# So I have decided to leave. How do I go about it?



## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

I have been thinking about leaving for years. Its just been really hard. I don't want to leave my kid and I can't really afford it. I can only just about cover the bills let alone pay for two houses. My wife couldn't pay for the house by herself.. We just can't afford to live separately. 

So the wife convinced me I need to remortgage the house and get some extra to pay for an extension to the house. It has occurred to me that with that extra money I have enough to pay for myself for two years. That is plenty of time for us to separate our affairs and hopefully I could get another job to help pay down a lot of my debt. Just not having my wife pressure me to get into an ever increasing spiral of debt will help. 

What I am not clear about us the best way to do this. Do I just wait for the money to come through, rent a room somewhere and then announce I am leaving? I'm not sure the environment would be particularly pleasant if I said I was leaving but then had to continue living here whilst I arrange somewhere else. But then if I just leave it will be a huge shock.. How do these things normally work? What is the easiest way for everyone involved.. My daughter included?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

It really just depends on your situation, and the state of your relationship. I know some people need to make their plans in secret and just leave...other people can have an actual discussion with the soon to be ex, and live in the same house while they work out their arrangements. 

Either way you need to start making a plan. Open your own separate bank account, get copies of all important papers/documents. If you will be moving out, start looking for a place you can afford. Consult and retain an attorney. In your case you might want to wait until the money you need is in place before you let her know you will be filing, just to be sure.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You say that you are thinking of taking money from a refinance to help finance a divorce and you moving out.

Is her name on the mortgage? Where will the money go when you get it? To an account in your name only? I'm just wondering how you will be able to grab the money for your own use.

If you refinance the house and then you use the money for yourself, your wife will still be responsible to pay back the mortgage, as will you. Is it fair to get her to have to pay back money that you use for yourself (just thinking out loud here).

If you were to sell your home now, how much equity would you get?


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

The house mortgage car and all the other loans are all in my name. All the money will go into my account.

I will continue to pay the mortgage. The mortgage is fixed for two years. So this is the amount of time we will have to sort out our affairs. Hopefully then we can sell the house and split any proceeds. There is unlikely to be much left over as I am in so much debt.. I guess I will continue with the debt repayments. My consolation is that by leaving her at least I won't be taking on any more debt and I can start paying what I have back. 


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

I couldn't sell the house now. I think it would be too much for my daughter to lose her daddy and her home at the same time.. 

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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

On reflection she would obviously not be losing me as such.. I will always be there for her as much as I can. But having us separate is going to be unsettling for her. She will be losing a lot of the security she has had from having us both around.... Despite all the arguments she hears. 

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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

Why are they advertising match.com in a 'thinking about divorce' forum? 

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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

There not. Advertising on this site like many others looks at your recent history. It then matches adds with things you have looked up. 

Why are you wanting to leave your wife ?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShavinDave said:


> The house mortgage car and all the other loans are all in my name. All the money will go into my account.


Is her name on the deed for the house?

In most states, even if her name is not on the mortgage and other debt, she is 50% responsible for them. And if anything ever happened and you could not pay them, she is 100% responsible.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ShavinDave said:


> I couldn't sell the house now. I think it would be too much for my daughter to *lose her daddy *and her home at the same time..


You need to change this way of thinking.

Do you plan to just walk out of your daughter's life and never see her again? I doubt it.

So your daughter is not losing her daddy. You can file for 50/50 custody. That way you have your daughter as much as her mother does.


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Is her name on the deed for the house?
> 
> In most states, even if her name is not on the mortgage and other debt, she is 50% responsible for them. And if anything ever happened and you could not pay them, she is 100% responsible.


No it isn't. Presumably though if I stopped paying for the mortgage the house would eventually be repossessed and she would lose her home. So in that regard she is responsible.

I have life insurance which would cover the mortgage should I get sick or die.

I live in the UK.


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> You need to change this way of thinking.
> 
> Do you plan to just walk out of your daughter's life and never see her again? I doubt it.
> 
> So your daughter is not losing her daddy. You can file for 50/50 custody. That way you have your daughter as much as her mother does.


