# The Love Dare!



## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm going to start the Love Dare tomorrow! I don't plan to tell Mr. Suaveterre about it, unless he should happen to find out or ask. I want him to be pleasantly surprised.

I was just thinking about the car crash, and its aftermath. Although I'm still really jumpy in cars, one good thing did come out of it: how wonderful it felt to nurture him and love him and shower him in my romantic fluff. I really, really miss having an excuse to cuddle him all evening, and to make him hot cocoa and tuck him in every night.

And I of course have a serious fondness for grand romantic gestures. So, yeah, I'm doing the Love Dare and I'll journal about it here. Anybody else want to join me?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I'm going to start the Love Dare tomorrow! I don't plan to tell Mr. Suaveterre about it, unless he should happen to find out or ask. I want him to be pleasantly surprised.
> 
> I was just thinking about the car crash, and its aftermath. Although I'm still really jumpy in cars, one good thing did come out of it: how wonderful it felt to nurture him and love him and shower him in my romantic fluff. I really, really miss having an excuse to cuddle him all evening, and to make him hot cocoa and tuck him in every night.
> 
> And I of course have a serious fondness for grand romantic gestures. So, yeah, I'm doing the Love Dare and I'll journal about it here. Anybody else want to join me?


*I'd have to say that Mr. S is one lucky cuss!

Looking forward to hearing all about it!*


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I don't know what the love dare is but I hope you have fun with it. Make sure you throw in some kinky sex to spice it up a bit.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

What is it?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

thefam said:


> I don't know what the love dare is but I hope you have fun with it. Make sure you throw in some kinky sex to spice it up a bit.





MrsHolland said:


> What is it?


Watch the movie "Fireproof ". It's a good movie. And I'm a guy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Watch the movie "Fireproof ". It's a good movie. And I'm a guy.


 @farsidejunky


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge for spouses. Every day there's a new challenge- something you have to do for your spouse. Today's challenge shouldn't be very hard. 

"The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."

Cake. I'll write more about it at the end of the day.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Ok just googled it and see it is a religious book so not for me. Have fun with it OP


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> The Love Dare is a 40-day challenge for spouses. Every day there's a new challenge- something you have to do for your spouse. Today's challenge shouldn't be very hard.
> 
> "The first part of this dare is fairly simple. Although love is communicated in a number of ways, our words often reflect the condition of our heart. For the next day, resolve to demonstrate patience and to say nothing negative to your spouse at all. If the temptation arises, choose to not say anything. It's better to hold your tongue than to say something you'll regret."
> 
> Cake. I'll write more about it at the end of the day.


I think it is better to be transparent. Harder at first, but more deepening in the long run.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Amazon link >  The Love Dare  ... 1,945 4.5 star reviews...



> Never leave your partner behind
> 
> With more than 5 million copies in print, in nearly two dozen languages, The Love Dare has become an exciting, enriching journey for couples around the world. It can now become yours.
> 
> ...


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

MrsHolland said:


> Ok just googled it and see it is a religious book so not for me. Have fun with it OP


My husband is a secular humanist and I am a non-practicing Hellenic Pagan, so I'm either ignoring the Christian aspects or transforming them into something more religiously neutral.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> My husband is a *secular humanist* and I am a non-practicing *Hellenic Pagan*, so I'm either ignoring the Christian aspects or transforming them into something more religiously neutral.


In 2015, I visited some retired Army Buddies, down in West Virginia. They talked me into going deer hunting. I love to shoot and at one time was very competitive with rifles. Killing animals has never been my thing. 

The issue for me was.... these guys did not eat what they killed. They did not make their own deer steaks or deer jerky. They did this for the sport. They gave the deer carcasses away. 

But I love these guys and went a-huntin'!

We got up very early....O-Dark-Thirty, ~3:30 am.

We were on point by 4:30 am. 

The other 3 guys got their deer. I did not. They asked why I did not shoot. They poked fun at me, of course.

I told them I didn't see any deer. I can't shoot what I cannot see! Yes, I had my glasses on.

These guys were excellent hunters but they were not philosophers. They could see the deer but they could not see the life-forms behind the deer [in their limited-scopes].

I guess I saw the life forms and missed the deer. My eyes played tricks on me. Our eyes are connected to the brain. The brain is connected to the Universe. Some call this God.

