# How do you get over setbacks like this? I feel very taken advantage of



## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I had made a post here recently about a guy who I found out after weeks of talking and skype conversations, is married. How do you guys get over this kind of stuff? I feel so ridiculous right now. He lied to me, he is basically on a dating site looking for other women. I should hate this guy. He says he is on there looking for friends. Bs. What guy goes on a dating site to look for friends?!

We talked for a good few weeks but never met. He never asked me on a date or for his number. I knew something wasn't right with how much he said he liked talking to me. I even started to wonder in the back of my mind if he was with someone, it was the only thing that made sense. 

Why do these guys say things like they are falling for you and want to be with you. People like this just make no sense to me. I feel rejected and used and taken advantage of. We hadn't even met up, but we were talking all the time and I really felt the potential for something (in my head at least). 

Now he has been really distant and says he just thinks we should be friends for now because it is easier and he can't deal with all my emotions and drama over this, but do you blame me? HE IS MARRIED! I am so mad right now. I don't know why I keep falling for the same guys over and over again. I don't know why I don't just have the strength to block this a hole. I just can't bring myself to do it, and I don't know why. 

I am even blaming myself for ruining this by being too over the top. I hadn't felt this way in a really long time, but it was all a lie and a fantasy. He is always on the site too.

I just get so disheartened because I am not in a position to go out a lot and meet people. I have some health issues that limit me from going out and drinking and things like that, so I am usually pretty chilled out in regards to what I do, and I don't do much at all. I just can't seem to find a decent guy.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You have to understand that you literally know nothing about the other person unless/until you meet and spend real world time together. Until then, whatever feelings you have for the other person are all in your head based on how you'd like to perceive them, not necessarily how they actually are. I suggest no more than a couple weeks of online chat before arranging a meeting. That way, you don't run the risk of developing feelings for someone who isn't at all what you imagined.

You weren't specific about your health condition, but you don't have to go drinking and raising hell in order to have a social life. You can join hobby groups, volunteer somewhere in whatever capacity works with your health issues, take a class (cooking, sewing, origami, a musical instrument, language, whatever you like), and even do something as simple as spend time outside at the local park enjoying the day and chatting with random people. Online dating is definitely not the only way to meet a decent man. The more you're out there meeting and talking to people, the better your odds of meeting or being set up with a good guy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

rocknrolla said:


> I just get so disheartened because I am not in a position to go out a lot and meet people. I have some health issues that limit me from going out and drinking and things like that, so I am usually pretty chilled out in regards to what I do, and I don't do much at all. I just can't seem to find a decent guy.


This is top secret information...

Generally speaking the technology/engineering sector is mostly men, so if you can find an opportunity to socialize with a venue of this nature, you will find many men that do not have much opportunities to go out and meet people. 

My sister's best friend was a school teacher, and she transitioned to working as a team manager at a technology company, and she basically got to take her pick of whatever guy she wanted.

...as for online dating, I would advise you have a friend filter your correspondence for you that has done it before as he/she will know more about all the nonsense that goes on with that type of crowd.

Good luck, 
Badsanta


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

Thank you. I am trying to just think I had a lucky escape here, even if he did leave her. It just makes no sense to me why men say they have all these feelings. It wasn't even like he was trying to meet me for sex. It makes no sense to me what he was getting out of this. Crazy.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

rocknrolla said:


> Thank you. I am trying to just think I had a lucky escape here, even if he did leave her. It just makes no sense to me why men say they have all these feelings. It wasn't even like he was trying to meet me for sex. It makes no sense to me what he was getting out of this. Crazy.


Validation/attention, that is all he was looking for. Just use it as a learning experience, keep a positive outlook and move forward.


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

And if he messages definitely ignore. It will be hard, but I just need to tell myself he isn't for real about me.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

rocknrolla said:


> It just makes no sense to me why men say they have all these feelings. It wasn't even like he was trying to meet me for sex. It makes no sense to me what he was getting out of this.


It doesn't just have to be sex. The feeling of just being desired is very powerful. It makes him feel good to know that he can have an emotional connection with you. Plus, you never know what he planned for the future. I would guess sex would come up at some point.

