# Anyone else ever feel this way?



## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey ya'll.

Officially divorced as of a few days ago. Yay! Question.........

I can't say that I consciously have any more feelings for my ex-wife, but damn it, I am a curious ****** and the whole experience, despite the positive consequences, has been quite traumatic. I want to know what she is up to and I kind of feel like it's my right to (although I know it's technically not). 

I sent her an e-mail recently and she once again ignored me. We haven't communicated in over a year.

I hate being ignored, especially when I do not believe I am doing anything wrong and I never said anything for her to act so childish (despite the fact that I know she actually is an immature, unforgiving and unreasonable person and this is no surprise). Is it so wrong to ask your ex-wife how she is doing and what she is up to? 

I get it. She has her life and I have mine. She obviously wants nothing to do with me, and frankly I want nothing to do with her. We don't have kids together. It makes sense that we never speak again. 

Just the fact that she cheated, left the house to me (worth over 300K), left her church (she was a weekly participant and teacher), left her job (making well over 50K with stock options), left her non-refundable university classes (right in the middle of her semester) to apparently move in to this small town in the middle of nowhere ...it really makes me wonder why. Isn't this kind of an extreme life change? 

For a long time I blamed myself and it made me fee like crap, but my family and friends have validated that she is a delusional psycho and I am indeed awesome. She is clearly following the generational trend her parents set forth of running and running and running away from her problems.

So that's my question. Is it so wrong to ask your ex-wife how she is doing and what she is up to? Surely she is not obligated to respond, but she left everything behind for what appears to be nothing and that makes absolute zero sense and is just making me so curious.

I know the town she is in because they served her the legal papers. I honestly feel like if I don't get an answer from her soon then a couple of my friends and I are going to go for a cruise and well, I do not feel like wasting gas on a situation that will certainly not end up well. 

I am tired of being curious and I feel like it's not going to go away until I get an answer. It never has before.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

pragmaster said:


> So that's my question. Is it so wrong to ask your ex-wife how she is doing and what she is up to? Surely she is not obligated to respond, but she left everything behind for what appears to be nothing and that makes absolute zero sense and is just making me so curious.


No it's not wrong.

But it's not healthy either.

Try to shift your focus away from her and onto other, better things.

I'm divorced 9 years. My exwife moved out of state to a small town, away from our children and everyone she knew. Thoughts of her rarely cross my mind, yes I wonder if she ever went back to work, ever met a guy, but it really doesn't matter if I don't get the answers, it's more of a passing curiousity.

Yours sounds more like a mild obsession, that will fade over time.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

warshaw said:


> No it's not wrong.
> 
> But it's not healthy either.
> 
> ...


I can happily say that most of the year, at least 300/365 days, I didn't think of her at all. She didn't even enter my mind. Come divorce time my lawyer emailed me to let me know that she was served and that kind of triggered my brain.

It will definitely fade again in time and seeing the legal stuff is all done, probably for good. Lately yeah, mild obsession. 

I feel the exact same over the food I have left in my fridge and don't know what to cook and if I should buy more food or not. Until I open the fridge I am jittery. I am not one for assumptions and guesses I guess you could say.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

She is clearly not only done with your marriage but also her old life. She was a part of your life I get it, but should be kept in your rearview. Leave her alone, she has not responded so going to her new home town to find her is really invasive, IMO. I get that you'd like some sort of "closure" but she doesn't and closure is a myth. Just let her go...


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

kristin2349 said:


> She is clearly not only done with your marriage but also her old life. She was a part of your life I get it, but should be kept in your rearview. Leave her alone, she has not responded so going to her new home town to find her is really invasive, IMO. I get that you'd like some sort of "closure" but she doesn't and closure is a myth. Just let her go...


:iagree:

My ex still foists herself into my life periodically and it can be rather annoying, especially since she was the one who divorced me.


