# Giving Up



## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

Hello, 
This is the first time I've ever turned to a forum for advice but I'm honestly at my breaking point. I'm hoping someone can shed some light on what I'm going through. As I type this I can honestly say I can't stand the man I married. I love him but I don't like him. He's become someone I don't know. Hateful. Mean. Miserable. Pretends nothing is wrong. Doesn't pay attention to anything that is said to him. Questions EVERYTHING I do or say. Here's an example:
"Why didn't Zakk finish his homework?" (him)
" I forgot about it when we got to the game."(me)
" Why did he take his book bag?"(him)
" Because I was going to help him with his homework at the park but forgot all about it." (me)
" You went to a park?"(him)
" Park, baseball field... whatever you want to call it."(me)
" So he didn't get his homework done?" (him)
" No, I said I forgot." (me)
" Well you should have remembered he had homework." (him)
" Yes, because I should have a memory like an elephant." (me)
then I walk away. He doesn't understand why I'm upset. Asks me what's wrong. By this point I'm frustrated beyond belief so to avoid a fight I tell him nothing. He goes to take a shower, I go to bed. This morning he asked me if I was tired. He was upset because I went to bed.
My girls are both on a softball league. They play in different age groups so sometimes he has to take one to a game while I go to the other and sometimes he stays home if there's just one that has a game that day. I take all the kids with me because it used to be my way of giving him some time to get things done he wants to do. Now it's because I don't trust them alone together. 
This is constantly the way conversations go with us. He expects my kids to have their bedrooms clean at all times, when they do get them clean he goes in and nit picks at things they forgot or didn't put away in the right place. The kids spend a lot of time in their room because he constantly questions the things they do. They come home from school and want an after school snack because they eat lunch at like 10:30 - 11:00 in the am. He asks me why they are eating. If they have a folded sandwich they had their dinner. They aren't allowed to ask for anything. If they have a drink and a little while later they ask for another, he'll say "didn't you just have a drink?" On weekends they get up and have breakfast. Usually between 8 and 10 in the morning. By around 1 or 2 in the after noon they ask if they can have lunch, he'll ask " didn't you guys just have breakfast?" He tells me I need to manage my time better if I don't get something done and have to finish it when he gets home. He says I let the kids get away with things when he's not home like eating in the living room, or letting my son on the furniture. He never actually says things up front, he does it in the form of a question so when I tell him how all this makes me feel he says he's just asking a question. Some how his questions always seem to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Am I overreacting to this? Am I crazy? This is EVERYDAY. He's constantly fighting with the kids. He asks me questions about things he knows I have no answer to. Like when the softball coach made a change in the girls schedule. He asks me " Why would he cancel a game then have a make up game the day before?" I wouldn't know the answer to this and the way he asks me it sounds like he's upset with me and expect me to know. 
He gets upset with me if I don't text him. Ok I understand he has some trust issues, so I do my best to text him and let him know what my day is like. A few days ago I had gotten busy and didn't text him more than once or twice. He asked me if my phone was broke, I said no, I had gotten busy with our baby. He said " You couldn't take a few minutes to text me?" I just turned and walked away. So the next day I cleared my cell phone of all messages. I sent him 11 messages that day. I was kind of excited that I had taken the time to please him and felt he should have been happy too. So when he got home from work that day I said how was that? I sent you 11 text messages. He said " Yeah but your text messages aren't the same. You don't say the same things to me anymore." I was hurt. Was I wrong to feel this way? 
I'm worried that I'm doing something that's provoking this in him and I don't know how to fix it. I try talking to him and he says things like " Oh here we go again, what did I do wrong now?" or " Why are you upset now?'' His solution is to brush it off or ignore it. He says I go on and on about something, well how can I not when it never gets resolved? I am so depressed and frustrated. I feel like a complete failure as a parent because he's always complaining about the kids, I'm a failure as a wife because he claims I don't take care of his needs. I'm a failure as a person because he believes I lie about everything. I think that's the part that hurts the most. I understand what he's been through and I've made adjustments in my life to help get us past his issues. The one thing I've always been is honest. I was lied to my entire life. I know how bad lies can ruin a person and any trust you have in people. I would rather take the fall for being honest then live a life with lies. I just don't understand. I'm at that giving up point.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what exactly do you "love" about him? He seems abusive to you and your kids. What more do you need to know?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

The man sounds like a total jerk. Reminds me of my dad in a lot of ways, so I can guarantee that your kids are miserable because of him. Do yourself and especially YOUR KIDS a favor, and find a way to leave this a$$hole. Why stay married to someone you dont even like?? Your kids dont even like him.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

I appreciate the points of view. Yes it would be very easy to walk away. But things didn't always used to be like this. I come from a very abusive back ground and I know what's going on can be considered abusive. The thing is he knows what he's doing. He knows how bad it bothers me and yet it continues. He says he's tired of seeing me so miserable but refuses to help me fix things. We have a 1 year old daughter together and no I don't want her growing up like this. I understand I should leave. But I know this isn't the man I married. I don't know if it's because of the fight he had with his daughter a year ago that's brought this ugliness out or what happened. 
Yes, I could very easily walk out the door, but I also made a commitment.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what do you want us to tell you? He knows what he's doing is bad, but continues to do it. You know what he's doing is harmful to you and your children, yet you continue to put up with it. I don't think you'll get much advice to hang in there, hoping things will change. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stone1971 said:


> I appreciate the points of view. Yes it would be very easy to walk away. But things didn't always used to be like this. I come from a very abusive back ground and I know what's going on can be considered abusive. The thing is he knows what he's doing. He knows how bad it bothers me and yet it continues. He says he's tired of seeing me so miserable but refuses to help me fix things. We have a 1 year old daughter together and no I don't want her growing up like this. I understand I should leave. Bu*t I know this isn't the man I married. I don't know if it's because of the fight he had with his daughter a year ago that's brought this ugliness out or what happened. *
> Yes, I could very easily walk out the door, but I also made a commitment.


