# After all, Ilost my desire



## Moon_lover (Jan 6, 2010)

I'm 31, my wife is 28. we've been married for five years, with two kids. My problem now is that I nearly lost my desire. I used to have sex with my wife every other day in the first year or two of our marriage. In the first year she wasn't happy with our sex as she had nearly no orgasms during our intercourse, however, starting from our second year we became co-ordinated and she have at least 3-4 orgasms each time we have sex. As time goes, the rate of having sex decreases, we have it 2 times a week, sometimes 3. The problem is she was never happy about the how often we had it, she blamed me when we were having it every other day ( she said that I should be doing it daily) and now she is blaming me even more.
If she doesnot get the number of orgasms that satisfies her, she gets very angry and start yelling at me, so I avoid that by not having sex except when I'm not tired and feeling fit enough.
Gradually I feel that I'm not good at all at this thing and I try to avoid it, I feel that I do it under pressure rather than for pleasure---->less desire------>less sex----> more blaming and silly gestures every now and then------>less desire.
I even try to avoid touching her to avoid any sexuall consequences. I feel my marriage is fallin apart. any suggestions????


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

You sound like I think my wife feels sometimes  I don't yell or get mad though, in fact I stopped asking for sex altogether. But I do feel angry and extremely sexually frustrated most of the time. So it's strange listening to a guy with the shoe on the other foot. To be honest I'm not sure what I would do in your situation. I have never been lucky enough in my marriage where my wife wanted sex more then 3 times in a 1 week period and now I'm lucky to get it once a week. 

First, the yelling has got to stop. I'm not sure how you do that other then explaining that her reacting that was isn't exactly the best way to get you to please her (but I would avoid doing that in the heat of the moment; wait until a calm moment when you two can talk). 

As someone who is extremely unsatisfied in their sex life I have the opinion that is absolutely part of a spouse's responsibility to take care of a partner's sexual needs. As long as there isn't any crazy stuff involved (bondage, etc.) that you were never into when you first got together. Have you ever sat down and asked what she wants and what would make her happy? How much sex does she want, how long does she want it to last, how many orgasms does she want to have? 

What about incorporating a vibrator into your sex play. If you don't want to have sex every day how about using some toys instead sometimes? How long does it take for her to be satisfied with a session? You have kids so I understand there may not be an hour every night available but what if you could agree to a few 'regular' sessions every week and maybe a couple quickie sessions with a vibrator, dildo or other toy. Even if you're not having sex with her when you use the sex toys, having you there to kiss her, play with her breast and touch her could be plenty to satisfy her. And if you're having sex and she doesn't get as many orgasms as she wants then pull out some toys to finish her off. 

I don't know what your wife is feeling but like you my wife will sometimes avoid touching me in any intimate ways or kissing me because she knows it will turn me on and I'll want sex. But I can tell you that having a wife that rejects you makes you feel rejected, unattractive, frustrated and angry. In my head I feel like the effort would be so minimal, why is it so hard to take 20minutes to satisfy my sexual needs and make me happy? She loves me, shows me love in many ways and we have a good relationship overall but just isn't into sex like I am so I have to live without it. Again, I don't know if your wife is feeling the same thing but just a different perspective. It may not be just about having an O (which of course is a big part of it) but also feeling that intimacy and closeness.


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## Lumpy (Jan 6, 2010)

for me i dont get the O every time but when he gets his he done and im sittin there still hot and he does nothing about it. most of the time ill let him off about me not getting it, but when i go weeks without it i get frustrated and yell, so maybe your wife feels the same. although not all women are the same on that subject. men are not the only ones who need to be pleased. wish my bf would think the same


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## Moon_lover (Jan 6, 2010)

thx guys, That was helpful. wish me goodluck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I so agree with Mike1 -- excellent. But I wonder Moon Lover, are you sure you have "lost desire" or is this more "Performance Pressure" related? Do you take care of yourself when she is not around, when it is less stressful ? If so, your Libito is fine anyway, but you NEED to get past these relational issues to feel desire for her again. This would be a normal reaction to your dilemma. 

I am similar to your wife here, and my criticism (but not yelling) HAS led to performance pressure with my husband, but not lack of desire (or so he says, I questioned this quite a bit & stressed him & myself out). There have been times where I have picked fights with him, and as a result he was clearly NOT in the mood, nor could get that way, but I was adament to have sex that night (in my mind, not telling him) and 9 times out of 10, when we made up-fully explored our hurt feelings & forgiven each other, it happened that night, it was not forced -and everything was wonderful. 

SO it does matter tremendously that you and her get fully over what is bothering you, how you feel, what you need from Her, what she needs from you, come to some understanding. And let her talk it out also- without yelling of coarse. She must see how hurtful that is to you. 

We try to never let the sun go down on our anger, so to speak, so their is always an opportunity for love making in the morning. 

Do you feel that IF she acknowledged your pain and was more understanding, and expressed her love for you --that THIS would again bring you back to her , wanting her ? I know this is what my husband needed from me.


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## Ammo Can (Jan 7, 2010)

I can say I have experienced both sides of the issue there is hope for you. When my wife and I were dating she was game for anything. She never said no and neither did I. 

That changes early on in our marriage. I still desired her and wanted to be intimate with her all the time. She was considerably less interested than I was. As this wore I and I started to feel more hurt and rejected I eventually quit asking and ignored my own sex drive. Throw in her rejection and other problems we were having and I had no desire to be intimate with her. At the time I felt liberated. I was happy I did not need sex.

This went on for a few years and the issue basically died. Until...she got around 30 and she had a huge jump in her drive. She was very frustrated with me and my lack of desire for her. Also, she always had to be drunk to initiate so that just me things worse. I still don't get that. We worked it out and she initiated more often sober than drunk. I still had resentment and it was hard to meet her needs but I did try. Every few months she would tell me that we did not have sex enough and I needed to be more willing. The truth is my desire was gone. All the rejection took its toll and I was just not interested.

I really wanted our marriage to work and I started to research the reasons the physical reasons for my poor libido. I was living very unhealthy and needed to get in shape. Marriage had made me to comfortable. Throw my poor physical and mental desire together and sex was just not important to me.

I had to change. I had to want my wife again. I got serious about working out and eating healthy. My wife started working out with me as well. Boy did things change quickly. I got my desire back. I felt better. She looked better from working and that really helped a lot as well. I have stuck to the program and we keep getting results. I look better to her and she looks better to me and we have sex almost everyday and sometimes 3 -4 times a day.


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