# Winning her back!



## asandefur25

This is my first post, my wife kicked me out of the house at the end of January. We have both done many things to one another throughout our 5 year relationship. In the beginning I was very in again off again with her, while she gave me her complete devotion and tried so very hard to keep me interested. Well it worked. Throughout most of our marriage we have had to live with family. My family tends to be a bit overprotective and very mean to significant others. I allowed my family to verbally and emotionally abuse her for a very long time. I didn't know how to handle the situation, should I take my families side or that of my wife. Needless to say I know the answer now. After I let this go on for so long she became somewhat distant and a few months later I was told she had cheated numerous times. I forgave her but never truly forgot. More affairs happened and I even had a few brief encounters, though never sexual, with other women. When we finally started getting better I was the one to continue making mistakes. I was distrustful of her, and constantly nagging her whenever she was gone without me. I objectified her and made it seem like all I wanted was sex. I got so bad that the intimate moments we did have were ruined by my addiction for more sex. And when I was not satisfied I would accuse her of things and be hateful. After her enduring this for so long I understand what made her drift away again. She apologized for her actions but I never did until today. 

So after being apart for less than 2 months she has a new boyfriend. From what I have gathered just in talking it seems like she only has him around to make her comfortable and to make me jealous. 

Today when bringing our children back to her, I was able to have a brief conversation. The past week I have been blowing up her phone for no apparent reason pouring out the same mindless crap over and over. I wanted her to see me face to face. I wanted her to see that I meant business and that I would be the husband she always knew I would be. She was rather dismissive but at the same time I saw in her eyes that she cares still, no matter how many times she says she doesn't live me anymore I can see different.

I need to know how I can prove my love to her without being there with her. I want her to see I am the man she fell in love with again. I have done so many things tobher that I know I probably don't deserve a second chance, but everything in me says to keep fighting. I just know that the way I have been going about it is more problematic than helpful. I'm nagging and not giving her the space she needs. I just don't know how much space is enough, how do I know what to say and how to say it without going overboard.

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## straightshooter

Sorry my friend.

You are doing what is referred not to is the "pick me dance". It rarely ends well.

Your wife is having sex with another man and you are begging her to come back to you. 

I'll leave it at that but my guess is others will follow and tell you the same things in probably more eloquent words than me.


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## 225985

How many kids and what are their ages? I feel sorry for them. 

OP, why did you have to live with your family and why, as a man, did you allow them to abuse your wife?


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## Marc878

[So after being apart for less than 2 months she has a new boyfriend. From what I have gathered just in talking it seems like she only has him around to make her comfortable and to make me jealous. ]

First of all you are in denial. She has moved on. 

Blowing up here phone will get you nowhere. Words are cheap. Actions are what speak. 

From you're post you need to learn from this and move on like she has.

I doubt you can fix this now but you definitely need to work on yourself.


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## *Deidre*

Are you sure you two love each other? Sounds like your actions on both of your parts paint a different picture.


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## GusPolinski

Why?


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## ThreeStrikes

You lost me at your avatar pic.


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## asandefur25

blueinbr said:


> How many kids and what are their ages? I feel sorry for them.
> 
> OP, why did you have to live with your family and why, as a man, did you allow them to abuse your wife?


My children are 3 and 4, my older son is not biologically mine and I haven't had the finances to adopt him. So it's been made clear to me he will be used to her advantage should I not do things how she wants them. 

We had to live with family because of financial issues. Was more cost effective to split bilks than take in the whole thing alone. For almost all that time she was a stay at home mom while I worked full time. 

And I have no good answer to why I let that happen. On one hand I didn't want to upset my family, and on the other I was mad about things that had happened throughout our relationship.

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## Bananapeel

Let me get this straight...you have a 5 year relationship with her and a 4 year old son that isn't biologically yours? So she had another man's child while being with you? Why do you want to be with her again?


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## asandefur25

*Deidre* said:


> Are you sure you two love each other? Sounds like your actions on both of your parts paint a different picture.


I'm very sure that I love her, and I still see love in her eyes sometimes when I see her. I admit my mistakes are inexcusable, but I am trying to learn from the and want to be a better father and husband from what I've learned. 

To add to the whole picture. We got married almost exactly a year after meeting, when she was pregnant with my youngest child. I didn't do the super romantic proposal that I should've, and she has always believed the only reason I married her and want to stay with her is because of the children and knowing my past of growing up in a single parent home.

This couldn't be further from the truth. I love my wife with every bit of me. But I've never been the best at showing that and have certainly not let my actions speak for it either. 

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## asandefur25

ThreeStrikes said:


> You lost me at your avatar pic.


What does my avatar have to do with anything?

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## Bananapeel

From what you described I sure wouldn't want to compete for her, but to answer your original question. If you really want her you need to be the type of man she would want to be with. For example you could try to be successful, mature, independent, responsible, caring, financially stable, attractive/in-shape, etc. However, my guess is if you can improve yourself and be all of those things you'll have better opportunities to pick from than her.


