# Blended family broken.....



## Bigsigh

Hello all, feel free to give all opinions, good or... not good. Of course this is my side, so this is my story and I'm going to be as honest as possible. Basically, looking for perspective....

I am 44 and I have a 16 year old daughter and 18 year old son. Had been in a committed relationship for 10 years with a 48 year old man who has two daughters, 18 and 21.

My kid’s dad lives in another city and has very little contact with them. He is an alcoholic/drug user so we both agreed the less he called, the better.

We lived together for almost eight years. When we first moved in, it was good. Everyone got along, life was great. 

Slowly, things started happening that affected us. Little things like when he would take the girls back to their moms house after the weekends or after extended stays, sometimes nobody would tell me they are leaving when I was in the kitchen doing up supper dishes. That hurt. I would have to say even early on, sometimes I never felt in "the loop" as to what was going on in their lives, and would hear of something through my H telling another person. That would upset me because I would feel embarrassed when the other person realized I didn’t know about "this". And of course, trying to get the house organized again after those weekends (throw in friends for some or all of them as well). In the big picture, that is all little stuff, but sometimes I felt unappreciated.

Eventually, his younger daughter came to live with us when she was about 14 1/2. She didn’t have a good relationship with her mother and wanted out of that situation. He was more than happy to have her come to us, he detests his ex-wife. I think I had a couple days notice that this was happening so I was hurt that I wasn’t consulted with it until after the decision was made. He told me she is messed up and asked me to give her extra attention. I asked him to encourage her to come to me if she needs something and to let me know of her plans. That all sounds like it should work....but it didn’t. 

Maybe a month and a half after she came, my Dad passed away and I carried a heavy heart with my grief. Nothing to give. 

There was dis-respect towards me when I would ask her to do or not do something. Yes, sometimes it came out harsher from me as I let it build up too long. When she first came, she made her own lunch so I let that continue while I made my kids lunch like I normally had done. Looking back, sure I should have made her lunch as well. Things went from bad to worse for her and I. She started skipping school pretty much daily. My H was not happy that I wasn’t making her lunch and would let me know loud and clear that I should be. I felt that if she isn’t going to stay in school for the day, it's just making it even easier to skip out, although I never told him that at the time.

Laundry was another issue. H felt that since I did all of ours, I should be doing hers as well. Yes, he does have a point on that, but that wasn’t the way it worked out. She was already doing her own laundry her own on the weekends when she came here, which I thought was a good thing. I wasn’t allowed in her room and as a typical teenager, it was a disaster so if I was to do it, I would have had no idea what was clean and what was dirty. For the most part, I "did" her laundry by moving it from one machine to another once she started it. The issue was....if she left it in the laundry room, I would ask her to please take it to her room. After a few days, I would put it on her bed if it was still there. She didn’t like that and let me know loud and clear I am to stay out of her room.

I could go on and on about things that happened and what we both did wrong that eventually we had no relationship. My H telling me it's changing the way he feels and I need to fix this. In the meantime, I was thinking the same thing. I replied with I don't know what to do. He said you are the adult, figure it out. I suggested some things that I thought would help, they didn’t happen. At one point, we were in the car and had words....in some ways I felt it was a lecture. He told me don't make him choose. I told him I don’t trust her, (there was some theft, leaving in the middle of the night and no idea where she is, etc.). I also told him I feel she would be much happier if I wasn’t here, which he disagreed on. I had my defenses up and so did he, so communication was poor. 

When I would make a point to ask nicely for her to do/not do something, the defenses were up for her so words back to me weren’t nice and I would walk away in tears or completely frustrated. Our communication was also poor.

This built up over the course of a couple years. My sister in law is the only person who could come close to understanding what was happening here and yet their relationship worked differently. I had an on-line friend that told me to hang in there because she will mature and it will get better. I started to think I need to talk to a councilor because I didnt know what the freak was going on and why I am feeling this way...

He and I had a good relationship outside of the issues. We totally enjoyed each other's company and were completely compatible.

Last summer, everything came to a head. I found some stuff by accident on his blackberry to another woman that looked like the start of an emotional affair and talking that he and I were over. I felt the same way I did when I had lost my dad. Shock. I sat on that for a day and the next day I asked what was going on? Well....I found out a lot. He felt I had been abusing her and treating her like sh*t. This is hurting him. I had a big wake up call to the dynamics her and I fell into. I told him I WILL get this straightened out, I had NO idea he was feeling the same hurt I was. 

