# Husband doesn't want me anymore?



## SuperKate (Feb 26, 2009)

Hey everybody, I'm sure this topic is run into the ground on a daily basis, but I don't know where to turn....I'm sorry this is so long. 

My husband and I have been married a little over 1 year, together for 3 years. While we were dating, sex was fantastic! It was frequent, hot, and spontaneous! 
About a year and a half into our relationship, I enlisted in the military, so we were separated for several months. Ok, it was tough, but we made it. Fast forward a year, we've gotten married, and been stationed in a small town that neither of us particularly care for.
Not long after we moved here (last April) our sex life took a dive. First it was me. I was very stressed out about life in general. So he asked me to try to work on it, be in you mood more, you know? So I did my best to do so. I didn't want him to feel like he wasn't satisfied at home. 
But now, a few months later, the problem remains, and it's him. He's NEVEr in the mood for sex. And when he is, it's always very short and to the point. His point, mind you. He used to always focus on me, and getting me to finish. Now? It's like Atlantis. A myth. It used to be about both of us.
9 times out of 10, when we have sex, I initiate it and do all the work. Sometimes I'll ask him if he's in the mood and he'll say "are you gonna do the work?" which is completely out of character for him. He used to pride himself in making me happy in bed, but now it's like he's annoyed to have to get _himself_ off.
Now, we've talked about it several times, and he says he's very stressed at work, which is true. I know he really hates his job, and is currently trying to get into something better (hard around these parts). But until he does, will we continue to have no sex? I really don't think cheating is an issue here. He's not that kind of man. 
I don't know how to get him to want me more. I've tried all the kinky things he's into, and nothing is working. In a few months I'll be going to Afghanistan, and I don't want to be at a place in our marriage where either of us is unhappy enough to cheat. I love my husband with all my heart and more, and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. But without sex, I feel like he's a roommate who shares my bed....


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## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

From my experiences with my wife, there is something more here than just the stress. Something more is turning him off. it could be that he feels inferior to you. Is he military? If so lower rank? If agrees there is a problem, then 1/2 the battle is won. Ask? what has changed in how either of us talks and relates to each other..tone,timing,topic,etc. One thing that my wife and i tried that worked was that we looked for storys on the web about sexual actions that had been submitted by others, and we read them together, from that, we each wrote our own stories that we dreamed about , then we acted them out. not porn mind you, but somethin very intimate that we each shared with the other. 

If he is depressed, then that is it. drugs will help with the issue, but not the action..I know from my own experience with the anti depres. drugs, that even when you want to, often you can't. Look for the lowest posible side sexual effects of the drug and try that...if that is what is needed. I think he is jiding something about his feelings, and most of us men are very timid about that. He may just want to try something new and different in bed, but is affraid to ask to try it. Try lists of things that each of you get from the partner, then write lists about what you want the othe to do. Compare them and then each of you try to adjust and compromise about life. 
I have been with my wife for 14 years and we have had many ups and downs, the key is to support each other in these times and show that it's ok to have something go wrong. Help him figure it out.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

I have had issues with my wife not being in the mood for one reason or another, and I will tell you that has an adverse affect on my self confidence. A lot of my frustration with that situation as well was having no say at all on either when we had sex, or what we did.

When it came back around, I will say that at first I was not up to giving it up. I had a lot of built up resentment and anger over the repeated rejections. It took me a while to start to come around.

You should talk to him if he feels any lingering resentment because of the lack of drive you had. You may just need to take the lead for a while. I am sure that he will come back around, but it will take some time.

I will say that I have a high stress job, and it can be draining. There are times that I would love to give more to my wife, but I really just don't have any more energy when it comes time to get it done. It can take effort sometimes. I think that a little understanding, and a lot of communication will get you to where you both are happy with your sex life.


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## SuperKate (Feb 26, 2009)

Thank you for the replies. He is not in the military, but I do make more than him, so it's possible he does feel inferior to me. I never considered that!
We can normally talk about everything, and every time we discuss it, it's the same thing. That he's unhappy and stressed at work. Of course I believe him, but I'm not sure how to help the situation, either. He means everything to me, so I'm sure we can get through it, it's just frustrating, ya know?


