# the illusion revealed



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Yeah, confidence in ones level of "having moved on" sometimes seems like an illusion, you're goin along, feelin alright, gettin into some premise of a routine; then like a thin tissue the slightest pressure at the right time can really expose ones lingering fragility. Being a dude, I don't like using that word. So the dose of reality brings a lot of frustration at not having gotten to a point where things the ex does, even rational common things, dredge up a lot of emotions. Mostly sadness, and I think at times I wonder if it's a small residual flicker of wishing she missed me. Boo hoo what a wuss.
I guess I should expect that a box of wedding photos, handed over as a last minute thought when picking up my kid today, old band photos, and some letters to her I had written would hit pretty hard... Some from sooo long ago, all just kind of left me wondering wtf again. Had to look... To look is to doom oneself at least for a few hours.
The band photos,,,, back at a time when I was early twenties, made for a considerable expanse between those days of wanton fun and frivolity ,and what little it suddenly appears I got goin on now in that department. But hey, twenty years later and I'm still broke and in debt, so there's a parallel. Yay. Not to deny the joys and good things,,but you know what I'm sayin. The take home box today from picking up the kid had all that stuff in it. I guess she was just sharing remaining stuff she had found, so to consider it a stab wouldn't do. I'm just wishing I could forego my own torturing that follows..first one being a feeling of being completely scrubbed from someones life, and the lack of true acceptance I evidently still have with her ultimately having moved on. My turn, right? Tap, tap, tap, tap, tap,,,any day now...tap tap tap tap....
I still feel robbed sometimes. For as much as I've professed a sense of liberation, I still sense more to deal with and more to have to grin and bare.*


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Maybe it has to do with going over there every day twice a day.
I got to get past the point that it doesnt bother me. Some days its doesnt at all, but when the ex is there and answers the door, and I bet when her OM comes back from whereever he is right now, its going to be a bit harder. 
Sucks when patience is the only tool you have to face these things.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Maybe it has to do with going over there every day twice a day.
> I got to get past the point that it doesnt bother me. Some days its doesnt at all, but when the ex is there and answers the door, and I bet when her OM comes back from whereever he is right now, its going to be a bit harder.
> Sucks when patience is the only tool you have to face these things.


Can't you drop off/pick up from a daycare? To minimize you're exposure to her and vice versa.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

My ex was having more money problems, and decided to make last week the last week of daycare for our kid. Up until that point we had been doing the drop off and pick up at daycare and it worked fine. Due to our kid's age and grade in school, she would have only been able to go this summer and then next school year, but then would have reached the age limit after that.

Thing is, I just wish I had more of my sh!t together. Had a "life" now, with friends who go and do things too and invite me. I wish going over to the old house didnt so drastically pronounce my lack of having a life in contrast to hers that never seemed to even have slowed at all. 
I am really getting sick of this feeling of being a "has been".


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

In my mind, I know that I need to get out there and make friends and meet people and be proactive. I am still working through residual anger, acceptance, grief, confusion of my place in life, accepting what and where I see myself now... 
This whole divorce sh!t hit at a time when I think I was going through some sort of midlife "concerns". Job that Ive stayed loyal to for so long but now isnt rewarding, other than "having one" compared to so many without. I sometimes think I should be happy, that I should be just jumping for fking joy, but something is squashing that and I cant figure out what it is.
Reading the No More Mr. Nice Guy book really hit home with the idea of toxic shame. Half the time I feel embarrassed because when re-reading what I post I end up sounding like a schmuck complaining about things when I should be happy and relieved.

So far Ive been getting better and feeling more solid in my house, and the routines that are being established. I have weeks where I really start feeling better and cling to those feelings for all they are worth. I try to pinpoint what "fear" is making me stumble when considering going out and trying to get together with people.
Has the scale of people I feel betrayed by left me fearful of trying to establish new friendships? 
Are some of these feelings still carrying forward from the depressed state I was in prior to the divorce or even knowing anything wrong with the marriage was happening? 

