# worried about her past sexual relatioship



## Billybob17

newly married (about six weeks). She is 44 and Im 51. We are both educated, level headed, smart (at least she is!) in shape, very active, and in a great spot. Love to do everything together, cant stand to be apart. More bonded and connected than I have ever experienced. She says that as well. Of course she is my best friend and we are very much in love. She is petite, in shape and very very gorgeous. Love it!! Im tall and in shape and I think look ok as well. Im in the weight room daily and im in good shape. She is 5'2" and Im 6'5" we are both very very attracted to each other!!! Its fantastic!!! I say this because this background is important. Prior to meeting me she had a relationship for a few months that ended up with a breakup because of his communication, or lack of!! She was in love and very devasteated. She didn't want the break up, and tried to reconcile and it never worked. Im very grateful as she is now the love of my life in everyway. She says she is grateful that happened and while the pain is difficult she is grateful it happened so she could find me. Im having a hard time as I know she was in love with him and they obviously had a sexual relationship for a time. 1. I worry im not good enough for her in bed. We have an amazing sex life and she says its extremely fulfilling, but I get the feeling she really loved her sex life with him. 2. He is short and overweight....im not...I don't understand. 3. Im jealous that she shared this intimacy with him, I get it, at this age that is a given, but Im still jealous, its hard to get over. I want to be BETTER then him big time in everything. I want to be everything for her. I feel im failing. I cant stand the thought of someone else being intimate with her.....yes I know its in the past and I know its my problem but its affecting me . Im getting better with time for sure. Have any of you had similar feelings like this? Yes it is retrograde jealousy, yes its my problem and not hers. She didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to think about being perfect in bed, so that I can out perform him in her eyes, Im tired of worrying about that.....If you have had similar feelings of not wanting to be compared to a previous lover how did you get over that? I know time will help and I admit it is getting better, but I Am curious if anyone has had similar feelings. By the way our sex life is excellent. I know this is my problem not hers. But these feelings are hard and its inhibiting me. We all have baggage and a past. I want to be excellent for her, the best for her. Yes, I am competitive and that's part of my problem as well. I know this is not a major issue, but curious if others have struggled with this issue.


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## notmyjamie

I would say the fact that she married you and not him is your proof that you’re better than him. She envisions a life with you. And the fact that he looks different than you means nothing. She is obviously someone who values communication, connection, love over looks. Just another reason things are so good with the two of you. 

At your ages previous relationships are a given. As a woman I can tell you that a woman who is very happy with you (which she seems to be!!) is not pining away or thinking much about her old relationships except to think of how much happier she is now. 

If those thoughts don’t help you may need some counseling to help you get over it. Retroactive jealousy can kill a relationship. And what a shame that would be.


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## Andy1001

Retroactive jealously is just another way to spell bs. Other than inventing a time machine what exactly do you expect from your wife. 
Are you having buyers remorse about getting married and looking for any excuse to call it off? Because that’s what it seems like. You have a beautiful wife and your doing your utmost to push her away. 
Keep this behavior up and you’re going to be back in the single life again. 
Is that what you want?


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## Faithful Wife

Billybob - do you spend time thinking about your ex lovers and the sex you’ve had prior to your wife? Do you pull them up in your mind and still mentally fantasize about them or compare them to your wife?


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## Billybob17

great point....no I do not.....


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## notmyjamie

Billybob17 said:


> great point....no I do not.....


And I’d bet my next paycheck that she doesn’t either. You’re going to ruin your relationship worrying about old news.


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## Sfort

@Billybob17, you will hear from people who feel that retroactive jealousy is not real, but it is. People who have never experienced it cannot appreciate its impact and tend to minimize it. The bad part is, based on a situation I observed "up close and personal", it will probably get worse with age. There are not any credible sources for dealing with it, that I can find. There's an Internet marketer who tries to sell a $700 course that will help you overcome the problem, but he has some woo woo stuff in the videos that mature adults may have trouble digesting. 

