# Serious trust issues............



## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

I am having a big problem that has to do with trust. I discovered in March that my husband had an emotional affair for the 3rd time in 13 years of marriage. We separated briefly (2 months) and then reconciled. I agreed to recon mainly for the childrens sake and also because he was remorseful and showed commitment to work on marriage. I must say, I regret the decision I made to reconcile because I now feel I was not ready yet. I am also having difficulty trusting him ever again. I demanded that he cuts all contact with the girl but I have discovered twice after the recon that he is still in touch, latest being today. I have not confronted him about this and I don't think I will because I will be accused of invasion of privacy. 

When we discussed the no contact issue, he stated that it would be difficult to cut off contact completely because the girl was helping him with some business deals,blah blah,. I did not accept that and told him to find other ways of conducting his business deals. Today I discovered that 2 phone calls to the girl were made while I was away for the weekend with the kids. One call was made in the evening at 9:56pm and the other the following day at noon. I find it difficult to believe that a call made so late in the evening would be business related.I also discovered that the girl apparently did not answer both calls and makes me wonder if its my hubby now pursuing the girl or what.

The bottom line is based on what has happened and still happening right now, I find it difficult to trust my husband and I don't think I ever will. I also don't want to spend the rest of my life constantly checking on him due of lack of trust.I have tried my best to put the effort to make it work, but the problem is that it is one sided.THings are no longer the same in the relationship and my feelings for my hubby have somehow changed after all what has happened in the past. I feel my husband wanted the recon mainly for convinience than love. I have made decision in my mind that, it would be better for us to part ways but then there are kids involved which makes things complicated. As a result I now feel trapped in the marriage and have to pretend to be happy for the sake of peace. Please help advice on what I can do in this situation I have found myself in.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

You NEED to speak with him and confront him with this. Privicy is one thing, but secrets and deception are NOT ACCEPTABLE in a marriage.


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It is unfortunate that your husband continues to behave against you after committing to work on the marriage. Trust is paramount in a relationship and I can understand your frustration. You admit that you are pretending to be happy but of course that is not satisfying. To be truly happy you are going to either have to get your husband to a point where you CAN trust him, continue as you do now, or make a clean break and get into a relationship where a man respects you enough not to break your trust.


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thank you all for replying to my post. I agree that without trust, there is no relationship really and for me trust is a big one. I realise that I have to make decision about this situation, its either i accept things remain as they are after countless efforts or i make a clean break. I appreciate the advice that I have to speak to H about this issue but what's the point of continously speaking to someone's who does not seem keen to put into action what is talked about? Ever since the recon, we have engaged in many discussions about putting the much needed effort into the marriage and about cutting all contact with OW, but unfortunately its falling on deaf ears and it has come to a point whereby I lack the motivation and energy now. Its more like giving up on us.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Actions, not words always tell the true story. If he hasn't put in the effort, then you have not been in True R, you have been in False R. If he was truly remorseful about the affair, he will want to do anything to regain your trust. And that means being transparent. Here is something that someone made about Reconciliation on the SI site:










Your WH is quite obviously rugsweeping, and nothing has been learned from this A.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Are you positive this is EA only? Not PA? Your h's excuses to not give up the ow is the same sad story as my exH gave me. He kept telling me she was "just a friend" and that I was over reacting, that contact was necessary because they worked together. I dont know how many times he would try to reassure me that nothing was going on. But, there was something going on. They were in the middle of a full blown sexual affair with each other. 
If I were you, I would put on my detective hat and start looking for proof of something more. I am not saying your H is having a PA with this ow but the way he gives you excuses to stay in contact with her is mighty suspicious in my book. And if he has ever used the words "just a friend" to describe the ow, that is a huge red flag of there being intimate contact.


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thank you all for responding to my post. 
@lordmayhem, from what i read from the table you provided, I think my husband is rug sweeping indeed because he acts exactly as laid out there. 

@AppleDucklings, at the moment I don't have evidence of it being a PA but I'm positive its an EA. And at the same time I know there is a big possiblity of it being EA/PA. Up to this moment, he keeps telling me there is nothing going on, just business related contact, but I'm not convinced really. I will keep posting on latest developments.


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

@Confusedlot

You probably need to come to terms that your husband is in a full blown physical/emotional affair. It is most definitely as bad as you suspect it is, regardless of not having any evidence of PA. 

