# My feelings and interests in a girl has me in a dilema



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hello. I need advice on how to handle my situation with another woman. 
I am a 41 year old father of two and I've been divorced for almost 2 years now. I've had several long term relationships since, but I've met this girl (she's 28 and very attractive) about 2 months ago and my feelings for her I haven't felt since I was in high school. Crazy.
I apologize for this very long post but it's so everyone can understand the dynamic and how I should handle it from this point forward.
She and I work at the same school. But we rarely see each other. I first found out that she moved here from another state leaving her BF behind. Apparently, things have not been good. And that she was interested in hanging out with me.
So I asked her out to go rock climbing. Not exactly romantic, but I wanted there to be no pressure. Plus, it turns out she loves rock climbing. She also gave me her #.
Suddenly, we started running into each other more often. And she would always smile and say hello.
Two days before we had the rock climbing date, she came to my office out of the blue to tell me she is in a serious LD relationship and would understand if I wanted to cancel. My response was unrehearsed and arguably stupid. I said that I like her and think she is beautiful. And that we should still go out and have fun. 

It turned out to be a long "date" with rock climbing, having a picnic and taking a walk through the park. It was a 5 hr "date" and we had fun. However, at the end she mentioned her boyfriend briefly (something about having surgery). It threw me off as I was going to attempt to kiss her. We stood facing each other at the end of the date which felt like an eternity and I froze. No kiss to end the date.
We ended up going out for drinks the next night though. This time she made a b-line for her car at the end of the date.
Now you would think she's not interested in me at all at this point and I thought the same. So I stopped chasing her. Two days later she came to my office to hang out and talk. She asked if I was ok? I played it off and ignored the question. We started to talk more at this point.
Over the next month we would meet for lunch once a week and discuss many of our interests. It was during this time that I discovered we had a lot in common. And it was apparent she enjoyed spending time hanging out with me and talking. We'd email each other once a day with something interesting or something funny. But we would rarely text. What I've also learned is that she's a bit of an introvert, strong willed, and at times often self-deprecating. She would make comments about me as someone that had an interesting life and had my **** together. 
So it sounds like she likes me. However, if she had an interest in me, she was playing hard to get. 
She apparently brags about me and many of my suggestions. Apparently, she has been taking her friend out to many of the places I've suggested and would always tell me it was great.
She went back home for Thanksgiving and told me she was going to be staying with her BF. That she was making plans to do things with him there, that her and I have been doing the past month. She told me that my road trip for Thanksgiving sounded better than her trip. We never contacted each other during the Thanksgiving break.

Early this week, I surprised her at a dinner function she had to attend and that was optional for me. She walked up and said how excited she was to see me there. We hung out a bit and she asked me how my road trip went.At one point She and her friend were going to go for drinks afterwards and she asked me to go. I declined saying I had to leave. The look on her face was of shock. She really looked surprised and a bit upset. I was playing a little hard to get too I guess. I now recall another time where many of us went bowling and drinks afterwards. I left the group early because I had other plans to go to a cool beer/music concert. She ended up texting me later if it was too late for her and her GF to go. It was but we still met for a beer afterwards. And maybe my playing hard to get was working?

The next day I ran into her and she invited me to a X-mas party her friend was having that night. I told her I would get back with her and later told her to count me in. She replied she was excited and she picked me up and we went to the party. I tried to play it cool at the party mingling with many of the other people there. Afterwards, she took me home and we had another great conversation on the way. At one point as we were in my drive way she explained she was ill and the only person who cared or helped her was her roommate. I tried to say something of the effect that I didn't know. Then there was an "awkward silence". I felt like she was waiting for me to say something and I told her that I still liked her. Stupid I know!! My co-worker said that I've been sending mixed messages of sometimes ignoring her and other times showing interest. So I said it. In hindsight, I regret it. Because I'm told that you should never share your feelings like that. So much for me playing hard to get. Why couldn't I see the obvious?
However, she responded that she liked me too. She also said things were really crazy and bad between her BF at the moment. I changed the subject and then soon after said goodnight and left.
I couldn't believe what a fool I was. Sharing my feelings like that. It's been extremely difficult to gauge if she likes me and is playing hard to get or if it's just the classic friendzone.

