# Is marriage counseling worth it?



## itsxthexslim (May 22, 2016)

Not sure if anyone has gone to marriage counseling and can tell me if its worth it or waste of time. Trying to figure out if my relationship is worth saving. Thanks


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

If you are both willing to listen to the counselor and do what the counselor tells you to do it can work but it does take two.


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## btterflykisses (Apr 29, 2016)

Yes if you are both interested in saving your relationship.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you both approach it with open minds and with total honesty and openness, then yes, it can be very helpful.

But if one keeps nasty, dark secrets, or is having an ongoing affair -for example- then it isn't.

However, why do you doubt your relationship is worth saving?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

itsxthexslim said:


> Not sure if anyone has gone to marriage counseling and can tell me if its worth it or waste of time. Trying to figure out if my relationship is worth saving.


That's the point of marriage counselling - to help you get all the information you need to make that decision.

Heck, if your spouse isn't willing to go to counselling, that's a whole bunch of information for you right there, before you even spend any time or money!


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## itsxthexslim (May 22, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If you both approach it with open minds and with total honesty and openness, then yes, it can be very helpful.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




A lot to write but in short. I feel I'm the only one who seems to be trying and other person isn't. It's things being said like she feels she shouldn't have to do certain things like cook everyday because she works. I work more hours then she does. House shouldn't have to be clean all the time because she pays more of the bills even tho I have the better job overall which doesn't pay well til I'm here a few more yrs but my benefits and job security is better. Anyways. She doesn't like to hear my point of view. Everything is always my fault. We haven't had a conversation or been intimate in over 2 months. I work so much overtime just so I don't have to be home. There is a ton more but it's a lot to write.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you want the best advice, you've got to write the best background info. And try to keep the bias and sugar coating of your side to the minimum. We all do it.
Bottom line:
If there's nobody in the marriage except you and her ( no third party, physical OR emotional aka "friend"),
And you both want to stay married and make it a better marriage, then counseling could help. If you just want to go to counseling to figure out if you want to divorce or not, it will probably do that, too.

If you haven't had sex in two months....... That's not good. More info. Is she basically angry with you, or you at her, or both.

If you want a divorce, just keep this up. After she's cheated or you've cheated, it will haooen kinda naturally.

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Oh, dear.

If you want marriage counselling, you have to have a marriage in the first place.


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## MaxLorenz (Apr 27, 2016)

I suggest having a conversation with your wife and being honest:

_Our marriage is suffering. I'm working lots of hours. You're working a lot, too. We barely communicate and we're not having sex. This is how couples end up divorced. I want us to talk about if this marriage is worth saving and then lay out a plan that puts us both on a better path.​_
You'll get massive husband point for taking the lead and the conversation that ensues (or doesn't) will help you decide if you want to work on saving the relationship.

Hope this helps!

Max

HusbandPower.com


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Only if both willingly go.

If one is reluctant or forced its complete waste of time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jdawg2015 said:


> Only if both willingly go.
> 
> If one is reluctant or forced its complete waste of time.


Well, perhaps not.

As I mentioned recently a friend booked a session with a Relate Counsellor for her and her husband but her husband bottled it and would not go.

She went by herself and the counsellor was able to help her realise that their marriage was over. 

BTW bottled it means became very cowardly. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

MaxLorenz said:


> I suggest having a conversation with your wife and being honest:
> 
> _Our marriage is suffering. I'm working lots of hours. You're working a lot, too. We barely communicate and we're not having sex. This is how couples end up divorced. *I want us to talk about if this marriage is worth saving *and then lay out a plan that puts us both on a better path.​_
> You'll get massive husband point for taking the lead and the conversation that ensues (or doesn't) will help you decide if you want to work on saving the relationship.
> ...


I would be so hurt if my husband indicated that there was even a possibility the marriage wasn't worth saving at a point before they've even started the discussion. I don't think that's the best way to start the discussion in this case.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

Marriage counseling absolutely can work. It did for mine. As others have said, you both have to be willing to listen to each other and the counselor and own up to some faults, mistakes and be open to change. We definitely had some tough sessions at times but it was worth it in the end.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

itsxthexslim said:


> A lot to write but in short. I feel I'm the only one who seems to be trying and other person isn't. It's things being said like she feels she shouldn't have to do certain things like cook everyday because she works. I work more hours then she does. House shouldn't have to be clean all the time because she pays more of the bills even tho I have the better job overall which doesn't pay well til I'm here a few more yrs but my benefits and job security is better. Anyways. She doesn't like to hear my point of view. Everything is always my fault. We haven't had a conversation or been intimate in over 2 months. I work so much overtime just so I don't have to be home. There is a ton more but it's a lot to write.


If you're going to marriage counseling so that you can get an impartial third party to tell your wife that she's wrong, you're right, and she needs to do what you say, then it probably will be a waste of time. 

A lot of people drag their spouse into counseling so that the therapist can "fix" or "straighten out" the reluctant spouse. Interestingly, that's not usually what needs to happen. What usually needs fixing is the marital dynamic and marital communication. And that means that _both_ partners will need to do things differently, be willing to do some self-reflection, be willing to acknowledge some personal faults, and be willing to change. If you're not both willing to do real work to fix your marriage, then MC won't do much good.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I found it to be very helpful. If the marriage can be saved it can help to save it. If the marriage can't be saved it can help to bring clarity to that point. It can also be a big help beyond the marriage. For you individually, having an unbiased professional to open up to and get advice from can be a huge relief. Best of luck.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Was a waste of time and money for me. I hated my wife but was stuck. I was doing it to by me time so I could stash the cash and get things in order. My wife became very unnatractive to me due to our fighting and her weight gain. A $110/hr MC can't make her attractive to me!

I think if a marriage needs MC, it's doomed 90% of the time. Life is too short to be sleeping in the same bed of someone you can't stand.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

TBH- I think people wait too long before seeking counseling.

They wait until it's the last resort, instead of looking it as a tool to foster communication when those lines of communication have broken down.
Unfortunately, during the long waiting period before any action is taken, resentment and apathy have increased that is ends up being the focus of the therapy and is merely distractions and grounds for blameshifting, deflection, and power struggles.


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## itsxthexslim (May 22, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Was a waste of time and money for me. I hated my wife but was stuck. I was doing it to by me time so I could stash the cash and get things in order. My wife became very unnatractive to me due to our fighting and her weight gain. A $110/hr MC can't make her attractive to me!
> 
> I think if a marriage needs MC, it's doomed 90% of the time. Life is too short to be sleeping in the same bed of someone you can't stand.




Yea I'm kind of at that point. I'm torn between goin and not goin to counciling I've bought it up before to her but it's like yea yea yea sure then no. I've asked for a separation and I've even asked her for divorce. Both times I'm the ******* because according to her I'm not willing to try to save this marriage. Really. I'm not trying me? I get called names I get things thrown at me when I insult her for being lazy. Her answer is she pay more of the bills so she has right to. I'm not a bum or live off of her. Before we bought our house I explained to her hey this is going to be a lot for me I don't think it's a good idea right now. Well so far it hasn't worked out. Yea everything gets paid but I myself can't enjoy my days off because I choose to work just not to be there. I've checked out and she knows it but won't let acknowledge it. 


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

MC saved my marriage. I went into it thinking the MC would help us rationally decide on divorce (because I wanted a baby and he didn't) and we came out realizing both of us were being terrible listeners. We got the techniques we needed to learn in order to really listen to each other and our marriage has been much better and more stable since then.


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