# Am I wrong to be unhappy with our intimacy?



## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

Deleted.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

He sounds like a selfish lover


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yes you're wrong but not in the way you think. Being a good spouse means sometimes having hard conversations. Sometimes saying what you need even if it the short term it hurts your spouse to hear it, because in the long term fixing issues is how you keep your marriage strong. He loves you he should want this to be a good thing in your life, it will help you want to do it more and I am sure he wants that as well. 

Talk to him, be nice about it but talk to him. Be prepared that he might be defensive but still try to be nice. Entreat him.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

How about when you try changing little things that you want? Put his hands some place else, you take control?

If its not workinh for you after all these years, girlfriend you are allowed to say something?

Just make sure the delivery of the message is not taken as an accusation. He is going to get defensive and act hurt. But stick to your guns and explain what you would like to see changed.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree with what others are saying. EVERYBODY changes. Your wants, needs, desires all change over time. If something is not working for you or leaving you unfulfilled, you owe it to yourself and to your H to have a frank discussion with him about it. If he refuses to change, you need to decide how much you are willing to change in your life in order to have these things. Those changes would be up to an include a divorce. But you need to honest, open and direct. Do not beat around the bush and expect him to understand what you are hinting at. Believe it or not, most people cannot read minds, so don't expect your husband to either.


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I have talked to my husband, I don't at all expect problems to fix themselves. He has no interest in doing anything different because he's not into it. He's very firm in what he likes and dislikes. He says he will do other things but won't enjoy it at all so I shouldn't want to do it.
> 
> I'm not going to divorce him... That's not an option. The options can't be deal with it forever or divorce him... Do men ever change their minds? Can I get over it and be fine with it, like I use to be? Maybe it's a phase on my part... It's probably my fault. Up until 6 months ago I had never had an orgasm. I bought a vibrator without my husband knowing and the desire to change things started after that... He told me not to, so the issue is probably my fault. It might not have started if I listened to him.


Well what exactly are you asking him to do? Like there are some things I just wouldn't do. Pegging and other people in our relationship come to mind, that's probably about it. He is selfish if he has no desire to help you get an orgasm. If so you need to say so. Assuming we are talking about the standard stuff that a husband has to do to help his wife get an orgasm then his is just wrong? 

Point blank is it oral sex? Did he ever do these things?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

You are entitled to orgasm!

Say it with me, I am entitled to orgasm. 

If your husband doesn't want to participate in that activity then stop participating in his.

Personally I'd try a we-vibe it is a vibrator meant to be used during sex.

A wedge can also help tilt your pelvis to make missionary more pleasurable.

Many women do not orgasm from standard missionary. You've given very little details so it's hard to give much suggestions. But there are a lot of small things that can increase your pleasure with making a ton of demands on him. 

Bottom line is he should want you to experience pleasure. It might not happen every time but should be happening more often than not. 

Is he aware you haven't been orgasming? Or do you fake it?

Keep in mind that men often feel threatened by toys at first and if some issues are ED he may already be feeling inadequate.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I have talked to my husband, I don't at all expect problems to fix themselves. He has no interest in doing anything different because he's not into it. He's very firm in what he likes and dislikes. He says he will do other things but won't enjoy it at all so I shouldn't want to do it.
> 
> I'm not going to divorce him... That's not an option. The options can't be deal with it forever or divorce him... Do men ever change their minds? Can I get over it and be fine with it, like I use to be? Maybe it's a phase on my part... It's probably my fault. Up until 6 months ago I had never had an orgasm. I bought a vibrator without my husband knowing and the desire to change things started after that... He told me not to, so the issue is probably my fault. It might not have started if I listened to him.


Why would he object to you having a vibrator, considering he doesn't care if you orgasm or not? He sounds like he just doesn't care what you think, but that's not to say he couldn't change. I would let him know you bought a vibrator and you'd like to add it into your daily sex routine. If he objects, then you can either explain to him that your needs matter too, or just continue to accept things as they are.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I have talked to my husband, I don't at all expect problems to fix themselves. He has no interest in doing anything different because he's not into it. He's very firm in what he likes and dislikes. He says he will do other things but won't enjoy it at all so I shouldn't want to do it.
> 
> I'm not going to divorce him... That's not an option. The options can't be deal with it forever or divorce him... Do men ever change their minds? Can I get over it and be fine with it, like I use to be? Maybe it's a phase on my part... It's probably my fault. Up until 6 months ago I had never had an orgasm. I bought a vibrator without my husband knowing and the desire to change things started after that... He told me not to, so the issue is probably my fault. It might not have started if I listened to him.


