# Dealing with depression, and another boyfriend .



## drowninginice (Sep 23, 2017)

So let me just say right off the bat I have depression, I was with my wife for 10 years and we are both 33. Depression was I wouldn't say bad, but it did effect our marriage for the last two years. I have been going to counseling for it and felt like I was improving, I also lost 35 pounds, and have reached my weight loss goal and a healthy body mass index. We have two kids 7, 5. 

Hell happened two months ago. My wife got her own apartment and told me she wanted a divorce. For the next following weeks she would sometimes call me on the phone telling me she misses me, would sometimes come over so we could talk. She has the kids a lot of the nights as well. 

Something wasn't right, as I dug and dug, it came out my wife was flirting with her new boss who has recently gotten a divorce. Okay so I confronted her with the information I had received and it was confirmed that she has been dating him since she left, although probably a little before. She told me she hated me out of nowhere and that I ruined her life. The guy has gotten divorced twice and he's 7 years older than us both. 

I have read books, on affairs, no more mr nice guy and I am trying to work on myself. I feel like I've spiraled back into depression and it's a horrible feeling. Her mom, friends, sister don't condone what she's doing and all think she's lost and will come back once her head clears up. 

Some advice would be greatly appreciated, any type is welcome thank you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File for divorce first thing Monday morning.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Depression is curable, it is.

Just fill in the hole. The hole in your heart and in your life.

I hate to say this, but it is true. Your depression caused her to get a ladder.

To climb out the hole that you were in and she was obligated to share with you.

What she did is unforgivable. She gave up....on the "in sickness, part" of your marriage vows.

She cheated first then asked for a separation and a divorce. No moral excuse for her.

Get on some medication. Tailored for your depression.

Do maximum amounts of aerobic exercises, run, bike, swim. This works.


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## drowninginice (Sep 23, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Depression is curable, it is.
> 
> Just fill in the hole. The hole in your heart and in your life.
> 
> ...


Yeah I have been trying. Call me naive but I think marriages can come back from infidelity possibility. I would like her to come back but now I can't torture myself. Everyone is saying that she's lost. I will look into anti depressants.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Marriages can come back from infidelity, but the odds are not good. Ironically, it's more likely when the betrayed spouse moves on with his life and distances himself from his cheating wife. The guy who begs his wife to come back or keeps calling and confessing is undying love is the one who usually ends losing his cheating wife for good. Doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is. 

If anything, you should show her what life is like without you. Granted, she's in an apartment, so she has a taste of that. But you should not be a part of her life. You should not be talking with her (except business about the kids). There should be no friendly banter or "how are you doing?" kind of talk. Contact should be brief and polite. You shouldn't be fixing anything in her apartment, or bringing her carryout food, or doing her any favors whatsoever. If she asks for these things, tell her these are the things a husband does, and you're not her husband anymore. Let her boss take care of these things. Show her that you're an independent confident man (yes, you might have to fake it), capable of living a happy life without her. Start dressing better and going out more--maybe just to walk around the mall alone. If she asks where you're going or who you're hanging around with, just be cagey and tell her it's some "friends" that she doesn't know. Politely remind her that it's really none of her business anyway. 

Speaking of her boss, does her employer know that a manager in her company is dating a subordinate? Companies frown on this. You might want to inform HR. And do we know for a fact that this guy is really divorced? Sometimes the affair partner will spin a story to get laid, because he knows most women won't date a married man. The other possibility is that your wife knows he's not divorced, but is telling you this so that you don't inform his wife. You should do some digging on your own and inform all interested parties. This will help stop the affair.


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Run, run as if your life depended on it. You have an out. Please be thankful and take it. This will destroy you if you let it.

Lost? Possibly. Are you willing to sacrifice yourself to find out if she can find her way?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

drowninginice said:


> Yeah I have been trying. Call me naive but I think marriages can come back from infidelity possibility. I would like her to come back but now I can't torture myself. Everyone is saying that she's lost. I will look into anti depressants.


I am very observant and inquisitive.

You would not believe the number of people on ant-depressants. Estimates put the number at ~14% of the U.S. population. Factoring out young children, you have a lot of adults using them.


That said, hopefully you only have to take them for a short period of time. And require a low dosage.

This is not something to be ashamed of. Our body is an electro-chemical factory. So many things and systems can get out of balance.

Give the pills enough time to make sure that they work and with the fewest side effects. Dosing is key. As mentioned, hopefully the dosage is low.

Our bodies are mainly, water and carbon. 

Most of our ills will one day be cured.

