# Best way to handle the silent treatment?



## StrongEnough

My H became upset last night after realizing how much he spent on new clothes, shoes, and at the casino over the weekend (Note, I did not spend anything). He was upset with me for not working full time and it became my fault that he had spent so much.

So today, he did not talk to me all day via text or phone. I text a few times, but quickly learned I was getting the silent treatment.

What is the best way to deal with the silent treatment. H is 30 years old, so a bit too old to act this childish imo.


----------



## Blanca

This has been one of the biggest struggles for me in my marriage. My H gives me the silent treatment and it kills me. Ive done many things from freaking out, to printing off a article about the affects of giving someone the silent treatment, to actually having a counselor tell him its abusive. He still gives me the silent treatment though. Just last weekend he did it. I dont do anything to get his attention anymore. I leave him alone. Its not a power struggle on my part, its not vengeful. I dont start feeling resentful and hating him- anymore. Its really sad for me, actually. it breaks my heart. I think after you've completely communicated how his silent treatment makes you feel, all you can do is accept your own pain and try to console yourself any way that works. but accepting that its going to hurt, without blaming him, will help. If you harbor resentment you just feel worse. 

I also let my H experience the consequences of treating me that way. I dont feel a lot of love in the relationship and so i dont do certain things anymore. its not that i plan to get revenge by getting even, i just dont feel like doing certain things after being treated that way. its that simple. 

Now that i dont freak and and dont push him, he comes around on his own terms. it usually takes him a day or so. but he'll apologize later. even in apologizing, though, he's not absolved of the consequences of his behavior. there are still many things i dont, and wont feel like doing until he changes.


----------



## okeydokie

to the OP, taking your post for face value he is being a putz and not accepting responsibility for his own poor decisions. how can you know your not spending too much money while your spending it?

concerning the silent treatment, i do this sometimes to my wife. it usually occurs during long stretches without sex with her not acting interested. i am not engaging her in all the blabbing and drama and emotional garbage with no reciprocation of any kind. i've done it in the past and it doesnt change anything. its my way of letting her know to back off.


----------



## HappyHer

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abandonment and is thereby classified as abuse. It's ridiculous how common that is when it's a soul crushing response to not getting your own way in the relationship. It leaves feelings of insecurity and could destroy any bonds of love that exist between two people.

Of course, pointing that out to him would probably be a waste of time. Hunt Brown had some excellent suggestions. I would also suggest counseling to get to the bottom of that sort of response and try to put an end to it once and for all.


----------



## okeydokie

HappyHer said:


> The silent treatment is a form of emotional abandonment and is thereby classified as abuse. It's ridiculous how common that is when it's a soul crushing response to not getting your own way in the relationship. It leaves feelings of insecurity and could destroy any bonds of love that exist between two people.
> 
> Of course, pointing that out to him would probably be a waste of time. Hunt Brown had some excellent suggestions. I would also suggest counseling to get to the bottom of that sort of response and try to put an end to it once and for all.



i think thats a bit over the top, the silent treatment can just be a result of not wanting to continue a futile discussion with someone who just doesnt get it. its no different than withholding intimacy which seems to be acceptable in some peoples minds (not yours necessarily). is withholding sex considered abuse too?


----------



## peacefully

I would say that if an individual does not want to continue the conversation, or discuss something further, they can be a grown up and use their words. They can choose to say something to the effect of: "I'm choosing to not respond to you right now, because I need some space".

Someone once said: Spiteful words can hurt your feelings, but silence breaks your heart.

Withholding in any form from our partners without explanation is an immature and passive aggressive form of abuse. 

It is also very effective tool for hurting people and not owning the consequences of hurting them. If one uses this tactic, they can hold their hands up and say: "I didn't do anything!" and feel absolved from the guilt of hurting someone. Ignoring and shutting out someone who cares about us is a very emotionally abusive and cruel thing to do.


----------



## HappyHer

There are more loving ways to discontinue a non-productive discussion than just clamming up and refusing to talk. "Honey, I really need a break from this topic, but I promise I will talk to you about anything else that you have going on" - OR - "I really need a time out. Let's get together and talk more at 7 pm tomorrow" or whatever time is good. 

Yes, withholding sex is abusive as well. You wouldn't withhold food from your partner, so why would you withhold sex when it can reduce risks of heart disease, particular cancers, high blood pressure, stroke, etc.... 

That doesn't mean to have sex every time if you are ill, overly tired, or upset, but it does mean that sexual relations with your partner should be a top priority, along with maintaining a close emotional connection. 

