# No Affection Normal?



## walrus (Jun 26, 2017)

I have been with my husband now for ten years, married for one. He has always had a personality that does not show affection, his entire family is this way. He will not hold my hand, genuinely kiss me, or hug me unless I verbally ask, or if it is during sex. There are times I ask for a hug/kiss he responds 'no thank you'. If I initiate the affection I will succeed sometimes, but mostly just get shut down. 

He is also not a good communicator. I try to talk about things which are important to me, beyond talking about the dog, weather or gym routine. He is non-responsive or dismissive and will quickly just shut the conversation down. Sometimes he just doesn't respond like I said nothing in order to avoid the conversation. I once brought up the idea of going to see a counselor, which he laughed at because he would never talk to a complete stranger about 'my made up problems'.

I feel alone in my marriage, lack of a real connection makes me think I am the crazy one. Once I loved him, now I am not sure. I don't know if I should have ever gotten married. Considering divorce, afraid it will be a huge shock to him.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Why are you worried about is feelings? he is not worried about yours.

He also seems to mock you, are you in individual therapy?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

walrus said:


> I have been with my husband now for ten years, married for one. He has always had a personality that does not show affection, his entire family is this way. He will not hold my hand, genuinely kiss me, or hug me unless I verbally ask, or if it is during sex. There are times I ask for a hug/kiss he responds 'no thank you'. If I initiate the affection I will succeed sometimes, but mostly just get shut down.
> 
> He is also not a good communicator. I try to talk about things which are important to me, beyond talking about the dog, weather or gym routine. He is non-responsive or dismissive and will quickly just shut the conversation down. Sometimes he just doesn't respond like I said nothing in order to avoid the conversation. I once brought up the idea of going to see a counselor, which he laughed at because he would never talk to a complete stranger about 'my made up problems'.
> 
> I feel alone in my marriage, lack of a real connection makes me think I am the crazy one. Once I loved him, now I am not sure. I don't know if I should have ever gotten married. Considering divorce, afraid it will be a huge shock to him.


I can only imagine how lonely you feel with the way your husband treats you.

On average, how many hours a week do you and he spend together, doing things that you enjoy. What sort of things do you two do together?

How old are the two of you? 

Do you have children?

Do you have a job?

Sorry for all the questions, but I think this info would help in responding to you.


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## walrus (Jun 26, 2017)

Details, of course. We are both 30, and are finance professionals. No kids, one dog. We don't do many activities together, other than a weekend hike which we both enjoy (I think because there is less pressure to talk). Most evenings are spent with him working at home and me doing other things.

I am starting individual therapy this week, and actually feeling excited to go.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Some people are by nature not very affectionate, but its strange that he won't hug you even if you ask. 

His talking about your "made up problems" is very dismissive and doesn't paint a good picture.

Was he ever more affectionate?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*If couples therapy doesn't do it, then there may not be much recourse for you! 

Best of luck to you, m'dear!*


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I agree with all of the replies so far. I, like you was also excited to start individual counselling, and through both that and the responses that I got on here, I was able to make a decision of stay/leave, and be confident about it. To me, it sounds like your husband isn't very concerned about your or about the life you're trying to build together, and is fairly dismissive. I'd recommend a good by Mira Kirschenbaum: "Too Good to Leave; Too Bad to Stay". Read it and work through the questions as they come up. It might be a real eye-opener!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

walrus said:


> Details, of course. We are both 30, and are finance professionals. No kids, one dog. We don't do many activities together, other than a weekend hike which we both enjoy (I think because there is less pressure to talk). Most evenings are spent with him working at home and me doing other things.
> 
> I am starting individual therapy this week, and actually feeling excited to go.


I think you are wise to go to individual counseling. Whether you stay with him or not, you need to figure out your own direction. 

What sorts of things do you do for yourself? What's your social life like?

Here are some books that I think would really help you.

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again * by Michele Weiner-Davis

"Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below)

With the Divorce Buster book, pay special attention to the chapter on how changes to an environment will force changes...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

walrus said:


> I have been with my husband now for ten years, married for one. He has always had a personality that does not show affection, his entire family is this way. He will not hold my hand, genuinely kiss me, or hug me unless I verbally ask, or if it is during sex. There are times I ask for a hug/kiss he responds 'no thank you'. If I initiate the affection I will succeed sometimes, but mostly just get shut down.
> 
> He is also not a good communicator. I try to talk about things which are important to me, beyond talking about the dog, weather or gym routine. He is non-responsive or dismissive and will quickly just shut the conversation down. Sometimes he just doesn't respond like I said nothing in order to avoid the conversation. I once brought up the idea of going to see a counselor, which he laughed at because he would never talk to a complete stranger about 'my made up problems'.
> 
> I feel alone in my marriage, lack of a real connection makes me think I am the crazy one. Once I loved him, now I am not sure. I don't know if I should have ever gotten married. Considering divorce, afraid it will be a huge shock to him.


Read all you can about emotionally unavailable husbands, he sounds like one.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sooo, I am going to ask the obvious question here... WHY did you marry him, knowing all these negative things about who he is? Based on what you have written, you were aware that he isnt affectionate or communicative. So these things are not new, so clearly this is who he is and isnt about to change. If you want a divorce and he is shocked, well thats just too bad... plus with all you have communicated to him about what you are unhappy about, he should NOT be shocked at all.


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