# any hope?



## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

Hi, 
not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need help/advice....
If I told the whole story Id be typing for weeks but basically during our 9.5yrs of marriage I was not a great husband for the first 8.. I worked too much, I spent too much time doing my "own thing" & neglected what I should have been nurturing... I have never touched another woman I was just basically been an ******* to the woman i loved... 
She would occasionally have a moment of emotional weakness with someone either online or via text but never physical, I 100% believe her.
We have both said some horrible things to each other which we can never take back.
Recently I have had terrible guilt over the way I had treated her (things had been perfect for at least last 10months by the way) & started to become massively insecure over the fact that she wants to go out on the town occasionally with her friends.
For some reason I saw this as much more than what it really is... 
This has caused many fights & today she told me its over... I left the house for a few hours, sat in the car & eventually returned home to tell her I will not give up on her or us. We have 2 beautiful daughters & I believe in our marriage vows & that ANYTHING can be overcome.
My wife wont talk to me, she says I am just being my normal controlling self (I am controlling which is another area I am working on), she says I am just trying to use guilt when I say about our daughters... maybe I am but this is about more then just us two, right?
I dont know what my post is really getting at but I just want some advice...
is there any hope? should i leave my wife, daughters, home to give her time to breathe? can these things be resolved?
I dont want to live my life without this woman, for all my faults (& there are plenty) she is the only person in this world Ive ever truly loved...
i'm not willing to just accept that the woman who was telling me 8 weeks ago i was her soulmate, she loves me unconditionally, she adores me and so on has just given up....
please help...


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## tryinghardtomakethiswork (Sep 15, 2012)

I find that sometimes when I get really mad about something, I need space to work it out. My husband doesn't always understand this and I find that the more you push and smother, the more you push a person away. Give her some time and let her figure out her issue.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

but do i leave the house for a few days or just give her space whilst we're both at home?
i cant afford a hotel, i dont want to impose on my parents....

I dont want to lose her.....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

D.Jones said:


> Hi,
> not sure if this is the right place to post this but I need help/advice....
> If I told the whole story Id be typing for weeks but basically during our 9.5yrs of marriage I was not a great husband for the first 8.. I worked too much, I spent too much time doing my "own thing" & neglected what I should have been nurturing... I have never touched another woman I was just basically been an ******* to the woman i loved...
> She would occasionally have a moment of emotional weakness with someone either online or via text but never physical, I 100% believe her.
> ...


How has she responded to the changes she's seen in you over the last 10 months? Did she initiate them or did you? 

Your best hope for reconciling may be to let her know that you won't give up on her, but will give her the independence she seems to want. (I'm not sure if she really does want that, which is why I posed the questions above.) 

You can also ask her what she would need to see in order to recommit herself, too, and let her know that you'll let her be your guide about the relationship.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

I think by how great the last 10months have been she had responded well... Our sex life went through the roof, we laughed together, we talked so much more & were best friends again... I knew & know I still have elements I need to change & i guess insecurity & guilt are the main ones hence the position we are in now?
I've over analysed her need for some independance so much that I've pushed her away......

I tried to ask her what I had to do to make her reconsider but she just replied with "theres nothing you can do, I've made my decision & its final"


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## tryinghardtomakethiswork (Sep 15, 2012)

For me, it works if my husband will just stay out of the room I'm "stewing" in. Usually in 30 minutes to an hour I have calmed down enough to go speak to him, and I try to apologize for anything I said that I shouldn't. Hope this helps  



D.Jones said:


> but do i leave the house for a few days or just give her space whilst we're both at home?
> i cant afford a hotel, i dont want to impose on my parents....
> 
> I dont want to lose her.....


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How sure are you that you don't have reason to worry about her going out partying?


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

Drover said:


> How sure are you that you don't have reason to worry about her going out partying?


Because i dont believe my worst fears are in her nature to be honest... she would go out once every other month maybe....


