# Wife cheating and wants divorce



## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Hello all, 
Let me start by saying that my wife wants a divorce and at first she made it seem like all my fault. (Talks about how I didn’t appreciate her, I wasn’t there enough (which is a lie), I’m not emotional enough, we don’t agree on politics and religion (which has been that since day 1, 11 years ago) and our views aren’t that much different anyways. Never been a problem before. At first I thought that I was the problem and believed most of this until I found out she has been talking to someone else. I confronted her about it and she said he’s “a good friend”. She met this guy 3 months ago (yes 3 months ago), never met him before at all. When I found out it was more than that by looking at cell phone records (almost 8,000 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks), she couldn’t deny it anymore. She asked me to not tell anyone about him because she doesn’t want ppl to know she’s out running and ruin her “picture perfect” reputation she likes.

I got the “I love you but not in love with you anymore”. “I fell out of love with you”. “He makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I never laughed with you” “I never felt the way with you that I do about him”. Again, she’s only known him a little over 3 months and the texting only started the beginning of September. She also met him at the gym/physical therapy office.

We have been together for 11 years, married for 5. We’ve known each other since elementary school and she was always the one chasing after me all the years. We had a good marriage and 11 years together so she can try to rewrite our history all she wants and make herself believe “she hasn’t been happy for awhile”, “it wouldn’t have come to this anyway even if the other guy wasn’t involved”.Everyone keeps saying that the reasons she’s giving are just excuses and not reasons to leave a marriage and that the real reason she’s leaving is because of another man. (Which I agree) She just keeps saying that everyone is using him as a crutch and that’s not her real reason. By the way I was blindsided with this as well. She never told me how she “feels” about any of this to give me any time to fix it. She also has clinical depression as well and am wondering if that has anything to do with it?

All of her family is on my side and hasn’t been speaking to her since all this started. The only ppl she’s talking to about this is her sister in law (who she’s living with), her new man & her therapist.

When she moved out, she took all of our wedding photos, wedding album & her wedding dress. Why??? Guilt??

Doesn’t this just sound like a stereotypical case of cheating and thinking the grass is greener?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's no better way to say it, but she's gone and while later she may have a change of heart you'd do well to end it, in your own mind too.

You're on the right track. From your other thread to here she sounds committed to a D.

Until gym boy moves on, then she may reach out to you as her solid foundation but be firm. 

Do now only what's best for you.

Good luck.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> There's no better way to say it, but she's gone and while later she may have a change of heart you'd do well to end it, in your own mind too.
> 
> You're on the right track. From your other thread to here she sounds committed to a D.
> 
> ...


Yeah I know she wants the divorce. I’m focusing on myself to be better when I come out of this so if she does trying to return I’ll be in a better place and make a clearer decision. She will crash and crash hard when it doesn’t work out with her new man and I’ll be the better of us then.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She sounds like a typical cheater justifying her behavior. They do that so they don’t have to admit it’s really them and not you. Be prepared for the possibility she’ll show up again one day.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

She is re-writing your marital history and relationship history simply to justify her affair.
The idea of "it would still be like this without the other man being involved" -- pure hogwash.
You absolutely SHOULD expose her affair -- not for retribution, but to make sure that SHE doesn't spin the story that your divorce is YOUR fault (you KNOW she will do that to protect her reputation).
Try to find out if the POSOM is married/GF -- you can expose it to their partner also.
REALLY sorry you are going through this, but eat, exercise, and see a lawyer. Get YOUR plan together so that you can drive the process.
Also, "I’m focusing on myself to be better when I come out of this so if she does trying to return I’ll be in a better place and make a clearer decision "
Nope you focus on this ENTIRELY for yourself -- not for her sake at all. You get YOUR plan together, present her with the D papers, and get on with your life.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> She is re-writing your marital history and relationship history simply to justify her affair.
> The idea of "it would still be like this without the other man being involved" -- pure hogwash.
> You absolutely SHOULD expose her affair -- not for retribution, but to make sure that SHE doesn't spin the story that your divorce is YOUR fault (you KNOW she will do that to protect her reputation).
> Try to find out if the POSOM is married/GF -- you can expose it to their partner also.
> ...


I have already exposed her affair to just about everyone that we know. I even went up to where he works and let them know as well. She got mad about that (go figure). He’s not married. He’s 32, single and lives at home (from what I can find out). Divorce papers have already been filed and handed over to her attorney.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Then you've got this. Get right for yourself, and while hard now, your life WILL improve. Good job on executing your plan.

BTW, she's picked a real winner -- 32 years old and lives with Mommy and Daddy! Oh boy.

Just be strong -- she WILL come back to you crying when she crashes and burns and will try to love bomb you. Just be strong.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Then you've got this. Get right for yourself, and while hard now, your life WILL improve. Good job on executing your plan.
> 
> BTW, she's picked a real winner -- 32 years old and lives with Mommy and Daddy! Oh boy.
> 
> Just be strong -- she WILL come back to you crying when she crashes and burns and will try to love bomb you. Just be strong.


Thank you. Yeah she said “I don’t know what he’s been through” lmao okay


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Obviously she's throwing you under the bus to justify her affair. My ex did the same back in 2009. 

