# Suggestions for sexless marriage



## IND Average Guy (Mar 11, 2017)

I'm a husband in my 40s, who has been happily married for 22 years. We have two teenage kids, with one leaving the nest for college this year. My wife is a caring person, who would do most anything for my kids and I. We seldom have arguments, and share the responsibilities of household chores, and try to be on the same page together when it comes to parenting. We enjoy each other's company, and spend most of our time together, when away from work.

My concern is that we have had what most people would consider to be a below-average sex life for many years now. For the first few years of our marriage, I'm sure that we had sex multiple times a week. Mostly before kids, and when the kids were quite young. For the last 5-10 years, any sexual experiences have been very few and far between. I would say that we average once every few months. I really try to not let it bother me, but lately it's been nagging at me, and has me down in the dumps. Perhaps I'm going through a mid-life crisis. It's not that we aren't intimate at all. We hug and kiss every day, and often hold hands. She has a stressful job, that can sometimes extend into the evening, and requires travel most every month. I often give her body massages before bedtime, as I know she gets tense and stressed due to work and kids issues. The massages used to lead to sex, but she is normally too tired for it anymore. She has always had an issue with her weight, but it's never bothered me, as I still find her very attractive. The lack of energy isn't just in the bedroom. About 2 years ago I lost almost 60 lbs after improving my eating habits and ramping up exercise and activity. I always ask her if she'd like to go for a walk with me, or join me at the gym, but she always says that she's too tired or busy. Perhaps my weight loss and improved health is causing me to desire sex more now. I can usually talk to her about most things, but the subject of her weight is almost taboo, and can really cause her to be hurt and upset. Like I said, her weight has never bothered me, but the lack of activity, especially desire in the bedroom, is bumming me out. 

I'm really trying not to dwell on it, but I just wish that there was something that I could do without making it an issue with her, and potentially hurting her feelings. I would really appreciate any thoughts and/or suggestions that someone may have who has faced these issues. 

Much appreciated.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

I know it's difficult but I think you have to be honest with your wife. Instead of worrying about hurting her feelings you should worry about building resentment that will ruin your marriage or destroy your love.

I'm in my mid 50's - about 3 years ago I disrupted my marriage to get the point across that either our intimacy would change or our marriage would be gone. We were very close as you are and that's partly the reason my w couldn't understand that the infrequent sex was a deal breaker. it took several come to Jesus discussions to change the dynamics.

It's hard but you are not being kind to her by letting her believe things are ok


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Read His Need Her Needs with her and talk about what you need versus what she needs. They're very different.

If you're as close as you say, once she fully understands this, it'll be a profound change and she'll be sad that she didn't realize you weren't happy


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I simply told my wife that if she was unwilling to have sex with me, I would find it elsewhere. We had a non monogamous marriage for most of the 44 years we are together. So it is not a threat, just doing what I have refrained from doing for the last few years. She is free to date anyone she wants to also. I also did something that has worked for us a few times, find a fetish or kink to try that would jumpstart our sex life. That is how we ended up non monogamous. This time it was chastity play which I will not go into. What it did was give my wife control over my orgasms and turn my sexual frustration into a fun sex game. It was a perfect fit for us the same as having threesomes so that my wife could have a woman in her life without cheating. So far we have always found something that works, but that is because my wife wants it to work.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

If you don't tell her what is bothering you The fact that you lost weight and are taking better care of yourself probably IS the reason you desire sex more. Most likely you have raised your testosterone levels in the process. 

Still, the bottom line is - you need to talk to your wife and tell her how you feel! If her weight is truly not an issue for you - it does not need to be part of the discussion.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IND Average Guy said:


> I'm really trying not to dwell on it, but I just wish that there was something that I could do without making it an issue with her, and potentially hurting her feelings. I would really appreciate any thoughts and/or suggestions that someone may have who has faced these issues.