There is a lot of good information here. There's a recent thread on RJ that has some good information in it. There are some good pointers, but they're very hard to do. The most important one is to NOT ask her any questions about her past sex life. Even if your imagination is worse than the truth, in the long term, you really don't want to know. Everything she tells you is likely to be an arrow to the heart. She'll eventually forget what she said, and you will remember every syllable. 

Keep posting here. We have some awesome ladies, including but not limited to @Faithful Wife, @Lila, and @JustTheWife, among others, who will give you the female perspective that is probably different from what you think it is. Warning: A number of people who post may understandably be burned out on the topic, but don't let that discourage you from getting some answers.


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## Marduk

When I find my mind wandering down dark hallways thinking about my wife's sexual past (happens to us all), I simply remind myself that I do not own my wife, don't own her past, and I'm in fact grateful to the guys she's had sex with before me - because she actually loves sex. 

If all those guys were awful in bed, she probably wouldn't love sex so much. And if she picked me after bedding those guys... that must say something about me, too. 

And then I just think of a new way to rock her world, and then go do that. Because that's what it's really about.


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## Yeswecan

Faithful Wife said:


> Billybob - do you spend time thinking about your ex lovers and the sex you’ve had prior to your wife? Do you pull them up in your mind and still mentally fantasize about them or compare them to your wife?


Darn fine question.


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## Yeswecan

Billybob17 said:


> great point....no I do not.....


Nether does your W. Before you go messing things up, simply focus on your relationship. Always keep dating your W just like you did before marriage. The rest of it is simply background noise.


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## Billybob17

excellent, very good info!! Very true!!


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## FeministInPink

@Billybob17 She wouldn't have married you if you didn't satisfy her sexually. Women who are very sexual recognize that it is a necessary component for them to be satisfied in a relationship, and they won't commit themselves to a lifetime relationship in which they aren't fully satisfied. Your wife strikes me as this type of person.

She CHOSE you. That means that you satisfy her. If you didn't, she would be coaching you on how to be a better lover. If she ever does this, I encourage you to be receptive. A couple needs to be able to talk about sex, and as you both grow older, your bodies will change and as a result, the sex will need to change, and you need to be able to talk about that.

However, I don't think you should talk to her about your retroactive jealousy. It is unfair to make your problem into her problem by telling her about it, which is manipulating her into having to build you up and telling you that you're the best she's ever had. That's not going to help you, and it's not going to solve your problem... because your inner voice (the jealousy) is going to wonder if she's telling the truth. It won't be the end of it.

Instead, if you can't get over this, I really think you should talk to a therapist to figure out why you're thinking this way and how you can manage these emotions. It's up to YOU to change your way of thinking and to fix this, so you can be a better husband and partner.


Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT

BillyBob,

A relevant question is are any of her former lovers still in her life, directly and indirectly, by indirectly I mean is she still friends with an ex-lovers sister or social circle etc.


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## Billybob17

no not at all. It was just one. no contact at all......


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## Spicy

Let me ask a few questions for my own clarification. 

How long did you date before you got married? 
Have either of you been married before? 
Any kids?
How many LTR have you each had?
Are you only jealous of the guy right before you, or of all her past partners?

No offense meant, but your post makes you sound young and very inexperienced. Yet, you say you are 51. Also, this that you said about your new wife struck me as odd for a 44 year old woman:



> Prior to meeting me she had *a relationship for a few months* that ended up with a breakup because of his communication, or lack of!! She was *in love and very devasteated.*


In love and very devastated after just a few months? Again, strikes me as immature. Please expound so we can better understand and help you.


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## Billybob17

both of us married before. She had the one relationship before she found me(after her marriage) and I had two after my marriage. Never ever been bonded like this we both feel this way. I just want to be her everything. I know most who have never experienced a retroactive jealousy probably cant understand. I definitely could not have...new territory for me. I know it sounds simple, and yes the past is the past, I guess it is simple....but it has not been simple for me. the posts have been helpful for sure and actually typing out the issue has been helpful. Puts this simple thing (which is in the past) into perspective. I hope time will also help....