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## TrustlostHearbroken (Jun 22, 2015)

I've been divorced a couple of days now too. My ex left me with everything, including the kids. She's in her own little world with the POSOM. She crosses my mind every now and then. I also wonder what she is doing and what she is thinking. Then I stop myself and focus on other things. It's almost impossible to not think about your ex. After all, you were married. Don't know how long it will take to reach the stage that warshaw is in. I hope it doesn't take 9 years. hehe Even so I am curious also. I know that knowing how my ex is doing or what she is up to would do nothing but prevent me from moving on. You said the words. She has her life now and I have mine. Drawing yourself back into their chaotic life, even so it is just to see how they are doing. Would be a step back, not forward. All you can do is continue your self growth. Achieve the new goals you set for yourself. Allow yourself to fully heal with time. 

I think this is normal. It is still early. I'm still trying to process the fact that I'm officially divorced. I think it will happen when being divorced becomes your new "normal". For me, the status "Divorced" is still sinking in. We still have a long road ahead of us. If the ex decides to answer you back some time in the future. You decide if it is even worth responding to. If she never contacts you ever again, that just something you will have to accept. Whenever I have thoughts of my ex wife, I try to imagine her as an ex GF. I don't care or rarely ever think about any of my ex GF's. It doesn't bother me if I ever see any of them again. I want that same feeling to be with my ex wife. I know the only way to get to that way of thinking is with time. Time seems slow right now, but before you know it. In a blink of an eye. A year will pass and hopefully you will be in a better place then you are right now. 

Time heals all wounds. Allow it to do it's job.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I agree that it is normal to feel curious. But it is also not healthy to dwell on it. My ex left me for nothing, apparently. There was no one else, that I know of. Sometimes I feel worse that nothing was better than me. Sometimes I almost wish there had been something or someone else, at least I would have something to hate. Instead there is just the fact that the love of my life chose nothing over me. It hurts. But I try not to think about it too much, but I have to admit that not too much isn't enough and I hate myself when I allow the thoughts to creep back into my head. I have been tempted to look her up, stalk her, etc etc I think that is normal, but the reality is that until you just let them go, they will always own you. I want to be free, so I resist those urges and so should you OP.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Maybe you should consider your self lucky. Time will fix the rest.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It isnt wrong, but there is just no point. She is doing you a tremendous favor by not responding. You are also very lucky to not have children with her, so you get a clean break and new start. 

Did I read correctly that if she doesnt answer you, you are going to go hunt her down?? Dont do it, just stay away from her. Let. It. Go.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You haven't moved on yet. After all, you're freshly divorced. 

My ex H was in your shoes and I was in your ex W's. He'd email me periodically but I just turned into a robot caring only about the divorce matters. Meanwhile he was acting like we were old friends. It was pretty sad.

You need to channel your mental energies into other, healthier things. Let your ex go.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think you should consider yourself lucky not to have to be tied to her forever because of children, but I think it's normal human nature to wonder what the heck is going on with her. Ya gotta let it go, though, for your own sanity. Maybe someday you'll find out.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think you need to start dating to have some fun. Sitting around in your own head can be a dangerous place. I know I myself had trouble adjusting. I was in a house where my X and I married and had Our kids. Now they were gone and the house seemed so tragically quiet I couldn't stand it. I would get up and go to wal-mart and walk around for hours just so I didn't feel alone because the loss prevention guys were following me. 

Time passes and you date, make some new friends, find some new hobbies and move forward. Soon you will find your new normal and new world. Start inching in that water and you will slowly leave that past behind you.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hey ya'll. Thanks for the replies. 

I agree with most of that. 

I'm usually that guy that forgives and forgets but when I have been royally screwed over, I have that "Italian macho ego" that wants to get in the way. 

She actually is an "old friend" though and it kind of pisses me off that she is treating me like some stranger. It pisses me off that she is in lala land, telling her "new" friends a different story, running as far possible from her problems while I am left to deal with everything. 

She is not doing me a favor at all by not responding. I honestly believe quite the opposite. It's annoying and immature. It's not hard to message someone "OK I GET IT". Heck I don't even care if it's bull****. I hate being ignored. Just a simple acknowledgement of my troubles. Is that so hard to ask?

