# Husband not in love with me / emotional affair, maybe more?



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Hello friends,

A THOUSAND APOLOGIES for this post being so long - tried to cut it down but there is so much to tell! I will get to the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" part, but there's a backstory I must tell first, please read and give any advice if you can:

I'm in my mid-thirties, and have been with my husband for 14 years (married for 9 years) with a preschool aged son. My husband has emotionally abandoned me for quite some time now - it's been about a year and a half. Prior to this he loved me so deeply, which I loved, however he also used to paw all over me and it was WAY TOO smothering. I like to be affectionate and show him love too, but not so intensely! He had to have sex at least once a week, no matter what. At times I have severe depression episodes, and also had brain tumors surgery with a lengthy recover period - even during these times he would attempt sex! Sometimes I would give in just so he could leave me alone, which made me even more depressed. He told me that this is why he turned from hot to COLD – said he couldn’t take the rejection anymore.

In October, I found suggestive pics sent to him by a co-worker and txt messages that to me prove he was having an emotional affair. When I confronted him he was angry and still shows anger about it. He keeps saying that it was not an affair and they are just friends that went "over the line" with their joking. But I found out she has also met him in Vegas when he went with his Mom and our son to visit family, and he's also gone camping with her and his friends(just found out about that too). He said he told me he was going to meet a co-worker in Vegas, but to me this is WAY inappropriate. He tried to hang out with her again a week after I told him that this needs to end. That's when I told him "Stop being friends with this *****, or it's over!" He was so mad that he DESTROYED his phone and was even more pissed at me. He seems to have limited contact with her now, but it still bothers me that he still says "hi" to her everyday.

After all this crap, I went to him and said maybe we can find a happy medium, and show more affection to eachother in ways that we BOTH want. That’s when he told me that he loved me in a different way. So I asked him, “Are you trying to say, ‘I love you but I’m not in love with you.?” That’s when he said YES.

After this I setup marriage counseling. Every time we went he ended up yelling at me & storming out at the end of every session. My therapist told me that he has such a huge “wall of resentment” up towards me that I needed to stop trying to make it work and let him make the next move. Well I did that, but after a month of counseling, with hardly ANY effort from him to "try" to make the relationship work and I couldn't take it anymore and left to stay with my parents. He told me "don't go" but he had NO real emotion behind it AT ALL. 

It's been a month and a half now and though he is friendly when I talk to him, he never calls me or try to setup any dates. He only tried one time in December but that was it. He is working major overtime right now to afford a new place of his own as our lease is up this month, but it seems like he doesn't care about fighting for our marriage. He says he is striving to make our marriage workd, yet he tells me he tries to stay busy to NOT think about our situation and the fact that he is alone most of the time. After me calling him on Christmas and crying about how there’s still no progress, we set it up so that I stay at our condo with him for a few days. But he told me after the first day that he feels “too much anxiety” when he sees me after coming home from work and wanted me to leave with our son! I told his ass to get a hotel room if he’s not happy with me being there, and he did just that! After that he verbally attacked me so much that I was scared to even sleep that night. He has since then apologized, but what was said was said, and I feel he's too far gone to recover this marriage.

There’s a lot more to this, but this is already too long. Any suggestions would be MUCH APPRECIATED, as I truly still love him and want us to make up, but feel like I am dying inside right now.  

Thank you and God Bless!


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Sorry you are here. Perhaps you can consider options and maybe a strategy and plan.

Like file for D and have him served. If he responds, become a crying mess at your feet and shows actual remorse for his adultery and wakes the F up - and wants to reconcile the marriage, end all contact permanently and forever and focuses only on you - then you can consider R. You then hold the D over his head, but can cancel at any time or continue the process.

You decide on R. He does all the heavy lifting and has to earn his way back to you. It will take years. The important part is absolute zero contact With OW for any reason. Forever.

He he accepts the D filing, you'll still have your answer. Protect yourself and prepare yourself emotional for the worst case.

This is one option. See a lawyer. Sometimes you need to be willing to end the marriage to save it. He'll take it seriously regardless of his response. Also, he's in an emotional fog. He's stuck on juvenile feelings and its a drug to him. Ending his relationship will take him through withdrawal. You need to understand this. He will hate you for stepping in between him and his make believe paradise full of unicorns farting rainbows. 

Others should be along shortly and offer more advice and thoughts.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Let's see, you rejected him sexually, withheld affection, acted like his very reasonable needs were unreasonable. And now you're surprised and mad that he found a replacement. Why were you even married? Sounds to me like he's gone and happier for it. Let him go and move on with your life.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let's see, you rejected him sexually, withheld affection, acted like his very reasonable needs were unreasonable. And now you're surprised and mad that he found a replacement. Why were you even married? Sounds to me like he's gone and happier for it. Let him go and move on with your life.


Maybe, but sex with brain tumor surgery recovery? That's mature. He might be HD and she's Medium D - MD. 

There is no excuse for infidelity. None. If he wanted to move on, there are proper ways like Divorce first.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Sprite,

It seems from your descriptions that he also exhibits signs of BPD with Narcissistic traits as well. Q tip has given you the most plain and direct course of action, File for Divorce!!!

This wall of resentment your MC suggests is called Compartmentalization, a way of segregating your marriage from his "Other" life and install a rationalized thought process of blame upon you to justify to himself that his actions have merit and what he is doing is not wrong. 

File for D, Detach and get the hell away from him. Trust me, us, and all that follow, this is the best course of action you can take. It allows you to regroup, refocus and plan for the future without having the cloud of stress from his actions hovering above your head. Once served he will either cave to your demands, not requests, or ignore them, keeping you from the realm of limbo and at least giving you an end date to this debacle.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Maybe, but sex with brain tumor surgery recovery? That's mature. He might be HD and she's Medium D - MD.
> 
> There is no excuse for infidelity. None. If he wanted to move on, there are proper ways like Divorce first.


 It also does not legitimize his need to be verbally assaultive.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

loveSprite said:


> My husband has emotionally abandoned me for quite some time now - it's been about a year and a half.
> 
> At times I have severe depression episodes, and also had brain tumors surgery with a lengthy recover period - even during these times he would attempt sex! Sometimes I would give in just so he could leave me alone, which made me even more depressed. He told me that this is why he turned from hot to COLD – said he couldn’t take the rejection anymore.
> 
> ...