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## notmyjamie

Billybob17 said:


> both of us married before. She had the one relationship before she found me(after her marriage) and I had two after my marriage. Never ever been bonded like this we both feel this way. I just want to be her everything. I know most who have never experienced a retroactive jealousy probably cant understand. I definitely could not have...new territory for me. I know it sounds simple, and yes the past is the past, I guess it is simple....but it has not been simple for me. the posts have been helpful for sure and actually typing out the issue has been helpful. Puts this simple thing (which is in the past) into perspective. I hope time will also help....


For a lot of women, the end of their first relationship after divorce is really difficult, even if it was not very fulfilling. It represented the hope that they wouldn't be alone forever. So to lose that is very hard. I wouldn't put much stock into how upset she was after the breakup. If she's telling you that she feels more bonded to you than anyone else, I'd say that means you are her everything. It sounds like you have been lucky to find each other. Keep reminding yourself of that. Keep spending time with her and continuing your bond. Keep having great sex, making her feel loved and desired. Don't burden her with your jealousy. She's yours now...enjoy it


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## sunsetmist

So things are so very good that you must worry. (And I think I may be jealous of y'all's relationship.) 

Things will go wrong, tough times will occur, but how you support and communicate with her is more important than any past sexual relationship. Remember women need intimacy and connection. Be your best person and that is all one can ask. You have been given good suggestions here. Life is not perfect, never will be.

How is your self-discipline? Make a list of pros and cons about having RJ. Do not show her. How does thinking about the negatives help? So stop. When you start thinking about her past, tell yourself to STOP--PICTURE A STOP SIGN IN YOUR HEAD. Would you want her worrying about your past? If you continue this anxiety, you may create performance problems. It is not really too good to be true.


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## Spicy

Billybob17 said:


> both of us married before. She had the one relationship before she found me(after her marriage) and I had two after my marriage. Never ever been bonded like this we both feel this way. I just want to be her everything. I know most who have never experienced a retroactive jealousy probably cant understand. I definitely could not have...new territory for me. I know it sounds simple, and yes the past is the past, I guess it is simple....but it has not been simple for me. the posts have been helpful for sure and actually typing out the issue has been helpful. Puts this simple thing (which is in the past) into perspective. I hope time will also help....


Nah, it’s not that difficult really. Sometimes I feel jealous of some of my H past partners, mostly out of the “unknown”. Just because it doesn’t make sense doesn’t mean we don’t feel those ways sometimes. Good that you posted to help you talk it through. Smart man.


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## Tilted 1

Billybob17 said:


> newly married (about six weeks). She is 44 and Im 51. We are both educated, level headed, smart (at least she is!) in shape, very active, and in a great spot. Love to do everything together, cant stand to be apart. More bonded and connected than I have ever experienced. She says that as well. Of course she is my best friend and we are very much in love. She is petite, in shape and very very gorgeous. Love it!! Im tall and in shape and I think look ok as well. Im in the weight room daily and im in good shape. She is 5'2" and Im 6'5" we are both very very attracted to each other!!! Its fantastic!!! I say this because this background is important. Prior to meeting me she had a relationship for a few months that ended up with a breakup because of his communication, or lack of!! She was in love and very devasteated. She didn't want the break up, and tried to reconcile and it never worked. Im very grateful as she is now the love of my life in everyway. She says she is grateful that happened and while the pain is difficult she is grateful it happened so she could find me. Im having a hard time as I know she was in love with him and they obviously had a sexual relationship for a time. 1. I worry im not good enough for her in bed. We have an amazing sex life and she says its extremely fulfilling, but I get the feeling she really loved her sex life with him. 2. He is short and overweight....im not...I don't understand. 3. Im jealous that she shared this intimacy with him, I get it, at this age that is a given, but Im still jealous, its hard to get over. I want to be BETTER then him big time in everything. I want to be everything for her. I feel im failing. I cant stand the thought of someone else being intimate with her.....yes I know its in the past and I know its my problem but its affecting me . Im getting better with time for sure. Have any of you had similar feelings like this? Yes it is retrograde jealousy, yes its my problem and not hers. She didn't do anything wrong. I don't want to think about being perfect in bed, so that I can out perform him in her eyes, Im tired of worrying about that.....If you have had similar feelings of not wanting to be compared to a previous lover how did you get over that? I know time will help and I admit it is getting better, but I Am curious if anyone has had similar feelings. By the way our sex life is excellent. I know this is my problem not hers. But these feelings are hard and its inhibiting me. We all have baggage and a past. I want to be excellent for her, the best for her. Yes, I am competitive and that's part of my problem as well. I know this is not a major issue, but curious if others have struggled with this issue.


