# Wife's Affair - My struggle and lessons learned



## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

Before I start my story I want to take a moment and thank all the TAM users that have taken the time to share insight and opinions based on their own experiences. Without this knowledge I would have not known what to look for when dealing with infidelity, nor would I have had the courage to make the tough decisions that needed to be made. I also want to apologize for how lengthy this is but I need to download everything for my own personal coping.

My STBXW and I met in college 5 years ago, a few months before graduation. After graduation my wife decided she did not want to do a long distance relationship, so I packed up my life and headed south leaving. We lived together for 3 years and have been married for 2. We both come from very loving families, have great careers, great friends, and have no reason to have any concern with our lives (or at least I thought). I treat my wife like a queen, have typical male communication problems at times, but never have I given her a reason to think she could not talk to me about her needs and feelings. I told her from day 1 that no topic would ever be considered taboo between us. She also told me from day 1 that she thought cheating was the worst thing ever and told me (quote) “I hope that if you ever start to have feelings for anyone, you have the love and respect to tell me so I can move on”. I agreed with her 100% and told her to do the same for me, I thought we were both on the same page. I have never EVER had a trust issue with her nor did I think she would ever do something to put our marriage in jeopardy. My recent struggle has taught me that ANYONE can be captivated by the fantasy world of an affair if placed in the right position at the right time. 

About March of this year (right after she returned from an out of state work seminar) I noticed a drastic change in my wife’s attitude towards me, her family, my family, and anyone that loved her. Her company has multiple offices around the country and all the similar departments from each office attended this seminar, of course I thought nothing of this because I trusted her. However I did express concern over one guy (the future OM) that I had “Mans Intuition” about from one of the out of state offices. This concern arose after me being present for a few after work calls with this guy. I knew he was married and had 2 young kids so I told her it was inappropriate and to think about how she would feel if she was his wife. She didn’t think it was a big deal and told me to stop worrying about it (SHOULD HAVE BEEN RED FLAG #1). Her attitude gradually became worse as the days progressed towards everyone. The sex stopped, the kissing and hugs stopped, basic conversation between husband and wife turned into arguing like the flip of a switch. She told me she was lost and needed to find herself before she could re-discover us. She said it would take time and I needed to support her which I did to the best of my ability. She realized she needed to talk with a professional to help her work through whatever demons she was battling. The days went on and it continued to get worse and worse, her family tried to talk with her, her friends and myself at least 50 times. Every time counseling was brought up it turned into an argument and always with the same line “I need to do this on my own terms and when I am ready”. Stupidly we all stopped trying to convince her and started to accommodate her attitude towards us (me & family). In early June she finally made the call and found a counselor that she felt comfortable with, her first appointment was June 27th.

D-Day: Flash forward to June 25th, I receive the monthly cell phone statement, which I never look at in detail, and find that my bill is $100 more than usual. She has been very busy work (I know this is true because I was helping at home after hours), but she has also been getting help from one of the guys in the out of state office. I downloaded the detail from the bill electronically and filtered by the number with the most activity, turned out to be the same area code as the out of state office. Added up the minutes and it amounted to over 2200 minutes in one month (first red flag goes up). I called her and asked about it and she told me it was the OM in the out of state office who had been helping her. I calmly asked her why she was not using her office phone if it was business related; she responded it was just more convenient (red flag 2). I immediately went back to the bill and looked at the call times, and conveniently they were all when she was driving to and from work, after I went to sleep, and anytime I wasn’t around. I then ran the history back to the earliest record of the OM’s # (Surprise it was March) and the total minutes came out to over 4000 (not including the 2200 above) ----red flag 3 raised. I called her back and calmly questioned her, she told me they were just really good friends and she enjoyed talking to him we agreed to discuss it at home that evening. 

