# My EX finally apologized for the way she treated me



## Houstondad

Hey everyone. I've been wanting to share something that happened a week ago and have finally decided to share it. I guess this is my way of putting the finishing touches on processing all that has recently happened.

My EX was down here visiting the kids for Spring Break. We had family counseling around Thursday and when the kids were outta the room, my EX shared that our trust (and communication) is still poor. She started to tear up and said she is starting to accept the reality that I'll never trust her and that I view her as a monster.
I replied that my lack of trust doesn't have to be permanent. I want to trust her (for the sake of our kids). But she needs to start earning that trust.
The next day she shares with me that her live-in BF hit her in the face on New Years Eve. Our kids (and his) didn't see this, and she left for a hotel with the kids the next morning for the final 4 days they were visiting. She is set to move out in a few weeks and he is pleading to move in with her. She said she told him no, but is scared at what he'll do since he has a history of anger and exploding. Why she hasn't moved out already?!? Her response is that she's worried about his 2 little girls and that she's still doesn't know where it all went wrong with him. She did say she has a problem jumping into relationships (co-dependent?!?). But that's her problem.

Anyways, the next day she asks me to have a talk with her again face to face and I figure it's about the trust issue. 

*It turns out she apologized for putting me through hell*. For all the things she did to me, for the way she treated me and she regrets not being strong enough. She said that I am a really great guy and I didn't deserve what she did to me. She wishes she could take it all back. She was sobbing and asking for a hug. Whether you agree or not on this one, I actually gave her the hug. I actually felt sorry for her. The anger wasn't there. But disappointment in her definitely was. She kept apologizing again and again and asked for another hug. She said she is putting herself in my shoes to understand why I made the choices I did. She's starting to finally understand. She started showing me books on depression and happiness and how she will be going to a workshop on this. She also shared she had a relapse of depression last month. 

She admitted moving away is only giving her a temporary/superficial type of happiness. But all the other realities of having a job, paying bills, and living with what turned out to be an abusive BF did not give her the happiness she was looking for. She admitted that happiness is found inside ourselves (duh!). She's realizing now the grass isn't as green on the other side. BUT, she said she's not ready to move back close to home with the kids. 

She admitted she's still a mess and needs to improve herself first.She doesn't want to end up dead like her mom (who withered away after poor health and depression (manic too?). She has invited me to stay at her place when I visit the kids. She also stated her friends up there wouldn't view me as a bad EX because she told them about her infidelities and that I was a great guy, etc. etc. Weird, huh? 

So all of this didn't make me feel as great as I thought I would. I have to admit I've been hoping this day would come, started to accept that it wouldn't and when it did, just didn't feel like I thought it would. Just a very somber talk between us. It did make me feel better that I wasn't as bad a person as she tried to make me out to be. That has really helped and I'm not as hard on myself. But that doesn't mean I learned a lot from this and I'm still working on making myself even better than before.

Since she has left she hasn't said much to me since (except wanting my input about the kids summer camp/ day care this summer which is actually a start in the right direction!). 

Oh. And did I mention 3 weeks ago she offered me to stay 2 weeks instead of 1 week with her during my kids summer visitation with her? That was the first hint that something was up, like her seeking possible reconciliation? Now she tells me I can stay as long as I like.
And that really started messing with my emotions, at first. I would say now that I've had a week to process all of this, my emotions are in check and that I'm getting back on track to focusing on my kids and myself. So this message is sort of my attempt to finally put this chapter behind me.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

I think that's great progress toward a solid foundation in co-parenting... personally I'd still be cautious as this didn't come until the boyfriend hit her. Maybe it IS the wake-up call she needed. Are you considering R? I'm guessing maybe you aren't since you said you didn't feel like you expected. Just curious as to what thoughts this leaves you with.

If no R (actually even if you are considering) I wouldn't stay overnight at her place. My guess is she's hoping to get you into bed and suck you back into her life. And if you DO reconcile, it should be slowly and on your terms.