Call it Something. Just do not close your eyes. When you close your eyes, the image remains, then flickers, then vanishes...but not The Source. IT cannot vanish.
.....................................................................................................................................................................................................
Ella...forgive me....you and your hubby see the [presenting] living creatures, but you do not see the life-forms behind them. The forces that bring all life into existence. From carbon chains to....mobile, self-generating, self-aware semi-autonomous creatures attuned to the Universe. This is Creation by a force that hits you in the face every time you step outside your house....your world and your imagination.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> My husband is a secular humanist and I am a non-practicing Hellenic Pagan, so I'm either ignoring the Christian aspects or transforming them into something more religiously neutral.




Ha ha @MrsHolland she shut you down. I can't even imagine what a "non-practicing Hellenic Pagan" look like. Maybe similar to an "inactive earth-focused spiritualist"?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

MrsMarriedDude and I did the Love Dare Several years ago...It's a great thing. 

Good Luck


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Ha ha @MrsHolland she shut you down. I can't even imagine what a "non-practicing Hellenic Pagan" look like. Maybe similar to an "inactive earth-focused spiritualist"?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Basically, yes. I believe in the gods, but don't devote as much time as I used to to worship them. It would be good for me to get back into spiritual habits again, but lately I have a hard enough time remembering to eat regularly, let alone set up an altar, light candles, burn incense, etc.

Besides, unlike the Judeo-Christian God, the Greek gods don't necessarily want to smite you if you fail to worship them with due reverence. They have their own lives and their own dramas, and unless I petition them for something, they probably don't notice me very much.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day one: Complete! I didn't criticize him, which was fairly simple. I mean, today I did have to wake up at 6 in the morning after about three hours of sleep, and was therefore constantly complaining of being exhausted, but that doesn't count as it wasn't a direct criticism of _him_, right? 

...right?

Have I failed already?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Much like that "And" game you mentioned in another thread, this Dare thing sounds suspiciously like something _else_ my husband and I would also blow our brains out first before doing. :laugh::grin2:


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Day one: Complete! I didn't criticize him, which was fairly simple. I mean, today I did have to wake up at 6 in the morning after about three hours of sleep, and was therefore constantly complaining of being exhausted, but that doesn't count as it wasn't a direct criticism of _him_, right?
> 
> ...right?
> 
> Have I failed already?


I hope being kind to him does not preclude being _honest_ with him, Ella.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> I hope being kind to him does not preclude being _honest_ with him, Ella.


Oh no, never that at all. Later in the Dare I am tasked with pouring out my soul to him and being utterly transparent, but the first days of the Dare involve learning to hold my tongue.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day Two: In addition to saying nothing negative about your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

I've got a LOT to do today, namely homework and studying for final exams, and getting ready for the holidays, but I'm sure I can find time to do his laundry or clean the living room or surprise him with hot cocoa. The possibilities are endless!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day 2: DONE!! I made him hot cocoa while he worked on his programming. I feel so lucky to be married to a bona fide genius, and I told him so. Today's Dare seemed much too easy so I'm also going to do his laundry today at some point. Maybe make him a card too if I have time.

-le sigh- Doing romantic things for my husband makes me feel alive <3


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day three: Along with refraining from negative comments, buy your spouse something that says, "I was thinking of you today."

I admit I planned this one in advance. I cannot drive and am in the house alone most days, so unless I wanted to take a cab to the florist's or the chocolate shop, I would have to plan ahead. I ordered some of his favorite chocolate on Amazon, and it should arrive today. When it does I'll go out to the mailbox and get it and surprise him with it. I hope he likes it. He can be so finicky when it comes to gifts. Maybe while I have the time, I SHOULD take a cab to the florist's and buy him a rose to go with it, maybe tie the rose to the chocolate...

Today is a bad pain day, but not as bad as yesterday and I think I can just about manage to go out if I can get my homework done quickly enough.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day 4- "Call your spouse sometime during the day. Have no agenda other than to ask them how they're doing and if there's anything you can do for them." Done.

I laughed when I read it because I'd literally texted my husband for just that reason- minutes BEFORE I sat down to read what today's dare was!! I mean, technically I texted him, not called him, but I'd say it counts.

How could this become a more normal, routine, and genuinely helpful part of your lifestyle, the book asks me. It'd be helpful if I could know him well enough to meet his needs before he asked. My husband's brain seems to me to be a whole lot like his best talent of programming- logical and fairly straightforward. Still, I'd give anything to have magic mind-reading powers- to know if there's anything else he's thinking, to respond to those thoughts that he may or may not have ever told me about, to see his face light up with an expression of, "how the devil did she know??"