No, the issue is not your fault. You discovered that there is more to sex than being a thing used by your husband for him to get off. That's called growing as a person.

He says that you should not want him to do things because he will not enjoy it. Perhaps you can tell him that he is expecting you to have sex that you do not enjoy. You need to tell him that you NEED for him to start caring about whether or not you get anything out of the sex.

She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Maybe it's time that he knows that he needs to do things to keep you satisfied.

Is he this selfish in other things? Does he control the money?

Are you a stay at home mom/wife (SAHM) or do you have a job?


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouswife8 said:


> Our intimate life has always been kept very private between us, talking about what we do in the bedroom is very uncomfortable and seems like something you don't talk about...


It's ok that you don't want to talk about details. Maybe you could just answer yes or no to the following.

When you say that you want him to do more for you sexually, are you implying that you want him to engage in foreplay and do things that stimulate you sexually such as using his hand and/or oral sex?


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok, so you just want what is considered 'normal' sex in which you get something out of it too.

You are going to have to find a way to tell him that in order for you to want sex with him, he's going to have to do things to get you to enjoy it too and to get to orgasm.

Your husband basically expects you to get him to orgasm but refuses to do the same for you. That's not acceptable.. you should accept it. And the fact that you have accepted this for a long time does not excuse him not being willing to see that he's not the only person who is there, in bed, having sex.


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouswife8 said:


> What my parents/education/husband have told me and what I want and have read differ. I have always let my husband make the decisions and to go against what he wants or express that I want something different is hard. Growing up I was taught that masturbating is bad and shameful, sex is for the man, a requirement of the wife and that the wife won't enjoy it but does it anyway. My husband has the same opinion... And some more specific things.


The above is what was taught to women in the past. It's a means to control women. Remove sexual pleasure from a woman's experience and she will not want sex, so it can decrease women cheating. The problem with it is that it often increases the incidence of men cheating because not having an engaged sexual partner can be a soul killer for a man too.

How old are you and your husband? This just seems like the kind of thing that my grandparents were taught. I'm 69 so that's some time ago.



anonymouswife8 said:


> How do I change that opinion? He had a different sex life with his ex-wife and she cheated on him, which he blames on doing "other" things that he won't do with me.


The fact is that a mind numbingly bad sex life is far more likely to lead to infidelity than the other way around. Basically he does not want you to enjoy sex so that he can control you. It's basically a form of emotional abuse if this is what he's up to.

I find what you describe as a horrible (horrifying) sex life. To have to submit to have sex 2 times a day and not be allowed (yes he does not allow you) to get any pleasure out of it is. If I felt that I had to submit to something like this, I would be long gone.

And keep in mind that I'm a woman who loves the idea of sex at least daily, but it has to be sex that I'm part of, not just being used for.



anonymouswife8 said:


> I probably waited too long to deal with it. How do I change something that has been this way for 14 years? He orgasms about half the time now, and if he can't then I shouldn't...


You might want to go to a counselor who is a sex therapist. They have things that can help.

I'm not surprised that he's cannot orgasm much of the time. He's probably bored to death with the sex that he insists on.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

You're definitely not wrong, he is. It is a husband's responsibility (and I mean responsibility) to not leave his wife frustrated. Frankly, he should be willing to do whatever it takes. Its pretty shocking what you are experiencing even if normal to you.


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I'm 32. I was taught that by my grandparents and "sex ed" in school, which was abstinence based (and taught abstinence from my parents). Maybe it's right... I'd never cheat on my husband, but since I started being able to orgasm I have been thinking about other men and what they'd be like... That's horrifying to me and not something I ever want my husband to know. It was never a thought or desire before. I still would never cheat but now the curiosity is there. I don't want him to cheat.