WHAT in the world do you still love about him? Sounds like he's been working very hard to destroy your marriage.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let's see, you rejected him sexually, withheld affection, acted like his very reasonable needs were unreasonable. And now you're surprised and mad that he found a replacement. Why were you even married? Sounds to me like he's gone and happier for it. Let him go and move on with your life.


What happened to the idea that the BS is never responsible for the WS's affair?


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

loveSprite said:


> I feel he's too far gone to recover this marriage.
> ...
> There’s a lot more to this, but this is already too long. *Any suggestions would be MUCH APPRECIATED*, as I truly still love him and want us to make up, but feel like I am dying inside right now.
> 
> Thank you and God Bless!


End it and don't look back. And then get yourself into IC to recover and fix your man picker. Do not get into a rebound relationship but wait a long time to heal, grow, recover.

I'm so sorry for your pain...


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> What happened to the idea that the BS is never responsible for the WS's affair?


That's a TAMism. I've always thought that there's plenty of responsibility to go around. Nobody lives in a vacuum. 

In this case I'm not really convinced that there's an affair anyway. I am only convinced that there's a husband who has reached the end of his rope and is ready to walk away. Her accusations merely gave him a convenient out.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ah, so when a man ignores his wife's needs for years, it's ok if she cheats on him. Got it.


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Where did anyone say the cheating, male or female, was okay? All that was said is that years of deplorable action and withholding/ withdrawing took place and the question was proposed that the OP is now surprised at the H checking out and moving on after this? No where was it said the actions of the H were acceptable, justified, or OK.

Please don't turn this into a male bashing thread about double standards.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Ah, so when a man ignores his wife's needs for years, it's ok if she cheats on him. Got it.


I think when that happens, he has a hand in it, yes. I don't think he's completely blameless if he ignores her needs for years. Say a man abuses his wife for years. She's afraid to leave but eventually has an affair. I'm not saying she was right to have an affair, but I do think he has some of the responsibility for it. 

I realize that the BS's of TAM hate the thought of this and shut down every poster who dares to express it....which is why it seems like TAM policy that BS's are blameless saints 100% of the time and WS's are the devil 100% of the time. I just don't happen to agree.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

WorkingOnMe has a point, but could probably be a little more compassionate about it.

To his point, yes, it sounds like LoveSprite did neglect one of if not his most important need for a long time, though she probably had no idea how destructive and damaging that was for him and the marriage. It sounds like he is a very physical touch oriented person, in that physical touch with a partner can literally equate to feelings of love. Being rejected repeatedly is 10x more draining for someone like that. So yes, I'd say she at least had a hand in what has happened.

It's also not fair to blame her for most of this, or even half of it. As was said above, what he has done is flat out wrong regardless of any other circumstances. He absolutely STILL IS engaging in the definition of an "emotional affair" and there is absolutely ZERO chance that the marriage is salvageable as long as he still denies that what he has done is wrong, tries to blame her for the affair, or insists on being able to see her in any capacity. Honestly, due to his actions since the separation began, I feel pretty confident that he has actually escalated the affair in some capacity, likely to a physical level.

In this scenario, I agree with a few others above, I think the best thing you can do, especially after having given the temporary separation some time, is to go file for divorce. What your husband needs, if he cares enough anyway, is a wake up call. He seems to be the type willing to live in denial, so he needs to realize that his actions have now led to divorce, that it WILL happen unless he decides to do something to change it. Maybe he breaks down in tears and comes clean about everything and commits to changing. Maybe he just gets angrier and storms off, accepting it. In any case, you'll be better off.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let's see, you rejected him sexually, withheld affection, acted like his very reasonable needs were unreasonable. And now you're surprised and mad that he found a replacement. Why were you even married? Sounds to me like he's gone and happier for it. Let him go and move on with your life.


Hey *WorkingonMe:*

Geez, I'm new to the forum and was just trying to ask for some help, not get bashed for it! 

*CDBaker * was right, you could have been more COMPASSIONATE in your reply. LOL, you made me laugh a little because you remind me of one of those mean spirited TROLLS on Yahoo! Answers. It's amazing how people like you attack others seeking help, pointing the finger and trying to make them feel bad. You and my husband might belong to the same Grand Poobah chapter. :nono:

I respect both sides of viewpoints, but you were just a *jerk *about it.

So I see, you're in a similar situation, and you're of course the husband counterpart with the same viewpoints that my husband has. I saw a few of your posts venting about your situation. Don't put my situation down because you want to VENT. No one posted a rude reply but YOU. Grow up.

I'm not even going to explain my side to you. You were so RUDE you're not even worth the time.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Ouch. 

Probably deserved, but lots of folks here are hurt in different but similar ways. They can be rough, but offer some help, maybe not as nice as they could be. They are under stress and crap leaks out sometimes.

Maybe he saw similarities and reacted to it.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Lol the reality is I'm your best source here for insight into ow your husband thinks and feels. If you just want to complain to the choir, feel free to. But you can learn a lot from me. A lot about your husband, if you're interested in him.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

To *Qtip, IIJokerII, Blonde, cdbaker* and others who have given such great information and viewpoints:

Thank you very much for your sympathy, caring and responses. I have looked them all over and all give great advice from both sides of the coin. I couldn't give all the detail of my ordeal since I didn't' want the post to be longer than it was, but my after my surgery it took about 2 plus years to recover. Add high work stress with that and it makes it even harder! I had to take Prozac for the work stress, so my libido greatly decreased as well. I talked and _talked _with him about the recovery time period and also the antidepressant side effects, and asked him to try to work with me. And he tried to be patient for a while, but I guess sex was just too important and he couldn't come at peace with it, realize that this time will pass and still keep the same romantic love for me. 

He wasn't the best caregiver either. He would watch me but never really check on me and chat with me when I was in ICU or resting at home. I'd have to ask him to pay attention when the head surgeon came in and discussed my day-to-day progress! I would be struggling to get up from fatigue and he would just sit there. Sure I'd ask him to help me out, and he would do it, but it got discouraging to have to ask him every time when I was in front of him!

I tried to up my stamina and give him as much love as I could in the way that I could. I even thought about female viagra, but of course, they don't make that.  So what's a woman to do?

