# Is it weird that I want to have sex still?



## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Ok, so my husband and I have been having some issues involving him meeting me halfway in our marriage. Just being there more emotionally. We’ve been distant for a while because he’s been doing nonstop training since January and we haven’t been able to connect in person. Although he couldn’t be there for me physically, I wanted him to at least let me know he was thinking of me or call … stuff like that .. He has recently returned from training and before he returned I saw that he had been texting a few girls. I was shown the messages, there was nothing sexual in them..But I was still upset because that could’ve eventually led to some other things, ya know…
We sat down and talked about the issues we have, what led up to him doing that, and decided we are going to go to marriage counseling and attend a marriage retreat to see if we can get better together … so anyways, I’m still upset about him reaching out to other females but I really want to have sex.. like I want him physically badly but I don’t want him to think I forgave him already… is that weird? I just need some advice 🥴
What should I do? 🥲


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

You could find an answer in the questionable writings of Esther Perel. She would tell you that separation increases sexual attraction, and that some competition inspires you to better performance. 

If your main focus is on punishment "I don’t want him to think I forgave him already" then no good sex will come about anyway. 

So in summary it is not unusual that you want to have sex with him. You would be better of figuring out Exactly what it will take to get your forgiveness. That way he can appease your demand, and you can get on with getting it on.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Okay i will check that out and Thank you for your input


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

1. How did you know about the messages before he returned?

2. What were the messages regarding? Were they work related? Or just 'friendly' texts?


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> 1. How did you know about the messages before he returned?
> - so I felt something was really wrong, like my intuition was kicking in on overdrive.. so I decided to look at our phone bill and that’s when I saw unfamiliar numbers.. and I continued my investigation from there.
> 
> 2. What were the messages regarding? Were they work related? Or just 'friendly' texts?


- him being friendly and asking if they would like to go out to grab food or something one day.. things like that


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

KFlem28 said:


> - him being friendly and asking if they would like to go out to grab food or something one day.. things like that


a bit dodgy, if you ask me...


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

KFlem28 said:


> - him being friendly and asking if they would like to go out to grab food or something one day.. things like that


So in other words, asking them out on dates.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

KFlem28 said:


> - him being friendly and asking if they would like to go out to grab food or something one day.. things like that


Yeah, I agree, dodgy as hell.

Good job on the investigating. Keep it up. Trust (maybe), but verify.

Were there any texts to guys suggesting the same thing?

Doesn't matter, you have every right to be at least irritated, possibly totally pissed.

I would make him tell you everything, not sure how you'll know when he has, but I'll bet your intuition will help you there.

I would say all systems go on the sex, although asking him to get tested for STDs might be a good idea. His reaction will tell you a lot.

But having sex I think will bring you together & make it easier to mend this situation.

Make sure he knows he's NOT out of the dog house.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> So in other words, asking them out on dates.


Exactly


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

KFlem28 said:


> Exactly


You haven't mentioned how long you've been married.

Has he ever cheated? I'm betting you would catch on pretty quickly, like you did with the phone calls.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> Yeah, I agree, dodgy as hell.
> 
> Good job on the investigating. Keep it up. Trust (maybe), but verify.
> 
> ...


Right, and no there was no text to guys suggesting the same things.

So I caved into the sex.. but I did let him know after that although it happened it doesn’t mean I have moved past the betrayal. He said he understands, but I’ll see the truth through his actions.

I’m definitely handling this in way I hope I will not regret in the future. I’m super calm and trying not to react based on my emotions alone. I feel like it’s something deeper but I guess I’ll have to find that out when we go to counseling.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> You haven't mentioned how long you've been married.
> 
> Has he ever cheated? I'm betting you would catch on pretty quickly, like you did with the phone calls.


We’ve been together 6 years, married 3. Back in 2018 he was on a dating site, caught him.. he was deployed overseas. He stopped and we moved forward because I am very forgiving… it was like he had an addiction to sex but since he wasn’t able to do that while deployed he found another outlet. Unfortunately, while he was gone I was pregnant. So the trauma of that situation was pretty tough to get through when we finally reunited.

He tells me he has never slept with another woman nor does he desire to, I believe him when he says it… idk why, I just do ..


