# husband sexting ex for 15 years



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

mother of 2 including nb. just found out husband has been emailing ex fiancee sporadically for 15 years. she was his first love, he proposed but she said no, dumped him and broke his heart. even though they broke up he has consistently been checking up on her to see if she is ok (his words). in the emails that I found (in his secret email he has only for her) they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. 90% of the emails are about sex. they exchanged naked photos as well. he maintains that she means nothing to him, that she is only an escape from reality. is this cheating even though it never got physical ?( in one email she wanted to go for drinks but husband refused bc he said he cant resist her and would end up having sex with her). the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Yes, it’s cheating. If they have ever had access to each other, they have had sex.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm sorry you are here OP.
This man is a horrible, dishonorable piece of garbage.
This ABSOLUTELY IS CHEATING!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> mother of 2 including nb. just found out husband has been emailing ex fiancee sporadically for 15 years. she was his first love, he proposed but she said no, dumped him and broke his heart. even though they broke up he has consistently been checking up on her to see if she is ok (his words). in the emails that I found (in his secret email he has only for her) they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. 90% of the emails are about sex. they exchanged naked photos as well. he maintains that she means nothing to him, that she is only an escape from reality. is this cheating even though it never got physical ?( in one email she wanted to go for drinks but husband refused bc he said he cant resist her and would end up having sex with her). the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


Yes. It is an Emotional Affair.

She broke his heart and yet he still follows her around and makes an utter donkey out of himself?

I do not normally go for Biblical quotes on TAM but there is a Biblical quote that is most apposite for your bounder and cad of a husband:-

_Proverbs 26:11 Authorized (King James) Version:-_

*As a dog returneth to his vomit,
so a fool returneth to his folly.*

Ask him why he is disrespecting you and his own children?


----------



## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

Yes, of course he's cheating. If he wasn't he would not have had to create a secret email account. I am sorry you have been betrayed. You must have him end contact for life with his ex. Make him draft an email and send it. No closure. Just this: 

"My relationship with you has deeply hurt my wife, and for that I am terribly sorry. For that reason I am ending contact with you forever. Please do not contact me either. Sincerely Bob the cheater."


----------



## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


what does this sentence even mean? If it looks like a duck, and acts like a duck, it's a duck. YES, this is cheating. Yes it is an emotional affair.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yes an emotional affair. He is still emotionally attached to her. Also some form of sexual betrayal there even if they haven't physically been together during your marriage.

Completely over the line.

Your kids and the nb make this a complicated situation. However, the best response is the strong one, which is to start divorce proceedings. You can halt or retract the proceedings at any time. Starting the process hits him with a cement truck of truth, that he has destroyed the marriage and the family. Now he has to earn his way back. And, you always have the option into the indefinite future to complete the divorce.

By taking a rock hard stand, he must work hard to recover his marriage. If you tell him you want to try to fix the marriage, and you'll forgive him, and you want to go to marriage therapy, he only has to do the minimum necessary, D- level work, to keep you from actually leaving. Human nature is to skate by with as little work as possible. And this situation requires difficult work if he is going to really address his character flaws. By starting the D process, he must do A+ work to get you to stop the process. He is much more likely to work hard if you light a big fire under him.

Treat this is a full blown infidelity.


----------



## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

"....they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. ''

you better believe what he wrote right there. please don't tell me you really consider to continue with this jerk.


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

This is the story of many men and women, that never got over the one that got away, sadly they settle for the next available person they think will do. Your husband, deep down knows that he never really, truly, loved you like he loved his ex fiancee. Sorry to put it this way, but normally, this is the true.

And YES, he's been emotionally cheating on you throughout your marriage, base on what you posted.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

its funny. he never mentioned his ex fiancee to me. ever. the one he lost his virginity to. the one who broke
his heart. he burned all her photos, and forbid all his friends to ever mention her name. he even moved away
bc he didnt want to live in the same city as her.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's cheating. What are you doing about it?


----------



## Volunteer86 (Aug 2, 2017)

Yeah I wouldn't play the second fiddle...Is something going to change? Don't let him take advantage of you...


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I tried to think of myself writing this post. If my husband did any of these thibgs with an ex I would be very enraged and he would have to deal with the consequences of betraying my trust.

You need to treat this an infidelity and approach this situation as such. Your husband needs to know the seriousness of his actions. All the best.


----------



## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> _Proverbs 26:11 Authorized (King James) Version:-_
> 
> *As a dog returneth to his vomit,
> so a fool returneth to his folly.*


Dang...That one stung me!


----------



## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> mother of 2 including nb. just found out husband has been emailing ex fiancee sporadically for 15 years. she was his first love, he proposed but she said no, dumped him and broke his heart. even though they broke up he has consistently been checking up on her to see if she is ok (his words). in the emails that I found (in his secret email he has only for her) they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. 90% of the emails are about sex. they exchanged naked photos as well. he maintains that she means nothing to him, that she is only an escape from reality. is this cheating even though it never got physical ?( in one email she wanted to go for drinks but husband refused bc he said he cant resist her and would end up having sex with her). the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


I guess I'd drill into his comment about she being "an escape from reality." I'd have to ask why he wants to escape from his wife and kids? If he wants that escape I'd give it to him...permanently.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

You sure there is only and email address just for her. Check more closely see what services like snapchat or whatsapp and other stuff are showing up there. I am willing to bet there are snapchat and other videos shared between them. Plus you don't know what emails he has deleted along the way. I am willing to bet there are accounts registered to that email address. 

Sweetie you need to start preparing for the worst and go digging for information really really fast.


----------



## MidnightBlue (Nov 20, 2017)

Yes, it’s cheating. The fact that he thinks of her during sex with you is telling and it makes me sick to my stomach. You are nothing more than a placeholder for the one he wants. Don’t make him end his relationship with her; end your relationship with him. It is nothing but a farce. He’ll never end it with her, anyway; he’ll just become sneakier about it.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

why would he marry me and have children with me if he didnt love me? im hoping she is just an infatuation.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

People marry for many reasons that have nothing to do with being in love. Only he knows the true story and he's unlikely to share it with you.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

do you guys think he still loves her?


