# New here and needing a little advice



## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

I found out 2 weeks ago that my husband had called en escort service and was "sexting" these people.
The initial shock was obviously heart breaking and extremly painful, but a little over a week later, I found out that he has been doing this "sexting" and erotic e-mail things through our entire marriage!!
I would have understood that he would have done things like that before I came along. But the problem is he never stopped. 
I only found out the first time because he had received a text at 11:30 at night, which was out of the ordinary. But when I told him i needed access to all his e-mails and phone records, reluctly he let me see his e-mails and thats when i found out the whole truth. Of course he lied to me intially, he was embarassed and ashamed. But continued his lies afterward. After giving him a self help book that tells helps the unfaithful understand what the faithful one has gone through, he seems to have turned a complete 180 and seems to be totally commited to fixing our relationship. But how long does my pain last? I have good days and bad days, hell even good minutes and bad minutes. Today I struggle with if this can even be fixed. Whats next? I feel closer to him than I ever have, but still have this nagging feeling that I can never trust him again. I've been through infidelity before, so why with all the knowledge I have to make it through do I still feel hopless? Please help!!


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

What you are undergoing is normal.

First read the newbies link at the start of CWI.

You have done well in giving him a book on the matter. And he is doing all that is necessary to a successful R.

How long does your pain last? Depending on what he has done and how much importance you give to that, it takes some months at the least.

If the A is physical and a long one, and the couple wants a recovery, it would take, 2-5 years.

Triggers are normal. You should understand this. As the time passes, triggers will less and less painful and one day they will be gone.

Take care.


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

AngryandUsed said:


> What you are undergoing is normal.
> 
> First read the newbies link at the start of CWI.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Angel475 I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but most men who turn to sexting, hookers, porn... rarely stop. They may for a while, but as it says, 'a dog always returns to it's own vomit'. I suggest you periodically check up on him. There are various ways to do so and some people here are much more adept than I to tell you how if you chose to do so. Most people who do these things go to extra lengths to not get caught again.


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you for the encouragement, I seem to be going through emotional pain here and there, but my physical health has declined. Which only makes things worse. I am fairly sure there was nothing physical in his affairs, but I still plan to get tested for std's so I know for sure I am not sick with something unspeakable. I will defiantly read the newbie link and hopefully get a little bit of relief. Somedays it's just so hard to bare and I'm just flat out tired. I hardly eat and don't sleep well either. It's good to hear this is normal, but I can't cant help but wonder where that line is when it becomes ''not normal" thanks for the help, sometimes it's just good to hear I'm not crazy....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Angel475 I'm not trying to make you paranoid, but most men who turn to sexting, hookers, porn... rarely stop. They may for a while, but as it says, 'a dog always returns to it's own vomit'. I suggest you periodically check up on him. There are various ways to do so and some people here are much more adept than I to tell you how if you chose to do so. Most people who do these things go to extra lengths to not get caught again.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

Thatbpguy, I do realize that he may not stop, we plan on going to marriage counseler and sex addition expert. (My first thought when I found out was sex addiction). I defiantly don't want to be in that relationship where 10 years down the road, I'm wondering what he's doing. For me the trust has to be restored without an Internet spy. I do have access to all e-mail and phone records. He has also changed his number and e-mail without me asking. Thank you for the heads up, but he has already been told by me several times, if I gotta find out he did this again without him actually telling me himself, IT'S OVER!!! I refuse to live my life in constant paranoia and pain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

He should get into therapy ASAP. Whether it's a sex addiction or just that he has narcissist tendencies, he needs to be able to get control over that before he can truly be a faithful spouse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> He should get into therapy ASAP. Whether it's a sex addiction or just that he has narcissist tendencies, he needs to be able to get control over that before he can truly be a faithful spouse.


Welcome. Sorry you had to come here, but glad you found us.

It will take time for you to feel better. I think couples counseling might help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Angel475,

Any updates? I'm in a similar situation and am interested in how your situation plays out. 

Hang in there,
TotallyUnexpected


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

totallyunexpected said:


> Angel475,
> 
> Any updates? I'm in a similar situation and am interested in how your situation plays out.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

Yes, we have a meeting with a therapist on the 15th of January, and I have even contemplated canceling it as things are going so well. But my husband said its best we go =) he has stopped looking at porn at my request also. I do find it odd that for it being a habit he has had for so long he stopped like it was nothing, but I check his e-mail, phone, web history everything everyday and I have not found a thing. It seems to be going very well. I try to keep that hope that he hasn't created another e-mail account or got another phone behind my back, but obviously the trust issue is going to stay awhile. He sees me struggle and always tells me how sorry he is. How he hates what this has done to me, and how the whole thing made him realize what he could lose. He is really trying to make this work. If your interested, the book I had him read was: how to help your spouse heal after your affair, by Linda macdonald. I feel it really has helped our relationship. I highly recommend this book for both persons in this situation.
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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

By the way, my husband never read a self help book, or even considered it. And he said this book has really opened his eyes to the pain he caused and showed him how to make thing better. He has actually started to read other self help books because of this books effect on his outlook on things
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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

angel: its good he realizes he needs some help for his betrayal. in a book i read it said a vase is broken, even if its in 100 pieces or 2 it is still broken.
i know from my experience that men try to justify their actions. my hubby had a little prob with pron about 12 years ago and i found out immediately and it stopped.
i have all his passwords, and access to his phone and tablet at any time i want and i periodically do check ups on him,...... so far nothing 

good luck


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## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Angel475 said:


> I feel closer to him than I ever have, but still have this nagging feeling that I can never trust him again. I've been through infidelity before, so why with all the knowledge I have to make it through do I still feel hopless? Please help!!