It DOESNT MATTER WHY. You KNOW whats going on, and you KNOW its bad for your children. You NEED to get out, because he is not going to change, and you very well know it.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Stone1971-

Your last statement rings all too well with me. I was married for almost 15 years to a man who was very subtle in his manipulation and abuse. If your decision is to stay because you've made a commitment, you need to establish some personal boundaries on how he treats you and the kids. They need to be concise and you need to have follow through on consequences if he chooses to not honor them (which, unfortunately, seems the most likely response).

Otherwise, you need to separate yourself from him....completely. I didn't count how many times in your original post that you accepted or alluded to taking the blame for his feelings and behavior. You are not responsible for him...only for you and your actions. Take heed....my recommendation is to separate yourself from him NOW.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stone1971 said:


> Hello,
> This is the first time I've ever turned to a forum for advice but I'm honestly at my breaking point. I'm hoping someone can shed some light on what I'm going through. As I type this I can honestly say I can't stand the man I married. I love him but I don't like him. He's become someone I don't know. Hateful. Mean. Miserable. Pretends nothing is wrong. Doesn't pay attention to anything that is said to him. Questions EVERYTHING I do or say. Here's an example:
> "Why didn't Zakk finish his homework?" (him)
> " I forgot about it when we got to the game."(me)
> ...


I didn't really read past this, but from this alone I can and WILL tell you that I'm not exactly sure why you are upset.

He is basically saying "homework is priority and should be done prior to fun or anything else".

And in this case, I will strongly agree with him. 

You walking away is not the way to deal with it either.....

You are in the wrong on this one.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think this will be pretty easy to fix, OP. 

Let's start with that dialogue. How about, instead of that elephant comment, you had said, "You're right, honey. I should have. I'm sorry about that. Do you have any ideas for helping me remember, ? I know I forget things a lot, and I would like to improve on that." That kind of humility would disarm him. And there would have been no reason to leave the room.

Leaving the room probably felt dismissive and disrespectful to him. He was not harming you or threatening you in any way. I honestly think he really was just showing caring, in his own way. You want him to want the kids to do well, right? That is how he shows it.

Try not to see your feelings or his as "right" or "wrong." They are just your feelings. Try to work with them.

Are you familiar with active listening? Repeat back, or paraphrase back, to your partner what he says. "Honey, you're worried my son hasn't done his homework? You want him to do well, and you feel like we need to stay on top of his homework?" I think that would make him feel understood, and respected.

Men want to feel respected. It can transform them.

Show some overt appreciation for him, OP. Just go up to him and offer him sincere thanks for something, or even several things. Give him a hug and a smile, and then carry on with whatever you were doing. Try to get into a habit of this.

Let us know how it goes, okay?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I decided to read the rest of your post....here is my thoughts



Stone1971 said:


> Asks me what's wrong. By this point I'm frustrated beyond belief so to avoid a fight I tell him nothing. He goes to take a shower, I go to bed. This morning he asked me if I was tired. He was upset because I went to bed.


He should be upset cause you decided to completely shut down and not communicate.

Wouldn't you be upset?



Stone1971 said:


> My girls are both on a softball league. They play in different age groups so sometimes he has to take one to a game while I go to the other and sometimes he stays home if there's just one that has a game that day. I take all the kids with me because it used to be my way of giving him some time to get things done he wants to do. Now it's because I don't trust them alone together.
> This is constantly the way conversations go with us. He expects my kids to have their bedrooms clean at all times, when they do get them clean he goes in and nit picks at things they forgot or didn't put away in the right place. The kids spend a lot of time in their room because he constantly questions the things they do.


I don't see anything wrong with expecting your children to keep the rooms clean. If he expects perfection, bring him down to planet earth.



Stone1971 said:


> They come home from school and want an after school snack because they eat lunch at like 10:30 - 11:00 in the am. He asks me why they are eating. If they have a folded sandwich they had their dinner. They aren't allowed to ask for anything. If they have a drink and a little while later they ask for another, he'll say "didn't you just have a drink?" On weekends they get up and have breakfast. Usually between 8 and 10 in the morning. By around 1 or 2 in the after noon they ask if they can have lunch, he'll ask " didn't you guys just have breakfast?" He tells me I need to manage my time better if I don't get something done and have to finish it when he gets home. He says I let the kids get away with things when he's not home like eating in the living room, or letting my son on the furniture. He never actually says things up front, he does it in the form of a question so when I tell him how all this makes me feel he says he's just asking a question. Some how his questions always seem to make me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Am I overreacting to this? Am I crazy? This is EVERYDAY.


His concerns seem valid. No, kids shouldn't be eating in the living room or climbing furniture. I wouldn't like that either.

We also value family time at the table as well.....

Your post seems like a WHOLE bunch of nagging to be honest with you.

I think you are overreacting.......as for crazy, well, we all have a little bit of that in us so, that's normal. 




Stone1971 said:


> He's constantly fighting with the kids. He asks me questions about things he knows I have no answer to. Like when the softball coach made a change in the girls schedule. He asks me " Why would he cancel a game then have a make up game the day before?" I wouldn't know the answer to this and the way he asks me it sounds like he's upset with me and expect me to know.
> He gets upset with me if I don't text him. Ok I understand he has some trust issues, so I do my best to text him and let him know what my day is like. A few days ago I had gotten busy and didn't text him more than once or twice. He asked me if my phone was broke, I said no, I had gotten busy with our baby. He said " You couldn't take a few minutes to text me?" I just turned and walked away.


How do you think this makes him feel. He is telling you that he would like to hear from you during the day and you give him some lame excuse. Sure you are busy with kids, but you really can't take 2-3 min to text him?



Stone1971 said:


> So the next day I cleared my cell phone of all messages. I sent him 11 messages that day. I was kind of excited that I had taken the time to please him and felt he should have been happy too. So when he got home from work that day I said how was that? I sent you 11 text messages. He said " Yeah but your text messages aren't the same. You don't say the same things to me anymore." I was hurt. Was I wrong to feel this way?


You went from one extreme (no texts) to the other extreme (overwhelming him with texts).

What do you expect?



Stone1971 said:


> I'm worried that I'm doing something that's provoking this in him and I don't know how to fix it. I try talking to him and he says things like " Oh here we go again, what did I do wrong now?" or " Why are you upset now?'' His solution is to brush it off or ignore it.


