# I need some help...



## WhoAmI80 (Jul 22, 2014)

This is my first post, so pardon me if I don't use the lingo just yet. 

My story, DH and I have been together for a total of 10 years, 1 daughter. 

7 years ago, DH did the I love you but I am not in love with you and walked out. Told me he was going for a drive and didn't come home until the next day. I found out he was seeing a girl he worked with and he saw her approx 6 months after we split and he came running back as soon as he noticed me getting my life back together. I took him back eventually, we did not seek any type of counseling, just did a lot of talking about everything. 

Fast forward 

4 years ago, I found out he was having EA with a friend of his out of state. He was supposed to end it. I forgave him. 

Off and On since these times I obviously have things that trigger my trust issues. He's never shown signs of having another until recently. He lost a bunch of weight, looks good, feels better about himself, he is dressing much nicer, grooming is important and suddenly about a month ago he admitted that he wasn't happy. Frankly, I haven't been happy myself bc I feel like I am the last person on his list of imporant people. We had a long talk and he said he thinks we have both fallen out of love at the same time and we don't have much in common anymore and it's like we are going in different directions. ***WHOA...that sent my red lights off*** he says there is nothing else going on or no one else influencing his feelings but I have seen this before with him.

He says he wants to work things out.....we started IC, nothing together yet. 

Also of importance, he feels my trust issues with him are a big part of why we are where we are...SO being that I've been down this road before. I slapped myself around a little, went through the pity party and now I am in the well, I have no control over his feelings or actions. I am hoping for the best but I'm ready for the worst. The counseling process is slow, I feel like I am living with a stranger....he still shows some signs of affection but he doesn't really talk to me much unless I initiate conversation. I am so lonely....I've told him this. I just don't see much effort from him and my heart can only take so much more. 

Any advice?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What have you done to verify that there's not another woman in the picture? He's cheated on you twice. He's lost the right to say your lack of trust is causing a problem in the relationship. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You know that he is most likely cheating, right? What are you doing to find out what's really going on?

There are two books that I think you would benefit from, both written by Dr. Harley:

Surviving an Affair

and 

His Needs, Her Needs


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Other than doing some investigative work to see if he's cheating again, the thing that stands out to me is that your husband is a real tool. He cheats which leads to trust issues for you - yet he then blames your current marriage problems on your trust issues? That's pretty ironic and really makes me question whether you should stay with him or not.


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## WhoAmI80 (Jul 22, 2014)

honestly guys...I don't want to investigate. What good will it do me? 

Lloyd, love the name btw....I am seriously questioning it too. I'm not perfect but I def deserve more understanding and better treatment. 

thanks for the replies.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why investigate? Because no reconciliation is possible if there's someone else still in the picture. And since you posted in the reconciliation forum...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So then bury your head in the sand and don't worry about what he does. Just wait until he finds a bimb0 that wants something more permanent and then he'll dump you. I know that's harsh but that's what your doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoAmI80 (Jul 22, 2014)

haha my head is definitely not in the sand. I am working on myself and doing me. If that's what he chooses to do that is his choice.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are you trying to reconcile, though?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WhoAmI80 said:


> haha my head is definitely not in the sand. I am working on myself and doing me. If that's what he chooses to do that is his choice.


So you are ok if he cheats, as long as you don't know about it. Then what's the problem?


By the way, did you now that one of the most common ways to catch an STD and ruin your health is to have sex with a spouse who is cheating.. oh yea, you don't care about that. ok...


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## WhoAmI80 (Jul 22, 2014)

1. No, I'm not ok with him cheating.
2. I was simply stating that I have no control over his decisions or actions.
3. Who is ok with getting stds?? I mean really....

I Posted in this forum bc I thought it was to discuss and get advice. Not be judged and have people make their own negative assumptions. 

Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

If you want posters to just agree with you and not tell you how it is you're just wasting your time.

You want advise? File for divorce immediately.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

WhoAmI80 said:


> 1. No, I'm not ok with him cheating.
> 2. I was simply stating that I have no control over his decisions or actions.
> 3. Who is ok with getting stds?? I mean really....
> 
> ...


You're getting advice. The advice is nothing else matters if he's still seeing someone else. You can't rebuild or fix the relationship until it's just the two of you. 

If you have a more specific question, feel free to ask it.

C


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry you are here.

Do you know what you want? You have been forgiving him for years so is that what you want for the rest of your life?

My guess is that if you want H to become the husband you want him to be, let's face it, he does not have the decency or discipline to become that person.

My advide is to have an honest discussion with yourself and decide what you want out of your life. Then pursue it like a cheetah chasing an antelope.

Life is too great a gift to waste with hurtful people,
Stretch


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## FisharnEked (Jul 16, 2014)

Did you give him some sort of ultimatum? Set some boundaries, and if he crosses them, there will be consequences?

You _cant_ control him, but you _can_ control how much you put up with...


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