I went to her and told her we need to change this for her Dad because we are hurting him. We both agreed to lay the weapons down and find peace. I told her I don’t know what it’s going to look like, we may step backwards a few times, but let’s keep our eye on the goal. About a month and a half after this came to the open, he said he is out, too deeply hurt. He continued to live with us for another 6 months but never wavered in his decision even with seeing where her and I were at. He moved in with a friend. We were all devastated. She continued to live with me for the next 9 months and have come to a very loving relationship. Reluctently moved out on Saturday because of a financial situation. That was right up there with the hardest days of my life. She called me that night, sobbing and we ended up comforting each other.

In the last year and a half, her and I have exceeded beyond anything I thought was possible. All it took was one honest, real conversation rather than just “trying”. 

I have turned over every single rock i could find to show him we could do what her and i have done. He says I hurt him too deeply and he could never respect or trust me again, without that, it's over....all because I never knew he was feeling hurt.

I'm sorry this is so long, but I just wanted to not leave anything out. What does anyone think?


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## Atholk

Bigsigh said:


> About a month and a half after this came to the open, we said he is out, too deeply hurt. He continued to live with us for another 6 months but never wavered in his decision even with seeing where her and I were at. He moved in with a friend. We were all devastated. She continued to live with me for the next 9 months and have come to a very loving relationship.


So he was so hurt by you "abusing his daughter", he moved out and just left her with you?

That makes no freaking sense.


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## Bigsigh

Yes, that's another thing that we have been trying to figure out as well....he knows it was good between us though, we "found" the way and there were no issues. He knows we love each other so he wasnt concerned with her safety. 

She took me out for my birthday this summer and I asked her if she thought I abused her, she said "hell no, no more than I abused you".


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## justgluit

Hi Bigsigh,
Sorry to hear about the things that have taken place in your home. I'd like to commend you on how you were able to grow from a rocky step-mom and step-daughter relationship into what sounds like a mom and daughter relationship.
I have to be honest and say that I'm not convinced that your husband was being truthful with you. You won't know what's going on with him for sure until he comes clean.


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## Bigsigh

I would also like to ad that while turning these rocks over, at one point he said he hopes to have another relationship like ours, but better in the future (ouch). I asked him why he can't do that in this one....can't because I hurt him....also said he didnt want us to fail.

I asked him on Sunday how he was feeling. He said yesterday was hard day. Again, I asked him why is he doing this? He says he can't get through it. I told him he SHOULD respect and trust me because once he was honest with his feelings, I had to look at my feelings and figure out where everything had come from. It started with having an honest, gentle conversation with his daughter to turn this around.

Both of his daughters completely understand how we got to where we did. His oldest daughter is so proud of us and respects in a new light. She said you could have easily left when things werent good, but you found the way and worked through it instead.


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## Bigsigh

justgluit said:


> Hi Bigsigh,
> Sorry to hear about the things that have taken place in your home. I'd like to commend you on how you were able to grow from a rocky step-mom and step-daughter relationship into what sounds like a mom and daughter relationship.
> I have to be honest and say that I'm not convinced that your husband was being truthful with you. You won't know what's going on with him for sure until he comes clean.


There isnt someone else if that's what you mean. He actually said he doesnt know why he failed twice and after spending so many years in two different relationships, he has ended up alone again.

He say that when trust is broken, it breaks his him.
My reply to that is if I had actually known this was hurting him, if he had used that word, I would have looked inside much sooner. I thought he was as frustrated as I was at times, but deeply hurt?....No. He seems really surprised that I didnt know he was feeling hurt. How could I? He didnt tell me. I feel that I would consider it trust broken if things didnt change after he told me how he really feels...


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## Bigsigh

I think the biggest thing for me during that time was the way I was looking at it. I was very aware of my kids respect for him. When I didnt get it back, I felt pretty hurt because I figured he should be supporting me. When that didnt happen, things slowly started to change and I ended up feeling resentful. He saw me in tears many times.

Like I've said to him now, he would never be "in the middle" again because we have mutual respect and she loves me, I love her, we protect each others feelings. He says "but, it happened, and we can't change the fact that it happened".


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## VA women

Im sorry to hear about this,

It's really sad when relationships end up like this. From what I see your husband wanted you to be the mom to his daughter but not the parent. I had to deal with the same situation with my husband and his son. If he want's you to have the same feeling for his daughter that he has then he needed to keep you involved. The decisions should have been made together reguarding his daughter because Im sure you ask for advise reguarding your children. With those hurt feeling it seems that you became a little resentful toward the daughter because in a marriage the wife and husband should come first then the children. His daughter felt the resent from you and reacted on it. You felt she should respect you and she just wanted to you be a mom like you were to your kids. You didn't feel there was a need because your husband didn't make you feel like the mom or parent to his daughter. He can not expect you to be a part time mom. You only know how to be a full time parent. That's were the problems came in at and I feel you should sit him down and explain that to him. You were hurt from the beginning even before she moved in. Your feeling were never addressed so it was hard for you to get over those feeling and develop better relationship. I'm happy that you and your step daughter are getting along. That is a always a great thing. Unfortunately I see that if your husband was to come back the problems may surface unless he understands that you'll have to raise the kids together and set the same boundries. Here are a few tips I found and frequently use and I suggest for you and your husband to sit down together and go over a few. He may have a change of heart.