Its a shame to spend so much time all shaken up like this. I dont want to waste time anymore.
Enter in, confusion as to my calling in life itself, and the deeper questions man and woman alike ponder whether married or not about their own personal lives. Not trying to get ethereal or blather on about nonsense, I guess theres just days where I feel like Ive watched my whole life swirl down the drain and my mojo is extinguished.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Now i know how an apple feels, when its cored.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

This is probably a bit odd, but have you thought of building a cairn? Each day you put one rock in a pile, and you do it according to where you think the next rock or stone should go. It marks the passage of time, it is like you put all of your burdens from one day into the rock/stone you pick up that day, and you add it to the growing pile. It's a way of marking the passage of time but also giving a physical form to your suffering, the longer you live with suffering, the more friendly you become to what it gives you in terms of personal growth. Cairn building is catchy...you may even find from day to day that someone else is adding to yours. We have several cairns going on in our town. It is common to find them out on paths where people walk.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I like that idea. I wish we had stones lying around to build something like that. Most we might find around here are crushed pieces of concrete or bricks laying around. 

This being the first whole week that Ive had to drop off and pick up the kid from the old marital home, now scrubbed completely clean of any traces of daddy, and another man put in place there, like paper dolls on a felt board, ,I kind of knew it was going to be difficult. I dont think I ever got enough time between still living there after the divorce to getting my own place and moving in, I had to constantly see the ex, and witness her life just explode with a new relationship, and a windfall of money, and I get to "Borrow" my kid for a week at a time.
Its one of those situations you cant run from or escape from, and you cant cut the offender out of your life completely because of the mutual involvement with the kid. 
I think I needed more time to get my feet under me without being involved with the ex. It puts a different twist to the natural flow of moving on myself. Its hard to get past the anger/grief/acceptance stage.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You can build a cairn with anything, even trash or old bottles. 
From a spiritual viewpoint, it sounds like you are gone gone gone from the old house where you used to live. That's a good thing. It means your body/mind/spirit and life energy can be where you're at. Even if you are suffering, that is something that is going to compress what is inside...kind of like how carbon turns to diamonds under pressure. 

I had a lot of grief and sufferning and emotional pain lately. It is definitely a process and one that you can't avoid. So embracing it and being courageous and getting through one period of time after another being present in your experience is the best way to go. It's inevitable that everyone suffers at some point in life. Thank goodness we are designed so that we don't all do it at once. Even in periods of national mourning or large-scale disasters, our modern societies have teams of grief counselors who deploy to assist. You can be sure that your close friends do suffer with you, it's not as direct, but please don't ever feel alone in your suffering. If you reach out for support, you also discover how caring the world can be. That's the flip side of really letting your grief have its way with you, you discover all the people who care and who absolutely adore you for cherishing the thing you lost so much that you are broken hearted about losing it or in my case having it threatened.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Do you ever get the feeling that if you let the ex see you in pain or hurting that in some way you are losing face, or are conceeding to her having whipped your ass? I have that pride factor that makes it difficult to go over there and see all that going on over there, but then keep a straight face and act like it doesnt bother me in the least.
In about five minutes I head that way again. Off to the old marital home to pick up the kid. the bushes out front are overgrown, and I remember keeping those so trimmed and nice looking. The lawn is nothing but dirt now. How hard I worked on making that place a nice home to live in. Efforts never given the time of day in consideration. I half expect that the ex just figured it was a man's job to do that stuff.

Anyways, I dont expect her to be home today when I arrive. Its hard to see the dog that she brought home many years ago still there. Even if it was her dog, I became the primary attention giver to it, and its so excited everytime I go over there. 
But I have cats, and I cant deal with another animal in the house with the cats already messing everything up already.
I kind of feel like I abandoned that dog too. 
Wow, what a fcked up pity party day for me today... Maybe tomorrow will be better.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Even Superman has his internal days.

