# Doing with wife what I had told OW I wanted to do



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I don't know if this is unique or not, so I'd like your input.

During my EA, I had told the OW that I wanted to hold, hug, kiss, and do many other romantic things (kissing her out of the blue, etc.) with her.

Now, I'm trying to do those things with my wife. Sadly, I haven't done those things with my wife for years. But the other night, I made the effort and I took her outside to see the sunset, and kissed her for a long time.

I won't lie about this, it was tough to do that while my mind was fighting to say "Hey! She's not the one you said you were going to do that with!!!". But the smile on her face was very comforting just the same. Moreover, I don't want those interrupting thoughts to enter my mind anymore.

What are your thoughts about moving from the neglected romance in a marriage, through an EA, and trying to be romantic to the right person while working on the marriage? Am I trying to live my EA with my wife? I hope not!

Open fire!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You should have an EA with your wife. Every day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not weird if you wanted affection that you tell your wife and do those things with your wife. 

And I hope for your sake you aren't trying to "live your EA" with your wife. If that's the case, do your wife a favor and let her find another man who cares about her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I do care about her, very much. It's the thoughts that bother me. I hope they go away as the "affair drug" does.

I enjoy doing those things with my wife. I know I've read that a marriage can get stronger after such a negative event like an affair. I'm looking forward to romancing her like I did back when we met so long ago.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Um.
You have to spend quality, quantity time with your wife.
Having fun together. 
Spending time alone even if you have kids (don't know if you do or not) and putting the effort into being with her and talking with her about life and love.
Making time to make dates for fun with her. Calling her during the day to ask her out.
The feelings of romance and her being the best will follow if you do.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So, do you feel like a fake when you do those things with your wife? Do you wish it WAS the OW you were doing them with? How long ago was Dday?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Fake it till you make it.

It is often recommended as a therapy technique. In this case, the idea is to go through the routines of life as if one were enjoying them, despite the fact that initially it feels forced, and continue doing this until the happiness becomes real. This is an example of a positive feedback loop.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

My mind could be asking me the same question. It's almost as if the OW is standing next to me yelling in my ear to stop it, while my actions are saying "NO! THIS IS MY WIFE! I LOVE ONLY HER!".

Because of the EA (D-Day about 6 weeks ago), I feel undeserving to be able to kiss her like that. Yet, she is the only one I should be kissing.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

HerToo said:


> My mind could be asking me the same question. It's almost as if the OW is standing next to me yelling in my ear to stop it, while my actions are saying "NO! THIS IS MY WIFE! I LOVE ONLY HER!".
> 
> Because of the EA (D-Day about 6 weeks ago), I feel undeserving to be able to kiss her like that. Yet, she is the only one I should be kissing.


6 weeks isn't very long - there may be a wee bit of fog still hanging around. I agree with the PP about 'fake it till you make it'. Let her decide what you deserve and what you don't. I assume you have told her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? Focus on this


HerToo said:


> * she is the only one I should be kissing.*


 and the rest will follow if you are truly remorseful.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Hope1964 said:


> I agree with the PP about 'fake it till you make it'.


Please don't call me "the PP". 

If you think I'm a d1ck, fine. but don't call me one. Be nice.

I prefer Pit. :rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Please don't call me "the PP". If you think I'm a ****, fine. but don't call me one. I prefer Pit. :rofl:


Sorry, PP means previous poster on other boards I am on. My bad!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Please don't call me "the PP".


Well at least that's better than all the times people have referred to you as POS. LOL. :rofl:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> POS.


OMG :rofl:


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

There is fog, no doubt.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hers, I know you're really struggling with The Fog. I also know you are just a few weeks out from D-Day. (I can't remember, did she catch you or did you confess?) 

I've mentioned this before but will again: Anytime you think of the affair, immediately think of the look on your wife's face when you admitted the truth. Think about the PAIN you have caused your wife. Think of your own pain because of this betrayal and what it means to be you now, a cheater. A title you can never undo for as long as you live. Think of the betrayal. Think of the lying. Think of the decption. Think of your family and what your affair has caused them. Think of the tears shed by your wife. Think of how much of a disgusting pig you feel like for what you did. Think that every moment you were with the OW, you were lying to your wife. And what a hypocrite that makes you. Think of all the LYING you did. To both OW and your wife. Think about how it has impacted your reality, your marriage, your children, your wife. You took something that was hers and gave it to another. You betrayed your wife. Keep saying that over and over "I betrayed my wife." Over and over and over. 

If you continue to this, you will get to the point where you have massive remorse and you won't be able to remember the affair as a "good" thing. Everytime you tink of OW and the affair, you will be filled with disgust and SHAME. Massive amounts of SHAME. 

And that is a good thing.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Wow! After that, I think I'd rather be called PP!!!

But I do agree with what you have posted.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

everytime you think of the OW just punch yourself in the balls


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"If you're going to **** a bunch of losers the least you could do is bring back some experience and skills, hon. I mean, really. If I'm the best you've had why'd you run out and mount every **** out there?"


