# Walkaway Husband



## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

Hello, 

We've been married for a little over 8 years (both in our late 30s) and last week I returned home from work and my husband had packed his things and moved out. We'd been to therapy in the past to seek assistance with our communication, it helped for a bit but unfortunately my husband had a meltdown during our last session because he thought the therapist was taking sides. When we eventually spoke that night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and he especially needed some space to find himself. He said that he'd finally gotten the courage to leave. We've been through so much together that departing unannounced like that was mean-spirited imo. We actually have travel plans together for next month! We've had no abuse or infidelity in our relationship. One challenge has been infertility, and he's refused to use donor sperm. Although that decision was disappointing, I've chosen to be okay with It. This has been really tough on both of us. I'd like to save my marriage and work on paying more attention to his needs, but I have to also respect his need for space. Any advice?


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## LEB9 (3 mo ago)

I have experienced something similar yesterday. Out of the blue (relatively) my husband decided to leave. He has gone to his parents house and despite one phone call yesterday hasn’t been in touch. It’s killing me as he’s the person I go to but perhaps space is what’s needed. Give him a few days, as hard as this might be, and then with cooler heads you might be able to communicate.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Do you seriously believe you can simply use sperm from another man and everything will be ok???
> 
> Why would a man be comfortable with his wife giving birth to a child of another man???
> 
> ...


There has to be someone that exists all the way at the end of the bell curve. Just as well be you I reckon.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Wendy35 said:


> We've had no abuse or infidelity in our relationship.


But you don't really go into what the problem(s) has been. You say you were working on communication issues and the sperm doner issue, but you haven't gone into any detail about what's been going on. Nobody can give you any meaningful advice without details.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Give him space. But more importantly, let him think you are fine with it too and are prepared to move on. Go no contact. Don’t call, text, beg or plead. He wants space, give it to him. If/when he calls or texts, respond appropriately but without any emotion. He needs time to think about what he is losing…you.

And if he does decide to move on, you will be a better person for it. Like I told my STBX, I didn’t beg you to marry me and I’m not going to beg you to stay married.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

If I was unable to father offspring naturally, I would move on from a woman that wanted kids so strongly that she was wanting to use another man’s sperm as well. 


I would rather move on to find someone that didn’t want kids and for her to move on and find someone else who does rather than raise a child that wasn’t mine.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Where did he move to?

Sometimes, the daily struggle is just not worth how it’s robbing someone of peace, so I’d give him space. But all too often, when people move out, being vulnerable can open their eyes to other people. What is he hoping to gain from moving out - decide if he wants to remain in the marriage? I hope he chooses to use the time to reflect on that, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he starts testing the waters. Time will tell, I guess.

That wasn’t wise to bring up a sperm donor, and I can see why that was probably what sent your husband packing. 

I’m sorry you’re both going through this.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

elliblue said:


> You are aware that men tend to kill their wifes, if they cheat with other men?


This is a thing?



elliblue said:


> Are you aware that babys have a natural fear for males that aren't related to them when they come closer. They start to cry as they can smell which male are related to them genetically and which not. This is a mechanism that exists because unrelated male can be a threat to a small baby if that male is stressed by a baby that is not from his blood line. Hence babys are naturally scared of males that aren't from their blood line im certain ohases of their developement.


I guess you never heard of adoption.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, but saying out loud that you wanted him to consider using a sperm donor would be it for me. I would have walked out on you as well. No question.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I don’t know the dynamics of your relationship, but saying out loud that you wanted him to consider using a sperm donor would be it for me. I would have walked out on you as well. No question.


This. You may as well have rapped him across the snout with a rolled up set of divorce paperwork.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So let me get this straight - this guy literally **** all over you and disrespected you in the *WORST possible way* by deserting you and moving out when you weren't home, and you're actually asking how to _save_ your marriage and how you can cater more to HIM?

Did I read that right?

When people are facing infertility they discuss ALL options, the fact that you brought up donor sperm does NOT justify his low-down, UNACCEPTABLE behavior.

You need to find your self-respect. Anyone who sinks to the level THIS guy sunk to isn't worth reinvesting in. THIS is how he handles adversity - by running off and leaving YOU to pick up the pieces. Gee, what a prize.

If I were you, I'd re-think this idea.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Do you seriously believe you can simply use sperm from another man and everything will be ok???
> 
> Why would a man be comfortable with his wife giving birth to a child of another man???


The sperm donor wasn't my idea. We had gone through multiple rounds of IVF before we realized that was the main issue, and as you know the process is tougher on a woman. Multiple doctors suggested it was our only option. He was initially fine with it and we had even begun researching options together. He decided one day that if the kid wasn't a part of him, then he didn't want to have kids. That was a decision that HE made for us, and guess what, even though I wasn't happy with the decision, I went along with it for US. Even though I could still have kids on my own, I have accepted that we will not have kids because that's the card life has dealt us via my spouse and that's what he wants. Hope that explanation would make you less critical.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Tdbo said:


> This. You may as well have rapped him across the snout with a rolled up set of divorce paperwork.


