# A question for husbands working at night



## curiuswife (Dec 31, 2013)

If you are a husband working the night shift, I need your input, please. I apologize if this is a very long post.

My husband works a 12-hour shift from 5pm to 5am, 7 days every 2 weeks. I work the regular 9-5 job. And here is our most recent problem/argument.

Last year, I signed our 6-year old son for swimming classes. These are 30-minutes classes at night starting around 6:30-6:45. Some nights when husband is off, I would ask him if he could take our son so I can stay at work late to beat some deadlines (I work a very stressful job with tight deadlines). My husband normally wakes up at 3:30pm so he is already fully awake when swimming class starts. Some of those times, he would take him but ONLY after giving me a hard time by arguing with me first. There were even classes that our son had to skip because he just refused to take him even though he was at home and I couldn’t come home on time for the class.

After the first set of classes, I signed our son up again because he wasn’t really swimming yet. My husband said he did not want me signing him up again. His reason? He needs to relax after working a 12-hour shift at night! Naturally, it was even harder for me to ask him to take him whenever I can’t because of my work. So, our son had to skip even more classes.

Last month, husband signed our son up for Baseball Little League. And now, he wanted me to take him during the times that he can’t because he has to sleep. I said NO, I cannot take our son to these baseball games just like the way he said NO to me when I asked him to take him to his swimming classed. And now he said I am a bad parent? He said the swimming classes and baseball games are apples and oranges because the swimming classes did not happen at 2am, when I was supposed to be sleeping. I said that is beside the point because the swimming classes happened when he was already awake for 3 hours. My main point is, why did he refuse to take his son to swimming when he is already fully awake and not working?

I know it sounds like a revenge but yes, I just wanted him to see where I was when he refused to take his son to his extracurricular activities when I can’t. Of course, I wanted to be there when my son bats and pitches for the first time. Heck, I wanted to be there during the whole season! That is my one and only child. I do things with him and for him all the time. Between me and my husband, I do 80% for our son and he does the remaining 20%, which I understand because of his work schedule. But what I do not understand is when he refuses to do things for him when he is capable, meaning, he is off. 

I am not a bad mother. I sacrifice a lot for my son. There are a lot of nights that I would only have 4, even 3 hours, of sleep because of him and my work. I have a very stressful job with tight deadlines. I go to work, come home, take care of my son and continue to work after he goes to bed and then repeat the same cycle the following day. I am not saying he does not do things for him. But I wish he could do more so it will give me a little bit of extra time for myself, specifically for sleeping time. 

So, in your household, in a similar situation (the swimming situation), did you ever refuse to take your child to wherever he/she needs to go, when your wife cannot? If so, for what reason? I just wanted to understand so it would be an argument between me and my hubby in the future.

Thank you very much for your enlightenment.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

It sounds like you and your husband need to discuss scheduling things before following signing up, so that both of you are on the same page.

Have you heard of Marriage Builders? Dr. Harley has a great concept called the policy of joint agreement (POJA)...it means never do anything unless both parties enthusiastically agree.

Could you have a conversation where you voice your desire to sign your son up for activity X and review the schedule together. Discuss specifically what each of you could contribute to supporting your son and each other in this endeavor. 

I realize opposite shift present different challenges. But a marriage and parenting is a partnership... try working on a solution that work for both of you.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Did you ask him why he can't take his son to swimming classes on the 2-3 days he has off during the week?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I have worked the night shift and I can tell you it is exhausting. Now many of my co workers seemed to have an easier time but I struggled with it. That affected my sleep and eating pattern. And yes it was very frustrating to get up in the middle of the day, which is equivalent to the middle of the night for you and function. The first two years were the hardest as a new officer cause you are constantly in court which of course occurs at 1:30 in the afternoon. I don't know of many people who would like to get up at 1:30 am, do a couple hours of work, then try and go back to sleep. Like I said I had co workers who adjusted to this more easily than I did.

Does the possibility exist for him to move to a different shift?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I worked night shift. 12 hours shifts. Not only is your body time clock screwed up the energy when fully awake is not what is like when working day shifts. I also felt out of touch with the world. 

