# I screwed up



## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

Well, I did something really stupid last night, and I got caught doing it. Last night I was crying again, husband went out with friends again, he cancelled our counseling session last week, and so I had a few drinks myself. I got a little tipsy, and I messaged my ex - and said way too much! I said things like I missed him and I still dream of him. I was reaching for someone to care! And it was stupid! It was so stupid, and husband came home late, and drunk, read the messages on my iPad, and left.
We have been messaging back and forth all morning. He's livid, understandably. I apologized up and down and asked for his forgiveness. He said he doesn't want me or this marriage, and I told him I would never sign papers and I didn't even want to say the D word. Honestly I don't know if he will be able to forgive me. Tensions are very high right now, and I am very ashamed. I don't know what made me do what I did. I wish I could take it back, but I can't.

Before this, we have been trying to work on distance that had grown over 2 years time. By we, I mean mostly me, but then I did this really stupid thing. We have been married 10 years and have an 8-year-old child. He is using my stupid mistake as a reason for wanting to end it, but I can't help but think of everything leading up to this, not that I want to excuse my crappy decision.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Both of you should stop drinking, clear your heads for a bit and then evaluate your marriage.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

I plan on the elimination of alcohol. I hear what you're saying, but I have been having such a hard time expressing my feelings with him. I have done things daily for 6 months to try and mend what has been broken, and I just don't feel the return. I should not have done what I did, and I will never forgive myself for it. I am scared at this point. I don't want to end things, but you can't have a marriage that one person wants and another does not. I am so lost right now. Never thought I would be in this situation, and I did it to myself! I am not this type of person - it was a stupid choice in a vulnerable moment. We live on the other side of the world from each other, and I would never do anything physical with anyone. It was a stupid cry for help for attention from a man. I haven't had attention from my husband in so long, and I have talked to him about that many times in the last 6 months, but he hasn't heard me like I needed him to.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Shanna,

Well, not sure if there has been infidelity involved in this other than what you just wrote ( and yes that was infidelity) calling your ex. The first thing you should figure out, other than making sure you DO stay off the booze, is how you are now going to communicate to your ex that what happened the other night is NOT going to ever happen again.

Then, you need to figure out how to tell your husband, and convince him, that you will not do it again. My suggestion is to prepare a written communication and let your husband see it BEFORE you send it. And it better not be "mushy" or unclear.

If you expound on what these "problems" in your marraige have been, you will get more advice. 

And when your husband contacts you again, the first topic is the booze. Neither of you should have any


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

I know for my part that the only infidelity was the messages that I wrote last night back and forth.
I don't believe there is infidelity on his part.
I don't know that he would want me to ever write him again even for that, but I will ask him and if he says yes, I will attempt that letter, and let him know that I will do that.

Agreed on the alcohol - but I know that will be a difficult thing for him - he drinks almost daily, and I drink often too, but not as much as him. I know I don't need it, especially if my marriage is on the line - I'm not sure about how his reaction will be.

Problems = we have grown in distance over a 2-year time span, when 6 months ago, we got into a big fight and all of our problems came out. Our lack of communication, lack of intimacy, religion (which we are now on the same page in - I just went through a difficult time for awhile - but I asked if we could start going to church and he agreed) and his job, friends, going out, drinking, always coming before me and our son. He would always ask me if I cared if he went out, and I wasn't honest with him and said it was fine, because I didn't want to be a nag, and wanted him to be able to go out without having to ask. My justification was always - if he really wanted to be home with me and our son, then he would be- 
I guess that's mainly what we are going through. I can't explain everything in one letter.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Shanna,

Well, if you two can afford MC, you might consider it. Seems to be a lot of issues and there are two sides to every story. But nothing gets solved without HONEST communication, and telling him to go out and drink because you do not want to be a nag is not honest, as it builds resentment in you that manifests itself in other ways.

You state there is no infidelity on his part. ??? OK, I am assuming these wild buddies he is going drinking with all the time, rather than being with you, are all rfeady for the monestary??? If he is out in bars till all hours of the night with a bunch of guys acting like morons, don't make any definitive statements about this. And the same goes for you if you are hanging out with single and divorced girlfriends acting like you are on Spring break. Does not sound like that is the case here.

Right now, if he went storming off in a rage declaring it is over because of your extra curricular phone call to your ex, then that is the first thing YOU have to address. The marriage problems are 50-50, but that one is 100% on you. You own it and you have to fix it.

Now I may have missed it but how did your ex react. Does he think he is a candidate for some no strings attached sex from what you said to him??? my guess is yes, so how are you going to "enlighten" him, and convince him that that is not going to happen in this lifetime.???? Because my guess is your husband is going to use that possibility as a reason to not sit down rationally right now. It is the elephant in the room. Ask him how he thinks you should handle it. And if you are communicating with your ex on social media, BLOCK HIM IMMEDIATELY.
And if he lives in proximity to you, DO NOT go meet him personally to "explain".

