# Advice please for a sexless and getting hopeless relationship



## Rita25 (18 d ago)

Hi, new here. Been to therapists and talked to friends but have gotten no new insights so trying this. Appreciate any feedback or insight from men especially, as I’ll explain below why I’m looking for advice. Yes, I realize if I just come out and bring up the subject w him it might be easier than guessing BUT last few times I tried, it ended w him feeling less than and me feeling like I’m asking too much….

We’ve been together for 18 years. I met him at a time when I really needed some support as my parents had moved away and I was left behind to take care of my grandfather, whom I was very close with and had dementia. Tough times for someone who was only 23, still a virgin and needed someone to be a friend and supportive. He was nice, cute and didn’t push for sex, which made me respect him. First time we did it, lasted 15 seconds and he got soft during plus the condom came off and I was then pissed he continued because I was not on the pill at the time. Kisses were not as I hoped either..my preference is soft and sensual, his style is open mouth and aggressive. But I thought he’s nice and helps me w my grandpa and we had fun together so we kept on dating.

A year into it, I tried suggesting to be more gentle and attentive and say how I liked things but mostly he shied away from touching. We tried having sex a few more times but he couldn’t stay hard and make out sessions were not good. In the first 5 years dating, we probably tried to have sex 5-10 times only and he told me he didn’t like me in certain positions (on top, which I like) and it never ended in me getting anywhere near the promised land. I felt cheated… I waited like a “good girl” and found this nice guythat everyone loved (my parents, my friends) that was gorgeous and had a great job that cared for me but was starting to feel nothing for him. I noticed he did not care for himself sometimes and didn’t keep nether parts clean like one might expect. That turned me off more. Then he asked me to marry him 7 years in. I said ok and now it’s 18 years later and we haven’t kissed or touched or even made naughty remarks in 7-8 years. He doesn’t ask why we haven’t planned the wedding and I certainly can’t go through with it knowing I’m now 41 and still basically a virgin and I now look at him like a brother! Love him lots and we laugh and have a dog. No kids. Good jobs. Travel. But no intimacy. No sex. No passion. Nothing and I was about to pop from lack of sexy anything.

I did have a moment of weakness and cheated with a man I saw often at work, who seduced me. I am not proud and do not plan on sharing this w him. No need to hurt his feelings. I feel horrible I gave in to feel wanted. Sexy. To feel like someone was turned on by me. It was exciting and wrong and I’m still ashamed 4 years later. But it did teach me one thing - that sex could be amazing. I am not condoning what I did but if I get hit by a bus, least I can say I experienced it.

Now my question.. now I had addressed the lack
of sex several times throughout the years. I pushed him to go to a dr and he got some pills and said the dr mentioned it might be a blood flow thing. But he didn’t keep w it and was very uncomfortable talking about it so I let it go. He tried to convince me sex usually only lasts 2 minutes tops and that my friends and the movies exaggerate. I said I like to be on top and he said he hates that way. Then I brought up how we don’t cuddle or kiss or anything and it turned into another awkward conversation that made him almost cry and tell me how he loves me. I know he does. But I’m
Questioning what else to try or do? I’ve had a close friend suggest maybe he’s gay? I’ve thought maybe he’s asexual? Or is it just the ED that he’s embarrassed about that I wish he would be upfront about? He gets jealous too if he thinks I think another guy on TV is hot so what gives?

I don’t want to hurt his feelings but I am getting older and we’ve been engaged like 12 years. I do fear being alone for the rest of my life if I leave but also fear I’m missing out on the good stuff and intimacy. Think I’m romanticizing passion and being in love a bit too much here lately but I really need that bond and think if it hasn’t gotten better for us in 18 years (granted I gave up 5 years ago and never brought up anything again and he sure hasn’t) it probably won’t ever happen. We never had passion or chemistry so thinking it won’t happen now. Yes, I’m not talking to him about it yet because i fear it will be the beginning of the endif I do and right now, life is too crazy to definitely end it.

lots to read. Sorry but wanted to paint the picture. Thanks in advance for any advice.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I was thinking when reading your post that maybe he IS gay and won't admit it, even to himself.
You certainly should be having sex with your husband.
Do you know -- does he watch porn? Does he masturbate?

Since he can't seem to talk to you directly, then maybe try marriage or sex therapists (or both) -- that third party referee may help move the conversations along.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

jlg07 said:


> I was thinking when reading your post that maybe he IS gay and won't admit it, even to himself.
> You certainly should be having sex with your husband.
> Do you know -- does he watch porn? Does he masturbate?
> 
> Since he can't seem to talk to you directly, then maybe try marriage or sex therapists (or both) -- that third party referee may help move the conversations along.


he had some porn I found once. Straight Porn and nothing crazy but that was like 15 years ago. Not sure if he gets off alone but I can say I’ve certainly had to.

