# Separated



## grimm (Jan 26, 2016)

Been married 15 years, 17 together. Right from the start of the marriage our intimacy (both physical and emotional) slowed and I figured well that is how it works. We never had any kids but we do absolutely nothing together, we both make good money and we have gone on only 3 vacations together in all those years. We have gone on many separately, too many to count. We have separate sides of the house, separate bathrooms, sleep in separate beds, separate pair of dogs each and we eat separately. Again I figured this is the way it works because we were "comfortable". But a couple years ago I really started feeling we were more like room mates than spouses and also realized I had long since fell out of love with her. I started thinking more and more about leaving. Every time I tried to bring "stuff" up I was told to "get over it, that's life". I believed that for years. Finally I got a wake up call when I emotionally connected with a fantastic woman I knew (unmarried with a child) through a volunteering thing I do. We were friends for a year or so, tons in common, natural friends but never thought much of it until one day I started thinking about her and haven't stopped since. I fought it, it wasn't right. I hid from her then I would seek her out, then hide again, even pick fights, say weird things like i am thinking of you in a late night txt, sub consciously hoping to scare her off. She kept coming. This went on for a while but I realized no matter what any feelings for my wife were long since dead and I further realized that there is such thing as happiness and joy in a relationship. I never even felt this way with the wife. Back when I met my wife I was thinking with a different part of my anatomy. My goal was to "get" her nothing more. I think back I got married because I was "supposed to". The other woman and I finally talked about our feelings and she had all the same feelings and thoughts too, we have had a some nice moments but now she hides and then we meet again have another nice moment and hides again. Knowing all the time this was wrong, even though it never got very physical it still felt wrong. I Finally told the wife how I feel about her and the marriage, I never mentioned the other woman because to me it was irrelevant it would just hurt her more. I agree it made me really see the light but I long knew things were bad and kept making excuses for years. My wife tried to counter everything I said and said she was still in love with me. How? I can't even get her to hug me. We have sex she jumps up and leaves the room. She never wants to do anything unless shes drunk, if shes on the phone with her mother she always finds something to pick on me about to so her mother hears it, like shes got me by the "stones". Love yea right, she just sees her world collapsing and now is panicking. Now all of a sudden she wants to fix it,and its not "get over it" anymore. Well I am not getting over it this time. We separated, and she is constantly asking me how to do things in the house she never bothered to learn in the past all in between her crying. I feel really really bad, I didn't want to hurt her, I don't hate her but its time. I have thought about going back only because of guilt and fear of the momentous task of selling the house and storing stuff and all the divorce crap. But that's no reason to go back I know that. As far as the other girl I don't know if we will become anything, i do want to try but she is constantly on her roller coaster over it. But I know that no matter where that goes, with her or someone else true joy is possible, granted I am not naive I know that there will be plenty of downs in any relationship too but the ups can be fantastic. And that's something I never had in my life. If you really love someone you'll work through the downs, and i guess i never really loved my wife. Now I am trying through get this divorce which is not very fun. We are acting as adults so far so that's good but its painful process none the less. Any constructive comments or advice is certainly welcome.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

It is very common for a man or woman to fighting for dear life at the thought of losing something. Not being needy is a characteristic that is very attractive to others. She sees this. She isn't doing it for nefarious reasons, it is more of an instinctive reaction. She could be sincere, but this only is of your concern if you desire to put work into rebuilding the relationship. At this point I recommend you focusing, selfishly, on your happiness. Others don't have to lose. It is just too big of a risk to sacrifice your happiness by attempting to appease others. They are responsible for their own feelings and will be just fine. You will too.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

During this time I would say, you should get to know yourself better. Figure out what you want in your life and future relationships. I would not rush to get involved or start dating until the divorce is finalized. Just spend time with you, start doing things for yourself and invest in you.

Go thru with your divorce, you guys had ample time to sort out your marriage but you both choose not to. This is not a her issue alone but your's too. You both let your marriage disintegrate to a point of no return. So, during this time be conscious of what part you played in this breakdown and continue to be civil. 

If at a point you choose to reunite then, you can always date again. However, your marriage sounds dead. End it and give you both the opportunity to meet someone else to make a happy life with in the future. 

I wish you well. Let us know how things are going.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

Whatever you do, starting a new relationship should NOT be one of them. That is for later, much later. Yes, maybe your eyes were opened to see that a loving relationship is possible, but for now, you are married and a long way from being available. If you know you want a divorce, go ahead and file. I waited over six months before I filed, after moving out, and wish I had filed right away, as the divorce is still not done. Unless you want to do the work and try to save your marriage, there is no reason to wait.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I don't know, you seem to blame your wife for the state of your marriage but you were also a party to it. How much love and affection did you show your wife over the years? If you only wanted her for the sex then it probably wasn't long into the marriage when she realised that but yet she stayed. An unloved woman is a sad thing and no wonder she stopped trying.

Before you do anything you have to take a long hard look at yourself and how you acted all these years, your own selfishness, your own actions, how were they? it is easy to have your chain yanked by a new woman, something new always excites especially if it is reciprocated but the baggage you have now with your wife you would just bring it into the next relationship. In so many years you will find yourself in a similar place.

