# Do they ever come back?



## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thank you for taking the time to read my post. I'm just wondering if walk way wives ever come back.

My wife and I split up at the start of the year, I have posted the story in considering divorce and separation. She lived in the house up until 4 month ago and then bought a place near her parents home.

Just 2 weeks ago I found out from one of my sons that there was a African American guy from America who was coming out stay with them (we live in Melbourne Australia). I can't tell you how heart broken I was and still are. I think he flys back today.

As you guessed I am still weary much in love with my wife and I guess I'm just clinging to the hope that one day she will want to try again .... I know what you're thinking...Dic*head.

I've read on this site about "the fog" and stuff like that and just don't know if all that stuff is bs or not.

I am not contacting her at all now, I've lost about 12 kgs and I'm in pretty good shape...except for smoking...but I do that because I'm continually anxious.

We've been together for 11 years (have two gorgeous boys 10 & 7) and split once two years ago..if you care to read my previous thread it will explain.

I'm just wondering if there are any women out there who something similar like this has happened to and if they went back to their husbands and why they went back.

Would really love your input as I am so down at the moment and would love your thoughts.

Thanks

Kev


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## nick85_88 (Oct 20, 2014)

*are you heart broken cause the guy is black.??*


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I give you the original advice I gave you in your first thread:

Let this cheater go. She betrayed you. 

Here's what she said to you according to your own post:



> she said she hasn't been in love with me since our youngest Joel was born nearly 7 years ago, she said it was a build up of little things


People like her suck the life out of everyone around them and move on to others. That's their life mission. She is a 'taker' while you're a 'giver'. She's going to find herself a lonely old woman with a mountain of regrets. That's who she is. She also sounded disordered based on your original post.

Join the site BPDFamily | Borderline Personality Disorder and study the workshops. You're still highly codependent and weak.

This is no way to live a life. You should be loving every moment of your freedom from that cheater. Instead, you're wondering if she'll come back? Come back for what? To cheat on you again?

Come on man.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

No Nic I'm not bothered what colour he is.

Synth, thanks Mate, but I never said she cheated before and now we are officially separated so I guess she feel like she can do what she want.

Codependant...yes you're probably right. I just want my family back I know I love her but also what scares me is how I will react to knowing she has been with someone else.


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## nick85_88 (Oct 20, 2014)

*i maybe not the best guy to give you an advice but give her sometime and when she realize that what she did was a mistake she might come back to you (mine came back to me after 11 years but as you know that's a whole another story)*


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thanks Nick and I apologise for being harsh with you on your post...it just got a bit frustrating.


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

She bought her own house? (rather than renting?). That's a level of commitment to leaving the marriage much higher than having another fella in her life, and bed. 

She's gone, mate.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Yeah, I guess you're right


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Guys, how do I change this post to the CWI section?


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Kevinb said:


> As you guessed I am still weary much in love with my wife and I guess I'm just clinging to the hope that one day she will want to try again .... I know what you're thinking...Dic*head.Kev


No, they don't come back... thankfully.

You are heartbroken now, like I was 21 years ago, but there will come a day you will thank your lucky stars she did not come back. Trust me. 

Been there, done that. 

Get going on the 180 and work on detaching from her. You can do it.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Kevinb said:


> Guys, how do I change this post to the CWI section?


Contact a moderator and request them to move it. Search for Amplexor, or coffee amore.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thank you.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Only if there is some financial benefit to her. Let her go. You will find someone else who will be good to you and your children. The person you married, is no more.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

She's not like that...financially motivated


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Kevinb said:


> No Nic I'm not bothered what colour he is.
> 
> If you haven't been in the sack with her since she discovered the black "gentleman", you don't know if you want her back or not.
> The last guy my cheater was rolling around in the sack with before she served me the notice to leave was black and she was doing both of us along with anybody she could get while I was at work.
> Believe me, I could tell the difference.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kevin

You have to make up your mind that you deserve better.

