# The end of an era



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hi everyone,

Some of you may have read my original post, if not, here's the link Talk About Marriage

It's been a hell of a road, and life has changed so drastically for me. I just received what might be the final communication from the ex. He called me to ascertain I received the settlement. I was all business, and matter of fact, I didn't even feel sad or regretful, and I'm honestly not sure what that means. He offered me help if I ever need him, but I ignored it entirely and asked if there was anything I needed to complete and ended the call. I don't see the point in bothering to be "nice" and make small talk with someone who turned out to be a complete stranger after nearly 20 years and literally threw me away. 

DD was 09/03/19, though in my heart, I know it was really 05/30/18, our anniversary when he confessed to having feelings for his trollop but was being pre-emptive about them to work on our marriage. I think my dreams of a 50-year marriage like my grandparents died then. It's the only way I can explain that while hurt and shocked 09/03/19, I was able to stand up and march on. I'm very much uncertain what the future holds, but surely it can't be worse than dying piece by piece inside knowing you can never trust someone again.

My therapist was very pleased with my progress after 6 months of therapy and told me he's never seen someone come to true acceptance so quickly. I don't think it was remarkable, I haven't trusted him since he stepped out emotionally online in 2011, and I realize I spent years detaching from him. I still loved him, and never dreamt of cheating, not even in revenge, that would have tainted me and brought only more pain and unhappiness. It didn't click to me until I read an article about how INTJ's express the love and conduct their relationships why I am the way I am. I've always been afraid I was cold and unloving, but that couldn't be further from the truth. It takes a lot for me to love someone, and a lot to let them go. 

I've been seeing someone for a few months, and funnily enough, we both test as INTJ's, and it's super frustrating and incredible to be with someone who views things similarly. He came on strong at the start, retreated, and then I felt I needed to retreat, now things are starting to go somewhere. I'm not even sure HOW to feel about that yet, but there's no rush - it'll be a while before I'm done with school and settled enough to contemplate life on a serious level with anyone else. It aggravates me immensely to feel so irrational when I'm introspective and analytical by nature. Dude's had me on a rollercoaster of emotion since the first date, and I don't like it one bit. I don't think I've ever connected with anyone on both an intellectual and physical level at the same time, and it's overwhelmed my common sense. 

Anyway, I'm trying to ground myself every time I feel my emotions have the better of me and remind myself he's in the same boat. There are no guarantees in life, pain is inevitable, but how else can you know real joy and recognize happiness if you've never experienced pain? One day at a time, right? I'm feeling more like the person I used to be with every day that passes and more sure of what I want, even if everything is nebulous at the moment. Until then, self-care every time I feel crazy will have to suffice.

You all have been my rock and comfort through this tumultuous time; I can't express my gratitude enough. It truly helps to hear your stories, even though I hate knowing you've also shared my pain on such a deep level to be that empathetic. I still don't feel I have the right or knowledge to advise anyone, but maybe solidarity is enough sometimes. If you've stuck it out this far, thank you for the opportunity to unburden myself, I find that hard to do with my loved ones.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'm glad you're healing and healed. Things to celebrate and way to go on the settlement ph call.

Keep doing better, there will only be more and more great days!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, I just wanted to comment on this:


TXTrini said:


> I was all business, and matter of fact, I didn't even feel sad or regretful, and I'm honestly not sure what that means.


I say CONGRATS and I agree with your therapist. This is EXACTLY the state that betrayed spouses WANT to acheive -- the "meh" factor. You just don't care anymore. They can't hurt you, and you have no interest. This shows that you really HAVE detached and will be able to go on with your life without looking over your shoulder at it.
I think there are many on this board that would be envious of your ability to get to this point so quickly!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I'm glad you're healing and healed. Things to celebrate and way to go on the settlement ph call.
> 
> Keep doing better, there will only be more and more great days!


Thank you! 

I won't lie, it's been hard and scary. I've had some serious illnesses in the last few months in the midst of everything going on. It's literally been by the grace of God and the love and support of my family I made it through. 



jlg07 said:


> So, I just wanted to comment on this:
> 
> I say CONGRATS and I agree with your therapist. This is EXACTLY the state that betrayed spouses WANT to acheive -- the "meh" factor. You just don't care anymore. They can't hurt you, and you have no interest. This shows that you really HAVE detached and will be able to go on with your life without looking over your shoulder at it.
> I think there are many on this board that would be envious of your ability to get to this point so quickly!


Thanks for the input jlg07, I have a habit of over-analyzing things, and I wanted an outside perspective of my state of mind. 

I never even felt the need to let him know I was seeing someone, it's none of his business, not that I have anything to hide. The last thing I want is for him to get jealous and show up here, though that is a very remote possibility. Honestly, I have no regrets, even dealing as long as I did. I never expected marriage to be a bed of roses and my mindset was that things would get better eventually if there was the will. As harsh as it sounds, I have no interest in even being acquaintances, I don't care if that means I will be alone for the rest of my life.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

TX, I have followed your posts. I am so amazed by how quickly you’ve come out of the hell you’ve been through. You reacted very quickly and swiftly to your hurt. So many wallow in limbo. You didn’t, and you will be so much better off for it. I wish you well in your new life, new friends, your degree and your relationships. I’d say I wish you peace, but it certainly sounds like you already found it.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

RebuildingMe said:


> TX, I have followed your posts. I am so amazed by how quickly you’ve come out of the hell you’ve been through. You reacted very quickly and swiftly to your hurt. So many wallow in limbo. You didn’t, and you will be so much better off for it. I wish you well in your new life, new friends, your degree and your relationships. I’d say I wish you peace, but it certainly sounds like you already found it.


Thank you!

I did wallow though, it's been a pattern since 2011 and I hoped things would improve. My dealbreaker was when it went from emotional to full-blown physical affair (different AP). We went through a lot together, I mistakenly thought it made us stronger until the apathetic finale. Not to mention, the devil you know feels a lot safer than the one you don't, and all that jazz. 

I'm at peace with my decision to move on, especially since it killed future ****shows (family drama) I'd have had to deal with but I'm still making peace with giving up that dream and replacing it with another. My favorite mottos for dealing with crap are "evolve or die" and "go big or go home". Hopefully, I won't need bailing out of jail anytime soon 😎


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