# Need Advice - 1st relationship since divorce, am I making mistakes?



## Lost40

Hey all,
I could use some advice. I'm editing this to keep it shorter, I'm trying to get out the full picture here for best help.

I've known this guy now for almost 7 months now. He started out, being this wonderful guy... who, was almost everything I imagined it would be like, plus more. However... I've been thinking recently he might have a drinking problem (it's not changed, but I overlooked it early on). He says he doesn't, but... There comes a point, when you kind of know. But - I don't know what makes one an alcoholic. I don't have experience. I've researched it, but depending on the site you look at ... He is, or he "almost" is, or he isn't yet type of thing. He is definitely a high functioning - if he is. He has a good job, and works extremely hard in and out of his home. He has custody of his son, and is a very good Father. He does so much for me, and has helped around my farm an immense amount - I think he's done more for my place, these past 7 months, than my ex ever did - in 14 years. He never stops, he is constantly doing something - staying busy - can't sit still type. But he always has a Beer in hand, never without. 

He states, this has happened since his divorce, before that - he wasn't - only drank socially. He's been divorced 2.5 years now. He also is the victim of an affair (like me), but he was cheated on multiple times, she had many partners in her secret life. He gave her chance after chance, and then she finally turned around and divorced him - when she found the one she eventually married, 2 months later. Not only did she skip out on him, she skipped out on her 6 year old son - leaving him with his Dad - and making no effort to see him for almost 2 years (Now, she is), she took everything from him - the house, his business - everything. Said she wanted the Boy for visitation, but never would come get him. He clearly went into depression, and started drinking.

So, I've had hope for him. I had hope, he would stop. I too went into depression, and dealt with things my way - he dealt with things his. I was sure, that once he found someone he loved (which he claims he does love me) - that, he would back off having so many. I've asked him - many times. He tells me he will, and sometimes he does - slow down. If my son is here, he won't drink much at all... I won't allow it, and he knows this, he will have a few - which is fine, my son is used to that - everyone in my family drinks, almost every day - but 1 or max 2 only, except me - I never got into the habit. So, considering he can somewhat control the consumption - gives me hope.

The problem is, when son isn't here... He's usually drunk by the time it gets dark out - and, it's just not fun. It's like you're talking, but nobody is home. In the beginning, he obviously controlled himself... I knew he drank, but... his moods are starting to change. He's not mean, but he's impossible - if that makes any sense. Everything is your fault, never his. He will say something off the wall, you comment on it - and he gets mad about it, and then denies ever saying it - when he said it literally seconds ago. He gets upset easily, but doesn't really cause any problems or anything - just, gets upset. But, I will say - just as quickly as he gets upset, he quickly lets it go too. Until recently, now that's changing more to a he won't let things go... Even if I ask him, let's drop it. He won't. He wants to go on, and on about it.

I reached my breaking point a month or so ago, and told him I wasn't happy. I'm not okay with drinking to this level - Sure, I like to let loose from time to time, or at a party - But, this is insanity. I told him, you aren't who you were when we first met - you either hid it well, or you've let your guard down. You blame me for everything (and I still accept blame, like I did with ex - I have issues with that obviously) - and I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. He promised he would change, and he promised he would slow down - but he would never stop. It's who he is, and he likes to have Beer. I told him, within reason is fine. I know a lot of people who have A beer with dinner, or at night. But - drinking 6-7-8 - 16 ounce beers (not just the regular size) is too many. He agreed.

He's not held up his promise. He drinks just as many, and lacks what I'm looking for anymore. He isn't empathetic at all, he doesn't like to show affection like he used to, he never wants to go out (and that is b/c he knows he's drunk and shouldn't be in a car), he blames me - sometimes it might be OK, but most times not. Our sex life has become non-existent b/c he's usually too drunk to make things work. And, he's becoming more argumentative.

The problem is, I fell in love with him. He's a good person outside of that - he treated me so good, and still does when he is sober. He's been awesome to my son (b/c I don't allow drinking around him, so he's sober). He does so much for me, us and everyone around him. I mean, he is truly a good person - he has it in him. My family and friends love him, they don't know this side - I've not told them, I've told no one. Because, I know what that will be like.

I just don't know what more to do. He won't go get help, I know that - be/c he's in denial. He thinks its normal. He tells me that. Sometimes he'll admit to having too many sometimes - but, for the most part - it's all normal.

What do I do? I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time I'm afraid he will let the guard down again, and start drinking heavily around my son - and I don't want that. I find it sad, he does it around his son, but I can't control that... I can control what MY son see's though. Thankfully he hasn't seen anything, he's seen a beer or two - that's it.


----------



## hotshotdot

After being married to an alcoholic & working in a Substance Abuse Program for 5 years, I have come to this simple diagnostic test: does the drinking effect his life - work, legal, or relationships? If the answer to any of those is yes, then the drinking is a problem. It's not a matter of how much or how often, only how they behave when drinking & knowing this they drink anyway.


----------



## perol

Fall out of love with him.

He bait and switched you.

The guy you fell for does not exist. At least, not outside of your own head.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Red flag girlfriend. Your love and caring will not stop him nor motivate him. He has you by his side and he has his other crutch, alcohol.

During the honeymoon phase of any new relationship, there is a strong motivation to be at one's best, hence you did not see the normal him. As the honeymoon phase diminishes, he will devolve even further.