That you deserve to be loved, cherished and respected.

Once you get that through your head and heart you will realize that your wife is not the person for you.

That you will not be her Plan B.

So get rid of her. Make it a conscious effort.

And go find someone that loves you, respects you and wants to be with you.


Because your wife is none of those things listed above.

HM


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Gone is good. She fired you from your job of being her husband a while ago.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Kev, you're getting good advice to move on Dawg. Once a woman looses romantic interest in you it never comes back. You need to wake up and smell the coffee my man.
Sometimes when to load gets to be a much on them, they'll roll your way again to lighten their load, but it will be a perfunctory relationship. (hence to reason for, "failed reconciliation/no sex after reconciliation", you read so much about). 
You also need to get over any nonsense you have about how she's the only one capable of making you happy etc. Despite you having a particular taste in women, all have the same plumbing and out of ten random chicks, five or more can make you happy if they have a mind to. My universal advise is to find one that loves and respects you, and thinks you hung the moon rather than the other way around. How they treat you is directly proportional to how the feel about you; not to how you feel about them.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> Once a woman looses romantic interest in you it never comes back.QUOTE]
> 
> This is not totally accurate, although the chances are in the minority of the scale it can happen. Unfortunately for you Kevin she moved on in a way that few can, unattached financially with the ability to dismiss whatever damage she did in her wake, cheaters are narcissistic enough, let alone ones who can exhort considerable financial freedom, sad but true.
> 
> What is true is that once romantic connection is made it will always be permanent, which is why married people reconnect with ex's very easily. In your case, this may happen one day, but you can't fulfill some hollywoodesque movie about waiting for her, move on and see what happens. One day, she may just have the aha moment and return to you, of course you may be single or maybe not. In either case it depends on her feelings for you at the present time, which are not in your interest. Time to live for you, a day at a time, but these are your days now, and they always have been. Make em count.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

I think every situation is different. Yours is not good. She left and is apparently comfortable in another relationship. The conventional advice is let them go. Whatever the outcome you desire. I think it fits here. Although, if what you desire is for her to come back and for you to live happily ever after, we'll, I'm with Happy Man. Let go of the together and keep the happily ever after.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thank you all for your thoughts. I've been dwelling on this situation all day and I now feel angry. I'm no saint but hey what sort of mother afte a few months of moving out invites some guy from overseas to her home and tells her kids (7 & 10) he will be sleeping in mums bed with mum. I mean for Christsake they hadnt even met him and she hardly knows him...up until then the only experience they've had previously is jumping into bed with mum and dad in the morning.

Is this just me...or is it just...NOT ON? There is no way I would ever have a woman stay over while my boys are here especially this early in the piece and especially if they had not even met her!

As much as I loved this woman, I find this unacceptable deplorable and disrespectful to both my boys and I...and in a sense downright dangerous.

I am detaching as of NOW! Thank you for your advice...I think I've seen the light of day. I'm not interested in connecting with another woman FFS that's the last thing on mind...I just want to disconnect with this one.
Thank you all.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Kevinb said:


> Thank you all for your thoughts. I've been dwelling on this situation all day and I now feel angry. I'm no saint but hey what sort of mother afte a few months of moving out invites some guy from overseas to her home and tells her kids (7 & 10) he will be sleeping in mums bed with mum. I mean for Christsake they hadnt even met him and she hardly knows him...up until then the only experience they've had previously is jumping into bed with mum and dad in the morning.
> 
> Is this just me...or is it just...NOT ON? There is no way I would ever have a woman stay over while my boys are here especially this early in the piece and especially if they had not even met her!


Don't discount the possibility that this guy is not new to her. The internet is a wonderful and awful place.

My own wife had been having a thing with the guy she eventually left me for, for at least 2 years. He lived on a different continent. Now she does too. And I doubt very much that they met in person for the first time after we broke up.

North America to Australia isn't exactly an easy flight, but if this guy has business there occasionally... Or in China, Japan, etc.

