# How the heck do I get things to start changing?



## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I am unhappy in my marriage.

There are a lot of issues, and I'm not even sure how to touch on all of them- and whether or not they're the real issue or not.

I'm having trouble of how to deal with this because first of all, I'm the type who is an all-star at suppressing his feelings. The other reason I'm having trouble is that my wife is kind of neurotic and takes offense to things extremely easily.

Here are some of the problems I think I have, in paragraph vomit form. There will be a lot of venting going on and I'm sorry but I just need to get it off my chest.

My wife and I barely have sex. I want to have more sex. These days, we only have sex when it is really obvious she wants sex, or we're away on a vacation. I have stopped pursuing her because I've been turned down in the past and she is not sexy to me.

By not sexy to me, it has nothing to do with her looks. I think she is physically attractive, and if I didn't know her I'd definitely want to have sex with her. But I do know her, and she just doesn't act in a way that piques my sexual interest that much. edit: read the bottom for me re-wording it.

By turned down I mean everything gets a 'not tonight'. Every night is 'not tonight'. Sometimes were more harsh than others. Maybe I am just that oblivious, but it seems like she has her period every two weeks for how much she complains about PMS.

I am a porn user. I know it is probably affecting my sexual performance with her when we do have sex. But, the sex is so infrequent, I really don't care to give it up. Besides, since I know almost exactly when I'll be having sex (Long weekend getaways, after weddings) that I abstain for a week or so beforehand. Only exceptions seem to be if she drinks some wine and all of a sudden she's horny.

The sex was never incredible, but has gotten worse. Yea, that's a lot my fault. I can't get down like I used to be able to because of the porn and gaining weight/getting out of shape. On the other hand, I feel like I do all the work. Foreplay is me doing things to her. She doesn't even stroke me. She won't touch herself. She won't go down on me. Anal out of the question. One time she gave what I thought was a great HJ in a hot tub on vacation that led to some good sex. I used to go down on her but since she'll never reciprocate I don't bother. If I can't do the job on her with my penis, I can use my hand and fingers.

About the weight thing. Yea, I gained some. I really want to get back into shape. I don't really know if it will help our sex at all, make her more attracted to me (if that's a problem), but I am not as concerned about that as I am getting back into shape because I feel like crap. It would also be a big boost to my ego if I started turning some heads again, even if it isn't my wife's.

Oh but, hey, there are reasons I didn't put this in the sex forum!

There are more problems. I sleep on the couch. For a long time I used it as a crutch because I had a lot of problems sleeping. Dozing off with some TV in the background helped. I've felt like I could fall asleep in the bed for a while, but I just don't bother. Our bedroom is a mess, and I can't even get to the clothes in my drawers without moving some of it around. I can't clean the mess because it is filled with random crap that my wife hasn't gotten to cleaning and stuff she's saving for a kid's sale which has been there for at least 4 months and the kid's sale isn't for another 3 (we have a young daughter).

No, I can't clean it up. I'm not allowed. Half of the stuff I'd honestly just throw away but she wants to find a special place for all of the other crap that she hasn't found a place for yet. We have a small house. This doesn't help.

Actually, the only things I'm allowed to clean are the dishes and vacuum. I don't do these a lot because I work full time and she doesn't. I'm not allowed to do laundry (other than my sports gear) because I don't fold clothes correctly. When my wife finds out how I didn't bother to organize our daughter's toys in her play area and just threw it in whatever empty container, she makes a comment about it.

She complains about how the house is a mess all the time and how she never has the time to do it and I have offered to try to help, but if it isn't done in a certain way she doesn't want it done at all. Just throwing a lot of this crap away would go a long way to cleaning this house but she insists on holding on to it for a garage sale, church sale, or kid's sale.

She works part time but doesn't have a lot of time to devote solely to our daughter, and she's upset because of it. I don't blame her for that, I wish she would spend more time with our daughter. It has been especially stressful to her because of the holidays and our daughter being out of control. But, I feel my wife doesn't spend a lot of time just with our daughter, not as much time for all three of us as a family, just about zero time for me and her.