The next morning she sent me an email about one of these conspiracy topics her and I discussed at the party. Looks like I didn't scare her completely off. I didn't reply back till the end of the day. I waited that long because I didn't want to come across as needy again. Ever.
Yesterday, I sent her a text that I was stopping to pick up some lunch and if she was interested. She replied back with a yes please. However, just before I picked up lunch she said if she could take a rain check because she was "terrible company". I took it as she's not in any shape to talk to me because she's upset/sad/depressed with her breakup. How do I know? She and I share music on a music streaming site and I noticed she's listening to all these breakup songs. Yikes!
The crazy thing was that I was only going to drop off lunch and tell her that I couldn't eat with her. But I never mentioned it. Just dropped the whole lunch thing.
At the end of the day I sent her a funny website to cheer her up. She replied back that it was cute and funny and asked me a question about one of the funny photos.
And that's where I now stand. And I'm not going to initiate another email/text to her.
What I realize now is that it's probably risky to get into the middle between her and her ex-bf. That it's very fresh.I later learned from a coworker that spoke with her this week that the Thanksgiving trip was a bad one for her. That the guy made promises he couldn't keep and does not have his **** together. She then told my co-worker that she broke up with her BF. And that's she also upset because she's "getting old" and thinks her time is running out (marriage?).
If I am playing a factor into some of this, she may resent or hate me. I feel like I just need to let her completely go. I have a date with a different girl this Friday, so I'm working on this. I know I need to not fixate on one girl, but it took me longer than to hook up with another girl. I'm making plans with my guy friends the next night. Keeping myself busy.
However, at the same time I feel like I should become indifferent, yet ignoring her is a ****ty move considering she's in a dark and depressive state with her breakup and is lonely. Couldn't this be a good opportunity to be there for her. Or is that only setting me up to fail? What should I do? If she asks what I'm up to next week, how should I respond about my date Friday night?
Again, my apologies for the long winded email. Just didn't want to leave out details.
And yes, you don't have to remind me to keep my mouth FN' shut to her (and to my date Friday nite)about my feelings. Ugh.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I think you played it well so far. Does the BF know shes dating other people? Is she dating others besides you and BF? If the answer is yes to both questions time will only tell what she will do. I'd drop her like a bad habit if she didn't tell the bf that shes dating other people. 

I'd keep dating other women and make sure she knows you are. You don't want a fixer upper either, don't mend her ill feelings with her ex bf. She's not telling you about because she doesn't want to burden you with it and she likes you and doesn't want to been seen as unattractive to you by whining to you about a bad bf. Keep your boundaries and be nice. She'll need to heal on her own so she can move on and date other people. I would also stop snooping for answers with your co worker. If she wanted you to know she'd tell you and its only going to make you question everything your doing because your getting information that hasn't been released directly to you. 
I'd back off. She needs time to heal and probably isn't ready for anything serious. Go out, have fun but don't drop any emotional bombs on her.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> Two days before we had the rock climbing date, she came to my office out of the blue to tell me she is in a serious LD relationship and would understand if I wanted to cancel. My response was unrehearsed and arguably stupid. I said that I like her and think she is beautiful. And that we should still go out and have fun.
> 
> It turned out to be a long "date" with rock climbing, having a picnic and taking a walk through the park. It was a 5 hr "date" and we had fun.


Why are you pursuing a woman who is in a serious relationship with another man?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> I'd back off. She needs time to heal and probably isn't ready for anything serious. Go out, have fun but don't drop any emotional bombs on her.


I agree. Back off, let her make a clean break from her boyfriend and get herself together. You don't want to deal with all that, it's just so drama. Also, do you really want to be her rebound? Maybe in a few months or so, you can revisit dating her.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

IMO,
This girl is playing you until she meets someone else she's attracted to.
She knew how you felt about her even before you told her. 
Also she's almost half your age , and she's looking for someone to marry and settle down. Obviously her boyfriend is not the one, and you're not the one , so why does she have you around?
She has " frienzoned " you and kept you on the edge by sending mixed signals.

It's a kind of power play.

Start showing less interest in her and date another woman. If she comes around , let her do the chasing. If she doesn't then simply move on.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

I admit I got sucked into the companionship with her even though I learned she was in a LD relationship. I think knowing how it became long-distance and how it has been going since gave me the impression that since it was not a good relationship, it was "ok" to go out with her. And I know that I was infatuated with her. Haven't felt this way since High School. I didn't even feel like this when I first met my ex-wife. So I just struggled with it. My emotions were through the roof.
She likes older men. Her BF was set to retire in about 12 years.
And I do not want to be a rebound. However, this situation is similar to when I met my ex. And we ended up getting married and had a great marriage for the first 8 years. Anyways, I know the potential of rebound is there.

