# Starting to get it



## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Probably did a dumb thing on Monday, sent my wife an email telling her that I miss her and love her, of course got no reply and I didn't expect one. Just was thinking about her alot.

My co-workers are telling me to just move on and forget 17 years together, but I can't just do that, I do still love her. They say I am wasting my time even thinking about trying to get her back.

I was downloading alot of pics tonight that I had put on a stick before I left home, and I finally really came to understand that I was never there for my family, either because I worked different jobs and hours, or because I just didn't know how to act with family and therefore cut myself out of things. She had told me that before quite a few times, but I never really understood until now. There are so few pictures with me in them that I sit here with tears in my eyes knowing that I did this to my wife and kids. I don't really understand why I did this, but I do know that is the person I have been, not the person I wanted to be. I don't really know how to be any different, but I am going to try (no, I will) to be better and spend time with the people that I love. This has always been an issue for me, from about 15 on when I went through hell at school and had no real family life at home. I guess all that made me introverted, to the point that I have now lost my family.

I just wish I has seen this a long time ago, but I guess I was just too dumb. Now it is too late. I guess I got what I had coming to me.

This has been a strange day. I had thought about looking up an old co-worker where I live now, and actually got her phone number from our computer system, just to go out and talk, as I haven't really had anyone to talk to about things. Before I got home tonight, went to get some food, and ran into her at the store. Weird how that worked, so she said she will swing by work one day and we'll go out and bs for a while. That was good, and then here I am now and I don't know what I want to do. I know I can never go back to the life I had, or the one I should have with my wife. But deep in my heart that is all I really want, for us to be in love with each other in each others arms. Sigh.


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## cantletgo (Mar 22, 2010)

I know how you feel as far as wanting to have your family back together and the love of your life back in your arms. My H is still home, looking for another place to live, and it kills me. I have to restrain myself from crawling into his arms when we sit on the couch, or from kissing him when I go to bed. It's awful. I hope that we will both be able to move on and one day find our happy place again. Hang in there Hurtin', it has to get better.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Had another dream about her/us last night, probably 6 nights in a row. We are together and I'm saying let's just spend the day together and she is pulling away. So I say "I know, you don't want to spend time with me" and she says that's right or nods or something. Hurts like hell. Then you get to wake up and live the reality of it. Great way to start the day again.


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## jtk (Apr 24, 2010)

Hurtin' unit said:


> Had another dream about her/us last night, probably 6 nights in a row. We are together and I'm saying let's just spend the day together and she is pulling away. So I say "I know, you don't want to spend time with me" and she says that's right or nods or something. Hurts like hell. Then you get to wake up and live the reality of it. Great way to start the day again.


I really feel your pain and I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Unfortunately, grief runs in stages. You have to go through each one in order to get past it and move on. The only thing that will lessen the pain is time, as difficult as it is. Everyone has their own process for getting through it, but it will start to get easier.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

You are in the withdrawal stage. Keep it up because this is the most difficult one. About the email, don't beat yourself too hard, remember that it can go either way, but she needs time. Just take it as it is you were telling her that you love her and care for her, just avoid contacting her constantly. 

It was not only your fault if the marriage was not working, it did not happen overnight. Issues between the couple maybe were developing even prior to getting married or during the first stages. I have come to realize for us, me and my wife, that the way we looked at things was very different. 

We changed, or at least maybe we pretended to be two different people when we started dating. After the honeymoon stage, the crazy love, the longing, the idealizing, etc. We started to see the flaws in each other's personalities and in a way was hard to get used to them or accept them. Some say that in order to love your partner completely, you have to accept him as an imperfect person and even come to love his flaws. We struggled so much to the point of not being able to agree on the simplest things because we are very strong minded. 

Do not blame yourself too hard, yes you at fault but NOT completely. Remember if you are going to try to be a different person, yes try, you are going to have bad days when you go back to your old self and good days but do it for yourself. Go and talk to a counselor, getting everything out of your system REALLY helps believe me, and you start understanding yourself. I mean you already know why you are the way you are, and you cannot feel bad if you had a bad childhood it wasn't up to you. Now you as the one do decide if you want to go to counseling and discuss all these issues.

You have to be REALLY strong right now and have as much support as you can. Call friends, relatives, it is good that you are talking to that ex coworker. There are some helplines too if you need to talk to somebody in the middle of the night. Just google depression helpline, etc.

We are here to help each other in our darkest moments, I have been there, I am moving on and even if I am not there yet, I can see how I am changing little by little. At the end, we will learn something from this experience.

