# Has anyone ever overcome a persistent fetish, if so how?



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

I am curious if there are ways to overcome a long term or persistent fetish and if so what the method is?

EDIT: I am treating all fetish as similar, but for argument's sake lets say BDSM and that any fetish here is between legal and consenting adults.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

I wouldn't describe my fetish as being "persistent" (to the extent that it is absolutely required for sex), but I have managed mine with on-line materials (which I am not thrilled about), fantasy and speaking indirectly with my wife about it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The best way to "overcome" a fetish is to find someone who complements it. As in, if you want to be a Dom, then find a Sub. Without more details, it's going to be hard for someone to provide feedback.

C


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thanks for the input Farside. Do you think it helps to share it with a partner (wife)?
Do you see it the fetish as an obstacle/annoyance?


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

PBear said:


> The best way to "overcome" a fetish is to find someone who complements it. As in, if you want to be a Dom, then find a Sub. Without more details, it's going to be hard for someone to provide feedback.
> 
> C


Thanks PBear
I am talking in general really because I think fetish are similar in nature. Because they are psychological in nature, surely it can be "removed"?


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

I actually don't think a fetish can be "removed" or cured (although I have read that there are treatments). For me its not so prevalent that it interferes with my regular sex life. I do view it as an annoyance. 

Mine is also more subtle (there was just an exchange about it on this board) so I could indirectly talk to my wife about it. It wasn't "hey I have a smoking fetish" it was "you know I think its hot when you act naughty, let's do this......".


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

OK, that is helpful, Farside, thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Henri said:


> Thanks PBear
> I am talking in general really because I think fetish are similar in nature. Because they are psychological in nature, surely it can be "removed"?


Well, some fetishes would be illegal, immoral, or otherwise socially unacceptable and therefore something you might like to try to control or "remove". Snuff films, anything to do with children, etc. 

Others are very "mild", and if they were brought up to your wife, they would potentially be something that could enhance your sexual relationship. Bushy kitties, dressing up, the whole bdsm area... So it really depends on your kink and how strongly it drives your sexuality. Some people can't get off unless their partner is in their role, for example. For others, it's a fantasy they can entertain in their head. 

In any case, if its something you can talk over with your partner, I'd start there. Maybe don't throw them in the deep end of the pool, but bring it up as a topic of conversation. If its something you really want to control, you might try a sex therapist. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Unless your fetish is likely to cause you or anyone else psychosocial distress, or it is illegal, why do you feel you should eradicate it?

If your fetish is troublesome to you or anyone else, then you might consider therapy to help rid yourself of it.


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## old pilot (Oct 9, 2012)

I have a leg and foot fetish and I like it. Its harmless and should be taken as a compliment to the lady.
If the woman does not like it then don't let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. A lot of the complaints posted on here by women are totally crazy and nuts.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

PBear said:


> Well, some fetishes would be illegal, immoral, or otherwise socially unacceptable and therefore something you might like to try to control or "remove". Snuff films, anything to do with children, etc.
> 
> Others are very "mild", and if they were brought up to your wife, they would potentially be something that could enhance your sexual relationship. Bushy kitties, dressing up, the whole bdsm area... So it really depends on your kink and how strongly it drives your sexuality. Some people can't get off unless their partner is in their role, for example. For others, it's a fantasy they can entertain in their head.
> 
> ...


This is 100% true. If the fetish is something that is illegal or dangerous incorporating it is not a good idea and you should seek professional help. While I don't think it can be cured or removed, it can be controlled (and if it is one of the things discussed above (snuff films, kids.....) you absolutely should get help.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Im thinkinf if its a fetish that can be included in typical sexual encounters then just do that, dont rely or act on in solely, I dont think women would be satisfied in this manner, however you might be able to have a woman accept it and even go along with it as long as you are not taking it too far and neglecting her needs also. If however it is very strange, you will most likely have trouble getting a woman to accept it and face rejection.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thanks PBear & Farside
I have put a little edit in the first post to explain that it is legal and consenting etc. I can see your point, some fetish are different to others. I was being a bit naive when I posted and hadn't thought of the illegal or non-consenting fetishes. I am not interested in those and do not have a fetish which is illegal or harmful.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

old pilot said:


> I have a leg and foot fetish and I like it. Its harmless and should be taken as a compliment to the lady.
> If the woman does not like it then don't let the door hit her in the ass on the way out. A lot of the complaints posted on here by women are totally crazy and nuts.