And we’re not married. Might as well be but even though I have the ring (which I have not worn in forever and he doesn’t even care) I just could never set a date to marry someone without passion.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Sorry, but there are just too many problems here. Go look in a mirror and ask yourself if you really want to live this way the rest of your life. It only gets worse. There are many desirable guys out there whose ex-wives have gone cold on them who would love to give you the sex you want. Don't wait too long or you may lose the opportunity. Don't cheat. Do it the right way by ending the relationship with him first. (You obviously don't think that much of him since you allowed another man to "seduce" you.)


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

Sfort said:


> Don't cheat. Do it the right way by ending the relationship with him first. (You obviously don't think that much of him since you allowed another man to "seduce" you.)


Sad thing is you’re right and I feel horrible that I did cheat. Even more sad that I felt like his lack of want made me resentful enough to go thru with the affair.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Rita25 said:


> Sad thing is you’re right and I feel horrible that I did cheat. Even more sad that I felt like his lack of want made me resentful enough to go thru with the affair.


You're new here, and we will be BRUTALLY honest. If you want help, accept our "mean" treatment and stick around. One of the most important things that you will learn here is that cheating is *100%* on the cheater. You don't get to blame anything on him. You should have split up with him before screwing another guy.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sex is important in a relationship, and if you really don't feel passionate towards your fiance, you should probably consider ending it after all this time. If you get married, it won't magically improve, so for your sake and his, you both could find partners that you'd be more compatible with.

And what Sfort said. 😌 My concern for you OP is that you will continue on with him, because he sounds like a great guy and you both enjoy the relationship otherwise, but you may be tempted again into more affairs, as this relationship definitely doesn't satisfy you in a passionate/intimate way. It would be far better for you to end this than continue on and get married, knowing that you're not happy.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

Please Be honest. I was. I wrote that I cheated and didn’t have to mention it. Not big news it was my fault that I cheated. It’s not impacting anything before it or after it in my 18 year relationship and I was more hoping to gain insight or consider something I had not thought of before.

I am not in a position to leave right now and have not been since becoming the main caregiver of my Mom since losing my Dad a few years ago. Financially and physically exhausted doesn’t exactly make you want to pack up and call it DOA when you’re good friends and support each other.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I’m not really sure what you’re asking. Nothing is going to change after 18 years. You two are not in a romantic relationship. You are great friends. While reading this I also instantly thought that he’s gay. If you’re not going to leave and are too afraid of hurting his feelings to discuss this in depth, I’m not sure what other avenues there are to take besides accepting a life of friendship with zero sex or romance. Remember though, he’s not too afraid of hurting your feelings by depriving you of a normal life with a partner. Whatever is going on with him, he owes you the truth before you lose another decade. You only get one life. You’ve already lost 18 years. 18 years! You have to have the talk. You’ve lost any sense of normalcy in your 20’s and 30’s. That’s very sad.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear Rita25.

Wow. You really do have a choice: (1) End your relationship with him or (2) start a process to have a relationship that results is a good marriage. I don't think continue as you are is a good idea, in fact you should have made this choice a long time ago.

My suggestion is to talk to him and tell him that you would like to be married to him and that you would like to develop a passionate and sexual relationship for your marriage. I was in a Sex Starved marriage and my wife and I worked with a marriage counselor who was also a board certified sex therapist. The ST was fantastic, she helped reintroduce sensual touch and sex back into our marriage and helped us learn how to talk about sex and various topics that were difficult to talk about. That was a little over a decade ago that our marriage was saved.

In my opinion, you and your partner (after all these years his is much more than just a friend) need to either turn your relationship into something that resembles a marriage or end it. You started down the road of accepting a marriage proposal and probably announced that to the world. So either move forward or end it.

Good luck.

P.S. Blood flow in the penis can be an early warning sign of all kinds of horrible medical issues. Urge him to seek medical treatment and follow his doctor's advice.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

You made the classic mistake a lot of women make....You picked a partner for the wrong reasons...You went the safe route...You wanted a Rottweiler and thought the cute little Maltese would suffice....Well....it didn't ....

There is nothing, IMO, that you can do at this point....The chances that you will turn this guy into what you want are about the equivalent of winning the lottery....Its not happening.... nor should he have to change for you...He is who he is...You knew this from day1....You even said it yourself....The best sex anyone will ever have is typically when you first meet and start to date.....and you had nothing....What made you think this would go any different than how it did? And quite frankly, you wasted a good portion of this poor guys life...

Now, you don't have the stones to leave, because you don't think you can afford to?? And there are people on here actually thinking that HE is the bad guy here? NO....He isn't the bad guy here....He is what he is, and you shouldn't have stayed with him thinking it would be different...

