# Breast Cancer and Sex, from a husband perspective



## doublejohn (Mar 1, 2012)

Hello all

I google and I google over and over to try and find people with a similar problem as mine, with few relevant results (just a study made in an asian country). Found this forum 1h ago, and decided to try. 

I'm 27, my wife 26. 2 years ago my wife was diagnosed breast cancer. She was treated, made a mastectomy, on one breast and so far so good. All the test in the past 6 month have been positive.

However, we spent a lot of time without sex, and we tried to start all over, with catastrophic results. Sex is real bad. 

I feel like a scumbag writing, or even thinking this, but I'm a bit desperate here.

I love her with all my heart, I like to be with her, I like her company, she is terrific. However she wants to return to sex, and I don't feel any sexual drive. She gained a lot of weight, she still hasn't done the plastic surgery... And I've been with her all the way, I saw the wound, I shaved her head, I passed cream over the scar...

I don't know if my general feelings are of a coward or of a scumbag who expected his wife to be some hot babe. 

She was very direct, and one day asked if I found her ugly if I lost interest in her. I lied, of course. But the fact is that probably I did. 

Has anyone lived such an experience? How do you cope with that?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi doublejohn ~

I'm sorry that you and your wife are going though this - and at such young ages. I can only imagine how difficult that is.

You know what - I don't think anybody can really say anything bad about how you feel. You feel what you feel, and when you go through a traumatic, life-changing event like you and your wife have, you can't predict how that will make you feel. Don't beat yourself up over how you feel.

Have you looked into any support groups for cancer survivors and their spouses? It might help to be able to talk with other husbands who have gone through the same ordeal. You may find that they have had a lot of similar emotions and feelings that you have.

Here's also a really great book, just for husbands in your situation, that may be helpful to you:

Amazon.com: Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) during Diagnosis, Treatment and Beyond (9781579548339): Marc Silver: Books

Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

Best wishes.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

doublejohn said:


> Hello all
> 
> I google and I google over and over to try and find people with a similar problem as mine, with few relevant results (just a study made in an asian country). Found this forum 1h ago, and decided to try.
> 
> ...


You and your wife have just gone through an incredibly traumatic event. You're also so young to have experienced such a major health crisis at this stage of your life. It's understandable that things are not what they used to be. Also it's understandable since a part of her body that was so central to her sexuality was surgically removed (for good reasons of course), sex is different at first. I don't fault you for the emotions you're feeling. What you seem to need is support so that you won't feel alone. A lot of health groups are geared to the person who has the condition. So few are aimed at the spouses and family and they also need support. Without knowing where you live, it's hard to give specific advice about support groups. Call the major medical hospitals in your area. In big cities these days, there are often people at the hospital who can help a counsel spouses of cancer survivors. You might look at 
Cancer Support Community to find a group in your area. The American Cancer Society (if you're in America) has support groups too and they can direct you to groups in your area. 

While I don't advocate lying, I think you did the right thing. A little white lie to spare your wife's feelings isn't wrong. 

Is she planning to have reconstruction? I couldn't tell if she started the tissue expander process or not. Some women choose to wait. Some start immediate reconstruction in the same operation as the mastectomy. It's an individual choice of course, but psychologically it's easier to wake up with the tissue expander in place than look at flat skin with a big scar. 

My thoughts are with you...wishing you both healing and a good recovery.


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## doublejohn (Mar 1, 2012)

Actually I do work in a cancer hospital,(the irony, right? I got the job, and a few months latter she got cancer). I really should see someone about this. However I'm still gaining momentum to do the leap, and admit there is a big problem here. Part of me still thought that with time things would work itself out... 

Anyway, thank you for your support.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I wish you would answer her direct question honestly. How is lying to her ever going to change things? What do you have to lose by telling her the truth? 