Anyway, signing up your child without discussing the logistics does not work. Furthermore, if I as the parent signed my child up I would fully expect ME to do the driving. Don't sign your child up until both of you agree on the logistics. 

Also, for me, swimming is a skill that all should learn. It could save your child's life. Good for you. Baseball? Well, not so much. Sure, it teaches competition and the competitive spirit. So does chess. However, chess is not every weekend and all weekend with practices after school all the time. I have friends into the baseball with their children. The spend their entire time submerged in baseball activity.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> I worked night shift. 12 hours shifts. Not only is your body time clock screwed up the energy when fully awake is not what is like when working day shifts. I also felt out of touch with the world.
> 
> Anyway, signing up your child without discussing the logistics does not work. Furthermore, if I as the parent signed my child up I would fully expect ME to do the driving. Don't sign your child up until both of you agree on the logistics.
> 
> Also, for me, swimming is a skill that all should learn. It could save your child's life. Good for you. Baseball? Well, not so much. Sure, it teaches competition and the competitive spirit. So does chess. However, chess is not every weekend and all weekend with practices after school all the time. I have friends into the baseball with their children. The spend their entire time submerged in baseball activity.


But to me it sounds like he was already up, based on the info in her OP. There wasnt a schedule change for him, so why would he not be willing to take his son? I would think he should WANT to participate in lessons and games and whatever other activities their son is doing when he actually has the chance to. He is not being asked to go out of his way, and he SHOULD be an active parent.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> But to me it sounds like he was already up, based on the info in her OP. There wasnt a schedule change for him, so why would he not be willing to take his son? I would think he should WANT to participate in lessons and games and whatever other activities their son is doing when he actually has the chance to. He is not being asked to go out of his way, and he SHOULD be an active parent.


What is missing here is the OP H schedule is completely turned around. His evenings start in the morning after work. The time similar to day time workers when the go home and unwind before bed. For the H, going to the games is a few hours or more before heading into a 12 hour graveyard shift. As a person who has worked these hours...they can be brutal. Furthermore, where is there a full weekend for the H? Friday morning you are off for the weekend. Go home to do what? Sleep the entire Friday away. You get a complete Saturday off. Come Sunday the day is cut short because you need to got some sleep before starting your night shift for the week. The night shift stinks. Specifically as we are daylight creatures. 

The logistics should have been agreed upon before registering. The only saving grace is these activities do not last all year.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> What is missing here is the OP H schedule is completely turned around. His evenings start in the morning after work. The time similar to day time workers when the go home and unwind before bed. For the H, going to the games is a few hours or more before heading into a 12 hour graveyard shift. As a person who has worked these hours...they can be brutal. Furthermore, where is there a full weekend for the H? Friday morning you are off for the weekend. Go home to do what? Sleep the entire Friday away. You get a complete Saturday off. Come Sunday the day is cut short because you need to got some sleep before starting your night shift for the week. The night shift stinks. Specifically as we are daylight creatures.
> 
> The logistics should have been agreed upon before registering. The only saving grace is these activities do not last all year.


She had said he goes in at 5pm on the weeks he works, when he isnt working, he gets up around 3:30pm. 

I understand working that shift has GOT to suck. And I do agree that the OP should work out the schedule with him before signing up for the commitments. But he is available to spend that time with his son when he isnt working.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

Night shift is awful, i gave up a good paying job for less money as i was a grouchy zombie it wipes you out, both of you need to make the effort to be home for these things more, you cut down on the oh my deadlines as if you dropped dead tomorrow the boss will just get it done anyway (took me long enough to figure it out) and if his 12 hour shifts are overtime then perhaps one less evening of of overtime would help with kids activities or a meal out together? and as another poster said schedule and communicate more, a day of broken sleep doesn't equate to a short night of restful sleep


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

What your describing is irritability, research MELATONIN, and how this hormone is not being properly managed with you H work schedule.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If the classes were in the morning when he'd be sleeping, I might side with him. I work night shifts, too. The swim classes were during hours he would normally be quite awake. I'd think he'd look forward to spending time with his kid after working 7 straight 12s on night shift. 
I don't think anyone gets sufficient rest on night shift and I have my concerns about 12 hours shifts, too. Working 7 of them straight would be pretty grueling. Melatonin might be an answer, a regular exercise routine might help.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

My dad worked the night shift for years when I was growing up. I know that his sleep schedule was always messed up, it screws with your circadian rhythm and you're never fully rested.

