# Pregnant and depressed



## Rayne44 (Mar 7, 2008)

I am new to this but I don't have anyone else to talk to.MY husband and I have been married for a year and together for two.This has gotten worse since we've gotten married. I know I don't make my needs known in a way he can relate to.WHen I cry he gets angry. I am 4 months into my 2nd pregnancy and so alone and tired of crying. It is just me and my two year old daughter at home all day. He works hard all day he does and comes home to get a shower to go to the bar. THen he comes home and goes to sleep. I have no vehicle and no babysitter and he wouldn't want me along if I did. He says he can't have fun with me because I don't let him be himself aka say sexual comments dance and flirt with other girls. I have such a low self esteem he is so cruel in the things he says to me says I'm lazy but I'm the one who does all the housework calls me Jerrys kids aka retarted etc...but I still love him.It just hurts so much that he doesn't want me around and is always so emotionally distant to me. We used to have such fun and romantic times together and now I'm nothing to him I don't feel important to him at all...he can comment on another girls rack or butt to me yet not understand why this hurts. Be yelling at me one second yet turn to the girl in the drive thru or grocery store wink n ask her if she needs a hug for having a bad day and he has hugged them too. I can't remember the last time he hugged me when I was upset.I think its entertaining to him to see me cry. He knows all the local girl cashier names at the stores and flirts constantly knows even the cars they drive and goes to the BArs n doesn't answer his phone but if I don't answer mine and I'm at the house even he threatens to have it shut off. Ive tried everything to try to get him to listen to no avail.I am so afraid I will get postpartum again I don't know what to do.Stay and be hurt and lonely or leave him and be hurt and lonely.I know its worse because of the hormone rollercoaster and I know its hard on him and I feel bad but I can't get away from myself and just need some comfort. Any suggestions please I feel like I'm losing it n I have to keep it together for my daughter and unborns sake. I am so tired of hurting.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Get out of there, he is emotionally and verbally abusing you so he can CONTROL you. He wants you to have a low self esteem to CONTROL you. He wants you to depend on him for money, travel and entertainment so he can CONTROL you. This isn't love, it is manipulation.

draconis


----------



## stav (Feb 5, 2008)

Draconis is a bit harsh but there is truth in what he says. 

First Rayne, do you not have any family or close friends near by to offer you some support sweetheart? Perhaps your doctor is easy to talk to, and you can maybe say some of this to them. You are shut up alone in the house all day, and that is not good for you, no wonder you are depressed. 

Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it, all the privileges and comforts of a wife and homemaker, and all the benefits of a bachelor lifestyle as well. 

you need to assert yourself, but I know that this is a hard thing for you to even contemplate right now in the state you are in and with a baby on the way.

Try and find someone to talk to. Your parents, best friend, any brothers or sisters? How about his parents? Do they get on with you? You need support before you can start to consider your options in this marriage of convenience (for him).


----------



## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

You poor thing. Being home alone with a little one is miserable enough, but having the addition of those pregnancy hormones racing around makes it doubly so.

Sounds to me like your husband has got so used to you being there for him, cleaning up after him, looking after the little one for him, that he's forgotton what marriage is all about & is taking you thoroughly for granted.

As Stav says, you need to stand up for yourself now. Now! Once the new baby arrives it's going to become even harder.

If that doesn't work, or you feel that you can't do it then I think you need to start planning your future elsewhere.


----------



## Rayne44 (Mar 7, 2008)

Thank you guys for your input. I have told him how I feel and even threatened to leave and he doesn't care. I'm not one to go around making false threats. He needs time to himself I understand that but we have no time together. I am afraid to leave him because I love him also I am afraid of being completely alone.My few friends don't like him n my family doesn't either but I have a mortgage and my daughter adores him. He's sweet to her.Plus the pregnancy. My doctor wants me to go on antidepressants n I will but meds won't fix my relationship.I wish I knew what I did to push him away. I used to think he knew me better than I knew myself but now I think he was a good pretender. I want to do something to but I can't force him to love me.I wish I understood men. He really doesn't care that I'm miserable but I dont want to make him miserable too.Why would he get mad when I cry even when I try to hide it he told me he doesn't know.Thanks everyone for letting me know there is life out there.