And I agree I might have been played. To fill that empty void she was feeling when she left her BF and it became a LD relationship. And it makes me angry just thinking about it. So tempted to discuss this with her, but I know it's better to bite my tongue.

I think my plan will be to focus more of my effort into other women and of course, myself. And if she starts asking me out for lunch or whatever, my response will be that I already have plans. 
Maybe a few months from now I can see how she's doing and where things are at.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> Her BF was set to retire in about 12 years.


Ahh thats really kinda creepy. That means he's 52 and shes 28. Girls got daddy issues. Your feelings are like that because shes a hot 28 year old who likes older guys. Deffinately see other women since you don't know if she told the BF shes dating other men. I'd totally let her chase you. 

He's not doing a damn thing because he's older and sickly and she goes back to see him in another state. She's not attracted to healthy men yet. Give her time, be friends but nothing more. Let her chase you and fix you, that's her thing right now.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hey Gonnabealright. 
I don't know if he's that old. But he's definitely not her age.
She did reveal to me that her parents had a divorce when she was younger (high school?)and it was pretty bad. I think it ****ed her up. 
Yeah, I have no idea what the guy knows and/or doesn't. She did reveal on our first "date" that he lets her have all the freedom she wants while she's living away.
But I know she's in a dark place right now because I'm pretty certain she's broken up and is finally coming to grips with the reality that he's not the one.
Yes, I need to play it cool and back off. And if she's truly interested, let her chase me. 
The only thing I'm unsure of is how long should I remain uninterested? There's always a point where the other person eventually gives up and moves on,
And that goes for any girl I plan to date. How careful should I be to let a girl know that she has a chance with me without me chasing her?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> Hey Gonnabealright.
> I don't know if he's that old. But he's definitely not her age.
> She did reveal to me that her parents had a divorce when she was younger (high school?)and it was pretty bad. I think it ****ed her up.
> Yeah, I have no idea what the guy knows and/or doesn't. She did reveal on our first "date" that he lets her have all the freedom she wants while she's living away.
> ...


She'll have to use her mouth and her words. lol Like a big girl. You already told her your attracted to her she knows already. I totally get being attracted to her. I like her too and I have no idea what she's about. I'm just saying I relate. Im 41 and any 28 yr that smiles at me makes me want to pursue. You don't need to saying anything more about it.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

I guess what I'm trying to say is let her ask you out, let her say I like you too and I want more. Do that by not intiating that conversation. Date her but don't give in. I'm excited for you.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

OP, in the beginning, she told you that she has a boyfriend. Yet, men like you pursue anyway thinking 'to hell with her current boyfriend'. It might work for you, but in my opinion, it's a pretty [email protected] thing to do.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> OP, in the beginning, she told you that she has a boyfriend. Yet, men like you pursue anyway thinking 'to hell with her current boyfriend'. It might work for you, but in my opinion, it's a pretty [email protected] thing to do.


I politely disagree. Yeah, a BF she left and who lives a thousand miles away. 
I think it would be crappy if I spoke bad about her BF to her. Or to tell her to dump him, etc. Or to tell her I'm better than her BF. Or to kiss her or even more.
But I never did any of those things. 
I held back each time when it came to kissing because of the BF.
The only thing I did was hang out with her and tell her how I feel. Maybe that's where you feel I was wrong. But I've seen men and women do much worse.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Start showing less interest in her and date another woman. If she comes around , let her do the chasing. If she doesn't then simply move on.


:iagree:


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

They say the relationship age difference law is (half your age +7) 
In your case it is 20 +7 is 27 and she is 28, works for you! 

that on a humorous note. The truth is, what matters is how you feel. My best friends dad married a 25 years younger woman so her"step mom" was only 6 years older and they ended up having more sister-like relationship. 

My hubby is 8 years older and I wouldn't have it any other way.

I am surprised people your age are still playing games and sending signals, I would just lay my cards on the table - take it or leave it. I think when you told her how you feel was the right thing to do. Now she can have all the time she needs before making her decision. 

Imagine in late 50s and 60s still playing the signal games, it's funny, you don't have the luxury of time anymore, I find it practical how people that age group do it - straight up tell how it is. 

