# What sort of a relationship is this?



## thoughtcreation (Mar 16, 2018)

DP and I have been together for 16 years. Last year we got married, after I don't know how many occasions of me making it clear that I wanted to be married. We have 2 teenagers, and while he has an Ex wife and child maintenance to pay for his son from previous marriage I don't and his final word was that "fine, he was happy to marry" me. Not relevant I suppose but it stings that at a BBQ his brother threw this summer, I overheard one of his mates congratulating him on wedding - and him sort of saying about his Ex, and the child maintenance and he would have been happy not to or whatever, but I wanted it, and it would be unreasonable for him to deny me...do you see what i mean? 

Anyway - over the past year or so he has been having what I can say is greatly heightened contact with a girl from work. I think she is about 11 years younger than me/him. She is a super starry scientist (we are all scientists in relatively same field) and she is extraordinarily talented for her age. Anyway, initially i thought it was all good, he took her under his wing etc. But I have now pried a bit for the past few months. It looks like there have been very many many, (saying 50 plus or so) lunches and coffees in half a year - some by the canal, some in public cafes, some in restaurants, some by the seaside (it's a small beach town we are in). Their messages - largely on chat or email - are very emotional. She confides in him - about all manners of things from her fiance, to her dreams, hopes, fears - and he is - how shall I put it - like knight in shining armour. He offers her all manners of things from practical help, including on at least 3 weekends, to basically vast amounts of emotional support. There are far too many to list - but two examples stand out. One time it seems she had some form a conversation with him about something do with sexual things from what it looks like. Not entirely sure - but basically that was followed up by 5 or 6 emails back and forth about her saying how sorry she is to have mentioned it, and how she has embarrassed herself, and him saying that she must not at all worry, and that she desperately needed to say these things, her saying how grateful she is, him saying not at all, and her saying that she feels she can come to him for any situation, and him saying that is so important - and it goes on. Or - entirely laboratory related incident - relatively minor (I am a scientist in the exact same field so I know the technical content) - and them having clearly had a chat - and him contacting her on Google saying that he feels she might be offended at him - and she then explains, and he explains, and she explains - and again - profuse thanking for such solidariyt and support and then - another trip for a meal to the beachside cafe place. Fine, yes the lab is located close to town. 

I called him on it and said what is this. He says nobody has laid a finger on anyone and lost it with me and I am suspicious person. But seriously - why would a 38 year old man invest such time, emotional energy and so much communication on to a 26 year old woman, and - is there not a degree of - emotional closeness/intimacy in this "you are such a wonderful rock of support, I can come to you with anything/I am so sorry for talking about X" - and "you must never apologise, and you needed to do so" etc? 

Feeling miserable. 16 years together for heavens sake. 2 teenagers for heavens sake.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

It sounds like an emotional affair, at least on his side. This younger lady may be enjoying the attention, and if they haven't slept together, the only reason for that is because she doesn't want to.

You may have been together for 16 years, but it doesn't sound to me like he's every really been fully committed to you. I mean, he didn't even really want to marry you... he did it (and he TELLS EVERYONE that he did it) because you wanted to. What does that tell you? It tells you that he never would have married you otherwise.

Honestly, this guy is a tool, and you deserve better than this. You expressed concerns about his interaction with this woman, and he is totally dismissive. Classic cheater.


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## thoughtcreation (Mar 16, 2018)

To be fair to him he didnt tell the BBQ bloke he did not want to, it was more like Bloke "congrats mate, well done!" and him saying the whole story of his life and my wishes and then how it would be unreaosnable for me to stand in the way of that wish" that kind of thing. Also I do not entirely know of course what the face to face sex related conversation might have been with the girl, but if you are 26, is sexual matters/sexuality/sex stuff something you'd necessarily wish to speak about with your 38 year old coworker, following which you are apparently very traumatised at having spoken too much and following which said 38 year old copiously assures you and reminds you that it was just the thing you badly needed to do etc. But he is right, I have nothing to go on. He says he is her friend, and she is too. I doubt my own sanity at times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thoughtcreation said:


