# Ever feel guilty snooping?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I've been guilty of hiring PIs with my wife. It just didn't sit well with me to think a woman with a drive like hers could possibly be loyal, but, it is what it is.

She's always been transparent with her phone/email/outings, never once lied where she was, and hence I guess I wasted quite abit of money on PIs for this "peace of mind" trying to look for cracks on the otherwise solid wall. But the worst thing is that I have allowed my wife's privacy to become compromised to satisfy my own paranoia. Have you ever done something like this?

Do you feel guilty?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I never had the money to hire a PI. I would have though. I used to feel guilty when I thought about going through anything of my XW's, so I did not. I paid for that mistake. Feeling normal non-debilitating guilt is good. It shows I have feelings and am not a cold machine. 

Privacy? What's that?


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## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Guilt for snooping? On the contrary, I was enriched by the experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Guilty? Nope. When I snoop I have always found something. I consider it a form of self defense.


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Hmmm,I think I will feel so much guilt if I snoop and there was nothing to worry about!and feeling shameful will build some anxiety that I don't like to deal with.I don't know your story but it seem that your wife is agood girl.if I discovered that my husband is spying on me it will destroy the trust / relation between us.dont break something hard to fix later on.good luck


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I've been guilty of hiring PIs with my wife. It just didn't sit well with me to think a woman with a drive like hers could possibly be loyal, but, it is what it is.
> 
> She's always been transparent with her phone/email/outings, never once lied where she was, and hence I guess I wasted quite abit of money on PIs for this "peace of mind" trying to look for cracks on the otherwise solid wall. But the worst thing is that I have allowed my wife's privacy to become compromised to satisfy my own paranoia. Have you ever done something like this?
> 
> Do you feel guilty?


How was your wife's privacy compromised? Did you hack her bank accounts?

I snooped and I'm gad I did. My fiance lied about the true nature of his "friendship" with his ex and I would have wasted my time with him. 

I find it interesting the self-righteous in these situations. I did find a lot of information about her just by searching on her e-mail address. My fiancé called that creepy. 

I pointed out to him that this was publicly available information and she knew for example, that the profiles she created of herself on meetup were public. 

I contrasted that with the fact that she asked repeatedly about our sex life; she asked him what did he see in a 50 yo woman ........ and he fulfilled her information requests. 

A woman asking about my sex life, now THAT's creepy and I told him that he should have at least given me a head's up that he was going to make our sex life publicly to anyone who asked about it. That shut him up real quick.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I have to investigate people at work. Not going to do it at home, too. If I can't trust her, I don't need her. If I aint enough to keep her around, I'll help her pack.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> I have to investigate people at work. Not going to do it at home, too. If I can't trust her, I don't need her. If I aint enough to keep her around, I'll help her pack.


So it's ok for employers to snoop on people. what do you look for in these investigations.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh, I guess I feel guilty because I found nothing. I guess I wouldn't if I found something after all when I snooped.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Heh, I guess I feel guilty because I found nothing. I guess I wouldn't if I found something after all when I snooped.


This topic has been brought up in a couple of threads now. To snoop or not to snoop. First it is a natural reaction when faced with a difficult situation with one's spouse/so. But that doesn't mean that it is a healthy or good reaction. I think to start you need to be honest with yourself about your motives. You, RandomDude, admitted that your wife did nothing wrong other than essentially being to good to be true. When you _snoop _you are essentially looking for a away to make yourself feel better about yourself by making her feel worse. In other words, your intent while snooping was to find her doing SOMETHING wrong and HOPING that she did so that you can take it to her! (Not to mention that you need to find something she did wrong to justify the guilt and betrayal.) It really is less about an invasion of privacy in the case of looking at her online activities (after all she has allowed you access to these places because she trusts you) But snooping of that kind inevitably leads to ramping up the surveillance. Because that what it becomes. Surveillance and monitering. You become obsessed with finding something out of place. Nothing on facebook? Hire a PI.