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

KFlem28 said:


> We’ve been together 6 years, married 3. Back in 2018 he was on a dating site, caught him.. he was deployed overseas. He stopped and we moved forward because I am very forgiving… it was like he had an addiction to sex but since he wasn’t able to do that while deployed he found another outlet. Unfortunately, while he was gone I was pregnant. So the trauma of that situation was pretty tough to get through when we finally reunited.
> 
> He tells me he has never slept with another woman nor does he desire to, I believe him when he says it… idk why, I just do ..


Well he is your husband, so don't feel like you caved, you have every right to have your needs met in that area & if the desire is there, then go for it.

You are a _sleuth!_ How did you catch him on a dating site when he was overseas? Tell us a story!

You seem like you have a strong intuition & if he hasn't cheated on you that's good, really good.

Just a thought, if he enjoys the on-line stuff, maybe you could join him in it, somehow. It might be a bit of a kink, but might be a turn on for both of you. Maybe you could join the site and chat with men. All as a couple of course, no sneaking around.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> Well he is your husband, so don't feel like you caved, you have every right to have your needs met in that area & if the desire is there, then go for it.
> 
> You are a _sleuth!_ How did you catch him on a dating site when he was overseas? Tell us a story!
> 
> ...


I gathered all his passwords and emails before he left for deployment without him knowing. I felt something was going to happen and it did. I logged into everything on my laptop, I used YouTube to learn how to figure out hidden passwords.. it was really an easy catch.
Lol, I love investigating but I wish I didn’t have to do that on my husband. 
If he was able to be honest with me from the get go, I would have no problem fulfilling his fantasies or just having fun.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I was about to say you were weponizing sex after your first post, which for me is a hard no. However, after reading you subsequent posts, your husband is a dog. Military marriages have one of the highest rates of infidelity around. If your husband was overseas, had motive and opportunity, and was on dating sites, I wouldn’t believe for a second he wasn’t with another woman. Demand the truth or demand a divorce, his choice.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

RebuildingMe said:


> I was about to say you were weponizing sex after your first post, which for me is a hard no. However, after reading you subsequent posts, your husband is a dog. Military marriages have one of the highest rates of infidelity around. If your husband was overseas, had motive and opportunity, and was on dating sites, I wouldn’t believe for a second he wasn’t with another woman. Demand the truth or demand a divorce, his choice.


I understand what you’re saying. It’s just so much harder for me to just let go.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

KFlem28 said:


> I gathered all his passwords and emails before he left for deployment without him knowing. I felt something was going to happen and it did. I logged into everything on my laptop, I used YouTube to learn how to figure out hidden passwords.. it was really an easy catch.
> Lol, I love investigating but I wish I didn’t have to do that on my husband.
> If he was able to be honest with me from the get go, I would have no problem fulfilling his fantasies or just having fun.


You should be a P.I.!



KFlem28 said:


> I understand what you’re saying. It’s just so much harder for me to just let go.


Is that because you love him?

If so, can you forgive him and move on with him and fulfill his fantasies & have fun?

Making sure he knows you will always be in "Trust, but verify," mode?

You seem like you're pretty easy-going, possibly understanding & maybe even open-minded.

Give him the chance to be honest from here on out, with the understanding that you will bring the hammer down if there are anymore shenanigans.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

KFlem28 said:


> I understand what you’re saying. It’s just so much harder for me to just let go.


Sorry you have gone through this, but imagine it is pretty normal for military wives (and husbands) left at home. Do other military wives in your same situation group together to commiserate and support one another. Have never been in the military, but for friends and family who have, a girl or girls in every port-of-call seemed the norm, unavoidable, and expected by their wives. The wives knew what was going on, their husbands protested innocence. Rather like "don't ask/ don't tell" The wives of course didn't like it but was just the nature of the situation. I think their marriages survived by just taking that subject off of the table, keeping their deployed life separated from the at home life.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

So, he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to meet YOU halfway, but he sure has no problem putting in the effort throwing those fishing poles out in the water hoping to get a live one.

Look, he may have "shown" you his text messages, but if you think for ONE minute that he hasn't deleted *90% of the bad texts* before he let you "see" them, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you.

Stop being naive.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Look, he may have "shown" you his text messages, but if you think for ONE minute that he hasn't deleted *90% of the bad texts* before he let you "see" them, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you.


