# Advice on acceptance of infidelity



## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.

So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Do you have any interest in being with others? For some people, the thrill is in tricking you. The excitement of the possibility of getting caught, and also having a wife appliance at home protects them from having to commit to anyone else. If you slept with someone else, would he leave you?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, you’re unlikely to actually get used to it but you want to stay so my suggestion is learn to turn a blind eye, and pretend, as many women have done for generations. It’s not an ideal way to live but it works for some.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Do you see his cheating as a betrayal? The mind is an amazing thing in that we can change our perspectives in order to cope with even the worst of pain and suffering. Life is about trade offs, I guess and you’d be trading your time, safety (he could bring home std’s) and overall peace of mind for other things that you have together. That is how you’ll learn to accept it, by accepting that what you’re receiving for giving up those things, will be worth it.

That wouldn’t be worth it to me. But, if leaving isn’t an option, then you’ll have to weigh if what you’re receiving is worth what you’re sacrificing.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MsRedHat said:


> Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it


No. You will never "get used" to it. You will never really care if you have sex with your POS partner again. Throw his concupiscent a$$ so far the hell uut of your life that he will have to hire superconducting magnetic monorail to bring him back.

You can turn a blind ey, pretend, basically, I chose to do neither. I made no pretense of actually giving a damn what she said, or what she thought. I did what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it, and the way I wanted to do it, unilaterally, without considerations.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

MsRedHat said:


> If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
> It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.
> 
> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically,* I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!*


Turn a blind eye and try to wipe your brain, don't look anyone in the eye. Don't ever sleep with him again in case he brings home AIDS or something equally nasty.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

MsRedHat said:


> If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
> It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.
> 
> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!


The concept of acceptance may be understood in more than a way.

As the intellectual recognition that something is as it is.
This makes acceptance a description, not a prescription.
There is no entailed need to "accept" it as good and neither to declare it beyond change.

Another more á la mode school of thought calls "acceptance" to giving up emotionally and convincing yourself that whatever **** sandwich that comes your way is good.

Dont´t become a cheater yourself.
Walking away from cheaters is good for your health.
A soup and a shot-de-cul shouldn´t be denied to them.

Best wishes.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Get you some HRT and go play yourself. Tell him since he opened the marriage you are going to see what is out there likewise. I would start disappearing for slots of time and don't give him an explanation. 

Tell him he no longer has a right to know your location or what you do or with whome you do it with.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Do you have any interest in being with others? For some people, the thrill is in tricking you. The excitement of the possibility of getting caught, and also having a wife appliance at home protects them from having to commit to anyone else. If you slept with someone else, would he leave you?


Great question. He would not leave me, and funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of his fetishes is to watch me with another guy. Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It sounds as if you are married to a man with no integrity or moral values. If you are ok with that then stay. Nothing would enable me to be ok with living with a man who cheated like that, no fear of being alone would make me stay. 
You seem to have made your choice but I very much doubt you will ever get used to it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

MsRedHat said:


> Great question. He would not leave me, and funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of his fetishes is to watch me with another guy. Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


So it’s ok for him to cheat but not you. He will share you but only on his terms and he is the only one who matters (that’s what ‘control’ is about: he needs to control the situation so it’s always only about him). You’re the only one who can decide if you want to live this way. He has no reason to change. I’d have left a looong time ago, but everyone is different.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I'm not sure what you're really asking as it sounds like you have already accepted this a long time ago. 

If he has been caught a million times, then he's really not even trying to hide it. 

This is a lifestyle for both of you. 

Since you are basically staying with him out of convenience, security and support and you have no real intimate feelings for him, then if your plan is to stay, then just make sure you're getting the level of convenience, security and support out of him that you bargained for and call it good.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> It sounds as if you are married to a man with no integrity or moral values. If you are ok with that then stay. Nothing would enable me to be ok with living with a man who cheated like that, no fear of being alone would make me stay.
> You seem to have made your choice but I very much doubt you will ever get used to it.


Don’t be so sure of what she can get used to. In the post you responded to, she brought up that she had participated in threesomes organized by her husband, apparently without protest. Her marriage ceased to be traditional at that point. If that wasn’t a big deal to her, just fun, then her present willingness to endure her husband’s cheating isn’t out of character.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Casual Observer said:


> Don’t be so sure of what she can get used to. In the post you responded to, she brought up that she had participated in threesomes organized by her husband, apparently without protest. Her marriage ceased to be traditional at that point. If that wasn’t a big deal to her, just fun, then her present willingness to endure her husband’s cheating isn’t out of character.


