# Children - how to minimize trauma for them



## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

Daughter - almost 8. How do I ensure that trauma ensuing out of an impending breakdown of marriage is minimized for her. 

Back story - WW had a A 3 years ago. Got TT, A writeup and all the usual **** for about 6 months. Reluctantly did some MC and dropped midway. Have been trying to R (forget, forgive?) but I feel that I'm spending enormous amount of mental energy trying to understand, rationalize (?), rage and whatnot. There hasnt been a A discussion in a long while and for all practical purposes, for WW, the A is skill-fully rugswept. I feel stuck and in a rut and feel that a formal breakdown is a mere formality (No sex for long time - we sleep in diff rooms, partial 180, etc.). My key focus is to minimize the impact on my super sensitive daughter. Can someone enlighten on what impact will an understanding of her mother's infidelity have on my daughter's character and perspective towards relationships. I dont want to screw her life.

Thanks,
GG


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

IF you're sleeping in separate rooms and you are doing the 180, I have to figure your daughter already knows something is going on.

How old is she? Any other siblings? Do you think you can divorce and stay amicable?


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

Chris Taylor said:


> IF you're sleeping in separate rooms and you are doing the 180, I have to figure your daughter already knows something is going on.
> 
> How old is she? Any other siblings? Do you think you can divorce and stay amicable?



Daughter is almost 8. Yes, she senses something is wrong (obviously) but I dont think she understands it fully. No siblings although WW has been trying to discuss how important it is for her to have siblings >

Yes, I think we would want to stay amicable. I dont hate her. I just feel indifferent and disrespected.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

GreyGhost said:


> Daughter is almost 8. Yes, she senses something is wrong (obviously) but I dont think she understands it fully. No siblings although WW has been trying to discuss how important it is for her to have siblings >
> 
> Yes, I think we would want to stay amicable. I dont hate her. I just feel indifferent and disrespected.


Do you want her to think that the current situation is normal? If so, continue to do what you've been doing. She will grow up to have a string of boyfriends who will cheat on her and she will suffer through the loveless relationships just as you are doing right now.

Personally, I think every day she lives in this denial-filled environment will do more damage than an actual divorce.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

GG,

Telling your daughter the truth will help her process what is going on and most importantly not blame herself for the unhappiness of her parents.

You need not tell her the minute details, but telling her that Mom had a boyfriend when she should not have, and who the OM is will be enough.

There is a also a good chance your daughter overheard a conversation between your WW and the OM/OMs, or even saw they together. When people are in the fog of an affair they do the most reckless things.

Is the OM/OMs someone even remotely involved in your daughters life?

The AFFAIR harmed your daughter not telling the TRUTH!

Tamat


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

I like your username. I use Grey Ghost headphones.

So your daughter is 7 going on 8 years old (why do people not read the original post?). She is WAY too young to comprehend any explanation about your wife's affair now, as I am sure you know. As she gets older she will put 2 and 2 together and figure it out. I think at that point (or preferably right before it, if you can) you should talk to her about things as TAMAT said.


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## mistakesweremade (Aug 15, 2016)

Why would you tell an 8 year old details of an affair? That to me seems like something a BS would do in order to be the favored parent. 

If you truly want your child to come out of this with the minimal amount of trauma, show her that you and your wife can work together as a team, in different homes or rooms, but that your goals for her are the same. You want her to be happy, to feel safe and to feel loved.


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> GG,
> 
> Telling your daughter the truth will help her process what is going on and most importantly not blame herself for the unhappiness of her parents.
> 
> ...


Yes, I think on these lines too - from what I've learnt. Children of divorce (esp who are young) somehow attribute the breakup to them and have a subconscious guilt. There's no chance that my daughter was exposed to OM or their conversation. My wife used to "work over" at the POSOM's place and there wasnt a place or event where they could have been together. I just dont have the heart to tell my daughter and break her heart. Sometimes I feel that a friend or IC might show me the mirror and tell me that my daughter's well-being is a lie that I tell to myself to hide from necessary change. I dont know.


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

KillerClown said:


> Do you want her to think that the current situation is normal? If so, continue to do what you've been doing. She will grow up to have a string of boyfriends who will cheat on her and she will suffer through the loveless relationships just as you are doing right now.
> 
> Personally, I think every day she lives in this denial-filled environment will do more damage than an actual divorce.


Is it that straight forward? The way I see it is that this way I atleast have some influence over her upbringing.


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

mistakesweremade said:


> Why would you tell an 8 year old details of an affair? That to me seems like something a BS would do in order to be the favored parent.