> DP and I have been together for 16 years. Last year we got married, after I don't know how many occasions of me making it clear that I wanted to be married. We have 2 teenagers, and while he has an Ex wife and child maintenance to pay for his son from previous marriage I don't and his final word was that "fine, he was happy to marry" me. Not relevant I suppose but it stings that at a BBQ his brother threw this summer, I overheard one of his mates congratulating him on wedding - and him sort of saying about his Ex, and the child maintenance and he would have been happy not to or whatever, but I wanted it, and it would be unreasonable for him to deny me...do you see what i mean?
> 
> Anyway - over the past year or so he has been having what I can say is greatly heightened contact with a girl from work. I think she is about 11 years younger than me/him. She is a super starry scientist (we are all scientists in relatively same field) and she is extraordinarily talented for her age. Anyway, initially i thought it was all good, he took her under his wing etc. But I have now pried a bit for the past few months. It looks like there have been very many many, (saying 50 plus or so) lunches and coffees in half a year - some by the canal, some in public cafes, some in restaurants, some by the seaside (it's a small beach town we are in). Their messages - largely on chat or email - are very emotional. She confides in him - about all manners of things from her fiance, to her dreams, hopes, fears - and he is - how shall I put it - like knight in shining armour. He offers her all manners of things from practical help, including on at least 3 weekends, to basically vast amounts of emotional support. There are far too many to list - but two examples stand out. One time it seems she had some form a conversation with him about something do with sexual things from what it looks like. Not entirely sure - but basically that was followed up by 5 or 6 emails back and forth about her saying how sorry she is to have mentioned it, and how she has embarrassed herself, and him saying that she must not at all worry, and that she desperately needed to say these things, her saying how grateful she is, him saying not at all, and her saying that she feels she can come to him for any situation, and him saying that is so important - and it goes on. Or - entirely laboratory related incident - relatively minor (I am a scientist in the exact same field so I know the technical content) - and them having clearly had a chat - and him contacting her on Google saying that he feels she might be offended at him - and she then explains, and he explains, and she explains - and again - profuse thanking for such solidariyt and support and then - another trip for a meal to the beachside cafe place. Fine, yes the lab is located close to town.
> 
> ...


Why? It strokes his ego.

What does her fiancee think of it all?

I know! Let's find out.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

thoughtcreation said:


> To be fair to him he didnt tell the BBQ bloke he did not want to, it was more like Bloke "congrats mate, well done!" and him saying the whole story of his life and my wishes and then how it would be unreaosnable for me to stand in the way of that wish" that kind of thing. Also I do not entirely know of course what the face to face sex related conversation might have been with the girl, but if you are 26, is sexual matters/sexuality/sex stuff something you'd necessarily wish to speak about with your 38 year old coworker, following which you are apparently very traumatised at having spoken too much and following which said 38 year old copiously assures you and reminds you that it was just the thing you badly needed to do etc. But he is right, I have nothing to go on. He says he is her friend, and she is too. I doubt my own sanity at times.


Do NOT doubt yourself, your gut is screaming at you that this is entirely inappropriate, which it is. No 38 year old married man has any right fraternising with a 26 yr olf (who is not his wife) spendng that much time together, disclosing so much to each other, all the emotional intimacy is just not on.
Your H is engaged in an emotional affair which could end up as a physical affair if you do not nip it in the bud right now. His protection of his EA by calling you names is a sure sign that all is not well.

Tell him if he doesn't quit the meals, coffees, emails, etc you are done
go and see a lawyer to see what your options are, just for your own sake
do the 180 on him immediately
confide in your close friends and family, tell them what is going on, let him be accountable, hopefully some of your family members will 'call him out' by teasing him etc
if she has a fiance, tell the fiance what is happening, so he can guard the relationship
it sounds like your H is not fully committed to you
he needs to know what he is jeopardizing for this OW
Go scorched earth now


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Completely inappropriate and you are right to feel the way you do about it. @aine's advice is spot on. Time to give yourself a voice and set some boundaries. If he wants to carry on with this young girl, by all means continue, but it will be without YOU in his life. If he chooses her, then you need to be prepared to walk, you cannot bluff this, or you are doomed. If he chooses you, then all contact with her stops NOW. Period.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

thoughtcreation said:


