# Down the road of divorce



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I decided to begin another thread from my Love must Be Tough. I guess there is no point at "being tough"...relationship wise.

I met with my H today. He was relaxed and like his old self. He's a good man and wants to be fair. After 24 years, we are divorcing as we were married...respectful and working as a team. It sounds SICK to behave this way as many people would love to get along as we do (divorce wise)..in their marriages. Here we are divorcing???? I guess not sick but twisted.

The purpose of the meeting was to iron out our unconstested divorce. I had questions and comments and bargaining to do. He wants fair. We are using the same attorney to draw up the paperwork and I will get my own to look it over (to protect me).

He had already been to the attorney this week and gave me the order of petition to divorce. The *grounds (*drumroll): discord or conflict of personalities!!! This mean that we didn't have anything in common and he wasn't having fun. What a superficial azz. The "in common" thing gets me as it takes two to do things. He wouldn't try anything different this last year.

The thing that I know. I really know is he will find someone within a year to have fun with (relationship or sex). Once it gets deeper....it won't last. He wil have a hard time finding someone that compares to me. I am serious and not big headed. He has a long history and children and good times with me. He also had a patient, kind, understanding, good mom/wife, intelligent, friendly, attractive woman. I'm not jealous and I didn't restrict his activites in the least. I know that are good people "out there." But the odds of getting someone with the package, at this point, are rare. He may get a fun, cute woman but she may be lacking in something (jealous streak,money hungry, dinghy, needy). 

I want to SEE his "grass is greener." 

It saddens me this whole process.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I understand completely! I'm sure you remember my threads on how W acted while she and OM were building their little perfect life. Well, the phone calls have slowed down, I have heard raised voices, she is now looking for a job, unsuccessfuly, she is seeing the costs of doing all this (not just money either), some friends are acting wierd, church is pushing her, her relationship with the kids is slipping, OM has some major financial baggage, as well as his own 2nd marriage with his wife.

Someone here referred to the grass being greener on the other side because of all the manure... I thought that was great, and so true!

I hope you are able to work together on this. W and I want to, but because of the anger built up, nothing I do or say is right. OM and her lawyer are the correct ones. Keep in mind, though, I have been asking questions here, reading some books and googling lots of stuff, and the conclusions I come based off of multiple sources are that she has bad information sometimes. I'll just have to let the lawyers handle that. This is going to be tough on everyone, and from what I can gather, the better you two are at getting through issues yourselves, the better off you will be with the resolution. If someone else has to decide it for you, neither of you will be happy with the answer, right? I hope we can get through things ourselves for the bulk of the issues.

I wish you well,


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

CW,

That is so weird. Great relationship in all the key areas and yet..... something is wrong? I don't get that. He is running away instead of facing something. I still can't put my finger on it.

Any news on the job front?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1...I think in your case it would be difficult to do the paperwork with (1) attorney as the OM is involved plus anger etc. You have remained patient and calm and centered through this....She is slooooowly waking up from the utopia that she imagined. 

FA: Exactly. What is wrong? I wish I knew....I know I wasn't perfect and had my depression issues. I just don't know. What could he be running away from? My friend said eventually I will know...it will come out. Could it be as simple as he proposes?

No news on the job front. Waiting....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

By the way..he WAS wearing his wedding ring.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

No, we both have our own attorneys. Mine suggested that we get the 4 of us together soon to start hashing out the settlement. He is hoping that we can get the simple, agreeable things out of the way and get the list of stuff to do down to the things that are contensious. then we can work on resolving these. I sure hope we can get this done. Hers said it may take 6-8 months. Mine said 1 year, maybe up to year and a half. In MI there is a waiting period of 6 mo when there is minor children involved. In the end it all comes down to how much we can get taken care of on our part and then getting things scheduled through the court system. 

Thanks for your comments on me. I appreciate that. You say I am patient and calm, but so many days I don't feel that way. I know you can relate...


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Corpus: What do you want? Now that you know what his intentions are, and the things you have been through, both with separating physically and emotonally and mentally I guess.. Have you changed in yourself where you would want to work on things again, or do you want this to be a growing experience for yourself, albeit a painful one?

As I read about the ring, I wondered how you felt..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Hmmm What do I want?

Marriage wise: I would want my marriage restored to a happy healthier state. That would include him being 100% present and centered on restoration! I'd accept his flaws and would want to be accepted for mine. However, we'd make what is already "right" in our marriage better and stronger.

Myself: I've been changing all along since my depression (several years ago). I wasn't really changing for him but for me all along. I went back to school, received counseling, finished an internship and began focusing on myself for the first time since marriage (24 years). I had been too family focused and didn't allow myself to have dreams or hopes. Part of that was my lousy childhood and determination to make things better for my kids. 

