# MArried/together long time - surely its not all perfect?



## bob1471

Together 25+ years. MArried almost 20.

Its obviously not like it was all those years ago. Generally we get on great 95% of the time but those 5%.

The rest of you who've been married a long time. Whats it like? Is this normal? Do you learn to live with your partners 5% things that annoy you?

At times my wife is a complete nightmare but hey 25 years. Am I just looking for perfection which is not realistic?

We've been through ups and downs over the years but always stayed together. Should I just ride out the downs now knowing that it's likely to be up again soon like in the past?

My problem is I cant help dwelling and expecting it all to be perfect.


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## NWCooper

What are the downs? Just generally not getting along or something specific? 

I've been married thirty years. While I always love my husband sometimes I don't like him much. This generally has to do with some unhappiness in my life and he can get on my nerves, just because anything right then grates on me. Sometimes he does specific things that irritate me, nobody's perfect after all. 

I would say if 95% of your married life is happy, that is pretty good. It just depends on what that 5% of unhappiness is based on. Sometimes that 5% CAN be a deal breaker.


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## Blondilocks

Getting on great 95% of the time is doing super well. Ride out the 5% because you know from experience that the ride will end.

Now, if you're saying that you like 95% of your partner but 5% of her traits/habits annoy the bejeebers out of you then that is something you need to determine is a dealbreaker. Are these 5% of traits/habits causing the not getting along 5% of the time?

Is this 5% a hill you want to die on? If not, then accept that your marriage is not perfect and likely never will be because there are two non-perfect humans involved. Celebrate the 95% because, frankly, it's damn near perfect. Any more so, and you would die from boredom.


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## Happilymarried25

I think 95% is great. You really can't expect 100% There are always going to be some thing about one and other that gets on each other nerves. Now if that 5% is emotional or physically abuse then that is a major deal. 

I have been married for 26 years and there are some things about my husband that irritate me but I accept it, don't try to change him and don't bring it up. There is no point in rehashing the same subject again and again. I think that's when a lot of fights happen when couples try to change each other.


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## SimplyAmorous

I also feel *95%* is wonderful !! 

It speaks of a 5 to 1 ratio in Good times vs conflict -from Author John Gottman, marriage relationship researcher....



> *The 5 to 1 Ratio in Marriage Conflicts
> *
> According to Gottman, negative interactions are balanced by positive ones in stable marriages. The dynamics of the balance between negativity and positivity are what separate contented couples from discontented ones.
> 
> In stable marriages, there is a very specific ratio, 5 to 1, between the amount of positive feelings and interactions and negative interactions. In contrast, couples who are likely to divorce, have too little positive interactions to compensate for the for the rising negativity in their marriages.
> 
> According to Gottman , positivity must outweigh negativity 5 to 1, whether couples have intense fights or avoid conflicts completely. There are successful adjustments in these marriages that keep the couples together. Low level of conflicts between couples does not necessarily indicate marital happiness. On the other hand, it seems the intensity of the argument between some couples brings out the true color in their marriages.


I did a thread on this idea of perfection once...








http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...t-but-beauty-can-found-our-imperfections.html


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## Decorum

bob1471 said:


> My problem is I cant help dwelling and expecting it all to be perfect.


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## meson

In our marriage as well we have difficult times but the good outweighs the bad. I think 95% is fine as it seems to match our rate also. As long as there is respect and love and a majority of good times it shouldn't be a problem.


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## Young at Heart

bob1471 said:


> Together 25+ years. MArried almost 20.
> 
> Its obviously not like it was all those years ago. Generally we get on great 95% of the time but those 5%.
> 
> ...Do you learn to live with your partners 5% things that annoy you?
> 
> At times my wife is a complete nightmare but hey 25 years. Am I just looking for perfection which is not realistic?
> 
> ..Should I just ride out the downs now knowing that it's likely to be up again soon like in the past?....


I will answer differently. It depends on how bad the 5% is.

I was in a sex starved marriage, what tipped me over the edge was when my wife's anger at me, finally turned into her trying to humiliate and/or emotionally hurt me when I was at my most vulnerable times (i.e. after on rare occasion every few months when we had sex, she would immediately pick a fight with me to regain emotional distance). I would orgams feel close to her, cuddle, and then a few minutes later she would emotionally rip my heart out and destroy all feelings of closeness.

It became so predictable I told her that I wasn't going to have sex with her for 3 months unless she changed how she treated me. The 3 months came and went and she gloated at how it didn't bother her at all. I discovered MW Davis SSM and Glover's NMMNG and some other relationship books, I worked out in the gym, lost weight, started dressing better and then she became curious. We got help from a sex therapist and did a Gottman weekend (the 5 to 1 thing is based on real science).

Ultimately when faced with a divorce if she didn't change and no one to blame but herself, she choose to participate in saving our marriage.

Been married now close to 44 years. Some of the years were horrible, some were tolerable, and some were spectacular. Even in the bad times, I still loved her with all my heart.

So no it is not all perfect and some of it can be downright soul wrenching. It the 95/5 ratio is correct and the 5% isn't too bad, you are a lucky man.


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## jorgegene

NWCooper said:


> What are the downs? Just generally not getting along or something specific?
> 
> I've been married thirty years. While I always love my husband sometimes I don't like him much. This generally has to do with some unhappiness in my life and he can get on my nerves, just because anything right then grates on me. Sometimes he does specific things that irritate me, nobody's perfect after all.
> 
> I would say if 95% of your married life is happy, that is pretty good. It just depends on what that 5% of unhappiness is based on. Sometimes that 5% CAN be a deal breaker.


this is almost exactly what my mom told me about ten years ago.
they have been married now 65 years (it will be 66 in june)

mom mom was talking to me and said; " I tell your father 'i don't always like you, but i'll always love you'".

