# Questions for those who have coped with infidelity and managed to stay committed



## mavr (Apr 15, 2013)

Good day, everyone! Actually, I'm not married, I'm a student taking up a class about vocations. So we have this final video project about a couple's (it can be a fictitious one) inspiring love for one another. My groupmates and I have drafted up a story, and in the story, the husband cheats on his wife with his ex-fiancee. It was an arranged marriage to save his family's business since the ex-fiancee is really rich. He was tempted to get close to her because of all their financial problems, and his relationship with his wife was starting to get "plain". The wife's friend catches them, so the wife finds out, but their teenage son runs away from home. They find their son together, but they're still not okay. The husband talks to the son, and the son sets-up his parents so his father could apologize. In the end, the wife gives him a second chance and the marriage is saved.

The details about how they managed to stay committed even after the husband's infidelity is something we want to be more... realistic, so I just want to ask those who have saved their marriage, how did you do it? Did you do things like maybe going on dates once a week to "stay lovers"? How did you still stay devoted to one another? How long did it take you to forgive the other? How about your children? What is their part in realizing that you really do love each other so you're still willing to save your marriage?

Thank you very much! Hoping someone would help us with our project!


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

mavr said:


> Good day, everyone! Actually, I'm not married, I'm a student taking up a class about vocations. So we have this final video project about a couple's (it can be a fictitious one) inspiring love for one another. My groupmates and I have drafted up a story, and in the story, the husband cheats on his wife with his ex-fiancee. It was an arranged marriage to save his family's business since the ex-fiancee is really rich. He was tempted to get close to her because of all their financial problems, and his relationship with his wife was starting to get "plain". The wife's friend catches them, so the wife finds out, but their teenage son runs away from home. They find their son together, but they're still not okay. The husband talks to the son, and the son sets-up his parents so his father could apologize. In the end, the wife gives him a second chance and the marriage is saved.
> 
> The details about how they managed to stay committed even after the husband's infidelity is something we want to be more... realistic, so I just want to ask those who have saved their marriage, how did you do it? Did you do things like maybe going on dates once a week to "stay lovers"? How did you still stay devoted to one another? How long did it take you to forgive the other? How about your children? What is their part in realizing that you really do love each other so you're still willing to save your marriage?
> 
> Thank you very much! Hoping someone would help us with our project!



Unless your project is a multi-part Epic series, there is no possible way you could include the process of reconciliation after infidelity.

But I applaud your efforts.

Having said that - the process is going to be different for every couple. Common elements are: brutal and FULL honesty about the infidelity. Total transparency in order to rebuild trust. And yes, forgiveness (from both sides). It is hard work and can take years to accomplish. And a marriage can NEVER go back to what it was - the only hope is to rebuild a new relationship off the scraps of the old one. 

Good luck.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Unless the BS is willing to end the marriage, it rarely survives infidelity. The vast majority of WS's need a huge wake up call of some kind, which almost always involves the BS taking charge and demanding certain things - an ultimatum if you will. The WS must also come COMPLETELY clean about everything, and completely transparent in everything going forward. And I'd bet that MC almost always plays an important role too. Both partners have to wake up and realize that a happy marriage is a work in progress.

And you are never done coping with it, at least as a BS. There is always the before and the after, usually referring to D day.


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

if you wish read both the newbie link and the my story links in my signature


----------



## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

but don't rip me off or I'll sue


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mavr said:


> How did you still stay devoted to one another? How long did it take you to forgive the other?


I don't think the devotion ever comes back. It is never the same. One can remain married to the betrayer but there is always a distance. There are always suspicions and triggers just under the surface waiting to erupt. Even if you don't think about the suspicions for months something unexpected triggers it.

How long to forgive? The word 'forgive' has several different meanings. I don't think the betrayed ever gets to the point of thinking what the other did was ok and is forgotten. For me, forgiveness means no longer holding a grudge, no longer punishing. It takes years.

You might want to read the book "After the Affair". People also recommend another book, the title of which escapes me now but maybe someone will post it. You'll see that it is not a matter of going on dates and holding hands. It is a matter of years and years of hard emotional work for both people.

To be honest with you, I think most people who reconcile do so as a compromise. Now this is based only on what I've seen, so maybe there are bazillions of contrary cases which we don't see here or know about in our circle of real life friends. You describe a long term marriage and then an ongoing affair (not a single drunken encounter). In those situations there are a lot of complications. Real world stuff. Severe financial entanglements. Possible loss of a business. Loss of retirement (meaning having to work instead of enjoying retirement). Fears about finding a new partner if they divorced the cheater.

So the betrayed spouse decides it is less bad to stay. The cheater makes enough changes to make the marriage tolerable. The downsides to a divorce seem worse than the downsides of staying. I think this is a pretty common scenario for middle aged or older couples.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

mavr said:


> so I just want to ask those who have saved their marriage, how did you do it? Did you do things like maybe going on dates once a week to "stay lovers"? How did you still stay devoted to one another? How long did it take you to forgive the other? How about your children? What is their part in realizing that you really do love each other so you're still willing to save your marriage?
> 
> Thank you very much! Hoping someone would help us with our project!


It's really not so much about how a "married couple" does it. It's about the cheating spouse "demonstrating" remorse to the betrayed spouse, after receiving appropriate consequences (exposure, transparency, new boundaries, etc.). The CS's actions will define whether the remorse is genuine, and if so, the BS can then decide whether R is something they want to attempt.

At least that's the way it should work, IMHO.


----------



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

To make a long story short..

