# Age.



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It appears that most of us here are late 30's to mid-40's. Does age come in to play when taking stock of your marriage?
For me, I am having a milestone birthday in 10 months and perhaps that is part of the reason I see fractures within my marriage. 

Is your marriage a symptom of a larger picture? Are you happy career wise/education wise? 

In poking around my life, I see fractures in other areas and feel I have let myself down to some extent. 

Anybody care to share?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am 29, the H is 37. I think my age has affected him, because he was in a different place then I was for a while there. I wasn't too hot on buying a house, but he had been ready for years. I finally caved and I am happy we have it. 

I waited for my kids to get into full time school before I went to college since I have my own GI Bill from when I was AD. I think being in the Army helped me feel like I had accomplished a lot even at my young age. I was only 25 when I got out LOL. 

Going to school definately is helping me feel more like a "partner" I guess. Being a SAHM for those few years really made me feel unequal, but then again he made sure of that feeling as well. 

I think now that I am doing something for myself again, we are both a lot happier!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I am 31, he's 33. I don't think our ages have made us look differently at our relationship. I do think it has put us in a different place in our lives, so we have different expectations, needs, and wants from it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Thank you both for sharing. You two are still young and it seems like alot of us here are older. Me? 39. I was curious if there was a correlation between "getting older" and doing the sniff test of the marriage. There seems to be many of us here that are in the "MLC" timeframe and are now taking stock of certain aspects of our life.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Dawn,

Thank you for your service! I have nothing but respect for people in the military.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Brennan said:


> Thank you both for sharing. You two are still young and it seems like alot of us here are older. Me? 39. I was curious if there was a correlation between "getting older" and doing the sniff test of the marriage. There seems to be many of us here that are in the "MLC" timeframe and are now taking stock of certain aspects of our life.


 I think this happened to my H when he was about 35, and that is when he had his affair. He didn't like the way the marriage was, but he didn't want to do anything to fix it either. Instead he chose the destructive path only to realize after I found out the full extent of his involvement in our problems. I think most of the people here are a step ahead and willing to recognize their faults and work on it, where he wasn't at that time. He is now, so who knows LOL


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Brennan said:


> Dawn,
> 
> Thank you for your service! I have nothing but respect for people in the military.


 Ah, thank you. I truly owe the military, it helped me grow up and also is providing my college money right now. My college money is helping me mature as well, so I can honestly say I owe a lot of my knowledge to the Army.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

I'm 25 my ex almost 30. He seems more immature than me in certain aspects. But since the age gap between him and his father is MUCH larger than your average father/son age difference, sometimes he seemed like a grumpy old man and it really bugged me.


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## Chasing Rainbows (Oct 9, 2010)

I do think that age has come into play to a certain extent in my case. I am in my late 30's, ex is early 40's. We both had our own issues and our main problem seemed to be lack of communication and not meeting each others emotional needs. This could have been a symptom of the larger picture though.

I know he is not happy within himself and that is what he is searching for. He has a fantastic career but I think he is at a stage in it where he thinks is this it? He created a lifestyle for us which was really above our means too (I wish I had been involved in the finances! ) He bought the sports car and lots of other things,,, It all seems to be about his image and how people see him and I think he was bucking under the pressure to maintain this. Something had to give and unfortunately it was me! Not that I lay all the blame on the failure of our marriage on him I am just as much to blame.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Both in mid forties. She wants to coast downhill, but I'm just starting. The trigger for me was a medical issue, which was initially believed to be terminal. I've always been aggressive in life and a weightlifter, but it still took over a year to recover. 

I think that even with her BPD issues, I thought 'at least we'll be there for each other through the hard times'. I was down for the first time in my life and she saw it as an opportunity to fix me. It was an ugly time.

For 20 years, I was committed and thought the efforts would help her overcome, but I began to ask myself if I would ever get anything out of the relationship. Sounds cruel, I know, but BPD'ers often see their husband/wife as the enemy.

