# Quarter Life Crisis, Desperately Need Advice - Very Long...



## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

This is my first post, but I have been a frequent reader of these forums. I feel like my life and marriage are at a crossroads right now and I am in desperate need of advice. I feel like I am beginning to resent my wife of almost three years, and I am very dissatisfied with my life in general. I really need some perspective on whether or not my feelings are absurd, justified, or somewhere in the middle. First some background on myself and my wife (it's about to get long, so jump ship now if you aren't in for a read...)

*How I got to where I am right now:* 
I am 24 years old, and currently live with my wife and 8 month old daughter in a rust belt city in Upstate New York. Both my wife and I are from the suburbs of this city originally, but did not really know each other growing up. I chose to go to college hundreds of miles away because I had a variety of issues with a controlling, demanding family. I was pushed to earn excellent grades and excel at sports (of which I did both). To be clear how controlling my family was, I was not allowed to date until I was a senior in high school. For that matter I did not experience my first kiss until I was 17 and almost finished with high school. 

*College:*
I earned a full scholarship to a college in the South and got out of dodge with no intention of ever coming back to NY. I love my family but understand that being in close proximity to them for extended periods of time is not healthy for me. While in college, I was very motivated to be successful in every facet of life. I double majored in a hard science and a social science, while competing in Division 1 athletics. During my freshman year of college I used my newly found freedom to explore the world of women. I eventually lost my virginity, and got physical with a couple of girls. By the end of my freshman year though, I was talking seriously with the woman who is now my wife. 

Despite attending different colleges a few hours apart, my wife and I dated throughout college and got engaged towards the end with the intention of getting married immediately after graduation. I raced headlong into marriage and adult life with no looking back at the time. As college came to a close my wife and I needed to plan what where we would settle down and begin our lives. I knew I needed to go to graduate school for one year to get the job I wanted. Ironically the top ranked program for what I wanted to study was located in our home city - the exact opposite place of where I wanted to stay. I got in and we moved back home. 

*Married Life: *
We got married immediately after graduation, she started work, and I started grad school. Things were going along smoothly enough. Our sex life was great, and our social life was decent too. She had friends from high school, and I had friends in grad school. The first year came and went fast and I graduated and got offered a job in our home city. Once again, not where I want to live. Despite this however, I took the job since this was in the Summer of 2010 and the recession was in full swing. I felt fortunate to have a very good job at the age of 23. However, this in my opinion is where the wheels started to fall off. 

*Current Challenges:*
My wife and I were both working starting in the Summer of 2010. My job environment however was not ideal. The job has not turned out to be what I thought it was going to be and as a result I have been highly dissatisfied. Furthermore, I have next to zero friends, and no real prospects to make any. My youngest co-worker is 40. There is only one other male co-worker, and that is my boss who is in his late 50's. There are very few people at work I can relate to or befriend for that matter. 40 something women and 24 year old men don't have a lot in common... Furthermore, all of my graduate school friends moved away, as did all of my old high school friends. This has been the case for nearly two years now. 

In the fall of 2010 my wife got pregnant. We weren't trying for a baby, but we had also stopped contraception as we thought it may take some time for her to get pregnant after getting off the pill. How wrong we were. I can pin point the actual night we conceived. It was that easy for us. Upon learning my wife was pregnant we decided we needed to buy a home and move out of our tiny place. We bought a house about a year ago, and we are generally satisfied with it. My wife gave birth to our daughter in July of 2011, and has been a stay at home mom since. I feel very proud that I have the income to support my wife, and allow her to be a stay home mom at the age of 24. 

Despite this however, I have been getting very upset lately at my life situation. My lack of friends (despite my best efforts to make them), and my dissatisfaction with the cold winters, my job, and the dying city we live in have been upsetting me more and more as time has gone on. I am now beginning to blame my wife us living here. She desperately wants to stay because she loves her family and doesn't want to be far from them. I however, want to get away from my family and live in the south where it is warm and where I went to college. I feel that if I lived in a different area, I would have better job prospects, more friends, and be generally happier with the warmer weather. 

I have expressed this to my wife repeatedly for the last two years. She feels as though she can't leave or go far away from her family, especially now that our daughter is here. One of her favorite lines is: "In 30 years when our parents are passing away, will you be happy that you lived far away from them for good weather and a better job?". This puts enough guilt on me to drop the subject. 

As for our daughter, she has been a lot of work thus far, but I love her a lot. She has had quite a few issues with acid reflux and for quite a while was vomiting about 10 times a day. The doctors said it was natural in her case, but this did not make it any less stressful. Furthermore, my daughter was very attached to my wife as she was nursing and has not been able to sleep anywhere but in our room, and usually in our bed. My daughter literally sleeps in between us most nights. This has put added stress on our relationship.

