# How did you explain death to your kids



## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

Couple of days ago, My 8 Year old son suddenly started asking questions about death and dying, such as when, how and why people die. As I gave the answers, I could see he was getting increasingly distressed and eventually crying at the fact that both me and him are eventually going to die.

Then, I panicked a bit and in an effort to comfort him, I told him the religious version (Christian) of what happens to you when you die. That immediately comforted him and he stopped crying.

I realized two things, First it gave me an insight into how comforting religion can be for many people and which is why religion is such an influence in our world. I also realized that I was completely unprepared to have this conversation with my son and I am struggling to come up with an answer that is age appropriate for him.

So I am curious to know, if other parents have had this talk and what did you tell your kids about death and dying?


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Never had a focused talk. Ages 10 and 14.



I have mentioned that "some people believe in heaven, some in heaven and hell, some in re-incarnation". I also try to gently convey my belief, saying something like "afaik, there is no reason to expect an afterlife...and, so the important thing is to live fully why we are here."



I might also turn it around and ask "What do you think happens?". I want them to come to their own decisions, and think maybe it is easier for them if they feel my beliefs are not the final word.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*My oldest son unexpectedly lost a pee-wee league baseball teammate mid-season when he was only 8. 

I explained as well as I could how the Lord had special needs for folks that had served him well here on earth and that He had a much greater need for him up in Heaven. 

Some years later, when my Mother passed away, and with my son now being somewhat older, he came up and hugged me saying, "Dad, God needs her there more than He needs her here!"

With tears in my eyes, I looked at him and said, "Yes, son ~ He does!"*


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My daughter asks this all the time. She is 10. Both of my parents have passed as well as both of my brothers. My wife's parents are sick and close to passing away soon. 

She asked me many times if I am sad that they died. Being that she be!ieves in fairies and angels, I told her when we pass away, we become one of Gods angels and help our loved ones who are still alive. I tell her that I have many angels watching over me and all of us. They are still near.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

When we had the talk, we kept it pretty simple, and said that everything which is born/starts life will eventually die. We said the same applies for humans, animals, insects, and even planets and stars.

Our son said "Oh, ok" and walked off, pretty unconcerned about the whole matter. There was more of a talk needed with our daughter, who had some of the usual questions:

-So, you're going to die someday? Yes.
-I'm going to die someday? Yes, but not for a very long time.
-So, even Earth will die someday? Yes, but not for billions of years.

And so on. She was a bit sad, and cried at the idea of us dying and her as well, saying she doesn't want it to happen. I was matter of fact, and told her that I don't want those things either, but that's how things go.

The rest of our family (other than my father) on both sides is religious, and she asked about heaven. I told her that it sounds very nice, but that it doesn't seem likely to exist, and that I don't personally believe in it, and asked her what she thought. She figured it sounds pretty good. heh


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think you made a huge mistake OP.

At the time when your child was learning valid life lessons and processing them (as he should) you resorted to fairytale and make believe stuff to comfort him?

Sorry, but let him deal with it and accept reality. Yes it hurts, but it SHOULD hurt.

Sooner he learns this stuff the better off he will be IMO. 

Life is no fairytale.....

When our grandma died....our uncle and other family members (even a child)......it was hard for our kids and us, but we made it thru JUST fine. It's good to experience these feelings and deal with them (earlier the better IMO). In time, they got over it and life went on. 

Life is full of roller-coasters and ups and downs. Kids need to be part of it all and learn that there WILL be days when you feel down and it feels like entire world is caving in on you.....and there will be days of great happiness as well.

I wish my parents would've taught me these lessons. I thought I was invincible into 20s......and if I knew the reality my entire perspective on life etc would change and I would've been WAY more serious about the whole thing.

just me though....


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I can remember my dad explaining to me about dying when I was 8 years old, and my great grandma died. I couldn't wrap my head around it, but he explained that you have a really, really long sleep, lol.

When my dad himself was dying, my stepdaughter who was then about to turn 8 asked if he would be going to Rainbow Bridge where our pets go. I told her yes, he would. That comforted her - and she drew a big rainbow picture on the window of his room to cheer him up 

When dad did die, she said "Your daddy has gone to Rainbow Bridge hasn't he? I bet he's so excited to see all his pets again". So sweet. She understands that we can't see him or hear him anymore, but that we can still talk to him and our hearts will give us the answer - she may be my stepdaughter, but she is very close to my parents 

I believe that kids need to learn to deal with all facets of life, but in an age appropriate way. Scaring the **** out of 8 year olds is not a good way to go about it IMO.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The gold fish died when my son was 4. We said a prayer over it and flushed down the toilet.

When the kid across the street accidently killed my son's gerbil, we buried it in the back yard. Said a prayer.

He got the idea.... death is the end.

It's never been a topic beyond that. He seems to have always understood death.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I think this is one of the unexpected learning lessons in having pets. Think something not too expensive, like gerbils or hamsters...

My kids grief would last as long as it took to bury the pet and then get to the pet store to buy a new one. 

The biggest crocodile tears they ever shed was for a rabbit that my daughter saved from the cat. The poor thing was in shock and died the next day and when we buried it they broke out in huge sobs....


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

My mom passed when I was thirteen so there are no maternal grandparents on my side for my children. I have always made a point to share stories about my mother with my oldest son (youngest is too young 19 months). He's seen her picture, he's seen pictures of the funeral, and he knows he'll never meet her because she's dead.