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> why would he marry me and have children with me if he didnt love me? im hoping she is just an infatuation.


It’s difficult to speculate. It’s like asking why would a man cheat on his wife? I’m sure he’s loved or loves you to stay in a marriage with you for 15 years. When he says she’s an escape from reality I’m inclined to believe it. 

Even though she’s an infatuation, he has broken his commitment to you and needs to face consequences for doing so. An infatuation cannot justify going beyond the boundaries of marriage.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> do you guys think he still loves her?


Have you asked him this question? He might be in love with the dream that he has created from that past relationship rather than be in love wuth her as a person.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> why would he marry me and have children with me if he didnt love me? im hoping she is just an infatuation.


He might love you, but his all important passion is for her. 

Sorry.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> *he was his first love,* *he proposed but she said no*, dumped him and *broke his heart.* *he maintains that she means nothing to him,*


Doesn't quite tally up does it?

I'd probably say she means more to him than you because he still has this idealised notion that this was the first love that got away and he's had 15 years of playing with this fantasy in his head.

Your marriage for all intensive purposes has been a lie.

Have you notified the husband? *already know the reply...wait for it..*


----------



## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I guess I'd drill into his comment about she being "an escape from reality." I'd have to ask why he wants to escape from his wife and kids? If he wants that escape I'd give it to him...permanently.


Amen to that. If it give you solace to "escape from reality" of the person you're married, you've married the wrong person. On the other hand, I believe he's feeding you a load of crap trying to cover his attempt to prove he's really not a loser with the other chick. Few things are as pleasing to the male ego as a woman who ditches you and later wants you back. Trust me on this.
Put it to him simply.. that he stops his shyt here and now or his going to find out that you can play the same game with a couple of old acquaintances.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

If he has been sexting for 15 years with her, NO he does not love you.

If he continued communication with her through your marriage NO he does not love you, he just fears jumping ship and being with the OW because she rejected him in the past. 

He is also infatuated with her because SHE DID REJECT HIM. 

Men what often what they cannot have. He does not have her and never did and wants her all the same. Does he love her? Maybe, or maybe he just wants to finally possess her after her rejection. 

As to you, does all that matter? He tricked you for 15 years. 

He married you under false pretenses. He claims he thinks of another woman while having sex with you and thinks abou the other woman constantly....YOU DONT STAND A CHANCE AGAINST A 15 YEAR FANTASY. 

honey...YOU REALLY DONT. (i am not shouting, i am saying this with tenderness and love. Its just bolded to have you see this clearly. 

He does not love you ENOUGH. 
YOU DESERVE MORE.

KICK him out. this is a bridge too far in my personal opinion. I would never be able to get over it. 

If you do stay and try GET A POLYGRAPH. It's the ONLY way to be sure you know the story.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

How would you describe your own sex life with him?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

sex life is fine. he goes down on me a lot however hes been obsessing about going down on the ex. he wrote
that whenever he goes down on me he thinks about her. im sure sex is the same way. I cant wrap my head around how he can look at me and think about someone else. unless hes lying to her.... trying to turn her on perhaps?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's lying to you -- not her. 

Wake up.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

He is stroking HER ego when he says that he thinks of her during sex. But it is also LIKELY the truth. Point is he is nothing thinking about you during sex. That would be a deal breaker on sex for me... I dont know how sex could be an option.I would rather a root canal than the emotional pain of wondering who he was thinking about as he had sex... (You should not be reduced to a vessel for him to live his fantasy in his head with the other woman on) He can use a flesh light for that.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

he has always found me very attractive. and he tells me he loves me


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You obviously want to believe him -- so, I guess, continue down that road.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You believe him....
She believes him... 

Some one get this guy an OSCAR! 

Sorry for the levity. It's absolutely awful how he plays with you. You have been with him 15 years, and strike me as perhaps only about 35 years old. Thats my range so im not condescending. I just was once very much in denial once about the man i have been with 13 years. 

He may say he loves you but love is not about words, it's about action. How has his relationship with this other woman show that YOU are the one, that YOU are who he thinks of? The shear fact that he is messaging her about sex and you being just the person he acts out his fantasies with tells you in ACTIONS that his words are empty. meaningless. I would guess he really does not understand love.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

but he maintains that if he didnt love me he would go out and have sex with her anytime and that he would be with her, that he purposely
keeps her at a distance. he refused to get too close with her bc he loves me.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

thebettyshow said:


> but he maintains that if he didnt love me he would go out and have sex with her anytime and that he would be with her, that he purposely
> keeps her at a distance. he refused to get too close with her bc he loves me.


And you actually believe that? Cuz I got this bridge...

If he loved you there would be no involvement with her. Period. End of. Men who love their wives don't sext other women.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's the only one who knows the truth but if you want to believe him then go for it.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> but he maintains that if he didnt love me *he would go out and have sex with her anytime *and that he would be with her, that he purposely
> keeps her at a distance. he refused to get too close with her bc he loves me.


 She dumped him years ago, she'd likely do it again. He has managed to create a fantasy world where he has a higher 'sex value' than she does, even though that was not the case in the past. It's hard to compete with a fantasy, and if/when you kick his sorryass to the curb he'll realize it was all a load of tripe to begin with. He's gaslighting you now with this crap story about keeping her at a distance. She's likely just playing him for some ego kibbles and has no interest in anything more as long as she's getting the attention.If she stops getting the attention she may progress to a physical affair, to keep getting attention. Your hubby sounds like a turd, you can do better than that.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

doesnt it seem drastic though to end it with him? especially bc it never became physical? (and I know this bc the ex wanted to meet up frequently with my husband but he said no every time bc he "wouldnt be able to resist her"


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> doesnt it seem drastic though to end it with him? especially bc it never became physical? (and I know this bc the ex wanted to meet up frequently with my husband but he said no every time bc he "wouldnt be able to resist her"


This sounds like you’re going to give him a free pass for not having sex with her. If my husband said such a thing to me: he wouldn’t be able to resist another woman, he jerks off to her, imagines he is having sex with her when sleeping with me, I would ensure he kills off communication with the other woman and is remorseful before I consider R. Or it is divorce. 

