# Recently Married and Feeling Unhappy



## ZRDB1990 (Jul 19, 2016)

My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's". 

Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.

The other thing that is weighing on me is that I feel like he is wanting me to change the way I've always been now that we are married. I have always loved my luxurious things and spending on quality items. I work very hard for everything that I own and am very financially responsible. Now that we are married he wants all of it to go away and for me to come down to his level of interests. I do truly love getting out in nature with him and enjoying his hobbies together. They few times he has offered to do one of my hobbies with me he complains the entire time or acts as if I'm causing him pain from boredom.

I don't want to end our relationship by any means, but I want to feel happy and in love again. Please help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

this does sound troublesome.

men, especially a man with an 'adventurous' sexual past needs an outlet for their libido. so, he is getting that outlet somewhere.
if you say sex is almost non-existent, possibly he is getting it through porn and taking care of himself. the alternative is cheating.
why would he forsake the opportunity to bed his new wife? doesn't make sense at all. usually, that happens after 
some years and sex starts to get stale
and resentments build up which both contribute (unfortunately) to growing apart, both in relating and sexually.
one thing is for sure. people don't just lose their libido overnight.

have you had an honest talk with him and asked him why his disinterest and do you know if he is partaking in porn often?

the other troublesome thing is he sounds like he is a bit controlling. if you have your own money, contribute equally to the household and are not in debt, 
you should be able to have your things.

also, it's fine for him to want you to participate in his activities and share, but also to reciprocate and do things you like too.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZRDB1990 said:


> My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".


How old are the two of you? 

Do you have any children.. you, him or yours together?



ZRDB1990 said:


> Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.


Generally speaking, his sexual past should have no bearing on his relationship with you. It's not clear exactly what about this is bothering you?

Are you jealous about the things he did in the past? Or are you jealous of the other women?

Do you feel that he did things for other women that he refuses to do for you?

Is he refusing to have sex as often as you would like? 

Is he refusing to do the wild sexual things that you would like for him to do with you?

Are you afraid that he is cheating, or that he will cheat? If so, what evidence besides his past do you have of this?



ZRDB1990 said:


> The other thing that is weighing on me is that I feel like he is wanting me to change the way I've always been now that we are married. I have always loved my luxurious things and spending on quality items. I work very hard for everything that I own and am very financially responsible. Now that we are married he wants all of it to go away and for me to come down to his level of interests. I do truly love getting out in nature with him and enjoying his hobbies together. They few times he has offered to do one of my hobbies with me he complains the entire time or acts as if I'm causing him pain from boredom.


You need to be honest and open with him about all this. There needs to be compromise on all of these things. And if he will not compromise, your marriage is in big trouble.
What I suggest is that you read the two books: “Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. After you have done the work that the books say to do, you sit him down and tell you basically what you said above (change it some based on what you learn from the books). And then tell him that things have to change because you refused to let him push you around like he has been doing. Either you both compromise and find a middle ground or you are seriously thinking you made a mistake marrying him. Also ask him to read the books with you can do the work.

It’s not unusual for a marriage to start out on rocky grounds. The first year is often the hardest. 



ZRDB1990 said:


> I don't want to end our relationship by any means, but I want to feel happy and in love again. Please help.


Well, if this is not fixed, the marriage will most likely end. Now is the time to deal with this directly and not let it go on until you completely lose your love for him.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

ZRDB1990 said:


> I have always loved my luxurious things and spending on quality items. I work very hard for everything that I own and am very financially responsible.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This was a huge issue during my first couple months of marriage. My wife liked only very expensive things and expected and all we owned had to be the most expensive of the most expensive. I thought I was in big trouble, that she would spend us into the poorhouse. We almost divorced over this. 

Although you work hard for what you have, it may not be coming across this way to him and he may think what he buys for you will never be good enough and that this will cause a problem financially for your marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZRDB1990,

Do you have a job?

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?

Do you have a savings, or do you typically spend your entire paycheck every pay period?


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## ZRDB1990 (Jul 19, 2016)

We are both males. I am 26 and he is 50. 

