# The Other Guy



## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

I have been married 20 yrs and have 3 kids, 6-13yrs. My wife took on a job 2 years ago and has been succesful and a very big asset to her company. Her boss has been very accomadating to her and always seems to give her all the support she needs in re: to taking off and the flexibility of the hours because of the children. We thought this was a wonderful opprotunitiy to get ahead and for the most part she loves the job.(Financial). 
We have had our problems and for the most part ...have not really had a strong relationship the last couple of years. I love her with all my heart and would do anything for her, but on the other hand ...she lacks respect for me and hardly ever says or shows love for me. I live everyday working hard to change things around and it a very UP and DOWN marriage. Sometimes fights escalate to taking divorce and moving on. Then things simmer down and we are a family again. Very minimal sex to add. 
Last couple of months I noticed a distance in her behavior in a different way. Almost like a "I can do what I want now and noone can tell me otherwise". I thought it was the age and that she was entering a different stage in her life. I noticed that she stated to speak more of her boss and that she really looked up to him. They are partners at work and spend lots of time together everyday. He text her countless times a day and night even when she is home and they talk alot on the phone. When I finnally voiced me concern about the relationship...she stated they were just friends......when I ask more about the relationship..she stated that they were extremely close and she had opened up to her about her life struggles and life in general. She says she loves him like a friend and is very concerned about his life and the fact that she says "she respects him....he does not judge her in any way..she trust him and he trust her and she has never felt that way about anyone ever. "But we are just friends" I voiced my concern and said I was hurt by those words and she said "maybe if you gave me that feeling I would not have to find it somewhere else". could u imagine how I felt? I expressed how it was wrong and that I was hurt. her response.."that is just the way it is" my question is "what should I do?" trust her and go along or blow my stack and deal with the circumstances...which will be?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Emotional affair.

As a woman, there is no male friend I have (not that I have a lot of those) that I go around saying "I love him as a friend." And I'm not married. Word to the wise.


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

I read alot on this and I feel like it is an emotional affair. How do I handle this...this could really be the end.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

This sounds very dangerous to me. Lets see what the oothhers think but this feels very wrong!


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

maybe i should mention , he is seperated.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> I noticed that she stated to speak more of her boss and that she really looked up to him. They are partners at work and spend lots of time together everyday. He text her *countless times a day and night even when she is home and they talk alot on the phone*. When I finnally voiced me concern about the relationship...she stated they were *just friends*......when I ask more about the relationship..she stated that *they were extremely close and she had opened up to her about her life struggles and life in general*. She says she loves him like a friend and is *very concerned about his life* and the fact that she says "she respects him....he does not judge her in any way..she trust him and he trust her and *she has never felt that way about anyone ever*.


She is already deeply infatuated with him. They are sharing their most intimate, innermost feelings about everything with one another. She complains to him about her marriage (and is likely re-writing marital history while she does it). These types of conversations are highly inapproprate to have with someone outside the marriage who has sexual potential--setting aside that he is her boss.

The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass spells this all out in great detail. I would get the book ASAP. It was written by a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher and the book is THE book on emotional affairs (assuming...that this is only emotional).

My husband and I are reconciled after a deeply emotional affair he had with a former co-worker. You can bring this back from the brink, but it is in no way easy.

Your wife is in deep denial right now. Every single bit of contact she has is reinforcing her "love" for him. Unfortunately, to extract herself from this she will have to quit her job--there is absolutely no other way around this.

Is he married? Does his wife know about this situation?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

She has zero respect for you. Most likely your wife is in an emotional affair (EA) with her boss and it may even be a physical affair (PA). There are links for people to read in the coping with infidelity board that will give you resources to help you out. Most likely, you have acted like a submissive, overly fawning, needy and desperate man trying to grovel to his wife about reconnecting to him. Your wife does not respect this and you need to find your backbone and demand the respect back from her that you lost. 

Be prepared to nuke this marriage it has to come to that. If you want to repair the damage within this marriage, you need your wife to end this relationship with her boss immediately and she either has to quit her job or transfer to another department. If she refuses, then you need to man up and take steps to either make her understand that you will not accept this relationship that she has and are prepared to divorce over it. 

What do you want to do if you find out this is a PA? Is that an automatic deal breaker or do would you be willing to reconcile the marriage if she is remorseful and wants to be with you?


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

seperated, for 6 months. I am a very patient man and do not want to blow my stack. I know if I approach her on this again, she will shut me out completely. I did mention to her that I was a man (her husband) and that it was down right wrong. Her answer "if you start any trouble, I will be infuriated!"


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

put your foot down.

tell her its time to work on your marriage together as a team. If she balks at this sugestion.....what wife don't want to work on their marriage....ones that banging her boss.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> seperated, for 6 months. I am a very patient man and do not want to blow my stack. I know if I approach her on this again, she will shut me out completely. I did mention to her that I was a man (her husband) and that it was down right wrong. Her answer "if you start any trouble, I will be infuriated!"


