# Is there any hope when trust is gone?



## betrayed_wife (Jan 30, 2017)

Hi Everyone,

I married a man from Lebanon (age 26) and I am 35 female. I did a lot and invested a lot to bring him here. When he came things were rocky with adjusting to cultural differences as well as personality differences. I had been concerned with some of his actions and kicked him out in July 2015 (only after him being here for 6 months). I took him back and from there things went down hill. He has a habit of living a secret life and will make multiple accounts on Facebook and IG. I found him talking to girls online and from that point I asked him no social media (he also didnt want me on there as well). We both agreed and promised. Fast forward through our relationship and we endure lots of fighting over trust issues and me asking him to leave then coming back. In October of this year I asked to look through his phone because he wanted to look at mine-fair is fair. I found a post he made advertising online looking for women. At this point I said it was over and he begged me to stay stating that he made that when things were bad and nothing ever happened with it-he only posted. I lost all trust but stayed because I truly love him and believe in staying in a marriage and not leaving. A week ago I broke down and looked at this phone again. I found in his internet browsing history he was on Facebook again and his history showed about 10 girl names he had clicked on (I couldn't log in so I don't know what this entailed). Also he had googled a picture of one of the girls he worked with and searched for her on Facebook as well. Before I told him what I found, I asked him if he was on any social media and he replied no. I said none at all? He said no. I showed him the screenshots of all the pictures I had taken on his phone and only then did he say ok I was. He constantly lies to me and then only admits the truth when cornered. I ask him how he can do this and he says he doesn't know why he does-he does it to avoid fighting. 

He said he wants me to stay and we try couples therapy-but for me how will this change his behavior? He told me that the reason he keeps doing these things is for a distraction because things are bad with us and he feels like I judge him and am never happy with him. I told him if he was so unhappy he could end it or suggest counseling or talk to me--his method of dealing with it broke all his promises and led him to constantly lie to me and ruin any trust. Of course to add to all this his company is closing and he will need to relocate to another state and wants to me go. I cant do this and chance losing my job when we are bad. He was so upset over losing me he told me he would not take the job and try to find another one here. I feel that maybe because we are so unhealthy that he shouldn't lose a good job opportunity and this is the chance for us to end it. He is very upset and feels that I am running away and giving up. He said he loves me and accepts all my faults and why cant I love him and accept he has faults. I am very confused and feel that if trust is gone and someone keeps betraying you they will keep doing so. I just wanted to hear any other comments that someone can offer. I should mention that I was married before and that marriage was ruined by that husband cheating multiple times. I told my current husband what that had done to me and how damaging this was and he promised he would never hurt me in that way. I feel so betrayed and hurt.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

End this. He has shown you exactly who he is, but of course he doesn't want you to leave, because he wants a wife and also other women on the side. Please seek legal advice, love doesn't look like this.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

End it, and stop taking him back. Your life will just get more miserable.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

He has shown that he has a pattern within your relationship. I can't see that chsnging, especially since he isn't forthcoming with information, he waits for you to catch him. You know it's not going to change...dig deep and find the courage to give him his walking papers.


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## CanadaDry (Jan 17, 2017)

No. Once trust is gone it can never be fully restored. And no one deserves a spouse or SO that can't be trusted or can only be trusted 2/3 of the time.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Depends on what you hope for. A happy marriage. Nope.

He is not worth it. Your hope lies in someone else.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's using you. Let him go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is the kind and trusting that seem "ever" to fall prey to the wolves in this life.

The Meek may inherit the Earth but they shall first be burned and scarred for the reward of this Inheritance.

Let your Hide and Pride stiffen. Learn from this mistake. 

Divorce this broken shard of a man. He cannot carry your water. So many flaws and cracks he has. 

His honor un-righteously drained from him, long ago.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is said that only the meanest and vicious creatures can survive in the desert. The Scorpion, the Camel Spider, the Asp, the Side Winder are but a few.

When you bring living things out of that environment, you tempt fate, you risk death.

My words are like bread baked in the sun.....hard and begrudgingly palatable.

Burned raw are my feet, burned by those wavy sand dunes. Beneath those shifting mounds, no shovel and no logic can penetrate.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Lebanon is a different culture.....Women are viewed as property.....He is considerably younger than you which means that he is immature.....You need to cut your losses right now and kick his ass to the curb.....Your relationship has no chance for success.........Sometimes when I think I've seen it all a post like this will pop up and make me shake my head.......


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Marriage counselling does not change a person. It only can provide tools. You do not want to stay married to someone whose solution to marital problems is having sex with other girls. Many who cheat will try to place the blame on their spouse. It is almost a cliche. You made them cheat. If you treated them better then would not have to cheat, etc.. I firmly believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior and in this case it is probably his certain behavior in the future.

Although I have seen marriages where one spouse cheated once, succeed at least for a few more years, most do not. Once lost, trust takes a very long time to rebuild and even then, it will never be at the same trust level as before. One thing that happens is that you will bring up his cheating often and he will have to accept that it will take time for you to not feel that raw emotion anymore. Most guys will resent having it thrown in their face all the time and having to make an extra effort not to make you suspicious. He way want to go out with the guys for a few hours on Saturday night but is he really doing that? Are his friends covering for him. These days with cell phones you have no idea where he is when you call him. If he allows you to find his phone on an iPhone, he can simply leave his phone somewhere and then meet his girlfriend someplace else and make an excuse as to why he did not take your call or even setup his phone to forward your calls to the other woman's house while leaving it in his office so you thing he is working late. No way to tell if he is still cheating and that will gnaw at your gut everytime he is not with you or does something suspicious. That is no way to live.

