# Should I confess...



## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

I met my husband on the net nearly four years ago now. We were married just less than a year ago. I love my husband so very dearly... he is my best friend, I trust him, and he supports me. However, I feel no sexual desire towards him. I am an extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person... this is so confusing for me...

I had been pressuring myself sexually with my husband since before we were married. I was never in the mood, and couldn't understand why as I always used to be. I would try to trick my body into being in the mood and I would feel physical pain in my abdomen while trying to get myself in the mood to be with him. On our honeymoon we had sex twice and it wasn't any good. I don't like kissing my husband unless it is a peck. I'll hug him but I don't like touching him much more than that.

Just about a month ago... I started looking around for a man to talk to... to tease... to find my sexuality again. I found someone, and it did everything I wanted it to... but then we decided to meet. His touch felt like everything I could have imagined and ten times more. I never could climax from penetration before and now I always can. I love being in his arms and touching his body. I love kissing and exploring. I understand some of this is because it is new. But I think it is more.

Within a few days of sleeping with my new partner, I asked my husband for divorce. He went away for a while and I was sure divorce was necessary. I have not told my husband about the infidelity. After about a month away I started to get so terrified by the thought of being alone, about being able to afford our apartment on my own. It just might not be possible even if my husband has been on unemployment for over a year. I also miss him. Miss talking to him, having him everywhere I go, having his support and love. In any case he came home, gave me the ultimatum of... 

1) he leaves again and we're doing the divorce, 2) he stays and I have some more time to decide if I want to work on things or, 3) he stays and we work on things.

I immediately took 1-the divorce, immediately off the table. He keeps asking me why I don't love him enough to at least seek the professional help and see if we can make our marriage work. And I just can't think of a good reason, except that I don't know if I can give this other man up. I know I am being so selfish, but I feel so divided between my heart and my body...

I want it to work... but I feel like I've been fighting my sexuality for nearly four years now trying to make myself sexually interested in someone I'm not. He deserves beter, especially now that I've cheated... What should I do? Should I tell my husband that I've cheated? I really want to spare him any extra pain.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Why not confess. You have used your husband up to now. Used him for support, used him to love you, used him in every way. You have taken throughout your whole relationship and now that you spread your legs for someone else (because after all you are "an extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person") YOU have taken divorce off the table. I've heard more selfish posters b4, I just can't remember when. You need to let him go find someone who doesn't gag when she makes love to him. And you need to go be that "extremely intimate, sexual, passionate person". YOU NEED TO PUT DIVORCE BACK ON THE TABLE. YOU ARE A USER AND A TAKER. CUT THE GUY SOME SLACK AND LET HIM GO. HE DESERVES BETTER THEN THIS. AND HE DESERVES BETTER THEN YOU.


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## Dancing Nancie (Jul 1, 2008)

Yes I think you should confess. There is no way to make your marriage work with that hanging over your head. He needs to know why you have been acting the way you have. I will tell you that my wife has had a difficult time finding her sexuality. We are doing some things that are not conventional, but they work for us. You can find your sexuality and have a good marriage if you are both open, understanding and honest. You have not been open or honest. You need to put everything on the table now and let him decide if he wants to work things out.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I disagree, if you want to stay in the marriage, then end the affair, say nothing and work on your marraige and a way to find intimacy with your husband. Go to counseling, couples and by yourself and find the reasons why you feel like you do and try to figure out ways to change that and see if you can find the passion with your husband.

It serves no purpose to tell your husband of the affair except to unburden yourself and to destroy him even more than you have by being cold, unfeeling and unloving.

No need to emasculate him even further...if you don't want to stay in the marriage then go, make an exit plan and go. Either way, keep your mouth shut about the other man...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Omg you are so selfish seriously you want to stay in a relationship cause you are scared to pay things on your own and be alone No he doesnt deserve that.


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

"you want to stay in a relationship cause you are scared to pay things on your own"

- no, that is not the reason I want to stay in the relationship. I have been paying mainly for everything on my own since he has been unemployed for over a year. I'm just saying It adds to my fears of being alone. My reasons for staying would be out of love... for my best friend.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Divorce, he deserves better.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

I think you should confess. When my husband ended our marriage, he gave me a lot of excuses....none of which really made sense. I was devastated and could not understand why our marriage was ending so it was very hard to except. When I found out the real reason our marriage was ending (another woman) it was much easier to except....and did less psychological damage to me. At first I was blaming myself for the marriage ending, but when I found out about the other woman, I no longer blamed myself....as I then knew it was his issue.

Tell him...it's the closest thing you can do to making a correct choice right now.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya just tell him and let him move on. sad.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

"At first I was blaming myself for the marriage ending, but when I found out about the other woman, I no longer blamed myself....as I then knew it was his issue."

