# I took a month off from work to homeschool son. Wife thinks I don’t “qualify” for time to myself



## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Hi. My sons school closed around two weeks ago, and I managed to get a ton of time off to stay at home with him until schools reopen, hopefully at the end of December. My son is in 1st grade and is doing fairly well with the online school stuff. I, however, am BURNT OUT!

I still go into the office on Saturday and Sunday to play catch-up. But once Monday comes back around, it’s non stop parenting and online education. I miss the routine of going into work every morning, and while me being a temporary SAHD has been fun, I feel lonely and somewhat detached from everything. Kinda like I’m missing adult time and feeling of isolation. I no longer get to do any of my hobbies, which are hiking, working out and video games, because of my sons schedule. Heck, I can’t remember the last adult tv show or movie I saw. It’s usually, and always, children shows and movies. 

Two days ago I had a breakdown and literally cried in the bathroom with the door locked while my son was doing online schooling, because I was so stressed out from my his tantrums and endless neediness. I never realized just how taxing it is to never do anything for yourself. I haven’t been able to go pee by myself in weeks. 

Before I took the leave of absence from work, my wife and I discussed opportunities for me to get out of the house and have “me time”. These times were supposed to be after my wife gets home from work. Unfortunately that option is no longer there because she usually gets home around 4 or 5 pm. Then it’s making dinner, chores like bathing him and getting whatever schoolwork left finished up, and getting him to bed by 8. He’s then up by 6am the next day (we’re keeping the schedule the same because eventually he’ll be back to in class school). 

My wife leaves for work at 6am as well, so it’s literally just him and I until 4 or 5 pm. 

I literally have zero free time. By 8pm, I’m so drained, all I want to do is crash. I have explained this to my wife and we made arrangements for me to drop him off at MiL house for the day today. About an ten hours ago my son said he didn’t want to go to grandmas, and then started crying. My wife then says to still drop him off but I’ll probably be picking him up within the hour. I told her no, and that I NEED time for myself. Just half a day. 5 or 6 hours to watch a couple movies that aren’t spongbob, Bluey, or all the other kid shows. I haven’t taken a shower by myself in weeks I told my wife. She responded by saying that this was my decision to stay home, and I shouldn’t be pawning our son off because I want “me time”. I then asked her don’t I deserve some time to myself? And she didn’t respond. Just avoided the question and fell asleep. 

She’s basically trying to guilt me into wanting time for myself. The weekend is almost here, and I’ll be spending ten hours on Saturday and another ten hours on Sunday at work. Then, it’s back to being a SAHD again for another week. Rinse and repeat. I am so tired and burnt out. Monday will be week number 3.

My wife, however, gets most of the weekends to herself. She usually goes out on Friday or Saturday night. This means I basically rush home to pick up my son from my MiL house or take over parenting so she can go out. I haven’t gone out with friends since the pandemic started. My free time is usually spent watching movies uninterrupted.

Well this morning I told my wife I was dropping him off at MiL house and will be completing his school work later this afternoon. She basically got upset and said again that I volunteered to stay home and I shouldn’t be pawning him off because I need “Me Time”. But yet, she’s probably going out tonight or tomorrow night.
I love my son. I Love being a parent. But man, I still need self care don’t I? 

Right now I’m using the treadmill at the house, awaiting for the endless text messages and phone calls from my wife and MiL. It’s only been an hour since I dropped him off. But I know, it’s coming.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If your one child is in first grade, why haven't you been able to pee or take a shower by yourself? 

Seriously. I was a SAHM. I had two boys, so a toddler and a breastfeeding infant at the same time. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, child care, running the home, toddler music classes, library time, etc etc etc for over a decade...

And you are complaining about a few weeks of homeschooling one first grader?

I have nothing to say except, get a grip.

I didn't watch a freaking movie or have me time for years and I didn't complain.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> If your one child is in first grade, why haven't you been able to pee or take a shower by yourself?
> 
> Seriously. I was a SAHM. I had two boys, so a toddler and a breastfeeding infant at the same time. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, child care, running the home, toddler music classes, library time, etc etc etc for over a decade...
> 
> ...


Well perhaps you are able to do that. Congrats on that. I’m not built to be a stay at home parent, so your criticism isn’t appreciated. Not every parent is capable of it. Perhaps you generalize too much?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm of two minds here.

On the one hand, taking off a month for parenting during a pandemic does seem like a "put on your big boy pants" and suck it up kind of problem. If you're not resilient enough to manage this for a stretch of 30 days, god forbid you ever lose your wife and become a single parent.

But on the other hand, if she gets to go out, so should you. You do need to strike an equitable bargain here for your free time. One is left to wonder why, with so little free time together, you two aren't trying to find better ways to spend it together on the weekends. Drop the kid off with grandma on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday and have a date, even if it's just dinner cooked at home and an adult movie. Or Sponge Bob. Whatever works.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Cletus said:


> I'm of two minds here.
> 
> On the one hand, taking off a month for parenting during a pandemic does seem like a "put on your big boy pants" and suck it up kind of problem. If you're not resilient enough to manage this for a stretch of 30 days, god forbid you ever lose your wife and become a single parent.
> 
> But on the other hand, if she gets to go out, so should you. You do need to strike an equitable bargain here for your free time. One is left to wonder why, with so little free time together, you two aren't trying to find better ways to spend it together on the weekends. Drop the kid off with grandma on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday and have a date, even if it's just dinner cooked at home and an adult movie. Or Sponge Bob. Whatever works.


Thanks for replying. I think, for me, it’s difficult to be home alone with my son all day everyday. It really is a shock to my system. I wasn’t fully prepared for this. My wife and I came to an agreement that I’d be able to get away for a few hours here and there.
I think the issue here is that my wife thinks I don’t qualify for free time. Why is that even a thing?? When our son was born, my wife took a few months off work to stay at home. Each and every day I would come straight home and take over. She would go to her friends or her parents. She even had the weekends to herself. I honestly feel that our parenting duties were split fairly evenly. So why is it I’m told to shut up and suck it up now? I really don’t mind being home with him. In fact, we have a blast, but I miss alone time. I’m a very introverted person.

on to your next question. My wife hasn’t wanted a date night in a long long time. She would rather hang out with friends. We spend a couple hours here and there in the evenings together. It’s really not enough and that’s probably part of the issue too.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I was sent home to work from home March 13th for 2 weeks. December 11th, I’m still here. I work from home every day from about 7AM until 4:30. In between trying to keep my kids on task with remote learning (they did return to in person school in September, but both of their schools went back to remote 2 weeks before Thanksgiving). I also have a college aged child here remote learning. I don’t need to keep her on task AS much, but it’s still another body in the house that needs attention. My kids are a bit older – 13, 16 and 19, but it is still tough. My 13 year old shuts down when things go remote. My 16 year old actually does better remote, but he also plays football and works so there are things with his schedule I have to try to coordinate while working.


The isolation is real. I don’t care if it’s been 2 weeks or in my case 9 months. Once you take that adult interaction away, things are different. Being “stuck” at home plays tricks on the mind. I can’t tell you how many times I just don’t cook dinner because I just feel like I’m stuck in this house and the effort is just too much. It’s a chore to go to the grocery store because once I’ve been sitting here all day, where’s the motivation to leave at 5PM, when it’s dark and cold outside?


What I’m trying to get at is, I can fully sympathize and YES you do deserve a break, even if it’s just to watch a movie. I chill and watch Netflix at night sometimes. I love my kids and I love my husband, but when I finally get that ME time, I get super annoyed when they come in and start playing with the dogs while I’m just trying to veg and watch a show. I don’t yell at them or anything, but I sure think to myself “my goodness, can I just HAVE a half hour???” I’m closer to my kids than I have ever been with us being around each other constantly, but as a human being, I still need a little bit of time to take care of ME.


Don’t let your wife feel guilty. You’re human.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Brokentroubled said:


> I’m a very introverted person.


I invented introversion. I get the need for some time to decompress. So you're just going to have to advocate for your own mental health and not take no for an answer. Is that worse than a breakdown in the bathroom? I doubt it.



> on to your next question. My wife hasn’t wanted a date night in a long long time. She would rather hang out with friends. We spend a couple hours here and there in the evenings together. It’s really not enough and that’s probably part of the issue too.


I'm not the kind to post a wall of text, but that is a serious problem. If you're being reasonably honest in your description here, you are fast becoming the live-in babysitter for a failing marriage.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Marriage in trouble here. Might have already struck an iceberg and the sinking is slow.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Your relationship with your wife is the problem; that's why your crying. I wouldn't be surprised at all if you were heading to divorce court in the next year or so. If your wife would rather go out with her friends on the weekends than stay with you and your son, then THAT IS the problem, not homeschooling your son.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Well, if you W can go out on a Friday or Saturday night I guess a sitter can watch you child(or grandparent) for one of those evenings? It is what you two should be doing anyway. It is called a marriage.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> Well perhaps you are able to do that. Congrats on that. I’m not built to be a stay at home parent, so your criticism isn’t appreciated. Not every parent is capable of it. Perhaps you generalize too much?


Well, since it was MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, you can't call it generalizing, right?

YOU ASKED for opinion on a forum. I gave you mine. I'm still agast that you are complaining about homeschooling ONE first grader for a few weeks. Can't your "self care" wait? Millions of mothers don't get regular self care, for years. Suck it up.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

... adding, does your child have disabilities? If not, it's really weird that you report you can't even get in a shower alone. Is this were a newborn, yes, but a SIX YEAR OLD????

Also, if this first grader goes to bed at a normal time, you should have at least a couple of hours every single evening to get your "self care" time in and watch Netflix or whatever. 

At work, there are people juggling working full time from home and dealing with multiple toddlers and elementary aged children all at once, every day.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> I was sent home to work from home March 13th for 2 weeks. December 11th, I’m still here. I work from home every day from about 7AM until 4:30. In between trying to keep my kids on task with remote learning (they did return to in person school in September, but both of their schools went back to remote 2 weeks before Thanksgiving). I also have a college aged child here remote learning. I don’t need to keep her on task AS much, but it’s still another body in the house that needs attention. My kids are a bit older – 13, 16 and 19, but it is still tough. My 13 year old shuts down when things go remote. My 16 year old actually does better remote, but he also plays football and works so there are things with his schedule I have to try to coordinate while working.
> 
> 
> The isolation is real. I don’t care if it’s been 2 weeks or in my case 9 months. Once you take that adult interaction away, things are different. Being “stuck” at home plays tricks on the mind. I can’t tell you how many times I just don’t cook dinner because I just feel like I’m stuck in this house and the effort is just too much. It’s a chore to go to the grocery store because once I’ve been sitting here all day, where’s the motivation to leave at 5PM, when it’s dark and cold outside?
> ...