For most men the weight gain alone would be enough to kill sexual desire. In the book his needs her needs having an attractive wife is in the top 5 needs of men and you are no exception to that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> I wish you would answer her direct question honestly. How is lying to her ever going to change things? What do you have to lose by telling her the truth?
> 
> For most men the weight gain alone would be enough to kill sexual desire. In the book his needs her needs having an attractive wife is in the top 5 needs of men and you are no exception to that.


From what the OP said, his issues are not just about the weight. She can lose the weight but she cannot do much about missing body parts. 

Much of this probably is not only about looks but about him experiencing a very real change in the way he preceives his wife. Catastrophic events like this often profoundly change people.


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## California King (Sep 9, 2012)

Doublejohn, thanks for posting this topic. I too have been through a masectomy and cancer treatment with my wife. I was looking for some information on the internet when I found your post. My wife and I are in our forties but had a great sex life before the surgery and chemo. Now I have real trouble getting aroused by her, and she is a good sport but not nearly as interested as she used to be. I feel like my sex life has been taken away from me. On a scale of 1 to 10, we have gone from an 8 in the bedroom to about a 2. 

I thought this might happen over the next 40 years as we got old, but I was unprepared for it to happen overnight. I read some posts about Tamoxifen (hormone suppressor drug) and it has some real negative side effects on peoples sex lives. I think it is some of the problem. For me, even though she has nicely reconstructed breasts, looking at them too closely or touching them reminds me of all the pain and trauma that we went through. There are parts of the surgery and recovery that I remember much more vividly than her. But beyond that, she no longer seems to have that sexiness that made her so wildly attractive to me. I think a lot of it is hormonal. 

The worst is that it seems like her annoying habits (we all have them of course) wear on me a lot more now that I am not in constant awe of her sexiness. I am coping with a sex life that is a 2, and I think we will be ok. But I sure miss the days of the raw passion that we had. My wife's hair is now different, her skin is different, (breasts are different of course), she smells different, and she is somehow decidedly less feminine. I still tell her she is attractive, and whistle at her, and pat her bottom. But we have definately lost something. For a while I thought there might be something wrong with me since I was having trouble completing the act. But now I'm pretty sure it has more to do with her. Good thing we made hay while the sun was shining (21 years), because now it is the rainy season.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DJ,
I like that you right with such honesty and directness. You have both been through a terrible ordeal. 

I think you need to try to show your wife physical love because she is your wife. 

And I think you are also entitled to try to make this easy on yourself. It is ok to:
- Have the lights dim - or use candles
- Have a couple glasses of wine
- While you get started, think back to how your W looked at the beginning

If your W is offended by the lights, you just use a soft tone and say "baby, this has been a rough go, lets be romantic and gentle with each other". 

And you need to start going on walks together and get the junk food out of the house. Stick with the phrase "I want US to be healthy and fit, lets do it together". 

If she presses you about the fat - just laugh and say "you are alive, now lets both exercise to be healthy".



doublejohn said:


> Hello all
> 
> I google and I google over and over to try and find people with a similar problem as mine, with few relevant results (just a study made in an asian country). Found this forum 1h ago, and decided to try.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

California King said:


> Doublejohn, thanks for posting this topic. I too have been through a masectomy and cancer treatment with my wife. I was looking for some information on the internet when I found your post. My wife and I are in our forties but had a great sex life before the surgery and chemo. Now I have real trouble getting aroused by her, and she is a good sport but not nearly as interested as she used to be. I feel like my sex life has been taken away from me. On a scale of 1 to 10, we have gone from an 8 in the bedroom to about a 2.
> 
> I thought this might happen over the next 40 years as we got old, but I was unprepared for it to happen overnight. I read some posts about Tamoxifen (hormone suppressor drug) and it has some real negative side effects on peoples sex lives. I think it is some of the problem. For me, even though she has nicely reconstructed breasts, looking at them too closely or touching them reminds me of all the pain and trauma that we went through. There are parts of the surgery and recovery that I remember much more vividly than her. But beyond that, she no longer seems to have that sexiness that made her so wildly attractive to me. I think a lot of it is hormonal.
> 
> The worst is that it seems like her annoying habits (we all have them of course) wear on me a lot more now that I am not in constant awe of her sexiness. I am coping with a sex life that is a 2, and I think we will be ok. But I sure miss the days of the raw passion that we had. My wife's hair is now different, her skin is different, (breasts are different of course), she smells different, and she is somehow decidedly less feminine. I still tell her she is attractive, and whistle at her, and pat her bottom. But we have definately lost something. For a while I thought there might be something wrong with me since I was having trouble completing the act. But now I'm pretty sure it has more to do with her. Good thing we made hay while the sun was shining (21 years), because now it is the rainy season.