For an 8 yo I would not be talking about affairs or right and wrong, it would have to be all about "mummy and daddy both love you dearly but are not happy together." There will be time for the truth in the future. Having said that, I did hear about a father who took this approach and instigated the divorce, and his two daughters hated him for years blaming him as they had no idea why he divorced their wayward mother. That's not fair either.

Well I have the same dilemna but with older kids, 12 and 15. The 18 yo already knows about his mother's affair due to who the OM was, but I am currently debating whether I tell the younger kids if my wife and separate. I know my wife is dreading me doing so because our I suspect our daughter will be horrified by what she has done and with whom. Given the **** that I've been through and my wife's denial that her waywardness will impact the kids too, that kind of pleases me as a way of slapping her in the face but clearly that is just malicious and not taking the best interests of the children into account.

The other motivation in telling the kids would obviously to make it clear that I'm not the bad guy in the marriage meltdown, I'm also a victim of what she did to our marriage. But it still comes down to poisoning their relationships with their mother, so not a good thing for the kids.

At least I don't have to explain it to the dogs......:smile2:


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

TAMAT said:


> GG,
> 
> Telling your daughter the truth will help her process what is going on and most importantly not blame herself for the unhappiness of her parents.
> 
> ...


Yes this is the proper thing to do. 

Do it in an age appropriate manner.

If you lie or lie by omission your kids will resent you.


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

Florida_rosbif said:


> For an 8 yo I would not be talking about affairs or right and wrong, it would have to be all about "mummy and daddy both love you dearly but are not happy together." There will be time for the truth in the future. Having said that, I did hear about a father who took this approach and instigated the divorce, and his two daughters hated him for years blaming him as they had no idea why he divorced their wayward mother. That's not fair either.
> 
> Well I have the same dilemna but with older kids, 12 and 15. The 18 yo already knows about his mother's affair due to who the OM was, but I am currently debating whether I tell the younger kids if my wife and separate. I know my wife is dreading me doing so because our I suspect our daughter will be horrified by what she has done and with whom. Given the **** that I've been through and my wife's denial that her waywardness will impact the kids too, that kind of pleases me as a way of slapping her in the face but clearly that is just malicious and not taking the best interests of the children into account.
> 
> ...


Thanks for sharing. I'm less concerned about whose version does my daughter believe or hold me responsible for shattering her world. How will she handle her world falling apart?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

GreyGhost, I’m sorry you are going through the same crap that I did. I also got to a point with my XWW where I couldn’t deal with her lack of remorse and rug-sweeping anymore or her inability to put in any effort into R.

Like you, I was also worried about my kids and how they would be affected divorce. I was also worried about how they would be affected by the truth of what their mother did. I decided that I didn’t want to tell them about her cheating. At the time, I felt they were a little young to really understand. When they got older, and wanted to know more details, I would tell them then. I also told XWW if they wanted to know more, I would not lie for her. 

Here is what I did.

I sat them down, with XWW present, and told them that their mother didn’t love me or want to be married to me anymore and we had to get a divorce. XWW responded “that’s not true” I then asked her if she wanted to tell them some other truth? She backed down. I also told the kids that I had tried everything to change her mind and keep our family together. I told them I loved them more than anything and never wanted this for them. I made sure to tell them that this is what their mother wanted. 

I did not tell them she was cheating but I laid the blame for breaking up our family squarely on her…where it belongs. I wanted them to know who was responsible but I didn’t want them to hate her. 

That was almost 4 years ago. It seems like yesterday. A couple years ago, my son decided we wanted to live with me 100%. He left all of his stuff there and never went back. My daughter is with me about 75%. She does not like going over there and drags her feet looking for any excuse to stay. She wants to stay with me 100% but she doesn’t want to hurt her mother. I leave that decision up to her and I support whatever she wants to do. They both seem to be doing ok. The key for me is to spend lots of quality time with them and make sure they know they are loved.

I have never told them the whole truth about XWW, and they have never asked. I have simply let XWW be responsible for her relationship with the kids, and I am responsible for mine. I stayed out of it completely. Kids are smart, they began to see her for who she is…without a word from me.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Decimated said:


> GreyGhost, I’m sorry you are going through the same crap that I did. I also got to a point with my XWW where I couldn’t deal with her lack of remorse and rug-sweeping anymore or her inability to put in any effort into R.
> 
> Like you, I was also worried about my kids and how they would be affected divorce. I was also worried about how they would be affected by the truth of what their mother did. I decided that I didn’t want to tell them about her cheating. At the time, I felt they were a little young to really understand. When they got older, and wanted to know more details, I would tell them then. I also told XWW if they wanted to know more, I would not lie for her.
> 
> ...


