# One foot forward



## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

So last night I attended my first divorce group session and had an absolute ball. The past three weeks I have been trying to figure out what went wrong with my marriage of 19 yrs. i was talking with my friends that she had confided in lsst year and dug up old dirt. Then I would try and change her mind about trying to reconcile to no use. Worst few weeks of my life.

Last night I think just sitting and talking about what happened to people that haven't a clue about your life and what you have gone through makes me at least at peace. I had made things so bad between my ex and I that she said she would only dicuss subjects about the kids and nothing else. This morning I sent an email to the two people I had been getting my information from and apologized to them for what I had put them through the past few weeks and that I was going to stop and focus on today and nothing about the past. I just let it out there with some views I have about how my ex has been acting and my feelings.

At the end of the email I addressed my ex and said this email has nothing to do with you it is for me apologizing for what I ahve put them through these past few weeks and I heard you loud and clear we were done. I sent the email to the two freinds and her.

Well low a behold she responded to the email and said I disagree with some of your comments. I said sorry those are my feelings and how I see things so I'm not getting into it. It felt soooo good.

I don't want to reconcile but I do think since we have two kids involved we need to be cordial and not absolutely hate each other. I think I pulled her a little back to the middle so I accomplished my task today. Now for tomorrow until who knows when I will won't ask her stupid little questions like how's your day and let her go be who she says she wants to be and I'll continue my journey to healing.

Have a great day.

Shoeguy


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I think as the betrayed spouse, we all need to realize that the person who did the cheating is going to attempt every method available within themselves to assume a sense of "strength?" I guess, despite their indiscretion and failure. Sometimes its pure indignation, or stubbornness, that will not allow them to see or accept they were capable of making a mistake, especially one so devestating to their families. 

Sometimes from our standpoint it seems like complete callousness, but its not. Its the last line of defense they have between cold hard facts of their fallible humanity, versus their own impression of themselves. 

Some have friends shooting them uplifting emails from Pink Kisses, a website of man-haters that attempts to sweep the adultery under the rug and gives points as to how to get under their spouse's skins. Ive read them, and its sickening. 
But thats the nature of the beast. Nevermind what youve done, or how it affects everything in your life, just wash it away from your mind at any cost and run and hide from the truth of your capacity to make huge mistakes.

Its quite sad really. I think a lot of these breakups would have had a chance if the betrayer wasnt so self-centered and unwilling to admit that they are human.
I guess we just have to give them what they want, let them relish their choices, or lack of acknowledging such. 

Someday theres going to be a person in my life thats aware of herself, aware and active towards the support of a good marriage.
Someone I can communicate with, dont have to play daddy to, and then be hated for being controlling when the lack of self control left no option other than for "us" as a couple to crash and burn.

I hope they thoroughly enjoy the next episode of their Soap Opera life, as their stubbornness, and lack of awareness of themselves propagates the same old storyline until their life is truly wasted on dead ends.

Let them feel their victory, becuase it was bought with self-denial, and destruction of something far better than they could have ever hoped for.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I beleive you have something there. With the self centered line. She has somehow elevated herself up above everyone else in her mind. She really has struck a crushing blow and acts like no one is watching or that it is perfectly fine. She has quickly alienated my family and all but one couple in our cirlcle of friends and says she is confused by that. But she knows where she is, knows where she is headed and moving on.

My response was LOL. Becasue if she is confused why she is being alienated by friends of almost 20 years, then how does she know all that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Shoeguy said:


> Well low a behold she responded to the email and said I disagree with some of your comments. I said sorry those are my feelings and how I see things so I'm not getting into it. It felt soooo good.


LOL in deed. You have a right to your feelings. She is no longer your problem. Let her spew.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

I tdid feel good but thinking about it longer I could have just not responded. I'm just still in the stage where I can't get used to not communicating with her. Ever since we started dating I talked to her every day. In hindsight it must not been about the right things. :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well it's done now. In the future if she spews, don't respond to anything unrelated to the divorce and co-parenting. That's it.


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## Shoeguy (Jun 23, 2011)

Good deal.

It will be tough we still have lots of items comingled at her/ my old house. I just told her I was coming over to get the chainsaw and she asked what tree I was taking down. I answered but should I have said nothing or would that be rude?

We also enjoy a local program of hikes and I told her I was going to be on the hike this Sunday should I avoid her. She said she didn't know what time she was going to get there so I should arrive on time. I think that is her way of not answering and solving the problem at the same time.

Baby steps right?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, baby steps.

Again, don't engage her unless it's related to the D or the kids. That's it.


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