# Emotionally Selfish Partner?



## lookingforhelp1982 (Jun 28, 2012)

I'm at a turning point in my relationship and I don't really know what to do. I have been with my significant other for about 2 years now. We recently had a son born last week. I love him! But, the pregnancy was a sort of eye opener that shed light on the true character of my girlfriend. I believe she is "emotionally selfish" / emotionally controlling and I am interested in opinions on whether or not I am overreacting or if my realization is valid. 

I did not realize or chose to ignore possible warning signs pre-pregnancy and her behaviors/the way she treated me durin the pregnancy were magnified and I definitely notice them now. Maybe it's the permenamcy of the situation with having a child with her, I don't know. I see how patient and loving she is with our son, which I am extremely grateful for! And I see all the people that love her, mainly friends, her relationship is a bit strained with her family. And I wonder why I dont get that nice side of her more regularly. She says she loves me so much all the time but her actions don't reflect that at times. I would say about 60% of the time the relationship is good to great, 25% it's ok (i.e. she's not mean or selfish but not awesome either), and 15% horrible to the point I can't take it anymore. The 15% is ruining it for me though and I find myself getting bitter and angry toward the way I am treated. It's to the point where I am losing respect for myself by allowing this behavior to happen to me. Examples are probably the best way to describe my situation so I'll break it down pre-pregnancy and during pregnancy. 

PRE-PREGNANCY: She is a bit of a pistol and speaks her mind, but she regularly makes mean spirited and negative comments generally. But if you do anything to her she quickly jumps down your throat. For example, I was cleaning the bedroom while she was workin on the computer and I ACCIDENTALLY unplugged the computer looking for an outlet for the vacuume. She flipped out, slammed the desk, stormed off, slamming doors as she went. Whoah, I thought. I tried to calm her down because I thought she lost some important work due to her excessive reaction and I felt bad. She told me she couldn't believe I did that and was tired of my laziness. I later found out she was only cruising the Internet to pass time. 

She constantly wanted me to pick out clothes for her (though not so much anymore) saying that I should now what looks good on her. I can barely pick out outfits for myself let alone for a women. She then tells me that I don't tell her she looks good often enough and that she is fat. She weighed 125-130 pounds at the time, not fat at all. Similarly, she asks me to help her find her black sandals, so I do. I'm a little red-green color blind and can't differentiate dark brown from black unless I have good lighting. So I bring what I believe is the sandals she is looking for and she, with a look of disgust and a HORRIBLE tone, tells me I brought her the black ones and she needs the brown ones. 

We often take showers together and she likes the water super hot all the time, even in summer. After mowing the grass in the heat she asks me to take a shower with her. I'm super hot and sweaty so I ask her if she is going to take a hot or cold shower. She says, and I quote, "do whatever you want. I'm sick of your f-ing questions!" 

We went out of town for a wedding and were driving back pretty late. We stopped to get gas so I filled up the tank the. Told her I was going to run to the bathroom and she flipped out because she wanted to get going. 

Anytime we clean the house if I deviate from the order she wants me to clean she turns into a bully and tells me that only her way of cleaning will do. For example, I shouldn't sweep the floor in a room because we are cleaning everything first then sweeping floors and that we need to stay on track. A few minutes after she said we need to concentrate on cleaning in a particilar order and not go on tangents, she is reorganizing the cabinets and making a huge mess. Every time we do work together, the way I do something is wrong and we need to do it her way. So bizarre. 

She tells me that I need to put my shoes, etc. away because hey get in the way. Ok, not a big deal. I can do that. The. She leaves out a three-step step stool in the middle of the kitchen. For two days I don't say anything then finally ask her to put it off to the side because it's in the way. She tells me that she doesn't want to because the. It's not conveniently accessible. I ask her why I have to put things away and she doesn't and she tells me she hates me. Hate is a strong word in my book. 

On my birthday she gave me a $40 Lowes gift card that I used toward buying a $250 grill. I later found out that she regifted this to me from a gift card someone else gave her. On our one year anniversary, I got her a nice, framed picture of us, a nice Tiffany gemstone bracelet, flowers and a card and planned a nice dinner at one of our favorite restaurants. She was upset that I did not plan anything more special. She did not get me anything, except for a card which she bought the next day and she never wore and evetually lost the bracelet. DURING PREGNANCY (sorry to combine but it applies here) she completely forgot my birthday and did not get me anything. No big deal, shes pregnant, right? I wanted to go out for a steak at a certain, local steak house I was excited to try and we ended up going to a chain steak house because she likes the bread there. Sigh. 

I told her that my good friend's wife's mother passed away and that he wanted me to go to the wake. She said cool, we'll go together. The next day when it's time to go, she starts complaining about how she doesn't have anything to wear and that it will be awkward at the wake because we dot really know my friend's wife's mother who passed. She went so far as to say, and I quote, "why do we have to go to this stupid f-ing thing." I am furious at her behavior but try to console her. She apologizes and blames it on her bad mood due to pms. As we get in the car to go, her male friend from out of town calls and she is lively and nice on the phone with him, even though she said she was in a bad mood. She's hungry so we stop for food. Still on the phone, she asks me to go in and get her food so she can stay in the car and finish the conversation. At this point I am beyond furious and tell her off a bit, slam the door and get a burger. She apologized a bit when I got back to the car. 