Thank you! I appreciate your response and not minimizing it like some of the posters on here are. I could have forgone the paid leave my employer offered me, letting our son just go to the MiL house to do his online schooling, but I genuinely wanted to spend a few weeks with him. It was different when I was thinking of doing it compared to how it actually turned out. I guess I wasn’t ready for the full experience and it caught me off guard. At any rate, I think what bothers me most is the fact my wife basically acts like I’m hired help instead of her husband, and father to our son. 

The fact that she’s not concerned about my mental help and encouraging me to have a day off really hits home and made me realize that she can be a pretty selfish person sometimes.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Well, since it was MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, you can't call it generalizing, right?
> 
> YOU ASKED for opinion on a forum. I gave you mine. I'm still agast that you are complaining about homeschooling ONE first grader for a few weeks. Can't your "self care" wait? Millions of mothers don't get regular self care, for years. Suck it up.


No no, you’re the type of person to say “whawhawha” to people with actual problems. Just stop whining and carry on is a crap reply to a situation you really have no insight on other than what I posted. You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m an introvert or extrovert. You don’t weigh anything on a specific situation. Just throw out your personal opinion on something you feel strongly for that has completely different circumstances than your own. I’m thrilled it worked out for you!! Congratulations on being a SAHM to your kids!!! It’s not for everyone and your reply is basically to suck it up. It must suck for you to not have a life outside of your family. I don’t know whether I should feel sorry or admiration for someone that thinks “free time/ me time” is something parents don’t and shouldn’t get.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'd be a helluva lot more concerned about your wife preferring to hang out with friends on Friday or Saturday nights rather than having a date night with you. Seriously.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> No no, you’re the type of person to say “whawhawha” to people with actual problems. Just stop whining and carry on is a crap reply to a situation you really have no insight on other than what I posted. You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m an introvert or extrovert. You don’t weigh anything on a specific situation. Just throw out your personal opinion on something you feel strongly for that has completely different circumstances than your own. I’m thrilled it worked out for you!! Congratulations on being a SAHM to your kids!!! It’s not for everyone and your reply is basically to suck it up. It must suck for you to not have a life outside of your family. I don’t know whether I should feel sorry or admiration for someone that thinks “free time/ me time” is something parents don’t and shouldn’t get.


Dude, it's _4 weeks_ of homeschooling _one first grader_. 

If you can't handle that without complaining.....?


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> ... adding, does your child have disabilities? If not, it's really weird that you report you can't even get in a shower alone. Is this were a newborn, yes, but a SIX YEAR OLD????
> 
> Also, if this first grader goes to bed at a normal time, you should have at least a couple of hours every single evening to get your "self care" time in and watch Netflix or whatever.
> 
> At work, there are people juggling working full time from home and dealing with multiple toddlers and elementary aged children all at once, every day.


No, he doesn’t have disabilities, but ever since the pandemic hit he’s changed. So very clingy. I get him to bed by 8pm. By then, I’m too tired to do much besides browse Reddit for a few minutes and then pass out. I get up at 4 am to walk the dog, make breakfast and get random household things done before my son wakes up. 

And there you go again. Generalizing me with all the other parents who have made it happen. 
“ there are people juggling working full time from home and dealing with multiple toddlers and elementary aged children all at once, every day” 

I guess I’m just not like everyone else then. Dang. How freakin crazy and wild at the thought. 

Oh man, people are juggling multiple kids AND working from home too?!? Holy smokes! And I bet your thoughts to these parents are, if they complain, something along the lines of “boo hoo, there’s people out there juggling three full time jobs and have twelve kids. If they can do it, so can you!” Stop. Generalizing. Everybody’s situation! You assume that someone else has it tougher, fine, but for the love of god, stop minimizing the situation and comparing it to your own.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> I'd be a helluva lot more concerned about your wife preferring to hang out with friends on Friday or Saturday nights rather than having a date night with you. Seriously.


She’s kinda always done that. I’m used to actually. We used to alternate weekends. One weekend I go out and the next she goes out. I never really went anywhere really. I’d just take my son to the movies or the mall or something on my weekends.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Dude, it's _4 weeks_ of homeschooling _one first grader_.
> 
> If you can't handle that without complaining.....?


Yea wahwah stupid me. You did it for YeARs and I should just suck it up as you say because you HaD iT sO MuCh WoRSE. You don’t know me and you assume too much. Sounds like you got some issues. If I’d guess, and had I asked your ex husband, he’d probably say you have control issues.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Brokentroubled said:


> Thank you! I appreciate your response and not minimizing it like some of the posters on here are. I could have forgone the paid leave my employer offered me, letting our son just go to the MiL house to do his online schooling, but I genuinely wanted to spend a few weeks with him. It was different when I was thinking of doing it compared to how it actually turned out. I guess I wasn’t ready for the full experience and it caught me off guard. At any rate, I think what bothers me most is the fact my wife basically acts like I’m hired help instead of her husband, and father to our son.
> 
> The fact that she’s not concerned about my mental help and encouraging me to have a day off really hits home and made me realize that she can be a pretty selfish person sometimes.


Dude..... She is very possibly seeing someone else or considering it.

She is definitely checked out of your marriage and you should trust the contempt she is showing you.

She doesn't respect or desire you partner and your marriage is in serious danger if not over already.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Millions of mothers don't get regular self care, for years. Suck it up.


and you think they do not complain and are happy?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> Yea wahwah stupid me. You did it for YeARs and I should just suck it up as you say because you HaD iT sO MuCh WoRSE. You don’t know me and you assume too much. Sounds like you got some issues. If I’d guess, and had I asked your ex husband, he’d probably say you have control issues.


Again, this is 4 weeks of homeschooling one first grader. 

4 weeks. One first grader.

People have been doing this for months on end, with multiple children, around the world.

My opinion stands. One child. 4 weeks. You'll recover.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Cletus said:


> I invented introversion. I get the need for some time to decompress. So you're just going to have to advocate for your own mental health and not take no for an answer. Is that worse than a breakdown in the bathroom? I doubt it.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm not the kind to post a wall of text, but that is a serious problem. If you're being reasonably honest in your description here, you are fast becoming the live-in babysitter for a failing marriage.


I think you hit it on the head there. We’ve been married for nearly 7 years. While we don’t go out much as a couple, we still hang out and have date-in nights. The pandemic amplified this. But yes, lately there has been a feeling as though my wife wants to spend less and less time with me or our son.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

WandaJ said:


> and you think they do not complain and are happy?


Wanda, you think 4 weeks of homeschooling one first grader is too much for someone to handle without complaint?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Where was/is your wife going with friends? Clubs? Bars? Hanging out at a friend's house? You're saying you'd do things with your son while she's hanging out with friends. This doesn't sound particularly good for your marriage. JMO.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> Dude..... She is very possibly seeing someone else or considering it.
> 
> She is definitely checked out of your marriage and you should trust the contempt she is showing you.
> 
> She doesn't respect or desire you partner and your marriage is in serious danger if not over already.


I know. This is the conclusion I came to as well. It’s something that is hard to admit.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Livvie said:


> Wanda, you think 4 weeks of homeschooling one first grader is too much for someone to handle without complaint?


It’s not for everybody! Spending four weeks at home isolated with a 6 year old that has been affected by the pandemic and now has issues being alone and worrying about the virus alongside the fact he’s gone from in-class learning to remote learning is a lot for all of us. It’s a constant struggle keeping him interested in sitting at a laptop for 5 hours a day.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Where was/is your wife going with friends? Clubs? Bars? Hanging out at a friend's house? You're saying you'd do things with your son while she's hanging out with friends. This doesn't sound particularly good for your marriage. JMO.


She usually goes to her friends house and hangs out.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Wanda, you think 4 weeks of homeschooling one first grader is too much for someone to handle without complaint?


Why without complain? complaining sometimes works as safety valve. And his wife is really a **** here, that's why this is so hard for him. Frankly, I do not see much of a relationship there.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

@Brokentroubled, why can't you simply leave on Saturday and do your own staff? who can stop you? 

Frankly, your bigger problem is your wife and your relationship wiht her. She doesn't respect you at all. You need to work on 180


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Why without complain? complaining sometimes works as safety valve. And his wife is really a **** here, that's why this is so hard for him. Frankly, I do not see much of a relationship there.


My wife and I are definitely going through a down period. However, we’ve been going on this downward trend for awhile. Maybe I should open my eyes and take everything into perspective. I think I’ve been too busy to notice.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> @Brokentroubled, why can't you simply leave on Saturday and do your own staff? who can stop you?
> 
> Frankly, your bigger problem is your wife and your relationship wiht her. She doesn't respect you at all. You need to work on 180


I was actually considering getting a room at a nice hotel, by myself of course. Something with an indoor pool I can just destress for the night. My coworker told me that that is exactly what he did when his kids were younger because his wife never respected his alone time. He claimed it saved his sanity. And, it sounds like exactly what I’m going through. Right down to the feeling of isolation and depression.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Expectation is often different than reality. When I was first sent home, I thought it sounded great! No need to get dressed up. I don’t have to wear makeup! I could sleep an extra hour. No rushing kids to school and packing lunches. We’d all gather round the fire and do our work in our matching jammies like the perfect All-American Family.


I couldn’t have been more wrong. Working from home is awful. Homeschooling is awful. I continually see my friends on social media at their wits end with remote and e-learning due to either lack of internet connectivity, the teachers giving too much or confusing work, teachers not being communicative, the kids not wanting to do the work, parents trying to work while also keeping their kids on track (my situation).


I have a friend currently in truancy court today because she (single mom) has to work all day to keep a roof over their head and the kids at home not signing on to do their work no matter how much she fights them. Work not getting done = being counted absent = being truant = the kid and parent in court.


If some people are doing great with this remote learning/working from home – GREAT!!! I’ll give them all a cookie. I’m seeing much more that it’s downright impossible and highly stressful for most people.


