# Wife's addiction to hobby - destructive



## Mark46 (Dec 1, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 12 years - the second marriage for both of us. We're in our 50's. About 5 years ago, my wife started a new hobby (sport but not naming what). She takes a class once a week, and participates in events at least once a month. In addition there are seminars and special training events that happen at least once a month. And she spends several hours training/playing each week in addition to class time. She often travels, sometimes out of state (with other women), for events related to her hobby. I have a couple of hobbies myself, but nothing that requires this much of my time. 

The problem is - she is absolutely addicted to this hobby and is not really interested in spending much time with me. We have a pretty good love life, eat out together once or twice each week, etc.. But she is now spending 12-15 hours minimum, each week at her hobby in addition to working around 45-50 hours a week. When she comes home, she usually exhausted and not in the mood for romance. I cannot ever plan anything for us to do, since it seems like she has had something planned for months that she absolutely cannot miss.

I am getting lonely. I am home by myself so much, it almost feels like I'm single but with a roommate.

1. she'll never give up her hobby, she loves it more than life itself.
2. she has made lots of friends doing this hobby, and she spends what time she has at home talking on the computer about the hobby.
3. when I bring up the fact that we don't do much of anything together, she gets mad at me for making her feel guilty.
4. she refuses to go to counseling since this is "no big deal"

I love my wife dearly, and have tried talking to her, and being frank about what this is doing to our relationship. She says she will try to cut back, but never does. I am starting to wonder if there isn't someone out there better suited for me. I didn't plan on spending the last part of my life this alone and unhappy.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

If you're both in your 50s, is there any chance she could cut back the hours at work to something more reasonable? Even cutting down to 40 hours per week would give you 5-10 extra hours to spend together. If either of you is anywhere near retirement, that might be a more reasonable change to make then asking her to cut hours of the hobby that she loves. 

Have you both tried sharing a weekly/monthly calendar? You say that you try to plan things but she already has plans...So you might have to start planning ahead more. Make sure to schedule time for the both of you in advance and hold her to that. If she sees a free block of time she might want to spend it with her hobby if she has nothing else planned. But if you block out time for the two of you to go out, go on a trip, spend the day at a museum, etc. then she'll view that as time dedicated to you. Does this suggestion sound feasible?

I'm sorry that you feel so lonely in the marriage. Is there any way that you could show her what you wrote here? I feel like she understands that you want to spend more time with her, but just gets swept up in her hobby and doesn't think it's a big deal because your marriage is strong. If she really knew how much it affects you, that might be a wake-up call for her to change.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

When she comes home from her "away" trip, don't be home. Be out somewhere having fun.

Bouns points if you were on a date... obviously with a friend. Just a friend...


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

What is the sport?


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## Mark46 (Dec 1, 2010)

lime said:


> If you're both in your 50s, is there any chance she could cut back the hours at work to something more reasonable? Even cutting down to 40 hours per week would give you 5-10 extra hours to spend together. If either of you is anywhere near retirement, that might be a more reasonable change to make then asking her to cut hours of the hobby that she loves.
> 
> Have you both tried sharing a weekly/monthly calendar? You say that you try to plan things but she already has plans...So you might have to start planning ahead more. Make sure to schedule time for the both of you in advance and hold her to that. If she sees a free block of time she might want to spend it with her hobby if she has nothing else planned. But if you block out time for the two of you to go out, go on a trip, spend the day at a museum, etc. then she'll view that as time dedicated to you. Does this suggestion sound feasible?
> 
> I'm sorry that you feel so lonely in the marriage. Is there any way that you could show her what you wrote here? I feel like she understands that you want to spend more time with her, but just gets swept up in her hobby and doesn't think it's a big deal because your marriage is strong. If she really knew how much it affects you, that might be a wake-up call for her to change.


Thank you for your comments. Unfortunately, she is already taking off lots of time for her hobby and can't afford to take off any more. 

I've done my homework - she isn't seeing someone else, of this I'm 99.99% sure. But not 100%. I do know her friends and who she is with during training, competition, etc.. This is a woman's thing with very few men involved at all. The sport is dog agility.