The reasons she doesn't have a lot of time just for us is that she's very involved with her family and church. For her family, she's always going with her mom to her grandmother's house for the day at _least_ one day a week when she isn't working. So that's time she doesn't have at home. She goes all the time because her mother goes a few times a week, and her mother doesn't want to go there by herself.

For church, she is always helping out with whatever events are going on and it seems like there's things going on every few weeks that they need days to prepare for. Now, this is where things are really sticky. I'm not religious. She is. So it's hard for me to tell her what I think she really knows must happen: she's got to leave the church.

Why? Well, here's the thing: the church is dying. It's a huge, old, church that is in disrepair and has a congregation of all of about 20 people. It doesn't even have a full time pastor. Of the 20 people, only her, her parents, and uncle are _able_ to get the church ready for events and to put them on. Everyone else in the congregation is elderly.

She grew up with that church. So did her mom. I know she's probably doing it out of devotion but here's the thing: it has ruined so many weekends where we could have gone out and done something as a family- or at least given us some family time and cleaned up the house more. And, not just because of a church function. It'll take days off a weekend beforehand just to clean it and prepare it. There's only 4 people who can do it.

Because of her grandmother and church, she barely has any time _just_ with our daughter or with us as a family. I know it hurts her, but she won't give up doing these things. I want more time for us. I want her to spend less time with the rest of her family.

Last note about church and family I need to clarify: when I say she does these things like spends the day with her grandmother or cleaning church, she takes our daughter with her. That's why I've been trying to specify that she needs more time just with her and our daughter and us as a family.

That's it for now, probably a ton more to go.


edit: HOLY CRAP I was _waaaay_ too harsh on my wife for the sexiness thing. I guess I need to change that up, but I don't know how to word it. It's not like I expect her to be sexy, it's just that she's always complaining about something or worrying about something else. It's a big enough of a turn-off to me that I don't want to try get intimate with her.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Make 2017 the year you reset your life.

Lose the weight. It's easy, just takes will power. Heavy cardio 4x a week and a strict diet. Drink only water. If you can't figure it out, eat Subway's healthy high protein sands 2x a day. No mayonnaise. Add lifting weights 3 months in. The muscle will help burn calories and make you feel good about yourself. 

Buy a dumpster and throw away crap in your house you don't need. You need to put on your alpha male hat. Take charge and tell her the house is a mess and it gets clean now. If she wants to live like a pig, tell her to go buy her own house. 

Your marriage likely won't survive if you change yourself. You'll have the confidence to go find what you want/need and realize that she is only making you miserable. There is a chance she'll like her new husband and will change her ways to make you happy. 

Good luck. I was posting at the same time last year about my unhappy marriage. 3 weeks later, I left separated and divorced in June. I'm now living a much happier life.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I have thought about separation a ton, already. Financially, I don't think it will work. I'm the primary breadwinner and I don't make enough to support her and our daughter if I was living somewhere else on my own.

Plus, I really want to try to be around our daughter as much as I can.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

toblerone said:


> My wife and I barely have sex. I want to have more sex. These days, we only have sex when it is really obvious she wants sex, or we're away on a vacation.


Take more vacations. 



toblerone said:


> I am a porn user. I know it is probably affecting my sexual performance with her when we do have sex. I can't get down like I used to be able to because of the porn and gaining weight/getting out of shape. On the other hand, I feel like I do all the work.


Stop using the porn, get in shape, perform better in bed, stop complaining about doing all the work. Watch how these changes bring about reciprocal changes in your wife. 



toblerone said:


> I've felt like I could fall asleep in the bed for a while, but I just don't bother. Our bedroom is a mess, and I can't even get to the clothes in my drawers without moving some of it around. I can't clean the mess because it is filled with random crap that my wife hasn't gotten to cleaning and stuff she's saving for a kid's sale which has been there for at least 4 months and the kid's sale isn't for another 3 (we have a young daughter).
> 
> No, I can't clean it up. I'm not allowed


Clean up the mess. Put it in storage boxes in the attic or in the basement or garage or in the back of a closet somewhere.

