# My wife and My affinity for Lingerie and thongs



## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

First off... I'm a newbie here, hope this doesn't come off like some kind of Troll or **** post. It's not intended to be at all.

My wife and I have been married for just over 8 years now, together for 14. I'd say we have a pretty awesome relationship - we're best friends basically. We occasionally have a disagreement, but those are really rare. We are financially stable, we always got time for our kids and ourselves despite the hectic schedule. we go on a date atleast 2x/ a week, i.e. a breakfast before going to work or late fancy dinner without the kids. 

Either way.. let's talk about my matter at hand. I wish my wife would wear sexy lingerie a little more often. Maybe once in 3-4 months she will surprise me and she'll put on a tedy or a babydoll that I've picked up for her over the years but those times that she surprised mostly comes with an occasion OR If she ever wear Lingerie with no occasion or out of nothing, that is because of my request or I begged. I've been doing a lot of things for her like backrubs, massage, wash the dishes and I cook for her and the kids daily because I'm the better cook compared to her. Most of the time the subject is just never broached. The very rare times she surprises me, I always complimented her before during and after she noticed it also that the sex was more amazing! (I get so pump up)I also made sure to treat her very well after the sex like breakfast in bed, flowers when she wakes and more..

we are at our mid 30's, with 2 kids, we are not perfect physically but we are fit and are not overweight. So there's no body issues or self confidence probs. 

She knows I love lingerie - I'm a sucker for thongs, strings, lace and pair it up with stockings and heels then I'll be in heaven! I'm the type of guy that like to slowly remove the clothing while making love, or I like to have sex with semi naked, a little shirt on or undies on the knees or half of the bra off, skirt up, string pulled etc..

Of course I've mentioned my affinity for lingerie before and I've bought her countless items - I used to buy her some lingerie for every holiday, on top of any other gifts I'd get her. In recognition also, she's bought thongs and strings by herself in which she never/rarely did during our early stages together (includes dating years).
The times she wears Lingerie, are times when we are about to have sex, say we go on a date, she will wear something nice but will just wear regular undies, not the granny type but not thong or strings, then when we go back to our room or say hotel if we are on a vacation, she'll undress and wear the thongs/strings. I mean why not wear it along with the nice sexy dress? Sometimes also I tell her to wear Lingerie before we have sex, most of the time she oblige but there's a smirk on her face. Despite her being compliant most of the time, it would have been better and I will feel better if I need not to tell her or to beg.


I've told her that if one night we went out she wore a dress or skirt and gave me a surprise peek of stockings and a garter belt underneath, I'd probably lose it right on the spot. Still nothing. Another time we were at the mall and I whispered to her to go pick out some shoes that she thought might be appropriate for the bedroom - We had fun picking them out but she's worn them maybe two or three times in a year.
We have talked about this multiple times, I've even pointed out to her about her co-workers, my co workers wearing thong (in a candid way of course, I'm not turned on if it is not my wife) and her reply was that she's aware of it and that scrubs really matches well with thongs but she does not want her patients attention on her in which I totally agree. so it is not like she does not want to wear thongs coz she does, like when she exercise in our mini gym at our basement she wears thongs (not all the time) because she finds it comfortable along with the yoga pants-not that frequent and when she wears thongs she make sure that it is not visible to someone, say like jeans and strings. 
Like the other day, when we gave the kids a ride to school, she was wearing leggings but she put a skirt on top (IDK how to describe it specifically) then when I dropped her back at home, when she went out of the car, I playfully squeeze her butt then I noticed she was wearing a thong then I told her how sexy she was and I appreciate it then I told her that I was so turn on, but she just dismissed me and told me, she just had a work out and needed to take a bath (I could care less about her bathing) she also said we'll have sex later because we were running late, I pretended to took of while she went inside the house but I still went inside the house to catch her, she already changed undies and was ready to take a bath although we end up having a quickie, same situation occurred. Most of the time I get a reasoning, why wear it when it'll be removed anyways. 

We are still madly in love with each other, we make love almost everyday and sometimes 3x/day on good day. The times when she's the one asking sex, say she wants to have sex in the middle of the night or it'll be a second round, she'll just ran her hands all over my body, caress or kiss me etc.. then there's time that I'm dead tired but I never say no, NEVER but of course it'll take a little time to be awaken and the first thing I check is if she's wearing lingerie, I told her that if only she wears the lingerie then wakes me up, then she does not need to the work. there were also times she wanted to have sex on places that I've never thought conducive like on her clinic, I've ended up missing the cues, again why not wear thong then there's no need for cues and signal

I am hoping that women especially wives can tell me about their opinions on lingerie or thongs and how they feel about it and they're if they are wearing thongs that are clearly visible say white skirt and black thong? Does your husband prevent you or will tell you it's too obvious? for me, while it's a big turn on for guys to look at my wife, there's also a little conservative side in me that will tell her it's too much but it does not happen and my request for her to wear thongs happens mostly at nights, on a movie date, late night dinner at a fancy restaurants with rich guys, some oldies with younger wife or GF's that got far more revealing items than my request to my wife so for sure it'll be just normal for those guys and no high testosterone teens around or there's only few of them. 