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

tryinghardtomakethiswork said:


> For me, it works if my husband will just stay out of the room I'm "stewing" in. Usually in 30 minutes to an hour I have calmed down enough to go speak to him, and I try to apologize for anything I said that I shouldn't. Hope this helps


Honestly, that's the alpha move anyway. A husband trying to argue with an emotional wife will lose every time, and even if you manage to win the argument, you lose. Always better to let her stew and act like it has no effect on you.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

D.Jones said:


> Because i dont believe my worst fears are in her nature to be honest... she would go out once every other month maybe....


If you really believe she could be going out to cheat, tell her "no" and don't argue about it. If not, then let it go. You can't control what she's going to do out there. You have to trust her. You're going to act all insecure and moody, and then let her go anyway. All you've done is made yourself look weak and untrusting.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

Drover said:


> If you really believe she could be going out to cheat, tell her "no" and don't argue about it. If not, then let it go. You can't control what she's going to do out there. You have to trust her. You're going to act all insecure and moody, and then let her go anyway. All you've done is made yourself look weak and untrusting.


Agreed. I don't want to look untrusting.... because in my heart I know that she's a loyal person. 
I think my issue lies with how I treated her & one day she'll "wake up & smell the coffee" (which she seems to have done today)


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

D.Jones said:


> I think by how great the last 10months have been she had responded well... Our sex life went through the roof, we laughed together, we talked so much more & were best friends again... I knew & know I still have elements I need to change & i guess insecurity & guilt are the main ones hence the position we are in now?
> I've over analysed her need for some independance so much that I've pushed her away......
> 
> I tried to ask her what I had to do to make her reconsider but she just replied with "theres nothing you can do, I've made my decision & its final"


This may or may not be true in the days and weeks to come. People who leave relationships, especially long ones, often don't realize just how many changes they're going to face and how hard it will be. 

She will have moments of weakness when she doubts herself and if you can be patient and remind her that your family wants what is best for her and that you love her enough to accept whatever choice she makes, I think you'll find her coming back to you if she knows you're being genuine.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> This may or may not be true in the days and weeks to come. People who leave relationships, especially long ones, often don't realize just how many changes they're going to face and how hard it will be.
> 
> She will have moments of weakness when she doubts herself and if you can be patient and remind her that your family wants what is best for her and that you love her enough to accept whatever choice she makes, I think you'll find her coming back to you if she knows you're being genuine.


To do this though I have to walk away from her, our daughters, our life.....


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

i've never felt so alone.... I feel like I have bought all this on myself, the years of not being a real husband & the recent weeks of being insecure & needy...
Ive changed so much about who i am to make things right, i know theres more I need to change but i cant just "love her less" to make her feel less smothered & controlled....

I'm heartbroken.....


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## DH1971 (Sep 15, 2012)

Hmm...sure there not more going on with her? She jumped to "It's over," a little too quickly.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

DH1971 said:


> Hmm...sure there not more going on with her? She jumped to "It's over," a little too quickly.


Dont get me wrong... this isn't an instant "its over!" its been building for maybe 8 weeks of my insecurity..... Whilst I admit I don't understand how you just bail on a marriage after 10months of bliss I honestly don't believe there is someone else... at least not physically...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By D Jones
> 
> Recently I have had *terrible guilt* over the way I had treated her (things had been perfect for at least last 10months by the way) & started to become *massively insecure *over the fact that she wants to go out on the town occasionally with her friends.
> 
> ...



It is good that you have realized your past mistakes and have been working at that. However, by what you have written *your excessive insecurity is killing the progress that you made.*

Stop all of your beating yourself up or at least keep it to yourself and away from your wife. Get some help with your insecurities but leave your wife out of your struggles. *Stop being a needy guilt ridden person that is overly insecure. *That is what is driving your wife away or she is interested in another person. In either case you getting stronger and showing it with positive actions is your best way to win her back.

