# Spousal Gaslighting



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Wonder if folks could chime in on examples of Gaslighting. What are the signs. When do they arise? Thanks.

PJB


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

When I started to get suspicious of my wifes EA. I confronted her, she denied it. Then, one day, she left her cell phone on the table while she went for a shower...which was normally glued to her hip like it was life support. Of course, I grabbed it and started reading all that sexting sh$t that was on there. As soon as she came out of the shower, I confronted her with the cell phone and asked her WTF was really going on.

She immediately freaked out on me, saying she should just leave now because now she knows she can't trust me! Then she proceeded to tell me that the sexting was a setup that she orchestrated between the OM and her to see if I was still trying to snoop on her and to see if I didn't trust her. And that because I fell for it, I'm a distrusting a hole and that she should just leave right now!

Go figure that logic!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> When I started to get suspicious of my wifes EA. I confronted her, she denied it. Then, one day, she left her cell phone on the table while she went for a shower...which was normally glued to her hip like it was life support. Of course, I grabbed it and started reading all that sexting sh$t that was on there. As soon as she came out of the shower, I confronted her with the cell phone and asked her WTF was really going on.
> 
> She immediately freaked out on me, saying she should just leave now because now she knows she can't trust me! Then she proceeded to tell me that the sexting was a setup that she orchestrated between the OM and her to see if I was still trying to snoop on her and to see if I didn't trust her. And that because I fell for it, I'm a distrusting a hole and that she should just leave right now!
> 
> ...


So she says she was pulling a http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/BatmanGambit?

Wow, that is ****ed up. I've heard of the fog and man, if someone said that to me I'd be pissed.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

GASLIGHTING?!?! How dare YOU accuse ME of gaslighting. You are the one that is doing crazy stuff and I am sick and tired of having to put up with YOU doing crazy things to ME and I can't trust YOU anymore! The things that YOU say that I am doing that are bad are PERFECTLY REASONABLE responses to YOU being crazy and being so needy and insecure. I don't feel safe in this marriage because of YOU.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Depends on what you mean. Is it the big things or the everyday things. My spouse routinely mis communicates ordinary things and then blows up when she doesn't get the answer she claimed she wanted. It's just to pick a fight. Ordinary stuff, like what to pick up at the store, when to go drive somewhere, that sort of thing.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Atholk said:


> GASLIGHTING?!?! How dare YOU accuse ME of gaslighting. You are the one that is doing crazy stuff and I am sick and tired of having to put up with YOU doing crazy things to ME and I can't trust YOU anymore! The things that YOU say that I am doing that are bad are PERFECTLY REASONABLE responses to YOU being crazy and being so needy and insecure. I don't feel safe in this marriage because of YOU.


What's the best way to respond to this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Wow , I had no idea about this and this is what H was doing . Specially when I had proof of his EA , he seriously turned and told me I was F#@%^ed up!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

credamdóchasgra said:


> What's the best way to respond to this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, I'd respond like this:

"Let's ask anyone you respect, pick one out, pick out 10. How about your mom? Your dad? Maybe your best three friends.

Then we'll ask them what is reasonable behavior.

Screwing around like you are or checking up on you trying to protect our marriage?

Put it to them. I'll dial the phone right now."


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> What's the best way to respond to this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With proof of the affair.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Jaded Heart said:


> Wow , I had no idea about this and this is what H was doing . Specially when I had proof of his EA , he seriously turned and told me I was F#@%^ed up!


Then you have to up the ante and expose the affair to everyone that matters to him and take steps to leave him it he doesn't immediately stop it.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Draguna said:


> So she says she was pulling a Batman Gambit - Television Tropes & Idioms
> 
> Wow, that is ****ed up. I've heard of the fog and man, if someone said that to me I'd be pissed.


That's the thing about gas lighting, it messes with your mind and is so absurd you actually take a step back for a moment and try to figure out if it was the truth.

