# How long do you wait???



## cheermom (Feb 23, 2009)

My husband of 14 years left our home in November 2008. It is now almost March and he still has not returned. He said he was tired of fighting and the he felt he was not good enough for me. He said, I made him feel that he did not do enough. Most of the things he listed were small...I nagged him about not finishing the kitchen walls that I had painted a year before. The bathroom tub had a yellow stain on the tile for a week...I complained about him smoking in the truck. He nagged to and we never discussed ending it for real. I did accuse him of cheating on me. I found receipts for a restaurant when he told me he was somewhere else. He became very distance and when I asked where he was, he got defensive. I should not have accussed him. 

Is he going through a mid-life crisis (he just turned 40)? Did he really meet someone who makes him happy? Does he really just need a break?

I did not realize he was so miserable in our marriage. He did not even tell my daughter and I he was moving out. He told me he was miserable and did not want to be there. I cried and begged him to stay. He started staying away a few nights a week, then one day he took his stuff and did not come back. He told me he was going to stay at a friends. This was through Thanksgiving and Christmas. He came over Christmas morning but left after 2 hours to go back to his friends house. He is renting a small house from another friend now. My 11 year old is crushed. My 11 year old daughter calls him twice a day, once to say goodmorning and once to say goodnight. She does most of the calling. He tells her he loves and misses her, but barely sees her. Maybe one sunday a month. He told her he needed to fix himself and he could not do it if he needed to worry about her and mommy.

He told me that It was my choice to wait. If I did not want to wait for him that was ok. He needed to fix himself and see if we should be together. So, I decided to wait..I had no idea I would wait this long. He never wants to discuss the "us". It makes him mad. He has lost his job and I am paying all the bills, he can barely pay his new electric bills and asks me for loans. I admit, I give it to him at times. I know this is crazy, but I love him. Before he left, we had purchased a new vehicle, he has it, I pay for it. If he still lived at home, of course I would do this. Some say I am being played. He is stringing me along until he gets back on his feet.

He told me it is better to be alone than to be at home with arguing. I don't understand, we did argue but not everyday. He is holding on to every bad thing and forgetting the good. 

Some days I do nothing but cry...I try to hide it from my daughter ,but I don't want her to think this is ok. I never want this to happen to her. My friends don't understand, they tell me to move on. I know I should, but I just cant.

How long do I wait for him to come home? Should I even allow this man to come home?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have you thought about writing a well written letter to him telling him all this stuff and reminding him of the good stuff?

draconis


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

CheerMom:

I can understand the pain you're going through. It will take time and you'll have good days and bad days, regarding your husband separating from you and your daughter. Take care of yourself and surround yourself with supporting friends and/or a pastor. Getting counseling for yourself and or reading self help books will also help you get through this painful time. 

I hope everything can work out for you and you're husband, but if not, prepare yourself mentally to move on.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I can really relate to your situation! You should read some of my post from 2008. My "ex to be" moved out of our house in April and isn't coming back. I have gone thru the stuff you have plus more. My counselor told me to give it until January then move on. The counselor and the lawyer also told me to stop paying any of his bills. If they want to live their own life, then they should be able to live within their means. Also, my husband wouldn't even go to counseling.

The other person posting ahead of me (sorry I can't remember name) gave you some very sound advice. That's what I have done! Individual counseling is great when in a situation like this. I know it is very hard now, but things will get better when you work on yourself. I'm actually looking forward to hunting someone who is right for me.

This forum is also a great place to find support and encouragement!

Best of luck!


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