# falling out of love question



## tunka107 (Dec 5, 2008)

I hate to give up on the marriage because I do have children. I married my high school sweetheart, my first girlfriend.

after 20 years of marriage, i just do not feel in love anymore. I care about her, etc, but not in love.

This was a slow process, maybe over 10 years of frustration, not getting needs met, etc.

I also married young, and am not really sure how much in love I was. It seems like we just got along well, and did the next expected thing which was marriage.

We have done a year of counselling. It has helped us grow and understand one another better. She is a good person, so it is nothing terrible like an affair or bitter fighting. 

There is no one else in my life so that is not an issue.

I separated for a year and recently came back. Guilt, uncertainty, questioning wether I am thinking grass is greener, or mid life thing. 

I have read up on this issue. But bottom line, I just dont feel it. Not now anyway. Not for quite a few years.

If you have ever been on this side of the fence........did you ever regain your feelings? Is there a point of no return?

I have read that once your needs are being met, you should start responding and regain that connection. I just think it should have returned by now. 

I am not a mean guy, great dad, hate to hurt family. 

Any response woudl be appreciated.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

i don't think it's just gonna jump in your pocket, but i think if you'd be willing to work on it, i think it can come back. are you afraid of a little work to honor your vows?


----------



## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

When my wife and I went to marriage counseling our counselor told us that Love is a decision you make. You decide to love the other person regardless of their faults or what they do for you. When you put the effort into doing things out of love, without expectations, the other person will recognize that and respond in a way that you will feel loved. The "In Love" feelings will come and go throughout the marriage. When you are mad at your spouse, you are not having those "In Love" feelings. I recommend that you and your spouse try reading "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman if you haven't already. Once you read it, you will probably discover why you are not "In Love" with your spouse. Once you figure out your Love Language, try talking to her about it. I am sure you don't want to tell her that you are not in love with her anymore. You can just explain to her that you want to read the book together to see if there is anything you both can do to make each other feel more loved.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

RestlessInGeorgia said:


> You decide to love the other person regardless of their faults or what they do for you. When you put the effort into doing things out of love, without expectations, the other person will recognize that and respond in a way that you will feel loved.


Well put Restless. The love you speak of is referred to agape love and you can make a conscious decision to love someone this way. Love them completely and expect nothing in return. General boundaries in abuse, infidelity… not withstanding. If you can put this love in your heart the other will respond. Agape love is usually used when a spouse is not providing significant needs or when they have emotionally detached from you. I was able to use and still do use agape love in the recovery of my marriage.





RestlessInGeorgia said:


> The "In Love" feelings will come and go throughout the marriage. When you are mad at your spouse, you are not having those "In Love" feelings.


The “in love” feeling is called eros love. That total love feeling, joy, happiness, desire, euphoria. It is a wonderful feeling but it is not static. It can change over time in a relationship and always does to some extent.. It can ebb and flow and it is not sustainable. Many couples experience a strong amount of eros love early on but most experts say it can only last for 18 months or so. When it wanes a deeper love can move in. One kind is called storge love and is likened to a comfortable old shoe. It represents security, friendship and teamwork. Storge love brings stability but not necessarily lust, desire and emotional or sexual fulfillment. This is likely where the two of you are in your relationship. Storge love is important and can be built upon to bring about a deeper, more committed and mutually satisfying love called Philio love. Philio cherishes and has tender affections for ones mate, but it expects that in return. This in my opinion is the healthiest, most sustainable love in a successful relationship. For more information on this read Ed Wheat’s Love Life for Every Married Couple. It is very faith based and some will disagree with some of it’s Biblical interpretations of how a marriage can stay successful but it has many good spiritual as well as functional strong points. 

To your original question Tunka, can one fall back in love with a spouse? Yes, I am living proof of that but I had to get to the point of nearly losing her before I realized how lucky I was. The old saying, you don’t know what you have until its gone. It sounds like the two of you have a lot. Keep working at your marriage.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

For me the feeling in love part has directly to do with how much I put in to the marriage. I have always felt it, but than again I am the type of guy that just brought home a dozen roses yesterday for nothing but it pick my wife up a notch even though she wasn't feeling down perse. I also gave her a back rub because her work was tough last night. But than again I always look for those little things during the day, like starting the car before she goes to work, cleaning out the kids toys before she takes her shower, cooking her her favor meal atleast once a week. 

The two most important things are we communicate great and we still date (without kids) once a week.

draconis


----------



## MOM2BELLA (Nov 18, 2008)

*My husband has fallen out of love, any advise*

I have been married to my husband for 3 years and together for 10 years. We have a 10 month old daughter that we both adore. I have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage and they are now coming back to bite me.

I have been overbearing and a totally controlling for most of our marriage. I fully expected him to do everything I asked and change many things about himself. 

I don't fully understand why I treated him this way, but I do know that I love him with all my heart. I think that my control issue stems from having a mother that was bi-polar and my feeling of never being in control during my childhood.

Anyway, for the past several years I have done nothing but nag and put him down, often degrading him in front of mutual friends.