Remember to detach, take a step back to analyze your situation. Those attachment feelings will bring out your nurture side in order to protect him, even from himself. This makes you more attach and involved and traps you emotionally to try and save him.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
Form what website did you determine that a man who consumes 6-7-8 16oz. beers per evening, is usually drunk by sunset, so much so that he can't obtain/sustain an erection for sex and cannot go out to dinner because he is too drunk to drive as being "almost" an alcoholic? I suppose, according to this website, as long as you only kill one person a week then you are only "almost" a murderer.?. I fear you are refusing to see and accept reality. I do not mean to sound harsh but you could go to your local "hire-a-drunk" day labor pool and get basically what you have now with him.

Also, consider that whatever influence you have over his behavior is waning. In the beginning you wielded much but now, 7 months later, not so much. What happens when he no longer complies with your wish that he not drink around your son? Then what? I understand you believe that you have feelings for him but is it reciprocated? Whatever his feelings for you are his feelings for alcohol are stronger. If they were not he would be making love to you and not that beer bottle. I sincerely hope that you can see this before you get in so deeply that you feel trapped, if that has not occurred already. For the sake of you and your son I hope not. Good fortune to you, if you remain with him you may need it.


----------



## FeministInPink

Yes, he is an alcoholic. You've been together long enough that he feels like he can be himself, and the real him likes to get drunk every night.

This isn't healthy, and it's not going to get better. 

I recommend breaking up with him. You're not in love with HIM; you're in love with the image that he presented to you early on, and that man does not exist.


----------



## Lost40

I don't remember what website - it was some quiz, I filled out - and that was the results. But - I've since looked at more and it just seems, depending on my mood or answers - the result is often similar - but different. Perhaps, it is I - who was in denial somewhat. And, answered the questions half truthfully bc I didn't want to hear what I knew was true.... 

I wished I would've acted sooner than I did --- b/c now I've only prolonged, and made my addiction to him grow stronger. See, I knew better... my therapist told me, he said - the reason you don't want to get involved with anyone right now is b/c you're still hurting (this was 7 months ago, remember) from the loss of your marriage - and, when people get involved too soon - they overlook things, they normally wouldn't overlook - and then they get trapped or stuck in a bad relationship. Well, here -- I am. I didn't listen. I was certain I waited enough time - I tried to go out with someone a friend tried to introduce me to - and, there wasn't even a little bit of me - that was interested in even meeting the guy - but, willing for my friend -- and even after I met him, I wasn't interested.

Then along comes this one... and, I was just like "Yeah okay, this is cool - I like him, I can look at him, talk to him, and be around him - and not be reminded of what I lost".

BUT NOW? Now, I do. When he drinks too much and I have a man in my house - who can't even walk straight, bounces into walls, talks nonsense, etc etc... It's like, OMG... I lost my husband, and now I'm here. It's like I'm reverting. Is that normal?

The strong point in this is - I recognize it now... I've allowed it not to go on in front of son.... And, I'm about ready to pull the plug, before anything else were to happen.


----------



## Lost40

How can people change themselves like that? I understand the concept of being on your best behavior... I'm sure I was that too, but - I've not changed who I am as a person. I mean this guy went from... someone I thought liked having a few beers, to someone who abuses it. I know it's not since I've known him... from the talks we've had, about it - this is who he is, and has been since divorce. I guess I was blind to it. Or, he hid it.

Good lord, I need help. LOL 

Part of the problem is - he thinks he's spending time with me, when he's over here. The problem is, he's not spending time with me - he's off doing his own thing. Like I said, he likes keeping busy. He does a lot, and if he can't find something that needs done, he works on improving something that doesn't need it. To him, that is spending time. He never wants to go out, we rarely go out. Of course the sex life is nada. He makes a big deal out of wanting to do simple things, like cuddling, kissing or holding hands. When he used to love it, and say I didn't do enough of it. 

Oh yeah and he doesn't eat. I've never seen anything like it. He can go days on end and not eat anything but, picking up a pack of chips or peanuts at the gas station when he goes in to buy his 6 pack. Once in awhile, he'll eat food - but -- not often. So - the latest thing he did - that really set me back, thinking "Is this for me?" - Is, when he asked me to go with him to meet a friend to let his friend into this building he wanted to look at. He swore it would take max - 15 minutes. I said fine, but I have to eat dinner. I know how he is, he won't eat - I have to. So, I have to say stuff like this. I'm on a strict diet, and eating small meals throughout the day is necessary. He said, Oh yeah - we both will. Let's just go meet him first. I agreed.

Well... We get there, and his friend had a 12 pack of Beer. I was like, Holy Hell... I know what this means. So, what did we do? We sat there for almost 4 hours, while they finished this 12 pack, or almost finished it. Around 5, I said - Ok - Lets take this to a restaurant, I gotta eat - you guys can have beer there. They both were like, Nah.. this is better, it's not crowded here. So, I sat there until almost 8pm, without eating - while they sat there and got drunk. That made me so mad, and he got mad at me - for being upset by this. He told me, I was jealous of him spending time with his friend. I said no, You were disrespectful - knowing I had to have dinner - and ignoring my needs, so you could sit there and drink beer. Not making sure I had a drink or anything. I don't drink beer, and there was no water or anything for me to drink.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lost40, it's good to see you! I wondered how you were doing. 

This guy is a drunk and you like to save people. He's past the phase of wanting to court you and you're now seeing who he really is.

Do yourself a favor and end this now. Once you get rid of him you'll think about him less and less. Dating is to weed out poor matches, and this guy is a poor match.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Well, he has more of a negative side to hide. Look at it this way, an abusive person would not be abusive from the beginning, but it does escalate further and further.

