# Dilemma ?



## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

I wasn't sure where to post this question but as i'm actually separated from my wife and most of my posts have been in this section i thought i would place it here.

My wife cheated on me and left me for another man who she is now living with. This man is a self employed electrician and i have it on very good authority ie his brother and his sister in law that he doesn't declare all of his earnings and does a lot of work cash in hand to avoid paying income tax.

In the past i would never dream of reporting someone to the authorities however this man has caused me so much heart ache and pain that i am really tempted to contact the authorities and pass on his details so that they can investigate him as i now have his full address.

So here is the question, would you report him to the authorities (inland revenue) or just keep quiet ?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What you have is hearsay, not proof that someone in authority could examine. 

Let's talk about something else. The best revenge is living the best life.

Why are you letting the thoughts of them hinder you from the life you deserve? Hinder you from moving on to a better life?


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

anchorwatch said:


> What you have is hearsay, not proof that someone in authority could examine.
> 
> Let's talk about something else. Why are you letting the thoughts of them hinder you from the life you deserve?


It's not hearsay I can assure you, my life is over as far as I'm concerned, I can't physically hurt the man as I know that they will involve the police and as far as I'm concerned it's not right that my 30 year marriage is over and they're swanning around enjoying life while my children and I suffer.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> I wasn't sure where to post this question but as i'm actually separated from my wife and most of my posts have been in this section i thought i would place it here.
> My wife cheated on me and left me for another man who she is now living with. This man is a self employed electrician and i have it on very good authority ie his brother and his sister in law that he doesn't declare all of his earnings and does a lot of work cash in hand to avoid paying income tax.
> In the past i would never dream of reporting someone to the authorities however this man has caused me so much heart ache and pain that i am really tempted to contact the authorities and pass on his details so that they can investigate him as i now have his full address.
> So here is the question, would you report him to the authorities (inland revenue) or just keep quiet ?


I'm going to give you the best advice I can having gone through similar in my own life. Stop focusing your energy (good or bad) on your STBX wife or her boyfriend. The more you focus on them, the less you have to focus on you. 

I promise you, you will feel so free when the only feeling/thought you can muster after hearing gossip about your STBX wife and her AP is "I don't really give a flying ****". But the only way to get there is to practice ignoring them. 

You have to find ways to remove them from your mental space. By contacting the authorities you're only extending your own misery. 

Rule #1 - DO NOT do anything which focuses your energy onto them. 

Rule #2 - DO NOT do anything that has a potential to involve them in your life.

Only focus on yourself. Do not make them a priority.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You didn't hear anything. You're hurt. Your life is far from over.

You've been knockdown. Stand up and dust yourself off.

You need to concentrate on making a better world for yourself and your children, not those two who could care less. Stop the pain shopping. It only retards your progress.

Consider, years from now, how you want to look back at this situation and how you handled it. Did you poison your life with hate or did you stand up move forward for the better? 

Remember your children are watching.


Best


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Lila said:


> I'm going to give you the best advice I can having gone through similar in my own life. Stop focusing your energy (good or bad) on your STBX wife or her boyfriend. The more you focus on them, the less you have to focus on you.
> 
> I promise you, you will feel so free when the only feeling/thought you can muster after hearing gossip about your STBX wife and her AP is "I don't really give a flying ****". But the only way to get there is to practice ignoring them.
> 
> ...


I know that you and anchorman are both right but it's easier said than done.
I have spent a lifetime with this woman and given her the best years of my life, its been 5 months now and I still broke down in tears today and I've never felt so alone in my life.


anchorwatch said:


> You didn't hear anything. You're hurt. Your life is far from over.
> 
> You've been knockdown. Stand up and dust yourself off.
> 
> ...


Years ago he actually did work for us cash in hand so it's not hearsay it's a fact just for the record.
I can't just let it go and be walked over and treated like a fool, the only way I'm going to get some kind of closure is to make him regret going behind my back either financially or physically.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Anchorwatch please except my apologies I came across rude with my reply to you and it was uncalled for as I know that your trying to help...I'm sorry for being rude.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want revenge on the OM when it’s really your wife who’s at fault. For what it’s worth, my marriage was much longer than yours when it crashed and burned. Not for a moment did I actually consider getting even with the OW. It was my cheating husband who destroyed our marriage. Just like your cheating wife did. But obviously you’re going to do what you’re going to do (why even ask the question if your mind‘s already made up).