On top of my social/friendship problems, I have begun to have lingering doubts about my choice to get married young. I love my wife, but as I mentioned, my first kiss was when I was 17. I was in a fully committed relationship with my wife just 18 months later. Think about that for a second. First kiss to fully committed permanent relationship in 18 months. Naturally, with the birth of our daughter, our sex life has dropped off quite a bit, but not completely. I know this is natural and it is coming back a little bit. However, more and more as time goes on I have been fantasizing of other women, and strange sexual practices (ie voyeurism, exhibitionism). I have discussed all of this with my wife and she is not receptive. She is very conservative when it comes to sex. She doesn't want to do anything that would make her feel like a "slvt". 

*Summary:*
So here I am now, in a job I greatly dislike, in a house that I like but in a city and area that I hate, with next to no friends. I feel like if I could move, I could remedy many of these problems, but my wife will absolutely not move, and therefore I get angry with her and blame my situation on her. My sex life has dropped off precipitously, and now I frequently fantasize about having sex with other people, and sexual experiences my wife will not entertain at all. My wife thinks I resent her and our daughter, which is not true, further adding tension to our relationship. I have no idea what to do. I honestly wish at times that I could hit a reset button, play my life out in a completely different way up to this point and see if I am happier...


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

Any advice at all would be helpful...

For the record, I have tried making friends a number of different ways. Joining a new gym, refereeing high school sports, etc. The area I'm in is sparsely populated, and I'm just looking for a buddy I can play golf with, watch football games with etc. I have always been in a situation where friends are abundant (school, sports, etc) but that is now no longer the case.

I keep in touch with all of my old college friends and they are living exciting lives in big cities in the south. Furthermore, none of my friends that I keep in touch with are in any sort of relationship so it makes it even harder to relate my life to them. They talk about going out, partying, having fun, chasing girls. None of which I have done in literally years (and in the case of chasing girls...hardly ever). To a certain extent, I am jealous.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you are double talking yourself. In your last paragraph you say you’re angry with your wife, but you don’t resent her. Resent IS anger for another person … and strong dislike for them. You do sound as though you dislike your wife.


I think in your double talking you are not being honest with either yourself or your wife. And because of that you’ll be a well confused man as will those around you.

So start with being honest with yourself … and in your case you may well have to be “brutally” honest with yourself in that you may well not like what you see. But if you are honest with yourself at least you will know your starting point when it comes to self change.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Hi.

Im 47... a bit older than you... but I wanted to give you a little feedback if I stay coherent. I definitely hear you and can see you are struggling with your circumstance. Pardon me if I ramble a little bit...

First off: 'you have come a lomng way baby'! I mean... highschool, college, married, jobs, wife kid.. boom. Here you are. That is quite a lot of changes in just a few years. I feel compelled to say 'congratulations, well done'.. but I will resist that for just a moment.

Sounds like your baby was a little bit of a surprise...but not totally - as you got off BC. You must have been shaking your head. Again... I want to say 'congratulations on your baby...' but I'l put that aside too for the moment.

Not sure what field you are in, but your job might be related to the 'hard science' you did in college and you might be making a decent wage if your wife can be at home with the little one. It may not feel like it now - but you may both someday very much appreciate that you were both able to do this. I'd say 'good job'.. but lets put that aside for the moment... I'm not trying to be a funny guy, really.

Your wife is resistant to move away from her family. Hard to blame her, really. Lots of people feel that way, and its not a bad thing. My inlaws are thousands of miles away, and sometimes I feel bad for my wife because she is close to them and I know the distance hurts sometimes. They come out to us or we go that way a couple times a year so they can see the grandkids... but it is different. Not better or worse, just different. I dont thing your wife is laying a guilttrip on you with the 'when they are dead' thing. She sounds a little like my wife an on calm reflection sometimes I see the grains of wisdom in what she is saying. That doesnt mean se is putting the ka-bosh on moving - but I think there is some truth in her words to consider.

I've been pretty lucky, in that I havent had many crappy jobs... (not many jobs at all in fact.. I tend to stick around) but the few times I found myself not liking my job... I do know that it can act like an anchor around your neck and simply suck all the fun out of life. Feeling like you do not have any peers you can relate to - socially or maybe otherwise... must make it even worse.

Having a baby is challenging yes? Little tip for you - you both need to get the baby into her own bed, in her own room. Trust me here - its NOT going to get any easier.. and I suspect its already going to be hard. She will scream and scream and scream and cry nd you will have some freaking miserable nights... but you - and your wife - will get past it, as will the baby. I think this is important.

As for friends - I can see you are particularly worried about this. Again - your social life (or lack of it) has probably taken a complete 180 in the past 5 years. You have gone from the (lets face it) relatively carefree life of a student to a married man with a family and nearly complete demands on your time and attention. Wow. Seems like you are handling it well though. 

