# No contact is ticking wife off during separation!!!Continue?



## Prober1

Ok, this is the first time posting on this thread and really need some direction. To make a long story short, my wife and I have been separated for approximately 4 months after 5 1/2 years of marriage. There was no singular event that preceded her asking me to leave (kicking me out), but a lot of arguing over house work, lack of affection etc. There was a lot of angry outbursts on my part and I have been in counseling the last four months to address my anger. Two weeks after our separation, our house sold in like three days and my wife and four year old daughter recently moved into a new home and I am living in an apartment in a nearby town.

I responded to the separation in a typical fashion- begging, pleading, showering her with gifts with no effect. My wife was adamant that she wanted a divorce but we still stayed in contact to discuss issues that concern our daughter. I even helped her move into her new house which was extremely uncomfortable for me. The only constant contact we have at this point is that we sit by eachother in church together each Sunday.

After about two months into the separation, my wife told me that she did not no what she wanted to happen, and that she was confused. I have attempted several times to engage her in a conversation about what we need to do to save our marriage but she responds, "I am not at that place yet".

About month three into this separation, I decided to institute no contact with my wife for my own emotional stability and to give her an opportunity to experience life without me. I told her that I was going to do this to give her the space that she wants and because I did not want our relationship reduced to two minute conversations when I am calling to tell my daughter goodnight. I made it clear what I wanted in our relationship and told her I loved her and said goodbye.

She reacted the first week of NC by either not answering the phone at all when I called to wish our 4 year old daughter goodnight or answering the phone herself to ask how my day was. When she would call when I had my daughter, I would simply hand the phone to my daughter and hang it up after she was done without speaking to my wife. 

During this period, some of my wife's passive aggressive tendencies really started to manifest. She would text message me to tell me about what a great time she was having on vacation or send me pictures from her vacation.
She would also keep me updated on the status of her remodeling projects in her new home which always felt like I was getting stuck with a dagger. I generally reacted by not reacting at all even though it was hurtful to hear about her life without me.

A couple of days ago my wife expressed to me that she feels like I am trying to control the situation by not talking to her when I call my daughter. She stated that if there is any hope of us working things out we need to talk to eachother-which I agree on- but she says that she is still too angry to talk about "us". We agreed to make time each Wednesday night to talk to eachother but the topic of our relationship is off limits because she says that I am not respecting her if I try to talk about it. 

Last night was our first night talking. We talked for an hour and a half about work but nothing of any real substance. My wife seems to have problems with intimacy, expressing her emotions, and forgiveness and wonder if it is a good idea to have this weekly conversation or go back to No Contact. Also, our anniversary is later this month and I don't know if I should acknowledge it or not.

thanks in advance for any help


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## Corpuswife

There is a book when Love Must Be Tough by Dr. Dobson. You are essentially doing what the book says. NC accept mutual business. This method is helpful when one spouse wants out and the other wants to work on the marriage. As in my case.

Begging, convincing, pleading, sex, letters, emails, texts.....I've tried it all. Still he says "I am 100% that I want a divorce." I was walking in negativity, anger, and eggshells on a daily basis. I suggest a separation and he thought it was a good idea (something that he'd never thought of). HMMMM. If he is 100% sure he wants a divorce, then why did he separate first?

Two weeks before our separation I started my Tough Love (see my thread Love Must Be Tough). We quit sleeping in the same bed; no sex; no undressing in front of him; no calling/texting him; etc. 

Before the separation. I/we had ground rules. NC unless for mutual business; no dating others; no big spending without approval; we'll meet in a month do discuss if separation should continue/divorce/etc. 

Last week he's started to text about "mutual business" just for the sake of texting. I ignore them unless an answer is needed. 

What you are doing is absolutely correct in my opinion. The spouse that is angry with the NC will often pull the "if there is any hope of getting our marriage on track then NC is blowing it!" They want to blame/guilt us back into their comfort zone again.

If they want a divorce or separation, then let them FEEL what it's like to have one! For me it's the last resort.


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## Prober1

I tend to think that the best thing to do may be to end this Wednesday night discussion if it ends up being trivial conversation. My only concern is that I have already agreed to do it to see "if we can still communicate together" although there is no indication at this point that the discussions will have any substance.


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## Corpuswife

I agree. Oct. 08...I heard the words...I am no longer in love with you.

