# Would you want to know about spouse's affair?



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:

REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!



Let's say your spouse had a ONS screwup. No one saw.... No one knew ..... no evidence is left. You have a great relationship with your spouse.


Would you really want to know .... or they take it to the grave ?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I want to know


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I want to know, relationship is no longer great (in fact it is dead). I would actually argue that teh relationship was never great if the spouse cheated


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I would not want to know. He could take that to his grave.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

I would want to know. Cheating is a hard deal breaker for me. Easy for me to say bc it hasn't happened to me, but I would be looking for the exit.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I would want to know.

Honesty is a big deal for me. Lying, even by omission, is a big deal for me.

Depending on the circumstances, I might be able to forgive and move forward without a divorce. But I need the total truth to make that decision.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I would want to know. Having had that exact situation, she wanted to know.

On a side note, I do not think that is a realistic scenario. In isolation that is not likely to ever happen without collateral damage and repeat incidents.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

I would not want to know. They should take the secret to their grave. The WS should not try to mitigate their guilt at the BS expense. The WS did the crime, they are the one who should bear the burden. If they want to feel less guilty, how about some hysterical bonding sex with the BS?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Kind of a loaded a question, and as far as audiences go ... you're asking a number of people who know they were cheated on.

We can all say that honesty is always the best policy and that always giving your partner the truth is the ONLY default behavior partners should be engaging in ... 

except we all know that's not true.

Sorry guys, all this talk about 'honesty' being a big deal? I'm presuming it's only a big deal for certain big ticket items. Because odds are you've lied about something previously, and have likely been lied to, and know nothing about it.

Most of our generalizations about marital health and how one conducts oneself in a committed relationship revolves around two mentally healthy people. But there again, that is often NOT the case.

So ... if the woman you love and are committed to asks if the sex you and she share is the best you've ever had ... and the reality is, it isn't ... you really going to answer that question honestly? Cripes, I hope not.

Here is my answer to the question. Given the body of experience and knowledge I have built up over the last decade, if my wife could make such a monumental mistake, have remorse over it, double down on her commitment to me ... all the while I never suspect a thing? All the power to her. Because she knows (she does know) if I do find out, it's over.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Tasorundo said:


> I would want to know. Having had that exact situation, she wanted to know.
> 
> On a side note, I do not think that is a realistic scenario. In isolation that is not likely to ever happen without collateral damage and repeat incidents.


We have a current thread with pretty much these exact circumstances. There was another very high profile thread a few years ago with the same. Night out, it just happened out of the blue. No intention to continue. Remorse, couldn't believe it happened at all. No marital issues. Lots of triggered dudes ... lots of permabans.

It does happen. But I agree it's rare, here.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

Yes. I'd want to know. If it happened, there is something wrong with our relationship.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I have never been a BS, so no triggering or projection here.

I damn sure would want to know. If I ever found out by anyone other than my spouse, then it would most definitely be over. And anyone else who knew but failed to tell me would also be excommunicated from my life.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> *Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


*If the WS wanted to ask my forgiveness and at the same time attempt to regain whatever vestiges of the trust I had left, then I'd require the full confession!

In my minds eye, it is far better knowing about it as soon as possible from the "cheating source" rather than months or years later from some third party!*


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Nope, wouldn't want to know as long as it was a one time thing. If we have a good relationship since the affair then I wouldn't want that messed up. Besides the guilt might make them more humble and eager to please. If I knew the relationship very well might be over. 

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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I would want to know. If it can happen once, it certainly can happen again. And its not easy for cheaters to hide forever, though it could be years later and a lot more invested in the marriage when they do get caught. 

I know the idea is there is no way the BS will know, but this, 'I found out 9 years later' is complete bull****. Stole nine years of some dudes life.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Kind of a loaded a question, and as far as audiences go ... you're asking a number of people who know they were cheated on.
> 
> We can all say that honesty is always the best policy and that always giving your partner the truth is the ONLY default behavior partners should be engaging in ...
> 
> ...


I would rather know the truth. And i will tell my wife the truth, to anything that i am not legally required to keep my mouth shut about. 

I once did tell my wife that the sex we shared was pretty terrible to me, so i wanted to work on getting better at it. Yes, it hurt her at first and made her VERY insecure about herself for a while, but nowadays, we have AMAZING sex and she *knows* i am telling the truth when i tell her that i enjoy having sex with her more than anyone else i have ever had sex with. It makes her feel very sexy and happy knowing that i desire her and enjoy having sex with her so much. 

I have never been afraid of getting hurt by the truth, and i am not afraid of the truth being painful to my wife. I know i love my wife, and she knows that as well. Pain and shock go away if you let it go. In our case, honesty IS the best policy, hands down.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The story that this thread is based on is where a woman went to her home town for a school reunion and slept with an old boyfriend. Her brother seen the other man leaving her bedroom the morning after. That was her downfall. 
However a big percentage of ons occur when there is virtually no chance of anyone finding out. 
I used to travel a lot for work when I was single and my company always paid for the best hotels in whichever city I happened to be in. I had ons all over the world and while I never knowingly slept with a married woman I’m not naive enough to believe it never happened. 
You have a man or woman staying in a strange city.They know nobody in the area and a good looking stranger starts talking to them at the bar or the gym. This leads to drinks and maybe more. 
Folks let me tell you this scenario is played out every night and most of these people don’t confess to their spouse about their cheating. It wouldn’t occur to them.
There is a movie starring George Clooney called “Up in the air”. It is the most realistic movie about cheating I have ever seen and I’ve seen this storyline played out lots of times.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I have done threads and many posts about this...No I definitely wouldn’t. Same with wife. She even told me she wouldn’t want to know if it happened to me once and I told her the same. I believe it’s selfish to dump your guilt into your spouse: “here, you deal with this ****. But at least I was honest!”
Obviously many others think that the only way to reconcile is by being honest.
I think the best way is just acknowledge to yourself it was a mistake, deal with it and move on by being best husband/wife you can be.
Provided it was a one time thing. Of it keeps happening then there are obviously other issues or he/she WANTS to be caught.
Also provided wife would still want to **** me like there is no tomorrow....Though preferably not straight after... 



