# help me. please.



## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

am married. It'll be a year pretty soon, and something has gone wrong. I don't even really know what it is. We both work a lot, and I actually changed my work schedule so I'd be able to see him more often. Except then, he joined a gym, got a personal trainer (without talking to me about it first and those are expensive) and started taking night classes to earn his degree.

So this is what is happening. It started about a month ago, and I told him, i'm just not all that happy right now. We need to make some changes. He reacted alright to that. He was distraught that I wasn't happy, but he started making changes and so did i. Everything i thought was improving. Until he went to visit some family in another state. Shortly after he returned we got into an argument, and i honestly don't even know what it was about, but he started screaming in my face to get out, and leave. He wouldn't let me say anything. I never raised my voice and he was just screaming at me. He didn't speak to me for two days.

After that we talked, and i really thought that once again, things were getting better. We were communicating well and then we went on vacation with my family... when we returned home I was on FB and noticed there was a new picture of him tagged. When i clicked on it my heart dropped. He was in a bar, (when he was visiting his family in the other state) without his wedding ring on. In his defense, when he is at work he doesn't wear it, but attaches it to his watch, and also when he is in the field (he's a solider). I understand that. What i don't understand was his excuse. He tried to tell me it was just habit and it was on his watch band, but you can see the watch band and pictures of him from earlier in the day showed it was on his finger.

Then a few days later we were talking and he had his cell phone out and was messing around on it. I saw just the corner of a text to another woman. When he got up to get in the shower i took his phone and openly looked through it. There were texts to this other woman where he was quoting dirty lines from movies, and he also said, "i love you" twice to her.
Naturally i confronted him, and naturally he had excuses saying it was movie quotes and that he was just really good friends with her. Except that my husband doesn't say i love you easily. And to think that he's that close with another woman and never mentioned her to me before... well that was bothersome.

I am suspicious of everything he does now. He has a "good friend" (male) whom he enjoys spending time with, but i'm not ALLOWED to meet him. i've asked several times and the answer is always no. just no.

So we don't see each other often at all. We go days without seeing each other actually. And it drives me crazy. I am an emotional wreck and it drives me crazy. At this point i question everything he says he is doing. For example, three days a week he goes straight from work to the gym to school. Except yesterday he didn't go to the gym, but he didn't come home for those 2 hours either. And today, he's said he's not going to the gym, but he doesn't think he'll be able to come home before class.

I love this man with all of my heart and i want to be able to trust him. But right now, i don't. Not to mention he stays up late texting, with supposedly this friend i'm not allowed to meet. He is so secretive. Today i was checking my e-mail and it logged in to his on accident. I was looking for an e-mail that i had sent to a friend of mine because i wanted to forward it to someone else, and so i clicked on sent mail, that's when i realized it wasn't my inbox, but my husbands. Except that the last message it showed him sending was to an e-mail address i don't know, but it had the same initials as the woman that he was texting. It was a picture of himself when he was on deployment (his favorite picture of himself) and two very personal poems that he had written when he got back. I was under the impression that i was the only other person he let read them, but apparently not. The text of the e-mail said, "i thought you'd like this picture"

i don't know what is going on. I want him to be faithful. But here's the other thing. there is NO sex. NONE. we've been married for almost a year and we've probably had sex MAYBE 20 times. i have no idea what's going on. I don't think like a man, i don't speak man, and right now i'm too tired and hurt to try and figure it out anymore.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

He's cheating emotional yes, physical mabye, but now is not the time to be weak and tired. Now is the time to show him confidence in your self and the perception that you can walk away.

See folks want what they can't have, so if you get him to believe that you are confident in moving on and you have it with in your self to really do it then there is some chance that he will get it. There is also a good chance that he will call your bluff and then for sure will need to move on...most likely he will chace you once he sees your serious.

Point is man up girl and show him you are a strong and confident women who can move on and will only tolorate good thing in her life and knows for sure that you can find happiness with out him.

