# Nice guy needs your help ladies



## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

Hi everyone, I am a 30 year old guy from London and I have come on here from some honest opinions on my relationship. Now this is quite a long thread but I promise it is very interesting and will be the cause for conversation with your friends and family, especially if you live with your partner. I am especially interested in opinions and general feedback from women. I'll get started now, I moved to Bristol with my now ex partner of 9 years 4 years ago. I left my friends and family behind to buy a more affordable house with her to bring up our first child together, she has family in Bristol BTW. Shortly after we moved in to our new home in Bristol that I had to have a major operation on my leg, please note this, I was signed of work for 5 months, she was 6/7 months pregnant at that time. I feel that in a relationship both sides are equal and everything should be discussed first, I raised the topic who will work and who will stay at home with the baby. Now I always knew it would be me working and that was always my preference, she left her job when we moved and I had a god job I transferred and was receiving sick pay from to pay all of our new bills and mortgage.

When I asked her how she felt about going back to work and me being an at home Dad she responded by saying “it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bill”, I was shocked because I was expecting something like 'I would prefer to stay at home with our baby' or 'I think a baby should be with the mother as long as possible' or something else along those lines which I totally agree with. The whole conversation was supposed to be a formality that simply allowed us both an equal chance to say how we feel. I already had a job so was fully expecting her to say I want a break for a few years, fine with me. Her response of “it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bills”, was a kick in teeth for me , at the time I put it down to hormones, she was 6/7months pregnant. Her comment hurt me but I ignored it until the after our baby boy was born. After our baby boy was born I sat her down and told her that I could not get what she said out of my head and that I needed her to take it back. She got angry and said “no, it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bills, that's my opinion and I'm not taking it back”, I then asked what would happen if I was unable to work?. I just had a risky operation that kept me off work for 5 months, what if that went wrong and I was in a wheelchair, would you not take over my role as breadwinner and look after me and the baby? I really wanted to her say something like I would have said to that question, for example 'of course I would babes, I would do whatever I had to, I love you'. 

Unfortunately for me and our son she responded with “I'm not paying your credit card bills, I'm not paying your loans, I'm not paying your mobile phone bill and I'm not paying for that new car you just brought yourself”. I felt sick hearing this, at that point in time I was clearing her credit card and overdraft debts from our single lives in London, I was also paying her current mobile phone bill. I pointed that out to her but she still refused to change her view saying “it's my opinion, I think it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bills”. I lost a large amount of trust and respect for her that day, so much so that I refused to pay off any more of her debts until she took her hurtful comments back. I still loved her very much but love is IMHO the last thing to go in a relationship, trust and or respect go first. Now it has been four years since she made that comment, she has not worked a single second since we moved to Bristol and I have taken care of 100% of all bills including those debts which I previously said I would not pay. 

She still refuses to take back her comments and still says she would not pay my debts if the worst happened. Ladies, please correct me if I am wrong, I read what she said as her saying, be careful crossing the road, don't have any more big accidents playing football and try not to lose your job in a failing economy, I'm not filling your shoes as breadwinner if you can't work. That is how I see what she said, that is not a healthy relationship to me, a proper relationship is two people that have each others back regardless what life throws their way. I actually moved into commission based sales 5 months after having our son so I could earn double the money. Commission based sales means high earnings but no sick pay, you don't work you don't earn. I took this job because of that earning potential, I saved every penny and I was right to do this because I did have an accident playing football. I did not worry about this though, I saved hard and I knew I could rely on myself and my savings whilst recovering from my op. Laying on that hospital bed, it really hit home how unhappy I was with her and our relationship. Knowing I could not rely or trust her if something really awful happened to me felt awful, and lonely. Being lonely in a relationship is worst than being lonely alone.