I dated since, but lately taken a break. I just don't have time for a relationship of any sorts. 

I just feel like the settlement was not fair. It all got signed and certainly things could be perceived as in my favor...but it still feels unjust. 

As much as it really isn't my style, I want to make a point to show her that she cannot hide from her problems. I will make her life a living hell if I have to force a reaction from her. I don't care if she doesn't want to be with me. I don't want to be with her either. You can't just run away all the time. Her family has been allowing this behavior to go on and on and on and on. I am a hippy. I certainly know karma is real. I guess I am just impatient and want to see action. 

I have friends that support this too, so I am kind of divided. Just feel like I can't let go until there is true justice. Why do I want to be Batman????


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> Hey ya'll. Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I agree with most of that.
> 
> ...


As weird as this may sound - ignore your friends - they are just feeding your ego. 
I completely understand how you feel. I could go on for pages about my divorce (an I have) but the fact is - that it doesn't matter. You cannot force her to recognize what she has done. You cannot force her to recognize your long term friendship. You cannot force her to face the consequences of her actions. You cannot change what has happened. You cannot change the settlement. I get that you want to change all of those things. I really do. I feel the same way. But you can't and it is pointless to try. The very best thing you can do is to just accept the lesson and move on with your life. Giving in an making the effort to change anything that happened in the past will only at best delay and at worst prevent you from learning the lesson this experience has offered to you.
There is no justice that you can ever mete out that surpasses simply living your life to the fullest.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Prag, 
This is the path to trouble, possibly prison. 

A strong male role model would be steering you away from this. 

Someday I hope you reach the point where you can read the post below and realize that - that exact mindset - is a contributing factor to much of the lack of happiness in your life. 





pragmaster said:


> Hey ya'll. Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I agree with most of that.
> 
> ...


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

What about doing things like:

-Posting her profile on cheatersville.
-Telling her family her new address (she even hid the info from them!)
-Leaving a note to her "new" friends telling the truth about her. You must understand that she is a criminal with destructive behaviors. She's going to take advantage of others again. You don't know this woman. She actually is ****ing crazy. 

-Straight on confrontation is useless although I do wish we could just talk for 5mins. She would probably just yell and threaten to call the cops or maybe bring out her new bf. I would rather spare myself the embarrassment and an unnecessary fight. 

-Slashing her tires or causing damage to her physical property is just dumb. I'd get someone else to do that, but even then, i'm sure it's traceable and could come back to me.

So letting go and forgetting about is for sure the best way. 

I just know her. She's crazy and destructive. She is inadvertently bringing out my inner psycho. Lol.

I just wish there was a simple, non-evil way of taking care of the problem that is her.


And no dude. I am living a happy life. I have role models. You probably wouldn't like them.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I've never met someone who is very focused on hurting an ex spouse (who just wants to be left alone) AND is also happy. 

Happy people just don't do this kind of stuff. 




pragmaster said:


> What about doing things like:
> 
> -Posting her profile on cheatersville.
> -Telling her family her new address (she even hid the info from them!)
> ...


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> Hey ya'll. Thanks for the replies.
> 
> I agree with most of that.
> 
> ...


Yeah... You need to learn indifference. Life is sometimes royally unfair, but figuratively building the mountain of hate for you to die on isn't going to net you progress, it's just going to make you look bitter and regretful. Being indifferent actually allows you to get on with more important things, like learning to deal with your Italian machismo. The fictional Tony Soprano made it look good, and we all know what he did for a living...


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I know I know. Just venting steam folks. Like I said, I've been doing very very good. Recent events have just made me head spin a bit and it bothers me that she isn't getting her share of the debt. Why do I have to respect her wishes if she cannot respect mine? 

