# Don't know how to handle this.....



## lectral (Nov 7, 2013)

About a week ago, my wife told me that she was not sexually attracted to me, and really hasn't been at all during out 7 year relationship (5.5 years dating, 1.5 years married).

Obviously, I took this very hard, and have been a wreck since. Now, I realize, i'm not exactly a Casanova in the bed, however, she never brought it up, and I assumed everything was alright.

I took what she said very personal, and feel extremely hurt, for several reasons, but my confidence/self-esteem is pretty much gone, and am having trouble getting over it. I've had some crying sessions, and work is very difficult to get through.

She says that she wants to work on things to make this marriage work, however, I can almost feel an awkwardness or distance growing between us. I realize to make things better in the bedroom, I first must get a hold of myself, however, I'm having troubles. All, I can think of is the negative thoughts that we are going to get divorced. I have never had a doubt in my marriage ever, until that day, and now I can't get it out of my head.

Any advice?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes. 1st dont let her opinion cloud you own self worth or attractiveness. 
2nd dont cry in front of her and dont be needy.
3rd start working out. You will feel better about yourself
4th Be strong and confident act as though you will be fine either way
5th What ever you do dont beg her to love you or stay with you.

I hope this helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lectral (Nov 7, 2013)

She has already seen me cry a couple of times, however, I did realize that it probably isn't helping, so I have done it when she isn't around.

I'm actually going to go back to my hometown to see my parents for a few days to clear my head, and sort of 'reboot'. I assume my wife is going to take the free time to do the same. She says she wants to work on things, but it just doesn't feel that way. I'm worried. Not only about us, but also being on my own again after so long.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

lectral said:


> About a week ago, my wife told me that she was not sexually attracted to me, and really hasn't been at all during out 7 year relationship (5.5 years dating, 1.5 years married).
> 
> Obviously, I took this very hard, and have been a wreck since. Now, I realize, i'm not exactly a Casanova in the bed, however, she never brought it up, and I assumed everything was alright.
> 
> ...


There are books that can help you understand your self esteem issues. Married mans married sex life primer I think is the one I hear about the most for this type of topic. No more mr nice guy is another that may suit you pretty well.
You are allowing her portrait of you to define who you think you are and that is a big issue. You can be who you want, but are not stuck as the person she claim or portrays.
For a spouse to be constructive about the others appearance and help them is one thing, to say what she said to you is another IMO. It tells me she values you very little, at least your feelings. Saying you need to be more attractive might hurt but it gives you direction. Saying I have never found you attractive ever in 7 years is meant to hurt you. Why does she want to hurt you? I assure you there is a reason, and often times that reason is deflection of their own feelings of themselves. Like she is re-writing the past so she can justify her present. Is she faithful? Is she talking to anyone that is making her feel like a teenager again? These are reasons that men hear these types of things. It is a way for a cheater to justify what they are doing. May or may not be the case. Something is driving her to say hurtful things though. There is a motivation there.
Counseling would be of good help for the both of you. I would recommend finding a good MC (may have to try a few out). 
Starting to better yourself for you (not her) is vital right now.
If you want to flip the switch mentally, the best way is to flip it physically. Exercise will make you feel better, look better, meet people, get away from your wife for a bit, and just generally help you to better yourself. You will begin to deliver a better product to the marriage and if she still is not happy with you, then you have a decision to make at that point. You cannot nice your way to her liking you better, and the moping while understandable, is only feeding your own self pity. If you want her or any woman to really see you as good in bed, you need to exude some confidence. If you show her how weak she has made you feel, right now, it will only make you less attractive to her.


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## Self Help (Oct 22, 2013)

Sorry you are here. My question to her is why would she marry you if there wasnt an attraction? Please dont take her actions or words to heart. If she is hurting inside, I am sure that she is feeling the need to hurt you for some reason. She has hurt you with her words. The fact that she said that she wants to work on your marriage could possibly mean that she does love you and that its really not that bad but she wants you to wake up and see that there are somthings that are bothering her about the relationsip. She might not think that your relationship is as good as you think it is. I would seek some counseling and as long as her requests are reasonable, work with her.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Many of spouses in coping with infidelity section later found another person was in there life they didn't know about. Women tend to not be attracted to multiple partners. Not certain you have looked in to this... To justify, one of the partners may say, "I've never really loved him/her" "We just aren't compatible" etc... Really this is just a way to ease their mind from the wrong they are doing.

To what you are saying. Least she is willing to work on this... Make a plan and do it....just saying they will, but not really is just a way to make you hush.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

OP - What age group are you both in?

I find it very hard to believe that she hasn't been sexually attracted to him for many years without there being someone else she is sexually attracted to outside the marriage


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## MrHappyHat (Oct 24, 2012)

Rewriting history is a common theme for women wishing to justify how they are feeling.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

pierrematoe said:


> OP - What age group are you both in?
> 
> I find it very hard to believe that she hasn't been sexually attracted to him for many years without there being someone else she is sexually attracted to outside the marriage


Pieerematoe,

I see your .signature...

Back when my episodes that brought me onto TAM started up in 2007 I was able to count almost down to the exact number the times we had sex, because it was so infrequent. Before 2007 I got it almost every day and sometimes twice in a day especially on a weekend.

After May 2007 in which I had the WAS blowout situation... It was very spotty. I'm out of that sitaution now, but in retrospect I realize my EX wasted and stole the second half of my years in my thirties and now I'm 42.

