# Wife is leaving me, doesnt love me. Says I cant change her mind.



## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ok so I found this forum on google and really like some of the replies. I have talked about this alot so instead of typing out a new looooong narrative I am going to copy paste a lot of paragraphs i have typed about my situation and hope you all can interpret it all. If you have any questions feel free to ask. I am sure many of you have gone through or read about situations like this. Here it goes....


So this last weekend my wife and I were out celebrating a friends birthday and we got a little drunk, we started arguing a little bit and I walked away saying, "I dont wanna be with you." I meant right then at that moment. So that we wouldn't fight anymore. She thought I meant be with her at all. Now a little background. I have not been a very good husband lately. I have been very emotionally neglectful. I get upset when she criticizes me instead of just listening so she stop saying stuff to me cause I would get upset. This has been going on for a long time. I never thought it bugged her that much. I just thought she was stressed out cause she just started school full time again. So between working full time and school full time and raising our 1 year old i thought she was just stressed. I admit this is all my fault. I do stupid stuff like that and then I say things out of anger when we get into fights. I never mean those things we all say stuff we dont mean. I love her more than anything and do not want to lose her but she is so attiment(sp?) about leaving. WHAT CAN I DO? I keep telling her that i will change. And I will. But she says i have been given to many chances and dont deserve another. I know i can change and will. I have been doing a lot of soul searching on how to change and why i was acting that way and i have realized how precious she is to me and I love her so much. Any input would help me out. I just dont want to lose my wife.

Im 27 shes 25. Yes she knows. I just want to stay married to her. I love her so much.

I mentioned counseling because we have done it before. She doenst want to go though. she says over and over i dont deserve another chance and wants nothing to do with me. I have also asked about what can I do to make it work her answer is always nothing.

I think she needs some time, time to cool off and forget about her anger. I will give her all the time she needs. and also some space to maybe miss me I would even be fine with her moving out for a while. clears her head and we start slow and talk about things. But she says as soon as she moves out she is filing for divorce. She honestly acts like she doesnt know what marriage is, the sanctity of it. It means so much to me but not to her. She is just so willing to throw it all away without even fighting. I thought when you got married you would fight through anything to be together and you have to work at it everyday. These are the things that i feel like she isnt doing. All i need is a chance. I can make this right...

The effort I was putting into our relationship stopped because I always thought being married was enough. I thought that our vows to eachother would keep us together forever that is what it meant to me. I work 13 hour night shift so I am tired alot so alot of things like household chores i didnt do often. She would nag at me about them and i was soo mean back to her. I would do them but was pissy about it first. I dont help around as much as i should but even before that night this happened i had started more and since it happened i have been working around non stop trying to proove to her i will change. I would always ask about her day but she would just say fine and i would leave it at that. I wanted to know everthing but she wouldnt tell me.

I will let her leave and clear her mind and cool off about how mad she is at me. the thing is she says shes filing as soon as she leaves. I keep telling her you can leave just dont file yet. I told her i dont care if it take 6 months of living apart i will win her back. She is my #1 priority i just never really showed her but everything i did revolved around that woman. I think she does have some issues. Her mom left her family when she was 2 and was gone for 9 months till she came back after the divorced for visitations. I think that has messed her up a little. 

Its always the same thing over and over again. I dont have the same feelings for you anymore, I dont want ot be around you. I dont want to touch you you dont deserve another chance.

As far as sex goes we had sex the night before this all happened so that wasnt a thing either.

The wierdest thing happened on saturday. I cleaned out the garage on thurs since she has been asking me to for 2 weeks. I pulled down all the christmas stuff to start putting up. Well i only put up a few things. When she got home she put up a buuuunch more. Funnier thing is its all her christmas stuff that she either picked out, made or had before she moved in with me.

I think its been about 2 or 3 months she been actually "unhappy" I am an avid gym goer and have been so focused on training and my diet and getting plenty of sleep a lot of things were getting neglected add on top of that working 13 hour night shift. 

Marriage is serious and she agreed to it. I wouldnt think she would throw it away so easily.

