# How did your kids take it?



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I am in the process of dealing with my wifes affair.
She will tell you there is none, I have not come up with solid proof, just the phone always on silent, the coming home in the wee hours of the morning when she does go out ( once or twice a month), the fact she gets home at 430am every night after work (says she is putting in overtime) 

the texting when i am not in the room, trying to inconspicuously hider her phone on the chances i walk in when she is mid text.

I know she is having an affair.

I do love her but will not put up with this.
We are working on our marriage but my heart is not in it.

I think it is time to cut our losses while we still have some zest in our bodies.

I am mainly sticking around for my children.
They think all is well between her and I.

So I want to know if kids recover?
I know they will be hurt in the beginning and that we need to come up with a good parenting plan, good custody plan that benefits kids the most.

Have any of you gone through this and how did your kids come out of it?

Any responses or critiques very welcomed.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Get a hold of cell phone and text records for the last six months.

Get a Voice Activated Recorder, put it under the seat of her car

Get a keylogger for the computer and install it when she's not there.

That will provide you with email passwords and facebook id's.

Within a week, you'll have what you need.

Then you expose her and posOM - especially to posOM's wife.

The Coping with Infidelity forum has many many folks very knowledgeable in gathering evidence.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> Get a hold of cell phone and text records for the last six months.
> 
> Get a Voice Activated Recorder, put it under the seat of her car
> 
> ...



Lol. Thnks conrad.

Reason I laugh is because I somewhat suspect om but definitely suspect OW!

Ill check her cell for sure to get the hard evidence.

Reason I posted here is more for the people who are going thru a divorce and how their kids are doing.

I know the beginning is rough on them but are they recovering?
Better off?

I will post the infidelity part on the cwi forum as well.

Thanks for the advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Lol. Thnks conrad.
> 
> Reason I laugh is because I somewhat suspect om but definitely suspect OW!
> 
> ...


There's a (female) poster here from the past who got caught with OW and she and her husband ran with it.

Some of his friends consider him the luckiest guy on the planet.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Conrad said:


> There's a (female) poster here from the past who got caught with OW and she and her husband ran with it.
> 
> Some of his friends consider him the luckiest guy on the planet.


Really?
The way my head is right now, I may not be against that.
I mean, if the marriage is gonna end regardless well......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## coachman (Jan 31, 2012)

My W had an A with OW.

Of course I wasn't lucky enough to get in on the action.

But yes..it happens.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> Really?
> The way my head is right now, I may not be against that.
> I mean, if the marriage is gonna end regardless well......
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You sound like you love her.

If she trusts you enough to be honest - and you're ok with it....


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

COACHMAN:

Did it make it easier that it was with OW?

CONRAD: 

I do love her, but part of me is excited to build a new life.
sort of like a reset button.

Part of me knows it will sting for sure.
Head is all mixed up.

I spose that is normal.

Just trying to see how the kids will end up.

Turning into a conversation that is a little more fun for me though!


----------



## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

How old are your kids?


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Calling All Angels said:


> How old are your kids?


14 and 7. Both boys
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Calling All Angels (Jan 3, 2013)

No child wants to see their parents divorce. It will be difficult for them under any circumstance. If your wife keeps acting like this they will pull away from her. It's very important that they don't feel like they have to choose sides. They will need both of you to not talk badly about each other. Start finding some good books to help you go through this. Your 14 year old will have a better understanding and more coping skills than your 7 year old. I would find a good therapist for you and your boys. Kids seem to think that it is somehow their fault and need constant reassurance.

It's so important to make them your top priority. Don't bring dates around for them to meet. That is horrible for a child too see their parent with some else too soon. You and your wife need to be on board with this 100%. This will take time and no matter how hard you try they will be hurt. Be honest and be there to talk when they need to. If you and your wife can show respect for each other it will 
help. I'm going through this myself and agreed to stay until my son finishes high school in June. Both kids know we are getting divorced and I have taken my daughter to therapy with me. She is doing okay right now,and we talk about things a lot. They understand and have had time to get used to what is coming. My advise is coming from watching close friends and family going through divorce. It helps to compare notes with others and this site is another good way to do this. Everyone will have a different story and every child will react differently as well. You seem like a good parent, follow your instincts. You will be able to tell if your sons are not doing well. Let their teachers know what's happening and grades are a good indicator of how they are dealing with it. Hold them and tell them how much you love them and that they can tell you anything. You will be their rock I bet. I wish you the best and hope you find someone else that makes you happy.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Calling All Angels said:


> No child wants to see their parents divorce. It will be difficult for them under any circumstance. If your wife keeps acting like this they will pull away from her. It's very important that they don't feel like they have to choose sides. They will need both of you to not talk badly about each other. Start finding some good books to help you go through this. Your 14 year old will have a better understanding and more coping skills than your 7 yeari old. I would find a good therapist for you and your boys. Kids seem to think that it is somehow their fault and need constant reassurance.
> 
> It's so important to make them your top priority. Don't bring dates around for them to meet. That is horrible for a child too see their parent with some else too soon. You and your wife need to be on board with this 100%. This will take time and no matter how hard you try they will be hurt. Be honest and be there to talk when they need to. If you and your wife can show respect for each other it will
> help. I'm going through this myself and agreed to stay until my son finishes high school in June. Both kids know we are getting divorced and I have taken my daughter to therapy with me. She is doing okay right now,and we talk about things a lot. They understand and have had time to get used to what is coming. My advise is coming from watching close friends and family going through divorce. It helps to compare notes with others and this site is another good way to do this. Everyone will have a different story and every child will react differently as well. You seem like a good parent, follow your instincts. You will be able to tell if your sons are not doing well. Let their teachers know what's happening and grades are a good indicator of how they are dealing with it. Hold them and tell them how much you love them and that they can tell you anything. You will be their rock I bet. I wish you the best and hope you find someone else that makes you happy.