What that looks like is working through problems as quickly as possible and keeping the love and intimacy as the most important focus between each other. Whether it be through communicating with your partner, seeing a therapist or doctor. It's important to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship on a healthy level. Life is just too short not to make those efforts at what is supposed to be the love of your life.


----------



## okeydokie

Hunt Brown said:


> abuse is behavior that is intended to hurt or control.
> 
> if you "do not want to continue a futile discussion" the better course of action is to learn the skills necessary to turn a futile conversation into a productive one.
> 
> Hunt Brown


and employing that skill depends on the one you are having the discussion with. the person you are having the discussion with has to play along or it wont work. as stated by others following your post, sometimes its best to let things simmer down and then revisit later.

in the case of the original posters situation, her husband is being ridiculously insensitive with his silent treatment as he appears to be the cause of the irritation to begin with.


----------



## StrongEnough

okeydokie said:


> to the OP, taking your post for face value he is being a putz and not accepting responsibility for his own poor decisions. how can you know your not spending too much money while your spending it?
> 
> concerning the silent treatment, i do this sometimes to my wife. it usually occurs during long stretches without sex with her not acting interested. i am not engaging her in all the blabbing and drama and emotional garbage with no reciprocation of any kind. i've done it in the past and it doesnt change anything. its my way of letting her know to back off.


He went shopping and did not remember what bills had been paid. He did not look at he check register or account prior to going shopping or to the casino. That is how he did not know how he was spending too much.


----------



## StrongEnough

okeydokie said:


> i think thats a bit over the top, the silent treatment can just be a result of not wanting to continue a futile discussion with someone who just doesnt get it. its no different than withholding intimacy which seems to be acceptable in some peoples minds (not yours necessarily). is withholding sex considered abuse too?


 
There was no futile discussion who me at all. And I do get it, so not sure where that applies. He just decided to stop talking to me yesterday morning and I figured out I was getting the silent treatment about 3 hours later.

Withholding sex is a form of emotional abuse imo.


----------



## StrongEnough

So there was not argument. He yelled and got upset with me. I then got the silent treatment. No discussion or arguing at all.

Still lookin for suggestions on how to handle it.


----------



## cherrypie18

Wow my husband too gives me the silent treatment and it used to drive me crazy. He would turn off his phone or not answer it for days. Sometimes because we argued and other times because we were about to argue and he would hang up on me and turn off his cell. Very frustrating. 

What I started doing was I stopped calling him or trying to make any contact and waited for him to contact me. Now when I miss his calls or messages by accident mostly and sometimes on purpose he goes into a rage. I guess he got a taste of his own poison.


----------



## Affaircare

Hunt Brown said:


> you are not going to solve this today, but you can begin to solve it right now....
> 
> and becoming non-reactive to his silent treatment, not letting it get to you, not responding in kind or escalating, is an essential step.


To kind of continue where HuntBrown left off, right now his silent treatment is one way that he gets a certain reaction from you--something that he wants. This is one method he has discovered of getting what he wants, and if you continue to react like you have in the past, he will likely continue the silent treatment. Thus one way to "solve" this issue is to bec conscious of what's going on and discover 1) what he gets from it, and 2) how to react differently.



> ...one step on the way to doing that is to find out what he "gets" from the silent treatment, what his payback is, and then stop providing it.


May I give you a few examples of some typical things that he may "get" out of it? In this instance, he did something for which he feels guilty which in his own head he assigns as 'wrong' OP didn't yell at him that he was wrong to spend that money, but he hears that voice inside his own head. So he does the silent treatment so...


he can blame someone else for what he did
he can avoid the feelings of guilt
he can deflect responsibility
he can elude the consequences of what he did

Kind of get the idea? So in this step, figure out what benefit he has by being silent and shutting others out. 



> ...another step is to be concious of when you become reactive, when you want to retaliate, and then not doing it.


In this step, figure out how you typically react when he's silent. Somewhere in your reaction is probably the payoff he likes! For some ideas: 


you beg him to talk to you--so he is reassured that someone wants him
you follow him around--so he can then claim he feels smothered and storm off
you pick fights to get him to talk--so he can say you started the fight
you escalate to rage--so he can respond in unhealthy, abusive ways but claim that you are the one with the problem
you apologize first--so he knows you still want to be close to him
you do sweet things to try to entice him back--so he gets some romantic things
you get exasperated and cover his consequences for him

Soooooooo....

As as example, if you did both steps you would know that he does this to elude the consequences of his choice, because you get exasperated and cover his consequences for him if he gives you the silent treatment...

