# Feeling lost,confused and depressed



## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Hi everyone... I’ve got myself in a right mess!!! I was with my ex for 12 years and we split due to arguments that couldn’t ever seem to be resolved because we are both stubborn to admit our faults. After 2 month I got into W relationship with another woman to take away my heart break. Things seemed ok the first 3 month and my ex was out of my head for a little while then reality started kicking in that this new woman wasn’t meant for me so I started distancing myself from her and she noticed then a few weeks later she announced she was pregnant and was keeping it just as I was about to end it all and make things back up with my ex !! She stopped taking her pill without telling me and I know I should have used something myself but I just didn’t think! She’s keeping the baby and now I feel obliged to stay in this relationship she’s 5 months pregnant now so in total we’ve been together 10months and the worst thing is I don’t love her or even want to be with her and it’s killing me inside. I’ll support the baby 100% but I’m struggling staying in this relationship with someone I don’t love when I’m in love with my ex still but I know things won’t work out with my ex now 😢 I’m hoping I will eventually love my new girlfriend but I just don’t know how I can when after 10 months together I don’t. Will a baby make things better? And maybe I’ll eventually love her?? My head is just so confused right now and I’m struggling I never ever thought any of this would happen but it’s happened. I’m scared to break things off with her because I don’t want to stress her out so I’m keeping everything to myself on how I feel. Is any guy on here ever been in a similar situation???


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## Overwhelmedagain (Apr 24, 2021)

It’s always that whole “I didn’t think” thing that kicks people’s asses. 
Sounds like it’s time for you to be honest with your girlfriend.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Overwhelmedagain said:


> It’s always that whole “I didn’t think” thing that kicks people’s asses.
> Sounds like it’s time for you to be honest with your girlfriend.


And it certainly has kicked my ass 😢 I’m scared to open up I’m trying to act normal but it’s killing me inside because I don’t don’t to be with her and hoping my feelings will eventually change


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## Overwhelmedagain (Apr 24, 2021)

Feelingconfused said:


> And it certainly has kicked my ass 😢 I’m scared to open up I’m trying to act normal but it’s killing me inside because I don’t don’t to be with her and hoping my feelings will eventually change


Then you need to tell her. It’s not fair to either of you.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Overwhelmedagain said:


> Then you need to tell her. It’s not fair to either of you.


I know I’ve just got into my head I’ll eventually love her and things will be better once the baby arrives


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Be true to yourself otherwise you will waste your life.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, it’s very unlikely to get better, unfortunately — babies and children tend to put stress on a relationship and yours is already stressful because you don’t love her. Men are very frequently encouraged to find someone else immediately instead of taking a break for awhile. You are now a sad example of what can go wrong with jumping into a new relationship. Tell her that you can’t be with her and move on. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself with another child or two down the road and an even bigger mess than you have now.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

I know I just don’t know how to say it. We don’t really argue or anything it’s just me and my feelings towards her but she does moan at me when she sees I’m down,she will say why have you always got a miserable face on you. She’s not a horrible person or anything but I just can’t help how I feel and I know deep down my feelings aren’t going to change if I don’t love her after 10 months and spent a lot of time together


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

After such a long relationship, you needed about a year to workout many natural codependencies that you developed with your ex. I imagine that seeing your ex already dating may have been the impetus to go out there but look what’s happened now. you’ve got a girl pregnant that you’re Luke warm about because your heart is still not over your ex.

If you truly do not have strong feelings for her, then you should let her know as gently as possible. Just be sure that there really is no hope of love or fondness developing because once you tell her, the relationship is going to go south fast.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

jsmart said:


> After such a long relationship, you needed about a year to workout many natural codependencies that you developed with your ex. I imagine that seeing your ex already dating may have been the impetus to go out there but look what’s happened now. you’ve got a girl pregnant that you’re Luke warm about because your heart is still not over your ex.
> 
> If you truly do not have strong feelings for her, then you should let her know as gently as possible. Just be sure that there really is no hope of love or fondness developing because once you tell her, the relationship is going to go south fast.