Now while this is going on, you might want to consider seeing an attorney, because you need to find out what the real world is if your husband and you do not work on this. And it will take BOTH of you 100% COMMITTED to work on it, not him partying and you playing Mrs. Mom being pissed off he is out and you are alone.

You are fortunate, even though you do not know it. You did NOT get drunk, call your ex, and then have sex with him. So now you need to decide what YOU want. It sounds , from you realizing you made a "mistake", that you are open to tryin g to stay married. 

And understand this. What you did in a drunken state the other night can probably be classified as a "mistake". Doing it again is a conscious decision. You do not get a do over on that one


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Shanna, I think you should let your husband go. Why trying to hold on to someone who does not want to be with you?


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

We did start marriage counseling a few months ago (we have only been to 3 sessions and he cancelled last weeks due to work) and I really hope he agrees to go back after what I did.
He is usually not out in bars drinking at all hours of the night, but at his work friends houses. I certainly do not hang out with single or divorced girlfriends - I have very few friends actually. I live in Okinawa on the other side of the world from my family, and also the other side of the world from the ex I contacted. It was one time, and no advances like you said were made, but I said awful things, like I miss him because he was my first love, dream of him often, and that I was having marriage issues and was feeling very alone. Even saying these things again makes me sick. I am disgusted with myself. I don't feel that way, I was just craving attention from someone even if it was only on the Internet. It was through Facebook messenger, and I deleted him already and I deactivated my Facebook account for the time being to just reflect on what I've done. I mainly use Facebook to keep in contact with family. 
He has come home since everything happened but we are not talking now. He needs to cool off. I get it.
My ex was nice and just said that he missed me too and thinks of me too, but that he hoped that things would work out in my marriage, because I did tell him that was ultimately what I wanted - I was just feeling alone. I will ask my husband how he thinks I should handle it once he is talking to me.
I definitely want my marriage to work - I would never do anything like this again, I just don't know how to convince him that I would never do this again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

When you begin someone who doesn't want you they don't see you as someone of value.

How do you know your hb isn't cheating when he's out drinking with his friends?

TAM is quite fond of claiming that girls night out leads to cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

It sounds like your ex handled your reaching out to him with kindness, understanding and maturity. Why did you two break up?


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

I guess I don't know for sure, but honestly - I don't believe he would. It's hard for me to point fingers at him when I know I am the one who actually did the screwing up.
And to jld - I can't leave this marriage. I just can't - I want it to work and I am going to keep praying for it to work. I just wish I could make my husband understand how sorry I am.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

He did handle it well jld, but we broke up like 15 years ago, and I have been married for 10. He was a pretty rotten guy when we dated, but we had one of those very intense relationships. Very high, very low. He cheated on me many times, he physically abused me, emotionally abused me - it was pretty bad, but when it was great it was great, which is why I stuck around back then, and I was young.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This can't even be called an emotional affair. It was a one-time F/Up. Don't let it become more than once. Booze and loneliness are a bad combination. I'd be more concerned about why your husband prefers to spend his free time with work buddies than his wife and son. More marriage counseling is definitely needed.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

can you provide a little more background?

what is this "distance" that you say has developed over the past 2 yrs?

you say you have been trying to work on it. what do you mean by this?

regarding your husband going out and drinking with co-workers-- I believe you wrote that you are in Japan. I have heard that this is very typical and nearly required in some work environments there. Can you elaborate on this?


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## rafaelandy (May 8, 2013)

shana7243,

first (probably the most important) - DO NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN. if you repeat that kind of mistake - i guarantee you that will be the end of your marriage.

understand that your husband is hurting for what you did. you are also hurting because of his behaviors. but what you did is in a different level. 

address your "mistake" first. do not or as much as possible, do not talk about his drinking issues for the meantime.

he is thinking that you are having an affair ( i will ). he doesn't trust you. for him, you can't be relied on...you're not safe. do everything you can to show and prove to him that it was a "one time drunken mistake", nothing more. do everything you can to let him know and feel that he is the 

only man you love and care for. do this consistently, and muster an infinite amount of PATIENCE because you will be in a long haul in recovering his trust. ask him what will it take to EARN HIS TRUST AGAIN. 

at the same time, work on your self. you definitely have a baggage to deal with. why did you have to "need" another man to "care" for you? why didn't you call friends or relatives perhaps if you wanted to talk to 

somebody? why your ex? why another man?...you have a child. focus on your child instead of wanting attention from other men. if you're feeling alone, focus on your child...you kid needs you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your husband already had one foot out the door of the marriage, you just opened it all the way...gave him an excuse. Stop clinging to someone who doesn't want to be with you, if he wants out, let him go. You only devalue yourself in his eyes by trying so hard to hold on. It makes you look weak to him, and that only pushes him further away.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your husband already had one foot out the door of the marriage, you just opened it all the way...gave him an excuse. Stop clinging to someone who doesn't want to be with you, if he wants out, let him go. You only devalue yourself in his eyes by trying so hard to hold on. It makes you look weak to him, and that only pushes him further away.


