# How to have a realistic attitude with issues...



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

So...

Me and OH sat last night, him in armchair across from me and me on sofa. We were chatting interspersed with going on laptop, reading, him playing with his phone. Both tired but the mood good.

I'm itching for some contact. I think of asking him to come and sit with me; but don't because he's said he doesn't like feeling crowded.

I think of getting him to come and lie down and snuggle watching tv; but don't because he doesn't like not having space.

I think of asking for a footrub; but he was so off with me the other day when I asked (he doesn't like me putting my legs on his lap) that I thought it foolish to go "there" again.

So contemplate asking for a backrub; he'd probably say "yes" but to wait until bedtime because "it's more relaxing then" (aka "it can warm you up for sex.")

So what DID I do? I sat feeling very resentful, realising that he'd go all evening without touching me then want to get it on when we go to bed. Guess what? He did. Guess what? I didn't want to.

It didn't help that on his arrival from work I shimmied up to him and tried to engage him in a crafty sexy bodies-pressed-all-up-together cuddle before the kids came racing in to see him, and he did the "removing me from him with both hands" move where he kind of puts me to one side like I'm in his way and started talking about something else.

He was supposed to be making an effort. I keep telling myself I have to filter out the legitimate occasions where he might not want affection (eg he feels sweaty and dirty from work) and to be frank I feel somewhat pathetic having to ask for his attentions because he hasn't been offering them. I feel like the more I ask, the needier I appear to him. So how do I deal with the lack of instigating affection or the turning down even though he knows how I feel?


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## Isaac222 (Mar 2, 2011)

Er... Broom this loser and find someone who likes affection?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

1 thing here caught my attention;
I don't know if this is your normal approach, but asking him to tend to you,(back rub, foot rub) is probably not his idea of affection.
My wife does that occasionally and I tell her that asking for a backrub out of the blue is not "snuggling". That means I am expected to provide a service and I am not her cabin boy.


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## Fee_ (Jan 26, 2011)

What is your non-sexual affection like in bed? Do you snuggle then, or is it a wham-bam-thank-you-mam-roll-over-goodnight sort of thing? If you're cuddly in bed, perhaps that's all he needs.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

If I were a woman I'd want my hair brushed.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

"He needs space", "He feels crowded"... and your feelings and needs? It's turning into a bit of a merry-go-round. Due to his unwillingness to change it seems all that's left to do is lower your expectations. You already seem to be lowering them with this thread title - what is a 'realistic attitude' with regard to this issue exactly? Is he displaying a 'realistic attitude' by expecting you to be content with this? You are obviously trying to have a 'realistic attitude', whatever it might be, and adapt yourself to this situation, but what is he doing? The fact is, resentment is building up, and manifesting itself in other areas of your relationship. You can't go on like this, and I would seriously think about a lifetime with all of the issues you mentioned, before proceeding to marriage.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

One small observation. You are asking him to do unto you. What if you suggested giving HIM a back rub?


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> One small observation. You are asking him to do unto you. What if you suggested giving HIM a back rub?


I think this would be one of those instances where the old 'I need space' card would be drawn. I am familiar with the OP's threads and I think the issue is with all non-sexual affection. In her post, she said her first thought was to cuddle up together and watch TV, but this has caused arguments in the past, and she also tried to hug him when he came into the house, but she was rebuffed. It looks like he basically only touches her when he wants sex. It's not just acts of service she's after but general affection. I could be wrong, but that's how I read it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> One small observation. You are asking him to do unto you. What if you suggested giving HIM a back rub?


Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding....

Or - heaven forbid - a blow job.

I'm great at snuggling following one of those.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Gee you have to give a man a blow job to get a freeeken hug of affection at some point during an evening. Thank about providing a service. 

I don't think your husband needs more, I think he needs much less less. Cool things down a bit, don't be so eager and available. Don't wait for him at the door create the space he wants and give him time to come to you. I would also tell him what his lack of affection does to you. 

Woman usually require non-sexual affection and conversation. He is denying you one of your essential needs is like you denying him sex. 

