# Curious how long BS had between first and second D-Days?



## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

WS trickled truthed me for almost a month telling me he kissed a girl on a business trip. Later he told me it was actually a BJ after a threat of a poly. (He had kept the ONS from me for ten years. He also had an EA that ended four years ago.) He still holds to his BJ story seven months later. He also still insists the EA was never a PA and downplays the EA, saying it wasn't appropriate, but didn't meet any of the EA criteria we are reading in our books...
Anyway, I still feel the BJ was possibly intercourse, the EA was more than he's telling me and/or there were other girls. My puzzle pieces don't fit together nicely. Matter of fact, they don't fit at all. I had HPV and the time and method in which he claims I got it don't add up. 
I'm getting nowhere, he's stuck with his stories for seven months now insisting it is all out. This is causing us to argue (More he explodes cause he's tired of me asking questions and says he's frustrated cause he has nothing else to confess to.).

How long did you go before you finally got all the truth? And how did you get it? I feel I can't move forward cause I have no closure about the HPV. I'm stuck in doubts about the past. I saw someone had a second D-Day ten months later... How did that happen? And how often does that happen? 

My mom thinks I need to let it go for the sake of my kids. (Yes, I know -rug sweeping.) Considering I spent over half my 17 year marriage in the dark that's kinda a hard thing to do. 

I have pointed out to him if I get thru this hell and more comes out down the road there will be no attempts at R. He still sticks with his story. It's gotten to where I can't question his story anymore without an explosion. (Again, this makes him look guilty. He just says he's frustrated cause he has nothing else to give me.)

Wow, once trust is broken it opens the flood gates, doesn't it?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Dday#1 - March 13
Dday#2 - Nov 6
So 10 months.
He didn't trickle truth me so much as reoffend in June and keep it secret till Nov.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

I went through 3 D-days over the course of about 5 months, the final D-day I wouldn't say anything at all, I just told my WW that I am finished working on our marriage and want a divorce. When she asked what was wrong, all I would say was "you tell me what's wrong", she spilled everything after that.

He explodes at you for questioning his story? He should be groveling that you are giving him a chance after this. You have no reason to trust him, he is the one that broke that trust, you have the right to ask him the same questions 100 times if that's what you need. That makes it sound like he's hiding something to me, make him take a poly.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I guess I'm wondering how long people were trickled truthed before the actual truth really came out. WS hasn't been in contact with ONS since it happened (I'm pretty sure of that.) and the EA ended four years ago. (I feel pretty confident on that, too.) Now there might have been other girls I don't know about on business trips, but it seems as if he'd tell me about one of them than the ONS he had back in 2003 - simply for a more recent ONS would have matched up better with my HPV test in 2008. :scratchhead:


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Onmyway said:


> I went through 3 D-days over the course of about 5 months, the final D-day I wouldn't say anything at all, I just told my WW that I am finished working on our marriage and want a divorce. When she asked what was wrong, all I would say was "you tell me what's wrong", she spilled everything after that.
> 
> He explodes at you for questioning his story? He should be groveling that you are giving him a chance after this. You have no reason to trust him, he is the one that broke that trust, you have the right to ask him the same questions 100 times if that's what you need. That makes it sound like he's hiding something to me, make him take a poly.


How do you know you finally got everything? Was it just a gut feeling?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

initial confrontation was on a wednesday- gaslighting ensued

smoking gun was on Friday

a month later wife admitted to fishing after an argument that night, would never had known if she didn't fess up right away as she used a friend's phone without her knowing while she was in the bathroom


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You know, you come to a point where you just say, to heck with it. I can't care any more whether he did x or y, or if he really did z and is still lying about it. You should be able to tell from his actions whether he's serious about R or not. There will always be some doubt in your mind, but he should be able to assuage it at least partially by proving over and over and over that he's not hiding anything NOW. And as R progresses, you get to a point where you do actually finally believe him.

My hubby broke down and told me about the hooker 5 months after he did it because things were going so well between us. I had triggered about something else, so he figured that was a good time, since I was already upset. He maintains it was a BJ and nothing more, and I have no way of ever verifying this, ever. I will never know for 100% sure that he didn't actually screw her. But I am at the point where I don't really believe he is lying about it. If I did think he was still lying, we wouldn't be where we are today as far as R goes.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

DDay 1 - Feb 26th 2011 . Found out 2 weeks after it happened the once. Eight weeks later Affair started
DDay2 - Aug 5th 2012 on / off affair for 13 months .


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> How do you know you finally got everything? Was it just a gut feeling?


Yes, a gut feeling and her reactions to my questions, along with answers to questions that I already knew the answers to.