I agree with 3Xnocharm.

OP you are so focused on this single event that you have lost sight of the fact your marriage has been in trouble for the last couple of years.

Many people have trouble saying the words "I want out of this marriage" but their actions shout it out loud and clear. If you and your husband can't openly communicate I suggest writing him a note, a very short note, don't rehash the last couple of years.

"We need to make a decision on working to save our marriage or working on a plan to end our marriage. I need to know where you stand and we will go from there."

If you both aren't focused on the same goal then the cycle of misery just continues.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> This can't even be called an emotional affair. It was a one-time F/Up. Don't let it become more than once. Booze and loneliness are a bad combination. I'd be more concerned about why your husband prefers to spend his free time with work buddies than his wife and son. More marriage counseling is definitely needed.




Thank you! I needed to hear this. I have so much guilt and have had such a a rough time. I agree and I am going to call first thing Monday morning to schedule another session. I just hope he agrees to go to it.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

Cooper said:


> I agree with 3Xnocharm.
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I hear you. I have seen so many marriages fail though and I really don't want mine to be one of them. We have a son as well, and I do not want to do that to him. 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your husband already had one foot out the door of the marriage, you just opened it all the way...gave him an excuse. Stop clinging to someone who doesn't want to be with you, if he wants out, let him go. You only devalue yourself in his eyes by trying so hard to hold on. It makes you look weak to him, and that only pushes him further away.




This is a difficult thing to read, but thank you for your input. 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

rafaelandy said:


> shana7243,
> 
> first (probably the most important) - DO NOT EVER DO IT AGAIN. if you repeat that kind of mistake - i guarantee you that will be the end of your marriage.
> 
> ...




I know that patience will have to be a virtue with me now. And yes, I have baggage... Most people do. I was with my ex for 5 years (hs and after) and he abused me (physically and emotionally) -- while I was dealing with that unhealthy relationship, my Mom committed suicide (I was 16) and I found a lot of comfort with my ex (it wasn't always bad). I finally broke free from all of it, but it left a lot of scars...
I was happily married for 8 of the last 10 years, but I don't know what happened - the last 2 have been so hard.
I do focus on my child more than anyone! Everyone says what a great Mom I am, even my husband that doesn't think of me as a good wife (I don't blame him) I do so much for my son, and most of it I do alone. I already feel like a single parent in the emotional sense of the word. Last year, I volunteered all the time at his school, I work with daily on education, take him to all kinds of new, fun, sometimes cultural events (we live in Okinawa).
I also over the past 2 years discovered something that makes ME happy, and that was running. I have run 2 marathons, 2 1/2 marathons, and numerous other races. All of these things help....but in addition to that I have been dealing with my marriage, and it is really taking its toll on me. Back in February, I made a commitment to really work on the distance that grew, and I had, and then had a stupid moment where I screwed up. I can't go back. I can only move forward.
I don't believe in divorce and I know a lot of people are saying to let it go and I look weak by wanting to hold on, but divorce is something I really don't want to do, and I would do whatever is necessary to avoid it. Letting go seems like the easy way. The easy way is usually not the right way.



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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Your husband already had one foot out the door of the marriage, you just opened it all the way...gave him an excuse. Stop clinging to someone who doesn't want to be with you, if he wants out, let him go. You only devalue yourself in his eyes by trying so hard to hold on. It makes you look weak to him, and that only pushes him further away.




I know I gave him an excuse. I hate myself for it. People make mistakes though, and I do not want to throw away the last 10 years of marriage. I guess everyone looks weak sometimes. I screwed up and now I have to figure out how to fix it. Even if it takes a really long time.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Shanna

Ok, a couple of things. You state you will never sign divorce papers or get divorced. What you have to realize is that you can only control you, not your husband.
Now this screw up was not good, but he is magnifying it because of the other problems. If he read the communication, it appears it was not SEXUAL , just emotional, and you state that your ex even said he hoped your marriage worked out, and that you clearly stated that also in the communication.
Consider yourself lucky that you are in Okinawa and not ten miles from ex or we know what might have happened. 
Someone trained needs to help you two get to the root of what has occurred in the last two years that has gotten you two to this point. And right now, your husband is feeling justified in whatever his side of this is because you just made inappropriate contact with your ex, so rebuilding trust is paramount.
And this is never going to resolve itself if he is spending virtually no time with you and all of his spare time at his buddies drinking beer.