Consider yourself fortunate that you found out about the affair and she moved out. Now it's time to put her in the rear view mirror and get on with your life. She doesn't deserve you. You are getting a 2nd chance that most people don't get. Remember that. And don't make the mistake of taking her back when her affair fizzles out...which is will.

Once I found out about my wife's affair, she was history. And life has never been better.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So please, listen to the message that I send
Don't ever talk to a girl who says she just has a friend

-Biz Markie

Sorry, just wanted to throw a little humor in.

But kidding aside it sounds like you've got this. Just consider how you might deal with her coming back crying about her "mistake" after this blows up, because it could happen.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do not give her any more than she is entitled too...let tell you a quick story, a buddy of mine was away at work came back early to surprise his wife and instead got surprised when he found them in bed....he calmly asked her is this is what she wants and she said yes so he filed for divorced, let the kids and everyone know what she did, she got a lump sum settlement, and her boyfriend used up all the funds...mind you they lived very comfortable, now she works as a cashier in Florida, the boyfriend and money is gone. the odds is that he will help her spend the money and one day move on to a woman.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Dadto2 said:


> she's throwing you under the bus to justify her affair.


That's what they all do. Everything that is "wrong" with you, is "right" with the other man. They have no idea how much this hurts us.
May God reward them according to their deeds, which are evil....


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

NHRA,

You wrote, *Thank you. Yeah she said “I don’t know what he’s been through” lmao okay *

Wow so she fell for a parasitic OM who goes from WW to WW with a job that gives him an unlimited supply of WWs. She is in for a shock when the love of her life cheats on her multiple times.

The OM has a polished routine for seducing women too, he's of the sob story type, but likely also with trimuphal stories about how he overcame all of his difficulties in life. And now your WW has made his life complete in ways no other woman ever did.

I can't believe women keep falling for these con men.

But the good news is that while she is under this guys spell you may be able to get favorable terms in the divorce.

You can even hold over her head profession exposure for Mr Wonderful.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Hello all,
> Let me start by saying that my wife wants a divorce and at first she made it seem like all my fault. (Talks about how I didn’t appreciate her, I wasn’t there enough (which is a lie), I’m not emotional enough, we don’t agree on politics and religion (which has been that since day 1, 11 years ago) and our views aren’t that much different anyways. Never been a problem before. At first I thought that I was the problem and believed most of this until I found out she has been talking to someone else. I confronted her about it and she said he’s “a good friend”. She met this guy 3 months ago (yes 3 months ago), never met him before at all. When I found out it was more than that by looking at cell phone records (almost 8,000 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks), she couldn’t deny it anymore. She asked me to not tell anyone about him because she doesn’t want ppl to know she’s out running and ruin her “picture perfect” reputation she likes.
> 
> I got the “I love you but not in love with you anymore”. “I fell out of love with you”. “He makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I never laughed with you” “I never felt the way with you that I do about him”. Again, she’s only known him a little over 3 months and the texting only started the beginning of September. She also met him at the gym/physical therapy office.
> ...


Sorry to hear...I suppose all that is left is for you to feel the pain you will inevitably feel, work on healing and getting a support system around you but at the end of the day...if she is cheating then GIVE her a divorce quickly. She is a cancer so remove it.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Hello all,
> Let me start by saying that my wife wants a divorce and at first she made it seem like all my fault. (Talks about how I didn’t appreciate her, I wasn’t there enough (which is a lie), I’m not emotional enough, we don’t agree on politics and religion (which has been that since day 1, 11 years ago) and our views aren’t that much different anyways. Never been a problem before. At first I thought that I was the problem and believed most of this until I found out she has been talking to someone else. I confronted her about it and she said he’s “a good friend”. She met this guy 3 months ago (yes 3 months ago), never met him before at all. When I found out it was more than that by looking at cell phone records (almost 8,000 text messages in 2 1/2 weeks), she couldn’t deny it anymore. She asked me to not tell anyone about him because she doesn’t want ppl to know she’s out running and ruin her “picture perfect” reputation she likes.
> 
> I got the “I love you but not in love with you anymore”. “I fell out of love with you”. “He makes me happy” “I laugh with him like I never laughed with you” “I never felt the way with you that I do about him”. Again, she’s only known him a little over 3 months and the texting only started the beginning of September. She also met him at the gym/physical therapy office.
> ...


You guys don't have any children together? Good the choice in this situation will be easy then.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

BruceBanner said:


> You guys don't have any children together? Good the choice in this situation will be easy then.


No we don’t have any kids


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

nhraracer said:


> She also has clinical depression as well and am wondering if that has anything to do with it?