I will admit, I've said some hurtful things that were devastating to him, like I could only handle like 50% of his love if the other half was groping, fondling and having sex. That hurt him, and I can understand that. But what hurt me more was him seeing me not enjoying the sex and _still doing it_. I always thought, "How could somebody DO THAT?" I could understand if I was healthy and work was less stressful, but that wasn't the case. But you couldn't tell him that. He just points the finger at ME and does not want to accept it.

He also blames me for money issues, and the fact that we don't travel as much as he wants to. But he never saw the fact that after the honeymoon period, reality stepped in and there were things at home that we had to take care of. I know I could have traveled with him more and saved better as well, but it has been so hard with all of these ordeals that have happened. 

I am a student of Mindfulness, and love Eckhart Tolle's principles of focusing on the present and not dwelling on the past. I used to always tell him when he offended me and what I felt was wrong. I know that was stressful for him too. But I've told him of this and my new ways, and have offered to put the past behind me and move forward with him. But all he DOES is dwell on the past, and won't change his thinking at the present. Day by day I'm accepting more and more that I am powerless to change his mind. Only HE can change his mind.

I am still in the initial grieving period of it all, and am thinking of all my options. If I see no improvement after a few months (and ONLY a few), I will then file for divorce. I've also been going to Intensive Outpatient Therapy, so I've learned a good amount of coping skills. *Qtip *is right, it will take years - but if he's really showing remorse and what not I can try and be patient with this. I just want my son to have both his mommy and daddy together again. He's really suffering through this. 

Thanks again all!  HUGS


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Q tip said:


> Ouch.
> 
> Probably deserved, but lots of folks here are hurt and different but similar ways. They can be rough, but offer some help, maybe not as nice as they could be. They are under stress and crap leaks out sometimes.
> 
> Maybe he saw similarities and reacted to it.


Yeah Qtip, I think that's what he did. I didn't want to post that but I just couldn't allow that when I'm trying to just ask for help. I'm really open to other sides of the coin as well - *cdBaker *posted a few points from what could be my husband's side, and I respected that and appreciated the information. But this other guy was just mean spirited. If he wasn't so negative I would have been more than happy to get his point of view. I'm trying to understand my husband as much as I can without picking his brain since he might blow up at me again!

BTW, I posted a reply thanking everyone for all of their help and a few more details, but I'm waiting for it to be approved. Not sure why it has to be approved, but it's on its way guys!


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

IIJokerII said:


> Sprite,
> 
> It seems from your descriptions that he also exhibits signs of BPD with Narcissistic traits as well. Q tip has given you the most plain and direct course of action, File for Divorce!!!
> 
> ...


Thanks so much *IIJokerII *for the insight! All you wrote makes perfect sense. I also think he has Narcissistic traits as well. I'm glad you also introduced Compartmentalization to me. It's good to finally put a definition to it  After discussing the last incident we had to my group, my counselor today said that he needs help too, for our and HIS OWN issues. 

I'll admit, it's scary to think of Divorce for the both of us. I can tell he's shuddering from it himself. But I did leave and I'm trying to detach now, still working on it, but it's just really hard when you still love someone and have all the time invested. But I'm still pressing on! :smthumbup:


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Let's see, you rejected him sexually, withheld affection, acted like his very reasonable needs were unreasonable. And now you're surprised and mad that he found a replacement. Why were you even married? Sounds to me like he's gone and happier for it. Let him go and move on with your life.


In my opinion your remark is extremely unreasonable.

His wife had a truly _remarkable_ disease. Not only did it give her a brain tumor... *it also stopped his hands from working so that he could take care of his own needs when his wife was too sick to even consider having sex.*


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

loveSprite said:


> Yeah Qtip, I think that's what he did. I didn't want to post that but I just couldn't allow that when I'm trying to just ask for help. I'm really open to other sides of the coin as well - *cdBaker *posted a few points from what could be my husband's side, and I respected that and appreciated the information. But this other guy was just mean spirited. If he wasn't so negative I would have been more than happy to get his point of view. I'm trying to understand my husband as much as I can without picking his brain since he might blow up at me again!
> 
> BTW, I posted a reply thanking everyone for all of their help and a few more details, but I'm waiting for it to be approved. Not sure why it has to be approved, but it's on its way guys!


I think it's a caution from the moderators? If you end up calling someone names or other infractions, you end up under their magnifying glass for a bit. No worries, the Sun is not out.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Lovesprite, it would seem that there is so much resentment on both sides.

I will offer you my persepective from a mans point of view. For whatever reason your husband has obviously lost his desire for you.

Coupled with the fact that you have offered little to no consequences for his foul behavour.

In short this man thinks he can do whatever he wants and get away with it as consequences are minimal.

I suggest if you truly want to save your marriage you first must be prepared to capsize the boat if need be.

Find a good lawyer File for Divorce have your husband served and take it from there.

Once the reality of the situation sinks in to him, only then do you stand a chance of reconcilliation.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Q tip said:


> I think it's a caution from the moderators? If you end up calling someone names or other infractions, you end up under their magnifying glass for a bit. No worries, the Sun is not out.


Hmmm, I guess so. The post still isn't on here yet. Oh well, I'll give it another day and if it's not on yet I'll post another big thank you


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> In my opinion your remark is extremely unreasonable.
> 
> His wife had a truly _remarkable_ disease. Not only did it give her a brain tumor... *it also stopped his hands from working so that he could take care of his own needs when his wife was too sick to even consider having sex.*


Thanks *MattMatt*! I just wish my hubby had the same sympathy and empathy that you have.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Lila said:


> lovesprite, why do you want to stay with your husband? He sounds like a selfish ahole.


Good question Lila! Well, it's not that easy to let go, not just yet. I guess if I saw him with another woman in the "act", or kissing her, etc., it would have been easier to just let go instantly. But there still would have been major grief in all the stages, just like I am going through now.  I'm doing a lot of work on myself however, and learning to *love myself* more and also learning to be okay with going about life solo. Once I have this goal set at least 60% of the way, I think that's when I can take this marriage or leave it! 

When I started telling other women that I confided in about my situation, a lot of them, young and old, said "ME TOO!" And told me of their stories of woe. And a lot of them didn't leave their marriage! 

My counseling group alone has about half of the people in it women that were cheated on by their husbands or long time boyfriends! But I must be fair, men get cheated on too: One man in the group got left by his wife for another man, turned his kids AGAINST him, and kicked him out of the house!

