# Looking for some feedback



## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

My XW and I are currently in the process of going through a relatively amicable (perhaps agreeable?) divorce, but I wanted to get some feedback on a couple of things that have been rolling around in my head. Before I went back to our old marriage counselor, I thought I’d give this forum a shot. 

Please forgive the lengthy backstory, but I think it’ll help to put some of my questions into context. It spans about a decade, so I’ll try to summarize as best I can. 

The early backstory:
- I’m 34, she’s 33. We have a 7yo DD
- We dated on/off throughout college (basically since she was 17)
- For me, she was the one serious relationship I’ve had since high school
- At the end of college she decided I was her best option and we decided to get serious
- I went away to grad school for two years, but returned every weekend to see her
- After nonchalantly clicking on an e-mail and finding her diary in a drawer while retrieving a shirt I’d been sent for, I learned that she’d been cheating on me with multiple guys (advertising herself as an escort on Craigslist, no less)
- I confronted her, she cried and apologized, saying that she just wanted to take advantage of her youth while she could, but she’d understand if I didn’t want to stay
- My fear of not being able to find anyone else (of being alone, in fact), kept me in the relationship. 
- After finishing graduate school, we moved in together, got married a few years later, and bought a house
- We enjoyed a lackluster marriage, most problems seemingly starting from my irritability about an imbalance in the sharing of the household chores, her general lack of support for my work, activities, or friends, and the lack of sex in the relationship (about once a month)
- She decided she wanted to have a baby. Nature took its course
- Midway through the pregnancy, I jokingly called her “Hippo”. At the time she’d been calling me fatty, fatso, fatt-ass, so in the context I thought it was fair play as a comeback…I understand now that it was WAY across the line. Even back then I immediately recognized the mistake and apologized (I’ve been apologizing every time it comes up). Yes, it was an ******* thing to say. XW also says it was the moment she realized she didn’t want to be married anymore.
- DD is born. XW immediately starts having an affair with an old coworker of ours (from when we first met back in high school). 
- XW doesn’t adjust well to life with a newborn. I assume that her going out and hanging out with this old friend on weekends (crashing some…eventually most…evenings at his place) was her way of getting out to recharge. I trusted her…and I was an idiot. She’d handle things in the morning while I went to work, then I’d take over in the evenings and weekends while she relaxed. I was working on post-graduate work anyway, so I didn’t mind staying home.
- XW gets plastic surgery (implants and lipo)
- Eventually I got suspicious (after 2.5 years) and snooped. I hacked her laptop and iPhone backups, gaining access to all their texts and photos from the previous two years. I didn’t need to see/read what I found, but I couldn’t ignore it.
- I confronted XW, who reacted with a “Yeah, so. We’ve basically been living separate lives anyway.”
- We start working on a divorce, but realize that things aren’t so bad once the stress is removed…we decide to try again
- We start marriage counseling, where she tells me that she doesn’t think she was ever all that attracted to me. I hit all the other things she was looking for, except for that. She thought she could live without that in her relationship, but she’s not sure anymore. 
- Marriage counselor tells me that I have to realize that I married a narcissist and will have to make one of two choices: end the marriage or accept living in an open relationship.
- The dance of the relationship declining, starting the divorce process, finding things aren’t so bad, and deciding to try again continues two more times over a couple years