Or you would know that he does this to deflect responsibility for choosing to respond to you in unhealthy, abusive ways but claim YOU are the one with the issue (not him). 

It's like he takes a step, and you respond with a step that he is expecting, so then he can take the step he wants! What you have to do is change that dance. He will take his step and you do something completely different! Then he won't be able to get to the step he wants! 

In the example, it would look like this: he might do the silent treatment so he can elude the consequences of his overspending, But YOU don't get exasperated and you don't cover for him! So he still has to face the consequences of his choice to overspend and being silent didn't get him what he expected.


----------



## StrongEnough

Affaircare said:


> To kind of continue where HuntBrown left off, right now his silent treatment is one way that he gets a certain reaction from you--something that he wants. This is one method he has discovered of getting what he wants, and if you continue to react like you have in the past, he will likely continue the silent treatment. Thus one way to "solve" this issue is to bec conscious of what's going on and discover 1) what he gets from it, and 2) how to react differently.
> 
> 
> 
> May I give you a few examples of some typical things that he may "get" out of it? In this instance, he did something for which he feels guilty which in his own head he assigns as 'wrong' OP didn't yell at him that he was wrong to spend that money, but he hears that voice inside his own head. So he does the silent treatment so...
> 
> 
> he can blame someone else for what he did
> he can avoid the feelings of guilt
> he can deflect responsibility
> he can elude the consequences of what he did
> 
> Yes, I think he does it so can avoid the responsbility and also so that he can blame me.
> Kind of get the idea? So in this step, figure out what benefit he has by being silent and shutting others out.
> 
> 
> 
> In this step, figure out how you typically react when he's silent. Somewhere in your reaction is probably the payoff he likes! For some ideas:
> 
> 
> you beg him to talk to you--so he is reassured that someone wants him
> you follow him around--so he can then claim he feels smothered and storm off
> you pick fights to get him to talk--so he can say you started the fight
> you escalate to rage--so he can respond in unhealthy, abusive ways but claim that you are the one with the problem
> you apologize first--so he knows you still want to be close to him
> you do sweet things to try to entice him back--so he gets some romantic things
> you get exasperated and cover his consequences for him
> 
> I do none of the above. I typically let him simmer in his own funk. I don't try to get him in a better mood, nor do I really engage in conversation with him. I refuse to cover his consequences and I won't apologize for something I did not do.
> 
> Soooooooo....
> 
> As as example, if you did both steps you would know that he does this to elude the consequences of his choice, because you get exasperated and cover his consequences for him if he gives you the silent treatment...
> 
> Or you would know that he does this to deflect responsibility for choosing to respond to you in unhealthy, abusive ways but claim YOU are the one with the issue (not him). Oh Yes!
> 
> It's like he takes a step, and you respond with a step that he is expecting, so then he can take the step he wants! What you have to do is change that dance. He will take his step and you do something completely different! Then he won't be able to get to the step he wants!
> 
> In the example, it would look like this: he might do the silent treatment so he can elude the consequences of his overspending, But YOU don't get exasperated and you don't cover for him! So he still has to face the consequences of his choice to overspend and being silent didn't get him what he expected.


This is what I have done for the last two days. In fact, yesterday he left and told my daughter (5) he was going to cabelas. Did not tell me. I did not get upset, but did text him stating that he needed to be home by 2 for me to get to work. He was of course late, so I stayed late at work to get my stuff done. He then had to put the kids to bed. I am avoiding engaging in any conversation with him right now, but I don't see this getting any better. I recognize the reasons and I am not playing this game with him anymore. I see this as a form of abuse and I am ready to pack his items up and set them in the garage while he is gone this weekend.
I appreciate your time here ac and everything you are saying makes sense to me. It is true that he wants a reaction, but I am not giving one and he is continuing with the behavior. Where to go from here?


----------



## StrongEnough

I have not given him the desired response apparently. He has taken it up a notch now and has been texting me. He began calling me names such as leach, bum, telling me he is going to divorce me. He told me that my son would not want to live with me because H has more money and likes he more and that he is old enough to decide (not true in our state). He took to making attacks on my family and telling me I can't support the children.

How do I handle this?


----------



## Wisp

There is a serious lack of repect for you as a wife, a woman and the mother of his child. This is his way of lashing out, you do not have to be in his way.

This is one of the few occasions that I recommend kicking him out to live on his own until he respects all components of the marriage, you as an equal partner and a human being.

He can go to counselling. When he has shown willingness to change work on the marriage together.

