# Boyfriend's lack of remorse for emotional cheating still hurts me. What do I do?



## madscientist76 (Jun 13, 2011)

My boyfriend (22 years old, I'm 21, and we've been going out for 3 years) admitted to having feelings for this female co-worker two weeks ago. Weeks before he admitted to it, he was taking me on an emotional roller coaster. He would pick fights with me, was very distant, exhibited bizarre behavior that was so unlike him, and he seemed attached to this girl. I knew what was going on, so it wasn't surprising when he admitted it. At first, after he confessed this, we decided to stay together, but things still seemed off. He brought up the subject of open relationships and said how he knew a couple that was in a successful open relationship for six years. He claimed he wasn't trying to convince me that we should be in an open relationship, but it sure felt like it because he was shooting down all my arguments against open relationships. This was extremely weird behavior on his part, since my boyfriend has always been a genuine, committed, monogamous guy. Truly. So we had a long talk about this and I told him that he was only bringing up open relationships to rationalize his feelings for the other girl. He seemed very confused. I kept telling him the only way to truly relinquish feelings for this girl was to avoid contact with her, but he said that was too controlling of me. He seemed like he just couldn't let go of her, which hurt me badly because if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't care about her. (Keep in mind he's only known her since March/April of this year.) He seemed attached, yet he also said how guilty he felt and how he was contemplating suicide over this. Eventually, he told me he'd make the decision to forget about her and he apologized a lot to me. He seemed broken up about it and very remorseful, and that made me feel better. This was May 28th.

In the days after he confessed, we hung out a lot and had a great time together. I was feeling better and trying to move passed this mess. Then, on June 1st, he told me he'd texted her back and forth admitting his feelings for her (he initially told me he wasn't going to do this). He immediately offered that I could look and read the texts on his phone the next day. I didn't ask him to see them. Anyway, it's the next day and I read all the texts. I was actually pretty hurt by reading them. He texted her first because she had 'liked' some things on Facebook that made it seem like a guy was on her mind, and my boyfriend thought it was him. Here are some things he said that bothered me:

_I know from personal experience that if things are hanging by a thread in a relationship, and someone amazing is met, it’s one of the most difficult situations imaginable._

[She asked him how things were doing between me and him]
_Could definately be better... Things are better with [my name] I guess. It’s weird. I feel like I have every reason to be happy with her. She’s not doing anything wrong, and is fixing all the problems that were bothering me before. She’s great. But I still feel disconnected. I actually developed feelings for someone else. And it’s tearing me apart and making me hate myself. I never in a million years thought I’d be in a situation like this. I hate being pulled in different directions. I’ve actually never been derailed in a relationship before. I’ve always been one tracked minded and completely devoted. First time in my life that I meet someone great enough to emotionally trip me up. It sucks because neither girl deserves this bull* * * * . It makes me just want to run away and disappear. I just want to do the right thing and I’d seppuku before dishonoring myself by cheating._

_I tried telling her I needed a break. She just couldn’t. It would have destroyed everything. I’m just trying to suck it up and be happy. I don’t want anyone to be hurt. I tend to put my own needs last in my efforts to conserve peace. She kept asking me why I wanted a break and demanded all the details. I hate feeling like I’m hiding things and I can’t live with myself if I lie to the ones I love. So she made me tell her everything. She was surprisingly understanding, and it seems like things will be ok. She doesn’t deserve to be dumped, and I’m just trying to keep my head on my shoulders and do everything right. It really sucks though, because I’m not sure how I affected the other girl. I want her to be happy, because she doesn’t deserve anything less. But what I can say or do is limited, especially since I never told her about this whole situation directly. And also, even though I’ve been getting gut feelings and am almost sure how she’s effected, I’m still not 100% sure she’s crushing on me back. What if I’m wrong?_

Then he asked if they were going to keep their "obvious crushes" anonymous still and he said to her, "As you probably guessed, it's you." As if the crush was still there, after he told me it wasn't there anymore. More:

_I find it really hard to believe that there are no single guys chasing after you. He also said whatever guy gets her would be lucky._

_Whatever happens, keep your chin up. And take it as a boost to your self-esteem that you’re the only one who was EVER able to derail me. Lol everyone else fails so hard against my near-impossible standards._

