# Need a man's perspective - sort of long



## kacy80943 (May 30, 2013)

I could really use some objective advice.

I am a married 41 year old professional woman. I have been married 12 years, and together with my husband for 18 years.

My husband and I had a pretty decent marriage until about three years ago, when he lost his job. He had been an executive, and made a tremendous amount of money. In the three since he was let go, he has just fallen into a massive depression. Although he continues to be a wonderful father, he has not been a good partner. Long story short, i have finally gotten to a place I never thought I would be - I don't know if I want to be married to him anymore.

Meanwhile, I have become infatuated with another man. Everytime I see him, I get the whole butterflies in my stomach, etc. My husband and I have a large circle of friends with whom we socialize frequently. One of the married men in this circle has been spending a lot of time hanging out with our group alone, since his wife has decided to basically check out of their marriage. In any event, in the past month or two, when we are together, he and I have been spending a good deal of time talking to each other. He is always really complimentary to me, telling me that I am "hot" or that he thinks I look like a beautiful celebrity. When we talk, he stands close to me, with his body facing mine. He hears things that I say even when we are not next to each other, and, and can recall things I have said at other gatherings. I have sometimes caught him staring at me. A few weeks ago, me and another friend were talking to him. My friend said to him something about a hair cut, and I chimed in saying that he should do such and such with his hair, and it would be awesome. Well, the following weekend, he shows up, and guess what? He had gotten the exact haircut I had suggested. He also kept staring at me that night from across the room. Otherwise, he is such a gentleman to me, offering me his last drink or offering to lend me something for the week, that I know he couldn't live without. One last point, my husband is generally around, and he and this man are friends. My husband will often come stand in between me and this man while we are talking, and basically take over the conversation. In any case, this guy stays where he is, and will generally wait until my husband leaves, in order to resume our conversation.

Well, I saw him this weekend, in a small group of friends, which included my husband's brother. My husband had another obligation, and was not at the gathering. He showed up after having been in a minor accident earlier. Well, unlike other times, he seemed a bit distant. Although we had a few conversations, he didn't stand next to me all night, as he has previously. I will say I wasn't excatly in the best place that evening either. 

I am a very close to the vest person, and do not actively flirt, especially with a married man. I have never contacted him, etc. outside of seeing him at a social event. He has not contacted me either. One last point, this guy is super nice and considerate generally. 

What I want to know is whether it is possible that this man is attracted or interested in me in any way. And before anyone mentions it, I know all about the infidelity issues, etc. I am in a bad place in my marriage, and it is likely to come apart at the seems regardless. His marriage has also fallen apart. I would just like to have a guy's perspective on what I have observed.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Most if not all men who lack the courage to fix or leave their bad marriages, and instead put the moves on married women, are scumbags who don't deserve to breathe the air space of decent people.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

You make a bunch of excuses for basically wanting to have an affair with a married man.

Way to kick a man when he is down. You know your husband is in a bad place yet you allow the interactions with this other man to continue. Obviously your husband knows about it as he injects himself into your conversation with this other man.

There is more to this story but have you tried to work on your marriage first? You have spent a lot of time with this man and isn't it worth trying? This is a forum devoted to marriage after all.

If you want to pursue another, do your husband the courtesy of divorcing him first.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, in answer to your question... He is interested.


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## Nonfiction (May 23, 2013)

I'll let everyone else rip you for wanting to cheat and answer your question...yes, he is definitely interested in you. he's married, you're married, you both might want to remedy that before worrying about anything else though.


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## 2009Flhtc (May 3, 2013)

An honest answer froma man who's been in your husbands place and the other guys place. First of all the other guy wants to get in your britches. Of course he's a good listner, considerate, attentive. He's looking to get laid. I had an affair 25 years ago because my wife and I were having problems. I was everything you describe for 3 years until the other woman moved away. I saved my marriage and my wife never knew. I've also wrestled depression in the past and was not a good husband. It took therapy, medication and a couple of years to get it worked out. That was twenty years ago and I'm great today. So either help your husband find some help or pack it in and move on. The one question I have is have you really done all that you could to help your husband and save your marriage or have you just been doing whatbyou percieve is your part? Sometimes you have to do a lot more if you're going to save it. I also know that. My first wife and I were married for 30 years. The last 25 of those years she was sick with a debilitating disease that eventually killed her. So I did things that most husbands don't have to do. It's not always fun and easy. Is your marriage worth saving? Good luck with it.


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## stuck in los angeles (Feb 15, 2013)

I know you have strong desires to pursue this man and only think about what you want at this time. But please think about all the people who will be hurt by an affair in his family and yours. I know you're hurting, but please think further down the road and not be a source of more hurtfull consequences to unintended victims. Get a divorce first or fix the marriage you're in. You did marry your husband with vows to be there for each other though good times and bad after all.


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## JustGrinding (Oct 26, 2012)

kacy80943 said:


> Otherwise, he is such a gentleman to me, offering me his last drink or offering to lend me something for the week, that I know he couldn't live without.