One good thing - it does keep her in good shape. She loves it so much, people think I'm being selfish by being resentful of the time she spends doing it. But being alone so much has taken a toll, and she knows. She does seem to care and will occassionally make time for us to do things together. But not much.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Dog agility - I looked it up - its training dogs right?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's excited about this sport and you are excited about being with her, how about getting involved in it with her? Not an ideal situation, but you can make yourself get interested in just about anything and you might even find it fun. Mine loves gardening flowers. I don't see the point in growing things you can't eat, but I love her, so I shop for flowers, plant them, weed them, etc. She's a teacher. I help her grade papers and do little odd jobs around the school. Showing interest in the things that are important to her is the same as showing interest in her.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

did your wife get married pretty young, the frist time? did she have kids right awy? i started out young, had kids right away, and sometimes i feel like i missed out on school or other out side hobbies.

40 is the new 20....so 50 is the new 30???

life isnt over anymore, there is so much to do now a days, maybe you could spend more time with her at her events, if you cant see your self doing this because this is your time...well its also her time.

you will have to figure out if her new found independance is going to mesh well with your life. i cant wait for the kids to get to 18, im going to do things i always wanted to do hope hubby is on board...

try and talk to her, tell her you miss her. how can our life meet with your life. i undrestand you thoiught this part of life would go one way...but adapt make a new plan.

or maybe you could takee up fishng or golf??? i wasnt being snarky or judgemental...

if you tell her some of how you feel and try to work out a new life together...good luck..


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## Mark46 (Dec 1, 2010)

I tried going to her events for the first few years. But basically it's just watching others for hours on end, and then for two or three times that day, watching my wife for maybe a minute. Rather than spend the time with me while I'm there, she tends to chat with her friends coming up with a strategy for running the next course. 

Am I being selfish to want more out of my life? I am feeling a lot like a single person who wants the company of a female to be around. Tired of being alone so much. I've tried talking to her and that hasn't worked, although she accuses me of trying to make her feel guilty.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hm, yea that does seem tough if you can't participate in it with her.

I think you need to take a different approach...If you "try" talking to her about it, then she feels guilty--women do NOT enjoy feeling guilty or feeling like someone is trying to guilt us. Unfortunately you might be pushing her away if you keep trying to express your feelings and she keeps ignoring you. 

Like Atholk said, you might need to make YOURSELF more unavailable. This sounds counter intuitive in some ways, but it could make you look more attractive and appealing to her, to the point where she would seek you out to spend time with you instead of the other way around. Could you find a hobby of your own? Go out more with friends? Go away on a few business trips? If you're always around, she'll always feel secure that you'll be there if she ever deigns to spend time with you. But if you're gone and she misses you, it will be a more direct incentive for her to make herself more available. Does that make any sense?

Then, when you really want to spend time with her, MAKE TIME AND PLAN AND SCHEDULE. Don't wait around to see if/when she's free...Look at her calendar, find an open space, SCHEDULE something together, take initiative and plan something and TELL her that you're going to do X on that day. If you follow her around like one of the dogs she trains, she won't have enough respect for you to want to be with you as often as you would like. If she skips out on you or schedules another event on the day you picked, don't act upset/hurt, but calmly explain and ask her to reschedule her new event. If she refuses, that's fine; you can do something else on your own. But let her see that there are consequences to her actions; withdraw a little, or like Atholk said, be gone when she gets back, etc.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

plastic899 said:


> Her hobby is _*playing with doggies*_????
> 
> There has to be something more going on. You're just not seeing it.


No--I've actually been involved in the sport of Dog Agility, and what's involved is a lot of time with training the dogs, and then learning subtle things like where SHE should stand, how to turn to best direct the dog, etc. It's a lot like a dog show or a cat show--to someone who looks and thinks "Huh, a dog" going to a dog show all day can be B-O-R-I-N-G and you fluff and primp your dog all day so they can run away from the judge, run to the judge, run around the ring once and then be petted (for conformity). It takes all day for 2-3 minutes in the ring. 

But to the DOG person, you look at the shine of the coat, the cut, the styling, the physical conformity of each dog to the breed standards, their parents, that breeders other dogs, the gait of the dog, it's energy, etc. Just looking at all that can be fascinating--but not to the partner who sits there and thinks "Huh...dog # 4032" 

Anyway, based on all this I have a few things to say: 



> Am I being selfish to want more out of my life? I am feeling a lot like a single person who wants the company of a female to be around. Tired of being alone so much. I've tried talking to her and that hasn't worked, although she accuses me of trying to make her feel guilty.