No, experiencing orgasms does not drive women to want to cheat. Since most women do orgasm, and most women are not sex craved and out cheating, clearly women having orgasms does not drive them to infidelity. 

If you are having thought of other men, it’s up to you to keep it as no more than thoughts. It’s completely doable.


anonymouswife8 said:


> Should I be doing something different so he doesn't cheat? I try to be as into it as I can as I know that is important to him. I don't want him to think of me as "mind numbingly bad" and go elsewhere for sex.


I did not say that YOU are "mind numbingly bad". My point is that he is insisting that the sex that the two of you have be "mind numbingly bad". This is apparently because he thinks that this will keep you under control. However, if he's having trouble finishing often now, it's clearly not working for him either. It's NOT YOU. It's his choices about sex that are the problem.



anonymouswife8 said:


> My husband was raised Muslim but does not practise any faith. I was raised Christian and even though I do not believe in any religion (nor does my husband) some of the things are hard to erase.


Islam does not teach that sex women should not enjoy sex. That's a cultural thing, just like some Christians did teach the same thing, but it's not real Christian doctrine.

What is your husband's country of origin (or if he was born in the country where you live), what is his family's country of origin?



anonymouswife8 said:


> I don't think he is trying to control me or emotionally abuse me. It's possible that I'm describing the situation too vaguely, and it's also possible that I just can't see it. What would control the sex do for him? I can't see what purpose it would serve. If he was an abusive or controlling person he'd be that way all the time not just during sex, wouldn't he?


I think you mentioned the purpose that controlling sex serves for him. From what he said, he thinks it will keep you from cheating. It might be the only area of his life that he feels needs controlling at that level.



anonymouswife8 said:


> Am I the reason that he can't orgasm half the time? I'm too boring? Sometimes he says it's due to age and sometimes he passive aggressively blames it on me. It could be a combination of both. He's 46.


Again, no YOU are not the problem. His inability to orgasm could stem from a few things... 1) how old is he? It could be age related, 2) he now have low testosterone levels, 3) there could be other medical issues, 4) it could be that the sex that he choses to have with you is not doing it for him. None of those things have anything to do with you... it's on him.



anonymouswife8 said:


> What does a sex therapist do? It's not something that I have ever heard of before. My husband does not share any part of our sex life with anyone and doesn't want me to either, so talking about it with a therapist would likely never happen. This shouldn't even be happening...


Well, you cannot fix something if you cannot name it, explore it and talk about it. Most adults have sex. It's not like it's some big secret. I get your idea of privacy, but it's out there to be looked at

https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/what-does-sex-therapist-do

You could go to a sex therapist on your own. They have ideas and things that they can teach you. For example a sex therapist might have ideas of how you can get him to open up about sex with you. They might know what works to wake a guy like him up and get him to realize that you too should get some pleasure out of sex. They have things that they can teach you about that would help you open up this part of your relationship.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP
I think it is reasonable for everyone to want a happy sex life with the person that they love. Couples are rarely perfectly matched in what they enjoy, but I think that in good relationships each tries to please the other. Maybe not every time, or always at the same time, but a good sex life should feel balanced, where both are getting what they like 

Also many people actively enjoy pleasing their partners, and many would feel like failures if they were not able to find a way to do that. Honestly I'd much rather not physically enjoy sex myself than to think that I was a terrible lover and unable to please my partner.


Unfortunately there are sexually selfish people, and with time they can become more selfish. Its not an easy thing to fix because if someone doesn't *care* about their partners happiness, they can always find an excuse. It always easy to say "no" to everything except the things that someone personally enjoys. 

I'm sorry you are in this situation. He is wrong in many ways, but in particular if you have a happy sex life with him I think you are far less likely to cheat than if you have a bad sex life.


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## Warrior73 (Jun 25, 2017)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I feel like... He expects sex. It's like paying the bills, it always happens at a certain time whether we want to or not. In this case it's morning and night every day. He doesn't work up to it, or even touch or kiss me. Its just expected. If I'm sleeping he starts while I'm asleep. Unless he's going back to sleep, after sex he gets up and leaves even when I ask him to stay. It's partly my fault, or mostly my fault, for allowing it to be this way for so long. He's the only man I've been with.
> 
> Our intimate life has always been kept very private between us, talking about what we do in the bedroom is very uncomfortable and seems like something you don't talk about... I didn't know what pegging was until I just googled it and we don't want other people... We're married.
> 
> He knows that I wasn't orgasming. He doesn't know that I have with a vibrator. He doesn't want me to because he doesn't want it to take away from our sex or make me want someone else. Which is fair, since I bought the vibrator and have been able to orgasm I've wondered what sex would be like with attractive men that I see in public. Which is horrifying... It feels almost like an addiction... I should have listened to him and not bought it. I use it a few times a day and have very strong urges to use it...


