# How much is enough, or not enough?



## bluebird (Mar 17, 2008)

How much is enough or not enough time with your partner?

I know in this busy world we live in, sometimes its hard for couples to connect(again not talking about sex LOL).

How much time do you spend with your partner? Do you feel its enough? Do you feel its too much?

I can honestly say apart from sleeping in the same bed, and dinner with the whole family several times a week, we spend no other time together. Sure there are family trips to the store, or out for dinner. Once we are home, we go our separate ways. I would love for my spouse to say "Hey once the kids are in bed, lets watch tv together?"...but the truth is, once the kids are in bed, he takes the opportunity do work on his projects.(I posted about this on another topic)which is a car/truck project that he literally(no lie)works on in every spare minute of his time.Nobody really believes me when I tell them this. 
So no I dont feel like we spend enough time together.He feels he is entitled to his free time because he is the breadwinner. I cant argue with that, as he does work two jobs. I would NEVER take that away.
Thank goodness for my kids, because although they are handful at times, at least they enjoy being with me


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The wife and I work opposite of each other but we always have time that we spend together each day, and every minute is quality time. On the surface we probably spend less actual time together but I think that it is the quality and not the quantity that really matters.

We also "date" still to this day every week, just us.

draconis


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## TheHubby (Mar 20, 2008)

There is never enough time. I wish I had more time but due to the distance of my job & the time I leave and get home I may have an hour to 2 hours a day to actually see & spend time with her. 

We made an agreement that we must go out at least once a month. Due to other changes & events, it has been about 3 months now since we did that. 

I want to make an effort to make sure that more time is spent togehter though.


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## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

You know, I feel a bit awkward responding to some of these threads, as I am having to seriously work on my own communication and intimacy issues. My wife and I work at the same company and commute together. And believe me, when things aren't going well that's A LOT of time together. But I digress. Pardon me.

You say that you do not begrudge him his hobbies. Well, have you tried following him out to the garage with a beer or cup of coffee and ask him to explain just what he's up to that particular evening?... like when you were dating? He would have to be a Neanderthal not to love that. I know I would. And if he's willing to slow down long enough to explain a thing or two to this babe who's asking... you just might be able to turn the radio on and sneak a dance in.

I don't know how important it is that he make time to stay in the house and watch that romantic comedy with you. But what do you think about taking the first step in his territory?

All the best. DanO


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## bluebird (Mar 17, 2008)

bluedano said:


> You know, I feel a bit awkward responding to some of these threads, as I am having to seriously work on my own communication and intimacy issues. My wife and I work at the same company and commute together. And believe me, when things aren't going well that's A LOT of time together. But I digress. Pardon me.
> 
> You say that you do not begrudge him his hobbies. Well, have you tried following him out to the garage with a beer or cup of coffee and ask him to explain just what he's up to that particular evening?... like when you were dating? He would have to be a Neanderthal not to love that. I know I would. And if he's willing to slow down long enough to explain a thing or two to this babe who's asking... you just might be able to turn the radio on and sneak a dance in.
> 
> ...



Thanks for replying. I have heard this before, I should make the first move, I should take interest in what he is doing etc..
BUT...the truth is I am resentful.. I am. We have 3 kids. It breaks my heart when they ask him do something or ask him where he is going and his response is "Working on my car/truck" etc.. First I feel sad, then I get resentful..Its really just a vicious circle for me...I know he works two jobs, I know he is entitled to his time, and his hobbies...I know he is not at the bars getting drunk, so yes I know that is a positive
Its hard for me to make the first move, when asked to simple things with just me, or the kids and the answer is always the same


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## bluedano (Mar 25, 2008)

Yes, it's easy for us to read a short post and over simplify your situation. Let me ask you this (and perhaps you mentioned it in your other posts about his hobbies/obsessions) how long have you been married? Was it like this from the start? Or has his behavior changed slowly over the years?

I can totally understand how you could feel resentful - if not for yourself, especially for your children. And now that I better understand where you're coming from, I don't think it unreasonable to tell him that you and the kids really need a couple nights a week to be 'car free family nights'. Like you said; working on a truck at home is by no means as bad as running around with the boys drinking. But while it might not cause quite the same physical or mental damage, it is still estranging him from his family. 

He needs to decide whether or not he wants to be a family man, or, esentially a single guy. It's not enough to pay for the house and the groceries. You might as well keep a stable of animals. So depending on how things have been in the past you might be able to ask him... "remember when we used to hang out?...how fun that was?...I need to hang out with you." On the other hand; the "Are you a married man, or are you a single guy?!" approach has embarrassed me into behaving like I should. I'm not suggesting you go there, just sayin' it's worked on me before.

Both my brother and I have hobbies which can keep us in the garage for hours on end - motorcycles, bicycles and such. And both of us sort of negotiate 'garage credits' by completing household projects and taking time out for our spouces. Foot rubs are my most valuable currency. But we both are able to specify what we're doing and how long it will take. Now I know one can't necessarily put a time table on restoring a truck. But one can certainly quantify the various steps involved. 

Just a couple suggestions I rally hope your man might be open to.

DanO


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## bluebird (Mar 17, 2008)

Bluedano, thanks so much for responding again to my post. Sometimes it helps just to vent, and to hear others opinions, because honestly I feel like I am in the wrong for getting upset.

I know some may read my posts and think how selfish I am, or maybe feel I am just being immature about it. Who knows maybe I am...:scratchhead:

To answer some of your questions.. We have been married 14 1/2 yrs. We were both 29 when we got married, so were not young. Was he like this at first? Well when we met I was still living at home with my parents..(I know, I was very old to be living with them..but hey I was the youngest, I worked fulltime , paid my own bills...we all lived peacefull together)At that time my husband was in the Navy. The base was about 25 miles from where I lived. So sure he talked about cars, and that his grandfather use to rebuild them, and how he use to spend a lot of time with his grandfather etc...A lot of males talk about cars, but I didnt know what the future would hold.

