# How to move on after a mistake...



## kashi (Jun 6, 2011)

I know this is a long story but I think the details matters...

I have been married to my husband for over 3 years and we always had a very close and loving relationship and good sex life even though my husband works away about 60% of the time. We were never afraid to share our fantasies and always had an open mind about it. Not so long ago my husband admitted to having cuckhold fantasies...meaning he likes to think of me sleeping with other men. We never actually did any of it but we did agree to have me strip on webcam in front of a guy I knew. He got really turned on by this, I had never seen him turned on like that. After that I felt guilty... it went on to other problems where I found out that he was sharing naked pictures of me with men online. We resolved that issue and decided to keep that fantasy away for a while because it was a problem. 

Recently I have stopped taking the pill and started having extreme horny spells. One night while my husband was away, I tried to talk to him into some sexy talk together by pointing out some sex toys I liked. He didnt clue in and told me he wanted to play his video games. So I started chatting with a guy online who I thought was kinda cute and had cybersex with him and shared a few pictures of me. I dont know if its important or not but I did say to that guy that my husband probably wouldnt mind. Afterwards I felt very guilty and tried to talk about it to my husband by bringing up his fantasy... but I wasnt able to admit it until he suspected something was wrong with me for whatever reason and I finally admitted to him a week later.

At first my husband got turned on by it all but then called me a cheater, said I had an affair because I did it behind his back. He even thinks I might of had a romantic affair with that guy when in reality I never stopped loving my husband at all and don't even care for that guy (I have deleted him from my contacts without even hesitating).. Eventually after him asking me a lot of questions ... he wanted to know ALL the details and I tried to be the most honnest I could. It was really hard to describe because I really didnt want him to get turned on by it... to me it was wrong and I felt guilty and wanted him to think it was wrong too. In the end I think he'll forgive me, but I still have this huge guilt and I don't know how to deal with it. How can I forgive myself... and earn my husband's trust back. He's talking about putting spy programs on my computer, he wants all my passwords to all my email accounts and msn. I dont mind it but I also dont want him to become too paranoid. How can we move on from this?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

By realizing the two of you have crossed a boundary in your marriage and both attempting to repair it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

michzz said:


> By realizing the two of you have crossed a boundary in your marriage and both attempting to repair it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i don't see how the husband crossed a line.

what they were doing together was consensual and with both their knowledge. his reaction may have been a bit much but she did break a trust he had with her.

but yes, they both need to work on rebuilding that trust.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

I just got caught having cyber sex too. She is not happy with me right now. But when you only get sex once a month or so, what does she expect.?? So, we are in the re-build faze too. I feel your pain!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Married&Confused said:


> i don't see how the husband crossed a line.
> 
> what they were doing together was consensual and with both their knowledge. his reaction may have been a bit much but she did break a trust he had with her.
> 
> but yes, they both need to work on rebuilding that trust.


I regard their original webcam experience to be a mistake, the crossing of the boundary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Pandora's Box? I don't think this is something you two can't hammer out. Some fantasies are best left as just that. You have learned your lesson, I would put a stop to the cuckhold stuff as well. I think you two will be fine!


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## kashi (Jun 6, 2011)

Hey its me again...

well after a few weeks I think we are doing better... I still feel guilty and I am having a hard time proving to him that he can trust me but it will take a while I think.

One thing Im not sure how to deal with is he keeps bringing that event up. There is not a day that goes by since then that he didn't bring it up yet. Every conversation we have seems leads to that even after we talked about it for several hours. Either he reminds me of what I did plainly... or he teases me about it or jokes about it. 

At first I figured he still needed to talk about it... but now it is really starting to annoy me.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I had an actual affair and it still comes up on occasion. You have to understand that he was hurt and it takes time to get over that.

The joking/tease part you just have to learn to get through. Just think in the back of your mind "I'm just happy to be here" and that will get you through.

But talking about it can be destructive. At some point, you have to talk about moving forward. If you have put everything on the table and are being honest and open with him, it's up to him to move forward.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> i don't see how the husband crossed a line.
> 
> what they were doing together was consensual and with both their knowledge. his reaction may have been a bit much but she did break a trust he had with her.
> 
> but yes, they both need to work on rebuilding that trust.


He crossed the line when he shared pics of her without her consent. He could do jail time for that.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

WhiteRabbit said:


> teasing or joking may be his way of trying to wrap his head around it.
> 
> A lot of truths are said in jest.


:iagree:
Very well said.


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## kashi (Jun 6, 2011)

Me again!
Here are the news, after what happened, everything was perfect between us for a few weeks, and then he went away for work. He has been away for 2 weeks now. Recently I noticed he sounded a bit odd. So I decided to check his emails... I found out that once again, just this week he has been on cuckhold websites, chatting with other men and sharing pictures of me and saying stuff like he would like other men to put their hands on me! 

I am so disapointed, I thought this issue was over, that he got scared enough last time to stop thinking about that stupid and sick fantasy. I dont know what to do anymore. We tried compromising, I tried to scare him, but that fantasy just wont go away I guess.

I didnt even talk to him about it yet... I know I will have to. It crossed my mind to just ignore it but he now has to delete all my pictures. 

Maybe we need counseling? This is the first time divorce actually crossed my mind but I really dont wanna go there because everything else in our relationship is perfect and don't think I could find it somewhere else. In fact, the whole reason why I never wanted to sleep with other men was because I always thought my husband was so perfect I could never find anyone else as attractive as him. I really don't know what to do next. 