I would urge you to do everything short of drugging him to get him back into MC if you have one you trust. 
If you are not going to send a NC communication to your ex, you need to make absolutely sure that there is no social media that your husband can find even an unsolicited message on from your ex since at present he does not know your husband saw the first one that you did when drunk.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
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What does TAM mean?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Shanna7243 said:


> What does TAM mean?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


This site: talk about marriage
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Shanna,

My immediate thought on what you did is that your H interpreted it as meaning that you never fell out of love with your ex, and as a result it invalidated everything you ever had with your H. He may have always felt that he was your second choice.

I would suspect he also feels that you never had the passion for him that you have or had for your ex.

Sometimes people will feel inferior to their spouse for years and just the right trigger will cause all of that accumulated self-contempt to fall in on them. 

It matters if your H thinks the above is true, not if it is true, try to find out how he feels with trying to defend or justify yourself. 

Tamat


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> This site: talk about marriage
> _Posted via Mobile Device_




Thank you 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> Shanna,
> 
> My immediate thought on what you did is that your H interpreted it as meaning that you never fell out of love with your ex, and as a result it invalidated everything you ever had with your H. He may have always felt that he was your second choice.
> 
> ...




How do you even ask that question? I can assure you he isn't my second choice. I feel awful if he feels that way. I never thought about that though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Why did her cancel the counselling session?

And after what you did, why do you seem surprised that your husband seems keen on splitting up?


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Why did her cancel the counselling session?
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> 
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> And after what you did, why do you seem surprised that your husband seems keen on splitting up?




He cancelled it because of work, which is why a lot of things get cancelled when it comes to family. I am usually understanding about it, but with our marriage the way it's been for so long, it just has been harder and harder to deal with.

I am not surprised I guess - I just don't believe in divorce, and we are both Christians, and yes, I made an awful mistake, but I don't think divorce is the right answer. It would be the easy choice (for him at least) but easy isn't always right. We did once have an amazing marriage, and I do not want to throw away 10 years, and we have a son. 

He has also made mistakes these past couple of years (nothing like what I did), but I am not the only one responsible for the way our marriage is right now. I am the one that made a very stupid mistake, that I would never do again.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Not knowing your situation to any depth, all we can do is offer advice and/or opinion with much of the substance being filled in with supposition. The best we can hope for is that you may glean some wisdom from these posts that, when applied to the specifics of your situation, may provide a favorable outcome for you. So, having said that, I would posit that your H is not necessarily ready to end the marriage.

He is very hurt and most likely shocked by his recent discovery however, his reaction suggests that he has not lost all interest in the marriage. Understand that if he were truly not concerned about the marriage his response would be more one of apathy and disinterest. His show of strong emotion, as anger, could indicate his concern for the union. If that is the case then the object of your focus should be on communication.

You need to, first and foremost, convince him that your behavior was out of desperation and not true feelings for your ex. He must understand that your contacting the ex was a desperate, albeit misguided, act to get his attention. You must make him see and believe this. Some have suggested a letter and I would agree that a well worded, carefully crafted letter may indeed spur some thoughtful consideration on his part.

Some have also suggested that pursuing him might have the opposite effect and actually push him away. I too believe this is true to a point. You need to strike a balance between causing him to realize that you are sincere and available and ready to do whatever is necessary and appearing needy and clingy. A difficult task but not impossible. Again I believe that communication is the only real weapon in your arsenal.

Understand that this will not be easy nor will it be quick but if you are dedicated and sincere it may be possible to overcome this IF he sees your true intent.

If you are successful then you must deal with his neglectful behavior and alcohol consumption. Perhaps counseling may be of some benefit in that area but it must be dealt with in whatever way you can get him to agree to. He is a father and husband and his place is not over at some friends house getting drunk every night. And I also strongly suggest that you limit your alcohol intake as well perhaps even stopping altogether at least until your marriage is back on track.

I do not know what has occurred over the last two years but whatever it was must be recognized and dealt with to resolution if your marriage is not to fall prey to this again. I wish you strength and good fortune.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Shanna
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I have asked him how he wants me to handle the NC communication to my ex, and he said it is up to me to handle it however I want. He did say that I can talk to whoever I want and that he believes I'm sorry. He just doesn't know what his next move will be. He also said he feels lost and embarrassed. I told him I am the one who should feel embarrassed because my actions were disgraceful. 
As far as my ex, I think I will block him on social media (facebook) - that was how I contacted him, and besides that just leave it alone. I don't want to say anything to him anyways. I would have if my husband liked the idea I presented to him though.
I have asked him about times that might be good for MC and if he would go and he hasn't answered me yet. I plan on calling Monday anyways and making the appointment, letting him know, and praying he will come around to wanting to go.