I left her 9 months ago, I lost love and respect for her every time I got my pay check and paid her half of the mortgage, council tax, food and absolutely everything else. She refused to work on weekdays leaving only the weekends which were my two days off from giving her the life she had, that did not matter to her. I even gave up waiting for her to take back her comments and started paying off her debts as she was adding to her credit cards behind my back. I could not help thinking, I'm a fool, she would not do any of this for me and her refusal to take back her comments made it much worse. Before I broke it off I want to admit that I was a pretty horrible person to her, I had little or no respect left for so I would ignore her and only speak to her if I had something negative to say. I know I should have just left her earlier instead of being nasty or mentally abusive but I did not want to leave my son, he means the world to me. I see now that we were doomed the moment she made that comment, over 4 years she continually refused to take it back despite knowing how it made me feel. I simply have to be with someone I can trust and rely in any situation life has to offer for me to be kind and loving towards them. What is really warped is that she would constantly go on about getting married, I respect myself too much to lie to my whole family and the church. The woman I marry will have to earn my trust, respect and love before I would even consider something like marriage.

I would like some honest opinions now please, she blames me for the break up because I was horrible to her which I admit and have apologised to her and her parents about. She still refuses to apologise or care that her comments hurt me and planted a seed of doubt that grew beyond control. I know pointing the finger will not solve anything but until she realises her mistakes I can't have a decent friendship with her for the sake of my son. She honestly thinks she was the perfect girlfriend and did nothing wrong at all, what do you think? 

Before you answer, get this, despite the fact that we have be separated 9 months ago and she feels it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man’s bills, she still sends her credit card statement to my address for me to pay, the bill is in her name, it's her debt, we separated 9 months ago. Now I did agree to do this for her, but it's only up until our house sells, I'm taking back what I've paid from her cut of the house sale. Still, “it's disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bill's” but it's OK for a woman to send a man they are no loner with their credit card bill I am sure any decent self respecting person will see my point here.

Now, some of my friends say it's my fault, I spoiled her and let her have it too easy. I don't buy that crap, I was simply doing what millions of Dads do every day, I never asked for a medal, I wanted to be the great partner, provider, Dad and one day husband my useless Dad was not. She spoiled that with her comment and attitude, that will not stop me from doing the same for the next lady I fall in love with though. I just need her to see the error she made so we can move on for our child's sake, please take the time to share your view. 

This is kinda like therapy for me to, unbiased views are the only thing that will help us and her see that we both made mistakes, I apologised for mine. She still to this day blames it all on me, I need your time to help her see that her comments were like the iceberg to the Titanic, I will show her this thread one day.

Thanks for taking time, niceguy123.


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## amanda1959 (Mar 29, 2010)

Well first off I am sorry that the marraige has ended. Unfortunately for your son his parents are no longer togetther for him and this is not always ideal.
Money is I believe the number one reason for divorce. I am surprised that you didn't attempt counselling to view your pain over her comment of paying a mans bills. This belief is usually deep rooted in a womans upbringing. Her mother probably would have said the same to her father. It is a learnt belief. She was taught that the man was the provider and especially when she was in child bearing years. She probably felt that you were not the provider she needed and in her providing for you was not what she was taught. This thought pattern and how it effected you could have been discussed in therapy. Seems sad to me that you threw in the towel so fast over money.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Screw that. Sorry. but seriously, her way of thinking is not respectable or understandable. especially not in todays world.

I think that it's wonderful that you did all you did for her to begin with. It is admirable when either spouse decides to let the other stay home and raise the children and bare the load of bills and stress involved with that. To not appreciate that guesture..it doesn't even register to me.

Consider this comparison, my husband should we ever have children expects me to "breast feed (because its "right"), work full time, take care of the house, manage the banking and bills, work a GOOD paying job making more than him mind you, pay back his debts, make dinner, all the stuff I'd do as a single mom. While he sits around smoking weed and works whatever job he happens to have at the time.

Was he just raised that way too? I've met his parents, and I think not.

