# Thoughts on hiring a private investigator?



## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Hi many of you may or may not know my situation from a post of mine a couple weeks ago. I won't go into detail, but just say my specific bit here.

I have a girfriend that came clean that she cheated on me for approximately a month while she was at a 10 week schooling in San Francisco. She is still there and graduates Friday night. She for 2 weeks now has pleaded for me to give her a chance and that she has cut off the relationship as much as possible (he is a teacher so she has to have some interaction) but swears that there has been no extra interaction ad zero sexual interaction for two weeks with this individual. She has skyped me day and night keeping communication with me.

So, she graduates Friday afternoon and then there is an outdoor thing hosted by the school for a couple hours then they people usually split off into groups and maybe go out even longer. Besides this affair, she has made a ton of very strong friendships and bonds with her classmates and wants to spend time with them of course. And she flies back to Phoenix the next day, on Saturday back here to home. (although she will stay at her grandmothers house till we straighten things out) but she has to be up somewhat early on saturday, pack and leave as the plane departs at 12:30 pm.

I had asked her to respect some guidelines if she was serious about putting our relationship maybe back together. I told her of course I want her to have a good graduation and a last moment with these new friends (whom none know of what happened) I asked that 1. She does not stay out too late. 2. keeps drinking to a minimum. 3. has no physical contact with the OM in any way shape or form and 4. that she skype me walking on the way home, and once she is in her room to prove to me she is home, alone, and choosing our relationship. She immediately agreed to the conditions.

Also, my brothers roommate, my brother, and my brothers girfriend will be there. My brothers roommate went to this school a year ago and since the school is closing down for good in a couple of weeks he is going to the last 2 graduations to hang with some of his friends he made when he was there. My brother and his girlfriend are in tech so they are going too, and to see my girfriend graduate of course and see her and will be hanging out with her. My brother knows the situation and will be on the lookout of any leud behavior on my girfriends part.

But I have considered hiring a private detective (which I have to decide TODAY if I am going to or not) and have talked to a few companies. They will have 2 people watching the whole evening event, pictures, live updates, and following her movements. This will prove if she is serious about us because she KNOWS there is NO coming back if she chooses to do anything else. I can rest assured that she is maybe genuine about salvaging the relationship. But this is an expensive investment. around $2,000. But if she lies and does anything and I have pictures and documentation . . . . I can hand her the picutres on Saturday and see you later.

But I have also heard bad sides to hiring them so I am not sure if this is the right move. The firm I am considering is the most professional and most expensive. 30+ yrs experience as a PI and was a police officer for 20+ yrs before that. Not a couple knuckheads that claim they can do the work.

Let me know your thoughts!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Lawerence,

if everything else is in place, i wonder if the PI would be over kill. a couple questions 

why are you not going?
does she know that your brother and roommate will be there? (reason why i ask is that if a cheater knows they are being watch they will certainly not do anything) 

its like putting a animal in a cage and ask it to act natural, and pretend the cage is not there. does that make sense?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

She can make new friends. Tell her if she wants to save the relationship, she leaves as soon as she graduates. You're enabling her behavior if you let her off softly. The lesson she learns is that she can do whatever she wants and you'll take her back if she cries enough.

Previously you asked why she did it. The answer is because it felt good. The important question is why she didn't stop herself. She didn't stop herself because the fear of the consequences wasn't strong enough. Next time a smooth-talker gets her all excited, what's to prevent her from going through with it? From what we can see, nothing has changed for her. In fact, she probably enjoys the increased communication and intensity of your relationship now. Constant skyping and relationship talk? Wow! A dream for most women.

Save your money on the PI. Tell her that she comes home or you're done. If a post-graduation party with people she'll never see again is more important than your relationship that she violated with an affair, the relationship is already over.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> Lawerence,
> 
> if everything else is in place, i wonder if the PI would be over kill. a couple questions
> 
> ...




agreed, which is why I am asking. It would certainly be an overkill.

I was going, then wasn't going, then was going, then not going. She thinks (which she might change her mind) that because of this emotional roller coaster we both have been on for 2 weeks and the nature of the situation and him being one of the teachers, and is going to be there with me. . . . it might not be the best situation. I mean at first out of anger when I found out I wanted to break his jaw and drown him in the ocean. Which I basically said that to her out loud. I have since of course calmed down and am taking the higher path. I don't care about him. He is a coward and not a man. I am a man. An evolved man. He is lesser than me. It might sound egotistical but it is true. I understand her reservations but I also feel she is being selfish. but of course her thinking maybe I shouldn't come. . .given the circumstances also makes me suspicious. but maybe she is right. . . a big explosion will happen, and her graduation night will be ruined. I don't know.

