# Newly-wed & taken for granted by husband



## AngelicaKan (May 11, 2018)

I'm a newly-wed. My husband and I got married less than a year after meeting without really knowing much about each other. It was a marriage set up by our parents to which we both wholly agreed to. I did and at least, that what my husband tells me.

We're both in our 20s. We've now been married for less than 6 than months. I left my parents, my job and my life to move to a different country to live with him. I've sacrificed so much for him and yet I feel like he doesn't care about me or my feelings and takes me for granted. 

*Past*
I've never been in a romantic relationship before marriage and I was saving myself. My husband wasn't. He has had a relationship when he was a teenager that broke his heart and a series of sexual relationships (with women already in relationships) afterwards. I didn't know about any of this before the wedding. He initially refused to disclose the number of women he's been with and told me recently that it was just one, which I don't know if I believe. He's also had a few habits I didn't know before the wedding and am not okay with, including smoking pot. 

We recently had a huge argument where I told him firmly I need him to stop all his bad habits. I've told him before too but he never listened. It even got to the point where he got drunk when he was away, drunk-called me and spoke to me about a girl he was with. I made it a big issue, told both our parents about his bad habits, and got ready to leave him and go back to my old life. But he asked for one last chance to prove himself. He said he now understands what it is to be a husband and that he'd be more mature, prioritize me and keep me happy. I told him I don't want to regret giving him a second chance because that would mean a waste of time and feelings if nothing changes, but I still gave him one.

He quit all his bad habits, or at least I've not seen him do anything in front of me. But nothing else has changed.

*Poor Communication*
We talk casually but never communicate. Sometimes we'd go days without saying anything meaningful to each other. He comes home from work and is always on his iPad and earphones watching TV shows or football. He travels a lot. And when he does, he doesn't make an effort to call or text. I've always got upset and argued about this so he sometimes call for the sake of it and doesn't put in any effort into the conversation. I'm the one coming up with things to talk about and he just answers my questions. He doesn't tell me what's going on either. For example, he's away for work right now and I had no idea he was in another state until I called him.

*Doesn't like being told what to do*
Nobody like being told what to do. But he doesn't like it even when I say things like "Come on let's eat!" and he would say "Don't tell me what to do", which I don't think is normal. 

*Doesn't seem to care enough*
He also doesn't seem to care about what I do and where I go. I feel like he doesn't prioritize me as much as he should. He doesn't invest time in me. He doesn't really enjoy going out together. When we were on our honeymoon, he wanted to spend the seconh half of it doing different things alone. My honeymoon was my worst trip in life.

*Trust*
I don't really trust him because he's full of empty promises. He doesn't mean what he says and always goes back on his word. He knows that I don't trust him but just tells me I should trust him without giving me reasons to.

*Sex*
We have an unsatisfying sex life. We only have sex when he wants and never when I want. He's also selfish in bed and rushes into things.

*Lack of understanding*
I have to be honest. I don't really understand him and his mindset and it's partly because he's not open with me. I try very hard to though. He tells me I don't understand him at all and I ask him to help me understand him by talking to me and he just says "you should know what I want without me having to tell you", which is really unfair. He doesn't even try to understand me and the only reason he knows my likes and dislikes is because I make it known to him when I'm upset. 

I guess I'm tired of fighting for the things he's supposed to do and be as a husband. I told him recently that I want to give our marriage 6 more months, put in all our effort, and then decide if we're going to work out or not. He did not say anything but I still plan to do exactly that. I want to be happy in life, either with him or without him. If we work out at the end of the six months, I'm happy. If we don't work out, I will be upset at first but I know going back to my old life will eventually make me happy.

