# Found husband's cheating through videos



## Corazon2020 (May 17, 2020)

I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.

I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.

He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then when I showed him proof then he agreed. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.

I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.

I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains as a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce. I need help.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

If he was really feeling guilty about his affair he would have deleted the videos of him and his affair partner. He’s just sorry because he got caught. 
At the moment he is not a good candidate for reconciliation.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Well, this is a real cluster****.

First off, your husband should never be "everything" to you. He should complement your life but he should not be your life. Having someone be your "everything" is actually very unhealthy, and this situation is why. You TOLD your husband he could **** other women so long as he wore a condom, out of fear that he'd leave you if you didn't allow that. Do you realize how screwed up that is? Your marriage was NOT perfect. First, no marriage ever is and second, if your marriage was so perfect then why was he ****ing another woman for at least 5 years and making homemade pornos with her? That's your idea of perfect?

He doesn't just watch porn without your consent... he MAKES it with his AP then goes home to jerk off to it.

Of course your husband lied about it all. He's a cheater and cheaters lie - all of them. You cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth. If you do decide to reconcile, he will have to do A LOT of work to _earn _your trust back.



> I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.


I don't care what he has done, hitting him is not okay. That is assault, it is illegal and he could have you arrested. The same goes for him, btw. He doesn't get to hit you either. You do not "end up" slapping him and calling him names. You _choose _to slap him and call him names. There is only one thing in this world that you can control... and that thing is YOU.



> Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce.


The easy answer to that is NO, you should not stay "for the sake of the children". Staying "for the kids" is always a bad idea. This is _far_ from a healthy home for the kids to be living in. Your kids are watching you and learning what a relationship/marriage looks like. Is THIS the kind of relationship you want them seeing and having? One with mom hitting dad and dad hitting mom? One with mom and dad scream and fight all the time? They are watching you and learning how to treat their future partner, and what treatment to accept. Kids pick up on far more than you realize.

Does that mean you have to walk out on your marriage? No, but you two will have A LOT of work to do. Couples can reconcile after infidelity but it is NOT an easy path at all. Even just deciding to reconcile is hard, but it is still the easiest part of reconciliation. You _both_ have to really want it to make it work. Right now I'm not sure either of you are good candidates for that.



> I need help.


You're right, you do need help. You _really _need to find a good therapist and sort this stuff out. There is nothing wrong with doing that and it doesn't make you crazy. You'd be crazy NOT to get help and work on this.

Look, I am sorry that you are in this situation. Being cheated on SUCKS, I know that first hand. Your husband is a real POS and you desperately need therapy. Right now your focus needs to be on yourself and your kids, NOT your husband. Couples can reconcile, and down the road you may change your mind on what you want, but right now you need to work on you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not (currently) someone you should reconcile with.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Once your relationship turned violent, you entered a dangerous phase that can only end badly unless you both seek immediate help. Intensive counseling. Whether you reconcile or not, your descent, and his, into violence, might infect every relationship you have down the road.

Get counseling NOW!!! Both of you. Your marriage may not survive, but what would it be like for your kids if one parent was gone and the other in jail? You’ve got some extreme self-esteem issues (telling your husband it would be ok to have a mistress???) and violence can spring from such feelings of helplessness.

Not saying your husband isn’t a bad guy. Not at all. But when things turned physically violent, and not just a regretted one-time thing, your lives took a very dangerous turn.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Corazon2020 you need therapy as you are suffering from a form of PTSD brought about by your husband's actions.


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## GoneDoggy (May 15, 2018)

No man should ever hit a woman. I don’t care what she has done. Almost any man can protect himself from a woman without resorting to fists. Men retaliate when they let emotions overcome them. I know that walking away and refusing to engage is a good option and it really pisses her off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Violent behaviour is always wrong in a relationship. No matter who it is, man or woman.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Corazon2020 said:


> He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then when I showed him proof then he agreed. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.


Then why did he keep the videos?



Corazon2020 said:


> I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.


You guys are not hitting each other. Your marriage at this point is toxic. It's sad but somethings in life were meant to end. It doesn't mean your life is over but this should be. Your husband is an asshole and you have not reacted in a way that shows you can handle this. 

Move on with the rest of your life.