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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Please understand for this topic: the situation is that no one else knows or will ever know...the secret is safe....until he or she decides to spill it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It wouldn't matter, really, whether she told me or not. We've had an open, sometimes poly relationship for 19 years, so we've both have a number of other partners. This is different than an affair that breaks boundaries, of course. We've always told each other about other partners - usually beforehand, but very occasionally afterwards if it was a spontaneous thing. It would be odd if we _didn't_ tell each other about a ONS. So I'd want to know, as would she. However, if we did NOT have our existing arrangement, then I would NOT want to know about a one-time affair that isn't repeated, and this has been our shared view from the beginning.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

As I sit back and think about all the damage I have seen .....to answer my own topic: I don't want to know.
To hell with imploding my world.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would not want to know.. I wouldn't divorce over a one time deal, never again so yep just keep it to themselves.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

It’s not that I want to know, I need to know to best navigate my life with the person who is only with me. I wouldn’t want to turn eighty and some person call to say my wife cheated forty years ago. Although the affair was forty years ago or a ONS, how do I know there weren’t more?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

drifting on said:


> It’s not that I want to know, I need to know to best navigate my life with the person who is only with me. I wouldn’t want to turn eighty and some person call to say my wife cheated forty years ago. Although the affair was forty years ago or a ONS, how do I know there weren’t more?



You don’t know if there were more. Even if the spouse tells you she had an ONS.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

To the people saying that this scenario plays out every day, that is my point. It is playing out every day, because the same people keep playing it out.

If the poster from the thread doesn't confess, she will do this again, because there are huge underlying problems in her marriage and in herself. There is more going on than a drunken mistake.

There is always more going on than a drunken mistake.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

InMyPrime said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> ...


There is a story over at SI of a guy whose wife had a short fling with a contractor. He tried reconciling but after 5 years threw in the towel. How he lasted that long I have no idea...

Anyways, he ended up divorcing her because he knows he went down on her after the dude released a load of dna inside her that very same day. She never stopped him from doing it either. But she was remorseful WW and checked all the boxes. But he couldn't get over the humiliation and disgust.

Would you want to know if you were licking up leftovers?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

That would be nice if I never found out; he never did it again and so on

But men really have a lot to lose here. Women can cry rape, show up pregnant certain that he's the father along with just passing along an STD. So I would be very concerned that my husband is not worried about those possibilities.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would want to know, so I could end it. Someone who would do that to me isnt someone I want around.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Tough call. I just got confirmation of my wife's EA that happened years ago. I needed to know and I needed details because of the circumstances surrounding it, and also for my W to be able to "prove" that it didn't get physical. 

A ONS, while very different...I think, still, I'd like to know. But it certainly gives me pause. There are some things my W said to the POSOM in her EA that will haunt me forever. I could've gone without knowing these things I suppose, but I had to see the texts- I had to have clarity. With a ONS, it would be easy to think "what I don't know can't hurt me", but still...count me in the "I'd want to know" camp.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

Music_Man said:


> Tough call. I just got confirmation of my wife's EA that happened years ago. I needed to know and I needed details because of the circumstances surrounding it, and also for my W to be able to "prove" that it didn't get physical.
> 
> A ONS, while very different...I think, still, I'd like to know. But it certainly gives me pause. There are some things my W said to the POSOM in her EA that will haunt me forever. I could've gone without knowing these things I suppose, but I had to see the texts- I had to have clarity. With a ONS, it would be easy to think "what I don't know can't hurt me", but still...count me in the "I'd want to know" camp.




I may be weird, but I wouldn't want to know about an EA that never escalated.. while I would want to know about a physical affair.

I guess because I rationalize that she could bring herself under control in that situation and focus on her marriage, then I have nothing to worry about..so I wouldn't want to ruin my day..or lose my self confidence.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

When I distill my thought process down, the reality is that I am essentially getting at which situation would I divorce her for and which wouldn't. Take it to your grave equals no divorce and wanting to know equals divorce for me...I want to know so I can divorce her. 

Take it to your grave scenario (both cases the secret is completely safe):

Alcohol is involved before seeing each other and they didn't know each other before hand. So wife is drunk or inebriated maybe and some dude walks in;they don't know each other, never seen each other, he puts the moves on. Wham-bam...thank you ma'am. 

Maaaaaaaaaaaybe I can forgive that and therefore I think I might prefer that situation being taken to the grave. 

Tell me scenario:
Everything else that deviates slightly from the above scenario...and then we divorce. Because it reflects too poorly on her character if it deviates even slightly from that scenario. And yes, the first scenario also reflects very very poorly on her character.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

I always thought that if I ever found out I was cheated on, that I would tell a woman to kick rocks and not bat an eye. I had successfully ended things many times when necessary without batting an eye..

But when it actually happened with a person I thought would be there for the rest of our lives, I broke down and wanted to work things out.. I begged.. The reality set in and everything I ever thought I was went out the window.

I guess, it's easy to say how you will act, until it happens.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

@SunWhiskey:

My W's EA was getting close to getting physical. I needed to be able to see the depths of their connection, to figure out the how, the why, the when, etc. That my W finally gave him an emphatic "no!" to going physical and that she loved me and was not going to take it further is one of the things that has saved our marriage to this point.