I googled “wife’s emotional affair” and ended up on the TAM boards, I read every thread I could get my hands on. I made notes for signs your wife is having an affair, what to do if she is, how to handle emotions/reactions, and how to move forward with your ultimate decision to stay or leave. Little did I know at the time that my wife’s affair would play out to the “T” of very single post on TAM. I drilled my notes into my head and started to prepare myself for the worst (also studied the 180). We didn’t have the discussion until about 10pm that evening because I told myself I would not venture down the path of no return without being 100% prepared. I followed advice given by TAM users and calmly asked her to be honest with me and tell me what a married man and women were doing talking spending over 6000 minutes on the phone in 4 months. She said they were just friends and she felt like she could talk about anything to him, and that he was there for her (for attention) when I wasn’t. I told her that the reason she felt I was not giving her the proper attention was because she was getting it from another source. I have always showered her with attention and love but it was always pushed away, after all she doesn’t need to double up on those emotions when she is getting everything she wants to hear from the OM in the land of rainbows and unicorns. I told her this was her one chance to come clean and another lie would result in me walking out of the door forever. She confessed to being in love with him, that it started back in March at the seminar, and that the OM was going through a separation with his wife for the past 2 months (red flag 3, 4, & 5). Thanks to TAM I knew that I was getting the “trickle”, and knew that at the least she was not telling me: (1) It had already gone physical (2) it was so deep underground that I would need a drill rig to find it, and (3) they were making plans for their new life of “fantasy”. I immediately and calmly set up my boundaries. I watched her send the NC letter (via email with return receipt), made her check her facebook, email, skype, and chat in front of me and blocked the OM. I found nothing in any of the accounts. I told her she no longer had the right to privacy and that any contact with the OM would result in her immediate dismissal from my life. I exposed her to her brother our 2 closest friends who knew we were having issues, and to my family. I agreed to let her tell her family with me in front of them as well (she still hasn’t done this). Even after all this she did not provide me with any sign of remorse other than “Im sorry, I feel terrible”. She tried playing the classic flip flop again saying I wasn’t there for her and marriage was 50/50. I agree that marriage is 50/50, and maybe I was lacking 5% of my 50% commitment in some areas, but the affair and her actions are 100% her responsibility and no one held a gun to head. Tears ensued, I stupidly comforted her and said we would get through it she was being totally honest with me. We were both mentally exhausted and decided to sleep on it for the night. This all happened Monday the 25th.
The next morning when she was in the shower car and purse were searched for the burner phone, didn’t find one. When she left for work the keylogger was installed on her laptop. Before I went down this path I gave myself 2 boundaries (1) I would only check for a phone and the keylogger for 1 week, and if I found nothing then I could move on with her, and (2) the 180 would be in full force during that week. 

She went to her first IC appointment on the 27th, and I was thrilled about her sticking to her commitment until she got home and told me what the IC told her. She tried to convince my wife that I really wasn’t there for her, and that her feelings towards the OM were justifiable. She then told her to get a book and she would see her again on JULY 17th! I was not happy, but again, calmly told her that the affair was no one’s fault but her own and IC had to be at the minimum one a week.

D-Day Part 2: On Friday the 29th I worked late and she went out for drinks with some of her girlfriends. I went home, checked the key logger and SURPRISE a burner email account. I downloaded a nice little program that allowed me to back up her entire account to my hard drive without ever logging into her account. I could go on for pages about what was in the emails but I will vomit on my key board if I do. I will summarize and say that it was the weirdest “were just friends” emails I have ever seen, I was not aware that friends have multiple sexual encounters, send tons of nude photos back and forth, talk about fantasies straight out of 50 Shades of Grey, discuss their future together, blah blah blah….puke. Thankfully I had mentally prepared myself for this and it hit me a lot softer than if I had found out all at once (this is all thanks to my TAM support). I had what I needed and my fears were confirmed. She called and said she had too much to drink and was sleeping over at one of her girlfriends; I acted friendly and gave her no inclination that I knew anything. I packed all my belongings, loaded the truck, transferred half of our savings to my personal checking, wrote my “Peace-Out” letter, and walked out the door. When she got home in the morning she called 100 times which I ignored, late in the afternoon she finally answered and she still would not accept responsibility nor show the remorse that you would expect in this situation (never the less my mind was already made up and anything she said would not make a difference). It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life to walk away from the person I loved with all my heart and planned on growing old with, but the boundaries were set for a reason and I had to stick to them to start my healing process. As much as I would love to be there and help her through her struggles, I have enough respect for myself to walk away and I will be a better man for it in the long run. It is not fair to either party to have worry about trust everyday and I know I would never be able to get over a betrayal on this level. The most important lessons I have taken away from this experience is (1) Someone cannot love 2 people at the same and if they try fantasy love will always prevail if not stopped at Day zero (which unfortunately I was too late), and (2) you must love and respect yourself above all to be truly happy.