Even a man who is not affectionate can learn to meet his wife needs for affection if he knows that is what she needs and he cares about her. I would let him know what this is doing to you and if you are not in the mood for sex because your needs are not being met than don't have sex. 

If he has the right to push you away and not learn to meet your needs then why are you having sex with him when you don't feel like it. He is not superior to you. Let him know that you understand his aversion to your need for affection but it decreases your desire to have sex with him. 

So when you don't feel like having sex when he pushes you away then don't. Tell him he will understand it the other side of the coin of his disinterest in meeting your needs for affection. 

Don't be a door mat, state what you need and if you don't get it don't give more than you can. He is too comfortable now he has no incentive to change - give him an incentive.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think this is what you need ...
Emotional Thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your relationship

Seems pretty obvious to me that physical touch is your primary love language ... and definitely isn't his. May be tough for you, but is the most likely to shake up the current funk of your marriage dynamic.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

tobio said:


> So...
> 
> Me and OH sat last night, him in armchair across from me and me on sofa. We were chatting interspersed with going on laptop, reading, him playing with his phone. Both tired but the mood good.
> 
> ...




Blimey. This man has some severe control and intimacy issues! It's like it makes him feel more powerful when you ask. 
Not wanting you to sit near him or touch him is a huge red flag. I am such a cuddly woman, I could NEVER stay married to such an icecube.

My husband grew up in a stiff upper lip, reserved family. As a result, he was rarely hugged or heard "I love you." While we were dating, I managed to warm him up with my snuggly and lovable attitude. Mr.G always says "You warmed me up." If my hubby never became a more affectionate sort, I would not have married him.

If asking makes you feel, by your own admission, needy and pathetic, I suggest that you stop approaching him. Take up a long forgotten hobby or connect with friends, rather than being shot down all the time. Men still like the chase, even when they marry.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Mrs.G said:


> Blimey. This man has some severe control and intimacy issues! It's like it makes him feel more powerful when you ask.
> Not wanting you to sit near him or touch him is a huge red flag. I am such a cuddly woman, I could NEVER stay married to such an icecube.


:iagree: He has verbally abused you in the past, witholds intimacy and threatens you with abandonment when you ask him for things. I don't know whether you've read anything on emotionally abusive men, and I know you often respond in defense of him, and list his good traits, but he does have a lot of emotionally abusive traits as well. I already suggested pulling away or having a time out from the relationship but with the kids I know it is not the easiest option for you. From everything you have written, now and in the past, it seems that it is clear he likes things as they are, and would rather have arguments with you than find some middle ground. It does smack of control, and general selfishness... ps. please don't listen to anyone who says giving blowjobs will get your needs met. That advice is right up there with "if you put out behind the bike sheds all the boys will like you"...


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

The next time he wants sex tell him no you don't want to be crowded, you need your space.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Wow, didn't expect so many replies!



DanF said:


> 1 thing here caught my attention;
> I don't know if this is your normal approach, but asking him to tend to you,(back rub, foot rub) is probably not his idea of affection.
> My wife does that occasionally and I tell her that asking for a backrub out of the blue is not "snuggling". That means I am expected to provide a service and I am not her cabin boy.


I genuinely hadn't thought of it like that. I know he will give back rubs because he knows how much I like them, and it is one thing he will offer up of his own accord, admittedly negotiating them so they end up as foreplay.

But I honestly don't think of it in a "derogatory to him" way. I like them, he's really good at them and it gets his hands on me. If anything, he's the boss of backrubs IYSWIM!



Fee_ said:


> What is your non-sexual affection like in bed? Do you snuggle then, or is it a wham-bam-thank-you-mam-roll-over-goodnight sort of thing? If you're cuddly in bed, perhaps that's all he needs.


Yes we do snuggle and all the rest. That last part is a possibility.



Mom6547 said:


> One small observation. You are asking him to do unto you. What if you suggested giving HIM a back rub?