I'm not hoping all the time, I'm just hoping she wears it more frequently especially when she knows that we'll end up having sex. 
Each Every sex or making love with my wife is special, my analogy is like receiving a gift, you know the thing/gift you'll receive will be special yet the giver will still wrap it with something nice. 
again my issue here is not about lack of sex, lack of desire or poor performance but the lack of visual creativity or visual seduction.

Believe me, this isn't a make it or break it type of issue. It would just be the sprinkles on top of an already ginormous, delicious, hot fudge sundae. I'm sure I missed a few points, but I think you all get the general idea. 

Any ideas, or am I just SOL?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
my wife very often wears sexy lingerie - and I very much appreciate it. (before you get jeleaus, she rarely wants sex).

She does find thongs uncomfortable. If thongs are not a special treat for you maybe you can talk to her about other sexy things she can wear.

Do you have something nice to wear for her? Silk robes or boxers etc?


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

While I appreciate that men are more visual when it comes to getting turned on, what you need to understand is that most of the really sexy looking underwear (especially thongs, strings, etc.) are really uncomfortable to wear under clothing. I've never had a problem with wearing a thong (or some other sexy underwear) to bed when sex is on the agenda, there's no way I could wander round all day in a thong. I tend to wear boy pants because they're really comfortable under any clothing - jeans, dresses, skirts, etc and they don't give you VPL when worn under leggings. Also - making your underwear visible (as in white skirt, black thong) can make you look and feel really tacky. We women are under pressure from the media to make sure our underwear isn't visible so making sure it is just makes us feel like we're making a huge fashion faux pas. What a woman wears is judged by other women all the time and if we commit these fashion or sartorial mistakes we usually end up with female "friends" and colleagues *****ing about us behind our backs. Would it not be acceptable for your wife to just wear this sexy stuff in the bedroom so that she can feel sexy in the bedroom but elegant when she's out and about?


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

You are doing it every day and complaining about lingerie? Give me a break.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Okguy said:


> You are doing it every day and complaining about lingerie? Give me a break.


No matter how good someone has it, there is always something more that can make it better!


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

My SO really doesn't like lingerie... he just wants my naked body!

Don't get me wrong, he certainly appreciates it when I wear it, but the first thing he does is remove it ENTIRELY from my body.

Personally, I hate lingerie during sex. It's usually itchy, scratchy, rides up my crotch, and is just plain in the way.

But if it's something YOU really enjoy, you need to communicate it to her clearly and in a NON-WHINING, NON-BEGGING way.

None of this, "Pleeeeeease put this on!"

More like, "Here sexy b*tch, put this on NOW so I can f*ck your brains out!"

There. How's that?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> My SO really doesn't like lingerie... he just wants my naked body!
> 
> Don't get me wrong, he certainly appreciates it when I wear it, but the first thing he does is remove it ENTIRELY from my body.
> 
> ...


Agreed with Clam, as much as I like the idea of my wife in sexy lingerie, in all honestly that $hit is coming off the moment we hit the bed, if not sooner! I don't think me wearing lingerie would do anything for her either, so we just skip it all :grin2:


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

The main issue here is that he has very clearly communicated to her how much this mean to him (I hope!) and she has shown no special aversion to doing it.

So, why doesn't she do it for him occasionally?

That would bug the crap out of me as well (and it has, regarding different things).


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> my wife very often wears sexy lingerie - and I very much appreciate it. (before you get jeleaus, she rarely wants sex).
> 
> She does find thongs uncomfortable. If thongs are not a special treat for you maybe you can talk to her about other sexy things she can wear.
> ...


Thank you for your response

I feel bad that your wife rarely wants to have sex with you, I mean she might probably got reasons? we had that phase before when our kids were like 2-3 years old,the kids used to sleep in our bedroom.

I might go crazy if my wife wears sexy stuff and not have sex? maybe i'll ask for a bj atleast!

about my issue here, it's not just about lingerie or thongs, my wife does not even want to wear camisoles and shorts set or silk, lace chimese, not even night gowns. she wears PJ'S and loose shirt, or PJ set or an unsexy robe

I used to hate boxers, I'm always a brief guy and I do not wear color undies but since my wife told me about her preferences that she gets turned on when I'm wearing colored boxers, from then on there's not a single brief in my drawer and no white boxers at all.


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

doobie said:


> While I appreciate that men are more visual when it comes to getting turned on, what you need to understand is that most of the really sexy looking underwear (especially thongs, strings, etc.) are really uncomfortable to wear under clothing. I've never had a problem with wearing a thong (or some other sexy underwear) to bed when sex is on the agenda, there's no way I could wander round all day in a thong. I tend to wear boy pants because they're really comfortable under any clothing - jeans, dresses, skirts, etc and they don't give you VPL when worn under leggings. Also - making your underwear visible (as in white skirt, black thong) can make you look and feel really tacky. We women are under pressure from the media to make sure our underwear isn't visible so making sure it is just makes us feel like we're making a huge fashion faux pas. What a woman wears is judged by other women all the time and if we commit these fashion or sartorial mistakes we usually end up with female "friends" and colleagues *****ing about us behind our backs. Would it not be acceptable for your wife to just wear this sexy stuff in the bedroom so that she can feel sexy in the bedroom but elegant when she's out and about?


Thanks for the reply.