In any case, I don't mean to pique your anxiety any more than it already has. I just clearly remember thinking the same thing when I found out my wife was seeing someone else. Then moving to Europe and living with him. "Boy, that was fast." Then finding out he didn't live in this city, country or continent. Then the slow realization that this had been going on for much longer than it appeared. It was D-day all over again, because by that point, I was okay with us not being together anymore and had started to move on.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

hookares said:


> Kevinb said:
> 
> 
> > No Nic I'm not bothered what colour he is.
> ...


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Alex M, thank you you have just put pieced another part of the jigsaw puzzle.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

nick85_88 said:


> *are you heart broken cause the guy is black.??*


woah..I don't think that's what he was saying, his wife might be seeing someone else and he's still in love with her, that's all.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Kevinb said:


> Thank you all for your thoughts. I've been dwelling on this situation all day and I now feel angry. I'm no saint but hey what sort of mother afte a few months of moving out invites some guy from overseas to her home and tells her kids (7 & 10) he will be sleeping in mums bed with mum. I mean for Christsake they hadnt even met him and she hardly knows him...up until then the only experience they've had previously is jumping into bed with mum and dad in the morning.
> 
> Is this just me...or is it just...NOT ON? There is no way I would ever have a woman stay over while my boys are here especially this early in the piece and especially if they had not even met her!
> 
> ...


On the contrary, your wife is doing the same thing. This doesn't sound too serious, more like a casual sex thing. If you can get it why not?

You don't have to jump into a relationship, but nothing beats detaching when you know that other women might dig being with you. Helps open up your world of future possiblities


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife exposes your children to strange men? Men from far away, foreign countries? Men she really knows nothing about?

Mate, this needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

She is putting your children's lives at risk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife exposes your children to strange men? Men from far away, foreign countries? Men she really knows nothing about?
> 
> Mate, this needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.
> 
> ...


This is provided they haven't been seeing each other in one capacity or another for several months, or even years.

As I said above, my ex-wife's dude was a stranger to me only. I had the same reaction when I found out my ex wife had flown overseas to visit him and stay at his place, no more than 4 or 5 weeks after she left our house. My first thoughts were "that's dangerous, she doesn't even know him" and "they've only met on the internet". Then the slow, sad "Ooohhh...." moment I had when I got over my naivete. A little bit of digging, removal of my head from my ***, and a later confirmation, and it turned out they had "known" each other for a good 2 years while we were still married. I am positive he had flown here at least once during that time, so this was almost certainly not the first time they had met in person.

As OP said, his stbxw has been gone for the better part of a year now. This is not 2 weeks after leaving him, and all of a sudden there's some stranger sleeping in mommy's bed. She knows him, has probably known him for longer than OP originally assumed, and he's hardly a stranger to her, and probably the kids.

Some folks are getting hung up on the fact that he's not a local. Fact is, the internet easily brings people together, as do airplanes and business travel. For all anybody knows, the dude could spend a few months a year in that neck of the woods. Just because his home base is North America doesn't mean he's a stranger in this day and age.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

Detach, 180 or whatever and bang other chicks and take up a hobby or something. But again.... Hit up other chicks, you'll forget about her. Trust me. It happens really, really quickly.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

TheFlood117 said:


> Detach, 180 or whatever and bang other chicks and take up a hobby or something. But again.... Hit up other chicks, you'll forget about her. Trust me. It happens really, really quickly.


Detach, yes. Move on, yes. "Bang" other "chicks", no. At least don't go looking for it, anyway. That solves nothing, other than to make you feel less lonely for a short period of time. It's like getting angry and punching a wall. Feels good for about 2 seconds, then you have a sore hand and a hole in the wall.

Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with rebound relationships (provided the other person is fully aware of your circumstances, that is), but trolling for sex isn't the answer. Some woman (not "chick") you find in a bar isn't going to help you forget your wife for any longer than it takes to "bang" her.

