# Is this a walk-away husband?



## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

For the past six months or more, my husband and I had been going through a rough patch. We were in counseling and it was helping, but not as much or as quickly as we needed. However, it seemed that we were both committed to making it work and that we were slowly making progress. 

To my great surprise, my husband moved out a few weeks ago. He says that he does not want a divorce, but he needs a break from the conflict and "apprehension of conflict" before we can continue to work on our relationship. The conflict he is referring to is primarily me being worried about his lack of commitment and reaching out to him for affirmation, and him getting annoyed and/or feeling pressured by my need for reassurance. He claims that we were secure until I started doing this, and that my worry has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Initially, he asked for a six week break -- not quite no contact, because we have children together, but no talking about us, seeing other, etc. except as needed to deal with the kids. Since then, he has softened up a bit, and we've socialized together a few times and had sex. I sent him a letter asking to clarify our boundaries so that he can have the space he needs and we can leave the door open for reconciliation, and he has responded positively to it. However, he is not ready to work on our relationship yet and doesn't know when he will be. 

He claims that he still loves me and that he has NOT fallen out of love with me. (In other words, no ILYBINILWY.) He claims there is no one else and for various reasons (lack of any evidence despite a thorough investigation, plus other circumstances that make it impossible and/or unlikely) I'm choosing to believe him, but I'm also keeping my eye out just in case. 

I've been handling myself really well -- no crying, begging, pleading, etc. Very little anger (just a couple of conversations where I raised my voice). I only call him to talk about our children and other logistical issues. I'm making new friends and reconnecting with old ones. 

Of course, I have been reading up on mid-life crises (he's 35), walk-away spouses, wayward spouses, etc and I see definite parallels, but at the same time he's not demanding a divorce or telling me that we have no future. Do you think it's possible that he's more than a stereotype? Could I have pushed him away by seeking out a connection? Is it possible that he will feel safe to return once he no longer feels pressured?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Time to hire a PI to follow him around for a few days.

Do you have access to his cell phone records? See if he's calling or texting a number repeatedly.

What kind of "thorough investigation" have you already done?

Sounds like there may be someone else in the picture.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

"Thorough investigation" means the things you mentioned and more. I don't want to go into too many details because I recognize that this is a public forum.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I understand.

I'm not sure if he's a "walkaway" husband... that's usually in terms of someone who cheats and leaves their spouse for another.

But he certainly sounds like he doesn't know what he wants. He's placing you in a kind of limbo-h*ll.



Samantha86 said:


> The conflict he is referring to is primarily *me being worried about his lack of commitment and reaching out to him for affirmation, and him getting annoyed and/or feeling pressured by my need for reassurance.* He claims that we were secure until I started doing this, and that my worry has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.


Do you agree with his assessment of the problem? Are you really the cause of this, or is he blame shifting?

Not fair at all. Especially since he can't really articulate what exactly he's hoping to gain from this separation. I think your problems would be more easily worked out with him living in the house.

I'm sorry for what you're going through.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Where did he move out to?


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

happy, I think that's his truth, but I don't think it's objectively true or especially fair to me. Unfortunately, he has always had a difficult time accepting responsibility for his mistakes (he will apologize for hurting me, but he will still feel justified in his mind for whatever it was that he did) AND he doesn't know how to forgive, which makes for a painfully inaccurate perspective on our relationship. 

I'm willing to accept that I should have tried to be more calm when I felt him pulling away. At the time, I felt that I deserved to be reassured whenever I needed it (and frankly, our MC was supportive of this), but I'm starting to see how my husband felt that he was constantly on-call to give me support. But, I think he could have reacted differently too. 

Honestly, my biggest fear in all of this is not that he won't come back, but that he won't ever accept responsibility for his role in our marital problems or show genuine remorse for his mistakes -- at which point I'll have a really difficult choice to make. 

counterfit, he's in a nearby rental (2 min drive, tops).


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Has he given you and idea what he expects to resolve after this trial separation? If he's not willing to work on the relationship through counseling during this period I don't see how it will resolve anything. If he honestly thinks the "issue" was what he perceives as your insecurity about the relationship, won't that still be there when he returns? How is he doing anything productive except reinforcing that he doesn't want you to bother him with your feelings?


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

Pluto2 said:


> Has he given you and idea what he expects to resolve after this trial separation?