I think there are *more men* out there that get cheated on too, but alot of them don't get help for their grief after they find out.

There were so many women, I couldn't believe it. It made me feel I wasn't alone, but also very sad that this same crap happens again, and again, and again.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Sports Fan said:


> Lovesprite, it would seem that there is so much resentment on both sides.
> 
> I will offer you my persepective from a mans point of view. For whatever reason your husband has obviously lost his desire for you.
> 
> ...


You're right *Sports Fan*. There is resentment on both sides. I took a good look at myself today, and realized that I called him out on alot of things I thought was wrong in the relationship. That can scorn a man if it's done too often. I'll change that in my next relationship for sure. Can't sweat the small stuff.

I don't think I didn't offer him consequences for bad behavior. During times that he treated me bad, for the most part I yelled, gave him the silent treatment at times, or just slept on the couch if I wanted no parts with him. One thing I did do wrong, however, was give him too much freedom to have alot of friends of the opposite sex. He always had more "girl" friends than "guy" friends - he was with me almost 24/7 during our dating period, so I'm pretty sure he wasn't messing around with any of them. And I didn't want to have that rule since I wanted to also have the freedom to have as many guy friends as I want. But since this happened, if we reconcile, rules have to start being set!

Once I found out about the affair I ranted about it and as a consequence asked for a separation...but then I took it back once I cooled down and offered stay for another month or so to try to work out these issues. But he just took advantage of commitment and only tried to make a difference 1%, so that's when I took my queue and separated for real. And I am NOT backing out of it until he changes his ways.

Thanks for your recommendation as well.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loveSprite said:


> Thanks *MattMatt*! I just wish my hubby had the same sympathy and empathy that you have.


We rarely have sex these days as my wife's quite ill. So, I look after myself when I have to.


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Since I'm confident that he's still engaged in the emotional affair, you should understand that he's not really spending much time thinking about you, unfortunately. In the "Affair cloud", everything about the other man/woman feels wonderful while everything about your partner feels exhausting, aggravating, even offensive, etc. He isn't calling, setting up dates, or making any effort because his emotional energy is focused on her, and his emotional needs are being met by her.

It's very possible that when the relationship crumbles (affairs very rarely lead to successful long term relationships) that he will come back to you in some fashion, or try to anyway. Either way, I still think you'd be best to at least meet with a lawyer to start the divorce process. I honestly think that is the best thing you could do, whether your goal is to save the marriage or not.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> Since I'm confident that he's still engaged in the emotional affair, you should understand that he's not really spending much time thinking about you, unfortunately. In the "Affair cloud", everything about the other man/woman feels wonderful while everything about your partner feels exhausting, aggravating, even offensive, etc. He isn't calling, setting up dates, or making any effort because his emotional energy is focused on her, and his emotional needs are being met by her.
> 
> It's very possible that when the relationship crumbles (affairs very rarely lead to successful long term relationships) that he will come back to you in some fashion, or try to anyway. Either way, I still think you'd be best to at least meet with a lawyer to start the divorce process. I honestly think that is the best thing you could do, whether your goal is to save the marriage or not.


UPDATE: 

Thanks everyone again for the feedback, here's an update on how things are presently:

You know *cdBaker*, I went back to your initial post and after reading it and also this most recent one, I come to see that you are spot on.

From his actions of still not giving a f*** about me, and his uncontrolling rage that still comes up EVERYTIME we talk about our relationship, I think that you are totally right about him still being attached to this other woman. Plus now I found out that he told his mom that I have HIT HIM in the past. I can't BELIEVE he did this! As much as we play fighted and roughhoused over the years, I'm absolutely apalled. His mom was physically abused by her past lovers, so him telling her this is SERIOUS and appalling, and of course makes her think I'm an abuser too, I'm sure of it. He said I hit him in the balls a few times with my hand when he said something offensive while watching TV, and then said, "You deserved it." I admitted to that, and know that this was taking it too far. And I know he of course didn't like it, but c'mon, abuse? He kicked me in the head before! He pinned me down I don't know how many times and once made my mouth bleed, and hurt me in "delicate" places as well! We had a big falling out over this, and when he tried to conclude the conversation by yelling, "THIS IS IT, I'M THROUGH WITH THIS CONVERSATION, WE'RE DONE WITH THIS, IT'S OVER," I replied to him in anger, "Yeah, it *is * *OVER*." We are still talking cordially, but he's taken it to the "baby mama" or should I say "baddy daddy drama" phase, and I don't think I can deal with this. 

But alas, even with this new level of nastiness, I guess now I'm in the "regret phase" after separating. And I'm reflecting on what I've done to have caused him to turn on me like this. Though I talked with him about our problems with "affection" over and over, he didn't give, and I didn't give unless I absolutely had to fulfill his needs. I wish to God I could turn back and change everything, but I really can't see how I could make love to him more when my libido was Ka-put. Well, I know that I could have I guess did more foreplay with him, or at least went with him to more venues, even if I was tired. Maybe that could have helped make it up, I dunno. But it's a two way street. I just can't fathom how someone can just not see the surgery and deep depression I had as something serious. But I've yet to master understanding the opposite sex, but I'm learning alot of things since all this crap went down.

All I know is that I have told him over and over that I wanted to start anew, and that I regret hurting him, but he's too far gone to reach right now, maybe ever.

Just yesterday we moved everything out of our condo, so there's no need for contact other than financial and parenting reasons. It's hard, but I'm pushing myself to make sure that I will do the best I can to execute "NO CONTACT" as much as possible. For example, on the day that we normally transfer our son to each other, I'll make sure to drop off my child at daycare if I can, so I won't see my husband. I can do this and not see him for a full MONTH or more if I'm diligent about it! 

Thanks again everyone, and may God Bless us all! <3


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> We rarely have sex these days as my wife's quite ill. So, I look after myself when I have to.


I pray for you and your wife, my friend. Many blessings.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

loveSprite said:


> I pray for you and your wife, my friend. Many blessings.


Thank you. 

God Bless you.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Hit a guy in the balls? I think I'd remember that for a long time. A few times? I'd sit a distance away or wear a cup. That can't be good. 