Thank you all for listening to me rant about my week from hell. I would have never had the courage to handle the situation without the advice from the TAM community. I wish the best to anyone who is currently going through this struggle, but know that all the advice one could ever need to make it through the rough waters is only a click away.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Well done.

Make sure to tell her family your side of the story before she makes you the bad guy for dissolving the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Wow I must commend you for the way you've handled the situation and you're one of the few betrayed spouses that actually follows the advice we give.....

I wish you the best and if your story evolves make sure to update us.

Goodluck


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

A very mature and effective way of dealing with it I must say,
But you need to expose it to her side of the family and yours, its the only way your reputation won't be compromised.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good job and good luck. I'm sorry she was such a coward. Expose her to everyone before she trashes you. And make sure you keep us apprised of what happens.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Your post made me cry, I know you are enduring an unbelievable amount of pain. Be very gentle with yourself, get sleep, eat right, fresh air, exercise. Get tested for STDs and get some antidepressants if you need them. You are still functioning in the shock and denial phase despite your strength, be prepared for the downward turn as the adrenaline wears off

It is horrific to realize a person you hold so dear could turn out to be such a skillful liar. My heart goes out to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Also expose to the OM's wife. She deserves to know what her husband has been up to.

Best of luck


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

mahike said:


> Also expose to the OM's wife. She deserves to know what her husband has been up to.
> 
> Best of luck



keep in mind that the OM being separated could be a lie from either OM or your wife to protect him


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

lostin513,

Been there. Believe me you have handled this thing in the way I WISHED I would have.

Stay strong because I know this experience is something that you would not wish on your worst enemy. Don't be reluctant to seek help from friends, family and professional counselors. This is hard to do alone.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Now its time for exposure, else she will make you the villain.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Please read stories of bandit.45 and Shamwow.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Lostin513:

I am glad you finally filed for divorce. 

I thank TAM, too. 

It gave me the courage to file. 

There are just too many stories of affairs that go underground or spouses who lie about ending the affair. 

Of course she called 100 times, too.

You are her security in life and she knows the affair is fantasy, but she is too selfish to give it up.

Perhaps she is addicted to the high of new love or sex.

Either way an addict no matter what they are addicted to typically reoffend and they never make good spouse material. 

As you can see on TAM there are plenty of people who honor their marriage vows and honor monogamy. 

Now you can go find one. You deserve it.

Best wished.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> A very mature and effective way of dealing with it I must say,
> But you need to expose it to her side of the family and yours, its the only way your reputation won't be compromised.


She has been exposed to every one with the exception of her parents. I have exposed to all of our best friends, our friends whom she works with, my family, her brother (who is my biggest advocate). The only reason I decided to let her tell her parents (who love me and have watched my struggle develop) is because I want her to see the pain in both their eyes when she tells them. I also told her that I will be talking to them after she does for my own personal closure and that if she does not tell them EVERYTHING, I will give them a copy of the phone bill and of all their emails. I told her she has until tonight to pull the trigger or the ball is my court.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Wow, just wow.:smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> She has been exposed to every one with the exception of her parents. I have exposed to all of our best friends, our friends whom she works with, my family, her brother (who is my biggest advocate). The only reason I decided to let her tell her parents (who love me and have watched my struggle develop) is because I want her to see the pain in both their eyes when she tells them. I also told her that I will be talking to them after she does for my own personal closure and that if she does not tell them EVERYTHING, I will give them a copy of the phone bill and of all their emails. I told her she has until tonight to pull the trigger or the ball is my court.


Betcha anything she'll find a way to weasel out of it. I would call them now tell them that the two of you are divorcing and that she will be telling them why. If she doesn't one of them will call you back to get the scoop. Bet on it.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

As sad as I am to see yet another marriage in trouble, I'm glad the collective experience of this board has helped yet another person cope with infidelity. 

It just goes to prove that even though there may 30+ active posters in CWI, there are literally hundreds of people who are lurking, reading, and learning. They benefit from the collective wisdom of the board even if they don't post their own story.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Will she lose her job due to workplace affair? 