I also have no problem with casual sex, again provided both people are in the right mindset. You won't fill any holes through the bar scene or craigslist. Well, you may fill one hole, but it's not the one that matters...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I agree with Flood. The quicker he can get a list of phone numbers the better. Why drag your feet looking for a replacement? In the meantime consider the words of Roy Clark.

Roy Clark "Thank God And Greyhound" - YouTube


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

alexm said:


> Detach, yes. Move on, yes. "Bang" other "chicks", no. At least don't go looking for it, anyway. That solves nothing, other than to make you feel less lonely for a short period of time. It's like getting angry and punching a wall. Feels good for about 2 seconds, then you have a sore hand and a hole in the wall.
> 
> Don't get me wrong, I have no problem with rebound relationships (provided the other person is fully aware of your circumstances, that is), but trolling for sex isn't the answer. Some woman (not "chick") you find in a bar isn't going to help you forget your wife for any longer than it takes to "bang" her.
> 
> I also have no problem with casual sex, again provided both people are in the right mindset. You won't fill any holes through the bar scene or craigslist. Well, you may fill one hole, but it's not the one that matters...


I agree with you on this one and presently I've got not much interest in doing this.

The guy OM is apparently high up in the US millitary, I don't think in fact I'm pretty sure he hasn't been over here before...but wtf with 300 million people in the US and being black and I presume in good shape...you can't find a woman??????

So now I have a different mindset...no more tears...I hope, no more sucker...I hope...correction...I KNOW! 

TOday I'm getting some ink...I will have a surprise for you all


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Hi. I'm in Melbourne too

The fact this guy flew in after she had moved out. Bought a house and generally made a new life without you would strongly suggest that this is not new. I would bet fifty bucks that she has known this guy on the Internet for some time. A fully fledged EA where she created a totally different life, reality and future 

Will she come back? 
Yep. If this is the case and now the "fly in" lover has been met. He farts in bed and then buggers off home. Doesn't sound like a catch to me! 

Your Wife will just do it again. She wants to be "in love" more than be loved. 

Just go on with your life mate. I am 4 years out. You won't want her back even when she does want you back.

If you want a chat PM me for my number


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kevin
You cannot make sense of crazy. Your ex is crazy. What's worse is she is selfish. The kids are of no concern to her. Her new relationship is the priority. How sad. 

Focus on you. 

Hm
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beyondrepair (Aug 17, 2013)

Hey Kevin.

I remember your story.

Went through something very similar myself.

Married 11 years, divorced in January and 2 boys about the same age.

First time she introduced the boyfriend to the kids, 3 months post D, was when he stayed over in her apartment for a week, along with his two kids! Talk about instant happy family.

My kids were floored.

So you see, these are selfish people who will put their own needs above everyone else´s, including their kids.

She is not the person you once knew, and you are nowhere near the top of her concerns.

Why should the opposite be true?

I also had to get out of my comfort zone, reconnecting with people and meeting new people.

Have dated, and as someone said, except for ONS, dating so early on will only numb you for so long, you have to fix yourself first.

Her selfishness can be mindblowing and times, but with time and distance you will eventually truly feel like a weight has been lifted and you are free.

Focus on you and the boys.

If you havent already, I would recommend getting MMSLP and Awareness by Anthony de Mello, helped me getting a perspective and moving forward.


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thank you Ing, Happy And Beyond, I appreciate your input and kind words. Got some ink of my boys toady, it looks amazing and I so happy with it. Caught up with some friends for dinner and got a toxic SMS from my ex which I replied "I never want to you ontract me again! Will post you a pic of the new ink tomorrow.
Feeling good right now.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

And I encourage you to convince your EXW to move to America to be with the love of her life and leave the boys with you to raise them.