OK. No affairs or abuse in our marriage. No fighting really. We work as a team. He's 45 and looking for more or the grass is greener...not sure. He's not sure. Up until the day before he left, we had been doing things as a family. He would call me daily and vent or chat. A few weeks before I quit talking about the relationship. It got me nowhere. He still wanted to chat about his life/doings. 

I haven't found anything of substance in our conversations yet! He doesn't know what the hell is wrong other than his "feelings." 
Don't expect much in conversations. You'll probably get the same ole same ole. 

The only way I will reconcile at this point, is if apologizes for giving up on the marriage and wants to come back to work on a better, healthier marriage. Otherwise, I am just spinning my wheels.

I know where you are at.....frustrating huh?


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## Prober1

She actually asked me to attend a wedding reception last week to see my daughter be the flower girl in the wedding. I attended the wedding and left before the family photos. My wife did not ask me to go to the reception at the time so I had no intention of going. I text messaged her later to say that it was awesome to see our daughter in the wedding and how beautiful our daughter looked. It was at that point that my wife texted back and said I could come by the reception if I was bored. I waited about an hour after the reception started and showed up. I had really positive interactions with her family and I haven't seen alot of them since the reception started. At the end of the night, I asked my wife to slow dance. She agreed but assumed the more traditional/less intimate slow dance position-left hand extended. My daughter saw us dancing and immediately ran up and wanted to be part of it. I am sure it is because she misses seeing us together and being a family. It was a good moment to be with them. It was funny at one point because my daughter told her mom to "kiss daddy on the lips". My wife responded by kissing my daughter on the lips and kissing me on the cheek. It was nice being together as a family but my wife seems hot and cold from day to day.


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## Prober1

Corpuswife said:


> I agree. Oct. 08...I heard the words...I am no longer in love with you.
> 
> OK. No affairs or abuse in our marriage. No fighting really. We work as a team. He's 45 and looking for more or the grass is greener...not sure. He's not sure. Up until the day before he left, we had been doing things as a family. He would call me daily and vent or chat. A few weeks before I quit talking about the relationship. It got me nowhere. He still wanted to chat about his life/doings.
> 
> I haven't found anything of substance in our conversations yet! He doesn't know what the hell is wrong other than his "feelings."
> Don't expect much in conversations. You'll probably get the same ole same ole.
> 
> The only way I will reconcile at this point, is if apologizes for giving up on the marriage and wants to come back to work on a better, healthier marriage. Otherwise, I am just spinning my wheels.
> 
> I know where you are at.....frustrating huh?


I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It makes you wonder what they are doing during the separation time to figure out what they want or to heal themselves. I dont believe the mere passage of time is going to do anything!


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## Loving Husband

I see so much of this in ym wife the first time I went through it we were seperate. I kept trying harder and harder. After I finally stopped calling her she eventually came back to talk. I had X-Mas around the corner to help but our problems never got resolved like normal because my wife fails to fix them. Would rather blame. Now here were are 5 years later and in the same mess but not as bad. We are still in same bed and I hope the MC works for us. Still good luck. It's nice to see couples work it out. Especially for the kids who need both parents together loving each other..


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## Corpuswife

Prober1 said:


> I'm sorry to hear that you are going through that. It makes you wonder what they are doing during the separation time to figure out what they want or to heal themselves. I dont believe the mere passage of time is going to do anything!


Good point. That is the one thing that I mentioned to him before he left. I told him that I "hoped that he would work on himself..emotionally/spiritually." He had a counselor he confided in at the beginning of the year. She wasn't on our insurance plan and quite expensive. Initially, he was "hiding" his counseling. He quit hiding it. However, the expense kept him from going. Anyway, I suggested that he find someone on our insurance plan. He said he would at least work on himself.

I pray, for our family, that he does. No matter, if we get back together I want him healthy and happy. That is heartfelt.

Time will not do anything. But it does give space for thought. I couldn't/he couldn't think about anything clearly. We were consumed with our marriage crisis. Sort of in the middle of a storm and you don't know what to do. At least we both are feeling the separation physically and emotionally. I am afraid that he won't fair too well. I can't help him. He has to help himself.