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

Within the past 6 months:
- XW goes under for plastic surgery again, this time for lip filler and another round of lipo
- The relationship seems to be improving, but we haven’t had sex in two years, but I’m hopeful
- We start hunting for a larger house, prior to our three week cruise to Europe, almost closing on one, but deciding to wait until we get back home
- The first two weeks of the cruise go okay, but in the last week she first turns cold, then mean
- In those first two weeks she wanted to hang out at night, but I’d head back with DD and she’d stay out with her cruise friends
- In the last week she just wanted to be on her own, still staying out until everything closed down
- We come home and continue house hunting, although things are still on their downward trajectory
- Shortly after coming home, she goes out on a familiarization trip (FAM)…she’s a travel agent on the side of her normal work. She mostly does it for the perks, but books her family’s trips to stay good with her agency
- She starts going out for dinner/drinks with friends from her group class at her gym, usually coming home after DD has gone to bed, but not horribly late
- Then she goes on another FAM over a weekend
- She goes out more and more often, increasingly going out later. It eventually becomes her going out most weekday nights and weekends
- I get suspicious and snoop a bit. I find a new pair of lingerie still in the plastic and a booking confirmation for a flight to Vegas, scheduled for the weekend of my birthday. To be fair we haven’t celebrated my birthday in years. 
- That night she tells me about the Vegas trip (saying she’d like to go, although she knows that I won’t like it too much), telling me that she doesn’t plan on staying out too late, gambling, or drinking too much. She cages it as not booked yet. 
- XW basically stops speaking to me except about DD or the house and is generally hostile. I finally tell her that I think it’s time to end things. She says, “Good. I can’t get you out of the house fast enough.”
- XW goes out to a baseball game with some friends on a Monday night and doesn’t come home until late
- I leave for a business trip for the week
- On DD’s first day of public school, XW walks her home from the bus stop, introduces her to the new babysitter, and immediately leaves for the night. I contact the baby sitter to FaceTime with DD at dinner and before bedtime…no word from XW. 
- That night a neighbor texts me, saying that he sees XW on TV. She has front row seats behind home plate with an older overweight man (and believe it or not, slightly receding hairline). He sends a picture of the TV and I confirm it’s her. They both leave about the time she would need to in order to get home at the time that matches up with our cameras.
- Everything is out in the open at this point, although I’m blocked on Facebook. The neighbors and few family members I’ve told have been helping me track what does while we’re still married, just in case I need it later on
- Since then this guy has taken her to a concert and a theater show. Apparently some travel is also being planned. 
- She is also openly dating now
- The divorce is moving ahead slowly; I plan on moving out as soon as the parenting agreement is in place. I’ll stay as close as possible (about 3 minutes away) so that I can see DD as often as possible, although it’s a challenge given my work schedule.
- My work has approved two days WAH, allowing me more time with DD. In the past XW has insisted on the standard “every other weekend, a few hours Wednesday”, but has since relaxed, saying she doesn’t care and just wants this done quickly.
- XW just learned that the child custody/support laws changed in our state over the past two years, limiting how far she can move and more equitably distributing child care costs, especially when you’re close to a 60/40 split in parenting time
- XW learned that with the schedule she agreed to, she wasn’t eligible for the larger CS payment, but fell into the more equitable bracket (i.e. she went from $800/month to $200/month). She broached it as “the attorney said that we could just agree on an amount, so…what do you think would be fair”. She didn’t know I’d already calculated what she was owed. 
- Initially I was going to give her extra money anyway (on the side, not in the agreement), since she was claiming hardship…but after looking at our budget I realized she’ll be doing as well as, if not better than me, post-divorce!
- I’ve sent her the budget and explained that I won’t be giving her extra money.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

SO… here is what I’m hoping to get feedback on. 

- I never found out why my parents divorced until I was an adult. Even then, it was my mom who told my XW, who then told me. Everyone just thought I knew. One thing I’m working on for DD is a scrapbook, where every year I’m adding photos and a letter written on her birthday (mostly about what happened in the year, thoughts and hopes, etc.). Naturally the divorce will get mentioned briefly, but I wanted to give her something more. Specifically, writing down my side of things and what I understand/believe about how her mom thinks (similar to above, but getting a bit more into the weeds on the emotions/thoughts, generalizing some of the more scandalous stuff like the escort/sugar daddy aspects), seal it in an envelope and stick it in the back. I’ll give it to her when she turns 18, so hopefully she’ll be hold enough to understand…and that way she’ll have the option to open it if she wants. I’d like her to know what happened without the haze of a decade passing. *Is it a bad idea to write the letter?*