Her husband is obviously sterile. Donor sperm is an OPTION when you're facing being childless.

She accepted the fact that his ego won't allow them to have a child using an alternative method. He should be glad she didn't leave HIM for being sterile and instead, is willing to sacrifice not being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth. But by all means, let's all CRY over the fact that the poor 'victim' got his little ego hurt so it was OK to desert his wife and then brag to her later on that he "finally got the courage to leave." Big man. 

The OP having brought up the idea of them using donor sperm is _*NOT*_ justification for his cowardly, low-down, snake-like behavior of running out of the house like a damned coward when she wasn't home. That's *despicable*.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

LEB9 said:


> I have experienced something similar yesterday. Out of the blue (relatively) my husband decided to leave. He has gone to his parents house and despite one phone call yesterday hasn’t been in touch. It’s killing me as he’s the person I go to but perhaps space is what’s needed. Give him a few days, as hard as this might be, and then with cooler heads you might be able to communicate.


Sorry to hear that, it really hurts. For me, he had mentioned it in the past but we talked things through and we decided to work it out. It was the nature and manner in which he severed ties that hurts more. We just had date night, we had plans to do so much together in the coming weeks and there's been no awkward distance or coldness between us, at least nothing unusual. I was completely blindsided. He's apologized for leaving me and said he isn't himself. I'm not even sure what to make of it all.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Her husband is obviously sterile. Donor sperm is an OPTION when you're facing being childless.
> 
> She accepted the fact that his ego won't allow them to have a child using an alternative method. He should be glad she didn't leave HIM for being sterile and instead, is willing to sacrifice not being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth. But by all means, let's all CRY over the fact that the poor 'victim' got his little ego hurt so it was OK to desert his wife and then brag to her later on that he "finally got the courage to leave." Big man.
> 
> The OP having brought up the idea of them using donor sperm is _*NOT*_ justification for his cowardly, low-down, snake-like behavior of running out of the house like a damned coward when she wasn't home. That's *despicable*.


You took the words out of my mouth. That was exactly what happened. Sorry guys, I am probably not articulating this properly. I am just not in a good place at the moment.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

elliblue said:


> Do you seriously believe you can simply use sperm from another man and everything will be ok???
> 
> Why would a man be comfortable with his wife giving birth to a child of another man???
> 
> ...


I'm pretty sure men killing their wives for cheating is fairly rare in civilized society. Humans are not animals driven purely by instinct. Intelligence helps to control primal behaviors, thats where the civilized part of civilization comes from.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Wendy35 said:


> The sperm donor wasn't my idea. We had gone through multiple rounds of IVF before we realized that was the main issue, and as you know the process is tougher on a woman. Multiple doctors suggested it was our only option. He was initially fine with it and we had even begun researching options together. He decided one day that if the kid wasn't a part of him, then he didn't want to have kids. That was a decision that HE made for us, and guess what, even though I wasn't happy with the decision, I went along with it for US. Even though I could still have kids on my own, I have accepted that we will not have kids because that's the card life has dealt us via my spouse and that's what he wants. Hope that explanation would make you less critical.


You would likely end up with a lot of resentment at some point due to giving up your dream of having your own children. I know 8 years is a big investment of your time, but maybe this is a sign you should look for a new partner in life. It is okay for marriage to not work out and there are a million ways for that to go down, this is just yours. 

Packing up while you aren't home seems to send a loud and clear message about his commitment to the marriage, but it could also be due to him feeling like a failure. I know I would feel totally emasculated if the only way I could give my wife children was to use another man's sperm. I don't think I would up and leave without notice, but I can't say how I would react in that situation for sure. I realize it is a medical procedure, but I would feel totally like a cuckhold and I don't think I could ever look at the child as mine. I would also feel like I've failed my wife. Maybe I would need to just walk away.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Her husband is obviously sterile. Donor sperm is an OPTION when you're facing being childless.
> 
> She accepted the fact that his ego won't allow them to have a child using an alternative method. He should be glad she didn't leave HIM for being sterile and instead, is willing to sacrifice not being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth. But by all means, let's all CRY over the fact that the poor 'victim' got his little ego hurt so it was OK to desert his wife and then brag to her later on that he "finally got the courage to leave." Big man.
> 
> The OP having brought up the idea of them using donor sperm is _*NOT*_ justification for his cowardly, low-down, snake-like behavior of running out of the house like a damned coward when she wasn't home. That's *despicable*.


Woah there… chill.

totally cool with me that you would feel this way, but unless you’ve been in this situation, I don’t think you truly know - and yes, I have. It took my exwife and I two years to get pregnant through IVF. I wouldn’t wish the misery of IVF on my worst enemy. It is horribly painful.

of course the doctors brought up every single different possibility. My exwife had her issues and I had mine.

never once did my exwife bring up donor sperm. Very few men want to watch his wife get pregnant with another man’s child. Sorry, not sorry.

