# Pets and your spouse



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

This is silly in the grand scheme of things, but just curious how others think of this. 

I am an animal lover. I would turn my house into a zoo if I could. 

I lived on my own for a year right before H and I started dating. I acquired two cats during that time. I never went looking for them. Both of them were sad cases that I picked up off the street and took in. They are now 8 & 9 yrs old. 

H is not an animal person. He just doesn't feel that way about pets and doesn't really understand the attraction. He's not mean to animals or anything, and he's been a very good sport about the two cats. He helps take care of them...feeds them and does the litter box and maybe once a week I catch him petting them. But if he sees me watching him be affectionate he will quickly stop and pretend it didnt happen. He still says that he prefers they weren't here. I think he sees them as a furry object and he has no emotion attached to them. 

I took a great deal of time to train them both to behave. They dont claw up the furniture or do anything else that makes them a nuisance...except for sleeping on his legs at night which he hates. 

Anyway...now that our kids are getting older I see them starting to share my love of animals. I volunteer occasionally at an animal shelter and we donate to it frequently. The kids come with me a few times a year to see the animals and see what we do. I also take them with me to pet expos and zoos and stuff just for fun. H comes to those with us but pretty much rolls his eyes at us the whole time and definitely doesnt want to touch any of the animals. We went to a reptile show recently and I was able to hold a boa constrictor and a pygmy iguana and so were the kids. They thought it was awesome. H thought we were insane. 

I wanted to take home one of the snakes but knew it wasnt a good idea bc we weren't prepared for it. 

I would really like to get another pet. We own a home and have the space for it. 

A coworker had a cat show up on his doorstep and is trying to find a home for her. It's a sad story and pulls at my heart. I told H about it and asked if we could bring her home and he was angry that I even thought about it. He didnt even give me a chance to talk about it with him, just said no way! He never wants to get any more pets and knows that we've likely got another 10+ yrs (I hope) with the two we've got. 

It kind of upset me to know that the option of ever bringing in another pet is completely off the table. At what point is it acceptable to ask the non - animal loving spouse to go outside their comfort zone? Or do you just drop it?


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

Can you guys reach a compromise? Only x amount of animals at any one time? I think it's unfair to BOTH partners if you do an all or nothing mentality. I'm an animal lover, but much more so than my husband. 

When we started dating I had two cats (who are now 11 and 13 years old), but I made sure he knew that I wanted a dog in the future. He put me off until we had a house with the space. Now I have my dog. He says the max is three pets at the moment, that are ours. Though he has graciously let me foster dogs, of which I have two at the moment. 

I think it's understandable that he has a limit, and I respect that. Maybe you and your DH can communicate and work out a compromise. 

With that said, I won't tolerate scorpions in my house, so even though DH wants one so badly, he knows that I have intense fears around them and wouldn't feel comfortable in that environment. Luckily he respects me enough to not pester me to get him a scorpion.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I tend not to date guys who have dogs.
It's a personal preference.
If they had kids and the dog/s belonged to the kids that would be different, but usually the dog ends up coming along on the date and, well, three's a crowd.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

There are "animal people" in this world. And then there are strictly-no-animal people. Many fall in-between like your husband; they will tolerate and even care for pets, but they aren't into animal rescue or working at a shelter.

For some people, animals are their passion. My cousin never has less than three dogs in his home. They shed. That shedding has blown up numerous vacuum cleaners. His partner? He is fully on board with my cousin's passion for pets.

I married a man who had the same love for animals as me. We failed on so many other levels, but on the animal "thing" we clicked.

I suggest you look at all the other areas of compatibility you have in the marriage. Because here's the deal from my perspective: after the cats die, he doesn't want anymore animals in the house.

That may be written in concrete, that may be written in sand.

Only you know.

I wouldn't live with someone who wasn't into animals, but that's me. I respect folks who don't share my opinion. Their right. I just wouldn't be living with one. JMO.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

The way I look at it is pretty simple. I don't have kids. My pets are my kids. If my boyfriend simply "tolerated" my kids, he would be the one in the dog house (ie; kicked to the curb). 

OK, maybe I'm not THAT severe, but it is important that any man in my life respect my pets and respect the fact I have them and will continue to have them.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

It's so funny because he's SOO into kids. Especially babies. If I said I wanted to open up a daycare or open our home to foster children he'd be 100% on board. (Well, except for the cost.)

He just doesn't "get" animals and why I like them so much. 

He knew the cats were a package deal when he met me, and didn't have a problem with it. I do think we will run into problems in the future when they are older and start needing medical care. He has already said he doesn't understand why people pay so much money for treatments, surgeries and medicine for their pets. While I believe I made a lifelong commitment when I brought them home and will honor that so long as I can keep them comfortable. I just figured we will cross that bridge when we come to it.