- My father has been cautioning me about trying to think too far ahead and trying to anticipate her moves…it’ll drive me nuts. I know that XW wants to eventually move DD closer to the city, but into a better school district. She’s told me she’ll probably only do this if she gets into a serious relationship where she plans to remarry, so it’ll mean a lifestyle change for her (i.e. no longer going out with rich old men, staying out all night, traveling all the time w/o DD). As mean as she is to me, she’s incredibly protective of DD (sometimes too protective…gymnastics is FAR too dangerous), so I don’t think she’d put DD at risk with her husband. I know that in a few years DD will likely want to spend more time with her school friends anyway, so my thought would be to allow the move (unless it’s within the allowable distance, at which point I have little choice), but move closer if necessary to allow the parenting time to be sustained. It’s that or try to insist on keeping DD in an inferior school district (ours isn’t bad, but definitely not great) and persuading my boss to letting me work from home more or moving my seat to a satellite office a few days each week (it’ll be a hard sell and might take some arm twisting). *Should I just focus on the short term (e.g. next six months) and deal with whatever happens next when it comes up?*

- I’ve dealt with my fear of being alone and of inadequacy over the years, but it doesn’t change the fact that I’ve allowed myself to become alienated from a lot of my old friends. I’ve been focusing on reconnecting and certainly found many coming back to support me, but I definitely don’t have anyone I’d consider a best friend anymore (just some better than others). *Is this just part of getting older, or just an indication of having relied too much on your spouse to fill that role?* 

- I’m perfectly happy dissecting the relationship to learn what I can of what went wrong, who thought what and why, etc. At some point I need to move forward and leave it alone*. Any thoughts on how long I should wait before jumping back into the dating game again?* It’s been nearly a decade and even back then my dating game wasn’t that strong…relationships just kinda developed organically (I never had to ask people out or “date”…it was mostly friends that developed into something more). I know that I walked away from at least two very promising relationships in order to go back to XW.

- *Any advice for online dating?* It used to be a little taboo, but now it seems to be the norm and the best chance to break outside my current circles and find someone with a similar background (i.e. divorced w kids). 

Your thoughts and feedback are appreciated!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Definitely write the letter. I would kill to know more about my parents but it's too late now. And this part of DD's live is a pivotal moment. She needs to understand it. My parents divorced when I was 12 and I spent the next 40 years thinking my dad just walked away; turns out he tried to come back and my mom wouldn't have him! She had all the power, and I never knew it! It would have changed my whole life if I'd learned that at 18.

Are you in therapy for your low self esteem? You should be. It's really good for that. Also read these books to learn your power: No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.s. 

Definitely get back in touch with your old friends. And make new ones. Take courses. Join clubs. Volunteer. Surround yourself with friends; it helps with your self esteem. 

But also learn to enjoy being alone. This is the most powerful thing you can do. Go camping alone. Sail a boat. Ride bikes. Do a marathon. Study Buddhism. Learn to like being alone. 

And you shouldn't date again for at least a year. 'They' say don't date for one month for every year you were married. Your brain has a lot of things to deal with and that takes a lot of time and experiences. You also have to deal with the damage of being married to a narcissist. Don't do that to some poor woman who will just be a rebound for your neediness. Again, learn to love being alone. Men have it better, you can date pretty much most of your life, you're in no hurry.

Oh, and make sure your divorce decree states that your XW must have your approval before she moves your DD out of your school district.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like you are handling it well. All I can tell you is to work on yourself. Make you the best you can be. That means hitting gym 5x a week and eating/drinking 99% spot on. This really helped me after my divorce, gave me my confidence back. Fitting in 31" jeans and having broad shoulders, thick arms, and a big chest in a slim fitting shirt is a great feeling. You'll be ahead of 90% of the other slobs out there. 

Sure, write the letter. But keep it hidden with your personal things so she and no one else can read it until ready.

I get you on being alone. That's an issue I'm dealing in my current life. But you can do it. You will not be alone forever, just remind yourself that. There are way too many single people out there looking for a serious relationship with love and companionship. 

I jumped into a serious relationship within two months of being divorced. I have mixed feelings. I wish I dated the field more, dating multiple women at the same time, but I also had a great time the last 16 months. But I found out who she really was just recently and now dealing with that (drugs/booze/depression). If the relationship ends, I won't settle down for a while. Life can be crazy sometimes, which makes it interesting and not boring! 

I still think the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Doesn't mean you move in with them right away. Just have fun and don't start spending the night with each other for at least a year. Easier said than done, trust me.

