# I left my wife... I left my family.. I want to go home advice and support is very nee



## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

My wife and I married 16 months ago. 

We have a 10 month old son, a daughter who I'm adopting and 2 step children. 

I love all of the kids so much!! 

I left home 2 weeks ago because we seem to fight way to often however I know that was my fault but didn't want to admit that then! I was absent emotionally and got comfortable way to quickly! It took me leaving to realize this. I really miss my family so much. I'm a dip sh!t for leaving.

I've expressed how much I'm sorry and know the mistakes I made to hurt our relationship but there's nothing more important to me then our family. 

Right now she's telling me she's giving me plenty of chances and the damage is done. I can't argue with that but my dumb ass wasn't seeing it was me through all those chances.

What can I do?!?! I need to go home ASAP!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> My wife and I married 16 months ago.
> 
> We have a 10 month old son, a daughter who I'm adopting and 2 step children.
> 
> ...


What is stopping you?


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> My wife and I married 16 months ago.
> 
> We have a 10 month old son, a daughter who I'm adopting and 2 step children.
> 
> ...


Go home and grovel to your wife. Just because things get hard doesn't mean you abandon your wife and children, that's cowardly. You're married so you don't get to just walk away because the it's tough. Go home and fix this. Talk to your wife. Good luck.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Oh man...When the going got tough you ran.... 

Bud, when a woman sees a man run from his responsibilities, and dumps them...there is almost no coming back from it. resentment and anger builds to a point that i am sure she would like to take you back but if she is a smart woman she knows that she can't ever count on you again and you two will be more miserable than ever. 

You did a bad. a serious bad thing. If you have right to your home i suggest you go there. But do not presume to go into the house YOU left and just feel like you own the place, (Even if you do) have some humble attitude and ask her to let you back in the house. Help make ends meet. and allow you to help her. YES ALLOW because it is a privilege. 

Don't expect her to give you promises or anything but allowing you to stay and SHOW that you will help and not run again. Actions over words. Don't even try to promise never gonna happen. SHOW her. If she does not allow you in the house then legally you can camp on your property. Buy a tent and take up a corner in the yard. Seriously do this. Give your wife the space she needs if so required but make sure she has to see your face EVERY DAY. make the kids your priority, because when you left they were not a priority, You were. 

Good luck, keep us posted. I hope she lets you back home. but you got a major up hill battle.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Humility without groveling. Basically man up and don't expect your wife to believe a thing. You have proven yourself to be unreliable. She doesn't have to change her mind. Don't prove yourself to her. Prove yourself period. If you are the man that you want to be, you will be that way with or without your wife. Have integrity and after a year or two, it will be obvious. But do not expect her to care. You had your chance. You blew it. It is not her responsibility to change her mind. It is, however, your responsibly to man up and be responsible for yourself and your kids. And in the end, you just might win her back by your love and trustworthiness.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*As long as your departure is not due to either your or her infidelity, then you need to do "a 180," turn right around and go back to her and show her what the man you are, and show those kids what the caring and loving father you are!

That's not to say that perhaps a tertiary problem exists between the two of you, but that's largely something that committed IC or MC can't take care of!

Real men don't run without just cause! More especially with the kids who you so dearly love still around!

Go home where you're needed, my friend!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Money helps.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

I agree with everyone else in this thread that you should go back home and prove yourself to be a good husband and father through actions, not words. Now that you know how much you love them and don't want to be without them, remember the feeling next time you feel like leaving.

I have personally lived through the experience of a husband who disappointed me and our daughter TWICE. The first time, he chose his biological family over us for a year...it broke my heart and we were on the brink of divorce but because he eventually grovelled and I loved him, I took him back. But, every time we argued he'd just leave again. The last time he left I didn't let him come back because I know I simply cannot rely on him. The whole experience of him packing up every time we argued, in front of our toddler, and leaving the home was very traumatic. You've only left for 2 weeks...yes it's damaging but it's not a year...go back while you still can!!!!! Tell her you made a mistake. Tell the kids you made a mistake. To err is human, we all make mistakes, it's only a failure if we don't learn from it.

Go to couple's counselling together, to help with the communication issues (arguments etc.).


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

Hey everybody I'm new to the forum so I thought I would've had an email when there was replies.

In any case I'm forgetting to mention the tool I am got an apartment as well. As she says no woman in her right mind would take me back. 

I can't argue that it was a cowardly thing to do. I still visit with the kids as much as possible however it's never enough. 

We were constantly fighting over some of the dumbest things ever. It's been a roller coaster but I know this she is the mother of my child. But I love my wife with all of my heart. We both took our wedding bands off and now I'm wearing mine again. I told her I respect the vow we took till death does us part. I hands down have accepted my emotional disconnect from her was due to my actions. When I ask her if she would forgive me the answer is I don't know. Then I ask her if she's filing for a divorce she says She's not rushing to do that. Then I ask her tell me if it's over she says I did but you keep begging. 

