# Going forward with a difficult long distance relationship. Or not



## susi (Jul 11, 2009)

Hi,

I'm 26 years old guy, and not actually married yet, but the subject has been in the air with my girlfriend for quite awhile already. That is why I hope it is relevant to discuss here about my dilemma, and hopefully get some advice on this situation, before making the big decision. Especially I would like to have some guidance if somebody has had similar experience, and how it has worked out. Sorry for the upcoming long rant... feel free to skip a bit if it's too tiring to read :sleeping:

I have been dating a girl in a long distance relationship. We met already two and a half years ago, through internet. She literally lives “half the world” away… in Taiwan, so it’s even more difficult for us to see each other. After talking for about six months, I met her for real for the first time. We’ve met for five times face to face, staying together for some weeks every time. We’ve had our happy and sad times, but we’ve gotten over them.

The reason why I’m writing is… is that when we talked, she told me that she hadn’t been with a guy before. She kind of made a big deal about it, when I told her that I had been with two girls before. She thinks westerners have too many meaningless relationships and is a little paranoid about it. We talked about it, and talked about honesty and how there can’t be any secrets between us. So it wasn’t such a big deal, she seemed to accept the fact. We have talked about my experiences many times, and she always got sad when it was brought up, even though it was always her that brought it up. She seemed to me to be a bit jealous type. Many times when I went out with my friends she asked about if I had been faithful to her. Of course I have been faithful… my first time wasn’t until when I was 23 years old, because I am from a small place where dating scene was bit limited, and have always been bit silent, out of the way sort of guy. You know the type…

Well… after we had been together for about one and a half years, and we had met for three times already, though only for few weeks at a time, she tells me that she hasn’t been truthful with me. She told me that she actually had had a relationship before the one with me… with a guy she met when in college. Not only that, but she was still friends with him. She told me that they had broken up already a while ago before she met me, but since they are still good friends, and they have met from time to time; went to dinner or movies together and so on. She also told me that when a friend had stayed overnight with her a month or so ago, it had been that guy. But she ensured me that nothing happened. But she did confess that she let the guy sleep next to her at her bed.

I was really angry about this… not so much about the fact that I wasn’t her first one (that is important and disappointing, but it’s not the end of the world). What I was disappointed was that she had lied to me. And the fact that she was still seeing him, that she even let the guy sleep next to her in the same bed. That is a bit more than friendship would allow in my standards.

But even if I was angry and felt a bit betrayed, I could forgive her. She met him before she met me. And if they can be friends afterwards, it just means that she had a nice, civilized breakup. I don’t have any serious ex’s, so I don’t know really. I trust her when she said that nothing has happened between them after they broke up. It was obvious though, that the guy was still interested in her. He even got her a birthday present later that year, a wristwatch. She liked the watch… started to wear it all the time. Even when we met next time, she wore it; though I told her how it made me feel. She just said that it’s only a watch; it’s ridiculous to be jealous about that. I gave up. I really loved her, and I trust her, even now. 

After that, we’ve made lots of plans for our future… My job contract will end during this autumn, and we talked about me going to Taiwan to teach English. It’s not as good a job as what I have now… but it would be nice break from my normal work. And it would also be the only way for us to be together for a longer period of time. We tried to apply a residence permit for her to stay here with me, but it failed because of the uncertainty of our plans, and I guess the economic situation too. She came here and stayed for about seven weeks with a tourist visa, but had to return for her new job. 

Oh, I got her a new wristwatch too, as a present. It is a bit jealous present, I know, but I thought that I just wanted to give her something that she would like to wear every day. I’ve given her few bracelets and earrings, but she never wears them. She says she doesn’t like that style. And she told me that she didn’t like the wristwatch either… seemed bit old, because it was golden. But she wore it for me during her stay here. When she got back, she asked me if she could wear her old one again. Because it was silver one. I felt really hurt, and told her that. We dropped the issue then.

We’ve been keeping in contact almost daily for two and a half years, when not together. It’s really painful, and I’ve had to comfort her constantly, to make her sure we can do it, so that we can finally be together soon. Although our plan has been changing a bit, because things just don’t go the way you want in the world.

Today, we had a bit trouble again because I seemed to be bit uncaring towards her. I had been, because I have grown a bit tired of talking through webcam. After I had comforted her again, and gotten her happy, we started talking about our plans again. She asked me if I was sure about us again, why I love her, and if we would have a disagreement sometime, or a really big issue, what would happen. I tried to convince her again, that if we just talk about it, we can get through anything. I love her; of course I tell her that, because I believe that. And I believed that, though I was thinking about our usual disagreements.

Then, she got a bit serious, and told me that she had a big secret. A really big secret and she was afraid that we might break up if she told me that. But she wanted to tell me, because it is important to tell everything, right? So she told me that actually her ex-boyfriend wasn’t the only guy she had been with. There were others, quite a few of them. She told me that she had lost her virginity when she was sixteen, to a friend of hers. She said that they had dated only for a short time. 

