# Should I forgive him if he cheated again?



## dietcokegirl (Jun 26, 2010)

I know this is the same old story over and over, but when it happens to you, it is just not so cut and dry. he cheated 2 years ago-multiple times. Came to me and came clean (I had no clue but we had some other problems in the marriage) Worked through it, went to marriage counseling, and marriage was stronger than ever. 2 months ago he came to me again and told me he a sex with a stranger he met on his way home from work. He felt guilty and ashamed and said he needed help. He has been in a sex addiction rehab program for 4 weeks and came home a week ago. We have 3 kids together (all under 6) and he is an amazing and attentive dad and a very equal partner in marriage -besides the HUGE cheating issue of course. I want to make the marriage work, but I don't want to live in fear the rest of my life. Although I didn't forget the first time, I was still happier than before the affair had happened because we had built up a stronger relationship. I am young with a good (potential career-now I mainly stay home with the kiddos) and head on my shoulders, I know I could easily move on, but worry about the kids. They ADORE their dad, and he is a really hands on dad-home every night from work at 4:30, helps with dinners, baths, usually puts one or two of them to sleep, we work together well. He wants to get better and has been going to therapy or SLAA meetings everyday. What do I do???


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

dietcokegirl said:


> Although I didn't forget the first time, I was still happier than before the affair had happened because we had built up a stronger relationship.


I think you answered this yourself. If he is willing to do the work, and stick with it, then you are likely to be ok.

However, I think it's worth some support for you to help rebuild the trust. You are living with an addict and need to figure out how to support him and protect yourself and kids.


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## TheRelationshpSupermarket (Feb 21, 2010)

One of the important issues is if you're willing to live in fear. Not only is this addiction (as he calls it) bad for your relationship, it's also dangerous health-wise. Is he using protection? Who is he having sex with? Are they prostitutes? They're likely to be (unless, of course he's having affairs with women he knows from work).

An addict stays an addict long after he/she stops 'using'. He will always be an addict even IF he stops cheating on you. Are you willing to live with this? Do you still love him? Does he love you? All these are questions to ask yourself (and him). 

Him being a great dad has nothing to do with his relationship with you. He can still be a wonderful dad with you two living separately. Keep in mind that if you become very unhappy and depressed, this is also bad for your young kids. 

A great dad also tries to make 'mummy' happy. It doesn't sound like he's doing that at this moment. There is only so much a person can take. I think in the end, the decision to stay or go will have to be yours. He will forever be happy to give vent to his 'addiction' and crawl back to be forgiven. 

Years ago men who cheat were called to give an account for sleeping around. Nowadays since the celebrities' sex-addiction' claims are even catching on to us.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

dietcokegirl, only you can decide whether or not to continue in a marriage with a serial adulterer. Only you know the affect it has on yourself. I certainly admire you for sticking in this marriage and working to make it better, and thinking of how a divorce would impact your children. That is the mark of an unselfish person.

Your husband may or may not be a sex addict, but nonetheless it's a good sign that he's willing to seek some help via counseling. I hope part of that counseling includes awareness and avoiding situations where he has the opportunity to cheat. After all, if someone gets bitten every time they handle snakes, they should probably not handle snakes at all, rather than try to become a better snake handler.


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## dietcokegirl (Jun 26, 2010)

All such good advice, I am glad I posted. There is good points in all your posts. It was a one time sexual encounter and yes he used protection-but it was also pre-meditated. He stopped at the liquor store on the way home from work and bought a 3 pack of condoms and on the way home from work tried to pick up on girls until he found an easy one. So that is scary. Also scary that I had no clue, he is never even 15 minutes late coming home from work. It was one time but he said at the point when he told me he was getting the desire to do it again even though he hated it and needed help with his problem, going to therapy classes, etc. I have also been tested by my dr, with negative results. He does treat me with love and respect, calls frequently throughout the day to see how I am, buys me gifts every so often, sometimes I will come home from work (I take call at a local hospital 2 nights a week) and all the laundry will be folded and put away-and I mean like 10 loads of laundry, lol. He says he loves me so much and will be celibate the rest of his life if i choose to leave, which he knows is enivitable. Of course I love him still, we have been married 9 years and it takes a lot to just stop loving someone, but I have lost my respect for him. I also don't understand addictions as I have never personally had one. I am understanding them more by going to therapy. Right now my decision- he is moving out as I just cannot work on the problem right now. He can come see the kids after work but not stay here while I take some time to figure out what I want. I hate sitting stagnant but I just can't make a decision right now. I keep changing my mind and I do not want regrets. Any more advice, I never thought this would happen to me, it seems so surreal!


