# Trying to move on



## CATBROKEN (Dec 21, 2015)

My husband has struggled our whole marriage to be happy with us. Through years of counselling and searching we've realized childhood abuse, a cult-like upbringing, and being taught that you must always look good on the outside has left him very sexually repressed and resentful at our marriage. 

He has had a few online dalliances, and for the last two months has been cheating. I just found out on Saturday. 

He wants to stay married. He wants to work on us. We have had some heart wrenching conversations about our 15 years of marriage and. The hurts, the regrets, the good times, etc. I feel closer than we have in years, ironically enough. 

However, he just is not ready to let go of the OW. I've told him I can't work on us until he's ready to commit to us once and for all. We are separated, but he wants to pursue me and make it work, but won't cut all ties with her. 

So, Ive told him to go be with her, which hurts like hell. However, another lifetime of marriage to someone who will resent me for forcing him to choose me will hurt like hell too. 

How do I cope? How do I move on? How do I not sit here hoping that today he will realize his mistake and want to work on us?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think you were wise to cut him loose. He needs to decisively choose you for you to feel good about staying with him. 

Remember that you had value before you met him, and you have value now. His choices do not reflect on your worth as a human being.

Try to read books on loving and nurturing yourself. And seek out people who will love and nurture you.

So sorry you are going through this, OP.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You do not have a marriage or even a chance of reconciliation with her in the picture.

He may have issues but an affair is not the result. He's doing this 100% on his own because he wants to. It's not a mistake!!!! 

You should not just sit there and let this happen. Is she married?

A full exposure to friends, family, work should end the affair. You'll get lots of advice.

Sorry you are here.


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## CATBROKEN (Dec 21, 2015)

I agree with all, and I immediately told everyone I knew I would need to support me. 

She is not married. She's barely an adult.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

catbroken said:


> i agree with all, and i immediately told everyone i knew i would need to support me.
> 
> She is not married. She's barely an adult.


(((catbroken)))


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sorry Catbroken, this is tough for you.

Your WH has put you in this position through his own willful choice, he wants to have his cake and eat it and although he may be flawed greatly due to his past that does not mean it is an excuse for what he is putting you through now.
If the OW is barely an adult, it is unlikely it will last but do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who puts his own wants and desires before you and his family? You may well get him back but at what cost to yourself and the road ahead will be filled with the hard work of trying to restore him and your marriage. 

You have to really think of a future without him, it will be possible to move on and with time rebuild your life, he is a serial cheater (there may even be more) and such men are very unlikely to change.

You have to start working and focusing on you.

1. Do the 180 on him and go no contact for the time being, this is for yourself to emotionally detach
2. Ask him to not contact you at all unless it is something offical such as finances, kids (do you have kids) etc
3 Get yourself into IC to cope with the current emotional turmoil
4. Contact a lawyer to see what your options are with regard to divorce
5. Serve him with the divorce papers (you dont have to go through with it, but he needs a wake up call)
6. join a club, gym, etc in order to get out and make new friends, etc

You have to be fully prepared to lose the marriage (if you want to save it) but as I said you need to really think about whether

a. you want the marriage and are prepared to help him through restoration after what he has done
b. you prefer to put him out of your life (difficult at first) with the hope of a new future and maybe with someone who doesnt have all of this baggage


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

CATBROKEN said:


> He wants to stay married.
> However, he just is not ready to let go of the OW.
> I've told him I can't work on us until he's ready to commit to us once and for all. We are separated, but he wants to pursue me and make it work, but won't cut all ties with her.
> 
> ...


What you do is ACTUALLY go off and live your own life. As though you're divorced and he's long gone. The ONLY way he'll EVER realize how much of an ass he's being and how much he values you is to see you MOVING ON and enjoying your life without him. After all that's why he wanted the OW - he had to pursue him.

You just have to decide if that's a good enough reason to take him back.

Oh, and you ALSO call his parents and siblings and tell them exactly why you've left him. Exposure is the one key way to stop an affair.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

What was his cult like upbringing?

