# Gaslighting: the movie



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

So, many of us are familiar with the term and ummm, experiential applied techniques and effects of gaslighting, but how many of us have seen the movie?

I think I am ready to see it and am going to order the DVD. Anyone care to join me in a movie discussion in a few weeks' time?

I need to see this to watch from a third point of view, in order to better understand the perspective from the perpetrator and from the naive and innocent victim. 

I don't have any inkling of the ending, whether it's good or bad. All I know is that I feel stable enough in my sanity to watch it. 

Just state your interest.
Movies can be bought used, cheaply, from various on-line vendors, or it's possible that your library might have a copy.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Get the 1940's version with Angela Lansbury-it is an excellent movie!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Thanks F-102. Are the versions very different? I watched the 1944 version. I really liked the part where she decided to go to the party. Then I also liked the part where she felt sane by having someone else hear what she was hearing. I found myself thinking that she could have been more friendly to the woman on the train, from the get-go, she could have just laughed off losing stuff, like, oh, sorry, guess I'm just trying to get your attention, hid that picture/watch/brooch on purpose. And the letter, it was her letter, inherited from her aunt, he had no right to lock it away from her, she was completely justified in taking it out. 

I think you are right, though, Angela Lansbury will be much better in the part. I'll give it a go.

It was kind of creepy to be watching the movie. As you might remember, my husband told me privately I was crazy but when I tried to seek treatment on my own (counseling at my frustration with his behavior and the relationship...) he said there was nothing wrong with me...then when one hospital was trying to assess my symptoms, he talked to the nurse and doctor and told them I was fine, just made mountains out of molehills...he let me go to a hospital with a view towards psychiatric commitment and was non-supportive...after only taking me to a regular hospital under duress and then sitting there telling the doctor I just over-reacted to things and it was not so bad as I made it out to be (I had sucking noises in my throat and had needed inhaled steroids...was down to 95 pounds, shivered, could not eat, woke up in cold sweats, had tachycardia and blueing of hands and feet...short-term memory loss, etc.) It was very crazy-making. In the end he deployed and I uncovered all the proof of his deception and gaslighting. I still can't figure out why he did it except maybe a control issue or money or revenge on another woman. What's chilling is that he would swerve the car...he went hiking on some ledges and told me about it, then suggested later I go with him. Ummmm, no. And when it gets to the point where you can't ride in a car or go hiking with your spouse, it's really time to leave and batten down the hatches. I'm doing fine since being on my own. But I still feel sick when I think about the delusional haze I was living in. Once someone called on the phone and tried to verify my identity and my husband was in bed next to me. She said she had some very important information for me. My husband was very insistent that I hang up the phone, hissing at me and grabbing for the phone. I really wonder who it was and what they wanted to say to me, and why they never tried again. I think it was someone he knew and he probably threatened her to not approach me. Later when we saw his former woman friend in the grocery store, she seemed frightened of him and hid behind the people she was with. Once I turned around in the gym and she was staring at me, not saying anything. Like she wanted to speak, but couldn't. I finally got up the nerve to contact her myself and she said she didn't want to talk about it but advised me to get a feminist therapist. Luckily enough, I did. But honestly, there are men out there who actually do this kind of gaslighting not for jewels, but just for SPORT. So, so, sick.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

There's the 1944 version with Charles Boyer, Ingrid Bergman, and the very young Angela Lansbury. It plays on TCM on February 4th, 2:15 pm eastern US time. Set your dvr!

TCM.com will send you an email reminder.

In addition to the obvious personal interest we may have, the movie and plot are excellent. It rivals Hitch****.

The other version is 1940. I have not seen that one.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

That's the one I watched.
I didn't recognize Angela :-o
I also forgot to mention the way Paula was manipulated into moving back to the house...when her husband says what his dream of, of where he wants to move. She doesn't really want to go and of course shouldn't, but agrees, primarily because it IS a sacrifice on her part, something horrible and self-damaging on her part, that she agrees to, because she's in love (and of course, one must be selfless when it comes to your partner's dreams, if you have the key to the house, so to speak...) I think that was the key to the entire psychological deception and maneuvering...gettting her to take the first step against herself. After that everything is more or less easy, because that was one decision she shouldn't have made, and it definitely undermined her confidence in taking care of herself.

I'd love to do a remake where you have inner dialog...
Of course, there is the scene in the attic where she asks whether what she's holding is a .... 