That way she can be happy and your boys will not be subject to their Mom's display of desperate attempts at love.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Kev,

Have you considered that the POSOM is married? If you can do the research and expose him to a potential spouse, that sometimes wakes the WAW up. Furthermore, if he is in the US Military, I don't think they would approve of officers exposing themselves to foreign nationals for potential blackmail.

Also, have you exposed this behavior to her family? Are the maternal grandparents comfortable with their grandkids being exposed to strangers?

Protect your kids and expose the cheaters,
Stretch


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Do they ever come back?*

Will you still want her if she does?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Kevinb, it takes time to get over them. I we all know you're saying it's over and such. But we know it still hurts.. Been there, done that.. I've said it dozens of times over until I really meant it.

There will come a time where you will see and realize there are many women who have been hurt like us that are looking for someone who understands and tired of the games.. They will be younger, better looking, better shape and make more money than your wife.. You will see.. They are out there.. And the great thing is they will love you for you.. 

Once you get a date or two under your belt, you will see.. 

Until then keep posting, but keep it to one thread regardless.. Makes it easier for everyone to follow your story.. 

Its okay to hate her today and love her tomorrow and wanting to beg her to come back the next day.. It doesn't make you a weak or a bad man.. Its all good and normal all these emotions your going through.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Kevinb,

You've been getting the same advice -- time to move on -- for some time now. When are you going to heed it?

When your wife first expressed dissatisfaction with your marriage, your reacted by agreeing to doing more housework and, when she left, you begged her to stay. Basically, you presenting yourself as a weak and helpless man. Women don't like that.

Later, she discovered that you'd had an EA with a work colleague. Women don't like that either.

I'm not trying to pour salt on your wounds, nor am I saying that you deserved any of this. Rather, I'm trying to get you to admit, finally, that she is not ever coming back so that you can get on with your life.

I really wish you the best, mate, but only you can make that happen.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Two issues here Kevin:

First, you need to come to terms with the fact that she is gone! As others have said, they usually don't come back and her buying a place to move into kind of confirms that. I know that you still have feelings for her but again, as others are saying, these will die down once you start seeing other women.

Second, she is exposing your boys to strange men. Strange men from another country that you will have little chance of going after should they do anything wrong to your kids. Strange men in the military who are seen as heroes in their own country, have no problem with violence and have no reason to care for your kids - they essentially look for a girl in every port! So why not an Aussie chick too.

It is the second issue that I would be most concerned about right now. Don't know about Aussie law but there should be some way too protect your boys from being exposed to this. The only problem is that the only evidence you have is what your boys have told you (although if she were subpoenaed in court she probably wouldn't lie under oath). You need to let her know that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and are taking it very seriously. Consult lawyers first before you do this so that you know what your rights are. Also make sure that you get some evidence before she takes stuff underground and stops your boys from telling you stuff.

Funnily enough, it is the second issue that should also help you with the first issue. Behaviour like this would make me get over her real fast, if it was me.

Good luck and chin up!


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> *Do they ever come back?*
> 
> Will you still want her if she does?


That's the million dollar question.

I think what BS's really want is for their WS to want them back just so they can say HELL NO. My xWW tried to worm her way back in by saying our daughter wanted to spend time with both of us together after her LTA ended. I said "we're not a family anymore and I don't think that's appropriate. We all need to accept that...even our daughter". That nipped it in the bud.

Funny thing is, for months prior to that happening, I had been dreaming of her saying those words to me. When I finally heard them, they meant nothing. And the glee and joy I felt at shooting her down was absolutely incredible. Sure said a lot about what my true inner motivations were about "wanting her back". Had nothing to do with that. But it had everything to do with me being in the position of rejecting HER instead, just so she could get a taste of what it felt like.

Believe me, as a BH myself, the odds are incredibly high you won't want her back if and when that happens.


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## toolforgrowth (Apr 24, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> They will be younger, better looking, better shape and make more money than your wife.. You will see.. They are out there.. And the great thing is they will love you for you..


Yes and no. The two women I dated after my xWW and I split up were stunningly beautiful...and stunningly crazy. Drama oozed from them like sweat from an NBA athlete.