Any ideas on how to build trust? How does one do that on a day to day basis with purpose? Obviously being trustworthy, but is there any special actions I can take to make the process move a little faster?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Shanna7243 said:


> I got a little tipsy, and I messaged my ex - and said way too much! I said things like I missed him and I still dream of him. I was reaching for someone to care! And it was stupid!


My answer?

No long, drawn-out sch-peal. No poetic non-sense.

Go to church and pray. And mean it. 

This ball is in your husbands court [and he can't hit squat]. Not that I can see.

THE powers to be may be your only reprieve.

In the meantime, be the best person that you can be.

Sorry for your plight.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Couple things, it's not over yet. So take a deep breath. No matter what work on yourself, that is an investment no matter what happens. Quitting drinking is a good start. I would also tell your husband that you have decided to quit because of how you hurt him. This is a good peace offering. Later it will give you some leverage to get him to do the same. 

You are both Christians so first thing is I suggest that you ask him to pray with you just 5 minutes a day. You pray for your marriage, he prays for your marriage. This may help break down some of the pain and pride that has built up between the two of you. 

Second you said in one of your posts that you just would go with the flow when he would go out drinking even though you didn't like it. Have you stopped that because in any relationship you need to say what you need, it is your right? If not I would not nag him about it but I would say. "When you go out with your friends it makes me feel like you don't want to be with our family. I am all alone here and I need you as my husband to be with me". Entreat him. Play on his natural protector instinct. You also might want to remind him why you fell in love with him and why you married him. Again entreat don't confront. 

Proverbs 15:1 
A gentle answer deflects anger, but harsh words make tempers flare. (This is easy to write but hard to do though). 

Third keep you eyes open. Any spouse going out every night is a prime candidate for an affair. Some of the stuff you have posted could be red flags. I would do some checking if you can. Don't get caught though. Or maybe just ask him, this may be a shock to him if he is not. 

I know that advice doesn't sound consistent but I believe in trust but verify.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> My answer?
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Thank you! I like your advice! 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Couple things, it's not over yet. So take a deep breath. No matter what work on yourself, that is an investment no matter what happens. Quitting drinking is a good start. I would also tell your husband that you have decided to quit because of how you hurt him. This is a good peace offering. Later it will give you some leverage to get him to do the same.
> 
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I have thought of that. Telling him I am going to quit drinking. I don't want to say I'll never do it again, because a glass of wine with dinner at a party doesn't seem wrong to me, BUT I will tell him that I plan on quitting all together until our marriage is back where it needs to be and that I will not ever indulge again, if that makes sense. I like this idea.
I do need to be more upfront about how I feel about things. I have done the go with the flow thing ever since I was a kid - I saw my parents do it, and that's what I do. I need to work on changing this aspect of myself. It won't be easy, as I am always artful of any kind of confrontation, and sometimes even when I don't mean to come across in a confrontational way, I do, which is why it has always been easier to just "go with the flow".

I did ask him if I were to look on his phone or computer if there would be anything that might make him seem like he is doing anything wrong, and he said absolutely not, and I guess all I can do is believe him. I don't like spying on people. I would like to trust that he means what he says.

Thank you for your advice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Shanna7243 said:


> I have thought of that. Telling him I am going to quit drinking. I don't want to say I'll never do it again, because a glass of wine with dinner at a party doesn't seem wrong to me, BUT I will tell him that I plan on quitting all together until our marriage is back where it needs to be and that I will not ever indulge again, if that makes sense. I like this idea.
> I do need to be more upfront about how I feel about things. I have done the go with the flow thing ever since I was a kid - I saw my parents do it, and that's what I do. I need to work on changing this aspect of myself. It won't be easy, as I am always artful of any kind of confrontation, and sometimes even when I don't mean to come across in a confrontational way, I do, which is why it has always been easier to just "go with the flow".
> 
> I did ask him if I were to look on his phone or computer if there would be anything that might make him seem like he is doing anything wrong, and he said absolutely not, and I guess all I can do is believe him. I don't like spying on people. I would like to trust that he means what he says.
> ...


Talk to him like I say from a position of vulnerability. "Husband I am away from my family, I am lonely here, I want to spend more time with you." "I need you as my husband to help me with my loneliness". "Yes you! because you are my best friend."

Also men need sex to bond. This is how men express and receive love. Don't know what your situation is, just saying. 

Ask him that you both open up your phones to each other. "Husband since this happened I think maybe we should have an open phone policy." See how he reacts. 