But so glad you got the apology and recognition you deserve!


----------



## Houstondad

The more time I had to process it, I did become more cautious to why she apologized now. I know the BF abuse has had an affect on the wake-up call. But I also see it as her wanting me to rescue her. I really think she's co-dependent. I realize I was one too in our marriage. It's something I'm working on. I was also a notorious rescuer during our marriage. It's one of the things I'm working on right now too. 

The first few days after she apologized and told me how hard things have been, I wanted to "rescue" her. Or at least tell her the door was open, that she learned her lesson. 

Now that I've had time to think about EVERYTHING, that door is not open right now. 
I was initially thinking If she really makes the effort and is successful in making her better than ever, I might discuss the possibility with her. And now I'm telling myself not to even think about that. When I look back to how she treated me during the infidelity, I immediately say, "Am I crazy?" It was bad. It would take a ton of work on her part to help repair that kind of damage. I just don't know if she has it in her. And do I?
I just know I need to continue moving on with my life and not worry about hers. 
I realized that my thoughts of "R" was based on reuniting with the person I met 15 years ago AND to have a family that was back together and happy. Like a storybook ending, right? I can't think like that. Not now at least.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Glad you have that clarity. Don't get me wrong - it would be GREAT if she could find that girl from 15 years ago and resolve her issues. Between the growth you did and her self-discovery I'm not saying R couldn't happen... I'd just proceed cautiously and start as you were dating from the beginning again; not letting the rosy glow of sex and happy memories put you in that fog that keeps you from seeing reality. 

As to whether she has it in her, time will tell, including whether you have it in you or not. But at the very least you will be better co-parents and that is GREAT!


----------



## Entropy3000

Accept the apology. 

Forgive her even. 

But continue to hold her accountable. 

She has proved that she can never be trusted. Do not fall for the tears. The tears may have been genuine but they are out of self pity and plan B.

In her own way she is trying to manipulate you. Too much drama this one. You have to deal with her because of the kids. This is not the faithful wife you were looking for or deserve. Put your life together and when you are ready find a woman of quality.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

Houstondad:

If you haven't read 'Codependent No More' by Melody Beattie, then get a copy, read it, do all the work at the end of each chapter. You will be AMAZED at what you learn about yourself and how you can learn to COPE/change the information you acknowledge.

It would probably also be a good book for your ex-wife, but there is NO WAY to present THAT information without looking like you're rescuing her and holding out false hope to her. *Just get the book and work it yourself.* Perhaps there will be an opportunity to give her the book IN THE FUTURE.


----------



## MyselfAgain

I'm with Entropy. Thriled that you have an.opportunity to improve co-parenting relationship, but very, very wary of her. The bottom line is that the girl you met was someone she wanted to be, someone she wanted you to.see. when life got tough, those.layers were peeled away and she showed you parts of herself that are just plain toxic. There are women in this world who will not be toxic to you, and I.hope that when you're ready to bring a woman into your life, you will make sure to choose the right woman. Your ex may work on her issues, but will you ever be able to completely relax with her? Really trust her? In my mind, I can't see how it would be good for you after all the work you're doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Houstondad

It's strange that after someone apologizes to you, the feelings you think you would have felt aren't entirely there. I initially felt sorry for her and dissapointed. And since then, she's been silent about it. Now, not only do I still feel dissapointment, I'm actually feeling anger towards her. I have the silly thoughts of her thinking that since she apologized, her "record" is now clean/expunged and everything is ok. I want her to remain remorseful for what she did to me and our family. And still is because she continues to live far away from our kids. 

Codependent No More just came in the mail last night. Definitely reading it because I need to let go of wondering what she is thinking/feeling. I don't want to be the co-dependent,white knight, enabling sucker that I was. And to some degree, still is.