I have many times. Sometimes as a reciprocal "thank you", sometimes just because. He nearly always refuses. One in a hundred times he will have one, either accepting my offer or asking of his own accord. It is VERY rare.



Conrad said:


> Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding, Ding....
> 
> Or - heaven forbid - a blow job.
> 
> I'm great at snuggling following one of those.


LOL! He gets BJs. I still don't get snuggling.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I think this is what you need ...
> Emotional Thermostat - the ultimate barometer of your relationship
> 
> Seems pretty obvious to me that physical touch is your primary love language ... and definitely isn't his. May be tough for you, but is the most likely to shake up the current funk of your marriage dynamic.


I need to reread that.

Mine is quality time and physical touch. He gives via acts of service. He wants to receive through physical touch... ie sex.



Mrs.G said:


> [/B]
> 
> Blimey. This man has some severe control and intimacy issues! It's like it makes him feel more powerful when you ask.
> Not wanting you to sit near him or touch him is a huge red flag. I am such a cuddly woman, I could NEVER stay married to such an icecube.
> ...


I have only recently realised he must have some issues. He admits he thinks he does. I do wonder if there is an element of control involved. I don't think he seeks out to make me ask but puts me in that position.

I fear if I stop asking, he will view the silence as my implicit acceptance of the status quo.



loren said:


> :iagree: He has verbally abused you in the past, witholds intimacy and threatens you with abandonment when you ask him for things. I don't know whether you've read anything on emotionally abusive men, and I know you often respond in defense of him, and list his good traits, but he does have a lot of emotionally abusive traits as well. I already suggested pulling away or having a time out from the relationship but with the kids I know it is not the easiest option for you. From everything you have written, now and in the past, it seems that it is clear he likes things as they are, and would rather have arguments with you than find some middle ground. It does smack of control, and general selfishness... ps. please don't listen to anyone who says giving blowjobs will get your needs met. That advice is right up there with "if you put out behind the bike sheds all the boys will like you"...


I too have thought all of this.



4sure said:


> The next time he wants sex tell him no you don't want to be crowded, you need your space.


ROFL- is it bad to think that is really funny?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Gee you have to give a man a blow job to get a freeeken hug of affection at some point during an evening. Thank about providing a service.
> 
> I don't think your husband needs more, I think he needs much less less. Cool things down a bit, don't be so eager and available. Don't wait for him at the door create the space he wants and give him time to come to you. I would also tell him what his lack of affection does to you.
> 
> ...


I have told him, in every which way imaginable, how this affects me. I have said I understand this is an issue for him. At this point what I see is me having to compromise my feelings- a LOT- with not much give on his part. If I bring it up again he will attack me for never being happy/always complaining/needy/whining/finding something to be unhappy about.

At the weekend he said something about our text exchange (when I said I was hurt by him turning down my want for affection) that has stayed in my mind. He said I never stopped complaining, that I was pathetic, petty, and he wanted me to know he had deleted all the texts from that night in case anyone oversaw what I had said, he didn't want anyone to see them because of how desperate, stupid and pathetic I sounded. I can't get that out of my head.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

tobio said:


> he didn't want anyone to see them because of how *desperate*, *stupid *and *pathetic *I sounded. I can't get that out of my head.


Abuse, abuse, abuse. He certainly does have issues honey, I feel for you. Glad you're seriously thinking things through.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

The hard words... Another way to play down my feelings. I said to him the other day when he claimed he had been looking at houses to rent, it was amazing the lengths he'd go to, he'd go right round the houses, take the long way round the problem, instead of just working on solving it, it seem crazy to me!

He twists things round to make it sound like I'm being neurotic, demanding, setting my standards too high... His most trotted-out line is, "but how many other couples who've been together a while act like that?" I'm not sure thinking about it if he genuinely believes these couples show no affection at all? He can't seem to rationalise or personalise this to me, that it is MY need. I am feeling resentful still. I think I could handle him brushing affection aside- at times- for legitimate reasons, done in a respectful way, eg, "hold that thought until I've showered from work babe," "let's save this til later when it's just you and me," "I just need half an hour to unwind from work, but here have this" (plants a kiss on my cheek), anything like that.