And Im not sure how much it will make a difference in your state, but will you pursue adultery as the grounds for divorce to bypass delays and get a more favorable settlement?


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> It just goes to prove that even though there may 30+ active posters in CWI, there are literally hundreds of people who are lurking, reading, and learning. They benefit from the collective wisdom of the board even if they don't post their own story.


That's both worrying and depressing


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> keep in mind that the OM being separated could be a lie from either OM or your wife to protect him


I agree 100%, but due to some of the emails I have seen it appears this situation is the grounds for their separation. Also given they both work for the same company I don't want to put her career in jeopardy if the OM's wife goes bat sh#t crazy (don't get me wrong there are times I think about it and want to bring the world crashing down on her) but she is paying heavily for her decisions right now.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

lostin513 said:


> I agree 100%, but due to some of the emails I have seen it appears this situation is the grounds for their separation. Also given they both work for the same company I don't want to put her career in jeopardy if the OM's wife goes bat sh#t crazy (don't get me wrong there are times I think about it and want to bring the world crashing down on her) but she is paying heavily for her decisions right now.


In other words, your WW is a home wrecker and that she and OM destroyed the OMWs marriage as well as your own. I bet the OMW would like to have a few choice words with your WW.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Will she lose her job due to workplace affair?
> 
> And Im not sure how much it will make a difference in your state, but will you pursue adultery as the grounds for divorce to bypass delays and get a more favorable settlement?


I want it to be as clean and simple as possible. Fortunately when she started developing her issues (even before the affair started) I told her I would not have anything jointly with her until she worked out her issues by going to MC/IC. She never did so so our condo and the car payment are in her name. We have individual checking and joint savings (which I transferred on D-Day 2) to my account. She has already agreed to dissolution in lieu of divorce so we will be sitting down to divide up the physical contents. I already have contacted an attorney and will demand that she is the one to waive her rights to legal counsel


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

JB100 said:


> Hello,
> 
> Sorry to hear about what is happening to you. I just hate how she once mentioned that "cheating is the worst thing you can do" and yet she still does it.
> 
> Did she at least tell you why she did it? Even if she is not sorry, did she at least say she was feeling neglected or whatever? How often were their physical sexual encounters? I know it started in March apparently but did they meet once a month or something?


She told me he was there for her when she needed him. I told her that even if I was there (which I was and always pushed away) she still would have felt neglected because she got every thing emotionally she needed from him. What she can't understand is that if she was living with this man everyday under the same roof, she would still be in the same boat and looking elsewhere.

4 encounters that I know of (vomit), one planned for early August. But there was constant phone sex/skype sex almost every night after I fell asleep.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

If I'm ever tossed into the hell that you just went through, I hope that I handle it like you did. :smnotworthy:

Stay strong.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> She told me he was there for her when she needed him. I told her that even if I was there (which I was and always pushed away) she still would have felt neglected because she got every thing emotionally she needed from him. What she can't understand is that if she was living with this man everyday under the same roof, she would still be in the same boat and looking elsewhere.
> 
> 4 encounters that I know of (vomit), one planned for early August. But there was constant phone sex/skype sex almost every night after I fell asleep.


So no remorse on her part? Just blameshifting. Typical.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

You are handling this well...stay strong.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> So no remorse on her part? Just blameshifting. Typical.


IKR? The players may change, the circumstances might be different, but the typical wayward behavior is so predictable. They don't call it the cheaters script/playbook for nothing.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

Did all of this yesterday, she cried, got upset, tried blame shifting, I just had to keep bringing her back to "the affair is 100% your fault, no one held a gun to your head" but she still thinks its my fault she was "driven" to him.

She did say she was very appreciative of how calm I have been throughout the whole process, I was surprised to hear that. She said if the shoe was on the other foot she would have flipped out.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lostin513 said:


> I agree 100%, but due to some of the emails I have seen it appears this situation is the grounds for their separation. Also given they both work for the same company I don't want to put her career in jeopardy if the OM's wife goes bat sh#t crazy (don't get me wrong there are times I think about it and want to bring the world crashing down on her) but she is paying heavily for her decisions right now.



so you would possibly deny this woman to know the truth just because you are afraid she will go crazy?

and where did you hear that she would go crazy, from your wife? (that's another part of cheater's script)


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> Did all of this yesterday, she cried, got upset, tried blame shifting, I just had to keep bringing her back to "the affair is 100% your fault, no one held a gun to your head" but she still thinks its my fault she was "driven" to him.
> 
> She did say she was very appreciative of how calm I have been throughout the whole process, I was surprised to hear that. She said if the shoe was on the other foot she would have flipped out.