Recently: I've made new friends. I've done activities that I enjoy without asking. I've became more career focused (goals and a plan). I also became happy. Even in this divorce, which I hate and I know GOD hates, I am happy. I have moments of sadness and peace. I prayed for God to protect me during this time. He has given me PEACE.

This is a growing experience and you are right-painful. Doesn't matter for how long or experience, it is always painful. 

The ring...I felt glad that he still cared (in whatever way). However, he obviously hasn't detached or that ring would be gone. 

As Feelingalone said before....I don't get it.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

hmmm interesting. Do you think he felt inferior when you started to go after some of your own goals? Like maybe he felt he just wasn't needed anymore.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I don't know about inferior Believe. I thought about it. However, he is well paid and has activities of his own. Maybe so?

All along...during my depression I question "why" he would want to be with me (in my mind). I felt hopeless many times. Gradually, I came around it was alot of work and effort and selfishness on my part. I have sense apologized and expressed appreciation for him.

Then, my son had a crisis last summer. My H started drinking more after I went to bed. He very rarely come to bed with me. I noticed. He was stressed with my son (20 year old). He wasn't as touchy during that time. I attributed to the stress that we were under.

Then, the financial markets crashed last fall. We lost money big time and he is also in the industry. He was receiving negative calls all days long. He's a senstive and caring person. This affected him greatly. The look of pain on his face was evident.

I kept wanting and asking to help. I tried to make it better for him. He didn't have much to say other than work wise. He acted angry and negative (not like the personality that he usually is). After awhile...I thought maybe its me. I asked and he responded that he "didn't find me attractive" and "he was no longer in love." My heart sank. 

I stepped up to the plate. Our sex life was only when I initiated. He wasn't always responsive and mostly apprehensive. Sometimes...many times he couldn't perform. Stress was his middle name. 

In Oct-Jan. he attend individual counseling.
Jan-April We attended marital counseling.

The MC weren't successful he was disengaged. He didn't want to hurt my feeling. He had guilt breaking up the marriage. He was stuck wanting out. I never really got more than that. 

Over the course of Jan-mid July..I got the mixed messages. Sex became a little better or responsive. He was more relaxed. Didn't deal with conflict at all well (kids, me, etc). He'd run off to the bedroom and hide. He wanted to be alone during any conflict. He wasn't himself. He went through the motions of marriage.

He would come home and participate. Call me daily from work. Sometimes we did lunch or dinner. I never suspected an affair. Still don't.

I can't believe this unhappiness is all about me. I can't. Friends and family don't have a clue as to why this is happening. Of course, they aren't living in the marriage. They know me and my personality. I pretty well rounded and stable and kind. 

He may feel inferior and needs to explore adulthood on his own and find himself. Mid life crisis material perhaps. He has always stated, up until he left..."you know I love you." I'd respond.."I know." I really do know.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

He called tonight regarding visitation.

I mentioned that I may go out of town for my birthday weekend. He asked if I was going with our D. I said "no someone else." 
He said "let's try to not make each other jealous ok."

I said that I didn't mean it that way. blahblahblah.

I felt bad and emailed him later apologizing that I was sorry for stating it that way. I said "it shouldn't make your jealous given the situation of our divorce." (meaning that I was tossed to the curb)


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

CW -I am sorry to hear the decision your husband has made & that he would like to proceed with the divorce. I know that is not the outcome you were hoping for but a marriage can't be one sided & if he isn't willing to put the effort in to save it - then it is time for you to move on. So the good thing that came of this is that you don't have to wonder any more what he wants, what he is going to say, etc. You are finally out of limbo & can attempt to move forward with your life. 
It sounds like you have taken some very positive steps recently by taking classes, taking time for you & doing what you enjoy, getting counseling for yourself, meeting new friends - those are all going to be beneficial to you as you begin your "new" life. 
It sounds like you exhausted all your options with your husband - offering to help when you realized he was stressed, gave him freedom to do his own thing, tried counseling, gave him time during the seperation, etc. Unfortunately, you can't make him do anything & but you did all you could do to make it work. And no one can ask you for anything more - you did your best & unfortunately your husband doesn't realize this & it is his loss. 
I am sure that these next fews weeks, months will be a whirlwind of emotions, decisions & stressful but know in the end you will be OK. 
I wish you the best of luck as you move through this process. 
You definitely sound like you have your act together & have a way to put a positive spin on things. Keep up the positive outlook - things will get better.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> "let's try to not make each other jealous ok."