My ex is still single she hasn’t met no1 since we split,I hurt her badly when I jumped straight into the arms of someone else. I live with massive regrets now for what I’ve done because a new woman showed me a little abit of attention when I was at my lowest and it was all fun at the start going out all the time partying with the new girlfriend enjoying ourselves but now reality has well and truly kicked in and by the time I realised it my new girlfriend was pregnant. If I’m honest I’ve been drinking also to block out my problems and i know it won’t help me! I was on talking terms with my ex when all this happened and I’m in a loveless relationship with a baby on the way with the wrong girl


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

having a baby will not make it better for either of you, you will both be much happier co-parenting and living apart and on your own then together. also please do not sign anything until you have a DNA in test done, some who would purposely stop taking birth control pills is some who can not be trusted


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You’re finding out the hard way that you already had the girl of your dreams but you let the allure of a shiny new vag to lead you to betray and abandon her. 

So the question is, where to from here? You can try to go back to your ex but with your new girl being pregnant, I doubt she will take you back. Then there’s trying to learn to love the girl who’s carrying your baby.

Some say that adding a baby in a relationship that has problems will cause the couple to have even more problems but I think that becoming a father may just be the thing that causes you to fall in love with the new girl.

As a man, this baby is not real to you until you see it being born. Seeing your girl go through the pain of childbirth and then seeing the baby, can cause you to fall hard for her. I say may but that also depends on you. Remember that love is not just a feeling, it’s a verb; meaning that it takes work.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

She stopped the pill without your knowledge? I'd dump her ass kid or no kid just for that. Wow.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

jsmart said:


> You’re finding out the hard way that you already had the girl of your dreams but you let the allure of a shiny new vag to lead you to betray and abandon her.
> 
> So the question is, where to from here? You can try to go back to your ex but with your new girl being pregnant, I doubt she will take you back. Then there’s trying to learn to love the girl who’s carrying your baby.
> 
> ...


I’m really trying to make things work,she thinks everything is fine between us both but I really don’t see how a baby can change feelings towards someone? I still feel numb towards the fact I’m going to be a father in a few short months,we’ve known she’s pregnant for about 4 months and I still haven’t got my head round it


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> She stopped the pill without your knowledge? I'd dump her ass kid or no kid just for that. Wow.


Yeah but her excuse was “she forgot” but a few of her tablets hadn’t been taking when I looked at the packets that were in my house at the time so it hasn’t just been a one off forgot,she was practically living with me at the time so her pill was at mine, we barely see each other now since she’s become pregnant also


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Oh, man. I completely missed that. Trapping a guy by “accidentally “ getting pregnant is so f’d up. I think some women don’t even do it consciously. When asked about it , they will vehemently deny it but it’s hard to fight the evidence.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You've been had.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> having a baby will not make it better for either of you, you will both be much happier co-parenting and living apart and on your own then together. also please do not sign anything until you have a DNA in test done, some who would purposely stop taking birth control pills is some who can not be trusted


I know I didn’t think it would,I’m just trying to kid myself thinking it will make things better. This will be my first child and I always thought it would’ve been with my ex but it’s happened now and it can’t be changed


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Feelingconfused said:


> I know I didn’t think it would,I’m just trying to kid myself thinking it will make things better. This will be my first child and I always thought it would’ve been with my ex but it’s happened now and it can’t be changed


It may make things worse or maybe, just maybe, you end up developing strong feelings for the mother of your baby. 

The baby is coming regardless, so you might as well give it a try. A few months after the baby is born, if nothing in your heart changes then you can say, I gave it a real shot. you would then gently tell her this is not working. Then you can just try to co-parent.