There's multiple issues involved here, please do not misconstrue my statement about thongs and I might have exaggerated a li'l bit about wanting my wife wear white skirt/pants and black or colored thongs to make the thong visible, it'll be nice but a little extreme. 
other issues that I was not able to mention are not just lingerie, thongs or stockings but my wife rarely wears camisoles and pants set or a nightgown. 
An example of that is if sex is in the agenda and say my wife is already in the masters while I'm reading bedtime stories with the kids and when the kids are sleep and I go to our room, I just will see my wife naked, on pj's? what's a little camisoles and panty? a silk sexy robe instead of a bath robe?

again she oblige but there's a smirk and do I have to request all the time?


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

Okguy said:


> You are doing it every day and complaining about lingerie? Give me a break.


thanks for your reply
again this is not a make or break, this will just be a toppings to an already delicious cake or ice cream if I may say.

We are having sex almost everyday as we are madly inlove with each other, we had a phase we're we could not find time to have sex (always quickie) or to have time with each other when the kids were still very young and it has only been 2 yrs or so since we've regain the time for each other, kids used to sleep with us and etc but now kids are 7-and 6 yr old


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I would be careful about begging or complaining to get her to accommodate you on wearing more lingerie/thongs. Women do not like a man that is complains or nags about things, especially sexual things.

You can do one or two things. You can compliment her a lot when she does, but be sure not to make her feel you like the lingerie more than her!

Or if all else fails you can be assertive. This would require you destroy/hide all the underwear you do not care much for and replace it all with only thongs! You could also get creatively aggressive by going ahead and placing a thong inside her pants as they are folded in the dresser or hanging in the closet. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> No matter how good someone has it, there is always something more that can make it better!


right on thanks!!

Funny is that I got alot of analogy which I've also mentioned to my wife to make her understand.

another 1 is that a Vegetarian would sometimes or eventually put a dressing on the salad even if he/she eats veggies everyday, not a meat or egg on the salad but a dressing. same as I what I told my wife, no thongs then there's lingerie, no corset then there's camisoles, no camisoles then night gown, heels stockings


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Its possible your wife is not comfortable with her body. It took many years for my wife to finally believe that I really did find her attractive and that lingerie was not some sort of compensation, but an enhancement. 






redsurgery said:


> Thank you for your response
> 
> I feel bad that your wife rarely wants to have sex with you, I mean she might probably got reasons? we had that phase before when our kids were like 2-3 years old,the kids used to sleep in our bedroom.
> 
> ...


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I don't actually like thongs. Its a bit tricky - my wife wore one to surprise me for my birthday. I've been trying to figure out how to let her know that while I truly appreciate the effort to make me happy, some of the other things she wears are actually more attractive to me, and more comfortable for her.






doobie said:


> While I appreciate that men are more visual when it comes to getting turned on, what you need to understand is that most of the really sexy looking underwear (especially thongs, strings, etc.) are really uncomfortable to wear under clothing. I've never had a problem with wearing a thong (or some other sexy underwear) to bed when sex is on the agenda, there's no way I could wander round all day in a thong. I tend to wear boy pants because they're really comfortable under any clothing - jeans, dresses, skirts, etc and they don't give you VPL when worn under leggings. Also - making your underwear visible (as in white skirt, black thong) can make you look and feel really tacky. We women are under pressure from the media to make sure our underwear isn't visible so making sure it is just makes us feel like we're making a huge fashion faux pas. What a woman wears is judged by other women all the time and if we commit these fashion or sartorial mistakes we usually end up with female "friends" and colleagues *****ing about us behind our backs. Would it not be acceptable for your wife to just wear this sexy stuff in the bedroom so that she can feel sexy in the bedroom but elegant when she's out and about?


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## T&T (Nov 16, 2012)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I don't actually like thongs. Its a bit tricky - my wife wore one to surprise me for my birthday. I've been trying to figure out how to let her know that while I truly appreciate the effort to make me happy, some of the other things she wears are actually more attractive to me, and more comfortable for her.


Richard, just tell her. Why wouldn't you? 

OP you may want to back off a bit. Richard may be right about the self image issues.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Hmm, think about it: She tried to do something specially nice for me on my birthday. At the time I reacted enthusiastically - not faked because I really was very happy that she wanted to do this. To later say something that translates to "thanks, but you could have done better" seems wrong - no matter how nicely I phrase it.

Meanwhile I try to let her know what I do like. 






T&T said:


> Richard, just tell her. Why wouldn't you?
> 
> OP you may want to back off a bit. Richard may be right about the self image issues.


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> My SO really doesn't like lingerie... he just wants my naked body!
> 
> Don't get me wrong, he certainly appreciates it when I wear it, but the first thing he does is remove it ENTIRELY from my body.
> 
> ...


thanks for the advice

I guess that's your SO's preference. Visual stimulation, Little thrill and tease is a my preference too.
not just lingerie, but others like camisoles, nightgown so on.. also I'm not asking my wife's to wear those lover's lane, adam & eve type of lingerie that would make her look like a *****, it's those Victoria's secret kind of thing

About the B!tch, and etc.. we're not into that, I spank her pull her hair but not really into b!tch, wh0r3 $lut words..


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> The main issue here is that he has very clearly communicated to her how much this mean to him (I hope!) and she has shown no special aversion to doing it.
> 
> So, why doesn't she do it for him occasionally?
> 
> That would bug the crap out of me as well (and it has, regarding different things).


thank you, on target!!

