# Grey Rock Help



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

As some of you may know, I am going through a D but still living with my STBX and our two twins. I am trying to focus on myself and not worry about what she is up to, but it is so damn difficult. I see all the new clothes, underwear, the comings and goings, her head buried in her phone all the time, texting, making plans, etc.

Here are some of the things I am doing:


moved into my own room
joined a gym
cut back on alcohol
been more involved in my older daughter's life and wedding plans
still seeing IC every two weeks
spending more time with my kids here at home and taking them out more
lost 35 pounds and am very close to my goal weight
reading Rationale Male 
watching you tube videos on grey rock and dealing with a narcissist

Some of the things I think I can be doing:


reconnecting with friends
picking up a hobby (don't know what though)
I did schedule an appointment for a memorial tattoo for my dad that I always wanted but decided against years ago

I am still compelled to snoop when she's not home and it makes me feel weak. I don't think I'd have these issues or feelings if I was out of the house, but that is not an option right now. 
Any other suggestions or any links to any videos any of you have used? Thanks!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The main thing is getting out and focusing on something else.

Snooping at this time is a form of contact and will just give her your headspace. It's getting you nothing.

Find something you can do with the kids. Swim class, cooking classes, art classes, etc.

How old are the kids?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You see a lot talk no contact but never get there because they don't fully apply it.

You probably know what to do but doing it is another thing.

If you haven't you'd be wise to inform the kids in a sanitized way of what's going on so they don't get blindsided. They'll probably get introduced to the other guy soon.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Marc878 said:


> You see a lot talk no contact but never get there because they don't fully apply it.
> 
> You probably know what to do but doing it is another thing.
> 
> If you haven't you'd be wise to inform the kids in a sanitized way of what's going on so they don't get blindsided. They'll probably get introduced to the other guy soon.



The kids are 8. When we were on vacation after Christmas, I did talk to them about the D and what to expect. I tried to answer any of their questions in the most neutral way possible. Your comment about knowing what to do but having difficulty following through is spot on.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@RebuildingMe To help, especially with the no contact, I would say try to avoid being in the same room with her whenever you can, so then you won't have to see as much. And definitely don't snoop. You want to, but it will make you feel awful. Just don't. 

Check out local MeetUps in your area to explore some new activities, and take the kids to do stuff, too. Anything to keep you busy.

You might want to move this thread to the "Going Through Divorce" subforum. You might get more (and better) responses there. Any of the mods can take care of that for you.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Thank you FP. 

Mods, can you move this to the divorce forum? Is that a protected forum? Still learning how to navigate here. Thanks!


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

I think you are doing amazingly well (your list)--even if it doesn't feel like it. You have started on the road to freedom. It will be a slow journey.

The more I learned about Narcissism, the more I understood. I realized that Life is Not Fair and I can't change that. I didn't have TAM. Glad you are a participant.

When we had to live together, we were much further into our marriage and I was gutted--little jealousy left. I still liked to know certain things--i.e., he was out of town--so I could really relax. The stress was, so I thought. Then I figured out that it did not matter--again, my saying, but I was letting him live rent free in my head. My life had to be driven by me aas much as possible with him minimized as much as possible.

My kids were older than yours and were supportive. I still worked on being a better mom. Discussed my divorce issues with no one. Held my head high. Prayed for guidance. Ignored his public and private lies, accusations, insinuations. Years later this has proven to be a good choice. Be strong, have courage, tomorrow is worth your state of today.

See OP's post above: @lifeistooshort, @farsidejunky, @Deejo, @MEM2020, @MattMatt, @Lila
Administrator: @EleGirl


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> ... Some of the things I think I can be doing:
> 
> 
> reconnecting with friends
> ...


For reconnecting with friends, I recommend that you choose a few you remember and have missed, and suggest that the two of you get together AND DO SOMETHING. For example, remember the guy who used to be your best friend in college? Yeah, he's divorced now too and the two of you used to just LOVE going to bluegrass concerts, so look for a bluegrass concert and invite him...or send him a link and say "Hey, buddy, remember when?" and then talk to him. The idea is twofold: 1) reconnect with a friend and 2) remember something you used to like doing. 