I’m not going to defend the way in which this man left, but I still would absolutely leave under these conditions. It’s a big difference if the wife is saying “let’s use donor sperm” as opposed to a doctor.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

Diceplayer said:


> But you don't really go into what the problem(s) has been. You say you were working on communication issues and the sperm doner issue, but you haven't gone into any detail about what's been going on. Nobody can give you any meaningful advice without details.


From my side, my husband never considered his role in any issues we had. The conversations were usually finger pointing about how only I could do better. Like I mentioned initially, our therapists had both called him out. He got fed up with with the first therapist and we switched to a new one, which he thought was equally ineffective. The therapist wanted to dig deeper into his side of things but he didn't like that and so we were done with the new therapist too. Looking back, I think he believed the ONLY reason we were in therapy was to fix me, and as long as that was the approach, everything was fine. I am by no means a saint, but I think I've been a decent wife, if I may. One of the issues he complained about was the lack of intimacy, even though he infrequently initiated love making. He never cared to explore his role in it, but he would say that me asking to see how WE can BOTH make it better was an excuse and it was me sweet talking my way out of it instead of fixing it. It was always on me to fix it. I had even started working on initiating sex and I thought we were okay. Right now I really want us back because I still believe in us, but as I consider the manner in which he left, it's going to be difficult to trust him for a while. That was extremely harsh, bluff or not. Is this something normal or is it my ego at play here?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wendy35 said:


> Hello,
> 
> We've been married for a little over 8 years (both in our late 30s) and last week I returned home from work and my husband had packed his things and moved out. *We'd been to therapy in the past to seek assistance with our communication, it helped for a bit but unfortunately my husband had a meltdown during our last session because he thought the therapist was taking sides.* When we eventually spoke that night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and he especially needed some space to find himself. He said that he'd finally gotten the courage to leave. We've been through so much together that departing unannounced like that was mean-spirited imo. We actually have travel plans together for next month! We've had no abuse or infidelity in our relationship. One challenge has been infertility, and he's refused to use donor sperm. Although that decision was disappointing, I've chosen to be okay with It. This has been really tough on both of us. *I'd like to save my marriage and work on paying more attention to his needs, but I have to also respect his need for space. *Any advice?


I bolded two parts of your story that I would like you to explain more...why did your husband think the therapist was taking sides, what was he melting down about that he didn't feel heard or validated by the therapist?
And...what do you mean you want to work on paying more attention to his needs now...what needs in the marriage are you saying that you weren't paying attention to as much?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If he does come back what makes you think it won’t be a continuation of how it’s been? According to him he has nothing to be fixed — it’s all you. Do you really want to live that way?


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

SCDad01 said:


> Give him space. But more importantly, let him think you are fine with it too and are prepared to move on. Go no contact. Don’t call, text, beg or plead. He wants space, give it to him. If/when he calls or texts, respond appropriately but without any emotion. He needs time to think about what he is losing…you.
> 
> And if he does decide to move on, you will be a better person for it. Like I told my STBX, I didn’t beg you to marry me and I’m not going to beg you to stay married.


Thanks for the advice and support. I've been doing just that, but it's getting harder for me and I don't want to break. I believe with time it shall pass and I'll be okay. My fear too is that he may push me away with his actions and I would eventually shut down completely and move on, I don't want to get to that point. 

With going no contact, my fear is that he would think that I am not fighting enough for us or not at all. Is there a reasonable time period when I can check in or should I just wait it out and say nothing until he reaches out? If he ever does and however long that takes?...


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Her husband is obviously sterile. Donor sperm is an OPTION when you're facing being childless.
> 
> She accepted the fact that his ego won't allow them to have a child using an alternative method. He should be glad she didn't leave HIM for being sterile and instead, is willing to sacrifice not being able to experience pregnancy and childbirth. But by all means, let's all CRY over the fact that the poor 'victim' got his little ego hurt so it was OK to desert his wife and then brag to her later on that he "finally got the courage to leave." Big man.
> 
> The OP having brought up the idea of them using donor sperm is _*NOT*_ justification for his cowardly, low-down, snake-like behavior of running out of the house like a damned coward when she wasn't home. That's *despicable*.


Perhaps now she is okay with it, but how was the concept presented to him?
Was it presented in as one option in the grand scheme, or the option that SHE wanted?
Was it presented in a convo between the two of them, or was that presented to him in the session with the counselor?
What was the trigger that set him off in the counseling session?
Was the idea of artificial insemination presented in the form of an ultimatum?
His behavior is simply not "Snake like"* JUST BECAUSE YOU SAY IT IS.*
There are key pieces of information missing here, precisely with the question set that I outlined above with related context that needs to be included to determine the "Big Picture."
Until such time as all that is sifted in, I'm okay with my answer.
I'm guessing that's how he viewed it as well.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I’m confused at some of the sperm donor replies I’m reading. If the guy isn’t fertile wouldn’t you want a child that is half genetically from your wife? An adoptive child is still “another man’s kid” so I’m confused. What am I missing here?


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Wendy35 said:


> With going no contact, my fear is that he would think that I am not fighting enough for us or not at all. Is there a reasonable time period when I can check in or should I just wait it out and say nothing until he reaches out? If he ever does and however long that takes?...