Her behavior is just as unacceptable as if it was a guy doing it in a reverse situation. because in the reverse, we'd all tell her she deserves better and she did the right thing, we'd also tell her to stop paying off his credit debts.

I understand your resentment, and I understand your need to leave, it is sad that your son is caught in the middle of this, but at least you have the ability to see that it was not just her, but your resentment towards her feelings and the way you acted on them that caused the end. a lot people (Im not excluding myself here by any means) only see the others wrong doings.


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## Country Apple (Nov 7, 2010)

I supported my husband for the first year and half of our marriage while he had health problems and couldn't find a job. It was not easy. I had three jobs but some how managed to pay all the bills and his debts. Now I am working full time while my husband is going to school. My husband has never had to ask me to work full time. I volunteered to work so that he can better himself. 

During a marriage there are good and bad times. There are times when my husband will need my support and I will be there for him. You needed your wife to help support the family and she refused. I think you have every right to be upset about that. It is no wonder you lost love for her.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

What you need to realize here is that she was not as invested in the relationship as you were. Her inability to accept that in real love, she would take over your role as breadwinner if something happened to you, was very selfish, and quite possibly, kept her from loving you completely. 

Right now, my boyfriend is the only income in our relationship. If something happened and he could no longer work, or couldn't make enough to support us, I would gladly go back to work. I am not with him for his ability to provide, although that is a nice benefit. I am with him because I love him, and that love means more to me than having someone provide for me. Now, if he wasn't working because of something stupid that he did, such as drugs or he just quit because he wanted to be lazy and not work, that would be different. Then I would not be so understanding and quick to provide for him. 

It's sad that your son has to be caught up in the middle of this, but honestly, if she's unable to get past her idea that it's disgusting to provide for your partner, then your son is probably going to be better off with you two apart. It would not do him any good to be living in a home where Mom and Dad fight all the time. 

You will probably never get her to see that she is wrong. You tried unsuccessfully for four years to get her to see that, and she didn't. The best thing to do now is to just accept that although you disagree with it, this is her view and there's nothing you can do to change it. She'll teach her son her view, you teach him yours and hope that he sees that yours is the best way to go.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

niceguy123 said:


> Now, some of my friends say it's my fault, I spoiled her and let her have it too easy. I don't buy that crap, I was simply doing what millions of Dads do every day, I never asked for a medal, I wanted to be the great partner, provider, Dad and one day husband my useless Dad was not. She spoiled that with her comment and attitude, that will not stop me from doing the same for the next lady I fall in love with though.


well, i think you have some good friends. i dont think this is all your fault, but you're no victim. you have daddy issues and you picked a partner that magnified those issues. You spoiled her and tried to be everything your dad never was, and in the mean time the reality of your relationship eluted you. 

Have you ever been day-dreaming while driving and all of a sudden you realize the car in front of you is at a dead stop? that's what this situation reminds me of. she said she finds it disgusting to financially support you. You were with a women for four years and it never occurred to you that she felt this strongly about your financial role in the relationship. those are some strong feelings and it's very telling of your mental state that you were so clueless about it. did you know her at all? i think only something this drastic could have taken you out of your fantasy. Part of the problem is you'd been living in your fantasy of being the hero dad that you didnt even notice until it blew up in your face. be careful labeling yourself a nice guy. your motive was revenge towards your dad. supporting her was your way of proving to yourself that your dad really was a jerk. that doesnt make you nice. that makes you messed up like everyone else.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> You will probably never get her to see that she is wrong. You tried unsuccessfully for four years to get her to see that, and she didn't.


No you didn't. You did not try anything to make her understand. You just wanted her to see it your way. Trying would have meant doing something, like counseling or mediation, or even asking a family member or friend to moderate. But I understand why you didn't, and I agree with your point of view. You needed to know she valued you like you valued her. You needed to know you could depend on her in times of need, but she failed to let you know what you meant to her. And by not making you feel valued, she actually made you feel you meant little or nothing to her. 