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## asandefur25

Bananapeel said:


> Let me get this straight...you have a 5 year relationship with her and a 4 year old son that isn't biologically yours? So she had another man's child while being with you? Why do you want to be with her again?


She was assaulted at a party before I met her. She was 6 months along when we started seeing each other. I have been in his life since the day he was born and claimed him as mine just as long. His biological father was never charged because of lack of evidence and has no part in his life

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## Bananapeel

asandefur25 said:


> My children are 3 and 4, my older son is not biologically mine





asandefur25 said:


> She was assaulted at a party before I met her. She was 6 months along when we started seeing each other.





asandefur25 said:


> We have both done many things to one another throughout our 5 year relationship.


Sorry for my ignorance but the timing doesn't match. Either way, the answer you are looking for is to be a better version of you. Do the 180 and if she shows interest in getting back with you, then go find a good marriage counselor.


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## ThreeStrikes

asandefur25 said:


> What does my avatar have to do with anything?
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


Well, you had a shirtless selfie-pic as your avatar. On a marriage forum.

Anyways....

Neither of you seems capable of maintaining an emotionally mature relationship. My advice to you is to live alone and work on your issues with a competent IC.

Forget about "winning" anyone back. There's no such thing.


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## *Deidre*

asandefur25 said:


> My children are 3 and 4, my older son is not biologically mine and I haven't had the finances to adopt him. So it's been made clear to me he will be used to her advantage should I not do things how she wants them.
> 
> We had to live with family because of financial issues. Was more cost effective to split bilks than take in the whole thing alone. For almost all that time she was a stay at home mom while I worked full time.
> 
> And I have no good answer to why I let that happen. On one hand I didn't want to upset my family, and on the other I was mad about things that had happened throughout our relationship.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


I see, okay. 

There's just SO much drama.  

So, do you believe in God at all? Do you and/or your wife have any type of spiritual beliefs, or faith?


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## asandefur25

Bananapeel said:


> Sorry for my ignorance but the timing doesn't match. Either way, the answer you are looking for is to be a better version of you. Do the 180 and if she shows interest in getting back with you, then go find a good marriage counselor.


My son will be 5 in just a few weeks we got together in February of 2011. If that helps. I just want to be able to say I took every avenue possible to try and make good on my promise of marriage. 

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## asandefur25

*Deidre* said:


> I see, okay.
> 
> There's just SO much drama.
> 
> So, do you believe in God at all? Do you and/or your wife have any type of spiritual beliefs, or faith?


We were both raised in church, and believe and try to instill God within our children, but sometimes stray from the right path, and we do not attend church on a regular basis. She expressed much interest in finding a church, we never really had much luck finding a church that we felt truly welcome. Our intent just within the last year was to find a church, and once we had been attending for awhile and got to know the people try to attend group studies and have weekly meetings with the Pastor to help out issues

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## asandefur25

ThreeStrikes said:


> Well, you had a shirtless selfie-pic as your avatar. On a marriage forum.
> 
> Anyways....
> 
> Neither of you seems capable of maintaining an emotionally mature relationship. My advice to you is to live alone and work on your issues with a competent IC.
> 
> Forget about "winning" anyone back. There's no such thing.


That picture was automatically uploaded when I signed in using my Google account. I'm sure many would appreciate stones not being thrown. Everyone here is trying to help and seek help. 

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## *Deidre*

asandefur25 said:


> We were both raised in church, and believe and try to instill God within our children, but sometimes stray from the right path, and we do not attend church on a regular basis. She expressed much interest in finding a church, we never really had much luck finding a church that we felt truly welcome. Our intent just within the last year was to find a church, and once we had been attending for awhile and got to know the people try to attend group studies and have weekly meetings with the Pastor to help out issues
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


I'm a Christian now, but there was a time I 'strayed.' I left and became an atheist. God can do amazing things, and since you believe...maybe take this time to get close to Him again? I'm not preaching, lol I'm just saying, when you don't know where to turn in your own strength, let His strength lead you. Even if things don't work out with her, you seem all over the place right now, and this may be what you need to gain comfort and peace again.


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## asandefur25

*Deidre* said:


> I'm a Christian now, but there was a time I 'strayed.' I left and became an atheist. God can do amazing things, and since you believe...maybe take this time to get close to Him again? I'm not preaching, lol I'm just saying, when you don't know where to turn in your own strength, let His strength lead you. Even if things don't work out with her, you seem all over the place right now, and this may be what you need to gain comfort and peace again.


Thank you. This has been an experience that has been leading me to much prayer, asking of advice of many believers, and also for their prayers. 

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## *Deidre*

asandefur25 said:


> Thank you. This has been an experience that has been leading me to much prayer, asking of advice of many believers, and also for their prayers.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


God's got this. But, trust where He leads you. He may be leading you back to your marriage or not. Not everything we want, is what we need.