He's made a few references to how me asking for so much reassurance drove a wedge between us, and also how he thinks that I want genuine affection rather than habitual affection or affection on a schedule. It seems to me that he simply wants no pressure to perform in any way other than how he wants to.

The part about affection was especially difficult for me to hear, because one of the personal breakthroughs that I had made during our stint in MC was to accept that affectionate gestures made on a schedule or because I ask for them _are_ genuine, if they are intended to show love and commitment (which at the time, he says they were). I mentioned this to him last week in the letter I wrote and he called me yesterday to say that he'd been thinking about it and wanted to talk. I told him it wasn't a good time but we could talk later in the week. 

He has promised to do IC to explore whether he is depressed or has some other personal issues to work through. I have also told him that he needs to work on ways to deal with his anxiety that don't depend so much on what I'm doing or not doing. I'm certainly willing to treat him with respect and avoid doing things that exacerbate his anxiety, but if he feels better just because I'm not talking to him then he's not really working on himself. 



> If he's not willing to work on the relationship through counseling during this period I don't see how it will resolve anything.


I agree. He initially said that we could go back to counseling in the fall. When he says he doesn't know when he'll be ready, I assume he means he doesn't know if he'll be ready before that. He did say in our last counseling session a few weeks ago that he might be ready to come back sooner.



> If he honestly thinks the "issue" was what he perceives as your insecurity about the relationship, won't that still be there when he returns? How is he doing anything productive except reinforcing that he doesn't want you to bother him with your feelings?


I agree, and I don't know that he'll ever be willing to do the things that I would need him to do in order to feel secure again. But, I'm going to try not to get too far ahead of the situation emotionally and just take things one day at a time.


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## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Samantha86 said:


> Initially, he asked for a six week break -- not quite no contact, because we have children together, but no talking about us, seeing other, etc. *except as needed to deal with the kids*. Since then, he has softened up a bit, and we've socialized together a few times and had sex. I sent him a letter asking to clarify our boundaries so that he can have the space he needs and we can leave the door open for reconciliation, and he has responded positively to it. However, he is not ready to work on our relationship yet and doesn't know when he will be.


How is he doing with the children and what is he doing with them? I honestly cannot imagine this.

It's the kind of stuff that generates humongous collateral damage in the minds of youngsters and I believe you both need to re-evaluate priorities.

If it were I, I believe I would tell him “No hugging, no loving and no kissing until you come home and be a father to your children.”


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

They are staying with him half of the time.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> The conflict he is referring to is primarily me being worried about his lack of commitment and reaching out to him for affirmation, and him getting annoyed and/or feeling pressured by my need for reassurance. He claims that we were secure until I started doing this, and that my worry has become a self-fulfilling prophecy.


How does this look from your perspective? What made you believe he wasn't committed to your marriage in the first place?

Is there truth to his belief that your suspicions are what have pushed him away? 

If you've been investigating him behind his back, or he is aware of it, I can see how that can create a LOT of conflict. No one likes to be distrusted for no reason (since you found nothing, he'd feel justified in feeling hounded and distrusted since he wasn't cheating).


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Samantha,

This is definitely a difficult situation, sounds like you are handling it very gracefully. 

Every family is an emotional ecosystem. And it can be very, very helpful to look at it in that manner. 

It sounds like your H is tightly wound, it is easy to get someone like that very anxious. 

So here is my main question: 
1. Does your H feel smothered, because you are asking for more attention than he wants to give?
Or
2. Are you typically framing your requests in a way that is triggering his anxiety?

For example: something happens with one of the kids, it's upsetting but it gets resolved in a positive way.

Do you tell him that night and preface it with: this all turned out fine, but it was kind of a difficult day?

Or

Do you call him at work mid-incident and get him wound up even though there is nothing he can actually do about the situation?

I think he does need help, BUT, he might also need you to be a bit more thoughtful about the timing and delivery of certain conversations. 








Samantha86 said:


> He's made a few references to how me asking for so much reassurance drove a wedge between us, and also how he thinks that I want genuine affection rather than habitual affection or affection on a schedule. It seems to me that he simply wants no pressure to perform in any way other than how he wants to.
> 
> The part about affection was especially difficult for me to hear, because one of the personal breakthroughs that I had made during our stint in MC was to accept that affectionate gestures made on a schedule or because I ask for them _are_ genuine, if they are intended to show love and commitment (which at the time, he says they were). I mentioned this to him last week in the letter I wrote and he called me yesterday to say that he'd been thinking about it and wanted to talk. I told him it wasn't a good time but we could talk later in the week.
> 
> ...


