# making new friends



## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Quite bluntly, I suck with friendships. Apparently, I can't tell if another person (male or female) genuinely likes spending time with me. 

Last night, I met with a "friend." I asked him how he was doing. He said, "I'm here with you aren't I?" He left to order something and came back. I pushed back the comment and caught up on some things. I later made a comment about having trouble getting to know new friends, that I don't want to spend time with people who spend time with me because of charity. He gave me a look and then changed the topic. We left on good terms but the interaction got me thinking about things.

I know I struggle making friends and that there are multiple factors. Being single now is a barrier cause some of the guys/gals I like to be around are married. Since I was not there before their marriage, it's hard to fit in. Another barrier is living in a smaller town. There just aren't enough places to make new friends my age who are single. Seems like everyone I meet is married and has lots of family around them (my family is in Florida and we are not that close even if we lived in the same town). I think I'm more "needy" than the people I've met.


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## rebuilding72 (Oct 23, 2013)

Don't be too hard on yourself! ANd try not to overthink it too much- that's when we become "needy" and I say this from experience! I worried too much about what my friends thought of me that I think I annoyed some of them. I have had to make new friends due to my divorce and my lifestyle change. Things are much different now and it is hard hanging out with your married friends  

Just be yourself! If people don't like you for you then they aren't friend worthy. We can't make everyone happy and some people will not like us just based on personality traits. And that's ok. Just be happy with yourself and the right friends will come around


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

I agree. Do not be too hard on your self and too quick to expect a deep friendship connection. Just be your self and let the friendships grow naturally.

If someone is there hanging out with you then there is a reason they are there and it might not be "charity" it may be that they are trying to get to know you and have a good time. That there is something about you that brings them to hang out.

Just hang in there and stop over thinking things. Time will show you a person's motives and feeling towards you. As for your friend's comment that felt like charity, did you consider that it might have been an answer do to the day s/he has had and not a hint at the thoughts s/he has about you as a friend.

By the way your picture caught me off guard. Not of this world....my Husband put a sticker like that on my car


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

rebuilding72 said:


> Don't be too hard on yourself! ANd try not to overthink it too much- that's when we become "needy" and I say this from experience! I worried too much about what my friends thought of me that I think I annoyed some of them. I have had to make new friends due to my divorce and my lifestyle change. Things are much different now and it is hard hanging out with your married friends
> 
> Just be yourself! If people don't like you for you then they aren't friend worthy. We can't make everyone happy and some people will not like us just based on personality traits. And that's ok. Just be happy with yourself and the right friends will come around


Those are good points. I have to keep that in mind. I am too hard on myself. And I do tend to try to make friends with people who are not "friend worthy."

thanks for the feedback,

Dennis


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> Just hang in there and stop over thinking things. Time will show you a person's motives and feeling towards you. As for your friend's comment that felt like charity, did you consider that it might have been an answer do to the day s/he has had and not a hint at the thoughts s/he has about you as a friend.
> 
> By the way your picture caught me off guard. Not of this world....my Husband put a sticker like that on my car


Thanks for the feedback. I did not think what kind of day he was having until later in the conversation. I gotta give him some slack as he is working full time and in school 3/4 time.

As far as the sticker, I love that graphic. It reminds me that this world is not our home. Heaven is where eternity takes place (leaving out quoting the Bible).

thanks,

Dennis


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> Those are good points. I have to keep that in mind. I am too hard on myself. And I do tend to try to make friends with people who are not "friend worthy."
> 
> thanks for the feedback,
> 
> Dennis



l do the same thing , l dunno how l manage it. l tend to land in places or whatever with a terrible range of whatever people there are there. Like here , l fit in with no one , well none l've met anyway. And in my immediate local road and area , there's no one , just a few country people and a couple of brothers down the road that drink like fishes and live in sheds, it's shocking. And , they like me so they turn up at the stupidest times, often drunk. l can't get rid of them and they're locals so that if l just piss them off , things will get even worse round here.

l do make friends very easily and l often click with people but l've never kept friendships , somethings always happened like they move or l move , or else it's gone bad somehow.
But l've basically had gf's or and then married my whole life to so hangin out with friends on a regular basis has never really been needed either . We had friends of ours as such , but not really mine. 
Basically , l'm screwed .
25yrs of it now and waking up single , fkg daunting , especially in this area when you come from the city.
lt's like l either live as a loner and bide time until l meet a new lady or try to somehow change a lifetime of friend patterns that never seem to change anyway and , l only have any area like this to work with .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l tend to be like the guy that can walk into any bar or group and walk out with a girl, but he can't get a wife.
l'd be the one at parties or groups of friends that has some way out fantastic night with people l've just clicked with , and l do like a good time . 
But just like he can't get a wife , l can never end up with long term friends.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> It's like l either live as a loner and bide time until l meet a new lady or try to somehow change a lifetime of friend patterns that never seem to change anyway and , l only have any area like this to work with.