Add him on his best behavior to find a mate, and you with your love goggles on, it is easy to overlook these signs.

You will make mistakes, and the point is to learn and grow, not beat yourself up.

Btw, hi! Welcome back.


----------



## Learning2Fly

Take him to a meeting. If he won't go, then cut him loose. There are way to many men out there looking for a good woman that has her "stuff" together. You shouldn't be wasting your time trying to fix something that doesn't want fixing.


----------



## Dude007

Hold a beer in one hand and a key in the other symbolizing a key to your heart. Tell him to choose one now so you can walk if need be to protect urself. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aine

Lost40 said:


> Hey all,
> I could use some advice. I'm editing this to keep it shorter, I'm trying to get out the full picture here for best help.
> 
> I've known this guy now for almost 7 months now. He started out, being this wonderful guy... who, was almost everything I imagined it would be like, plus more. However... I've been thinking recently he might have a drinking problem (it's not changed, but I overlooked it early on). He says he doesn't, but... There comes a point, when you kind of know. But - I don't know what makes one an alcoholic. I don't have experience. I've researched it, but depending on the site you look at ... He is, or he "almost" is, or he isn't yet type of thing. He is definitely a high functioning - if he is. He has a good job, and works extremely hard in and out of his home. He has custody of his son, and is a very good Father. He does so much for me, and has helped around my farm an immense amount - I think he's done more for my place, these past 7 months, than my ex ever did - in 14 years. He never stops, he is constantly doing something - staying busy - can't sit still type. But he always has a Beer in hand, never without.
> 
> He states, this has happened since his divorce, before that - he wasn't - only drank socially. He's been divorced 2.5 years now. He also is the victim of an affair (like me), but he was cheated on multiple times, she had many partners in her secret life. He gave her chance after chance, and then she finally turned around and divorced him - when she found the one she eventually married, 2 months later. Not only did she skip out on him, she skipped out on her 6 year old son - leaving him with his Dad - and making no effort to see him for almost 2 years (Now, she is), she took everything from him - the house, his business - everything. Said she wanted the Boy for visitation, but never would come get him. He clearly went into depression, and started drinking.
> 
> So, I've had hope for him. I had hope, he would stop. I too went into depression, and dealt with things my way - he dealt with things his. I was sure, that once he found someone he loved (which he claims he does love me) - that, he would back off having so many. I've asked him - many times. He tells me he will, and sometimes he does - slow down. If my son is here, he won't drink much at all... I won't allow it, and he knows this, he will have a few - which is fine, my son is used to that - everyone in my family drinks, almost every day - but 1 or max 2 only, except me - I never got into the habit. So, considering he can somewhat control the consumption - gives me hope.
> 
> The problem is, when son isn't here... He's usually drunk by the time it gets dark out - and, it's just not fun. It's like you're talking, but nobody is home. In the beginning, he obviously controlled himself... I knew he drank, but... his moods are starting to change. He's not mean, but he's impossible - if that makes any sense. Everything is your fault, never his. He will say something off the wall, you comment on it - and he gets mad about it, and then denies ever saying it - when he said it literally seconds ago. He gets upset easily, but doesn't really cause any problems or anything - just, gets upset. But, I will say - just as quickly as he gets upset, he quickly lets it go too. Until recently, now that's changing more to a he won't let things go... Even if I ask him, let's drop it. He won't. He wants to go on, and on about it.
> 
> I reached my breaking point a month or so ago, and told him I wasn't happy. I'm not okay with drinking to this level - Sure, I like to let loose from time to time, or at a party - But, this is insanity. I told him, you aren't who you were when we first met - you either hid it well, or you've let your guard down. You blame me for everything (and I still accept blame, like I did with ex - I have issues with that obviously) - and I'm tired of taking the blame for everything. He promised he would change, and he promised he would slow down - but he would never stop. It's who he is, and he likes to have Beer. I told him, within reason is fine. I know a lot of people who have A beer with dinner, or at night. But - drinking 6-7-8 - 16 ounce beers (not just the regular size) is too many. He agreed.
> 
> He's not held up his promise. He drinks just as many, and lacks what I'm looking for anymore. He isn't empathetic at all, he doesn't like to show affection like he used to, he never wants to go out (and that is b/c he knows he's drunk and shouldn't be in a car), he blames me - sometimes it might be OK, but most times not. Our sex life has become non-existent b/c he's usually too drunk to make things work. And, he's becoming more argumentative.
> 
> The problem is, I fell in love with him. He's a good person outside of that - he treated me so good, and still does when he is sober. He's been awesome to my son (b/c I don't allow drinking around him, so he's sober). He does so much for me, us and everyone around him. I mean, he is truly a good person - he has it in him. My family and friends love him, they don't know this side - I've not told them, I've told no one. Because, I know what that will be like.
> 
> I just don't know what more to do. He won't go get help, I know that - be/c he's in denial. He thinks its normal. He tells me that. Sometimes he'll admit to having too many sometimes - but, for the most part - it's all normal.
> 
> What do I do? I don't want to give up on him, but at the same time I'm afraid he will let the guard down again, and start drinking heavily around my son - and I don't want that. I find it sad, he does it around his son, but I can't control that... I can control what MY son see's though. Thankfully he hasn't seen anything, he's seen a beer or two - that's it.



Yes, from everything you have written he is a high functioning alcoholic. You need to protect yourself. I would suggest you run for the hills because the chances of him changing are slim. He will not change till he recognises the problem himself and gets help. Alcoholism worsens and does not get better without intervention.