I'm going to be blunt here...based on your description your husband sounds like a self-absorbed jackass who does not care about your feelings whatsoever! I'm not sure why you are still married to him. From the sound of it, your 2 choices are divorce or deal with it. It is highly unlikely that he will change.


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

Why do you not just change the routine yourself instead of waiting for him to do so? There is a whole host of things you can change without necessarily waiting for him. You can change what you actually do, just start doing a different thing. Tell him directly what he should do now. Lead out and be in charge of the process. Tell him there and then what you fancy, 
"Not that yet, do this first, i like it. It puts me in the mood." Then afterwards you tell him how good it was that he did this or that. Give rewards when he is compliant. 

I used to be very passive till my husband became unhappy with me and said he wanted me to lead out and use my imagination and if I did not want to do that then there was no point him taking part. I was uncomfortable with that at first but now it is not at all a problem. There was a time when we had assigned days in the week and what we did and how we did it in my days was up to me. On his days it was up to him. Now we talk freely and is much better. 18 years.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The reason you fantasize about other men is because your H is a dud who doesn't care about your feelings or your pleasure and is only concerned with using your body to masturbate with. 

The reason he doesn't want you to masturbate or experience any kind of sexual pleasure is because he knows he is a dud and knows if you get a taste of what else is out there that you will leave for someone else and he won't have your body to masturbate with anymore.


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I don't like the sound of "using my body to masturbate"...


You shouldn't like the sound of that.

But that is what is happening here.


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## A_Common_Man (Jun 21, 2018)

It sounds like what you husband is doing to you is selfish and sinful. I am a Christian man and love the LORD and I hope to go to the Paradise of God when I die at the end of my life. I like to give my wife pleasure and climax in the privacy of our marriage bed. This is one of the reasons God created sex (see the book of Proverbs chapter 5 verses 17 to 19).

Do not worry that you are tempted to have sexual relations with other men. Just do not entertain those thoughts if they come into your mind and pray to be delivered from such thoughts. Temptations to be sexual with other women come to me almost daily but I never give in to them. If I am attracted to other women I just try to stay away from them and never be alone with them. Pray to your Heavenly Father for help on this subject. Pray that your husband will turn from his sin and desire to fulfill his duties as a husband to you.

I hope and wish the best for you dear woman.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What you can do is have a serious conversation with your husband. Not in the bedroom. Tell him that since you have aged and given birth to 5 children that your body doesn't respond the way it used to. You would like to change the boring routine (how about skipping a morning once in a while) to ensure you don't become immune to his desire and start to feel repulsed by his touch. The fact that he doesn't orgasm as often should be a wake-up call for him, too. And, no, that isn't your fault. You are trying to preserve the marriage.

You are in fact, nothing more than a masturbatory tool for him. Of course, he doesn't want to change - he's getting his and to hell with you. You two don't have a sex life and you most certainly don't have intimacy.


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## MichelleThoughts (Jun 24, 2018)

anonymouswife8 said:


> I feel like... He expects sex. It's like paying the bills, it always happens at a certain time whether we want to or not. In this case it's morning and night every day. He doesn't work up to it, or even touch or kiss me. Its just expected. If I'm sleeping he starts while I'm asleep. Unless he's going back to sleep, after sex he gets up and leaves even when I ask him to stay. It's partly my fault, or mostly my fault, for allowing it to be this way for so long. He's the only man I've been with.
> 
> Our intimate life has always been kept very private between us, talking about what we do in the bedroom is very uncomfortable and seems like something you don't talk about... I didn't know what pegging was until I just googled it and we don't want other people... We're married.
> 
> He knows that I wasn't orgasming. He doesn't know that I have with a vibrator. He doesn't want me to because he doesn't want it to take away from our sex or make me want someone else. Which is fair, since I bought the vibrator and have been able to orgasm I've wondered what sex would be like with attractive men that I see in public. Which is horrifying... It feels almost like an addiction... I should have listened to him and not bought it. I use it a few times a day and have very strong urges to use it...