One of the biggest challenges is to convey to your wife that you want a higher frequency of sex in the marriage, but at the same time you do not want to come across as being needy. 

You are going to have to work on her confidence, and also educate her about how you respond to her sexually and why. 

A really good way to try and understand what she needs from you is pay close attention to what she does for you and what things she compliments you about. THESE are the things that are important for her. Make it a point to try and appreciate these things and begin to put a little more attention into those details. If she compliments you for wearing something that looks nice, start paying more attention to what she wears and compliment her when she indeed looks nice and has put a little extra effort into grooming herself. If she enjoys cooking you something, be sure and compliment her for what she cooked and take more interest in learning what all she did to prepare that meal as a way to better appreciate it. THIS is the way that you build her confidence is by complimenting her and taking the time to sincerely appreciate what she does for you and the family. 

With this confidence will come the fact that you will see her smile more often, and make it a point to let her know how your respond to seeing her smile. Let her enjoy that!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

You aren't going to compliment your way into sex. This ain't high school... It may work once or twice but not in the long term.

Instead, find out why she's like that. 

She may have some deep rooted issues in which case compliments will not help at all (why is he saying that type thing).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

john117 said:


> You aren't going to compliment your way into sex. This ain't high school... It may work once or twice but not in the long term.
> 
> Instead, find out why she's like that.
> 
> She may have some deep rooted issues in which case compliments will not help at all (why is he saying that type thing).


True, without knowing the cause, compliments can also serve to exacerbate the problem (if she feels guilty about something). The problem is that if you don't know what the problem is by now, she is either not going to tell you, or you have not learned how to listen to her and she gave up trying to explain it a long time ago. 

So your kind of damned if you do and damned if you don't sometimes. But in my opinion compliments never hurt. If she does not respond to them, try giving yourself some unreasonably optimistic compliments about yourself, and just observe her reactions to that. Odds are that will at least get her to smile!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## m00nman (Nov 29, 2014)

IND Average Guy said:


> I'm a husband in my 40s, who has been happily married for 22 years. We have two teenage kids, with one leaving the nest for college this year. My wife is a caring person, who would do most anything for my kids and I. We seldom have arguments, and share the responsibilities of household chores, and try to be on the same page together when it comes to parenting. We enjoy each other's company, and spend most of our time together, when away from work.
> 
> My concern is that we have had what most people would consider to be a below-average sex life for many years now. For the first few years of our marriage, I'm sure that we had sex multiple times a week. Mostly before kids, and when the kids were quite young. For the last 5-10 years, any sexual experiences have been very few and far between. I would say that we average once every few months. I really try to not let it bother me, but lately it's been nagging at me, and has me down in the dumps. Perhaps I'm going through a mid-life crisis. It's not that we aren't intimate at all. We hug and kiss every day, and often hold hands. She has a stressful job, that can sometimes extend into the evening, and requires travel most every month. I often give her body massages before bedtime, as I know she gets tense and stressed due to work and kids issues. The massages used to lead to sex, but she is normally too tired for it anymore. She has always had an issue with her weight, but it's never bothered me, as I still find her very attractive. The lack of energy isn't just in the bedroom. About 2 years ago I lost almost 60 lbs after improving my eating habits and ramping up exercise and activity. I always ask her if she'd like to go for a walk with me, or join me at the gym, but she always says that she's too tired or busy. Perhaps my weight loss and improved health is causing me to desire sex more now. I can usually talk to her about most things, but the subject of her weight is almost taboo, and can really cause her to be hurt and upset. Like I said, her weight has never bothered me, but the lack of activity, especially desire in the bedroom, is bumming me out.
> 
> ...


First things first, congratulations on the weight loss and for taking care of yourself. It sounds like your wife needs to look to you for inspiration. Instead it seems like she may be in some sort of funk instead. Is she exhibiting any signs of depression over one of your kids leaving the nest? Is her job occupying her thoughts when it isn't demanding her attention? If so, do you feel that she may benefit from a change of scenery or maybe some time off? 