Having said that you'd think he'd want to make more effort to spend some time with his son.

Have you discussed whether the night shift is reasonable for him to continue? I don't see how you guys can have a marriage with opposite schedules like that.


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

I've worked night shift in one flavor or another for the past 15 years.

If I'm reading OP's description right, H works 7x12, and is then off for 2 weeks. Beyond that, there is not enough information.

Does he stay on a night schedule for the 2 weeks that he's off work, or does he try switching back to a day schedule? Myself, even when I only had 2 days off between 1 week and the next, I would switch back to a daytime schedule for those 2 days. The result of that being that I was ALWAYS tired.

If your H switches back to a day schedule for his 2 weeks off, he isn't going to be worth much for the first week. Hell, after working 7x12, he isn't going to be worth much for the first 3 or 4 days off anyway, even if he doesn't switch to a day schedule.

Night shift isn't easy. It's hard on children, it's hard on relationships, and it can actually kill you:



> _After 22 years, researchers found that the women who worked on rotating night shifts for more than five years were up to 11% more likely to have died early compared to those who never worked these shifts. In fact, those working for more than 15 years on rotating night shifts had a 38% higher risk of dying from heart disease than nurses who only worked during the day. Surprisingly, rotating night shifts were also linked to a 25% higher risk of dying from lung cancer and 33% greater risk of colon cancer death._


Shift Work: Night Shifts Linked to Early Death


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Years ago I worked in the power industry. 12 hour days and nights as well.

I will tell you for fact that on that schedule most people need an above average amount of sleep as it really does a number on your body. Speaking for myself back them I basically worked, commuted (45 min each way). So basically 10 hours per day for sleep, eat, shower, etc. It's tough and THE reason I left the field. 

My ex wife did carry a lot more of the load back then and I thanked her for it. Luckily my schedule was 4 on 4 off and rotated days/nights so wasn't all at night.

He should help out but reality is that schedule is very demanding to keep up while still maintaining a normal home life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yeswecan said:


> What is missing here is the OP H schedule is completely turned around. His evenings start in the morning after work. The time similar to day time workers when the go home and unwind before bed. For the H, going to the games is a few hours or more before heading into a 12 hour graveyard shift. As a person who has worked these hours...they can be brutal. *Furthermore, where is there a full weekend for the H? Friday morning you are off for the weekend.* Go home to do what? Sleep the entire Friday away. You get a complete Saturday off. Come Sunday the day is cut short because you need to got some sleep before starting your night shift for the week. The night shift stinks. Specifically as we are daylight creatures.
> 
> The logistics should have been agreed upon before registering. The only saving grace is these activities do not last all year.


The OP said that he works 12 hour shifts for 7 days. Then he has 7 days off. That's his schedule. So he has a 7 day 'weekend' between the weeks that he works.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Her husband is off 7 days in a row. I get that night shift is very hard. But he should be able to spend some time taking his son to swimming lessons once or twice during the week that he's off... especially since it's during the time when he is already awake.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

She said he works 7 days every 2 weeks. We dont know if that is 4 on 2 off, 3 on 5 off, or some other weird rotation, or if it is straight 7 days on 7 off. If it is a weird rotation, it is even worse.

I have worked every shift there is. The shift being described is brutal. I have almost been in many car crashes driving home in the morning when I was younger. Even when you wake up at 3-4 in the afternoon, you aren't 'awake'. I never got anywhere near fully awake until I got to work. Then, I got home in the morning and collapsed into my bed. Worked that shift for a year. I still do that one from time to time chasing bad guys, but not too often, thankfully.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Her husband is off 7 days in a row. I get that night shift is very hard. But he should be able to spend some time taking his son to swimming lessons once or twice during the week that he's off... especially since it's during the time when he is already awake.


