# Don't Listen to What They Say, Watch What They Do



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Another article today folks. This is especially for those guys that listen closely to their wives and try to follow her every directive - to make her "happy", of course

Dr. Helen: "As OK Cupid has demonstrated, women rate 80 percent of men below average."


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Wonderful ... All my training as a southern gentleman is useless. 

Women - you are all insane


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

lostinspaces said:


> Wonderful ... All my training as a southern gentleman is useless.
> 
> Women - you are all insane


Stay out of the triangle.

Understand the game.

Be a man.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Wonderful ... All my training as a southern gentleman is useless.
> 
> Women - you are all insane


*In my sweetest southern accent*

Bless your heart.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Hey now. Don't you say that to me. As a southerner I know EXACTLY what that means.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Hey now. Don't you say that to me. As a southerner I know EXACTLY what that means.


That phrase has several meanings, based on the situation.

Clearly, you have correctly comprehended the intended delivery, in this particular situation.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Two plausible explanations:

Women are bad at math. It's not a stereotype.

Women have absurdly irrational expectations IN ORDER to be negative, defeatist, miserable and vain.


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

Hey Conrad,
I stepped back into the triangle yesterday. I got into it with stbxw and ended up telling her that she is a quitter and a runner. I also said that I knew she was with om (unfortunately that was out of anger as I haven't been able to confirm it.) The thing that sucks is we have been getting along better even though I don't believe she ever has intentions of us getting back together. 

Now I don't think she will ever talk to me again and that's fine in regards to our marriage, but I want to get along with her as it has helped me to be able to spend more time with my girls and it is much easier for them if we can get along.

I blew it. What is the best thing to do now? My first instinct is to at least go a week before even talking to her and letting her cool off.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

jdlash said:


> Hey Conrad,
> I stepped back into the triangle yesterday. I got into it with stbxw and ended up telling her that she is a quitter and a runner. I also said that I knew she was with om (unfortunately that was out of anger as I haven't been able to confirm it.) The thing that sucks is we have been getting along better even though I don't believe she ever has intentions of us getting back together.
> 
> Now I don't think she will ever talk to me again and that's fine in regards to our marriage, but I want to get along with her as it has helped me to be able to spend more time with my girls and it is much easier for them if we can get along.
> ...


Going silent would absolutely be best.

Yet, a short apology would also be in order. I would do it next time you see her. Just look at her and say you were out of line last time we spoke and it won't happen again.

Do not elaborate.

Then, stay quiet. Let it sink in.

If she tries to firebomb you with hate, leave the room.

Last but not least, forgive yourself. You know you're much much better than 6 months ago.

Just imagine 6 months from now on the same trajectory.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Ok. Let me chat it up a bit about this. 

I've been having issues. I've gotten MUCH stronger thanks to Conrad and Upnover and others. I'm a slow learner, especially when hurt. 

The watch what they do and don't listen. 

Since the last few weeks, my stbxw has (up until last time I brought it up, she's made sure not to do it now it seems) she has put her hand on my chest, straightened my hair or shirt, put her hand on my side as she looked me in the eyes and said "Ok, I love you and I'll see you tonight"

Whenever "us" gets brought up she's back to "no I don't want to work on it. I don't want you" and then 99% of the time folowed up by "not right now"

Ultimately I'd like to salvage my marriage, but I'm prepared to move on. Up and others say she's feeding me b/s. 

The other day she talked like the Divorce was "up in the air" the last we spoke she said "No I don't want to work on us" then I told her "Well get me the papers asap so I can read n sign them" Then in a text she tells me "Well it was up in the air for me but then you told me to get you the papers..." Then proceeded to tell me she wants to build a better life etc etc. 

I know. Listening to her is stupid. I can't believe anything she says because it's contradicting and probably confirming she still doesn't know what she wants. 

How am I to read this? I stepped into the triangle as well, so don't feel bad. I just wished I knew what to do with what I've got. RIght now I'm dark. NC for 2 days now. Ignored 2 calls and 1 text so far. I don't know if I should let her bring the kiddo over and have contact and keep "reading her actions" or if I should stay dark...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

It's not just women that do this. I've observed when I accidently trigger my husband (I've hurt him in the past) he subconsciously says hurtful things to defend himself. He feels an unseen threat and responds accordingly. However his actions say something completely different. His actions say he's a man in love (we've recently taken our marriage to a level I never thought possible).

In the past I would have taken this bait and might even provoked an argument over nothing. Now I'm learning to let it slide. He didn't mean it.

This is hard to do but always look at actions over words. People will many times say things they don't mean, they will also promise things they have no intention of delivering but their body/actions rarely lie.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Thanks Mavash. 

That's where I'm at. I'm getting more and more control of my emotions. I'm trying to act with my brain instead of my heart now. 

So I'm having to ask and talk and get more answers. 