Good luck, my friend.:smile2:


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

drowninginice said:


> Yeah I have been trying. Call me naive but I think marriages can come back from infidelity possibility. I would like her to come back but now I can't torture myself. Everyone is saying that she's lost. I will look into anti depressants.


No that is not what marriage is about. Marriage is about partnership, respect, working with one another to build a strong union.

You have depression, it's not up to you to make yourself better for everyone else. It's up to you to manage your condition, find the best ways to cope and for the people around you who love and support you to help whenever help is needed.

Your wife says she hates you, is cheating on you, moved out. That is not a marriage or even coming close to working on any issues.

But you are a man and thus your choices are yours alone to make.

Good luck.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She has moved on, file and you move on too. Don't listen to words. Actions speak louder than words in your case.

Sorry, but your relationship is indeed a casualty of infidelity. It's over. The sooner you realize it, the sooner your healing process needs to begin.


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## drowninginice (Sep 23, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> Marriages can come back from infidelity, but the odds are not good. Ironically, it's more likely when the betrayed spouse moves on with his life and distances himself from his cheating wife. The guy who begs his wife to come back or keeps calling and confessing is undying love is the one who usually ends losing his cheating wife for good. Doesn't make sense, but that's the way it is.
> 
> If anything, you should show her what life is like without you. Granted, she's in an apartment, so she has a taste of that. But you should not be a part of her life. You should not be talking with her (except business about the kids). There should be no friendly banter or "how are you doing?" kind of talk. Contact should be brief and polite. You shouldn't be fixing anything in her apartment, or bringing her carryout food, or doing her any favors whatsoever. If she asks for these things, tell her these are the things a husband does, and you're not her husband anymore. Let her boss take care of these things. Show her that you're an independent confident man (yes, you might have to fake it), capable of living a happy life without her. Start dressing better and going out more--maybe just to walk around the mall alone. If she asks where you're going or who you're hanging around with, just be cagey and tell her it's some "friends" that she doesn't know. Politely remind her that it's really none of her business anyway.
> 
> Speaking of her boss, does her employer know that a manager in her company is dating a subordinate? Companies frown on this. You might want to inform HR. And do we know for a fact that this guy is really divorced? Sometimes the affair partner will spin a story to get laid, because he knows most women won't date a married man. The other possibility is that your wife knows he's not divorced, but is telling you this so that you don't inform his wife. You should do some digging on your own and inform all interested parties. This will help stop the affair.


I did beg but have stopped that and am trying to work on myself. I forgot to mention that the guy she is seeing is the owner of the business, so he can do pretty much anything.

I have dug and found out that he was indeed married before, although his Facebook suggests he is divorced and even says that on the profile. No pictures with another woman.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Unfortunately your wife has traded up. The owner most likely wooed her and she gave in to it. She was dating him for sometime before she moved out. You have a walk away wife. She has replaced you with someone she sees as "better".

Don't beg. Tell her that you want her to be happy and you are letting her go - then file divorce papers. She may wake up or she may not, but you have to move on as if she is lost to you. She killed the marriage now you should grieve the loss and put it behind you.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Just file. Don't wish her happiness. Why would you? Did she wish you happiness lying to you? Moving out and forcing you to question yourself with her lies? Forcing you to dig for the truth by being dishonest with you? Stabbing you in the back, breaking up the family? Teaching your kids its ok to lie to their father? If you think you can nice her back forget it. She separated from you and choose him. She was simply too much of a coward and a lying cheating slvt to let you know first. She has been detached far longer than you know.

Now why would you want her back? She gave herself willingly to him. Good money says she had sex with him and you at the same time and never bothered to tell you. Go get a STD test. You have no idea what she has been up to. 

File for divorce and if its not about the welfare of the children there is nothing for you to talk about. Don't be her emotional tampon. Fight for as much time to be with your children as circumstances and the law allows. If she makes more money than you fight for alimony too. Fark her. The sooner you realize she is truly your enemy the sooner you will see her by her actions who she has truly become. Then the quicker you will put her cheating heart behind you and move on.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The woman you once knew is dead and gone. She loved you. She would never cheat on you. You were her future. You were all she ever wanted. That person, as you now know, no longer exists. It's hard to wrap your head around because she so closely resembles your wife. But to get better, you have to accept it and move forward as if she were really dead.

