# Help, My husband keeps reliving the past!!!!!



## 2nd go round (Sep 28, 2012)

I have been married almost 10 years and I am really starting to feel like my husband is holding a mistake I made in the past over my head!! About 5 years ago we hit a rough patch financially, my husband left the state to find work and left me behind until he could better provide. Meanwhile with 3 kids I felt to keep up with the bills and no job i had to pawn my wedding ring. I told him that I had done it and wasnt proud but I felt there was nothing left for me to do facing utility **** off. Fast forward to about a year ago things have really turned around for him and we're still together but he is upset because he had to pay to get my ring out of pawn. He says it feels like he bought it twice. For that reason he doesnt wear his ring and will not give mine back or give me a ring to wear. He says that I showed him that the rings didnt mean anything and as far as he's concerned I dont desrve one. We dont have any other problems and our only arguments are usually when I bring up the ring situation. Should I just back off and forget it all and leave well enough alone or do I have a right to expect that we wear rings. His stubborness in the matter makes me thinks hes trying to be controlling knowing how it hurts me and I was very apologetic, I dont understand his position if he says we've moved on. He said that I can go buy my own ring or I can buy my band back from him but still he refuses to give me the engagement ring ever again.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Wow, REALLY?!? WHAT THE H*ELL IS HIS PROBLEM???

PLEASE PRINT THIS OUT AND SHOW THIS TO HIM.

Hey, Buddy, you left the state to try to find work BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY. You wanted to find work to make money BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T HAVE ANY. YOU LEFT your wife BEHIND with three small children to feed and NO WAY TO SUPPORT THEM UNTIL Y-O-U were able to find work and send her money.

WHAT THE HELL DID YOU EXPECT HER TO FEED/DIAPER YOUR KIDS WITH??? A smile? "Hey, Mr. Grocer, please let me have some food for my kids; I PROMISE I'll pay you back just as soon as I have money." YEAH! THAT ALWAYS WORKS!

Your wife pawned her rings for money to feed YOUR CHILDREN. She did NOT pawn them to get her hair dyed, or to go on a trip to the Caribbean, or to go tanning at the salon, or to get a manicure. She did it TO FEED Y-O-U-R kids....which apparently you were TRYING to do but were termporarily unsuccessful at! And you want to BULLY HER? AND MAKE HER FEEL LIKE CR*P? For looking after YOUR kids?

SCREW YOU!

Perhaps she should bully you about being a LOUSY provider. Or an undependable father who LEAVES his kids (never mind that you left to find work...let's just tell 1/2 a story like YOU DO...she pawned her rings, what a b*tch, blah, blah, blah).

Grow up, you PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN and thank your wife EVERY DAY FOR GIVING YOU THOSE BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN and for STICKING WITH YOU (without complaint) WHILE YOU LEFT HER AND THE KIDS TO FIND WORK and for not EVER pointing out that you had failed to provide for them.

HOW DARE you make your wife APOLOGIZE for PICKING UP Y-O-U-R SLACK. You, buddy, are an ungrateful B*STARD!!!


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

2ndgo, first of all you did not make a mistake, you did what you needed to do. I don't know your H, but it sounds like the ring is a symbol of his failure to provide. It is a constant reminder and a trigger to him. It may even be that your pawning the ring represents a lack of faith in him in his eyes. I'm not saying that's rational or correct. He did get the ring out of pawn, so it does mean something to him.

If everything else is ok in the marriage, then I would not push the ring issue. If there are other issues in the marriage then it would be better to address those. At some point, I think you both need to circle back and air things out about his needing to leave to find work and how that affected both of you. But again, the ring itself is not the issue.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> it sounds like the ring is a symbol of his failure to provide


Of course it is, it is a constant reminder that DURING THAT PERIOD OF TIME, he felt like a failure (didn't say he WAS one, just that he FELT like one.)

So, INSTEAD OF THANKING HIS WIFE for sticking with him during some REALLY TOUGH times, he is BLAMING HER for feeling like a failure. Instead of GIVING HER her wedding band back, he tells her SHE CAN BUY IT OFF OF HIM like he had to buy it out of hock?!? WTF, she did NOT pawn her ring and P*SS the money away on her own selfish wants/desires. He has a LOT OF NERVE treating her as though she did.

