# The beginning stages?



## Tangodown

Hello everyone. Sorry to start a new thread, as it would be nice if this part of the forum didn't exist. I've been a long time reader but finally decided to post my story, because, frankly, I feel like some of the seasoned pros or other victims of infidelity might be able to offer insight. 

A few weeks ago, my wife started a new job at a new gym (she's a personal trainer). She's very pretty, and very fit. I accept that she'll get hit on at the gym, and I'm ok with that. 

However, she's met a guy at the gym who's clearly taken a. Interest in her. He's married as well, and a local radio dj, and clearly thinks of himself as a pseudo celebrity. It started with him making jokes about taking his kids and our daughter on trips. Seemed innocent enough at first because she told me about this. My internal alarm was already ringing, though.

So she says he wants to mention her on his show, etc., which is great for business, but I, and anyone else, for that matter, knows it's not because he's just a nice guy.

At some point they exchange numbers and begin texting. She's not volunteering me access to her phone, but not exactly hiding it either, mostly because she knows that I'm not nosy and I trust her. However, my gut tells me to start checking messages if I get the chance, and I do. He's asking her training advice, etc. so far so good. Then I see a text about apologizing for calling her gorgeous. Says it's inappropiate, and he knows that, but "it's the truth". She thanks him for the compliment (this message was subsequently deleted).

They continue texting. At last count, over 300 times in 10 days. Mostly innocent banter but he is obviously fishing to gauge her interest. He tells her he wants her to train him (she tells me this) and says she thinks it's great for her career etc. I ask her if he's keeping it clean, and not making any off color remarks. She lies and says yes (this is after he says ina message "I can't stand the thought of not seeing...I mean training with you for three days"). She tells him that they are a good team and she'll train him well.

Fast forward to last night, and he starts text bombing her. I know it's him, but I act non chalant. She tells me it's him texting, and my first thought is that I didn't even ask, so why are you telling me? I managed to glance at her phone briefly and the last message was him saying that he misses her. And her reply was "me too see ya tomorrow".

Now, she's gone completely private with her cell phone. Attached at her hip when before it wasn't. She has a slightly increased sexual appetite as well. And started trying new positions even though she's a very vanilla girl sexually.

I don't think it's gone PA yet (although who knows). Is this considered an EA? I'm keeping my cool and playing dumb because I want to see what the progression is. Is that the best course of action? Suggestions?

TIA.


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## Noble1

Sorry you are here.

More seasoned vets will be along but the change in phone and even sex is a potential big red flag.

If she gives you any opening at all when mentioning this guy...eg. she tells you about some "minor" flirting...you have to tell her that its not appropriate and that it will not be tolerated. If you act like it doesn't bother you, she might take it as a clue that its ok to continue.

On other treads, a "minor" opening is an indication of some guilt coming out and the need to rationalize what is happening. So if she tells you and nothing bad happens....well then.

Don't confront without solid evidence though. From the looks of things, that would just push the activity underground even more.

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000

Really no excuse for her to be texting with him even about nothing.

If he is a client then she can instruct him at the GYM when it is paid for.

If he is not a client this is inappropriate and you need to shut this down asap.


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## Tangodown

He's a client now. She trains him once a week. But he started telling her that he's been fighting with his wife etc. I know this is all inappropriate. I find it odd that she does not. I would tell her but like I said I want to see where this is going. Because at the end of the day I don't believe the marriage is worth saving if she has to set what should be obvious boundaries. She's an adult and can make her own choices.


ETA she's texting him way more than she's texting me. Additionally, if I use the find my phone app it ashtrays works unless she says she's at the gym. Then it miraculously doesn't work for an hour or so. Which indicates to me that it's off. 

I guess I'm just checking to see if I'm overacting or if I should legit be concerned.


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## Dyokemm

Expose the POS to his BW.

Contact her and ask her if she knows how much he has been texting your WW and that he's telling her he misses her.

Then confront your W about this s**t.

Tell her you've seen the messages, and then demand she NOT train this POS since he is communicating so inappropriately with her.

You caught this early.

Crush it immediately.


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## FormerSelf

Is the guy married? The fact that they are constantly texting each other means the relationship has gone beyond professional. I certainly hope she doesn't "train" him well, but this certainly needs to be nipped in the bud quickly before she does.

He's trying to wear her down with conversation and flattery...trying to get his foot in the door, so he can get to the next base. He sounds friendly and sociable which is why is is disarming enough to not creep her away, but now it is obvious he is trying to establish a bond. She may not be wholly responsding ti his advances, but she's not setting boundaries either...probably secretly likes the positive attention. When he thinks she has opened up to him enough, he'll try to set the hook...either blow her off or start hitting on other women to see if she'll pursue. Don't let it get to that point.


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## Noble1

Many other treads have shown that's what happens....the OM starts complaining about how their marriage is crap and the wife doesn't care like "you" do, you are pretty, etc....

All a slippery slope that too many people fall into.

Like you said, its not an accident that just happens..its the little bad choices the person makes at each step.


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## Dyokemm

Oh btw,

Your WW will undoubtedly say that nothing is going on, he's just a gym member she's assisting.

Don't buy it.

Inform her directly that the messages you have seen are over the line and have NOTHING to do with keeping fit. It's just this POS fishing to see if he can seduce her.

And you demanding she respect this boundary is just you making sure it doesn't happen and protecting your M and family.


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## Entropy3000

Tangodown said:


> He's a client now. She trains him once a week. But he started telling her that he's been fighting with his wife etc. I know this is all inappropriate. I find it odd that she does not. I wound tell her but like I said I want to see where this is going. Because at the end of the day I don't believe the marriage is work saving of she have to set what should be obvious boundaries. She's an adult and can make her own choices.
> 
> 
> ETA she's texting him way more than she's texting me. Additionally, if I use the find my phone app it ashtrays works unless she says she's at the gym. Then it miraculously doesn't work for an hour or so. Which indicates to me that it's off.
> 
> I guess I'm just checking to see if I'm overacting or if I should legit be concerned.


Well, I suggest you shut it down. But I get where you are coming from.

No you are not overreacting. Yes she should know better. Shouldn't we all. I didn't.


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## Tangodown

But should I gather mote concrete evidence before going that route or just blow it wide open now?

Sorry for typos. Swype is not serving me well today.


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## Entropy3000

Tangodown said:


> But should I gather mote concrete evidence before going that route or just blow it wide open now?


I say no.

Others will say yes. Because my purpose is different.

I would not be trying to validate a PA.

My objectove would be to cut this off before it becomes a PA. Like my wife did with me.

You know enough now to tell her this is not right.

Now if she takes in underground you know she is not worth keeping.

This stuffs gets worse with time.

Others will tell you to put a VAR in her car. Ther a re not wrong. I am just saying that you may be able to stopthis. Idunno.

So I would talk to her BUT I just might put that VAR in the car as well. I confess I would turn on Find My iPhone. I would do what I could to investiagte for sure.


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## FormerSelf

Others may disagree, but evidence gathering is best when you know something has probably gone on for some time. If you lay low right now, things probably will get steamy between them when it doesn't have to. Now is the time to dig into your Alpha Male...it doesn't have to be logical...just tell her you don't like him, don't trust him, stay the hell away from him...or there's the MF door! Being too nice or worried that you'll offend her will more than likely result in you allowing an affair to take place..it already is at the stage of emotional flirtation. 

I mean sure get VAR and stuff to see if she stays in contact, but I think it is worth telling her right now to drop him as a client...and any further contact is unacceptable.


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## Tangodown

I understand both sides of the argument. Confront now and end it or build more evidence so I can say I know for sure. I honestly don't know what to do. This position blows.


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## anchorwatch

I agree with E3K

Build more evidence while it starts picking up steam and she gets in deeper, with more $hit for you to handle. Or set your boundary now, and tell her this is not what you signed up for and c0ck block him now? 

These things don't happen when spouses have defined and clear boundaries. No hurt feelings, just safe mutually assured boundaries.

He's not her friend, he's a client masquerading as a helpful friend trying to push her boundaries and get a piece. Act quickly, what you'll go through now, will be a lot easier than latter, and will be a big dose of prevention for it happening again. 

Hand her this book... Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"


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## FormerSelf

Tangodown said:


> I understand both sides of the argument. Confront now and end it or build more evidence so I can say I know for sure. I honestly don't know what to do. This position blows.


This is such at an early stage, you don't want there to be any more evidence, bud! The fact that they are conversing so frequently and he is making inappropriate compliments to her that she isn't rebuffing...that this is just a good recipe for an affair.

Do not be afraid to catch her ire...or her to get offended at you for "not trusting me." Say, "I don't like HIM! I don't like this...it's just ugly the way I see it...you have been warned."

Fear of worst-case scenarios will result in self-fulfilling prophecy. Do not give into the fear that she will leave you over standing up for your marriage, your wife, and your self-respect. She'll probably get pissy, but may respect you all the more for it.

I would even show up to the gym and tell the guy straight-up...find another trainer.


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## The Middleman

Tangodown said:


> I understand both sides of the argument. Confront now and end it or build more evidence so I can say I know for sure. I honestly don't know what to do. This position blows.



Don't wait for evidence, blow it wide open now. Grab the phone ... Just take it and read the conversations. (Consider posting them on line for your all your friends and family to see) Then end it. Let her know that if she wants to stay married to you she has to quits the job and never contact this guy again. I have to say that you seem to be coming off as being weak, and that is unattractive to her.


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## TBT

I agree with entropy,anchorwatch and FS. Besides if she's aware of your attitude of seeing how far it will go,she may want you to be doing something about it. Sh*t test aren't uncommon.


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## walkonmars

If she starts going off on you challenge her to reveal all her texts to/from this doush. 

Super-gluing the phone to her body is straight from the cheater's script. She's gettin into it now. 

Go ahead a put a VAR in her car before you set your boundaries with her. You want to be sure she just doesn't blow you off by promising to cut it off with him and then arrange for "private training" away from prying eyes.


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## 6301

Tangodown said:


> I understand both sides of the argument. Confront now and end it or build more evidence so I can say I know for sure. I honestly don't know what to do. This position blows.


 If it was me, I would shut it down now before it gets so far out of hand that it might be too hard to put the pieces together. 

She's your wife. She is old enough and smart enough to know that this is unacceptable behavior on her part.

First it starts with him wanting to mention her on his radio show. Next, they exchange numbers and it starts a little at a time. Now 300 texts in 10 days. Now the phone is glued to her hip so what do you think is going to happen if you just sit and wait.

If it's me, I let her know that this is bull $h!t and it stops now and any more of it and she's going to get a example of what trouble is.

Next. I call the radio station and let the station manager know that this bum of a DJ is putting the move on your wife.

Then you let your wife know that if she wants to stay married then she better get a book on how to be a better wife and read it real quick or the next book she reads will be how to be a ex wife and do not let her have any wiggle room. She's an adult and she knows better. Don't play games because you'll lose.


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## Entropy3000

Tangodown said:


> But should I gather mote concrete evidence before going that route or just blow it wide open now?
> 
> Sorry for typos. Swype is not serving me well today.


Evidence of what? If you wait long enough you have a better chance of catching something that has grown.

These ting sstart small. They can explode very quickly. 

You have enough evidence now to state you see boundaries being over run. She will say he is just a friend. You say, you are very unconfortable with and tell her this is unacceptable. If she blows you off then you know all you need to.

The sooner you catch this the sooner you can get this at a stage she may comply. Otherwise the brain chemicals will block you out.

Basically what is your goal? If you want out of the marriage then let this go.


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## Entropy3000

TBT said:


> I agree with entropy,anchorwatch and FS. Besides if she's aware of your attitude of seeing how far it will go,she may want you to be doing something about it. Sh*t test aren't uncommon.


