# After 8 long years, I feel like its time...



## ColdAqua (Apr 25, 2017)

I've been with my wife for 8 years and have 2 beautiful daughters together. Problem is, I've had to work horrendous jobs/hours to support my family and normally, I wouldn't have an issue with that. My issue comes in when I realize that I've been working, alone, for 5 of the 8 years we've been married. My wife can not keep a job. She's also picky about what jobs she applies for. I recommended starting her job history over and at a smaller place like a fast food joint or a store like Wal-Mart. Just to get SOMETHING current on her resume. I don't hound her anymore about it and have resulted into just wallowing in my own depression. I think it's time for me to just give it up. I've lost the feeling when it comes to the relationship because I've harbored feelings of being leeched upon. I try not to think of it that way, but I'm young. I'm only 26 and I don't want my kids to grow up, seeing daddy being cold and dismissive. I don't want my daughters to seek that kind of man when they grow up. I've tried personal counseling for myself. Tried marriage counseling for the both of us. I don't brag but I casually study a large amount of subjects, psychology being one of them. I've done the role of counselor for friends and family who couldn't bring themselves to reach out to someone who they don't know. I even tried this role on my wife to see where the dots aren't connecting. To no avail. I don't know where to turn. Everyone I know, the closest of loved ones, the best of friends, have told me to leave. I just don't want to leave my kids... But I can't take them away from their mother. She's a good mom. She just doesn't seem to have the drive to take her life into her own hands instead of relying on me to be there to save her. After maturing more, I realize that she always had someone to save her. Parents. Me. But I can't MAKE her do anything. And I'd rather make a decision before I stop liking her as a person.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Easy. She's got you, and when you divorce her, she will be collecting child support and alimony and still not work.

Before you mention divorce and get her pissed, see an attorney and get the scoop on how to do this the right way.

Have you tried saying get a job by x date, or move out by that date?
I agree that dead weight is tough to carry. But plan ahead.


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## ColdAqua (Apr 25, 2017)

Yeah I've tried putting a date on this but she never delivers. This relationship is causing seld destructive behavior in me and I've noticed, but I'm just too depressed to care at this point. Thank God for high metabolism, eh?

But i have no qualms about giving her money every now and then to pay for stuff for our daughters. She's not a horrible person, i know the money would go towards the kids. I just want to be free of this marriage. It's too damaged, she's too damaged, and I'm too damaged. I'll ask about the child support deal because i dont need to be plowed to take care of my kids. I want to. I just dont want to have to take care of her anymore while she stays at home, on facebook, plays games, and whines about how hard home life is.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

She is still young. Most people don't figure out themselves before 30, or even never at all. If she didn't learn this stuff from her parents, then she's just doing what she knows. We all do.
Since you have some psychology knowledge, perhaps you could help her, or get her some help?
It's difficult sometimes to see that others simply don't know what we may take for granted as common sense.
Add in having children, and her capacity to learn these things is more limited as she is in mother mode, but more important as your kids will learn from her.
Does she understand consequences and boundaries? How to cope with disappointment? How to resolve her expectations and her own responsibilities in those?
If not, the job thing is just a symptom of where's she at, emotionally.



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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I suspect it is not her fault. She is low drive. She is stuck in low gear. She cannot go faster then 15 MPH. Life and you are passing her by.
That said, do not hate her or despise her.

Trade her in. 

Do so with care. Polish her paint, vacuum her interior. Buff her her tired old tires. Get her ready for the next buyer. Some old gent who is happy with a low powered vehicle to take him to the corner lick-her store.

She is a good women...for some other man.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I suspect it is not her fault. She is low drive. She is stuck in low gear. She cannot go faster then 15 MPH. Life and you are passing her by.
> 
> That said, do not hate her or despise her.
> 
> ...




This. And since she is going to be around your children, do it for their sake


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

Dude your giving up on her for one disagreement? Get over it man! Sorry to be so blunt I'm probably a little disgruntled from my own mess, but common man! Why would you want to let something so silly get to you?

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

A partner's unwillingness to work is NOT something silly.


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## ColdAqua (Apr 25, 2017)

I will try to be gentle as i can possibly muster the cells in this human form to be. I will not give an ultimatum... But i will announce my unwillingness to continue this relationship if she doesnt put forth the effort.

And before you get intensively triggered even further, this isnt "one disagreement." this is the livelihood of our relationship, our household, and our f-n daughters. I want to at least believe if something happens to me, they will want for nothing. This isnt one disagreement. Its 5 years of not working. This is a choice.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> A partner's unwillingness to work is NOT something silly.


If she is caring for 2 small children and the home, she IS working.


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## ColdAqua (Apr 25, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> 3Xnocharm said:
> 
> 
> > A partner's unwillingness to work is NOT something silly.
> ...


I'm an involved father. What she is dealing with for house chores, I've been there, done that. Kids destroy and spill stuff, no problem, they're kids. They're only little once. When she isn't able to keep pace, i step in and take over her chores and tell her to sit and relax. I've done the stay-at-home-dad thing when we were severely arguing and she refused to do anything. Even cook. Its basic adult responsibility and cleanliness. I was raised to do all the things women are "supposed" to do so i didnt have to rely on a woman to have home.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

ColdAqua said:


> I'm an involved father. What she is dealing with for house chores, I've been there, done that. Kids destroy and spill stuff, no problem, they're kids. They're only little once. When she isn't able to keep pace, i step in and take over her chores and tell her to sit and relax. I've done the stay-at-home-dad thing when we were severely arguing and she refused to do anything. Even cook. Its basic adult responsibility and cleanliness. I was raised to do all the things women are "supposed" to do so i didnt have to rely on a woman to have home.


How old are your children? 