I’m not sure why your situation is being minimized or that I’m seeing you just need to “suck it up”. I bet if this was a woman posting it, she’d get pats on the back to hang in there and know what she deserves……just sayin’.


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

Don't let the posters get to you. I went back to work 5 weeks after my child was born and i breast fed for 7 months. I couldn't do the home schooling, I don't have the patience and it would drive me crazy. I tried to work out of the house one day since March and that was it. I'm going to the office. 

So some can and some can't. But I agree with other posters, your child is running your life now. That needs to change.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> Expectation is often different than reality. When I was first sent home, I thought it sounded great! No need to get dressed up. I don’t have to wear makeup! I could sleep an extra hour. No rushing kids to school and packing lunches. We’d all gather round the fire and do our work in our matching jammies like the perfect All-American Family.
> 
> 
> I couldn’t have been more wrong. Working from home is awful. Homeschooling is awful. I continually see my friends on social media at their wits end with remote and e-learning due to either lack of internet connectivity, the teachers giving too much or confusing work, teachers not being communicative, the kids not wanting to do the work, parents trying to work while also keeping their kids on track (my situation).
> ...


Thanks for the encouraging reply. Homeschooling, remote learning isn’t for everyone. Some of the posters generalize because their own situation worked out. It worked for them, how on earth isn’t working for everyone else is their mindset.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Brokentroubled said:


> No, he doesn’t have disabilities, but ever since the pandemic hit he’s changed. So very clingy. I get him to bed by 8pm. By then, I’m too tired to do much besides browse Reddit for a few minutes and then pass out. I get up at 4 am to walk the dog, make breakfast and get random household things done before my son wakes up.
> 
> And there you go again. Generalizing me with all the other parents who have made it happen.
> “ there are people juggling working full time from home and dealing with multiple toddlers and elementary aged children all at once, every day”
> ...


I just dont understand why you have to get up at 4am to walk the dog and do jobs. That seems crazy. Get up when your son does(and why wake him at 6am if he isnt at school, leave him till 7am), he can come with you to walk the dog after breakfast and you should easily be able to do some jobs during the day like all stay at home parents do. That will give you 2 more hours sleep. 
8 pm to go to bed for a 5-6 year old is quite late. Make it 7.30 and let him look at books till 8pm. That gives you more time in the evening. You should easily be able to take a shower and go to the bathroom without him, he is quite capable of playing on his own for 10-15 minutes. I cant see what can be so hard about the easy lessons a 5-6 year old does. My son homeschooled his 6 year old son for several months during the lockdown here in the uk when the schools were closed for 6 months, and he also had a 3 year old to keep occupied. It is after all just one month, this is a permanent way of life for millions of parents.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

gold5932 said:


> Don't let the posters get to you. I went back to work 5 weeks after my child was born and i breast fed for 7 months. I couldn't do the home schooling, I don't have the patience and it would drive me crazy. I tried to work out of the house one day since March and that was it. I'm going to the office.
> 
> So some can and some can't. But I agree with other posters, your child is running your life now. That needs to change.


The problem is that there isn’t unity. I told my wife exactly this. That our son is controlling our lives and it needs to stop. I’m known to be the enforcer in the family. I set the bars for how I want my son to act to learn boundaries but, my wife reverses the work I put in by giving in to tantrums and allowing him to walk all over us.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I just dont understand why you have to get up at 4am to walk the dog and do jobs. That seems crazy. Get up when your son does, he can come with you to walk the dog after breakfast and you should easily be able to do some jobs durung the day like all stay at home parents do. That will give you 2 more hours sleep. 8 pm to go to bed for a 5-6 year old is quite late. Make it 7.30 and let him look at books till 8pm. That gives you more time in the evening. You should easily be able to take a shower and go to the bathroom without him, he is quite capable of playing on his own for 10-15 minutes. I cant see what can be so hard about the easy lessons a 5-6 year old does. My son homeschooled his 6 year old son for several months during the lockdown here, and he also had a 3 year old to care for. It is after all just one month, this is a permanent way of life for millions of parents.


I get up normally at 3:30am for work. I walk the dog and leave the house at 5 or 6. I’m not altering the time I get up now. It’ll make it difficult to go back to that when I go back to work. Also, it’s too cold in the morning to take my son on an early dog walk. He refuses to go. The dog needs a walk and I gotta take him.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I just dont understand why you have to get up at 4am to walk the dog and do jobs. That seems crazy. Get up when your son does, he can come with you to walk the dog after breakfast and you should easily be able to do some jobs durung the day like all stay at home parents do. That will give you 2 more hours sleep. 8 pm to go to bed for a 5-6 year old is quite late. Make it 7.30 and let him look at books till 8pm. That gives you more time in the evening. You should easily be able to take a shower and go to the bathroom without him, he is quite capable of playing on his own for 10-15 minutes. I cant see what can be so hard about the easy lessons a 5-6 year old does. My son homeschooled his 6 year old son for several months during the lockdown here, and he also had a 3 year old to care for. It is after all just one month, this is a permanent way of life for millions of parents.


Also, he goes to bed at 7 but doesn’t fall asleep till 8. His remote learning is awful some days. I don’t understand the expectation of a 6 year old to sit in front of a computer for 5 hours. That’s stressful on everyone


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No unity; at least, when it comes to raising your son. Wife prefers to hang with her friends. She's not keen on date nights. You're burned out. This pandemic has kicked the crap out of everyone. It doesn't sound like your marriage was exactly stellar before all this occurred.. 

Do you think it's a matter of complacency, where you both let things go? Or do you think there's a more serious disconnect?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Expectation is often different than reality. When I was first sent home, I thought it sounded great! No need to get dressed up. I don’t have to wear makeup! I could sleep an extra hour. No rushing kids to school and packing lunches. We’d all gather round the fire and do our work in our matching jammies like the perfect All-American Family.
> 
> 
> I couldn’t have been more wrong. Working from home is awful. Homeschooling is awful. I continually see my friends on social media at their wits end with remote and e-learning due to either lack of internet connectivity, the teachers giving too much or confusing work, teachers not being communicative, the kids not wanting to do the work, parents trying to work while also keeping their kids on track (my situation).
> ...


Because it's only for 4 weeks.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just remember that those parents who managed in the past weren't doing it during a pandemic and lockdown. It was easy to get the kids out to the park or library or Chuck E. Cheese or McDonalds or arrange play dates or window shop. It isn't so easy to entertain a kid when the options are so limited.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> I think you hit it on the head there. We’ve been married for nearly 7 years. While we don’t go out much as a couple, we still hang out and have date-in nights. The pandemic amplified this. But yes, lately there has been a feeling as though my wife wants to spend less and less time with me or our son.


She may already have her eye on another guy. You should go ro work and not come home on Saturday night. I do not understand people going out without their spouses. It says to me, "Houston, we have a problem!"


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I, too, am wondering why you're not getting to go to the bathroom or take showers by yourself? If your son is this needy at 6, that's a real problem unless there's some known developmental delay there. He should be perfectly okay to chill out on the couch watching tv, do school work or play quietly alone for 30 minutes or an hour while you bathe or make dinner or even read in bed. If he's not, then someone has been raising him to require constant attention and interaction. Maybe this few weeks will provide you an opportunity to address that problem.

And, yes, you and your wife seem to be in a very unhealthy relationship. Most couples need around 15 hours per week alone together, doing fun date-like things, in order to sustain love. If you two aren't prioritizing quality time together to work on sustaining your relationship as husband and wife, then your marriage is in trouble.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Because it's only for 4 weeks.



It doesn’t matter if it’s 4 weeks or 4 hours. If it’s overwhelming, it’s overwhelming. We’re all built different and are equipped differently to deal with different things. What may seem easy peasy to me may be overwhelming to someone else.


I can organize an entire community event in 2 days time, including getting the funding and lining up the venue. I did it 3 times in less than a weeks time last year. Raised over $3K each time and organized transportation for 200 people. Each time with less than 6 days to do so, working with multiple donors, transportation companies and driving checks all around town – while simultaneously working a full AND part time job and taking care of three kids. I THRIVED during it. Something like that may stress someone else out to the max. I’ve been told several times in my life with all of the things I handle that people “don’t know how I do it”. I look at them like they’re weird because it’s the easiest thing in the world for me. My husband though? He’d lose his sh*t on day two. But he can throw together a 20 team softball tournament in 3 days flat, where’d I’d lose my mind trying to even think about doing it. Point being – we all have our strengths and we all have things that cause us stress that we don’t really excel at.


Sure, at the end of the day, everything is different right now and we all have a different level of “sucking it up” that we need to do. OP is sucking it up and doing the best he can. At the end of the day though, he’s tired, overwhelmed and needs a little break. Why is he being made to feel like a failure or less than because of that?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

For those wondering why he can't shower or go to the bathroom by himself.....my kids are 13, 16 and 19 and there's not a single shower or potty break where SOMEONE isn't knocking on the door asking a question, wanting to come in and talk or even the husband coming in to ogle while I'm in the tub nekkid. The ONLY time I get bathroom time alone is if I'm home alone (which especially during a pandemic - NEVER). Sometimes, it's as simple as a knock and "mom? You in there?" and when I ask what they want it's just "Oh, just wondering". Doesn't mean they need anything, but sometimes it's just like geez guys. Can I pee?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> My wife and I are definitely going through a down period. However, we’ve been going on this downward trend for awhile. Maybe I should open my eyes and take everything into perspective. I think I’ve been too busy to notice.


I think finally you start seeing it. this is not normal.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> For those wondering why he can't shower or go to the bathroom by himself.....my kids are 13, 16 and 19 and there's not a single shower or potty break where SOMEONE isn't knocking on the door asking a question, wanting to come in and talk or even the husband coming in to ogle while I'm in the tub nekkid. The ONLY time I get bathroom time alone is if I'm home alone (which especially during a pandemic - NEVER). Sometimes, it's as simple as a knock and "mom? You in there?" and when I ask what they want it's just "Oh, just wondering". Doesn't mean they need anything, but sometimes it's just like geez guys. Can I pee?


yep. That's why I take baths often - that's my alone time


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Brokentroubled said:


> The problem is that there isn’t unity. I told my wife exactly this. That our son is controlling our lives and it needs to stop. I’m known to be the enforcer in the family. I set the bars for how I want my son to act to learn boundaries but, my wife reverses the work I put in by giving in to tantrums and allowing him to walk all over us.