Actually, it's likely that her depression is being CAUSED by her adultery. Depression occurs when people don't do what they SHOULD do. Yes, I said "SHOULD".... I know that's not "PC" - but in my humble, yet accurate, opinion, "PC" is horse$hit. 90% of the people who are "depressed" would get un-depressed if they looked at themselves in the mirror, took a moral inventory how they lived their lives, and TURN AWAY from their selfish, sinful, wicked behavior.....stop giving themselves permission to do what God has CONDEMNED.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

He lives at home? I would go have a nice chat with mommy and daddy just so they know what kind of son they have.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

I have a favourite mp3 soundbite from an hour-long interview with a guy called Homer McDonald. A very experienced therapist and counsellor. The topic was _"What to do when your wife asks for a divorce"_. 
At the end, the interviewer attempts to sum it up:

"So, step 1 is to agree?"
Homer: "Yes, absolutely"
"And what's step 2"
Homer: a bit of a pause, then, "Well, there is no ****ing step 2"
"Well, there is no ****ing step 2" has become a catchphrase for me.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Looks like you are sitting in the proverbial cats bird seat.
File swiftly. Use her mental fog to your advantage.
Take steps to build the life you always wanted, without her.
Be the man she always wanted you to be, without her.
Let her see that all she has is held you back for 11 years.
The best revenge is you living the good life.
There is an excellent chance that she will be back when she finally crashes. IF you were truly a problem, why would she take your Wedding Album? Seriously?
If she comes back you can decide if you want her back. However, you would be best advised to take a hard pass.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> No we don’t have any kids


Man, then split while you still have your sanity. 

Time spent stringing this out will only devastate you emotionally and financially. 

Swift action to start your own new best life is absolutely called for.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

You know how this plays out. The best part about this is, she's the one going for the divorce. You don't have to worry that, at a time of weakness (and it sounds like you have many of those times), you'll want to stay together and try to make it work. Thank goodness she's all-in on the divorce. Best gift she's ever given you!!!


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

TJW said:


> Actually, it's likely that her depression is being CAUSED by her adultery. Depression occurs when people don't do what they SHOULD do. Yes, I said "SHOULD".... I know that's not "PC" - but in my humble, yet accurate, opinion, "PC" is horse$hit. 90% of the people who are "depressed" would get un-depressed if they looked at themselves in the mirror, took a moral inventory how they lived their lives, and TURN AWAY from their selfish, sinful, wicked behavior.....stop giving themselves permission to do what God has CONDEMNED.


Whilst fully accepting that you are entirely entitled to your opinion, humble or otherwise, can you supply any evidence or rational construct to support your assertion that it is "accurate"?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Lol now she wants more out of the divorce than what we originally agreed on. (Thanks lawyer and her “friends”). She saw me at her parents house (which they are on my side in all this) and she started listening in on our conversation via the outside cameras and she heard some stuff she didn’t want to hear lol. She blew her parents phones up saying some hurtful things to them even though we didn’t really speak about anything that wasn’t true.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Use her desire for a quick divorce to your advantage. She wants out to go play with her man frirnd. Use that as leverage to get a fair deal. You need a lawyer. A good one.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Use her desire for a quick divorce to your advantage. She wants out to go play with her man frirnd. Use that as leverage to get a fair deal. You need a lawyer. A good one.


I already have a good lawyer. I’m the one who filed the divorce. I thought it would be quick when I had the agreement sent to her lawyer but seems she changed her mind.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

nhraracer said:


> I thought it would be quick when I had the agreement sent to her lawyer but seems she changed her mind.


Could you provide a bit more detail on how she changed her mind? Also - and please forgive me if I am being a total idiot here - how long have you two been married?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

OOPS - Sorry. I see you've been married for five years. That's not a marriage of longevity. So what is it she's changing now that you've lawyered-up?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Could you provide a bit more detail on how she changed her mind? Also - and please forgive me if I am being a total idiot here - how long have you two been married?


We had originally agreed on how much money we both got and that the house was mine. ( it was mine before we got married). Now she wants half of everything after she got her own lawyer. I did expose her affair at the place where her man works so I’m sure that’s part of it and I’m sure the lawyer put stuff in her head too.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If you live in a community property state, she is likely going to get half of all assets (and liabilities) that accrued during the marriage. If you live in an equity state, then she's SOL.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> If you live in a community property state, she is likely going to get half of all assets (and liabilities) that accrued during the marriage. If you live in an equity state, then she's SOL.


We don’t live in a community property state. We live in WV


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Then your lawyer should tell her lawyer to pound sand. Equity states generally don't make a 50/50 split on marriages of short duration.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Prodigal said:


> Then your lawyer should tell her lawyer to pound sand. Equity states generally don't make a 50/50 split on marriages of short duration.


Yeah I figured her lawyer just added a bunch of that stuff to just to see what she could get and to possibly scare me. Her lawyer knows better


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

@nhraracer - Hang tough. She and her lawyer are full of crap. After only being married for five years, she should get squat.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

It sounds like her lawyer is trying to milk all the $$ out of this that they can -- they should know better (and I'm sure they do). Unleash your lawyer and follow their advice.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Premarital assets ( and equity) are YOURS and she can't get her mitts on any of it. Don't let her!


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Also, 

I was visiting her parents last week and apparently she drove by and saw me there so she went to where she was staying and started listening to us via the webcams. I guess she heard something she didn’t want to hear and then started blowing her parents phones up saying hurtful things to them. This was last Wednesday, so earlier this week she saw the dogs outside at her parents and stopped by and started talking to the dogs and she briefly said something to her dad and he told me that she was acting normal like nothing was going on. Like she didn’t just say those things to them less than a week ago. Whenever she talks to me, she doesn’t act normal at all, she acts like it’s painful. What is this all about??


