# Men, do you ever withhold sex?



## thatgirl23 (Jul 21, 2012)

So glad I found this site, and hoping someone can help shed some light on this.... 

My husband & I have been together 3 years (dated 2, married 1); he's 38, I'm 32. I'm reasonably attractive, keep myself in good shape, and am still able to turn heads walking down the street. 

I also love sex; specifically, sex with my husband. I truly enjoy giving him oral sex, to the point where there was a time when most mornings I would wake him up with a bj. It got to the point where he actually told me I was satisfying him *too* much; that I wasnt giving him a chance to "want me" later on in the day, when I would get him off in the morning.

My husband used to be extremely physically affectionate with me--touching me, stroking me--and I've always been that way with him. I still love touching him, and do so often; I make it a point to tell him how attractive he is to me. 
Except, I never get the same from him. In the past 3 months, Ive gotten 2 compliments. He tells me "If I didnt think you were attractive, I wouldnt be with you", and expects it to be enough for me. Well, yes, I get that logic, but still! A compliment here & there is not so outlandish a thing to hope for, is it?
When I try to talk to him about it, he tells me "He knows what my boobs look like by now, so he doesnt feel the need to remark on them", etc. Well, yes--I know what every inch of him looks like, as well. My husband has a particuarly nice backside, I know what it looks like after 3 years; but I still tell him how much I love his *ss! 

And for the past few months, he's barely touched me. He stays up at night watching tv, to avoid coming to bed with me. The reasons he gives for not wanting to have sex with me? He doesnt want to "get all sweaty", or he doesnt want to put the effort it, or that he "feels pressured" by me, which makes him dig his heels in. When we do have sex, it feels more like a "pity ****" he feels obligated to throw my way.

I try telling myself he's stressed, tired, etc etc. Try to look at other things he does for me, as evidence that he still loves me, wants me, is attracted to me. But I also can't help but wonder, if his lack of sex drive with me, means he's getting it somewhere else? Or if its true, if I really had been satisfying him "too much"? Or...if its possible that I gave him so much sex--initiated it too much, was too receptive, etc--that he just...lost interest in me?


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## eyeballjr (Jul 15, 2012)

It's a possibility that he is burt out, i've been there before. It doesn't take that long to get unburt though LOL It's like the challenge is gone, and you know it's going to be there when you want it. Best thing i can think of is get crazy with it, make it were it isn't just in the bedroom, make it something new everytime.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Being a male and the HD spouse, I rarely withold sex from my wife, and sadly, the handful of times that I have was to make a point and let her see how it felt to be refused.

Physically, I would have to be pretty bad off (really sick, injured, incapable of a hard-on) before I would refuse.

I would advise your husband to get checked out by his doctor. He is about the age when his testosterone levels may be low, or perhaps another medical issue is contributing to his disinterest.

Is he in good shape, not overweight, or depressed, etc.?

Many times if men are low T, or having some ED issues, they will avoid sex for fear of not being able to perform. Then there is always the porn question, which is extremely common on this forum.


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## thatgirl23 (Jul 21, 2012)

Yes, Ive also been wondering if perhaps low T levels might not have something to do with it, as well. 

He's not a physically active as he used to be, and has put on a couple of lbs. This bothers him much, much more than it does me. (To be honest, I like him with a few more lbs on him!) 

However, I also know that he doesnt feel his best & isnt completely happy with himself. I try to encouraging & supporting him to be more active, letting him know I'd like to go biking with him, or dancing (two things he loves, or at least used to). At the same time, he can also be quite stubborn, so I hesitate to encourage him *too* much, for fear of sounding like Im nagging him. 
Ive also brought up the topic of it being time for him to get a physical; and its something he's said himself. 

Only..... he just won't *do* anything about any of it! He complains like a woman about needing to lose weight (and completely flips out if I ask how I look in something); but he wont make any steps to eat better or get more physical activity. 
He tells me he felt "pressured" for sex, so I backed off, and now we have none. 

I'm following all the leads he gives me, everything he "says" wants (or doesn't). Except he gives me such mixed messages on what those things are.... I dont know what else to do.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You have my name....  lol.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Sounds like a bit of light exercise may help to begin with. Perhaps something you can do together. Like going for a walk etc. something that is physical without the gym if you see what I'm getting at.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Have him get a regular blood test at the doctor and have his T levels checked. If its low, he will be placed on HRT and feel like 18 again. He'll want to go to the gym and have sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatgirl23 (Jul 21, 2012)

Thank you all for the advice; and most of all, for taking me seriously. I can't tell you how this has started making me second-guess myself sometimes. I know he's been stressed, I can *tell* he hasnt' been himself; and yet he keeps denying it, etc. 

