# How Do Differing Values Affect Your Marriage?



## SFladybug

Conflicted said:


> Being able to share things without getting the feeling of being judged.


It is funny how when a relationship is new, before we marry and connect our lives together, when we share personal things about ourselves and feel accepted by the other person we feel close. 
After we marry, many of us find ourselves with someone who is different than we expected and we begin to feel hurt, angry or afraid of what our spouses do or say. Then we accuse or "judge" them. Our spouses character and choices DO affect us, so it becomes more difficult to share without feeling judged. 

If you are reading this section and dating, I urge you to carefully consider your values and your future spouses values. Later in life, if you don't agree about some fundamental values, you will be asking yourself if it is worth staying. :2gunsfiring_v1:

I am wondering how those of you on this forum who have been married awhile have handled differing values? What compromises have you made to stay married??:cussing::bounce::cussing:


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## XiaSulin

Me and my husband have some similar values and then we have different values that conflict. We also have different categories in society (beyond gender) that separate us, and creates a bit of anger and resentment in some places for us. As far as how society views us separately for various reasons that is something we have had to learn/or are learning to separate from 'us'.

We have these amazing similarities, but from those same similarities come differences that can drive us both mad. It manifests in so many different ways, and at the same time we are always working to make things better. And it's not something that you can just make perfect and then move on with just because like you said we are always changing, and because we are always changing we are constantly working to grow or keep pace with the other, and if we can't keep pace, practicing patience and adjustments.

Most of it is learning and understanding the other, and trying to adjust to the other in terms of how we both go through emotions. Avoiding the problems, coming half way for some places. Some things we still don't have a solution for but we get closer to it with every try.

I guess for us in the end the similarities that we have outweigh our differences, and in the grand scheme of things they're so small that it really just becomes an acceptance thing. We still work on those little big things but the major values that we have outweigh the petty everyday nuisances that we have to work through.

So when you have differing beliefs you often have to remember to respect the other and try and look from their perspective on where this and that is coming from. And just accepting and loving them for who they are and not who you want them to be.

And lol when I say you I don't mean you or anyone else, when I responded to this post I was really just talking/thinking to myself out loud. Added to the rest of that I guess making things work to begin with involves knowing how to communicate with each other.


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## preso

SFladybug said:


> If you are reading this section and dating, I urge you to carefully consider your values and your future spouses values. Later in life, if you don't agree about some fundamental values, you will be asking yourself if it is worth staying. :2gunsfiring_v1:
> 
> I am wondering how those of you on this forum who have been married awhile have handled differing values? What compromises have you made to stay married??:cussing::bounce::cussing:


I was with several men in my life with different values than mine and I can attest, that is not the way to go. In dating your job is to find someone your yoked with BEFORE you persue a relationship with them or spend time with them.
People with different values than your can make for interesting friends but not a good life partner.
Different INTERESTS are good for a marriage, but not different basic life values.


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## Blanca

I guess the only major difference in values that my H and i have right now is that he likes to eat meat and im strongly against it. it used to really bother me and id try to push my views on him, but for some reason i just let it go. he tries to eat free range stuff, so i guess that's good and i appreciate the compromise.


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## SFladybug

preso said:


> Different INTERESTS are good for a marriage, but not different basic life values.


Preso, that is a good one to remember. I am sure there is some sort of "screening" tool that can help people considering marriage - not one I had access to when I married at 19 so long ago, but it would be helpful for people to be able to uncover some of the areas that seem to lead people to think about break-ups before they marry.


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## Sandy55

Needless to say my dh and I have some different values, but in general we have similar values.

All my values are ALL correct so naturally we argue about his wrong values! :rofl::rofl:


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## SFladybug

Sandy55 said:


> All my values are ALL correct so naturally we argue about his wrong values! :rofl::rofl:


:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol: Ain't it so.


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## Sensitive

I think I married a man that was opposite my personality and we complement each other pretty well. We do value family, education, and health, which are pretty important. We differ on many, many issues, that are not as critical. Our strongest trait that held us together is our ability to compromise. After 10 years I am beginning to wonder if our life paths and goals are different, and we simply diverged to the point that we don't share and connect as well. Maybe our core values didn't match enough. Maybe the cultures were too different. Good topic, thank you.


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## Mommybean

My H and I share the same values at heart. He has a lot of work to do in therapy to let go of his past, but as he does that and gets to know himself more, its increasingly evident that the things that matter to each of us are quite similar- family, education, respect, dedication. Our problem has been him letting go of learned behavior, and moving forward with our lives, instead of staying stagnant in the past.


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## XiaSulin

> Different INTERESTS are good for a marriage, but not different basic life values.


I sat down with my husband to talk about this specific question. Because I thought it was interesting. We came to the conclusion that it depends on how the two individuals define basic life values. It also depends on how much they overlap or how willing two people are to compromise. What's a life value for one person might be a minor detail for another and vice versa. 