See, that is wrong thinking...there are reasons people cheat, there are drivers beyond sex that cause infidelity...everyone wants to lump blame on the cheater or the OW, OM but that's unfair.

There had to be problems in the marriage, something missing, something lacking...no one is blameless, not the victim spouse nor the cheater...both are to blame, it's just to what degree.

We all become complacent in our relationships, take our spouse for granted at times, get too self-involved and self-absorbed, stressed out, too busy, not so willing to do things as when dating or first married (yes, even sexually here)...it's just what you do about those issues that defines a marriage. Some people cheat, others wake up and correct the problems...then still some people sit around and say they did nothing wrong.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You just described my ex. Reading your post was downright creepy. We started having sexual issues once she felt secure. When we were dating, and maybe even more importantly, she was unsure about how secure our relationship was, the sex was absolutely off-the-hook. And oddly, as you point out in your post, I was the first guy that she consistently reached climax with during intercourse. Once we were a ‘respectable’ couple that set her on a course of becoming a wife, and mother, everything changed.

She went from being incredibly sensual and adventurous, to feeling anxiety, physical discomfort, and emotionally confused. She has issues with abandonment, self-esteem, and tremendous issues with her adoptive mother. Her mother used to call her ‘s1u+’ and ‘hoar’ when she was in college – apparently in an effort to make her focus on her studies instead of socializing.

At the point where we were separating, supposedly to gain space to work on our marriage, (I got fed up with being tolerant of many issues, sex included) she started an affair. And guess what? She rediscovered her blazing sexuality. And once again, she is in a ‘forbidden’ relationship, with an extremely uncertain future.

So, once again, in a similar manner as you describe, my ex wanted the security that I represent for maintaining the stability of the family, while having a boyfriend that meets her emotional and sexual needs. She's a mess. I pity her. But it's her mess. She earned it.

Unlike what you describe, she was always able to climax with me when we were intimate throughout the marriage. Once she had, and I’m using her own words; “talked herself into it” she would enjoy the encounter. She framed her dysfunction from the position of somehow having to give herself permission to be sexual with her husband. 

I applaud your coming forward to share something difficult and unpleasant – of which in no uncertain terms, _you_ are the source. So, you need to address it. 

Don’t confess. It accomplishes nothing. It gains you nothing. It certainly doesn’t get him anything.
Confessing isn’t honorable or the right thing to do. If you choose to tell him the whole truth, do so only because you want to burden him with pain, and yourself with guilt and end your marriage in a magnificent train-wreck.

But … let him go. Using the guy with whom the idea of sex nauseates you, as a security blanket while you screw someone else hoping to ‘figure it all out’ is about as low as you can go. You got up the nerve to start a sexual relationship while married. Now muster the nerve to end what is obviously a broken marriage, and figure out what you need to move forward.

Go be happy. Have the decency to allow the man you married to have the same chance.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Halo-of-Sorrow said:


> I love my husband so very dearly...


I doubt that. You may need your husband but I seriously doubt you truly love him. You need him for his emotional support, his financial support, his friendship. It shows in your words. Instead of feeling sadness at his loss when he left you felt “terrified” that you might lose the materialistic assets of your life. That doesn’t say love in my book. Someone who loves someone “so very deeply” doesn’t go out and seek out a lover as you did. And you did, with forethought!! Put divorce back on the table and be honest with your husband and yourself.


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Preacher: Not my thread, but I will reply this once. It wasn't my fault in any way, shape, or form. And he will tell you that as well. I will not take any fault. You are welcome to read my threads and analyze to your hearts content. Sure a marriage can always use improvement and be better....this problem was his and his alone. When one partner is doing all they can to love the other and be the best person they can be, and the other is completely deceptive....there is not much that can be done. I wasn't ignoring him or his needs....I was communicating my needs and asking the same from him. The bottom line in my story was that he was too ashamed of what was happening to him that he wrote the marriage off without talking to me AT ALL about the problem he was facing. I am a loving person and very open....he could of and should of talked to me instead of secretly sabotaging our marriage. I take no fault.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

It really gauls to here you talk about your best friend. Do you have any concept of what that is? You don't betray your best friend. You don't cheat on your best friend. The only reason you don't tell him, is because you want to continue to have "YOUR BEST FRIEND" and do the other guy. You are weak and you're no ones best friend. You don't deserve a best friend. You can ignore my posts, but you can't ignore what you see in the mirror. Tell him and let him see what he has with the blinders off, a low life cheater, who deserves to be alone.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I would really hate to have you as a best friend OH WAIT I did have someone like you as a best friend and she is LONG GONE! I still talk to her to ugh get her to see how AWESOME I am lol and that I am the better person! But I really dont need her in my life she is a loser anyone that could do that to someone is a loser put yourself in his shoes REALLY KARMA IS A BI&%!


