# 40th birthday sucked.



## EarlyBird

I am new to this. Thanks in advance for listening. I kinda feel embarrassed discussing this with my mom and 1 close friend that I have.

Recently in my marriage, I have been feeling alone. I am so grateful for my kids. If I did not have them, I would be so sad and alone.

*Have you ever been in a room full of people and still feel alone? *I have that in my marriage. 

My 40th birthday sucked. It was about a month ago and I woke up trying to believe that my birthday was going to be a great day. All of my milestone birthdays before being married were great. However since being married I have lost the joy of having birthdays, and I think holidays are just for kids. You see my husband hates birthdays and Valentine's Day, so when he gets me a gift, I can tell that he is getting me a gift without any thought or effort.

My husband got me a GPS for my birthday. It was not wrapped, it was still in the Target shopping bag, it had the clearance price sticker still on it, and the birthday card my husband got was some generic card with no written personal message. He did not even have the kids make cards. It was just another day. I made dinner for everyone, I cleaned the house, and I gave the kids their baths at the end of the day. My husband even had the audacity to say to me after I was almost finished making dinner: "You should have told me to, I would have made dinner". After I gave him a look of disgust and told him that he was full of crap and I should not have to tell him to make me dinner, he promised that he would make me dinner tomorrow. That was almost a month ago and I am still waiting for that dinner. In the 5 years of being married, my husband has only made me dinner once.

When there are things that are needed to be discussed, he will tell me we will talk about it when he gets back from out or town (he travels on business about 1-2 weeks a month) but we never talk. After the kids go to bed, it is silent in the house because we have lost touch with one another. I have given up trying to reach out to him and it seems that this is not bothering him at all.

My husband is not the best person to talk to about things. For example, I came home this evening from a class that was permanently canceled. Everyone that takes the class was shocked at the lack of notice and how abruptly the class ended. When I came home to tell my husband, he said, "So. I should care because....? I like that you are coming home earlier." Ten minutes later when he saw that I was not happy, he said he was kidding. 

Another time, I was feeling really low about the fact that I had a bad case of road rage. I usually don't talk to him about things that happen in my day because I do not get a response that he is interested. This time I decided to take a chance. When I called him, I explained to him that I was really feeling bad about how I reacted to a situation. Before I could tell him what happened, he told me that he would have to call me back. I could hear in the background the radio playing. He is so into listening to talk radio that I felt he was listening to something and I was interrupting him. I thought I had made a mistake calling him and I should have done like I always do, which is to talk to my mom instead. When he called me back, I had already put the wall up and decided to keep it to myself.

I know this is trivial compared to some of the major problems that other couples are having. I am sorry if I am not being thankful, but this marriage thing is hard. A lot of times, I feel like my husband does not care. He is so self-centered and it is a shame that my 4 year old son asks me how my day was and what did I do and my husband does not. It is a shame that my kids who are 2 and 4 years old, show me that they care more about me in 1 month than my husband has shown me in all of our 5 years of marriage.

I just want to feel special, like he thinks about me during the day, and that he loves and appreciates me. I feel like divorce is inevitable, but I am just going through the motions right now for the sake of my kids. We have a roommate relationship and as long as my kids don't suspect anything is wrong, then everything is ok.

Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest. I just wanted to let go of some of these things I am feeling.


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## Calypso

That is how I felt for years I use to tell my H I was lonely but it fell on deaf ears. He is not one for any kind of holidays or birthdays either. But you need to set some time aside and tell your H what you feel. Make him listen you have to get through to him if you want your marriage to get better. It might take some time for him to get it through his head that your unhappy. My H ended up having an A last year. What a eye opener that was and now we are dealing with the after effects. I can say that he has done a complete turn around. We are working on repairing the damage the A has caused. Plus I can say we are closer now then ever before. I have told him how I felt before and how when he was there he wasn't really there. If you know what I mean. If you have to print out what you wrote and show him you want to fix your marriage before it's to far gone. I wish you luck.


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## EarlyBird

Thanks for sharing. I do think that if I tell my husband how I feel, it will go on deaf ears. My mother who has been married for 25+ years still have the same problems.


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## Calypso

Have you ask him how he thinks your marriage is going?


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## EarlyBird

Yes Calypso I have asked and he said he thinks everything is fine. His only request is that he wants more sex.


