# Another "wife less attractive now" thread...LONG post (be ready!)



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Ok. I have been dealing with this for about ten months, and just found this site which seems to be very active. I'm hoping some others have dealt with this and perhaps have other views or ideas I haven't tried or thought of.

A little background . . . I'm a Soldier. We will have our 2 year anniversary in January, and we dated about 8 months prior to me getting deployed, stayed in touch, and then got married after I came back from deployment. So been together/talking/etc. for a little under 3 years. We got married in January, and by the next year (Jan 2011), she had gained 45 pounds. We met and married with her at 5'4" 130 pounds, me at 5'4" 175. She is now 5'4" 175 and I'm 5'4" 171ish. I stay in very good shape (P90x, lifting weights, running, etc. etc.) and do maintain a good physique. Not just for my job, but because being healthy and in good shape was, is, and always will be very important to me through life. It's part of my character.

To me, this is astounding. She had some very good reasons (some might say 'excuses', but I understand how they could affect someone). She quit her job and moved to the town I was stationed in while I was deployed and was without a job for about 6 months. During this time, I video chatted with her while deployed and asked if she was keeping up working out or staying in shape, and she said she wanted to try a jillian michaels wii game (something like that) so I bought it and a yoga mat and sent it to her. After a few weeks she stopped it because she thought it was too hard.

After I came back, she was beautiful. Size 2 - 4, and couldn't keep my hands off her. But somewhere along the line, she kept slipping and slipping, and now she's a size 10 - 12. And I don't like what I see anymore. She's awesome, and everything else about her rocks, but I just can't seem to get excited for sex with her.

*Here's how we've discussed it*

A little after Valentine's Day this year, I had a very long conversation with her (I was away at school, and it was over IM which actually made it easier for both of us cause typing and writing, we could make sure it was worded correctly instead of stumbling and possibly saying something we wish we hadn't). All in all, I told her that I've noticed her weight gain. She asked if that's why our sex lives haven't been the same and I said, "I'm sorry, but yes." I explained how I feel like a deuschebag, and shallow, but I don't want to give up the marriage cause I DO love her, but I felt almost "lied to" when we got married. I told her I married an entire package, and I stressed to her a lot of times while dating that a lifetime of fitness was very important to me, and I feel as though she just decided to disregard it. I explained that I'm upset and sad because she ALLOWED herself to get bigger. It was something that she could have controlled but chose to ignore and just secretly hope I wouldn't mind. 

It also doesn't help that my family is VERY candid and has a low filter for what they say. I was raised with a family who doesn't sugarcoat things. To the point where when we visited them for Christmas, all my aunts and uncles and my grandparents at different times commented on her weight gain to her such as "Looks like he's feeding you good, huh?" Not in a mean way (as some of the them are very overweight), but they just call a spade a spade. Even the overweight ones would comment on her weight gain talking about how they love cakes and cookies too. 

Well, it's been a year since we had that conversation, we've had about two or three more during different parts of the year, and nothing has changed. She MIGHT have lost 10 pounds. It seems as though every time we have the conversation, she works out very hard for about two weeks, shows improvement, and then something "gets in the way".

_Important detail - right after that conversation, she got a job at a hospital, but it's a flip-flopping schedule. Sometimes day shift, sometimes night shift...so it IS hard for her to schedule a dedicated time every day to work out_

*Here's what I've tried...*

1) I asked her to come to the gym with me every day I went. She would go about 1 out of every 4 times I asked, siting headaches or tiredness as reasons not to go the other times. While at the gym, she would get on a treadmill and walk at about a level 2.5 or 3. I mentioned she probably needs to burn more calories. She told me she didn't know how to use that equipment at the gym (which I'm sure is 100% true...gym equipment can be REAL confusing with all those machines if you're not used to it) so I offered to pay for a personal trainer to help her which she refused.

2) After offering a few times for a personal trainer and her refusing it, a personal trainer happened to come up to her and offer her services (they walk around the gym and hand out cards to people of course - expanding their clientele). She and I went into a room to talk to her, and my wife decided she'd like to try it. So I paid for 8 sessions. My wife wanted to space out the sessions so she took a session every 2 weeks. However between sessions, she'd workout about three times. So average two workouts a week, and she didn't really have a "plan" when she worked out. Just moved stuff around and waited for the next session. I blame a LOT of that on the personal trainer showing her how to use machines, but not giving her a plan or recommended workout. NEVER going to use that company again. After the 8th session, she FINALLY got the trainer to writeup a written plan, and she used it for about two weeks, and then stopped going.

3) She told me the reason she stopped going was she didn't like working out at a gym with people watching. Legitimate concern, so I asked if there's anything she wanted to try. We tried running around the track on base, but she was frustrated that she could only run about 1/10 of a mile before getting really tired and winded, and would just complain over and over again about how much it hurt her throat or hips or legs. I told her, "Working out WILL hurt, but it'll get easier the more you do it. And you'll be able to run further and further". But that was short-lived.

4) Bought her a home workout DVD, exercise ball, small dumbbell kit while at GNC buying some vitamins for us. She never used it.

5) She wanted to try P90x, so I got that. I went through the first two months at the same time as her, doing the diet. She saw and felt results, but kept saying she didn't have time to work out due to her flipflopping shifts. The first month worked great (she had a more steady work schedule), after that the diet is no longer being used (but she IS eating a little better overall) and she works out about twice a week. Maybe. 

I've tried to tell her to come up with a planned schedule. Write on a piece of paper, if my shift is 9 - 5, I'm going to work out at THIS time. If my shift is 3 - 11, I'm going to work out THIS time. If my shift is 11 - 7, I'm going to work out THIS time. But she won't do it. Also, I've stopped working out at the same time as her (P90x at home) because I can't stand her negativity throughout the workout complaining the entire time through. It's affecting my mood and making ME pissed off, and i don't need her to see that. To help with her crazy schedule, I've taken up almost all the chores in the household to afford her as much time as possible to get it done. I do the dishes and put them away, I do the laundry and fold it all (she puts her clothes away after it's done), I clean up after the dogs, I do any mowing or carwork that needs to be done, I help vaccuum, I clean up when the coffee table starts to get out of hand, stuff like that. She cooks half the time and I cook half the time (usually baked chicken or fish, rice, nothing unhealthy), and once a week we have a night where we eat unhealthy, but good tasting food (pizza, or a burger, or something like that). I believe one meal in 21 won't throw off a diet enough and it helps to keep the sanity.

*summary*
All in all, I'm stumped. I flat out told her, I will NOT be in a sex-less marriage. I told her and pointed out some of our friends who have a large spouse and said, I will NOT be that couple. I can't do it. I'm not attracted to overweight woman and I will NOT allow myself to be overweight barring some huge medical condition which stops me from being in control of working out and diet. But I'm not seeing progress. 

I am to the point where I get ANGRY seeing my colleagues and their in shape spouses. Why do THEIR spouses stay in shape? What have I done in life and what could I have done different to have gone from what I thought would have been the trophy wife and her having the trophy husband to it not being the case? I actually won't even visit or hang out with other couples that much anymore because it angers me to see their spouses working out (yes I know their spouses go to the gym and workout) and mine won't. My wife will tell me she wants to work out with this person or that person or follow that person's workout plan, but it's always an obese person's workout plan. I tell her, "Why would you want to follow the workout plan of an overweight person? Why not find a spouse you like who's in shape and follow THEIR workout plan? Cause then you know for sure that it'll work. Cause they're in shape."

I've done lots of good 'ol google research on how to tackle this issue, and feel like I've done almost everything shy of counseling. I've completely changed my diet to eat a ton better with my wife, I've offered to take her with me, I've spoken directly to her about it (several times), I've offerred every workout plan to suit her desires (doesn't like the gym? Got her P90x. Wants people to motivate her to workout? I've offered to help pay for Curves, Zumba, Spin class, etc. She wants it to be fun? I bought her and me bikes to ride which she won't do. She doesn't know how to use equipment? I paid for a personal trainer. She has too busy a schedule? I offered to help her sit down and come up with one, plus I now do the majority of the chores around the house to allow her as much time as possible. Wants something she can do at her own pace? Brought her to the track.)

Any other ideas? I believe counseling is pretty much the last step before divorce. I think any counseling I get would basically be a way to AVOID leaving. I've already been divorced once, and she is a great woman, but a marriage without physical attraction would be miserable for both of us. And I'm not gonna live the next 30 years miserable. 

She wants to have kids as soon as possible, and I keep telling her to wait. One reason is I want to pay off as much debt as possible, but one reason that I haven't told her about yet is her fitness. If she can't find a way to get BACK in and stay in shape without kids, it's NOT going to be any easier WITH kids. And to be honest, if she doesn't get back in shape and stay there, I feel like I'll have to leave. I'll be miserable and end up being that guy who is a workaholic to avoid having to go home. I don't want to be that guy. I want to be the guy who comes up and can't WAIT to devour his wife up after a long day of work. Not dread going home to an overweight, not trying housewife. And having a kid is NOT going to make her getting BACK into shape any easier. 

Any ideas on other things to try? Am I to the point where counseling is necessary? Obviously I'm to a point where I'm asking random strangers anonymously on the internet, but that's at least TWICE removed from having to dissolve this relationship. 

And honestly, if this one doesn't work, I'm not going to try again. First wife ALSO gained 50 pounds. Essentially, I end up getting married, wife loves me and I love her. We go out to eat, but the wife believes that she can eat the same portion size as me. But I workout, and the wife will stop working out. So now they have increased the food intake, and decreased calorie burning, and they gain weight. Whereas I stay the same with my food intake and calorie burning. 

HQ

PS - I don't think I'll be on this forum giving any advice anytime soon. Obviously, I can't pick them right, so I wouldn't want to hamper someone else's relationship. And if you need any other details or facts about what's going on, just ask. It's just so frustrating that I work so hard to stay in shape, am SUPER careful on who I date making sure that they are in shape and their eating and workout habits support that, and then we get married and the eating goes up, workout goes down, and I end up getting the short end of the stick trying to make sure my wife has the same qualities as me, and then having those qualities change after a ring is on the finger. Sucks.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

hqusafa said:


> Ok. I have been dealing with this for about ten months, and just found this site which seems to be very active. I'm hoping some others have dealt with this and perhaps have other views or ideas I haven't tried or thought of.


Hqusafa, I wrote this on another post earlier this evening, and it seems eerily prescient:

"Um. As a lifetime exerciser, I've met some people who are keen on exercising, start to finish, plenty of people who are like you describe (_added for clarity: people who aren't too keen to start a workout, but always do eventually and love it once they do_), and some who do it under protest and afterwards tell you at great length how they DIDN'T like it. And will never, ever, do it without you cajoling or browbeating them.

I've struggled with getting the latter group to enjoy exercise. The usual suggestions (try different things until you find something you like, exercise with a friend, incentive exercise etc) work for some of them, but there's a hard core who are determined to not like it, no matter what."

You can't "make" her like exercising, or indeed even "make" her accept it as an occupational hazard. SHE has to do that - by the sound of things, you've been willing to put time and effort into helping her with her fitness, but unless and until she has a damascene moment about it, she will not exercise of her own volition. 

As for why she will not exercise, well, there could be any number of reasons, physical, mental, psychological, but only SHE can address them. YOU can provide support, strength and a "good example", but only she can fight and win those battles.

I spent five years as a Rifleman back when I was younger. The need to be a "self starter" where fitness is concerned is very important to anyone in the military. You cannot rely on having to be "beasted" into it. However, this self-motivation makes is more difficult still to relate others who don't see exercise the same way.


Good luck.

SB


----------



## tjohnson (Mar 10, 2010)

You know there are jokes about what happens when women eat wedding cake

1) it makes them lose their sex drive
2) it makes them gain 20-50 lbs over the next 2-5 years. 

There are some people (men and women) who change after they get married. 

Seriously though if you made it clear that an active lifestyle is important and she told you what you want to her then that is dissapointing. Keep in mind this is only going to get worse over time. 

Many times overeating is caused by other underlying lack of happyness.I am not making excuses but, 45lbs is alot of weight to gain. Even with excersize she would have to be eating allot. 

It is concieveable your approach may not be a good one. Good luck.


----------



## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Exercise and fitness does NOT have to come from a gym or track! I would strong suggest that you work together with your wife, and all your crazy schedules, to find the time to find an activity that can build muscles, great cardio, and best of all, great alone time with your wife. Trail hiking, you put together a nutritious romantic picnic. Try activities that are not gym/sports related. Heck, even going for a long evening walk, enjoy the starlight. Get goofy, and go bowling. Even do something that you know you will suck at, but she may have a leg up on you to help build her confidence.

In essences you have given your wife an ultimatum, your have shown your cards that physical fitness and attractiveness is paramount in your love to her. You are, in essence, deflating the last sense of her self-esteem by your words. You are foresaking the "better or worse" portion of your vows. In her eyes, you have defined your love for her purely by her appearance.

HTH's


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Your wife hates to exercise, so the only thing that will work is to drastically cut down on her calories. Do you think that she would be motivated by some sort of gift if she reaches her goal? A bigger diamond? A fancy European river cruise? 

Unfortunately I think that you need to discuss how important weight is before you get married. Some people just do not find their weight that important, and they resent any attempt by their spouse to make them thin.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Unfortunately I think that you need to discuss how important weight is before you get married. Some people just do not find their weight that important, and they resent any attempt by their spouse to make them thin.





RoseRed said:


> In essences you have given your wife an ultimatum, your have shown your cards that physical fitness and attractiveness is paramount in your love to her. You are, in essence, deflating the last sense of her self-esteem by your words. You are foresaking the "better or worse" portion of your vows. In her eyes, you have defined your love for her purely by her appearance.
> 
> HTH's


Whilst I wouldn't shoot the OP for being "totally shallow" and simply being concerned about his W's appearance, I can see what you're saying.

However, there is a side to this that is concerned with how much the OP's wife is bothered about her health. Should he be expected to sit there and let her eat herself into an early grave?

If we were talking about the OP's wife drinking excessively (for example), we wouldn't be saying that his efforts to change her were simply undermining her confidence and all about his inability to deal with how she lives her life, would we?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Has your wife ever been able to, or willing to, exercise?

And, has she been checked out medically to rule out things like hypothyroidism, which negatively affect your metabolism causing weight gain and fatigue? A rapid weight gain in a short period of time coupled with fatigue, and yes, the inability to exercise can be part of that condition if she has it.

Best of luck to you. Nothing is guaranteed in life, not slimness, not fitness, not health. Therefore finding the beauty within yourself and within your spouse can go a long way.


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I don't feel that alcoholism can necessarily be equated to weight gain. Our society is obsessed with being thin. There are many people who live long lives despite being overweight: Jackie Gleason, Winston Churchill, Ed McMann, Barbara Bush, to name a few.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> I don't feel that alcoholism can necessarily be equated to weight gain. Our society is obsessed with being thin. There are many people who live long lives despite being overweight: Jackie Gleason, Winston Churchill, Ed McMann, Barbara Bush, to name a few.


For every Churchill etc, there are a slew of people who died young as a result of being overweight, drinking and smoking.

We are perfectly prepared to accept that an unwillingness to exercise or control weight may be a sublimation of a psychological issue. Are we also prepared to accept that a spouse not finding their overweight partner attractive could be a similar subconscious reflection of an inability to find a person who disregards their health as sexually attractive? Just asking...


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Ok, I am going to give it to you from the perspective of a wife that does not like to workout with a husband that loves it....I will start off by saying that I do tend to watch what I eat, so I am not overweight or anything because I don't want to be overweight, I'm also not the size that I would love to be either, but it's good enough for having 2 kids....Anywho...I hate to go to the gym, I really honest to God wished that I loved it, but I don't...working out just takes up precious time that I will not get back...My husband tries to go every single day, plus has a very physical job, so needless to say, he is in ridiculous shape. I have a desk job and since I leave home at 7:30 in the morning (H is already gone so can't go to the gym before work) and have to drop off one kid at school, and one 20 minutes away from that at my mom's then drive another half hour to work, then do all that in reverse after work, plus make dinner, whatever that may be, and do homework and baths, I do not feel like going to the gym....

I know that you guys have no kids and she has no job, and honestly if that were me I would then make time to go to the gym....but you cannot make someone workout that doesn't like to workout. 

My suggestion would be to take her out on a hike, without making it seem like exercise. I love when me and my H take the kids and go for hikes, so much more scenic than a gym...or spontaneously say lets go for a bike ride, I know you said you bought bikes and she wouldn't ride, but the less you make it seem like exercise, the more willing she may be to do it...

Depending on what type of person she is, she may be seriously discouraged by the fact that you find her unattractive already and have less motivation (although I understand that you did everything you could to prevent this from happening)....I mean personally if my H, who in his vows promised to love me for better or for worse, said I will divorce you because you gained weight, I would give him a big F U and get fatter on purpose then lose it all after the D.... Just sayin....

The thing that jumps out at me the most and rings a bell for me is that she makes all these suggestions, tries it for a while and quits...I do this all the time because I get boooooored  Believe it or not working out can be the most boring freakin thing to some people and after doing something over and over for a while, or even a couple times, I get boooooored and dread the though of having to do it again....

My thoughts on this is either she will come to terms with this herself eventually and want to make a change in her life, or you will end up divorcing her for being who she is....


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your wife hates to exercise, so the only thing that will work is to drastically cut down on her calories.


Forgot to mention that she did VERY briefly also try weight watchers points and was immediately pissed off that I got more points than her just cause I'm "a man". I told her it's because I have more muscle mass and naturally will burn more calories just sitting there than she would sitting there, but she got upset that I could have fuller plates. I know just drastically cutting calories (which I know would work without exercise, but it'd have to be a hefty cut) is not something she'll do.


lovesherman said:


> Unfortunately I think that you need to discuss how important weight is before you get married. Some people just do not find their weight that important, and they resent any attempt by their spouse to make them thin.


We did. As a matter of fact, I discussed how my FIRST wife gained 50 pounds in LESS than a year and how much that annoyed me and ticked me off and was one of the reasons I left her (there were many MANY other reasons, last straw being infidelity on her part)


enchantment said:


> Has your wife ever been able to, or willing to, exercise?
> 
> And, has she been checked out medically to rule out things like hypothyroidism, which negatively affect your metabolism causing weight gain and fatigue?


Yes she physically can exercise. The only medical condition she has is some medication that may cause weight gain, but she was on it when we met and she was 130 pounds. I think the major issue was her quitting one job, working a few months and then being without work again for over a year. And for that year, despite my urging and suggestions, she never joined any clubs, volunteer organizations, or exercised at all and spent all day every day at home. During that time she was a GREAT housewife, doing chores and cooking lunch and dinner so we didn't have to worry about them when I got home from work, but never took time to exercise. So the only calories she burned were watching TV, vaccuuming, loading/unloading dishwasher, etc. etc. (you get the picture, not exactly stuff that raises the heart rate or gets you really moving). So for over year, she didn't change her eating habits to reflect her more sedentary lifestyle.

Fact of the matter is, as a society, we're taught not to judge a book by it's cover, it's what's on the inside that counts, and all these other wonderful phrases to get us to try to look deeper. But when you get down to it, our initial reactions, our inital impressions, and as far as relationships go, our initial judging factor IS based on how you look. I could be the sweetest, most wonderful guy in the world, but since I'm 5'4", half the women have already discounted me as "not dateable" and not "for them" cause they want a tall man. Men and women discount people based on age (he/she is too young....he/she is too old, even when the difference is negligable in the long run). But as soon as someone dismisses someone for being too heavy, all of a sudden the issue of "superficial" comes into play. Fact of the matter is, if I were single, and I saw my wife as she looks now somewhere, I would not consider asking her on a date. Because I want someone fit and trim, because I'm fit and trim, and I want to grow old together having the ability to keep up with future kids, being able to play soccer with future kids in the park, and, in general, being attracted to your spouse throughout life, to me, seems pretty important in a relationship. I wouldn't date someone I'm not attracted to, I wouldn't marry someone I'm not attracted to, because I want to go home, see them, and immediately have a smile jump to my face on how I'm the luckiest guy in the world, and have her feel the same way. And I'm not attracted to her anymore.And I don't feel that way. I feel unlucky to be the guy who married someone, and had her change negatively, EVEN AFTER expressing to her throughout our courtship that her fitness and choicce to stay fit is important to me throughout a lifetime committment to each other.

So it's ok to say, "No. He's too short.", but not ok for my wife to have grown too large. At least she has the ability to control her weight. I just can't seem to find out how to motivate her to do so. And if I DO outline an actual ultimatum, she MAY then get in shape, but how ****ty would I feel knowing that the only reason she's working out is out of fear? Would it be right for me to do that? I don't think so. It'd make me feel like some horrible tyrant and abuser in the relationship. But if I DON'T give her the ultimatum, how will she know how serious of an issue this is? I hate being in this position. And I hate that there was nothing I could have done to stop it, and despite my various efforts, apparantly nothing I can do to change it. I'm expected to just "accept" it. 

Hey, here's a contract we signed together, and we had premarital counseling, and outlined our lifetime expectations for one another....but even though we promised we'd be together for the rest of our lives, I'm going to go ahead and change one of those items you outlined as important and I agreed to in year two. Accept it. I know it wasn't done maliciously, but what really irks me and saddens me is she is fully aware, I have made TONS of efforts to help, and she just keeps subtly telling me "No. Accept it" through her various reasons why she can't work out here, or there, or now, or then, or constant complaining and pissed off demeanor when she does work out. 

Coming to a forum with such a personal problem, for me, is a sign that I'm pretty much at my wits end. Like I said, it actually physically makes me mad to see other Soldier's spouses who, someone, maintain a job, a household, and children and still do the right thing and maintain a high level of fitness and attractiveness. And female Soldiers who work out EVERY lunch break and go home to a husband and children. And after seeing thi for a year, it makes me think how my wife has gone an entire year of knowing the problem, offerred multiple solutions, and she could have changed it and it would not be an issue right now, but procrastination and a willingness to NOT change it. She can't change it now, and she wants to have kids? If I'm not attracted to her now, there's no way having a famiily is going to make her have MORE time and motivation to go to the gym or do whatever it is she needs to do to get back to where she was. And we're not talking about a 50 year old woman trying to look like when she was 25. We're talking about a 27 year old woman trying to look like she was at 25. 

I'm tired. And worn out from thinking and frowning. Maybe Ill get more ideas from other posters or replies in this thread. But myself, I just can't think of any other options I haven't already exhausted. I tried subtle, I tried direct, I tried going with, I tried going without, I offerred professional help, I bought anything to make her more comfortable in whatever environment she chose, I tried a diet, I took over a lot more chores to free up more time for her. What else is there? I would feel really crappy about an ultimatum hovering over her head, but I swore to myself I would never again stay in a relationship where I was not attracted to my significant other, ESPECIALLY when it's somethig they CAN control, but choose not to. That to me is like saying, "I dont care about your wants or desires. I'm doing what I want to do and you're just going to have to deal with it."

Alexi


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I didn't read what the other responses were, I have a migraine coming on, but I read your post. You really come off shallow by not wanting sex because your wife does not have the motivation to work out hard core cardio 7 days a week. Sorry, that's how your coming off to me. My husband is an absolute fabulous athlete, he's raced in a few ironmans, half ironmans, and marathons. Heck I use to be a triathlete myself and was running a minimum of 36 miles we week, plus biking and running. I looked fabulous!

It all ended one day when I broke my neck and herniated 3 discs 3.5 years ago. I'm now in my late 30's, so my metabolism is very slow. Especially since I spend most my days on the couch or bed due to being disabled with severe pain. Yes, I gained 30 pounds right away. Luckily, I have some motivation to stay thin and I have lost 20 of the 30 pounds. I'm far from toned! It's very noticeable.

My husband loves me and still is very attracted to me regardless of my weight gain. Not once has he ever turned me down for sex, even at my heaviest. Never would he ever suggest I lose weight. Love is not based on looks. My husband married me for better or for worse. I thank God everyday for my supportive husband. He never expects anything from me ever, nor has he ever gotten mad at me for anything. 

If your not happy with your wife, divorce her. She deserves someone who will treat her better then you. Women naturally have a slower metabolism and more body fat then men. It's very hard to lose weight. Your better off divorcing her and finding a woman who already is an athlete. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

I do loe her. But I'm not attracted to her. And so we don't have sex NEARLY often as we used to. It's down to two or three times a month. No matter what I say, how happy I am, how many times we cuddle and hold each other, which she all loves, I can't be happy having sex with her. And that obviously translates to a low sex drive which means she's always reminded. 

As for loving a person for who they are, I thought I was doing that when I married her. Now that she's heavier is THAT who she is? So who did I fall in love with? An imposter? A fake?

I'm believing more and more in that quote I heard a long time time.

1) Men marry women hoping they won't change.
2) Women marry men hoping they will.
3) Both are wrong.

She married me because she loved I was a Soldier. She comes from a long line of military family. She married me because we agreed to have 2 - 3 children. So if I refused to reenlist, went to work at McDonalds and got a vascectomy she's just supposed to accept it? "It's not what we discussed, now we can't have natural children and have to sell off a few vehicles and drive 1000 dollar beaters, but he's y husband. I'll just let my dreams of raising a little girl remain just that." Or is this change something we should have discussed first, or at least discuss afterwards and make sure we're both ok with it. "Better or worse hon." "Oh. And BTW, you know how you love I'm in shape? Well start saving up for a rascal cause I'm on a funyon diet from now on." Better or worse. Get those handicap ramps installed. And roll me over, it's time for some lovin'. But you'll have to do all the work, and don't mind the sweat around my naval area. Better or worse.

Extreme? Yes. Could it start with 50 pounds? Yup. Would it be fair to my wife to deny her her children and stop the military lineage and gain weight despite one of the reasons she loves me is beccause I'm in good shape? No. But this is my true self. That stuff I said and promised before marriage? That wasn't me. I've changed, and you'll just have to change your dreams, expectations, desires, and standards of attractiveness to fit the new me.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Sorry dude your family sounds like a bunch of rude tactless people. 

And if I were you I would love your slightly overweight wife whos awesome in every other way or somebody else will.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

sinnister said:


> Sorry dude your family sounds like a bunch of rude tactless people.
> 
> And if I were you I would love your slightly overweight wife whos awesome in every other way or somebody else will.


And just flip a switch in my brain and say, "I'm now attracted to overweight women."? It's not about loving her. I love her. It's about not being attracted to her. She'd be a wonderful wife, wonderful mother, and anyone would be lucky to be with her till death do them part, but I'm no longer attracted to her. So just go the next 40 years of my life either not having sex with her, or just not looking forward to it and just hoping it's over soon so she can put some clothes on is the answer?


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

HelloooNurse said:


> You sound like a very vain person. The best option would be to divorce, so that your wife can go and find a husband with a bit more substance.


I knew that'd be the response I get. It's ok to not date someone due to age or height, and it's acceptable to date someone because you're attracted to them and they're thin, it's just not acceptable to think they're NOT attractive when they are no longer thin. People are taught that once you're married, physical appearance is no longer supposed to be an issue. So after the ring is on, we don't need to get dressed up and have to try to look good for our spouses. It doesn't matter anymore.

Person1ude, I love my fiance. She's awesome!
Person2:And she's quite the looker too!
Person1:Yeah man...she is HOT!!! Can't WAIT for our wedding night!
....6 months later....
Person1ude, my wife gained 45 pounds. I don't find her that attractive anymore.
Person2:That just sounds shallow man. You should love her regardless.
Person1:But you were the one that was totally fine with me thinking she looked "hot" earlier. Isn't thinking somone is "hot" also shallow?
Person2:But that's different. You weren't married. Now you're not supposed to care how she looks.

It's what we're taught...but it doesn't seem right that it's not shallow to love someone cause their hot ( based on looks, but it's positive so it's "ok") but then it IS shallow to say that she's not....


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com

I hate working out. HATE IT. I do need to tone though...i'll get to that soon.

However,, that site helped me lose almost 40 pounds this year...just by monitoring my calories. I keep a daily log of what I eat and that site does the math for me. It's awesome.

Three of my other friends have lost about 30-50 pounds on it this year as well.

She hates to work out, so just count calories, drink a crap load of water, and get enough sleep.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I don't think it is vain to be attracted to a certain body type, I just don't. I personally feel that barring a true medical issue, we all should try and maintain our weight. If my husband gained 50 lbs., you bet I would lose my attraction to him and he would say the same about me. 
Having said that, allowing your family to ridicule her is beyond disgusting. YOU should have stepped in and boosted her confidence at that point. Do you really think she doesn't know she is overweight? She does and her self esteem is at an all time low. By allowing your family to further push her self esteem down, you have further harmed her and her motivation to change. 
I also want to point out that if you are 5'4" and 175 pounds, you are overweight yourself by 25 pounds, unless you have 10% body fat, you don't have much wiggle room here in judging her.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So if I understand correctly, she put on 45 pounds in one year? That's 4 pounds a month. At 25 years old. If there's no physical or mental reason for that, it's very unhealthy, and not a good sign for the next 20 years, especially with childbearing in the future.

If this was a woman saying that she was no longer feeling sexual attraction to her husband because he had stopped bathing regularly, and stopped brushing his teeth and shaving, everyone would be all over her, telling her what a jerk he his, and how badly he needs to change or get serious help. Or she'll be perfectly entitled in leaving him. But because it's a guy posting about his wife strapping the equivalent of 45 pounds of butter around her waist, he's a selfish pig. Makes perfect sense to me.

