# Cant bring myself to leave wife and kids



## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
Wife is more of a room mate than anything. 

Any suggestions?


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## Torninhalf (Nov 4, 2018)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
> Wife is more of a room mate than anything.
> 
> Any suggestions?


What is the problem exactly? Are you in love with your wife?


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## JerryWylder (Jul 3, 2021)

What specifically is the drive to seek divorce rather than try to spark whatever passion may have disappeared somewhere along the way? 

I ask partly because I am in a similar situation, and I am trying to pinpoint why I feel like walking away might be better, and the best answer I can come to for myself is that I have grown so emotionally separate from my wife over the last couple of years that I can barely share even happy feelings with her, much less troubling emotions. I also resent how much attention she dotes on our kids and how little attention she leaves for me - from my perspective I am an afterthought to her. I want some attention for a change, even if it's just from myself. At least that's how I interpret my thoughts and feelings at the moment. I want to see if I can change my perspective and turn things around before seriously considering divorce/separation.

Is it that you and your wife fight and disagree frequently on important things? Are you tired of the intimate relationship you have with her and seek a change in romantic partner? 

For you, the kids are a strong reason to keep it together at least until they're independent. If they make you happy and you want them in your life, it will be much easier to do if you are not divorced, trying to work out some shared custody arrangement. You said your wife is more like a room mate; does that at least mean you get along cordially?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

When you divorce you’ll still be capable of having time with them - if you request it.
On days when they aren’t with you keep in touch with them. Do they have their own phones?

Life is too short to spend it in unhappy relationships.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Any suggestions?


You do know there is this thing called shared custody?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you work? Does you wife work?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> Do you work? Does you wife work?


Neither of us work. As im disabled and wife is my carer. But she does more for other people than for me.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Neither of us work. As im disabled and wife is my carer. But she does more for other people than for me.


ok, how are going to survive without your wife caring for you?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> ok, how are going to survive without your wife caring for you?


I do more things then she does. Although i pay for it days after due to pain level spiking. But if i dont do things nothing gets done.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Beach123 said:


> When you divorce you’ll still be capable of having time with them - if you request it.
> On days when they aren’t with you keep in touch with them. Do they have their own phones?
> 
> Life is too short to spend it in unhappy relationships.


Yes they all have their own phones.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> I do more things then she does. Although i pay for it days after due to pain level spiking. But if i dont do things nothing gets done.


You haven't really replied to my question... can you be on your own and live independently?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can fully understand how hard you find it to imagine leaving your children even if you do end up with shared custody. 
I couldn't have done it. 
I wonder how you would manage living alone with your health issues.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

In Absentia said:


> You haven't really replied to my question... can you be on your own and live independently?


Yes i quite often have to fend for myself.so im used to being alone and doing things my own way.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I can fully understand how hard you find it to imagine leaving your children even if you do end up with shared custody.
> I couldn't have done it.
> I wonder how you would manage living alone with your health issues.


I know i could get the help that i need. But wife always said that i dont need any extra help as she is capable.but doesnt do anything for me


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

You are disabled but also do more than she does? Bit of an incongruity. Tough position wife is put in. How much help do you need for your physical limitatations? Are kids old enough to do chores?


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Erudite said:


> You are disabled but also do more than she does? Bit of an incongruity. Tough position wife is put in. How much help do you need for your physical limitatations? Are kids old enough to do chores?


I dont need much help. Kids help me with chores if i need them too and they help me more than the wife does to be fair, (but its not down to them to look after me. The wife gets money to care for me). I know if i was too leave then i could get carers in to help me manage on my worst days.


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## Feeling Solo (Dec 28, 2021)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
> Wife is more of a room mate than anything.
> 
> Any suggestions?


First, have you had this discussion with your wife? If not, your honesty needs to be the first thing that happens unless she's some psycho and you fear for your life and your kids. But I would hope if that's the case you wouldn't be on a casual forum and would seek legal help instead.

