# Tips on coping?



## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I've read through a lot of these things.
My wife left on 7/14 after a heated argument where I told her to stay with her parents a few days. No infidelity, no abuse, not a ton of arguments, but a lot of stress this year. The majority of the blame is mine. She has given me no indication that there will be any MC or reconciliation.

I have been praying, meeting with my pastor, reading my bible, and taking steps to improve myself. I DO NOT WANT a divorce, but that's all she seems to want. Trying 180 to the best of my ability, but it's tough to put on a happy face. 
I wake up to an empty house - I used to get our kids (5 & 3) up every morning and get them ready.
I go to work - Her sister (who hates me now) works there, her desk is 20 feet from me.
I go to her parents to see my kids when I am off work in time - She is ALWAYS there. 
I go home to an empty house.

I don't feel like doing anything but whining and bawling. No hobbies appeal to me. I am trying to overcome the pain that comes with this. Any tips?


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## muriel12 (Jul 10, 2012)

Mark - We hear you. A lot of us are in the same situation. Probably much harder for us since we don't even know our spouses have moved on with someone else. Tips for coping:

1. You will not feel like doing anything for at least a couple of weeks. During that time, just try to eat and sleep right. If you have family or friends, please hang out with them. It will get your mind off for a while. Keep yourself busy with work or household chores. 

2. Surf web and read relationship forums like this one. It will improve your outlook and you'll see that you are not alone in this mess.

3. Exercise. Have IC if your wife is not up to MC yet. 

4. If she is not ready to have a conversation and insisting on divorce, you need to implement 180 totally to keep yourself sane and detached. Don't focus on the result yet, just focus on yourself. It will helps a ton.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

muriel12 said:


> Mark - We hear you. A lot of us are in the same situation. Probably much harder for us since we don't even know our spouses have moved on with someone else. Tips for coping:
> 
> 1. You will not feel like doing anything for at least a couple of weeks. During that time, just try to eat and sleep right. If you have family or friends, please hang out with them. It will get your mind off for a while. Keep yourself busy with work or household chores.
> 
> ...


180 is difficult because I want to see my kids, but she is always there. It's safe for her. It's her parents' house. They are in favor of reconciliation, but she is not.

Her mother always sends me encouraging emails and texts. I asked her not to because it makes me hungry for reassurance from her. I am 100% certain she isn't moving on with anyone else right now. There is no time. She works full time and takes online classes, and takes care of the kids. That was both of us for a while. I have to have major surgery in a week so I put off school for a bit.
She offered to take me to the surgery and I was happy to accept. I was also told by the doc that I shouldn't be alone for the week after, and I was offered her bed at her parents' house while she slept on the air mattress in the kids' room.

Seriously confusing... very hard to do a real 180.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> 180 is difficult because I want to see my kids, but she is always there. It's safe for her. It's her parents' house. They are in favor of reconciliation, but she is not.
> 
> Her mother always sends me encouraging emails and texts. I asked her not to because it makes me hungry for reassurance from her. I am 100% certain she isn't moving on with anyone else right now. There is no time. She works full time and takes online classes, and takes care of the kids. That was both of us for a while. I have to have major surgery in a week so I put off school for a bit.
> She offered to take me to the surgery and I was happy to accept. I was also told by the doc that I shouldn't be alone for the week after, and I was offered her bed at her parents' house while she slept on the air mattress in the kids' room.
> ...


When you see your kids after work, focus on them. Try to be friendly to her, but don't engage with her beyond things related to the kids. As for the post-surgery situation. Wow! That will be challenging. But again, be friendly, stick to the kids and the weather. Do not talk about your feelings, your relationship or the future. If she brings any of it up, tell her you are in too much pain to talk.

Good luck with your surgery.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> When you see your kids after work, focus on them. Try to be friendly to her, but don't engage with her beyond things related to the kids. As for the post-surgery situation. Wow! That will be challenging. But again, be friendly, stick to the kids and the weather. Do not talk about your feelings, your relationship or the future. If she brings any of it up, tell her you are in too much pain to talk.
> 
> Good luck with your surgery.