Yes


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## MSP

It's impossible to say whether or not it is a physical affair yet, but there is a high chance it is, especially since she turns off FindMyPhone when she is with him. Does she turn it off when she is training anyone else? If not, then I suspect that they are not actually at the gym. If they were, she would leave it on because it would serve as an alibi--"Look, I'm where I say I am!". Considering it's off, she's very likely not there. Why else turn it off, unless to hide your location? 

So, at this point, you have two main options. If you decide that it is already physical affair, don't say a thing and do intel. VAR in the car and so on. Once you get enough evidence for you to know what is truly going on, act. 

The second option is that you decide that it is not a physical affair yet, but is rapidly on its way to becoming one. If this is your choice, confront now and tell her she is to have no further contact with this guy. FYI, he is following an almost perfect cheater script for married men who seduce married women. He is like clockwork. After you confront her, get prepared for it to go underground and VAR her and track her every move. It will almost definitely go physical at this point, unless you crush it very hard and insist on total transparency and an immediate no-contact agreement. Also, you would have to confront him, expose to his wife, and threaten to tell his workplace. I know DJs and public opinion makes or breaks them. If you have dirt on a DJ, his employers will get nervous. 

Either way, act ASAP.


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## Openminded

There's a chance it's not physical yet. Stop it now.


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## waiwera

I've done personal training for years and it's really important to keep things professional as it's a job where you do form relationships with your clients, you touch their bodies and usually wear 'attractive' workout gear.
Messages can get crossed very easily.
BUT your wife is now hiding device usage and content....serious red flags.

I would never send or accept personal messages/texts/conversations about marital issues. I'm there to train their body...not be their counsellor.

Good that you're so onto it..... as said sort your evidence and re-establish boundaries. Save your marriage while you still can....hopefully.


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## Tangodown

Quick update. She told me that he admitted that he's training with her because she's hot. But he put a caveat on the statement and said she really knows what she is doing. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive and tried to flip it on me.


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## walkonmars

Tangodown said:


> Quick update. She told me that he admitted that he's training with her because she's hot. But he put a caveat on the statement and said she really knows what she is doing. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive and tried to flip it on me.


Ask her if she thinks this guy's wife would be okay with the texts she's been getting from mr. body-wonderful. 

Ask her if she'd be okay with showing those messages to her parents. 

Ask her if you can sign up with a hot trainer and speak to her the way she's being spoken to.


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## The Middleman

Tangodown said:


> Quick update. She told me that he admitted that he's training with her because she's hot. But he put a caveat on the statement and said she really knows what she is doing. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive and tried to flip it on me.


I would tell her she either ends any and all contact with him or my next conversation about this is going to be with my lawyer. He goes or I go. That's what I would do. 

Is this a$$wipe married? If so, find out who his wife is and tell her what's going on.


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## anchorwatch

Common for her to flip it on you and force you to back down so she can continue getting her endorphin fix from him. By insisting she's got it under control and pulling the 'you don't trust her' card, she showing her immaturity here. 

Don't back down it's got nothing to do with trust, it's got to do with disrespecting you by allowing herself to be in such close proximity to someone who admits to hitting on her. She should be displaying clear boundaries to all comers by shutting him down and anyone else who tried that. That's how she proves you can trust her, not the other way around by allowing promiscuity.

BTW, the phone secrecy is a no-no, don't allow that either, she lost that by these actions and needs transparency to gain your trust back. If she continues, just give her a little scare, she too can be replaced by someone who will give other men clear boundaries and will not associate with lowlife married men who hit on married women.

Hold your ground, she's going to test your determination. Think junkie in withdrawal, needing a fix. She won't be thinking rationally , only about her craving. It'll be awhile. Once she's away from him it will subside and she'll get back to normal.


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## FormerSelf

Tangodown said:


> Quick update. She told me that he admitted that he's training with her because she's hot. But he put a caveat on the statement and said she really knows what she is doing. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive and tried to flip it on me.


Like I said, she will probably get pissy when you confront her. Just let her be pissy. Still, hold your ground...let her be mad...but it still doesn't change the fact that her contact with homeboy ENDS NOW.


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## Chaparral

Tell your wife you will not tolerate this. Then call him, direct him to cheaterville.com. Ask him being on there will help him and his marriage 
because if he messes with your family again you will put him on it. No more texting etc.

If it were me I would confront him at the club.


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## 6301

Then flip it back on her. Let her know about the amount of messages he sent to her and her guarding the phone all the time.

Let her know that as long as she's your wife, you expect her to act like one and there will be no more contact with the guy for any reason and just to up the ante on her to let her know that your serious, call or go to the radio station and let the station manager know that his DJ will be sending out S.O.S. signals from the station if he goes any where near your wife or contacts her. Better yet let the DJ know. 

What kind of program does he have. Does he play music or is it a talk show with call in's? If that's the case then call in and broadcast it on the air. 

if she isn't happy about it then tell her to take her shapely ass someplace else and file. let her know that your serious as a heart attack about it and you wont put up with her BS.


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## FormerSelf

6301 said:


> What kind of program does he have. Does he play music or is it a talk show with call in's? If that's the case then call in and broadcast it on the air.


Haha..I was thinking the same thing!! Even if it isn't his timeslot...as long as yo can get live on air..."Hey tell so-so to stay away from my wife!"


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## EI

Entropy3000 said:


> Really no excuse for her to be texting with him even about nothing.
> 
> If he is a client then she can instruct him at the GYM when it is paid for.
> 
> If he is not a client this is inappropriate and you need to shut this down asap.


Former wayward wife here:

I'll go one further. The boundaries have already been pushed too far. There is already, at the very least, a lot of sexual tension building between them. He can't be her client, now, "IT" is already in the air. The "feel good chemicals" are flowing between them with every text, every compliment, every contact at the gym, etc. If it hasn't gone physical, yet, it will if someone doesn't put a stop to it immediately. I don't think it's unusual for a soon-to-be-wayward to talk to their spouse about their potential AP before an affair even begins. In an odd way, they may almost be feeling their spouse out to see how far they can push their boundaries. Or, they may even be trying to lessen their guilt by "putting it out there." 

I'm not explaining this very well, but I know that I did it myself during the first couple of weeks after I made contact, on Facebook, with an old high school boyfriend. I would say that my EA began within the first couple of days of chatting online. It took only 13 days for the Facebook chatting to turn into our first in-person encounter in over 30 years. It became a full-blown EA/PA the very first time we saw each other, again, after more than 3 decades. During the first couple of weeks, while I was "only" chatting with the AP, I frequently mentioned to B1 that I had found that guy I used to work with, at the fast-food, take-out restaurant, when I was in high school. "You know, B1, the one I dated for a while. Yeah, he's divorced, and he works at ******, he's doing really well. I think you'd like him." 

You need to shut it down ASAP....... period. Now, that's my contribution...... The others will have to tell you how to best go about that.


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## Dredd

I don't agree with a backseat "we'll just see what she does, she's an adult" idea. This is your marriage, something you two swore to uphold. I'd ask your wife to put an end to they're training sessions immediately, and work on repairing the breach that she obviously sees in your relationship. What is she not getting that is driving her to get it outside the bounds of your marriage?


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## Tangodown

Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no. 

I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out. 

I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


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## Dyokemm

Your best ally in blowing this up is his BW....expose to her immediately.

And if POS keeps trying to contact your W, go to the gym and have a 'conversation' with this piece of trash.

Oh, and when you expose to OMW, make sure you pass on all the crap he has been talking about her to your W.


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## Chaparral

Now call the a$$holes wife.


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## Q tip

It's already started. Get in there and do some c$ock blocking. Book - MMSLP. Start communicating with your wife.


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## Chaparral

If she is not willing to fight for her marriage, she's pretty far gone.


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## Jambri

Dredd said:


> I don't agree with a backseat "we'll just see what she does, she's an adult" idea. This is your marriage, something you two swore to uphold. I'd ask your wife to put an end to they're training sessions immediately, and work on repairing the breach that she obviously sees in your relationship. What is she not getting that is driving her to get it outside the bounds of your marriage?


I agree, if it were me I'd tell her either this ends here and now or I'm gone.:iagree:


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## Machiavelli

If she was open with the phone on one night, then turned off her iPhone for an hour the next day and then had the phone on lockdown that night, you have a very strong clue the affair became physical that day during the iPhone blackout. 

I commend you on your decisive action; this makes you look like The Man to her, even while she's hating you for it, and that raises your attraction.

Is she packing her shiite?


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## Jambri

Tangodown said:


> Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no.
> 
> I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.
> 
> I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


What you've done is stood up for yourself and made it plain to her that you've got no intention of being the willing cuckold. Best move you could have made.


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## anchorwatch

Don't waver. Let her go stew about how much trouble her little fun caused everyone, for a night or so.You still hold some cards, no one but the two of you know yet. Where will she go, to family or friends? She'll have to say something about why she's there.


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## wranglerman

Tangodown said:


> Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no.
> 
> I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.
> 
> I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


Only mistake so far, not exposing to POSOMs BW at the same time as throwing her out, by doing that and calling his boss at the radio station he suddenly becomes preoccupied with saving his marriage and his job and will throw your WW under a bus to save himself, then suddenly she gets the s4!t end of the stick and shut out in the cold on both sides, only then does reality hit home!

sorry you are here man, I know all about WW and what can happen at the gym 

Best advice, expose to his w and his boss.

Good luck and keep posting.


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## Dyokemm

Tango,

So what was her response when you called her out on the lying?

Now follow through on the exposure, only now expose to both your families, all of both her and your friends, as well as this POS's BW.


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## FormerSelf

Tangodown said:


> I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


You did the right thing.

The larger hope is that she will maturely admit to herself that she was playing with fire when she didn't say NO to this POS...and humbly try to reconcile this.

All I have to say is don't give b.s. any QUARTER! Excuses or deflections or blameshifting is not an appropriate form of communication. The only thing you need to hear at this stage is what she plans to do to have ZERO CONTACT with POS...and what you will do TOGETHER to avoid any bear traps like this in the future. I truly hope this will turn around for you, but the best thing you have done for the situation is to stand your ground the way you did.

You got all of our respect just now...so we know she is learning to respect you too.


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## Dyokemm

"If she was open with the phone on one night, then turned off her iPhone for an hour the next day and then had the phone on lockdown that night, you have a very strong clue the affair became physical that day during the iPhone blackout."

Unfortunately, I think that you are right.

This is now something he needs to worry about and look into.

Her reaction to his questioning seems to suggest this is already more serious than initially thought as well.


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## Dredd

Tangodown said:


> Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no.
> 
> I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.
> 
> I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


You are fully within your rights to throw her out. But don't cut your nose off to spite your face. If reconciliation can be had, pursue it. Seek communication, ask her questions. What is she lacking in your relationship that makes her feel like she needs to go elsewhere? If a PA hasn't started yet, then there is still hope.


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## carpenoctem

wranglerman said:


> Only mistake so far, not exposing to POSOMs BW at the same time as throwing her out, by doing that and calling his boss at the radio station he suddenly becomes preoccupied with saving his marriage and his job and will throw your WW under a bus to save himself, then suddenly she gets the s4!t end of the stick and shut out in the cold on both sides, only then does reality hit home!
> 
> *sorry you are here man, I know all about WW and what can happen at the gym *
> 
> .



Coming from YOU, Wrangleman, that has an altogether scary resonance.



Tangodown:

As everyone is telling you: *Preempt aggressively, and drive a wedge between dumbbelle and gymboy before they get superglued with dopamine and whatever else pumps up once the PA begins / becomes regular.*

Act with more assertiveness than she (your wife) expects (judging by her behavioral assessment of you), and deliver the OM more repercussions than he anticipates (exposure to his wife & on other social fora, complaint to gym management, etc). As you have been told by many.