I have a couple of observations. Im not sure I can offer you any advice since you seem to be... is this offensive? living something that is pretty close to the 'American Dream'.. does that sound stupid?

The grass is not greener. From what I read in your post - it would be hard for things to work out much better.. and things could be much, much..oh so much worse. Is that cold comfort? You sound like you have a loving family and yeah you have some family growing pains and some challenges.. but that is part of living.. sounds like the both of you are reasonable and you will find a way to compromise or come to some sort of agreement if you can keep talking about it. Talking is good.

Sex gets better. It can take a real hit when the first baby comes along, and can take a couple years to come back up to speed. When you both are in sight of something that might remotely resemble a normal schedule.. you may find things come back nicely. For us, it took a couple years but then was better than ever and you will be surprised that the original white hot flame never went out. I think this is a sign that your priorities are as they should be... of course you will still have sex.. but yep.. you and she may be tired and stressed and not interested sometimes too. Relax.

The demands of the child and home life are significant now... but you DO need to keep your sanity too, as does your wife. Maybe you can figure a way to get the heck out of the house once in a while. Health club? I dont know.. go to a museum or the symphony or find a hiking club and blow a day hiking or paddling in a canoe or something. Maybe you will bump into some people that are closer to your age that might have similar circumstances.

Job. You need to get a different job, or find away to re-energize yourself where you are. I've babbled on too much already so I'll bow out for the moment. 

Altogether - my gut reaction is that getting a new job and moving out of state wouldnt make much of a difference in your life. It might, it certainly would shake things up - but I think it would be trading in one set of issues for another. You my call me crazy, but that is what I think. The things you are looking for, the things you feel are missing will not come from there.


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

I don't dislike my wife. My wife is a great person. She is very thoughtful, and very kind. We have very open lines of communication and generally "get" each other. However, my wife is EXTREMELY close with her family and will not entertain the idea of moving. She argues that moving to a bigger city, with a different job will not guarantee happiness. I agree, but argue that staying in the status quo will not change how I feel either.

I feel incredibly guilty when she lists off all of the things I have to be thankful and happy for but I'm not. A good paying job, a nice house, a loving wife, a new baby, very little debt, and a generally luxurious lifestyle (we travel to Europe maybe once a year). I counter though, that in my day to day life I feel very lonely. Days go by at my job where I have next to no interaction with other people. Furthermore, those that I do work with are so much older that it's really just a transactional relationship ("Here's the report you asked for." - "Thanks", end of conversation, with the exception of some occasional small talk). 

I get home from work at 5 PM every day, eat dinner, spend time with my daughter. Help my wife give her a bath, get her ready for bed, watch a little TV and go to bed between 9 and 10. Every day. Without fail. It's the monotony that is killing me. I just wish I had friend that would call me up and say "Hey, poker night on Tuesday", or "What are you doing this Saturday? Up for a round of golf?". I just haven't been able to find that up here, and I don't think I will.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

grappleguy said:


> ...I get home from work at 5 PM every day, eat dinner, spend time with my daughter. Help my wife give her a bath, get her ready for bed, watch a little TV and go to bed between 9 and 10. Every day. Without fail. It's the monotony that is killing me.


Im not mocking you when I say... 'that is awesome'. I appreciate the monotony thing. Yeah, I can. You need to get out of the house, dude.



grappleguy said:


> . I just wish I had friend that would call me up and say "Hey, poker night on Tuesday", or "What are you doing this Saturday? Up for a round of golf?". I just haven't been able to find that up here, and I don't think I will.


got any neighbors.. ANYBODY?? Is there a freaking cork board at the supermarket? Ever check it out? Is there a YMCA nearby with people looking for pickup games of hoop, racquetball, whatever?

I mean, if you go to the golf course to hit 9 holes they wil pair you up with someone. What are you waiting for, an invitation? Maybe after you do this for a month or so you will bump into someone that is worth having a few chuckles and a beer at the 19th hole, you know?

Poker? Cribbage... whatever... you telling me that if this is your primary concern that you just cant get, or cant find, anyone? Have you even tried?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

As I said. You have to get real if you want to improve your life.

You are blaming your wife for your life. Yet you were the one who chose it! Until you take 100% utter responsibility for your actions and choices you will always blame another for the situation you are in!


At the time you chose your current life, you were perfectly happy with the choice. Now you’ve actually lived the life you chose for a while, you find it boring and monotonous.


I can’t see the point of your post at all. What result are you expecting from your post?


If it’s for someone to tell you “Go get a life!” then that’s surely what you should do on your own accord! Else you’re just going to blame yet another person for the new life you chose!


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Hi.
> 
> Im 47... a bit older than you... but I wanted to give you a little feedback if I stay coherent. I definitely hear you and can see you are struggling with your circumstance. Pardon me if I ramble a little bit...
> 
> ...