My second thought is why are you saying you're leaving the kids? You already spend time with them alone it seems and aren't always glued to them with your wife so why wouldn't you try a trial separation? Get some breathing room so you can think and know for sure what's best.


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## Kassi (11 mo ago)

Just curious, though I'm sure this has been explored. Could you insist on a part time caregiver while still maintaining your marriage? It might allow you both some autonomy.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Feeling Solo said:


> First, have you had this discussion with your wife? If not, your honesty needs to be the first thing that happens unless she's some psycho and you fear for your life and your kids. But I would hope if that's the case you wouldn't be on a casual forum and would seek legal help instead.
> 
> My second thought is why are you saying you're leaving the kids? You already spend time with them alone it seems and aren't always glued to them with your wife so why wouldn't you try a trial separation? Get some breathing room so you can think and know for sure what's best.


I have tried talking to my wife many times but she cant see anything wrong and anytime i try and talk to her she dismisses me and says im moaning at her and then goes sulking in the bedroom until i apologize as the kids can see that i have upset her and i dont want them to be upset with me.


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## 342853 (Mar 11, 2020)

Kassi said:


> Just curious, though I'm sure this has been explored. Could you insist on a part time caregiver while still maintaining your marriage? It might allow you both some autonomy.


Wife has always said that im not allowed to get in a carer to help. As she says that she can look after me ( think she afraid of losing the money she gets to care for me) 
even tho its me who does most of the chores around the house, but as my disability is getting worse daily im struggling to do this.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Wife has always said that im not allowed to get in a carer to help. As she says that she can look after me ( think she afraid of losing the money she gets to care for me)
> even tho its me who does most of the chores around the house, but as my disability is getting worse daily im struggling to do this.


She is treating you exactly the way you are allowing her to. If you aren't willing to stand up for what YOU need and want from your "partnership", then you can't expect her to care about how you feel.

You want her to spontaneously be a better partner to you, on her own. She never will be, because what she is doing right now is allowed by you and making her happy. She LIKES the way things are...she has no reason to change.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s not going to change. It’s been the same story since you joined. Unfortunately, you’ll either have to accept your life as it is or somehow manage to change it yourself but don’t depend on her for cooperation or anything else. It works for her.


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## redmarshall (11 mo ago)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
> Wife is more of a room mate than anything.
> 
> Any suggestions?


It seems like a difficult situation, one doesn't have to stay in a place they don't want to be in. However you do have to understand that there are problems associated with this if you do go through, you said yourself that you have health issues and its going to become harder looking after yourself. You'll probably have to still find a carer(whom you will have to pay) to look after you. What exactly is bothering you about the situation?
-That she gets paid and doesn't look after you at all?
-Why divorce, seems like an extreme step to take especially since you're co-dependent.

I am not saying do not walk out, but do weigh your options to make sure you land up in a better position and not a worse one. There is no undoing this step, so put your emotions to one side, and make a list of potential options and the factors associated with that. Remember the grass always appears greener on the other side.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
> Wife is more of a room mate than anything.
> 
> Any suggestions?


Dude, you have asked a variation of this same question many times before. I remember the last time, if I was your wife I would resent your whining. 

If you don't love her, which you clearly don't, screw up your courage and leave. You're robbing her of her life, even if she's a nagging shrew she deserves better than being in a relationship with a person that takes to the Internet periodically to ask others to give you the courage you lack to leave.


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## Destrozada (10 mo ago)

Jamesjones10123 said:


> Been married nearly 15 years. Got 3 children together. The kids are the only ones who make me happy and i cant bring myself to leave them. I have thought of divorce a few times but never acted upon my decisions. Im only happy when its me and the kids or when im alone. Im confused as to what to do for the best
> Wife is more of a room mate than anything.
> 
> Any suggestions?



Counseling.... Go and find out what you need in a safe, neutral, place. The specific advise we could give you is generic. Only you will know after talking to a therapist.


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