# What’s Attractive



## therigger (Aug 28, 2012)

To all the ladies- my wife appears irritated with my complaining and I talk too much...What’s my cure? Insert the eye rolling...I’m an attractive, athletic 42 year old man. How can I be attractive to her- she’s not a romantic, mushy girl, and has no time for BS. She’s a down to brass tacks kind of lady. I was the strong silent type once...


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

*Re: What’s Attractive*

Eye rolling has been my response.



therigger said:


> I was the strong silent type once...


So, was she "once" attracted to you ? Or, was she never attracted to you, even when you were the "strong silent type" ?



therigger said:


> What's my cure?


Perhaps there is a "cure"..... perhaps not. If she was once attracted to you, then it's quite likely that if you stop complaining and talking, you might allure her again.....

If she only pretended to be attracted to you then, there isn't any "cure"....

oops.... sorry.... I didn't catch you were asking ladies.....

All you ladies may now insert eye rolling.....


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: What’s Attractive*

You posted this back in 2013:




> 1. She hasn't kissed me or touched me in any way spontaneously in the last few years
> 2. She hasn't told me she loves me directly in a long time
> 3. It feels like sometime she is constantly mad with me
> 4. Tells me that if I give her a hard time about no sex, she will resent me
> 5. Sex for her with me seems like "let's get this over with"



I think your problems go A LOT deeper than her not finding you attractive.


I get the impression your dynamic for many years has been you begging her to love you and trying anything you can to get her attention, and her seeing you as just another chore on her list of things to do.


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## therigger (Aug 28, 2012)

Ok-so throw me a line here...


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## therigger (Aug 28, 2012)

Ok She’sStillGotIt , how do I fix this dynamic cause i’d love to know...


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What have you done since 2013 when you were here (4 1/2 pages)? Did you read any of the suggested books-HNHN, MMSLP, LB? You should.

Are you still taking meds for adult ADHD? Do you have any children? Have your marriage dynamics improved any and then regressed?

If she has said you're complaining and talking too much and irritate her, fix those habits. SLOW DOWN---changing your relationship will not be a quick, cut and dried process.

Listen to her, look at her in the eye, be still and don't pace. Compliment her honestly. Hug frequently--non-sexual touch is important. All women need intimacy and connection. We (TAM) need more depth from you and she may have that same need.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



therigger said:


> To all the ladies- my wife appears irritated with my complaining and I talk too much...What’s my cure? Insert the eye rolling...I’m an attractive, athletic 42 year old man. How can I be attractive to her- she’s not a romantic, mushy girl, and has no time for BS. She’s a down to brass tacks kind of lady. I was the strong silent type once...


What are you complaining about? Things in your relationship? Or do you just complain about life in general? If you are a habitual complainer, STOP. IT. just STOP IT. When someone occasionally complains, you feel empathy and want to listen. When someone complains about everything, my GOD it's tiresome. You just want to get away from that person. We all have ups and downs. No one wants to hear about how long you had to stand in line at the grocery store or how stale the piece of bread that you got with your salad was. These are only amusing anecdotes if you rarely complain. Otherwise, they're just a DOWNER to listen to.

In *what way* do you talk too much? Do you talk too often? Or do you dominate the conversation? When you are talking, are you watching and listening for reactions? Are you asking her opinion? And when she gives it do you listen thoughtfully or do you cut her off the second you don't agree? Are you talking about things that would interest her, or things that interest you? Are you talking to connect with her mentally, or are you bragging about yourself trying to impress her/others? 

Pay attention when you are talking to what percentage of the conversation is you and if you are jumping to conclusions about other people's thoughts and ideas or listening to them with genuine interest.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

@WorkingWife has great suggestions. Be careful to really listen when someone else is talking and don't be thinking about how you are going to answer instead of listening. Conversation should include silences as well as talking. I'm wondering if you may have a tendency to fill silences with perhaps impatient utterances?

I find that I have to be careful not to have what I call a 'critical spirit'. Statistically things should go our way 50% of the time, but we ALL want at least 95%. Focus on the positives in your life and you will enjoy life more--as will others around you. (We often pick up critical habits in our FOO.)


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



therigger said:


> To all the ladies- my wife appears irritated with my complaining and I talk too much...What’s my cure? Insert the eye rolling...I’m an attractive, athletic 42 year old man. How can I be attractive to her- she’s not a romantic, mushy girl, and has no time for BS. She’s a down to brass tacks kind of lady. I was the strong silent type once...


 @therigger - how is it going? Have you tried to implement any of the ideas here? Any reaction from the wife?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just one quick suggestion for the bedroom issue that may or may not work. Instead of complaining about the lack of sex, or affection, or anything like that, initiate sex, go down on her, be very enthusiastic, talk dirty, be positively indecent, lots of deep kisses before and after. I don't think that will fix years worth of distance between a married couple, but a quick question gets a quick answer.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



She'sStillGotIt said:


> You posted this back in 2013:
> 
> Quote:
> 1. She hasn't kissed me or touched me in any way spontaneously in the last few years
> ...


SSGI-

Thanks for doing OUR homework. 
This helps US

It makes The Parachute Rigger nervous, has caught him off guard.
It seems.... he is now losing his reserve....... chute.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



breeze said:


> Just one quick suggestion for the bedroom issue that may or may not work. Instead of complaining about the lack of sex, or affection, or anything like that, initiate sex, go down on her, be very enthusiastic, talk dirty, be positively indecent, lots of deep kisses before and after. I don't think that will fix years worth of distance between a married couple, but a quick question gets a quick answer.


Wow!


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



therigger said:


> Ok-so throw me a line here...


Rigger, you ain't going to like it but there ain't no line left to throw you. If you understood "womanese" you'd realize the " you talk to much" is her way of saying, "I'm not interested so just shut the f up and get lost". You lowered her romantic interest in you, if she had it in the first place, and it' ain't coming back. Chances are that some time way back yonder, you stopped being a challenge, became way too attached, needy, predictable, and usable and now she finds you a bore. You've allowed yourself to become little more than a base camp for her with you as an annoying camp mate.
Although it highly unlikely you can turn this around, you need to digest Dr. Glover's No More Mr Niceguy for starters. It will help you in your next relationship when she finally kicks you to the curb or you finally decide there ain't enough in it and you hit the trail.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

*Re: What’s Attractive*



therigger said:


> Ok She’sStillGotIt , how do I fix this dynamic cause i’d love to know...


Do the 180, start playing hard to get. Women are not attracted to needy grovelling men. Act like you don't care. Start doing things for yourself, go to the gym, go out with friends, just tell her where you are, you have an appointment etc. Do you play sports? If you do, then go out and play with your buddies, go for a drink and so on. Live you life.


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