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Also,
> 
> I was visiting her parents last week and apparently she drove by and saw me there so she went to where she was staying and started listening to us via the webcams. I guess she heard something she didn’t want to hear and then started blowing her parents phones up saying hurtful things to them. This was last Wednesday, so earlier this week she saw the dogs outside at her parents and stopped by and started talking to the dogs and she briefly said something to her dad and he told me that she was acting normal like nothing was going on. Like she didn’t just say those things to them less than a week ago. Whenever she talks to me, she doesn’t act normal at all, she acts like it’s painful. What is this all about??



Why are you even worried about it?

You should be well on the way to a D.

Concern yourself with, well, yourself.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Why are you even worried about it?
> 
> You should be well on the way to a D.
> 
> Concern yourself with, well, yourself.


I’m just curious. Yeah I have an appt with the lawyer next week to send back my counter offer to her counter offer lol.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> I’m just curious. Yeah I have an appt with the lawyer next week to send back my counter offer to her counter offer lol.


This is a hard step but you can do it.

It's now all about you and making your single life better. Future you will thank today's you for just ignoring her crap. There's no logic, common sense, or rationalizing her actions now, just ignore it.

Best,


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> This is a hard step but you can do it.
> 
> It's now all about you and making your single life better. Future you will thank today's you for just ignoring her crap. There's no logic, common sense, or rationalizing her actions now, just ignore it.
> 
> Best,


Thank you. I know I’d go crazy trying to figure out what she’s thinking/doing right now. I guess she has to deal with the guilt some way.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It doesn’t matter why she does what she does. She may not even know. Tell yourself it doesn’t matter because it doesn’t. Your job is to move on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Thank you. I know I’d go crazy trying to figure out what she’s thinking/doing right now. I guess she has to deal with the guilt some way.


You’re wasting your own mental energy and sanity.

She may not feel much guilt. Most cheaters don’t.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

oldshirt said:


> You’re wasting your own mental energy and sanity.
> 
> She may not feel much guilt. Most cheaters don’t.


I agree. Must cheaters rationalize their horrid behavior by demonizing their spouse. They’ll come up with lots of examples of every single negative thing their spouse has ever done and bombard their friends as if these horrid things were a constant occurrence, wowing them and causing them to say all kinds of things. The cheater now feels justified in their actions and no guilt.

cheaters spin everything.... I never loved you, have been out of love with you for years, etc etc. it’s all BS that helps them relieve their guilt. Don’t listen to any of it.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree. Must cheaters rationalize their horrid behavior by demonizing their spouse. They’ll come up with lots of examples of every single negative thing their spouse has ever done and bombard their friends as if these horrid things were a constant occurrence, wowing them and causing them to say all kinds of things. The cheater now feels justified in their actions and no guilt.
> 
> cheaters spin everything.... I never loved you, have been out of love with you for years, etc etc. it’s all BS that helps them relieve their guilt. Don’t listen to any of it.


Thanks


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Well she’s already trying to bring her new bf down to her parents house (we aren’t divorced yet) She wants them to “try” with him. They told her no way of course. He wants to come down and “talk” to her dad about what’s going on. 😂 

I know this isn’t important but I thought it was funny and shows how much of fairytale land she’s in


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Well her and her new "man" aren't spending Thanksgiving together lol. Seems like another red flag she's overlooking. She told her mom last week that she doesn't hate me and she would still do anything she could if I asked her to. LOL WHY


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

nhraracer said:


> Well her and her new "man" aren't spending Thanksgiving together lol. Seems like another red flag she's overlooking. She told her mom last week that she doesn't hate me and she would still do anything she could if I asked her to. LOL WHY


Well, if you're looking for an exhaustive list, don't think I can provide that, but if I were to guess: 

She's starting to realize how she blew up her life, and wants to try and repair what will be the remains of it. The degree to which she realizes though is anyone's guess. She may want to keep a foot in both camps, you as the husband, him as the lover? Or she wants to return completely. And if I were to guess, hope constant sex will win you back. 
Or maybe she met with her lawyer and realized (based on what you said) that she doesn't have the claim she thought she did. Her lawyer only told her what she wanted to hear, because he wanted to rack up those billable hours. 
The OM could also be a problem. Not spending Thanksgiving together is a big red flag, especially if he lives with his parents (can't remember if you said this was the case or not), perhaps they told him they don't want her at Thanksgiving? Or he's spending it with his actual girlfriend? Or he is just one of those terrible human beings that hooks up with whoever he can find, and stays with them until he gets bored and moves on. 

The list goes on and on for the reasons. I'm sure you have a much better idea than I do.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> She told her mom last week that she doesn't hate me


So isn't that nice of her that SHE doesn't hate YOU for her having an affair. Entitled much? IT's still all about her....


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Well her and her new "man" aren't spending Thanksgiving together lol. Seems like another red flag she's overlooking. She told her mom last week that she doesn't hate me and she would still do anything she could if I asked her to. LOL WHY


Again, stop wasting your time and mental energies on her. Use your time and energies on moving forward with your own life.

Here is the danger - the fastest way for an affair of a WW to come to an end of for her to become a single woman. 

If this OM wanted a single woman, he would have already had one. OM don’t hook up with married women despite them being married; they hook up with them BECAUSE they are married. 

OM just want the high energy sex and fun. They don’t want to unclog their toilets, change their flats or the million other domestic and child rearing chores that a single woman will ultimately expect in a relationship. 

Very few affairs survive a divorce. 

