# 6 month marriage -problems



## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

I married my wife in August 2009. I had known her for three years and lived with her for 2. We live in her apartment in a nice part of town. She is a barrister/lawyer while I worked in IT. I just started a good new job but lost it when the company went bankrupt just before I got married. The economy in Ireland where I live is suffering very badly from the world recession and I am not alone in looking for a job. My father also died at the same time losing a battle against cancer. I switched jobs just as I agreed to the marriage as I thought I needed a bigger job if I was getting married - big mistake.
My wife was the one who pushed to get married. I love her very much but wanted to wait until my situation was more stable. However, as we are both 40 time isn’t on our side so I saw her point of view and we went ahead. She was so keen she even bought her own ring eight months before I asked her to marry me. I could never have afforded the rings she wanted.
Since we got married she has withdrawn from me physically and sexually - we had an initial pattern up until Christmas of sex once a month. She's a clever girl if we were trying for a baby we need to do it a lot more than that. Before marriage sex was never an issue and we did it regularly. Her excuses now are that she’s too tired or sick. It came to a head an xmas we had words and things improved for a week but its falling into the same pattern. She said she’s worried about my job situation. She regularly insults me bad kisser, bad breath, bad skin, bad dresser and that I smell. I have asked friends both male and female who say I have not changed and that I have always been a good looking guy of athletic build who looks after his appearance. I may have let things slip slightly but I have quickly rectified that. One particularly bad night she said I let her down in front of her barrister/lawyer friends at a party.
She wants me to be in same room as her but doesn’t want physical contact. She pretends she wants to kiss me but pulls away when I go near. She wants to sleep in same bed as me but doesn’t want any form of touching or intimacy. What’s going on - - is she fooling herself? My sleep got very irregular but I have started masturbating more regularly so at least I am not lying awake in bed all night. This situation is hurting me a lot as I do love her. She talks to a friend who also recently got married also a lot on the phone. She says her friend isn’t into sex but sees it as an ordeal to have a kid etc. She is also a lot more secretive over her phone now.
I know she's not having an affair - I overheard her say as much to a friend. Although she could have her eye on someone else - that I dont know. She has said in the recent past that Im being paranoid. If I got a job would things go back to the way they were?

Why does she pretend that she wants to kiss me and be in the same bed with me when her actions tell me the opposite. Is it going through the motions whats the point?

I would be crushed but would rather face up to reality - so any other advice? Thanks

What should I do; any advice very much appreciated?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

Tell her that while you might be kind of old to start over, you're far too young to do this for the rest of your life. This isn't anything like the marriage you wanted, and you can't imagine that it's anything like the marriage she wanted. So how did it get this way, and how are we going to fix it?


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

It seems like she's feeling disappointed in you, or what marriage has delivered, or maybe just a general feeling of disappointment in where she is right now. Of course taking this out on you in this way is completely wrong.

My suggestion would be to go to a couple's counselor. If you are trying your best to get work, keep up your appearance and just be the man she loved and wanted to marry, then it seems the issue is mainly hers. It would be really helpful to have a professional talk her through what's changed in her head and heart.

If you're not doing your best (and you sound like you are), start doing it. And make sure you communicate that to her.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Dubbel said:


> I married my wife in August 2009. I had known her for three years and lived with her for 2. We live in her apartment in a nice part of town. She is a barrister/lawyer while I worked in IT. I just started a good new job but lost it when the company went bankrupt just before I got married. The economy in Ireland where I live is suffering very badly from the world recession and I am not alone in looking for a job. My father also died at the same time losing a battle against cancer. I switched jobs just as I agreed to the marriage as I thought I needed a bigger job if I was getting married - big mistake.
> My wife was the one who pushed to get married. I love her very much but wanted to wait until my situation was more stable. However, as we are both 40 time isn’t on our side so I saw her point of view and we went ahead. She was so keen she even bought her own ring eight months before I asked her to marry me. I could never have afforded the rings she wanted.
> Since we got married she has withdrawn from me physically and sexually - we had an initial pattern up until Christmas of sex once a month. She's a clever girl if we were trying for a baby we need to do it a lot more than that. Before marriage sex was never an issue and we did it regularly. Her excuses now are that she’s too tired or sick. It came to a head an xmas we had words and things improved for a week but its falling into the same pattern. She said she’s worried about my job situation. She regularly insults me bad kisser, bad breath, bad skin, bad dresser and that I smell. I have asked friends both male and female who say I have not changed and that I have always been a good looking guy of athletic build who looks after his appearance. I may have let things slip slightly but I have quickly rectified that. One particularly bad night she said I let her down in front of her barrister/lawyer friends at a party.
> She wants me to be in same room as her but doesn’t want physical contact. She pretends she wants to kiss me but pulls away when I go near. She wants to sleep in same bed as me but doesn’t want any form of touching or intimacy. What’s going on - - is she fooling herself? My sleep got very irregular but I have started masturbating more regularly so at least I am not lying awake in bed all night. This situation is hurting me a lot as I do love her. She talks to a friend who also recently got married also a lot on the phone. She says her friend isn’t into sex but sees it as an ordeal to have a kid etc. She is also a lot more secretive over her phone now.
> ...