IDK if 4-5x ayr occasional? but why not make occasional to regular? like say 1x a month, then frequent like 1x/week.. and just maybe make it a habit, like almost every sex!!

I'm a li'l bit frustrated, near desperate as my wife seems to just ignore my point but it is not a deal breaker, not a make or break and I have never gone mad and will never ever be angry to my wife if my demand will not be meet, just like her when I tell her to put on lingerie, she will have a smirk on her face, I also got a smirk on my face when she's not wearing lingerie but it won't deter the sex..


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> I don't actually like thongs. Its a bit tricky - my wife wore one to surprise me for my birthday. I've been trying to figure out how to let her know that while I truly appreciate the effort to make me happy, some of the other things she wears are actually more attractive to me, and more comfortable for her.


maybe the thong she got are those from lovers lane or too ****ty stuff? but I respect that! that's your preference


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Don't like lingerie, find it uncomfortable and annoying to wear, and definitely a turn-off to play dolly.


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Its possible your wife is not comfortable with her body. It took many years for my wife to finally believe that I really did find her attractive and that lingerie was not some sort of compensation, but an enhancement.


Me and wife were college sweethearts, there was a year break or so so basically I know her very well. From pre-med to med proper to 1st kid to 2nd kid my wife's body didn't change much. She was a size 1 when I met her and after 2 kids she's a size 2, the biggest she went was a size 4 on our 1st kid. the only thing that probably change was her breast, she's a 32c now while she was a 32a before.. I know she's very confident and satisfied with her body, in fact her friends envy her as she does not do those diet regimen, she just work out almost everyday!!

I know her very well and she knows me very well too that is why it frustrates me abit as she knows my preference yet she does not give it to me more often..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I almost always wear something that's sort of sexy to definitely sexy to bed. The trouble is when you have kids you can't put on something that is clearly nothing more than a sex outfit unless the door is locked for the night. That's not something that happens with predictable regularity. While you're putting the kids to bed hoping she is putting the sexy on she can't be certain that bed is where the kids will stay. Not until they are sound asleep. So, my suggestion is to swap out what she normally wears with silk or satin of the same thing. Tee shirt and shorts can become a a short satin nightgown that is rather plain looking. If the kids get used to seeing mom in a fairly normally cut nightgown but in sexier fabric it won't feel like she is sexing up in front of the kids.

Thongs are a huge annoyance. They can be worn in some outfits but not with others. So again, some realistic expectations on your part might go a long way to getting her to stretch her comfort zone.

Stockings and garters... Do you realize what a PIA they are? To get a set that you can actually really wear...and then find a skirt or dress that is long enough so that she can pick up something dropped without attracting a crowd because word's spread she's got stockings on... Once a suitable 8 strap garter is found, because you need all 8 straps in order for the stockings to stay in place while you move about, then you have to find stockings that are the right color to match the actual street clothes you're wearing and the outfit has to be long enough but not snug, otherwise the garter straps will show, my God you guys have no damn idea how much damn work goes into wearing stockings and garter out?

You could also leave an outfit on the bed with a note, put this on or you're in big trouble, then put the kids to bed. If your sex life is as frequent as you say, this shouldn't be a problem. Unless you're real issue is that she doesn't dress and pose for you as a surprise "fvck me" message? Kind of unrealistic... Nope, totally unrealistic. Just put the outfit on the bed...she'll get the idea.

Having said all that, work with you wife to discover her hesitation. Is it comfort? Is it lack of planning? Is it a lack of coordinating the lingerie with something appropriate? Is it fear of discovery? Is she uncomfortable with wearing so obviously sexy stuff? You keep expecting your wife to greet you tied up with a bow, you ask her to do it, you buy her the bows, but you come HERE to find out why it's not more regular... Ask Her!!!


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

As a follow up - here are some of my experiences with wearing sexy nightwear/lingerie. I had a fairly long term partner for 15 years and if I wore anything at all to bed he would insist that I take it off and get naked as he was always more turned on by my naked skin. After that relationship finished I met another man and got married. I knew my H liked sexy lingerie so I always made an effort to wear thongs and camis to bed before we got married and carried on the same way after our wedding. However, he changed on our wedding day and stopped wanting sex with me. For the first year or so I thought I wasn't sexy enough for him and tried desperately to catch his attention with sexy nightwear - it was usually fairly uncomfortable but I was always willing to put up with it, expecting to remove it when we had sex and then sleep naked afterwards. However, the sex just wasn't happening and I would end up falling asleep in uncomfortable clothes and wake up with a thong practically cutting me in half. After a while it became fairly embarrassing to be getting into bed wearing sexy clothing in a desperate attempt to make him want me when he obviously didn't. I stopped wearing the sexy gear to bed and eventually stopped dressing and undressing in front of him as I got embarrassed about being naked in front of him due to his disinterest. Whereas at one point I would wander out into the garden and start doing the weeding in just a pair of knickers, I became so self conscious and embarrassed that I would apologise if he walked in on my while I was dressing or changing clothes. After nearly three years of a sexless marriage I left him a month ago and moved into my own place where I now wander round the house naked at times as I now feel free enough again to do that and have come to realise that there's nothing wrong with me - the problem was with him. When I get into another relationship I will be willing to wear sexy stuff to bed as an appetiser for my man if that's what turns him on - if he's more turned on by my nakedness, then that's fine with me too. I'd never spend the day wearing uncomfortable sexy underwear though - I need to wear stuff that I can move in (I'm pretty active) and feel good in, not something that's designed to turn men on.


