# Is it me? Am I selfish?



## frustratedhubby (Jul 26, 2009)

Our 8th year anniversary is coming up soon, I have a wonderful wife and a beautiful 4 year old girl. House, money and job are excellent (although I do have to put the work in). So why do I write?

Well, I absolutely love and adore my wife. She's a great lady and very sexy with it (why I married her). However, our sex life has always been very very poor (compared to my previous experiences).

I've always been the one that touches her and hounds her for sex. She on the other hand doesn't appear to have any real sexual motivation. We 'book' sex litterally 5 mins before going to bed. We'll then have that in bed, having gone through a ritual of cleaning teeth and preparing for bed. There is no point me trying anything spontaneous or exciting, she just doesn't want to know.

I'm the type that could have it anywhere, any time and often get aroused by the mearest thing. However, I'm coming to the end of it all. I'm now in a rut. I've fallen for the one relief I can get, the dreaded porn. I have to fit that in amongst the opportunities I get to have the real thing (once or if I'm lucky twice a month).

She never wants to touch me in any shape or form. Previous partners I've found would rub me, touch me or even dress provocatively. I accept that she doesn't 'do' oral, so I selfishly cut that out when we first met. Well, I felt that if she didn't like to provide and that she didn't really enjoy me providing then there was no point persuing.

We are in our mid 30's and I'm beginning to question whether she fancies me. I mean, I totally believe she loves me as much as I love her. I just feel that she physically doesn't want me (I'm very skinny and probably that doesn't help. I've even tried beefing myself up with weights over the past 6 months).

I'm going completely out of my head and have started beating myself up about this. I've had a couple of occasions when i've discussed my frustrations, she's initially tried and then it just goes back to the same old.

I'm starting to fancy other women and have found myself questioning whether the answer is to find a sex buddy. Although, deep down I know I couldn't do that. I'm not a cheat and would not be able to live with myself.

Is this me being selfish? Is this normal? Can anything be done?

I'm tempted to have a big argument or try dragging her down to see a shrink. I honestly feel very upset and angry at the same time. She's a very attractive lady and all I want to make love with her. I married her initially knowing this wasn't a great area (we'd been together for a 2 years before marrying). I'm now wondering what i should do.

Any advice for me please??


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


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## nightshade (Mar 4, 2009)

Have you discussed how this affecting you with your wife?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I'd print off your post and make an appointment with a therapist for you, first.

Then I'd find a good marriage counselor, and see if that helps.

Remember, sex drives do decline as you age. I guess you then must wait until you are 50 or so for your drive to drop and match hers? Some men's or women's drives never drop.

Sex does not make a marriage, trust me.

My dh and I are about as sexually matched as can be, however, that does not make up for the fact we are matched absolutely no where else!

When considering sexual mis-match, you have to consider "how much of our marriage involves sex?". 

5-10% of your married time?? Do not throw out the baby with the bathwater.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Wife and I had this problem several years ago. Then she went off birth control and that really helped...course now she is pregnant!!
We stopped having night time late sex, it was always dull and boring as she was always tired. We would lock ourselves in our bedroom on a saturday afternoon while son played video games downstairs. I told wife I need oral sex, bought her vibrators to use during intercourse for extra stimulation....now after all of this, she's opened up more and more...it's taken several years. Now we often have it right when she comes home from work and still has energy, never late at night, about two months ago she dragged me into a ladies restroom and we had it out there. You need to try and take control and lead her by the hand into new explorations as she sounds pretty inhibited like my wife was. Your wife doesn't know how to enjoy sex. If porn has you ejaculating too much it won't help your performance with her either. Man up, give her a little of your "bad boy" side, pound her into orgasm, try just grabbing her one day and having your way with her, some women love that...you need to start thinking differently and devise some game.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree: with Martino my wife is alot like his, they seem to like the bad boy image with in reason, they are aching to break out.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

My dh got into this late night thing. If it is past 9:30-10pm I just want to *sleep*. He always seemed to think TV show needed to be done before me.  