You’re also part of the problem. You allow your 6 year old to run the show by not being able to shower alone. This is absolutely ridiculous. He should be able to sit while you’re using the bathroom. 

How does your wife reverse “the work” you put in when she’s gone most of the day. From my point of view, you both allow your son to walk all over you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> No unity; at least, when it comes to raising your son. Wife prefers to hang with her friends. She's not keen on date nights. You're burned out. This pandemic has kicked the crap out of everyone. It doesn't sound like your marriage was exactly stellar before all this occurred..
> 
> Do you think it's a matter of complacency, where you both let things go? Or do you think there's a more serious disconnect?


Yea, we had issues before the pandemic hit. I believe it’s a little bit of both actually.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A first grader is about six in my estimation.
That is old enough to go fishing and hiking, and maybe bicycling with him.

Take him golfing with you. He can sit in the cart while you drive a few balls into the rough or the ponds.
Take him bowling and to arcade halls.

I would not stay home any longer than I had to. Teach him his ABC's while 'out and about'.
Get age appropriate flash cards and a pen and a paper and head out into the woods, make him do his learning 'on the fly'.

Get his butt going and you follow him.

He is at that age where he is fun to be with. Once he gets in his teens, then you will have other issues!!


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Rowan said:


> I, too, am wondering why you're not getting to go to the bathroom or take showers by yourself? If your son is this needy at 6, that's a real problem unless there's some known developmental delay there. He should be perfectly okay to chill out on the couch watching tv, do school work or play quietly alone for 30 minutes or an hour while you bathe or make dinner or even read in bed. If he's not, then someone has been raising him to require constant attention and interaction. Maybe this few weeks will provide you an opportunity to address that problem.
> 
> And, yes, you and your wife seem to be in a very unhealthy relationship. Most couples need around 15 hours per week alone together, doing fun date-like things, in order to sustain love. If you two aren't prioritizing quality time together to work on sustaining your relationship as husband and wife, then your marriage is in trouble.


He’s gotten much more needy since the pandemic. Of course I was over exaggerating the bathroom thing, a little. My wife has raised him to be this way I think. I fought her tooth and nail about the co-sleeping and I fight her on most other things like the right way to handle temper tantrums. Her way is to fix the issue by trying to give him whatever he wants, and that always makes the issue worse.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

LosingHim said:


> For those wondering why he can't shower or go to the bathroom by himself.....my kids are 13, 16 and 19 and there's not a single shower or potty break where SOMEONE isn't knocking on the door asking a question, wanting to come in and talk or even the husband coming in to ogle while I'm in the tub nekkid. The ONLY time I get bathroom time alone is if I'm home alone (which especially during a pandemic - NEVER). Sometimes, it's as simple as a knock and "mom? You in there?" and when I ask what they want it's just "Oh, just wondering". Doesn't mean they need anything, but sometimes it's just like geez guys. Can I pee?


Exactly! Since the pandemic, he’s been extra clingy and needy.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> You’re also part of the problem. You allow your 6 year old to run the show by not being able to shower alone. This is absolutely ridiculous. He should be able to sit while you’re using the bathroom.
> 
> How does your wife reverse “the work” you put in when she’s gone most of the day. From my point of view, you both allow your son to walk all over you.
> Well I try to instill boundaries and to handle the tantrums properly by ignoring them, which works. My wife though allows my son to walk all over us. We can’t even have an adult conversation without our son interrupting several times. And my wife will stop the conversation to appease him, on whatever he wants. I tell her to support me when I tell him adults are talking. She will usually override me and this sends a message to my son that he runs the house.
> ...


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Brokentroubled said:


> Thanks for replying. I think, for me, it’s difficult to be home alone with my son all day everyday. It really is a shock to my system. I wasn’t fully prepared for this. My wife and I came to an agreement that I’d be able to get away for a few hours here and there.
> I think the issue here is that my wife thinks I don’t qualify for free time. Why is that even a thing?? When our son was born, my wife took a few months off work to stay at home. Each and every day I would come straight home and take over. She would go to her friends or her parents. She even had the weekends to herself. I honestly feel that our parenting duties were split fairly evenly. So why is it I’m told to shut up and suck it up now? I really don’t mind being home with him. In fact, we have a blast, but I miss alone time. I’m a very introverted person.
> 
> on to your next question. My wife hasn’t wanted a date night in a long long time. She would rather hang out with friends. We spend a couple hours here and there in the evenings together. It’s really not enough and that’s probably part of the issue too.


The people who have never been a stay at home parent never understand how hard it can be.

But just look around the internet and you'll see people whining how hard it is having their 11 or 13 year old child home all day. the younger they are the harder it is.

You deserve some time just like any stay at home does.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Brokentroubled said:


> He’s gotten much more needy since the pandemic. Of course I was over exaggerating the bathroom thing, a little. My wife has raised him to be this way I think. I fought her tooth and nail about the co-sleeping and I fight her on most other things like the right way to handle temper tantrums. Her way is to fix the issue by trying to *give him whatever he wants,* and that always makes the issue worse.


Ya think?

Too bad she does not wish to appease you too!

Just lay on the floor, cry and thrash about, tell her you want to go out and play.
She will then gladly open the door and let you go free!

Do the same when you want her in your bed for a little hugging!

Lordy! Lower the boom on this behavior.
From both of them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Brokentroubled said:


> I fought her tooth and nail about the co-sleeping


Fight harder.

Pick up the little guy and carry him to his bed. Lock him in his room if he continues this behavior.

If your wife continues her behavior I would move out of the house for a month until she learns your worth.

The two of them act the way they do because your wife thinks she is a princess and you are a chump.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SunCMars said:


> Fight harder.
> 
> Pick up the little guy and carry him to his bed. Lock him in his room if he continues this behavior.
> 
> ...


Well, I wouldn't advise locking him in his room!!!! But you could make a big deal about his new room (maybe decorate it with some new things) and just keep carrying him back to bed if he gets out. Maybe have to camp out in the hall for a night or two outside his room.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The pandemic has been hard on everyone.

I was a stay at home parent for 5 years so I understood how isolating it can be, and I know I was miserable.

You having a breakdown after 4 weeks does seem a bit over the top to me, but I can also appreciate the extra burden of trying to home school your kid. And you're new at this so you haven't learned to juggle or balance.

On top of that, as others have pointed out you and your wife are not in a good place. I don't understand though why you need her permission to take your son to your MIL's; who cares if your wife gets upset? She doesn't get to dictate this, especially since you're still going in to the office on weekends.

She doesn't get to decide what you've "earned"; you're not her damn kid.

This whole "you signed up for this" is ridiculous....as if you just pulled him out of school so you could homeschool him. If you guys split up she'll have to figure something out.

Tell your wife that you thought you could do this but you can't, so now you need to figure out a solution together. If she is uncooperative perhaps you should rethink this marriage since you're obviously not a team.

Stop crying and put your damn foot down.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"My wife, however, gets most of the weekends to herself. She usually goes out on Friday or Saturday night. This means I basically rush home to pick up my son from my MiL house or take over parenting so she can go out. I haven’t gone out with friends since the pandemic started. My free time is usually spent watching movies uninterrupted. "

I haven't caught up on this whole thread, but THIS ABOVE?? Nope. Why are YOU not going out on a Friday or Saturday night with your friends? HER doing this knowing that you also need "adult time" -- not excusable.
YES you do need some time to yourself, but you also did volunteer for this. Maybe it IS harder than you expected, but this won't be forever. You SHOULD use MIL or whoever when required -- good for your son and her to get some bonding time in also! 
I think you need a few boundaries (you need to shower/pee by yourself -- your son can wait outside), and I think you need some time management skills here -- you CANNOT be 100% focused on him ALL day -- if he is in school, be in the same room to make sure he is paying attention to his classes, but you could read a book, or something while he is doing that.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Brokentroubled said:


> The problem is that there isn’t unity. I told my wife exactly this. That our son is controlling our lives and it needs to stop. I’m known to be the enforcer in the family. I set the bars for how I want my son to act to learn boundaries but, my wife reverses the work I put in by giving in to tantrums and allowing him to walk all over us.


So the next time she does this let HER deal with the tantrums.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LosingHim said:


> For those wondering why he can't shower or go to the bathroom by himself.....my kids are 13, 16 and 19 and there's not a single shower or potty break where SOMEONE isn't knocking on the door asking a question, wanting to come in and talk or even the husband coming in to ogle while I'm in the tub nekkid. The ONLY time I get bathroom time alone is if I'm home alone (which especially during a pandemic - NEVER). Sometimes, it's as simple as a knock and "mom? You in there?" and when I ask what they want it's just "Oh, just wondering". Doesn't mean they need anything, but sometimes it's just like geez guys. Can I pee?


So when they ask if you are in there just say "NO". Also tell them NOT to do that when you are in the bathroom. They are old enough to realize they shouldn't be bothering you in there.....


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> So when they ask if you are in there just say "NO". Also tell them NOT to do that when you are in the bathroom. They are old enough to realize they shouldn't be bothering you in there.....


My boys are 20 and 17 and they pretty much never bother me when I'm in the tub/shower.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Just remember that those parents who managed in the past weren't doing it during a pandemic and lockdown. It was easy to get the kids out to the park or library or Chuck E. Cheese or McDonalds or arrange play dates or window shop. It isn't so easy to entertain a kid when the options are so limited.