I get what you are saying. And had this EA stopped within the first few months, what was said between them wouldn't have been enough for me to be 'overly' concerned. Again, IF it had stopped there. It was the last 3 months or so though...man...tough stuff to hear and even tougher to read. Believe me- you'd want to know if it got this serious.


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## SunWhiskey (May 21, 2019)

Music_Man said:


> @SunWhiskey:
> 
> My W's EA was getting close to getting physical. I needed to be able to see the depths of their connection, to figure out the how, the why, the when, etc. That my W finally gave him an emphatic "no!" to going physical and that she loved me and was not going to take it further is one of the things that has saved our marriage to this point.
> 
> I get what you are saying. And had this EA stopped within the first few months, what was said between them wouldn't have been enough for me to be 'overly' concerned. Again, IF it had stopped there. It was the last 3 months or so though...man...tough stuff to hear and even tougher to read. Believe me- you'd want to know if it got this serious.




Well, My wife went all the way. So I didn't get to make that choice. And then after that guy cheated on her after she left me. She went all the way again. And the second guy cheated. She's on guy number 3 and still tries to pull me in to her mess.

Amazing how someone can change.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

SunWhiskey said:


> Well, My wife went all the way. So I didn't get to make that choice. And then after that guy cheated on her after she left me. She went all the way again. And the second guy cheated. She's on guy number 3 and still tries to pull me in to her mess.
> 
> 
> 
> Amazing how someone can change.


Unreal. Sorry for what you've had to endure. Yes, unbelievable the change that takes place in people that are closest to you.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Yep, I'd want to know so I have agency in deciding my future with a cheater.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If I had been asked this question years and years ago when our relationship was great, I would have said no. 

At that time I would have believed that there were such a thing as "screwups" and would have bought that it was a one-time, random, fluke thing that only happened once and would likely never happen again. 

that is what I used to believe. 

Now that I am older and more experienced in the world and see the world what is likely more like what it really is, and now that my marriage is not as great - I would want to know so then I can make an informed decision on where things really stand and I would be able to make a decision based on reality rather than my own fantasy. 

I no longer believe ONSs are random "screw ups." I believe they are the result of a long line of conscious decisions and of creating the environment in which they occur. 

And I don't believe that the road ever stops after that first one. 

There may not be any hard plans to actively seek another,, but if it happens once and the environment and conditions are not completely changed, then it is just a matter of time before the next situation occurs. 

I would need to know about that so that I could make an informed and knowledgable decision on what I would need to do from there.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

cashcratebob said:


> When I distill my thought process down, the reality is that I am essentially getting at which situation would I divorce her for and which wouldn't. Take it to your grave equals no divorce and wanting to know equals divorce for me...I want to know so I can divorce her.
> 
> Take it to your grave scenario (both cases the secret is completely safe):
> 
> ...


I always have to shake my head whenever I see someone making drugs/alcohol a get-out-jail-free card (and then they always say it isn't an excuse) 

I have a couple issues with the alcohol excuse. 

One is that alcohol does not 'make' anyone do anything that they don't want to do. It lowers inhibitions and decreases judgement and so people don't care about future consequences so it gives them the confidence and poor judgment to do what they DO want to do. In other words, they DID want to screw that person, the alcohol just lowered their inhibitions and judgement enough to actually do it. 

And additionally, I see getting drunk around people you are attracted to of the opposite sex to the point that you are losing judgement and lowering inhibitions as a separate and additional offense. 

Meaning that not only would I be pi$$ed and angry that you screwed someone, I would be additionally pi$$ed that you got drunk in a situation that would lead to that.

It would be two separate and additional offenses. 

So I really don't get the mindset that basically says that getting drunk makes it ok and lessens the hurt and anger and betrayal of the BS.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)




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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I would want the truth. But I made the mistake of telling my wife in no uncertain terms that I would not tolerate cheating or dishonesty.

But I don't think my wife would tell me. If I found out on my own, she would answer questions about it truthfully. But she would never confess to ease her guilt.

When I caught her in an EA and accused her it was "How can you even think that?" and "You know me better than that!" "He is just a friend". 

Never a "No I did not do that", until I showed her the proof I had.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Didn't want to know then and still don't want to know now. It has been 35 years since I was told about the EA. It was on and off for about 10 years. I was a career soldier, on a Special Forces A-Team. It only occurred when I was away on deployments and only when we were stationed at my home base. Never when I was home. After I learned about the EA I never ask if there was a PA. Being who I was, combat trained and combat experienced, I would have done something that could easily have ruined my life. I would have put the man, who was supposedly a friend of mine, in a wheelchair or the ground. Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." I was wise enough not to ask. I am not the man who would just let things go when I am hurt. I knew that by her telling me about the EA that it would never happen again and it hasn't. What did it gain me? It gained me a very happy marriage with the woman I love and who loves me. Now which is better, a long and happy marriage or all those years of misery? I read where people, that find out years later, say that an affair that happened 5, 9, 10 , or 20 years ago makes everything after the affair a lie. Wrong. It makes the marriage a lie when the affair occurred but everything after is not a lie unless the affair continued. People can change. I have seen it many, many times. I'm not the same man I was 20 years ago. If you hurt me now, on purpose, I will come back at you with twice the hurt but I won't try to put you in a body bag. I also have more of a forgiving nature than I once had. Everyone makes bad choices and terrible mistakes. I sometimes wonder about some who come here with their story. I wonder what skeletons they have in their closet that they aren't putting in the story. Some just f**k up a lot worse than others. If it's something that you just have to know and is going to haunt you forever, make your life miserable and devoid of happiness, then walk away. I do wish you well.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

scaredlion said:


> Didn't want to know then and still don't want to know now. It has been 35 years since I was told about the EA. It was on and off for about 10 years. I was a career soldier, on a Special Forces A-Team. It only occurred when I was away on deployments and only when we were stationed at my home base. Never when I was home. After I learned about the EA I never ask if there was a PA. Being who I was, combat trained and combat experienced, I would have done something that could easily have ruined my life. I would have put the man, who was supposedly a friend of mine, in a wheelchair or the ground. Aristotle said, "Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom." I was wise enough not to ask. I am not the man who would just let things go when I am hurt. I knew that by her telling me about the EA that it would never happen again and it hasn't. What did it gain me? It gained me a very happy marriage with the woman I love and who loves me. Now which is better, a long and happy marriage or all those years of misery? I read where people, that find out years later, say that an affair that happened 5, 9, 10 , or 20 years ago makes everything after the affair a lie. Wrong. It makes the marriage a lie when the affair occurred but everything after is not a lie unless the affair continued. People can change. I have seen it many, many times. I'm not the same man I was 20 years ago. If you hurt me now, on purpose, I will come back at you with twice the hurt but I won't try to put you in a body bag. I also have more of a forgiving nature than I once had. Everyone makes bad choices and terrible mistakes. I sometimes wonder about some who come here with their story. I wonder what skeletons they have in their closet that they aren't putting in the story. Some just f**k up a lot worse than others. If it's something that you just have to know and is going to haunt you forever, make your life miserable and devoid of happiness, then walk away. I do wish you well.


I would not be able to sleep at night not knowing if it was ever a PA. I also don't understand why anyone wants to hurt, maim, kill the AP, the person who put the knife in my back will reap all my anger. If it was a friend well thats another knife in the back deserving some retribution. Both would be on my **** list for life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yes, I’d want to know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> *I would not be able to sleep at night not knowing if it was ever a PA.* I also don't understand why anyone wants to hurt, maim, kill the AP, the person who put the knife in my back will reap all my anger. If it was a friend well thats another knife in the back deserving some retribution. Both would be on my **** list for life.


It was.


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

One thing that hasn't been mentioned is the possibility of an STD. So yes, I would want to know. One night stand or night, you tell your spouse so that they can make an informed decision about their health.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I would want to know so that I could set about deciding whether I want to divorce or not. I think I would divorce, although you never know what you would do until it actually happens. In any case, I would not want to be in the dark about it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> The story that this thread is based on is where a woman went to her home town for a school reunion and slept with an old boyfriend. Her brother seen the other man leaving her bedroom the morning after. That was her downfall.
> However a big percentage of ons occur when there is virtually no chance of anyone finding out.
> I used to travel a lot for work when I was single and my company always paid for the best hotels in whichever city I happened to be in. I had ons all over the world and while I never knowingly slept with a married woman I’m not naive enough to believe it never happened.
> You have a man or woman staying in a strange city.They know nobody in the area and a good looking stranger starts talking to them at the bar or the gym. This leads to drinks and maybe more.
> ...


Please answer the question...

Would you want to know if 'your' wife had a random 'ONS'.

Knowing that others, male and female have done these 'acts' may make it easy for you to forgive.
Is that the case with 'you'?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

A person whose spouse says that they would not want to know about their partners ONS, would worry me.

It would show me that they either value their spouse to no end or that they value them 'not' enough. The love for their cheater spouse is superficial.

It would take a cool spouse, a cold potato to not care enough to know some hurtful truth.

It would show me that the person who wants to be kept in the dark wants the same treatment, maybe because they 'too' have cheated.

A Saint would not want to know...
How few of these there are, how few marry cheaters.

A Saint has one foot in Heaven and not one foot in Reality nor one inch in serious Love.





[THM]- King Brian


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


How great is your relationship if your spouse is having a ONS or an affair?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Please answer the question...
> 
> Would you want to know if 'your' wife had a random 'ONS'.
> 
> ...


I wouldn’t want to know. 
I don’t think I would forgive but I know that’s easy to say from a distance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> *I wouldn’t want to know. *
> I don’t think I would forgive but I know that’s easy to say from a distance.


Ah, #meetoo.

When young, my pride was excessively large, my reserve energy bottomless, my self-restraint edgy, pitiful and weak.

Still.... 

Age has cut these 'way' down, almost, close to manageable levels.
All is now good.

Not knowing is not reacting.....painfully, badly. 

That said, very little gets past me. I would soon know.

.......................................................................................................

This, of course depends on how much you care about your SO. 
If you care little, then near indifference and washed-hand contempt would likely take center stage.

For me, it would be a mental battle between The Martian and the sage, SunCMars.

A battle with revenge on one side, and forgiveness and total cool headed understanding on the other side.

An internal struggle between pumping hot blood and cooler thoughtful veins.




[THM]- THRD


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## Tiggy! (Sep 9, 2016)

I personally would want to know.


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I would want to know. If they can get away with it once, they'll eventually do it again. That ONS would be the beginning of many ONSes.


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## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

I would want to know. He considers his integrity to be extremely important. Lying about a ONS for years, would also mean that he has no integrity. He knows EXACTLY how I feel about cheating, and lying. It is a deal breaker, no exceptions. He knows why.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Isn’t it a bit like being an atheist? There is no indication that God exists so one should live their life as if He/She/Zer doesn’t exist. Which doesn’t mean that they definitely don’t exist...

So if there is no indication that your wife had a kinky ONS once, it’s the same. As long as you don’t know, it might as well not have happened as far as you are concerned.

