# Is this cheating or no?



## Ridion (Apr 11, 2020)

Backstory:
Myself and the guy I’m dating have been living together since October last year in my home with my son. To be completely honest we aren’t officially in a relationship and this point is valid for you guys to help me. Also he’s not ever been in a committed relationship himself. Anyway Recently due to the pandemic we’re both out of a job and moneys been tight. To summarise things I was paying for everything solely and he was putting in small contributions. That caused a lot of arguments as I felt I was dealing with everything myself. So 4 days ago I found out that he sent a **** pic on Snapchat to another woman and they were basically planning to meet up and have sex. I absolutely brought this up and long story short he’s packed up all his things and he’s at his mums now. 

How I feel:

I definitely love this man. And he says the feeling is reciprocated but it’s hard to believe when he does something like this. Normally I’d cut ties no problem but I’m hanging on because

1,) I still love the damn man 
2.) To be absolutely realistic we weren’t in an official relationship so does it hold the same standard as cheating?
3.) apart from this hiccup and us being made redundant he’s literally everything I want 

reality:

I’m still extremely hurt by this circumstance and I feel betrayed. He was sending the **** pic in my home probably laying in my bed texting her. He’s been helping raise my son as I’m a sole parent of him. I just feel there’s a level of disrespect that is unacceptable and he’s passed that level 8 levels ago. In the same breath I want to work on things but I don’t know how. My stubbornness and pride is making me want to just call it quits. In the same damn breath we weren’t together so does this **** count?! 

Somebody give me wisdom pls 


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## UnsureFather (Apr 15, 2020)

Sounds like there was a pseudo relationship there even though none was ever defined. If he's living with you and sleeping in your bed I'm assuming there are sexual relations and therefore the relationship is obviously implied. If he loves you and you love him I don't know what more you'd need to clarify that you guys are in some sort of romantic relationship.

It also sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of being mad because you feel in someway he had a right to do what he did because there was no defined relationship.

Best thing to do is be honest with him, put your cards on the table and have him do the same. Decide where you guys want to go from here.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Ridion said:


> Backstory:
> Myself and the guy I’m dating have been living together since October last year in my home with my son. To be completely honest we aren’t officially in a relationship and this point is valid for you guys to help me. Also he’s not ever been in a committed relationship himself. Anyway Recently due to the pandemic we’re both out of a job and moneys been tight. To summarise things I was paying for everything solely and he was putting in small contributions. That caused a lot of arguments as I felt I was dealing with everything myself. So 4 days ago I found out that he sent a **** pic on Snapchat to another woman and they were basically planning to meet up and have sex. I absolutely brought this up and long story short he’s packed up all his things and he’s at his mums now.
> 
> How I feel:
> ...


There is no official "cheating" handbook in which some referee steps in and rules or overrules either of you and declares cheating or not cheating. You don't even have to get hung up on that word. 
You alone and your heart and feelings can decide if you consider cheating or if you consider this some type of intimacy line, a relationship boundary that if crossed you will be hurt and the relationship may end. 

Sending nude pictures and trying to schedule sex, that is something a 100% single person does...not someone who has a romantic partner. 
I sure would be out of there and done with this guy.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

The best bet is to walk away. You may love him, and he may love you. But he's not ready for commitment and you can't force that out of him. And you also shouldn't be modeling this kind of behavior for your child. If you don't walk away, he will cheat again. (and yes, it was cheating). Let him go, have a little cry, and then move on. It will save you and your child a lot of heartbreak.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You're not in a committed relationship because he doesn't want to be in a committed relationship and he's not going to be. It really doesn't matter how much you love him or how right it feels, he's gone as far as he will go commitment wise. You two are on different gameplans.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

And this is what your future holds for you. You love him but he just likes you. You can tell alot from a friend who uses you for whatever they(he) can get. 

He wasn't that great catch after all. It's best for YOU to go out and find not only someone who Sparks your heart and physical appeal but who isn't playing the field.

Tell him to shove off.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Ridion said:


> How I feel:
> 
> I definitely love this man. And he says the feeling is reciprocated but it’s hard to believe when he does something like this. Normally I’d cut ties no problem but I’m hanging on because
> 
> ...


When they show you who they are why is it so hard to believe them... what about this behavior do you love?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

So he "doesn't want to define the relationship" and you're "not officially a couple", yet he's perfectly ok with sponging off you and your son - supporting him means less resources for your son, hmmmm. Nice guy - NOT.

You've dodged a bullet honey. Men who love a woman don't send pics to other random women.

Grieve the loss and move on.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Spot on @frusdil...and, men who love a woman don't "sponge", either..... and "small contributions" don't cut it....



Ridion said:


> there’s a level of disrespect that is unacceptable


Yep. Exactly. Don't overthink this. You are not to blame. He is the one making these choices.

You're not married to this guy. Waste his freeloader a$$ like a used kleenex.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

You now have a true picture of what he is. 
Is that what you want to sign up for?
You know what you need to do.
Just do it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

You're self worth is far too low. You and your son deserve far more respect and consideration and, honestly, a real man.

