fantasies. The only reason I could imagine her genuinely not having any is thinking sex is bad and thus thinking about sex would be as well. Or she's just really low drive and doesn't really care- she has sex when you guys do and that's fine for her. 

What's her upbringing like? What's your sex life like?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I used to tell my husband the same thing, but it wasn't true. I had been brought up to think masturbation was 'impure' so I didn't want him to know, even after I knew he wouldn't mind and would in fact think it was sexy.

As for fantasies, I have never told him I have them, but I've never told him I haven't either. He has a bit of a hang up himself about talking about stuff like that. Probably because he thinks I'll freak if I know what he fantasizes about.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

heartsdelight said:


> How is your sex life?
> 
> I've never really masturbated but I had conservative upbringing. My understanding when I was younger was not that masturbation was evil or anything, just selfish. It's something that should be enjoyed with your spouse. Even now that I am more comfortable with it, I've never really done it. I tried a few times but I get bored easily and not excited fast enough. I'm sure I could enjoy it if I tried but I'm more on the low drive side so I don't bother.
> 
> ...


Her upbringing was not unusual. She was brought up in a Christian household. She does not attend church and has not since we've known each other (23years) as she has said she is not into that . I am HD she is LD and our sex life at the moment is very infrequent and quite difficult. In case your wondering she is in her early 40's.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I used to tell my husband the same thing, but it wasn't true. I had been brought up to think masturbation was 'impure' so I didn't want him to know, even after I knew he wouldn't mind and would in fact think it was sexy.
> 
> As for fantasies, I have never told him I have them, but I've never told him I haven't either. He has a bit of a hang up himself about talking about stuff like that. Probably because he thinks I'll freak if I know what he fantasizes about.


So basically you lied about masturbating. Okay maybe she does too. hmmm. Yes sometimes talking about fantasies could be difficult for some as they may think their partner may freak. I suppose she may feel that way but I have never given her any indication I would as I'm really open minded about things like that and she knows it. I have shared my fantasies with her in an effort to get her talking. I started that conversation and it's just not something she would ever ask me.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

We were leaving the gym today and in the car next to mine there was a stack of every different "50 Shades" book in print. Wow you should have heard the wife go off about that - those dirty nasty women want to be men probably all lesbians how can they do that blah blah blah....

Some people really REALLY hate sex.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> We were leaving the gym today and in the car next to mine there was a stack of every different "50 Shades" book in print. Wow you should have heard the wife go off about that - those dirty nasty women want to be men probably all lesbians how can they do that blah blah blah....
> 
> Some people really REALLY hate sex.


She needs to let loose once in a while...


----------



## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

My wife says the same thing, and I believe her because she simply doesn't have enough time to when we're at home, and we're usually at home together (by the way we have a bedroom suite and there is no door between the bathroom and the bedroom, so it would be very easy to find out the truth). And, yes, I believe it has more to do with being raised in a conservative household than a religious one. Children are taught to never think about sex as anything more than a way to make babies or to not talk about it at all, and this has an effect on the kids. This is especially true for girls and ESPECIALLY true for "good girls."

I'm sorry I can't help more, but I'm going through something very similar myself, so I don't know how to combat it either. Just wanted to throw my two cents in.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm not a big masturbater...I did it mostly while pregnant and my sex drive was out of control. But...even now, I don't really do it and my husband and I have a great sex life  

I also don't have any sexual fantasies beyond what my husband and I already have done. No hidden fantasies. Stop worrying.


----------



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

I am currently like this and I used to masturbate and watch porn a LOT! Probably equal parts resentment+tired+depressed+hormones. That's what's wrong with me.

Women are not men. If I never had sex again or saw a penis again, it would be too soon. Sex just isn't important to me. I know it's important to him and that's why I accommodate him and never turn him down. 

Sex is NOT a need like oxygen or water. It is a drive. Your wife and I (and others like us who aren't crazy) just don't have a need or desire for sex. Is that so terrible or freakish? No. 

I think this is the version Men Can't Have Everything Either. If your wife is loving to you and has sex with you in a loving, giving manner BECAUSE she loves you then be happy.


----------



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

Mrs. T said:


> She needs to let loose once in a while...


To each their own. If some people don't like sex, that's ok. They should just not get married to people who love sex. Voila.