I think the letter is a good idea too. Take some time and think about why your married him, what he meant to you when you first met him. Some of the things you have shared. What your life together means to you. Put that down pen to paper and just leave it for him one day. He probably won't come up to you crying or anything but it will once again entreat him. Plus it is a good way to say sorry and also to get him to stop thinking that he is plan B. 

Finally my most radical suggestion. Do the pray thing. Not to get preachy but once you do that you add another force in your marriage. One who has some cards up his sleeves. 

Look, at worst your husband will be like, "man she really is serious about this."


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Talk to him like I say from a position of vulnerability. "Husband I am away from my family, I am lonely here, I want to spend more time with you." "I need you as my husband to help me with my loneliness". "Yes you! because you are my best friend."
> 
> Also men need sex to bond. This is how men express and receive love. Don't know what your situation is, just saying.
> 
> ...




I look forward to actually talking to him....So today, I took our son to the pool to get out of the house and help him have a good time, even though I am feeling horrible about the events of the past few days.
While I was there, I took your advice to let him know that I was going to quit drinking because of how I hurt him. He said he didn't think it was necessary, and then a few minutes later, told me he was going to stay in a hotel tonight, and to lie to our son and say he had to work and tell him that he loves him very much. I did of course, only because I am not going to suck our child into our problems, but it didn't feel good.
When we got home, I saw he took the rest of the beer that was in the fridge - still praying, but again, it's things like this that make me just want to cry and cry. I responded to him with this - " you know how I feel about you leaving, but I respect your decision to do what you have to do. Know that I will be praying for you, me, and our marriage at our house today, and I will be going to church with our son tomorrow." Part of me wants to say more, but I don't know what that is just yet, and I don't want to come from a place of anger, so I need to think about it longer. I do want to write him a letter though.
The last time we had a huge fight (in February) he left for a week, and that was when the problems of the last two years came out, which was good, but I hated that he left. He knew I hated it. Now he left again. I just feel like you can't solve anything by just leaving. I also know he needs to cool down and I'm not sure how long that will take. I'm deeply saddened that he will most likely be drinking tonight though. 


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Have you considered going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get help with stopping drinking? And to Al Anon for support with your husband's drinkng?


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## Natthewife (Jun 16, 2014)

Reaching out to an ex is a clear sign your dealing with unfinished business and the fact you told him u missed him is an even clearer sign you have alot of troubles in your marriage. 
There's alot you need to work through. Your husband must be unbelievably hurt reading that. 
I would find it very hard to deal with. I don't know if I could forgive it as I could never forget it. 
The damage has already been done. 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

Natthewife said:


> Reaching out to an ex is a clear sign your dealing with unfinished business and the fact you told him u missed him is an even clearer sign you have alot of troubles in your marriage.
> There's alot you need to work through. Your husband must be unbelievably hurt reading that.
> I would find it very hard to deal with. I don't know if I could forgive it as I could never forget it.
> The damage has already been done.
> ...




It was a stupid moment of weakness. We have been dealing with a lot in the marriage already, all not my fault I might add. This was just the stupidest thing that has been done. 
I know I will not forgive myself, until he can forgive me. I am devastated. I know the "damage is done" and I can't take it back, but I am so incredibly sorry, and I am not going to drink anymore, and I'm going to pray that somehow we will be able to get through this.
Before this, I had been trying daily for 6 months to do things to mend my marriage, with very little effort on his part. It all kind of came to a head the night I messed up, and reached out to a man that used to once care for me a very long time ago. It was idiotic of me. I live on the other side of the world from family and friends because of my husbands job and have followed him around the world for 10 years. This isn't so much unresolved issues. It's more I was reaching out for someone to show me kindness that was a guy. -- I will work on that issue with my personal counselor. I don't have feelings for my ex though - it was a reaching out to something familiar from very long ago at a very lonely moment while I was drinking. Again - dumb choice, but I really would do anything in my power to fix it - ANYTHING! And it would never happen again, EVER!


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you considered going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get help with stopping drinking? And to Al Anon for support with your husband's drinkng?




I haven't yet, but maybe I will. I'm not sure what the resources would be where I live, but even if there isn't an actual meeting I can go to, maybe they have resources online for that. 


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

jld said:


> Have you considered going to Alcoholics Anonymous to get help with stopping drinking? And to Al Anon for support with your husband's drinkng?




And tonight I'm thinking even more so, I need to get myself involved with this. He came home, but he's drinking at home now, by himself, in another room. I am just lost. I just want both of us to be clear headed and have a heart to heart conversation. I feel awful, but now that he's started drinking, I don't want to cause a fight, especially in front of our son, so till tomorrow I guess. 


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

What's it like being stuck in Japan?


Do you speak Japanese? Do you have Japanese friends? Do you like the food? Is your house really tiny?

Are you guys part Japanese? Or both Caucasian or African-American?