Reading this is like, absolutely wild to me. I started having orgasms on my own when I was really young so I can't imagine what you must be going through. I think we definitely SHOULD enjoy sex, and I think it is possible for you to start enjoying sex with your husband. I think that my own marriage has had its slew of problems for sure, but the sex has been like the glue that has kept us going strong throughout it all. 

I don't think you should feel guilty at all for what you're experiencing. You just need to connect the wonderful feelings of finally having an orgasm to your encounters WITH HIM. I definitely think this is something you need to work on together. 

With you being so silent on this for so many years, I could see it as being a shock to him, so of course I'd be careful about it. But it sounds like it's been entirely for his pleasure and none for you. I can't imagine living that way, seriously. I'm sure he doesn't think he's done anything wrong, and you've probably never made it seem that way either. But he really should want you to be satisfied too. You have obviously been more than giving to him all these years. 

Men carry a lot of pride in their ability to keep their wives satisfied so I could see why he might get defensive. Also, I don't want to get too into detail, but you might be able to learn other ways to orgasm that don't involve actual toys. It can definitely a bit of a learning curve. Myself, it took me quite a while actually to feel comfortable having an orgasm with a man, after I had learned specific ways to do it on my own firs


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

At 46 it is possible his body is slowing down. My hubby at 49 some times had trouble with 2/day everyday. It just is age.

Do you give him oral? Just wondering since it seems all he needs from you is a vagina since you don't even have to be awake.

But as you try to change things if he sees that the changes can be good. He might be more on board.

When you say he can get rough with his refusal what do you mean?

When not having sex and away from the kids have you tried something like

Husband I love you. I want everyday of our lives together to be full and rich. I deserve sexual pleasure as do you. Tonight will you kiss me before we make love?

Lead into this slowly. But I agree with the comment use praise and sexuality to reward steps in the right direction.

If he uses some foreplay (small steps your complete pleasure will take awhile.) then afterwards thank him for his care and attention.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Well OP, you have pretty much shot down all the advise you have been given. So I guess your only option is to just deal with it. Since you won't divorce him, he has no incentive to change. He has no intention of changing otherwise. So just deal with it and stop wasting people's time.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Wow.

Bad sex every single day is a pretty bad situation. Almost intolerable.

In fact should not be tolerated.

Unless you are significantly exaggerating his indifference, then he is selfish. Sorry but true.

He needs to get his act together big time and you need to get your head out of the archaic and unbiblical
View of sex and marital intimacy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anonymouswife8 said:


> Do thoughts about men ever stop? Am I in the wrong to be having them? It feels like I am cheating on my husband in my head whenever I see an attractive man.


Very often we cannot control things that pop into our heads. But as humans we have the capability to stop those thoughts. How? Every time you have such a thought, redirect your thoughts to something else. I use redirecting to something that makes me feel good, like walking in the sun on a beach. It’s works well.

You are not cheating on your husband. You have simply experienced some thing new that is powerful for humans, sex that you enjoy. What sex is supposed to be like. Now you need to learn to handle it. You can do that.


anonymouswife8 said:


> If the sex isn't working for him either wouldn't it be easier for him to try and fix it rather than blame me or age (he's 46) .


Human motivation is a very strange thing indeed. His fear of you cheating might be stronger than his desire to have a sex life that works for him. Or maybe he just does no even know that the problem is. Very often we humans know that something in our life is not working. But we don’t know why and thus cannot figure out how to fix it. Many people just get stuck. That’s why talking to someone about it who has some new idea can help.
Have you ever tired doing new things for him?


anonymouswife8 said:


> My husband has family mostly in Sudan. He moved here as a child. most of his family has disowned him for his life choices.


