# Just a Thought



## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Just sitting wondering why I has a male never learn that the lack of sex in life with my wife is most likely unresolveable . Not sure what it has to do with. Spent a life time trying to change it. Not happening. Its really what she wants out of life. I feel kinda whiped saying its her lose. When it comes down to it.Coming here for 5 yrs. reading all these post.Trying to understand whats wrong.Trying to be a better husband,A better person,
What I have really learned is its not my problem,Has nothing to do with nothing. Yes we have a wonderful home,Make good money, Handsome,Nice,Kind, The lack of sex thing is here to stay. Its her human make-up. Its not in her nature to be romantic .Not on her Radar in life. Does not matter if you do dishes, clean the house, Set and listen to hear.
Back to my point about learning something. If something is hot and you touch it you get burned and you learn not to touch it again in life. For thirty yrs. I just can't seem to learn that this female suffers from lack of desire for sex with me. Oh I feel so dumb I keep trying to fix her. Its not in the cards. Just a thought


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Just Wondering said:


> Just sitting wondering why I has a male never learn that the lack of sex in life with my wife is most likely unresolveable . Not sure what it has to do with. Spent a life time trying to change it. Not happening. Its really what she wants out of life. I feel kinda whiped saying its her lose. When it comes down to it.Coming here for 5 yrs. reading all these post.Trying to understand whats wrong.Trying to be a better husband,A better person,
> What I have really learned is its not my problem,Has nothing to do with nothing. Yes we have a wonderful home,Make good money, Handsome,Nice,Kind, The lack of sex thing is here to stay. Its her human make-up. Its not in her nature to be romantic .Not on her Radar in life. Does not matter if you do dishes, clean the house, Set and listen to hear.
> Back to my point about learning something. If something is hot and you touch it you get burned and you learn not to touch it again in life. For thirty yrs. I just can't seem to learn that this female suffers from lack of desire for sex with me. Oh I feel so dumb I keep trying to fix her. Its not in the cards. Just a thought


The difference is that with a stove, you get burned EVERYTIME. A wife typically provides crumbs every once in a while so it makes it worth reaching out again.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Now you know the situation, and there's nothing you can do to change it - it sounds like you've tried already.

What do you do next? Live with it, or make a new and better life without her?


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## Just Wondering (Dec 20, 2011)

Married but Happy said:


> Now you know the situation, and there's nothing you can do to change it - it sounds like you've tried already.
> 
> What do you do next? Live with it, or make a new and better life without her?


You know I live with it. Always day dreaming of something different. Its a cycle with me. I get burnt ,I back off from it all. Then I slowly return to the scene and maybe its ok for a bit. I keep giving all I have to make the best life for us. What a shame being nice will not get you laid. And she loves me. Sometimes I just sit and wonder how nice it would be to find another women. But I could never split up my family and grand kids. But on the other hand I would love to show up with a new women in my arms,Hugging and kissing me. And for the first time in my life getting the affection I so long for. Right now I am in a checked out mood.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Are you the best, hottest and most awesome version of you that you can be?

Have you heard of Dread? 

Have you read MMSLP?

daydreaming won't do a damn thing. Go to the gym...keep going until you can squat 500# and bench a planet. The only thing that will get your wife into sex is attraction (all things being equal)...build the attraction...the sex will come. 

IMHO and experience.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I presume you have talked to her about it. 

Some women don't respect begging husbands. I suggest pushing the issue a bit. 

But above all esle, have some frank discussions with her.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It is NO way to live. I thought I was being the dutiful, kind, loving husband in not pushing. A few times, she would instigate, but once every 3 years while I pursued all the time. I don't think it had anything to do with "how", or problems during, there weren't any. When we had it, we both enjoyed.. So I dunno about that either. She eventually found someone that excited her I guess, and I was just the dullard beta that took care of her and concerned myself with our family and future... Something has to be resolved about it though... Frank discussions led to a "I don't know why" response,, and it just sucked thru and thru. 
I want that wasted f$%$g time back..


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Yup. Ignore all the advice to take on more workload, be more romantic or give her space. All you are doing is giving her is an easy way out with no real change to the issue at hand.

When you're in a sexless marriage I can pretty much guarantee you that it will not change...ever. The symptoms may clear up but the root cause will be there to stay. Whether it's a man or a woman, once they turn off that tap their DESIRE to turn it back on is pretty much gone. So...you decide. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way or not. You can't change her. She wont change. 

Bidding time for the kids is...well stupid. But thats what I'm doing. I know its idiotic but its the route I've chosen. You've got to do whats best for you.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Yup. Ignore all the advice to take on more workload, be more romantic or give her space. All you are doing is giving her is an easy way out with no real change to the issue at hand.
> 
> When you're in a sexless marriage I can pretty much guarantee you that it will not change...ever. The symptoms may clear up but the root cause will be there to stay. Whether it's a man or a woman, once they turn off that tap their DESIRE to turn it back on is pretty much gone. So...you decide. Do you want to live the rest of your life this way or not. You can't change her. She wont change.
> 
> Bidding time for the kids is...well stupid. But thats what I'm doing. I know its idiotic but its the route I've chosen. You've got to do whats best for you.


I believe it can change. 

For a bit, I figured I was waiting for the kids to leave as well. Times have been real bad. But they have also been quite good.

Now that all my kids are out of High School, I am still around. For the last couple of months, things have actually been pretty good. I have learned how to approach her. Not to put too much pressure on her. She seems to be putting in more of an effort.

I know that it is only a matter of time until we go through a bad spell again. It will never be perfect, but I don't believe it will ever get to the point where I would want to divorce her. We have built too much together and even though our sex drives don't match perfectly, we do love each other.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Many of the worries I had about the kids if I divorced have not been an issue. Divorced almost a year ago, happier than I ever been. I was in your shoes, life can be so much better man, I found an awesome woman and thank God I left.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my ex. shut me down hard.

she trickle truthed me over about a six month period during which it was revealed;

a. she was a CSA survivor in her early years
b. her ex. husband beat her often, and beat her up on their 
wedding night according to her. 
c. she cringed at sex. said "something really bad happened to me 
sexually" this after having had enough and prying it out of her.
d. The bpd part i had to figure out on my own.

after that i gave up for sure. why did she marry me then? she needed a knight in shinning armor to take care of her and like david hannun once said "there's a sucker born every minute".

she was real pretty........what can i say?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Just Wondering said:


> You know I live with it. Always day dreaming of something different. Its a cycle with me. I get burnt ,I back off from it all. Then I slowly return to the scene and maybe its ok for a bit. I keep giving all I have to make the best life for us. What a shame being nice will not get you laid. *And she loves me*. Sometimes I just sit and wonder how nice it would be to find another women. But I could never split up my family and grand kids. But on the other hand I would love to show up with a new women in my arms,Hugging and kissing me. And for the first time in my life getting the affection I so long for. Right now I am in a checked out mood.



see bolded.
no she doesn't. not the way a wife should, anyway. that's an essentail part of marital love. sorry to be blunt but I don't believe anyone should sustain a loveless marriage.


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