He already knows you don't want a divorce because you’ve told him that. There’s a saying…the more you chase after someone, the more they will run away. He’s dead set on leaving and chasing, giving him gifts, telling him you love him will not change that. He has to miss you. And he can’t do that if you’re pursing him.

You must give him space. And that means do not contact him for any reason. Wait for him to contact you. Yes, it will be tough and there will be times you will want to send him a “thinking of you” text. But it will do the opposite of what you are hoping for.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m confused at some of the sperm donor replies I’m reading. If the guy isn’t fertile wouldn’t you want a child that is half genetically from your wife? An adoptive child is still “another man’s kid” so I’m confused. What am I missing here?


Actually I wouldn't want either. If I'm going to raise a child it will be genetically mine. I love kids and do a lot of work for other people's kids, but if I'm raising them I want them to be mine. If I couldn't father a child genetically, then I don't want one. I can't say how I would react if it came to light that I wasn't capable, but in general, not something I would want.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Wendy35 said:


> The sperm donor wasn't my idea. We had gone through multiple rounds of IVF before we realized that was the main issue, and as you know the process is tougher on a woman. Multiple doctors suggested it was our only option. He was initially fine with it and we had even begun researching options together. He decided one day that if the kid wasn't a part of him, then he didn't want to have kids. *That was a decision that HE made for us, and guess what, even though I wasn't happy with the decision, I went along with it for US.* Even though I could still have kids on my own, I have accepted that we will not have kids because that's the card life has dealt us via my spouse and that's what he wants. Hope that explanation would make you less critical.


I think that the sentence in bold tells precisely what the issue is.
This was not a decision that you both arrived at together. He issued an edict, and you acquiesced to it.
He either feels the resentment of that, or senses that it will be coming in the future.
So since he cannot genetically conceive with you, he decided that the answer was to step aside and allow you to find someone with which that would be possible.
I don't agree with the way that he made his exit, but I can understand his issues and the pain he feels.

You need to decide if you want to be with him.
If you want to be with him, you will either need to be childless or adopt.
You giving birth will not be an option.
All you can do is text him and request to talk. then leave him alone.
If he responds back, you need to have decided whether you wish to give birth or you love him so much that you want him to be your person.
That decision is something that needs to come from the heart, not something that you "Went along with."
If you can't state that your Husband is a higher priority in your life then giving birth, then let him go as painlessly as possible for both of you.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When one person wants a child unconditionally and one person doesn’t want to deal with whatever it takes to have a child then ultimately one person wins and one person loses. There’s obviously no middle ground when it comes to having a child — you either do or you don’t. Many men want their biological child or no child so he isn’t unique about not wanting a sperm donor. Infertility can break marriages and it may have broken yours.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

If the donated sperm is from intercourse with another man I would have a problem, but would be fine with a sperm bank donation. Not much different than adopting while letting the woman experience her womanhood. Either is a reminder he is not able to deliver.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

happyhusband0005 said:


> I'm pretty sure men killing their wives for cheating is fairly rare in civilized society.


I guess you don't read the news much. Here in the USA is rampant, a daily occurrence of men killing women. And we are talking about a "civilized" society. 

having say that, I didn't catch is you still are in your fertile years, if you are and want children, use this opportunity to end the relationship and find someone to make a family with. After you have your first child, your present husband will only be a distant memory. Nothing in comparison with the joy of having your child in your bosom.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Fertility issues are a huge stressor on even the strongest of marriages and the strongest of people.

The fact you’ve already had a history of therapy and communication problems may be indicative that fertility issues are just too much for your relationship to withstand.

while I do understand him not wanting conceive but another man, that doesn’t mean I agree with him simply walking out while you’re out of the house.

but what I do want you to see from this is that he is not the husband and father you may have envisioned or the person you want by your side during difficult times……because he won’t be by your side obviously.

while this is painful now, It is far better to let him go now, rather than years down the road when you do have young children to feed.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wendy35 said:


> From my side, my husband never considered his role in any issues we had. The conversations were usually finger pointing about how only I could do better. Like I mentioned initially, our therapists had both called him out. He got fed up with with the first therapist and we switched to a new one, which he thought was equally ineffective. The therapist wanted to dig deeper into his side of things but he didn't like that and so we were done with the new therapist too. Looking back, I think he believed the ONLY reason we were in therapy was to fix me, and as long as that was the approach, everything was fine. I am by no means a saint, but I think I've been a decent wife, if I may. One of the issues he complained about was the lack of intimacy, even though he infrequently initiated love making. He never cared to explore his role in it, but he would say that me asking to see how WE can BOTH make it better was an excuse and it was me sweet talking my way out of it instead of fixing it. It was always on me to fix it. I had even started working on initiating sex and I thought we were okay. Right now I really want us back because I still believe in us, but as I consider the manner in which he left, it's going to be difficult to trust him for a while. That was extremely harsh, bluff or not. Is this something normal or is it my ego at play here?


you and I were posting at the same time.
See my post immediately above.

your most recent post just further supports my point - he is not suitable husband and father material even if he wasn’t sterile.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wendy35 said:


> One of the issues he complained about was the lack of intimacy


It always boils down to mismatched desire. Amazing. How many times we've seen this? Just thrown out there, casually.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> I guess you don't read the news much. Here in the USA is rampant, a daily occurrence of men killing women. And we are talking about a "civilized" society.
> 
> having say that, I didn't catch is you still are in your fertile years, if you are and want children, use this opportunity to end the relationship and find someone to make a family with. After you have your first child, your present husband will only be a distant memory. Nothing in comparison with the joy of having your child in your bosom.


