# need help dealing with the lies



## shinypenny (Feb 18, 2011)

I'm new here but would appreciate some advice. This isn't exactly an infidelity issue, but I'm not sure exactly how to characterize it. I found out (checking the history on our computer) that my husband of 12 years had made an appointment for an "erotic massage." I confronted him that night, and he eventually admitted that he had utilized these kind of massage services before - and he'd been lying to me about it the few times it had happened. 

I thought he crossed a line with this behavior, and it took a while, but I think he finally understands that whatever you want to call it, it was hurtful and damaging that he went outside our relationship like this. (He won't tell me the details of what actually happened--he just says it was nothing, it was stupid, etc., but I have enough of an idea of what went on.) He has said he feels terrible for hurting me and that he'll never do this again, but I also can't get past the fact that he also said that I drove him to this and if I had sex with him more often, he never would have even thought about doing this. 

I don't know how to believe him when he says that it won't happen again. He basically told me that it was my fault. I get that maybe he has a stronger sex drive than me, but I wouldn't mind more than once a week or every other week, either. He just doesn't seem that interested in me and often says he's tired when I've tried to initiate. 

Adding to the problem is that this isn't the first time he's lied to me in a significant way. He lies about his spending; a few years ago, he signed up for credit cards and loans that I knew nothing about until it finally came out that he was spending tens of thousands of dollars on his car (modifying it to a race car). We worked it out that time with a lot of counseling, but last year, he started lying about spending money on his car again. I had somehow convinced myself that he might lie about money and cars, but nothing else, but now I see that I was wrong.

I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do. Lying about the money was bad enough, but now about sex, too? He even lies about stupid little things that wouldn't even matter, but then why does he have to lie about them? If I call him on the lies, he just says that he's sorry and he'll try to be better. He says he feels terrible about the massage parlor incidents and understands that it will take time for me to trust him again, but I don't know how to do that. It just seems like the lies are so pervasive... Can we come back from this?


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Repeated lying is a very bad sign.

Going for an erotic experience (massage, strip club, hooker, etc) is very common for a married man. Frankly it's not that unusual and shouldn't indicate to you that he doesn't love you.

But this combined with the repeated spending on the car to such an extreme is very difficult situation. You need to get to the bottom of this lying.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The problem with lying is that it is usually starts out small. And over time it grows into bigger lies. A lie is told to cover something up. Therefore, you need to ask what he is covering up. Furthermore, what else is going on that you know nothing about. That's where trust comes in. Lies destroy trust. A healthy marriage can not exists where trust is gone. 

You may want to do more detective work and see what else is being covered up. I have a feeling you are dealing with an iceberg here--you are only seeing a tip of it.

And finally, the spending could be a huge problem. How's he funding the "messages"? Where else is money going that you know nothing about? Follow the money trail and you will probably have more questions than answers.


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## Xena (Feb 11, 2011)

It's suspicious to me that he won't tell you what went on in those massages. It doesn't matter if HE thinks it wrong or if OTHER people think it is or is not unfaithful...to YOU it was crossing the line and as you're his wife he needs to respect that. I would demand full disclosure of what went on there...if it's 'nothing' then there should be no problem telling you! And you have a right to know. I would even have him call the massage place on speaker phone while you listen. He doesn't tell them you're there. And he asks them to go through with him an itemised list of every service he's had done there and what EXACTLY it involved. For example, does an erotic massage involve 'finishing him off'? (i.e. a handjob)? Did he opt for this service? Did he have sex with prostitutes there too? Etc. I would also go to couples' counselling, demand total transparency of everything including going to his bank and going through all past history. Maybe no more secret credit cards, perhaps you make a new transparent financial arrangement. I'm sorry but it sounds like this may just be the tip of the iceberg and you may have to do more digging and pushing. Don't let him treat you like this, it's wrong.


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## Andrew2011 (Feb 17, 2011)

Shiny,

I am very sorry to hear this. I am also trying to navigate through a fog of lies emitted by my spouse over the past year.

It is natural for a person to put their own "spin" on things, or not to want to disclose "everything", especially in uncomfortable circumstances. Everyone has done something mildly stupid or regrettable that they don't want to advertise. So you can't always worry about full lack of clarity on the facts.

But outright lying to a spouse about any important matter, or serial mistruths on lesser ones, are huge problems. I almost worry more about the latter category, because there is apparently less at stake in the lie, and therefore demonstrates more about the person's basic morality and communication style.

I have discovered that my wife utters serial mistruths (some of them important) with a very convincing straight face. What's even worse, is that the fictitious version starts to gain a semblance of "fact" over time.

I can't give you any advice except to in your own mind scrub very hard what you are being told by your spouse, not just today but in the past. A little independent fact verification by whatever reasonable (and quiet) means will also help you calibrate your senses. Regrettably, you could indeed find that this is the tip of a very ugly iceberg. I really hope for you that it is not.

Good luck with it, from a fellow fog-dweller.

- A


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Men don't realize how important honesty and openness are to a woman. I have this problem with my H. Started out lying about small money things, chewing tobacco, etc. Then he had an EA and lied about it, and now 4 years later he continues to tell small lies.


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## shinypenny (Feb 18, 2011)

When I first posted, I didn't realize how much I would appreciate knowing that I'm not alone feeling like this or being oversensitive about this. Now I do, so thank you all for your responses. Andrew, Lonely, I hope that we are all able to come out of this and not settle for being lied to. 

I am starting to look into things more. I'm nervous about what I might find, but I am trying to not let that stop me. I would rather know the truth, even if it's an ugly truth.


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## hopingforthebest (Feb 25, 2011)

Shinypenny, you are definitely not alone. Thank you so much for sharing because it helps a lot to know that I am not alone either.


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