Instead of dumping this marriage, would it be possible to give (say) a year, put in the effort (you sound like the type of person who talks about ups and downs but isn't prepared to put your back into it) get professional help, reorganise your living arrangements (which are weird for a married couple) etc. Incidentally, whose idea was it to have seperate living arrangements? Yours?

The best way forward is to agree to work on yourselves as individuals, then move from there. If you still cannot make it together, then you know what to do.


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## grimm (Jan 26, 2016)

I do blame my self for a lot. I allowed far to much autonomy in the relationship which i think made us grow more apart. Now as far as sex i know i'm the man and typically that's all we want, funny part is i wanted the loving part she was the physical one. I tried and gave up. And yea another girl yanked my chain but i wouldn't call it easy, 17 years never once have i thought about doing that. And there were other opportunities, this one just hit home.


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## grimm (Jan 26, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> It is very common for a man or woman to fighting for dear life at the thought of losing something. Not being needy is a characteristic that is very attractive to others. She sees this. She isn't doing it for nefarious reasons, it is more of an instinctive reaction. She could be sincere, but this only is of your concern if you desire to put work into rebuilding the relationship. At this point I recommend you focusing, selfishly, on your happiness. Others don't have to lose. It is just too big of a risk to sacrifice your happiness by attempting to appease others. They are responsible for their own feelings and will be just fine. You will too.


My thoughts exactly, thanks!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Why on earth you agreed to "separate quarters" is beyond any "normal" definition of marriage.

How could you think this was normal? It really begs the question...

File for divorce immediately, if you haven't already. Then move on.

Put the "other woman" on the sidelines for now. Be a man of honor. Divorce your wife... THEN move on to other relationships.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

People who have never experienced a marriage without intimacy don't truly understand it. I've been there.

A hundred things a day that normal couples do bond them together. Most people don't think of them because they are just a given. Something we take for granted as part of a marriage.

In a marriage where you're basically living as roommates, living separate lives, those things don't happen. That bond isn't there. It either never existed or it faded away.

When you come to terms with this and decide to divorce, a lot of people advise to wait and be alone and get over the feelings, etc. What they don't realize is that you've been alone, the feelings have long since died, and you may be ready to date again.

My first marriage was like that. We had a lot of drama and BS, but boiling it down to it's simplest form, we weren't compatible and we lived separate lives in a marriage devoid of intimacy. Sex, yeah, we had sex. Intimacy? Nope. Closeness? Nope.

When I left, I left for a man I was having an affair with. Not proud of having had affairs, but the truth is the marriage was a sham and he was having affairs, too. I'm just the one who said enough is enough and called it.

My AP and I were told by everyone I needed time to grieve and get over the feelings and be on my own, etc. What they didn't understand was that I'd done all that years ago and was actually ready to move on. I didn't want to waste an opportunity to be with someone I was physically and emotionally compatible with , to waste even more of my life, so I decided to continue with my AP.

We've been married 13 years, together 16. The difference between the two relationships is night and day. DH and I share our lives. We talk, laugh, cuddle and kiss multiple times a day. Random touches if we happen to pass each other. We eat our meals together and a few times a week, we cook together, too. We sleep next to each other and hold each other in the night. I could go on, but I'm sure you get the point.

I think the hardest thing to adjust to was the closeness and intimacy. i desperately wanted it, but I was so unused to it that I freaked or froze a little here and there. DH would say "But you were married and lived with a man before..." and I'd have to explain to him yet again that, despite what people tend to think when they think marriage, I didn't have that with my ex, so in many ways I was much more like a single woman who'd never married than I was like a divorced woman with kids.

If you're sure the marriage cannot be saved, continue with the divorce. Kindly, but firmly, explain to your STBX that she is going to have to learn to stand on her own two feet. If something needs repair, she can learn to do it herself (Youtube is her friend!) or hire someone to do it. Clearly define what you will still be responsible for until the house sells and what she will be responsible for until the house sells. Once you have that worked out, take care of your responsibilities and leave her to take care of hers. Encouraging her to remain dependent on you isn't doing her any favors.

As far as your lady friend, if I were you I'd just take it slow and see how it goes.


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## grimm (Jan 26, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> People who have never experienced a marriage without intimacy don't truly understand it. I've been there.
> 
> A hundred things a day that normal couples do bond them together. Most people don't think of them because they are just a given. Something we take for granted as part of a marriage.
> 
> ...



Many people do not understand what it means to be alone when you are supposedly not alone. It sucks as you know. I am ready for intimacy as I miss it, no need to move on. I think that's why I was ripe for these feelings that I have for my "friend" and we are taking it slow. My wife and I are working through the filing now. I am not wasting any time doing it as I wasted enough already. Thanks for the words.


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## Sammy64 (Oct 28, 2013)

grimm said:


> *Many people do not understand what it means to be alone when you are supposedly not alone*. It sucks as you know. I am ready for intimacy as I miss it, no need to move on. I think that's why I was ripe for these feelings that I have for my "friend" and we are taking it slow. My wife and I are working through the filing now. I am not wasting any time doing it as I wasted enough already. Thanks for the words.


I understand.. 18 yrs .. Life gets better!!


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