# How to encourage sex appeal?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

For almost a year now I've been quite patient with my girlfriend. We were first together as friends and then friends with benefits before we got more serious. She's always been beautiful and attractive but... there's almost been something missing. Sex appeal. She has her "good girl" charm sure but for some reason I'm losing interest in it, I find myself being attracted elsewhere, to women in high heels and to women who know how to carry themselves well, even if they aren't even as pretty or hot as my girlfriend. In the brief moments that my girlfriend wears heels or gives me that stunning look with her eyes or subconsciously does a sexy pose that seems so rare... but it just reminds me of her potential.

I find myself being dissatisfied with her, and even guilty for feeling this way. I don't know what to say or even how to encourage her to "be more sexy", I never had this problem before as previous partners made me sing this song:






But girlfriend...  What to do?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> For almost a year now I've been quite patient with my girlfriend. We were first together as friends and then friends with benefits before we got more serious. She's always been beautiful and attractive but... there's almost been something missing. Sex appeal. She has her "good girl" charm sure but for some reason I'm losing interest in it, I find myself being attracted elsewhere, to women in high heels and to women who know how to carry themselves well, even if they aren't even as pretty or hot as my girlfriend. In the brief moments that my girlfriend wears heels or gives me that stunning look with her eyes or subconsciously does a sexy pose that seems so rare... but it just reminds me of her potential.
> 
> I find myself being dissatisfied with her, and even guilty for feeling this way. I don't know what to say or even how to encourage her to "be more sexy", I never had this problem before as previous partners made me sing this song:
> 
> ...


If you want your girlfriend or any future girlfriend to dress in sexy dresses with high heels,with hair and makeup perfect then there are a few things YOU-have to be doing.
Are you bringing her to places that she feels the need to dress up for,the local burger and beer joint probably isn't going to cut it.Try bringing her to nice restaurants or if funds are tight go to gallery openings or fashion shows.
Do you make the effort yourself,are you fit,do you wear decent clothes (That fit properly).No point expecting her to dress like a runway model if you are in jeans and a tshirt.
As for sex appeal,don't push this one my friend.You seem a little insecure to me and if your gf starts being too sexy you will be back here complaining about her flirting with other guys.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Andy above made some really good points. In a past relationship, I had an ex who really took my sexy to another level. He constantly told me how sexy I was, wouldn't keep his hands off me, he would let me catch him staring at my body, he'd randomly surprise me and take me out to fancy events/restaurants, he accompanied me when I went shopping and would treat me by taking me lingerie shopping. I always considered myself sexy but he really made me feel incredibly desirable. I always wanted to look my absolute best no matter where he took me.

That being said, it's important to clarify whether this is your gf's style. Perhaps she prefers to be a more casual woman. How have you communicated your interest in her upping her sex appeal? What has been her response in the past?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

Mentally, as a fwb you found her hot enough to be your "thing". As your gf, you may not be mature enough to satisfy her relationship needs. It might be you, not her. 


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you want her to have more sex appeal most of the time, or just in the bedroom or for occasional dates? That just isn't the style of some women, so it may not work to expect her to change that way.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Sex appeal starts with your communication and interaction with each other! Compliment her, even if you only see some minor vestige of sexiness in her!

After all, compliments from the heart go a very long way!*


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Dude, in another thread I was just reading, you were complaining about dressing up and how that made you feel. 

Just sayin'

Sounds to me like you should just let her go, so you can both be who you are and without constantly trying to make each other over into someone else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RandomDude said:


> For almost a year now I've been quite patient with my girlfriend. We were first together as friends and then friends with benefits before we got more serious. _*She's always been beautiful and attractive but... there's almost been something missing. Sex appeal. *_She has her "good girl" charm sure but for some reason I'm losing interest in it, *I find myself being attracted elsewhere*, to women in high heels and to women who know how to carry themselves well, even if they aren't even as pretty or hot as my girlfriend. In the brief moments that my girlfriend wears heels or gives me that stunning look with her eyes or subconsciously does a sexy pose that seems so rare... but it just reminds me of her potential.
> 
> *I find myself being dissatisfied with her, and even guilty* for feeling this way. I don't know what to say or even how to encourage her to "be more sexy", I never had this problem before.....  What to do?


You have gotten lots of good suggestions for stepping up your game and for doing things to make her feel sexy.

I have a few suggestions for you. First, you have absolutely no right to try to change her. Only she can change herself and then only if she wants to. If your dislike of her is so much and she doesn't change then leave her and move on. My feeling is that you don't want that. You might be suffering a little from the Madonna/Wh#re complex. You might feel she is "good girl marriage material" but want the wild child sexual tiger in bed. You should really look at yourself and not her. Do you need her to dress sexy so that you will have "eye candy" on your arm when you go out in public? Do you need her to dress sexy so that she puts you in a state of arousal by your just looking at her? Why do you want her to be more "sexy?" Is it really something about you? What is it that you are looking for and why? You need to figure yourself out first before your really talk to her about this.