_"I met him at a time when I really needed some support as my parents had moved away and I was left behind to take care of my grandfather, whom I was very close with and had dementia. Tough times for someone who was only 23, still a virgin and needed someone to be a friend and supportive. He was nice, cute and didn’t push for sex, which made me respect him_"

This is what you said......And it tells you all you need to know....You picked a guy to prop you up(mistake number 1(, and not pushing for sex in a relationship isn't something to necessarily respect a guy for, in this case, its something to bring up a giant red flag(mistake number 2)....

This wont get better....Either accept that you can't bring yourself to leave(for finances, security, whatever), and continue this nonsense until sex wont matter for you anymore...Plenty of people do it, as dumb as it sounds... But don't whine about it....No one has the magic answer for you...because its not there...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*



My suggestion is to talk to him and tell him that you would like to be married to him and that you would like to develop a passionate and sexual relationship for your marriage.

Click to expand...

*Gee, I'll bet she's never tried THAT in the 18 long years of hell she's endured with this emotionally and physically stunted man-child.  I think you missed the part in the OP's post where she says she's tried to have NUMEROUS talks with him but they've never ended well.

The time for 'talking' is OVER.

Your boyfriend is just one big science experiment *gone wrong*. You've wasted 18 years on this guy, why the hell are you still with him? You're afraid of being alone so you put up with this nonsense? Seriously?

This nonsense has been going on for 18 years. Do you honestly think that year 19 is going to be a miracle year and he's suddenly going to become everything you've dreamed about for the last wasted 18 years?

Jesus. Put down the hopium pipe and read the *writing on the wall*. Seriously. Stop wasting your time on this dud. Maybe he "identifies" as one of the countless non-heterosexual 'sexualities' that the Alphabet Gang has made up (they come up with a new sexuality/identity almost every week - that's why they've had to add plusses "++" at the end of LGBQ). Maybe he's better off with those who understand him.

STOP WASTING YOUR TIME!!!


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Some of these responses are utterly ridiculous...

And the gender bias is obvious......Reverse the roles and the responses would be totally different....The'd be crucifying the guy for expecting too much and cheating on the poor woman...

This is NOT his fault....He is exactly who she met....If anyone should be angry at this point, its the guy,...Not only did she expect him to be whatever she wanted(despite knowing in advance what he was)..she effed around on him....I don't even think it was a single time, either....

.......and then whines about it? FOH with that nonsense...

Stop wasting HIS time is more like it........


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

hamadryad said:


> Some of these responses are utterly ridiculous...
> 
> And the gender bias is obvious......Reverse the roles and the responses would be totally different....The'd be crucifying the guy for expecting too much and cheating on the poor woman...
> 
> ...


HE refuses to have a conversation about it. She has tried numerous times. I don’t think the conversation would be different at all of the genders were reversed. Men are consistently told to leave women for refusing to have sex on this forum. How is she wasting his time? All of his needs seem to be met. An adult who loves someone is willing to have those hard conversations. However, she knew what she was getting into and she signed up for this and has made this choice for 18 years. But I hardly think she’s wasted his time. And of course she shouldn’t have cheated. She should have left. 18 years ago. I highly doubt he would even care that she cheated, but he should be told and given the chance to make his own choices. Bad behavior all around.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Teacherwifemom said:


> HE refuses to have a conversation about it. She has tried numerous times. I don’t think the conversation would be different at all of the genders were reversed. Men are consistently told to leave women for refusing to have sex on this forum. How is she wasting his time? All of his needs seem to be met. An adult who loves someone is willing to have those hard conversations. However, she knew what she was getting into and she signed up for this and has made this choice for 18 years. But I hardly think she’s wasted his time. And of course she shouldn’t have cheated. She should have left. 18 years ago. I highly doubt he would even care that she cheated, but he should be told and given the chance to make his own choices. Bad behavior all around.



Again.......

Would you keep a rattlesnake for a pet, then complain that it bit you and put you in the hospital? If you did, you would be considered an idiot, right ???

Well...That's exactly what she did....She knew exactly what she picked(probably used him as an emotional crutch and for her own financial gain) and now is complaining about it...He is what he is...She knew it from day one...In this case, there was no "bait and switch" like you hear a lot about ....nothing changed...

And SHE is absolutely wasting his life/time...She should let him know she effed someone else, and tell him she is out....Let him know that he isn't the man she wants and wasn't from the get go... and maybe both of them find someone else that is more suitable...


