# Advice needed, please!



## FlaMom (Oct 11, 2008)

I am so grateful to have found this website the other day. It has been such a relief to read that I am not alone and going crazy in my marriage. I have been so hesitant about opening up to friends and family about my problems. The advice and support that I have read here has been amazing.

I have been married over 9 years to basically a great guy. Generally, we get along very well and hardly ever fight. He has been my best friend. But I unexpectedly caught him 5 years ago emailing women on those internet dating sites. He admitted to being addicted to porn and having at least two one-night stands.

I was crushed. We went to counseling for 2 years and he still goes to a group meeting. It has been very difficult for me. I used to lie in bed fuming because I was awake in the night worrying about our future and he was snoring beside me with not a care in the world.

I stayed with him because we have young children. That's the bottom line. Their well-being is my top priority. Both my husband and myself grew up in broken homes. I HAVE to remain objective and at my best for them.

I have fairly solid reason to believe he is flirting with someone through work. He is deleting his texts on his phone. I don't want to get into it all but pieces are coming together. Last week, I talked to him about general concerns about making sure we stay focussed on our marriage and kids. He agreed. He said that he would never do anything to jeopardize our family. 

There is no point in confronting him. In my mind, it's either I leave him or somehow get my mind around the idea of ignoring it. Is that realistically possible? This behaviour must be something he really wants to engage in to risk his family like this. He is an excellent father and a generally supportive husband. This is one of the most important decisions I will make. I am so scared of doing the wrong thing. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Yes you have many options and I am sure many wonderful people will point out the things I do not.

You can work on your marriage under a contract that he leads a transparent life including no deleted text messages.

You can ignore it and live like roomates until the children are out of the house. Chances are this will drive him to lie and cheat again.

You can seperate or divorce. An option you stated you don't want.

Every option you have and make can work if you go into it right.

Now if you forget about what has happened and ignore what you think is happening then how can you be focusing on the marriage and or the kids?

draconis


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

How about you text your husband and sometimes drop by his work unexpectedly to spend lunch together or drop off lunch or to give him a hug and a kiss. It's very unexpected, but once you do this it'll keep him on his toes. Do not only show up when -EVER he states a time and date, because that just leaves him room for leeway.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You can stay with him and tolerate his behavior, but that won't be without consequences either. He will continue to lie and cheat. And because you tolerate it, he will get bolder with his activities. It will turn into a loveless marriage. You're going to become unhappy and bitter. It won't be a happy home for the children. Perhaps try counseling again with a different counselor.

I certainly feel your pain.


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## FlaMom (Oct 11, 2008)

Thank you all for your replies. I appreciate your time and interest. Yes, I agree, 827Aug, about becoming bitter. I am already unhappy. It has been a strain to move on from the damage caused 5 years ago but I have done it. Now, here we go again. I think he is a sociopath to be able to give me such loving assurances and still engage in this behaviour. Who can pull that off? He does it very well. It would be so much easier if he were an ***hole.


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## MEM (Sep 15, 2008)

Hi Flamom, I believe you need a good sit down with your hubby, and talk about what you both expect from this marriage. You need to this in a gentle environment. Ask one another what needs are not getting met and what each other's goals are. Be truthful and honest and hopefully he will be the same. Don't give up on it until you give it your best shot.

Sometimes, I think, the best marriages are the ones that have gone through trouble and strife and still flourished. Look upon this time as the time to learn about one another.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

FlaMom said:


> It has been very difficult for me. I used to lie in bed fuming because I was awake in the night worrying about our future and he was snoring beside me with not a care in the world.


I know this feeling all too well. It has been one of the hardest things for me to handle. My H has never lost a minute of sleep over any problems in our marriage, including when I've left him. BUT there was one night (and this was years ago) that he actually stayed up all night- that he actually LOST sleep over- a video game. OMG! Can i tell you how crushed I was. He told me he couldn't sleep because he was so bugged that he couldn't beat the game and stayed up all night thinking about it. Wow. i was crushed- even more.



FlaMom said:


> There is no point in confronting him. In my mind, it's either I leave him or somehow get my mind around the idea of ignoring it. Is that realistically possible?


No, its not possible to ignore. What'll happen is you'll bottle it up and one day you will explode, or implode which is worse. Validate your self-worth by telling him how you feel. Keep talking to him. I know it sucks, and you feel vulnerable and pissed off, but you need to get it out on a daily basis when you feel it. Its not for him. Its for you. 

But I would also say to learn how to make yourself happy aside from him. Remember that he's just a guy, with his own slew of problems (big one's as it sounds), and he certainly doesn't know what he's doing anymore then you do. He's just human. Remember to take care of yourself and your own happiness.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> I know this feeling all too well. It has been one of the hardest things for me to handle. My H has never lost a minute of sleep over any problems in our marriage, including when I've left him. BUT there was one night (and this was years ago) that he actually stayed up all night- that he actually LOST sleep over- a video game. OMG! Can i tell you how crushed I was. He told me he couldn't sleep because he was so bugged that he couldn't beat the game and stayed up all night thinking about it. Wow. i was crushed- even more.


This sounds sooooo familar! It used to make me so angry!


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