You need to protect yourself by setting boundaries and even going to Al-Anon. Your life will be a rollercoaster with this man, if you choose to stay (I hope for your sake and the sake of your kid, you do not). 

This is from the internet (I had it pinned above my computer during the worst days of H's drinking)

I am sure you will recognise him in here

"You cannot nor will not change his behavior. You cannot make him treat you better, let alone with any respect. All he cares about, all he thinks about, is his needs and how to go about fulfilling them. You are a tool to him, something to use. When he says "I love you" he is lying through his teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. He wouldn't be using if he loved himself, and since he don't, he cannot love you. 

His feelings are so pushed down and numbed by his drinking that he could be considered sociopathic. He has no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze him that he hurts you, leave you hungry, lies to you, cheats on you and steals from you.

His behavior cannot and will not change until he makes a decision to stop drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until he makes that decision, he will hurt you again and again and again

Stop being surprised. 

He is an alcoholic. And that's what alcoholics do"

He will promises and break them. You will think, well if he loved me or cared for me, he wouldn't do this. But alcoholic is the first love, you either live with it or kick him to the kerb. Some will get help but only when they lose everything first.

Sorry you are in this place.


----------



## Max.HeadRoom

I drank a lot in my early life; I had issues and came from a family with a lot of additive habits; I saw nothing wrong with this. While dating my 1st wife (widowed not divorced) she turned to me and said “I don’t like you when you drink”; it was like a splash of cold water. I slowed way down & fixed the issues I was fighting with.

Oh I still have a few drinks now and then but I control it now not the booze controlling me.

Tell him outright this is a deal breaker; fix it or I walk.


----------



## Satya

I dated a man for 8 months and he'd only drink at night but it was a LOT! High functioning, too. I started correlating his drunkenness with wanting sex. Like, he had to be drunk to want sex with me. Never initiated sober. 

I put my foot down 2 times, but as you said OP, it's who he is. 3rd time I dumped him. He was great in other ways, but it was my boundary and I was realizing that I was compromising it by staying with him and I was REALLY not OK with that. 

You're going to have to find some strength and let him go.


----------



## Lost40

Thank you all for taking the time to answer my post. I know what the right decision is, it's just another hard one - not as hard as the first, but still nontheless... I fell in love with him already - so of course, you know.

I will do the the right thing. Thanks for supporting what I feared would need to be done. lol.


----------



## stevehowefan

I agree with the statement that it's not about how much he consumes. It's about what he does with the consumption, i.e., the fact that he can't seem to control it very well, emotional, forgetting things, blameshifting, etc. I was a pillhead for five years. My addictions wasn't "that" bad, but it's what those few pills a day did to me that mattered. He is an alcoholic. My ex-stepfather is too, and he exhibited many of the same symptoms you're talking about, minus the constantly on the go. My ex-stepdad was pretty lazy. One could be an alcoholic and only consume two beers every other day. And most addictions don't start out big. They take time to become full-blown. He may have six or seven a night now, and two years from now it's 12. When one chases a high, the high only stays constant for so long. Then more is needed to get the same desired effect. Even then, the effect isn't the exact same as it was when a person started. Don't put yourself in that situation. My mother just divorced my ex-stepdad after 24 years because of his alcohol use. He had a DUI, was belligerent when drunk, slept a lot, watched tv a lot when he wasn't sleeping, blamed everyone for his conditions, and the final straw was when he put his finger on my mother's nose and pressed hard. His drinking started slowly and with little consumption and devolved into several a day, often times hidden from my mom. I knew he was still drinking because addicts notice things that other addicts do.


----------



## Lost40

Hi Everyone,
I'm having a terrible day, well let's just a terrible weekend. I've allowed this man to fill a void in my life, as after the divorce - I became very depressed - and for awhile wanted nothing, then I started wanting - and, now... look what I found myself tangled up with. However, in some sick fashion - he filled a void. But, at the same time - I fell in love again. I fell in love with someone who isn't who I need.

I just found out last night, after my last post here - that my Dad's cancer returned - they wanted to meet that night, so I did - that is why. However, it spread - it is now in another location. When I found this out, I basically lost everything in me - all the strength, power, etc. - I've gained these past months. It's all gone, just like that. I felt incredibly alone, I felt like no one was there. After the divorce, it was my parents and sister I felt most comfortable going to - to support me. Well, this time - I can't. Now, they need my support - and I'll be there, like never before. But - I came away from meeting that night, and just lost it. The feelings of loss, fear, guilt, anger - all of it - returned. 

I was on my drive home, in fact - I was pulled over, b/c I was crying (I didn't cry in front of my parents, so when I got in the car - I just let it out) - and, the BF called. I sat there, and thought - do I answer? I was so upset, I needed that shoulder to cry on. I answered. He seemed supportive, and told me he was Sorry - and that he wished he were here, to give me a hug. He sounded like the old guy, I fell in love with. He said all the right things... Please let me come be with you, you need to have someone there. I'm not drunk I won't get drunk, I just want to be with you - to hold you, and and make you feel loved.

OK... Well, I'm weak... I'm a weak person anyway - but, add on top of this, I just received devastating news - and was alone, and going to be alone all weekend. I thought, OK... maybe he's being sincere. I said, OK - please come, but I can't fight - I don't want to be blamed for anything - I don't want to see you drunk - and none of these are suggestions - they are musts. He said, he promised - you'll never see me get drunk again, yadda yadda yadda. 