Cut the crap about not being allowed, you're not a child for crying out loud. Your wife makes the rules and you blindly follow them, and you wonder why she has no attraction for you- it's because you have no self respect and allow yourself to be trampled all over. Grow a set. 



toblerone said:


> Actually, the only things I'm allowed to clean are the dishes and vacuum. I don't do these a lot because I work full time and she doesn't. I'm not allowed to do laundry (other than my sports gear) because I don't fold clothes correctly.


See my comment above about how you need to grow a set and how you're not a child and how your lack of self respect makes you unattractive. 



toblerone said:


> but if it isn't done in a certain way she doesn't want it done at all. Just throwing a lot of this crap away would go a long way to cleaning this house but she insists on holding on to it for a garage sale, church sale, or kid's sale.


If it's been sitting around for a while and she's not getting rid of it and you know it has no value to you or anyone in your home, get rid of it. I know she doesn't want you to. See my comments above about growing a set. 



toblerone said:


> For church, she is always helping out with whatever events are going on and it seems like there's things going on every few weeks that they need days to prepare for. Now, this is where things are really sticky. I'm not religious. She is. So it's hard for me to tell her what I think she really knows must happen: she's got to leave the church.


You know she really must leave the church? That's never going to happen, she's not just going to give up on religion. You're not religious, she is, you married her at your own peril and now you're stuck. Here's a newsflash for you, religious differences such as yours are marriage killers. 



toblerone said:


> I know she's probably doing it out of devotion but here's the thing: it has ruined so many weekends where we could have gone out and done something as a family.
> Because of her grandmother and church, she barely has any time _just_ with our daughter or with us as a family.


Your wife is making a conscious choice- her church over her family. If it wasn't the church, it probably would be something else. The church is only a symptom of a much bigger problem.

You know what's weird? I know more about you, and how your wife thinks, than you do. And we just met.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Guess what... she gets to work and support herself. She can't keep you hostage by not making enough money. You'll have to pay maintenance/alimony for a certain period while she gains employment. You'll have to pay child support. You will get your daughter 50% of the time. But this is what happens when you marry the wrong person. Marriage is not a life long prison sentence, unless you make it. There are so many people "stuck" in miserable marriages waiting for the kids to turn 18. Screw that. This is the years of your prim. Don't waste them.

When I left, my ex wife threatened to take 50% of my paycheck and keep her life the same. Then she got a reality check. She's now working full time, paying 40% of a nanny, and receiving $480m in child support from me. 

The good news is you have time. Start right now in getting back into shape and making your house a home. Don't wait until 1/1/17. You need to start now. She will take notice the new you in a month from now. In 6 months, you will be in good shape. In 12 months, you'll be in awesome shape, six pack and all if you keep to the diet. If she doesn't want to get onboard with you, you'll have a difficult choice to make for 2018. Remember, depending on state law, the longer you stay married, the longer you could be paying in alimony. Some states grant life time alimony if you hit a specific year (15/20yrs). Don't bee that wimp.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Get in shape. When you are ripped stand up in bed and start jerking off in front of her to declare your independance.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

browser said:


> You know what's weird? I know more about you, and how your wife thinks, than you do. And we just met.


You really don't have a clue but thanks for contributing.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

To try and make it more clear:

She's choosing to spend time at her grandparents and the church out of her family devotion or whatever. She's the type who could not live without being in contact with her parents for extended periods of time. I don't know if they're enablers or it's all codependency, and how much a part of that I am. Had I been aware of how deep that was, I never would have married her.

To give you an idea of what I'm dealing with here: she's broken down and almost cried quite a few times because she didn't feel her grandmother appreciated her enough for cleaning the house when they were going to have a big family get together.

She feels comfortable around her parents and her brother, but in larger family gatherings she gets really nervous and always feels left out.

She has a crippling fear of driving, and does not intend to ever get over it, as far as I can tell. Had I known this, I don't think I would have married her.