You perhaps have a chance to stem this before it's far too late, unlike many others here.

*Please don't underestimate how fortunate that was** (that you found out early enough - presuming that you DID find out early enough). **Just look around here (TAM).*


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## Fordsvt

I agree with the others, You need to shut the down pronto.
This guy is disrespecting you and so is your wife. I would stop it before it becomes a PA.


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## tom67

To really kill the affair tell the dooshes wife for the icing on the cake.


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## manfromlamancha

I am truly sorry to have you here. As I was reading your thread my initial reaction was to say shut this down immediately, but when I got to the end I found that you had already done something about it which is good.

I have a few questions:


How old are the two of you and the POSOM?

How long have you been married? Previous marriages? Kids?

How has your relationship been up till now? Any previous cheating incidents on either side? Sex life/frequency/quality?

Does your wife normally lie to you/keep important stuff from you?

What kind of shape are you in? High sex rank?

What do you do for a living? Are you successful?
The reason I am asking all this is to try and understand was this out of the blue? Blind-sided? Out-of-character?

As for the POSOM, rain hellfire on him! Expose to his wife, employers, the gym etc. Cheaterville will be very bad for him if he thinks he is a rising celebrity. Tell him to keep the f**k away from your wife (and anybody else's wife for that matter)! He cannot (legally) use his broadcast to attack you or defend himself on this matter (unless the station clears it).

As for your wife - I can say more when you have answered the questions above, but, as EI has said, he can never be her client and maybe, one of them has to leave the gym. Then starts the real work!

I know this is hard for you but if you respond, we can help.


----------



## ing

expose. do it now.


----------



## Dredd

tom67 said:


> To really kill the affair tell the dooshes wife for the icing on the cake.


I'm not sure thats a good idea. Destroying his marriage will not repair yours. Fixing your marriage is your priority. 

Telling the OM's wife might just unleash him. The fact that he's married holds him back, and places demands on his time away from your wife. And if your wife actually cares for him, it might drive a wedge between you two, while pulling them closer together. Your wife and the OM both finding consolation with each other from their "mean and possessive spouses" if you follow where I'm going.

So, concentrate on separating the two of them, and repairing your relationship with your wife.


----------



## carpenoctem

That is a possibility:

But then again, if exposed to the OMW, it can go many ways, depending on the respective dynamics of their marriages:

Scenario 1)
He exposes to the OMW. The OM is unleashed. He (the BH) has already precipitated the issue with his wife, so she is unleashed too. Both (She and the OM) get the opportunity to walk out of their respective marriages, and get together.

Scenario 2)
He has already precipitated the issue with his wife. If she still values the marriage, she gets a chance to revive it. He exposes to the OMW, she precipitates it with her husband (the OM), and gives him a chance to revive their marriage if he still values it. Both (WW and OM) try to revive their respective marriages, effectively corking the affair.

Scenario 3)
One of them (WW/OM) walks out of his / her marriage, but still the affair ends(?), because the other reconciles and revives his / her marriage.

And there are many more scenarios, on TAM itself: BH and the OMW (BW) get together, and so on.




One more factor in favour of exposure to OW is: She also is a Betrayed Spouse, and has a right to know. It somewhere is incumbent upon the BH to tell the OMW, because it is his wife that has damaged the integrity of the OMW's marriage. Plus, often, the OMW becomes a valuable ally of the BH in thwarting the affair and giving their existent marriages a second chance.

Besides, most BSs feel the OM essentially deserves comeuppance too, for participation.


----------



## Dyokemm

"I'm not sure thats a good idea. Destroying his marriage will not repair yours. Fixing your marriage is your priority."

The best way to end an A and protect your M is to expose to the other BS.

You CANNOT fix a M while an A in ongoing.

Giving POS the consequence of having to work on saving his own a**/M is the best way to keep him away from a WW.

Leave him untouched, and he'll be there to commiserate with and comfort your WW about how mean, jealous, and controlling you are being.

It's that simple.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Tangodown said:


> He's a client now. She trains him once a week. But he started telling her that he's been fighting with his wife etc. I know this is all inappropriate. I find it odd that she does not. I would tell her but like I said I want to see where this is going. Because at the end of the day I don't believe the marriage is worth saving if she has to set what should be obvious boundaries. She's an adult and can make her own choices.
> 
> 
> ETA she's texting him way more than she's texting me. Additionally, if I use the find my phone app it ashtrays works unless she says she's at the gym. Then it miraculously doesn't work for an hour or so. Which indicates to me that it's off.
> 
> I guess I'm just checking to see if I'm overacting or if I should legit be concerned.


You are not overreacting, this is a full blown EA, and the upped sex indicates her intentions with him. When the sex changes it will be because she is having sex with him...PA in the make also is my conclusion.

Red Alert is the situation.


----------



## See_Listen_Love

Tangodown said:


> But should I gather mote concrete evidence before going that route or just blow it wide open now?
> 
> Sorry for typos. Swype is not serving me well today.


Yes, you need to know exactly where you stand with her. An EA is cheating, and that's what this is. A cheater lies to you, even in the face of real evidence in your eyes, they find way's to explain things and make you look like a controlling freak. Finally you will be the one blamed for the affair!

So use a VAR, monitor their communciation, don't give anymore clues that you are on top of this.

The better the weight of the confrontation will come down on her the better are your chances. If your are sure based on evidence they have not yet been physical, then let all loose on her. And inform everybody, around her and around him.

Otherwise.....he will be not the last client she will be having an affair with. And your life will be hell.

-----

Edit: I am late I see, sorry. Did not expect things to go this fast.

But now you have the problem that if she comes back you will not know the truth....prepare in that case for being trickle truthed many times.


----------



## TheFlood117

@tango, good job standing up for yourself, now expose this too POS wife, and tell your and you wife's family. You cannot nice your way out her affair. You've been decisive and strong so far, now finish. You scored a hottie once, you can do it again. And again. And again. And again. Get this attitude about women and things will truly open up for you, your wife needs to see this as well if you hope to rekindle her love and attraction for you. 

You caught this before it went physical, I think. But they would have been bangin' soon if you hadn't intervened. But scrubs like POS and your derpy wife, are pretty silly and they might attempt to take it underground, so make it hard on them. 


Now, for my opinion- 

I say you walk, you laid it all out there and stood up for your marriage and relationship with your wife, and she walked away. She walked away. She didn't just stop and say, "okay, honey I'll block him on my phone and tell the gym I can't have contact with him. And I'll give you my passwords, I'm sorry I did this". 

Nope she chose her ego over you and your family unit. 


Ditch this dis-loyal entitled woman. I think you should see an attorney and file first. But again, just my opinion.


----------



## WhiteRaven

Expose. NOW.


----------



## missthelove2013

decisions decisions
if you wait long enough it will go physical, past the point of no return

if you bust it now, she can just deny deny deny

either way she is on her way to an affair, a physical one...if she will do it once she will do it again...

I would kill it NOW...tell the om's wife what you know, show proof that he is emailing her 300 times a day, that she NOW guards her phone like its god bullion, basically what youve told us

then I would confront, let her know that as far as your concerned she HAD AN AFFAIR, and do the 180...watch her like a hawk for a while, MAKE HER drop this asshat and do no contact, this could be your chance to ensure she never pulls this shat again, set the boundries NOW


----------



## tom67

missthelove2013 said:


> decisions decisions
> if you wait long enough it will go physical, past the point of no return
> 
> if you bust it now, she can just deny deny deny
> 
> either way she is on her way to an affair, a physical one...if she will do it once she will do it again...
> 
> I would kill it NOW...tell the om's wife what you know, show proof that he is emailing her 300 times a day, that she NOW guards her phone like its god bullion, basically what youve told us
> 
> then I would confront, let her know that as far as your concerned she HAD AN AFFAIR, and do the 180...watch her like a hawk for a while, MAKE HER drop this asshat and do no contact, this could be your chance to ensure she never pulls this shat again, set the boundries NOW


If it was the other way around wouldn't you want to know?
Of course you would.
Secrecy feeds an affair.
Blow this up whether you want to r or not.


----------



## azteca1986

Dredd said:


> I'm not sure thats a good idea. Destroying his marriage will not repair yours. Fixing your marriage is your priority.
> 
> Telling the OM's wife might just unleash him. The fact that he's married holds him back, and places demands on his time away from your wife.


I don't agree with any of this. Being worried about what the OM might unleash upon you is just an excuse to live in fear.

Men tend to find the prospect of being brutalised in a divorce distraction to their love life. 

Strategically it is opening up a second front on your enemy. Besides which, letting his wife know of the situation is the right thing to do in every time.


----------



## TroyN

azteca1986 said:


> I don't agree with any of this. Being worried about what the OM might unleash upon you is just an excuse to live in fear.
> 
> Men tend to find the prospect of being brutalised in a divorce distraction to their love life.
> 
> Strategically it is opening up a second front on your enemy. Besides which, letting his wife know of the situation is the right thing to do in every time.



This. Drop the hammer on this scumbag. Your wife may just respect you a little more for having some guts and not taking ANY crap from anyone.


----------



## the guy

So did she pack her bags and leave?

If it was me I would tell the OM to go find a new trainer cuz he crossed the line with *you*. Tell him it is in both our best interest that we leave *our*wives out of this little discussion. 
And if you get any crap from our wife about this talk you will do in kind and discuss ...no show his wife copies of the text he has been sending.

"So in short quitly move on leave my chick alone and you will do the same and his wife will never need to know or see copies of the text you have been sending my wife"

I think you black mail the SOB and use his wife's first name when you talk to OM ...maybe you can even find out were OMW works and threaten the OM that you will stop by her place of work and have a little talk if this gets out of hand.

Again the OM moves on keeps his mouth shut and you will do the same.

So start getting some intel on OMW then go blac mail his butt.

The last thing you need is your old lady giving you sh1t about confront this POS.

Hopefully the OM tells your wife that he needs to find a new trainer and explains that he can't risk his own marriage and never talks to your wife againor some other excuse that doesn't involve the little you had with him.


----------



## weightlifter

OP
When did the find my iphone start going dark?
When did it start to get glued to her hip.

IMHO its at least partly physical. Damn. When I started reading I was hoping to stop it before.

Sorry to have to post this for you. Here is how you go 007:

Your wife is acting funny. Her phone and email suddenly have passwords you don't know. She shuts down phone apps or changes windows on the computer whenever you enter the room. She is suddenly staying out until 2 to 5 in the morning. She has new single friends. She has lost weight and is dressing hotter to boot. Her ex contacted her 3 weeks ago and she wants “to meet to catch up at some public place” Any of this sound familiar? If your wife comes home from an alone time does she immediately change liners, change panties possibly even immediately laundering them?, shower? This can be an after the fact clean up. 

If you are reading this your gut is going crazy. “Relax”, in that there is a high liklihood that you are not crazy at least. “Your gut” is your basic instinct from the caveman period. There is something up with your mate. It is part of your mind built into you and in your DNA. You probably cant sleep. You are losing weight like crazy and are not hungry. Well if you are reading this and that is 90% of you reading this if its your first time... You are embarking on what is probably going to be the worst time of your life.

Chin up, yes I know it is damn near impossible to believe now, but I and the people at TAM here have taken dozens of men through this process. Some reconcile, most dont in the long run so be aware. Most of us hang around this grim grim place for a sense of “pay it forward” and “getting at the truth” Even in divorce, the long run the majority find love again... yes really. Often selecting a far far better future companion. Read poster BFF for a thread of disaster, divorce, recovery, and a new wonderful woman in his life. Younger and hotter, yes, but also one with better boundaries, often a far far better personality match. Oh and they get to go through that first time with her after the first I love you's have been exchanged. Just know, that for the majority, even if the marriage crashes, in six months, a year, maybe two you will wonder how you got so far so fast and how great your new life is. You will also be MUCH MUCH stronger as a person.

