# Marriage broken down. Need advice



## markyyyyyy

Hi, when I was 21 I moved from my family home in Bristol, to Leeds, as I met my wife a year earlier, when I was 20. I'm now 30, we have a mortgage together, 2 dogs and an 18 month old. Our marriage has gradually broken down over the last couple of years, and we have had a few failed attempts to get it back on track. We have both agreed that separation is the best way forward as a fsmily., As we are unhappy, and it's not nice for our son to see. We are still living together for the foreseeable future, but this won't be sustainable 

I have put all of my life savings into a house extension, and also the house deposit, and I full well know that I'm the one who will be leaving. I'm most likely to return to Bristol where my family and friends are 

The main bit I'm struggling to cope with is that my 18 month old son (who i currently look after 2 days a week) is going to be 200 miles away from me, and also the fact that I have set up my own business and client base in Leeds, which has gone to pot.

I'm basically after some support from anyone who has gone through a similar situation.

Thanks for reading.


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## TJW

I went to an attorney and found out what situation I would have been in had I left. My situation would have been similar to yours, had I chosen to proceed with a divorce. Financially, I would have been ruined, and XW would have had custody of the boys, I would have been trying to be a weekend father (and I was in a business which was busier on the weekends than on weekdays)..... it would have been awful.

My wife and I learned to peacefully co-exist. That's not to say we had any kind of happy marriage. But, financially, we remained solvent and in the house with our two boys as a nuclear family.

We learned to not fight. It took some trial and error, and some pain, but we learned. It became sustainable. In retrospect, I'm very glad we didn't divorce.
She tragically died at 36 from liver failure, but our two had their mom and their dad with them throughout.

This is what I recommend for you and your wife. Do what it takes to rebuild your marriage, if you can.


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## notmyjamie

Welcome to TAM. Sorry you find yourself here but glad you found the place. There are lots of good people here willing to help.

Why do you assume you'll have to give the house to your wife? I live in the US so I don't know how it goes in the UK but have you seen a lawyer to find out your options? 

And why do you have to move so far away? I get that your family is there, but your son is the most important part of your family and you should be as close to him as possible. Also, can't you sell the house and split the proceeds with your wife so you each get something out of it?


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## aine

Just wondering whether the stress of having a kid and a new business caused the marital problems. 

In other words will it really solve things by breaking up. Marriage is hard work but as long as neither of you have cheated and you are still reasonably attracted to one another you can make it work. 
It might require counselling, etc.
Why would you want to run back to your family when your wife and kid are essentially your family. To my mind this is very telling.
Can you actually pin point what is wrong with the marriage, is it something to do with both of you or is it external factors, there is a difference.


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## Lostinthought61

you should think about selling the house, otherwise you will be paying for a home which one day be occupied by some guy.


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## SunCMars

Instant, in your face pain, does not always translate into 'forever' pain.

While, most would agree that you will certainly suffer in the short term, you can have a better outcome.

Especially, as you and and your son age.

After the cleaving, the two of you may not be together 'much' in the upcoming near term.

If you work it out correctly, you will never be totally apart.

Your son is a baby, you are a younger man. Both of you have a long time to get close.

Make sure you get legally binding language that includes your being in his life. 
Even if means 'only' on golf Wednesdays and/or on weekends.

Never let the boy down by being a no-show.





[THM]- TT-I


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## Yeswecan

markyyyyyy said:


> Hi, when I was 21 I moved from my family home in Bristol, to Leeds, as I met my wife a year earlier, when I was 20. I'm now 30, we have a mortgage together, 2 dogs and an 18 month old. Our marriage has gradually broken down over the last couple of years, and we have had a few failed attempts to get it back on track. We have both agreed that separation is the best way forward as a fsmily., As we are unhappy, and it's not nice for our son to see. We are still living together for the foreseeable future, but this won't be sustainable
> 
> I have put all of my life savings into a house extension, and also the house deposit, and I full well know that I'm the one who will be leaving. I'm most likely to return to Bristol where my family and friends are
> 
> The main bit I'm struggling to cope with is that my 18 month old son (who i currently look after 2 days a week) is going to be 200 miles away from me, and also the fact that I have set up my own business and client base in Leeds, which has gone to pot.
> 
> I'm basically after some support from anyone who has gone through a similar situation.
> 
> Thanks for reading.


As seen here, a child changes everything. You have a 18 month and your marriage has broken down in the past 2 years. Do the math. The issue as many parents practice once a child is born is turning their attention to the child. The marriage flounders along. How does separation move your forward as a family???????? You are not together therefore not a family. You co-parent. That is all! 

Both of you must put each other first in everything. Children in a happy home have a happy life. Tell us, what have you "done" to save the marriage?


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## markyyyyyy

Thank you for your replies. Apologies for the delay. I have to admit, I haven't put so much into the relationship as I could have. As a bit of background, I have our son on a wednesday and Friday. She works full time, and as I am self employed I basically work all day Monday Tuesday and Thursday, Wednesday and Friday nights when she gets back from work. We only really have time together on a weekend. I'm very sports orientated, and she is very much the opposite.. there is no doubt that our son has put additional pressures on our relationship. We have had a very hard time with him, he's been a stressful baby until now. We've not had any sexual contact for months and we've been quite cold towards one another. I know I need to put more effort into her, I just hope that she hasn't given up on me


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## MattMatt

@markyyyyyy Who do you want to be nearer to? friends and family or your son?


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## BioFury

markyyyyyy said:


> Thank you for your replies. Apologies for the delay. I have to admit, I haven't put so much into the relationship as I could have. As a bit of background, I have our son on a wednesday and Friday. She works full time, and as I am self employed I basically work all day Monday Tuesday and Thursday, Wednesday and Friday nights when she gets back from work. We only really have time together on a weekend. I'm very sports orientated, and she is very much the opposite.. there is no doubt that our son has put additional pressures on our relationship. We have had a very hard time with him, he's been a stressful baby until now. We've not had any sexual contact for months and we've been quite cold towards one another. I know I need to put more effort into her, I just hope that she hasn't given up on me


Separating is not the way forward - unless your goal is getting divorced. I would counsel you to not move out. As doing otherwise would almost assuredly result in the demise of your marriage.

What specific issues are there between you and your wife? Why is she unhappy? Why are you unhappy?

In the mean time, I'd recommend you read the books "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters", both by the same author.


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## MattMatt

@markyyyyyy marriage counselling might be worth considering.


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