# I need help



## glam14 (Nov 29, 2014)

I have been married for 15 yrs. We were married at young age 18 and 22, My husband, after an incident confronted me about 3 days ago. Let me start the story from how our marriage is. We have a very good marriages, fights here and there when we were younger where we got matured after so many years. Though I have always been doubtful( I think it was my protective instinct from failed marriage of my parents) I have always tried to be a good wife.

My husband blamed me now that I have been so strict and was choking him. That is true in a way but in time I have tried my best to changed. I check his text messages, I don't like him to go out with people i don;t know, etc etc. But the reason is I feel that he may be weak and be easily swayed. though in years I have been more lenient and gave him the chance to be with friends. 

He admitted to me 3 days ago that because of that it even heightened his desire to break free. I confronted him with the fact that I always feel that he was weak and that he might do something like that. He admitted that it was at the back of his mind.He felt that we married young, he was 18, and that he missed on something. This was not the 1st time he mentioned this but it was when he was about in his early 20s. Though then, I thought that he was just young and that is something he will get over with. As the years passed we had a great marriage. we had 3 kids and he was the most loving father I know. He in general was good husband. Even though I thought he was cheating... I have never found out anything and he was adamant that he was always faithful. Though now he admitted that there was a devil in him that there was a desire to break free because he felt some kind of emptiness in the years we were together. The reason how we came to this point is that my gut feeling was telling me to check. I ran his text messages and for some reason this woman;s number kept on coming, not often, but felt unusual to me. Then suddenly he was telling me about the girl, only one instant, where in it was very ins]usual to talk about. he stated that h this girl Yuen was holding hand with this big guy and only to find out he was gay. After a few more conversation he told me that this girl is the one helping him to get a promotion at his job and that he has to meet her to pick up a book. Of course my jealous nature arouse and I sound Irate and said okay. He then tried to justify himself and I told him that it does not make sense that he has to meet the girl knowing they work at the same job. Though he said that is why he is always pissed off with the way and that he is very suffocated. In the end I told him to meet this girl. After a few days i could not help my gut feelings. I checked again his text message and this girl was texting him at 2 am. To make the long story short. We confronted each other and that is when he admitted that there was an intent to have a relationship. That he felt he want it. He also said that he kept the fact that he was married to this person and was guilty that he think about pursuing the person. Though there was really nothing going on yet, he was honest to tell me that there was the intent. I asked if in any way he was swayed by the girl, he said that he felt that it was actually him that showed the interest. Though he may not tell me, i know that the girl was hinting leading to the overly concerned text messages. Though he said the girl was a factor, he said that it was the want that was always inside of him. 

I believe that me checking him again has really pushed him to the point that he was really gonna do to. Or maybe I am just lying to myself that he did it and it was a conscious choice and that he did cheat or started to cheat on me at least. Though he was man enough to tell me before it truly happened. Because I know it was a bigger guilt he has to carry if the kids will find out that he actually had an affair during our marriage.

But despite the I do believe that a great part of it was my fault, I do understand now the gravity of my actions. My heart is justifying his mistake by pointing it that i made him do it. But then he admitted that he did desire things like that in the past, he never really did anything. Hard to tell everyone that i did swallow my pride and did lowest of the low to beg him to stay because I was truly wrong and sorry. He told me that i should not think that it is my fault and he said that it was him and there was something wrong in him. I asked him to give me a chance but he said he could not answer and promise me anything now... because it seemed that I have reached his limit. We knew that it is not a decision and change that is gonna happen in days due to our kids and properties. he does not have a house to move to and he have other issues to settle. I have cried and cried and was very transparent how desperate I was though I know it might push him farther away. We agreed to talk in couple of days because he gave me the hope that he might take me back.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I really feel for you and your situation. The desperado is always a weak position to play from and he can sense your desperation. You need to do a few things to restore your confidence and pull yourself out of your current mode. 

He sounds like the cheater here, and yet you portray yourself to sound like the guilty one throughout your comments.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Sorry that you have to go through this.

If you read some of the other post, about ones who have been cheated on you will find that him putting the blame on you is something a cheater will do. 

Nothing you have said or done is a reason for him to cheat on you, please do not feel like it is your fault. They do this to justify what they are doing.

I suggest looking up the 180 plan on here or google it, and start with number 1 and go down the list.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You and your husband equally share the state of your marriage. If he was this unhappy for a long time, it was his responsibility to talk to you and get you to work with him to fix your marriage and rebuild any lost feelings.

Instead the CHOSE to cheat. He is 100% responsible for his choice to cheat. He could have chosen to work on your marriage. Or he could have chosen to divorce before he start to cheat. Do not take the blame for his cheating.

Is he still seeing the other woman?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The OP has two threads running on the same topic. That makes it confusing.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/235161-i-need-help.html


----------