This pathetic boy ran off to his mommy?

You only had another kid to take care of here. You were his sugar momma.

A real man will have far more capability to not only take care of himself but you and your son as well. This absolutely includes a financial aspect.

You are well rid of this idiot who was sponging off you while thinking it cute to take pictures of his pecker to send who knows where in the middle of an unprecedented crisis in the world.

This is the kind of guy that would sell your kid to gypsies for food while you weren't looking.

Keep your head separated from your feelings. You have a brain for a good reason and should never let your feelings or hormones make the important decisions over your mind.

If we were totally in the wild, tribalism, I would feed a creep like him to the wolves.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

So you were living together but were not in relationship? The only way that works like this is for roommates.

I think he trained you well - "honey lets live together, spend your money togethr, **** together, but if I want to **** someone else, we are not together, ok?"

Cry into pillow if you have to, but do not ever let this guy back in. You are his back up plan, and he keeps his door open.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Forget whether this is "cheating" or not. You concern is what is acceptable to you. Clearly, this is not. Don't be talked out of your boundaries by being told that they don't fit in some specific definition of a poorly chosen word. 

This man does not appear to share certain core values with you. That is unlikely to change in any meaningful and lasting way. I'd move on if I were you. If you look at this objectively, I am doubtful that he is even close to, "he’s literally everything I want." 

Also, I wouldn't move in with another man unless you have a clear and mutually agreed upon commitment.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Whatever your son knows or will find out will not be good in terms how to treat girls and women. I've read that women who are shown disrespect from their partners then suffer similar treatment from their sons.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think your only way forward is to change the locks, block him, never see him again and as soon as the lock down is over, start therapy to figure out why you would have accepted such a one way relationship. You are worth so much more than some loser who sponges off of you while he's ****ing other women. He's scum. You're not. Figure that out quickly for your own sake and that of your son. Please. _hugs_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sorry, not following at all here as to why you and your son are living with this dude, but aren't in a committed relationship.

I think that's the root problem here, and not his crappy behaviour. Get out, get your head straight, and don't move in with a guy (especially when you have a kid) when you're not even really in a relationship.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s using you.

You‘re either okay with that or you aren’t.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He is/was the guy you are dating and you have been his landlord for 7ish months. He has never been in a committed relationship and likely does not even have that in his repertoire. Your definition of love and his are totally different.

Thank goodness y'all's relationship does not involve more commitment (like marriage) because it would be at least one-sided if not open. Why are you ok with this? "Because I love him?" Bad example for your son, your family, your friends. Bad example period.

IMO: You cared and thought he would eventually come over to your POV. But why should he? I think he is now sort of a HABIT. 

What happened to your relationship with your son's father? Other relationships? Limerence has been gone from y'alls relationship for a while, but there seems to be no real substance left.

Don't know your ages or much about what you want for the future. I'd suggest you look for more than 'feel goods' and maybe include commitment, true integrity, and a balance in devotion. 

BTW: Just because he says something, doesn't make it true. Be strong. Be ready to do the hard work change involves. Value who you are and what you stand for.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To answer your question, using quotes from your OP to back up my viewpoint,


Ridion said:


> -snip- Myself and the guy I’m dating have been living together since October last year in my home with my son. -snip- He’s been helping raise my son as I’m a sole parent


You have familial relationship. Family intimacy.


Ridion said:


> -snip- To summarise things I was paying for everything solely and he was putting in small contributions.


You have shared finances. Financial Intimacy.


Ridion said:


> -snip- I definitely love this man. -snip- I still love the damn man -snip- he’s literally everything I want


You are strongly emotionally connected at least in one direction. Emotional intimacy.


Ridion said:


> -snip- He was sending the **** pic in my home probably laying in my bed texting her.


I think we can assume sexual intimacy with this one.
OK so you share every important intimacy with this guy and yet you are both wondering if you are committed to each other? I'll answer it for you. You were. It was in fact a betrayal of the intimacies that you willingly shared with each other. 
Now that we have that question out of the way and we have determined that


Ridion said:


> -snip- I’m still extremely hurt by this circumstance and I feel betrayed.


 and that he is indeed a cheater and is unable to maintain a boundary. Now that all of that is clear, we can move on with advice.

You need to be less intimate with uncommitted people. Demisexual people like me, don't have to struggle with this because sexual attraction comes after the emotional connection. In your case you have to be more protective. You have to need more than a person who tickles all your fancies. You need a man who you can trust. I advise you to add that to your list of emotional needs. You need a man who isn't afraid to be committed to a monogamous relationship. Clearly no other kind of relationship is acceptable to you. So you have to hold back those intimacies (familial, financial emotional, and yes even sexual) until the man is ready to commit to exclusivity. 