Over he comes, and it went okay... He was nice, and supportive. He wasn't drunk, he did have 2 beers - but, normal size cans - and only 2. That is normal, in my book. We watched a movie and fell asleep, he held me all night. It was what I remembered from the beginning. I remember waking up sometime last night having some nightmare, as I was thrashing around, and kinda half woke up - kind of yelling, "get it off, get it off of me". He woke up, and just squeezed me tighter. It was nice.

We woke up this morning, and he wanted to be intimate. I guess I was willing, especially after last night. So, that begins to happen - and he was the same way. He couldn't get it to work. Then he kind of made a face, and sorta laughed... and so, I felt sorry for him - and kind of gave him a sincere smile, and little fake "heh" (not a laugh by any means) to meet his laughter, though I wasn't laughing, I was only trying to show him I was meeting his emotions, and I told him "It's okay, just hold me" .... I honestly meant nothing more by it... and he blew up at me.... Started yelling at me "NEVER laugh at me, it's NEVER ok to laugh at me". I tried telling him, No no... I was NOT laughing at you, you were laughing, and I guess I was just trying to show you, it was OK - I was okay with it.... so I smiled back at you, and kind of gave you a little "Eh, it's okay" gesture, but I did so with a smile on my face, and I guess it came out as a laugh to him, I don't know. I know what laughing is, and I was not doing that. Plus, I know it's a huge no no to laugh at anything regarding this, especially if something isn't going right. I wasn't born yesterday... 

Well - so, he was done. He was so mad. Yelled, cursed, started putting his clothes and shoes on, telling me - "I'm leaving, I'm not going to do this - you're nasty he said, and some other stuff"... I kind of quit listening, b/c I started crying, and pulled the sheets up over my head. Then he stood in my door way, and kept saying things like "Is that what you want, you want me to leave - b/c I'm about done with you - You're never happy, and I don't want you pulling me down too!" 

I got up out of bed, and told him "You can go do what you want, I'm not doing this. I got bad news yesterday, now I'm crying again - you're mean for making me feel bad, you know what I'm going through right now - and thats terrible of you!" 

He said, all you are is drama... you always have something wrong, and then want people feeling sorry for you. I told him to go. He left. 

First of all, I am not drama seeker. I was with him before my divorce was final, so there were maybe 2-3 times I would kind of talk to him about my upcoming next court date, I also talked to him before "trial". But, if I did 3 times - that is a lot - PLUS, he knew - and I gave him plenty of warning and what not that I wasn't divorced yet - but had been separated for a year, he was OK with it.

What I'll tell him if he calls me again is, maybe you're right - maybe I am into drama, b/c I've put up with your drama for the past 7 months. So, I better end the drama.

I think I'm done. I cant believe he treated me like that this morning, when he knows what I'm dealing with right now. I was stupid for letting him come over again in the first place, but... last night, really screwed with me - and I felt I needed that "friend" there. Well, I'm sorry for looking desperate now. I guess I am.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Lost, I'm sorry about your dad. I lost mine three and a half years ago to cancer and I rode that roller coaster with him for three years and had to tell him to go at the end. He was there for me during my divorce and we were very close. I feel very alone without him. I understand where you are right now. 

Do yourself a favor and stop taking this guy's calls. You don't need the extra drama, it will just wear you out.

Didn't we decide that we are like 3 days apart?

You can always PM me if you want to chat more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lost40

Life, Yes! We are very close in age, like 3 days - or something crazy, lol

I'm sorry you lost your dad, cancer is so horrible - this is the 2nd time it's come back, it went somewhere else this time. What cancer did your dad have?

I feel same as you, my dad helped me through my divorce so much - I mean, he spent every single day - supporting me, until I no longer needed it. It's terrible, this happened.


----------



## sixty-eight

High functioning alcoholics are really difficult. I have a LOT of experience with my family. And many alcoholics have a lot of experience in hiding it from employers, family and friends. The fact that you didn't see it at first doesn't surprise me at all, because you likely weren't supposed to.

I was reading through earlier posts and i saw that you were concerned about his eating habits. Big red flag. I can't count how many times i have offered food to one of them on a bender and been told they didn't want it because it would kill some of their buzz. My youngest brother and my dad are the worst with that, and they are the ones that are unable to quit the cycle on their own, the worst offenders. That your (now ex?)BF exhibits similarities with the worst drinkers i know is worrying. That is a sign of an intent to being really drunk by the end of the night, not just casual drinking, more of a calculated race to drunkenness. 
And my dad does that with the fixing everything and working really hard as well. Sometimes it's guilt, he works hard so that it evens out with all the time he spends on a bar stool. Some of it is vanity, he doesn't want a beer gut.

Keep in mind, you might receive more calls where he says all the right things. Drunks tend to love routine.
I'm glad he showed you his true colors while it's still relatively easy for you to walk away, but I'm so sorry about your dad.


----------



## lifeistooshort

He had lung cancer that spread to his brain and ultimately to his liver. Radiation killed the brain tumors each of the three times they showed up, which was important because he really wanted to keep his faculties, which he did. 

He used to call me almost every night. Cancer is a roller coaster for the whole family. 


He didn't know about the liver spread, his doctor told me. The week before he died I spoke to his doctor and he said that my dad had made him promise he wouldn't let him suffer, and the doctor felt that time had come. He told me he didn't know how long it would take but there was nothing but suffering ahead. I flew out two days later and told my dad there was nothing left for him here and it was time. He removed his oxygen and died the same night. 