I have seen a Catholic woman marry a Jewish man, she was a Catholic Teacher who loved her religion, he was a Jewish man who loved his. They fell in love and had children and those children were raised Jewish. I would say religion to many people would be a basic life value right? But we really can't control who we love, even when it kills us or conflicts with our own personal values. And sometimes our values start to morph and change a little with time.

So in the end I still come to the idea that it depends on how you define basic life values, and what they mean to different people, and even how flexible those values are. 

I just wanted to reply on that because it was something that was an interesting food for thought, and me and my husband had an interesting discussion about it.


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## preso

Values are deeply held beliefs about what is good, right, and appropriate. Values are deep-seated and remain constant over time. We accumulate our values from childhood based on teachings and observations of our parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other influential and powerful people

What Are Values? Deeply held beliefs about right, wrong, good, and bad | Suite101.com


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## srena200

XiaSulin said:


> Me and my husband have some similar values and then we have different values that conflict. We also have different categories in society
> 
> 
> I hear ya, I am black my husband is Mexican and Catholic (not practicing). I have a Masters degree and he finished high school. In the beginning that was a fascinating difference just to deal with someone so opposite of me - but trust me it has gotten old very fast. He is about as dumb as a brick , lazy, fat, eats and drinks coffee like there is no tomorrow and the smell of coffee makes me want to vomit and he will feed his fat ass before he even considered to ask "Does anyone want some toast or cereal"? So at this point, I carefully weigh the options and the need to stay. I was self-sufficient before we met, owned my own home (which he lived in first year of marriage) and work full time, teach college part time and all he contributes at this point is a 2nd income and a stiff one when I am in the mood.


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## XiaSulin

I'm sorry it's early in the morning. I just woke up from a restless night with the kids, and now I have nothing better to do but write this post: 



preso said:


> Values are deeply held beliefs about what is good, right, and appropriate. Values are deep-seated and remain constant over time


Preso what you described sounds more like Morals. This is one definition of morals._ *"of, pertaining to, or concerned with the principles or rules of right conduct or the distinction between right and wrong; ethical."*_ Which is just one of the many definitions that say the same/similar thing, and if you(not you sorry talking to myself) research morality that is something that differs per culture and even per person but it is also something that we learn as we grow up.

[Unimportant Paragraph just...Explanations]Just because you can back up a quote you've given with the web doesn't necessarily make it right. I write essays for fun and one of the things I had to learn was to quote from reliable sources, and that if we chose to use the web always use more than one reference, check who is writing it (for bias), and their references, you also have to learn to know the references their referencing! 'Cause sometimes people reference stuff and because we see that it's referenced we think oh so it must be right, but I've had to learn to check out their references too, along with using more than one source for anything (this gets a bit obsessive sometimes other times I'm too lazy).[ /End of that]

It just so happens(no surprise there) that Morals was something that had me tied up for a very long time so I did research followed by a debate on Morals, what they are and where they come from. After which I had to just do...3 guesses! Lol! An Essay. (Sorry still tired).

So then what are values? Values are selective beliefs and ideas that we 'value' as important to us and our own identity. You can give a list of the same things to different people and ask them which they select as more important above all. That is their value. For example some people value family above work, whereas others value work above family. Some people value religious duties over their family some have them on a similar level. Some people value animal rights others could care less or don't hold it as high, and so on.

Beliefs I think are a mixture of things. They're a compound of values, morals, opinions, and other thing. Come to think of it most of what we think is either an opinion or tainted by our own biases. So Beliefs are a mixture of opinions we have gathered some of which we consider as knowledge and truth.

So when it comes to Basic life values, _I _think of it as what do we define as 'important' to us in this life, and how do we live with the person we love if their basic life values are different from ours?

(Now I'm waking up!)

*Srena*: Definitely! I know I used to weigh those differences that separated us in society in terms of us. Also differences that come with how we were raised and what advantages one had over the other. Things that we each may have took for granted that the other just didn't have. We came to the conclusion...screw society, but it was definitely a war because on the one hand you have your 'internal home' where everything is alright. Neither of you are in anybody's shadow and who does what doesn't have to matter unless there are hard feelings. On the other hand there is the part where you have to overcome society and what they believe and sometimes even conquer your(not you lol) own beliefs that are tampered by them.

Thanks for sharing that!

(And now I'm off!)


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## preso

Values
Definition: Values are deeply held beliefs about what is good, right, and appropriate. Values are deep-seated and remain constant over time. We accumulate our values from childhood based on teachings and observations of our parents, teachers, religious leaders, and other influential and powerful people.

Example: Jennifer felt stressed out and didn't know what to do when her boss implied she should lie to a client; honesty is one of Jennifer's most deeply held values.


What Are Values? Deeply held beliefs about right, wrong, good, and bad | Suite101.com

My husband and I have the same values concerning spending, lifestyle and lifes goals... I think its critical to a good and happy marriage these things are in place.
I passed on many men due to differences in values.

