# Don't know how to talk with husband - a guy's perspective would be welcome



## snowrider54 (Aug 5, 2015)

My husband and I have been married for 8 1/2 years. Sex with him has never been great but I thought it would get better. I had great sex with other partners before him, so my expectations are high. He is not a passionate guy and he very easily and happily gets in a rut. Sex with him is the same thing every time. It's gotten really boring and I'd rather not have sex with him at all than do the same thing over and over. How does someone not improve over time? Anyway, we've had 3 kids over the course of our marriage and for a few months after each kid, I've had zero sex drive. Well, after baby #3, when I did finally get my sex drive back, I knew I would be disappointed with what I could get with my husband. I didn't have an affair physically, but I did engage in sexual conversations with a male friend from college. (He's the guy I always wanted to be with but the timing was always off, I guess. That's another conversation for another thread.) Anyway, this encounter made me realize that it wasn't me that was uninterested in sex. It was that I was disappointed and uninterested in the sex I was getting. I tried talking with my husband about this. How sex could be more enjoyable, that we need to not do the same thing every time, etc. He made some changes initially but now we're back in the same old rut. How do I nicely tell him that I can't keep doing this boring stuff? I obviously can't say, "I hate how you touch me and I'd rather not have sex with you." I don't know how to nicely have that conversation. Suggestions?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I would suggest counseling. It's going to take something to open his eyes. And he quite probably will never be any different. You can't make a low drive person become high drive. I had the same situation with my wife who is very low drive. Looking back on it she was always that way and I don't know why I married her. We're so different in the bedroom. I guess like you I thought it would improve but 24 years later it only got worse.

You could always tell him you want out to find better.

Good luck.


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## snowrider54 (Aug 5, 2015)

Thanks. I've been mulling that over too. Basically, I want him to be a completely different person but someone's personality doesn't change. I really don't know what to do. My kids have a good life and deserve their parents staying together but I certainly don't want this situation to continue.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

BeachGuy said:


> I would suggest counseling. It's going to take something to open his eyes. And he quite probably will never be any different. You can't make a low drive person become high drive. I had the same situation with my wife who is very low drive. Looking back on it she was always that way and I don't know why I married her. We're so different in the bedroom. I guess like you I thought it would improve but 24 years later it only got worse.
> 
> You could always tell him you want out to find better.
> 
> Good luck.


She didn't say he was low drive, she said he wasn't very good at it.

snowrider54, you say you've talked to him, but have you told him specific things you'd like him to do? Otherwise, a sex therapist (different from a marriage counselor) might be your best bet, if he is open.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Too bad you didn't realize this before you shackled...err...I mean married.... him and saddled....dammit....blessed him with 3 kids. 

Sorry if that sounds harsh, the old college guy you "always wanted to be with" takes most of my sympathy away. I'm sure I'm way off here, but it sounds like you settled for your husband even though he didn't float your boat. IMO that's a pretty awful thing to do to someone.

ETA. Something tells me this old college buddy is available now?


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## snowrider54 (Aug 5, 2015)

At the time, I didn't feel like I was settling. He was different than other guys I had been with up until that point and I thought we were a good fit. My dad died last year and that void in my life is making me realize I was foolish for marrying someone that was the polar opposite of him. He was my hero, the guy I admired and had so many of the qualities I value in a man. I realize that no one can fill the void my dad left but my husband should at least be able to step up and be something like him, but I'm not sure he can. His personality is so different. I was young, head strong and dumb when I got married and I get it. I made my bed and I have to lie in it. But yes, since you asked, the friend from college is available now.


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## snowrider54 (Aug 5, 2015)

You're right, Joey. It's not that he isn't interested in sex, he's just not good at it. I have told him specifics on what to do but he's just not an assertive, aggressive, or passionate guy. It's always very mechanical and methodical.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Oh. If you really want to get more adventurous sex with your H, you will probably have to take the lead. I doubt that he will object. Bring in some toys, or restraints, or whatever. Teach him what you mean by exciting. Show him by doing not telling. 

As a guy it's hard to guess what a woman is wanting. Sometimes, not always but sometimes, it feels like we are constantly reading signals, interpreting signs, and just plain guessing. And always wrongly I might add. It can get overwhelming. It'd be so nice and simple to hear "fvck me hard tonight" or "tie me up" or "make love to me".


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

My wife and I have been together 24 years and also, the sex was never really that good. Not until 3 or so years ago did I do something about it. I was always shy about trying new things and felt unsure about how to divulge my kinks with the mother of my 3 children. The sex kept getting worse and worse. Finally, I realized that maybe it was me. Maybe the reason why the sex was boring was because I simply sucked at it or at least was uneducated as to how to have great sex.
I got my brain straight, lost 50 pounds, started testosterone supplements and started doing research. 

I also told my wife that I did not want her faking anything and that I wanted to really try and have great sex with her. It took a couple years but I can honestly say that we/I am having the most wonderful sex at 53 years of age with a woman I have known for over 25 years. It blows my mind every time I think about it.

I say all this to give you some hope. If you both love one another, simply sit down and discuss EXACTLY how you feel and why. I think men in general have an exaggerated opinion of their own prowess in bed. I thought I was great.....NOT! On your end, you have to tell him like it is. You have to open his eyes, yet in a loving way. In a way that says, "here is the truth and let's fix it together." 

