# i didn't do it



## cath (Mar 27, 2011)

so my husband is convinced i cheated on him. several times. with several different men. i haven't. not once. not even close. i even took a lie detector test (which i passed!) but he still doesn't believe me. i'm really effing tired of the accusations and bs that comes from his distrust. i knew he had trust issues before we got married, but in the last 4-5 months it's really gotten out of control for some reason. (and now i'm pregnant - hooray). 

both of us are terribley unhappy, and have been for several months. him, because he thinks i cheated, me because i haven't, i'm completely over all of this nonsense, and his treating me like **** over it. i think he needs some serious serious counselling. i think that is the only thing that might help him see he is creating this imaginary stuff in his head, and maybe a therapist can help him work through his issues so he can be the man i fell in love with and married again. because i am not spending the rest of my life with a man who believes i cheated. the accusations and distrust are too much. i deserve better.

does anyone else have any experience with this? having a spouse who was so certain you cheated, when you didn't, and therapy helped? i think he'd be willing to go, but under the guise of couples counselling. i don't think he'd go if it was just for him and his issues, as he doesn't think he has any. 

could it be a mental illness? it's like he honestly believes things happened, that haven't, or that i've said things when i haven't, or he forgets entire conversations we've had on important topics, and swears we've never spoken about these things ie i've told him a million times, no exaggeration, that i could not have an abortion - then we fall pregnant, he suggests abortion, i tell him we've had that conversation several times, that isn't an option for me, and he swears i've never told him that! i used to think he maybe was a bit bipolar, but his mood changes last moments, hours at the longest, and i think that in a true bipolar person the episodes last much much longer, no?

anybody have any insight? i sometimes feel like he knows that none of this actually happened, and he's just making excuses to end the relationship, that is how ridiculous his accusations are, but then he stays. ahhhhhh i need help. i'm so confused.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I think he needs meds for his obsessive thoughts. Lexipro or one of the others may help. Definitely some good counselling. My thought is that one doesn't fear what one is not capable of. Somewhere in his mind, he believes he is capable of (or has) cheated, so he is fearful that you will do it to him. 

My wife used to accuse me of cheating at every opportunity. This was one of the subjects of our biggest fights. Finally, I got tired of it. When she would see a pretty girl and say "you want to f*ck her don't you?" I would say "why wouldn't I? Why don't we see if we can bring her home to f*ck the both of us!" This was how I handled it rather than get defensive! I met stupidity with stupidity. It made it fun for me and frustrated her. Eventually, her jealosy stopped, UNTIL HER AFFAIRS! Now I'm the obsessive one!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He sounds very insecure and controlling. Is this something new or old? Also it sounds like he's gaslighting you (like with the abortion, him saying you never had that conversation)

Sometimes when people are cheating themselves, they accuse their partner of cheating. Remember, a thief keeps the most locks on his door.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

my ex off and on accused me through-out our marriage, but i found out that when she all of a sudden really poured it on, it was actually a smoke screen to keep the attention of an affair on me rather than on her where it should have been. that was one of her give a ways that she was seeing somebody. :banghead:


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is leading him to think you are cheating---make him give you his evidence, then refute it----if he doesn't cool it after that---then maybe you just need to part ways---you certainly can't go thru life with him always yapping at you


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## Please Help Me! (Feb 18, 2011)

Right here!! Take a look at this seemed truth!

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/22176-please-help-me.html


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

What does he base his accusations on? Are you transparent with him and give him access to everything? Do you discontinue activities that make him uncomfortable? 

The reason I ask is because I might be in a similar situation where I'm the suspicious one and my H is being accused. He did cheat 4 years ago, and I have gained a fair amount of trust back for him. But he's now having a "friendship" with an ex gf long distance that I discovered by him talking to her in the middle of the night, and he won't cut contact. So I have a reason to be suspicious. Red flags everywhere. 

But if there's no justifiable reason for him to accuse you, I can see how it'd be frustrating. I would do couples counseling because they will suggest individual from there if they see it fit.


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## cath (Mar 27, 2011)

Workingitout - I'm pretty sure nothing I say will change his behaviour. 

Jellybeans - he's always been a little jealous and insecure, but these outright accusations, and the verbal abuse that comes with them, are brand new. It's so strange. The first year we were together was long distance. Everything was fine. The next year, year and a half, we lived together but worked opposite shifts, and still everything was fine. It was only once we started seeing each other a lot, which I thought was going to be a good thing, that all this nonsense started. I really don't think he's cheating, so that isn't a concern. But what does gaslighting mean? I've never heard that term before 

2nd time iz best - yeah that's what people keep saying. That those who accuse the most are deflecting, but I just honestly don't think that is the case here. 

jnj express - his reasons are seriously crazy. He mentions a guys name, he says I smirk, therefor I must've cheated. Or we threw a party last March, then in DECEMBER! he decides to bring up I disappeared with a guy in the basement for 20 minutes. Which I ****ing didn't. And if he seriously believed that, why would he wait 9 months to bring it up. It's crazy! He is making things up in his head, and believing it to be true. I mean I took a polygraph. I'm not sure what else I could do. If I wasn't pregnant with his baby, I'd be gone. But I feel we should at least give it a shot for our kid. 