I honestly think the only way I could really grab his attention is to explain that my desire is waning, or be even a little more direct when he does suggest getting it on. I hate to say it but the sort of person he is, seems to only "get it" when confronted with cold, hard, brutal truth.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

YES to all this. 

He is being a selfish prik. I admit to being "impaired" when trying to help the OP. I love touch - non sexual touch is beautiful. So I don't "get" her H at all. 

I also think the idea of her giving him a massage is moving the marriage in the opposite direction of where it needs to go. HE needs to make some friggin effort here. 




Catherine602 said:


> Gee you have to give a man a blow job to get a freeeken hug of affection at some point during an evening. Thank about providing a service.
> 
> I don't think your husband needs more, I think he needs much less less. Cool things down a bit, don't be so eager and available. Don't wait for him at the door create the space he wants and give him time to come to you. I would also tell him what his lack of affection does to you.
> 
> ...


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## surfergirl (Jan 27, 2011)

tobio said:


> I have told him, in every which way imaginable, how this affects me. I have said I understand this is an issue for him. At this point what I see is me having to compromise my feelings- a LOT- with not much give on his part. If I bring it up again he will attack me for never being happy/always complaining/needy/whining/finding something to be unhappy about.
> 
> At the weekend he said something about our text exchange (when I said I was hurt by him turning down my want for affection) that has stayed in my mind. He said I never stopped complaining, that I was pathetic, petty, and he wanted me to know he had deleted all the texts from that night in case anyone oversaw what I had said, he didn't want anyone to see them because of how desperate, stupid and pathetic I sounded. I can't get that out of my head.


He deleted them because he didn't want anybody to see how deperate and stupid you are? Awwww....see....he DOES care about you! (NOT)

What a pathetic excuse for deleting messages....honestly, who is going to look at his phone? And why would he have those particular messages open when other people are around? 

He's just trying to make you feel bad and it's working. Stop thinking about what he said....he's just being all passive agressive. If you don't play in to it....it's no fun for him - so stop it (why should he have all the fun!).

I bet I know one way you haven't requested more non-sexual touch from him....

"hey numb-nuts....get your arse over here and rub my feet!!"

Or maybe not


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> YES to all this.
> 
> He is being a selfish prik. I admit to being "impaired" when trying to help the OP.


It really is hard. If she were not giving him his needs... It seems she really is trying to do that. He really does present as a totally selfish ... bad word man.



> I love touch - non sexual touch is beautiful. So I don't "get" her H at all.


I do! I have to use calming meditation not to shrink when DH touches me. I have to use concentration to remind me to hug and cuddle him. It is too bad since he does feel that it is not my genuine expression. But he also realizes it is me TRYING to give him what he needs.




> I also think the idea of her giving him a massage is moving the marriage in the opposite direction of where it needs to go. HE needs to make some friggin effort here.


Given that he has not so far, you have to wonder where this motivation is going to come from.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Very interesting. Do you feel crowded when he hugs you? 

Do you have desire for him? Meaning do you like sex, but dislike affection?




Mom6547 said:


> It really is hard. If she were not giving him his needs... It seems she really is trying to do that. He really does present as a totally selfish ... bad word man.
> 
> 
> I do! I have to use calming meditation not to shrink when DH touches me. I have to use concentration to remind me to hug and cuddle him. It is too bad since he does feel that it is not my genuine expression. But he also realizes it is me TRYING to give him what he needs.
> ...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Let's consider another view here.

My husband is also not very affectionate - never has been - family wasn't, what he learned and it physically makes him uncomfortable.

I also discovered recently that he doesn't "like to be asked" about any affection, whether sexual or non-sexual. The 'asking' part turns him off...seriously (he said so).

So I don't ask anymore. If I want a hug, I go get one (he always hugs back), if I want to hold his hand, I grab it. If I want to snuggle in bed, when we get there I snuggle up to him. If I want sex, I go there too. If I just DO IT, he very rarely pushes me away or says no. If I ASK, then it gives him the opportunity to make a decision about it and rejection usually happens.

