# How do I take care of myself?



## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

I think maybe I will get some good replies to the title. Ok here it goes my wife and I were separated last year and got back together for about 8 months. Things were great and then she decided she was done with things and pretty much is done with 17yrs of marriage. Thinking we are going to separate and eventually divorce. I am crushed over this and am having a hard time with things. Everybody has been telling me I need to take care of myself. How do I go about doing that if my heart is broken?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Wow been there...right down to the 17 years. I feel your pain. 

Last year at this time she was gone about 2 months and the pain was terrible. Thankfully I had a large support group on call to let me work through it. 

Thankfully she was open to MC, IC and eventually a marriage workshop. We came very close to D, but at the last hour she woke up.

I knew our marriage was mostly good. 95%+. Something changed her and the fact she was mid forties, working out like never before, got braces on her perfectly fine teeth, talked about getting a boob job, etc all pointed to the mid life crisis (depression).

Since your time-frame is so close to ours, could this be what is going on?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

To answer you question:

Learn and live the 180.
Get a good IC.
Get a good support group.

Finally, if there is any hope, do everything you can to mitigate the damage. Don't make things worse.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

This is me said:


> Wow been there...right down to the 17 years. I feel your pain.
> 
> Last year at this time she was gone about 2 months and the pain was terrible. Thankfully I had a large support group on call to let me work through it.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice. I thought we were through the rough patch when we got back together after the separation. Things were great. Yes she is working out and is looking great. Mid forties and good looking. Not sure what she is looking for. Have seen some things that make me wonder what she's up to.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

This is me said:


> Wow been there...right down to the 17 years. I feel your pain.
> 
> Last year at this time she was gone about 2 months and the pain was terrible. Thankfully I had a large support group on call to let me work through it.
> 
> ...


I have lost patience and trust with her. Not sure how I can get that back.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

It's not over for you guys yet. 

Follow thisisme's advice and nuture yourself. Stay active, eat right, don't hide away and try to be hopeful about life in general.

Choose positivity instead of negativity, and better yourself for yourself. 

If she doesn't change her mind then at least you'll be in a healthier place.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

confused777 said:


> It's not over for you guys yet.
> 
> Follow thisisme's advice and nuture yourself. Stay active, eat right, don't hide away and try to be hopeful about life in general.
> 
> ...


Thanks, One thing I chose to do during last separation is to be healthy. I dropped 15 pounds and got myself in the best shape I have been in since high school. I feel great. Now all I need to do is get positive. Trying but things have been rough. Two kids and the holidays makes me think about next year and what would it be like not spending the holidays as a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

When I joined this site, people reassured me that I'd have bad days as well as good ones. It's ok to feel down, why wouldn't you?? But don't let it swallow you up.

I called my sister and so much positivity was happening in her home. I've been estranged from my family for the duration of my marriage and it was odd for me to hear happiness happening despite my current situation but it filled me with hope!

I know it's obvious that happiness exists out there, but it does. It's there and we just have to fix ourselves up again and make ourselves whole. Then we can be happy independently and with other people too.

We have to choose happiness. We have to nurture and tend to things and before we know it we will reap all the hard work.

I'm hurting too my friend and I'm scared about the future because it seems so bleak sometimes. But there's no one in the way of my happiness except myself. I don't need anyone to be happy. 

You can make all of your holidays wonderful with just you and our kids and whatever other family and friends that you have or will gain this coming year.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

confused777 said:


> When I joined this site, people reassured me that I'd have bad days as well as good ones. It's ok to feel down, why wouldn't you?? But don't let it swallow you up.
> 
> I called my sister and so much positivity was happening in her home. I've been estranged from my family for the duration of my marriage and it was odd for me to hear happiness happening despite my current situation but it filled me with hope!
> 
> ...


All I can say is thank you! That was wonderfully stated. I will try my best not to let it get me down. Because whatever happens in the future I do have two great kids and I love them with all my heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

But if you do get down, use your support networks and use this site too. It's given me so much insight and support. More than anything, I realize that I'm not alone in this and that's a sobering thought.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Some great advice by C777.

I would just add that if this is a MLC you should get educated on this glitch. As the spouse of someone going through this period, our job is to not make things worse. If you want to have your marriage back and healthier in the end, you need to keep your head, be the better person and be patient. Easier said then done...I know, but you will feel better about it however it goes.

I wish you well.


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## dontpanic (Feb 23, 2012)

This is me said:


> I would just add that if this is a MLC you should get educated on this glitch.


On MLC, I recommend the book "Listening to Midlife" by Mark Gerson - Listening to Midlife: Mark Gerzon: 9781570621680: Amazon.com: Books

(btw, ThisIsMe, I got such a kick out of your link MLC for Dummies. Except that my STBXH didn't cheat he could've written that. It cracked me up so much I wanted to send it to him with parts highlighted. Thankfully, I stopped myself bec it rlly violates 180. )


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

Had a talk with wife last night. She is going to go through with things. Not interested in trying to work it out. I have come to the realization that this is going to happen and I have done everything I can do. I have been a doormat for the last 1-1/2 years and I am going to dust myself off and move foward. I have no regrets with how I have been handling this situation. Time to be proactive.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Had a talk with wife last night. She is going to go through with things. Not interested in trying to work it out. I have come to the realization that this is going to happen and I have done everything I can do. I have been a doormat for the last 1-1/2 years and I am going to dust myself off and move foward. I have no regrets with how I have been handling this situation. Time to be proactive.


What a great attitude!

Being proactive will beneift you greatly, in the long run.

Good luck, dear!


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## jp787 (Dec 29, 2012)

confusedat42 said:


> Had a talk with wife last night. She is going to go through with things. Not interested in trying to work it out. I have come to the realization that this is going to happen and I have done everything I can do. I have been a doormat for the last 1-1/2 years and I am going to dust myself off and move foward. I have no regrets with how I have been handling this situation. Time to be proactive.


Good for you!
I am still a doormat trying to get myself into the 180 mode, it sure is hard!!! I can't eat, sleep or function. Hope you fare well and hang in there, I am trying myself...


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

jp787 said:


> Good for you!
> I am still a doormat trying to get myself into the 180 mode, it sure is hard!!! I can't eat, sleep or function. Hope you fare well and hang in there, I am trying myself...


My day started out with a good attitude. Has been going downhill since this morning. Having trouble with things. I feel your pain. I have decided not to worry about what she is doing and to worry about me. Having trouble with that today. Hang in there as I am also trying.


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## jp787 (Dec 29, 2012)

Yes I fight 24/7 to keep my head clear of my wife, doesn't work to well.


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## confusedat42 (Dec 17, 2012)

jp787 said:


> Yes I fight 24/7 to keep my head clear of my wife, doesn't work to well.


Have you considered talking to someone about that. I am going to a therepist starting this week. I think it should help. I am in a fog that I need to get out of. I am sure you are too. Time to work on us and stop worrying about them.


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