She had her body radiated multiple times causing burns/scars in many places, lost her breasts, her hair, eyelashes, eyebrows, her vomit by the minute/hour. The pain riveting through her bones cannot be described in words. It is a pain so bad that labor is a treat. She is still trying to save her LIFE, something that every day she worries about and counts important events like her last and you ***** about your boner? YOUR sex life was taken away from you? What about hers? You say that her habits wear on you now that she is no longer hot. Everything you said about your wife with CANCER is a negative. She is no longer sexy except the nice new tits she got. You blame your lack of getting it up on your wife but hey, good thing you got it all in before she got cancer. You remember the surgery more than her? 
Dra åt helvete.


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## cashybum (Aug 16, 2012)

Wow. I really hope I never get breast cancer.. even more so now after reading this.

I'm sorry you're going through this...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

doublejohn said:


> Actually I do work in a cancer hospital,(the irony, right? I got the job, and a few months latter she got cancer). *I really should see someone about this. *However I'm still gaining momentum to do the leap, and admit there is a big problem here. Part of me still thought that with time things would work itself out...
> 
> Anyway, thank you for your support.


Yes, you really should.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

At 40, my wife went through a mastectomy and 6 months of chemotherapy. Life changed, not just sex. It's been 18 years since and thank God we have each other still. Yes intimacy is as good as it was. It didn't happen over night, it took a long time. Bur everyday I made sure she knew I still wanted her. I knew having her heal physically and mentally had to come first, before we could enjoy intimacy again. You will get there too. She needs you now more than ever in her life. Do not be selfish and let your desires rule you. Empathy and patience. 

Life is short. We never know what it brings. Do not take it for granted.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't know mate, I understand the need for visual attraction but...

If this was to happen to my wife I wouldn't really be moved as I'm a lower body person. So I perhaps won't ever feel how you feel until she loses those sexy legs of hers. But... then again, the weight gain. I won't be able to fault her for that based on cancer, I would feel so disgusted with myself if I ever mentioned that considering what the hell my wife would be going through.

Regardless though, I love my wife enough that her body is indeed secondary. As long as she doesn't lose those deep immersive eyes or that voice of hers I will love her till the end of time. But doesn't mean that I won't be an ******* and not tell her off for being lazy and not working out!!!

It's a big change though mate, and it's something I can't really help you with =/


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## California King (Sep 9, 2012)

Therealbrighteyes. Excuse me, I thought the title of this forum said "from a husband's perspective". Obviously you have the trump card and deserve all the sympathy, but that is not what we are talking about here. If you don't want to hear what the husband goes through then find a different forum. I've stuck with her through thick and thin and never complained (except here) so let me vent a little, huh?


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## California King (Sep 9, 2012)

You have to understand, in my wife’s case she did not have any illness or any symptoms of cancer other than a very small lump in one breast. This was tested and as soon as she found out it was malignant she decided she should have a mastectomy. The doctors told her that her odds of contracting a fatal cancer from this were the same whether she had a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. I told her I liked her the way she was and wanted her to consider a lumpectomy. When an MRI found a second tiny spot in her other breast that also tested malignant, she would not consider any other option than a double mastectomy. Again the doctors left the decision up to her but said that having mastectomies did not improve her odds over lumpectomies. Ultimately it was her body and her decision and my opinion counted zero. 

