# How to trust again?



## dascki (Mar 4, 2014)

I opened the "new thread" box about 5 times and kept chickening out. 

I'll start out by saying that I want my marriage to work and love my family so much. But I feel like I'm slowly destroying it.

Situation:
My husband was texted a guy named "Sean" and said it was an employee at work. Well I opened his phone and saw the texts. It read:
Sean: Good morning
DH: Morning. Tell me you aren't awake! You onyl got 6 hours of sleep
Sean: Yeah
DH: Why don't you go to bed cutie?
Sean: Miss you
DH: Miss you too
Sean: Yeah I think I'll get more sleep
DH: Alright I'll text you in an hour.
DH: Mwuah!

So of course I freak out and I call the number. Sure enough, I get the voicemail and it says "Hi! You reached Sarah"

So I am hurt and lost and sure my husband is being unfaithful. I confront him and he says it's a girl he met at work (he says it was one of his employee's friends) and that he talks to her and her boyfriend. I asked why he named her Sean and he said he was worried about making me jealous. (Also, he has an employee named Sarah but he said it was a different girl).

So a few days later I finally catch him in his lie and guess what? The Sarah he was texting is indeed the same girl that works for him. I almost left him but I decided to stay and think about this.

He tells me that 100% he was not cheating on me and I really do believe him. He had stress at work and he said he wanted someone to talk to (we just moved to a new city so he doesn't have any friends here). 

Well a few weeks later she calls him at 2 am, because her boyfriend just proposed and I got really upset. He told me he had a sit down with her and explained that there is no friendship there and that the call was insanely inappropriate.

Every since then I've been trying to build the trust back into our marriage (it's been 3 months now) but I just can't. Every time he has to stay a little late, or he leaves the house for any reason I start thinking he's cheating on me. I hate myself for feeling this way, but he hurt the trust we had. I just don't see a cheater when I look at him. 

I'm not sure what to do. But I don't want to ruin a marriage over this. I want it to be as strong as it used to be. 

Thank you for any support/advice.

**I should note that he is trying to do everything he can think of to regain my trust. Like tonight he is going to be an hour late, and he keeps texting me to give me status updates and what not.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

dascki said:


> Every since then I've been trying to build the trust back into our marriage (it's been 3 months now) but I just can't. Every time he has to stay a little late, or he leaves the house for any reason I start thinking he's cheating on me. I hate myself for feeling this way, but he hurt the trust we had. I just don't see a cheater when I look at him.


He lied to you, because he knew what he was doing was inappropriate. He was covering up for his bad behavior. You did not do anything to break the trust, so you cannot rebuild it. He has to do that. He needs to learn how to make it up to you and to show you that you are his priority and he would not do anything to hurt you again. You cannot trust him until he proves that he is trustworthy.



dascki said:


> I'm not sure what to do. But I don't want to ruin a marriage over this. I want it to be as strong as it used to be.


You are not ruining the marriage over this. He is the one who was basically cheating on you and lying to you about it.
You two need a plan to set healthy boundaries and rebuild what he has broken.



dascki said:


> **I should note that he is trying to do everything he can think of to regain my trust. Like tonight he is going to be an hour late, and he keeps texting me to give me status updates and what not.


This is a good start, but you need to have a plan for dealing with this effectively, so that he never does anything like this again and so he recognizes that he could lose you with this type of behavior.
Do you have a career? Are you able to support yourself? Do you have children together?


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## dascki (Mar 4, 2014)

CynthiaDe, thank you for the response. I don't have a career, but I am in the process of getting my engineering degree, so it's a start (I'm 3 years away from getting it). We have a baby together.

I don't think that it's my fault or that I caused any of that to happen. I just feel like I am being unfair, because I feel like I'm not giving the marriage a chance to heal. I constantly go into the "he is cheating on me" mindset. 

Before this, our marriage was amazing. There were no trust, communication, or any other issues. His career is thriving, our home life was great.  I feel like he ruined a beautiful thing and I resent his actions so much.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

dascki said:


> Before this, our marriage was amazing. There were no trust, communication, or any other issues. His career is thriving, our home life was great.  I feel like he ruined a beautiful thing and I resent his actions so much.


Hugs to you. I am sorry you are feeling this way. It is perfectly normal for you to be upset about this. I have an article that you might find helpful in understanding why you are so upset. Why You Are So Upset With Your Husband | The Feminine Review: Homemaking, Family and the World
Again, this is perfectly normal and this is not your fault. There has to be a plan for resolving the hurt your husband has caused you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

R takes time. A lot of time. And it's hard. Triggers can happen years later. It's not a quick process.


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## dascki (Mar 4, 2014)

Thank you, I'll read that now 

Openminded- I know, I wish I could speed up the process (who wouldn't?). Thanks for your post <3


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