This is not surprising. When I was a child, I lived in Ethiopia, which is next to the Sudan.
In that part of the world, many used to practice Female Genital Mutilation (FGM). The purpose of FGM is to take away a woman’s ability to enjoy sex as they believe is that if a woman cannot enjoy sex, she will not cheat. It’s a way to control the sexual behavior of woman. FGM actually makes sex painful for most woman so they avoid it.
When I lived in Ethiopia, even though I was a child, the women would talk around me. Some of the women had FGM. Some of them did not. I remember one of them, who did not have FGM, used to talk about what her husband had done to her when he traveled. He would have some woman in the tribe sew up her vagina so that she could not cheat when he was gone. Then when he returned, he would have the stiches removed so he could have sex with her. She was in horrible pain and probably had infections form this barbaric custom, but her husband did not care. It was all about him. To this day, I get sick to my stomach when I think about it.
Today there are organizations working in those areas of the globe to stop FGM. The use of it has decreased but not stopped.


anonymouswife8 said:


> So he refuses to allow me pleasure so that I will dislike sex and won't have any desire to cheat on him. It worked, I guess. I never had a thought about other men until I discovered pleasure. I would never cheat on him. It doesn't seem fair that he can take a good sex life away from us.


It’s not fair that he does this. He probably does not realize what he’d doing as it might be what he was taught growing up -- a woman must no enjoy sex. And his ex-wife’s poor character helped to solidify this. 




anonymouswife8 said:


> After 14 years shouldn't he trust that I won't cheat on him? His ex-wife cheated on him the first year that they were married. For a long time he has thought that I am attracted to other (younger) men, even when I wasn't. He doesn't talk about his feelings often but I do know that he wonders if I'd rather be with a younger man. I only want my husband. I'm not allowed to have male friends, but he has many female friends so that is hypocritical. I haven't done anything to deserve that... He often says how lucky I am to have him and how bad other men are these days. He should trust that I'll be faithful to him.


He has a lot of female friends? That’s not a good sign. You are right that he is hypocritical. What does he do with these female friends? 

Does your husband socialize a lot without you? 

What sort of things do you and your husband do together, just the two of you? How often do you do these things?

How often do you and your husband socialize with other people, together?


anonymouswife8 said:


> I may talk to him about seeing a sex therapist. I think I already know the answer (that our private life isn't to be shared with anyone else) but I may bring it up anyway. I wouldn't go behind his back and do it alone if he told me not to, that's not right.


It’s also not right for him to deny you a chance to talk to someone to get some help that you need. If he refuses to go to a sex therapist, perhaps tell him that you want to go on your own. Just be open about it. Most sex therapists are also counselors. So, you could just go to her (it should be a woman in your case) as a normal therapist.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jorgegene said:


> Wow.
> 
> Bad sex every single day is a pretty bad situation. Almost intolerable.
> 
> ...


The only thing worse than bad sex every single day is bad sex twice a day every single day.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

So what would he do if you told him "no" tomorrow morning when he wakes you up?


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> If I refuse sex it will happen anyway.


So he rapes you. 

OP, I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. I am not sure what religious texts he reads, but Song of Solomon makes it pretty clear that sex should be pleasurable and passionate for BOTH.

I don't have a magic solution. But I am so sorry you go through this. Does he know you use the vibrator? I do not think there is anything wrong with it at all, and you don't have to answer.

I wonder if he would be open to observing you? Perhaps it would flip an arousal switch in his if he SAW you taking pleasure? I'm reaching here, but it hasn't been mentioned so I thought I would toss it out there.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

This man is sexually abusive to you.

If he can afford a cottage, he can afford a babysitter for date nights with you once a week.

If he can't "finish", he don't need sex twice a day.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If you can't establish the basic YES versus NO in regards to sex then there is no point in going further. I think you should start there.

If you don't feel like it, say no. If he forces, scream no. I think if you scream at him he will stop at least to not scare the children. Is that correct?

If you can establish no means no, that's a start. Further, it might make him appreciate it more when you say "yes". 

I'm presuming he loves you and won't beat you...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP I would not tell him about the vibrator. I think he would punish you. You are definitely in a sexually abusive relationship. If you can't say no then how are you to change anything? 

I can't imagine exactly how to make this better. I mean divorce which you said is not on the table. Are you in the US now?


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## anonymouswife8 (Jun 30, 2018)

He doesn't rape me.


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