I really feel like it just took something so drastic for me to really realize how i was and the consequences of my actions.

NOW:

I am doing all the things for her that she fell for me for in the first place. I stopped talking about it and just being me so she can see that. And yes she gets very upset when anyone talks to her about it. Even her own family. She got mad at me for buying her a gift though. She said she doesnt want me to buy her any gifts or xmas gifts. I said i still was going to though. That part scares me a lot. But a lot of her actions are showing shes leaving, they are showing me that I have to show her how I will be. I am not going to talk about it anymore just be the man she wanted me to be. The man I lost vision of.

She's so confusing. She talks to me, asks questions and jokes around with me a little. Then its like she remembers she's pissed at me and is very cold and short with me. She never looks me in the eye when she does that either. She is also still not wearing her ring. I think this is my last chance but Shes not gonna tell me. Just let me do it and when she figures it out maybe put the ring back on and stuff. Input on this?

Here is another thing. She asked for a North Face vest for Xmas. I want to get it for her. She asked for it 2 weeks ago. I told her 2 days ago I was still going to get it for her. She said no, I dont want any presents from you. I think this might be just because shes so upset with me but the worst in me thinks its cause shes leaving. But, on a positive not she also did say "we cant afford it we still have to make the mortgage payment." The house is only under my name as i bought it 2 years before i met her. She really shouldnt care about the mortgage at all if she was leaving. I dont know maybe I am looking into things to much. Input??

So here is a little update. Tonight when she got home she saw some flowers i got her. She told me to stop spending money on things for her. I told her now. Then I sat down with her and told her that I had no idea that she was unhappy and now she should give me a chance because now I know so now i can fix the things i was doing wrong. She said that doesnt change anything. I asked why not cause now i know, I didnt know before. I then explained my changes and my goals. told her i was giving it to god to heal and i was going to follow his guidance to obey change and take responsibility. I then explained that I have goals of once a day DO something to show her how i love and appreciate her and then tell her how i love and appreciate her. She just kept saying ok ok ok and that she wasnt going to promise me anything that it would change her mind, she didnt want to give me any false hope. I then asked her if i could ask her out on a date, she replied NO. That upset me a little but i didnt show it. I then explained again how i didnt know she was unhappy and if i would of know i would of fixed myself and now that i know we can be a team and fix it cause now we both know. She said NO. I then told her how much i lover her and she told me she doesnt want to talk about it anymore. I told her ok. I then said that I only talk to her about it cause im hoping that one of these times after doing all these things for you and showing you how i have changed that you would give me a little cooperation or at least say you miss something about me. I then told her that i was going to giver her some time. Time by not talking about it and to let her forgive me and space to realizes that she misses me and needs me. She said GOOD that she wants time from me and that she wants space from me. I dont know if its for the same reason or just wants to be away from me. I sure she just wants away from me. i can be patient i just miss talking to her, texting her, seeing her, and touching her meanwhile she is living her life just fine. Oh and ive lost 15 lbs cause i cant eat! 

I know this seems really jumbled. Just ask if you have any questions. One more thing. I started doing the Love Dare also. On day 6. Its going ok still very very resistant which i get as the book says that will happen but its just very frustrating. I am giving myself and my marriage over to God. I need help, i need guidance from him. I need some advice from you guys to.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Have you considered the possibility that there is a third party in this story? That whole is there but isn't, will be gone but is not is typical of women who have two plans. A "plan A" with another guy and a "Plan B". That will be you. 

In this scenario, that whole suddenly become the dream husband routine won't work at all. In fact that stuff will probably destroy the rest of it.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Have you considered the possibility that there is a third party in this story? That whole is there but isn't, will be gone but is not is typical of women who have two plans. A "plan A" with another guy and a "Plan B". That will be you.
> 
> In this scenario, that whole suddenly become the dream husband routine won't work at all. In fact that stuff will probably destroy the rest of it.