I'm not asking her to give up her faith or even practicing her religion. It's just _that_ church is a time sink that's going nowhere and it is affecting our family life. If it weren't for her and her parents, the church would close because there is literally no one else involved who is able to do anything about it. I understand why she has ties to it, it's just that her home life is affected (and she knows it) because of it.

Sure, my attractiveness could be affecting the sex department. Not sure how much at this point. In any case I know I'll feel a lot better by going to work out. However, you should realize by what I wrote that's she's got some hang-ups about sex. I mean, she feels _dirty_ touching herself. That one time I got that great handjob? I complimented her on how good it was and she said to me "Well, I just feel good that you still find me attractive".

It's true though: I do walk on eggshells a lot because she's super defensive about everything and she'll shut down if I push too far on things. She's an emotional wreck a lot of times.

But I don't handle the communication part well at all. I'd more than likely give her an ultimatum while blowing up about a half dozen other things.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How often do you get a BJ?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

I've never gotten one from her. She thinks they're disgusting, although she almost did one night while we were still dating.

It wasn't a huge deal to me back then because I'd never gotten a good one in my life and never gotten off from one. These days? It just seems like its piled on another one of her hang-ups.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

There's your answer. 

I was married to a train wreck for 8 years and never got a BJ either. Never got one before marriage either. I was dumb and young. Left her and now get one multiple times a week now from a girl that wants my d!ck 24/7. I'd rather have PIV than BJ 100% of the time but a girl that *wants* to give you a BJ is the best feeling in the world. Life is too short to be married to a boring person. 

My ex was a big religious nut back in her youth too. It scewed her up. Funny, she could never explain to me how she knows everything in the Bible is true. Hell, she couldn't even tell me who the various authors of the Bible are, who translated it, and put it all together. She never owned her faith. Just did what others told her to do.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Yes, my friend, you need to bolster your sense of self worth with exercise and the sense of being in charge of the family will slowly return. Your future direction will then be obvious. Then follow it. There is a good chance it will likely result in separation/divorce but it beats how you are living now. Take charge!


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

toblerone said:


> I've never gotten one from her. She thinks they're disgusting, although she almost did one night while we were still dating.
> 
> It wasn't a huge deal to me back then because I'd never gotten a good one in my life and never gotten off from one


And yet I'm the clueless one. 

My last BJ was.. this morning. It was amazing, I came, and it's one of the many I get regularly. 

Why do you suppose that is? I'm more lucky than you?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

toblerone said:


> She's choosing to spend time at her grandparents and the church out of her family devotion or whatever. She's the type who could not live without being in contact with her parents for extended periods of time. ... Had I been aware of how deep that was, I never would have married her.
> 
> She has a crippling fear of driving, and does not intend to ever get over it, as far as I can tell. Had I known this, don't think I would have married her.
> 
> ...


^^THIS.^^ Apparently, you weren't aware of a number of things prior to marrying her. But you did know about her sexual issues, right? Maybe she hid some stuff from you, or maybe you weren't noticing it at the time.

The thing is, you posted several months ago that she talked too much. You could hardly get a word in edgewise when she started blabbing.

Overall, it sounds like you have a pretty miserable marriage. I agree you need to do a 180. Get fit. Tell her what you need out of this relationship. Change yourself. Work on speaking up. Walking on eggshells? To hell with that. Let her shut down all she wants. 

Frankly, I'd rather live alone than live in a relationship that was making me resentful, angry, nervous, or downright sad. 

Life is too damn short to spend it in a mismatched, unfulfilling relationship. Seriously.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

GuyInColorado said:


> There's your answer.
> 
> I was married to a train wreck for 8 years and never got a BJ either. Never got one before marriage either. I was dumb and young. Left her and now get one multiple times a week now from a girl that wants my d!ck 24/7. I'd rather have PIV than BJ 100% of the time but a girl that *wants* to give you a BJ is the best feeling in the world. Life is too short to be married to a boring person.
> 
> My ex was a big religious nut back in her youth too. It scewed her up. Funny, she could never explain to me how she knows everything in the Bible is true. Hell, she couldn't even tell me who the various authors of the Bible are, who translated it, and put it all together. She never owned her faith. Just did what others told her to do.