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## themrs

I'm sorry. I wish I could just reach through this computer screen and give you a hug because I know exactly how you feel. 

My husband of 5 years has done the same thing to me. I have a 3 year old and a 2 year old and at times it was only through them that I could get any affection. He'd tune me out and flip through channels when I was talking to him and he'd often stay up late watching tv in the living room even after I requested he come into the bedroom with me and hang out before I feel asleep. He'd say he was coming and not show up until after I was already sleeping.

I couldn't take it anymore. I had had enough and one day I blew up at him. He asked me what was wrong and I told him that he would go for days and not even touch me unless he wanted to have sex. If I was sitting on the couch he wouldn't come and put his arm around me or rub my feet. I told him he was cold and his emotional distance was akin to abuse. 

Needless to say he was shocked. He hadn't even realized that he did that and after we talked about it for a while he apologized and admitted that he didn't really know how to be affectionate or thoughtful. He said he thinks about me all day, but he just doesn't initiate affection and he couldn't really tell me why. 

He's been working on it, but it's still not to the level I think it should be. He has gotten kinder and softer in the way he talks to me. I hope you can talk to your husband and help him make some changes in this area as well.


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## themrs

EarlyBird said:


> Yes Calypso I have asked and he said he thinks everything is fine. His only request is that he wants more sex.


Don't they all? I'd like to know how you are supposed to feel sexual towards a person who shows you no care or affection? Some men just don't get it.


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## MEM2020

When I read these posts I always wonder - is the guy really and truly this much of a jerk. If he is I am sorry for you. The birthday story is very ugly. 

Was he always like this? Some guys - sadly - they think that bringing home a good paycheck - that is all they have to do. But if he was always like this - you may be upset you can't be surprised. 

If he changed - why is that? By the way - lots of guys have this sequence: Kids are born. Wife focuses on kids to exclusion of husband. Treats husband and sex is necessary evils. 

Everybody is different when this happens. Some men just check out. He seems like he is making a concerted effort to deprioritize you. The offer to cook and then not following through means he is at a scary level of indifference. 






EarlyBird said:


> I am new to this. Thanks in advance for listening. I kinda feel embarrassed discussing this with my mom and 1 close friend that I have.
> 
> Recently in my marriage, I have been feeling alone. I am so grateful for my kids. If I did not have them, I would be so sad and alone.
> 
> *Have you ever been in a room full of people and still feel alone? *I have that in my marriage.
> 
> My 40th birthday sucked. It was about a month ago and I woke up trying to believe that my birthday was going to be a great day. All of my milestone birthdays before being married were great. However since being married I have lost the joy of having birthdays, and I think holidays are just for kids. You see my husband hates birthdays and Valentine's Day, so when he gets me a gift, I can tell that he is getting me a gift without any thought or effort.
> 
> My husband got me a GPS for my birthday. It was not wrapped, it was still in the Target shopping bag, it had the clearance price sticker still on it, and the birthday card my husband got was some generic card with no written personal message. He did not even have the kids make cards. It was just another day. I made dinner for everyone, I cleaned the house, and I gave the kids their baths at the end of the day. My husband even had the audacity to say to me after I was almost finished making dinner: "You should have told me to, I would have made dinner". After I gave him a look of disgust and told him that he was full of crap and I should not have to tell him to make me dinner, he promised that he would make me dinner tomorrow. That was almost a month ago and I am still waiting for that dinner. In the 5 years of being married, my husband has only made me dinner once.
> 
> When there are things that are needed to be discussed, he will tell me we will talk about it when he gets back from out or town (he travels on business about 1-2 weeks a month) but we never talk. After the kids go to bed, it is silent in the house because we have lost touch with one another. I have given up trying to reach out to him and it seems that this is not bothering him at all.
> 
> My husband is not the best person to talk to about things. For example, I came home this evening from a class that was permanently canceled. Everyone that takes the class was shocked at the lack of notice and how abruptly the class ended. When I came home to tell my husband, he said, "So. I should care because....? I like that you are coming home earlier." Ten minutes later when he saw that I was not happy, he said he was kidding.
> 
> Another time, I was feeling really low about the fact that I had a bad case of road rage. I usually don't talk to him about things that happen in my day because I do not get a response that he is interested. This time I decided to take a chance. When I called him, I explained to him that I was really feeling bad about how I reacted to a situation. Before I could tell him what happened, he told me that he would have to call me back. I could hear in the background the radio playing. He is so into listening to talk radio that I felt he was listening to something and I was interrupting him. I thought I had made a mistake calling him and I should have done like I always do, which is to talk to my mom instead. When he called me back, I had already put the wall up and decided to keep it to myself.
> 
> I know this is trivial compared to some of the major problems that other couples are having. I am sorry if I am not being thankful, but this marriage thing is hard. A lot of times, I feel like my husband does not care. He is so self-centered and it is a shame that my 4 year old son asks me how my day was and what did I do and my husband does not. It is a shame that my kids who are 2 and 4 years old, show me that they care more about me in 1 month than my husband has shown me in all of our 5 years of marriage.
> 
> I just want to feel special, like he thinks about me during the day, and that he loves and appreciates me. I feel like divorce is inevitable, but I am just going through the motions right now for the sake of my kids. We have a roommate relationship and as long as my kids don't suspect anything is wrong, then everything is ok.
> 
> Thanks for letting me get this off of my chest. I just wanted to let go of some of these things I am feeling.