So - try that out - don't ask, just do it. But don't overdo it or it will become an issue again - just slide it in there every now and then and it might acclimate him to being more open in receiving and giving the affection you need.

So far it has worked pretty well with my husband, now not to say I don't still get rejected, but I get rejected LESS if I don't ask first.

Worth a try...


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Very interesting. Do you feel crowded when he hugs you?


Yes. Not all touch is yucky. I like to cuddle on the couch. But so often it means a funny pull to an arm or a crick to the neck... It just so happens that we have a terrible couch. His enveloping hugs feel restrictive to me. I am not sure if it is personality or flashback to past sexual assault. 

I have to pay careful attention to his body when I am giving him drive by caresses and such. If I am not paying attention, I don't notice how nice he feels.

I have 150% confidence that he would not hurt me intentionally and that he is showing me love as he feels it. So it is not a huge deal for me. 



> Do you have desire for him? Meaning do you like sex, but dislike affection?


Do I feel desire for him. I cannot even describe. We have sex pretty much every day. Or every othe day if we are busy. I don't initiate because I am rarely given the opportunity. But he knows I am good to go any time. And it is very, very good. He basically rocks my world.

I don't dislike affection! He tells me everything about his day. I know the people he works with as well as he does. I like the jokes we share. I like when he is cleaning the kitchen, and I fold the laundry on the table nearby and we chat. I love watching snowboarding with him and riding up the chairlift. Or hiking in the fall. I love watching him kiss the kids goodnight. Those and many other things feel like affection to me.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

surfergirl said:


> What a pathetic excuse for deleting messages....honestly, who is going to look at his phone? And why would he have those particular messages open when other people are around?


Ah well sometimes he gives his phone to a friend if there's a particular photo or message that is relevant. Thing is, he just hands it over and lets them rifle through- people have seen personal stuff before which I haven't been that happy about. He has no sense of privacy- he wouldn't be bothered by people reading stuff normally so he was trying to make a point.



Mom6547 said:


> It really is hard. If she were not giving him his needs... It seems she really is trying to do that. He really does present as a totally selfish ... bad word man.


I do try. Yes I'm not perfect but I do think about what he would like and not like in all aspects of our relationship. I don't always get it right but I do put the effort in.



> I do! I have to use calming meditation not to shrink when DH touches me. I have to use concentration to remind me to hug and cuddle him. It is too bad since he does feel that it is not my genuine expression. But he also realizes it is me TRYING to give him what he needs.


OH at worst physically removes me "from" him. I can't tell you how that makes me feel; like I am an obstacle to be overcome. At least you try when your DH does it.



MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Let's consider another view here.
> 
> My husband is also not very affectionate - never has been - family wasn't, what he learned and it physically makes him uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


Very valid. What I would say is that OH USED to love affection. In fact I have mentioned previously that he used to want me to MORE affectionate in public and had a thing about it. He USED to want to snuggle on the sofa, used to love me laying my legs across his lap, giving me hugs, cuddles and kissing. 

I never used to ask; like you MWIL I just used to "do". However it was this that started the rejection. I got rejected so much that at some point I started feeling like I had to ask permission to touch him. It's probably maybe 80% of the time I ask, the rest I just go for it- and most of the time get rejected anyway.



Mom6547 said:


> Yes. Not all touch is yucky. I like to cuddle on the couch. But so often it means a funny pull to an arm or a crick to the neck... It just so happens that we have a terrible couch. His enveloping hugs feel restrictive to me. I am not sure if it is personality or flashback to past sexual assault.
> 
> I have to pay careful attention to his body when I am giving him drive by caresses and such. If I am not paying attention, I don't notice how nice he feels.
> 
> ...