It honestly took me two days to get my head back on straight to see through the confusion. How I should have handled it was to throw it back at her, saying "Yes. Your absolutely right. You should just leave now"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I can give you several examples, but first, here's a quick "definition" (I'm big on defining): 

“Gaslighting is the systematic attempt by one person to erode another’s reality. This is done by telling them that what they are experiencing isn’t so – and, the gradual giving up on the part of the other person.” (The Gaslight Effect: Don’t Be Afraid To Speak Your Truth by Robin Stern.) So one spouse is purposely speaking and acting in a way to make the other spouse second-guess themselves, their views, their memories, and what they KNOW took place! 

Some common examples (not necessarily related to affairs) would be: 

A wife SCREAMS at her husband and calls him harsh names and rages in a way that is clearly abusive. Two days later in MC the husband is relating what occurred and the picture of calm and poise, she says, "Oh honey now you know it didn't happen that way. Do I come across like the kind of lady who would act like that? Really? I think you maybe were kind of sensitive." And he knows that in real life she DID do those things, but part of him begins to second-guess if he did just take it wrong. 

A wife is walking down the sidewalk with her husband and another male person walks past her. She looks up, meets his eyes, smiles, and keeps walking. "Who's that?" her husband says. "One of your lovers?" "Who?" she says, honestly confused. "Don't act like I didn't see you flirting with that guy. You practically seduced him here on the streets!" She knows she did nothing of the sort, and yet starts to second-guess looking up or smiling. 


See how the person knows for a fact that the event did occur, but begins to second-guess their reality or who they are because of the way they are treated? 

Here's one from my real life (with exH):

I have a video tape of hubby and his mistress entering a hotel at night (date stamped) and another of him and his mistress leaving the hotel the next morning, all smiles and kisses in the parking lot. I confronted him, played the tape, and he said: "How did you do that?" Confused, I said, "Do what?" "Doctor the tape to make it look like I had been there with another woman. Do you know someone who can do that kind of work?" (My mouth DROPPED to the floor--he's kidding right?) I said, "I didn't do anything to that tape!" "Well you must have done something to it to make it look like me." 

(Thankfully I was NOT fooled by this attempt to gaslight, but it was a GENIUS attempt, wouldn't you say?)

Some typical Affair Gaslighting: 

The loyal spouse finds sexts, sexy emails, photos...maybe even catches them in the act...and the disloyal says, "How *DARE *you accuse me of cheating by breaking my trust and snooping on me! Do you really think I am the kind of person who could do something like that? You must really be sick to have so little trust." (See the attempt to make the loyal think they are mentally ill?)

A loyal spouse exposes the affair to the boss at work, so the boss and put a stop to using the company laptop and company cellphone for sex. The loyal shows the boss proof of emails from the company email address. The disloyal spouse says, "How *DARE *you drag my name in the mud and try to ruin my reputation by bringing our private problems here to work! You just want revenge because I've finally stopped taking your abuse at home!" (See how the loyal is just telling the whole truth so the employer can act to protect the company, and it is the disloyal's ACTIONS that may or may embarrass them? And see the gaslighting to make it seem like the loyal is abusive?)

Once they've moved out and you expect them to pay child support and/or care for their own children half time: "Oh it figures all you ever think about is money and yourself. I am trying to get away from your manipulation and all you keep doing is trying to punish me." (It's not punishment to be responsible for your own children. But see how the DS is trying to portray the LS as "sick"?)


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Damn - that's first rate stuff (the videotape accusation)

I'll bet you were tempted to believe him.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Gaslighting is a deliberate and conscious attempt to make another person believe they are insane or going insane so that they are committed to a mental institution.

A spouse that lies, deceives, blames and denies to hide their true motivations and behaviours has the same affect. They delude us and therefore we think we must be going insane. It can take a while to get back to reality and that’s one of the reasons I advocate snooping, to discover what the reality of the situation is.

It’s all about delusion and being deluded. There are many deluded people in mental institutions, in fact deluded is the very definition insanity. It can be the catalyst for and precipitate a nervous breakdown. Been there, done that. But I needed the trauma to break-up and finally end my marriage.

Bob


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