A lot of your points really resonated with me. I have tried to talk to my old college friends about this but they just don't understand my situation. As you said, I am living the "American Dream", yet still feel a little empty. I think you are right when you say I need some new hobbies, and I am trying to get into different things. Most of life up to this point has been dominated by school and sports. I never really had any other hobbies outside of consuming popular culture. 

As for my job, I work for a medical university, securing intellectual property for inventors. When I took the job initially I though "Wow, this is great, I will get to see so many cool new innovations, and be involved with the science". Not actually true despite the fact that's how it was pitched to me. For a variety of reasons the job has failed to meet expectations. As for getting a new job? Our city is a one trick pony. I would in all likelihood have to find a new job within the medical university which is possible. I would have far greater opportunities for moving if I looked elsewhere. 

I am optimistic that things will improve eventually with my wife and our sex life. She likes sex, and I think the stress of our baby, plus the breast feeding, plus our daughter sleeping in our bed is really the culprit. My wife has agreed to start transitioning our daughter out of our room, but she acknowledges it is going to be difficult for both her and our daughter. 

In short, I think I would be far happier if I had a few friends around here. People I can relate to. People I can talk politics, sports, or science with just like in college. There is a huge brain drain up here, and no offense, it is just hard to relate to people that aren't that similar to you socioeconomically.


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

AFEH said:


> As I said. You have to get real if you want to improve your life.
> 
> You are blaming your wife for your life. Yet you were the one who chose it! Until you take 100% utter responsibility for your actions and choices you will always blame another for the situation you are in!
> 
> ...


I'm not sure I appreciate the vitriolic tone of your response. I'm having trouble transitioning into my life as it currently is. Yes, I made the choice to do this. Does that mean it has to be easy or wholly pleasant - no. I am conflicted because I am second guessing myself, and not in a good place right now. I have assessed the situation several times and the best answer always seems to be to move to a bigger city in a better location which my wife is totally averse to. That is why I am upset. It's hard for me to not blame her for my problems which I view are a direct result of where we live. I was asking for advice on how to cope, or advice on what to do. 

Your thinly veiled attack really doesn't help. Thanks.


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> Im not mocking you when I say... 'that is awesome'. I appreciate the monotony thing. Yeah, I can. You need to get out of the house, dude.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I know I need to get out of the house, and I'm definitely working on that. I have recently joined the Y and I'm meeting new people. Ironically enough, I only have one neighbor. How is this possible? I live across the street from an elementary school. The house to my left has been for sale for the entire time I have lived in my home, and the house to my right is owned by a single lady in her 50's who is basically a shut-in. 

I agree though that I need to be more outgoing. To a certain extent I acknowledge I have been part of the problem, feeling sorry for myself etc. I just haven't dealt with the transition well. Like I said in one of my posts, I recently started refereeing high school sports, and I joined the Y, so I am meeting new people. It's just not happening as fast as I would like yet. I still don't have a "group of friends" so to speak.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

I'd venture a guess that the 'first major job' out of college doesnt always live up to our expectations. Frequently however... the experience you get, and the relationship opportunities it presents can lead to other things.

You need to work on fostering positive relatinships in that place and see if it leads anywhere. The best jobs never come from throwing your resume around. They come from prople you know and connections you make. It took me a long time to figure that out.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

We had no neighbors for about 5 years after we bought our house - sortof. Couple of old people that we didnt really know beyond trading pleasantries or maybe a bag or homegrown vegetables.

One died, another moved. Recently - a couple moved in with twin kids the same age as our own.. and another couple with kids has moved in since. Suddenly our small isolated end of the world seems a bit different.

You never know how things play out.


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

anotherguy said:


> We had no neighbors for about 5 years after we bought our house - sortof. Couple of old people that we didnt really know beyond trading pleasantries or maybe a bag or homegrown vegetables.
> 
> One died, another moved. Recently - a couple moved in with twin kids the same age as our own.. and another couple with kids has moved in since. Suddenly our small isolated end of the world seems a bit different.
> 
> You never know how things play out.


Thanks for the insight. You've made a lot of good points. I definitely need to be more outgoing and look at the long term picture. I realize that I'm lucky in that I have a good job, a wife, a healthy daughter, and a home all by the age of 24. I think to a certain extent it all seems like it came on very fast. I have just been having a little trouble with all of the transitions. But as you put it, this is just a passing phase. I realize that in all of my posts I probably came off as a bit of spoiled crybaby, but I assure you that I am anything but that. I'm just having trouble dealing with all of the changes.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Dont totally discount your feelings and intuitions either.  I think you have some real concerns... not the least of which is your itch to move and change jobs. I think it would equally be a mistake to just assume you need to 'suck it up' and 'count your blessings' and attempt to disregard everything else as craziness.