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

No offense was taken. You are hurt and in an emotional state. It will take time before you heal. We understand that we are all different individuals and all heal in our own time. We are only trying to show you the path to that healing. 

You know you are the better man. Don't lose yourself in this dilemma. Let your children see you as the lighthouse, Living as best you can. Let your daughter see you that way too. A light to come to.

Best


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Have you filed for D?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Have you exposed what your wife and this POSOM are doing? Do your kids know? If they are old enough, they should. Your friends should know.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Openminded said:


> You want revenge on the OM when it’s really your wife who’s at fault. For what it’s worth, my marriage was much longer than yours when it crashed and burned. Not for a moment did I actually consider getting even with the OW. It was my cheating husband who destroyed our marriage. Just like your cheating wife did. But obviously you’re going to do what you’re going to do (why even ask the question if your mind‘s already made up).


If the other man was someone who I didn't know then I wouldn't be so angry with him but it's my best friend's older brother who I hadn't seen in years.
Obviously my wife is to blame which is another reason I'm tempted to inform on him for tax evasion as it will effect her too ultimately.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

For what its worth, I understand the way you feel and agree with you doing what you have said you would like to do. For all the reasons listed and more. Firstly, I would destroy the MF in any way I could. He did work in your home for you so he knew you were a couple but still continued. Next, as you said, reporting him would affect your scummy wayward wife and I am one that believes in consequences and repercussions. Finally, it might help the local economy if he actually paid some tax!!!


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> For what its worth, I understand the way you feel and agree with you doing what you have said you would like to do. For all the reasons listed and more. Firstly, I would destroy the MF in any way I could. He did work in your home for you so he knew you were a couple but still continued. Next, as you said, reporting him would affect your scummy wayward wife and I am one that believes in consequences and repercussions. Finally, it might help the local economy if he actually paid some tax!!!


As I said it's not something I would usually do but this would allow me to cause some pain and hardship to the two people who have destroyed my family and everything I've worked for, plus if everyone else pays tax why should he get away with not paying it.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I know that you and anchorman are both right but it's easier said than done.
> I have spent a lifetime with this woman and given her the best years of my life, its been 5 months now and I still broke down in tears today and I've never felt so alone in my life.
> 
> Years ago he actually did work for us cash in hand so it's not hearsay it's a fact just for the record.
> I can't just let it go and be walked over and treated like a fool, the only way I'm going to get some kind of closure is to make him regret going behind my back either financially or physically.


You are grieving, but revenge will get you nowhere. When a person is angry and hurt, it’s normal to have thoughts of inflicting that pain onto someone else and to think that it will make one feel better. The definition of grief is to experience unwanted change. This is obviously an life change that was not wanted and has caused a loss in your life and marriage and what you hoped for. I would encourage you to allow yourself to go through the grieving process in a way that allows you to maintain your integrity. Sadly your wife made the decision to leave, not you. Show your children love and compassion during this difficult time and reach to give them the best legacy you can leave them with. How do what them to remember you? We all make mistakes and have regrets. But today and every other day is a new day. Trust and have faith.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Please, don't do it.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> As I said it's not something I would usually do but this would allow me to cause some pain and hardship to the two people who have destroyed my family and everything I've worked for, plus if everyone else pays tax why should he get away with not paying it.


How will you feel when you report him and nothing happens? Because that is what will happen - nothing. You think almost every contractor in the world doesn’t do this on some level? After you play this card and nothing happens I think you will feel more hurt, more angry, more victimized. That sense of injustice from what you are going through can be overwhelming but I would suggest you don’t add to it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Mr Sad said:


> So here is the question, would you report him to the authorities (inland revenue) or just keep quiet ?


Serve that dish cold. IE. put that tidbit of info in your back pocket and save it for the proper time.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> You are grieving, but revenge will get you nowhere. When a person is angry and hurt, it’s normal to have thoughts of inflicting that pain onto someone else and to think that it will make one feel better. The definition of grief is to experience unwanted change. This is obviously an life change that was not wanted and has caused a loss in your life and marriage and what you hoped for. I would encourage you to allow yourself to go through the grieving process in a way that allows you to maintain your integrity. Sadly your wife made the decision to leave, not you. Show your children love and compassion during this difficult time and reach to give them the best legacy you can leave them with. How do what them to remember you? We all make mistakes and have regrets. But today and every other day is a new day. Trust and have faith.