Does her boss have a boss?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

jasperlynx said:


> seperated, for 6 months. I am a very patient man and do not want to blow my stack. I know if I approach her on this again, she will shut me out completely. I did mention to her that I was a man (her husband) and that it was down right wrong. Her answer "if you start any trouble, I will be infuriated!"


whip,whip meow!!!!!!



come on why arn't you infuriated? :scratchhead:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is the boss married?


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

If I ever found out it was PA I would not know what to do. I cant say I would rush for seperation or divorce. How do I handle this with her. So far she does keep saying "just friends". One thing i understand with her is she is alway honest with me , even when it hurts.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Well you certainly have a problem whether it's physical or not yet. She may not be admitting to herself that this is an EA. 

Questions:
1 Is he married?
2 Does she let you read her text message.
3 Is she deleting text before you can see them.
4 Does she have email, facebook, etc. If so does she share the passwords.

I speculate the answers to 2,3,4 are no, yes, and yes and no.

Anyway one thing that makes this tough is that an emotional affair requires separation from the other other guy meaning he or she would have to change jobs. It sounds like she's all happy about having this job so good luck with that.

Some bad news: My ex wife had an affair with her Boss at work years back. It was her second affair so I filed papers and we divorced. They are married now to each other and I am re married as well. I wonder sometimes if the fact they were both married when they started messing around causes problem. 

What ever happens, it will not be easy no matter if it's only EA and ends or PA and continues, or you stay together, or you split up. Marriage is a big deal so there's a lot motive to stop this before it gets further out of hand.

Look at this link. It's pretty awesome.
The Love Bank

If you and her want to feel in love again it may help.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

iheart is right. She is infatuated with him. It only takes a couple of weeks for that to happen. You have to get her to realize this and to realize that you guys have years of history that could be dumped for someone she really does not know yet.


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

chillymorn
Of course I'm out of my mind infuriated!! put it this way if I tell her again, this is way out of line....she will say F you. She honestly thinks there is nothing wrong with it. There is one thing about my wife...She is like a therapist to everyone. all her friends go to her for advice and they all depend on her for support.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> Her answer "if you start any trouble, I will be infuriated!"


Do you want to die on your feet, or on your knees? Let this relationship evolve as you worry about getting her mad. You'll get filed on, assuming she doesn't cake eat you for years. 

Or, realize that you don't give a F if she gets infuriated. She is disrepecting you and the marriage. Tell her to cut this crap out, or you're going to start the D process.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> If I ever found out it was PA I would not know what to do. I cant say I would rush for seperation or divorce. How do I handle this with her. So far she does keep saying "just friends". One thing i understand with her is she is alway honest with me , even when it hurts.


Well she's not being honest with you in this case, or at a minimum she is lying to herself. I'm sorry but even if the conversations are not sexual in nature, she has bonded with him on a level that should be reserved for her husband. She SHOULD NOT be telling him your inner most secrets, period! The fact that she is in contact with him all hours of the day is a huge lack of respect for you. 

You bet your ass you better put her foot down and you better chuck this patience crap to the curb and start fighting for this marriage if you truly want to remain with her. If she gets angry with you, tell her to STFU and listen. I'd pour my heart out to her ONCE and lay all your cards on the table. Tell her it's either you or this boss. If she chooses the boss, then BE PREPARED and FOLLOW through with the divorce. You can always stop the divorce if you two decide to later reconcile. But the bottom line is she does not believe that you will do anything about there and will continue to sit there patiently like a good little boy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

how has the stronger will.

if you believe you are right then hold her accountable. and if she say F you then defend your boundries and say this is not acceptable and if things don't change then I'm out of here!.....but you better mean it or it won't work.

if she dosn't want to change then maybe you want her to control everything and have no respect for you then just let her dictate everything until she is repulsed by you then she will file.

sorry to be blunt but this is how I see it .not trying to offend you but being passive in this situation dosn't sound good to me.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This is likely a physical affair. 99% she is having an affair. I would bet my life salings if I could on it, You are f*cked unless you man up. Your wife might be the reason that the other guy separated from his ex-SO. 

You look like the typical nice guy beta that is usually walked all over by his SO. Please repost in the "Coping with Infidelity" section. You need help

You also need to start snooping on her. You can worry about the wrongs of snooping later and apologize if she isn't cheating already.

Have you ever talked to this guy?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

If only it was easy to follow logic when your emotions are reeking havoc on you. You do have to be careful that you'll come across being needy, whiny, clinging or emotionally weak which makes things worse. 

It's easy for me to say since I'm not the one in this predicament but I think you have to pull all the stops. Go to her work and tell her boss what you think is going on. Tell her boss's boss what you think is going on. Don't act like you believe her when something does not add up. Have solid ground rules for what you think is a good marriage and let her know what they are.