Getting into a relationship does lead to "built in relationships" in terms of her family and friends becoming a part of things. Whether you like them or not!



whitehawk said:


> l tend to be like the guy that can walk into any bar or group and walk out with a girl, but he can't get a wife.


*Correction:* "I can't get a wife---_yet_!" I hope you do find a new lady. One that likes country living, but can also hang with city life. I believe that there is a match out there somewhere.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thanks Mr and good luck to you to.

Yep, l tend to think there's matches for everyone. l know there's been 2 or 3 girls , all different , over the years l probably could have married l guess other than my wife - x 

Friends yeah as a single now , strange business . lt has always been that built in relationship thing for me .


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

With our separation the house is up for sale now and hopefully l can move over to a better spot if it sells, that'll be a start.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> With our separation the house is up for sale now and hopefully l can move over to a better spot if it sells, that'll be a start.


That would probably help a lot. Have a choice of where you live, the home, the set up, etc. Free from old memories. Will help a lot. Hope that sells for you.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

yeah thanks Mr, really hoping so. Really hard decision because l wanna stay close to my d but l think we've nailed a good spot.

Anyway your thread sorry about that. How about you , any ideas in the pipe works to help change the situation.
l think they're right about that friend he did go out of his way to hang out .
l often get a bit paranoid myself, not that l'm saying you were , just sayin. But people have done some strange things over the years so l can often feel a bit wary myself.
Some people are clinger friends to but although l love a good time l also like my space so clingers get on my nerves.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Thanks MissFroggie. You said a lot here that I'm gonna chew on for a bit. I needed to hear that. I hear it loud and clear, "stop being so hard on yourself." It's okay to be where I'm at and to enjoy the process of reinventing life and connecting with new people. 

Peace,

Dennis


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

Dude. The only piece of advice that I have for you is to watch out. Be careful what you say to certain people. Think for 5 seconds if something needs to be said. 

Watch out for people, man. Keep your guard and defences up.

Don't get sucked in too easily, or too quickly.

You can't trust them. Or, to put it a different way, it takes years to trust people.

Look after #1, bro.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mrlonelyhearts said:


> And I do tend to try to make friends with people who are not "friend worthy."


Stop doing this. 

Involve yourself with people who treat you well and you can have a reciprocal friendship with. 

The comment you made about no wanting people to hang out with you because of "charity" -- what was that all about? Why do you feel he was only doing it for charity? Believe in yourself and that you are worthy of good friendships.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

"Being open and friendly" will allow others to work their ways to take advantage of him. Don't ever been fooled, or even worse, tricked into thinking that people care about you, OP. They will take advantage of you, and most likely ditch you or make you feel terrible about yourself, which will take you a lots of steps backwards.

Harsh words, I know. But brother you have to be a realist these days.

Just my 0.02 word of warning.

Good luck and God Bless.


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

I did. Before it all happened.

I am new relatively new here. I work FT. It's a strange place.

But now that I have come awake, I keep away.

This is not recommended for OP. I just want him to take care of himself, be selfish and think about himself only.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Mrlonely. Trying to make things 'feel natural' will result in it being anything but natural. Worrying about what others will think of you and possibly not accept you will not allow who you are to show through.

If a certain person doesn't have time for you or doesn't seem interested in being your friend, it's important to not take it personally. I am a single divorced father (50 / 50) of two young children, I do not always have time for even my closest of friends. Some, I don't see for a month or two at a time and the ones who a stuck around do not take that personally.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Your best chance to gaining new friends, is to be secure in who you are and know your own personal boundaries. What you are and are not okay with.

Being paranoid, watching 'what you say' and all that other 'stuff' that was advised leads to nothing but a miserable biter delusional life. Never fulfilling and always unsatisfied.


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## Mrlonelyhearts (Apr 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> The comment you made about no wanting people to hang out with you because of "charity" -- what was that all about? Why do you feel he was only doing it for charity? Believe in yourself and that you are worthy of good friendships.


1. I think that is related to fear of rejection, which is something adult adoptees deal with. Lifelong Issues in Adoption

2. Also, my adoptive mom was good about being negative about things. Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life: Susan Forward, Craig Buck: 9780553381405: Amazon.com: Books

I just got caught up in that when we met, came home, wrote about it here. I needed to meditate on that before firing off a post.


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