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## dietcokegirl (Jun 26, 2010)

A great dad also tries to make 'mummy' happy. It doesn't sound like he's doing that at this moment. There is only so much a person can take. I think in the end, the decision to stay or go will have to be yours. He will forever be happy to give vent to his 'addiction' and crawl back to be forgiven. 

-Yes that is what I am most afraid of, if I forgive it might be letting him off too easy.........


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Alcoholism is an addiction
Drug abuse is an addiction
Cigarettes are an addiction
Online games can become an addiction
Pornography can become an addiction
And I'm sure there are others

These fall in the category of vices and can perhaps be overcome with therapy and support groups and such. But sex addiction is a whole nother beast - one I do not believe can be overcome simply by changing one's way of thinking or with any amount of determination. In other words, I do not believe a person with a sex addiction can be rehabilitated. Just like a pedophile cannot be rehabilitated. A serial rapist or serial murderer cannot be rehabilitated. Very simply, these people are going to child molest, rape, or murder again. You probably resent me placing your husband in a category with people like this, but I'm not placing him in any category. I am saying there are far-reaching implications where sex addiction is concerned, just as there are with these other addictions (unlike the ones I first mentioned).

It is unrealistic for your husband to think he can manage his addiction on his own. The reason is that I believe (with absolutely no data to back it up) that these types of behaviors are either psychological or physiological. What that means is he has an illness for which you would no more receive therapy as a cure than you would expect therapy to cure cancer or manic depression or an ear infection. If he truly has a sex addiction, then there is something driving him that he cannot control, so he needs medicine to control his urges just like any other illness needs medicine to treat or cure. In some cases, therapy (along with the medication) will help a person get to the core of that driving force, help them figure out what it is that makes them behave the way they do. But something like that takes years of therapy and certainly not a fashioned 12 step program. Still, all of that would depend of whether his illness is psychological because it could as well be physiological. He needs a full checkup including testing his testosterone levels, plus cluing his doctor in on what is going on. Doc would then know other things to check for. Additionally, he needs a full psychiatric evaluation, and that takes weeks in a facility to determine what drugs to prescribe and to monitor him so they can tweak the dosage. He admits he has a problem, but is he willing to subject himself to all of that? 

I think his willingness or unwillingness is the answer to your question of what to do. It will help you determine if he actually has an illness and needs help or if he is a c*ckhound using addiction as an excuse for his deplorable behavior. If truly he has an illness, then he deserves your support if he agrees to really getting help and doing whatever it takes. I'm sorry but I don't believe in sex rehabilitation programs, not for practical application long term because I do believe it is a much bigger problem than a person can be expected to manage forever.

So your answer lies with him and what he is willing to do. You deserve to be happy and not repeatedly hurt like this for the rest of who knows when.


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## jeffreygropp (Jun 9, 2010)

Fool me once, shame on you. 

Fool me twice... :scratchhead:


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## Jake Andrews (Jun 25, 2010)

A couple of points. I think that you made the right decision to have him leave, there is nothing wrong with you getting some distance between you & him and there's certainly nothing wrong with you taking your time to think about his behavior and how it affects you and the kids and where to go from here. The decision of getting back with him or divorcing him should take serious thought and some time. Definitely wouldn't hurt to approach a trusted confidant who is older & more mature and may be able to give some insight or questions to consider before making a decision.
"Sex Addict"? Really? No, it is self-control, it is the conviction of not only knowing what the right thing to do is but also following through with doing the right thing. Don't let him or others' advice cloud your thinking about "sex therapy" (what is that exactly anyways?) and maybe needing medication, etc. Come on, let's call it for what it is, adultery, sin. The only real way to cure it is to truly be sorry and repent of it before you and God. Then, can true deliverance begin in his life (it is more than just going to church), it is getting his life right with God and you and walking in a new direction which aligns with the bible....for real. It is a change of heart not a "sex therapist" that will change him from the inside-out. You can't do it for him or for the sake of keeping the family together, he has to make that commitment himself and right now the word "commitment" doesn't seem to mean much to him. You've done the right thing by having him leave. Continue to take your time and obtain advice from a couple of very wise and seasoned individuals whom you can confide in.
I wish you well.


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