# Wife of 30 years is divorcing me



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Like my screen name says, I didn't have a clue. W told me a day after Christmas and then told our daughter. What is amazing to me is that W then went out to lunch with friends afterward like it was no big deal. She also had a massage scheduled , but my daughter raised a fit so W stayed and at least calmed my daughter down.
I thought we were soulmates and would be together until we died, but my wife says she no longer loves me and does not want to be with me any longer. I am still in love with her, have provided for her , paid all her CC bills for years, put away a substantial reitrement for us and she knows I have never cheated or looked at another women in 30 years of marriage. She also knows how deeply I love her and have gone to the end of the earth to make things right. I am not perfect, but I always tried to be true to her and she knows it. 

This is such a shock and I just can't believe this is happening. The only thing my wife will say at this point is to get a lawyer next week. She won't consider any other route and wants a divorce in 60 days or less. I simply don't know what to do and at my age (55) I know I no longer will be able to retire when she gets done with me. My daughter is in shock also. I can't even understand what my feelings are at this point other than severe grief. Help !!


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

hey there notaclue
I am so so sorry for you 
what a horrible shock for you and your family - 
were there no signs at all? 
sounds like she may have met someone else to be so determined - and so secretive -
it is early days for you both though...
I always remember my counsellor saying to me 
In a crisis do nothing 
so you are currently in crisis mode - 
look after youself / stay as calm as you can/ 
talk to friends/ look after your daughter...
stay posting and vent your anger (it will come) here - 
there are loads of people on this site who will offer great advice and support....
take care 
K


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

I am sad to hear about your loss, and that is just what it is... a loss. It never makes any sense when it comes to these types of things. It hits you from out in left field. The only thing that you can do is press forward. There is nothing else that any of us can do. Good luck. She'll learn that the grass isn't always greener on the other side. Be strong brother.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know and I am sorry. I've been married for 25 years and my H decided that he was unhappy for awhile but didn't tell me until much later. He had already detached.

I would be suspicious of her, at this point, and another man.

I love K's advice.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thank you for all your advice. I don't think it's another man, but you never know and I don't think I really want to know at this point. I guess I am terrified. All my hopes and dreams have been torn apart. Everything I've worked for all these years is gone. I'm also scared from a financial standpoint and know she has retained a shark for a lawyer. What I can't understand is my W's attitude about all of this and how sure she is that this is the right thing to do. I have never seen her like this - it's like her heart has turned to stone. She simply no longer cares and said she would never want to be married again. 

Our young adult daughter is very close to her and is beside herself. She asked my W why she never gave me a chance for counseling if there was a problem and just hit me with it out of the blue. No good answer - just that it was the right thing to do. My daughter is furious about this and I'm afraid my W will lose her relationship with our Daughter. 

I still love my W, but I am so confused and upset. I am not a bad person, have never done anything to her other than argue about her over spending patterns. My daughter told her she has gone crazy for divorcing the best father and husband in the world. I never thought it could happen to my marriage - how stupid I was.... The sad part about this is that my W says there are no other options - she is done. 

Sorry for the long vent. I don't really have anyone to talk to about this at this point.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If your wife has retained an aggressive attorney, then you need to interview a few of your own. 

Even though she is moving fast...you may have to catch up. 

No telling what is going on, at this point, but you need to protect yourself.

You can still love her and protect yourself. Start by doing this...


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> If your wife has retained an aggressive attorney, then you need to interview a few of your own.
> 
> Even though she is moving fast...you may have to catch up.
> 
> ...


Thanks Corpuswife, I will start on Monday. 

I hope she realizes at some point the havoc, heartbreak and total devastation she has caused for our Daughter and myself. But after trying to reason with her, I doubt it. Breaking apart the family seems like no big deal to her. 

Divorce like this has to be the worst thing that can happen to a person. For me it's worse than the death of my parents.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Notaclue,
it is completely devastating and in your case very brutal...CW is right you may need to move to legal stuff quickly if she has already.....
it hurts like hell 
you are correct though - reason doesn't work when they get like this - and yes the emotional detachment is cruel....
I like that you are clear though - you are clear that it is not about you - remember this as much as you can.....
K


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It truly is a death. I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone. The fact that you can be a decent person; loyal; honest; hardworker; good wife/mother; etc. sometimes doesn't matter. It's about THEM.

We can't change their minds or convince them or plead. Although, I have tried, at many points, during the last 14 months. 

Of course, we all have flaws and could have been this or that...we are human. 

I just figured after 20 years...we had it in the bag. At 20 years we were still "in love." At 25 years...he wasn't??

For the most part, in these circumstances where there isn't a real serious "crime" committed....you know multiple affairs, addictive behavior, or abuse...they eventually figure it out. For some it may take many years. Who can wait? 

I'm not. I've waited for 14 months of hell. I might as well beat my head against the wall and it would have been less painful.

I can still love him and let him go. He admits to still loving me just not "in love" with me. As I've said all along...."what a crock!!"


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks K for our advice. It is devastating and brutal for sure. My daughter is really having emotional problems now and my wife is just acting like everything will be ok. 

It will never be Ok and I have told my W this. You are correct about reason - I tried to talk to her tonight and she will have none of what I have to say.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

ok - now is the time to be there for your daughter - more than ever - you probably already know this - but focussing on her and her needs will take your attention away from your wife.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Come to think of it Corpuswife, my W did say something to the effect that she will always love me but she is not in love with me anymore a few days ago. Not the exact words but the same idea. I really have no idea what she means. 

My daughter told her to get over her suburban petty mental problem BS, that I did nothing to be treated like this. 

I am human, I am not perfect, but I always did the right thing for my W and family. If there was a problem I fixed it. Like you and a lot of others in this situation, I never did anything to warrant this type treatment. 

In 30 years she has never acted like this - it's like something snapped. But I am not sure I will ever know.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You are right as you may never know. If you are like many of us..you sure in the heck will try. It's called overanalyzing and I am the QUEEN. ha.

The "in love" thing...I guess it means excitement and butterflies in the stomach. Who in the heck knows.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh said:


> ok - now is the time to be there for your daughter - more than ever - you probably already know this - but focussing on her and her needs will take your attention away from your wife.


Yes I have been talking to my daughter all day and trying not to drive a wedge between her and her mother. Problem is, I don't have a good explanation of what is going on and can't answer a lot of my daughter's questions.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Just be honest about how you feel -
your daughter will respond to that


----------



## dumped4another (Dec 16, 2009)

Hey Not, 
Brother, we are going through the same thing. I have been with my W for 17 years, thought I had it all figured out, and she hit me with the "I love you but not in love with you" BS 11 months ago. I always considered myself a good husband, father, friend, lover to my W. Always true to her and just so deeply in love with her. At this point, go get that lawyer, take care of your daughter, take care of yourself, cry as much as you want, surround yourself with loved ones and friends. Talk it out, go see a counselor for yourself and even maybe your daughter. Your W, like mine, is at a point of no return and, as painful as it is to face, you have to start moving in your own direction. People I talk to always say "grass isn't always greener, she'll rue the day she left, etc" but only time will tell. So we have no choice but to hang in there, get the divorce done, and move on. It's been almost a year now, and JUST NOW am I coming to grips with it. I still have a long way to go, but I'll get there and so will you, even though I'm sure you feel like you'll never get over this. Keep posting here. There's a lot of great, caring people here. They won't steer you wrong. And most importantly, remember, you are not alone. You are in my thoughts and prayers.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks D4A, that means a lot. I really don't have a lot of friends that I would want to talk to about this in depth so I guess I'll get counseling. I tried talk to my W today about her decision and she basically said that if I talked to her again about it she was moving out this morning.... Not a great thing for my Daughter. So I guess I'll suffer alone now and get a lawyer on Monday. 

What I don't understand is how my W believes this is the right thing to do and won't even consider any other alternatives. She wants one of those fast track divorces and is intent on making this happen in the next 30-60 days. It's like I am now "persona non grata" in my own house and I didn't do a damn thing. 

She admitted last night that I was the best father and a good husband and always did the right thing for the family. I spent the last 30 years putting money towards retirement and now she will probably get everything and retire and I will never retire. My Daughter told her that she risks losing her, and my W just said that was her choice. My Daughter can't really even talk about it with me anymore she is so emotionally hurt. I am in a state of total shock and my soul is torn apart.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

This was all planned on her end well in advance, and appears to be excuted flawlessly on her part.

I'd be looking straight away to the bank accounts. I mean, read this post and find out *now* where your money is. Immediately switch anything and everything into your daughters name if you have to.

Is there another man?

Personally I think she was just bored of you. You sound like a "good guy", but just so safe, and not enough of an edge to you.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes I am boring and safe - I admit to that. When you are 55 years old and have been through what I have in life, boring and safe isn't so bad. LOL. 

She did obviously have it planned way in advance and to drop the Bomb during Christmas is totally wrong IMHO.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Notaclue, I am wishing for the best for you.

Things are confusing right now for you so I will speak plainly.

A woman, when she is going to throw away a marriage and the love and respect of her man and her children, is most likely involved with another man.

When this happens, no matter what you do or say it is beyond reason and logic. 

What you need to do is already said, to put yourself and your daughter first, and get a good lawyer.

For your own peace of mind, and your protection, from this minute forward take control of yourself and this situation as quickly and as aggressively as you can. 

Do NOT beg, plead, cry, or in any way from this minute on do a single thing to appear weak to your woman, or do anything to give her any more of the control of the situation that she has already taken.

If she says she wants a divorce in 60 days, then tell her you will be done in 30, and she can leave immediately for that matter. And be the man to do it.

Nothing I have to say is easy to hear, but it is nothing else than complete control that you need to display and possess at this point.

And, no matter what happens, if there is another man which is likely, when you have taken control and showing to your wife, your daughter, and yourself that you are twice or three times the man of any other man, then, and ONLY THEN will it be possible to reconcile if there even is a way.

The time is now to fight, and fight hard. 

I wish you well.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Yes I am boring and safe - I admit to that. When you are 55 years old and have been through what I have in life, boring and safe isn't so bad. LOL.
> 
> She did obviously have it planned way in advance and to drop the Bomb during Christmas is totally wrong IMHO.


Sometimes, playing it safe in a world like today is a smart move. It doesn't matter if you are 55 or 35. You have to play the hand that you are given.

Relationships that end over the holidays are just as hard to cope with as losing your job just before the holidays. It just sucks! There really isn't anything else to say about that.

Since you are in Florida (as I am as well), try to get out and just walk on the beach. I know that the temps this week are below what we consider good weather here in the "sunshine state", but still make it something that you do. I love hearing the waves crash onto the shore, and seeing the little Sandpippers scurry all over the beach. The ocean air does wonders in helping to clear your mind and gain your perspective. 

You are going to have to prepare for battle, but you need to do it with your thinking processes fully in tact.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Big Bad Wolf - I will heed your advice. I am going to get an agressive attorney on Monday. I already have two picked out to meet with. I guess she will go after everything she can get since she has this so well planned out. 

Guess I am done talking to her about this. (I am still hurt inside and from what I've read on other threads here it takes a long time to go away.) I don't even feel qualified to post on the other threads here because still don't understand what's happening or why. It's like someone sneaked up on me and hit me in the back of my hard head with a 2X4. I'm still stunned, confused and clueless but everybody's input sure has started to help. Thanks.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> You are going to have to prepare for battle, but you need to do it with your thinking processes fully in tact.


Exactly, at some point I need to get over with this phase and start the nasty legal process. I think on Monday after I meet with the attorney the harsh reality will take over.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> Do NOT beg, plead, cry, or in any way from this minute on do a single thing to appear weak to your woman, or do anything to give her any more of the control of the situation that she has already taken.
> 
> If she says she wants a divorce in 60 days, then tell her you will be done in 30, and she can leave immediately for that matter. And be the man to do it.


You're off the mark on these BBW. She's leaving him because he's shown no interest in her that floats her boat. This is just more disinterest.

The fact that she's managed to blindside him like this means he's been paying her no attention of consequence.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I have tried to show interest in her, but everything I suggested she stopped wanting to do or had an excuse. I totally missed it. 

I tried to talk to her on a deep level on several occasions and never could get her to open up - I thought it was a phase she was going through. When I asked about it last night, she said she had already started to make up her mind and couldn't talk to me anymore about our relationship. 

At this point obviously I don't float her boat. God, how I know that now.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Guess I am done talking to her about this. (I am still hurt inside and from what I've read on other threads here it takes a long time to go away.) I don't even feel qualified to post on the other threads here because still don't understand what's happening or why. It's like someone sneaked up on me and hit me in the back of my hard head with a 2X4. I'm still stunned, confused and clueless but everybody's input sure has started to help. Thanks.


Your posts can surely help someone else. Just as we are all going through some type of marriage torment, we were able to find words of comfort and strength in someone else's kind words and experience. Your experience gives you wisdom. Please do not miss out on another who may feel the type of pain that you feel.

You offering words of encouragement will also help heel you as well.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Not a clue I am very sorry to hear whats going on with you. Im sorry for you and your daughter. Same thing here after 18 years and I didnt find out till two weeks later someone else was involved. Seems like they are all the same people. They tell you this and then they are completely withdrawn from you emotionally and otherwise. It seems like she has been planning it for quite sometime and now she feels no guilt about it because she has rationalized that away. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter for what I know is an agonizing situation for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Atholk said:


> You're off the mark on these BBW. She's leaving him because he's shown no interest in her that floats her boat. This is just more disinterest.
> 
> The fact that she's managed to blindside him like this means he's been paying her no attention of consequence.


I'm sure he's shown her interest, it's just the "nice guy" interest that the woman will grow resentful of, until she meets someone else that lights her fire.

Now any appeasement must stop completely.

If there is any reconciliation, and I mean IF, it will only be after the man has shown the woman he is happy and successful without her, and she will see she could not have him even if she tried very much. This will make a woman burn for a man, if he is dominant and she is feeling he is out of her reach. 

And even without reconciliation, when the man has taken control, he can cut loose the betraying woman and move on with his life in strength and dignity.

This is also important for when the time comes to find another woman, there is not the resentment, confusion, and mistrust of woman, but the solid understanding and confidence to continue with a happy and successful life.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks Big Bad Wolf - I will heed your advice. I am going to get an agressive attorney on Monday. I already have two picked out to meet with. I guess she will go after everything she can get since she has this so well planned out.
> 
> Guess I am done talking to her about this. (I am still hurt inside and from what I've read on other threads here it takes a long time to go away.) I don't even feel qualified to post on the other threads here because still don't understand what's happening or why. It's like someone sneaked up on me and hit me in the back of my hard head with a 2X4. I'm still stunned, confused and clueless but everybody's input sure has started to help. Thanks.


You are at a huge advantage since you already know the name of her attorney. 

Make sure these other attorneys you are interviewing know this as well, they can know what to expect. Lawyers travel in small circles and know each other and are often professionally and socially aquainted, use this to your advantage. 

Also understand, that I am not saying you must ignore your woman, although it can be true as far as emotions go, but in all your communication to her it must be calm, confident, and even somewhat aloof and cool headed.

It is very powerful to a woman when she sees she is not able to push your buttons, when it becomes clear that you are in control and she is not.

Again, you may still communicate to her the things that you believe are important for her to know (name of attorney, how disappointed in her you are, etc.), but do NOT do it in such a way as to appear "needy" or "begging". This is fuel on the fire, nothing more. Again, always present yourself as the one in control of the situation and yourself. 

And for yourself, to ease your mind and help with the confusion, seek out for yourself some time and activities that please you.

Keep exercising, keep moving, anything from hitting the gym often to simply walking around the block. It will be good for mind and body.

Pay careful attention to your appearance, do not let yourself go, but instead make the extra effort to always look presentable, even above normal. This will help keep your confidence and presentation always sharp and ready, as they say, "dress for success".

In all things, do what is necessary to maintain control of yourself and your situation. This attitude will serve you well until the mud settles and the water again becomes clear. It may take a while, but the mud will always settle.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks for the advice BBW, I will be as repectful but as aloof as possible. I will not let her push any more buttons then she already has. I am now resigned to the divorce and have nothing more to say to her. Besides, I would never want my W to stay with me if she didn't want to, whatever the reason. 

Yes I will cry in the shower, but will not show any weakness to her. The very sad part about all this is that in this world there is very little honesty and lasting true love. I always thought we were soulmates.....I would go to hell and back for her and she knows it. 

Like you guys here, I have been knocked down plenty of times in life and always got back up for my family. (Her father was an alcoholic and never got back up so she knows exactly where I am coming from.) 

I took my Daughter to lunch today which really helped. I told her that she still needed to love and cherish her mother and that I would do nothing to come between them. She promised she would, but said she told her Mom that she was a complete moron that she could never trust her ever again. Very sad.....

I guess after I go through the divorce process I might feel terribly embittered, but I am still trying to take the high road.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

noideato20 said:


> Not a clue I am very sorry to hear whats going on with you. Im sorry for you and your daughter. Same thing here after 18 years and I didnt find out till two weeks later someone else was involved. Seems like they are all the same people. They tell you this and then they are completely withdrawn from you emotionally and otherwise. It seems like she has been planning it for quite sometime and now she feels no guilt about it because she has rationalized that away. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your daughter for what I know is an agonizing situation for you both.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She sure planned it out all right and absolutely has zero guilt. Best way to describe it is "smug and happy". I don't know anything about the "grass being greener" on the other side, but I think maybe she will wake up someday and realize what she has thrown away ? 

Maybe not , who I am to say , but my Daughter told her that there isn't anything worse than growing old and dying alone. Sad really.


----------



## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Have you found out if there is cash you can get to yet?


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

And in the end, you will be the better person. You can't be with someone for that amount of time and not to expect for them to come knocking on your door one day. There are too many memories that you two have shared. She only chooses to not remember them for the time being. But when that flood of memories, smells, feelings, and laughs break open that door, then there will be a rush of emotions that she will feel.

Maybe by then, you will be numb to her, and then maybe you won't. Either way... you'll be stronger and wiser. 

I am thinking about seeing that movie "It's Complicated". I am sure that everyone who feels as we do on this board will be able to relate to some if not most parts of that movie.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm not sure I'm ready to see that movie DS. After reading all the threads here today, I'm pretty depressed and don't think I could sit thru that movie. I'm also scared to face the financial reality of what will happen to me. 

Think I'll now take the dog for another long walk..... At least the dog still likes me. LOL


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I finally came back from that walk and thought about one thing that will haunt me forever - The hopes and dreams I had for the future with my W and family and now what will never be. The plans I had for retirement with her are all gone forever. Even though we haven't gotten there yet the dream is gone. 

It's like there is no future anymore. Anyone else feel this when they were going thru the divorce ?


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

The pain may not fully go away, but tomorrow is a new day. In order to win this race, we have to look forward. You can't win a race looking backwards. No one is saying that it is going to be easy, but small steps will lead to giant leaps.

The sun will rise tomorrow no matter what. There is a new day on the horizon.


----------



## metoo (Dec 9, 2009)

No Clue I'm truly sorry you are having to deal with a divorce after 30 years of marriage. You sound like a very caring and thoughtful person who doesn't deserve the cruel way your wife chose to end the marriage. It must be really difficult to live in the same house together at this point. You just need to continue to take care of yourself and your daughter during this emotional roller coaster. It's good your getting out an talking walks, it really helps to clear the thoughts for awhile at least.
I can truly relate as I have been separated from my husband of 29 years for the last 4 months. We do not live together any longer, and I bet in your case it must be really painful to see her daily. I wish you the best and have hope for the future.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes Metoo it is pretty difficult for all of us on this board, a lot of folks face the same thing like our situation so I'm learning a lot reading all the threads. I am so grateful for all the advice here. 

My wife doesn't even want a trial separation, refuses to talk, she just wants to move on asap which is very frustrating. Like I said before, it's like all of the sudden her heart has turned to stone and we don't know who this person is .... Obviously she has some type of plan for her new life. I don't even want to know....

