# Worried about wife's mental health



## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

Background: My wife and I have been married a year and a half, together 8 years total. We were both married previously, she for 16 years and 7 for me. She has two daughters, 22 and 19 and I have one daughter, 12.

We have a major recurring issue which essentially is that she always thinks i'm cheating on her. Her ex cheated on her. I run a small business as a small construction contractor. Primarily specializing in residential work, I often find that my clients are the typical wife makes all the decisions. As such, I am frequently receiving calls, texts, emails from female clients. My wife sees these (every night she grabs my phone when I come home from work and scours my texts and emails and opens anything with a female name, even spam!) and she constantly accuses me of being "flirty", "too friendly", and "acting interested". Hand to god, I have never been attracted to, flirted with anyone or cheated on my wife AT ALL. Despite my assurances, she yells and screams at me that "you're attracted to (female client's name)!". I assure her and I again, hand to god here am only doing the best work I can to earn a living.

We are currently in the middle of a multi day fight because my current client who's home I am remodeling hired a designer who happens to be female. Despite the fact that other than briefly meeting this designer one day for a few seconds on the jobsite when she was there with the homeowner I have had ZERO interaction. No matter, my wife has accused me of being attracted to the designer and has accused me of "deleting texts from her". I've never had ANY communication with this lady other than the brief meeting above.

Similar scenarios occur frequently, and I would say on almost every job I do. I never work alone at a home with a female there, I always have my employee with me, which I thought would be of comfort to my wife, but despite that, my wife is now accusing me of forcing my employee to "cover for you and lie that you aren't involved" with women.

Even when I briefly worked for a company in the same industry, she accused me of flirting and having "relationships" with all of the females that worked there.

I am honestly at a loss of what to do!!!??? My wife is so paranoid and I'm honestly concerned that its some sort of serious mental health issue. She yells and screams at me that I'm this horrible liar and cheat! All Im doing is trying to earn a living to support our family!!! I have honestly never ever even in the slightest way cheated on her or dishonored our marriage in ANY way!!!!

I don't know what to do! I do know though that I can't keep living like this. I am a hardworking honest person who has always been truthful, honest and straightlaced. It is literally KILLING me to be called a cheat, liar and dishonest. It's not only taking a mental toll on me but a physical as well.


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## Maxwedge 413 (Apr 16, 2014)

I'm sure this is really great for your 12yo to see all the fighting and belittling. Might even cost you a job or two. Why did you marry this woman?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd get out of this, for your own mental health. You can't change people, or how they think. She sounds like she needs professional help, but even then, this sounds like an insane way to live. I would honestly get out of this. I'm sure you love your wife, but does she love you? Love doesn't look like this. This is emotional abuse.


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## Oceania (Jul 12, 2018)

Suggest marriage counselling to her for you both. If there are mental health issues they can be approached in marriage counselling and take it from there.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I don't think its mental health issues but that she is obsessively jealous. I do have to wonder why you married her when you knew she was like this. I can understand her insecurity at the beginning after being cheated on, but after 8 years she should have learnt that she can trust you. If she cant now then its hard to see how she ever will. 

I do think you need to tell her how very seriously this is effecting you, and that if it carries on she may end up driving you away. Then get some good marriage counselling.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I don't think its mental health issues but that she is obsessively jealous. I do have to wonder why you married her when you knew she was like this. I can understand her insecurity at the beginning after being cheated on, but after 8 years she should have learnt that she can trust you. If she cant now then its hard to see how she ever will.
> 
> I do think you need to tell her how very seriously this is effecting you, and that if it carries on she may end up driving you away. Then get some good marriage counselling.


Obsessive jealousy and paranoia that leads you to scream at your loved one is a sign of at least a couple of mental health disorders.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife sees these (every night she grabs my phone when I come home from work and scours my texts and emails and opens anything with a female name, even spam!) and she constantly accuses me of being "flirty", "too friendly", and "acting interested".
> 
> Despite my assurances, she yells and screams at me that "you're attracted to (female client's name)!".
> 
> ...


You should be concerned. Obsessive and paranoid thoughts that leads to destructive behavior are signs of a mental health issue. I would read about some common mental health disorders and think about any other symptoms she may have. I wouldn't tell her that you think she has a mental problem though. 

There is a chance she could get therapy and possibly medication and possibly a way for you to guide her to seek out help for herself. If she won't get help, you will need to leave no matter how much you care about her. It's unhealthy for you and your children and will not stop with out professional help. 

