# It's a stupid little thing but I need a man's advice...



## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

My husband and I spend a lot of our (rare because we are opposite schedules) time together watching shows on the computer or movies. My husband has an almost absurdly vast knowledge of cinema, directors, producers, backgrounds of how a movie was made, and so on. I've done a fair amount of theater in my life on the acting side, and I prefer to appreciate the character aspect of it and don't really care to know about the "magic" behind the films. At any rate, I have expressed this to him before, but whenever a movie or television show is on, *he will not shut up.* He literally talks and talks and talks and talks, about the directors, about the details behind the movies, etcetera. I have told him politely many times that I am not interested in these types of details, and I will even pause what we are watching so he can finish talking... but it's really starting to ruin that time together. A lot. I mean I'd like to be able to watch a movie without someone blathering at me the whole time. Especially because I am hearing impaired and I can't look at his face and read the subtitles/watch the screen at the same time... I feel like if the situation was reversed it would be me giving a lengthy summation on the history of dirt while he was trying to do something HE enjoyed. I don't know. I'm sure I'm over-reacting but it just really annoys the heck out of me and he doesn't seem to be taking the obvious 'hints' I am throwing his way. 

Can someone please tell me how to peacefully get him to be quiet during movies and shows without hurting his feelings? PLEEEEAAASE?


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

It is not common for a husband and wife to have the same kind of topics they both like to talk about. That's why a husband needs his male friends, and a wife needs her female friends. 

But it is important for a husband and wife to have daily conversation, then it is important for one spouse to be interested in the other one's hobby. 

I feel that movie is your husband's hobby, he likes to talk about all these, and he likes to feel good that he knows a lot about these movies. If you are interested in what he is talking about, he will feel great and respected. By the same token, when you talk about what you are interested, he will be more willing to participate. 

My husband likes to talk about movies too, he gives me all the details, I just listen, I know that's his hobby, now I know a lot of Hollywood movie stars and their background . I tell him he is wonderful for knowing all this stuff. He likes to talk about coffee too, it is his hobby. He gives me all the details. Believe me, I don't need to know all the information. But it is his hobby, he likes to talk about it, he needs some one to talk to, I want to be the one he wants to have conversation with, so I listen, I pay attention. After a couple of years, I have learned quite a lot about coffee beans, roasting, making coffee. I also know a lot about his shaving. 

If you want people to talk to you, let them talk about what they like to talk about. It might be too much, but you will find that they love you a lot!


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

greenpearl said:


> It is not common for a husband and wife to have the same kind of topics they both like to talk about. That's why a husband needs his male friends, and a wife needs her female friends.
> 
> But it is important for a husband and wife to have daily conversation, then it is important for one spouse to be interested in the other one's hobby.
> 
> ...


I am all for him having this interest and discussing it with me sometimes, but couldn't he talk about it when I wasn't trying to focus on something? That seems like it would be the polite thing to do.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

AvaTara539 said:


> I am all for him having this interest and discussing it with me sometimes, but couldn't he talk about it when I wasn't trying to focus on something? That seems like it would be the polite thing to do.


He might think it is important for you to know all the information he knows. 

My husband does it too. He pauses and gives me some background information, then continues. It doesn't take much time, I just let him do it. 

For country music, he pauses and tells me what the song is about. I find it very enlightening. 

But you can jokingly tell him he is a guru about movies, you don't want to be a guru about this.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I know what you mean. I am also slightly hard of hearing and I really have to concentrate on a movie or TV show. My wife has always had the annoying habit of breaking into the middle of TV dialogue with "What did he say?" No matter how much I asked, she wouldn't quit doing it. Even when I would get mad, she wouldn't quit. Eventually, I stopped watching TV with her. She finally asked me one day, "Why won't you watch TV or movies with me anymore?" I told her, "When you interrupt the TV to ask me what someone said or what's going on, I have to quit watching to explain the last scene. Now neither one of us knows what's happening now. I don't want to watch 20 minutes of a movie and lose the rest of it, so I don't watch anymore."
Eventually, she got tired of watching alone and learned to pay attention to the TV.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Lol. That's funny. With me, my wife would interrupt me right in the middle of my talk and say something like "Do these floors look dirty to you? I think they need to be mopped again."

Now, I don't advise that. Lol. After only a few times doing that I realized she just wasn't interested in what I had to say, so I just stopped telling her anything about my interests. Ever. That was not very healthy.

Maybe tell him you appreciate his knowledge because it's interesting, but could he wait until after the movie was over because you have a hard time concentrating on the movie ecifically because of your hearing. Make sure you use words like " honey" and " sweety" in there so he knows it's not a critical comment from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Whatever you do, don't take the approach I took with my sister in law. She's exacly the same way as your husband. Finally, I told her that since I was having a hard time following her, and paid for the movie rental we were watching, did I have to pay extra for her to shut up? Not one of my better moments. But it did work.

Pick another time, one where you can talk, and tell him that you enjoy the fantasy of getting into a movie. Ask if you can find compromises. Maybe watch it a second time for his comments.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Without going into the whys, I'll offer my advice from a guys point of view. I'm also a bit hard of hearing, I use subtitles. 

When he starts to talk, pause the movie turn to him and look him straight in the eye. Be a good listener and reply to his comments. Then when he winds down, restart the movie, and snuggle up.

The theory behind this approach. To him the movie is a background for his real goal, To spend time with you. When you are wrapped up in the movie he feels distant so you reassure him that you are interested in him by paying real attention to him. 