Any abuse by anyone is not good. Mental,physical,metaphysical... Ouch. Although the guy should be tougher to take something, he is to never hurt his W.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Q tip said:


> Hit a guy in the balls? I think I'd remember that for a long time. A few times? I'd sit a distance away or wear a cup. That can't be good.
> 
> Any abuse by anyone is not good. Mental,physical,metaphysical... Ouch. Although the guy should be tougher to take something, he is to never hurt his W.


Thanks *Q-tip* for your reply.

The thing is, we’ve always had a raunchy kind of humor when we joked together and often took it over the line. When we were younger, I thought it was fun and hilarious, us joking like porn starved teenagers. We watched a lot of Harold and Kumar type of stuff, told those type of jokes. So the ball hitting thing I guess was like a “play hit” to me, like when you hit your partner with a light swat if he/she says something in jest, and you’re like “don’t say that!” …with a chuckle. Of course we hadn't joked like that in a while since "life" got in the way, so in that sense he must have been off guard when I did it.

I just didn’t know he thought it was abuse. Out of the blue he escalates this now? I REALLY think he's just saying it's abuse to get more people "on his side" so to speak. It's really petty IMO, I don't go around telling people that he "raped" me since I know it was pressured sex and the situation was complicated! Well if he truly did love me then he wouldn’t hold on to this so much. I can understand if I slapped or punched him in the face of course, he’d had every right to hold onto something like that. But whatever, I just know I will NEVER play like that again with another mate, if I ever have one...

UPDATE: This morning I was obsessively looking up advice online for my “situation,” and suddenly I had the urge to check my husband’s phone activity. I haven’t done this for about a month since I’m trying to let go of all this crap, but this time I couldn’t help myself. Well lo and behold, I saw that his “emotional mistress ho” CONTACTED him on the day we moved out of our shared condo! She texted him about 3 times in the evening. I spied some more and saw that the following Sunday they talked for about 40 minutes. She called first then he called second. This is the first time they've had phone activity since I started moving out during the holidays. Kinda funny how it started the DAY that we were finally through living together 

You know, I’m really feeling like she’s trying to push this relationship, but it really doesn’t matter if she is or not, he’s ALLOWING all this, therefore he WANTS IT!! 

I was in a mess after this, depressed for most of the day. I’m sure it was because I have this damned “hope” still in my heart that we’ll patch things up(I'm trying to DESTROY it, but it will only go away when it's damned ready to). However, I started to look at the past notes I had from our counseling sessions. They made me remember the verbally abusive punches he made at me during counseling, and how bad it was. Suddenly, I felt a huge lift because I then remembered how toxic this marriage has become, how he is 200% scorned, has completely resisted to start anew and how he refuses to forgive and believe that things CAN get better! I was able to push on after that, because it made me realize that I REALLY have to get myself together again so I can create a more peaceful and loving life for myself and my darling son, with just only ME to make myself happy.

You know it’s really funny: Being that he had female friends as a majority (he had a lot of female influence and no male role models when growing up), I remember he specifically told me more than once that if he ever had a female friend and saw that it was going “too far” with her, he would end the friendship IMMEDIATELY. I wish I would have remembered this “promise” when I told him to give her up. All he did was get madder and madder at me, and he’s still in contact with her! Guess he forgot his promise, huh?

Namaste,

loveSprite :smthumbup:


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sorry to hear this LoveSprite, but not terribly surprised either unfortunately...

One thing that I think you might find comforting, since you are still hopeful for the marriage surviving (and I can't blame you a bit) is to remember that deciding to file for divorce does not mean that your marriage is over, it only means that you are starting a process that takes a lot of time to complete. That process will either end in final divorce, or it can end with it delivering your husband a major wake-up call that shows him the reality of what his decisions are causing and that you clearly won't put up with it. Only with him being genuinely committed to a reconciliation will a genuine reconciliation be possible, and a divorce filing can help guide him towards that decision.

You certainly don't want to count on it, but I know it was comforting for me to realize that filing for divorce didn't mean I was giving up hope.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> Sorry to hear this LoveSprite, but not terribly surprised either unfortunately...
> 
> One thing that I think you might find comforting, since you are still hopeful for the marriage surviving (and I can't blame you a bit) is to remember that deciding to file for divorce does not mean that your marriage is over, it only means that you are starting a process that takes a lot of time to complete. That process will either end in final divorce, or it can end with it delivering your husband a major wake-up call that shows him the reality of what his decisions are causing and that you clearly won't put up with it. Only with him being genuinely committed to a reconciliation will a genuine reconciliation be possible, and a divorce filing can help guide him towards that decision.
> 
> You certainly don't want to count on it, but I know it was comforting for me to realize that filing for divorce didn't mean I was giving up hope.


*
Sorry everyone for the late reply - I've been contemplating what I was going to say, and yes it did take a few days! *

Thanks so much for replying *cdbaker*, and giving me such empathetic and considerate advice! It really means alot.  And thanks to everyone that has contributed to this thread and helped me with great advice, from both points of view.

I know everyone has been telling me to file for divorce. And I know this is the best and most productive strategy. The thing is I'm really scared to do it, because it's a risky one! I'm afraid that if I do file, he will be in such extreme rage that he will go through with the divorce full throttle, and do anything he can to make my life a living hell! And then, knowing my personality, I would regret filing it and not going through with giving him a few months WITHOUT the divorce decree to cool off and try again with me. 

So I'm sure y'all are saying in your heads, "Why the hell would you wanna stay with someone like that, who you know for sure might act in that way towards you? Wake up girl!" I know* I WOULD* if I was trying to give advice to _me_. It's just that this is still so new to me and fresh in my mind. I think if how long it's been that I moved back with my parents: Only about 2 months approximately. Sometimes I even still pinch myself to see if I'm dreaming this nightmare of a life. Plus I just remember a man who was so head over heels in love with me - up until a year and a half ago he was SO in love still. He'd even dress in the same color as me when we'd go out so that we'd match as a couple! He'd never tell me that's why he was doing it, but I knew he did because of his love for me.

I guess I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that he has changed COMPLETELY. This is not the man I married. When all the huge crap started, I’d listen to Ben Harper's "Widow of a Living Man" almost every day because it described my pain so much.

