# Had a pretalk



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

Ok so there is already background out there but wife had graphic EA 2 years ago, tried to work things out but in the end I just try to deal. Her dad died this past year which made it hard to bring up things.

Anyway I sent her an email then we talked tonight. Went over how I still feel and our pre EA issues are still there. I know she is crushed and feels alone (she has issues being negative and bitter so she pushes people away). We didnt talk divorce, though it's where I think I am. She said all the same things as after the EA and it felt like it was. 

My question is has anyone gone through this? It was weird for be because talking about how I felt and the EA again and hearing her again so crushed I just felt nothing. I was devestated after the EA but I felt bad hurting her but I was not upset. I probably sounded like I was talking about the weather and feel really bad


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She had the EA, so how did you hurt here? Sounds like he very much hurt you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

U have a point. I was saying I hurt her by telling her how I felt. I didnt do anything it hurt her to hear what she did. Still hard cause I do care about her as a person and the mother of my kids but lost that special something long ago. Even harder knowing that she is alone without me but I am alone when I am with her.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you tried together tslking with a neutral 3rd party about the EA and your feelings ? Perhaps finally putting it all on the table could be cathartic and let you move on and truly R?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2yearsince (Sep 20, 2011)

She didnt want to before and I was too ashamed and thought I could get through with time. I am going to talk, I want someone who will return what I give but it has always been give in our relationship. Right now she is saying all the things someone wants to hear but after 17 years of repeats it just gets old and hollow. I know she means it but I doubt she will change. I really dont know I could do it with her but I will do it. I want to be able to say I have no feelings and all the things that I know would kill her to hear to get real feedback. If she was there I could not be that open. Honestly I wanted our talk to go poorly but when she thinks I will leave she breaks down if I dont get to that point she is the same old. A poor reaction makes it easier to move forward. Being good makes me feel like I am the one giving up though I know that is not the case. I tried for 17 years. I am 37 and dont want to go another 5 years then realize it when it will be even harder. Our kids are out of the house in 5 years and I just cant picture us as the old couple hold hands. I'd be in the basement and she'd be upstairs. I dont want that.


----------

