# How do i know if sex is his only intention?



## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

I have been seeing someone for a few weeks now, but due to some stuff we didn’t get off on the right foot. Long story short I just went through a divorce, although we were separated for a while, and I was just getting back into dating. I think going through my divorce as it was stressful on me sort of put him off me because I was stressing a lot and I guess it showed in my demeanor, so he just said why don’t we just chill things for a bit. After a few dates we didn’t talk for a few days. We then got reacquainted and spent the night together(had sex too).

At this point in my life I am not particularly looking for a relationship,although I am not against having one if the right person were to come along I liked enough, although I am dating around. However, the more time we spend with one another, I am starting to feel like I am getting feelings for him. So I guess the question is how do I know if he just sees this as sex or more without asking?

He is in contact every day, and after I spent the night I decided not to text him. I figured if he wanted to talk to me or see me again he would reach out. He did text me later in the day saying he was sorry for just now texting but he had been in meeting and blah blah blah and asked how my day was going. 

I would like to see if this can progress into more, but now I am wondering if we are just sort of stuck in the “i go stay over and we have sex,” scenario. How do I really know how he is feeling?

Also I know people will probably say I shouldn’t have slept with him so fast, but I wanted to and at first had no problem it being a physical relationship, so if he only wants that I take full responsibility for us sleeping together that quickly. The only problem is I grew feelings.

How do I know if he wants more without asking? We started off going on dates, then we didn’t talk for a bit and then when we did start talking again things got really flirty and sexual talk was involved. I was okay with that because I didn’t have feelings at this point and find him really physically attractive.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You're an adult who's been married and divorced.

If you can't have a basic conversation about sex and relationships with a potential suitor, then you shouldn't be having either.

"I'm starting to have feelings for you, but don't want this to be heavy and move too fast feeling-wise, either. Where are you at?"


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Why can't you just talk to him? You said it twice in your post that you want the answer without asking him, that's not very mature for a person that has been married/divorced. If anything you should be more able to communicate, not less.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

this totally sounds like the girl I dated last spring. she was JUST divorced. We started sleeping together immediately and often, but we did go on dates in the beginning. then it got to be...she would just come over when we could find time. it was fun, we got along great and laughed together often, and had a lot of amazing sex. she actually did tell me one point early on that she 'really really likes me' but is not ready to commit ' it just seems too soon'. i didnt really have much to say (we had just had sex). Eventually it kind of fizzled out as there was never any other talk of what we were doing. I certainly was not going to bring it up and since she didnt I assume she was happy with what was going on. Maybe she wasnt...? 

Having said all that, if you need to say something, say it (preferably without being emotional) however, be aware that what you feel at this moment may change quickly. You are still very new to attention from men you are available to, plus very newly out of a marriage. In 2 weeks you may find yourself not interested at all in this guy. Just saying.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

JMHO

your not ready to start dating. Get your head on straight start working on yourself and goals YOU would like to do. 

keep him as a friends with benefits if you want .......everybody has needs. But keep it to a minimum if your banging your FWB all the time then there's no time to find the one or work on your goals.


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

Well, first things first, did you enjoy it? I sure hope so. Going through a divorce you deserve some relaxation and nothing like happy endorphins from a good night out. No judgment here. You go with your bad self, sister. 

Now, as to the mooshy feelings stuff. It is actually well known that women after a divorce can be a little easy with their emotional control. There are articles. None come to mind right away, but the Oracle of GOogle can find them. 

Right now, you are not sure what you want as far as a relationship goes. Your healing from a traumatic experience. You are used to being part of a unit. There is a part of you that probably wants the security of being in a unit. But you are also hurt and probably identify that you are moody at times or just need your alone time. 

I'll say this, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a companionship that includes a healthy sex life. As long as both parties are safe and not being foolish. 

It's tough to enter into a discussion that has "conflict" when you are still recovering and getting your bearings, but I think it's necessary in this case. What I would do is let him know that you are enjoying time with him. You like him. You'd like to continue seeing him. But, that you are noticing that your emotions are starting to perk up and you are developing more than just casual feelings. Asking him if he's ok with that will be far better than not saying anything. Why put yourself in turmoil. He could say yes, he'd be happy to see where things go and feels the same. He might say, yes, he doesn't feel that yet, but he's open to letting those feelings develop. He could say, no, he's not ok with a serious relationship but he has fun with you and just wants to keep it casual. He could say no and that he wants to nip the relationship in the bud right now so that it goes no further. 