No, of course she wouldn't lose me completely. It's just that it is always me who wakes her up in the morning, it is always me who puts her to bed at night. It is always me who she goes to if she wakes up in the night. Even with 50/50 custody she would be losing that for 50% of the time.


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

Clay2013 said:


> Why are you wanting to leave your wife ?


So I'll start by pointing out that I have aspergers, so my needs and capabilities are generally not the same as normal people.

Essentially I want to leave because I am tired of being treated like a butler. I just spend my life running around after my wife doing whatever she tells me to do. I know I should "grow a pair" and stand up for what I want. I have done a lot of work in this area. I have read and worked through "No More Mr Nice Guy" and other works. I am a lot better than how I used to be. But I am just so tired of constantly having to fight for what I want out of life.

Financially we are not stable at all. We live paycheck to paycheck. We have no savings at all, instead we have a mountain of debt. Nothing I do to convince the wife that I want us to clear this debt and start building up some savings will do. She is just always onto the next project to spend our money on. Obviously when she initially suggested that we should increase our mortgage in order to pay for an extension to the house I refused. But she just went on and on about it until I relented and agreed.

And that is the thing really. When she wants something she will go on and on about it until I give up resisting and she gets her way. When our dog died, I did not want another dog. She did. She kept on pestering me to get a new one. And now we have one. It is a seriously annoying dog that chews everything, refuses to be toilet trained.. yaps constantly. And who ends up getting up early to take it for a walk.. me.

On top of that she is incredibly unhealthy. She has gained a huge amount of weight since we got together. It has got to the stage where her family have had private words with me because they are seriously concerned about her health. I am quite a fanatic about health. There are a small handful of simple things that she could do that would make a huge difference to her. But she refuses to do them. She just says I am obsessed and have mental issues. She gets ill all the time, she struggles to sleep at night because her back pain is so bad. She drinks far too much and eats a terrible diet.

Whats worse is she also puts her diet onto our daughter. Despite everything I have said, she still buys high sugar breakfast cereals. She puts chocolate biscuits on the breakfast table! I do what I can to feed my daughter with nutritious foods, but it is a constant struggle. When given a choice between toast with chocolate spread or eggs.. it is obvious what she is going to choose.

Our sex life has never been great. I accept this has been my fault. I have never been a manly, confident type. I was that safe guy that she chose to settle down with after a life of being with bad guys. So she was more than happy to spurn my feeble advances. Now I have built up my confidence and I am much more capable at the arts of seduction. But I really struggle with the desire. I find her so unattractive. In addition due to her weight certain positions are really difficult and uncomfortable. Sorry if that is tmi.. She also smells. I am not sure why. I don't think it is poor hygene. I can't talk to her about it, it starts a huge argument.

She suffers with depression. She is on medication. I think this could explain some of her weight gain. She refuses to do anything about it though. When things get worse she just increases her medication. It sums up her attitude to life. She thinks that everything should come to her without trying. Happiness is just a tablet away. Happiness is just around the corner in the next shop. Happiness is in a bottle of wine, or a dog or a new bathroom.. as long as you don't put any effort into it. It's just a continuous chase for the next thing.. And it is really wearing me out.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

ShavinDave said:


> So I'll start by pointing out that I have aspergers, so my needs and capabilities are generally not the same as normal people.


Well, I disagree with that - somewhat. I won't claim I understand Aspergers at all, but what you just described is not only NORMAL but very very common here at TAM.

You are running away from YOU. Your situation will not change, either in this marriage or your next relationship until YOU change. YOU ALLOW all this to happen.

There are many people seeking same advice right now with the same problem. Most have the inability to say NO and are dominated by their spouse. If you do not want to refinance the mortgage and expand the house, tell her NO, and tell her she can continually whine all she wants and it is not going to happen.

I understand the weight gain issued. Been there, done that. So I can control only me and I eat health and exercise and only buy healthy food. If you leave now, your daughter will just get fat. When you make breakfast for your daughter, you make her EGGS and fruit. Tell her no sugary breakfast and if she does not eat the eggs she does not eat. And if her mom then gets her sugary cereal, you take the food away and dump it in the trash. You must do this otherwise she will grow up with a lifetime of eating issues and will be fat. 