I get you. I understand that my OH doesn't for whatever reason like the touch I give him. He has offered up some reasons, and I make a concerted effort NOT to bother him at these times. Occasionally I will notice a little effort on his part; a touch on the hip as he walks by, a kiss when he gets in, but these are few and far between. He just doesn't seem to have that need for physical proximity except for sex. I can't work out if he just used to tolerate it before, or if he did like it but has changed for whatever reason. When asked it seems to elude him that he DID used to initiate and like (or appear to like) giving and receiving affection.

He just seems so opposed to even trying. I can't work out why. I think he thinks he doesn't like it so shouldn't have to do it *shrugs*


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## Isaac222 (Mar 2, 2011)

tobio said:


> OH at worst physically removes me "from" him. I can't tell you how that makes me feel; like I am an obstacle to be overcome.


This guy is a jerk. Welcome to the rest of your life with him if that's how he's happy to continue...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Isaac222 said:


> This guy is a jerk. Welcome to the rest of your life with him if that's how he's happy to continue...


A little harsh.

Some people have an aversion to touching. Could be due to childhood abuse, sexual assault, touches that were not loving that came from family members - a whole host of reasons why some people are not touchy-feely.

It doesn't MEAN that they care less or love less. They have a hard time expressing their emotions through touch and tend to express it in some other fashion. For a spouse who desires physical touch, this seems like an affront to their ability to attract their spouse. But it doesn't always mean that their spouse is not attracted to them. They never learned to touch in love and/or learned that touching means something bad is about to happen.

Who we are as adults is formed early in childhood. The way we were taught to express love, receive love, what was good, what was bad. By the time we become adults, it's ingrained in our psyche and very hard to overcome.

In my particular case, touching - such as hugging, holding hands, putting his arm around me makes him feel physically bad. He equates those types of touches as not good - they feel bad to him and he has jerked away, pushed away, etc. He has explained to me that it's not me - it's how it makes him feel. He had a terrible childhood and I suspect a lot of it comes from his past.

Even when we're intimate, there is still not tight embraces and any type of touching that would indicate that he wanted to be closer physically other than the act of sex. This is how he has always been and I've worked within those boundaries and compromised. But - it has gotten worse since his TBI to where the intimacy became an issue too. This has been extremely hard to deal with - if you haven't experienced this , you have no idea. I'm still trying to figure out if I can accept this 'new version' of him or if it might be time for me to throw in the towel.

I don't know - I still struggle with this everyday. Can he be a jerk? Sure, so can I - but this physical touch issue is who he is, who he always was and the TBI has just magnified it ten-fold.

Isn't it strange that those that desire physical touch usually end up with someone who is just the opposite. I guess it's like they say - opposites attract.


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## airplane (Mar 15, 2011)

How about you try something different. Make a rule that both of you have to setup a date night every week for sex. And make like Thursday nights are date nights every week too. If the kids are a problem get a babysitter or farm them out to another couple for the evening. Don't let computers, cell phones, tv or anything else get in the way of those date nights.


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## Isaac222 (Mar 2, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> A little harsh.


I’ve read her other posts and some of yours. Excuse me for thinking some women deserve better than a guy who chooses to go out and get drunk over helping with the kids, some guy who treats you as nothing more than a c/mdumpster, or some guy who beats the living [email protected] out of the woman that loves him. I didn’t come here to say what you want to hear, it’s an advice forum and my advice is to think you’re worth better.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

airplane said:


> How about you try something different. Make a rule that both of you have to setup a date night every week for sex. And make like Thursday nights are date nights every week too. If the kids are a problem get a babysitter or farm them out to another couple for the evening. Don't let computers, cell phones, tv or anything else get in the way of those date nights.


I think a date night would be good. We have talked recently about going out together again once baby is old enough to sleep for a good stretch after going to bed. We haven't been out properly since before this last pregnancy barring a holiday we had together right before baby was born. We are lucky in that we have both sets of grandparents who are happy to babysit, it's just with baby being so young and his sleeping habits atm, I'd rather deal with that myself til it passes than put that stress onto others. Plus he's breastfed and I'm rubbish at expressing.