I can't believe he kept trying to appeal to her til even when he was quite obviously busted....oh wait. I can.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LOL.
So Tuesday I returned the movie.
Yesterday (Wednesday) I get back home and I hear noises above my apartment. There's only the attic up there. At first it crossed my mind an intruder, but then it was way too much noise. Much bigger than rat or raccoon. So I just go to the laundry room and call up, Hello? It's my landlord. His truck hadn't been parked where I'd notice it. 
Still, so funny. It made me feel good #1 to know I heard noises and not imagining it #2 I am okay with opening door and challenging to see who is up there (now way for quick egress if someone is up there, but I can close and lock door quickly and egress...) It did cross my mind someone is homeless and living in attic. In which case is understandable. People do things like that, my building's had a few tenants before who would know the layout of the building and how to access the attic. I lock that door at night, didn't use to but since my husband left it makes sense, just in case he schiztes out more than he did already.


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## LimboGirl (Oct 28, 2011)

Sounds like fun. I'm going to watch it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> LOL.
> So Tuesday I returned the movie.
> Yesterday (Wednesday) I get back home and I hear noises above my apartment. There's only the attic up there.


Did the lights dim?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's kind of creepy, but uplifting in a strange way.
I do think that my landlord being in the attic sort of really made my day, coming as it did just after I watched the movie. :-o
Then my stbxh called and when he couldn't play his mind games on me, told me I needed pscyh care. I was able to say, wow, whenever someone offered me psych care and talked to you about it, you told them that I was fine, really, just overblowing a physical illness...then when you were deployed, I did go to see a pscyh, literally went running to one for help, and was given treatment and discharged (I didn't add, after I realized that I was in an abusive relationship...)

LOL. Why would he want to stay married to me if I was a psych case? And then why would he always be the one to bring up divorce. He was the one who cheated and lied, and then admitted to cheating and lying, and then raped me and took pictures of me from Skype after I made him promise not to, and then didn't delete photos from me from his computer like I asked him to...but he acts like the divorce is all my idea, and I somehow did not understand or remember what he was saying when he stood in my kitchen and the words came out of his mouth. He also tried to get me to believe that him telling me he molested his sister was the same as him telling me to go back to my brother (who raped me, and whom I haven't had any contact with for over 15 years). 

It's kind of ridiculous how his logic sounds, once I realized what he is trying to do. It's transparent how he's desperately clinging to old tactics of trying to make me think I'm nuts and should turn to him for support...and sanity!

All I could think of when I hung up the phone, was, wow, you cannot have a conversation with this person, thank God I already filed for divorce. I don't get how when someone rapes you and molests you and keeps lurid photos of you they took without your consent (against your express consent!) while pretending to have married intimate cybersex when they were deployed while faking going to therapy, wants you to file a tax return with them. Like I would trust him to give me 1/2. Then he wanted to know what happens next with the divorce. How should I know? I went to the court and filed. I get some kind of letter in the mail and it will tell me what to do next. It's like he wants me to help him with the divorce. Maybe to make it look like it's some kind of cooperative effort, rather than me getting sick of being threatened with divorce. I don't think he really understands how destabilizing the word divorce is. Oh wait, I think he does. And he still uses it. Which is abusive. So I guess it makes sense to get a divorce...because he said he wants one, I do want one. Even though it was not my choice to get a divorce. But given that he uses it as a threat, he's not the kind of person I should be married to. How twisted is that? Also, because I was willing to have sex with him in spite of him lying to me about his ex, on account of being told that withholding sex is abusive, he was able to continue to abuse me. 

Thank God my state has no fault divorce. I wouldn't even think about checking the rape/non-consent/abuse 'other' box instead of 'irreconcilable differences'. 

If he wants to fight it, all I have to do is to get my therapy and inpatient records and statements from employers, school, landlord, police records, and other records, including letters he wrote to me referencing his ex-girlfriend and his relationship with her. If he is found guilty of rape and other nonconsenting acts (groping while I was sleeping, 5 minutes after I declined invite of sex because I was exhausted), taking and keeping photos of me after agreeing not to and saying he would get rid of what he'd taken...then he could lose all of his benefits, his house, his commercial drivers license (hazmat transportation) and his company could not employ him any more. 

My guess is that he'll steer clear. 
I had a social worker for an entire year and she was able to observe some of his behavior while he was home on leave. Also I have co-workers and friends and my kids who are able to vouch for me.

My records all say domestic abuse. I hardly think another psych exam would turn up anything other than anxiety because of his continued harassment with swerving cars, threatening suicide, telling me I'm nuts, getting mad when I asked him about scratches on his back...threatening divorce. I think it's normal to be anxious when someone does that to you. After cheating on you and then pretending to have gone to therapy and then wanting to go to work all the time on weekends and nights... 

Good grief! Gaslighting indeed.


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