To the OP, I guess I see your wife as being similar to an alcoholic. You've done way more than seems should be necessary, but until she decides she needs to change, you're wasting your time, effort, and money. She needs to hit rock bottom somehow. It might be a kid calling her fatty, it might be a really unflattering picture posted on Facebook, it might be you leaving. But until she buys into making changes in either diet or activity levels, you're just pushing a rope. Uphill. In a rainstorm.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> So if I understand correctly, she put on 45 pounds in one year? That's 4 pounds a month. At 25 years old. If there's no physical or mental reason for that, it's very unhealthy, and not a good sign for the next 20 years, especially with childbearing in the future.
> 
> If this was a woman saying that she was no longer feeling sexual attraction to her husband because he had stopped bathing regularly, and stopped brushing his teeth and shaving, everyone would be all over her, telling her what a jerk he his, and how badly he needs to change or get serious help. Or she'll be perfectly entitled in leaving him. But because it's a guy posting about his wife strapping the equivalent of 45 pounds of butter around her waist, he's a selfish pig. Makes perfect sense to me.
> 
> ...


I didn't say that at all. I understand perfectly sexual attraction and yes, extra weight is not attractive to me. Having said that, he is a solid 25 pounds overweight himself at 5'4" and 175 unless he is built like an Ironman competitor. 
You are incorrect in that shaming fat people will make them change their ways, it won't. It will drive them further in to depression. How to encourage? Take stock in your own life and be the best YOU can and hope they come along for the joy ride. If not, then you have some decisions to make. Shaming does nothing though, not a thing.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I didn't say that at all. I understand perfectly sexual attraction and yes, extra weight is not attractive to me. Having said that, he is a solid 25 pounds overweight himself at 5'4" and 175 unless he is built like an Ironman competitor.
> You are incorrect in that shaming fat people will make them change their ways, it won't. It will drive them further in to depression. How to encourage? Take stock in your own life and be the best YOU can and hope they come along for the joy ride. If not, then you have some decisions to make. Shaming does nothing though, not a thing.


Sorry, I wasn't replying to your post, but to the multiple ones above yours. And I wasn't suggesting he shame her. I was saying that something may have to be the straw that breaks her back, that forces her to look at herself and decide she no longer wants to be overweight. I've heard from many women who caught themselves in a FB picture, and that's what drove them to change. 

In my case, my weight lose was driven by a health scare. I thought I was having a heart attack, but it ended up being a hiatal hernia causing acid reflux. The treatment was giving up a lot of good stuff like beer and chocolate, take antacids, and lose weight. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I didn't say that at all. I understand perfectly sexual attraction and yes, extra weight is not attractive to me. Having said that, he is a solid 25 pounds overweight himself at 5'4" and 175 unless he is built like an Ironman competitor.
> You are incorrect in that shaming fat people will make them change their ways, it won't. It will drive them further in to depression. How to encourage? Take stock in your own life and be the best YOU can and hope they come along for the joy ride. If not, then you have some decisions to make. Shaming does nothing though, not a thing.


Just pounds, yes I'd be overweight. But I am in good shape with lots of muscle mass. I personally don't use weight as a determining factor in fitness because you can get people like me who are heavy for their height, but have more muscle mass, or people who "by weight" are well within their allowable standards, but have more fat. 

I know shaming her won't. Which is why I never call her fat, tell her she's fat or use any derrogatory terms. When we do have these small discussions, I tell her that, yes, I've noticed she's gained weight. But that she's not fat. I encourage her to lose the weight. I'm always torn because I hate lying. I hate liars. But she also hates when he asks if I'm ok and I say no. And she asks why, and I tell her it's because she's been on my mind and I'm thinking about her change in weight. So I'm torn. I can either lie, put on a smile and say, "I'm fine", or break her heart while simultaneously getting her mad at me AND herself by saying, "No I'm not fine." And when she asks, "Is it me? Is it because I haven't lost the weight yet?" I don't want to lie. I don't think couples should lie to each other and I told while we were dating that I will speeak the truth, even if it's not what you want to hear. So when she asks that, I say "yes" and then she's pissed off at me and herself and starts to cry. And I HATE that it's my words and thoughts that make her cry. But I ca't change who I am. I like petite women, and she was the perfect petite woman when we were engaged and married. I mean, 1st place trophy wife, no one better. But she changed, and I can't change my beliefs and what I grew up to be. I can change my hair, my clothes, my shoes, my cars, anything like that, and I told her I'd be glad to for her if she ever wanted e to , but I can't change what I'm attracteed to any more than you can tell a straight guy to stop being attracted to girls, or tell someone to stop being attracted to (insert body shape here). It's just who I am. 

As the months go on and I see no change, my efforts become less and less. It turns into, "Why should I bother bringing up this workout plan. She'll have a reaso she can't do it." Or "Well, there's another 3 months with no weight loss." or "here it comes. The curt question of why it's not fair her piece of grilled chicken has to be smaller than mine." And like anything else in life, repeated attempts met with failure dishearten you and lower your morale. And so here I am, on a forum, looking for more methods or things I haven't tried in the half-hearted hope that one of them will FINALLY spark whatever it is she needs. Cause I've tried everything I've found so far. 

To the poster above who gave me the calorie counting website, it's not how I'd like her to get there (I wish she'd exercise and increase fitness not just count calories) but it's a start. I just hope she doesn't react the same way she did to the weight watchers points, complaining about how little she gets to eat.

HQ


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Cease the personal attacks.

That is all.


----------



## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

Have you ever thought about changing your sexual tastes? It can be done.....appreciate her for her beauty in and out ...because their are so many men that would go for her...

what do you look like......are you all that ?????..do you really want to possibly loose a great women over looks.....


----------



## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

You mentioned in your first post that she currently works different shifts. I can tell you from personal experience that it is really hard for your body to switch shifts around. My work schedule forces me to switch between night/day shifts. Ever since I started my current work, I've gained about 15 pounds over the few years. I feel exhausted all the time. I don't particularly like exercise in the first place, switching shifts and feeling chronically fatigued has made it worse. It's gotten so bad that I'm going to change my career in the coming months so that I can have a normal schedule again. 

It's possible that your wife who's also doing shift work is feeling the exhaustion of not getting quality sleep compared to someone who only work days. Is it possible for her to get a day job instead? She might be more willing to participate in a exercise routine if she has a fixed schedule.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Moiraine said:


> You mentioned in your first post that she currently works different shifts. I can tell you from personal experience that it is really hard for your body to switch shifts around. My work schedule forces me to switch between night/day shifts. Ever since I started my current work, I've gained about 15 pounds over the few years. I feel exhausted all the time. I don't particularly like exercise in the first place, switching shifts and feeling chronically fatigued has made it worse. It's gotten so bad that I'm going to change my career in the coming months so that I can have a normal schedule again.
> 
> It's possible that your wife who's also doing shift work is feeling the exhaustion of not getting quality sleep compared to someone who only work days. Is it possible for her to get a day job instead? She might be more willing to participate in a exercise routine if she has a fixed schedule.


Lack of good sleep is a very good point.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

hqusafa,

In one post you said that your wife is a good mother... does she have children who live with you?

When your wife first gained it weight, she had moved to a town where you were stationed, but you were deployed. So you were not with her. So she was probably did not know anyone there. I can only imagine how hard and depressing this was for her. This could be the reason for the initial weight gain.

Now she's working different shifts. She's tired all the time. She is most likely also depressed most of the time.

Look up what working night shifts and different shifts does to a person. One thing is causes is for a person to not sleep well. Lack of sleep or sleep that is not deep enough causes weight gain, depression, etc. People who regularly work night shifts and graveyard shifts are much more likely to develop heart decease, depression and for deceases.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

I'm not sure why my other post was taken down because it was not rude or attacking....so I'm posting again.

I am not judging you for your lack of desire for your wife, but I am challenging you to think about what your WIFE might be feeling and why she may now have trouble losing weight.

Women and men want to be loved and accepted for more than just their external packaging. You have told her you don't find her attractive and maybe for a small percentage of women, that may motivate them, but for many women, that would be a real turnoff and a real disappointment and not at all motivating. You said your wife was unemployed and had moved to be on your base while you were deployed, leaving her friends and family. This is a lot of stress and could case weight gain. And telling her you don't find her attractive and don't plan on staying with someone you don't desire probably felt really awful to her. Also comparing her to other men's wives is myopic, in my opinion. What about her other qualities? Maybe she has a prettier face, or is smarter or nicer than those other women. Maybe she is more loyal. To be jealous of other men's wives makes it seem like you care more about what people think of your wife and you...seems kind of insecure, really. There will always be men taller than you, smarter than you, kinder than you, richer than you, etc. How would you feel if your wife compared you to them? Probably not good.

The bottom line is that for many women, your behavior/attitude would feel really scary, disappointing, unmotivating, hurtful, and would probably trigger MORE emotional eating, not less. And your comment about her "maybe" losing just 10 lbs. also makes it seem like you are not going to be happy or encouraging unless she loses all 45 lbs. That surely won't help.

Your family's behavior doesn't sound "honest" but more judgemental and hurtful....not a good behavior to continue.

You can't change your wife. You can't force her to lose weight if she's not ready. You can't make her enjoy exercise (in fact, your pressure may cause her to feel like exercise is a chore to please YOU instead of something to do for herself). But you can change your perspective and what you choose to focus on in your marriage. It sounds like you could use more self esteem yourself so that you won't focus on what other men have. The grass is not always greener. But, if you are truly unhappy with your wife and she isn't losing the weight on your timetable, you really only have two choices - leave or stay and learn to deal with it.

You may also want to try stopping all focus and attention on her losing weight and just try to love her as is. Maybe if she feels that you love and accept her as is, she will have fewer negative emotions that need soothing through food. Your love and acceptance of where she is could be what improves the situation. Expressing your diapproval of her appearance isn't helpful in most cases. Just sayin'.


----------



## johniori1 (Dec 28, 2011)

Forgot to mention that she did VERY briefly also try weight watchers points and was immediately pissed off that I got more points than her just cause I'm "a man". I told her it's because I have more muscle mass and naturally will burn more calories just sitting there than she would sitting there, but she got upset that I could have fuller plates.


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Just curious.....when you were dating and you were stressing how important fitness was to you, was she actually fit or just thin? Was she a gym bunny? Did you guys work out together all the time? Did you have any idea what she did to keep that rockin' bod? 
Your wife has had some major changes in her life since marrying you. I suspect she is a bit depressed and that food makes her feel better, if only for a little while. Eating is her default setting, her solution to loneliness, boredom, a difficult work schedule, and your rejection. It is a mindless, quick fix to most of what is not working for her in her life. She knows she is overweight, and even if she didn't, she has you to tell her. She knows what she has to do to meet your expectations. She is just too stressed, hurt and confused to take on the enormous task of lifelong fitness. She knows she will have to spend endless hours performing an activity she does not like. She is aware she will never be able to enjoy food again. She will have to count calories, plan her food every day, avoid holiday celebrations involving food, watch you eat to satiation while she pushes away from the table still hungry. Pursuit of fitness is your passion. She knows it isn't hers and she isn't (and maybe never will be) ready to devote so much of her time to something that does not give her joy, only anxiety and stress.
As the formerly overweight spouse, I can tell you that weight loss and maintenance is nothing more than a full time job, a job that I stress over just as much as my real jobs as a wife, mother, and career woman. It is endless and exhausting and I assumed it because my husband, just as you, was not satisfied with my appearance. I would rather spend my time doing things I enjoy, but instead, spend time doing activities I do not care for in order to maintain an acceptable appearance. In addition, his "need" to have an attractive W at all costs (mostly at my expense) has strained our M. The way he spoke to me, threatened our marriage, insulted me......let me say that I will never feel the same towards him. 
I think the counseling might be a good idea as long as it isn't under the guise of "fixing her". The two of you need to explore why she has become addicted to food and she will need to get strong enough to address the addiction. You may need to lower your expectations of her looking like a fitness model and just accept her at a lower weight. She may never crave exercise and may only want to diet to lose weight. If you force her to do what you want, you risk her building up a ton of resentment which is another huge issue. She may have end up with a killer physique, but resentment is a libido torpedo for a woman.
Stop coveting what other couples have. You do not know what goes on behind closed doors. Those wives may love exercise and dieting, or they may have capitulated to their husband's ultimatums. There may be tons of resentment going on and they may be living lives of quiet desperation. As for female (and a lot of male) military personnel, it has been my observation that once out of the service, many do not have the time or inclination to continue the fitness regimen they followed while in the service and end up overweight.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get her pregnant. Do not use children as a bargaining chip. If she is not able to commit to achieving and maintaining a healthy weight for at least a couple of years, do not bring kids into the marriage. Go over to My Fat Spouse and read the tales of woe there.
And as an aside, be careful what you wish for. She may achieve the appearance you require but coupled with the resentment she has built up, find the attention and appreciation from other men intoxicating and move on to someone else.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> Women and men want to be loved and accepted for more than just their external packaging.


:iagree:

You know, if you do end up going through your life with the same person by your side that whole time, you both will end up going through so many changes, many of them physical - with the 'external packaging' changing quite a lot. If we are so blessed, we will all age, we will all get wrinkles, we will all sag, our hair may thin or disappear, our waistlines may expand, we may encounter any number of physical infirmities. 

Marriage is a great "people growing" machine that affords us those opportunities to see beyond ourselves and our own selfish desires, wants, and needs to those of another...thereby affording us tremendous gratification in the process.

"_To dream the person you would like your partner to be is to waste the person your partner is." ~ anon._


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> :iagree:
> 
> You know, if you do end up going through your life with the same person by your side that whole time, you both will end up going through so many changes, many of them physical - with the 'external packaging' changing quite a lot. If we are so blessed, we will all age, we will all get wrinkles, we will all sag, our hair may thin or disappear, our waistlines may expand, we may encounter any number of physical infirmities.
> 
> ...


Everybody changes, that's for sure. Gravity, etc hits us all. What I am saying is that we have an obligation to our partner to look our best. I am not saying dolled up 24/7 but I think it IS resonable to assume that if our partner (in OP's case) is 130 when they meet that gaining to 175 is a turnoff and that she is not holding up her end. Berating her (or allowing others to) is not the anwer though. Positive reinforcement is.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Template said:


> Your wife has had some major changes in her life since marrying you. I suspect she is a bit depressed and that food makes her feel better, if only for a little while. Eating is her default setting, her solution to loneliness, boredom, a difficult work schedule, and your rejection. It is a mindless, quick fix to most of what is not working for her in her life. She knows she is overweight, and even if she didn't, she has you to tell her. She knows what she has to do to meet your expectations. She is just too stressed, hurt and confused to take on the enormous task of lifelong fitness. She knows she will have to spend endless hours performing an activity she does not like. She is aware she will never be able to enjoy food again. She will have to count calories, plan her food every day, avoid holiday celebrations involving food, watch you eat to satiation while she pushes away from the table still hungry. Pursuit of fitness is your passion. She knows it isn't hers and she isn't (and maybe never will be) ready to devote so much of her time to something that does not give her joy, only anxiety and stress.
> 
> In addition, his "need" to have an attractive W at all costs (mostly at my expense) has strained our M. The way he spoke to me, threatened our marriage, insulted me......let me say that I will never feel the same towards him.
> 
> ...



This post was EXCELLENT. Thank you for sharing, Template! It is probably not what the OP wants to hear, but it's the reality.


----------



## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Everybody changes, that's for sure. Gravity, etc hits us all. What I am saying is that we have an obligation to our partner to look our best. I am not saying dolled up 24/7 but I think it IS resonable to assume that if our partner (in OP's case) is 130 when they meet that gaining to 175 is a turnoff and that she is not holding up her end. Berating her (or allowing others to) is not the anwer though. Positive reinforcement is.


See, I don't think that this is an all or nothing thing. Maybe she isn't his version of an ideal weight, but does that mean she's a total failure in all aspects of marriage? Is someone either gorgeous or heinously ugly? Are people evil or saintly? Totally lazy or industrious? 

And since when do we only find 100% perfection in all areas acceptable in marriage? There are PLENTY of ways that my husband does not hold up his end and the same goes for me. If I cast my spouse aside for not measuring up in one area, what does that say about me and about my commitment to the marriage? Not very much.

Based on the OP's post, it seems that his attraction to his wife has nore to do with how he thinks other people view him. He called her a "pefect trophy wife" when they met and then compares her with jealousy to the other men's wives. That has less to do with her and more to do with his own ego/insecurity....how she reflects on HIM.


----------



## I'mAllIn (Oct 20, 2011)

hqusafa said:


> To the poster above who gave me the calorie counting website, it's not how I'd like her to get there (I wish she'd exercise and increase fitness not just count calories) but it's a start. I just hope she doesn't react the same way she did to the weight watchers points, complaining about how little she gets to eat.
> HQ


I totally understand personal attraction, and know that you can't make yourself be sexually attracted to a body type that you just aren't. 
However, this comment really struck me wrong. You're basically saying it's not even enough that she get back down to the size she was, but you even want her to do it your way! That sounds a little controlling, which she might be unconsciously pushing back against. 

I'd suggest looking at the shift work as part of the problem. The only time I had a real weight problem was when I worked rotating shifts. It threw off my internal clock, I was constantly exhausted but unable to really get any real quality sleep. I got so depressed that I just couldn't do anything about it. Luckily my husband saw what was going on and encouraged me to find another job. It took a full three months to get my sleep cycles back on track and start feeling human again, and another six months to loose the weight I'd gained.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You seem to want to control how she loses weight. This is bizarre to me. what difference does it make how she does it?

My husband got very skinny for a while and it wasn't attractive. But he was still hot to me...cause he just rocks! He has, however, gained about 20 pounds since the big R  And i LOOOVE his pot belly.

Everyone has a different taste.


----------



## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

I totally get what you (the OP) are saying about weight gain. But, I do wonder if you are not looking at yourself with rose colored glasses. 5'4" 170+ pounds, in your case, seems to be pretty stocky. 

Fortunately, your wife was accepting of a man her own height. Many women want a man 3 or 4" taller than she is so when she slips on a pair of high heels she is not taller. My own wife almost drove away from our first date when she saw me standing there and thought I may be too short and I am three inches taller than her! 

Hopefully, the deployment is not for too much longer and the two of you can work on getting in better shape together. I do not imagine that a military marriage with one person deployed overseas is easy for either person. 

Best of luck to the two of you.


----------



## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

It sounds like you have been too aggressive about her losing weight and now she's turned off by the whole issue. I'm sure the more you push the less she wants to lose weight. I would take a less aggressive tack. As someone above asked, was she a total gym rat when you met, or just skinny but not super into exercise?

However, her weight gain is definitely too much and unhealthy. A 27-year-old shouldn't have that kind of weight gain in that period of time. It does not bode well for her future weight and health. Anyone here who is apologizing for this kind of weight gain really is ridiculous. She does need to want to lose weight herself and not just for you. For a lot of people once they really get into an exercise routine and realize the good feelings it creates it becomes harder to not exercise than to exercise. Sounds like she just can't fall into a routine. Re: the work shifts, that does sound pretty draining. I realize it's not always the best thing but does she try drinking caffeine after work to have the energy to exercise? Always works for me if I'm especially tired after a long day.

Also, I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt and assuming you have very low body fat and good strength to weight ratio, otherwise 5'4' and 175 is overweight and you should not be throwing stones.


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I think it's bogus that someone offered up a suggestion of counting calories, which is an effective weight loss strategy, and that's not a good enough way for you....I would figure losing weight is losing weight, and maybe after she loses some weight counting calories, she'll be up for going to the gym...


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

hqusafa said:


> And just flip a switch in my brain and say, "I'm now attracted to overweight women."? It's not about loving her. I love her. It's about not being attracted to her. She'd be a wonderful wife, wonderful mother, and anyone would be lucky to be with her till death do them part, but I'm no longer attracted to her. So just go the next 40 years of my life either not having sex with her, or just not looking forward to it and just hoping it's over soon so she can put some clothes on is the answer?


It's a tough call. I have trouble relating because my wife has gained about 60 pounds since wedding day and I still find her very attractive. But not all men like the same things. 

Not sure if you've been asked this..but how old are you?


----------



## FrankKissel (Nov 14, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Everybody changes, that's for sure. Gravity, etc hits us all. What I am saying is that we have an obligation to our partner to look our best. I am not saying dolled up 24/7 but I think it IS resonable to assume that if our partner (in OP's case) is 130 when they meet that gaining to 175 is a turnoff and that she is not holding up her end. Berating her (or allowing others to) is not the anwer though. Positive reinforcement is.


Perfectly stated.
I can't comprehend why some think it's somehow untoward for a spouse to expect a reasonable effort from his/her partner to maintain his/her looks, fitness and attractiveness. Obviously there's a certain amount that goes away with age. That's natural. Packing on an additional 45 pounds is not and there's nothing wrong with the OP (gently) voicing his displeasure over it.

Physical attraction is almost always a significant part of how a couple got together in the first place. Why should that be less important after marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

Of course physical attraction is what brings two people together initially... that's the biological system at work. I would hope to think that as a relationship grows, and into marriage, the emotional maturity would grow as well. That there is SO much more to life, love and marriage than the INITIAL physical attraction. 

To the OP: As you have mentioned you are not tall ... and as you duly noted, you can't change that... your wife married you AS YOU ARE! Do you think her so shallow and demand that you wear platform shoes so that you are an inch or two taller? She has gone through quite an emotional lifepath change by relocating away from her family, a poor work environment, and it has taken its toll on her. Don't focus on the effect of the weight gain, concentrate on the cause and work from there.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

RoseRed said:


> Of course physical attraction is what brings two people together initially... that's the biological system at work. I would hope to think that as a relationship grows, and into marriage, the emotional maturity would grow as well. That there is SO much more to life, love and marriage than the INITIAL physical attraction.
> 
> To the OP: As you have mentioned you are not tall ... and as you duly noted, you can't change that... your wife married you AS YOU ARE! Do you think her so shallow and demand that you wear platform shoes so that you are an inch or two taller? She has gone through quite an emotional lifepath change by relocating away from her family, a poor work environment, and it has taken its toll on her. Don't focus on the effect of the weight gain, concentrate on the cause and work from there.


Actually physical attraction is what keeps us together as well. I have met elderly couples who still see each other as the 20 somethings they were when they met. The key is that they both have worked to maintain themselves as best they can. 
You mentioned height. Height is not something a person can help, you are as tall as you are and OP's wife was fine with his height. If she demanded that he be taller, that would be unfair of her. 
Let's flip this a bit. I am only attracted to tall men. Part of my attraction to my husband was his height. What if he were to come home 1 foot shorter because HE decided he wanted to shorten his legs? Would it be reasonable for me to say my attraction was still as great? Again, this would be he decided NOT an accident/injury which is a totally different ballgame. 
I understand what you are saying about love the person as they are and in a perfect world, this would happen but that isn't reality. We are all attracted to who we are attracted to. 
He is going about this all the wrong way. Some of his wording ticked me off. His wife isn't a trophy, she's a person and yes I agree that being in a new place is stressful as all get out. He needs to use positive words of encouragement rather than negative. To someone who is already overweight and hurting, negative words press them further down and their motivation goes away.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

My mother in law called me fat in front of a bunch of people. She also called my SIL and complained that both me and her son gained weight. Luckily, we love each other at this size, even though both of us could stand to lose a few. My husband discussed the comment with his mother, because nobody is going to disrespect his wife.

I hate exercise too. So I have started to walk every day for forty minutes. There is nothing like taking a nice trip on foot with music blasting in my ears. It doesn't feel like a workout, but I have already lost an inch after less than two weeks. I also told my husband to buy more fruit and raw vegetables for me to snack on.

Walking is great exercise for those who hate to work out. You must also be patient and considerate of her feelings.


----------



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Original poster: Sounds like you married her body and not her soul.

I watched a show the other night on tv about these elderly couples who couldn't keep their hands off each other. They were all over 65. Some were fat, some were not so attractive. Yet they still had active sex lives and swore it was better than ever.

Try counselling to get a different perspective on your wife.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com
> 
> I hate working out. HATE IT. I do need to tone though...i'll get to that soon.
> 
> However,, that site helped me lose almost 40 pounds this year...just by monitoring my calories. I keep a daily log of what I eat and that site does the math for me. It's awesome.


I checked out the website and mentioned to her today that I found a website that would help her reach her goal of losing the weight (she does want to lose the weight, it's just i don't see her doing anything to get there, just seems to want to do it but not try things). She responded with, "I don't think I'm disciplined enough to constantly write what i eat in there." I told her they have an app for her phone so she can just whip it out, and you don't even have to put the servings, just literally pick what food you ate and how many, and she responded again that she doesn't think it'll work for her cause she doesn't think she has the discipline to keep writing it in. So she gave up on it without trying it.


template said:


> st curious.....when you were dating and you were stressing how important fitness was to you, was she actually fit or just thin? Was she a gym bunny? Did you guys work out together all the time? Did you have any idea what she did to keep that rockin' bod?


Well I saw her eating well, not eating out or eating junk food, but I guess she must have just been thin and not actually worked out. I know she told me she always took the stairs at work and had to walk alot (pharmacy technician refilling machines at a hospital), but I guess the thinness had more to do with her eating sandwiches and more healthy because she couldn't afford to spend money on fast food or junk food.


> Everybody changes, that's for sure. Gravity, etc hits us all. What I am saying is that we have an obligation to our partner to look our best.


Not just look our best, but I feel that when someone falls in love and wants to marry someone, it's for a TOTAL PACKAGE. It's not, "I dated this person for this and this and this, but after marriage whatever they want to change is fine with me." If you don't like a certain aspect about someone, why would you marry them? And with that thinking, if you marry someone for their totality, accepting them as who they are both inside and out when you say, "I do", why is it wrong for me to be upset when shortly after saying, "I do", part of that inside or out changed. And it's not something I would have expected. Or something fundamentally important to me enough that I wouldn't have dated a person with that inner or outer quality. Let's say you married someone because you were both adventerous and had a wonderful hobby you both enjoyed immensely together. Let's say you were both avid hikers. And after a year, one decided they don't want to hike anymore. And you can either go on your own and not enjoy their company, or you can't go anymore. That's just not fair. That's not who you married. You had dreams of hiking wonderful places together, and now, through the other persons actions and choices without consulting you, those dreams are gone. It's hard to come up with similar situations.


laurae1967 said:


> And since when do we only find 100% perfection in all areas acceptable in marriage? There are PLENTY of ways that my husband does not hold up his end and the same goes for me. If I cast my spouse aside for not measuring up in one area, what does that say about me and about my commitment to the marriage? Not very much.


If you don't hold up your end, do you try to correct it and get back to holding up your end? Or did you just decide you're not going to and you're not going to try to anymore? Also, I'm not casting her aside. I'm still here, right? I've listed many ways that I've tried to help her get back to being in shape, I've discussed it many times with her, I'm on a forum asking for help to fix this issue. That's not "casting aside".


I'mAllIn said:


> I totally understand personal attraction, and know that you can't make yourself be sexually attracted to a body type that you just aren't.
> However, this comment really struck me wrong. You're basically saying it's not even enough that she get back down to the size she was, but you even want her to do it your way! That sounds a little controlling, which she might be unconsciously pushing back against.


Yeah. It came out wrong. I'm not really trying to "control" the how. 

_But a quick story...when I was younger, I was an only child. Without a sibling to play with and my father working odd hours as a policeman, my mother told me I can only ride my bike if I went with her. Got a brand new bike for christmas, and begged her to go on a ride. We got on our bikes, and went two blocks before my mom said, "I can't go anymore. We have to go back." She was out of shape. And couldn't ride more than two blocks. So anytime I wanted to ride my bike, I could only ride it back and forth in front my house while she sat on the porch. It was EXTREMELY depressing to me as a kid having a wonderful bike and not being able to go anywhere because my mom couldn't go far. Couple that with walks in the park, walks TO the park, walking around a theme park (having to stop to rest at a bench inbetween every ride), etc. etc. I don't want any future children I might have to be saddened and depressed because their parents can't ride a bike with them. I swore I'd never be out of shape and have to put them in that position._


that_girl said:


> You seem to want to control how she loses weight. This is bizarre to me. what difference does it make how she does it?


I don't really want to control the how, but please see the above story (in italics) as to why I really want to stress exercise.


secondtimesthecharm said:


> I totally get what you (the OP) are saying about weight gain. But, I do wonder if you are not looking at yourself with rose colored glasses. 5'4" 170+ pounds, in your case, seems to be pretty stocky. ...Fortunately, your wife was accepting of a man her own height. Many women want a man 3 or 4" taller than she is so when she slips on a pair of high heels she is not taller.


Yes. I'm very stocky, but I do have muscle mass and muscle definition. Not saying she needs to be Miss USA, I just want the woman I married back. As for the women wanting someone taller, that's exactly my point. It's totally acceptable for a woman to have physical standards and it's not "shallow" for them to dismiss someone and not even consider them because they're too tall and they'll "look silly" next to them in heels. But everyone gets on a guy's case when he has physical standards. It's not fair and I don't subscribe to it. As they say, "the heart wants what it wants". And for most women that's a man 3 to 4 inches taller. For some women it's a man a foot taller. For ME, it's someone who is not overweight.


CWM0842 said:


> Re: the work shifts, that does sound pretty draining. I realize it's not always the best thing but does she try drinking caffeine after work to have the energy to exercise? Always works for me if I'm especially tired after a long day.


She decided she wanted to quit caffeine about a year ago. She felt it'd be a good diet and something she wanted to do. I fully support her in this, and whenever I have the option, I make sure my drinks are all decaf as well so she won't feel bad watching me drink coke. So if I drink soda, and the restaurant or store has it, I'm buying decaf. Needless to say, this means no energy drinks for either of us.


sinnister said:


> Not sure if you've been asked this..but how old are you?