Don't feel guilty if you are frustrated, needy, depressed, etc. allow yourself to have these feelings because it means you are human and feel pain. 

peace be with you,


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Be careful with this female friend/co-worker. You are in a very vulnerable state right now. I haven't read your history, but you don't want to make a stupid mistake and ruin any chance you might have at reconciliation. 

If she's someone you really need to talk to then keep it simple and safe - like lunch - which is in broad daylight, shouldn't involve alcohol, and has a time limit.

And don't beat yourself up too much about the past - its never all one person's fault. Just make yourself and your children a promise that no matter what happens with your wife you will begin to really, truly be there for them from this point forward.

Good luck.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I read a good book - "Divorce and New Beginnings" and it's actually healthy of you, whether you divorce or reconcile, to acknowledge there is a "balanced view" of why a marriage goes wrong. At the beginning, I kinda pleaded with my counselor to see what I was doing wrong but she didn't want to engage in the exercise (I guess b/c I was so full of self-blame and she saw it as futile since she didn't want to participate).

It even helps abate some of the anger.

I had a lot of dreams at night that would disturb me during the inital phases of separation. It's probably one for the psychologists to psychoanalyze but your deep psyche is trying to put things together.

What I took away from the book is this. . .(among a lot of other things). . .All relationships enrich you in some way and to thank your wife/husband for enrichening your life in whatever way he/she did.

That is the grief that you (and I) must go through to achieve closure.

It's how you can say goodbye with some peace.

The book also warns about the "false hope trap" - the constant hope of reconciliation and how it can stagnate you from growing as a person.

So be wary. . .not that reconcilation is an impossibility. . .it's just that you can't bank on it and you must grow and have reconciliation come to you vs. you go to it.

PS: Want to know a pure obvious dream I had when I was first separated? Here it was but here's what happened during the day.

I was at the office and I was going out with a woman in my office. ONe of the office secretaries made an off comment about me that I was just trying to score as many women possible since I was divorcing. I got a little irate as they were gossiping about me.

Later that night I dreamed:

_I was in my old house that I grew up and people were trying to enter the house and I was feeling threatened. I had a pet bull that was under my command. On my command it would attack the intruders as they entered taking them out. I remember feeling comforted by the presence of the bull. _

I've never had a more blatantly obvious dream interpretation. Look up the symbolism of the bull in dreams. (looked just like a Taurus bull in my dream).

Keep a dream journal - you may find them very revealing.


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## Hurtin' unit (Apr 13, 2010)

Thanks for all the advice. One of my guys at work who is I consider a friend told me I was being stupid today, was just almost yelling at me about this. Then he felt bad, but he was right. I just told him that it's easy to say, but harder when you are living it. I also told him to keep saying what he thinks, not to hold back at all, I need to hear it.

I realize that I can't go back, and honestly I don't want to with her sister now living there, she is really just a very mean, bitter person and I will never be able to be around her again. I am just in mourning for what we used to have, which has been gone a long time now. I do love my wife very much, but it will never be what it was, and deep down I know that, and accept it on certain levels.

Where we are now is both of our faults, I realize that. And I am slowly realizing what part of it is mine, and how the way I acted caused her feelings to change over time. There were other factors, but it hurts to realize what an idiot I was to do or not do the things I did. I did some really good things too, I have never seen my wife as happy as when I brought home a dog for her 10 days after our old dog died on boxing day. She said she wasn't ready, but she couldn't sleep and was very depressed, and the look on her face when that pup started licking it was the happiest I have ever seen her, ever. And I agreed to leave my job and move to a very small town and live next door to her parents to try to be there for them as they got older, and for her to make up lost time with them. Which ultimately played a fairly big part in the demise of our relationship, not due to her folks at all, but other circumstances that changed our lives.

The old co-worker is just a friend. I am staying with a current co-worker, but although he is a great guy, it's not like he wants to talk about the emotional part of this all, he went through it himself 3 years ago. She is just somebody that I got along with and has had alot of crap happen to her in her life, and she is somebody I can talk to. She knows my wife as my wife helped out on Saturdays where I work two summers ago, and they got along great too. Like I said, just a friend. And somebody to get me out of the house here that doesn't involve motorcycles or snowmobiles (my profession), even though the dirt bike rides are fun, it isn't letting me get any of this out. Plus I want to learn the new town a bit, and just get out and do different things.

Battery on laptop dead, gotta go.
Thanks again.


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