I think you need to REALLY talk with her. She sound alot like how I acted toward my H this past year or so. In fact, many of the things you describe, I sadly can say I did too. I would make comments about my H's breath, him smelling, etc. I wanted him in bed with me at night but not touching me, etc. What was the problem? I was angry and resentful toward my H. He went into business for himself (with a partner) about 3 years ago. I was nervous because we already were in a not good financial situation due to him losing his job when I was pregnant with our first child due to downsizing and never finding another where he made as much money. On top of me not going back to work full time after my daughter was born and her having medical issues that put us even further in debt. I told him that I would support him but it couldn't financially ruin us. 

Well, as everyone knows the first 3-5 years of most businesses are very tough. Not to mention with this economy - even worse. So, in the winter months we would go with no paychecks (I was working only P/T), etc. Long story short - financially we're struggling where we shouldn't be at our age and it pis*** me off! So, I blamed him - wholly for the situaiton we are in, right or wrong, and it just got worse and worse. I blamed him when the kids stressed me out, you name it. 

WOW, sorry to go on like that. Basicially I think their may be more to this. I don't think it's you or anything sexual. Sex is more emotional than physical for women so if she is harboring any resentment for your job situation that could be a factor. You said she's a lawyer - so the fact that you are perhaps in a ideal job in her eyes play a part? 

This is something you really need to talk to her about. She may not even realize she's harboring so much anger/resentment.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

why try for a baby if your having problems??? a baby isnt going fix them, what type of life will that child have in an unhappy marriage? see a therapist= problems fix= happy children


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## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I think Alexandra and mommy2 have hit the nail on the head.
She is disappointed in our financial position and "where" she's at in this stage of our lives. I understand her worries I feel them too. My wife always talks of having a house in the nice area in which we currently live in our apartment etc...
As I said I left what was probably the perfect well paid job for me at this stage to try to advance myself quicker with the company that went bust. But my original job is gone, I'm not getting it back and I must move on. I had a very bad time just before we got married with my dad, who I was exceptionally close to, dying, and losing my job basically in the same week. 
Could I try harder with my appearance and job hunting?- I have been trying but will try harder and give it my absolute best on both fronts so it will never be reasonably considered to be an issue again.
After reading your replies I had a talk with her. Just like artieb suggested – fix a problem rather than let it grow. She said that it is normal for feelings to go through cycles in a marriage. So she admited that her feeling have changed since we got married at this stage - they can go back with effort of both parties I hope? She gets very angry when I give her instances of her rejection of me, like I’m keeping tabs. As I said she seemed to be fooling herself a bit that she wasn’t avoiding sex when she clearly was. Like making a token touch gesture as I went to the kitchen or telling me it was a pity that I wasn't about earlier when she was in the mood.
But the talk had an effect last night we had sex which she initiated. There were no criticisms or saying "you're doing it wrong" , it was just like old times. She said she never wanted to hear from me again that I wasn't interested in sex. I love her dearly and her parents’ couldn’t treat me any better than if I was their own son - she comes from good stock. Hopefully this is the new start and things don’t fall into a pattern again.
Babies could be a long shot at our age - I don’t want to give up any opportunity due to what will hopefully turn out to be a passing phase.
Mommy2 – your story seems very similar -just one last nagging doubt - do you still basically love your husband as much as you've always done? Would you ever consider starting an affair? Did it seriously cross your mind? Do I need to worry that she'll leave me if something "better" comes along? Before I got married I wouldn't have dreamed it possible that I would be asking these questions - she just seemed so grounded and sensible. My wife sent a text to an old single male friend on Christmas Day and the text worried me slightly. The friend suffered a death in his family and they exchanged texts, arranged to meet up sometime in the New Year, said that they were thinking of one another and each signed with an x. She didn’t want me to see this text and never mentioned a meeting to me but then said he was just an old friend - but why hide it and not tell me? She just told me she going to the cinema with a girlfriend to see a chick flick and immediately I am thinking "is she off to see her old male friend". Also at Christmas she admitted she could have thought of me a bit more when I was home alone and she went out to work parties. Her friend invited her new husband to join them after the meals, so i was feeling very left out; I was hoping that my wife is also my best friend. If I am being paranoid, like she says, I'm sorry, if I am being over needy, just tell me to relax, cool it and cheer up and build on what I'm very lucky to have.