Or the threat of divorce to kick him into gis senses. Make no mistake he has betrayed you. This is still an affair. 

Personally I haven’t experienced a cheating spouse but I couldn’t hust let it go and sweep it under the carpet.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, it doesn't. People divorce over emotional affairs all the time. But you aren't going to do that so you can either try counseling to fix your marriage or else just rug-sweep the entire thing and hope he really is done.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> but he maintains that if he didnt love me he would go out and have sex with her anytime and that he would be with her, that he purposely
> keeps her at a distance. he refused to get too close with her bc he loves me.



THATS NOT BECAUSE HE LOVES YOU, thats because he has more to lose if he leaves you. You got kids right? That is 100s of $$$ a month to sustain you and his kids. 

Trust me... He is comfortable, stable...THAT IS NOT LOVE.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Seems you are going to rug sweep because you believe it is not physical...Im still not buying that, but okay for arguments sake, then you are going to suffer YEARS of horrible painful sex with him because you will always wonder if she lurks in the shadows of his mind. 

She has been there for 15 years, she is never going away. EsPECIALLY if you let this go. 

I feel so sad for you because I have been in a similar, though not exact position. 

You are in denial and that is okay, but the sooner you wake up the sooner you can not suffer....


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

can you tell me what happened with you 3littlestars?


----------



## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> doesnt it seem drastic though to end it with him? especially bc it never became physical? (and I know this bc the ex wanted to meet up frequently with my husband but he said no every time bc he "wouldnt be able to resist her"


Honestly in all of your posts you seem like you are in serious denial. Yes he's cheating and you should either do something about it or accept it.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> can you tell me what happened with you 3littlestars?



Well first is the denial... I found my husband sexting and doing stuff with internet women... 

I was lied to for a month and basically I thought too that if it was not sex maybe i should (need) to get over it. I mistakenly thought that it would be unreasonable to leave over emotional affairs. 

Eventually I got ahold of the letters, the confession of not loving me like he should, while he told me to my face for 10 years he did love me. He lied to me while pregnant. Chose to try to have a third child while telling another woman he loved her. 

I cannot see myself as a worthy sex partner in my husbands eyes sometimes. It lives inside my head that he prefered to fantasize about women he knew on the internet. 

You have it worse. the other woman is a REAL woman in the picture. Your other woman in this situation is the one that got away. The one that broke his heart...she will ALWAYS be there because he NEVER got over her. he just moved on with you. 


I am pretty good at reading people now... Since finding out about my husbands activities i was no longer naive. 

Your husband is scared to lose what he has only now that he is caught. You all were not worth much while he had his confessional. 

This is how much you and your children matter to him and his feelings. pretty low on the totem pole. 

You need to leave him and have him suffer the loss otherwise he will never realize the error of his way. If you stay he will look at it as just a close call and pick up the affair a ways off down the road.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

I remember reading an email sent by my husband that he wants to "look into her eyes while she is sucking him off"
dont know why but that email especially hurt.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound almost offhand about this, like as long as he says he loves you and swears it isn't a PA, then you'll believe him and stay in the marriage.

You're in the process of rugsweeping this. He is what we call a cake-eater and you enable him.

I would never enable a cake-eater (never have, no matter how much it hurt to cut the cord). People are different, though.

What I would do is take seriously the wisdom 'you have to be willing to lose it to save it,' and say to him:

'WH, you don't get to be married to me and have a girlfriend, too. Fifteen years is already fifteen too many, so I'm letting you go. You say that the only thing stopping you from running to her is your marriage, so now you are free. Go to her and be happy. I have filed for divorce and hope that if I remarry it will be to someone who will love only me.'

This way you tear off the band-aid and start the healing, imo.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> I remember reading an email sent by my husband that he wants to "look into her eyes while she is sucking him off"
> dont know why but that email especially hurt.



Stop being hurt... Be ANGRY! 15 YEARS! fifteen bloody years honey! 

What you are doing will prolong the pain i promise you. You need to do something drastic for yourself. Im not saying you need to 100% divorce, but i believe he needs to think you will, and you need to think you will. Get strong in your will to survive the blow he has dealt against you time and time again. They both have! Get livid, and space to process.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

@thebettyshow, how are you doing?


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

thanks for asking. they sexted last week. he said he was done but it seems like she is an addiction. still not sure shat to do. dont want to break up the family over his stupidity


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> thanks for asking. they sexted last week. he said he was done but it seems like she is an addiction. still not sure shat to do. dont want to break up the family over his stupidity


I’m so sorry he’s not giving her up. If he doesn’t have consequences for his actions he is unlikely to stop doing what he’s doing. He needs to know that you’re not going to tolerate this. Otherwise he’s comfortable where he is. 

It’s hard to ‘break up’ the family, but it’s a choice that he has made. He has forced your hand. What he’s doing is creating a toxic environment for you and your child.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I hope that some day you realize that it sucks being Plan B.

I hope that you can learn to appreciate yourself and value yourself more.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

how can I get him to forget her? this is destroying the family


----------



## introvert (May 30, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> thanks for asking. they sexted last week. he said he was done but it seems like she is an addiction. still not sure shat to do. dont want to break up the family over his stupidity



This is easy. If you are completely fine with him imagining his ex while he's ****ing you, there's no problem, right.? He's imagining that you are her.