You are not so helpless as she's made you feel. You can find another woman also. 
Do it. And when you no longer have feelings for the person who was once your wife, you'll thank the people who begged you to forget her.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)




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## drowninginice (Sep 23, 2017)

This is all stuff I'm having an extremely hard times coming to terms with... Why would she call me and tell me she missed me? This is all just **** and life ruining.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drowninginice said:


> This is all stuff I'm having an extremely hard times coming to terms with... *Why would she call me and tell me she missed me?* This is all just **** and life ruining.


To keep you on the hook as a solid Plan B.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drowninginice said:


> Yeah I have been trying. Call me naive but I think marriages can come back from infidelity possibility. I would like her to come back but now I can't torture myself. Everyone is saying that she's lost. I will look into anti depressants.


You’re naive.

And you don’t need anti-depressants — you need a divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

drowninginice said:


> I did beg but have stopped that and am trying to work on myself. I forgot to mention that the guy she is seeing is the owner of the business, so he can do pretty much anything.
> 
> I have dug and found out that he was indeed married before, although his Facebook suggests he is divorced and even says that on the profile. No pictures with another woman.


Well!

Her? Eye candy for the dumpy boss.

Stale, dry, old white chocolate for a man of your younger standing.

She gets an older man who is out of shape, apparently cannot get a decent single women; must steal another man's older model Ford Edsel. She breaks down when going up-hill, against traffic.

He got a cheater...oh! she did too.

I wonder why he has been married a couple of times before? She will find out soon.

As others have said, you got the better deal. You got freedom. She got a slow death sentence.

Their arrangement will slowly unravel. She sold her marriage for 7 pieces of silver.

Now, fix up yourself, get out of the doldrums. :grin2:


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I know depression is real and it takes some time for anti-depressants to work. My own nephew was significantly depressed when his wife quit him. He started taking anti-depressants that didn't immediately work. His doctor told him it would take several weeks, however in the interim, he started dating another chick, the meds immediately kicked in and his depression went away.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

drowninginice said:


> This is all stuff I'm having an extremely hard times coming to terms with... Why would she call me and tell me she missed me? This is all just **** and life ruining.


She can not miss you all that much if she is still seeing Mr Boss. She can not miss you much if she is still working for him. 

She just wants to keep you under her thumb until she has something set with him. Then she will drop you with no regrets.

Don't try to figure out why she does what she does. You can not apply logical reason to a foggy cheating liar.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> I know depression is real and it takes some time for anti-depressants to work. My own nephew was significantly depressed when his wife quit him. He started taking anti-depressants that didn't immediately work. His doctor told him it would take several weeks, however in the interim, he started dating another chick, the meds immediately kicked in and his depression went away.


:lol: :rofl:

Funny how that happens.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> I know depression is real and it takes some time for anti-depressants to work. My own nephew was significantly depressed when his wife quit him. He started taking anti-depressants that didn't immediately work. His doctor told him it would take several weeks, however in the interim, he started dating another chick, the meds immediately kicked in and his depression went away.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

drowninginice said:


> I did beg but have stopped that and am trying to work on myself. I forgot to mention that the guy she is seeing is the owner of the business, so he can do pretty much anything.
> 
> 
> 
> I have dug and found out that he was indeed married before, although his Facebook suggests he is divorced and even says that on the profile. No pictures with another woman.



I got married when I was 22. God was she beautiful and we had a good life but I was honestly too young and wish I had waited until I was around your age 33. We should have ended our marriage after 6 years but we tried so many things to hold it together. And by doing that we wasted several years miserable when those years could have been happy years with someone else. It sounds like from your posts that your wife has put the blame on you for her affair. DO Not fall for here excuses. Be an adult, hire an attorney file for divorce in some states adultry is a crime. Name her partner in your divorce claim and if possible sue him for pain and suffering. Get even, get divorced, start a new life
TAKE BACK YOUR PRIDE!


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

She's 'dating' her boss?

Don't minimize what she's doing. Dating sounds so innocent. She's cheating with him. She's an adulterer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sounds strange that she's banging her biss and telling you she misses you?

Well I assure you it's not that uncommon. My ex wife has married a rich guy and still texts me constantly, apparently thinking we are friends. She obviously misses me.
Does she want me back? Hell no.
She's getting every other need message by him. 

She may miss you a little in her warped mind.

The smart money is that she wants you as plan b (you've been told multiple times) AND wants the ego boost and weird high she gets from knowing someone is sitting around pining for her.

Geez, I know I'd like to know all my ex's were sitting around pining for me, praying I'd show up one day. I'd feel like I was quite a catch....

So are you going to be that guy for her that she has pining for her while she "dates" another dude?