I'll tell you a little about me to show you an example of how it might be possible for your wife to change. I'm currently divorced and now have a serious relationship. During my marriage I discovered I had a mental health disorder. I sought out help myself, but not because I was jealous or paranoid of my husband. I was extremely jealous and paranoid though. What you describe her about your wife are all things I did. I could not stop obsessing, I could not stop being paranoid, I could not stop myself from screaming at my husband even though I was miserable and _really_ wanted to stop. I wasn't happy being jealous and paranoid and screaming but I kept doing it. I did all this despite not ever having been cheated on in any prior relationship. I also had long periods of extreme depression and was generally a very anxious person. Obsessive behavior is a manifestation of anxiety. A person thinks that their anxiety might go away if they keep checking on something or doing something. But anxiety doesn't go away like that. I eventually sought help after reading many self-help marriage books which included sections about emotional abuse and books about changing your behavior. When I realized that I was waking up promising myself to not get angry at my husband that day and then getting extremely upset within hours, I realized I had a problem out of my control. I sought help because I didn't want to feel depressed any more, and this is more often the reason someone finally visits a psychiatrist. I got on a treatment plan and got significantly better. My marriage was destroyed however and my spouse did not want to try to repair it so we eventually divorced. 

If your wife has any other symptoms that make her unhappy and tells this to you, if she seems otherwise interested in self-improvement, it is possible for her to seek professional help. If that's not the case, its quite unlikely she will seek help and you will need to leave for your own health and your children's health.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Background: My wife and I have been married a year and a half, together 8 years total. We were both married previously, she for 16 years and 7 for me. She has two daughters, 22 and 19 and I have one daughter, 12.
> 
> We have a major recurring issue which essentially is that she always thinks i'm cheating on her. Her ex cheated on her. I run a small business as a small construction contractor. Primarily specializing in residential work, I often find that my clients are the typical wife makes all the decisions. As such, I am frequently receiving calls, texts, emails from female clients. My wife sees these (every night she grabs my phone when I come home from work and scours my texts and emails and opens anything with a female name, even spam!) and she constantly accuses me of being "flirty", "too friendly", and "acting interested". Hand to god, I have never been attracted to, flirted with anyone or cheated on my wife AT ALL. Despite my assurances, she yells and screams at me that "you're attracted to (female client's name)!". I assure her and I again, hand to god here am only doing the best work I can to earn a living.
> 
> ...


My ex did this. I told her that if she is so sure I am cheating that she should act accordingly. Evey accusation I answered with "yup...act accordingly". Not that it was productive but it helped me maintan my insanity as I no longer spent energy defending myself. Eventually, she stopped doing it on her own. I hope you guys work this out.


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## GHaynes (Mar 12, 2018)

This sounds like hell for both of you. If you haven't given her any reason not to trust you, she likely has some kind of psychological issue. If she doesn't trust you, you can't possibly trust her and you deserve to feel secure in your marriage. I would suggest seeking marriage counseling for the issue of unfounded accusations and let them bring up the issue of her issues. For both of you, I really hope you sort this out. I can't imagine the energy she's spending over nothing or the energy it's costing you handling it and then having to worry about her mental state. This seems like emotional abuse to me. I hurt for both of you.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your wife needs to see a psychologist, asap. I couldn't live like you do and maintain a full time job. Mayabe you should put her to work, so that her mind doesn't play movies in her head.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do you need a secretary? Maybe she can take some calls? 

Also, she needs to talk with a professional about her fears.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I've read through some of your other threads. She's just plain nuts. 

And more importantly, you are a 'rescuer' with White Knight Syndrome. 

One of the things you White Knights have is this expectation that when you rescue a damsel in distress that she will love and desire you and treat you with awe and admiration and be completely devoted to you. 

The reality is you are chump and are being manipulated and used by her and women do not respect, admire or desire men that allow themselves to be used and chumped by women...… even if they are the ones doing the chumping. 

Yes, your wife may have some kind of bona fide disorder or something. 

But you are a codependent enabler. 

One of my best friends had a wife like yours and they too were together for about 8 years while he provided for her ne'er do well offspring and kept her off the street because she couldn't work at a job for more than a few days. 

He had to lock her meds up in a safe that only he had access to and he would administer her meds to her daily so that she would take them as prescribed every day and so she wouldn't get into them and OD on them.

His excuse for having her was that she was "nice" to him when she wasn't going off the handle over something. 

He was not only her rescuer and White Knight, but was also pretty much her parent since she wasn't functional in the real world. 

The problem with having a parent-child relationship in marriage is no one wants to live with and have sex with their parent. 

At about the two-year mark of their marriage, she simply decided she would get resentful if she stayed so in the course of a weekend she met a Cray-Cray lesbian, packed her bags and moved out of state to be with this lesbian. 

This will be your future as well. She is unstable and incapable of having a stable relationship. 

My recommendation is see a lawyer asap and find out what your rights and responsibilities will be when she bolts. You don't want to get stuck paying her alimony or supporting her ne'er-do-well kids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just re-read your other threads. You were with her for 8 years before you married her. I assume you were living with her and her kids because you say that you supported all of them for all these years.

What I find interesting is that it sounds like you two waited until her alimony and most of the child support stopped before you married her. hm

You knew what she was like yet you married her. I think you need to figure out why you married a woman who is abusive, hyper jealous and who uses you financially and in other ways.

You cannot change her. So don't even bother trying.