It's all about additude, you have empowered him and he knows he has the control. show him other wise, don't tell him but show him a confident women that will take her power back and make the changes for your self not for him. Again people want what they believe they will loose or can't have.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

To summarize what the guy is telling you, make plans to move on and think hard about it. What are you steps if that became the case? Don't fall apart with him and pursue him. Talk to him once you have your plan and tell him "I can't stand by and wait for you to want me. You've become secretive, distant and don't even want me sexually. I've made plans to move on, here they are. I thought you deserved one last chance to open up and be honest with me. if you can't do it, we will separate and I'll file. I can't be in a dishonest and loveless marriage with someone who doesn't want me.


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Oh and be prepared with a list of things you need from him to keep going like transparency, honesty, you alone as his confidant, etc. Stick to these boundaries like glue if he says he wants to work it out.


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## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

I am absolutely terrified of this whole situation. I want to blink and let it be over. I have talked and talked and talked to my husband. It's to the point where he just says i'm done with this conversation. I am completely torn. Part of me knows that this is so completely unhealthy and i have lost 15 pounds in the past two weeks due to stress, however part of me is also thinking about the fact that my husband is the only man i have ever been with and the only man that i have ever loved like this. I don't know how to even begin to tell him to change or i'm gone. it's terrifying.


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## baseballmom (May 1, 2011)

If you have only been married going on a year my advice would be to get out while it is still early and you have no children. I have been married for almost 9 years together 10 to my stbxh who's in the Marine Corps and we have 2 kids. He is doing everything that your husband is doing and still denies everything to this day!


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## 8yearscheating (Oct 14, 2010)

Take the step! It will either work out for the best or it won't. In either case it can't go on and have yourself self destruct. Take YOUR life back!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Find out who the woman is. My bet is he's cheating on you.
Did he say where he went when he lied about going to the gym?If you can put a VAR (voice activated recorder) in his car, do it and then play it back to hear. 

Everything he is doing pings my spidey senses. That is weird he won't let you meet his guy friend. Have you ever actually seen the guy friend before? If not, it could be the guy is actually the girl he's texting "I love you" to. I have no male friends who text me they love me. Something is def up.

You are only one year in. If you find he's cheating and lying to you about it, I'd advise you to leave.


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## soldierswife (Jun 14, 2011)

i'd actually already made an appointment to get checked. this is all very incredibly hard to read. I HAVE seen the guy he hangs out with. and he actually goes to the gym... he has a personal trainer that calls me whenever he misses an appointment.


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## MrDude (Jun 21, 2010)

What is your gut telling you? Don't think about it, just go with it.

When he says he is going to the gym, tell him your will meet him there and you can workout together, DO NOT ASK!!!

I know military pay is not that much but if you have no way of gathering information on your own, hire a private eye.

From what you have posted I would bet he is cheating. Only having sex 20 times in a year...THE FIRST YEAR...somethings wrong.


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## The Judge (Jun 21, 2011)

I am afraid I must agree with everyone's posts. This smacks of his cheating on you as so many of the clues are unmistakable. The gym is also a reason for him to be able to take a shower before he comes home to you so you won't smell any other woman's perfume on him. Also, protect yourself, gather all electronic proof you can before you confront him with your plan. Even though my husband and I have reconciled, I still have all the email proof I need tucked away very securely just in case he ever cheats on me again.


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## YoungMommy23 (Jun 22, 2011)

Im sorry to say it sounds quite bad!
GOOD NEWS: you have support from all of us on here.
I had something similar go on between my husband and I, I was an enabler, i let him get away with things.
Its now stopped. You need to be strong, YOU are the most important thing, you need to be confident in yourself, instead of focusing on your negatives, inhance your positives. Give him an option, to work on it or to get out. if he decides to go, he wasnt worth it any way. You deserve a man who is a partner in your relationship, treats you how you deserve to be treated, and some one you can trust. Take care


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