----------



## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> thanks for asking. they sexted last week. he said he was done but it seems like she is an addiction. still not sure shat to do. dont want to break up the family over his stupidity


Speaking of addiction, that added somewhat of a new perspective to my situation when I talked to a good friend of mine that battled alcoholism for years. He told me that he can imagine that my STBXW is like him in a way where you can have your entire family talk to you and tell you the right thing to do and how bad of a path you are taking but the person that is indulging on the addition or affair, does not see the problem with their actions, they see judgement and people that don't 'understand' them. Like these situations in marriage, same as with a drug of drink addiction, the person will not start the path to being ok and fighting the demons until they hit rock bottom and realize there's an issue with THEM that they cannot control. 

The only thing you can do in this situation is give them consequences. It's too late for me as the divorce process has started and is going to break up a family that everyone admired for the past 2 decades but it's not too late for you if you can give him the wake-up call of a lifetime and that involves seeing a lawyer, giving him consequences and separating from his ass. He's either going to wake up or he's going to continue on with destructiveness. Either way it brings the solution to a head a lot quicker and it's not going to fix itself if you just keep going around in circles.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

thebettyshow said:


> how can I get him to forget her? this is destroying the family


He has to either see her as poison or see his thoughts of her as harming himself. I doubt he can be convinced she is poison, at least not now. He is idealizing her. He would have to find out she was doing something pretty horrible to him somehow, and that doesn't seem likely. He is in an affair with her even if it has not been physical.

Which leaves the option of him seeing his thoughts of her as harming himself. As stillfightingforus wrote, he is very much like an addict and he won't respond to being told he is hurting you or the kids. He may be in denial, or he may be in the "affair fog". You'll have to dangle him over the edge of the cliff and let him get a good look at the abyss he's about to plunge into. You could state a boundary such as no further contact, plus he attends MC (and makes a real effort at it), or you will leave the marriage. It might work, but you need to be able to verify he has ceased all contact, so you'll have to get full access to all of his electronics. Either spy tech he doesn't know about, or he agrees to give you all passwords now and full access without delay the moment you ask. You'll need to see him send her a "no further contact" text message, too.

The other option is to file divorce or legal separation papers. This will cost some money, and if you go this route be sure to consult with an atty to be sure you get it right. These initial filings can set the stage for the final court orders, so you don't want to give away too much or fail to ask for the right terms.

Either way, I suggest you take advantage of a free consultation with an atty. They will give 15-30 minutes where you can get all your basic questions answered about how things usually go for someone in your situation where you live, and what the process entails. Then, I would get all the information organized as if you were going to proceed. Gather all the financial records, kids' birth certificates, passports, marriage certificate, health records, etc.

What I would do is what I wrote about setting the boundaries with him, but I would print out divorce forms from your state's website and have them filled in. I'd put them down in front of him and tell him you are serious. Don't argue, don't debate. Don't get drawn into a long conversation. Short and sweet, this is where I'm and now you have a choice to make. Either end it completely or I will leave the marriage.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

thor do you think he behaviour is cheating?


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It sure looks like an emotional affair to me.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> how can I get him to forget her? this is destroying the family


You can't control what he does. That's up to him. 

He's involved with another woman. And, yes, it's cheating.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> thor do you think he behaviour is cheating?


I am not answering for @Thor, but for myself. But, yes, I think he is cheating in a very cruel and callous way.

If your family is destroyed it will be at the hands of your husband.

You deserve better! You deserve better than he is willing or able to give you.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the way @thebettyshow I am fascinated by your name!

It sounds like it should be the name of a hit comedy TV show and always makes me smile when I see it!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

thebettyshow said:


> thor do you think he behaviour is cheating?


Yes. He is being disloyal to the marriage, and he is taking his affections and sexuality outside of the marriage.


----------



## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Of course it is cheating, and you know this because you posted in the Coping with Infidelity section. You've asked the same questions several times and get the same answers. What do you want? Do you want someone to tell you that this is no big deal and go ahead and keep enabling him to be disloyal to you? You don't need anyone to tell you that; you seem to be doing a find job of it on your own.

Doesn't make much sense to me why you make excuses for staying with this guy, but it is your life to live. If you choose to not hold accountable a man who does not value and respect you, your children or your marriage in the manner a husband should value and respect his wife, children and his marriage, then you will then reap the consequences of YOUR choice.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

I see you have not found your anger, just denial. You are asking if this is cheating? Course it is! and with how little he cares and acts like tells me he has been physical with another in your marriage as well. I really think he has PA'ed you maybe more than once. 

Honestly it is almost as if you don't think he would pick you if you took a hard stance. I think you imagine he will go back to her. And he might, but let me tell you this. They broke up once... Obviously there were problems, and the same problems remain only now there is MORE collateral damage. Even more assurance that this BS is going to blow up and end. It is bound to.

Right now I think you have such low self esteem and are completely wrapped up with his staying validating the little value you have in yourself. (I want to tell you something) You have value without him. YOU ARE ACTUALLY MORE WITHOUT HIM, why? Because he is a cheating pig with no remorse and not a damn bit of concern about the lives his actions impact. 

Staying with him is actually eroding what value you have in yourself because as time goes on you are going to attack yourself and be in a worse mental position for having done nothing but whine about his other woman. (Because that is the narration you will turn on yourself.) I don't see you as a whiner, but i'm sure your husband does. And you will start thinking that way too... 

You need to find your feet and learn how to stand up for yourself. It will do MORE in giving you some much needed strength and self esteem because, waiting and seeing, wishing and hoping will all keep you weak, dependent on his presence, opinion, and actions. And all of that is a living hell.... 

Betty... I want you to take a drive. Go to a field, a beach, or a trail. Be alone with your thoughts. Think about yourself as the woman you were before you met your husband. Reflect on a time you were strong. Find yourself. It will help you find your voice to demand respect.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Have not heard from you here in a few days. I saw that you poked around and asked the same questions again over at SI. Surprisingly they think you are a troll... I do not think you are. 

Please keep talking, if you can... You need strength, but i feel you don't trust the advice you are given here or over at SI.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Why? WHY DO YOU ASK THE SAME QUESTION OVER AND OVER. 