Afternoons would be great, just after dinner would be fine. 
AM would be great.

Martino that was smart, skip the late PM hours. Exhausted Moms get up early....


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

my wife is not a night person, she is the same as the other ladies, I've learn to adjust and work with it.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Funny, No one has brought up the "how many kids do you have, does she work, take care of the house? She may be tired." Excuse.

Again I ask the world, is it too much to ask to have a wife who wants to have sex with their husbands? 



John


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


Because for some people sex = love. Like I told my wife, you can praise me, you can do nice things for me, you can say you love me. BUT, wanting to have sex with me is just as important as any of the "other" love languages (stupid book). I finally had to explain to her that she was using HER love language to show me she loves me when she is supposed to be using MY love language to show me.

Honestly, Its been better since. Gone from 1 time a month to 3 times a week. Im happy with 3 times a week.



John


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


Because for some people, sex is their "love language", if you aren't having sex with them, then in their mind, you aren't really that in love with them.

Its how they feel loved, period, end of story.

Some people feel loved in other ways, my wife is acts of service, meaning I help her out, do things for her either around the house or send her for a spa day, etc.

I do things for her as often as I can, and she does things in the "bedroom" for me as much as she can, its a 2-way street.

She has a lower sex drive than I do, she could be one of those women that went months without it, but I could not, period.

We have sex 3-5 times a week on average I would say.

Long story short, that's why sometimes its the lower libido person that has to "change" more to make their partner happy. 

Trust me, the higher libido person is compromising too.

If you are the low libido person who only wants sex once or twice a month, your spouse could easily want sex every single day...and they would be happy with it 2-5 times a week...so they compromised as well.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Nothing is your wife getting off? are you sure?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i have the same problem, i gave up on it and found interests (non sexual) in other places


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

martino said:


> Nothing is your wife getting off? are you sure?


Wait a minute...they are supposed to get off too? ****! All this time I thought it was only me who is supposed to do that.




John


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Ok you aren't serious, i'm done on this thread. Good luck....


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## kozzy (Jul 2, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


Sex probably should not be the most important thing in a marriage, but it is certainly a cornerstone of a healthy one (as well as a major nail in the coffin of an unhealthy one). Our resposibility to our spouse is to at least try to meet all their marital needs. Sex is a NEED, not a want. The less sexually interested spouse IS getting their needs met in this area (ie - if your content with the amount of sex your having, your needs are being met). The more sexually interested spouse is not. Therefore, for everyone to have their needs met, the less driven one must be the one to change.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I told my wife, My life's goal is to put my penis inside of her as many times possible, I don't care where, but some where in her..lol

I also told her if I am in the hospital on my death bed, I want her to walk in that hospital in a skirt lock the door and mount me...I want to go out with a smile on my face. 


MY wife just laughed and said, she doesn't want me to mount her on her death bed, I said Ok I will bring Chocolate...she said good boy, it's a deal.


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## Unit4 (Mar 15, 2009)

You have to be selfish to the point of respecting your needs. Otherwise, ignoring the elephant in the room of your relationship will only cause problems.



okeydokie said:


> i have the same problem, i gave up on it and found interests (non sexual) in other places


I'm at this fork in the road, too. Our activity dipped since kids came 6 years ago, but now they're much less taxing and she's checked out sexually, maybe once every 4-6 weeks would suit her. I copped by overindulging in hobbies and going online, but that had its effects and its "careful what you wish for" for her, as substantially stopping those activities has lead to my being more engaged, attentive, communicative and.....sexually frustrated. 

Your screen name is aptly chosen. Even with some increase in frequency, I've learned its not a numbers game when sex comes down to "access", or "booking" the one with low libido. And yet I think a lot of women believe a more engaged, attentive and communicative man can come without sex. :scratchhead: That's not the way it is, without a compelling physical issue.

