# Successful Amicable split



## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

I would like some input from those of you that have had successful splits and were able to keep the fighting to a minimum. Basically I am asking for a how to.

We have been to counseling and that has lead nowhere. So, those of you out there that want to jump on me and say we need to see a counselor or another counselor, please back off. I have enough of those people in my life. This isn't a matter of "If" we get divorced, but "when" and how much damage it does to the kids. 

Please note that I love my wife but if it were not for the kids, I would have left a long time ago. I have tried to make it work, I have tried to make changes, but I am to the point that I've made the changes and it is clear that she wont. 

So, we have a mortgage. There is no way that she can afford the mortgage payment if I move out. I can not afford to make that payment and a payment on an apartment. How do I make the move without it screwing up my credit. I give her a check now (every two weeks) to cover the household items and from talking to an attorney and the amount of money I make, i can expect a similar child support requirement. 

I make more money than her, but not that much and she carries the health insurance. I guess what I am saying is that like a lot of couples, the divorce will come to down to fighting over money and obviously there are only so many ways to split the pie up. So, how do you do it. How do you come up with an amicable split knowing that there will be more expenses?

Then once you do that, how do you make it so that the kids aren't crushed anymore than they have to be? I think we can divide up the time with them fairly well and I can certainly get an apartment in the area, but how is it done??

Any constructive input would be appreciated.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Could you reamortize the mortgage to make the payment lower? 

It is tough to do and that is why I think for alot of us debating separating is not easy...change of lifestyle, fear of being alone, etc. etc.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

We refinanced about 2 years ago to capture low rates and clear up debt. I am self employed and she took 10 years off to raise kids. I guess that is what one of our problems is, she makes major decisions without my input. When we had kids she had a great job, benefits, etc. Her intent was to keep working but after the kid was born she just up and quit. Forcing me to replace her income, pay for benefits AND feed the new kid. 

What I am saying is that house prices haven't gone up enough to make a big enough difference.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Stay married.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

That is not exactly helpful and we have made a go at it, but I can not be miserable the rest of my life. The love is gone and this is not the person I want to grow old with. It is not the person I married and if I met her today I wouldn't want to marry her. She is a bitter negative woman and I don't want that in my life.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> That is not exactly helpful and we have made a go at it, but I can not be miserable the rest of my life. The love is gone and this is not the person I want to grow old with. It is not the person I married and if I met her today I wouldn't want to marry her. She is a bitter negative woman and I don't want that in my life.


Wait a second, this is what you said in post #1:



> Please note that I love my wife...


Is it that the love is gone, or is it that you love your wife? If it is that the love is gone, why did you say that you love your wife?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

How does she feel about a separation/divorce?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The best way is to try to keep your emotions out of the "paperwork" as best as you can. That can limit the drama.

Amicable divorces (completely amicable) don't happen most of the time, though. Generally, they suck. For it to be amicable, you'd have to agree on everything and that rarely happens.

But just remember to keep your head cool and deal with the legalities. Easier said than done, I know.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

Highwood, she is obviously not happy about it. We are miserable and she has brought it up as much as I have. Financially there will be adjustments to be made.

Wilderness, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children and because we have shared some hard times together. Nothing will ever change that. But the love itself is gone. There is a huge difference. To try to say otherwise is plain nitpicking. 

The realization of all of this has accumulated over the last several years, bluntly put, she hasn't been there for me as she had in the past. Neither of our needs are being met and that is not going to change. I figure I have about 40 years left in this life, I am not going to live in misery and I wouldn't expect her to do the same.


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> Highwood, she is obviously not happy about it. We are miserable and she has brought it up as much as I have. Financially there will be adjustments to be made.
> 
> Wilderness, I love my wife because she is the mother of my children and because we have shared some hard times together. Nothing will ever change that. But the love itself is gone. There is a huge difference. To try to say otherwise is plain nitpicking.
> 
> The realization of all of this has accumulated over the last several years, bluntly put, she hasn't been there for me as she had in the past. Neither of our needs are being met and that is not going to change. I figure I have about 40 years left in this life, I am not going to live in misery and I wouldn't expect her to do the same.


Have you read MMSLP and MAP and tried running the MAP?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Last summer I divorced my husband after 45 years. I told him a year in advance that I would be divorcing him. He didn't want the divorce. We continued to live together for about six months after I told him and then he moved in with a new girlfriend (not his AP). 

It was easier to deal with him by text or email after he moved out as opposed to face-to-face communication when we were living together. It wasn't always civil. Far from it. But we got through it. My lifestyle took an enormous hit and I'm okay with that. I got what I wanted most -- freedom. 

You explain to your children together that you will both always love them. And that you just couldn't live together and it's not their fault. Depending on their age, children can think they are to blame. You sit down with your wife and look at income and expenses and divide them up. The whole process can be scary to contemplate but with a little luck it can be done with a minimum of stress.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

wilderness said:


> Have you read MMSLP and MAP and tried running the MAP?


Yes to the first. I started that process over a year ago - though I just downloaded the book recently. As I have told others around me, the only one I can change is me. There is no change from her so - ADIOS!