I just never thought in a million years that he would completely abandon our marriage if I moved out! This is was supposed to be time for him to sort out his feelings, not to act out, sample females and neglect me! I see threads on this forum where couples have stayed living together through the "I'm not on love with you" tragedies. Some made it through with success, some worked on it until one spouse finally stated that they wanted a divorce. But they never escalated the situation with the action of the “not in love” receiver moving out like I did. At least I haven’t seen that yet in my searches. But I did what I did, and I know it was for the best. If I hadn’t left I would have caused serious harm to myself I believe. But having to face the fact that he is NOT thinking about me and is still is preoccupied and talking to that ***** really is starting to wake me up – and I’ll comment on this in the next post I write.


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

*UPDATE*: I wrote the prior post above about 5 days ago, but was reluctant to post since I know these feelings I have are really showing weak character IMO. But good “get over him” news: Just yesterday I started feeling pretty okay, and a bit relieved that I’m no longer with him! I had an argument with my Dad, and was so pissed at him I left the house and sat in a parking lot to think at night time. Somehow my anger at my Dad triggered thoughts of my husband, I guess because Dad was being selfish and inconsiderate like my husband is acting. I thought of how my husband KNOWS ALL about me having to go to Intensive Outpatient Therapy over the pain he had caused, and NEVER ONCE called me to check on me. He only responded and offered comfort if I CALLED HIM and expressed my pain. And his responses have been considerate, but still how can I BE with someone like that? I know people say that’s just how men are, but I just can’t accept that. I deserve better! Heck, ALL of us do!!!  I know it will take a miracle from God for us to get together again, and an Angel will have to soften his heart. But until that ever happens, I’m just finding acceptance with the fact that I will be alone for a long time, maybe forever! But in time I’ll get used to it I’m sure. I'm already seeing myself in the next year or two in my own house, living with my son, and being very much AT PEACE. 

Time is definitely healing my wounds. After these horrid life events, I NEVER believed I would ever get to a point of calmness and peace again. Deep inside I knew I would get over this someday, but I just couldn’t see even a dim light at the end of the tunnel. But now I’m seeing at least a spark  I still have a lot of wounds to heal, but in time things will patch up. 

Thanks again everyone for reading! 

Love and light, 

-LoveSprite


----------



## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Hey LoveSprite, glad to see you are back. I know your "late reply" post above was written a few days ago and may not be your exact mindset now, but there are a few parts in there that I really want to respond to. I hope I'm not a bore, but I'm going to relay a piece of my story and how it relates to some feelings/fears you mentioned.

For starters, I *completely* understand your anxiety regarding the filing for divorce, with respect to your being afraid that he will fly into a rage, be completely incapable of understanding why you did what you did, and go into "full warfare" mode with the divorce proceedings. That was my fear exactly in my own situation with my wife years ago. I *did not* in any way, shape or form want to divorce my wife, even after everything she had done in the 7 months prior. (Basically, multiple affairs. This was before I completely understood/accepted my own failures) Ultimately I did so because my wife was threatening to take our daughter with her to live in a trailer with a known drug abuser, and by "drug user" I mean serious drugs like meth and LSD, maybe more. A temporary emergency custody order was the ONLY legal way I could prevent my wife from taking her. When I met with the lawyer, I was 100% clear that I did not actually want divorce, I was literally there to essentially abuse the system by filing a divorce petition that I had no intention of following through on (at that time) in order to get the temporary custody order.

It took only a couple days from there to get the order. I didn't want my wife finding out via a sheriff showing up at her workplace (she was still crashing with a friend at that time) so I called my wife over to our house telling her I had something very important to discuss with her and would only need 10-15 minutes, so she begrudgingly came. I then sat down with her and explained what I did and why. That I had to file for the divorce because she was behaving irrationally, that even her family supported that conclusion and my actions as a result, in order to protect our daughter from potential emotional harm. At the time I didn't understand the powerful impact that filing for divorce can have on a spouse that is betraying the marriage in an outlandishly irrational way (which is why so many of us recommend it) so I even shot myself in the foot by reiterating to her that I loved her and *did not* actually want the divorce. (Again, that was dumb of me, don't repeat that)

Confirming my fear and the fear you mentioned above, my wife left our home calmly suppressing a massive rage against me for what I'd done. She called her friends, family, etc., angry as hell. She felt completely betrayed by me and at that time I believe she had every intention of "going to war" with me. I know, it sounds odd that despite her ongoing affair, moving out, threatening to take our daughter with her and then move in together with the AP, she still felt "betrayed" by my filing for divorce. I think it was the fact that we hadn't filed together, that she had trusted me to not do it alone, that she felt betrayed by.

(In her defense, she wasn't staying with the drug abusing friend in her trailer, she was staying with a family friend who was perfectly safe, while planning to find an apartment soon for her and her AP. She had lied to me about staying with the drug abusing friend because she didn't want me to know where she was really staying. Had I known that, I might not have been as quick to file, but if I had known that she planned to move in with her AP, and did exactly that a month or so later, I probably still would have out of a desire to again protect our daughter from that emotional turmoil. Luckily it was the right decision, as the AP turned out to be a pedophile and was arrested about two years later!)

Here's the good news though. In time, her rage faded. Plus, since I had told her myself directly rather than the sheriff, and made 100% clear to her that I had absolutely no desire to keep her from our daughter, and followed through with that promise by giving her all the time she wanted with our daughter, she slowly came to believe me and understand why I did what I did. Legally, I could have kept her from our daughter, I could have required only supervised visitation, instead I said she can see her anytime Mon-Fri after school through dinner time and all day Sundays, (My wife worked saturdays) which is way more time than a typical custody order grants. I did not question my wife's ability to be a good mom around her, I only questioned her ability to make major decisions for her and herself.

That went a long way towards showing her that she didn't need to rage against me. Within a month or two, we were able to communicate more or less effectively, though still strained of course due to the already bad circumstances. I am also confident that my filing delivered to her the message that I would not accept her behavior forever and I know it made her rethink her choices in time. Ultimately, after delaying the final court date several times, she tearfully asked me to call off the divorce about six months later two days before court, and committed to MC.


Back to you, your case I think is a bit different in that it doesn't sound like you have to worry about your husband screwing up your kids, but I think it's still a very similar situation. I really think you could file, then sit him down and explain why you are doing so in a rational way. Imagine this, 

"[H's Name], I need to tell you that while I do still love you, I have filed for divorce and a temporary custody order. I've done this not because I want to end our marriage, but because I can't accept the decisions you've made and behaviors you have engaged in over the last few months. Despite my willingness to work through our marital issues, you've thus far declined to participate or reconsider your decisions, creating an unacceptable situation for me. As you have shown that you are unwilling to reconsider your choices, our marriage is doomed to end anyway and I would rather just get the process started sooner than later and begin moving on with my life. 