It being on the news doesn't make it a common occurrence. It's like saying the news covered a bunch of shark attacks so all of a sudden it is likely you're going to be attacked by a shark. It being on the news doesn't mean theres a high percentage of BHs going around killing the WW.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

elliblue said:


> Do you seriously believe you can simply use sperm from another man and everything will be ok???
> 
> Why would a man be comfortable with his wife giving birth to a child of another man???
> 
> ...


This is very weird and/or terrible advice, don't pay any attention to it. Sperm donors exist for a reason, and they are used for a reason. If a couple cannot have children, this is a valid option, and while technically, that child was born from sperm other than your husband's, that child still belongs to your husband and you.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m confused at some of the sperm donor replies I’m reading. If the guy isn’t fertile wouldn’t you want a child that is half genetically from your wife? An adoptive child is still “another man’s kid” so I’m confused. What am I missing here?


It's a fair question. 

For me, the answer is absolutely not. I would not want to raise a child that was half of my exwife's and none of mine. Can't do it. 

An adoptive child is a choice between both partners where they agree that neither of them will have their genes in the children. I would have accepted this route if IVF did not work for my ex and I 10 years ago. 

If this is difficult to understand... I get it. I really do. At the same token, things are quite different if you unfortunately get shoved into this situation. It is not pleasant whatsoever especially if one of your main goals in life was to raise a child of your own. I personally do not care about how high up the corporate ladder I make it. I like being a good friend and caring for others that are close to me. But what I really wanted in life more than anything was to be a father - and I wanted those kids to be genetically mine. 

There is nothing wrong with other men that are ok with having a sperm donor. Totally cool. It just wouldn't be cool with me and I don't think any man can truly say what they would do in that situation unless they actually had to live it. It is pure hell. I do my best to forget having to go through that pain.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

@Wendy35
I understand where your husband is coming from. I do NOT agree with his methods of walking out, but I understand. I can see that he might have been panicked and didn't know what to do. I think he is running away from his pain. 

I recall vividly when the doctor told my ex and I that we will struggle to have children (she had issues and I had an issue as well). In that one moment, I was positive I was going to divorce. It was the last straw on the camel's back for me. We already had issues and I couldn't take this last issue. Consequently, we ended up divorcing 10 years later anyway over the same damn issues that were there prior to the children. 

What I wasn't ready for was my ex to start crying and telling me we will do everything in our power to have children. This re-invigorated me to save our marriage and make a family together. It took 2 years but we did. Things were fine for the first 4-5 years since we were so concentrated on the children. Then the old problems (that never went away) resurfaced and eventually we divorced.

I bring this up because it sounds like you all have plenty of problems already. I think your husband is in the same situation as I was. This is the last straw. The only difference is that you all are not continuing with the IVF treatments. My ex and I got lucky. Very lucky...... but all that did was prolong a marriage that was doomed anyway. If you do get past the child issue, the other issues won't just go away. They will come back. 

I understand your frustration. I also understand that your husband needs to step up and tell you his intentions with better communications instead of just running away. I am sorry this happened to you. I hope he comes back so that you all can at least communicate how to move forward whether that is together or apart.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Wendy35 said:


> From my side, my husband never considered his role in any issues we had. The conversations were usually finger pointing about how only I could do better. Like I mentioned initially, our therapists had both called him out. He got fed up with with the first therapist and we switched to a new one, which he thought was equally ineffective. The therapist wanted to dig deeper into his side of things but he didn't like that and so we were done with the new therapist too. Looking back, I think he believed the ONLY reason we were in therapy was to fix me, and as long as that was the approach, everything was fine. I am by no means a saint, but I think I've been a decent wife, if I may. One of the issues he complained about was the lack of intimacy, even though he infrequently initiated love making. He never cared to explore his role in it, but he would say that me asking to see how WE can BOTH make it better was an excuse and it was me sweet talking my way out of it instead of fixing it. It was always on me to fix it. I had even started working on initiating sex and I thought we were okay. Right now I really want us back because I still believe in us, but as I consider the manner in which he left, it's going to be difficult to trust him for a while. That was extremely harsh, bluff or not. Is this something normal or is it my ego at play here?