I recommended against the breast reconstruction. The Frankenboob look does not do anything for me sexually over the zippered pocket look of non-reconstructed breasts. Again my opinion did not enter into the decision. She had reconstruction done at the same time as the mastectomy because of her own vanity, not to please me. This resulted in 14 hours of surgery and many complications and follow-ups. 

Again with the chemo, the specialists said that the chemo might improve her odds slightly, from like being 10% likely to die from cancer some day, to maybe like 5%, but it was very unsure. I recommended against it because of the real, measurable damage that chemo does as compared to this questionable advantage of going through it. Again my opinion was not a factor. 

So now we are through the worst of this, and the party line is that the doctors saved her, and her reconstructed breasts look great. However, I have a different perspective. From my perspective the doctors took my healthy, lovely wife and mutilated the heck out of her. She has a scar two feet across on her belly, and a reconstructed belly button with some kind of weird mesh under her tummy. Her breasts are a mass of scars and while they look pretty good with clothes on, they are a frightful distraction during sex. Not only does she now look like the Bride of Frankenstein, but she now has a chemo numbed brain to match. 

I don’t mean to belittle cancer as a disease, I lost my father to it recently and anyone fighting cancer has my most sincere respect. I just wonder in my wife’s case if the medical community had to go this extreme. My wife’s mother had a similar lump about this age that she had removed, and the mother is almost 90 now and has had no further problems. And yes, I’m sorry, but our experience with breast cancer did wreck our sex life. I also missed a career move that would have been important to me, and the medical costs have put us under financial duress. Not to mention the cancelled vacations and all the physical and mental stress we have endured during the medical treatment. Life is short, whether you are having any fun, or not. Ladies, please consider some of the impacts of taking the most conservative approach. The doctors don’t know everything. Every case is different.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

You should join a support group for spouses of cancer patients. I hear a lot of "me, me, me" from your post. 

If it was already a lump that could be felt then it's at least a Stage 1 or Stage 2 breast cancer. You didn't say if they found any in her lymph nodes. Did they do a sentinal node biopsy?
If she had been at stage Zero or DCIS when the cancer is still in the milk duct only I could see how she might want to go with a lumpectomy over a mastectomy, but when the cancer is in both breasts and already a lump, I can totally understand how she would want to take drastic action to save her life. It's her life! Cancer is one of those terrible experiences you have to go through to understand the emotions. 

You see a "frankenboob", but she sees a life saving procedure. She's far more than her breasts. 

I have a good friend who had DCIS also known as Stage Zero breast cancer. It was microscopic at the time. It wasn't even a lump. She chose to have a lumpectomy. She had to go for mammograms every six months. It came back again. Caught again on a mammogram. Luckily, it was again Stage Zero in the milk duct only. She opted for radiation and a mastectomy and reconstruction. Sure she has a frankenboob to use your words, but she is alive and not as worried about going through breast cancer a third time. There's a colleague at work whose wife had breast cancer. She was under 45 years old, no family history of it either. She opted for a lumpectomy. A few years later it came back and metastasized. It's now in her bones. She had a mastectomy. The only thing she can do now are clinical trials. I sometimes wonder if she would have been better off going through with the mastectomy when she had the chance.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Dude, I realize that you're pissed that your wife didn't give you enough (or any) input. I get it. Really. But seriously, this is your wife! Bride of Frankenstein? Chemo numbed brain??? SMH. I just don't know what to say to that.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Who are you resentful of the medical community or your wife? Your wife made her decisions because it's her life and her future depends what she decided. The doctors and her don't have crystal balls to see into the future. Decisions are based on percentages and statistics, not absolutes. 

As for the reconstruction, that's for her not you. I could give two craps less if my wife had or didn't have reconstruction. I wouldn't love and support her any less. 

You ask for advice, this is mine. This is about her, if you can't get over the "what about me resentment" and get behind her, your going to damage your relationship and her recovery. Get yourselves in to therapy and a cancer support group to cope with this. Praying your wife has a long life.