I wish he had such powers as well. I wish I didn't have to tell him my inner thoughts. I wish he knew. I wish he'd surprise me. But it doesn't work that way. So I have to ask. And I have to learn to accept that I have to ask.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

"Day 5- Ask your spouse to tell you three things that cause him or her to be uncomfortable or irritated with you. You must do so without attacking them or justifying your behavior."

Okay. When he gets home I'll do just that. I often make him some tea when he gets home, so he can relax, especially if I want to talk to him about "us". Should I do that now or would the gesture be seen as "buttering him up?"


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Watch the movie "Fireproof ". It's a good movie. And I'm a guy.


Yeah, it was a great movie. There is another great take away from the movie besides the love dare. Watch it and find out what is it.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Day 5, continued. I asked him. He was only able to think of 2 bad habits that I have and as soon as he said them I was genuinely embarrassed because I had promised to work on these annoyances before and apparently the habit came creeping back. Embarrassing.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> Yeah, it was a great movie. There is another great take away from the movie besides the love dare. Watch it and find out what is it.




That a hospital bed cost $24,000?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> That a hospital bed cost $24,000?


I was going for something other than that


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I was going for something other than that




Well it was a 90 minute movie. Do you have something to clarify?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

_Day 6- Choose today to react to tough circumstances in your marriage in loving ways instead of with irritation. Begin by making a list of areas where you need to add margin to your schedule. Then list any wrong motivations that you need to release from your life._


1.) I need to be more committed to taking my meds every day. I often forget which leaves me feeling physically and mentally miserable, and therefore more vulnerable. On days when I'm REALLY badly off, it doesn't matter how much nurturing someone pours into me; I will be inconsolable. That's really bad for me and even worse for anyone who takes it upon themselves to be near me.
2.) I need to get more sleep at night so I have more energy during the day. Maybe a more consistent bedtime routine would help. I could box up all my feelings until morning, instead of sitting awake ruminating until 4 A.M. and then awaking at 8.
3.) I need to set aside time before my husband comes home to mentally rest- not sleep, but give myself an 
_emotional_ and _psychological_ break, so he comes home and finds me whimpering in a corner less often.

As to wrong motivations... my motivation for most everything is fear... fear of hurting my husband, fear that he'll leave me, fear that he won't be able to meet my needs, fear that he won't be able to "fix me"- fear, basically, that I'll be forced to attempt to fix myself. I genuinely believe this to be my definition of hell, for my own efforts have always meant nothing to me. The only thing that has ever rally mattered to me, as far as my psychological well-being goes, is whether I am "good enough" to convince others to want to care for me. Without that, I might as well not exist.

That's a poor motivation on which to chart one's life if I've ever heard of it.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TODAY’S DARE – DAY 7

_For today’s dare, get two sheets of paper. On the first one, spend a few minutes writing out positive things about your spouse. Then do the same with negative things on the second sheet. Place both sheets in a secret place for another day. There is a different purpose and plan for each. At some point during the remainder of the day, pick a positive attribute from the first list and thank your spouse for having this characteristic._

Okay, done. I got out my diary and my best feather pen with the ribbons and faux pink roses attached to it and wrote two lists.

For the positives, I wrote:

His actions show devotion
He always buys me treats when we go out shopping
He is never, ever cruel of manipulative
He has very gentle and loving eyes that smile at me
He looks after me when I’m ill
He genuinely adores me- his eyes and actions show it.
He truly embraces my childish side
He is willing to listen to me and try to understand me (Like in our And game)
He is very capable around the house and at work
I feel like I can trust him with any secret
He has never judged me
He tells me (when I ask) that I’m beautiful
He is very mature and responsible
He is the rational foil to my worry and depression

And for the negatives, I wrote:

I have to ask or fish for compliments
I usually have to say I love you first
I have to plan out the grand romantic gestures
He can’t or won’t verbally comfort me


_Which list was easier to make? _

The ideas came to me with the same ease, but emotionally it was just slightly wrenching to remind myself why I often fear he does not love me or that we are ill-matched.

_What did this reveal about your thoughts? _

That in most areas, he is a good husband and a good man, but that somehow, for years, my "Verbal Affirmation" love-o-meter has been running on empty and no matter how many times I try to explain it, he just doesn't have it in him. I'm sad and I'm afraid. If I never get this need met, will I be miserable all my life? 