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'm not a big masturbater...I did it mostly while pregnant and my sex drive was out of control. But...even now, I don't really do it and my husband and I have a great sex life
> 
> I also don't have any sexual fantasies beyond what my husband and I already have done. No hidden fantasies. Stop worrying.


Not worried just wondering. So when you say you don't really do it does that mean you don't or you do? Have you ever shared your fantasies with your husband?


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> I am currently like this and I used to masturbate and watch porn a LOT! Probably equal parts resentment+tired+depressed+hormones. That's what's wrong with me.
> 
> Women are not men. If I never had sex again or saw a penis again, it would be too soon. Sex just isn't important to me. I know it's important to him and that's why I accommodate him and never turn him down.
> 
> ...


She turns me down all the time. The only reason I get turned down less these days is because I'm asking less. I admire your commitment to your relationship in fulfilling your husbands desires. Yes I can see how some people do not need sex just as much as I can see how some people do. However I think that when your in a relationship like marriage it is important to take the other person needs into account and work on a balance.


----------



## honeysuckle rose (Jun 11, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> She turns me down all the time. The only reason I get turned down less these days is because I'm asking less. I admire your commitment to your relationship in fulfilling your husbands desires. Yes I can see how some people do not need sex just as much as I can see people how some people do. However I think that when your in a relationship like marriage it is important to take the other person needs into account and work on a balance.


And you are 1000% right about balance and meeting your partner's needs. I will pray for you (hugs).


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> Not worried just wondering. So when you say you don't really do it does that mean you don't or you do? Have you ever shared your fantasies with your husband?


I haven't masturbated in a very long time. Months. 

And we never really talked about fantasies, but I probably would have if he wasn't into the same things I am into.

He says HE doesn't have any sexual fantasies  ...I don't even touch that. We do a ton of good stuff and if he has the typical girl on girl fantasy that guys seem to have, I'd rather not know. lol. So ordinary.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> We were leaving the gym today and in the car next to mine there was a stack of every different "50 Shades" book in print. Wow you should have heard the wife go off about that - those dirty nasty women want to be men probably all lesbians how can they do that blah blah blah....
> 
> Some people really REALLY hate sex.


Wow....uhh...wow...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I haven't masturbated in a very long time. Months.
> 
> And we never really talked about fantasies, but I probably would have if he wasn't into the same things I am into.
> 
> He says HE doesn't have any sexual fantasies  ...I don't even touch that. We do a ton of good stuff and if he has the typical girl on girl fantasy that guys seem to have, I'd rather not know. lol. So ordinary.


Ordinary sounds so healthy. :smthumbup: How to get there..


----------



## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

OP,
I would not read too much into this. I have asked my wife on several occassions if she has any fantasies that she would want to share. Nope. She claims to have none. I, on the other hand, have many (I have not shared too many for fear of freaking her out). 
I have asked her if she has ever masturbated. She said that when she was a small child, she did a small amount of exploration but that was it. Hasn't done it since. However, during sex play with both of us, she has no issues with playing with herself. In fact, we will occassionally have mutual masturbation sessions where we each get ourselves off just by looking at the other. BUT she claims to never masturbate by herself. She said she just does not feel the need.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

honeysuckle rose said:


> Women are not men. If I never had sex again or saw a penis again, it would be too soon. Sex just isn't important to me. I know it's important to him and that's why I accommodate him and never turn him down.
> 
> Sex is NOT a need like oxygen or water. It is a drive. Your wife and I (and others like us who aren't crazy) just don't have a need or desire for sex. Is that so terrible or freakish? No.
> 
> I think this is the version Men Can't Have Everything Either. If your wife is loving to you and has sex with you in a loving, giving manner BECAUSE she loves you then be happy.


This is me as well. I don't really have a drive to masturbate or have sex. I don't feel like I need sex to get on with my day. I do it because it is important to my husband and for our marriage. I think it's borderline abusive to continually deprive a partner of sexual fulfillment in a marriage relationship.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Her upbringing was not unusual. She was brought up in a Christian household. She does not attend church and has not since we've known each other (23years) as she has said she is not into that . I am HD she is LD and our sex life at the moment is very infrequent and quite difficult. In case your wondering she is in her early 40's.


I think therein lies the answer. Your W is LD so probably has little or no need for masturbation etc.


----------

