# Why is no one reaching out to me (the victim)?



## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Does anyone else experience this? I found out that my wife had been having a phone texting affair with a friend of ours. It had been going on for a while. 

I was totally devastated. Sometimes I still feel so lost. We love each other more than anything and we are definitely working tings out.

But my feelings of hurt are running even deeper now because it seems like friends of ours (who know our situation and who have been through the same thing) are reaching out to her, coddling her, making sure she is okay every day, but not so much as a single time have they asked me if I was okay.

Is this normal for the victims? I just sooo wish someone who has been on my end of things would just come to me and say, "hey you okay?" just even once. She is getting all the attention and it doesn't make sense. I am not an attention hungry person either. Really.

Thanks for any help.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Maybe because they knew her reasons for starting the affair to begin with?? What were the problems in your marriage before the affair? If they knew of her A while it was happening, chances are they know what she was missing from you too. Which may cause them to worry more about her being happy. Not saying it is right, just saying I could see it. 

Where are your friends at?? Do you have your own set of people you talk to?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Funny thing is, we have analyzed this over and over. We really had no problems. She got too close to a friend, started friendly texting only, then one day it switched out of the blue. Then it was like an addiction. She has told me over and over that I always gave her what she needed. And she does for me too. Things can still happen even in a great relationship believe it or not. This was entirely unrelated to me. I know it sounds weird but trust me on this, we are always working hard to be with each other, spend good time together, and take care of each others' needs. It just sneaked its way in.

We have a lot of mutual friends that know about it. It just kinda makes me feel alone that none of them have taken an interest in me or how I am doing. That's all.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

For the same reason a boy/man is told "big boys don't cry". Women are the weaker vessel and wear their emotions on their sleve more then men do. Your wife had better put a stop to it. This could really start to make you bitter. Especially if she is telling these friends that you are at fault. I could not handle it if that was the case. And would definitely bail on the marriage. You need to confront her on this.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Okay, I can see that. But what made her switch it from being friends, to being overly friendly and inappropriate? Was it the thrill? 


The only thing I can think of is that your combined friends might just be closer with her than they are with you? I wish I could be more helpful, but its kinda hard to find out the "why" to some things.


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

Initfortheduration said:


> For the same reason a boy/man is told "big boys don't cry". Women are the weaker vessel and wear their emotions on their sleve more then men do. Your wife had better put a stop to it. This could really start to make you bitter. Especially if she is telling these friends that you are at fault. I could not handle it if that was the case. And would definitely bail on the marriage. You need to confront her on this.


I have talked to her about it. We are being entirely open. She never tells them it is my fault. She is accepting full responsibility for her actions. We both have a really good grip on what is happening and what is being said. I guess I am just wanting someone to reach out to me and tell me how they dealt with their feelings to get through it. And I was just wondering if that's normal. I can see how people would probably flock to the woman...because of the emotional aspect.


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## lbell629 (May 10, 2010)

I don't know why people don't reach out to the "victims". I wonder if it doesn't have anything to do with them trying to keep the cheater on the right track and making sure they are okay so that they don't do it again and realize that they are going through withdrawl and trying to help them through that. Why they don't help us? I have no clue...


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

lbell629 said:


> I don't know why people don't reach out to the "victims". I wonder if it doesn't have anything to do with them trying to keep the cheater on the right track and making sure they are okay so that they don't do it again and realize that they are going through withdrawl and trying to help them through that. Why they don't help us? I have no clue...


That actually makes more sense than anything I have heard thus far. Thanks! I think you are right.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Partially because many view it as a victim-less crime. "After all, they didn't have sex so you should feel lucky it stopped in time" Only when you have been on the wrong end of an EA do you really understand how much it hurts and how much you need support. I feel for ya brutha, been there, done that, have the scars.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi tj71, 
I'm so sorry this has situation has happened to you and your marriage.....
If what you say is true that the marriage was good and that you two did take care of each other then maybe your wife has a little work to do to make sure she is never ever in that kind of situation again......
I know that it is hard for you to understand how she could have crossed this line, I was the same way.....
I think friends in a situation like this will try to stay as neutral as possible, I guess women are more emotional and willing to discuss the details, men seem a little more willing to just ignore the conversations and just try to keep you busy.....
Some of my friends said they didn't say anything out of respect for both of us.....some of our friends took me under their wings.
I was the BS......my husband did tell me at one point that he thought I had real friends and that he just had business partners, golf pals and acquaintances.....I think he was a little surprised that most of our friends really thought what he did by having an affair was wrong.......
I guess that's the fog thinking on his part......
could be that they are just trying to keep your wife on the straight and narrow now, helping her get over the connection she had with the EA person.....
Your friends might be in your corner more than you think, just trying not to bring up any pain because of the EA
day by day


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi tj71,
> I'm so sorry this has situation has happened to you and your marriage.....
> If what you say is true that the marriage was good and that you two did take care of each other then maybe your wife has a little work to do to make sure she is never ever in that kind of situation again......
> I know that it is hard for you to understand how she could have crossed this line, I was the same way.....
> ...


Thanks for the sweet reply. Very nice to hear that.


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## yogachick (Aug 9, 2010)

I think cheaters tend to be popular and well liked in general and therefore have more opportunities and temptaion. Anyone can say no to chocolate cake once but if you are very well known and well liked you are offered that chocolate cake 1000 times more than your average joe. Then when the damage is done they are still that very very likeable person. Leaves the "boring" loyals feeling pretty poorly. Don't take it personally, that's for sure!!!!


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