I've been doing just that. She also sends me random unsolicited texts, telling me how much she wants the divorce. They stopped over the past 2 days though.

I am really having a tough day at it today.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> I've been doing just that. She also sends me random unsolicited texts, telling me how much she wants the divorce. They stopped over the past 2 days though.
> 
> I am really having a tough day at it today.


Sorry you are having a tough day. Can you do something for yourself? Hook up with a friend for coffees or dinner? Go for a long walk? 

Are you down because her texts stopped? That doesn't necessarily mean anything. She could be busy. Don't read into everything that happens (or doesn't happen). I know its hard not to do that. I'm guilty of it myself, but I think if we can move beyond thinking about what is behind every move, every word, we will be better off.

Try to do something you enjoy today. Just for you.

Hugs.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Ignore her texts.. if she send e-mails then put them in a separate folder for later. If you have an Iphone or Andriod put a call recorder app on your phone so if she calls up mean or something you will have a copy of it.

You need to keep quiet at the house.. can you leave with the kids and go to a park for your time with them? Get them away from her so you can have quality time with them


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Sorry you are having a tough day. Can you do something for yourself? Hook up with a friend for coffees or dinner? Go for a long walk?
> 
> Are you down because her texts stopped? That doesn't necessarily mean anything. She could be busy. Don't read into everything that happens (or doesn't happen). I know its hard not to do that. I'm guilty of it myself, but I think if we can move beyond thinking about what is behind every move, every word, we will be better off.
> 
> ...


No, the texts got me down because they kept telling me how much she wanted to get a dissolution and how we are un-fixable.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Ignore her texts.. if she send e-mails then put them in a separate folder for later. If you have an Iphone or Andriod put a call recorder app on your phone so if she calls up mean or something you will have a copy of it.
> 
> You need to keep quiet at the house.. can you leave with the kids and go to a park for your time with them? Get them away from her so you can have quality time with them


That's the problem. It would cause tension if I tried. She also has a leg to stand on because I have a heart surgery coming up next week and I was told by the doc not to excercise.

I am trying to do the right thing, not just the thing that will make me feel better. Yes, I want her back, but I also want to know that I have done the RIGHT things. Haven't done that in the past. Again, I'm not a complete monster but I could have been better.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> Ignore her texts.. if she send e-mails then put them in a separate folder for later. If you have an Iphone or Andriod put a call recorder app on your phone so if she calls up mean or something you will have a copy of it.
> 
> You need to keep quiet at the house.. can you leave with the kids and go to a park for your time with them? Get them away from her so you can have quality time with them












X2 on getting the kids alone with you...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

Going to be tough but stay positive. I read some positive thinking books and seriously do something fun. Really do SOMETHING at all. If you sit around moping you will be in trouble. Get yourself up and do something whether you like it or not.


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## rrpa (Jul 26, 2012)

Shocker said:


> Going to be tough but stay positive. If you sit around moping you will be in trouble. Get yourself up and do something whether you like it or not.


Absolutely correct. I know for myself that after I "make myself" do something, it takes the hurt away for a little while. Focus on the kids. Show them no matter what, you are there for them.

I am just in the beginning of my D (or at least that's what the stbxw says) so I feel for you. I am right there with you and know how you feel.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I went to see my kids tonight. We had a grand time. She was having fun in the living room with her family, I was in the playroom with mine. The scene was tense when I put the kids to bed and came back into their world. Her parents love me. She pretends not to. 
SHe is taking me to my surgery - I am staying there on Monday night and leaving Tuesday at 4am. Then will go back to their house on Friday and stay the rest of the weekend. Perhaps this is the ambein talking, or just the pain of missing my family so much. My wife is a nurse... Florence Nightingale, please help!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> I went to see my kids tonight. We had a grand time. She was having fun in the living room with her family, I was in the playroom with mine. The scene was tense when I put the kids to bed and came back into their world. Her parents love me. She pretends not to.
> SHe is taking me to my surgery - I am staying there on Monday night and leaving Tuesday at 4am. Then will go back to their house on Friday and stay the rest of the weekend. Perhaps this is the ambein talking, or just the pain of missing my family so much. My wife is a nurse... Florence Nightingale, please help!