I was raised a strict Christian (my mom was a Sunday School teacher at one point and I went to a private Christian school for a few years). However, am now pretty much agnostic/secular. We are raising our boys with religion though. Their dad is Catholic and in-laws are Catholic and Baptist. He believes in Heaven which I believe is comforting to him. I don't believe in it but I see no harm in him believing in something better when loved ones die. 

We lost a dear family friend this past Christmas. It's been very hard on all of us. She was yet another mother-figure to me and like a grandmother to our boys, and at the hospital when they were born. Him believing she's in a better place and in Heaven is of comfort to him in that case too.

I don't tell him about Heaven but other family members and teachers at daycare do and I do nothing to disparage it. Unlike my upbringing, I am raising him around all views but not forcing any particular one. Save the death of our friend, he's handled death well as pets - the family Dog was put to sleep a few years ago, Goldfish die and get flushed and when we're up at the cottage, they do a lot of fishing and we kill them before gutting them (instead of letting them suffocate out of water... seems crueler to me to wait). He knows that they're dead when they're dead and has always seemed okay with that.


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you for all the awesome responses, I agree with some of the above comments that says to give an age appropriate answer, instead of scaring them and nothing wrong in comforting them. Next time, one of my kids bring up this question I will be ready with a good answer.


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

StarTrekFan said:


> , First it gave me an insight into how comforting religion can be for many people and which is why religion is such an influence in our world.


The problem with this is putting the camel's nose under the tent with religion. You don't just get to selectively pick the "everlasting life" part of religion. You take on all of the other stuff right along with it.

We buried one pet already and there will be more. At two and three years old they already saw death and the older they get the more of it they see. If you have relatives that are no longer around, but you have pictures, then it has to be explained and the dog dying is what we used to explain it to them.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Honestly with no BS from both a scientific and theological point of view.


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

There are lots of good books for this if you want recommendations. THE HONEST TRUTH by Dan Gemienhart comes out in January and it deals with death for 8-12yo kids.


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## TikiKeen (Oct 14, 2013)

I was raised by a Kubler-Ross-trained counselor; my take on death was FAR more realistic than my peers' all through school.

I explained it to my kids when I first stated letting them watch the news with me; no one they knew or loved had died at that point. I explained that I believe we have souls, and that everyone's body must die. Where the soul goes depends upon what each person believes. That worked for a while.

When I left the "religion" (cult) which came along with exH, I re-taught the kids a few lessons in impermanence. the cat died, so that was a beginning for the conversation. The big kids were also 4 and 6 when their brother almost died from epilepsy the first time, so there's also some anxiety about death. It's important to me to make sure they know how grateful I am when we all wake up every morning, yet it's also important for them to see me winning over average daily struggles we all have, too. Normalizing death is okay, but dwelling on it is not.

One of my good friend's husband died suddenly yesterday, so they're watching me and H grieve now. My emphasis is on living each day the best we can. I made sure to not say "live each day as if it's your last"; poor kids would think I'm about to go out and get wasted after 15 years clean. Knowing that feeling one's feelings is part and parcel of all parts of life is the biggest lesson I want them to learn. Grief is part of life, so right now they see that, with joy in living mixed in.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The gold fish died when my son was 4. We said a prayer over it and flushed down the toilet.


Then when someone in the family dies you explain that the same thing happened to them, just like it did to the fish. And they say, "You flushed grandma down the toilet?!"


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I had to explain it to my four year old daughter after I lost my son to cancer.

The best way is the direct way. They are not "sleeping" or some such. They have passed away and you won't see them again (at least not in this life, depending on your religious views).

It hurts, but it's a part of life. You enjoy each moment you have with your loved ones (D had said something about getting rid of an old pet before it died). If that person was sick, don't shy away from that either. It's not fair and stuff happens.

Tell them the hurt will get better and don't pressure them to go to gravesides or other ceremonies if they are not ready to do so.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

My mom passed away two months ago. The grandkids were her life. The kids range in age from 5 to 16. We explained that Grammie died, which means we can't touch her or talk to her, etc. We explained that we carry her in our hearts because we have the love she had for us as well as the memories. When they asked what happens after you die, we explained what we believe. We believe that death is a sleep, waiting for Jesus to come back. We also explained that some people believe you go straight to Heaven when you die. The idea of going to Heaven gave them no comfort because it made no sense that Grammie would be gappy, looking down and seeing us grieving. What did comfort them was that she is sleeping, waiting for Jesus.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

When my Dad died back in 96, I was divorced and my daughter told my ex that she wanted to see her dad and go to the funeral parlor. 

My ex brought her and when it was time to leave for the afternoon viewing, my daughter wanted to stay with me and when my ex told me if it was OK, I said yeah. 

My daughter stayed that day and the next day and all the way to the end.

The hardest part came when we all said our final good bye and I took it really hard being that my dad and I were really close. 

Through all of this, my 10 year old daughter stayed by my side and never once left. When I went to the coffin to say good bye I fell apart and let my emotions come out and all this time she held my hand and never let go. 

Who would have thought that a ten year old kid would be willing to be a pillar of support for a 49 year old man (at the time) and she told me when we walked away from the coffin that "maybe Papa is gone dad but he's still here.

I also found out later from my ex, that since my dad died during the Christmas holidays, that she waited until after the funeral to open her Christmas gifts because it wouldn't be right to enjoy herself when she knew I was hurting. 

That's my kid. She's now 28, married, happy and still is a pillar of strength to me and I'm proud and lucky to be blessed having her.


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