I just turned 29, she just turned 27.


FrankKisel said:


> Physical attraction is almost always a significant part of how a couple got together in the first place. Why should that be less important after marriage?


Much better put than how I've been trying to say it. That's how I feel.


RoseRed said:


> That there is SO much more to life, love and marriage than the INITIAL physical attraction.


I agree. Which is why I didn't try to marry just any woman that looked good. I wanted the "total package". And she was it. Just now she's missing a (to me) important part of that package.


> He is going about this all the wrong way. Some of his wording ticked me off. His wife isn't a trophy, she's a person and yes I agree that being in a new place is stressful as all get out. He needs to use positive words of encouragement rather than negative. To someone who is already overweight and hurting, negative words press them further down and their motivation goes away.


Yes, my wording sucks. I'm no poet, and it's hard for me to get across in words how I feel really. Especially since I have strong feelings about this. if you read the first post, I listed the various ways I've tried to go about it. Inviting her to workout, offering professional assistance, talking about it, etc. Not sure if that's the right way, but that's why I'm here. To learn about other ways to go about this and hopefully one of them will work. Words of encouragement, I try. She went to the track today with me and was upset that it took her a half hour to get around it (2 mile track). I told her that was great because she hasn't done it in a VERY long time and that's not bad at all (which is IS great and not bad at all.) Then I told her, she'll see how when she does it a few more times, that time will go down AND it'll feel a little easier each time. The big question I have now, is when will she agree to go again. Cause she hasn't been there in about 4 months before today.


leroycat said:


> Wow! I have two teenage daughters and you are my nightmare future son-in-law. My fear is that I spend 20 years teaching my girls to love themselves and some ass like you comes along and crushes their self esteem on the 4th date.


We're not talking about a fourth date. We're talking about three years. Just think about how you'd feel if your daughter found this awesome guy, married him, and a year later he decided to quit his job and live off your daughter's money while playing world of warcraft every day. It's not my situation, but it's not who she married and a situation she got the opportunity to discuss and agree to. Would you tell her, "Love him anyway. Better or worse hon." Or would you think, "Wow. That's not who she married and she's not happy in the relationship. They need to find a way to fix this."


brokenbythis said:


> Original poster: Sounds like you married her body and not her soul.
> 
> I watched a show the other night on tv about these elderly couples who couldn't keep their hands off each other. They were all over 65. Some were fat, some were not so attractive. Yet they still had active sex lives and swore it was better than ever.


I married her body AND soul. And now half of that statement is no longer there. And yes, I could live a happy life coming home to her. But the sex is just not good anymore. And while there was talk of the show of couples who couldn't keep their hands off each other anymore, how many couples happily stay together for the next 40 or 50 years that DON'T have sex, or when they do, they it's rare and they don't enjoy it? THAT'S the situation I seem to be headed towards.


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

"I've discussed it many times with her, I'm on a forum asking for help to fix this issue. That's not "casting aside"."

IMHO you are not trying to fix the issue, you are trying to fix her. She knows you find her lacking both in appearance and in the moral character necessary to do what you want her to do. I am certain she is aware she looks like a complete failure to you. She has attempted to change to meet your standards and failed at every attempt. What a miserable way to live.

Go to counseling and see if you can reach a compromise.

Or try this.....put weight loss on the back burner for a while. I am sure you are sick of being disappointed and she is sick of disappointing you. Lead your regular lives. Your marriage is pretty good in most other areas, right? Treat her in a loving manner. Try to figure out what her emotional needs are and do your best to meet them. When the issue of sex comes up, do what you can given you are not attracted to her physically and if she asks, just tell her you love her but aren't attracted to her that way. No pressure. Give it a couple months. Perhaps if she does not feel scrutinized she will start making changes in her diet to lose weight. Don't take note of her attempt, don't offer advice unless asked, don't make any kind of a deal out of it unless she asks and then be kind but not effusive in your praise. I know this would be real difficult for you given your penchant for exercise and fitness, need to be in control, and impatience to get her fixed now, but sometimes you just have to sit back and let nature take its' course. If you allow your wife to be self motivated, she will not build up resentment. If it doesn't work, you have lost a couple months and tried everything. It may be "tough decision" time then.
I, personally, use my Smart Phone to track my food intake every day on the DailyBurn app. It is so way easier than writing on a piece of paper and the app has so many foods already listed that it takes seconds to put in a meal. Because it is so easy, I am much more accurate in listing my food and more successful in losing weight. 
Also, I noticed a recurrent theme in your posts. You seem to be struck by the fact that you haven't been treated fairly (bike you could not enjoy, wife you cannot enjoy). If you base your happiness on whether you are treated fairly by others or by situations, you will always be disappointed. Life is not fair and there is no way you can control it to make it fair. Try to be grateful for the things that are good and make you happy and focus less on things that don't. Fairness becomes less important that way.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sometimes it's easier to lose the weight, THEN exercise.

You still seem controlling. I read your story...I understand your concern...but your wife is her own person. That's her body. not yours.

Too bad she gave up on that website. It's soooo easy!  My one friend said she could never do it...but 50 pounds later, she did it!


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

hqusafa said:


> I married her body AND soul. And now half of that statement is no longer there. And yes, I could live a happy life coming home to her. But the sex is just not good anymore. And while there was talk of the show of couples who couldn't keep their hands off each other anymore, how many couples happily stay together for the next 40 or 50 years that DON'T have sex, or when they do, they it's rare and they don't enjoy it? THAT'S the situation I seem to be headed towards.


You know everyone has, rightly, their own subjective view on being fat (it’s obvious what mine is, right?). 

The problem you have (apart from your wife being fat and all that goes with it, diabetes etc. etc.) is that while she found it ever so easy to put the fat on, it is oh so difficult to take it off. It’s probably a million times harder to lose the fat than it is to gain it.

To even begin a fat losing regime your wife needs a reason to do so. Like a massive embarrassment where she can’t get up out of a chair in a public place, pooing in her pants, or being told she has six months to live or that she can never have children.

And even if she does begin a fat losing regime she’ll need even more reasons to stick with it. And that is why most fat people stay fat!



Marriages fail over a God like clash of values. It’s the value you will not compromise under any circumstances or for any reasons. If your values for sex and health is such that your wife’s fatness is actually causing you sadness and grief not only in the present but also when you look into the future then you may well end your marriage.

And if you do serve her with divorce papers then maybe, just maybe that will be the kick she needs to start a fat losing regime. But even then if that gets you back with her, will she continue with a healthy lifestyle way into the future? The odds are that she wont because she has to do it for herself, not for you, not for anybody else but herself.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But right now, she just doesn't want to lose weight.

She doesn't want your comments, your suggestions or your 'help'.

She doesn't want encouragement or motivation.

She does.not.want.it.

That's the reality.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And how utterly soul-killing to get divorce papers because you're fat.

Yea, that's going to lead to intimacy in the future. 

BETTER BE PERFECT OR HE'LL DIVORCE ME!

Great marriage. Wow.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's probably emotionally eating because she knows her husband thinks she's fat and gross.

I couldn't live that way. I'd leave him. My husband likes me at any size. I've been big (after baby and during an illness) and I've been small. Doesn't matter to him.


----------



## leroycat (Dec 30, 2011)

Laurae1967 said:


> You sound like an AWESOME father. I doubt your girls will end up with a guy like this. You have taught them to love themselves and girls who have good self esteem aren't attracted to selfish, narcissistic men usually. I would not worry and kudos to you!


I'm actually their mother  and thank you I hope you're right!


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

I appreciate some of the helpful suggestions and ideas I've been given by some of the posters. THAT GIRL, thank you for suggesting that website, unfortunately she didn't want to try it. To those few that understand that I'm just dissapointed because I believe a marriage depends on both physical and emotional attraction instead of ONLY emotional attraction, thank you. If you think attraction and love should only be on an emotional level, I think you're deluding yourself, unless you were some rare instance of someone who fell in love and married and never met the person before, taking age, gender, and physical appearance completely out of the equation.

I know I can't force her to change. But she wants to chane on her own. I'm trying to find ways to help her to change, but she seem to have an excuse to every suggestiong I have. I'll continue to try to help her however much she wants, but fact of the matter is, when we discussed being ogether forever, we DID discuss physical appearance and how it could bear on our relationship. She told me her expectations of me - don't get fat for no reason, however if it was medical or otherwise unavoidable it's fine. And she didn't want me to gain so much muscle I became all veins like the cover of some muscle magazine. She told me she doesn't like facial hair and asked I refrain from having it. I was fine with all those and have continued to abide by it. However she hasn't abided by my requests. So yes I'm dissapointed. And I'm not going to be able to change what I'm attracted to. If you're someone who can change what you're attracted to to suit your spouse, power to you. I'm not. I am who I am, and I found a woman who accepted me and loved me as I am, including my faults. And I accepted her and loved her as she was. It's just now she's changed who she is, and it's a part of her I had loved and told her previously was very important to me. And I'm sad. And it sucks. 

You can call me what you will, but I believe you just don't "get it". If your spouse changed a vital part of him/her that attracted you to him/her, you'd be sad and dissapointed too. And you would be less attracted. Whether that part is physical appearance or a certain value or how he treats you. If you loved her cause she treated you like a king and after marriage she treated you like dirt, you'd be sad too. It's no different. It's something that changed, and you would want the person you married back.

If anyone else has any other suggestions on how to help her lose the weight that she wants to lose as well, and how to get the girl I married back, please let me know.

HQ


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My two cents, but you did mention that she does want to change.

Just wondering if you have said to her... if you leave her alone and trust that she will find what works for her, would that make a difference? Just wondering if it is a battle of not doing it just because you are in her face about it \ maybe too aggressive about making her do it. 

I totally understand how the physical appearance thing is affecting you.

But--- if you backed off and TRUSTED her to figure it out on her own what's the harm in that? She might not do anything right away, other than be glad you aren't pushing her for awhile. I'm not saying just give up on it, but actually TELL her that you trust she knows it's important, and you trust that she will find her own way to get to that goal. And let it be. Don't badger her. Dont' give her a deadline. 

The other thing I did not see in your posts was much about eating habits, other than you like to eat out and she eats the same portions as you and that is why she gained weight.

Eating caused this weight gain. And unless you both change what you eat as a lifestyle, it might not ever go away. 

There is a formula for everyone. Calories in \ calories out. It is affected by other issues in the body, but there is a metabolism rate. 

Take a nutrition class together. Don't call it a diet. Learn how to eat for nutrition. Stop eating out so much, and learn how to cook together. Make it about being healthy. period. Silly things like half your plate should be vegetables. The other half should be equal amounts of meat and starch. That's just for healthier eating. 

I will add a disclaimer here to my advice. I've been a juvie diabetic for many years. Food is always on my mind. I do understand that a LOT of people don't know what I know about food. And eating to feed your body is a concept that can be learned, but it's against the norm of society to eat for pleasure. 

Maybe it should not be about dieting, but correcting the eating methods that caused the weight gain in the first place. Just my opinion.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi HQ ~

A few things I can think of. The first is, it sounds like your wife is well aware of her weight issue and your concerns about it. So, I would quit bringing it up as a dissatisfaction issue on your side. If it ever comes up at all, it should be as a more positive healthy lifestyle issue that encompasses both of you as a family. You mention that this is your second marriage and your first wife also gained weight, so hopefully your current wife doesn't have a sense of desperation and failure from you over this - and your issues with your first wife's weight are not bleeding through into your relationship with your current wife.

And that brings up another concern. Do you think your wife could be depressed? Has she ever been evaluated by a competent doctor/psychologist for this? She's had a lot of changes and stresses - moving from family/friends, job loss, weight gain, loss of self-esteem. It might be something to look into if you haven't.

Along with that, you mention she is on some kind of medication that could cause weight gain? Has she been to the doctor to discuss this? Is there an alternative med for her to take?

Is she on any kind of hormonal birth control? Some kinds are notorious for also helping cause some weight gain. So anything that can be changed so that her body can be in a more natural state of hormonal balance may help as well.

deejov had some good advice about healthy eating. Changing your lifestyle together so that you eat out less, eat healtheir food at home, and eat smaller portions (and more often) will help. You can literally remove your standard size dinner plate from your home and replace it with a smaller size plate and use that at every meal.

As well, movement is a big help. And exercise does not need to be going to the gym or anything fancy. Simply reaching for her hand each evening, looking in her eyes, and saying "Let's go for a walk around the neighborhood together and talk and look at all the houses" can be a step in the right direction. It will also help you connect with each other on a different level if you do it together, hand in hand. Do you guys have a dog at all? Another thing that gets me out the door everyday is having the dogs look at me, begging to go for their walk.

And finally, positive praise, encouragement, and love goes so much further than anything else. Let your wife know that you love her, praise her for her other admirable qualities and characteristics, gently encourage when she is down, and positively acknowledge when she does make a movement in a positive direction.

Best wishes.


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

OP-
Women do get it. We get that most men are visually stimulated and that visual attraction is tantamount to men in a sexual relationship. We get it, we just rebel against it because to many women, it reduces our value to the physical, completely discounting the many other positive accomplishments we have achieved. But that is a topic for another thread.
You came here citing your many attempts to get your wife to meet your standards of attractiveness and your frustration at their lack of success. Multiple posters have told you that you are too controlling and are not helping your wife or your situation, but rather building up resentment and resistance in her. Your way is just not working.
deejov and I have both encouraged you to back off and let her find her way. She wants to lose weight, but your constant "suggestions" and attempts to manage that program will not allow her to develop what works for her. You love the fitness lifestyle and I think a big part of this is that you want her to love it, too. I think you picture going to the gym with a rockin' hot wife and having other guys drooling over your good fortune being married to a hottie.
So, I am going to reiterate. Back the heck off and let her find her way. She needs to find what works for her. It may not be your idealized fitness program, but as long as she is thin, what is the difference? Do not "encourage" her to lose weight. Do not offer "suggestions" on losing weight. Be nice in your every day life. Try looking at what might be lacking in your marriage that you could do something about. Read His Needs, Her Needs and try to figure out what her emotional needs are and quietly go about meeting them. Take into consideration that a happy, secure wife does not stuff negative feelings down with a bag of Doritos. When it comes to sex, do what you can, but if things do not go well, and she asks, tell her you love her but you are not that attracted to her right now. No nasty comments about her weight, either. That just makes a girl run to the freezer to hook up with the non judgmental Ben and Jerry.
Will this be difficult? I suspect it will be as difficult for you to back off as it will be for her to lose weight. You seem like a take charge fellow, someone who likes to be in charge of all things. It will be a strain for you to let her take the lead in losing weight. That is why I suggested you use the time to figure out how to meet her emotional needs. In that way, you are helping her to connect better in your marriage, thereby improving it. If she feels supported and loved as a person, she will feel better about herself and want to meet her obligation to be attractive to you. Just back off.
I am telling you this from personal experience. My H was very much like you. I finally knuckled under to his demands and lost the weight. He did nothing to address the reasons I overate and did nothing to meet my emotional needs. I will never feel the same about him and harbor a great deal of resentment. Yeah, I look good, but I have no interest in doing ANYTHING with him. He got the pretty package he thought was so important, but he killed the contents in doing so. Other men now look at me and I am sure they think he is pretty lucky to have a good looking wife. They just don't know what it cost him.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Template said:


> OP-
> Women do get it. We get that most men are visually stimulated and that visual attraction is tantamount to men in a sexual relationship. We get it, we just rebel against it because to many women, it reduces our value to the physical, completely discounting the many other positive accomplishments we have achieved. But that is a topic for another thread.
> You came here citing your many attempts to get your wife to meet your standards of attractiveness and your frustration at their lack of success. Multiple posters have told you that you are too controlling and are not helping your wife or your situation, but rather building up resentment and resistance in her. Your way is just not working.
> deejov and I have both encouraged you to back off and let her find her way. She wants to lose weight, but your constant "suggestions" and attempts to manage that program will not allow her to develop what works for her. You love the fitness lifestyle and I think a big part of this is that you want her to love it, too. I think you picture going to the gym with a rockin' hot wife and having other guys drooling over your good fortune being married to a hottie.
> ...


Template ~

Awesome post! Nothing speaks as loudly as the voice of experience!


----------



## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

Does she like video games??? I know that I lost some weight playing DDR, back in the day, and now I have a Kinect and I love it, even the workout games don't seem like a work out, there are pretty fun....I used to be a video game fanatic, so this kind of works out for me, when I have time...


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

The video game sounds like a good idea. We have a WII, but she hasn't really gotten too into the dance games. On party nights when we invite friends, a little, but not on her own. Something to look into though. She tried a wii workout program, but didn't like it because it was hard. She also tried a wii yoga program but didn't like it. Other than that, she doesn't have or hasn't expressed interest in any wii dance stuff.

As far as bringing it up to her, I don't bring it up to her often. We talk about it about once every few months. The reason I'm here is because it's been about a year since our first discussion, and in 12 months there hasn't been any noticeable change, and I see so much of her starting something, and immediately giving up due to either it being "too hard" or getting frustrated. I know that working out is hard, and if it were easy, everyone would be in great shape all the time. But I'm trying to find ways to let her know to keep at it, or other ideas to find something that she WILL continue, even though it's hard. I'm pretty bummed that she gave up on the calorie counter mentioned by THAT GIRL. She didn't even TRY it! She just said, "I don't think I'll be able to do that and keep up with it." I mean at least TRY something.

I get the sense that she'd rather complain about being overweight than do something about it. 

I DO leave her alone quite a lot and don't bring it up often at all. Just once every few months when she complains about clothes not fitting or talking about how she needs to go shopping to buy more clothes that fit, I use that as an opportunity to suggest ways to lose weight.


> I am telling you this from personal experience. My H was very much like you. I finally knuckled under to his demands and lost the weight. He did nothing to address the reasons I overate and did nothing to meet my emotional needs. I will never feel the same about him and harbor a great deal of resentment. Yeah, I look good, but I have no interest in doing ANYTHING with him. He got the pretty package he thought was so important, but he killed the contents in doing so. Other men now look at me and I am sure they think he is pretty lucky to have a good looking wife. They just don't know what it cost him.


That's what I'm afraid of. That's why I don't FORCE her to go the gym, but I'm wondering if I'm an "enabler" because of this fear. When we go out, she'll ask me in her cute voice, "Can I get a piece of cake? Can I slice of cookie cake? Can we pickup icecream?" Stuff like that. Stuff that I know is the reason she gained weight, and it feels like a lose-lose situation to me. I say YES, she's happy, but she's taking in bad food and I know she's not doing anything to work it off. I say NO, and she gets sad and possibly upset thinking that I'm saying NO because I'm thinking at that moment "No. You eat too much" or something like that. It sucks being put in that position. Make me happy and continue to enable me, or piss me off are the two choices I'm offerred.


> Your way is just not working.
> deejov and I have both encouraged you to back off and let her find her way...Back the heck off and let her find her way. She needs to find what works for her. It may not be your idealized fitness program, but as long as she is thin, what is the difference? Do not "encourage" her to lose weight. Do not offer "suggestions" on losing weight. Be nice in your every day life....When it comes to sex, do what you can, but if things do not go well, and she asks, tell her you love her but you are not that attracted to her right now. No nasty comments about her weight, either. That just makes a girl run to the freezer to hook up with the non judgmental Ben and Jerry.
> Will this be difficult? I suspect it will be as difficult for you to back off as it will be for her to lose weight. You seem like a take charge fellow, someone who likes to be in charge of all things.


I feel as though only bringing it up every few months IS backing off, but I can continue to just ignore it for the time being. I feel that in 12 months she hasn't found her way, but it seems to me by the way she phrases things that she wants me to just accept the new overweight her. Stuff like, "Well I'll work out, but what if I don't get back to the weight I was?" I respond with, "Hon, you were in great shape by not working out at a gym. If you eat right and work out, it'd be impossible for you NOT to be in good shape. And don't worry about weight, go by how healthy you feel and how you look. I'm heavy by weight standards, but I feel great and can perform athletically. Stop focusing on weight and if you eat right and work out, you WILL get in better shape." But she hasn't done that.

I can be honest and tell her when she wants to have sex, "Sorry. I'm just not attracted to you right now," but won't that kill her even more than me suggesting a website to count calories or asking if she's interested in a membership to curves? 

Yes, I'm a take charge person. I see something wrong in my personal life or myself, and I fix it. I get told by my boss, "You're doing this and this and this poorly," and I work on those things. To me, it's much easier to just nip things in the bud, do it right, and get it done. If something needs to be done, and I can do it, I do. 

I'm just one of those people who instead of complaining about something I can change, I just change it. If I don't like my job or people I work with, I don't continue to work there for years complaining the entire time, I actively pursue another job or workplace. So it's REALLY frustrating that my wife complains about her weight gain, but seems not to take ANY actions to fix it. Just continues to complain. Just like when she worked at a job she hated, and I suggested dropping resumes off to find another job. And she didn't. Just kept working there and complaining about how much she hated it. I don't get it.

HQ


----------



## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Dude relax. Poor woman.


----------



## frootloop (Dec 20, 2010)

hqusafa said:


> She decided she wanted to quit caffeine about a year ago. She felt it'd be a good diet and something she wanted to do. I fully support her in this, and whenever I have the option, I make sure my drinks are all decaf as well so she won't feel bad watching me drink coke. So if I drink soda, and the restaurant or store has it, I'm buying decaf. Needless to say, this means no energy drinks for either of us.


Eeek, that explains at least 20 pounds. Coffee is good for you in reasonable quantities, there is little reason to stop, IMO.

Caffeine is a natural appetite suppressant. If you're not going to exercise, you really need to drink coffee / coke-zero / something to help you not overeat, I think.


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Okay, maybe she just doesn't have the knowledge.
I'm a food guru. Have to be to survive. I have to know how many calories, fat, and carbs are in every iota of food I put in my mouth. Everything.

I realise that most people have NO idea how many calories they consume in a day. Which is why the calorie counter thing was a good suggestion. !!!

On average, there are 3500 calories in a pound. 
Everyone has their magic number of calories they can consume and not gain or lose weight. Google it for her height and weight. 
Anything over that recomended number, and it adds up everyday. An extra 3500 calories over a week means a pound gained that week. 

Most restaurants serve DOUBLE what you really need to eat. Seriously. 

It's not just desserts that make you gain weight. It's every bite of food you consume, and the total amount of calories, and then there is the fat content and so on and so on. It's a complex cycle. And most people just have little idea how much they actually consume in a day. 

I know you want to help. Maybe try looking all this up and if you could help her with just diarying what she eats in a day, she could see the calories in part of it. Or go take a course together. And cook together. Part of the changing lifestyles is some people really do get satisfaction out of the taste of food. Eating healthy can be full of flavor, if you learn how to cook.

Educate her. She might understand it better.


----------



## draffut (Jan 2, 2012)

i have no advice to offer but i am very much in the same situation except am 45 years old instead of 29 and married for 18 years. i am very fit (been called "ripped" by many people but that's not why i lift weights) and have worked hard for many years in the gym. my wife, on the other hand, is 50 lbs overweight and has had eating issues her entire life. the ironic thing is that she gets hit on all the time by both men and women and i do not seem to be attractive to women in the least. 

it may be because i am also short at 5'6" and have a shaved head but i can count the # of women who have been attracted to me on one hand. i have pretty much given up hope of ever having a satisfying sexual relationship both with my current spouse and in the event we are not together in the future. my wife is the only women i have ever been intimate with and we get along well in other areas.

i have probably stayed for so long because i was afraid of being alone but i am not sure that i am afraid any longer. she is a wonderful person but there is -zero- physical attraction to her on my part. she has always gotten her needs met by eating and sex was an afterthought and even though i have not had much experience, i am a very sexual person. it can be very difficult being so attracted to other fit women i meet but not my wife.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

I went ahead and signed up for the calorie counter website and installed the apps on my old droid (which I use as an mp3 player) and my netbook. I'll do it for myself, and maybe she'll see how easy it is when I track my dinners and lunches and decide to do it herself. 

It really is a cool website. Well, we'll see what happens. I got a few good ideas, I'll continue to just invite her to the gym with me when I'm going, hopefully she'll come. And hopefully if she doesn't join me and keeps saying no, I won't visibly show my "I don't know why I bother to ask" expression that we all have. But I'll keep asking whenever I go to the gym if she wants to come, and I'll keep my diet, and take care of myself, and I guess what will be will be. 

Don't know how often we'll be having sex though. Right now she's not attractive to me. And it's hard for me to get in the mood. Sucks. We'll just have to see. I hope for both our sakes something changes. 

Draffut, sorry to hear. 18 years is a long time, and I don't know your details, but I know personally, for me, 18 years would be a long time if all those 18 years I was not attracted to the person I'm with. As for her getting hit on and you not, people like what people like. Maybe she's just not attractive to YOU. It just sucks that as the husband, YOU'RE the one that the attraction would be most beneficial for. Well, if as others say, just going on with life, and leading by example and not talking to her about it and letting her find her own way works, great. However if letting her find her own way gets misinterpreted as "I guess he's finally ok with it now and I don't have to worry and continue eating!", well, I guess it'll be more of a shock when I invite her to counseling cause she'll have thought everything was fine.

HQ

HQ


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I find it an odd dynamic that you say she asks you if you can go and get ice cream, or cookies, and you are the one that gets to decide? That's more parent and child than husband and wife. She's abdicating responsibiluty to you.

Next time she asks I'd say, "if you want to get ice cream, go and get some. You don't need my permission, I'm your husband not your father." Let her take responsibility for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

tobio said:


> I find it an odd dynamic that you say she asks you if you can go and get ice cream, or cookies, and you are the one that gets to decide? That's more parent and child than husband and wife. She's abdicating responsibiluty to you.
> 
> Next time she asks I'd say, "if you want to get ice cream, go and get some. You don't need my permission, I'm your husband not your father." Let her take responsibility for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. Let her take the responsibility if she want kill herself.

Question: if the OP said his lack of attraction was due to his wife having started smoking and now going through a pack a day, would everyone be as down on him?


----------



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I understand his feelings. I think he may have approached it heavy-handedly but I think what he's talking about is simply maintaining attraction. I understand that people change and that is fair. However to me it's pretty basic that the person you should want to be attractive to is your spouse. It sounds like she does not understand truly how he feels because he has actually held back from expressing his true feelings for fear of hurting her.

I think what she really needs is that insight. I don't think she values the importance of attraction and is using the "you'll still love me if I don't lose the weight" to show her apathy over it.

I speak as a woman who didn't do any regular exercise since leaving school. I'm in my early 30s and have four kids seven and under. I decided to join the gym when my littlest reached six months, which coincided with my OH having a thing with a girl at work. That motivated me even more. I have never been overweight but wanted to tobe up. Best thing I ever did. Slow and steady and gave me an outside interest. I got picked out to do a "drop a dress size in 6 weeks" programme which was great: and I did!

I set out with the advice that "it won't happen in a couple of weeks." I fit it in around the kids and regularly xhange my programme depending on what I want to focus on. It's all on me though, I picked something I felt would work for me and my lifestyle. So for example, a gym with a creche. Very local. Good reputation and gmfloor assistance. Lots of support, help with programmes and assistance with using new machines. Hundreds of exercise classes free with membership. The thing is, I was not bothered until I had a reason to be: I didn't want to carry my baby weight combined with the then-worry of someone else I knew was into keeping fit and was sporty poaching my OH.

I have nearly dropped two dress sizes now and no one new I meet EVER believes I have four kids. That is qn awesome confidence boost. She needs to find her motivation or you OP need to accept she just doesn't have it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Minncouple (Sep 9, 2009)

Well, here's my 2 cents.

We (wife and I) are long time atheletes and have been bodybuilding for over 25 years. It really helps if your spouse is also into it. I cant imgine how it could if you arent. Sorry, being honest.

There are the sad stories of injuries, ext... and most are simply excuses. Were there is a will there is a way. It isnt about training hard, but training smart. 

The only advice I can say is to help her see results on her own. THAT is the only way to motivate people to continue with working out. If the person doesnt see results and feels failure, they will stop working out. Find a GOOD trainer who know diet and working out, not some ding dong with a rubber ball who is 21 years old. But a real experience trainer. Gettting in shape isnt all working out, its 90% diet. All top trainers will tell you this.

The reduiced calorie route is a waste of time, and she will be in worse shape when she follows that plan. Only way to burn calories is to have muscle, if the calories are reduce your body burns muscle first. Thsu you loose the only calorie burning fibers in you body and spiral downward.

Again, only way is to get her to commit to a 2 week deal. Make sure she stays on the diet and works out. She will see results and it will grow from there.

I also dont see you as shallow for this being an issue. The whole love me for who I am regardless of appearence is BS to me.


----------



## Baileym (Dec 9, 2009)

Has your wife struggled with weight before? Is it possible that before you knew her she was heavier and lost a lot of weight and you just weren't aware? 45 pounds is a lot of weight to gain over 10 months, especially if you have always been thin. 

I have to say when I first read this I thought you were being too harsh on her but I do understand where you are coming from. I know often times I wonder if my husband still finds me attractive after giving birth to four children even though he tells me all the time I am beautiful. 

Do you think maybe it would help her if you guys did have sex more often? Maybe she needs to feel desired right now and that could possibly give her the motivation that she needs.