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

i wish my wife was like you, im in the same boat you are in...im active duty, i initiate everything and get nothing in return. i work all day and come home and tidy up the house, i am the bread winner for my wife, 2 kids, and mother in law. i feel like a free meal ticket for everyone. i hate to knock on my wife but, she is the most lazy person i have ever met. when i come home shes either sleeping or watching tv. its my fault that i told her that i would take care of her when she got married, im paying for it now. she has gotten waaaay to comfortable in our marriage. if she would only put a third of what i put into our marriage it would be good....oh well, if i ever get divorced i prolly wont get married again.


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## SuperKate (Feb 26, 2009)

Well, we had sex last night, but only because we had "scheduled" it ahead of time.
Needless to say, it was rather awkward, which is NOT how I want sex with my husband to be. There was a lot of hesitation on his part, and I could tell he wasn't into it. At one point I asked him if he was enjoying it, and he said "well I promised you, so..." 

This is NOT how things used to be. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but sex is important to me. I told him today that I need to feel wanted by him, and I don't. Every time we talk about it, it's me telling him how I feel, then him saying "well, I dunno what to tell you"...

MMA, I'm sorry you're in a similar situation. My husband doesn't do much around the house, either. But at least we don't have kids yet.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

SuperKate said:


> Well, we had sex last night, but only because we had "scheduled" it ahead of time.
> Needless to say, it was rather awkward, which is NOT how I want sex with my husband to be. There was a lot of hesitation on his part, and I could tell he wasn't into it. At one point I asked him if he was enjoying it, and he said "well I promised you, so..."


This sounds very similar to my sex life, too. Does your H watch a lot of porn?


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I know its hard for women in the military to manage relationship with blokes that are civvies, It sounds a little sexist but in practice that's how it works.

I was in the army for nearly 12 years and my hubby was only the second man I was with that wasn't in the army as well. The first relationship didn't last long and as for hubby well the only way it was going to work is if I got out of the army.

What I'm saying is from reading your post my guess is that sex is only a sympton of a larger problem. You only enlisted in the army last year, the first few years as a junior soldier are tough going there's a lot of pressure and your hubby is basically along for the ride.

How are you finding the military? you said you had to move how did your husband find that? How did he cope with changing career making new friends?

To be honest I'm pretty sympathetic towards your hubby. As for sex, I think its important that your husband still directs what sexual desires he does have at you. Take the pressure of for a while even if it means you lose out, oral sex is a good tool it doesn't place any pressure on him and it'll relieve any sexual frustration he's feeling. I know it puts your own needs on hold but hopefull after a while he might come around.


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## Sisyphus (Mar 9, 2009)

I'm not sure which is worse, to read your post or know that it practically mirrors my own situation. My wife and I have never had a healthy sex life but like you, I see the greatness in her on just about every other aspect of our relationship. 

I have been trying to get us over this for more than 10 years. The trouble is that I realize it's a fundamental difference and not a phase. I've tried romance, I've tried not nagging about, I've tried being direct, just about any bit of advice anyone has offered but it doesn't register. Of course, it's not a completely sexless marriage and we have two kids but like you, it is only when I am very direct or a planned event, like Thursday being garbage night, her Saturday chore may be to have sex.

My advice to you is to take care of you. I'm not going to recommend cheating but wouldn't condemn you either because I've had the temptation myself. It's not because I'm a slime ball that just wants something on the side; it's because my wife does not care enough about me to meet a fundamental need in our relationship. If I were an alcoholic, she would expect me to change for the better, or if I worked too many hours, she would want me to be more available. She doesn't want me watching porn, yet offers nothing in return. 

I'm accepting that a sexless marriage, if not because of your spouse cheating is something that cannot be fixed or changed without the spouse being willing to do so. I am contemplating separating from my wife and the reason I've held on this long is because I don't want to hurt my children with a divorce, but I also cannot tolerate them living with an unhappy father.

As you know, it's not always the sex so much as the fact they aren't really trying. Sorry to go on for so long and spill so much about myself but I guess I need to let it out. Good luck and know that it's okay to look out for you because your spouse, although he may be great in most ways, is not entirely looking out for you. He's looking out for what's convenient to him.


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## sinsasian (Jan 12, 2009)

*New Member and could use some advice*

Help, My husband and I have only been married about a year. We dated for about 6 months before that. As of now, we have sex only about once a month. Yet, (not to sound off putting) I have men that hit on me often, so I know it's not that Im hideous or anything. 

Also, I know that he does masturbate on his own often. He simply does not want to be intimate with me. Other than the sex we have a great relationship. He is romantic and thoughtful and very loving. I also know that he is not cheating or having any extramarital relationships. 

