# Have I lost my mind?



## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

I'm finally feeling that it's time to divorce my wife.

We're at the point now where every time we have even a slight argument, she'll run off to a hotel for a couple of days, exacerbating the financial issue that is part of the reason for all the stress to begin with. I just don't know what to do.

I'm in school and, although I still work part-time, she has been the primary breadwinner. What started with me working while she got her Bachelor's and Master's was supposed to end up with our roles reversing so I could go back and get my Bachelor's - then we'd live happily ever after (yeah right). I'm a year into it and the stress level has finally pushed me over the edge. I no longer want to be with her.

I feel that she resents me being in school. Her demands have become irrational (demanding that we move even though we can't afford it, then saying I need a 2nd job to help pay for it). She's been using a lot of "always, never" descriptors in her rants toward me. I'd drop all of my courses and take-on another job, but the negative consequences would just make things worse. 

Since we've been married, she's turned into more of a homebody who doesn't really like social situations the way she used to rave about them, but will give me grief if I even mention wanting to do something social. I do the majority of the housework, cooking, cleaning, etc because that was part of our agreement if I was going to be in school and not working full-time. For the past few months, I've been getting nit-picked about everything to the point that I'm doing dishes at 5:30am because a glass was used in the middle of the night and there may be some spoiled leftovers in the fridge. 

Sorry to ramble on, but I don't know what to do other than just get a divorce. I can't take the behavior and she flat-out refuses to discuss it, instead she'll just stay gone for a couple of days, then come home and it starts all over again.:scratchhead:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Do what is best for you. If you can leave and go back and finish your education, that seems best. I would have to guess she no longer respects you and is at least in an EA. You would have to do some investigation to find out for certain. That may be a good place to start since you will likely end up in divorce anyway and you need to protect yourself. 

I'm sure there will be other varying opinions so don't take this as the only answer. It's just what I see and I very well could be wrong.

Other considerations:

How old are you?
Are there children involved?
How long have you been married?


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Do what is best for you. If you can leave and go back and finish your education, that seems best. I would have to guess she no longer respects you and is at least in an EA. You would have to do some investigation to find out for certain. That may be a good place to start since you will likely end up in divorce anyway and you need to protect yourself.
> 
> I'm sure there will be other varying opinions so don't take this as the only answer. It's just what I see and I very well could be wrong.
> 
> ...


I don't think it's an EA, then again, who knows? If we divorced, I'd probably barely make it through this semester and would then have to put school on hold until I got back on my feet. Although, the delay and financial turmoil may be well worth it.

We're in our 30's, no kids, 7 years.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

It should also be said that I very much love this woman, I just don't know what to do about the madness that's driving me nuts. The spoiled-brat routine is so immature and ridiculous that I'm at a loss when trying to correlate that she may be masquerading as a well-balanced, intelligent and educated person.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I'll let others help you from here. I'm feeling a little biased and don't want to tell you the wrong thing. I can't imagine why she would be leaving for days at a time if not in a PA. 

How do you speak with her? Do you show her respect even when you disagree? 

What do you two do together? I'm thinking of dating type things. 

Do you make any decisions on your own? 

How is your sex life? How would she describe it? 

If you want to try, it's going to take time and dedication. You may have to quit school for a while just to get things back on track. Seems like it's time to figure out what you want the most. 

I do believe a divorce will cause you to quit for a while anyway. Add to that trying to figure things out and you could be looking at a year or two of absence from school. You are in a tough spot and need to know your goals. 

Others will help with more thoughts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Spell out exactly what has to change and come up with a list of consequences if they don't. For example:

She does not leave the house when things don't go her way. NO more money spent on hotel rooms. If she does, you cancel the credit cards.
You start couples counseling immediately. If she won't, you go to IC yourself and give her 6 months to change her mind, then file for D
Schedule one night a week for serious discussions and stick to it. Both of you. If she doesn't, you stop doing all housework

Those are just examples, you'd have to come up with what would work for you.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> I'll let others help you from here. I'm feeling a little biased and don't want to tell you the wrong thing. I can't imagine why she would be leaving for days at a time if not in a PA.
> 
> How do you speak with her? Do you show her respect even when you disagree?
> 
> ...