It sounds to me like you are trying to justify that it's okay for you to have an affair. It's not and you won't get approval for infidelity here. I'm not trying to be mean, but if you want some kind of validation for cheating, that's just not going to be okay here. 

What WOULD be okay here is encouraging you to put in the work to build the kind of companionship and connection you want within your marriage...with your wife! 

Okay so she is addicted to Dog Agility, and I kind of understand why because it is an EXTREMELY technical sport and has a lot of contact with dogs (a very fun animal)! Usually the people are pretty decent, family folks and all but due to the rigorous nature it can take up a lot of time.  So the first thing I suggest is that you sit your wife down and explain it to her in no uncertain terms. "I've tried talking to you about this and you keep blaming me for how you choose to feel, but you need to be aware that this ongoing issue is destroying our marriage. If you want me to commit adultery or you want to end up divorced, please feel free to continue as you are, because that is where we are heading. If you want faithfulness then that means you owe your affection and loyalty TO ME and not to the dogs or your dog agility friends. To be in this marriage, we both must consider the needs and feelings of our partner, and to be blunt you haven't been doing that for so long that the thought of leaving you has crossed my mind. Now I don't want to, but I also will not continue as a leftover in your life. So can we work TOGETHER to find a balance we both find acceptable?"

The key terms there are honesty about where you're at...and asking her to work together; you're a team and you want to find something YOU can be enthusiastic about as well as her!!

The second thing I suggest is going to require effort on your part. Start going to the class. Start reading up on the technical aspects of dog agility. Start researching, talking to breeders, and really showing an interest in the deeper things that make this sport so interesting. If she pivots on her RIGHT foot at that turn, will it direct the dogs better? Once you've made the effort to really show interest in what sparks interest in her, ask her to come TO YOU and talk about the next course! Talk about each course as you watch it and have her explain some things to you--maybe ask her to teach you! 

The key point here is to show interest IN HER by showing interest in what interests her. Just having your butt in the stands is not really putting forth any effort to understand or appreciate the subtleties of the thing she's passionate about.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Mark46 said:


> I tried going to her events for the first few years. But basically it's just watching others for hours on end, and then for two or three times that day, watching my wife for maybe a minute. Rather than spend the time with me while I'm there, she tends to chat with her friends coming up with a strategy for running the next course.
> 
> Am I being selfish to want more out of my life? I am feeling a lot like a single person who wants the company of a female to be around. Tired of being alone so much. I've tried talking to her and that hasn't worked, although she accuses me of trying to make her feel guilty.


ahh...yes the old guilt trip...maybe the two of you are just in differrent places in your lives, nothing wrong with that.

i understand about watching events and being bored to comatosse. the two of you just need to sit down and talk about everything. how you feel how important her things are to her.

sit down calmly and state your feelings, she will be mad, but you have a right to know where her head is at, and you have the right to tell her you are unhappy.

sounds scarry...i know, but not talking about this will not be good in 5 years when you retire, and will want to travel with her or do thing together.

did you think about taking up a hobbie of your own??


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## john43 (Apr 16, 2012)

Mark46, your probably not watching this post anymore, but if you are I would love to know how you made out!

I am in exactly the same position....its as if you took the words right out of my mouth!

I love my wife and our dogs dearly, but I don't have much interest in dog shows/agility.

I am glad she enjoys it so much but it takes up nearly all of her time and she seems oblivious to the toll it is taking on our marriage.

I don't know how I could ever leave her, but I do know that she is not going to give it up and I can't be alone anymore!

Would love to hear from you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Mark46 said:


> I love my wife dearly, and have tried talking to her, and being frank about what this is doing to our relationship. She says she will try to cut back, but never does.


 She will not compromise so stop talking and decide on an action. Your happiness needs to matter to her or this will not work long term.


Mark46 said:


> I am starting to wonder if there isn't someone out there better suited for me. I didn't plan on spending the last part of my life this alone and unhappy.


 You should make every effort to let her know that you feel this way. If she does not listen then file for divorce. She will either wake up or let you move on to find happiness with someone that cares about your happiness. As to anyone trying to say that you are selfish, ask them why is it OK for your wife to pursue happiness and not you? The fact is you have every right to be married to someone that cares about you.


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