Cheers for all your words, they helped a lot. It is difficult being a male and not having friends you can talk to about these matters.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Dubbel said:


> Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. I think Alexandra and mommy2 have hit the nail on the head.
> She is disappointed in our financial position and "where" she's at in this stage of our lives. I understand her worries I feel them too. My wife always talks of having a house in the nice area in which we currently live in our apartment etc...
> As I said I left what was probably the perfect well paid job for me at this stage to try to advance myself quicker with the company that went bust. But my original job is gone, I'm not getting it back and I must move on. I had a very bad time just before we got married with my dad, who I was exceptionally close to, dying, and losing my job basically in the same week.
> Could I try harder with my appearance and job hunting?- I have been trying but will try harder and give it my absolute best on both fronts so it will never be reasonably considered to be an issue again.
> ...



Dubbel - I actually think I love my husband MORE! I don't think I actually stopped loving him, but I stopped BEING in love with him. Did *I* ever consider having an affair or leaving him? NO, I would have never done either. BUT for me, it's because of my two children. I would never have broken up our family and I could never be away from my kids. So, I wouldn't have left him because that would mean he would get my kids on the weekends, etc. I would have stayed in are marriage for my kids. If we didn't have our kids, well, that could have possibly been a different story, I don't know. 

I think you should definitely keep your lines of communication open. It sounds like you have made some progress already. I wouldn't look for sympathy from her. I would continue to be the strong man she fell in love with and married. Be everything you were that made her fall in the love with you. Good Luck!


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## Alexandra (Jan 9, 2010)

Cheers to online friends and support is right! 

It doesn't sound like you're being too needy, but it does sound like you're not feeling needed.

Totally glad that she initiated and you had a good time of it  Keep talking about it, keep putting yourself out there and communicating your feelings.

As for keeping tabs, maybe you could approach things in a different way. Ask questions instead of accusing, bring up positives instances and encourage. That way she might not feel defensive. Often being defensive is a sign of also feeling guilty (often, but not always!)


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## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

Thanks guys.

I have also been reading the posts of BigBadWolf - he's very insightful isn’t he?

I believe he’s right you must be the dominant male and have your life and invite your spouse into it rather than trying to do everything for your wife. I know there’s a balance but I have noticed doing more for her in terms of work and romantic gestures didn’t really get the response I expected. She told her friend that i was acting the “street angel” as I was helping her parents so much?? - That hurt.

Before she complained that I was not thoughtful or romantic enough but really there were no problem and we engaged lots. It’s obvious that her respect for me has gone down. We had sex Sunday night but last night Tuesday when I moved she said to leave it until tomorrow as she was tired. She is trying; I’ll give her that but then she leaves quickly this morning (Wednesday)while I was in bathroom without saying goodbye. She said she knocked on door but she didnt I heard her grab keys and go, as if she wanted to avoid the bother of a ‘bye’ . So there are still issues. As I said we had words at Christmas and things improved for a day or two before going a bit bad hopefully the pattern doesn’t repeat itself. The main thing that sticks in my head is her saying her feelings had changed and this is normal - hardly so soon after a wedding?

My job situation is a massive influence; I have interviews coming so fingers crossed. I am a bit disappointed that her view of me has changed because of my job situation (well it has played a significant part at least). I really did believe “for better or worse" so to change so quickly worries me. As if she is emotionally unattaching herself and as Bigbadwolf says she would be open to affairs if one presented. I will be positive, helpful where I can be and perhaps be a bit manlier –burrow my furrow and let her follow as she wanted to do before


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Similar boat here. She is not into you right now. The timing of it sucks. SInce I dont know her and what is truly going on... it will either pass when you find a job (if that's it), or she pushed for marriage with you for ulterior motives... it sounded like she really pushed you at a time when you werent ready. What exactly was her rush? Age? Truly loving you? Control? 