I cant respond on SI... BUT COME ON. you want help...but you do NOTHING to help yourself. NOTHING.... 

Im am truly so sorry for you, and pity your situation. BUT lady... nothing will ever change if you dont accept the facts. And you refuse to do that. 

Because you cannot accept reality you will be doomed to misery in your marriage. 

So sorry about your situation, but some responsibility comes to us BS to accept the current facts, and refusal to do so will lead to mental health issues.


----------



## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

In a phrase GTFO. Guys a real loser and you deserve better.


----------



## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

thebettyshow said:


> mother of 2 including nb. just found out husband has been emailing ex fiancee sporadically for 15 years. she was his first love, he proposed but she said no, dumped him and broke his heart. even though they broke up he has consistently been checking up on her to see if she is ok (his words).


OK so far: it could just be friendship.




thebettyshow said:


> in the emails that I found (in his secret email he has only for her) they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. 90% of the emails are about sex. they exchanged naked photos as well.


That goes far beyond friendship. You could try to forgive him if he wants to change.




thebettyshow said:


> he maintains that she means nothing to him, that she is only an escape from reality. is this cheating even though it never got physical ?( in one email she wanted to go for drinks but husband refused bc he said he cant resist her and would end up having sex with her). the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


He appears to be in denial. He can't change until he faces the facts. You have a few choices:

1. Inform him of your disapproval and then turn a blind eye.

2. Separate from him until he changes.

3. The final option.

I'd avoid the third option except as a last resort, but that leaves you with a choice between 1. and 2. for now.


----------



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Please take this from someone who has also been betrayed. If you don’t do something serious NOW, he will never stop. It may die down, but it will happen again. Go file for divorce. Kick him out. Do SOMETHING! You can always stop this later if he can work to fix his. You will regret not making him see how serious this is. 

I have seen this situation before. A very good friend of mine was married but would think about her ex often. She never contacted him or anything but she thought about him a lot bc of the passion their relationship had that her marriage didn’t. But- she was only remembering the good parts of that relationship. Its hard to compare a marriage with children to a relationship you had with someone when you were younger and had much less stress. I think you are competing with a fantasy. 

With that said, you are going to have a very hard time forgetting what he had said to her. It’s going to be difficult to be intimate with him again. Please do something.


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

I have stopped responding as I don’t think Betty will leave her H. Or let him face any sort of consequences 

She has a nb. I understand it’s a tough situation. I’ve been impacted by a H’s EA with an ex so I understand the pain.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@thebettyshow how are you?


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

not trying to say much more since people are clearly annoyed by my posts.


----------



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

I think people just want you to listen to them. Because many of us have been there.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Do you really want a man that thinks of another woman while having sex with you???


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

its just thoughts. he told her he would never hook up with her in real life. so I win


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> its just thoughts. he told her he would never hook up with her in real life. so I win


The point is, you shouldn't have had any competition in the first place. You should have won by default.


----------



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

Thoughts are one thing but when you admit them to someone they are another. It’s out in the open now.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> its just thoughts. he told her he would never hook up with her in real life. so I win



There is no win or lose at this point. If you win you have him....That is no prize. Honey.. YOU ARE THE PRIZE, and he has done NOTHING to win you. 

Yes, I am annoyed at you, but not because you are annoying it is THE denial. I am annoyed at denial. 

I read over at SI, and here and you have asked the same question a number of times, worded very similarly, (is this cheating?) 

Are you hurt? Does this eat away at you? Is he acting in regards to your best interest? 

If the answer is NO, then you got problems regardless of labels. 

I personally REALLY want to help you. But you must also help yourself and I for one do NOT see you doing that.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I recommend counseling -- separately and together -- since you want to stay.


----------



## Walloped (Feb 14, 2018)

Just wanted to say I’m sorry you’re going through this.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

update: found out my husband was talking to her on vday and he found out that shes married! he is livid as can be! he blocked her email and told her he is never going to contact her again! not sure why his reaction was so extreme but im so happy its over!


----------



## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your husband is so upset as he loves her. Finding out that he is not the cat's meow, clubbered his ego. It's okay for him to be having this relationship with her even though he is married, but not okay with her being married. He is acting like a jilted lover.

I am puzzled as how you are not angry with your situation. You think that their relationship is over, I don't think so. He will reach out to her again. This time, he will be more secretive and better at hiding their relationship from you. I am 60 years old and 38 years married (first time for the both of us). I would be so angry if I find out that my husband has been in an emotional relationship with a previous girlfriend for 15 years.

You deserve better than having a cheating husband.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You think it's over, but I will bet the farm that it isn't. He's upset because he was betrayed. He's jealous and hurt. You are just a fly on the wall. You think you're in it with him, but you're the audience.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

It's weird how he reacted to the news. I have never seen him so upset


----------



## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

Of course he’s upset. How did you feel when you found out your H was sexting this OW? If she was nothing to hum he wouldn’t care as much I think. You make it sound as if your H sexting his ex is just a hobby like internet gaming. If my H did this I would serve the D papers. I’m sorry but I would want to be the only one in his heart, mind and soul. You my dear friend are just sharing the space with your H, but he’s probably not thinking of you, but the person who keeps him hooked and excited. I’m so sorry but that doesn’t sound like it’s you.


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

On SI you posted that you won.... How old are you? This is the single most emotionally immature statement I have read on here or SI in a long long time. 

Honey.... No.... 

We will likely see you here or SI again, I will be happy to help and encourage you then, until you wake up find a good IC.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

hes done with her


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> hes done with her


Im glad YOU are so sure. If he isn't we are still here for YOU. we just don't want YOU in denial.

How he has treated you is despicable, He has RUINED valentines day for you. (Most people have trouble with that day but you have good reason to resent that holiday in the future). 

He is likely going to expect the work on the marriage to be coming from YOU, and thats just unreasonable. 

Don't feel unwelcome just be prepared for us to be seen as a REALITY CHECK.