I guess what I want to know is if what I'm feeling and doing is right. Am I right? If I'm being unreasonable or could do better, please let me know.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think this is simple. Just tell him if he doesn't change his ways drastically, you will leave him and find a man who can satisfy you emotionally and physically.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't know what religion or culture you are but is there the possibility for annulment. Seems like you were defrauded.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife was a virgin, in all ways, at the age of 19. We got engaged 3 weeks after we met and married 8 months later. We have been happily married for 46 years. I had a lot of sex partners before we married and with most of the girls my wife to be knew. She jokes that it is quicker to tell me who I did not have sex with then who I did.  

However I do not buy a car without a test drive and I was not about to marry a girl unless we were sexually compatible. We had sex for 8 months prior to marriage and she was a good and eager learner, so we proceeded with the marriage. We have zero in common. No common interests and a wide gap in our IQs. Yet we love each other, each do our own thing with our own friends and spend about 6 hours together each day. 

I never advise anyone to get married without having sex first. Sex is such an important part of marriage. How do you enter into a lifetime contract of marriage without knowing that you are sexually compatible. I can see saving yourself up to the point when you know you are going to marry. What is the difference whether you do it now or later? Personally I find sex with virgins to not be satisfying, having deflowered three women. With each they wre too nervous and tense so it took 2-3 nights to accomplish the task. Spending my honeymoon trying to deflower a girl and then having sex with someone who has no experience is not my idea of a good time. However, some cultures it is demanded to remain a virgin until the night of your wedding.


I have known men like your husband. They feel that women were put on earth to use sexually and to serve them. The funny part is that they were like that before marriage. I saw it. My wife saw it and even other friends saw it but the marriage proceeded probably with the bride thinking that things would change after marriage and having sex. People do not change much, in or out of marriage. So basically you took a chance and lost. Now the questions is whether you leave him or spend the rest of you life unhappy. Sounds like he is the type that will cheat on you often.

As for his sexual past, that depends on the wife's feelings about it. I had sex with my wife's friends and school chums before we married and my wife knew that. Her attitude was that while I tried the rest, I married the best. To be frank, you two do not seem compatible at all so why did you marry him? I doubt that he was much different before you married. Perhaps you were blind to his faults. Love does blind the couple to each other's faults and when that initial courtship love wears off in a year or two, you now see each other's faults and have to decide if your spouse is someone you want to spend the rest of your life with and build a mature kind of love different from courtship love. That is the reason why many, if not most, divorces are in the second year of marriage. You now have a decision to make.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

You are being very generous to give him six months. Stick to your plan. You can't continue a marriage with that kind of lack of communication and trust. So unless things really change in that time, give him the boot!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Make sure you stick to the 6 months mark. 

It's does not seems like he wanted this marriage. He probably agreed to it just because of his parents. He still wants to be free to do whatever he wants. Living that free lifestyle with no accountability. 

He is not ready for marriage. He has no desire to get to know you or invest himself in this marriage. His actions says it all.

when you decide to leave do so and don't tell his family. Because they will try to talk you out of it.

Best wishes.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation, but you kind of allowed this situation to develop yourself. Your first mistake was allowing your parents to arrange a union. Your second mistake was allowing the engagement and marriage to take place without thoroughly getting to know each other. By allowing these things to happen, you are your husband shackled yourselves together without really knowing what you got yourselves into. Now you find yourself with a husband that does not meet your expectations and your husband has a wife that is much more controlling and intrusive than he desired.

Be ready for the fact that he will severely resent you for ANY of his behaviors that you force him to change after you got married. Some feelings of resentment will be justified, others will not. You will not agree with him, and you will fight over these. You already said that he does not being told what to do and has empty promises. The resentment has already started. Big Time... 

Any expectations of change on his part will be met with disappointment. Either he won't change enough to suit your liking, or demands to change will be met with an argument (and please note he will not be in the wrong every time, as much as you think he will be. Some times you will be in the wrong too). Either get out now and kindly tell your parents to keep their relationship meddling to themselves in the future, or live a life where your husband and you fight over petty things for the rest of your lives because you let your parents rush you into an incompatible marriage. 

I wish I had better advice. Take care, and good luck to you...


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