See this was an excellent way to handle this with young children involved.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

GreyGhost said:


> Is it that straight forward? The way I see it is that this way I atleast have some influence over her upbringing.


You will not have ANY influence over her life if she considers you a liar. She will eventually figure out why you are sleeping in an another room. If you do not make it clear to her that what your wife did is not acceptable to you then she will consider you complicit or at least acquiescent in the infidelity.

If you choose not to divorce your wife at least stop living a lie and create a home for your child that is not deceptive.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

GreyGhost said:


> Daughter is almost 8. Yes, she senses something is wrong (obviously) but I dont think she understands it fully. No siblings although WW has been trying to discuss how important it is for her to have siblings >
> 
> Yes, I think we would want to stay amicable. I dont hate her. I just feel indifferent and disrespected.


Don't even think about it. Your "reconciliation" is not one.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

GreyGhost said:


> Daughter - almost 8. How do I ensure that *trauma ensuing out of an impending breakdown of marriage is minimized for her. *


Want to minimize trama. Actually get the divorce. Few dynamics in a family are worse than living is a ice cave with parents who underneath the surface, hate and despise each other while trying to put on a show. That will screw up a kid(s) much worse than a divorce.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You tell the truth but not all the details.

You say you are getting a divorce because your mother was unfaithful. 

This is a teachable moment on a few fronts. 

One it lets her know that bad actions have consequences
Two that abusing your partner is not to be tolerated either giving it or taking it
Three that you are doing what is best for you and her since her mother drove this off the tracks.

Leave out who the affair was with, where it took place and so on


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## Florida_rosbif (Oct 18, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> You say you are getting a divorce because your mother was unfaithful.


I like the candour and the associated moral lessons but, though kids get more precocious with every generation, I wonder if an 8 yo will understand what "unfaithful" means? I suppose any tricky questions could be dealt with by the explanation that she had a secret boyfriend.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Florida_rosbif said:


> I like the candour and the associated moral lessons but, though kids get more precocious with every generation, *I wonder if an 8 yo will understand what "unfaithful" means?* I suppose any tricky questions could be dealt with by the explanation that she had a secret boyfriend.


The bold is exactly why I avoided using words like unfaithful and infidelity and cheating with my son. Instead, I told him that his dad had girlfriends, and married men weren't supposed to have girlfriends other than their wife. His dad didn't want to stop having girlfriends. So, we had decided it would be best if dad could be single and have as many girlfriends as he wanted without hurting me anymore. Then I went on to cover the basics of where things stood - we were getting a divorce, we both still loved him, he and I would be moving into a new house that we'd shop for together, he would get to spend time with both of us every week and nothing would change with his school, his friends, or his other family.

IMO, what children want most is stability. They want to know what will be changing in their world and what will not be. Focusing on the things that will not be changed by the divorce usually helps kids feel more comfortable.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Florida_rosbif said:


> I like the candour and the associated moral lessons but, though kids get more precocious with every generation, I wonder if an 8 yo will understand what "unfaithful" means? I suppose any tricky questions could be dealt with by the explanation that she had a secret boyfriend.


Well I was explaining that to his benefit. How I would say it to my daughter is when your mom and I got married we made promises and vows to one another. One of those is that we would love only one another and she didn't keep that promise. When someone does something wrong and they knew it was wrong that has consequences. In this case it means we can't be together anymore because of the poor choices she made.

Hopefully that makes more sense


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Yeah, not-even-8 seems a bit young for any explanation involving infidelity :/

My WH's parents broke up bc of his father's cheating when he was 11. His folks got him started with a family counselor prior to announcing the impending divorce and that really helped him maintain a close bond with both parents. He didn't learn of the A until a few years later, and he was still seeing the counselor monthly or so, so that professional was able to help everyone process and discuss.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

Decimated said:


> GreyGhost, I’m sorry you are going through the same crap that I did. I also got to a point with my XWW where I couldn’t deal with her lack of remorse and rug-sweeping anymore or her inability to put in any effort into R.
> 
> Like you, I was also worried about my kids and how they would be affected divorce. I was also worried about how they would be affected by the truth of what their mother did. I decided that I didn’t want to tell them about her cheating. At the time, I felt they were a little young to really understand. When they got older, and wanted to know more details, I would tell them then. I also told XWW if they wanted to know more, I would not lie for her.
> 
> ...