My mom and dad have had a somewhat stormy relationship.
FAR from ideal. the 5:1 thing, Id say more like 3:2.
But, no major stuff like infidelity or physical abuse or alcohol abuse. Just a lot of argumentation and getting on each others nerves. a lot over the years. and my dad pouts and my mom hates that. but she knows he's a good man.


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## Blondilocks

It seems OP is busy dwelling on his problems and can't be bothered to return to this thread.


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## jb02157

If you have it 95% good then you have no reason to complain. You wanna trade places with me and have 0% and just waiting for the best time to get a divorce?


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## SunnyWife

I would agree that 95% is good. Expecting perfection is just setting yourself up for failure when really 95% is a great success rate.

I would say the my current marriage is near perfection but certainly not 100%. Perfection is over-rated. We are all different and getting on each other's nerves will happen. My Hubby is very impatient and drives me nuts but it is who he is. Change him and I would wonder what happened to him and want the real him back.


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## tonygunner007

95% is excellent. A lot of couples will do anything to have a rating close to that. 100% is rare - that is, if it exists. No human is perfect. So that is to be expected.

The trick is to focus more on the 95% and accept the 5%. Yes. "acceptance" is the keyword.


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## Married but Happy

95% is phenomenal - unless that 5% consists of deal-breaker issues.

No couple is going to agree 100% on everything, or like everything about each other. There are things you'll never compromise on, and you simply learn to accept (and mostly overlooks) these differences and emphasize the good, instead.


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## Jeffyboy

Man 95% is FANTASTIC. 

I would think most marriages on average are 50/50 which corresponds to the divorce rate...sadly.


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## arabian

Listen...you are only human, and you are right to be worried about that 5% if it is something that bugs you to death. One thing that use to drive me nuts is clutter. I absolutely couldn't stand it, and my ex had no intentions of even trying to curb this.....this was not the reason I ended the relationship, but it was one issue that bugged me.

In relation to this story, here is someone that was married for 30yrs and I guess it just goes to show that duration is not an indication of happiness. How else do you explain the failure after 30yrs?

http://www.ctvnews.ca/business/rise-...ors_picks=true




bob1471 said:


> Together 25+ years. MArried almost 20.
> 
> Its obviously not like it was all those years ago. Generally we get on great 95% of the time but those 5%.
> 
> The rest of you who've been married a long time. Whats it like? Is this normal? Do you learn to live with your partners 5% things that annoy you?
> 
> At times my wife is a complete nightmare but hey 25 years. Am I just looking for perfection which is not realistic?
> 
> We've been through ups and downs over the years but always stayed together. Should I just ride out the downs now knowing that it's likely to be up again soon like in the past?
> 
> My problem is I cant help dwelling and expecting it all to be perfect.


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## Kitt

I find that letting go of things I can't change evens up my thoughts on my marriage. It is always good, but can be improved through compassion and equanimity.


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## MarriedDude

95% is pretty damned good. 

That there is the 5% is really proof of the fragility of Marriage and the 95% is the proof of its resilience and what makes it beautiful.


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## Kitt

MarriedDude said:


> 95% is pretty damned good.
> 
> That there is the 5% is really proof of the fragility of Marriage and the 95% is the proof of its resilience and what makes it beautiful.


Nice...well said! Like poetry, only practical.... :grin2:


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## UMP

It depends on what the 5% is.
In other words, certain things can be annoying, but acceptable. Other things may be deal breakers.

For myself, I can put up with quite a bit of shiit if I'm getting enthusiastic regular sex. On the other hand, my wife could be Mother Teresa in all aspects of our interaction 99.99999% of the time, but if I ain't getting any, it would be intolerable.


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## happy as a clam

PLEASE CLARIFY. WHAT IS THE "OTHER" 5%???

It's all good, UNLESS the other 5% is sexual problems.

Like they say, when sex is good it's only 10% of the problem. When sex is bad, it's 90% of the problem...

We need more info...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Umoja

That argument about dirty dishes left in the sink you had with your roommate back in college? It was about dirty dishes.

That argument about dirty dishes left in the sink you had with your wife last night? Not so much.


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## bob1471

Sorry I haven't replied. Sort of lost this post somehow.

Thanks for all the advice. Some great ideas too.


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## bob1471

The other 5% is mainly her general moodiness and temper mainly. Sometimes it's so bad I think she's nuts.

Also we do tend to irritate each other at times.

But saying that most of the time we are soul mates. Prob would both admit we could not be without each other. 

Although sex life is not great ?


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## Young at Heart

bob1471 said:


> The other 5% is mainly her general moodiness and temper mainly. Sometimes it's so bad I think she's nuts.
> 
> Also we do tend to irritate each other at times.
> 
> But saying that most of the time we are soul mates. Prob would both admit we could not be without each other.
> 
> Although sex life is not great ?


You might look into a Gottman Institute couples weekend workshop or one of their videos. One of the things it taught me was that my wife will "emotionally flood" on some topics. When that happens her fight or flight instinct kicks in and the part of her brain that can reason and discuss things just shuts down. It stays shut down for at least half an hour. 

When that happens we need to take a time out and further discussion is pointless as I am in a discussion with someone who isn't listening.

There is science behind emotional flooding and it is sometime hard to recognize. You might do some introspection to see if this might be part of your 5% problems.

Good luck


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