Glad you had a good visit with your children.

At least you will be in good medical hands during your recuperation. But aren't you worried about the stress of having her around on your heart? You did say your were having heart surgery.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

i'm not sure i would believe she wants a divorce. just a guess.
Bet her parents are putting pressure on her too .....


i also agree on spending whatever quality time with the kids that you can.

good luck.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Her parents are all for reconciliation. She is always yelling at her mom to back off because she doesn't want to go back to the same situation. I agree. She doesn't need that same situation, nor the same man. If I am the same man, what does she have to come home to? Her flaws are between her and God. I can only fix me. If I do that, and she does come back, I truly believe that the rest will fall into place. I won't be perfect, neither will she, but my heart will be in a different place - not because of the surgery, but because of the change. It won't happen overnight. I am not a "cured" man. I just SEE what was happening. I didn't view it as her fault. I looked for the faults in myself. 1st time in a long time I did that. I saw changes that had to be made. I have begun the process. Now I want her to grow WITH me, not apart from me.


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## Orange1 (Jul 7, 2012)

Mark we are in a similiar situation. It has taken me a while to finally admit to myself the reason she walked away was because of faults I had to. I use to think she just left for no reason and shes to blame. Changing yourself into a better sharper man is going to help you down the road either with your W or someone else. Stick with it and I hope she grows with you!


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Orange1 said:


> Mark we are in a similiar situation. It has taken me a while to finally admit to myself the reason she walked away was because of faults I had to. I use to think she just left for no reason and shes to blame. Changing yourself into a better sharper man is going to help you down the road either with your W or someone else. Stick with it and I hope she grows with you!


Thanks, Orange. I have been reading your thread too and can relate.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> Her parents are all for reconciliation. She is always yelling at her mom to back off because she doesn't want to go back to the same situation. I agree. She doesn't need that same situation, nor the same man. If I am the same man, what does she have to come home to? Her flaws are between her and God. I can only fix me. If I do that, and she does come back, I truly believe that the rest will fall into place. I won't be perfect, neither will she, but my heart will be in a different place - not because of the surgery, but because of the change. It won't happen overnight. I am not a "cured" man. I just SEE what was happening. I didn't view it as her fault. I looked for the faults in myself. 1st time in a long time I did that. I saw changes that had to be made. I have begun the process. Now I want her to grow WITH me, not apart from me.


Her mom needs to back off. Harping on the two of you getting back together isn't going to help. Can you talk to her about it.

Good for you for taking a long hard look at yourself and implementing some changes!

When is your surgery so we can think of you that day?


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Her mom needs to back off. Harping on the two of you getting back together isn't going to help. Can you talk to her about it.
> 
> Good for you for taking a long hard look at yourself and implementing some changes!
> 
> When is your surgery so we can think of you that day?


We have talked about her backing off. She is pressuring her...
Having a bypass done


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Geez - 3 weeks and it's still no better than 3 hours...


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Still not coping well. Bypass was done 8/7 and I am not really allowed to do a lot of exercise. I did take a few walks today which helped some. I still bawl like a baby just about every day. Things started to look up for a couple weeks but I had a bad day yesterday (pain from the surgery coupled with just feeling lonely) so I was moping around her parents house. She was snippy to me, I asked her to stop picking at me. 
At that moment everything positive went away. Back to square one. She is not coming to the 2nd MC and started talking about "lets just get this (divorce) over with.

So I am a basket case again. A pathetic excuse of a man. I've posted this in another segment but sometimes venting helps a bit. I hate that I find nothing enjoyable. I hate that I feel alone even when I am at the in-laws with the kids. I hate that I can't do much to ease the pain. THe last 6 weeks has seemed like a year.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> Still not coping well. Bypass was done 8/7 and I am not really allowed to do a lot of exercise. I did take a few walks today which helped some. I still bawl like a baby just about every day. Things started to look up for a couple weeks but I had a bad day yesterday (pain from the surgery coupled with just feeling lonely) so I was moping around her parents house. She was snippy to me, I asked her to stop picking at me.
> At that moment everything positive went away. Back to square one. She is not coming to the 2nd MC and started talking about "lets just get this (divorce) over with.
> 
> So I am a basket case again. A pathetic excuse of a man. I've posted this in another segment but sometimes venting helps a bit. I hate that I find nothing enjoyable. I hate that I feel alone even when I am at the in-laws with the kids. I hate that I can't do much to ease the pain. THe last 6 weeks has seemed like a year.