That's no different than your solution, isn't it?



Stone1971 said:


> He says I go on and on about something, well how can I not when it never gets resolved? I am so depressed and frustrated. I feel like a complete failure as a parent because he's always complaining about the kids, I'm a failure as a wife because he claims I don't take care of his needs. I'm a failure as a person because he believes I lie about everything. I think that's the part that hurts the most. I understand what he's been through and I've made adjustments in my life to help get us past his issues. The one thing I've always been is honest. I was lied to my entire life. I know how bad lies can ruin a person and any trust you have in people. I would rather take the fall for being honest then live a life with lies. I just don't understand. I'm at that giving up point.


You sound overwhelmed a bit.....this is clearly due to mental stress that kids can cause.

First, I would like to tell you that you have VERY small issues. Trust me on this, we are talking about tiny little issues here.........NOTHING compared to some of the threads we see here (by all means read some of them to make yourself feel good).

You are simply at the bottom of the rollercoaster right now. Life is a rollercoaster full of ups and downs. Don't worry, it will pass.

Meanwhile, what you can do to improve your marriage is....
a) when your husband comes to you, be calm, smile and optimistic/positive. Hear him out, tell him how you feel (nicely) and engage in adult/mature conversation. Any sign of anger or aggravation from you or him = come back and talk when things calm down. You might need to establish fighting or argument rules (for both of you). DO NOT ignore him or walk away from him, that's disrespectful and tells him you simply don't care about ANYTHING he says and are not even willing to hear him out.

b) stop worrying about/nit picking at him for little BS. seriously. Your issues are not even 1st world problems worthy. 

c) hear him out when it comes to kids/family priorities and especially discipline. Clearly he feels like kids priorities are wrong and his household is not being respected. It's your responsibility as a parent to keep order if you are stay at home parent. Discipline is EXTREMELY important. Lack of discipline alone will cause you so much stress with children you will simply blow up in your husband's face for no reason whatsoever.

It sounds to me like you are a stay at home mother. Does your husband help you out/assist you? 

Remember, you have the world's hardest and easiest job. Hardest when done right, easiest if not done right. 

I applaud you for raising these little rascals, keep at it, keep your head up and remember, you are a wife first before you are a mother. Put your husband on top of the priority list and watch it pay off.

Work on communication with him and establish fighting rules for both of you.

If nothing improves, I would highly recommend counseling for both of you.

Keep your head up and remember it's just a dip/bottom of the rollercoaster.

Do something nice/special for your husband/give him more attention.....maybe dress up in something sexy and watch him become a better man.

Life is what you make it. If you want to nit pick at things (just like your husband at times) it will be AS BAD or AS GREAT as YOU make it.

Good luck


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Stone1971 said:


> The thing is *he knows what he's doing.* He knows how bad it bothers me and yet it continues.


And this is precisely why you should end this marriage/abuse unless he is willing to go for some SERIOUS, long-term individual counseling. NOT marriage counseling, this is not a "couples" problem.

The fact that he knows he is hurting you and yet continues to do so is a deal-breaker.

Personally, if he won't go to counseling, I say it's time to pack up, move along.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

jld said:


> I think this will be pretty easy to fix, OP.
> 
> Let's start with that dialogue. How about, instead of that elephant comment, you had said, "You're right, honey. I should have. I'm sorry about that. Do you have any ideas for helping me remember, ? I know I forget things a lot, and I would like to improve on that." That kind of humility would disarm him. And there would have been no reason to leave the room.
> 
> ...


This is all brilliant advice!!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> And this is precisely why you should end this marriage/abuse unless he is willing to go for some SERIOUS, long-term individual counseling. NOT marriage counseling, this is not a "couples" problem.
> 
> The fact that he knows he is hurting you and yet continues to do so is a deal-breaker.
> 
> Personally, if he won't go to counseling, I say it's time to pack up, move along.


I'm sorry but your post really takes things to the extreme a bit.

They are nowhere NEAR end of marriage here, I'm sorry.

I can see her husband having bad communication skills, but ABUSE? really? I don't see ANY of that in her post.

Heck if anything I feel quite the opposite, it seems like OP has more issues than her husband.....but that's just me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think they both sound normal and just need a little skill in communication.

Really, small problems, easily fixed.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> *First, I would like to tell you that you have VERY small issues. *Trust me on this, we are talking about tiny little issues here.........NOTHING compared to some of the threads we see here (by all means read some of them to make yourself feel good).
> 
> You are simply at the bottom of the rollercoaster right now. Life is a rollercoaster full of ups and downs. Don't worry, it will pass.
> 
> ...


Really? What she is describing here is NOT small issues, not being nit picky on her part at all, and suggesting that she slvt it up to try and make it better seems pretty damn sexist and belitting. Those of us who have BEEN this wife know this story.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

DoF said:


> I'm sorry but your post really takes things to the extreme a bit.
> 
> They are nowhere NEAR end of marriage here, I'm sorry.


DoF, we will have to respectfully disagree. I was married for 20 years to someone just like OP's husband; I can tell you that the relentless nit-picking, criticism, haranguing questioning, anal obsessiveness, etc. are absolutely soul-killing. OP states that even her kids don't want to be around this guy.

*I did not advocate throwing in the towel* UNLESS he is unwilling to go to counseling and learn to stop being a passive aggressive control freak. This is not a matter of "tweaking" a few communication skills to patch things up. This, IMHO, is about husband's deep-rooted passive aggressiveness.

When you live with someone that is constantly nagging you, judging you, and you feel that you never measure up to their standards, that is not a healthy marriage. Your nerves are shot, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and that's not living. Husband needs counseling. Like yesterday.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I first read the original post with an "abusive" lens. It wasn't difficult to allow all of the examples to support this bent to the situation.

Thank you DoF and jld for seeing this from a different perspective.

It sounds like there is disrespectful communication from all parties involved. It is so much easier to point fingers at the other persons offense because it is you that feels offended.

