# Divorce/child issue



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I have a tough question for you guys....
quick background.. when i came home from deployment in september,found out my wife was cheating on me with a 21 year old guy(she's 30)in front of our five year old.. continued to see him after i confronted her...i moved out, and a as of two weeks ago, she moved to NY with her parents...you can read the whole long story if you want under "Advice please"... i am filing for divorce this week. 

Our son is not my biological son. she had him in a previous relationship. His dad is not in the picture, and he calls me daddy...when she left, we had not come up with a definate plan as far as wether i was going to continue to be in his life or not.

After much soul searching and looking at the practicalities of the situation, i have decided not to be part of his life...she never puts in any effort into having him contact me, or into my seeing him. she expects me to do it all...even when she doesnt answer the phone. or return phone calls....my question to you guys is this...should i call her and tell her this, or should i send her an email...here are my reasons for considering both...

phone call
Pro- i would be very uncomfortable with not having a conversation about this....i think emails are a little chickensh**. 
Con-I think that she would turn things around on me and find a way to blame me for everything once again...its the same old story with her...she can't come up with any reasons why she does bad things, but she can come up with a plethora of reasons how terrible i am...(and her reasons are BS, even to someone in the FOG of having thier lives destroyed)... 

email
Pro- I can put my thoughts down in an unhurried manner and keep the conversation on track...
con-i really hate doing things that way....


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

How would you guys handle this


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I would do nothing. She will get the message when you stop having to work so hard and if she becomes more appropriate, you might decide to have some connection with the child.

Just my opinion


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> I have a tough question for you guys....
> quick background.. when i came home from deployment in september,found out my wife was cheating on me with a 21 year old guy(she's 30)in front of our five year old.. continued to see him after i confronted her...i moved out, and a as of two weeks ago, she moved to NY with her parents...you can read the whole long story if you want under "Advice please"... i am filing for divorce this week.
> 
> Our son is not my biological son. she had him in a previous relationship. His dad is not in the picture, and he calls me daddy...when she left, we had not come up with a definate plan as far as wether i was going to continue to be in his life or not.
> ...


Why do you need to do anything? Talk to her only to move the divorce forward, but don't raise this issue. If it is important to her, she can raise it.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

she did once after she left...i had texted her asking about the lease we had to get out of here in VA.. she blew up on me because 
A. I just asked her about the house, no hellos how are yous and what not...this is after about a week of going dark..
B. I hadnt called to talk to our son for that week...when we have an ongoing understanding that he can call me when he wants to...(he is five and having a hard time adjusting, and really hates to talk on the phone)...i didnt call because i had been in texas visiting family....

I feel like i need to do something...i don't know why, but i do...i guess it feels cowardly to not announce my intentions towards him. but i don't know what else to do...i get no effort from her whatsoever...she didn't even call or text me yesterday, our second wedding anniversary...big surprise...and i wasnt going to call her...


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> she did once after she left...i had texted her asking about the lease we had to get out of here in VA.. she blew up on me because
> A. I just asked her about the house, no hellos how are yous and what not...this is after about a week of going dark..
> B. I hadnt called to talk to our son for that week...when we have an ongoing understanding that he can call me when he wants to...(he is five and having a hard time adjusting, and really hates to talk on the phone)...i didnt call because i had been in texas visiting family....
> 
> I feel like i need to do something...i don't know why, but i do...i guess it feels cowardly to not announce my intentions towards him. but i don't know what else to do...i get no effort from her whatsoever...she didn't even call or text me yesterday, our second wedding anniversary...big surprise...and i wasnt going to call her...


Her actions have already sent the message - she does not want you in his life. Since you agree, no need to rehash the decision.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

yeah, and i think the real reason she blew up on me last week, i think it was more that i hadnt broken down and called her...i honestly think she is waiting for me to back down from my decision to divorce her...plus i think she sees our son as her link to keep her hooks in me


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

how long have you been in his life?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

2.5 years


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You have been this kids dad for half his life and you want to just disappear? That's cruel  

FYI In Canada you would have to pay child support - I don't know whether that's true where you live or not.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

no, actualy i would love to be part of his life...but his mother has moved him to NY, which is 500 miles away...she makes zero effort for me to be able to see or talk to him...i just don't see how its going to work...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I guess the point I am trying to make is, if you give up and don't try, then there's no chance you and he will stay in touch. If you don't give up, if you keep trying, if you don't let her take your child from you, then sure, it's going to be way harder to do, but there's a chance that you won't have to give him up. And even if it doesn't work out, he will know that you tried. Knowing that will make a huge difference to him as he gets older.

I'm not talking out of my ass here. I have three kids whose dad dropped out of their lives, and i've seen the effect it's had on them as they grew up. If they knew he had at least TRIED, they wouldn't hate him so much today.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I understand what you are saying, and to be honest with you i am very torn about this. what happens when she meets her next victim. and she makes him his next dad. what them. very confused


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you adobted him,there by giving him your last name?