Despite any possible trickery on her part to end up pregnant, it is still your baby, so you should at least give it a shot. It’s not like you can go back to your ex.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Feelingconfused said:


> Hi everyone... I’ve got myself in a right mess!!! I was with my ex for 12 years and we split due to arguments that couldn’t ever seem to be resolved because we are both stubborn to admit our faults. After 2 month I got into W relationship with another woman to take away my heart break. Things seemed ok the first 3 month and my ex was out of my head for a little while then reality started kicking in that this new woman wasn’t meant for me so I started distancing myself from her and she noticed then a few weeks later she announced she was pregnant and was keeping it just as I was about to end it all and make things back up with my ex !! She stopped taking her pill without telling me and I know I should have used something myself but I just didn’t think! She’s keeping the baby and now I feel obliged to stay in this relationship she’s 5 months pregnant now so in total we’ve been together 10months and the worst thing is I don’t love her or even want to be with her and it’s killing me inside. I’ll support the baby 100% but I’m struggling staying in this relationship with someone I don’t love when I’m in love with my ex still but I know things won’t work out with my ex now 😢 I’m hoping I will eventually love my new girlfriend but I just don’t know how I can when after 10 months together I don’t. Will a baby make things better? And maybe I’ll eventually love her?? My head is just so confused right now and I’m struggling I never ever thought any of this would happen but it’s happened. I’m scared to break things off with her because I don’t want to stress her out so I’m keeping everything to myself on how I feel. Is any guy on here ever been in a similar situation???


So, let me get this straight: you did not cheat on your ex, correct? You two split up after 12 years, because of "arguments that couldn’t ever seem to be resolved because we are both stubborn to admit our faults". Can you be a little more specific about these "arguments"? And, who broke up with who? 

Anyway, so two months after said break up, you jumped in a relationship with a woman, whom you knocked up 5 months into said relationship and you suspect that she may have done it intentionally. You do not love her, nor do you think you could ever love her. And so now you are on TAM trying to get advice on how to dump your baby-mama so you can get back with your ex. Is that it in a nutshell? 

For starters, falling in love with somebody can take longer than 10 months. But, if you are already dead set against it, you are correct in that it probably will never happen. BUT, why do you want to go back to your ex, when you all had such insurmountable problems before that led you to break up? Maybe you should take a step back from dating (and banging strange for that matter), so you can get your head on straight and figure out what exactly you want in an honest to goodness companion? You seem to not be very good at making hard decisions.

Either way, you must be honest with baby-mama and let her go. If she is a manipulator (if she intentionally got knocked up to rope you in, then she is!), then you will indeed be in a very bad situation. But, is going back to your ex the best decision?


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Too much to write explaining arguments but it was something that really could have been solved if we actually sat and spoke and problems just worse as I lost my job due to covid so we were constantly together. My ex ended the relationship and I moved back to my parents house then I was going out with my friends all the time instead of trying to make things right then I met my new girlfriend. I don’t want to break up with new girlfriend now but I was about to end it before she found out she was pregnant,I don’t want to abandon her and my child but I just don’t love her and can’t see things changing, my girlfriend is a nice as a person but deep down she’s not the one for me. But no I couldn’t go back to my ex now and she wouldn’t take me back anyway now there’s a child involved. But yes I really did want my ex back that’s why I was about to end my relationship with new woman. My ex wouldn’t talk to me after we split as she was upset that I was out all the time when she was trying to fix our relationship and I stupidly chose my friends and just went out to parties after I lost my job and that’s why I ended up with someone new because I really thought it was over and I was in a bad place. Tbh I just thought my ex would always be there and eventually we’d be ok then I done what I did 😢


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Feelingconfused said:


> Too much to write explaining arguments but it was something that really could have been solved if we actually sat and spoke and problems just worse as I lost my job due to covid so we were constantly together. My ex ended the relationship and I moved back to my parents house then I was going out with my friends all the time instead of trying to make things right then I met my new girlfriend. I don’t want to break up with new girlfriend now but I was about to end it before she found out she was pregnant,I don’t want to abandon her and my child but I just don’t love her and can’t see things changing, my girlfriend is a nice as a person but deep down she’s not the one for me. But no I couldn’t go back to my ex now and she wouldn’t take me back anyway now there’s a child involved. But yes I really did want my ex back that’s why I was about to end my relationship with new woman. My ex wouldn’t talk to me after we split as she was upset that I was out all the time when she was trying to fix our relationship and I stupidly chose my friends and just went out to parties after I lost my job and that’s why I ended up with someone new because I really thought it was over and I was in a bad place. Tbh I just thought my ex would always be there and eventually we’d be ok then I done what I did 😢