> DP and I have been together for 16 years. Last year we got married, after I don't know how many occasions of me making it clear that I wanted to be married. We have 2 teenagers, and while he has an Ex wife and child maintenance to pay for his son from previous marriage I don't and his final word was that "fine, he was happy to marry" me. Not relevant I suppose but it stings that at a BBQ his brother threw this summer, I overheard one of his mates congratulating him on wedding - and him sort of saying about his Ex, and the child maintenance and he would have been happy not to or whatever, but I wanted it, and it would be unreasonable for him to deny me...do you see what i mean?
> 
> Anyway - over the past year or so he has been having what I can say is greatly heightened contact with a girl from work. I think she is about 11 years younger than me/him. She is a super starry scientist (we are all scientists in relatively same field) and she is extraordinarily talented for her age. Anyway, initially i thought it was all good, he took her under his wing etc. But I have now pried a bit for the past few months. It looks like there have been very many many, (saying 50 plus or so) lunches and coffees in half a year - some by the canal, some in public cafes, some in restaurants, some by the seaside (it's a small beach town we are in). Their messages - largely on chat or email - are very emotional. She confides in him - about all manners of things from her fiance, to her dreams, hopes, fears - and he is - how shall I put it - like knight in shining armour. He offers her all manners of things from practical help, including on at least 3 weekends, to basically vast amounts of emotional support. There are far too many to list - but two examples stand out. One time it seems she had some form a conversation with him about something do with sexual things from what it looks like. Not entirely sure - but basically that was followed up by 5 or 6 emails back and forth about her saying how sorry she is to have mentioned it, and how she has embarrassed herself, and him saying that she must not at all worry, and that she desperately needed to say these things, her saying how grateful she is, him saying not at all, and her saying that she feels she can come to him for any situation, and him saying that is so important - and it goes on. Or - entirely laboratory related incident - relatively minor (I am a scientist in the exact same field so I know the technical content) - and them having clearly had a chat - and him contacting her on Google saying that he feels she might be offended at him - and she then explains, and he explains, and she explains - and again - profuse thanking for such solidariyt and support and then - another trip for a meal to the beachside cafe place. Fine, yes the lab is located close to town.
> 
> ...


No, he is having at least an emotional affair. Further, I think the girl is taken with him. 

Now, let me be clear, I am not saying physical yet, for sure. However, a young girl, and she is young, taken with an older man, yeah, that is not going to work. 

I have this issue with younger woman ALL THE TIME, and because I am in a relationship, it is annoying. 

When I was not, well, you can figure that out...

So SHE is an issue. 

However, his behavior is cheater 101 gas lighting. He knows she is into him and frankly, he is weighing his options. He is thinking about making a move, sorry. 

Further, if she just laid it out, he would bang her in a heartbeat. 

So, you are going to have to take charge if you want to keep your marriage, and if you don't, well you might as well file. 

What do you want to do?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I have mentored a few younger women and have had lunches etc. with them. That is not abnormal depending on industry. But your husband sounds like a bit of a dbag, and a mentor mentee relationship shouldn't involve too much personal intimate topics. In some circumstances I could understand discussing relationships if it relates to getting a SO to understands demands of a profession that has odd hours or lots of travel that kind of thing. 

So yah this sounds like an inappropriate situation. Maybe there's nothing going on but if nothing else your husband should understand this type of situation with a much younger coworker could lead to serious problems. 

His whole attitude towards you really sounds sucky. You wanted to get married he didn't want that commitment, you knew this but had kids with him anyway, finally he relented and married you. But in his mind he can still do whatever he wants. He really sounds like the type of guy who should never get married once let alone twice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One of three things taking place with him here - 

- he is having an affair with her.

- he is hoping to have an affair with her and working real hard to accomplish that.

Or

- he is being played as an old fool to help her with all her problems and she is basically using him as an errand boy that is having visions of sugar plums dancing in his head.

If it isn't the first one, it is likely a combination of the other two.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Their relationship is completely inappropriate and vey dangerous. At the very least that have a deep emotional connection which a married/committed person should never have with anyone of the opposite sex except their partner. Mentoring or whatever it is(and I think we all know its gone way past workplace mentoring) should always be done by a same sex person if at all possible. 
Neither seem to have any sort of boundaries and I suspect that both would have great difficulty in ending this relationship now. 
However if allowed to carryon its likely that it will become a full blown affair if its not already. 

