# Absent husband...on my last leg...



## CodependenWife (Mar 3, 2012)

A little backstory: I am 27 years old as is my husband. We have been together for ten years and married for 6. We have one child who is turning 2 this month. My husband is an only child and comes from a family who though they were never financially set, he never wanted or needed for anything. He has always been taken care of and supported by his family. His mom was a young mom and single mother for a large portion of his life. So in an effort to make up I suppose for him not having a dad around (even though that wasn't her fault) she has done everything she can to please him by helping him with money or giving her time when he needs to do something she would run his errands, do his laundry, cook his food. Now since we've been married I sort of took on that role. In the beginning that wasn't an issue. But now we have a 2 year old in the pic. Even though I realize that my resentment for being his caretaker has been building up for the last few years, the catalyst to it all is when he joined a band (he's a guitar player and very good) and approached me with the idea of touring for the course of a year. Our daughter was born in March of 2010 and in Sept he asked me how I felt about the idea of him quiting his job to tour with that band. At the time, I was making JUST enough money to POSSIBly be able to support us without his income (in hindsight I see that we def did not have enough money for that). Knowing that this has been his dream his whole life, I couldn't say no. I knew I had some help from his mom in terms of watching our daughter while I was at work, we had our own place and we were going to see if we could make it work. His tour schedule would have him gone 200 days out of the next year from June 2011 to June 2012. 
So in June of 2011 he quit his job to tour and in Oct of 2011 I lost my job.By the end of Oct we had moved in with his grandparents and my mother in law with our young daughter. I have only recently been able to obtain a temp job working 9 hours a week for $10 an hour and I am still constantly searching for solid work. 

We have no money. And when I say no money, I mean NO MONEY. His mother or his grandparents chip in to help us pay the few bills that we have a month, but not only is it not appropriate for two people our age to be relying on others in that manner, it is also becoming very difficult for them with the added unexpected expenses. 

So now we have no money, no health insurance for our daughter, I'm the only one working in our relationship, and he's still planning to tour. We've had very serious talks recently and I told him that I don't want him to be touring. That i want my life back. I want some security for our family and that he and I are the parents and it is our responsibility to provide for our daughter, not his families. I've said everything I feel that I can say without giving him the ultimatum of, it's me and her, or the band. The reason I haven't given him the ultamatum is at this point sheer stubborness, because I feel that he has always had someone else take care of the tough $h*t for him. When a decision is too hard for him to deal with, he shuts down. 

I am emotionally withdrawn and he admits that he sees it's affecting our relationship. He says he loves me and would never chose the band over me and our daughter. So it seems it should be so simple. That a light bulb should just come on in his head and he'll go "WTF am I doing? I need to go home and take care of my family". But he says he's "Made a commitment to the band to see it through and would feel like a failure if he quit and walked away and then they got big.

I just don't think he thinks I would ever leave,but at this time I am doing it all on my own anyway. 

I just don't know what to do. And being that I am extremely codependent, I feel like I will end up suffering to the point of hating him before I would ever put my foot down and say enough is enough.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

So after 8 months is his band making any money? If you were to leave, could your family help out? Although I don't have a lot of information to go on here, I'm wondering if your husband may be a "Peter Pan". If that's the problem, things will only get worse. A "Peter Pan" stays 19 forever. You, on the other hand, are maturing.


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## CodependenWife (Mar 3, 2012)

No they are not making any amount of money that can be sent home. 

He is Def Peter Pann-ing it. 

I just don't know how to get through to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you gone to get any help like food stamp, welfare, etc?

One thing you might look into is to go to school and get some training. Because you have a child you could get on welfare, get food stamps, a pell grant to pay tuition. a work study job that will pay for you to work 20 hours a week. you could also get student loans, needs based scholarships, and grants.

There are also food banks you could go to to help with the food in the house. You might even be able to get subsidized housing so you would not be a burden on either of your families.
Your situation is exactly the type of situation that welfare and assistance is for.. a woman who is left to raise a child on her own… a woman with not a lot of education and/or job skills.
Since you cannot find a job it would make a lot of sense for you to pursue some kind of education that would give you skills for a better paying job. The more educated a person is in the economy, the more likely they will be unemployed.

