# She came by today to pick up the rest of her belongings



## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

So most of you know my whole story by now. Well, she came by just before to pick up the rest of her stuff. She was incredibly cold right from the start. I had huge knots in my stomach but I was trying to be cool.

She said she wanted the wedding gifts - pots and pans and bowls - that her Dad and Aunt gave us. I told her she was the one that wanted out and she got pissy and pointed out the other wedding gifts that I was keeping. So, I said take them. Then she wanted the vacuum cleaner, but I held firm on that which pissed her off, but she said fine.

I helped her carry things out. She remained very cold. I had a sense that had heard that I was told about her and the other guy. That's how she deals. 

I updated her on the legal proceedings. She then asked me if I was "OK." I was hurting really badly while she was there, especially because she was so cold - it's amazing how she can turn her feelings and emotions off. Anyway, I wanted to appear strong so I told her that I was fine - I think my voice was shaking. I told her that I was actually relieved and then I said, "with everything I've been hearing, we just don't need to be married to each other." 

She didn't even flinch. She is so cool and emotionless under pressure. Didn't ask what I had heard and didn't even respond. Now, I wonder if I just shouldn't have said anything about it.

The thing that sucks is that I was so nervous and now I am sad again. I just don't understand how she can be so remorseless and how she has the capacity to convince herself that this was somehow my fault and that's why she was drinking and involving herself with her ex in some manner. 

I'll be fine, it's just another very tough moment for me. I am ready to feel in my heart, what I know in my mind - that she was a horrible choice and that she has severe addiction and psychological problems and that I should be so relieved to be freed from it. But right now, I'm sad.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Betterman said:


> S... I told her that I was actually relieved and then I said, "with everything I've been hearing, we just don't need to be married to each other."
> 
> She didn't even flinch. She is so cool and emotionless under pressure. Didn't ask what I had heard and didn't even respond. Now, I wonder if I just shouldn't have said anything about it.
> ...


Who knows what she was thinking. Maybe she hates herself (how could she not?) and acts like that to hide her feelings. Maybe she's just a sociopath with no feelings. Maybe she was drunk and trying to cover...

Bottom line - you dodged a bullet my friend, a major bullet, getting out of this marriage so fast. I know you must be terribly sad and hurt right now, but it will pass. Take care and give it some time. Look at the people on here with 15, 20, 30 years invested in a relationship and they learn their spouse has been a serial cheater, or after years of thinking things were fine their spouse up and leaves.

You are getting a do over. I know it hurts now, but someday you will thank God she was such a head case that she pulled this stunt after just 2 months. Hang in there, be good to yourself, and give it some time. You have my sympathies.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you for your input, WorkingWife. I know I will get there, it's just the process of getting there that sucks. Her abject coldness was just chilling, and then she asks if I'm ok. 

You know, my buddy who is alcoholic told me that it usually takes something about catastrophic for alcoholics to finally get help (she has two DUIs and still doesn't think she has a problem). Perhaps, this is how it works with those of us with co-dependent tendencies. This thing with her is my major slap in the face work out my own issues. In fact, I know this to be true, and I will come around to being in a place where I'm not even bitter anymore. But I'm not there yet. I guess I should cut myself some slack it only happened a week ago. 

Strangely, this whole thing is an answer to my earlier prayers, when her drinking cycles were so bad, I prayed for clarity about whether to stick it out or not and I can even remember thinking, I wish she would just cheat on me, so we had a good reason to end it. 

I know I shouldn't have waited, but I also believe that as a result of the state I was in, I may have regretted it very quickly and tried to get her back. Perhaps, this is God's way of looking after me, to make sure it is permanent. I should be counting my blessings.


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## MrPack (May 19, 2015)

It sounds like you have the right mindset considering what your going through. I wish you luck and happiness as you continue to grow and recover from this experience. I'm going through a separation right now that looks like it'll turn out to be a divorce from my wife so I know the up and down feelings. Hang in there and try to stay positive.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Maybe she was feeling guilty about the way she treated you, who knows. It will change nothing. You are going through the toughest part of any divorce. It hurts and there is precious little you can or should do to stop it. Any rational, thinking person would mourn the end of a marriage.