In your case you didn't find anything, right? How did it make you feel about yourself? Guilty? A little dirty? Like you let her down? Dissappointed in yourself? Realize all the time you wasted being suspicious? Hoping she doesn't find out because you know she's be rightfully ticked? Conflicted onto whether you should tell her what you did? So let me reiterate that when you snoop, and especially as you ramp up the methods of surveillance, it becomes necessary for you to find wrong doing on your spouses part to justify it all. What's worse, if you don't find something, you may convince yourself that the is duping you. You'll never be satisfied with the results because you know you did something wrong.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

If I had no real reason to snoop I wouldn't just feel guilty I think I would feel foolish or that maybe I had some issues with insecurity coming from somewhere other than my spouse.

I have snooped when I had good reason to believe I was being lied to.And my husbands behavior was odd.Before that it just never would have occurred to me .And no I don't feel guilty.He lied to me.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Fledgling said:


> This topic has been brought up in a couple of threads now. To snoop or not to snoop. First it is a natural reaction when faced with a difficult situation with one's spouse/so. But that doesn't mean that it is a healthy or good reaction. I think to start you need to be honest with yourself about your motives. You, RandomDude, admitted that your wife did nothing wrong other than essentially being to good to be true. When you _snoop _you are essentially looking for a away to make yourself feel better about yourself by making her feel worse. In other words, your intent while snooping was to find her doing SOMETHING wrong and HOPING that she did so that you can take it to her! (Not to mention that you need to find something she did wrong to justify the guilt and betrayal.) It really is less about an invasion of privacy in the case of looking at her online activities (after all she has allowed you access to these places because she trusts you) But snooping of that kind inevitably leads to ramping up the surveillance. Because that what it becomes. Surveillance and monitering. You become obsessed with finding something out of place. Nothing on facebook? Hire a PI.
> 
> In your case you didn't find anything, right? How did it make you feel about yourself? Guilty? A little dirty? Like you let her down? Dissappointed in yourself? Realize all the time you wasted being suspicious? Hoping she doesn't find out because you know she's be rightfully ticked? Conflicted onto whether you should tell her what you did? So let me reiterate that when you snoop, and especially as you ramp up the methods of surveillance, it becomes necessary for you to find wrong doing on your spouses part to justify it all. What's worse, if you don't find something, you may convince yourself that the is duping you. You'll never be satisfied with the results because you know you did something wrong.


whatever.......


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with unbelievable. I've been with my husband for 23 years and I've never snooped. The only reason I will ever snoop would be to prove something I already know and then my next move would be to exit. I can't live with someone I don't trust.


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## triggerhappy (Oct 14, 2012)

When I used to snoop I never felt guilty because at the end of the day it's my job to protect myself. Most people never volunteer what they're doing, until caught, and I just didn't want to be one of those dumb-b*tches, ykiwm? 


I feel like it's totally within my right to snoop, regardless of what the relationship status is. I see it as a sort of "maintenance", and if anyone ever had a problem with me "snooping", there's the door and the world is outside of it.

Keep in mind that every single man I dated cheated on me, even when I was loyal, hard-working, attractive, good in bed, made my own money. So now I see that as my God-given right, and there's no shame in my game. Sometimes I even joke around that I'm going to do "surprise inspections", and my husband thinks it's cute, because he's a good guy and doesn't have anything to worry about, and he loves that I love him.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RD, no, I don't feel guilty for having snooped. Had I not, I wouldn't have learned of the OW. I never had the desire to "ramp up" surveillance. Not even once. 

For the "FamilyTherapist" who posted above... somehow, I REALLY don't think RD is gonna fly from AUSTRALIA to LAS VEGAS, so there really was no need to plug your site.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

When you marry someone, you agree to
1. to be sexually faithful
2. emotionally faithful
3. to negotiate financial matters
4. to negotiate how you spend your time both free time and work related.......

in other words, you are offering an awful lot to someone, aka in investment and quite frankly, I feel that I get some unscheduled inspection rights.......

