# 2 strangers in same house



## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I've been dating my boyfriend 4 months, he's introduced me to all his friends, met my parents, and now we live together- only for 1 month because of a long story with my apt situation. We never, ever fight but he's very withdrawn. Last week he told me he has a few problems involving work stress & his family. I said, "I feel like you're always pulling back from me," and he kept insisting the problems have nothing to do w me, he just doesn't see the point in burdening me w them. And it's not like he just acts withdrawn a round me- he hardly ever leaves house to see friends- EVER. 

He's a police officer working night shift tonight. I got home 2 hours before his shift, he kissed me hello & immediately went into den to study for his promotion test. Right before he left for the station I said "what's wrong? I feel avoided- it would've taken 2 minutes for you to ask me about my day." He immediately walked over & tried to be all sweet & then ask questions about my day. I'm furious. This should've come naturally, and even if he has multiple "problems"/stressors, why is he withdrawing and not wanting t o interact with me? But he's obviously not upset at me because then he wouldn't have immediately tried to be sweet when I mentioned I was bothered- he would've brought up his problems w me instead.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Instead of getting defensive, why didnt you go into the den to ask him what was wrong? Stop making it all about you, thats going to put him on the defensive. What is bothering him likely has nothing to do with you at all. 

Oh, and moving in together so soon is a big mistake. Just sayin.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

May, he's affraid if he shares all his issues with you... you'll say, "Jeez, this guys' got too many issues" and you'll leave him..

Second theory is that believes information is dangerous.. You could hurt him with it so he keeps it to himself.

My wife's ex is like the second guy. He doesn't share anything... and he's a cop.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Hate to break it to you but this is pretty typical fare when you are in a relationship with someone in law enforcement.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Some people just aren't naturally affective. I'd say your relationship is still new and you're both trying to understand eachothers' emotional needs. 

Would you say withdrawing is a coping mechanism for his stress?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Why is it typical for men in law enforcement? And if this guy didn't want to be with me, why does he spend a weekend night with my family & kiss mr when I ask him what's wrong, instead of saying he doesn't like me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

That's the kind of person you are dating: quiet, thoughtful, keeps things to himself instead of burdening you with his worries, stressful job, in the middle of studying for a promotion.

If that's not the kind you want to be with, then you should move on and find someone more suitable for you. And he can also be free to find someone who would appreciate his qualities instead of wishing he were different.

ETA: He's probably also not used to having a 'wife' in his house. Especially if he's used to spending a lot of time by himself.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Instead of getting defensive, why didnt you go into the den to ask him what was wrong? Stop making it all about you, thats going to put him on the defensive. What is bothering him likely has nothing to do with you at all.
> 
> *Oh, and moving in together so soon is a big mistake. Just sayin*.


:iagree:


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He's very used to being completely on his own & suddenly he's not only in a relationship, I live there temporarily. Add the fact that he has lots of family & work stress & I guess his behavior is understandable. I just wish I could get him out of his shell & make him happy but I have no clue how
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

learning112 said:


> He's very used to being completely on his own & suddenly he's not only in a relationship, I live there temporarily. Add the fact that he has lots of family & work stress & I guess his behavior is understandable. *I just wish I could get him out of his shell & make him happy but I have no clue how*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Number one mistake people make (especially young women), thinking they can change someone. And who says he is not happy. Sounds like he is perfectly happy, just not "your" kind of happy.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

The guy is in a streeful job. US police have more life threatening events than most because of the culture. 
You've highlighted 3 points, 2 you reconise the other you seem not to have corillated.

he has said "Job presures.... " The job is high pressure its a known factor.
Family issues - he might have ben happy to move in together with you, is the famility asking questions of his decison and he doesnt want to open a can of worms by explaining it

You stated hes studying for his promotional exams - This is one very stressful time for anyone let alone someone whose career is dependant on successful exam results - and living the job as well.

He seems very preoccupied by your description - is there something in the 3 points youve posted that could just have the slightest thing to do with where his head is.
Tell him your not sure what is pressing on him but youll be there if he needs to just talk it out. Sometimes telling someone your problems doesnt actually make the situation easier, just makes it feel like someone else has a barrier to break down as well.

Support without presurising him see where it takes you first.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

You guys just met. It literally takes years to truly get to know someone. If your being pushy in anyway, this adds stress and he may push you away even further. No reason for you to get angry with him. He'll open up when he's ready to. Some people like hanging out at home. It is a great way to de stress. 