Yes, she knows my brother, his girfriend and roomate are coming and she is excited that they are. so that makes me feel maybe she is being honest, is dedicated to me and is serious about slavaging the relationship.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I think you have to ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be. What you are setting up here is a relationship based on you controlling her and checking up on her. Because you are able to monitor her in this one circumstance does not mean you will be able to monitor her over the long term. If you try, she will grow to resent you, and you will become fed up with always having to be on guard.

Spending $2000 of your hard earned money to follow her around for one night...what does that get you? It does not give you real trust. It gives you a fix for a night. Even without the PI, you have set up all these controls like she is an errant child. Skype me while you are on the way home...are you going to do that when she says she is going out with friends? What are you going to do when she wants to return to that city to see her classmates?

Seriously, life should not be like that. If you are not ready to trust her, then you are not ready to trust her. No amount of control or proof will change that. Save your money.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

$2000 is cheap if it buys you peace of mind but wouldn't it be a better investment to spend it after her arrival back? She knows she'll have eyes on her at the grad.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

For me, once the diploma is in hand she should be on the next flight home. You go through great lengths with this relationship. I can say one thing with certainty, you never change your tune. KISA. Save your money. It appears there are family members there that can watch after your GF.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

wilson said:


> She can make new friends. Tell her if she wants to save the relationship, she leaves as soon as she graduates. You're enabling her behavior if you let her off softly. The lesson she learns is that she can do whatever she wants and you'll take her back if she cries enough.
> 
> Previously you asked why she did it. The answer is because it felt good. The important question is why she didn't stop herself. She didn't stop herself because the fear of the consequences wasn't strong enough. Next time a smooth-talker gets her all excited, what's to prevent her from going through with it? From what we can see, nothing has changed for her. In fact, she probably enjoys the increased communication and intensity of your relationship now. Constant skyping and relationship talk? Wow! A dream for most women.
> 
> Save your money on the PI. Tell her that she comes home or you're done. If a post-graduation party with people she'll never see again is more important than your relationship that she violated with an affair, the relationship is already over.




yea. . . I know what you mean. But she has never had real deep friends. like ever. she moved around a lot as a kid. a daughter of military mom and step dad. She has formed strong bonds with these people, 15 hr days 7 days a week for 10 weeks. I don't want to take that from her.

there are many other ways I am "putting my foot down" and consequences for what has transpired just in that way. As fare was your second paragraph. . . .yes. . .and no. . . it's so much more complicated than that. but yes, she did make bad choices, and hid them from me. Which, never in 4+ yrs had she done before. a calamity of events that led up to the perfect storm and opportunity for this situation to even exist. and even I in a twisted way took part in that contribution. which, is a whole other story.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

NickyT said:


> I think you have to ask yourself if this is how you want your life to be. What you are setting up here is a relationship based on you controlling her and checking up on her. Because you are able to monitor her in this one circumstance does not mean you will be able to monitor her over the long term. If you try, she will grow to resent you, and you will become fed up with always having to be on guard.
> 
> Spending $2000 of your hard earned money to follow her around for one night...what does that get you? It does not give you real trust. It gives you a fix for a night. Even without the PI, you have set up all these controls like she is an errant child. Skype me while you are on the way home...are you going to do that when she says she is going out with friends? What are you going to do when she wants to return to that city to see her classmates?
> 
> Seriously, life should not be like that. If you are not ready to trust her, then you are not ready to trust her. No amount of control or proof will change that. Save your money.




Thank you for your thoughts. definitely on my mind. all of your points very valid. it's a slippery slope.

I thought if I did this one time, it could provide some type of foundation for me starting to trust her again. But, it could certainly backfire. 

and you are right on the controlling part but this is new uncharted territory for me so it's been hard to figure out what's a right approach and what is a wrong approach. I was making lots of demands at first but have since backed off. but that isn't exactly the solution either. I really won't be aboe to "start" anywhere till she is physically home and we talk and figure **** out.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> yea. . . I know what you mean. But she has never had real deep friends. like ever. she moved around a lot as a kid. a daughter of military mom and step dad. She has formed strong bonds with these people, 15 hr days 7 days a week for 10 weeks. I don't want to take that from her.