Secondly, count your blessings. Other than the physical disconnect you and your wife seem to have a supportive relationship. I wish I at least had that.


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## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I was/am going through the same thing currently....I open communication up and spoke to my wife on what's bugging me about no sex...it's getting better...make sure you tell what's bugging you. Sometimes life gets in the way...don't let it.. One thing I've learned lately if you want it you have to work for it...Communication id the key both ways...


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

IND Average Guy said:


> I'm a husband in my 40s, who has been happily married for 22 years. We have two teenage kids, with one leaving the nest for college this year......
> 
> ....For the last 5-10 years, any sexual experiences have been very few and far between. I would say that we average once every few months. I really try to not let it bother me, but lately it's been nagging at me, and has me down in the dumps. Perhaps I'm going through a mid-life crisis. *It's not that we aren't intimate at all. We hug and kiss every day, and often hold hands. She has a stressful job, that can sometimes extend into the evening, and requires travel most every month. I often give her body massages before bedtime, as I know she gets tense and stressed due to work and kids issues. The massages used to lead to sex, but she is normally too tired for it anymore. She has always had an issue with her weight,* but it's never bothered me, as I still find her very attractive.
> 
> ...


Been there done that. First congratulations on your weight loss.

First, look in the mirror and say the following words. "I am in a Sex Starved Marriage." 

Second, get the books MW Davis, The Sex Starved Marriage, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy, and Chapman's the 5 Languages of Love. Read them study them, compare the advise and examples in them to your situation with your wife. Those three books (plus a few more) along with a great sex therapist helped save my marriage.

Third, if your wife is unhappy with her weight, it will make her feel less sexy regardless of how much you tell her she is sexy to you.

Fourth, you can not and should not try to change your wife or force her to do things she doesn't want. You can inspire her, you can reward positive behavior to reinforce change, you can change how your react to the way she treats you , and you can talk to her. You need to understand that she is not "broken," "damaged" or in need of "fixing." The two of you have just drifted apart in terms of sexual frequency and need to negotiate a new compromise that will work for both of you.

Finally, you and your wife can go to a sex therapist. There are marriage counselors who have extra training in sexual problems and dysfunction. 

I would like to digress and try to explain what I think Bad Santa was trying to explain (at least from what worked for me.) In Chapmans the 5 Languages of Love, everyone has a primary and secondary love language. It is the way that a person communicates how they love their spouse. I am a touch and words of affirmation guy. When my wife and I drifted apart and I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, I would put my hands on her shoulders, give her a massage, hold her hand, hug her, etc. My wife interpreted that as constantly pawing at her to get sex. When I praised her, my wife felt I was buttering her up to get in her pants. I was just trying to express to her in a non-sexual way how much I loved her. Your massages, hand holding, etc. may have become counter-productive. 

Instead to feel loved my wife needed quality time and acts of service with an occasional present. Once I figured out rituals to do that my wife felt very loved and started to be receptive to working with the sex therapist on reestablishing sexual relations with me. Your mileage may differ.

What I took Bad Santa as saying is that you need to observe how your wife communicates her love to you. To do that you need to watch and understand what she is doing. For my wife, cooking a hot dinner was a way of saying I love you. After I figured that out, I brought her coffee in bed in the morning as a act of service to start her day feeling loved. I also became her sous chef and dish washer at dinner, so she had the extra time and energy to create more elaborate dinner meals and feel she expressed her love even more so.

Now before, I leave this topic I want to issue a big warning. In Glover's book NMMNG he warns about how covert contracts poison a relationship. A covert contract is where you massage your wife's back and expect that she will fulfill her half of the contract you are trying to impose on her which is to have sex with you. Unfortunately, she hasn't bought into your covert contract and like wouldn't even if you discussed it explicitly. When I bring my wife coffee in bed in the morning there is absolutely no expectation on my part that I have created any kind of quid pro quo for sex. 

