# A breaking husband looking for advice.



## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

Background information:
My wife and I are both in our early twenties. We have been dating for the last 7 years and married the last two years. We were both eachothers "high school sweethearts" and "firsts" for just about everything. When we got engaged her family turned on our relationship though mine was 200% supportive and that caused problems. We bonded over it rather than splitting apart and ended up getting married when we had decided on. Her parents have since gotten over it and everyone seems to be happy with eachother. My family loves her, probably more than me, and her family is more accepting now.

Financially we are secure. We both have decent paying jobs and just our house/various insurance to pay for. We handle that fine. We are saving money and we have no debt. I'm already finishing school and I've paid off my loans.

But we aren't happy. I don't know if it is me or if it is her or if it's something mutual. I know that I love her and I know that she loves me. I can't bare the thought of anything ever happening to her and I always want to be there to protect her.

When we were dating we enjoyed hanging out together so much that we would ignore our friends, knowing full well it was not a good practice to get into, and we could spend days at a time just wrapped up in each other. We fought and argued but not often.

But now that we are married I feel like things have changed. I don't like spending much quality time with her because so often we end up fighting about the silliest things. I feel like my attitude has a lot to do with it but I can't figure out why. After we fight and apology, or try to, I'll realize why the fight started and try not to let it happen again but it never works and the cycle repeats itself.

The friends that I'd ignored early on in our relationship are back and I absolutely love hanging out with them. I go out with them as often as I can or have them come visit our house as often as possible. They are just fun to be around. But at the same time I'm getting them back I feel like I'm losing any sort of solid ground with my wife.

To clarify: my friends LOVE my wife. And she loves them. And I'll bring her along when the situation is good (i.e: we aren't going to a sports bar to yell at the tv). It's just that 1 on 1 aspect that I am missing with my wife.

Sometimes I daydream about what it would be like to be free and not always feel weighted down by my marriage with her, even though we both love each other. I know she has done similar but anytime we've sat down to seriously talk out our issues she gets extremely depressed and breaks down at the "idea of leaving me/me leaving her."

I don't know what to do. I love her but it feels like we cannot enjoy each other anymore. We'll go a week without any sort of fight and then we'll have a bad one. Or we'll go a month or two without a fight and then a terrible week. It's awful. 

Whenever we try do more with each other than just sitting around and watching tv/a movie we end up fighting. I don't know what is wrong and how to fix it. We've had long drawn out talks several times to try and fix our relationship.

I know it doesn't sound like much but it is ruining our marriage. Our inability to spend quality time together is making me lose any sort of grip on our marriage. I need help.

QUICK SUMMARY:
My wife and I were high school sweethearts. Have been married 2+ years. We don't really get along with each other even though I am POSITIVE we both still love each other. I daydream about leaving her sometimes and it makes me feel like a monster. I don't want to leave her but I don't want to stay with her if it makes both of our lives worse.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You want to run away and to some extent you are. She probably feels ripped off that you would marry her and then abandon her.

What is this attitude you describe?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

I'm not sure where you got the notion that I've abandoned her. I've daydreamed about it but it's not something I've ever brought up to her in any disrespectful/offensive way. We've both admitted to daydreaming about it'd be like if we weren't married anymore.

I've been by her side as we've both watched our shared life together start to crumble at the edges. We don't get along when we spend much quality time together. And by attitude I meant that when we do spend time together I must have some preconceived/self defeating notion that we are going to fight because it invariably happens. So I guess I'm now naturally more pessimistic.


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## fredless (Jun 12, 2011)

You're not dating her anymore...you're married to her. She's not dating you anymore, she's married to you.

I'm of the opinion that you have to "date" your wife. It's easy to become complacent in marriage and it's easy to fall in a 'married routine.' I've been married almost 17 years and I know this to be true. You have to flirt with your wife and introduce excitement--including going to new restaurants, new places, engaging in new activities together as well as in the bedroom.