My thing is there's no person the same there's mixed opinions on the outcome of this. I want to go home guys I'm sleepless I'm barely eating I'm miserable I walk around crying I picked my 10 month old boy up and told him in mass hysteria daddy is so sorry for walking out on you and mommy I love you so much baby boy. Now granted he's 10 months old but my heart is so broken without them.

That brings up another thing. She thinks maybe it's not her for the reason I want to come home maybe it's the kids. I told her I can't stress enough how much they all mean to me and to have us as a family again would mean the world to me.

And your right my actions were wrong. And promising is out of the question cause i was doing that and she wasn't having it simply because I broke the promise to never leave no matter what. 

Any advice on the mixed signals is appreciated as well as any advice at all.

Thank You!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Any advice on the mixed signals is appreciated as well as any advice at all.


She does not trust you. That is why she is giving you mixed signals. It will take a lot longer to rebuild trust than it took to break it, if she will ever be able to trust you again. Make yourself a better man, not in order to get your wife back, but because you have learned and grown. If these changes aren't because you want to be a better man, then forget it.

Also, get yourself together man! You have to get your emotions under control. If you are emotion driven, you are not going to be able to maintain any kind of change in your life. You must learn self-control. Start doing some reading and get yourself to a therapist to find out why you are this way and how to solve it.


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

She does not trust you. That is why she is giving you mixed signals. It will take a lot longer to rebuild trust than it took to break it, if she will ever be able to trust you again. Make yourself a better man, not in order to get your wife back, but because you have learned and grown. If these changes aren't because you want to be a better man, then forget it.

Also, get yourself together man! You have to get your emotions under control. If you are emotion driven, you are not going to be able to maintain any kind of change in your life. You must learn self-control. Start doing some reading and get yourself to a therapist to find out why you are this way and how to solve it.[/QUOTE]

I agree with CynthiaDe,
Your wife no longer trusts you and probably no longer respects you. I mean you said you became emotionally disconnected from your family?? Why?? Was too hard for you?? How do you think she felt when her husband left her alone with their 10 months old baby? If you can do it now, she believes you can do it again. Can you go to counseling and find out why you detached from them? Can you convince her to go to MC with you?


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

I think we both got too comfortable.

Communication was tough. We both work full time and opposite schedules mine is irratic we hardly got to see each other I think that was one of the biggest issues. Never had the same days off either. 

She's suffered from post partum in the past too and I kind of feel maybe that was happening and it caused me to emotionally disconnect because she always seemed tense. 

I may of walked out but I haven't stopped telling her from day one I wanted to come home. When she gets angry she's on fire. My mom lost her husband in August and was in a shell and my wife wouldn't accept that and she wrote her off said my mother was dead to her just like that. There's more pieces to this puzzle. Of course I want to Goto a therapist she hasn't ruled that out completely but she says because I now want to go she's supposed to forgive me. 

I need to go home. Advice is needed not criticism I've already admitted to my faults and acknowledge what everyone is saying. I've come to terms with what I did. I basically didn't try.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Hey everybody I'm new to the forum so I thought I would've had an email when there was replies.
> 
> In any case I'm forgetting to mention the tool I am got an apartment as well. As she says no woman in her right mind would take me back.
> 
> ...


Instead of begging, pleading and grovelling, you need to change something about yourself. it is not the reaction of a normal well adjusted married man to run when things get rough. I suggest before you throw yourself back into the household you do something. Go get a counsellor and find out why you are this way, read books on marriage, make sure you become a better man. Then go back and win your wife back. You can tell her that you are doing this and it will be worth the wait.
if you do not do this, guaranteed in another few months you will up and run away again, the problem has roots, dig them up!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Begging, pleading, pushing, trying to convince: doing any of these things will only make matters worse. The only way you can truly show a change is by having a change of heart that shows in your behaviors over a long period of time.
Can you find a different job that has better hours? Had you thought about going into a trade and getting an apprenticeship? There are programs where you get an apprenticeship that pays while you are learning. The pay is not bad.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

One thing you need to realize is that any change you make needs to be permanent. In the excitement of this moment, I'm sure you feel motivated to act however she wants. But what happens months or years from now when it's back to day-to-day normality? Will you be able to remain emotionally involved and not comfortable? Or will you revert to your old ways? 

I'm sure one thing that she's worried about is that this is all temporary. She'll take you back and then in a few weeks it will be back to the way it was and she'll feel trapped.

Are you in therapy? You need to be committed to making a real change in your personality and not just put on a good front and fake it.