An as triggerhappy suggests, if you don't like it, tell your date upfront on the first date that you won't tolerate that kind of access from your partner even when you two are married..... there's the door KABOOM!

Hey, I bet your boss does it.....

1. monitoring your online usage
2. asking other who work with you their opinion of you even though that person may be in direct competition with you for company resources.......
3. doing background checks with and without your permission

and no one is complaining about that....


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I'm with unbelievable. I've been with my husband for 23 years and I've never snooped. The only reason I will ever snoop would be to prove something I already know and then my next move would be to exit. I can't live with someone I don't trust.


That's interesiting. Snoop to find out something you already know vs something that you THINK you know. The motives are clearly different there.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I'm with unbelievable. I've been with my husband for 23 years and I've never snooped. *The only reason I will ever snoop would be to prove something I already know* and then my next move would be to exit. I can't live with someone I don't trust.


If you are so against snooping, why do it all? If you already "know" something and are ready to leave, why go against your values to snoop "to prove" something? You already know it. Right?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I think full transparency is the way to go. But if you are constantly snooping and not finding 
anything you should back off. I think that creates another problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mavash. said:


> I'm with unbelievable. I've been with my husband for 23 years and I've never snooped. The only reason I will ever snoop would be to prove something I already know and then my next move would be to exit. I can't live with someone I don't trust.


This is pretty much my answer... If I had reason to suspect anything.. I wouldn't feel a bit guilty about snooping though, I'd be looking out for ME...and I'd have every right to... he's never given me a reason to distrust him....he'd say the same about me as well. 

I feel this way about our kids too.. If they aren't talking to me/us, giving us a Bad attitude /shady friends , might be into something not good for them...so long as they live under our roof, I'll go through their room. This too has never been an issue in our family -as yet though. 



> *richie33 said:* I think full transparency is the way to go.


 This has always been our way...long before we married even.


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## bailingout (Jan 25, 2013)

Honest opinion said:


> if I discovered that my husband is spying on me it will destroy the trust / relation between us.dont break something hard to fix later on.good luck


:iagree:



> I think full transparency is the way to go. But if you are constantly snooping and not finding
> anything you should back off.* I think that creates another problem*.


:iagree:

My spouse has snooped many times for no reason other than their own insecurity/lack of trust in others which I believe is what they learned in their childhood. In our case my spouse had a parent who lied constantly, snooped on spouse and neighbors and was the sneakiest person I have ever met. I am convinced this is where my spouses lack of trust comes from. 

I believe if you feel like something is going on w your spouse, ask them first, base your reaction to their answer on your previous experience w them (ie do they repeatedly lie etc) and then in doubt, I think it's ok to snoop to verify.

If your 1st response is to start snooping to calm your own fears, I would suggest figuring out where YOUR fear comes from. 

If I found out my spouse hired a PI before confronting me with their feeling to allow us to try to figure out the root cause and I did not feel I had done anything to provoke such a reaction, the broken trust would be monumental for me.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I've never snooped on my W because she never gave me a reason to doubt her. We have always been transparent with each other and have no secrets, so I have never checked e-mails, phone records, etc.

But I do feel that spouses have the right to check up on things. There should be no privacy (a.k.a. "secrecy") in a marriage.

My daughter has never given me reason to snoop on her, either. She has always been up front and honest with us, and I have never given her the 3rd degree. But she also knows that I reserve the right to conduct a "flash inspection" at any time.

If I thought for one split second that she was up to something harmful (drugs, weapons, etc.), would I "respect her privacy" and not look? No, I would be tearing the drywall down in her room and bringing in drug-sniffing dogs. I have the right and responsibility to know what my daughter is doing at all times.

If I owned a business, and I was ready to hire someone, don't you think that it would be wise to find out if the potential employee had a criminal background? Or if I was a school principal, seeing if a prospective teacher or coach had a record of sex offenses? By the same token, if you suspected that your employee was embezzling funds or conducting illegal activity on company time and property, don't you, as the company owner, have the right and responsibility to know what is going on in YOUR company?