Most of my posts are about my EX, not about me. 
Recently,when we had family counseling, we had to pick a small figurine for each family member and explain why we picked it. Who did I pick to represent myself? A Fireman. Nuff said. 
And later that night, when my EX apologized, I turned around and sent her a short little self-help video on Vulnerability and Loving Yourself (she never replied back to me on it by the way).Afterwards, I realized I was starting my foolish old habits and stopped immediately.
So yes, this book is definitely at the top of my list right now. To let her go entirely. And for me to be free and to focus on myself for once. The only way for me to have a chance of ending this co-dependence is by putting the advice from the book into practice.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Entropy3000 said:


> Accept the apology.
> 
> Forgive her even.
> 
> But continue to hold her accountable.
> 
> She has proved that she can never be trusted. Do not fall for the tears. The tears may have been genuine but they are out of self pity and plan B.
> 
> In her own way she is trying to manipulate you. Too much drama this one. You have to deal with her because of the kids. This is not the faithful wife you were looking for or deserve. Put your life together and when you are ready find a woman of quality.


:iagree: I agree with this 100%. While it is nice that she is apologetic and is saying/doing the right things I think it's more self serving than anything else. Even if it isn't it's important that you move on and away from her emotionally. 

It's nice to be friendly, supportive and cordial because you have to coparent your kids but it should start and end there. You shouldn't be staying in HER place at any point. You need to move on and she needs to fix herself as well. It sounds like she has some SERIOUS emotional issues and is still acting them out. 

You need to be there for your kids (as you have been) and not become entangled in her emotional web. It's obvious that you still have a long way to go before you become emotionally detached from her. Only then can you make a decision about what is you truly want or need from her as a former spouse and the mother of your children. 

My STBXH apologized as well. It was a very matter of fact and sincere apology andI accepted it. No drama at all...but then again, neither of us are into drama these days. That's all behind us. I was glad to accept his apology and appreciated him doing so. I told him that I understand that he's trying hard and I want him to be a good father to our son. Yes, I've hugged as well because I still care about him as a friend. 

That said, I ALWAYS stress to him that EVERYTHING I do in our relationship now is about our son. WE don't have a relationship at all as couple. We are parents. That's it. It keeps both of us aware that we are now separate entities with boundaries as such that need to be respected and adhered to. That's what divorce is.


----------



## Chuck71

It's the journey, never destination

Ex jumps into relationship and involves the kids? Hmmmm

Left you for guy with anger issues. Why's that a familiar theme?

Is the R to her convenience or sincere?


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

houstondad:

Glad you got the book! I found it VERY USEFUL in that it helped me to feel/access/accept/work on problems that caused me to be codependent.

I have known (intellectually) for YEARS where my problems stem from. But reading AND DOING THE WORK in that book, helped me to really FEEL (like a kick in the gut) where the problems come from, helped me see HOW they influenced my choices, helped me learn to understand and BEHAVE DIFFERENTLY now and in the future.

I can't recommend the book highly enough. But you DO have to "WORK" the questions at the end of the chapters; it's not enough to just READ the book for the knowledge. It's a really good WORKBOOK!

Next up for me (on my Kindle as we speak) is "Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation" by Harriet Braiker, MD.

If you're interested, let me know and I'll give you my (humble) opinion of that one when I've finished it! Please PM me and let me know if YOU find any other useful books on codependency, manipulation, etc., too!

Thanks,
SGW


----------



## hope4family

Funny, last night I apologized to my soon to be ex wife for my co-dependent actions in the relationship. 

I'm working on getting rid of that too. The fact that you remain aware is important. Remember, it's not her emotions you need to watch out for, in co-dependency it is your own emotions. 

That "slap in the face" might have awakened her co-dependency. However, it could also be the first step in establishing a solid co-parenting relationship. Good luck to you and her.

Remember this, if you do reconcile, let it be because of a sudden spark caused by something mutual. Like your children soccer ball game, or through a long period of solid communication and respect. Do not reconcile because she is having a bad day/week/month. 

A good line I believe I read here is when your ex problem dumps to you. (Mine does.) Exercise your, "That's terrible, what are you going to do about it?" Phrase.


----------