CW I know that you love this guy - and mean no disrespect but I got angry when I read that he said that to you - not even the content really but the "let's" 

He gave up the right to say 'let's' when he opted out of the marriage -

also you can't MAKE anyone jealous - it's _their _emotional response if they feel something for you 

sounds like he wants a world where he doesn't have to feel anything


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

believer: Thank you for the support. I tend to look at things positively and feel in my heart that even with a divorce...I am still married. It's until my heart lets go. Paperwork doesn't matter. It does but it doesn't matter to my heart. I've done it all. I will be ok in the end but hope that I can get through this without bitterness and anger. I think I can as those are energy zappers and I'm not into using energy on useless things...

Knortoh: I know...the "lets" meaning together. He hasn't totally detached from this relationship. He also in a process. 

Sometimes I think the LMBT that I was using that I was too tough. I didn't do the lunch the first week after we separated. I didn't allow the phone call to turn into chit chat. I was pretty hardcord with the LMBT. It's all hindsight and probably wouldn't have changed a thing. He's emotional and sensitive and he's feeling were hurt. I know "so what!" Just looking back.

He, I am sure, is jealous. He doesn't want to feel anything. That is why he is obsessed with this bike riding (road racing) and work and anyother activity you can think of. He doesn't have to think deep. He's lonely and afraid with no support system. He'll find a girl within 6 months. You bet. Nothing serious but just some fun. I know him well.


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## mls31 (Aug 22, 2009)

How will you handle yourself if your husband does start to date soon after your divorce is finalized? How do you get past thinking "that's my husband" when you see him with someone else?

I've been thinking a lot about this issue. I'm pretty sure our marriage is going to end in divorce. And I wouldn't be surprised to find out my husband is quick to find someone else too. To me, it will be crushing. I just wanted your thoughts.

I swear I'd rather have 4 root canals done with little drugs than deal with this.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

"dischord or conflict of personalities????"

conflict of personality is grounds for divorce???

what a world.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

mls: I am gearing myself for him dating. It's preparing for the worse. He won't flaunt it. I may end up hearing about it before...that's ok. She won't compare to me. I know this. It will still hurt of course.

V: discord or conflict of personalities! Isn't that laughable? Texas is no fault...so it doesn't matter really. However....who doesn't have conflict of personalities?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

[ He doesn't want to feel anything. That is why he is obsessed with this bike riding (road racing) and work and anyother activity you can think of. He doesn't have to think deep. He's lonely and afraid with no support system. He'll find a girl within 6 months. You bet. Nothing serious but just some fun. I know him well.]

Can't believe it ! my H. too (the bike stuff!!!!!!!) (and also baseball) it's so weird I feel as though we are living parallel lives - except with my H. I reckon he'll marry the girl interested in at the moment. If not for any other reason than to _prove_ to the world that it's true love. So hope I am wrong about that and my H is on a 'not feeling' thing as well. Don't know about you - it's all hurtful isn't it? but think I'd find 'fun' easier to deal with than 'true love'........?????????


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

voivod said:


> "dischord or conflict of personalities????"
> 
> conflict of personality is grounds for divorce???
> 
> what a world.


agree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:scratchhead:


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

knortoh: How very funny that your H bikes as well. I think he's at the point of obsessive. He has a big race that he's put together for our city in a few weeks. He's been planning for months. 

You are right about "fun" versus "in love." "Fun" is easier to deal with...

The rebound relationships or the affair that pulls them out of the marriage is very often not long lasting. The majority don't last past a year and if they do marry it's not long term. Then...they start regretting EVER running.

He just called. My H and D are hunting tomorrow (opening day of dove season). He is sick w/cold. I gave him some sympathy and kindness. How's THAT for a stbx!!


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> You are right about "fun" versus "in love." "Fun" is easier to deal with...
> 
> The rebound relationships or the affair that pulls them out of the marriage is very often not long lasting. The majority don't last past a year and if they do marry it's not long term. Then...they start regretting EVER running.


THANK YOU ! that thought is going to sustain me - we know that they AREN't thinking about the future in any event - short term is more than ebough for their very littel brains at the moment...

[/QUOTE]He just called. My H and D are hunting tomorrow (opening day of dove season). He is sick w/cold. I gave him some sympathy and kindness. How's THAT for a stbx!![/QUOTE]

CW - I am scheming about being 'nice' to my H as well - 
have weird conflicting thoughts both genuine and malicious -
I have turned into a tactician - it's just survival really. 

reading these threads is honestly the only thing that keeps me going and gives me a bit of a laugh about things - 

THANKS to all you sad confused people with FEELINGS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I loved your word Knortoh..."tactician." Very well put.

Sometimes...I want to get the meaniest attorney and give it to him and other times...it's me being fair. Afterall he just unhappy and wanting out...there is no girl involved????

I question myself...I have no gut instinct to tell me something is going on with some sort of affair. He doesn't have a history. He doesn't even lie well. Sooooo. I just don't think he is having one.