Unemployment among those with only a high school diploma is around 15% or more. For those with a college degree it’s about 4.5%. That’s a huge difference.
There are public community colleges that have some good programs. I am suggesting a state funded public school because their tuition is much lower. These community colleges often have very good programs that lead to some pretty well paid jobs: Nursing, respiratory therapy, xray tech, auto mechanic, legal assistant.. and on and on. They also have 2 year degrees in many things that can later to transferred to a 4 year school.
At this point I think you have to figure you are on your own. Your husband is being very irresponsible. Were I you, I would not take him back until he has a job and has worked it for a while and shows no sign of hitting the road again.

He gave you a raw deal!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also.. why do you think you are co-dependent?


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## CodependenWife (Mar 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Have you gone to get any help like food stamp, welfare, etc?
> 
> One thing you might look into is to go to school and get some training. Because you have a child you could get on welfare, get food stamps, a pell grant to pay tuition. a work study job that will pay for you to work 20 hours a week. you could also get student loans, needs based scholarships, and grants.
> 
> ...


The deal with any type of assistance is that I made too much money last year which is what they will take into consideration. I live with two Senior Citizens,one of which also receives disability, one 47 year old who is a hair dresser that makes around $250 biweekly plus tips and then my meesley income of $90 a week. I don't know how much money as a household we have really, but I know that it's a struggle to pay all of bills that need to be paid now there are 5 adults and a toddler in the house. 

I was planning on going back to school for my nursing degree,but I owe about $$3,000 in student loans that are in default that have to be paid before I can apply for FAFSA. 

It's sad to think but if we DID get a divorce and I was a single parent, I COULD get a ton of assistance that would at least make me feel like I was providing for my child instead of constantly on the edge of losing everything. 

The most logical thing to do would be to leave with my daughter. But we don't have anywhere to go, and he's drained our finances dry (with help from, I won't blame him entirely) with this tour nonsense. So I'm financially trapped. 

I have really dug myself in so deep at this point that I can't see the light at the top of the whole. Either way,there is tremendous heartbreak. 

I am a very codependent person. I always have been. Both of my parents are alcoholics and I spent the majority of my childhood doing whatever I could to make them happy and I have a terrible fear of disappointing the ones I love,even though they are the ones who are in the wrong 99% of the time. I've carried that over into my marriage.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

If he is a "Peter Pan", there is no rehabbing him at this point. My therapist and books on the subject indicate that counseling and intervention must occur early in the teen years to have any success. I spent most of my adult life trying to get through to my estranged husband. In the end he saw me as a "Wendy" and a wet towel on his party life. He took up with other "Peter Pans" and very young "Tinkerbelles".

Good luck!


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## CodependenWife (Mar 3, 2012)

This is absolutely tearing me apart. I just can't stop crying tonight. He's been away for the weekend doing more band stuff. I feel utterly alone and isolated. I know that I'm depressed over this. I can't seem to get out of this slump and find some hope for us. 

And we've talked about it so much this past two weeks that I feel like if I bring it up again tonight I'll be pushing him away. 

It seems so unfair that I could be this upset and he is seemingly ok.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CodependenWife said:


> The deal with any type of assistance is that I made too much money last year which is what they will take into consideration. I live with two Senior Citizens,one of which also receives disability, one 47 year old who is a hair dresser that makes around $250 biweekly plus tips and then my meesley income of $90 a week. I don't know how much money as a household we have really, but I know that it's a struggle to pay all of bills that need to be paid now there are 5 adults and a toddler in the house.
> 
> I was planning on going back to school for my nursing degree,but I owe about $$3,000 in student loans that are in default that have to be paid before I can apply for FAFSA.
> 
> ...



Have you actually gone down and applied for help? I've helped people I know get assistance. They always took the current situation into consideration. As them about your 'change of circumstance'.

The household income you listed is way below the poverty level. Sounds like all of you would qualify for food stamps.

Have you even tried to look into them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CodependenWife said:


> This is absolutely tearing me apart. I just can't stop crying tonight. He's been away for the weekend doing more band stuff. I feel utterly alone and isolated. I know that I'm depressed over this. I can't seem to get out of this slump and find some hope for us.
> 
> And we've talked about it so much this past two weeks that I feel like if I bring it up again tonight I'll be pushing him away.
> 
> It seems so unfair that I could be this upset and he is seemingly ok.


You are going to have to start living like you are on your own. Your husband has abandoned both you and your daughter on most levels. For all he cares the two of you could starve to death. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm trying to get you to realize the seriousness of this. You need to realize that you have to go get some help now.

I would tell him to just not come home anymore. Look at the 180 in my signature block below. That is how you should be treating him right now.

As long as you are playing nice with him he does not get the seriousness of the situation.


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