# Childless Marriages (Any Pressure To Have Kids?)



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I think I saw another thread awhile ago that asked this same question. For those that are married and don't have any children do you get the "So when are you two having children?" question. And if so how do you deal with is it something that bothers you or do you simply just shrug it off? 

I like kids a lot I really do, I'm s step parent to my husbands kids they are not so small one is grown and the other is a teenager. I don't want children, I don't want the responsibility and I like being able to do things without having to worry about "us". Every once in awhile we get the question (we have been married for three years and together for five.)When are you two having kids?. Were both like errr never? And were fine with that. Any thoughts? Please tell me I'm not alone out there....


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

SO and I haven't gotten married but we've been together long enough for people to ask about kids.
Sometimes I choose to say I can't have kids and other times I say we don't want any.Both things are true.
On one rare occasion someone was being particularly pushy about it and I told them it wasn't their business and they need to drop it.


----------



## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

We have an only child (he's currently three.)

So, we aren't childless, but I still get the pressure from relatives, from friends, from random strangers in the grocery store. "Oh, an only huh?" "Better have more now, so your body can get it over with all at once." "You'll regret it if you don't have more." "How can you only want one?" "Are you really sure one is all you want?"

So - even when you have one, people aren't satisfied. So - no, you certainly aren't alone.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> We have an only child (he's currently three.)
> 
> So, we aren't childless, but I still get the pressure from relatives, from friends, from random strangers in the grocery store. "Oh, an only huh?" "Better have more now, so your body can get it over with all at once." "You'll regret it if you don't have more." "How can you only want one?" "Are you really sure one is all you want?"
> 
> So - even when you have one, people aren't satisfied. So - no, you certainly aren't alone.


that made me roll my eyes so hard. WTF is wrong with people that they feel the need to push people into having more and more? It's obnoxious.

people are never satisfied.at least not til you are in the same boat as them,then they're happy


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey there! Saw your post on my thread about this topic! (Well, I don't OWN it, it's foreveryone!!!) But it's a question I just can't stop thinking about now!!!

I think the thing that gets me the most is how freely people will talk about your reproduction descisions. Anymore, it just annoys the crap out of me. 

Someone else said next time I'm criticized for it, to just ask "OK, do YOU have kids? WHY do you have kids?" And you can always take it to a new level and call them selfish, and tell them one day they'll wish they never had children!


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

HAHAHAHA love it! Thanks for posting here! It feels good to know that I'm not crazy! Man I really feel bad for women who were raised in a different era generation... I can't imagine the things they that were said about them. But yeah thanks for the support! lol


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

krismimo said:


> HAHAHAHA love it! Thanks for posting here! It feels good to know that I'm not crazy! Man I really feel bad for women who were raised in a different era generation... I can't imagine the things they that were said about them. But yeah thanks for the support! lol


Oh, absolutely! Gender roles certainly have shifted, haven't they? And I think the biggest shame about deciding to live childfree is that it's taboo to the point us like-minded women discuss it in hushed tones, all secretive. BECAUSE...we know soon as someone hears us, we'll get all those stupid questions!!

Hmm...maybe it's time to form/join a "Proudly Childfree" club??


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm telling ya ladies,you need to check out the childfree by choice websites out there. Some fabulous material on those sites and blogs as well.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Don't shrug it off if it bothers you. Say something. And make it aware that you have a problem with the invasiveness and the nagging about it.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

What a coincidence! Just found this on Huffingtonpost! Claudia Cevenini and Sue Wildish: Childless And Middle-Aged: What's Wrong With You?

This one's my favorite: "Mercia (a marketing exec, just turned 41) felt the same: "I understood very early on that my personality would not have allowed me to be a working mother. The guilt and pressures of doing both (jobs) well would've driven me crazy. I made the conscious decision to be financially independent and have a career." YEP

And I do need to start checking out more stuff online, Scarlet. Thanks!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Kris, you could always look at the person dead in the eyes and say very dead pan: "We hate children." Their reaction should be priceless and my bet is they will neveer ask you again.

Muahahaha. Lol.


----------



## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Kris, you could always look at the person dead in the eyes and say very dead pan: "We hate children." Their reaction should be priceless and my bet is they will neveer ask you again.
> 
> Muahahaha. Lol.


Best. Retort. EVER!