Standard stuff – get your finances ready, protect yourself and say bye. If you need a translation SEPARATE as soon as YOU are ready

Assume he will escalate this so get some legal advice. 

If this does not stop it will only get worse


----------



## StrongEnough

He is planning on leaving this weekend to go on a hunting excursion deal. Should I pack his stuff up then?

I agree he has no respect for me period.


----------



## Wisp

I have scanned your old threads, Please do not waste anymore time with him-- time for him to take the consequences and man up to being a good husband or ship out and give you the opportunity to find someone who loves you.

If you pack his stuff make sure you are secure money wise plus he may get a tad angry so protect yourself, you know him I do not. This could be a shot accross his bow , he may do you a favour and storm off


----------



## turnera

WTF? You had an argument over how much he spent in Vegas and now he's talking divorce? There is a WHOLE lot more going on than that argument. Did you go with him on that trip?


----------



## StrongEnough

No, it was not how much he spent in Vegas. It was just a weekend night out at the local casino. 
I did not go with him, as it was a "guy" night and I was fine with him going with them. 
The WHOLE other part is he began giving me the silent treatment. Then told me we were divorce all because he can't do simple math with the bank account.


----------



## StrongEnough

Hunt Brown said:


> moving his stuff out this weekend might be just a tad on the over reacting side, but it is your life, your choice, but two days ago you're asking for help with the silent treatment, now your planning on kicking him out of the house... clearly there is something else in play.No, I have not said I am for sure removing his items from the house, but he did state he wanted a divorce yesterday in front of our 5 year old daughter.
> 
> I don't expect booting him will generate a lot of good will, nor a willingness to listen.Agreed
> 
> If you think the only way he's going to get the message is through draconian methods, it might be fair to give him some chance to conform before you change the locks.How much time and he has made it clear he wants a divorce.
> 
> tell him, this is what I need and expect, and if I don't get it then this is the consequence.
> 
> communication is the problem to the answer.... (10CC)I agree. Communication would go a long way, but he told me we were divorcing along with several other names, including cow, leach, bum. I can not communicate with someone who gives the silent treatment.
> 
> Hunt Brown


----------



## cherrypie18

I think there's much more to it than just math, and he's not telling you.


----------



## StrongEnough

Well, I am not sure, but he became upset because he spent too much money and is now overdrawn. Please note that I do not have access to his account. It is not my error that he is overdrawn.

I have repeatedly put up with his abuse and empty promises to change. I don't know what else it would be other than he screwed up the banking and is blaming me because I don't work full time. I work part time, go to school, and raise the kids. In his eyes, the blame lays with me because if I worked full time he would have more money in the bank and thus would not be overdrawn.


----------



## Wisp

At the least have plan ready that you can follow if things do not improve, you can only do so much and if your husband is intransigent then its time for Tough Love.

It is not a good environment to live in and it certainly can't be good for your children, sometimes you need to make the right decision for their future well being. 

Time apart can do wonders, but be ready for it...

and I reiterate my previous comments

"There is a *serious lack of respect for you* as a wife, a woman and the mother of his child. This is his way of lashing out, you do not have to be in his way.

This is one of the few occasions that I recommend kicking him out to live on his own until he* respects all components of the marriage, you as an equal partner and a human being*."


----------



## StrongEnough

Wisp said:


> At the least have plan ready that you can follow if things do not improve, you can only do so much and if your husband is intransigent then its time for Tough Love.
> 
> It is not a good environment to live in and it certainly can't be good for your children, sometimes you need to make the right decision for their future well being.
> 
> Time apart can do wonders, but be ready for it...


I feel as though I am looking for a flashing arrow or clear cut sign as what to do and how to handle this from here. If I pack his stuff, the consequences are his anger and financially, I will be cut off. If I allow him to continue to do what he is doing, then he will continue as he has. If I stand up to him, things will get worse I am sure. If he gets no reaction, he takes it up a notch and it ultimately gets worse.

I am screwed six ways to Sunday any way I do this. I can't talk to him as he won't communicate. He threatened divorce, so I am super lost as to how to proceed from here.


----------



## Crypsys

StrongEnough, what are you going to do if he refuses to leave? I don't know about the laws in your state, but where I live unless there is domestic abuse a spouse does not have to leave. Have you thought of your direction then; if he refuses to leave?


----------



## turnera

I guess I'm just confused over why such a minor thing is ending up in talks about divorce. And why you're going along with it. I gather your marriage as a whole is shyte, and you were both just waiting for a reason to bail?


