# TAM success story but still "unloved" - Craving the "L" word



## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Hi everyone,

It's been awhile since I've been here. I guess I'm what might be considered a TAM success story. Managed to turn my marriage around (with help from you guys) after a 6 yr completely sexless spell and getting the old ILYBINILWY speech. Sex has cooled slightly from the 5 days/wk at the beginning of our reconciliation to a very regular 2-3 x's per week with him initiating about half the time. I'd like 4-5 x's per week but I'm OK with what we have now. He's attentive, does chores around the house without being asked and gropes me multiple times a day.:smthumbup: We are better to each other and I've learned to change (or significantly curb) behaviors that drive him away. And I've learned what sort of behaviors bring him closer to me. It's been a year and a half since we started having sex again and rediscovering each other.

Great right? Well, he has yet to tell me he loves me. :scratchhead: And I don't tell him anymore because he doesn't respond in kind, and it just makes me feel like crap when he doesn't. Why do I feel this intense need to have him verbalize it? And why won't he? Part of me wants to just come out and ask point blank if he loves me.

Or do I just need to get over this and be happy that I have an sexy, attentive husband who's actions seem to say that he does love me again? It's just a word after all.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

My wife and I also reconciled. She didn't say I love you for 2.5 years. I, like you, quit saying it also. Kind of hard to get a blank look back. I relied more on her actions to determine that she did in fact love me again. Even when we began to say it to each other again it was awkward for a while. Do you two speak the same love language?


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## unloved (Feb 17, 2010)

Amplexor said:


> My wife and I also reconciled. She didn't say I love you for 2.5 years. I, like you, quit saying it also. Kind of hard to get a blank look back. I relied more on her actions to determine that she did in fact love me again. Even when we began to say it to each other again it was awkward for a while. Do you two speak the same love language?


Thanks for sharing your experience. I guess I just need to give it time. It took almost 8 years to get to the broken, almost-divorced place we were at a year and a half ago. Our marriage didn't die overnight, I guess it needs time to recover fully.

As far as love languages, I am Words (and Touch) and he is Acts (and Touch). I've learned to speak his "language" and it's definitely helped. He, on the other hand, still thinks his language is my language. While I appreciate help with the housework, it more often than not makes me feel guilty rather than loved. I know that's not his intention, so I take it for what it is. Luckily, we are both in synch with one of our love languages (touch).

I'm happier than I've been in a long time, so I shouldn't let this one thing bring me down. I'll just keep on doing what I've been doing and give it more time.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

unloved said:


> While I appreciate help with the housework, it more often than not makes me feel guilty rather than loved. I know that's not his intention, so I take it for what it is.


That's very interesting as we had the same issue. Even though we are dual income, if I did too much she felt I was usurping her place as wife/mother. It made her feel guilty while at the same time I felt I was being good husband. I think many men fall into this one. It turned out to be one of our core issues as we didn't understand each other's love language.


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