----------



## adegirl2016 (Dec 14, 2016)

It doesn’t matter if he is done with her. You still have issues to address. What led him to sext her for 15 years? Why did he think that was okay? It’s unacceptable. Even if it did end you still have major issues and need to enforce consequences or you will be back here again.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

@thebettyshow ,

He may be done with this one (although I wouldn't draw a line under it quite yet, if I were you) ... but what about the next time? 

What your husband did was morally wrong. Which means that he doesn't have the right boundaries in place, and neither do you. He may not have another childhood sweetheart waiting in the wings ... but I can guarantee that he will have other opportunities. And there is nothing in what you have told us that says that he won't take those up as well. Don't make the mistake of thinking that the threat has gone and will never return.

I'm also sorry to say that you didn't win. There was nothing that changed in you or your marriage that suddenly changed the situation. You're hiding behind a "positive" outcome that came from another woman lying to your husband and him finding out about that. He may decide he can forgive the lie, once he's gotten over the shock of it, because his feelings are so strong - much like you have done for him. Then where would you be? What I can't understand is why you are so willing to just forgive him and think you can all move on like nothing has happened...

I am sorry for your pain now ... and the pain that is still to come if you carry on as you are.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You've never seen him so upset. You think it's because he feels he was lied to, but it's because she has another man. Those two have a long-term relationship. You 'won'? If he's the prize, then today is definitely not your lucky day.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

perhaps I spoke too soon.....


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> perhaps I spoke too soon.....



Will you start listening to us? Im so sorry.... I really am.


----------



## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

What happened??


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

hes still depressed. not sure what to do


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> hes still depressed. not sure what to do



Focus on you. To hell with him. Betty... You need to take care of YOU. Let him manage his problems.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> not trying to say much more since people are clearly annoyed by my posts.


 @thebettyshow people are angry. But they are angry for you, not with you.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I just caught up.
Your husband is depressed that his affair partner has been unfaithful to him and you want to stay, is that what I'm reading.

May I ask why you believe you deserve such a selfish spouse? I don't think you do.
I will also ask why you feel the need to "do" anything for him? He should be jumping through hoops to save the marriage he is still in, rather than pouting over his AP.
You are worth more than you are receiving from him.
I do know what you are going through. Recovery is better than the betrayal. Whatever you do, I wish you peace.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Betty,

If people here seem angry it's because they can't smack your H in the face and they want to pay you some nominal amount to do it for them. 

Or think what you would feel if your daughters husband did this to her. 

Tamat


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

thanks for the advice


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> thanks for the advice


was the advice useful? What happened in the last 9 months?


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

they are still sexting. but its less frequent now. im just waiting until it stops entirely...


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@thebettyshow, can I ask -- WHY do you accept that he is sexting her AT ALL? Who cares if it's "less frequently"-- it shouldn't be AT ALL.

You should find out about HER spouse and let him know what is going on. Can you get copies of the sexting/texts that they have sent? If so, send some of that proof to HER husband. You should expose this to your/his family and your friends -- he needs to be knocked out of this. He knows this bothers you and yet he still does it. WHY do you accept this?

I think you need to work on your own self-worth and being less co-dependent. YOU do not deserve him doing this to you.
Put some plans in place for yourself, or at LEAST get some advice from some lawyers about what you would be entitled to in your state (even if you DON'T go through with a divorce).

I hate to see that you just "put up" with this and don't do anything about it and he pays NO consequences for his cheating actions. VERY sorry you are going through this.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> update: found out my husband was talking to her on vday and he found out that shes married! he is livid as can be! he blocked her email and told her he is never going to contact her again! not sure why his reaction was so extreme but im so happy its over!


That's rich coming from him? Your POS H is married but for him it's ok that he is jerking off to some other man's wife, but how dare she be married. Really twisted thinking!
I am sure the OW H would love to punch him in the face. I don't see how you can continue to be with this man.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> they are still sexting. but its less frequent now. im just waiting until it stops entirely...


Waiting for what exactly? It wont stop, unless you leave him, expose him to the OW's husband and move out. Then you wont have to deal with him anymore, why do you put up with this and how he is treating you. Dont you have any self respect?


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It seems....

No, it is...

She loves the man, will love him forever, till death do them part.

She is doing her part. In her heart she must.

She has the man's body, the other woman has his mind.

In Betty's mind, this suffices.

.............................................................................................

Suffices, just enough to endure, for the life of her.

If this is happy, Betty, roll with it.

Know that you roll alone, literally.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

And what happens after her? When he finds someone else? And someone else? And someone else? 

Why would you think it will end with her?


----------



## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

Just leave him. If you do maybe he will wake up. 

I know you have two kids and a newborn, but do you want to show them being treated this way is ok? That’s what you are showing them if you let this go on!!!!! Give him the ultimatum now, and if he doesn’t stop, kick him out! 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> they are still sexting. but its less frequent now. im just waiting until it stops entirely...


The VERY first thing that I would have done when I found out what he had been doing, was to insist that he MUST stop all contact immediately. I just don't understand why you think you must put up with it at all and let it go on and on all this time. You are enabling his behaviour as well. 
He has acted appallingly, and you have done nothing to call him out on it or show him the consequences of his actions.
The next thing I would have done is to tell her husband. Then make sure that I had access to all of his electronic devices and all passwords. 
To be honest though I couldn't be with a man who had cheated all that time, and who couldn't have sex with me without thinking of another woman. The trust would be gone and the respect would be gone.


----------



## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

He's not going to stop. He has no reason to.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Betty,

15 years of being second best in a marriage is ENOUGH!

Please do the following.

Save all the correspondence and pictures you can to a safe place only you can access.

Gather up ALL the OWs contacts, facebook linkedin coworkers bosses church family, especially her parents and grandparents and husband and husbands family.

Send out an exposure letter, email, etc etc.

Do it all at once and without warning or threats a massive tsunami of exposure.

Don't have a revenge emotional affair or he will be reducing you to his level.