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## themrs

MEM11363 said:


> When I read these posts I always wonder - is the guy really and truly this much of a jerk. If he is I am sorry for you. The birthday story is very ugly.
> 
> Was he always like this? Some guys - sadly - they think that bringing home a good paycheck - that is all they have to do. But if he was always like this - you may be upset you can't be surprised.
> 
> If he changed - why is that? By the way - lots of guys have this sequence: Kids are born. Wife focuses on kids to exclusion of husband. Treats husband and sex is necessary evils.
> 
> Everybody is different when this happens. Some men just check out. He seems like he is making a concerted effort to deprioritize you. The offer to cook and then not following through means he is at a scary level of indifference.


It's a shame that men sometimes feel excluded by their wives once kids come. I know I tried to make my huband included - in taking care of the kids! LOL! They are a lot of work and it's a shame that at this moment when a woman needs the most understanding, it's when a man becomes most distant.


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## DawnD

Aha! My birthday was last week and I spent all day with the kids, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning up the house and making my own birthday cake lol. You are not the only one honey, trust me. My husband is the exact same way. Oh, well I would have made dinner. Okay, well then don't come home and sit around until 6pm, get up and make dinner ROFL.

The card and present thing, I don't let bother me. My husband is not a crafts person, so I know that he isn't going to have the kids make me anything. Instead, I take Mothers Day ( while I am making things for the grandma's) and I make my own thing with the kids for me and let them wrap it. Then they get to hide it and we bring it out for me. If I want something homemade with my kids handprints, by god I will make sure I get it!!

I would definately have a talk and let him know if he thinks you guys need to have more sex, then you need to feel special every day. You need him to let you know he is thinking of you and you need to feel close to him. Nothing I hate worse then my husband watching the history channel for 3 hours and then rolling over and asking for a BJ. How about hell no! Good luck to you honey!


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## themrs

DawnD said:


> Aha! My birthday was last week and I spent all day with the kids, doing laundry, cooking, cleaning up the house and making my own birthday cake lol. You are not the only one honey, trust me. My husband is the exact same way. Oh, well I would have made dinner. Okay, well then don't come home and sit around until 6pm, get up and make dinner ROFL.
> 
> The card and present thing, I don't let bother me. My husband is not a crafts person, so I know that he isn't going to have the kids make me anything. Instead, I take Mothers Day ( while I am making things for the grandma's) and I make my own thing with the kids for me and let them wrap it. Then they get to hide it and we bring it out for me. If I want something homemade with my kids handprints, by god I will make sure I get it!!
> 
> I would definately have a talk and let him know if he thinks you guys need to have more sex, then you need to feel special every day. You need him to let you know he is thinking of you and you need to feel close to him. *Nothing I hate worse then my husband watching the history channel for 3 hours and then rolling over and asking for a BJ.* How about hell no! Good luck to you honey!


OMG! Did we marry the same man? It's like they all read from the same how-to-be-an-inattentive-husband handbook.


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## Amplexor

EarlyBird said:


> I just want to feel special, like he thinks about me during the day, and that he loves and appreciates me. I feel like divorce is inevitable, but I am just going through the motions right now for the sake of my kids.


