# What To Do...?



## broken_dreams (Dec 17, 2011)

I've been married for over a year now. My marriage was arranged but I did not mind it so much because that's how most marriages in my culture work. I thought that I could make it work and that love will eventually develop between my husband and I. 

I got married knowing that I did not love him (but such a thing (love before marriage) is uncommon in my culture). So why did I marry him? Aside from a little pressure from my family, he was and still is a kind, educated, intelligent, open-minded human being. We are of the same background so we have the same views and takes on life and have a lot of interests in common. I thought all of that would eventually pave the way for love.

I feel that right now we are living like roommate with the added occasional sex, which is another issue. I do not like the sex, not because he isn't any good, but because it's simply just the act. There is no passion and there is no want on my end. I hate it. My body does not want it nor does my mind. I think it is poisonous. I am not attracted to him as a wife should be. I am not turned on by his touch or hug or kiss. I want to be, I crave the feeling but it's not there. 

I feel that I am and have been for a while depressed. Every morning, I dread waking up. I do not enjoy things I used to enjoy. I have lost more weight than I have in my whole entire life (I'm 5'2 and about 90 lb). I'm mentally exhausted.

I keep battling within myself whether to stay or leave, when I KNOW the larger part of me wants to leave. The other is just concerned about my family and his and my hubby's feelings and how I will be perceived in my community. I know those should not be valid concerns but they are. 

I am stuck and not sure what to do. I don't even know how to approach the topic of divorce with my husband. How am I supposed to tell him that I no long want to be with him? We have talked about this and he knows I'm not in love but he says we need to give it time. We have given it time and I have tried to be a good wife. But the connection and chemistry is not there. I can't handle it anymore and I feel that I am holding him from moving on with him life and finding a mate who will love him.

So what I want to know is, how do I approach my husband about divorce? I know there is no easy way but whats the most respectful, less painful way? And how do I start the process?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Can you talk to someone in your culture who is an expert in arranged marriages? Someone who has been through it and knows what it's like? From the little I know it takes years for a couple in your situation to build the love and passion. I'm sorry I don't have more advice but maybe there is an older family member who can help you to know what to do. It sounds like you are putting western romantic values of instant attraction and love onto the arranged marriage paradigm and from I know it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken_dreams (Dec 17, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Can you talk to someone in your culture who is an expert in arranged marriages? Someone who has been through it and knows what it's like? From the little I know it takes years for a couple in your situation to build the love and passion. I'm sorry I don't have more advice but maybe there is an older family member who can help you to know what to do. It sounds like you are putting western romantic values of instant attraction and love onto the arranged marriage paradigm and from I know it doesn't work that way. I'm sorry for what you are going through.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you. I can't help my Western approach; I grew up here and am more in touch with my American side. I honestly do not know who I can talk to without being judged. I feel that I am being pulled in 2 different directions. I know I cannot stay like this for long; it's taking it's toll on my health and grades. I feel that if I am to stay that it will be too distracting which will lead me to drop out of graduate school. Idk. Sometimes I feel selfish, like I'm only thinking about what I want. I'm just really confused, sorry about the rant.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Do you have any desire to work on the marriage?

I hope you're familiar with the fact that arranged marriages are no more likely to fail than marriages founded on "love." 

The huge divorce rate in the U.S. is based on the fact that typically, while couples do marry for love, they also have little understanding of what it means to be married.

Even if they do have a good comprehension of this, they may have little ability to communicate their needs properly.

If you want to take one last stab at making the marriage work, there are some really terrific books out there, His Needs / Her Needs, Love Busters, and The 5 Love Languages amongst them. You will see these books consistently recommended on this forum because they are so specific in helping couples respond to each other and communicate better.

My husband completely fell out of love with me a few years ago and entered into an emotional affair with a former co-worker. This is also sadly not uncommon. But couples can and do reconcile and make their way back from that to fall in love again and feel passion. These books have a wealth of detailed specificity on how to achieve that.

Because arranged marriages aren't common in the US outside of certain cultural groups, I can't say whether or not someone on this forum has used these books in that way. But if you're willing to give it one last try, that (and marriage counseling) are as good a place to start as any other.


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