[QUOTE="Rita25, post: 20680364, member: 358889"

I am not in a position to leave right now and have not been since becoming the main caregiver of my Mom since losing my Dad a few years ago. Financially and physically exhausted doesn’t exactly make you want to pack up and call it DOA when you’re good friends and support each other.
[/QUOTE]

In other words," let me vent about this guy, but I am not going anywhere, I can't handle it on my own"


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I actually agree with the poster saying this isn't on the OP's husband. Over the years I have seen posts from a lot of men on here complaining about how they expected to have an amazing sex life when they married a woman that would only do missionary and has an aversion to oral sex. What exactly were they expecting after a decade? Flying monkey trapeze sex? Not at all realistic. I think the OP's husband has the same attitude the women in this situation have. Why should they change? I don't really feel this is a bait and switch scenario. Especially since I get the feeling she knew she was signing up for bad or no sex since the beginning and has chosen to endure it. To me it just sounds like she is tired of it now. The OP needs to decide if this is the life she wants.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Rita25 said:


> Please Be honest. I was. I wrote that I cheated and didn’t have to mention it. Not big news it was my fault that I cheated. It’s not impacting anything before it or after it in my 18 year relationship and I was more hoping to gain insight or consider something I had not thought of before.
> 
> I am not in a position to leave right now and have not been since becoming the main caregiver of my Mom since losing my Dad a few years ago. Financially and physically exhausted doesn’t exactly make you want to pack up and call it DOA when you’re good friends and support each other.


You have to just be real with yourself and honest with your fiancé, at this point - that you don’t really see marriage in your futures. Maybe he doesn’t either because it’s odd that he’s stayed in this stagnant place for 18 years, too, to be honest. 

Maybe it’ll be a weight lifted off both of your shoulders and you can support each other financially until you’re both able to move on. He may be sad too, hard to say but after years of being engaged and no wedding plans, I wouldn’t be surprised if he is understanding and just didn’t want to lose you, so he too never spoke up.

It’s never too late to do the right thing and that is to be completely honest with your fiancé.


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## CPJay4now (1 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Sorry, but there are just too many problems here. Go look in a mirror and ask yourself if you really want to live this way the rest of your life. It only gets worse. There are many desirable guys out there whose ex-wives have gone cold on them who would love to give you the sex you want. Don't wait too long or you may lose the opportunity. Don't cheat. Do it the right way by ending the relationship with him first. (You obviously don't think that much of him since you allowed another man to "seduce" you.)


I agree there are too many negative variables in this relationship. Has she asked him if he found/finds her attractive? When it comes to poor hygiene, that is a big no-no. Sex/intercourse/coitus, regardless of how we view it, should have a bit of excitement and fun within it, and I agree, about a few 5 through 15 or 20 seconds. Still, those few seconds should be part of the ending, just like in a movie, the climax is at the end, but the movie is about 1 to 2 hours.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

ReformedHubby said:


> I actually agree with the poster saying this isn't on the OP's husband. Over the years I have seen posts from a lot of men on here complaining about how they expected to have an amazing sex life when they married a woman that would only do missionary and has an aversion to oral sex. What exactly were they expecting after a decade? Flying monkey trapeze sex? Not at all realistic. I think the OP's husband has the same attitude the women in this situation have. Why should they change? I don't really feel this is a bait and switch scenario. Especially since I get the feeling she knew she was signing up for bad or no sex since the beginning and has chosen to endure it. To me it just sounds like she is tired of it now. The OP needs to decide if this is the life she wants.


It's definitely not on the husband, he is who he is. She needs to be ok with who he is or, better yet...I love you but I am not in love with you - time.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

To clear it up… I am NOT financially dependent on him. I make 200k+. We both do. It is a very good friendship that ends there. We spend money and treat ourselves but that has gotten old to me and I need the whole package. Have said it for years in fact since we met but it’s not easy to muck up a life shared together - sex or not

Prior to our meeting years ago, I was taken advantage of and to find a man who didn’t just want a fling, free night out in a nice car (always had Porches), BJ or to eff meant he liked me. I just figured the sex would come because I thought allMen have to have it sooner or later. But it never did and we were too good of friends at that point.

Not blaming here as we are both responsible. Yes, I cheated and I planned to leave but things went down in my life that made that close to impossible which I do not need to share here as it is irrelevant to the story.

Thanks for those that posted thoughtful comments. I’m reading each one throughly and with a lot of consideration. I need a change. My anxiety is through the roof and my depression is out of control. Pills, therapy, alcohol… none of it helps so I’m trying my best to get the pieces in order and make sense of what to do next.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

It is never going to change, OP. This is who he is and who he has always been. 

You have stayed for the wrong reasons, and it's *beyond* time to end this. Set him free. Set yourself free. Don't waste more time mulling over the why's. They aren't relevant anymore.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> To clear it up… I am NOT financially dependent on him. I make 200k+. We both do. It is a very good friendship that ends there. We spend money and treat ourselves but that has gotten old to me and I need the whole package. Have said it for years in fact since we met but it’s not easy to muck up a life shared together - sex or not
> 
> Prior to our meeting years ago, I was taken advantage of and to find a man who didn’t just want a fling, free night out in a nice car (always had Porches), BJ or to eff meant he liked me. I just figured the sex would come because I thought allMen have to have it sooner or later. But it never did and we were too good of friends at that point.
> 
> ...