What bothers me about his sexual past is how at times he boasted about how frequently and wild it was. Since getting married we have had sex three times. I do take into consideration that my sex drive might be higher than his and work for him is very stressful. So I have taken his advice and only try for it on the weekends it still results in him saying "Not tonight, I'm too tired."

As for our spending I have drastically cut my spending to save for our house and so he doesn't get upset with myspending. However he still spends a fair bit on his vehicle and customizing to his liking. I have asked him why he feels the need to do that now when we have some big expenses coming up in the near future and is on me about my spending. His response is often along the lines of "your spending is frivolous" or "customization is what you do to this type of vehicle".

I don't want to portray my husband to be some type of bad guy because I don't feel like he is. With me he has come out to his family as well as his coworkers. I just don't understand what is going on. I don't know how to talk to him about it and when I do try he gets frustrated with me.


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## ZRDB1990 (Jul 19, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> ZRDB1990,
> 
> Do you have a job?
> 
> ...



With our income his is roughly 60% and mine is 40% of the total. We both put the same amount in a joint account to pay our living expenses which we split 60/40. I tend to buy all of the groceries because he pays for the nights we go out.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

three times in 4 months? where and how do you think he is getting his sexual urges satisfied?


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## ZRDB1990 (Jul 19, 2016)

That is what I am unsure of. I don't feel like he is unfaithful. We wake up together and go to sleep together daily. And he walks to and from work which takes 20min and is always home within 30min of getting off work.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

that's good, i wasn't trying to suggest he's being unfaithful, only the worst possibility.

but i doubt his libido shut off after marriage. my bet is he's just taking care of himself.

you need to get to figure this out. a loving conversation with him as to why the loving has stopped.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ZRDB1990 said:


> My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".
> 
> Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.
> 
> ...



The first advice for this kind of stuff is always, you got to talk about these things. Relationships are about communication. Good relationships require hard talks.


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## ZRDB1990 (Jul 19, 2016)

sokillme said:


> ZRDB1990 said:
> 
> 
> > My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".
> ...



Thank you for the advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". They will help you and your husband talk about things.

You two are in very different places in life. It is completely possible that his sex drive is going down and yours is higher because you are young.

On the issue of the money, it sounds like two things are going on. One is that he is a bit selfish and sees his own wants as more important than yours. And the other is that he seems to look at you as more of a child, so he thinks he is in charge. Marriage is a partnership of equals. He needs to learn this.

One good way to handle the money is for you both to put all of your money in a joint account. You two save 10% off the top every payday. Then you pay your bills. After that, all that you have left is divided 50/50 between you. That way you both have equal money to spend on whatever you want or for an individual savings. He would have no right to complain about what you do with your 50% share.

There is a good book that can help you two: "Smart Couples Finish Rich". 

It's a very good book about how to handle money, expect it does not cover two things. One is the 50/50 sharing of discretionary income. The other is that all money/savings that you had before marriage belongs to the person who had it before marriage. So you before marriage savings, inheritance, etc is yours alone. For that reason, keep it in a separate account and do not put any after-marriage money in that account. Keep it separate.


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

ZRDB1990 said:


> My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".
> 
> Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.
> 
> ...


I actually felt the same after getting married. I felt lost, overwhelmed and almost suffocated and I think it was because its such a huge change. 

My biggest advice is to communicate always. Communication is key to any successful relationship.
Also, Stay true to you. I've lost myself and am slowly learning again but I don't feel like I know who I am other than his wife and their mom.
His behavior sounds childish IMHO


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> One good way to handle the money is for you both to put all of your money in a joint account. You two save 10% off the top every payday. Then you pay your bills. After that, all that you have left is divided 50/50 between you. That way you both have equal money to spend on whatever you want or for an individual saving. He would have no right to complain about what you do with your 50% share.


Do you happen to know if its possible to go to the bank and ask them to put a stipulation that he is not allowed to pull money out without the consent of both parties? My hubby has locked me out of our account before many many years and I always worry that he might do it again.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ZRDB1990 said:


> My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".
> 
> Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.
> 
> ...