She says she leaves so she can "get away," "get some peace," etc. She's turned in to a real loner where even here she'll spend most evenings sitting on the back patio, reading a book or something, then goes to bed. This is most days.

For the most part I speak to her very calmly and in a non-threatening tone. God forbid I raise my voice even slightly, or I'm "yelling." She formulates most of what I say in her own head and, even after explaining what I'm trying to say in layman's terms, am told that I'm saying/doing something completely different. Most of what I'll say or do around her is taken as some sort of attack, even saying "Have a good day" or "be careful driving today" is being converted into some sort of belittling her abilities.

I try to get her to do all sorts of things, going out for dinner, hiking, weekend getaways, movies, etc. Even these types of things have turned into grueling tests of patience and tolerance as if there is even the slightest hitch, then the whole thing comes raining down.

Sex is come and go, if it's a friendly week maybe twice. Otherwise, it's few and far between. I quit trying to ask after I go a: "I won't be in to it, but if you just HAVE to do it, then okay." Yikes! She'd describe it as "You ALWAYS want it." Although I will admit that I have the urge more than twice a week, I (as mentioned above) no longer initiate.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. You can find them with a quick search. Hope knows what she is talking about. Don't discount her opinions. MMSLP is not about sex. It's about how you handle yourself around your wife. At least read one of those.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Spell out exactly what has to change and come up with a list of consequences if they don't. For example:
> 
> She does not leave the house when things don't go her way. NO more money spent on hotel rooms. If she does, you cancel the credit cards.
> You start couples counseling immediately. If she won't, you go to IC yourself and give her 6 months to change her mind, then file for D
> ...


I've tried the consequences route... with no success. She equates me putting requirements up as "trying to control her" so they're ignored. I don't want to do anything that may result in an unhealthy environment for myself, but I've skipping cooking so she has to fend for herself and she'll just go out and buy buy buy, being stubborn. She's got her own credit cards, so I can't cancel those. If it gets too bad, I'll have have to file an injunction or something - but that will likely be when filing for a divorce is the only option left.

I'm looking in to counseling for me. She's already blew that idea off. I don't have 6 months to wait without risking bankruptcy post divorce unless she comes around pretty quickly. Right now I've got enough spare to make it until the end of the year, even if she gets most of the assets.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Read No More Mr. Nice Guy and Married Man Sex Life Primer. You can find them with a quick search. Hope knows what she is talking about. Don't discount her opinions. MMSLP is not about sex. It's about how you handle yourself around your wife. At least read one of those.


This is all likely to come to a head in the next couple of weeks or so - making time limited. Right now, I'm not even worried about the sex, but rather the destructive behaviors that are fanning the fire.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

No problem.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JAppleseed said:


> I've tried the consequences route... with no success.


OK this is bullpucky. I HATE it when people say this. It's impossible for consequences to be 'unsuccessful'. The truth is that you're too chicken to follow through with any real consequences. That's the truth whenever anyone says consequences fail.

The way consequences work is:
1) You identify the undesirable behaviour
2) You identify a time frame in which the undesirable behaviour must disappear
3) You identify a consequence *that you will follow through with* if the undesirable behaviour continues past your deadline (note italicized bolded underlined part)
4) You present all of the above to the other person
5) You observe whether the other person changes the undesirable behaviour by the deadline
6) If they do not, you execute the consequence.

You have to think of it as inevitable. Just like if you breathe in too much water you drown. Or if you drink too much you get drunk.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> OK this is bullpucky. I HATE it when people say this. It's impossible for consequences to be 'unsuccessful'. The truth is that you're too chicken to follow through with any real consequences. That's the truth whenever anyone says consequences fail.
> 
> The way consequences work is:
> 1) You identify the undesirable behaviour
> ...


But this is exactly what I've tried! When executing the consequences.. (no dinner, I've gone out for the evening without her, trip cancelled, my chores not done, lawn not mowed, trash piling up, etc) she blows it off and acts stubborn - to the point where she'll do it herself then throw it in my face. I know she's probably steaming inside, but considers everything a competition lately so she'll never "let me have control." It's getting to the point where the only consequence left is divorce. 

