# Call it quits??



## Mommyformy3 (Dec 11, 2015)

Hi! Sorry this is a bit long but I want your opinions on what you think of my marriage?

My husband and I have been married for 9 years we have 3 kids under the age of 8. Heve always been in control in this relationship financially and everything. At first I thought it was because he is jealous and thats why hes acting that way. But in the last 2 years its not about jealousy its more. He likes to control everything about me. I cant have a hobby, im not free to choose to go out whenever i want even if it was to the grocery store. Im not allowed to go visit my brothers when I want, i have to take permission if i want to go or plan anything and even when i ask him if i could go he makes a big deal about me planing things and not taking his permission and making him feel belittle. I cant work, i cant coupon, i cant sew inside my house. Even if i want to invite my siblings over i have to ask him first. He hates my family and hates how much I love them. Everytime they visit he is always grouchy and creates alot of problems between me and him. If i dont do what he wants he takes the car keys and changes the password on the laptops changes the password on the wifi, cancels my maid service and says im paying for them. Its my car its my house and im free to do what i want. It gotten so crazy at one point he put cameras in the house, he tracked my iphone when i go out through att applications & find my iphone, stopped the debit card that has money on for me. I dont seem to do anything right and no matter how i try to understand him I can't. It gotten really ugly this past week and i asked him for counseling or divorce no other way because he is always right. He said that he wont go counseling cause i dont want to have a fourth baby. I said I wont have another baby in this relationship because its not working out. Then he jumped into divorce and threatened to leave the country and not pay child support and leave his job. I want things to work but he is so stubborn and its his way or the highway. My kids are breaking my heart if we get a divorce they are all i can think of.
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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Your marriage sounds like a cheap dime store nightmare novel. What country is he threatening to go to? What does your family think of your marriage ?


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## Mommyformy3 (Dec 11, 2015)

We are from the Middle East. And I have no rights over there so I told him I wont get a divorce m there I want it here in Cali. My parents are so mad and they are 100% supporters for divorce even if he doesnt pay anything they are willing to pay for my living and help stand on my feet when Im alone.
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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

A foundation of any relationship (even business partners) is primarily trust and communication. 

If there is no trust, there is no relationship.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

Read this book first.

And then yes, i'd call it quits. But tread carefully.


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## header (Nov 14, 2015)

Break the cameras, hide your keys so he can't take them, and go do whatever you want regardless of what he says or does.

If he gets physical- that's what law enforcement officers are there for.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Mommyformy3 said:


> We are from the Middle East. And I have no rights over there so I told him I wont get a divorce m there I want it here in Cali. My parents are so mad and they are 100% supporters for divorce even if he doesnt pay anything they are willing to pay for my living and help stand on my feet when Im alone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is so good that you have this support. 

Like sixty-eight says, you need to leave carefully. 
California Partnership to End Domestic Violence
The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support

Are some links that can help you set up a plan but I worry about him tracing your internet history and/or phone. If you can get to your parents or brothers house and call from there it might be better. 
Please also be careful about him taking your children to another country. 
Some abusers - and this kind of control is abusive- will use any tactic they can to punish you for choosing to leave.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

if you are in Middle East that is the cultural norm, and how he has been raised. 

And if that is the case, he is going to go "bat **** crazy" if he finds you have been on a public discussion site such as this. A site not just discussing his and your private marital concerns with others, but with foreigners, and other MEN ! If I Recall Correctly, in the Middle East that is actually regarded as _infidelity_ and your culture demands some rather brutal price for such transgression.

Also I'm rather hazy on the child support laws in the Middle East. Which country are we talking. IIRC if you file or leave, you aren't entitled to any support; unless you can show serious neglect/abuse or infidelity on his part.

Again him controlling the keys and communication is a cultural norm in such circumstances, since beatings and locking you in confinement are general discouraged these days. If I remember my readings correctly this was to stop women becoming wayward, diversive, and self-orientated in the marriage commitment; which the elders recognised tended to be a problem especial in a time when family dynasties were the economic and intellectual property cornerstones of society. (ie the family had a business, and the secrets and contracts for business, thus income, were only shared among blood family to ensure the family still had competitive edge and prospered - so infidelity or bickering wives could do more than bring down a marriage, it could destroy entire extended families and generations of investment and trade secrets). One of the other problems was with "immature" wives that wouldn't separate from their birth family to properly focus on their childrens' and grandchildrens' future, ie their "new" family. (In Japan, the custom was to have an actual funeral when the wife left to be married, to stop her doing this kind of damaging behavior)

So what are the things that improve your family, is it that your husband is preventing?

And you are aware that anything that makes him look weak or manipulated, or undisciplined, in the eyes of his bosses, co-workers, and friends will _severely_ reduce his social standing and influence?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It sounds like she's in the US now spotthedog. California? But that they are from the middle east and he threatens to go back there.


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## Mommyformy3 (Dec 11, 2015)

We are from lebanon, we are way more open minded than other arab countries we wear bikinis travel it has nothing to do with our culture. Actually i have talked to a muslim sheikh( like a priest) and he said that he is not allowed to treat me this way and its abuse and no way to live. He spoke with a relative saying that someone is playing with my head and telling me to disobey him that relative called me and I said everything he have done and she went nuts she couldn't believe what he have done.
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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm really glad that you've spoken to so many people about it. That's sometimes the biggest hurdle. You will have lots of support going forward with divorce.


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