I look at it this way, even if my spouse had not cheated again, I have no way to prove that and I will be suspicious of her all the time when she is out of my sight. So whether she cheats of not, I will experience the same negative emotions anyway so best to call it off.


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## betrayed_wife (Jan 30, 2017)

Openminded said:


> He's using you. Let him go.



What would he be using me for? He works and pays his own bills and he does a lot for himself.


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## betrayed_wife (Jan 30, 2017)

Thank you for responding


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## betrayed_wife (Jan 30, 2017)

Vinnydee said:


> Marriage counselling does not change a person. It only can provide tools. You do not want to stay married to someone whose solution to marital problems is having sex with other girls. Many who cheat will try to place the blame on their spouse. It is almost a cliche. You made them cheat. If you treated them better then would not have to cheat, etc.. I firmly believe that a person's past behavior is a very good indicator of their future behavior and in this case it is probably his certain behavior in the future.
> 
> Although I have seen marriages where one spouse cheated once, succeed at least for a few more years, most do not. Once lost, trust takes a very long time to rebuild and even then, it will never be at the same trust level as before. One thing that happens is that you will bring up his cheating often and he will have to accept that it will take time for you to not feel that raw emotion anymore. Most guys will resent having it thrown in their face all the time and having to make an extra effort not to make you suspicious. He way want to go out with the guys for a few hours on Saturday night but is he really doing that? Are his friends covering for him. These days with cell phones you have no idea where he is when you call him. If he allows you to find his phone on an iPhone, he can simply leave his phone somewhere and then meet his girlfriend someplace else and make an excuse as to why he did not take your call or even setup his phone to forward your calls to the other woman's house while leaving it in his office so you thing he is working late. No way to tell if he is still cheating and that will gnaw at your gut everytime he is not with you or does something suspicious. That is no way to live.
> 
> I look at it this way, even if my spouse had not cheated again, I have no way to prove that and I will be suspicious of her all the time when she is out of my sight. So whether she cheats of not, I will experience the same negative emotions anyway so best to call it off.



I didn't catch him having any physical relationship. That is something I am unsure of as I have no proof. From what I see he did make a post online looking for women his age and also he spends his time on Facebook and IG looking up women and talking to them-strangers and others he might have known from his past. I hate social media for all the damage it can do to relationships and I asked him to stay off for this reason. Seems he was using this as a "distraction" to get away from me.


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## betrayed_wife (Jan 30, 2017)

I didn't catch him having any physical relationship. That is something I am unsure of as I have no proof. From what I see he did make a post online looking for women his age and also he spends his time on Facebook and IG looking up women and talking to them-strangers and others he might have known from his past. I hate social media for all the damage it can do to relationships and I asked him to stay off for this reason. Seems he was using this as a "distraction" to get away from me. I know age can play a role in this but he seems mature in a lot of ways with his hard work ethic and some wisdom from living in a war torn area. I thought he had reached a point in life where he knew what really mattered. Maybe it just changed him for the worse and made him more cold and disengaged as a person.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Just how is being married to an habitual liar helping your trust issues?

He does not love you, but is only using you to support his own agenda!

End this charade of a relationship now, for your own peace of mind!

There are far too many good and decent men who would love you for who you truly are! He, unfortunately, is not one of them!*


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Time and time again, he's proven to you that he's a liar. His lies go much further than what you are aware of. It's VERY likely that there's more you are not aware of. Time to end it.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would say there is very little hope. 

He is most likely so entrenched/addicted to his online activities he will never fully give them up.
For most the effort to meet people online to get one of them to bring them to the USA/Canada/UK is nearly an all encompassing one. Due to my business I know this first hand, a zillion times over. Daily I get at least 10 FB requests and the tactics are rarely varied much, but frankly it's exhausting. This was only superseded by when I finally WAS single, the dating websites being swamped with the same people. 

I AM NOT SAYING THERE ARENT GOOD PEOPLE IN OTHER COUNTRIES, OR THAT LOVE CANT BE FOUND.

I'm merely pointing out that this is practically a full time job for many of these men (and women). They are usually dating/talking to/ in "love" with tons of women at the same time. The first one to bring them to the USA where the streets are paved with gold is who they come too. They target women older than themselves, generally less attractive, and with self confidence issues. 

Now, here you sit, with him having had who knows how many emotional affairs on you, and if he is posting for local hookups on Craigslist or wherever... you better believe he has had plenty of physical affairs too. So go get tested immediately for STDs. I get it, I get it, your embarrassed to be a second time divorcee and for all your friends and family who warned you not to marry this guy to be right. Get over it. They WERE right. Learn from your mistakes. Date only local men next time. Cut your losses immediately and kick him out. Let him go to his new job and plethora of women. Barf. Sorry your here, but you are. So fix it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

betrayed_wife said:


> What would he be using me for? He works and pays his own bills and he does a lot* for himself.*


"For himself" is tatooed on his hairy chest. And therein is your dilemma.....here. Here, under his hair atop his head.

The Road to Hell is paved with Good Intentions. You have paved. And he, that is he, peels his tires on those red bricks, those that carry your marriage traffic.

I deleted the rest of this responding post. My words started to set the screen afire.


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## Grapes (Oct 21, 2016)

Trust and respect are the 2 most important intangible assets of a relationship. without one or the other its hopeless.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is a liar and a cheater, and you need to get rid of him. If you stay in this, then THIS is what you will have to deal with for the next 40 years of your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

betrayed_wife said:


> What would he be using me for? He works and pays his own bills and he does a lot for himself.


Why would he use you?

1-Sponsorship
2-Fall-back


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