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

I'm not married, BUT I am morbidly obese, have terrible eating habits, and have considered counseling because I can't come to any other conclusion than that I must be trying to kill myself slowly with food, else there's no other reason I would eat the way I have all these years. I'm finally frightened enough to do something about it, and tired of pretending I *like* being single, and now admitting that I've just always known that I wasn't comfortable in my body, and wouldn't trust any man who'd settle for it. If I am to be partnered, I want to offer someone my best self. It's disingenuous to take advantage of "for better or for worse". To presume upon it as an out for failure to give 110%. And I can't believe that some people are coming down on this guy so hard. She pulled a fast one on him. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but he communicated honestly and in good faith, and he loves her, and he's tried to help. Maybe he hasn't been helping in the right ways according to some, but the character assassination some are trying to put on him is horse****. He sounds like an honest, standup guy. If women want to keep protesting about equality, then they need to stop falling back on their emotionality as an excuse when they fail at problem-solving.


----------



## SecondTimesTheCharm (Dec 30, 2011)

I agree with the OP pointing out that while women seem to like men who are 3-4" taller (or more) that it is less permissible for a man to like and expect a certain body type out of a woman.

This is silly, but, perhaps, if a guy's height reduced by 1" for every 10 pounds his wife gained, women would be far more body conscious. Wife gains 40 pounds, Hubby loses 4" in height (and it doesn't bother him one bit, and should not bother her as it is just a part of the aging process and she should love him just the way he is!). lol


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Darkflower said:


> I'm not married, BUT I am morbidly obese, have terrible eating habits, and have considered counseling because I can't come to any other conclusion than that I must be trying to kill myself slowly with food, else there's no other reason I would eat the way I have all these years. I'm finally frightened enough to do something about it, and tired of pretending I *like* being single, and now admitting that I've just always known that I wasn't comfortable in my body, and wouldn't trust any man who'd settle for it. If I am to be partnered, I want to offer someone my best self. It's disingenuous to take advantage of "for better or for worse". To presume upon it as an out for failure to give 110%. And I can't believe that some people are coming down on this guy so hard. She pulled a fast one on him. Maybe it wasn't intentional, but he communicated honestly and in good faith, and he loves her, and he's tried to help. Maybe he hasn't been helping in the right ways according to some, but the character assassination some are trying to put on him is horse****. He sounds like an honest, standup guy. If women want to keep protesting about equality, then they need to stop falling back on their emotionality as an excuse when they fail at problem-solving.


Wish you much success.


----------



## Darkflower (Dec 2, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Wish you much success.


Thank you!


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

For those that may be keeping track, it's now been an additional (about) 9 months since my original post and nothing has changed. We've tried P90X again (which she quit). Then she said it was the diet and she signed up for nutrisystem. Which she quit cause the food didn't taste good (she made it one month on the nutrisystem food before giving up, while not sticking to nutrisystem and having cheat meals).

Her latest is now she's signed up for crossfit classes. She's done about 5 weeks of crossfit (three days a week), but she is only attending the class for the elderly (mature) crowd. She's the youngest one (at age 27) in that class of course and keeps giving me excuses as to why she's not ready to go to a regular class yet.

After August 14th, that was the 18 month mark since I first brought up the weightgain and we both cried over how it's affected us and she promised to do what she can to lose it. 18 months. So for more than half of our marriage (married 2.5 years, she gained 45 - 50 pounds after the first year), she has been a body type that I am not attracted to and would not have dated her if she was that body type when we met. To me, it sucks. 

To me, it's the same thing as someone agreeing to your active lifestyle, going out every weekend hiking or camping or something while dating, and then a year after marriage changing their mind, telling you your active lifestyle isn't important, and you're just gonna have to go out on your own while I stay home and watch TV. I feel like a victim of false advertising during the dating process or something like that.

Well, thanks for all the replies, I've tried a few more of your suggestions. Going on walks together but she just gets so pissed off walking and getting tired walking that it's not fun. Tried hiking once and she couldn't walk up the path without stopping every ten feet and that wasn't fun for either of us. I've let her try some more diets like nutrisystem, she tried something called "sensalife" or something like that, and her latest thing is to order a sample of some wierd thing you sprinkle on the food you love to "eat whatever you want" but it supposedly makes you feel fuller or some crap like that.

Yup. 9 months after I started this thread, and still no change. She actually just bought another pair of motorcycle pants (we wear protective gear while riding) because her last pair no longer fit her, so she MAY have gotten a little bigger. I can't tell. 

So if you're counting, it's been a long time. more than half of our VERY short marriage. We're not even supposed to be out of the damned honeymoon phase yet!!! Well, I've given up on allowing her to do it her way, and I now give her a workout program and diet and check with her everyday to see if she's sticking to it. I feel like I'm having to deal with a teenager instead of a wife. I even canceled cable cause she would get up in the morning early enough to watch an hour of TV before going to work, and would watch TV every night before going to bed instead of using SOME of that time to workout and try to lose that weight.

I'll give it....some more time. Don't know how much. But I've pretty much hit the wall and am almost to a "I don't care anymore" point. I still care, but there have been too many days lately where I find myself contemplating what it would be to leave her. 

Sucks.

I have no idea how others get away with letting themselves go and their marriage stays the same. I can't do it. Fitness is important to me, I stay fit and healthy, always have, and I stressed it as very important to me in a marriage. She agreed and then just let herself go. I feel like I was lied to or given the "bait and switch" while dating. 

Well, if this one doesn't work out, I don't think I could ever get married again (congratulations those of you who think people like me, who expect to stay in shape for their spouses, shouldn't exist in a marriage). This would mark twice that I've found a GREAT girl, and twice that that girl got married to me, and then just let themselves go and stopped keeping a clean house or taking care of themselves.

I do the laundry (wash and fold) about 90% of the time. I do the dishes 100% of the time. She went from a fulltime student, fulltime worker, keeping her apartment in tip top condition while we were dating to me doing the majority of everything while she holds down a 40 hour per week job and watches netflix. Oh yeah. And she begged me to quit cause she doesn't like working. So she doesn't even want to do that anymore. Awesome.

HQ

18 months of unhappiness. and counting.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Sorry. I left out information. It's not "nothing has changed". In actuality, I've gotten in much better shape myself I joined an online transformation contest and urged her to join as well on January 1st by bodybuilding.com in the hopes she would do it with me and we would "transform together". She refused to join. Well, I stuck with it and lost a lot of bodyfat and increased my level of fitness by a bunch within the 90 days allotted by the contest. And I've continued to workout daily. So I've tried to show her that with a proper diet and exercise routine you CAN change yourself in a few months. And she's seen it, but still doesn't want to try old fashioned diet and exercise. She keeps looking for things that will allow her to continue eating the foods that GOT her in trouble and for shortcuts. She won't buy "almonds" even though they are a healthy snack, but she'll buy "chocolate covered almonds" rationolizing that it's still almonds and she still gets her chocolate. She wants to eat turkey sandwiches cause she likes turkey and knows that turkey is good for you, but she continues to use big pieces of white bread even though the carbs is NOT what she needs because she doesn't like the taste of wheat bread or doesn't want to (gasp) NOT eat bread.

It reminds me of a Stephen Colbert moment. Eating deep-fried salad. This way it still tastes good, but it's healthy.....cause it's salad....that's the mentality she has and despite numerous diet and fitness books that she's told me she wanted to buy, and she's bought them all (and she hasn't finished reading even ONE of them), she won't do what they say cause they all say the same thing. Exercise more, eat less, eat better. 100s of dollars of books, programs, and food mailed to you that all says the same thing. Exercise more, eat less, eat better. And she hasn't done it yet.


----------



## La Rose Noire (Jun 20, 2012)

Wow I'm terribly sorry to hear about your situation. I can totally understand, as keeping fit and eating healthy is my lifestyle as well. I would hate if someone pulled the bait and switch on me like that. My SO is the same as me, and we told each other from the start that if anyone of us porks up, the other can say something. I cook healthy meals for us every day while he comes up with workout routines for us. If he suddenly gained 50lbs, I'd be devastated. I wouldn't be able to stay attracted to him.

It seems like you tried everything. The thing is you can't force her to workout or eat healthy. You must be mentally exhausted trying in the first place. You're trying to take control of something that is uncontrollable. I know you do so because you love her and don't want a second divorce over this, but you're going to have to accept it. She's not budging. I say let go of the reigns and let her do what she wants, and do a 180 on her. Focus on just yourself.

ETA: I would also stop doing most of the chores if I were you. That is not fair for you and only allows her to indulge in her laziness. Come up with a chart and assign chores to each other. Have her pick up some slack.


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I can hear how frustrated you are in your posts. Do you think it is helping the situation to try to dictate a diet and work-out schedule to her? Isn't that just making you dwell on the whole situation more and become more angry, resentful, and frustrated?

I admit that it would bother me if my husband gained a lot of weight. I know I would encourage him to exercise and eat healthfully. But I think that this is where the advice needs to stop. You cannot make your wife do something that she has not resolved to do herself. 

I sympathize with you, but I would not divorce your wife over weight gain. "Attraction" is something that ebbs and flows during marriage. I have four young children, and my sex-drive is at an all time low. I don't feel attracted to anything but my bed most days. However, I still make the effort to keep our sex-life strong. 

You stated that you love your wife, and that she is awesome in other areas. Focus on the characteristics you love about her. Choose to love your wife despite her faults. While it might take some effort, I believe that you can still get in the mood to have sex with her despite her weight gain. 

As for the chores, don't do them all. Sit down with her and evenly split them between you.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> I sympathize with you, but I would not divorce your wife over weight gain. "Attraction" is something that ebbs and flows during marriage.


While I agree with your sentiment, simple weight gain doesn't seem like the true problem in this marriage. It is an underlying cause, but what if the weight gain has an underlying cause?

I only read the first and last pages of comments, but it seems to me that gaining 45 pounds in 10 months is quite extreme, and suggests that she was overweight before you met her, lost the weight (possibly to "net" a husband), and then once she got that ring it was back to her old ways.

Fat is much easier to find once you've lost it.

The other side of the coin is that maybe she doesn't really want to have a sex life with someone who is so obsessed with weight, and does just enough to keep you thinking that she is trying, but never enough to get you into her again.

Since we are only getting your side of the story, we don't really know which.

I do agree with you about not having children though - they complicate everything. Better to figure out your marriage and your relationship first.


----------



## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

It will probably take something drastic like you telling her that you want a divorce before she will find the drive to lose weight. However, she will probably do it just to spite you and end up leaving or cheating on you after she's had her transformation. I could be wrong, but I've seen it happen before on two occasions. I don't blame you at all for not being attracted to her because I know that I wouldn't If it were my wife. That level of uncaring laziness alone would probably be the most unattractive to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Trojan John said:


> It will probably take something drastic like you telling her that you want a divorce before she will find the drive to lose weight.


:iagree:

I know lots of people will frown upon that statement, but I am sorry, that much weight on that little frame just doesn't fly. 

People talk about emotional needs, depression, blah, blah, blah. But unless your w has a medical problem (like hypothyroidism), there is no excuse. Too many people in this country have too many excuses. 

If I had extra 65 lbs piled on me (which would make me your w's size), I would totally think my h has every reason to be unhappy. And I am a person that hates criticism and is currently working on our marriage being positive. But FAT is FAT. I would take full responsibility for it. 

And God forbid if your w is even contemplating kids. All the overweight women I know got worse after babies. No exception. I am a health care worker and have seen many.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I went all the way back through this thread. Removed more than a few posts ...

The OP being called every name in the book and villified is par for the course in these kind of threads.

HQ, I would suggest you check out the book, "Hold Onto Your N.U.T.'s"

So here we are, nearly a year later and now you are noticing other things about the marriage that bother you. You take a stand, and then get called out for being controlling ... that's par for the course too.

I'll bottom line this for you. What is happening now, is that both of you are laying the groundwork for the utter collapse of your marriage. What you are both currently building is resentment. And for as long as your marriage remains unbalanced and dysfunctional, you will continue to build resentment.

Re-read Template's story. Overweight wife, whose husband according to her 'bullied' her into losing weight ... which she did. She lost the weight, looked, and still looks great ... and then she ditched her husband. Because of resentment.

I'll echo what Trenton said earlier. Although you and your wife may get along wonderfully in any number of ways, it certainly seems that you are fundamentally incompatible when it comes to some very important aspects of how you each insist on conducting your lives.

If this moves into the territory of dissolving your marriage, it isn't going to be because your wife is obese. It is going to be because you resent one another and can't make the marriage work.

I suggest the above book because it applies. N.U.T's are "Non-negotiable, Unalterable, Terms"
Fitness and activity for yourself and your partner is one of yours. It's one of mine as well.

In no uncertain terms I would neither partner with, nor remain partnered with someone for whom maintaining their level of fitness and appearance were unimportant. 

I neither make, nor feel compelled to make any kind of apology for that stance whatsoever. You will need to decide ultimately how you want to handle this issue for yourself.

You have tried support, being active together, shopping together, dieting together, exercising together ... bottom line ... she isn't interested and never will be. It isn't her.

And her lifestyle isn't you.

Been said before, but warrants it again. You can't change her. You can't make her want to change. And importantly ... it doesn't appear that she is interested in changing.

This would be referred to as; 'irreconcilable differences'.


What do YOU want to do?

You do not have children, do you?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I went all the way back through this thread. Removed more than a few posts ...
> 
> The OP being called every name in the book and villified is par for the course in these kind of threads.
> 
> ...


f8cking amen!:smthumbup:


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with Deejo...You will NOT be happy until she loses weight..she seems content (with herself anyway) at that weight or she would have done something about it without you even having to MENTION it let alone what amounts to pressuring her and FIGHTING with her about it and not initiating sex with her(as much) because of it..

Even if she BEGRUDGINGLY loses the weight she will never feel the same about you again (going by her attitude now) ..+ if thats her truly "comfortable size" she will just end up gaining it back ..you fight again maybe she will lose it again ..Or like I said and others she will lose it and leave you ...

You are better off with someone you dont have to be the 'calorie police" for ..she is better off with someone who finds her attractive with extra lbs..

I dont know if it made any difference but I am petite at 5'2 anywhere from 105 to 117 over the years..but at one point after my 3rd child ..I didnt lose that last extra 10 lbs (I was nursing for 14 months) then suddenly when I quit nurising I gained an EXTRA 20 or so so I was from 105 lbs (when I got pregnant) to almost 140 in a couple years..My husband I guess being the sex poon hound he is LOL>>Said it didnt bother him he liked me "both ways".I think for him it was alomst liek "nice for variety" because with my frame that gave me a LOT of "xtra curves" so for him it was like getting to sleep with a WHOLE different woman LOL!! ..I was the one that hated that my feet ached ..I felt tired..I had to wear clothes that were ill fitting because at my height and that big around everything was too long in the sleeves or length of pants etc...And I'll never forget one tiem at a party ..this guy I had known since I was a teenager ..but hadnt seen in a few years greeted me like he was "intorduing himself then said OMG Dallas?Is that you ???

I dont think you should "lie" but I wonder if my husband acting like he "barely noticed" if I brought it up and just kept tellign me I was "hot" LOL>>>I chose for MYSELF that it "wasnt me" ..if that makes sense when I looked in the mirror and like I said I noticed I just had less energy and I sort of "ached" ..in the feet and knees..I was not happy that way...

Anyway long story short I tried Larry North which had kept me fit before and NO change..then a friend told me about the Atkins(that was the new fad)..I didnt "agree with it " 100% so I did a modified version all lean meat lots of vegies/fruit NO pasta /white flower /sugar (except what was in the fruit ) ..and I WALKED ..my ass at first was tired after 15 minutes..(I pushed my toddler in a buggy around the neighborhood) gradually my stamina increased and within about 6 weeks I could go an hour and fast too..I did this almost every day ..and in 4 months I had lost 25 lbs..and then an aditional 5 over the next couple months...that was around 15 years ago and Im at about 108 lbs now..(IOW I havent had a problem since)..

But what Im getting at if my husband had told me he had lost attraction to me (not saying thats anyones fault or even that its wrong) and insinuated he might ultimately LEAVE me if I stayed that way ..If I had lost the weight I would have NEVER felt the same way about him again .. would have NEVER felt 100% loved or even flattered at his compliments..I would have resented him ..and not trusted him at all..

Not to mention I may have not even lost the weight due to the DEPRESSION it would have caused me to be TOLD Im worth it if Im at 105 to 110 lbs but not at 140lbs..

IOW in YOUR situation I would call it quits..

It sounds torturous for both of you ...


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Oh but I will say?I would have never married a man in the first place that told me staying my same size is a dealbreaker..and Im like I said 108 lbs after 3 kids and 24 years of marriage ..(actually slightly less than on the day I married at 20)...and have only has to stuggle once in all those years which I beleive was metabalism related from long term nursing after I quit...

Im pretty secure that at 44 and I still am not even overwiegth let alone obese odds are I most likely never will be (not significantly) and If I was datign now and a man told me dealbreaker! If you gain weight I cant be attracted to you and I would most likely leave you .. ...I would not go on a second date with him ...


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

> I can hear how frustrated you are in your posts. Do you think it is helping the situation to try to dictate a diet and work-out schedule to her? Isn't that just making you dwell on the whole situation more and become more angry, resentful, and frustrated?


I don't know if it's helping and yes it makes me angry and frustrated, but after 18 months of trying to allow her the space to do it HER way, helping her with her workouts that she chose only to see her stop doing them, I've run out of patience.


> And God forbid if your w is even contemplating kids. All the overweight women I know got worse after babies. No exception. I am a health care worker and have seen many.


I've seen it too. And I feel that if she can't keep herself fit WITHOUT kids, the stress and time necessary to have and take care of children will not motivate her to THEN go back to being fit.[/quote]Re-read Template's story. Overweight wife, whose husband according to her 'bullied' her into losing weight ... which she did. She lost the weight, looked, and still looks great ... and then she ditched her husband. Because of resentment......You have tried support, being active together, shopping together, dieting together, exercising together ... bottom line ... she isn't interested and never will be. It isn't her.[/quote]I don't need to re-read that story. That story has stuck in my mind since I read it 10 months ago and it's a constant fear. How hard do I push? How often do I suggest without setting the seeds of future resentment? If she DOES get in shape, will she forever live in fear of the scale for fear of having to deal with me again if she lets herself go again? Is any of this fair for her? No. It's not fair to her. I feel that if she had REALLY understood and agreed on this level of importance for me, she would have done everything in her power to get into shape. She would have followed one of the diet plans she chose to the end. She would not have quit any of the various 90 day workout plans she tried without finishing it up and following the recommended diet. I feel that maybe deep down, she wants to be thin and in shape again, but just not enough. She would rather make an effort, and wait for me to say, "Well, she's trying and I'll accept her as she is right now even though it's 40 pounds heavier than when we met and her level of fitness then is one of the big reasons I dated her."

I think, honestly, we've both been through so much pain and mental anguish through this that it isn't fair to both of us. I actually decided that I now can NOT have children with her. Simply because of the fear that I have in this quote (stated above as well)


> And God forbid if your w is even contemplating kids. All the overweight women I know got worse after babies. No exception. I am a health care worker and have seen many.


She was fit and trim when she had a fulltime job, lived on her own, and also was a fulltime student. That right there screamed, "This is the one. Super responsible, we get along great, and if she can handle all this, I don't have to worry about her falling apart when I'm there to help." But when we got together and I started helping out around the house and she stopped going to school fulltime, she fell apart. I can't trust that she'll get into shape after having kids. She's had 18 months since our conversation to do it WITHOUT kids. Going back even further, I tried to date and marry a women that I thought wouldn't even NEED to 'get back into' shape. I tried to find that woman that showed she was already IN shape and could handle it.

We've both put ourselves through so much, I no longer feel comfortable having children and I know she's wanted children for a long time (and she really would be a great mother....but I want a wife that can handle being a great mother AND handle getting back into shape and remaining a great wife, and I don't know if she can do both, for me.) 

Maybe what is really best is that now, while we're both young, I allow her time to find someone that will accept her as she is. Accept her 5'5" 175 lb body. He may not be as physically fit as me, but to her it probably wouldn't matter. And she can find that person that wants children with her at that size and doesn't put a lot of importance on being healthy in the marriage. Maybe she needs someone that also likes to order pizza and cakes and cookies and they can be happy together. 

It just really sucks to have this be a SECOND wife that showed me everything I wanted to see, only to pull (whether on purpose or by accident) a 180 on such an important part of my life. It's not fun going on runs by myself. It's not fun working out in a gym only to go home and find your overweight wife chowing down in front of reruns of saved by the bell. It doesn't make me happy seeing that I'm maintaining what I said I would maintain, and doing all this hard work and not seeing her try 100%. She wants a quick fix to this problem, quits everything after 30 days, and after 18 months, or rather 540 days, she could have fixed this problem with a good diet and hard work six times over. 

God this sucks. 

HQ


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

You may have already answered this but I didn't see it. What does her mother look like? Women hate when you say this, but it seems like they all become carbon copies of mom over time.



hqusafa said:


> It just really sucks to have this be a SECOND wife that showed me everything I wanted to see, only to pull (whether on purpose or by accident) a 180 on such an important part of my life.


Hmm, what's the common denominator here? Does you own attitude or the way you treat them contribute to the women in your lives deciding to sit on the couch and get fat? Is all of the 100% their fault? Both of them? Hmm.


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

I don't think it's fair to be so critical of people just because their standards are different than yours. My best friend could always date guys that were overweight, no problem.... I couldn't do it. I just couldn't. It has nothing to do with being shallow because regardless of what you are willing to admit here, looks ARE important. There have always been certain "looks" that I found attractive. I like dark hair, brown eyes, tan skin..... tallish....in shape. I am attracted to my husband. Some guys have a thing for blondes, others, brunette. Some women will never consider dating a guy shorter than them. Are they shallow? His wife was in shape when he met her, which btw, wasn't very long ago. She has no kids. She does not work. Nothing but time on her hands. There really is no excuse. Unless, of course, there is some sort of underlying medical condition, including depression, which is a very valid reason for gaining weight. But to simply throw your hands up about your weight gain because it doesn't bother you, is pretty selfish in my book. 

I don't think you should be critical of someone if the changes are involuntary, totally out of their control. Things happen in life that we have no control over. But this is not one of those situations. I've seen a lot of friends who just casually let themselves go after marriage and kids and it doesn't bother them one bit..... but I am SURE it bothers their spouse, whether they say something about it or not. If my husband, for NO reason, put on a ton of weight, I would be bothered by it. I would do everything the OP has done. I would do whatever I can to encourage weight loss. I wouldn't divorce my husband over weight gain but I would be lying if I said it would have no effect on me. I have put on some unnecessary weight this pregnancy, mainly because I didn't know my limits and never had a problem with weight gain in the past. This is the first time I have not been able to get away with eating as much as I want without putting on extra pounds. If I just stayed overweight well after the baby is born, i'm sure it would bother my husband and I think rightfully so. 

From what the OP stated, she knew up front that maintaining an appropriate size was important to him. Not just for her, but for him as well. It's part of his lifestyle. I understand that this country has an OBSESSION with being thin, usually an unrealistic physique..... but I doubt that's what he is talking about here. I'm sure he doesn't care whether his wife could ever win a swimsuit competition, just as long as she is in a healthy weight range/size. What's wrong with that? 

OP- I have no advice for you. It seems like you have done everything you can to encourage your wife to get back into shape. Unfortunately, it all boils down to her own motivation. If she doesn't have it, she won't lose the weight. It is what it is. You did marry her for better or worse, in sickness and in health, till death do you part...... This is the for better or for worse part and unfortunately you will have to deal with it until she decides to do something about it. Keep encouraging her, don't put her down or make her feel bad......continue keeping up with your own fitness routine and maybe she will get sick of it. I also recommend you STOP avoiding your friends. Maybe she NEEDS to see the other women who are in shape. Maybe it could be a big motivator for her. Also, look up some weight loss success stories on YouTube. I watched them BEFORE I gained this weight and they were very inspirational. Just being able to see the before/after results and hear the stories of what sent them over the edge, what made them decide enough was enough, and how they mustered up the courage and strength to get healthy, could strike a chord with your wife.....


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You may have already answered this but I didn't see it. What does her mother look like? Women hate when you say this, but it seems like they all become carbon copies of mom over time.


her mother is grossly overweight. And about a year ago, she told me how she herself used to be very overweight up until, of course, about a few years before she met me. Like 200+ pounds.


> Hmm, what's the common denominator here? Does you own attitude or the way you treat them contribute to the women in your lives deciding to sit on the couch and get fat? Is all of the 100% their fault? Both of them? Hmm.


first one turned out to be manic depressive, bipolar, so I don't think so. Second one, I don't know. I know our lives were filled with love and laughter while dating, I kept my quirky sense of humor and we still went out to movies and made her laugh while married, but during marriage the pounds packed on. If I contributed, I sure wish I knew how. Maybe cause I work out and therefore could eat a full serving at a restaurant and she'd eat the same plate and size but not workout?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well, I think you know this by now, but her mom being huge is not a good sign. There are always examples of thin women with large parents but let's get real, they're few and far between.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

kl84 said:


> Also, look up some weight loss success stories on YouTube. I watched them BEFORE I gained this weight and they were very inspirational. Just being able to see the before/after results and hear the stories of what sent them over the edge, what made them decide enough was enough, and how they mustered up the courage and strength to get healthy, could strike a chord with your wife.....


we have done that. People who were older, younger, with kids, without kids, single moms, and we've watched the a&e series "heavy" on Netflix. I didn't point to the series as motivation, but i did recommend she follow the plans of some stay at moms stories we saw which all their workouts were at home, but she didn't. Or she didn't want to follow blogs or anything. She also asks to buy various books of people who have made over their lives and different inspirational books, but she hasn't finished any of them (when I ask her a few weeks after buying a book how it's going she responds she hasn't read it in a while)


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think its really sad talking about her mother being grossly overweight and her "of course" (like a conspiracy) so was she up until a couple years before she met you ..You need to let her go ...im sure there are plenty of 6 fth tall men who weigh 250lbs that would snatch her up if she is sweet and likes to have sex..Let her go..


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I read your entire post OP; I like your writing style.

Your wife sounds depressed to me. If she is, then she has a very treatable illness. Her lack of motivation could be a symptom. 

I am of the belief that we have a responsibility to our partners to maintain our physical appearance IN ADDITION to our emotional well-being........with the exception of illnessess including mental illness & even then it is up to the indivdual to seek medical treatment.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Young to be married twice as well. A suggestion, hqusafa, if you do divorce your second wife is to date your possible third for a heckuva lot longer before marriage.


I thought 1.5-2 years would be long enough. Seeing as it wasn't, and I'm in the military requiring me to move every two to three years, if this one doesn't work out, I guess I won't be looking to get married again until past the age of 45 when I can settle down somewhere and date for a LONG time. If even get married again at all.


> hqusafa, what I was trying to say about pregnancy is how are you going to feel about possible permanent/temporary changes to your wife's body during pregnancy if physical appearance is so important to you.
> 
> Possible permanent stretch marks on the tummy, butt, breasts, thighs. Possible temporary but painful stitches in the vagina or, even worse, the stomach which leave permanent scars. Possibility of a pregnancy mask across her face. Undeniable weight gain and body distortion that is mostly temporary but certainly the body is changed permanently. Your lack of emotional support now doesn't bode well for the amount of emotional support it takes to provide a pregnant woman with the emotional support she needs, etc.


i don't care abut stretch marks or basically anything that can't be helped. What I do care about is the ability to get back into shape after delivery and not gaining an obscene amount of weight during a pregnancy and then not shedding it after the baby is born. I know people who have gained MUCH more than twenty or thirty pounds in a pregnancy giving into every food craving at every moment and chalking everything up to "eating for two", only to not shed it afterwards. And I'm not talking about when the baby is young a helpless and needs constant vision, I'm talking about the kids turning 4 and 5, going to school, and these mothers STILL carrrying their pregnancy pounds (which were a lot more than is really necessary or even recommended by doctors). 

Stretch marks? Couldn't care less. Stretch marks dont lead to adult diabetes, don't prevent someone from hiking, and have no bearing on health or fitness.

My wife has stretch marks right now on her shoulders and thighs. I had forgotten they were there until she pointed them out to me last week. Things like that don't even register to me. But a size 12 is not what I've dated and not what I'm attracted to. Someone whose belly hangs over their jeans is not what I'm attracted to. and taking over a year and a half and losing 10 of the 50 initial pounds put on in a year is not making me comfortable for a long and healthy marriage. Even putting on the 50 in the first place, although not what I would have wanted, I would have overlooked if 18 months ago after our first conversation she had realized it and worked hrd to kick those 50 pounds back in 4-6 months. But only ten pounds in 18 months after expressing before and during the marriage how important physical fitness is to me? Makes me really really frustrated.

Hq


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Yes I think its apparrent you are "frustrated" thats why I say you should cut her loose..Rather than you writhe around in misery over her weight and torture her over it..Just say "we aren't the right size for one another"..

She can find someone who accepts her at 5'4 " and 175 and YOU can find a woman that accepts you at 5'4" 175 lbs..

Like I said IM sure a 6ft tall 225 man would love a 5"4 175 lb woman that was sweet to him and wanted to have sex with him..Shes not the "odd man out"..


----------



## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

trenton said:


> hey now, dallasapple, i think mr. Weirdestforumnameever just had a break through moment for me. He doesn't want ms. 5 feet 4 inches to be the perfect weight, he wants her to be healthy & caring of herself. There's a distinct difference. He needs to be able to say this in a way that doesn't build insecurity but rather builds intimacy. Then he'll be alright and they'll both be all the better for it!


o.k


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Like I said IM sure a 6ft tall 225 man would love a 5"4 175 lb woman that was sweet to him and wanted to have sex with him..Shes not the "odd man out"..