That's a very good point, but I'll bet our super-sleuth didn't give him a chance to delete those messages, and she has the records from the phone company to make sure that didn't happen.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

KFlem28 said:


> We’ve been together 6 years, married 3. Back in 2018 he was on a dating site, caught him.. he was deployed overseas. He stopped and we moved forward because I am very forgiving… it was like he had an addiction to sex but since he wasn’t able to do that while deployed he found another outlet. Unfortunately, while he was gone I was pregnant. So the trauma of that situation was pretty tough to get through when we finally reunited.
> 
> He tells me he has never slept with another woman nor does he desire to, I believe him when he says it… idk why, I just do ..


How do you know he didn't delete messages that he would not want you to see?


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So, he doesn't seem to want to make the effort to meet YOU halfway, but he sure has no problem putting in the effort throwing those fishing poles out in the water hoping to get a live one.
> 
> Look, he may have "shown" you his text messages, but if you think for ONE minute that he hasn't deleted *90% of the bad texts* before he let you "see" them, then I have some oceanfront property in Colorado I'd like to sell you.
> 
> Stop being naive.


I actually contacted the females and they showed me the text messages


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> That's a very good point, but I'll bet our super-sleuth didn't give him a chance to delete those messages, and she has the records from the phone company to make sure that didn't happen.


You’re right 🤷🏽‍♀️.. There's nothing he can get past me, I see everything


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Noman said:


> You should be a P.I.!
> 
> 
> Is that because you love him?
> ...


Yes, it's because I love him. But I know love is not enough to keep me in this marriage. I've told him that as well. I'm open-minded, understanding, and would do anything to see him happy. All I really require is honesty. If he can tell me the truth instead of being sneaky or assuming I’ll react a certain way, we could definitely make this work. The truth may hurt but I’ll get over that quicker than a lie.
It’s up to him to realize that though…


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Sorry you have gone through this, but imagine it is pretty normal for military wives (and husbands) left at home. Do other military wives in your same situation group together to commiserate and support one another. Have never been in the military, but for friends and family who have, a girl or girls in every port-of-call seemed the norm, unavoidable, and expected by their wives. The wives knew what was going on, their husbands protested innocence. Rather like "don't ask/ don't tell" The wives of course didn't like it but was just the nature of the situation. I think their marriages survived by just taking that subject off of the table, keeping their deployed life separated from the at home life.





karole said:


> How do you know he didn't delete messages that he would not want you to see?


I received proof from the girls


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

So did he lie about this when you told what you knew?

How did the confrontation go?


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

re16 said:


> So did he lie about this when you told what you knew?
> 
> How did the confrontation go?





re16 said:


> So did he lie about this when you told what you knew?
> 
> How did the confrontation go?


yeah he definitely did, I didn’t show my proof until after he told me the lie.. 
Everything was through text because he wasn’t home from training yet..


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If you required honesty you would leave after catching him lying. But after catching him lying several times you just want to have sex with him really bad. Which is fine, it's not weird and you're not the first. But you should to be honest with yourself and admit something about him putting other women within reach gets you worked up. A lying dog is your type.

I would just full out embrace it if I were you.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

gaius said:


> If you required honesty you would leave after catching him lying. But after catching him lying several times you just want to have sex with him really bad. Which is fine, it's not weird and you're not the first. But you should to be honest with yourself and admit something about him putting other women within reach gets you worked up. A lying dog is your type.
> 
> I would just full out embrace it if I were you.


Not true. If you assume that based on what was told here, cool. That’s your opinion, but you don’t know my marriage like I know it…and you definitely don’t know me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KFlem28 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been having some issues involving him meeting me halfway in our marriage. Just being there more emotionally. We’ve been distant for a while because he’s been doing nonstop training since January and we haven’t been able to connect in person. Although he couldn’t be there for me physically, I wanted him to at least let me know he was thinking of me or call … stuff like that .. He has recently returned from training and before he returned I saw that he had been texting a few girls. I was shown the messages, there was nothing sexual in them..But I was still upset because that could’ve eventually led to some other things, ya know…
> We sat down and talked about the issues we have, what led up to him doing that, and decided we are going to go to marriage counseling and attend a marriage retreat to see if we can get better together … so anyways, I’m still upset about him reaching out to other females but I really want to have sex.. like I want him physically badly but I don’t want him to think I forgave him already… is that weird? I just need some advice 🥴
> What should I do? 🥲


It's not weird, but if I were you I would wait until things are looking up a little before I gave in to that impulse. If you let him think you will just keep taking him back when you're mad at him then he'll stop taking it seriously.