Now, also keep in mind that a lot of the issues that you have complained about are not solely on her. For example you say that she does not work and has, for years, expected you to support her and her children above your means. Sure, that makes her look pretty bad. But it makes you look pretty bad as well. You chose to support her and her children. You allowed her to spend money that you did not have. You did not pay your business taxes.. that's on you. Had you put your foot down from day one on a lot of this, a lot her bad behavior would have never been a problem. One of two thing would have happened: 1) If she really wanted to be with YOU (not your money), she would have lived within what you can afford and she would have controlled her anger or 2) she would have left you because she wants a man who she can use and abuse.

You did what you did and dug your own hole because it was apparently the only way you thought that she would stay. Do you really need her in your life to the point that you are willing to allow yourself to be abused? Well, you have so far. But are you going to start taking care of yourself from here on out and refuse to allow her nonsense in your life?

The only person who you can change is yourself. So that's where you need to put your effort. Figure out why you made such as bad choice and married her. And the strength and backbone to leave her.

What is it that you are here asking us about? In the last 5 months you have posted a few threads all of which paint her in a very bad way. But you have done nothing, it seems, to change your circumstance.

Are you just here to belly ache? Are you here to look for people who will give you moral support. Or are you looking to end the hell you are living in? Because if ending the hell is your goal, you are going to have to start working on yourself and get out of this marriage.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

Roselyn said:


> Your wife needs to see a psychologist, asap. I couldn't live like you do and maintain a full time job. Mayabe you should put her to work, so that her mind doesn't play movies in her head.


When I had these problems with my husband, he suggested the same thing about working. But working with bad and untreated mental health problems adds stress that usually makes mental health worse, and thus symptoms worse. It's not a good idea to start work just in hopes that you will be distracted from your mental health problems.


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

Maybe you should nicely talk to her about seeing a therapist either alone or together . It wont get better over time, trust me! It only gets worse and will wear you down over time.


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## sparklebug (Feb 16, 2017)

luxnoctis said:


> When I had these problems with my husband, he suggested the same thing about working. But working with bad and untreated mental health problems adds stress that usually makes mental health worse, and thus symptoms worse. It's not a good idea to start work just in hopes that you will be distracted from your mental health problems.


actually, with that in mind, any way she could answer phone calls or something like that? It would keep her busy and allow her to create her own relationship with the clients so that she can sort of get to know them.


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## luxnoctis (Jun 29, 2017)

sparklebug said:


> actually, with that in mind, any way she could answer phone calls or something like that? It would keep her busy and allow her to create her own relationship with the clients so that she can sort of get to know them.


It really depends on what mental health issue she is facing. She is struggling to handle an intimate relationship and that may extend to building client relationships. It could be that relationships in general cause her stress and anxiety. If she is socially isolated then having more contact with other people would benefit her. But in general, it's false that keeping busy helps emotional and mental issues. There is a difference between adding stressful activities and adding healthful activities. 

Work usually comes with stress for anyone, but if you already struggle with mental health, then stress in any form adds to your burdens because thats stress on top of stress. It compounds and gets worse. However, going to work can be helpful if it doesn't feel stressful to that person and is socially enjoyable (good co-workers, nice boss).

Self-care is especially important. Having friends and other people to socialize with is great as long as the problem is not severe social anxiety. 

I find that fresh air, sitting outside anywhere with a scenic view, and music are helpful for grounding one's emotions. Music especially seems to be pretty influential. Playing music she loves when she seems stressed out and about to fight, or when she is emotional. Or, telling her you want to go on a nature walk when she wants to talk about something that usually causes a heated argument. 

Emotions can moved out of your system with motion. That's why some people believe that using a punching bag can get out anger. Anxiety is defined as a fear of something in the future, something that may or may not happen. She tries to soothe her anxiety with action - reading your messages and talking to you about her anxious thoughts. Taking a walk or having your hands occupied (driving, knitting, stress ball, etc.) makes the body feel like action is being taken. Also, music and new environments keep us in the present moment. Staying in the present is a good counter to fear of future events that may or may not occur. 

Doing a puzzle together with music in the background while talking may help keep things cool. If she gets too angry to continue, physical separation with no talking aids the cool down process. That could be an hour or a couple of hours. At the height of her emotions she may take dramatic actions like trying to force the conversation or packing to leave the house. It's still best to not talk and keep a physical distance (staying out of eyesight as well). 

None of these tactics are more than a very temporary solution, a few hours, maybe a couple of days at best. The underlying mental health problem needs a long term treatment plan, usually therapy combined with medication. An unhealthy brain will continue malfunctioning over and over again without it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Without her seeing an individual counselor to fix her jealousy you won't get anywhere. You could quit your job, but there will be a woman at the next one, or at the gas station or doctor's office. It will ALWAYS be someone for her to accuse you of being attracted to. If she can't fix herself then your choices are simple, Leave or stay and endure the behavior which will likely escalate. 
Have you ever given her any reason to think she may be right?


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