Seriously, I'm using this one. :smthumbup:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I used to say that all the time when I was married and would get asked that.

The irony is that I like kids. But that line would always get people off my back.  

It is completely amazing to me how very nosy people are. Seriously I think it is SO rude for people to be all up in someone else's personal business like that. It's gross!


----------



## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Great timing of this post because I was just talking about this a couple days ago with a friend of mine when I was telling her I finally reached the age where my doctor would approve me for a tube tying procedure. 

I am 40 years old and never, ever had I wanted children. I never even liked playing with dolls growing up. The fact is.... I am a very selfish person when it comes to "me time". I don't want to spend 2 hours grocery shopping. I don't want fruitloops rotting between my car seats. I don't want to come home at a reasonable hour if I don't want to. I don't want to go on kid friendly vacations. I gag when I see crusted noses with snot. Basically, I don't want my style cramped. I don't even have a dog because they are too much responsibility and I love animals! I also refuse to date any man who has their kids full time. Every other weekend and Wednesday dinners suits me just fine. 

So when I am asked why I never had kids I tell them the truth. That I like them but I don't like them for me. I admit to being selfish. The typical response is that at least I know that about myself. But going forward I'm going to adopt the "I hate kids" response. Freaking love that! LOL 

The thing that drives me crazy tho are those that come back saying, "Yeah, well, you'd feel differently if you had one of your own". I usually come back and tell them what I don't know won't hurt me.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I'm telling ya ladies,you need to check out the childfree by choice websites out there. Some fabulous material on those sites and blogs as well.


There are some awfully hateful ones as well. 



Jellybeans said:


> Kris, you could always look at the person dead in the eyes and say very dead pan: "We hate children." Their reaction should be priceless and my bet is they will neveer ask you again.
> 
> Muahahaha. Lol.


Never had to resort to that but thought about it. I did use "it's not that I don't like kids, I just can't eat a whole one by myself" a couple of times. That worked.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

It's never bothered me what people ask, I guess I am one really F'd up individual.... 

And if I felt something was too personal ...pushing some boundary... I can always let them know in some smiling way - joking to change the subject... it's just conversation...how does this really HURT anyone? 

When I couldn't conceive & someone offered me the advice "to RELAX".....(how very common that was).... I will admit I had thoughts of throwing them through a window (I am exaggerating here)....but it was too simplistic for the sole answer to fertility...and insulting... I guess - you all are feeling something like that ??... the closest I can to relate ...

But yet... I still welcomed the conversation none the less..


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> But yet... I still welcomed the conversation none the less..


I never minded the question just as long the conversation was over when I said we didn't want children and weren't having any. Sorry, you're not going to change my mind, don't try. And don't don't keep asking, if something would have changed we would have said something.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

CharlieParker said:


> I never minded the question just as long the conversation was over when I said we didn't want children and weren't having any. Sorry, you're not going to change my mind, don't try. And don't don't keep asking, if something would have changed we would have said something.


 OK, so you all see this like the Jehovah Witness knocking on your door... once you tell them you have your own religion & are quite content with that ...they need to kindly walk away... though many do not....they weasel their thoughts unto you anyway...trying to convince their way *IS* the way.

It's the assumption another would feel as them...this is why people do this (and yeah it is a flaw because we all have different desires in this life)...nothing wrong with that.

But I would think just as many are going around saying...."Why the hell would you want to have kids today, they are just "money sucking leeches" ?" ..... my husband works with a man who feels this way....even though I adore having children...and would never look at them like this....I can still chuckle at his comments....that's how he feels... 

Husband comes home & tells me how him & his wife takes their PUG , all dressed up ...Halloweening..... they buy her dresses....her name is Bella...I get the biggest charge out of this....that's what they enjoy....they got one spoiled pup at home ~ lives like a QUEEN .... It's cool.


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Well I would never enquire why someone does not have children. We thought we were infertile so I know how sensitive an issue this can be for childless couples, whether their state is voluntary or involuntary.

If you will allow me to speculate, the question crossed my mind why do people ask others why they do not have children. Apart from sheer nosiness etc. One thought which crossed my mind was related to something I have come to realise as I have got older - we affect other people by what we do or do not do probably more than we realise. So a decision to remain childless reduces the number of younger people around to support our generation when we get old. As the father of three umarried daughters I ask myself why do my neighbours seem to have so few eligible sons? 