I was very interested in fostering for the animal shelter for awhile. I brought it up with H and he was against it. I finally got him to talk to me about it and he had some valid hesitations...first worry was that the animal might be sick or have fleas, etc that would be brought into the house and make our two sick. Second was that I would get too attached and wouldn't want to give them back when it was time. Which is probably true. Also our kids are young and would also get attached. 

We have a lot of other things in common...just not this. It just took me by surprise that he was so hell bent on NEVER letting another pet into the house. It made me kind of sad. Especially because the kids love them too. I am not sure it's worth causing a huge rift over...but I have a hard time truly believing he hates pets as much as he says, because with our two his actions dont match his words. He does let them lay on him, he gives them treats here and there, he takes care of them. That's a lot to do for two pets you claim you don't like.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If he is fine with your two cats I would leave it at that. Besides a lot of cats aren't okay with a new one being brought into the fold. I have had cats leave over a new cat. They can also be very jealous.

I share your love for animals. Right now I don't have cats, my two were killed a few years ago. I saw the ghost of my female. Helped me deal with not knowing if she was dead or alive.

I also had a pet bull and dogs but right now all I have is two horses.

Your kids might want a pet one of these days need to leave room for them to have one.

I also think he likes your cats more than he wants to admit.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

kag123 said:


> It just took me by surprise that he was so hell bent on NEVER letting another pet into the house. It made me kind of sad. Especially because the kids love them too.


You're not going to like what I have to say, but here it is. You may very well be "sad" regarding how your husband feels now. But you are going to come to resent him somewhere up the road. See, you want him to change his mind and come over to your side of thinking.

You love animals enough to give your time to a shelter. That is a world apart from someone like your husband. And you ARE going to want other pets when your cats die. What if one of the cats becomes diabetic (not all that unusual) and needs daily insulin shots? Will hubs be willing to foot the bill? I don't think so, based on what you are posting.





kag123 said:


> I have a hard time truly believing he hates pets as much as he says, because with our two his actions dont match his words. He does let them lay on him, he gives them treats here and there, he takes care of them. That's a lot to do for two pets you claim you don't like.


I suggest you start believing it. HATE pets? I think that's too strong a word. You said the cats were a package deal he accepted when he got together with you. That was then ... and up the road he doesn't have to accept the original package. Once your cats die, he's making it clear he doesn't want more.

Sure, he's taking care of them to some extent. He certainly doesn't sound like someone who would neglect them. But he's doing what he needs to do.

He loves his kids. He tolerates your cats. He's not a bad guy. He is just not into animals like you. Never has been, never will be.

Accept it for what it is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm a HUGE animal lover. My darling hubby likes animals too, but could live without them if he had to. I couldn't. 

He grew up with cats and fish. When he met me he had 2 turtles and a few goldfish. I had 3 dogs and 4 cats  We negotiated and discussed how we'd make it work with all my pets when we decided that I would move in with him. 

I said there are 2 things that I wouldn't compromise on 1: None of the pets were to be forced to live outside and 2: No one was being rehomed. Everything else - where they sleep i.e. upstairs/downstairs or don't go upstairs at all etc. was fine. He could make those rules and I would be fine with them.

He said ok, he wanted the dogs to live downstairs and not come upstairs into the bedrooms. Ok, no prob with me. Now, all the dogs sleep upstairs, on our bed and in with the little person, hehe  We also now have 2 bunnies  I also run a dog rescue and we occasionally have foster dogs in our home.

My husband loves me so much and wants to make me happy, so he allows me to follow my passion. He also knows that I adore and respect him and would NEVER bring home a pet of any kind without discussing it with him first...I also ask him before any foster dogs come to stay...

If you put an animal lover with a non animal lover I don't think it can work long term...your hubby's not a bad guy, I can't for the life of me understand him not loving animals, but it's who he is.

Sorry.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

Cats and dogs are wonderful. I love them so much. I hope your husband will change his mind.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

I'm a animal lover myself but dogs I love more.cats I can take or leave.the only drawback to having pets is when their time is up.I had 5 big dogs at one time .a shepherd and four golden retrievers(mother daughter son father)yes a left the parents alone once too often when she was in heat.wound up with 8 pups.sold six of them and kept two.I just had to take the daughter to the vet.kidney failure.she was the last.I don,t know about getting other pets,I don,t know about making these trips any more.4 dogs in 13 months.it drains you.maybe your husband will change his mind after awhile.my brother took my mothers car when she went in a nursing home and he don,t like animals.if he could do it maybe your husband could to just keep working on him.good luck.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You both knew the deal when you met and married. Two cats isn't a big commitment - not like training a puppy which takes a year or more. You are going to have to compromise and help animals like you have been but not take any more in. 

I do suggest you talk to him about the fact he was OK with the two cats and when the cats pass on, could you please 'replace' (sorry, no other good way to put it) with another? Since he can tolerate two cats, can he compromise to always let you have two cats and you compromise that you won't try to seek out any other pets?