For picking up a hobby, I have a couple ideas which will take you a tiny bit out of your comfort zone but also make you a more interesting human being:

You say you have a gym membership. Okay moving is good--but how about starting an activity that involves a race or competition of some kind? I personally started walking, then started walking 5ks for charities and lo and behold! I met people! You could do anything from joining the church softball team to signing up for a marathon. 
Learn to de-stress and relax... with something different like yoga, meditating, tai chi, or praying. By this I mean join a group where this new thing is taught, and a) you'll meet people and b) you will learn to calm yourself. I personally think of this both as a way to de-stress and as a way to care for my spiritual life. 
Do something artistic. Now I've always been a little crafty and I like crocheting and whatnot, but I've never been a painter, so I tried it. Turns out I'm not really very good at painting, but it was fun to learn what I needed, it was fun to take a class at the local Hobby Lobby, and it was fun to realize what I see and what I paint are NOT even close! LOL And art doesn't have to be painting--it could be anything creative that you've always wanted to try. Could be drawing. Could be quilting (hey...lots of chicks at quilting circles! LOL). Could be writing. Could be poetry. Could be restoring old cars. Could be carving. Could be woodworking. Just pick one and try it. 
Learn how to cook. I'm sure you THINK you already know how to cook, but really? For ONE? And do you really know how to cook authentic Thai food? You can join a community college class, or even just look up recipes from other countries and try them (and laugh at yourself), but again, you MEET PEOPLE when you have to figure out where in town is the bloodwurst. Okay here is an easy one to start you off: a traditional English breakfast. GO!
Gardening. Again, just do it. Maybe you have a natural green thumb and you'll be able to grow food for yourself and your family year-round. Or maybe everything you touch dies and you don't know you are a vegetable killer. But either way, you won't know until you try! I personally find that gardening is one of those calming activities for me--there is something very peaceful about plants. I'm not great at it, but I like to care for my plants, and I like that I can eat what I've grown so that I know it's good for me. 
Go where no man (you) has gone before! LOL No seriously. Remember how you've always wanted to go over to ___ and look at the mountain/lava field/glacier? Yeah, it's just one state away...go do it. You can plan your own trips or go on those tours. Me? I am not rich so I don't do a bunch of international travel, but I get to go around the US with my job once a year, and I plan one other trip once a year, AND THEN...I take all year having the fun of researching what roads do I want to take? what's along the way? what do I want to see? etc. Now I'm a "go with the flow" traveler, so I don't have a schedule or a really hard set "course" but I do have a couple ideas, and the day of the trip, I pick one! If I miss something I wanted to see I don't double back...I see if there's something I didn't KNOW OF and see that instead. The idea is that a change of scenery can be very therapeutic (even if it's just the next town over). Go!!
Turn one of your hobbies into some income. This one is super fun. What are you REALLY good at? Can you think of a way to make some $$ from it? Etsy? Squarespace? Wix? Make yourself a little site and sell your stuff! Or sell yourself if you are an expert at something. 




RebuildingMe said:


> I am still compelled to snoop when she's not home and it makes me feel weak. I don't think I'd have these issues or feelings if I was out of the house, but that is not an option right now.
> Any other suggestions or any links to any videos any of you have used? Thanks!


There is a link for the 180 U Turn in my signature, and although that's not Gray Rock, it might be helpful because the idea is that what you've been doing hasn't worked well so far...so do the opposite. LOL 

Regarding feeling like you're compelled to snoop, let me just say this: that desire based in fear. Yeah you think it's because don't trust her, but really it's because you don't love YOU. You are enough. You are a great partner for someone--it's just not her. The only thing that can happen from snooping is a) you'll find something or b) you won't. If you do find something, you'll be hurt. If you don't find something you'll just wonder if she hid it better. Either way, you are harmed. Why do that to yourself? Next time you feel "compelled" think of this stop sign:










You are in charge of you...not your compulsions. Tell it to stop and then give yourself something else to think of or do.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

RebuildingMe said:


> Thank you FP.
> 
> Mods, can you move this to the divorce forum? Is that a protected forum? Still learning how to navigate here. Thanks!


Moved per your request.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Divorce forum is not protected you’d have to request a move it to private but you may not get the info you need there.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

RebuildingMe said:


> As some of you may know, I am going through a D but still living with my STBX and our two twins. I am trying to focus on myself and not worry about what she is up to, but it is so damn difficult. I see all the new clothes, underwear, the comings and goings, her head buried in her phone all the time, texting, making plans, etc.
> 
> Here are some of the things I am doing:
> 
> ...


All good stuff.

She's clearly dating, so get used to that, and maybe be open to (very casually!) doing that yourself.

My best buddy wrote me a stickie note and had me put it on my phone - so every time I wanted to call her, I had to look at a note that said something like "don't be an idiot, call me instead" with his number on it. Maybe something like that could help you? Every time you have a compulsion to snoop or even give a **** what she's doing, call a buddy instead?