I understand the dog. Been there, done that. Wife wanted a dog. Guess you does all the walking and feeding. Me. Guess who the dog loves. Me. Guess who loves the dog. Me. Taking the dog for walk is relaxing. And a great way to meet people to talk.

You have no confidence in yourself. Your have low self esteem and a poor self image. Do not blame that on Aspergers. Half the people here on TAM are same way. That is not to mean you are a bad person or a broken person. I am older than you and still am working on my self image . Do you know what has helped? Joining this site not just as a poster asking for help but also providing help and advice to others. 

It is hard to tell your wife NO, right? I get it. We get it. And many seeking advice here also feel the same way. But guess what? Do you know what is also HARD? Living with the consequences of saying YES. Telling your wife NO will give short term pain to you and her. Telling her yes relieves that pain BUT now causes LONG TERM pain for YOU. 

You cannot run away from yourself.


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## ShavinDave (Jul 11, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Well, I disagree with that - somewhat. I won't claim I understand Aspergers at all, but what you just described is not only NORMAL but very very common here at TAM.


Sorry, yes I started with that, but then didn't expound at all on how my aspergers affects things.

My wife is very sociable. She needs constant human contact. I can only cope with very limited social contact. I just don't have the capacity to provide her with the level of social intimacy that she needs from a man. Because of this I am really failing to meet her needs. There isn't really much I can do about this. I have tried, believe me, and it has made me miserable.

So I think really, us separating will be better for both of us. I think it will make her stronger in herself not having me as a crutch to blame all her problems on.

I crave solitude. I really want more time to myself to engage in whatever special interest I have at the time. I can't get this when married. Life is too unpredictable and stressful for me to comfortably express myself.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

,


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Dave, you need some good counsel on getting a divorce. We can provide some advice and personal experience, but you also need qualified legal advice. Here in the states you can get a free consult with an attorney. Mine gave me 30 minutes in his office plus about that on the phone, too, all for free. It is how they market themselves. They hope you'll then hire them. During this consult you can get your questions answered about how things generally work where you live, and what the laws say. Of course they can't promise exactly how your divorce would go, but they can give you an idea of the likely range of outcomes for you.

First, don't just leave the house. Here in the states it is seen as abandonment, which means you lose custody of the child. Don't move out until you've consulted with an attorney.

Second, when you're broke is the perfect time to get divorced. You've got nothing to lose. My divorce is going to cost me more than I could ever imagine, setting me back terribly. Retirement is looking impossible. So actually you are in the right place financially for a divorce!

Third, don't refinance the house right now. There are costs involved even if the fees are hidden or rolled into the loan somehow. You have to start paying interest on the loan, too. I would just tell your wife that the additional debt is just plain not going to happen.

Fourth, I highly recommend the books by Dave Ramsey, especially "Total Money Makeover". Your library may have it, so you can read it for free. His basic pitch is to become debt free. That means cutting out any unnecessary expense such as meals out, fancy cars, expensive electronics, etc. Then work at paying off the debts, smallest to largest (ignore the interest rates). Oh, you need to have a budget, too. This book can be the perfect excuse to tell your wife NO taking out the loan to expand your home. You can even make it a softer NO by saying you want to hold off for a while so that you can understand the book and your finances better before you make any big changes.

Your divorce needs to be well planned. This doesn't mean you ambush your wife, but you should research carefully what the steps are where you live, and you need qualified legal advice from someone who knows how it goes in your location. Then you can start organizing the finances and looking for new housing.

You should not secretly hide money from your wife. It looks really bad to the court. If you need to take equity out of your house at some point to pay for the divorce, you can make that decision at that time. For now I would not take the loan and then divert it to your own account. All the assets and debts get accounted for in the divorce, so in the end there is no reason to rush now to take out the loan.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I can't get a link to post but...Paul Simon, "50 ways to leave your lover"

Just to add a little levity to a bad situation.


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