Honestly @Wendy35, with this post, it sounds like your husband likes to put all the blame for everything on you, and refuses to see his part in anything. My former husband was also like that, and that's a big reason why he's now a FORMER husband, I spent 4 years of marriage getting blamed, being put down, told I was wrong, and he never really owned his part in anything. A girl (or guy) can only put up with so much. Divorce is hard, but happiness is so worth it. I realize now that my XH displays naricisstic traits, and there is absolutely no reasoning with someone like that; it sounds like yours is the same way. I wish you much luck and hope that everything works out the way that you hope, but realize it'll work out however it's intended to.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Mr.Married said:


> I’m confused at some of the sperm donor replies I’m reading. If the guy isn’t fertile wouldn’t you want a child that is half genetically from your wife? An adoptive child is still “another man’s kid” so I’m confused. What am I missing here?


i would not.
Nor would i adopt or marry a single mother and raise hers. 

And i would not do any weird test tubey stuff or masturbate into a Petri dish with some kind of donor egg either. 

I know some men do, but if some gal was so desperate for a child that she would cast me aside and make a withdrawal from a sperm bank and expect me to be a doting loving father of another man’s progeny, then she would not be the right match for me, nor would I be the right match for her.
I know some men do, but if some gal was so desperate for a child that she would cast me aside and make a withdrawal from a sperm bank and expect me to be a doting loving father of another man’s progeny, then she would not be the right match for me, nor would I be the right match for her.

while I would personally would not adopt, I do see adoption as fundamentally different that using a donor.

in adoption both people are choosing to serve as parents to a child already in existence that needs a home and neither person is their biological parent. It is not creating a child with another person.

some people will not see the distinction and be ok with it. I would not be and understand those that would also not be ok with it.


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## Lynnevicious (Apr 25, 2021)

Sounds like there are some missing puzzle pieces. Have you thought about him having someone on the side?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Wendy35 said:


> Hello,
> 
> We've been married for a little over 8 years (both in our late 30s) and last week I returned home from work and my husband had packed his things and moved out. We'd been to therapy in the past to seek assistance with our communication, it helped for a bit but unfortunately my husband had a meltdown during our last session because he thought the therapist was taking sides. When we eventually spoke that night, he told me that he wanted a divorce and he especially needed some space to find himself. He said that he'd finally gotten the courage to leave. We've been through so much together that departing unannounced like that was mean-spirited imo. We actually have travel plans together for next month! We've had no abuse or infidelity in our relationship. One challenge has been infertility, and he's refused to use donor sperm. Although that decision was disappointing, I've chosen to be okay with It. This has been really tough on both of us. I'd like to save my marriage and work on paying more attention to his needs, but I have to also respect his need for space. Any advice?


You can't work with someone who goes to marriage counseling and gets in a huff because he can't ever be the one who needs some work. He's not at all willing to work or he wouldn't have done that. It's hard to change. Most people give it lip service and say they'll change but in two months, it's business as usual. Just let him go. 

I always think give someone space, BUT what he's doing is putting you on hold, would like for you to wait faithfully so he can see 1) if he can attract other women and 2) if he can stand to live with himself. 

You are wasting energy on him. Do not sit there smoking the hopium pipe. He's not willing to work on your marriage. So file for divorce and get it over with. Don't waste time sitting there waiting while he's out there doing whatever he wants to do.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

What is the backstory about prior issues and why you two were in therapy? Was it solely about the fertility situation? Seems like there has to be more to this story, especially with him saying "he finally got the courage to leave"... Courage to leave what?


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

Lynnevicious said:


> Sounds like there are some missing puzzle pieces. Have you thought about him having someone on the side?


It's possible, but he has blatantly denied it. If that's what it is, it will eventually come to light.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

re16 said:


> What is the backstory about prior issues and why you two were in therapy? Was it solely about the fertility situation? Seems like there has to be more to this story, especially with him saying "he finally got the courage to leave"... Courage to leave what?


There's definitely more... she ain't spillin the Tea


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## Nico_Jacobs (4 mo ago)

elliblue said:


> Do you seriously believe you can simply use sperm from another man and everything will be ok???
> 
> Why would a man be comfortable with his wife giving birth to a child of another man???
> 
> ...


This response is so off topic. Either offer advice to the question asked or don’t. This isn’t your soapbox.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Without going into any of the fertility issues, a person who really wants a divorce actively makes moves to do so.

So that means, they usually make some phone calls, appointments, new living arrangements, proper discussions, they start cleaning up, packing sorting etc.

Then there’s another type of person. One who just goes to stay on someone’s couch for a while. That could be their mother’s place, sibling’s place, OW/OM place. A drifter who hasn’t really grown up and never ever really knows what they want. Except that it’s their way or the highway, and they can’t handle responsibility well, or want to show their spouse the upper hand.

So now that you’ve backed off, is he actively making responsible steps? Or just playing a game where he gets to win again? Where he leaves and gets to say, “I wanted a divorce and you just went quite and didn’t chase after me”. 

We only hear your side, but it looks like some active and responsible acts have been carried out so far: IVF due to fertility issues, marriage counselling and then you agreeing to change when he wasn’t comfortable with a particular counsellor, you agreeing to listen to your intimacy issues and working on them? Can you tell us how he has made active changes? And what he has contributed to your marriage?