I understand where your coming from however from another perspective he is breaking the law by not paying his taxes like everyone else has to....after all it is tax evasion no matter how you look at it.


Laurentium said:


> Please, don't do it.


What valid reason do you have for not reporting him for breaking the law ?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> I know that you and anchorman are both right but it's easier said than done.
> I have spent a lifetime with this woman and given her the best years of my life, its been 5 months now and I still broke down in tears today and I've never felt so alone in my life.


I spent 23 years with my ex. Trust me, I know how you feel because I felt the same way myself. 

You're only 5 months out from your world, as you knew it, imploding. Your anger is a normal part of the grief process (denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance) but the key to getting through the process is to not get stuck in any one stage. 

Too many stuck in anger and can never move on with their lives. They become bitter and tend to alienate those around them. 

You have to be strong for your children. They are going through those stages as well. They need YOU to help them through it. You may believe your life is over but theirs is just starting. Do you want them becoming bitter people who alienate others? Yes, it hurts. Yes, it's difficult. But you HAVE TO lead by example. Keep focusing on the positive and stop focusing on the negative.



> Years ago he actually did work for us cash in hand so it's not hearsay it's a fact just for the record.
> I can't just let it go and be walked over and treated like a fool, the only way I'm going to get some kind of closure is to make him regret going behind my back either financially or physically.


This sounds like it's going to turn into a he said/he said which is impossible to litigate. Also it's going to cost the government more money to investigate than what your StBXW AP would have owed in unreported income. Cost benefit analysis says you're not going to see anything come of reporting him. How would that make you feel?


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I understand where your coming from however from another perspective he is breaking the law by not paying his taxes like everyone else has to....after all it is tax evasion no matter how you look at it.
> 
> What valid reason do you have for not reporting him for breaking the law ?


I see what your saying that his actions might go beyond your own feelings of betrayal. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Sounds like honesty and transparency is important to you. And good for you to hold onto what you value...it’s the complete opposite of your experience with what has happened in your marriage....dishonesty and lack of integrity. I am a firm believer though that when a person repeats the same behaviour and actions it usually always bites them in the back side at some point in time. But I don’t think that your job to do. What good comes out of it? Just my two cents.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> I see what your saying that his actions might go beyond your own feelings of betrayal. What’s right is right and what’s wrong is wrong. Sounds like honesty and transparency is important to you. And good for you to hold onto what you value...it’s the complete opposite of your experience with what has happened in your marriage....dishonesty and lack of integrity. I am a firm believer though that when a person repeats the same behaviour and actions it usually always bites them in the back side at some point in time. But I don’t think that your job to do. What good comes out of it? Just my two cents.


People often say what goes around comes around and talk about Karma etc, however my own experience is that if you want karma you have to give things a nudge.
My step dad used to beat my mother up, he cheated on her and left her for another woman and my mom became alcoholic and died at an early age after living a totally miserable life after he left her. My step dad however is alive and well enjoying life where is the karma in that.

This is an opportunity that has come my way ie karma has seen fit to let me know he doesn't pay his taxes and it has given me the chance to get some form of payback as far as i can see or i can leave it and let him enjoy the rest of his life with my wife whilst my life and family has been destroyed.

At the end of the day my wife betrayed me and she did so with my best friends older brother so to say i'm angry is an understatement i'm absolutely furious. There is a free phone hotline number i can ring and report him on anonymously, if he gets away with it then it hasn't cost me anything and if he gets into trouble it will cause both him and my cheating wife a lot of grief so as far as i can see it's win win.
If i could think of one good reason to not say anything and let him continue to break the law whilst both my youngest daughter and myself are on antidepressants and suffering i would but i haven't read anything yet to make me think that they don't deserve their comeuppance for what they have done.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> I understand where your coming from however from another perspective he is breaking the law by not paying his taxes like everyone else has to....after all it is tax evasion no matter how you look at it.
> 
> What valid reason do you have for not reporting him for breaking the law ?