I love how Dallas tries to pick out whatever insecurity she thinks a guy might have and uses it to get in a dig just because she doesn't agree with him.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I love how Dallas tries to pick out whatever insecurity she thinks a guy might have and uses it to get in a dig just because she doesn't agree with him.


What? People on this board use passive aggression in their responses?

Well I never ...

We've actually seen this story before, a long time ago, basically posted from your wifes perspective.

An overweight woman lost a great deal of weight, was thrilled with all of the attention she got as a result, and met a 'wonderful guy'.

The moment she was 'settled', she put the weight back on.

His interest level, displays of affection, and sexual interest all dropped off.

And she couldn't understand why.
She believed him to be shallow and that he should 'love her for who she is'.


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

Well, you have spent money on a bunch of things, so I have one more thing for you to try.
I found the DVD "The Inner Weigh" very motivational in my weight loss journey. It refocuses your attention on your body being healthy and helps make eating better and exercising less unpleasant duties. It does change the focus from losing the weight for someone else or because society likes only thin people to taking charge of your life and being responsible for your body and health for yourself. It is calming and centering. I watched it a couple times a week while losing weight and still watch it a couple times a month when I start to get resentful about the food and time I have to give up to remain thin. 
I was also wondering if on some level, your wife may feel she is dealing with an addiction in you? You seemed to prioritize your fitness lifestyle above all other things. Maybe she feels you have put her second to your workouts, diet, and intense desire that she adopt YOUR lifestyle. You seem intent on getting her to do activities that you love because they contribute to fitness, but I wonder if you do activities that she likes that might not be to your liking? Do you take her shopping or to the movies? If you do, does the event turn into an opportunity for you to point out all the thin people and make negative comments about the overweight ones? Do you go with her to the grocery and use it as an opportunity to advance your agenda? She may feel the constant, intense pressure and disapproval and not know how to deal with it other than to dig her heels in and refuse to get with your program. You have rejected her and this may be the only way she has to control anything.


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

You originally talked about counseling, did you try that yet?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Can't make someone get on a treadmill ... or go to a therapist.


I just don't see this issue as being complex. Nor do I see either of them as sinister.

I don't think she willfully got thin to land a man with a plan of packing on the weight again ... although by HQ's account, historically, she has always been overweight, but was not when they met.

HQ is very fit, active, and in the military (thank you for your service by the way).

HQ appears to be an open, expressive and articulate young guy. And even by his account, his wife is a sweetheart.

But ... they have drastically incompatible lifestyles, and seemingly few to no shared interests that has them actually doing something together.

I do not advocate divorce.

But I also do not advocate perpetuating mutually unhappy marriages.


----------



## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I think the poignant question here is: why DID she lose the weight before you met her? Obviously she was motivated once. Try to find out what that motivation was. If it was in fact to land a man, then perhaps she needs that motivation again. 

Realistically, I don't know if you two are compatible. But if you come at it from a different angle, you may get different results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The irony being, if they do split ... she will likely then go and lose the weight.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I have to go with the OP on this one.

SHE was aware of what fitness and a fit, attractive body was to him. They discussed it before marriage--so it's not like he's bringing it up now and she had no clue. She agreed that it was important and she was "into" it also.

And then they get married and all of that flies out the window and he's shallow because he married one woman and now she is a different one--simply because she can't put a fork down?

I would be angry and resentful too. Especially as it appears that he has done everything RIGHT in approaching the issue with her - loving, gentle, helping her, dieting along with her--indulging each new thing she wanted to try, etc.

But the problem here is - SHE DOESN'T WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT OR WORK OUT. And she figures if she holds out long enough, he'll accept it and they'll move on.

Does she really understand how serious this is to you? Does she know, for a fact--in other words have you told her - if you don't get a handle on your weight, I WILL file for divorce? I know that seems harsh, but maybe, in her own head she doesn't think it's that serious.

My husband and I are both retired military and I understand the fitness issue. It's ingrained into you in the military and a part of your lifestyle whether you want it to or not. 

And I understand the pride in your spouse and that you don't feel pride because she's fat. Fat, without a documented medical reason is the same as a sign saying - I don't care about me and I don't care about you.

Are there psychological issues that are keeping her from taking better care of herself? Does she seem depressed, distant, etc.?

I see FAR too many women that let themselve go to hell in a handbasket after marriage and pregnancy, it's like they are thumbing their nose's at their husband's and saying, well, I've got you now, so here is the real me.

When I spent a short time fat, it was because of low self-esteem and I didn't feel good about myself. Once I resolved that, weight gone and no more issues. I'm sure she knows that she is overweight, but is blocking her own efforts to do something about it. Maybe you need to find out WHY she is keeping herself fat.

Good luck!


----------



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> I'm always torn because I hate lying. I hate liars. But she also hates when he asks if I'm ok and I say no. And she asks why, and I tell her it's because she's been on my mind and I'm thinking about her change in weight. So I'm torn. I can either lie, put on a smile and say, "I'm fine", or break her heart while simultaneously getting her mad at me AND herself by saying, "No I'm not fine." And when she asks, "Is it me? Is it because I haven't lost the weight yet?" I don't want to lie.
> 
> HQ


I feel your pain. I feel exactly the same. I don't have any answers for you, and I think people on this forum are too judgmental about things they haven't experienced. 
You have feelings just like she does. Why is it okay for her to get fat, but it isn't okay for you to not want her to be fat? You like what you like and you can't change that.
You can't tell her that you don't like her appearance because it isn't socially acceptable, and she has been taught by society that it's her body and you have nothing to say about it.
The thing that sucks is that you don't really have a choice. She needs to make the decision. But if she is testing you to see if you love her despite her weight, you will need to decide how to respond to that test. 
Imagine her with another 30-50 pounds on her. Can you imagine yourself with her for the next 50 years? If you can, then live with the weight and keep encouraging her to get healthy. If you can't, then you need to tell her that. That puts the test back on her to change her lifestyle. In the end, someone needs to compromise or you have to call it quits.


----------



## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

A marriage is except love also a contract. You contracted on base of what she was then, and your obligation is to stay with her in good and bad times. Not to stay with her when she changes after the wedding and does not respect you anymore. Like said, when she would go date again, she would lose the pounds to be attractive to someone else, but apparently not for you now. So she does not fullfill her marriage promises in my opinion.

Talk to her about this, she must have a chance to repair, otherwise think about leaving before children are involved.If you stay, you accept the typical fat mama for the rest of your life.


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

I need to add my voice to those supporting HQ by not bashing his needs just because they don't match theirs. I spent a long time reading this entire thread. Wow what an eye opener. I found it on Google while trying to to find answers to my own very similar problem and it prompted to to register on here.

HQ, I encourage you to do what you need to fix things now. Because if you don't you'll be in my shoes. For those of you who preached against you, listen to my story. I love my wife dearly. 2 years into my marriage,she like HQ's wife, packed on 40 pounds. I have done All I could, including being very supportive understanding, and patient. Like his wife, she was unresponsive to everything. We spiralled into a vicious cycle of mutually withdrawing from each other, her bad habits continued because of my withdrawing, I in turn was turned off more and developed my own bad habits that turned her off. I'm not even going to tell you how bad it became. We fed off of each other's negative and just stopped trying. 

For those of you telling him to just accept it, I took your advice. Want to know how long this has gone on now? 

EIGHTEEN YEARS. 

This is my final year of this. I have vowed to spend the next 12 months eliminating all of the bad habits that my wife finds unattractive about me, and I'm going to to be as attentive and loving as I can so she feels loved and desired. Hell, I'm even going to get the purple pill to counter the effects of not being turned on. If this doesn't finally spur her to show me the same love and consideration to remedy her own unhealthy lifestyle then I will have to accept that we have irreconcilable differences and file for divorce. But I will have given eighteen years of my life and the final year of redoubled effort before I do so. None of HQ'S critics have the slightest ground to stand on to say I haven't been patient, loving, or understanding. The thing that burns me about your lot the most: if I was a heavy drinking smelly smoker, unkempt, and slovenly dressed you all would line up to tell my wife that I should get my act together for "letting myself go".


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I'm not sure if this will help or not, but Myfitnesspal.com is a wonderful program to count calories and fitness. I use it on my iPod touch and there's a free app that networks with my computer. These diet plans, pills, shakes, powder, ect are a waste of money in my opinion.

The goal is to eat the right number of calories and exercise to the best of your ability. 

I do have to say that I'd be pretty pissed if my husband was hounding me constantly about my weight gain. He's extremely thin and an extreme athletic. I use to be and now I'm not under uncontrollable circumstances. I watch my weight for myself and not for anyone else. I was underweight when I married my husband. 5'10" and 118 pounds. I'm now 5'8" and I weight a heck of a lot more then I did 12 years ago. I'm not overweight according to the BMI scale, but I do weigh more then my husband.:/. He's 6'1" and weighs 145. Luckily my weight gain does not bother him, I did ask. Actually I won't be able to get up off the couch today(unbearable pain). I just asked my husband to do my morning work for me.

I love myfitnesspal.com. It's a wonderful tool to track nutrition. It includes calories, fat, saturated fat, sodium, carbohydrates, protein, fiber, sugar intake, ect... on a daily basis. I also exercise when I am physically able to as well. I probably would not do this if my husband was always on my case though. I'm just being honest.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> I'm not sure if this will help or not, but Myfitnesspal.com is a wonderful program to count calories and fitness. I use it on my iPod touch and there's a free app that networks with my computer. These diet plans, pills, shakes, powder, ect are a waste of money in my opinion.


I've suggested that to her twice in the past and she gave up cause she can't remember to put her food in every day and said she would never remember so she didn't think it would work for her.

Today I had half a conversation about how I feel. Till we both cried so much we just couldn't talk anymore. She's asleep right now and I'm on the couch typing and giving her her space. She asked me point blank, "Do you want to divorce me?" I told her, "I'm sorry. But I don't think we're compatible anymore. We were when we got together, but over the past 2 years, and since our first talk 18 months ago, you've changed, and I've changed, and I'm so worried that you're going to resent me, and that all my 'rules' and 'you have to be this and that' will slowly poison our relatoinship." I told her how I've become someone I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be controlling, I NEVER entered the relationship expecting that I would get to the point where I dictate what she can and cannot eat and constantly judge her. And I told her she doesn't deserve to be married to someone that judges her and tries to control her.

She responded telling me that she has finally found her niche (crossfit) and now she's working out for her cause she enjoys it. And she tells me how today she's at a lower weight that she hasn't been at in months. But I can't help but wonder about the what ifs and base it on her past. She always gets excited and then phases off. She prefers to work out at the same time everyday with a set schedule, but I have to move every few years, and who knows what jobs she'll get with different shifts. And what happens if we move to an area where the local crossfit place doesn't have time slots that work for her? Would she continue to do stuff unsupervised and without a schedule to follow or would we end up back the mess started?


I've been talking to a friend at work about this and one more suggestion was put out that I'm very very VERY hesitant to try.

An *ultimatum*. The suggestion was, "Maybe that'll fix it. You've tried everything else. Tell her by the end of the year, she needs to be down more than 20 pounds. That's 5 pounds a month. Reasonable."

I feel like **** even considering this. I grew up with a dad that gave me ultimatums and swore that's something I would NEVER do to a kid. Granted, this is not a kid, but my wife. But I still feel that an ultimatum like this could do more damage in the end. Maybe she'd lose it, but how would she feel knowing that I used divorce as a threat, that I gave her a "do this or lose me" scenario.

Every fiber of my being doesn't want to give her an ultimatum. It's completely against the type of person I am and completely not who I want to be. I mentioned this to my friend and he said, "So what. Sometimes you HAVE to do what you don't want to in order to kickstart it and maybe it's the wakeup call she needs." And then what?

Even harder, she tells me today through her tears, "You're my world. I love you." At that point I completely broke down and it's about then that I couldn't go on. She hasn't gone out and found friends. Not that I didn't want her to, she just hasn't. I've encouraged her to join volunteer groups, to go on meetup.com and find people that have her interests, but she's always wanted to just be home with me. 

And then I go work out to try to get rid of some emotions (didn't workout, just ended up practicing my musical instrument for a few hours - I'm a parttime musician). I come back two hours later. This morning she DID workout. That's when she told me her weight and we cried.

And when I get home, I see the dishes in the sink. I see the piles of sorted laundry waiting to be put in the washer and dryer (_I_ sorted them and started them yesterday), and instead of continuing doing these things that I had started last night, she's on the couch watching Phineas and Ferb on netflix. She could have put laundry in and THEN put a show on while it was washing, or at least transferred the stuff from the washer to the dryer that I had put in before I left to practice. But neither was done. And she still hasn't put her clothes that I folded and put next the bed yesterday (I fold the laundry, put mine up, and put hers in a basket for her to put away as she pleases, but often it just stays in the basket and she uses them out of the basket).

And things like don't help the situation.

I'm at a loss. I have coordinated and have a place to stay if I decide to leave this weekend or sometime this week. I have found a few apartment complexes that I can afford on my own while still allowing her to stay situated where she's at and I've run the numbers knowing that I'll make it and that I'll have to help her for a few months, but she can make it. 

But an ultimatum? Something COMPLETELY against my nature? Sometime that will make me feel like a complete piece of crap for having said it and make me feel even MORE like crap if I have to follow through on it? Like I don't feel bad enough.

HQ

PS - Sorry about the disjointed-ness of the post. My head is not quite steady right now.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Have you ever thought about marriage counseling? Like others have said, it looks like there's a lot more going on then just a weight issue. It sounds like your disappointed in your wife over several things.

However, your right that there's not any point continuing a relationship where you don't like the person or your treating them like a child. You sound emotionally disconnected from your wife in my opinion.

Both my husband and I never go out with friends. We stay home with each other. I am housebound and I can't leave the house. It causes too much unbearable pain to leave more then an hour. I do not like a messy home. I do clean it up and my husband will help if my pain is unbearable. My husband and I our are each others best friend. There's no holding back in communications whatsoever. It never gets to the point where we hold resentments. Also, neither of us have any expectations of each other. If we did, we'd be constantly arguing. We never ever tell each other what to do. There is no nagging. We work hard to please each other. My husband supports me more now then he ever has. He didn't sign up for my changes and neither did I. It's amazing how hard he works for us. We have been together for 13 years. Our interests do change over the years. 

My ex had very high expectations. It didn't work out. He was controlling and I left after 2 years. I'm not one to be controlled and my ex and I fought daily. I grew up with a very controlling mother and I hated it. I also left for other reasons as well.

It's impossible to change someone to who you want them to be. I learned that through my first marriage. 

Anyway, I love myfitnesspal.com. I did stop using it for a while until recently. My husband does 100% of the shopping, so I cook up what he brings home. It works out well. We snack on fruit and vegetables vs packaged snacks that contain empty calories.


----------



## kl84 (Jan 26, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> I've suggested that to her twice in the past and she gave up cause she can't remember to put her food in every day and said she would never remember so she didn't think it would work for her.
> 
> Today I had half a conversation about how I feel. Till we both cried so much we just couldn't talk anymore. She's asleep right now and I'm on the couch typing and giving her her space. She asked me point blank, "Do you want to divorce me?" I told her, "I'm sorry. But I don't think we're compatible anymore. We were when we got together, but over the past 2 years, and since our first talk 18 months ago, you've changed, and I've changed, and I'm so worried that you're going to resent me, and that all my 'rules' and 'you have to be this and that' will slowly poison our relatoinship." I told her how I've become someone I never wanted to be. I never wanted to be controlling, I NEVER entered the relationship expecting that I would get to the point where I dictate what she can and cannot eat and constantly judge her. And I told her she doesn't deserve to be married to someone that judges her and tries to control her.
> 
> ...


I've already responded and totally understand your discontent with your wife's weight issue. It *is* an issue...... but at the same time, do you really want to divorce your wife? Yes, this is a problem that NEEDS to be fixed.... but say you get a divorce from a woman you truly love, and who truly loves you, because she can't or won't stay in shape, among other issues.....and you find a woman who DOES like to work out and keep in good shape..... but then there's a tradeoff.... what if she likes partying too much? What if she won't be the best mother for your children? What if she nags? IMO, everyone has issues. You aren't going to find someone who you TOTALLY click with. There's always going to be some sort of tradeoff or compromise...... when you decide to spend a lifetime with someone, you are spending a lifetime with various issues..... issues that come up at different points in the life of the marriage..... What if you remarry and down the road your new wife has issues you "can't handle".....then what? Remarry? Never marry again? I think you are doing a really good job at trying to motivate your wife but calling it quits? Is that really what you want to do? From your original post, it doesn't sound like that's what you *really* want. Could marriage counseling work? Idk..... Like I said before, I think you have hit "for worse" in the for better or for worse part of your marriage...... and I don't think it's impossible to get past it.


----------



## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

HQ (I like the abbreviation!!) - since she may now be settled into where you are living, does she go out with friends? Does she have friends and how has she adjusted to the new area? Because as others have mentioned, she seems really depressed. When I was at my worst and severly depressed I got up to nearly 200 lbs! I've lost 50 pounds and am still working on it since then but it is a struggle (especially because I have had back surgery this year and cannot exercise yet). Anyway my point is that you probably know that some people eat when they are depressed. I read that her mother is also very overweight and that she has refused counseling - did I get that correct? It may be a family thing and getting the person suffering from depression into counseling is tough! I never did it but should have. I think it would have made everything a little better for myself and my family. Can you try that route again? Would she consider your suggestion to get help for herself? I am sorry if that question has already been answered. I read about 3/4 of this thread. 

Template - I saw parts of the video that you mentioned (The Inner Weigh) on youtube. Maybe HQ's wife could take a peek at it there.

Edit - I just read your last post (sorry!). She is depressed!! No friends yet? She does nothing but watches t.v. and ignores the household duties - she is on a downward spiral. Please do NOT issue her an ultimatum or at least please recosider until she has seen a counselor/psychologist. She needs help, imo. Help that you cannot give her.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

> Edit - I just read your last post (sorry!). She is depressed!! No friends yet? She does nothing but watches t.v. and ignores the household duties - she is on a downward spiral. Please do NOT issue her an ultimatum or at least please recosider until she has seen a counselor/psychologist. She needs help, imo. Help that you cannot give her.


I have asked her in the past to join activities and make friends. I know she loves children so I helped her find local churches that would need chilcare help. I offerred to help her find meetup groups and other things but she just doesn't seem interested enough, would rather stay home and only seems to want to go out when I'm going out. Can't force her to meetup with folks. Even when we were hanging out with other military couples inn the past, she didn't get any contact information from the other spouses and didn't go on girls night outs or anything like that. I think there was one girl she went out with a few months ago, but she's moved to Texas (military) and she might keep up with her on Facebook.

In the meantime, I have given her the number to military one source which has phone counseling and will arrange and pay for up to twelve counseling sessions, but she hasn't taken advantage of it yet and I don't foresee her doing so in the future.

HQ

PS - HQ in this case does not stand for "high quality". My screen name is actually an acronym of headquarters (HQ) United States Air Force Academy (USAFA). I was a cadet there about 10 years back


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

What about hobbies within the home? Since I am unable to leave the home I find things to do to keep me occupied. Hobbies are not always cheap, but they keep the mind stimulated.

I personally hate the TV. I'd love to live in a house without one.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> What about hobbies within the home? Since I am unable to leave the home I find things to do to keep me occupied. Hobbies are not always cheap, but they keep the mind stimulated.
> 
> I personally hate the TV. I'd love to live in a house without one.


she likes to draw and we have some sketchbooks and pencils. She has quilting equipment that she hasn't used (not her favorite hobby, but she has done it in the past). The only times she seems to want to do her hobby is if someone's birthday or graduation or something is coming up, then she'll break out the pencil and paper and draw something nice for them to add into the gift. But other than that, although it's available, she hasn't really touched it. 

I think mentally I'm just done. I'm a planner, and I try to look far down the road. I tried to pick a partner that had all the important qualities I feel I need for a long lasting marriage, and unfortunately one of those important qualities has not panned through. What happens when I move every two years. Every two years she gets depressed leaving the comfortable and gains weight every two years? Every two years I have to have a talk and look high and low for a crossfit place (assuming this time she really means it when she says she found her niche) that is available within the times she wants to go? What happens when she looks at couples with children? Will her internal clock kick in? What happens if down the road we stay together and she accidentally gets pregnant. Does she go through mental anguish wondering how I'm going to feel? D I go through the mental anguish wondering all the time when I should expect her to tack into a workout routine?

I recognize I'm not perfect. I have a great presentation called HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS that was distributed through the army. I recognize I started to slip on some things. And I recognize now that I should've said "NO" when she wanted a new car, a new truck, a new motorcycle so she'd be more comfortable on the back of it, i shouldve said no to getting a puppy knowing the time committment dogs take and all those financial and time strains meant we couldn't continue taking a weekend trip once a month like we did when we were dating. We used to hit up a big city once a month for a one or two night stay going to a jazz club or piano bar, and walking around the city looking at historical sights. Now with new car payments and dogs that have to be walked three times a day, we can't afford to. Maybe it wouldn't even have made a difference osince she gained the weight before getting the dogs.

I just don't feel comfortable that I can have faith it'll be a life change. She had 18 months and I supported and tried to help her every way I knew how. And when did she get serious? Yesterday when I brought up the topic of separating. And I don't feel comfortable at all blackmailing a spouse into getting back into shape. I would have LOVED if she had taken one of our previous talks as more of a wake up call when I told her point blank, "I will not remain in a relationship with an overweight wife who I'm not attracted to"

There are better men out there for her than me. Many of the previous posts in this thread have told me that. And maybe one day I'll manage to find someone who has the same insecurities and the same fitness image that I do. I know mine stems from being the ugly out of shape kid and I worked hard to fix it in high school after being tormented and vowed never to go back. 

For her, her whole family is overweight, mother, aunts and uncles, cousins, everyone. It's her way of life, and I guess I met her during a fluke time in her life. 

In the meantime, I've run the numbers, and I'll help support her for the next few months until the lease runs out and she can find a smaller place. Shes young and nice and I"m sure will find someone.

And DALLAS, if you were trying to pick out an insecurity, I missed it, but you do happen to be right. Many men want a woman more petite than them. And me being 5'4" and in shape means it'd be harder for me to find that woman. And at 5'4 175 (I think she's at 163 or so now), you"re right. A 6 foot plus 220 pound man will find her petite and tiny and will be able to support her better than I obviously have over the past year and a half.

HQ


----------



## Weakendwarrior (Sep 9, 2012)

Ok, so I've read this entire thread and, to be honest, I feel sorry for both the OP AND his wife. Obviously the OP is disappointed and discouraged by what he perceives as a bit of a "bait and switch" and I'm sure his wife has disappointments of her own...these stories almost always have two sides and it would be truly interesting to hear HER side. 

Someone mentioned the "calories in = calories out" formula a while back and, while a bit simplistic, it is a pretty good starting place when trying to address weight issues (assuming for the time being that medical issues have been ruled out). Unfortunately, when a person decides to make a concerted and deliberate attempt to lose weight by drastically reducing caloric intake, the body goes into "starvation mode" and becomes EXTREMELY efficient in utilizing the energy it's being given...a simple evolutionary adaptation designed to get us through the lean times. This results in the dieter becoming frustrated with lack of real progress despite making a serious effort to eat less. Not surprisingly, with little reward, the motivation wanes and old habits resurface. Add to this the emotional cost of dealing with a disapproving spouse and God only knows what else going on in her life and it's not surprising that she get's into a vicious cycle of weight loss, weight gain, weight loss, etc....

This is one of the reasons that weight loss is so difficult and is why most "weight loss specialists" preach a slow and steady reduction. Much less likely to trigger starvation mode whereby one actually can gain weight while dieting and much more likely to maintain any progress that is made.

The key to weight loss is reduction in caloric intake. Burning excess calories is just NOT going to be effective for the average person particularly if their ability to engage in strenuous activity is limited by their weight. Keeping it simple is another principle...eat what you want...just less of it. Then plan an exercise routine...something that is mainly aerobic to begin with...thirty minutes brisk walking five days a week (the OP has dog(s) so it shouldn't be a problem as the dog(s) will definitely appreciate it). Make it a life-style change rather than goal-oriented per-se. 

It seems to me that dropping from 175 pounds to 163 pounds in nine months isn't really ALL THAT BAD. Sure better than gaining another twelve pounds. At this rate (and it's likely to accelerate with positive reinforcement) she will have dropped 48 pounds in three years....NOT BAD AT ALL! 

Reading through these posts I was struck by what seems to be two issues with the OP....he misses his wife's sexy, trim, fit body but perhaps even more importantly, he misses his work-out buddy. The latter he may never get back as she doesn't seem all that interested (at least not now) but I think that, with proper motivation....not threats, ultimatums, etc....he has a better than even chance of getting the former back. Stay on her side though...encourage her...love her and show it in the myriad ways that solid married people do. Make her want to do this for herself first and the "vicious cycle" will reverse...almost for sure. 

I can't believe I wrote all this as a first post here but I had to register as I truly feel badly for the OP and his wife....they're just starting out and need support through this. Talk of separation and divorce may be a bit premature at this stage. Time for a different tact...she's trying (12 pounds worth if my math is right).

OP...please be compassionate. With age the ratio of muscle to body fat changes (and not favourably) so at 5'4" 175 lbs the shoe may well be on the other foot by the time you're 45.

Peace...and out.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Weakendwarrior said:


> .these stories almost always have two sides and it would be truly interesting to hear HER side.


i know. It just does put a bunch of mental anguish when my wife keeps saying, "you're right. And I found a program and I'm sticking to it...." and three to four weeks later "I don't like doing that so I'm gonna try something else....but I'm sticking to it". Quick recap, we did p90x, she gave up on calorie counting before even trying it cause she didn't want to have to log in foods or keep track of calories, she tried walking, p90x again, the I tried to get her to join me in a fitness transformation contest (I did it, she didn't), then she tried some diet, then bought about four fitness and diet books and never finished reading any of them, then bought a low calorie and fit cookbook and never made anything out of it, then she started a gym workout program which I stayed at the gym after my workout to help her do it and help her through it, somewhere in there was 8 sessions with a personal trainer, another workout program, and the latest is crossfit. I may have missed one or two things.

Imagine something very important to you and being told again and again, "yes you can have it. No you can't. Yes you can. No you can't." makes it hard to believe that THIS time will work. The whole 'boy who cried wolf' fable.


> It seems to me that dropping from 175 pounds to 163 pounds in nine months isn't really ALL THAT BAD. Sure better than gaining another twelve pounds. At this rate (and it's likely to accelerate with positive reinforcement) she will have dropped 48 pounds in three years....NOT BAD AT ALL!


first post was in December 2011, ten months after I first brought it up and she first started the flip flopping of working out. So it's actually 9 pounds in (now) 19 months. And this is not taking into account that I'll probably have to moved again next year where she'll have to leave this area and this job and may fall into a mini depression again while looking for a job in the new place, and gaining back that weight will be on the table again.


> OP...please be compassionate. With age the ratio of muscle to body fat changes (and not favourably) so at 5'4" 175 lbs the shoe may well be on the other foot by the time you're 45.


true. But at age 28? And while the muscle to fat ratio changes, that still (in my opinion) doesn't mean you can't take care of yourself at age 45. The amateur body building competition I entered 3 months ago, the overall winner was in the senior division (40-50). He didn't allow age to put excess fat on him.


> HQ....saying goodbye and rationalizing it


maybe. I felt that, at least for purposes of others that might find this thread, an update was needed.

She's working really really hard right now, starting yesterday. But only cause she heard the dreaded D word. If I haven't said that, would she be going to twice a day workouts? Probably not. And with pretty much every fiber of my being, I hate that this is in all actuality me THREATENING and basically BLACKMAILING her into getting back into shape. Even though we clearly spoke while dating about never using sex or anything like that as a weapon as I find that crude and bad. And here I am being forced to pretty much do something like that. Or even worse since its not SEX as the weapon, but rather OUR MARRIAGE. I feel friggin despicable.

Oh yeah. And I still think five or ten years down the road she'll be ready to have kids and I can't anymore. I would worry too much as to whether she'll blow up. Right now she's telling me, "no, I don't want kids anymore. I don't want to pass down my genetics" (she has mild tourrets). But five years from now after seeing couple after couple have kids, will she still think that? Especially since all her life she has had baby fever and picked out baby names and everything?

HQ


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is not a child. Stop treating her like one. It's disrespectful, emotionally abusive and controlling.

Love her for who she is, not who you want her to be. If you can't, leave. She will find a man who loves her for who she is. Let her start a family before its too late. Your absolutely right, your wife deserves much better then this.

I'm checking out of this post. I can't bare to read anymore. I can't read how poorly your treating your wife. Never in a million years would my husband treat me this way. I gained weight after breaking my neck. My husband did not once tell me to lose weight. I lost it again on my own because I wanted to, not because my husband told me too. I've lost 100lbs 3 times after each child. I know the struggles. I know how I felt inside both heavy and thin. God forbid anyone tell me how fat or how thin I was, I already knew. I'm almost 40 and my metabolism slowed down, plus I'm limited to exercising due to my disability. I no longer can run 36 miles a week. Losing and maintaing my "running days" look is my goal. Not my husbands. Our family loves each other for who we are on the inside, not what we look on the outside.

You can't make another person live the way you want them to. It's wrong and cruel. Let her go. I'm outta here......