Listen if you were a man people would have flooded your thread with divorce hims.....

Thing is he is not likely to change. If there is going to be any chance of change it will probably be only when you decide to leave/divorce. Then he may attempt a change to try to save the marriage. He maybe latent gay, he may have sexual physical issues but he isn't interested in fixing them.

Most marriages are expected to have a sexual component you aren't a bad person for desiring that. 

You could also do the unconventional thing and ask for permission to seek sex elsewhere if you wanted. Women in general do not have trouble finding sexual partners. Thing is do you really just want sex in addition to what you have? Or would you like the opportunity for a full relationship. There is no guarantees. Quality men are hard to find. Even harder as you age. So you if you do leave you may not find what you are looking for.. But isn't a chance at a full life better than living a 1/2 life?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

No kids
No ring
No financial worries.

Most people all you would see of them is their ass, their elbows, and their tail lights.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Thing is do you really just want sex in addition to what you have? Or would you like the opportunity for a full relationship. There is no guarantees. Quality men are hard to find. Even harder as you age. So you if you do leave you may not find what you are looking for.. But isn't a chance at a full life better than living a 1/2 life?


This. A million times. This. Risking growing old with a best friend in our later years vs dying alone. Being dramatic but yeah, that is why I’m still chugging along.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

Rita25 said:


> This. A million times. This. Risking growing old with a best friend in our later years vs dying alone. Being dramatic but yeah, that is why I’m still chugging along.


Well then, there you have it. You have made your decision. Nobody gets everything that they want and the things that we do get comes at a cost. You have decided that having a roommate and not being alone is more important than having sex. Nothing wrong with that. Accept it for what it is and move on. And BTW, you are not engaged. There is no engagement unless there is a ring and a date so you are free to do whatever is most important to you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> This. A million times. This. Risking growing old with a best friend in our later years vs dying alone. Being dramatic but yeah, that is why I’m still chugging along.


Aren't you dying alone now???

If you want someone in your house that you can talk to and help with the rent and utilities and someone to help put away the dishes, you can put an ad on Craigslist for a roommate. 

Romance/sexuality is what makes our special someone special and separates that relationship from all others. 

This guy just isn't into sex. There are people in this world that have mojo, embrace passion and intimacy and love sexual energy and chemistry. It's an actual value to them. They love it, they seek it and probably most importantly, they nurture it and feed it and care for it when they find it. 

And there are some people that simply do not have that in them. They don't value it, they don't seek it, they don't care if it withers on the vine and dies. It just does not hold any value or any place in their lives. 

If you have a want for intimacy and passion and desire and even an orgasm with another person in your life and want someone to gaze upon you with desire and touch you with pleasure and awe - you are simply going to have to find that with someone else. 

"Talking" does not good because you can't talk to a bulldog and convince him to win a dog race with greyhounds or talk him into jumping into cold water to retrieve a duck that you have shot out of the sky. A bulldog was not bred and designed for those purposes and this guy was not designed to desire you or embrace you sexually. 

Your greatest fear is dying alone at the end of your lifespan. We all get that. It's not founded on reality and there's no reason that should happen, but we all understand that people can feel that way. 

But the problem here is you are dying alone NOW at a time when you should be the most alive and living your best life. 

If you have to die alone (which you don't), would you rather die alone at 85 after living a rich and full life for the second half of your life?

Or do you prefer to continue to keep coasting through life on autopilot as the walking dead and essentially dying alone each day as go nowhere?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> Sad thing is you’re right and I feel horrible that I did cheat. Even more sad that I felt like his lack of want made me resentful enough to go thru with the affair.


Were you actually resentful or simply willing to take the chance and that chance didn't pan out? 

What was the reason that you didn't leave for the other guy? Was he married and not willing to leave his wife? Was he just looking for a hook up and didn't want a relationship with you?

Or were you the one that didn't want the relationship with him? If so, why??

The reason I ask is because from my worldview (I am one of those people I mentioned above that highly values sexual energy/chemistry) your relationship is the aberrency and travesty and your fling was the break through in normality. 

Why did you not pursue a relationship with the other guy?


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> Were you actually resentful or simply willing to take the chance and that chance didn't pan out?
> 
> What was the reason that you didn't leave for the other guy? Was he married and not willing to leave his wife? Was he just looking for a hook up and didn't want a relationship with you?
> 
> ...