For men however it is easier than for women, a guy in his 40s is a catch. I just remembered my other close girlfriend my age just had a baby with her french-man that is 15 years older than her. 

As I am now closer to my thirties than twenties I sometimes feel like my youth is running out but since I am happily married I am not too worried.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Feeling-Lonely said:


> They say the relationship age difference law is (half your age +7)
> In your case it is 20 +7 is 27 and she is 28, works for you!
> 
> that on a humorous note. The truth is, what matters is how you feel. My best friends dad married a 25 years younger woman so her"step mom" was only 6 years older and they ended up having more sister-like relationship.
> ...


It's a bit flattering to hear that 40 year old men are a catch.haha. I just have a hard time believing that, but thanks. 

Yeah, the whole game thing is annoying. I have male friends trying to convince me to be a player and my female friends are telling me to share my feelings/ communicate.

By the way, I received an unexpected text from her today. It was just about a new activity she just learned, at a place her and I went to on our first "date". Just an FYI from her.
I'm not responding since it's just a simple FYI. Kinda sounds like I'm playing a game, eh?


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Sounds like she tries to keep you around and feed your interest in her...


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Aerith said:


> Sounds like she tries to keep you around and feed your interest in her...


Hi. I get the first part. But the 2nd part I don't quite follow..."feed your interest in her". Do you simply mean....oh damn. I think I get it. The same as stringing me along? Using me? Do women actually use guys like this? I know I never have. I just couldn't bear the thought of breaking someone's heart for short term gain.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> Hi. I get the first part. But the 2nd part I don't quite follow..."feed your interest in her". Do you simply mean....oh damn. I think I get it. The same as stringing me along? Using me? Do women actually use guys like this? I know I never have. I just couldn't bear the thought of breaking someone's heart for short term gain.


I am not saying she is using you... Or at least, it's not my definition of "using" 

For me it looks like she didn't make up her mind about you or any other man - and she tries to keep you around in case she decides to develop relationship with you.

Just my thoughts about the described situation:

1.I don't think she knows about your strong feelings for her. 

2. Her bf is kind of conceptual now - he exists somewhere but is not part of her life. 

3. And look, regarding breaking someone heart - you are dating other women - for me it would be a clear message that you are playing around... 

Again, it's subjective and I might be wrong - happened before


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> I admit I got sucked into the companionship with her even though I learned she was in a LD relationship. I think knowing how it became long-distance and how it has been going since gave me the impression that since it was not a good relationship, it was "ok" to go out with her. And I know that I was infatuated with her. Haven't felt this way since High School. I didn't even feel like this when I first met my ex-wife. So I just struggled with it. My emotions were through the roof.


It's just a feeling. When she moves just right, her clothes and body attitude is just right it short cuts your brain and you are highly attracted. I would look at her character and buddy they usually say the real attractive ones always have someone, but still the ones who get with people when they are with someone usually never shut down their cheating. That's what it is. If you where going to mess with her, ask her to tell her BF that she's seeing others. 



Houstondad said:


> She likes older men. Her BF was set to retire in about 12 years.
> And I do not want to be a rebound. However, this situation is similar to when I met my ex. And we ended up getting married and had a great marriage for the first 8 years. Anyways, I know the potential of rebound is there.


Some of them do prefer older men. I think a 40 to 30 age gap is not that big of a deal, she's basically 30, but she's not thirty. She could be clinging to her youth or she could be happy to be more mature, you gotta figure that one out.



Houstondad said:


> And I agree I might have been played. To fill that empty void she was feeling when she left her BF and it became a LD relationship. And it makes me angry just thinking about it. So tempted to discuss this with her, but I know it's better to bite my tongue.


At that age "being played" is a high percentage. People are just filling needs, etc. My question is does it ever end.



Houstondad said:


> I think my plan will be to focus more of my effort into other women and of course, myself. And if she starts asking me out for lunch or whatever, my response will be that I already have plans.
> Maybe a few months from now I can see how she's doing and where things are at.


If she is playing, you could always have another one to four ladies who are doing exaclty the same thing and just be there for the sex. I wouldn't give them ladies too much of myself, possibly some dinner once in a while.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> It's a bit flattering to hear that 40 year old men are a catch.haha. I just have a hard time believing that, but thanks.
> 
> Yeah, the whole game thing is annoying. I have male friends trying to convince me to be a player and my female friends are telling me to share my feelings/ communicate.
> 
> ...