My current GF (#3 post split) isn't prettier than my xWW, but she isn't uglier than her either. They look radically different, but are about the same in terms of "scale". The important thing is, I feel safe and secure with her. That's a feeling that I haven't felt with a woman in about 10 years. She isn't drama, she's kind, sweet, giving, considerate, and a hell of a mom.

Those are the real important things to me.


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## Lynnie1981 (Nov 9, 2014)

They always do come back! But, when they do come back u may have already moved on with your life. You don't need her in your life. Do you and worry bout yourself n your boys. If she ever does come back, it'll be good for a short period of time and then your marriage will go right back to square one. Don't put yourself in that situation. I'm still hurting from my husbands affair. What can we do about? Nothing really. Once they start seeing others it will never ever be the same. I know for a fact. I've been keeping my distance from my husband. It's hard, but I'll manage. Take care of yourself and keep your head up!


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Stretch, thank you, but I'm not one for all the exposure thing etc...I've decided to move on with life and my life with my sons. Her parents...well, her mum is like a puppy dog around her and just dotes on her daughter, the father just can't be fussed with the drama from his wife if he were to say anything...so he just shuts up....blood is thicker than water. I know she shipped the kids off to her parents while he was there so they didn't get much exposure to him. In all fairness i have nothing against him...hell I don't know him!

Jellybeans....probably not

Hardtohandle, I hope so, and thank you for your understanding comments...yes I am detaching and yes some days I do miss her and yes it is an effing roller coaster 

Carmen, I am in the process of making it happen and I have listened to people's advice ...thank you

Man & Tool yes I agree with you both. man as I previously mentioned the kids weren't exposed to military guy as she sent them to her parents. I know she loves the boys dearly so I would never disparage her in that sense. Tool I look forward to the day when I can reject her should it ever come.

Lynnie, agree with you totally, once they have been with someone else the landscape changes dramatically and I wish the best for you too.

What I'm doing now is following the principle of "just let them go" counter intuitive actions. Not to get her back but for personal growth for myself. The actions followed in this principle resonates well with my character as I'm not one for busting affairs and disclosing to all in sundry etc etc etc.

I'm booking a holiday to Brazil for early January through to Feb where I will rent an apartment in Copacabana. I will even be in your neck of the woods as I'm thinking of spending New Years Eve somewhere in the States...but not sure yet where


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## DayOne (Sep 19, 2014)

In my case its a distinct possibility. Both only because we've commited to working our a££e£ off to make it happen. And it's a lot of work.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Kevinb said:


> . . . Carmen, I am in the process of making it happen and I have listened to people's advice ...thank you . . .


Goodonya!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Kevin..... how are things???


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Hi Chuck....well where do I start. We're separated and indeed I did go on that holiday I planned and enjoyed it although I missed the kids terribly after the 1st week ( I went for 5 week).

Back home and things back to normal having kids every 2nd weekend and on March 14 took the boys camping. Went on a mountain bike ride and came off on a bridge and Lo and behold I'm now sending this post to you from The Royal Talbot Rehab Centre Spinal Unit where I'm classified as a high functioning quadriplegic ( no movement in the legs good arms, just ok hands & fingers).

So you could say the last two years have been hell for me. Yes I still love the woman but I sent her a message the other week that I never wished to hear from her ever again. I did this as I was starting to feel very vulnerable being here by myself and starting to wish for something she did not want...yes I fell off the 180 wagon.

So here we go again trying to detach.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I was a quadriplegic at one time...wrote about it two years ago in my Sink or Swim thread

I came back from it.... so can you. I am very sorry to hear this. What have the doctors said?

PM me if you need to vent Kevin. You are in my prayers brother


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## Kevinb (Jan 8, 2012)

Thanks Chuck. I will read your thread tomorrow and pm you. It's 1am and I gotta get some sleep. 
Later Bro


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