# About to give up...



## LLQ (Sep 12, 2011)

My husband and I started dating 5 years ago. It was great...and we got engaged on our 1yr anniversary of meeting and dating. I had been a single mother with 2 children for over three years, owned my own home, paid for my own vehicle and did really good for myself & my children. I sold my house and everything in it (minus some decorating items, personal clothing & special things, and my childrens furniture & toys etc.) put in my 2 week notice at my job of over 8 years as a banker to move about an hour away and in with him. When we first got together, both of his daughters had always lived with their mother (7 hrs away), but after many years and finally being caught for her horrible ways, his daughters had to live with another family member for a while. When I moved in with him, I drove 7hrs away to pack his youngest daughters things and move her in with us. In the meantime, my son (oldest child of mine) completely broke my heart by telling me that he wanted to move in with his dad  That is a totally different story...Anyhow, it was my now husband, his daughter (age 12), my daughter (age 4-5) and I. The first year was quite disappointing at times....realizing that it was not BLISS. His daughter had a terrible time with mine and vice versa. I have always made my children respect him and they know he is involved with all of the decision making. We just celebrated our 3rd wedding anniversary and I am terribly sad to report that not many things have changed. I try my best to discepline my children (even though I am not good at it) but he does not discepline his AT ALL!! His daughters get anything they want (even has a credit card to our charge account) and she does absolutely NOTHING!! Everything is handed over to his girls on a golden platter, while I make mine clean the bathroom for skating rink/movie theatre money or do something to "earn" it. His daughter is never made to do anything. She is now going to be 17 this month and she still does absolutely nothing. Most of the time when I get off work, she is already sleeping, reading or just laying on her backside. I work a full time job and my husband is gone working for sometimes 5 days at a time. He has been taking away 3/4 of my monthly pay because I have an "allowance". He has gone through my personal bank statements with a highlighter to calculate how much money I spent "eating out". He has been very controlling and anytime we get into an argument, he takes something away. My phone, shuts of credit cards, he even turned my debit card off to my own personal banking account.....at the bank in which I am employed!! But he continuously hands over money to his girls. I recently found out that he was "keeping track" of how many times I cooked this summer....even though the kids were practically never home and we had no routine...I was spending every single evening and weekends working in the yard...to the point that I have carple tunnel in my wrist! (in other words, I was NOT laying on my backside, I was working my butt off on OUR yard) But it still didn't matter. He complains about my children all the time but I don't dare utter a negative word about one of "his girls". They are the allmighty offspring of "him" and do no wrong!! My daughter is now 10 and has it all figured out!! She makes comments to me about how her and my step-daughter are treated differently. I will get onto my daughter for leaving her bowl at the table from breakfast....yet not say a word to his daughter, just pick it up and save my breath/argument. My daughter is totally seeing how unfair it is and even though everyone has to learn that life is unfair....it makes me so so very sad. He lies to me about how much money he gives them and many other things. I recently caught him in a very big lie and it hurt my feelings terribly. We got into a fight about it and he got physical with me. I just do not know what to do anymore. I know that I am not a priority to him. I come 2nd or 3rd. I had hoped that in time, it would get better, but it has not. His daughters are his #1 and I don't know what to do. He only notices me and my children's flaws, not his. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

My immediate thought when I hear about physical issues is to advise to leave but I'd imagine the money is locked up.

Open an individual checking account and have your check deposited there. Talk to friends/family who can give you a place to stay. 

Get out while you can.


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## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Get out asap, get as much help and support as you can and get your plan sorted out. You need to get out if it has got physical...there is no going back after that...believe me, it only gets worse. Get a lawyer x


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## Moulin (Jul 30, 2013)

MissFroggie is right. Once violence begins, it typically escalates.


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## LLQ (Sep 12, 2011)

A few years ago, I drank quite a bit. I guess because it was so hard and frustrating that I didn't know what to do or how to make it better. One night we went to a gathering to watch a football game and his daughter babysat mine. We didn't even hit the city limits and she was texting her dad about my daughter. Neither of them said anything to me. It was at the party when he told me what Lauren was texting and I was furious....and of course had been drinking. When we got home, it was late and his daughter text him again....something negative about my daughter and I got out of bed and headed to her door. I told her that if she had a problem with my daughter that she needs to address it with me....not taddle to her dad every chance she gets (just to make herself look better). That was the very first time we had a physical altercation. He came up behind me and threw me down on the ground. We had one other argument where he threw a couple things at me....I had been drinking. So, moral of the story here is: He blamed any fight we got into, on me drinking. Since then, I have learned that drinking does not make problems go away. It has been 1 1/2 years since the last time I have been drinking. He doesn't have anything to blame it on now. I realized that I needed to change some things about myself and how I handle things, so I did. But he has not made any changes. I went straight back to work, walked up to the teller station and withdrew everything but $10.00 in our savings account. I got a cashiers check, made payable to myself and put it in my lock box. But, the bank statement came 2 days ago and he called in a panic wanting to know where all "our" money went. I love him but this divided house is not working for me. I will never be as important to him. Will it get better? or worse???


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## MyHappyPlace (Aug 11, 2013)

This has gone on entirely too long and will never get better! Unfortunately, if it had been addressed 4 years ago when it started, there may have been a chance (though probably small) that it could have been resolved. But at this point, his daughter will never respect you, your daughter has built up a ton of resentment, and your H has learned he can control everything. How dare him take YOUR earnings and then dole it out to his children! Get a personal account that he is not a part of and get your paychecks deposited there and file for divorce! Seriously, at the very least, you are destroying your relationship with your daughter by staying. You stated that she notices the differences in how she and the older child are treated and that will do nothing good for the two of you. She most likely sees it as you favoring the older girl since you clean up after her, but not the younger one. At her age, even if you tell her "it's just to avoid the battles" what is she going to do/feel? Either she will not believe you and rightly think it is totally unfair and resent you, or she'll learn that if she fights you enough, she can get out of being responsible too. Are either of those scenarios you are willing to live with?
You two never created a blended family. You merely put a bunch of people in a house but everyone stayed separated. This is evidenced by the fact that you still refer to the children as "yours" and "his" and that they are treated so differently by each of you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why did you give up so much control of your life? You were an independent business woman, obviously able to handle your stuff on your own.

Personally, I think some counselling and therapy as to why you're allowing this to go on would be a great first step. He won't like that, because it means losing control, though. So I think investigating ways that you can get out from under his thumb might be a necessity as well.

Have you ever done any reading on abused women, and the symptoms of an abusive relationship?

C


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Looks like the problems are significant and your children are not benefiting. Can't say you should continue.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

You and your daughter need to get out. Find a counselor who can help you make safe plans.


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