When he was sick and I was getting remarried he told me that I had to be extra careful because he wouldn't be around to help next time. I told him I'd be ok because I'd never be vulnerable like I was during my divorce, I had two little kids and had just finished being a sahm . Those days are behind me now. 

I never would've made it through my divorce without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## FeministInPink

Lost40, I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. I really am. At times like this, we turn to something (or someone) familiar for comfort, and that's why you turned to the BF. He soothed the pain of losing your marriage, and accepting his offer of comfort seemed natural. 

But he's not good for you. He's clearly not helping you in any way, even if his alcoholism wasn't an issue. It would be better to deal with all of this alone--finding your inner strength--rather than have the "support" of this man, who simply causes you more grief and heartache.

And a warning: this break-up/separation from him is going to be HARD. You never dealt with all the emotions and grief of losing your marriage, because you jumped into a relationship with this guy. So, you're going to be dealing with the emotions/grief of breaking up with this guy, and that's going to pull up everything you didn't process from losing your marriage, whether you want it to or not.

Are you still seeing your therapist? If not, I recommend that you start again. You're going to need some help unpacking this. And check out Codependent No More. I think it may help you as you move out of this relationship.

Are there any support groups that you could join, so that you could have some camaraderie and support while dealing with your father's illness? I hope you will look into this.

And remember, you're not alone. We're here for you, and maybe you can't see our faces, and while we can't give you a hug or a literal shoulder to cry on, we care about you. It's why we post here on your thread. 

*hugs*

(Oh, and in case you need this: He is such a tool! I can't believe he did that! Grrrrl, you know you deserve so much better than that. He is really a piece of work. Kick him to the curb, and tell him he better watch your ass as you walk away, because that's the last time he'll ever see something that fine. He's a low-down, dirty scrub! Grrrrl, I know you don't want no nasty-ass scrub. Leave him on the curb, you deserve so much better.)

:grin2:


----------



## Lost40

SixtyEight - I thought the very thing myself, he is not eating b/c it kills the buzz. I don't think there is any other excuse for it! Every single person in this world, needs to eat - some more than others, I get that -- But... he never eats, once in awhile you'll see him eat peanuts or pork skins. Then if we ever go out to eat, he'll order a "side salad" - and that's it. That makes me worse mad, now that I know this is why he's doing it - I kind of thought that, but just thought - No... you're wrong, he's just not a big eater, like you are. Now, that I'm letting things out - I'll never forget, when we went to a fancier restaurant, I got fed up with not being taken to one - ever. So, I chose that night. So, we go in - and it was a nice place... He wouldn't eat, again. He just drank beer. I was so mad that night, I asked him to go to eat with me, and he said he would - and then he wouldn't eat. So I sat there eating by myself. I wouldn't talk to him like I normally do, just stayed quiet for awhile b/c I was embarassed and hurt, then he got mad b/c I was being quiet, and so I started talking to him - b/c he was getting loud.. and then, it was too late - Damage was done... He got up and went to the Bar, left me sitting there alone. I asked for a box, and packed my food up - which was barely touched, and went out to the car. I won't go back to this restaurant, ever.

I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".

I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.


----------



## Lost40

Lifestooshort, That is ashame. I'm sorry you had this to deal with. ((Hugs))

It sounds like you and him were a team, and very close. I'm glad you got to see him, and gave him your blessing - I'm a firm believer in sometimes the sick, need that - to be at peace, and let go. You gave him that. How special. 

Thank you for sharing and talking, it helps to know - you do get through it. I can imagine, this diagnosis will be a roller coaster!


----------



## FeministInPink

Lost40 said:


> I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".
> 
> I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.


Don't give him the satisfaction of getting a response from you. Block him, and lose his number. No contact.


----------



## Lost40

FeminPink, Yes... I can imagine I will need my therapy again, I already called first thing this morning and asked if I could start coming back. I can't believe I asked like that, I said "Is it okay, even though I've already stopped, to start again?" I think I feel stupid is the problem. I thought I was golden, and ready to go --- So, I quit going. I went to him for over a year... once a week, for over a year. Then, just stopped. So, I'll feel stupid tomorrow - thankfully he's got opening tomorrow. 

I can tell this is going to be hard to do... You have no idea how bad, I want to text that as$ and just say something - I don't even know what, which is why I probably haven't. I don't know why I got myself into this mess... Well, I sort of do. It felt good. It felt nice to have someone there. 

The problem is... telling my son, and my family. They all really like him, b/c I never shared with them what was happening, and I did the complete opposite - telling them how great he was. I kept it from them. I thought, no you can't tell them --- They will either disapprove, or get mad at you for dealing with it. I don't want to hear either one, so I kept it. Now the question becomes, how do I tell them. I'm not going to for awhile, perhaps I'll just let it go - and next time it comes up, I'll play it off - and do that for awhile, until it becomes obvious. The last thing my parents need right now, is feeling they have to worry about me.

He's not my type.. He was... Then it changed. My friend tells me, No... people don't change. But, I think so.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Thank you for the hugs 

This guy texting you is actually a big gift.....he's giving you more insight into what kind of human being he is. It will make it easier to cut him off, so do not respond to him anymore.

As for your dad, you do get through it. I can't say it doesn't still suck, because it does, but the fact is that we're supposed to bury our parents. That's they way life works.....I wish I didn't have to bury my dad at 67 but it could be worse. Plenty of people lose their parents much earlier so at least I got 38 years with him.

The only bit of advice I can offer is to make sure everything you need to say to him is said. It's a tremendous help to have no regrets about things you didn't say and makes it a little easier to give them your blessing to go. In my dad's case he didn't just need permission, he needed marching orders.