I am 100% positive there isnt. I have seen her emails and texts and FB. Plues she says i have poisened her from men, marriage and relationships and she only wants to be alone.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

So tell her OK, she can leave. Start discussing where she will go. Ask her if she has started looking at places to live. Ask her whether she has seen a divorce attorney or does she want to try a mediated divorce first. Ask her if she has arranged for storage of her personal items. If cars are involved, ask her whether she has checked into separate insurance coverage for her car.

the point is that when she realizes you have stopped chasing her and will move on with your life she will either realize she is going to lose something good or will really act to leave. Either way, you get an answer.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I am sorry you are hurting.

Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.

I agree with the poster to investigate if there is someone else.

Because you have treated her badly in the past, her wall of resentment may be too hard to penetrate right now. 

I had built up the Berlin Wall of resentment against my exHusband & the only way he could penetrate it would have been to go to individual counseling & anger management classes & showed me that he had changed. Simply "telling" me he had changed & showing it in small ways would not have worked. He needed outside help.

Try the above. If it doesn't work for this marriage, it will help in your next relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please quitely do your own investigation to see if your efforts are in vain. You can't compete with a new love and if there is a new guy your approach is all wrong.

You are working on being a btter man for her and not your self. work on your self and raise that atraction level, then if there is another man start making the affair as inconviennent and as uncomfortable as possible by exposing it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, so what are the things that you've done that made your wife loathe you and men in general? Based on what you wrote, here is what I see:

1) You don't help out around the house very much, and when you do you complain about helping out. 

2) You work long hours, so you are tired - which can take time away from your family - but you also spend significant time at the gym to keep yourself in shape. 

3) You say cruel things to your wife when you two have arguments regardless of how serious the arguments are.

Anything else? Also, do you have a list of things that she does that you cannot stand? It sounds like most of your problems can be fixed by learning how to communicate more effectively and frequently. Also, I hope you learned to help with chores at home more and to cut back on the time at the gym.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I am sorry you are hurting.
> 
> Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.
> 
> ...


I'd investigate too. However, I think the biggest factor is that the OP is too self-centered and he can be childish when it comes to arguments. What I see, she built up resentment because the majority of the household chores and child raising fell to her while he gets to live his own life as if he's single. He works long hours, but he makes sure he gets his "me" time with frequent trips to the gym and sitting around the house while she does all the chores. 

We don't know what problems she brings to the marriage. Only his are on display at the moment.


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## Traveller321 (Nov 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'd investigate too. However, I think the biggest factor is that the OP is too self-centered and he can be childish when it comes to arguments. What I see, she built up resentment because the majority of the household chores and child raising fell to her while he gets to live his own life as if he's single. *He works long hours, but he makes sure he gets his "me" time with frequent trips to the gym and sitting around the house while she does all the chores*.
> 
> We don't know what problems she brings to the marriage. Only his are on display at the moment.



I think working long hours to support his family is pretty admirable. "Me time" at the gym may be a way for him to safely blow of steam from work, and also keep him attractive to his wife. I think you're being a bit harsh.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Past experience has indicated that if your spouse says they don't "love" you and are leaving, they already have some place else to go. If she leaves, you are better off than if she finds a way to get the cops to evict you and house you in jail on trumped up charges.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Traveller321 said:


> I think working long hours to support his family is pretty admirable. "Me time" at the gym may be a way for him to safely blow of steam from work, and also keep him attractive to his wife. I think you're being a bit harsh.


The long hours at work may be admirable, but what of the cost. Extended hours at work + extended time at the gym + not wanting to help out around the house = a resentful wife that feels emotionally/physically abandoned. She has probably, rightfully, asked the OP when is it her turn to get his attention?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> I am giving myself and my marriage over to God.


This is a fine idea. If God wants you to be married to your wife He is certainly able to send her to you. If not, He will send you someone else. Ask Him each day for your daily bread and let tomorrow take care of itself


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> I am 100% positive there isnt.


That's a pretty bold statement man. If she does leave it is very likely that attitude of hers change within a few months. Don't be surprised if you see her hanging on the arm of someone she knows already. For your sake i hope i'm wrong.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is a fine idea. If God wants you to be married to your wife He is certainly able to send her to you. If not, He will send you someone else. Ask Him each day for your daily bread and let tomorrow take care of itself


Sarcasm?