If your wife agrees to get a job, who will take care of the children? Have you calculated the cost of childcare versus your wife's potential income from a 'fast food restaurant' or 'Wal-Mart'?

Are you willing to pick up the slack on the cooking, the household chores, child rearing if your wife were to go back to work?


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

You are! No your not hiting a personal nerve and being polite through your frustration is very admirable! Sit down and think about what you would do or say if your daughter was in the situation that your wife is currently in. You would probably tell her to go out and get a job which is probably good advice, I can't really say. How would you respond to her husband's actions?
I get your point! It's very easy to be stressed over finances! It is! What kind of remodel do you want to be for your girls in either situation? If you stay or if you go, gotta love the ramones! If you go are you going to be the father that still gives their mother an amazing mother's day because that is how you would want them to see the opposite sex? If you stay can you surpass these emotions that seem like they are strapping cinder blocks to your legs for their sake? There's more emotions at play here along with the finances of either decision. So figure it out through your daughters eyes and what you would want them to choose as a potential mate in their futures.


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## ColdAqua (Apr 25, 2017)

Children are 4 and 2. I can't do what she won't allow me to do. She's made it clear that if we separate, we won't be the happily separated, single parents that only have the interest of the kids at heart. There'll be damage for sure and it will be hurt instead of bitterness. 

However, she also doesn't want to just stay for the kids. We talked and i asked her if she knew the difference by just looking at me, if i was staying just for the kids. She said she thinks that's already what I'm doing. But lets clarify my point of view on this. Again, i can not leave cold-turkey, knowing that she cant take care of the kids, or herself, financially. They are both going to school so caretaker expenses are nonexistent. I'd be absent, but frequently there and paying for everything as usual. Just not handling an adult on my own (her parents will assist). But regardless, i will do my part.

And again, i was raised better than to leave all the chores on the shoulders of a working person. So no, she wont be doing it all AND working. 

And im not materialistic, but when you cant get your daughters a birthday gift because all the money went to bills and your check was short because of hours, im sorry but no one is going to tell me thats ok when ive been going through this for so long. This isnt the era of romeo and juliet. Im not dying for love. Love takes 2. Communication, intimacy, and finances are 3 basic structures of successful marriage that require teamwork. When one of these suffers, there will be problems. Finances, like it or not, is a big part when it comes to a lifetime partnership. So i will not so idly dismiss it, as if its not important enough to separate over. Its just as important as communication and intimacy.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Ok so your daughters are still very young and not in school yet. So if your wife goes and gets an $8/hr part time job at Walmart or something, your daycare costs are going to be off the charts, completely eating up any money she brings in. The only way this wont happen is if she gets opposite shifts as you and you take care of them while she works.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

However, she also doesn't want to just stay for the kids. We talked and i asked her if she knew the difference by just looking at me, if i was staying just for the kids. She said she thinks that's already what I'm doing. But lets clarify my point of view on this. Again, i can not leave cold-turkey, knowing that she cant take care of the kids, or herself, financially. *They are both going to school so caretaker expenses are nonexistent.* I'd be absent, but frequently there and paying for everything as usual. Just not handling an adult on my own (her parents will assist). But regardless, i will do my part.
[/QUOTE]
@3Xnocharm, I think the post above indicates they are in school at the moment.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Keke24 said:


> However, she also doesn't want to just stay for the kids. We talked and i asked her if she knew the difference by just looking at me, if i was staying just for the kids. She said she thinks that's already what I'm doing. But lets clarify my point of view on this. Again, i can not leave cold-turkey, knowing that she cant take care of the kids, or herself, financially. *They are both going to school so caretaker expenses are nonexistent.* I'd be absent, but frequently there and paying for everything as usual. Just not handling an adult on my own (her parents will assist). But regardless, i will do my part.


 @3Xnocharm, I think the post above indicates they are in school at the moment.[/QUOTE]

How is it that a child of 2 is at school????? I thought they didn't start till about 5 there? In the UK they dont start till they are 4, but even then there are the 12 weeks they are off on school holidays, the many times that small children get ill etc where they need caring for.


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## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

I went to a private preschool at 2 years old until kindergarten. It's possible that his kid is in some sort of early start program too.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Coldaqua,
What's the most important thing you need addressed, first? Financially, do you need her to go to work to ease the burdens, is there anything you could do yourself that doesn't rely on her? Things like cutting expenses (internet, cable, trading down vehicles). That stuff alone has some side affects to her as well 


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## Sunny3 (Apr 25, 2017)

ColdAqua It's not okay for her to just decide that you both splitting should be terrible. You both should try to open up to each others feelings and needs. If you have both tried therapy then maybe googling excersizes you both can do to help with that would help. Only you two can decide if you want to and also what works best for both of you. Either way your stuck with each other so might as well give it a shot! 
When you have discussed this topic with her what are her exact reasons why she does not want to work. Not that job stunk but why has she lost her enthusiasm exactly?
If she did work would you want to reconsile or are you past that?

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## truthbringer (Aug 26, 2017)

Okay first off, if she's at home with the kids 24\7 then she IS working. Sorry to be so blunt, but are you really upset because she wont work, or is this just you unwilling to be a man about taking care of your family? Do you even love your wife?

Seeing as though this post is old have things gotten better? Or are you still hard on her for not working? I agree with the others, instead of pushing her to work, take into consideration of daycare costs that your wife is saving you guys on.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

When I delete a post due to being on a zombie thread I really don't like to find it quoted. especially when you are just agreeing with me.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I would say on the practical side that your girls need a full time Mom for at least 4 years, and a part time mom for 10 years or so after that. The only point I see in favor of your complaint is the she was unemployed before the first child was born. But, difficult pregnancy could cover that. I just can't agree with your claim that she is dead weight.


Bringing up children and running a home is a full-time job.


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