He had seduced me and I in turn had fallen for him. It was part resentment and part “maybe this could be something” 

He was divorced and for over 2 years we flirted and kissed and met now and then for meals and long talks. We really only slept together 4 times in that time. He had kids and prior commitments of the like but his hot and cold attitude and the reservations I felt along with that ended up proving he didn’t want anything serious in the end. Found out the hard way and it kind of sadly proved to me that maybe a best friend was better than nothing. I hate it all now and that I did it but it was the passion I had always hoped for so can’t say I regret it for that reason. It’s all just sad really. He really hurt me and it kind of convinced me that a) maybe I should just stay put with a best friend and b) that I deserved all the hurt that happened when he told me I was “just for fun”


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> Aren't you dying alone now???
> 
> If you want someone in your house that you can talk to and help with the rent and utilities and someone to help put away the dishes, you can put an ad on Craigslist for a roommate.
> 
> ...


Very thoughtful response here - thank you. I have become obsessed with romantic movies and seeing a man really fall for a woman and just WANT her. Aside from my stupid fling, I’ve never had that. So what you said resonated with me because I am dying inside every night when we sleep in different bedrooms and don’t even say good night. My guy will hug me and try to comfort mebut again, as a friend, not a lover. I’ll get flowers now and then and cards that say he loves me and I know he does (and I love him and say it too) but it’s just not enough to not be IN LOVE so I am literally dying everyday. Getting older everyday. It’s mentally taxing as you mention and due to this and many other reasons, I’ve got serious depression and anxiety issues that have arisen. None of it is helpful for any progress.

I just think at this point I’ve romanticized it all so much that maybe it only does happen in the movies?! Why else are there boards like this for people like me to ask total strangers for advice and insight?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rita25 said:


> This. A million times. This. Risking growing old with a best friend in our later years vs dying alone. Being dramatic but yeah, that is why I’m still chugging along.


The thing is, people stay in crap relationships for decades because they don't want to be "old and die alone" but then end up widowed and "old and alone" anyway. 🤣

People get sick, people die, people get Alzheimers, and they often do it unexpectedly and years or decades earlier than a spouse. 

Being married is NO GUARANTEE you aren't going to end up being widowed or with someone incapacitated in your 70s or 80s.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This blade, the one that cut the ribbon, with the cover now falling; has exposed the naked man , having a perennial flaccid penis, is two sided.

It cuts both ways.

OP's SO is asexual, she is lusty and mercenary. These are the two sides of the blade, of the moral.

A good thing can be said about our OP, she is not selfish, she lives and sacrifices for her mother, her father, now passed.

She claims to be financially exhausted. Those medical bills must be astronomical.

Believable. 

Her mother needs to be put in a long term facility with Social Security taking the brunt of the bills.

Alas, she won't do this.
Hence she suffers. 

No intimacy, no PIV.
And trapped, in a dying spiral with her mother at the center.

She needs a KISA, one with financial means, and oe
owning and sharing a hard penis.

I think she needs to move out and get a visiting nurse. Let the govt pay part of the bill.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> He really hurt me and it kind of convinced me that a) maybe I should just stay put with a best friend and b) that I deserved all the hurt that happened when he told me I was “just for fun”


You don't find gold without digging through some dirt. 

You've kind of insulated yourself and in so doing have also isolated yourself and kind of rendered yourself intolerant of any discomfort or uncertainty. 

All success is preceded by various degrees of discomfort and uncertainty. Courage is not the lack of fear and uncertainty. The courageous have just as much fear and uncertainty as the coward, the courageous do what needs to be done anyway. 
You know how if you cut your finger and you put on a bandaid that after awhile the skin under the bandaid around the cut becomes hypersensitive and it is kind of a nauseating, quasi-painful feeling if anything touches that skin when you try to take the bandaid off? 

Here's what happens with your skin under a bandaid. Your skin WANTS to feel what is going on around you. It's what skin does. If feels whether it is warm or cold and tells us if we need to put on a coat or take off a layer to preserve our body temperature. It tells us if something is poking us or scratching us or burning us etc so we can pull away and prevent further harm. It gives us pleasure if someone is loving us and touching us and kissing us and licking or sucking or nibbling on us. And it gives us pain if something is hurting us so we can take action to prevent further harm. 

Now a bandaid can help cover a wound to help stop the bleeding and help protect it from getting dirty and infected etc and can help heal. BUT, if we leave it on, the skin underneath becomes blocked from feeling the outside world which is what it is supposed to do.  Since it is being blocked from external sensation, it tries to become MORE sensitive so it can feel what is going on on the other side of the bandaid. It becomes HYPERsensitive. It becomes hypersensitive and so when that barrier to external stimuli is removed (or in your case ATTEMPTED to be removed) All of those nerve endings are all on hyper alert and are firing out of control in an exaggerated and out of control manner. 

But what happens after the bandaid has been off for awhile? Those nerve endings realize they are not being blocked anymore and they settle back down into their normal state of sensation. That quasi-painful, nauseating sensation you feel when anything touches it quickly subsides. 