Edit: Read Coffee's post again. I couldn't have explained it better. The studies are littered with those who should have pulled through.


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## Sara Ann (Aug 27, 2010)

Geez, ease up on these guys. They have every right to vent, and I want to hear what men think about their chemo scarred wives!!! Because I have a friend who is dying of breast cancer and she has been in patient status for years now and I feel sorry for her family. Don't forget the family too! Her husband has cared for her for years, he has gone without sex, spend all his money on her care, tiptoed around the house and nobody has any rights except the sick person? Even before the cancer, she would only have sex with her husband 3x per year, now I bet it's nothing. He's such a good man, while my friend spends all his money and complains because he relaxes in front of the TV when he comes home. I guess I am taking his side because I know them both.

Why does the cancer patient insist on wearing scarves/bald, instead of getting a wig? My friend still refuses.

I love them all. I just think it's sad that the cancer patient gets all the love and pity, while the rest of the family is supposed to just take it and LOVE IT ALL!

Men with cancer wives, keep your courage to talk,and if these people here won't let you, find a place that will. YOU MATTER TOO, and so do the kids.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Didn't say they couldn't vent. Just gave advice as a husband of a survivor. It's does affect the whole family. That's why counseling is needed and suggested.


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## clarabarton (Aug 23, 2012)

Hi, I am sorry you and your wife are going through this. I cannot imagine how hard it must be.

I am quite a bit older than you both, but I regularly go to a message board for my meno. symptoms. The reason why I mention that here is there is a forum there for husbands and also a breast cancer forum there....so you may very well be able to find some helpful information for your situation--from other husbands and/or from the women who are also going through it or have been through it. 

Go here.... Menopause, Menopause Symptoms, Menopause Treatments, Menopause Support and in small print near the top you will see "message boards," just scroll down until you hit the ones you are looking for. You can read the posts without becoming a member.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

California King said:


> You have to understand, in my wife’s case she did not have any illness or any symptoms of cancer other than a very small lump in one breast. This was tested and as soon as she found out it was malignant she decided she should have a mastectomy. The doctors told her that her odds of contracting a fatal cancer from this were the same whether she had a lumpectomy or a mastectomy. I told her I liked her the way she was and wanted her to consider a lumpectomy. When an MRI found a second tiny spot in her other breast that also tested malignant, she would not consider any other option than a double mastectomy. Again the doctors left the decision up to her but said that having mastectomies did not improve her odds over lumpectomies. Ultimately it was her body and her decision and my opinion counted zero.
> 
> I recommended against the breast reconstruction. The Frankenboob look does not do anything for me sexually over the zippered pocket look of non-reconstructed breasts. Again my opinion did not enter into the decision. She had reconstruction done at the same time as the mastectomy because of her own vanity, not to please me. This resulted in 14 hours of surgery and many complications and follow-ups.
> 
> ...


What I want to say to you will get me banned so I will only leave you with this. SHE did what SHE thought was the best for HER body. Sorry you are so disgusted with the outcome and now come on here to encourage other women to remain "whole" as to turn on their husbands. Afterall, women should consider all the impacts: a man's career, a vacation and not looking hot enough. Let's consider the conservative approach after all.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Tell us how you really feel, lol. :smthumbup:


My husband moved heaven and Earth to get me the care I needed. He fell to his knees after my diagnosis and said "Don't leave us" and fought tooth and nail to make sure I am in the best hands. I no longer work for obvious reasons and he makes sure I am okay. He calls multiple times a day and often times comes home for lunch or just gets home early. Our time is important and he makes sure he is there. 

This jerk who only cares about how he lost out on a vacation and that his career suffered can go to hell in my book. His calling his wife names because she DARED to have her breasts removed and then mock every single thing about her, scars, smell, taste and sexual energy. Not a man. Not at all. 