We didnt get married until I was 29. When I was 24, my largest concern was my new software development job, paying rent on the appartment with my girlfriend (eventual wife), how much beer to buy for the weekend, and if I needed new tires on the sportscar. I can imagine where my head would have been if I had the entire family rolling by then - probably similar to where you are now.

On the other hand.. by the time my kids are off to college, I will probably be in a walker and sucking on oxygen - and you will be be younger than I am now... in your early 40s and an empty nester. That is... unless you have 4 more kids. ;-)


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

I kind of like Anotherguy's comments. I found myself nodding my head in approval as I read them, especially the part about the grass not always being greener.

Grappleguy - See if my story resonates with you. I am 44 and been married for 23 years. I actually attended kindergarten with my now wife (have the class picture to prove it). Didn't really see each other again until high school even though both of our parents were friends. Started dating in high school. Went off to college and she went along as well. She dropped out (she regrets this highly and it is a long story) and moved back to hometown. I continued for my freshman year out of town. Sophomore year, moved back to hometown college due to expense. Lost my virginity to my wife (only person I have ever been with) and got married on spring break of my junior year. Full load Fall semester, Full load Spring semester, Married on spring break (just celebrated anniversary), Full load through the summer, Fall and following spring to graduate. Had our son one year later (he is currently 20 and in college). Both of our families are still in our hometown but due to economic conditions and job prospects, we had to move out of state, back home and then out of state again, where we currently are. I totally understand about your wife being close to her family. My wife speaks an HOUR to her mother and father EVERY day. I speak to my mother (father deceased) about 20 minutes once a week and my two sisters once every few months. Oddly enough, I too work at an academic medical center and I'm currently working on my second graduate level degree. Neither my wife nor I have what you would define as close friends. We have aquaintances. We have co-workers. The one couple that we were close to lives back in our home town and after 20 years of marriage they announced they were getting a divorce. He will not talk to me because he had an affair and he knows I would be critical of him. For me, its the same thing every day...get up, go to work, go to gym (when I can), do classwork, come home, fix dinner, get ready for work the next day, maybe sit down and have a bit of time for yourself, go to bed and then the whole process starts all over again. 

:scratchhead: Did I miss anything? Oh yeah....I was working a full time job this entire time.

The reason for this long description is to let you know that there are other people out there that know how you feel. I believe that I have been in your shoes and experienced what you are feeling. I actually believe that I went through a mid-life crisis when I was in my late twenties. It got to the point where I was getting too emotionally involved with a co-worker and came very close to doing something inappropriate. This happened when my son was very young and I was feeling as though I couldn't continue with my life the way it was. I had only "been" with one girl for heaven's sake! I was never the partier, I didn't drink and go nuts with my friends, I was kind of the straighlaced kind of guy. WHAT DID I MISS OUT ON?!? My oats were never sown. 

It took a close call with an affair for me to wake up and realize that what my wife was telling me (I didn't have life so bad...we have it better than most...things could be worse, etc) were actually true. 

As it turns out, I truly do love my wife and my son. Though I often look back and have my "what if" moments, I wouldn't trade my life now for anything. My wife loves me like life itself and is one of the most caring, wonderful and affectionate people you would ever meet. If this sounds like your wife, hang on to her for dear life. Don't ever let her go or let anything come between the two of you. Having someone to love you wholeheartedly and to be a lifelong soulmate is worth all of the boredom and a few missed opportunities to rise in your career.

Anotherguy said earlier that you are "living the American Dream" and I agree with him. And intellectually, I think that you agree with that assessment as well. But sometimes when we are living the emotions, all you can feel is the pain, disappointment and frustration and the long-term view is cloudy. You sound like a very smart guy with a lot going for you and while things look dire now, I promise you that they will level out as long as you have a true committment to your family. 

From a practical standpoint in terms of advice, here is what I can offer:

Sit her down and make sure that she understands that you totally "get" how close she is with her family and you don't want to do anything to mess up that relationship, but that at some point, she may have to consider moving in order for both of you to have more fulfillment in your life.
Try something like Meetup.com. I know it sound a bit dicey but its actually a legitimate website that works to bring people with similar interests together. You put in your zip code and your interests (motorcycle riding, square dancing, underwater basketweaving) an it gives you a list of groups/clubs/organizations in your area that you can join. There are even some groups for the express purpose of meeting friends.
I know it sounds cliche and corny, but I'm talking from experience - try to focus on the positive. If you truly do love your wife and family, then you must be willing to do what it takes to make it work.
Sorry for the long post but your story resonated with me and I thought you could benefit by knowing that your situation is not unique and that you can get through it.


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## zaliblue (Apr 26, 2011)

Hi graple guy!

