# newlywed and lost attraction to husband



## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

me and my husband have only been married 4 months, i guess its been about a year now that my sexual attraction to him has been getting less, but i loved him and couldnt imagine life without him so i just did it for him. Except lately the idea of having sex with him now repulses me, i cant even kiss him properly anymore. we havent been intimate in 3 months now.
Im not sure how to get the attraction back as he is a good looking guy so its not his appearance. And its only sex with him that repulses me as i have found myself attracted to other guys. Im only early 20's and dont want to settle with a sexless marriage this early in life especially since he is the only guy ive been with. Please help


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Are you harboring any un-aired anger or resentment towards him? Are there things that he does that you don't like, but haven't been dealt with?

A lot of times, resentment towards your SO can cause you to lose any sexual desire for them. Since you state that you find yourself still finding other guys attractive, it gives the impression that this may be the case.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

there are some big issues here. You said yourself that you've been having attraction problems for a year... and for some reason you decided it would still be a good idea to get married?? You should have postponed or called off the wedding before hand until and unless this issue got resolved. The pressures and struggles of marriage don't often make things better, easier or the other person more attractive. Especially if you don't have that to start. Often only the love, commitment and attraction for your partner is what gets you through the low points or hard times... 

But since you are married you owe it to him to work it out or get out. I can't believe he hasn't had a fit from no sex this early in the marriage! See a therapist and figure out what his and your issues are soon.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Did anything happen a year ago that was at the same time as your attraction started dropping? Did you start any new medication (both antidepressants and birth control pills sometimes affect people's sex drive)? Did he lose his job or otherwise suffer a loss of status? Did you get a new job and suddenly have a bunch of hassles and extra stress at work? Was it at the time of your engagement, or moving in together, or something else that affected your relationship?

If something happened a year ago, even if it doesn't seem directly relevant to your sex life, that might be a good thing to start exploring.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

Dryden said:


> Are you harboring any un-aired anger or resentment towards him? Are there things that he does that you don't like, but haven't been dealt with?
> 
> A lot of times, resentment towards your SO can cause you to lose any sexual desire for them. Since you state that you find yourself still finding other guys attractive, it gives the impression that this may be the case.


hes the perfect husband, hes the most loveing kinda guy i have ever knowen and hes been very understanding about the lack of sex. I prob shouldnt have got married but once everything is booked and paid for and your familys are so excited its not easy to get out and especially if you dont know if you really want out or not


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

I am actually going through the same thing, I have been married for 8months, and I am somewhat sexually attractive to him. When we were dating and planning our wedding, the sexual tensions were strong. Now that we got married.. we are lucky if we are intimate.

Did you guys have some issues or arguments in the beginning of your marriage, I emotionally distance myself from him because, we had some issues in the first month of our marraige, he has changed, but deep down.. its hard for me to try to link back that feeling. 

I am at lost to, but maybe its because there no lust after the wedding.. everything goes blah, now that we are married all we do is work, watch tv, games eat and sleep.. if we do go out, its us visitng the fam. and friends.

have u spoken to him about this? maybe a lil getaway might help.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