OK, so I'm trying to understand. Your previous girlfriend dumped you. You then, moved back to your parents house and began spending a lot of time going out with your buddies to help you forget about being dumped. Your ex, refused to talk to you (after she dumped you?) because she was angry that you were "out all of the time" and she was, at this point, trying to repair your relationship (the same one that she dumped)? Hmmmm. And now you have buyer's remorse with baby mama because, presumably, your ex wants you back? Are you sure that you and your ex are even going to work together? You wouldn't give any specifics of what the issues were that led to her dumping you so we have no idea how deep that rabbit hole is. Are you sure your ex is going to even want you after you dump baby mama? I mean, I get that you feel it would be a mistake to stay with baby mama if you feel there is no future. But, dumping her makes you look like a selfish, careless douche.... Are you currently talking to your ex? If so, you are having an emotional affair on your baby mama and that is NOT cool.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

You know how you say you don’t love her, did you also not love your ex at some point?

I’d say you should probably work out if you really love your ex as well. Feelings change all the time, so you might even grow to love this new woman. Because at some point, you didn’t love that woman and you found a new one.

See, feelings switch on and off all the time. I’m not berating you, this is a good thing that you’ve experienced real life and what happens.

So what happens next when you act on these new feelings and go back to your ex?

Great potential for growth here and to discover what love really means. If you love that ex, you have a long road ahead of you and make her know and feel this for the rest of her life, and take her punches with humility and grace. Or learn to love the new woman.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Feelingconfused said:


> Hi everyone... I’ve got myself in a right mess!!! I was with my ex for 12 years and we split due to arguments that couldn’t ever seem to be resolved because we are both stubborn to admit our faults. After 2 month I got into W relationship with another woman to take away my heart break. Things seemed ok the first 3 month and my ex was out of my head for a little while then reality started kicking in that this new woman wasn’t meant for me so I started distancing myself from her and she noticed then a few weeks later she announced she was pregnant and was keeping it just as I was about to end it all and make things back up with my ex !! She stopped taking her pill without telling me and I know I should have used something myself but I just didn’t think! She’s keeping the baby and now I feel obliged to stay in this relationship she’s 5 months pregnant now so in total we’ve been together 10months and the worst thing is I don’t love her or even want to be with her and it’s killing me inside. I’ll support the baby 100% but I’m struggling staying in this relationship with someone I don’t love when I’m in love with my ex still but I know things won’t work out with my ex now 😢 I’m hoping I will eventually love my new girlfriend but I just don’t know how I can when after 10 months together I don’t. Will a baby make things better? And maybe I’ll eventually love her?? My head is just so confused right now and I’m struggling I never ever thought any of this would happen but it’s happened. I’m scared to break things off with her because I don’t want to stress her out so I’m keeping everything to myself on how I feel. Is any guy on here ever been in a similar situation???


Could you clarify if she stopped taking the pill all together, she was lazy about taking the pill, or she missed pills several days in a row?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Sorry, I’ve just caught up properly, yes I can understand why your ex ended it and doesn’t want you back - I see also that it’s you wanting her back.

This is a tough situation and it looks like you lost a good thing and I’m sorry that life turns out this way. It looks as though she saw it coming and no doubt spoke to you about this for a long time and nothing changed. It really is true, you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone.

Work on your new relationship. At least be honest and tell her you don’t love her, but don’t want to abandon her and really open up your heart. Give that choice to her, don’t hide your true feelings, because she may actually be a good woman. Don’t paint her badly it may be that you withheld some things from her, not all women deliberately get pregnant. Were you 100% truthful with her when you first started seeing her?

I ask this because I was young once and fell deeply in love with a man who I thought I would marry. I didn’t find out til much later I was actually the OW. He was talking babies and all... turns out I was actually the third woman. He was separated, moving onto wife number two and then me in the middle. Thank
God I didn’t get pregnant but I was promised the world and had ZERO idea of his situation.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> Could you clarify if she stopped taking the pill all together, she was lazy about taking the pill, or she missed pills several days in a row?


