# Always being the giver



## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

My Husband is going to be leaving soon to work in another state and in the meantime me and the kids are getting ready to move in with his parents. 

At night I'm always giving my husband massages in the hopes that he will want me at least a little bit sexually or at least give me a massage. It never happens all I get in return from him is tickling and childish things. I express my love by giving him massages, but he's not expressing his love to me in the intimate way that I really need. I'm pretty much convinced they he will leave to go work out of state and without us being intimate at all. It's been since the very beginning of may the last time we had sex and he did not cum. I had hoped he would need to release, but I guess not.

I know that if he doesn't want sex now that when he does come to visit he's not going to want to have sex at his parents house.
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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

You gots a problem. 

How long have you been married? Has he always been like this?


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

That is a terrible situation to be in. Hopefully the old adage of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will translate to some serious affection and giving when he returns home.

While he's a away do you think there is any chance you two can spend time writing emails/letters to each other... or will you two have chances to talk on the phone often?

Not to pry, but why couldn't you move the whole family to the other state to be together?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Browncoat said:


> That is a terrible situation to be in. Hopefully the old adage of "absence makes the heart grow fonder" will translate to some serious affection and giving when he returns home.
> 
> While he's a away do you think there is any chance you two can spend time writing emails/letters to each other... or will you two have chances to talk on the phone often?
> 
> Not to pry, but why couldn't you move the whole family to the other state to be together?


I'm hoping the whole absence makes the heart grow fonder works in my favor too. I've been thinking that as soon as he's gone he's going to wish he took advantage of making love when he could. 

We can't move as a family because we are losing our house here in this state and csn not rent a house due to our credit and we have never rented before. The rental market is hot in the state he's going to work in snd they can have thier pick of renters. There is no work in this state, so he has to travel
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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

I have a high drive so I am having trouble relating to the issue. I could think of a million things my wife could do to initiate sex, but it probably wouldn't matter, as your husband seems to be very low drive. 

I wish more low drive men would post on the forum (we have low drive women, high drive women, high drive men, but not many low drive men -- probably because they are super rare). I have no idea how they think or what exactly makes them tick. Hopefully you find a solution blueskies.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

something is very very wrong.

just a couple thoughts.

1.hes on medication or alchol which makes it difficult to cum.
2.hes taking care of his needs through masterbation
3. hes cheating.
4.he has low testestrone or some underlying medical condition.
5. hes a selfish narristic pig who only cares about his wants and preconcived needs.


if you let someone like that steam rool you they will and think nothing of it.


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Now I'm kind of thinking that maybe my Husband can't get physically or sexually close to me because he does not trust me. He's been really on my nerves the last couple of days. Wanting to know who I'm talking to on FB or what I'm looking at on the Internet and who I'm texting. I always tell him who I'm talking to on FB and who I'm texting and they are always girls, but he wants to know what we are talking about. I try to be vague because it's uncomfortable to tell him word for word, but he's been prying for word for word. 

So today I tell him that he's irrating me for always asking me what I'm doing. Like I can't even go to another part of the house without him asking what I'm doing. He told me that he's worried about md kicking him out of the house again like last time.

Our marriage was on the complete rocks last year where it felt like we were strangers and he has a temper and made me fearful of him. I did start to have an EA that was long distance before I kicked him out. I didn't kick him out because of my EA though. I did kick him out because he could only talk to me by yelling, screaming, cussing snd throwing things
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## MYM1430 (Nov 7, 2011)

Aristotle,

I'm not sure if I am high or low. However, I have been trying to suppress my sex drive since puberty. I can physically go a few weeks without release. I have sex with my wife about once per month. I don't masturbate. I do occasionally watch soft porn but only to arousal and can go without. 

I also have to admit that I have mild depression and low self-esteem. Not sure what the relationship is but I have weeks where I feel like I could be OK without sex and then I have times when I get frustrated. I have settled into the expectation that there will be no sex so I am not missing it when it doesn't happen. 

OP,

Could he be supressing his desire because of the distance? Is this something that came up with the out of state work?


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## LoveMouse (Apr 22, 2012)

I did the back rub thing for many years and for the most part...I got what I was looking for. 
Is ur hubby older? Could it be the pressure of a new job? leaving his/you behind? Will you be able to go see him? Did you try the "wrap urself in cellophane" trick? I know that'd do it for me. 
Mouse


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> something is very very wrong.
> 
> just a couple thoughts.
> 
> ...


No he's not on medication and he doesn't drink. He's not taking care of his needs because we are together all the time right now. He's not cheating, but I recently found out he's worried about me kicking him out of the house again or basically he's worried about me distancing myself towards him again. I do think he may have low drive, but if he did how did he have his own affair that was completely sexual from very end of September to very beginning of November 2011.

I just think he's not sexually connected to me.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

LoveMouse said:


> I did the back rub thing for many years and for the most part...I got what I was looking for.
> Is ur hubby older? Could it be the pressure of a new job? leaving his/you behind? Will you be able to go see him? Did you try the "wrap urself in cellophane" trick? I know that'd do it for me.
> Mouse


My hubby is 37. I do think he is feeling lots of pressure. He always says how he feels he will fail. He has also said how he's not happy about leaving us behind.