Maybe she's pushing the buttons because she wants me to file for divorce - because she doesn't have the guts to do it (probably harboring a little guilt that I supported her throughout two degrees while she didn't have to work at all).


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So you execute the consequence because her behaviour hasn't changed. And she throws a temper tantrum. Well boo effing hoo for her!! Let her throw a tantrum. Who cares?

You have to keep upping the ante. If she does want a divorce, give her one. If she doesn't care about the consequences you're dishing out, use new ones.

Not speaking to her, sleeping in another room, those are also consequences.

You should look up the 180. It's something we tell betrayed spouses to implement, but I think you need it too. Basically, you start living your life to please yourself and to hell with what she wants, and you enjoy it and let her see you enjoying it. You stop caring what she thinks or says or does.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> So you execute the consequence because her behaviour hasn't changed. And she throws a temper tantrum. Well boo effing hoo for her!! Let her throw a tantrum. Who cares?
> 
> You have to keep upping the ante. If she does want a divorce, give her one. If she doesn't care about the consequences you're dishing out, use new ones.
> 
> ...


I let her throw the tantrums, but instead of whines and moans, it's her checking into a hotel, going out to dinner, going shopping, etc - all which cost and add to our bills if we work things out. 

I give her the silent treatment - she "needs to get away" and checks into a hotel.

I sleep in another room - she "needs to get away" and checks into a hotel. 

Both of these methods were used yesterday and last night and resulted in her leaving to work with additional clothes, etc and a hotel check-in.

I've been focusing more on myself lately, doing things I want to do and going places I want to go. This has infuriated her (meaning it's working) but makes everything so volatile that she just ends up leaving again. I know it's to spite me, but I blow it off. She's turned this whole thing into a stare down. Who knows? Maybe she's posting on this very forum too!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Then tell her the next time she's packing an overnight bag to make it a moving-out-permanently bag. That's bullsh!t. Do you really want to keep living like this?

I know it sucks financially, but the way you're living sucks emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, AND financially.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Then tell her the next time she's packing an overnight bag to make it a moving-out-permanently bag. That's bullsh!t. Do you really want to keep living like this?
> 
> I know it sucks financially, but the way you're living sucks emotionally, physically, spiritually, psychologically, AND financially.


Maybe I'm just sick, but I don't want to blow up to the point where I tell her to make it a "moving-out-permanently bag." I'd rather remain tortured if it means I maintained composure through it all. 

You're absolutely right. The way I am living has really drained me in every way possible. I guess I was just hoping there was some last-resort, magic cure-all that would swoop in and save the day. I waited until the last-minute to discuss it or seek counseling, but it appears that it's too late, because if I'm the only one in counseling, it doesn't appear that it would change her behavior.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sorry man. Think of ten years from now and where you'll be. Do you see her with you? I'd guess not. You have to keep the long term in mind. Gather your strength and do what you gotta do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Nmmng?


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Sorry man. Think of ten years from now and where you'll be. Do you see her with you? I'd guess not. You have to keep the long term in mind. Gather your strength and do what you gotta do.


That's how it goes sometimes. 

I DID see her with me. She had been my best friend, and I already miss her. I know we all change, but I guess some of us take the express lane. Now comes the hard part, but we'll see where I end up down the road.


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Nmmng?


???


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

JAppleseed said:


> I feel that she resents me being in school.


JA, did all this conflict start only a year ago, when you went back to school? Are you saying that, during the first several years of the marriage -- when you were putting her through school for BA and MA -- you had a loving, caring wife? Or were there many red flags even then?


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## JAppleseed (Oct 7, 2013)

Uptown said:


> JA, did all this conflict start only a year ago, when you went back to school? Are you saying that, during the first several years of the marriage -- when you were putting her through school for BA and MA -- you had a loving, caring wife? Or were there many red flags even then?


The conflict started in the last couple of months. I assume it had been building up since I started school and finally started pouring out. Prior, we did have spats from time to time, but she was a completely different person, loving and caring and thankful for my encouragement. 

Now that she's in the position to help me finish my degree, I suppose she'd just rather sabotage it so she can go search for greener grass rather than live up to her end of the bargain. It's a surprisingly deep cut to my ideal of her. We were on the same page until it was my turn - even though I still work and contribute - whereas she did not when I was in her shoes.


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