Is any of the above outcomes a bad thing? Whatever his answer, the ball will be in your court and you can choose what you do. 

Good luck!


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## Imovedforthis (Dec 18, 2015)

well whats his story? single? been single awhile? just got out of a relationship? that could give some clues... 

Maybe he genuinely wants a relationship with someone, or wants to go slow bc he just got out one, or just wants a FWB right now. 

I would think if it was just for sex, he wouldn't put so much effort into it... dating, texting etc. all that seems like you are dating him, but at a very slow pace. I would think if he was just using you for sex you wouldn't hear from him every day... just when he needed some. and typically just wants to meet at night time...

Have a sleepover and don't have sex... see if he texts you back continually after that. 

I would think if he just wanted sex and a FWB he would go the easiest less messy route with guaranteed sex.... 

I agree with the above though- you should just come out and ask him.... or before you had sex the first time you probably should have had a conversation about whether you are taking it slow, just having sex or aiming for a relationship while having sex and going slow.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Yes to both Marduk and Holland! You aren't a child anymore. Ask if you want to know. I don't know how many marriages and LTRs fail because we try to guess what the other person wants because we are afraid of the answer. 
Honestly I think many women are afraid to ask if all a guy wants is sex, because if she sticks around if he says yes, she will somehow "**** shame" herself or feel others will. 
Similarly I think most men are afraid to say so out of fear that she will bolt or perhaps even feel "she must be a ****" if that is acceptable to her.
At this point in my life, I am thru guessing. I am a guy. I want sex. If I meet a woman that doesn't, it is a good thing to know. At least we won't be wasting each other's time.


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## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

Thank you all for the replies. The reason I didn't want to ask is because I felt it was pretty quickly I developed feelings and didn't want him to think I was coming on too strong too soon. I kind of wanted to just see if it developed naturally, but now the feelings have perked up I want to know. I guess I could put it in a way that doesn't sound too much.


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## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

And to answer the other question he has been divorced twice, and has kids. I think his last relationship was a few months ago. He is a lot older than me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

How does a woman know? Without asking. 

It has something to do with the amount of time he spends on each pursuit. A guy spends his resources on the things he values most. What happens before and after. Is he putting time into talk, and activities, and other emotional needs, or is sex quickly followed by withdrawal. Careful here there is a short period after sex when interest plummets. 

Are you getting your emotional needs filled? Are you happier, of just less edgy?


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sl8790 said:


> Thank you all for the replies. The reason I didn't want to ask is because I felt it was pretty quickly I developed feelings and didn't want him to think I was coming on too strong too soon. I kind of wanted to just see if it developed naturally, but now the feelings have perked up I want to know. I guess I could put it in a way that doesn't sound too much.


Ok so perhaps the person you should be asking your question to is your self. So what if all he is interested in is sex? If he says "yes" how do YOU feel about it? If he says "no" how do you feel about it?


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## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

The sex is amazing lol. I usually go over in the evenings and stay the night. We do talk and laugh together and during the night he cuddles and kisses me, but I know that doesn't really mean much. As far as dates go, we haven't been on any since before we didn't talk for a few days. This is why I thought maybe it was strictly physical for him, but because we just started seeing each other again I didn't want to bring up the feelings topic so soon, but I think at this point I need to so I don't get more attached.


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## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Ok so perhaps the person you should be asking your question to is your self. So what if all he is interested in is sex? If he says "yes" how do YOU feel about it? If he says "no" how do you feel about it?


I think if he said he just wanted a physical relationship only I would say that as much as I enjoy us sleeping together, I don't want just that at this point due to feelings...but of course he could say a relationship isn't completely a no go because he wants to continue sleeping with me. It is hard to know if he says that.


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## sl8790 (Jan 12, 2016)

But I feel like if he wanted more he would probably be suggesting dates and isn't, so maybe that is a sign he is going to say he just wants sex.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Apparently, during your early dating regimen, you crossed the line by placing "sex" upon the table with him! Once that line is crossed, it is rather difficult to shut the water faucet off!

That being said, he has it "built in" to his thought process that the relationship had mutually developed between the two of you, greatly to the point that he is now of the mistaken opinion that you two are a "sexual couple!"

The only way to adequately circumvent that is for you two to have a "heart-to-heart" talk about it. You may well not be on the same page!