Now if I can just ask one more question.... How can I actually get him to go for his physical, and to get the bloodwork done? The man is stubborn as all get-out. I've suggested it a couple of times, and he agrees he needs to go, but he never follows through. If I would try to make an appt for him, he'll freak out about it & accuse me of "trying to control him/his schedule". 

Any suggestions on helpful phrasing, lol?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

perhaps his comment:

"It got to the point where he actually told me I was satisfying him *too* much; that I wasnt giving him a chance to "want me" later on in the day" is a clue?

I think deep down most men want to be the sexual aggressor. while attention and displays of desire along with some initiating from the wife is a good thing, i believe that balance in that department is ideal. perhaps if you back off the aggression somewhat that might improve things. send him signals but dont pressure. try to slowly balance who the agressor is, try to do without sex a little more.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

One suggestion I have heard to get a stubborn hisband to the doctor is to ask him if his life insurance policy is enough to cover expenses, and if not, he will need to get a physical to increase his life insurance payout.

You may also approach him from the standpoint of being very concerned about his health, you want him to be around so you can grow old together, pluck his heart strings.

Or just make the appointment for him, and tell him you already paid for it.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

there's a difference between 'withholding' and 'don't want it'.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Runs like Dog said:


> there's a difference between 'withholding' and 'don't want it'.


:iagree:

It seems your hubby is just not in the mood for some reason. Withholding is more along the lines that he is would have sex with you but he is mad about something you did and decide that he will not.

Personally i don't remember ever "withholding" sex. 



> Or...if its possible that I gave him so much sex--initiated it too much, was too receptive, etc--that he just...lost interest in me?


Maybe... Most men like to chase a bit. Be sexy and don't throw yourself at him for a while.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

What a lucky guy.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As for compliments, he probably feels that they come across as insincere if not truly authentic, he needs to be told that it doesn't always have to be new and creative, just a simple acknowledgment. As for the sex, maybe you just need to turn down the temp a little and give him a chance to fan the flames.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you further want to learn about Testosterone & Its effects...here is a thread with alot of valuable info, it was my yaking about how my husband couldn't keep up with me & how I sent him to get his Test checked... that caught some's attention -that Hey... maybe I need to get this Checked too. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/19213-dealing-low-testosterone-hypogonadism.html


How to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally

Yeah, as men grow older , they loose a little TEST every year.... It effects some worse than others...My husband was never very high to begin with I believe, never the aggressive type ...or so sex antsy he was going out of his mind....... his decline was very steady I am sure.....(which is OK generally)...but if you have a man who was HIGH TEST, and his numbers DROP like 300 points or more in a short period of time--he is going to have some undesirable symptoms....like brain Fog, depression, those antsy sexual lust feelings will be lost -even if he hasn't had sex in days...he may struggle with erections... I've read a few books on Test/Hormones effects....


This especially sucks as the woman's drive goes UP as she ages ...... my drive was way beyond my husbands for a time... But he never rejected me. This is so not the norm from all the reading I have done on this forum.... I even gave him some "Performance Pressure" (nights in a row were more difficult)....mornings never a problem -this is when their Test is higher. I would think mornings would be your best shot...... 

We did work together to overcome the Performance Pressure. I bought this book (who needs a Sex therapist -it's all in here!)...and learned about "Sensate Focus" exercises ...specifically for this ...and it did help...(if he is willing)

Sexual Healing: The Complete Guide to Overcoming Common Sexual Problems  

But during that time...It was like one of 3 things going on in my mind....

1. he doesn't desire me anymore (which really saddened me , he kept telling me this wasn't the case, it even made him )

2. He has a problem (might need Test Therapy)

3. Performance Pressure. 

It was pretty much #3 (most men take this REALLY hard, it freaks them out & some stop cold -because they don't want to keep going down that same path, it is humiliating)...which is really hard on the wife -cause we take it so personally. A little Viagra can save the night....we learned even if you split a 50 mg into 4's, it still gives a boost, so we took advantage of that too. 


