# I think my wife has a mental illness



## justsomehusband (May 24, 2017)

Hi all. I'll try and keep this short and hope I'm not breaking any rules. 

My wife isn't the same woman that she was at the beginning of our marriage. Since having our son (who is now 2.5) she has been a different person. She is easily frustrated. I thought she would be a great mom, and she is, when she's not angry. Which is 20% of the time (not being angry). She tells at our son and has spanked him, something she was totally against. She is easily frustrated, has misplaced anger, trouble sleeping or sleeps a lot and is still exhausted. She cannot concentrate, and went from being a 4.0 student to failing university classes. She has trouble remembering daily tasks and the motive to complete them. She has gained about 20 pounds (from her tiny 100 pound frame). She has a low desire for intimacy and has no pleasure. She doesn't seem depressed.

This all started after our son was born but the irritability became much worse around the time our son was 14 months/December 2015. We moved around that time which is why I remember. She won't go to the doctor because she doesn't think anything is wrong. She gets mad when I call her out on it or say she's bipolar. 

She can be great with our son. She loves him and is very protective over him. She just gets mad more easily than she should and at a higher intensity than needed. Everyone is surprised by it when I tell them. And yet, she wants 2 more kids. I said (hell) no. 

It comes down to: Does my wife have a mental illness or is she just a bad mom? I don't know what to do at this point. I hate seeing her scream at our son, she knows that she shouldn't but just snaps. Our son is a mommies body, so it hasn't affected him yet. 

What do I do? It has come to the point of divorce crossing my mind but I'd worry about my son. She gets mad when I suggest something is wrong. When I said maybe it's related to breastfeeding (our son is 2.5 and still nursing) and hormones she raged and started spewing out natural term weaning facts.

Help?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old is she?

Was she living alone before you married?

Did she have a job?

Does she have a job now?

What's her mom like?

What's her dad like?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is no way anyone on the internet can tell you if your wife has a mental illness.

From what you describe she does sound stress, and maybe even depressed.

Does she have a job, or is she a stay at home mom (SAHM)?


----------



## justsomehusband (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> How old is she?
> 
> Was she living alone before you married?
> 
> ...


She's 24. She lived with her family until we moved in together. She has never lived alone. She doesn't have a job. She is a full time student, our son goes to daycare for 4-5 hours a day while she's in class. She hasn't had a job since she was about 19, focused on school.

She wasn't raised by her mom and dad. Her mom had depression and postpartum depression. Her dad had all sorts of issues. Anger, was abusive, locked up for murder, sexually abusive, closet gay.


----------



## justsomehusband (May 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> There is no way anyone on the internet can tell you if your wife has a mental illness.
> 
> From what you describe she does sound stress, and maybe even depressed.
> 
> Does she have a job, or is she a stay at home mom (SAHM)?


Totally, I don't expect a medical diagnosis. I just don't know what to do at this point.

I thought depressed but she doesn't seem... depressed (sad, crying, uninterested in everything).

I answered the other question in my above response.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If her parents did not raise her, who did?

You say that her mother had PPD. How long did she have that?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of the housework and child care do each of you do?

What subject is your wife studying?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

justsomehusband said:


> Totally, I don't expect a medical diagnosis. I just don't know what to do at this point.
> 
> I thought depressed but she doesn't seem... depressed (sad, crying, uninterested in everything).
> 
> I answered the other question in my above response.


Depression can manifest in the way you describe your wife. But there is more to look at, such as circumstances. 

Is her school work just too much for her right now? 

How is your relationship with her? How much time do the two of you spend together in quality time?


----------



## justsomehusband (May 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> If her parents did not raise her, who did?
> 
> You say that her mother had PPD. How long did she have that?





EleGirl said:


> What percentage of the housework and child care do each of you do?
> 
> What subject is your wife studying?





EleGirl said:


> justsomehusband said:
> 
> 
> > Totally, I don't expect a medical diagnosis. I just don't know what to do at this point.
> ...