If he's just calling you dad, I have a feeling your STBXW will find someone else for that job.

It appears she has no concern for her childs future or family value, so with that said have you talked to the grandparents? Your folks my be supportive but hers may not.

It takes a village to raise a child so please consult with any aunts and uncles...on both sides. You may need this kind of support if you decide to take on any future attempts to be this kids dad.

If this kids entire family is willing to except you as the dad and this entire family excepts the boy as there grandson,nephew,and cousin. well it may be worth the finacial effort to explore the possiblity of adobtion w/joint cusduty.

With out this legal order there is a very good chance that you will fade out of this unfortinate boys memory, as your STBXW goes from man to man.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

no i havent adopted him, we were going to but of course this all happened. and you are right, who does this all in front of thier child...her parents were and i assume (unless she is telling some outrageous lies about me) still are supportive about me and him. my parents want whats best for me...they accepted him without question while we were married, but they really doubt that we can find a way to make things work with me and the boy..but they would support me in any decsion i make.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Ask your lawyer re any rights you may have. I would try to stay in his life, although it may be impossible. Depends on what roadblocks she puts up.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I just read your other thread and it seems like the inlaws would be supportive, but my guess is she made you look like the bad guy. 

Face it she still believes there is someone else and in her warped mind you have cheated on her. So since you did not expose the affair to her parents and she has done the damage control, and you have no proof to clearify the fact with the inlaws, it sound like this little boy is sh!t out of luck in keeping a dad.

Sorry bro, and to others, please when it comes to infidelity # 1 rule gather evidence, #2 rule expose........

IMO I see any support from the inlaws is gone and you do not have the evidence to set them straight. IDK if this is really worth it, going down the road with the inlaws, there still may be hope for the boy. Especially if the inlaws aren't as proud of there daughter as your STBXW thinks they are, then they my except your ettempt to legaly be this boys dad. It may be his only hope, if they (inlaws) see it like many on here see it.

Again my main point here is if you want this boy then do it legaly and but your last name on him.......do not do it 1/2 @ss, if you do, he will just fade away. But with a legal order of adobtion then you have that to stand behide, when the "new daddy" comes around.

Thank you for your service ((((crazyconfused)))


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

i agree, the inlaws would be supportive...
i don't think she really thinks that i cheated on her...guess i should have explained that one a little better...i think that was more of a dig at me and a grab for info...she has it in her head that i will just go out and get another woman...trust me, if she thought i had cheated, i would have been dodging a ball bat or things being thrown at me...

I have been sitting here going over this whole thing in my head again, and to be honest with you, i just dont see it working...i see her and I (both with pretty hot tempers), really butting heads and him being caught in the middle....with us getting divorced, i don't think that she would let me adopt him, and i think that as soon as she starts to "get over me" any interaction with him would fade away...so i am standing by my earlier decision.....but the question is, how do i tell her....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Don't tell her, show her with action. File and serve then go dark!
Face it she has a temper and no good will come of it. She will manage you into more guilt. Remember the 180 and protecting your self emotionally

I quess if she told you about her lack of boundries and imoral compase, and was about to have an affair, then she would diserve an explaination. But since she did not give you the same curtusy, I see no reason why she gets any curdiuosy from you in informing her about the divorce.

Beside never show your hand, rule # 3 never let them know your game plan. You will be pest served in listening to this...trust me.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I certainly plan to go with that plan as far as the divorce...except i have already told her i don't want to work it out...i was referring to the fact that i am not going to be in the boys life....email or phone...read my initial post my pro's and cons


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

This one is tough....

But as a son of a man who adopted me when he married my mother my opinion is a little skewed. 

Look I am not in your circumstance, I would like to think that a 1,000 mile trip to say good bye to this little boy face to face is at least you can do....I would arrange it through your in-laws.

Work with your in-laws to continue communication, skype seems to be a better option than phone calls for scheduled communication. 

However, having said this, I know that you soon to be ex is likely the type to try to punish you by withholding contact with the boy, no matter the damage it will do to the boy. Too self centered. 

What ever you decide to do I wish you the best and I will pray for trhe boy.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Of course, you can try maintaining relationship with her son, but in all practicality you would be trying to take on too much. By divorcing her, you are divorcing her son as well. I know he would be better off with you in his life, but she is not allowing first by having this affair, and then leaving you to NY. 

Your concern and care for her son is admirable, but I think you should be realistic here. Like you mentioned yourself, she will find another man soon, and the new man will be the boy's new father. At that point, you will gradually fade even from the boy's memory. 

It's sad, but this is the choice thrusted onto you by your WW. And, he is the innocent victim in all this. But, you must allow yourself to move on to have your life as well. Don't let your past drag you down.


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