Get on POF (plenty of fish) and see what kind of reaction you get. It's a popular and free dating website, so no risk. 

Good luck. Just think of all the fun you are about to experience. You'll be having the best sex of your life, every night, very soon. Hopefully you find a good girl that loves you and doesn't live a lie behind your back.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> Are you in therapy for your low self esteem? You should be. It's really good for that. Also read these books to learn your power: No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold On To Your N.U.T.s.


Four years ago when I learned of that first affair my world fell apart and I eventually found my way over to the NMMNG forum. After spending some time there and with a counselor, I was able to work through a lot of it (although I benefited more from the forum and self-work). I'm planning on working through Tony Robbins' PP2 series, if only to help with a little introspection and direction...and to fill in some of those quiet hours when it's just me. 



turnera said:


> Definitely get back in touch with your old friends. And make new ones. Take courses. Join clubs. Volunteer. Surround yourself with friends; it helps with your self esteem.


The challenge for me is to say "yes" when it comes to plans with people. For so long I've felt like I've needed to stay home and take care of DD...or just stay home so I don't make any mistakes. 



turnera said:


> But also learn to enjoy being alone. This is the most powerful thing you can do. Go camping alone. Sail a boat. Ride bikes. Do a marathon. Study Buddhism. Learn to like being alone.


When I think first started thinking about it, I've been doing things alone for a LONG time. Most of my activities are solitary. If anything I'm looking forward to going out and interacting with people again. Even now when XW goes out, I tend to stay home w DD...it'll be good to meet more new people. 



turnera said:


> Oh, and make sure your divorce decree states that your XW must have your approval before she moves your DD out of your school district.


Excellent point. In our state they allocate significant decision-making roles based on four categories, one of which is education. I just need to make sure that I get at least a joint role in that case.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Wow. I just read your post and it made me very sad for a couple of reasons. First off because of all that has happened to you and secondly and much more importantly because YOU allowed so much of it. You may have gone to NMMNG forum but apparently you didn't absorb or understand any of it. She cheated on you before you got married, then she cheated on you after you got married, you aren't having sex yet you imagine things are getting better? Man you need to grow a pair and fast. Why would you give her money on the side? There are so many things wrong with the way you are thinking I can't even list them all. I am not trying to harsh or mean, I am just trying to be truthful. If someone you knew was going thru what you are going thru would you advise them to act like you are? I truly hope you are able to man-up and get out with your dignity (not to mention your balls) intact.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would suggest you ignore Guy's advice and STAY AWAY from the dating sites for a good while! You dont sound anywhere near ready to date, and those damn sites can be traumatizing. Give yourself a good six months to a year before you try to date. Getting out and getting active is a good idea though for sure, it sounds like you need to get socialized again. 

Go ahead and write the letter. 

As far as your ex moving your daughter... honestly I would suggest you try to get full custody of her from the onset. Your ex is more concerned with her love life than your daughter's best interest. Make sure as Turnera suggested you get it decreed that she cannot be moved without your consent, should you end up sharing custody.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Seems like a one sided open marriage relationship. 

She cannot be fixed. So work on yourself. Accept her crap or man up and move on. 

DNA the kid and get STD tested. That child might be yours, probably not.


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## GoingCrazyNow (Jun 28, 2017)

Wow man, I am very sorry for your DD. Like stated, if your WW called you fatty, then get to the gym 6x a week. I've been going 6x for 3 months and have gained incredible strength and fitness. I had to buy all new clothes and my self confidence has improved even more. The endorphins alone from excercisng make you feel awesome.

Good luck with an amicable D. I wish mine were, but I hate my WW guts right about now.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Write the letter but do NOT put it in your child's book. Put it away somewhere safe.

You don't want to do what your ex will be doing- I have zero doubt she will badmouth you. Your child will question this with you and you can talk through age appropriately as it happens. But please don't badmouth her mother. Never ever stoop- she will thank you for that as an adult. Leave out the worst parts verbally. 
Put it all in the letter. 
One day she will ask to hear the full story and then you can give it to her.

Massive massive hugs to you.

Your ExW is a horrid selfish person and deserves nothing. Do not be generous, she hasn't been to you.

