# Unhappily married and trapped abroad



## jasmine (Nov 9, 2009)

I really dont know where to start, it is a long and complicated situation but i will try and summarize.

I have been together with my husband 5 years and 3 years married. We actually met online indirectly through a mutual friend. We spoke for sometime and then he came to visit me in Europe where I lived. I did not initially think we would end up together as i just saw him as a nice friend. He persued me for some time and before i knew it we were in a long distance relationship.

We did this for 2 years and did see each other every other month during this time. After a year he proposed i accepted we initially had a registry wedding and i moved to join him in north america. We then started planning our BIG church wedding as that is how we had decided to do things. At that time we started living together and started to identify a few red flags with our personalites. We nearly called off the church wedding but decided to still do it. I guess we knew we were already married so it did not make much difference.

So since then things have been good and bad. I have struggled with making the move abroad from early days. I left my whole life including close family and friends and have always felt so alone here. We agreed before i moved that moving back to my home town would always be an option but his views have changed since i have come. I did counselling on my own for a while since i was so depressed with being here and he was so unsupportive initially. 

So anyway i tried to leave him multiple times and was very happy to do so. Some how he convinced me to stay and he promised in 2 years we could move back to my home country if this is what i really wanted.

So stupid me stayed and now things are complicated as we decided to start a family. On top of this we put a deposit down for a new build house which will be ready in 6 months. So i now have his baby and a new house on the way and feel so trapped as i realize still not happy in this marriage. But scared to say anything because of what i will have to face. He will probably never let me and his child leave the country now. I am so screwed. 

He is a good father and a good husband at times but i honestly dont feel connected to him anymore and dont even think i love him. Everything irriates me about him and even more recently.

I know my situation is complicated and i just need somewhere to vent. I cant talk to my family or close friends about it as it will make them too emotional. Especially since i am here by myself and that was my parents biggest fear when i moved.

So now i have to decide how to do this.. do i wait it out in hope we can move soon and then separate? Even though i know he probably will change his mind again. Or just start to accept a life abroad separated with my son? I dont know if i should seek international family lawyers even though it seems pointless since i know cant leave the country now without his permission. He constantly wants to work things out when iget to this stage but we always end up in the same place.

I am so scared, feel so alone and confused. I feel like i made the biggest mistake of my life and now just dont know what to do. I feel like i should have left when i had a chance and no kids involved. But i cant change the past. :-(


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## jasmine (Nov 9, 2009)

Thanks for shedding some light on the legal side. I am back at a place again where I am still not sure I want to do this. It is a tough place to be and a big decision to make. I have realized im quite confused about my feelings. One minute I feel this is the right thing to do, the next I become uncertain.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Definitely go to an attorney to figure out the custody issues, in case you do both decide to divorce.

What is it specifically that is making you so unhappy in your marriage? Is it just that the reality hasn't lived up to the dream you held on to while you were in a long-distance relationship? Is it just the lack of romance? Could there be a sense of depression or homesickness at the root of your troubles? Are you happy in your life aside from your marriage and do you have your own life apart from him or are you dependent on him for your happiness and most of your life's experiences? What are the red flags you mention in terms of personality differences? Have the two of you tried marriage counseling, at all? If you've made up your mind that this marriage is unfixable, then your only course of action is through legal channels, but I guess I'm asking why you seem to want to leave the marriage when you haven't cited anything like infidelity, lying, or excessive conflict, just a feeling of irritation and being out of love. If those things had happened, I'd suggest divorce, but as they haven't, I think it might be worthwhile to examine these problems, if only for your own sense of understanding about what it is that you want out of a relationship in the future, whether this one or another. Have you taken any steps toward repairing some of these problems, or are you walking away because it feels hopeless at this point? I would suggest trying counseling, at least as a last resort, before divorce, if you're even a little unsure about it.


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