Because I would imagine you feel like a stranger in a strange land. Does you H's company have a social scene for Americans---if you are American.

I can't imagine living in a place SO different than what I am used to. Frankly, I'd hate it. And you've been doing it for 10 years. Yuck.


Husband is out drinking a lot, making the isolation for you so much worse.

The religion doesn't seem to be making much of a difference. Let's face it. If he was a Christian; he'd put his wife before going out and getting blitzed with his pals. Someone upthread mentioned work related socializing; but that doesn't sound like what you are talking about. Is that right?

Can you remember what it was you were thinking about at the moment you decided to message your ex? What was it that drove you to start talking to him at that very instant?

Whatever it was, is what MUST be fixed in your marriage.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Being Christian doesn't make you a good person (far from it from what I've seen in life). 

OP, you mentioned having some religious differences with your husband that were apparently sorted out. I'm wondering how he's taking all this talk of praying and going to church?

The point is, if you were having differences because you are religious and he isn't, and now every time you talk to him you're saying things like, "I'll pray for us", I'm not sure how well that would be received?


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> What's it like being stuck in Japan?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




My husband is in the military, so they have American bases here, so that makes it easier, but it's still very difficult. We are both Americans, and neither one of us speaks Japanese ( just very basic things like hello, thank you, excuse me) which makes some experiences a tad frustrating. We have been here for 2 years - our problems started shortly before our move. I have followed him anywhere he needs to go though, and this is the first place that I haven't worked at, but I am going to school and I do volunteer work at my sons school, and I'm a runner. The isolation is awful! I've been handling it the best I can though. I really just wish these past 6 months of effort were making a difference. My stupid mistake i feel like negated all of my efforts before that and I don't feel like that's fair.

He was much more religious than me before all of this, but we all stopped going to church for many years. I told him I was going to start going a few months back, and asked if we could all go together, and he was on board, and happy about it. I have been getting more involved with him as far as reading my Bible. I would talk to him about things I have read though, and even after all these years he can still quote scripture that he remembers. He never fully let that go. It used to be work-related drinking/socializing, but now it's more just to get drunk it seems. He says it's blowing off steam, but it's nightly, so I don't know how much that can be used as an excuse. Again, I'm not innocent in the drinking matter - I was drinking often too (only at home though), but I'm done now. I did what I did while drinking and lonely, and I don't want to be there again.

At the instant I did what I did - I thought "my husband is out again, I started thinking about the fact that he seems irritated with me when I even try to give him a kiss on the cheek goodbye, how he doesn't want to be intimate with me, I remembered how it used to be, and it's been SO long, loneliness was my biggest feeling, and wondering what I did to make him pull away for so long, and my ex popped in my head - I wondered what he was doing - he was the only other guy that I was ever really in love with even though he was an ******* for much of our relationship, and I have that Facebook messenger thing, and I honestly thought, what the hell, let's see what happens, so I asked him how he was doing, and he responded, and we started a dialogue. I was drunk and crying while I did all of this, and honestly consequences did not pop into my head until after it had already been done. I left my iPad out and husband found all of our messages back and forth. I also have another friend that I was messaging with that is a guy that is a friend that is married with 5 kids that is a man of God, that he is upset about, because we said we loved each other (like a love ya, thanks for being there type love tho) I explained that, and you can see from our messages we usually talk about God, so this isn't the biggest issue, but I could tell that got to him too. I have since blocked my ex, I'm thinking about doing the same with the other guy, only because I don't want to do anything to mess this up.

He wants to finally talk tonight after work. I'm so scared he is going to say he wants to leave us. I don't think I could handle it. I want to be with him and I've never felt more sorry for anything in my whole life!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

He drinks every day. I assume he goes out with the guys because they enjoy hanging at a local watering hole. 

To begin with, he may be abusing alcohol. I don't know if he's an alcoholic or not, but it does sound like he enjoys drinking, perhaps to excess.

Now you are beating yourself up for a mistake. But it comes across as you desperately trying to salvage something that may already be in the crapper.

Before this incident, what else was not going well with your marriage?


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

Prodigal said:


> He drinks every day. I assume he goes out with the guys because they enjoy hanging at a local watering hole.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Before this, 6 months ago, we laid out all of our issues, and the biggest by far was communication! We just stopped talking about things that mattered. Usually when we argued, it would be a short disagreement, and then he would tell me to just stop, and I would, the walk away, and just not bring it up again - not healthy I know now. We both had a tendency to make the other feel stupid with about their stance on certain subjects, but neither of us realized we were doing that to the other. Again - huge lack of communication. He got into his groove of working all the time, and I got into my groove of keeping busy with everything else, and we just floated by ---- for 2 years. 6 months ago though, we talked about everything, and then a few months after that started counseling. He did show effort by going to counseling, and I was happy for that. But there were moments when I would go to kiss him on the cheek and he would just seem irritated. I didn't feel like he even wanted to be near me, and I didn't tell him how that was making me feel --- I have a hard time with that, and I don't know why! 