A 40's well kept guy is a super catch for many of these ladies. One of my home boys is 50 years old and he was like he's good down to 30, below that they are just too young and immature and play too many games. Women that have been married or single mothers with some years on them are usually more direct and fair.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

So I've decided to stop pursuing her and showing interest in her. The text she sent me yesterday I have not replied to and see no reason to. I'm not responding to every email or text from her. She already knows how I feel about her. I'm not necessarily going to go cold turkey and cut her off completely. So I will talk to her if she approaches me and I'll answer a text or email that must be answered if she sends me one. 
Today, we saw each other from a distance and she waived hello. I returned a little smile and wave and kept going to my office. I had **** to do!
This afternoon I had a meeting with some of the staff of her department. I sent invites to two of them last week who had requested to meet, but I did not send an invite to her (she wasn't part of the original discussion). Well, when the two staff members showed up, she arrived as well. Couldn't help but overanalyze why she showed up to the meeting in my head. But regardless, I'm backing off. The only thing I don't want to do is to cut her off so much that she feels hurt by it because as far as I know she at the very least sees me as a good "friend". It sure would be a prick move on my part by overdoing it. What if she asks why I'm becoming distant? I want to tell her that I'm just giving her space because of what she is going through with her relationship. 

I might be wrong, but becoming more distant has it's advantages for me:
1. If she's interested, she'll approach/pursue me. And even then, I'm still going to be neutral for awhile. Not going to rush anything. 

2. If she doesn't try to pursue me, then the writing is on the wall. It'll suck, but at least I know and can move on.


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## Feeling-Lonely (Nov 13, 2013)

You have got it. Show her that you have got your life together and she just might want a part of it, at least a smart woman would.


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Forwarded her a coworker's email this morning who had left her off and she replied thank you.
Then she proceeded to send me another email about a student situation where two feuding girls shared with her that they're now friends. I responded as a matter of fact the student approached me at lunch the other day in high spirits with the news. 
She responded with just two letters "ew". I haven't responded. But that makes no sense? ew as in gross? How did my statement of high spirits result in an "ew"? Weird. Anyone know what she meant by that?
I am not going to send her an email asking and I wonder if I should even bring it up at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

I think you are setting yourself up for trouble. It has nothing to do with the age thing (I dated a 42 y/o when I was 28, it's not all that uncommon.) 

You think she moved away to the leave the relationship, yet she straight up told you that she is a serious LD relationship. She tries to talk about her guy to you, and she told you that she stayed with him over the holiday. It doesn't really matter if the relationship is great or terrible- *she is very clearly still in it.* 

That is all you really to know. If you were in a good, healthy place you would walk, IMO. 

She is showing you who she is. She is not necessarily a bad person, but she sure is NOT a good or safe bet for someone's heart. At least not at this time. (Well, unless you like your S/Os to hang out with other men, even when she knows that the other guys like her.) 

And you- right now, if you chase her, you are basically just another OM. You are getting some needs met by her (probably admiration and physical attraction) but you won't get the whole show. And if you do later get it all, you are not very likely to maintain it exclusively. Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior, barring really significant work on one's self to change patterns. You are putting your heart out to someone who won't treat it well. Just look at how well she is treating her current guy's heart. 

If you can get the proverbial 50,000 ft, your perspective might change quite a lot.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

This is like an unwritten rule. Never and I mean never get involved with anyone else still in a relationship. Your just asking for problems. It might work out and might not. She cheated on her BF to spend time with you. You just opened yourself up to being cheated on in the future and your pushing her for it to happen. She won't feel bad one bit when its your turn because she will think back to how you pushed her and you knew what you were getting into. 

I would run from this girl. 

Clay


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Sounds to me like she has been confused.....perhaps she was trying to be faithful and committed to her relationship with BF but she was attracted to you at the same time and so that is why you were getting conflicting messages from her.

I do not think it hurts to date other women, you are not actually "dating" this woman. I think she enjoys the friendship, enjoys the company, might even have an interest in you but unless she breaks clean of the BF you cannot really consider her more than an interest, or friend, yourself.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Clay2013 said:


> This is like an unwritten rule. Never and I mean never get involved with anyone else still in a relationship. Your just asking for problems. It might work out and might not. She cheated on her BF to spend time with you. You just opened yourself up to being cheated on in the future and your pushing her for it to happen. She won't feel bad one bit when its your turn because she will think back to how you pushed her and you knew what you were getting into.
> 
> I would run from this girl.
> 
> Clay


Clay is right any other emails just keep it work related.
If she comes to you later and says she broke it off with him maybe.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

From your first post: "*I am a 41 year old father of two and I've been divorced for almost 2 years now. I've had several long term relationships since*."

