# Getting past the infidelity



## Smilebecauseihaveto (Mar 16, 2016)

My husband and I have only been married for 6 months and I recently found out that he has been having this secret relationship with a girl he works with. He says they have been texting and snap chatting for about a month and has been to her place once but nothing happened. She's married as well. What I'm struggling with is getting over the lies that he told me. It all unfolded during a five day process where I saw he had been on snap chat with her. And he said she was just a friend. And then I found a note in his car that said I love you in another woman's handwriting. And he claimed he had no idea where it came from. And finally I checked the phone log online and when I saw the hundreds of texts messages between the two of them, he decided to tell me the truth. Or what I assume to be the truth. I may not be the perfect wife but I can't help but blame myself for not seeing this coming. He tells me he wants to work it out because he loves me. And even if he didn't do anything physical with this girl he emotionally cheated on me. And they still work together. I feel so disrespected that he lied to me over and over until I had physical proof that something was going on. And if nothing happened between the two of them, why is this girl telling him. She loves him? I love the man and his two children, from a previous relationship and have given up so much for them. I feel like I've been slapped in the face. I don't know how long it will take for me to trust him or if I'll ever be able to. And we had planned to have children together and I don't know if I'll ever get there again with him with this betrayal. Help...please


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You won't be able to trust him for as long as he's lying.

And he IS lying.

Expose the affair to her husband.


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## Smilebecauseihaveto (Mar 16, 2016)

I did. And he told me that I wasn't right to do that and that we needed to focus on our marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Smilebecauseihaveto said:


> I did. And he told me that I wasn't right to do that and that we needed to focus on our marriage.


You were absolutely right to do that. He had a right to know that his wife was (and maybe even still IS) cheating on him.

Either way, him telling you this says a lot about his resounding lack of character and integrity.

How did the two of you meet?

How much do you know about the end of his first marriage (or previous marriages)? That's assuming, of course, that he's been married before.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"He has been over to her place once and nothing happened" Okay, did he walk into the place, walk through the door, not talk to her and then walk out?

Otherwise, he must have done something with her, this in the old days was called courting (building the emotional connection) .

He went there for a reason. She let him in for a reason. Something happened while they were together there. Maybe not physically but emotionally.

He needs to break off all contact with her.

Write a NC letter to her

Inform her husband of what has happened EXPOSE

You two need to find a GOOD MC if you want to save your marriage and go.

Also, plan for the worst. He has a lot of Heavy lifting to do and he may not be up to it.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

You have to leave it 100% up to him to end the affair.  It isn't worth your mental and emotional energy and it will only lower the chances that this has a good outcome.

First, you have to realize that this has nothing to do with you. 

Rather than exposing it to the world, and continual monitoring, you are better advised to leaving him to take 100% responsibility, both for his actions and the solution. There is likely too much risk for them to continue to work together. Even if they end it, it has the risk of flaring back up, whether or not your relationship is blissful with him.

You've already told him all that you know. He has admitted to what you "know". Now it is time to put the burden on him. Yes, even tell him that you won't monitor him.

You can get over the pain and move on from this, but now is the time for him to show up to the relationship. No words. *ACTION*. He can't talk his way out of this, he has to expend actual energy. After you do these steps, you must immediately focus on healing your wounds.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Sorry Gus, you were faster than me on your post.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Your H needs to find another job immediately.

He needs to be totally transparent and prove NC with her.

Do you really want to work on this?

He isn't a good bet. If he went over to her place, Where was her husband?

They had sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

6 months is still the honeymoon/ bliss stage of a relationship. If he is doing this already, that is a very very bad sign 

My Opinion: The way to get past infidelity in this case is to get out of the relationship and get over him. The good news is you only wasted 6 months. If I was you, I wouldn't have kids with him.

IME once a cheater, always a cheater and it escalates. If you have kids with him they are stuck with him as their father and role model (my ex is 60 and extremely promiscuous- more than he has ever been even as a teenager)

VERY IMPORTANT: Get individual counseling and get your "man picker" fixed before getting into any other relationships. IME there's baggage that influences the "picker"


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## Smilebecauseihaveto (Mar 16, 2016)

We met working together as well. And I think that's part of what is hard for me. All I can thing about is the way we were with each other at work. And although we don't work together any more, it makes me sick to my stomach to know he might be the same with someone else there. He has never been married before but has had previous infidelity with the mother of his children.