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

My feeling from what you write is that your comment at the party was ' the straw that broke the camels back' (it could have been anything though...the trigger finger was twitching). The switch has been flicked and she's gone. I've seen this before.. once the decision is made...it's made!

She's been unhappy for months. Between work, gym and getting lots of sleep it doesn't sound like there was any time left for connecting with each other.

I imagine she has been very lonely.
Let her go.. she's leaving anyway, i'd say. 

I'm so sorry for you.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sarcasm?


Not at all. It will be an act of God that brings the op's wife back. Meanwhile, newfound faith will be a big help to him getting on with his new life. The "Love Dare" book lays it all out pretty clearly. Whatever happens, he will be in a better place than now.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Not at all. It will be an act of God that brings the op's wife back. Meanwhile, newfound faith will be a big help to him getting on with his new life. The "Love Dare" book lays it all out pretty clearly. Whatever happens, he will be in a better place than now.


More sarcasm?


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

hookares said:


> Past experience has indicated that if your spouse says they don't "love" you and are leaving, they already have some place else to go. If she leaves, you are better off than if she finds a way to get the cops to evict you and house you in jail on trumped up charges.


She is going to stay at her sisters till she gets a place. Cops cant evict me i own the house by myself i bought it before her.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

costa200 said:


> More sarcasm?


Again, not at all. This may be politically incorrect advice for this forum but in my humble opinion the op would be best served by reading his book, doing what it says, letting his wife do what she has to do and finding his way to make peace with the outcome.

The woman is gone and nothing he can do will soften her heart, that will have to come from her. The op is an emotional basket case. If he can rebuild himself through faith he will be in a much better position for whatever comes next.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I am sorry you are hurting.
> 
> Flowers & North Face Vests won't bring her back. Actually it is annoying to someone who wants to leave the relationship.
> 
> ...


I know there isnt anyone else. I am going to counseling by myself since she wont go.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> She is going to stay at her sisters till she gets a place. Cops cant evict me i own the house by myself i bought it before her.


What about the kid?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

WKrenning said:


> I know there isnt anyone else. I am going to counseling by myself since she wont go.


I am impressed at your faith on your wife. My case was similar like you and I was also confident there was no one else. My STBXW also assured me that there were no one else and she just didn't love me anymore. Once I found out about the OM, she confessed that she had thought I would give her divorce easily if I didn't know about the affair.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OP, so what are the things that you've done that made your wife loathe you and men in general? Based on what you wrote, here is what I see:
> 
> 1) You don't help out around the house very much, and when you do you complain about helping out.
> 
> ...


Yes this is all correct. I just changed my schedule at work, I never realized how hurtful the things i was saying were cause i thought we all say things out of anger. I have cut back my gym time and getting alot more done around the house and showing my love to her. She never communicates with me, that is why i never her how unhappy she was until now. Not that I know I am changing I am fixing it. I am doing all the things i didnt and not doing all the bad things i did.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> I'd investigate too. However, I think the biggest factor is that the OP is too self-centered and he can be childish when it comes to arguments. What I see, she built up resentment because the majority of the household chores and child raising fell to her while he gets to live his own life as if he's single. He works long hours, but he makes sure he gets his "me" time with frequent trips to the gym and sitting around the house while she does all the chores.
> 
> We don't know what problems she brings to the marriage. Only his are on display at the moment.


Yes i was childish and selfish. I see that know and am changing, when we talk i listen, i respect her and dont lash out her problems i would say are her lack of communication. I knew i wasnt doing these things but i am an old school guy who tought cuase i work long night shift hours and she is home more that she can be a kind of house wife. When in all reality she has work, school, and homework also being with our 1 year old every night.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> What about the kid?


Her sister has a huge house with an empty basement. They would stay there until she got an apartment or something. He has his room here.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

life101 said:


> I am impressed at your faith on your wife. My case was similar like you and I was also confident there was no one else. My STBXW also assured me that there were no one else and she just didn't love me anymore. Once I found out about the OM, she confessed that she had thought I would give her divorce easily if I didn't know about the affair.