As it relates to the custody order, you should understand that such an order is generally standard procedure in most divorce filings. I do not believe you would ever harm our children or be a negative influence upon them when spending time with them, so I have asked that the custody plan be extremely generous and flexible for both of us. However, given your recent actions/choices, I do worry about your ability to make major choices for them and protect them from emotional harm that may come from exposing them to some of your choices, so I have asked that the children remain with me overnight unless we work out sleepovers on a case-by-case basis.

I understand you might be upset, but this is something I have to do for myself and our kids. I have absolutely no interest in turning this into a fight, and if our marriage is doomed, I beg that we make it as cordial and amicable as possible, and I promise you I only want a fair outcome that is in the best interest of our kids. There is no need to turn this into a war or a custody battle, that will only further erode our finances and hurt our children. I have no intention of trying to keep you from our children, now or long term. If you have any concerns now or over the following months, please do not hesitate to come to me first."


I think it's a good start. Honestly my guess is that he will be pretty angry at first. It might even be good idea to write down/type up exactly what you want to say and then give him a copy afterwards that he can review later when he calms down, and show to friends/family who will be of a clearer mind and can hopefully see your sincerity. The strategy is to show him that you won't accept his behavior/choices any longer, that you've lived in Limbo for long enough and obviously it's been clear that he's not spending this time productively for the marriage anyway, so therefore you need him to see that you are 100% willing to move on without him, that he is going to lose you. With that said, there are a couple of hints here and there that he could still turn things around and prevent the divorce, those are there in order to give him some hope, something to grasp on to and motivate him, if he desires. So I understand your concern, but I really think his "rage" would be somewhat short term. As long as you don't escalate anything further, showing him that you don't want a fight, I believe he'll see that and be rational as well. 

Again, the goal of this for you is to start the process. Doing so will help you find closure if indeed the marriage is doomed, protect you legally/financially, and minimize the harm done to your kids. It can certainly also have the effect of waking your husband up to the consequences of the choices he has made. For many spouses in that situation, they often believe that they can get away with their actions because their spouse will never stand up to them and make this decision. So this is a great way to get them to pause and think, "Oh crap, is this what I really want?!" and imagine what unpleasantness the future holds for them, and maybe get them to reconsider their choices and create a genuine opportunity for reconciliation, if that is so desired.


----------



## bratssm (Jan 27, 2015)

You should protect yourself. Start calling the police each time something escalates. Start a paper trail for your divorce. I know its sad that it's over but you need to protect yourself and move on. yes he is cheating on you. You shouldn't have to put up with that bull crap. You will be happier in the end. Good for you for standing up for yourself and saying he needs to go to a hotel. If you don't start preparing yourself for a divorce he may get mad and vindictive and try to take your kid and leave you with nothing. He is a bad husband not you! Good luck!


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

Thanks again *cdbaker*! Wow, the commitment to help others from you Veteran Posters on this forum is absolutely amazing and heart touching! I appreciate it 200%. Thanks for your caring about me and your patience as I post with iffy and unsure feelings behind my words. The best thing is that you all have "been there" in some way or another, and every piece of advice is definitely golden and extremely helpful.

*cdbaker *and *bratssm*, I want to reply to your threads but first I need to reread your replies so I can take it all in. Things are still so overwhelming for me - which I absolutely HATE because I want to be over with this crap already and feel better about life and myself. So I'll process your replies and then get back to you asap, hopefully tonight. 

Thanks again all, and I'LL BE BACK!!! :smthumbup:

Namaste,

-LoveSprite


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

cdbaker said:


> Hey LoveSprite, glad to see you are back. I know your "late reply" post above was written a few days ago and may not be your exact mindset now, but there are a few parts in there that I really want to respond to. I hope I'm not a bore, but I'm going to relay a piece of my story and how it relates to some feelings/fears you mentioned.
> 
> For starters, I *completely* understand your anxiety regarding the filing for divorce, with respect to your being afraid that he will fly into a rage, be completely incapable of understanding why you did what you did, and go into "full warfare" mode with the divorce proceedings. That was my fear exactly in my own situation with my wife years ago. I *did not* in any way, shape or form want to divorce my wife, even after everything she had done in the 7 months prior. (Basically, multiple affairs. This was before I completely understood/accepted my own failures) Ultimately I did so because my wife was threatening to take our daughter with her to live in a trailer with a known drug abuser, and by "drug user" I mean serious drugs like meth and LSD, maybe more. A temporary emergency custody order was the ONLY legal way I could prevent my wife from taking her. When I met with the lawyer, I was 100% clear that I did not actually want divorce, I was literally there to essentially abuse the system by filing a divorce petition that I had no intention of following through on (at that time) in order to get the temporary custody order.
> 
> ...


Thanks *cdbaker *for replying. And I REALLY APPRECIATE the detailed response you gave me, and you sharing your story with me! No worries about the post being long, I actually really appreciate responses like this, because I am the same way most of the time! People always say I write too much, but I've always been a detailed person when it comes to my replies. I actually try to cut them down because people get so overwhelmed. But here's a detailed reply back to you to _every point you made_. And I can't help but say this: I also apologize if THIS post is way too long! 

First off: Thanks SO MUCH for the example letter/statement you gave me regarding what to say to my husband regarding filing for divorce! I'm copying this to my computer for reference, because I will definitely use it when I get the courage to file for divorce. I also think that giving him a copy of what I tell him is a good idea as well, though I hope he won't tear it up during or after the meeting when I tell him about the filing.

Wow, with all due respect to both you and your wife and definitely no offense, but that was definitely crazy, your wife getting with a drug user like that and exposing your child! AND he was a PEDOPHILE?! YEESH, you never know fully who you're talking to!!! 

I also have been thinking that I would like to tell him before someone legal would come to his job or home to serve him. The shock and embarrassment alone might cause a lot of red flags.

I think it would be hard for me to tell him I love him while I explained this to him, but at the same time it might come out because I never want to hurt him and _do _love him. I'll try to bite my tongue though.