Tip 1: Make the Marriage a Priority

Tip 2: Relate to each child individually.

Tip 3: Learn all you can about blended families. 

Tip 4: Find a support group. 

Tip 5: Be patient and do not expect miracles. 

This is all on the web site Women's Health, Fitness, Quizzes, Diet and Workout Tips | Lifescript.com (5 stepmom tips for staying sane)

Hope everything work out


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## Bigsigh

Thanks for your replies.

VA, you are also bang on, I wanted to be involved and when i wasn't, I felt left out. You are right about the resentment. She also had some coming in because her own mom wasn't good to her and she says she carried those feelings forward to me. Lots of stuff was going on emotionally. Your post is so true, there is no doubt my feelings werent addressed. Even boundries were an issue. Like I said, once I realized my resentment had affected us, it was so easy to work through it. Her and I have had deep heart to heart conversations about our feelings. She totally understands what happened and why. I feel SHE acknowledges my feelings in the way that I thought he should have and I have done the same with my acknowledgemnet for hers. We have cried together, laughed together and with that created a beautiful relationship.

Unfortunately, he is out and determined to stick to that position.

I am going to copy this at some point once there is more input and send it to him. Hopefully he can understand this is not about me being a cold or mean person at all, it is so much more than what he sees. Chances are he may end up in another relationship with a woman that has kids and because he has kids, here we go again....


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## Bigsigh

Something else that is difficult to explain or understand while this is going on that you feel bad inside for feeling the way to do. I was the adult and why I felt so bad inside over a teenager was hard to face. I have told him I think she was a scapegoat to what was going on between us. Does that make sense to anyone?


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## Bigsigh

VA, I'm still thinking about your understanding of what happened. I remember asking him to let me be me with her, we WILL figure this out. When he would take me into the bedroom and give me what I felt was a lecture, again, my feelings werent considered and I shut down.

The one thing is that I always cared. When she didnt come home from work, I was up in the middle of the night worried about where she was. I asked my kids to text their mutual friends the next morning to see if they could help find her. At one point during her rebelious phase, he thought she was having sex and wanted to see if she was lying by taking her to the doctor and finding out for sure. I was dead set against doing that to her dignity.


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## VA women

That was a great thing that you did. When step children come into the picture sometimes the true parent immediatly put up a wall because they feel that they wont get the same attention as the other children. That may have been a problem from the beginning but to add to the fire before the daughter came your husband shut down your dignity by not including you. It was really a no win situation because if you had of changed the things his daughter came into the situation doing like washing clothes and fixing lunch the daughter may have felt like you was taking something away from her or that you was trying to change her so that would of also been a problem. The bottom line is that your husband made a bad decision to not include you and make everything a joint decision in the beginning then expect for you to take care of her as if she was your own. You and his daughter learned to love and be considerate, Now it's his turn.


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## Bigsigh

Thanks VA. Everything you say resonates with me. He was telling me I have to treat her like my daughter. I was again saying then let me be me regarding that. 

He says I killed this relationship and without a doubt, I had a large role in this. The thing is he isnt able to see the big picture of why I came to feel the way I did.

It was a no win. Once we made our breakthrough, I was positive we were going to make it. I was shocked when he said he is out. 

Even she has told me she had so much going on inside of her, she wasnt interested in anything I had said to her. She was in councilling for awhile and I would asked him how it was going. If I didnt ask, then nothing was said to me. He thought that I would be included in that at some point, but I wasnt. I have asked her awhile back if that would have made a difference, she said no, she was dealing with her feelings towards her own mom at that time.

It's funny how these feelings start creeping in and when we try to talk about them we got so defensive that the message isnt heard.

Yes, her and I have come a long way. There is much heartache for so many. He isnt going to change his mind. He's completely turned away rather than towards. He says I smashed his heart daily and he can't look at me the same. I understand where he is at because I went there too. Sad thing is there is a way out of it.


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## Atholk

So what is your actual question here Bigsigh. You've been telling the story, which I think you needed to do, but how is it that you want this story to end?