She is the loyalest person i have ever met. When we got together she deleted every guy in her phone. She never talked to other guys at all. I checked her emails, fb and texts with nothing. I know there isnt anyone else. I pushed her away myself. I understand that now. Now that she actually communicated with me and told me. I didnt know. Im not trying to be ignorant here but since i didnt know shouldnt that give me a chance now that I do???


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

WKrenning said:


> She is the loyalest person i have ever met. When we got together she deleted every guy in her phone. She never talked to other guys at all. I checked her emails, fb and texts with nothing. I know there isnt anyone else. I pushed her away myself. I understand that now. Now that she actually communicated with me and told me. I didnt know. Im not trying to be ignorant here but since i didnt know shouldnt that give me a chance now that I do???


I hope you get a second chance. Keep improving yourself. The problem is, thw wavelength of men and women often don't match. If the communication was better, many marriages could be saved in time. Women expect men to understand a lot of untold things, men don't realize business as usual doesn't mean everything is alright. I don't know if you are going to get a second chance or not, but if you can bring positive changes within yourself then it will make you and your future partner (whoever that might be) a happy couple.

All the best.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> Her sister has a huge house with an empty basement. They would stay there until she got an apartment or something. He has his room here.


I seem to (barely) remember that when we had our first kid, my wife went to stay in her mom's basement for a couple months. She (my wife) was a volatile person to begin with and she was totally hormonal through all three of our pregnancies and at least the first year of each kid's life. I guess that must have been about six years altogether. My humble advice is to assume your wife is out of her mind. Understand there is nothing you can do about it. Do you best not to make things worse. Improve yourself if you can


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

She has made no plans to leave. I am getting a lot of mixed signals from her. I think she is staying for a while to let me prove to her I have changed and will change. If she was so serious she would be gone right? She talks about a lot of future things that we have to take care of together. Like her new schedule, my new day shift schedule and what not. Like she is staying, not making any promises of false hope but letting me try. My plan is to give her a time to get over her anger and space to realize she misses me. I am staying in the spare bedroom. I will stay positive, continue doing all the things I have been doing. Chores, taking care of my kid more often and letting her do her own thing. Also, showing her how much I love her with cute notes, texts, making her lunches, telling her how much i appreciate the things that she does.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Individual counseling will be good for you. If there is nobody else, the separation will give her time to see if she misses you. Even filed divorce papers can be stopped.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

My biggest frustration is I didnt know that she was unhappy. I know it was my fault and now I know she isnt. Now that i know i would think she would feel relieved and give me a chance to make it right instead of giving up.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

WKrenning said:


> My biggest frustration is I didnt know that she was unhappy. I know it was my fault and now I know she isnt. Now that i know i would think she would feel relieved and give me a chance to make it right instead of giving up.


Agree that it is very odd that she never mentioned how unhappy she was/is. 

Are you sure? Never once said anything?

When I was unhappy, my husband knew it but chose to ignore


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Agree that it is very odd that she never mentioned how unhappy she was/is.
> 
> Are you sure? Never once said anything?
> 
> When I was unhappy, my husband knew it but chose to ignore


I use to tell her how it bugged me that she wasnt romantic towards me anymore. She told me she had just been so stressed cause of school and work and that was causing us to fight a little. But she never ever ever said she was unhappy. If she would of told me that i would of changed a long time ago. I would of fixed this. I want to fix it. She definitly has that wall of resentment up. I am just trying to figure out how to not tear it down but pull it down brick by brick...


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Again, I find it very odd that she never mentioned how unhappy she is. If she works full time, goes to school full time & has a baby, that is too much! I would think she has enough sense to know that being a single mother will cause her more stress.

Does she work with men? Go to school or online?