How do you have "several" long term relationships within 2 years?

What do you consider long term, a few weeks?


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

It's clear to me now that I was/am desperate for a relationship with her. I also did get some advice to pursue her anyways (from the MSSL message boards). Ya know. The whole Alpha thing? Yeah, that's definitely not me.
I have a date with a single woman this Friday. Kinda wish I was dating others during the time I was chasing. I wouldn't have been as stupid, desperate or needy. Lesson learned.
It's been confusing with this crush from the start. I originally heard from someone that she left her BF. Then she tells me they're in a serious relationship. I tell her I like her BUT let's hang out anyways. We spend more time together and my feelings deepen for her. Big mistake on my part. She would occasionally & briefly mention her BF. I would always rationalize my pursuit based on knowing that even though she's in a relationship, it's shaky, it's long- distance and how could that be "real"?
It was wrong of me. And over the last day or two, I've come to realize that. From the sound of it, she broke up with her BF during the Thanksgiving break; yet it's still ****ty for me to get involved. And the risk of rebound?!? I know better! Why?
I'm doing the best to shake these feelings and let them go in a healthy way. My perspective now is that I need to stay out of her life while she's trying to figure it out. It's the mature thing to do and if I have any damn integrity left, I'll continue to distance myself from her by not emailing or paying her a visit. Just business. 
Neither one of us contacted each other today. So maybe she realizes the same. 
The one mature thing I feel I should do is tell her about why I'm no longer speaking/hanging out with her. But part of me says to keep my mouth shut because that's just awkward and paints me as weak.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> This is like an unwritten rule. Never and I mean never get involved with anyone else still in a relationship. Your just asking for problems. It might work out and might not. She cheated on her BF to spend time with you. You just opened yourself up to being cheated on in the future and your pushing her for it to happen. She won't feel bad one bit when its your turn because she will think back to how you pushed her and you knew what you were getting into.
> 
> I would run from this girl.
> 
> Clay


Besides, if you DO get involved with someone who's still in a relationship--even if it's a 'bad' relationship--what does that say about your OWN character? 

As soon as you discovered that she was otherwise "taken", that should have been your cue to *BACK OFF*! 

Vega


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## yeah_right (Oct 23, 2013)

How can I put this so it doesn't sound mean? I don't think I can, but what I want to say comes from a nice place. 

I would love to see you date someone who is 100% single, born before 1983 and not in the same workplace. Obviously, I have not walked in your shoes. I am a woman in her 40's, married to the same man my age for over 20 years. But honestly, when my friends and I see older men chasing younger girls, we always chalk it up to a midlife crisis and feel sorry for them. I work with women that age who like to go after the older men. When I ask why, they ALWAYS say it's because they feel safe and enjoy the experience of being taken to nice restaurants, classy activities and receiving gifts, etc. I wish just one would say that it's because the man gives her heart palpitations...but so far no one has.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

houstondad said:


> it's clear to me now that i was/am desperate for a relationship with her. I also did get some advice to pursue her anyways (from the mssl message boards). Ya know. The whole alpha thing? Yeah, that's definitely not me.
> I have a date with a single woman this friday. Kinda wish i was dating others during the time i was chasing. I wouldn't have been as stupid, desperate or needy. Lesson learned.
> It's been confusing with this crush from the start. I originally heard from someone that she left her bf. Then she tells me they're in a serious relationship. I tell her i like her but let's hang out anyways. We spend more time together and my feelings deepen for her. Big mistake on my part. She would occasionally & briefly mention her bf. I would always rationalize my pursuit based on knowing that even though she's in a relationship, it's shaky, it's long- distance and how could that be "real"?
> It was wrong of me. And over the last day or two, i've come to realize that. From the sound of it, she broke up with her bf during the thanksgiving break; yet it's still ****ty for me to get involved. And the risk of rebound?!? I know better! Why?
> ...




agreed!!