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

It honestly sounds like she doesn't like the lingerie very much. You keep saying she knows your preference for it, but you don't mention how she feels. Do you know how she really feels about it? If not, you should ask her very directly how she feels about dressing up for you.

Sometimes when people feel pressured to do something they don't like, they push back out of spite.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I tend to see lingerie as a big waste of money. I can't wear it to work, can't wear it out of the house, and I have to go all Mission Impossible to figure out how to wash it, because a lot of it is handwash only, and I'd feel weird washing it in front of the kid. And no, I agree with the other poster, the house would need to be on lockdown. I'm not opening the door for my five year old in a nipple-peeping teddy. Meaning that lingerie for me would make sex less likely or would create barriers where if I had to throw on my ratty robe at a moment's notice I'd feel far less need for it. So for me it would be a "quality" over "quantity" discussion. 

Also, I'm structurally built wrong for most of it. So I can never find anything that fits right. And honestly, if I feel like I was going to get into dress-up and roleplay (because really, that's what that is, at the vanilla level), that so isn't what I'd be into.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No words to help you out here except don't let this ruin what sounds like a good thing. 

I was in the reverse situation in my past life, my ex did not care much about lingerie whereas I love it. I gave up in the end but the whole relationship was going nowhere anyway.

My current partner loves it when I wear lingerie. On a daily basis we sleep naked and I rarely wear undies (even under dresses when we go out as he likes that) so some lingerie is a bit of fun. I get a huge buzz seeing the look on his face when he sees me in lingerie, is a major turn on to see him so turned on. I try to surprise him a couple of times a month with lingerie, don't think he has ever asked me specifically to wear it but a few yrs ago we had a general discussion about sex and he said he loves it when I wear it so I took that on board. I enjoy wearing it as it makes me feel very sexy.
Sometimes it comes off before full on sex, other times it stays on the whole way through.

I also have a few pairs of heels that are bedroom shoes, sometimes they stay on during sex but I still worry I am going to stab him with the 6" killer heels.

As for it being uncomfortable or itchy my advice is to buy quality items, I've never had itchy lingerie as the better brands use soft and luxurious materials.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Buddy400 said:


> The main issue here is that he has very clearly communicated to her how much this mean to him (I hope!) and she has shown no special aversion to doing it.
> 
> So, why doesn't she do it for him occasionally?
> 
> That would bug the crap out of me as well (and it has, regarding different things).


She does do it for him occasionally, he says. His problem is that he wants it regularly.



redsurgery said:


> I know her very well and she knows me very well too that is why it frustrates me abit as she knows my preference yet she does not give it to me more often..


Well, obviously, then, it is not HER preference. Why does YOUR preference have to take precedence over HER preference? Especially if your sex life is otherwise enviable anyways? 

Maybe she finds them uncomfortable, maybe she feels like the ones you've bought for her aren't 'her,' maybe she feels self-conscious, maybe she feels like you won't like her normal appearance anymore if she does it too much, maybe she feels it will lose its power if it's done more often, maybe she feels washing them is more trouble than it's worth, maybe she is concerned about the kids walking in and getting an eyeful. 

Instead of begging her (that comes off as annoying and doesn't accomplish anything) just sit down with her and have an open talk about it. Everyone has suggested possible reasons, but you really need to ask her what HERS are. Maybe she just loves it best when you love her the way she is without all the froufrou.


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

redsurgery said:


> We are still madly in love with each other


She's not madly in love with you, if she was, she'd give you what you ask her for, with no excuses or complaints. 

At least youre getting regular sex, lots of married guys don't. 

I like outfits too, and my girlfriend of 4 years knows it. She always asks me if I want her to put on one of the outfits, and if so, which one I want her to wear. That's how it should be. 

Notice I said "girlfriend" not "wife". 

Things change after marriage.


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> I almost always wear something that's sort of sexy to definitely sexy to bed. The trouble is when you have kids you can't put on something that is clearly nothing more than a sex outfit unless the door is locked for the night. That's not something that happens with predictable regularity. While you're putting the kids to bed hoping she is putting the sexy on she can't be certain that bed is where the kids will stay. Not until they are sound asleep. So, my suggestion is to swap out what she normally wears with silk or satin of the same thing. Tee shirt and shorts can become a a short satin nightgown that is rather plain looking. If the kids get used to seeing mom in a fairly normally cut nightgown but in sexier fabric it won't feel like she is sexing up in front of the kids.
> 
> Thongs are a huge annoyance. They can be worn in some outfits but not with others. So again, some realistic expectations on your part might go a long way to getting her to stretch her comfort zone.
> 
> ...



Thank you for taking time to response, I really appreciate..

About not wearing sexy stuff to bed/sleep because of the kids..
We've gone thru that phase too, when the kids were from infant to 5 years old we've basically had a little hiatus during those times, mostly were just quickies. I didn't have any issues at the time, didn't demand at all, didn't even request, I guess we understood the situation before but now the kids are a little older, they sleep by themselves (we still read bedtime stories) and they don't come knocking at our bedroom door in the middle of the night, kids don't cry when we go out for a date (w/ baby sitter of course) so basically we have already the time and the freedom and we're catching up from lost time.
I also would like make it as detailed as possible, our master bedroom is at the main level toward the back part of the house and adjacent to the stairs, opposite to the kitchen and living room we got 3 bedrooms in the 2nd level, our 2 kids often sleeps together even if they have their own room. and we also got a basement where there's play/media room an office.

