# Talk to Husband



## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

We have been married for 16 years, and although that is a long time we are just now starting to connect. When it comes to sex I am not satisfied. 
How would I talk to him about this without hurting his feeling?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Mari1958 said:


> How would I talk to him about this without hurting his feeling?


Indeed men have sensitive egos, but just like algebra every negative situation can be positive if you flip it around. 

Instead of telling your husband that you are not satisfied, tell him that you want to explore ways to make it even better because he is so good that it makes you want more. 

Then his delicate ego will become overinflated and hopefully work in your favor!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yep, find a way to make it sound like you want more of him because he's so hot.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare results afterwards.

Your main love languages could be opposite of each other.

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®


If you have a high sex drive HD and your hubby has a low sex drive LD, sexual mismatch is probably the most common issues couples face.

Find out what turns him on. Then take the initiative and surprise him often.



I am Physical rating 12 and with an adventurous high sex drive HD hubby.

My wifee, Mrs.CuddleBug is Acts of Service rating 12 and has a low vanilla sex drive.

Love languages quiz help us a lot but won't cure a LD to get a healthy sex drive. The LD spouse has to want to change and make the effort.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Have him sit on floor in front of couch, show him how you touch yourself. Tell him to take notes. Most guys would love a tutorial! We are not mind readers.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Have him sit on floor in front of couch, show him how you touch yourself. * Tell him to take notes. Most guys would love a tutorial! *We are not mind readers.



My wife did this once and while it seemed helpful and I did my best to be very serious and take notes with my set of markers and notepad, *anyway I got VERY DISTRACTED by everything going on and my notes were a mess*. Afterwords I even failed the quiz. While it did not help, this is a marriage course I would not mind auditing a few times a year! 

Here are my notes that I took in case anyone wants to try and study them:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yup, make it a positive not a negative. You can tell him what you'd like to try. Make it small increments, not some huge big thing. "Hey, why don't we try this other position tonight". Or, you can show him what you like. Move his hand where you want it without saying anything.

Make it a fun thing, even joking a bit. Find a game with idea cards, which then takes it out of your hands a bit. If he gets a card that says "Do X", it is the game telling him to do it, not you.

Tell him a bit of story, that your friend Jane told you about this thing she did with her husband that sounds like fun, and you'd like to try it with him.


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## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

Thank you for your comments. Good ideas so far.
It would have helped to include some background 
We are 35, married at 19. Began dating when we were 15. Have 3 girls 12, 13, 16. 
I was LD, never interested in sex, turned him down for years. When I did give it, it was a chore. It was quick and only for him. I did not care. I never faked it, but he never asks if I was good.
Until recently, I was awaken. Problem is undoing the damage that I had unknowingly done, His selfness.
I know this is my fault, and that is why I want to know how to begin to talk about it.
Out of the bedroom he is amazing, romantic. He takes care of us. 
This is why I would like to be kind with my words.
I have let him know I want more, but he doesn’t take directions  I don’t fake it, but how I am supposed to act if I am not enjoying it and he won’t take a hint. 
He jackhammers, and doesn’t seem to understand I don’t like that even when I tell him.
I think all the years of me asking him to hurry, his porn watching, and my silence on the act, have attribute to this.
How do I restart our sex lives in a positive way?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You have definitely allowed him to be selfish, and now is the time to be honest. For one thing, unless you've told him, he won't know your interest/libido have changed. 

It concerns me that he ignores what you have told him, however. If he does not take open suggestions and guidance to heart, he will risk losing you--trust me, I've been there. A man who lets his ego get in the way of improving performance is not a man you will want to be with.

I encourage you to keep it positive, introduce a vibrator, and show him what you like. Give it time--several months. After that time, if he's not showing really growth, lay it on the table. You may find he's not interested in your pleasure--could be ego, could be lack of empathy, whatever. But that is not sustainable and he will need to hear that straight out if the positive messages do not work. 

Good luck!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

By opening and being honest. It will hurt at first, but without it, your relationship cannot start to heal.

Learn to communicate and be honest with what works and does not work. Since you both were inexperienced together, he may have gotten his idea from porn and emulating. The fact is, porn is geared towards men more and well, the actresses are paid to enjoy it and some might really enjoy it. Fact is, everyone prefers sex a different way.

If you are not enjoying sex, of course you will turn it down, but if you teach him how to pleasure you, then sex would be different, well at least it would be better, and perhaps more opportunities will arrive for him. And the two of you can explore what you like and do not like by actually communicating in bed. Tell him damn that feels good, or that really does not do anything for me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You won't get anywhere if he doesn't want to hear you. Why doesn't he listen when you tell him you don't like the jackhammering and that you'd like to do it differently? Have you explained you'd have sex more often and it would last longer and be a lot better and he'd STILL get his orgasm if you did it in such a way as to give you pleasure?

I would suggest taking control, getting on top, and controlling both the pace and the depth. Try showing him how you like it and what turns you on.

If you don't know how to start the conversation, tell him your body has changed after 3 kids and time and you need to do things differently to have a satisfying sex life. Suggest that he lay off the porn for a while and pay attention to you instead, especially on your responses and directions. But he has to want to give you pleasure in order for this to work. Does he?


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## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

norajane said:


> If you don't know how to start the conversation, tell him your body has changed after 3 kids and time and you need to do things differently to have a satisfying sex life. Suggest that he lay off the porn for a while and pay attention to you instead, especially on your responses and directions. But he has to want to give you pleasure in order for this to work. Does he?


He has stopped the porn, we did talk about that.
He wants to give me pleasure, but I just don't know what to say
That is where I am stuck.


