# My money is hers; Her money is hers, and I do all the house chores!



## Cloudyday

We dated/live together for 4 years, and married for 11 months now. Before we got married, my wife was going to school so since I was already working and thought she's the one for me, I paid for all the expenses for both of us (including her personal expenses too). The only thing that I didn’t pay for was tuition, which was paid by her parents. We are 9 years apart, I am 38, she's 29. We get by every month and was happy but financially, we don't have much savings left every month (about $200 left). I always thought this is a temporary situation and after she’s done with school and have a job, she will be willing to help out. I am still willing to pay for all living expenses, but I was hoping she can help out by either contribute financially, do some house chores, or mix of both.

Issue 1 (Money): She started working 3 months ago, and pay is really great. I make mid 80s, and she's making at least that. One day when I ask her: do you think it's time that we combine our finance and plan for a better future? Her answer is "NO". Then I ask her, if not combined all together, how much or % are you willing to contribute for our family? Her answer is "NONE". Her reasoning was that her Dad (has his own company and doing pretty well) always provide everything for her family and her Mom never have to worry about money. I tried to explain to her that I don't have the same financial status as her Dad, she doesn't understand and refuse to compromise. After some arguments, I even ask her are you happy to live in this small apartment for the rest of our life because I can't afford a house by myself? Her answer is “yes” as long as it doesn't involve her money at any point, in any way. Honestly, I still want a house, and I told her the benefit of buying vs renting, she doesn't care.

Issue 2 (Kids): Before we got married, we talked about kids. Back then she said sure but let's wait 5 years, she wants to work and enjoy life first. I said okay. Now, she doesn't want kid anymore. Her reasoning is that raising a kid is very expensive, and you don't know if your kid will turn out to be a good/bad person until later, so she feels insecure. 

Issue 3 (House chores): She has really poor personal hygiene and organization skills and refuses to do any house chores. She doesn't cook, wash dishes/clothes, take out garbage, put things back to where it belongs, and won't put garbage in the garbage bag. Another behavior is after she ate a bowl of yogurt on the sofa, she can leave the bowl there for couple days until mole starts to grow, and during all this time, she won't bother to put the bowl in the sink. If you ask her to it, she gets upset and tell me to stop nagging. Her reasoning is that her mom always clean after her and does all the house work. I told her so many times that I am NOT her Mom, and she doesn't care. Ended up I clean everything, clean after her, because I can't stand the messy/dirtiness but she can. Another behavior that upset me is after I cleaned/organized everything, it's a mess again within a week. I told her I can get very tired and stressed from work, and when I come home, I still have to do house chores, so please at least, try to keep it clean for me longer. She said she tried. I don't see any improvement.

Currently: we have been separated for 6 weeks. She went back to live with her parents. I have talked to her Dad face to face, and also with both of her parents at the same time. Her parents are very upset with me saying that I break their hearts when they saw their daughter came home one day crying. They think her daughter is at no fault whatsoever, and if I want to be with her, I need to do whatever it takes to make their daughter happy.

I told my wife yesterday on the phone that I want this marriage to work out, but I cannot always be the one that provides everything. She must be willing to contribute to our family whether it's doing some house chores or willing to put in some savings aside for emergency/vacation, etc. The amount is not important, what's important is that she has the heart and willingness to do something for us. She said she needs to think about it. 

My question: if she comes back and says, she's just not going to share a dime, and she can try to do some house work but no guaranteed...should I just end the marriage without keep on hoping she will change someday? 

Thank you for your feedback, and sorry if it's too long.

P.S. Just want to add, she's not a gold digger. In fact, she's pretty stingy when it comes to spending money. She always shop on sale and clearance items. She uses coupon, wait for special sales, compare ads, etc.


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## that_girl

Put your money into another account. Is that rude? I dont' think so. She's not respecting it.

And stop doing the housework.


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## Lon

Yep, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, sounds like she wants you to take over the role of her daddy. Nothing wrong with you taking charge of things, but sounds like she just wants to be your prize, and not do any of the things needed for a relationship. Also, her parents will always take her side, so don't go to them with your problems. Honestly, why do you even want to stay married to her? She seems like the kind of person that is fun to be around, but not the kind that is near responsible to be married for the rest of your life with. Whatever happens though, stop paying her way, don't give her your money (she doesn't need it) don't let her not contribute her share of the bills and if she refuses and you can't afford your home or lifestyle, downsize (ignore any complaint she makes about this right after telling her you have no choice because you can;t live a double income lifestyle with only one income).


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## justonelife

Marriage is a partnership. Both partners need to contribute roughly equal to the marriage, otherwise it's not going to work. She seems very spoiled and immature. 

Usually the two big "contributions" into the marriage are financial and household chores/raising kids. If she is not willing to do either, then what exactly do you have? A slob that takes all of your money. Why would you want to stay married to that? It sounds like she wants a parent more than a husband. You can do much better than this.


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## joe kidd

Easy. If she won't help then get your own acct. If she asks for money use her exact words.....no. Say it with me, no. You need to learn how to say no.