You want to give this cheater another chance. Well the world is full of all kinds of people, You aren't the first to make that decision. My advice is that you get the commitment to exclusivity before you let him move back in. It wouldn't hurt to get it in writing.
MN


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ridion said:


> 4 days ago I found out that he sent a **** pic on Snapchat to another woman and they were basically planning to meet up and have sex. I absolutely brought this up and long story short he’s packed up all his things and he’s at his mums now.
> 
> How I feel:
> 
> ...


^^This^^ is downright tragic. Can you have so little love for yourself that you would consider this man worthy of love? Because if this is "literally" everything you want, you are settling for crumbs. Actually, even less than crumbs. 

This man is a loser; nothing more than a bum. To hell with him. Figure out why you would waste your time on a jerk like this. You deserve better. Seriously.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

OP... It’s unanimous. You have gotten some EXCELLENT advice on this thread. Use it!


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## jimmyrich (Apr 10, 2020)

Re="I want to work on things but don't know how." This is the basic problem that most ppl have...they simply DON'T KNOW HOW to deal with relationship issues & often make matters worse or give up in DEFEAT! Rather than examine your struggle to find specific items to help both of you with, I'll recommend that you Google=relationship skills or get some books from a library or book store & begin LEARNING HOW to deal with your mate & situations. Once you BOTH learn how to face & confront problems & arrive at mutually happy SOLUTIONS this or any other relationship can & will move more smoothly. It's just a matter of knowing a few significant things & having useful relationship TOOLS or SKILLS. It's your life!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sorry hun...you already know the answer to your own question. Sorry this is happening to you. A much better man is in your future.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Ridion said:


> 1,) I still love the damn man


Hey, I love potato chips with wine... doesn't mean it's a wise choice.


Lead yourself with self-respect.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep. Cheating. Kick his ass out. 


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ridion said:


> *To be completely honest we aren’t officially in a relationship and this point is valid for you guys to help me. Also he’s not ever been in a committed relationship himself. Anyway Recently due to the pandemic we’re both out of a job and moneys been tight. To summarise things I was paying for everything solely and he was putting in small contributions. That caused a lot of arguments as I felt I was dealing with everything myself. So 4 days ago I found out that he sent a **** pic on Snapchat to another woman and they were basically planning to meet up and have sex. I absolutely brought this up and long story short he’s packed up all his things and he’s at his mums now.*


So to get this straight, you've been PAYING to have this freeloader live at your house because you "loooooooove" him, and the freeloader has been only TOO happy to be a parasite and let you support him. Gosh, I can see why you're so in love with him and why you feel he's "everything you want." 🙄 🙄 🙄 .



> *I definitely love this man. And he says the feeling is reciprocated but it’s hard to believe when he does something like this. Normally I’d cut ties no problem but I’m hanging on because*


The only thing Mr. Freeloader loves is YOU paying for him to live with you.

I just have to say that there's NO dignity in *paying* to keep some opportunistic ass-hole in your life. And that's EXACTLY what you're doing - paying his way so he'll stay. And any guy who has so damned little pride that he thinks it's ok to live off a single mom is nothing more than a parasite. You're so damned blinded by love for this degenerate that you can't even SEE it.

*



I’m still extremely hurt by this circumstance and I feel betrayed. He was sending the **** pic in my home probably laying in my bed texting her.

Click to expand...

*I wouldn't expect any LESS from a loser like this. Sadly, your mistake is expecting someone this low to act with decency. Not going to happen.



> *I just feel there’s a level of disrespect that is unacceptable and he’s passed that level 8 levels ago.*


Oh, so you DO know what a piece of **** he is. If you're expecting Prince Charming to suddenly become a decent human being, you'll be waiting a lifetime. Surely this low life isn't the only option you HAVE in a 100 mile radius??????


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## Ladyortiz602 (Apr 18, 2020)

Ridion said:


> Backstory:
> Myself and the guy I’m dating have been living together since October last year in my home with my son. To be completely honest we aren’t officially in a relationship and this point is valid for you guys to help me. Also he’s not ever been in a committed relationship himself. Anyway Recently due to the pandemic we’re both out of a job and moneys been tight. To summarise things I was paying for everything solely and he was putting in small contributions. That caused a lot of arguments as I felt I was dealing with everything myself. So 4 days ago I found out that he sent a **** pic on Snapchat to another woman and they were basically planning to meet up and have sex. I absolutely brought this up and long story short he’s packed up all his things and he’s at his mums now.
> 
> How I feel:
> ...


It looks to me like he wants everything a relationship has to offer but not the title so that he can be free to still be able to do what he wants and who he wants and that’s not rite you need to let him know how you feel and make him choose if he wants a relationship with you or if he wants to leave you all together you can’t continue to live like that it will drive you crazy he’s honestly being selfish make him choose you definitely deserve better then he’s showing you


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## Dubda (Apr 18, 2020)

Looks like a lack of communication is the issue. You both didnt define your relationship. Go talk now and sort it out. If either one of you dont want to sit down and have an intimate serious talk, then the relationship is not a real thing and need to go your seperate ways.


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