It's not hate. It's simple justice or childish vengeance for lack of a better word. Yeah, friends and family are definitely fueling the ego, but what difference does it makes if I am willing to accept the consequences of my own actions, despite what they may be? All I want to do is find out her coordinates and make it aware to her so that she knows she cannot run from her family and friends. Forget me from the equation here. She has hurt many people in the process. This is not the first time she has ran away folks. She's a runner. Do we just let these people keep running? What's wrong with hurting someone you don't care about anymore, for the greater good of society? (yes, I support the old-world rhetoric) 

I said I am happy...but I never claimed to be a "good" person, in the moral sense. I would never physically hurt her, but I would certainly not protect her from such harm either. 

mouth vomit mouth vomit mouth vomit...argh.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

I am just tired of being ignored. It brings up past feelings.

My mother used to give the silent treatment all the time. It's not something I handle well at all. Eventually I learned that a simple way of getting her to respond was by doing something crazy, or by simply pretending that "no answer" meant "yes", to whatever thing I was requesting. 

I never really got over it, but I did promise myself I would never ever do that to someone else. Even that hobo on the corner who asks a simple question... I make an effort to not ignore anybody in this world even if it's a "no, sorry, not interested". 

I am quite a detached person overall. I've broken up and been broken up from a fair share of recent relationships. I don't care if someone doesn't get back to me. People are busy and I am not the center of the world. I get that and it's okay. 

As far this ex-wife goes, I just hope she gets what's coming her way.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> As far this ex-wife goes, I just hope she gets what's coming her way.


She will, you just have to trust nature to run its course. She will end up getting burned herself. She will end up with a loser. She will die lonely. She will get hers. Whatever. Allow karma to work its magic. In the meantime allow karma to work for you by being the best that you can be and reaping the benefits of your good fortune.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

pragmaster said:


> She's a runner.


This is the the answer to all your questions.

You need not look further than this.

If you still insist on asking why, here's the best answer that can explain her completely.

*BECAUSE*

Nothing more, nothing less.

It's not right.

It's not fair.

It just is.

Once you accept that, you will begin your shift to indifference.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You've gotten some great advice here. She may or may not ever get her trip on the karma bus. Doesn't really matter. 

She was married to you, she knows how to get under your skin. Don't give her the window. Move on, enjoy life. You may have 99 problems but she isn't one anymore.

How do you feel about the house? Maybe sell it and get a condo? Saves some time on maintaining and chores, more free time to get out and have fun. 

No relationships for a while is a great idea. Doesn't mean you can't go out and be social. Practice flirting, it's awesome. Best part of being a single, responsible and self sufficient man is that you my friend are a hot commodity. Enjoy it.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Acoa said:


> You've gotten some great advice here. She may or may not ever get her trip on the karma bus. Doesn't really matter.
> 
> She was married to you, she knows how to get under your skin. Don't give her the window. Move on, enjoy life. You may have 99 problems but she isn't one anymore.
> 
> ...



Thanks everyone. Today I am feeling great. Yikes. What an emo day yesterday. 

You know, I am not too sure what to do about the house. Probably finish the backyard and sell it. I don't think I will be able to get my mortgage renewed as I am also going through a consumer proposal (it's kind of like a light version of a bankruptcy). Probably end up renting a new place close to work. I think one of the reasons I am having trouble moving on is because I am living in the house I shared with my ex before she left. So many memories. Definitely will help to get out of here. 

As far as the last paragraph goes...I have mixed feelings. I love going out and having fun with my friends, but when it comes to flirting I only actually do it when I want to have sex with a woman. I'm pretty selective about that and it works great for me. That being said though, I am a jester and comedian and love to laugh at ridiculous offensive jokes and I've been told I am rarely off my game. Lol. I'm a riot. It's always a good time.   . 

I do not believe myself to be a hot commodity though. I am divorced and that in itself is a turnoff to some. Frankly though, I'd rather be alone then settle for less. And I enjoy my own company most of all. 

As it sits right now, I crave silence and solitude. I have renters at home and I have many friends and it's tough to find quiet time.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

pragmaster said:


> As far as the last paragraph goes...I have mixed feelings. I love going out and having fun with my friends, but when it comes to flirting I only actually do it when I want to have sex with a woman. I'm pretty selective about that and it works great for me. That being said though, I am a jester and comedian and love to laugh at ridiculous offensive jokes and I've been told I am rarely off my game. Lol. I'm a riot. It's always a good time.   .
> .