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## Corazon2020 (May 17, 2020)

He did not delete his videos because he was careless. He had forgotten that he had uploaded them about 2years ago. He hasn't videoed anything during the last 2years and he says that he ended the affair in 2019Nov. To him, I've apologised sincerely for hitting him and calling him names. This is definitely not me and I've stopped it completely with consciousness. Forgiveness is for sure but Reconciliation remains a question.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He must take full responsibility for what has happened. Even making you react how you have reacted.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@Corazon2020 , you marriage is dead. Your POS WH is not the man you thought you married. It's one thing to have a one night stand it is completely another to lie for years to your wife and have a fully sexual affair with someone else. You need to get rid of him. There is no sign of remorse or a care about what he did to you.
1. Is the OW married? If so let her poor husband know what she has been doing with your H, blow up her world
2. Tell all family and friends about what he has done. Do not hide this or try to cover up this, it is not your load to bear nor your shame. Your WH needs to be accountable, exposing this to the light will let him see what damage he has caused.
Start doing the 180, no yelling, shouting, hitting (very bad behaviour of you both).The 180 is for you to detach from this POS and move on.
3. Get a good lawyer and see what your options are, you can also go to Relate for free divorce counselling.
4. Inform your H to move out asap
5. How old are your kids? If they are teenagers, do not hide what he has done. Tell them Daddy wants another woman and mummy cannot be in a marriage if Daddy wants more than me. Children know and understand more than we give them credit for.
6. Start counselling for yourself, make sure you get those qualifications you are studying for. Your H sounds very selfish and self centred. Instead of being proud of his wife bettering herself and being her support he has made it all about his wants and poor him, selfish prick!
7. Start reaching out to your friends, self help groups etc. Start moving on without him.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He cheated and lied for a full third of your marriage. That is a lot to expect to be forgiven. Good luck with that.

It would be too bad and so sad if those videos made their way to his parents, relatives, friends and boss as well as the family of the homewrecking tart.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Corazon2020 said:


> He did not delete his videos because he was careless. He had forgotten that he had uploaded them about 2years ago. He hasn't videoed anything during the last 2years and he says that he ended the affair in 2019Nov. To him, I've apologised sincerely for hitting him and calling him names. This is definitely not me and I've stopped it completely with consciousness. Forgiveness is for sure but Reconciliation remains a question.


Someone does not simply "forget" about their 4 dozen homemade pornos on their computer. I'm sorry, but they do not. Please don't believe that crap. Cheaters are liars, all of them. You cannot believe a single word that comes out of his mouth right now. 

@Corazon2020, you should be focusing on you right now - not your husband or if reconciliation is a possibility. Focus on YOU. 

When it comes to reconciliation or divorce you don't need to make a decision right away. In fact, I would encourage you NOT to make a decision right away. There is a good chance that your mind will change 1,000 times, and that's okay. When I found out that my wife was cheating (two affairs, each spanning many years) I jumped back and forth by the hour. Hell, it's been 18 months, we're still together, and I STILL go back and forth all the time. So, that is not a decision you need to make right now. Instead, take some time for yourself. 

You desperately need to get into therapy, and I mean that. You will never have a healthy relationship without it, with your husband or anyone else. That needs to be step number one for you. 

You can tell your husband that he needs to get therapy as well. If he wants any chance of reconciliation then he needs to do this. If he is going to claim that he has a sex addiction and whatever else, then he can deal with that in therapy. If he refuses to do that then reconciliation is completely off the table. If the underlying issues are not resolved then he WILL keep cheating. 

During this time, of you both focusing on yourselves, you may decide if there is anything to save or if you want to walk away. 

If you do decide to reconcile, your current marriage is over. Dead. You will have to build a new one with your husband, and yes, it really does feel like that. The recovery time from infidelity is around 2-5 years. This is not a quick, easy process. It's hard, and it ****ing sucks. 

But for now, focus on yourself. 

Read up on the 180 and make it your goal to follow that to a T. 
Find a therapist for yourself. 
If your children have witnessed you fighting and hitting each other, find a child's therapist for them.
Call a lawyer, or two (second opinions are always good), and see where you stand IF you decide to divorce. 
Put your husband and your marriage on the backburner. Focus on you and your children only. 
Do you have friends or family who you can talk to about this? You need to stop trying to protect your husband. You do not need to expose him to your children (though there are age-appropriate ways to explain infidelity) but this is not your secret to bear. If you have people to lean on, use them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

MattMatt said:


> He must take full responsibility for what has happened. Even making you react how you have reacted.


He does need to take 100% responsibility for what happened. He cannot blame you for ANY of it. But... 

He did not "make you" react the way you did, and you did not "make him" react the way he did. You both _chose _to hit each other when you could have chosen not to. No one can make you do anything and you are always in control of your own actions.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He didn’t forget about them.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would divorce him. I don't think I can live with someone who lied to me for years. Knowing he was cheating, and enjoying immensely his affair would be a deal breaker for me. 

Focus on healing yourself. Do you have a job? What do you do for yourself? Any family or friends you can lean on?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The H is a cheater, of outstanding proportion and is clearly in the wrong in so many ways. 

And here's another example on why not to make videos and not have them locked down, or be absolutely safe, don't make them period.