I hate to even go there, but would it be better to walk away and search out someone who is more verbose? If I were to leave him and try to start afresh, such a person would be rare as a unicorn, no doubt, for probably men who are masters of florid prose are terribly bad at other things, like managing a household or not being alcoholics. 

Still, if he never says, "I love you" first, does he really love me at all, or is he just saying it to placate me?

_What attribute did you thank your spouse for having?_

I thanked him for his steadfastness, and the way his eyes light up when he sees me. I know one can't exactly control when their eyes light up, but where his mouth stonily refuses to love me, at least his eyes do.

I told him I loved him, and that he was a good husband. He told me that he loved me too, and I was a good wife.

I did not say "perfect". Nor did he. C'est la vie- c'est la vie douloureuse.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

...


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

@Hope Shimmers, I admire your strength and tenacity in your marriage. It's a level of strength I genuinely cannot even picture, let alone aspire to. However it takes all kinds to make a world, and we are not the same. Anxiety disorders (among other things) can seriously alter one's outlook on life and damage one's ability to cope with it. I've been in therapy since I was about 11 and have been on psychoactive drugs of some fashion since about then as well. I have been passed through the hands of many people who have worked tirelessly along with me to get me to the level of functioning I'm at now. You should have seen me 10 years ago...

Since you asked what had me whimpering in a corner the last time Mr. S. found me that way, I had been having mind movies of my post-op rehab on and off all day and I couldn't take it anymore.

Though I've got to say, my husband's reaction to my "moments" is certainly far more tempered than other people's. Relatively speaking, I am very lucky to have found a tolerant man. He's not 100% perfect, it's true. But he's 87% perfect, which is statistically quite stellar. Perspective is everything, and it's drawn me back out of my disenchantment.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> @Hope Shimmers, I admire your strength and tenacity in your marriage. It's a level of strength I genuinely cannot even picture, let alone aspire to. However it takes all kinds to make a world, and we are not the same. Anxiety disorders (among other things) can seriously alter one's outlook on life and damage one's ability to cope with it. I find your suggestion to "just suck it up already" to be a little harsh. I've been in therapy since I was about 11 and have been on psychoactive drugs of some fashion since about then as well. I have been passed through the hands of many people who have worked tirelessly along with me to get me to the level of functioning I'm at now. You should have seen me 10 years ago...


I am divorced. But thanks.

I know quite a bit about anxiety disorders and panic attacks from both a personal level and professional level (the latter as I am a physician).


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Also, as to independence, I just bought an electric scrub brush on Amazon. Supposedly, it does all the scrubbing for you by spinning the brush head around in circles, much like an electric toothbrush. It would be so wonderful if I could actually clean the entire bathroom on my own, without killing my arms. My husband usually finishes the job for me because I lack the physical strength to really scrub off limescale and things. How surprised and pleased with me he'd be if I could handle it on my own!!

It's not an enormous step or anything, but it's something. I hope that scrubber works as advertised...


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TODAY’S DARE – DAY 8

_Determine to become your spouse’s biggest fan and to reject any thoughts of jealousy. To help you set your heart on your spouse and focus on their achievements, take yesterday’s list of negative attributes and discreetly burn it. Then share with your spouse how glad you are about a success he or she recently enjoyed.

How hard was it to destroy the list?_

Not very, although I don’t think I was of the right mindset to do so. If you’ve read my other post in CWI, you’ll know that today my husband has had a terrible, terrible day. I tried to read over the list and call back the fear and sorrow I felt just last night, but I couldn’t quite do it. I tried to force myself to understand that in destroying the list, I was destroying my sorrow over my own unfulfillment. I said a quick prayer to Hestia- coincidentally the goddess of both marital homes and hearthfires- that I would have the courage and kindness needed to lay those sorrows permanently to rest, and burned the list. There’s something very comforting about fire when it’s symbolically destroying your self-pity.

_What are some positive experiences that you can celebrate in the life of your mate? _

I don’t know. He hasn’t gotten a raise since last year, and he wasn’t awarded anything prestigious at the Christmas party yesterday (as some were), and he’s had an absolutely wretched day today. I don’t feel that celebrating anything with him would be appropriate. I don’t doubt trying to congratulate him on anything would be like pouring lemon juice on a cut. Would it not be better instead to commiserate with him and comfort him?