Good luck and yes, seek the help of a sex therapist.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

TheTruthHurts said:


> I know it's difficult but I think you have to be honest with your wife. Instead of worrying about hurting her feelings you should worry about building resentment that will ruin your marriage or destroy your love.
> 
> I'm in my mid 50's - about 3 years ago I disrupted my marriage to get the point across that either our intimacy would change or our marriage would be gone. We were very close as you are and that's partly the reason my w couldn't understand that the infrequent sex was a deal breaker. it took several come to Jesus discussions to change the dynamics.
> 
> It's hard but you are not being kind to her by letting her believe things are ok


This. 

You need to have a HARD talk with her and basically make it CLEAR. You DO NOT intend to spend the rest of your like having sex a handful of times a year.

If she truly cares about you, she'll work with you to increase her drive. You should help her anyway you can. If she dismisses you, then you will have you answer. 

WALK.


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## sounhappy (Jul 15, 2012)

You seem to have a few issues going on IMHO. First, your weight loss is most likely increasing your testosterone which increases your sex drive. That's making you notice the lack of sex even more than in the past. For her, your weight loss is probably a constant reminder of her own weight. That, in conjunction with her stressful job, probably turns her off from any desire of sexual activity. I also suspect her body hasn't been what she'd like it to be for a long time, which might be why sex has been minimal in the past. Finally, being in the 40s, unless they're the early 40s, could be her going into perimenopause which would only exacerbate the situation. I agree with others that your best plan of action is to talk with her about it. Whatever you do however, DON'T MAKE IT ABOUT HER or her not wanting to have sex. She'll just get defensive and shut down. You need to make her understand that you miss the intimacy with her and how much you love her. Work with her to find times when she might not be so tired. If you can get her to become more sexually active, she might find she has more energy as well and even want to lose weight herself..

BTW, I don't speak any of this from experience. My wife learned from her father not to be affectionate, and was shamed by her mother for any sexual thoughts. It's a wonder we have children. Because of my own frustrations however, I have read many, many articles and books and simply offer this from what I've read. Good luck!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Since life DOES interfere, I think a lot of times couples just get into a rut of "well, this is just how we are". You REALLY need to talk with your wife and explain that you don't want to live this way -- that you need to get more out of your marriage. Don't accuse or threaten -- just talk with her. She MAY not be really thinking about it at all, so you need to get it out in the open. Depending on how she responds to these discussions will tell you a lot.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Just a note, the 5 Love Languages is a bit overrated... If you've lived with someone for two decades and need a pop psychology quiz to tell you what she likes. It's the equivalent of the silly jewelry store commercial of a guy buying his wife a vacuum for their anniversary...


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else. This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.


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## Edward333 (Feb 13, 2017)

This sounds a lot like my situation. My attorney told me I've become my wife's financial "safety net" and she's become all too comfortable. No affection at all anymore. No reciprocation. I'm doing ALL the initiating. She never walks over to give me a hug/kiss before leaving for work, she makes me come to her, always. If I make an issue of it, she tries to make it sound like I'm overreacting. I'm done. BTW, this was the least of my problems, until I had her served last week. Now she's "back pedaling" and it's amazing to watch her avoid responsibility for her actions. Truly amazing.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> you have to be honest with your wife... you are not being kind to her by letting her believe things are ok


I agree. Tolerance can send a signal of acceptance and/or complacency if you're not careful. Neither are signals you wish to emit.

Let her know that you're hurt by her actions (i.e. that she prioritizes things other things over you), and that you are disappointed with the lack of physical intimacy in the marriage. Set expectations for positive change. See how much progress you can make from a series of honest conversations. Be persistent, and revisit this topic with her until it registers how big of a problem this really is.

After communicating effectively, your wife will either change for you (things get better), or she'll be rife with excuses, or selfish dismissals and apathy (things stay bad, and get worse). In the latter situation, you should evaluate how important the sex is to you. Is it more important than a future with your wife, a unified family? Reflect.

