# I dont know what to do



## SCMan (Jun 10, 2018)

I love my wife, shes beautiful and everything i ever wanted in a partner. After the baby she had depression and anxiety and over the last decade she wants me less and less i dont know what to do i have tried everything. It seems like my needs are unimportant. I have spoken to her about my feelings but nothing has changed. Its weeks at a time and its not just sex its most anything sexual but also just closeness in general. Intimacy in general like not something she needs. I'm very sad. Iove her i love my family.


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## DavidGJRock (Jun 11, 2018)

You asked her what she thought about it?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sounds somewhat like Post-partum depression. 

Have the two of you ever been active in counseling of any kind? *


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Decade? ten years of depression anxiety?

Exactly how long have you been in a sexless marriage? If it's been ten years, expect ten more of the same. If you can deal with that, stay married.

Personally, I don't care how beautiful they are. If they give me no love, intimacy, sex, touching, etc.--- what difference does that make how beautiful they are. I'd be getting the same thing from her as I'd get from a supermodel on TV. NOTHING. 
If it's not physical beauty, but inner beauty---- I think you're mistaken. A wife that looks forward to seeing her husband and making love to him and WANTS him----- that's a beautiful wife to me.

You need to be more specific on how long this has been going on. Again, a DECADE????? Do you really think there's going to be a sudden change? You've been trained.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

SCMan said:


> I love my wife, shes beautiful and everything i ever wanted in a partner. After the baby she had depression and anxiety and over the last decade she wants me less and less i dont know what to do i have tried everything. It seems like my needs are unimportant. I have spoken to her about my feelings but nothing has changed. Its weeks at a time and its not just sex its most anything sexual but also just closeness in general. Intimacy in general like not something she needs. I'm very sad. Iove her i love my family.


Sounds much like how the problems with my marriage started years ago. After our son was born she became depressed and withdrawn, I figured it was because of the pregnancy, birth and just the normal stresses you read about with a newborn. Things did get better over time but the intimacy and closeness still weren't what they once were. We drifted apart, things got worse, and now here we are in the middle of a divorce after finding her in an affair. If you want to try to fix things, get to counseling and see where you're at. If she doesn't want to do counseling, then don't bother as it will do no good if both of you aren't on the same page. That's what happened with my wife, 3 sessions that I could tell she didn't want to be at and then she said she didn't want to go anymore. Unfortunately there's only so much that you can do on your own, if she isn't responsive to any of it, it's time to call it a day and file for divorce.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I'm sorry, but it sounds like she has checked out.


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## Easydoesit (Jun 12, 2018)

Sounds like once she had her baby, you got pushed to the side.
Any history of childhood abuse?


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## Knips (May 23, 2017)

No one deserves to live in a marriage without love and sex. I would suggest that you're wife seeks help. When there is no sex and love the marriage will fail. No intimacy is often a sign from infidility.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

10 years? Come on. This does not sound like depression. It sounds like a wife who's given herself to another and wants be loyal to him. How sure are you that there is no one else? It can be someone right under your nose.

You don't say much about your situation. How long have you been married and how many kids do you have? Also, does your wife work? 

You've told us that there is not only barely any sex but not even affection but how is your marriage other wise? Do you go on dates? Are you helping around the house and with the kids? Give us better picture so we can provide better advise.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

jsmart has it right. His W is cheating


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## Fourletterword (Jan 12, 2016)

I dont think she is cheating. As for my wife, very much the same situation. Her mental state and depression consumed her to the point there is no possible way she has time to cheat. While my wife is stable enough to care for our child and home a job, she has no time for another man, or me for that matter.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

No time for an affair? Go read the stories in infidelity section. Everyone knows we men are dogs and will jump at an opportunity for free sex but what we men need to realize is that today, woman are giving themselves up on the cheap.

Doesn't require candlelight dinners or going out to a nightclubs followed by an all nighter at some swank hotel. No these guys are banging your wife in the backseat of the family minivan parked in the deserted section of your local park, short stay at some sleazy motel, or worse, your marital bed. All done while you're busting your but to provide a good life for your family. 

Read the threads of hundreds of men who came here thinking they were dealing with just a cold wife or at worst an EA. These BHs go to great lengths defending their wives. When they reluctantly dig deeper as instructed by TAMers, the same story is almost always the same. Their precious wife and mother of their kids, was having wanton sex on demand for some douche. Many times the guy is a complete loser, much older, fatter, or balder. Regardless of the looks or social status an average husband can't complete with dopamine highs a woman gets from sneaking around being naughty. 

So if you're having these symptoms in your marriage, you better dig deeper.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

arbitrator said:


> ]Sounds somewhat like Post-partum depression.


I think his wife has post-partner depression.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Is this painful enough to end the marriage without an change?

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

SCMan said:


> I love my wife, shes beautiful and everything i ever wanted in a partner. After the baby she had depression and anxiety and over the last decade she wants me less and less i dont know what to do i have tried everything. It seems like my needs are unimportant. I have spoken to her about my feelings but nothing has changed. Its weeks at a time and its not just sex its most anything sexual but also just closeness in general. Intimacy in general like not something she needs. I'm very sad. Iove her i love my family.


You sound like me, about 10 years ago.

When my wife first started slowing down our sex life, I was the understanding husband. I helped out more around the house, took care of the kids more, made sure she got more sleep and wasn't burned out. Aside from a 9-5 job, I also cooked and cleaned and did a lot around the house to ease the pressure on her. It didn't help. Over the space of 14 years, it went from slowing down, to almost no sex or intimacy at all (6 months without any sexual contact, at one point). She openly admitted to me that she 'just didn't care about sex'. (And yeah, that hurt me, a lot. I felt she was rejecting me... she didn't care enough about us to think about my needs.)

After being the patient, understanding husband for about six or seven years, I decided to talk to her openly about it. Not accusing... just trying to understand how she felt. And she told me she wanted to understand it too, because she knew something was wrong. So we started looking into different possible causes. Was it related to abuse as a child? (In her case, very probable... her father was an abuser.) Was it somehow medical? We talked to our GP to see if she had any ideas.

The first thing we found was that her testosterone levels were zero. So the doctor suggested testosterone therapy, to see if it would spark something. And it did! For about a month, my wife had a burst of desire, and even initiated sex for the first time in years. But that kind of disappeared. Then we discovered she had an issue with gluten; she changed her diet, and started feeling better. Finally, though, after about 14 years of this, we discovered that she was suffering from hypothyroidism. The thyroid controls MANY things for a woman, and when it isn't working right, it can play havoc with a person's body. The medication for it is simple and cheap... and about three months after she started taking it, my wife's libido came back. And I mean it REALLY came back! We went from having sex MAYBE once every six weeks (and it was not intimate... it was 'let's get this over with' sex...), to suddenly she wanted me every single day. And initially we had some weekends where we just stayed in bed all weekend... 10 times, one weekend.  I was in heaven. After all those years, I had my wife back!

I'm not sayin this is what is happening with your wife. It may be something entirely different. What I am saying, is DON'T GIVE UP. Talk to her. Communication is everything in a marriage. It took a LOT of gently talking to my wife before she started to look into the issue... but our story in the end had a very happy ending. I hope yours does too.


H.


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