But, OP, only YOU can change you. I think jld and DoF did a good job at reflecting the disrespectful way you have interacted in your examples and what you can do to change that dynamic. 

It almost seems as if you identify with being a martyr/victim. Instead you need to respectfully interact with your husband and if he is disrespectful to you, then boundaries need to be established for how you would like him to treat you.

I apologize for my "skewed" feedback in my earlier response. I don't think it's time to throw the baby out with the bathwater.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't think your view is skewed, cons. It is actually interesting, at least to me, to hear your and other people's take on this. I never would have guessed anyone would see the behavior as abusive. 

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. We can learn so much from one another here.


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## HomeFrontDadAndMore (Sep 12, 2013)

cons said:


> I first read the original post with an "abusive" lens. It wasn't difficult to allow all of the examples to support this bent to the situation.
> 
> Thank you DoF and jld for seeing this from a different perspective.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
On top of it all - you're managing a little one and what a stressor that can be. Certainly, it sounds like your H must improve and he is obviously resentful for something (rightly or wrongly). It also sounds like he's pretty removed from the daily strife that is with kids.

My two cents: I'd say, breath - rise above the petty bickering with him (but don't walk away on him) and see if you two can: get some personal time together, have him handle the kids for a couple days to see how he does...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Really? *What she is describing here is NOT small issues,* not being nit picky on her part at all, and suggesting that she slvt it up to try and make it better seems pretty damn sexist and belitting. Those of us who have BEEN this wife know this story.


Couldn't agree more. For those of us who have lived on the receiving end of this kind of PA bullsh*t, it is very demeaning to be told that she just needs to be nicer, dress up, and tolerate his constant criticism. By doing that, she is condoning his bad behavior.

What needs to happen is HE needs to be told by a professional that his behavior is way out of the bounds of normal, that loving spouses don't intentionally try to hurt their spouse (and kids) through constant criticism. This is NOT just a "dip" on the roller coaster of life... More like an oncoming freight train. I know because I got hit by that train.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Really? What she is describing here is NOT small issues, not being nit picky on her part at all, and suggesting that she slvt it up to try and make it better seems pretty damn sexist and belitting. Those of us who have BEEN this wife know this story.


if you think this is a big issue then what do you call cheating, physical abuse or addiction etc?

Sorry, but these are small issue related to communications which can be addressed by both parties if both are willing.

I don't see any "ABUSE" or need for divorce, not at all. This is completely workable situation and a small obstacle in EVERY marriage.

I've been there and heck, in some cases AM there now


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Couldn't agree more. For those of us who have lived on the receiving end of this kind of PA bullsh*t, it is very demeaning to be told that she just needs to be nicer, dress up, and tolerate his constant criticism. By doing that, she is condoning his bad behavior.
> 
> What needs to happen is HE needs to be told by a professional that his behavior is way out of the bounds of normal, that loving spouses don't intentionally try to hurt their spouse (and kids) through constant criticism. This is NOT just a "dip" on the roller coaster of life... More like an oncoming freight train. I know because I got hit by that train.


First thing is first. Identify if what he is communicating is true and valid. 

If it is and one doesn't like THE WAY they are communicating, address communication FIRST.

Then move on to issue at hand.

His concerns are valid to me. If the kids come home and start playing around.....good luck ever trying to get them to focus on homework again.

Same for other examples. I think he is right on Furniture and not eating in the living room as well.

I think OP just gets defensive and has the "I don't want to hear" it syndrome. 

I see her nitpicking MORE than her husband with valid concerns (although one can say he is nitpicking too).


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

HomeFrontDadAndMore said:


> :iagree:
> On top of it all - you're managing a little one and what a stressor that can be. Certainly, it sounds like your H must improve and he is obviously resentful for something (rightly or wrongly). It also sounds like he's pretty removed from the daily strife that is with kids.
> 
> My two cents: I'd say, breath - rise above the petty bickering with him (but don't walk away on him) and see if you two can: get some personal time together, have him handle the kids for a couple days to see how he does...


I agree and have a feeling of him being removed/not helping out enough at home etc as well. I just didn't want to assume that as OP haven't brought it up.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP has stated that husband thinks "she lies to him about everything." :wtf: OP has also stated she is not now and has never been a liar. How is a little work on communication skills going to resolve this? Doesn't anyone else see this as a HUGE issue?

He has deep-rooted passive/aggressive insecurity. I can spot it a mile off after having lived through it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> if you think this is a big issue then what do you call *cheating, physical abuse or addiction* etc?
> 
> Sorry, but these are small issue related to communications which can be addressed by both parties if both are willing.
> 
> ...


Just because those things I bolded are not happening, does NOT make this situation less than. Did you miss the part about him being insecure and freaking out because she didnt text the amount of times that he needed her to? HUGE control issues. She said outiright that he doesnt trust her. 

I grew up with this man. Then I MARRIED this man. What she is going through should not be minimized the way that it has been by several posters here. 

This part is very telling about what she is dealing with:

"*The kids spend a lot of time in their room because he constantly questions the things they do.* They come home from school and want an after school snack because they eat lunch at like 10:30 - 11:00 in the am. He asks me why they are eating. If they have a folded sandwich they had their dinner. They aren't allowed to ask for anything. If they have a drink and a little while later they ask for another, he'll say "didn't you just have a drink?" On weekends they get up and have breakfast. Usually between 8 and 10 in the morning. By around 1 or 2 in the after noon they ask if they can have lunch, he'll ask " didn't you guys just have breakfast?"

The kids avoid him because they are afraid of setting him off and having to deal with him. What kind of dad sets limits on being able to eat and drink? Why would you not want your kids to eat?? I can understand if there is an issue with their weight or something, but not in a normal day to day situation. I went through this same kind of stuff growing up, its HORRIBLE. No child should hide in their room to avoid a parent. 

I am sure he will never go to counseling with her no matter how much she begs, because he thinks nothing is wrong with him, but that she has a problem and she needs to fix herself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> OP has stated that husband thinks "she lies to him about everything." :wtf: OP has also stated she is not now and has never been a liar.


I ignored these because they are both EXTREMES. I doubt he thinks she lies about EVERYTHING.

