# Bruised Ego



## Munchie98 (Jul 1, 2015)

Hi everyone, lurker here. Thought now was a good time to finally start being an active member & seek some advice. 
Background: 33yr old W here. H is 35. Been married 8 years, together 17 yrs. Overall I'm fairly happy but continue to find myself unsatisfied/frustrated with our sex life. My H is not LD but I would call him lazy & also submissive. (Not in a bdsm usage or effeminate). He just takes a backseat approach to sex, likes when I'm in charge & when I initiate. We usually have sex 3-4 times a week, w/ additional BJs for him. There are several issues I would like to address but I think I will start with what occurred today.
This past week we had zero sex. My H had a hectic work week with long hours, I could tell he was spent & during that he aggravated his back causing him to be in some pain. I didn't push sex I knew he was exhausted, he was passing out on the couch when he would get home. He had Sat. & Sun. off. We spent the weekend together, Sunday being a lazy day at home. Again no sex, which was ok, was letting him recoup. This morning I work up earlier than him, he would be getting soon to leave to work also. As he laid in bed, I kissed him Goodbye & whispered in his ear "save your **** for me, I want it tonight" He made a happy moan. I left to run an errand. While doing so I sent him a sexy text, pretty much reiterated what I said. I didn't want him to mastubate because I was looking forward to tonight.
Later on, when I knew he was on his way to work I checked my open dns that shows our wifi usage, sure enough he visited a porn site & watched 2 videos. I know what that means. I was pissed, but still calmly gave him a call, he went around the subject & played dumb. Then later he sent me a text saying he loved me. I sent him a text explaining that I had been waiting all week to be with him & how i told him to wait for tonight because I was planning something special (I was) but how I guess I'm not anything to look forward to. His response: "my name" you're going to get it bad.." I ignored it.

I guess right now, my spirit is just dampened, my ego is bruised & the mood is gone. So any advice for me for when he comes home, should I still have sex like I was planning even if I'm not into it anymore? Should I just say sorry I took care of myself already? A taste of his own medicine. How would you handle this?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Skip the sex tonight and talk to him about why you are unsatisfied /frustrated with your sex life.

I wouldn't mention him watching porn this morning. That would be a distraction from the main point (unless watching porn takes away from your sex life, which at the rate you report, doesn't seem to be the case).


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

WTF ? Because he jerked off it means you won't have sex with him tonight ? 

Holy crap.. Let me tell you something honestly and openly here.. When I was in a steady relationship.. I would crank it off twice a week and I was getting it every Friday, Saturday and Sunday night.. Saturday we would do it twice. 

Did you ever watch something about mary ?.. That is true about going in with a loaded gun.. 

Sometimes I would take care of business before going over the GF and she knew it. Because I told her.. My whole ploy was simple.. Don't want me cranking off then take care of business during the week.. 

Why would you want him to be all worked up and then BAM be done quick ?

Unless you know him to take care of business by himself and then not be interested.. 

BTW I wish I had a woman who knew about open DNS.. That is geeky hot..


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## Munchie98 (Jul 1, 2015)

Thanks for your input Buddy, you're right about skipping the sex part. We've had discussions before but really I never see a change on his part, he also gets defensive. I know this is just a symptom of a bigger problem. I also would consider myself a submissive personality but I step up because thru sex is the only time when i get the affection & attention I crave from my H. The lack of initiation on his part I take as lack of desire for me, the 3-4x a week are usually centered around his enjoyment. The oral sex is probably 30to1 with me getting the short end of it. I don't mind the porn because he doesn't look at it often but when I specifically asked him not to because I wanted him for me & he still did, well that just hurts.


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## Munchie98 (Jul 1, 2015)

Lol thanks Hardtohandle, loved your honesty.
I get what you're saying. I know guys wank off, that's fine. I think in the case of H, unfortunately if he does do it, it effects his desire & he's pretty much done. I think this is where his lack of initiation stems from. So where does that leave me? That's why I was so upset about it.. Believe me I never turn down sex & I'm not one to be spiteful but I think I'm just tired of the lack of consideration.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Is the issue that he wouldn't have enough virility to show you a good night of passion if he masturbates, or is it the fact he used porn the problem?