I would love to see how he would react if this was the other way round. I would also wonder how her fiancé would react if he knew what was happening. 50 dates(thats what they are) in 6 months is crazy. They have no need to have any such contact outside work.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Inappropriate relationship. From the sounds of it, she said something that crossed the proverbial line, and quickly retracted it, embarrassed, etc. Clearly she has gotten very comfortable with your husband, but it also sounds like she likes things where they are....for now....and doesn't want to jeopardize this close bond they have by taking it to the next level.

Your husband is very clearly enjoying this very much. Younger woman, check. Needs his advice making him feel good, check. Attractive in part due to her high intelligence in their field, check. It's a massive ego stroke for him on many levels. He is going to have a hard time cutting this off. 

You have to handle this strongly, but not angrily. More like, hey, I'm in charge here, I'm not going to put up with this, I'm way too good for this nonsense. He is too in love with this dopamine rush to just let it go easily. You are going to have to fluff your feathers and claim your property.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

You live in a small town? Here is what I would do:

Figure out when they are having one of their dates and "coincidentally" drop in and kick their relationship right in the nuts.

Sit down. Don't wait to be invited to join. Gregariously introduce yourself as the wife.

_Hi, I'm Sally, John's wife! You must be <homewrecker's name>?

I see that John has been an incredibly "attentive" mentor to you, you guys meet and email each other so often! I hope he's been a great help with the issues you have been facing.

Hey, why don't you and your fiance join us for dinner sometime soon?

Okay, I don't mean to intrude on your private time, see you around!_

Trust me, that will throw the monkey wrench in that arrangement.

Your husband will probably be pissed at you, but **** his feelings.

That will give you the opportunity to let him know exactly how you feel about his shenanigans and what you will not accept.

Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You are approaching this as a scientist, trying to break it down to see what is there.

You are trying to be rational and thoughtful, fully in control.

This young female colleague is coming at him like a women, being coy, shy, gracious.
She is slipping her delicate self under his wing.

When a logical women battles a coy sexual women for the attention of a man, logic loses every time.

Perfume overpowers laboratory solvent every time.

The younger women is slowly adding and stirring in love chemicals. And love signals, too.
She employs a magnetic stirrer. Some women have large ones.
She is employing her Bunsen burner and her heat is readily breaking down your man's proteinous resolve. 


What to do?

Turn on your own charm or end this 16 year failing experiment now.

Your marriage never really got warm, it seems.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> One of three things taking place with him here -
> 
> - he is having an affair with her.
> 
> ...


I'm voting "B" from above - he's *hoping* to have an affair with her. But I also agree with "C" above in that it's totally possible she's using him for an errand boy but he's unaware of that and likely thinks he's on his way to something much deeper with her.

Like a lot of guys, it's highly possible he's just playing it cool - being the shoulder to cry on, the always-present support system who will listen to anything she has to say, and the guy whose ALWAYS on her side - no matter what.

These types of guys tend to lie in wait for their prey to come to them. Partly because they don't want to make a move on these women because they're afraid to upset the delicate balance of the 'friendship' by showing themselves as the mouth-breathers they really are, but I think it's MORE due a fear of destroying what they're building with these women and losing their chance to see where it goes. So, they bide their time, always being there, always listening, always being that 'rock' for her, and for a lot of them, always hoping she'll open that door to more intimate interaction between them.

I think the OP's husband is just biding his time....


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

He is at least having an emotional affair, which is absolutely wrong.


However, this:



> DP and I have been together for 16 years. Last year we got married, after I don't know how many occasions of me making it clear that I wanted to be married.


means you chose this. You stayed for 15 years with a man who knew you wanted marriage before he married you. He is wrong, but you chose to stick around for him.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

I read your other threads and posts.
Is this the same situation that was 
going on then ? If so I wonder why 
you are still letting it go on ? He gets
his ego stroked and you get tons of 
stress. Why continue allowing this to
go on ? You need to take control of 
this situation and concentrate on 
you. Your life and mental health.

She knows he is married but so
does he. He is only going to 
keep doing this until you tell
him how you feel and it needs 
to stop. If he doesn't let him
go to his young friend. I bet 
after a while she sends him 
packing. She doesn't have to 
put up with his crap all of the 
time like you do.