I also doubt that she has NEVER lied.

Sorry



happy as a clam said:


> How is a little work on communication skills going to resolve this? Doesn't anyone else see this as a HUGE issue?
> 
> He has deep-rooted passive/aggressive insecurity. I can spot it a mile off after having lived through it.


And OP doesn't? She is full of defensiveness and removes her self from communication all together.

I still see OP's husbands concerns/examples as valid. Do you agree or not?

HOW he communicates it/comes across is probably an issue. 

HOW OP takes it, is CERTAINLY an issue.

These are circling around poor communications from both sides.

HUGE issue? Not at all.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> The kids avoid him because they are afraid of setting him off and having to deal with him. What kind of dad sets limits on being able to eat and drink? Why would you not want your kids to eat??


Agree. Also, what's the point of the living room furniture if no one is allowed on it? If there are different "rules" for that room, just teach the kids the rules. But don't ban them from the room like animals.

Honestly, I thought the days where our mothers had plastic-covered furniture in the off-limits living rooms went away in the 60s and 70s. The husband is a control-freak.

OP, you are not crazy to feel this way from his crazy-making behavior. I am sorry that some posters here are minimizing your husband's very real problems.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just because those things I bolded are not happening, does NOT make this situation less than. Did you miss the part about him being insecure and freaking out because she didnt text the amount of times that he needed her to? HUGE control issues. She said outiright that he doesnt trust her.


Freaking out? She said he gets upset when he doesn't hear from him and has his insecurities.

Are you saying you are 100% secure in your relationship?

We ALL have insecurities and yes, we all like to hear back from our loved ones when we reach out to them during the day.

Freaking out = exaggeration, sorry.



3Xnocharm said:


> I grew up with this man. Then I MARRIED this man. What she is going through should not be minimized the way that it has been by several posters here.
> 
> This part is very telling about what she is dealing with:
> 
> "*The kids spend a lot of time in their room because he constantly questions the things they do.* They come home from school and want an after school snack because they eat lunch at like 10:30 - 11:00 in the am. He asks me why they are eating. If they have a folded sandwich they had their dinner. They aren't allowed to ask for anything. If they have a drink and a little while later they ask for another, he'll say "didn't you just have a drink?" On weekends they get up and have breakfast. Usually between 8 and 10 in the morning. By around 1 or 2 in the after noon they ask if they can have lunch, he'll ask " didn't you guys just have breakfast?"


Little bit of hunger will go a long way, they will survive.....whatever, no big deal. And if OP has an issue with it, she needs to talk about it with him (again, communication)



3Xnocharm said:


> I grew up with this man. Then The kids avoid him because they are afraid of setting him off and having to deal with him.


Afraid is a strong word. Can it be that they simply don't want to deal with him cause they know they won't get their way with him?

But they will with their mother?

hmmmmmmmm



3Xnocharm said:


> What kind of dad sets limits on being able to eat and drink? Why would you not want your kids to eat?? I can understand if there is an issue with their weight or something, but not in a normal day to day situation. I went through this same kind of stuff growing up, its HORRIBLE. No child should hide in their room to avoid a parent.


Again, extreme.......and complete negativity (you lack optimism).

Setting limits on food/drinks is important and teaches kids discipline and moderation.

In our house it's not a free for all either. If kids want something they have to ask. If we didn't establish these rules our kitchen would be empty on daily basis and no one would eat dinner......

Again, no big deal and if OP has an issue >communicate



3Xnocharm said:


> I am sure he will never go to counseling with her no matter how much she begs, because he thinks nothing is wrong with him, but that she has a problem and she needs to fix herself.


Lack of optimism about this situation and 0 positivity on his end tells me that you have been really hurt in your past. I'm sorry about that, but please don't apply that to EVERY situation that comes up.

You cannot say OP's husband is 100% wrong on this. I see more red flags with OP than I see with Husband.

But clearly they BOTH need to work on this and I'm not saying he is innocent either.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Agree. Also, what's the point of the living room furniture if no one is allowed on it? If there are different "rules" for that room, just teach the kids the rules. But don't ban them from the room like animals.
> 
> Honestly, I thought the days where our mothers had plastic-covered furniture in the off-limits living rooms went away in the 60s and 70s. The husband is a control-freak.
> 
> OP, you are not crazy to feel this way from his crazy-making behavior. I am sorry that some posters here are minimizing your husband's very real problems.


It's called "teaching your children" to respect their parents property. Furniture is not cheap and we all already know that kids will pretty much destroy anything you let them destroy.

His furniture concern is valid.....same for eating in living room (especially if they have nice couches or carpets).

NOTHING to do with "control freak" and everything to do with "respect" and listening to your husband's concerns.......

No one is minimizing OP's Husband problems.....no one said he is innocent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So what are you going to do?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

DoF said:


> Freaking out? She said he gets upset when he doesn't hear from him and has his insecurities.
> 
> Are you saying you are 100% secure in your relationship?
> 
> ...


I get the feeling that you and OP's husband are probably a lot alike... you sure are defending him hard. I guess you didnt grow up with this kind of thing going on?


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

The original post made me cringe and tear up I grew up with a stepfather exactly like this. 
I spent most of my time in my room trying to disappear into books. 


This is no way for anyone to live and these guys rarely get better. It's fine if a single woman wants to take this on and deal with it.It's pure selfishness to make a kid grow up around this crap.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I get the feeling that you and OP's husband are probably a lot alike... you sure are defending him hard. I guess you didnt grow up with this kind of thing going on?


We know VERY little about OP'S husband. 

And you probably know even less about me.

YET, here you are assuming things about both of us.

I'm not defending him hard, I simply said that his points are valid.....

I grew up with lack of food thanks to my government, and when there was food, whatever it was, I had to sit there and eat it.......or be hungry. I survived and am doing just fine. 

I'm sure PLENTY of folks from the greatest generation that went through great depression can relate to what I'm saying.......

Bottom line is, OP and her husband need to communicate and BE ON THE SAME PAGE. When it comes to food........household expectations.....how to communicate.....etc

All of these are common and normal issues that EVERY relationship goes through.