Because this is not about him breaking a law. You knew about it all along and it did not bother you before.
You are hurting and want the pain to stop. You are looking for something to stop the pain. Do you really think you stop hurting after making that phone call? You’ll be euforious for few minutes and then big disappointment.
You have to live through the pain, and work on yourself. Find peace and stability in youself, that’s the best revenge.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Because this is not about him breaking a law. You knew about it all along and it did not bother you before.
> You are hurting and want the pain to stop. You are looking for something to stop the pain. Do you really think you stop hurting after making that phone call? You’ll be euforious for few minutes and then big disappointment.
> You have to live through the pain, and work on yourself. Find peace and stability in youself, that’s the best revenge.


Actually I hadn't seen him in years and later found out he had been going into the store where my wife works.
I only found out the road where he lived when the courts put a restraining order on me and only found out the house number last lastnight.
I know I have to live through the pain and know its going to take me years to get over it.
I also know that once I have contacted the inland revenue that I won't feel any better, however I won't feel any worse either but there's a great possibility that they will.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What drove the filing of a restraining order?


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> What drove the filing of a restraining order?


It's easier for me to post a link which explains my situation

talkaboutmarriage.com/threads/my-story-in-brief.439397/#post-20089143


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I see... read your link.

Think about how you are looking at Karma, it is never set on anyone's schedule, and it is not someone's to weaponize should the nudge flashover back on you as it assuredly will.

You can hope for a bit... that seems done though so why are you giving these people so much power over your happiness? 

You are pushing yourself out of your own life... stop making room for others who have hurt you and reserve some space so you can compassionately care for those who matter most in your life.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I know that you and anchorman are both right but it's easier said than done.
> I have spent a lifetime with this woman and given her the best years of my life, its been 5 months now and I still broke down in tears today and I've never felt so alone in my life.
> 
> Years ago he actually did work for us cash in hand so it's not hearsay it's a fact just for the record.
> I can't just let it go and be walked over and treated like a fool, the only way I'm going to get some kind of closure is to make him regret going behind my back either financially or physically.


That’s your pride and ego talking.


Mr Sad said:


> People often say what goes around comes around and talk about Karma etc, however my own experience is that if you want karma you have to give things a nudge.
> My step dad used to beat my mother up, he cheated on her and left her for another woman and my mom became alcoholic and died at an early age after living a totally miserable life after he left her. My step dad however is alive and well enjoying life where is the karma in that.
> 
> This is an opportunity that has come my way ie karma has seen fit to let me know he doesn't pay his taxes and it has given me the chance to get some form of payback as far as i can see or i can leave it and let him enjoy the rest of his life with my wife whilst my life and family has been destroyed.
> ...


I am sorry for what you have endured with the loss of your mom at such a young age. I can’t imagine what kind of impact this caused you. I don’t blame for being furious and wanting to get back to both of them. Betrayal causes so much pain. I don’t think anyone is hear to tell you what to do or not do...ultimately it’s your decision and choice. But I do believe that this forum can also provide other opportunities to consider other opportunities to reflect.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> I see... read your link.
> 
> Think about how you are looking at Karma, it is never set on anyone's schedule, and it is not someone's to weaponize should the nudge flashover back on you as it assuredly will.
> 
> ...


I don't understand how it can flashback on me please explain?

I don't believe in karma or any of that nonsense as I already explained the situation with my vile step dad.My marriage is already over, he's breaking the law whilst I'm paying my taxes.
I don't even have to give my name when I contact the inland revenue so it's impossible for me to be any worse off than I already am.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I don't understand how it can flashback on me please explain?
> 
> I don't believe in karma or any of that nonsense as I already explained the situation with my vile step dad.My marriage is already over, he's breaking the law whilst I'm paying my taxes.
> I don't even have to give my name when I contact the inland revenue so it's impossible for me to be any worse off than I already am.


You have a choice on how you will react to things. Be bitter or better? We live what we learn...don’t allow history repeat itself. You want vindication....well I believe that vindication belongs to God and God alone. You are worthy of love and peace.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr Sad said:


> I don't understand how it can flashback on me please explain?
> 
> I don't believe in karma or any of that nonsense as I already explained the situation with my vile step dad.My marriage is already over, he's breaking the law whilst I'm paying my taxes.
> I don't even have to give my name when I contact the inland revenue so it's impossible for me to be any worse off than I already am.


In your own bitterness, vengeance hardens the heart, it doesn't free it.

That is karma in itself...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Mr Sad,

I am going to paraphrase here, so it may not be perfectly factual, but I'm trying to communicate a CONCEPT and not a timeline. 