It's easy to distill incompatibility in terms of sexual frequency, but sometimes I think the forum neglects the male/female appetite for eroticism. If a need for eroticism exists with a spouse who has to be "recruited" for access, I'm concluding its probably sometimes better to, instead, visualize a time when your spouse was more enthusiastic, or even a scene from a movie where two seemed genuinely interested. It sounds pathetic, but what else can you do. Divorce? If her desire has gone down, that's one thing, but since you mentioned she wasn't much the pursuer in bed, what you did to compensate back when the relationship began is what you are likely to be stuck with going forward.

I hear you loud and clear, frustratedhubby. I married a partner who was less aggressive toward me than others were, thinking that I'd loose control of my sexuality if I didn't. It seemed a mature decision at the time (29), but now 10+ years latter I'm not so sure. That she appreciates your needs by at least giving you access, is something many men in this situation don't get. She needs to be reminded, possibly though the help of counciling, that this has to be so and that without it the normal marriage is put at risk. I haven't gone the path of shrink for this purpose, not that they aren't involved in other ways, but think it's up to us to focus in our own minds on what is important. If she thinks that work/kids come first to the degree that her relationship doesn't matter, you need to make it perfectly clear that the best outcome for either of those is more likely to come FROM a healthier relationship. That logic might help set some of the eroticism that is left in her free.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage. 

BUT... satisfying the other person's needs is most important. 

And as was said, sex is a need in a relationship, or a better description is sexual satisfaction is a need. The lower libido person obviously is having their needs met, because they are satisfied with little to none. 

But the higher person is not. It's the same as any other need in a relationship. A person who doesn't want sex, usually doesn't think it's necessary. Just like people who value sex, might think that little gifts or whatever is pointless. BUT IT'S NOT POINTLESS!!! And the sooner you realize it, the better your relationship will be.

It's the same as any other of the "love languages" just because you don't give a crap, doesn't mean that your spouse is going to think the same way. If you both have a lower libido, fine, but why should the person who doesn't have their needs met have to suffer, because you don't like it.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?



It's commonly known as compromise. Lets say I wanted sex every night and my wife wanted no sex at all. A fair compromise would then be 50%. One week 3 times, the next week 4, then 3 the next and so on.

If your not willing to compromise in a marriage then your going to have a rough time of it. Besides, if you loved your spouse you would want to make them happy no?



John


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


Honey, is that you???? LOL 

Seriously though, lets flip your question over. Why should the more interested spouse be denied? As already well put by others...its called compromise. If youre the one getting everything you want sexually and your spouse isnt and you dont care about it, that would suggest strongly that youre selfish.


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

I get tired of hearing that sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.. it is what keeps you bonded as a couple.. and with the right person down right fun!! Meeting other needs are important and I know with busy lives that it is hard sometimes to make time, but you have to. You need to stay away from the Porn though.. it is not going to help you in the long run fix anything! As far as being with someone else.. DON'T do it. Try to talk to your wife and come up with a solution. It might be medical. If it does not get fixed then you have to decide how important it is to you in the marriage and then let her go before moving on, but just so you guys know it is not always the woman with the low sex drive!!! 

Good Luck


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> I told my wife, My life's goal is to put my penis inside of her as many times possible, I don't care where, but some where in her..lol
> 
> I also told her if I am in the hospital on my death bed, I want her to walk in that hospital in a skirt lock the door and mount me...I want to go out with a smile on my face.
> 
> ...


My wife and I have had that same conversation, but she doesn't like chocolate, she wanted twizzlers.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

People who say sex isn't that important, or the most important, are always the ones that have a low libido and don't care about sex that much, because to them, its not that important.

However, to close to 50% of the population, it is important, VERY important.


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

karajh said:


> just so you guys know it is not always the woman with the low sex drive!!!