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## Loving Husband

Corpuswife said:


> Good point. That is the one thing that I mentioned to him before he left. I told him that I "hoped that he would work on himself..emotionally/spiritually." He had a counselor he confided in at the beginning of the year. She wasn't on our insurance plan and quite expensive. Initially, he was "hiding" his counseling. He quit hiding it. However, the expense kept him from going. Anyway, I suggested that he find someone on our insurance plan. He said he would at least work on himself.
> 
> I pray, for our family, that he does. No matter, if we get back together I want him healthy and happy. That is heartfelt.
> 
> Time will not do anything. But it does give space for thought. I couldn't/he couldn't think about anything clearly. We were consumed with our marriage crisis. Sort of in the middle of a storm and you don't know what to do. At least we both are feeling the separation physically and emotionally. I am afraid that he won't fair too well. I can't help him. He has to help himself.


Time to breathe and reflect is what a lot of people need. Especially the ones trying to run away. You can't escape your problems that way. They will only resurface again. Even if he does help himself after that he needs to apply that into your marriage. Then it will be positive..


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## Prober1

Corpuswife said:


> Good point. That is the one thing that I mentioned to him before he left. I told him that I "hoped that he would work on himself..emotionally/spiritually." He had a counselor he confided in at the beginning of the year. She wasn't on our insurance plan and quite expensive. Initially, he was "hiding" his counseling. He quit hiding it. However, the expense kept him from going. Anyway, I suggested that he find someone on our insurance plan. He said he would at least work on himself.
> 
> I pray, for our family, that he does. No matter, if we get back together I want him healthy and happy. That is heartfelt.
> 
> Time will not do anything. But it does give space for thought. I couldn't/he couldn't think about anything clearly. We were consumed with our marriage crisis. Sort of in the middle of a storm and you don't know what to do. At least we both are feeling the separation physically and emotionally. I am afraid that he won't fair too well. I can't help him. He has to help himself.


I am glad to hear that you are using prayer in your difficult time. I have really been exploring faith during my separation and it truly does make things bearable. WHat I am trying to do at this point is express my caring and respect to my wife by giving her the space to sort things out and let God handle the rest. I have reached the point where I believe the more I try and control the outcome of this separation, the more she will resist working on our relationship.


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## Loving Husband

Prober1 said:


> I am glad to hear that you are using prayer in your difficult time. I have really been exploring faith during my separation and it truly does make things bearable. WHat I am trying to do at this point is express my caring and respect to my wife by giving her the space to sort things out and let God handle the rest. I have reached the point where I believe the more I try and control the outcome of this separation, the more she will resist working on our relationship.


I know whre you are right now and I was there 5 years ago.. It is true the more you try to convince or control the outcome the harder it will be. She needs to see the grass isn't greener.. That the issues you have would resurface in another relationship. People rather run then face the issues they have. it's easier to do that. Especially the ones that are weaker in the mind cause its a quick fix.. yet time will show them it's not going to be better.. Good Luck..


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## Prober1

Loving Husband said:


> I know whre you are right now and I was there 5 years ago.. It is true the more you try to convince or control the outcome the harder it will be. She needs to see the grass isn't greener.. That the issues you have would resurface in another relationship. People rather run then face the issues they have. it's easier to do that. Especially the ones that are weaker in the mind cause its a quick fix.. yet time will show them it's not going to be better.. Good Luck..


My concern that she is continuing to take vacations, trips, and other recreational activities. I'm not saying I don't want her to enjoy herself, but I'm concerned that she is going to see that as her new life when it isn't possible to continue to sustain that level of activity forever. I think she is doing these things as an avoidance kind of thing.


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## Loving Husband

Prober1 said:


> My concern that she is continuing to take vacations, trips, and other recreational activities. I'm not saying I don't want her to enjoy herself, but I'm concerned that she is going to see that as her new life when it isn't possible to continue to sustain that level of activity forever. I think she is doing these things as an avoidance kind of thing.


Let her. She will see that it isn't reality. Then only then will she realize that she still has to face the problems. Just allow her to run..


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## Prober1

Loving Husband said:


> Let her. She will see that it isn't reality. Then only then will she realize that she still has to face the problems. Just allow her to run..


I appreciate your thoughtful response!


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## Corpuswife

Prober1 said:


> I am glad to hear that you are using prayer in your difficult time. I have really been exploring faith during my separation and it truly does make things bearable. WHat I am trying to do at this point is express my caring and respect to my wife by giving her the space to sort things out and let God handle the rest. I have reached the point where I believe the more I try and control the outcome of this separation, the more she will resist working on our relationship.



Me too! I feel closer to GOD now than I ever have...

Yes. Releasing control and allowing her the freedom. She gets the reality of life (good and bad). Now is also your chance to shine!