I think you have had a couple cuts and scrapes that we all get in life, but what has happened in your case is you have wrapped a great big bandaid around your whole being and now everything that has been protected by that big bandaid is now all hypersensitive and feels nauseating for anything to touch it. 

The bandaid here is your friendship with this guy and your taking care of sick relatives. You have armored your psyche with those things to try to cover up your cuts and scrapes but in so doing, it has created the condition described above to where you become hypersensitive to anything taking place outside your barrier and you are overly sensitive to any stimuli and you are having an exaggerated response to where you want to quickly get back under that big bandaid. 

Most people have been bumped and scraped and cut and bruised by the time they're in their late teens and early 20s. They have learned to clean their wounds, slap the bandaid on until there's a good scab, then yank the bandaid off, endure that hypersensitive and nauseating feeling for a little while then get back in action. 

You''ve covered yourself in bandaids like a mummy in an attempt to avoid that hypersensitive, nauseating feeling forever. 

But in so doing, you have also created a barrier so that you also do not feel the sunlight on your face or a cool breeze blowing through your hair or soft fur and warmth of a cuddly kitten snuggling up against......... or the pleasure of a lover that wants and desires you stroking you and holding you close and kissing and nibbling you all over or sucking your toes and yes, throwing your legs over his shoulders and pounding hard and deep until you make sounds you didn't know could come out of you. 

Now, unwrapping the mummy you have cocooned yourself in will suck for awhile until your skin readjusts to the fresh air and normal levels of sensation. I'm not going to deny that. But when you get out and start experiencing the world, the hypersensitivity and exaggerated response will settle down into a normal and healthy level. 

Will you get bumps and bruises and cuts and scrapes out there? Yes. Yes you will. But you will survive and you will heal and you will be able to move on and experience the things you want.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> This blade, the one that cut the ribbon, with the cover now falling; has exposed the naked man , having a perennial flaccid penis, is two sided.
> 
> It cuts both ways.
> 
> ...


This just made me cry. No joke. Yes I have a great job and I’ve worked my *as off getting where I am to make the money I make. That said, when I do have to get Mom in a facility, she deserves the BEST money can buy. That’s 7k a month round these parts and for that I need to pitch in.
All part of the depression. Thank you for saying this. It really really hit home.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> You don't find gold without digging through some dirt.
> 
> You've kind of insulated yourself and in so doing have also isolated yourself and kind of rendered yourself intolerant of any discomfort or uncertainty.
> 
> ...


Amazing analogy. Just to add if I may, had quite a LOT of bumps and scrapes before and during my 20s. Just made my current bandaids “thicker” 

To your point, I don’t feel like I’m living and haven’t for some time now. I just go through the motions, take care of Mom and go to work. We all do, really. But what is missing is slowly killing me. Thus the bandaid put there to protect but has turned into an insulator as I’m not sure I even trust the outside world anymore. I don’t even go out w friends or the gym and haven’t in years to protect Mom from Covid. One might say I’m losing my mind to keep everyone else status quo. But I digress… 

I’ve also become obsessed with my looks. Botox, filler, eating healthy and doing whatever I can to hold on to a more youthful look. Not overkill. Still look natural but attractive so that someone will desire me. I must admit the story you mentioned above with someone desiring me that much painted quite the visual treat! TY!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> This blade, the one that cut the ribbon, with the cover now falling; has exposed the naked man , having a perennial flaccid penis, is two sided.
> 
> It cuts both ways.
> 
> ...


I'm going to take this a step or two (or million) further. I am approaching 59. I have lived and loved and climbed mountains and jumped out of airplanes and have had 3somes and orgies. I have delivered babies and have watched the elderly take their last breath.

My kids are 18 and almost 21 and are at the cusp of life. 

I will die in a cardboard box under a bridge in the pouring rain before I will let my kids put their lives on hold to mash up my pills in applesauce to feed me or wipe my backside. 

IMHO if some parent makes their kids not live their life in order to feed and wipe the parent's ass, they are shtty parent (literally) and an asshole. 

My job as an organism on earth is to produce the next generation and raise them to self-sufficient adulthood. Once I've accomplished that I can die. It would be nice if I could give them some meaningful assistance with their offspring, but the role of parents is to bear, care for and raise offspring until the offspring becomes self sufficient. Then it's time to either help with the next generation if able or get the fck out of the way. 

In this case the " parent" is even playing a role in preventing the OP from finding love and producing the next generation. May lightning strike her down.


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## Rita25 (18 d ago)

oldshirt said:


> I'm going to take this a step or two (or million) further. I am approaching 59. I have lived and loved and climbed mountains and jumped out of airplanes and have had 3somes and orgies. I have delivered babies and have watched the elderly take their last breath.
> 
> My kids are 18 and almost 21 and are at the cusp of life.
> 
> ...


Never. Stop the lightning. Now.