So. Here are your instructions. Do this now. I dont mean next week. I mean make something up within the next day and GET IT DONE! Not looking will only prolong your agony.
Rule 1 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 2 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 
Rule 3 for this.
SHUT UP. Eyes open. YOUR mouth closed. confronting only makes them better at hiding. 

NO MORE CONFRONTS!! Play dumb husband for a bit. Dont drive her further underground! Soft confronts with little evidence RARELY WORK AND ONLY MAKE GETTING AT THE TRUTH HARDER!!! THIS PROLONGS YOUR AGONY! 

Buy 2 sony ICDPX312 or ICDPX333 voice activated recorders. Best Buy sells them for like 50 bucks. DO NOT BUY a cheap VAR. SONY SONY SONY. USE LITHIUM batteries. We have examples of 25 hour recordings using them on these sony recorders. My icon here IS a Sony ICDPX312. No I do not have stock in nor work for Sony.

Setup instructions are on page 19. Also good stuff on page 31.
Use 44K bit rate for balancing file size vs quality DO NOT USE 8K!!!!! Simply put. The higher the quality the better the sound and 8K sucks. ALSO. The higher the quality the more you can manipulate the mp3 in Audacity.
Set VOR "on" see page 38
See page 40 for adding memory if necessary
Play with it yourself to get familiar. TEST IT OUT 
Turn off the beep feature. Its on one of the menus. You can even play prevent defense by going to a dollar store, buying uber-cheapie earbuds, cut off the buds but put in the jack which will actually disable the speaker for additional protection.

Go to Walmart and buy heavy duty velcro.
This is one item: Velcro Heavy-Duty Hook and Loop Fastener VEK90117: Office : Walmart.com
also
Purchase VELCRO Hook and Loop Fasteners, Sticky-Back, for less at Walmart.com. Save money. Live better.
The velcro is usually in the fabric section or less often in the aisle with the fasteners like screws. The velcro pack is mostly blue with a yellow top. Clear pack shows the vecro color which is black or white. 

Use the velcro to attach the var under her seat UP INSIDE. SECURE IT WELL!!!!!! So well even a big bump wont knock it off. attach one side HD velcro from Walmart to back. USE BIG PIECE
attach other side HD velcro again UP INSIDE car seat. ATTACH THE CRAP out of it. It needs to stay put going over big potholes or railroad tracks.

Put the second VAR in whatever room she uses to talk in when you are not around. If you are a typical man, use your size advantage to put it someplace she cant reach, even on a chair. Beware spring cleaning season if she does it.

I recommend exporting the sound files to your comp. The recorder is very cumbersome for playback.

Amazon has a pen VAR that can be placed in a purse or other small place to get remote conversations. Yes the pen works.

IMPORTANT warning. If you hear another man and perhaps a little kissing or activity... STOP Listening and have a trusted friend listen and tell you what went on. Knowing she is a cheat will kill you. Hearing her moan while another man is inside her will murder you to your very soul!!!!!! You are not strong enough to hear that. Dont try it. I know what I am talking about in this.

If you need clean up the recordings get Audacity. Its free from the internet. I have used it on var work for others here to remove things like engine noise. If needed, I have done var work for four men here. RDMU is the only one who has released some of the confidentiality. 

Lets be very clear about what the VAR is for and is not for. It will not be court admissible evidence. It is not for the confrontation. IT IS TO GET YOU AHEAD OF THE AFFAIR so you can gain other real evidence by knowing the who and when. NEVER MENTION YOUR VAR EVIDENCE. As far as the cheater is concerned, they were seen by a PI or something NOT your VAR!! 

The ezoom GPS has been found to be easy to buy at Radio shack and useful. There is even a locator webpage you can track with. Amazon sells a semen detection kit called checkmate.

Look for a burner phone. This is a second phone from a prepay service just used for cheating communications. That is often why wives let the husband "see their phone" They don't use their main phone for cheating purposes.

There is an app out there called teensafe. Its for both Iphone and Android. It monitors texts, GPS and facebook. Needs no jailbreak. Not perfect and delayed but no jailbreak required.

Look for apps on her phone like words with friends. It has a non traceable texting feature.
Here is a list 25 Apps to Help You Cheat On Your Girlfriend | Complex

If he uses chrome or firefox, there is probably a list of saved passwords you can look at. Even if his email isn't saved there, people usually only use a couple of different passwords, so one from the list might work. 

For firefox it's Tools -> Options -> Security -> Saved Passwords

For Chrome it's the little box with three bars in the top right -> Settings - Show advanced settings -> Managed saved passwords

If paternity is in doubt, (gredit graywolf2) SNP Microarray: Unlike amniocentesis, a non-invasive prenatal paternity test does not require a needle inserted into the mother’s womb. The SNP microarray procedure uses new technology that involves preserving and analyzing the baby’s DNA found naturally in the mother’s bloodstream. The test is accurate, 99.9%, using a tiny quantity of DNA — as little as found in a single cell. 

Credit john1068 
Is her internet browsers set up to use Google as the default search engine? And does she use a gmail account? If so, she can delete here browser history all she wants, that only deletes the history that is localbin the browser itself...

On ANY computer, navigate to https://google.com/history. Log in using her gmail credentials and you'll have all history right there. Cant be deleted unless your wife logs in this same way...she'd only be deleting Chrome, IE, or Firefox history, not the Google history when deleting within the browser itself. 

There does not appear to be a function within the Android OS that allows the recall of deleted info as is found on IOS. However, even on Android, When a text is deleted, the OS simply "loses" the address to where it is on the memory chip, but it's still there. 

Go to your computer and navigate to Dr. Fone for Android @ Dr.Fone for Android - Android Phone & Tablet Data Recovery SoftwareAndroid Phone Data Recovery.

You can download a trial version if you're operating system is XP/Vista/Win 7/Win 8 all on either 32 or 64 bit.

Download the program to your computer, open it, connect the Android phone to the computer via the micro USB cable and follow the instructions on the Dr. Fone program. You can recover deleted SMS, MMS, photos (yes, this includes SnapChats), vids, and documents.

Not everything is recoverable because the operating system continues to overwrite the data so if you don't recover this data on a regular basis, you may miss some pieces...

But there are also many Android apps that store deleted files and texts, even some that allow you to download and HID the app (ex. ). 

They are also in her Spotlight Search...don't even need to connect to a computer. All deleted texts are still held onto. Type in the contact TELEPHONE number and every text, even the deleted ones, will show up in the search.

IOS 7 from any home screen put your finger in the middle of the screen and swipe downward. Enter the telephone number and start reading the hits.

IOS 6 from the first home screen, swipe left, enter the telephone number and start reading the hits. 

Credit rodphoto 01162014 
After researching the web for countless hours about software to find deleted messages on my wife's iphone I figured out this super easy method.

From the home screen swipe left to right until the spotlight page appears. Its a screen with the key board at bottom and a box at the top that says "search iphone" type your typical search words, anything sexual etc... All past messeges containing the search word will appear on a list, deleted or not. You'll only get the first line but that is usually enough. Just busted my wife again doing this a few days ago!

Rugs: swipe left on your first page of the main menu.

"spotlight search" under settings -> general -> spotlight search has to show "messages" as ticked. 

Right here, right now: Taking screenshots on iOS devices -> hold down home button and press sleep button. The screenshot will be placed under your photo album.

Also there is an app to "stitch" messages like a panoramic photo, but only for iPad. go to app store and search "stitch". Damn it's 4 am. i need to go to bed. 

Note that this applies only to Spotlight Search in IOS 6 and lower. For IOS 7 running on Iphone 4 and 5, put your finger in the middle of any of the home screens and swipe downward. 

Type in the search string you want (telephone number, contact name, keyword, etc) and it will search every instance in the iPhone where that appears. 

You may FIRST want to go into the Settings>General>Spotlight Search and then check or uncheck the areas that you want to search - make certain that "messages" and "mail" are CHECKED or else your search will not look into these areas. The same info is on the spot light on the ipad too ! If the settings isnt checked off, you can find all the same history! 

Credit tacoma 03072014

This Google search history page weightlifter mentioned here doesn't just record the search term it records everything spoken into Google Now by voice command. There is a text read out for everything spoken into the phone through Google Now and since Androids later versions have integrated Google Now right into the OS just about everything spoken into an Android phone is saved at https://google.com/history

Commands to call me, entire voice texts, everything said into the phone is right here. I don't even know how it could be deleted if you wanted to. Considering almost everyone has an Android phone and voice command is becoming more popular this is a nice tool for a BS. It even has every Google Maps/Navigator GPS search saved.


----------



## TroyN

the guy said:


> "So in short quitly move on leave my chick alone and you will do the same and his wife will never need to know or see copies of the text you have been sending my wife"
> 
> I think you black mail the SOB and use his wife's first name when you talk to OM


This. Let him know that you figured him out and that you are several steps ahead of the guy. He sounds like the guy who thinks he's immune to punishment and he's using his faux-celebrity status as a position of faux-power to do bad things. 



the guy said:


> The last thing you need is your old lady giving you sh1t about confront this POS.


This is one time where you *don't* listen to your wife and what she needs. You are looking out for your marriage that is being threatened, and it's time you stand up for it because your wife is not a place of control or clear thinking because this guy is bombing her emotions on the side. 

This where you show the world, and yourself, how much a bad-mofo you are and how you NOBODY is going to tread on you.


----------



## the guy

or you can just go beat his @ss..just make sure you have some one to send you smokes in jail and get a good bailbondsmen.

if you got money you might get a good lawyer that will keep you out of jail for a years and a half. At the very least you can use your wifes phone trick him into coming to your house and beat his @ss in your own home...that might get you 3rd degree asualt and thats a mistermeanor. LOL


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong

You need to tell the OM's wife. 

If you don't, your wife is now free to be with him as his side piece because he isn't being watched... she gets to live the single life and you've made it easy for her. 

If this man's wife finds out, he will go into hiding and probably not be going to that gym anymore. Your wife will be snapped back to reality that she was used for flirting and fun, and that was it.


----------



## lovelygirl

6301 said:


> If it was me, I would shut it down now before it gets so far out of hand that it might be too hard to put the pieces together.
> 
> She's your wife. She is old enough and smart enough to know that this is unacceptable behavior on her part.
> 
> First it starts with him wanting to mention her on his radio show. Next, they exchange numbers and it starts a little at a time. Now 300 texts in 10 days. Now the phone is glued to her hip so what do you think is going to happen if you just sit and wait.
> 
> If it's me, I let her know that this is bull $h!t and it stops now and any more of it and she's going to get a example of what trouble is.
> 
> Next. I call the radio station and let the station manager know that this bum of a DJ is putting the move on your wife.
> 
> Then you let your wife know that if she wants to stay married then she better get a book on how to be a better wife and read it real quick or the next book she reads will be how to be a ex wife and do not let her have any wiggle room. She's an adult and she knows better. Don't play games because you'll lose.


This!


Now, you told her to leave, what happened?
Did she agree?
DId she try to ask forgiveness and promise she would never do that again?

Or she left without any objection?
If it's this, then she's not worth fighting for.


----------



## DailyStruggle

Read your first page, and jumped to the end to post. Fast. Sorry, but your post triggered such that I had to get this to you. 

I gained access to a good part of the text content that led up to my wife's affair. 

Her AP and this guy are working from the same script. 

Follow the advice here, and get this thing nipped in the bud. 
(I took a more assertive approach with the AP than many here advocate, but get it nipped one way or the other). 