Hearing about your wife calling everyone you guys knew about the divorce reminds me of a couple I know personally from last year, here's a little story:

I have a friend who last year told her spouse she wanted a divorce. They both exchanged harsh words, but her husband was so vengeful he started calling EVERY FAMILY HOUSEHOLD they were connected to and told everyone about the divorce within the first few days! He only explained HIS side of the story of course, and of course he's the good guy, right? Since then mostly everyone blames her like she wears the Scarlet Letter! Only the women in my immediate family took the time to see and understand why she did it and understood that they were BOTH at fault. But that's 3 out of like 20 plus people, including her "best friends" that took her husbands' side IMMEDIATELY. I'll admit, it took a few months for my Mother and I to side with her, but eventually we used empathy to understand. It's cooled down since then, but I couldn't believe he did that, and it relates so much to my marriage troubles that I truly believe that crap like this happens in 95% plus of all separation/divorce cases.

And yes I can believe that your wife looked at you as the "bad guy" and was devastated after you filed for divorce. No offense to my sex, but I think that's just a part of a woman being emotional at such big turnarounds in life, whether or not we're the one at fault. Because of our empathetic and nurturing nature that _*most *_women have, these type of incidents make our emotions go into overdrive, with either sorrow or ultimate rage. I know that I felt devastated and extremely plagued when my husband let me know I told his Mom about the "hitting" as he calls it. When you think about it, it wasn't a huge step like him telling a lawyer or police official, but I was still in despair after the fact, and am still troubled by it.

Your wife's surprising and "hurt" response after she caused all this drama and retaliation against your marriage also reminds me of a man on TAM who talked about his wife leaving him and not accepting any of his calls or requests to meet and talk about their marriage for months. He was extremely heartbrokedn and missed her, so much so that he took down their family photos after awhile because they were too painful to look at with her being so distant from him. When she came over after a few months, she saw what he did and then told him how "hurt" and offended she felt by him taking that action! Talk about mind games. :scratchhead:

I'm glad that your wife was able to understand, and in time let her wall down, which eventually lead to cordiality and your reconciliation. Good for you!  After our last two fights, my husband and I were cordial right after if we had to deal with each other. Even now we're good at helping each other with "business" when it comes to bills, childcare, helping each other out, etc. I just don't think it will help him appreciate how much of a "plus" I was in being his wife and right hand woman. I guess I shouldn't say "was," but it's all part of my acceptance of what seems to be the inevitable.

Like you, I try to be understanding and kind as well to my husband, but many times he shoots down my attempts to reach out with a smart a** remark because of his pride. For example, last week I had talked to him about my need for him to contribute to more of our shared bills, because I'm on unemployment and paying for this and my personal bills would drain me out completely, and I still needed money for gas and other essential things. He agreed without hesitation, which relieved me greatly. However, later in the convo he also let me know very openly about him being overwhelmed by all the new bills that came with him having his own place, paying for daycare and also helping me out. Note that before my job layoff and our separation I was the _breadwinner_, and put myself in the position to give my lions share to pay most of our shared bills because he made far less. Well after his tale of sorrow, I kept to my promise of not showing any sympathy and nonchalantly said, "Oh, sorry you have to go through that." And that was it. Apparently, kindness and nurturing both do NOT work for him, so I'm all out of ideas! 

All of your (and other thread contributors) reasons for me doing the filing are totally 200% right in my mind. I do hope that me doing this would give him the "Oh crap! I better start fixing our marriage on my end" feeling. However, he's just like his Mom: Extremely stubborn and quickly adapts to not having anybody to lean on, so it might be just be solely an act of going on with my life and not towards reconciliation. I know that it's a high probability that eventually I'll have to make that move to enter the next phase in my life. But I'm NOT flaking out on filing, I promise! I will let all of you know if I do it soon, or when I do it. I gave myself a deadline of March 15th to see how things were going. I know I know, he probably won't show me any progress, but I just started accepting that we probably won't make up, so at least by then I'll have the acceptance settled in my mind and the courage to do so. I will also have more time to plan it. 

I also know that Valentines Day is coming up, and that may be very hard on me. But fear not, for I already made plans to go with my friends to a Valentines Ball/ Speed Dating mixer! I'm moving forward, HOO-YAH! 

Many thanks again,

-LoveSprite


----------



## loveSprite (Jan 5, 2015)

bratssm said:


> You should protect yourself. Start calling the police each time something escalates. Start a paper trail for your divorce. I know its sad that it's over but you need to protect yourself and move on. yes he is cheating on you. You shouldn't have to put up with that bull crap. You will be happier in the end. Good for you for standing up for yourself and saying he needs to go to a hotel. If you don't start preparing yourself for a divorce he may get mad and vindictive and try to take your kid and leave you with nothing. He is a bad husband not you! Good luck!


Hi *bratssm*, thanks for replying to my thread!

I think calling the police is a good idea if it escalates again to that point. I have to think about how and when I would threaten him, because he never has physically abused me during these heated arguments. It's been harsh yelling and a few foul words, with him starting it and me riling up one or two times in the convo, but I promised myself that the next time he does this I will be giving him hell too. And that may lead to a physical fight, so I'll keep my cell phone close to me if we ever talk if I have to call 911.

When you wrote "yes he is cheating on you," I hadn't heard that in so long that it made my heart jump. I only relapsed a little bit, but then was able to recover. In fact, I'm writing you at around 3:30AM PST and though up up with insomnia, I don't' have the feeling of heartbreak one bit! 

Thanks for the shout out regarding me telling him to go to a hotel, and you're right, a paper trail is a good idea. In fact I just started taking my son to counseling for all of the crap he's been exposed to, and I make sure to get a receipt every time to show proof I'm getting care for him. More "paper" on the way I guess. And yes, he is being a bad and neglectful husband. After thinking about a few things I have done in the past, I know I was pressing and resentful, no doubt about that. I don't know how many times I asked God to forgive me for doubting my marriage, despising him and almost saying "I wish I never married him." But I never stopped loving and caring for him, and was even in love with him despite all this. But I think that by this time the neglect he is projecting is unfixable, especially when I poured my heart to him AND he told his Mom that I physically abused him, when it was really me "swatting" him playfully but in a "not so favored" part of his body (he's such a weak punk for doing that, BTW).

Thanks,

-LoveSprite


----------