Major red flag.....What are your ages? Sounds like a classic mis-match to me. I would side with you at this point based on your preliminary info. He sounds a bit controlling. Tread carefully. Do not have children until you figure this out.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sparklebug said:


> Do you happen to know if its possible to go to the bank and ask them to put a stipulation that he is not allowed to pull money out without the consent of both parties? My hubby has locked me out of our account before many many years and I always worry that he might do it again.


How did he lock you out of the account. Is your name on the account?

You can set up an account so that it requires 2 signature for any money to be spent. Of course with today's banking, only one person is needed to pay things online or using an ATM/Credit card.

If he has a history of locking you out of your joint account, then your best bet is for you to open an account in your name only. Put any money you earn into that account. Then he cannot control all the money.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

ZRDB1990 said:


> My husband and I dated for almost five years before getting married back in March of this year. I love my husband more than I can put into words and I am so thankful for him. Although I cannot seem to figure out why I've been feeling so unhappy since we said our "I Do's".
> 
> Since we got married I've learned more about his dating past and that does bother me but he says it's all in the past. I truly believe it's in the past but when I get frustrated or upset I have these fears that come creeping in. I know he was quite wild in some of his sexual adventures before we settled down but now it's like sex doesn't exist at all and that leaves me feeling very insecure.
> 
> ...


What I understand is that you two prefer to live different lifestyles, especially when it comes to how you spend your free time. That's a VERY important factor. 

*What I wonder is ...[leave his past aside] why you're thinking of this now and not before you married him? *You already knew he likes spending time in nature, while you prefer luxury and all that. As unimportant it may sound, it's actually crucial because one day you two might end up _not _sharing any common interest/hobby or activity together. If you partner can't be your friend then there's no point in marrying him to begin with, in my opinion.

Didn't you use to spend time together doing activities? Didn't you already know how incompatible you are in this department? Were there signs in the past that he was trying to "manipulate" you into making you think that HIS way of lifestyle must be yours as well? Did you ignore those signs? Tell us a bit more about your dating period, before marriage.

As a woman myself, I'm asking you to, please, DON'T ....EVER ...allow nor him..nor anyone else to tell you how to live your live and how to enjoy your time!!!! EVER!
Afterall, he already knew who you are so he should just accept you for how you are and what you like. If you like spending things/time on luxury, fine! If he likes nature, still fine! 

What I'm afraid of is that if you don't please/tolerate each other in this regard and do their own thing anytime you go out, then it might result in incompatibility issues in the future and you might find yourselves not doing anything together.
If home and bed are the only things you share, then this marriage might not fulfil its purpose :|

Nonetheless, we don't want to jump into conclusions so fast ... but as others have said, he sounds controlling and he's trying to change you to fit to his needs. Be careful!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> How did he lock you out of the account. Is your name on the account?
> 
> You can set up an account so that it requires 2 signature for any money to be spent. Of course with today's banking, only one person is needed to pay things online or using an ATM/Credit card.
> 
> If he has a history of locking you out of your joint account, then your best bet is for you to open an account in your name only. Put any money you earn into that account. Then he cannot control all the money.


^^This. My husband would only have to lock me out of our account once for me to do this.

OP - the first year of marriage is always the hardest. Even if you lived together previously, it's still a big change. Talk to your husband. Being able to talk to your spouse openly, even for uncomfortable conversations is the key to a long, happy marriage.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

sokillme said:


> The first advice for this kind of stuff is always, you got to talk about these things. Relationships are about communication. Good relationships require hard talks.


I agree, sit him down and express your concerns and confusion respectfully and ensure he understands where you are coming from and see if you are able to clarify some points.

The lack of sex could be due to so many things and best not to jump to conclusions before validating your assumptions.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The age difference could be the issue. First off the guy is fifty, his sexual drive is diminishing while yours is running strong, he could also easily be having ED problems at his age. 
As for spending habits it sounds as if he lives by the "do as I say not as I do" philosophy. Makes me wonder if he sees you as an equal partner and lover or more as an adolescent who needs parenting.


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