# She drinks and can’t stop, how to help her?



## JustWR

My wife and I have been together for three years, but I only found out about her drinking problem five months ago, when found her drunk and crying on the kitchen floor. As it turns out, she’d been addicted long before we met. She was clean for 6 years, she can’t explain what could trigger that now. 
I blame myself, I was too wrapped up in my work during the past year and didn’t notice anything, wasn't giving her enough attention. She’s ashamed about this, promises to stop, but does it again and again. I’m convinced she needs professional treatment (like the last time 6 years ago).
Trying to help her I started to search the place, where she could get treatment and came across the rehabs on Addiction Resource for women only. I think, she might benefit from being around other women with the same problem. She agreed, but it seems like she thinks I just don’t want to bother with her. I see she needs my attention. She pulled away from me. 
Is there anyone that was in a similar situation and has advice for me?


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## Andy1001

JustWR said:


> My wife and I have been together for three years, but I only found out about her drinking problem five months ago, when found her drunk and crying on the kitchen floor. As it turns out, she’d been addicted long before we met. She was clean for 6 years, she can’t explain what could trigger that now.
> I blame myself, I was too wrapped up in my work during the past year and didn’t notice anything, wasn't giving her enough attention. She’s ashamed about this, promises to stop, but does it again and again. I’m convinced she needs professional treatment (like the last time 6 years ago).
> Trying to help her I started to search the place, where she could get treatment and came across the rehabs on Addiction Resource for women only. I think, she might benefit from being around other women with the same problem. She agreed, but it seems like she thinks I just don’t want to bother with her. I see she needs my attention. She pulled away from me.
> Is there anyone that was in a similar time situation and has advice for me?


Your wife is an alcoholic and always will be,there is no cure. If she accepts that she has this addiction then she may be able to get into recovery. If she doesn’t accept it then you are wasting your time. 
Stop making excuses for her,it isn’t helping and in some ways it is enabling. 
Her pulling away from you is very worrying,she is rewriting history to justify her drinking. 
I can tell you this much about alcoholism,a lot of alcoholics have to reach rock bottom before they get the help they need. She has a way to go yet and whether you want to or even can stay the course remains to be seen. 
Don’t waste your money on expensive therapy,while she is still drinking it’s a waste of time.


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## arbitrator

Andy1001 said:


> Your wife is an alcoholic and always will be,there is no cure. If she accepts that she has this addiction then she may be able to get into recovery. If she doesn’t accept it then you are wasting your time.
> Stop making excuses for her,it isn’t helping and in some ways it is enabling.
> Her pulling away from you is very worrying,she is rewriting history to justify her drinking.
> I can tell you this much about alcoholism,a lot of alcoholics have to reach rock bottom before they get the help they need. She has a way to go yet and whether you want to or even can stay the course remains to be seen.
> Don’t waste your money on expensive therapy,while she is still drinking it’s a waste of time.


*Or in the case of my RSXW, they hopefully take their denial of their alcoholism to the level of being "functional alcoholics!"

All while hoping and praying that nobody ever notices, or calls them out on it!

And if perchance they do, then like the ostrich, they bury their drugged-up head off into the sand and just pretend that no one can see them! *


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## 3Xnocharm

You need to stop blaming your actions for her drinking. The only person responsible for the problem drinking is the alcoholic themselves. And by going out of your way to try and get her treatment, you are actually enabling her. Get yourself to some Al Anon meetings, they can help you recognize your enabling and co-dependence, and can help you find ways to help yourself. This is not your burden to bear, only your wife can help herself.


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## OnTheFly

No children until problem resolved.


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## wilson

JustWR said:


> She’s ashamed about this, promises to stop, but does it again and again. I’m convinced she needs professional treatment (like the last time 6 years ago).


She'll be an alcoholic for the rest of her life. That doesn't mean she'll be drinking for the rest of her life. Staying clean means that she does treatment and takes steps to stay away from alcohol. Treatment at a rehab is a first step to get some space between her and drinking--it's not a cure. It just breaks the cycle so that the maintenance work can go on.