Tamat


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


He wont stop....Because you allow this. We show people how to treat us, he has been shown that he can and WILL get away with this. You dont value yourself and you never will, UNTIL you act in a way that you think, DAMN that is a woman I can respect. 

You control things, but you have forgotten that you have control over your life. You cant control him, but you sure as hell can leave him and not be treated this way. 

He is physically cheating too, or has in the past. He knows you wont leave him. Why would he stop.... 


You thank us, but you did not do ONE THING to improve your situation. I feel like all our advice falls on deaf ears. Im sorry hun, but you really are not getting it.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


Betty its time to say, its her or me. Either you stop that contact or I am divorcing you. You know its wrong, we know its wrong and how would he react if you did that same with another man? In fact how about you say to him, I am going to find a man to have the sort of contact with that you do with your ex, is that ok? See what he says. 

I feel so mad at him, but you are enabling his behaviour, can't you see that? Tell her husband at the very least.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Since you plan on waiting for him to stop and he's told you that isn't going to happen, get some therapy so you can learn why you value yourself so little.


----------



## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but *he maintains what he is doing is not wrong* bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


You know it's wrong. Betty please get some help. You are worth way more than this.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


Then he won't mind if you contact an old boyfriend and enjoy escaping from reality and enjoying some virtual fun yourself, will he? Ask him for pointers on using the phone's camera to get the best angle of you pleasuring yourself to send to your ex. Be sure to remind him that you're going to be mighty busy making up for 15 years worth of lost time. He'll have to start taking care of the kids so you can catch up. Can he come home from work early to cook dinner and pick up the house because you know you're going to be kinda busy with your hand down your pants.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is not a husband. Not really.

Time he was fired.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


And since he's *such* a stand-up guy with loads of character, honor and integrity, I'd _believe_ him that these two fools have been satisfied with years and years of just typing to each other and never acting out their fantasies in person. 

I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you. 

I get the feeling you'll still cling to him like grim death even *after* you eventually discover this has been a *physical *affair as well as a texting one. While you're willing to swallow your pride and lower your expectations to zero just to hang onto him at all costs, the fact still remains that you DO need to worry about your own sexual health because Prince Charming sure doesn't give a **** about what he does to you. That's painfully obvious. You can deny it all you want (and you have for years, now), but that doesn't change the REALITY of your situation and if you're wise, you'll get yourself to a doctor and have a full STD panel done. It's the height of foolishness to believe a word out of his worthless mouth.

I'll just say good luck to you.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> no he wont stop. but he maintains what he is doing is not wrong bc it is merely virtual and they have never hooked up in real life


What he is doing is 100% cheating.
He thinks if her when he is with you HAVING SEX!!!
You should have listened to THor on the first page of your thread and filed for divorce.

He won’t stop cheating. He’s done it for 15 years.
I would tell this man you are releasing him to be with the love of his life, that you don’t care whether he gets her or not. But that you aren’t going to be with a man that thinks if another woman when he’s with you. 

He must be a distant relative of bill clinton to be so good at rationalizing disloyal, cheating behavior.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

it was never physical. I read all the emails. she wanted to meet up with him for drinks several times but he said no bc he wouldnt be able to resist her


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

we still have great sex and often. he told me that he only thinks of me now when having sex. he said to think of this girl like she was a celebrity. just some person to get off to once in a blue moon. he tells me im beautiful and sexy all the time and how much he loves me


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You are naive...and it is hard to imagine that you are over the age of 35.... I am sorry you value yourself so little. Im sorry you are (naive) enough to think because he is not seeing her that you are safe. 

Im gonna be harsh, but we cant help you. You don't want help. Help would mean taking our advice and you simply refuse and make excuses why he isn't SO BAD. 

As long as you act the way you are you will NEVER feel safe, and NEVER feel love. It is all a farce. Hope you can live your life acting the part but not living the part. 

I cant advise you anymore. I cannot help you. I will disengage from your post, and I hope others will follow as well. You learned NOTHING in the last 9 months. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO HELP YOURSELF. 

live with it. It is now YOUR CHOICE.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Then maybe you should carry on with your life and turn a blind eye to what he does. Lots of women do that.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

you are right. many do turn a blind one. but usually their offenses are much worse like they go out and have sex. with my husband its just the occasional email and picture


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> we still have great sex and often. he told me that he only thinks of me now when having sex. he said to think of this girl like she was a celebrity. just some person to get off to once in a blue moon. he tells me im beautiful and sexy all the time and how much he loves me


But, she isn't a celebrity. He would have zero chance with a celebrity. He would have never met the celebrity. This is an ex who has wanted to meet up for drinks.

Since you're so complacent about this activity, why are you posting about it?

Take a look at my earlier post - you don't have to actually contact an ex. Just run the scenario by your so-called husband and see his reaction. He needs to wake up before he decides to meet up for drinks with her. You don't want to be here in six months crying over how he has been shacking up in motel rooms with her and how he has been gaslighting you all this time.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> we still have great sex and often. he told me that he only thinks of me now when having sex. he said to think of this girl like she was a celebrity. just some person to get off to once in a blue moon. he tells me im beautiful and sexy all the time and how much he loves me


He is a liar and very manipulative.

And you wish to stay so badly that you believe his lies.


Why did you come here and post this?

Was your gut screaming that something wasn't right with this mess your husband has created?


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> you are right. many do turn a blind one. but usually their offenses are much worse like they go out and have sex. with my husband its just the occasional email and picture


Then just don't focus on it. Move on.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


Ask yourself: if he was webcamming with a prostitute and paying for it, would it be wrong? Just because it's free doesn't mean it's innocent fun.

Seriously, how can you possibly be confused? His words are cheap. Look at his actions - he gets off with an ex-girlfriend. Close your legs and the bakery before you're knocked up, again. Unless you want to be a single mother of 3 or 4 after he decides she is the love of his life. 

He has zero respect for you because you don't value yourself or your marriage enough to tell him to get the hell out with his virtual fun crap.