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Last summer I divorced my husband after 45 years. I told him a year in advance that I would be divorcing him. He didn't want the divorce. We continued to live together for about six months after I told him and then he moved in with a new girlfriend (not his AP).
> 
> It was easier to deal with him by text or email after he moved out as opposed to face-to-face communication when we were living together. It wasn't always civil. Far from it. But we got through it. My lifestyle took an enormous hit and I'm okay with that. I got what I wanted most -- freedom.
> 
> You explain to your children together that you will both always love them. And that you just couldn't live together and it's not their fault. Depending on their age, children can think they are to blame. You sit down with your wife and look at income and expenses and divide them up. The whole process can be scary to contemplate but with a little luck it can be done with a minimum of stress.


Sadly I have heard statements like, "You can't afford to divorce me." As I mentioned, I spoke with an attorney friend of mine who has experience in the domestic relations area. He basically broke down our two incomes and was able to come up with a child-support range that the arbitrators use in these cases. I can make that work because it is what I give her now to take care of household expenses (groceries, school fees and what not). Currently I pay the house, utilities, her car payment, etc.) My problem isn't what I would do, it would be what she would do. Also, how to keep my credit from getting ruined if I move out and she doesn't make the house payments.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Not sure about the states but in Canada if you consider yourself legally separated then at that point your financial entities are considered separate..so she could go wrack up a ton of debt after the separation date and you are not liable for any of it.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I would hope that she would be as concerned over her own credit as well to not do anything foolish. That is why it was always important to myself to maintain my own separate credit with an excellent credit rating just in case...not just rely on my H. To me more than ever when you are single and on your own it is even more important.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

When the first hearing comes and the temp order goes into place, usually who will maintain the house, make the payments etc is explained out. It does decide at that point who is legally responsible for such items.

However if she becomes legally responsible for the payment, you pay child support and she doesn’t make the payments it will affect your credit. While the court says one thing banks and credit card companies could care less. Till your divorce is final you are still attached that way. Most times the best approach is putting the home up for sale. It established the true value of the home at that point and eliminates the fighting over what a home is worth. The bank gets paid and the remaining gets split equally. 

If the bank doesn’t feel she can refinance the loan to begin with after the divorce to remove you from liability it ends up going for sale anyway. If neither of you can agree on the dollar value of the home to start with the court will just order the home sold. If you have equity in the home, many times talking to the bank and explaining the situation they will switch the payments to interest only or “hold” payments since once the house sells they will be paid. 

It’s the same with her car payments, if she wants to keep the asset she will become responsible for the car payment, insurance and upkeep. The house is usually the hangup since the “emotional” attachment comes into play and keeping it for the kids etc. This is where the emotions have to be reigned in and the financial “realistic” part needs to take over. Most lawyers will tell you that selling the home is usually the best and easiest course of action at the end of the day. 

Amicable only exists in the legal world if one party just bends over and takes it, we all have that silly notion of that in the beginning. You cant do anything if she quits making payments to your credit till the two of you are divorced.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

Thanks, Honcho. That is one of the issues, though. If her credit gets ruined, no biggie. If mine get's ruined I could be out of a job (security clearance reasons). It is like what you said, what the court says and what the bank says are two different things.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your best bet is to call all the credit card companies that you have and either cancel the cards or have them reduce the limits to what is owed. This way she or you cant go on spending sprees. The minimum payments can continue during the divorce and the credit wont be hurt. If she or you would try to open up a new card they legally cant so if they do that can be removed from your credit report pretty easily.

For the mortgage etc again your best bet is discussing it with the bank, they would much rather switch it to an interest only situation or other options to free up cashflow and preserve credit. They don’t want to mess with foreclosures or toxic debt in todays day and age. They have enough of these headaches already and given the fact it takes months and months of legal paperwork to do foreclosures. It makes the most economical sense for them to work with you as opposed to chasing you especially if the home is just up for sale. Part of that overall scheme does come down to how much equity is in the home but even if no equity is present and its going to end up being a short sale they would rather have you do the work of selling than foreclosure.

For all the grandstanding lawyers love to do regarding the home, they look at the economics and if the numbers don’t work they will recommend selling and it saves a great deal of useless drama in a divorce. If the number work and she can keep the home her attorney will encourage her to continue the payments because if she wrecks her credit, she wont be able to finance the home when the divorce is done and the home is forced into a sale situation.

It comes down to cashflow more than anything and during the divorce action it is hard from the start to the final decree. If your not going to be liable for alimony and only child support, its pretty quick and easy to figure the dollar amount. If you have any savings it may be in your best interests to spend it and get rid of small debt, pay off the car something to free up the cashflow thus limiting the amount of exposure you have for her to wreck the credit. 

You state she makes almost as much as you do, what is she doing with her earnings?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Maybe you need to get a part time job as well.

You said you had your lawyer look over the finances and such?
Well, maybe a financial planner can take a more in depth look.
If not, it is what it is and that is the price of divorce.

Also, do what others advised and sell the house.
Would that be enough to get 2 apartments or maybe a good down payment on two apartments.