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## gbrad

Did you guys talk about any of these things before you got married? My wife and I combined our finanaces while we were still engaged and leading up to marriage. I pay all of the bills in our house, but there is one account that it all goes into and comes out of. I would not do it any other way.


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## Cloudyday

gbrad said:


> Did you guys talk about any of these things before you got married? My wife and I combined our finanaces while we were still engaged and leading up to marriage. I pay all of the bills in our house, but there is one account that it all goes into and comes out of. I would not do it any other way.


Thanks for your feedback. We did talk about money before we get married. In fact, I am catholic and she's doesn't have any religion. My mom insist to have us attend the marriage preparation course from my church hosted by two elderly who are vonlunteers. It was an 8 week course, each session we discuss varies topics (finance, kids, etc.) We attended every session and when she was fine with it. When we discussed about finance, she said if she ever have income, she will consider split our financial expenses. However, later during an argument after we are married, she said she was just "saying that" in order to pass the course....(in a way, to make my mom happy)


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## Cloudyday

justonelife said:


> Marriage is a partnership. Both partners need to contribute roughly equal to the marriage, otherwise it's not going to work. She seems very spoiled and immature.
> 
> Usually the two big "contributions" into the marriage are financial and household chores/raising kids. If she is not willing to do either, then what exactly do you have? A slob that takes all of your money. Why would you want to stay married to that? It sounds like she wants a parent more than a husband. You can do much better than this.


justonelife, thanks for your feedback. It's over now. She came over tonight with a big smile on her face. I thought everything was fine. We cuddled, kissed, watched some tv together hand in hand. Then she said let's go out for dinner. Everything was fine during dinner, she keeps on bring up old memories, we talked, laughed, she even paid for the meal! We got home, and then she insisted to make love, and we did that, everything seems fine. Afterwards, she said let's break up (divorce). She said she just want to end things with good memories....honestly I feel like SH*T right now!!!! She borrowed my car for a week, saying that she will buy a new car during labor day sale, and then she will return my car, and come back to move all her belongings. I don't know what to say...I tried to ask her to stay but she refuses, and said she had a great time with me, she said she really appreciated that I took good care of her but it's time for her to move on.....I just feel really depressed right now...


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## Cloudyday

Lon said:


> Yep, marriage is supposed to be a partnership, sounds like she wants you to take over the role of her daddy. Nothing wrong with you taking charge of things, but sounds like she just wants to be your prize, and not do any of the things needed for a relationship. Also, her parents will always take her side, so don't go to them with your problems. Honestly, why do you even want to stay married to her? She seems like the kind of person that is fun to be around, but not the kind that is near responsible to be married for the rest of your life with. Whatever happens though, stop paying her way, don't give her your money (she doesn't need it) don't let her not contribute her share of the bills and if she refuses and you can't afford your home or lifestyle, downsize (ignore any complaint she makes about this right after telling her you have no choice because you can;t live a double income lifestyle with only one income).


Hi Lon, thanks for your feedback. I totally agree with your points. It's just too late, she broke up with me tonight. You can see my reply to justonelife below on what happened.....


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## YellowRoses

You have an overly entitled princess on your hands

I suggest you hand her back to mum and dad - childhood is the only state where doing nothing and paying for nothing can be excused and she's a 29 year old child.

Others may disagree but 29 is very 'old' to still be a spoilt brat and it doesn't bode well for change.

EDIT : sorry, cross posted, I see things have moved on for you. I'm sorry


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## Cloudyday

YellowRoses said:


> You have an overly entitled princess on your hands
> 
> I suggest you hand her back to mum and dad - childhood is the only state where doing nothing and paying for nothing can be excused and she's a 29 year old child.
> 
> Others may disagree but 29 is very 'old' to still be a spoilt brat and it doesn't bode well for change.
> 
> EDIT : sorry, cross posted, I see things have moved on for you. I'm sorry



Hi YellowRoses, thanks for your comment. I understand she is a bit spoiled, her family is decent, and she is the youngest in the family. I just didn't see this (divorce) coming from her. During the 4 years of dating, she didn't make any income, so I never knew she would act this way when she does. If she was working before we were married, I am sure I would reconsider everything....now it's too late...it's over. Still, I am really angry at her right now because I don't understand how can a person take marriage lightly. Honestly I don't know if she ever struggled to come up with this decision....I remember when we said "I Do" we were supposed to work things out whether its good/bad situation, but she just left like that...sorry I am venting...I am just really depressed right now...still thanks.


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## warlock07

Cloudyday said:


> justonelife, thanks for your feedback. It's over now. She came over tonight with a big smile on her face. I thought everything was fine. We cuddled, kissed, watched some tv together hand in hand. Then she said let's go out for dinner. Everything was fine during dinner, she keeps on bring up old memories, we talked, laughed, she even paid for the meal! We got home, and then she insisted to make love, and we did that, everything seems fine. Afterwards, she said let's break up (divorce). She said she just want to end things with good memories....honestly I feel like SH*T right now!!!! She borrowed my car for a week, saying that she will buy a new car during labor day sale, and then she will return my car, and come back to move all her belongings. I don't know what to say...I tried to ask her to stay but she refuses, and said she had a great time with me, she said she really appreciated that I took good care of her but it's time for her to move on.....I just feel really depressed right now...