You are really going to have to give him his space. He will come around when he's ready. If you don't like this type of behavior, maybe he's not the one for you. You can't change the way he is or how he's going to act. 

Good luck.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I agree with the others about moving in too soon. Dating, especially early dating, is a time to find out if you're compatible with each other. Not a time to "change" the other person. Combine this with the fact that early dating is when you typically see the "best" of the other person... 

C


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

He really seemed to listen when I said I was bothered; for the past few nights, during the amount of time i see him before work, he asks how my day was & doesn't leave my side until he has to leave. He doesn't make a whole lot of conversation though - he just looks so exhausted (& says he is). I think it's a rough patch & there's nothing I can do


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

The title of your thread says it all. You guys are still virtually strangers and now you are thrown into a living situation together. If his behavior is troubling to you, then you need to assume that this is just the way he is and decide whether you can live with it or not. 4 months isn't that long, still plenty of time to walk away.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

But I can't assume that him being withdrawn is "just him"... When going thru a stressful time & having every reason to be exhausted w work hours, & having the huge change of a girlfriend living with him after just a few months. (I'll be moving out fairly soon as soon as my living situation is solidified.)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

learning112 said:


> But I can't assume that him being withdrawn is "just him"... When going thru a stressful time & having every reason to be exhausted w work hours, & having the huge change of a girlfriend living with him after just a few months. (I'll be moving out fairly soon as soon as my living situation is solidified.)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can assume that this is how he deals with stress. If you are convinced that he is just going through a stressful time, then why don't you back off and let him deal with it in his own way? You want him to deal with it YOUR way.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So, you were all right, my boyfriend eventually snapped out of his funk & was back o being wonderful. Living together has been seamless- no fights. We obv see each other briefly most days (unless work schedules overlap) & he spends all his free weekend time with me, too. And just invited me to a work party a month away. So why am I still insecure? Because he isn't talking about how he'll be bummed when I move out to my own place soon.after 4 months I expect him to want to live together permanently, & also to say I love you? I don't understand why I am like this


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems like you are needy for constant validation from him, and always setting up these "tests" in your head to "prove" how much he likes you. He doesn't even know you are testing him like this all the time. 

Have you been like this in previous relationships?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

learning112 said:


> So, you were all right, my boyfriend eventually snapped out of his funk & was back o being wonderful. Living together has been seamless- no fights. We obv see each other briefly most days (unless work schedules overlap) & he spends all his free weekend time with me, too. And just invited me to a work party a month away. So why am I still insecure? Because he isn't talking about how he'll be bummed when I move out to my own place soon.after 4 months I expect him to want to live together permanently, & also to say I love you? I don't understand why I am like this


How old are you?


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

norajane said:


> Have you been like this in previous relationships?


Oh yes! Constantly insecure that I won't be good enough & won't be deserving of stuff. Just because he invites me to a party a month away, I'll just find another reason to think he "isn't serious or else he'd be doing these other things too." I'm 25


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

learning112 said:


> Oh yes! Constantly insecure that I won't be good enough & won't be deserving of stuff. Just because he invites me to a party a month away, I'll just find another reason to think he "isn't serious or else he'd be doing these other things too." I'm 25


And you wonder why your relationships don't last?

Really though--how can you possibly expect "getting serious", moving in and I love you's after only 4 months? Or see that as normal and desirable? I can't imagine a scenario where that isn't a perfect storm for finding yourself a certifiable stalker!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

learning112 said:


> Oh yes! Constantly insecure that I won't be good enough & won't be deserving of stuff. Just because he invites me to a party a month away, I'll just find another reason to think he "isn't serious or else he'd be doing these other things too." I'm 25


That must be hugely stressful for you. With all that fear, do you ever even have a moment where you are relaxed enough to enjoy the relationship?

I would think that in focusing so much on whether he is serious, you aren't truly evaluating whether you could be serious about him. In 4 months, are _you _really ready to say you love him and that you want to live with him permanently? Are you really certain that you two are compatible for a lifetime? I don't imagine that you are because you are constantly insecure and on edge. 

If you put your boyfriends on a pedestal from the start, it might be that your need for approval and validation propels you along more than the actual quality and compatibility of the relationship. 

A lot of times that kind of insecurity comes from unresolved issues from your past. Was your father or a past boyfriend difficult to please, or were you always seeking approval from them for some reason? Something in your past made you feel not good enough, and that's still with you.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

norajane said:


> That must be hugely stressful for you. With all that fear, do you ever even have a moment where you are relaxed enough to enjoy the relationship?
> 
> A lot of times that kind of insecurity comes from unresolved issues from your past. Was your father or a past boyfriend difficult to please, or were you always seeking approval from them for some reason? Something in your past made you feel not good enough, and that's still with you.