So perhaps people ask these sorts of questions/pressure others because deep down they are anxious about the future survival of the human race? Given all the pressure we are putting on the planet I suspect we probably ought to be more worried at present about wrecking the place with our activities.

Just some idle musings.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can always let them know in some smiling way - joking to change the subject... it's just conversation...how does this really HURT anyone?


It may not bother you but it does bother a LOT of women who get asked over and over and over again.

I personally think it's incredibly invasive.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

There are two approaches to the "what, you don't want kids" conversation. One is fine. The other is often offensive.

To me, it's fine if people ask if I have kids. That's part of getting to know each other. It's even okay if they ask the follow up question and ask if I want kids or having to plan them or whatever. But that's the end of the conversation, in my book.

When it becomes "discussion" rather than "conversation", that gets shut down immediately. Frankly, I don't care what someone else thinks about having kids for themselves or for me. It's nobody's business WHAT I do with my body or my money or any of that. I'm probably not going to convince a parent to leave their kid at the shelter anymore than a parent is going to convince me that there is anything good a child could add to my life.

But mostly, I just find that it's easiest if the topic never gets to that point. I mean, I would NEVER discuss how I manage my money with a casual acquaintance--why on Earth would I discuss how I manage my uterus?


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I think it just goes all back to that old saying "It's not what you do sometimes it's how you do it.


----------



## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

I was thinking to myself about a funny response I was looking at the Old Spice commercials which I love btw. So I think one day the next person that asks that (and if there are rude) " I'm incredibly awesome person I'm damn near perfect and having children will ruin that because they will never live up to my awesomeness, because.. ya know they're not me and let's face it that would be awfully disappointing. Then walk away.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

COGypsy said:


> When it becomes "discussion" rather than "conversation", that gets shut down immediately. Frankly, I don't care what someone else thinks about having kids for themselves or for me. It's nobody's business WHAT I do with my body or my money or any of that.
> 
> I mean, I would NEVER discuss how I manage my money with a casual acquaintance--*why on Earth would I discuss how I manage my uterus*?


:rofl: and :iagree:

Cue the "You're not a REAL woman unless you have children!"... "You don't know what you are missing out on!" ... comments!


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Jellybeans said:


> It may not bother you but it does bother a LOT of women who get asked over and over and over again.
> 
> I personally think it's incredibly invasive.


And this is why when I am around people ...Unless they are my good friends where we can let anything FLY....and they love me for it.....and I love them for it too ... that I hold my tongue.....and allow another to lead such a conservation...I fully get the fact many do not care for friendly conversation...

Do I think It's silly to get offended this easy....Frankly I DO.... but that's OK... I don't get off on offending others...in fact that would irritate my day... So I do mind my own business.....and just play the Sweet person who is submissive to how invasive THEY ARE...then you know you can be a little more friendly...

This is a key to communication I guess in NOT pi$$ing people off ....

And I ALWAYS notice how people talk about OTHER people when they are not in their presence..such a dead give away.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl: and :iagree:
> 
> Cue the "You're not a REAL woman unless you have children!"... "You don't know what you are missing out on!" ... comments!


Mwahahahaha! I love that one-- Makes me want to keep pictures from my last cervical biopsy handy to prove just how REAL I am! :rofl:


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> And this is why when I am around people ...Unless they are my good friends where we can let anything FLY....and they love me for it.....and I love them for it too ... that I hold my tongue.....and allow another to lead such a conservation...I fully get the fact many do not care for friendly conversation...
> 
> Do I think It's silly to get offended this easy....Frankly I DO.... but that's OK... I don't get off on offending others...in fact that would irritate my day... So I do mind my own business.....and just play the Sweet person who is submissive to how invasive THEY ARE...then you know you can be a little more friendly...
> 
> ...


I think that you were probably closest to my point when you referred to how frustrating it was to hear people talk to you about infertility when you were going through that. As frustrating as it is to be told ad nauseum to "relax" or get accupuncture or take a vitamin or whatever advice someone may have...it is equally frustrating to hear people tell you that you'll change your mind, that you're selfish or that you're somehow unnatural for not wanting children. 