Yes true. Both have willingly committed adultery so maybe that's why its not a deal breaker for her as it would be for others.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

MsRedHat said:


> If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
> It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.
> 
> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!


I mean, if you really want to 'accept' it, all you have to do is turn a blind eye and not ask about his sexcapades. And if you want to be intimate, you'll also have to come to terms with the fact that he's most likely bringing home all sorts of STDs. After all, you don't know where that d*** has been.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

You wanted advice outside of leaving him.

You said he got 'mad' (not jealous) in a threesome. Pretty extreme since it was his idea, not yours. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum. After all, if someone gets jealous or mad in a threesome, it's not really a threesome.
With that toddler mentality, he might even divorce you if you cheated. As long as you allow him to sleep with others, you are probably safe. BUT. . . why are you SO sure he wouldn't leave you? He meets so many women that there's a possibility that one day he'll meet someone he gets along with just as well as he gets along with you, outside sex that is.

If you haven't wanted to be intimate up to now, why should that change? Your brain isn't allowing it. Being one of many kinda kills the idea of intimacy, for most people anyway, especially for women. 

Perhaps you want the companionship and fear the loneliness of being by yourself which is totally understandable. As we get older, the choices become more limited, especially for older women.

If you stay and continue to feel as you do now, it may be that what you have to accept is NOT that he has sex with other women, but that you won't ever have intimacy again, unless you look elsewhere & does as he does. Apparently the problem you have is quite common in open marriages, one of the couple isn’t 100% OK with it even if both are seeing others. 

Is he fine with the situation? Does he ask you to be intimate?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MsRedHat said:


> Great question. He would not leave me, and funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of his fetishes is to watch me with another guy. Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


Time for yiu to consider looking for someone else. Theres a chance yiu meet someone worthy of a long term relationship and will leave you WH in the dust. The fact yiu are on here tells me his cheating bothers you , so why suck it up, change your life, gain a life and lose him. Detach, do the 180 and start dating. Your marriage is dead.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

MsRedHat said:


> Great question. He would not leave me, and funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of his fetishes is to watch me with another guy. Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


And, here is the rub. 

Tell him you know what he is doing and you want to watch or play (whichever is your preference).


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

MsRedHat said:


> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?


You mentioned having had MFM before, so maybe you are someone who can accept him being with other women. Do you think if he was open and honest about being with other women you could accept having a totally open marriage? If so, can he surrender control of the men you have relations with? Fair is fair.



MsRedHat said:


> Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening.


So maybe you *both* tend toward casual sexual relationships. Puzzling why he never mentioned having FMF threesome. Would you have been ok with that?



Casual Observer said:


> If that wasn’t a big deal to her, just fun, then her present willingness to endure her husband’s cheating isn’t out of character.


Maybe @MsRedHat needs some advice from the poly/swinger contingent of TAM about how to effectively and totally open the marriage for her benefit. Evidently her husband opened it from his side long ago.

Would a separate section for that variety of "marriage" be useful? Would seem less disruptive to both the monogamous and poly or swinger viewpoints.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Rus47 said:


> Would a separate section for that variety of "marriage" be useful? Would seem less disruptive to both the monogamous and poly or swinger viewpoints.


Separate sections would be a good idea if the different viewpoints were resulting in a real clash between the various camps. I don't see that happening here. There's a relatively peaceful respect for differing styles of relationships; if feels like exposure to those viewpoints has helped people better understand the fabric that holds their own relationship together.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

MsRedHat said:


> Great question. He would not leave me, and funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of his fetishes is to watch me with another guy. Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we would occasionally involve a third party, always a man, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


make a date with him then dont turn up telling him something much better came up.and now you think it better that you both have sex with others as he,s not turning you on any more.then watch him get angry but dont take notice act as if he is not around anymore


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MsRedHat said:


> If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
> It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.
> 
> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!


This post won't be easy for you it's not nice, but then again, nice isn't always right. You sound like you have Stockholm syndrome or something. I don't give advice about accepting the unacceptable.

The fact that you hope to call a relationship with the acceptance of continued abuse in it working, shows that something is very wrong with your thinking. Here is a man who repeatedly abuses you and you are calling him your "best friends" and you guys as a "happy family" Sorry but you need to wake up! I wouldn't call anyone who does that to me a - best anything. Love doesn't step on people to have an orgasm. I can't morally allow that kind of talk to be said without saying NO, this is TOO FAR.