One thing I learned long ago is that money, power, and status mean absolutely nothing in this life. We are all wanderers trying to find any meaning we can. To have someone who you love travel this road of life with you is the only thing you can ask for. 

My W knows I would give my life for her, but doesn't seem to care. Very Sad...


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Not a clue, I have the same thoughts about the future. I got mad the other day when I started thinking about grandkids and I was thinking yep you screwed that one up too. Part of the reason you stay in a committed relationship is for those reasons. History present and future. It is very hard to move on. I know for myself I will definetly have to get counseling or group therapy to move on. The worse part is just the fact that I feel the person I was has been taken from me. I spend all my time of late thinking about this when I used to just live my life. I guess Im suppossed to be learning something. I think its normal for you to feel slighted about your retirement ect... because its like they made plans for you and your life without even consulting you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thats a good point noideato20, I also feel like I can't just live my normal life because what my thoughts are now consumed with - now and in the future. My W's future must be clear in her mind -I don't have any answers. 

It's been hard because I really don't have anybody to talk to over the Holidays so I just keep trying to process all of this. My Daughter has pretty much stopped communicationg at this point she is so numb and emotionally overloaded. Yes, counseling will have to be part of the deal. 

W woke up this morning and said she needed to find another place to live because she doesn't want to talk to me anymore about her decision and why. "She just needs her space".


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thats bs she needs another place. Shes the one that wants out she doesnt want to even give the marriage a chance with couseling. My husband wanted to continue living here but just completely ignore me and want me to feel like a complete outsider in my own home. Of course he was texting and calling the other woman while he was here so that didnt last long. However thats not your situation so you will have to do whats best for you. When he was here though I couldnt make it through a week without starting to plead again with the why why why. Just wasnt healthy for my dignity any more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I told her I am done pleading so if she decides to move out it will be for "another " reason. I'll get a lawyer tomorrow and start the bloody process like she wants. I have no choice and I will learn to protect myself. 

Seems like she's happy and that is all that matters. I am not angry at this point , but I know she and her attorney must have terrible things in store for my life. 

I will try to keep my dignity with grace and humility through this and see what is in store on the other side.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Good for you sounds like you have a clue after all. I like the part about her being happy so true so true. Yes as long as they are happy to heck with the rest of the world. eeeeaaakkk!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

She is the kind of person that will not admit she made a mistake - so I suspect she will still force herself to be "happy" no matter what the outcome in the next year.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I will do everything in my power to help my daughter: 

If I can stop one heart from breaking,
I shall not live in vain;
If I can ease one life the aching,
Or cool one pain,
Or help one fainting robin
Unto his nest again,
I shall not live in vain. 

Emily ****inson


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Very well said...

I had to smile because asterisks are blocking out part of the author's name.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yep that one gave me a chuckle too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Guess we will have to say the author's name is Emily "Richard"son and then you can shorten the last name. LOL


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Guess we will have to say the author's name is Emily "Richard"son and then you can shorten the last name. LOL


Okay, okay... yeah... that will work!


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey if Im really mad can I say my H was being a richard head?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

noideato20 said:


> Hey if Im really mad can I say my H was being a richard head?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes LOL a richard head it is :lol:


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not,
you are doing great - get it over ASAP -
there are some blessings in this 
BTW she won't be happy 
it is easy to feel strong and confident when you are holding all the cards 
your day will come -


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh said:


> Not,
> you are doing great - get it over ASAP -
> there are some blessings in this
> BTW she won't be happy
> ...


knortoh is 100% correct!! She hit it out of the park!


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You need to protect yourself emotionally and financially. 

Do not move out of the house--make her leave. You also should file before she does. It makes a difference on how things play out.

Cancel your credit cards. Shift money.She is playing sneaky already. There is no chance this is an impulsive act by her.

You need to prepare for battle. Your wife is not the woman you married anymore. She's in mercenary mode.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Knortoh and DS , I hope you are right, but now as you said she really is holding all the cards and she really is feeling pretty satisfied with herself. 

I'm just so emtionally drained from other situations ( health, business) over the past few years that this last insult to my mental reserves is just too much. 

I always saw her as my Rock and It's really hard as she is a good person and deep down I still love her. But I know she will leave forever.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

michzz said:


> You need to prepare for battle. Your wife is not the woman you married anymore. She's in mercenary mode.


That's what I am deeply afraid of....


ETA: Deeply Afraid


----------



## Inturmoil (Sep 22, 2009)

Notaclue,

I can totally relate to what you are going through....my wife of almost 20 years decided she wanted out as well just out of the blue. No emotion....kind of a smug happiness as someone mentioned earlier. I know it's hard for you right now...you have to trust me that it does get a little easier....you go through the emotional rollercoaster....I've been there and now 5 months later am still going through it all but eventually you will get to the point where you can cope. I know it's been mentioned a couple times already but in reading your situation it seems fairly clear to me that there is "someone else" in the picture. Why else would she want out so fast and be willing to throw away 30 years without any sort of effort on her part to make things work? I went through those same emotions and wouldn't even consider that thought but alas it was true as many kept trying to tell me....i know it doesn't make it any easier but it does help you realize some of the motivation for all this. At least you can feel better about the fact that you are a decent guy who was always there for your family...no cheating, infidelity, abuse etc.......your wife is just a nutjob! Anyway....I am sorry that you are going through this...be there for your daughter. I'd also check out this site Dad's Divorce - Information and resources about divorce, alimony, child support and child custody for fathers at any stage of divorce. There is lots of good info here that has helped me immensly. From your situation it sounds like you should work on "the List." Plus I've found that it's always nice to have another place to vent. Take care of yourself!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Inturmoil, my senses tell me that there isn't someone else, but I simply don't know what she is thinking ... so I will remain neutral but not surprised if there is. She better understand that if there is someone else this will kill her relationship with her Daughter. 

I spoke to a lawyer today and of course he asked the same thing so who knows. 

He said her lawyer was a real hard head and he has been up against him before. Reason will not prevail I'm afraid, even the Lawyer said once a woman makes up her mind there is no changing.... I know I'm not perfect, but this whole thing is wrong on so many levels.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks Inturmoil, my senses tell me that there isn't someone else, but I simply don't know what she is thinking ... so I will remain neutral but not surprised if there is. She better understand that if there is someone else this will kill her relationship with her Daughter.
> 
> I spoke to a lawyer today and of course he asked the same thing so who knows.
> 
> He said her lawyer was a real hard head and he has been up against him before. Reason will not prevail I'm afraid, even the Lawyer said once a woman makes up her mind there is no changing.... I know I'm not perfect, but this whole thing is wrong on so many levels.


It's good to hear that you've sought legal advice today. Hopefully it gave you some sort of direction as to where you are heading and what you have to prepare for. Sometimes, even the smallest answers can help you to see the bigger picture.

There are times when someone leaves and it does not involve the opposite sex. Everyone is different and there is no guide book or manual that says if A, B, and C is happening, then this is the result or reason. People are dynamic... not static. We can never really understand what goes through anyone's mind. This is even more evident in marriage.

It is my opinion that just as easy as it was for her to relay the harsh message to you that she has said... it will be ten times as painful when she wakes up and realizes just what she has done.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Why is it that you describe this situation as if she is omnipotent and you are powerless? That she will somehow be able to retire but you won't. 

Perhaps a therapist can help you find a way to feel and act less like a victim. As for her and her lawyer - there are fairly well defined rules for splitting up assets a "tough" lawyer cannot abuse you if you have a competent attorney on your side. 

It is very rare for someone to move away from a 30 year marriage unless they are moving towards a new relationship. If she is doing that do you even want to know? 




Notaclue said:


> Thanks Inturmoil, my senses tell me that there isn't someone else, but I simply don't know what she is thinking ... so I will remain neutral but not surprised if there is. She better understand that if there is someone else this will kill her relationship with her Daughter.
> 
> I spoke to a lawyer today and of course he asked the same thing so who knows.
> 
> He said her lawyer was a real hard head and he has been up against him before. Reason will not prevail I'm afraid, even the Lawyer said once a woman makes up her mind there is no changing.... I know I'm not perfect, but this whole thing is wrong on so many levels.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> It is my opinion that just as easy as it was for her to relay the harsh message to you that she has said... it will be ten times as painful when she wakes up and realizes just what she has done.


I hope so DS, I hope so. 

Talking to the attorney was good. Of course he had a lot of stories and advice. But at the end of the day it still hurts bad. 

He even asked about us going to counseling - I told him she wouldn't at this point. I'll go to counseling at some point I'm sure of that.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> It is very rare for someone to move away from a 30 year marriage unless they are moving towards a new relationship. If she is doing that do you even want to know?


Nope, I really don't.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey not a clue hope your day has been bearable so far. See I think its a double edge sword, the affair thing. With me It made me almost feel a little better because he was just telling me it was all me that he wasnt in love with me. When I did find out though it just gave me a whole new set of things to fret over plus the thought of them together isnt pleasant either. Doesnt matter either way once they tell you that there is no going back on it. Like the marital cardinal sin or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hi Noidea hope things are going much better for you today also. Yeah, the first half was Ok, but I had to leave work early today to see a lawyer and I got really depressed afterward and came home. Luckily my Boss understands the situation and is ok with me taking the time off I need. 

My W is no where to be found so God knows what she is up to LOL. I am not going to call her either at this point. As far as the affair thing - I really don't care to know one way or the other.
I will take the high road and conduct myself with honor and integrity. Hell that's all I have left. LOL


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yep thats for sure God does know. Thank goodness you have a good boss. I am lucky with my job too I have been there for 14 years and they were there for me when my mom passed away and now this. I thought about this today and I am blessed in so many ways that I have a good job and can support myself and dont have to worry about losing my house. You already sound miles ahead of me when I found out. I did find a divorce care that starts next mon. Im there. I think you are for sure taking the high road with the whole matter and I know you might be tired of this one but God probably has something better in store for you. Something that maybe she would hold you back on. Im on a positive rant today. Thats a good thing. I want you to know I have admired the way you are coping and it gives me aspiration to take the high road as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well noidea I'm not miles ahead as I still worry about losing my house , job at some point, and life as I knew it. I spoke to a counselor today and it really didn't help very much, she was more into the psychological aspect - guess it won't for a long time. My wife talked to me a little last night and she is bascially over with our marraige and ready to move on. She doesn't seem to care what type of financial devastation she is causing much less the emotional side of things. She said she needs to do what is right for her to be happy for the rest of her life. She is going to her counselor today - I think she is getting a lot of encouragement to stay strong and go thru with the divorce from her counselor - just a guess....but I will still take the high road. 

What is divcorce care ? Is a a religious type organization or something else ?

BTW, I'm just a lost soul and am not coping well at all. The pain is unbearable.....


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Well noidea I'm not miles ahead as I still worry about losing my house , job at some point, and life as I knew it. I spoke to a counselor today and it really didn't help very much, she was more into the psychological aspect - guess it won't for a long time. My wife talked to me a little last night and she is bascially over with our marraige and ready to move on. She doesn't seem to care what type of financial devastation she is causing much less the emotional side of things. She said she needs to do what is right for her to be happy for the rest of her life. She is going to her counselor today - I think she is getting a lot of encouragement to stay strong and go thru with the divorce from her counselor - just a guess....but I will still take the high road.
> 
> What is divcorce care ? Is a a religious type organization or something else ?
> 
> BTW, I'm just a lost soul and am not coping well at all. The pain is unbearable.....


She is just bound and determined to push through with this. This is probably where you prepare for a nasty battle. Although she is your world, she is clearly telling you that you are not hers. You are not privy to what she is telling others and that includes her counselor. It is interesting as to why she feels the need to have a separate counselor. It seems as if she is looking for a cheering section and not someone who is going to give her any logical advice concerning this issue.

For her to be this callous is almost amazing. Karma will surely come back and do more than just tap her on the shoulder. Love is a funny thing. When all is going well, you feel like you are on top of the world... that nothing or no one can stand in your way. But when love has taken a turn for the worse, you can't think straight, eat, and you feel a huge pain in your chest. She feels nothing, and this is alarming.

My friend, you are going to have to let the current take this ship out to sea. By you gripping and holding onto the rope, you are going to fall from the pier. You are showing us your bloodied hands and your face is weathered. She is gathering her strength from your pain. Don't let her see you saddened by this any longer.

Whoever or whatever is changing her mind and causing her to be so obstinate will soon take it's toll. Just make sure that it is not taking it's toll on you.

You are a victim of this situation. Don't let it destroy you. The pain is deep and no one is belittling that. We just want to see you stand tall, brush away the dirt, and walk forward. 

Stay strong.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks DS, I'll try....


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Geez not a clue I feel like an a&& now saying what I had to be grateful for when you are hurting. I just meant to say that given the way you are being treated I just think overall you have handled it with grace. I think sometimes I just am numb from all of this for two and a half months now. The divorce care thing is usually in a church but it is a national organization and its online divorcecare.com so you can find a location near you. I know you are suffering right now. My husband actually said to me one time before he moved "how many different ways do I have to tell you I dont want to be married to you" OUCH.. and many more hateful things so I know where your coming from. I am so up and down still that I could be bawling tomm. I really did loose my best friend and that is pain. Anyway just know everyone here is on your side. We are pulling for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks for your kind words noidea, I know what you mean't so don't worry.... I want you to know I share your hurt and will be praying for your complete recovery.

This is for you :

"After a While"

"After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul.
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company isn't security.
(Kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises.)

After awhile you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
And you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain 
and the inevitable has a way of crumbling in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you stand too long in one place.

So, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers.
And you learn you really can endure,
that you really do have worth.
You learn that with every good-bye comes the dawn."

Anonymous


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

notaclue,

Man, I really feel for you as I feel the same way.. the hurt never stops, and my mind cannot shake it. Despair really sucks, but we have to "man up" and take this one day at a time, knowing we will be just alittle stronger every day.... eventually, hopefully.. this too will pass..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I hope so cpt confused . I talked to my W tonight and she just exploded. She wants a divorce and wants me to quit talking about counseling. She has had it and it's "over". I still am not sure what she has had it with - the lifestyle she got to live ?, the security ?. the love we provided. I'm not perfect, I have my faults, but she really went over the edge tonight. I can't talk to her anymore because she thinks I'm trying to 'manipulate" her.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Very sweet post not a clue. Words to start living by. This is a club that is not for the faint of heart. Did you read that book by dobson yet? " Love must be tough" its pretty good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry noidea I have not. I read the reviews however and I need to order it. I'm also looking for one of those divorce care groups.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue - 

One thing we have to remember is that we cannot fix our wives. They have the inner demons they are dealing with, and no matter what we say, we cannot change them. The only thing we can control is ourselves. We have to be the best we can be, and hope that they come around... It's the best we can do....

Stay strong...


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> Notaclue -
> 
> One thing we have to remember is that we cannot fix our wives. They have the inner demons they are dealing with, and no matter what we say, we cannot change them. The only thing we can control is ourselves. We have to be the best we can be, and hope that they come around... It's the best we can do....
> 
> Stay strong...


Very true and well said.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well DS and Cpt C, I'm trying to stay strong. When my daughter said she cried until 3:00am last night and is stressed out, I got angry. Angry that my W the women I loved would do this to our daughter. I am really getting an attitude. I know my W is taking her out to dinner and trying to spend a lot of time with her, but I don't think that helps much. My W has destroyed my daughter's family and world, no other doubt about it.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Not a clue I totally feel your anger. My son told his Dad today that he was lonely sometimes and my husband told him he could come see him anytime. However he has been gone since nov30th and has not taken him to his apt or anything. Just taking a kid to school is not parenting. Im telling you now these people have lost their ever loving minds. They are so rapped up in what they want that thats all they can see. ME ME ME. I mean if you are a man of faith you know all sin originates from being selfish. " I am just a big a sinner as anybody " but I swear I just dont understand their mentality at all. My H thinks the kids are just fine its like he has lost the ability to put himself in someone elses shoes. Im just sick of the whole thing it makes me nauseated when I think of mr. Carefree over there in his apt while the rest of us are trying to do the hard work of being a family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I agree, it's like they lost their minds Noidea. I just can't understand how she could do this to my D, who she truly loves. My D is going back to school in about 10 days and I'm afraid she will just give up and drop out. 

These people are selfish and so self involved they don't care who they hurt or how they do it. My W at this point is a TOXIC person and as much as I love her, I'm starting to get angry.

Forgot to add: speaking of faith my wife is a religious person so help me understand how whe can break sacred vows like it's no big deal ? I am a sinner also, but I would never cast the first stone.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I'm going to the counselor tommorrow and I'm not really sure I want to go. Rehashing all this stuff is getting harder and I'm not sure what good it will do. I'll give it another try but I'm thinking this site is probably better as people here are going thru the same things.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think its because they are in a total state of denial and are completely ignoring their conscience. Thats the only way they can do this. I know when I have told a few select people about the whole situation they are in complete shock so its not just us. Who walks away from their family. I mean Im telling you I never dreamed in a million years my husband would do this. I am convinced its because he has fallen so hard for this girl that it totally consumes him. I can see that from the phone records. And what ever it is with your wife its the same its consuming her. In other words its become an obsession. I guess they had been thinking about it so long the divorce or whatever that they have brainwashed their ownselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes they must have been thinking of their new lives. Wonder if they ever gave one thought our even cared about the families and spouses they ruined ? You are right they are "consumed" and are doing stupid things w/o thinking.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yes no clue I am having one of those days Im just so mad. I pulled of the road just to text this im so mad. I just dropped my son off at church and im driving and im thinking another reason im so mad is because how long were they lying to our faces when they were saying I love you uuuggghh...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Oh sorry i am on a rant I just screamed alot driving in the car and feel somewhat better. There is just no easy way to deal with this. I know all the things Im supposed to be doing but sometimes you just feel like your tired of trying so hard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

It's ok to be angry and vent and I'm happy you pulled off the road to text and didn't get into a wreck. Take 10 deep breaths and then think of something that really makes you happy.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

noideato20 said:


> Oh sorry i am on a rant I just screamed alot driving in the car and feel somewhat better. There is just no easy way to deal with this. I know all the things Im supposed to be doing but sometimes you just feel like your tired of trying so hard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't give up noidea, you are stronger than he is and a better person and you know it. There is no easy way to deal with this and I realize that I tend to overanalyze and overthink so much that I'm up all night, while my W is sleeping well. 

I haven't reached the angry stage yet like you but I will soon I'm sure. I'm just so tired and fatigued from the sorrow and heartache.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Ok so back to you. Why dont you think you want to do couseling tomm? Also I dont think your D will drop school, It may make her more determined than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I talked to a counselor a few days ago and I felt like a lab experiment. I wonder if these people really care.... Maybe this one will be better. I'm tired of crying also. LOL. 

My D is really high strung and gets pretty upset easily and I worry about her - this is the worst thing that has ever happened to her and I'm afraid she will lose focus. I spoke to her about it a lot.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Yeah I hear you with the crying. Maybe the counselor will be better this time. At least its one on one. I think that sounds better more private.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

I think if you just keep talking to your daughter she will be ok. Not really about the divorce but just someone there for her. My 17 year old is the hardest because boys dont like to talk anyway. I just try everyday to see if he needs to say anything. I have told him I know you are hurting, Talk to me, Talk to dad or friends but talk to someone.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

My daughter won't talk.... she is really having a hard time.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Noidea and NC,

You both have described my feelings to a tee! Im so tired of being sad that I start to get angry - then sad again... I just want to ..scream!!!

It kills me that they can just go around like nothing is wrong, and everything is right with their world while ours i crumbling...

I think you guys are on to something though... I think the new things they have found - in my wifes case Facebook - have consumed them to the point of addiction (all my wife does is play mafia wars and talk on facebook in her room - like a little kid)... I know she is addicted

Now I find myself wondering if I would take her back right now even is she did a 180??? I know I would, but it would take a lot of work...