Yet millions have done it this year.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> Hi. My sons school closed around two weeks ago, and I managed to get a ton of time off to stay at home with him until schools reopen, hopefully at the end of December. My son is in 1st grade and is doing fairly well with the online school stuff. I, however, am BURNT OUT!
> 
> I still go into the office on Saturday and Sunday to play catch-up. But once Monday comes back around, it’s non stop parenting and online education. I miss the routine of going into work every morning, and while me being a temporary SAHD has been fun, I feel lonely and somewhat detached from everything. Kinda like I’m missing adult time and feeling of isolation. I no longer get to do any of my hobbies, which are hiking, working out and video games, because of my sons schedule. Heck, I can’t remember the last adult tv show or movie I saw. It’s usually, and always, children shows and movies.
> 
> ...


you are the problem. I’ve raised two boys and a girl. My kids were never a problem. I took them wherever I went. We had great fun. When they pitched a tantrum or refused to follow instructions (incredibly rare) I spanked their rears. 
Kids should not be all this “headache” a you describe. If they are, it’s your own fault, you made them that way. Fix it.

kids should be a joy to be with. That’s why we have them. You need to get some training on how to handle your first grader. After all, your son’s teacher not only handles him, but 25 or 30 other kids just like him. And they likely don’t mind it. The problem is searing at you every morning in the mirror.

you locked yourself in the bathroom and cried over spending the day with your own son? You are doing something wrong.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> The people who have never been a stay at home parent never understand how hard it can be.
> 
> But just look around the internet and you'll see people whining how hard it is having their 11 or 13 year old child home all day. the younger they are the harder it is.
> 
> You deserve some time just like any stay at home does.


Thanks for the reply. I can’t imagine how stay at home parents do this all day every day.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

jlg07 said:


> So when they ask if you are in there just say "NO". Also tell them NOT to do that when you are in the bathroom. They are old enough to realize they shouldn't be bothering you in there.....


I've tried this multiple times. Even to the point of losing my sh*t a few times and saying "seriously guys, can I BE in the bathroom ALONE?" As time has gone on, I've realized they just want to be with me/talk to me. At the end of the day, it's a minor annoyance and not worth a flip out in the grand scheme of things. Added up? Sure - sometimes I'm just like my goodness I get zero time to myself. 

I'm pretty sure this is what OP is experiencing. If the 6 year old follows him to the bathroom - by itself, not a big deal. Added to everything else, it's just another box ticked that he needs an hour or a couple of hours to decompress. It's rarely the small little things alone that are too hard to handle. It's the LIST of things that make us need a break. There's no shame in ANYONE needing a break every now and again. Sure, at the heart of it we're parents and we have responsibilities. It doesn't sound to me like OP is looking to run away for the long haul. Just a few hours of adult time to feel normal, regroup and get back to it.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Congratulations, you feel exactly like moms feel.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Brokentroubled said:


> Hi. My sons school closed around two weeks ago, and I managed to get a ton of time off to stay at home with him until schools reopen, hopefully at the end of December. My son is in 1st grade and is doing fairly well with the online school stuff. I, however, am BURNT OUT!
> 
> I still go into the office on Saturday and Sunday to play catch-up. But once Monday comes back around, it’s non stop parenting and online education. I miss the routine of going into work every morning, and while me being a temporary SAHD has been fun, I feel lonely and somewhat detached from everything. Kinda like I’m missing adult time and feeling of isolation. I no longer get to do any of my hobbies, which are hiking, working out and video games, because of my sons schedule. Heck, I can’t remember the last adult tv show or movie I saw. It’s usually, and always, children shows and movies.
> 
> ...


Yah I'm sorry but if your locking yourself in a bathroom crying after 2 weeks of staying home and homeschooling a 1st grader, you really need to man up brother. But at the same time I few hours to yourself is not an unreasonable ask. So when your wife gets home at 4 or 5 is it her doing the dinner prep bathing etc. This might be a situation where your wife is pissed/disappointed in your general lack of resilience. There are literally millions of people doing what you're doing while working from home at the same time. Sorry if this seems harsh but she might be looking at the situation thinking my god did I marry a man who can't handle being a full time dad for a few weeks. 

I'm a little confused on one point. If you're going to work 10 hours a day on the weekends how does your wife have the weekends to herself. 

You need to do two things. One take a deep breath realize you are the dad you are doing your job. Two Tell your wife if she gets to go out and have free time with friends then you do also. Though with the schedule you might have to settle for just some chill time at home. Maybe after a nice family dinner she gets mommy time with the kid and you get to chill for a bit and then the two of you hang together once he's in bed. Whats the kids bed time. When mine were that age bed time was 7:30. Leaves plenty of kid free time to watch some TV or a movie. At that age he should be sleeping 10 hours a day. 

You're not dealing well with this, most likely because its a new situation and there is an adjustment period. Embrace routine. Have a daily schedule with the kid and your wife so everyone knows whats happening and when and have some decompression time worked in there for yourself. 

At least now you have a good understanding where all the SAHMs are coming from when they complain about their husbands who come home from work ask whats for dinner then plop down in front of the TV for the rest of the night.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

If your MIL agreed to do the remote learning with your kid, why not let her do a couple days a week to give yourself a break? 

It seems like there are a lot of solutions to your problem but your just focused on your wife being the bad one.

There is nothing wring with needing to spend a mental health day away in a hotel by yourself. It’s really not a big deal. You just need to TELL your wife your going to do it because you need it, and let her have input on what day you should go. Do not ask her. Tell her. Advocate for yourself.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Brokentroubled said:


> Thanks for the reply. I can’t imagine how stay at home parents do this all day every day.


I was a stay at home parent of 3 for many years, and a single mum for 6 years. I worked some part time jobs over that time that fitted in with the family, but I was the full time parent. Never regretted it for a second and while tiring and challenging at times, its not that bad.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I have a lady friend with 3 kids aging 5-10 yrs, and two more older.
thetvare constantly bickering, she’s constantly telling them she’s gonna do x, y, z and “counting to three”....
yes, a day with them would be exhausting for her. I’d have that crap fixed in about 15 minutes if suddenly they were left with me.

Kids and people will do what they are allowed to do. Kids who are taught some discipline and respect are usually happy and entertain themselves, and are easy to be around. 

OP, you are two passive. You complain and build resentment, rather than solving problems and moving ahead.
Your wife doesn’t like spending time with you. Ask yourself what you’re doing wrong.
A casual observer could spot it in 5 minutes I suspect.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> "My wife, however, gets most of the weekends to herself. She usually goes out on Friday or Saturday night. This means I basically rush home to pick up my son from my MiL house or take over parenting so she can go out. I haven’t gone out with friends since the pandemic started. My free time is usually spent watching movies uninterrupted. "
> 
> I haven't caught up on this whole thread, but THIS ABOVE?? Nope. Why are YOU not going out on a Friday or Saturday night with your friends? HER doing this knowing that you also need "adult time" -- not excusable.
> YES you do need some time to yourself, but you also did volunteer for this. Maybe it IS harder than you expected, but this won't be forever. You SHOULD use MIL or whoever when required -- good for your son and her to get some bonding time in also!
> I think you need a few boundaries (you need to shower/pee by yourself -- your son can wait outside), and I think you need some time management skills here -- you CANNOT be 100% focused on him ALL day -- if he is in school, be in the same room to make sure he is paying attention to his classes, but you could read a book, or something while he is doing that.


I haven’t gone out due to the pandemic. I have seen friends here and there but that’s about the extent of it. My wife doesn’t really care about covid and does as she pleases. 

As for his school, I need to also pay attention because he loses track of what he’s doing and it’s my job to get him back on board.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Brokentroubled said:


> Thanks for the reply. I can’t imagine how stay at home parents do this all day every day.


They do it DIFFERENTLY from how you're doing it. They co-evolve with their kids, the kid learns how to behave, the parent learns how to parent and they find an equilibrium. You're giving into your son's neediness and he's a tme-attention black hole, it's time for you to assert new standards of behavior for the both of you.

As others have already pointed out, these recent events are not really about your SAHD role, this recent stress has really shined a spotlight on the fractures in your relationship with your wife. That's the bigger problem and challenge.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokentroubled said:


> No no, you’re the type of person to say “whawhawha” to people with actual problems. Just stop whining and carry on is a crap reply to a situation you really have no insight on other than what I posted. You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m an introvert or extrovert. You don’t weigh anything on a specific situation. Just throw out your personal opinion on something you feel strongly for that has completely different circumstances than your own. I’m thrilled it worked out for you!! Congratulations on being a SAHM to your kids!!! It’s not for everyone and your reply is basically to suck it up. It must suck for you to not have a life outside of your family. I don’t know whether I should feel sorry or admiration for someone that thinks “free time/ me time” is something parents don’t and shouldn’t get.


This is a public forum. You will get all responses all over the spectrum. Just take to heart the responses that work for you and ignore those that do not. Arguing with people you disagree with is not helpful to you.


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## Brokentroubled (Dec 11, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> This is a public forum. You will get all responses all over the spectrum. Just take to heart the responses that work for you and ignore those that do not. Arguing with people you disagree with is not helpful to you.


Fair enough. But I will defend myself when people reply to my post.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm not going to bash you because you had a meltdown. Personally, I think you'd have more tolerance for your son if your wife was more supportive. So she goes out and basically has an I-don't-give-a-damn attitude about COVID, right? She's starting to sound more like a ***** the more you discuss your situation. Hey, I'm not living in your situation, so I can only speculate.

Your son is being overly needy and clingy. So how does he behave around your wife? Does he whine to her as well? How does she handle him? Because from where I'm sitting, it sounds like your wife has kinda checked out as a marriage partner and as a mother. WHY?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

What does your wife do when you get home? Who cooks? Who cleans? Who does laundry? Why do you work on the weekends when your on paid time off?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokentroubled said:


> The problem is that there isn’t unity. I told my wife exactly this. That our son is controlling our lives and it needs to stop. I’m known to be the enforcer in the family. I set the bars for how I want my son to act to learn boundaries but, my wife reverses the work I put in by giving in to tantrums and allowing him to walk all over us.


Children are smart and figure out very early how to manipulate their parents. It sounds like your little guy has done a good job of this. While you are home with him a lot, you have the opportunity to change this. You are the adult. You should be in charge. This can be done gently. Children need parents to set strong boundaries.

I get that for you this stay home all day and parenting thing is hard. When my son was about your son's age, I quit my job and stayed at home with him for 3 years. This was while my husband ws doing his medical residency in another state. So we moved there with him. It took me months to learn how to deal with it. Once I got in a grove, things were much better.

You need to figure out ways to make this work better.

It sounds like your son is bugging you and wanting your attention every waking hour. Is this the case? One thing that I found to help with this was to invite another child over. It's a lot easier to take care of 2 children who are playing with each other. Children seldom get or carry COVID19. Is there another child, perhaps a neighbor, who could come play for a bit?