She was raised by her mom's parents and dad's parents. Shared custody like divorced parents but they were the grandparents. Her paternal grandfather was sexually abusive, she was in therapy from 3ish until 12ish. 

I'm not sure how long her mom had postpartum depression. My wife has an older brother, her mom "almost killed him" (my wife's words not sure of the truth) and he went to her parents for a while. With my wife she wasn't that bad but killed herself when my wife was 2 years 3 months. She had depression starting as a teen (wife's mom). 

My wife does more housework than I do. She does more for our son as well, I work fulltime and don't get home until 2AM. 

My wife is in an Audiology program. It is hard. She needs to get through school though. She has been talking about getting a job (on top of school). 

We are ok. The dynamic really changed after our son was born. She doesn't feel in love. I don't really. I'm trying to hold on. We eat dinner together everyday. We don't have much alone time together. She complains about that but we don't have time.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How many hours a day is she at school and doing homework for school?
She might have some PPD.
But a large part of this might be that she is just overwhelmed with school, the house and your child. It’s too much for her and she’s not handling it well.

If the two of you are not spending any quality time together, then of course you both don’t feel loved.

Get the books “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read them and to the work that they suggest. After you do that, ask her to read them and do the work that they suggest with you. 

My take on it is that your marriage is falling apart and so is your wife. She’s under too much pressure with school and everything a home. 

Can you do anything to give her some free time? Is there any family that can help watch you kid so that you and your wife can spend some time together?


----------



## justsomehusband (May 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a day is she at school and doing homework for school?
> She might have some PPD.
> But a large part of this might be that she is just overwhelmed with school, the house and your child. It?s too much for her and she?s not handling it well.
> 
> ...


Our son goes to preschool from 11-3 or 4, Monday to Friday. So she is in class during that time or studying. Then she studies for an hour or two after our son goes to bed, if she isn't too tired. On the weekends she is with our son all day. 

Does post partum depression even hang around this long, or get worse after a year postpartum? 

She could just be overwhelmed. I have friends who stay home other than school, work and have a family and do fine. Maybe she can't handle much. Not trying to be mean.

We have a hard time finding time to spend together. Our son refuses to go to bed until 10pm, he just isn't tired we've tried changing his schedule for months. She has been less frustrated since accepting he won't go to bed earlier. He also wakes at night. I work weekends so we are more limited. 

My wife has one of those books. I recognize his needs her needs. 

My parents take our son for the day a couple times a month. We usually do our own thing. I need time alone, a lot more than she does (she needs none). I don't know if there is a fix for that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Please borrow her book "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it. It will explain a lot of what is going on.

Yea, you need time alone. But if you want to remain married, the two of you need to spend time together, about 15 hours a week. If you cannot find that much time for each other, then your marriage is going to fail. It's that simple. 

You say that she cannot handle much.

From my experience in getting a very demanding degree, it's far more stressful than a full time job. My full time job as an engineer was a cake walk compared to school. My bet, having watched friends go through a similar education program as the one she is doing, is that it's extremely demanding and stressful. She's putting in at least 40-60 hours a week. Plus she is doing most of the child care and most of the housework.

I think you are wrong that she cannot handle much. She's doing 2 full time jobs. I think you are under estimating what she is doing. And you underestimating the stress she is under is probably part of why she gets so upset with you when you bring this up.

Have you asked your wife what you can do to help her to take some of the load off her?


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Please don't think that because your son is small, your wife's behavior is not affecting him. 

It most certainly is - he is learning that it is normal to be screamed at and hit if he does something wrong in her eyes.

Children need repetition, consistency, and structure. They need bad behavior to be explained and followed up with appropriate consequences. Her behavior is unpredictable and erratic. He is walking on eggshells in his own way.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> How many hours a day is she at school and doing homework for school?
> She might have some PPD.
> But a large part of this might be that she is just overwhelmed with school, the house and your child. It’s too much for her and she’s not handling it well.
> 
> ...


And add on top of that, that she was not raised in a typical loving home, that she in fact was abused, so she has no skillset of healthy behavior to adhere to. 