I value a debt free lifestyle and do my best to remain debt free.
I value early retirment and have made plans to do so.
I value being down to earth and my work ethics which enabled me to make my dreams a reality.
I value a clean home and uncluttered home which decreases my stress and makes me a more organized person.


###
Valuing something doesn't automatically assume that it is moral or right to do so. ###


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## XiaSulin

They can be Preso, if that is what you value. If you value what is good and right then that is your value.

What do other websites and definitions say about values? Because my thinking is, you're giving me one website that says that. But there are many websites and dictionaries that are telling me something completely different.


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## preso

the website is in my head in explaining the difference between values and morals, you seem to think they are the same.

another illistration:
some people ( even married people) value going out to party and pick up sexual partners, they do it as often as they can. 
It may not be moral but it is something they value.

This is just a matter of common sense what the difference between the 2 are.


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## XiaSulin

Mmm, I don't think values and morals are the same. I think they're very different. In my mind it sounds like that definition you keep linking me to is what you're saying values are. And it's okay if that's what they are to you. It just had me stumped for a minute because that definition didn't fit with what I understand values to be but it did sound familiar, and then it clicked and I looked up morals and it just seemed to me like a mismatch of definitions.

The definition you gave me for what you were saying were values was the same definition for morals, the definition for values is completely different. I was just pointing them out and saying that what you described was morals, not values. I think you can value 'morals' but I do not think they are the same.

But it doesn't matter so much. It's just a great conversation that I have enjoyed having. Thought it was an interesting thing to discuss. I never met anyone who defined values differently from what I'm used to and so it threw me off for a minute. I'm just now realizing that maybe you just define values differently, which is cool.


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## preso

Some people value drinking and drugs and socializing. It is very important to them. Some people love their cigarettes or spending their free time fishing... or working a lot... as it is something very important to them.
If couples do not have the same values, it tends to hurt the marriage as common values that are shared are important to a marriage.

The issues in my marriage with this are: dietary ( currently thats the only problem) as I was raised to think of food as energy for my body and I was raised in a world of fitness ( I was very althletic most of my life)... my husband eats for pleasure only. We have many problems due to this dietary thing. 
His value of food is not for nutrition and health but pleasure and I am the opposite. We have many arguements about it.

I never ate a cheeto on my life, he eats them all the time and I'm tired of going shopping and buying a basket full of junk food, soda pop, porterhouse steaks, potato chips, cookies, cake...

Before I met him I basically ate salad, veggies and fruit and a small peice of meat or protien a day, no soda pop...
I was slim and sexy... now I am forced to cook and serve him all this junk he wants and it interferes in my relationship with food, making it an unhealthy one. One I am surrounded with.

In short: we have differing values upon our personal health.


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## SFladybug

Values can change over time as what we hold to be highly important can change, but often does not. I think what really happens (especially when we marry someone who is very different from us) is that when we start out, we are looking for connections and so find the values we share. These might not be our true highly valued aspects of life, but we notice what we have in common. Later, when we have lived together for a while, we do have to make compromises. And sometimes, we need to be aware of the differences in values, yet still respect the other person. This can be tricky at times, especially when if feels as if the other person does not value us. The ones who stay married for a long time seem to be able to allow the other person to have different values, but come back to ones that both people agree are important. Kind of philosophical, but it is late and I am avoiding a phone call to my husband about something over which we differ.


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## michzz

There are differences between morals, values, and even interests.

Interests are things like hobbies, what TV show to watch, music to listen to.

A marriage can survive differing interests pretty easily.

But core values? No. If one spouse values fidelity and the other does not, for example, there will be a huge problem.

Valuing fidelity can be based on a personal belief system and self protection of one's emotional well being. It can also be based on a sense of right and wrong, a morality-based belief system coming from the 10 Commandments, religious training, etc.

Many layers to how we interact in a marriage.


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## GAsoccerman

well isn't that why we date before marriage? to find out if we are compatible? To find out what is a deal breaker and what is not?

I dated a Georgous blonde, but we had some issues, which were deal breakers...so we moved on.


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## preso

michzz said:


> A marriage can survive differing interests pretty easily.
> 
> But core values? No. If one spouse values fidelity and the other does not, for example, there will be a huge problem.
> 
> .


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Thats a good example and there are many more based on education, money, kids and raising them or not to have any, etc etc etc...


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## preso

GAsoccerman said:


> well isn't that why we date before marriage? to find out if we are compatible? To find out what is a deal breaker and what is not?
> 
> I dated a Georgous blonde, but we had some issues, which were deal breakers...so we moved on.



You would think, but seems not.

I dated a TV news sportcaster and dumped him because we had differing values on social life aspects...
he was sure a good looking man but not the right man for me
due to his high value on socializing and entertaining in the home
which is not for me.


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