Sex should never ever be entertained until such time that there is a mutual attraction as well as an emotional commitment firmly established between the two of you!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

sl8790 said:


> But I feel like if he wanted more he would probably be suggesting dates and isn't, so maybe that is a sign he is going to say he just wants sex.


And? What do you think about that?
What is a date? It is a means to get to know someone to see if you want to have sex with them. 
So you don't go on dates? Why? Because you both figured out you want to have sex! Enjoy it. Unless you feel it is abusive - go for it!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Have you two discussed if you are exclusive or not? 

Don't play the guessing game as it rarely works out. Even now after over 4 years I am still amazed at how differently my SO and I can think about things in our relationship. Thinking I know him and he knows me, we have a talk about something that happened and it becomes apparent that we both still assume too much about each other and us. 

There is no need to get too deep so early on, IMHO the depth of discussion about feelings etc should match the depth of the relationship so early on it is a simple "where are we at" type of talk, as things progress the dialogue gets deeper, more complex and develops as the relationship develops. If you don't start with the small talks you will find it hard to know where each of you is at.

You both have the right to know what is going on in your lives. If he is scared off by having that conversation (as long as it is not too heavy, just factual) then you will have your answer.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

sl8790 said:


> But I feel like if he wanted more he would probably be suggesting dates and isn't, so maybe that is a sign he is going to say he just wants sex.


Exactly, he isn't doing the things that build a deeper relationship. Are you?


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

If I really want to know why a guy is with me, and I don't want to ask outright, I just wait for my next period to start. Then I casually joke that I've started, so no nookie for a few days. I wait a little while, then ask him to hang out. If he passes, I've got a good idea of what I wanted to know. 

It's not a perfect system. But if he won't hang out with me if he's not getting laid, that's a pretty solid indicator that I shouldn't get too attached to this one.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

sl8790 said:


> But I feel like if he wanted more he would probably be suggesting dates and isn't, so maybe that is a sign he is going to say he just wants sex.


Hope is not a strategy. 

Tell him what I said.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

I agree, be direct and just ask him. You don't have to be dramatic and proclaim any deep feelings for him. You can just ask if he sees your relationship going anywhere or if he just wants it to be casual. 

I would ask sooner rather than later though because you don't want to fall for him more and more and find out he's not interested in a real relationship. He may actually be curious about the same thing with you, having just gone through a divorce.-

I don't think it'll scare him off as long as you keep it light. Ask him like you're just curious about his goals. Does he want to have a serious relationship in the near future or just have fun? It's not like you're asking for any sort of promise today. I think most men like honesty and openness in women. They don't want to play games, at least the ones I've dated and especially my husband.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

sl8790 said:


> So I guess the question is how do I know if he just sees this as sex or more without asking?


Sad thing is EVEN IF YOU ASK, he may not be able to give you a reliable answer. I once had feelings for a girl in college and we had a great relationship and I enjoyed doing things around her, but once we would have sex, I wanted absolutely nothing to do with her until my desire came back. It made me feel like sh!t because I thought we had a great relationship. 

So when dating afterwards, I made it a point to excessively masturbate, to the point that I was soar and completely drained. It was an odd experience because afterwards I saw most girls as completely annoying that were usually nice to be around, BUT I actually still enjoyed hanging out with this one person. I married her. Twenty years later we are still happy!

So if you REALLY MUST KNOW, the method I described is the only way to get an accurate assessment, even from his point of view!

Badsanta


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Games" is just another psychological mechanism for shirking and avoiding open and honest communication, regardless of whether these games are implemented by the guy or the gal!

I, for one, absolutely hate "games", in that if a woman starts playing them with me, I'd just rather move on!

Want to win my heart? Just try unfearfully communicating with me and talk to me! Fair enough?*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

Then stop going over and having sex with him until he takes you on a date.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sl8790 said:


> The sex is amazing lol. I usually go over in the evenings and stay the night. We do talk and laugh together and during the night he cuddles and kisses me, but I know that doesn't really mean much. As far as dates go, we haven't been on any since before we didn't talk for a few days. This is why I thought maybe it was strictly physical for him, but because we just started seeing each other again I didn't want to bring up the feelings topic so soon, but I think at this point I need to so I don't get more attached.


I'm confused. How long has it been since you started having sex with him?

Are you saying that dates stopped once you started having sex?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Just talk to him.

Say what you mean, mean what you say and sort it out like adults.

Essentially you want to know whether you're FWB or in an exclusive relationship - that is absolutely a reasonable question. If he balks and runs, he was always going to.


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