The sad thing is that really is the way she was raised but was unable to distinguish the difference. After having been brought up to understand phrases like "the man pays the bills" and "you don't take care of a man" and "you don't allow men to use you" and such as those (the types of things a lot of women are told as young girls), she did not realize it didn't apply to her husband who may one day need her to step up. I realize you weren't married, but that possibly had a lot to do with it. I wish you had asked her if she would step up if you WERE married. That would be the ultimate and most telling answer because I can understand she would not be willing to change her mind being unmarried.

I am the same way and was taught the same as your wife. I have to say I would never do it for a boyfriend but certainly would do it for a boyfriend if he were someone like yourself and assumed the role of husband during our relationship in the capacity and to the extent that you did for her. However, I would not take care of a man like a previous poster mentioned supporting her husband through school. He may want to feel valued, but I don't value anyone more than myself. Most people work and go to school and so can he. That is partly due to my upbringing and partly due to being accustomed to hearing about men leaving after he finishes school and establishes his career. No way would I set myself up to be used and later have to live with that kind of regret. But I certainly would take care of a husband who suddenly became disabled after proving himself willing and able, and I would do it for a boyfriend like you for the same reasons. After showing her how much you valued her, you deserved to know you were equally valued. She should have given the issue more thought or talked with someone.

You stated, "_The woman I marry will have to earn my trust, respect and love_" but I hope you will handle your future relationships differently. You picked this fight with your girlfriend, not once but twice and possibly more. You kept trying to convince us of your true intentions and that you always expected to be the one who worked outside the home. But I am not convinced. You either picked this fight because you wanted the option of being a house husband, or you picked this fight to test your girlfriend to see what she would say. Her answer destroyed you from the inside out and your relationship too. I hope you will not do this with the next girl. You didn't realize (I assume) the psychological background factors that went into her answer. You just wanted to hear the words, or perhaps you had other motive, I don't know. But you really shouldn't take appearances at face value. Everyone you meet will have something from their past (either former relationships or their upbringing) that served to shape their opinions and ideals and also contributed to their instincts and habits. People (hopefully) learn their lessons in life from the mistakes they made, or they become jaded by them. The truth is, you will likely be the one who has to prove himself because any self-respecting woman will and should be hesitant to place all of her faith and trust in you. Try to dig a little deeper next time because it is not probable your ex girlfriend would have left you hungry and homeless if something happened to you, especially after you showed her so well that she could depend on you, and especially if she were married to you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think Blanca has a good point, although I would have worded it differently. You chose her, so for some reason, that was what you needed at that time in your life, even though you *thought* it was about loving her--it was really about something you *needed* to do. Please try not to take it the wrong way; this isn't meant as a criticism, but as an illumination. 

Now you realize that you believe both people in a relationship should be financially responsible adults. That's good--maybe you can begin to see that taking over the bills from another person is NOT a good way to build a partnership. You won't make that mistake again. And, if you can begin to see the past relationship as being a learning experience, one that helps you see how your past has shaped you (and hers shaped her, obviously), you might stop feeling so "hurt" and quit blaming her for being exactly what she IS--still trapped in her own past, something you can't do anything about if she doesn't want to. Rather than blame her, you can perhaps find compassion (if you expect she'll change one day) or pity (if you think she won't), and be able to build a relationship that puts your son as a higher priority than your "hurt" over her comment. You don't have to respect or even like her to do that, but you do have to stop blaming her so vehemently, you have to be willing to let go of your expectation that the world will validate your feelings. All that matters is becoming a good dad and continuing your personal growth, and you are in a good place for that. 

My initial reaction to her statement is, by the way, my own disgust (of a woman who wants a man to pay her way). But I step back from that and try to realize that such a person is really just immature and pretty ignorant, in so many ways, and is probably in for a rude awakening some day, which will be difficult but may be the impetus she needs to grow.