It's a good thing sometimes to reflect on where you have been.
You need to do that... in order to reflect on where you want to GO in the future.

the ole' saying about the rear view mirror being small, and the winsheild big. Just like driving, you should glance back once in awhile at what is behind you, but you are more focused on what's in front of you  Everyone gets that glance, it's more than allowed!

Have you ever done goal setting? It's mundane and boring, but writing it out sometimes helps. Where do you want to be in 5 years? Career, Attitude, Financial, Family, Personal.

Then do a daily goal under each one, so it's just a baby step towards the big goal. 
Gives you something to focus on for today, and tomorrow.


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## Paradise (Dec 16, 2011)

deejov = Tony Robbins!!! 

I like the advice. I had to start with one goal because I had the attention span of a lab rat at the time. It was simple...Wish I could remember what it was but the day after that I had 2 goals. 

Builds momentum


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Shoo you're getting to a better place, I think. I can see it in your posts. Of course it's going to take a LONG time to 'get over' a marriage, and I wonder if we ever really do get over it, especially if it wasn't our idea in the first place to get the divorce, or have the affair, or whatever. Do they miss us? I don't know. I, too, wish that my ex 'missed' me, but that thinking pulls me back to a place I don't want to be in. Bottom line: we have no control over what the ex feels or doesn't feel where we're concerned.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I would have thrown the photos and stuff in the dumpster when I was walking back to the car.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I realise how dumb setting goals sounds... I laughed at it too.
But it can help. Feeling like a lost soul and your life got ripped out from under you, things did not go the way you planned. Now what?

Well, you build a new life. I'm an avid hiker. I really like the concept of building cairns. See them a lot where I hike. And people repsect them. You go by, you find a rock and you add yours to the pile. Proof you were there, you did the trail.

But still, somedays I'm the tiger, somedays I'm the crying melting mess in the corner of the kitchen  But I'm still ME. All my faults intact. It's wonderful to be breathing, at least.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Hey not at all deejov! setting goals provides direction, especially when things seem skeptical inside. I just finished a book "how to keep your marriage debt free" that my mom sent me and it has alot of good ideas beyond budgeting that serves my goal to get the hell out of debt. Its going to take a while, but having lived with that strapped to my back for twenty years is a killer, and its time to be a steward of what income I am afforded.

The ex wasnt there yesterday when I picked the kid up. Her mom was, I still get along with the ex's mom, and always see a concerned look on her face for me. Shes a nice woman, just prone to money issues, hence having had to live with us so many years. But I'd always open my door to family, as good things come back to you when you help others.

This morning I dropped the kiddo off at her moms, where she will remain until next weekend. Part of me likes the freedom from responsibility, but the other part of me feels pretty awful if I focus on it, how this little girls life was disrupted, and wondering if it seems at all secure to her. Hard to read kids sometimes. We had a good week together. 

I talked to a long time friend of mine last night. A female. ooooOOOOOOOOooooooo....
Shes a nice girl that Ive always enjoyed the company of. 
No plans or expectations, and not even set up as a date or anything, just a catching up visit.
But its going to be nice sitting in the company of a woman.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Enjoy enjoy!!
We aren't all evil, some of us still have some heart left


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

deejov said:


> I realise how dumb setting goals sounds... I laughed at it too.
> But it can help. Feeling like a lost soul and your life got ripped out from under you, things did not go the way you planned. Now what?
> 
> Well, you build a new life. I'm an avid hiker. I really like the concept of building cairns. See them a lot where I hike. And people repsect them. You go by, you find a rock and you add yours to the pile. Proof you were there, you did the trail.
> ...


It's the honesty of emotionally and spiritually strong men on this forum that keeps me going. Reassurance that what I work towards as an individual is valued by the people I admire. 

My therapist asked me why I valued male friends so much, thinking it was some kind of need for attention or having a backup to a relationship (my boyfriend had a double brain hemorrhage and who knows if he will fully recuperate or even if he will be accessible to me when he moves to the next level of facility in his rehabilitation...it's a very tenuous situation...can't look to the past to base the future on, and the future, who knows...?) I told her it was more of a reaction to how my brothers and then my relationships/marriages treated me. I like to have firsthand proof that not all men are like that. 