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

Initfortheduration... I got the message on your first post. You think I suck and should die a miserable death... got it! Message received. All I've seen you do in these forums is stand on a soap-box. Must be a blessed life you live to never-ever have made a mistake. Maybe someday we'll all have the privelage of being all-knowing.

Thank you JDPreacher, raising5boyz, and Deejo for the honest answers. I know I have screwed up by cheating and if I could take it back, I would. But all I can do is try to be fair with the future. I know it would hurt so completely to learn if I were in his shoes, part of the reason why I'm so hesitant to tell him. Not because I don't want to give him a complete understanding of the situation, but because I was hoping in some twisted way I could spare him the pain by not telling him. Still not sure I know the answer. 

Still trying to decide if divorce is the best or if we should try some serious long-term therapy first, don't know if I'll ever know...


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

You don't want to tell him regardless if you stay or if you go...it serves no purpose. Forget that complete honesty BS...it just takes the guilt and burden off your shoulders and places it on his and this is your cross to bear.

If you want to stay in the marriage, then end the affair, go to counseling and work on making things better at home. If you don't, then file for divorce and still go to counseling for some understanding of who you are...that "need time to find myself" crap is also BS...if you're lost, taking time off from your relationship and screwing someone else isn't going to help you find you...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> I think therapy could be a little tricky with that underlying. I think before you decide on therapy, you need to decide what you want. It wouldn'[t be fair to go to therapy thinking that you may still want to be with TOM. You're not going to be able to put anything toward renewal of the marriage unless TOM's out of your life for good. All else aside, what do you want? (No safety nets) If you want the other guy and you have no intentions of working to make this better with your husband, leave. If you want to try to work it out with your husband, get rid of TOM for good.
> 
> What are your thoughts with the confession. Would it give you an out or would you want to make things right? If it is to give you an out for divorce, don't do it that way-- just file,


I haven't been able to figure out what I want -which is obviously a huge part of my problem. I was so sure about divorce, and then I felt completely lost while my husband was away. Now he is back and I see many of the same problems and still feel myself resistant to touch and drawn toward "TOM".

I would only tell my husband about the affair if I thought it would be better for therapy and making us work. Telling him just to leave him would just cause him so much unnecessary pain. I agree with Preacher, it was totally my fault, so it is my cross to bear.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Dear Lady, even in therapy it wouldn't be a good idea to confess the affair to your husband, or even the therapist. It would be smarter to talk about the feelings you had leading up to the affair and the affection and desires you aren't getting fulfilled by your husband and how to attain them...

Affairs are ugly and hurtful...I knew both my exes were cheating on me and they denied it...even when caught they denied it...but I knew...deep down, your husband may know as well...but hearing it or actually seeing it...knowing that it's true...well, that he may not ever want to hear.

Somethings are better left unsaid...

You need to do some soul searching and figure out what you want to do...and then do it...for the right reasons.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> It sounds as though you want to stay with your husband but enjoy the excitement and surge of feelings from the affair, but don't see genuine love or longevity there. Am I getting close?



I want things to work with my husband yes, very much. He loves me and I love him. We fight but we work together. We laugh a lot. He has more patience for my crap than I do for his, but we still find a way together. We compromise together. It's a good relationship, but just before we got married he had told me he didn't want to be in a sexless-marriage. And he has every right to that... Since I can't for the life of me get my sexuality on board with him, I'm scared, and feel I should be letting him go. But whenever I try to let him go he refuses and begs that we figure it out. I really do want better for him, and I want more for myself too. I would have to give up TOM in order to really (honestly) work on things. I don't know if I can. I feel addicted to him. I know it's wrong. You are right, I really don't see him and I as soul mates or anything, but I just don't know if I can give it up. In the same sense, I don't know if I can give my husband up. I know this is extremely selfish of me. But I'm so stuck.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Its not living a perfect life. And there are plenty of people here to wipe your tucus. And no one want you to die. Excuse me but the complete hypocrisy, of you saying that you love him and that he is your best friend, really chaps my hide. I imagine you would be totally cool with him doing this to you. Let me say if he finds out by himself. It doesn't mean you are a cheater, it means you are an unrepentant cheater. And this ain't a popularity contest.


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## SaxonMan (Apr 1, 2009)

How could you even consider therapy without honesty? You'll be wasting your money.
It's unfair to let him live a false life - one that only you know the exact details of. If my partner cheated on me, and then kept it to herself for years on end, I'd feel doubly cheated - and more than a little pissed off that I wasn't given the choice to get out at the time - for that is what I would do.