I can relate to you so much! I mean, I don't think that I am going through a midlife crisis or anything like that, but it seems our situations are pretty similar....My hubby and I got together when I was 15 and he was 19. We are each other's first and only....Crazy, right? We have two sons together, (a 2 year old and a 1 year old)....im a stay at home mom/wife, and he works a full time job in which he has grown to dislike. He is always talking about moving away, and I, like your wife am hesitant. You mentioned that your parents are very controlling, as are my husband's. He does not have a good relationship with them at all, where as I have a good relationship with my family. I think that it may be easier for you to want to move away because of your relationship with your parents. I know I am scattered, just bear with me. It's how my mind works. About the sex life thing, it will get better! We just moved our kids into their own room and things have already improved. My hubby and I try and have a night to ourselves every now and then to go out and have fun.....You start feeling old when you're in the same routine.Have someone watch your daughter and you and your wife go out. I sure it would be great for the two of you. You also mentioned that because you didn't have much of a dating life before your wife, you aren't sure that marrying young was a good idea. Let me tell you, when the one comes along, it doesn't matter. Like I mentioned, my husband and I are the only people we have been with.....and I don't regret it. I kind of always knew that he was the one. Even though you're feeling a little unsure of your decisions, don't let yourself forget that you married this woman for a reason. I don't know what I am trying to say anymore...it's late lol....Just wanted to say some random junk that might help you. Good luck!


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

Zatol Ugot? said:


> I kind of like Anotherguy's comments. I found myself nodding my head in approval as I read them, especially the part about the grass not always being greener.
> 
> Grappleguy - See if my story resonates with you. I am 44 and been married for 23 years. I actually attended kindergarten with my now wife (have the class picture to prove it). Didn't really see each other again until high school even though both of our parents were friends. Started dating in high school. Went off to college and she went along as well. She dropped out (she regrets this highly and it is a long story) and moved back to hometown. I continued for my freshman year out of town. Sophomore year, moved back to hometown college due to expense. Lost my virginity to my wife (only person I have ever been with) and got married on spring break of my junior year. Full load Fall semester, Full load Spring semester, Married on spring break (just celebrated anniversary), Full load through the summer, Fall and following spring to graduate. Had our son one year later (he is currently 20 and in college). Both of our families are still in our hometown but due to economic conditions and job prospects, we had to move out of state, back home and then out of state again, where we currently are. I totally understand about your wife being close to her family. My wife speaks an HOUR to her mother and father EVERY day. I speak to my mother (father deceased) about 20 minutes once a week and my two sisters once every few months. Oddly enough, I too work at an academic medical center and I'm currently working on my second graduate level degree. Neither my wife nor I have what you would define as close friends. We have aquaintances. We have co-workers. The one couple that we were close to lives back in our home town and after 20 years of marriage they announced they were getting a divorce. He will not talk to me because he had an affair and he knows I would be critical of him. For me, its the same thing every day...get up, go to work, go to gym (when I can), do classwork, come home, fix dinner, get ready for work the next day, maybe sit down and have a bit of time for yourself, go to bed and then the whole process starts all over again.
> 
> ...


I appreciate the insight and perspective. I know I would never be happy with anyone other than my wife. She "gets" me, so to speak; and in a way that I don't think anyone else could.

We have had some serious conversations about our family situations and how that affects where we live, and ironically we have gotten some very interesting news in the last few days. Within two days both sets of our parents have told us they may be moving away from the area to pursue new job opportunities, and in fact it is highly likely they will be leaving. Needless to say my wife is upset, but takes comfort in the fact that her brother still lives in the area. I'm not sure if I provided this detail, but she has three siblings. Two of which have moved away, and one of which is definitely here to stay. So now, if you're keeping track; with her parents moving, that means there will only be 1 of 5 members of her nuclear family left in the area. I don't plan on racing to her with this detail as the situation is still in flux. However, if in one year from now or so, there is hardly anyone left in the area I will seriously talk to her about relocating. 

As for me personally, I have realized I need to reach out to my family and try to reconnect with my siblings. I also have three siblings, but they are all younger. Regardless, I am making more of an effort to spend time with them and appreciate their proximity. 

Finally, as far as things go in the bedroom, I have to say part of my feelings are derived from talking to my single friends and their exploits. I was talking with my wife about this last night, and she brought up a great point. I get bummed out if we only have sex twice in a week, whereas my friends will recount to me an epic month if they get laid once or twice. That kind of puts things in perspective. 

I am definitely making an effort to be happier, and I think things will get better as time goes on. I am trying to stay optimistic.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

laugh.