_How can you encourage them toward future successes?_

Again, I don’t know. I have in the past suggested that he go and ask for a raise or a promotion, but he’s told me that for various reasons- like the way that payments are entirely automated, the fact that employees typically get raises at the same time each year- he cannot simply go in and ask for a raise. I do encourage him towards success in his programming hobby-turned-side-job. I watch him work sometimes, and I always tell him how proud I am to be married to a genius and a programming god.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

TODAY’S DARE – DAY 9

_Think of a specific way you’d like to greet your spouse today. Do it with a smile and with enthusiasm. Then determine to change your greeting to reflect your love for them._

I'm glad I got this Dare on a Sunday. Every Sunday, my darling goes over to my parents' house to call his parents long-distance. I was asleep when he left, but when I woke, I found a little black sleeveless club dress and fishnet stockings- for I know he loves fishnet stockings- and threw them into the bathroom. I raced into the shower, washed and deep-conditioned my hair, and cleaned up with my best scented body wash.

_When and where did you choose to do your special greeting? How will you change your greeting from this point on?_

When I got out of the shower, I could hear him in the house, so I locked the door so as not to ruin the surprise, brushed my teeth, and slipped into my seductive clothing. I came out, intending to race over to him, throw my arms around him, and give him the passionate lip-locking of the decade!! 

It didn't quite pan out, for when I got out, he was eating, and had his mouth full, and I don't think he wanted me to plant one on him like that while he was eating because his kisses were a rapid succession of closed-mouthed pecks. I said to him, "Darling Love, I'm so happy you're home!!" He looked at me and said, "Why are you all dressed up? Do you want to go out somewhere?" To which I replied, "We can go out somewhere if you want, but I just wanted to dress up nicely for you, since I know you love stockings." He grinned and kissed me more.

I suppose I could really stand to appear in front of him every day, dressed and freshened up and properly presentable for him. Marriage has- needlessly- made me complacent in that regard.

I'm going to make it a personal resolution to dress up in nice clothing when my darling comes home every day for the next week.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I forgot day 10!! :frown2:

I've just had so much going on lately. Studying for tests, Christmas shopping, planning a massive date... The rose petals I ordered turned out to be the wrong color, and Amazon has botched the delivery of the cleaning supplies I'll need to get the house spotless on Friday. I have to get up early, go to class and study tomorrow, then go Christmas shopping- I haven't kept very good track of my allowance lately because I don't seem to have the money for all of Mr. Suaveterre's presents-, then study some more and take another Final in the evening.

I feel overwhelmed, like I can't possibly get everything done on time. Let alone plan ANOTHER grand romantic gesture today/tomorrow. I suppose I'll resume the love dare, day 10, tomorrow. I don't even know what I'd do for day 10's "out of the ordinary" gesture. It can't be a card because the printer's broken... I feel so pressed for time. :crying:


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

_Do something out of the ordinary today for your spouse – something that proves (to you and to them) that your love is based on your choice and nothing else. Wash her car. Clean the kitchen. Buy his favorite dessert. Fold the laundry. Demonstrate love to them for the sheer joy of being their partner in marriage._

I finally did it, lads and lasses. I folded his laundry. That was what I did. Hardly the grand romantic gesture this day's Love Dare would seem to call for, but in between planning out our date and studying for and taking finals, this was what I could manage. I still have so much to do. I'll be able to rest Thursday night, an then Friday I've got to to deep-clean the entire apartment. Saturday I'll get up at the crack of dawn to have the beds made, the champagne out, breakfasts and lunches made, the hearth roaring, the living room picnic blanket set up, candles lit, and rose petals scattered.

_Has your love in the past been based on your spouse’s attributes and behavior, or on your commitment? _

Both I'd say. I would either poke love's flames by my own initiative, he would reciprocate, and the ball would start rolling from there, or I'd simply ask for him to do something, and then _I'd_ be the one to reciprocate. I'd say 70% the former and 30% the latter? I suppose that needs to change, but I've been lucky to have a man who actually cares.

_How can you continue to show love when it’s not returned in a way you hoped for?_

Isn't that ever the question?

I got a bit of bad news today- that my husband WON'T buy me the engagement ring I desire. I've wanted a real engagement ring pretty much ever since we got married, and I found out I'm not getting it for Christmas. When I asked, he said, "Maybe for Valentine's Day."