So true! The street runs both directions.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Sensitive said:


> I never could accept the idea that sex is the most important thing in a marriage. If a man and woman have different levels of sex drive, then why does the less interested one need to change?


the less interested one is happy, the denied is unhappy. if compromise is not achieved, the less interested should then not be suprise if the unhappy one fullfills their needs elsewhere


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> the less interested one is happy, the denied is unhappy. if compromise is not achieved, the less interested should then not be suprise if the unhappy one fullfills their needs elsewhere


:iagree:


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

okeydokie said:


> the less interested one is happy, the denied is unhappy. if compromise is not achieved, the less interested should then not be suprise if the unhappy one fullfills their needs elsewhere


There is truth in that BUT I would phrase it this way...
If one truly cares about their spouse and professes so, that caring attitude should extend to their sexual fulfillment as well. In other words, I dont bang my wife/hubby just to keep her/him from bangin someone else I do because I love her/him and WANT to...and I want to keep her/him as happy as I am in that dept too. Its mutual. 

Thats supposed to be how it works I think.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Shoot, even the Bible, for those of us who believe it, talks about withholding intimacy from your spouse as bad. It says that don't withhold lest your partner be "tempted".


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

GPR - This is an interesting point of view, however I just wanted to shed some light on the other side of the equation. Just because one is not having their needs met does not necessary mean the other is. My H and I have a very high sex drive, 5-6 times a week, however sex is not number one on my "need" list but it is on his. I have other needs that need to be met and a huge one is shared responsbilities. Meaning this - if I am not in the mood or don't want sex, it is because I am on responsiblity overload and stressed out and sex is the last thing on my mind. If my H comes home and helps me around the house, helps with the kids, etc, I am ready to put that energy into sex. I am being relieved of some stress and my need is being met so I am therefore receptive to meeting his needs.

A few (well 4 or 5) years ago I was shocked to learn that he could have sex at least everyday of the week. We were having sex like once a week if that (and that was too much for me). Shed a whole new light on the situation. Once I understood how important this need was, the more seriously I took it. 

FrustratedHubby - I think you need to express to your W how important this is to you and what road you are considering going down if she isn't willing to compromise with you. However, please take a step back and say, what needs of hers am I "not" meeting so that she will want to meet my needs as well. 

Another important lesson we learned is that we were meeting our own needs thinking that was what the other person would want as well. We did the whole His Needs Her Needs questionaire and wow we were way off. The whole time we should have been meeting the needs most important to that person not ourselves - and those needs weren't even close to what the other one wanted. So, do you know what those most important needs are and are you meeting them or willing to meet them? If so, then the next question is does she know what your most important needs are? If she doesn't care or brushes them off after your attempts of meeting her needs then she is the one being selfish and I would seriously consider if you want to live that way for the rest of your life. We only have one shot at life, only you can make the decision if it is worth the compromise. I think counseling is a great idea, just to have that outside view. Sometimes that is what it takes for someone to see the "light", lord knows your spouse could never be right about anything (not that you would admit anyway)LOL!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

5 6 times a week!!!!!!!:smthumbup:

i would be doing anything my wife wanted and then some for that.

still reeling, do you enjoy sex or do you do it to just "meet his needs"? are you getting anything out of the sex or do you do it to get what you need in return?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

If my wife didn't want to ahve sex with me, I would divorce her and let her have the dog. The dog can give her the cuddling that she wants and no sex...lol


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

okeydokie - I enjoy having sex with my H VERY much!!! :smthumbup: Didn't always used to be that way though -used to be a tedious chore - but we have both come a long way in this area and I initiate sex just as often as he does now. My H is a very considerate lover, it is not all about him and that makes sex enjoyable for both of us and now I look forward to it. But sometimes it takes a little work to get me there and he usually physically removes me from any distractions so we can focus just on us. That might me a short shoulder/back massage, footrub, hug, "hey you look sexy today", little text messages throughout the day. He is "learning" what it takes to get my mind off work, kids, house etc. as am I. I am usually tired at night so I like sex spontaneously during the day - him - he is busy during the day so it is a challenge to get him to switch gears then! But hey - we are working on it!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

still reeling said:


> okeydokie - I enjoy having sex with my H VERY much!!! :smthumbup: Didn't always used to be that way though -used to be a tedious chore - but we have both come a long way in this area and I initiate sex just as often as he does now. My H is a very considerate lover, it is not all about him and that makes sex enjoyable for both of us and now I look forward to it. But sometimes it takes a little work to get me there and he usually physically removes me from any distractions so we can focus just on us. That might me a short shoulder/back massage, footrub, hug, "hey you look sexy today", little text messages throughout the day. He is "learning" what it takes to get my mind off work, kids, house etc. as am I. I am usually tired at night so I like sex spontaneously during the day - him - he is busy during the day so it is a challenge to get him to switch gears then! But hey - we are working on it!!


awesome for you both!!!!!

i suspect your husband does those things for you because you reciprocate in kind, you both give something to make it work and both benefit from those efforts. i am jealous

for some of us, continued rejection and lack of effort from the other partner in the sex department is just too much. you seem to understand that its a two way street.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

still reeling said:


> okeydokie - I enjoy having sex with my H VERY much!!! :smthumbup: Didn't always used to be that way though -used to be a tedious chore - but we have both come a long way in this area and I initiate sex just as often as he does now. My H is a very considerate lover, it is not all about him and that makes sex enjoyable for both of us and now I look forward to it. But sometimes it takes a little work to get me there and he usually physically removes me from any distractions so we can focus just on us. That might me a short shoulder/back massage, footrub, hug, "hey you look sexy today", little text messages throughout the day. He is "learning" what it takes to get my mind off work, kids, house etc. as am I. I am usually tired at night so I like sex spontaneously during the day - him - he is busy during the day so it is a challenge to get him to switch gears then! But hey - we are working on it!!


It's amazing how easy a good backrub turns my wife from "not tonight" mode into a nympho.

Of course, I require shirt off for a backrub on purpose using the excuse that I can't stand messaging through clothes (its true, but not the whole reason) and I gradually switch from a real stress relieving massage into a sensual massage...it works nearly EVERY time.


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

revitalizedhusband said:


> It's amazing how easy a good backrub turns my wife from "not tonight" mode into a nympho.


My wife loves a back rub. Puts her to sleep nearly every time. LOL 
If I want sex I better concentrate on a 'front rub' 

I will say this, a nice slippery oiled massage can do the trick. But, how often do you have time to drape the room in protective plastic. haha


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## gabejoel (Jul 8, 2009)

I dont think you are being selfish... i would once again to make time to sit down and talk ...very openly and honestly.Do you know what she is feeling??? There has to be a reason for her lack of attention.It is so amazing to me to hear that a woman does not enjoy oral sex...giving or recieveing!I know when your spouse acts different the first person we blame is ourselves...and that is a bad thing to do .It then takes a toll on the self esteem and then you are left with doubt.That is why communication is so important,so you both can get to the bottom of this.Lastly, if talking does not work, then you should seek counseling...especially if you are already thinking about extra-marital sex. Good luck.


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## still reeling (Jul 17, 2009)

Revitalized - you are absolutely right!! Since I am the one usually doing all the "rubbing", when he does it is amazing how fast my mood can go from bad to good!!! 

Okey- Just for the record we did not get here overnight. It has taken two physical affairs (on his part), counseling, self help books etc. to get us where we are today. Our relationship is way better now than it ever used to be, I just wish that I had this info available to me before the affairs happened so that we wouldn't have to go down that path. 

For those of you dealing with this issue - seriously consider counseling or bring your spouse to this board, just reading and seeing what other people are going through is a huge slap in the face for them (was for me). My attitude towards the whole affair situation has changed, it still hurts, but I see it differently now, have learned from it and hope that we never have to go back there again. That took me realizing what "I" had to do to make it work. And your right Okey - if he didn't put forth the effort, wanting to have sex would not come so easy. It has to work both ways - it IS a two way street. You can't give all the time and not expect something in return. Life is give and take all the time and full of compromises.


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