I would advise to not put too much pressure on her right now. Tell her you know you messed up, but ask her not to make any permanent decisions for a few months. Tell her if she decides she doesn't want you back, you'll understand and support her. Taking the pressure off may allow her to see you in a new light and realize she does want you back.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

wilson said:


> One thing you need to realize is that any change you make needs to be permanent. In the excitement of this moment, I'm sure you feel motivated to act however she wants. But what happens months or years from now when it's back to day-to-day normality? Will you be able to remain emotionally involved and not comfortable? Or will you revert to your old ways?
> 
> I'm sure one thing that she's worried about is that this is all temporary. She'll take you back and then in a few weeks it will be back to the way it was and she'll feel trapped.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I've told her that I plan to start therapy. I'm ready to give my 100% full commitment to her.

I will never walk away ever again!!


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## SoulCrushed16 (Feb 15, 2016)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Thank you. I've told her that I plan to start therapy. I'm ready to give my 100% full commitment to her.
> 
> I will never walk away ever again!!


Good for you! Since you're going to IC maybe it will also benefit the both of you down the road to go to MC together. Figure out some ways to take care of each other's needs so none of you feel slighted. Also, is it possible for you to convince her to go to IC? She may still be experiencing some post-Partum.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

SoulCrushed16 said:


> Go home and grovel to your wife.



Never do this. To anyone.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

helolover said:


> SoulCrushed16 said:
> 
> 
> > Go home and grovel to your wife.
> ...


Well I did f up so If I want to go back I have no choice but too.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

opuss said:


> Time to get tough.
> 
> Move back in and if she resists tell her to F%&K off.


Yea I don't think F%&K off is gonna help.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

opuss said:


> Foolishhusbandinny said:
> 
> 
> > Yea I don't think F%&K off is gonna help.
> ...


Please don't follow this advice...unless you want the marriage to end.

Telling your spouse to F off is NOT going to get you any sort of respect.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Be a support, Not her slave. Just be there to listen when she is stressed. Offer to Rub her feet maybe after a long day. Be a partner and show her no matter what you two can be friends. Maybe then she will let you close again. 

Just be a pal.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Be a support, Not her slave. Just be there to listen when she is stressed. Offer to Rub her feet maybe after a long day. Be a partner and show her no matter what you two can be friends. Maybe then she will let you close again.
> 
> Just be a pal.


Thank You!


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

Well I started seeing a therapist yesterday. So I'm taking the steps necessary to proceed with figuring out who I am. It's my goal to become a better person and a better husband and go home to be with my family.

My wife doesn't seem to eager to reconcile however she doesn't seem to be 100% against it. She goes back and forth.

What can I say to prove that I would never ever walk out again? I think that's one of the biggest things she's stuck on!

Thank You!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Nothing you can say, plenty you can do.

Just do it; be a better man, and don't waste time drawing her attention to it. 

If she is still open to you, she will notice.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

She isn't going to take your word for it. She is going to watch what you do.

And THAT takes time. Don't look for quick solutions. This is called the long haul.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

It's been a month already!
Problem is I don't know what to do...
I tell her constantly how much I love her and how much of an idiot I was for walking out. She doesn't say much. 

She just blows me off like I'm non existent.

I'm really scared I lost my wife for good...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You may have. 

Bottom line, become a better man for yourself. If it happens to attract your wife back to you, great. If not, you will be a better partner for the next woman you meet in your life.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You might have lost her. Ducking out and abandoning her is about the WORST thing you could have done. If you had left for another woman maybe she would feel a reason, but no you just left.... What does that say about her? I bet she is telling herself that she was so bad that you had to leave. OR she is so mad because she has been busting her but being the best she can be but that was not good enough for you. No you just ran off. (Not saying that myself, just speculating on the directions of her thoughts.) 

You have probably lost her. Truth be told, but you can keep working on yourself and trying to be good enough for her. Showing her that no matter that she does not want you, you are not giving up. Actions over words. Cant tell you what to say to convince her. You must use actions and NOT giving up...since you gave up in the first place. 

Keep trying. Be her partner if not her lover. Accept the crumbs she is willing to give. But don't grovel or let abuse happen on either side. Don't grow frustrated or resent her for not giving you another chance because frankly....you don't really deserve another chance with her. But I'm rooting for ya. Keep trying to show her that you may have given up, but you won't again. (Just don't act desperate. Massive turn off. Just come off as DEDICATED.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> It's been a month already!


Wow. This right here shows a lack of self control and impatience. You have no room for either if you want a healthy life and to get your wife back. I'd speculate it will take at least a year before she starts to warm up to you, if ever. You dealt a mortal wound, but you expect quick results. That is unrealistic and mean. A month is nothing. Maybe enough time for her to stop feeling completely overwhelmed and panicked. Certainly not enough time for her to have any level of trust for you.



Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Problem is I don't know what to do...
> I tell her constantly how much I love her and how much of an idiot I was for walking out. She doesn't say much.


Stop bringing it up.
1. It only reminds her. It's like you reminding her that you are a jerk and she can't trust you.
2. It puts pressure on her that will make her less likely to turn to you.
3. It's needy rather than showing strength and determination.
She just blows me off like I'm non existent.



Foolishhusbandinny said:


> I'm really scared I lost my wife for good...


Walking in fear will get you nowhere fast. Walk in conviction and love. That will move your forward in life, either with or without your wife. Be the kind of man that you want to be. Spend time with the kids. Enjoy every moment you have with your wife, just that she is near when you are around her. Do not demand anything of her or have expectations. Appreciate the good things about her and tell her about them. Do you know what her love languages are?


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

Well after my last post I called her.

What I said is this "All the other times we went through stuff I always blamed you for it and asked for second chances for us because I was in denial that it was me with the problems. Now I'm hands down accepting that I made bad decisions to cause us where we are and this time I'm not asking for us I'm asking for me"

She didn't tell me to go f myself or rot in hell she listened to me and didn't hang up but didn't say anything.

I know I seem to be impatient. To be honest I didn't know if it was too long being a month. I'm just afraid if I back off and don't show her what it is she means to me she may think I don't care anymore.

As far as the love languages I'm not sure what your asking.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Well after my last post I called her.
> 
> What I said is this "All the other times we went through stuff I always blamed you for it and asked for second chances for us because I was in denial that it was me with the problems. Now I'm hands down accepting that I made bad decisions to cause us where we are and this time I'm not asking for us I'm asking for me"
> 
> ...


Tell her... "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, take the time you need to figure out what you want, but just know that even if I am silent it does not mean I don't love you, it means I *do* love you giving you time and space to think. If you want to talk or need to talk, I am right here. You are my priority, I intend to prove it everyday. And for now I will prove it by honoring your space UNLESS you want help with our child, then we can discuss how that looks, but for now.... just respect."


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

I'll keep praying I've kind of said exactly that. 

Will see....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Well after my last post I called her.
> 
> What I said is this "All the other times we went through stuff I always blamed you for it and asked for second chances for us because I was in denial that it was me with the problems. Now I'm hands down accepting that I made bad decisions to cause us where we are and this time I'm not asking for us I'm asking for me"


Stop asking her for anything! Good grief. If I were her, my head would about to explode. You have asked repeatedly. Knock it off. Just do you and let her be herself. Continue learning to walk in integrity and let your actions come from what you believe.



Foolishhusbandinny said:


> She didn't tell me to go f myself or rot in hell she listened to me and didn't hang up but didn't say anything.


 She has a lot of self control.



Foolishhusbandinny said:


> I know I seem to be impatient. To be honest I didn't know if it was too long being a month. I'm just afraid if I back off and don't show her what it is she means to me she may think I don't care anymore.


Back off of asking her for anything at all. Don't back off from being a good husband. Have confidence in who you are now, as a man of integrity. Let your actions speak over time. Do not use words to tell her who you are. Only use words to build her, comfort her, and encourage her. This is not all about you. If you love her, build, comfort, and encourage. Don't stop doing that. When things settle down, she may let you start taking her out on dates. Make sure you take your turn watching the kids and being the dad that you promised to be. Don't make her carry the load alone. Being in a healthy marriage is about having each other's backs. Make sure you have hers.



Foolishhusbandinny said:


> As far as the love languages I'm not sure what your asking.


Google love languages and learn how she gives and receives love. This will require you reading about the love languages, probably buying a book or two about it, and loving her in a way that she will be able to connect and receive.


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## Foolishhusbandinny (Feb 24, 2016)

Well my wife invited me over today.

We are going to work on things!!! 

When she texted me yesterday and said come see me tomorrow I was like no way she just said that lol 

It was a great visit and we talking about a lot but we're gonna work it out so here goes nothing!!


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Well my wife invited me over today.
> 
> We are going to work on things!!!
> 
> ...


No, here goes everything. She is giving you another chance, so Don't blow it. Do the work you need to do and make the changes you need to make in yourself to become the husband that really deserves this chance. Get some therapy to help you with this goal.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Foolishhusbandinny said:


> Well my wife invited me over today.
> 
> We are going to work on things!!!
> 
> ...


Don't blow it dude. It's your job to be her teammate, that means work together. Keep going to therapy. Read some books on effective communication in relationships. The two of you need to go to marriage counseling. 

Most of all when you have disagreements, even when you fight, the goal is to resolve things not hurt each other or get your way. It is to work together to solve problems.


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