So how DOES one keep on loving through disappointment and disenchantment? Is the proper answer, "Keep hoping against hope that you'll have your desires someday"? Because that's how I've gotten through the rough patches and kept my romanticism intact. The rare times I've simply been unable to hope any more, I'll take a few days to mourn and drown in self-pity, but then I'll dust myself off and try to look on the bright side. There are many things my husband DOES do for me, ring notwithstanding.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Finals week can definitely feel overwhelming. How are the tests going, in your opinion?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Finals week can definitely feel overwhelming. How are the tests going, in your opinion?


Thank you for asking. I've taken 3 of four tests, two of which were online, and one was a speech. The speech garnered me a 95. I made a 92 on one of the online exams and an 80 on the other. The final exam is tomorrow, and it will be the hardest one. I can't use my notes, and have therefore been up all night trying to memorize them. All while planning a date with more intricate details than my own wedding day.

I haven't gotten to day 11 of the Love Dare... again.

And I admit I'm still quite disappointed over the ring. I said I wanted an engagement ring for my birthday in May, then asked again for our anniversary in September... and asked again for Christmas.

Maybe Valentine's day.

Maybe? Please?:|


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> Thank you for asking. I've taken 3 of four tests, two of which were online, and one was a speech. The speech garnered me a 95. I made a 92 on one of the online exams and an 80 on the other. The final exam is tomorrow, and it will be the hardest one. I can't use my notes, and have therefore been up all night trying to memorize them. All while planning a date with more intricate details than my own wedding day.
> 
> I haven't gotten to day 11 of the Love Dare... again.
> 
> ...


Do you know why he is putting it off?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Do you know why he is putting it off?


I have no idea. My best guess is that I only bring it up before a major event, and he's forgotten, so he hasn't saved up.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> I have no idea. My best guess is that I only bring it up before a major event, and he's forgotten, so he hasn't saved up.


That is pretty reasonable, don't you think?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> That is pretty reasonable, don't you think?


It's certainly understandable. It's also disappointing. I actually asked him today- gently and with what I hope was a submissive smile on my face- why he didn't consider to give me a ring for Christmas when I'd been asking for months. He held me and grinned like he does (melt! I just cannot be upset when he looks at me like that!) and said, "Because I've considered to give you a ring for Valentine's Day." 

I said, "You know I'll hold you to that, yes?"

He said he knew, and I kissed him and bid him goodbye, and to have a good day at work, and I'd see him soon, and I'd miss him so, and a hundred kisses, etc.

Today, I have my last final to take, and so much cleaning to do in preparation for our date Saturday.

I've got to wash the bedclothes, do laundry, clean the bathroom, vacuum, and clean the kitchen.

Then on Friday night I've got to make the picnic sandwiches, prepare all the rose petals and candles, and write his card... somehow... sans printer.

Here's hoping it all goes off without a hitch! Wish me all the luck; I will need it!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EllaSuaveterre said:


> It's certainly understandable. It's also disappointing. I actually asked him today- gently and with what I hope was a submissive smile on my face- why he didn't consider to give me a ring for Christmas when I'd been asking for months. He held me and grinned like he does (melt! I just cannot be upset when he looks at me like that!) and said, "Because I've considered to give you a ring for Valentine's Day."
> 
> I said, "You know I'll hold you to that, yes?"
> 
> ...


Ella, a gift has to be given freely to be a gift, right?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

jld said:


> Ella, a gift has to be given freely to be a gift, right?



And so it is. He always has the right to refuse me; if he really didn't want to, he might have answered, "Oh? Well, maybe. How about for our next anniversary?" and changed the subject. I am well-versed in whether he really minds my asking. 

That said, I've almost invariably had to ask directly for things I want during the course of our relationship. He's simply not the sort to take initiative like that for some reason. If I ask for something, he'll provide it thoroughly and happily, and utterly without complaint. But I have to actually ask. The year he surprised me with the pink bed- the nicest gift I've ever received to date- I had asked for it about three dozen times over the course of the Autumn of 2013. That Christmas, he made me think I wasn't getting it, and lo and behold it had been in my parents' garage for a month!


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

_What need does your spouse have that you could meet today?
Can you run an errand? 
Give a back rub or foot massage? 
Is there housework you could help with? _

I feel like I was given this Dare on the wrong day. Today I'm to clean the entire house spotless in preparation for our date, and decorate the house with roses and candles to make everything feel cosy and romantic. That would have been this dare in spades. But I got it yesterday. Yesterday was my last final, and worse, I woke up after only 30 minutes of sleep the night before feeling a cold coming on. The printer's broken, but there are functioning two-sided printers in the Library, so in order to complete the dare I opted to be a few minutes late for my final in order to design a card for Mr. Suaveterre at home in Photoshop and then race to the library and print it out.

