# Is it me?



## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

Is it appropriate to constantly talk about how "hot" you find another woman and how you would like to "bang" her in the presence of your wife? 
I find it really disrespectful and have tried talking to him about it numerous times but he just does NOT get it. He says it's no big deal and he is only joking etc. but if it is hurtful to me shouldn't he just quit it? At times I think I need to calm down a bit but I don't remember the last time he told me I'm hot, so why should it be okay for him to talk about other women like that, that too while I'm there? Or is it me who need to grow a thicker skin? 

Any comments are appreciated, even harsh ones if that's what it takes for me to stop being jealous!


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I'm with you on this one-it is totally disrespectful to you and your feelings. I bet he wouldn't like it if you made comments about every hot, buff looking guy you see when you're out together.
I don't understand why men do this-most should be lucky they have somebody at all.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Is he maybe trying to send you a message? Do the women tend to have something in common? Long hair, short hair, high heels, something like that?

Maybe he's trying to say "I wish you would wear a gold lamé thong and a see-through miniskirt like she's got on!", without actually coming out and saying it.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

I agree, I think it is VERY disrespectful if you've voiced how it makes you feel. 

If you have talked to him about this on several occassions and nothing happens, no apology or change or anything, this may sound childish- but maybe try commenting on the hot men. IF he says something about it you can say "exactly! That's what I've been trying to tell you" With out being mean about it. 

In my opinion sometimes men (and women) don't realize how crappy something they are doing is until the have to literally walk in the other person's shoes.

My husband has had similar (just not about the commenting on other women) and it took him happening to have to walk in my shoes before he realized why it bothered me. I didn't set it up for him to experience it like I am suggesting here, it happened by chance, but the situations were different...


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

HappyAtLast said:


> I'm with you on this one-it is totally disrespectful to you and your feelings. I bet he wouldn't like it if you made comments about every hot, buff looking guy you see when you're out together.
> I don't understand why men do this-most should be lucky they have somebody at all.





lost2010 said:


> I agree, I think it is VERY disrespectful if you've voiced how it makes you feel.
> 
> If you have talked to him about this on several occassions and nothing happens, no apology or change or anything, this may sound childish- but maybe try commenting on the hot men. IF he says something about it you can say "exactly! That's what I've been trying to tell you" With out being mean about it.
> 
> ...



First of all, THANK YOU! 
I actually am a bit immature so I DID try doing the same to him, but for some reason I just can't go through with it. I can't make myself as graphic as he does. However I did ask him how it would make him feel if I said these things about other men and the answer was: "It's no big deal".


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

artieb said:


> Is he maybe trying to send you a message? Do the women tend to have something in common? Long hair, short hair, high heels, something like that?
> 
> Maybe he's trying to say "I wish you would wear a gold lamé thong and a see-through miniskirt like she's got on!", without actually coming out and saying it.


I thought so too but I haven't been able to find a pattern - apart from the fact that those women are better looking than me. In fact that is what makes me feel worse because I can't do anything about the way I look..


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

Nicky* said:


> First of all, THANK YOU!
> I actually am a bit immature so I DID try doing the same to him, but for some reason I just can't go through with it. I can't make myself as graphic as he does. However I did ask him how it would make him feel if I said these things about other men and the answer was: "It's no big deal".


Absolutely I would- as I am a bit immature myself when my feelings are hurt. 

He can say it's not big deal- which it may very well no be it all depends on the person. BUT It's easier to say that kind of stuff then live by it, in my opinion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Leave his vicinity every time he does it. Teach him that you respect yourself too much to allow him to disrespect you.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

:iagree:


turnera said:


> Leave his vicinity every time he does it. Teach him that you respect yourself too much to allow him to disrespect you.


I like this idea.


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## Young and Confused (Mar 16, 2010)

I have also been dealing with this problem from my fiance. It is very annoying and makes me feel like he would rather be with them and not me. My feelings get very hurt and I normally cry about it without him knowing because as you said I think it is just me overreacting. So, I guess I don't have very good advice for you on this one.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Man perspective and mind you i didnt read all the responses.
There is a line to me.. That is you always respect your woman..
Having said that I do believe that when you marry, the physical appearence of others still is pleasing.
I have some experience that says when women hear that (comments) they sometimes think that he is saying "she is hotter than me, or better than me). Thats not necessarily true.

He should NO doubt tone it down, and you could maybe be more open to know what makes him tick... not be threatened by it. You should ABSOLUTELY turn the tables.

"OMG that guy is smoking hot... look at his ass hun!"

Or Geez I'd like to get a gander at that bulge without those pant.... i bet thats bigger than yours hun.... what do you think"

You'll for SURE find out if hes truely trying to share with you OR if he's just being caveman!!!!!

Pour it on until he figures it out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I like it. 

I have to say that my H and I have been very open about looking at other people and commenting about them (in a fun, appreciative way), for over 30 years. But we do so because we have NO intention of ever cheating, and we know it. It's safe to look. It's not safe to denigrate the other's feelings, though. 

So it's a matter of does he CARE that you are hurting? If not, you have a problem. If so, he needs to change.