Let's not over exaggerate and take things to the extreme here. 

This is not even marriage counseling territory yet....


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> The original post made me cringe and tear up I grew up with a stepfather exactly like this.
> I spent most of my time in my room trying to disappear into books.
> 
> 
> This is no way for anyone to live and these guys rarely get better. It's fine if a single woman wants to take this on and deal with it.It's pure selfishness to make a kid grow up around this crap.


Agreed, Scarlet. The OP triggered me as well.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> I didn't really read past this, but from this alone I can and WILL tell you that I'm not exactly sure why you are upset.
> 
> He is basically saying "homework is priority and should be done prior to fun or anything else".
> 
> ...


Yes, I understand homework is a priority. This had been the first time homework hadn't been done before anything else. We had to be a the field by 5, my kids get home from school at 4, it takes 20 min to get from home to the field. My husband chose not to go with us that day so he could get things done around the house. I had everything ready by the time the kids got home from school, including a quick dinner. Both my girls had homework which they needed help with on top of my son's homework. Usually my girls don't need help completing their homework, but my son has an exercise he must complete everyday for his spelling words. He's done this everyday since the beginning of school. My problem was, if my husband is going to question my ability to remember homework, why couldn't he offer to help one of the kids? Yes, he had every right to expect homework to be done, that's a rule that rarely changes, but if he's going to be upset that I forgot shouldn't he have stepped up and offered to help me out? And what point was there to ask a question about a park? It was like he was deliberately trying to upset me. He knows damn well I didn't go to a park and there's no park anywhere near the ball field.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I'm going to assume he considers your children your responsibility and feels he shouldn't be dealing with homework. That attitude may never change so you will likely always be the one staying on top of all things related to your children. In other words -- expect no help and be prepared.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Stone1971 said:


> Yes, I understand homework is a priority. This had been the first time homework hadn't been done before anything else. We had to be a the field by 5, my kids get home from school at 4, it takes 20 min to get from home to the field. My husband chose not to go with us that day so he could get things done around the house. I had everything ready by the time the kids got home from school, including a quick dinner. Both my girls had homework which they needed help with on top of my son's homework. Usually my girls don't need help completing their homework, but my son has an exercise he must complete everyday for his spelling words. He's done this everyday since the beginning of school. My problem was, if my husband is going to question my ability to remember homework, why couldn't he offer to help one of the kids? Yes, he had every right to expect homework to be done, that's a rule that rarely changes, but if he's going to be upset that I forgot shouldn't he have stepped up and offered to help me out? And what point was there to ask a question about a park? It was like he was deliberately trying to upset me. He knows damn well I didn't go to a park and there's no park anywhere near the ball field.


Could you just say these things to your husband, in a non-threatening way? "Honey, could you please help me?" And then be specific on what you need? Would that work?


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

Wow. I really do appreciate everyone's opinions. And yes, the way I handled some of the issues wasn't the correct way, but feeling as overwhelmed and frustrated as I do, I was doing my best to prevent another argument. That said, let me explain a bit more. 
I understand my husband has some trust issues. I've known my husband for years. We were introduced 22 years ago when I was involved with a man he was good friend's with. I also went to grade school with his ex wife. She was a mean nasty little girl who bullied everyone. I can remember she spent a lot of time during recess standing against the wall next to a teacher because she had done something to another student. Apparently time hadn't changed her much. They got married in 93. He had a daughter from a previous relationship who he spent a lot of time with. From what my mother in law said, his ex wife changed as soon as they got back from their honeymoon. She started sending his daughter's things home and cleaning out her bedroom. My mother in law over heard his exwife tell his daughter, she didn't have room in her heart to love a child. Over time she had managed to eliminate the relationship between my husband and his daughter by forbidding his daughter to be around. When she found out she was pregnant with their own child she told his mother she didn't want to have a child, then told him his mother wasn't happy about being a grandma. Rumors went around that she had even tried to "get rid" of their baby. Again this is second hand so I can't say these are exactly things that happened. Over the course of their marriage she was constantly getting caught in questionable situations. Once he caught her in a hot tub with a bunch of men. I guess she controlled everything they did. They ate meals at a certain time, she planned every thing they did to the minute. How and why he stayed in the marriage for so long I cannot say but I do know that she had been texting a guy who's wife found out. The wife sent a letter with the text messages between them to my husband and asked my husband to keep his "*****" wife on a leash. I've heard a lot of stories over the last couple of years but honestly none of it really matters now. 
It had been two years after he threw his ex wife out that we had started dating. If what I was told really happened, it does explain a lot of his behavior. It explains the trust issues with the texting. Explains the need to constantly have everything "just right." And I knew this going into the relationship. I understood it was going to be difficult and I didn't expect his "hurts" to go away. So no I DON'T LIE TO HIM. As hard as that may be to believe, I don't. It's part of that understanding what he's been through and wanting to him to feel secure. And up until a year and a half ago it had been working. Even if I had gotten busy he didn't get upset if I didn't text him as much. 
We had a talk this past weekend. I asked him what he thought we could do to make our relationship better. I asked him what he wanted us to do. It seems our problems stem mostly from the kids. I understand it's a lot to take on and I don't expect it to be easy. They don't listen, they don't think ahead, they don't have any respect, but they weren't always like that either. I feel they have pushed each other to this point. When they make an effort and do what he expects he finds another reason to complain. My daughter said to me, why bother cleaning our room, he just finds a reason to say it's still a mess. It's like they have given up trying because he's never happy with what they do. And when I talk to my husband about this, ask him to be a little reasonable his comment to me is, " I'll stay out of it, let them do whatever they want." It's like it goes from one extreme to the next. They either do what he expects them to do or he ignores them. I don't think I'm asking for a heaven and earth kind of change, just alter the way he handles things a little and things might improve. When you expect the worst, you get the worst. 
I've seen many of you mention abuse. And yes in the eyes of many what's going on could be defined as abuse. But in this day and age, giving your child a stern lecture would be considered abusive by some. I don't feel what my husband is asking is abusive. I understand children need discipline and structure and most parents now a days are more worried about being friends with their kids, rather than being parents. I'm not the kind of parent who goes behind her husband's back to please my children either. They tried that play one against the other and it doesn't work. How can I expect them to follow rules if I bend them. What I'm having issues with is understanding how we try and try to do what he expects but he always seems to find a way to destroy it. Sometimes I feel like he has it out for us, that he's so used to being miserable that he doesn't know how to relax and be happy. 
Last weekend his oldest daughter and her boyfriend came over. Her boyfriend needed help changing something on his truck. It took them quite a bit longer than they had expected. I didn't have a problem with this and enjoyed spending time with his daughter. As step families go, his daughters and I get along pretty well. I told my husband I was heading in the house to get a bath. I was freezing and wanted to get warmed up. I told him not to hurry, if they ran into more issues it was fine, I just wanted to get warm. I was in the tub for 45 min. During that time they have finished up. He came in as I was finishing up. He said " Your just getting out of the tub?" I said " Yes, I was freezing so I soaked for a few minutes." He said " You were in there for 2 hours." I said " No, 45 min. I glanced at the clock when I came in because you guys said it was going to take you a half an hour to finish the other side instead of 2 hours like the first side did." (His daughter and I had been joking about the other side being a breeze because they had so much trouble with the first side that they knew what to expect with the other side.) He said " No you came in hours ago." I said " No I came in, got in the tub and soaked, just like I said." He shrugged and said " yeah ok, whatever." I was a little confused, He knew what time I came in. He knew it didn't take them 2 hours to fix the second side of the truck, so where the hell did this come from? What was the point in that? I thought maybe he hadn't noticed the time and just lost track. But he's totally convinced I was in there for 2 hours. 
Maybe I'm here to get different perspectives on what's going on. Suggestions on how I could handle things a little different.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