I’m not sure if I would leave or stay if I found out...Though I would probably make her do it again but this time watch her very carefully, to make sure that she doesn’t ‘slip up’! 
Go away hotwife thoughts!!!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> A person whose spouse says that they would not want to know about their partners ONS, would worry me.
> 
> It would show me that they either value their spouse to no end or that they value them 'not' enough. The love for their cheater spouse is superficial.
> 
> ...


It could also be fear.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> It could also be fear.


When reading on this forum about people finding out inadvertently about their spouse having a ons or maybe a short lived affair many years previously I always wonder if they regretted finding out. Do they ever think a few years on with a divorce and child custody arrangements in place,maybe a smaller house and certainly less money to spend that they would prefer never to have known. 
As you say fear play a large role in this.
But so does ego.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I don't want to know. Not about a historical affair. 

I was thinking about this, and it seemed to me like the question should be "DO you want to know" not "WOULD you". For people who say "yes I would want to know", I am wondering, if a guy contacted you and said "I am a private investigator and I am doing a special offer, I can run surveillance on your partner for free this week", would you accept the free offer?

Another way I looked at it is, if it turned out that my partner had had a ONS, would that completely change who I think they are? For me, it wouldn't. I guess I view people as fallible. I'm single at the moment, but been married twice, and if I learned now that either of my wives had had a ONS with someone else at the time, that would be a surprise but not a _complete change of my view of them as people_. I guess if you think it would completely change your concept of your partner, then you might want to know. 

I guess I might want to know if there was an ongoing affair in progress. 

(Note: I am not a cheater, nor have I been cheated on as far as I know. Neither marriage ended because of infidelity).


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I never had the choice, I was told.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I never had the choice, I was told.


And when you were told, your fear kicked in and your ego demanded attention.
And anger often rides in on the tail of fear.

Yes, this wraps up the bulk of the 'no' answerers into a shaky bundle.
Those that cared prior to the learning.

Those that could care 'not a hoot', may have felt no fear, but likely did feel their ego stir.
Stir and twist them into angry and righteous rag dolls. :|

Some tiny few may feel relief, knowing that their fears were found true, their future, now a straight line away from their present lot in life's decadent suburb.

Then again, one could not care and still fear what the future brings.
A future fifty percent smaller and lighter.

A future, not lit up bright, but darkened by a cruel fate. :frown2:





[THM]- The Typist I


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Learning this, then divorcing.

Ah, think snakes...

Think, a skin that no longer fits a growing mindset, an uncomfortable skin that needs to be shed.

Shed and left laying along some past, some path in life.





[THM]- SunCMars


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I never had the choice, I was told.


Matt do you mind telling us what age you were when your wife told you that she was going to have an affair. And do you have any children together. 
Above any story on tam I find your one the most poignant. Not only did she tell you she was going to cheat she couldn’t understand you getting upset because she told you she was going to do it.
And then you had a revenge affair which ironically made you feel worse than when your wife cheated. 
Who was the guy that your wife selected and did you know him beforehand. 

This really puzzles me but not quite as much as when you said that you found Janet Street Porter attractive lol.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I just googled Janet Street Porter.

Matt Matt your worse off than I thought.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I often think about these things, these affairs.
Well, mostly when I read TAM.

.................................................................

Being an engineer 'type', I first think what damage has been done.
Physical damage.

If you stood your cheating spouse before you and whipped their pants or their dress down and inspected them...

What damage would you see?

Did your spouse's affair partner damage something? 

On close inspection you would see no difference. Everything is in proper order.
The AP did not wear your spouse out.
They did not void the manufactures warranty.

I suppose if the cheating was very, very recent you could bend over and give them a sniff? :|
Oh my, this is always a give away.
...................................................................................

When it comes to your spouse's mind, how to you inspect that?

Do you look in their ears, in their eyes, or in their mouth?

You will see nothing.

So, how do you know if something inside the head has not been damaged?

Do you wait and watch them, their actions, or listen to their words?

Yes, that is all you can do, if they, or others have told you that your spouse has been cheating.

Now that you have been told, the die has been set, action, some action needs execution.





[THM]- Nemesis


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Its definitely not a one size fits all situation. We all know our spouses better than a bunch of folks on the internet. I was a serial cheater when married. I get it, most people would be disgusted by being married to a man like me. But...my wife wasn't. Trying to explain that dynamic here was impossible so I never really bothered trying. People always assumed she stayed because she didn't know everything....well....she didn't know everything because she didn't want to know, not because I didn't tell her. To this day she is more upset that I told what I did than what I actually did itself. She honestly would have preferred I took it to my grave and we stayed married. Ultimately it was me that decided to end it. I didn't want to live a double life anymore, and I knew I would never be able to be faithful to her for the rest of my life because there were certain emotional and physical needs she could never provide. She was also aware of those things, I think she was fine with me getting them elsewhere in retrospect.

Over the years people say that I gave her a gift by being transparent, they say now she can find someone that truly appreciates her. Well....its been years....and she still has zero interest in anyone else. Although she wants for nothing, she is not as happy now as when we were married. I regret being honest about it. I should have gone with my gut. This is going to get rocks thrown at me, but I think some folks that scream dump the chump to friends and family, tell their spouses. I don't want to know!!! I truly believe this, because I've seen it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It would be interesting to know how many people who are adamant they do not want to know have cheated themselves. That is NOT meant to be an accusation. But I was just wondering.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SunWhiskey said:


> I always thought that if I ever found out I was cheated on, that I would tell a woman to kick rocks and not bat an eye. I had successfully ended things many times when necessary without batting an eye..
> 
> But when it actually happened with a person I thought would be there for the rest of our lives, I broke down and wanted to work things out.. I begged.. The reality set in and everything I ever thought I was went out the window.
> 
> I guess, it's easy to say how you will act, until it happens.