She never took them for a whole month maybe longer I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just found one packet that hadn’t been touched


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> You know how you say you don’t love her, did you also not love your ex at some point?
> 
> I’d say you should probably work out if you really love your ex as well. Feelings change all the time, so you might even grow to love this new woman. Because at some point, you didn’t love that woman and you found a new one.
> 
> ...


I fell for my each within roughly 3months of meeting her


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> OK, so I'm trying to understand. Your previous girlfriend dumped you. You then, moved back to your parents house and began spending a lot of time going out with your buddies to help you forget about being dumped. Your ex, refused to talk to you (after she dumped you?) because she was angry that you were "out all of the time" and she was, at this point, trying to repair your relationship (the same one that she dumped)? Hmmmm. And now you have buyer's remorse with baby mama because, presumably, your ex wants you back? Are you sure that you and your ex are even going to work together? You wouldn't give any specifics of what the issues were that led to her dumping you so we have no idea how deep that rabbit hole is. Are you sure your ex is going to even want you after you dump baby mama? I mean, I get that you feel it would be a mistake to stay with baby mama if you feel there is no future. But, dumping her makes you look like a selfish, careless douche.... Are you currently talking to your ex? If so, you are having an emotional affair on your baby mama and that is NOT cool.


No I’m not talking to her now but I was until 4 weeks ago and I find it hard not talking to her anymore. It was always friendly messages but it was me who always messaged her first to see how she was,she would never text me ! it’s been really hard to not talk to her as she was all I’d ever known. The woman I’m with has had a few pregnancies before getting with me but sadly miscarried,she’s only 21 and I’m 31... I’ve stopped texting my ex now as it was really getting to me but I’m trying concentrating on my new girlfriend and baby


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would make sure you do a DNA test when the baby arrives just to make sure the little one is yours. 

You will not all of a sudden love your girlfriend. 

You need to break it off and get 50/50 custody of the baby if it turns out to be yours.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

WTF. She’s only 21? How is her family feeling about a man 10 years older than her dating and impregnating their daughter? 

She’s had miscarriages already?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She was looking for someone to get her pregnant. You were it (this time).


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Look you screwed up by getting her pregnant (not like she didn’t know what she was doing either) so now you are going to be a father, you do not have to follow one mistake with another...this is where you grow up and act like a mature person, you coparent, but you move on, and give it time with the ex...it’s honestly time to work on you.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Feelingconfused said:


> She never took them for a whole month maybe longer I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just found one packet that hadn’t been touched


Well, considering the numerous other pregnancies, she was definitely looking to make one stick. 

I’ve never once heard of a man that said “I’ll stay with her because she’s pregnant” and go on to have a good or happy relationship with said woman. Maybe someone here can say they did... but I’ve never seen it. So I’d say, if you don’t love her like a man should love his woman... let her go! Be a co-parent and a great dad and think with the head on your shoulders from now on.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

jsmart said:


> WTF. She’s only 21? How is her family feeling about a man 10 years older than her dating and impregnating their daughter?
> 
> She’s had miscarriages already?


Her family are quite happy about the whole thing and can’t do enough for her but they’ve never said anything about the age gap


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Age gap has nothing to do with anything. There is a 12 year difference with my aunt and uncle. They have a great marriage.

The problem with OP’s relationship is that he doesn’t love his girlfriend.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Age gap has nothing to do with anything. There is a 12 year difference with my aunt and uncle. They have a great marriage.
> 
> The problem with OP’s relationship is that he doesn’t love his girlfriend.


No your right age has nothing to do with it! I just made a mistake getting into a new relationship and once the rose tinted glasses came off I realised it wasn’t for me but now im about to become a first timer father with a woman I don’t love. I never once thought something like this would happen


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Paternity testing ASAP, and if it’s not yours walk away.