----------



## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is not a child. Stop treating her like one. It's disrespectful, emotionally abusive and controlling.
> 
> Love her for who she is, not who you want her to be. If you can't, leave. She will find a man who loves her for who she is. Let her start a family before its too late. Your absolutely right, your wife deserves much better then this.
> 
> ...


First your post at the beginning of this thread and now this one.

Please stop assuming the role of the victim, the OP isn't attacking you in any way shape or form. You are not his wife.


I read through the whole of this thread, took me a while but it gave me some great insight into this sort of thing. 

I think the OP relays a legit concern. I think the issue touchs some sensitive nerves because society has made it taboo to talk about people being overweight. Being overweight is a concern, even if its for the "wrong" reasons (wrong in this sentence being subjective)

I have seen a few posts about marriage vows; the whole "for better or worse" type of thing. Let me give a couple examples of things very similar, getting progressively more serious as they go along:

Guys, I am having troubles in my marriage. Before we got married, my husband used to do the dishes ALL the time. But once we got married that all went out the window! He refuses to do any dishes at all, even when I cook!

Guys, I am having troubles in my marriage. Before we got married, my husband used to take a shower every day. But now we are married that all went out the window! He refuses to wash himself at ALL!

Guys, I am having troubles in my marriage. Before we got married, my husband held down regular work. But now we are married that all went out the window! He refuses to work at ALL!

Guys, I am having troubles in my marriage. Before we got married, my husband used to never watch porn. But since we got married that all went out the window! He refuses to stop watching porn every day!

Finally...

Guys, I am having troubles in my marrige. Before we got married, we were regularly having sex 4 times a week. But since we got married that all went out the window! We now have sex once every 2 months!

There are far worse examples I could think of, such as a relationship with no domestic abuse prior to marriage, but after marriage it became a regular occurance...

Does that fall under "for better or worse" aswell? No ofcourse not.


As per the LD / HD example. Is that ok aswell? It is a common issue and there are plenty of threads covering this sort of thing on here. "For better or worse" there, I answered every thread ever posted, or will be posted regarded LD / HD partners before and after marriage. Sense, it makes none.

The OP made it very clear prior to entering marriage that personal health was a big factor for him. His wife wasn't just blindsided with it a year or so into marriage.


----------



## MStephenson84 (Sep 10, 2012)

So sorry to hear all this. I can sense the desperation in your words. Especially after 9 months still no change, not even a few pounds? It seems like she is making excuses about this and that is too hard. Sticking to a program is too hard. Eating right is too hard. Exercising is too hard. I guarantee it will become easier with time if people allow it. My weight fluctuated badly in my early 20's. I am in my late 20's and have a grip on how to control it well now. I refuse to buy new jeans so if they become a bit snug I have to diet to fit into them ( ). My husband is a cage fighter and though I am not ripped like him, I do like staying in shape to make him happy because I love him. Him being happy makes me happy. 
Great things take great effort and do not happen in a day. This is the general rule of thumb. Most people are highly impatient and quit easily if they do not see results in a short time (including me!) Unfortunately, if your wife does not understand this she won't make the changes necessary to see improvement on herself. Perhaps you two can stop eating out and remove all unhealthy foods from your house and make delicious home cooked meals?
For all it's worth and I hate to give advice like this but it may be time to GIVE her an ultimatum. Sit her down and tell her EXACTLY how you feel. There will be lots of crying and raging, I guarantee this. Tell her you love her greatly but when you took your marriage vows you expected her to stay in shape for you. Now I don't mean a supermodel because most of us cannot concieve this anyway. Tell her to lose X amount in 2 months. It doesn't even have to be a hugely significant amount. And from what I have read she may lose the weight, think you are satisfied and this will happen again. 
I think YOUR best bet, thinking solely for you and your happiness is weigh the pros and cons of this relationship. If you arn't happy, you can't make anyone else happy. I wish you the best of luck on your decisions.
-Mel 
P.S.-I am also poor with words and phrasing things so I hope I didn't offend anybody the wrong way!!


----------



## leopardprint (Sep 10, 2012)

This is rough because I know people who are in this situation in life. Constantly complaining about their weight but show no signs of willingness to change or put effort into it. THEN moving on to complaining how I look thin and fit. 

THERE IS NO MAGIC! I work out hard and I eat healthy to stay this way. 

It is a lifestyle so that's what it has to be for your wife. If she feels like it's just a goal it will never come to her. She will always put it off or view it as not important because it's not HER goal it is YOUR goal. 

I would start by hiring a meal planner or nutritionist. Tell her that it is important for her to start eating healthy AND for you too. Have someone prepare all your meals for the week and all you guys have to do is pre-heat it. Usually meal planners will give you a good insight to WHAT you're eating and why and how you can make it in the future. I'm guessing food nutrition and exercise is overwhelming to her. Start with food....exercise is way harder for some to start. 

Being educated about it could help her see what might be preventing her from losing weight. 

And...if you've discussed this before marriage you have every right to tell her that it's still important to you.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

MStephenson84 said:


> I think YOUR best bet, thinking solely for you and your happiness is weigh the pros and cons of this relationship. If you arn't happy, you can't make anyone else happy. I wish you the best of luck on your decisions.
> -Mel
> P.S.-I am also poor with words and phrasing things so I hope I didn't offend anybody the wrong way!!


this is what I did today. We have talked much the past few days about everything. She still insists that she doesn't mind me telling her what she can and can't eat (comtrolling her diet and workout) and says she doesn't mind cause she's seen how I've gotten in better shape and realizes now that I know more about diet and exercise than she does. I still feel bad doing it, but she wants me to. Turns out she's the type of person who wants to be told exactly what to do and prefers not to have to figure it out herself - at least with diet and exercise.

Tonight I typed up a long letter. I outlined what my concerns were going to be if we stayed together. I outlined what my concerns would be if split up. I told her not to worry about being alone, or finances or anything like that if we split up. I mentioned to her abut how there are plenty of guys who don't put such a big emphasis on fitness and would love her as she is no matter what the outside looks like. 

I then apologized and mentioned that maybe during the dating process we may have overlooked things about each other or put on our "best behavior" so well (as many do while dating) that we both may have entered the marriage with different expectations or never voiced those expectations cause we just assumed our best behaviors were our normal behaviors.

Then I suggested we take some time and think about what our NUTS were (from previous poster....non-negotiable unalterable terms). I listed what I believe mine are right now. I told her to take her time and figure out hers, and we'll see if we truly CAN match up. I'm going to make sure she takes her time as I don't want a quick answer of, "yes, I feel the exact same way" but I want her to TRULY see if she can deal with me. Many of the people who responded to my posts wouldn't be able to, and I don't want her to say yes now and find five years down the road she was blinded by fear of being alone or something. Maybe some people wouldn't think of my NUTS as "having to deal with me" at all and would expect me to keep up with THEM in the fitness department. Every relationship is different, with a different base to build upon. My big ones are fidelity, honesty (I don't like liars/lying), fitness, and sharing of chores/responsibilities (each person somehow pulling their own weight and not just allowing one to live off the others hard work). Probably in that order.

I'm going to make an effort to make sure she clearly sees what my goals and expectations for a married couple are instead of assuming she knows. We probably assumed too much about each other when we first met.

HQ


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> Oh yeah. And I still think five or ten years down the road she'll be ready to have kids and I can't anymore. I would worry too much as to whether she'll blow up. Right now she's telling me, "no, I don't want kids anymore. I don't want to pass down my genetics" (she has mild tourrets). But five years from now after seeing couple after couple have kids, will she still think that? Especially since all her life she has had baby fever and picked out baby names and everything?
> 
> HQ


So you are no longer willing to have children with your wife because you are afraid she will gain back weight she has lost?? If your wife wanted babies in the past, I guarantee she will want them in the future. That desire will only grow as the years pass and friends around her have children. I think it is fantastic that you are trying to work through issues and she is now really trying to lose the weight. 

However, you need to realize that weight is probably something she will always struggle with during your marriage. There may be times (such as pregnancy) where she will gain weight and you may not feel as attracted to her. I think it is cruel and controlling to not have children with your wife because you are afraid of weight gain. At the same time, she needs to truly understand how important fitness is to you. This would mean that after she had a baby, (and a reasonable amount of time passes) she would get back into exercising.


----------



## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

Hey everyone. I'm the wife of hqusafa.
Here is the other side of the story-
I was raised by a overweight family in east Texas. My parents were divorced by the time I was two, my mom, aunts, and almost all of my cousins suffered from depression (my mom used to threaten driving off the side of the road if I didn't feel like spending time with her), and I had a great-aunt with OCD who told me that everything I did was good, just not good enough (for national recognition or just the English papers for school). Because of these problems I've had trouble with using the word "love" with my family. I still do to this day. But when I met my now husband, my fear of the word "love" vanished. I felt more love for him than I ever felt before. When we dated he did talk about how important fitness was to him. I told him I didn't workout but I wanted to. I was actually thin because of a medication I was taking for muscle spasms due to my then undiagnosed Tourette's. Coming from an overweight family I didn't really understand what living a healthy lifestyle meant. I thought just eating a little less junk food, more veggies, and ANY time/speed on a treadmill was enough. But he's helped me learn. I don't need him to tell me how to do everything, what to do, etc. But I do sometimes need help understanding what the right choices are- Lord knows I was never taught at my home. I did gain a lot of weight during the first year of marriage. We were eating unhealthy a lot at first because he had just gotten back from overseas and he wanted to "catch up" on some stuff he missed. Then there was the depression (which I didn't realize or want to realize was present) that caused me to gain weight from leaving my hometown, my home state, and everyone I had ever known. I did want him to just accept the overweight me at first because in Texas big chubby or a little bigger just meant I was a "healthy girl." (See the problem from wince I came?) The workouts I tried I didn't finish cause I still had the mentality of "why try? you know you're gonna fail anyway" that I had received from my great-aunt. Last year, though, everything started on the right route; slowly. First, on my birthday, I was diagnosed with Tourette's. A mixed blessing. So glad to have a diagnosis after suffering with it for 22 years; not excited to learn it's potentially hereditary. Next came treatment for the spasms. I finally could go short periods of time without constant spasming. Then came the OCD/anti-depressants. This was HUGE for me! My Tourette's had gotten so bad that I would feel the need to hit myself if everything wasn't right- which with a marriage having issues due to MY weight problems meant there was a lot of hitting. The first OCD med they put me on (Paxil) helped dramatically! Unfortunately it also made me feel constantly tired and exhausted. So they next tried Lexapro. I've now been on it for about 1.5-2 months. I feel GREAT! My OCD is under control. I haven't hit myself in weeks. And about 3-4 weeks ago I had a mental click. I could finally see where I was physically as opposed to where I had been when my husband and I had been dating. I broke down. But I became determined to set everything right! The next day he gave me a workout schedule. I've adhered to it everyday unless I've gotten home too late (at which point I try to squeeze in an extra workout the next morning to make up for it- I've lost 6 lbs since he first gave me the schedule!). About 3 or 4 days later is when the "D" word came in. I understand where he's coming from. I just don't know how to get him to understand where I am. I've explained it to him. A few times. But he keeps saying we're not a good match because he's become a demanding, controlling person. I don't agree. He told me from the beginning how important fitness is to him, I just didn't understand how to go about it. He thinks he controls my diet, but really I'm asking him questions cause I don't understand things sometimes- he's WAY more knowledgeable about everything health/fitness related than I am. The big question is how do I get him to understand I don't want him to think he's controlling me when I ask for help? I love him more than anything, and I will fight for this marriage! I wish I could go back in time and tell the younger me to start getting in shape, but I can't change the past. Only the present. I just want us to get back on track and back on our way to a happy marriage. Thanks to the anti-depressant I can now get back to being the "Lisa" I was when we married as well as the "Mrs.A" I want to be for the rest of our lives. Any ideas on how to fix this?

P.S. He's going to counseling on base and MilitaryOneSource is helping me get set up with a counselor as well. I'm excited since I felt so much better after just talking to one of their counselors on the phone. I can't wait to see how much better I am after a few visits!
Oh, and as far as kids- I was iffy about having kids of my own right off the bat cause of the pain and weight gain, even before weight was an issue. But I don't want to potentially put a kid through what I went through growing up- all the hiding and disguising, hoping to appear normal, fear of someone seeing you spasm and laughing at you. After the diagnosis I decided it wasn't worth it. I do want to adopt, and have since my husband and I first discussed it while dating, just now adopting all our kids, not just numbers 2 and on.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

You do sound like a lovely person and I'm sorry you have had so much sadness in your life.

I'm glad you're feeling better and more energetic. It sounds like those medications were having a big effect on your energy levels.

Please, though, don't rely on exercise. It won't work without the food component. Just as a little example, I did 15 minutes on my elliptical trainer today at a reasonably high level and bunt off about 135 calories. That's not even two pieces of plain bread. It's not enough to burn off the cafe latte I had today.

Try Free Calorie Counter, Diet & Exercise Journal | MyFitnessPal.com. It's really easy, once you've used it for a week or so it will have a lot of your food in there and it's just a matter of ticking boxes. Do it for yourself, show yourself you can do something hard and be successful. I can tell by the way you write that you are intelligent and sensitive. Don't let your crappy childhood keep you from feeling you can do things and learn new things.. You don't need your husband to tell you about food. It's all here, just start googling.


----------



## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

So the husband moved out Monday. I have done fine getting on with life, but I miss him something dreadful. How do I get through to him that I don't want him to control everything? That I've made the changes? That we need to give our marriage, our vows, another chance? He means the world to me and I want to always be his "Mrs. A". Any suggestions on what I could do?


----------



## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

MsAugust, This my first post on this thread, but I have been reading it for awhile now. 

I am sorry that he has left you, but in my opinion, you are better off without him. From your posts, you are a very smart woman who deserves to be loved for WHO you are, not how you look. Not to mention, being a size 10 to 12 is NOT overweight! (I believe thats what he posted in his first post)

I know many people here will say his expectation is reasonable, but I believe he is amazingly shallow. To threaten to divorce someone because they dont meet his standard of approval is manipulative and controlling. And I can tell you that living with that sort of threat over your head forever is not a fun way to live. You may be ok with it now, but I promise you, at some point, it will make you miserable. 

Again, you deserve someone who loves you for you. Not someone who will only love you if you look good enough on the outside.

I am sorry you are hurting, but the hurt will go away. His attitude and manipulation of you wont if you stay with him. 

Good luck with starting your new life. I'm confident it will be a great one!


----------



## MsAugust (Sep 18, 2012)

I forgot to say- he didn't move out permanently. He wanted some space to think things over and see where everything stands for him. To be honest, I agree with my husband. I think being attracted to your spouse is important. And I wanted him to be attracted to me, I just didn't know what to do about the weight. But now I'm getting it down. As of this morning I'm 0.3 lbs from my short-term goal (155) and 125.3 from my long-term goal (130). I just fear that I'm figuring everything out too late. I love everything about my husband and I don't want to lose him because I couldn't figure out how to live healthy in time.


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Lots of amateur advice in this thread, mostly pertaining to the posts containing the word shallow. Guess what ladies, you're wrong. It's considered perfectly normal for a man to feel a sexual and intimacy connection in a physical manner. If your husband only feels physically attracted to a body type that you changed, then you need to recognize that and change it back. News flash: we're not women and we're not wired like you. Why this is such a shock to you escapes me. 

Michele Davis is one of the world's leading experts on marriage therapy with a metric tonne of accolades and qualifications. You on the other hand are an unqualified forum poster with an opinion NOT backed up by decades of research and experience. Michele Davis's stance on this is unequivocal. You're wrong. 

I was going to be more diplomatic with this but frankly I got fed up with the number of uneducated opinions about men on this issue. 

Lastly, male perceptions and uncontrollable medical conditions aside and from a purely healthy lifestyle perspective there's just no excuse to be fat. Period. It's bad for you end of story. Quit making excuses for it with your north American obesity epidemic mindset. Take a trip to mainland Europe for God's sake. They're nothing like us here. There's a marked difference between men and women in Europe and the Walden Galleria mall in Buffalo :what:

Being fat ranks right up there with smoking a pack a day for cancer risk as well. And I'm not talking gross obesity either. That's not an opinion it's a medical fact. You girls are quick to jump on smoking and drinking but fat is a-ok I noticed. Shallow indeed. If you're not going to stop ruining yourself for your marriage, then do it for you. Either way you're still completely ignorant of what people far more qualified than you are saying, so do both the OP and his wife a big favor and stop handing out garbage advice. You're incredibly selfish for doing so and only make matters worse by condoning and enabling poor healthy living advice.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

relate said:


> . You on the other hand are an unqualified forum poster with an opinion NOT backed up by decades of research and experience


Bitter much?

This is an open forum where people give their opinions & advice for free. If we were all "qualified posters backed up by decades of research & experience" we would be charging for our services.


----------



## suesmith (Jan 5, 2012)

relate said:


> Lots of amateur advice in this thread, mostly pertaining to the posts containing the word shallow. Guess what ladies, you're wrong. It's considered perfectly normal for a man to feel a sexual and intimacy connection in a physical manner. If your husband only feels physically attracted to a body type that you changed, then you need to recognize that and change it back. News flash: we're not women and we're not wired like you. Why this is such a shock to you escapes me.
> 
> Michele Davis is one of the world's leading experts on marriage therapy with a metric tonne of accolades and qualifications. You on the other hand are an unqualified forum poster with an opinion NOT backed up by decades of research and experience. Michele Davis's stance on this is unequivocal. You're wrong.
> 
> ...


Arrogant much?


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

suesmith said:


> Arrogant much?


LOL


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Are you upset with my post or are you upset that it applies to you?


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

relate said:


> Are you upset with my post or are you upset that it applies to you?


Oh brother.


----------



## Chel (Oct 1, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> I do loe her. But I'm not attracted to her. And so we don't have sex NEARLY often as we used to. It's down to two or three times a month. No matter what I say, how happy I am, how many times we cuddle and hold each other, which she all loves, I can't be happy having sex with her. And that obviously translates to a low sex drive which means she's always reminded.
> 
> As for loving a person for who they are, I thought I was doing that when I married her. Now that she's heavier is THAT who she is? So who did I fall in love with? An imposter? A fake?
> 
> ...


Seems to me that you think that life can be planned from A-Z. You are a bit naive. I do understand that you would like her to be fit. However, I think this extreme need you have is more about you and your insecurities. You mention that you have an envy about other men having in shape wives and what did you do not to get the same thing. I feel like this is meant as a learning experience for you. 30lbs isn't a ton of weight. Now all that said you do seem like a decent guy but a bit misguided. I know at this stage of your life this seems like a deal breaker for you and it very well is. But, trust me as you go through life you will realize that life has shades of gray (and I don't mean to book). I feel sad for you that you may give up a marriage with a good woman because of the size of her jeans.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

lovesherman said:


> Your wife hates to exercise, so the only thing that will work is to drastically cut down on her calories. Do you think that she would be motivated by some sort of gift if she reaches her goal? A bigger diamond? A fancy European river cruise?
> 
> Unfortunately I think that you need to discuss how important weight is before you get married. Some people just do not find their weight that important, and they resent any attempt by their spouse to make them thin.


I hate to exercise too. It hurts like hell, it makes me feel faint and I hate to sweat and stink. 

My husband still finds me very attractive, despite the fact that I have gained more than 15 pounds since we met and married. Birth control has been a huge factor; synthetic hormones always make me blow up and the pounds disappear once I come off the Pill or the shot.

My husband has also gained due to my cooking and his huge appetite. I really enjoy eating what I want instead of following a strict diet to remain thin. The weight sits in my bottom and my breasts, also in my stomach.

I had an ex who tried to control my portions and blame my extra weight for his ED. It just made me resent his attempts to control me and my portions.

So the OP is willing to let his superficial attitude ruin another marriage. Hope he finds that Barbie doll he wants for his third wife.


----------



## Trojan John (Sep 30, 2011)

Relate did write that he wasn't trying to be diplomatic in his post. Anyway, if you strip away all of the aggressive language, he's still right. Acute medical circumstances aside, being fat is bad for and generally unattractive to most men. It's as simple as that. Again, this is not directed at anyone with a medical condition and/or who has had several children, but rather to those who are too lazy or otherwise think that men should just accept their rapid and constant growth. Everyone on TAM should realise by now that love does not conquer all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> So the OP is willing to let his superficial attitude ruin another marriage. Hope he finds that Barbie doll he wants for his third wife.


since many seem to focus and believe that all I want is an empty attractive shell, let me AGAIN try to clarify what happened.

20 months ago we had a discussion about her weight gain and I reminded her that we had talked about it before marriage and I had told her that I wanted a fit wife, and i would try to stay fit and attractive for her and her body was ONE of the things that attracted me to her. Not the only thing, but yes, some people value money/security in a marriage, some people value religious beliefs and ideals in a marriage, I value health and fitness.

After discussing it with her she started a workout plan and I supported her. And then she quit it. We did p90x together twice, I worked out with her at the gym, I offerred and paid for a personal trainer, I tried to show her by getting in better shape myself and inviting her to the gym with me often (repeatedly getting answers of too tired, not feeling it, etc.). I cooked for her and dieted with her. She bought tons of healthy cooking and diet books and hasn't finished any of them.

I didn't just "throw her by the wayside". I made genuine efforts to help her get BACK into the shape we married each other at for over a year. But after seeing her quit time and time and time and time again, and after taking up more and more chores, I realize who I met wasn't who she is or really wanted to be.

Now she's on antidepressants and swears she's making a change for herself, not for me. Time will tell. But it's really hard when you are upfront about what's important during dating, they agree and get married, and then you see it just go away and they keep making halfhearted efforts to get it back.

What if it wasn't fitness? If we had agreed to travel and visit cultural sites together as it was our passion and I turned into a couch potato and would rather play world of warcraft would that be ok? If we agreed that she would be a housewife and would help keep the house clean and she ended up watching tv all day and me having to do everything would that be ok? If we dated and I held a good job and then decided to quit and try to pursue my passion as an actor giving up a higher quality of living and now having to scrape to make ends meet would that be ok?

But health is taboo. With nearly 50 percent of America overweight (as per the CDC stats), I'm in the minority. 

And many people talk about "if my wife" and "if my husband". Well, your wife or husband hasn't. You can't actually tell how you'll react. And many people talk about "we both put on ___ pounds". Well thats not the case. I have stuck to my values and promises. So it doesn't fit me. And we don't have kids. We don't have any "excuses" to put on weight. In the military we can go to the gym for free as often as we like. We have access to running tracks, we have access to cardio equipment. And I can urge and support, and workout, and diet, but I can't MAKE her count calories or go. That has to come from her. And after 18 months of various methods of trying to motivate her, it hasn't. Or it has and she quit relatively quickly.

Sorry that I want to be attracted to my wife. It's a shame that I can't be blinded by other things. Maybe it's my upbringing, or some traumatic childhood experiences, but physical attraction IS a big deal to me in a marriage. At least the effort to remain so is. And if she had worked out and dieted and never got back to 130, I'd be fine. Cause I know with diet and exercise you WILL be in good shape. It's just that some people don't care as much about it as I do. They see food as "something yummy" and exercise as "too much time and hard work". I see food as fuel to sustain me. I don't engage in gluttony. I eat what I need to stay fit and I eat good things. And I sacrifice tv time, video game time, etc. for exercise. Others prefer the tv or video games or whatever it is they prioritize over health.

So no. I don't want an empty hollow attractive shell. I want an attractive woman that also has substance, passions, independence, and maybe will want me back. And while I'm not perfect, and I'm not mr. Universe or the stereotypical tall dark and handsome, I see no reason why I can't try to stay in shape, dress well, and at least do my best to look the best for my spouse. I just want the same. I don't like spouses that "bait and switch" and after perusing these boards I see it often "regarding sex drives mostly". But apparantly sex drives are met with MUCH less opposition than someone who lets themselves go physically. I guess that's the standard here. 

Alexi


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You have handled yourself well, even when addressing criticism.

Your wife sounds like a great person too.

Sad reality is that being good people doesn't always equate to a good marriage.

Sincerely hope you both get what you want and what will make you happy.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I really feel for both of you. You both sound so sad.

I know this is a long thread, but I wanted to add that it's not like you're expecting something unrealistic or idealized. 130 pounds for someone who is only 5'4" is not super thin. I currently weigh 130 pounds and I'm 5'7". I'm working on getting back down to my wedding weight - 120 pounds - for my tenth anniversary in January. 

I agree with everyone else. It will never work until she really decides to do it for herself. I wish you both good luck.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> 20 months ago we had a discussion about her weight gain and I reminded her that *we had talked about it before marriage *and I had told her that I wanted a fit wife, and i would try to stay fit and attractive for her and her body was ONE of the things that attracted me to her.
> 
> Alexi


All I can tell you is this, it's way easier said than done. She probably whole heartedly meant it when she said she would stay fit not realizing how hard and monotonous working on being fit forever can be. This can be a touchy subject for me. I am about to the point that I wanna tell all these guys that put so much emphasis on physical attractiveness and fitness to not go after your average female. Do not marry a woman who does not make her living off her looks or who isn't a fitness instructor. The thought of having my weight as a condition of my spouse's love constantly hanging over my head to be depressing. 

She does have to want it for herself. Not you. Because even if she does it she could feel resentful in the end that she felt forced.

Add: I am 5'4 and I would probably look really skinny at 130. LOL At this point knowing how much I exercise I would be miserable at what it would take for me to obtain and maintain that weight.


----------



## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Diet and exercise is definitely a factor in maintaining weight. However, genetics also can play a role. If you say her entire family is overweight, then it's going to be that much harder for her to maintain a normal weight. Genetic plays a factor in people's metabolic weight.

I've followed this thread since the beginning. I'm sorry to hear that you both are in this situation. Different people can have different things as their deal breaker. For some, it's whether to have children or not. For you, it's fitness. Ultimately you both have to decide what you can or cannot live with.

Best wishes to you two.


----------



## Cyrus (Apr 5, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> since many seem to focus and believe that all I want is an empty attractive shell, let me AGAIN try to clarify what happened.
> 
> 20 months ago we had a discussion about her weight gain and I reminded her that we had talked about it before marriage and I had told her that I wanted a fit wife, and i would try to stay fit and attractive for her and her body was ONE of the things that attracted me to her. Not the only thing, but yes, some people value money/security in a marriage, some people value religious beliefs and ideals in a marriage, I value health and fitness.
> 
> ...


Good post, man. I was in a similar position, except my wife went from elite, magazine cover body to completely blowing off the gym forever after our daughter was born. The gym was a major part of both our lives when we met (still is for me), and it's been a very difficult adjustment for our relationship ever since she quit. That eight hours or so a week we spent together doing something we both enjoyed has never been replaced. Best of luck to you.


----------



## Jeapordy (Aug 12, 2012)

Hang in there. You're not shallow. You are an honest man. There is nothing wrong with that.
My wife sounds exactly like yours. 
I honestly think the issue is NOT about how she looks. I think the issue is that she doesn't respect herself or you enough to keep trying and that turns you off. I bet you find her a lot more attractive when she is honestly trying to lose weight. She might only lose a few pounds, but if she is trying, then you feel that she is trying to be attractive for you. 
My wife is probably 50 lbs above "ideal" and probably 30 lbs more than I think she should be, but if she really tries and loses even 10 pounds, I won't be able to keep my hands off of her because the effort is the aphrodisiac.

People on this forum think it is okay for a husband to want his wife to do oral even if she doesn't really care for it, but if a husband wants his wife to try and stay fit, that's unreasonable. Both are methods of arousal, but only the former is acceptable to many on TAM.

That's hypocrisy justified by an obesity epidemic.


----------



## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Jeapordy said:


> Hang in there. You're not shallow. You are an honest man. There is nothing wrong with that.
> My wife sounds exactly like yours.
> I honestly think the issue is NOT about how she looks. I think the issue is that she doesn't respect herself or you enough to keep trying and that turns you off. I bet you find her a lot more attractive when she is honestly trying to lose weight. She might only lose a few pounds, but if she is trying, then you feel that she is trying to be attractive for you.
> My wife is probably 50 lbs above "ideal" and probably 30 lbs more than I think she should be, but if she really tries and loses even 10 pounds, I won't be able to keep my hands off of her because the effort is the aphrodisiac.
> ...



I think just exercising in of itself even if you don't lose a lot of weight is a benefit too. My friend works out on a regularly basis. She hasn't lost a huge amount of weight. If you go by the scale, she's still overweight. But just from a few month of regular exercise, I can already tell that she looks a lot toner than before and much better. 

I agree with Jeopardy. She may still be overweight, but her effort and toned body will look more attractive to you


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

> I honestly think the issue is NOT about how she looks. I think the issue is that she doesn't respect herself or you enough to keep trying and that turns you off. I bet you find her a lot more attractive when she is honestly trying to lose weight. She might only lose a few pounds, but if she is trying, then you feel that she is trying to be attractive for you.


this is VERY true. When she started going to the gym and showing effort everything was great. Sex went up, I was REALLY attracted to her cause I saw the effort and the change being made. But after quitting time and time again I just lost faith. After so many times of her quitting, I can't be happy cause it ends up I'm just wondering how long it'll be before she quits again. 

Just slowly wore me down over the past year. 

And yes, a woman that takes care of herself is damned sexy to me. And when they stop taking care of themselves and working on staying in shape and take an attitude of "im married so he'll accept me for better or worse....its hard work to take care of myself so ill go worse" is when they stop looking sexy. I'm NOT saying that people get married and purposely neglect themselves. But rather when they end up neglecting themselves, they are already married and perhaps feel less pressure to work on themselves because it's not like they have to go back into the dating pool.