If he’s the type (and you really have to think without the rose-coloured glasses) to just drift along, maybe it’s time you stand back and let HIM actively decide what he wants for his life. Have you also listened here: has he clearly stated he wants out of this marriage before without you trying to make changes and hold him back?

If he wants this, stop offering suggestions, help, alternatives or any practical assistance whatsoever. If he truly wants a divorce, let him handle the adult stuff. I understand what you mean too, that he can turn this around and later down the track say, ‘well you went quite and didn’t fight for me’. These people can be draining and difficult and the bar is always too high and you’ll always do the wrong thing. But if he truly wants to separate, he’ll make a start and soon come to you with a need for practical talk. Not empty talk where it may seem like you’re getting mixed signals. 

It sounds like nobody really asks you what YOU want? What kind of a future do you want? Do you want to be a mother? Be with a man who also knows exactly what he wants and isn’t afraid to clearly state it?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your husband has complained of lack of intimacy and you have communication issues on top of infertility. I can't say I blame him for leaving. I think I would, too. And maybe he left when you weren't home to avoid a big dramatic scene. I get that, too. I think you should just maintain NC. If he wants to contact you he will.



Mr.Married said:


> I’m confused at some of the sperm donor replies I’m reading. If the guy isn’t fertile wouldn’t you want a child that is half genetically from your wife? An adoptive child is still “another man’s kid” so I’m confused. What am I missing here?


I am female, so it's different, but I've thought about the equivalent and I must say I wouldn't want a surrogate carrying my husband's baby nor would I, for example, want to carry a donor egg fertilized with my husband's sperm. It would seem like an intimate invasion, a desecration of the sacred, to carry another man's child or allow another woman to carry my husband's child.

Adoption is a whole different ballgame.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Without going into any of the fertility issues, a person who really wants a divorce actively makes moves to do so.
> 
> So that means, they usually make some phone calls, appointments, new living arrangements, proper discussions, they start cleaning up, packing sorting etc.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the constructive contribution, I needed that. 

I'm not sure where he falls but he has been staying in a hotel that he booked last minute. I don't think any planning went into this, he just seized the opportunity while I was out for an extended period that day. 

Honestly, I cannot state what active changes or efforts he has made in our relationship. I had never even considered that, because the focus has always been about what I hadn't corrected. He's at work almost 12 hours a day and is usually very tired by the time he gets home. The most important thing to him whether he admits it or not, is his career and the truth is that we can survive on just my income alone, so he doesn't even need to work so much to "provide" for us. He is a perfectionist, so he works a little harder than his colleagues and there goes time management for home. We usually have just the weekends to catch up. What I would really like, with or without children, adopted or not, is for us to live together in harmony and love, be best friends, check on each other through the day and look forward to seeing each other. Do simple things together like eat breakfast or dinner a couple of times a week. I want US BOTH to feel like we are not roommates. The issue for me, is that he thinks this is a one-sided thing but we're both equally responsible for our issues. If I feel loved and secure, respect and love for him naturally follows, although it doesn't have to be one before the other. I really want us to be happily in love, and make sacrifices for each other, so that we're not constantly pointing fingers on trivial issues. We've wasted so much time on that nonsense because of our egos. I want to be heard, where he doesn't take it as an excuse to defend himself or be dismissive, or seize that same opportunity to state what I'm doing wrong. I would in turn reciprocate. He is a kind guy with a good heart but he can also definitely do more and I know I can too. I think once WE get past this and communicate to let go of anything that could potentially build resentment WE would be fine. 

I have resisted the urge to contact him and will continue to do so, because I need him to understand his role in our relationship and take a moment to reflect on what negative impact he's made and how he plans on turning things around as well. Maybe this divorce talks or separation is a good thing, but I do not want to be held hostage because I know my worth. I miss him so much but I am almost exhausted. I am sad about the manner in which he left because it shows cowardice and it was unexpected, it scares me about the "for worse" part of our vows. I would have never dreamt to do such a cruel thing. What if I got terminally ill, would he just leave because it was too much to handle??

I don't know if there is anyone else in the picture, but I don't think he's the type. But then again you never know. We've never had any insecurity issues and like I mentioned before there's been no infidelity known to either of us.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

MJJEAN said:


> Your husband has complained of lack of intimacy and you have communication issues on top of infertility. I can't say I blame him for leaving. I think I would, too. And maybe he left when you weren't home to avoid a big dramatic scene. I get that, too. I think you should just maintain NC. If he wants to contact you he will.


"Lack of intimacy" isn't a unilateral issue. You have to be physically present at some point for intimacy. It is unfair to point the finger at one person in the relationship when it comes to that. I have initiated intimacy multiple times, where he's rejected me by asking for a raincheck because he was too exhausted. I think it's easier to blame the other party. He just wants it when he wants it and I'd better be onboard.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

How did you two see catching up on weekends and having children together being compatible or even possible? Were you willing to be the equivalent of a single mom? Would the kids have grown up healthy in a home where their dad was a tired stranger? That was my 'dad'. Tough ride, trust me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Wendy35 said:


> "Lack of intimacy" isn't a unilateral issue. You have to be physically present at some point for intimacy. It is unfair to point the finger at one person in the relationship when it comes to that. I have initiated intimacy multiple times, where he's rejected me by asking for a raincheck because he was too exhausted. I think it's easier to blame the other party. He just wants it when he wants it and I'd better be onboard.