And hopefully you’ve learned your lesson re: condoms.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Feelingconfused said:


> Yeah but her excuse was “she forgot” but a few of her tablets hadn’t been taking when I looked at the packets that were in my house at the time so it hasn’t just been a one off forgot,she was practically living with me at the time so her pill was at mine, we barely see each other now since she’s become pregnant also


How old are you? You don’t seem to take any responsibility for the situation you are in. The best appraoch is honesty. dont have a relationship with either one and sort yourself out. Get IC. Don’t lie to current GF and your old GF won’t want you back after you impregnated another woman. Grow up first and become a man worthy of a good woman.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

aine said:


> How old are you? You don’t seem to take any responsibility for the situation you are in. The best appraoch is honesty. dont have a relationship with either one and sort yourself out. Get IC. Don’t lie to current GF and your old GF won’t want you back after you impregnated another woman. Grow up first and become a man worthy of a good woman.


I have taken responsibility for what’s happened and I know I should have used something myself but like always I didn’t think because she was on her pill.. well so I thought! I’ll take full responsibility for my child I’m just at a loss where this relationship will end


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Feelingconfused said:


> I have taken responsibility for what’s happened and I know I should have used something myself but like always I didn’t think because she was on her pill.. well so I thought! I’ll take full responsibility for my child I’m just at a loss where this relationship will end


Here is what I am trying to understand: why, exactly, are you still with the pregnant girlfriend? Is it out of pitty? Sense of duty? Lack of options? What? You have stated that you do not love her and you regret the breakup with your ex (even though you were the one that was dumped). I'm asking you this because, I'm trying to understand your motive. Are you just trying not to hurt the girlfriend? Stringing her along when you know you will not be there long term, is cruel. Right now, in her head, she is thinking that you, her and baby are going to be a family from here on out. And I would hate to be here on TAM, a year or two down the road, reading her story of how the father of her children bailed on her for another woman. If you have already made up your mind that you do not want to be with this girl for the long haul, end it ASAP.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Here is what I am trying to understand: why, exactly, are you still with the pregnant girlfriend? Is it out of pitty? Sense of duty? Lack of options? What? You have stated that you do not love her and you regret the breakup with your ex (even though you were the one that was dumped). I'm asking you this because, I'm trying to understand your motive. Are you just trying not to hurt the girlfriend? Stringing her along when you know you will not be there long term, is cruel. Right now, in her head, she is thinking that you, her and baby are going to be a family from here on out. And I would hate to be here on TAM, a year or two down the road, reading her story of how the father of her children bailed on her for another woman. If you have already made up your mind that you do not want to be with this girl for the long haul, end it ASAP.


I’m with her because I don’t want to cause her any stress whilst she’s pregnant. We’ve totally drifted apart anyway since she’s been pregnant she comes over only once or twice a week now,her choice not to come although it doesn’t really affect me her not coming. As for my ex I regret jumping straight into this relationship instead of trying to solve the problems we had even though we split up we were occasionally talking via text but always ended up in a argument then I met the woman I’m with now on a night out through Mutual friends and I just got carried away with myself with something new and it soon wore off then the pregnancy happened


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Feelingconfused said:


> I have taken responsibility for what’s happened and I know I should have used something myself but like always I didn’t think because she was on her pill.. well so I thought! I’ll take full responsibility for my child I’m just at a loss where this relationship will end


Co-parenting to the best of your ability. 

You both deserve to be in a loving relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Openminded said:


> No, it’s very unlikely to get better, unfortunately — babies and children tend to put stress on a relationship and yours is already stressful because you don’t love her. Men are very frequently encouraged to find someone else immediately instead of taking a break for awhile. You are now a sad example of what can go wrong with jumping into a new relationship. Tell her that you can’t be with her and move on. If you don’t, you’ll find yourself with another child or two down the road and an even bigger mess than you have now.


Agree totally. It's mad to encourage other men to go out so quickly and meet someone else. This is what can happen. 
You have to tell her the truth. Tell.her you will be a good dad but that you don't love her. 
Please then leave it a long time before you date anyone else.


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Feelingconfused said:


> I’m with her because I don’t want to cause her any stress whilst she’s pregnant. We’ve totally drifted apart anyway since she’s been pregnant she comes over only once or twice a week now,her choice not to come although it doesn’t really affect me her not coming.


Oh, I see. So, you are not wanting to rock the boat so as not to negatively affect the pregnancy. That is good reason and I understand.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Rushwater said:


> Oh, I see. So, you are not wanting to rock the boat so as not to negatively affect the pregnancy. That is good reason and I understand.