Maybe a week or two after we met, I took a professional licensure exam and my ex who also took it texted me about how hard it was. I responded saying that it was hard. Innocent enough, but admittedly maybe innapropriate since I did like her quite a bit. She ended up seeing that I texted my ex back and I offered to show her the text, she did t want to see it, and apologized. She hold this over my head for MONTHS. Even to the point of calling me out on it at a friend's BBQ sayin that she doesn't believe in talking to ex's and stuff like that is a deal breaker in her book, etc., etc. pretty much making me look like an ass. I later found out that she has been intermittently texting her ex who lives several states away. There was not a ton of texts, but she responded to his and even sent the first once. This led to a huge fight mainly over the double standard. 

DURING PREGNANCY: The regular just mean spirited little comments continue and are more frquent and harsher. 

I was looking through a junk drawer, literally just looking to see what was in it, not for anything particular. She asked me what I was looking for and I said "oh nothing. I'm just looking." Again with a look of disgust and HORRIBLE tone she says, "you're obviously looking for something! What is it?!" I explain that I was just looking to see what was in the junk drawer. She gets super aggressive, cussing and demands that I tell her what I am looking for. I tell her to calm down and stop being so mean. She tells me to stop being so defensive and grow some balls. Ha! I just have to laugh at that one looking back! 

I lost my job as a recently graduated professional and could find another for about a month until I decided to take a job landscaping, making $12 an hour just do I'd bring something home. (it was actually weirdly refreshing working outside after being in classrooms and an office). The job market was horrible and Nobody would hire me for a decent paying job while i looked for a job in my field because I was "overqualified" and they knew i would leave as soon as I found a good job. She found out she was pregnant shortly after. I can honestly say I tried my hardest to find a job in my field as soon as I possibly could. She did tell me that she was proud of me for swallowing my pride and working even though I was grossly over qualified. However, that mentality toward me quickly changed. She later told me "you make me sick," "you disgust me," "I was fine by myself and I f-ed that all up," that I'm lazy, that we have different values and work ethic, that she didn't think she would have to settle. That was truky hurtful, especially coming from someone I love so much. She passed it off as hormones and told me that I need to understand better what she is going through when I tried to tell her that that hurt me. She was constantly worried about me not having enough money to pay my half of the bills and held it against me that she had to pay more than i did. The most supportive thing she said to me was "I dont know how someone as smart as you can't find a better job." Which is really an underhanded insult if you think about it. I now work at my dream job at a fortune 500 company and she is talking about wantin to quit her job to stay at home with our son. 

During a converstion with her mother about her mother's past relationships and infedelity. My GF looks at me and says "if you ever cheat on me, I will kill you." (Ok. Please, no body flop out on this one. I do NOT feel in danger AT ALL). She threatened to kill me three times. I have NEVER done ANYTHING even close to remotely making her even think that I woild cheat on her. That was the third time she said something like this and this time, due to the way she said it I almost believed her. When I later asked her about it, and how even ifthat was a joke, I didn't think that was a healthy way to talk to your partner. She cried and blamed it on pregnancy hormones. 

There are more little occurences, but these are the big ones.

In my opinion this behavior is unexceptable (what do you think). I feel like my partner should be supportive and ot the one attacking me. Do I have to give up my self respect because she is pregnant? Anytime i try and talk to her calmly, it goes south quick and I give up because I don't want to stress her out while she's pregnant and now recovering and hormonal from having a baby. I feel like I can't defend myself and holding my tongue and being supportive to her while she is goig through a tough time is beginning to take its toll. 

Sorry for the rant. What do you all think of this? Thanks in advance!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Honey, I don't want to throw stones at your partner, but she sounds kind of awful to you -- and this kind of behavior usually doesn't get any better.

I have no idea what to advise now that you have a child.


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## lookingforhelp1982 (Jun 28, 2012)

My bad on the typos. I'm writing this from my iPhone while waiting for a flight...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lookingforhelp1982 (Jun 28, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Honey, I don't want to throw stones at your partner, but she sounds kind of awful to you -- and this kind of behavior usually doesn't get any better.
> 
> I have no idea what to advise now that you have a child.


I hear you, lamaga. I threw a tough one at you! Maybe you can give me your perspective on how much a man should take while taking care of his pregnant significant other. Do women get a blank check to treat their men any way they want? Telling me she would kill me if I cheated inner when I have done nothing even remotely close to even make her think that I would is over the line to me! But. Admittedly, I don't know what women go through, so I don't know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I see a few of myself in what you are describbing... Granted I don't treat my husband like that anymore at ALL!!! when I acted that way it was during a time when he was drinking, lieing and cheating on me I was extremely bitter towards him for ruining honestly a perfect marriage (alot of information and I dont want to go into it lol). Now that doesn't excuse my meanness to him and I am not guilty of all that you are describeing not even close just the short temper.