Now if he wasn't cheating but telling you how unhappy he was I would tell you to go to a doctor, but I don't buy the premise. I believe any normal human being will eventually lose desire to have sex with someone who repeatedly abuses them. If he punched you in the face repeatedly would you want to have sex with him? I doubt it unless you are a masochist. You are acting like an emotional masochist here.

Now this next part isn't advice because in the long run I think it's a bad life strategy but it would be more fair if you were to open your marriage but YOU try to have an emotional affair with someone, I bet you will eventually find your desire to have sex again. Thing is then your fear will go away (which is what is making you so confused) and suddenly your husband won't seem like a "best friend" and you suddenly won't be getting along so "fabulously"

Look frogs can be burned slowly in pots too. They adjust. So if this is what you want who is anyone to say anything different. But just like the Frog that dies, I suspect the scenario I painted above has a good chance of happening even if it wasn't your desire. All it takes is one lonely guy who sees something in you, see through the lies you are telling yourself and is kind. Then Boom! I bet part of you will wish you were dead then.

This is the truth - everything in life ends. Everything. So will your marriage one day even if he was the best man who ever lived. It was still going to end.

You need to empower yourself so you are not afraid of that. Focusing on that is the best life strategy for where you are, at least in my mind.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MsRedHat said:


> ......*It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually* , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. *We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back* and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. *There seems to be no hope for change on his part.*
> 
> So my question is...*Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it* and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!





MsRedHat said:


> Great question. *He would not leave me, a*nd funny I should have included this in my original post but that is one of *his fetishes is to watch me with another guy.* Back when we were hot and heavy and had actually had a sex life we *would occasionally involve a third party, always a man*, and it was never anybody I was really interested in beyond just having a fun evening. He loved it as long as he was in control of the whole situation. One time he felt like it was slipping out of his grasp and he actually got pretty mad about it.


To answer your first post first. Yes, there is this thing called the Stockholm syndrome, where even hostages of terrorists can develop dependence and some degree of affection for them. So yes, even in some of the most horrible of situations you can use you mind to turn an unacceptable situation into something you can survive within.

Though out history there are wives of rich and powerful men who have endured a lifetime of cheating on the part of their husbands. Many members of royalty had multiple mistresses or lovers, while their wives stayed home. In the US, rich and powerful men have had generations of male cheaters, like the Kennedy clan. So yes, it can be done.

If you do this, I doubt that you will ever feel sexual love for him. I would expect your feelings would be more of "you poor flawed pathetic human who is lead through life by your penis."

If this is something you want to explore you should do it with a marriage counselor and set boundaries on the limits of his cheating. It may include his being descreet so that his and your family never find out, it never becomes public, or that your children never find out. It may also include that he never spends over a certain amount a year on those he cheats with. That is he has a budget that he can not exceed. This budget would be for dinners, hotels, presents, etc. It should also include that he never misses family obligations to be with the women he cheats with and he should never bring home an STD.

Good luck. It is clear you have every right to divorce him, but that is your choice.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> Maybe @MsRedHat needs some advice from the poly/swinger contingent of TAM about how to effectively and totally open the marriage for her benefit. Evidently her husband opened it from his side long ago.
> 
> Would a separate section for that variety of "marriage" be useful? Would seem less disruptive to both the monogamous and poly or swinger viewpoints.


This situation isn’t really a poly/open/swinging issue. 

This is simply a dude doing whatever he wants and she doesn’t have the backbone or self esteem to protest or address it. 

The fact she said he’s got with other chicks “millions of times” indicates he isn’t even trying to cover his tracks or hide it, as well as indicates she does not protest or do anything about it. 

She has long resigned to accepting that this is not a traditional monogamous relationship.

She doesn’t really have an issue with him banging other chicks, she just doesn’t want him banging her but she wants him to keep paying the bills and mowing the lawn and shoveling the driveway so she doesn’t have to. 

So I guess technically you can call it an open marriage, But it’s more of a case of roommates that have an arrangement for bills and domestic chores.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This situation isn’t really a poly/open/swinging issue.
> 
> This is simply a dude doing whatever he wants and she doesn’t have the backbone or self esteem to protest or address it.
> 
> ...


