# Betrayal and losing friend



## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I don't know if this problem should be here or in another section as it relates to infidenlity, but also a relationship with a friend.

I previously posted a few months ago how I had found out that my husband of 30 years had been going for erotic massages (for the past year) while working out of town. That was back in Feb. We are trying to move forward from this after going to counselling and I think we are ok now, except I will never feel the same about him.

I only told two people of this betrayal in our marriage as I live in a small town and also am so embarassed of what he did.

I told my sister and my best friend ( of 45 years ). My sister is doing fine with it and everything is as it was before, but my friend won't speak to my husband unless she absolutely has to. No more visiting at our homes, talking, having dinners, boating, etc. anymore. She says she just can't deal with him anymore seeing how it hurt me, exploited the massage person, and just how disgusting an act it is. I told her to deal with it on her own time and how she feels like dealing with it.

I speak to her by phone and we go out for lunch once in awhile. I don't ever want to lose this friendship as we met when we were 11, and it's a friendship of a lifetime and too precious to lose. I do feel though that she should be trying more to include him in her life again, as we are best friends and likely always will be. We were all like family before this.

I just don't like all the snide remarks, and saying she won't be able to be around him, because I am living with him and moving forward.

She thinks I should ask him to leave.

Any suggestions?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

If she's your friend IMO she should support you in your decision whatever that maybe. It's not her place to judge the acts of your H in your marriage or the way you respond to them. 

Like working through things with your H, the best plan is likely to communicate with your friend. Tell her that she is making more difficult for you and that the best thing she can do for you as a friend is to support you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's her decision whether she wants to be around him or not. You have no say in that.

You can tell her that you aren't ok with the snide remarks or telling you to leave since you aren't going to but you appreciate her being protective of you.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You make a choice.

1. Accept the status quo. She is your friend when you are alone, but will not associate with your husband.
2. Stop seeing her. She is not a friend to your marriage. Reconciliation is very hard even when you don't have cheerleaders encouraging you to divorce.
3. Insist that she get on board the reconciliation train. If she doesn't, then you proceed to step 2.

Good luck.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I will say this-

your friend is very likely looking out for you in the best way she knows how and to her the husbands is someone who has grievously hurt you, thus someone she wishes would leave you alone

I would have a talk with her and explain to her your reasons for R, explain that you are keeping your guard up and explain what you husband is doing to help you heal


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

She doesn't owe an explaination to her friend and her friend doesn't owe her hanging out with her husband. 

Apples and oranges.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I have a co-worker who knows about my wifes affair. The other day we were at his house for his childs birthday party. My wife told me that she felt uncomfortable being there in a room with the co-worker and his wife. We suspect (reasonable to) that he told his wife.

Anyway, I just told my wife that all we can do is recover and show them that we are doing fine. I made a point of putting my arm around her while standing with her as to indicate casual affection.

The way I look at it....if they are going to judge my wife I cannot help it. But if I'm doing good with my wife, and we recover, than they should not say anything negative or mean to me or her.

I'll help her all I can by showing that we are ok.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> She doesn't owe an explaination to her friend and her friend doesn't owe her hanging out with her husband.
> 
> Apples and oranges.


she doesnt "owe" anything of course, but often miscommunication leads to situations like this, if I had a friend who came to me crying to me due to poor treatment (affairs included) and suddenly acted as if everything was okay again, of course I would show some real concern and try to protect them in some fashion. If the friend came to me and explained why they are back I would be understanding about it. 
Now if her friend still refuses to accept her position that's another story


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## Ticonderoga (Jul 21, 2011)

That is the problem when things get bumpy in a marriage with friends and family knowing. You get too many folks mucking up the situation making it worse. 

Did hubby get a rub and a tug or something more ?? How did you find out ??


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Would an apology by your husband to the friend be helpful? Rightly or wrongly, your friend is hurt by his actions. A breif apology, with you by his side, might be what your friend needs.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Ticonderoga said:


> That is the problem when things get bumpy in a marriage with friends and family knowing. You get too many folks mucking up the situation making it worse.


Yep. A friend of 45 years is also like family IMO, a very hard thing to find. Perhaps time will help solve this... She does sound like she is trying to at least still be your friend... It's only been a little while, time could possibly help heal this friendship. Allow her to see that your husband won't hurt you again like this, that he is trying to make things right and that you are happy in your life. When you love someone and care about them, as your friend seems to about you, it's very hard to see someone so hurt... If you let her see you happy and healthy and satisfied with your choice at reconciliation, she may just come around in time.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

Thanks so much for your comments. It's given me some things to think about.

To answer some of your questions -

Average guy - She won't speak to him so I don't think an apology would work right now.


Ticonderoga - He says he got a rub and tug (twice). I believe that but would not be surprised if there is more. Full nude massage by him and woman prior to "tug". I found out because he told me to look up an airline flight on our home computer and saw the appointment being made the day before (by Blackberry). Googled the girls name and there it was, all the pics and info you would want.

I think what is going on with my friend is that she says he can say or do what he wants, but men who do that kind of activity never really will stop it. Just for awhile until things seem safe and settled again. (She's talked to a counsellor about this). Also, she feels now that he is so severely flawed and has a terrible character. Her and her kids (3 grown) have always said what a great husband, and especially father and citizen my husband was. No more golfing with her sons. Now she feels she's been fooled all these years and the true colours have been shown and will always be there.

Also, she can't stand the fact that I am "taking" this. She always believed her and I were really strong women that wouldn't put up with crap, but now she sees me doing it. I think in a way, she is asking herself who I've turned into. 
I have to say, if this didn't happen in our lives, I may have thought the same way as her.

I think my approach right now is to just back off a bit, put a little more distance between us (talk on phone everyday), maybe have lunch once a month and talk once or twice a week. Maybe she will think differently over time, I hope so anyway.

She wants me to see a lawyer, so that if anything like this comes up again in the future, I can have a bit of knowledge about things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your friend has a right to her feelings. You can choose not to listen to her sentiments and if you want, you can tell her you've chosen to reconcile and that is that. 

I don't think your H owes her an apology--he owes you one, he wronged you, not your friend.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Your friend has a right to her feelings. You can choose not to listen to her sentiments and if you want, you can tell her you've chosen to reconcile and that is that.
> 
> I don't think your H owes her an apology--he owes you one, he wronged you, not your friend.


I don't disagree. But sometimes you need to apologize for your actions if they hurt someone, even if the wrong was not directed at them. His actions hurt her friendship. If he can do something to help that, he should. His apology may also provide the friend with a better understanding of why they have reconciled.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Nope sorry don't agree. He doesnt need to apologize to her friend. 

The marriage is between him and his wife. He doesn't have to say anything to the friend about it IMO.


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