He has likely already told her he isn’t looking for anything committed or exclusive and may already be getting with other chicks.

The problem is she is going to try to come back and she is going to use nasty sex and hysterical bonding to do it ......... and she’s going to conveniently forget her birth control. 

Don’t fall for it. Do not knock her up so you have to shell out 16 years of child support and alimony when she cheats again. 

If you want to have a few anger shags on her, whatever you do, don’t cum inside her. Only anal, BJ or with a condom and flush it yourself. 

But my main recommendation is put your eyes on your new horizons and keep moving forward and don’t waste any more time or energies or what’s going on in her disordered world. She is no longer your problem or concern.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Broken at 20 said:


> Well, if you're looking for an exhaustive list, don't think I can provide that, but if I were to guess:
> 
> She's starting to realize how she blew up her life, and wants to try and repair what will be the remains of it. The degree to which she realizes though is anyone's guess. She may want to keep a foot in both camps, you as the husband, him as the lover? Or she wants to return completely. And if I were to guess, hope constant sex will win you back.
> Or maybe she met with her lawyer and realized (based on what you said) that she doesn't have the claim she thought she did. Her lawyer only told her what she wanted to hear, because he wanted to rack up those billable hours.
> ...


True. Who knows lol. I think it’s funny that they aren’t spending the first major holiday together or part of it.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> So isn't that nice of her that SHE doesn't hate YOU for her having an affair. Entitled much? IT's still all about her....


Exactly. Why would she HATE me?? LOL


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Again, stop wasting your time and mental energies on her. Use your time and energies on moving forward with your own life.
> 
> Here is the danger - the fastest way for an affair of a WW to come to an end of for her to become a single woman.
> 
> ...


I’m not worrying about this. I heard from someone else without asking. I figured I would share since I thought it was comical. First major holiday not together??? LOL We have our first court date the end of this month so hopefully it’s over that day.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would she hate you? Because you’re to blame (in her eyes) for every bad thing in life. But she’s being sooo magnanimous by saying she doesn’t really hate you — even though she could. That gets her loads of brownie points, she thinks. And softens you up — just in case.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Openminded said:


> Why would she hate you? Because you’re to blame (in her eyes) for every bad thing in life. But she’s being sooo magnanimous by saying she doesn’t really hate you — even though she could. That gets her loads of brownie points, she thinks. And softens you up — just in case.


Oh yeah you are right, I am to blame for everything 🙄. I’m not getting soft because she said that lol. She’s done what she’s done and now she can’t have it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Are you going to let her come back? 
bevayse she’s going to want to.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Are you going to let her come back?
> bevayse she’s going to want to.


Why do you think she is?
No I won’t not at this time


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Her AP is going to dump her


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her AP is going to dump her


That would be hilarious. She thinks that they are soulmates. “He feels so bad about the situation”. “They have so much in common”.

Oh and he’s not the type of person to tell her to leave a marriage either 🙄. Her decision to leave was 100% her own (so she says)


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Our first hearing is this coming week so we will see how it goes.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her AP is going to dump her


Then She’ll be looking for a soft place to land. A lot like you will then say “I need to at least try to give a chance just to see”. She may become the woman of my dreams now (eye roll).

Repeats happen all the time bud. Better wake up to reality. 

How‘d you like getting cheated on The first time? Think it’ll be better when she does it again?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> Then She’ll be looking for a soft place to land. A lot like you will then say “I need to at least try to give a chance just to see”. She may become the woman of my dreams now (eye roll).
> 
> Repeats happen all the time bud. Better wake up to reality.
> 
> How‘d you like getting cheated on The first time? Think it’ll be better when she does it again?


Well she thinks it’s going to be forever 🙄. He understands her and she’s never felt this way before 🙄. She moved out real quick once this all started. He’s “wonderful”


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your wife is showing classic signs of buyer remorse. She got what she wanted but unfortunately it wasn’t what lover boy wanted. 
There’s an old thread on tam by a poster called hantei, you should look for it and read it, it will give you an idea of what you’re probably going to be facing in the future. Your wife will try to reconcile and will definitely make the divorce as difficult as possible. Hantei is an example to all betrayed men on how to act during and after discovering his wife was cheating.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife is showing classic signs of buyer remorse. She got what she wanted but unfortunately it wasn’t what lover boy wanted.
> There’s an old thread on tam by a poster called hantei, you should look for it and read it, it will give you an idea of what you’re probably going to be facing in the future. Your wife will try to reconcile and will definitely make the divorce as difficult as possible. Hantei is an example to all betrayed men on how to act during and after discovering his wife was cheating.


What signs are you talking about?
The two of them are still hot and heavy from what I understand


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

nhraracer said:


> That would be hilarious. She thinks that they are soulmates.
> *Soulmates huh? I’m vomiting a little... yeah, she’s a two-bit cheater doing another guy, and he’s acting like screwing a married woman is morally ok as long as he “feels bad about the situation”.*
> *Then the “not the type of person to tell a woman to leave her marriage”????? Wtf?
> It’s ok to screw her, just not ok to tell her to divorce? Omg the force is strong with this one. The force of cognitive dissonance going berserk while he tries to spin his horrid, obvious lack of character into something that makes him look like a “great guy”??????*
> ...


