# So he has admitted to visiting *****houses in the past



## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

He told me when we were dating that while he was stationed in Europe he had somewhat of a promiscuous past. I accepted it and let it go. We got married a month ago in a different state and on the drive up we started talking and he admitted to visiting brothels in Germany. Naturally that bothered me and has on and off since.

When he told me I was surprised and he told me about how legal and regulated it was over there and that the prostitutes kept health cards so he knew he was safe. Before he left the country he got tested and was clean so I'm not worried about STDs but it just bothers me the fact that my husband used to visit them. It doesn't consume my mind all the time it just pops up randomly here and there. At times I just dismiss it but others it just has me scratching my head and wondering what kind of a person he was. I know he was kind of wild being young and in the military and able to do whatever he wanted but obviously he has changed so I tell myself it's nothing to worry about as it's in his past.

Still it kind of bothers me. Of course I never told him this and not sure if I should since it's too late to care...we're just recently married. I just wish it was something he told me earlier in our relationship and not days before our wedding. Yes, if he had told me a year or so ago I would have looked at him different and backed off a bit out of disgust but I love him just the same so I hate the fact that I still think about it. I want those thoughts to go away and not judge him for his past and just look forward to our future. 

Do these feelings make me insecure? I suppose I was just venting..


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You'll get over it, seems like he picked one hell of a time to admit it though =/


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I will admit that if my fiance told me he had used prostitutes, i could not over look it.

I would be repulsed and wonder what type of a man I was with. His values would be so far removed from mine that I would have to move on. 

To me it's one thing to be promiscuous and another all together to pay for sex. I would wonder about the value he placed on women and sexual relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Syrum said:


> I will admit that if my fiance told me he had used prostitutes, i could not over look it.
> 
> I would be repulsed and wonder what type of a man I was with. His values would be so far removed from mine that I would have to move on.
> 
> ...


It's such a different culture there. These women are wives and mothers and City employees with pension plans.
My H grew up in Germany. He was raised Canadian til teen years. He found that Europeans are way more laid back about sex and nudity. 
Not saying it's all great but it's kind of different then here and it doesn't mean the same over there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> It's such a different culture there. These women are wives and mothers and City employees with pension plans.
> My H grew up in Germany. He was raised Canadian til teen years. He found that Europeans are way more laid back about sex and nudity.
> Not saying it's all great but it's kind of different then here and it doesn't mean the same over there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It doesn't really matter where my H was from or what it means anywhere, in fact I live in Australia and from what i have seen many westerners are very accepting of prostitution, believing that it's going to happen any way, and that men just have to have sex and that they have a right to buy women.

I disagree with that idea. It makes me ill to think that anyone can be bought sexually and anyone with those values regardless of upbringing (and the Op's OH was not raised there) would obviously not be a good match for me.

I believe women and men are far more valuable then that and that people should not be for sale. I also want to be with someone who sees women as more then just a quick f#$%.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Syrum said:


> It doesn't really matter where my H was from or what it means anywhere, in fact I live in Australia and from what i have seen many westerners are very accepting of prostitution, believing that it's going to happen any way, and that men just have to have sex and that they have a right to buy women.
> 
> I disagree with that idea. It makes me ill to think that anyone can be bought sexually and anyone with those values regardless of upbringing (and the Op's OH was not raised there) would obviously not be a good match for me.
> 
> I believe women and men are far more valuable then that and that people should not be for sale. I also want to be with someone who sees women as more then just a quick f#$%.


For sure, my H was raised Western and didn't partake of that or the nudity, just explaining to OP, her H isn't making it up when he says culture is different there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> You'll get over it, seems like he picked one hell of a time to admit it though =/



Yeah I hope I get over it. When he brought it up with a friend a few weeks after that, it irritated me again. His friend just looked at me with surprise and I was like "yeah and he tells me this a week before we get married." My husband had the nerve to look embarrassed and said that he thought he had told me earlier. 

I hope I am just overthinking things. Some people tell me I made a mistake, others tell me since he married me he has obviously grown up and has willingly left that part of his life behind.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Syrum said:


> I will admit that if my fiance told me he had used prostitutes, i could not over look it.
> 
> I would be repulsed and wonder what type of a man I was with. His values would be so far removed from mine that I would have to move on.
> 
> ...