Someone mentioned you sleeping longer and then taking your son and the dog on a walk. This would help to calm your son down a LOT. Does your son have a bike? If so, let him ride his bike and accompany you on the walk. Is he getting any kind of outside play these days? If not, it could explain why he's so hard to handle.

Another thing that might help is to set an afternoon nap or movie time. Have him do something quiet. This would give you some time.

You say that you have to cook after your wife comes home. Get a crock pot and set it up every morning. It does all the cooking and would be done when she gets home. There are tons of crock pot recipes online.

Now about your wife, she does not get to decide if you get some alone time. Just make your schedule and tell her when you will get that time. She's not your mother. 

Your marriage is in trouble. There are two books that I think would help you get your marriage back on track.. "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The idea is for you to read them and learn how to make a marriage work.. and do the work that they suggest. Then ask your wife to read the books with you and to do the work together.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> you are the problem. I’ve raised two boys and a girl. My kids were never a problem. I took them wherever I went. We had great fun. When they pitched a tantrum or refused to follow instructions (incredibly rare) I spanked their rears.
> Kids should not be all this “headache” a you describe. If they are, it’s your own fault, you made them that way. Fix it.
> 
> kids should be a joy to be with. That’s why we have them. You need to get some training on how to handle your first grader. After all, your son’s teacher not only handles him, but 25 or 30 other kids just like him. And they likely don’t mind it. The problem is searing at you every morning in the mirror.
> ...


Yeah. He is not getting a break that is the issue.

He is working all week with his kid for school and working his job every weekend and not getting any time for himself.

He gets home after work on the weekends to immediately start child care as his wife has gone out to enjoy herself.

He is part of the problem by having been a door mat for her but everyone needs to stop once in a while.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Brokentroubled said:


> I haven’t gone out due to the pandemic. I have seen friends here and there but that’s about the extent of it. My wife doesn’t really care about covid and does as she pleases.
> 
> As for his school, I need to also pay attention because he loses track of what he’s doing and it’s my job to get him back on board.


So just get OUT of the house -- even if you just go to a nearby school and walk the track, go for a hike, go sit in your car someplace.. Go for a jog, etc.. Just let HER come home and YOU leave -- doesn't have to be anyplace others are.

I didn't say don't pay attention, but you do not need to sit on top of him. Just monitor him while you do other things.

I also don't get how you say your wife has the weekends to herself -- who watches your son?
I DO think you have some serious issues here with your wife distancing herself from you and the marriage. Hopefully what is good that came out of you home schooling is that it has woken you up to this.....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Well, I wouldn't advise locking him in his room!!!! But you could make a big deal about his new room (maybe decorate it with some new things) and just keep carrying him back to bed if he gets out. Maybe have to camp out in the hall for a night or two outside his room.


I thought, exactly this, camping out in the hall. Then I realized he would then 'camp out', too.
Plus, those two (the wife and son) are plenty ready for stronger medicine.

Locking the door is a last resort, of course. The son becomes a fire-death risk. Not good.

They need to stop babying him. 

Never baby a boy. 
Life is hard enough for strong children.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokentroubled said:


> Fair enough. But I will defend myself when people reply to my post.


Calling someone "garbage" is not ok. Name calling is against forum rules.

I posted a link to the rules below, please read them.

*Posting Guidelines - Forum Rules (2020) | Talk About Marriage*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I am presently Face Timing a four year old grand daughter, five days a week to keep her occupied and sane.

I give her Mom (and an older child's tutor) a break.

All she talks about is her Barbies, and her other toys.

The kid is terribly bored.

Do not tell my Martian kin.

Eff the Wuhan Virus!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> My boys are 20 and 17 and they pretty much never bother me when I'm in the tub/shower.


Uh, OK....


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Brokentroubled said:


> It’s not for everybody! Spending four weeks at home isolated with a 6 year old that has been affected by the pandemic and now has issues being alone and worrying about the virus alongside the fact he’s gone from in-class learning to remote learning is a lot for all of us. It’s a constant struggle keeping him interested in sitting at a laptop for 5 hours a day.


If it helps in a few years he will want nothing more than to sit in front of a lap top all day long.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Brokentroubled said:


> My wife, however, gets most of the weekends to herself. She usually goes out on Friday or Saturday night. This means I basically rush home to pick up my son from my MiL house or take over parenting so she can go out. I haven’t gone out with friends since the pandemic started. My free time is usually spent watching movies uninterrupted.


Let me get this straight. Your duty is to babysit the kid while your wife does a girls night out every weekend? Ain't no wonder she treats you like common labor and the best response you can muster is crying in the bathroom with the door locked. You need a self inventory to evaluate whether you have have what it takes to be a husband and father. Perhaps you'd be happier if you cut the dame and kid loose and get you an apartment and cat. From the way you describe her attitude, she's evaluated you and decided your whining and less than manly behavior does not give her a tingly feeling "down there".
Here's a starting place to begin your road to becoming a man again. Remember, time for yourself is not something you get because other think you deserve it and give you permission. Time to yourself is something you demand and take. Two, cut out the SAHD bullshyt. As sweet and political correct as SAHDs sounds, women have little respect and a lot of resentment after six or eight months of their husbands being a nanny. If you check the stats, the divorce rate of SAHDs is probably twice the rate of guys that act like men. Bottom line is the "romance' of a SAHD is all in your head dawg. If you can't see your old lady's had enough of your horse shyt and her sense of embarrassment when her associates find out her man is a SAHD, you need to ask the women what they think. Most of the guys already know.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Children are a pain, then they grow up and then they become sassy and a more expensive pain!!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Uh, OK....


You do realize that this was in response to another poster who said that her teenagers were always knocking on her door when she was in the shower/tub, right?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> You do realize that this was in response to another poster who said that her teenagers were always knocking on her door when she was in the shower/tub, right?


Of course.

A stupid remark, it was.

Sorry, my comical sense of humor often overrides any common sense I possess.
No foul intended.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Brokentroubled said:


> I haven’t gone out due to the pandemic. I have seen friends here and there but that’s about the extent of it. My wife doesn’t really care about covid and does as she pleases.
> 
> As for his school, I need to also pay attention because he loses track of what he’s doing and it’s my job to get him back on board.


You can still go out to the park, beach, woods, or jyst walk or bike in the neighborhood.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Livvie said:


> If your one child is in first grade, why haven't you been able to pee or take a shower by yourself?
> 
> Seriously. I was a SAHM. I had two boys, so a toddler and a breastfeeding infant at the same time. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, child care, running the home, toddler music classes, library time, etc etc etc for over a decade...
> 
> ...


I couldn't agree with you MORE.

OP, welcome to the lives of most women who NEVER get a damned break.

Ever.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I was also a SAHM when my kids were little. 

I didn't feel trapped because we had boundaries! 

My kids had bedtimes and slept in their beds or cribs since before they could crawl. I taught them to be independent according to their age. I didn't allow tantrums. They had alone time and they had to entertain themselves according to their age. 

I used tv, DVDs, tablets as a babysitter when I needed to do something like taking a shower, cooking, cleaning, needed a break, etc.

I went out by myself because we didn't have any family members close by. My husband went out by himself as well. No big deal, we knew this was the only way we could have some alone time until we could move closer to family.

You have to enforce boundaries with your child. He is the child, you are the adult. If he cries and throws a tantrum you stop it either by ignoring it or talking firmly to him. If your wife allows it, that's her problem, but the child should know you mean business. 

When your wife comes home from work you can leave for a walk or run. If you need it, go to a bar and have a drink! You have to get creative about getting time alone. I'm an introvert ads well but I don't cry in the bathroom! And I have told my kids to please "let me poop in peace!!!" They know my bathroom break is my alone time! 

We are all struggling with virtual learning. This is temporary. My house is a wreck! And kids are also struggling with changes and new ways of learning. Everyone needs a break. Take your break by figuring out what to do alone. Get a pizza for your wife and kid and leave the house! Even if you are just driving, get some music going and relax. 

Good luck!


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

[


Brokentroubled said:


> Hi. My sons school closed around two weeks ago, and I managed to get a ton of time off to stay at home with him until schools reopen, hopefully at the end of December. My son is in 1st grade and is doing fairly well with the online school stuff. I, however, am BURNT OUT!
> 
> I still go into the office on Saturday and Sunday to play catch-up. But once Monday comes back around, it’s non stop parenting and online education. I miss the routine of going into work every morning, and while me being a temporary SAHD has been fun, I feel lonely and somewhat detached from everything. Kinda like I’m missing adult time and feeling of isolation. I no longer get to do any of my hobbies, which are hiking, working out and video games, because of my sons schedule. Heck, I can’t remember the last adult tv show or movie I saw. It’s usually, and always, children shows and movies.
> 
> ...





Brokentroubled said:


> Hi. My sons school closed around two weeks ago, and I managed to get a ton of time off to stay at home with him until schools reopen, hopefully at the end of December. My son is in 1st grade and is doing fairly well with the online school stuff. I, however, am BURNT OUT!
> 
> I still go into the office on Saturday and Sunday to play catch-up. But once Monday comes back around, it’s non stop parenting and online education. I miss the routine of going into work every morning, and while me being a temporary SAHD has been fun, I feel lonely and somewhat detached from everything. Kinda like I’m missing adult time and feeling of isolation. I no longer get to do any of my hobbies, which are hiking, working out and video games, because of my sons schedule. Heck, I can’t remember the last adult tv show or movie I saw. It’s usually, and always, children shows and movies.
> 
> ...


Seems to me that the only solution to your problem is for you to GO BACK TO WORK! 

Your son's school closed at the beginning of December/end of November. What would you and your wife have done if you were BOTH working then? Would you have brought your son to your M-I-L's place? Hired a baby sitter? Brought him to a friend or other family member? Put him in a day care facility? 

The point is, that whatever you WOULD have done then, do NOW. It seems like you probably would have brought him to your m-i-l's place, and let her do the online learning with your son. If that's the case, DO IT. 

Seems like that would solve at least some of your 'time' issues.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

LosingHim said:


> For those wondering why he can't shower or go to the bathroom by himself.....my kids are 13, 16 and 19 and there's not a single shower or potty break where SOMEONE isn't knocking on the door asking a question, wanting to come in and talk or even the husband coming in to ogle while I'm in the tub nekkid. The ONLY time I get bathroom time alone is if I'm home alone (which especially during a pandemic - NEVER). Sometimes, it's as simple as a knock and "mom? You in there?" and when I ask what they want it's just "Oh, just wondering". Doesn't mean they need anything, but sometimes it's just like geez guys. Can I pee?