Some of it seems like she is either BP or is having an affair.... No woman would be that hateful and find it ok to talk to an ex for as long as she did, putting him over you...that's questionable. And not to mention is she possibly chemically imbalance? my family has a history of it and I see a few red flags. Also unfortunately you have really let her walk on you you need to talk to her about her behavior dont start with pointing a finger ask her why she is so unhappy with you and then that will give you a door into the conversation.


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## in my tree (Jun 9, 2012)

I am with lamaga on this - she does sound awful and mean to you. Pregnancy is NOT an excuse for this, especially because she has been like that pre-pregnancy. 

I know that having a child together changes a lot however you will need to decide if you can continue to put up with her behavior. Frankly she sounds like a candidate for an anger management program! Could you talk to her about her behavior and discuss the possibility of getting into some sort of counseling? Even marriages/relationships that are good can benefit from sort of counseling tune up so this might be a good way to get her into the idea of going.

It's good to hear that she is kind to you at least 60% of the time and that she is sweet to your son. There is hope!


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## lookingforhelp1982 (Jun 28, 2012)

I don't think she's bipolar, though I'm no psychologist. She is just super hard on me at times and, like I said emotionally selfish with her double standards and disregard for how her actions affect my feelings. Her mom is a recovered alcoholic and has been married at least three times that i know about. Pretty much her mom is a bit of a mess and i think that her behavior stems from that. I see the same way she treats her in the way she treats me. It's just hard because the relationship is really good for a while the there's the cycle of negativity and harshness when she gets anxious about something or I don't do something the way she wants it done. It's like I'm somehow incompetent because I do things differently. It's hard to know if its worth working on or to move on especially since all I hear is that a woman cannot control her hormones during pregnancy and I just have to deal with it. I'd like to think shes capable of treating me better all the time, but i honestly dont know if she is since ahe was that way, to a lesser extent, before getong pregnant (again this is only like 15% of the time - but its enough to ruin it for me).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry, you can try to dress it up any way you like (emotionally selfish), but she is abusive toward you, period. And selfish, period.

Do NOT under any circumstances marry this woman unless you want a living hell on earth for the rest of your married days. Personally, I'd leave someone who treated me like that.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> It's hard to know if its worth working on or to move on especially since all I hear is that a woman cannot control her hormones during pregnancy and I just have to deal with it.


No way. She was abusive to you before the pregnancy. 

She does not respect you.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

lookingforhelp1982 said:


> I don't think she's bipolar, though I'm no psychologist. She is just super hard on me at times and, like I said emotionally selfish with her double standards and disregard for how her actions affect my feelings. Her mom is a recovered alcoholic and has been married at least three times that i know about. Pretty much her mom is a bit of a mess and i think that her behavior stems from that. I see the same way she treats her in the way she treats me. It's just hard because the relationship is really good for a while the there's the cycle of negativity and harshness when she gets anxious about something or I don't do something the way she wants it done. It's like I'm somehow incompetent because I do things differently. It's hard to know if its worth working on or to move on especially since all I hear is that a woman cannot control her hormones during pregnancy and I just have to deal with it. I'd like to think shes capable of treating me better all the time, but i honestly dont know if she is since ahe was that way, to a lesser extent, before getong pregnant (again this is only like 15% of the time - but its enough to ruin it for me).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Many times adults who have been abused as a child (she was abused by her mom...verbally) don't know that it's wrong or it's been engrained into them. I know from experience she needs help.


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## lookingforhelp1982 (Jun 28, 2012)

Very direct and to the point, norajane. I appreciate that. I'm going to look into talking with a psychologist and get this figured out. I'd like to help her and I owe that to my son, for his sake so he doesnt get treated that way, but between me and her, something needs to change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## timetochange (Jul 2, 2012)

Hi lookingforhelp - it sounds like your girlfriend is dealing with a lot of issues from her childhood. She may come from an emotionally codependent family. Perhaps she learned this behavior from her parents. She has probably treated people like this in past relationships too. She is very immature and emotionally needy and she won't change unless someone really makes her recognize that her behavior is wrong. Someone needs to shove it in her face and be equally harsh with her. She needs some tough love. You sound like a pretty nice and smart guy but you are allowing her to mistreat you (for some unhealthy reason - which is another issue). If you really feel she has some good qualities worth holding on to and are ready to work at the relationship (and I mean work), you need to practice tough love with her. Like parents who stop giving financial support to their lazy adult child, you need to stop supporting her inappropriate behavior - PMS, pregnant, postpartum - are not excuses. There is no excuse for rude, insensitive behavior, ever. I know what I'm talking about, I used to be your girlfriend and I almost lost my wonderful husband. Fortunately, because of his strength, wisdom and patience, I'm still with him. Good luck!


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Stand up for yourself and don't accept this crap! Read the man up threads and put it into action. She'll either wake up and start to improve or she won't. Sorry you are in this situation. Unfortunately you have the little one which will tie you two together.


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## Santa (May 31, 2012)

Sounds so much like my life and wife the last few years. Like me though, you have a child or I imagine you would have been gone. Hate to tell you, but I doubt it gets any better.


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