Yes... My mom has turned her back on me on a moments notice, over & over again, since I was little... Just when I swore everything was great & she showed affecrion, suddenly there was yelling & then she still does this- will randomly give me the cold shoulder for weeks & act like she could care less about me just because she disagrees about 1 thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Here is what I suggest you do: get counseling for abandonment issues and insecurity you have because of your mother.

In the meantime, please try to realize that projecting these insecurities on your bf will ruin this relationship. In other words, fake it until you make it.

Only four months into a relationship, and you are dumping all your expectations on him ... even if you don't tell him what you expect. Your expectations of how you feel someone should treat you in order for you to feel secure will keep you tied up in knots. And make you one VERY unhappy camper.

Get. Counseling. Now.

If this relationship is a keeper, you need to back down. Get help to gain the tools to learn how to let this play out as it should.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I don't know how to cope. As I explained to him today after he heard me on the phone w my mom... There was just so much yelling & unhealthiness in my past, and at least now I'm able to walk away when it happens, but it brings up old memories from childhood & it's hard. 

Because my mom would completely, dramatically turn on me at moment's notice, anytime my boyfriend is exhausted from work & thus sorta withdrawn (but still nice- still kissing me, asking what's wrong if I look sad, etc- just not super I teractive), I get paranoid & assume he's getting ready to abandon me the way my mom always did.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

learning112 said:


> I don't know how to cope. As I explained to him today after he heard me on the phone w my mom... There was just so much yelling & unhealthiness in my past, and at least now I'm able to walk away when it happens, but it brings up old memories from childhood & it's hard.
> 
> Because my mom would completely, dramatically turn on me at moment's notice, anytime my boyfriend is exhausted from work & thus sorta withdrawn (but still nice- still kissing me, asking what's wrong if I look sad, etc- just not super I teractive), I get paranoid & assume he's getting ready to abandon me the way my mom always did.


You need counseling and to work on this, or it will be self-fulfilling.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

badcompany said:


> You need counseling and to work on this, or it will be self-fulfilling.




My schedule , with taking classes & working 2 jobs, is so demanding that I don't have much time for counseling. That's why I posted, hoping I could find another way.


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## imhisbeautifuldisaster (Nov 15, 2013)

So sorry you had/have such a rough time with your Mom. I couldn't imagine. I agree 100% on counselling. That's going to help you over come your issues. You have to find time to fit it in. It's usually started at one day a week, I'm sure you can find time if you want this relationship to work out. Good luck

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You claim you cannot cope and your past is making you act out in an unhealthy manner. 

If your emotional state is a problem for you, you will get help. Another way to get better? Well, you can quit blaming your past for your present.

Believe it or not, you can make choices as to how you feel or react. If you don't think you can control such choices, then you should run, not walk, to the nearest counseling facility.

And I don't care how busy you are. If you are an emotional mess and cycling through relationships, you need help.

Are you going to tell me if you start having symptoms of a potentially serious physical condition, you aren't going to see a doctor? Your emotional symptoms are unhealthy. 

Get. Counseling. Now. Or, live the way you are, and remain a mess.

Your life. Your choice.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I'm trying to understand what about my behavior makes me so abnormal & in need of counseling. How would "normal" people in a relationship like this behave any differently?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So he's working 14-plus hours a day right now. Basically it's wake up, then 40 minutes free before work. Obviously I live there so I'm there during those 40 minutes. He kisses me hello & does ask about my day. But if he seems withdrawn & tired, checking email & not spending those 40 min sitting next to me talking & cuddling & nothing else, I get upset (but hide it from him).

Is that bad? I just feel like if that's the only time he'll see me til the next day, he should be very focused on me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> So why am I still insecure? Because he isn't talking about how he'll be bummed when I move out to my own place soon.after 4 months I expect him to want to live together permanently, & also to say I love you? I don't understand why I am like this


Well, there ya go. This is part of the answer to your problem(s).

Normal is a subjective term, so I'll approach this from the perspective of maturity. Your sense of approval, happiness, and acceptance hinges on your expectations.

And your expectations are to glom onto the guy after just four months and EXPECT him to want to shack up with you forever and tell you he loves you.

AFTER FOUR MONTHS. 

A long-term relationship takes time to build. I mean, what's the big hurry here? The guy is under stress and he probably wants some space.