That said, if he has no intention of cheating, it is YOUR insecurity that's driving this issue. Yes, he could be more polite about it and less crude. But it would behoove you to understand what's really going on.


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

Young and Confused said:


> I have also been dealing with this problem from my fiance. It is very annoying and makes me feel like he would rather be with them and not me. My feelings get very hurt and I normally cry about it without him knowing because as you said I think it is just me overreacting. So, I guess I don't have very good advice for you on this one.


We are so much alike, I cry about it too but rarely in front of him. Once he did see me cry and he promised he wouldn't do it again but that only lasted a couple of months.
And yes I agree it makes you feel like he would rather want to be with those women. 


63Vino said:


> Man perspective and mind you i didnt read all the responses.
> There is a line to me.. That is you always respect your woman..
> Having said that I do believe that when you marry, the physical appearence of others still is pleasing.
> I have some experience that says when women hear that (comments) they sometimes think that he is saying "she is hotter than me, or better than me). Thats not necessarily true.
> ...


Hahaha I like this idea. :smthumbup: Lets see if I'm able to pull it off..

Turnera
I don't think he would ever cheat on me, so I guess it is about me being really insecure. But he knows he makes me feel awful so I would definitely expect him to either quit it completely or just tone it down a bit. In your case it is different since you like it. I don't, and I want my H to respect that.  

Thank you guys, you are awesome


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's not that I like it, it's that I understand that human nature is to look at the opposite sex. So when he oogles a pretty girl, I just laugh it off and find a good looking hot young guy to point out. And he laughs at that. Because we both know that what we are doing is harmless ogling.

Looking at other women doesn't mean he's a bad person. Ignoring that he's hurting you...well, that's another story. As is using vulgar language. 

My first inclination is that you don't stand up for yourself properly. He just doesn't get it. He doesn't get the severity of what he does. After all, guys do it all the time. So...how to get him to see that you're not one of the guys? 

Like I suggested, I would just get up and leave every time he does it. He'll get the point.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Why should you not cry in front of him? I've done this and it was a BIG mistake. He hurt you, and it is completely rational for you to cry in front of him. It will drive home the hurt his comments caused you...it is how all us women feel inside when our lover acts as though we are not enough for him.

I like the snappy comments given by other posters...also if that doesn't do it...just leave immediately when he makes a comment. No "I have to go to the BR" (etc) just stand up and leave the table.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would add that, when you DO get up and leave, you say "I won't tolerate you talking like that in front of me." He has to know WHY you don't like it. He can't read your mind. And if you make sure you don't cry in front of him (why is that?) he has no clue the things are connected. Sometimes you have to be blunt.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

turnera said:


> I would add that, when you DO get up and leave, you say "I won't tolerate you talking like that in front of me." He has to know WHY you don't like it. He can't read your mind. And if you make sure you don't cry in front of him (why is that?) he has no clue the things are connected. Sometimes you have to be blunt.


I agree, you have to point out why you are walking away or else you run the risk of him not putting the two together.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Im dealing with the exact same thing right now - well its been ongoing for years.... If I behaved the way that he does he would go ballistic but thats my marriage lately - full of double standards. I feel disrespected when he does it and then worse when he freaks out on me because "he doesnt cheat" but he does this with my friends and women we know - he then keeps it up on facebook chats with some serious flirting.... Im considering leaving.... Im tired of feeling like I am less than, tired of living a life chalk full of double standards.... If you figure out a way to solve this problem...let me know!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The solution is to not stand for it. Leave the room when he does it. Shut down facebook if he flirts with women. Give him consequences.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

pokergirl007 said:


> Im dealing with the exact same thing right now - well its been ongoing for years.... If I behaved the way that he does he would go ballistic but thats my marriage lately - full of double standards. I feel disrespected when he does it and then worse when he freaks out on me because "he doesnt cheat" but he does this with my friends and women we know - he then keeps it up on facebook chats with some serious flirting.... Im considering leaving.... Im tired of feeling like I am less than, tired of living a life chalk full of double standards.... If you figure out a way to solve this problem...let me know!


It won't be able to be solve unless he (in both of your guy's situations) is willing to try to change/tone down because they love and respect what makes you uncomfortable. 

As far as the doublestandards- That's just crap. (sorry obvious I know LOL- but I had to say it)

Is he also controlling on other aspects?


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> I would add that, when you DO get up and leave, you say "I won't tolerate you talking like that in front of me." He has to know WHY you don't like it. He can't read your mind. And if you make sure you don't cry in front of him *(why is that?*) he has no clue the things are connected. Sometimes you have to be blunt.


Because I am really sensitive, I cry a lot. He thinks I cry for no reason so I'd rather not do it in front of him. Also, I think he does it on purpose (the checking girls out thing) to get a reaction from me. So I tried acting as if I don't care and hence didn't cry in front of him but that didn't work either. Having said that, he HAS seen me cry about it and I have told him exactly how it makes me feel but he doesn't stop.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't stop because you offer no consequences. Start leaving him every time he does it.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Nicky* said:


> But he knows he makes me feel awful so I would definitely expect him to either quit it completely or just tone it down a bit.


