# Help advice please!!



## hurtagaingirl (Jan 5, 2011)

Ok I first need to say I was married 15 years to my high school sweetheart and found out he had an affair with my best friend. I was devistated and left. They destroyed everything we had worked for and hurt my children and myself.

After a year I start seeing other men. I end up dating and then living with my boyfriend for a year. I try to be everything my exhusband said I was not. My boyfriend professes how great I but then on Christmas I pick up his phone by accident (we have the same phone) and go to text my son and see my name??? so I look. He is talking to a girl from another state with the same name????

Not just talking but asking for pictures (naked ones) and telling her how she is on his mind more than she should be and how her smile is the most important thing to him. On and on it goes. It gets really descriptive. I say nothing and began making my plans. (I believe trust is the MOST improtant thing in a relationship) I am waitting to say anything because I live in his house with my children and don't want a situation of no where to go.

I started researching and found this site. Been reading for two days. Today all heck breaks loose. I catch him in a lie and can not hold it in. He swears everything is on the up and up that I miss understood. that she is just an old friend and he does miss her. I call him on it quoting him saying all he wanted from santa was her under his tree. Still he professes innocence. throws his phone and will "never talk to her again".

then it becomes my fault because I have become distant this month and he needed someone to talk to. ( I have cancer and chemo is kicking my behind) I pick up his phone and start reading all these text outloud and saying what i saw in the pictures. he got really silent. I ask how he would feel if I started talking to an old guy friend and said the exact same things. he said he would been hurt and very angery.

Then the last text was about me so I threw the phone on the bed told the kids to get their shoes and left. He started texting me before I got out of the drive.... 

Now he is sorry and never wanted to hurt me but doesn't know what to say..... the thing is he knew going in how big a thing trust was to me and now he is busted and got caught lying.... I am hurting and at a friends. How can I move on? Can a man ever be trusted? I don't want to be that bitter woman who trust noone? I know the issues in my marriage was two sided because i had given up but this guy I did everything I could and it wasn't enought.

by the way he is almost ten years my junior and I have an extremely high sex drive which he claimed also to have but later found out it was more a get the girl thing. He thinks a girl being willing is a big ego boost so he was definatly a player before...


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## Jabasag (Jan 5, 2011)

I think if you really feel strongly about this guy you might give him another go. It's always stressful when a partner is going through cancer and it makes men do crazy things. 
Tell him what you need: you need for him to earn back the trust. That means he needs to let you ask all the questions you need and you need him to be incredibly open with you about his phone and his computer. You need him to not talk to that woman anymore. You should warn him that to begin with you might seem a little controlling, but that's because the trust was ruptured. It comes back again, but not without hard conversations and trying times for both of you. I'd also hold off on the sex for a little while, until things have been repaired a bit. You also need to forgive him—and your ex— if you want to move forward, not for him, but for you. It will liberate you from having to devote so much energy to being angry and afraid. it will make you fell stronger. It feels like forgiving is weak, but it's actually an incredibly strong and strengthening thing to do.


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## hurtagaingirl (Jan 5, 2011)

Ok so this has been the longest hardest days. I agree because I do love him we are working on things. I have taken the advice from other post and put them in action. All contact has stoped. He is being totally transparent but i think all my questions are hard for him. He says he doesn't want to hurt me but feels I deserve the truth. I don't think I can move on without knowing everything but he is right it is very hard to hear. I want this to work but I am scard.
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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

Maybe he felt pity for you because you had this illness. Or does he still love you the way you do? Your experience is very painful. I felt you. Hope things will go well for you and your kids.


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## hurtagaingirl (Jan 5, 2011)

I asked about the pity and he swears no. I actually left. And it was him texting me all night begging for a chance to explain and fix this. He says he loves me and he felt unwanted and was looking for an ego boost. That it never would have went further than the texting back and forth. Tonight he said it made him feel good about himself which put him in a better mood which made it easier to lift my spirits???
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