I used to tell him all the time that I had nothing more I needed to tell him and every conversation we got to have was cake icing. He agreed.


----------



## FeministInPink

Lost40 said:


> FeminPink, Yes... I can imagine I will need my therapy again, I already called first thing this morning and asked if I could start coming back. I can't believe I asked like that, I said "Is it okay, even though I've already stopped, to start again?" I think I feel stupid is the problem. I thought I was golden, and ready to go --- So, I quit going. I went to him for over a year... once a week, for over a year. Then, just stopped. So, I'll feel stupid tomorrow - thankfully he's got opening tomorrow.
> 
> I can tell this is going to be hard to do... You have no idea how bad, I want to text that as$ and just say something - I don't even know what, which is why I probably haven't. I don't know why I got myself into this mess... Well, I sort of do. It felt good. It felt nice to have someone there.
> 
> The problem is... telling my son, and my family. They all really like him, b/c I never shared with them what was happening, and I did the complete opposite - telling them how great he was. I kept it from them. I thought, no you can't tell them --- They will either disapprove, or get mad at you for dealing with it. I don't want to hear either one, so I kept it. Now the question becomes, how do I tell them. I'm not going to for awhile, perhaps I'll just let it go - and next time it comes up, I'll play it off - and do that for awhile, until it becomes obvious. The last thing my parents need right now, is feeling they have to worry about me.
> 
> He's not my type.. He was... Then it changed. My friend tells me, No... people don't change. But, I think so.


Don't feel stupid. There are tons of people who stop therapy before they are ready, and then they go out and make the same mistakes. And they never go back. Your therapist was probably happy to hear from you, and is glad that you're starting up again. Not because it proves that he was right, but because you're taking a step in the right direction.

Don't worry about telling your family. You broke it off with him, and that's your business. A simple, "Ultimately, we weren't a good long-term match/we weren't compatible, and it was time for me to move on," should suffice. You don't have to say anything else if you don't want to. (Or, just choose the biggest blabbermouth in the family, and tell her everything, and before you know it, everyone will know, and you didn't have to do anything. Just kidding on that one. Or maybe I'm not  Just be careful, sometimes the blabbermouth suddenly decides that she's going to respect someone's privacy for once, and doesn't play her part as expected. Choose your blabbermouths wisely.) You *might* want to give your son a little more information, depending on how old he is and how invested he was in your relationship with this guy. That's up to your discretion.

But I do think that ^^^this is something you should talk about with your therapist--why did you feel the need to pretend that your relationship was a bucket of roses for your family? If a guy is good for you, you won't have to hide the reality of the relationship from anyone, especially your family.

And I do think you need to start being honest with the people close to you about what's going on in your life and how you feel about... whatever it is that you're having feelings about at the moment. You need to examine why you do this--I think it will help you immensely.


----------



## FeministInPink

And... DON'T TEXT HIM!!!

Let him fester in his own bile.


----------



## Lost40

He texted me, and told me that I need to work on getting well. He has no reason to say that, but it makes me feel stupid - like I'm mentally ill or something. I've never in my life had depression before this divorce. I do have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but it is well controlled through medication, and really the only time the medicine didn't help was when ex just left me - and for a good several months after... They readjusted dose, and added something (Klonopin) to help - and it did... Now I'm back to my regular dose, and don't use the Klonopin. 

I think he's saying it b/c he knows I'm right, and he's trying to make me feel bad. 

Yeah, I don't know why I don't tell my family anymore. I USED to. I used to go to them all the time, with my ex husband, and the divorce and everything. I think it's more just like, I've failed once - and I don't want to look like I'm failing again. I don't even tell my friends. The only friend that knows is the one who is going through a divorce herself - and she comes over all the time - so, she knows him for how he is, just like I do. She tells me I need to get rid of, but.... I don't listen b/c she's all anti-men right now... and I just figured well, she doesn't know. But... She did.


----------



## sixty-eight

Lost40 said:


> SixtyEight - I thought the very thing myself, he is not eating b/c it kills the buzz. I don't think there is any other excuse for it!
> 
> I got a text from him last night... It said "Enjoy your problems, all of them... " I just wrote back, Thanks - that is nice of you, I'm sure it will be enjoyable watching my Dad deal with this, you're nasty and mean... Don't text me again. He wrote back "Enjoy them a lot".
> 
> I think thats horrible. So, now that he senses were breaking up, he's being extra mean is what it is.


yeah, i don't know him, so i can't say 100%, but...
in my experience, that's what it means. Don't let it get to you. this is _pathetic_ addict behavior. You can go back to that restaurant any time you want. you have done nothing to be ashamed of, and his problems have nothing to do with you anymore. 

i agree with FeministInPink. He's texting you now, purely to provoke. block him.



FeministInPink said:


> Don't give him the satisfaction of getting a response from you. Block him, and lose his number. No contact.


----------



## lifeistooshort

Ignore him. Repeat: do not respond.

Block his number now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Lost40

I blocked his #, but the why it's seeming to work is - it just mutes him, his texts still come across - but, they are silent, and don't notify me of them - until I open them for something else - then I'll see his. I bet there is a way to block the #, I'll call Verizon.

This is going to be hard  I don't even know why... I wonder why I've had a problem with guys being nasty to me like that. First my ex, now this one. It almost seems like I'm making it up, b/c how can that happen twice in a row like that. Oh well, I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong... Plus, reading about alcoholics, seems this is what they do. Place blame.