You were married for 30+ years. You loved your wife and don't really want to divorce. Yet SHE committed adultery, and she most definitely does want to divorce. Thus, life is happening TO YOU that is not what you want. You have been hurt...deeply. And in a very human way, you want them to hurt like you do. Honestly I think that is a fairly typical, very human reaction. 

But here's the thing: so far you have been moving through this making choices that are harmful to you, I think using your wounded heart as your guide rather than listening to wise counsel. 

You were shocked that she cheated and "wanted answers" so you went to her place of work...and yet had you asked someone you trust, who's wise and whom you respect, if "going to her place of work" was a smart idea, you would have probably been told "no." At her place of work, you were loud, or maybe yelled, or created some sort of scene so that others were called (you said something like "two men escorted..." and "she knew that would wind you up...")...and yet had you asked someone you trust, who's wise and whom you respect, if "causing a scene at her work" was a smart idea, you would have probably been told "no." After causing the scene you grabbed her by the lapel (by your own admission) because you were getting wound up...yet had you asked someone you trust, who's wise and whom you respect, if "laying hands on a spouse in the workplace" was a smart idea, you would have probably been told "no." And after laying hands on her in public, by your own admission you put your hands around her throat and pulled her by the hair in front of others!!!...yet had you asked someone you trust, who's wise and whom you respect, if "going to her place of work" was a smart idea, you would have probably been told "no." 

So you tend to act out based on the hurt in your heart, claiming you "can't control yourself." Well, @Mr Sad you are a grown man and a grown adult. You CAN control yourself! If something is bad for you and it's going to do you more harm than good, you CAN stop yourself. In fact, the only person you can control IS YOU! Yet you persist in doing what you know is going to be harmful, because "you hurt" and you want them to hurt too. 

Here is my BEST, most compassionate advise for you, as someone who has been there and done that. Please DO NOT report this. It will not result in them hurting or being as unhappy as you, and it will also not resut in you hurting less or feeling happier! If you do report it, what is most likely to happen is that somehow, some way, someone will figure out it was you and the report will be dismissed as the disgruntled husband, who already has a restraining order, medaling in their lives. They will UNITE to fight against you, the taxation folks will dismiss the report because it's just a disenfranchised "EX-HUSBAND", and to the courts and the rest of the world, you will look like a potentially criminal but definitely abusive and controlling man whom she is lucky to escape!

If you really want to recover from this, please stop focusing on "THEM" and start focusing on "YOU" and your life, and your future, and how you are going to grow. You already have one strike against you (a permanent restraining order)--if you get another one, you could be putting yourself into criminal harm territory. How will that "help" your child? Please, I implore you--forget them and look for a Divorce Recovery group, counseling, or some other support system that is all about you becoming a better human being. You focus on YOU--put them and what becomes of them out of your mind.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Bobbyjo said:


> You have a choice on how you will react to things. Be bitter or better? We live what we learn...don’t allow history repeat itself. You want vindication....well I believe that vindication belongs to God and God alone. You are worthy of love and peace.


I don't wish to belittle anyone's beliefs, my mom used to always tell me that god pays his debts back in other ways especially after how my step dad treated her but as mentioned she had already passed away before my age and yet my step dad who beat her up and cheated on her is alive and well.
As such I'm personally not a religious man what so ever, I'm now left with massive trust issues with everyone.
My situation is no different to others on here but I am in a situation where I'm past my sell by date, the only real people I have are two of my children and my aunt. I don't have any other family who I can turn to and as I've come to realise I don't have any real friends.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Affaircare said:


> @Mr Sad,
> 
> I am going to paraphrase here, so it may not be perfectly factual, but I'm trying to communicate a CONCEPT and not a timeline.
> 
> ...


I'm actually getting counselling at the moment through my work which if I'm honest is proving to be a waste of time.
People tell me all the time to just move on, concentrate on yourself etc but that is much easier said than done, I really believe I would have more of a social life in prison than I do now.
I just can't get my head around what has happened, I'm not religious and I've become a very insecure person, the person I trusted the most in the world and spent a lifetime with has treated me like dirt and humiliated me. To make it worse she did it with my best friends brother.

You say it will be thrown out and dismissed on the grounds of me being a bitter husband but how is that possible when I'll be making the report anonymously ?