For me it was the thought that I had planned my whole life around my H. I was completely devoted. When he cheated the first time, I felt like my world had ripped from under me. But for the most part I had what felt like an instinctive drive to save whatever could be salvaged. 
I didn't want the other woman to even have a shot at him ever again. So I played the super hero, and decided staying would mean he would see how much I loved him, and how devoted I was, and maybe in turn he would do the same for me. 

But it never turned out the way I thought it would. We're still together, but it's an ongoing battle of wills.


----------



## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

mavr said:


> Good day, everyone! Actually, I'm not married, I'm a student taking up a class about vocations. So we have this final video project about a couple's (it can be a fictitious one) inspiring love for one another. My groupmates and I have drafted up a story, and in the story, the husband cheats on his wife with his ex-fiancee. It was an arranged marriage to save his family's business since the ex-fiancee is really rich. He was tempted to get close to her because of all their financial problems, and his relationship with his wife was starting to get "plain". The wife's friend catches them, so the wife finds out, but their teenage son runs away from home. They find their son together, but they're still not okay. The husband talks to the son, and the son sets-up his parents so his father could apologize. In the end, the wife gives him a second chance and the marriage is saved.
> 
> The details about how they managed to stay committed even after the husband's infidelity is something we want to be more... realistic, so I just want to ask those who have saved their marriage, how did you do it? Did you do things like maybe going on dates once a week to "stay lovers"? How did you still stay devoted to one another? How long did it take you to forgive the other? How about your children? What is their part in realizing that you really do love each other so you're still willing to save your marriage?
> 
> Thank you very much! Hoping someone would help us with our project!


Because your story can't go on forever, your best bet would be to end it on a realistic note. Movies and stories always tie up marriage reconciliation after infidelity in such a neat and tidy way. It just isn't like that. 

Make it clear that it is hard. Always hard. Doubt will always live under the roof with them, small or big, it will always be there. And most importantly...the Betrayed spouse NEVER forgets and doesn't ever really truly forgive. We learn to LIVE with our partners past actions. We love them in spite of their actions. And for some of us...that love makes it possible to stay. But, we hurt everyday, if even for 5 minutes. The thought of our spouse having sex with someone else will haunt us until we die. 

Our endings don't get the neat and tidy bow's at the end of them...


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

Sorry, there will be no Deus ex machina to wrap up the end of your video. Even if you don't go into Friday the 13th part 97 and Jason stays dead, so far for me, there isn't an end. But it's still early yet in my R. Vets may have a different view.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

As others have mentioned, it’d have to be an epic mini-series..... The emotions are complex as hell. Adultery does not make for a good ‘love inspired’ story at all; More of a true tragedy of ignorance, selfishness, and betrayal. Focus on just one character almost entirely. Pick either the betrayed or the wayward and document their world falling apart; skip the kid, the ex-fiancé, and money as those are really just ‘background fluff’. With your single main character: Major life changes, as well as ideals and perceptions of the world around them change and question what love is and means. The kid can’t “trick them” into falling in love again... if you keep that, it needs to fail. Do you think you could 'trick' your Mom or a friend into loving someone? Basically, you can't pick for other people whom they love, hate, or even like. So don't go there...

The script won’t be “cute” if you want it real. It will uncomfortable and painful to watch as every single person watching it can relate and see a bit of themselves in it. Watch Chaos theory (one I liked) or the Butterfly Effect to see how changes can domino into possibilities of alternate futures. If you want ‘cute’ love, Mr. Popper’s Penguins where the ex-wife sort of just ‘comes back’ because the kids want it and he learned a lesson.. Disney sells a good fantasy.:banghead:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As a writer, I am sorry to say the storyline stinks! really, seriously, it stinks. Totally unrealistic. You need to work on it. Get rid of that rich man, arranged marriage, blah, blah blah.


----------



## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

An ambitious undertaking, indeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mavr (Apr 15, 2013)

Oh and I live in a place where... everyone is really conservative and our professor is a Catholic priest, so it can't end with D.  Unfortunately for us we won't have enough time to change everything 'cause the deadline was moved.  But thank you to everyone who replied! We'll really try to make it work.

But if anyone still wants to share their thoughts, please do so.  Thank you very much!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm a firm believer in the Inquisition and with that said,the consequences my wayward wife face seems to be quite cleansing for her.

I'm wired different then most but what I have learned is spare the rod, spoil the wife!

Keep in mind after years of hitting my wife and her sleeping around...we some how have been able to meet each others needs.

Now put that in your study group!!!

Also I would like to add....that my approach to recommiting has nothing to do with my old marriage with the same person. It has everything to do with commiting to a diferent person in a new marriage with someone you have been with for 23 years.


----------



## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Mavr
> The details about how they managed to stay committed even after the husband's infidelity is something we want to be more... realistic,


You stay together because you have strong connections such a children, emotional connections that are hard to break, faith can play a roll and even finances can be a factor for some. There is not a lot of romance involved and the process does not produce the happily-ever-after life you see in the movies. You lose something with betrayal so you are left with building up other areas. Marriages can be saved but their potential has been reduced.

You will have to spice that up so that it produces a lot of drama to get to your “inspiring love for one another” in your project. Reality is a lot different than TV and movies in this area. If you are looking for your vocation to be a writer then you will have to alter reality a bit in order to sell your writings.

There is some very intense “Inspiring love for one another” for the first year or two but *for the long haul, the long term marriage, it is pretty much commitment, improving in other areas, and compromises.*

For those that are successful in overcoming the fracturing of the family you can get some inspiration if you consider sacrifice, committment, and self improvement as inspirational. Those actions help produce a satisfactory marriage. Howver that will not sell as many books as the passionate, can't live without you, I will die for you, firey love that fiction books have.

Well Mavr, the above should challenge your writing skills!


----------