I could very well be over reacting to things I may not be used to. He doesn't deprive them of food it just seems like it's a huge bother to him. Everything seems like it's a huge inconvenience to him. If he has to take time out of the things he wants to do I get comments like " I could be home mowing." He hates to mow.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

Yes, I could ask him if he was around. He comes home from work and spends 45min to 2 hours in the bathroom. We have a kindle fire that he takes in the bathroom with him. I give him this time to do what he's got to do, maybe take a little quiet time before the onslaught with homework and ball games. Everyone needs a little unwind time. I can get the kids homework done and dinner made in the time he's in the bathroom. But he'll come out and say he wasn't in there that long. Honestly I don't care how long he's in the bathroom. It's the bathroom for crying out loud. But when I go in and I'm in there for more than a few minutes I get blamed for being in there for hours. I know he's not surfing porn or chatting with other people because he doesn't know how to do things like that on the kindle and I can always look up the history if I thought that was the problem. I already thought of that too.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

DoF said:


> I ignored these because they are both EXTREMES. I doubt he thinks she lies about EVERYTHING.
> 
> I also doubt that she has NEVER lied.
> 
> ...


OP here, Yes he truly believes everything I say to him is a lie. I have not nor will I ever lie to him no matter how bad the out come may be. I was raised to be honest no matter how bad it might seem, lying about something is always worse. Yes my husband's concerns can be considered valid, and yes how he handles things is definitely an issue. How am I suppose to take it? Me walking away may had been an act of defensiveness but at least I was aware that the unnecessary comment about a park was an act to provoke me and walked away instead of fighting over something stupid. I listen to him. I look him in the eye when were talking. I don't walk away from him everytime we talk but when I know he's trying to provoke me there's no point after that since neither one of us is hearing what the other is saying. He walks away from me all the time. He'll rant and rave about something as he's walking down the hall to our bedroom shut the door and rant and rave some more. Or he mutters stuff under his breath he knows I can't hear, so don't talk to me about being disrespectful when he's talking to me and I walk away. I at least respect him enough to let him talk to me, not at me like he does to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He does sound insecure. You are a good person, and could heal that insecurity. I am sure you have already made a dent in it. Your being honest is a great start. The active listening is another big part.

Just continuing to ask him how things could go better, while gently explaining your view, is very good.

You are doing well, even if sometimes it does not seem like it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

jld said:


> *He does sound insecure. You are a good person, and could heal that insecurity. * I am sure you have already made a dent in it. Your being honest is a great start. The active listening is another big part.
> 
> Just continuing to ask him how things could go better, while gently explaining your view, is very good.
> 
> You are doing well, even if sometimes it does not seem like it.


She cannot possibly "heal" his insecurity. He alone is the only one who can resolve his issues. She sounds like she does things in a way that does not add to this, but this is all on him!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> She cannot possibly "heal" his insecurity. He alone is the only one who can resolve his issues. She sounds like she does things in a way that does not add to this, but this is all on him!


Yeah, that was probably an overstatement. I do think she has contributed greatly towards his feeling more secure than he did with his first wife, though.

And I do think our spouses have a tremendous influence on us, and we on them.


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## Stone1971 (May 29, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> She cannot possibly "heal" his insecurity. He alone is the only one who can resolve his issues. She sounds like she does things in a way that does not add to this, but this is all on him!


You are correct that I cannot possibly "heal" his insecurities, but not so correct that he must resolve them on his own. Everyone that enters into a relationship brings some kind of insecurities of some level with them. Whether it be from their up bringing or a former relationship they still have them. While no one can "heal" another person, one can contribute to that healing process. I look at things from his point of view and wonder how I'd like it if it were done to me. What I do to keep from adding to his insecurities is not out of the ordinary. I don't feel like he's keeping me under his thumb or keeping tabs on me. It's common courtesy and he does the same for me. 
I knew my post kind of sounded one sided. I probably should have started with the reason's I love him and probably indicated that I was looking for reason's for why things changed between us and how we can get back on track. We both hate living like this. I also understand that when your working on a relationship sometimes you can get into a rut when it comes to how you handle things. I'm reacting to him the same way I always do and nothing it getting resolved. I was kind of curious if maybe I changed the way I was handling things if he'd be more willing to accept the changes he has to make. If he sees me making changes maybe he will see it's not so bad and follow suit. I just hate that he seems so unwilling to work with me but says he wants to work through things. Was I asking too much? Am I expecting too much? My last words to him during our conversation the other night were: Am I really asking too much of you? It's so easy to continue the same things and get the same results, is it really that hard to make a few changes and see how it goes? Aren't we really doing exactly what we promised each other we wouldn't do? Make the same mistakes we've made before.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stone1971 said:


> You are correct that I cannot possibly "heal" his insecurities, but not so correct that he must resolve them on his own. Everyone that enters into a relationship brings some kind of insecurities of some level with them. Whether it be from their up bringing or a former relationship they still have them. While no one can "heal" another person, one can contribute to that healing process. I look at things from his point of view and wonder how I'd like it if it were done to me. What I do to keep from adding to his insecurities is not out of the ordinary. I don't feel like he's keeping me under his thumb or keeping tabs on me. It's common courtesy and he does the same for me.
> *I knew my post kind of sounded one sided. I probably should have started with the reason's I love him* and probably indicated that I was looking for reason's for why things changed between us and how we can get back on track.
> 
> 
> ...


Sometimes people really do not care to make the effort where it is needed. Sad, but true. I think for one thing, it means that they are admitting that they have some fault in the way things are going, and dont like to have to examine their behavior. I went through this with two different husbands, no matter how I approached that we needed to work on things, it was met with indifference, or blame shifting, that there was something wrong with me, that everything was MY fault. I see a lot of the same dynamics in what you have posted about your relationship that I had in one or both of mine. You cannot do it by yourself. Sometimes the only way to get the truth out of them about WHY things have turned the way they have and get them to put in any effort is to let them know that you are done, and that either things change and you both work on the marriage/go to MC or you are ending it. Many only respond to that brick wall coming down on their heads.


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## ricky15100 (Oct 23, 2013)

Some of the posters are minimising what's going on here, he is using subtle tactics to control you, and when you question him he has a perfect defence I.e " I was only asking a question", when you do decide to communicate his response is "what are you upset with now"

This is is the kind of behaviour that slowly grinds you down, and you actually end up thinking you're the crazy one. I'll bet he minimises his behaviour and rewrites history, I.e " I didn't say that" most of the time its not what these people say its the way they say it, it has very attacking but subtle undertones, and when you're subject to this everyday you slowly start to doubt your own reality and start believing the reality that these people present you with. Google gas lighting

The people who are telling you that these are minor issues have never experienced this, I have and after 3 years of this 24 hours a day 365 days a year I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ricky15100 said:


> Some of the posters are minimising what's going on here, he is using subtle tactics to control you, and when you question him he has a perfect defence I.e " I was only asking a question", when you do decide to communicate his response is "what are you upset with now"
> 
> This is is the kind of behaviour that slowly grinds you down, and you actually end up thinking you're the crazy one. I'll bet he minimises his behaviour and rewrites history, I.e " I didn't say that" most of the time its not what these people say its the way they say it, it has very attacking but subtle undertones, and when you're subject to this everyday you slowly start to doubt your own reality and start believing the reality that these people present you with. Google gas lighting
> 
> The people who are telling you that these are minor issues have never experienced this, I have and after 3 years of this 24 hours a day 365 days a year I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.


:iagree:

It sucks the very life right out of you. I can remember realizing that I was just a shell of myself any more, I was no longer in there. I can remember feeling like I was constantly cowering in my own home all the time. (marriage #2) Marriage #1, I was a non-entity. I pretty much did not exist in his world, I was irrelevant. My daughter thanks me today for divorcing her dad because all these years, she hasnt had to be with him all the time the way she would be if we were still married. This is why I am am saying that you NEED to listen to and consider your children.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> DoF, we will have to respectfully disagree. I was married for 20 years to someone just like OP's husband; I can tell you that the relentless nit-picking, criticism, haranguing questioning, anal obsessiveness, etc. are absolutely soul-killing. OP states that even her kids don't want to be around this guy.
> 
> *I did not advocate throwing in the towel* UNLESS he is unwilling to go to counseling and learn to stop being a passive aggressive control freak. This is not a matter of "tweaking" a few communication skills to patch things up. This, IMHO, is about husband's deep-rooted passive aggressiveness.
> 
> When you live with someone that is constantly nagging you, judging you, and you feel that you never measure up to their standards, that is not a healthy marriage. Your nerves are shot, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and that's not living. Husband needs counseling. Like yesterday.


You got all of this from a few posts of information the OP provided here? Holy crap! 

You are projecting when you say you were married to someone just like the OP's husband for 20 years. Fact is you have absolutely no idea what this person is like and it triggered something. 

I hope the OP and her husband can find a common place where they are both happy together. It sounds like both need to figure out the communication and respect side of this marriage.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stone1971 said:


> I could very well be over reacting to things I may not be used to. He doesn't deprive them of food it just seems like it's a huge bother to him. Everything seems like it's a huge inconvenience to him. If he has to take time out of the things he wants to do I get comments like " I could be home mowing." He hates to mow.


So what does he do with you and kids/family. Let me rephrase that.

How does he show you and the kids love with actions?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Paradise said:


> You got all of this from a few posts of information the OP provided here? Holy crap!


Sorry Paradise, but I will respectfully disagree with your blanket judgment of my interpretation.

Did you read THIS post by ricky15100?



> Some of the posters are minimising what's going on here, he is using subtle tactics to control you, and when you question him he has a perfect defence I.e " I was only asking a question", when you do decide to communicate his response is "what are you upset with now"
> 
> This is is the kind of behaviour that slowly grinds you down, and you actually end up thinking you're the crazy one. I'll bet he minimises his behaviour and rewrites history, I.e " I didn't say that" most of the time its not what these people say its the way they say it, it has very attacking but subtle undertones, and when you're subject to this everyday you slowly start to doubt your own reality and start believing the reality that these people present you with. Google gas lighting
> 
> The people who are telling you that these are minor issues have never experienced this, I have and after 3 years of this 24 hours a day 365 days a year I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown.


Unless you've actually lived it, you can't possibly know how subtly manipulative this kind of behavior is. Ricky nailed it dead on. I stand by my advice.


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