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## Corpuswife

Prober1 said:


> My concern that she is continuing to take vacations, trips, and other recreational activities. I'm not saying I don't want her to enjoy herself, but I'm concerned that she is going to see that as her new life when it isn't possible to continue to sustain that level of activity forever. I think she is doing these things as an avoidance kind of thing.


Funny! How we think alike. TOO much fun isn't going to bring them home running....I think to myself. However, look at it this way....they can't be on vacation forever. Plus, it's all superficial. Nothing deep and connected. 

My H is the king of avoidance. Cowardly I call it. Do anything but deal with your emotions and personal problems. I believe this kind of activity is full of avoidance.


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## Prober1

Corpuswife said:


> Funny! How we think alike. TOO much fun isn't going to bring them home running....I think to myself. However, look at it this way....they can't be on vacation forever. Plus, it's all superficial. Nothing deep and connected.
> 
> My H is the king of avoidance. Cowardly I call it. Do anything but deal with your emotions and personal problems. I believe this kind of activity is full of avoidance.


I am wondering if there are some people that are just wired to be superficial without any real desire for intimacy because intimacy implies vulnerability and risk.


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## Corpuswife

Yes, I believe there are people that don't have the capacity for emotional depth. However, they still can learn skills or become better...but may never live up to the level that we expect.

I suppose it's like the swimmer Mike Phelps. We all can learn to swim but may not have the capacity to be a gold medal olympian. 

I'm OK with capacity issues. I can get my emotional needs met via other avenues (friends, family, activites). However, there HAS to be a WILLINESS to WANT to do better...to try to learn. That is what I am looking for. I don't want a coward!


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## Prober1

Just a quick update on my situation. My daughter ended up spending Saturday night with my parents. I text messaged my wife about 5:30pm to let her know where my daughter would be staying and asked if she wanted to do anything later. She text messaged that we could meet for dinner but that she had to mow later in the evening. I responded that I had already eaten and was thinking about something more along the lines of miniature golf or bowling but understood that she was busy. She called me about a half hour for no apparent reason and reiterated that she had to mow. I did not ask her to do anything again and we chit chatted for about twenty five minutes. About nine pm, I received a text message saying that she was done mowing. Not sure why she would text message me that update, I text messaged her to say that I would like to see her. She said that we (wife, daughter, myself) could do something after church. We did end up going out for lunch with her parents after church and everything went ok. No awkward silence or anything. My problem is that I feel like when we have contact that I slide back into being preoccupied with our relationship and it is hard to spend an hour or so with my family and then leave. Any thoughts on her behaviors in asking me to go to dinner and if I am handling things right?


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## Corpuswife

I understand that this mind reading can be exhausting.

You were doing the NC thing. What made you decide to contact her to go out? 

Last night I read a book by Gary Chapman...Hope for the Separated. It's a good book but I am not sure how to approach my H still? If I do the calling, then I am left to doing what I did before the separation. Nothing is changing. He already knows that I take responsibility for my share of the marriage breakdown. I've asked for forgiveness. I am still doing the work alone?

I think this is where you may be as well. Should we call and do a date-like thing with no relationship discussion? Just have fun? I don't know. It makes them too comfortable in their separation where they can "touch base" and feel together but have their "grass is greener" experience. It will be (1) month separation for us on Friday. How long do I do the NC?

It seems like we may have the same questions?


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## Prober1

I think I went ahead and texted her about doing something because it was one of the rare times since our four month separation that neither one of us had our daughter- also I thought maybe she was subtly communicating something by touching base by text after she mowed-she is very subtle by nature. I kind of started feeling "it is now or never" kind of thing and just went for it. My wife seems to be developing a very strange habit of giving me about 1/2 of what I ask for - I'll do something with you, but not until tomorrow, I'll converse with you, but not what about what you want- I'll dance with you, but not in a very formal way etc.. I am glad I did NC and felt myself getting emotionally stronger but feel like I have regressed emotionally a bit. I think NC is appropriate until they show some signs of reaching out but it is important to not jump the gun and want it all be fixed immediately- I need to follow my own advice!!


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## Prober1

Also, I have read to do NC no less than three weeks and ideally about a month. I did it for about three weeks before it seemed to have an effect on her.