Let her have the bare minimum she is entitled to. Fight for more custody- it sounds like she doesn't give a **** about the kid anyway 

Parenting agreement- renew every year, include address and living situation. 
Definitely just deal with the next 6 months. You still need to grieve this relationship. 

On friends, I think it is a bit of both. Since having my DD I only really see a few people. I haven't had a best friend in over 5 years... well I do but she lives in Europe.

Your ExW is dating so it's reasonable for you too also. However, I would take some time to ensure you are as much over the marriage as possible. 

Be honest. You don't have to put "going through a divorce with a selfish *****" on your profile but if you talk to someone a few times, mention it. 
I hate online dating. People are so fake.
Having said that I met my husband on Craigslist 

❤ 

ETA: ok this is horrid but at some point it may be necessary to contemplate DNA testing your daughter. Personally I would wait until she is older (you have raised her and are her dad regardless) and able to understand why you "just need to know". Wait until she's 18/21 of you wish and knows he story so you can find out together.

Doing it now or in the next two years may make it seem, to her, like you don't want her.

I've been in your daughter's shoes (except it was bio dad that was he fwit and I was a baby) and been through pretty much every "separated family" scenario you can think of. 
I am also a stepmother to two, dealing with anExW who is similar to yours minus the cheating (as far as I know). And I have my own daughter.

X

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

First of all, don't put the letter in the book. I have read that anything in writing can be used against you during the divorce.... maybe wait till that is done before writing a letter which explains what happened. 

I hear what you are saying about being afraid you will not find someone else, I often feel the same way, but really can't a single life be better than this? Truly you have to get to that point. Why stay with someone who clearly does not respect you?

Reading your post, I would say she's less of a narcissist and more just a woman with very low self esteem. Plastic surgery, sexual encounters etc... she's struggling with her own issues for sure and if she hates herself, then you can imagine what she thinks of the guy who is married to her. But that's not your issue and you can't fix her, all you can do is fix yourself. We all deserve to be loved, really loved, and this doesn't sound like much of an existence. 

I know it's really hard when you're inside it all. I left 6 months ago, and had no idea how I'd feel about it. I haven't missed him as a partner for a day. I've missed my life, my house, my kids, my dog, I've missed the comfort of not having to think about dating etc.... so many things but not the "relationship".


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> I would suggest you ignore Guy's advice and STAY AWAY from the dating sites for a good while! You dont sound anywhere near ready to date, and those damn sites can be traumatizing. Give yourself a good six months to a year before you try to date. Getting out and getting active is a good idea though for sure, it sounds like you need to get socialized again.
> 
> Go ahead and write the letter.
> 
> As far as your ex moving your daughter... honestly I would suggest you try to get full custody of her from the onset. Your ex is more concerned with her love life than your daughter's best interest. Make sure as Turnera suggested you get it decreed that she cannot be moved without your consent, should you end up sharing custody.


The laws changed in our state recently that limits how far a parent with majority time can move - 25 miles - before they have to get consent or court approval. I spoke with my attorney about locking her down and was told she could try, but wasn't sure if the courts would agree to the restriction, given the current laws already in effect. 

The one thing that she did suggest, however, was that even XW moves she still has to modify the parenting agreement, at which point we could modify the transportation agreement. If she wants to move, fine, but she's doing at least half the driving, if not all, assuming I've held up my end of the existing parenting agreement. She cautioned me, though, saying that she was divorced and had this arrangement and I shouldn't be too quick to give up that 1:1 time with DD. As hers got older that time in the car was when they had their best conversations.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

GoingCrazyNow said:


> Wow man, I am very sorry for your DD. Like stated, if your WW called you fatty, then get to the gym 6x a week. I've been going 6x for 3 months and have gained incredible strength and fitness. I had to buy all new clothes and my self confidence has improved even more. The endorphins alone from excercisng make you feel awesome.
> 
> Good luck with an amicable D. I wish mine were, but I hate my WW guts right about now.


At the time I wasn't (nor am I now) overweight. No I wasn't ripped with rippling abs and toned arms, but (like so many others) I carry the extra weight around the middle. 