Then buy your wife the book "not just friends".


----------



## 6301

Dyokemm said:


> "I'm not sure thats a good idea. Destroying his marriage will not repair yours. Fixing your marriage is your priority."
> 
> The best way to end an A and protect your M is to expose to the other BS.
> 
> You CANNOT fix a M while an A in ongoing.
> 
> Giving POS the consequence of having to work on saving his own a**/M is the best way to keep him away from a WW.
> 
> Leave him untouched, and he'll be there to commiserate with and comfort your WW about how mean, jealous, and controlling you are being.
> 
> It's that simple.


 Your right to a point, but the way I see it is that if your trying to put your marriage back together, then the first thing you have to do is reign in your cheating spouse and if you can do that and the OM/OW is still running free and is off the leash without any consequence, then their still a threat to your marriage.

By informing his/her spouse, then they have their own problem to solve and their too busy covering their own ass and that leaves little or no time for any extra curricular activity with your spouse. All in all, they start to worry about their own problem with a really pissed off spouse. 

I don't think there can be much worse than being in a house where your no longer welcome and living under the same roof with a betrayed spouse.


----------



## DailyStruggle

_By informing his/her spouse, then they have their own problem to solve and their too busy covering their own ass and that leaves little or no time for any extra curricular activity with your spouse. All in all, they start to worry about their own problem with a really pissed off spouse. _


You need to go nuclear. Blow this thing up. 

Regarding the POSOM'S marriage, that is his problem. (Who knows, exposing may be what it takes to save his relationship). 

None of that is your concern. Your concern is saving your marriage.


----------



## z_man

DailyStruggle said:


> _By informing his/her spouse, then they have their own problem to solve and their too busy covering their own ass and that leaves little or no time for any extra curricular activity with your spouse. All in all, they start to worry about their own problem with a really pissed off spouse. _


This is correct. The result you want is for the POSOM's wife to tell him wtf is wrong with you, you will no longer get any more "training" from this woman (your wife) and he ends "training."

Now this eliminates any reason for your wife to contact the POSOM whatsoever. If she does, then you start the Option A/B scenario.


----------



## Ceegee

Tangodown said:


> Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no.
> 
> I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.
> 
> I feel destroyed. *I don't know what I've done.*


You've defended your marriage. 

No regrets.

Continue to keep your cool in future communications.

Seriously consider letting POSOMW know ASAP. Maybe the idiot hasn't deleted their text conversations yet.


----------



## Cubby

lovelygirl said:


> Now, you told her to leave, what happened?
> Did she agree?
> DId she try to ask forgiveness and promise she would never do that again?
> 
> Or she left without any objection?
> If it's this, then she's not worth fighting for.


That's what I'm wondering. Did your wife actually leave? If so, then this thing is deeper than I was thinking. I was thinking EA only, but now it's looking like a PA.


----------



## youkiddingme

Next step, I'd go find the DJ jerk....and let him know that if he ever speaks or texts your wife again you will find him and beat the He.L out of him. Straight up. Not a threat just the facts. 

And let his wife know immediately.


----------



## Ceegee

Dredd said:


> ...The fact that he's married holds him back, and places demands on his time away from your wife....


If this were true Tango wouldn't be here in the first place.


----------



## Thorburn

Tangodown said:


> Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no.
> 
> I kept my cool but told her I knew she wad lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.
> 
> I feel destroyed. I don't know what I've done.


You stood up for the marriage. If anyone destroyed anything it was your wife. You gave her an apportunity to be honest and she lied. Why did she lie? Because she knows that what she is doing is not appropriate.


----------



## tom67

Thorburn said:


> You stood up for the marriage. If anyone destroyed anything it was your wife. You gave her an apportunity to be honest and she lied. Why did she lie? Because she knows that what she is doing is not appropriate.


:iagree:
Expose to close friends and family and ask for their support stay as calm as you can.
Do you even know if this was her first rodeo?
May be just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows but you did the right thing asking her to leave.
Contact her regarding a parenting plan.
DNA the kid in front of her to show what you think of her word.


----------



## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT?

A boundary has been crossed at the instant of the first deception. And that includes any lie of omission as well.

The moment we feel the need to lie or omit information, we have left the path and started to move away from the marriage. 

I always use this as a guide - "How would my wife feel if she was watching this moment, listening to this conversation etc.". If the thought makes you uncomfortable, do a u-turn and get your a$$ back on the path!

It's not hard to know what the right decision is, if we are honest with ourselves. It can be more difficult to MAKE that right decision, so we fire up the rationalizing hamster-wheel . . . But deep down, we know.


----------



## LongWalk

I would call up OMW asap and tell her that you have released your wife from her contract so that she train her husband full time.

But OM on Cheaterville, without your wife's name.

Write something very objective:



> Radio station personality XX is a predator who uses his professional role in the media to groom married women for affairs. He has destroyed the marriage of mother of small children.


Your wife may or may not have had intercourse with him, but it would surprise no one. One obvious point about personal trainers is that that they routinely make contact with clients to demonstrate. This could be professional but quickly open the door to mutual groping. Moreover, this guy as been exposing your wife to his sex hormone charged sweat.

She is going to be in withdrawal from his loss, especially if he has injected her with all the chemicals that Machiavelli described in another thread.

Declaring your marriage dead is a good way to shock your wife. If she comes out of the emotional high of being in love with a hard landing, you may save your marriage.

Keep your talks with her monosyllabic until she really shows major remorse.

Do not initiate sex or hug her. Let her twine herself around you and smother you will tearful kisses for a few days before you open the door.


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong

LongWalk said:


> I would call up OMW asap and tell her that you have released your wife from her contract so that she train her husband full time.
> 
> But OM on Cheaterville, without your wife's name.
> 
> Write something very objective:
> 
> 
> 
> Your wife may or may not have had intercourse with him, but it would surprise no one. One obvious point about personal trainers is that that they routinely make contact with clients to demonstrate. This could be professional but quickly open the door to mutual groping. Moreover, this guy as been exposing your wife to his sex hormone charged sweat.
> 
> She is going to be in withdrawal from his loss, especially if he has injected her with all the chemicals that Machiavelli described in another thread.
> 
> Declaring your marriage dead is a good way to shock your wife. If she comes out of the emotional high of being in love with a hard landing, you may save your marriage.
> 
> Keep your talks with her monosyllabic until she really shows major remorse.
> 
> Do not initiate sex or hug her. Let her twine herself around you and smother you will tearful kisses for a few days before you open the door.


If he is dirtbag enough to be put on Cheaterville, she should too...her boundaries in my opinion are way worse than his. She does this for a living and should be used to this and know how to disregard and brush it off. If this was my wife I'd be pissed at her. She's hot (so the OP says)...so many guys are going to hit on her all the time...she is the one who let THIS GUY go too far.


----------



## drifting on

Tangodown
Expose. Was difficult for me to do but worked beautifully. His wife still refuses to speak to me but she monitored him 24/7. Best PI I never hired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SongoftheSouth

Tango this guy is openly hitting on you wife and you know about it- F'ng do something about it with him. She is a trainer so I am assuming you are in good shape too. You have his number. Call it - threaten to beat his face in. Find out where he lives, works etc. show up and challenge him!! Bet he turns yellow faster than a street light when you are late for work. Not the first time you were ever in a fight right??? 300 texts in 10 days him telling her I miss you!! Damn I wish I could go there and nail him for you!!! After you do this tell your wife (very loudly) exactly why you did it and if it ever happens again she can leave for good. Then go to see this dudes wife at their home and tell her exactly why you kicked his a$$ or threatened to do it. Otherwise this is gong to happen again, and again and again - wash, rinse repeat. I know you told her to pack up but I would have done this first. Hope it works out for you man.


----------



## Ceegee

Tango, check in with us. 

Let us know you're ok. 

Almost everyone of us have been where you are right now. We know exactly what you are feeling. 

Let us know what's going on so we can help.


----------



## BetrayedDad

Tangodown said:


> But he started telling her that he's been fighting with his wife etc. I know this is all inappropriate. I find it odd that she does not. I would tell her but like I said I want to see where this is going.


My ex used to LOVE playing the stupid, naïve, clueless girl role. It's a complete ACT. You think it's odd because it is! Trust your gut, no one is that oblivious, including her. She KNOWS exactly where this is going and what he wants. You don't have to wait for the train wreck. It's coming unless you make it crystal clear that this ends TODAY (that includes submitting her resignation to the gym effective tomorrow) AND no contact with DJ Dovchebag EVER AGAIN. If she does not agree to both items immediately, have her served D papers at the gym. Maybe that will smack some sense into her if it's not too late. Tell her you also plan on breaking the story to the local news paper.



Tangodown said:


> Because at the end of the day I don't believe the marriage is worth saving if she has to set what should be obvious boundaries. She's an adult and can make her own choices.


I WISH more people on this forum UNDERSTOOD that concept.

Good for you for being so clear headed. You are 100% correct. You're not the vagina police. Especially if she's half as hot as you describe then deflecting losers like this should be routine for her and if it's not than you deserve better than a women with loose boundaries whose on the prowl to cheat on you. It might not be her fault she gets hit on but it is her fault for not nipping it in the bud.


----------



## tom67

Ceegee said:


> Tango, check in with us.
> 
> Let us know you're ok.
> 
> Almost everyone of us have been where you are right now. We know exactly what you are feeling.
> 
> Let us know what's going on so we can help.


Tango you are probably in a dark place right now second guessing yourself, that's normal. You did the right thing.
Come back here and vent.


----------



## tom67

Tango maybe some family members can talk some sense into her.
I mean she only started this job a few weeks ago?:scratchhead:
Unreal.
Please if you are still reading expose it's the only shot you have though I don't know if I would want a person like this back.


----------



## Dyokemm

"If this were true Tango wouldn't be here in the first place."

I agree with you 100%.

Based on Dredd's logic on this point, it would be impossible for two married people to EVER have an A because they are too busy with their spouses.

I guess all the threads on TAM with this situation are fan fiction based on an infidelity theme.


----------



## Machiavelli

Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong

Machiavelli said:


> Ladies and Gentlemen, Elvis has left the building.


He told his wife to leave, he's in the middle of the biggest crisis his marriage has faced, I am guessing checking in here isn't on the top of his priority list right now.


----------



## Ceegee

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> He told his wife to leave, he's in the middle of the biggest crisis his marriage has faced, I am guessing checking in here isn't on the top of his priority list right now.


Should be.


----------



## Machiavelli

If he's like most CWI hit and runs, he's busy trying to take it all back. Let's hope not, for his sake.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Machiavelli said:


> If he's like most CWI hit and runs, he's busy trying to take it all back. Let's hope not, for his sake.


OR, it could be the case like the "BS" that found the Victoria Secret card his wife had hidden.

Brings the thread to a fast building peak then... No posts for a day, or so.

We start posting all these supporting things. They post a day, or two later to say that the backed down. We start rooting for and egging him/her on. And so on, and so forth...


----------



## Welsh15

Tangodown said:


> But should I gather mote concrete evidence before going that route or just blow it wide open now?
> 
> Sorry for typos. Swype is not serving me well today.


Install Teensafe on her iphone and you will be able to read and store all of the texts. You of course will need her itunes account and password. You can then check the texts and imessages from your computer


----------



## FormerSelf

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> OR, it could be the case like the "BS" that found the Victoria Secret card his wife had hidden.
> 
> Brings the thread to a fast building peak then... No posts for a day, or so.
> 
> We start posting all these supporting things. They post a day, or two later to say that the backed down. We start rooting for and egging him/her on. And so on, and so forth...


It does seem to fit the climactic pattern. The query, the support, the rise, the climax...no denouement. Left hangin'.