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## alexander7

hey all this is new to me, i would love to share my story with you all, i recently got married to my wife after going out with each other for 3 and 1/2 years. 8 weeks into our marriage she's decided that it isn't going to work between us to and wants "this marriage to end" i am very shocked and upset and like all i went though the pampering stages etc with no luck. i have now started No contact with her since i dropped her back to her parents house which she hasn't contacted me to? its been about 1 1/2 months now we haven't seen or spoke to each other. i find this very weird as out relationship was good for 3 years prior to getting married. my wife is currently a student in her final year and we got married this year, i can only put it down to a lot of pressure and she is feeling uncomfortable? she claims she was having second thoughts a week before our marriage and she told her parents and i but we all just put it down to nerves? now she is blaming me for messing her life up. as when i have been angry with her i've said to her i wish we wasn't getting married. i did say things like this in the heat of the moment which i thought she understood. but now i am worried...her parents have told me to keep the NC going on until she contacts you but i feel she won't i am very lost and don't really no what to do. i love my wife to bits, we didn't spent a day apart prior to getting married, and soon as we did she couldn't wait to go back home. i feel possible that she might have feeling for someone else or am i getting ahead of myself. i speak to her family and they say she's completely normal at there home, but the final weeks before i sent her home, she wouldn't eat at my house, sleep in the same bed, go out with me, shower here. NC is killing me. the only time she's contacted me is when her parents phoned and asked can i drop some of her clothes over so i did..and i got a reply saying i want all my f***ing clothes not just one bag. i didn't reply but i was hurt by this


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## tacoma

Your better off with no contact.

Why give her the support she needs (Wednesday night talks) when she gives you nothing?

If she comes to a point where she wants to work on the actual problems and shows you this objectively then see about reconciliation.
If you`re even interested in R when/if she comes around.

Until then I`d just get on with my life.


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## alexander7

thanks for your reply, i guess just carry on with the no contact and get on with my life. she claims she gave it all in the relationship during the first three years and that she can't give anymore. i always have given her chances when we use to argue i asked this once as a marriage and she turned around and said no. whats on wednesday night talks? 
her parents have said to carry on with no contact till February, i guess i should carry on. i would love to reconciliate matters but i can't at the moment all she has done prior to NC is be distant with me. 
its just hard to except a person who's loved me so much for the past 3 years can now act as if she couldn't care about me.
and also xmas is coming during this stage should i even text her to say happy xmas? i guess not right


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## accept

Look to get a reply from us you need to tell us more. There must be a reason why the marriage has gone sour. A small tiff wouldnt be causing it.


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## alexander7

accept said:


> Look to get a reply from us you need to tell us more. There must be a reason why the marriage has gone sour. A small tiff wouldnt be causing it.


She says she doesn't love me anymore, that I don't respect her, she also
Hasn't wanted sex after marriage, and when we use to argue I use to not go on arguing I would leave it till the next day and forget about it because it would be so petty and she said that we never use to talk about our arguments. The other reason is I think is because I live with my parents do when we use to argue
I wouldn't let it get out of hand just out of respect for them this might also be a issue?
I just don't no how to get her back. Really could do with some
E help
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept

Well you have now told us. She wanted to finish the argument and you wouldnt let her. The real thing is if I understand you correctly living with your parents. No wonder you havent had sex. I cant blame her.


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## alexander7

I guess so, i offered recently before we stopped taking to move out and start over just the two of us but she said she didn't want to. 
And not letting her finish the arugment I think is really wrong of me it's that they were so petty all the time I would forget about them when she wouldn't and now all this has built up and she's unhappy to carry on in our relationship. What do you think I should do
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alexander7

alexander7 said:


> She says she doesn't love me anymore, that I don't respect her, she also
> Hasn't wanted sex after marriage, and when we use to argue I use to not go on arguing I would leave it till the next day and forget about it because it would be so petty and she said that we never use to talk about our arguments. The other reason is I think is because I live with my parents do when we use to argue
> I wouldn't let it get out of hand just out of respect for them this might also be a issue?
> I just don't no how to get her back. Really could do with some
> E help
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl

alexander7 said:


> hey all this is new to me, i would love to share


I’d like to suggest two things to you:

1) Start your own thread so that people can find you and respond to you. 

2) Please use punctuation and paragraphs when you write. Maybe write using something like MS Word and then copy to the web site entry window. It’s very hard to read what you wrote because it’s all run together.


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## alexander7

thank you for your reply, can you please tell me how i can start my own tread to discuss my matter please?


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## EleGirl

Alexander...

Go the to main "General Relationship Discussion" page. At the top of all of the thread list you will see a button on the left side that says "New Thread". Click that button and it will open a new thread entery form.


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