BB, as I have read your post you have thought education is wisdom it is not. Why do you want another man validate your self-respect, and your honor. You must be the type of man that must be the king of the hill. Understand this you got the prize you beat the odds you won her heart. 

If not you let this gorilla in your house it will destroy what you have won, your woman chose you for a reason, but if you are thinking she chose you for something other, your relationship will fail is a givin. So what you must do is this enjoy the time together as she fulfills you, and you sound like you struggle with yourself as you measure yourself against the demon that quite frankly isn't there. 

If you want to end the relationship, you will succeed because your fighting yourself and he's winning. Stop and get a grip of joy and quit trying to put all of her wonderful qualities in the vault so no one can get to her. You can't own her she's giving herself to you as a gift and if you get your act together maybe she'll want to stay. But if you don't you know what will happen, because she can not hold up your shallowness because you keep getting in the way. 

Now l read the other advice you been given.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Retroactive jealousy is tied into OCD from some of the things I've read. And considering you seem to be obsessed about this, maybe you should see a professional?


Billybob17 said:


> We have an amazing sex life and she says its extremely fulfilling, but I get the feeling she really loved her sex life with him.


So what if she _*did*_? Is that against the rules? Isn't that normal when you're in love with someone to love your sex life with them as well? Or is she only allowed to 'love' her sex life with* you*?

I just want to say that it's really unfair that you act as though it would be the worst thing in the world if she actually DID love her sex life with the man she used to be in love with before she met you. It's _*that*_ kind of twisted thinking that's going to do the damage. Maybe it hasn't yet, but it will.

I've dealt with a man who had retroactive jealousy and he made my freakin' life hell.


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## Billybob17

Very insightful, very well said and correct. That was a very helpful post......wise and well said....


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## EleGirl

@Billybob17,

Do you tend to obsess over other things?

One of the issues that I see in your posts is that you seem to have some low self-esteem. I wonder if this is why you are obsessing over the RJ. What you have done is to bring the ghost of the guy into your relationship and turned it into a contest between your imagination of him and yourself. There are now 3 people in your bed and you put the other guy there.

As you said, this is your problem, not hers. You cannot just ignore it with the hope that it will go away. Get some counseling to help you figure out why you are putting yourself through this. What purpose does it serve you? Yes, your RJ is serving something for you. For example, it could be that things are so good that you are basically very concerned that this cannot be real. Nothing fixes fear better than destroying the relationship via RJ so you assure yourself that is was, after all, too good to be true.

In addition to counseling, I have found that self-help books can really help. Here are links to the books on the topic of RJ that I found on Amazon.com. There are more books about getting over jealousy as well. 

*Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide to Getting Over Your Partner's Past and Finding Peace*

*The Ultimate Retroactive Jealousy Cure: How To Stop Being Jealous Of Your Partner's Past In 12 Steps*

*Retroactive Jealousy: Finally, I'm Out*

*Retroactive Jealousy: A Guide To Transforming Your Pain Into Power (Getting Over Partners Past, Getting Rid Of Jealousy And Overcoming Boyfriend/Girlfriend's Past Relationships)*


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## EleGirl

Does she know about your RJ?


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## Billybob17

zero self esteem issues, never had that issue. Lots of confidence. Yes she does know and is very supportive but I don't bring it up and keep it to myself, its my issue not hers. Yes we do have a VERY solid relationship and bond, its amazing in fact, never knew it could be this good and its mutual. The comments on here have help significantly. Good info for sure. New territory, never had anything like this. its real and unless someone has experienced it, well.....so be tender, Im not weird, Im normal and this is real, but its better and I thank each of you for your wisdom and comments, they have honestly been very helpful. I feel I have a handle on this now and renewed energy to heal and move on!! Very appreciative!!


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