You asked, “is there any hope”. If your wife is a woman that is dedicated to family and you take the right steps of course there is hope. Every good woman that I have known that is dedicated to family will give her husband another chance if he is correcting his wrongs and showing it by actions.


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

this morning she has told me she has felt this way for over a year & the last 10months of what I believe were bliss were in fact a front......
I came home last night to fight for her, us, our family & I feel my heart has just been ripped from my chest.....
I dont think theres anymore I can do


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## tryinghardtomakethiswork (Sep 15, 2012)

From what I've heard from you, you seem like you are desperately trying to hold this together...I get that. However, and please understand I am not trying to be harsh, but I can tell by your posts that you are smothering her. The more you push, the more she will pull away. Pull your emotions in check, back off of her, and stick to yourself for a few days. Stop rehashing it, take care of yourself, and take care of your kids.

You may not be able to change your mind, but this way you will know that you tried. Good luck


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## D.Jones (Oct 9, 2011)

Well.... Very bizarre up & down couple of weeks since I was last here...
After returning home & trying to stand my ground for the sake of marriage, love & our family I eventually realised the woman I love was in fact not staring back & me.
She did not want to listen & as I was again crumbling inside I decided to leave the home for the remainder of the day. I bought myself some cigarettes (hadn't smoked in 4 bloody days at this point!) & drove to an area I spent my childhood, parked the car and walked (and smoked, a lot). 
In these few hours I faced up to the fact that I couldn't change what my wife wanted & as all I'd ever tried to do was give her what she wanted I accepted it was over. I couldn't fight her anymore, I could see in her face she didn't want it anymore so I sent her a message basically saying I loved her immensely but I understood our time was over. I said I'd support her & the children in our home until new living arrangements were sorted & I thanked her for our time & our children......
I walked a lot more, smoked more than I walked then 2 hrs later I get
"David I don't know what I'm doing anymore 
Feel like I'm on pilot mode...
Please don't leave me....
Maybe we can do councilling
I want my man back
.. Our life x"

Of course... I'm overjoyed by this so I make my way home where my wife is stood at the front door wearing my cardigan & clearly has been crying for a while. She holds me tightly, she says she doesn't know what's wrong with her & she never, ever wants to be apart... All is great once again....

Until Tuesday..... By a complete and utter fluke a guy at work is looking at a website for married people looking for extra marital activities (unbeknown to me until he says) ... He says 'here mate, found a good sounding one down your neck (of the woods)!!! & points to a profile on the screen which instantly I realise IS my wife, 110% MY frickin wife, the same one who 2 days earlier is declaring her undying love for me, apologising for being so distant etc etc!!!!!!
I couldn't help myself, I found the profile on my phone & screenshot it, even noticing she was online for some time here & there...

I went home later that day trying to keep calm but I just couldn't. She asked if everyone was ok? I asked of she had anything to tell me & she said no, I said I'd ask one more time & she still said no & had no idea what I was talking about.... So I got my phone & read HER profile out to her....
Her faced dropped & she was understandably stunned. I didn't get angry, I questioned, I wanted answers as this is the 2nd time in a year! 

She opened the profile the day AFTER sending the 'please don't go' text, she said she'd watched a Gil
Called 'the wandering eye' about a similar website & was just curious.... She had spoken to various guys & had sent some pictures of herself to one (she says not nude or graphic).
She allowed me to read through the messages on this site & she then erased her profile.

She has been very remorseful & releatedly asked me not to leave her.... I love her massively despite everything but I'm lost, I don't want to leave but can I ever trust her again?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Whoa... so sorry to read this. I think your wife needs some professional help.

That's pretty strange behavior to be crying, begging you to come home to the next day be looking for a OM online. It's just not rational.

I don't think you should trust her at all. She hasn't done anything to earn your trust. It will take to time to rebuild that trust.

Personally I'd make sure my $$$ were safe, get checked for STD's and off to doctor for her and IC for you. Maybe MC if she is willing and you still want to rebuild with her.


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