I often advise young people not to go to movies for a date. It gives them no time to talk and get to know each other. Now that you are married, you know much about each other, so relaxing to a movie together is good, if every ones needs are being met before. 

M N


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Mr. Nail said:


> Without going into the whys, I'll offer my advice from a guys point of view. I'm also a bit hard of hearing, I use subtitles.
> 
> When he starts to talk, pause the movie turn to him and look him straight in the eye. Be a good listener and reply to his comments. Then when he winds down, restart the movie, and snuggle up.
> 
> ...



That's good advice. I am going to start pausing movies because my husband does start talking often while I'm trying to watch. I agree it is like background to him.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If it were me, I would tell him one more time. I find it hard to watch a movie with you talking. I am not doing it anymore. When he does it, leave. Go do something else.


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

I'd go with Greenpearl's advice on this one. By choosing to just accept this inconsequential flaw, you can use it as an opportunity to make your husband feel wanted and respected.

From my perspective, if someone just left as I was speaking to them like Mom6547 described, it would make me feel like a little boy being sent to time out by his mommy.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

AbsolutelyFree said:


> I'd go with Greenpearl's advice on this one. By choosing to just accept this inconsequential flaw, you can use it as an opportunity to make your husband feel wanted and respected.
> 
> From my perspective, if someone just left as I was speaking to them like Mom6547 described, it would make me feel like a little boy being sent to time out by his mommy.


If you are acting like an inconsiderate little boy, then perhaps that feeling is quite appropriate.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Men will generally rise to the level of experience you expect of them. If you want a boy treat him like one.

Why are we so interested in building walls? Marriage is about bridges.

M N


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## AbsolutelyFree (Jan 28, 2011)

As Mr. Nail said in his first post, for the husband, this is a time to feel connected with the wife and spend time with her.

I think that the first part of what Mom6547 wrote is pretty good actually. Maybe you can try merging this together with the ideas of GP and Mr Nail.

You can explain clearly and non-combatively 'When you speak during the movie, it's hard to watch and I can't enjoy it,' or something along those lines.

But then, you can ask him to tell you all about this movie and its production, directors, etc _before_ you actually begin to watch the movie. You can act interested and attentive and snuggly like the others suggested. You can even go a step further and ask him questions almost like you are an interviewer on a TV show with some movie-expert.

But then, once this is over and the movie begins, he (hopefully) recognizes that the talking part is over.

Do you think this would be a reasonable compromise?


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

That's what I've done, asked him if he'd talk to me about movie details before we watched them. When he starts talking during a movie, I pause it and look at him and give him my full attention. This hasn't altered the behavior whatsoever.


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## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

How about after the movie is over can we store discuscions until after the movie is over,

Something on the lines of honey I know you like to talk about the directors and such and such but I like to watch the movies with you, how about we watch the moive then after the movie you can tell me about all the scenes are quiz me on aspects if I caught or not.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yacking during a show is bad manners and anyone over the age of 2 knows it. Just cause he's married doesn't mean he can quit acting like a civilized human being.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Darn, he's a born lecturer. That's going to be harder to work around. I was sure I had his purpose identified. 

The Born Lecturer likes to hear himself talk. Sharing his knowledge is his affirmation of his self worth. The trick is to make him feel good about himself without the volume of lecturing. I'm afraid you are going to have to plan other things for together time. Does he do this at theaters? or just at home?

M N


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

My guess is some OTHER activity would make good together time.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Grab the remote and pause it every time he starts talking. Get up, pour yourself a coffee, get some Skittles. Then when he's done, start it up again. And pause, and start it up again. Behavioral modification.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Mom,

I agree that Capital OTHER activity makes a good togetherness activity. But there are a lot of other possibilities as well. From kite flying to walking to dining out. anything they can enjoy together without one partner monopolizing. 

Really what we have here is a behavioral problem. While it is useful to understand the cause, behavioral solutions should work. If my memory is right, positive reinforcement works better than negative. Rewards work better than punishment. The question is how to offer a carrot in this situation? 

M N


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

greenpearl said:


> It is not common for a husband and wife to have the same kind of topics they both like to talk about. That's why a husband needs his male friends, and a wife needs her female friends.
> 
> But it is important for a husband and wife to have daily conversation, then it is important for one spouse to be interested in the other one's hobby.
> 
> ...


Hi sweetie! 
I think that spouses should have enought in common, to have good conversations. We talk about the news, my best friends, books we're reading and jokes. 
My husband loves baseball and hockey. I have no interest in sports, but I would attend a game with him. Mr.G has gone to baseball games alone; it is his independent time, like I have mine.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> Mom,
> 
> I agree that Capital OTHER activity makes a good togetherness activity. But there are a lot of other possibilities as well. From kite flying to walking to dining out. anything they can enjoy together without one partner monopolizing.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I have no idea how to "offer a carrot" either. In trying to learn more about my new H we have been answering questions in a marriage book together every few days. Most recently one of the questions was "when do you have to exercise the most patience with me?" which I thought was a great way for me to bring up the television and movies thing. I made my point constructively, and reaffirmed that I would like to hear about his knowledge of films just not while we are watching it. For me he said there is never a time he has to exercise patience with me, which I found odd since his stress hits the roof in an argument almost instantaneously. It's increased my understanding of him somewhat, we are very different in some large areas of opinion and value and communication styles. 

Thanks for your good advice, Mr Nail!


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

FYI so far he's still blabby during movies and TV. Maybe we should spend our together time doing something else and I can do that while I'm alone 

And Mrs. G always good to see you on the board


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