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


Of course he's going to say it's not a bad thing, geesh. The "rush" he gets is one of the problems, it becomes a bottomless pit. Eventually it grows to more emails, pictures etc as he needs more to feed the excitement. Or it'll start being multiple women as he tried to rekindle the rush feelings. Eventually it will lead to meeting for real, it always does.

Your also stuck in a perpetual state of competition for his attention now which just feeds his ego and eventually tears your down. He doesn't get to play the field while you hang around waiting for your turn.


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

there is no competition. I am his wife.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


So he says he has no feelings - but also says he gets a rush out of it? If he had no feelings why is he making effort for her? Effort that hurts YOUR feelings... and why is he willing to put his selfish feelings above loving you? He took vows with you, right? 

His actions aren't loving, full of honor and he certaining isn't cherishing you when he sexts her.

What a violation of trust and honor! Why aren't you demanding he stop or you divorce him?

His actions are a clear contradiction to his words...this means he's lying.


Do you always believe what he says?

What happens when his words don't match his actions? Do you notice that happens with him?


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> there is no competition. I am his wife.


Someone gets his time, energy and attention, right?

What would you call that?


----------



## thebettyshow (Dec 29, 2017)

their contact is very sporatic now that we have more kids. pretty soon it will stop all together


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Would you answer the questions?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


What he is doing is very bad. Very bad indeed.

How about a joint counselling session, with all of your husband's behaviour laid out for all to see?


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If he knows it bothers you and still does it then it is wrong. He is being a crappy husband in this respect, feeling for his ex or not.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

thebettyshow said:


> ... pretty soon it will stop all together


And you believe this because *HE* says it, right? Denial. It's a powerful thing.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You think it will stop. He says it won't. My money's on him.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> their contact is very sporatic now that we have more kids. pretty soon it will stop all together


No it won't.

Not unless one of them dies.

There's not one thing that will make them stop.

They may hide it better... but it won't stop - not after it's been "allowed" for 15 stinking years!


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Oh look....Now she is defending him and his activities. Says there is no competition, she is his WIFE! lmao.... 

Seriously woman, DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MANY MEN HAVE LEFT THEIR LONG TERM PARTNER FOR THE ONE THAT GOT AWAY. 

I cringe at your posts. Its so sad, I want to slap you.


EDIT: i forgot i wasnt gonna post again.


----------



## Nrecnocymton (Jan 12, 2017)

You took the time to research infidelity websites online over what he's done. You found this website. You joined almost a year ago. You titled your thread "husband sexting ex for 15 years". Clearly this bothered you (and rightfully so). Everyone who's responded to you AGREES with the assessment that it's wrong. Yet because of what he's said to you, you are believing his minimization of what he's done. Are you going to believe him, or what the experienced group here is repetitively telling you?


----------



## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

thebettyshow said:


> mother of 2 including nb. just found out husband has been emailing ex fiancee sporadically for 15 years. she was his first love, he proposed but she said no, dumped him and broke his heart. even though they broke up he has consistently been checking up on her to see if she is ok (his words). in the emails that I found (in his secret email he has only for her) they mostly talked about sex and how he always jerks off to her and how he thinks about her while having sex with me. 90% of the emails are about sex. they exchanged naked photos as well. he maintains that she means nothing to him, that she is only an escape from reality. is this cheating even though it never got physical ?( in one email she wanted to go for drinks but husband refused bc he said he cant resist her and would end up having sex with her). the emails werent lovey dovey at least, so its not really an emotional affair. right?


I had to go back and read this to make sure I had read correctly. You know, you make excuses, you don't care (enough) if he doesn't respect (or truly love) you for years, you accept his lies. You will not leave. He's got it made. Takes all kinds, I guess.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


He is BS'ing you. Of COURSE he is going to say it's not so bad -- he wants to continue to eat his cake and have you too. Yes he gets a charge from it -- it is an EA at the very least. This is EXTREMELY disrepectful of you and your marriage. Just because it's physical doesn't mean it's not an affair (please read about emotional affairs).

As other have said, what if YOU told him that you were going to do that same thing?
I would BET he would NOT be ok with that, even if it's just a "rush" to you and that you won't meet in real life.

"their contact is very sporatic now that we have more kids. pretty soon it will stop all together
"
What makes you think that he will stop? He hasn't so far and he still wants that rush, so why would he? You are deluding yourself here on this, I'm sorry to say. He tells you "he loves you and she means nothing, blah, blah, blah" because he knows that is what you want to hear so that it keeps you complacent and lets HIM continue to do what he wants.

"there is no competition. I am his wife."

If he were a real husband YOU would come first and NOBODY else. SHE WOULD NOT be in the picture, period. There IS competition. He is taking time away from you and YOUR relationship to do this with her.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person


Sounds like you are held captive to his thinking a bit like a Stockholm syndrome. You need to remove yourself from him and the situation, go stay with family or friends, and listen to people who can see the situation from the outside. 
Your sense of reality is all skewed and he is manipulating you into believing things he did are not so bad, you probably want to believe that too because the alternative is terrifying.
Only you can 'wake up' to the reality of the situation you are in and stop letting him gaslight and manipulate you. Then take action.

A question: if you decided to 'hook' up online with someone, think of them sometimes when you have sex with your WH, tell him you have no feelings for them, only have eyes for your WH. Would you think it was wrong? Would your WH think it was wrong?
Perhaps you should try it. Start looking now.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

thebettyshow said:


> there is no competition. I am his wife.


----------



## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

thebettyshow said:


> im just still so confused. people are telling me what he is doing is wrong but he tells me its not so bad that he has no feelings for her but just talks to her sometimes bc its a rush for him and he never wants to meet her in person




What he is doing is so wrong. Why don’t you guys go ahead and go to a counselor? Go ahead and explain all of his “extracurricular activities “ to the counselor, and he or she will even tell you it’s wrong. I’m not surprised you’re still having sex with him. Your self esteem must be on the floor, at this point. You deserve so much better. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------