PS I don't recommend the rational male or any other red pill garbage that's going to distort your thinking about women. Perhaps someone like @EleGirl could recommend some more balanced and insightful books if you're interested.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

RebuildingMe said:


> The kids are 8. When we were on vacation after Christmas, I did talk to them about the D and what to expect. I tried to answer any of their questions in the most neutral way possible. *Your comment about knowing what to do but having difficulty following through is spot on.*


Ok. Got it.

First off you must learn to ignore. You like most were brought up to be nice which means always respond, etc. That will work against you in this situation. Always be civil but ask yourself (do I need to respond)? In a lot of cases you don’t. Try and keep communication to text or email and keep it short. A yes or no is good. Contact will always take up headspace. 

Cut out any unnecessary interaction. She’s cheating right in front on you and you don’t owe her a thing. *Learn to ignore*

Read up, it’s short and will give you great insight.
https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I agree that the 180 would be more applicable in your situation than gray rocking. Gray rock is when you dont respond to to your PA/narcissist... response is what feeds them. 180 is more about learning to detach and how to interact in more of a businesslike manner than emotional.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

OP........ Been where you are, as has most others. It's HARD at first but it sure beats the wallowing

in misery. Your W obviously is giving herself to another man. I hope in your shoes, that is a deal breaker.

To this day, seven years later, I never knew if my then W was cheating on me. Just her walking 

out on 15 years without trying, was enough for me to say "bye bye." Did she cheat, ever find out?

Well she made reaches for me for years, wanting to talk and.... y'know. If she did, LOL she made a piss 

poor choice. Don't care......walking out on our M was enough disrespect for me to pull the D trigger.

I have not one time regretted it. She is in your rear view window. It's you and the kids now.

Her fantasy land BS will not last but that's on her. But I warn you....when her world falls apart, she

will try to run to you. With healthy boundaries you will know better.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Just a bit of an update. I reconnected with college friends last night for a poker game. I hadn’t seen some of these guys in over a year. I mentioned the divorce towards the middle of the night and I got the usual “I’m sorry” “what happened”, etc. After we wrapped up at about 2am, most of the guys left. Two hung back to talk to me more privately. They shared their own struggles with their marriages and kids. We hung out another 2 hours. It was so wonderful to have their support. One actually offered me a place to stay if I ever needed to just “get out”. I was so happy I went last night. You really know who your true friends are when you’re down and out. Coming home last night it really hit me that I am going to make it through this.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Just a bit of an update. I reconnected with college friends last night for a poker game. I hadn’t seen some of these guys in over a year. I mentioned the divorce towards the middle of the night and I got the usual “I’m sorry” “what happened”, etc. After we wrapped up at about 2am, most of the guys left. Two hung back to talk to me more privately. They shared their own struggles with their marriages and kids. We hung out another 2 hours. It was so wonderful to have their support. One actually offered me a place to stay if I ever needed to just “get out”. I was so happy I went last night. You really know who your true friends are when you’re down and out. Coming home last night it really hit me that I am going to make it through this.


*Awfully glad to see you're getting out ~ keep it up! It should help you retain your sanity and well-being!*


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

RebuildingMe said:


> Just a bit of an update. I reconnected with college friends last night for a poker game. I hadn’t seen some of these guys in over a year. I mentioned the divorce towards the middle of the night and I got the usual “I’m sorry” “what happened”, etc. After we wrapped up at about 2am, most of the guys left. Two hung back to talk to me more privately. They shared their own struggles with their marriages and kids. We hung out another 2 hours. It was so wonderful to have their support. One actually offered me a place to stay if I ever needed to just “get out”. I was so happy I went last night. You really know who your true friends are when you’re down and out. Coming home last night it really hit me that I am going to make it through this.


I'm really glad to hear this. A lot of men have a much harder time with divorce than women because women (generally) have a stronger social network and support system than men do... a lot of men don't have a best friend or a group of male friends with whom they can have emotionally intimate conversations to process and deal with what is happening. (As an aside, a husband not having close male friends is hard on a marriage, too, because in the absence of close male friends, it falls on the wife's shoulders to provide extra support to her husband, and that's kind of unfair to her, and can lead to resentment. So male friends are important across the board, regardless of marital status.)

I want to encourage you to foster your friendships especially with these two guys who hung back to talk with you. It is likely that they need the friendship as much as you do, and it will make a world of difference in your healing and moving forward.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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