Has he ever stopped to consider FOR ONE MINUTE how it must have felt to be HER? She is left ALONE WITH 3 SMALL CHILDREN to care for AND NO INCOME while he moved to another state....not down the road, to ANOTHER STATE!!! How the h*ll scary would THAT be? But all HE can think about is his stupid wounded MALE PRIDE!

And she can't have her engagement ring back EVER? Even if she was to humiliate herself and pay him for it? WHAT A SELFISH, EGOTISTICAL, WALLOWING, SELF-PITYING, IDIOT.

*PLEASE, will some other MAN on these boards come here and EXPLAIN to this man WHY he is a total d0uche for putting HIS EGO and HURT PRIDE before a loving, and supportive partner?* How many men here WISH they had a wife who would be so understanding about being unemployed and looking for another job? How many men here have/had a S.O. who would have dumped their azz once the money quit coming in?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

No other man can explain anything to her man as he is not the one posting. I'll wait for the OP as she is the one who posted.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I personally wouldn't have a problem with it. A ring is just a ring. Food on the table and the electric being on is far more important. 
There is NOTHING I wouldn't do to provide for my wife and sons. 
My older sister has a husband who makes a great living, provided a huge house and my sister has everything she NEEDS. Yet she WANTS more than is acceptable. Her whole life she has been horrible with credit cards. This has continued as a wife and a mother. Her husband hopefully is more aware of it cause a few years ago she pawned all her jewelry and bought fake jewelry in its place, I assume too pay off some cards. I don't know if he ever found out. In that case my wife would be packing her bags and getting out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I think you absolutely must clear the resentment associated with ring. It has to be resolved in one way or another or it will be like a guillotine hovering over your marriage.

Basically people use their resentment as an excuse to withhold loving actions. So what actually happens is the resentful person actually kills off love by withholding and therefore the marriage dies a slow but sure death. It is highly likely that the resentful person, your H, will never leave but that you will because of lack of love in your marriage. The resentful person additionally uses their resentment as an excuse for their own bad behaviour.

So with a resentful partner, you not only have a lack of love in your marriage you also have bad behaviour.


But you will not be able to clear the resentment on your own. That’s an absolute impossibility. You need an outside person to help you. So contact an MC, tell them the specific problem you want resolved and book an appointment. If your husband wont go with you, then you at least know what your future will be and can make an informed decision about your way ahead.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

was it really a mistake or just a necessity?


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

hmm. depends.
if the ring was pawned because they were starving to death and there were no other options. i understand.
if there were other things to pawn, family others to go to, state or federal help, any other option.
Then i would be kind of pissed the ring was pawned myself, especially if it were the first idea to enter my wifes head.

And it didnt really solved anything, because he had to go spend more money to bail it out of pawn.
so if there were other options available, any other options, then pawning your wedding ring would not only be very disrespectful and shallow but also kind of a stupid thing to do since you have to spend more money to get it back. 
From a commitment type of standpoint, i know i would be pretty pissed off if my wife pawned her wedding ring (the symbol of our marriage) only to make me go spend more money to go get the damn thing back. Especially if she had other options. i probably wouldnt get over it either.

what other options were considered first?
where exactly did the ring money go?
For instance, if it bought formula for a baby, that is one thing.
If it went to pay for mcdonalds and the cable bill that is something else entirely.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

A ring is just a thing. It can be redeemed, and it was. He didn't agree with your choice of actions, and you two need to understand what each other thought should have happened. Then, you both have to agree that it is DONE. OVER WITH. HISTORY. Buried in the Mariana Trench. And that it never comes back. Both of you have to do this. And then make it so.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

oldgeezer said:


> A ring is just a thing. It can be redeemed, and it was. He didn't agree with your choice of actions, and you two need to understand what each other thought should have happened. Then, you both have to agree that it is DONE. OVER WITH. HISTORY. Buried in the Mariana Trench. And that it never comes back. Both of you have to do this. And then make it so.


You have much to learn about how others see these things.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

I hope the ring was the last thing you used and not the first. If you pawned it before other less significant objects then your husband is right. The ring itself is an object but what it meant was your bond to him. You pawned it.

Did he tell you of alternatives? Did you asked him before you did it?