I was turned off because the whole prostitution thing is just disgusting to me but I'm trying not to judge him even though I'm certain if I had that past, he'd have probably gotten rid of me. 

Should I talk to him about this though? Obviously it doesn't change the past but just to talk things out so I don't keep all these feelings bottled upside.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Syrum,

Are you pro-life or pro-choice?



Syrum said:


> It doesn't really matter where my H was from or what it means anywhere, in fact I live in Australia and from what i have seen many westerners are very accepting of prostitution, believing that it's going to happen any way, and that men just have to have sex and that they have a right to buy women.
> 
> I disagree with that idea. It makes me ill to think that anyone can be bought sexually and anyone with those values regardless of upbringing (and the Op's OH was not raised there) would obviously not be a good match for me.
> 
> I believe women and men are far more valuable then that and that people should not be for sale. I also want to be with someone who sees women as more then just a quick f#$%.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> He told me when we were dating that while he was stationed in Europe he had somewhat of a promiscuous past. I accepted it and let it go. We got married a month ago in a different state and on the drive up we started talking and he admitted to visiting brothels in Germany. Naturally that bothered me and has on and off since.
> 
> When he told me I was surprised and he told me about how legal and regulated it was over there and that the prostitutes kept health cards so he knew he was safe. Before he left the country he got tested and was clean so I'm not worried about STDs but it just bothers me the fact that my husband used to visit them. It doesn't consume my mind all the time it just pops up randomly here and there. At times I just dismiss it but others it just has me scratching my head and wondering what kind of a person he was. I know he was kind of wild being young and in the military and able to do whatever he wanted but obviously he has changed so I tell myself it's nothing to worry about as it's in his past.
> 
> ...


That is a crazy screen name you have there ! 

You know people are funny, some can not handle the truth of the darker things in our natures and others would be upset if they did not get the full story.

Which type of wife are you??

Some would rather not know. Personally I can not relate to that at all . I would want to know, and be very ticked off if I found out later. 

Yes, DO talk about it with him, don't bottle anything . We should never do that in marriage, It leads to resentment, suspicions, lack of trust, even sadness, a connection broken. 

Husbands & wives should be able to talk openly about anything & everything, the good, the bad, the ugly, the dark, the sexual -things that others may find unforgiveable. That doesn't mean you need to go down that path. What is important is TODAY, how he treats you in the here & NOW. Many many men do some WILD things in their youth and they get them out of their system. Unless you expect your husband to be a virgin, I think it is kinda normal he wanted to check that scene out in another country. Being his Test was raging at that time, he was single. Doggish -yes, but normal none the less. 

Me for example was Mrs Goody Goody freaking Goody, I didn't do a damn thing wild in my youth and here I am in Mid life thinking I missed what many others enjoyed in their youth, that craziness, that freedom. Don't judge him too harshly for that, but instead thank him for opening up to you, and sure, let him know if it bothers you, he may regret doing it ! Maybe you fear him saying he doesn't regret it ? 
*
I feel it is commendable he opened up to you on his own*, he *trusted *you. The timing wasn't the best but maybe he wanted to get this off his chest, he is a man who doesn't want to hold SECRETS from his wife. Damn, that is a good thing. Please think & consider this -marvel at it -before you trample that. 

I can tell you this -many men wouldn't ! I work for an old man that told ME things he never told his wife about his past in the army, she is too straight laced, he would only be inviting judgement upon himself, Dog comments, anger , who knows. What man wants the beating, so he can never live it down. This is why men need their Guy friends so they can "let loose" with them. As their wives, we need to be able to hear it all , this brings you even closer. 

So long as he is faithful NOW, honorable NOW to you in all ways - but be open to hear his experiences, how he felt about them, what he learned, what he would do different. I would be ever so curious if I was the wife. These things all shape who he has become, a part of his story. 

We have all done some shady things in our past (except me & my husband of coarse) haha That is why we enjoy strip clubs in our 40's now, see -it is good your hubby got it OUT of his system !!!


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

SimplyAmorous, thanks for your reply. I'm like you, I prefer to know and I believe part of the reason why I'm bothered by it is the time that he told me. Yes, I'm glad he opened up to me about it on his own. I'm always willing to hear about the good times he had in Germany and the good friends he made over there. 