Like I said... you never know how things will turn out.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

grappleguy said:


> I appreciate the insight and perspective. I know I would never be happy with anyone other than my wife. She "gets" me, so to speak; and in a way that I don't think anyone else could.
> 
> We have had some serious conversations about our family situations and how that affects where we live, and ironically we have gotten some very interesting news in the last few days. Within two days both sets of our parents have told us they may be moving away from the area to pursue new job opportunities, and in fact it is highly likely they will be leaving. Needless to say my wife is upset, but takes comfort in the fact that her brother still lives in the area. I'm not sure if I provided this detail, but she has three siblings. Two of which have moved away, and one of which is definitely here to stay. So now, if you're keeping track; with her parents moving, that means there will only be 1 of 5 members of her nuclear family left in the area. I don't plan on racing to her with this detail as the situation is still in flux. However, if in one year from now or so, there is hardly anyone left in the area I will seriously talk to her about relocating.
> 
> ...


One suggestion I would make is to take advantage of the pluses in your situation. Specifically, use the grandparents as babysitters to allow you and your wife some couple time. My wife and I are over 600 miles from the nearest relative, so we did not have that free baby sitting. You do, so use it. It will help you reconnect with your wife and perhaps get the sex life going as well.

Think of it as turning the lemons into lemonade.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

grappleguy said:


> I'm not sure I appreciate the vitriolic tone of your response. I'm having trouble transitioning into my life as it currently is. Yes, I made the choice to do this. Does that mean it has to be easy or wholly pleasant - no. I am conflicted because I am second guessing myself, and not in a good place right now. I have assessed the situation several times and the best answer always seems to be to move to a bigger city in a better location which my wife is totally averse to. That is why I am upset. It's hard for me to not blame her for my problems which I view are a direct result of where we live. I was asking for advice on how to cope, or advice on what to do.
> 
> Your thinly veiled attack really doesn't help. Thanks.


Women build up a support group around them, basically because they both need it and love it. And that is indeed what your wife has done! Her nest consists of more than the home itself, it additionally consists of her relatives, friends and their homes! In essence you are asking your wife to leave her nest because you are uncomfortable in it.



Now project yourself forward five years. Your wife finally agreed to move with you. You found your dream job and you’re going up the ladder in your career. You’ve bonded exceptionally well with a few buddies and enjoy the golf competition every Saturday morning. You are now living your dream!


And then one morning at breakfast your wife says she wants to move …………….


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## RDL (Feb 10, 2012)

Hello, 

Before I begin let me preface this with the fact that the advice offered below is based on generalizations and as such may not fully apply to you. Take from it what you need.

In your situation the first step towards improvement is understanding why you feel the way you do. 

From what you wrote it seems that you have overall 2 problems that are compounding themselves. 

1. would be imbalance in your life outside your relationship. If you look at the relationship diagram on my site you will see 4 areas in an adult's life that must be kept in balance and growing in order for that person to be at full capacity inside their long term relationship.

These 4 pillars are: 
*Passion*

This is the area of your life that deals with how much pleasure are you experiencing in your work and hobbies. Is your work aligned with your passion? 

How to find your passion and align your work to it is a course subject in and of itself, quite important in our lives and it corresponds mostly with the Evolution instinct. 

Because the subject of our passion is the contribution we want to make during our lifetime to human Evolution. Fortunately enough most work activities contribute to human evolution and passion can be found within them. Most humans do not directly innovate or discover great things but they do discover smaller things or participate in the infrastructure that allows evolution. Isaac Newton most likely had a house cleaner and he or she was a very important person for it.

*Income*

This area of your life deals with how much you are making. How comfortable is your lifestyle. While it can be loosely associated with Survival it has connections to all of our instinct categories and conversely has the potential to influence the other areas of our life more than anything else.

*Friends & Family*

“No man is an island”. We quickly realized in our history that doing things as a team is for mutual benefit. This area is the Social part of the Socio – Sexual instinct and deals with the strength, quantity and quality of the connections we form with our fellow humans except the most important connection which is usually our romantic interest.

*Romantic Interest*

This area deals with the relationship we are in or the search for a partner. It is the Sexual part of the Socio-Sexual instinct. 

It is important to note here that this is just a name and it does not imply that Sex is the only thing or the main thing in a relationship. While sex is important in a relationship there are other areas of importance as well and they are detailed below.

As you see it seems that 2 out of these 4 pillars are not doing well for you. So when your wife talks about all the things you should be grateful for she is actually misinformed as you are going on only 2 pillars out of 4 and that can be extremely frustrating. 

2. the arrival of the baby is unbalancing the interactions with your wife. This is a very common and problem and is responsible for a lot of suffering in relationships. The issue is that when a child is born both partners if they have not been trained about relationships and few people are have the tendency to over focus on the child and cease some of the very important activities that kept the relationship strong. 

Certainly taking care of a child takes time and energy but the mistake many couples make is completely sacrificing critical pillars in the relationship. In your case you mentioned your sex life severely dropping off. This is a very unwise course of events as the health and frequency of your sex life is one of the critical pillars of your relationship and having a child is no excuse for sacrificing it. A wise couple will find ways of caring for the child and maintaining their sex life. 