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## Blossom Leigh

Those kids need a peaceful, loving stable home life. If you focus there, your wife will notice.

Have you studied the faces of abuse or sought books on how not to abuse or be abused?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html

I recommend the book You Don't Have To Take It Anymore. Its a book about turning a mutually abusive relationship into a mutually compassionate, loving and emotionally fulfilling relationship.


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## asandefur25

Blossom Leigh said:


> Those kids need a peaceful, loving stable home life. If you focus there, your wife will notice.
> 
> Have you studied the faces of abuse or sought books on how not to abuse or be abused?
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html
> 
> I recommend the book You Don't Have To Take It Anymore. Its a book about turning a mutually abusive relationship into a mutually compassionate, loving and emotionally fulfilling relationship.


I will look into those. And yes my focus has been my children through this whole thing. We have gotten along pretty well and have been splitting the responsibility of raising and looking after them. We have attended doctor visits together and other things. As far as that we have done very well with the exception of the using my older son against me in arguments and to get her way but it hasn't happened very many times

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## Blossom Leigh

asandefur25 said:


> I will look into those. And yes my focus has been my children through this whole thing. We have gotten along pretty well and have been splitting the responsibility of raising and looking after them. We have attended doctor visits together and other things. As far as that we have done very well with the exception of the using my older son against me in arguments and to get her way but it hasn't happened very many times
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


She needs to quit that.

I have a lot of books listed in my signature link as well.


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## 3Xnocharm

Sorry, but this sounds like a TERRIBLE relationship that you really should just let go of. Do the work on yourself so that in the future, you can be a better partner to someone.


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## asandefur25

3Xnocharm said:


> Sorry, but this sounds like a TERRIBLE relationship that you really should just let go of. Do the work on yourself so that in the future, you can be a better partner to someone.


I have decided to step away. Though I do need to change things about myself I am willing to do those things. At this point if we were together it wouldn't be different because she refuses to see her own fault in what has happened between us. Unless a major mindset change were to happen I don't see us together again.

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## Lostinthought61

Congratulation someone woke up and smelled the coffee....she is a blame shifting serial cheater.....move on with your life.


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## asandefur25

Xenote said:


> Congratulation someone woke up and smelled the coffee....she is a blame shifting serial cheater.....move on with your life.


She is. And I am not going to say I am not in love with her because I am. But I have come to realize that to love soneone and make them happy then you have to love yourself and know that they will make you happy. Until that is possible than this is what is best for me and my relationship with my children. They don't need to see me miserable and they don't need to see their mother as the reason for that 

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## anchorwatch

When we know beter, we do better. You've taken a big step forward, A. It's time for you to improve yourself and your life. 

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## asandefur25

anchorwatch said:


> When we know beter, we do better. You've taken a big step forward, A. It's time for you to improve yourself and you life.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G920P using Tapatalk


Thank you. I feel pain because I miss her but at the same time liberated. I gave her every chance to stay and did everything I could to save our marriage. I can say I tried and I did all I could. 

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## asandefur25

Update. To make matters worse in this situation I just found out she is pregnant. She said she is confident it isn't mine but I don't know, so I get to spend the next 7-8 months wondering and not being able to divorce her

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## anchorwatch

asandefur25 said:


> Update. To make matters worse in this situation I just found out she is pregnant. She said she is confident it isn't mine but I don't know, so I get to spend the next 7-8 months wondering and not being able to divorce her
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


Meh, that's just more of a mess this woman got herself in. 

Document! Document! Document! If you haven't, see a lawyer asap. Mens Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum 

It's also more evidence you should stop trying to win her back and start winning for yourself. 

What's the plan? Exercise? Education? Better employment?


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## asandefur25

anchorwatch said:


> Meh, that's just more of a mess this woman got herself in.
> 
> Document! Document! Document! If you haven't, see a lawyer asap. Mens Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum
> 
> It's also more evidence you should stop trying to win her back and start winning for yourself.
> 
> What's the plan? Exercise? Education? Better employment?


I'm not worried about her. As far as myself I have a job I love but could use some exercise. Would love to start teaching Karate again like before I met her.

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## GuyInColorado

I'd demand a paternity test. Just by blood, they can tell if you're the dad after week 10.


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## anchorwatch

asandefur25 said:


> I'm not worried about her. As far as myself I have a job I love but could use some exercise. Would love to start teaching Karate again like before I met her.
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


Good! Get back to your gym/dojo. Get back to doing those things that made you happy and whole before. One step at a time. Then start including new things into your life too. You'll feel better and be better as you improve from where you were. 

Best


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## Marc878

asandefur25 said:


> Update. To make matters worse in this situation I just found out she is pregnant. She said she is confident it isn't mine but I don't know, so I get to spend the next 7-8 months wondering and not being able to divorce her
> 
> Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-G530A using Tapatalk


Well now you know the OM wasn't there just to make you jealous.

Separation is always for a reason.


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