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

As for me preying on much younger women, apparently these message boards can only reveal so much. She's the only 20 something I've gone out with since my divorce. All of the other women have been mid 30's and 40's. 
I had fun with the 28 year old. I get it why men enjoy it. But I'm having no mid-life crisis. I learned she was interested in hanging out with me and I pursued. Simple as that. But thus far, I prefer older women. They know what they want. Little to no stupid games. They and I cut to the chase and I appreciate that so much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Houstondad said:


> It's clear to me now that I was/am desperate for a relationship with her. I also did get some advice to pursue her anyways (from the MSSL message boards). Ya know. The whole Alpha thing? Yeah, that's definitely not me.
> I have a date with a single woman this Friday. Kinda wish I was dating others during the time I was chasing. I wouldn't have been as stupid, desperate or needy. Lesson learned.
> It's been confusing with this crush from the start. I originally heard from someone that she left her BF. Then she tells me they're in a serious relationship. I tell her I like her BUT let's hang out anyways. We spend more time together and my feelings deepen for her. Big mistake on my part. She would occasionally & briefly mention her BF. I would always rationalize my pursuit based on knowing that even though she's in a relationship, it's shaky, it's long- distance and how could that be "real"?
> It was wrong of me. And over the last day or two, I've come to realize that. From the sound of it, she broke up with her BF during the Thanksgiving break; yet it's still ****ty for me to get involved. And the risk of rebound?!? I know better! Why?
> ...


Don't kick yourself. Learn from your actions, don't think of them as mistakes. Move on and if she really is interested in you, she will find you and seek you out.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I am almost forty, and I can attest to the elation that you can feel when a female in her twenties thinks you're the cat's pajamas. I wouldn't hang too much on age diff..28 is a far different scenario than 23. But the fact that she really sent you spinning this high...can lead to some blind spots concerning what things mean and what is an appropriate response. Playing it cool is appropriate, but wearing your heart on your sleeve was playing your hand too much.

I guess you need to really discern if there really is a chance of a future between you two..or if it was just a infatuation on your part. Women on the younger side aren't always looking to land "the one" quite so quickly, but some may wish to insulate themselves within safe relationships with men..have someone to talk to who has experience. There are so many ways how you can interpret it...but I think you are doing the right thing by backing off...not try to do any more "set the hook" maneuvers: "Hi, i'm here to hang out...whoops gotta go!" That may get their attention at first, but then may start interpreting it as you are playing head games and that you aren't safe and trying to push yourself in the game. For a season, especially if her lovelife is in a rut, she may have considered giving you a run...especially if she said that she "liked" you too.

If it was meant to be, then you should be able to find a natural and mature stasis in your relationship...where it is acceptable to touch base without any further awkwardness or growing contempt of being spurned...and certainly no huge strings of expectation or attachment...if she has moved on in life...then great...but in any case, give her the gift of freedom and you should undertake that yourself and if things really do clear the air, and she is still someone who you really want to be around, nothing wrong with keeping your ear to the ground as to her current relationship status...and if you feel that it is appropriate to strike up normal conversation. Be a gentleman. She may very well want things to return to the stasis of platonic friendship as it probably started out for her...so I guess you have to decide if you can reasonably do that...or just have to avoid her from now on. It seems a little lame to do that, but that what happens when feelings get involved...like that one TV show on MTV where best friend do everything together, but one friend is secretly crushing on the other and then break it too them...it is such an awkward paradigm shift for the unsuspecting friend, that it is almost a given that if the romantic feelings are not returned, then they never speak again. I guess it's human behavior....


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## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Just an update. She passed by me as I was monitoring my students and I said Hi and asked how she's been. She said hello back, said she was fine and then with a curious look asked, " Are you doing ok?" I said yeah, doing fine. Then another co-worker asked her something, she left and that was it.
Then just before the end of work she sends me a short email (Titled: hey)
The email said that her roommate just purchased this board game (which happens to be a game she and I talked about possibly playing a few weeks back). Nothing more in the email.
And no, I have not replied.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Houstondad said:


> The email said that her roommate just purchased this board game (which happens to be a game she and I talked about possibly playing a few weeks back). Nothing more in the email.
> And no, I have not replied.


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## Darksound (Dec 14, 2013)

This girl is playing games. This is the problem with many younger girls. I think you should continue to ignore and move on. You deserve to be with someone who knows what they want. You seem like a good guy who doesn't have time for these frolic activities. 

You mentioned she showed interest in you prior and you pursued her. But with all these mixed messages you are getting from her, it's just not worth it. She is just too immature and not at the same place as you. 

Good luck!


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