So are these "friends" from school moving to your neighborhood? If not, I really don't see them become "good" friends. You don't want to take that from her? Your GF took your sanity.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> So are these "friends" from school moving to your neighborhood? If not, I really don't see them become "good" friends.




Well, I can't articlute from personal experience. However . . . the couple of friends that I have done that have gone through these things, including my brothers roommate that will be in attendance has overwhelmingly stated that this group becomes life long friends. So I can only believe that is true in conjuction with how the girfriend feels about her group.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you should save your money. You already know you're going to take her back anyway.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

does the teacher know how displeased you are and angry? you noted that the school is closing so i assume with that their is no repercussion with the teacher is that right? have you spoken to him at all? has there been any communications between her and him?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Lawrence79 said:


> Hi many of you may or may not know my situation from a post of mine a couple weeks ago. I won't go into detail, but just say my specific bit here.
> 
> I have a girfriend that came clean that she cheated on me for approximately a month while she was at a 10 week schooling in San Francisco. She is still there and graduates Friday night. She for 2 weeks now has pleaded for me to give her a chance and that she has cut off the relationship as much as possible (he is a teacher so she has to have some interaction) but swears that there has been no extra interaction ad zero sexual interaction for two weeks with this individual. She has skyped me day and night keeping communication with me.
> 
> ...


Don't bother man. She's just a girlfriend, not even your wife. She doesn't belongs to you. If at least you were married, I would understand spending the grands. Spent that money on somebody who won't give you any doubt. Somebody serious and mature who won't keep you on your toes living uncertain of her where abouts. That's a woman who makes you feel safe, stable, secure and who knows how to respect you as man and believes the principles of fidelity. 
Regarding your girlfriend, she will behave knowing she has so many eyes watching her for you. If you don't know what integrity means, that's when you're behave accordingly when nobody's looking.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Lawrence79 said:


> Well, I can't articlute from personal experience. However . . . the couple of friends that I have done that have gone through these things, including my brothers roommate that will be in attendance has overwhelmingly stated that this group becomes life long friends. So I can only believe that is true in conjuction with how the girfriend feels about her group.


Life long friends would then understand if she got the first red-eye out of Dodge. Understand, if I were looking to salvage a relationship I screwed up I would be on the first plane home. I would not spend my time with these friends. Understand that I would be opening my eyes every morning to the person who has real meaning in my life. The friends I see time to time. 

But again, you have family there who can watch her. It is not your night. You will have plenty of those in the near future and beyond.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

dubsey said:


> I think you should save your money. You already know you're going to take her back anyway.


Quoted for truth.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

Lostinthought61 said:


> does the teacher know how displeased you are and angry? you noted that the school is closing so i assume with that their is no repercussion with the teacher is that right? have you spoken to him at all? has there been any communications between her and him?




I wrote him a lengthy (respectable) letter. Last friday. he never responded. because he is a coward and a predator. there is no future with them. there never was. I told him to stay away and in turn had no current plan to turn him into the school unless he can't respect that. so far he has though.

In the end I told him bow out and stay away and let us back to putting the pieces back together of what he helped destroy. the only communication is unavoidable. he is a teacher there.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

Girlfriend cheated? Don't waste your money on a PI, ghost her.

Also, they're still ****ing, guaranteed.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This is all absurd. If a wife/husband cheats, there is barely any getting back. Here a GF cheated and what do you think will happen in the future? Send me the money, I'll tell you she is cheating again and you'll be better off just leaving her.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Save the money and go on a vacation to some nice place and relax. When she gets back from Grannys you take off.
Be done with her.

Let her see that you are disgusted with her.

Let her worry about you, what you are doing on your vacation.
I know, I know, you love her, want to give her another chance.

Do not marry her.
Read you last post. Not too many people were pro-reconciliation, were they?

Starting a new post will not change minds. Oh, maybe someone who is not familiar with her cold, cheating exploits.
You send your GF of to an expensive programming

```
school.

She rewards your generosity by banging one of the instructors.

Your life....do not, I repeat, marry her.



She iced you while she was hot on him. Remember that.
```


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Why stay in a relationship with someone whom you trust so little that you are considering hiring a PI. 

Even if you don't find anything *this* time, why will you trust in the future?


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

uhtred said:


> Why stay in a relationship with someone whom you trust so little that you are considering hiring a PI.
> 
> Even if you don't find anything *this* time, why will you trust in the future?