I'm going with the week or two weeks of nights then the week or two weeks of days like most workplaces until op states otherwise and it is brutal to the system and makes you very drained and almost lazy when off duty, how ever if as you state he has 7 days complete rest then you are correct he can help


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## Lone Shadow (Aug 5, 2014)

altawa said:


> She said he works 7 days every 2 weeks. We dont know if that is 4 on 2 off, 3 on 5 off, or some other weird rotation, or if it is straight 7 days on 7 off. If it is a weird rotation, it is even worse.
> 
> I have worked every shift there is. The shift being described is brutal. I have almost been in many car crashes driving home in the morning when I was younger. Even when you wake up at 3-4 in the afternoon, you aren't 'awake'. I never got anywhere near fully awake until I got to work. Then, I got home in the morning and collapsed into my bed. Worked that shift for a year. I still do that one from time to time chasing bad guys, but not too often, thankfully.


Yep. Even though I might wake up somewhere between 3 and 6 PM, I'm not actually what I would call awake until close to 10pm. I've gotten very proficient at driving by braille, and I'm half convinced my car has an autopilot feature.

I work 7 days of night shift, followed by 5 days off, as part of my normal work rotation. Then I try to flip from a night to day schedule. My first day off really isn't, because I am completely non-functional. I feel like a lazy [email protected] until day 4, just because I don't have any energy for anything. 

Sleeping pills to help adjust my schedule aren't an option. Single dad of 2, youngest is turning 2 in a couple months. If something happens in the middle of the night, I have to be able to get up and function. Same goes for middle of the day, but I trust my sitters to be able to handle things during the day when they are there.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I used to work a rolling rota of;
7 nights (2200-0600)
2 days off
6 lates (1400-2200)
1 day off
7 earlies (0600-1400)
4 days off
Start all over.

The nights used to screw me up big time. I never really slept during the day then just as I was beginning to get used to it...all change..lates.

I never slept properly on nights....I would get home at about 0630 and be on a bit of an adrenalin high (police)..I never really got to bed until about 0800. It would take me an hour to get to sleep...I would be woken up by the telephone, my wife having a shower, the front door being banged shut ('sorry, the wind caught it'..) etc.
I was a bad tempered ba$tard!

I would not let my wife commit me/us to anything during my week of nights because I was in effect useless.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Her husband is off 7 days in a row. I get that night shift is very hard. But he should be able to spend some time taking his son to swimming lessons once or twice during the week that he's off... especially since it's during the time when he is already awake.


Does not matter. The internal clock is upside down. Switching the clock from night to day and back again constantly wears one thin. I have experienced this as well as my father who worked many nights as a ER physician. 

However, the OP H signed their child up for baseball that the H appears to be happy with. He will drive the son to the games. It does not appear he is interested in the swim lessons for his son therefore is being difficult with the driving to and from lessons. 

Might be off base here but I see it this way.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> Does not matter. The internal clock is upside down. Switching the clock from night to day and back again constantly wears one thin. I have experienced this as well as my father who worked many nights as a ER physician.
> 
> However, the OP H signed their child up for baseball that the H appears to be happy with. He will drive the son to the games. It does not appear he is interested in the swim lessons for his son therefore is being difficult with the driving to and from lessons.
> 
> Might be off base here but I see it this way.


Yes. I also don't think OP meant 7 days in a row. 

And what you're saying here was exactly me. I had co workers who would go back to a normal sleeping schedule on days off just to go back to day sleeping when working. I couldn't do it. I was just exhausted all the time. So I had to go to a permanent schedule of staying up all night even on days off just to keep everything the same.

The absoulte hardest thing was a week of vacation. Just about the time you got used to the "normal" schedule you had to reverse it and go back. That really sucked. 

All this is making me wonder why I'm trying to get promoted to go back to this lol


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

I used to work midnights and I know the hell it wreaks on your system and on one's ability to sleep properly. I always flipped to sleeping at night on my 2 day weekends just so I could participate in normal life some of the time but it wasn't easy and I was always very tired. 

Your husband needs to act like a Dad on his whole week off as life is no longer just about what he wants or needs. He already misses most of the kid's life with his crappy hours. 

If he won't do it then you know you married a guy that doesn't wish to be a father and you'll have to do whatever you feel you need to do about that. I wouldn't be happy about it. 