2.1 Sexual curiosity. Your curiosity and regret at marrying young is a problem I find often enough while counseling. 

A way to improve the situation in the context of a monogamous relationship is for a shift in attitude to take place. For example if your wife is conservative for religious reasons point her to the passage of the bible where it says "In a married bed there is no sin". In other words be a ***** for your husband. A woman that has this wise attitude is far more likely to have a happy long term relationship.


Right,

Ar you see from above your problems are varied. Please take heart that the magnitude and diversity of your problems are actually normal challenges in a long term relationship. These challenges need to be addressed in a balanced and informed way by both partners in order for them to be elegantly solved.

In order to improve your situation I suggest a 2 step process:

- both you and your partner need to get informed on the critical skills necessary to build a healthy long term relationship. 

You need a license to drive a car, what are you doing driving a relationship without a license? Instinct leads you to misunderstandings that lead to the problems above.

- to bring about positive long term changes you need to practice the skills you learned to form the habits to sustain them. 

Understanding is not enough, you need diligent long term practice till it becomes habitual. Similarly to going to the gym.

Given the wide diversity of your current issues I suggest visiting a counselor. You see counselors are not just there for when you are about to divorce, they are actually there to help train you on the relationship skills that most people should have before they decide to start a long term relationship.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

grappleguy said:


> Thanks for the insight. You've made a lot of good points. I definitely need to be more outgoing and look at the long term picture. *I realize that I'm lucky in that I have a good job, a wife, a healthy daughter, and a home all by the age of 24.* I think to a certain extent it all seems like it came on very fast. I have just been having a little trouble with all of the transitions. But as you put it, this is just a passing phase. *I realize that in all of my posts I probably came off as a bit of spoiled crybaby*, but I assure you that I am anything but that. *I'm just having trouble dealing with all of the changes.*


You are very brave to admit that you may sound spoiled and that you are lucky. Pat yourself on the back for being successful so early in life.

We would be glad to be in your position, except for the baby because we are a family of two. The recession was very hard on both of us and now we are trying to dig ourselves out of the hole unemployment has left. I am in college at _nearly 30 years of age _and we have to rent, because the average house price in this city is nearly $500,000 with tiny yards and very little square footage. Count your blessings. 

I am not a parent, I am just a woman who has a lot of experience with children. Couples who constantly have their babies in bed with them are doing a great disservice to their marriage. The baby needs to learn to sleep independently and the parents need private adult time to nurture their relationship. The best gift you can give your child is a happy marriage. It is a well known fact that most sex lives suffer with the arrival of an infant. You can take time away from the baby with a romantic getaway-ask the grandparents to watch your munchkin.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't want you to take this harshly even though that's how it's going to come across. But as men I feel we need the truth over sparing our feelings.

You are putting WAY WAY too much emphasis on "friends". You are a husband and father now. Your wife is your friend. 

I guess I just can't relate to men that feel this overwhelming urge to be around other men. I personally would rather be alone than with other dudes so I have trouble understanding. 

It also sounds like you "think" you can have a better life. You're suffering from grass is always greener syndrome. Sure things could always be better, but I advise you to sit back and really take stalk of your life. Is it really that bad?


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## grappleguy (Mar 20, 2012)

sinnister said:


> I don't want you to take this harshly even though that's how it's going to come across. But as men I feel we need the truth over sparing our feelings.
> 
> You are putting WAY WAY too much emphasis on "friends". You are a husband and father now. Your wife is your friend.
> 
> ...


I have always had a close circle of friends outside of my wife and family. My wife is indeed my friend, but there are things she just can't do for me in that space. For example, if I had that close circle, I probably wouldn't be on this forum. I would probably be talking to those guys and bouncing my feelings off of them. I understand what you are saying, but I really do think one needs to have friends outside of their home. Am I putting too much emphasis on friends? Quite possibly, but it's a matter of perspective and that's just how I feel right now. 

I do have a good life and I appreciate all that I have been blessed with. I realize that to some degree I have been lucky, and to some degree I have been rewarded for all of the hard work I put into my endeavors early in life. I guess I just feel unfulfilled with my job right now (which is a significant part of my day, and a majority of my waking hours). So that puts me in a less than stellar mood, coupled with the aforementioned friend issue, and a not so great city; I'm a little upset. 

Finally, I think I may indeed suffer from the "grass is always greener" syndrome. I hate to quote Gordon Gecko here, but I am greedy. It seems like all my life I have set goals, and once accomplished, I am ready to move onto the next one not really appreciating what I had just accomplished. This attitude worked great in sports and school, but seems fatally flawed in the real world. I'm just trying to figure out how to adjust I guess. 

"Greed, in all of its forms; greed for life, for money, for love, knowledge has marked the upward surge of mankind."


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