Try not to obsess over this. Try to distract your mind with other things or activities or projects.In time, the pain will feel less intense and will come less frequently. It is a process we all go through.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

It's nearly impossible to understand people like this.

Yesterday I spent ten hours moving out of our shared residence. (The fact that it took 3 men 10 hours to move half of the contents from a home 5 miles is a whole 'nother issue I'll be addressing with the moving company!!!!! Do NOT use 2 Men & a Truck! They quoted me 4-5 hours which is all it should have taken.)

Anyway, it was a very long, hot, tiring and EXPENSIVE day. Ya know what the first thing my ex texted to me when he got home from work?

"Did you take ALL of the silverware???" (I bought it, so yes, I did not leave HALF a set there! And I did make sure to leave a box of plastic ware)

Then, "I'm pretty sure I bought that area rug, and it would have been nice if you told me you were taking it!" 

Similar texts about why I left a vacuum cleaner there, why I left the blender, about a bag of stuff I accidentally left behind.....Omg, I was getting so annoyed! Not once did he say anything like, "how did the move go?"

They just don't care. They CAN'T because all they think about is themselves.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

SecondTime'Round said:


> It's nearly impossible to understand people like this.
> 
> Yesterday I spent ten hours moving out of our shared residence. (The fact that it took 3 men 10 hours to move half of the contents from a home 5 miles is a whole 'nother issue I'll be addressing with the moving company!!!!! Do NOT use 2 Men & a Truck! They quoted me 4-5 hours which is all it should have taken.)
> 
> ...


I found it quite liberating to know, I mean really honestly know, just how self-absorbed my ex was. Its not as though it had been hiding from me, but something happens that turns a light on in your head and allows you to see your ex the same way the rest of the world can see them.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So i am guessing she see this as all your fault? you got to scratch your head on that one...don't you?


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Hand in there bub, you'll be ok. Do not take her back when everything turns to sh*t for her. A year from now you'll look back on all this and it will just be a bad memory. You are dodging a major sh*tstorm here, I know your hurting and cant see it right now, but you are much better off.


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you all for your responses. This forum is a real blessing. 

Last night as I was driving home from meeting some buddies for Trivia night, a song came on from the 90s that just seemed like a message from above and gave me an intense moment of joy - Freedom by George Michael. For a few moments I experienced genuine joy and relief that I am free. Free from the alcoholic narcissist, free from her stumbling home at 4 am, free from her interacting with her ex-boyfriend all the time, free from her taking advantage of the situation and not contributing, free from someone who backs out of everything so casually including a two month marriage, free from all the clever lies and clever ways of expressing things, free from thinking there is always something shady and sneaky going on, free from the coldness. Free from a really bad choice to begin with.

Now then, today, I'm a bit sad again. I know I have to go through the process - I've been through it before and it sucks. The ups and downs, the mood swings, etc. I think I may be pressing myself too hard to get over it and maybe I need to just let myself be sad right now.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Betterman said:


> Thank you all for your responses. This forum is a real blessing.
> 
> Last night as I was driving home from meeting some buddies for Trivia night, a song came on from the 90s that just seemed like a message from above and gave me an intense moment of joy - Freedom by George Michael. For a few moments I experienced genuine joy and relief that I am free. Free from the alcoholic narcissist, free from her stumbling home at 4 am, free from her interacting with her ex-boyfriend all the time, free from her taking advantage of the situation and not contributing, free from someone who backs out of everything so casually including a two month marriage, free from all the clever lies and clever ways of expressing things, free from thinking there is always something shady and sneaky going on, free from the coldness. Free from a really bad choice to begin with.
> 
> Now then, today, I'm a bit sad again. I know I have to go through the process - I've been through it before and it sucks. The ups and downs, the mood swings, etc. I think I may be pressing myself too hard to get over it and maybe I need to just let myself be sad right now.