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## hurtandmiserable (Sep 23, 2012)

If this is the biggest issue between the two of you, it sure seems like he is blowing things out of proportion. It sounds to me like you did at least what you THOUGHT you had to do.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> I hope the ring was the last thing you used and not the first. If you pawned it before other less significant objects then your husband is right. The ring itself is an object but what it meant was your bond to him. You pawned it.
> 
> Did he tell you of alternatives? Did you asked him before you did it?


This is my exact thoughts. I feel like I'm going against the stream here but to the OP.

Was your place of living barren of everything else, Televisions, computers, other jewelry, automobiles (if you're a SAHM, then public transportation, although inconvenient, is doable) etc? I'm sorry but if my wife pawned her engagement and wedding rings without telling me but our television set was still sitting there, I'd be EXTREMELY pissed and resentful. Sorry but if you want opinions, you need to provide more information. Everyone is assuming it was wedding ring versus starvation without any other options and you never said that.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

And it was done behind his back? Or with his permission? Our rings are a symbol of our marriage. If my wife pawned hers without telling me I would consider us no longer married. You sold your marriage for pop tarts and electric light. Not good.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

2nd go round said:


> Fast forward to about a year ago things have really turned around for him and we're still together but he is upset because he had to pay to get my ring out of pawn. He says it feels like he bought it twice. For that reason he doesnt wear his ring and will not give mine back or give me a ring to wear. He says that I showed him that the rings didnt mean anything and as far as he's concerned I dont desrve one. We dont have any other problems and our only arguments are usually when I bring up the ring situation. Should I just back off and forget it all and leave well enough alone or do I have a right to expect that we wear rings. His stubborness in the matter makes me thinks hes trying to be controlling knowing how it hurts me and I was very apologetic, I dont understand his position if he says we've moved on. He said that I can go buy my own ring or I can buy my band back from him but still he refuses to give me the engagement ring ever again.


I think the poor guy is humiliated by not being able to provide for his family. In typical male fashion, he blames his wife for his feelings of inadequacy.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Wow, you "pawned your marriage for pop tarts and electric light."

Electricity controls more than the lights and the television - no electricity in most cases also means no heat, and no refrigerator, for keeping food for the children. I also means no phone/computer to use for calling in case of emergencies (relying on neighbors being home/willing to help to call 911 is a really bad idea.)

As for the suggestion of selling the TV and whatever else is in the house, has anyone here actually ever been really hard up and tried to pawn anything? 

You aren't really going to get jack for a 20 year old tube-type television these days - I bought my TV from the Goodwill for $10, so - how much can I really expect the pawn shop is going to give me for it, knowing at this point, what's what I could buy it for? The same with a computer, or any other electronics - the resale value is really low, so - you don't get much out if it. Less significant objects might not be worth anything - it might cause you more in gas/bus fare to try and haul your TV over there, than they might give you for it. 

Also, if I was living temporarily alone with three young children, I'm not sure I'd to bring in a whole bunch of electronics to the store, even for the $10 they might give you. Letting people know you might have items worth taking when you are alone doesn't seem like the wisest idea either. 

People can justify the husband's feelings saying she should have made other arrangements - but, not everyone has jewelery sitting around in piles, not everyone has a flat screen TV to pawn, not everyone has family to beg money from. (Even if family has it, it doesn't mean they are willing to give it to you.) The moral judgement on what she used the money for is astounding - are you wondering whether the husband had cable wherever he was living, or whether he ate at McDonalds during this entire situation? Is that more or less justifiable?

Also, the husbands rage seems rather specifically directed towards the engagement ring, but not the wedding band, and that whole thing seems very strange for me. She has to buy her wedding band back from her husband? Really?

I'm wondering if any underlying issue here isn't just guilt over his inability to provide during that period of time, or - whether or not something was already going on anyway. What's the possibility he was seeing someone else during the time he was gone? Did he ever come home to visit? How much contact was there? How much did you discuss financial things? Did he send money home/was it direct deposited?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> he is upset because he had to pay to get my ring out of pawn. *He says it feels like he bought it twice.*


This doesn't reek of a man hung up on sentimental value of the rings. All this buying it back talk, first from the pawn shop and then telling HER to pay him back for it? Nope. Not sentimental value at all.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This doesn't reek of a man hung up on sentimental value of the rings. All this buying it back talk, first from the pawn shop and then telling HER to pay him back for it? Nope. Not sentimental value at all.