It's also what she calls her dad. 

In all of this my main goal will be to clean up my diet. I already work out 5-6 days a week, run, box. I look younger than my age, but don't get the benefits of the work because I lack self-control in the kitchen and XW is a sugar junkie. In the past couple of months since things went downhill and I started looking forward to a different future I've dropped 10 lbs and lost an inch in the waist.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

Keenwa said:


> First of all, don't put the letter in the book. I have read that anything in writing can be used against you during the divorce.... maybe wait till that is done before writing a letter which explains what happened. .


I'll definitely wait until after. In speaking with a friend late last night, she suggested that it might even be worthwhile to write it and hold it, deciding whether to include it down the line. Eventually DD will see her mother for what she is - she's too much like me - and she might just come asking. Ultimately it might just be cathartic to write it all out and seal it away. 



Keenwa said:


> I hear what you are saying about being afraid you will not find someone else, I often feel the same way, but really can't a single life be better than this? Truly you have to get to that point. Why stay with someone who clearly does not respect you?


I used to think that way - being afraid to be alone - but not anymore. The worse thing than having an empty bed is sharing one with someone disinterested (or worse, disloyal). The biggest thing I resent is that she wants to keep my dog! I've talked her into allowing him to go where DD goes, but it still sucks. I fought for a few days about it, but my commute is WAY too long on the days I don't work from home (1.5-2 hrs each way). Not fair to him. 



Keenwa said:


> Reading your post, I would say she's less of a narcissist and more just a woman with very low self esteem. Plastic surgery, sexual encounters etc... she's struggling with her own issues for sure and if she hates herself, then you can imagine what she thinks of the guy who is married to her. But that's not your issue and you can't fix her, all you can do is fix yourself. We all deserve to be loved, really loved, and this doesn't sound like much of an existence.


Oh, trust me, narcissist she is. She hung a portrait of herself (while she was in a local photographer doing her yearbook pictures blew up a photo and made it look painted...not a common thing two decades ago! He used it as a sample for a while, then gave it to her parents, who gave it to us). She also hung boudoir shots of herself in the bathroom. Anything she does, goes on FB. She does things for the admiration and jealousy of others. When someone has something good happen (or just happen), she's the first to cut them down. And for the record, the boudoir pics she picked were the more artistic/tasteful of the series...but doesn't change the fact of what they were. 



Keenwa said:


> I know it's really hard when you're inside it all. I left 6 months ago, and had no idea how I'd feel about it. I haven't missed him as a partner for a day. I've missed my life, my house, my kids, my dog, I've missed the comfort of not having to think about dating etc.... so many things but not the "relationship".


Right now I'm mostly worried about picking up her portion of the load - shopping. She has a knack for finding deals (although I'm starting to think it has to do w the frequency of visiting the stores and one particular website. At the moment dating is a distant second. Maybe in time, though.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

LaReine said:


> You don't want to do what your ex will be doing- I have zero doubt she will badmouth you. Your child will question this with you and you can talk through age appropriately as it happens. But please don't badmouth her mother. Never ever stoop- she will thank you for that as an adult. Leave out the worst parts verbally.
> Put it all in the letter.
> One day she will ask to hear the full story and then you can give it to her.


Despite all that's happened I've never badmouthed XW. Well, the worst I've said in response to "Where is mommy?" has been an angry version "I think she's hanging out with her friends again." Lately it's DD who'll say "I guess mommy is out with her friends again? When is she coming home?" DD is old enough to remember now, so this will all last. She's also noticed that XW has been more angry than usual. XW had better hope the courts never decide DD is mature enough to have an opinion about where she stays most of the time. 



LaReine said:


> Your ExW is a horrid selfish person and deserves nothing. Do not be generous, she hasn't been to you.
> 
> Let her have the bare minimum she is entitled to. Fight for more custody- it sounds like she doesn't give a **** about the kid anyway .


I only considered it when she thought she was going to be paycheck to paycheck if she kept the house. Even then it only would have been a couple $100. Then I ran the numbers. **** the greedy *****.



LaReine said:


> Parenting agreement- renew every year, include address and living situation.