That is awesome regarding the feeling of freedom! Your subconscious knows...

I agree - you probably do need to just let yourself be sad for awhile. There is nothing wrong with that. This is a huge life event and it is sad.

Just don't confuse being sad with wanting to reconcile!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Betterman said:


> Thank you all for your responses. This forum is a real blessing.
> 
> Last night as I was driving home from meeting some buddies for Trivia night, a song came on from the 90s that just seemed like a message from above and gave me an intense moment of joy - Freedom by George Michael. For a few moments I experienced genuine joy and relief that I am free. Free from the alcoholic narcissist, free from her stumbling home at 4 am, free from her interacting with her ex-boyfriend all the time, free from her taking advantage of the situation and not contributing, free from someone who backs out of everything so casually including a two month marriage, free from all the clever lies and clever ways of expressing things, free from thinking there is always something shady and sneaky going on, free from the coldness. Free from a really bad choice to begin with.
> 
> Now then, today, I'm a bit sad again. I know I have to go through the process - I've been through it before and it sucks. The ups and downs, the mood swings, etc. I think I may be pressing myself too hard to get over it and maybe I need to just let myself be sad right now.


Let yourself be sad. It will get less and less as you get angry.

Then, let yourself get angry. This "woman" ****ed up your life, your marriage, and wasted your time.

Then, let yourself get stronger. You've come through this, you are rebuilding your life, stronger and wiser.

Then, let your strength propel you forward. One day, you will wake up and your life will be so awesome... that you would actually thank her for freeing you of her.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

marduk said:


> Let yourself be sad. It will get less and less as you get angry.
> 
> Then, let yourself get angry. This "woman" ****ed up your life, your marriage, and wasted your time.
> 
> ...


And maybe do some work on learning to pick better.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Betterman said:


> So most of you know my whole story by now. Well, she came by just before to pick up the rest of her stuff. She was incredibly cold right from the start. I had huge knots in my stomach but I was trying to be cool.
> 
> She said she wanted the wedding gifts - pots and pans and bowls - that her Dad and Aunt gave us. I told her she was the one that wanted out and she got pissy and pointed out the other wedding gifts that I was keeping. So, I said take them. Then she wanted the vacuum cleaner, but I held firm on that which pissed her off, but she said fine.
> 
> ...


Make notes of what she left with. She has darned well made notes on what she is leaving behind and their values. Don't be surprised if this subject comes up in the end, even though she is not discussing it now. Get used to the swings in her attitude. It has nothing with wanting or caring for you. Its just more manipulation to keep you off guard. Harden your heart. Its all about money now, and how much more she can take.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Just think of the bright side in all of this. You're getting rid of a terrible, remorseless, cold, thoughless person. She will no more be able to share in all the victories going forward in your life. You've been freed to find someone who will genuinely care for you. There's nowhere to go but up from here my friend.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Every woman on this planet has a stone cold b!tch lurking inside. Some of them keep her near the surface for easy access, others carry her around for years before discovering her and then turn her loose with glee, and others discover her early but bury her deep so no one can see her until they need to bring her out to do her dirty work....I think your STBXW is the latter type.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

marduk said:


> Let yourself be sad. It will get less and less as you get angry.
> 
> Then, let yourself get angry. This "woman" ****ed up your life, your marriage, and wasted your time.
> 
> ...


Great post!


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## Betterman (Dec 10, 2011)

Thank you all again for your replies. My moods have been up and down - mostly down. Perhaps her picking up the last of her stuff two days ago and her emotionless coldness have forced it to really sink in.

I know in my head that I dodged a bullet and that I am much better off - I mean what kind of heartless alcoholic b!tch opens herself up emotionally to an ex right when we were getting married and chooses booze and whatever over a marriage commitment after only two months? The thing is, my heart is still aching - I guess it's to be expected. We did live together for 2 and a half years as well. 

I'm ready for the angry phase to kick in, please!


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