Lolol!!! YES...this happens here, with my ADULT children (early 20s)...!!!! 

I wake up around 5:30am so I can be ALONE for a few hours before everyone gets up!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The cry of a child can crack _wide open_ the hardest parent's head. 
The tone goes low, then high, then the wailing becomes so loud the pictures on the wall vibrate and shake.

In the summer, never open your windows when a child is having a tantrum.
If you do, expect some neighbor to call the police!

What good parent does not feel guilty to the core when this happens?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LisaDiane said:


> Lolol!!! YES...this happens here, with my ADULT children (early 20s)...!!!!
> 
> I wake up around 5:30am so I can be ALONE for a few hours before everyone gets up!!


Yeah, before Covid, all I could hear was, knock, knock, knock, then....... bang, bang, BANG.
Gran-pa, are you in there?

I would answer, "NO" !

Your' lying Gran-pa, I know you are in there.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, OP, I guess the message you're supposed to take away is to put your big boy panties on and stop whining because others have been doing this horseshit for eons and no one gave them a damn break. They walk on water, too. 

Who cares? They aren't you.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> In the summer, never open your windows when a child is having a tantrum.
> If you do, expect some neighbor to call the police!
> 
> What good parent does not feel guilty to the core when this happens?


I told my kids I have CPS on speed dial. If they are ready to call them, I can dial their number real quick.

I also told them, if that happens, be ready to be placed in the foster care system. 

My kids sometimes say I'm the strictest mom alive! They also say, there's no place like home.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Brokentroubled said:


> It’s not for everybody! Spending four weeks at home isolated with a 6 year old that has been affected by the pandemic and now has issues being alone and worrying about the virus alongside the fact he’s gone from in-class learning to remote learning is a lot for all of us. It’s a constant struggle keeping him interested in sitting at a laptop for 5 hours a day.





Brokentroubled said:


> I get up normally at 3:30am for work. I walk the dog and leave the house at 5 or 6. I’m not altering the time I get up now. It’ll make it difficult to go back to that when I go back to work. Also, it’s too cold in the morning to take my son on an early dog walk. He refuses to go. The dog needs a walk and I gotta take him.


He's 6 years old, he's a child! He doesn't get a vote. MAKE him go. Simple. Your child is running that house because YOU let him. Kids learn very quickly how to manipulate their parents.

I homeschool an ASD teen, have done for 5 years now. I know how frustrating it can be at times, but I am running the show, not her. She walks all over her father and bosses him around but she wouldn't dare try that crap with me. She's as good as gold for me.

You don't need to keep him sat at the laptop for 5 hours a day. At school, by the time you factor in PE lessons, recess and lunch breaks, pastoral care or religious ed, the actual learning part is only about 3 hours a day. With your day for him kicking off at 7am, you should be done by 10 - 10.30am and have the rest of the day free.

You're making it much harder on both of you than it needs to be.

Your wife going out so often with her friends instead of you is bs, you need to put a stop to that.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Vega said:


> [
> 
> 
> Seems to me that the only solution to your problem is for you to GO BACK TO WORK!
> ...


I dont know, it seems very unfair for a woman who is a lot older to have to do for ages what the OP cant do for 3 or 4 weeks.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Diana, if I was the husband of the MIL, I'd tell these two to piss up a rope and hire a nanny if they think the kid needs to be kept out of school.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> Diana, if I was the husband of the MIL, I'd tell these two to piss up a rope and hire a nanny if they think the kid needs to be kept out of school.


Well yes, it does seem a cheek to expect the MIL to do this when the dad was in tears in the bathroon after just 2 weeks. I mean, what a baby. 😕


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Diana, if I was the husband of the MIL, I'd tell these two to piss up a rope and hire a nanny if they think the kid needs to be kept out of school.


Absolutely.

This is the entitlement you see now a days. 

Grandma and grandpa are expected to babysit all the time for free! 

Hire a tutor, or a babysitter or whatever. Be a problem solver instead of locking yourself in the bathroom and cry! 

And the worse part is, this is temporary!!!


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

pastasauce79 said:


> Hire a tutor, or a babysitter or whatever. Be a problem solver instead of locking yourself in the bathroom and cry!


Well, that'll be the last time a man shows any vulnerability or weakness around here. Even if the actual advice is sound.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The thing about little kids.....

When they misbehave they are light enough to carry. 

Over the shoulder, into the wilderness we go!
Cry to the wolves, they will like it and quickly return the howls.

Do not lay down in the boat and bang about, don't kick up a fuss.
Don't scare off my fish!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Cletus said:


> Well, that'll be the last time a man shows any vulnerability or weakness around here. Even if the actual advice is sound.


I bet!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Well yes, it does seem a cheek to expect the MIL to do this when the dad was in tears in the bathroon after just 2 weeks. I mean, what a baby. 😕


The truth may not set you free.
The truth may cause many a man to flee!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

frusdil said:


> He's 6 years old, he's a child! He doesn't get a vote. MAKE him go. Simple. Your child is running that house because YOU let him. Kids learn very quickly how to manipulate their parents.
> 
> I homeschool an ASD teen, have done for 5 years now. I know how frustrating it can be at times, but I am running the show, not her. She walks all over her father and bosses him around but she wouldn't dare try that crap with me. She's as good as gold for me.
> 
> ...


I love it.
Taking the kid for a walk.

After ten minutes of walking the dog, he will forget his woes and get over it.

Tell him, "Daddy ain't raisin', no boys who are babies".
"Nope, tain't happnin!"

Twenty years later he will brag to his friends about it.
Mom's are wonderful, but Mom's don't have a ****!

Nor, should they be expected to.

IMO..


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

frusdil said:


> He's 6 years old, he's a child! He doesn't get a vote. MAKE him go. Simple. Your child is running that house because YOU let him. Kids learn very quickly how to manipulate their parents.
> 
> I homeschool an ASD teen, have done for 5 years now. I know how frustrating it can be at times, but I am running the show, not her. She walks all over her father and bosses him around but she wouldn't dare try that crap with me. She's as good as gold for me.
> 
> ...


^^ THIS! Stop letting your kid make the decisions. Their brains won't be capable of understanding the consequences of those decisions until they're like 25! Parent is a verb.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Well, that'll be the last time a man shows any vulnerability or weakness around here. Even if the actual advice is sound.


Sometimes you need a little bit of other people's perspective to realize how good you have it. His kid seems healthy, the OP seems healthy. Both parents still have jobs.

I understand, and I'd have more compassion if the situation was permanent, but to complain about something that has a solution and it's temporary, I'm sorry but I wonder what he does for a living because problem solving is not his forte.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

....and, many parents are stuck at home with more than one kid due to virtual learning, including me. Do you hear us complaining?

Parents are trying to work from home while kids are going crazy at home.

I needed a quiet work space to answer calls, I was muting my mic and yelling I needed my kids to be quiet!!! And then the dog was barking, and UPS ringing the doorbell.

It was a zoo!!! But I didn't cry!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

pastasauce79 said:


> ....and, many parents are stuck at home with more than one kid due to virtual learning, including me. Do you hear us complaining?
> 
> Parents are trying to work from home while kids are going crazy at home.
> 
> ...


Yes, this.

And in this situation it's _one_ child, he's not also trying to work at the same time, and it's only for 4 weeks!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When I am on conference calls my parrot 🐦 will sometimes participate by shrieking loudly.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If your kids get fidgety or drowsy during homeschool, do what they did in my school and have them stand up and do a hundred jumping jacks.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> If your one child is in first grade, why haven't you been able to pee or take a shower by yourself?
> 
> Seriously. I was a SAHM. I had two boys, so a toddler and a breastfeeding infant at the same time. I did all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, child care, running the home, toddler music classes, library time, etc etc etc for over a decade...
> 
> ...





Cletus said:


> I'm of two minds here.
> 
> On the one hand, taking off a month for parenting during a pandemic does seem like a "put on your big boy pants" and suck it up kind of problem. If you're not resilient enough to manage this for a stretch of 30 days, god forbid you ever lose your wife and become a single parent.
> 
> But on the other hand, if she gets to go out, so should you. You do need to strike an equitable bargain here for your free time. One is left to wonder why, with so little free time together, you two aren't trying to find better ways to spend it together on the weekends. Drop the kid off with grandma on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday and have a date, even if it's just dinner cooked at home and an adult movie. Or Sponge Bob. Whatever works.


Being a single-parent is rough. Typically, the stay at home parent feels that they are unappreciated, whereas the working partner gets fed up of getting home and doing the child duty and housework then.
Clearly, despite what people do on an emotional level, far fewer actually will actually do the housework full time. It is why being a working single parent is genuinely very tough.
Many posters on here are saying they did it for years on end. I suspect most are untrue and their partners would remember them having the evening off when both were home.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> Being a single-parent is rough. Typically, the stay at home parent feels that they are unappreciated, whereas the working partner gets fed up of getting home and doing the child duty and housework then.
> Clearly, despite what people do on an emotional level, far fewer actually will actually do the housework full time. It is why being a working single parent is genuinely very tough.
> Many posters on here are saying they did it for years on end. I suspect most are untrue and their partners would remember them having the evening off when both were home.


Mr,

OP isn't a single parent. He took 4 weeks off to remote school his one child. 

4 weeks.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr The Other said:


> Being a single-parent is rough. Typically, the stay at home parent feels that they are unappreciated, whereas the working partner gets fed up of getting home and doing the child duty and housework then.
> Clearly, despite what people do on an emotional level, far fewer actually will actually do the housework full time. It is why being a working single parent is genuinely very tough.
> Many posters on here are saying they did it for years on end. I suspect most are untrue and their partners would remember them having the evening off when both were home.


Yes being a single parent is tough, but the OP isnt.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Livvie said:


> Mr,
> 
> OP isn't a single parent. He took 4 weeks off to remote school his one child.
> 
> 4 weeks.





Diana7 said:


> Yes being a single parent is tough, but the OP isnt.