One of the things that my wife has told me when I asked her to dress extra sexy, is that I didn't marry a sl*t, so don't expect her to dress like one. What is it the caused this woman to move from the friend zone into the girlfriend/serious-lover zone? 

Now, once you have figured out yourself, then you can talk to her. I would suggest that you ask her if the two of you can do some roll playing. Maybe start just at home in the privacy of your own home. Ask her about her fantasies. Assuming you just want her to dress sexy in private and not desire admiration for having eye candy on your arm. Unfortunately, a lot of guys like trophy wives/girlfriends to increase their sense of self-worth.

Then maybe she might want you to be her pirate and she you wench and servant girl or the royal lady you have captured. Her costume might be as naughty as you want and you as bad-boy and she wants. Maybe she can pretend to be your belly dancer or stripper or something else. Remember it is all up to her and her boundaries. That will get you the sexy visual image you seem to want (at least you say you want at home), but allow her to be the "good girl" she wants in public. Maybe she will take it outside the home, at a costume party or maybe she would be willing in a roll playing situation to play the part of the tramp you pick up in a bar. It is really up to her and her boundaries.

My personal suspicion is that this is much more about you than her.

Another suggestion is that you save up and splurge if you really want this. Buy her a day at a spa for a full treatment, massage, makeup, pedicure and hair styling, then take her out on the town. Alternately, tell her you would like to buy her some lingerie and clothes of her choosing that make her feel sexy and cherished for a special date night.

Good luck.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

There is a big difference in a woman dressing sexily and a woman having sex appeal imo.Some women can look like a real plain Jane unless they decide to "dress up" but you as her partner know the beautiful woman inside.If this is what you meant in your original post then I think you both are mismatched.Nothing wrong with that but as I said in an earlier post you have to make the effort as well as her.
Sex appeal is something different.I am thinking about women but it equally applies to men.Some women can work in a coal mine all day and still look sexy beyond belief.Think about women athletes who have just finished a long race or field event, the sweat is pouring off them,they are panting with exhaustion but some of them still look unbelievable.This is sex appeal and you either have it or you don't.
The problem with sex appeal is if the guy,in this case you, is in any way insecure.If you walk into a restaurant or bar and half the men openly ogle your girlfriend then you need to be sure what you are bringing to the table matches what she brings.
Be careful what you wish for because you just might get more than you can handle.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

You want to "encourage" sex appeal? Sex appeal is there or it isn't. 

I get that your relationship started out as "friends with benefits" so there was sex from the beginning. Clearly, you would claim there must have been sex appeal, and now, you're losing it. I disagree.

Your relationship with this girl has under emphasized the non-physical aspects of sexiness; sex appeal is more than looks, believe it or not. A girl's charm, her personality, how she treats others, her aspirations and dreams, are all super sexy. You don't seem attracted to your woman on these levels, and from your post, you seem focused on looks in a very shallow way.

High heels aren't everything, my friend. I'm married to a high-powered career woman who dresses up for work and struts around in her heels all of the time. She's super hot (physically speaking), right up until I overhear her phone conversation with customer service people where she cusses at them, insults them, and generally treats them like garbage. That's a BIG turnoff, along with a dozen more things that she does. 

Give me a nice "plain Jane" gal with manners, dreams, and a heart for people, and that'll be way more sexy than narcissism in high heels and a dress.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm very secure with who I am, and I'm not an average joe, saying that as humbly as I can. I have alot of options, and finding difficulties dealing with temptations. This is why I want her to "up" her sex appeal, she's got it but she doesn't use it!  

I hate being attracted to other people! I don't have time for that, yet my body dictates attraction to those who my mind does not want to be attracted to.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I'm very secure with who I am, and I'm not an average joe, saying that as humbly as I can. I have alot of options, and finding difficulties dealing with temptations. This is why I want her to "up" her sex appeal, she's got it but she doesn't use it!
> 
> I hate being attracted to other people! I don't have time for that, yet my body dictates attraction to those who my mind does not want to be attracted to.


Buddy come down off the cross,martyrdom is not a spectator sport.If you feel you can do better than your gf then by all means sow your wild oats,nobody is trying to talk you out of it.At least have the decency to break up with her first,she doesn't deserve to be plan b and you don't need the guilt trip that comes with cheating on someone you supposedly love.
One piece of advice though.Any girl that wants a ons can get one,guaranteed.There is not a man alive that can say the same thing.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You've often talked about your ex on here, and imho, until you're totally over your ex, you'll continue making excuses why every gf you have isn't ''good enough.'' Just a guess, but it seems like you sabotage your relationships that are going well, and my guess is...because your heart still isn't over your ex.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> I'm very secure with who I am, and I'm not an average joe, saying that as humbly as I can. I have alot of options, and finding difficulties dealing with temptations. This is why I want her to "up" her sex appeal, she's got it but she doesn't use it!
> 
> I hate being attracted to other people! I don't have time for that, yet my body dictates attraction to those who my mind does not want to be attracted to.