Welcome back, Mark. Sounds like the surgery at least went well.

Your W is not being very considerate of a man who has just had major surgery, telling him how much she wants a D. isn't she a nurse? She should know better.

You are not a pathetic excuse for a man. You just had major cardiac surgery. That, in and of itself, is enough to throw your emotions for a loop. You are not in your own house. You have a spouse who seems to thinking of herself. No wonder you're down.

Are you having any contact with friends? If not, I would call around and get some of them to come and visit you. 

Focus on getting better. As soon as you can health wise, get away from your W.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Omg.. she is so selfish
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I am in my own house. I was staying at the in-laws for a few days but I am home.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> I am in my own house. I was staying at the in-laws for a few days but I am home.


Good!

Time to focus on you.

Some of what you are feeling may actually be due to the surgery. Here is part of an article I found: 


Psychological Needs of Coronary 
Artery Bypass Surgery Patients
Robert E. Levey*, PhD, MPH; Raymond A. Dieter III**, MD; 
Jan C. Preston***, BSN, RN; Pamela M. Smithª, BSN, RN; 
Teresa L. Leveyªª, BSN, RN

Department of Medicine*, Department of Surgery, Cardiothoracic Section**, Cardiovascular 
Intensive Care Unit***, Comprehensive Cardiovascular Unitª, Heart, Lung Vascular Instituteªª, 
The University of Tennessee Graduate School of Medicine, Knoxville, TN, USA


INTRODUCTION
More than 598,000 coronary artery bypass procedures (CABGs) are performed in the U.S each year (1).

While cardiac surgery is known to improve physiological status, 7% to 35% of patients do not resume former levels of physical activity (2).

This failure is not necessarily due to physical status, rather, it may reflect psychological influences (3,4). In fact, 52% of CABG patients, and 49% of CABG patients who also suffered an MI, reported having emotional reactions (5).

COMMON PSYCHOSOCIAL REACTIONS
Anxiety and depression are reactions to (6):
- Injury to self-esteem.
- Feelings of powerlessness and vulnerability.
- Helplessness to face adaptive challenges of the illness.
- Actual or anticipated losses of independence, financial security, or social support systems.
- Family discord.

Psychosomatic (Cardiac) Invalidism (7)
- This refers to patients' manifesting such symptoms as anxiety, somatization, dysphoria, and functional impairment, which are exaggerated beyond the actual cardiac condition (hypochondriasis). They over-interpret bodily sensations and misinterpret them as indicative of cardiac disorder.

Sleep Disturbances (8-9)
- Difficulty sleeping, particularly in the initial postoperative period, has been reported.

Heightened Sense of Anger and Irritability has also been reported (10).

Marital Conflict
- Patients and their spouses have reported high levels of marital conflict, dissatisfaction, and discord during the first six months following surgery.(11-13)
- Spouses have been reported to have higher levels of stress than the patients had while in the hospital (14).

Sexual Activity
Fears about resumption of sexual activity have been reported to occur in cardiac patients (15,16) and their partners.(17)

Denial (18)
- Some authorities believe this defense mechanism is predictive of a good outcome, as it shields the patient from extreme fear.
- Moderate levels in the short term may be a helpful coping mechanism.
- If denial leads to medical noncompliance, it may present a problem.


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## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

I agree with the others that a good part of your feeling bad is just trying to recover from your surgery. I had my gallbladder out a couple of years ago which was a "drive through" procedure and still felt depressed and down for some time afterward. Once you start feeling stronger physcially, your emotional state will follow. 

As for your emotional state due to the separation, that will come in time. It's a long process that we have to go through, not around. I am 13 months separated and still have bad days. I can go for weeks maybe even a month and feeling stronger and stronger and then out of nowhere I feel like I've been bumped back a few steps. It's all part of the process. I think the best thing to do is roll with it, let the emotions come, bawl your eyes out, get up, dust off and move on until the next wave comes. They will come less and less.