Yes. I understand that. 
Sorry, I wrote badly.
I suspect that a story of a woman whose husbad who did not lift a finger round the house would not be dismissed. And, rightly not. 
Equally, his reaction does seem over the top. Which likely means there is more to it, perhaps he gave up his job, is no not respected by his wife, get jip from the kid and is going a bit bonkers. 
A poster earlier wrote that this is what most women do all the time. I do not believe that, it is still custom that men play up their feckless, carefree side and women play up the victimed martyr side. In the UK, that is even more extreme than most places.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What is over the top is all of the responses that paint him as a crybaby and point out how rough they had/have it. How bloody marvelous they are at multi-tasking (which is well known that women do better). I hope the next time they have to take on a new routine and job that they give themselves more grace than they have given this member.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> What is over the top is all of the responses that paint him as a crybaby and point out how rough they had/have it. How bloody marvelous they are at multi-tasking (which is well known that women do better). I hope the next time they have to take on a new routine and job that they give themselves more grace than they have given this member.


People also omit that he is working long hours at the weekend as his "break". It is bound to be tough. Feeling disrespected would have made it worse.
I suspect he would have been treated differently as a woman writing that post.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Cletus said:


> I'm of two minds here.
> 
> On the one hand, taking off a month for parenting during a pandemic does seem like a "put on your big boy pants" and suck it up kind of problem. If you're not resilient enough to manage this for a stretch of 30 days, god forbid you ever lose your wife and become a single parent.
> 
> But on the other hand, if she gets to go out, so should you. You do need to strike an equitable bargain here for your free time. One is left to wonder why, with so little free time together, you two aren't trying to find better ways to spend it together on the weekends. Drop the kid off with grandma on a Saturday instead of a Wednesday and have a date, even if it's just dinner cooked at home and an adult movie. Or Sponge Bob. Whatever works.


This exactly. And why does your kid go to your mother-in-law's on the weekends? What does your wife do while you're at the office on weekend days?

Basically, you have 1.5 jobs to the one your wife has. If she was to post here about you bailing all weekend she'd be told you need to be an equal contributor. It goes both ways.

Saying you chose to stay home is a cop-out. With schools closed what are you supposed to do?

Besides not being an engaged parent, she's trying to enjoy her alone time out while leaving you stuck at home. This sounds fishy and it's possible she's getting or looking for some side action.

What was going on before schools closed? Who had the kid weekend days (and nights)?

How is the sex life? Who makes more income? She' might not be banging around, but she's at least sending strong signals that your contribution doesn't measure up and it's fair for you to basically work 7 days while she works five.

You need to understand why she's so cool to you and your child.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Again, this is 4 weeks of homeschooling one first grader.
> 
> 4 weeks. One first grader.
> 
> ...


Clearly he will. The issue here is why his wife feels entitled to just be gone and leave him doing the heavy lifting?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Brokentroubled said:


> She usually goes to her friends house and hangs out.


And you know this how? Is this friend a good influence?


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pastasauce79 said:


> I told my kids I have CPS on speed dial. If they are ready to call them, I can dial their number real quick.
> 
> I also told them, if that happens, be ready to be placed in the foster care system.
> 
> My kids sometimes say I'm the strictest mom alive! They also say, there's no place like home.


LOL me too


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Mr The Other said:


> People also omit that he is working long hours at the weekend as his "break". It is bound to be tough. Feeling disrespected would have made it worse.
> I suspect he would have been treated differently as a woman writing that post.


Agreed. It's not a competition. When someone feels overwhelmed by something small, it's likely about more than just that one thing; OP you haven't gone out with your wife in a while. And as a teacher, the regression and clinginess you're describing can sometimes be a reaction to the loneliness and isolation your son is likely feeling during distance learning, and a lack of time with peers. So you're noticing he's extra clingy and unmanageable and that's likely worrying you too. Plus you're juggling working at the weekends and homeschooling during the week. If you're finding it overwhelming I would consider syncing your breaks with your son's screen breaks. 

Are you getting exercize? Are you eating right? Sometimes caregivers forget to take care of themselves and we're all guilty of that, me included. But just in terms of mental wellbeing you will not be ok for your son or wife unless you take some me time. It doesn't have to be Friday nights out but you can and should work out a schedule with your wife where you BOTH have time for your me time. And then make time for you both to spend together, because marriages don't sustain themselves. 

As for your son, see if you can arrange some distanced playdates at the playground if you feel comfortable with that - kids need social time and staring at a bunch of rectangles doesn't qualify.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

She goes out both Friday and Saturday nights, without you? That is... odd. Doesn't she want a date night with you ever? Why can't she get one night and you get the other?


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Well, since it was MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCE, you can't call it generalizing, right?
> 
> YOU ASKED for opinion on a forum. I gave you mine. I'm still agast that you are complaining about homeschooling ONE first grader for a few weeks. Can't your "self care" wait? Millions of mothers don't get regular self care, for years. Suck it up.


Agree with this. I thought your response was reasonable and no one is "built" to stay home, you just do what you have to do in life, and he volunteered to do it so it's no one else's fault.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

pastasauce79 said:


> Sometimes you need a little bit of other people's perspective to realize how good you have it. His kid seems healthy, the OP seems healthy. Both parents still have jobs.
> 
> I understand, and I'd have more compassion if the situation was permanent, but to complain about something that has a solution and it's temporary, I'm sorry but I wonder what he does for a living because problem solving is not his forte.


Agree somewhat. But the larger context is that his wife is putting it all on him. I suspect she's been treating him like crap for a while and it's just too much now


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

Brokentroubled said:


> No no, you’re the type of person to say “whawhawha” to people with actual problems. Just stop whining and carry on is a crap reply to a situation you really have no insight on other than what I posted. You don’t know me. You don’t know if I’m an introvert or extrovert. You don’t weigh anything on a specific situation. Just throw out your personal opinion on something you feel strongly for that has completely different circumstances than your own. I’m thrilled it worked out for you!! Congratulations on being a SAHM to your kids!!! It’s not for everyone and your reply is basically to suck it up. It must suck for you to not have a life outside of your family. I don’t know whether I should feel sorry or admiration for someone that thinks “free time/ me time” is something parents don’t and shouldn’t get.


I'm not going to post further here after this post, because you are getting nasty with another poster who is being reasonable. I will tell you this ONE thing though, as a favor. If your wife is going our Friday and Saturday nights with her friends, and you get no nights, and she doesn't want to spend that time with you, than I'm betting she isn't spending it with her friends either. If you speak to people in real life the way you spoke to some of the people here trying to help you, I don't blame her for checking out, but I hope this doesn't turn messy for your kid.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Brokentroubled,

It's been strongly hinted at throughout this thread, but I'll put it out there again... You need to start demanding respectful treatment from your wife immediately. She doesn't get to dismiss your efforts to be at home with your son as less important than her work duties. She doesn't get to party all weekend while you scramble to work and care for your son. You need to stand up to her and tell her that your marriage won't last if she continues to treat you as subordinate to her.

Remove the current dynamic and make her choose between treating you well or being a single parent. Either way, you'll have her respect. And you'll be better off than you are now. 

Lastly, while I don't think your kid's weekdays need to be as demanding on you as you make them out to be, you do need to make sure he's the priority in your life. Every child needs that rock he or she can count on regardless of what's going on around you. For whatever reason, his mother is not interested in being around him. Yes that's a huge responsibility, but ultimately so worthwhile. You'll be glad you did it when your child looks up to you as the one who really matters, and your wife will pay the price.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

I am glad it has balanced out, but I think we lost the OP.
My previous wife did not really do house work and did not have a job, leaving it all to me. I told her I was not having that nonsense when she complained at me that I left cupboard doors open. The response on this forum was that I was a monster; she did all the housework (she did pretty much none), did a job (she had no job) and I was a slob.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Mr The Other said:


> The response on this forum was that I was a monster; she did all the housework (she did pretty much none), did a job (she had no job) and I was a slob.


Yeah, _projection really is a thing!_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Mr The Other said:


> I am glad it has balanced out, but I think we lost the OP.
> My previous wife did not really do house work and did not have a job, leaving it all to me. I told her I was not having that nonsense when she complained at me that I left cupboard doors open. The response on this forum was that I was a monster; she did all the housework (she did pretty much none), did a job (she had no job) and I was a slob.


Nature abhors a vacuum. If information isn't provided, assumptions will be made (it's still all your fault).


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Gabar said:


> In this situation the only person you should listen to is yourself. If you wanna check yourself, you should find anything on this site uk.jooble.org/jobs-amazon/Ipswich%2C-Suffolk and just try it. You will change environment and let new feelings in your life. In my opinion, it will bring many benefits to your personality growth.


Anyone in a marriage who only listens to himself is someone who will shortly have only himself to hear.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It actually sounds like your wife has checked out and found someone else. She is always gone. She is definitely having date nights, just not with you.

Your son need to learn to play and do things on his own.


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## Dru Onyx (Jan 9, 2021)

I really don’t get what is going on here, sounds more dysfunctional than anything. Now, I’m not saying I am better than you, but I have been at home with a first grader for over a month now full-time and take care of our 7 month old for the first half of the day. I can honestly say I love it and all the time we are spending together, it doesn’t need to be stressful unless that is the environment you are creating for your family. I don’t see why a 6 year would need to be sitting in front of a computer all day, I can’t imagine that is healthy. Are you forcing him to learn above what the school is recommending? My son does two blocks of online classes for about an hour each day and about 30 minutes of homework which consists of basic colouring or math. They are in grade one, they don’t need to be overloaded, just make sure they are starting the basics and you see improvement over the span of a couple months. I don’t need to be hovering over when he is doing it, I’d rather he be independent and figure it out on his own unless I can see he really needs me to fix the computer or find a page in his duo-tang. He contributes in his own and doesn’t need me being an overbearing parent.

I feel your priorities should be elsewhere with your son. More physical activity, we dance at home Just Dance on YouTube then go outside and play some sports for an hour. If I need some time he can play video games for an hour or FaceTime his friends. When the 7 month old takes a nap I tell my son it’s quiet time for a half hour and we watch a cartoon or play a board game. When I see them at the online class, there are parents who are sitting there with their kids taking it all in like they need to be there, just leave them alone and let them figure it out!

get a grip man, it’s only grade one. I get it , people are going to say it’s the foundation for his academic years ahead or this is where all the basics will begin. But 5 or 6 hours a day at homeschool?? That sounds very excessive. Or maybe I’m just a bad parent.


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