# H of OW calls me



## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

ok, not sure how to handle this one..
i learned of my H's EA via a phone call from the OW's husband. 
My husband and I are working hard to keep our marriage. It's certainly not easy.
My question is this:
On occasion, her H still calls me. He says he is just checking to see how I am doing, and if I think they have talked. (all my phone bills, emails, and txt accts are clear..no sign of continuing contact) I reassure him, but it makes me wonder why he is so worried about it? Have they found another means of communication? Should I ask this man to stop calling me?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No! Affairs are very hard to break free from. Most people who 'stop' their affair have several rebound periods. Even something as simple as an email with a joke can start it all up again. 

What has your H done to reassure you? Have you asked him to take a polygraph? Did he write her a no contact letter (for psychological reasons)? Have you checked to see if he has a throwaway phone purchased just for contacting her? Many do.

If you're sure, that's fine. Maybe his wife has had a history of such things.


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## Monday25 (Jan 27, 2010)

i just want to make sure that by keeping in contact with this man, i am not self destructing all the progress my marriage has made. when we talk, it all comes flooding back to me, and i end up with all those feelings of mistrust.

and, yes, i have searched high and low for the "bat phone" and i have accessed all of his passwords without his knowledge and i check everything regularly ... feel like a crazy person sometimes...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I believe in telling a former wayward spouse that they should EXPECT to be checked up on, as they have ruined any trust. Your marriage needs honesty above all else.

IDK. If his calling stirs it up, ask him not to and tell him that the minute you see anything, you'll let him know.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

turnera said:


> I believe in telling a former wayward spouse that they should EXPECT to be checked up on, as they have ruined any trust. Your marriage needs honesty above all else.
> 
> IDK. If his calling stirs it up, ask him not to and tell him that the minute you see anything, you'll let him know.


:iagree:
If he calls let him know that it stirs up old feelings when he does so and to please to only call if he's actually found evidence they are in contact and you would do the same.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:iagree: I agree also. 

It doesn't sound like it's unreasonable contact, and if you and your husband are making good progress and the calls stir up old distrust, I'd say request that he stop calling. I would probably use the WTFS method: 

"When you___
I Think ____
I Feel ____
So...I would ask that ____"

That way the OW's H knows it hasn't been inappropriate or you're mad at him per se...and that you are on his side and will remain diligent. But there's no reason to regress and reopen old wounds that are healing.


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## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

He needs to stop calling you. There is no real reason for him to contact you. If he is choosing to work on his relationship; as you are yours, then he needs to keep that within his relationship and work it out. He needs to learn to trust again etc. just as you do...and speaking to each other is not going to assist in establishing that. He may ultimately cause more problems and doubt where there needs not be any...and or he may look for you to be that support that he needs in hard times and try to get back at his wife for hurting him, by using you etc. 

I just don't see any real benefit in him calling you...it just seems like it could be way more harmful than helpful. Especially if he asking you questions and not providing proof of suspicions.


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