You got used and burnt. Good riddance. You will see nothing but pain and frustration in your future if you stay with woman. Her enabling parents caused this situation. She "might" grow up in a few years after she comes out of her enabling parents protection but by then it will be too late and you will have moved on. You put up with a lot more sh!t anyone would usually have. Good luck


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## donders

It never would have worked out in the long run.


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## MSC71

sounds like a spoiled brat who had her parents do everything for her and never had any responsibility.


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## Lon

sorry cloudy, not much you can do when one spouse doesn't want the marriage. Let her go. Be strong about it, don't grovel or beg at all, send her on her way to her own struggles, you obviously can take of your own business since you've been pulling the weight anyway, your life will be better off.

In 3-12 months when she comes grovelling back, make her earn her way into your heart if you think you'd still want her - just cause she will be no longer married doesn't excuse her from any kind of moral decency, if she goes and slvts it up you don't have to take her back down the road OTOH, give it some time after, I'm sure you will have lots of time to reflect, maybe she will end up using her time to reflect as well and maybe you both will come back even post-divorce - just use this time to learn about yourself, what you like/want and don't compromise who you are for anyone.

Good luck, divorce is one of the most painful things for a good man, try to remember its not a reflection of who you are, it is more a reflection of who she is and I would put money on her not being able to find the long-term happiness she thinks she can find without you "holding her back" or whatever reason it is she so desperately needs to get out of your relationship.


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## warlock07

It will take her 2-3 relationships to see how good she had it with OP. Or she won't. OP will see how good it can be with other women and will move on by then.


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## Dreald

Hey brother,

I feel for you as your situation is very much like mine (I registered today just to give you my sympathies). Like you, I did all the housework, financial, trip planning, grocery shopping, cooking, majority of the cleaning, etc. I was unemployed at the time but had significant savings from my investments (she had less than $20k and a pension). We were married for 14 months.

I wound up selling my house in order for us to "move forward". I did all the work which took months. She came over 4 times and helped out about 12 hours total -- and even then we fought over what I'd needed for her to do (vacuum, clean windows, etc) vs. what she would do (organize the kitchen, et). Then when I did sell it (house was in my name), she demanded that we take it down to the bank immediately to deposit into OUR checking account.

Very OCD about cleaning. Couldn't clean a bathroom properly because it wasn't the way SHE did it. Surprised her by deep cleaning the entire house (sweep, mop floors, vacuum carpet/sofas, dust, laundry, etc) but neglected to see a 'slight' ring around the master bathroom toilet. While she was appreciative at first, I was called to the toilet and reprimanded for not cleaning everything completely. For 20 minutes I was scolded. I also started to assume more and more of her few responsibilities and she was upset when I pushed back.

Bought her a 2.21ct center ring with about 3.2ct total diamonds. She wanted an upgrade of the center ring to a 3ct or better at our 5 year anniversary. Told her I wasn't going to upgrade a beautiful and expensive ring as it's a SYMBOL of our marriage not a status symbol! Demanded 1 ct earrings for the 1 year anniversary. Wanted a $300k + house but had nothing to contribute towards it. Wanted to take over my Lexus when we had children (it was an SUV).

Final straw was when we got into an argument and she started yelling, pushing and shoving -- daring and wanting me to hit her so that others could see what I'm doing to her on the 'outside that I'm doing to her on the inside'. Came at me again, threw the water I had in my cup on her and she then called the cops saying I assaulted her and that she was in fear of her life because I have guns in the house (licensed CCW holder for 7 years and have never ONCE threatened her with a gun). Cops came out, took my side, her side and determined that she was overreacting. Went to my brothers house to stay the night. 

Next day I went to the bank, took out all my premarital assets that she insisted I give her full access to but left $5k in our joint checking account to pay bills. She wiped that out that day and refuses to pay me half even though it all came from my accounts. Then had the nerve to demand that I pay her but wouldn't say how much. Refuses to pay 1/2 the credit card bill nor 1/2 the taxes. All in all I spent about $60k in 14 months on her. And yet that still was not enough and I wasn't 'pulling my share financially'.

There's more -- a lot more. But you can see where I'm headed with this. Like you, I didn't date her long enough to see the warning signs (there were 2 there, but I chose to discount them). We all make mistakes -- but the most important decision you can make is how you'll better yourself when the next one comes around that IS the right woman for you and appreciates you for who you are and all that you do.

P.S. The longest relationship she had was 18 months and that was long-distance. All the rest were 1 year or less (which she lied when I first asked her that question when we were dating).


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## MGD

It may be late to respond to this.

You reminded me my story. I got married when I was 43 and she was 29. In my 2 years of marriage, I realized that "I did not even have clear criterion even at this age to select my life partner".it looks that you do not have either. 

You did not mention her qualities that bonds you with her. You need to clearly justify why you need here for life. You might be overly focusing on her minor attractions.

Do not waste your time . If you do not see qualities this time , much more worse things will surface out later.

Good luck.


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## ThreeStrikes

Zombie thread.


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