You're never content RandomDude which has little to do with how many options you have. You need a problem to solve whether it's there or not. This trait has likely been an advantage and helped you succeed in many aspects of life but it's an anchor where love is concerned. If this girl you're not satisfied with up and leaves you then you'll be crazy thinking how perfect she was and how you let her go. Of course that wouldn't be accurate either because no one is perfect.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> You've often talked about your ex on here, and imho, until you're totally over your ex, you'll continue making excuses why every gf you have isn't ''good enough.'' Just a guess, but it seems like you sabotage your relationships that are going well, and my guess is...because your heart still isn't over your ex.


Go back to older threads and you'll see more of the same. With ex and not content, busted up with ex and wants her back, back with ex and not content again, busted up with ex and wants her back again. There's a pattern that I know RandomDude sees.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I haven't been back with ex for years =/ Besides she's nothing more to me than a co-parent. 

I'm doing a career change and a month into uni I've developed so many temporary crushes it's annoying. Not going to cheat on my girlfriend, nor break up, but I need her help in keeping my thoughts on her.


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> I haven't been back with ex for years =/ Besides she's nothing more to me than a co-parent.
> 
> 
> 
> I'm doing a career change and a month into uni I've developed so many temporary crushes it's annoying. Not going to cheat on my girlfriend, nor break up, but I need her help in keeping my thoughts on her.




That right there is your issue.
Blaming her for how you feel, what you think.
There's a name for that. Arrogance is another trait. But regardless, I hope she's smart enough not to fall for it.
If you truly feel you aren't getting what you are entitled to, well that probably sucks and it probably feels bad. I hope you figure that out.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Why is everyone so hostile?

Only looking for solutions  Why waste time with judgements?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> Why is everyone so hostile?
> 
> Only looking for solutions  Why waste time with judgements?




A judgment would be deciding you should do something other than what you did. I have no issues with who you are, you do what you know, that is all. I'm sure it's frustrating to want her to do something to alleviate what you are feeling.
I feel for you. Solutions? Simple.

If you are capable of deciding she doesn't have sex appeal, then you are also capable of deciding she DOES. 



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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

How does one just decide that?


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

RandomDude said:


> How does one just decide that?




The same way you decided she didn't. Capable but not willing? That happens 


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## crocus (Apr 8, 2016)

It's not a black white yes no action. Fat thin long hair short hair old young
So it's none of your business
You don't get to decide if it's yes or no
You get to PREFER one way or another.
So wrap your head around what you prefer. 
And you will have more success 


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

RandomDude said:


> I haven't been back with ex for years =/ Besides she's nothing more to me than a co-parent.
> 
> I'm doing a career change and a month into uni I've developed so many temporary crushes it's annoying. Not going to cheat on my girlfriend, nor break up, but I need her help in keeping my thoughts on her.


Maybe you're just not ready for a committed relationship? I think at the gf/bf stage, we are usually all over each other. If you're developing crushes on others, I'd say she's either not the one for you or you're not ready. Either way, I think you might want to consider cutting bait. She deserves to be with someone who is really into her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Why is everyone so hostile?
> 
> Only looking for solutions  Why waste time with judgements?


Lol, yes this thread seems hostile; sorry about that. Okay for starters encouraging sex appeal and talking about high heals is kind superficial.

I mean if your girl isn't sexy in your t shirt Saturday morning then forget about the high heals.


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## Angeline (Aug 25, 2016)

Try looking at her through an appreciative lens. Everyone has something about them that's hot. Did she have that sex appeal that you're looking for at one time..like, at the beginning, when you met? She had to if you added the 'benefits' part. We don't screw ones we aren't attracted to. 

Anyway, what changed? Was it her or you?

It sounds like the classic 'familiarity breeds contempt' issue. I mean, if you're being tempted elsewhere already, it may not be her..maybe look at yourself? 
Are you, somewhere inside, uneasy about settling down a bit..do you feel there is always something better out there? Do you feel like you deserve the BEST!? 
Because listen, there is always better. 
No matter whom you are with, someone else will ALWAYS be hotter, sexier, more funny, smarter, more talented, sweeter, kinder, etc..than her. And that goes for you too.
I'm sure she is exposed to plenty of men in her daily life. She easily could come across some that may impress her in some way, more than you do, (no offense!) or give her a little buzz of arousal for whatever reason.
Should that be enough for her to question YOUR sex-appeal? 

At what point do you decide that what you have is pretty damn good and start feeling truly grateful? What you look for, you'll find. Look for her sex-appeal..she has it. Maybe not in the cookie-cutter way that you expect it to show up, but women have it, for sure: )

So, if you're questioning things, especially as innate as sex-appeal, you might not be the right guy for her. She can't fake that for you. You have to just see it and feel it.
Guaranteed, there are guys out there that see/know her and think "Damn, if only..."

The grass in almost never greener once you get to the other side.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

These people are treating you with kid gloves.

The only way you are going to see sex appeal that keeps you happy is in a mirror.


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