I'm in better shape than I ever was in my 30's, I feel better, I'm ready to be that sexual bull again. I mean you get to a point where you look at the picture and realize that's not the way you want to live, and you do something about it.

Sorry you've gone over one complete year without any sexual activity. It's a terrible sign. Even if they have a physical anomoly there is other things they can do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds a lot like ILYBNILWY to me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrHappyHat said:


> Rewriting history is a common theme for women wishing to justify how they are feeling.


It's alot of people who do it, I don't blame women. But people who are political tend to massage a viewpoint to reflect how they want it to appear.


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## chuckawu (Nov 7, 2013)

I'm worried. Not only about us, but also being on my own again after so long.


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## pierrematoe (Sep 6, 2013)

treyvion said:


> Pieerematoe,
> 
> I see your .signature...
> 
> ...


Don't mean to hijack this thread....but Thanks Treyvion. I'm taking your words to heart. Appreciate ya!


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

What do you think suddenly caused her to make this announcement?


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> What do you think suddenly caused her to make this announcement?


:iagree: This needs to be asked and YOU need to be confident in the honesty of the reponse.

In one way I feel she has been, not to beat about the bush here, lying to you for 7 years. If there was an issue throughout this time and especially in the past married years and she hasnt made any attempt to help you know that there are likes and dislikes of hers then WHY?. Surely if she is/was in love she would at least say lets do it like this or do it like that or at thr very least groan a bit to show you that what your doing is right.

In this she has to take a bit bite out of the humble pie(IMO). This area is one that guys can be destroyed within seconds. That is because all the way through she has not confided in you at all.

At this stage you are naturally feeling "unsafe", I suspect that youve had some thought as to why suddenly "its all wrong" and what was the catalist for this suddern announcement.

Now you have to practice questions that she must at the very least answer. You have to stand firm and get the responses , even if they are going to hurt a little (or alot).
Yes, you are showing signs of shock and to a degree anxiety. Thats clear by the reference to thinking she may want out.

If she wants to work on the marridge - good. BUT, you now need to have an "all on the table" talk. If ther are issues that shes hiding you want these. She also msut hear yours and if its a case that one of those issues is "have you or are you checking out of this maridge", you need the truth else why put effort in to a relationship which someone is planning to back out of.

Hard to do and easy to say, keep calm, keep control and keep mindful.


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## soulseer (Jul 26, 2013)

ClimbingTheWalls said:


> What do you think suddenly caused her to make this announcement?


^^ this...

...and Why did she choose to become involved with someone she did not desire physically?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

There are two possibilities here. First, your wife is telling the truth. She was never attracted to you. If that's true, that your wife is the kind of woman who will date a man for years, then marry him, without ever being attracted to him, then she is a psychopath. Her only concern is one of using you for her benefit. While these women do exist, they are rare.

The second, more likely, possibility, is that your wife is rationalizing the way she feels right now by rewriting history and insisting that she has always felt this way. Perhaps she is having an affair, or considering it. Perhaps she has simply stopped being attracted to you and is considering leaving you. A normal person might feel guilty if she turned away from her nice guy husband in favor of another man. But what if she was never really into you? Well that becomes much more understandable. Hell, she's a hero for sticking it out as long as she did. She's not a bad guy.

She how attractive that rationalization can become?

My advice is not to take it too personally. Go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the Marriage Action Plan (MAP) as soon as you can.

Also, check into the 180.
The Healing Heart: The 180

Good luck.


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## lectral (Nov 7, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your input. I'm going to visit some family for a couple of days to sort of reset, and it will also give her time as well.

Hopefully, when I get back, we can start working on things, since she is saying that she still wants this marriage to work. In the meantime, I'm going to look for the material you have suggested I read.

Thanks.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

PHTlump said:


> There are two possibilities here. First, your wife is telling the truth. She was never attracted to you. If that's true, that your wife is the kind of woman who will date a man for years, then marry him, without ever being attracted to him, then she is a psychopath.


Not necessarily. It's also possible that she is a lesbian and in denial, and/or married him as a way to keep herself in the closet. That has happened as well. 

Lectrel,

I often recommend counseling, but if she is telling the truth, it won't help here. You can't counsel someone into being attracted to you. 

It's fine that she said she wants the marriage to work, but without attraction, your marriage will be as friends instead of lovers. Are you prepared to live that way? I certainly wouldn't.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Theseus said:


> Not necessarily. It's also possible that she is a lesbian and in denial, and/or married him as a way to keep herself in the closet. That has happened as well.


It has happened. But I contend that any woman with such a lack of empathy for her husband is still a psychopath. Just a lesbian psychopath.

But I agree that, however you want to label it, if she never had any attraction for the OP, there is little hope of generating any at this point. He must accept it, or not.


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## Aule (Aug 20, 2012)

lectral said:


> Thank you everyone for your input. I'm going to visit some family for a couple of days to sort of reset, and it will also give her time as well.
> 
> Hopefully, when I get back, we can start working on things, since she is saying that she still wants this marriage to work. In the meantime, I'm going to look for the material you have suggested I read.
> 
> Thanks.


One other thing I should mention. The feelings you are going through would be normal if you and she were in a Jewish marriage. The matchmaker selects for compatible personality characteristics, love is completely disregarded before the marriage, and is expected to grow over time, if it ever does.

It's one reason I'm Jewish but never wanted to marry a Jewish girl. I'd be in exactly the same boat you are.. picked for 'sterling character' rather than 'passionately desireable.'


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