And 24 year olds, as odd as it sounds, aren't even done growing up yet; the brain doesn't stop developing until around 25. So she's still figuring out who she is and what she believes in. 

And she ran from one home to another (yours); she's basically still a child, being taken care of by another 'parent.'

In the short term, what you two need is to change how you do things. It will be hard, but leaving your wife just because things are tough will be MUCH HARDER, for the rest of your life. Now is not the time to leave. It sounds like she needs guidance, not yet another abandonment.

To that end, I take it she is alone every day when she gets home from school? Basically every single night, since you don't get home until 2am? Think how hard that is on a young mother still studying a hard subject in school. She's basically on her own, except for the money you bring in. 

FIND ways to get her some support and some help. If you go to church, ask the church. If you don't go to church, consider picking one. Churches usually have a Mothers' Day Out.

If you can afford it, start giving her some relief through an occasional pedicure, massage, shopping trip, so that she can remember (or even realize) that she's a human being and worthy of pleasure. If you can't afford it, find cheap ways to do these things for her. I used to give my husband pedicures. We still give each other massages. And you can have a fun time shopping at a flea market.

Surely you two have friends or some sort of family with whom you can leave your child for 3 or 4 hours? Take her to a movie, or go on a picnic, go biking, whatever, just make sure you are still DATING your wife. She went from being wooed by you (I assume you took her out on dates, yes?) to becoming a full-time student and mom and, basically, invisible. 

And do read HNHN together and talk about it. Map out what each of you needs and how you are love-busting (hurting) each other, and make changes on those things. 

There are many ways you can improve this marriage and get over this hump.

And btw, when she becomes happier and more fulfilled, the sex will return.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On the school thing...you can help.

My wife could not [effectively] speak any English when she arrived in the USA.
She had English schooling but, lets face it, she could not function effectively in society or University for 5 years or so.

I helped her with her homework, wrote all her papers, sat down with her and assisted with her reading.

She is a very smart lady.

In math, chemistry, science, she got straight A's. In English, History...a struggle. Reading English was the issue.
'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

My point?

Help her with her school work. Use flash cards, lesson plans, practice questions, whatever...get involved in that realm.

Help take the load off her with housework, playing with the child...take the child in another room or to the park, whatever. Give her space.

Two and half year old kids are a blast! But they take all your energy chasing them, entertaining them...do it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why don't you take your son on Saturday or Sunday and just go do things with him, so she can have a day to herself? Every year, for Mothers Day or my birthday, I would ask my husband to take our daughter and just go away so I could 'turn off' being a mother and wife, for at least one day. It's all I ever asked for! He always thought I was kidding. I wasn't. Why is SHE with the son all weekend? Why aren't YOU? She's with him the entire week!


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If she was sexually abused then she has issues. The way you describe her behavior around the young child suggests to me it may be related to her sexual abuse.

You can't diagnose her nor be her doctor. She needs to first admit she has something going on which is damaging to herself, her child, and her marriage. Then she needs to seek out qualified professional help. She needs to be honest with herself and then fully honest with whatever professionals she consults. Maybe she is depressed. Maybe she is over stressed. Maybe it is something to do with sex abuse. Maybe she learned this parenting style from her parents/grandparents and just doesn't know any different.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

IMO, when yu deal with her, don't throw labels around...... ie you have BPD, you're a narcissist.

Instead, point out the behaviors that should be changed so it comes across less that you are judging her and more that you notice some of the difficulties that she is having.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

My wife and I had issues. Not like yours, but I thought there was something wrong with my wife. When we had been married for almost 5 years she screwed up and let a guy have sex with her. 

I accused her of being crazy. I was way too mean.

Maybe your wife has a problem. Only a professional might know.

In the end my wife was diagnosed with some real problems. Her past was frightening. I was ashamed of how I had treated her. I still work hard to make it up to her every day. And yes, she has problems.

We face her problems together. The synergy we have found in doing this still amazes me every day. I thank God we stuck it out, got her help, and I stayed with her. We came out of that fire in 1980. 

Even horribly damaged people can become wonderful loving human beings with the right help and nurturing.


----------