Tell her that this "calmness" is actually detachment. Tell her she no longer can control you emotionally because you no longer care about her opinion of you.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

lostin513 said:


> Did all of this yesterday, she cried, got upset, tried blame shifting, I just had to keep bringing her back to "the affair is 100% your fault, no one held a gun to your head" but she still thinks its my fault she was "driven" to him.


She is an immature little girl who has not grown up. Until she takes responsibility for her actions, she's not fit to be anyman's wife.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> so you would possibly deny this woman to know the truth just because you are afraid she will go crazy?
> 
> and where did you hear that she would go crazy, from your wife? (that's another part of cheater's script)


I do agree with you that she deserves to know. Wife never said she would go crazy....more worried about my wife going crazy and trying to protect OM and screw me by going full blown divorce (which is the last thing I want). I kind of want to wait for the dissolution to be finalize before I do anything else. I am so emotionally drained...told the story 1000 times, really trying to get my head back on straight so I can finish doing what I need to do.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

I think lostin is right, just play it cool till the D is final. Don't blow up on her or anything, its the best way to get a clean break, then you can get on with your life without having to worry about an angry ex


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I think in the Cheater's Handbook, it's in Chapter 13, titled "Protecting Your Affair Partner". 

My buddy bandit.45 knows about that one and how his WW reacted to exposure to the OMW.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Well done, Lostin. I think you played a blinder!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> I think in the Cheater's Handbook, it's in Chapter 13, titled "Protecting Your Affair Partner".
> 
> My buddy bandit.45 knows about that one and how his WW reacted to exposure to the OMW.


It was beautiful. Spectacular. It will go down as one of my fondest memories.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> It was beautiful. Spectacular. It will go down as one of my fondest memories.


Bandit.45 & Shamwow, both of your stories were key to my decisions and I respect you both immensely for sharing and providing so much insight.

What amazes me the most is the true in "they all follow the same script" blows my mind. I know exactly what to look for and knew what lie she was going to tell before it even spewed out of her mouth.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> It was beautiful. Spectacular. It will go down as one of my fondest memories.


and mine goes down as one of my worst memories, I botched mine up so bad


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Mine was amazing too, especially when I played the aloof goof when the D papers came home, had a call from the OM two days later, "YOu....stop spreading lies....You" right!! bet you were sh*tting in your pants eh mate?

But my worst memories are the months leading up to it. And the months that followed beautiful yet ugly


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lostin513 said:


> I agree 100%, but due to some of the emails I have seen it appears this situation is the grounds for their separation. Also given they both work for the same company I don't want to put her career in jeopardy if the OM's wife goes bat sh#t crazy (don't get me wrong there are times I think about it and want to bring the world crashing down on her)* but she is paying heavily for her decisions right now*.


WHAT?!?!? No she isn't. Plus the OMW has the right to know exactly what kind of a douche bag she married. So, she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her marriage. I mean, if she had this information. Wouldn't you want to know? 

I agree with other poster. I'll bet my left testicle that the OM isn't seperated and his wife doesn't have a clue. And if they ARE seperated...well, Gee....I wonder why? If they are seperated he's probably blameshifting her to death thinking that the demise of her marriage was entirely her fault because she wasn't attentive to his needs; that she fought with him too much (and the fact is, he's probably the one that started the fights). Why would you allow her to think that her marriage died because she was a bad wife? The information you have might hurt her a little, but at least she can have some piece of mind.

If he loses his job over this. OH WELL!!!! Maybe he shouldn't have been sleeping with a married woman that's also an employee of the same company. And if she gets fired because they were conducting an affair on company time and on the company dime. OH WELL!!! They're grown adults and KNOW BETTER!!!

Look, this isn't your fault, you didn't start this and you didn't deserve this. So, I would make sure you finished it. Look, you set up your boundries and she spit those boundries back in your face. Now, it's time to unleash hell.