HQ
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lulah (Oct 6, 2012)

I don't think you're shallow either, just very honest. I have always made sure I stayed in shape after I had kids. I Love working out but completely understand what she is saying about not having time. Does she feel overwhelmed lately with household things? I haven't read all of the posts, sorry I am reading these forums with some distractions right now...anyway, this post caught my eye because of the fitness content. I know that when I feel like I have too much going on I can't organize myself to get to the gym, so I actually write it in my appointment book. My gym is a nightmare on the weekends, so I haven't been there yet today, will be there after dinner tho. I find that if it's in my appointment book, I am there about 4 days a week. It's like a commitment to myself, my appointment with ME to make ME feel better. I don't go to the gym for anyone else. Your wife needs to do the same...go to the gym for her...it will do wonders for her self esteem. It seems as though your wife doesn't feel confident enough to go to the gym....I know I was very intimidated when I first joined, I had NO IDEA what all of those machines did...lol...I just figured everyone there had been in my shoes at some point as well....do you have any 'all women's' gyms in your area? That is what I started out with, then when I was more comfortable, I switched to a cheaper co-ed gym. You sound like you have really supported her and tried to help as much as possible.


----------



## fetishwife (Apr 22, 2012)

I think the OP is also correct and honest about it.

Obesity is an epidemic and diabetes and high blood pressure are two maimers and killers which result. Im a doc that takes care of diabetes....that disease pays half my salary....and Id be more than happy to give that up if it could be eliminated. The suffering is tremendous...blindness, neuropathy, heart disease, amputations, infections...on and on....not to mention the staggering financial costs to the patient, family, and society.

Weight gain is a function of FOOD INTAKE RELATIVE TO CALORIE BURN....period.

If your metabolism is "slow" then you should eat less.....period.

There is something called the law of conservation of matter and energy (to paraphrase).

Fat does not come from thin air...it comes from eating too much food relative to the needs of ones body.

Exercise is a PART of the picture...burns some calories, raises muscle mass which burns more calories, etc...but in the end its really about how much FOOD you put in your body (and in what form).

High protein low carbohydrate diet can help to make one feel full, but the protein is not stored by the body as only about 15% of excess protein can be converted into fat.

A person who is overweight MUST simply switch to a low glycemic diet and cut the calories.....is they HATE working out and wont do it...fine...but cut out the carbs and cut the calories and the pounds will still come off.

I know this as 8 years ago at age 38 ....I started my journey from 5 7 185 (I was a VERY lazy eater.....ate whatever I wanted)...to my now 5 7 143 with low percent body fat. I do use weights SOME...but I HATE cardio and dont do much at all....I have never come up again close to that weight cause I dont eat like I used to eat.

Its OK to give people a hard time for being overweight. Take it from an MD. Its too dangerous to let this happen...50 pounds overweight for 5 4' is crazy obese....that is sure to lead to a poor quality of life while alive and perhaps an early death even without high BP and diabetes there is all the joint damage from the extra weight, etc etc.

Have her try Medifast....my wife is also an MD and is 5 5 and was 145.....dropped 10 pounds to 135 in 3 weeks and she has an INCREDIBLE sweet tooth...the nice thing about Medifast is the rapid results and ease of use and ability to eat a couple healthy meals a day...green veggies etc.

You are dead on correct about your wife and your concern for her is a FORM OF LOVE!

There is no shame in admitting the truth...its not superficial to lose attraction....you cant control that and FORCE yourself to be attracted to someone who is unattractive!

The women say that all the time about sex drive.....they are just not attracted to their husbands sexually anymore because...x,y, or z. 

Its the man's job to man up and get in shape and take control of his life, the house, etc etc to perk up the wife's desire.

Same here...its her responsibility in this marriage to maintain her body as part of your relationship!

I agree with you 100% and I think you are on the right track with your demands and its ok to express your needs....and you ARE RIGHT!

SHE NEEDS TO LOSE THE DARN WEIGHT for her health....if you are to ever have kids they need a good role model in this regard too.

Certainly depression may be a root cause...etc...so get all the help you can...but over eating is like drug abuse/drinking/smoking in my book.

We need to get rid of the politically correct bs about this...

I feel like you....its not the SAME as your height.....you CANT do anything about that....but you CAN do something about your width and condition by choice.

I wish you both the best. I believe you are right in your feelings and you have her best interests in mind also. 

Its OK to tell her she needs to lose weight. I got over this a long time ago with my wife. She was up there with me for a while and now enjoys being about my weight which is ok for her...

I expect to have BMI in 21.5 range and low body fat percent for the rest of my life....I am used to protein shakes and green veggies and swear off the bread and pasta and candy and desert. Im fine without it mostly for years...(ok as an occasional treat of course).

The great thing about a low glycemic diet also is that you can actual slack off on the work outs if you hate them and still so ok.

Getting taller not so easy ha ha...Im glad you threw that in.


----------



## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

I'm a fat ex-wife. My xH was very much like the OP. He married me at one weight. I gained weight. He was a bodybuilder/powerlifter and was very fit. He was incredibly unhappy and said that he was quite sexually frustrated because he was not attracted to my new body type - although we still had sex at least four times a week. I am about two years post divorce now and I can give you the insight I have from this perspective.

I was miserable. I hated being perceived to be less than what my xH wanted. It was the most emotionally devastating experience of my entire life. Even losing a parent didn't hurt as much as losing my partner of 12 years. I loved him with every fiber of my being, it was a true soul love and I was a very good wife. I supported his dreams, I met him wherever he was mentally, emotionally and even sexually. I loved him wholly and entirely and would have done/tried to do anything for him. Even now, I only want the absolute best for him in life and I have no regrets about the time I spent loving him.

I tried all of the diets, exercise plans and everything else. I lost 50 pounds, I gained 50 pounds. I was gung-ho about losing at times, completely motivated and completed unmotivated at times. My world was wrapped up in either feeling completely out of control about my weight and eating or feeling completely euphoric and powerful about controlling my weight and eating. After the last weight gain, my xH was fed up and he left. Well, he cheated first and then he left. He didn't do it callously or heartlessly. He struggled and battled with himself a lot. In the end, he felt that he deserved a fit woman in his life.

His leaving was devastating and I didn't know where to go from there. Finally, I spoke with my aunt - who had been married for 45 years at the time and spilled my heart out to her - all of my fears, struggles and devastation. And she listened and asked me one thing:

"What do you want?"

and then,

"What matters to you?"

I had no idea. I only knew what my xH wanted. I only knew what mattered to him. I realized that I needed to take some time out to figure out what _I_ really wanted. And I did that for a year.

I realized that while my health does concern me, my weight doesn't. So, I saw my doctor and expressed all of my concerns. He told me that the stress of my marriage and it's failure was more likely to kill me before my excess weight ever got the chance. So, I learned to look at my singleness as a gift, a de-stressor. 

He also pointed out that every woman in my family is overweight and not one of them has any significant health issues. I hate exercising, with a passion. I always have and always will. Nothing will ever make me like it. But I walk per doctor's orders 30 minutes a day, an hour on the weekend. I'd rather be cooking intricate recipes than doing Crossfit. And I really could care less what anyone thinks about that. My weight is no longer anybody's business and neither is my health. I take care of myself and that is all that matters.

My xH and I have stayed in contact, even while he dated all sorts of thin and very attractive girls. 

About a year out, I met a very nice man. Tall. Handsome. And, for what it's worth, fit. And he is crazy about me, excess weight and all. We've been dating for around a year and it's refreshing to be with someone who just loves me, with no expectations or contingencies. It's eye-opening. 

My xH did come back and ask to go to counseling and get back together. No, I hadn't lost a pound to be recognized. He said that "my weight no longer mattered" and he needed to learn to be more "emotionally mature". He said I was perfect and that he would never regret anything as much as he did leaving me. But I had moved on and, most importantly, determined that what he felt for me (probably the biggest and most thorough love he's ever felt) was not the real thing - the soul connection that you feel when you're with someone who makes you shine inside not because of how they look or how much they turn you on, but because of how they make you feel - completely accepted, completely loved and completely valued. I wouldn't have known that feeling if my xH hadn't left me. I would still be struggling with my weight and body image and miserably trying to be the 19-year-old girl he married. 

Because I was fat, I lost my husband. My world did not end, it actually improved. I discovered a deeper sense of self-love. And I'm in a much healthier and happier relationship. 

And I still wish the best for my xH.


----------



## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I would say he did a little growing up and realized that even though he was getting thin hot women there was something still missing.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Nothing makes a man want a woman more than seeing her move on with someone new.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Thanks very much for sharing your story.

And congratulations on discovering the secret to success ... for just about anything in your life, be it a relationship, or a personal goal ...

Deciding what you want, and what matters.



thatgirll007 said:


> I'm a fat ex-wife. My xH was very much like the OP. He married me at one weight. I gained weight. He was a bodybuilder/powerlifter and was very fit. He was incredibly unhappy and said that he was quite sexually frustrated because he was not attracted to my new body type - although we still had sex at least four times a week. I am about two years post divorce now and I can give you the insight I have from this perspective.
> 
> I was miserable. I hated being perceived to be less than what my xH wanted. It was the most emotionally devastating experience of my entire life. Even losing a parent didn't hurt as much as losing my partner of 12 years. I loved him with every fiber of my being, it was a true soul love and I was a very good wife. I supported his dreams, I met him wherever he was mentally, emotionally and even sexually. I loved him wholly and entirely and would have done/tried to do anything for him. Even now, I only want the absolute best for him in life and I have no regrets about the time I spent loving him.
> 
> ...


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

Obesity is an epidemic but the underlying cause of that epidemic is food addiction. Our food products are laced with substances that not only promote and trigger food addictions, but also cause chronic obesity and a plethora of other health issues. On that note there's two sides to every story. While it's all fine to say love me for who I am and I found someone who loves me overweight... IF you do suffer from food addiction and have allowed your marriage to dissolve because you chose not to beat it - you've chosen your addiction over your marriage. In some cases love-me-for-who-I-am is basically equal to "accept my addiction"

Don't look so shocked. People have allowed addictions to destroy their marriages for hundreds of years, and food addiction is no different. 

Once again I make no apologies for my blunt delivery. I'm not really interested in whether or not you agree, because you're not the experts in these fields that disagree with you. And I've lived it for years, and I've spent countless hours researching this in order to repair my own marriage. Rather than divorce and look for a new slimmer woman, I helped my wife identify her addiction, fins out what her trigger foods are, and _now she is successfully losing the weight for the first time in over 10 years._ And rather than be short sighted and just say I'm shallow while continuing to be unhealthy and overweight, she chose to fight for her health and fight her addiction. I'm very proud of her.

But what did it take? It took a very honest and heartfelt loving talk. I had to tell her that her bodyfat was affecting my sexual attraction, and she had to acknowledge that her fat was affecting her self esteem and ability to feel sexy. I informed her that our marriage can't be sustained without fixing these barriers to intimacy and she agreed.

The difference between our way of looking at the problem and how to solve it as opposed to some of the responses I've read here, was to educate ourselves about 2 major things:

1. food addiction and how to beat it
2. the impact being fat has on your spouse's sexual attraction to you and the effects of losing sex and sexual intimacy in your marriage.

Rather than listen to some of the excuses and/or blaming I've seen in some of the responses here, we turned to the experts. It's working. Molly-coddling doesn't work. I advise anyone else reading this thread to do the same. I find it interesting that advertising in our society has started a trend that actually promotes obesity by showing scantily clad plus sized young women actually flaunting fat. The reason I underlined that is because it basically looked to me like these young girls were otherwise quite capable of being fit, but don't really care to. 

I wish I could find the article again - it quoted a response one of the major food company CEO's gave to a U.S. Surgeon General during a meeting about links between food addiction and triggering substances in many of today's processed foods. It was something along the lines of "You're asking us to remove our biggest profit makers". :slap:


----------



## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

relate - There are just as many doctors, researchers and scientists studying the "obesity epidemic" and refuting the evidence as there are espousing it. But getting into a debate about obesity, food addiction and weight loss is not going to do a thing for either of us. I agree to disagree with you and "you're not really interested in whether or not (I) agree", so I won't beat a dead horse.

Furthermore, you don't know the first thing about my diet, nutrition and lifestyle, so to assume that I have a food addiction shows tremendous bias on your part. For the record, not every fat person in the world has a food addiction.

At any rate, I did not choose a food addiction over my marriage. My marriage dissolved because my xH was no longer willing to work on the marriage with me and wanted to be with other women. It was only after the separation and during the divorce that I discovered a newfound sense of purpose that did not revolve around dieting or changing my shape to be acceptable to anyone.

There are some marriages where a woman's size is the glue holding the pieces of the union together. I was in one...and I choose to never be in one again. 

As for women daring to live, breath, dress up, celebrate life and be happy regardless of their size - as for women choosing not to "be fit" - I'm sorry if it offends you, but them's the breaks. Life is not one size fits all, as much as it seems you would like it to be.


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

thatgirll007 said:


> relate - There are just as many doctors, researchers and scientists studying the "obesity epidemic" and refuting the evidence as there are espousing it. But getting into a debate about obesity, food addiction and weight loss is not going to do a thing for either of us. I agree to disagree with you and "you're not really interested in whether or not (I) agree", so I won't beat a dead horse.
> 
> Furthermore, you don't know the first thing about my diet, nutrition and lifestyle, so to assume that I have a food addiction shows tremendous bias on your part. For the record, not every fat person in the world has a food addiction.
> 
> ...


Your entire response rests on the assumption that I believe all obese / overweight people are food addicts. I refer you back to my last post to review this statement more thoroughly, particularly the bolded:



> *IF* you do suffer from food addiction


the entire post is related to those suffering from food addiction. If you are not, then it simply doesn't apply to you so you can feel free to ignore it as non applicable. However I will say that with the disclaimer that there are also many overweight people who suffer from food addiction who will not admit it. Just as there are with other addicts in general. It's a common condition of the addiction process. This is not to say you are one of them. As you pointed out, I do not know you. I'm simply stating that denial is part of the addiction process in general.


----------



## thatgirll007 (Dec 14, 2010)

relate said:


> the entire post is related to those suffering from food addiction. If you are not, then it simply doesn't apply to you so you can feel free to ignore it as non applicable.


Will do.


----------



## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

One general note to address the thyroid argument. Weight gain due to thyroid conditions is often mentioned on these boards in the context of "I can't do anything about it, my weight gain is medical." This folks, is a fallacy. There are several tried and proven ways to successfully slim down to a fit shape even with acute thyroid conditions, and most of them are related to your eating lifestyle.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I dont have time to read the whole thread but has anyone mentioned that maybe she doesn't care about the decrease in sex and so being over weight is a great way for her to avoid it? 
Has she started on hormonal birth control? 
You might go to the marriage builders website and look at the emotional needs quiz. One of them is the appearance of the spouse. 
Her reaction to WW speaks volumes. She just doesn't want to lose weight, at least not for you. Maybe she doesn't see it as a legitimate emotional need. Maybe she feels like you aren't meeting her other needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Sorry I just read more and saw that he moved out. I feel bad for both of them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

this is not good she seems unhappy you need to address this

get outside help

best of luck

if things do not change. i suggest leaving you cannot give away years of your life if you are unhappy. find it for both of you


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I can see why she is annoyed. One difficulty is that if ends up losing the weight, she will feel she is doing it for you, not for herself. Please don't have children until you get this worked out. 
While I can respect your self-discipline, I don't think she is happy in the new town she is in, is not happy with her life, doesn't like the way you treat her and order her around, and eats partly because she is unhappy. 

My wife gained some weight, but when I mentioned fitness and exercise, she gave me the silent treatment for a couple of days. I dropped the issue and 9 months later on her own, she decided to diet and lost about 8 pounds to date. If you don't like her for better or worse, and it does not seem to be the case, and you have no children, then maybe you two are better off separating because you both seem unhappy and I don't see either of you getting what you want.


----------



## VidaLoca (Oct 21, 2012)

Hello, I just signed up for this forum. I haven't read through every post on this thread, but I'd like to add my 2 cents.

I'm a woman whose weight has gone up and down by as much as 70 lbs. Here's what I've learned about my weight & fitness.

Without exception, every time I've gained a lot of weight, it's been during a toxic marriage or relationship. Like most girls in our society, I was taught as a kid that it's "un-ladylike" to get angry. This means that at a very early age, I learned to suppress feelings of anger, and numb the feeling with something else. In my case, I learned to self-medicate with food. Unfortunately, for many years I was also attracted to pushy, overbearing, and controlling men. Bad mix, and obviously stuff I needed to fix inside myself.

My pattern was that one day it would hit me how unfit and unhealthy I had become, and I'd start working out like crazy. I'd start feeling great about myself again, and then my eyes would open to the fact that I was in yet another toxic relationship.

It took me a lot of work to heal my patterns - first learning to be happy on my own, then learning better coping mechanisms for stress (now I work out instead), and finally learning to pick better guys. It's been a long journey, but worth it.

To the guy that explained at great length how supportive he tried to be of his wife's efforts at health and fitness, first let me say it's great that you were so supportive with healthy eating, cooking, and working out with her. But let me also suggest that maybe there's more going on than meets the eye. She might not even be aware of it.

Many women in relationships react to stress of one kind or another by pushing down anger, and self-medicating with food. And I know there are many women like me who get into relationships and then put on weight, and we don't always make the connection between the relationship needing work and our weight gain.

So long story short: I'm guessing that before your wife can successfully heal her health & fitness issues, she may need to work on underlying emotional causes. That might mean working on the marriage itself. You may be unhappy that she got out of shape, but it might be that she "let herself go" because she's unhappy or stressed out about something in the marriage. Or who knows, maybe it's in some other area of her life, like work, or her family. I wish you both well, and I hope you're able to work things out. Blessings to you.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

She is currently taking lexapro and finally took my suggestions to start seeing a counselor (started on that about two months ago). Since I moved out, it seems as though she is changing her ways and rediscovering herself. She's dropped 6 dress sizes (down from a 12 to a 6) and seems to be regaining those traits I fell in love with - being able to be independant, she's taking care of the house now instead of me doing the majority of the chores (cause obviously I'm not there to help). 

I have not dated or seen any other women and will not yet until we figure out what's going on with "us". But for the time being I've been responding to her texts with just replies of "don't worry about us right now, focus on YOU and figure out who YOU truly want to be"

So far it looks like she is doing a great job becoming her old self and she has even stepped up with the healthy lifestyle going so far as to sign up for and start training for some 5k's. I'm still not sure what to do, and I want to give her plenty of time to figure out what person she wants to be. After that, I intend to have a serious discussion, probabnly with a marriage counselor, to see if the new "MsAugust" is both compatible with me, if I'm compatible with the new her, and see what our feelings are about reconciliation.

The good news for us is that the issues we were having are fixable. It's nothing like cheating, or constant drug abuse, or anything to me that would be an immediate "no going back" situation. But we both have to realize that fitness is important to me in a marriage, being a partnership in household chores and duties is important, and we have to both understand and accept that these are lifelong choices. Not "I'll stay in shape till I have a kid and then I'll just let it go" or something like that (for either of us...I never will stop trying to stay fit as long as I am able)

I've browsed the boards regarding lexapro and long term affects and this is a concern, but I have to realize too that most of the time people will not create posts if everything is going well, so all those bad posts I see are just because people are more likely start a new post to ask for help than to randomly say, "everything is good."

HQ


----------



## Template (Aug 2, 2011)

She has lost 6 dress sizes since the beginning of September? Wow, that is awesome. Could you let us know what kind of program she is on that you lose weight and tone up so fast?


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Template said:


> She has lost 6 dress sizes since the beginning of September? Wow, that is awesome. Could you let us know what kind of program she is on that you lose weight and tone up so fast?


I shifted andmodified her workout plan to somewhat mirror mine.

*Most important is diet.* She cut out all soda at the house and now drinks mostly water for most meals, throughout the day, and low calorie juices (you can find "diet" ocean spray juices, that sorta thing). She cut out almost all sugary foods/snacks. No cakes, cookies, candies. She has a small piece maybe once a week as part of going out with friends and saves it for her "cheat night" meals (which she has maybe one or two a week). She also went to a low carb diet. Bread and doughy foods will kill your results. Save it for the cheat nights, and make those cheat nights the nights you hang out with your friends. This way you can enjoy whatever they decide to make, don't eat too much of it, and if you've sacrificed and eaten correctly morning, noon and night when it's just you and YOUR family, it won't affect you as if you were cheating all the time. A sample (what I eat nearly every day), would be weight control quaker oatmeal with skim milk and a protein shake in the morning before work (appx 7 AM). At 10 AM I have a natures valley bar. At noon I have a grilled chicken salad with some veggies/fruit. At 3 PM I have maybe a banana or some wheat thins (my weakness, so I make sure to only count out ONE serving and bring only ONE serving to work). 5 PM is protein shake after doing my cardio, 7 PM is dinner, typically a lean meat with veggies on the side.

*workout* I prefer to lift weights, but she prefers crossfit classes so I'll post her workout routine (I modified it around her X-fit classes).

She does her crossfit class M, W, and F mornings. Monday night she'll do intervals on the elliptical for half an hour (5 minute warmup, 20 minutes of alternating high intensity and low intensity every other minute, 5 minute cooldown). Tuesday since there's no crossfit, she might run for an hour. I set her goal to be able to run at 5 mph for the entire hour (including 5 minute warmup and 5 minute cooldown) stressing that it WILL take time to get there. After she completes that, next week make the goal 5.5 mph, etc. etc. Wednesday she would bike intervals. Thursday is a day off from everything. Friday would be bike for a half hour, no intervals. And Saturday would be 1 hour of her choice, at a steady, but challenging pace.

It worked for me and it's proving to work for her. But MOST important is fueling your body with the right types of foods and NOT too much or too little of it. I don't count calories personally, but I know that if I hit a wall and don't seem to be gaining muscle or losing fat, morethan likely I'mnot taking in enough calories and I will modify my diet by trying to add a 200 calorie snack. Right now my diet is good and even though I've hit a "stasis", I like where I'm at so I'm more at a "maintenance" phase.

HQ

PS - Yes this seems like a lot, but splitting up a workout into two separate sessions throughout the day makes it less stressing for me (so I'm not in the gym for two hours at a time, but rather maybe 45 minutes for weights and a half hour to hour for cardio), and I feel this keeps the heart rate up and the calories burning better throughout the day and night. I workout at lunch, and then at 5 PM. She works out in the morning (7 AM) and then at night (8 PM) after getting home. 

Certainly during the week there's little time for TV and video games, but that's where netflix and a DVR comes it and it helps me to really appreciate and take advantage of the weekends.


----------



## Moiraine (Dec 30, 2011)

Thanks for sharing her routine.

It sounds very intense. I'm sure it'll deliver superb results. I know for me that's definitely not something I can maintain for the rest of my life.

My diet is not strict at all. I try to eat within my calorie limit every day. I do workout on a regular basis (cardio alternating with weight training). I've lost 25 lbs and am now very happy with my current weight. My main goal right now is to lose body fat percentage. I'm in no real hurry. Hubby loves my body 

It's good to hear that she's doing so well. I sincerely hope you two can work things out.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I would think that a workout routine like that would be very hard for someone who is not particularly fond of exercise to maintain. Why does she have to work out as much as you do?

I run four to five times a week for 40 - 50 minutes. I do abdominal excercises most nights. I keep my calories under 1300 a day. I'm losing weight just fine.

I'd say there's a very high likelihood hat she's going to burn out and give up. Then, whoops! You're back where you started.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Lyris said:


> I would think that a workout routine like that would be very hard for someone who is not particularly fond of exercise to maintain. Why does she have to work out as much as you do?
> 
> I run four to five times a week for 40 - 50 minutes. I do abdominal excercises most nights. I keep my calories under 1300 a day. I'm losing weight just fine.
> 
> I'd say there's a very high likelihood hat she's going to burn out and give up. Then, whoops! You're back where you started.


I don't expect her to keep it up forever. We had talked about that previously. She let herself go, and it was going to take a LOT of hard work to get back. Once she gets back, she can exercise less and she'll have developed good eating habits so it'll be more of a "maintenance phase". The extra workouts are just to get there a little faster and to show her that hard work WILL pay off and hopefully she won't be scared to work hard again should she gain weight again cause she can look back and see how much she CAN accomplish when she puts her mind to it.

We had talked about after reaching her goal weight, setting a bar to watch out for. For example. If she reaches 132 and everything is great there, she can go to just her crossfit three days a week and some cardio or interval training the other two. This would cut working out down in half. She'll have healthy eating habits and will not have to worry about eating tons of useless calories. And she could monitor her weight, and maybe set a 5 pound bar. If she weighs herself one day and weighs 137 (five more than her goal) she ups the workouts and cuts back SLIIGHTLY on calories until she gets back to 132. Much better to nip it in the bud with five pounds than to ignore it or NOT monitor it and find out you've gained fifty again.

Much the same as some people might say, "hey, I'm gaining a little weight, it's time to hit the gym". Many people who make the conscious decision lose weight hit a trigger point. Maybe they get out of breath walking up a few flights of stairs and that is something they should be able to do. Maybe they can't see their toes when they look down. Maybe that favorite dress or pair of pants can't get buttoned anymore. My wife and I had talked about making it easier to measure and just setting some sort of pound limit. And 5 pounds more than her goal should be enough to take into account weight fluctuations, water retention, etc. and it's not so much that it will take forever to lose it once she hits it.

For me, personally, I don't go by weight as my workouts are much more intense and athletically focused and my weight will fluctuate based on what type of workout routine I'm doing. But I'm in the army and have to take a pt test regularly. My personal limit i set for myself is my score. If I don't score higher than a 275 out of 300, I workout and workout and take a pt test monthly until I can. 

HQ


----------



## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

hqusafa, what's the word? Everything going good now?


----------



## DobermanLove (Aug 19, 2013)

Being that I'm too lazy to read through 5+pages of responses here is what I think...your wife is VERY lazy.

I do not think you are shallow (female perspective), I don't think it's a lot to ask for your partner to keep in shape. I have been down that path with my SO before. I tried it all, changing both of our diets (even though he was the one that needed it), trying to work out with him (walks, hikes, gym) and he would COMPLAIN like no other, and always find an excuse as to why he couldn't work out. Excuses ranged from asthma, to his knee, or that he did't want to go on a hike too far our because we might get attacked by a mountain lion...LOL...(that one is my favorite).

Anyway, what it came down to was me doing exactly what you did...no sex, I was turned off..majorly. I had the same conversation you had with my SO. Nothing changed. He started to take notice of our lack of sex, and when he confronted me about it I was honest. I told him it was because of his weight. The entire time I kept up my appearances he was letting his slip. He noticed plenty of men took notice of me, and when he realized that I was not going to relent on the weight, and he noticed a picture of his slimmer days and what he looked like currently in pictures it was a wake up call. He started working out on his own, especially because I "rewarded" his efforts if you know what I mean.

Every woman on this forum is going to hate me but let's be blunt.

She is going to balloon if you two have children, she's only 5'4 and she will definitely go well over 200lbs with kids, can you deal with that?

First start by going through your kitchen, throw out the soda, cookies, get rid of any and all garbage, or anything high in sugar and salt. 

Find some interesting recipes that take you out of your comfort zone and are healthy. Eat high in fiber and protein (together), make the weight lose a competition (friendly of course), and reward yourselves when you reach goals. 

Make it a point to go on "romantic" walks, every afternoon. Sneak physical activity into things that will help you bond. 

Good luck


----------



## Vegasguy (Apr 26, 2013)

Previous poster is right...as soon as you have kids it will be "baby fat" and another excuse and another 50 pounds. And it will be an excuse that makes you feel guilty or like an ass for commenting on her fat unhealthy unattractive body. Nothing will change. Divorce her now. She broke the marriage contract by having a physical affair with food and sloth.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

NoHappyEnding said:


> hqusafa, what's the word? Everything going good now?


Well it's been about a year since my last post in this thread so I guess it IS time for an update.

If you read the later part of the thread, I had left and moved out, and then she must've gotten serious and started to workout hardcore and watched what she ate cause she dropped about 15 almost 20 pounds. I've since moved back in (moved back in about a year ago).

She's gained back the 20 pounds that she lost while I was away. I'm still doing many of the chores around the house, but she's definitely doing her share of the chores as she can with her workload (walking the dogs in the morning, taking out trash, vaccuuming and food shopping which is the most time intensive one). So I don't feel like I'm being taken advantage of.

But unfortunately, she's gained back the weight she lost while I was gone. She's back to about 160-165ish.

In this year I competed in a few amateur bodybuilding competitions at the 155 lb weight class. Got down to about 6-7% bodyfat for these competitions. Won the overall in one, won my weight class in another, got second in another (I wasn't in my best shape), and got third in the most recent one about a month ago (I was in great shape, but unfortunately, two guys showed up who were in BETTER shape. Not much you can do about that).

The only things i can think that are holding her back is not working out hard enough in the gym, and cheating on her diet. She goes to the gym 5 or 6 times a week. But I just have to trust that she is pushing herself to failure like her workout tells her to. Not just doing ten reps of semi-hard weight and breathing a little hard on the treadmill at a low setting. And I hear all the time about how her coworkers were ordering out so she ordered out, or it was a special occasion so she had to have some cake, or how even though she's on a current no-carb diet Monday through Friday she eats things that have only 2 or 3 grams of carbs (but add all those up throughout the day and is it defeating the purpose?)