I, like you, am trying to find a better me out of all of this. Our stories sound similar in that we shoulder alot of the blame. I ask myself all the time, "Why are you surprised that he left". I now know why and am working on changing that part of myself so that I don't take it into my next relationship.

Hang tight. Minute by minute, hour by hour.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Well as things turn out, God hasn't forgotten about us. She showed up to MC and major foundations were laid. No R yet but she is open, she DOES still love me. I am taking it as it comes.
Now the hard part. Not to get complacent and revert back to the old husband with whom she fell OUT of love.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Good!
> 
> Time to focus on you.
> 
> ...



I have been out of shape my whole life. This separation, and my coronary artery disease came about the same time and they were both wake-up calls for me. 
Yesterday I had 2 good walks, and I felt physically good (mentally shut down though)
I am going to keep pushing - with the hope I have received today, I am confident that I am on the road to improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Right now I am in a euphoric state 
Time to pray and exercise!!


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

QUOTE=Mark72;1019635]I have been out of shape my whole life. This separation, and my coronary artery disease came about the same time and they were both wake-up calls for me. 
Yesterday I had 2 good walks, and I felt physically good (mentally shut down though)
I am going to keep pushing - with the hope I have received today, I am confident that I am on the road to improving myself physically, mentally, and spiritually.
Right now I am in a euphoric state 
Time to pray and exercise!![/QUOTE]

TERRIFIC!!! :yay:

I'm so happy for you. Keep us informed.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Mark72 said:
> 
> 
> > I have been out of shape my whole life. This separation, and my coronary artery disease came about the same time and they were both wake-up calls for me.
> ...


I will!!
I whined a ton on here, but it looks like we are on the right track. The tough part for me now is to form NO expectations and NO timelines...

But I have it in my mind that she is open and we can work this out.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

People are allowed to heal? Lisa had me back at the pizzeria 2 days after I got my hernia fixed..

She said she didn't want me hanging out on the couch


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> People are allowed to heal? Lisa had me back at the pizzeria 2 days after I got my hernia fixed..
> 
> She said she didn't want me hanging out on the couch


LOL! She probably didn't want you to get used to hanging out on the couch!


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Well, as I posted on my other thread, she dropped the bomb and told me that she is done with MC and wants to push ahead and file.
It was looking good for 2 weeks. Then 1st MC (not pastoral) she was very cold. That was last Thursday. By Saturday, there was hope again. 
I pushed too hard and told her I'd like her to come to our place so I could make dinner.
That was too soon. She got distant. Me, being the genius I am, decided to "fix" it and reassure her...
Well... as you can imagine, it went downhill. I ended up saying that the only 2 that want us apart are her and the devil.

Brilliant. Now she is back to square one.
I regretted saying that the moment it came out... she was just telling me that she doesnt love me as a husband. She was angry that I changed my passwords on my email so she couldn't read them. She said that she doesn't believe the changes I have made are real.
I keep telling her that I am fighting for my family and not giving up.

I have no strength to do 180 - I can't pretend that I am strong when I am really feeling quite pathetic and sobbing like a child (again).


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> Well, as I posted on my other thread, she dropped the bomb and told me that she is done with MC and wants to push ahead and file.
> It was looking good for 2 weeks. Then 1st MC (not pastoral) she was very cold. That was last Thursday. By Saturday, there was hope again.
> I pushed too hard and told her I'd like her to come to our place so I could make dinner.
> That was too soon. She got distant. Me, being the genius I am, decided to "fix" it and reassure her...
> ...


I'm so sorry, Mark. I know what it feels like to get your hopes up only to have them crushed. Its devastating.

I know its hard, but the 180 is really all you can do at this point. There is a saying, 'Fake it 'till you make it'. As difficult as it is, work on yourself and show her how strong and confident you are. The last thing you want to do is show neediness. Cry those tears tonight, you're entitled, then pick yourself up and focus on becoming the best you that you can.

Hugs.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I am trying....


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> I am trying....