 I think the point you missed was that the relationship has/had multiple serious issues. At some point he had to think about all of the issues and decide if he wanted to stay or go. He went.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Hmm, a hotel. Well, at some point he’ll need new clean clothes. I wouldn’t initiate any conversations if and when he does come home. If he decides he wants to talk, and if you’re happy to listen, just listen.

For now, I would spend my weekends reconnecting with friends and family (have you been hiding this for fear of tarnishing him?).

This is not to spite him or to make him jealous or change him, it’s to get your mental health in order, and to start living. Because what you’re describing sounds heartbreakingly lonely & sad.

A poster above did state he had a father like this. My mother was much the same, always too busy and tired to connect with us or spend time with us. And defensive, irresponsible and dramatic. And if we dared push her or try to hold her accountable, she’d just take off somewhere for a week 😵‍💫. It’s a lonely way for kids to grow up, so I would really really start to think if you want motherhood more than you want him. Because I’m old enough to have seen women miss out because some guy held them back, and then left them anyway.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

It sounds like he's done...I guess the ball is in his court not yours.
Wait it out and see what happens. I'm not sure there is anything else you can do except wait.

You want the marriage , doesn't sound like he does. 

Only time will tell now, Good luck


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## SadM83 (4 mo ago)

Sometimes we really need to accept that someone doesn't want us anymore. There's no point of analyzing whole marriage and who did or said what. We all did what we could with resources we had at the time. Even our worst was the best we could. It's not easy, but accepting reality as soon as possible, is the most important thing.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I’m not going to defend the way in which this man left, but I still would absolutely leave under these conditions. It’s a big difference if the wife is saying “let’s use donor sperm” as opposed to a doctor.


@Wendy35 stated in a post that she was not the one who brought of the use of a sperm donor. People need to calm down on this thread.



Wendy35 said:


> *The sperm donor wasn't my idea*. We had gone through multiple rounds of IVF before we realized that was the main issue, and as you know the process is tougher on a woman. *Multiple doctors suggested it was our only option. He was initially fine with it and we had even begun researching options together. He decided one day that if the kid wasn't a part of him,* then he didn't want to have kids. That was a decision that HE made for us, and guess what, even though I wasn't happy with the decision, I went along with it for US. Even though I could still have kids on my own, I have accepted that we will not have kids because that's the card life has dealt us via my spouse and that's what he wants. Hope that explanation would make you less critical.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Wendy35 said:


> "Lack of intimacy" isn't a unilateral issue. You have to be physically present at some point for intimacy. It is unfair to point the finger at one person in the relationship when it comes to that. I have initiated intimacy multiple times, where he's rejected me by asking for a raincheck because he was too exhausted. I think it's easier to blame the other party. He just wants it when he wants it and I'd better be onboard.


I get the dynamic. Very common. I can see what your husband is thinking... i work hard all day and then I'm tired so I don't want sex, but when I want it, my wife says no! It sound like emotional immaturity to me.


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## hub49 (7 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You would likely end up with a lot of resentment at some point due to giving up your dream of having your own children. I know 8 years is a big investment of your time, but maybe this is a sign you should look for a new partner in life. It is okay for marriage to not work out and there are a million ways for that to go down, this is just yours.
> 
> Packing up while you aren't home seems to send a loud and clear message about his commitment to the marriage, but it could also be due to him feeling like a failure. I know I would feel totally emasculated if the only way I could give my wife children was to use another man's sperm. I don't think I would up and leave without notice, but I can't say how I would react in that situation for sure. I realize it is a medical procedure, but I would feel totally like a cuckhold and I don't think I could ever look at the child as mine. I would also feel like I've failed my wife. Maybe I would need to just walk away.


I think this might be the most even-toned and well-reasoned post in this thread. It's not worth anyone's time to pick a villain here or blame anyone. Like it was said earlier, there are a million ways a marriage could end, and this is how it was for you. I'm really sorry that happened. If I was the husband, I don't know if I could handle having to go the sperm donor route. But, I would also have the courage to face up to my wife and say I was leaving, and not pack the bags and boxes and scoot while she's at work. To do this after everything had seemed to be cool for weeks is kind of sick, like he was setting her up for a gut-punch.


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## Wendy35 (3 mo ago)

Thanks for all your support. We have both decided to work on our marriage and put divorce talks on hold for now. We still love each other but he's hurt. There's so much to unpack and hopefully we can work through it all gradually with EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION. I am also going to put my ego aside for the sake of harmony. We're both Christians, so we're turning to the cornerstone of our faith. It's been rough but we're both hoping for the best. I wish you all well, and thanks again!


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