I got the impression she missed sex with a man, and wistfully mentioned the MfM as being fun. She doesnt care to do her husband anymore, which is understandable. If he is doing every female he wants, why cant they have meeting of minds so she can get with other men? Wouldnt that be an open marriage?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

If you're determined to stay with him, then for your own preservation, don't have sex with him anymore and tell him why and tell him you don't want to hear one word about his affairs.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you're determined to stay with him, then for your own preservation, don't have sex with him anymore and tell him why and tell him you don't want to hear one word about his affairs.


And please, please get tested for STDs.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Do not accept what’s unacceptable - ever.
It will make you physically sick… not to mention emotionally sick as well.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Why do you have to be intimate with him again? If you don't want a divorce just stay in your marriage and let him do his thing. Some woman I know bought two big golden retrievers to sleep in bed and block her husband from starting up with her. 

If you crave the physical intimacy find a boyfriend. If it's fair for him it's fair for you.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

*Deidre* said:


> Do you see his cheating as a betrayal? The mind is an amazing thing in that we can change our perspectives in order to cope with even the worst of pain and suffering. Life is about trade offs, I guess and you’d be trading your time, safety (he could bring home std’s) and overall peace of mind for other things that you have together. That is how you’ll learn to accept it, by accepting that what you’re receiving for giving up those things, will be worth it.
> 
> That wouldn’t be worth it to me. But, if leaving isn’t an option, then you’ll have to weigh if what you’re receiving is worth what you’re sacrificing.


Yes, I did see it as a betrayal. I was always very open and honest with him about everything and I gave him a lot of room to let me know what he wanted to keep him happy sexually. Basically, I was game for anything as long as it wasn't behind my back and that's exactly what he ended up doing. I hope that I would be able to change my perspective on this. I want to see his behavior for what it probably is.... A behavior that has nothing to do with me. It's just hard because I feel turned off from him now sexually since all the lies made me feel very disrespected. Also my


Divinely Favored said:


> Get you some HRT and go play yourself. Tell him since he opened the marriage you are going to see what is out there likewise. I would start disappearing for slots of time and don't give him an explanation.
> 
> Tell him he no longer has a right to know your location or what you do or with whome you do it with.


self respect kind of tanked a bit. Well, more than a bit. Anyway it's hard to get turned on when you feel like a doormat. I was just hoping there was some sort of magical tool out there I could use to psych myself up again into being the old fun loving free great giving game girl I used to be.


********** said:


> You wanted advice outside of leaving him.
> 
> You said he got 'mad' (not jealous) in a threesome. Pretty extreme since it was his idea, not yours. Like a toddler throwing a tantrum. After all, if someone gets jealous or mad in a threesome, it's not really a threesome.
> With that toddler mentality, he might even divorce you if you cheated. As long as you allow him to sleep with others, you are probably safe. BUT. . . why are you SO sure he wouldn't leave you? He meets so many women that there's a possibility that one day he'll meet someone he gets along with just as well as he gets along with you, outside sex that is.
> ...


He seems fine, and sometimes he sort of hints at intimacy, but I haven't been very responsive. He just seems to accept the fact that I had taken enough of his lies and that part of our relationship is broken now.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> And, here is the rub.
> 
> Tell him you know what he is doing and you want to watch or play (whichever is your preference).


You know what?.... I actually have said that to him more than once! But that didn't go anywhere. It's like he just wants to keep me far apart from that part of his life, and in his twisted way he thinks that's better for me (what she doesn't know won't hurt her....)


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

sokillme said:


> This post won't be easy for you it's not nice, but then again, nice isn't always right. You sound like you have Stockholm syndrome or something. I don't give advice about accepting the unacceptable.
> 
> The fact that you hope to call a relationship with the acceptance of continued abuse in it working, shows that something is very wrong with your thinking. Here is a man who repeatedly abuses you and you are calling him your "best friends" and you guys as a "happy family" Sorry but you need to wake up! I wouldn't call anyone who does that to me a - best anything. Love doesn't step on people to have an orgasm. I can't morally allow that kind of talk to be said without saying NO, this is TOO FAR.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I will try.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

DownByTheRiver said:


> If you're determined to stay with him, then for your own preservation, don't have sex with him anymore and tell him why and tell him you don't want to hear one word about his affairs.


Already there on both .


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

gaius said:


> Why do you have to be intimate with him again? If you don't want a divorce just stay in your marriage and let him do his thing. Some woman I know bought two big golden retrievers to sleep in bed and block her husband from starting up with her.
> 
> If you crave the physical intimacy find a boyfriend. If it's fair for him it's fair for you.