You should assume your husband has cheated on you in the real world too. It may or may not be the case, but play it safe and do some investigating. You have a very valid reason to invade his privacy - clearly you don't know what he's capable of.

Get an STD test, put a VAR in his car, key logger on his computer, and spying software on his phone. At the very least you'll gain some reassurance. Vigilantly monitor him for months, maybe even a year or two - he'll likely resume his activities once he thinks he's safe to do so.  Also, demand he attend marriage counseling as well as sex addiction therapy.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Angel, my H did the exact same thing to me. Escorts, sexting, sex forums, secret emails, secret cell phones. Except my WH acted on it. He had sex with prostitutes as well as female friends then entire time I was with him.  

So far, I've been a master spy. I believe that he has stopped for now... because I just caught him. He is highly motivated to cut this crap out (for now) because our marriage is hanging by a thread. But in all honesty, I don't think he is strong enough to refrain permanently and I think at some point down the line (5, 10, 20 years), he will do it again. Your WH has probably stopped too... for now. And I'm willing to bet that if he's been doing this throughout the entire marriage, he has physically acted on it. Brace yourself girl. I know you don't want to belive it, but you can't shut your eyes to it. Schedule a polygraph if you have to. 

Here's the problem for you: Now you know what he's capable of. You must ask yourself: can you live with that???


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## firedog1 (Sep 17, 2012)

My wife stopped for 28 years!


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

Thank you firedog1!!! Small comment but a positive one. I need encouragement and to see that it can get better. 
Update: we had our first session with a counselor and things went well. I was worried that my husband would go to this and automatically say he didn't like the therapist. Only because he is trying to avoid going. But he didn't!! He said he really likes him and is looking forward to our next session. He is enjoying and embracing the freedom he feels now that he is not hiding anything anymore. And anyone who knows my husband, knows he doesn't think that way. I can see the selfishness that he had before has faded and he is excited about changing and becoming a better person. So for all the negativity about this, please refrain. I came here for support, not to feel worse. And yes you all may think I am being naive, maybe I am. But I want to be positive and have faith that my marriage will work. My trust issues are still there, I still have outbursts of screaming and getting angry about what happened. And I have more bad days than good. But life goes on, you have to learn from it and take that lesson with you. My eyes and ears will always be open to the chance of infidelity again, but I refuse to let it control me. Letting it control me only shows him he has the control. He needs to know that if need be, I will make it on my own. And he is well aware that I can. Which only makes him work harder to keep us together. That to me, is love.
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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

It's been a while and maybe your not here anymore but I thought I'd let you know I divorced my husband. Eventually I found out he was accessing porn and escorts through Facebook and he was also sleeping with men. Who are crossdressers too, a long with any shemale or transgender he could find. You can't make this **** up. 
That was about 4-5 years ago. He was pretending to care the whole time. Definitely narcissistic and maybe a bit sociopath. I have been single ever since and I could be happier. I have no interest in dating or being in a relationship. Did he break me? Ya, I have some major trust issues. But I pick up the pieces and focus on what truly makes me happy. My son.
Hopefully things worked out for you. I don't wish that pain on my worst enemy.


Angel475 said:


> totallyunexpected said:
> 
> 
> > Angel475,
> ...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Angel475 said:


> It's been a while and maybe your not here anymore but I thought I'd let you know I divorced my husband. Eventually I found out he was accessing porn and escorts through Facebook and he was also sleeping with men. Who are crossdressers too, a long with any shemale or transgender he could find. You can't make this **** up.


Sadly, the minute I read your first post I knew he was faking the 'remorse' and simply pacifying you. I also knew he was lying his ass off to you, that he was going to continue cheating on you, and that he'd keep you snowed with his 'I'm a changed man!' persona until you eventually caught him again. And, I knew you'd catch him again.

I knew *all that *just from your FIRST post in this thread. I think I've been doing this for too long.

I'm sorry it turned out the way it did for you, but I'm not surprised at all by the outcome. Serial cheaters don't stop cheating. They just get a whole lot sneakier.

In the famous words of the Chump Lady, "Leave a cheater, gain a life."

Best decision you ever made to divorce this loser.

Good luck to you.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

*


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## Angel475 (Dec 25, 2012)

I have found that just about anyone will do anything for the right amount of money. I found he also had a secret bank account that started out with a half a million dollars from an inheritance from his grandmother that he was using to pay these people. It sickens me now just to think about how I actually knew nothing about him...He was not who I thought I married.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

It is ashame because he is just throwing everything away for a few thrills. I am sure his parents would be delighted to know where he is spending their money. You are better off without him


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