I was really crushed about this… she drops this bit of information on me now, now that we have planned so much, and I’m about to make a decision that will change my life, by going to Taiwan to live with her. She told me that she had met the other guys through net too… that I should know that she is a curious girl. I asked the question which no woman wants to answer. Sex partners are a delicate thing to discuss with women I think. So she said that she had been with five or six guys before me. 

The fact that she doesn’t know how many scares me… Is she lying to me again? How can you forget if you’ve been with five or six guys? I know it can be a difficult thing to admit for a girl… but this is our relationship we are talking about, so it is serious. She is not a clubber; she doesn’t like bars, or getting drunk. She only met the guys through net. She says that it is the truth, and that she doesn’t remember because it’s so long time ago. But it’s only been eight years. You can’t forget six guys in eight years.

She told me that she wanted to forget it also because one of those guys hurt her feelings. I can understand this… we guys dream of having lot of experiences, and don’t think of them very much. But it really hurts me… I haven’t had many experiences myself, and I’ve always been looking for a nice girl. She is a nice girl… just a bit too curious one it seems. 

When she told me about his ex for the first time, I was really angry… and hurt. I wanted to break up, or have an affair with somebody, so I would have a secret that could hurt her. But I didn’t, because I loved her. Now I feel much worse, because she had been lying to me even after that. And we have not been in a perfect relationship so far either. Even being together for only few weeks at a time, almost every time we’ve managed to hurt each others feelings somehow. 

She is a nice girl, and I still love her. She can be really sweet when she wants to… kind of girl you want to protect. Even though I still think she is a nice girl, right now I feel incredibly hurt. I can understand why she didn’t want to tell something like this, but she should have, when we first started talking. I appreciate that she told me this now, and not after we have gotten married, when it might have been even worse. 

Everybody can understand that being with somebody who has had more experiences than you can be a big issue. It shouldn’t be, and it’s not right to demand that from the other person, if you haven’t had those experiences. The important thing is always if you love each other. But we should be honest about these things, because they can hurt a lot if it is revealed that you have lied. The fact that she tells me this after two and a half years, after we’ve actually talked about marriage makes me fell really hurt. If I had known about it before meeting for the first time, or if she’d told me then, maybe I could have accepted it. At least I would have known about it, so no hurt feeling later, but I cannot say for sure. I might not have gone to meet her.

As I said, we haven’t had a perfect relationship even when together. First time we met face to face, after being together for a week, I managed to hurt her feelings because I couldn’t truthfully say that I loved her. I regretted this later, because I found out that I did miss her a lot when I had to leave. Next time, we had a bit happier time together, but found some small disagreements then too… nothing serious though. Next time, she got pissed at me at being a bit lost on our trip, when she was tired. It not a big thing either, but she didn’t talk to me for an hour, only to call me stupid, constantly, like she actually meant it. We worked that out, but she had hurt me pretty bad. Next time, she had hurt me by telling about her ex… and when we met, she wore the wristwatch all the time, even when we slept or had sex. To me that thing is a constant reminder that she lied to me. This time, when we were together for longest time, we seemed to have most of our problems. She got pissed at me several times, usually ending up in her hitting me, calling me stupid, and so on. Mostly we got along though, and we had great time. She just has a bit of a bad temper… I can accept that, and hope to work that out by talking. But between times haven’t been easy either… though that I have mostly put on the count of long distance difficulties. 

Sometimes I have gotten the feeling that she is pressuring me to say things she likes… she started asking if I love her already before we met face to face. She continued so long that I told her that I did. I think I did too… but it just feels bit wrong. The question about marriage is the same. I don’t want to be too hasty about it, but she’s been asking about it and talking about it for over an year ago. I’ve told her that when time is right, I will propose. She just wants to know when and how. All the time until I do I guess, because she’s curious she says. I don’t have lot of experience with relationships, so I don’t know how women act about this after you’ve been together for awhile, but I’m guessing she is being bit unreasonable about it.

Now I do not know what to do… I told her that I still love her. That I can say is true; if it weren’t it wouldn’t hurt this damned much. I also told her that I still want to come there. That is true too. I also told her that we can get over this. That, I am not so sure about. I want to try… but it would have been easier to hear this in person, not several thousand kilometres away. Now I need to leave my life here, possibly leave a good job offering, my apartment, my friends, and all my stuff I have here to go to find out. Seems that either decision I take, I will be hurt somehow no matter what happens. I feel like crap right now, and on the process of trying to drown my sorrow in a pint. Nobody has ever gotten any answers from the bottle, but that won’t stop anyone from trying. 

Is there hope, or is this a highway to hurt? It feels that the trust between us is gone. And there just might be too much bad feeling in there. She was crying when she told me all this, but as usual I managed to comfort her. This time though, I don’t know if I’m being truthful. She tells me now that she has no more secrets. I want to believe her, but it’s difficult now.

Please, I need some guidance on the issue. She is a kind of a nice girl, and we are in love. Can you overcome something like this? I’m sorry about the long rant… it's practically a first chapter of a book. But it is a big deal, and I don’t think you get any guidance in these issues without knowing a lot of the situation. Thank you if you took the effort to read this, thank you even more if you can give me some advice.


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