And, of course, next time, don't have a baby with someone you haven't worked through such basic questions with. Had you had the conversation about "what would we do if you become pregnant" BEFORE she became pregnant, then you would not have found out something like this when already permanently and forever tied to her (through your child).


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## Anne III (Nov 22, 2010)

The problem with her comment is that it makes it your job to support her and absolves her of gratitude. She stuck to phrasing it like that out of a sense of entitlement and defence. You kept bringing it up expecting the cycle to end for some reason. Sounds like it really did eat away at your relationship and maybe this was just the perpetual battle point where underlying issues were hidden. Definitely more discussion BEFORE marriage would have been advisable here.

My fiance is the main breadwinner while I finish school, but if necessary I would take whatever work I could to get us through tough times. It would take a toll on our quality of life but those times can bring you closer together (I believe).


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## eagleclaw (Sep 20, 2010)

At the end of the day, it' wasn't your job to make her reasonable, or a contributor to your partnership. She was lacking the basic fundamentals to have a viable partnership with anyone. Her attitude and core beliefs were tainted and nothing you could do or say were going to change that. 

All you could do with that is have some of your own screwey caveman beliefs to offset hers. Maybe drag her back to your cave whenever you felt like it to have your way with her. I'm being facetious but it would be the only way to make her SEE your point. But you would never have converted her point of view. Someone like that - is damaged - beyond repair and you would never feel she had your back, because she wouldn't.


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## RJHT (Nov 18, 2010)

You will never feel the respect from her.....time will allow you to move on and her. Right now she is feeling bitter, because now she will have to take care of herself. STOP paying her bills for her and if you want to be a better DAD then yours then you raise your son. Hell you were already doing the sole providing anyway.


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

amanda1959 said:


> Well first off I am sorry that the marraige has ended. Unfortunately for your son his parents are no longer togetther for him and this is not always ideal.
> Money is I believe the number one reason for divorce. I am surprised that you didn't attempt counselling to view your pain over her comment of paying a mans bills. This belief is usually deep rooted in a womans upbringing. Her mother probably would have said the same to her father. It is a learnt belief. She was taught that the man was the provider and especially when she was in child bearing years. She probably felt that you were not the provider she needed and in her providing for you was not what she was taught. This thought pattern and how it effected you could have been discussed in therapy. Seems sad to me that you threw in the towel so fast over money.


After speaking with her mother last week you are 100% correct, I see where she get her views and bad habits from.

We split up for a couple of months then I tried my best to work it out by apologising (as stated in my OP) and suggesting that she comes back home and we try therapy together. She came back for a 10 days but it was a nightmare, she was not prepared to make any effort as she thought and still thinks she is the perfect partner. Therapy never happened because of this , I did try my very best with her and could not of let my son go unless I did try my best. I can sleep better knowing I did that.


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> Screw that. Sorry. but seriously, her way of thinking is not respectable or understandable. especially not in todays world.
> 
> I think that it's wonderful that you did all you did for her to begin with. It is admirable when either spouse decides to let the other stay home and raise the children and bare the load of bills and stress involved with that. To not appreciate that guesture..it doesn't even register to me.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

Country Apple said:


> I supported my husband for the first year and half of our marriage while he had health problems and couldn't find a job. It was not easy. I had three jobs but some how managed to pay all the bills and his debts. Now I am working full time while my husband is going to school. My husband has never had to ask me to work full time. I volunteered to work so that he can better himself.
> 
> During a marriage there are good and bad times. There are times when my husband will need my support and I will be there for him. You needed your wife to help support the family and she refused. I think you have every right to be upset about that. It is no wonder you lost love for her.