You aren’t in the right frame of mind YET, but one day, I promise you, you will see what a gift your trashy wife is giving you, basically forcing you to divorce her, I’d give her what she wanted.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> What signs are you talking about?
> The two of them are still hot and heavy from what I understand


Her telling her parents that she doesn’t hate you is a lot more significant than you think. You need to understand that what you’re seeing in her affair is not what she’s seeing. As far as she’s concerned she’s the heroine in a great romantic epic and she’s been forced to choose between her husband and the great love of her life. The fact that she’s cheating is an insignificant detail, its what people call being in the fog.
Lover boy is probably now getting the jitters because he doesn’t want anything permanent and your wife is starting to realize that she ****ed up big time. She obviously can’t come crawling back so she’s going to offer you the chance to back down and start romancing her again. 
Don’t be an idiot!


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> Her telling her parents that she doesn’t hate you is a lot more significant than you think. You need to understand that what you’re seeing in her affair is not what she’s seeing. As far as she’s concerned she’s the heroine in a great romantic epic and she’s been forced to choose between her husband and the great love of her life. The fact that she’s cheating is an insignificant detail, its what people call being in the fog.
> Lover boy is probably now getting the jitters because he doesn’t want anything permanent and your wife is starting to realize that she ****ed up big time. She obviously can’t come crawling back so she’s going to offer you the chance to back down and start romancing her again.
> Don’t be an idiot!


Ohhh I see. Well we have our first divorce hearing the week, so we will see how that goes. She herself told me that she doesn’t hate me a few weeks after this started. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Should be interesting times ahead lol
Oh and she said she would still do anything she could for me if I asked her to. 😏


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

nhraracer said:


> Ohhh I see. Well we have our first divorce hearing the week, so we will see how that goes. She herself told me that she doesn’t hate me a few weeks after this started. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Should be interesting times ahead lol


If you think that she’s not cooperating and trying to make things difficult you could always play along with her delusions. Explain to her that for your own self esteem you need to divorce but you could hint that a reconciliation could be on the cards in the future. 
When you get your divorce you can then ghost her.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Andy1001 said:


> If you think that she’s not cooperating and trying to make things difficult you could always play along with her delusions. Explain to her that for your own self esteem you need to divorce but you could hint that a reconciliation could be on the cards in the future.
> When you get your divorce you can then ghost her.


For sure, before I would ever consider any reconciling the divorce would have to be done. I’ll see this week what she’s really looking for and if she’s gonna make it difficult or not.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> Ohhh I see. Well we have our first divorce hearing the week, so we will see how that goes. She herself told me that she doesn’t hate me a few weeks after this started. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Should be interesting times ahead lol
> Oh and she said she would still do anything she could for me if I asked her to. 😏


And you should remind her that when he dumps her you will do nothing for for ever....in other words never come knock on my door.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Lostinthought61 said:


> And you should remind her that when he dumps her you will do nothing for for ever....in other words never come knock on my door.


Ohhh she’s already said “you would love to see it not work out wouldn’t you” LOL why TF would I want to see it work out???


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Oh and she said she would still do anything she could for me if I asked her to.


Ask her for a quick divorce, I'm sure she'll oblige


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Ask her for a quick divorce, I'm sure she'll oblige


Oh this has all been quick. If all goes well this week, we will be divorced. Would have only been about 2.5 months since the start of this


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

nhraracer said:


> Oh this has all been quick. If all goes well this week, we will be divorced. Would have only been about 2.5 months since the start of this


This is key. As long as she is still in the "fog" of the affair (so the term goes), she'll be anxious to finish the divorce, too, so that she can be with lover-boy. Therefore, she'll be less likely to fight to the death over every detail like you see in some divorces. Use her "affair fog" to your advantage to expedite the divorce as fast as possible, before she changes her mind. 

Once the divorce is finalized, you're in a win-win position. If she regrets her cheating, it would be too late to use a prolonged divorce fight to try to wear you down and keep you as "Plan B", the backup sucker in case her affair didn't work out. But even if her romance with Lover-Boy does work out for her (at least in the short term), and she rides off into the sunset with him, you've still divested yourself of a self-serving cheater. Either way, you have shed this parasite.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just remember this: You cannot get her signature on a divorce settlement fast enough. Every single second counts.

You’ve been given good advice to take advantage of her desire to get free to her soulmate in order to get a fair divorce.

I assure you, once the soulmate runs off and her security blanket is removed, she will take you for a ride. Every second counts.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> This is key. As long as she is still in the "fog" of the affair (so the term goes), she'll be anxious to finish the divorce, too, so that she can be with lover-boy. Therefore, she'll be less likely to fight to the death over every detail like you see in some divorces. Use her "affair fog" to your advantage to expedite the divorce as fast as possible, before she changes her mind.
> 
> Once the divorce is finalized, you're in a win-win position. If she regrets her cheating, it would be too late to use a prolonged divorce fight to try to wear you down and keep you as "Plan B", the backup sucker in case her affair didn't work out. But even if her romance with Lover-Boy does work out for her (at least in the short term), and she rides off into the sunset with him, you've still divested yourself of a self-serving cheater. Either way, you have shed this parasite.