We know you are and we're all here rooting for you. Its going to take time and a lot of effort on your part, but things can and will get better.

How are you healthwise? No complications from the surgery I hope.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

No... just in worse shape now than before... It takes a lot out of you!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mark72 said:


> Well, as I posted on my other thread, she dropped the bomb and told me that she is done with MC and wants to push ahead and file.
> It was looking good for 2 weeks. Then 1st MC (not pastoral) she was very cold. That was last Thursday. By Saturday, there was hope again.
> I pushed too hard and told her I'd like her to come to our place so I could make dinner.
> That was too soon. She got distant. Me, being the genius I am, decided to "fix" it and reassure her...
> ...


Mark,

Read NMMNG again.

You may want to skip forward to the part where Glover advises that comparing your wife to the devil doesn't get you very far.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Mark,
> 
> Read NMMNG again.
> 
> You may want to skip forward to the part where Glover advises that comparing your wife to the devil doesn't get you very far.


I skipped over that part. Is that before or after the part where he advises not to write notes to the WAW that says "Do you like me like more than a friend. Please circle yes or no"?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mark72 said:


> I skipped over that part. Is that before or after the part where he advises not to write notes to the WAW that says "Do you like me like more than a friend. Please circle yes or no"?


You need to be able to laugh at yourself through this.

Good man.

Hang tough.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I know this is going to sound weird but I think you could benefit from actually sitting down each day and being grateful for the positives you have in life. I know you feel like there are none but even if it's small things just take time out every day to be thankful for, say, having a roof over your head, having a job, being blessed with the gift of children (even though they are not living with you). Be thankful that you live in a good climate and are not subject to hurricanes, floods etc.

Just be thankful and try and develop an "attitude" of gratitude so that you do not sink into a pool of negativity. 

Try and develop a positive attitude and tell yourself that you are strong and that you can do the 180. Keep telling youself that every day and make small steps.

This article is relevant also
Ways to Deal with a Breakup


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Conrad said:


> You need to be able to laugh at yourself through this.
> 
> Good man.
> 
> Hang tough.


It's a bit easier right now. The rollercoaster is moving up right now... My pastor explained to me that during R, a lot of times the (more often with the wife) if they feel they let their guard down too early or got too close, they will recoil quickly as a defense mechanism. I remembered that when I went over there last night. I kept positive and upbeat as if it had never happened.
(A 180 from how I would normally act... Right now my head would be in the sand and I would just avoid everyone)

She was cordial while I was playing with the kids and at dinner time. I usually put the kids to bed while she does school work. WHen I took them up, she immediately went to her room and started. The kids kept calling for me as I walked out (as usual trying to stay up past bedtime). She made a complaint that this is why she can't get her school work done - I just put them to bed and leave. Now, I thought about what she said. I translated that as "I would like you to stay, but I don't want to tell you that I want you to stay."
I asked her if she needed me to stay until the kids went to sleep. She answered "I don't care."
If the answer was really "No" then she would have given me a very rude, sarcastic form of "No".
So I translated it as "Yes." I believe I translated correctly.
Breadcrumbs? Perhaps... But knowing her and her family (they are very supportive of R) I think she is opening up. I am quite confident that some of her friends, her sister, and our sister-in-law are telling her I am a monster.

Time will tell but I am optimistic again.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Just a word of caution.

If you are going to try and discern her "true intent" by reading tea leaves, you will be exhausted all the time.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

Something that does bother me about my wife... when she gets a negative idea about something, that negative seems to stick out in her mind and it festers. When we split up, I think she told a lot of people all the bad things that she had on her mind about me, and being angry, didn't hold back. Now there are many cats out of the bag with no positives to go along with them. I think her confidants now may have a skewed view of me, and are telling her how foolish she is if she goes back to me.


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## TheCrunch (Sep 3, 2012)

I know what you mean and this is a *very *uncomfortable feeling.

All I can say is that if they are intelligent and reasonable people, they should realise that there are "two sides to every story". 