If you want tips from a real man, his name is Jonathan.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Brighteyes, Please, please, calm... I didn't mean to work you up. 

I understand, that's what a husband should do. That's what I did and I didn't have to think once about then and since. I'm sure you loving H didn't either. 

The idea is to get him to feel some empathy for his wife. Who is the real person in this relationship in need support. We all know that but he doesn't. Don't let this fellow work you up, he's not worth it.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

anchorwatch said:


> Brighteyes, Please, please, calm... I didn't mean to work you up.
> 
> I understand, that's what a husband should do. That's what I did and I didn't have to think once about then and since. I'm sure you loving H didn't either.
> 
> The idea is to get him to feel some empathy for his wife. Who is the real person in this relationship in need support. We all know that but he doesn't. Don't let this fellow work you up, he's not worth it.


I am plenty calm. Not worked up at all. I know who loves me and your wasted time on this sociopath is well, just wasted time. If he is more concerned about her *****, her hair, vacations and her tits than her life, yeah you are not going to get through. That is what I was saying. Real men aren't. They ACTUALLY care about the woman. My husband is a huge example of that and he is a damn fine one. A REAL man. His last name alone is one of honor.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

Sara Ann said:


> Geez, ease up on these guys. They have every right to vent.
> Men with cancer wives, keep your courage to talk,and if these people here won't let you, find a place that will. YOU MATTER TOO, and so do the kids.


I agree, husbands of survivors suffer too and have a right to vent. 

However, this California King guy is incredibly *self-centered* and rude and unable to grasp the big picture here. He says (exact quotes) his wife is 'mutilated', is a 'Bride of Frankenstein', has 'Frankenboobs', her breasts are 'a mass of scars' and are 'a frightful distraction during sex', and she has a 'chemo numbed brain'.

When he says their 'sex life is wrecked', I can't tell if it's because of the scars and Frankenboobs, or if she has lost her libido ( I would sympathize with the 2nd but not the 1st). Does he love his wife as a person or mostly as a sexual object only useful if it is still beautiful and perfect? What happens when she is wrinkled and gray (if she lives)? He'll think of her as an 'old hag'.

California King thinks his wife is selfish because she chose mastectomy and reconstruction for herself, instead of lumpectomy to minimize the number of scars he has to look at. Even though for a single lump, a lumpectomy is often just as safe as a mastectomy, there may be some reasons to choose mastectomy. She had lumps or spots in both breasts at the same time, that might imply she has a higher risk than average due to her genes. Also, mastectomy might be considered if there is a lot of breast cancer in the women's family. Having a mastectomy may make her worry less about recurrence. Having a mastectomy often means you can avoid having to go through radiation. Her doctor proscribed chemotherapy for some reason, which isn't usually done unless the cancer is serious.

Being alive is so much more important than having good looking breasts.


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## California King (Sep 9, 2012)

Guys, here is a tip: you can let some of this stuff out. You don’t have to hold it all in just because some people think it is inappropriate to talk about. Men don’t typically want to talk about their feelings and it leaves a lot of stuff bottled up inside us. I actually feel better getting some of this off my chest. I am not able to articulate it to anyone I know. So if you are frustrated, go ahead and let it out. What is the worst that can happen? Maybe they will call you a selfish unsupportive pervert. (I disagree, I have been supportive) So what? If you need to let some emotions out, go ahead and take a chance. 

Cancer is ****. It takes a lot out of us. The US has one of the highest cancer rates in the world. I think they say it is about one in 8 women who get breast cancer. What are we doing? Why are the only treatments: burning with radiation, cutting off parts of the body, or poisoning with chemo? As a society how are we going to afford this, my wife’s treatment over two years is in the $300-$400k range. Are we supposed to be happy about this? What’s the point in pretending these treatments don’t change things? Or pretending we are happy with what is happening? Call it like it is. If this stuff was done to someone who did not have cancer, what would we think about it?