To make things worst, now that I think of it. I am recovering from post traumatic stress because a man basically tried to rape me while I was working... and only a day after I return to work in the same environment, my husband sends pics of me to strangers! I was telling him I had flashbacks and couldnt sleep and this is what he was doing! This makes me so sad. How can he be so disrespectful... and give me the excuse that he thinks im so hot he wants to share me. I really dont understand his logic.

Please help me!


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## nada (Aug 20, 2011)

kashi said:


> Me again!
> 
> 
> Maybe we need counseling? This is the first time divorce actually crossed my mind but I really dont wanna go there because everything else in our relationship is perfect and don't think I could find it somewhere else. In fact, the whole reason why I never wanted to sleep with other men was because I always thought my husband was so perfect I could never find anyone else as attractive as him. I really don't know what to do next.
> ...


He is the source of the problem and what he did is illegal. Councelling or a layer to make him understand that he is crossing the line. What if he give your adress to the guys on the webpage?

Rgds
Nada


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## MissLayla1986 (Aug 27, 2010)

Ugh, I put much of the blame on your husband for this. I'm sorry, but these "cuckold fantasies" are not normal. In my mind, a real man should feel a certain amount of possessiveness toward his woman and by ready to punch out anyone who would violate that. Getting aroused by the idea of your wife being with another man is the exact opposite of chivalry and honor, IMHO. 

Having said that, your husband is right that you were wrong for going behind his back. These kinds of arrangements, as I understand them, involve the husband's consent and awareness of each encounter, not a general consent for the wife to be intimate with whoever she wants. It sounds like that's what your husband had in mind.

My suggestion is that after impressing upon him how sorry you are and that it will never happen again, you should get him to agree that this whole "cuckold" thing is an unhealthy fantasy that should never be pursued.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

kashi said:


> Me again!
> Here are the news, after what happened, everything was perfect between us for a few weeks, and then he went away for work. He has been away for 2 weeks now. Recently I noticed he sounded a bit odd. So I decided to check his emails... I found out that once again, just this week he has been on cuckhold websites, chatting with other men and sharing pictures of me and saying stuff like he would like other men to put their hands on me!
> 
> I am so disapointed, I thought this issue was over, that he got scared enough last time to stop thinking about that stupid and sick fantasy. I dont know what to do anymore. We tried compromising, I tried to scare him, but that fantasy just wont go away I guess.
> ...


kashi,

Imagine yourself younger, and looking for a husband before you met him. Would you want a marriage that included your husband attempting to share you with other men?

It seems that he has too strongly linked these fantasies with his sexual pleasure, and will keep pushing. However, some day, you will meet a partner who will interest you in a way that is hard to deny. You may fixate on him. I suggest this as possible because of how easy it was for you to cross the boundary without him, and the fact that he will be away alot in the future. You will have many occasions where you want your needs met, but he is away.

It is possible to have a fulfilling sex life, where the two of you share fantasies, yet never allow another person into the sexual encounter. If this is what you want, stand for it. I get the impression that you want to support your husand's fantasies, but might actually prefer something satisfying with just him. He's too immature for this, though, in my opinion. Just stand for your own boundaries, or tell him that you are not willing to continue this lifestyle if he is away much of the time.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

kashi said:


> Maybe we need counseling? This is the first time divorce actually crossed my mind but I really dont wanna go there because everything else in our relationship is perfect and don't think I could find it somewhere else. In fact, the whole reason why I never wanted to sleep with other men was because I always thought my husband was so perfect I could never find anyone else as attractive as him. I really don't know what to do next.


Yes, I would recommend counselling - go yourself if your husband doesn't agree to.

Having a fantasy or fetish and keeping it contained within your marriage with the blessing of your spouse is one thing, but unleashing it outside the bounds of the marriage without the spouse's consent will just lead to distrust and resentment.



kashi said:


> To make things worst, now that I think of it. I am recovering from post traumatic stress because a man basically tried to rape me while I was working... and only a day after I return to work in the same environment, my husband sends pics of me to strangers! I was telling him I had flashbacks and couldnt sleep and this is what he was doing!


What!?! What did you do about this incident? This sounds horrible! Did you report it? Are you still working there? Is this man still working there?

This should have been reported to the police, and your HR department should be involved in this.



kashi said:


> This makes me so sad. How can he be so disrespectful... and give me the excuse that he thinks im so hot he wants to share me. I really dont understand his logic.
> 
> Please help me!


Makes me sad too. He seems to value his own desires and needs above you. So, please seek counselling so that you can begin to work through these issues and it may help you determine what the best course of action for yourself would be.

Best wishes.


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## kashi (Jun 6, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> What!?! What did you do about this incident? This sounds horrible! Did you report it? Are you still working there? Is this man still working there?
> 
> This should have been reported to the police, and your HR department should be involved in this.


Yes, it was reported, he is in jail now. The man in question was a client, not an employee... My job involves doing home visits, thats how it happened. I am still working but only in the office for a while, and started doing home visits again this week. So my point was that my husband knew I was stressed out about that, and it frustrated me more.

I talked with my husband yesterday. I told him exactly how this whole situation makes me feel. He admits he has a problem. He describes it as an addiction and is willing to do anything to resolve it. What exactly we are going to do from now on still needs to be discussed but for now, he has to stay away from any website of the sort...and of course, he deleted all my pictures. 

He says he doesnt find as much pleasure in just plain regular sex anymore, he says he has become "desensitized" and is always looking for more. 

Leaving my husband or sleeping with other men is NOT an option. We have too many good things together besides this situation to break our relationship. I strongly beleive we can work through this... I just want some help on how to have a fun but healthy sexual life again.


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