Most recently he had begun talking to a woman he sees doing work sometimes. They were texting and calling for at least four weeks.

I found out and was hear broken. 
He says I was a shame that it took this to make me see what I was doing.

Truth is I saw what I was doing and was told about it by many different friends, but I never changed, because I was convinced it really didn't bother him much. Boy was I wrong. 

He says that he has reached his breaking point and is no longer in love and that he has been unhappy for the past 6 months (Since I returned to work from Maternity Leave)

He has since stopped talking to the other woman, but I wonder if he is just waiting for a divorce before he pursues her.

I am extremely upset about his emotional affair, but I understand that I pushed him to it. Although that does not excuse it.

We have a daughter together and have been a couple since High School. I know that I did a lot of things wrong, I do not want to lose him. He says he wants to separate, but I feel like this will push him further away. We have a concealing session scheduled, but I feel like he is only doing it for our daughter's sake.

I cant help but feel that this "relationship" with the other woman helped push him to this point.

What do I do?
Please Help!


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

*Re: My husband has fallen out of love, any advise*



MOM2BELLA said:


> I have been married to my husband for 3 years and together for 10 years. We have a 10 month old daughter that we both adore. I have made a lot of mistakes in our marriage and they are now coming back to bite me.
> 
> I have been overbearing and a totally controlling for most of our marriage. I fully expected him to do everything I asked and change many things about himself.
> 
> ...



I responded to the thread you started so to not hijack this one.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3169-say-s-not-too-late.html

draconis


----------



## izzy (Apr 2, 2009)

I really feel for your situation. I don't have an answer as I am looking for answers myself in a very similar situation. I've been married for 18 years to my husband and we have 2 teenage boys. I believe I have fallen out of love as well. We have been separated for several months now. It is so difficult to let go of the marriage. The kids are doing ok and just want us to be happy. I love my husband very much, but the "in love" feeling died a long time ago. I don't know how to get it back or if it will come back. We have gone to counseling, but nothing seems to stick. I wish I could be of help, but please know you are not alone. I don't understand my feelings of fearing letting go, while at the same time, I wish I could end it. I think I want someone to tell me or give me permission to let go. Sounds funny, but the guilt and pain is overwhelming. My husband is a good man, I think we just grew apart over the span of many years.


----------



## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Hey izzy, I sent you a PM since your situation is very similiar to mine.


----------



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Relationships are built on shared experience. We all go through a time in our marriages when we have grown apart. We have stopped "dating" long ago. Life has become "regular". 

Buy her some flowers. Go out once a week... even if it is only to a coffee shop. re-discover what you saw in each other from the get-go.

You have to have some "alone time". There is no substitute. We are all here just waiting out our time until we die. You have choices to make along the way which will determine how you reflect back upon your life in the end.

Nobody says "Gee. I sure wish I had spent more time at work." while laying on their death bed. Folks seem to look back and think of regrets from not spending more time with those that are important.

the key ingredients for a successful marriage are Honesty, Integrity, and the desire to share of yourself (not just your money or things).

The term "in love" is a total scam. there is no such animal. It is simply a feeling you have based on a compilation of other emotions. There is no marriage (or even friendship for that matter) that will survive without effort.

Think of your kids as infants. You say "He will grow up to be strong and successful."... Not if you forget to feed and take care of him!

Spend time with each other. Be each other's best friends. Make time for yourselves. It is hard to realize that it just won't automatically maintain itself, but that's how it is.

I was devastated to learn that my marriage wasn't some magical union that would always be there and be perfect with little to no effort from me. Somehow, the magical luster has worn down to the primer and I had to realize that it is not magical after all.

~Moog


----------



## Lost2Life (Apr 29, 2011)

I have been there with you and I hate this feeling. I don't connect with my husband like we use to do. I don't blame him though. I blame myself. We have absolutely nothing in common anymore. He doesn't want to do stuff with me unless I push him into it. I have done that so much with so many things. When I make him feel guilty he will do it. I don't want to be that wife and I am so lonely for someone to laugh with and have fun with. So many things have gone on since we met 18 years ago. He and I have a 14 year age difference and his children who I once loved dearly, threw him out of his life 5 years ago. Our relationship has never been the same. I had to push him for children of our own although he said when we were dating he wanted another family. I am a burden to him, but when we talk about it he feels guilty. He and I have never ever cheated, but both of us have had "emotional" relationships with friends of the opposite sex. That is hurtful to the both of us. This week we talked about our marriage and about how he fealt pushed into things. He told me he didn't want to marry me, but he didn't want to lose me either. I feel cheated. I have only been with one other man besides him. We do have a daughter who I would never ever keep from him. I don't want to disrupt her life, upset our families or hurt him after the sacrifice he made for me over his children from his first marriage. Our sex life sucks. He can go over a year without sex and I feel like we are more like room mates than husband and wife. He has just gotten tired of taking care of me. Early on he did so much for me and maybe I expected too much. I just am so lonely. I don't want to seek emotional fullfillment with my male friends, because I feel it is wrong. I just don't know what to do and I don't want to live a life of regrets.


----------