I like this. It's so strange that I know I have every right to get my needs met elsewhere, and even the score by hiding stuff from him... I won't. It's not who I am or what I want to be doing. Plus, I don't think I could find a boyfriend anyway even if I wanted to.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

MsRedHat said:


> Plus, I don't think I could find a boyfriend anyway even if I wanted to.


I would bet a LOT of money that you are way wrong. Your "husband" has understandably done a number on your self confidence. Something really messed up with him. That doesn't mean you need to be celibate if you don't want to be. Not sure how to get back to being "in the game" but for sure it can be done. You aren't the first with a serial cheater lying scumbag for a spouse. He opened the marriage on his terms. Open it wide open on yours.

I know nothing about people who "swing", but there are people on here who do know. Maybe they can chime in. From reading here, evidently the swingers have "clubs" and a lone female is always welcome. 
Of course if your hormones have tanked you would need to get them tuned up, but that is no big deal in 2022.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

MsRedHat said:


> I like this. It's so strange that I know I have every right to get my needs met elsewhere, and even the score by hiding stuff from him... I won't. It's not who I am or what I want to be doing. Plus, I don't think I could find a boyfriend anyway even if I wanted to.


It's not about evening the score. It's not a vindictive thing. Those are just the boundaries of your marriage. And if you can't have physical intimacy with your husband, which is perfectly understandable since he's constantly lying through his teeth to you, a boyfriend would be ideal.

You might even luck out and find a guy who is honest with you, who reminds you what real intimacy is. And changes some of the negative perceptions you have about yourself.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MsRedHat said:


> Yes, I did see it as a betrayal. I was always very open and honest with him about everything and I gave him a lot of room to let me know what he wanted to keep him happy sexually. Basically, I was game for anything as long as it wasn't behind my back and that's exactly what he ended up doing. I hope that I would be able to change my perspective on this. I want to see his behavior for what it probably is.... A behavior that has nothing to do with me. It's just hard because I feel turned off from him now sexually since all the lies made me feel very disrespected. Also my
> 
> 
> self respect kind of tanked a bit. Well, more than a bit. Anyway it's hard to get turned on when you feel like a doormat. I was just hoping there was some sort of magical tool out there I could use to psych myself up again into being the old fun loving free great giving game girl I used to be.
> ...


Cheating often has nothing to do with the marriage and more to do with the cheater’s character. At this point, you may need to sort out why you want to remain with someone who lacks character? By shifting your perspective to not looking at it as being about you, it may get you to a place of no longer settling. If you are hurt every time he cheats, why learn to accept this dynamic? It only serves to damage your self esteem, even though your husband sounds like he’s not capable of monogamy and that has nothing to do with you. If you don’t want a marriage like this, your acceptance will only feel more like settling. You say that you feel like a doormat and so much of your life is focused on him, and you sound like you’ve lost your own identity as an individual. It seems like you didn’t really anticipate marriage like this, so why settle. It’s okay to not want to live like this. Just some things to think on.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Apologies OP & all of you that my post is very long!

@MsRedHat, from what you said, you fear being alone which is totally understandable, especially because you're older.
You don't have the resources to leave so that's not an option.
Your moral compass is such that you won't do what he's doing so that isn't a solution either.
While he 'hints' at intimacy with you, he doesn't even want you to be involved in threesomes, like the old days. That's rejection. You're his puppet now with regards to intimacy. Also, to me, you don't seem like a 'swinger'. You did it to please him and I think you said you didn't like it.

You don't think you could find a boyfriend, even if you wanted to.

I think it's far more complicated emotionally than just being able to come to a position of 'acceptance' which was your initial question.
You probably have a deep resentment towards him, impossible not to.
You're probably angry with him because he's carrying on with his life, 'happy as Larry' as they say.
You're probably angry with yourself too, for having ended up in such a servile position.

Your initial question was whether you can make the relationship 'work' with acceptance.
IMO, the answer is a firm no.
Going forward, I don't think you can expect to feel any different than the way you do now.

The younger ones on here might not be aware of how the fear of being alone increases, almost exponentially, as one gets older.
It's also coupled with the fact that it's difficult to meet someone when older, especially for women. The statistics are there to prove it.
What if one should become ill or incapacitated in some way, which can come with getting older, and there was no one at home for support.
That's something younger ones don't have to consider either. It's a scary prospect when getting older.