That’s definitely what I am going for. That’s why I’m trying to get this done ASAP. I am really hoping it’s finalized this week


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> Just remember this: You cannot get her signature on a divorce settlement fast enough. Every single second counts.
> 
> You’ve been given good advice to take advantage of her desire to get free to her soulmate in order to get a fair divorce.
> 
> I assure you, once the soulmate runs off and her security blanket is removed, she will take you for a ride. Every second counts.


Oh yeah. That’s why I’m pushing for this ASAP. I’m hoping it will be finalized this week. Lol we will see if she tries to come back


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

No contact is your best friend. Don’t see or speak to her unless you absolutely have to and then keep it direct and to the point. It will clear your mind and help you see more clearly.

everyone who goes through this discovers the importance of “NO CONTACT“.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The smart ones figure out quick. You just let them go.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> No contact is your best friend. Don’t see or speak to her unless you absolutely have to and then keep it direct and to the point. It will clear your mind and help you see more clearly.
> 
> everyone who goes through this discovers the importance of “NO CONTACT“.


Oh yeah. I only speak to her when absolutely need be.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

nhraracer said:


> Ohhh I see. Well we have our first divorce hearing the week, so we will see how that goes. She herself told me that she doesn’t hate me a few weeks after this started. 🤷🏼‍♂️ Should be interesting times ahead lol
> Oh and *she said she would still do anything she could for me if I asked her to*. 😏


That's a laugh. Ask her to agree to all your demands about keeping all the assets and paying no support to her and to sign the divorce promptly, so you can get it all over with in one divorce hearing, and go your separate ways cleanly and quickly. Test that sincerity, lol.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Well it was finalized today. I kept the house, all my cars. No spousal support, no retirements split up and just gave her a little more money.
Outside when we were done, we were talking she said “if you need anything, let me know”, then give me a hug and kiss....🤯


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You don’t realize it yet but you just killed the affair. 

Unless Mr Soulmate is a real chump himself, he is likely going to dump her shortly or she will at least catch him banging other chicks. 

The quickest way to send an OM packing is to make her a single woman who wants someone to change her flats and unclog the toilet and get her diarrhea medicine when she’s sick. 

Those used to be YOUR jobs as the chump BH. Unless he is a real beta that can’t get any other chicks, he will soon grow tired of all that. 

She will turn up back on your doorstep like an old, stray farm cat. 

Be prepared for that and have a game plan in place.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> You don’t realize it yet but you just killed the affair.
> 
> Unless Mr Soulmate is a real chump himself, he is likely going to dump her shortly or she will at least catch him banging other chicks.
> 
> ...


Possibly so. He’s a Star Wars nerd (not knocking Star Wars fans lol) so I don’t think he has women flocking on him. Everyone I’ve shown his picture has said “WTF, she left you for that??”


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Possibly so. He’s a Star Wars nerd (not knocking Star Wars fans lol) so I don’t think he has women flocking on him. Everyone I’ve shown his picture has said “WTF, she left you for that??”


Well maybe he is a chump and a Captain-Save-Ho and might cling on her then. 

But she’s not your problem anymore. He’s the one that has to unclog the toilet snd change her flats in the rain now. Not your problem.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> Well maybe he is a chump and a Captain-Save-Ho and might cling on her then.
> 
> But she’s not your problem anymore. He’s the one that has to unclog the toilet snd change her flats in the rain now. Not your problem.


Yeah we shall see lol


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

nhraracer said:


> Well it was finalized today. I kept the house, *all my cars*. No spousal support, no retirements split up and just gave her a little more money.
> Outside when we were done, we were talking she said “if you need anything, let me know”, then give me a hug and kiss....🤯


Women and cars. Sooner or later they gonna give ya trouble. Except with cars you can shove in the garage and get to it when your good darn ready.

Sorry this is happened but hey, you pretty much stayed intact with your things.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Wait until he goes through her money.....once the money is gone so will he....I have seen this over and over again....this exact thing happen to my buddy....today his ex wife is working as a cashier at 7-11....from having several homes and never working.....her boy toy made her use up all the money and moved on.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Well it was finalized today. I kept the house, all my cars. No spousal support, no retirements split up and just gave her a little more money.
> Outside when we were done, we were talking she said “if you need anything, let me know”, then give me a hug and kiss....🤯


Congrats -- sounds like financially you came out of this ok.
Hopefully you don't need any further contact with her? If NOT, then make it so! Block her from your phone, social media, etc.. and ignore that she was ever part of your life.
Don't give her any opportunity to come back.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Congrats -- sounds like financially you came out of this ok.
> Hopefully you don't need any further contact with her? If NOT, then make it so! Block her from your phone, social media, etc.. and ignore that she was ever part of your life.
> Don't give her any opportunity to come back.


Yes financially I am good with all this. I still need to talk to her here and there for some things before they get all done but I won’t be striking up any convos for sure


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

Good for you buddy, I always love a happy ending.
Good luck going forward.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

shortbus said:


> Good for you buddy, I always love a happy ending.
> Good luck going forward.


Thank you


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

nhraracer said:


> Well it was finalized today. I kept the house, all my cars. No spousal support, no retirements split up and just gave her a little more money.
> Outside when we were done, we were talking she said “if you need anything, let me know”, then give me a hug and kiss....🤯


Dude. You got the best deal imaginable. You're the envy of every divorced guy.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Dude. You got the best deal imaginable. You're the envy of every divorced guy.