The reasons why I brought up the lay out of our house are
1st so I could specifically make a point that when I'm putting kids to sleep by reading bedtime stories my wife is often times just in our bedroom downstairs and no way will the kids see her on a sexy outfit if they are already upstairs, if it is my wife's turn to read bedtime stories for the kids, I'm usually at the basement and when sex is on the agenda, I just would go downstairs go to our room where my wife is waiting or my wife would just go the basement to meet me. We've had sex on the kitchen, on the living room, basement and even the stairs. we rarely have sex in the 2nd level that is why I don't think that there's an excuse for not wearing sexy outfits for the fear of getting caught by the kids.

about preparing the lingerie or preparing sexy outfit for my wife to wear? Believe me I've done that, I've done putting a note with it. I've done preparing the outfit in our bedroom plus flowers, champagne, candles while I made sure the kids are as sleep so that when she arrives she'll see that everything has been prepared and conducive and to add up I don't do this when she's coming from work coz I've had experience before where my wife would be dead tired from work and will take a nap first then she'll just wake me up in the middle of the night or early morning so I do this when she's from her friends house shopping or etc. Heck I even went disparate before like buying her wants, say gucci purse then inside the bag is a thong or a lingerie- then again most of the time my wife will oblige, I can't see the smirk or the sigh of course unless I'm actually there when she arrives. 

there were also times that my wife sabotages the mood by adding one thing that is totally ridiculous to the outfit. This drives me completely nuts. Example of which is a nightie, or cami then she wears PJ's..wth? 

I've done putting sexy outfits on her travelling bags when we go on vacation. done sexting and my wife did reply


I feel awkward already of being direct and asking, begging, I don't want to look desperate, I want to maintain my composure - kind of mentioned it above, but it's more of a "I wish you would just do this for me on your own accord, not just because I asked you to, not because I prepared, not because I got a gift or I did something really nice..." type of thing.

I know it's hard for garters and stockings, hard to go out also with that attire but then again if ever she does wear that outside it is already a big bonus but how about those times that we are in the hotel. My wife probably just wore 1-2x garters and stockings but until she say that I hate it then I'm not giving up my hope.

The thing I'm done with, gave up hope is corset, I saw how uncomfortable my wife was, saw how she felt like a ***** that I didn't even bother to resist or complain when my wife didn't continue to wear it. Again, my request for lingerie are not those ****s, role play, maid, bdsm thing like those found on lovers lane or adam and eve websites, all I wanted is an elegant sexy seductive and luxurious visual stimulation like those from VS.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

redsurgery said:


> Me and wife were college sweethearts, there was a year break or so so basically I know her very well. From pre-med to med proper to 1st kid to 2nd kid my wife's body didn't change much. She was a size 1 when I met her and after 2 kids she's a size 2, the biggest she went was a size 4 on our 1st kid. the only thing that probably change was her breast, she's a 32c now while she was a 32a before.. I know she's very confident and satisfied with her body, in fact her friends envy her as she does not do those diet regimen, she just work out almost everyday!!
> 
> I know her very well and she knows me very well too that is why it frustrates me abit as she knows my preference yet she does not give it to me more often..


I've been married 44 years. My wife will not were Lingerie. PERIOD.

She knows my preference. I have bought her some, which she has promptly thrown away. This is one of those gridlock issues between us.

When we have talked about it, she has asked me if I really want her to dress like a sl#t.. I have said no, I don't think it is dressing like a sl#t, if it is just for us in our bedroom. She doesn't see it that way. My wife does have body self image issues and a number of inhibitions. 

This is one issue that I have determined is just not going to get changed. 

Marriage is about compromise. Is this really the most important thing going on between the two of you? You've made your position clear and she has made her position clear. Continuing to ask is just bugging her. 

Good luck to you.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

I used to buy Tex2 lingerie during early years of marriage. Good stuff. Sets that cost $50 to $100. She'd wear them once & I'd never see them again. Had I not known better, I would've thought I was buying her "disposable" lingerie. 

I got tired of wasting my money. Haven't bought any for her for a decade plus & she certainly hasn't bought any for herself. Not a dealbreaker for me by any means. But it's just another one of those things that would be "nice" every once in awhile. Sorry, no advice here. Only empathy.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

From personal experience I know stockings and garters are a complete PITA to get on. I'm bent in all sorts of positions trying to get the back strap hooked, only to stand up straight and discover they're crooked. Then repeat the process a few more times until I finally get both centered in the back of my legs. By the time I'm done I feel like a pretzel and I'm exhausted. Forget sex, I'm ready for a nap! Lol

We can all speculate why your wife doesn't like to wear lingerie, silk nighties, etc. but she is the only one who knows. My suggestion is to just come out and ask her. Just don't ask before sex or you might not get any! Maybe while she's changing clothes before bed you can just ask "honey, how come you don't like wearing lingerie?"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Buddy400 said:


> The main issue here is that he has very clearly communicated to her how much this mean to him (I hope!) and she has shown no special aversion to doing it.
> 
> So, why doesn't she do it for him occasionally?
> 
> That would bug the crap out of me as well (and it has, regarding different things).





redsurgery said:


> I feel awkward already of being direct and asking, begging, I don't want to look desperate, I want to maintain my composure - kind of mentioned it above, but it's more of a "I wish you would just do this for me on your own accord, not just because I asked you to, not because I prepared, not because I got a gift or I did something really nice..." type of thing.