Does he sound remorseful or happy to be with me judging from these texts? I asked him about the whole "sucking it up and trying to be happy" thing after we'd had an extended weekend together that was amazing, and he said he's not trying to be happy anymore. He says he is happy. Yet he still told me that if he hadn't met me, then this girl would've been the one for him, or he would at least go out with her. He said, "Honestly, she's amazing, but you're more amazing." He said he didn't know how it'd turn out with the other girl and that I was more mature than her, so he decided to be with me. Though it still hurts that this even happened. Our relationship has always been awesome. He said he was unhappy the month before this happened, and it was mostly due to the effects of my birth control. I became depressed on it, but I have since switched to a different birth control. I realize that having mood swings and being depressed is not a good thing, and I am extra mindful of it now and I know how it affects him... but, I don't know if that justifies what he did. He just seems to put some blame on me and he doesn't really seem sorry anymore for what he did. I don't even want to talk to him about this because he always gets weird whenever I bring it up (which isn't often). I really want to move on, but his attitude about this whole situation bothers me. Including his continuous contact with the other girl. He even asked me if all three of us could hang out. What should I make of all this? What should I do?

Note: We used to be engaged, but we aren't at the moment. He didn't even give me a real ring, but it was just symbolic.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Sorry, but it's time to break up.

You are both going to change a lot more in this life. You've been dating since he was 19 and you were 18. Your brains won't even fully develop until your mid-twenties. Your personalities will change until then.

Marriage is very hard. Married people have temptations to cheat that are much more serious than one spouse being moody for a whole 4 weeks. Do you want to commit yourself to a boy who longs for someone else but is begrudgingly willing to "do the right thing" and date you exclusively?

If you want to keep dating him, change your relationship to an open one. Date him and date other people. But I don't see any future marriage being successful.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wow, he thinks alot of himself. She should keep her chin up and feel lucky because she is the only one who was able to derail him, like he is some speeding freight train with faulty brakes? 

Run for the hills honey. This man is no good for you. He isn't putting his feelings on the back burner and thinking of others. He is ONLY thinking of himself. He wants his loyal girlfriend/former fiance on one side and some chick who fawns all over him on the other AND he wants you all to hang out together. I wouldn't give him the option to decide, I would be gone. 

Contrary to the previous poster, I don't think your age has anything to do with deciding to end it. Heck, I was married at 22. I do however think that your boyfriend has shown his true colors, blamed you for his cheating and now wants to sweep it all aside and saddle you with the burden. 

I do agree with the previous poster that this isn't a good sign at all, marriage is tough and this is only a glimpse of what is to come. Run honey, run.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Listen up and listen well: you are too young to be dealing with this BS.

Dump him. if he wants out, let him go. Don't ever cling to someone who's not sure if they want to be with you.

You asked if he has any remorse? He may, but not enough to where he respects you and your relationship enough to cut off contact with her. 

He has some major balls asking you if you want to hang out with her, the three of you together. 



madscientist76 said:


> _Whatever happens, keep your chin up. And take it as a boost to your self-esteem that you’re the only one who was EVER able to derail me. Lol everyone else fails so hard against my near-impossible standards._


I would print this text out for him and leave it on his nightstand with a "Good luck with X" comment. 

Be done.


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## madscientist76 (Jun 13, 2011)

I appreciate everyone's responses. I will take them all into account and possibly, at some point, show them to him.

New question!

Yesterday, I hung out with him and things were wonderful. We had a fun, amazing day together and there were things that he said to me that sounded like he knew he made a mistake, but didn't say it outright. He kept showering me with (genuine) compliments, saying how nobody else has ever been so patient and understanding with him and how nobody else truly loves him like I do. He said that we fit together so well personality-wise. This made me feel more secure and I actually began to heal from this whole situation.

Now, this morning: I wake up and find that, before work, he commented on her status on Facebook. At first, I was like "What the hell?" but I realized it was innocent. Then, I noticed he 'liked' her new profile picture. It's just a picture of her, no one else, standing in her mirror, posing. She's not wearing anything too skimpy, but she does look pretty in it. This upset me, because why would he 'like' this? Especially a picture of a girl who he had a significant crush on? It's now reopened the wound that was starting to heal. But should I be worried over this, or am I being silly?


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## Haunted (Jun 2, 2011)

madscientist76 said:


> I appreciate everyone's responses. I will take them all into account and possibly, at some point, show them to him.
> 
> New question!
> 
> ...


YES, you should be worried. He is playing you and he will not stop contacting this other girl. As the others have said he wants to cake eat with you at home and waiting for him while he plays with this other girl.


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## TruthSetsYouFree (May 10, 2011)

MadScientist, I PM'd you.


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