I did send mine to the Encronologist for a Full work up...we learned his levels are on the lower end of NORMAL. At age 45, the Encron told me he has levels for "common" for a man in his 60's!! That comment worried me for months. But he was Ok, he didn't need anything. 

So you never know. Mine never cared about a "chase", he doesn't get bored like that, it was ALWAYS and forever about the "emotional connection" between us...so in this way, It was a blessing as he was always up for it --seeing what we can get to happen no matter what. 

It is disheartening to have your guy rejecting you though ... trying to maze through this is very difficult on women.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I had a very similar problem with the missus in the past, and yes we men at times can have TOO MUCH sex. The missus used to demand it 3x a day and it didn't just feel like lovemaking anymore, it was routine rape lest WW3 begins.

Listen to your husband, you're simply not giving him enough space. Back off a bit and see how he'll naturally come back to you


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## joshbjoshb (Jul 11, 2011)

Women might withhold sex. Especially those who thinks that this is a favor for their husband, so they will "punish" them for bad behavior and reward them for good one.

Men never do. They either want it then they go for it, or they don't want it. They don't try to punish you, really.

If your husband is not interested, there is a huge issue here. Personally I think it's the fact you are always touching him, perhaps he really needs space from you. Also, maybe he thinks that all you want - and see in him - is sex, which makes him even more not interested.

Try to focus on his areas of interest, show him that you can have a nice, long conversation without even touching him once, and see how it goes.


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

The only times I said no when my STBXW initiated was when I was sick..I never said no to her when she initiated..She did it so infrequent that it always came off as more of a suprise..

If I didn't initiate, we wouldn't have sex..for the most part.


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## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

thatgirl23 said:


> So glad I found this site, and hoping someone can help shed some light on this....
> 
> My husband & I have been together 3 years (dated 2, married 1); he's 38, I'm 32. I'm reasonably attractive, keep myself in good shape, and am still able to turn heads walking down the street.
> 
> ...


It is not possible for me to withhold sex, since she has not initiated in 10+ years. A always initiate. If I wait for her to initiate, I think we wouldn't have sex for years.

I wish my wife was more like you.


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## Jimbob82 (Jun 29, 2012)

Agree with above poster, I'd be the initiator almost exclusively. Ironically, the last time my wife was super horny and wanted it 4 days in a row, I couldn't properly rise to the occasion as I was getting over a viral infection, although she got plenty oral and hand fun off me! Now that I am ok and can get hard anytime, anywhere, has typically co-incided with our (I.e her) most barren run ever where I can't actually envisage the next time we will make love, its like having the keys to a Ferrari but you're not allowed to drive it or even touch it..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Turning mine down right now. But my situation is complicated. 

I would say his low-drive could be due to low-testosterone levels. Which, he is 38, so his age is probably starting to catch up with him. He may be experiencing some early Low-T.
Something a doctor can fix. 

There are also outside factors to consider:
When I was in my early 20's, like 22, 23, 24, I had a bunch of stress to deal with. I had girlfriends, but I never had the energy for sex. I worked probably 80-90 hour weeks. I had no energy left for sex except maybe once a month. Stress will kill the sex drive. 


Also, could be medication. I've taken some things that have literally killed my sex drive while on it. If he has started some new medication, he could be having problems with that. 



One thing my stbw use to do was buy a herb called Horny Goat Weed (you can probably guess what it does), and would occassionally spike my drinks at dinner with it. If my drive was down, she knew exactly how to fix it. 
Just an idea...


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## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Juicer said:


> I had girlfriends, but I never had the energy for sex. I worked probably 80-90 hour weeks. I had no energy left for sex except maybe once a month. Stress will kill the sex drive.


I have an extremely high sex drive...I've always been that way since puberty..I can be ready to go at a moment's notice. Any time, any place, any way. No problems maintaining or getting up..A gentle breeze gets me going..I think about a girl I like and its off to the races..seriously..

I could be tired as hell, sleeping or stressed to the max...you want to have sex? sure, lets go...less than 5 minutes after, I'm ready to go again..insatiable appetite for sex....THE ONLY...ONLY time I'm not 100% up for it, is when I'm really sick...and then I'm only half up for it..

Now if I could only find a woman with the same drive...and that initiates...As a guy, I have to say..*NOTHING...NOTHING is a bigger turn on, then when a woman you desire is showing her desire for you...*


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