If you are already having an EA, that is not a good sign of things to come. Drop the EA or it's only going to get worse.


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## snowrider54 (Aug 5, 2015)

I'm glad to hear that there is hope, UMP! Thanks for sharing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

snowrider54 said:


> Thanks. I've been mulling that over too. Basically, I want him to be a completely different person


" (He's the guy I always wanted to be with but the timing was always off, I guess. That's another conversation for another thread.) "

It ISN'T a topic for another thread. It is definitely a topic for this one. Your husband deserves someone who chooses HIM the way he IS. Let him go.




> but someone's personality doesn't change. I really don't know what to do. My kids have a good life and deserve their parents staying together but I certainly don't want this situation to continue.


How does that help your kids?


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

snowrider54 said:


> At the time, I didn't feel like I was settling. He was different than other guys I had been with up until that point and I thought we were a good fit. My dad died last year and that void in my life is making me realize I was foolish for marrying someone that was the polar opposite of him. He was my hero, the guy I admired and had so many of the qualities I value in a man. I realize that no one can fill the void my dad left but my husband should at least be able to step up and be something like him, but I'm not sure he can. His personality is so different. I was young, head strong and dumb when I got married and I get it. I made my bed and I have to lie in it. But yes, since you asked, the friend from college is available now.


No, he probably will never be the same kind of guy your dad was. 

You know, I really have no problem with this other guy waking up your sexuality. It sucks that your husband isn't that guy, but it'd be great if you gave him a real chance to be. That means being very open and honest about what you want and need. Showing him. Taking the lead at least for a while. 

If at the end of all that you're still not compatible, go find your happiness. Sometimes it takes interest from someone else to show us what's missing. It happens. 

I read your opening post and put myself in your husbands place, hearing my wife say those words would devastate me. My worst fear come true. I probably replied a little too hard. My fault.


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## tornado (Jan 10, 2014)

Your learning a lesson many on here have already learned. 

Don't marry a project.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

snowrider54 said:


> I realize that no one can fill the void my dad left but my husband should at least be able to step up and be something like him, but I'm not sure he can. His personality is so different. I was young, head strong and dumb when I got married and I get it. I made my bed and I have to lie in it. But yes, since you asked, the friend from college is available now.


You want your husband to "step up" and be like your image of your father? I hope you recognize that for crazy talk. You married HIM. He has a right to be HIM. The only thing you can expect him to be is his best HIM.


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## RayJakeman (Jun 23, 2015)

Its a real puzzle Snow. You want a stable guy who is a good father and obviously provides for his family but also a wild, surfer,college,party good in the sack man. It does not exist. Its a fantasy. Hook up with the already available college buddy and it will lead to disaster. Your H is a good man but no one is good at everything. So this is where you come in--get busy because this sex life will be your job.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

This is what the PUA community would call an "alpha widow".....men, pls, don't marry one of these, nothing but trouble!


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

Men do what they do because they think it works. Do you fake? Stop that. 

If it ain't working then tell him what you need. And when he back slides tell him again until he realizes THAT is what works. If it is 14 different things that work at different times you are going to have to work through them all...


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Hi Snowrider I wish you the best of luck but you are in precarious position because you have so much ridding on it. You have been given some good advice to think about. Some advice men can be a bit lazy and we will find what we think works and wear it out. second be careful how you approach the subject with him because you want to be careful with his ego. Good luck


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

How old are you, husband and the kids? How about this college dream guy you're emotionally connecting yourself to? He's available? What is he perpetually a bachelor or a divorcee on the make for the next ex-Mrs college guy? 

You recently lost your dad which can be very traumatic and cause you to reevaluate your life. You say that your husband hasn't stepped up to be like your dad, implying that he's not a good man. Hubby shouldn't try to replace him in your heart or try to fill the void that his death left. He's your father. We only have one of those. 

Now you have some old BF that you're billing as some super catch that never happened. How does that boring husband who fathered your kids and probably bust his but at work to provide a good life for your family compare to the memories you had with college dream guy? Not to mention the addictive chemicals your mind is releasing for sneaking around betraying your family. 

But seriously, You need to do some soul searching because you're not thinking clearly. you're emotionally cheating on your husband and father of your 3 kids and want to blame him for the temp of your sex life. That doesn't sound to honest.

BTW college dream guy is a douche for pursuing a married mother of three.


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## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

Well, something similar happened with my wife (married for 29 years, 2 children). A few months ago I had an affair with a former girlfriend. It was a consecuence I felt not my needs met with her. 
She discovered it and become very mad. We almost broke up.
But now that the storm seems to have finally gone, we’re so much better than before the affair. We improved the relationship a lot. We are more united as a couple than ever. She now shows more willing, we have sex 2/3 times a week, even with enough oral (she almost never did before). So you see. There is always hope.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ummmm, you could make it NOT about sex, and make him do some *partner yoga* with you since you are so "worried" about his health:



















Just be careful when you orgasm to be discrete about it, or he might begin to suspect something! 

ahhhhhhmmmmm.... 












Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

I do think there is more wrong here than just skill or variety but if he is the logical sort (and he sounds like he is) there are tons of books, videos, podcasts, and other resources you could access. The way I would do it is by telling him you are just looking to make a good thing better and wanted to set off an adventure with him. Use your best sales technique. I think it would probably work.
But none of it will help if you keep fanning the old flames or doing the comparison thing. Gotta stop that first.


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