:iagree:


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> What you need to realize here is that she was not as invested in the relationship as you were. Her inability to accept that in real love, she would take over your role as breadwinner if something happened to you, was very selfish, and quite possibly, kept her from loving you completely.
> 
> Right now, my boyfriend is the only income in our relationship. If something happened and he could no longer work, or couldn't make enough to support us, I would gladly go back to work. I am not with him for his ability to provide, although that is a nice benefit. I am with him because I love him, and that love means more to me than having someone provide for me. Now, if he wasn't working because of something stupid that he did, such as drugs or he just quit because he wanted to be lazy and not work, that would be different. Then I would not be so understanding and quick to provide for him.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Spoke to her last week face to face and she still thinks it is disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bill's. This was the day after she got angry when I told her I was not helping with her credit card bill any more.:scratchhead:


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

Blanca said:


> well, i think you have some good friends. i dont think this is all your fault, but you're no victim. you have daddy issues and you picked a partner that magnified those issues. You spoiled her and tried to be everything your dad never was, and in the mean time the reality of your relationship eluted you.
> 
> Have you ever been day-dreaming while driving and all of a sudden you realize the car in front of you is at a dead stop? that's what this situation reminds me of. she said she finds it disgusting to financially support you. You were with a women for four years and it never occurred to you that she felt this strongly about your financial role in the relationship. those are some strong feelings and it's very telling of your mental state that you were so clueless about it. did you know her at all? i think only something this drastic could have taken you out of your fantasy. Part of the problem is you'd been living in your fantasy of being the hero dad that you didnt even notice until it blew up in your face. be careful labeling yourself a nice guy. your motive was revenge towards your dad. supporting her was your way of proving to yourself that your dad really was a jerk. that doesnt make you nice. that makes you messed up like everyone else.


Can't say I agree with you on most of what you say here, Daddy issues? noway, I just think a man should step up if he gets a lady pregnant. I have always loved kids and I just wanted like every other parent out there to give my boy what I never had growing up. My mother did a fantastic job raising 5 of us and I don't wish my dad was more in my life back then as I was quite young when he left. You don't miss want you never had, you got me all wrong on that. 

I don't think anyone could honestly say that I am portraying myself as a victim after reading my OP, note the part where I openly admit to mentally abusing her. I am no angel pal.

I do agree about my mental state though, what normal human being would have just leave for one comment after committing 5 good years and becoming a parent for the first time. I made the mistake most people with red blood running through their hearts would have made in the same situation, put it to the back of your mind and wait for them to see their error. Yeah, your right, that blew up in my face when I was on that hospital bed as stated in my OP. That was in Jan, by March the house was up and the end was round the corner, I had enough of lying to myself so I could be close to my son, I was so unhappy. I did say this in my OP though.

BTW, I am a nice guy and I am not a vengeful person, I will however disrespect someone that disrespects me. You give respect to earn respect, that is what my mother taught me and it has taken me far in life. I just like people to treat me with the same respect I show them otherwise I do have an unfriendly side. I was born and raised in London and you don't last long in London if you have people walk all over you all the time. (women not included, we all have our kryptonite, mine is pretty women:slap

As far as doing things in my relationship to prove my dad is not only a jerk but also a now regretful loser is not something a man of my intellect would need to do. Yeah I'm not perfect and yes I have made mistakes, and will continue to make mistakes on this road we call life but I really don't need to do anything to prove that a man that walks out on his four kids is not worthy of being called a man full stop. That is my opinion, I have good morals but, remember, we are all human, we are all as you say messed up to a certain degree and nothing will ever change that. Thanks for taking the time :smthumbup:


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

River1977 said:


> No you didn't. You did not try anything to make her understand. You just wanted her to see it your way. Trying would have meant doing something, like counseling or mediation, or even asking a family member or friend to moderate. But I understand why you didn't, and I agree with your point of view. You needed to know she valued you like you valued her. You needed to know you could depend on her in times of need, but she failed to let you know what you meant to her. And by not making you feel valued, she actually made you feel you meant little or nothing to her.