I think this is pretty normal, marriage is something that takes time...while your In Love it all happens automatic, then when the In Love stage is over people are often in denial..so they tell themselves "we are meant for each other" or "there's a reason why we are together still" or whatever, and they proceed with the wedding anyways, often being frustrated and stressed about all the wedding planning so they think "once we're married, all this stress is going to be over so we'll have time to love each other again" well then comes the wedding, after the wedding people are like "this is it? What now?" and so they go to work, come home, eat, watch TV, go to sleep...there's nothing intimate happening anymore, often couples will resort to divorce, some will go see therapy, often couples will resent each other, blame the other person for how ****ty things have gotten...then one day they see another person whom they get these tingly feelings with, and all of the sudden their excited again because they haven't felt this feeling since they were in love the first time...so at that point we have either divorce, cheating, lots of counceling, or nothing at all...if it's the latter, the marriage goes on only because it's forced, you feel like your in a prison, forced to make things work..forced to love the other person...eventually the husband OR wife decides to care and do something about it..so they resort to either books, friends..or they go on the internet and google search "marriage problems" and thus find themselves surfing through the pages of talkaboutmarriage.com, at that point they realize "****, this is normal, I've gotta work on my marriage" 
So then you get the one spouse who decided to do something about the marriage working extra hard on the marriage, doing what other are suggesting, taking advice from other members and so on....from there on sometimes things take a turn for the better..and sometimes they dont...this is life, it's the way it is....after a few years of marriage we often regret the decision but you dont want to be divorced like everybody else so you decide to work at it...if You could go back in time and change something you would...but that's out of the question...at this point you just gotta do the "agape Love" pretty much agape means just love because you "choose" to love, choose to love the other person without expecting love in return...with time they other person will notice, but you dont do it to expect love in return, you do it because you "CHOOSE TO LOVE" when you CHOOSE TO LOVE you do things for the other person because you know that's the way that they feel Loved, you dont become any body else's bit-ch, but...you do what makes your spouse feel special....in the end you'll feel better because your doing your part...and sometimes the other person will take notice and start returning love the same way..but you cannot expect it.
I'm still working on that...my problem is I expect my Wife to love me back in the way that I feel loved...but it's just not happening, I know she loves me..but she clearly doesn't fully understand my "Love Language" which is "words of admiration, and physical touch"
those are the 2 that she shows love to me the least...she'll cook for me(acts of service), want to spend ours sitting together or taking dogs for walks (quality time) and those things are great, and I do those things with/for her as well because I know that's how she'll feel loved, but...she will not go out of her way to touch me or initiate sex(physical touch) or often she wont care to take notice of things I've done for her or she wont compliment me very often on how I look or what I do (words of admiration)

As some of you may already know, these Love languages are all explained in the book called "5 Languages of Love" it's a great book for anybody married...but...the problem with these book is this...often when we read books on marriage on how we should be to our spouse, without realizing it..we expect our spouse to do these things for us as well...and can make things even more frustrating..at that point do not preach these books to your spouse-a mistake that I made-now she will not even touch a marriage book...
Alright..I know that dont help all that much...mainly I'm just blowin off steam..dont mind me.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kiwigirl said:


> hes the perfect husband, hes the most loveing kinda guy i have ever knowen and hes been very understanding about the lack of sex. I prob shouldnt have got married but once everything is booked and paid for and your familys are so excited its not easy to get out and especially if you dont know if you really want out or not


 Ok, Is he TOOOO nice of a guy, too passive, leaving you looking/desiring for more "excitement" ?? If he is seriously OK with no sex in 3 months, he is beyond understanding. Does he even ask you WHY you are not into him, what is happening, or he just goes along , with anything you want or don't want? 

What kind of men are you attracted too? 

Obviously something is NOT appealing to you about him, you say it is not his looks, so personality? It sounds like he has not done anything to hurt you emotionally. 

He is obvioulsy not feeding some "need" or "desire" you have, can you explain more? 

Sometimes men that are "too nice"- too passive (I married one myself), I do not regret this by the way, but sometimes they are lacking Assertiveness that us women secretly desire & want from our Men. I have struggled with this myself. You really can't change him, but you may be able to find ways that your personalties compliment each other. 


Sounds like you jumped into the marraige though. How long did you date? -- did you ever feel PASSION for him in the sense a woman should for a man? And if so, what do you think got lost ?


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

he is a very very nice guy, hes not a pushover thou he def doesnt let me tell him wot to do or nething. Ive always liked the bad boys which he is def not. we were together 3 years b4 we got married and lived together for 2 of them.
we had such a passionate relationship for a long time but looking bak i cant even remember when it slowley changed to wea it is nw. people keep telling me we should go to romantic things together and stuff but we do things together all the time and people tell me just to try sleep with him and once i start again the passion might come bak but i feel sick thinking about doing it with him, it just feels wrong. 
we are going to see a counsellor but havent worked out when yet. he hasnt asked me many times why i wont sleep with him and i have told him i dont feel attracted to him and he always wants to know wot he can do to help but its nothing he can do. has anyone ever felt repulsed by doing it with there husband and then got the attraction back?