I believe everything in the bible is true, maybe not literal due to translation issues; However I have never read thou shalt not give BJs. Sex was created by God to be enjoyed. Man has perverted it, and the church has choked it to death.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I don't believe a word of the bible, but I agree with Thound that sex = enjoyment. I do know that I have choked it to death almost as much as the church has.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

toblerone said:


> I am unhappy in my marriage.





> edit: HOLY CRAP I was _waaaay_ too harsh on my wife for the sexiness thing. I guess I need to change that up, but I don't know how to word it. It's not like I expect her to be sexy, it's just that she's always complaining about something or worrying about something else. It's a big enough of a turn-off to me that I don't want to try get intimate with her.


You did pretty well.






Your game plan:

Fix yourself. This entails being the best you can be, be it father, husband, employee, etc. This includes unconditional love.

Part of this involves having enough of a backbone to have a vocal opinion. 

Your weight loss plan is something you are going to start on ___________

What is your plan for diet (nutrient intake)?
What is your exercise plan?


There is more and lots of it. It is always helpful to set the ground with the personal devotion to self. This gives you much more power to engender change. In soon time, you will be able to approach her with the plan to spark life back into the relationship. The other partner often resists at first. This is because they don't like to admit there is a problem. WIth your perfection and back-bone, you nicely push her through the initial discomfort.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Thound said:


> I believe everything in the bible is true


Why?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

browser said:


> Why?


Because.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Thound said:


> Because.


That's about as much of a reason that Bible thumpers usually give.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

browser said:


> That's about as much of a reason that Bible thumpers usually give.


Either the bible is the infallible Word of God or it isn't. If I were to believe this part, but that not part, why believe any of it. Like the Christian walk it requires faith. A lot of the bible is written in symbolism. I'm not asking you to believe what I believe, but I have to wonder why does my beliefs bother YOU so much?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You need to have a 'come to Jesus' convo with your wife.

First, you and your daughter are now your wife's immediate and primary family. Your needs come before any others'.

Second, charity begins at home. She cleans your home and looks after your daughter and takes care of you before traipsing over and cleaning Granny's house. She gets a driver's license to take the burden off of you. If you were to die, she would need to know how to drive just to survive. This goes for you, too: stop the porn and get in shape. You need a week off of porn in order to perform in bed? That isn't reasonable nor charitable toward your wife. Don't really understand why you're saying you want more sex when you are unable to perform, anyway.

Maybe a chat with the visiting pastor will help you and your wife to see that neither of you are behaving very Christian like.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife has some serious issues that go way beyond just being put off by the thought of sex. She does not prioritize her marriage, or your child. (how old is your daughter?) You have things you need to work on with yourself, so get to doing those and make improvements on your side of the street. 

Time to take charge of your household, for your own sake. Clean the sh!t up. Your wife has hoarder tendencies, further proof of her deeper issues. If she whines and has a hissy about you cleaning up, well too bad, keep going. You need to face the reality that you are never going to have the sex life that you desire as long as you stay with this woman. It just isn't there for her. You need to decide if this is something you can live with for the next 40 years. She can go live with her grandmother.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You need to have a 'come to Jesus' convo with your wife.


I really do. I need to get this **** straightened out. I don't feel close to her at all and in a lot of ways I feel like I've already checked out of the relationship.



> She gets a driver's license to take the burden off of you. If you were to die, she would need to know how to drive just to survive.


Reading around, I'm starting to think I got bait-and-switched on this. During dating/engagement she was all like 'yea i'll learn' and these days she's pretty clear she is scared to death of driving and will never want to try. I mean, she flinches in our car visibly when a car gets too close sometimes, that's how scared she is.

It depends on when I die. If I go before her parents, she'll just rely on them.



> This goes for you, too: stop the porn and get in shape. You need a week off of porn in order to perform in bed? That isn't reasonable nor charitable toward your wife. Don't really understand why you're saying you want more sex when you are unable to perform, anyway.


I don't need a week off to perform. It's just that abstaining helps. If the mood is right, either way, I can still rail away like it was in the beginning.