You may not want that, but you've earned yourself the necessity to take that risk. In my opinion, he has to know because a life together based on dishonesty is a travesty.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I am sorry I am going to just say it like it is. You are being terribly unfair and what you are doing is not only morally wrong but how can you say you love your husband and treat him like this? You mention financial security. So you go off and have your hot love affair while he pays the bills? That is just plain wrong. If you don't love him, be fair, be kind and tell him as gently as possible. If you love him then you immediately cut off this affair and you tell him, then you seek counseling. In the end, it may not be your choice because if he finds out he may kick you out. I've been on the other end, I speak from experience. My husband did this same thing. When I ended it, he realized the problem was with him, never was with me. He's changed, a lot, and we are on the road to recovery. I hope you will find the right path and be fair to this man who you pledged to love, honor, and be faithful to.


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## Halo-of-Sorrow (May 4, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> You mention financial security. So you go off and have your hot love affair while he pays the bills? That is just plain wrong.


I hear you on everything but this one point. ... I pay the bills! I go to work everyday. And he sits home barely trying to find a job, FOR OVER A YEAR. But the unemployment combined with my income is how we both survive. But please don't say he pays the bills. That statement is wrong.

My staying for financial security is wrong, as well. I agree, and that's why I want to know for sure I'm not keeping him for that. I only want to keep him to make it work. And, SaxonMan, I think you are right too, therapy without telling him would not be fair, and would only jepordize everything we are/would be working for together. ... If we choose that route.


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

Halo-of-Sorrow said:


> I want things to work with my husband yes, very much. He loves me and I love him. We fight but we work together. We laugh a lot. He has more patience for my crap than I do for his, but we still find a way together. We compromise together. It's a good relationship, but just before we got married he had told me he didn't want to be in a sexless-marriage. And he has every right to that... Since I can't for the life of me get my sexuality on board with him, I'm scared, and feel I should be letting him go. But whenever I try to let him go he refuses and begs that we figure it out. I really do want better for him, and I want more for myself too. I would have to give up TOM in order to really (honestly) work on things. I don't know if I can. I feel addicted to him. I know it's wrong. You are right, I really don't see him and I as soul mates or anything, but I just don't know if I can give it up. In the same sense, I don't know if I can give my husband up. I know this is extremely selfish of me. But I'm so stuck.


Are you really committed to fixing the damage you've caused? Do you want to save your marriage and make it stronger than ever? There is no waffling to these, either yes or no, I don't know doesn't cut it. Be honest with yourself.
If your answer to both of these are yes, then continue reading, if any of these are no, then do the right thing and let your man go.

You are knee deep in the affair fog. You are addicted to the excitment of the OM, but you yourself admit he's not your soul mate, and you love your husband. You are so deep in the fog, that you cannot see the end of the road. I can tell you this, if you continue in the fog, the end of the road for you will be a large crash and personal destruction for all. You need to take a detour to get out of this fog. The answer to your situation is not real hard, but it is and will be difficult.

-First, In order to kill the addiction to the OM, the only way to accomplish this is to "cut the head off the snake". That means end ALL contact. You need to tell the OM it's over, don't contact me ever again.
-Second, you need to be completely honest with your husband about EVERYTHING. That means you need to admit to him everything that happened. You also need to tell your husband that you love him and are totally commited to repairing the damage you've done, starting with the fact you've ended all contact with the OM.
-Third, you tell your husband you are going to be completely honest and transparent to him. You are allowing him complete access to all your email's and all cell phones.
-Last by not least, tell your husband that both of you need counseling to repair your marriage, and be totally commited to this.

Your husband will be hurt, angry, and devistated. Or he may have known something was going on, and actually be relieved somewhat. Even with all these emotions, in the long run he will respect you for being honest with him and not continuing the deception.
Alot of individuals here are telling you don't tell him about this, and just commit to repairing the damage. I understand their concept but they are mistaken. If you do not tell your husband, you are continuing the deception. 
10 years down the road, WHEN he finds out, the reprocussions will be much more severe knowing you've lied to him for X number of years. It will be easier for him to get over this and forgive you now, then X number of years later when he finds out you betrayed him, but also continued this betrail by keeping this covered up.

You know what's right, and I feel you will do the right thing in this situation. It's just going to take alot of courage on your part.
Good Luck and God Bless


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

If I were your husband, I would rather you divorce me & not give a reason. Just say that you are not sexually attracted to him and he deserves a woman who can meet his needs. Then pack & go. To tell him another man is able to satisfy you in ways he cannot, is cruel and unneccesary.


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