If this is actual/factual, then my best to OP.


----------



## happyman64

While I am glad the OP called her out and then told her to pack her bags I wonder why he did not wait until she was in the gym with the OM?????

Because that type of confrontation in her work environment would have made a much larger impact.

And I highly doubt it would have escalated into a confrontation...

HM


----------



## nuclearnightmare

lovelygirl said:


> This!
> 
> 
> Now, you told her to leave, what happened?
> Did she agree?
> DId she try to ask forgiveness and promise she would never do that again?
> 
> Or she left without any objection?
> If it's this, then she's not worth fighting for.


:iagree:
She's not worth the effort. Tell her you don't want to be married to a hore.


----------



## Tangodown

First of all, thank you all very much for the advice and input. I'm on my computer now so typos should be kept to a minimum.

I apologize for the apparent "ghosting" that occurred, but, as any one who has been through this before can relate to, my priorities have been focused elsewhere.

Here's the update for those that are interested: After I confronted her about the lying, and subsequently told her to pack her S*** and leave, we had a very long talk. Initially, she told me that while she was sorry, she was almost relieved because she thought we could use the separation because she felt we had drifted apart over the years and continued to argue about the same crap ad nauseaum. 

She told me that it was "nice" to receive compliments from another guy, and that she enjoyed the attention. She said that she did feel bad about hiding her phone, and deleting the texts, because she said it felt like she was cheating on me. When I told her that at the very least that it could be construed as an emotional affair, she said she'd never heard of that term and that I must have made it up (lol).

She said that she became "overwhelmed" with what he was texting and didn't know how to respond to his texts/advances. I called her out on this and told her that she has had no problem calling me out on perceived deficiencies in the past and I saw no reason why she would not be able to do the same with someone else.

She remained adamant that separation was the best course of action; I told her that there would be no separation, if she wanted out, we were done, period. It wasn't until I brought up taking our daughter to school together that she finally started showing a glimpse of emotional reaction and said that she didn't want to get divorced. That she didn't want to split the family apart.

I even went as far as telling her to start deciding what items in the house she wanted, and that I didn't care what she claimed. I told her that I would make the process as painless as possible for the sake of our daughter. I meant that, too.

Eventually, after about an hour of talking, she decided to sit on my lap and sex her way out of what she had done (at least, that is my interpretation). 

The past few days have been much better, so to speak. She's attentive, lets me check her phone, etc. I have access to her FB so unless she is deleting conversations before I can access them she hasn't been communicating with him. However, because of my job, I can't confirm this. Additionally, again, the Iphone is off for a an hour or so during certain times of the day. Also, while the texts from the OM haven't ceased, they have decreased exponentially in frequency, although she denies having said anything to the OM. 

I am still of the mindset of letting her either carry this on or cut it off on her own; because, again, I don't really feel like I should have to reel her back in due to her transgressions; if she is going to wander, then good for her, I'll move on.

And for those that asked, yes, I am in excellent shape, 6'2", 230, 13% BF; sex rank is not an issue here.

And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born.

Thank you again for all of your input, I feel blessed to have a resource online to talk about this stuff with.

TD


----------



## GusPolinski

Tangodown said:


> First of all, thank you all very much for the advice and input. I'm on my computer now so typos should be kept to a minimum.
> 
> I apologize for the apparent "ghosting" that occurred, but, as any one who has been through this before can relate to, my priorities have been focused elsewhere.
> 
> Here's the update for those that are interested: After I confronted her about the lying, and subsequently told her to pack her S*** and leave, we had a very long talk. Initially, she told me that while she was sorry, she was almost relieved because she thought we could use the separation because she felt we had drifted apart over the years and continued to argue about the same crap ad nauseaum.
> 
> She told me that it was "nice" to receive compliments from another guy, and that she enjoyed the attention. She said that she did feel bad about hiding her phone, and deleting the texts, because she said it felt like she was cheating on me. When I told her that at the very least that it could be construed as an emotional affair, she said she'd never heard of that term and that I must have made it up (lol).
> 
> She said that she became "overwhelmed" with what he was texting and didn't know how to respond to his texts/advances. I called her out on this and told her that she has had no problem calling me out on perceived deficiencies in the past and I saw no reason why she would not be able to do the same with someone else.
> 
> She remained adamant that separation was the best course of action; I told her that there would be no separation, if she wanted out, we were done, period. It wasn't until I brought up taking our daughter to school together that she finally started showing a glimpse of emotional reaction and said that she didn't want to get divorced. That she didn't want to split the family apart.
> 
> I even went as far as telling her to start deciding what items in the house she wanted, and that I didn't care what she claimed. I told her that I would make the process as painless as possible for the sake of our daughter. I meant that, too.
> 
> Eventually, after about an hour of talking, she decided to sit on my lap and sex her way out of what she had done (at least, that is my interpretation).
> 
> The past few days have been much better, so to speak. She's attentive, lets me check her phone, etc. I have access to her FB so unless she is deleting conversations before I can access them she hasn't been communicating with him. However, because of my job, I can't confirm this. Additionally, again, the Iphone is off for a an hour or so during certain times of the day. Also, while the texts from the OM haven't ceased, they have decreased exponentially in frequency, although she denies having said anything to the OM.
> 
> I am still of the mindset of letting her either carry this on or cut it off on her own; because, again, I don't really feel like I should have to reel her back in due to her transgressions; if she is going to wander, then good for her, I'll move on.
> 
> And for those that asked, yes, I am in excellent shape, 6'2", 230, 13% BF; sex rank is not an issue here.
> 
> And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born.
> 
> Thank you again for all of your input, I feel blessed to have a resource online to talk about this stuff with.
> 
> TD


OM needs to be gone. No more training, no more texting, no more anything.


----------



## Machiavelli

Tangodown said:


> She remained adamant that separation was the best course of action;


Separation is all about getting some time away from you for easier hook ups with OM.



Tangodown said:


> I told her that there would be no separation, if she wanted out, we were done, period. It wasn't until I brought up taking our daughter to school together that she finally started showing a glimpse of emotional reaction and said that she didn't want to get divorced. That she didn't want to split the family apart.


You have to be willing to burn the village in order to save it. Good job.



Tangodown said:


> Eventually, after about an hour of talking, she decided to sit on my lap and sex her way out of what she had done (at least, that is my interpretation).


She probably thought she was throwing up a smoke screen.



Tangodown said:


> Additionally, again, the Iphone is off for a an hour or so during certain times of the day.


That's not good at all.




Tangodown said:


> I am still of the mindset of letting her either carry this on or cut it off on her own; because, again, I don't really feel like I should have to reel her back in due to her transgressions; if she is going to wander, then good for her, I'll move on.


That's the correct attitude. No matter what happens, it's a win/win for you. 



Tangodown said:


> And for those that asked, yes, I am in excellent shape, 6'2", 230, 13% BF; sex rank is not an issue here.


Good. Does she ever get to watch you interact with women? It's good for a wife to know she can be quickly replaced with younger, hotter women, and she needs to reach that conclusion without you pointing it out.



Tangodown said:


> And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born.


Don't tip her off about the fact you know she's switching her phone off. Is it always the same time?

Time for a PI.


----------



## Chaparral

The affair is still on. As long as they are contacting each other and he is still coming to the gym, its still an affair.

Biggest red flag of all, she has cheated before. The one golden rule here is if they admit to seeing some one they really kissed and made out. If they admit a kiss, they had sex. If they admit sex one time, it was many times etc.

So, imho, this is her second affair. She is more than likely a serial cheater. That's extremely bad. Research that.

Get her the book " Not Just Friends" linked to below.

Since you have access to her iphone, synch it to itunes , get the teensafe program and get the deleted texts.

If they stay in contact, you may as well divorce now.


----------



## Chaparral

You didn't reply for so long, I hoped things had worked out. Actually this is very bad news. Having been here a while, I can tell you your current plan has virtually no chance. Sorry.


----------



## Dyokemm

Tango,

Mach and Chap are right.

This is still a dangerous situation for your M.

He needs to be gone ASAP.

The phone off is a giant red flag, especially with the continued contact.

The decrease is probably because she has told him you are on to them.

Blow this up right now.

EXPOSE the A to POS's BW.

Do not tell your WW you are going to do this.

If she begins an angry confrontation with you, it is blatant evidence that the A both went underground and is much more serious than she has indicated to you.


----------



## carpenoctem

Tango:

To reiterate the *likelihoods* of the situation
*/ WS lingo translations:* (your WS):

*Separation = trial & error sex & bonding with OM. Testing him out as an alternative to you* / testing her own capacity to live single, with him on the wings.

*Iphone off = quickie on* (sexual / emotional).

*Innocent kiss = undetected affair. *That ‘innocent kiss’ with some other man in the past – you didn’t ask where (she was kissed), did you?



The fact that she was really adamant about separation after being called out, and consented to stay back only after being given a choice between divorce and staying back, augurs very bad.

It indicates that *she has already reached a place in her gravitation towards the OM where she is ready to risk a separation to test / taste that extramarital possibility.*

My gut feeling is: *she will still push this, taking all the risks it entails, and try to see whether what she could have with the OM is better.*

(It is also likely that they are already deeper in it than it appears, and now have taken it underground).


In all these, whether she should risk her stable home / family, whether the OM will leave HIS family for her in return, etc., may not factor in. *In her mind, he WILL leave his wife for her – how could he not, she being so desirable and all that (as he presumably says in his texts)?*


*Please consider a shock & awe exposure*, in order to bust the affair's secret charm -- and be prepared for some unexpected repercussions of it too, if any.

I am sorry that you are here. Best of luck.


----------



## BobSimmons

Tangodown said:


> And for those that asked, yes, I am in excellent shape, 6'2", 230, 13% BF; sex rank is not an issue here.
> 
> TD


This jumped out at me. Sex rank is not an issue but you were drifting apart enough for your wife to start texting (and god knows what else) another man inappropriately?

You say she has no problem calling you out on your deficiencies?

You put the hammer down but she shuts you up by giving you sex?

Still switches off her phone and still goes to the same gym with OM.

Resentment is an issue and it's not sex rank that's an issue. It's rank period.

You're her husband. 
The man whose sh*t smells after he uses the bathroom. 
The man whose little foibles over time irritate her to the point she has no problem telling you what's what.

He's a minor celebrity, blowing smoke up her a$s, enough smoke for her to lie, text inappropriately and when she was confronted you didn't go after HIM. So now he's been warned, he still texts her albeit the numbers are down because he proverbially p*ssed all over your rank like a dog that claimed his territory.

He claimed your wife! She may have shot him a text saying please don't text my husband knows, did that stop him? No.

She allows it because he has higher rank. After all her husband found out and didn't claim her back from OM by confronting HIM!

Why is she still going to the gym?
Why are they still texting each other at all!
Why haven't you stopped all this nonsense at the source?

Sorry for the 2x4. It's well intentioned and you've done well by calling her out (even though you may have driven it underground)

You focus on overall rank and the sex, the respect will all follow hand in hand, which means you blow this out of the water.
She shows remorse and she deletes his number off her phone, and cedes her passwords to you.

Oh and she quits that flipping gym.


----------



## TheFlood117

I still say divorce and put her the rear-view mirror. 

Your a young guy, in shape, relatively successful, you have good morals-unlike her. Why waste time on trying to change an adult. You can't change women. Period. They are what they are. 

Sometimes a man, you gotta ask himself. 


Is the juice worth the squeeze? 

Again, how you handled this was really good. You stood up for your marriage. And she walked away. 

When people show you who they truly are. 


Believe them. 


Good luck.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Tango, is she still training him? If so, it is still bad and should stop.