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

norajane said:


> How does this look from your perspective? What made you believe he wasn't committed to your marriage in the first place?
> 
> Is there truth to his belief that your suspicions are what have pushed him away?
> 
> If you've been investigating him behind his back, or he is aware of it, I can see how that can create a LOT of conflict. No one likes to be distrusted for no reason (since you found nothing, he'd feel justified in feeling hounded and distrusted since he wasn't cheating).


Initially, I doubted his commitment because he had withdrawn emotionally and physically and didn't seem too keen on re-building those connections (although it got much better after we started counseling). Then, during an argument early this year, he told me that he didn't know if he still wanted to be married to me. Later, he said that he was just mad when he said that, but he never seemed enthusiastic enough about us to overcome the residual hurt from that statement. There was a lot of push and pull after that and, in his mind, he just got tired of it and needed a break. Although I can't trust that he is being completely honest, it's an explanation that makes sense to me. 

He is now aware that I suspected an affair at one point, but he doesn't know the extent to which I investigated the possibility. We actually had a very candid discussion about this yesterday where he finally acknowledged that it wasn't so crazy for me suspect it, based on what was happening in our relationship.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

MEM11363 said:


> Samantha,
> 
> This is definitely a difficult situation, sounds like you are handling it very gracefully.


Thank you! Grace, love, patience -- those are my operating principles right now. 



> Every family is an emotional ecosystem. And it can be very, very helpful to look at it in that manner.
> 
> It sounds like your H is tightly wound, it is easy to get someone like that very anxious.
> 
> ...


This is brilliant. I've definitely reached out in the moment rather than waiting until the situation stabilized, especially when my feelings were involved. I am definitely trying to be more careful now; I don't want to fall back into old habits.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Samantha86 said:


> I've definitely reached out in the moment rather than waiting until the situation stabilized, especially when my feelings were involved. I am definitely trying to be more careful now; I don't want to fall back into old habits.


Samantha,

Something that may help -- I did this when my kids were young and I was tempted to call my then-husband with EVERY problem (he was a very busy doctor, not very practical... lol)

Write down in a journal the specific incident, and how you resolve it. I used to scribble quickly "Son just knocked daughter's domino house over...grrrrr -- TIME OUT on the stairs for 5 minutes!" PLUS, you can go back over the week and remind your children of their infractions so they aren't repeated ...lol

It's a good way to try to handle or resolve the situation on your own, cool down, work it out. If all else fails, try calling a girlfriend, your mom, a sister first?

I think it will be helpful if he sees you being strong and decisive. I realize your issues have more to do with affection than child discipline, but gotta start somewhere. Practice in one small area and it will spill over into other areas.

I wish you the best...


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

We ended up having a good conversation yesterday because he had to take me somewhere. I understand more how my requests for affection contributed to his anxiety, and why he's reluctant to go down that path again. However, he reaffirmed that he still loves me and that he wants to be affectionate with me and will do so when we're together. He stopped short of saying that he is ready to work on the marriage, but he said that he has hope for us and is ready to take small steps. We are going to have date night tonight. 

Of course, then I went and made a big mistake last night because I was feeling lonely and sentimental. I called him to say thank you for the ride and the conversation, and then I said that I missed him and I wished that instead of us eating dinner alone in our respective houses, that we could find a way to be together. He said, "I don't." I replied, "I understand that you don't want it now, but in a perfect world, it seems like a nice idea." He said, "Well, I didn't know that we were talking about the ideal scenario." (Such a romantic!) We ended the conversation on a positive note, with us both saying that we were looking forward to our plans for tonight. But ugh, I wish I just hadn't picked up the phone.


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## Samantha86 (Apr 8, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Samantha,
> 
> Something that may help -- I did this when my kids were young and I was tempted to call my then-husband with EVERY problem (he was a very busy doctor, not very practical... lol)
> 
> ...


Thanks, happy. I have been making more use of my mom and girlfriends recently. I need to just call one of them when I want to call him instead.


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