# Would you be upset about this? Uninvited to thanksgiving



## slarson (Nov 26, 2015)

So i have been with this guy for about 4 months now (official for 2 months), and a few weeks ago he invited me to thanksgiving. I’m not American and my family don’t really celebrate thanksgiving so unless i am with someone American i don’t really do much on the day.

So last week he said he brought a girl to thanksgiving last year and it was stressful as there was lots of cooking and he has a big family and they wanted to visit with his date but had lots going on so it was hectic, and he thought it would be a bad first time to meet them so basically uninvited me.

Am i wrong to be upset about this? I just thought if he was that into me he wouldn’t be worrying about it not being the best time to meet them, so i ended up spending the day alone not really doing anything, and then he text me saying he felt really bad and i deserved to be with him today and he hates himself for it?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yeah, totally d!ck move on his part. Who was stressed last year? Him? His date? I doubt it was his family.

If you like this guy it might be a good idea to talk this out. Not just why he made that decision to uninvite you, which was incredibly rude and big red flag as far as I'm concerned, but why he didn't feel comfortable sharing his real feelings and concerns with YOU before making a unilateral decision. Going forward, he needs to know he should be talking this out with you, not making a decision and informing you.

I'd want to know exactly what happened last year and exactly WHO was stressed and anxious about this year. I'd want to know if his family might not take to you the way they took to last years date and I'd want to know if last years date was still involved with the family in some way. Was she his sisters friend or something? Was she expected to drop by? Is he still carrying a torch for her?

I smell something fishy.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Is it the fact you are not American?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would take this as a huge red flag.

Have you met his family before?

There could be a few possibilities:

1) His family told him that they did not want him to bring a date over. So he made up some lame excuse. If this is the case, do you really want to be involved with a guy whose family it this rude? One extra person at a holiday dinner should be no big deal. Everyone cooking is at least half the fun.

2) He has a very dysfunctional family and it became clear to him as the time drew near that his wishes for a good, happy family holiday was not going to happen... maybe someone in the family always picks fights, or someone always gets fall down drunk, who knows. But his family embarrasses him so he does not want you to see it. If this is the case, then do you want to be with a guy who has a family like this but still goes to family holidays like a 'good family member'? That would mean that he lets his dysfunctional family rule him.

2) He had a change of heart and just does not want you there. This would mean that he's not that into you.

Unless he comes up with a good, reasonable explanation for inviting and then un-inviting you, I would suggest that you dump him. There seems to be some kind of drama and inability to be fully honest with you. Then add to that the possibility of a seriously dysfunctional family who he may not be able to stand up to. These do not a good relationship make. 

If you continue to go out with him, you will have taught him that treating you with disrespect is just fine.. that you do not value yourself so there is no need for him to value you.
.


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## slarson (Nov 26, 2015)

I don't think so. I live with my parents and they aren't American so they don't cook a thanksgiving dinner, but i am always open to it if i am with someone who is. He said last year his family were stressed having to cook but also wanting to meet and talk with the girl, and he didn't want to deal with the stress either. Whatever that means


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

OK.. I'm trying to give the guy an out here.... 

My guess is he was thinking that it would be better if you were to meet his parents in a less crowded/less stressful situation than a room full of people you don't know. He engaged his mouth and uninvited you before he engaged his brain in considering how you might take it as a rejection. He is likely not a stupid man but men do stupid things sometimes. 

It might be better and less stressful and more personal to meet them in a two on two setting. More direct conversation and less pressure and all that good stuff. 

If you make a giant deal over it after only 4 months (2 months official) into it then it may be a red flag for him... 

In love and war you need to choose your battles wisely.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Row Jimmy said:


> OK.. I'm trying to give the guy an out here....
> 
> My guess is he was thinking that it would be better if you were to meet his parents in a less crowded/less stressful situation than a room full of people you don't know. He engaged his mouth and uninvited you before he engaged his brain in considering how you might take it as a rejection. He is likely not a stupid man but men do stupid things sometimes.
> 
> ...


These were my thoughts exactly. The holidays are always stressful, and my anxiety over our family gatherings affected my h, I'm sure.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

How does he treat you otherwise? I wouldnt be in a rush to think he is not telling you the truth.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

He's not into you. Move on. He should not have invited you and then uninvited you. If he really liked you, he would have taken you someplace else to be with you.

How old are you and how old is your boyfriend? If he had a place of his own, he could have cooked for you and celebrated Thanksgiving with you. If he still lives in his parents house, this is another story.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Ask him. Talk about it.

I assume you guys are doing things otherwise and they seem fine? If the relationship otherwise seems fine and you are spending time together then this may not be that big of a deal. 

If you have not met his family and parents yet, Thanksgiving is not always the best family time to do so. Could also be that his parents/mother did not want you there because of large crowd already.

Talk it over with him. Tell him hey I made plans to go to Tgiving with you and you changed plans. Any reason why?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some families take Thanksgiving more seriously than others. 

For some families, if you bring a date to Thanksgiving that is REAL serious....maybe his family would overly "interview" you, trying to figure out your intentions. Maybe he thought it would be better for himself, AND for you....and not to give his family premature notions of the relationship. 

Maybe he was just insensitive and stupid. That happens...especially at the beginning of a relationship when you are still trying to feel each other out. Maybe he thought since the day wasn't that important to your family, that uninviting you wasn't that big of a deal. 

I'm voting for insensitive and stupid. Talk to him. Tell him that it feels kind of weird or icky to be uninvited. See what happens. I'd think he should offer to make it up to you somehow. Like inviting you to do something with his family?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

only 4 months. don't sweat the small stuff.

but with that said I'd pull back some make him chase you.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

chillymorn said:


> only 4 months. don't sweat the small stuff.
> 
> but with that said I'd pull back some make him chase you.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Jen65 (Nov 27, 2015)

Did he ask his family if it was ok to invite you, maybe he hadn't and this caused problems for them


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## November (Nov 28, 2013)

slarson,

This is absolutely a NON issue, and don't worry about it. No red flag at all.

He could be thinking about not exposing you (or him) to an uncomfortable situation.

Just look at the thread on "Not looking forward to Thanksgiving" and you'll see there's a lot of dysfunctional families or family members out there that can make things awkward. And, he's probably not in control of whose being invited, and could be some people there that just cause problems.

Now, what he could have perhaps done a bit better, is attend the meal with the family, and spend the evening or breakfast with you. And/or do something special with you on Friday or Saturday.

You've only been with him for 4 months. Give it a lot more time, if you like him, and just let this one pass.

I've been in similar situation before and regretted taking my lady to an uncomfortable situation.... worse than not going. Give him the benefit of the doubt.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I remember one older mother saying she told her son not to bring girls round if he were not serious about them. She did not want to bond with someone he was just going to move on from when she no longer struck his fancy.

I am sorry, OP, but I agree with the others who have said to just move on from him. He sounds like a weak man. Even if you do manage to stay together, you will be the one carrying the weight of the relationship.

If you are okay with that, then go ahead and listen to his explanations. Otherwise, I would advise you to just move on. I certainly would.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

She is not American, he may have a crazy uncle who has a few too many to drink and runs his mouth and offends anyone and everyone. Its very well possible. He may just be protecting her from this. Thats not being weak thats the smart thing to do.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

richie33 said:


> She is not American, he may have a crazy uncle who has a few too many to drink and runs his mouth and offends anyone and everyone. Its very well possible. He may just be protecting her from this. Thats not being weak thats the smart thing to do.


This may very well be it given the current political climate in the US. Especially if she even vaguely resembles anything middle eastern or Mexican.


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