Take control of your life back
from him and her. He stops or 
he goes!! You continue to
live a happy and stress free
life. Is he really worth this ?


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## thoughtcreation (Mar 16, 2018)

Thanks everyone, very hard to read this, but that is how it is. I was hoping at least one of you would call me paranoid. Or crazy. Regarding getting married last year - he always said the experience with previous son/wife etc means that he was not bothered either way, so I did not have to do ultimatums etc, but - yes, the conversation with the BBQ mate most definitely included the fact that he would otherwise be unreasonable to not agree to getting married etc, which, the more I think of it, seems - for the lack of a better word - slightly icky. On the other hand, he got married to me, and it was my desire to do so, and he definitely honoured it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> , but I think it's MORE due a fear of destroying what they're building with these women and losing their chance to see where it goes.


Unfortunately, if he is weak or in experienced, she usually has to lay it out for him. 

Other men, just swoop in when they want to, I am thinking he is a beginner... 

Does not change what he actually doing or hoping for. 

She needs to nip this in the bud the RIGHT (read as strong) way, whatever happens to the marriage...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> He is at least having an emotional affair, which is absolutely wrong.
> However, this:
> means you chose this. You stayed for 15 years with a man who knew you wanted marriage before he married you. He is wrong, but you chose to stick around for him.


This is the hard truth. 
He is not madly in love with you. 
Maybe he was at the beginning, but beginnings turn into later parts of the journey.

Had he been in love with you, he would have asked for your hand a long time ago. 
He married you out of propriety, maybe, he having a tinge of guilt.

This new woman, she has shifted his attention to her, away from you.
The fact that he said that no touching has occurred means he is acutely aware of where this friendship could go.

It also shows he is denial that mental touching exists, as in EA's.

Oh, he knows. Knows well his actions are suspect. 

Yet.....

Yet, he continues.


A shame, this.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> *Had he been in love with you, he would have asked for your hand a long time ago. *
> He married you out of propriety, maybe, he having a tinge of guilt.
> 
> The fact that he said that no touching has occurred means he is acutely aware of where this friendship could go.
> ...


All of this. Especially the sentence in bold. He might have been gun shy due to a prior relationship/child?? You've been with him for 16 years and you said he was 38. So really, you were together your whole adult life. And it took 15 years? Strange timeline. Was he married in this teens or something?

I'm a guy. Most of us dudes can't wait to lock down a woman they are gaga for. It's not like you met in your 40s and he's a jaded guy with teenagers. You began at 22. 

Thinking further, you're in bigger trouble than just this woman. If you successfully get rid of her, he may still be looking for something shinier while in a convenient, obligatory marriage with you.

Sorry.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You shouldn't have to beg a guy to love you the way that makes you feel honored, safe and secure. Your husband isn't acting like a husband. He's also setting a terrible example for your kids - they will grow up to identify with his role as a father - and seek out that kind of man - or likely be that same type if they are boys.

Is that the kind of marriage you want for your kids?


If you want something different then end the marriage - showing your H that this isn't enough for you to feel loved - and show your kids that love doesn't look like that!

Do counseling to find out why you thought marrying him would be a good idea - and how to never choose this for yourself ever again.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You said in your prior thread you work in banking and travel - and she has stayed overnight when you are away!

Holy crap! Wake up!

Your eyes have been closed a long time!

Have you installed a camera in the home?

You seem to need hard evidence - you will get it.

Doing nothing except talking about this since last March hasn't changed a thing. He denies - you still do nothing.


Cheaters lie... a LOT. It works until the lies become hard to believe... you are long overdue to change this!

Take action.


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## thoughtcreation (Mar 16, 2018)

Thanks all. I’ll try to keep professional/age details as non specific/changeable as possible to protect anonymity - mine largely rather than his to be honest- but anyway - yes it’s ben going on a fair while. We have had MULTIPLE conversations ranging between very heated to massively calm. In the end it boils down to a single point: nobody has touched anybody. 

And yes he was very very young freshly left college when he “made mistakes not to be repeated”.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

thoughtcreation said:


> In the end it boils down to a single point: nobody has touched anybody.


You do understand that at this point that is just a technicality right?