Often drinking is used to self-medicate for some underlying issue. That could be things like lack of self worth, abuse, stress, emotional distress, etc. etc. etc. Just cutting out drinking doesn't solve these underlying issues. So in addition to not drinking, work needs to be done on those issues so she doesn't feel the need to self-medicate.

There are things you can do to make it much easier for her to not drink. Don't keep alcohol in the house, don't drink when you go out, etc. Help her work through her issues. But don't take full responsibility for her staying clean--that is her responsibility. You are there to help her achieve that and make it easier for her to stay on that track.

You may also need to reconsider any long-term plans for your life together. Avoiding stress will make it easier for her to stay clean. So rather than having an expensive house, high-stress job, and lots of kids, she may need to have a simpler life with no kids. 

But no matter how much progress you and she make, it's likely she will relapse from time to time. Whether you should stick it out will be a personal decision. You could consider how much responsibility she takes and work she does to stay clean as to whether you should stay. If she externalizes everything, then it's likely not going to be productive to stay together. But if she really is dedicated to staying clean and works hard, it could just be something you work through in your marriage.

Have you dealt with any close friends or relatives that had an addiction? There's a show called "Intervention" which you can find on streaming which might be useful to see more examples of the issues that families have to deal with and how they try to handle it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

And bear in mind AA isn't the only resource for ine who drinks too much or their family.

It's one source of info, but not the only. 

And it's not always right. Not taking away from it but folks can get on to the AA only highway. 

Educate yourself if you want to be involved in trying to help.

As your wife, it would seem your would. Some can be helped, not all, but remain hopeful. 

Strength and encouragement to you.

RR


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## notmyjamie

You've gotten some good advice so far. I'm going to second that you should not be taking any blame for this at all. Alcoholism is a disease and she does need treatment. Just like you can't give her diabetes, you can't "give" her alcoholism either. 

But, you can help by not being an enabler. No cleaning up after her, no helping her into bed, etc. If she passes out somewhere, leave her there, making sure she is in a safe position but otherwise leave her on the floor. If she can't make it to work, SHE has to call her job, not her, etc. 

There are many resources out there to help the family of an alcoholic. There are many books on the subject. Do some research on how to take care of YOU.


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## TBT

JustWR said:


> She was clean for 6 years, she can’t explain what could trigger that now.


In my opinion,if she was truly clean for 6 years then she knows what triggered the relapse. I relapsed twice and knew why both times. She might want to explore that more in depth.


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## aine

JustWR said:


> My wife and I have been together for three years, but I only found out about her drinking problem five months ago, when found her drunk and crying on the kitchen floor. As it turns out, she’d been addicted long before we met. She was clean for 6 years, she can’t explain what could trigger that now.
> I blame myself, I was too wrapped up in my work during the past year and didn’t notice anything, wasn't giving her enough attention. She’s ashamed about this, promises to stop, but does it again and again. I’m convinced she needs professional treatment (like the last time 6 years ago).
> Trying to help her I started to search the place, where she could get treatment and came across the rehabs on Addiction Resource for women only. I think, she might benefit from being around other women with the same problem. She agreed, but it seems like she thinks I just don’t want to bother with her. I see she needs my attention. She pulled away from me.
> Is there anyone that was in a similar situation and has advice for me?


Please, please do not blame yourself. A's are very good at hiding the real self, it only comes out after living with them for some time. They will blame you for your lack of emotions, neglect, etc etc, but this is not what makes them drink, the flaw is in her.
There is absolutely nothing you can do to get her to stop, step 1, you are totally powerless over her and her drinking and your life has become unmanageable.

I suggest you stop enabling her, stop helping her, let her hit rock bottom first. What you have to do is get help for yourself. You are already displaying co-dependent behavior in trying to "fix' her. 

Join Al anon and also Soberrecovery.com friends and families of alcoholics, you will learn so much there, more that the normal TAM members can help you with. I learned so much in SR.com that I wish I had know 2 decades ago. I am married to a functioning A for over 25 years and it has been a roller coaster, with good times in between but it is a slow steady descent. I might have done things differently if I had known more. Pls arm yourself with knowledge about alcoholism, their behavior, their lying, etc. She is not the girl you thought you married. Sorry for being so blunt.


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