Hi Old Pilot
Yes, I like women's legs, they are important to me too. In my case that isn't at the exclusion of the rest of her and I am sure I am not alone in that respect


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Unless your fetish is likely to cause you or anyone else psychosocial distress, or it is illegal, why do you feel you should eradicate it?
> 
> If your fetish is troublesome to you or anyone else, then you might consider therapy to help rid yourself of it.


Hi Cosmos
I think they can be troublesome if they are not compatible with the partner. Should we seek a partner to satisfy the fetish would be a logical next question.

I am not talking about illegal or "nasty" things.  I should have been more specific, I was being a bit naive in my OP. 



roostr said:


> Im thinkinf if its a fetish that can be included in typical sexual encounters then just do that, dont rely or act on in solely, I dont think women would be satisfied in this manner, however you might be able to have a woman accept it and even go along with it as long as you are not taking it too far and neglecting her needs also. If however it is very strange, you will most likely have trouble getting a woman to accept it and face rejection.


Hi Roostr
So it seems the general consensus is that once there is a fetish the best thing to do is to try to go with it rather than against it?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Cosmos
> I think they can be troublesome if they are not compatable with the partner. Should we seek a partner to satisfy the festish would be a logical next question.
> 
> I am not talking about illegal or nasty things things.  I should have been more specific, I was being a bit naive in my OP as PBear pointed out.
> ...


well yeah, I mean if someone has a fetish, its something they really deeply enjoy, why not give it a chance right? I know its not something thats easy to talk about with a wife or girlfriend sometimes, but I think there might be subtly ways to build up to the point where she will figure it out. Im curious now, what is it? lol


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Cosmos
> I think they can be troublesome if they are not compatible with the partner. Should we seek a partner to satisfy the fetish would be a logical next question.
> 
> I am not talking about illegal or "nasty" things.  I should have been more specific, I was being a bit naive in my OP.
> ...


I have a smoking fetish and a wife that is a non-smoker. I have made it wk. Seeking a third partner brings a whole range of other problems as evidenced by the 100 "we had a threesome and now _______" posts on this board.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

roostr said:


> well yeah, I mean if someone has a fetish, its something they really deeply enjoy, why not give it a chance right? I know its not something thats easy to talk about with a wife or girlfriend sometimes, but I think there might be subtly ways to build up to the point where she will figure it out. Im curious now, what is it? lol


OK, my post was intended really to just explore overcoming a fetish in general, but I am going to have to deal with it more up front it seems. I don't like it, but it is persistent you see. 



farside said:


> I have a smoking fetish and a wife that is a non-smoker. I have made it wk. Seeking a third partner brings a whole range of other problems as evidenced by the 100 "we had a threesome and now _______" posts on this board.


I am pleased you made it work, I imagine it was a relief and a way ahead? 

I also agree, when we involved someone else the dynamics become much greater. It like an affair to solve a sex problem, all it really does is increase the number of problems, not reduce them, at least that is my theoretical view.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> I think they can be troublesome if they are not compatible with the partner. Should we seek a partner to satisfy the fetish would be a logical next question.
> 
> I am not talking about illegal or "nasty" things. I should have been more specific, I was being a bit naive in my OP.


If your partner is uncomfortable with your fetish, and it is causing problems between you, you have three choices, IMO:- 

Try to reach a compromise with which you are both comfortable
Rid yourself of the fetish
Find someone who feels more comfortable with your fetish


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is your wife willing to play along sometimes? Two people trying to play the same role all the times doesn't work well... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> If your partner is uncomfortable with your fetish, and it is causing problems between you, you have three choices, IMO:-
> 
> Try to reach a compromise with which you are both comfortable
> Rid yourself of the fetish
> Find someone who feels more comfortable with your fetish


That's logical, thanks 
I am trying number 2 - Rid yourself of the fetish. I hope from the OP that someone might have some DIY remedies 



PBear said:


> Is your wife willing to play along sometimes? Two people trying to play the same role all the times doesn't work well...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


True. I haven't spoken about it to her but I feel it is a thorn that needs to be exposed sooner or later. We don't have any children, so in the worse case scenarios she can run off screaming and there will be minimal damage.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I view my fetishes as something that may or may not be incorporated into a normal sex routine. If it is, so much the better. Add a little twist to the norm. It's not an automatic and a special treat, if you will. 