He might benefit from the specialist help of a psychologist who deals with helping people recover from the trauma of being raised in a cult.

I am sorry he is doing this to you. 

If you need further assistance and help, we are here for you.

By the way, a few on line dalliances sounds like he has been edging his way out of your marriage over a period of time if he knows it or not.

Any children in your marriage?

And have you had STD tests yet?

Any marriage counselling organised? Though this can be problematic if one spouse won't stop their bad behaviour.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't wait around waiting for him to decide if he wants to stay in your marriage. Sounds like he was never that committed to you. I'm guessing even if this affair doesn't work out there will be another one.

So why aren't all the men members telling her to divorce this loser? It seems like when a man posts that his wife is cheating on him the men all come out and say he should divorce her. When a women posts that her husband has cheated on her I don't see men posting that she should divorce him. Seems like a double standard. I'm guessing a lot of those men posting have been cheated on by their wives so they are still bitter.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course he wants to stay married. He probably knows OW won't last and figures he can hold onto you while he has his fun, then he can go back to you. 

You are plan B.

Is that what you want? A guy who is willing to fvck up your life and keep you from moving forward while he fvcks some sk!nk?

It really takes a pair to do that. 

Please file for divorce now and let his h0 have the prize that is him. You deserve more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry for the pain you are in. I know it is a tough spot.

Strongly consider doing a hard 180 for your own sanity.
Get checked for STDs.
Speak to a lawyer and check your options.

Hardball is the approach you need to take.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I agree with everyone here that you have done the right thing. Now build yourself up by detaching as well as you can. Use the 180 method:

The Healing Heart: The 180

He has to know what he is losing by choosing to still be with her. If you move on as much as you can emotionally, he sees the strong woman that he is leaving and you see your own options much more clearly.

It's your life, not his. You get to decide how you will live it. It shouldn't include a WH who is hurting you with his A.


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## North Star (Jul 25, 2015)

Pretty much the exact same thing happened by my BFF. 

WH ignored the ultimatum to drop 18yr old OW. BS left immediately and he moved the OW in. Those lovebirds made it 5 months before OW busted WH messaging BS about missing her and can they fix the marriage (LOL). OW left, and BS never went back.

As long as he is not choosing you, he is choosing her. As long as they are in contact, there is 0 point going to marriage counseling (Individual counseling is totally recommended). I know it hurts like hell, but the 180 will give you direction to focus your energy into something positive for YOU. And with it, you show with your actions that you'll be ok because you are strong (fake it until you make it). 

enacting the 180, you will be well on your way to healing yourself and building your independence /support network outside of him. Since hes not dropping her, please go full steam ahead with those divorce papers. This is your 1 life to live and you deserve to be free to find someone who does want to share love with you. 

This girl doesn't have anything special you don't have. Shes just new and therefore exciting. His straying is not a reflection on you as a person. Its a reflection on him and his flaws. It feeds his ego that shes younger. But really, He had to go out and find a child who doesnt have the experience to truly comprehend just how much shes lowered herself into the mud just to be with him. I doubt her parents would approve!


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## londonguy (Dec 23, 2015)

It sounds like a tough situation to be in. You did the right thing when you asked him to commit. He knows you so it's not like he needs a lot of time dating to see if you're a good match.

Do you want him back? you sound hurt. If he comes back because it didn't work out with her, what prevents him from doing this next year and the year after that. It's your choice but you could well end up hurt again and again. Why should your well being depend on the choices of a random woman?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my lady.

Let him go and move on with your life. He does not deserve you. He wants to have both of you. 
He is not ready to commit his life with you,his wife,his best friend.

Dont beg him,dont text him. Someday he is going to realize what a fool he was (sorry) and I hope it is going to be to late for him.


Stay strong.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

CATBROKEN said:


> How do I cope? How do I move on? How do I not sit here hoping that today he will realize his mistake and want to work on us?


It's not easy and it takes longer than you would like. 
You acknowledge you are doing the thing. You read about cheating and divorce. You will cry a lot. And the pain doesn't neccessarily fade away. Instead you will have days where you will feel okay. But for a long time you will have more days where you are sad, angry, and resentful.