I know he doesn't regret doing it because he told me he had a good time and that if things didn't work out between us that he doesn't believe in getting married twice and wouldn't mind going back to that lifestyle! Again, this he told me after we married! I try to make excuses like maybe he didn't tell me before because he was afraid of my reaction..? Maybe, but that doesn't sound like him at all. 

All in all, if you look at the way he treats me now, one would not guess that he had such a past so I'm not worried about that. He's told me several times before that he didn't have to get married but it's something he chose for himself. He was done being young and partying and ready to settle down. Pretty serious coming from a 23-year-old. I don't doubt that he loves me which is why the more I think about it the more I just think I'm sweating over nothing and just feeling temporarily insecure. Had to get it off my chest.


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

Let me preface this by saying I went through a wild spell when I was 18-21 yrs old. Had a religious upbringing (Mormon) and even graduated from a Christian high school. 

The words from your thread title that caught my attention were: in his past.

Maybe he told you when he did because he felt really comfortable with you at that moment. I know- a little more notice would have been nice, but he did open up before vows were made. I don't know him or you like your friends do, but based upon the info you've given, it's in the past. Focus on the now. I would, however, let him know that it makes you uneasy and talk to him about it length.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

LuvMyH said:


> Let me preface this by saying I went through a wild spell when I was 18-21 yrs old. Had a religious upbringing (Mormon) and even graduated from a Christian high school.
> 
> The words from your thread title that caught my attention were: in his past.
> 
> ...



Thanks, LuvMyH. Yeah, I can see now that he felt it was ok to bring it up then because he was very comfortable with me at the moment. I remember we were relaxed and chatting then he went off on his usual tangents about his life in Germany then Bam! 

I should try to focus on the now, especially since I know that he's done with that lifestyle. It just leaves a bad taste in my mouth, ya know? I'm just wondering if I have a right to feel this way or not.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Syrum,
> 
> Are you pro-life or pro-choice?


I fail to see what that has to do with this.

I am however pro choice. 

I do not believe that women choose prostitution so much as societal circumstances lead them to be where they have often have little choice. In fact studies show that many women start in (coerced/ forced) prostitution as children and teens and they are very likely to come from poverty.

Any man who would choose to pay for sex does not value women enough for me. It makes me sick to my stomach.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I figured you were.

I find it completely inconsistent that one has "the right to choose" only in politically correct situations - and is subject to judgement in others.



Syrum said:


> I fail to see what that has to do with this.
> 
> I am however pro choice.
> 
> ...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Conrad said:


> I figured you were.
> 
> I find it completely inconsistent that one has "the right to choose" only in politically correct situations - and is subject to judgement in others.


That's what I mean about European attitude being different about sex, nudity, etc. The Moulin Rouge - is it a must see cultural event or a strip club?
My H is a prude. Yet he's unfazed at prostitution in Germany. He says it's just different there. He says it's like a high-story apartment complex with a club on the main floor. You can go hang out like any club and prostitutes leave you alone or you can pay and go upstairs. They are city employees there. 
I'm not for protitution and it would bother me if my H partook. But I do see it not as bad there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm not bothered by the European attitude about sex it's just...I don't know...the fact that MY husband took a part of that. And whose to say that if it were legal here in the US that he wouldn't have done it here? But oh well. I'm just waiting for him to bring it up again so I can tell him how it bothers me once and for all. Somehow I find randomly bringing up prostitutes inappropriate. I only hope I don't get a negative reaction when I do tell him. I'm partly afraid of that. He has a tendency to tell me I worry too much..


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

When me and my H were dating, he told me that before we met, on a guys' vacation they took to one of the European countries, he paid for a BJ when they were in one of those clubs.

He said he went in and she started doing her thing, but he couldn't get near to getting "there" and just walked out. It's not something he's particularly proud of, a little embarrassed in fact.

I was astounded when he told me. Completely shocked. It's not at all the kind of thing I'd expect him to have done knowing him, and I feel there was somewhat of the vibe of each of the guys egging each other on to see who would do it, and he stepped up, so to speak.

I could see he was worried what I would think as he thought he would never tell me, but it just came out one day when we were talking and he felt comfortable.

I view it a part of his past. A little unsavory, and yes I don't like that he did that. But being truthful, the reason I don't like it is not so much because of "what" it is (although that does bother me), but that he would be the one to go forward in that situation.