Just about every week, my wife and I go out on a date--and yes, I call it a date. We've been doing this for the last several months and what a difference it has made in our relationship. (I've made other changes in myself as well and my wife has most certainly 'appreciated' them).

I wish the 2011 fredless could go back in time and have a heart-to-heart with the 1994 fredless. It would have saved me a lot of marital stress.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You are abandoning her emotionally. You don't think she sees you'd rather be with your friends? She is your wife. Put her into the proper place, number one, and your life will get much better. And get your thoughts right, too. Fantasizing isn't helping. You have control over your dwelling on thoughts. Turn them toward you wife.

Also, it takes two to fight. Refuse to argue. 

Get into therapy if you can't do these very simple things on your own.


You sound immature. Marriage is work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> You are abandoning her emotionally. You don't think she sees you'd rather be with your friends? She is your wife. Put her into the proper place, number one, and your life will get much better. And get your thoughts right, too. Fantasizing isn't helping. You have control over your dwelling on thoughts. Turn them toward you wife.
> 
> Also, it takes two to fight. Refuse to argue.
> 
> ...


I guess I'm confused. I never said I chose my friends over her, only that they were existent in our life again. I said that I bring her along to hang out with, or have them visit at our house where she can hang out with us as well. She gets along great with my friends and they with her.

I feel like you are missing the mark rather widely but appreciate the time you took to post. So, for that, thank you.

edit: And not sure I appreciate the crappy attitude and general condescension.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Does she say, let's invite the friends over?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Does she say, let's invite the friends over?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absolutely.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Marriage counselling, STAT.

You're not single anymore. You're married. 

Question: why were her family/friends not supportive of you guys when you were dating? Please elaborate.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You never fight about your friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> You never fight about your friends?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not even once. She loves them as much as I do and that isn't even slightly an exaggeration.


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Marriage counselling, STAT.
> 
> You're not single anymore. You're married.
> 
> Question: why were her family/friends not supportive of you guys when you were dating? Please elaborate.


Her family wasn't supportive because of their percieved notions on my spirituality. I'm a Christian and so is my wife and so is her family (to the nth degree). I chose to stop attending their church (and join a different one) because of internal issues with some of the other members and they chose to percieve that as an insult and that I was a "failed Christian" and that it was the first step into dragging my wife, their daughter, down and away from God. In short: it blew my mind. Where we used to live, along with her family, you were a Church for life and any decisions made away from it were just unheard of.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What is the exact nature of these fights?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just_need_help (Jul 25, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> What is the exact nature of these fights?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't even know how to describe it. Just the smallest of things escalate quickly into a fight. "Why didn't you do ____ while I (me or her saying it) worked" can turn into an argument.


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## FullORegret (Jul 26, 2011)

I suggest you strongly think about this, she is your high school sweetheart, I walked away from a 10 year marriage over something I see in hindsight I could have worked out. I have been separated for a year and have been actively trying to reconcile for a few months now but my H is afraid of being hurt again. The grass may appear to be greener on the other side but trust me its dead..(LOL)...If you leave your W she may be afraid to allow herself to love you again as my hubby has done..there are not alot of good people in the world...If you have one better hold on buddy....do not end up like me FullORegret


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## successful1 (Jul 26, 2011)

Re: A breaking husband looking for advice. 
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## ksmorris521 (Jul 26, 2011)

just_need_help said:


> I don't even know how to describe it. Just the smallest of things escalate quickly into a fight. "Why didn't you do ____ while I (me or her saying it) worked" can turn into an argument.


It could be a matter of defenses. She may sense that you want to pull away and then goes on the defensive at what she perceives as you pointing out her failure to do something. And it may be that you are having the same expericence. You have to learn that it is not what you say but how you say it. My sister and her husband have been married for almost 10 years and were each others high school sweethearts. They get grumpy because they get into a rut. Get out of it. Take a little mini vacation away together and really talk to each other. Do you still view yourselves as walking down that same path? Do you have the same life goals? Like someone else said, you need therapy either on your own or with a professional. Good luck!


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