Many men just plain suck at the softer touches in a relationship but that doesn't mean they can't improve in them. 

Before you do anything regarding a divorce make sure you expend all resources in letting him know how you feel, what you need and expect. We can be pretty dense and if we aren't told something is wrong we carry on our happy way thinking things are OK. Some of us need things repeated.

I would suggest you both read The Five Languages of Love to determine what your languages are. It can be a terrific help in opening communication and empathy. Sex may be reflection of his language in physical touch. The lack of thought in his gifts may reflect that your language is gift giving. 

Continuing to live as room mates won't get you anywhere and the situation will likely deteriorate until there isn't much to save. Spouses can change and improve for the betterment of the marriage and themselves. My wife used the roommate scenario for a long time before she gave up trying to get through to me and the marriage nearly failed. It wasn't until I saw how close I was to losing her that I got it through my thick skull that we both needed to work on the marriage. 

Good luck


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## DawnD

themrs said:


> OMG! Did we marry the same man? It's like they all read from the same how-to-be-an-inattentive-husband handbook.


:lol:

Its quite possible! Maybe they are related ha ha ha


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## WhatToThink

I feel for you. I am not married, but I am engaged, and have been in a relationship for 5 years, and I have a daughter with my fiance (18 months old). So I do understand what it is like to not get everything you need out of a relationship.

My fiance was addicted to a video game for a long time and it got to the point that went to bed every night alone, and slept for hours before he finally came to bed. I got so lonely that I resorted to online chatting with a male who was interested in me to finally get his attention. 

I am telling you - TELL HIM. You need to lay it all out on the line. Start by telling him that you just want to "strengthen" your relationship (so he doesn't immediately feel attacked), and then suggest counseling. I am telling you, a counselor will gently coach you to both understand how each other are feeling. Trust me, compared to the expenses involved in divorce, the expenses of a couselor are not that bad (ours was $80/hr). And your kids would be crushed if you got a divorce, they will have to go through so much confusion and heartache. Try to make it last, put serious effort into it before giving up. 

Good luck... I hope you can make it work. But you know what they say, it does take two. So your husband is going to have to help.


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## EarlyBird

themrs said:


> He'd tune me out and flip through channels when I was talking to him and he'd often stay up late watching tv in the living room even after I requested he come into the bedroom with me and hang out before I feel asleep. He'd say he was coming and not show up until after I was already sleeping.


My husband too loves TV. I sometimes think that the TV is the other woman. However...

I must confess I am the one that goes to bed after he is sleeping. I work on the computer. I am trying to get a website up and the only time I can work on it is after the kids are asleep.


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## EarlyBird

themrs said:


> Don't they all? I'd like to know how you are supposed to feel sexual towards a person who shows you no care or affection? Some men just don't get it.


That is what we women think. Men on the other hand just don't get that foreplay is OUTSIDE OF THE BEDROOM.


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## EarlyBird

MEM11363 said:


> When I read these posts I always wonder - is the guy really and truly this much of a jerk. If he is I am sorry for you. The birthday story is very ugly.
> 
> Was he always like this? Some guys - sadly - they think that bringing home a good paycheck - that is all they have to do. But if he was always like this - you may be upset you can't be surprised.
> 
> If he changed - why is that? By the way - lots of guys have this sequence: Kids are born. Wife focuses on kids to exclusion of husband. Treats husband and sex is necessary evils.
> 
> Everybody is different when this happens. Some men just check out. He seems like he is making a concerted effort to deprioritize you. The offer to cook and then not following through means he is at a scary level of indifference.


Unfortunately, he has never been a person who likes to give gifts. He thinks the holidays (except for Christmas) is a big waste and it is just another way for stores to make more money.

When we were dating, I remember I told him I was going to get him a gift and he said not to get him one because he does not like Valentines Day. I got him one instead (I thought he would still get me one because we just started dating) and I was shocked that he did not get me one. Ever since then, he has gotten me gifts, but the presentation needed to be improved.

Question: When you say he is at a "scary level of indifference", what do you mean?

I think he had just checked out and just does not have a clue.


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## EarlyBird

DawnD said:


> The card and present thing, I don't let bother me. My husband is not a crafts person, so I know that he isn't going to have the kids make me anything. Instead, I take Mothers Day ( while I am making things for the grandma's) and I make my own thing with the kids for me and let them wrap it. Then they get to hide it and we bring it out for me. If I want something homemade with my kids handprints, by god I will make sure I get it!!