LonelyNLost - I'm sooo transparent. He's got my passwords for everything, ive even come home to find the webcam turned to motion detector, and I don't care! I've got nothing to hide, so I feel like if these things put his mind at ease, it's cool. But it obviously doesn't. I cut 4 or 5 male friends out of my life, (a couple were sort of exes so they were justified, and the others I figured my relationship with him was more important so ok) at his request, but he now wants me to stop contact (we're really only friends via facebook, but I've been friends with thus guy for more than 10 years) with a guy he's convinced I cheated on him with. I put my foot down. He is getting too controlling and trying to systematically end every male relationship I have, and I'm not doing it anymore. If what you say about your husband is true, than you have all the reason to be bothered. But if you only suspect, I can tell you, the only way you could push him away faster is with physical violence. 

So I gave him an ultimatum this morning. Therapy, now, or I'm gone. We'll see what happens. I love him to bits, but he's not the man I married anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

He's a control freak and this is his weapon of choice. If you eliminate all contact with others, including all men he'll find something else. I believe my wife is clinically paranoid. I am very familiar with utterly unfounded suspicions. There are no conversations, only interrogations framed as 'anxiety'. Paranoia is the most toxic thing of all specifically because they resist all forms of discussion and treatment since that is the nature of paranoia. They persecute YOU by claiming they are the one's being persecuted.


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## cath (Mar 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> He's a control freak and this is his weapon of choice. If you eliminate all contact with others, including all men he'll find something else. I believe my wife is clinically paranoid. I am very familiar with utterly unfounded suspicions. There are no conversations, only interrogations framed as 'anxiety'. Paranoia is the most toxic thing of all specifically because they resist all forms of discussion and treatment since that is the nature of paranoia. They persecute YOU by claiming they are the one's being persecuted.


Was your wife always like this? These behaviours didn't surface in my husband until more than 2 years together. I suppose he could have just hidden it well. Are you still married? Has anything helped? I have so many questions. I don't know anyone else in this situation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cath (Mar 27, 2011)

Wow. I just did some research on paranoid personality disorder. I wasn't even aware this was a condition, and I'm no diagnostician, but I'd bet my life my husband suffers from this. The outcome for both therapy and medication is poor, for the reasons you stated Runs Like Dog. Should I confront him that I suspect this is the problem? Oh I don't know what to do...... This is devastating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cath, gaslighting is when someone tells you or tries to make you believe something that isn't true.

Example: You told him you would never ever get an abortion and he tells you later that you and him never had that conversation before. 

Or, he tells you he was going to meet up with friends on Fri and later you ask him about it and he says that never happened. 

It is really screwy cause you start to doubt yourself and if what you heard was true. 

Was he cheated on in the past? His trust issues could stem from that? From what I read it sounds like he is very controlling/jealous/insecure.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Your husband has a problem for sure.

My wife used to accuse me of bizarre things and of cheating.

She used those made up in her head reasons to justify her affair.

I'm writing to tell you that in my experience of many years with her, the strange is hardwired. It doesn't change for the better.

She doesn't think she has a problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> He's a control freak and this is his weapon of choice. If you eliminate all contact with others, including all men he'll find something else.
> 
> They persecute YOU by claiming they are the one's being persecuted.


I agree w/ this 100%

Wow. I missd the part about you taking a LIE DETECTOR test for him. That is nuts.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

cath said:


> Was your wife always like this?


I don't know. I didn't have the insight @ 20 I have now. I would have to say at any rate it's progressive. Although in retrospect some of the things she said about her childhood seem more ominous now. Both her parents were horrible parents and terrible people but the specifics of her alleged persecution don't stand up.



> Are you still married?


Yes



> Has anything helped? I have so many questions. I don't know anyone else in this situation.


No but she like everyone with this doesn't recognize the problem. THAT'S the problem. You're wasting your time telling a paranoid to get help. They're PARANOID, they believe everyone's lying to them to victimize them.

But to be fair there is a whole spectrum of this from intense denial to garden variety petty sniping and anger to obsessive suspicion to full blown delusions. 

I would say that the best thing is not to be alarmed and to see if you can push his suspicions to the side and investigate his openness to 1 on 1 psychiatric counseling in adjunct to MC. The way I would present it as a way for him to deal with his fears about the relationship or any relationship and not specifically as a way to correct you according to what he wants.


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## cath (Mar 27, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I agree w/ this 100%
> 
> Wow. I missd the part about you taking a LIE DETECTOR test for him. That is nuts.


Yeah, it was a Christmas present. Ridiculous. I asked him before I spent the money, if he was going to believe the results, and he said yes, but we fought about it on the way home in the car. i should have been smart and left then. hind sight is 20/20.



Jellybeans said:


> Cath, gaslighting is when someone tells you or tries to make you believe something that isn't true.
> 
> Example: You told him you would never ever get an abortion and he tells you later that you and him never had that conversation before.
> 
> ...


ok - well that's not going to work with me, i know what i hear to be true. but now i know what it means. thanks!

he claims to have been cheated on, but i'm not sure that is actually the case anymore. to be honest, i think he probably made that up in his head, as well. 

he also claims that every member of his family, (mother, father, step father, oldest brother, younger sister, aunts and uncles), except for one brother, are horrible horrible human beings. though i'm not completely clear on the reason he thinks this about most of his family. he hasn't had any contact with any of them in years, except for a brief visit with his father, who was on deaths door. 

i've thought about phoning his brother, explaining the situation to him, and asking him if he wouldn't mind suggesting counselling to my H, as his brother is the only person he listens to/trusts. But I don't know him very well (we live in different countries) and I'm concerned if he tells my H I suggested this, it will make things worse.

thanks for all of your input, everyone. it really is much appreciated.


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