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## Smilebecauseihaveto (Mar 16, 2016)

Her husband is in the military and is currently deployed so that's why he isn't home.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Smilebecauseihaveto said:


> My husband and I have only been married for 6 months and I recently found out that he has been having this secret relationship with a girl he works with.
> 
> *If he would cheat on you this early in the marriage, the odds are overwhelming he will do it again.*
> 
> ...



First, I'm sorry you're here.

But there are a number of factors working against you to reconcile with your husband.

- He physically cheated on you when you should be in the honeymoon phase of your marriage.

- He's lying about it not being physical.

- He's lying about not knowing about the note. He's lying about going to her place and nothing happened. To the point of insulting your intelligence. 

- They still work together.

The lies demonstrate he is not remorseful. And if he refuses to quit his job, that would be another indication. But even if he corrected the last three, it's hard to get past the first one. So soon in your marriage.

My advice is to cut your losses before you waste more years and have children with this man. Not what you wanted to hear I'm sure; but sorry, that's how I see it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This guy is apparently a committed cheater.

It really doesn't look good.

Will he find another job?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RosaParks (Jan 4, 2016)

smile,

I am so sorry! It is unbelievably sad that within 6 months of marriage, you find proof of an EA and with virtual certainty, a PA. 

Like Gus, RR & Conan say, "He is still lying!" He has only admitted to what he got caught with and says nothing else happened. Not a chance of that being true after hundreds of text messages and her leaving love notes. I wanted to think that was true, so I tried to believe my WH, but my gut was telling me otherwise. I should have listened sooner, but many, including our MC, said it was over and I had to believe it. A low point was sinking to the floor in MC's office saying I know he is still in this affair and MC and WH looking at me like I was crazy. Well, I wasn't! Don't believe anyone telling you that he is finished with the affair until you see constant proof and actions WITHOUT having to beg for reassurances. As RT said, let him do the work with actions. 

In the meantime, prepare yourself for the worst, get a handle on your finances and really think about his ongoing honesty. 

Are there other hints as to what may have been foreshadowed about his integrity? 

Did they work together before you were married? 

How long did you know your now husband? 

Any chance this relationship has been going on for longer than you've been married? 

Do his kids live with you? If so, don't take on all the responsibility of them. Let HIM be responsible taking them places, doing things with them, etc. Don't make it convenient or easy for him to slip away. 

So sorry for this heartache in what should be the best time of your life.


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

I will start by saying that I am normally a proponent of reconciliation. I say this because of what human nature is. The reality is that we all make mistakes, some more egregious than others, but eventually we all make mistakes.

To throw away years of happiness and the foundation of your lives because of a lapse in judgement and a mistake is like a nuclear response to being threatened with a pistol. I realize that some betrayals are more heinous than others and I wouldn't ever be so ignorant as to say that reconciliation is always possible but I do believe that it is possible most times if both parties are forgiving and can accept their roles in the crime.

With that being said I have to say that if this is happening in the "honeymoon phase" as others have pointed out, than I don't see a happy ending to this story ten years down the road.

Save yourself some time and a whole lot of heartache and move on now, this is not going to get better. He has cheated in the past with the women in his life before you and he has already started with you. He will continue to do it on you or the women in his life long after you leave. 

My word of advice to him is simple, come to terms with what you are and accept that role but be honest. Be open with potential partners and start focusing on Polyamorous relationships and travel in social circles that share these beliefs. He will be happier for it and he will stop leaving behind a trail of broken and damaged people in his wake. 

There is nothing wrong with being polyamorous, as long as you are open about it and in agreement about it with your partners otherwise it is just lying and cheating.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I totally agree - 6 months is WAY WAY WAY too early for him to do this and deserve ANY chance of R. 

You do know he screwed her, right? When he went to her house? Why the hell else was he there?