True. The relationship before marriage is merely the job interview for the position of faithful lifelong spouse.

She has failed the interview.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I still would not hesitate to blacken his record. Sorry, but this predator will take his unsavory proclivities to the next school and the next naive/stupid woman. Maybe next time, he will get a kick to the crotch, but maybe next time he destroys lives worse than he did to you. I would in no way allow him to continue, and would make his sex session with your wife, the greatest regret of his life. The regret that ended his career. Blackmarked his reputation and caused a complete 180 in his life. Do this to him to prevent him from doing it to other women.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

I was a PI many years ago... I did not like these type of cases AT ALL! 

Listen to your gut, do not waste the money. 

She already knows that she has to be on her best behavior. The PI will bill you whether he gets you evidence or not.


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## Lawrence79 (Nov 5, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Save the money and go on a vacation to some nice place and relax. When she gets back from Grannys you take off.
> Be done with her.
> 
> Let her see that you are disgusted with her.
> ...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

PIs are fine if you suspect something afoul is going on but you either can't find the evidence or you don't want to spend the time and energy of finding out yourself. 

In this case you already know she's a cheater so why bother? It's a graduation ceremony, what is a PI going to tell you, that she didn't blow the dean on stage when he handed her her diploma??

She's already done the deed and you already know who and what she is. What more useful info is a PI going to tell you?

Save your $2000 for doing something fun and useful as a single man. 

Or since I also think your mind has already been made up to take her back, put that money in a secret account that you can use for divorce lawyers when she leaves you or when you find out she's cheating again after you are married and have minor children. 

If you put it in some kind of growth fund or something, hopefully it will accrue some gains by the time you need it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lawrence79 said:


> read my newest post, labeled "talked about Poly" . since you are so aware of my story. I am not fully innocent either. I feel I am indirectly guilty of this contribution. More of the back story that will complete the whole picture.


The Typist missed that. I will have him get back with you.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Me personally if I had to go these lengths to make sure my GF wasn’t cheating I would find another GF. Make no mistake so long as you keep her in your life this is what your life will be.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Me personally if I had to go these lengths to make sure my GF wasn’t cheating I would find another GF. Make no mistake so long as you keep her in your life this is what your life will be.


 This is the truth^. 
But if you are bound and determined to keep her, then go out there yourself and keep yourself under control.Tell her if you like or just spy on her until she sees you. If you have the opportunity to meet this prick, break his hand with your friendly handshake. You could also attend any post-graduation activities she will attend. Basically, you'll be babysitting and that is likely what the rest of your life with her will be consumed by. Best of luck, young buck.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

You two are not married. Give her a good kick in the azz to the curb! Save yourself any further heartache .


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lawrence79 said:


> I wrote him a lengthy (respectable) letter. ... he never responded. because he is a coward and a predator. there is no future with them. there never was. I told him to stay away ... In the end I told him bow out and stay away and let us back to putting the pieces back together of what he helped destroy.


Uh, excuse me, but WTF???? I assume your gf is not the victim of rape. I also assume she and her teacher had consensual sex. But he is the one, who alone, attempted to destroy your relationship? HUH???? So, in a tap dance with denial, you are going to ream out this guy (not that he's not a slime ball and doesn't deserve it ...) while you are going to work this out with your gf.

Frankly, I'm stymied by your response to this. The other man gets hell from you, but you are going to work this out with her? Didn't she allow this man to insert his penis into her vagina? Again, barring rape, I fail to see why it seems you are holding this man SOLELY responsible for the situation. Seriously.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

My prediction.

You will take her back, excuse her behavior with comments like she never really had any deep friends .etc etc

And she will cheat on you over and over again...why because she can and get away for it.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

So you didn’t turn him into the school and she is clearly crossing a boundary that you need by attending this party.

No offense, but you need to actually do something other than talk. She could very well tell her boyfriend in class to come back to her place after she’s done Skyping with her warden. But then you’d never know because you have no done a few necessary things to make sure your efforts were not for naught


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Jeez, OP.

You come off as SUCH a wimp.

Writing some college professor who CLEARLY crossed an ethical and professional line, a 'respectful' letter? Good lord. Did you first inquire into how his health is and how his family is doing this fine autumn before you broached the subject of him having sex with your girlfriend? Let me guess - you're afraid to let the powers that be at the college know what Mr. Scumbag did. 