(And this is assuming they haven't gone physical)

Assuming they haven't had sex, it is simply because she hasn't taken him up on it yet.

He is right there poised at the waiting with his finger on the trigger ready to go at a moments notice.

All it will take from her is a little spike in her hormone level or feeling a bit neglected by her boyfriend or maybe she catch a glimpse of his biceps or some veins in his forearms and she decides he's not too old and nerdy after all and they will be off to the races. 

Using a ten-stage launch sequence, they have counted down from 10 and are at T-minus 1 second and have their finger on the launch button. 

All they need at this point is a place where no one is watching and for her say "OK."

Figuratively speaking, she is laying naked on the bed and he is standing beside the bed with his belt unbuckled and his fly unzipped waiting for her to spread her legs and say "hop on!"

At what point are you going to take action??????


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> Unfortunately, if he is weak or in experienced, she usually has to lay it out for him.
> 
> Other men, just swoop in when they want to, I am thinking he is a beginner...
> 
> ...


It's this ^^^^^^^

Again, this is all assuming they aren't getting it on - which is a real stretch of the imagination to begin with.

But anyway, if they aren't doing the deed yet it is because he is too nerdy and awkward and weak to make the move and is waiting for her to pin him down and take it from him.

No man spends this kind if time and energy and presumably money with a gal he isn't bopping or isn't hoping to bop. 

The reason this is still going on is she is digging the attention and flattery and all the favors but he doesn't turn her on and she isn't sexually attracted to him.

But since he hasn't actually made the offer and taken the rejection this just keeps going on and on and on.

The problem is all it will take is a hormone spike or feeling slighted by a BF or. Some other "moment of weakness" and he'll be on her like a new coat if paint.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Here I fixed your post you in bold below. 




thoughtcreation said:


> - yes it’s ben going on a fair while. We have had MULTIPLE conversations ranging between very heated to massively calm. In the end it boils down to a single point: nobody has touched anybody *YET.*
> 
> ”


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

It's a relationship that's building a tight bond between the two of them while SQUEEZING you out.

That is for sure!

All these empty "conversations with him" are worthless!


YOU need to take action to change things!


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

From your other post, the stays over while you were out of town would be WAY over my line. What was the excuse for that? Unless it was a damn good one (and maybe even if), they slept together in your house.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Yeah, I mean, think about sex rank.

We don't know what any of you look like. 

But given she is younger, and a superstar scientist, she likely outranks you unless she's quite overweight or horribly homely.

It's actually likely they haven't touched each other. It's also likely that it's only a matter of time.

But I like the idea another poster had about crashing one of their lunches. Make it look like an accident. Invite her fiance. Get him involved. He needs to know how much time his lady is spending with your husband. If she refuses the double date or dodges it, then you really know they are up to no good very soon. Couples being friends is a way safer thing than just those two being friends.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

"Yeah, I mean, think about sex rank.

We don't know what any of you look like. 

But given she is younger, and a superstar scientist, she likely outranks you unless she's quite overweight or horribly homely."

I just threw up a little in my mouth.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Just noticed you have another thread which has contradictory or a lot more information.

""""She also has visited our house a fair few times, including overnight stays - but or a variety of circumstances it always seem to fall when I am in NYC or Amsterdam..."""

I retract what I said about them not having sex.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

personofinterest said:


> "Yeah, I mean, think about sex rank.
> 
> We don't know what any of you look like.
> 
> ...


I did too, writing it. She needs to hear how serious this is.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why do you think having the same silly conversation with him changes anything?

He's probably laughing at you for wanting to believe his blatant lies.


Why are you staying when his attachment to his OW is much deeper than it is to you?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

PLace a hidden camera in the bedroom and living room when you go on your next trip. For sure they are having a physical affair. Time to get a lawyer asap.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

aine said:


> PLace a hidden camera in the bedroom and living room when you go on your next trip. For sure they are having a physical affair. Time to get a lawyer asap.


Yes, one that shows in real time - audio too!

Nest camera is great!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

thoughtcreation said:


> In the end it boils down to a single point: nobody has touched anybody.
> 
> And yes he was very very young freshly left college when he “made mistakes not to be repeated”.