AGENCY and INTENTION. That's the whole ballgame right there. 

You study carefully what you like, what your partner likes, and where these overlap, the solution is obvious. You do the same for explicit "no-go" zones and avoid them, or test the boundaries with sensitivity and understanding. 

What's left is a whole category of things that one likes and the other feels indifferent about. It's the most fertile ground for misunderstanding and resentment, but also for empathy and generosity.

If a woman feels obliged and cajoled to dress up "like a doll" she is apt to feel objectified. She will dwell on body insecurities & imagine invidious comparisons to VS models, or focus on the supposed superficiality and discomfort of a costume she regards as a pointless imposition. If she's devalued in the rest of the union outside the bedroom, or if her partner is a selfish lover, then her perception may be reasonable. If not, she may be missing the forest for the trees. 

Objectification is about lack of agency and initiative. Yet who is responsible for asserting agency? A doll has none. But a woman who confidently elects to wear lingerie (or cater to her partner's other predilections) in full awareness of its meaning to and effect on her partner transcends objectification, because the display now becomes part of her personal & highly intentional expression of desire for him. And because it must be worn in advance of sex, it's also an unambiguous signal. Yoga pants and a t-shirt at bedtime could mean anything, or nothing; lingerie has no deniability. It assumes the burden of initiation. 

That's what I believe most guys who like their SOs in lingerie are really after: greater intimacy by way of a mindful generosity of spirit that says, "I am confident in my own allure; I know what pleases you and I care enough about you to do it spontaneously." That's worlds apart from "OK _fine_, you pervert, I did as you asked and now look sort of like the porno actress you probably have in mind, so take what you want but be quick about it because this ridiculous getup is scratchy and I feel fat in it." Same clothes, different planet.


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

doobie said:


> As a follow up - here are some of my experiences with wearing sexy nightwear/lingerie. I had a fairly long term partner for 15 years and if I wore anything at all to bed he would insist that I take it off and get naked as he was always more turned on by my naked skin. After that relationship finished I met another man and got married. I knew my H liked sexy lingerie so I always made an effort to wear thongs and camis to bed before we got married and carried on the same way after our wedding. However, he changed on our wedding day and stopped wanting sex with me. For the first year or so I thought I wasn't sexy enough for him and tried desperately to catch his attention with sexy nightwear - it was usually fairly uncomfortable but I was always willing to put up with it, expecting to remove it when we had sex and then sleep naked afterwards. However, the sex just wasn't happening and I would end up falling asleep in uncomfortable clothes and wake up with a thong practically cutting me in half. After a while it became fairly embarrassing to be getting into bed wearing sexy clothing in a desperate attempt to make him want me when he obviously didn't. I stopped wearing the sexy gear to bed and eventually stopped dressing and undressing in front of him as I got embarrassed about being naked in front of him due to his disinterest. Whereas at one point I would wander out into the garden and start doing the weeding in just a pair of knickers, I became so self conscious and embarrassed that I would apologise if he walked in on my while I was dressing or changing clothes. After nearly three years of a sexless marriage I left him a month ago and moved into my own place where I now wander round the house naked at times as I now feel free enough again to do that and have come to realise that there's nothing wrong with me - the problem was with him. When I get into another relationship I will be willing to wear sexy stuff to bed as an appetiser for my man if that's what turns him on - if he's more turned on by my nakedness, then that's fine with me too. I'd never spend the day wearing uncomfortable sexy underwear though - I need to wear stuff that I can move in (I'm pretty active) and feel good in, not something that's designed to turn men on.


I am so sorry to about what happened between you and your husband, I hope you are doing okay. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AGREE THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!

I don't want to add your frustration or hatred to your husband but how come a man refused sex when the woman is wearing lingerie, especially if it is the man's wife? plus 3 years of no sex? that's hard!!

In my case, I've never and will never think about divorce just because of the issue! I will not even consider this a problem, it might be an issue or a lack of progress but still very hopeful that is why I asked for tips and opinions here.

My wife is a very active person too and I know she wears comfortable undies and I know thongs are not uncomfortable for her that is why I'm still confused with my situation.

The only reason I can think is that she want's to keep my cravings that is why she does not spoil me? IDK if it make sense??


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## NoSizeQueen (Sep 9, 2015)

You said earlier that you hope once a month becomes once a week, becomes every time. That is not compromise, and she may sense this.

Maybe she worries that if she gives an inch, you'll want a mile, so she's standing her ground where she's comfortable.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

redsurgery said:


> I am so sorry to about what happened between you and your husband, I hope you are doing okay. MOST IMPORTANTLY, I AGREE THAT THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU!!
> 
> I don't want to add your frustration or hatred to your husband but how come a man refused sex when the woman is wearing lingerie, especially if it is the man's wife? plus 3 years of no sex? that's hard!!
> 
> ...


Redsurgery - thanks for your concern but I'm now blissfully happy alone since leaving my H. It wasn't three years with no sex at all, it was three years with sex every few months or so (the longest period without was 6 months). I don't hate my H, I'm just very disappointed in him (I try not to hate as it seems to damage the person doing the hating more than the person hated most of the time). 