But eventually you will two days in a row where you aren't miserable...that will turn into three days and eventually you will have more food days then bad. I hit that point at the 10 month mark. Some people take longer some people take shorter. And someday you will realize how much happier without him and wonder why it took them so to convince to leave a marriage that you weren't happy in.

Hang in there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Don't wait around waiting for him to decide if he wants to stay in your marriage. Sounds like he was never that committed to you. I'm guessing even if this affair doesn't work out there will be another one.
> 
> So why aren't all the men members telling her to divorce this loser? It seems like when a man posts that his wife is cheating on him the men all come out and say he should divorce her. When a women posts that her husband has cheated on her I don't see men posting that she should divorce him. Seems like a double standard. I'm guessing a lot of those men posting have been cheated on by their wives so they are still bitter.


That may be your belief. I rarely offer a "just divorce them!" advice as the first option. 

Eventually Catbroken will probably decide to opt for divorce but attempted reconciliation or divorce she will get the support of fellow TAM members.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## memorylanee12ln (Dec 26, 2015)

It will hurt bad, but i know we can survive this. Mine was a 28 years marriage. 

Sent from my SM-T805 using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

CATBROKEN said:


> How do I cope? How do I move on? How do I not sit here hoping that today he will realize his mistake and want to work on us?


You put one foot in front of the other, and carry on. It's insanely simple, yet hard. 

You disengage when it comes to things about him. You learn to practice indifference. Not hate, _indifference._ You realize that some day long ago, you were doing perfectly fine without him and you can do so again. 

You can hope & pray he sees the errors of his ways, but that's a waste of your energy and focus, and you could be waiting a long time. Instead, stop looking for things you have no way of controlling, focus on YOU and the things you can. 

You'd be surprised to know that if or when he does come back, and you've learned to heal and see things from 50k feet, you'll come to find he's not all that wonderful. You aren't desperate for him back. You're doing quite well without him, actually. You know you can do much better. 

That's what happens when you're finally seeing clearly, which won't happen unless you give yourself the opportunity. I ask you to consider trying.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

turnera said:


> What you do is ACTUALLY go off and live your own life. As though you're divorced and he's long gone. The ONLY way he'll EVER realize how much of an ass he's being and how much he values you is to see you MOVING ON and enjoying your life without him. After all that's why he wanted the OW - he had to pursue him.
> 
> You just have to decide if that's a good enough reason to take him back.
> 
> Oh, and you ALSO call his parents and siblings and tell them exactly why you've left him. Exposure is the one key way to stop an affair.


You used the perfect word to describe this guy that I was searching for:

An @ss!


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## julie.jay (Dec 29, 2015)

I'm glad you told him to choose her. You are worth more than that

Sent from my N9518 using Tapatalk


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sayta is right. It is not that love is blind, it does soften and infuse a different emotional reaction. For example smile lines. They invoke a feeling of acceptance and warmth while in love. Not in love they are just crow feet. 

You have attributed qualities to him he does not have. Learn to see past your vision of him. Start with a middle aged man I thinking he can have a relationship based on equality with an 18 - 19 (?) old.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Do not let him use you as a proxy for her. For example if he tries to talk to you about work stress. The reason he is talking with you is you understand, the puppy does not. N

File and hard 180. He is a fool and a coward. You should have no use in your personal life for these types of people.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You are doing pretty good for where you are. You did very well letting him go. From the sound of your post it sounds like you would prefer R. Doesn't matter at this point, as the plan should be about the same. Limit contact, do the 180, and see a lawyer to understand your rights. Consider filing for D, as that will knock him off the fence one way or the other. 

As a fWH, I can assure you that begging him to come back only lowers your worth in his eyes, and feeds his narcissism. Decide what your conditions for R are, should he decide to pursue it. No contact should be the very first of your non-negotiable conditions. Look for weightlifter a standard evidence thread. You can't trust anything your WH says, so you need a way to verify.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

When you figure out how to let go, please let me know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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