----------



## Affaircare

I have two suggestions for you StrongEnough. 

First, it is ultimately up to you to decide if you want to pack his things and change the locks. We are not there with you and in the end it is your marriage, your family, and you would be responsible. 

Second, as you begin to think this over I would refer you to two places: Temporary Orders in Family Court: Quick Decisions on Support and Custody and Safety Plan. If nothing else, these will get you started thinking and planning so you are NOT screwed and so you can see you do have options.


----------



## StrongEnough

turnera said:


> I guess I'm just confused over why such a minor thing is ending up in talks about divorce.I too am confused. He threw the divorce card on the table. I don't feel like I need to stick around and wait to be threatened with that again. That is no way to life.[/I] And why you're going along with it. I gather your marriage as a whole is shyte, and you were both just waiting for a reason to bail?


If I was looking for a reason to bail, I would have a long time ago....

I posted asking for help with the silent treatment, which quickly escalated. If I had my mind made up about what to do, I would not be seeking advice here. I don't know what to do at this point, but it seems as though it is not getting better, but worse at a rapid pace.


----------



## StrongEnough

Affaircare said:


> I have two suggestions for you StrongEnough.
> 
> First, it is ultimately up to you to decide if you want to pack his things and change the locks. We are not there with you and in the end it is your marriage, your family, and you would be responsible. Thank you. Would it be ok to pm you ac?
> 
> Second, as you begin to think this over I would refer you to two places: Temporary Orders in Family Court: Quick Decisions on Support and Custody and Safety Plan. If nothing else, these will get you started thinking and planning so you are NOT screwed and so you can see you do have options.


----------



## StrongEnough

Crypsys said:


> StrongEnough, what are you going to do if he refuses to leave? I don't know about the laws in your state, but where I live unless there is domestic abuse a spouse does not have to leave. Have you thought of your direction then; if he refuses to leave?


He will already be gone this weekend. Yes, he will no doubt throw a huge fit if he comes home to find his stuff is sitting in the garage. As for now, I have been locked out of my bedroom and bathroom. My H has a domestic abuse background. Our state is a state in which a spouse cannot keep another spouse from coming into the martial residence. However, if he becomes violent, then he can be removed, which is not a process I want to do in front of the children. I worry that he will become angry if I use my backbne and finally stand up for myself. However, I worry much more what my life will be like if I continue on this same road I am on with him.


----------



## StrongEnough

Trying my best said:


> I grew up with an abusive older brother. I know what it's like to try to gauge the mood of someone when he's entering a room, trying to decide if the room is safe to stay in.
> 
> Please be careful.


Thank you. I appreciate the response.


----------



## StrongEnough

So he left for the weekend on the hunting excursion. We did not talk prior to him leaving. I have decided not to pack his stuff up, but am wondering how to best handle things when he returns on Sunday??

Should I just continue as things have been and wait for him to come to me to talk (idk if that will happen) or if I should try to talk to him?


----------



## turnera

Well, I practice Plan A, which basically means do no harm, and be as inviting as possible, so as to give the other person a reason to want to reciprocate.


----------



## StrongEnough

Thank you for the quick response. Where do I get this Plan A?


----------



## Susan2010

StrongEnough said:


> My H has a domestic abuse background.


And this silliness is just more of it.



StrongEnough said:


> Should I just continue as things have been and wait for him to come to me to talk (idk if that will happen) or if I should try to talk to him?


I wouldn't say anything at all. If he never does, then I never will either. 



StrongEnough said:


> I have decided not to pack his stuff up


Why have you decided this? Are you planning to remain in this marriage? Are you planning to do anything? I have not read every post in this thread, but it seems you are not getting the answers you seek. I guess maybe no one wants to tell you what to do, which is strange because normally people always want to tell others what to do. But, maybe no one has a cookie cutter answer for your situation. But your situation is one of abuse, and you have to get out of it. Change the locks. Put his stuff on the porch with a note asking him to leave. Don't answer any phone calls, text messages, or emails. If he becomes irate and tries to break down the door or break a window, call the police. I know you're scared, but you have to do something. I am assuming you have nowhere to go or surely you would have gone by now. If you have someplace to go - live with a family member or friend until you get on your feet - then go there instead of putting him out. Go before he returns.


----------



## turnera

I'm confused. Has he been physically abusive?


----------



## StrongEnough

Yes, he has been physically abusive in the past. Now it is verbal, increasingly worse.


----------



## turnera

Well, then, I would just leave. Or kick him out. No one deserves to be abused. For any reason. Send him packing.


----------