My husband too is not a crafts person, however he could have gotten cards for the kids to sign.


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## EarlyBird

themrs said:


> OMG! Did we marry the same man? It's like they all read from the same how-to-be-an-inattentive-husband handbook.


If this handbook is circulating around (especially around the new husbands), it needs to be burned pronto. LOL


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## EarlyBird

Amplexor said:


> Many men just plain suck at the softer touches in a relationship but that doesn't mean they can't improve in them.
> 
> Before you do anything regarding a divorce make sure you expend all resources in letting him know how you feel, what you need and expect. We can be pretty dense and if we aren't told something is wrong we carry on our happy way thinking things are OK. Some of us need things repeated.
> 
> I would suggest you both read The Five Languages of Love to determine what your languages are. It can be a terrific help in opening communication and empathy. Sex may be reflection of his language in physical touch. The lack of thought in his gifts may reflect that your language is gift giving.


I read The Five Languages about a year ago. I tried to get him to read it last year and to make a list of all the things he need to feel fulfilled in our marriage. But he got angry and said he was happy. I wanted this list because we were having problems then. I don't think my husband will read The 5 Languages with me.

I don't think my language is gift giving because he does not have to get me a gift. I just need to know that he loves and cares for me and I feel neither. For example, if I wanted roses but he could not afford to buy me roses and decided to make me some paper ones instead, I would be so appreciative because of the effort that he put into making them. I know he is not a crafts person, but he tried to show me that he cared by making roses. 

Speaking of roses, I have only gotten flowers from him twice: when we got engaged, and when I had my son.


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## themrs

EarlyBird said:


> My husband too loves TV. I sometimes think that the TV is the other woman. However...
> 
> I must confess I am the one that goes to bed after he is sleeping. I work on the computer. I am trying to get a website up and the only time I can work on it is after the kids are asleep.


I read that one way to create more intamacy in your marriage is to go to bed at the same time if you can. Last night my husband and I wound up in the bed at the same time and he held me for a long time while we watched tv together. It was very unexpected and wonderful.


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## EarlyBird

I gotta try that.


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## Sensitive

On my last birthday, I planned a trip to a waterpark hotel for the whole family. The highlight of my trip was walking through the empty corridors at 5:00am in the morning. The rest of the trip was more work than staying at home.

Now on holidays, I ask to have time off, kid-free, chore-free. My husband and I don't really exchange gifts. On Sweetest Day, I gave him a bag of sugar, he gave me chocolates I don't like.


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## SickOfItAll

I know this is an old thread, but this is exactly what I am going through. I gave my husband a break and didn't expect him to take me anywhere for my birthday. It's Saturday and tax-free weekend in Texas, so I decided to stay home so we wouldn't have to deal with all the traffic. Well, he gave me no card and no present, and then proceeded to take a nap on the couch. When I said that's all I wanted him to do is wash the dishes and then watch a movie with me and the kids, that's all I heard was excuses. He thinks he can get away with telling me I am beautiful and wonderful, even posting this on Facebook, then he does nothing for me. He used to treat me better than this, but we even had our twentieth anniversary the other day and that's all I got was a card and I made him take me out to dinner. I feel so unappreciated that once I finish my master's degree and get a job, I may actually leave him. He would never expect me to say that, but I am sick of meaning nothing to him.


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## dmb459

Oh, my, I think I married the same guy as well... though my DH used to be a lot of fun, good sense of humor, used to be a *great* dad to our kids, we truly were a very close couple, until about 8 years ago when he fell in love with the Internet and gave up being a husband or a father.

Birthdays... One year he gave me a spatula. Another year a CD that I would never in a million years listen to, and he knew it but didn't know what else to get.

Christmases... I can't tell you how many times on Christmas Eve he's said "I'm tired, going to bed now" and walked away leaving me to do EVERYTHING for the kids for Christmas. Yeah, lots of fun.

As for vacations, special events, celebrations, etc.... what are those? Seems he's never head of those before...

Ugh!!!!


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## Becoming [email protected]

themrs said:


> Don't they all? I'd like to know how you are supposed to feel sexual towards a person who shows you no care or affection? Some men just don't get it.


Amen!!


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## EleGirl

This thread is closed.


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