You need to get tested for STD's.


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

:


bankshot1993 said:


> I will start by saying that I am normally a proponent of reconciliation. I say this because of what human nature is. The reality is that we all make mistakes, some more egregious than others, but eventually we all make mistakes.
> 
> To throw away years of happiness and the foundation of your lives because of a lapse in judgement and a mistake is like a nuclear response to being threatened with a pistol. I realize that some betrayals are more heinous than others and I wouldn't ever be so ignorant as to say that reconciliation is always possible but I do believe that it is possible most times if both parties are forgiving and can accept their roles in the crime.
> 
> ...


I agree get out.

But, despite the inflated claims by sites and authors about the possibility and likelihood of reconciliation, the vast majority of relationships do not survive infidelity, nevermind flourish as some pay for reconciliation sefvices sites clai. Look at non profit motivated research on this. The recovery rate is abysmally low.

Nor do both parties have a " role in the crime", IMO.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Smilebecauseihaveto said:


> Her husband is in the military and is currently deployed so that's why he isn't home.


Oh boy, where do I begin. This is such a unique dynamic, with hubby gone and his lonely W with the work spouse.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

You are only married for 6 months so you should really think about ending this Marriage. 
There is a lot of good man who will respect and love you.

Your husband will do this again and again and it will hurt you even more because 4-5 years from now on you will have kids together.

Divorce him and Expose them. Military husband really needs to know.

Stay strong.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Smile milady, this may be a situation where you need to simply cash out and walk away. Unless you can look at the marriage and identify some problem such as you routinely refusing "affection" or out running up credit card bills, he sounds like a guy that's always going to want something on the side. 
At least if he goes, you're not saddled with a couple of little hellions to raise and keep up.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Expose the affair to the other woman's significant other. 

Go see a lawyer and find out to what amount of money you will be able to take your husband to the cleaners for, and then write it out and give him the numbers... 

Hubby Loverboy doesn't care about you or the kids at the moment. He WILL care when he sees how much of his paycheck will go towards spousal maintenance and child support.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Smilebecauseihaveto said:


> My husband and I have only been married for 6 months and I recently found out that he has been having this secret relationship with a girl he works with. He says they have been texting and snap chatting for about a month and *has been to her place once but nothing happened*.
> 
> *I nearly stopped reading at this point. *
> 
> ...


So, he had multiple children with woman but would not marry her. He cheated on her. He has not been married a year and he has cheated on you. I would bet he is not celibate while on deployment either. 

Young lady, I am sorry you are here. It must hurt immensely. I know these words mean nothing to you know, but you have your whole life ahead of you. Believe it or not, from those of us much older and wiser than you, that it is better this happened now rather than after you have kids and put 10 years or more into the marriage.

You deserve much better and will find someone worthy of you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

In summary...

Married to a serial cheat for less than 6 months and no kids between you?

RUN.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> In summary...
> 
> Married to a serial cheat for less than 6 months and no kids between you?
> 
> RUN.


See a lawyer YESTERDAY. He or she can give you advice on how to set up things so as to preserve your part of the marriage assets. And that does not include his children.

As as someone else said, get yourself tested for STD's.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Research a think called trickle truth. He is giving you just enough to make you believe you have the truth. But you don't, not all of it. 

Sorry you are here.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry you are here. 

Run, unless you want to have a liar and a cheat as the father of your kids.


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## affaircoach (Jun 4, 2016)

First of all, I am sorry that this has happened to you and your husband. As the betrayal, I can understand why he was lying; he did not want to be caught. However, now that it has been exposed, he needs to be completely honest with you. Trust must be built and it will take some time for this relationship to heal.

With that said, boundaries should be established to protect you and give you peace and comfort. Boundaries are also helpful for him to maintain appropriate distance from this woman.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You are only six months married and he already has an affair. No children in your marriage. Your husband has a history of cheating. In addition, he has children from another woman. See an attorney and annul your marriage. No good will come out of this marriage. You deserve a better life and a better husband than you now have.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

6 months? Look into an annulment and it's time limits in your state.


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