However. I keep my eyes and ears open. If he does he is slick. I get alot of outsiders telling me..."Shawn there JUST HAS to be more to this." I know it doesn't make sense but....Who goes off to be alone? It wasn't like I was unfaithful, an addict, a *****, a fighter, jealous, unsexual, etc. Yes. I sometimes second guess myself.

I am going to be the sweetest GAL ever to go through a divorce. Does that mean I am going to be a doormat. NO WAY! I am going to be tough with a smile and heart.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> I loved your word Knortoh..."tactician." Very well put.


Thanks CW, although I resisted taking up this personna I have realised that (in my case at least) there is no 'straight' path - openess and honesty gets me nowhere. 



Corpuswife said:


> Sometimes...I want to get the meaniest attorney and give it to him and other times...it's me being fair. Afterall he just unhappy and wanting out...there is no girl involved????
> I question myself...I have no gut instinct to tell me something is going on with some sort of affair. He doesn't have a history. He doesn't even lie well. Sooooo. I just don't think he is having one.


CW you have been pretty clear on this all the way through - so you are probably correct. 

the "just unhappy" one is a corker and I have been around that and around that time and time again - 

"unhappy" with what ?
"unhappy" because?

my H. decided that he was "unhappy" because he "didn't have the feelings for me that he should"

his counsellor told him he can't change his 'feelings' - but he should take responsibility for them. 

SO in his estimation he is now BEING RESPONSIBLE - 

The GUT instinct one that has also had me turned inside out.

I remember my C. asking me the first time I saw her 11 months ago what my gut instinct was about whether he 'loved' me or not. I said I had both - and this was the case - so it was 
GUT INSTINCTS..

Eventually in my case the stuff with the OW was cleverly laid out before me - 

H - "I wanted to have an affair but I didn't"

H - " I keep on hoping I will run into her and then I beat myself up about having those feelings" 

I am sure that you will do it all firm, smiling, loving -

In the end it is about who WE are - and holding onto our own VALUES - 

that's what is left when you lose so much - 

and these are valuable


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Knortoh: You H will wake up....it's all fairy tale land for now.

You just wait. We all have warts and some bigger than others.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

CW

can I ask you something?

when my H first spilled his beans and he left I had a lot of thoughts which were about trying to identify what I may have done to contibute to things getting to where they did.

I don't think I had a whole lot of success -

when he came back I was so looking forward to the chance to get in and try and work out what our relationship was about -

but he didn't want to do that at all....

did you and your H talk much about your relationship throughout your relationship? 

I feel so stupid for not having discussons with my H when I could have - maybe when he would have been more willing to listen -

plus I wonder all the time who I am - what I don't hear /see/ etc

it is obvious that my H had some sort of frustration -

I don't know


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Interesting comment about the rings Corpuswife. You stated that he hadn't removed his ring, and thus he hasn't "detached". Do you think there is really truth to that? Both of my partners are seriously devoted husbands, and neither of them wears a ring. I conversely had never removed my ring, but it "broke" about two years ago, and I haven't had it repaired. It had a cut away on the back so it could "break away" or be "cut away" if it was hung up on something, or trauma dictated a fast removal. (A military thing.) Ironically, within a year of not wearing mine, my wife stopped wearing hers. She said the settings were loose. I guess we need better jewlers. Anyway, that statement coupled with the jealousy comment, make me believe that your marriage is not quite dead. Your faith in God is admirable. He will sustain you. You are also correct about his not finding happiness with someone else. However, just because a truth is obvious doesn't mean that it is always easily seen by those who need to see it. He will discover the truth in time, but hopefully not before it's too late.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

lastinline: The comment about the ring has to do with his history of ring wearing. He has always worn his ring except during athletic outings. Before work he would put on his ring. If he misplaced his ring...he would go looking for it. So, obviously the ring for him has had some sentimental value. 

I understand that many folks don't like jewelry or as you said have other reasons for not wearing it. Each person has their value placed on their rings. No right or wrong...just is. 

It was my observation that FULL detachment hasn't occurred. Although, he MAY be working on it.

I agree with you that my marriage isn't quite dead. Unfortunately, we may be divorced before he realizes it. That's ok. I believe he will come around when I least expect it. Isn't that is how life it....you pray and hope for something and it never happpens. Then, when you let go it shows up unexpected. 

I have to accept this is what will be. I hold no bitterness. I totally forgive him. Really. It doesn't mean that I don't get sad and call him an azz. I am human. I asked God to bring me peace, if my H wouldn't be coming back into the marriage. I have peace. Prayer answered. On the other hand....my H is looking for peace in other places when all along it's inside just waiting.


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