Before it happened to me with my ex-wife, I had played out how I would react in different scenarios, and it always came down to the fact that I would not want to deal with what it would take to reconcile, and divorce would be the only outcome. For me, a cheating spouse would not be worth the effort. When it actually happened, it played out exactly as I had figured it would. Yes, it was emotionally difficult, but after 17 years of marriage, I divorced her without a second thought, without second guessing myself.

That said, and while there is no scenario in which I would reconcile, I think one of the easiest ones for me to divorce over would actually be the drunken stranger ONS. Not only would it have been cheating, the fact that so many terrible decisions could happen in such a short period of time with little to no lead up, grooming, foundation laying...if someone proved themselves capable of that, there is no way I could possibly trust their judgement, decision making ability, or self control.


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## cashcratebob (Jan 10, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> I always have to shake my head whenever I see someone making drugs/alcohol a get-out-jail-free card (and then they always say it isn't an excuse)
> 
> I have a couple issues with the alcohol excuse.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree. I am in the tell me camp. Plus the bolded part wasn't apart of my scenario one. She would have had to been inhibited already and then the guy shows up. So it is a very awkward and unlikely scenario already.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> It would be interesting to know how many people who are adamant they do not want to know have cheated themselves. That is NOT meant to be an accusation. But I was just wondering.



What would be the connection in your mind? Just curious. It’s not very hard for me to imagine what my life would be like if my wife told me she had an ONS versus not knowing, ever.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Under those circumstances- nope.


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## SecondWind (May 10, 2019)

If it was a one time screw up and he loved, respected, desired and treated me well all the time except during hours of the screw up, I would not want to know. Ignorance is bliss.


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## outofsorts (Feb 27, 2019)

If you had asked me this five months ago I would not have wanted to know. If you asked me this a month after I found out my husband cheated on me I also would not have wanted to know. But now yes I would want to know. 

Things like that rot a marriage from the inside. Keeping that a secret from your spouse is a terrible thing to do. If you don't want to hurt them you don't cheat. Period.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I don’t want to know.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

InMyPrime said:


> What would be the connection in your mind? Just curious. It’s not very hard for me to imagine what my life would be like if my wife told me she had an ONS versus not knowing, ever.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I don't know, maybe none. But part of me could see someone who has cheated being A)more in favor of keeping the secret and B)more okay with not knowing, considering their own actions


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

SecondWind said:


> If it was a one time screw up and he *loved, respected, desired and treated me well* all the time except during hours of the screw up, I would not want to know. Ignorance is bliss.


One could argue that these couldn't be true if he chose to cheat.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

For me, a one time ONS is not something I need to know, but its also something I would easily forgive. I am aware that people are far from perfect, and while I wish they didn't make mistakes, I know that they do. 

I've done some really dumb things in my life - so I'm very forgiving of other people doing the same.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

If he was cocky before cheating, and then after cheating he became humble and more attentive, no I wouldn't want to know.

If he became a jerk after cheating, yes I'd want to know so I knew why I needed to divorce him.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ladies, please. Save your claws for the BDSM sessions later on...

I think in our case, not telling would be done out of compassion and to try to avoid being selfish rather than trying to be sneaky.
I’m not condoning or excusing cheating but people make mistakes.
Unfortunately once trust is destroyed it is not always possible to rebuild it. In fact chances are not that great that it can be rebuilt.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Music Lover (Feb 9, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> Would you really want to know .... or they take it to the grave ?


You need to know. It can come back to haunt you even from beyond the grave.

Years after my first partner died, I found out she'd had a couple of one night stands. My second partner told me about them as way of hurting me during our breakup. It was a despicable thing to do to the memory of someone who was no longer able to defend herself. It might have affected how I felt about my child from the first relationship. I guess there's no limit to what some people are capable of in such situations. The moral of the story is that even after death, it is possible to reap what you sow.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

InMyPrime said:


> Ladies, please. Save your claws for the BDSM sessions later on...
> 
> I think in our case, not telling would be done out of compassion and to try to avoid being selfish rather than trying to be sneaky.
> I’m not condoning or excusing cheating but people make mistakes.
> ...


All this idea that not telling is a thing of compassion is the rationalization hamster spinning overtime to justify the unjustifiable. 

Picking up Pepsi when you really wanted Diet Pepsi is a mistake. Forgetting to carry the one on your 1040 is a mistake. Adultery is a deliberate act. 

Rebuilding trust is far more honest than continuing to perpetuate a lie day after day, year after year. A marriage with damaged trust is more real than a marriage on a false foundation.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Definitely need to know.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I go back and forth on this question. At some point, I also think it's more about easing your own guilt than doing what is best for your spouse. So it sort of comes back to a selfish act by the WS once again doesn't it? Dealing with and living with the guilt for the rest of your life vs unloading it on to your spouse to ease your own suffering by transfering it onto them. 

The other side is, I want to know because I dont want to live a lie and be in a sham of a marriage without my knowledge. My marriage means everything to me. The idea that I will leave this world looking back at the woman who chose me for a life partner, who was with me through everything. Its the most important thing in my life. The thought that I would be looking back at someone who stepped out without my knowledge makes the entire thing meaningless. So I would want to know. But I mean, if I didn't know, I get all the feelings I want to be able to feel at the end of my days. 

This is a question I don't really want to ever have an answer to in the affirmative.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I go back and forth on this question. At some point, I also think it's more about easing your own guilt than doing what is best for your spouse. So it sort of comes back to a selfish act by the WS once again doesn't it? Dealing with and living with the guilt for the rest of your life vs unloading it on to your spouse to ease your own suffering by transfering it onto them.
> 
> The other side is, I want to know because I dont want to live a lie and be in a sham of a marriage without my knowledge. My marriage means everything to me. The idea that I will leave this world looking back at the woman who chose me for a life partner, who was with me through everything. Its the most important thing in my life. The thought that I would be looking back at someone who stepped out without my knowledge makes the entire thing meaningless. So I would want to know. But I mean, if I didn't know, I get all the feelings I want to be able to feel at the end of my days.
> 
> This is a question I don't really want to ever have an answer to in the affirmative.