Now, she's trying to work on things with a therapist. Even said she would like to know what kind of novels I write as a hobby, and try to understand what I do for a living (I implement new technologies for better cost and quality into production in the automotive industry. Laser processes, electron microscope analysis, etc)


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## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

I'm 40, H 51. Yes, milestones have created many fractures, or brought them to light. More for me than H. I too feel I've let myself down or allowed my self to 'miss out' per say.

H was actually close to my age now, back when we got married. He was 38..wait..39. (I always say we are 10yrs apart when in reality way birthdays fall we are 11) 

Sadly, I have realized at this age, I missed out on creating and maintaing good friendships. Never hung out with the girls growing up and I was even a cheerleader. Never had girls over to my house. I always had a boyfriend and he was the one I made my friend, my life. Now, I've become complacent, maybe even co-dependent possibly. H had it all put together when we married. A house that he grewl up in and bought from parents, independence, responsible, and extremely self aware and confident. I connect to his hip! Almost his shadow. I worshiped him. Had/has a self employed business and I was his biggest fan trying to encourage him to do it full time. 

Now...I miss not having those girlfriends. I see and read ladies having girl trips, vacations, nights out or weekends away. Wish I had that, want it. Although in marriage I do believe we should be best of friends, along the way and personally and honestly feel somewhere our ages have kind of switched roles. I now have grown personally and through work. I'm the one with the good steady job and the one who feels more independent and sometimes confident. Although I lack self-esteem, I am confident when it comes to work or being able to communicate with people. H is now insecure, not as confident and wanting to be connect to my hip, my shadow. 

Not sure if this was what you were looking for in way of people to share. I still believe age is just a number. However, I also realize, as we get older, our ages are a huge difference besides the number. I don't want to settle, be a home body, be our own little world. I want outside relationships, friendships, and now at this age, for me to want to spread my wings a bit, get those things in my life as it's still not too late, H isn't liking it at all. He feels the 3 of us (me, him, and DD) is all we need. Very threatend now. It's becoming more than fracture for me.


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

I've heard this before but it involved a craving for a sports car and the need to ogle women. Oh wait, that was in the men's clubhouse sorry. 

We are in our mid forties and for me I don't think my need for education will ever be quashed. Whether it be the actual knowledge or the paper that comes with the learnin's. 

It's so easy now to take accredited courses from home on your own schedule you can 'catch up' fairly easily if it's troubling you. I find taking the free courses online a ton of fun and they are available on almost any subject now. Along with being able to read the classics I can read just about anything in the Library of Congress online for free in ebooks so I stay pretty mentally satisfied.

As far as cracks in my life armor go I find many but making myself happy is now is all about short term goals.

Ps. at 39 one day when I was actually feeling the pressure of age I happened across a bookmark in a Borders or Barnes and Noble store that made me smile the whole time I was in the store. For the first couple of years after that day every time I opened one of my books I saw the phrase 39 Forever and got a smile on my face. Now 3 or 4 years later that silly anecdote still puts a big smile on my face.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I'm 23, with the hubs being 27.

We seem to have it backwards. I am the one driven to pursue a future and a secure life, I want stability, I crave it. I want happiness and freedom from the area we live in, I want to move out of this god forsaken state, and I want a career and a healthy happy life. I want to work hard and strive for these things, do what it takes, be that sucess story, and have him with me working with me the whole way. 

He wants, to be loved, admired, sexually satisfied, and let the whole world pass him by while he plays d&d and smokes weed. If its too hard, he wont do it. If it requires effort, its not worth it. And, if it is an inconveniance, he ignores it and avoids it like the plague.

When I come home I see a messy house that I haven't tended to throughout my work week. When he comes home he sees I haven't done anything and ignores it.

So, I don't know about age in my situation. When I took those vows I was fully commited to what he said was "us beginning our life together" and fully commited to working towards that as one functioning couple.

its not so much an sniff for me, as it is that I don't want to waste my life sitting around stoned out of my mind living paycheck to paycheck and having to depend on his parents to bail us out because we have no money, no car, and a crappy menial jobs that are insulting to at least my intelligence and self respect. Age wise you'd think we'd be reversed.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

If you're a woman 40+ and thinking of divorce and/or having marital issues, unless you are absolutely stunning looking for your age, I would strongly recommend you work things out with your current marriage.