Your lifestyle is going to change, your finances are going to change so you have to do things to make sure those changes are at least somewhat in your favor.
Second or part time job, maybe help your wife upgrade her skill set by signing her up for some free software courses at the library or go to the Unemployment office and see what they have to offer.
Not sure if it is the unemployment office or not but they more than likely will offer or know who offers some type of free job training.

good luck


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My split with ex Husband was amicable for several reasons:

1.) There was a sea between us (he was from the UK, I had returned to the US). 

2.) Everything was handled over email. Like a robot with no feeling. Not cruel, just no feeling. 
3.) We didn't have kids... Basically a rehash of 1. The fact you have to see each other makes a difference, because you can never really just do scorched earth and move on.

I blocked my ex on FB almost immediately and kept to myself... Talked solely with my lawyer overseas about D and keeping things rolling. There were some email exchanges between ex and I but they were about getting names off of this account or that account. It was D business. Every now and then he'd ask how I was and my answer would always be "great" with no details. I didn't talk crap about what happened because that was a waste of my energy on someone who had already monopolized plenty of it already.

Since things are different for you I'd say save the energy for your kids, leave none for her. Don't get roped into drama. Be a bigger person.. You can control yourself but never her.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Little soapbox here: The biggest thing to help with an amiable divorce is to avoid the lawyers as much as you can. Lawyers seem to bring out the worst in people and they will fight until they are near penniless to "win". Let's be honest, there are no winners in a divorce.

You can do this amiably, but you both have to want to make it work that way. If one person wants to fight, all bets are off. And someone will have to take it a little in the a$$ to make it amiable. You have to do your best to treat it like a business deal when working through the process and keep the emotions out.

Take a real look at your finances and see what you can really afford. Lots of people get bent around the axle about keeping the house "for the kids." Who really wants to stay in a house with all the bad memories of the marriage? Unless either one of you can afford it on your own, the best bet is to clean it up and put it for sale. That way both parties may get a little money to start out with in their new lives. Then no headaches of refinancing or credit worries or a former spouse that decides to stop paying the mortgage and leave you holding the bag.

Big thing about the house, do not move out until your divorce and custody has been agreed and signed off by the court. Don't give your stbx ammunition to screw you in custody by moving to early.

Custody tends to be the biggest issue with most couples. Children need both parents in their lives and 50/50 gives that to both parents. Try to work this out using one of the variation of parenting plans. 2/2/3 or 3/4 or week on, week off are a couple. We worked out I see the kids Mon/Tue, she has them Wed/Thur and we alternate weekends (2/2/3). We tried a couple and this worked best for us and is relatively easy to remember.

For the kids, as was mentioned already, sit them down together and be honest with them. Tell them that Mom and Dad love them with all of their heart, but they are not in love with one another. It is not their fault and you all will continue to love them always. We did this with our kids as well as talked to all of their teachers and the school couselors. We tried to lay the groundwork so that they would have a support system available to them.

Outside of custody and home, it is a matter of dividing the assets. Cars, furniture, TV's, etc. Another business deal, try not to get to emotional about stuff. Most of it can be replaced. If there is something the other party wants, you could use it to your advantage if there is something you want.

You will have to file some paperwork with the courts to get legally divorced. Study your state and local statutes to learn what is required in your area. Some places requires separation, some do not. 

Bottom line is that it can be done. One book I found that helped me look at the situation was "Mom's house, Dad's house". The key is to keep the emotions under control until everything is done and signed off. If you need to let off some steam, set up a punching bag in the garage.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

If you want amicable, I am finding it depends on the two parties to keep it amicable. For example, my h asked for the divorce. In order for our daughter not to be uprooted, he will pay 1/2 the mortgage for another year. This will give me time to consider selling or refi option. I have no intention of messing up my credit or his credit by not paying my 1/2 on time. The attorney recommended h pay alimony for 1/2 the number of years we were married. That would have been 12 years of alimony. I asked for 5. We settled on 3. Both parties have to be able to work it through amicable and remove the emotions.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

I know it has been a few years since I posted, but I wanted to update everyone:

1) My wife and I ended up in the dissolution route. We laid out what we wanted, went to an attorney and filed the paperwork.

2) In our case she was able to refinance the house in her name. This allowed me to go out and buy a small place. Initially this was tough because we lived in the same house while this happened - slept in separate rooms. It took 4 months, but we got it done. The longest part was her clearing up CC debt to get the note in her name. The fight was that I should get an apartment, but a 3 bedroom (bedrooms for my kids) apartment was a lot more expensive than finding a place on my own. I was able to get a place in my kid's school district, too. 

3) Those that say to keep the emotions and lawyers out of the picture are correct. In the end it was fairly amicable.

Thank you all for your input.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Old post lol


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> I know it has been a few years since I posted, but I wanted to update everyone:
> 
> 1) My wife and I ended up in the dissolution route. We laid out what we wanted, went to an attorney and filed the paperwork.
> 
> ...


Thanks for updating. Glad to hear that it's going well for you.


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