And I believe it holds true in a marriage, too. I have the right and responsibility to know what's going on in my own home and family.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

bailingout said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> :iagree:
> ...


I fully agree with bailingout. If my or my wife's FIRST RESPONSE was to assume the worst and spy, then there are some deep, dark issues.

I come from a background of this type of mistrust. My parents were the type who believed that ALL kids were punks and juvenile delinquents, and that all "good" kids were punks and juvenile delinquents who just never got caught. They would always assume that every word out of our mouths was a lie, and yes, they would snoop and spy at all times.

Fortunately, this never rubbed off on me.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> If you are so against snooping, why do it all? If you already "know" something and are ready to leave, why go against your values to snoop "to prove" something? You already know it. Right?


Good point. 

Had a friend just like me. Her husband was cheating and she knew it. She never snooped or sought evidence she just left. Her stance was the same as mine why bother? It's a deal breaker so it's over. Btw she found out through clues that were right in front of her. Once she figured it out a friend/neighbor confirmed it. No snooping necessary.

Had another acquaintance who was cheating. Story goes her husband suspected but had no proof. She was banging some guy during the day (homemaker). He knew but wasn't 100% sure so he snooped. Caught her with a key logger before he divorced her. THIS is an example of what I would do. I would snoop if that was the ONLY way to prove my suspicions.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Good point.
> 
> Had a friend just like me. Her husband was cheating and she knew it. She never snooped or sought evidence she just left. Her stance was the same as mine why bother? It's a deal breaker so it's over. Btw she found out through clues that were right in front of her. *Once she figured it out a friend/neighbor confirmed it.* No snooping necessary.
> 
> Had another acquaintance who was cheating. Story goes her husband suspected but had no proof. She was banging some guy during the day (homemaker). He knew but wasn't 100% sure so he snooped. Caught her with a key logger before he divorced her. THIS is an example of what I would do. I would snoop if that was the ONLY way to prove my suspicions.


She went behind his back, badmouthed her heusband to a neighbor who could have had an ax to grind against her husand. I call that snooping.

In the second example, what if that keylogger never brought anything up. Would you have considered him wrong for even making the effort. Imagine if the cheating wife were using a computer he didn't know about, so putting the keylogger ont he family room computer turned up nothing? Would he be in the wrong again?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> She went behind his back, badmouthed her heusband to a neighbor who could have had an ax to grind against her husand. I call that snooping.
> 
> In the second example, what if that keylogger never brought anything up. Would you have considered him wrong for even making the effort. Imagine if the cheating wife were using a computer he didn't know about, so putting the keylogger ont he family room computer turned up nothing? Would he be in the wrong again?


Nope it didn't go down like that. She filed for divorce then the neighbor came forward.

If the key logger wasn't around all he'd have to do was show up unannounced. She was supposed to be at school with me volunteering but she was at a hotel. I have no doubt he knew just needed confirmation and there were dozens of ways he could have pulled that off.

My point is when people go snooping when there only clue is say they lost weight and started dressing better. That isn't enough to call in the dogs. Now add in hiding the phone, 3 hour trips to Walmart AT NIGHT, newly critical of spouse, or other obvious cheating signs then by all means snoop to confirm.

I can't tell you how many times I've started threads here talking about my marriage and they said my husband was cheating based on ONE clue. Not enough and no he wasn't cheating.

My personal rule is if I'm going to snoop I better be dam sure I'm going to find something otherwise yes I'm wrong.


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## brokin4hymn (Feb 22, 2013)

You got to follow your gut feelings. Immoral people are perfectly shameless liars. Its the nature of the BEAST. I hope that's not the case.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Guilty not really. When my wife finds out that I've been snooping she gives me the "you don't trust me" speech. Then I feel guilty ... But only for a little while.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I've been with my wife 15 years and all of my snooping has been unfruitful.
I'm so very thankful for that but I don't feel an ounce of guilt over the snooping.

I wouldn't hire a PI to snoop for me until I already KNEW she was guilty and I just needed a more complete picture.


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