Yeah I feel like I did good financially in this


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

nhraracer said:


> Yeah I feel like I did good financially in this


Now go and buy yourself a lottery ticket... With the amount of luck you are currently having it couldn't hurt...

But for God sake if you win don't tell a soul!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Hope you noticed the bullet go whizzing by - the one that you just dodged! Congratulations!


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Luminous said:


> Now go and buy yourself a lottery ticket... With the amount of luck you are currently having it couldn't hurt...
> 
> But for God sake if you win don't tell a soul!


Good thinking I might have to!


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Hope you noticed the bullet go whizzing by - the one that you just dodged! Congratulations!


That’s what my lawyer said! Lol


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You took advantage of a narrow window of guilt that she has for treating you like this. Bravo. I’ll bet my next paycheck she will see a lawyer soon to find out how to gouge you. But if it’s finalized, the attorney will tell her she’s SOL. You lucked out. Had you try to nice her back, the divorce deal you got after she became disgusted with you for being such a weakling and lost all guilt, you’d be getting the shaft.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

nhraracer said:


> Well it was finalized today. I kept the house, all my cars. No spousal support, no retirements split up and just gave her a little more money.
> *Outside when we were done, we were talking she said “if you need anything, let me know”, then give me a hug and kiss....🤯*


we should have warned you this would happen. They always like to try and clear their conscience a bit.
she tries it again just think of where her mouth has been!

her AP maybe dumb, ugly and a dork but she picked him over you.

work on no contact and letting her go.

if you want to move on fully.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Marc878 said:


> we should have warned you this would happen. They always like to try and clear their conscience a bit.
> she tries it again just think of where her mouth has been!
> 
> her AP maybe dumb, ugly and a dork but she picked him over you.
> ...


Yeah I really don’t have any reason to contact her other than finishing up sorting a few things out


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

It’s just crazy how all this has only been going on for about 2 1/2 months since we separated and now divorced 🤯


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

nhraracer said:


> It’s just crazy how all this has only been going on for about 2 1/2 months since we separated and now divorced 🤯


Count yourself lucky it was that quick!


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

manfromlamancha said:


> Count yourself lucky it was that quick!


Yeah I guess so


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Still just blows my mind how something we had for so long ended so fast 🤯. I really don’t get it


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

nhraracer said:


> Still just blows my mind how something we had for so long ended so fast 🤯. I really don’t get it


You never will get it. Until you get over grieving your loss and move forward to rebuilding your life, you won’t get over the pain. Like I said, you will never understand it, and you’ll never get it. Your mind doesn’t work like a cheater’s. It is what it is. There’s no understanding it. You’ll never get why. Please don’t try.

Kick her off the pedestal and focus on yourself and getting your life straightened out and forget her. She is not the person you thought. Admit that, let it go in your mind, focus on your future. It’s a helluva lot brighter than it feels today, I promise.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> You never will get it. Until you get over grieving your loss and move forward to rebuilding your life, you won’t get over the pain. Like I said, you will never understand it, and you’ll never get it. Your mind doesn’t work like a cheater’s. It is what it is. There’s no understanding it. You’ll never get why. Please don’t try.
> 
> Kick her off the pedestal and focus on yourself and getting your life straightened out and forget her. She is not the person you thought. Admit that, let it go in your mind, focus on your future. It’s a helluva lot brighter than it feels today, I promise.


Thanks, it’s nice to know this feeling won’t be forever


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Lol she mailed me a bunch of photos she had made of our bunny we had. He was our “child” if you will. (Like all pets are). Then she put a note in there that ended with “as always, if you ever need anything or me to do something, please let me know” 🙄


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Why would you need anything from a lying, cheating, betraying skank like her?

Oh right! You wouldn't. Ghost her and get on with life.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Be the gray rock.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> Lol she mailed me a bunch of photos she had made of our bunny we had. He was our “child” if you will. (Like all pets are). Then she put a note in there that ended with “as always, if you ever need anything or me to do something, please let me know” 🙄


She’s trying to maintain her self image that she still matters and plays an important role in your life. 

Show her otherwise.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

Nailhead said:


> Be the gray rock.


What do you mean by that?


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

oldshirt said:


> She’s trying to maintain her self image that she still matters and plays an important role in your life.
> 
> Show her otherwise.


Oh I plan on it


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Only thing I'll add is for you to get tested for STDs. She could have infected you and you may not know it.

Good luck in your new life.

BTW, toss the bunny pictures for crissakes. Don't let her rent space in your head.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

michzz said:


> Only thing I'll add is for you to get tested for STDs. She could have infected you and you may not know it.
> 
> Good luck in your new life.
> 
> BTW, toss the bunny pictures for crissakes. Don't let her rent space in your head.


Thanks. He was our pet not just hers


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

nhraracer said:


> What do you mean by that?


Here is one article on gray rock:








Try the ‘Gray Rock Method,’ a Foolproof Technique to Shut Down Toxic People


It’s not always possible to cut every toxic person out of your life—and that’s when the “gray rock method” comes in handy. Here’s how to do it.




www.purewow.com





I'm sure there are tons more.


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## nhraracer (Sep 11, 2020)

jlg07 said:


> Here is one article on gray rock:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Okay thanks


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