I even tried to go out tonight with a friend - hit a few restaurants and clubs (where I live in Florida is very busy in season) but I hated it... I always enjoyed being out with my wife, I just could hardly stand being out with my bud... even though there were beautiful women all around us, none of them were my wife... and I cried all the way home..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey CPT, I don't know about you buts it's to cold to go out where I'm at. 

We are the source of all their problems and now everything is going to be right. I feel like there are partners that either fate or God has decided we should be with the rest of our lives and when the bond is broken it can never be made right again. Obviously they don't feel the same way.....


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well no clue that does worry me. I will have to think on that one maybe I will ask My 24 yr old daughter. You know she needs to talk because this has to be very traumatic for her. Oh it makes you wanna scream.

Sorry cpt. Looks like we are all having a crappy day. Im seperated and no contact for a month now and like I said before I feel no growth at all today. Divorce care on monday I guess. We havent even brought the word up since he left. As far as the pretty girls I dont doubt that a bit. You are still IN LOVE with your wife, I am still IN LOVE with my husband, no clue is still IN LOVE with his wife, In love means active love and if all of us arnt active I dont know what is.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes Noidea we are all in love with our spouses, but there is nothing we can do and at some point they will not deserve our love anymore. When we finally come out on the other side of all this, they can have our pity.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Hey you guys today at aroun 4 oclock it was 71 degrees and now its 34....west texas. Sorry that was kind of random.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

71??? thats a heat wave!!! Im in SW Florida and it only got to 50!! longest cold snap in 35 years here i am told.... probably has something to do with our spouses attitudes... the butterfly effect or some other weird chaos theory could prove it im sure...


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Exactly!!!!!!


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Hey CPT, I don't know about you buts it's to cold to go out where I'm at.
> 
> We are the source of all their problems and now everything is going to be right. I feel like there are partners that either fate or God has decided we should be with the rest of our lives and when the bond is broken it can never be made right again. Obviously they don't feel the same way.....


it was cold, but I am pretty far south....which is why i moved here as i hate cold


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm in West Central FL it's now 32 and will go down to 25. Cpt you must be down there on the coast ? Noidea when I think of West Texas I think of El Paso. Used to go there and Juarez a lot on Business years ago.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> 71??? thats a heat wave!!! Im in SW Florida and it only got to 50!! longest cold snap in 35 years here i am told.... probably has something to do with our spouses attitudes... the butterfly effect or some other weird chaos theory could prove it im sure...


That's it the Butterfly effect !! Because my W mentioned something small I did 22 years ago that I apologized for long ago as one reason she is leaving. So a small effect long ago causes a tsunami 22 years later. No I'm not kidding.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I believe it... it always seems like the most insignificant things cause the largest effects over time....


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

No dont think El Paso. Think Lubbock and Amarillo. The main reason I was given was that I never put him first. Everyone guess what I said to that.... okay ill tell you. I said well your first now arnt you first over all five of us. I wish I was in Florida right now. A part of me wishes he was in Florida too.........being chased by an alligator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> I'm in West Central FL it's now 32 and will go down to 25. Cpt you must be down there on the coast ? Noidea when I think of West Texas I think of El Paso. Used to go there and Juarez a lot on Business years ago.


Yep - gulf coast... its beautiful, but I had frost on my car this morning....FROST.. that sh*t ain't right!!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

We have lots of Gators that would love to chase him. Wait until it warms up a bit , supposed to see even more cold air thru this weekend. They are even talking about snow this weekend.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Went to a counselor today. She really wants to talk to my wife even if my wife would come in alone. I will ask her again but I doubt she will. She is being such a hard head about this. 

She was talking about moving out last night. So this is getting very depressing. I'm not sure I can do anything at this point. My lawyer would actually like to save the marriage and has a few things he wants to try - I doubt those will work either but I guess we will see.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not, 
you are doing something - you are getting counselling seeing lawyers etc.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well its not to often you get a lawyer that wants to save your marriage. Like k said you are doing something and it looks like now the balls in her court. Did you feel any better after talking to the counselor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Actually I did Noidea, she was very perceptive and believes that my W may be suffering from clinical depression and she thinks that things will not be better for my W after the D. She really wants to talk to her and see if she can treat her. My W will have none of it, but I'll ask... 

Yes Knortoh, it actually helps talking to different people, even though it may not change the outcome. I have never seen my W like this - there is no backing down. She is adamant about this.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Forgot to add Noidea the lawyer is an old hand that's seen it all and he said my W has no idea of the crazy things that happen in marriages and that a lot of women should be so lucky. Made me feel better a little, but he did say once a women has her mind made up about divorce...... you know the rest.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Well Im glad you feel a little better. I have no doubt that she will wake up one day and see the huge mistake that she has made. The problem is you will probably have moved on by then even though you dont feel like that now. I still feel like the spouses that do this have spent months and months repeating this in their heads and when they finally have the couarage to tell us it triggers something and they cant go back. I remember the day my husband first told me and there was a big fight at one point he was crying and he said what did I do but it was too late because then he felt like he had to stick with it I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Exactly, they have made up their minds and think that they can't change them.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Off topic: but it's supposed to snow here on Saturday. I guess hell did finally freeze over.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Thats rich notaclue. I wish it would freeze over here. Its pretty cold though in the twentys the high for the week is about 50. I am so glad tomm is friday. I live for the weekend. Got some painting to do and im gonna stay busy. Idle mind and all that. How is your daughter today?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

She's OK I guess notaclue, stopped by at noon while I was on the way out and we talked for a few minutes. I'm not sure how I'll handle the weekend and if I'll get a chance to talk to my W again. I'm getting tired of talking to a brick wall. 

She went out with the girls tonight ... so what can I say. This whole situation to her is just a speed bump.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Supposed to be 27 here for a low so thats not as bad as your neck of the woods.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's wonderful that you have people on your side...the lawyer and the counselor. Folks that want to see your marriage repaired.

However, I want to caution you that she will probably be defensive and have an answer for all of their questions. If not, she'll promptly make one up.

You can't make her stay or work on things..that the hard part. Giving up that you can convince, beg or plead her back into the marriage.

She has to figure out things on her own. 

Do what you are doing...this will be a long haul.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I know on a rational level you are absolutely correct CW - even if she went to the counselor, God knows what she would say. I also realize now that I can't convince her of anything. I guess I'm resigned to let the brutal process grind to the end. 

The emotional part is what is clouding my judgement. It's just so hard to give up all hope.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not, Cw is giving you good advice 
you will find all sorts of people to help and advise and you will need them and develop interesting freindships throughout -
but your w won't see reason - not now
the frustrating part for us whose partners have left 'good' realtionships is that we feel that if they could just open their eyes and see sense it would be ok
they can't 
I don't know why
this has been building with your wife for a while no doubt 
it won't be undone quickly
my counsellor told me a year or so ago that it was a marathon I was running not a sprint -
this was depressing but good advice 
it is early days for both of you 
get in the zone
stay hydrated 
lsiten to your cheer squad 
you can do it 
we are just a little further down the track than you....


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC... since our wives seem to be suffering from the same afflictions... Here is a snippet of advise I found on the web...

If your spouse is having a midlife crisis, there is no action you can take. You are in a situation where taking no action at all is the best way to respond. You may not be able to save your spouse from his/her midlife crisis but there are actions you can take that will save you and your children from being drawn into his/her crisis.

Focus on Your Behavior, Not His/Her Behavior:

You will have to force yourself to stop thinking about his/her behavior. Do not think about what your spouse is doing or whom he/she is doing it with. Accept that you have no control over anyone’s behaviors but your own.

Let go of the need to “do something.” You can’t do anything for a spouse who is suffering from a midlife crisis unless they come to you for help. If they do not come to you for help, do not offer help or advice. Help yourself because you can bet the last thing on your spouse’s mind is helping or advising you in anyway.

Do not allow his/her behavior to cause conflict in your life. Set boundaries with what kind of behavior you will accept and stick to those boundaries. No long, drawn out conversations about what you will not put up with. Lovingly tell your spouse what is and isn’t acceptable and what you will do if they behave in unacceptable ways.

Learn how to process your emotions in a healthy way. You are dealing with an irrational spouse, it is important that you be able to remain calm and centered…for your sake and those of your children.

Work on building good self-esteem. If all you can focus on nothing but what he/she is doing then you’ve got self-esteem issues. You need to learn that regardless of what your spouse does, you will be fine.

Stay active and engaged in life. Go out at least once a week with friends. Remain involved in church. Take an art class. Do SOMETHING you find pleasure in and fills you up spiritually and emotionally.

If you and your spouse are separated, do not call him/her. Do not initiate conversations about the problems in the marriage. Do not tell your spouse how much you love them and want them to come home. DO NOT appear needy to your midlife crisis spouse. The more they believe you need them and can’t do without them the more comfortable they are in pulling away from you.

If you and your spouse are still living in the same home, be courteous but don’t spend time in the same room unless he/she requests your company. Busy yourself in a different part of the home. The less contact you have with the person causing you emotional harm the better you will feel.

DO NOT make plans that include your spouse. If he/she has shown you through their behavior that they no longer want to act “married” then don’t expect him/her to want to engage in family outings or catch a movie with you. Live your life with your children as if you are single.

If he/she is having problems with his relationship with the children, it is not your responsibility to fix those problems. Your spouse may see any help you offer as interference. Your midlife crisis spouse is looking for any reason to be angry with you and blame you. Stay out of the middle of the relationship with his/her children and that will be one less thing to blame on you.

DO NOT defend yourself against any accusations your spouse makes. Pushing your buttons and putting you on the defensive is exactly what your spouse wants. If he/she makes an outrageous accusation say, “whatever” and remove yourself from the conversation. They will soon learn that your buttons can’t be pushed.

DO NOT suggest marital therapy but if he/she makes the suggestion be willing to attend. Take it from me, if you are going to talk issues with someone going through a midlife crisis it is best to do so in front of a trained marital counselor.
If you, at any time feel you are unable to handle the situation emotionally seek help from your physician. It is not uncommon for the spouse of someone going through a midlife crisis to sink into a depression. If this is the case, get help and medication if needed.

Focus on what is good in your life. In the midst of problems, it can be hard to stay aware that we are blessed in so many ways. Stop daily, look around you, and count your blessings. If you will pay close attention, you will see that, regardless of your spouse’s crisis, you have many thinks to be thankful for.
Take action when you are feeling powerless. When your spouse is making choices that have a negative affect on your life and your children’s lives you have options. You can always take legal action that will protect yourself, your children and your marital assets. Protecting yourself and your children from the irrational behavior of a midlife crisis spouse is imperative.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> I know on a rational level you are absolutely correct CW - even if she went to the counselor, God knows what she would say. I also realize now that I can't convince her of anything. I guess I'm resigned to let the brutal process grind to the end.
> 
> The emotional part is what is clouding my judgement. It's just so hard to give up all hope.


What a wonderful group we have here. Everyone has found a way to be so harmonious and unite as one voice. This is seriously some great group therapy! NC, I hope that you see that you are not alone in this fight. You have a support and cheering section all of your own. You have to have faith and you have to believe. 

Right now, you are playing chess with your wife. You have got to align yourself so that you can come out of this with a little damage as possible. You already know that there is going to be a huge loss in many ways, but you are going to have to try to keep it to a minimum.

There is no way that she could spend as many years with you that she has and go through life and not recall anything. When she finally realizes that you are no longer there, taking her phone calls, offering up words of encouragement, tending to her wounds, or just there to love her... then it will hit her and hit her hard. Right now, this is a game to her. Don't fall prey to it.

Don't stand there and take those punches either. You can fight back and you are going to have to fight back. When everything really gets rolling, you are going to see a side of her that you never thought possible. Try not to let all of this consume you. She's going to spend a lot of energy in trying to hurt you and make you feel less of a man. You are going to have to stand tall.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks DS, I appreciate your encouragement - God knows that's the one thing I need now when the whole world is collapsing in on me. I do feel like punching bag - nice analogy.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not,
you are doing good
one thing that helps me is remembering that although we feel like our whole world in collapsing we are still in control of ourselves 
it may not seem like much at the moment
but it is true
take care


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Knortoh for your kind words. 

Some days you can't win. I gave my wife a rose and a card today after work. My daughter was in the other room and started crying so now my W is really mad at me for putting my D in the middle. My D was texting on her phone and watching TV so I didn't think she even noticed.... Geez I can't do anything right anymore. I just give up.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

oh not,
I feel for you 
please please doen't take your wife's cr** at the moment
your d isn't upset that you gave your wife a present 
she's upset that her whole world is shifting because her mum has changed 
you may feel like giving up 
but you won't 
but you may have to begin putting self-preservation at the top of your list each day
it feels wrong
it feels so wrong
we are used to thinking as part of a team 
we are used to offering our partners support and love (roses) when they are mad/angry/hurt
this behaviour won't help now 
it will lead to more hurt/more blame

can I tell you what really happened?
you gave your wife the card - she felt guilty and so got angry and attacked....by blaming you

the sad reason I know this is because this is just how they behave...

can you move out until things are sorted?


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Knortoh, yeah she probably felt guilty and attacked. I'm not moving out as I've decided to keep the house and I don't want my W to say I abandoned them. Yes I guess it's time to start working on taking care of my interests. I feel like I have a dark cloud over me all the time and I can't see any sunshine...


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

completely understandable to be feeling like this 
I am glad that you are keeping the house 
when is she going?
she should leave ASAP if she is so clear about her decision
I know you may not feel like pressing this issue 
but it is just a suggestion as to something which may be in your interest....
take care


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thats the problem, I don't want her to leave, but I know you are right. I'm too emotional about my W and the past 30 years. It's just so hard. I'm not coping to well and I read that men take it harder than women with things like this. I understand now when people say they would rather die than go thru a divorce.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I know you are waiting for HER to make the move and leave. IN my opinion, based up my experience, the sooner she moves out the better. It will give her the taste of reality.

The sooner the reality check, the sooner she has a chance to wake up. She may not but it increases your odds-I feel. Or, you end up dragging it along and breaking down the relationship further.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Not a clue I totally agree with corpus and K she needs to go. My h was at the house after he dropped the bomb. I made it about 45 days and then he had to go. If I wasnt begging him to stay I was mad as he%%. It will eventually take a mental toll on you. They say they need space and after they tell you that your the one that needs space. If she stays she will just continue to make you feel more and more rejected. You dont need that right now. This doesnt have alot to do with you at this point. She is unhappy on the inside and you didnt fix her unhappiness so now shes blaming you. They dont care how many people they step on in the process. Take care of you. She had time to prepare you didnt, so you cant be expected to treat her with kid gloves after she dropped this on your lap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

You guys are right.....It's only been 10 days so I guess I'll start to get mad pretty soon. My Lawyer called hers today so I expect the fireworks to start next week. I told her that things would not be about love anymore when lawyers are involved - it's only about money to them. Warren Zevon's song just keeps playing thru my head:

YouTube - Warren Zevon Lawyers, Guns and Money


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CW, the taste of reality is what she wants actually. Life is hard and anyone wanting to go it alone at our age is nuts if they have someone that loves them and will do anything for them. She also had security and nothing to worry about. I still don't understand what the hell she wants. I feel like I'm standing on my head looking at everything upside down.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

She says she wants the taste of reality. Right! She needs to get it! Give her what she wants.

I understand what a long term marriage is and trying to save it does to your psyche. I was married 25 years and divorced this week. 

It's the hardest thing you'll have to do...tell her to go. Let her have her reality check.


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

No clue. I spent alot of time reading on the velvet hammer site today. It made me feel alot better. Stronger. More realistic about my situation. One thing I got loud and clear is we are not meant to be with the person that hurt us like this. They dont cherish us and we, everyone that is fighting or has fought like we have deserves to be cherished. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

So true noidea, but it wasn't always like this - she loved me for so long and to be like this now is a shock. I guess it's not God's plan for us to be together forever like I thought it was.

Glad you liked the site, it has really helped me also.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Man... I feel your pain..
You dont want your wife to leave - I dont want mine to leave..

I know (and you probably do too) that it is only a matter of time before they do.. So what do you do? I have been trying to make our time together enjoyable, but that is not working real well.. Now I am just being nice - sometimes I get nice in return - sometimes I get the demon that has possessed my wife...

I think the more nice things we try to do for them, the weaker and less secure they see us.. I really didn't think too much about this until I had to deal with a new employee yesterday... It gave me some insight...

My company has inherited an employee (we will call him Bill) from a new account we have. This employee has a low skill level and is overpaid for his knowledge level - he knows it. So we hire an expert (we will call him Carl) to work alongside this guy... So I bring the new guy Carl in yesterday and Bill asks to speak to me privately... he asks me in a very meek voice - "Is this guy better than me?" I almost laughed, but I could see the stress on his face so I kept my composure - Come to find out he tells me he is very anxious and hasn't been sleeping well because he is stressed about his job...while I felt compassion for him, I surely didn't get the feeling that this guy would be long term - his insecure and anxious attitude was not very becoming...

So I wonder if we look that way to our wives?? When we pursue and act timid like a beaten dog - if so, then I can see why it is not attractive.. We got to be strong. We have to be confident.. confident that no matter what - we will be OK - either with them or without them - it's their choice... we we WILL be OK....


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

it's difficult not to feel as though it is all about 
respect...
and power sometimes 
you are rejected and reacting as a human being (hurt) and you show this and that makes you unworthy of respect? 
I really don't know guys -
I do know you feel better if you can avoid showing how hurt you are 
and of course being clear about what you want
and don't want...
I am grappling with this issue exactly - and so it cuts across both men and women....


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

Just checking on you no clue. I think its pitiful when caring for someone is shown as a sign of weakness. I know I must have looked like someone holding on to my husbands leg while he walked out the door. For me it was better when he left because if he stayed I was going to continue to try and fix the situation. I wish more than anything that there would be more equity when these things happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I can't help but feel that 30 years of all we went thru is down the drain. She just feels like it's a closed chapter - time to move on...

I know from listening to all of you here that I may never know the true reason. But thanks to all of your support and reading about your experiences, I'm learning how to deal with it all. 

My W said to me the other night that I was the only person that she ever knew that always "got back up" when he was knocked down. But this time it is so overwhelming it just feels like the last straw. I'm just so tired....


----------



## noideato20 (Oct 27, 2009)

You get back up because you deserve it. I started out my morning writing a nasty letter to my husband which he will never see just so I could started on my day. Dont feel like thirty years wasted, I know thats very hard but just think of all the things you have become in those years, loving husband, loving father, provider, counselor. None of that is a waste and contributes to who you are today. I know you are tired too. Rest some today do something for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Noidea , I will write a letter to my W today also that she will never see. Good idea. Then I think I'll take a long drive. Can't walk 'cause it's 34 and raining hard now - no snow like we thought just rain.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks Noidea , I will write a letter to my W today also that she will never see. Good idea. Then I think I'll take a long drive. Can't walk 'cause it's 34 and raining hard now - no snow like we thought just rain.


Wow... you had 34 degrees today? I think that is what we've had where I am in the Sunshine State as well. Right now, it's a crisp 29 degrees out and the temps are still dropping!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey DS how are you doing today ? It's 28 and dropping to 22 with a wind chill of 10. WOW too cold for me. My daughter's little dog loves it and the cold makes him crazy wild. 

My wife was gone all day came in at 10:00 tonight and went to bed . So I didn't really say a word to her all day. Overall a pretty good day with no drama. LOL. She is avoiding me now I guess - can't deal with the guilt maybe. Who knows what she is thinking.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Wow - its 35 here now, its the coldest I have ever seen it here ( I am pretty far south in the sunshine state).


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well in Ft Myers it's supposed to go down to 28 so maybe you will get some snow down there also.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Hey DS how are you doing today ? It's 28 and dropping to 22 with a wind chill of 10. WOW too cold for me. My daughter's little dog loves it and the cold makes him crazy wild.
> 
> My wife was gone all day came in at 10:00 tonight and went to bed . So I didn't really say a word to her all day. Overall a pretty good day with no drama. LOL. She is avoiding me now I guess - can't deal with the guilt maybe. Who knows what she is thinking.