And you were considering wasting $2000 on some college girl who showed you *EXACTLY* who she is and how sleazy she can actually be. 

Please find that testicle jar *as soon as possible*.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hiring a PI to check up on a girlfriend that you _know_ has cheated?

NO.

Just dump her.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I want to extend a bit on this. $2,000 is expensive. You already know that she has been unfaithful at this time. The overall question is, can you live with it, forgive and move on? Conversely, you cannot deal with it, move her out, and divorce. I work with PI's and the rationale for hiring one is if you cannot get evidence on a cheating spouse, a PI MAY get your evidence for you. BUT whether they do or they don't you still pay the hourly rate, and retainer up front.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

BF/GF relationships are auditions for marriage. Your GF failed miserably at the audition. Find a new GF


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Save your money.

You won't know how you REALLY feel about her vile betrayal until you see her in person. Then I'm guessing you won't want to touch her with a ten foot pole, knowing she gave it up so freely to some other guy.

It's silly to think you can work this all out over the phone (giving your relationship another chance) when you haven't even seen each other in person since this all began.

Save your 2 grand for the counseling and future PI you'll end up needing if you stay with her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Lawrence79 said:


> Hi many of you may or may not know my situation from a post of mine a couple weeks ago. I won't go into detail, but just say my specific bit here.
> 
> I have a girfriend that came clean that she cheated on me for approximately a month while she was at a 10 week schooling in San Francisco. She is still there and graduates Friday night. She for 2 weeks now has pleaded for me to give her a chance and that she has cut off the relationship as much as possible (he is a teacher so she has to have some interaction) but swears that there has been no extra interaction ad zero sexual interaction for two weeks with this individual. She has skyped me day and night keeping communication with me.
> 
> ...


Save your money and move on.

If I have to put a leash this tight on someone, who should know cheating is wrong, what am I going to do if we get married and have kids? Are you going to play this game and be a warden for the rest of your marriage? 

I'd be giving you the side eye, if you were my brother, thinking "why are you putting this much into this girlfriend."


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Lawrence79 said:


> Thank you for your thoughts. definitely on my mind. all of your points very valid. it's a slippery slope.
> 
> I thought if I did this one time, it could provide some type of foundation for me starting to trust her again. But, it could certainly backfire.
> 
> and you are right on the controlling part but this is new uncharted territory for me so it's been hard to figure out what's a right approach and what is a wrong approach. I was making lots of demands at first but have since backed off. but that isn't exactly the solution either. I really won't be aboe to "start" anywhere till she is physically home and we talk and figure **** out.


The dedication to you and faithfulness HAS to come from her. 

I have been through something akin to what you are going through. I would lay things out. He would agree. I thought we were on the right path. Then something would happen - a text, an email, a bill that was not right, a story that did not add up. We went around and around until I finally realized he was agreeing to whatever I said. He had not changed and had not learned his lesson because he STILL HAD ACCESS TO ME! I took away access. He had to earn it. I suggest you do the same. Tell her you need time to yourself - a couple of months with no contact. Did you know that when there is infidelity, a lot of marriage counselors recommend no contact for a period of time? Go on with your life. Take up a new hobby - take dance lessons or something social just to get you out. If she is worth it, she will be there in a couple of months.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Lawrence79 said:


> agreed, which is why I am asking. It would certainly be an overkill.
> 
> I was going, then wasn't going, then was going, then not going. She thinks (which she might change her mind) that because of this emotional roller coaster we both have been on for 2 weeks and the nature of the situation and him being one of the teachers, and is going to be there with me. . . . it might not be the best situation. I mean at first out of anger when I found out I wanted to break his jaw and drown him in the ocean. Which I basically said that to her out loud. I have since of course calmed down and am taking the higher path. I don't care about him. He is a coward and not a man. I am a man. An evolved man. He is lesser than me. It might sound egotistical but it is true. I understand her reservations but I also feel she is being selfish. but of course her thinking maybe I shouldn't come. . .given the circumstances also makes me suspicious. but maybe she is right. . . a big explosion will happen, and her graduation night will be ruined. I don't know.
> 
> Yes, she knows my brother, his girfriend and roomate are coming and she is excited that they are. so that makes me feel maybe she is being honest, is dedicated to me and is serious about slavaging the relationship.


 If you plan on keeping her as a girlfriend, just GO! When your brother and friends get back and say they lost track of her while seeing friends, you will regret not being there yourself. My guess is she doesn't want you there so she can have a last night of free play.


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