----------



## Rayne44 (Mar 7, 2008)

Thank you guys for your input. I have told him how I feel and even threatened to leave and he doesn't care. I'm not one to go around making false threats. He needs time to himself I understand that but we have no time together. I am afraid to leave him because I love him also I am afraid of being completely alone.My few friends don't like him n my family doesn't either but I have a mortgage and my daughter adores him. He's sweet to her.Plus the pregnancy. My doctor wants me to go on antidepressants n I will but meds won't fix my relationship.I wish I knew what I did to push him away. I used to think he knew me better than I knew myself but now I think he was a good pretender. I want to do something to but I can't force him to love me.I wish I understood men. He really doesn't care that I'm miserable but I dont want to make him miserable too.Why would he get mad when I cry even when I try to hide it he told me he doesn't know.Thanks everyone for letting me know there is life out there.


----------



## bhappy3 (Feb 4, 2008)

Sounds to me like you're incredibly depressed, but also that you have a very low self esteem and that you're allowing him to treat you like this. You do need to stand up for yourself. You are a mother first and foremost, and kids can detect the tension in a relationship and it's awful bad for them. 

You said more than once that you love him, but what is it that you love about him??


----------



## Rayne44 (Mar 7, 2008)

Yes I know what you mean. I think I love what we used to be.But sometimes I feel like I am overeacting. I know he has to be stressed out too and I feel selfish.On the other hand I feel abandoned at this low point which should be one of the highlights of our relationship.He's running scared.I don't know how to be strong enough to be alone. I haven't been single since teen years. I slways relied on someone else and now I'm scared. I want to be a good MOm my daughter and this unborn baby light up my life. I don't know how my two year old will handle it. She already asks for him all the time n he still lives here. Maybe once my mood has stablized it won't be so bad.I just hate being pushed to the side but he says its because I'm miserable n no fun which I am cuz he ignores me when were out n he uses up all his charm on everyone else n there's none left for me.Not even a kiss when he leaves.I love who he made me believr he was but then maybe he loved who I was too cuz I'm not easy to live with either.How do u make up ur mind to leave someone I promised to be with forever. What if I regret it?


----------



## frustratedinphx (Dec 29, 2007)

Hi,

I really understand what you are going through. I'm 8mos. pregnant and have had some serious issues with my husband throughout my entire pregnancy and even before that. The crying and frustration and uncertainty on top of hormones and being pregnant and having another small child is a lot to handle. 

My suggestion to you is not to think so long term- take things one day at a time. Start focusing on your own well being because it affects the baby as well. I spoke to my doctor about antidepressants and opted against it because she warned me about the withdrawal-related irritability the baby would experience after birth. Unfortunately my husband and mother in law didn't seem to quite see things that way. It's no one's decision but yours, if it's something you truly think you need then please do you research and make an informed decision. For me, the thought of being in a bad relationship with a small child and an irritable newborn was too much to handle and I nixed the idea really fast.

For now, I try to just take a little time for me where I can- like getting my nails done or just reading a book when I can. I know it's not inexpensive to get a babysitter, but do you know another mom that you can swap babysitting with for a bit? perhaps a neighbor who loves little ones but theirs are all grown up would be more than happy to help. It's amazing how supportive people are when you are pregnant and struggling. Sometimes we just have to let ourselves be taken care of a little bit. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this too. Hang in there and focus on staying healthy. Really try to make yourself happy. If your husband can't focus his attention on you, I hate to say it but make yourself happy. It burns me to think that I went back to work because my husband pretty much did the same thing to me- ignored me, didn't appreciate me taking care of our son, our house, our life (I don't know that he appreciates me working to contribute to our life either, but that's a whole other story). 