Personally if someone walks out on me leaving a kid that isn't mine in my house, and blames me for the failure of the relationship over the "mistreatment" of that same kid, while they start an EA... well lets just say I start acting "assertively" within a couple days of all this going down. 

Why have you let this drag on so long?


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## justgluit

Hello again Bigsigh,
Situations such as the one you're dealing with right now causes us to examine ourselves to see where we went wrong or what we could have done better. I would like to encourage you with these words.
Don't be hard on yourself. Parenting our biological kids can be difficult enough. You gained the additional challenge of a teenager that was "rough around the edges" due to turmoil in HER life AND you suffered the loss of your father which was a painful experience as well. You may have made some mistakes during that difficult period but what you've done RIGHT out-weigh all of them. The turn-around in the relationship between you and your daughter says a lot about YOU. 
I believe your husband is a decent man. Being a husband and father myself, I also know that even decent men make mistakes.
If he's the man I think he is, he'll eventually realize HIS mistakes and own up to them. Meanwhile, give his "hurt" enough time to run its course. Until then, spend your time and energy furthering you and your kids.


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## believer

I can feel for you in that once you were told or realized how your husband felt ( & up until that point you were unaware of his feelings) that you immediately took action and tried to make things right. 
I think it is amazing how you & his step daughter were able to overcome your issues and build a trusting & open relationship. 
It is a shame that your husband does not see this & appreciate what you did to try to make things right. In the beginning, I think you were doing it for him but in the end you were doing it for you because it felt right. 

I think you are right in saying that he doesn't "trust" you is not the right word. I don't see anywhere in your story where you did anything for him not to trust you. 
If he was so hurt or upset with the way he felt you were treating his daughter he should have come forward & told you & tried to come up with a solution. But from what it sounds like, he only further isolated you & expected you to figure it out on your own. 

I find it interesting that he was so upset about how he felt you were treating his daughter - yet he leaves you & his daughter in your care. hmmmm. . . .
I think you have given it your best shot. You have reached out to his daughter & formed an amazing relationship. YOu have reached out to him saying that you want to try to work things out with him. 
You have done all that you can do at this point - it is up to him. And from what you are saying - it doesn't sound like he is willing to do more ( which is a pity). So like someone mentioned before, you can give him time if you choose, but in the meantime, pay extra attention to yourself & do things for you & not for him. 
And begin to accept the fact, that he may not change his mind & continue to do his own thing. And it would be unfortunate for you to keep waiting for something that never may happen.

In the end, you can at least have peace with yourself. That you turned the relationship around with your step daughter & you did all you could do to try to save your relationship. 
best wishs


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## Bigsigh

Atholk said:


> So what is your actual question here Bigsigh. You've been telling the story, which I think you needed to do, but how is it that you want this story to end?
> 
> Personally if someone walks out on me leaving a kid that isn't mine in my house, and blames me for the failure of the relationship over the "mistreatment" of that same kid, while they start an EA... well lets just say I start acting "assertively" within a couple days of all this going down.
> 
> Why have you let this drag on so long?


I don't actually have a "question", was looking more for perspective. He has also said in the past that if the tables were turned and it was him and one of my kids that this had happened with, I would have been out of there long time ago. I said not so...I would have been to the moon that they were on their way.


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## Bigsigh

justgluit said:


> Hello again Bigsigh,
> Situations such as the one you're dealing with right now causes us to examine ourselves to see where we went wrong or what we could have done better. I would like to encourage you with these words.
> Don't be hard on yourself. Parenting our biological kids can be difficult enough. You gained the additional challenge of a teenager that was "rough around the edges" due to turmoil in HER life AND you suffered the loss of your father which was a painful experience as well. You may have made some mistakes during that difficult period but what you've done RIGHT out-weigh all of them. The turn-around in the relationship between you and your daughter says a lot about YOU.
> I believe your husband is a decent man. Being a husband and father myself, I also know that even decent men make mistakes.
> If he's the man I think he is, he'll eventually realize HIS mistakes and own up to them. Meanwhile, give his "hurt" enough time to run its course. Until then, spend your time and energy furthering you and your kids.


Thanks for your understanding. I seriously remember many times while this was going on that he will never understand or have to deal with I was dealing with. I saw to best of my ability to ensure that. 

He says that other people cannot understand this because it didnt happen to them....which I can easily say the same thing...what happened to me, didnt happen to him...

One heart to heart talk changed everything....