I'm sure the OMW would LOVE to see the texts and the pictures that were sent.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

crossbar said:


> WHAT?!?!? No she isn't. Plus the OMW has the right to know exactly what kind of a douche bag she married. So, she can make an informed decision on what she wants to do with her marriage. I mean, if she had this information. Wouldn't you want to know?
> 
> I agree with other poster. I'll bet my left testicle that the OM isn't seperated and his wife doesn't have a clue. And if they ARE seperated...well, Gee....I wonder why? If they are seperated he's probably blameshifting her to death thinking that the demise of her marriage was entirely her fault because she wasn't attentive to his needs; that she fought with him too much (and the fact is, he's probably the one that started the fights). Why would you allow her to think that her marriage died because she was a bad wife? The information you have might hurt her a little, but at least she can have some piece of mind.
> 
> ...


I agree.

Remember *ing's* wife. She lied to him for months telling him the OM and his wife were split up. It was a lie. In fact they were actively gaslighting the OMW to make her think she was crazy thinking her husband was having an affair.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I agree.
> 
> Remember *ing's* wife. She lied to him for months telling him the OM and his wife were split up. It was a lie. In fact they were actively gaslighting the OMW to make her think she was crazy thinking her husband was having an affair.


I agree 100% but like I said earlier I would much rather finalize the D and be out of it before throwing the gas on the fire, let my STBXW and the d-bag OM scum deal with putting the flames out.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> I agree 100% but like I said earlier I would much rather finalize the D and be out of it before throwing the gas on the fire, let my STBXW and the d-bag OM scum deal with putting the flames out.


But aren't you sacrificing your morals? How does this make you any better than your wife and the OM? You are consciously witholding information to another person who is being actively taken advantage of in order to make sure _you_ recieve the maximum benefit. 

Can you not see how wrong this is?

Yes, it could make the divorce go in a direction you do not want it to, but doesn't the OMW deserve to know she is being lied to and manipulated? 

Why not inform her without giving up your identity?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Did you ever reveal that you found the bs email account?
also I hope you enjoy finding someone else. I am sure your STBXW will be out in the cold soon once she realizes that their relationship with OM is superficial and ultimately doomed. How could she trust him if he was willing to cheat with her?

You sir get to walk away with your head held high. You did nothing wrong and most counselors fail because the believe the bull that WW are spewing. If you are not honest with your counselor they are more likely to comeback with bad advice.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> But aren't you sacrificing your morals? How does this make you any better than your wife and the OM? You are consciously witholding information to another person who is being actively taken advantage of in order to make sure _you_ recieve the maximum benefit.
> 
> Can you not see how wrong this is?
> 
> ...


bandit its a dog eat dog world, I would probably expose it to OMW anonymously. But i wouldn't advice OP on what to do.

Do what feels right to you


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> But aren't you sacrificing your morals? How does this make you any better than your wife and the OM? You are consciously witholding information to another person who is being actively taken advantage of in order to make sure _you_ recieve the maximum benefit.
> 
> Can you not see how wrong this is?
> 
> ...


You are 100% right I need to do it. Now I just need to figure out a way of getting her contact info. I only know the OM's name but the usual sources for finding people have not been successful. 

Any suggestions?


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Facebook account? or contact the HR department and ask for his home phone number


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

In my case I was able to find her through the OM's facebook page. I found out from there where she worked and then called her office and asked for her e-mail. 

Some people have recommended Spokeo.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

badbane said:


> Did you ever reveal that you found the bs email account?
> also I hope you enjoy finding someone else. I am sure your STBXW will be out in the cold soon once she realizes that their relationship with OM is superficial and ultimately doomed. How could she trust him if he was willing to cheat with her?
> 
> You sir get to walk away with your head held high. You did nothing wrong and most counselors fail because the believe the bull that WW are spewing. If you are not honest with your counselor they are more likely to comeback with bad advice.