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> In your own bitterness, vengeance hardens the heart, it doesn't free it.
> 
> That is karma in itself...


My heart has already been hardened and I am very bitter who wouldn't be in this situation, everything I've worked for has now gone, my best years are behind me and I have no real future to speak of so karma has already done its worst to me.
Here's what I've learned from this experience. 
The only person you can trust is yourself.

Promises mean nothing.
Do what you want to who you want as there are no consequences.

People are very false and usually have hidden agendas and will use you given half the chance.

Finally always put yourself first because when you put others above yourself you get treated like dirt by others especially the people you least expect it from.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I don't wish to belittle anyone's beliefs, my mom used to always tell me that god pays his debts back in other ways especially after how my step dad treated her but as mentioned she had already passed away before my age and yet my step dad who beat her up and cheated on her is alive and well.
> As such I'm personally not a religious man what so ever, I'm now left with massive trust issues with everyone.
> My situation is no different to others on here but I am in a situation where I'm past my sell by date, the only real people I have are two of my children and my aunt. I don't have any other family who I can turn to and as I've come to realise I don't have any real friends.


I don’t doubt for one minute that you feel like you can’t trust anyone. Some of your life experiences have taught you that. My heart goes out to you. It may not feel like it now, and you will continue to have wavering moments of anger, hurt, sadness etc...but it will pass. You may believe that you’re step father is doing well, but what you see on the outside is never what is going on behind closed doors. Everyone on this earth never live an entire life without hurt, pain and disappointments. Sometimes the best revenge is to show them that you are moving forward and not concerning yourself with what they do...because they are no longer your concern. I encourage you to do as Affaicare said and seek support with others who are going through the same thing as you. Love and peace to you.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

People do not usually become as bitter and vengeful as you are over night, or even over spousal betrayal. I have a suspicion this has been your lifelong treat and might be partially reason why she checked out of this marriage.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Thanks to everyone for your input and your support I really don't deserve it.
The truth is I'm obviously not a very nice person and karma has caught up with me and given me what I deserve.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> People do not usually become as bitter and vengeful as you are over night, or even over spousal betrayal. I have a suspicion this has been your lifelong treat and might be partially reason why she checked out of this marriage.


I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect however when your partner tells you that she loves you every day and tells others including yourself that your marriage is rock solid it's very hard to change if your not told there is a problem, obviously I'm not the person I thought I was and obviously neither was my wife's previous partner who she cheated on with me many years ago and heaven forbid it be the woman's fault in anyway.
When she met my best friends brother in a hotel to have unprotected sex while I was at work followed by snuggling up to me that same night telling me that she loved me I must have really deserved it after all I'm that dumb that I didn't even know my own bank card number until the day she left me when i asked for my card back and asked her for the number.
Rest assured I'm sure paying the price now for all my faults.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Good luck to you, because you really need it.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

On that I agree


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> People do not usually become as bitter and vengeful as you are over night, or even over spousal betrayal. I have a suspicion this has been your lifelong treat and might be partially reason why she checked out of this marriage.


Sorry i missed the part where you said people don't become bitter overnight even after a spouse cheats on you....you must be living on another planet if that's what you believe and i'm shocked that you would even say that to someone who you don't know which in turn speaks volumes about you also as a person.


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## Bobbyjo (May 3, 2020)

Mr Sad said:


> I'm the first to admit I'm not perfect however when your partner tells you that she loves you every day and tells others including yourself that your marriage is rock solid it's very hard to change if your not told there is a problem, obviously I'm not the person I thought I was and obviously neither was my wife's previous partner who she cheated on with me many years ago and heaven forbid it be the woman's fault in anyway.
> When she met my best friends brother in a hotel to have unprotected sex while I was at work followed by snuggling up to me that same night telling me that she loved me I must have really deserved it after all I'm that dumb that I didn't even know my own bank card number until the day she left me when i asked for my card back and asked her for the number.
> Rest assured I'm sure paying the price now for all my faults.