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## Bigsigh

believer said:


> I can feel for you in that once you were told or realized how your husband felt ( & up until that point you were unaware of his feelings) that you immediately took action and tried to make things right.
> I think it is amazing how you & his step daughter were able to overcome your issues and build a trusting & open relationship.
> It is a shame that your husband does not see this & appreciate what you did to try to make things right. In the beginning, I think you were doing it for him but in the end you were doing it for you because it felt right.
> 
> I think you are right in saying that he doesn't "trust" you is not the right word. I don't see anywhere in your story where you did anything for him not to trust you.
> If he was so hurt or upset with the way he felt you were treating his daughter he should have come forward & told you & tried to come up with a solution. But from what it sounds like, he only further isolated you & expected you to figure it out on your own.
> 
> I find it interesting that he was so upset about how he felt you were treating his daughter - yet he leaves you & his daughter in your care. hmmmm. . . .
> I think you have given it your best shot. You have reached out to his daughter & formed an amazing relationship. YOu have reached out to him saying that you want to try to work things out with him.
> You have done all that you can do at this point - it is up to him. And from what you are saying - it doesn't sound like he is willing to do more ( which is a pity). So like someone mentioned before, you can give him time if you choose, but in the meantime, pay extra attention to yourself & do things for you & not for him.
> And begin to accept the fact, that he may not change his mind & continue to do his own thing. And it would be unfortunate for you to keep waiting for something that never may happen.
> 
> In the end, you can at least have peace with yourself. That you turned the relationship around with your step daughter & you did all you could do to try to save your relationship.
> best wishs


I was never told of his feelings and to this day, he seems suprised when I have said that. Yes....he said it was "changing the way he feels", which was the same way I was feeling as well. How could I know, anymore than he could have known how I was feeling? I asked him during this process if he thought I was a b***h or if he had ever seen my distance with anyone else....he says no....to which I said this happened because her and I were not able resolve the issues we had between us....again, rather than "trying" it took a real, honest conversation. 

He has said that if his boss at work was telling him the same thing, he would have every reason to be "fired". I suggested this is no where near the same thing. He feels love should have simply flourished...

It's been mentioned to me by him, that he wonders how I can look at myself in the mirror...sleep at night...forgive myself, etc. It's pretty simply....whether he believes it or not...whether he can see it or not...I had my heart hammered too and I forgive and hold nothing going forward and wanted to use the same process with him. Listen, talk, empathize, cry if needed, give a hug when one is needed...have peace, trust yourself to trust another...

He isnt going to change his mind, can't understand how I would think he even could. I will respect his decision because I need more. I think the important thing to learn from this one is perspective. Sometimes we only see things from one way...I have been so freaking good at flipping it around all my life to understand where people are coming from. That's why for me forgiveness is a the simplest thing. I missed it on this one perhaps because of the anger I felt directed my way clouded things perhaps? Also, don't let kids get in the middle.
Without a doubt, life goes on...we learn as we grow, grow as we learn...


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## believer

so what happens now? . . . what is the next step? keep us posted how you are doing.


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## Bigsigh

believer said:


> so what happens now? . . . what is the next step? keep us posted how you are doing.


Unfortuntately, nothing new to add. He is gone, has no intention of coming back. We are trying to heal at our end. I still really think he doesnt understand how we came to where we did. He keeps going back to how we treat people. This is very true of course. When issues are not getting resolved, things tend to build up, on both sides. We flight, fight or find a way to unite. Her and I found the way to unite, but it's too late.
The whole thing just sucks....


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## Bigsigh

How strange to see my thread bumped up, lol!! I always find it interesting to see spammers do this.

Well....I may as well update. 

He purchased a house about five minutes away from us. He has invited me over for a hot tub at the new place on several occasions. He's come over to our house and we've played cards or just visited. He has hired me to do yardwork in his new place as he is unsure of some of that kinda stuff. We've had some really good talks about everything from the past to what is going on currently. I invited him to come to a party some of my friends were having a couple months ago and he came. It was in a city three hours away and we stayed at my brothers house. Good weekend.

The same brother is having a milestone birthday in February and because the two of them were basically best friends, my sister in law asked me to ask him if he is up for a surprise trip to Vegas, just the four of us. He is.

Now.....he still maintains he doesnt want to lead me on or hurt my feelings. I assure him that "this is what it is". There is no pressure coming from me. When we get together, it is good and we have fun as well as some serious talks. 

He came for Thanksgiving dinner (it's in October here in Canada) His daughter and her boyfriend as well as my kids were here. While we were doing dishes, he says he absolutely sees a positive change in me. 

He's told me he has gone on some dates but the chemistry is just not there. He has said nobody has had an affect on him like I did and he won't settle, to which I agreed one should never settle.

As far as the relationship with his daughter is going, it just keeps getting better and better. We are BOTH pretty proud of ourselves in that department.

I am looking around at other men, but so far nothing has caught my eye.....


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