Yes, when I went through them the first time I marked all the email with inappropriate pictures of my STBXW and moved them to another folder. Then my Brother in law read every single remaining email with me. He said he didn't want to read the vomit inducing material but he wanted to know the whole truth so he could support me and call BS if she tries to lie and bad mouth me to her family. He has been great support through this. He said "I love my sister no matter what, put she needs to pay for this and take full accountability"


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Sorry that you're here, Lost, but it sounds like you are handling things well. Please know that you will get past this and that you will eventually find someone who values you the same way that you value them.

Stay strong.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> Yes, when I went through them the first time I marked all the email with inappropriate pictures of my STBXW and moved them to another folder. Then my Brother in law read every single remaining email with me. He said he didn't want to read the vomit inducing material but he wanted to know the whole truth so he could support me and call BS if she tries to lie and bad mouth me to her family. He has been great support through this. He said "I love my sister no matter what, put she needs to pay for this and take full accountability"


Awesome.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Thats real love man what your BIL is doing, its called tough love, most of the times the in laws are quick to jump to the defense of their precious little girl


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> You are 100% right I need to do it. Now I just need to figure out a way of getting her contact info. I only know the OM's name but the usual sources for finding people have not been successful.
> 
> Any suggestions?


spokeo, zabasearch, facebook, even simple google searches will yield good results. 

Worst case scenario you could pay a PI $50-100 to get her home/cell/work phone #s. You'll later deduct this from your wife's share during divorce settlement.


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

> You'll later deduct this from your wife's share during divorce settlement.


I love how brutal keko can be


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> Yes, when I went through them the first time I marked all the email with inappropriate pictures of my STBXW and moved them to another folder. Then my Brother in law read every single remaining email with me. He said he didn't want to read the vomit inducing material but he wanted to know the whole truth so he could support me and call BS if she tries to lie and bad mouth me to her family. He has been great support through this. He said "I love my sister no matter what, put she needs to pay for this and take full accountability"


That's a great brother in law there... True man that. I would hold on to the guy as a friend whatever it goes down.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

anonymouskitty said:


> I love how brutal keko can be


I love the honesty, and anonymouskitty's avatar because it represents how I really feel under all this calm I am trying to portray.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

lostin513 said:


> I love the honesty, and anonymouskitty's avatar because it represents how I really feel under all this calm I am trying to portray.


Its normal but before your anger and rage gets out of control find ways to release all that energy. Are you working out or playing sports?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

lostin513 said:


> Bandit.45 & Shamwow, both of your stories were key to my decisions and I respect you both immensely for sharing and providing so much insight.


Yeah, Bandit went to hell and back with his story. And Bandit is one tough SOB. But, it's funny when he softens up a bit in posts and shows he's actually one big Teddy Bear.. Nothin but love, dude!


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

keko said:


> Its normal but before your anger and rage gets out of control find ways to release all that energy. Are you working out or playing sports?


Ya just started working out again. Thinking about volunteering to coach wrestling and golf, both would have been out of the question in the past.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Wow!!!!
You handled it with maturity, control and you know what you were doing. You were firm and were not afraid of letting her go, even-though you loved her. This is what self-respect is about !!!
Hardly any BS handles it the way you did.

Congrats and good luck finding a better woman for you!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

LOstin,

Thank you for being strong, manning up and walking away from someone that you love dearly.

Your wife is very sick and it is great the way you handled it with your BIL. 

I highly doubt she will speak to her parents or tell them the truth.

As far as the OMW, I can understand you getting the dissolution done first while your wife is out to lunch but maybe you can time expose them to the OMW as it coincides with their mutual visit in August.

Kill 2 birds with one stone if you know what I mean.

Again, I hope you find happiness sooner rather than later. I also pray that your wife comes to her senses and gets the professional help she needs before her whole family writes her off.

Keep your sanity and your health.

HM64


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

If it’s any consolation, the odds of your WW and OM lasting longer than a year is anywhere from zero to none. The fastest way to end an A is to make it a real relationship which kills the fantasy. Dollar to donuts she will regret all of this and one day will tell you that you were the best thing that ever happen to her and doesn’t deserve you (which would be correct). 

The less she see/hears from you, the more she will think about you. I tell you this because one day you are going to find the tables have turned and she will be begging you to take her back and you’ll not care (probably have a new gf by then).

