# New here...advice needed and welcomed regarding porn



## shellebell71 (Feb 25, 2011)

First, I'm so glad to have found this site! I had a long post typed up and lost it!!! So here's the short story...

Several years ago I found that my husband had been frequenting online dating and sex sites and watching a LOT of porn. We went to counseling, I put monitoring software on his computer (with his knowledge) and he swore he'd never hurt me again, it was stupid, etc. 

Since then, I've caught him going around the software, to different computers, and most recently on his phone watching porn again. He hasn't been to the dating sites as far as I know, but he's gone out of his way to be able to watch porn. 

My position on porn is this...it's fine with me if we are watching as a couple. But when he watches it by himself, it makes me feel inadequate, unloving, and not sexual in the least. I've explained this, and yet he continues to do it. I see this as not only a slap in the face, but as being dishonest as well when he's searching for different ways to watch it when he gets caught one way. I'm so untrusting of him right now. He says that it's something all men do, and that he just has a higher drive than I do and that's his way of dealing with that. My answer to that would be that I'd have more of a desire more often, if I didn't think it took porn to get him interested.

I feel a big wedge between us right now that I'm not sure can be fixed because he's said over and over he wouldn't do it if it hurt me. But he does it anyway. 

Any advice, comments or thoughts are welcomed. Thanks so much for listening!


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Like I posted in another thread, restricting a man from looking at porn only makes him change how he looks at it. If he's looking at dating sites then you have other issues in the relationship. I would try to figure out why he's tryign to get a date.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

You know, I'm really not against the use of porn. But if the spouse has issues with it, they should be talked through and a compromise found which both can live with. The dating sites though... That is just bad. Like kobo said, there are bigger things happening here and just banning porn won't fix it. If he watches or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> My answer to that would be that I'd have more of a desire more often, if I didn't think it took porn to get him interested.


This is a very common catch 22. Talk honestly about this. If he 100% stopped, would it take you weeks to be more interested?



> I feel a big wedge between us right now that I'm not sure can be fixed because he's said over and over he wouldn't do it if it hurt me. But he does it anyway.


Don't end your marriage over this. Figure out a way to do this.

Talking from the point of view of a husband who has higher desire than his wife, this issue is hard. Its really hard for the lower desire person to understand what its like. He needs to listen to you and you need to listen to him.

Unmatched desire is a problem that will always be there, but many couples find a work around it. Find a way to make this work that doesn't make him the bad guy for having a high desire and you the bad guy for not being interested.

If you have a stressful week and aren't interested because of that, what is your H allowed to do? If you are sick? If he is extra lusty?

Its probably not possible for you husband to give up porn if you aren't going to trust him and be more interested until a month or two later.

Find a positive way around this. Sex is a great part of marriage. It can also cause enormous issues once its starts to get negative. Sex stops and then you have 2 frustrated and angry people that aren't thinking strait.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

He has gone to dating web sites, and he is watching a lot of porn. That is cheating to me. I personally couldn't forgive that, but if you think you can well I would suggest going back to counseling.

If he is not willing to stop all behaviours and work very hard on your marriage then I would leave. Having said that, he's allready had a second chance.


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## shellebell71 (Feb 25, 2011)

Syrum, that has kind of been my thought too...he's already had chance after chance. 

Anx, I appreciate your viewpoint. What is he allowed to do when I'm sick or just don't feel like it? He can masturbate. But he shouldn't NEED porn to do that in my opinion. I agree that he should have a way to "release" when I'm not able or willing. I guess it's the thought that he NEEDS it, or isn't willing to just quit watching it unless it's with me that bothers me the most. It makes me feel like crap. Also, because the porn he's watching really is NOTHING like me. So that makes me think he wants that. Does that make sense? 

We've talked about it several times. It always ends in "maybe we're just not compatible in that way". What do I say to that?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> Also, because the porn he's watching really is NOTHING like me. So that makes me think he wants that.


As logical as that is, its probably not the truth.

Also, for me at least it not that same to do it alone. I need my wife to be there helping and supporting. I don't get turned on when its just me. It takes the edge off, but not much more. IMO, if you want him to stop, be there for a HJ, or makeout, or a shower together with some assistance.

I told my wife this for awhile and it never really made sense to her.

The dating site stuff isn't good, but you said he stopped that. Its also not right that he is telling you that he is going to stop. He wants to make you happy, but this is hard for him.

Sex for a high desire guys isn't an easy issue and they are often the bad guy when there a lack of physical.




> We've talked about it several times. It always ends in "maybe we're just not compatible in that way". What do I say to that?