My advice to any guys who are going through something like this, and have pent up frustration is to just go ahead and let it out. Don’t worry about what people will think. Of course, guys, if you are not going through something like this and you are not currently in a relationship, you might seriously want to consider going gay. ps: thx Clara for the link


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## krismimo (Jan 26, 2011)

Double John as a woman I KNOW EXACTLY what you are going through... it is hard for most people to understand how you feel and to preach to you how you should feel when they HAVE NO CLUE no clue can't even scratch the surface of it takes to be a spouse of someone with a chronic illness/terminal illness. You have 100% my support because I have been through the same thing I'm a firm believer that you can not can not really give sound advice unless you have been through it yourself. 

My husband has/had kidney failure lost both his kidneys has type 2 diabetes, when I met him he was already doing dialysis. My husband is older than me but is way to young to be going through this. We have been married for two years and together for four. In the course of us being together this experience of his chronic illness has TESTED every inch of my being that NO ONE can understand and no dis respect but unless people go through something like that they need to shut the hell up 'I'm sorry it is so easier to preach from the pulpit and look down when you have never sat with the congregation... get my drift?. I have been through the ups the down, the doctors visits the anger, the family fights, the constant worry.. scared that I could loose him any day without warning, seeing them watching them go through hell and there is nothing you can do.

During the first year we dated they almost had to cut of his toe because of blisters, few years later his vision was compromised my husband woke up crying and screaming because he couldn't see.. he couldn't see for half a year, the doctors were able to save his vision partially. That was this year by the way. Deep down I could see my husband health decline so I did something about it, I was tired of seeing him suffering alone this year he has gone through at least 10 surgeries. 

The year me and me and my husband were getting married I was a at home dialysis tech I trained so he could do dialysis at home, so basically I was in charge of sticking him with a needle every night his life was in my hands it was the hardest thing that I had to do. At the time it was the best thing for him to do dialysis at home his "chances" were better. 

This year I decided to put myself as a candidate to give my husband my kidney. The chances were small they we were a match but I had to try. I get a phone call from UCLA that we were a match I started the process and as of last month my husband was given my kidney. 

Before the transplant I felt so helpless I had break downs, tears, sadness and finally strength and yes the sexual frustration which is touchy, people are so quick to call you selfish, mean and self centered is that all you can think about? But they forget that you are there with them through everything, they forget that you have needs as well, they forget that you give up everything, your time, your energy and sometimes your sanity because you love them, it is not easy but you do it anyway. You know I had family members (in laws) try to criticize me that I was not doing enough! 

We could have left, we could have bailed we could have thrown in the towel but you didn't. So major KUDOS to you for staying it is one of the toughest things you will and have ever been through, in some ways I still had a advantage because I knew what was going on you had no idea you were blindsided. No one tells you how you should feel and no one SHOULD tell you how you should feel. To help with my feelings no matter how bad they were at times I went to a support forum for people dealing with my husband's illness. They also support cancer as well. 

It is easy to send someone a link, it is easy to just tell someone oh you need to talk to someone or join a support group easier said then done, because you are afraid of being judged you are afraid that you will get the same response that I have seen you get in here. But alas you wont, they will not talk to you that why or frown at you for saying that, you wont feel as alone, you still feel alone but at least you have comrades, it wont feel so foreign, they wont tell you how you should feel or blame you for feeling that way and they can give you helpful and healthy advice instead of putting you in the chopping block. 

I didn't mean and I apologize if I hijacked your thread but I hope in some ways you know that you have my support and I know how it feels and you have my full support. Keep your head up and I'm happy to hear that the cancer is gone. Just remember that you are human and you will make mistakes and you also need time for yourself even if it's five minutes a day, it is ok to go out for a walk on your own to clear your head, want to go out with your friends, or work on a car. Don't hold this in and I understand why you lied... I have been there! Keep your head up stay supportive but also don't neglect your needs as well bc if you don't you will be resentful and you don't want that. If you would like the link I would be more than happy to email it to you. 

You are not alone,

Kris


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