My mother endured many hardships. Worked hard for me to have a nice life and get me moving in this world. Now she has dementia progressing and is confused. Last Year she fought cancer. It has not been easy for either of us. It is my choice to help and support her. She did for me and now I do for her.

She is not the reason I’m in a sexless relationship. It is just a secondary stressor to the situation and should not be a focus. I do thank you for your words of encouragement.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> To your point, I don’t feel like I’m living and haven’t for some time now. I just go through the motions, take care of Mom and go to work. We all do, really. But what is missing is slowly killing me. Thus the bandaid put there to protect but has turned into an insulator as I’m not sure I even trust the outside world anymore.


I have a homework assignment for you. 

There is a podcast called, "Dying For Sex." It is about a woman named Molly who was roughly 40 years old, professional career, married to a "nice" and dutiful , but moreless platonic husband. A life that many would envy and strive for. 

Then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. When many would cling to their partner and hold on to as much safety and security as possible and have him hold her hand as she slips away,, she did the opposite. She left and divorced her husband, signed up on a bunch of dating and sex apps and started hooking up with people she hadn't met before. 

She was open and honest that she was dying and was not looking for a LTR or any kind of commitment. 

Her perspective was, and I will quote,, "Sexuality is the antithesis of death." Sexuality is what brings life into the world and what drives us to live. When our sexuality runs out and we no longer care or feel any sexual instinct - we die. 

She was literally dying but still felt the want and desire for passion and desire and chemistry and she hadn't had that will her husband for quite some time even though he was a very pleasant and supportive friend and domestic partner. 

She released him to find someone that did desire him and who he would desire and who he could be with long term as she only had a limited time left. 

She went on a journey seeking passion and chemistry and feeling alive. She had some hot and passionate encounters. She had some strange and kinky encounters. She had some flops and failures. And she had some very touching and intimate and personal experiences. 

Now of course this is not for everyone and some people would find what she did horrifying and even immoral and sinful. And I am certainly not encouraging you to just throw all caution into the wind and start meeting up with strangers on the internet in back alleys (she actually went about it as safe and responsible as she could) 

But rather I think you should listen to a few of her podcasts for perspective. She was your age when handed an actual bona fide death sentance and she had to make the harsh decision on how to live the last few years of her life (she did in fact die)

You are walking dead right now but with no end date or life expectancy given. You could get hit by a bus tomorrow, or you could carry on another 40-50 years. 

Either way, is this where you want to be?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rita25 said:


> Never. Stop the lightning. Now.
> 
> My mother endured many hardships. Worked hard for me to have a nice life and get me moving in this world. Now she has dementia progressing and is confused. Last Year she fought cancer. It has not been easy for either of us. It is my choice to help and support her. She did for me and now I do for her.
> 
> She is not the reason I’m in a sexless relationship. It is just a secondary stressor to the situation and should not be a focus. I do thank you for your words of encouragement.


If she has worked and sacrificed and strived for you to get you moving and have a nice life, then she also wants you to love and live and yes have orgasms (real orgasms... with another person ) 

The dementia may have taken away her ability to process and verbalize this to you, but she feels it in her heart and soul as a mother. 

No one is saying to abandon her or ever let her be cold, hungry or lonely. We are still commanded to honor our mother and father. 

But we are saying, do not use her as an excuse to not live your own life or to not pursue your own best interests. As parents, we want the best for our children and for them to live their lives to fullest and to not allow ourselves to get in the way of that. 

Honor her by living your life to the fullest.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rita25 said:


> We’ve been together for 18 years. I


So you are not actually formally married. Correct?



Rita25 said:


> He doesn’t ask why we haven’t planned the wedding and I certainly can’t go through with it knowing I’m now 41 and still basically a virgin and I now look at him like a brother!


Exactly. You can be friends with him without being married. 



Teacherwifemom said:


> Nothing is going to change after 18 years. You two are not in a romantic relationship. You are great friends.


Exactly.

My advice is to just tell him you don’t want to marry him. Start looking for a partner interested and able to romance you. You have a right to happiness. He had 18 years to make that happen. You cannot fix him.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Rita25 said:


> This. A million times. This. Risking growing old with a best friend in our later years vs dying alone. Being dramatic but yeah, that is why I’m still chugging along.


Except he could kick the bucket when you are 70 and you live another 30 years alone. Risk of staying stuck is certain. More years like the last 18.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Except he could kick the bucket when you are 70 and you live another 30 years alone. Risk of staying stuck is certain. More years like the last 18.


Yeah that's what I said, too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Rus47 said:


> . Risk of staying stuck is certain. More years like the last 18.


Let me reword the above to be more blunt. 

If you move on with your own life, there is no guarantee that you will find love and passion (although it is probable that you will do better than you have now) 

But if you remain, you are GUARANTEED that you will be stuck where you are now and even that will likely get worse over time.


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