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Its might help to write down daily what you love about him, and stop your mind from being critical. Just shut that part of you off for the moment. Alot of times, we can get into this mindset of seeing everything from a "this isn't what I thought it was going to be..." The initial "butterfly" feelings come and go...its just the reality of living in close proximity with another person. 

These 3 months of celebacy have affected him FAR more than you will know...and it is very dangerous...not to mention him knowing that you are no longer sexually attracted to him. A big blow to a man's self-esteem...I'm not sayin for you to bear it, but find ways to appreciate him again. Your love for him is having to grow to another level. It is hard...sometimes we have to rekindle the fire ourselves. 

I did the "womanly" duty with my husband...and it made me feel awful. I wanted that rush of longing, desire to be with him physically. Even though he hurt emotionally, deeply and often...I still wanted to desire him physically. Sometimes practice helps...have a date with him, some wine =), and then get busy practicing again. It only gets easier with time, and the love grows. 

Find ways to reconnect with him...don't let this continue...go on a romantic trip together, start praising him for the little things he does for you, start working on a community project together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Were you on marriagebuilders.com? If so, you received a lot of good advice there. Have you followed it?

If not, my advice is to divorce and get the 'other guy' syndrome out of your system before you settle down and get married. You're obviously too young to be married. Let him find someone who WANTS a marriage.


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## del88 (Mar 24, 2010)

Can you think of any underlying issue that could be making you feel the way you do? Have you both really talked about what you want out of your marriage? Maybe you got married for the wrong reasons? But, if you can't see yourself without him, really find out what's bothering you about him before making any drastic decision or mistake.


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## kiwigirl (Mar 29, 2010)

everything is great in our marriage except for the fact i have no sexual attraction anymore so we arnt having sex. i jst want to knw if anyone else has ever managed to go from having no sexual attraction to their partner to getting it bak?


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

kiwigirl said:


> hes the perfect husband, hes the most loveing kinda guy i have ever knowen and hes been very understanding about the lack of sex. I prob shouldnt have got married but once everything is booked and paid for and your familys are so excited its not easy to get out and especially if you dont know if you really want out or not



Even if he is a perfect husband , if you dont love him it can't work . So try to figure out if you have ever felt any love for him or not ?


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

I think love is the strongest drive towards wanting to have sex with somebody, so the question you should ask yourself is do you love him? 

There were times I didn't feel particularly attracted to my husband, most probably during conflict. The feelings lasted a few days, then I wanted him again. Like I said, it's the love that drives you for it. 

There is a possibility that you didn't really enjoy sex with him, and you've come to a point where you can't take anymore of it. Time to see a therapist, and don't wait too long to book your appointment.


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## bumpgrind1 (Mar 29, 2010)

You married him for the WRONG reasons. To appease everyone else, so you wouldn't feel shame for backing out.... because everything was already paid for??? Good God, it ain't a trip to Disneyland. Do the poor guy at least one favour and get an annulment. Give the gifts back and leave town!


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

kiwigirl said:


> everything is great in our marriage except for the fact i have no sexual attraction anymore so we arnt having sex. i jst want to knw if anyone else has ever managed to go from having no sexual attraction to their partner to getting it bak?



That is up to you. You have to uncover what is repulsive to you about your husband and then conciously get over it, or decide he is not right for you (you mentioned bad boys being a turn on). If you dont and you divorce you run the risk of doing this again to another nice man or worse, marrying a bad boy which coiuld have other negative outcomes for different reasons. You dont need marriage counseling, you need individual therapy to work out your issue. You were the one that chose to marry him knowing you felt this way bc of pressures of not wanting to let others down.



Work on you, and then either way the outcome will be for the best.


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