Power playing him by not taking the kid to baseball makes you look as selfish as he is so I wouldn't do that as it punishes the kid however you both should be discussing what you are signing him up for before you do it and discuss each of your roles that are required to make it happen to ensure you agree.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Row Jimmy said:


> I used to work midnights and I know the hell it wreaks on your system and on one's ability to sleep properly. I always flipped to sleeping at night on my 2 day weekends just so I could participate in normal life some of the time but it wasn't easy and I was always very tired.
> 
> Your husband needs to act like a Dad on his whole week off as life is no longer just about what he wants or needs. He already misses most of the kid's life with his crappy hours.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Stop keeping score at the expense of your son. 

Take your son to little league when your husband can't do it without putting up a fight. 

Who knows, maybe he'll start taking him to swim lessons without complaining.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

I think Omar nailed it....the one losing out in this dynamic is the son. The ambiguity when the parents do not have a united front can be disconcerting for the child.


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## Pufferfish (Sep 25, 2013)

curiuswife said:


> Last month, husband signed our son up for Baseball Little League. And now, he wanted me to take him during the times that he can’t because he has to sleep. I said NO, I cannot take our son to these baseball games just like the way he said NO to me when I asked him to take him to his swimming classed. And now he said I am a bad parent? He said the swimming classes and baseball games are apples and oranges because the swimming classes did not happen at 2am, when I was supposed to be sleeping. I said that is beside the point because the swimming classes happened when he was already awake for 3 hours. My main point is, why did he refuse to take his son to swimming when he is already fully awake and not working?
> 
> I know it sounds like a revenge but yes, I just wanted him to see where I was when he refused to take his son to his extracurricular activities when I can’t.
> I am not a bad mother. I sacrifice a lot for my son. There are a lot of nights that I would only have 4, even 3 hours, of sleep because of him and my work. I have a very stressful job with tight deadlines. I go to work, come home, take care of my son and continue to work after he goes to bed and then repeat the same cycle the following day. I am not saying he does not do things for him. But I wish he could do more so it will give me a little bit of extra time for myself, specifically for sleeping time.


I am assuming that your husband is not working nights thru his own choosing. 

You won't appreciate the effects of working nights unless you have actually done it. You won't be anywhere close to feeling 100%, even after a good "Days" sleep. It is much worse if you have to rotate and do the day shifts too simply because your body clock is constantly off balance. 

You say you understand your husbands hours, but you don't. Not really as you seem to equate it to your 9-5 job plus overtime and your after work activities. 

I suggest that you take a week off from your regular 9-5 job. Stay awake for your husband's night shift hours for a week & see if you are still honestly eager to attend swim class after you wake up. If you are, then fair enough and I take my hat off to you. 

I've done shift work for the past 18 years and the nights shifts are still tough. Luckily, my missus understands because she used to do shift work too. 

I have to say though. Denying your poor lad baseball just to make a point is a bit harsh, especially after how you claim to sacrifice for him.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Pufferfish said:


> I am assuming that your husband is not working nights thru his own choosing.
> 
> *You won't appreciate the effects of working nights unless you have actually done it. You won't be anywhere close to feeling 100%, even after a good "Days" sleep. It is much worse if you have to rotate and do the day shifts too simply because your body clock is constantly off balance.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

In a perfect world, both parents would fulfill their obligations to their children. But, since we don't live in one, don't let the child pay the price for one parent's inability or selfishness.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I know it sounds like a revenge but yes, I just wanted him to see where I was when he refused to take his son to his extracurricular activities


Your husband is right. You're a bad parent. Your son did nothing to deserve this crappy attitude of yours.

Honestly, when someone works nights, you can pretty much consider them "off the hook" when it comes to most other tasks. It's just a crazy way of living that day-time people don't understand. I side with your husband because I know what working nights means. It means early death.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

My H works 3 to 11 M-F and 3 am to 3 am on the weekends. Not only is it exhausting but depressing too. My H isn't motivated to do much when he is home and I wouldnt ask him too. Not taking your son to practicd is just wrong because its out of spite. Were these things discussed beforehand?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Oops meant 3pm to 3am
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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