You are acting like a needy kid. This is not a matter of abnormal versus normal. It's a matter of how mature, grounded adults approach a relationship. At just four months in, a lot of the stuff going on is hormonally-charged.

You are only 25. What is your rush? I won't call what you are doing abnormal, but it isn't healthy. And it certainly isn't the type of behavior that nurtures a relationship.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

learning112 said:


> So he's working 14-plus hours a day right now. Basically it's wake up, then 40 minutes free before work. Obviously I live there so I'm there during those 40 minutes. He kisses me hello & does ask about my day. But if he seems withdrawn & tired, checking email & not spending those 40 min sitting next to me talking & cuddling & nothing else, I get upset (but hide it from him).
> 
> Is that bad? I just feel like if that's the only time he'll see me til the next day, he should be very focused on me.


Yes, it's bad. It's all me, me, me, I, me, I, me. But it's not all about you. Have you considered that he's exhausted and those are the only 40 minutes he has to check email and gear up for another long 14 hour day?


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

norajane said:


> Yes, it's bad. It's all me, me, me, I, me, I, me. But it's not all about you. Have you considered that he's exhausted and those are the only 40 minutes he has to check email and gear up for another long 14 hour day?


:iagree:


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I think he's just a huge introvert. After Getting ambushed at work, on his 1 day off per week, he'd rather stay In than go out to the bar with his buddies when invited. He gets like a tired zombie & will barely talk to me for hours, but it's not just me cuz he doesn't leave the house when I'm there to hang out with others, either. I brought up how I feel weird that we'll go hours at home without talking, and he just said he's exhausted. But after I mentioned It, he was Instantly more attentive to me for the rest of the day.

He must like me, cuz the other day he was talking about how cool it'd be to move back to Nevada eventually since the weather's warm. I said "lame, that's far" & he was like "um you'll be coming too, obviously!" And kissed me


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Look, I get that I moved in with him after 3 months dating as a temporary thing bc of my living situation at the time. But now it's been 5 months & I feel like if he truly liked me, he wouldn't let me leave. Even though I'm locked into a place now with paperwork... I just don't want to end up wastingy time on guy who never intends to commit
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I doubt you'll find a guy who is ready to commit at 5 months, or who is eager to move a new girlfriend into his house permanently. Your expectations are way out of line with reality.

I'm surprised that you are so sure you want to commit to him forever. It sounds like you barely even like him as a person, really. You don't seem to do well with an introvert.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I think it's reasonable for me to say "I know you want me to leave/move out now, and I know it's early but I thought things were going fine... So am I supposed to interpret you wanting me to move out now as you never wanting to live with me / having some sort of problem?"


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

learning112 said:


> I think it's reasonable for me to say "I know you want me to leave/move out now, and I know it's early but I thought things were going fine... So am I supposed to interpret you wanting me to move out now as you never wanting to live with me / having some sort of problem?"


No, it's not reasonable.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

So it's better to assume that a guy who wants me to move out at 5 months, will magically want to live together in a year?! I don't want to waste my time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

No one commits first and gets to know each other later. That's backasswards.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> So it's better to assume that a guy who wants me to move out at 5 months, will magically want to live together in a year?! I don't want to waste my time.


Again, there ya go. Your thinking is illogical. He is taking it slow and getting to know you. You, on the other hand, don't want to "waste" your time.

You are pinning your expectations of how a relationship should proceed on him. Your expectations. Your disappointment. You are obviously not singing on the same page as this guy.

There is nothing "magical" about deciding to live together after being exclusive for a year or more. Believe it or not, people with a modicum of maturity and wisdom take their time before jumping headfirst into a serious, long-term, monogamous relationship.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I just need to know if he wants me gone because he always wants to live On his own... And therefore we don't share the same life goals & I'm wasting my time. Why isn't that fair to ask?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

It is unfair because you are trying to pin him down to an all-or-nothing response. 

Just because he doesn't want to jump into living together after five months does not mean he won't want to consider it in a year or so.

If you go at him from your perspective, he is going to be ticked off. You are putting pressure on him.

If you can't see that, then you REALLY do need help. With this mindset, I can tell you that you are not mature enough to handle a serious relationship. Really. JMO.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

Not mature enough for a relationship because I ask h whether he ever intends to live with me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> Not mature enough for a relationship because I ask h whether he ever intends to live with me?