Don't tell her anything. Steal her joy she gets from watching you suffer by ignoring her and moving on.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sounds strange that she's banging her biss and telling you she misses you?


Gus diagnosed the cause in post 16. The girl knows how to maintain a soft place to land until her feet are solid on another island.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Gus diagnosed the cause in post 16. The girl knows how to maintain a soft place to land until her feet are solid on another island.


Indeed. Op isn't hearing it though. He wants to hear "yeah, she misses you. All you have to do is x,y,z and she'll be eating out of your hand".

If only it were that easy.

It is easy peasy to find ANOTHER woman to give one what they need.
That's my suggestion. Women are easy to find. We have a large population of them in the USA.
I hear other places as well.
No need to hang on to a defective model with engine trouble, looking for some fix in a bottle to try to fix a broken crankshaft.
Go get another, OP.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)




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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You need to harden up and do a complete 180 on her. File for Divorce ASAP. Request custody of any children. Go dark on her. Make her realise that she has made her choice and there are now consequences for her foul choices. 

She has traded up in her eyes and you are coming across as very weak. Weak is not attractive to any partner. It is very possible that her boss will eventually grow tired of her and give her the arse which will most likely mean she will come crawling back to you. What you do is up to you. Most here would likely recommend you don't take her back. Solid advice. 

Unfortunately i would lay good money that she was seeing the Boss way before she moved out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> You need to harden up and do a complete 180 on her. File for Divorce ASAP. Request custody of any children. Go dark on her. Make her realise that she has made her choice and there are now consequences for her foul choices.
> 
> She has traded up in her eyes and you are coming across as very weak. Weak is not attractive to any partner. It is very possible that her boss will eventually grow tired of her and give her the arse which will most likely mean she will come crawling back to you. What you do is up to you. Most here would likely recommend you don't take her back. Solid advice.
> 
> *Unfortunately i would lay good money that she was seeing the Boss way before she moved out*.


What a conspiracy theorist! Of course she wasn't seeing the boss before she moved out! That would be wrong.. 🙄 Or maybe she did.... likely only a 99.99999999999% chance.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

VladDracul said:


>





I don't remember the posters name who coined this phrase...... But is that floozyBgone??!!!!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I don't remember the posters name who coined this phrase...... But is that floozyBgone??!!!!


 @bandit.45 will remember. He was the CWI poster who supposedly got killed on the job after posting here for a year or so. He was a funny dude.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> @bandit.45 will remember. He was the CWI poster who supposedly got killed on the job after posting here for a year or so. He was a funny dude.


It was lascarx.....

Reading that post is still the hardest I ever laughed on these threads....

D&mn was he funny.....

And yeah.....he was killed in a work accident if I remember right.....that really sucked.....he was a good guy.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> @bandit.45 will remember. He was the CWI poster who supposedly got killed on the job after posting here for a year or so. He was a funny dude.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

drifting on said:


> I don't remember the posters name who coined this phrase...... But is that floozyBgone??!!!!





farsidejunky said:


> @bandit.45 will remember. He was the CWI poster who supposedly got killed on the job after posting here for a year or so. He was a funny dude.


Might have been @lascarx.

Think he was an EMT ...?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think I was misunderstood. Bandit is not the one I was referencing. It was Lascarx. I thought I remembered that Bandit knew him well back then. 

Thanks for that, Gus and Dyo.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

stop the pick me dance.

file for D.


and expose and expose.


Expose the boss to the press.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

It was Lascarx. His WW had posted on SI that he had been involved in a work accident and was in critical condition. Then she disappeared. We don't know what happened to him.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Might have been @lascarx.
> 
> Think he was an EMT ...?


No he was a highway worker.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

drowninginice said:


> So let me just say right off the bat I have depression, I was with my wife for 10 years and we are both 33. Depression was I wouldn't say bad, but it did effect our marriage for the last two years. I have been going to counseling for it and felt like I was improving, I also lost 35 pounds, and have reached my weight loss goal and a healthy body mass index. We have two kids 7, 5.
> 
> Hell happened two months ago. My wife got her own apartment and told me she wanted a divorce. For the next following weeks she would sometimes call me on the phone telling me she misses me, would sometimes come over so we could talk. She has the kids a lot of the nights as well.
> 
> ...


File for divorce and let her go. No saving this one. She has checked out.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> File for divorce and let her go. No saving this one. She has checked out.


Thread Jack: Glad you checked in Bandit. We were wondering if Harvey had messed up your life too. It hit a few of us, but we survived thank goodness!


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