BBW has great advice, as even powerful women, like her being a lawyer, like to be with a powerful man. She needs to see you that way again. I guess she is shallow to the extent that she has a complete lack of respect for your plight... job loss and recently passed father. But pointing that out to her, will only make things worse. She needs you to get a job, she has to see you that way if how you describe her here is right. SOme people are just focused on those external things more than others. Good luck with your interviews...


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

She is also the kind of person you dont ever want to point things out to about how she doesnt want sex with you, etc... she will see that as whiny and weak. Even if you are just trying to clarify things, dont. They will turn her off.


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## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

We've actually known each other for 4 years she wanted to get married for last 3. She gave me an ultimatum that she wanted me to propose by Christmas 08 last year. She bought her own rings on a trip to the US last year. I see her point we are in our 40s even if timing wasn't good. As I said I love her ... so I intended asking her in time anyhow. 

I know whining about sex wont woo her or keeping tabs but I must confront her from time to time if the pattern starts again. The alternative is to ignore it: I’ve tried that and the gap just got bigger. She says she loves me and wants sex with me etc... But her actions at times at times.. although I am giving her the benefit of the doubt

Mommy2 - I’m sorry and I’m grateful for your posts/help but I just don’t buy that I love my husband but I’m not in love. I love lots of people to different degrees but a husband/wife you are either in the relationship fully and in love or not. If you have kids, yes that makes a difference, but you are still not in love with your husband you are staying for your kids which is entirely commendable but not the question I am asking. It is worrying that my wife is exhibiting the same behaviour as you were. Do you still have sex with your H, do you do out of duty? How long did it take when your behaviour changed to realise that you were out of love? Is there anything your H can now do or is it a done deal? Do or did you have you eye on someone else or was/is the catalyst financial? Is this a negative attitude towards women or that this is the way things are and I am just learning the reality of the situation now?
I am not going to beg for sex or put numbers on it (when I suggested sex twice a week, she said she was not a prostitute). I not a fool either and I will keep my eye on her for the time being, I hate snooping but its better to know . At the same time I have enough pride in myself and when I have confronted her, the attitude has changed and she has admitted a degree of fault. She is a lot more wary of criticism which was coming all too easy to her. When we have argued I have threatened to put space even temporarily between us and she has gone into hysterics and her attitude has changed – hopefully it will last


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Your woman is indeed a strong woman, and it will take a strong man to be happy with her and to continue to light a fire in such a woman.

The bad news is this takes much courage and strength, and is not for the lazy man who is wanting to sit back in "cruise control" in the relationship. This kind of woman will not be satisfied with that. In fact, such a woman will be quick to let her man know by her actions she is not satisfied with that.

The good news is this, when the good man has won the trust and passion and attraction of such a strong woman, it is in no small way rewarded to him for his achievement. 

So much so, these stories of old, of the shining knight slaying the dragon to win the maiden, and receiving all when he is victorious, it is this very thing those old myths were speaking of. 



Dubbel said:


> The main thing that sticks in my head is her saying her feelings had changed and this is normal - hardly so soon after a wedding?


If a woman is not feeling the same way to her man, passionate and sexual and emotionally connected, even in six months or 30 years, there is resentment and it is for the good man to discover it and fix it.



> My job situation is a massive influence; I have interviews coming so fingers crossed. I am a bit disappointed that her view of me has changed because of my job situation (well it has played a significant part at least). I really did believe “for better or worse" so to change so quickly worries me. As if she is emotionally unattaching herself and as Bigbadwolf says she would be open to affairs if one presented. I will be positive, helpful where I can be and perhaps be a bit manlier –burrow my furrow and let her follow as she wanted to do before


Yes this is true that the job situation can make a man look weak to a woman, and you are knowing already about the dangerous emotional disconnect that happens when a woman does not respect her man, but consider this:

Consider the possibility that it is perhaps as much that your attitude about yourself has plummeted, in so many little ways that maybe you do not notice, but your woman that is focused on you does.

I have known the sexual and emotionally healthy relationships, where the man is not much even employed ever for more than a little at a time for years and years even, and he is with a successful earning woman, but the attitude of the man is nothing less than if he was the sole breadwinner or some such thing, and the way he carries himself, and the attentiveness and dominance such a man still shows to his woman, and she is loving him for it. 