I'm not sure what the real problem is. I know he looks at porn and I have somewhat dealt with it and wouldn't mind if we were intimate as well, but we aren't. I feel like as early as we are in our relationship that this should not be a problem. I am worried about what is going to happen to our sex life in the next year and so on. 

He has made "comments" about how he is just one of those people that isn't interested "physicallY" in others. This just seems so weird to me though. 

I am worried about this leading to myself being unfaithful to him and do not want that at all. Sex is very important to me and I want our relationship to thrive in this area also. 

Any advice would be appreciated.


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## lavy (Jun 6, 2009)

Hello all,

Mine is a similar story and I'm clueless on what to do. I haven't even been married a year yet and things have gone from hot to not. We used to be intimate all the time yet as soon as we got married, sex started to slow down and now it's been more than 4months. To top it all off, she's already on 2 occassions mentioned that she doesn't know if we'll make it to a year. 

I do work a lot, but after she mentioned that to me, I intentionally started to come home early. This week, I took the entire week off and took her to Memphis to spice things up. I put us up in the Westin right on Beale Street and I thought surely that a week of wining and dining would get things going. Nothing! So, I tried the direct approach and I was told that I should have taken care of myself in the shower.

I just don't know what to do... and I can't imagine a lifetime of this! I'm just 31!


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## jada (Jul 15, 2009)

Pity reading this...Really. I sympathize you much and wish you good luck in the solution of that problem. Sorry, i can only support you but not to advise smth real...


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

since everyone here is not having sex, lets have a giant orgy and everyone can get their rocks off.....yaaaaaaaay


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## webdings (Nov 14, 2009)

As much of a good time as that sounds, I would really like to have passionate love making with someone who truly wanted me. We've been married 10 yrs and I get nothing, going on 6 months. It's much more in depth than that, but I'm too tired for the details. We just had another fight over the issue, that's why I turned here, no where else to go.


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## mugglemom (Nov 15, 2009)

SuperKate said:


> Well, we had sex last night, but only because we had "scheduled" it ahead of time.
> Needless to say, it was rather awkward, which is NOT how I want sex with my husband to be. There was a lot of hesitation on his part, and I could tell he wasn't into it. At one point I asked him if he was enjoying it, and he said "well I promised you, so..."
> 
> This is NOT how things used to be. We have a wonderful relationship and I don't want to make this a bigger deal than it is, but sex is important to me. I told him today that I need to feel wanted by him, and I don't. Every time we talk about it, it's me telling him how I feel, then him saying "well, I dunno what to tell you"...


I too can only offer you my sympathetic ear. Sounds just like sex at my house . Just out of interest are you in the Canadian military? My husband was and we lived in a small town too, it can be very limiting for the non military spouse in regards to work.

I could recommend "The Sex Starved Wife" to you to read, it does give some ideas and help and you'd almost swear they read your mind when they wrote it, helps with those "I am so alone" feelings.


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## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Well in my situation, I simply gave up trying. It really hurts being the one rejected all the time. Then when she did go along with it, I have the feeling like she is only doing it for me and that killed it even more. 

I did have times of stress and such that caused my lack of interest, and I have also used the stress of work as an excuse to avoid having sex with her simply as the attraction wasnt there.


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## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

When a husband starts disregarding the woman in his life as anything less than a precious gift that needs daily attention, nurturing and love things begin to break down. A marital breakdown is nothing less than selfishness in action. Sure there may be some dynamics that need to be addressed, but it starts when we put anything before our spouse, including our wants and needs. The husband wife relationship must be like a cocoon. Nothing must be allowed to come in, and that includes, stress, depression, porn, whatever... life will throw these things at us, but as husband and wife we must combat them together. And which ever spouse is going through whatever, he/she needs to allow the other to help and support them through it... husbands and wives, don't withdraw from each other when you're going through something. Isolation is disastrous. Open up and support and lean on each other through the tough times - that's what being a team is all about. If we are divided, than we (our marriage) will be conquered (destroyed). There's a bigger issue going on here than just the sex - find the why, and then work on it and fix it together. All the best...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

This is a thread from 2009.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> This is a thread from 2009.


LOL down the drain with my opinion then


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

A dying sex life is always a symptom of something much bigger and deeper problem(s). I am finding this out for myself. There is much more going on the just a dying sex life.. You need both need to talk about this issue and get to the bottom of it before it is to late.

If you need someone to talk to i will be here.


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