Of course, since I can't really trust her right now, I will keep pushing for more.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> You know, you come to a point where you just say, to heck with it. I can't care any more whether he did x or y, or if he really did z and is still lying about it. You should be able to tell from his actions whether he's serious about R or not. There will always be some doubt in your mind, but he should be able to assuage it at least partially by proving over and over and over that he's not hiding anything NOW. And as R progresses, you get to a point where you do actually finally believe him.
> 
> My hubby broke down and told me about the hooker 5 months after he did it because things were going so well between us. I had triggered about something else, so he figured that was a good time, since I was already upset. He maintains it was a BJ and nothing more, and I have no way of ever verifying this, ever. I will never know for 100% sure that he didn't actually screw her. But I am at the point where I don't really believe he is lying about it. If I did think he was still lying, we wouldn't be where we are today as far as R goes.


My old MC, IC and mom all say you will never know the full truth and what good would it do you to know? You already know he cheated, it is only going to hurt you the more you know. He has said he wants to make this up to you. Yet, it EATS at me. I want to know the truth, I don't like being lied to. I don't like wondering if he was intimate with his younger coworker. And how can you live with a person that is still keeping secrets from you? I feel like at this point he would be scared to come out with anything else. He's pretty stuck with his stories. I mean, it took him ten years and a threat of a poly to finally tell me about the BJ on his business trip.

I feel certain this is not behavior he is engaging in now. (Course, I was CLUELESS about the ONS ten years ago. So who really knows anything anymore? The EA I knew something wasn't right when it was happening.) If I kept quiet, he'd probably be a better husband and dad than he's been in our entire marriage. He's helping me out at night with the kids, bringing me flowers, opening the car door for me, when things aren't bad he tries to hug me in bed, hold my hand when we're out. It's just if I try to talk to him he explodes and it wipes out everything. It makes him look guilty. He says he's just tried of the questions. I told him this morning we're such a mess and he says we don't have to be. We had a moment this morning - he does let me check his phone without saying anything, but I saw he was keeping notes on all the times I asked him questions. I got pissed. His mom has turned this on me saying I'm abusive for asking him questions. I'm not sure what he was up to there, but I didn't like it one bit. He said it was to keep a journal of what is going on with us. I pointed out he failed to mention his explosion the last time I really tried to talk to him in his notes.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Hmmm let’s see:
DD#1 4/11/09... I discovered two OM after the ILYBNILWY speech. “Just Friends... Not my condoms”.. Around a week later.. “possibly a technical EA”

11/2009. Definately an EA. Sexting with OM#1 confessed and kissing after finding some new things. Underground continued EA discovered with OM#2. False R.

1/2010... Finally admission of a PA with OM#1 to keep me in the marriage; I’d lawyered up and squirreled a divorce fund and house to live. “Just one month long”. Two weeks later... it was a year and half long. This is also the first time I started seeing real changes in her.

2/2011... Admits six more OM & a OW were ‘inappropriate’ relationships... Just kissing/groping.

11/2011... Finally confesses there was another ONS type PA/EA. 

She’s clammed up since then; I believe her IC told her not to say anything more. She won’t talk about anything she hasn’t revealed. But I know of two others she’s not confessed about from years before thanks to her friend slipping up, getting confused about what I knew, and name dropping that matches my other suspects. It fits the puzzle a lot better than my wife's "honesty".

So... the omissions are still there and I’m three years out. And she wonders why when she’s doing all this work on the current marriage I just am not ‘bonding emotionally’ and seem somewhat uncaring about her and distant. Sort of hard for me to ‘bond’ to someone I know will continue to lie to save her own skin; She’s a disposable relationship that, for at least now, I’m choosing to stay in... But it’s conditional and doesn’t even make sense to me at times.

Oh, and edit: I am still moving forward with the R though. I know she cheated and her 'why'. It just bugs me that every now and again I'll ask "Is there anything you failed to tell me?" and she'll respond that "I've told you everything."... Lies to my face.


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

hurtingbadly said:


> WS trickled truthed me for almost a month telling me he kissed a girl on a business trip. Later he told me it was actually a BJ after a threat of a poly. (He had kept the ONS from me for ten years. He also had an EA that ended four years ago.) He still holds to his BJ story seven months later. He also still insists the EA was never a PA and downplays the EA, saying it wasn't appropriate, but didn't meet any of the EA criteria we are reading in our books...
> Anyway, I still feel the BJ was possibly intercourse, the EA was more than he's telling me and/or there were other girls. My puzzle pieces don't fit together nicely. Matter of fact, they don't fit at all. I had HPV and the time and method in which he claims I got it don't add up.
> I'm getting nowhere, he's stuck with his stories for seven months now insisting it is all out. This is causing us to argue *(More he explodes cause he's tired of me asking questions and says he's frustrated cause he has nothing else to confess to.).*
> 
> ...


First, don't listen to your mom anymore for advice regarding this. I went to my best friend for advice concerning my marriage and he gave me the opposite of what was good. I now simply do not talk to him about serious relational issues. I'd advise the same. Someone giving you advice like that simply doesn't have the knowledge/experience/mind-set/perspective to help you in a healthy way.