When we first moved here, he was going to Navy school and I was working. So we had evenings together..then a couple of months later, his school hrs were changed from 3-10..I hardly saw him then, he got his first inkling on what he wanted to do, build a jeep from ground up...So you probably know where I am going here...at this time I was pregnant with my first. We lived in a new state, I had no friends. On weekends,. that is what he did, from sun up to sun down. He would change clothes and we would go to dinner or whatever, but as soon as we were home back at it. I remember walking the neighborhood, just me and my dog.. I remember going to malls, baby stores, BY MYSELF....because after all, it is his hobby...that was 14 yrs ago, and not much has changed. He rebuilds things, sells them, buys things for cheap, rebuilds them, drives them, or sells them... it hasnt stopped.

Many times, I have felt he would be much happier being a single guy... He sais he loves his family. I believe he loves me and the kids... I dont believe this is how a family should be. I mean yes I know there are A LOT of dift types of families,and what is normal for one, is not for another vice versa...

Now after reading my posts, I dont expect to be by myside every free moment he has. NEVER have I thought this, but he is so far from the other extreme..

There are times I purposely leave the house when he is home and say "Im going to such and such and Im not taking any kids"... i do this to FORCE to come inside and take care of his kids...BUT...now its sort of backfired, because my husband now has my 14 yr old son watch the 3 yr if I leave the house. That is so not fair to him.. Sometimes I invite my 14 yr old to go out with me to the store or wherever just saw he is not stuck taking care of his baby sister because his father is too busy...

I could go on and on...but I wrote enough.
Just want to leave you with todays plans. He works until noon today. Before work today, he informed me that after work there was a car show at some dealership down the road, and that is where he was going for a few hrs...the heck with the rest of the family...that is what he was going to do today..And I am the crazy one:scratchhead:


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## Immortalone (Mar 5, 2008)

Sounds like you are looking for a quick change on a habbit that has been going on for years. He is in a rut, he is confratable in this rut. Some were along the line you will have to put your foot down or continue in this rut. Want to give him a wake up call. On one of your kids next birthdays have them give dad a present instead. Sit down with them, make up a coupon book that says on this day each week we will do this, the next week we will do that and so on. I would bet he would get the point real fast that he is not spending quality time with you or the kids then. Just a thought.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Sometimes you have to draw lines in the sand so to speak. My wife plays WoW for hours even at the neglect of the house, or her college work. But we had a long talk then when it was to be "our" time or "family" time then that was shut off.

SHe still gets plenty of time to do what she wants, I still get time with her.

draconis


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## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

I'm only answering your question of how much time we spend together...

my husband is a truck driver. In case you know nothing about truck drivers, he can drive up to 11 hours/day, and work up to 14 hours/day, then under certain circumstances, occasionally he can work up to 16 hours/day. Then he takes a mere 10 hours off from his job and can go back in for another 14 hours, ten off, etc. After working 60 hours, he has to take 34 hours off. 

I'm not saying he works this hard year round, as his job is somewhat seasonal, so in the summer he does work those hours, winter it slows down some. And please don't think he works a set schedule, b/c that NEVER happens. One day he'll go in at 6 PM, another day he'll go in at 12 AM, another day at noon, etc, very chaotic. Ten hours off is not much, considering he has to sleep for some of that time. We have an 11 yo daughter who plays softball and is in dance. He plays softball on two teams. After all this, I have some time with him. Somehow we manage to make time for each other every week. We always go grocery shopping together (wierd kind of spending time together, but we enjoy it), and we always go to lunch one day/week together. That's just an unwritten "our time" rule. I attend his softball games with him as much as I can. We just make time for each other. If I don't get a certain amount of quality time with him every week, I begin to miss him, then we need to double up on the quality of the time. But we're making it work. You just have to set your mind to it and make it happen.


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## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

The only people who know the answer to that is you and your spouse. Let me give you a little example. My daughter always said that she never wanted to be as close to her husband as her dad and I was. We could probably be called symbiotic, because any time we have to spend apart is hurtful. We like to be together all the time, touching if possible. She and her husband are well suited to each other and busy in all kinds of different ways, so being together all the time is not something they would like. To each his own, and the only normal is what's normal to you.


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## onthego (Apr 10, 2008)

I can understand where both of you are coming from but I will be honest and tell you that even though he is the bread winner, that doesn't give him the right to spend every ounce of free time working on his projects. 

When it comes down to cherishing and valuing your partner it sounds like he is neglecting you. Even though he is the bread winner you deserve more time with him. Quite frankly I have come to learn that handling the kids is a job all in itself and though it may not "bring a paycheck home" you are still doing a job that I dare say, most men wouldn't want to even think about.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I'm with Drac on this one, My wife is a computer person as well and neglects the house, plus having three kids.....you have to make the time.

We also go on "dates" as well, it's fun.

But we are taking a break from Dates because I am finishing off our basement...BUT after framming it out, I ahd my wife help me put up the sheet rock (60 sheets) yes big basement. then I "mudded and sanded the gaps" my wife is a good painter, so what I did was, Mud and sand a room, while I did the next one, she would put a coat of wall primer/sealer for me on the finished room. 

So we worked together and the goal is to finish the basement and have a party.

But Creat time, take interest in your husbands hobbies....He may just be looking for a way to re-connect with you, alot of times mothers get engulfed with the children and the husband delves into hobbies in order to do something with the time....that he would have spent with his wife.

Find an activity you both enjoy and do it together.


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