I wrote this about someone else, but it definitely applies here:

"I think she’s beginning to understand some basic truths that had escaped her attention and, coupled with her lack of effective boundaries, left her vulnerable and in terrible danger: a man who will persistently pursue another man’s wife is _not a good man_, and a “friend” who will knowingly and willingly destroy your family is no friend at all, _but an enemy of the worst kind_."

Having said that, go ahead and do what you want to do. You're gonna do it anyway. See ya' later over at the CWI forum trying to pick up the shattered pieces of your life and those of your husband and children.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

kacy,

You're vulnerable as hel1 right now due to the disconnect in your marriage.

You're also smart enough to recognize that your husband is probably suffereing from depression and a major blow to his self esteem since he is no longer providing for his family.

As others have suggested you should do one of two things:

1 - Help your husband realize that he needs help and get it for him. after that, work on the marriage by insisting that the two of you go to MC.

2 - Divorce your husband before your little daliance becomes a full blown EA or PA. Do not kick the man while he's down by not only cheating but cheating with someone he KNOWS. Put yourself in his shoes. If the roles were reversed, would you want him screwing one of your friends?

One other point to remember is that not only will you be screwing up your family, by giving in to this temptation you'll be destroying another family in the process.

Do the right thing here or you'll have difficulty living with yourself later in life


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

So basically you signed up to a board that exists to support marriages, whenever reasonably possible, to seek advice from the male posters here not about your own marriage, but about whether or not your *husband's married friend* has a crush on you?

Simple. Yes he does.

Now that we've settled that, when are you planning on telling your depressed husband that you're emotionally cheating on him with his friend?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

There are only two honorable choices here: 1) Work on and improve your marriage or 2) Leave your husband and then pursue another relationship


I feel badly for your husband though, you seem to have already invested a lot of mental energy into this other MARRIED guy...your poor husband, and he's a wonderful father too


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## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Yes, he interested. He is a married man who is consistently & actively sizing up another woman - the morality of which would be plain to anyone not tangled in the situation.

You say you understand the infidelity issues, Kacy. Take a read through the CWI forum on this very board. Digest the stories from the wives there who have been in your shoes (one in particular, with a husband who succumbed to depression issues). The armageddon which which you are flirting has played out here again and again. Proceed at your own risk but don't say you weren't warned.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Oh and don't forget what you'll be putting your kids through :scratchhead:


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

what's the difference between this guy and every other man you meet?

They are all interested in having sex with you.

All the men who don't make that known to you are the ones with personal character.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer and in sickness and in health.

Did you not take those vows? 

Help your husband move beyond this depression. As a wife, this is what you signed up for. The economy is really awful, so finding a job with the salary he previously had might not ever happen. That's no reason to cheat on him.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm a man so I guess that qualifies me to offer my opinion. He is interested in you, but not in a "I want to run away with you and be together forever kind of way". He just wants to have sex with you. Also, he is only telling you that his marriage is troubled. His marriage is most likely just fine and it is highly unlikely that he would leave his wife for you. Whats more likely is that he will become less emotionally attached to you after he gets what he wants.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes he's interested. He's not interested in you as a person, or you as a wife, he's interested in you as a replacement in bed for his wife.

The guys wife pulled away, so his response is to pursue a married woman in a group of people he calls friends. What a great guy you are attracted to and thinking of cheating with there.

You realize you are already going down the hardcore path to cheating right?

Is that the kind of person you choose to be? A cheating wife?

Instead of helping your husband get through what has been an incredible shock to his self esteem, you are playing the high school girl who's asking others in a giddy voice if some guy who's shown you a little attention likes you or not.

Seriously, is that the kind of behavior you are proud of?

Is that the kind of person you want others to see you as?

And if your husband is depressed about his job loss, what do you think having a cheating wife is going to do him?

You'll certainly be dumped from the circle of couples, they won't want either you or the scumbag who's flirting with you. So you'll both be cast out socially if you cheat, and rightfully do btw.


So instead of choosing to be a selfish cheating wife with a looser that sees his friends wife as a booty call opportunity.

How about you put energy and passion into helping your husband regain his self esteem, help him work through this depression ? And help your marriage grow better.

Or you can take the selfish lazy cowards way and have an affair with this married looser.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

kacy80943 said:


> I could really use some objective advice.
> 
> I am a married 41 year old professional woman. I have been married 12 years, and together with my husband for 18 years.
> 
> ...


Hmmm.....All I'm hearing is

Blah blah blah. Husband hurting

Blah blah I don't care and am going to stop trying to help him

Blah Blah I'm going to focus on a new guy and feel the "new relationship high" again

Blah Blah I don't care about my husband

Blah Blah I don't care about my marriage

Blah blah I don't care about my kids (if I have any)

Sure he wants to bang you. He's laid out the ground work. His marriage is on the rocks. He's super attentive. he's subtley flirty. This guy is GOOD. This isn't his first rodeo. THAT'S for certain.

Ps go let him lay some pipe with you. Have him profess his love, have some hot sex for about six months, then ask him to leave his wife. Have him drop you like a hot potatoe. And then pick up the pieces to your wrecked life. 

Sounds like a plan!


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