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

A couple of guys but not directly. She goes to school. I know where you are going with this. Trust me there is not anyone else. I am absolutely 100% sure about that. She is a very very loyal person and i know that isnt the case. I am not even remotely worried about that.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ok a little update. I wrote her a letter the letter was just a list of promises that i am making and how I am going to fulfill them. She read it. We then got to talking about us, which you all told me not to do. She got very very upset. She told me she isnt going to stay here if i keep talking about it. So i told her i wont and that she can add that to the list. A little later, I was staring at her. She goes, what? I said I just love you so much so so much and I just want a chance. She then said. Well i am still here arent I i havent packed anything and havent left. I took that as this is your last chance if you dont change or i dont feel for you im outta here kinda thing. Made me feel a ton better now I know i can just be myself and change and let her see it. Also she said something about putting shelves in our closet for all of her shoes. Why would we do that if she is for sure leaving? I wont call her bluff cause I know she will but i dont think shes planning on it unless i mess up or push her away.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Honestly... I dont think there is anyone else either OP. I dont think she is bluffing either, nor is she just giving up and not working on things. In fact she may have been working on things this entire time and after not seeing any results from you... Just gave up. She could have very well been telling you what was wrong and you just wrote it off as mere nagging. 

The way you post your wifes actions seem so very similar to the way I act with my spouse and I have told him I was leaving as well. I can say that no its not because there is anyone else... But becaise im just so full of anger and resentment. Your long hours at work and gym time have no doubt left your wife feeling lonely and abandoned. That and she probably felt you were seeking attention elsewhere. This could very well be your last chance. 

Do you remember what she nagged at you about? Like, what were the things you did that pissed her off the most? Has she ever said anything like... Actions speak louder then words? If so... I doubt any letters and lists will mean anything unless you back it up with action. 


Of course you absolutely ruled out the possibility of anyone else?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

It does sound like she is struggling between deciding to give you a chance or just end it though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Honestly... I dont think there is anyone else either OP. I dont think she is bluffing either, nor is she just giving up and not working on things. In fact she may have been working on things this entire time and after not seeing any results from you... Just gave up. She could have very well been telling you what was wrong and you just wrote it off as mere nagging.
> 
> The way you post your wifes actions seem so very similar to the way I act with my spouse and I have told him I was leaving as well. I can say that no its not because there is anyone else... But becaise im just so full of anger and resentment. Your long hours at work and gym time have no doubt left your wife feeling lonely and abandoned. That and she probably felt you were seeking attention elsewhere. This could very well be your last chance.
> 
> ...



She said she worked on things and made the choice to be be happy. Well now she is done with that. I had no idea and tried telling her that, and now that i do make that choice again and i will back up my words with actions, she said no. I told her if i mess up once and do something to hurt you you can leave but just make taht choice she again said no. 

She mostly nagged about me not doing the dishes or the house being dirty or how she was afraid to bring something to my attention because I would get mad easily. I thought she was being over sensitive but through this i have been able to step into her shoes and as an outsider looking in and I absolutely did those things to her and I feel terrible. I know that words or letters arent going to do much i just wrote the letter so she would have something that she can just read over and over. I will fulfill this and I will not lose her. That is the choice that I am making. I love this woman more than anything. I really think God is testing my love for her and she is doing the same. Her sister did tell me that she heard I have made some big changes and hes been doing them. So that coupled with the Im still here I havent left yet is a good sign. Im ready for it to be my last chance cause I am going to do it this time, there is no doubt in my mind....

Yes def. ruled it out. Even talked about it last night. One thing I can say about my wife is that she is honest. In the 2.5 years of knowing her i have not once caught her in a lie even a little white lie. period


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> It does sound like she is struggling between deciding to give you a chance or just end it though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think so too. But her still being here is a good sign of the other chance. My biggest worry is I will change all the things that she wants and needs to be happy and she still leaves because the damage has been done. She is to focused on the bad stuff and not at all of the good times we have had together.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Perhaps some IC would do her good. Help her deal with and understand things better as well as perhaps give her an idea... A better idea on where she wants the relationship to go. The dishes and housework sound more like she may be thinking this. "I do all these things for him and he cant bother to do something for me?" In other words she may be resentful about you not paying enough attention to see what she needs. Perhaps merely offering to do something like dishes may help improve things. 