That keeps the status quo and is fair to both while both make concessions.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

I love animals. We have 2 dogs and 2 cats. That's 1 dog and 1 cat more than I really wanted. But it's what we have. My wife has come to agree finally that we are at our limits. I would prefer though that we had NO animals. I love them. I do . But I value being able to go out and enjoy life without being leashed to my home for the purposed of being sure the animals have been fed and let out on schedule. We take wonderful care of our animals. Don't read in anything different. But I do miss being able to get in the car on a Saturday morning and going out for the day to enjoy myself without having to coordinate someone to come come let dogs out an d to feed them dinner, etc. When I used to go out for the day it meant leaving by 10 am and returning by at least noon the next day.

So while I absolutely love animals, we won't be getting any more.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

:iagree:


EnjoliWoman said:


> You both knew the deal when you met and married. Two cats isn't a big commitment - not like training a puppy which takes a year or more. You are going to have to compromise and help animals like you have been but not take any more in.
> 
> I do suggest you talk to him about the fact he was OK with the two cats and when the cats pass on, could you please 'replace' (sorry, no other good way to put it) with another? Since he can tolerate two cats, can he compromise to always let you have two cats and you compromise that you won't try to seek out any other pets?
> 
> That keeps the status quo and is fair to both while both make concessions.


CONCESSION....

That's a word that not too many people buy into, but things like this are precisely why concession (on both sides) is the key to the kingdom!

Enjoli is spot on! 

This is NOT a big issue, and if it is, there is more than an "animal lover/hater" thing...


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Like Enjoli said,you both knew the deal when you met and got married. 

You can't change him and he isn't going to change you. Compromise is the only way here.

When I left my ex I swore I'd never be with another man who held me back when it came to my rescue efforts and fostering. My husband knew from day one that we will ALWAYS have fluctuating numbers of pit bulls in our house at any given time til they're adopted. He also knew from day one I have a soft spot for the sickly ones who need a lot of attention and care before they're ready for a new home. 

He jumped right on board and even adopted one of our more sickly(now healthy) fosters for himself. That's how I knew I could love him forever.  

It sounds like you're going to have to minimize your animal loving to events outside the home in order to have a happy husband.


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## zackie (Aug 27, 2013)

Animals are my life, and I would never be married to someone who told me I could not have them in the house. We have had cats, dogs, snakes etc..and my H is NOT an animal person. What we've done is let H choose the animals, and I do most of the care while he pitches in. It works for the most part.


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## momto2 (Jun 12, 2013)

This was an issue with my STBXH. I had cats when I first met him. One ran away and the other I gave to my mom when we were moving (and she ended up keeping him). I love cats and told him that I wanted to adopt another one. One year when he asked what I wanted for Christmas I told him "All I want is a cat." He flat out refused for me to get a cat. Even the kids begged him for a cat. Still refused. I thought it was totally unfair because he wouldn't even discuss it. To me, it was like him saying he didn't love me enough to compromise on this one issue. 

The thing that really did it was when he bought a shotgun. I am not a big fan of guns....in fact I really hate them. He didn't even discuss it with me first. Just went out and bought one. I felt like that was a sign of disrespect. I would never consider making a purchase like that without consulting him first. Which is the reason I didn't get a cat. I thought it would be disrespectful to do something like that without both of us agreeing to it. Is he saying you can never have another cat again or he just doesn't want 3 at the same time?


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My spouse isn't an animal lover either. He doesn't hate them but is just ambivalent. Like your husband, he is also crazy about kids but that doesn't mean that his nurturing side translates to our furry friends. His siblings love animals as does his mom but his dad HATES them. When their last family dog had to be put down, that was it for him and he refuses for his wife to get another.

We haven't had a chance to get a cat or dog yet in almost a decade. First it was our first son, then it was school/careers so it would be unfair to the animal and just when life settled down again, I had another baby. I'd prefer my youngest is three or so before getting a dog or cat so I can teach them how to respect the dog or the cat and not pull ears/tails. He's rough on us as it is, I don't want to put an animal in his well-intended hands lest there be bites.

Anyway, sorry to ramble but I think you should respect your husband's wishes to not get a third cat. You can't force him to love animals, just like he can't force you to love them any less. People are who they are. The reason I'm siding with your husband is because I think he's been very fair and has already compromised on having a pet-free lifestyle by accepting the cats you already have. So I think you should be happy with what you have even though it's not all that you want and compromise by not adding a third into the mix. 

I would though - negotiate that when one or both of the cats you have now passes, you can get another and keep the number to two. That to me seems the fairest on your husband and on your cats. As others have stated, I think it could be stressful on your older cats to have a rambunctious kitten thrown into the mix. Just because they're social with each other, doesn't mean they'll accept this new rescue with open paws.


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