Having said that, I should say that up until VERY recently, there has been no problems with our sex life at all. And that's coming from both sides. It has been very good, and frequent. However I am now finding myself wanting to less because of this.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have stepped back a little. I have turned the thermostat down. The trouble is trying to be pleasant without being so giving but I'm getting it I think. We're having troubles also with his lack of effort with supporting me to catch up on sleep (again) so things are all tangled up together at the mo.

He offered to get me ice cream last night out of the blue, which I accepted. This is a way he tries to reach out to me, by doing little gestures he knows I like.

He called earlier to see how I was. He ase chatting about a situation regarding someone we know who stays with their partner because they can't afford the mortgage on their own. I made a throwaway comment about how there are "two things that keep people in a relationship when they don't want to be there, children and money." He paused; then asked, "are you trying to tell me something?" 

I realised what he was thinking and said no, just a general observation, but I did wonder if he might be questioning whether I'm happy or not (yes, he might just be realising!)

I was talking with my mother about it and surprised myself by saying I may have to seriously look at things if they continue as they are because I can't live without that contact for the rest of my life. Just saying it out loud without thinking about it made me realise I was at the stage of questioning things.

I guess at this point I just carry on with things being cooler and see how he responds- more because I don't know what else I CAN do.


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## Isaac222 (Mar 2, 2011)

tobio said:


> He offered to get me ice cream last night out of the blue, which I accepted. This is a way he tries to reach out to me, by doing little gestures he knows I like.


You can't build a future on ice cream. Seems as if this was his get-out-of-jail-free card in the past.


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## roddie123 (Mar 17, 2011)

I'm not liking the sound of this. Frankly, to me, when a man doesn't want to cuddle/snuggle it is a sign that something isn't right in the marriage.

For me: Before I married my husband I was known to be the most affectionate person around! I married a man I didn't know that well.....big mistake!

After we married I would show affection towards my husband, but just as soon as I did, he automatically assumed this was to lead to the bedroom!! No, NO, NO. I liked to give affection just to be affectionate......nothing more. If sometimes it led to the bedroom, well then ok, but not every single time I showed affection.

My husband is a sex addict and demands sex from me every single day, and if I don't comply, he is a real jerk.

I would love to show affection, but because I'm so resentful over the amount of sex that is demanded of me daily I refuse to be affectionate towards him in anyway.

With my husband any show of affection, means immediate sex.

My husbands accuses me of not being affectionate at all. I don't dare tell him why I'm not with him.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

roddie123, sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately I gather that it is the case for a LOT of men that a show of affection to them means the green light for sex or even though they know it's not necessarily affection as foreplay but just to convey love, they get turned on by it and is difficult to "handle" if it's not going further.

We have had a nice day today. We've been out and about for most of it. Unfortunately I haven't kept the thermostat on "cool" like I should have done. I snuggled into him earlier when we were sat together a couple of times, and the second time he did the same back. Later he was stood in the kitchen and I stood behind him and kinda hugged himn round his waist. He didn't reciprocate but he didn't pull away either.

I don't know if I'm noticing things because I feel super-sensitive at the mo, but he is developing a really irritating habit. He has always been less than subtle when checking out girls when we are out. He's not one for leering or anything like that, but it is noticeable when he is checking out a girl, looks twice when driving past someone, that sort of thing. I make comment now and again but usually turn the other way.

He has taken to passing comments on such girls now. "Look at the rack on that," "how tight are her jeans?", stuff like that. Sometimes I laugh and join in, but I notice myself feeling more and more sensitive and getting upset by it. Today I was waiting in the car with the little ones whilst he was went into the shop, he came out, got in, andtold me that there was a girl in there with a really short skirt on and big boobs. She was with her mum, and he said he totally got caught checking her out, he looked up and her mum was giving him a right old glare. I just looked at him astounded and said that I had no idea why he felt the need to tell me that. He had the decency to look embarrassed and said he had no idea either. It just gets better!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I have got to say that I don't believe there is such a thing as a sex addict. To me that's just someone who messes around and doesn't feel the need to be morally accountable. So they find a clinical excuse.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

:iagree:


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