Whatever she says or you two have agreed to, you need to blow up the POSOM's world big time! Expose him now - to his wife, employers, the gym, friends, family. You have to make him see and feel the repercussions of what he did and is still doing. Put him on Cheaterville (the facts only). PM us the link and we will drive the count up.

As for your wife, I am sorry to say this but the others are right - she sounds and behaves like a regular, non-remorseful, lying cheater. Her kiss was probably more and this affair doesn't sound like it's over. She was only sorry that she got caught. You need to investigate further in stealth mode. Don't stay just because of your kid. Don't let this pass and when you have your confirmation go straight for divorce. Then you will see if she really gets it, owns it and wants to stay.


----------



## weightlifter

ezoom the car and get one of those mini gps for her purse. inside the lining.


----------



## Chaparral

I think Tango is in denial. I think he thinks he has this under control. I think he thinks we are over reacting.

I'm sure he hasn't read many threads here and conected the dots.

Her wanting to separate tells the whole story. She wanted to see if she could move up. Now she will have to watch her step.

Evidently, all she has to do is, well..................nothing.


----------



## Jambri

>>She remained adamant that separation was the best course of action<<

So after being confronted THIS is her response?

Of course she wants a trial separation. That way she can keep you safely on the shelf while she test drives this other guy to see if he can be your successor. Unbelievable.

With a response like that from her I would have already started divorce proceedings. I don't believe she has any intentions of stopping anything, just hiding it better. Sorry to see this happening to you...


----------



## GusPolinski

Tangodown said:


> And for those interested *she has cheated before*, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and *she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born*.


*cough* DNA your kid


----------



## the guy

What the hell do you mean she hasn't told he OM about the confrontation?
The both of you must sit down and write a NC letter.

Your old lady crossed a line and instead of consequence she gets a phucking reward and gets some penis.....WTF!!!

You do understand why she's back to the SOS don't you?

Why wasn't she taught a lesson the first time around?

Do you think this will be the last time.

Dude this affair crap is addicting for your old lady and she hasn't done a dam thing about it. She can get help but why...hell your setting her up to fail this marriage by not acting and getting her the help she needs so she can affair proof the marriage.

You just can't confront this and then it all done. There is more heavy lifting to do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

Unlike what you think, your sex rank IS a problem. She *doesn't *think you're irreplaceable and she can easily stray from you without thinking twice.
She doesn't have to fight to keep you, actually she's fighting to keep the OM by going underground now. 

Some say you did a good job, but I totally disagree. You didn't do enough, otherwise should wouldn't be keeping in touch with OM now.


----------



## the guy

At the very least I hope you spanked her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

Dyokemm said:


> Tangp,
> 
> Mach and Chap are right.
> 
> This is still a dangerous situation for your M.
> 
> He needs to be gone ASAP.
> 
> *The phone off is a giant red flag, especially with the continued contact.
> 
> The decrease is probably because she has told him you are on to them.
> 
> Blow this up right now.
> 
> EXPOSE the A to POS's BW.
> *
> Do not tell your WW you are going to do this.
> 
> If she begins an angry confrontation with you, it is blatant evidence that the A both went underground and is much more serious than she has indicated to you.


Yes to all of this.. except you must implemente every snooping tool before any move. You must know - if possible - the real extent of this in advance and you must be in the position to monitor the aftermath of exposure.
They already are conocting stories but chances are they will throw each other under the bus when the sh1t hit the fun.

ETA
I wanted to tell you have improved in your behavior and mindset. Don't get discoraged due the response you got here. It's you must keep going in the right direction you already toke.


----------



## the guy

That's the thing....sh!t never really hit the fan. Granted it was a mild confrontation but nothing substantial was set in place to stop the affair.

Again more rewards then consequences!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral

By the way, letting another man chat up your wife and then keep chatting her up after you figure out what is going on pretty much takes your sex rank into the minus column.

Get the mmslp book. It totally explains why she is looking around.

Don't know what you are thinking but if you haven't come to the conclusion he has made you his b!tch, you need to keep thinking.


----------



## PhillyGuy13

She needs to go absolutely 100% zero contact with the OM. No training, No texting, no anything. Sorry sir here is the refund. Golds gym down the road has excellent trainers. This is non negotiable, or else finish getting her bags packed.

Expose to the man's wife now, as it's been recommended here. 

Is the phone off at the same time each day? Follow her at that time. Rent a car don't take your own.

So she cheated "just a kiss" right around when your daughter was born? Then she has a track record of PA. A kiss is code for sex in a lot of cases.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhiteRaven

I think a poly is required here.


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## BWBill

_And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born._

DNA test the kid. Sounds like your just her meal ticket.


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## nuclearnightmare

OP

I stand by what I said earlier (and what FLOOD117 has said a couple times). She is not worth your effort, unless it is an effort to jettison her in most efficient way possible. She sounds very manipulative and self-centered. If you're looking for genuine love, consult with a lawyer ASAP. The woman you're with can't offer it IMO.


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## walkonmars

You are making a big mistake in taking her at her word that it is over. The proof is that she's turning off her phone. You can bet the DJ is well versed in all the apps that can can be used to avoid being seen on bills etc. 

If you intend to keep her as your wife she has to look to a different career. She's proven, at least twice that she is fairly easy to chat-up by the right person (read:a man). 

Oh, and the "one kiss" has usually turned out to be "oral" at the very least often enough that it's not likely the kind of "kiss" you envisioned when she admitted it.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

You just know that the OP is doing this,








And this.


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## turnera

You did well. Confronting her, telling her to get out or choose you. Now comes the hard work. But first, there's one more thing you need to do: go to his radio station and talk to the station manager. Tell him that his POS DJ is pursuing your wife and if he doesn't rein his dog in, his radio station is going to find itself in a lawsuit.


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## Machiavelli

WhiteRaven said:


> I think a poly is required here.


No kids, right? Poly cuts to the chase.


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## Mostlycontent

Tangodown said:


> First of all, thank you all very much for the advice and input. I'm on my computer now so typos should be kept to a minimum.
> 
> I apologize for the apparent "ghosting" that occurred, but, as any one who has been through this before can relate to, my priorities have been focused elsewhere.
> 
> *And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born.
> *
> 
> TD


If I may ask, Tango, how did you find out about this previous guy? Did you ask her about it or confront her in some way or did she just confess out of the blue and volunteer that information? Given this recent situation, I'm guessing that you found out about it, asked some questions and got a confession out of her. Is that correct?


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## tom67

Machiavelli said:


> No kids, right? Poly cuts to the chase.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
Please for your sanity do not rug sweep.
You have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.

This really applies in your case.


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## The Middleman

turnera said:


> But first, there's one more thing you need to do: go to his radio station and talk to the station manager. Tell him that his POS DJ is pursuing your wife and if he doesn't rein his dog in, his radio station is going to find itself in a lawsuit.



I don't think the OP had grounds to go after the radio station in court, but he could warn them of the pending bad publicity they might get when the OP exposes the 'affair' on the internet if he tries going after is wife again.

TANGO: like others have said, you did well until you got to this point. You need to continue being an attack dog. Expose the affair. Confront the POSOM. Ask your wife to quit her job and demand total transparency. Most of all, believe everyone when they tell you: This ain't over. There are lots of broken men who have posted here who didn't heed that advice.


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## Pamvhv

She should change her humber and give you all her passcodes. I hope you told the OM's wife.


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## carpenoctem

*Tango:* awaiting an update (in your own time). Hope it has better news.

Checklist compiled from recent posts:

*DNA test – *to rule out paternity fraud (vis a vis her previous affair?). Even if it comes out negative, she’d have the cold water splash of reality that her husband does not trust her unquestionably anymore, which might be a psychological advantage in your current situation. Of course, this involves some expense.

*Reality Check –* Divorce procedures – She should see that you are seriously considering divorce – that you will not accept a separation farce and lurk in limbo while she checks out life with him.

*Cautionary contact* / visit – to the OM’s work place. Revelation to his superiors > colleagues? Just to let the OM know that there will be repercussions. Does this Radio Station have interactive call-in type programmes? Maybe you could play some mischief on it.

*Strategic exposure* – to OM’s wife & family. Later on, Cheaterville?

*Kill the affair. Make it shameful for them. In the long run, whether you divorce or reconcile, this will be in your favour* (arguably – there is also the opinion that if the WS feels too much shame, it will impair the Reconciliation).

Whatever, ACT NOW. Please don’t wait for things to precipitate.


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## LongWalk

VAR

Has she cancelled him as a client?

She has to write an NC.

If OM is married, expose.


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## manfromlamancha

Has the OP left the forum ?


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## Chaparral

manfromlamancha said:


> Has the OP left the forum ?


No


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## happyman64

He will be back.

He is trying "his" way.

Once he fails he will understand and hopefully come back for a plan that will work.


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## Chaparral

He last checked in early yesterday.


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## F-102

To Tangodown, here is what you do:

Find the phone # of the POSOM's wife. 

Then one day, sit your W down, and ask her if she is willing to do anything to save your marriage... and you mean ANYTHING. Of course, she'll say yes.

Then, you call the POSOM's W and tell her that you have very important info about her H and to please stay on the line. Then look your W in the eye and say: "How you handle the phone conversation that you are about to have will determine the future of our marriage. You are going to confess EVERYTHING to the POSOM's W. I will quietly put this on speaker phone. You will not tell her that I am listening. You will not try to talk to the POSOM. You will beg for her forgiveness, and you will take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. If you refuse to talk to her, I will divorce you. If you try to give her lame excuses, I will divorce you. If you try to blame this on her or on me, I will divorce you. If you try to talk to him, even just to say goodbye one last time, I will divorce you. If he tries to get on the phone and talk to you, you will hand the phone over to me. If you let him say ONE WORD to you, and you do not hand the phone over to me IMMEDIATELY, I will divorce you. Again, how you handle this will determine the future of our marriage."

Once more, ask the POSOM's W if she is still on the line, and hand the phone to your W.

Then you will see how remorseful she really is.


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## Singledude21

I like how when he busts her ass, the first thing she comes to acceptance with is how separation might be necessary and pretty serious about it. Gee, I wonder why that is. OP has everything he needs to know, and where he stands with her.


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## Mostlycontent

F-102 said:


> To Tangodown, here is what you do:
> 
> Find the phone # of the POSOM's wife.
> 
> Then one day, sit your W down, and ask her if she is willing to do anything to save your marriage... and you mean ANYTHING. Of course, she'll say yes.
> 
> Then, you call the POSOM's W and tell her that you have very important info about her H and to please stay on the line. Then look your W in the eye and say: "How you handle the phone conversation that you are about to have will determine the future of our marriage. You are going to confess EVERYTHING to the POSOM's W. I will quietly put this on speaker phone. You will not tell her that I am listening. You will not try to talk to the POSOM. You will beg for her forgiveness, and you will take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. If you refuse to talk to her, I will divorce you. If you try to give her lame excuses, I will divorce you. If you try to blame this on her or on me, I will divorce you. If you try to talk to him, even just to say goodbye one last time, I will divorce you. If he tries to get on the phone and talk to you, you will hand the phone over to me. If you let him say ONE WORD to you, and you do not hand the phone over to me IMMEDIATELY, I will divorce you. Again, how you handle this will determine the future of our marriage."
> 
> Once more, ask the POSOM's W if she is still on the line, and hand the phone to your W.
> 
> Then you will see how remorseful she really is.


I like this course of action but then again, I'm a guy who'd just plain rather know the truth so I know what I'm dealing with. Given her suggestion of separating once she knew that he was on to her, I'm not sure if you'd get her to "play ball" here but at least you'd have your answer. It's short and sweet and direct. At least there would be no limbo if your pursue this route.