So it is not complete to say it is, or it isn't, about money or career, but instead so much on attitude and attentiveness a man shows to his woman, that may or may not rise and fall based on how a man imagines himself.

So it is this important to know this, "attitude is everything". Do not miss this!

For the strong career minded woman, these things are still the same, she is looking for her man to be absolutely the man in control of himself, and someone she is able to trust, even at the end of the day, when she can finally let her guard down, feel utterly feminine, and fall into the strong emotional dominance of her man.

For even the strongest and successful career minded women are still women, and she will reward her man when he is showing her he is made of the mettle to earn her trust, and she will be safe to open herself emotionally and sexually to this man, her shining knight.

But just as those stories of old, before this will happen, the dragons must be slayed.

I wish you well.


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## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> So it is this important to know this, "attitude is everything". Do not miss this!


Thanks for the wise words - you are so right


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

Dubbel said:


> Mommy2 - I’m sorry and I’m grateful for your posts/help but I just don’t buy that I love my husband but I’m not in love. I love lots of people to different degrees but a husband/wife you are either in the relationship fully and in love or not. If you have kids, yes that makes a difference, but you are still not in love with your husband you are staying for your kids which is entirely commendable but not the question I am asking. It is worrying that my wife is exhibiting the same behaviour as you were. Do you still have sex with your H, do you do out of duty? How long did it take when your behaviour changed to realise that you were out of love? Is there anything your H can now do or is it a done deal? Do or did you have you eye on someone else or was/is the catalyst financial? Is this a negative attitude towards women or that this is the way things are and I am just learning the reality of the situation now?
> I am not going to beg for sex or put numbers on it (when I suggested sex twice a week, she said she was not a prostitute). I not a fool either and I will keep my eye on her for the time being, I hate snooping but its better to know . At the same time I have enough pride in myself and when I have confronted her, the attitude has changed and she has admitted a degree of fault. She is a lot more wary of criticism which was coming all too easy to her. When we have argued I have threatened to put space even temporarily between us and she has gone into hysterics and her attitude has changed – hopefully it will last



Dubbel - That is how I felt before....NOT NOW. I was resentful and angry with my H for many things, financial being a big one. I treated my H in some of the same ways your W is treating you. If I want to be brutally honest, yes I probably saw him as "less of a man" in some ways because I blamed him for not having his business being in the black right away. I probably saw him negatively because he wasn't providing for us, etc. NOT right but there were other things too. He was upset and depressed about the situation too but instead of confiding in me he kept it inside and drew away from me. He wasn't acting confident, he was acting defeated. (and that p*ssed me off too) We would fight alot and he wouldn't stand up to me, he would get nasty and defensive. BUT THAT IS ALL IN THE PAST. I know what I did wrong in our relationship and so does he. 

I am madly in love with my H. We have a wonderful sex life. Again, the similarities between your wife and I are how I used to be/act. Not now. I learned the hard way. Your wife is fortunate that you are making strides now to fix this.


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## Dubbel (Jan 16, 2010)

mommy2 - I am so glad you worked through your problems and came out stronger the other side. Financial problems are very testing I know.
I know what I have to do ( I hope  ). Thanks for all your words and wishes. 

Cheers! :smthumbup:


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## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

Wolfy, you pretty much said what I wanted to say  



BigBadWolf said:


> So it is this important to know this, "attitude is everything". Do not miss this!
> 
> For the strong career minded woman, these things are still the same, she is looking for her man to be absolutely the man in control of himself, and someone she is able to trust, even at the end of the day, when she can finally let her guard down, feel utterly feminine, and fall into the strong emotional dominance of her man.
> 
> ...


Dubbel, I can't speak for all women but I can speak for those with a strong career. 

I want my man to be in charge, not me. If I led the relationship I would push him to the point of either manning up or breaking the relationship, to make way for someone who can. Please understand that it wouldn't be "My" decision to break the relationship it would be his. Mainly because that would probably would of been the one of the few times he actually made a decision during the relationship. I act this way on purpose, because I want to make sure that I married a MAN and not another WOMAN!

I'm sorry for talking like I was attacking you, please rest assured that it isn't directed at you or meant harm in anyway. I just want you to understand that no matter how much she claws at you, it's a cry for help. We are just too stubborn to admit that we want your help ;p


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