Thanks decimated. Very mature way of handling things. I have to follow this non-hysterical way of handling the dissolution.


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## GreyGhost (Dec 20, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Want to minimize trama. Actually get the divorce. Few dynamics in a family are worse than living is a ice cave with parents who underneath the surface, hate and despise each other while trying to put on a show. That will screw up a kid(s) much worse than a divorce.


Funnily, I see this playing out in front of my eyes. After the exposure of her A to her parents, I got to know from her that her father had cheated on her mother and that's a huge reason for her terrible relations with her father. Her mother is a classic rug sweeper, passive-aggressive and my wife (and her brother) hold their father squarely responsible for the condition their mother finds herself in. I've seen some ugly spats between my wife and her father and there are deep daddy issues which I believe furthered her character flaws.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Want to minimize trama. Actually get the divorce. Few dynamics in a family are worse than living is a ice cave with parents who underneath the surface, hate and despise each other while trying to put on a show. That will screw up a kid(s) much worse than a divorce.


This needs to be a) your signature and b) stickied at the top of every forum on this site.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

When I told my kids I was getting divorced they were 6 and 8, and far to young to understand what an affair was. So I sat down with my XWW and the kids and told them we were getting divorced and that it had nothing to with them, and that both parents loved them very much but just couldn't stay married anymore. When they asked why I just told them it was mom and dad problems, and they were too young to understand. Eventually I'll tell them the whole story, but not before they are teenagers and can understand. 

There is a book called "How to talk to your children about divorce" that I read before I had the conversation with them. It was only an OK book and a lot of the info in it can be found when you take the parenting class that most states require as part of the divorce process.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

veganmermaid said:


> Yeah, not-even-8 seems a bit young for any explanation involving infidelity :/
> 
> My WH's parents broke up bc of his father's cheating when he was 11. His folks got him started with a family counselor prior to announcing the impending divorce and that really helped him maintain a close bond with both parents. He didn't learn of the A until a few years later, and he was still seeing the counselor monthly or so, so that professional was able to help everyone process and discuss.
> 
> Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


Counselling might be a good option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

GreyGhost said:


> Have been trying to R (forget, forgive?) (No sex for long time - we sleep in diff rooms, partial 180, etc.).


Sorry but that's not really trying to R, you are just ambivalent and perhaps WW not doing enough to help you deal with it.....I found myself like this for almost a year, then realized to truly R you have to go all in....and really try, hard....yes it does suck and it's difficult work, not for everyone, good luck with whatever you do and your daughter


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

What's important here is that you are teaching your child. Teaching is much more than words. It's about how we live and interact. What things do you think your daughter is learning by living in a home with two parents who sleep separately and show no real love? 

A broken home does not mean your child must suffer. You can divorce, explain the general situation to her, but remain civil. Both you and your wife can meet someone new and have a loving relationship. It doesn't have to be all negative. Step parents can be a real blessing too.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

GreyGhost said:


> Is it that straight forward? The way I see it is that this way I atleast have some influence over her upbringing.


A little background ... my children were younger than yours when I D'd their mother, and I learned quickly, and grudgingly accepted, that I had no say in what or who their mother did ... and she did a lot. I could only control what I did and how I parented them as an every other weekend Dad. This was back in the 80's and I now have the benefit of hindsight in seeing them grow into stable, contributing members of society with their own kids now, and both of them seem to be better parents than either their mother or I was.

They had virtually polar opposite parents for role models. However, I tried to always be honest with them, do the right things ... I didn't always succeed and you won't either, so don't beat yourself up when you aren't super Dad ... didn't bash their mother's poor choices or parenting and just be the most consistent ME that I could be. They never really talked about it at the time, but they had 2 distinct lifestyle options to follow and both of them chose to come live with me at around 13-14 when they could make that decision for themselves. After the kids left their mother, she finally got her life together around age 40 and M'd a pretty decent guy that treats the kids and grandkids very well, but she sure exposed them to a string of uber losers and terrible life choices early on.

I don't write those things to scare you, but to prepare you for the inevitable conflict that comes from seeing your children exposed to negative things that you can't protect them from, and to illustrate that if you remain the consistent, stable, rock ... kids are pretty adaptable to change and if you do your part, and show them the way, they can even make better decisions than we have.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The worst thing I did when my marriage fell apart was NOT be more honest with the kids. 
They need to know at least one parent will not lie to them.


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