From what I've read, I think this is more common with women on dating websites. They may have little or no intention of meeting, but they chat with men because it makes them feel good to have men fawning over them. Men also enjoy that feeling, but it's not as common since it's not as easy for them to get women interested.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

I would most defintely block the guy, even if he did leave his marriage at this point he's indesicive about his actual wants and or needs. He is not worth figuring out and or getting involved in his mess. He lied to you from the beginning, anything you thought you really liked about him was made from a lie. 

You liked the idea of connecting with someone. You can connect with someone and you will, when you know how to disconnect from misleading men such as him. 

As another poster stated, I would keep talking to no more than a 2wk mark before a first intial public meet up.


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

And this is exactly it. I feel like blocking him is admitting the fantasy was a lie and it will be done. He said everything I wanted a guy to say and mean. I know he didn't mean it, but I desperately wanted it to be real.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Do you know his name? Married men don't seek out women as friends (OSF) except for affairs - emotional or other. If you know who he is in RL I'd let his wife know.

Blocking him only says "I'm on to your ass".  So do it! Not blocking him only makes him think "Ah... she bought it!"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if this is a recurring problem for you - getting into pseudo-relationships with married men - then that indicates a problem with you. Sure, married men who troll for strange online are jerks. But if you keep falling for them, that's your own issue. You might look into seeing a therapist to help you figure out why you're drawn to pick, and keep in contact with, men who are obviously both unavailable and of poor character.


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

No. He is obviously covering his ass. He hasn't given me his last name or number. He communicates only through the site. A few days ago I called him out and was like where is your wife when you're always on here?! He said she was right next to him but couldn't see the screen. Seriously.


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I haven't actually ever fallen for a married man, it is more just falling for jerks


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## rocknrolla (Jun 14, 2015)

I have considered that. When someone else would say game over I still can't walk away. I have wondered why I can't many times


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Many people online are attention seekers and many are married. Don't for a second think only guys do this. I have figured out or met several married women online just looking for attention or affairs. 

The first rule of thumb is nothing is real until you meet. People like about thier ages, weight, wealth, marriage status, all of it. You have to push the agenda of meeting and meeting soon even if it's just for coffee. Online dating is a crap shoot. Keep low expectations until you meet. No long term relationships by skype or email or text.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

rocknrolla,

I understand the addictive nature of the conversations you had with this guy, but you didn't follow your gut when he did not reveal his identity. 

Chalk it up as a lesson and try to find out his identity to out him to his wife. Play along if you have to. Although you were foolish to give yourself to someone who wanted to give you nothing, the married man was the one who emotionally abused you and it was intentional. 

I'm sure MM will say something like "it's all part of the game", "hate the game not the player" so sad too bad MM loses this time.

Tamat


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## Tito Santana (Jul 9, 2015)

rocknrolla said:


> No. He is obviously covering his ass. He hasn't given me his last name or number. He communicates only through the site. A few days ago I called him out and was like where is your wife when you're always on here?! He said she was right next to him but couldn't see the screen. Seriously.


Take it as a learning experience. You dodged a bullet. The guy is a POS. He's married, talking up other women on line, while his wife is sitting next to him. Even if he wanted to/was willing to leave his wife, would you want that guy? He would do the exact same thing to you, as soon as he got bored. Don't underestimate his intentions either. You may think he wasn't interested in sex, but I would be willing to bet he would try to set it up eventually.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He does it because he wants excitement in his life. Something to look forward to. You aren't the first, and you definitely won't be the last, to buy into his fantasy as he's typing messages while sitting next to his wife. 

He never intended to meet you so there never were going to be any actions to back the words up. The purpose was to have you validate that he's great. And to bring back the giddy feeling people get in the beginning when they meet someone new. That's what he's seeking. Many people have affairs to get that feeling back. 

Maybe he's too scared to have a physical affair (or maybe he's been caught before) so he thinks this is the next best thing -- at your expense. And there are many more out there just like him so be aware of that going forward. 

Stop wasting your time. Block him. And move on. 

PS
You get over setbacks by not keeping in your life the person causing them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

This is exactly why talking for weeks to a random is not the best thing to do, next time have a couple of chats and then meet in person.

Why are you still talking to him? Why did you get attached to a person behind a screen? Sure he has issue but you might want to be a bit introspective and find out why you have these continual issues. It is not hard to meet decent men online if you have firm boundaries, value yourself and have some dignity. Maybe it is time to get offline for awhile, it is not for you ATM.


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