But I feel for you, I know how that feels when you find out and it is something you would never have predicted. I agree with SA on this one, he told you, and it is part of his past. I think people *do* experiment for want of a better word, and would never consider bringing that kind of stuff into their "now." You don't have to like it though, that's OK.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

walkingwounded, you're right. The past is past. My H isn't ashamed of what he did and like I said before he admitted that if we ever divorced he wouldn't mind living that lifestyle again. And last time he brought it up he even went into details about how he would walk in with a full paycheck and leave broke. That is seriously off putting. It hurt when he said that he would go in and pick several girls at once and said how he would get rough with them and everything. I really don't think he thought about my feelings when he told me this. Why would any woman be ok with hearing such details like that? But oh well. Just something I have to live with and eventually get over.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> walkingwounded, you're right. The past is past. My H isn't ashamed of what he did and like I said before he admitted that if we ever divorced he wouldn't mind living that lifestyle again. And last time he brought it up he even went into details about how he would walk in with a full paycheck and leave broke. That is seriously off putting. It hurt when he said that he would go in and pick several girls at once and said how he would get rough with them and everything. I really don't think he thought about my feelings when he told me this. Why would any woman be ok with hearing such details like that? But oh well. Just something I have to live with and eventually get over.


There's a difference between a wild past and rubbing your nose in it. The way he's discussing it with you is quite tasteless.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SepticChange said:


> I was turned off because the whole prostitution thing is just disgusting to me but I'm trying not to judge him even though I'm certain if I had that past, he'd have probably gotten rid of me.


This is your problem. You're looking at it from YOUR POV, a female's. He probably couldn't care less if you were having as much sex as you wanted before him, because it's just sex. 

To guys, that's what you're suppposed to do! It's what they spend their entire lives trying to do from the age of about 11 up to about 19. To them, a brothel makes perfect sense because you 'gotta' do it, so why not find a place where you just go and get it and don't have to mess with having a relationship just to get your sex? Honestly, I think it's an American issue (we being the descendants of the Puritans, and all) more than anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you CAN do is inform him that it DOES bother you to hear details, and if he loves you he will respect that and stop talking about it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

As I have said before, a man or a woman have the right to know their potential spouses past sexual history and use that information any way they want. They do not have to defend how they feel about it. They do not have to be politically correct. It is their business.

This would have been way better if he told her this BEFORE they married.

I am not judging any sexual behavior. I was in the Navy. Most of my Shore Patrol duty was in the hooker bars. Not as a patron. If anything hanging around this atmosphere turned me off.

The next answer is :

Once. I was single. Very young. It was the last day in Europe. I got out of the Navy without a tatoo even. But I also paid for a hooker. Once. Right of passage I suppose. My business. Not proud. Not ashamed. Pretty much did not feel I needed to pay for sex. My wife knew this before we were married. I think she sees it for what it was. Never been an issue for her.

I guess I had an emotional attachment to one of the hookers LOL. I kept saying no. I had spent a whole cruise with them following the ship and again spent a lot of time in the bars talking to them in between thier ... gigs.

A buddy of mine who I shared an apartment with back in the states actually struck up a relationship with a French hooker named Danielle. I found other digs when she came over to visit him. Yeah, I know ... weird. Interesting times.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

golfergirl said:


> There's a difference between a wild past and rubbing your nose in it. The way he's discussing it with you is quite tasteless.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes I feel like he does rub my nose in it but I don't think he realizes it. Mentioning it once is ok fine...but bringing it up again and around friends as well...jeez.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> This is your problem. You're looking at it from YOUR POV, a female's. He probably couldn't care less if you were having as much sex as you wanted before him, because it's just sex.
> 
> To guys, that's what you're suppposed to do! It's what they spend their entire lives trying to do from the age of about 11 up to about 19. To them, a brothel makes perfect sense because you 'gotta' do it, so why not find a place where you just go and get it and don't have to mess with having a relationship just to get your sex? Honestly, I think it's an American issue (we being the descendants of the Puritans, and all) more than anything.


He did tell me that men were supposed to have more experience than women. This was said back when we were just friends and I brushed it off because I never expected to get into a relationship with him. But whatever, no problem. 

Anyway, it looks like it's something I'll just have to accept. I see no point in sweating about something that happened in the past before we even met but it's just something that's been on my mind. It had me thinking twice about myself because I'm not one to let things I can't control bother me. I just hoped I wasn't getting all insecure. Thanks for your input.


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