I'm doing well.. thank you. I'm in Orlando, and at the time of this writing, it is 29 degrees. I'm afraid to check the wind chill. All I know is that it is too damn cold for Florida! Bundle up and stay warm cpt_confused and notaclue!!


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Man thats cold... Im in Naples and its 34...that's just crazy!!!!


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks Noidea , I will write a letter to my W today also that she will never see.


God. how many have been there?!?!

and how we wished we could show her the letter. 

"here. this is what i FEEL. yes, i FEEL too! just like you. just like everyone! and today i FEEL like sh*t. and sometimes it just feels that way.

but they never see the letter. we hide behind our pride, and lose traction along the way.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I spoke to her this morning and she wouldn't want a letter at this point , she just wants the D and the money. She said she no longer loves me and anything I do or say will make no difference to her. So I am resigned to the fact that she will never try to reconcile. Very sad really , but what can I do.... She has changed over the last few years and has really adopted a hard attitude so I know I can't change her mind. 

She believes the grass is greener on the other side and even if it isn't she is the type of person that will convince herself it is. 

I will still write the letters , but she will never see them. They do seem to help.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Whether or not she ever comes back... you're chipping away at her. A lot of things are recent and she may be hard to deal with in getting her to listen, but she is listening. You'll know that she's listening because some day she will repeat the very things that you are saying to her now.

There is a Zen saying that I like and I try to abide by. "Sitting quietly, doing nothing, Spring comes, and the grass grows by itself."


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I hope she is listening DS, but it sure doesn't seem like it. We will be divorced thats for sure. I can't stop the freight train she is driving and she has made that very clear. 

I truly hope some day she realizes what she has done and the destruction she has caused. This is all so sad and unfortunate and I'm afraid she is not looking at the long term consequences of what she is doing. This never had to happen. 

I am resigned to being alone for the rest of my life, I hope she is also. 

I like the Zen saying. For now I will sit quietly...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Notaclue: For months, I was speaking to my counselor, regarding the path that my H was on. It was a path in which he could not be detoured. There was no derailing him or if he "seemed" to stop and think, he'd be back on the path soon. 

My counselor discussed the analogy of a woman that wanted to get married. She was on the marriage path. No matter what, she's pick out a so-so guy and make allowances to marry this guy. No matter what her family/friends would say, regarding this guy, she wouldn't listen. She wouldn't listen to their apprehenssion of his character, or how he didn't have a full time job, or how he wasn't that nice to her family. She makes excuses and blames them. She is determined to marry this guy. She does. Then all hell breaks loose-eventually.

On our spouses path, they don't listen to reason. They are determined. They think they've thought it all out. The kids/family question their decision. Our spouses have the answers and have the blame. 

It won't be the same for them. They have to find out, on their own, that the path gets muddy.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I know you are right CW, it's just a lousy way for them to find out what they have done and the damage they cause is immeasurable. The path will indeed get muddy. Thanks for the post as I was really feeling down today. Your encouragement and message really helped.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

That's a great analogy CW. Very useful.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I went the lawyer this pm and if W wants to be on the divcorce path and wants to take the muddy path I can't stop her. I'm just going to try to get this thing over as soon as possible for her and for my sanity. After several attempts to reason with her, it's clear she no longer loves me, or should I say "she loves me but is no longer in love" whatever that means. She may not have an OM as this point, nor do I have any idea what or who she has designs on. Not that I care. But it seems to me she is in rush to get this done and I find that very interesting. When I look into her eyes I see nothing but dollar signs.... so sad. 

The sad part is that my Daughter is in the middle even though my W doesn't think it affects her. It does, nothing can ever be the same.

At this point I just want to keep the lawyer costs as low as possible, since in effect I'm paying for both.... This really is depressing. 

I truly hope there is such a thing as Karma.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not,
This has happened really quickly for you.
But you are only a little way through the 'story'. 
The remaining chapters for you and your wife are yet to be revealed.

They do get what they 'deserve'. Call it karma - call it making your bed. 

What use is money if you no longer have the respect and admiration of your daughter?

Keep on reminding yourself of your story. 
You acted honourably in the marriage, you were there for her, 
you lived your life as though you had the life-long partner you thought you had....

It may not seem like comfort at the moment 
but her leaving doesn't diminish you or your life story


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks knortoh, I am really feeling down with all of this and I hope someday my daughter sees that I was the honorable one. I also hope it doesn't diminsh my legacy with my D, I don't want her to choose and I still want her to love her mother. 

I truly hope Karma comes knocking on W's door someday and she sees what she has done. I have my doubts though.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

In time... everything will work itself out. Your daughter is feeling a loss in a different way. The road that you both are on will be very rocky at times. So get ready for a lot of hugs and dinners out. Just keep the lines of communication open with your daughter, and she will draw her own conclusions.

Right now, you need to keep focused and it is also important for you to stay lucid. Prepare yourself for some surprises.

As always... keep posting.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Dreaded_Soulja said:


> Right now, you need to keep focused and it is also important for you to stay lucid. Prepare yourself for some surprises.
> 
> As always... keep posting.


Well I tried to talk with her some this morning and she blew up, so I am at my witts end with her. She seems to be in a mode to lash out at anything I say. I can't even communicate with her. She has never been like this in her life. 

So yes DS, I'm afraid of more surprises and have a great fear she will do something else at this point. And it won't be good.  

At this point, I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. :scratchhead:


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You wife is feeling the pain of her behavior. She will lash out to you and others...probably complete strangers as well. MY ex-H did an still does. They look foolish.

I know you don't trust her behavior or judgement since its out of character. I'm the same way with my ex-H. Before the divorce, I would tell him..."I am speaking with a person that is totally different than a year ago. I'm not sure that I can trust you or your judgement." He would look like a deer in headlights. 

Keep your chin up and keep on preparing for the worse.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CW, my D has being trying to call her all night and she isn't answering and I have no idea where she is either. It's just so out of character. My D is in tears now....


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Just confort her and tell her that her mother needs to find her way. Almost like a teenager or young adult! It's nothing that anyone has done...it's their confusion about their own lives. 

That the difficulty in trying to explain things when there isn't truly an explanation.

To this day, over 15 months later....6 months of separation and a recent divorce, I am no closer to an explanation. I may never get one.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good thing to tell my D in a very nice way CW, I will. 

Funny isn't it how we will never know what our EX's are really thinking ? Every time I ask I get another confusing answer that makes even less sense than the previous excuse. 

I think my W has gone off the deep end, but I could never tell her that now. She is so defensive and sure of herself. She even said she didn't really care about the destruction and carnage she is going to cause. Wow I can't even fathom the path she is on.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Something I have been thinking about following something my new lawyer said to me -
they don't care about the destruction because they somehow think that they 'deserve' to put themselves first - that they 'must' put themselves first....
and yes - they say anything and everything - I have tried to clear my brain of all the cr** that came out of my H's mouth....
I know it's hard but don't engage with her -


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

So true Knortoh, so true. Nothing she says makes sense and she is starting to hurt my Daughter which I can't stand. She is now staying out late at night and refusing to talk to me or answer any of my Daughter's calls. This really upsets my Daughter. 

I am starting to get angry now.....but I'm doing my best to disengage from the whole thing and let the ship leave the harbor as DS says. I have enough rope burns from trying to hold onto the line and I know I can't keep the ship from going out to sea.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
This is a very special type of madness called being in love. It rarely ends well. Focus on your daughter, yourself and your finances. You are wise to stay away from the crazy lady as she is toxic to herself and others at the moment. 





Notaclue said:


> So true Knortoh, so true. Nothing she says makes sense and she is starting to hurt my Daughter which I can't stand. She is now staying out late at night and refusing to talk to me or answer any of my Daughter's calls. This really upsets my Daughter.
> 
> I am starting to get angry now.....but I'm doing my best to disengage from the whole thing and let the ship leave the harbor as DS says. I have enough rope burns from trying to hold onto the line and I know I can't keep the ship from going out to sea.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Yes she is toxic for sure. She is playing some kind of mind games at the moment and I don't understand or have any energy left to deal with her. This is all so exhausting for all of us that are going thru these childish games with our spouses and EX's.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
This is why folks go to LC (and just discuss schedule stuff). And then all the money stuff is done through the lawyers. And you need a lawyer now because you are understandably depressed. Trying to understand her awful behavior will just make you more depressed. Most likely at some point it will all get explained and possibly she will be the one crying then. 

In the meantime you need to protect your sanity so your child has at least one functioning parent  

The type of person who is capable of stimulating this amount of love heroin (endorphins) in a 50 year old woman is very high on charm and fun and very low on substance and follow through. That type of person tends to be very unstable in some rather ugly ways. I think your wife will end up feeling like you do except she will also feel the awful weight of responsibility for it. 

Stay strong - be your daughters rock. 



Notaclue said:


> Yes she is toxic for sure. She is playing some kind of mind games at the moment and I don't understand or have any energy left to deal with her. This is all so exhausting for all of us that are going thru these childish games with our spouses and EX's.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks MEM, I do have a lawyer but I don't know if she has someone else. I don't know for sure and don't really care. That's really her business at this point and won't change the situation. I wouldn't put anything past her, but won't spend the time or money to find out.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I understand. I only mentioned the lawyer from the standpoint of having someone professional acting in your financial best interests.



Notaclue said:


> Thanks MEM, I do have a lawyer but I don't know if she has someone else. I don't know for sure and don't really care. That's really her business at this point and won't change the situation. I wouldn't put anything past her, but won't spend the time or money to find out.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - I feel for you.. It really blows to feel so helpless - and to watch someone we love basically throw their entire life away because they are not happy with themselves..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

That about sums it up. She didn't come home again tonight so who knows what she is up to. My Daughter is pretty upset.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Man - I am sorry.. I know that hurts.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It is very important you don't chastise your wife for how her behavior effects your daughter. In her current delusional state that simply makes her feel manipulated and she is going to be even MORE toxic in that mode. Simply tell her she needs to communicate when she will not be home to your child to minimize surprises and unneeded worrying. 



Notaclue said:


> That about sums it up. She didn't come home again tonight so who knows what she is up to. My Daughter is pretty upset.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good idea Mem, I will tell her tonight. The least she can do is talk to my daughter.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - 

Getting worried about DS - Haven't seen him post in a few days...:scratchhead:


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> NC -
> 
> Getting worried about DS - Haven't seen him post in a few days...:scratchhead:


Agreed, hope things are gettng better for him and his W.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Agreed, hope things are gettng better for him and his W.


Awwww... thanks guys! I can't tell you enough as to how much I appreciate the care and concern. I'm doing okay and no... my wife is not back with me in my home. But hey, that's okay too!

Sometimes, my profession completely exhausts me and I just need to sleep. When your body calls for sleep... it takes it when it feels the need. Well, my body made that call.

So thank you very much and I am refreshed and back!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hey DS, glad to see you got some sleep. Wish I could sleep. Unfortunately, I just stay awake all night... 

Well l got a letter from my lawyer this pm ...the process has started and I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the train tracks and an Amtrak is hurtling towards me at 100mph. This is the beginning of the end I'm afraid.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Hey DS, glad to see you got some sleep. Wish I could sleep. Unfortunately, I just stay awake all night...
> 
> Well l got a letter from my lawyer this pm ...the process has started and I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the train tracks and an Amtrak is hurtling towards me at 100mph. This is the beginning of the end I'm afraid.


You have no reason to fear the future. This will all work out for the better. Have faith. Sometimes, a little revolution is a good thing. This my friend... will surely set your feet upon the path for better things.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks for the vote of confidence DS, I'm working on trying to get back to normal at work this week and trying to put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks for the vote of confidence DS, I'm working on trying to get back to normal at work this week and trying to put one foot in front of the other. One step at a time.


...and that is all that you or anyone else can do.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well talked to the W tonight to try to understand her motivation. Her only comment was that she didn't feel like I loved her and she didn't love me any longer. I gave her a ton of reasons why I loved her and all the things I do for her. She just blew everything I said off like it never existed. 

She said she was surprised that I am taking this so hard, but she doesn't really care and wants to be single and live alone. So I guess that's it, if she no longer loves me - there is nothing more I can say or do. It's hurts that she is so callous and uncaring. 

My counselor said yesterday that when people change you are not dealing with the same person you think you are. My counselor is convinced that my W's "change in life" is what has precipitated this. She is a new person that has gone to a different place and no one is going to reason with her. My Daughter has even tried with no success. It's like talking to a brick wall. 

So I guess we will meet with the lawyers in the next week. Then find a way for her to leave. I'm heartsick - but I'm not going to show it anymore. There is nothing I can do but protect myself and my daughter from here on out. I am very sad and angry that I am being treated like this. I never did anything in my life that wasn't for my W or my Daughter - but she fails to see it. Funny my daughter sure sees it.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

If you ask her the same question everyday, I'm sure that you will get a different answer everyday. There may not be a valid answer because she may not ever have a valid answer. Have you ever seen a cat run into another room at full speed for no reason whatsoever? They have no clue as to why they ran into that room... they just had to do it! This might be your wife's "logic".

My friend... you are really going to have to take a few steps back and just let this play out. There is nothing that you can say or do that is going to snap her out of this. The tighter you try to hold on, the more she wants to run.

These next few weeks and months are going to be rough and difficult emotionally. Prepare for the worse and hope for the best. Right now, you and your daughter need to be there for each other and help each other through these trying times.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yours is such an extreme case Not, that there is likely to be more strange events in the future....
so baton down the hatches and protect yourself
I am so glad that you and your daughter have eachother
sorry that you are still going through this.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
I am curious about something. There are many people who believe that to a degree the physical side of a marriage is a reflection of how the woman feels about her spouse. If you are willing to answer - how was the physical part of your marriage in the last few years? How often did you initiate? How often did she initiate? Did you two talk about whether or not you were physically happy with each other? 

I simply wonder to what degree this type thing is or is not a predictor of good or not so good things to come. 




Notaclue said:


> Well talked to the W tonight to try to understand her motivation. Her only comment was that she didn't feel like I loved her and she didn't love me any longer. I gave her a ton of reasons why I loved her and all the things I do for her. She just blew everything I said off like it never existed.
> 
> She said she was surprised that I am taking this so hard, but she doesn't really care and wants to be single and live alone. So I guess that's it, if she no longer loves me - there is nothing more I can say or do. It's hurts that she is so callous and uncaring.
> 
> ...


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

DS and Knortoh, I know you guys have been saying this from day one and while I believed you guys , I thought I could get through to her. Well I admit I can't so I will now take you advice and batten down the hatches. The storm is coming and I'm sure that there will be many more surprises. I sure as hell don't trust her anymore.

MEM - hot and cold what more can I say.... 

I appreciate all the input on this board it has sure helped. I'm going to work on distancing myself and self esteem.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

notaclue: We have so much in common as our spouses don't really give us much insight. It's difficult to move through the motions of a divorce without REALLY understanding the reason.

My divorce was final last week, I still am curious if "anything" pops up in the near future. I don't know....at this point the energy that I have spent on this relationship has exhausted me. I am just now beginning to really sleep.

You are doing it right. You won't change her mind.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

So true CW, they just won't open up. I look at my W and wonder what she is really thinking, what is going on in her head ? How can she act this way ? Who is this women ? - not that I'll ever know. 

I have a feeling from reading your posts that down the road your H will crawl back and tell you everything and why he was so wrong and beg for forgiveness. 

I can't sleep - I wake up every hour and look at the clock all night long. I'm glad you have found peace in your life and can now sleep. That is really a big accomplishment where I want to get to someday.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You will gain your peace...I can tell that you are the kind of person that will do well.

It's not easy. I would wake up and immediately pray. I still do that sometimes. 

I don't know...I feel that one day he will want back in. However, it would take guts to ask for forgiveness and want another chance. I am not sure if he has it in him.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

CW you have helped me so much with your insight and bravery through hard times. It was really nice to see that you have survived and are doing so well.. I wish I had half of your strength.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I am sorry you had such a sh1tty day... It is really hard when you spouse will not tell you the reasons behind them wanting to leave... but a question I ask myself is.. not matter what she says - will we believe them? 
We place so much trust in our spouses - I trusted mine more than anyone - business partners, parents, you name it.. she was the only person in the world I trusted 100% - now I am being told I have been lied to for the past couple of years that she wasn't in love with me - similar to your situation... It is such a violation to a sacred trust that how can we believe anything that they say? How can we ever gain that kind of trust with anyone again? How can we trust that ANY excuse they give us for leaving is the true motivation in their heart?

We can't, and that is unfortunate and heartbreaking. We have to pick up the shattered pieces of our lives and try to move on a little bit each day... It is hard - I cry every day, multiple times a day. But each time it is less and less and every day it hurts just a tiny bit less. 
Over time, those tiny bits add up and we will be able to move on.. at least that's my hope...


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> We place so much trust in our spouses - I trusted mine more than anyone - business partners, parents, you name it.. she was the only person in the world I trusted 100% - now I am being told I have been lied to for the past couple of years that she wasn't in love with me - similar to your situation... It is such a violation to a sacred trust that how can we believe anything that they say?


That is a very fair and accurate comment. Well said. We have placed a high amount of trust in our spouse, and when it shows that we were wrong... it's like losing big at the casino. You've rolled snake eyes and now the house is taking your money.

All of this comes from our wedding vows that we have taken. You know... for richer or poorer, for better or worse...blah, blah, blah. The two are to become one. So why wouldn't you put your complete trust into your spouse? You trust them like you would trust yourself... and at times, even more so!

No one can argue that the hurt from the betrayal is beyond words. If it wasn't so bad, then we wouldn't have the group here that we have. The important thing for any of us... for all of us, would be to pick up whatever pieces we can, dust ourselves off, pick ourselves up, and carry on.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Cpt and DS , I guess that's the biggest thing with me now - the betrayal and lies. My W must have been planning this for a few years and now I'm starting to understand the things she did that at the time that made little sense. They are starting to make sense now. I wish she wouldn't have told me she loved me if she really didn't. She "loved" me right up to the day she wanted a divorce...right. I too trusted her more than life itself for so many years. I am heart broken and feel betrayed and lied to. 

I went to the grocery store today with her to get some things for us and for our daughter. I didn't get emotional or didn't talk about anything. I just watched her and she seemed like a robot - devoid of emotion and just going thru the motions. Very agitated and at the same time internally shut off. I looked into her eyes and saw nothing but a blank stare. 

She seemed to try to distance herself from me at every chance, but I could tell that her decision is affecting her. It won't change her mind I am sure, but at the same time maybe she realizes what she is doing and how horrible it is. 

She said she had to go somewhere afterward so I suspect she is going to look for an apt. Our agreement was that we would meet with the Attys and lay out financial ground rules before either of us spent any money. I'm betting she will not wait. I love her but no longer trust her. Same for my daughter - her Mom is not to be trusted and she told my W that to her face. I will forgive my W at some point, but in the back of my mind she betrayed me and I will have a hard time respecting her again.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

A big part of me thinks that we should really just give up on any hope of getting our wives back. As much as we want it, deep down I know it is out of my control and nothing I do will make her change her mind. It is time to embrace the horror, as much as I really really don't want to.

This just really $ucks, that is really all I can say..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I always believed that everything but death was "fixable". But I'm starting to see my marriage as "unfixable" also. I know if I had the old W, it would have been. This new person is someone I don't even know and is so unapproachable I'm afraid there is nothing more I can do. 

Yes I cry and and I am heartbroken, but I can't show her that. Besides she doesn't even care.....It's all about her now.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Came home today and my W is printng out invitations to her birthday party next week. Only I'm not invited and it will be held at a girl friends house. I didn't say anything - but it's a dagger to my heart. I wish I could just move on and things like this didn't affect me so much. I'm too sentimental and romantic I guess.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
This would be an awful, crushing blow to any man after 30 years. Your wife has sadly turned into a not nice person. 