No reason to want to hide them from your spouse or ignore them. If you're spouse isn't willing, then just use them in your masturbation Rolodex.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thanks 40isthenew20
Your clean cut approach makes me realise the over analysis that can go into these things, if left too long.  You are right, I can just go with the flow a bit more here.


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## gman95901 (May 19, 2011)

You can see a therapist and receive cognitive therapy, only if the therapist is under the impression that the fetish or partialism is coming closure to being out of control or a problem within the relationship. Most therapists will want to discuss the very nature of everything that is going on including talking to a spouse if possible prior to recommending a treatment plan....


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Hi Gman
So the solution might be in cognitive therapy. Thanks I will look into that.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

My approach to this same problem was to just 'recondition' myself by not allowing myself to get off to the fantasy (in my case). No masturbating to it, no porn and no thinking about it during sex. It didn't work.

Stop being a tease Henri, this is an anonymous forum, tell us what it is...please.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

johnnycomelately said:


> My approach to this same problem was to just 'recondition' myself by not allowing myself to get off to the fantasy (in my case). No masturbating to it, no porn and no thinking about it during sex. It didn't work.
> 
> Stop being a tease Henri, this is an anonymous forum, tell us what it is...please.


Hi Johnny, you made me laugh, it is like that I have tried everything, but it doesn't work.  I like BDSM scene, nothing extreme just the sexual relationship dynamics. But the point really is that I would like to be more vanilla because I think it gets in the way of a vanilla relationship, I highly doubt my wife would be into it.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

Henri said:


> Hi Johnny, you made me laugh, it is like that I have tried everything, but it doesn't work.  I like BDSM scene, nothing extreme just the sexual relationship dynamics. But the point really is that I would like to be more vanilla because I think it gets in the way of a vanilla relationship, I highly doubt my wife would be into it.


My fantasy/kink is watching my wife with someone else, so it is a big one to mention to your wife. I spoke to her about it expecting a negative reaction, but she was cool, with the *fantasy*. We have now incorporated it into our sex life and it has improved our relationship as a whole, so you never know. She might surprise you.

I don't see why it should get in the way of your relationship as long as it doesn't get out of control. You don't have to do it every time. 

This is a very common kink and is easily achieved and only involves consenting, human adults. Why not tell her? For all you know she is into it too and doesn't know how to bring it up.


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## farside (Oct 27, 2012)

Henri said:


> Hi Johnny, you made me laugh, it is like that I have tried everything, but it doesn't work.  I like BDSM scene, nothing extreme just the sexual relationship dynamics. But the point really is that I would like to be more vanilla because I think it gets in the way of a vanilla relationship, I highly doubt my wife would be into it.


All you can do is ask and have everyone go into it with an open mind. What you are describing is pretty mainstream stuff.


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Thanks for the responses, I think I have been a bit too hard on myself thinking I shouldn't like it and so on, so it has been helpful to have all your input


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## aston (Oct 24, 2011)

PBear said:


> The best way to "overcome" a fetish is to find someone who complements it. As in, if you want to be a Dom, then find a Sub. Without more details, it's going to be hard for someone to provide feedback.
> 
> C


I couldn't agree more


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I have no doubt that there are plenty of people willing to take your money in exchange for services that will "cure" your fetish. But I strongly doubt this will work, has anyone ever been "cured" of being gay, for example? No. Besides your sexual interests are part of you, trying to eliminate them is kind of like giving yourself a lobotomy. Take it from me, kinky sex is just better than vanilla sex. It is because the brain is engaged in a way that it isn't during mechanical "vanilla" intercourse. I wouldn't want to give it up for anything. That doesn't mean you can't have awesome and fulfilling vanilla sex as well.

Now, you have a problem because your wife doesn't know. She might be a little peeved to be finding out about this after you got married. But she'll get over it. You gotta figure out what her level of interest is. You are probably afraid that she would be completely and utterly repulsed and offended by the idea. But that is actually not very common. If she really loves you she will open her mind just like she opens her legs. Just make sure that when you do start acting stuff out that you do it in a competent way. Do your homework. Communicate with your wife. Read BDSM 101 by Jay Wiseman. Make sure to keep it safe sane and consensual.


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