That's married man thinking. Flirting doesn't have to have a goal. It can be fun in and of itself, and almost more so when you are not fixated on it leading to sex. Women are much more relaxed when you are being light and fun. Women will take an entirely different view of you when you compliment them on something, ask a few fun questions (non sexual) then bid them farewell. Most are so used to being pawed at by creeps that when a guy flirts then walks off it puzzles them and they want to find out more. 

Don't look to them to be a shoulder to cry on. Use a therapist, priest or friend for that. There are people out there who are attracted to pain like moths to a flame. Not healthy. When asked, I'll say I'm divorced, but I won't elaborate. Over time the story will get told if things turn into a relationship. If it's not a relationship, no point wasting time on that tripe. Just have fun. 

I flirted for months before I started dating. One unanticipated outcome was that when I did start dating I had no trouble finding a date. Over five months I went out with a couple dozen different women. There are some really good women out there. Some crazy ones too. I wish they came with warning labels. (I'm sure they say the same about us men).


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Acoa said:


> That's married man thinking. Flirting doesn't have to have a goal. It can be fun in and of itself, and almost more so when you are not fixated on it leading to sex. Women are much more relaxed when you are being light and fun. Women will take an entirely different view of you when you compliment them on something, ask a few fun questions (non sexual) then bid them farewell. Most are so used to being pawed at by creeps that when a guy flirts then walks off it puzzles them and they want to find out more.
> 
> Don't look to them to be a shoulder to cry on. Use a therapist, priest or friend for that. There are people out there who are attracted to pain like moths to a flame. Not healthy. When asked, I'll say I'm divorced, but I won't elaborate. Over time the story will get told if things turn into a relationship. If it's not a relationship, no point wasting time on that tripe. Just have fun.
> 
> I flirted for months before I started dating. One unanticipated outcome was that when I did start dating I had no trouble finding a date. Over five months I went out with a couple dozen different women. There are some really good women out there. Some crazy ones too. I wish they came with warning labels. (I'm sure they say the same about us men).


Can you please elaborate on paragraph 1? I have these questions for you.

-I know what you mean, but isn't flirting inherently sexy? Is it possible to flirt but not give off a sexual vibe?

-Why on earth would you flirt with your friends? I have one friend and if I try flirting with her she gives me a "hell no" look. lol. And there have been occasions where I tried to flirt but the women were clearly not interested. Some even found it sexist. Maybe I am doing it wrong...(?)...but then again with others the chemistry was spot on and effortless. 

-What is the difference between being a goof vs being a flirt? Isn't it all about having light fun? I'm naturally a goof. 

I can't say I don't like flirting and having fun. I do...but to be honest after 5 minutes I get insanely bored of the lack of intellectual stimuli. I need deep intellectual conversations and I like learning about people. I've been on dates where all we did as flirt and had fun but by the end I realized I knew nothing about them.

Yep with paragraph 2. 

I tend to meet women through friends and friends of friends these days. At parties or social gatherings. It's not that I don't have the courage to ask "randoms" out, it's that it's awkward and forced. Unless there is an obvious chemistry, I don't bother at all. 

Maybe "out there" there are lots of really good women, but man you need to come where I live. There's about 4 guys for every girl here. When I was in Seattle for vacation a few weeks ago I honestly felt like it was the exact opposite. There are very few opportunities here, and I refuse to settle with someone who is obeise, a drug addict, or pardon the expression "typical white girl".


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

pragmaster said:


> Maybe "out there" there are lots of really good women, but man you need to come where I live. There's about 4 guys for every girl here. When I was in Seattle for vacation a few weeks ago I honestly felt like it was the exact opposite. There are very few opportunities here, and I refuse to settle with someone who is obeise, a drug addict, or pardon the expression "typical white girl".


I really think that that is just a matter of being attached to expectations. I am guilty of that myself.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Yeah, never flirting with friends. Just striking up conversations with random strangers. A complement, a brief conversation, then move along. Especially in places you frequent like stores and restaurants.


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