Notaclue said:


> Came home today and my W is printng out invitations to her birthday party next week. Only I'm not invited and it will be held at a girl friends house. I didn't say anything - but it's a dagger to my heart. I wish I could just move on and things like this didn't affect me so much. I'm too sentimental and romantic I guess.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Mem, it was kind of a way for her to shove my face in it I guess. I can tell she is really mad at me and I can't get her to talk. 

Like K said awhile back there will be more surprises. I just can't wait....


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Yes - this was an overtly hostile act. 




Notaclue said:


> Thanks Mem, it was kind of a way for her to shove my face in it I guess. I can tell she is really mad at me and I can't get her to talk.
> 
> Like K said awhile back there will be more surprises. I just can't wait....


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - Sorry to hear that...Thats a real sh1tty thing to do...
had a very bad day myself...I think its time I need to go see a psychiatrist...


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Sorry CPT, I am going to a counselor and it seems to help a little. Just don't expect miracles or a breakthru of any kind and you will do OK. I think this site is actually helping me more.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Yes - this was an overtly hostile act.


Yes it was. I got revenge. I went in her room and kissed her until she laughed and then walked out.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Came home today and my W is printng out invitations to her birthday party next week. Only I'm not invited and it will be held at a girl friends house. I didn't say anything - but it's a dagger to my heart. I wish I could just move on and things like this didn't affect me so much. I'm too sentimental and romantic I guess.


It would be so much easier if we were just robots. You're going to walk over some broken glass barefoot through some flames for a little while. Yeah, it's going to hurt real bad and might even leave a scar or two, but you will heal up and that part of you will be stronger.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Problem is DS , I have been with this women my whole adult life. I don't know anyone else and can't imagine life w/o her. So Yeah I'd like to be a robot and turn the emotions off but it's so hard. I don't think I will escape this with just a few scars considering that she will take my heart and all my retirement funds I have saved all these years. The whole situation just sucks and there is not a thing I can do. Guess I'm kind of down today....


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well my W came home tonight and told me she is moving out in Feb. she got an apt. She then screamed at me and claimed my lawyer was dragging his heels. Then she went postal because I left her a little note saying I was sorry for all the problems in our marriage. She accused me of trying to manipulate her and then screamed some things I can't repeat here. It's like she has gone nuts. From now on no more talking. What a horrible situation - it's just not getting any better.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I love the post below where you kissed her. It is beautiful. 


In year 21 I no longer could say for certain where I end and my wife begins. We ARE fused. I know people / shrinks say that is bad. But it feels good to me. Still if she went postal and left me - a big chunk of ME would be gone. There is no imagining that - it is just the worst thing I could think of other then death of a child. 

Sorry for you NaC. Her utter refusal to really talk about this is very cruel. And I think it is rooted in the fact that YOU aren't the reason she is leaving and she feels horribly guilty for what she is doing. Said guilt manifests in her screaming tantrums...



Notaclue said:


> Yes it was. I got revenge. I went in her room and kissed her until she laughed and then walked out.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well MEM she said she was sorry so who knows what she is thinking. I think the realization that she is moving out is going to be a real shock for her and maybe it's setting in. Maybe she is feeling guilty, maybe not. I just don't know or care to discuss it anymore with her. I'm going to be much more "detached" after her outburst tonight. I think maybe the reality of what she is doing is now becoming "real" for her.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

notaclue: She's irrational huh? Sounds familiar. Febuary and the days before will be difficult. For me, after he was gone was bittersweet. I only wanted him to stay if he was the "old" H...but I welcomed the "new" H to leave.

The new H left and the black cloud left the building. I told him that a few months later. I felt a weight lifted...no more walking on eggshells. 

Hang in there. You can't rationalize what she's doing.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

So sorry again Not - 
look after yourself


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks K and CW. All I can do is ride this out until the end. I am trying to stay calm, but the only way I can do it is to detach myself at this point. I am also walking on eggshells as I had no idea she would go postal last night. 

I have finally come to the realization that it is better for her to leave if she no longer loves me. Nothing I can do or say makes any difference, it just makes her mad.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

It feels so unfair that they are the ones who get mad.
She won't be able to direct her anger at you once she has gone -
and this will be a blessing.


----------



## gobroncos6 (Jan 20, 2010)

Notaclue, 
Your story is sad and I'm very sorry for you! Who knows why these things happen. I had a friend get left by his wife b/c he was too boring (and he's not! great, fun guy). Didn't know that was grounds for divorce. ?!?

I hope you've found some answers here. What do you think happened? Has she given you any clue? I guess what sucks is you have to be aggressive now to protect yourself instead of having time to mourn and cope with your loss. It's very counter-intuitive.

What goes around comes around. Someday you'll find closure and maybe find out what happened. Maybe someday she'll realize how she hurt you and your daughter. It's too bad you can't talk it out. 

I've been married 7 years. It's hard for me to fathom leaving my husband with no explanation/fighting/complaining--some clue of there being a problem!

Sorry for you and your daughter. It will be hard to move on with your life, but you can do it. You're still young!
kb


----------



## gobroncos6 (Jan 20, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Yes it was. I got revenge. I went in her room and kissed her until she laughed and then walked out.


LOL! That's funny! 

She definitely isn't very happy right now. Unfortunately we can't fix that for another person. She has to figure that out herself.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Dang - something is in the water. Our wives have been taken over by aliens. Either excuse is more believable than who they have become for no apparent reason. Mine is 15 year marriage - gone. She is with a OM and says she is happy. Great - now stay out of my life and stop dragging our kids through this BS.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

She wants to live a happy life and be "herself" and she said she couldn't do that while married. I don't understand that at all as she had it all and did whatever she wanted whenever she wanted to. I never had any control over her even if I wanted to try. LOL 

It's like since her change of life she has become an alien. She refused to go on any hormone treatments and has become pretty hard to deal with. I'm not blaming that, but it sure hasn't helped. 

I am getting blamed for really small things that happened 20 years ago. Even if I appologized, she never let it go. Funny thing is some of the enormous things she has done never get brought up. I don't even mention them - not worth it. She is trying to make everything that ever happened my fault. 

I have done everything right by my family for 30 years and now I'm getting ruined emotionally and financially. I know life isn't fair, but this is the lowest feeling. I can't ever retire now - I expect to work until I die.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

knortoh said:


> It feels so unfair that they are the ones who get mad.
> She won't be able to direct her anger at you once she has gone -
> and this will be a blessing.


I think she thinks things will be the same and we will be friends at some point. When she moves out, other than legal issues, and my daughter, I'm going to have limited contact. One thing I won't do anymore is be the object of her anger. I'm exhausted, haven't slept in three weeks and need to take care of myself and my daughter. 

I sure hope the hell she is putting us through is worth it and she becomes the "happiest" person in the world.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Help239 said:


> Dang - something is in the water. Our wives have been taken over by aliens. Either excuse is more believable than who they have become for no apparent reason. Mine is 15 year marriage - gone. She is with a OM and says she is happy. Great - now stay out of my life and stop dragging our kids through this BS.


Agreed Help239, For some reason she thinks my daughter isn't even affected by all of this. Too bad she can't see what she is doing to her. My daughter turned off her phone today because she was so upset and depressed. I finally got thru to her and told how much I loved her. 

I'm sure your W is just as blind towards her children. There is no excuse to what divorces do to the children.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

Again, it's like they're reading from the same script. Small things I thought long resolved or forgotten where machine gunned directly at my heart. Meanwhile I stayed silent on any of her shortcomings. I'm at about 15k in fees already - and it's going to get worse. My W actually sent me a text where she states we will remain friends and be amicable at some point. An assumption on her part. She is so happy - while she destroys the lives around her - people who have put their trust and faith in her. How the cost of what she's putting the kids through is worth her happiness is beyond me.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Help, sounds like we are married to identical twins.... same story different city. Wow, thats all I can say.


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

Help239 said:


> Dang - something is in the water. Our wives have been taken over by aliens.


Man, I wish those aliens would come visit MY wife!!!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

My W told my D that she will moving out in a week or so. Great thing to do, now D is upset and crying and doesn't understand why. Neither do I and I cant even make up a good story to tell my D. Really sucks. You mom is moving out because....she is happier w/o us ? Nice.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

notaclue: My good friend said.."there is nothing that you can do if someone wants to divorce you in their heart. You don't want someone in your life that doesn't want you back." It's simple but so true. I've had to remind myself of that along the way.

Also the saying "don't try to apply logic to the illogical." That's like beating your head against the wall. I might have a little brain damage at this point!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CW , I'll remember that. If she no longer loves me, I know it's time for her to move on, just wish I would have known 10 years ago. 

I'm am trying to detach and quit asking "why" all the time, but it's hard. Problem I have is that I still love her....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you checked her phone/text records and online activity to see who she's talking to? She most likely is having an affair. That is when people 'rewrite' history and are 'no longer in love with' you. If she IS having an affair (even just emotional), you can fight the affair and get your wife back. But you have to snoop first.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Turnera. I don't think she is having an affair and I'm not going to snoop. Even if she is, there is no fighting this anymore. She has already made her mind up and there is no going back. She has leased an apt. and set up the first meeting with the attys. She is stone cold, nothing in her eyes, she has no interest in saving anything. Responds to me like I'm "persona non grata" now. Like CW said, I just need to let her walk out of my life. Very hard, I know, but there is no other option.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

"Why" is the million dollar question. They have their reasons but they don't make sense (illogical). 

I still wonder but the urge to find out isn't as strong. 

I am divorced and still love my ex. He still loves me. Crazy and illogical.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thats for sure CW, I don't think they really even know. It's just so strange to even try to talk to them. They either make no sense or aren't telling the truth.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thats for sure CW, I don't think they really even know. It's just so strange to even try to talk to them. They either make no sense or aren't telling the truth.


From what I am learning from my wife, yes... a lot of things do not make sense. But a lot of this seems to stem from a huge lack of communication and lack of true intimacy. There may be so many things that our spouses/ex-spouses are tackling in their minds and never communicate them. These thoughts and feelings build... and we become the targets. Some of it may come from things that we might have done in the past and there was never a resolution to that or those issues. They fester over time and we find ourselves in these situations.

Again, I refuse to believe that someone goes to bed in love with you and wake up the following morning harboring a huge detest for you. The snapping point might have happened over night, but the lack of communication is surely the number one issue.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I agree 100% ds
they didn't communicate 
whether they will have this issue only with us or with everyone who knows - 
my H didn't tell me what was going on for him
he admits that 
but he sees it in grand terms - very dramatically 
"I couldn't talk to you about our relationship because all I would have been able to say was I didn't love and didn't want to be with you".....
but I don't think that's the point...
I think he didn't talk to me about a million and one things that didn't make him or made him happy....
and over the years it turns into huge resentment - 

my H tells me and his family that he has no anger to me at all - but the minute I scratch under the surface it comes bubbling out - 

he can't be honest about this stuff...not at all ...
and they would prefer to run away - 

now perhaps when they meet mr or mrs right those problems of not communicating will dissolve - communication will happen more easily for them - I think that is what my H thinks - 

it will all be easy becuase true love will cover the communication issue....

I am skeptical


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well we certainly had issues communicating the last few months. I'd try to talk to her and she would just say she needed to go to bed or she wasn't ready to talk yet. I'm not perfect but I did try and my W knows this. The other issue was that when we did communicate, I was always the one at fault and if I mentioned something she did there was always an excuse. I just feel like I was being set-up and nothing I did or tried worked. I think in the last three months my wife found as much fault with me as she could to justify her decision. I also know she dreadged things up from 20 years ago that I long since appologized for.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

notaclue: It is so common for them to dredge things up from the ancient past. My ex-H has very little memory. He is very forgetful of what would be significant life events....babies birth etc. Doesn't remember details. 

Yet, upon discussing separation he would say "remember when we got into an argument the day before our wedding?" OK...25 years ago we argued. I don't remember and I have a damn great memory. I'll give that memory to him. Then, he said "remember we had our D because we weren't really getting along that great?" I think he was living on another planet!!! 

After more than 25 years together...we had some minor arguments. He annoyed me. I annoyed him! DUH! 

I am at loss. They have to justify their way out of the marriage. How do they walk away, after all of this time, and NOT justify?? It's exaggerated memories. It the focusing on the negative of the marriage. No positives are allowed to be brought up in their mind. It's goes over and over, in their mind, thinking of how lousy and unhappy their life has become. 

At one point, I said "how do we let go of our friendship even? We are best friends." He looked at me like..."oh really?" Like I wasn't even his friend anymore. He couldn't even recognize that we were close friends. It wouldn't justify him leaving. He questioned everything. 

I have apologized for my wrongdoings. He rolled his eyes. 

I have yet to hear an apology from him. He probably has imagined he's apologized to me. He's caught up in HIS world. It's been sad and lonely for him. It's all his fault though.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Yes it is like they are almost living in the past - 
it is so palpable for them -
over time as I have seen they soften - my H now says he misses our friendship and that he can see all the love etc that we shared - 
but it doesn't change their mind - 
they are on a path to somewhere else


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I thought her life was pretty good, obviously she didn't. I wonder what she will think 3 months or a year from now. I wonder if she will ever remember all the good times ? Or will she just dwell on the negatives ? I am at a total loss also and nothing makes any sense at this point. I can't stop the endless thought process and I'm just going in circles. I asked her how she could just throw 30 years away of hard work and love like a pair of dirty socks ? How could she ruin everything ? Only thing I got was that she realized what she was doing and she thought about it.

I just can't get over the betrayal....


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

30 years is such a long time not.
It is little consolation but she won't be able tp get over it as quickly as she thinks...as ds was sayingyou can't erase stuff.
not the good nor the bad.
the betrayal of your love and committment is grave indeed.
It will take you time to forgive and move on 
but I know that you will get there


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks K, It's just so hard. I will forgive but I'm not sure I will ever fully recover from this.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Maybe so not,
maybe a part of you will always be wounded.
But I think you'll go on as well.
Somehow 
the fact is right now you don't feel like you can and it is hard to imagine 
that's understandable - you are where you are right now- 
just be as good to yourself as you possibly can and keep on remembering that you haven't done anything wrong


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks CW , I'll remember that. If she no longer loves me, I know it's time for her to move on, just wish I would have known 10 years ago.
> 
> I'm am trying to detach and quit asking "why" all the time, but it's hard. Problem I have is that I still love her....


May I point out something Not? Often when a person is fired from their job or one spouse decides to leave, we think, "*WHY*!!??" I think we think that if they says "...because of X, Y and Z" then we can say "Well...wait! I fixed X, apologized for Y, and Z didn't happen" and then they will stay. 

In real life there is no answer to "WHY!?" that is actually reasonable. That's because what she is choosing to do is the epitome of unreasonable! There's no good reason! It's not as if she can say, "Well...actually I've been unfaithful and committed adultery so I've decided to leave the marriage" because even in that instance you could still choose to forgive her! So although your head may be whirling trying to figure out why--in real life there is not a good reason. One day you may sort of discover something that makes a bit of sense to you (such as, she is narcissistic or diagnosed mentally ill) and then at least realize that it wasn't you after all.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

What a wonderful insight! beautifully explained lovely logic...thank you


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Affaircare, I understand what you and K and CW have been saying, it's just that I can't stop thinking about it and how crazy this whole thing is. It truly is unreasonable, because she won't listen to any reason whatsoever. There certainly is no answer to "WHY" and probably never will be. 

It's like something just snapped in her head and I'll never know what or the reason why....


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, in most cases, at least with women, it's because she suddenly has another option. But you don't want to consider that option, and deal with it, so...I don't know what else to tell you.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not over time you will have some answers definitely 
right now it is too early...
what you must avoid is listening to her answers - they will be poison at the moment....

You will go through a period of asking why 
we are not saying you are wrong for doing that - not at all 
CW and I still indulge in that and it has been many months for us 

In my case I believe that the answers have not really started to emerge yet...and mine has been going on for over a year...

I 'know' some stuff 
like my H is underdeveloped emotionally in some areas - 
but this doesn't explain everything.

you can find some answers through sociology ( this is a 'thing' some middle aged women do)

through psychology ( we all are messy individuals with messy desires and capacities - not everyone can 'do' a life long realtionship) 

through spiritual stuff - life is itself a mystery,,etc

and sometimes there is a more identifiable object (OM etc).

but the answers that you need will only come from you because only they will give you peace...
until then do the minesweeping required to see where you fit in the picture - 

just avoid (if you can) blaming yourself ....it is isn't your fault.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

You are right K everything she says is poison right now. I have to quit letting her blame affect me and realize she is just as much to blame. She needs a reason for the divorce and it seems like she just sits around thinking of every little thing that has ever happened. Not once does she bring up the good times. Nor does she take any responsibility for some pretty big stuff she did. 

I still want the answers, but now I realize I'll probably never get to the heart of the matter. 

I have to accept it and forgive her. Only then will I be able to move on. I know this, but I'm just not there yet.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes...it's difficult not having answers. However, the answers may or may not be in view for a long while..if at all.

You will end up coming to some point of not caring about the answers as much. I do but it's more out of curiosity at this point.


----------



## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

As horrible as your (as many of us as well) situation is, I'm just wondering, if in some way, there is a silver lining to all of this.
I thought that when H moved out, that my world would collapse, and that I would shrivel up and die. But, you know what, I haven't. Maybe we're stronger than we think we are. But it's just so hard to think that after 33 years(in my case) that I'm back to being alone again. But I'm not crying much anymore like I was last month. I'm getting things done around the house, I'm taking better care of myself. H thinks I look even better than before.
Hmm. . ..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good for you Happyatlast. I'm glad to see that you are doing well. It's nice to hear that someone else is surviving and thriving after 30+ years of marriage. I can only pray that I can get to the point you are at. You are an inspiration. Thanks !


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You will but it will take time and grieving. There is no wrong way to feel your way around this....

Now that I am entering the dating world, I believe that guys will be intimidated by a 25 year marriage. How can that compete with that?


----------



## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

CW, If a guy is self-confident, he won't be intimidated by a 25 year marriage. What happened in the past 25 years of YOUR life has no affect or impact on me as a man. It's not a competition. If you and I are good together, that's all that matters.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I was told females seem to think more regarding the competition of a 25 year marriage. A guy friend said "guys really don't think along that line." Whew!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> I was told females seem to think more regarding the competition of a 25 year marriage. A guy friend said "guys really don't think along that line." Whew!


I think a 25 year marriage says a lot about a woman. All good. You have nothing to worry about CW.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I spent all afternoon with the lawyers sitting across from my W. I still can't believe it is happening. The lawyers had a great time talking and I just sat there like a bump on a log. 

Of course my W was as happy as could be. I just looked at her and told her I loved her and we needed to stop this insanity. She said she just wanted a divorce. Really sad day indeed. Both love and reason died today.


----------



## tc6872blue (Jan 18, 2010)

I feel for you Notaclue and am in kind of a similar situation. From you earlier posts it sounds like you still love you wife very much, but for some reason she thinks the grass looks greener on the other side. Like you I wonder how long it will take for things to come full circle, but at least know you tried everything in your power to keep the marriage alive. Hng in there!


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - sorry for the day you had - it made me cry reading your post - seriously.
A good friend told me this today and I think it applies equally to you - "it looks like she is looking for greener grass... that is a slippery slope" - I think this is true in her case too - the legal divorce is what she wants, but when the emotional side sinks in it may be more slippery than she thought.

Believe me my friend I know its hard, but keep your chin up.. we will come out of this ok... it just takes time..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Cpt. My W now talks to me in the third person - I don't exist. Luckily the dog still gets her love and is talked to in the first person. 

My lawyer said to me after the meeting that my W won't be happy and that they really never are when they leave under these types of circumstances. He said she will learn very quickly about how green the grass really is on the other side. 

Problem is that no matter how unhappy she may be, she would be too bull headed to admit it. She is leaving next week. I will be forever sad, but will do the best I can. I pray to God to give me the strength to get through this and to face it head on. 

"Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain,
but for the heart to conquer it.
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved,
but for the patience to win my freedom."


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - 
One thing I can say about when they leave - it will be sureal, but a relief in some ways too...

Realize that when they are in the same house, they cannot get the space they need.. in time either they will see the error of their ways or they will continue to be unhappy for the rest of their life...... there are no other 2 ways about it... they are running away.. running away from their responsibilities as an adult, running away from their feelings and running away from their family... all of which will not be fixed just by running..One day those demons will come calling - with a vengeance.. and either they will want to come back (at which point we will have to seriously consider if we want to have them back) or they will start the cycle again... they will not be happy until they deal with these demons head on and become responsible adults.. because now they are not acting like responsible adults.. They are acting like rebellious teenagers when you step back and look at it.. and for some reason they want to rebel against us... even though we know that we only want the best for them..

Hang in there my friend... and know that I am here for you..


----------



## itsanewday (Jan 1, 2010)

cpt_confused said:


> NC -
> One thing I can say about when they leave - it will be sureal, but a relief in some ways too...
> 
> Realize that when they are in the same house, they cannot get the space they need.. in time either they will see the error of their ways or they will continue to be unhappy for the rest of their life...... there are no other 2 ways about it... they are running away.. running away from their responsibilities as an adult, running away from their feelings and running away from their family... all of which will not be fixed just by running..One day those demons will come calling - with a vengeance.. and either they will want to come back (at which point we will have to seriously consider if we want to have them back) or they will start the cycle again... they will not be happy until they deal with these demons head on and become responsible adults.. because now they are not acting like responsible adults.. They are acting like rebellious teenagers when you step back and look at it.. and for some reason they want to rebel against us... even though we know that we only want the best for them..
> ...


Its insane how similar these events are. Great post! My wife is pulling the exact same crap. I am letting her go but I am younger and was only married for a year so its easier than ppl with kids and more time invested. I feel like her maturity level has dropped 10 yrs(she is 28) and she treats me like I was a boyfriend or something. Marriage seems to mean nothing these days...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Do not be afraid notaclue there are sunnier days ahead.

I understand the level of pain you are experiencing...at times I wished to be put out of my misery. 

The divorce is just a piece of paper at this point...once someone divorces you, in their heart, there is nothing else to do.

You never know what the future may hold. Think of how your life has changed in the last year. What will this year hold?


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CW, I just can't imagine life w/o my W. The pain is immense and I know not why it has to be this way. I just feel like I am at the bottom of a dark hole. 

But I guess you are right, she must have divorced me in her heart long ago and I never knew. I feel so stupid and ashamed that it has gotten to this point.


----------



## SoxMunkey (Jan 1, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Thanks CW, I just can't imagine life w/o my W. The pain is immense and I know not why it has to be this way. I just feel like I am at the bottom of a dark hole.
> 
> But I guess you are right, she must have divorced me in her heart long ago and I never knew. I feel so stupid and ashamed that it has gotten to this point.


Why are you taking blame? What is it that you've done to feel stupid and ashamed? You are attaching something to yourself that you should not be feeling guilty over.

Place the fault where is needs to be placed. You cannot be ashamed for loving and cherishing someone who you promised to love for the rest of your days. You have lived up to your part of your vows.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

So true DS, I know in my head that I am not to blame, I just feel like it in my heart. As the man I feel like I should have seen it coming.... Guess I have also been listening to her tell me I am to blame the last month. 

BTW, welcome back hope everyone you know in Haiti is OK ? I know it must have been a heart wrenching experience and my pain does not compare to what those people are going through. Puts things in perspective...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I understand about being ashamed...although they chose to left we feel as if we should have done MORE. I was like this...

They blame everyone but themselves. In their minds they tried everything except for the speaking up part. They left that out! I am not sure how we were supposed to understand without a conversation.

I accept my flaws and contribution to the demise of the marriage. However, there were times where I wished I could leave. Times where I wished he would leave. I was an unhappy person. I never left and tried my hardest to change my unhappiness. Maybe it was too late. I don't know. I just know that I fought and never walked away. Maybe he wasn't as strong.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thats it - "I just know I fought and never walked away". That's exactly how I feel, I was unhappy at times , but I still loved her and always tried to do the right thing. I always covered her mistakes, always, and never got any credit for it or love for that matter. I always made things "right" for her and never got any credit. 

Yes "everything" is my fault, she tells me that anyway. Now her life will be happy and perfect. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is hers and I'm left picking up the pieces. After 30 years she is going to ruin me financially and she's OK with that also - no big deal to her that I will never retire. 

She basically did not talk to me the last several months when I tried to communicate with her either. God knows I tried. I think she already made up her mind and never told me. 

I just hope someday CW I can half of the strength you have in getting through this dark time.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

notaclue: After as many years of marriage that we lived through...it's expected to have times of up and downs. 

She really only cares for herself at this moment. Never mind retirement. 

She has made her mind up long before you "knew." This wasn't a surprise to her-bet on it. 

You have the strength..you are doing it. It's the messy stuff toward the end....like living through your own personal hell.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I think "hell" is the right word CW. I have suffered some pretty serious life threatening accidents and other really bad things over the years, but nothing compares to this. This is truly hell on earth.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Hang in there my friend.. yes we are going through hell right now.. but imagine how much more you will appreciate heaven after going through this... truthfully.. we are going through the worst experience of our lives... and i would be lying if I said I haven't thought about just ending it all with a 9mm... but I have to be truthful, everytime that thought has come into my head.. the thought of finding true happiness also comes into my head... Although I hurt more now than I ever had in my entire life.. I know there is more happiness out there. And if there is even a 1% chance for me to find that happiness... it is worth it to stick around and try... because if we don't try and we give up.. we have a 0% chance at happiness... and I truly want to be happy again.. so I will take my chances and stick it out.. because all the alternatives truly $uck. 

So what I am trying to say is - hang in there, WE WILL BE HAPPY AGAIN!! There is no doubt in my mind about this. But it will take some time, and it will take a lot of tears. But in the end...we will come out shining, we will come out better equipped to assure our perpetual happiness - and unfortunately our spouses wont be able to share the happiness that we will eventually find... 

Capt.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I sure hope so CPt, the skies are very dark now and I see no future w/o her. 

My W told me my daughter cried herself to sleep last night. I don't understand why she told me that , as she is the one that caused it. She is even trying to make that my fault. 

The more I try to understand what is really going on, the less and less I understand any of it. 

She is moving out on Friday and I will be alone. I am not looking forward to that at all, but for some reason it's no big deal to my W. I'm sad it has to end this way. I would have rather died with my W still loving me and holding me then for it to end like this.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I hear you.. It is the hardest thing ever to hear the the person you love doesn't love you anymore. Probably the worst thing we have ever heard... no.. absolutely the worst thing we ever heard.
But we are good people, and there is happiness out there for us. We just have to keep our eyes open to it - even though we don't want to at the moment.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm just trying to get thru this all at this point and be productive at work. I am not good company for anyone and am having a hard time hiding my feelings. I am generally very positive at work, and now my people know something is wrong - I just can't tell them at this point. I am in survival mode and have to shut the door to my office a lot during the day.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Every "step" toward the relationships breakup is difficult. The separation is like doomsday, at this point. However, when my ex left last July the day after...I found some relief.

I no longer had to see him in his "pain" and guess the meaning behind the action/word. I no longer had to walk on eggshells. I wasn't living in midst of a dark cloud.

I saw my separation as a time of hope. That maybe he'd find himself or come to some great conclusion as to how HE was wrong. How he made a mistake. I realized, for him, that wouldn't come until AFTER the divorce.

It will come for your wife..later. Getting through is good..that is all you should manage for now.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CW, it's just so hard. As I type this I can hear my W in the dining room emptying the shelves and taking out wedding dishes and silver. She has already started taking mementos and pictures out of the house and kitchen. All with the precision of a professional mover who doesn't care that they are destroying memories. She is even humming. And I'm sitting at this computer crying and dying a thousand deaths. I should be angry at what she is doing - but I'm just sad.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Remember...you don't want to be with someone that doesn't want you! 

It normal to be sad when your marriage is dead. She is numb at this point. She's had many moments to think this over and feels justified. 

You can get better until she leaves...moving forward. Just take it as it comes. This week will be rough but you can make it through.


----------



## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

I haven't read all your posts but I will tell you I'd bet a considerable amount on the other man. This is pretty textbook. Go invest some money in a book by Frank Pittman called Sex, Lies, and the Betral of Intimacy.

Sorry brother but she is making a rash decision and it will likely come back to haunt her.


----------



## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Okay, now I have had a chance to read a bunch of the posts by Notaclue. As a guy that has gone through ALL of this stuff in the last 6 mos it seems very telling to me that she is having an affair. My guess is that your marriage was not over the top happy but also not unhappy--in short like most marriages in that you balance the day to day practicality and demands of real life with the romantic and intimate sides that aren't always practical.

If I were a betting man I would say she has some mild depression and has had for a while, started talking to someone who might have been in the same boat and who "totally understood her," and I am guessing she made a pretty bad mistake and was intimate with this person.

This puts her in a place of having to deal with you and the guilt of seeing you who has been true to her, provided for her, etc... on a daily basis for a lot of years. If she confronts that she made a mistake the guilt is overwhelming for her--maybe unbearable. If she puts her transgression in the light that its not a transgression and a betrayal because things have been wrong for a long time and she has been unhappy for a long time then it now becomes justifiable as to what she did to you. She has to dettach from you and dehumanize you and sterilize the memories. She is happy and nonchalant about the whole thing because her brain is protecting her by reinforcing the bad memories and suppressing the good memories. Why do you think she is dredging things from 20 years back? She doesn't have enough real and live ammo from recently so she had to find something or the blame falls in her lap.

I hate to say it but she is having an affair.

I feel/felt your pain and went through almost everything you posted but I did snoop and busted her. You are a non human to her right now and the coldness and lack of feeling she has and will display to you will be mind numbing.

Good luck and PM me if you want to talk. It sucks but some things are out of your control in life.

Scott


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I don't know elscotto, she says there is no one else, but I really don't know or at this point care to know. If there is someone else, my daughter will find out long before me. And yes my Daughter would tell me if she knew. 

Bottom line is that she is moving out on Friday and is divorcing me. The reason is unclear but if there were someone else I'm not sure that would make a big difference one way or another ?


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Oh Notaclue I feel for you. I know all this sucks. Try very hard not to focus your thoughts on retirement or quite frankly anything past today. Remember one day at a time, but mostly just this very moment. Stay present in only this moment. If it helps break down the next couple of days so they don't seem so intimidating. In your mind only think about the fact that you have to go to work and maybe plan something at night. A walk or a run, a favorite t.v. show. I am just curious to know if you have any pets? I am surprised I have not asked this question to everyone on here. I would be so lost without my dogs. That unconditional love is priceless. Sometimes I sit on the floor and hug them and just cry. They look at me with their big soulful eyes and I swear they understand. Keep posting on here it does help a lot. 
~Blessings


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hi Believe, hope you are doing OK today and things are going well for you ? My precious dog of 12 years died of cancer last year, but I have been taking care of my daughter's 7 month old pup. So I do have some company but not very calm company. He's losing his baby teeth so he is chewing everything. LOL 

I'll try to take it one day at a time, but I have worked so hard my whole life for my W and D and now this at a time when I was ready to retire. It's like I have been hit in the gut and then kicked in the head after I hit the ground. I may be able to understand that she no longer loves me someday, but I'll never understand the cruelty of the timing and way she did this to me. It just makes me sick that she will retire at the end of this year and I'll never retire. Life is unfair, but I guess I have to play the cards as they are dealt.


----------



## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Notaclue, also remember that the cruelty of the timing has not entered into her decision criteria. It sounds cruel for me to say but she has already discounted you--not because she wants to be cruel to you though. Its because her mental state has moved past the marriage and she doesn't see the impact of her actions on anyone but herself so everything she is doing right now will be in her own interests. Keep an eye on her parenting skills too because its not that she won't be a good parent to your daughter but I will predict she will make a lot of bad decisions that will be felt by your daughter and will put other interests ahead of the family. Really, in a nutshell isn't that what she has done anyway? She has thrown away EVERYTHING for something that SHE wants with zero regard to the consequences.

You WILL be past her by the time this happens but the statistics are overwhelming that she will come to regret her decision.

Hang in there brother. There is nothing left but march forward and thank your lucky stars that worse things haven't happened. I can't imagine losing a child or having some other catastrophic event hit you but we both know there ARE much worse that can happen.

It WILL get better and you WILL be stronger.

Good luck!
Scott


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Scott, I appreciate the kind words. It's true she has no regard for anyone but herself and she admits it. She justifies this by claiming to get her life, identity, and independence back. Not sure what she means other than she is tired of being a wife and mother ? God knows I've tried to understand ...

I sure hope it gets better because this is so exhausting.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

yes not---- we can't be angry and sad at once - it is a sad time for you - hang in there --survive the madness ----you are not alone although you may feel as though you are -------we are thinking of you


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It is an energy stealer these relationship woes.

It will get better although as times, I couldn't see a light.

I know that Friday seems like doomsday at this point.


----------



## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

Corpus is right it IS a major energy stealer and a sleep stealer and an appetite stealer. Let me guess--you have lost some weight and are amazed that you can function on the sleep that you got as a young adult. Its called raw adrenaline. I went through it and dropped from 204 lbs at my high to 173 lbs. I slept cumulatively 4 hours a night. That was with Ambien--I also bea the Ambien system because I was so exhausted I could fall asleep but not stay asleep so I would go to bed at 1 am and sleep until 3 and then grab an Ambien off the nightstand and take it for that restful 3am - 4:30 am sleep shift LOL. 

This went on for months. 

Get in shape if you aren't already. Not for her or to look good for her--do it for you. Leverage a weight loss situation and lower body fat percentage and living on adrenaline to a healthier you. Wear your A$$ out so you can sleep more restful in the limited time you do sleep. Your outlook will be better, you'll be better at problem solving (most of which will be your own), and make more logical decisions.

You need to hold your head high and understand that this is not about you. This is about her and you happen to have been dragged along for her adventure and unfortunately her desire for this adventure is so powerful and by virtue of the fact that you are shackled to her through marriage and a child that you ARE going down the dark alley of her adventure whether you like it or not. 

The question is what is your plan once she hands you the key to the locks that bind you? You want to hang around that cold, dark, dank smelly alley? Or would you rather go back out into the sunlight and lick your wounds a bit while they heal and know that she went someplace that you didn't want to and it was her choice and you aren't staying there?

You are going to start having an occasional good day. Then, occasional will turn into semi regular. Notice you are still having a lot of bad days too. Eventually, semi regular will start turning into regular but you still will have a bad day for no reason. At some point the bad days start becoming rare. Other women are paying attention to you, they want to spend time with you, you feel attractive, you walk to the coffee pot in your boxers in the morning and relish some of the solitude and are happy with yourself and don't mind hanging out with yourself. It gets a lot better.

I am sorry to pontificate all-its just so fresh with me. I have mostly good days at this point but I know I need to complete a lot of mourning for a marriage gone south and I feel guilty for it happening even though I didn't want it.

Its a marathon and not a sprint.

Take care all.

Scott


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

elscotto said:


> Corpus is right it IS a major energy stealer and a sleep stealer and an appetite stealer. Let me guess--you have lost some weight and are amazed that you can function on the sleep that you got as a young adult. Its called raw adrenaline. I went through it and dropped from 204 lbs at my high to 173 lbs. I slept cumulatively 4 hours a night. That was with Ambien--I also bea the Ambien system because I was so exhausted I could fall asleep but not stay asleep so I would go to bed at 1 am and sleep until 3 and then grab an Ambien off the nightstand and take it for that restful 3am - 4:30 am sleep shift LOL.
> 
> This went on for months.
> 
> ...


Great post!! Really hit home with me... thanks!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I agree, nice post Scott. All of what you say is so true. I'm just trying to get to a point where I have one good day or should I say one day when I don't cry.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> It is an energy stealer these relationship woes.
> 
> It will get better although as times, I couldn't see a light.
> 
> I know that Friday seems like doomsday at this point.


It does seem like doomsday CW, but there is nothing I can do and just hope she moves out fast. I am going to try to detach as much as possible after that. 

I'm totally exhausted and she is energized - it's like she is sucking all of my life out of me. Right now I can't stand her attitude.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Love heroin - and it's side effects. 

NaC,
In a normal mental state it would NOT be possible for your wife to do something so awful to you without feeling guilty. But the endorphines flowing in her head make it possible for her to do ANYTHING to keep that feeling. When she crashes - and she will - she will come and ask you for forgiveness and maybe even some day for reconciliation. 

It is sad she has been so deceptive with you. She is happy because she is moving TOWARD the source of her love heroine, but that is no excuse for being so cruel to you. 






Notaclue said:


> It does seem like doomsday CW, but there is nothing I can do and just hope she moves out fast. I am going to try to detach as much as possible after that.
> 
> I'm totally exhausted and she is energized - it's like she is sucking all of my life out of me. Right now I can't stand her attitude.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks MEM, I'll remember that. When I have talked to her she believes she is perfectly justified and it's the right thing to do. No backing down or even self questioning of her motives or decision. 

I really do hope she crashes someday and sees the hell she has put everybody through. I'm afraid she is too bullheaded to even admit it and I'll never see it. As far as foregiveness - it's heartbreaking but I doubt it. 

She is so right and I'm so wrong.... I just quit trying to reason with her as it's not worth the grief it causes me afterwards. She knows that I love her, but doesn't really even care. She is a human robot with no compassion. It's like the lights are on but nobody is home. Scary really...maybe the endorpines will actually subside at some point.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well my W is moving out now and I'm actually a little bit relieved as I can't take too much more of this dark cloud "foreboding" type anticipation.

Not sure how I will feel tonight or in the coming days, but she certainly has put me through H*ll so far. It will be nice not to have the 24/7 tension and drama but I will miss her. 

The dog knows something bad is going on and is totally freaked out. My daughter will not even talk about it - it's like she is pretending it's not happening. 

I'm sad and at the same time angry and depressed because of what she is doing and the destruction of our marriage. She is in a foul mood and has made some pretty bad comments to me this morning so I have just totally disengaged and I have nothing more to say. I think it's her defense mechanism. 

I will wish her much happiness with her new life and the next time we will talk will be through the lawyers. Very sad ending....but I can not cry any longer.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hang in there! I told my ex-two months after he left...."it was like a dark cloud left the house when you left." I understand the feeling.

After you have time to regroup, it will give you time and space to think about your life and how you want to move forward.

Yes...she's defensive as she really isn't be supported in the way she had hoped. I guess she had hoped that everyone would be accepting and loving in her decision to "be happy." They are often surprised by others reactions.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Notaclue~

I'm sorry she is doing this to you. You are 100% correct that most likely she is snappy because she knows this is wrong and it's her way of keeping up a wall so she can justify doing what she knows, deep down, is wrong. 

I would suggest being very gentle with yourself today. Don't help her one bit--allow her to experience the consequence of her actions namely no longer having you "help" her. Also if you can, do one thing for yourself today that you enjoy or need. Go out to lunch with a friend or maybe go spend some time with your daughter. I think it would help both of you feel better if you were together.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I just got home to see the "damage" and my daughter was yelling at my W and crying for leaving her. Since my D is in school and doing a very hard program she is very upset with my W for putting all this additional stress on her. I feel for her because of the extreme course work, the cost, the stress, and now this mess. Of course my W just blew it all off and blamed me. 

So, I'm sitting here typing this and just shaking my head - here is a women that just wants to be happy and she is putting everyone else thru H*ll. 