No one is perfect. Good of you to take this opportunity and be honest with yourself. Life is full of lessons. Doesn’t mean your a bad person. Life is always changing and provides chances to make choices to do right with a spirit of love, forgiveness and peace. Blessings to you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Listen mate, I am totally with you on this. Whoever is saying that this will harm you in anyway doesn't fully understand the nature of this beast. Report him and let him face as much discomfort as you can inflict. Nothing wrong with that at all. I agree with you on the subject of Karma. This is a western misunderstanding of what the true Hindu and Buddhist definition is and also something that I, for one, do not wait around for. Both your wife and this [email protected] have behaved really badly and deserve everything that you can throw at them - as long as you do not get yourself into any trouble (then it is not worth it). Go ahead and report him - also if he is on any trade sites, expose him there and give him terrible ratings for his behaviour. Hurt him in the purse where it truly hurts such people.

At the worst it won't have any effect - at the best it WILL make you feel better.

I do not agree (and do not understand) some of the advice being given to you here. Good luck.


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## Frithy (May 6, 2020)

Yeah, you can't physically hurt him without yourself suffering consequences. That's the reality of the world we live in. 

I bet you have friends that this man nor your wife have ever met. Maybe you can ask them for their advice.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Frithy said:


> Yeah, you can't physically hurt him without yourself suffering consequences. That's the reality of the world we live in.
> 
> I bet you have friends that this man nor your wife have ever met. Maybe you can ask them for their advice.


Thanks I might just do that.
Some people on here have mentioned that I'm vindictive and angry etc for wanting to punish the two people who have turned my world upside down after 30 years of marriage, i have to agree with them that I am all of these things as that's what infidelity does to a person who has been faithful throughout their marriage only to be cheated on and lied to by the person you trusted more than anyone in the world.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

I'm with you brother. Believe me, had your situation happened to me, I would be wanting some payback. I love "burn the ***" stories where the WW's world gets burned down. However, the best thing I have found to help in unbelievable circumstance is to turn to the scriptures. I don't know if you are a believer, but I'll share this with you from Romans 12. "17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[ to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> I'm with you brother. Believe me, had your situation happened to me, I would be wanting some payback. I love "burn the ***" stories where the WW's world gets burned down. However, the best thing I have found to help in unbelievable circumstance is to turn to the scriptures. I don't know if you are a believer, but I'll share this with you from Romans 12. "17 Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all. 18 If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. 19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it[ to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.


Which, of course, means that, in the quite likely event that the "Lord" doesn't exist those who deserve retribution will get away scot-free.

My, creation-in-six-consecutive-periods-of-twenty-four-hours, believing mother had a saying that I fully agreed with, albeit I took the words to mean something other than her interpretation. "God helps those who help themselves".

Over the last seventy years I have come to the incontrovertible awareness that he doesn't complain if we help him extract a little justice.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

cp3o said:


> Which, of course, means that, in the quite likely event that the "Lord" doesn't exist those who deserve retribution will get away scot-free.
> 
> My, creation-in-six-consecutive-periods-of-twenty-four-hours, believing mother had a saying that I fully agreed with, albeit I took the words to mean something other than her interpretation. "God helps those who help themselves".
> 
> Over the last seventy years I have come to the incontrovertible awareness that he doesn't complain if we help him extract a little justice.


those are my thoughts exactly


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

The majority of advice here is contradictory. When a husband finds out his wife is cheating at work many recommend telling HHRR since they are violating workplace dating policy and expose to family and friends. But you finding out he's not paying taxes and wanting to report him is somehow different. I see no difference. They are cheaters and they need to be exposed. 

You found he's not paying taxes. He's lying to the IRS. I would call the anonymous line and tell them what's going on. What do you have to lose?

I would make sure they start an investigation though.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

cp3o said:


> Which, of course, means that, in the quite likely event that the "Lord" doesn't exist those who deserve retribution will get away scot-free.
> 
> My, creation-in-six-consecutive-periods-of-twenty-four-hours, believing mother had a saying that I fully agreed with, albeit I took the words to mean something other than her interpretation. "God helps those who help themselves".
> 
> Over the last seventy years I have come to the incontrovertible awareness that he doesn't complain if we help him extract a little justice.


Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

Diceplayer said:


> Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. Proverbs 3:5


Been there - thought that nomadic iron-age goat-herders knew it all

Went to school and got the taste for reason and evidence

Found reason and evidence-based logic worked better (and made more sense) than superstitious belief.

I have no need of any hypothesis which is unsupported by dependable evidence, is rationally invalid, relies on superstitious belief, is unnecessary and serves no purpose other than to bolster the power and wealth of a few at the expense of the misled majority. 