Back to the subject of lingerie, I have really sensitive skin (I have to cut the labels off clothing as they do my head in) and anything itchy or scratchy is a no go for me unless I've just put it on as a prelude to sex, which I don't object to doing. If I'm going out I like to look great and use my outer clothing to achieve this, with comfortable underwear underneath. When I say comfortable, I don't mean granny knickers - I'm very small and I wear boy shorts style knickers and a good bra. I've been told that my underwear is quite sexy and modern (even though I'm in my fifties). Despite being so tiny (4ft 10 and I weigh 40 kilos), I have big boobs for my size (30E) so I need to wear a good quality bra that's comfortable too. I've found a bra that suits me and usually buy the same model in red, black and white so I have one to wear under everything I wear. I also buy good quality bikini tops (I can't buy an off the peg bikini set to fit me due to boob size) and often wear these under a skimpy top when on a night out - showcases my boobies nicely while providing the support I need  .


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## redsurgery (Oct 2, 2015)

NoSizeQueen said:


> It honestly sounds like she doesn't like the lingerie very much. You keep saying she knows your preference for it, but you don't mention how she feels. Do you know how she really feels about it? If not, you should ask her very directly how she feels about dressing up for you.
> 
> Sometimes when people feel pressured to do something they don't like, they push back out of spite.


Thank you for the reply

Me and my wife had multiple discussion already about the issue and a mentioned in my post I recognized some very very few improvements.. In all our discussion, the only thing my wife mentioned that she despise and loathe is the corset. She's disgusted with corset and I'm okay with it, after I found out that she hates corset, I never bought a corset again!
My wife has not voice out any dislikes of Lingerie and thongs, her answer always are "why assume I don't like lingerie?" or "there are days for that", or "can't hardly wait?"

IDK if she's playing hard to get? playing games? or controlling me?

Although I request/beg if she could wear a Lingerie or thongs before sex but once the sex starts and she's not wearing any of that, I rarely mention or beg during sex, I do not want ruin anything, I do not even resist or complain if for example during sex she want's to remove the lingerie. She only does that if she's wearing like delicate lingerie like the babydoll stuff as for her it gets easily damage. 

My wife is very particular in taking good care with her stuff like if I pulled the string her thong she grumble, (again that is occasional only!) I respect that so I kept my distance.

I mightb be blinded but I think I'm not or I've never pressured her, persuade -yes I'm guilty


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

NoSizeQueen said:


> You said earlier that you hope once a month becomes once a week, becomes every time. That is not compromise, and she may sense this.
> 
> Maybe she worries that if she gives an inch, you'll want a mile, so she's standing her ground where she's comfortable.


She may be worried that if she does this too often, he'll get bored and think up something else that is required of her to stimulate him.

She may also be wondering if he wants her to stay covered up in sex indicates that he doesn't like her body.

OP, you wondered why your wife would put on a nightie and pj's. Well, her fanny might get cold waiting for you. In fact, none of that fancy lingerie you want your wife to adorn herself with is designed for warmth. 

Just want to mention that I have never seen an 8 strap garter belt. Didn't know they existed.


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## RogueAlpha (Oct 1, 2015)

Fellow lingerie loving guy here... It depends on the woman, but my thoughts are that usually it can make her feel somewhat vulnerable and "out there" if she just puts on lingerie without positive reinforcement. Women aren't just going to dress up for you randomly. For this reason I've had good results with being assertive when I want my wife to dress up. Usually on a "date night" after a few glasses of wine, I'll tell her to head to the bedroom and get dressed for sex. It's a turn on for her that I just tell her. Sometimes I'll even lay out the outfit + heels I want her in, etc... Give it a try and see how it works. Once she's dressed, make sure to tell her how good she looks and how this is what you want all the time. Have fun with it 😜


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

For a guy like myself who's now on the 2 year stretch of not even having seen my wife naked let what? Sex hello what is sex even?

This post is immediately really depressing hearing a guy write a novel about how disappointed he is that on top of 3x a day of sex he wants specific underwear as well. Then suddenly you realize the reality and that is no matter how frequent or infrequent sex is people always are dissatisfied - so,other as well be dissatisfied with no sex at all. Life's great !


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just what is a woman supposed to do with heels in the bedroom? Is she supposed to prance around and slide down the bedpost (a la Jamie Lee Curtis)? Is she supposed to drape herself across the bed with heels in prominent view? 

What would you do if she wanted you to dress up like a Bronie? Just occasionally at first, then maybe monthly, then every, single time.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> Just what is a woman supposed to do with heels in the bedroom? Is she supposed to prance around and slide down the bedpost (a la Jamie Lee Curtis)? Is she supposed to drape herself across the bed with heels in prominent view?
> 
> What would you do if she wanted you to dress up like a Bronie? Just occasionally at first, then maybe monthly, then every, single time.


As to the first question of what she is suppose to do with the high heels? Ask her husband what he would find arousing. Sex is suppose to be playful and about making your partner happy in a way that isn't morally repugnant to yourself. It should be about giving and not taking, but likewise the spouse should be into giving as well.

Which brings up your second question. What if she askes you to dress up. The correct response is sure, but I want some variety and so this isn't going to be an every time thing, but if it turns you on, sure.


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