Oddly enough she has been pushing this, although I suspect it's more to modify the child support amount based on my pay increases. 



LaReine said:


> Your ExW is dating so it's reasonable for you too also. However, I would take some time to ensure you are as much over the marriage as possible.
> 
> Be honest. You don't have to put "going through a divorce with a selfish *****" on your profile but if you talk to someone a few times, mention it.
> I hate online dating. People are so fake.
> Having said that I met my husband on Craigslist


Right now I've hopped on a couple sites just to see who is looking in the area. It's funny - it seems like the older people get the more exasperated they seem in their profiles. And I think someone looking for "loyalty" is code for what's happened in their past.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Op you seem full of excuses and deal making. She is a POS and you should stop making allowances for anything and everything she does.


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

Ynot said:


> Op you seem full of excuses and deal making. She is a POS and you should stop making allowances for anything and everything she does.


I've been done trying to excuse or justify her behavior some a while now. Attempt to understand it perhaps, if only to explain it to DD when the time comes and to gain closure. 

The deal making and concessions are part of getting out of this process what is important to me - as much custody of DD as I can right now. 

I'm not 'allowing' her do anything, anymore than I have the power to control her actions or behavior. She started living the life of a single woman (well, one version thereof...I hope they're all not like this!!) and I told her it was time to end things. She's moving on faster than me is all, for better or worse, but we haven't been a couple in a very long time.


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Maverick1998 said:


> Despite all that's happened I've never badmouthed XW. Well, the worst I've said in response to "Where is mommy?" has been an angry version "I think she's hanging out with her friends again." Lately it's DD who'll say "I guess mommy is out with her friends again? When is she coming home?" DD is old enough to remember now, so this will all last. She's also noticed that XW has been more angry than usual. XW had better hope the courts never decide DD is mature enough to have an opinion about where she stays most of the time.
> 
> 
> I only considered it when she thought she was going to be paycheck to paycheck if she kept the house. Even then it only would have been a couple $100. Then I ran the numbers. **** the greedy *****.
> ...




Sounds like you are doing all the right things.

Parenting agreement and child support are separate. You can agree in a PA to collect privately but that also needs to be done with CSA.

My husband and his ExW never renewed their PA and she throws clauses at him that should be obsolete, given they were written over 8 years ago


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## Maverick1998 (Jan 21, 2014)

LaReine said:


> Sounds like you are doing all the right things.
> 
> Parenting agreement and child support are separate. You can agree in a PA to collect privately but that also needs to be done with CSA.
> 
> ...


Hopefully I’m taking the right steps here. Sometimes I feel like I might be thinking she’s more Machiavellian than in actuality…other times I don’t know what she’s thinking. 

I’m a few steps closer to getting this over with (although I suppose it won’t really end for another 11 years!). Signed a lease yesterday and moving out in two weeks…XW keeps telling me how she can’t have me out fast enough. I think we also managed to hammer out the last few details of the PA (including her bitter consent to me shifting back drop-off on Tuesdays during the summer to the afternoon). 

The one thing that came out of this that concerned me was her response to me asking about the little lumps of money we have scattered around (e.g. $500 in a PayPal account, a modest amount of inheritance money, a handful of deposits on future cruises). Alone they’re not much, but they end up amounting to $3-4k. I think she gets angry because she sees me walking away with a sizeable lump of money while she’s stuck in debt…but as I point out I’m also only walking away with it and what I take with me. Anyway…she said I was being petty and that it only encouraged her (when I asked, “It encourages you to do….what…?” she just smiled). She tells me she considers just buying me out of the cruise (presumably the one paid in full) so that she can take my name off and bring someone else, which won’t be hard to find. 

So…her thought would be two months after divorce take our 7yo DD on a two-week sailing with some random dude?


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## LaReine (Aug 14, 2017)

Maverick1998 said:


> Hopefully I’m taking the right steps here. Sometimes I feel like I might be thinking she’s more Machiavellian than in actuality…other times I don’t know what she’s thinking.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Go to mediation and say you want a clause in PA regarding partners and holidays. Child must have known them for 6 months plus before going on holiday with them etc.

Please please make sure your PA is legally notarised sos he can be held to it!


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