I kind of agree with that. the difference in desire will always be there. You need a find a healthy way around this other than you not being there to help if you can't/don't fell like it and him not able to watch porn. 

I feel like with the current rules he will mess up and watch porn like he has done before. Change the rules. 

It is also not ok for him to be horny and interested in you and have no options for that. He can masterbate, but for me it just takes off the edge. I come back the next day even more desperate for sex and feel even more rejected. 

If you want to stop porn, be there with a hand job, join him in the shower, or something else.

Also, look up love languages if you haven't. I'm almost sure his top one will be physical. He is probably hurting about the situation too.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

The 99% most likely way to end the porn is to be available for him. If you tell him that any time he's thinking about looking at porn he should come to you instead. No it's not necessarily have sex. Help in out in some way whenever he comes to you. This can even be laying there naked while he masturbates himself with you some of the time.

He's demonstrated that he "falls down" again if you two stay with what you are doing now. I would doubt any promise to quit. He'll try hard for a while but will be back. If porn watching is a deal breaker for you than you are down to either ending it or trying to make sure he's always satisfied.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

Shellebell71 - I am a male. Happily married - though yes of course we've had our up's and downs and I have a higher sex drive than my wife.

Both men and women have to respect each others needs. A husband has to respect that his wife won't be interested in sex at certain times of the month.
A wife has to accept that her husband probably has a higher sex drive than she has - its normal, we are designed that way. For us sex is a fundemental need. We also view women differently than women view men. A woman looks at a man thinking whether he would be suitable to sire her children...is he good looking, strong, intelligent etc
We don't look at women to see if they will make a good mother etc...we look at her and think WOW, I'd love to have sex with her! It is an accepted fact that within something like 10 seconds of being introduced to a female the male has already checked out her t!ts, bum etc. We are no more than animals with a developed brain!

If your husbands 'interest' in porn is leading to a decrease in the amount of intimacy you have with him then you certainly need to talk. However, if your sex life is the same but your husband is looking at some porn sites and probably masturbating then he is being a normal male. We all do it. Its fantasy. Don't you ever fantasize? 

Surely its better that your husband fantasizes infront of a computer screen than goes out and does it for real?

I will stress this one thing again though.... If your sex life together hasnt gone down hill then give him a break (why not offer to look at the porn with him and let one thing lead to another...)...BUT...if your sex life HAS gone downhill and he would rather jack off infront of a computer screen than make love to YOU...then you have some serious talking to do!


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

shellebell71 said:


> What is he allowed to do when I'm sick or just don't feel like it? He can masturbate. But he shouldn't NEED porn to do that in my opinion.


Your opinion is running into mens' biology. Realize that as I'm saying this, I'm an anti-porn guy myself.

Whacking off to porn is SO much better than whacking of to fantasies, even if the fantasy is replaying porn. The orgasm can be better than an orgasm with pathetic sex. That is how so many men become addicted. 

I realize that many women think it isn't so. Or that it shouldn't be so. But that is a reality that women need to know about men.

What women do have is that porn doesn't hold a candle to slightly better than pathetic sex. Some men do get so addicted that they start replacing sex with their SO with porn, but if he's still interested in you then fortunately you're not dealing with this problem.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Well, I agree that if something specifically bothers the person you love, then maybe you should try not to do it.... but... just wondering, what is his explanation as to why he does it? the why might explain more than just looking at the porn (might be masking something else)

If it is just a porn thing.. then ya, there is not need to continue to hurt you. If there is a reason...there may be something to be done that will just erase the need.


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

This is a difficult issue. I am a guy and married 6 years. I love having sex with my wife and will always choose her over porn. She has made it clear that she wants me to choose her as the object of my desire, no matter what, even if i have to wake her up in the middle of the night (I never do this despite the fact she says she would rather me wake her then take care of myself. She respects my decision to go against her wishes on this one). There are times I want to get absolutely filthy and raunchy and she wants to be there with me. 

However, occasionally I still turn to porn. We both know it and we are both okay with it, though obviously it is not ideal. But why do I do it? 

Sex and human relationship is complicated. I love and respect my wife so much. It is just asking a lot of us to be totally uninhibited with her EVERYTIME. No matter a woman's willingness to try, it may be asking too much for a man to expose his raw, primal sexual nature in its entirety all the time. I do not know why this is. Maybe our lives are too complicated, too confusing, too far removed from our primal selves. And of course we are attracted by variety even if we choose to remain monogamous. We can't control our desires.

Now if excessive porn/masturbation means i have less sexual energy for my wife when she needs it, then that is a big problem. 