Hmm - maybe if the opportunity arises, you can say this to them, but I don't think it's worth going down the road of tit for tat type correction of what you *perceive *they think as a result of what they may or may not have heard from your wife. Rather, try and let it go and be at peace with yourself.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

Mark72 said:


> Something that does bother me about my wife... when she gets a negative idea about something, that negative seems to stick out in her mind and it festers. When we split up, I think she told a lot of people all the bad things that she had on her mind about me, and being angry, didn't hold back. Now there are many cats out of the bag with no positives to go along with them. I think her confidants now may have a skewed view of me, and are telling her how foolish she is if she goes back to me.


Don't get hung up on this, Mark. Just keep working at being the best you can be. If things work out and you both want to get back together, its not anyone else's business. I am pretty sure that some people think I am nuts for taking my H back, but I don't care. Do what makes you happy. The heck with the nay-sayers.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/reconciliation/51624-desperate-5.html#post1085707


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

The story continues... it is getting more positive though.. see the above link if interested


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

It has been confirmed. Her sister and sister-in-law have been very actively telling her how foolish she is to even consider taking me back. The sister has even upset my mother-in-law - really being hateful to her because she is so supportive of our reconciliation.


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## So hurt (Aug 28, 2012)

So sorry to hear you are going through this. I definitely know and understand what you are going through. The death sentence for you dealing with a walk away wife is if she has any sisters which I believe you mentioned that she does. This happened to me where my x looked for advice and support from her sisters which of course they backed her 100%. They practically helped my x give her the final push to end everything because they were feeding her information "she wanted to hear" to justify her decision and by her feeling supported and understood it made it easier for her to pull the trigger and not feel remorse because she is getting so much support from her sisters. Sisters can be really toxic and dangerous if you are making any sort of attempt to salvage the marriage. I learned this the hard way in which I thought that by speaking with one of my x's sisters I would knock some sense into them letting them know how I felt and how much I loved her and for her to "wake up" and try to reconcile. It backfired and the sister spun and changed my words into something completely different which just made my x go ape shi!t and sealed the deal in our marriage's fate.

Just do the 180 and act like you don't care about her anymore. Just be civil and just deal with your kids. Do not talk to her about anything anymore and especially don't let her know how you feel because that will feed her ego and will let her know that she has you wrapped around her finger. She needs to know that you are over her and that you can live and move on without her. This might not bring her back but it will be a slap to the face when she sees the changes you are making. Best of luck to you and hang in there!


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

So hurt said:


> So sorry to hear you are going through this. I definitely know and understand what you are going through. The death sentence for you dealing with a walk away wife is if she has any sisters which I believe you mentioned that she does. This happened to me where my x looked for advice and support from her sisters which of course they backed her 100%. They practically helped my x give her the final push to end everything because they were feeding her information "she wanted to hear" to justify her decision and by her feeling supported and understood it made it easier for her to pull the trigger and not feel remorse because she is getting so much support from her sisters. Sisters can be really toxic and dangerous if you are making any sort of attempt to salvage the marriage. I learned this the hard way in which I thought that by speaking with one of my x's sisters I would knock some sense into them letting them know how I felt and how much I loved her and for her to "wake up" and try to reconcile. It backfired and the sister spun and changed my words into something completely different which just made my x go ape shi!t and sealed the deal in our marriage's fate.
> 
> Just do the 180 and act like you don't care about her anymore. Just be civil and just deal with your kids. Do not talk to her about anything anymore and especially don't let her know how you feel because that will feed her ego and will let her know that she has you wrapped around her finger. She needs to know that you are over her and that you can live and move on without her. This might not bring her back but it will be a slap to the face when she sees the changes you are making. Best of luck to you and hang in there!


She is moving along in the R. The sister is not STOPPING the R, just slowing it down. The sister works with me. I am looking over my shoulder at her desk right now. She was sitting down with me at lunch, but when my wife started showing interest in R, the sister stopped talking to me. 
I understand that she wants to "protect" her, but she (like my wife) have a bad habit of only seeing the negatives in people when they are mad. They hold grudges. They refuse to see anything positive. My wife is getting past that and remembering the good.
My SIL's are not.


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## Mark72 (May 26, 2012)

I'm going to stop posting in this thread for now. Things are going well. I will stick to this one from here on out.


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