Just focus on little things that are important to you and make you feel good. I definitely agree that your husband sounds a little too controlling and really mean. I really might take the time that he's out and about to really look into your "options" for after the baby comes. Even if you never act on them, you'd be surprised how much more empowered you'd feel if you had plans. After doing all these things myself, I have to say I don't cry very much at all anymore and even smile again and laugh again. I try to focus all my energy in positive places and things. 

At the end of the day, you deserve to be happy just as much as he does. And think of your kids- you already have one little girl. It's amazing how much our little ones look to us and model what we do. You probably wouldn't want for her what you have right now, so maybe think about what you can do to be a positive role model by treating yourself the way you want her to be treated. If you ever want to talk more, please send me a private message. I'm all ears. Good luck!


----------



## berlinlife06 (Dec 26, 2007)

He is abusing you, taking advantage of your low self esteem and hormones taking the best out of you. I have to agree with Draconis on this. I would have to say get out of there. In both scenarios you'll feel lonely and hurt, but without him, at least you'll be able to reach to friends and family for the support you need.


----------



## Goodkatt (Feb 18, 2008)

:flowerkitty:Well put draconis,

:iagree: Get out and don't be a human sacrifice!! Do not settle for less. Take action to create a loving and emotionally stable environment for you and your children. If he controls you, you allow it. 

You may want to consider counseling for yourself to find out why you have allowed yourself to settle for this type of relationship. Take action to recreate a healthy environment. You and your children deserve more in life. Change your environment, change your thoughts and you will change your life. Be a stand for happiness!

You need to worry more about wasting precious time in your life with someone that is not emotionally available to you and your children. He will respect you more when you demand more in your life!! I honestly believe you will not regret not settling for less. There are many good men out there. REMEMBER: People will treat you the way you allow them to.


----------



## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

I would have to agree that you need to get on anti depressants. Maybe if they help with the depression you are feeling you might be able to look at things more clearly. I would have to say that he is controlling you and you have to put your foot down and not let him treat you this way or it will just get worse. I hope things get better for you here in the near future.


----------



## crazycasey (Mar 7, 2008)

It doesnt sound like hormones to me, its sounds like a very bad relationship. Do you want your daughter to grow up and think that her man should treat her that way? If not, then you dont want her to be around his influence and you should get out of there. I am all for marriage and dont really believe in divorce, but this guy doesnt sound much like a husband. You are more like a live-in maid, baby-maker, and baby sitter. I would leave him if I were you. I'd rather be alone and sad and lonely than stay and be sad and lonely. If you leave now, you will eventually not be sad and lonely any longer, but if you stay, you may be sad and lonely for years to come. Thats my advice.


----------



## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

tater03 said:


> I would have to agree that you need to get on anti depressants. Maybe if they help with the depression you are feeling you might be able to look at things more clearly. I would have to say that he is controlling you and you have to put your foot down and not let him treat you this way or it will just get worse. I hope things get better for you here in the near future.


I completely agree with Tater. Going on antidepressants alone certainly won't fix your marriage, but they will give you a little perspective and help you to stop racing thoughts and definitely help you to sort out your feelings. One thing you should remember is that the antidepressants will not start to work immediately. It will take a little while, perhaps a few weeks, for the medicine to build up to a level that is therapeutic. You will begin to feel better then. Good luck to you.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Rayne44 ~ As long as you let him treat you this way he will, and chances are he will become worse. In the end however you have to decide what YOU want and what your children NEED. What happens if one of those kids needs to go to the doctors while he is at the bar with his cell turned off?

Do you think you want, need or deserve better then this guy?

draconis


----------



## mollyL (Dec 31, 2007)

Draconis' last question is a very important one that you need to answer; do you think you deserve better? Sometimes people don't take steps to get themselves out of situations because, deep down, they don't believe that they are worth any better.


----------



## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

mollyL said:


> Draconis' last question is a very important one that you need to answer; do you think you deserve better? Sometimes people don't take steps to get themselves out of situations because, deep down, they don't believe that they are worth any better.



And if you don't honestly believe that you are worth more than this, then ask yourself whether your kids deserve better than to grow up in an environment where their mother feels the way you do.


----------

