# The suggestion has been made



## trapped (Dec 19, 2008)

Hello,

I'm not sure yet what I wish to say, but I am a new member of this board as of today. I have read through many posts and replies and I am simultaneously sad and happy that I have things in common with many others here.

I guess I'm just trying to connect with some people and see if I can find someone other than my wife and current social community (both of them) with whom to start this type of conversation. 

The only thing I know for sure right now is after more than 13 years of marriage, my wife and I are not in love with each other anymore. In fact, I doubt we even make each other happy and we are more like room mates than anything else. 

Like others here, there are numerous things which contribute ranging in breadth from not having any time with each other, parenting styles, financial issues, children with special needs, lifestyle choices (or lack thereof), priority conflicts, health issues and more.

Discussion of our marriage frequently leads to frustration and argument, and my wife has more than once (most recently today) opened up the option for consideration of divorce. So here I am.

I feel I am stuck at a crossroad. No matter which direction I go, I realize there will need to be a lot of time and work to invest and for the moment, I am stuck on the simplistic option of choosing between which form of work will have the best result -- the work of trying to repair the damage or the work of letting go and moving on.

I guess now it's time to see what comes back.

Thanks for letting me speak up.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

sorry your feeling how you do .. do you want to repair are you ready to give up ..these are questions you need to ask yourself. were has the excitment gone from your marriage ? can you still comunicate ? every relationship has good and bad times you need to talk to your wife openly and id say 13 years have gotta to be worth fighting to save


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay, understand this. no matter which way you guys decide to go, work is involved. i believe the more fulfilling work would be to work on the differences in yourselves and making the marriage better. you can identify the things that you need work on and then do it. the result will be a much stronger and moe fulfilling marriage.

i don't wanna soapbox on you, but there are recent studies that indicate a greater happiness among those who slug it out and keep there marriage together than among those who quit the marriage.

find common ground, find the differences, and just start talking. good luck.


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## trapped (Dec 19, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> sorry your feeling how you do .. do you want to repair are you ready to give up ..these are questions you need to ask yourself. were has the excitment gone from your marriage ? can you still comunicate ? every relationship has good and bad times you need to talk to your wife openly and id say 13 years have gotta to be worth fighting to save


Where has the excitement gone? Good question. It's gone into trying to fulfill dreams that have failed, raising children (one with special needs), working to make ends meet, doing what needs to be done to just try and survive. I don't think the circumstances are different than people who have been successfully happy, I think it truly is just the people involved.

The encouragement of saving the 13 years is the struggle. the truth is it's been a struggle from the beginning -- to the point where I've been wondering for years if it was the correct decision. I've always managed to convince myself it's just a matter of learning to work and live and love together. But it's at a head now and its consuming not just my free time, but also my professional time. There will be consequences one way or the other.


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## trapped (Dec 19, 2008)

voivod said:


> okay, understand this. no matter which way you guys decide to go, work is involved. i believe the more fulfilling work would be to work on the differences in yourselves and making the marriage better. you can identify the things that you need work on and then do it. the result will be a much stronger and moe fulfilling marriage.
> 
> i don't wanna soapbox on you, but there are recent studies that indicate a greater happiness among those who slug it out and keep there marriage together than among those who quit the marriage.
> 
> find common ground, find the differences, and just start talking. good luck.


I am optimistic you are correct. We've talked before and it always breaks down. We need help, but with all the commitments of the day, its impossible to find time -- so far.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

trapped said:


> I am optimistic you are correct. We've talked before and it always breaks down. We need help, but with all the commitments of the day, its impossible to find time -- so far.


schedule the time. make it an appointment. it's that important.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You haven’t given us much on what the key core problems are here. We all face monetary, health, sexual and child rearing issues in a marriage. Since you have stated you feel like you have worked on the marriage for many years, does that include professional counseling?


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