I was trying to think of what I would do:

Firstly I would regard the relationship as finished. He's a wholly unsavoury character, worse than most WS I've read about. I can't see 'love' even though you said you loved each other.

Secondly, I would work on acceptance of—not the fact that he's having affairs—but that I'm choosing to stay so that I'm not alone, so that I'll have support as I get older, and for financial reasons. In other words, so that I wouldn't come home to an empty house and at least I get on with him regarding day-to-day stuff.
As someone said, he's a roommate and I'd treat him as such. I wouldn't even offer any intimacy anymore or suggest being involved in threesomes or whatever.

Thirdly I'd get hyperactive with other things.
-I'd engage in my hobbies, everyone has at least one hobby, and/or take up new ones.
-I'd join clubs of all sorts which is a great way to meet new people, both male and female, e.g. golf is a great one and is very sociable.
-There are heaps of others, learn a new language, yoga (very good for dealing with emotional stuff), exercise classes (endorphins work wonders) etc. Check Meetup groups online in your area.
-I'd meet my girlfriends more often for coffee, go to a movie etc.
-I'd travel at weekends to see family and friends who live far away. It's not expensive and you won't be at home all the time seeing him return after his meetings with other women.
-If you can afford it, you could go on a holiday, either home or abroad with a tour group. There are different ones for different age groups.

Who knows, although you're not looking for an affair, someone might cross your path if you get very active socially and who knows where it could lead to. You wouldn't necessarily have to have an affair. But it wouldn't be the reason you were getting more active socially.

It might help you to get some therapy too, just for yourself, to give you strategies for coping. IMO, your husband is way beyond therapy.

That's the best I can offer solution-wise.
It's probably along the lines of what @sokillme said & you liked it.
You came here looking for solutions because you're going to/have to stay.

Start today, even in a small way!
Get out there and experience all the other wonderful things life has to offer, because it does.
A relationship is not the be-all and end-all
Stuff him! Use him for what YOU want, i.e. not to be alone and his financial support 
Make a life of your own!


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## blessed18 (Jun 4, 2018)

I have and am still kind of going through the same thing. He has cheated since the beginning of our relationship and I feel still is! I can never get used to the thought of him cheating and will never be ok with it because if the shoe was on the other foot, he would not be ok with it- the men never are ok with us doing it to them! We are currently in the same home together but I found a new place for me and my kids and will be moving in less than a week. He wants to try and make it work but I don't think it will work out. If he's sneaking while I'm in the home, it's field day now that I will be out of the home. I pray that you find the strength to do whatever will make you whole and happy! It will be hard but as long as you are there and he's still sneaky, you won't feel at ease and it will continue to eat at you every day. I know you said you don't have the resources to leave and I felt the same way but I made up in my mind that I am worth more than that and if you want to live a life that I don't agree with, then you have to live that life on your own. I did research, prayed, found new hobbies, and tried to keep myself busy so that I wouldn't have to keep thinking about what he was doing. I know that we don't know each other but I think that it is very important for women to stick together and if you have any questions, or just want an outlet to talk without being judged, please don't hesitate to inbox me. I still go through my struggles but it's a part of the process! Good luck to you!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It's sad that you would rather stay with a man who treats you so terribly than manage alone. I would far rather be alone than accept a cheater in my home. 
You say you can't manage alone but you could if you really wanted to.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

********** said:


> Apologies OP & all of you that my post is very long!
> 
> @MsRedHat, from what you said, you fear being alone which is totally understandable, especially because you're older.
> You don't have the resources to leave so that's not an option.
> ...


Thank you so much for your honesty and your words of encouragement. I will start today in a small way to get out and be more social. I hadn't realized how much i have isolated myself recently until I read that. Plus, I've been meaning to up my exercise, so this is another good reason to get up and out more. I have been holed up out in my art studio (garage) for way too many hours and have lost touch with other people. Time to make some friends! Thank you again!


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

Attagirl @MsRedHat!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Acceptance of infidelity? F NO!
But to each their own poison...