I mean no risk is to let it blow over hope she stays with you and pretend it never happened. High risk is to do what ever it takes to either stop it now or ask her to leave the house. Two things are possible 1. it stops and she has gained respect for you or 2. She leaves and it happens anyway.


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

you guys are right. I am letting her walk all over me..with everything. For myself I should give her the ultimatum...cut the crap or I get the F-out.
maybe I'll gain some respect I deserve.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> put it this way if I tell her again, this is way out of line....she will say F you.


Good. Then you know exactly where you stand with her. If that's her reply, I'd STFU, walk away and call an attorney. That may be your best/only shot at saving this.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You might want to go with a VAR in her car under the seat and see what you pick up.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> The book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass spells this all out in great detail. *I would get the book ASAP*. It was written by a nationally-recognized infidelity researcher and the book is THE book on emotional affairs (assuming...that this is only emotional).


If nothing else, Not Just Friends will give you the precise ammunition you need to counter her silly, disrespectful arguments.

And, since you sound like you're tired of being a doormat, take a look, in addition to Not Just Friends, I suggest No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Married Man Sex Life.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

Your wife has no respect for you because she does and says whatever she pleases with absolutely no consequences.

Respect is earned my friend and I suggest you stop making excuses for her and how angry she will be if you confront her again because in a month or two you will be all alone and she will be with her boss.

The boss is separated -- your wife has no respect for you or your marriage --- you tell me what will happen next ??

Just go read some of the threads on CWI -- 

Hopefully you will wake up soon -- you still may have a chance -- but time is running out !!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

By the way sometimes 2-3 weeks of separation is plenty of time for someone to evaluate what they have to lose. It's not as clear cut as "don't do anything" versus "divorce". 

But if you want her to respect you then you DO HAVE TO DO THE SELF RESPECTING THINGS which means you have to stand your ground. Don't worry about driving her to him. She's already at him and has little respect for your relationship. Be strong and that is attractive.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to realize that people in affairs make protecting the affair their #1 priority. So anytime you start to talk or take action she is going to put everything she has into maintaining the affair.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> you guys are right. I am letting her walk all over me..with everything. For myself I should give her the ultimatum...cut the crap or I get the F-out.
> maybe I'll gain some respect I deserve.


The thing is, what does "cut the crap" mean. She has to work closely with this man. She sees him all day long 5 days a week, at least. So let's say she stops texting / calling / emailing him in front of you. That is not a victory.

The OM is a drug to an infatuated woman. She gets a hit WHEN HE MAKES EYE CONTACT ACROSS THE ROOM JUST ONCE EVERY FEW DAYS. Her brain has changed phsyiologically, if we hooked her up with electrodes you'd see her pleasure centers firing on all cylinders at the mere sound of his voice.

She is going to have to quit or be vastly separated from him if the company is large enough. There is no. other. way.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Listen to iheart Jasper.


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## jasperlynx (Aug 10, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice..wow what a wake up call!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is been going on for a long time, so you need to get caught up. so quitely investigate your wife. Once you get the smoking gun, it will not only give you the confidence to confront her and take the step that need to be taken, but it will also prevent you from looking like the bad guy.

Get it?

The proof you compile will greatly effect the out come here.

If you have the dough hire a PI.

See she is cheating on you....we don't know if she has commited adultory but she is cheating you out of a healthy marriage, with her behavior with OM.

Stop sharing your wife and get the smoking gun that will blow this out of the water.

Not only investigate your wife, but other man...is he really seperated or is he telling your wife a line of crap? Who is his wife and were do they live.

See all these things need to be looked at so when the time comes you are not 10 steps behind , but 2 steps ahead of the deciet your wife is showing you..only then can you have a effective confrontation.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I can't make you buy Not Just Friends, although your library almost surely has a copy. Here it is on google books, which only excerpts it, so you can't read the whole thing.

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - Shirley Glass - Google Books

But just look at the table of contents, this is your situation dead front center:

NOT "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity - Shirley Glass - Google Books


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I can't make you buy Not Just Friends, although your library almost surely has a copy.


Know that you at least convinced me. I'm leaving in a few mins to get it from my library. 

Hopefully the OP does the same.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

jasperlynx said:


> If I ever found out it was PA I would not know what to do. I cant say I would rush for seperation or divorce. How do I handle this with her. So far she does keep saying "just friends". One thing i understand with her is she is alway honest with me , even when it hurts.


You're worried about the PA because you're a guy. Men see more love on the physical side of things. Unfortunately, she is in an EA which is more dangerous in the case of a woman. She is cheating on you in a more serious manner. I hate to say this, but if she gets the chance she will most likely leave you before you can even blink. She's in deep.


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