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## KFlem28 (Aug 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> It's not weird, but if I were you I would wait until things are looking up a little before I gave in to that impulse. If you let him think you will just keep taking him back when you're mad at him then he'll stop taking it seriously.


Right, I understand.


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## Noman (Oct 17, 2014)

KFlem28 said:


> I received proof from the girls


Every time you post you go up in my estimation. You have _moxie!_

So, what did the girls tell you? Was he trying to get into their pants or was he perhaps just craving some female companionship?

As for lying to you, is it possible he was standing there, mentally crapping his pants, terrified of what was coming & lying to try and save himself because he actually was innocent of any hanky-panky?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

this is great that you still want sex. Sex is the glue that keeps marriages together. go for it.


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## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

KFlem28 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been having some issues involving him meeting me halfway in our marriage. Just being there more emotionally. We’ve been distant for a while because he’s been doing nonstop training since January and we haven’t been able to connect in person. Although he couldn’t be there for me physically, I wanted him to at least let me know he was thinking of me or call … stuff like that .. He has recently returned from training and before he returned I saw that he had been texting a few girls. I was shown the messages, there was nothing sexual in them..But I was still upset because that could’ve eventually led to some other things, ya know…
> We sat down and talked about the issues we have, what led up to him doing that, and decided we are going to go to marriage counseling and attend a marriage retreat to see if we can get better together … so anyways, I’m still upset about him reaching out to other females but I really want to have sex.. like I want him physically badly but I don’t want him to think I forgave him already… is that weird? I just need some advice 🥴
> What should I do? 🥲


I do not understand how your husband has been away and not is back and you sleep with him in the same bed asking yourself what you should do, yet you are asking about connection. Se is a very good connection in my estimate. I would have had it with him the day he came back and the hour after that etc. Our mental differences are not the same as our physical needs. My husband is there to see to my sexual needs as long as we both agree he is still my husband and I have the same responsibilities towards him. If there are emotional issues to discuss we discuss sincerely while the other physical issues are not being made worse. 

Counselling is good, very good, but it just helps to listen to the other and to solve your own issues. Having sex with your husband enhances belonging and ideally neither should have to think whether or not you should have sex with the other. It is assumed sex happens. It does not mean he will think you have forgiven him. I just means you have physical need of him, like he has of you.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Hysterical bonding


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So he was asking girls out on dates, and he was caught on a dating site…….. and you think he hasn’t been with anyone else?
Well he has if the opportunity presented itself. He was surely trying.

if you are looking for a monogamous relationship, your husband is not the guy.

You are not going to be able to police him enough. He will find a way. Why would you want to? You’ve caught him red handed. What more do you want?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KFlem28 said:


> Ok, so my husband and I have been having some issues involving him meeting me halfway in our marriage. Just being there more emotionally. We’ve been distant for a while because he’s been doing nonstop training since January and we haven’t been able to connect in person. Although he couldn’t be there for me physically, I wanted him to at least let me know he was thinking of me or call … stuff like that .. He has recently returned from training and before he returned I saw that he had been texting a few girls. I was shown the messages, there was nothing sexual in them..But I was still upset because that could’ve eventually led to some other things, ya know…
> We sat down and talked about the issues we have, what led up to him doing that, and decided we are going to go to marriage counseling and attend a marriage retreat to see if we can get better together … so anyways, I’m still upset about him reaching out to other females but I really want to have sex.. like I want him physically badly but I don’t want him to think I forgave him already… is that weird? I just need some advice 🥴
> What should I do? 🥲


That's a tough one. A basic rule of psychology is don't reward bad behavior. But you don't really know the extent of why he was in contact with those women. How did you find out he was interacting with them?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

KFlem28 said:


> We’ve been together 6 years, married 3. Back in 2018 he was on a dating site, caught him.. he was deployed overseas. He stopped and we moved forward because I am very forgiving… it was like he had an addiction to sex but since he wasn’t able to do that while deployed he found another outlet. Unfortunately, while he was gone I was pregnant. So the trauma of that situation was pretty tough to get through when we finally reunited.
> 
> He tells me he has never slept with another woman nor does he desire to, I believe him when he says it… idk why, I just do ..


So he was on a dating site before you were married but while you were dating. He doesn't sound particularly trustworthy.


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