When I was in Kindergarten and even grade school I had close male friends who were extremely kind to me and my female friends. We always communicated well and looked out for each other. It is worth managing the obvious boundaries to maintain these friendships.

I have one male friend who, in order to alleviate my anxiety at being prevented somehow from seeing my guy by his sister who has guardianship, agreed to be my messenger so that my guy will know what the situation is. That was my biggest source of anxiety. Having his sister feed him some BS about why I wasn't visiting, or visiting often. He might be moved across the state. I hope not. It really wouldn't be in his best interest, but my attorney friend who just retired as a judge and an acquaintance who is a police officer (not my landlord, a different guy) told me that his guardian is going to call the shots and I will have no control over that. I can only control how I handle it.

As for goals, I am on the path to becoming a spiritual writer. Gaining fluency in Spanish. Working very hard at becoming a spectacular dancer. Pursuing spiritual enlightenment...making sure that I have people in my life who are on that path (it's everything, the central meaning to my life, I was on this path when I met my guy...) Paying down debt, having meaningful employment, spending time with my children and friends, connecting with nature, taking care of myself and my health. Following a path of intuition vs. brute force or making decisions out of anxiety and fear, learning how to be present in the moment, letting go of ego. Paying attention to my feelings. Not being too attached to the future. (This is very difficult because of the situation with my guy...) Cutting myself some slack but not allowing myself too many excuses... Still, adjusting to my mental limitations from the oxygen deprivation I had two years ago. Accepting happiness when it happens, and not being too attached to getting it. Letting my life be messy when it needs to be!

Unfortunately, except for the finances and the meaningful work, my goals are more pursuits that drive the energy of my life, rather than concrete things. I'm going to take bicycle trip leading training, I've been wanting to do that for years, and it suddenly happened through an AMC group, out of the blue. It's always nice when the universe delivers something that you want. 

But mostly, I'm very relieved that there are members of the opposite sex who choose to be vulnerable and comfortable with it rather than hiding it under power and control, or masking it with isolation or stuff like extreme sports addiction or alcohol. I'm getting better at discernment and as a result my environment in which I live has a much better quality. I don't feel as though whatever happens with my guy, that I will fall off the edge. 

One thing I do need to do is to work on my female friendships. Yesterday I had a feeling to call a woman I knew in graduate school and have kept in touch with over the years. She and I are on the same page spiritually, although I think she is very Catholic and incredibly involved in her children's sports and such, whereas I am Quaker and tend to be more laid back, I hang on the fringes of my children's activities and volunteer only where I'm truly interested, and act as more of an advocate and facilitator for their needs and interests. So I guess that could be a goal...working on female friendships. I do have several female friends. But it would be nice to have a best friend in terms of more day to day.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I agree with you, Homemaker. I feel like I've 'met' some wonderful guys here on TAM. Never would I have thought that I'd be at this point in my recovery from my relationship with ex at this point. My therapist is a female, I have only female friends. The only guys I talk to about this are my brother and dad. My dad is getting a better relationship with my brother and I after leaving our mom years ago. Things were really tough for the 3 of us, and his abandonment really made me mistrusting of men in general, as I was much closer to him than to my rather disordered mom. 
Yet, even after this devastating abandonment by ex, I don't feel that same mistrust of 'MEN.' That's a real surprise to me. I can see from the wonderful guys here on TAM that there is (hopefully) someone out there for me who won't be abusive like my ex. It's relatively easy to see my ex as one guy with a lot of problems instead of an example of what all guys are like.

So, thank you Men of TAM! (Oooh, that sounds like it could be a calendar or something! What do you think, ladies? I'd buy one!)


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> So, thank you Men of TAM! (Oooh, that sounds like it could be a calendar or something! What do you think, ladies? I'd buy one!)


Well. We all did our 180. We all lost about half our body weight and we all have that sexy 1000 yard stare.

Just a pity i have a rough head. [as we say in aus]


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