# Illness Leads to Depression - Hers and Mine



## Cent (Jan 22, 2011)

Hi all,

this is my first post, and indeed the first time I've tried getting outside help in a relationship. I hope someone here will share their experience and suggestions with me, as I've reached the end of my tether.

I met my girlfriend just before we started college and we've been together for around 9 years. It's not been smooth sailing for all that time though; her parents divorce left her with a lot of trust and relationship issues, and we had to do the long-distance thing for two years. Most importantly, she has very serious health problems. She has an auto-immune condition (undiagnosed) that incapacitates her for weeks on end, inflicting extreme pain and interfering with eating and sleeping (which, in itself, can drive anyone nuts).

We've gotten through a lot together, and I've tried to help as much as I can, which is a lot (I know the staff of every hospital in the city so well, I should be invited to the Christmas party). I'm not patting myself on the back, but trying to assure you that this is _far_ from the first time things have gotten tough in our relationship.

Lately though, her behaviour has been changing in a way that makes me unsure how much longer we'll last. 

She's started to become quite cold and distant. I'm not sure I've seen her smile in a few months, I've certainly not _made_ her smile in that long. I could quite understand this change if it was accompanied or preceded by an episode of her condition. However, this is actually one of the calmer periods of recent years, health-wise.

I know that she's frustrated that her condition has interfered with her career. She's always been far more driven than I, and should have gone far already, but if this is the cause, it's affecting her much more than normal.

When I try to help or cheer her up, she just tells me that I don't understand what she's going through and I'm just making it worse. If I push for more detail, we fight and I'm still left in the dark. She doesn't seem to find enjoyment in anything we do together, or any of her old hobbies. She has tried counselling in the past, and anti-depressants once or twice (the last prescription lead to some fairly spectacular nausea). Neither method really helped her much.

I'm truly not looking to leave her, but I'd like to know the new rules. After nearly a decade with the same woman, you like to think you know them pretty well, but I feel like someone's swapped my girlfriend for a woman who can't stand me. Activities and subjects she previously enjoyed now seem to irritate her intensely.

She's not happy, I'm not happy and I'm starting to wonder if two people should stay together when it makes neither of them happier.

I'm hoping that someone out there has some experience of a similar situation (from either side) and can give me some useful pointers. What might be causing this change? Am I being dense or insensitive to something (it would hardly be the first time)? What might cheer her up, or relieve her stress?

Any theory or suggestion will be gratefully considered. 

Thank you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You sound like a great guy. Oddly enough the most effective way to address a situation like this is also the simplest. 

Pick a time when you are alone together will little/no chance of interruption. Look her in the eye and calmly ask her:
"Do you want to stay together with me"?

Be prepared - because this is how these things typically play out. 
1. She gets angry and asks you why you are asking that question. This is an attempt to change the subject - don't let her. Typically the best response to this is "we will talk about me later - for now we need to talk about what YOU want - do you want to stay together with me"? If she loses it and escalates end the conversation and walk away. At that point you have your answer. P.S. - I can tell from your post you are trying really hard - maybe too hard to make this relationship work. She knows YOU are committed. This isn't about you. She will react this way because she is angry at you because "somehow" you aren't the guy she wants you to be. If this is your outcome you are almost certainly "over" as it means she doesn't want to be with you. 
2. She acts hurt and implies you are asking because you are looking for the exit door. In this case it is important to get that out of the way with "You know how committed I am, this isn't about me". And then be silent and wait. Eventually you need to repeat the question. If she is evasive - you are almost certainly "over". 
3. If she says she isn't "sure" which is a fair response - come back with "are there specific things I am doing that are hurting the relationship, or is it just "who I am" that you don't love any more"? If there are specific things - there may be hope. But if for example she resents that you are not as driven as she is career wise, that is not really something you can change. 
4. If she says of course she does, and/or then tries to make you the bad guy for asking - you need to be tactful but firm. Because in this scenario she is being dishonest. You are NOT reading her wrong. She isn't happy with you. If you want my guess, when healthy she feels like she deserves "better" whatever "better" means in her mind. And this is where you need to take care of you. And by that I mean you need to have the courage to step up and tell her that the coldness, the overall way she is treating you, is not acceptable. And that if she really thinks she is treating you "just fine" the R will end because YOU will end it. Because YOU deserve to be with someone who loves you back. 
5. If she admits she has been cold/selfish/not nice to you that is a big step. BUT the more critical step is that she commits to making an effort to appreciate you more, be nice to you. Without that, you are getting an empty apology. 

You don't have to get into her "motives" - she will likely not ever admit to feeling she deserves someone better when she is healthy. And it is ok for her to conceal that since you can't prove it one way or the other. What is not ok is for her to look you in the eye and lie to you about how she has been behaving towards you. She knows exactly how she feels and how she has been treating you. At the very least you deserve the respect of her being honest and acknowledging it. Even if you are "over" she should be human about what has been happening. 












Cent said:


> Hi all,
> 
> this is my first post, and indeed the first time I've tried getting outside help in a relationship. I hope someone here will share their experience and suggestions with me, as I've reached the end of my tether.
> 
> ...


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