That's true. Just because it has a deep sentimental meaning for me, and just because pawning it behind my back would be a deal breaker for me, doesn't mean that the OP's man attaches the same significance for it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I dont understand his position if he says we've moved on. He said that I can go buy my own ring or *I can buy my band back from him but still he refuses to give me the engagement ring ever again*


Why did he get them out of pawn if he didn't intend to return it to his wife? WTF is that about?

I'd let him pout with the rings and never ask about them again. He's like on some kind of power trip. No thanks.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

2nd go round said:


> For that reason he doesnt wear his ring and will not give mine back or give me a ring to wear. He says that I showed him that the rings didnt mean anything and as far as he's concerned I dont desrve one.


You have to tell him that this is totally unacceptable behaviour in a marriage. Independent of it being true or not.

MC or leaving him is what you can do. If you put up with this it will get worse and end in divorce anyway.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

AFEH said:


> You have much to learn about how others see these things.


I may or may not, but I find it hard to say that anything BUT what I suggested is actually workable. 

If I understand correctly, this is now YEARS in the past, and he's nursing a grudge over it. I'm sorry, but that's just NOT acceptable. And, living with this is also not possible, as a permanent thing. So, she's going to have to ask him "What do you think I should have done?" and he's going to have to answer it. and, He's going to have to ask her "Why did you do this?" And no matter the agreement or disagreement, they're going to have to agree to get past it - period. 

And, unless both are willing to agree with the "we're done and over it", then this is an impossible road to travel. 

I know this by experience, and it's one of the things I'm dealing with. This business of having every past wrong never forgotten, which means it's never actually forgiven, is pure poison and misery - it cannot remain this way and the two remain married.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Starstarfish said:


> Wow, you "pawned your marriage for pop tarts and electric light."
> 
> Electricity controls more than the lights and the television - no electricity in most cases also means no heat, and no refrigerator, for keeping food for the children. I also means no phone/computer to use for calling in case of emergencies (relying on neighbors being home/willing to help to call 911 is a really bad idea.)
> 
> ...


I completely get what your saying, but people here are killing the H of the OP because they're ASSUMING the OP did everything she could prior to pawning. We don't know the facts. We don't even know for a fact that she sold it behind his back, there's inference of that being the situation but it hasn't been definitively stated.

I'm ASKING, what was the scenario. I'm also trying to explain to the OP that IF there were alternatives to getting money to keep the family going and those weren't taken, but she did pawn her rings BEHIND HIS BACK, then there's DEFINITELY justification for the husband's anger. Is his anger augmented by embarrassment due to his failure to provide for his family...DEFINITELY. But before we take sides of who is right or wrong, we need more information. I was just offering perspective based on hypothesis.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I am on the fence without further details. So here is my take:

The wedding bands are definitely the last object that gets pawned. I would sell my car before I sold my ring. A pawn shop used to pay $5 per non scratched CD and I am sure that DVDs go for the same amount. As far as food, the are plenty of food banks to help feed the family and if your husband was out of work, you would qualify for food stamps.

All that being said, he is pissed off about something else. If a ring matters that much to you, take the time to purchase it off of him. When you make the final payment tell him that you are grateful and how much the ring means to you. I would not buy a new one. It will probably just send him further over the edge.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> *5 years ago we hit a rough patch financially*, my husband left the state to find work and left me behind until he could better provide. Meanwhile with 3 kids I felt to keep up with the bills and no job i had to pawn my wedding ring. I told him that I had done it and wasnt proud but I felt there was nothing left for me to do facing utility **** off. *Fast forward to about a year ago *things have really turned around for him and we're still together


It took 4 years for him to get himself in a financially stable place. Moving out of state to find work and everything, she's still with him working it all out. 

Maybe it was rash of her to sell her rings, but it was done. It paid bills while he was gone. All this time has past in between and he's still holding the ring thing over her head? Something is rotten in Denmark. I don't think he's being reasonable. Nobody is saying he shouldn't be mad about it, but again, it's water under the bridge. He has the rings and she wants them back. She's still his wife, they do mean something to her or she wouldn't be here talking about them. What is HIS deal? What's the real problem he has with her, because her selling the rings isn't it. If it is, then he's IMO the pettiest man alive to hold this over her under the circumstances. It's not as if he's NEVER made a bad decision in their 10 years. I mean come on.


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