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## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> By opening and being honest. It will hurt at first, but without it, your relationship cannot start to heal.
> 
> Learn to communicate and be honest with what works and does not work. Since you both were inexperienced together, he may have gotten his idea from porn and emulating. The fact is, porn is geared towards men more and well, the actresses are paid to enjoy it and some might really enjoy it. Fact is, everyone prefers sex a different way.
> 
> ...


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## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> Both of you take the 5 love languages quiz and then compare results afterwards.
> 
> Your main love languages could be opposite of each other.
> 
> ...


Took the test awhile back, as a way to reconnect after putting our marriage on hold (bad idea) to parent. 
His language is Quality Time. Mine is Words of Affirmation. How does the love language help sex?

Sex drive I would say we are both HD now. How do we determine this?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Mari1958 said:


> He has stopped the porn, we did talk about that.
> He wants to give me pleasure, but I just don't know what to say
> That is where I am stuck.


How about:

I'd like sex to be slower and gentler with a gradual build-up - no more jackhammering. Let me start out while on top. Lie back and watch...
Oral sex would really turn me on and would give me an orgasm.
Watch me masturbate and see how I like to get turned on.
Mmm, it feels so good when you ___
My breasts are really sensitive and touching them like this (show him) feels so hot.
Let's read this book together, "She Comes First" or "Sheet Music" (both are great for couples sex focused on women getting pleasure too)

Do you masturbate? Do you know how to give yourself an orgasm? If not, learn that first! You won't be able to show him how to give you pleasure if you don't know what pleases you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Encourage him to accompany you to a sex therapist. A professional can help the two of you to effectively communicate your sexual needs.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Mari1958 said:


> Thank you for your comments. Good ideas so far.
> It would have helped to include some background 
> We are 35, married at 19. Began dating when we were 15. Have 3 girls 12, 13, 16.
> I was LD, never interested in sex, turned him down for years. When I did give it, it was a chore. It was quick and only for him. I did not care. I never faked it, but he never asks if I was good.
> ...


No one seems to be saying what I’m thinking, so I guess I’ll chime in here.

First, in no way is it my intention to make you feel bad here. The fact that you’ve identified the problem and want to fix it is commendable. Also, you’re lucky. Some wives here (or wives of posters) have “woken up” just in time to find that their husbands are past their sexual peak.

You “have let him know you want more”. That seems a little gentle for what seems to be a tectonic change in your approach to sex. I’m not sure that he’s going to get the hint. You’ve been acting one way for 20 years. He’s going to have to be hit with a 2 x 4 before he realizes how much things have changed. So, you’re going to have to be obvious.

I will say that if my wife was dismissive about my sexual needs for 20 years and then started on me about how I’m not meeting *hers*, I might take that kinda badly! So, I’d suggest that you start by apologizing (this is assuming that he wasn’t happy with the amount or quality of the sex you were having). Let him know that you feel like a fool for missing out on the last 20 years and that you want to make sure to make full use of the next 20 years (because he is such a hunk, he turns you on so much, blah, blah, blah :smile2. Tell him that you want to rock his world and that it’s your fault that you never gave him the feedback that he needs to know how to rock yours. Ask him what fantasies he has (that don’t include other people!) and see if you can make them happen.

I’m going heavy on the “apology” stuff here mostly because I think it’ll be the most effective way to approach the subject. It’ll also cover the situation if he resents suddenly having to worry about your needs after having your not attending to his in the past.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You could have your husband read books on tantric sex such as: Tantric Sex for Men: Making Love a Meditation: Diana Richardson, Michael Richardson: 9781594773112: Amazon.com: Books

Generally speaking lovemaking can become more of a meditation as opposed to a performance. While this very likely will not be his thing and he will think it is silly, the techniques are about men learning to enjoy being teased and a very strong build up of desire which also has the power to transform orgasms to be way more or even MMO (male multiple orgasms).

...Now this sounds like advice for him to enjoy it more, but the result should be that he slows down, becomes emotionally present during lovemaking, which in turn should give the two of you a great starting point to explore a whole new world of being crazy for one another!

Best wishes, 
Badsanta


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I like the apology method above, first and foremost.

But if that doesn't work, and he's still jackhammering away, then some honesty and truthfullness is what you'll need to fall back on.

The main issue is that he does not know how to have sex, period. You guys have been together since you were 15 - an age where most people, if they're even sexually active to begin with, barely know the first thing about what to do.

I will assume you are also each others first and only, though that's largely irrelevant.

So until recently, you had zero interest in sex. "Get it over with" was common. He turned to porn, which is not at all indicative of how real people have real sex. Mostly.

So you guys are now well into the marriage, and he's never been given the chance, the opportunity, to learn how to have sex. Listening to your sexual needs is foreign to him. For years, all he heard from you was "Hurry up", so he's now conditioned to do so. He quite literally has no idea what you, or any woman, actually needs in regards to a good sex life. I was 15 once, and I was like that. I learned (slowly), and it's been a work in progress ever since.

He's still a 15 year old boy, but instead of having a couple of years of cluelessness, he has like 20. Yes, it's your fault, hence the apologies. But that will only go so far if he doesn't listen to your needs.

He should be given some time to uncondition himself from this, but not too much time. At some point, you will likely have to sit him down and be blunt. It might hurt his feelings, but you can also back this all up by taking the blame for this conditioning and that you've given him time to "get it", and that the end result will be very beneficial for the both of you. If he has any pride (which we men do...) then he'll start putting in the effort to listen and pay attention.


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## Mari1958 (Jul 24, 2015)

Thank you everyone!!!

I will be trying the apology method, and it is my fault for pushing him away sooo many years.
This goes along with out reconnecting best. We are just starting to communicate better outside the bedroom, so this is another area we will start to work on.

Thank you!


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