Bingo! At five months in, it shows immaturity.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

I asked how he felt about living together in general. He said "I agree with you that it's too soon to live together now..."I don't know, I mean I have never lived with any girl I've dated & I've barely even ever had roommates because I didn't want them. " yet he opened his apt to me for the last 2 months & is very affectionate & caring... Is taking me to big company function & everyone knows he's bringing his "girlfriend"... Asks me what I want for Chridtmas. Maybe I just need to relax & back off?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

learning112 said:


> I asked how he felt about living together in general. He said "I agree with you that it's too soon to live together now..."I don't know, I mean I have never lived with any girl I've dated & I've barely even ever had roommates because I didn't want them. " yet he opened his apt to me for the last 2 months & is very affectionate & caring... Is taking me to big company function & everyone knows he's bringing his "girlfriend"... Asks me what I want for Chridtmas. *Maybe I just need to relax & back off?*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YEP.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> yet he opened his apt to me for the last 2 months & is very affectionate & caring... Is taking me to big company function & everyone knows he's bringing his "girlfriend"... Asks me what I want for Chridtmas. Maybe I just need to relax & back off?


He is being a decent guy and showing you he cares. That doesn't mean you have any right to pin him down to make up his mind as to whether or not he will SOMEDAY want to live with you.

Why? Because you are asking him to project into the future. Who the heck knows what the future holds? Not only that, you ARE being manipulative, even if you don't realize it. Again, why? Because you think he should want to move you in permanently on your schedule. He doesn't want to do that. So you are trying to force the issue.

Back off. Learn to enjoy the relationship for what it is. Again, this is only at five months. Tons of people - both men and women - aren't ready to decide if they want to live together long-term so quickly.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

ok so i moved out. we work completely opposite hours during the week, literally 0 chance of seeing each other. and i guess he couldn't have called me, because every hour he's home/sleeping, i'm at work and vice versa. we texted a little every day this week, and he'd say things like "how was your day sweetie" but only like 3 texts/day total.

i know we're going out tomorrow night with his coworkers, but tonight an hour ago, he offhandedly mentions that he's going to a dinner his office divison's leader is having tonight. He asked if i wanted to hang out after it. I was furious because i didn't even know he wasn't working tonight until an hour ago!

i am so confused about why he doesn't try to text a lot more, call me even if he has to sneak a call at work, etc. yet he is all big on taking me out with all his coworkers and friends, and hes really attentive when we are together. all weekend long he's with only me- meaning, every night he's not working -- he's with me. other than this dumb dinner tonight apparently, but he specifically brought up wanting to hang out with me after it ended. but during the week if it's a work night, our contact is very scarce. should i ask him what the problem is?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> i am so confused about why he doesn't try to text a lot more, call me even if he has to sneak a call at work, etc.
> 
> ... during the week if it's a work night, our contact is very scarce. should i ask him what the problem is?


Maybe his job/career takes priority when he's at work rather than sneaking around to call or text you.

Scarce contact during the work week? Maybe he's tired after work. 

Yes, there is a problem, and it's not him. It's you.


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## learning112 (May 19, 2013)

i always find something new to obsess over.
today i overhead his (girl) friend tell him, "after you left on friday night things got a lot crazier actually!" Meaning, my BF left his work thing at 9pm to go hang with me -- totally voluntarily, i never suggested it -- instead of staying out to drink with his coworkers. Then, we went out with all these coworkers last night, and he was PDA with me. Yet what am I obsessing over? The fact that one of his closest coworkers and him are going to lunch in the middle of the workday this week, just the 2 of them. They were saying "hey should we try that new soup place?" etc, right in front of me. Clearly they're not hiding the fact that they're grabbing lunch to catch up during work. i was like "oh you guys should try the new Thai place instead!", pretending to be a totally cool GF while i was freaking out inside.
WHY am i obsessing that he must secretly want to / has hooked up with this girl and doesnt really like me? i'm exhausted, always obsessing about something.


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## motherofone (Jan 10, 2013)

I think you need a hobby or something. Put your attention to minute details to good use.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

learning112 said:


> i always find something new to obsess over.
> 
> WHY am i obsessing that he must secretly want to / has hooked up with this girl and doesnt really like me? i'm exhausted, always obsessing about something.


You obsess because you refuse to get professional help. You also don't acknowledge most of the advice you get here.

My assumption is you want to use this forum as a way to get attention. Your bf gives you plenty of attention, yet you still obsess over every little thing that isn't just the way you want it to be.

You come on here to vent about your obsession. Hey, obsess away. The thing is, you will find here on TAM, as you will find in real life, that the more you just keep whining, moaning, groaning, and complaining, that people will run out of comments they can make.

After all, you don't appear to want help. You want attention.


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