----------



## Satya

Lost40, I'm also sorry to hear about your father. 

There's not much I can add to the advice given, except that I heartily agree with all of it. Take the time to completely expunge this man from your life. All letters, numbers, things, etc. Make a bonfire. 

I feel very sorry that you ran into his arms when you were hurting. Had a sensible girlfriend been by your side when he called, she'd have never let you do that. Don't beat yourself up over it. You made a mistake, so do we all when we're hurt and vulnerable. Learn from it. 

I think you need some healthy friends in your life and some healthy activities to keep you focused on that path of healing. Be there for your family during this time, but also be there for yourself. 

It's OK to grieve in front of your family. Really, it is.


----------



## FeministInPink

Lost40 said:


> He texted me, and told me that I need to work on getting well. He has no reason to say that, but it makes me feel stupid - like I'm mentally ill or something. I've never in my life had depression before this divorce. I do have GAD (generalized anxiety disorder) but it is well controlled through medication, and really the only time the medicine didn't help was when ex just left me - and for a good several months after... They readjusted dose, and added something (Klonopin) to help - and it did... Now I'm back to my regular dose, and don't use the Klonopin.
> 
> I think he's saying it b/c he knows I'm right, and he's trying to make me feel bad.


He's trying to manipulate you/make himself look like the good guy. A guy like this--even when he says things that appear to be generous and heartfelt, it's most likely not heartfelt and not generous. It's most likely a way to manipulate. He's painting himself as the good guy, and trying to make it look like your GAD is responsible for your behavior. He's trying to make you think that YOUR behavior isn't rational, because if he can convince you of that, then maybe he can convince you (read: manipulate you) to re-start the relationship.

Don't fall for it.



Lost40 said:


> Yeah, I don't know why I don't tell my family anymore. I USED to. I used to go to them all the time, with my ex husband, and the divorce and everything. I think it's more just like, I've failed once - and I don't want to look like I'm failing again. I don't even tell my friends. The only friend that knows is the one who is going through a divorce herself - and she comes over all the time - so, she knows him for how he is, just like I do. She tells me I need to get rid of, but.... I don't listen b/c she's all anti-men right now... and I just figured well, she doesn't know. But... She did.


My guess would be... pride. How many of them told you not to get involved with a new guy so soon, but you went and did it anyway? You didn't want to admit that he wasn't as great as you previously thought, because that would mean that they were right. It's a normal thing, pride, but there's a reason it's a vice... if you can let go of your pride and embrace humility, it's incredibly freeing and leads to better choices, which leads to a better life and more contentment.



Lost40 said:


> I blocked his #, but the why it's seeming to work is - it just mutes him, his texts still come across - but, they are silent, and don't notify me of them - until I open them for something else - then I'll see his. I bet there is a way to block the #, I'll call Verizon.


Do a Google search on how to mark someone's texts as spam on your type of phone. It's based on what type of phone and operating system your phone uses. That may be more helpful than calling Verizon. OR go to a Verizon store and and talk to an associate who uses the same type of phone that you do--they know all the tricks.



Lost40 said:


> This is going to be hard  I don't even know why... I wonder why I've had a problem with guys being nasty to me like that. First my ex, now this one. It almost seems like I'm making it up, b/c how can that happen twice in a row like that. Oh well, I know for a fact I didn't do anything wrong... Plus, reading about alcoholics, seems this is what they do. Place blame.


You didn't do anything, wrong, but your picker might be broken. That's why it's important that you go back to IC and STICK WITH IT. You didn't do anything wrong, but you are the one who a) chose men with emotional problems, and b) didn't recognize it and tried to stick with them. Why would you do that? You need to figure that out, and you need to fix that in yourself--otherwise, this is going to happen again. The only person who can stop that cycle is YOU. You need take ownership and responsibility for the role that you played in allowing these dysfunctional relationships to begin and/or continue. If you can't do that, you won't be able to fix whatever is leading you to make these [poor] choices in the first place.


----------



## Lost40

Your right, Thank you Fem for saying that. I went back to IC yesterday. Felt good to get there and start again. I won't stop this time, but to be fair - I was going for 13 months, once a week. That is a long time. It's not like I was just a once in awhile goer... lol 

I will get this right... If I can make it through what I just did w/ divorce - I can make it through this. 

Thank you all for listening!


----------



## Satya

Lost40 said:


> Your right, Thank you Fem for saying that. I went back to IC yesterday. Felt good to get there and start again. I won't stop this time, but to be fair - I was going for 13 months, once a week. That is a long time. It's not like I was just a once in awhile goer... lol
> 
> I will get this right... If I can make it through what I just did w/ divorce - I can make it through this.
> 
> Thank you all for listening!


Lost40, not everyone heals in the same way, within the same time frame. There's no due date when you're supposed to feel ready. You'll just "know" when you're really there. I'm not sure how else to describe it.


----------



## Mr.Fisty

Lost40, what he is doing is deflecting and shifting blame.

Facts are facts when it comes to his drinking.  To hide his own issues, because he needs or feels like he needs the alcohol to function, he will try changing those around him.

To be honest, his brain may need the alcohol to function now. Reasons why he probably no longer a viable partner.

As it comes to growth, you did grow. It takes time. Behavior is a slow process. Even armed with knowledge, it takes time to ingrain that knowledge into action. Like learning toride a horse. It takes time to get the basic before going onto more complicated things. Btw, I know nothing about horses but since I have great memories, I remember you ride horses from your past thread.

It is a marathon, not a race. You will handle life at your pace.


----------

