# How many times do I forgive?



## 1confusedgal (Jul 28, 2011)

I have been married for almost 20 years. Ever since the beginning things were rough. But, I knew marriage was hard work and tried to stick through it. A few years into our marriage, my husband started to become more and more distant. He would make comments to make me feel bad, went out with his buddies until very late at night, and after I had my son (and was dealing with postpartum depression) he yelled at me because I didn't want to have sex. It was terribly nasty and I cried and begged God to help me. From then on, our fights would turn vicious, and I would end up crying and being miserable. 
Once when we went out together, which was rare, I had commented on the way home about what a nice time I had. I was serious, but some how he turned it around and started in on me in the car. It became so heated, he dropped me off in our neighborhood and told me to walk home. It didn't take long for him to come speeding around the corner to get me, but in no way was he apologetic. The argument continued at home. As the years passed, I became more complacent, knowing that if I didn't contribute to an argument, it wouldn't go anywhere. 

Then I found out my husband was having an affair. Actually, I found out that he had had many affairs. He used to pick women up at bars, go to their place and have sex. He even had his buddies in on things, and they never let on to me what was happening. I was completely oblivious to all of this. I guess I just assumed that things were finally getting better between us. Anyway, I decided, for the sake of my kids, to give him another chance. I made it clear that I was not going to take the crap he was dealing out prior to this acceptable. He agreed, and things changed. 
Unfortunately, I was constantly looking over my shoulder for clues that he was cheating. Oh my goodness, did I ever! I was checking pockets, and smelling shirts. There was no texting yet thank goodness. He was still an uptight man, who argued a lot, and liked to throw in comments to "put me in my place", but I never found actual proof he was cheating. All I told myself was that he was "better at hiding it" now. 
Years passed and things continued this way, sex became a job to avoid a fight, and it didn't matter anyway, because I always felt used anyway. He would roll over and fall asleep. Its sad when you cry after sex... We slowly drifted apart. 
My daughter once asked me why I let her father talk to me the way I do? A wake up call that I'm becoming a bigger doormat than ever. 
Then, one night he blew a major gasket over something trivial. It escalated and he ended up punching a hole in the wall, punching a tv, and a door. His knuckles were bloody and sore and he shook them in my face as he yelled at me. I was terrified, but he never hit me. He apologized profusely the following day, saying he was going to change and get some help for his anger problem. I started seeing a counselor. Basically, his anger management lasted a total of 2 sessions. And I put a time frame on how long I was going to stay in my marriage. 5 years. That was when my kids were out of high school. Kinda sad.
I started to really retreat after this. Taking advantage of times he would be away for business (relief... freedom).
Recently I found an old email he sent to a woman from a high school reunion a while back. It wasn't too terrible, but did say he really enjoyed spending time w her, and dancing, and texting back and forth on the long ride home. Then he mentioned he had her number so maybe he could call her sometime. She lives pretty far away, so I wasn't too concerned this would happen. I also found an email from her. It started with "Hi Sweetie". Sweetie?? and she attached a picture of them being cozy at the reunion. The weird thing is that these emails were sent to his work email and he even forwarded the one from her to yet a different work email. Im not sure how it ended up in our home email. I asked him about it, and he brushed it off as "excessive flirting" but nothing else. Not sure if I believed it,or even know what that is, but the fact he hid it from me threw up a red flag. 5 years later-- time for another reunion, and he facebook messages HER to see if she is going. There wasnt a reply, but who's to say they didn't communicate some other way. Once again, I'm back to searching for things in pockets, checking emails, smelling shirts. The bad thing is, I cant check his messages because it is a work phone. At one time I could get on his phone and look, but if I wanted to see if he was deleting any, it was impossible. And he still has his work emails, that I have to access to at all. 
He tells me he has not been unfaithful since I found out about the first one(s). Maybe he hasn't, but I'm still putting up with his crap. We went on a Christmas cruise a couple years back, and he decided to take scuba lessons. They lasted every day, for nearly the whole day! I spent the vacation by myself. When we did have some time together, it ended in him yelling at me, and calling me a bi*** over the hallway phone. I thought he was leaving the room to get "US" something to drink-- I was anticipating intimacy-- he went to get himself a sandwich. And he ate it by himself. 
So here I am. My first kid is off to college. My second still has 2 more years of high school. I dont want to wait anymore. Life is too short. But... my husbands father recently passed away, and he tells me he is a completely different man now. He realizes what he has, etc etc. It would be nice to believe him, but how many times do I have to forgive... and hopefully not become the doormat yet again? And, if he does change and I leave, some other woman will get the "best" of him... when I had the crud. Advice? Should I risk possible "bliss" and keep my "family" together, or should I get out while I can?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Wow this goes so far beyond just adultery it's hard to pick a starting place.

Your husband is an abusive, likely alcoholic man. Very angry, unable to control himself (which in part explains the adultery). 

You have been far too forgiving. Love cannot be unconditional and it MUST be reciprocated. Love is also an action; a decision. Your husband, through his actions, does NOT love you. You do not hurt, over and over, the person you claim to love.

Your husband also does not see your constant forgiveness as an act of mercy - he sees it as weakness. He, in essence, controls you. He can treat you any way he wants and get away with it. The only one who can stop that cycle of abuse (yes you are being abused) is YOU.

Head for the hills. Your children know what the home life is like. They know what kind of man their father is. They will adapt. Divorce is hell on kids but I think, less so than a radically dysfunctional house to come home to every day.


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## Yessongs72 (Dec 6, 2012)

1confusedgal said:


> Then I found out my husband was having an affair. Actually, I found out that he had had many affairs...
> 
> ...how many times do I have to forgive... and hopefully not become the doormat yet again? And, if he does change and I leave, some other woman will get the "best" of him... when I had the crud. Advice? Should I risk possible "bliss" and keep my "family" together, or should I get out while I can?


I think you've forgiven him quite enough already. 

Your daughter thinks you are a doormat.

Go for the bliss - get out while you can.

(don't worry about another woman 'getting the best of him'. she won't, it doesn't exist).


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My two cents worth. Look at separation first. Let things simmer down and then decide what you want. You will have a clearer head, be able to set some guidlines for yourself. But if you separate I would suggest some very clear rules. No dating, the separation would be for the marriage. Like I said, my two cents worth.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Do you want more of the same? If so, stay with him. If not, leave his abusive a$$.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Start standing up for yourself now. 

Tell him the rules have changed. You're no longer going to be his doormat. If he's ok with the new rules, you can give it a shot, if you'd like. But YOU need to follow your new rules too! Stand firm. Show him a new woman that respects herself and will not ever again tolerate this crap. Be consistent. Allways stand up for yourself. 

If he's not ok with all this, walk. Serve his azz with divorce papers. Only then, once he clearly understands he is dealing with a new woman, who is no longer willing to be his doormat, will he possibly change. 

A 16 year old daughter is no reason to stay in this relationship. Either he changes, or you go. Set a good example for her by showing her how a strong confident woman acts in the face of the adversity of a man treating her poorly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Please remember our children watch us to see how they should treat others, and also *how they should expect to be treated*.


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