:iagree: and that is why I did try all of the above without any joy. I simply gave you the main points in my OP or you would have been reading a novel


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> I think Blanca has a good point, although I would have worded it differently. You chose her, so for some reason, that was what you needed at that time in your life, even though you *thought* it was about loving her--it was really about something you *needed* to do. Please try not to take it the wrong way; this isn't meant as a criticism, but as an illumination.
> 
> Now you realize that you believe both people in a relationship should be financially responsible adults. That's good--maybe you can begin to see that taking over the bills from another person is NOT a good way to build a partnership. You won't make that mistake again. And, if you can begin to see the past relationship as being a learning experience, one that helps you see how your past has shaped you (and hers shaped her, obviously), you might stop feeling so "hurt" and quit blaming her for being exactly what she IS--still trapped in her own past, something you can't do anything about if she doesn't want to. Rather than blame her, you can perhaps find compassion (if you expect she'll change one day) or pity (if you think she won't), and be able to build a relationship that puts your son as a higher priority than your "hurt" over her comment. You don't have to respect or even like her to do that, but you do have to stop blaming her so vehemently, you have to be willing to let go of your expectation that the world will validate your feelings. All that matters is becoming a good dad and continuing your personal growth, and you are in a good place for that.
> 
> ...


:iagree: thanks for taking the time.


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

eagleclaw said:


> At the end of the day, it' wasn't your job to make her reasonable, or a contributor to your partnership. She was lacking the basic fundamentals to have a viable partnership with anyone. Her attitude and core beliefs were tainted and nothing you could do or say were going to change that.
> 
> All you could do with that is have some of your own screwey caveman beliefs to offset hers. Maybe drag her back to your cave whenever you felt like it to have your way with her. I'm being facetious but it would be the only way to make her SEE your point. But you would never have converted her point of view. Someone like that - is damaged - beyond repair and you would never feel she had your back, because she wouldn't.


:smthumbup:


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

Anne III said:


> The problem with her comment is that it makes it your job to support her and absolves her of gratitude. She stuck to phrasing it like that out of a sense of entitlement and defence. You kept bringing it up expecting the cycle to end for some reason. Sounds like it really did eat away at your relationship and maybe this was just the perpetual battle point where underlying issues were hidden. Definitely more discussion BEFORE marriage would have been advisable here.
> 
> My fiance is the main breadwinner while I finish school, but if necessary I would take whatever work I could to get us through tough times. It would take a toll on our quality of life but those times can bring you closer together (I believe).


:iagree: that comment really did eat away inside until I became a nasty character from Jan this year (after I had the last operation as stated in my OP).


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## niceguy123 (Nov 21, 2010)

RJHT said:


> You will never feel the respect from her.....time will allow you to move on and her. Right now she is feeling bitter, because now she will have to take care of herself. STOP paying her bills for her and if you want to be a better DAD then yours then you raise your son. Hell you were already doing the sole providing anyway.


:smthumbup:


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

niceguy123 said:


> :iagree: Spoke to her last week face to face and she still thinks it is disgusting for a woman to pay a man's bill's. This was the day after she got angry when I told her I was not helping with her credit card bill any more.:scratchhead:


In the lyrics of Celo Green

Oh yes, she's a gold digger. Just thought you should know, <--- insert racial epithet that black people can use but whites cannot. His lyrics, not mine.


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

For what it's worth, you made the right decision by not marrying her and you should stick to it. If the only reason you're making an effort is so your son can be with both of you, I wouldn't bother.

Your son will appreciate it in the end. It's best not to be in a troubled relationship whilst your son grows up as he is likely to suffer more each time he hears you two arguing, and children are really quite sensitive to these things.

What you *are* wrong in doing, and I hope you don't mind my saying so, is _insisting_ that she change her mind about her point of view. It's her point of view and she is, quite obviously, *not *going to change her mind. It's interesting how she refuses to lie to you about the issue despite your insistance, and despite it leading to separation and cutting off of financial support - at least she's stayed true to herself, despite the fact that she's dreadfully selfish and unsupportive. 