Like with anything else it could be the thought that counts. You do not necessarily have to start doing dishes everyday or other household chores... Just perhaps show her that you are thinking of her, noticing what she is doing and appreciate it as well. This could all be accomplished with the simple offering to do dishes after dinner or even fixing dinner one night. 

Now ... If she avoids getting you angry... Or rather did so in the past she may have conflict avoidant personality. It does seem like she could use some IC and you be sure to keep your anger in check better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

WKrenning said:


> I think so too. But her still being here is a good sign of the other chance. *My biggest worry is I will change all the things that she wants and needs to be happy and she still leaves because the damage has been done.* She is to focused on the bad stuff and not at all of the good times we have had together.


That shouldn't be a worry. Going through the efforts and changing for the better is always a good thing. Even if you wife leaves you, you are much better prepared for the next woman that would come into your life.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> That shouldn't be a worry. Going through the efforts and changing for the better is always a good thing. Even if you wife leaves you, you are much better prepared for the next woman that would come into your life.


I agree with this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> I want to fix it. She definitly has that wall of resentment up. I am just trying to figure out how to not tear it down but pull it down brick by brick...


Wkrenning,

You can only pull down your bricks, your wife will have to be the one to pull down hers. As much as I'm sure you want to fix things for her, ultimately she has to be responsible for her choices


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> We then got to talking about us, which you all told me not to do. She got very very upset. She told me she isnt going to stay here if i keep talking about it. So i told her i wont and that she can add that to the list. A little later, I was staring at her. She goes, what? I said I just love you so much so so much and I just want a chance. She then said. Well i am still here arent I i havent packed anything and havent left.


Let's be real careful here not to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If I can ask one thing it would be for you to stay away from talking like this.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> We then got to talking about us, which you all told me not to do. She got very very upset. She told me she isnt going to stay here if i keep talking about it. So i told her i wont and that she can add that to the list. A little later, I was staring at her. She goes, what? I said I just love you so much so so much and I just want a chance. She then said. Well i am still here arent I i havent packed anything and havent left.


Let's be real careful here not to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If I can ask one thing it would be for you to stay away from talking like this. Like she said, she hasn't left yet so please try to leave well enough alone.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> She said she worked on things and made the choice to be be happy. Well now she is done with that. I had no idea and tried telling her that, and now that i do make that choice again and i will back up my words with actions, she said no. I told her if i mess up once and do something to hurt you you can leave but just make taht choice she again said no.


A choice made by one person in secret in a relationship is not much of a choice in my humble opinion. However, you are starting to sound borderline controlling here which is not a particularly attractive characteristic.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Wkrenning,
> 
> You can only pull down your bricks, your wife will have to be the one to pull down hers. As much as I'm sure you want to fix things for her, ultimately she has to be responsible for her choices


Completely agree with this too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Thanks for all the input. I will stop talking to her about us for sure, I will only talk to her about her day and what not, also i will continue to be helpful as i really do appreciate the things that she does. It just hurts when we had all these plans for the holidays and a sister in laws bday and now i am just out of the picture and she is doing them without me.I just want to be included in those things. I will give her her time and space and continue showing her ive changed and showing my unconditional love for her. Thank you.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Let's be real careful here not to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. If I can ask one thing it would be for you to stay away from talking like this. Like she said, she hasn't left yet so please try to leave well enough alone.


Talking like what? Talking about us or just telling her i love her and need a chance??


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Perhaps some IC would do her good. Help her deal with and understand things better as well as perhaps give her an idea... A better idea on where she wants the relationship to go. The dishes and housework sound more like she may be thinking this. "I do all these things for him and he cant bother to do something for me?" In other words she may be resentful about you not paying enough attention to see what she needs. Perhaps merely offering to do something like dishes may help improve things.
> 
> Like with anything else it could be the thought that counts. You do not necessarily have to start doing dishes everyday or other household chores... Just perhaps show her that you are thinking of her, noticing what she is doing and appreciate it as well. This could all be accomplished with the simple offering to do dishes after dinner or even fixing dinner one night.
> 
> ...