I think the two of you need to talk about this without confrontation and without anger. My wife and I have had a few conversations about it and we now consider it a topic of humor, one in which we both laugh at the complexity and irrationality of male sexuality. The important thing is that she never feels inadequate or unsexy. If you feel inadequate, then you need to discuss that with him and get him to really open up. Maybe he can't imagine doing some really raunchy things with his wife, the mother of his children? Maybe there is a mental barrier from allowing him to express himself uninhibitedly? I know I do sometimes. The husband and wife relationship is intense! I can't expect to be in perfect harmony sexually with her _all the time_. If we are _most of the time_, and have regular sex, and feel incredibly satisfied everytime, then we are both grateful.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

glitchathon said:


> This is a difficult issue. I am a guy and married 6 years. I love having sex with my wife and will always choose her over porn. She has made it clear that she wants me to choose her as the object of my desire, no matter what, even if i have to wake her up in the middle of the night (I never do this despite the fact she says she would rather me wake her then take care of myself. She respects my decision to go against her wishes on this one). There are times I want to get absolutely filthy and raunchy and she wants to be there with me.
> 
> However, occasionally I still turn to porn. We both know it and we are both okay with it, though obviously it is not ideal. But why do I do it?
> 
> ...


I appreciate this post. Can I ask something though? Why do you feel like you can't do raunchy things? Mental barrier?


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## glitchathon (Oct 22, 2009)

Brennan said:


> I appreciate this post. Can I ask something though? Why do you feel like you can't do raunchy things? Mental barrier?


Well, I can most of the time... just not all the time. It must be some kind of mental barrier where sometimes I just don't want to. We have so much going on in both our lives and it is hard to always be in tune with each other, sexually. Occasionally porn just seems to be a good option.


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

glitchathon said:


> This is a difficult issue. I am a guy and married 6 years. I love having sex with my wife and will always choose her over porn. She has made it clear that she wants me to choose her as the object of my desire, no matter what, even if i have to wake her up in the middle of the night (I never do this despite the fact she says she would rather me wake her then take care of myself. She respects my decision to go against her wishes on this one). There are times I want to get absolutely filthy and raunchy and she wants to be there with me.
> 
> However, occasionally I still turn to porn. We both know it and we are both okay with it, though obviously it is not ideal. But why do I do it?
> 
> ...


This!:iagree:

This is how I feel about sex with my girl and porn. As I said, if it were up to me, I'd do it 2x a day. However, I know it is just not possible and it would be unfair. And I am very happy with the frequency we have it now. Hell, blown away that she wants it this often. Wonderful girl.

So well, I watch porn while relieving myself sometimes. While it varies, I average once a day. Half of those I watch porn I think. It does not replace my emotional connection. The only two thing in my life that turns me on is my wife, and to lesser extent, the act of sex. Seeing a naked women does nothing for me. Seeing one have sex and enjoy it does something for me. Picturing my wife as her. Does it for me. But in the end, it is the same as when I don't watch porn, just a bit faster.

And hell, I am always, and I do mean ALWAYS, ready when she wants it and she can tease me anytime and make me want her. Posted about this before, but she loves teasing me and then leave me hanging and finish it later.

Coupled with the fact that we do talk about ourselves, have a deep relationship, enjoy the same humor and want her more than I did 10 years ago... I can say that not in all cases is porn evil. Sometimes it is just a tool, like you know, a fleshlight (even though I don't have one, nothing beats the hand when solo, just saying...). or her massive collection of female "massagers"


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

I agree with glitchaton.

My wife has been stressed at her job, and really only been able to put effort into that.

I texted her today to ask for time to connect. She has been busy and very stressed all week, so by the time I got home I was pretty nuts and needed something physical.

I came out with bruises, which I asked for, and was really happy. i really couldn't be happier physically. 

Male sexuality is sometimes crazy. I'm talking DIRTY, INSANE, and NOT RATIONAL. I am sometimes crazy about being physical. 

Sometimes I KNOW its not possible for my wife to be there for me because she is too stressed. 

Porn is an outlet I occasionally use to make it through the week until she is more able to be physical.

Find something with your husband that works. Its going to be hard for your husband to open up about this if you are both hurting. If he says anything about porn, he will probably get in trouble.

I also agree with draguna. I am ALWAYS ready for my wife. I never let anything come in the way of that. I can have a SUPER stressful day, have already masterb*ted twice, she joined me in the shower later, I get WASTED and can still mess around later that night. I don't think women realize how crazy male sexuality can be. It 100% isn't rational. 

Also, the last think I will add is how much rejection effects a man. When rejected I can go from confident and happy to a total mess and feel worthless. It hits me strait to the core sometimes.

Sex is a very hard issue in marriage, and feelings can get hurt quickly.


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