No I wouldn’t want to stress her out and cause any problems but I’ve just been hoping when the baby comes things will get better and that I’ll love her but I think it’s very slim chance of that after all this time and I don’t still with or without a baby


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

Feelingconfused said:


> No I wouldn’t want to stress her out and cause any problems but I’ve just been hoping when the baby comes things will get better and that I’ll love her but I think it’s very slim chance of that after all this time and I don’t still with or without a baby


Look, I understand the quandary that you are in. You seem pretty confident that this is not the woman for you but you are torn about leaving her because you do not want to adversely affect the pregnancy.
Being a Christian, my usual advice is (when big, life-changing decisions are on the table) to pray for wisdom as He has NEVER let me down. But, let's assume that you are not a Christian, and play this out. So, you have about 4 months until baby arrives. The closer that you get to delivery date, the more difficult it will be to end the relationship. Once baby arrives, you will be head over heals for him/her. Baby mama is probably going to want to discuss marriage at that point as well as living situation. At that point, you are probably going to have to make a decision.

If you do not love her, nor think that it is heading that direction, then you need to terminate the relationship as far as being "together". If you try to force yourself, when you do not love her, it will be a disaster for all involved. Having a baby is not easy. It requires a tremendous amount of selflessness, consideration and patience from both parents.

My wife and I have three children. I am head over heels in love with my wife. If I was not in love with her, I do not know how I would have handled it. She probably would have ended up hating my guts. And in your situation, you might end up hating her guts because, she is going to need to lean on you for help. That's a new daddy's job. Add on top of that, every time that you have sex with her, post delivery, you risk knocking her up again. Just food for thought.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Feelingconfused said:


> I’m with her because I don’t want to cause her any stress whilst she’s pregnant. We’ve totally drifted apart anyway since she’s been pregnant she comes over only once or twice a week now,her choice not to come although it doesn’t really affect me her not coming. As for my ex I regret jumping straight into this relationship instead of trying to solve the problems we had even though we split up we were occasionally talking via text but always ended up in a argument then I met the woman I’m with now on a night out through Mutual friends and I just got carried away with myself with something new and it soon wore off then the pregnancy happened


Why do you need to be in any relationship at all? Sounds even at the age of 31 that you are still quite childish and have not grown up.
Get out of this relationship. Ensure that kid is actually yours and if it is tell STBXGF that you will step up the the plate with financial support but that is it. it is not fair to her to continue to lie. She is young and will be fine. In fact she may have got pregnant on purpose.
Forget about Ex GF, leave her be and let her move on with her life. She dumped you remember and probably because you were being an immature jerk.
Then join a program of IC to focus on who you want to be as a man, as a person, in your career, what you want for your future. Grow to be a better and mature man. Your current circumstances arose due to a lack of maturity and common sense.


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## Feelingconfused (May 7, 2021)

Lostinthought61 said:


> having a baby will not make it better for either of you, you will both be much happier co-parenting and living apart and on your own then together. also please do not sign anything until you have a DNA in test done, some who would purposely stop taking birth control pills is some who can not be trusted


My girlfriend is happy though,I’m just pretending which I feel awful for but I’ve just been hoping the baby will bring us close together once it arrives.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently, you’ve decided that living on hope is the strategy you’re going with. Maybe she thinks the same — who knows. You’ll find out soon. Good luck.


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Feelingconfused said:


> I know I’ve just got into my head I’ll eventually love her and things will be better once the baby arrives


The baby will not make things better, in fact it will make things worse. I was unfortunately in a situation where my husband and I got married relatively young and he started to question whether the marriage was for him but instead of being honest with me about his feelings he was very selfish and misleading. Dragged me along on this ride while cheating on me, and continued to do so even after we had a baby. So tell her how you are feeling!


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## RNSoSo (May 19, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Apparently, you’ve decided that living on hope is the strategy you’re going with. Maybe she thinks the same — who knows. You’ll find out soon. Good luck.


Please do not pretend! It's unfair to both her and you. Be honest with yourself and her.


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