I think she does too. I have actually been telling her that for a while. I wont dare say it now. She would get very upset with me.

That is exaclty what it is with doing dishes and what not. Even when she was 'unhappy" she would buy me things when she would think of me when she saw them. I wasnt giving her the attention she deserved until now. I am being very thoughtful and doing dishes and cleaning in my free time. She always tells me thank you and how nice it looks. I think we are on the right track and she will come around. I just need to stop talking about us and keep praying...


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> A choice made by one person in secret in a relationship is not much of a choice in my humble opinion. However, you are starting to sound borderline controlling here which is not a particularly attractive characteristic.


Yes i think i can notice it. I will take a step back. I think that is why she gets so upset, cause its hurtful and I am the one controlling the conversation.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> Talking like what? Talking about us or just telling her i love her and need a chance??


All of the above. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing your tone and demeanor come off as weak and clingy and insecure and anxious and that is like poison to her feelings for you. If you can't present yourself as strong and courageous and unshakable (and that could be pretty difficult under the circumstances) then don't talk about any sensitive relationship issues until you can.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> Yes i think i can notice it. I will take a step back. I think that is why she gets so upset, cause its hurtful and I am the one controlling the conversation.


I wouldn't even try to guess why she gets so upset. Let her own her upsetness and make sure you're not adding to it.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

WKrenning said:


> She is going to stay at her sisters till she gets a place. Cops cant evict me i own the house by myself i bought it before her.


Good luck. I built most of what was my home before marrying and it was no detriment to keeping the judge from handing it over to my ex who promptly moved the guy in she was seeing when she handed me my papers.
It appears that you need some expert legal help and aren't aware of it.


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> All of the above. Please don't take this the wrong way, but I'm guessing your tone and demeanor come off as weak and clingy and insecure and anxious and that is like poison to her feelings feelings for you. If you can't present yourself as strong and courageous and unshakable (and that could be pretty difficult under the circumstances) then don't talk about any sensitive relationship issues until you can.


Ok sounds like a plan. That is exactly how i was coming off. Now that I feel a little better about her saying She hasnt left yet when i said that and also, she said she needed shelves for all her shoes installed in our walk in oh and when I called her today cause she texted me cause she was going to costco she said she was renewing our costco membership. Since All of that makes me feel a ton better I will only present myself as strong and courageous and unshakable and wont speak about us until then or until she is ready. Can i still tell her i love her? and that I miss her? Talk about her day and what not?


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Talk about her day, not about you missing her. Show love by doing the small things she needs to see. Don't go back to being clingy.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WKrenning said:


> Can i still tell her i love her? and that I miss her? Talk about her day and what not?


If she initiates conversation about her day, engage her in a businesslike manner. Otherwise you will be saying a lot more by saying nothing, not the least of which is proving you can do it. She knows how you feel, it's how she feels that is the problem. Don't make her feel any worse


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## WKrenning (Nov 26, 2012)

A little update for you all. Things have been going good. Still doing the love dare. It seems to get better and better every day. Still no affection from her no kisses or I love yous
Were sleeping in the same bed still as she hasn't left. She talks about future events like new tires on my car and about restaurants to try. We haven't talked about us at all and just staying positive and keep showing her I love her. She says she hates seeing me so depressed and so I told her let's just be happy, enjoy each others company and be together. She said OK that she doesn't want me to tell her how much I love her and want to change that she wants me to show her. I told her that we need to communicate more and tell me if something is bothering you like being to lovey and she has and I've been calm and accepting of it. All in all things are going well just waiting for her to come around and put her ring on. Also she never called me or texted me when this was all going on and she has been last couple days like she used to. After work after school. I just don't know if her responses are a.good sign or what. We go to dinner, breakfast out shopping and we also make a lot of decisions together and I really think if she was done and leaving she'd be gone. I think she is still testing me and seeing if its for real. I'm determined to do this and keep it going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Great news!

Sounds very positive.


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