If you find these things are more important than more sex, and as assumed, your wife either de-prioritizes you and doesn't care about your needs, you must somehow cope with less sex than you need. I don't advocate the typical: porn, infidelity, or open relationships; for many, these are destructive. Instead, spend more time doing things you love (family, friends, hobbies). If you can't change your wife and feel compelled to keep the family together, get your mind off sex. Only way to get by...

Hope this helped. Good luck!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@mem2020


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## IND Average Guy (Mar 11, 2017)

Thank you everyone for the insightful advice. 
I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Be prepared. Once you complain about sex, if you don't back down and forget you ever mentioned dissatisfaction, you may find that your wife is no longer interested in providing all the other great aspects of your relationship. Not saying you should back off. I think you are entitled to fight for a satisfying sex life. But just as the lack of sexual satisfaction affects how you feel about your marriage, your complaining about the lack of satisfaction may affect how your wife feels about you. If you can keep all the other great aspects of your marriage intact while working through sexual issues, good for you. It is not a given.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

One of the things that the OP needs to be prepared for is his spouse "backsliding." It is hard for anyone to change habits. You need to be prepared for backsliding into old habits and firmly, thoughtfully, and lovingly restating your boundaries and let your spouse decide if the changes they have initiated are ones they are committing to or are abandoning.

That is why positive reinforcement in positive changed behavior is so important, as it minimizes the backsliding that will happen.

Good luck.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

john117 said:


> Just a note, the 5 Love Languages is a bit overrated... If you've lived with someone for two decades and need a pop psychology quiz to tell you what she likes. It's the equivalent of the silly jewelry store commercial of a guy buying his wife a vacuum for their anniversary...


It's every bit overrated. But it comes down to one thing. 

My spouse has needs, maybe needs I don't want or know how to meet, or even care to meet. 

The point in five love languages is being in a relationship where you CHOOSE to show love by doing. Love stops being an emotion of "I don't feel like doing the dishes tonight" to, I am "doing this for you" do you choose to be able to except this as an outward expression of love?

If you can't change the mindset after so many years of wedded bliss. I get it. Probably not worth being married at that point unless you like the roomate aspect and maybe she pays half the bills and babysits for ya. So there is that aspect of it as well.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Does she drink alcohal? If so, does she get frisky when she's tipsy? Maybe she needs some liquid courage if she hates her body. Something isn't right.

Did she grow up in a strict relgious family? She might think sex is bad and is only used to get preggers. Now that she is done having kids, doesn't see a need for it. Does she have an orgasm often with having sex?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

IND Average Guy said:


> Thank you everyone for the insightful advice.
> I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.


Regarding the books, anticipate that your wife may feel threatened by you reading books on sexuality, particularly if you read anything written by another women with more sexual prowess. 

Try starting with books that focus on the psychology of marriage, and how to improve trust, communication, and confidence with each other, and THEN use those things as tools to begin improving intimacy. Some books may suggest "just do it" as a way of healing and growing together, but that may not always work if you are failing to address something that needs attention outside the bedroom. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else. This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.


Men do it to their wives, too.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

prunus said:


> Men do it to their wives, too.


Men don't shut down sex when they have achieved in the marriage what they wanted.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Men don't shut down sex when they have achieved in the marriage what they wanted.


You could rewrite that quote and put me as the husband and my ex as the wife. That's exactly how it went down.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

prunus said:


> You could rewrite that quote and put me as the husband and my ex as the wife. That's exactly how it went down.


C'mon now Prunus, you're not sticking to the SAME OLD agenda that some continually spout around here and we see in answer to *every single post *whenever a guy complains his sex life is dead. It's ALWAYS because the wife either wants to 'cash in' on the marriage now that her poor, beleaguered husband has earned all that stuff over the years while she did NOTHING (even though in most threads, the wife has a *very good job* according to the OP and in _some_ cases, is actually making MORE than the OP husband). 