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

That would be hard to explain to the wife when all of a sudden I stop and punch myself in the balls.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I understand your dilemma.
Look at it this way;
The reason you went to the OW was because you weren't getting it at home, right?
Now, what you need to work on is getting what you want, what you need as a man, from your wife!
I did the same thing, I went elsewhere because I wasn't getting the affection, closeness, and romance that I craved. Now I am. And art first, I thought exactly what you are thinking, "But this is what I had the OW for." But that is what the OW was substituting for. Now, it is real, it is genuine, and it is from the one you love, not the one you settled for.
Put those thoughts behind you and enjoy your wonderful wife.
And whoever posted it is dead on;
*Have an EA and PA with your wife every day from here on out!*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> You should have an EA with your wife. Every day.


This is the answer.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

DanF said:


> I understand your dilemma.
> Look at it this way;
> The reason you went to the OW was because you weren't getting it at home, right?
> Now, what you need to work on is getting what you want, what you need as a man, from your wife!
> ...


Not "Getting it at home" is not a reason, it's a cover. My H tried to sell me the same bridge. People have
P As because they want to, period. They choose to get what they want the same way a car thief does, by taking what they aren't entitled to, instead of working for it. If you were not" getting it at home" you should have told your wife about what you felt you were missing, repeatedly if necessary, and worked with her so that you both got what you needed. If my H had done that there would not have been an A, and that is just why he didn't tell me. He wanted to have that A, and he didn't want me to know that is what he was thinking about, because I would have gotten in the way. He wanted that young thing and he tried to tell me that it was my fault that he chose betrayal over honesty. Sorry , no sale.


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## Gettingback2good (Oct 14, 2011)

I thought I would throw a different POV on this. I am a recvoering OW. Here is what I would say if this was the man I was involved withs post:

I think that while in the fog you create this fantasy you don't really think of person you are involved with, more or less you are thinking of the feeling that you are getting. Feelings can be re-created. Eveyone has a movie that makes them feel a particular emotion no matter how many times they watch it. Acting out those scenarios with your wife is honoring that you maybe gained something from the A hell that we created - a depper understand of your fantasy and the person that was meant to be in it. Maybe in some way that helps ease the guilt of the OW. 

Not that I think you should tell your wife or OW (assumming you have no contact) but in some cosmic way it helps me a little to think maybe, just maybe, in this disaster some good can come out of it.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Gettingback2good said:


> I thought I would throw a different POV on this. I am a recvoering OW. Here is what I would say if this was the man I was involved withs post:
> 
> I think that while in the fog you create this fantasy you don't really think of person you are involved with, more or less you are thinking of the feeling that you are getting. Feelings can be re-created. Eveyone has a movie that makes them feel a particular emotion no matter how many times they watch it. Acting out those scenarios with your wife is honoring that you maybe gained something from the A hell that we created - a depper understand of your fantasy and the person that was meant to be in it. Maybe in some way that helps ease the guilt of the OW.
> 
> Not that I think you should tell your wife or OW (assumming you have no contact) but in some cosmic way it helps me a little to think maybe, just maybe, in this disaster some good can come out of it.


Thanks for posting. It is always good to get a view from different perspectives.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Gettingback2good said:


> I thought I would throw a different POV on this. I am a recvoering OW. Here is what I would say if this was the man I was involved withs post:
> 
> I think that while in the fog you create this fantasy you don't really think of person you are involved with, more or less you are thinking of the feeling that you are getting. Feelings can be re-created. Eveyone has a movie that makes them feel a particular emotion no matter how many times they watch it. Acting out those scenarios with your wife is honoring that you maybe gained something from the A hell that we created - a depper understand of your fantasy and the person that was meant to be in it. Maybe in some way that helps ease the guilt of the OW.
> 
> Not that I think you should tell your wife or OW (assumming you have no contact) but in some cosmic way it helps me a little to think maybe, just maybe, in this disaster some good can come out of it.


I'm not going to argue with that, but here we aren't discussing why or how the affair happened. It's how to deal with feelings after.
Being a cheater myself, I went through a similar experience.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Gettingback2good said:


> I thought I would throw a different POV on this. I am a recvoering OW. Here is what I would say if this was the man I was involved withs post:
> 
> I think that while in the fog you create this fantasy you don't really think of person you are involved with, more or less you are thinking of the feeling that you are getting. Feelings can be re-created. Eveyone has a movie that makes them feel a particular emotion no matter how many times they watch it. Acting out those scenarios with your wife is honoring that you maybe gained something from the A hell that we created - a depper understand of your fantasy and the person that was meant to be in it. Maybe in some way that helps ease the guilt of the OW.
> 
> Not that I think you should tell your wife or OW (assumming you have no contact) but in some cosmic way it helps me a little to think maybe, just maybe, in this disaster some good can come out of it.


Thank you for the insight. Frankly it's a bit unusual for the OW to express empathy for the BS. You seem to have taken something very positive from an emotional disaster. It helps me to know that it is possible. The OW in our case kept trying to contact him and popping up unexpectedly for nearly a year and a half. She knew that she was making our recovery more difficult. Your post renews my faith in my fellow man (woman). ((( hugs )))


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I do think that some good came out of it. But it's uncomfortable to even think that way.


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