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Shanna,

You may have already talked this out with your husband but BLOCK THE OTHER GUY ALSO.

You are trying to to re establish trust and communication. You are lonely ( with reason) and that makes you vulnerable. You are NOT in an emotional state right now to be electronically or in person be communicating with other men.

Sorry but men of God also have sex so he needs to go right now.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Shanna,
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I'm ahead of you - already did that too. You're right. 
He wants to talk tonight, and I am so scared about what will happen. I am trying so hard to focus my attention on anything else. I haven't even been able to barely eat and I've barely slept. I really hope my words will come to me tonight for him to see just how badly I want us to make this work. And I hope so much that he hasn't already made up his mind about leaving us. I know he felt like that a couple of days ago, but he hasn't said anything since, just the once, and he said he wasn't sure he wanted me or this marriage anymore.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Shanna

Looks like you are at least thinking straight since you have no blocked both of these men with no problem doing it.

Just remember, no matter what your husband says, NOTHING is final at this point. If he says he is leaving it is not that simple. If he says he wants to work it out, obviously that is better.

Now YOU have legitimate gripes about him not spending enough quality times with you. But as long as you have no information that he has been unfaithful in any way, you need to come accross as owning the action 100% that brought you to this point.

There is time to address his issues once you get to that point. Right now the elephants in the room is that for whatever reason, in his mind you have been having inappropriate private conversations with other men. Al;l efforts initially here need to go to convincing him that you will be accountable, verifiable , and transparent so he knows it is not still going on.

Good luck to you.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Hey, at least you both know it's communication that is lacking and I agree. It is vital.
Keep working at it.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Considering how you both treat each other I'd advise you to end the sham of a marriage and both of you move on and look for more suitable partners.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

LucasJackson said:


> Considering how you both treat each other I'd advise you to end the sham of a marriage and both of you move on and look for more suitable partners.




It is not a sham of a marriage. We were very happily married for 8 years. The last 2 years have been difficult. For my part I know I want to work on my marriage. Life got busy and we stopped focusing on each other for a very long time. And then I did this very stupid thing. Other couples have moved past much worse, and I know for my part I would never do something so stupid again.
I would never call my marriage a sham.


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## Shanna7243 (Aug 12, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Shanna
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you! I will be heading into tonight with all of this in my mind. And all of the other great advice I have gotten. I hope it goes well.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Shanna7243 said:


> It is not a sham of a marriage. We were very happily married for 8 years. The last 2 years have been difficult. For my part I know I want to work on my marriage. Life got busy and we stopped focusing on each other for a very long time. And then I did this very stupid thing. Other couples have moved past much worse, and I know for my part I would never do something so stupid again.
> I would never call my marriage a sham.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I think you both got a warning sign in this error you made. You, but also HE need to work on your relation. Whatever happens do not let you be talked down too much. You made a mistake, but try not to exaggerate, or let it be exaggerated. Communication and intimacy are the issues that led to this happening in my opinion.

I hope it worked out well, but anyway how this may end, it has been a trigger for change, hopefully for the better, whichever way it goes.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I know a couple who went through something similar. They both went out with a group of friends. I think they were both drinking but the husband got blind rotten drunk and had to go home and the wife ended up having a long discussion with a male friend about her marital issues and how unhappy she was (and there were some definite problems in their marriage at the time). The male friend made all the right noises about how she deserved better and they ended up kissing. Next morning she feels intense guilt and tells her husband.

While I never talked with the husband about this issue, only finding out from the wife, I believe that while he was very hurt and angry, it was a bit of a wake up call. They both realised that love doesn't conquer all and you actually have to make some effort to keep a marriage together. They both matured a great deal after that and are still together (that was about 6 years ago I think).

It's really not the end of the world and a couple who are struggling in their relationship might make mistakes like this. I think it's a very good thing you were able to keep it a one off and non-physical mistake. Making a mistake like this does not make you a cheater. The fact that you were immediately honest and full of remorse means a great deal. A couple who *can* make it through life together *will* make it through something like this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

How did the talk go, Shanna?


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Shanna7243 said:


> It is not a sham of a marriage. We were very happily married for 8 years. The last 2 years have been difficult. For my part I know I want to work on my marriage. Life got busy and we stopped focusing on each other for a very long time. And then I did this very stupid thing. Other couples have moved past much worse, and I know for my part I would never do something so stupid again.
> I would never call my marriage a sham.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Then stop treating it like a sham and do the work.


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