And no CW, I'm not supporting what she is doing and neither is my D. We have both told her she is wrong and neither one of us is lifting a finger to help her move. So yes she is pissed, but she can continue to move herself out.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Notaclue~
> 
> I'm sorry she is doing this to you. You are 100% correct that most likely she is snappy because she knows this is wrong and it's her way of keeping up a wall so she can justify doing what she knows, deep down, is wrong.
> 
> I would suggest being very gentle with yourself today. Don't help her one bit--allow her to experience the consequence of her actions namely no longer having you "help" her. Also if you can, do one thing for yourself today that you enjoy or need. Go out to lunch with a friend or maybe go spend some time with your daughter. I think it would help both of you feel better if you were together.


Thanks AC, I'd like to but my D had to leave to go to the library to do a brief and since it's raining so hard now, I'm just sitting inside with the dog. I'm sure my W is fit to be tied right about now with all the rain and a truck full of stuff - oh well.... 

I have done a good job of disengaging from her today, haven't said more than a few words and I'm letting her do all the work. 

She has been in a bad mood today so I guess maybe it's starting to dawn on her what the heck she has done. Then again maybe not...? 

Maybe if the rain lets up I'll go to the sports bar down the street tonight.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I recommend a nice steak dinner (if that's your fancy) and not so much the bar. Trust me, drinking will numb the pain one night and tomorrow you have the pain AND a hangover. BLECH!


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well it's still raining pretty bad so I just fixed a plate of s'getti. My W came home and greeted me like she was so happy to see me and acted like everything was normal and wonderful... Kind of like a typical Friday after work and ready for the weekend... explain that one ?

She said that she was taking the cat, and would be back tommorrow for the rest of her things. The cat didn't like the idea and scratched her and howled, the dog didn't pay much attention to her and I just basically ignored the whole situation. 

Think CW was right, she is looking for support in this whole mess and I'm not giving it and neither is my D.

I wonder if just maybe she has a hint of regret at this point ????


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'm willing to be she doesn't regret as of yet! She will don't you worry.

Soon..she is going to want to be "friends." Count on that...my ex still want to connect with me on some level. At this point, I just smile and look cute. I don't care to connect-his loss.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Well I got up this morning and felt kind of depressed. Went outside and walked around came back and still feel down in the dumps. I just can't get anything started and would like to get off this rollercoaster ride. I am so lethargic it's not funny and I'm generally up at 6am on the weekends doing something or working on the house. 

Now that the W is coming back today to get the rest of her stuff and her furniture, I'm back in the apprehension mode again - somewhere I didn't want to be. This whole thing is just a tragedy and I feel lke I'm back to square one again. Very depressing.


----------



## blacksage (Apr 28, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Well I got up this morning and felt kind of depressed. Went outside and walked around came back and still feel down in the dumps. I just can't get anything started and would like to get off this rollercoaster ride. I am so lethargic it's not funny and I'm generally up at 6am on the weekends doing something or working on the house.
> 
> Now that the W is coming back today to get the rest of her stuff and her furniture, I'm back in the apprehension mode again - somewhere I didn't want to be. This whole thing is just a tragedy and I feel lke I'm back to square one again. Very depressing.


Wow so instead you are waking up around 10am. This is so sad and cold. I just read through all 20 pages and I am in shock. Threads like this make me want to be single, I dont know if I am as strong as you are. I have NO advice for you, I just wanted to get in here and tell you, you are in my prayers. Best of luck. Keep us updated.


----------



## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I know that feeling all too well. It's like you take one step forward and two steps back. It does get better, now it is like two steps forward and one back depending on the day. Keep your head up. 
~Blessings


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

hey Not,
just wanted to say hi...
sorry about all the hurt and pain.
looking forward to reading your post as you begin to feel a bit better - you will....
K


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks guys, I appreciate the good thoughts and prayers, I actually got up at 7am today - well the dog got me up and we went for a chilly walk. Feeling a little better but the W is coming back again today to get the last of her stuff. 

Some moments it feels pretty serene to be alone and not involved with my W's projected stress and weird robot like demenor. Other times I miss her, or should I say I miss who she once was. 

The house is pretty empty, so I need to go get a few things like a kitchen table and a TV and some odd furniture she took. But I'm Ok with that....

One thing I learned is that we have our up times and our bad times. Seems my bad times come in the very early morning. 

Thanks for reading all 20 pages blacksage and for your thoughts and prayers. 

K and Believe, I do read all your threads and I am praying for you also. Thanks !


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I agree with you NC - mornings are the worst for me.. I don't know why, but I always feel down in the dumps and actually physically ill in the morning... I hope it goes away soon...


----------



## elscotto (Sep 6, 2009)

MEM, you are 100% right-dead on. Mine is still in the love heroine phase although its starting to wear off a little. They no longer have to sneak around but they still kinda do because they don't want to be seen together by people that know them because it confirms the rumors that are all over town.

MEM is also right that she has NO idea she is being and has been cruel to you. She is running towards something and not away from something. In her mind this is "it" and was meant to be. She has to dehumanize you or the guilt would be too much for her.

Hang in there. She will crash most likely and you have to also understand that you may not be around to see it but it will happen. Reality will set in.

Private Lies: Infidelity and Betrayal of Intimacy <---- This is a must read book in my opinion.

Take Care,
Scott


----------



## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

Hey Not,

New to the board but just read your situation. Hang in there. I am a tad behind you since I just found out my wife is leaving. Only difference is mine wants to wait around until August. In the meantime she wants to date her new boyfriend. 

I know what you are feeling. I do go angry to sad to distraught and dispair back to angry. Just hang in there. I pray that one day all of us in this same situation find peace.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks Scott and Harley. I know they will crash and burn eventually, it's just the damage they are doing in the interim. Both emotional and financial. And yes they don't seem to care one bit who they hurt in the process. Very depressing that our W's are acting like this.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

My W is moved out now and I thought I would have last night in peace. She shows up with my D and brings dinner unannounced. I thought she was being nice, but she really wanted me to pay a school bill for my D and started saying things that really got me upset. I just couldn't take her talking to me like I was a 3rd grade idiot and I blew my top - she got to me. I feel so bad for losing my cool as this was the first time I have done so, but I couldn't take her talking to me in such a demeaning manner in fromt of my D. What do you guys do to stay cool when your Ex trys to make you lose it ? And I know that was her game last night and she won. I feel like S**t for losing it in front of my daughter.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

May I make a suggestion?

Ask her to call before dropping by unannounced. I set these "rules" upon my separation. No unannounced visits was one. 

First off she wants to play by her rules (which are made up as she goes). You may want to set your own.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
Sorry but there is a way - if you are willing. It is predicated on the idea she will only contact you when she wants something from you. So the best way to deal is when she shows up/calls and acts nice for a moment you just ask her in a flat voice:

What is it you want? 

And when she tells you - and she will - you reply

Why should I do that? 

And then no matter what her response, just say "this isn't a good time for me to discuss it" and end the conversation. 





Notaclue said:


> My W is moved out now and I thought I would have last night in peace. She shows up with my D and brings dinner unannounced. I thought she was being nice, but she really wanted me to pay a school bill for my D and started saying things that really got me upset. I just couldn't take her talking to me like I was a 3rd grade idiot and I blew my top - she got to me. I feel so bad for losing my cool as this was the first time I have done so, but I couldn't take her talking to me in such a demeaning manner in fromt of my D. What do you guys do to stay cool when your Ex trys to make you lose it ? And I know that was her game last night and she won. I feel like S**t for losing it in front of my daughter.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Dont beat yourself up brother. You are human, and truthfully it is probably a good thing your daughter saw you stand up for yourself. You are only human and have always taken the high road - when something like this happens it is only natural to lose your cool. As much as I don't want to, I know the next time I talk to my soon to be X, I will have a hard time being pleasant. 
You did the best you could - be kind to yourself, I promise your daughter understands..

capt


----------



## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

Not,

I wouldn't let it bother you. The only people you need to worry about is you and your D. Next time you get your D alone, apologize to her or let her know that it has nothing to do with her. 

As for your X, tell her to kiss off and stop dropping by unannounced.

I have never been one to lose my cool, but then again that is proabably a part of why I am where I am. My W prefers the bad boy rowdy type. It probably did you good to stand up for yourself. And even if it didn't you had nothing to lose, right?

So, hang in there. I am sure there will be plenty more opportunities to either lose your cool or hold it together. I sure my day will come to.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks for your suggestions all, I'll tell her I want notice before she is coming over and a reason why from now on. I felt like I was ambushed and taken advantage of the other night. Kind of like a trojan horse with the "innocent" dinner and all. I know now that any reason she wants to talk to me is because she wants something or she is planning another "attack" of some sort. 

I'm just mad at myself becuase I didn't handle it better and blew up, which I'm sure made her immensely happy. This next two weeks will be very stressful as we have lawyer meetings coming up and they will be contentious. 

We haven't communicated since the dinner and it's actually OK, because I'm getting a little respite from all the drama. She will initiate communications this weekend I bet - it just can't be this quite around here. LOL.


----------



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Not bad to be human sometimes not - 
getting it wrong..getting it right ...
it's all part of it....
you have a long fuse but she finally got to the end of it!
no harm for your daughter either 
it is an honest response.....


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks K, seems like every thing I do these days turns to S**t.

I am taking my D to lunch tomorrow so maybe I can explain things to her. I feel bad because I got her upset also the other night and I just need to play it cool around her when my W is there. 

My W really hasn't seen the extent of my honest response yet. But she will after everyting is said and done. Don't get me wrong I will be a perfect gentleman, but I'm not going to be "friends" and will not do the things she may want me to. She can take care of her own car, house, etc. and she can deal with her own issues. I am just tired of being blamed for her insanity.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Notaclue: There is no perfect marriage or divorce. It's ok..we all have made mistakes in both...if you have been unfortunate like us!

Your D is old enough to understand the trauma of the divorce process. Explaining to her would be nice but she gets it. I guarantee. Just a reminder that you are human and will be doing your best. I did that all along with my kids. 

Give her the problems that she's asked for...ALL of them. You will be the blame maybe forever. Expect that but she will understand, later on, the mistakes she's made. It always comes back-KARMA.

Instead of thinking that everything that you do turns to "SH*T," focus on how it's normal to have SH*TTY days when you are going through a divorce and give yourself a break. Treat yourself nice. You are a honorable, respectful, man that tries to do well by his family...for many years. You didn't deserve the "beating" but eventually there will be brighter days.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks CW I'll try to remember that when I'm having a bad day. You are right I have taken care of my family for 30 years and never waivered - not one time. I gave them almost everything they ever wanted and at least everything they needed. Never cheated, never looked at another woman, never did anything dis-honorable. Got knocked down a lot of times and just got back up and perservered. 

This is the biggest blow in my life and I'm really having a hard time - but my W is having a great time. Just so hard to understand how she can act like this. I really hope "Karma" exists for her - but she is so "wacked" and out of touch with reality at this point I doubt she will ever feel remorse for what she has done. She will probably be in denial for the rest of her life. That's the truly sad part of all of this.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

For us "normal" folks going through a divorce, it's hard to understand how someone can walk away after so many years. They are flying high, like this is their dream and it's coming true!

Well, the reality hits them. I know this with my ex...his dream came true. And now....it's done. Just done. No hot babes knocking on his door. No nothing. Just hanging on to our D and that's about it. He looks needier than ever. He's figured out his bike buddies have lives. He's figured out his Best Friend has 3 kids and a baby momma with drama....he's busy. He's partner has married with kids and on a different wavelength. He is no longer 20. His business is down and I was a wonderful support with that....

So....his grass isn't greener. He is a miserable SOB.

The reality comes down hard. You wife hasn't began to see the reality. Give is 3-6 months and it will begin to blossom. 

Promise me, notaclue, don't you wait on her! You get on with your life. Figure things out, if and/or when she wants back.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Hope the same is true for my W as for your Ex-H CW. I had a great valentine's lunch with my D today. I didn't even talk about her mom or anything to do with the divorce. 

Funny thing is when my D got out of the car she told me I needed to be a lot meaner to Mom about this whole situation. So maybe my D did see that my W was trying to walk all over me the other night when lost it ?


----------



## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

Not,

Your daughter is exacly right. I have started reading "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and what I am seeing is astounding. The book is about me. I had my W so high on a pedestal, making sure her every need was met, protecting her from all threats, cooking, cleaning, shopping, doing whatever she needed that would make her life easy and perfect.

After just reading a few chapters, I realize that being a nice guy attracts women. Especially the ones like my W who had never been treated good before. However, eventually, the thrill of being the center of someone's universe becomes smuthering. Always backing down, avoiding conflict in the name of a peaceful marriage just proves that you have lost some of your manhood.

So my W was ready to leave me when along comes my opposite. A guy who does what he wants when he wants. I can do our grocey shopping, he has no clue where the milk is. I can cook, he eats out every meal. He is a man who puts himself first and I put everyone else ahead of me. So who do you think she chose?

So back to what I was saying. Your daughter is right. Stand up for yourself and be a man. It may not help but you will feel better about yourself. I intend to learn from my mistakes so I do not repeat them in future relationships.

Good luck.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Notaclue said:


> Hope the same is true for my W as for your Ex-H CW. I had a great valentine's lunch with my D today. I didn't even talk about her mom or anything to do with the divorce.
> 
> Funny thing is when my D got out of the car she told me I needed to be a lot meaner to Mom about this whole situation. So maybe my D did see that my W was trying to walk all over me the other night when lost it ?


For sure - your daughter loves you, and she is smart. She realizes what is going on and how your wife is not being an adult in this situation.... trust me.. your daughter understands, and she loves you...


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I'm pretty sure my D sees what my W is doing and realizes that my W is in the wrong. My W has been buying my D things so I know she is trying to sway my D and smooth things over, but I don't think it will work. 

My D doesn't trust her mother, thinks she is crazy, and has told her as much. I don't have to say a word.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Does it ever get any better ? Last night the soon to be ex-w came over and we argued over the proposed settlement. Then this afternoon she came back home while I was at work and started move more of her stuff out. I don't care if she moves her stuff out, I just want to be at home when she is there. She knows that and is trying her best to get me upset and it's working..... She has absolutely no consideration for me and it shows. 

As far as living alone - it's kind of nice as the "dark cloud" has lifted, no tension and no arguing. Still very stressful as we have lawyer meetings next week. 

I was thinking the no contact rule will be OK for me after this is all over. I have been dragged through hell by my W and I just need to heal. Not sure I can ever trust anyone again.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

NaC,
There are lots of nice people. Those people are just like you and they consider other folks feelings and concerns before they speak and act. 

I do think in high stress situations it is really helpful to have a small set of "convesational lego/phrases" to use to minimize stress and misery. One phrase that I use is: "why would you think I would agree to that?" And then I listen and just radiate disbelief. And ultimately I say something like "sure - I can do that if you will do - and I have the full list of what I WANT ready" 

Let your lawyer help you. And if you like take digital photos all over the house with a newspaper front page in the foreground to establish the date. So if she takes stuff she shouldn't....





Notaclue said:


> Does it ever get any better ? Last night the soon to be ex-w came over and we argued over the proposed settlement. Then this afternoon she came back home while I was at work and started move more of her stuff out. I don't care if she moves her stuff out, I just want to be at home when she is there. She knows that and is trying her best to get me upset and it's working..... She has absolutely no consideration for me and it shows.
> 
> As far as living alone - it's kind of nice as the "dark cloud" has lifted, no tension and no arguing. Still very stressful as we have lawyer meetings next week.
> 
> I was thinking the no contact rule will be OK for me after this is all over. I have been dragged through hell by my W and I just need to heal. Not sure I can ever trust anyone again.


----------



## spritza (Feb 16, 2010)

I'm glad you are able to find support and are able to vent on this website. It is a godsend to be able to "talk" without dragging friends and family into what is a very personal and emotional time. May I just play the devils advocate though? I have just decided that I will be divorcing my husband and I know he will be devastated when I tell him (maybe sometime this year). However, I have been telling him for a couple of years now that he has to moderate his behaviour with regards to our particular issues. His standard response is "you think too deeply about it" and dismisses it. I know quite a few husbands who say that divorce is "out of the blue", but is it? Has she not been telling you things for years that perhaps you may not have heard? My husband works away so when he arrives home in 2 weeks do I say the same things to him with the inclusion of "by the way, I will leave you if you don't listen to what I have to say??" That'll make for fun times.

Anyway, just trying to add another perspective to the forum. maybe you'll remember some conversations that you didn't take too seriously at the time. As a wife I know my divorce has been a long time coming (married 18 years) and yet my husband will claim to be clueless.


----------



## harley2003 (Feb 8, 2010)

Not,

Hang in there. It will get better and yes you will love again and trust again. It just takes time. In the meantime, now that you have some alone time, do some things that you have always wanted to do.

One thing I am finding out is that you are the only one responsible for you. So do what's right for you.

Good luck.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

NaC - your W and mine sound like twins. My W had her lawyer draft a letter stating she was going to move out on 1-2-10 and would be taking items we "mutually agreed" were hers. In the end she pulled a fast one and had the OM and his family move her out on 1-1-10 and she took whatever she wanted. Document everything.


----------



## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Help239 said:


> NaC - your W and mine sound like twins. My W had her lawyer draft a letter stating she was going to move out on 1-2-10 and would be taking items we "mutually agreed" were hers. In the end she pulled a fast one and had the OM and his family move her out on 1-1-10 and she took whatever she wanted. Document everything.


wait a minute...don't wanna hijack...but the "OM" (i'd use the word "man" loosely) came *into your house* and removed items?!?! that would constitute theft, trespassing and half a dozen other violations i don't have time to write down. i studied the U.S, Constitution rather intently in school, and i think you have a God-given right to protect yourself against this.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Help239 said:


> NaC - your W and mine sound like twins. My W had her lawyer draft a letter stating she was going to move out on 1-2-10 and would be taking items we "mutually agreed" were hers. In the end she pulled a fast one and had the OM and his family move her out on 1-1-10 and she took whatever she wanted. Document everything.


Thanks Help, I'm taking pictures tonight !! I would probably talk to your atty to see if there is any recourse against her and the OM.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

spritza said:


> I'm glad you are able to find support and are able to vent on this website. It is a godsend to be able to "talk" without dragging friends and family into what is a very personal and emotional time. May I just play the devils advocate though? I have just decided that I will be divorcing my husband and I know he will be devastated when I tell him (maybe sometime this year). However, I have been telling him for a couple of years now that he has to moderate his behaviour with regards to our particular issues. His standard response is "you think too deeply about it" and dismisses it. I know quite a few husbands who say that divorce is "out of the blue", but is it? Has she not been telling you things for years that perhaps you may not have heard? My husband works away so when he arrives home in 2 weeks do I say the same things to him with the inclusion of "by the way, I will leave you if you don't listen to what I have to say??" That'll make for fun times.
> 
> Anyway, just trying to add another perspective to the forum. maybe you'll remember some conversations that you didn't take too seriously at the time. As a wife I know my divorce has been a long time coming (married 18 years) and yet my husband will claim to be clueless.


All I can say is that all couples have issues and that when married for a long time you tend to adapt to things that you don't like about your spouse - nobody's perfect. A lot of times men ignore issues they don't like while women tend to internalize them. In my case I had no idea that my W was even considering divorce. She has done some pretty outrageous things, and she knows it, and I never considered divorce. 

What disturbs me about your post is that it sounds like you never sat down with your husband and told him that unless things change you want a divorce. It also sounds like you made up your mind a long time ago and intend to surprise him, like my W surprised me. Since I don't know what your H does that you don't like, it's hard to judge how serious an average man would take it. 

Bottom line is that you are going to devastate your H and he will not understand why you never sat down and truly told him how serious the problem was and you are on the verge of leaving him. You didn't say but did you ever give him a chance to go to counseling with you?


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

harley2003 said:


> Not,
> 
> Hang in there. It will get better and yes you will love again and trust again. It just takes time. In the meantime, now that you have some alone time, do some things that you have always wanted to do.
> 
> ...