The thing that struck me is that he is worried about privacy. Good God woman, you are his wife and he has no right to privacy in your marriage. Stand up for yourself and your marriage and tell him this. You should both be willing to share anything about your lives, with each other. Marriage is about being totally transparent with each other. Transparency is not just something that should happen after an A is found out. You hold the cards here. If you didn't, he would've already come clean about the A and left you already. Please don't make the same mistake that I did with my wife and accept this kind of treatment from him. She argued with me about privacy, said they were just friends, blah, blah, blah. It's like all the WS's go to the same bookstore and buy the exact same book on cheating before they actually do. 

Sorry if my rant came across too harsh. I hate to see others fall into the same traps that I did. I wish you all the best of luck.


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

Thank you for the wonderful words of advice RestlessinGeorgia and all others. I have made a decision which I intend to stick to. I wil not tolerate his behaviour anymore. I am done being anybody's doormat, that I am clear about. From now on, I am working on my exit strategy. I will keep posting on latest developments.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

He lost his right to privacy. You need to confront him that you know he is still in contact with the ow. Most likely he will turn the tables on you and try to make you feel bad for snooping. Screw that. You are NOT snooping. You have every right to know what your husband is doing and with whom. You have every right to protect yourself. I am highly suspicious of this being a PA (Im sorry but prepare yourself for the worst)


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

I have already confronted him about it and told him I will not tolerate this anymore. All I am getting at the moment is the silent treatment and I know he is mad at me for checking on him (speaking from past experience). But the silent treatment does not bother me much because I have adopted the 180 approach and its quite effective as I did it during the brief separation and it helped a lot. Thanks again.


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

*Re: Serious trust issues............(update)*

Hi again everyone.Just to give a brief update, would appreciate further advice . I am really irritated and frustrated by the fact that hubby wants to pretend as if everything is normal. Seemingly the silent treatment is coming to an end now and he wants to shrug everything under the carpet and go on as usual, as if we are okay when we are not. I find it hard to understand why he thinks avoiding issues would make things fine when in fact it makes things worse in the long run. Seeing that the silent treatment is diminishing, this morning I asked him to read an article in a magazine, if he had a few minutes of his time to spare. He was still in bed. It was about couple’s therapy; what it entails and the benefits. You know what he did? He read just the topic and a few first lines and upon realising what it is about decided to go and wash his car. This gave me the impression that our relationship is not a priority at all to him; he has other important things to do other than working on the marriage. Am I wrong in thinking like that? When he left for work, he told me he did not get time to read the article, he would do it later on. For me, this is the last attempt at salvaging this marriage. And honestly, I don’t have the energy anymore. It seems we are not at the same level of thinking regarding what a marriage entails. He just does not get it. Somehow his behaviour has been shaped by the way he grew up, his background. Seemingly for them, the way their father treated their mother is the right way and they are emulating him in their behaviours, all of the boys in the family.

Right now I feel that maybe it would be much better if we separated for a while. I am beginning to feel anger and I kinda dislike him now, can't stand to be in the same room as he is anymore. Just thinking that maybe the distance would help me heal. Actually, during the brief separation I was much happier without him in the house, he would just come around to check on the kids and we got along well. I have been trying to be strong in all of this but today feel like I am breaking down now, but I will persevere. The question on my mind now is: am I wasting my time here on a relationship that clearly will not work? I would appreciate further advice.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

It sounds as if he's scared to look within himself and face both his demons and the damage he's done.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As long as he's in contact with her, tell him there is no you and no marriage.

Have to mean it though.

He's still in contact with her per your post. 

Does he usually give you silent treatments to deflect from the problem until he's ready to talk about it? That is no way to resolve issues. 

And yes, I'd feel as if I were not a priority if my H was doing that to me during such a pivotal point in our marriage.


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## Confusedlot (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree with Numb-badger that it seems he is scared to face his demons. I made it very clear to him that as long as he continues to keep contact with ow, I will move on. This morning we talked about the issue of marriage counseling and he told me he now understands what it entails and think we should give it a try. I asked him if he has changed his mind because the last time we talked he was totally against it. The response I got was that he thinks if two parties do not agree on something there should be a compromise. IN other words he still believes we can solve our problems on our own but if I feel we need the help of a nuetral person, he would do it. I told him I believe for mc to work, both parties should be up to itand not just go there for the sake of pleasing the other party. I feel that it would be just a waste of time for me to go mc if he is not up to it. I would rather devote my time to ic and see how things go. I really do not want to waste anymore of my time with someone who is not serious with working on the marriage.


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