I've only seen one of my divorced female friends similar to my age remarried, and that took about five years to find a new man willing to do it with her that wasn't rancid.

Otherwise the sexual marketplace for 40+ women is fairly harsh. It's painful to read the Facebook status updates of my divorced female friends.

"I'm sad and lonely" "I found someone!" "It's awesome!" "OMG it happened again?!? He used me / dumped me / cheated on me / has another gf" Rinse repeat.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Brennan said:


> I was curious if there was a correlation between "getting older" and doing the sniff test of the marriage. There seems to be many of us here that are in the "MLC" timeframe and are now taking stock of certain aspects of our life.


 For me, Yes!! My entire marraige I feel I was "planning" for something....looking for that country house, hubby landing a better job, getting pregnant (struggled with infertility), wanting a daughter before I quit (Had 4 sons before we got our daughter), I did not slow down mentally & take much time to SMELL THE ROSES until I had ALL of these things in place. I feel we finally reached the Mountain top of life, now we can REST, live our dreams before our very eyes. We literally accomplished all we set out to do, even more. Like this song by Edwin Mccain YouTube - I could not ask for more

...... Then I suddenly realized we are no longer YOUNG anymore! I found this suddenly very very sad. Of coarse over these years we had wonderful beautiful treasured memories, all with 18 family photo albums full to attest. I seriously never thought/questioned anything in my marraige until my 40's. And I do believe it was MY Midlife Crisis. I suddenly wanted to be YOUNG AGAIN, go back in time. This feeling would become overwhelming at times. 

Some women want to take on the career they never went to school for, some discover Religion or a new philosophy, some loose their religion, some may want to go bungy jumping/climb a mountain, start a garden, get into Politics, some fall into affairs because they are not happy in their marraiges. 

For me, I wanted to rekindle Romance & Passion -it is the only thing, looking back, I feel I left by the wayside in our marraige. My whole Midlife Crisis experience has been "Sexual" -- desiring to act like lusty teens who are starving for each other. We didn't act like this much back in the day. And realizing my husband was 'slowing down" sexually was a huge blow for me. I feel we missed out on sooo many years where we could have been "like this" back then, but due to our not taking enough time -during all that planning & dreaming, his non-assertive ways & my pathetic inhibitions, we simply missed out on ALOT with each other. 

These are my only regrets in life/in marraige. His too - I believe. It took me awhile to climb out of my Mid Life Crisis, but I believe I am there- finally. I still probably act more like a 20 yr old than anyone who is old enough to have Grand children though!!

But I think that is a good thing.  And if my husband as much as says "he is an old man", I want to slap him.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> If you're a woman 40+ and thinking of divorce and/or having marital issues, unless you are absolutely stunning looking for your age, I would strongly recommend you work things out with your current marriage.
> 
> I've only seen one of my divorced female friends similar to my age remarried, and that took about five years to find a new man willing to do it with her that wasn't rancid.
> 
> ...


This is sad, but really seems true. One contributer of the problem is that too many young women are willing to marry older men if the financial security is there. Of my coworkers, very few would seem to marry a woman within ten years of their age. My wife hates our Christmas parties. She said the average age of the men goes up, but the average age of the 'trade-down' wives goes down.

My best friend recently got divorced after finding that his wife was having an affair. The dating site he uses allows a person to include income, which is verified. He's 46, but has received hundreds of hotlist invitations from women 15 years younger. I never realized such sites even existed.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

takris said:


> Both in mid forties. She wants to coast downhill, but I'm just starting. The trigger for me was a medical issue, which was initially believed to be terminal. I've always been aggressive in life and a weightlifter, but it still took over a year to recover.
> 
> I think that even with her BPD issues, I thought 'at least we'll be there for each other through the hard times'. I was down for the first time in my life and she saw it as an opportunity to fix me. It was an ugly time.
> 
> ...