 From a cheaters point of view, making "mistakes not to be repeated", means getting caught, not that he will not cheat again. 

As for him saying that "nobody has touched anybody", do not believe it since in a past post on a different thread you stated that "She also has visited our house a fair few times, including overnight stays - but for a variety of circumstances it always seem to fall when I am in NYC or Amsterdam." It is never OK for a married man to have another woman spend the night with him when the spouse is out of town. It is outrageous that he is even trying to tell you that this is OK. You do realize that since it is almost impossible to take photos of cheaters actually in the act of having sex, in states were cheating impacts the amount of alimony, private investigators often prove cheating to the judge by showing photos that show that they spent the night together alone in the same dwelling. The judge would laugh him out of the courtroom at any claim by him that this is normal and innocent. 

Additionally, if he is her job superior, she can sue the company claiming that he made her job advancement contingent on her spending the night with him (means sleeping with him to most), and she would win.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

I doubt you will to listen to any of this given all the history. Leave him. He’s having an affair right in front of you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Give him the ultimatum. Either he stops talking to her, or you’re gone. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

jewels465 said:


> I doubt you will to listen to any of this given all the history. Leave him. He’s having an affair right in front of you. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this. Give him the ultimatum. Either he stops talking to her, or you’re gone.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Honestly, if I'm her, I leave him anyway.

He's defending this ridiculous arrangement, which means one of two things. 

1) He is deeply into her and doesn't want to give her up, or 
2) .....I forgot, actually, 1) is the only explanation.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

thoughtcreation said:


> DP and I have been together for 16 years. Last year we got married, after I don't know how many occasions of me making it clear that I wanted to be married. We have 2 teenagers, and while he has an Ex wife and child maintenance to pay for his son from previous marriage I don't and his final word was that "fine, he was happy to marry" me. Not relevant I suppose but it stings that at a BBQ his brother threw this summer, I overheard one of his mates congratulating him on wedding - and him sort of saying about his Ex, and the child maintenance and he would have been happy not to or whatever, but I wanted it, and it would be unreasonable for him to deny me...do you see what i mean?
> 
> Anyway - over the past year or so he has been having what I can say is greatly heightened contact with a girl from work. I think she is about 11 years younger than me/him. She is a super starry scientist (we are all scientists in relatively same field) and she is extraordinarily talented for her age. Anyway, initially i thought it was all good, he took her under his wing etc. But I have now pried a bit for the past few months. It looks like there have been very many many, (saying 50 plus or so) lunches and coffees in half a year - some by the canal, some in public cafes, some in restaurants, some by the seaside (it's a small beach town we are in). Their messages - largely on chat or email - are very emotional. She confides in him - about all manners of things from her fiance, to her dreams, hopes, fears - and he is - how shall I put it - like knight in shining armour. He offers her all manners of things from practical help, including on at least 3 weekends, to basically vast amounts of emotional support. There are far too many to list - but two examples stand out. One time it seems she had some form a conversation with him about something do with sexual things from what it looks like. Not entirely sure - but basically that was followed up by 5 or 6 emails back and forth about her saying how sorry she is to have mentioned it, and how she has embarrassed herself, and him saying that she must not at all worry, and that she desperately needed to say these things, her saying how grateful she is, him saying not at all, and her saying that she feels she can come to him for any situation, and him saying that is so important - and it goes on. Or - entirely laboratory related incident - relatively minor (I am a scientist in the exact same field so I know the technical content) - and them having clearly had a chat - and him contacting her on Google saying that he feels she might be offended at him - and she then explains, and he explains, and she explains - and again - profuse thanking for such solidariyt and support and then - another trip for a meal to the beachside cafe place. Fine, yes the lab is located close to town.
> 
> ...


Emotional affair. And he doesn't recognize it. Mine was the same way. But when co-workers come to you and show you "lovey" pics taken on phones and the couple are called "work spouses"...You have every right to feel cheated. He is going OUTSIDE the marriage for validation and youthful vigor. And it will turn physical if left to it's own. The sorry part in all of this is that on some level, he doesn't even acknowlege you during his TIME with her....

It needs to stop and immediately. There is a good read around here...Called "Not Just Friends" or something like that. Get it.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

She makes him feel important, needed and alive.


What do YOU plan to do about it?


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