She's so headstrong on D when talking, so strong on "NO, I don't want you"... lol but ALLLLWAYS adds, "Not right now" That's the hang up for me. 

But yes, just like you said, she's done things that were of concious mind that says completely different. To me, you don't look your future ex in the eyes and say "Ok, I love you..." or Touch them in certain ways like laying the hand over the heart while saying something sincere., and other things, ya know. 

Main reason I'm asking, is with these signs, we technically suppose to still have a "date" to go see Twilight" as we have the other films of the series. But I dont know what to do lol.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If you want to get good at reading people you have to be willing to look at the big picture not just the corner you wish to see. People will tell you the truth if you're willing to see it no matter how painful it is. 2 months ago I wasn't high on my husband's priority list and for years I was unwilling to see that. He said he cared but his actions said something completely different. See how this works? I rug swept and believed what I wanted to believe not the truth.

The truth is ugly, painful and it hurts like hell. But the truth will also set you free. Wasn't until I was willing to face how my husband truly felt about me was I willing to let him go. He wasn't into me and I accepted that. I was no longer willing to chase someone who wasn't interested.

The irony is THAT was what turned everything around.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

So you guys are over then? What turned around? Your life without him? Or did it turn HIM around? Sorry, I don't know your story :/

The thing is, I KNOW our marriage wasn't that bad. The more I think about it, the more I .... nvm. 

I'm trying to let go, for now as recommended. But it's hard. When I have to see her for child exchanges and her actions show "hope". .. I don't know if it's real hope, or if it's b/s.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> So you guys are over then? What turned around? Your life without him? Or did it turn HIM around? Sorry, I don't know your story :/
> 
> The thing is, I KNOW our marriage wasn't that bad. The more I think about it, the more I .... nvm.
> 
> I'm trying to let go, for now as recommended. But it's hard. When I have to see her for child exchanges and her actions show "hope". .. I don't know if it's real hope, or if it's b/s.


Dewayne I'm kinda with you on this. My husband's actions speaks different from his words... but then again, i have to remember that he had me fooled for months when he was cheating on me. 

My dilemma right now is that he wont sign the final papers for our divorce. He also didn't sign the original petition and let it go into default, when he was the one pushing for the divorce. I'm almost ready to close that door behind me and open a new chapter in mine (and our children's) life BUT part of me is kinda still holding that glimmer of hope of him telling me he's changed his mind and wants to come back.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Yeah. I'm being told when it's time to pay attention to the actions, you'll know. 

It's rough. I know. 

I'll know what happens on my end when I finally see the papers and see what she does. 

I'm working hard to not care. But... it's hard. For me it's VERY hard letting go apparantly. There's still ppl here that's not given up on me and is still helping. Maybe they see how hard headed i am and are understanding of this. 

It is funny, how they do act so differently than their words. 

I can say this though. TO ANYONE who thinks "this won't happen to me" BUULLL SHHEEEETT! I was one of those. Never thought my wife would be able to do this crap... so weird.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> Yeah. I'm being told when it's time to pay attention to the actions, you'll know.
> 
> It's rough. I know.
> 
> ...


Dewayne.

3rd thread on the same mindset.

I will follow you to each if need be.

You want to know something?

I once tried to explain how I felt when going through this entire thing.

The best way to express how I felt.

"It's like I have an arrow (which represented attachment to my ex) through the heart and I cannot break off it's tip to pull it out. I'm doing this entire thing while pulling a complete arrow out of my chest and the pain is unbelievable."

I was in tears, at work when I thought of it that way.

Sad? Victim? Maybe.

But it was the complete, honest truth.

Truth to MYSELF.

Once I was honest with myself, in the situation at hand I was slowly able to get a grasp on it.

I fell many, MANY times though.

A lot of it was self inflicted and done on purpose at times.

For attention, for reassurance that people around me still cared.

For many reasons.

Until you are sick and tired of being sick and tired you will continue to struggle.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

... yeah. I'm getting ya. 

I'm getting closer. I can almost feel it. 

Shouldn't be too many more stumbles before I'm off the ground for good. ... I hope.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> ... yeah. I'm getting ya.
> 
> *I'm getting closer. I can almost feel it. *
> 
> Shouldn't be too many more stumbles before I'm off the ground for good. ... I hope.


"Those who don't get it, say they get it. Those who do, don't say anything at all."


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I laughed many times reading the article and the comments. Thank you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dewayne76 said:


> So you guys are over then? What turned around? Your life without him? Or did it turn HIM around? Sorry, I don't know your story :/


Oh no we aren't over we are better than ever. I fought HARD for our marriage, fought hard for him. I read every book, did a ton of individual counseling (I'm the one who effed up the marriage), plus came here to study and learn how to be a better wife.

Eventually I found a ***** in his armor and he let me back in. We aren't out of the woods yet but we are well on our way. I've got this now - I just was putting what I'd learned on this thread about don't listen to what they say watch what they do.


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