Even if the wayward is doing it purely out of selfishness to unburden their guilt, that changes nothing with regard for the betrayed's right to know and understand the true nature of the relationship.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Even if the wayward is doing it purely out of selfishness to unburden their guilt, that changes nothing with regard for the betrayed's right to know and understand the true nature of the relationship.


I agree they have the right to know. However to quote William Munny "deserve's got nothin' to do with it" in regards to the question at hand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This thread is right up my ally.....
The answer to the question at hand is …..Yes!

Spent a good part of 7 yrs in denial.....talk about the abuse, the neglect, the resentment, and just a whole punch of dysfunction from me and from the old lady.... with regards to the elephant in the room!

You want to face this infidelity crap head on.... and from the start! So please snoop and have an effective confrontation.

It gets bad and then it moves to worse if you hide.....especially if you all keep phucking and carry on even when you both know there is this big elephant in the room.

When the both of you know whats what....the poison just grows...you can't hide from it...you sooner or later have to face it! at the end of the day it is really emotionally unhealthy for both the BS &ws.

Some folks get a bastard, some folks get sick (STD), some folks self distruct (my old lady), but one way or another the betrayal comes out and all hell breaks loose! catch it early!

The sooner you confront the cheating the better...IMHO! Find the courage.

So folks you can deal with this infidelity now or deal with it later, but you will deal with it! I don't care who you are, BS or WS, the both of you will phuck up and it will come out....until then as a BS......it will bring out the worst in you no matter how much you deny it!

Trust me...there is no reason for two good people to live like shyt just b/c they can't face the music.

Two things are going to happen....you all are set free or you all get a bond.....there is no middle ground....that's my opinion...phuck the middle ground...all or nothing!!!
Until then it's all about resentment.

TRUST ME....FACE THE MUSIC NOW
THE GUY WITH THE CHEATING WIFE!!!!!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I agree they have the right to know. However to quote William Munny "deserve's got nothin' to do with it" in regards to the question at hand.


In my mind it's got everything to do with it. It's the only criterion that matters.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I’d want to know so I could forgive her. 




Mr.Married said:


> Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:

If you can't post in a thread without snark, please refrain from posting.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Would you want to know about spouse's affair?

Where the nearest divorce lawyer is located.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> In my mind it's got everything to do with it. It's the only criterion that matters.


While it has everything to do with it, there IS one criterion that trumps it: when the spouse does NOT want to know, and you know that's their preference.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> While it has everything to do with it, there IS one criterion that trumps it: when the spouse does NOT want to know, and you know that's their preference.


I respect the person's right to choose that path even if I don't respect the choice or the person.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Married but Happy said:


> While it has everything to do with it, there IS one criterion that trumps it: when the spouse does NOT want to know, and you know that's their preference.


How many people have that discussion ahead of the cheating?

_"Honey, I know you might cheat someday. Just so you know that when you do, I really dont want to know. You just do your thing and let me carry on in ignorant bliss."_


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> While it has everything to do with it, there IS one criterion that trumps it: when the spouse does NOT want to know, and you know that's their preference.


True. If my spouse actually said to me "If you ever cheat I do not want to know. Do not tell me." I would respect that I suppose. However, I would lose a bit of respect for them because:

A. I would wonder if I didn't mean that much to them if they didn't care about fidelity
*
B. I would wonder what THEY had been up to and if it was just some kind of way to make themselves feel better about not telling ME*

The above bolded is where my curiosity about correlation comes from. People who defend the right to hide something may defend it because they have something to hide.

Note that I say_* MAY*_


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

Would I want to know if my spouse had a ONS?

Absolutely.

Would our marriage survive? Maybe. Maybe not. But that's not the point.

The three pillars of a marriage are love, trust and faith (we could add in respect). A betrayer has lost all 3, and clearly if they do not confess, have zero respect for their spouse and their marriage. In addition, if they can get away with their first betrayal, the second will be far easier... 

As the betrayed, I am entitled to know the truth- at the very least. I have read on other message boards about a spouse dies and then the surviving one found out about a ONS betrayal- and it killed them. They realized their entire marriage was just a lie and their spouse was devoid of honesty, integrity, faithfulness, trust.... The deception haunted them beyond measure because they will never have closure. 

To me, the second worst thing a spouse can do is betray. The worst is to keep it a secret from their faithful spouse.

Anywho, my $0.02.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> True. If my spouse actually said to me "If you ever cheat I do not want to know. Do not tell me." I would respect that I suppose. However, I would lose a bit of respect for them because:
> 
> A. I would wonder if I didn't mean that much to them if they didn't care about fidelity
> *
> ...


I understand why you might think that, but I believe it is paranoid thinking. I would not want to know about a *one*-time incident of cheating, and I have never cheated. We established this mutual choice at the beginning of our relationship.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Married but Happy said:


> personofinterest said:
> 
> 
> > True. If my spouse actually said to me "If you ever cheat I do not want to know. Do not tell me." I would respect that I suppose. However, I would lose a bit of respect for them because:
> ...


It may be that I need to clarify the meanings of "curious" and "may". I do not now nor have I ever believed that all people who don't want to know are cheaters.