All those facts conveniently get *ignored* when we're following the 'agenda,' don't you see? Sometimes it becomes such nonsense as "she used him to get where she needed to go and now he's no longer needed because she reached her goals." But rest assured, it's ALWAYS because the *woman* had some diabolical plot to rob some innocent man of his money or his life.

Good lord, what it must be like to be so damned paranoid.

So stop being a dissenter Prunus, infusing some *reality* into things, and get with the program instead. :grin2:


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> C'mon now Prunus, you're not sticking to the SAME OLD agenda that some continually spout around here and we see in answer to *every single post *whenever a guy complains his sex life is dead. It's ALWAYS because the wife either wants to 'cash in' on the marriage now that her poor, beleaguered husband has earned all that stuff over the years while she did NOTHING (even though in most threads, the wife has a *very good job* according to the OP and in _some_ cases, is actually making MORE than the OP husband).
> 
> All those facts conveniently get *ignored* when we're following the 'agenda,' don't you see? Sometimes it becomes such nonsense as "she used him to get where she needed to go and now he's no longer needed because she reached her goals." But rest assured, it's ALWAYS because the *woman* had some diabolical plot to rob some innocent man of his money or his life.
> 
> ...


Well, it's time to change their thinking! My sexless marriage had nothing to do with me. Ex turned it off as soon as we got back from the honeymoon. He just wanted another mommy to do his laundry, cook for him, clean, pop out some kids, etc. At first he didn't even set his alarm clock. I was dumb and would wake up up, make coffee and help get his breakfast. I finally asked about the alarm clock and he said that was expected of me. I never woke him up again. He only planned 2 dates our entire marriage (almost 23 years) and the one time I'm pretty sure it was the OW idea. But, he had no problem making plans and going out with friends, which I encouraged. Everyone needs their friends, too. And, if it weren't for me, I know he wouldn't be where he is. I know this because the man never makes decisions. When he got the job he's been at most of our marriage, it was because I picked. He had several good offers and he just couldn't decide. He pulled all the strings and pushed all of the buttons until I picked for him. He did this with everything. It was maddening.

So, there, I'm taking some credit for some of his success! I was also the one that stood behind him through school and homework. I was the one that motivated him to finish (dating at the time) while I worked 3 jobs. No, I didn't push him. I was told that I was the reason he finally finished school. I will take zero credit for the sexless marriage. But, I will take credit for foolishly staying in that awful train wreck of a marriage. Everything I did was the wrong way or silly or whatever. I had zero self-esteem (obviously) and I'm working on that. I have a long road ahead of me. 

Back to doing what I was doing before I went on a tirade. Sorry about that. It's really not a tirade, just facts on how it's not always the woman's fault.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

A link for your wife - New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

IND Average Guy said:


> Thank you everyone for the insightful advice.
> I started the conversation with her about it, and hope to continue it soon. I think some of the books that have been mentioned also seem to be a good place to start. *For me, lack of sex will never be grounds for divorce. *I'd like for us to have a better relationship in that way, but it doesn't outweigh all of the other great aspects of our marriage. I know it will take some time and effort to improve the current situation in the bedroom.


I hope conversations work for you. My wife refused to address her baggage issues until I threatened divorce. 

She may know you would never leave, and that trust leads to better intimacy.

OR

She may know you would never leave, and ignores your needs in the marriage cuz you ain't goin nowhere.

I hope it's the first one.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

jb02157 said:


> That's just the problem, she's ok with the way things are and wants to maintain that because she knows you'll just put up with it. If you make it an issue now, you will all of the sudden become the bad guy and "Mr. *******". She'll give just enough as to not make it make sense for you to divorce over this...*but the only way you will ever have a "normal" sex life again is with someone else.* This happens to alot of guys. When their wife's are satisfied with their life and you no longer are needed to reach their goals, all the sex goes away. If you don't like it, they get to cash in.