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## Jimbo4961 (May 19, 2020)

Hi I can understand your disappointment in him over so watching porn 
And yes its addictive and can stop men seeing their wife or partner in same why but it's not a betrayal it's just frustration a quick fix to Brian and self gratification quick easy no need ask can we tonight etc.
Us men get over it at same time. Remember once children came along is harder to find the quick in the moment sex. It's nothing to do with your sexuality or you not being sexy. I sorry to say to give you advice if you should leave him or not only can really make that decision. 
But would so would he have left you if it was going off with a man or
Ask if if it's ok to bring an old flame round for drinks and dinner.
As for children it's always sad to slit up. You could try consoling for both of you and give it a second go to save your marriage but you may never 
Trust him can leave with that sorry it's all up to you. 




QUOTE="Corazon2020, post: 20134501, member: 344229"]
I'm married for 15years and blessed with 2 lovely kids. He was everything to me. Very affectionate dad to his children. Will do anything for his children. I should mention that it was a perfect marriage until this Easter 2020. He watches porn without my consent and knowledge but I always end up finding out videos from his computer. I didn't like him doing that, I've told him that it hurts me but still he could not stop. This started from the beginning of our marriage. I still loved him and I knew he loved me a lot too so I let go. I started getting dreams of him with other woman for the past 3years. Recently this led me to check his computer and I found 40 sex videos of him and his affair partner on his computer. I couldn't breathe or feel anything inside me for several minutes when I discovered about his affair.
Our love life was regular. Had no problems on bed.
I've asked him if he was interested in anyone else other than me for sex and he has said NO.
I've asked if I was the only woman he has had sex with through out his life and he said YES.
A few times I've even asked him to have sex with another woman if he was attracted to someone else (but I said definitely not without condoms. Just to differenciate between wife and mistress.)
I regularly asked him these questions and asked him to promise me. He made false promises on GOD and my children to all of my questions.
Even though I don't want him to take another woman I still gave him this freedom only because I loved him so much and I didn't want him to end up choosing someone else over me but still he fooled me.

I am devasted. I'm unable to accept that he's been lying all the time. His affair has been going on for 5years (2015 - 2019). The videos constantly keeps playing in my mind. I'm shivering, crying and feeling a crushing pain in my heart. I'm having panic attacks during night. Unable to sleep or eat well. It's been a month now. I haven't changed a bit. I'm suffering. I've shut myself up. Feel dead.

He says that he has ended the affair last year because of guilt and regret. He feels sorry and is asking for my forgiveness. He says that he feels disgust when he thinks about his past. He calls it past already. He says that he tried to confess several times but didn't confess because he was afraid that I would leave him. I'm unable to believe anything he says because he didn't confess. He still gave me false promises even after I discovered the videos then when I showed him proof then he agreed. He says he was addicted and couldn't stop. He says he enjoyed sexual pleasure from the other woman. He assumed that I won't find, so he wanted to continue for sometime and then stop. He was confident and convinced that he could hide it from me. Actually true. I would not have found out because their contact was never through phone or emails. She was his colleague so they used work phone for chatting and to plan their meeting.

I have so many questions piled up in my head. I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.

I'm unable to forgive as he, didn't confess, has made false promises, broken mistress rules and gave my place to her, I can't accept that she was better than me on bed. I'm unable to accept that I'm not as good as her and that has damaged my self confidence so much.
I will forgive him someday for sure but reconciliation remains as a question mark. Should I continue to live with him for the sake of my innocent children or should I walk out this marriage. I don't want my kids to know about their father's betrayal even if I divorce. I need help.
[/QUOTE]


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Corazon2020 said:


> He did not delete his videos because he was careless. He had forgotten that he had uploaded them about 2years ago. He hasn't videoed anything during the last 2years and he says that he ended the affair in 2019Nov. To him, I've apologised sincerely for hitting him and calling him names. This is definitely not me and I've stopped it completely with consciousness. Forgiveness is for sure but Reconciliation remains a question.


this is another lie! He kept the videos to use when he wants to pleasure himself. He kept them as trophies.
I’m sure there’s many more reasons he kept them - but mainly as an ego feed - at your expense.

no, I wouldn’t stay with him - the whole marriage is a farce. 
get professional help for codependency. You think too highly of someone who treated you terribly. You’re also way too connected to him with your identity. 
learn to be independent. Happy being on your own.

And don’t hit anyone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Openminded said:


> He didn’t forget about them.


He thought he'd hidden them better than that, perhaps?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Corazon2020 said:


> I've become angry and violent. I don't intend or plan to hurt him or call him names but I always end up slapping him and calling him names whenever I ask him about this. This is not me. I've never been like this. I've never even raised my voice to him. He and I can't believe that I can yell this much. Recently he got frustrated with my behaviour and hit me back a few times.


It's over. Get out. Once you start being violent with each other, that's a bridge too far, even further than cheating. 

Separate. Get a lawyer. File for divorce.


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