What if your husband could masturbate 1 to 2 times a day plus regularly initiate sex with you 1 to 2 times a day with great enthusiasm to boot? Would that be too much for you?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

She said quite clearly that when he jerks off he has problems performing with her. Yet he still jerked it to porn. That's a problem. 

I wouldn't have sex with anyone who chose porn knowing they wouldn't function at full capacity with me. You want porn that bad? I'll take of myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> She said quite clearly that when he jerks off he has problems performing with her. Yet he still jerked it to porn. That's a problem.
> 
> I wouldn't have sex with anyone who chose porn knowing they wouldn't function at full capacity with me. You want porn that bad? I'll take of myself.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure that she clearly stated that it was a strictly performance problem due to masturbation. I think it was open enough that the simple fact that he used porn in and of itself may be issue - regardless of whether he could perform well or not. While your assumption is most likely the correct one, it's not a guarantee that it was what the OP was thinking.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

So the real issue, imo, is that OP wants an equal measure of initiation. The jerking off during the day, when sex is "planned" that evening, actually goes against her wishes - not because he won't be able to perform - but because it actually shows some sort of initiation and interest in sex that he's not showing towards her.

By the time she gets home that night, she knows she'll still have to get the ball rolling, but knowing that he got the same ball rolling - but on his own, by himself - earlier in the day, is a turn off.

My thinking is that if there was an equal amount of interest/sexual appetite for each other, the jerking off during the day wouldn't be an issue at all, and may even be somewhat of a turn on for her in some instances. I know that if my wife and I had a plan for later that day, and she masturbated (and let me know she did) I'd be hella turned on!

I liken it to most people who are married to an LD spouse (as I am). If, and when, the LD spouse masturbates, rather than have sex with you (or waits for you to have sex with), it's a major blow to the ego. My wife never initiates, and like OP, it's always up to me to get the ball rolling. The lack of desire for me that I feel SUCKS, but it is what it is.

But on the occasional time over the years that I know my wife has masturbated, including when I'm in the house, or otherwise available, compounds the issue x1000. For me, it's hurtful. For her, masturbating and sex are two entirely different things.

So in OP's case, there's a silver lining. She got her husband sufficiently horned up by her approach. That's a good thing. I wish I could have that same effect on my wife! When I talk to her like that (about what I want to do with her later on), she basically makes a note in her "calendar". It doesn't get her going, and there's no anticipation of things to come.

OP's husband does (or did). Perhaps he should have waited, or at the very least, not used porn to jerk off to, but in the end, OP was still able to get him going, so to speak. Don't underestimate that.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Munchie98 said:


> I don't mind the porn because he doesn't look at it often but when *I specifically asked him not to* because I wanted him for me & he still did, well that just hurts.


What ever you do DO NOT THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS, or I will be upset with you.

We are all human! Now you could take it as a compliment that your previous teases got him too worked up and he just lost control of himself and could not wait. You were simply a little too good at asking him to wait... Next time just remember to put numbing cream in his favorite bottle of lotion and temporarily limit your household bandwidth to about 0.75mbps for the device he uses. The combination of slow-to-load websites without enough speed for streaming and numbing cream will frustrate him so that he is all yours next time!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I think in the case of H, unfortunately if he does do it, it effects his desire & he's pretty much done." Munchie98

I actually take this to mean either that he has trouble performing (ejaculating) or his sexual desire wains because he has already had sex that day.
I think this is not that uncommon especially among older men (even some younger ones too). they can only perform once a day.
Kudos to all those studly guys out there that can do themselves a few times a day and then take care of the wife or gf same day, but not all guys are like that.

so i don't think porn is in of itself her issue.

Munchie; can you help clear this up for us?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Op may be overlooking the possibility that her husband knew they were going to have sex that night and he just wanted some stimulation beforehand since he had been tired and wanted to make sure he was up for the night. And OP didn't come right out and say he masturbated.

Plus he indicated that sex was still on for the night... why didn't OP just take him at his word?

Add to that OP is monitoring his computer use. Seriously? That would make me less likely to want to have sex with my wife.

I think OP overreacted here.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Or was H taking off some pressure so he didn't go to soon??


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