Second, concerning what I bolded, I believe this is a huge red flag. Defensiveness is indicitive of guilt, not remorse. How do you question him? Unless you are doing it full of anger he should always be patient and willing to go over it with you etc.

Third, to answer your question, 3 weeks between Dday 1 and Dday 2 but only because the A was ongoing and I confronted with physical evidence. She then confessed everything and has since never been impatient when I routinely will ask about what happened etc...


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## brokenbloke (Feb 21, 2012)

ilovechocolate said:


> DDay 1 - Feb 26th 2011 . Found out 2 weeks after it happened the once. Eight weeks later Affair started
> DDay2 - Aug 5th 2012 on / off affair for 13 months .


err, Dday 2 happened 4 months from now??


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

3 years, almost to the day. 

Also had a sort of DD#3 two weeks into true R when I discovered he'd broken NC almost as fast as he had promised it after DD#1. He trickle truthed to the end. If all the emails *I* found didn't back up his version, I'd have kicked him to the curb.

Trickle truth is almost worse than the original betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feelingallalone (Apr 2, 2012)

DDAY#1 -- 4/18-19
DDay#2 -- 4/21

Actually NC didn't last a day....sigh.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

DD#1 - Sept. 23/11
DD#2 - April 22/12


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Three days from D-Day to her breaking NC, then 6 weeks of false R (up to D-Day 2), and three more weeks until her final admission.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

hurtingbadly it eats at me too. In MC last night I asked when do we get to the point where I get all the truth and just not what he is protecting me from??? He didn't say a word (I think he was being respectful to the counselor by letting her speak) which makes me wonder hummmmm...but he also gets this Q brought up to him lots! 

Her response was "we will visit this next session!" well crap so 2 more weeks. But I'm doing good right now so I will be patient. I do feel like if I get to the point of knowing I know EVERYTHING then I will be fine for the rest of our lives. 

DDay#1-August 13, 2010
DDay#2-March 20, 2011
DDay#3-June 22, 2011


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

I think our old MC really screwed me in getting any more truth. She said right in front of him that details don't matter, he cheated and that's all I need to know for both the ONS and the EA. Excuse me, this is my marriage and I need to know what he did in it. If that was the case we could all do whatever we wanted cause we would not need to tell our spouse. She also said in front of him I need to worry about the present, not the past. She said all of this right in front of him! Also told me I shouldn't be bothering him with questions. He still brings this up! Who knows what his IC has told him, but last time he came home he was downright cold toward me. Something along the lines I shouldn't be talking about it anymore. How convenient for him, he gets peace, but I have to keep quiet in my own hell of doubts?!? Hard not to when I know he's still keeping secrets. I really do feel he'll never come clean on his own, he's too scared and proud.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> I think our old MC really screwed me in getting any more truth. She said right in front of him that details don't matter, he cheated and that's all I need to know for both the ONS and the EA. Excuse me, this is my marriage and I need to know what he did in it. If that was the case we could all do whatever we wanted cause we would not need to tell our spouse. She also said in front of him I need to worry about the present, not the past. She said all of this right in front of him! Also told me I shouldn't be bothering him with questions. He still brings this up! Who knows what his IC has told him, but last time he came home he was downright cold toward me. Something along the lines I shouldn't be talking about it anymore. How convenient for him, he gets peace, but I have to keep quiet in my own hell of doubts?!? Hard not to when I know he's still keeping secrets. I really do feel he'll never come clean on his own, he's too scared and proud.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds to me like he (and the MC) need an education about what a betrayed spouse needs to heal from infidelity. You need to explain it to him - print some stuff out to back yourself up - and tell him the MC was dead WRONG. Tell him if he can't start giving you what you need, you will start divorce proceedings.

You won't be able to R effectively with this going on, you know that don't you?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I also had 2 Ddays 10 months apart. 
Now that the A is over I still don't know all the details and to be honest I don't want to. For me it won't achieve anything or assist in our R. I know enough to be getting on with.
But, if I do want to know anything he now answers ALL my question without a problem and that'll do for now
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

brokenbloke said:


> err, Dday 2 happened 4 months from now??


Sorry DDay 1 2010
DDay2 2011


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Sounds to me like he (and the MC) need an education about what a betrayed spouse needs to heal from infidelity. You need to explain it to him - print some stuff out to back yourself up - and tell him the MC was dead WRONG. Tell him if he can't start giving you what you need, you will start divorce proceedings.
> 
> You won't be able to R effectively with this going on, you know that don't you?


Trust me, I've given him plenty to read.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> Trust me, I've given him plenty to read.


So, how long are you going to keep banging your head against the wall then? He isn't remorseful.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> So, how long are you going to keep banging your head against the wall then? He isn't remorseful.


I know. I just feel trapped finacially, worried about the kids. And it's hard cause I've been with him for 20 years, married 17. I think he's sorry based on his severe depression. But, he does get defensive making me think is still keeping secrets. It's a mess. He's doing all the other things... Just not this one! And he knows what he needs to do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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