Plus there were plenty of times where she would forget to add stuff to her myfitnesspal account, or wouldn't plan ahead and so when she added up at the end of the day, she found out she'd gone over her goal by too much. 

I just wish she'd just go 100% and get to her goal. It's coming up on 3 years since we first had the talk about her weight gain. Gained about 45 pounds in one year, and in three years has lost ten.

I guess the feeling I've felt more often than not is sorta hopeless. Literally without hope. I had hoped when this workout was started, or this diet, or this combination, or this idea, or the 5k app she downloaded, or the gps watch I bought for her for that 5k app, or the subscription to runner's magazine, or the muscle and fitness hers magazine that's in the bathroom right now.

Well it's sorta the boy who cried wolf situation now. I feel no hope. There's no reason she should have gained the weight. No reason she could not have lost the weight at some point over these three years. So now when I get told about a new diet, or recipe, or workout, I just smile, say that's nice, and go on about my day.

I guess it's inevitable that not everyone is going to have a happy marriage. Not everyone is going to work to make their marriage happy. Divorce lawyers wouldn't exist if husbands and wives were always willing to work hard to fix their problems. So I guess i"m just destined to be in a marriage that's more like being roommates with my best friend. Friends without benefits. Good friend though. Best friend. Just wish she had stayed attractive for as many years as she could've. not just during the dating years. But there's no point in wishing.

Although I hate the quote, I think it applies well to my life situation. "It is what it is."

Alexi


----------



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

Sorry I haven't read through the entire thread, but has she tried some type of appetite suppressant/energy pill? Like something prescribed by an MD even?

I know exercise is super important to you, but from what I've read what you eat is what really makes you gain or lose weight.

I take V3 by Voyager Health and love it. It makes me forget food even exists for half the day, improves mood etc.

Otherwise I think you're right- she's young, has not yet had children and her weight is unlikely to go down after babies. If she's more interested in food than being sexy for you now...it doesn't bode well for the future.

Though people scream about being 'shallow' I've always felt that a spouse gaining weight/becoming less attractive was, in many cases, a rejection. So it's natural to be unhappy about it.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

pink_lady said:


> Sorry I haven't read through the entire thread, but has she tried some type of appetite suppressant/energy pill? Like something prescribed by an MD even?


She just ordered hydroxycut. She hasn't used anything in the past, but it looks like she's now going to try that.

HQ


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Four more months. No change except she took up yoga.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

What are you looking for specifically? Does she need to hit a certain weight or something? I didn't read all your thread.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

A few comments.

1. Maybe you haven't been assertive enough. Telling her 5-10 times a week that she's fat and you don't find her attractive may not be enough. Consider a billboard, why my wife needs to lose weight. How about some spots on the cable channel. 

2. Is this letter real? Not some parody. 

3. You realize of course that nagging won't help. 

4. Anyone else figure this ends as follows. Finally, she does lose the weight and ends up on a rigorous conditioning program. He is happy, she smiles but one day he comes home and finds her in bed with Jack Smith, the regional body-building champion at a higher weight. She explains to her husband that he's nice, but a little small, and that now understanding the importance of physical beauty, she wanted the new guy who is 6-2 190, all muscle. 

Good luck people, like watching a train wreck about to happen.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Seems like you should have married someone you met at the gym. 

A lot of people just do not like that lifestyle and if that was not her style before you married why would you expect that to change?

People can keep themselves trim without working out all the time as long as they eat right but it is much easier to gain weight than loose it.


----------



## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> Seems like you should have married someone you met at the gym.



Agree working out /physical fitness seems to be very important to you but clearly it's not on the same level of importance for her. That doesn't make either one of you right or wrong. However it does make you mismatched.

One of the things husbands often complain about (I'm a husband myself btw) is that their wives always try to "change" them, consider them a "project". It's a little demeaning, as if we're just not quite good enough. It sounds like you are being the same towards your wife. As long as she meets your standards of beauty it's OK. But your standards are pretty high. And if she resents it, she will passively-aggressively keep failing at the "challenges" you keep giving her.

I'm not saying you're wrong. Believe me, I know there are a lot of women (and men too!) who simply say "I don't like working out" - as if that's a valid excuse for allowing yourself to fall apart. Guess what, sometimes I don't like going to work and bringing home money for the family, but I still do it. Who says we are supposed to like everything all the time?

What I am saying is that your approach cannot work, because it makes her feel bad about herself, and that causes resentment and that makes her even less likely to want to try.

Honestly I think you either need to accept her at her "standard" weight (and yeah that's her heavier one because that's where she will likely end up regardless) - or go meet a fitness fanatic at the gym. Give your wife a chance to find a guy who will like her pleasantly plump self, and not constantly order her to lose weight like a drill sergeant.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Wow!!

I think it's awesome when people come back after a long time and give us updates. Thank you hqusafa.

Your wife originally slimmed down because she was taking some medication right? Could she simply go back to that medication?

I hate it when drugs/medication are the solution, but I see few other long-term options here.


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

"Seems like you should have married someone you met at the gym. '

Not really. Even if you get someone into physical beauty, no guarantee they stay exactly that way. I just saw a show which featured a Baywatch star, now married, dressed in sweats who says her interest in clothes, etc, had dramatically changed now that she is a mother. 

Overall that's probably good. No, I didn't have time to get Jimmy dressed and give him breakfast, I was trying on some new outfits to see which looked best with my tremendous figure. 

To get married and assume physical appearance will remain exactly the same is unrealistic. I am in the middle, I think just as wives comment about various things a husband does, and man can not something about appearance but that's about it.


----------



## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

I don't know why people get married and try to change that person. My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me. I tell him there is more of me to love. If I wanted a Mr Olympia that's who I would have married.

If I was your wife I would stay fat just to piss you off and then when you left me I would get thin and in shape.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Another "wife less attractive now" thread...LONG post (be ready!)*



Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't know why people get married and try to change that person. My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me. I tell him there is more of me to love. If I wanted a Mr Olympia that's who I would have married.
> 
> If I was your wife I would stay fat just to piss you off and then when you left me I would get thin and in shape.


I'm always amazed at how often this response gets posted in these sorts of threads.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't know why people get married and try to change that person. My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me. I tell him there is more of me to love. If I wanted a Mr Olympia that's who I would have married.
> 
> If I was your wife I would stay fat just to piss you off and then when you left me I would get thin and in shape.


Are you kidding me?! Please tell me this post is a joke. What a way to resolve issues.



> I don't know why people get married and try to change that person


*OP did not try to "change" his wife!!!!* She was NOT FAT when he married her; in fact she was slim and hot, according to him.

I am going to stop here before I type something that gets me in trouble.


----------



## 4thand11 (May 20, 2013)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't know why people get married and try to change that person. My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me. I tell him there is more of me to love. If I wanted a Mr Olympia that's who I would have married.
> 
> If I was your wife I would stay fat just to piss you off and then when you left me I would get thin and in shape.


Lol yes get fat on purpose, that'll show him. How dare a man feel that being physically attracted to his wife is important! 

Posts like this make me wonder how the divorce rate isn't even higher than it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Happilymarried25 said:


> My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me.


You will be singing a different tune if/when your overweight (now fat) husband has a heart attack or stroke due to his weight problems.

Why do people think obesity is ok -- "oh well, he's just a little rotund." I guarantee if your spouse had cancer or glaucoma you would be getting him in for medical treatment ASAP. Why is being an unhealthy weight any different? It takes years off your life and taxes every body system -- joints, organs, bones, etc.

:soapbox:


----------



## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Happilymarried25 said:


> I don't know why people get married and try to change that person. My husband was overweight when we got married and he has gained weight over the years. That perfectly fine with me. I tell him there is more of me to love. If I wanted a Mr Olympia that's who I would have married.


There's a happy healthy medium between being obese and Mr. Olympia. Too many people in America are complacent about being obese. 

I wouldn't be attracted to someone obese, sorry that's just not me. And I know my husband wouldn't be attracted to me if I gained enough weight to be obese. It doesn't make either one of us shallow. Love is a separate thing from physical attraction. I would still love him if he put on a lot of weight, but I can't guarantee the sexual attraction would still be there. 



Happilymarried25 said:


> If I was your wife I would stay fat just to piss you off and then when you left me I would get thin and in shape.


Very mature of you... But you also prove the OP's point that losing weight is within a person's control...


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

hqusafa,

I read your entire thread, but I am a bit confused. A year or so ago, you were all set to leave. Then your wife chimed in, actually lost some weight, but has since gained it all back.

I'm just wondering what changed, in your mind. Why you decided to stay and accept a "roommate" type marriage instead of leaving like you were going to.



> So I guess i"m just destined to be in a marriage that's more like being roommates with my best friend. Friends without benefits. Good friend though. Best friend.


The reason I ask... I stayed in a 20 year "roommate" marriage (I stayed for my kids, but you don't have kids) and in the end the marriage ultimately failed. There were no weight issues, just low sex drive on his part and no attraction between us. It was a hopeless feeling.

Leaving and starting over, finding the love of my life partner, has made all the difference in the world.

I am not advocating that you do the same as me, just wondering, are you happy with your decision to stay?


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

She may have been thin. -A lot of people are thin when young and then gain weight in their mid twenties just because their calorie needs change. 

But it does not sound as if "fitness" was ever her lifestyle.

And that is what he is trying to change. 

A lot of exercise will make the fat come off faster but simply eating right and moderate exercise will do the same thing over a longer period of time. 

If the OP is working out all the time than he can have a higher carb intake but if they eat together all the time that what is good for him is not good for her. 

He needs to change their diet instead of trying to get her to love the gym. Take 1 hour walks with her in the evening at least three days a week instead.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I'm pretty much resigned to having an overweight wife for the time being. I'm in good shape exercise every day I'm 5-8 (160 lbs) shes 5-8 (190 lbs). she gained about 2-25 lbs since we got married.

The problem is, shes a nurse and her company upped her daily hours and she has to work about 10-12 hours a day. She doesn't like where she is weight wise and is a bit under-motivated to swim on her days off, but she works so darn hard that i don't say anything about it.

It's an issue, and i've lost some attractiveness towards her, but i can live with it for the time being. Don't have a lot of choice and I still love her deeply.


----------



## Surviving This Marriage (Mar 23, 2014)

hqusafa said:


> I know I can't force her to change. But she wants to chane on her own. I'm trying to find ways to help her to change, but she seem to have an excuse to every suggestiong I have. I'll continue to try to help her however much she wants.
> HQ


I can't even. This right here, the "helping" and "friendly suggestions". Stop that. Ok here's my thing. One month ago I weighed 210 pounds. I'm 5'8". So too heavy, definitely. I didn't like myself. So, I had a discussion with my husband about it. I knew he would be blunt and I wanted an honest opinion, no sugarcoating. I asked if he thought I needed to lose weight. His response? He loves how I look but what he thought didn't matter. What mattered was me being happy with myself, and that's what he wanted for me. 

He had some suggestions, but like your wife, I had an excuse for most of them. Too tired,not enough time, too busy, etc. The only difference? My husband didn't make me feel like I wasn't good enough or that I wasn't living up to his standards. I got tired of my size fairly quickly, and I found my own solution. I'm happy to say that I started my diet the first of March and I'm now down to 191. 

The most satisfying part is that I'm doing it on my own. I can be proud of myself for deciding to change my situation and sticking to it. You're taking that away from her by not giving her the space to figure it out on her own. 

Everyone is talking about marriage vows and how it isn't fair to marry a person and then they change for the worst, because they have a responsibility to their spouses to look good and they're in breach of the contract. Okay, no. How about "in sickness and in health", or "for better or for worse"? At what point have you held up your end of the deal, because I don't remember saying "I love you, but if you gain weight then we might need to rethink this whole marriage thing". 

A marriage is supposed to be forever, and I stand by that. God knows my husband and I have had some serious ups and downs, most of which were considerably worse than a sudden weight gain, but we're getting help sorting things out. 

You say everything else is great about her: funny, intelligent, sweet, kind, loving, etc. So which one are you willing to trade in exchange for a trophy wife? She can be a c**t, but as long a she's hot and impresses your friends it's cool, right? No woman is perfect. It sounds like you really need to reevaluate what's important and what's not in a relationship. 

I'm not saying you're a bad person, however, I will say this is shallow as all he'll. Think about this: the roles are reversed, she's the health nut with an intense exercise plan and is in the best shape of her life. You're hot, but then something drastic ans life altering happens to you and you pick up some weight. How good are you going to feel dropping five pounds when she wants you to drop ten? Probably pretty stressed, when really that weight loss should feel great. 

Be grateful that you were blessed with a wonderful, caring woman who thinks you're great, because somewhere out there are plenty of women who wouldn't give you a second glance.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'm always flummoxed at how difficult it is to discuss weight problems and obesity. It is at a crisis level, yet to bring it up is being shallow and unreasonable.

It spouses were refusing to pay attention to dental hygiene, bathing, grooming, hair, etc that would be a red flag, unacceptable, thoughtless misstep.

I would never allow myself to pack on 40-50 pounds of fat. That is just inconsiderate to your spouse. Its selfish, and defeatist, if anything.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Forest said:


> I'm always flummoxed at how difficult it is to discuss weight problems and obesity. It is at a crisis level, yet to bring it up is being shallow and unreasonable.
> 
> *If spouses were refusing to pay attention to dental hygiene, bathing, grooming, hair, etc that would be a red flag, unacceptable, thoughtless misstep*.
> 
> I would never allow myself to pack on 40-50 pounds of fat. That is just inconsiderate to your spouse. Its selfish, and defeatist, if anything.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

You mentioned lexapro. Many antidepressants contribute to weight gain and diminished libido. Wellbutrin is an exception on both counts (can increase libido and diminish appetite).

I work with a doc who often prescribes Topamax which is a migraine med that helps people lose weight.

She did a lot better with her weight and health when you were separated. I suspect your hyper-control over her regarding this issue is backfiring. She would probably stay skinny and fit with a guy who didn't care about her weight.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Forest said:


> I'm always flummoxed at how difficult it is to discuss weight problems and obesity.


I have not seen any example of it being difficult to discuss -where have you seen that?

It is difficult to get another person to change their behavior but that applied to all behaviors and not just fitness. 

You can certainly discuss with your spouse that they need to be more fit for their own good but if they do not than you really have no other recourse than to divorce if it is that big of deal to you.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

usmarriedguy said:


> I have not seen any example of it being difficult to discuss -where have you seen that?


As in just about anytime a man discusses weight gain by his wife. (not specifically this thread) He gets it from every direction about how awful and uncaring, boorish and self centered he is. Followed by speeches on body image, etc.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Forest said:


> As in just about anytime a man discusses weight gain by his wife. (not specifically this thread) He gets it from every direction about how awful and uncaring, boorish and self centered he is. Followed by speeches on body image, etc.


I guess you are seeing something I do not. 



> I'm always flummoxed at how difficult it is to discuss weight problems and obesity. It is at a crisis level, yet to bring it up is being shallow and unreasonable.


I mean this thread is like 14 pages of discussion on the topic I do not see any difficulty in discussing the issue. 

I would guess that there is near 100% agreement that excess weight is unhealthy.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

> There's a happy healthy medium between being obese and Mr. Olympia. Too many people in America are complacent about being obese.
> 
> I wouldn't be attracted to someone obese, sorry that's just not me. And I know my husband wouldn't be attracted to me if I gained enough weight to be obese. It doesn't make either one of us shallow. Love is a separate thing from physical attraction. I would still love him if he put on a lot of weight, but I can't guarantee the sexual attraction would still be there.


Thank you. This puts in much clearer words how I feel. I do still love her, she's a great person, and we're very compatible in many ways. We get along great, we're great friends, but in a marriage I want more than friends. Isn't marriage essentially best friends with benefits for life? Otherwise, wouldn't we all just marry our BFFs and never worry about not having sex or being sexually attracted?



> hqusafa,
> 
> I read your entire thread, but I am a bit confused. A year or so ago, you were all set to leave. Then your wife chimed in, actually lost some weight, but has since gained it all back.
> 
> ...


I think the reason I'm staying has multiple layers. First of all, she IS a great person. If this was someone I fought with, didn't get along with, constantly bickered or argued with, or something like that, no way would I be here right now. I'd be gone. But she IS really great.

Second, for me, although at specific instances (low points) it really DOES feel hopeless, when I sit back and look at the situation, I still DO have hope. She has tried many workout routines. She's going to yoga because she enjoys it and is trying to find a way of staying healthy that she enjoys. If she had given up, I would have given up in the relationship.

She gained weight. She still has it on, but she DOES go to the gym everyday, and she does track her calories now. It sucks that it's taken years for her to realize tracking calories and being active is all you need to do, but I DO have hope that she'll figure out that magic combination that works for her as I do see her actively trying different calorie counts and different workout routines to find her combination.

I found combination that keeps me healthy and physically fit, and I hope she finds hers soon. I wish she never lost it in the first place, but she's trying. And she told me last week, "I hope you don't give up on me, because I'm not giving up." And she's not giving up. She's not making progress, but probably solely cause her calories are too high and/or her activity level is not high enough (let's face it, an hour of yoga is NOTHING compared to 20 minutes of sprint drills, however she prefers yoga, so for her to reach her goals, she has to eat less to create a calorie deficit than if she were sprinting).

Also, and you've probably heard this from MANY MANY people in a position where they're torn on a relationship, it IS easier to stay where you are. We're making headway on our bills and paying off debt, we have a life routine that works for both of us, mutual friends, etc. And we don't hate each other. We enjoy each other's company. It's just a problem with sexual attraction. Am I ready to throw in the towel right now with all the good things going on? No, because she IS working on it and trying out different diets to see which is easiest for her to stick with long-term.

I'm not sure what's gonna happen if I have to move. If I get moved to another location for my job in a year or two and she still hasn't made any headway, I can only assume that the effort wasn't there because I wasn't worth the effort, and that maybe at that time, it's best for her to remain with her friends and job in the area and we part ways. 

Really, this is what it feels like to me. To me, it feels like a rejection. Like we got married, I complimented her, told her what was important, told her how beautiful and sexy she was, and during the marriage she felt at some point I wasn't worth whatever effort was necessary to stay sexy for. We've got a box of lingerie and outfits that we used ALL THE TIME while dating, and now it hasn't been used in years cause it doesn't fit. That's how it feels to me. Like I'm not worth staying hot for. And it sucks. I don't know why I'm not worth it anymore. I was when we were dating, I was when I was deployed and helped her move to my town, I was when I got back and bought us a truck that she wanted and chose the next place to live with her, when we bought our house together, but at some point, to me, it's like she said, "Man. This relationship is great, but staying fit is hard. I'll still love him, and I know he was crazy about my body and how I looked in jeans, skirts and fitted shirts, but we've been married a year now. It's hard. A few extra pounds won't hurt. He's not worth my total commitment to being sexy for me. He's worth about %50 commitment to sexy." or "Wow, he's really upset and crying over how he I've gained about 50 pounds in a year. Well, I'll make a little effort. Not go crazy and get back to where I was last year when we got married, just a little and maybe it'll be enough."

I doubt it was a conscious decision, and I doubt it was LITERALLY a case of her saying, "This is too hard, we're married, so now I CAN stop trying," but that's how it felt and still feels.

I hope this effort of hers pays off. I follow bodybuilding.com religiously, and see all these people making noticeable transformations in a mere 3 or 4 months (check out the "transformations" as a 12 week contest is ending right now). And I can't help but wonder why, after all this trouble and stress it's put on our relationship, she hasn't just put 100% effort into it for 3 or 4 months to make an obvious change. 3 years, no change. So what kind of effort is being made to change this large stressful part of our relationship?

Even scarier, sometimes I wonder how much our relationship is changed permanently because of this stress. Let's say she took the next 12 weeks and made a HUGE change, put 100% in, weighed all her food, and got back to a size 2/4 like when I met her. Our relationship dynamic has changed. Will I be able to instantly accept that she's done it "for good" and will NEVER go back? Probably not. After waiting for 3 years, how long will it take for me to convince myself that this was a lifestyle change and not a quick fix and she's not gonna slip back? Or slip even further? I don't know. It's sad that even AFTER she changes back (which I hope she puts maximum effort into it and just goes crazy on changing her life to a healthier one), I'm probably still going to be going to counseling to sort out my feelings and levels of trust. 

HQ


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> Hi
> I'm curious, does she know that her weight for you is a deal breaker?
> 
> No sugar coating, have you come starlight out and told her if you cannot maintain your weight at a size 2/4 throughout our marriage; I am not going to be sexually attracted to you and will divorce you.


Three years ago, our first conversation about the weight, I told her how I loved her, however I couldn't be happy in a marriage where there's no sexual attraction. I told her she wasn't obese, but I saw her weight gain heading in that direction and I wouldn't stay in a sexless marriage. I explained that I love her, but I married the woman I loved, beautiful and sexy inside and out, but I wanted us to try to remain so, inside and out. I explained that I will help her, but it wouldn't be fair to either of us to stay in a sexless marriage as I believed (and still do) that physical attraction is a big part of a relationship and partners should try to stay attractive, both inside and out, to their partners. 

I've said it a few other times since then whenever we have had discussions on her weight (maybe every six months or so after not seeing a change I feel that I should bring it up since I feel in six months I should see SOME results of efforts if she's really trying 100%)

Alexi


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

coffee4me said:


> Hi
> I'm curious, does she know that her weight for you is a deal breaker?
> 
> No sugar coating, have you come starlight out and told her if you cannot maintain your weight at a size 2/4 throughout our marriage; I am not going to be sexually attracted to you and will divorce you.
> ...


Oh, and there's no hard numbers. I don't weigh people and take tape measure measurements.

She did ask the same question. She said, "But what if I work out and eat right and don't get back to 130 (lbs)?" to which I replied, "Hon, you were a size two when you weren't eating right or working out. If you're working out and eating right you're GOING to be in better shape. You can't take better care of yourself and end up in WORSE shape."

Its very difficult to eat right, workout, and not get in better shape than not tracking your food or working out. I'll go ahead and say its impossible. But it is very easy to out-eat your workouts and gain weight while working out if you're not tracking your food.


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> She did ask the same question. She said, "But what if I work out and eat right and don't get back to 130 (lbs)?" to which I replied, "Hon, you were a size two when you weren't eating right or working out. If you're working out and eating right you're GOING to be in better shape. You can't take better care of yourself and end up in WORSE shape."


She's afraid. She's afraid you'll reject her. And those fears are associated with her weight, so whether she does something positive or not, whenever she thinks of her weight she feels afraid. Therefore, she avoids anything related to weight, including weight-loss. She probably married you partly because she has a strong need for a sense of safety and protection. You're a fit soldier, after all. And now she feels that you'll abandon her if she doesn't measure up (no pun intended). 

You need to make her feel safe in your relationship. Once the safety is firmly established, just take charge and make plans--"Hey, honey, today we're going to go for a hike!" 

Stop trying to reason with her, because it's not going to get either of you anywhere. Just work at the emotional level. Be her protector, then be her leader, and watch what happens.


----------



## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

hqusafa said:


> To me, it feels like a rejection.


I do not really see the logic here. 

Neither of you seem to be too interested in changing for the other.

(although it seems that she is making some effort)


----------



## NoHappyEnding (Aug 20, 2013)

Once you gain weight (from fat), you never loose those fat cells (your body will create more fat cells when needed, but you never loose them without surgery). Allowing your body to gain a large amount of weight is devastating to your body and it's going to affect that person for the rest of their life. 

She can definitely get back down to her old weight, but it will always be more work for her to maintain that weight than someone who is naturally that weight.

I only post that because this needs to be a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. I hope she realizes that she will need to be mindful of her diet & exercise behaviours for the rest of her life. Although it's much easier to maintain than to loose weight, so it's not that difficult once you understand how nutrition and exercise effects the body.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I guess you are seeing something I do not.
> 
> I mean this thread is like 14 pages of discussion on the topic I do not see any difficulty in discussing the issue.


I guess you missed hysterical posts like this one on the first page.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

MSP said:


> She's afraid. She's afraid you'll reject her. And those fears are associated with her weight, so whether she does something positive or not, whenever she thinks of her weight she feels afraid. Therefore, she avoids anything related to weight, including weight-loss. She probably married you partly because she has a strong need for a sense of safety and protection. You're a fit soldier, after all. And now she feels that you'll abandon her if she doesn't measure up (no pun intended).
> 
> You need to make her feel safe in your relationship. Once the safety is firmly established, just take charge and make plans--"Hey, honey, today we're going to go for a hike!"
> 
> Stop trying to reason with her, because it's not going to get either of you anywhere. Just work at the emotional level. Be her protector, then be her leader, and watch what happens.


This makes a lot of sense. Really, a LOT of sense. Haven't thought about it from this point of view.

Time to buy some tennis rackets since our apartment complex has courts.

HQ


----------



## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Forest is right



Forest said:


> I'm always flummoxed at how difficult it is to discuss weight problems and obesity. It is at a crisis level, yet to bring it up is being shallow and unreasonable.
> 
> It spouses were refusing to pay attention to dental hygiene, bathing, grooming, hair, etc that would be a red flag, unacceptable, thoughtless misstep.
> 
> I would never allow myself to pack on 40-50 pounds of fat. That is just inconsiderate to your spouse. Its selfish, and defeatist, if anything.


----------



## WellyVamp (Apr 26, 2013)

NoHappyEnding said:


> Once you gain weight (from fat), you never loose those fat cells (your body will create more fat cells when needed, but you never loose them without surgery). Allowing your body to gain a large amount of weight is devastating to your body and it's going to affect that person for the rest of their life.
> 
> She can definitely get back down to her old weight, but it will always be more work for her to maintain that weight than someone who is naturally that weight.
> 
> I only post that because this needs to be a lifestyle change, not a quick fix. I hope she realizes that she will need to be mindful of her diet & exercise behaviours for the rest of her life. Although it's much easier to maintain than to loose weight, so it's not that difficult once you understand how nutrition and exercise effects the body.


You can definitely lose weight and keep it off. I was always the chubby kid who ate the same as others, but was always bigger, and ended up obese as a teenager. I lost weight to the point where people didn't recognise me! Men started hitting on me all the time, what more of an incentive to stay slim, not that I'm vain. 

Naturally chubby people, or those who have been obese will always have to constantly police themselves around food and exercise like a crazy mofo. The fact that all the most pleasurable things in life happen to be the things we want to induldge in doesn't help. Let's face it, if icecream and cakes weren't bad for you and didn't make you fat, who would choose to eat broccoli or have a piece of fruit instead? 

I got into seriously overeating at one point. Some people have addictive personalities. If that's the case, it's better to just abstain. For some there is no having one small slice of cake, one glass of wine or the occasional cheeky cigarette. It's all or nothing. Moderation is just deeply depressing!


----------



## scientia (Aug 27, 2012)

hqusafa said:


> We tried running around the track on base, but she was frustrated that she could only run about 1/10 of a mile before getting really tired and winded, and would just complain over and over again about how much it hurt her throat or hips or legs. I told her, "Working out WILL hurt, but it'll get easier the more you do it. And you'll be able to run further and further". But that was short-lived.


I've read this and find it rather unbelievable. I don't think you realize how much of a jerk you seem to be. Judging her running against yours is insane. So, I'm not surprised that she gave up. I think she needs support and encouragement from you rather than the judgement. I think walking would be the best thing. And, I can already hear you whining that you wouldn't get enough of a workout if you only walk. What you need to do is wear a backpack with enough weight so that it is a workout for you and the two of you are more evenly matched. That way, you can walk with her and she won't feel completely outclassed. In fact, you could even tell her that you need her encouragement.


----------



## hqusafa (Dec 29, 2011)

Three years later, no changes. Really depressed right now, although she swears that she now has it right and will make progress (despite still not having ever used myfitnesspal or another calorie tracker due to it being go overwhelming).

Can't sleep. figured you'd like another update. 

I'm still where i was physically (5'4", 170 lbs) am looking at a strong consideration for promotion this year, received my associates and am continuing to my bachelors. Hit a personal goal two years ago with a total lift of over 1170 lbs at a powerlifting competition (here's hoping for 1200 lb club next year), still getting 270+ each pt test.

She's still where she was physically since about 2012 around 158 (we've kept records of weighf for the past two to three months and it's consistently around 158), working part time for the past year, and is using my gi bill for a degree with full sail (appx six months in)

The original point of stress for us still exists. Don't know what to do. Head hurts. I just wish this issue had been behind us years ago.

HQ


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Don't know what to do? How about owning your. Choice to stay when you know she won't change? And then stop complaining about your choices. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

MSP said:


> She's afraid. She's afraid you'll reject her. And those fears are associated with her weight, so whether she does something positive or not, whenever she thinks of her weight she feels afraid. Therefore, she avoids anything related to weight, including weight-loss. She probably married you partly because she has a strong need for a sense of safety and protection. You're a fit soldier, after all. And now she feels that you'll abandon her if she doesn't measure up (no pun intended).
> 
> *You need to make her feel safe in your relationship. Once the safety is firmly established, just take charge and make plans--"Hey, honey, today we're going to go for a hike!"
> 
> Stop trying to reason with her, because it's not going to get either of you anywhere. Just work at the emotional level. Be her protector, then be her leader, and watch what happens*.


This sounds like good advice, OP. 

Did you try it? How did it work out?


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

Happy marriages motivate a willingness to change and be the best you can be. If someone is unhappy with life or with their spouse, its like 'why bother'.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Three years later and you're still relying on someone else to change when it's you that must initiate change. Or, accept the fate you've allowed for yourself.


----------



## Happykat (Mar 29, 2016)

Haa she tried zumba? Dancing is fun.


----------