3Xnocharm said:


> Your wife has some serious issues that go way beyond just being put off by the thought of sex. She does not prioritize her marriage, or your child. (how old is your daughter?) You have things you need to work on with yourself, so get to doing those and make improvements on your side of the street.
> 
> Time to take charge of your household, for your own sake. Clean the sh!t up. Your wife has hoarder tendencies, further proof of her deeper issues. If she whines and has a hissy about you cleaning up, well too bad, keep going. You need to face the reality that you are never going to have the sex life that you desire as long as you stay with this woman. It just isn't there for her. You need to decide if this is something you can live with for the next 40 years. She can go live with her grandmother.


It would be more accurate to say I'd throw things away instead of just cleaning it up. There's **** sitting around in our bedroom blocking my access to drawers that has been there for like 5 months now. Things like stacks of empty containers. If it's just sitting there not doing ****, just throw it the **** away. If we need one in the future, we can get another one. It's not like we're so ****ing poor we have to hold on to a ****ty little rubbermaid container.

I'm nearly at the point of putting the foot down and having the come to jesus moment. It's just that I'm afraid I'll just blow up with a bunch of **** I've been holding back forever. Plus, she's also very defensive so I have to be aware that she's going to try to change the subject to turn things around on me. 

Just the other day she was *****ing about her part time job and how it is and I said 'yea you should really do x, y, and z' and then after that she said 'oh yea well a' with your job too!


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

When is the last time you did something special for your wife? The picture I'm getting is of a guy who's sitting around complaining about everything she is doing, making himself a victim of everything and would rather watch porn/ jerk off instead of putting in the work (it's more than foreplay) to make his wife feel sexy/ wanted and "fall asleep" on the sofa rather than getting in bed with his wife and again making her feel wanted. 

Have you recently made plans for family time and she blew them off to go to church? Or are you sitting around waiting for her to stay around the house with a man who clearly doesn't desire her? As a woman who just went through a separation caused by a standoff of sorts (both of us taking away attention/ affection / appreciation from one another) I will tell you that it's a cycle. If you aren't putting in the effort to be romantic, affectionate, PRESENT then you are causing your wife to pull away from you.

My husband said he knew he was the cause of our separation because he stopped doing things to make me feel loved because he was angry that I was dealing with so many personal issues that I stopped giving him the attention he wanted from me. What he did wrong was that he should have supported and loved me EVEN MORE during those times because I needed a helping hand. Instead he blamed me. The standoff is never good for a relationship. If you can make an effort to focus on your wife for just a couple weeks...take her out, buy her flowers, compliment her...maybe you will see the light come back on.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sounds like you really need to talk with your wife, and not be afraid anymore to do so.  Walking on eggshells is no way to have a relationship. She's an adult and should own her behaviors, just like you should own yours. You know what your issues are and tell her them, and tell her you're going to work on them...(but work on them for you, not her) Lose weight and get in shape for you.

But, she has to work on things, too. If she lashes out and wants to blame you, don't be afraid to start thinking of leaving. I agree with CO Guy, that marriage isn't a prison sentence, and you're not held hostage there. 

There's an exercise thread in the social spot section here, it will give you the motivation you need to get things started. Hope things get better one way or the other.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

The first thing you need to do is start working on yourself. It takes a while, and Lord knows it's hard but it can be done. I did it- my thread is in the sig....and, yes, it dramatically changed my sex life. 

It would also try reading No More Mr. Nice Guy.

The communication part will be tough, but you've got to do it. As others have suggested, enlisting the help of a pastor might be the way to go. She might listen.

Good luck.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

ChipperE said:


> When is the last time you did something special for your wife? The picture I'm getting is of a guy who's sitting around complaining about everything she is doing, making himself a victim of everything and would rather watch porn/ jerk off instead of putting in the work (it's more than foreplay) to make his wife feel sexy/ wanted and "fall asleep" on the sofa rather than getting in bed with his wife and again making her feel wanted.


It has been a long time that I've done something really special.

Whenever she makes comments critical regarding her appearance, I reassure her that either it's not a problem or I really like it how it is. I also go out of my way to tell her that she looks good, and things like that.