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## rapidsrfer (8 mo ago)

MsRedHat said:


> If most cheaters always cheat, then they must feel there's nothing wrong with cheating, right? If so, then do you have any advice for the betrayed spouse to be able to jump on board with this philosophy?
> It seems like the only choice I have in making my relationship work is acceptance, but now unfortunately the cheating (plus menopause) has turned me off sexually , so now we have a "best friends" or a "happy family" style relationship at home rather than a romantic one. We love each other and get along fabulously, but he has sex with others behind my back and I don't have sex with anyone. I've tried to open the relationship but he continues to try and hide his actions, even though he has been caught like a million times. There seems to be no hope for change on his part.
> 
> So my question is...Is there any way that I can get used to all the cheating to where I feel ok about it and therefore will want to be intimate with my partner again?
> I realize this might not be healthy or sustainable, but I don't really want to be alone or even have the resources if I did. So basically, I would love any advice that doesn't include "leave him". Thanks!


My wife and I in very similar situation, but trauma from past also involved. She has told me in past that I should have affair, or she would not mind if I see other people. She really did not mean this. Saw in her face when I said I would not do that. It is not easy. I have offers fairly frequently. Do I prefer mistreating? No. I can't even say 100% that something won't happen, truly miss the connect. Not sure even why I am talking about this. We are good, a great team, awesome son. But it seems intimacy may be over. I can't really offer any advice. It does hurt to see wife like this because she is truly unhappy with herself.


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## rapidsrfer (8 mo ago)

rapidsrfer said:


> My wife and I in very similar situation, but trauma from past also involved. She has told me in past that I should have affair, or she would not mind if I see other people. She really did not mean this. Saw in her face when I said I would not do that. It is not easy. I have offers fairly frequently. Do I prefer mistreating? No. I can't even say 100% that something won't happen, truly miss the connect. Not sure even why I am talking about this. We are good, a great team, awesome son. But it seems intimacy may be over. I can't really offer any advice. It does hurt to see wife like this because she is truly unhappy with herself.


Not mistreating, the self pleasure word, damn auto correct


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

rapidsrfer said:


> My wife and I in very similar situation, but trauma from past also involved. She has told me in past that I should have affair, or she would not mind if I see other people. She really did not mean this. Saw in her face when I said I would not do that. It is not easy. I have offers fairly frequently. Do I prefer mistreating? No. I can't even say 100% that something won't happen, truly miss the connect. Not sure even why I am talking about this. We are good, a great team, awesome son. But it seems intimacy may be over. I can't really offer any advice. It does hurt to see wife like this because she is truly unhappy with herself.


Er, has she sought professional help for her unhappiness? Like individual counseling or therapy? Have you both been to couples' counseling?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

No threadjacking please.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you doing @MsRedHat ?


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

MsRedHat said:


> You know what?.... I actually have said that to him more than once! But that didn't go anywhere. It's like he just wants to keep me far apart from that part of his life, and in his twisted way he thinks that's better for me (what she doesn't know won't hurt her....)


He needs affection. He doesn't want to hurt your. The catch 22 is that he needs to feel desired, yet the situation isn't conducive to intimacy for the two of you. It's probably been painful for him for a long time trying to split this life. His ap probably as lied to as well perhaps even with expectations for a future. Ya'll need to pack up and move to Key Largo... make a fresh start.


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## MsRedHat (Oct 29, 2018)

********** said:


> How are you doing @MsRedHat ?


Doing alright thanks for asking😊
We talked a bit more, no new revelations, but I told him I'm willing to spend more time with him just taking baby steps towards a romantic relationship, but on the one condition that he has to let me know what (or who) he is doing on the side. I keep wondering why he always wanted to hide this from me, which made it a betrayal, rather than just be honest and say he wanted to sleep with somebody else which I would have been way more okay with. He always just gives the answer of "I don't know why", which is very frustrating for me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

He cheats because he can.
My exH will always want to be married (3 times divorced now). He definitely doesn’t intend to be faithful while married!
I do believe he loves to have someone he can cheat on - it’s a game to him - he gets pleasure out of duping the woman he’s married to.
He also thinks he deserves more than one woman at a time - he’s not capable of one woman relationships. He causes SO much harm to women - consistently.
Some men just suck really badly. Yours seems like this type.
There’s not one reason to waste another day with him - life is way too short!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MsRedHat said:


> I like this. It's so strange that I know I have every right to get my needs met elsewhere, and even the score by hiding stuff from him... I won't. It's not who I am or what I want to be doing. Plus, I don't think I could find a boyfriend anyway even if I wanted to.


Honestly, he has already opened the marriage a long time ago.

Just inform him of your decision and tell him to deal with it.

Honestly doubt you will have any problems finding someone.


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