Learned behaviors can take a lot of effort to change. I'm not sure how many times you've SERIOUSLY told him how much it bothers you, but a lot of times multiple instances are needed. Men tend to be creatures of habit and it takes a lot to break those habits.

I had a bad habit of stating that my SO was acting like a b!$%@ when we used to argue. I never really thought much of it since my parents used to cuss a lot when they fought. 

It wasn't until she told me directly how much it bothered her that I understood what it was doing. Even then, it took her telling me it on 3 or 4 different occasions until I was finally able to consciously break the habit. Thankfully now it's so broken that I don't even say it under my breath!:smthumbup:

Granted though: The SO needs to be willing to recognize the wrong and work on changing it or it won't matter.


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> He doesn't stop because you offer no consequences. Start leaving him every time he does it.


I have! 
He just ignores me. No apology, nothing. In the end I just can't take it anymore and end up taking the blame for the fight. I need a spine implant. :scratchhead:


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

Nicky* said:


> In the end I just can't take it anymore and end up taking the blame for the fight. I need a spine implant. :scratchhead:


you sound like me here. I am very passive and usually wil bow down to the more agressive person. Sucks though. 

Where would one find a spine implant  I could use one myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The consequences aren't to punish him or to make him change. They are to protect YOU. Let him know that. He is free to choose to keep being an a$$. YOU are free to remove yourself from the unpleasantness, and you will continue to do so.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Lost:Yes he is controlling in other aspects for example he threatened to kick me out of the house if I didnt delete an old male friend off my fb because he has confesed that he had feelings for me. My Husband on the other hand has a woman on his FB who tried to kiss him - and he wont delete her - says its different because she is just a flirt and the guy in question wouldnt hesitate to screw someone elses wife. MAKES ME NUTS! He can come and go as he pleases, sometimes he doesnt even come home and fails to call yet he expects me to "check in" whenever Im out and if Im gone for longer than he thinks I should be he calls to find out where I am (this is trips to the grocery store) or if Im visiting my parents and say I will be home by a certain time, he calls their house instead of my cell to verify thats where Im really at although he says its because my son wants to know what time Im coming home (when I have already told him and Im not even close to "home" time)....
So controlling for sure.....


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Get the book Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It will help you stop this cycle.


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

Me: Wow.. Look at that hun! I bet yours is tiny compared to his.

Him: *laughs* you didn't seem to mind last night.

LOL that did make me laugh a little. I guess it really is no big deal for him.. Or maybe I'm just really bad at this!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Controllers will always be that way. Do some research to see if he fits the pattern. It will help you understand what's going on.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Turnera - Research on Controllers?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You said that your spouse was controlling. A controlling person is not necessarily abusive, but tries to control his partner because of his insecurity, such as you described: telling you to delete a male FB friend, 'making' you check in, calling you to check on you...

The book I suggested will help you learn about such people and whether the situation can become more dangerous or stifling.

Bottom line - and I learned this after 30 years of just such a situation - it is YOU who is allowing this to happen, and it is YOU who is reinforcing the patterns, every time you give in.

You have the power to stop this struggle by refusing to 'play.' You can refuse to answer the phone when he calls. You can tell your parents not to answer his phone call. You can tell him when you are going somewhere and let him know you will contact him only if you have a problem so don't expect to hear from you until the time you tell him you'll be home.

It's hard and scary to do this, but you need to. Because if you give in, just to keep the peace, he will find other ways to get you to 'prove' you love him, and it usually escalates, until you have no freedom, no faith in yourself, no friends or family, because you'll have given it all up to keep him happy. The problem is, such people will never stop looking for new ways for you to prove yourself; and if you do what they say they need, they'll change the rules. It keeps you on your toes, always worried about upsetting him and wondering what you did or will do wrong - that's what gives him control.

Knowledge is power.


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## pokergirl007 (Mar 17, 2010)

Thank you.... it's helpful. I know I allow it.... Im just trying to find the strength now to change it. I appreciate your advice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being here is huge. Just knowing to look gives you a great chance of fixing things. Mind you, I'm not saying to get rid of him, but to develop a balance that's healthy for both of you.


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## Nicky* (Mar 13, 2010)

*bump*

Been a while since I created this thread but unfortunately for me nothing has gotten better.
He keeps asking WHY I don't like him starring at other girls. He says that it's just like looking at a car... He'll look, find it nice, and move on. However, I don't think it's okay and I can't point out what EXACTLY I find wrong about it. All I know is that once you are in a relationship (and married in particular) you shouldn't feel the need to look at others. He then asks why?
"It doesn't have an affect on our relationship, does it?"
"Yes it does? The fact that I'm unhappy about something and you choose to ignore it does affect our relationship."
"Then explain to me what makes you unhappy? Me finding someone else hot does not have anything to do with my feelings towards you"

[...]

Is there anyone in here who agrees with me and can help me express it to him in a way that will make him understand?

I have already tried giving him a taste of his own medicine, but he honestly does not seem to be bothered about it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

"Love means that you care more for your partner's happiness than your own. So if I say I hurt when you look at other girls, and you do it anyway, you tell me that you put your own happiness ahead of mine."


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