I have tried to get in close and just 'chill' with her (for lack of a better term), but that always turns into something where she begins talking my ear off about random things.



> Have you recently made plans for family time and she blew them off to go to church? Or are you sitting around waiting for her to stay around the house with a man who clearly doesn't desire her?


It's more like she's only one of 4 people capable of doing anything in the church (the rest of the 20 person congregation is elderly), and it ruins weeks of her being able to do things that she wants to do around the house that she is so hard on herself about. Then, it takes time out of weekends that we could have spent as a family going to a park- or a million other things.

I guess it's messed up, but I'm not even coming at this from the angle of she's not spending time with just _me_, even though I'd love that.

It's more of the angle where _she_ knows she spends so much time doing things for church/family, she _knows_ it has taken its toll on what she wants the house to look like, she _knows_ it has taken its toll on our daughter. She gets _upset_ at being stretched so thin and not being able to do these things.

I get why she has the attachment to it, but it is coming at the detriment of family time. I want some time alone with her too, to try to rekindle things. But she does all this other stuff out of duty, even when she knows that she's the only person doing it. She'll complain about spending all day with grandmother to get things ready for family get togethers, and then how none of the other grandchildren do much.

It isn't a recent thing. It has been happening forever. I had hoped things would focus more on us, and family- but that hasn't panned out.


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## ChipperE (Nov 16, 2016)

I have an idea. When you see her today tell her you want to take her out in the next week and which night would she prefer. Tell her to go buy a new outfit because she deserves it (even if you don't think she does) and you want to show her off. See what her reaction is. You have to start somewhere. I would suggest starting by watering your lawn and see if it grows. If it doesn't grown then you can address that, but maybe it's time to go all in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

toblerone said:


> I have tried to get in close and just 'chill' with her (for lack of a better term), but that always turns into something where she begins talking my ear off about random things.


Wait. So you're saying you have no interest in what interests your wife? You want her to drag you into bed, clean for you, be a great mother, and cuddle, just make sure not to open her mouth cos you couldn't care less what she dribbles on about?

Do I have that right?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

BOTH of you need some therapy. You to learn to stand up for yourself to HER, and her to learn to stand up for herself to THEM. 

But you can get a head start by reading No More Mr Nice Guy. Like today.

NONE of this would be happening if you were LEADING your family like the man is supposed to do. This isn't a dis at you, it's an explanation of why your marriage went off the rails. You should have insisted at the start that she prioritize you first, then your daughter, then her family, and then the church. By your fear of 'whatever' it is you're afraid of, this whole family has gone off kilter.

Get the book NMMNG today, online, and start reading it tonight instead of your porn. You're going to come back here and say 'OMG, this was written directly to ME!'

Tomorrow, on the way home, stop at Home Depot and pick up a medium packing box. After dinner, assuming she's home, take her by the hand, with the box, into the bedroom. Tell her you're not going to tolerate this anymore and this room is going to get cleaned out. You're giving her the opportunity to do it herself, first, before you start in. Because when you start in, the stuff is going to go into the trashcan. Here's the box, fill the box up with things you want to keep and when it's full, go put those things AWAY where they belong. Inform her as politely as you can (there is no reason on earth for you to raise your voice at your wife) that she's free to refuse to go along with this, but if she does, then you are free to empty YOUR bedroom for your own peace of mind. You're being nice by giving her the chance to get it done the way she wants.

If you can't even manage doing that one thing, you have bigger problems.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Overweight, chronic porn users aren't attractive.


Maybe your wife is genuinely Christian and has a deep need to attend church and have fellowship with those believers. Religion is usually a pretty big deal in a marriage, when you're NOT on the same page.

Throw away your own hoarded junk. Let her burrow in her own. You're stuck living with her, so if she lives like a pig, then so will you to an extent.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

toblerone said:


> I have tried to get in close and just 'chill' with her (for lack of a better term), but that always turns into something where she begins talking my ear off about random things.


Get yourself a pair of these. She won't even know. I promise.


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