Thoroughly disagree. Yes, it can happen, but there's just as much chance that a kick in the pants is what she needs to get the engine going again.

As for the theory that she's where she wants to be in life, therefore there's no need for sex anymore - BS. Most definitely in this particular situation. SHE works as well. She travels for work, and seems to have a stressful job. She contributes to the marriage and finances just as much (perhaps more) than he does.

This is nothing more than your classic marriage in which each person has different priorities. These priorities are almost always fluid and change over time, with each stage of life. And whether we want to say it out loud or not, it's almost always the woman who de-prioritizes sex. It often has nothing to do with the husband. Sometimes it does, but not nearly as much as some men think.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

IND Average Guy,

There are circumstances in life that weigh heavily on oneself, and one's partner can sense that in one's words, actions, affect. This must not be one.

If she sees you slide into a funk about this, or senses resentmentments that can so easily creep your into your soul, then the problem becomes ten times harder to solve.

Yet, at the same time, you must not pretend it doesn't matter, because it matters. 

I suspect the best approach is to convey over time, directly and indirectly, that:

* You are content and whole within yourself, and you value the connection that you share

* The vision you have for your life you includes physical intimacy, and that vision has not changed during your relationship

* Your desire for fulfilling physical intimacy is no different in importance, no less worthy of respect, than yours and others' needs for other shared experiences, adventures, acts of service, kindness, etc.

At some point, I think you have to clearly state: 

* Barring some physical ailment or injury/assault in the past, the ignoring of what you want and/or need in the relationship is something you see as a choice she is making on a daily basis,

* It is within her power to choose differently, generously working with you in whatever way she honestly needs to make following through feel more natural

* Though you are content within yourself, and very loving and patient, you are human -- and, whether you resist heroically and stoically or not, there will come a day when you find your relationship has been devalued enough in your unconscious and then conscious parts of your brain, everything will be irreversibly different for you. (At least you've heard from others on this path that that can be the destination.

* You intend to have a full rich life, and your hope and expectation has always been she is there fully engaged with you. 

* You hope she will understand that you both need to be actively choosing the behaviors that support that. 

* If that is what she wants, then you need to know right now. 

* Otherwise, you need to see commitment and simultaneously action towards restoring your relationship --starting now.


Btw, "Mating in Captivity" by Esther Perel is a very good non-pathologizing book worth looking at. There's something to be said re. the notion of the "third" mentioned in that book. That may be the only incentiviser you have to work with, and deftly leveraged may honor your commitment to this marriage more than might first appear.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

alexm said:


> As for the theory that she's where she wants to be in life, therefore there's no need for sex anymore - BS. Most definitely in this particular situation. SHE works as well. She travels for work, and seems to have a stressful job. She contributes to the marriage and finances just as much (perhaps more) than he does.
> 
> This is nothing more than your classic marriage in which each person has different priorities. These priorities are almost always fluid and change over time, with each stage of life. And whether we want to say it out loud or not, it's almost always the woman who de-prioritizes sex. It often has nothing to do with the husband. Sometimes it does, but not nearly as much as some men think.


Yes, she works, is successful now and realizes she doesn't need hubby for anything anymore and could certainly do without his constant annoying requests for sex. I think it's more than just changing priorities here. It's pretty clear that she doesn't want sex and now she's in a place where she can make that happen.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

jb02157 said:


> It's pretty clear that she doesn't want sex and now she's in a place where she can make that happen.


With him. She clearly doesn't want sex with him. We have no idea whether she might want sex with someone else.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i am wondering if there is some underlying medical condition she has that is killing her libido? Overweight, high stress job, tired all the time....i am thinking diabetes or a thyroid problem. Have her go to the doctor and get an A1C test for blood sugar, and have her hormones tested to see if there is a thyroid issue.


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