Tak,

Have you ever heard of Richard Schwartz?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

mid 30's for both myself and wifey.......marriage is better, stronger, and more fun then ever. Kids on the other hand are getting harder and harder to manage comes with the territory...just the nature of the beast.

Wife and I both DON'T live through our kids, so neither of us feel like we have missed out on life. I have seen far too many parents/adults especially women that can't function once their kids are gone and they can't wait for grand kids to feel alive again. Our kids are quasi-spoiled depending on your definition and we do spend alot of time with them......especially ME  we clearly are living our own dreams too!

My wife and I said years ago YOU and ME first everyone else second and it has worked great. We make us the priority no matter what.

I can't stress the importance of *you are only as old as you feel* my wife's coworker is starting her 3rd career change at 51! First it was Programming (BS), then nursing (AS), now going back to school to be a Psychologist! My wife knows another person Lawyer who went to med school at 45 won't get out until he is 49!!

My wife is the same.......MS currently and she may go to med school in her late 30's even though it makes no sense financially it's a dream to help people more than she is able to now. As for me I'm just happy where I'm at trying to score every night  

Life goes by too fast, work hard, play hard, because before you know it it's over!

My grandma used to always say "Honey, I feel so young in my mind then I look in the mirror and see this old lady!"

Never too late to pursue dreams and get fulfulled!


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

^^^^^^^
I hear ya to a extent my wife and I have been together for 20 years married for 14 now and mid 30's of course lots of cheating in those highshcool/ college days.....most people our age have been together just a couple of years in comparison. 

We've just seen more....


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

OhGeesh said:


> ^^^^^^^
> I hear ya to a extent my wife and I have been together for 20 years married for 14 now and mid 30's of course lots of cheating in those highshcool/ college days.....most people our age have been together just a couple of years in comparison.
> 
> We've just seen more....


I hear you on that too. We are both 39 but have been married for 17 years, together for 19. We have an almost 18 year old. People our age have kids that are in early elementary school. The upside is going to his school functions and everybody there is over 50 and somewhat envious. 

Maybe we are both (hubbie and I) looking around and wondering is this it?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Once read a sentence, 

Instead of wishing yourself to live to 100 years old, better to start enjoy your life now. 

It really made me think. 

There is another book called " people only have 30 years " ( first 30 years are studying and learning, third 30 years are old and not good health, only the second 30 years are really theirs, being able to think for themselves and work for themselves)

I see some people work very hard to accumulate wealth, they work 12 hours a day or even more, they don't have much time to enjoy their life, and then when they are old, their bodies are worn down by all the years' of hard work, their hearts are worn down by all the years' of frustration. They have a lot of money, but when they are 60, 70, they are sick, they have this health problem and that health problem. Will they be able to enjoy their wealth? 

When people are old, if they are healthy, they don't need much money to live, some food, some clothes, that's it. 

That's why I pay so much attention to healthy diet and healthy mentality. 

A peaceful mind will help us stay healthy. 

People's diseases are related to their anxiety, worries, and stress from life. 

That's why I don't let small stuff bother me anymore, I don't spend time thinking too much about past anymore, I don't spend time worrying about my future anymore. There is nothing I can do. 

I focus on my present life, I make sure I am happy today, healthy today, job OK today, husband happy today. Everyday!

Go for a coffee, go for a tea, go for a walk, go window shopping, cook some delicious food, buy some flowers, and a lot of sex.............enjoy life........ 

Don't complain, don't feel sorry for myself, don't argue with my husband, don't argue with people at work, stay away from trouble..........avoid negative thinking...........

Of course, we make sure that we have stable income to provide our easy life..................

Feels good that everyday is peaceful and happy, happy husband, happy me!!!


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I'm 36 and husband is 37. The first post I ever wrote here was self indulgent in direction of my age. I was thinking in my head that if I did want out I better cut my losses quick so that I can still have a chance with someone else. This is ridiculous really considering each time I look around it's obvious the grass is not greener but maybe in late to early 40's it's natural to take stock of your life and recognize that age is finally showing?