I'd be happy to get more specific but this is not the place to do so. If you open a conversation in the Religion section I will happily engage with you there.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

cp3o said:


> I'd be happy to get more specific but this is not the place to do so. If you open a conversation in the Religion section I will happily engage with you there.


Nah, that's okay. You have your mind made up as do I so there would be no point to it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Mr Sad said:


> Sorry i missed the part where you said people don't become bitter overnight even after a spouse cheats on you....you must be living on another planet if that's what you believe and i'm shocked that you would even say that to someone who you don't know which in turn speaks volumes about you also as a person.


oh no. people will be hurt, angry, mad, furious. But you are much more focused on them than you, and not listenning to any of the good advice here. 
Hatred is like drinking a poison, and expecting someone else to die from it. Guess what? they will be fine. It is you who will be suffering because you are not doing anything to get them out of your life for good.


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## Mr Sad (Feb 18, 2020)

Diceplayer said:


> Nah, that's okay. You have your mind made up as do I so there would be no point to it.


If you read all the replies


WandaJ said:


> oh no. people will be hurt, angry, mad, furious. But you are much more focused on them than you, and not listenning to any of the good advice here.
> Hatred is like drinking a poison, and expecting someone else to die from it. Guess what? they will be fine. It is you who will be suffering because you are not doing anything to get them out of your life for good.


If you look at all the replies you will see others have said that they would feel and act the same in my position.

I'm the first to admit i haven't been perfect but i'm certainly not the monster that you have implied.

I provided a link on this thread that gives some of my background but for the record rather than beat my wife up, deny her house keeping money etc, i took her on all inclusive holidays abroad, we went to music concerts and the cinema on a regular basis,i brought her breakfast in bed every weekend, she had full access to my cash through out our marriage.

At the end of the day she cheated on her partner when she got together with me however we were kids back then, there wasn't any children involved, they weren't married and because of how we got together she promised me none stop through out our marriage that she would never do that to me let alone do it with my best friends brother.The saying is obviously true once a cheat always a cheat.

As a result you are correct i am bitter and i am having major trouble getting over the past as we were married for 30 years and living together before that so of course i'm bitter and very angry in fact i'm furious which she knew i would be.

Having listened to the replies and rightly or wrongly i will be reporting this low life to the inland revenue as i want some form of payback if possible. I know deep down that one day i will come face to face with this person even if it's years from now and when that day comes i will be unleashing all my fury on this man as he knew me and yet still went with my wife behind my back and it's time that he realises for every action there is a reaction and as another member correctly pointed out god helps them that help themselves.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Nobody said that they would do the same. Feel, yes. Do the same, making that phone call, everybody said this is not good idea.
Focus on yourself. Do not let these people live in your head. It is normal to feel anger, and fury, and hurt, but after a while you need to start climbing your way out of that hole. Climb up, and then you will not care about them at all. it will take time and work, yes. But for now you reject even the idea of doing that work. maybe it is too fresh for you, maybe you need more time. My worry is that it feels like you may stay in that stage for long time, way longer than you should,.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Just to confirm that it is a very good idea to report the lowlife to the Inland Revenue. Just make sure that your ducks are lined up and you have something for them to base their investigation on - give them as much evidence as you can without incriminating yourself in any way. This way, he (they) face(s) some kind of consequences and also it helps the social system here and is fair to those of us who pay our taxes.

If nothing comes of it you can be satisfied that you did try but if you cause him even the tiniest bit of discomfort, it is worth it.

Take care mate.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Mr Sad,

What proof do you have that the guy does not report his income and pay taxes? It sounds like all you have is hearsay.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, I have a close friend who does IRS criminal investigations. You can make a call but you're likely wasting your time.

Said friend has told me that people rat each other out all the time.....they get letters and phone calls from prisons trying to get back at people, and people try to report ex spouses when they filed jointly and signed the return (so they'd be culpable too). 

Where revenge is concerned people get crazy, but when you seek revenge first dig two graves.

So they know people are looking for revenge, but the fact is that the IRS is very short on resources, especially these days. They pretty much focus on cases that involved at least tens of thousands of dollars, and there are a lot if those. In short, they have far bigger fish to fry then an electrician who works for some cash.

You've said you are in the UK so I don't know if it's different over there, but I can't imagine it's that much different. You'd be much better off working on moving on with your life.


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