Personally, the majority of my friends have had significant troubles conceiving their children. We have talked literally for hours about the choice and the need for children. My basic belief is that we all either have what I've dubbed the "kid-shaped hole" in our hearts or we simply don't. For the people like you, SA--you clearly have that. You've said many times that it was heartbreaking to even consider not being able to have a large family. And while I've certainly felt deep love and affection for some of the kids in my life, I've never had the feeling that a child of my own was something that was imperative to my experience on this earth. I have felt the pain my friends have experienced when faced with the possibility of not having a child, but it's not something that I have ever even felt a twinge of for myself. 

I think ultimately it just comes down to our wiring. I also can't understand how someone can write with their right hand. When I try, it gets all turned around in my head and turns into a big mess. You can tell me all day long how easy and great it is to be writing with your right hand, but I just don't get it and proselytizing or debating the matter won't really change the fact that I'm left-handed and always have been.


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Smile knowingly at your spouse (or, if he/she is not there, at the person inquiring) and say, "we're enough for each other."

Or you could tell them that you'd like to have kids but are making the sacrifice not to because the earth cannot support the 7 billion people who are already here, and the last thing it needs is more people.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

COGypsy said:


> I think that you were probably closest to my point when you referred to how frustrating it was to hear people talk to you about infertility when you were going through that. As frustrating as it is to be told ad nauseum to "relax" or get accupuncture or take a vitamin or whatever advice someone may have...it is equally frustrating to hear people tell you that you'll change your mind, that you're selfish or that you're somehow unnatural for not wanting children.
> 
> Personally, the majority of my friends have had significant troubles conceiving their children. We have talked literally for hours about the choice and the need for children. *My basic belief is that we all either have what I've dubbed the "kid-shaped hole" in our hearts or we simply don't*.
> 
> ...


I agree with every word you said here COGypsy... EXCELLENT

My beef on this thread...it really has nothing to do with our differences ....as I clearly GET & can honor that we all are driven to different passions, wants, enjoyments, pursuits, beliefs, dreams....the List is purely ENDLESS and magnificent at that...

And to >> live and let live. And I DO THIS..honestly. 

Maybe everyone here is referring to continued ongoing harping.....I don't know..(I get that....seriously...it's a boundary thing at some point -another becomes a nuisance) ....

YET....I recall a poster here (amazingly she liked me -even pmed me many times but I could easily tell one had to walk a tight rope with her in speech)...offended like by a breeze...she'd slam other posters, a # of bannings...

She once shared her grave irritation on a thread (about this subject)....where this woman asked her - what I felt was a purely harmless question...at a Baby shower no less.....a guest making conversation with a guest ....and MY Lord, you'd think the poor woman was a freaking ax murderer.... how DARE HER, it's none of her business..she went on & on....

I guess it's this *attitude* that I am speaking against here... that just blew my mind!! I felt bad for the poor woman who was DUMB enough ..out of kindness to start a conversation...and be met with that [email protected]#$%^ I was wondering if her face blew up. 

I don't feel the majority of people intentionally set out to harm by their asking....& many follow that by some thought process (We all do this, don't we...are you immune and never give an opinion to others??)..... 

It's true.. I don't mind what others say to me....I'm not that uptight.....but then again..I like to debate...and I'm not going to put myself down for that either... 

I mentioned the Jehovas Witnesses up there.... once I had the Mormons come to our door... I had no interest in their religion, but I had a BALL with these 2 young missionaries...I had them eating out of my hand....husband was quite amused by this....where they wanted to convince me how closely related to Christianity they are.....

I gave them a little history lesson , I knew of the origins of the divide and exactly why they are considered "Heretics" (but then ....so am I)... what was really funny about this was...they asked if they could come back a couple days later...hey I was game....and they did ! We all gathered under our Gazebo & talked for an hour...while one was taking notes....:rofl: .... I enjoyed hearing their experiences...even if they weren't mine... and they were quite interested in what I had to share... That was COOL..it was memorable.. 

Even the RELAXING comments , I exaggerated some back there....I would take those so a conversation ensued...ya know... *it gives the opportunity to show another side*...enlighten someone....

I suppose if one is harped on relentlessly about any issue....you'll start feeling like this.... .... maybe it's that I don't get out all that much....so when I am let loose...I thoroughly ENJOY people and their ridiculous opinions.... sometimes they are downright amusing... 

But yes..to each their own. This is just MY perspective ...on a myriad of issues.... not just childlessness.


----------