Thanks Harley, it will be a long time before I trust anyone again. Good idea I am going to make a list of things I want to do. Mostly house things like replacing the things she took - LOL.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

voivod said:


> wait a minute...don't wanna hijack...but the "OM" (i'd use the word "man" loosely) came *into your house* and removed items?!?! that would constitute theft, trespassing and half a dozen other violations i don't have time to write down. i studied the U.S, Constitution rather intently in school, and i think you have a God-given right to protect yourself against this.


I called my attorney when my neighbors called me that day and she basically said I could call the cops but then it would look like material things were more important to me than the kids - as in the cops showing up and making a scene in front of the kids. She had the kids participate in the packing and they were present during the move. I had already had them staying with family the next day during the planned move. So, I decided against calling the cops.

Plus, even though the house in my name only, the W had invited the OM over many times within a few weeks of the move so she would've simply told the cops he's a friend/guest whatever and I'm getting a divorce and these are my things......whatever.

i just wanted to spare the kids from another scene. They are what's important, not the material crap.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Good move Help, you are taking the high road. The children are the most important. Save the big fights for them and let your W have the material stuff. It means nothing compared to your kids.


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

I agree entirely. Weird thing is my W said the same thing but then pulls this BS. Also, even though she's been "gone" for almost 2 months she still has the house keys and told our kids she still has "some of her stuff at the house" so I guess that means she wasn't done robbing me blind? 

I changed the locks....no matter. She can take all of the furniture. I just wanted the wedding album and signed portrait as keepsakes for our kids. She has already destroyed most of the memories by giving her wedding dress to charity and selling everything else or throwing it away. Very bitter and vindictive. Deep down I believe she might even blame me for "putting her in this position" - that is, having to be in the relationship with the OM who hasn't paid taxes in 5+ years and is 50k in debt.


----------



## Nicola B (Feb 3, 2010)

It is always a shock and I feel for you. Give yourself a little time to accept the idea and examine what happened to cause this.
I doubt your W woke up in the morning and decided to divorce you. I suggest there have been problems in your marriage that you either didn't take seriously or simply ignored. This is the first place to look, at the stuff that happened over the last few years and whether you handle it properly.
Taking responsibility for your marriage is a first step to healing.

Nicola Simple Divorce Advice


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Help239 said:


> .....Very bitter and vindictive. Deep down I believe she might even blame me for "putting her in this position" - that is, having to be in the relationship with the OM who hasn't paid taxes in 5+ years and is 50k in debt.



Help, That last statement tells me that she is going to be begging for you to take her back. Maybe later than sooner, but seriously how long is she going to be around a loser that owes money and is running from the IRS ? Sounds like she is trying to get a bitter revenge with whoever she can and it looks like this is going to really backfire on her. Question is, do you want her back....???


----------



## Help239 (Oct 20, 2009)

At this moment, honestly NO. However I am a open minded and in this for my kids so IF she wants back it will not be accomplished by begging or saying "I'm sorry". But I would listen.....and listen.....and then decide based on what is said.

Of course a lot can happen between now and this supposed date - I am going to start seeing other people soon after the divorce is final. T minus 1 month and 3 weeks. At least my conscience will be clear .....


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I met with my stb-ex and the lawyers all afternoon yesterday and we discussed the usual divorce things. Very upsetting and sad really. MY W wouldn't even look at me. 

Then my W came over today to pick up her mail and some legal paperwork, she told me matter of factly that she is very happy and glad she is divorcing me and that we will never get back together. She no longer loves me and will never love me again. She is 100% sure of herself and said she could no longer deal with all the "drama". She said she knows that I love her but doesn't miss me in the least. 

I hear everyone say she will eventually crash and burn, but I really don't think she will. Am I wrong thinking that she won't realize what she has done ? She really seems sure of herself and very confident.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It will take a long time, but gradually you will spend less time and emotional energy thinking about her. And demographics are in your favor if you wish companionship. 

You must have done a lot of things right to have been married for 30 years. 



Notaclue said:


> I met with my stb-ex and the lawyers all afternoon yesterday and we discussed the usual divorce things. Very upsetting and sad really. MY W wouldn't even look at me.
> 
> Then my W came over today to pick up her mail and some legal paperwork, she told me matter of factly that she is very happy and glad she is divorcing me and that we will never get back together. She no longer loves me and will never love me again. She is 100% sure of herself and said she could no longer deal with all the "drama". She said she knows that I love her but doesn't miss me in the least.
> 
> I hear everyone say she will eventually crash and burn, but I really don't think she will. Am I wrong thinking that she won't realize what she has done ? She really seems sure of herself and very confident.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Well notaclue...I believe that once the emotion is taken away months after the divorce....she will wake up.

I believe most do. My mom did years after her WANTED divorce. She has regrets. Of course, it means nothing other than a regret.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I hope you are right CW. 

Can you explain what you mean by "it means nothing other than a regret" ? Would your mom change things if she could ?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Notaclue~

My exH was *POSITIVE* he wanted his affair partner with the restaurant manager job and 4 kids by 4 fathers...and just as positive he did not want me, our children, our 4500 sq.ft. house, our $1million dollar business, or the future we had built. She understood him and was thin--I made him miserable and was fat. At first he had a lover, a new home and job, and he rubbed his "happiness" in my face--I had bills, creditors, foreclosures, and crying children, and it seemed to me as if evil had won. 

Naturally she cheated on him in the first year and he ended up living in an extended stay motel because he had nowhere else to go. By then our divorce was final and I woke up to the way I had been treated. 

It still took him two years AFTER THAT to stop being in denial and tell me that he was crazy to do what he did, that he lost everything, and that not only did it not make him more happy--that he realized that I was not the cause of his unhappiness. Yep--THREE YEARS LATER... and all I could think was "Way too little, way too late. What a shame and a waste." 

I guarantee you, she will realize what she has done. She will know what she has lost and the great cost. Right now, she has the "fun" of not having to think of someone else and being able to do all those things that she wanted to do that you didn't want her to (like put her feet on the coffeetable ). That is SOOOOO superficial and will blow away like chaff in the wind. Also she knows that she still sort of has a connection to you, that you she still has you on her string so to speak, and that if she has an emotional need she can either turn to you to fill it or blame you (rather than take personal responsibility). So in a weird way, right now her life is not too terrible. Trust me--seriously--that is VERY, VERY temporary.


----------



## spritza (Feb 16, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> All I can say is that all couples have issues and that when married for a long time you tend to adapt to things that you don't like about your spouse - nobody's perfect. A lot of times men ignore issues they don't like while women tend to internalize them. In my case I had no idea that my W was even considering divorce. She has done some pretty outrageous things, and she knows it, and I never considered divorce.
> 
> What disturbs me about your post is that it sounds like you never sat down with your husband and told him that unless things change you want a divorce. It also sounds like you made up your mind a long time ago and intend to surprise him, like my W surprised me. Since I don't know what your H does that you don't like, it's hard to judge how serious an average man would take it.
> 
> Bottom line is that you are going to devastate your H and he will not understand why you never sat down and truly told him how serious the problem was and you are on the verge of leaving him. You didn't say but did you ever give him a chance to go to counseling with you?


thanks notaclue! your comment hit home and as he'll be home late tonight I plan on sitting down with him tomorrow and setting out some groundrules. I don't know how he'll react but I can now put a "name" to his behaviour i.e. controlling and disrespectful. Although I tell him this every time he comes home and get a "yeah yeah, I'll try" response, perhaps mentioning divorce will motivate him to change his behaviour. Regardless, I am now happy that I have a course of action. See, all perspectives are good! no matter how much we don't want to know them. thanks


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

AC,
What a great story for you. NaC the more you learn to project indifference at your wife (regardless of how you feel inside) the less comfort she will take in you as an emotional insurance policy. I think at some level you have a profound desire for her to wake up and come back to you. You could waste a good chunk of your life waiting and some spouses NEVER wake up. 




Affaircare said:


> Notaclue~
> 
> My exH was *POSITIVE* he wanted his affair partner with the restaurant manager job and 4 kids by 4 fathers...and just as positive he did not want me, our children, our 4500 sq.ft. house, our $1million dollar business, or the future we had built. She understood him and was thin--I made him miserable and was fat. At first he had a lover, a new home and job, and he rubbed his "happiness" in my face--I had bills, creditors, foreclosures, and crying children, and it seemed to me as if evil had won.
> 
> ...


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

**Can you explain what you mean by "it means nothing other than a regret" ? Would your mom change things if she could ? 

Well, notaclue....her regrets means nothing some 10 years down the road. He was married and she was in a relationship. My father wasn't a gem either, but had many qualities that some would like. 

Yes. Today, 25+ years later....she would change things if she could.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Great story AC, thanks for sharing it.

Hopefully in time my W will also know what she has lost. She and her lawyer are going to ruin me financially and she doesn't give one hoot. Maybe in 5 years she will see what she has done. Right now she is as "thick as a brick". 

MEM, I am moving on and starting to project indifference, I told her tonight that I realize she doesn't love me and that I don't want to be with someone that no longer loves me. I will no longer try to get her back and that I want this divorce as soon as possible. I told her that I'm done with her and that I'm done with her abuse. She didn't say much other than "OK good ". I'm done crying about this situation and have more important things to worry about than her. She is going to realize that I will not be there to fix all her problems anymore. She has created enough problems for me to deal with for the next ten years. 

Spritza - giving him a wake up call is all you can do , whether or not he responds is up to him, but you did the right thing by not surprising him and giving him a chance. 

CW- thanks for the clarification, now I understand. If it takes my stb ex-w 25 years to ever realize what she has done it will probably be after I'm dead and buried. LOL.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

My stb-exw showed up today, a day later than we agreed to btw, to help with the our last joint filing of income taxes. 

Before she came over I told myself I'm going to try to remain calm. When I asked her about her plan for removing the remainder of her stuff, she told me that 6 of her friends were coming over on Wed. while I'm at work to help her remove her stuff. 


I told her that no way were they to come in the house as I had no idea of what they would do or take. I didn't want them in my house or bedroom looking through my stuff. She accused me of over reacting and asked why I think she would let them take anything. 

All I could say was let's see , you told me out of the blue you were divorcing me one or two days after Christmas and then moved out. Then retained a high priced lawyer to try to take all of my money. Gee why would I be so distrustful of you ?? 

I threatened to change the locks, but I'm not sure if I should do this as we are still in negotiations and I need to play this one cool. 

I may just move all the stuff that I think is hers to the garage and take a day off on Wed. I am sure not going to ler her friends into the house at this point. Wonder how she will react. Why in God's name should I trust anything she says at this point. Ideas ?


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Set up an agree upon time, on Wed., to meet her and her friends at the house. If you have any other questions...call your attorney (regarding locks). You have every right to protect yourself.

I agree with you "duh, why wouldn't I trust you?" haha


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I agree with CW--get an agreed upon time when you can be there. If she refuses, take time off work and call the police to "escort" if need be. She needs to understand that by leaving, it is no longer a property she can "enter at will" nor can she take "whatever she feels like." 

The time should be agreed upon and the items agreed upon. Ideally, pack her items, leave them in the garage in a neat pile, and she has permission to open the garage door and remove that pile ONLY.


----------



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Truly sucks Notaclue. I am currently sitting right next to you on the bus, except my marriage was only for 18 years. I also have another 25 years to fix the financial damage she's going to do to me. Same exact ending though. Same exact explanation..."I'm done". I believe that is precisely what she said. That and "I'm doing it for the good of the children." WTF woman you never even started, and I am definitely what is best for the children.

Anyway, I thought misery might like a little company Notaclue, so give me a PM if you ever want to just talk.

LIL


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

LIL, I only have three to five years to fix the damage she is going to do to me and I have to put my daughter through a private law school in the meantime - 2 more years. I will never make up the difference and will probably retire out in the Nevada desert in a broken down trailer. LOL. My wife said she didn't believe that I couldn't recover. What a joke and a rationalizing lie. She will live the high life and I'll barely just get by. I'll probably take you up on the PM on Wednesday after she gets all her friends over to help her. 

Maybe I'll ask my daughter over on Wednesday as my W's friends that are going to strip the house bare were my daughter's elementary school teachers. Lets see how they handle that bite out of the Karma sandwich. On second thought I wouldn't do that to my daughter...but I'd sure like to.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Update: My W actually told my daughter that her old 2nd, 4th and 5th grade elementary school teachers were coming over to clean out my wife's stuff tomorrow afternoon. I think my W misjudged how traumatic this will be to my D. My D blew a gasket and said she woud never be able to see these people she admired again as long as she lives. She would be ashamed and embarrassed and was horrified that my W would do such a thing. It hasn't stopped my W in the least. I will be here tomorrow and I've decided to let her old teachers know what they are doing to my D. I can't believe this woman.

ETA: this is so bizarre I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - now that is a 10 on my weirdsh1t-o-meter....

Your stb-x has lost her mind - truly - It is unfathomable to me what she is doing to your daughter... I am truly sad for her and you..

Things will get better brother - just keep the faith...


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> Update: My W actually told my daughter that her old 2nd, 4th and 5th grade elementary school teachers were coming over to clean out my wife's stuff tomorrow afternoon. I think my W misjudged how traumatic this will be to my D. My D blew a gasket and said she woud never be able to see these people she admired again as long as she lives. She would be ashamed and embarrassed and was horrified that my W would do such a thing. It hasn't stopped my W in the least. I will be here tomorrow and I've decided to let her old teachers know what they are doing to my D. I can't believe this woman.
> 
> ETA: this is so bizarre I couldn't make this stuff up if I tried.


Truth is stranger than fiction. You're right if you were making this up you'd never be so bold as to concoct a story like this. 

Notaclue, I want you to bear something in mind. The people who were your daughter's teachers may be somewhat caught in the middle. My guess is that they don't intend to hurt your daughter, whereas your wife knows both your daughter and these people and is clearly orchestrating it. To their mind they may be thinking "a co-worker or person I've known for X years asked me to help move" and thought they were doing a good deed. Okay? So don't spread too much anger toward them. Inform them=yes. But aim the anger at them=no. That is squarely on your W's shoulders. 

And honestly? If I were your daughter I'd cut off all contact with "my mom." Her actions toward your daughter are virtually disgusting.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> Truth is stranger than fiction....
> And honestly? If I were your daughter I'd cut off all contact with "my mom." Her actions toward your daughter are virtually disgusting.


Thanks Cpt and AC for your echoing my thoughts and being a sounding board. I thought it was crazy as could be also, but they are my W's co-workers and friends so I took it at that, although it was highly insensitive to my D. I'll let my D decide what to do on this one.

I told my W today to meet me at the house at noon and I would move all the stuff she wanted in the garage and they could pick up from there but under no circumstances were they allowed in the house. That's how it worked and I haven't mentioned anything to my D as I don't want to upset her even more. 

My W was in a very foul mood and was very rude and nasty to me today, so she must be having some type of anger management issues. I am very concerned for her mental health as I think she is losing it ? She is the one that out of the blue wanted the divorce and went and got an Apt when I begged her to stay last month. Now I'm being treated like I kicked her out of the house. 

In fact today she refused to give me back the keys and the garage door opener. I finally convinced her to give them back tomorrow, so we will see if she does. If not I will have to change the locks tomorrow. Question I have is why is she acting so insanely ? Her actions sure don't match her words at this point and I'm confused how to deal with her when I have to.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Notaclue said:


> In fact today she refused to give me back the keys and the garage door opener. I finally convinced her to give them back tomorrow, so we will see if she does. If not I will have to change the locks tomorrow.


 If she gives up the keys and garage door opener that means she has no safety net. She wants to keep thinking she can waltz back in whenever she wants. But no worries--changing locks is easy! Even I can do it, and I'm not exactly "Miss Mechanically Inclined." I'm not afraid of a screwdriver but ... you know? 



> Question I have is why is she acting so insanely ? Her actions sure don't match her words at this point and I'm confused how to deal with her when I have to.


I have a few observations. This is literally purely conjecture but from everything you've written and based on my own experience of more than a decade working with infidelity, I would say at the very least that your wife maybe had a crush on someone, was living a bit of a fantasy of how perfect her life would be, justifying her behavior by projecting blame onto you, and encouraged in these actions by "friends" or "co-workers" who had an affair or a divorce themselves at one point. 

It's an odd thing, but over and over again I've seen a spouse suddenly lose their mind and do exactly what is 100% against their character, and very, very often it is because they are involved in an emotional affair, flirting online...that kind of thing. Now I know you may think "no way!" but I've seen it happen time and again, and I would be willing to have a friendly bet that if you left your wife alone, that in not too much time a "male friend" would surface. 

Another odd thing I've seen happen over and over is a spouse that gets involved with a group of "friends" either at work or school or whatever, and this group of "friends" is anything BUT friends. They are unfaithful, bitter, angry, divorced or divorcing folks who convince someone who's a little less than thrilled that their marriage is abusive and always has been, etc. Then they tell the spouse "here are the tricks you can pull" like how to file a temporary restraining order against a husband to kick him out of the house and you get the house and alimony. 

Soooo...truly I'm just *guessing* but those would be my guesses.


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

Thanks AC, I know a few of her friends as well as her brother are divorced and her divorced women friends have always been very bitter towards men. In fact, her very best friend is divorced and I agree that she is some how poisoning the well. Her best friend has been helping her through all of this, so I have an idea that my W is getting pretty bad advice at this point. 

AC, you are right something is really wrong - whether it's a crush or an affair ? The way my W is acting I wouldn't be surprised if there is another person waiting in the wings so to speak. It would sure explain a lot of her bizarro behavior. So I guess time will tell if another man surfaces. In the meantime, I'll just try to deal with her on a transactional basis and see what real story is when it finally plays out. 

Everytime I say nothing can surprise me at this point, my W finds a way to do it. So I'll wait for the other shoe to drop.


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

NC - I kinda agree with AC.. My x was definitely having an EA online and that is what started this whole thing, I can see that now..

But the grass is not always greener on the other side...


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

I hope she finally realizes that it's not "greener" on the other side Cpt. She did finally leave the keys on the counter and I know it really caused her pain, but she has been causing me pain for the last three months. 

She was so friendly when she sprung this divorce thing on me way back when, now that time has passed maybe she is seeing how the future may look w/o me taking care of her and doing everything for her. 
Maybe she sees living in a 1 bedroom apt with a ton of boxes and stuff isn't so much fun ? Maybe that is why she is acting so bitter and being so rude ?


----------



## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I think you hit it on the head - the realization of having to do it on their own can be shocking - I know it was for me (I was WAY overwhelmed when the X moved out - but I have some great female friends that helped me out big time) .

I think your wife is alot like my X in terms of attitude.. While my X was never being rude (although she has been very insensitive), if I would have tried to fight her on any of this it would have got ugly.. real ugly. I can already see her being alittle pissy with me now that I tend to care less what she is doing and when she is leaving..

I think that the more your wife starts to go though with this, she has to try and hate you (I don't mean to be harsh), but really.. in order for someone to do the things she has done to you, you cannot feel any good emotions towards that person - how can you smile at someone who your trying to put in the poor house? Just doesn't work... I really think her rude and bitterness are coping mechanisms for her... the bad thing for her is she will regret this when the newness wears off and the reality of everyday life sets in..

Hang in there - try to keep positive thoughts..


----------



## Notaclue (Jan 1, 2010)

She is very bitter Cpt., like I made her move out of the house....It was her decision to leave me along with the mortgage payment and all the bills. 

She has sent me some "not so nice" text messages. I ignored the last one three days ago and have not heard a word from her since. 

I know she is fuming, but she can't expect me not to fight for what is mine. I think there is a lot more to this because she wants a divorce so fast. She accuses me of dragging my feet...gee I wonder why ? I am saddened that she is acting this way, but at this point it's my survival that is at stake.

I am trying to keep positive thoughts and it does get easier when I realize that if she were here now it would be a whole lot worse. I was getting tired of walking on eggshells and having everything I said turned back on me. 

One thing I learned is that no matter how much you may think you know your spouse, you probably don't. To paraphrase an old TV show: "Only the Green Hornet knows the evil that lurks in the minds of men".


----------