Frankly, I think you're much better off without her. :smthumbup:

I'm not even sure it's an old fashioned point of view. Of course back in the days it was taken for granted that the husband should be the bread winner, however, it was also a '_wife's_' duty to look after her man should he fall ill or loose his job. After all, she was looked after and pampered so why shouldn't he be?

Both my husband and I work, and it is my choice to do so. I know and feel comfortable with the fact that I can look after myself and my finances even though earlier on in our relationship my husband did cover some of my expenses... I have since done the same. Should my husband ever be in the unfortunate position of loosing his job, of course I would look after him. What respectable woman in love wouldn't! I would do the same for anyone else I love, whether it be my parents, siblings etc. I would feel absolutely awful standing by knowing that not only did he loose his job, become ill etc, but I'm also going to walk out on him because he can no longer support me. Nowadays if you loose your job, it's more than likely going to take you some time to find another one, just because this recession is so global, and what you really want and need is for someone to be there for you regardless of what is likely or not likely to happen. You're quite right in wanting someone to be there and watch your back... who wouldn't want that? What guy would stay with your partner knowing that he would never be supported should he loose his job??? No man in their right mind and that's for sure.

Enjoy your freedom. Be happy with yourself that you can look after your son in the best way possible, and you can still do that even if you're no longer together. That was a lucky escape for you. Find yourself someone who _truly _loves you and respects you.

You're cure is:
STOP SPOILING HER! STOP PAYING HER BILLS! STOP GIVING IN TO HER EVERY WHIM! Why are you *still *paying her bills? She's no longer looking after you... give it up. She doesn't deserve it. Paying for her bills prior to your knowing what you do is fine, but still carrying on after you found out just makes it your fault I'm afraid.

"Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."


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## MissMoneypenny (Nov 22, 2010)

P.S. If you feel like giving away money regardless, let me know and I'll send you my bank details


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

niceguy123 said:


> :iagree: that comment really did eat away inside until I became a nasty character from Jan this year (after I had the last operation as stated in my OP).


You asked and I going to call it how I see it. I am concerned that your future relationships will be effected by what I see as problems in the way you handled this conflict with your gf. As I see it, she made a stupid insulting statement and you backed her into a corner by demanding that she take it back. You both sound like two year olds. Who takes things back, adults discuss issues and try to understand each other. You both never bothered to find out why the conflict in ideas about money arose. You made the mistake of ramping things up way out of proportion and then not dealing with the issue by communication and consistent action. For some reason you got involved with some one with incompatible ideas on money and you handled it badly. 

She has her problems but she did not ask so I am just commented from your end. Getting confirmation that you were right and she was wrong is actually not good for you at this point. A critical evaluation of what went wrong and what your role in the demise of the relationship would be more helpful for you at this point. You may want a slap on the back to feel you are a good fellow and had no role in your failed relationship but, that is because you are hurting now. When you resolve the hurt then I hope you will take time to look at you and not point the finger at your gf. This business whet way to far for two adults and no effort was made to resolve, according to you story. Money matters are common differences in a relationship and it something to talk and compromise on not make ultimatums. 

I hope you will think more critically about your role in a break up that should never have happened if the two of you were more mature. Your name says it all, you want so badly to feel like the nice guy in this mess but really you not so much nice as you are lacking in reflection about about issues beyond yourself. You will no doubt bring the errors you made in this relationship to future ones if you insist upon being the nice guy and she the wicked witch. Neither of you are what you seem to want to believe and I think you know it. Facing it is another thing. It does not matter how many people agree with you, I am certain you do not want to live your life according to majority opinion, but based on what you know to be best for you and for the people who depend on you. And yes your child and gf depend on you and will for many years to come. That"s the way I see it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

What do you mean by saying you walked away from your son? I hope you are making sure to affirm your legal rights and responsibilities so that he knows his dad as a loving part of his everyday life--calls when it is not "your day," 100% commitment in all ways, etc.


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