No I've never tried wrapping myself in cellophane, never heard of it
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I think I'm actually trying to give up on him wanting me. He's acting strangly lately and likes me to trace his tattoos and look for any skin imperfections more than getting a massage he told me last night. I don't know if he is purposely trying to repress himself by telling me he doesn't even want a massage.
I've also massaged the inside of his legs before without getting any massage or sex in return,

I havent been able to take care of myself lately because I can't sneak off to my bathroom without someone being there (3kids) And without hubby asking me what I'm doing. I actually have been too frustrated to even enjoy taking care of myself anyway. 

I'm afraid of how it's going to be when I'm living at his parents house and all the kids are downstairs with me. I'm never going to have enough privacy to take care of myself while my husband is gone
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> He must be a LD type guy.
> 
> Tonight when you give him a massage laying on the bed, rub his legs and the inside of his legs too.
> It's ok to touch it, it won't hurt you. He should want sex after that.


My h is definatly a LD guy and I'm HD. I used to think H was HD. We used to have sex 3 times per week and I remember feeling sexually worn out. He was higher drive than me. Then we had a miscarriage. His drive remained the same until we had another miscarriage 4 months later. Then some months after that 2nd miscarriage he had to work out of state. Ever since then he has seemed to be LD. Although he talks about sex, makes sexual motions, listens to sexual songs, watches sexual movies like American pie, van wilder and loves unrated versions.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

Oh and I've offered to give him BJs and he's said he doesn't like them. He claims I'm the only one who has ever given him a blow job.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I have gotten much bolder since he's been back at home, but he says I'm too aggressive. Before our seperation I would be too shy to do things of start snything sexual, so now I do, but I only irritate him. He doesn't want me touching his penis without him already being turned on. Unless we are on vacation, then he acts like he's a normal man. This last vacation in match I wanted sex every day and he didn't though. I'm not sure if some of his LD snd refusing me is not because of the past that he hasn't been able to get over.
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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

I think your right that most of his LD is because of stress. I know I'm fearing hi
Being gone, so I want him more and more as the time comes closer for him to leave. I've already experienced 3 times of him being gone. 2 times traveling for work and 1 time with our own seperation which was iniated by me. 

Sexually I know I want to make up for lost time and fearing more lost time
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## cory275 (Aug 11, 2011)

hmm... i dunno about this... a man not wanting sex seems like a fat kid not liking pizza. trust me.. i loooved pizza. i might try different things to find his trigger. my husband's biggest sexual organ other than the obvious is his ears. but it took me a good year and a half to find that out. 

he likes to be kissed all over his body.. and i bite his big biscuit booty sometimes before i go for the ears. if i go ANYWHERE near the ears he knows i mean business. 

maybe just ask him about fantasies or maybe ask him directly if there's something you could do for him. then he'll find a way to pay ya back. 

and sometimes it takes a while. my husband is just now getting around to exploring my body and what makes me squeal. ...after 2 years, my friend.. 2 years.. i wouldnt give up just yet. 

and it couldnt hurt to get him checked out. having sex without the grand finale for a man is kinnda like WTF to me? i might also check his phone/computer. if he's spankin' it too much he might be desensitized to you. (i can tell when my hubs does.. he takes FOREVER to finish.)


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

cory275 said:


> hmm... i dunno about this... a man not wanting sex seems like a fat kid not liking pizza. trust me.. i loooved pizza. i might try different things to find his trigger. my husband's biggest sexual organ other than the obvious is his ears. but it took me a good year and a half to find that out.
> 
> he likes to be kissed all over his body.. and i bite his big biscuit booty sometimes before i go for the ears. if i go ANYWHERE near the ears he knows i mean business.
> 
> ...


I'm thinking my husband is more like woman....he obviously does not trust me and do maybe he's not feeling like shoring me love like I want to show him love. My Husband starts to get paranoid when I'm a little queiter than usual of when I'm talking to my friends on FB or text. He's been wanting to know everything I'm talking about and generalizing it has not gotten him to stop. So I'm thinking he's having flashbacks of our seperation which on top of the stress right now...he has no drive for me at all. I don't know also if he feels so much guilt for what he did while he was still a married man, but seperated that he can't get intimate with me. 

I'm giving up on getting any sex before he leaves to work out of state. We have planned to move out of our house next Tuesday, so I know he's leaving soon after that
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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

Reading all of this, I have to wonder....

Does he go to the same location every time he works out of state? Same City?


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dormant said:


> Reading all of this, I have to wonder....
> 
> Does he go to the same location every time he works out of state? Same City?


No he doesn't go to the same state snd city every time he works out of state. He works for a union trade, so Shen there is no long term work, he travels. He would have been already working out of state along time ago if we were not losing our home. Losing the house is a result of our seperation where we were set on divorce and we already had paid for bankrupcy, so we decided we would just let the house go too.
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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

That's good. You must know where my thought process was headed...


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## blueskies30 (Jan 27, 2010)

dormant said:


> That's good. You must know where my thought process was headed...


Yep, I did know what you were thinking. I've already been through the suffering of finding out he had an affair during our seperation.
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