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## The Middleman

F-102 said:


> To Tangodown, here is what you do:
> 
> Find the phone # of the POSOM's wife.
> 
> Then one day, sit your W down, and ask her if she is willing to do anything to save your marriage... and you mean ANYTHING. Of course, she'll say yes.
> 
> Then, you call the POSOM's W and tell her that you have very important info about her H and to please stay on the line. Then look your W in the eye and say: "How you handle the phone conversation that you are about to have will determine the future of our marriage. You are going to confess EVERYTHING to the POSOM's W. I will quietly put this on speaker phone. You will not tell her that I am listening. You will not try to talk to the POSOM. You will beg for her forgiveness, and you will take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. If you refuse to talk to her, I will divorce you. If you try to give her lame excuses, I will divorce you. If you try to blame this on her or on me, I will divorce you. If you try to talk to him, even just to say goodbye one last time, I will divorce you. If he tries to get on the phone and talk to you, you will hand the phone over to me. If you let him say ONE WORD to you, and you do not hand the phone over to me IMMEDIATELY, I will divorce you. Again, how you handle this will determine the future of our marriage."
> 
> Once more, ask the POSOM's W if she is still on the line, and hand the phone to your W.
> 
> Then you will see how remorseful she really is.


I totally agree with you ... but these days, most guys won't have the onions to pull this off.


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## alte Dame

The Middleman said:


> I totally agree with you ... but these days, most guys won't have the onions to pull this off.


And I totally agree with you. I simply don't understand it. So much pain and nonsense could be avoided with some decisive action, some resolve. I find myself telling my son to 'man up.' Me, the mom, the female. Too much of the time, *I'm* the one with the onions. I hope OP figures it out.


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## GusPolinski

F-102 said:


> To Tangodown, here is what you do:
> 
> Find the phone # of the POSOM's wife.
> 
> Then one day, sit your W down, and ask her if she is willing to do anything to save your marriage... and you mean ANYTHING. Of course, she'll say yes.
> 
> Then, you call the POSOM's W and tell her that you have very important info about her H and to please stay on the line. Then look your W in the eye and say: "How you handle the phone conversation that you are about to have will determine the future of our marriage. You are going to confess EVERYTHING to the POSOM's W. I will quietly put this on speaker phone. You will not tell her that I am listening. You will not try to talk to the POSOM. You will beg for her forgiveness, and you will take FULL RESPONSIBILITY for your actions. If you refuse to talk to her, I will divorce you. If you try to give her lame excuses, I will divorce you. If you try to blame this on her or on me, I will divorce you. If you try to talk to him, even just to say goodbye one last time, I will divorce you. If he tries to get on the phone and talk to you, you will hand the phone over to me. If you let him say ONE WORD to you, and you do not hand the phone over to me IMMEDIATELY, I will divorce you. Again, how you handle this will determine the future of our marriage."
> 
> Once more, ask the POSOM's W if she is still on the line, and hand the phone to your W.
> 
> Then you will see how remorseful she really is.


Honestly, why bother? She cheated before and she's cheating now. Call OMW, let her know what's up, then kick WW to the curb.


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## manfromlamancha

How are you doing Tangodown? Haven't heard from you and hope you are well.


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## happyman64

Tango

While you work on the "issues" in your marriage do yourself a favor.

Work on the OM. Embarrass him if he is a public figure.

Contact his wife and show her the texts he sent your wife.

Never tell your wife this because it will be evident if they are still in contact.

Stay tough and firm on your boundaries with your wife.

HM


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## manticore

Is sad when they don't listen to what it could have prevented an EA for turning in to full blown affair, and then come saying we were right.


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## manfromlamancha

manticore said:


> Is sad when they don't listen to what it could have prevented an EA for turning in to full blown affair, and then come saying we were right.


You reckon its gone full blown affair by now ?

I was hoping maybe that Tangodown had nipped in the bud in time.

Tangodown, do let us know how this has worked out - maybe, just maybe we can help ?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

manfromlamancha said:


> You reckon its gone full blown affair by now ?
> 
> *I was hoping maybe that Tangodown had nipped in the bud in time.*
> 
> Tangodown, do let us know how this has worked out - maybe, just maybe we can help ?


That's doubtful. If this had happened I'm guessing that he would have posted it here.

I figure that he has done and is doing things that he knows would go against what most here have suggested.

If so, he, like many before him, will have to learn the hard way.


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## manfromlamancha

Here is a quick summary (from Tangodowns posts) of what happened.


A few weeks ago, my wife started a new job at a new gym (she's a personal trainer). She's very pretty, and very fit. I accept that she'll get hit on at the gym, and I'm ok with that.

She's met a guy at the gym who's clearly taken an interest in her. He's married as well, and a local radio dj, and clearly thinks of himself as a pseudo celebrity. It started with him making jokes about taking his kids and our daughter on trips.

He wants to mention her on his show, etc., which is great for business, but I, and anyone else, for that matter, knows it's not because he's just a nice guy.

At some point they exchange numbers and begin texting. She's not volunteering me access to her phone, but not exactly hiding it either, mostly because she knows that I'm not nosy and I trust her.

Then I see a text about apologizing for calling her gorgeous. Says it's inappropiate, and he knows that, but "it's the truth". She thanks him for the compliment (this message was subsequently deleted).

They continue texting. At last count, over 300 times in 10 days. Mostly innocent banter but he is obviously fishing to gauge her interest.

I ask her if he's keeping it clean, and not making any off color remarks. She lies and says yes (this is after he says ina message "I can't stand the thought of not seeing...I mean training with you for three days"). She tells him that they are a good team and she'll train him well.

Fast forward to last night, and he starts text bombing her. The last message was him saying that he misses her. And her reply was "me too see ya tomorrow".

Now, she's gone completely private with her cell phone. Attached at her hip when before it wasn't. She has a slightly increased sexual appetite as well. And started trying new positions even though she's a very vanilla girl sexually.

He's a client now. She trains him once a week. But he started telling her that he's been fighting with his wife etc. I know this is all inappropriate. I find it odd that she does not.

She's texting him way more than she's texting me. Additionally, if I use the find my phone app it always works unless she says she's at the gym. Then it miraculously doesn't work for an hour or so. Which indicates to me that it's off.

Update - She told me that he admitted that he's training with her because she's hot. But he put a caveat on the statement and said she really knows what she is doing. She IMMEDIATELY got defensive and tried to flip it on me.

Well after she flipped it on me I called her out. Asked her if there were any inappropriate texts etc. She said no. I asked her them off she deleted anything from the texts and again she said no. I kept my cool but told her I knew she was lying thru her teeth. I then told her I hoped it was worth it because I read everything and to pack her bags and get out.

After I confronted her about the lying, and subsequently told her to pack her S*** and leave, we had a very long talk. Initially, she told me that while she was sorry, she was almost relieved because she thought we could use the separation because she felt we had drifted apart over the years and continued to argue about the same crap ad nauseaum.

She told me that it was "nice" to receive compliments from another guy, and that she enjoyed the attention. She said that she did feel bad about hiding her phone, and deleting the texts, because she said it felt like she was cheating on me. When I told her that at the very least that it could be construed as an emotional affair, she said she'd never heard of that term and that I must have made it up (lol).

She said that she became "overwhelmed" with what he was texting and didn't know how to respond to his texts/advances. I called her out on this and told her that she has had no problem calling me out on perceived deficiencies in the past and I saw no reason why she would not be able to do the same with someone else.

She remained adamant that separation was the best course of action; I told her that there would be no separation, if she wanted out, we were done, period. It wasn't until I brought up taking our daughter to school together that she finally started showing a glimpse of emotional reaction and said that she didn't want to get divorced. That she didn't want to split the family apart.

I even went as far as telling her to start deciding what items in the house she wanted, and that I didn't care what she claimed. I told her that I would make the process as painless as possible for the sake of our daughter. I meant that, too.

Eventually, after about an hour of talking, she decided to sit on my lap and sex her way out of what she had done (at least, that is my interpretation). 

The past few days have been much better, so to speak. She's attentive, lets me check her phone, etc. I have access to her FB so unless she is deleting conversations before I can access them she hasn't been communicating with him. However, because of my job, I can't confirm this. Additionally, again, the Iphone is off for a an hour or so during certain times of the day. Also, while the texts from the OM haven't ceased, they have decreased exponentially in frequency, although she denies having said anything to the OM. 

I am still of the mindset of letting her either carry this on or cut it off on her own; because, again, I don't really feel like I should have to reel her back in due to her transgressions; if she is going to wander, then good for her, I'll move on.

And for those that asked, yes, I am in excellent shape, 6'2", 230, 13% BF; sex rank is not an issue here.

And for those interested she has cheated before, albeit what she claimed was an innocent kiss, and she neglected to tell me about that until after our child was born.
The last post was on the 3rd of May, and the previous one was on the 29th of April. So do you still think that this went full blown affair? While at first it sounded like she came out of the fog, it still could have gone PA - here's why:

She felt they were drifting apart (rewriting ?). She wanted the compliments. She wanted a separation. The texts suddenly decreased although "she hadn't said anything to the OM". She "kissed" somebody before (previous cheating). Only came back when divorce was threatened. All huge red flags!

I hope Tangodown is OK.


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## Aerith

Machiavelli said:


> It's good for a wife to know she can be quickly replaced with younger, hotter women, and she needs to reach that conclusion without you pointing it out.


We all are replaceable and id doesn't matter if the sex rank is close to 0 or over 10...

And sometimes new husbands are younger, hotter and wealthier


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## Machiavelli

The vast majority of guys who wash up in CWI can't handle the cave man approach, and that's the approach with the greatest chance of success. Testosterone is in short supply in the modern world.


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## Machiavelli

Aerith said:


> We all are replaceable and id doesn't matter if the sex rank is close to 0 or over 10...
> 
> And sometimes new husbands are younger, hotter and wealthier


In your dreams.


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## Ceegee

Machiavelli said:


> The vast majority of guys who wash up in CWI can't handle the cave man approach, and that's the approach with the greatest chance of success. Testosterone is in short supply in the modern world.


For many, including myself, it takes a situation such as this to force us to see the truth.


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## bkaydezz

Steal the battery out of her cell phone. j/k

Yes, it needs to stop. 
She is taking advantage of her position at work, not to mention you, and of his wife. 

She knows what she is doing.


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## CASE_Sensitive

Updates?


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## Aerith

Machiavelli said:


> In your dreams.


Real world is more diverse than any relationship model however perfect it looks like.

"Miracles" happen and not only in my or your dreams :smthumbup:


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## Decorum

Tangodown,

We have watched this dance over and over again.

From you letting it go on to long and get to far, to you thinking "I got this".

No you don't!

Decide what you want. 

Do you want the best chance to keep your marriage? Then break up the affair, as you are being counseled.

Do you want it to go underground and destroy your happiness? Then continue on as you are, i.e. rug sweep it. (I am willing to bet you rug swept the last affair and there was more to it then you believe)

Do you want to nip it in the bud and move on? Then file and tell her "we are done"

You can even tell her that until the divorce is final you guys have an open marriage.

There is nothing special about you or you situation, you only think there is.

Unfortunately you and her are following a well worn script.

I really do wish you well.
Take care!


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## Machiavelli

Aerith said:


> "Miracles" happen and not only in my or your dreams :smthumbup:


Miracles are by definition acts of God. Should you bank on the possibility of a miracle? That only works in dreams.


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## Dyokemm

"Testosterone is in short supply in the modern world."

I agree.

And we see it reinforced socially in almost every aspect of life.

Men who will not sit quietly and wolf down their s**t sandwiches are a distinct threat to the corporate and political elites who run things. 

Hence, every aspect of our legal and social system does everything it can to prevent them from doing anything about the wrongs done to them, and the system basically does nothing to provide justice to them at the same time.


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