# Friends with benefits but still married… Help!!



## Agustina (Aug 27, 2021)

So this is the deal, I met my current husband almost 14 years ago, we have been married for 11 now, we have two kids together. Before marrying we were very best friends, never fight, and at least I was very in the love with him since the first day we met, he had his doubts and was not sure about being with me, in the end, as I wanted to move on with my life, he changed his mind and committed to us and we got married.
Since we are married we started to fight from time to time about small things (normal things, stress) but it has scaled in the last years, to the point that I didn't feel that much in love anymore and wished better to be by myself. That was last year. 
Everything changed this year. He had an affair and I found it out. 
It hurt me so much, and I realized how much I do still love him and the threat of losing him was horrible. He was also terribly sorry, we stay together and decided to fight for our marriage.

After some months, conversations between us about our feelings for each other have been so confusing. We do love each other very much and we don't want to hurt ourselves, we care a lot about our children and have big projects renovating our house. We are still very good friends. But sometimes we are not sure if we still love each other in the way married people should. I don't feel that he wants me still to be his wife and I consider separating, but financially it's not possible for me to do it now.
My husband says that he wants to be still with me, his wish would be that each one of us gets a part of the house and shares the kids' education and household chores… but also at the same time he still wants to have sex with me and he swears that there is no other woman. I do not agree with this situation, I told him either we stay together as a couple and figure out our issues and fight for our relationship, or we should split (hopefully without big dramas and fights and continue co-parenting our children). He sees that very black or white solution and wants to find something in the middle… I think he just doesn't want to lose his friend with benefits.

My big problem right now is to find a spatial solution. To sleep in other rooms doesn't really help if I have to see him every day in the kitchen, I also work from home and cannot afford a flat, we pay the mortgage together and are in the renovation process also together. I really want to stay with him, in this house, without feeling that I am just his flatmate and sometimes his lover.

How can I set borders on him when I actually want to rescue this marriage? How can I recognize if there is something to rescue or should I settle for the idea that actually we are just friends?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If you still want to save the marriage, this solution won't work for you. You are the weakest link in the relationship. And he knows this, and that's why he thinks he can have everything: his freedom and sex with you. How convenient! Just tell him that, if he doesn't want to be married to you, then no sex, no friend with benefits. See how he reacts.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He doesn’t want to lose the person making his life cushy. It’s convenient for him but he’s not committed to only you.

It doesn’t matter about the house Reno and whether it’s convenient - if you want to have your future and your life you’re going to need to end the marriage so you can find a man that respects and honors you (that’s not him).

Check with an attorney. You may get half the house money and child and spousal support if you divorce him. He probably knows this.

He wants to use you. Don’t allow that. You deserve better.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Remember - friends don't have sex.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

You seem to have an idea about love that it is an immutable feeling. It's not. It changes and it needs to be worked on throughout the relationship, and more so if the couple have children together and everyday life concerns. Also, love by itself is not enough to sustain a marriage. You need to work on your differences as each grows and changes as you go through life, which is an expected part of your lives as individuals. 
That said, your husband cheated on you; he breached your trust and betrayed his marriage and his children, and it seems that he is not remorseful enough to want to be faithful to you for the rest of your marriage. He wants to have you AND other women at the same time. How entitled! This obviously does not work for you. You don't want to be sitting there waiting for him to want to have sex with you while he is banging other women. And I agree with you. This is no way to live with dignity. Either you work together on having a functional marriage that does not include third parties, or you divorce. Don't think that you will be destitute as you divorce. He owes you child support and half your joint assets.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

Agustina said:


> So this is the deal, I met my current husband almost 14 years ago, we have been married for 11 now, we have two kids together. Before marrying we were very best friends, never fight, and at least I was very in the love with him since the first day we met, he had his doubts and was not sure about being with me, in the end, as I wanted to move on with my life, he changed his mind and committed to us and we got married.
> Since we are married we started to fight from time to time about small things (normal things, stress) but it has scaled in the last years, to the point that I didn't feel that much in love anymore and wished better to be by myself. That was last year.
> Everything changed this year. He had an affair and I found it out.
> It hurt me so much, and I realized how much I do still love him and the threat of losing him was horrible. He was also terribly sorry, we stay together and decided to fight for our marriage.
> ...


Saving your marriage is VERY important. Maybe our marriage experience can be of some help to you. About 7 years into our marriage, I got involved in a serious love relationship with another woman (nonphysical, but deeply emotional). The ordeal lasted several months and was a huge thing for us to overcome. I finally came to understand that being married meant that the intimate love relationship I shared with my wife had to be exclusive; there was no room for a 3rd person. Once I abruptly, decisively, and permanently stopped all interaction with the other woman, we were able to put our marriage back together. My wife suffered a great deal, but stayed with me, listened to me, and helped me get thru it. I'd like to be more specific about how she helped me, but I'm not sure that I can remember after all these years.

Of course, one of the things we had to do was to really talk and listen to each other; sometimes it was painful fighting, sometimes just exhausting conversation.


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## married54yrs (Aug 27, 2021)

married54yrs said:


> Saving your marriage is VERY important. Maybe our marriage experience can be of some help to you. About 7 years into our marriage, I got involved in a serious love relationship with another woman (nonphysical, but deeply emotional). The ordeal lasted several months and was a huge thing for us to overcome. I finally came to understand that being married meant that the intimate love relationship I shared with my wife had to be exclusive; there was no room for a 3rd person. Once I abruptly, decisively, and permanently stopped all interaction with the other woman, we were able to put our marriage back together. My wife suffered a great deal, but stayed with me, listened to me, and helped me get thru it. I'd like to be more specific about how she helped me, but I'm not sure that I can remember after all these years.
> 
> Of course, one of the things we had to do was to really talk and listen to each other; sometimes it was painful fighting, sometimes just exhausting conversation.


When my wife and I fight, my first reaction is to think about all the ways in which she is wrong, and I am right. Her reaction is to think about all the ways in which I am wrong, and she is right. After many years, which have included some pretty painful fights, we finally realized a GREAT TRUTH, in some ways I am both right AND wrong, and in some ways, my wife is both right AND wrong.

We both have to accept that the other person is at least partially right, which means that BOTH of us are also at least partially wrong. Each one of us has to change in some way. Neither one of us wants to change; neither one of us wants to admit to being wrong, even in a tiny way. Sometimes the biggest change we can make is merely to recognize the need for change. Other times we decide to change, and we talk about how to go about changing.


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