This did not go as planned as the printers are in black-and-white only, and in my haste, I did not notice I had mis-aligned some element in PS that meant the inside of the card would print out upside-down. Discouraged and headachy, I went to take my final. On a good note, though, I passed it with flying colors.

So I got home and immediately took to bed. I missed Mr. Suaveterre's coming home, and so did not dress up for him as I had earlier promised myself I would do. He couldn't rouse me, but when he tried I groggily told him I was ill and asked him if he could bring me some tea and herbs, which he did. Drinking them, I told him I'd failed the Love Dare again because I couldn't find anything I could do that he needed or that said, "I cherish you." He said he actually had something!

_Choose a gesture that says, “I cherish you” and do it with a smile.
What did you choose to show that you cherish your mate? _

He wanted me to wrap the present he was bringing in for his work's Secret Santa tomorrow. I said I could definitely do that. I've never wrapped a present with such care. 

_What did you learn from this experience?_
That while cards are romantic, and having to ASK what your mate wants you do do for them rather than surprise them isn't, when in doubt, go for the latter.

So Mr. Suaveterre saved the day today, again. Having awoken a couple hours ago to put the dishes in the dishwasher, clean the sink, and get started on the laundry, I think I will again retire to bed, at least until sunrise when I have to finish my work. More on the preparations in my "Date Day" post.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

_DAY 12: Demonstrate love by willingly choosing to give in to an area of disagreement between you and your spouse. Tell them you are putting their preference first._

Today the vacuum broke, and that along with being struck with sudden ill health has demolished my plans for the date day on Saturday. My husband and I both tried to take it apart and fix it, but neither of us really know what to do for it. I wanted to chuck the vacuum out and buy a new one, because what else is one supposed to do with something one cannot fix? But he wants to continue to use the now-defunct vacuum because "it still sucks" (yes, I noticed...) even though the brush bar won't spin. He wanted to save money and not buy a vacuum at all until next year.

Well, fine. He wins by default because of this dare. I told him I agreed with him and he can keep the broken vacuum.

I cannot actually use a broken vacuum unless I get down on my hands and knees and use the hose. So I guess that's what I'll do next time anything needs vacuuming.

I remember a time when grand romantic gestures didn't NEED to be planned; they just fell into my lap. I also remember a time when I considered being made to get out of bed whilst ill for any reason- other than to powder my nose or see the doctor- to be tantamount to abuse. If someone had told me five years ago that I'd actually clean things of my own volition whilst nursing a cold, I'd have asked them to get their head examined.

Where have those days gone?

Sigh.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

I'm finally recovered from my cold enough to continue the Love Dare. tomorrow. Day 13 was it?


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

Please excuse me in advance, as this is going to be a bit vent-y and off-topic I think I'm going to be on Hiatus from The Love Dare for a few days. I've recovered from my illness but Mr. Suaveterre has fallen under now. Which means we'll probably have to cancel our rescheduled date. Again. I take a certain delight in looking after my husband when he's ill, but I'd rather be attacked by angry badgers than have to deal with this right now. Of course, I have no choice. .

We've also been dealing with either some kind of household insect infestation or some form of strange allergy on my part. I've turned the apartment upside down looking for any form of living creature that might be attacking me but I have found none. My mother says it's probably related to my weak immune system.

To compound my misery, this is a difficult month for us financially. Mr. Suaveterre is worried but how well we'll be able to pay our next car insurance payment. Additionally, or vacuum broke and we can't currently afford to replace it. 

Add all of these things together and mix in a few personal problems with my social circle, and what you get is an Ella who is too overwhelmed to get up in the morning. 

For now, astonishingly, our marriage is actually fine, but all these other little miscellaneous annoyances have added up and they feel truly unbearable right now. I hate that the life we've built together is, at least in regards to the last couple of weeks, constantly developing tiny tears in its seams. So many miniscule little things have gone wrong and I just want to cry. I don't think I can focus on The Love Dare right now. I'll be amazed if I can manage the discipline and internal calm required just to look after my husband this coming week. 

Why does absolutely everything that ever happens to me have to feel like an unbearable tragedy even when it's objectively not? I hate being so miserable all the time.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

....


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