One musing typed out in a train of thought should not become this complex.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> How many people have that discussion ahead of the cheating?
> 
> _"Honey, I know you might cheat someday. Just so you know that when you do, I really dont want to know. You just do your thing and let me carry on in ignorant bliss."_


I doubt many people do discuss such things. Perhaps they should. We did, along with many other things behavioral, financial, medical, and legal. Before we moved in together, and again before we married. Doing so has saved us a tremendous amount of time, money, and worry over the years. We also revisit and revise these things when something changes that may alter our decisions. We're going to have to do so again in a few months after I retire and we move to another state.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I wonder if people's view on or participation in nonmonagamy might affect one's view as well. If a couple is comfortable sharing each other with various partners, they might not consider a one-off to be a big deal.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> True. If my spouse actually said to me "If you ever cheat I do not want to know. Do not tell me." I would respect that I suppose. However, I would lose a bit of respect for them because:
> 
> A. I would wonder if I didn't mean that much to them if they didn't care about fidelity
> *
> ...



I'm with you on this one as well and your logic is sound. The thing is, I dont think these discussions take place. 

When my son and daughters (we're having a girl btw, I think it was you who wished that on me  ) are in their late teens early 20s they will do so stuff that I just don't want to know about. I think most parents understand and feel the same way. Different with a child and a spouse obviously. Just saying, there's times in everyone's life where they just don't want to know something. 

If we laid out different scenarios, I'm sure most of the time I would want to know. However, I can think of a few scenarios where I wouldn't want to know. Laying on my death bed at 80 none the wiser, I don't want my wife to tell me in this moment that when we were 25 she had a ONS and she couldn't let me go without telling me the truth. At that point, I would just rather not know. As of now, I would want to know. But say 20 years from now at 55 and everything is so good in our marriage, a one night when we were 21 she got hammered and something happened ... I'm not sure. I don't know if I have the strength to have my biggest life's dream crushed like that in that stage of life. Empty nesting. Travelling and having fun together. I don't know. I just don't know.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder if people's view on or participation in nonmonagamy might affect one's view as well. If a couple is comfortable sharing each other with various partners, they might not consider a one-off to be a big deal.


That may influence my views. However, even if I were monogamous, I personally don't think I'd want to be told about a one-time affair, not repeated. Ongoing, most definitely I'd want to know. I think the downsides of dealing with this particular scenario greatly outweigh carrying on as if nothing happened - ignorance would suit me just fine in this particular scenario.

Since we're not monogamous, a one-off isn't a big deal, as long as we inform each other beforehand or very soon afterwards. Since there is no downside in that case, why not tell? Not telling in our case would become a reason for concern.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Yes because I don't tolerate that ****.


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## blazer prophet (Jun 1, 2019)

personofinterest said:


> I wonder if people's view on or participation in nonmonagamy might affect one's view as well. If a couple is comfortable sharing each other with various partners, they might not consider a one-off to be a big deal.


On a different board this scenario came up. The couple were "swingers". But as that can be very destructive to a marriage, they have very specific rules about their "open" marriage. For example, if one of them wanted to have sex with someone else, it needed to be approved by the other spouse, rules about safe sex... But it was a totally open marriage. Well, turns out the wife had sex and failed to follow the rules. To the guy, it was blatant infidelity. It created havoc in their marriage. I don't recall how it all turned out, but it looked doubtful they were going to make it.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> True. If my spouse actually said to me "If you ever cheat I do not want to know. Do not tell me." I would respect that I suppose. However, I would lose a bit of respect for them because:
> 
> A. I would wonder if I didn't mean that much to them if they didn't care about fidelity
> *
> ...


I would add C. How much respect can you have for a man who would rather hide from the truth than face it head on?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

A resounding hell yes, I would want to know.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Good people can be tempted into inappropriate behavior that's why we all need boundaries discussed in Not Just Friends. 

Lot's of jobs require travel (especially for training and often to glamor places like Vegas or other destination cities) and a spouses' boundaries overwhelmed. Generally I believe in honesty but IMO there're times when honesty can do more harm than good. If she can fix herself without the drama of destroying my life, I'd prefer not to know.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Robert22205 said:


> Good people can be tempted into inappropriate behavior that's why we all need boundaries discussed in Not Just Friends.
> 
> Lot's of jobs require travel (especially for training and often to glamor places like Vegas or other destination cities) and a spouses' boundaries overwhelmed. Generally I believe in honesty but IMO there're times when honesty can do more harm than good. If she can fix herself without the drama of destroying my life, I'd prefer not to know.


My careers have required lots of travel. I have traveled with smart, attractive.... and willing women. 

I have been come on to by colleagues who reside at my destination, as well as new acquaintances and even strangers. 

I have never been tempted, even with zero concern about getting caught and even when sex at home was nonexistent. 

There is zero excuse for such cheating, it is a breach of the most sacred trust in marriage regardless of circumstances, and not acknowledging that is IMO setting the bar way too low.

"Good people" behave in good ways, even when it's easy not to. That's what makes them good people.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> Taking in some info from other threads I thought a question might be:
> 
> REMEMBER: THIS THREAD IS ONLY ABOUT THE FOLLOWING SITUATION, NOT A LONG ONGOING AFFAIR !!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


ONS is *NEVER *a one time screw up. I don't care how you attempt to add rainbows and unicorns to it


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

I would want to know.

That said if I never knew about it and didn't get an STI/STD from my partner, there would be no harm.

As to real life experience, my ex-wife had a one time event at a party while I was away. When I returned, she confessed with great contrition (I wouldn't have known otherwise). Which saw me walk out on her a day or two later. This was then followed by a weeks worth of attempted reconciliation, following her begging for it a few weeks later. Before I decided I was permanently done with her, after hate ****ing her. Which made me realise that I loathed her for what she had done, and couldn't stay with her because of it.


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