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## changehappens (Sep 14, 2010)

I'm 54; W is 53. There have been fractures since just after our first was born 22 years ago. I vowed to myself that I was not going to give up on the relationship no matter what and have been committed through it all - good and bad. That's changing for me now though (see other posts if interested). 

For me, 40 was no problem. I've always been active and fit; my physical age has always been many years less than my real age because of my focus on being healthy. But the stress in my relationship over the past 6 yrs has caused my physical age to catch up some on my real age and made turning 50 a real bear of a milestone to get through. One thing that has really become apparent to me at 50 is that most of the years of true physical ability and health are behind me now. Looking forward to 60 and then 70 has put the scare into me, expecially when I realize that 70 is not that far away, relatively speaking.

Looking back from where I am now, the period of time from 30 to 50 has just flown past and even though I can say that I've done a lot in those years, I can also say I wish I had done more.

The saying that you only go around once is one that becomes more significant the older you get. I've always liked to think that I've 
"Danced like no one is watching, loved like I'll never be hurt, and sung like no one was listening, but haven't actaully lived like it's heaven on earth." Maybe it's not too late to start now.


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Tak,
> 
> Have you ever heard of Richard Schwartz?


Not intending to hijack a thread, but if you are referring to the producer, only basically familiar. I happen to be friends with a best-selling author (went to college together) who tries to get me to publish constantly. Unfortunately, when the story is better than the prose, I have to settle on a lot of practice until I'm happy with it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I'm 57, wife is 56 (guess I'm the oldster of this group).

I think when the madness of raising a family subsides and the kids are out on their own, you have more time to look at your marriage. You may have already looked at it and decided that "for the sake of the kids" there was nothing you would/could do about those little fractures.

At this point in life, you need to decide how to pivot. One direction allows you to reconnect with your spouse. The other knits those little fractures into one large hole through which a marriage falls.

Sometimes the latter is inevitable, despite how hard you work on it because, in reality, you should have been working on those fractures a long time ago. Just read all the other posts here... infidelity, sex problems, addictions, etc... Lace two or more of those together and you ask yourself "How could any marriage survive?"

Get at them when they are manageable.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

There is a 7 year age difference between my husband and I. I just turned 40 the first of this month. We have been having difficulties for a long time, but turning 40 really has caused me to do a lot of thinking about how and if we can fix things. I know that 40 is not THAT old, but we have been having problems for so long, and I just feel like I need to be really sure before I invest a lot more years in this relationship that it is worth it. I don't want to end up old and alone.

Other than my marriage, things in my life are great. I have a really stressful job, but I love it and would not want to work anywhere else. I have 4 kids, and they are all really good kids. I enjoy spending every minute that I can with them. So it is not my discontent with my life in general that is causing problems, because my life other than my marriage is fantastic!! I just feel like maybe I am not sharing it with the right person.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Have actually had this conversation with a very good friend of mine, and I agree that virtually EVERYONE takes stock of their lives when you hit 40's. And if you're not careful, your marriage can become a very easy scapegoat.
Like Athol points out, this is also why I beat the drum of fixing your marriage is almost always going to be a far better long term solution, than the blissfully enthusiastic and uninformed belief that you will get out there and find something better. I believe that for both sexes. You will find something different for sure - but I don't believe that you will find better.

I'm a hell of a lot less tolerant than I was ten to 15 years ago. Although I also believe that I am far better partner than I was over a decade ago. My stock has gone up, not down.

The shine has worn off the penny of my ex's relationship. She now knows that she will be 'settling', but will likely do so because she does not wish to be alone raising two young kids. She always asks me how old are the women I'm seeing. The two working relationships I've had have been with women 10 years my junior - not by design.

It has been said before, but of the older women I corresponded with or dated, they were simply not as upbeat, vibrant, or flexible when it came to plans as the younger women I've dealt with. Could be a variety of reasons.


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