# Husband's sneaky texts to ex-wife



## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

I am 49 years old and my husband is 51. We have been married for 4 years. He has told me that he has a rocky, I hate my ex-wife relationship with his ex. He tells me constantly that this is a lying b*tch. They have a 16 year old daughter together. He also used to be close to her 21 year old daughter, but ever since they divorced 10 years ago, she has had nothing to do with him. I have felt my spidey senses tingling lately because he has been weird and secretive about money. He is a builder and gets large checks for his each part of a job. He pays child support for the 16 year old, but I know that lately he has been sneaking cash to his ex-wife, whom he tells me he despises. Yesterday, he left his ipad at home, which is a rarity, because he guards it closely, and now I know why. He and his ex have been texting each other. My husband texted her at midnight telling her that he was going to give her $1,000 for the 21 year old's college fund, and that he was also going to buy her a laptop. She then texted back that he has always been her "knight in shining armor." He also told her that he would pay to have her car fixed and in June get her a used car. Meanwhile, MY car sits in our driveway, needing fixed!!!!! I work hard for a living too, and I DO NOT want any of MY money helping her. 
My husband with be furious with me for looking at his messages, which by the way, were all deleted this morning. It will cause a war between us, but I am sick to death over this. I want to confront him so badly. He is being untrustworthy and LYING to me. What do I do??? By way, when he gets angry, he is a maniac. He screams and calls me names, and last year he actually pushed me down. So I am scared to bring it up, but I really don't think I will be able to let it go. I am not good at hiding my emotions. He has already been asking me if something is wrong. I was physically sick all last night from this.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Divorce him.




Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Confront him, there is no excuse for his behavior so he has some serious explaining to do.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you. I really want to. I want to do it when I am not so upset. I appreciate your input.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Takes the gloves off and sucker punch him with some out of the blue Divorce papers...... You deserve to be priority number one in your own marriage, not number 2 in the ashes of an old one.... Do not let him know what you are doing, do not get passive, do not believe anything you hear, and half of what you see. Do not accept this as your fault. DO not accept his anger for you discovering his secret, in a marriage there are no secrets...

Oh, did I mention that you need to take the gloves off and sucker punch him..... Don't wait, do it, so it soon, and the net results of the truth will be shone very quickly.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

One more thing. Yes, I am a passive person, but I can stick up for myself with him. What is my reply when he says that I've betrayed HIM by looking through his texts? I just want to hear a man's perspective...thanks


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

lauralei said:


> One more thing. Yes, I am a passive person, but I can stick up for myself with him. What is my reply when he says that I've betrayed HIM by looking through his texts? I just want to hear a man's perspective...thanks


ugh..."How dare you uncover my shady behavior!!"

if he wanted to be able to keep secrets, he shouldn't have got remarried.

the physical abuse and that attitude is actually worse than the giving money problem, in my opinion.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Don't be scared of him. If you give him your power, don't be surprised when you have none at confrontation. You need to be 100% willing to end it with him. 


Its not unreasonable for him to want to provide for his child, but if he is using your money for that, then it's wrong. iPad usually has a cloud backup. Are you sure you can't recover the messages?


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Satya said:


> Its not unreasonable for him to want to provide for his child, but if he is using your money for that, then it's wrong. iPad usually has a cloud backup. Are you sure you can't recover the messages?



Op, did I misread your post? I thought he was providing for his ex wife behind your back? 


Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

Oh, I took pictures of them with MY phone, then emailed them to myself. I have copies. I don't mind him providing for his child that is 16, but the other daughter is not his, and she completely stopped wanting anything to do with him. I feel like he is trying to buy her love, but for what purpose? Also, he does not need to provide his ex with any other money, especially to fix her car.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

No, you didn't misread it. I saw that she asked him for $100, and I'm sure he probably gave it to her. I believe he is providing for her behind my back.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

spinsterdurga said:


> Op, did I misread your post? I thought he was providing for his ex wife behind your back?
> 
> 
> Signature: Nobody can hurt me without my permission.


Thanks Spinster, I think I missed that he was giving money to his ex. Unless a court is telling him to, he absolutely should not be!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Never date a guy who talks about an ex in bad ways. I'm sure this went on when you were both dating. Because most likely, he isn't over his ex. We don't talk about people, even those we loathe, if we have no feelings for them. I'd divorce him...you can do way better.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

Thanks everyone. I called him out on it today, thanks to all your input. Unfortunately it wasn't face to face, but I sent him a copy of the texts. He wasn't angry; he was very embarrassed, which I am really glad about, and very apologetic. Don't worry, I am immune. My guard is up from now on. The trust is gone.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

lauralei said:


> Thanks everyone. I called him out on it today, thanks to all your input. Unfortunately it wasn't face to face, but I sent him a copy of the texts. He wasn't angry; he was very embarrassed, which I am really glad about, and very apologetic. Don't worry, I am immune. My guard is up from now on. The trust is gone.


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## gogetting (Mar 24, 2016)

Please have witnesses or people that can protect you close by when confronting him.

I can't help but wonder how he speaks of you to her when he speaks this way about her to you while giving her money behind your back. What else is going on that you don't know anything about?

So he'll turn it on YOU to be violating his trust when you catch him in the act of lying to you and keeping secrets behind his back? These messages popped up for you to see when he left his tablet at home. Only a dishonest sociopath would try to blame you for catching him in the act when he left the evidence before your eyes. This is not a private matter and you deserve to be in the know.

If he is a good earner and not giving away your money I don't see why he wouldn't give to a collage fund for a stepchild of his - BUT - to service/take care of his [his-own-curseword] ex-wife before he takes care of you is a deal-breaker. 

The fact that you are afraid of his response is a huge warning for the state of your marriage and the possible level of honesty between you. NOBODY should be afraid of their spouse's reaction when they are confronted with their own lies. The fact that you are afraid to confront him tells a chilling story about his temperament and your place in a marital pecking order.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

lauralei said:


> One more thing. Yes, I am a passive person, but I can stick up for myself with him. What is my reply when he says that I've betrayed HIM by looking through his texts? I just want to hear a man's perspective...thanks


You should not care what he says when you already know that you need to get out of this relationship? If he says that you betrayed him by looking through his texts, just acknowledge that yes, you are guilty of doing that. However, you should be very relieved that you did. 

I can imagine that you might feel very disappointed and even embarrassed that your later in life marriage is ending in divorce. However, the alternative is much worse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like a conversation to carry forward with a MC; and to discuss his anger as well. Let him hear from a professional that there's no excuse for screaming and pushing.


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## lauralei (Mar 24, 2016)

Thank you all. Such good input. I agree with everything you've said. I appreciate it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

lauralei said:


> One more thing. Yes, I am a passive person, but I can stick up for myself with him. What is my reply when he says that I've betrayed HIM by looking through his texts? I just want to hear a man's perspective...thanks


I'm not a male perspective, but...a good response would be ''don't manipulate me.''

You didn't betray him.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

lauralei,

In a good marriage there are no secrets, all financial details are in the open.

BTW most affairs feed off of secret money for trips, lunches, hotel rooms etc.

The continuing emotional connection is also inappropriate.

Does the ex have a husband or BF, if so be sure to tell him about the inappropriate communications.

Did our husbands marriage to his ex start out as an affair when one or both were still married?

Tamat


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