She is setting herself up for failure and this may end up being the best thing that happened to you believe it or not. You will end up being in a far better place than her by this time next year. I've seen it happen many times.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

lostin513 said:


> I do agree with you that she deserves to know. Wife never said she would go crazy....more worried about my wife going crazy and trying to protect OM and screw me by going full blown divorce (which is the last thing I want). I kind of want to wait for the dissolution to be finalize before I do anything else. I am so emotionally drained...told the story 1000 times, really trying to get my head back on straight so I can finish doing what I need to do.


Stop messing around and making excuses , you have done extremely well so far why carry on enabling the affair by not telling the OM's wife. . All your doing by not letting her know is perpetuating the lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Another point because the marriage was very short I don't see her getting any support even if she were to lose her job, if you're afraid of her losing her job might backfire on you.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Actually Lost, I think you should be buying the OM a nice gift card because he brought out traits in your wife which makes her no good to you for the long term. He did you a favor as you will see when you're rid of her and she cheating on the next guy. 
Other than that, she’d make a perfect role model to teach your future kids about right and wrong.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> It was beautiful. Spectacular. It will go down as one of my fondest memories.


tell us about it, or post the link


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This is most beautifully handled affair on TAM. Even lascarx had some hiccups once initially.

Now wait for the pain to hit you. The next few months will be brutal on you. Surround yourself with strong emotional support and friends.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

anonim said:


> tell us about it, or post the link


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/39686-21-years-down-hole.html


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

Fvstringpicker said:


> Actually Lost, I think you should be buying the OM a nice gift card because he brought out traits in your wife which makes her no good to you for the long term. He did you a favor as you will see when you're rid of her and she cheating on the next guy.
> Other than that, she’d make a perfect role model to teach your future kids about right and wrong.


So true, the built up anger makes one forget that in the end the BS will be a much better person for walking away. I personally could never trust her ever again and it is not fair to myself to live every day worrying about what she might be doing behind my back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

So did she tell her parents or did you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> In my case I was able to find her through the OM's facebook page. I found out from there where she worked and then called her office and asked for her e-mail.
> 
> Some people have recommended Spokeo.


Decided to have my buddy who lives near the OM do some browsing to get the contact info for the OM's wife. Keep running into dead ends online. My BIL even told me last night that I had to tell the OM's wife. I know what I need to do.


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## lostin513 (Jun 27, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> So did she tell her parents or did you?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She told them last night. Her dad texted me this morning and told me to let them know if there was anything I needed and they want to talk with me (which I was planning on doing anyways). I am surprised she even built up enough courage to do it, she has been the most selfish coward imaginable since she was exposed. 

The time to worry about what others think is long gone. The time to take accountability for her actions is now.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You can bet she's going to spin it to make you out to be a mean, abusive, neglectful, thoughtless husband who drove her onto another man's crank. Go see the inlaws as soon as you can before they drink her coolaid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Lost,

Check in and let us know how you are doing buddy???

Hm64


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Lost,

Good luck, don't ever look back, you gave all you could. One final thought that took me many months to internalize and understand...

Your wife and her affair was really never anything about you. It was all about her and her selfish attitude towards life. If it wasn't you it would of been some other guy. The point... with my own cheating wife, the selfish person, the moral compass, were present long before the betrayal. Just like hiding her affairs, she hid her real personality and attitude towards marriage very well.


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

Inspiring story.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

This thread should be stickies or something


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

OP was last logged in on 26/9/2012 so is still looking in from time to time.

Perhaps he would like to give an update on how things are going?


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> I agree.
> 
> Remember *ing's* wife. She lied to him for months telling him the OM and his wife were split up. It was a lie. In fact they were actively gaslighting the OMW to make her think she was crazy thinking her husband was having an affair.


When much younger, I had a GF who was cheating on me tell me that I was losing my mind, imagining things, that I was going schizophrenic, but because she loved me she was going to stand by me through my troubles. All along I had incontrovertible proof in the form of scores of sordid SMS's and emails she and her new beau had been sending each other.

It has kinda scarred me to this day, which is why I am always wary, to know that they will look you dead in the eyes and lie. Lie, lie, lie. They will even try to convince you that you are mentally ill. Even my wife at the moment is guilty of it. Telling me that I am psycho for thinking our sexless marriage is not normal, and that I am psycho for being hurt over her emotional affair with a work colleague that "wasn't like that"


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