Thank you Angel.

That was a very realistic look as to what one can expect.
I plan on monitoring and being a rock for them.

I really do hope evertrhing turns out well for the bpth of us
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I plan on monitoring and being a rock for them.


It would be better (if you and your STBXW can manage it) to be a rock for them together.

Otherwise you can expect to be accused of trying to play the good guy just to make her look bad. 

And you can expect anger from the children. You want to hug them and they just want to lash out at you. Just got to suck it up. Their nice safe lives are being turned into a hellhole of uncertainty and fear and they don't understand why. They know you have something to do with it, and they know that you were once the bedrock of that nice safe environment but aren't any more (because there is no safe environment any more). A child's blame is harsh and irrational. You just have to suck it up.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I believe that making your kids a priority is absolutely crucial for how well or not they will handle their parents splitting up. My oldest is eight years old and he is not handling things well at all. His dad is in the honeymoon phase of a love affair and he is treating our son like an after-thought as a result by only spending time with him after work on weekends and reserving his days off for the new woman. 

As a result of dad's lack of attention, combined with me being the only one meeting the demands of a new, five month old baby, my son has been crashing hard for the last two months. Luckily, I have access to resources like counseling and we will be doing individual and family counseling together to help him process this. The school is also involved and giving me support with him as I have no family/social network out here to support me through this. That is starting to be helpful as he's had a mild change in attitude in the last week. Dad and I have been separated for six months. 

Kids are resilient. Some kids are more resilient than others but also the care/attention the kids can get from the parents and extra TLC goes a long way. I am doing what I can from my end but dad really needs to step up his game.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

That's the part that sickens me the most!

I understand that the stbx has no interest in us but man!
You helped bring the kid(s) into the world!

Own up to it! 
If they want to call you to say goodnite, be there!
Pick up the phone! You do not have to say one word to me,
in fact you can hate me all you want but grow up and be there for your kids!

Weekends wont cut it.
If they want to call then answer.
If they want an email from you then send it.

In fact, dont even ask just do it cause you know they want/need you more than ever right now..

Thanks for the insight Voltaire and Mis-taken.
This is gonna be a bumpy road but at least it wont get me by surprise!!


----------



## thisSux (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm pretty new at the separated thing so i may not have as many insights as others but here's my 2 bobs worth.

Be honest with them, sit down as a family and tell them a simplified version of what is happening, when you have told them your plans eg mum will be with you this day and this day, stick to it, the worse thing you can do is mess the kids around, don't ***** about each other around your kids and if they have questions answer them, best you can without disturbing them.the most interesting thing for me is because i don't have them everyday our time is precious and we spend it doing things together

My kids have all taken to our separation pretty well, My stbxw asked my 7 year old daughter the other day how she felt about it and she replied, I don't care as long as i get to spend time with both of you...from the mouths of babes


----------



## Jack spade (Dec 29, 2012)

I'm pretty much in a similar sitch. Short background - got the standard ILYBNILWY speech. Two months later found out about my wife's EA/PA. All the red flags were there. Late nights after work, phone locked and never leaving the room without her phone. I still love her and am trying to R but she wants no part of it and is hellbent on D. I can't do anything about that so I have to roll with it. 

I'm trying to see how best to make this as least stressful on my S3. Looking to see what the best custody arrangement is etc.. I want to put his needs first and don't want to do anything that will negatively impact him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Miss Taken said:


> Kids are resilient.


You often hear this but I don't actually think it is true. Kids are good at putting a brave face on things, but that is not the same as being resilient. Often the damage is hidden and doesn't show up for decades. Perhaps it will only surface when his/her own marriage breaks down in a few decades time.

I know my divorce is damaging my kids in ways that I will never know or see. And its killing me.


----------



## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I came from a broken home as well.

I don't think I had any long term damage. (except my upcoming divorce Hahhahah *sigh*) 

I do remember being crushed at a young age and every time my mother dated someone else it hurt.

She is a great mother and I now see why she divorced my father but it took some time.

I guess you listen, talk and encourage.
Counsel and be there.

If both parents do this, it can be that much easier on them.

I know it won't be easy, but easier is what I am shooting for


----------



## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> I know it won't be easy, but easier is what I am shooting for


I think that's the only way you can approach it.

Look at it another way. You can't protect your kids from all the shocks and disappointments of life. You can only help them try to deal with them as best they can. Divorce is just another one of those external events you can't do much about. All you can do is to help your kids through it to the best of your ability and try to prevent them from "learning" any of the false "lessons" that often get ingrained in kids' heads at times like this:
- it's all my fault; if only I was a better person this wouldn't be happening
- they're all so busy arguing that no-one is listening to me - I'm just not important
- I need love and no-one is giving it to me. I am not worthy of love
- if they really loved me they wouldn't be doing this - but they won't stop it. No-one loves me

But it's pretty much impossible IMO to stop at least some of these thoughts entering a child's head and having a very powerful impact. And we all know that you can "know" in your head that something isn't true but still feel it very powerfully in your heart. So a child might know in her head that both parents still love her but her heart feels ripped apart. And when a vulnerable person suffers emotional trauma like that they often conclude, without ever actually thinking about it, that the pain must be due to something that they have done or some inadequacy in themselves.


----------

