# My Wicked Awsome Life/Marriage with an ongoing thread of malcontent.



## Buddasidedown (Jan 18, 2014)

My Hubby and I have been together for about 15 years 11 married. We are best friends and agree on parenting styles(2 kids under 10). We laugh at each others jokes and get on with each others parents. WOW! What's the problem right? Since about 2009 I've been in a great friendship with the man I'm married to buddies? Ug, I'm sick to death of just feeling for him buddyship! I'm not dead hormonaly I just don't get a rush on for the man I call Husband. Do you want to know a secret? Physically he was never my cup of tea. He also smells wrong. I like a good man musk(and I'm not talking sweaty stink)I mean man MUSK! Well I like it as much as the next woman but I never liked his nor the way he tasted to tell the truth. I ignored those things 15 years ago because he was a really good kisser and.... and because the man is really great. But now. All these years a house and two kids in. Starting over would be seriously scary! 
I wonder is my feeling that my marriage deserves to enjoy mutual attraction too much to expect? What if it's just not possible? Is it grounds for the big D? I want to feel alive and have the chance of feeling mutual sexual heat with a man again. I just don't know if I can ever feel that way about my husband again.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Do other women go after him?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Do other women go after him?


I'll take the lack of a response as a "no, other women aren't attracted to him, either." 

Basically, you aren't attracted to him sexually and never were. You also are pretty sure, at least as far as you know, that no other women are attracted to him. This is normal, 4-7 years in, and again at 12 to 14 years (depending on the "expert") into a marriage. 

You've got engaged, you've had the wedding, you've bought the house, you've had the kids; all the things that were supposed to make you happy. But you're not really haaapy, there is that one little missing link. It's very common and the reason is that you kind of settled for a really, really first rate, stand-up guy that you knew would be a good provider, loyal, and a good father. But, you were never sexually turned on by that guy. He is what is called a "Beta-Provider." Since most women are not sexually attracted to most men, there are a lot of Beta-Providers out there, living their clueless lives. At least they're clueless until they show up in "Coping With Infidelity."

Now that you've punched all your tickets for the wife and mother experience, you still want to get some alpha male thrills. Completely understandable; many, perhaps most, women get to this point. Which is why crap like "Eat, Pray, Love" is so popular with women.

Your options are the same as those all the other women who find themselves in your position have:

#1 Divorce
#2 Swing or Open Marriage
#3 Get some boyfriends

I think that covers the possibilities. Which one appeals to you the most?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Machiavelli;6630121
#3 Get some boyfriends
[/QUOTE said:


> Maybe I am reading it wrong but from the sounds of it, she might already have one. The friendship (buddyship?) with her husband's friend I'm sure isn't helping her find love and attraction with her husband.
> 
> As a woman I think that you can develop sexually attraction to someone because of an emotional connection, that they make you feel safe and loved. It's not all about the alpha traits or looks or how they smell. Maybe all they need is some 100% focus time for their relationship (dates, romance, away from the kids) and the "buddy" to go away?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *Buddasidedown said*: My Hubby and I have been together for about 15 years 11 married. We are best friends and agree on parenting styles(2 kids under 10). We laugh at each others jokes and get on with each others parents. WOW! What's the problem right? *Since about 2009 I've been in a great friendship with the man I'm married to buddies? Ug, I'm sick to death of just feeling for him buddyship*!


Sounds like for the past 7 yrs of your 11 year marriage...you feel "like friends" NOT LOVERS.... has he lost his sexual drive / passion for you ...is this part of the problem...sounds it was better before 2009, since you mentioned this year as the starting point to it going bad..



> I'm not dead hormonaly I just don't get a rush on for the man I call Husband. *Do you want to know a secret? Physically he was never my cup of tea*. He also smells wrong. I like a good man musk(and I'm not talking sweaty stink)I mean man MUSK! Well I like it as much as the next woman but I never liked his nor the way he tasted to tell the truth. I ignored those things 15 years ago because he was a really good kisser and.... and because the man is really great. But now. All these years a house and two kids in. Starting over would be seriously scary!


 So you married him because he was a good Kisser, He was Kind, good to you.....but even then you KNEW he wasn't your cup of tea ... or felt you could have been happier with another type of man.. so basically you settled.... Does he have any idea YOU felt this way *then*...and how you are feeling *NOW*? 



> I wonder is my feeling that my marriage deserves to enjoy mutual attraction too much to expect? What if it's just not possible? Is it grounds for the big D? I want to feel alive and have the chance of feeling mutual sexual heat with a man again. *I just don't know if I can ever feel that way about my husband again.*


 Your last sentence makes it sound as though you DID have it at one time... by asking "*CAN I EVER FEEL THAT WAY ABOUT HIM AGAIN*"....

I am assuming you & he have *resentments *that has stolen your intimacy over the years...causing a great emotional divide....where the sexual attraction/ intimacy has slowly dried up......while he increasingly annoys you...

A brand of Musk can be changed.. but resentments need to be unearthed...put on the table and worked through to healing....and resolution with you both feeling heard, understood ...with a plan before you to rebuild with each other...have you talked to him about how you feel, where you are...so he has an opportunity to help this situation...

There is nothing wrong with feeling Best friends with a Lover.. but they shouldn't cease to BE that Lover....

Cheap thrills with a few Alpha males who toss you aside so they can go screw someone else ...this is not going to help anything unless you want a divorce to live a lifestyle of this... once you walk down that road...you can never return. Heed carefully. 

What is salvageable here?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Buddasidedown said:


> My Hubby and I have been together for about 15 years 11 married. We are best friends and agree on parenting styles(2 kids under 10). We laugh at each others jokes and get on with each others parents. WOW! What's the problem right? Since about 2009 I've been in a great friendship with the man I'm married to buddies? Ug, I'm sick to death of just feeling for him buddyship! I'm not dead hormonaly I just don't get a rush on for the man I call Husband. Do you want to know a secret? Physically he was never my cup of tea. He also smells wrong. I like a good man musk(and I'm not talking sweaty stink)I mean man MUSK! Well I like it as much as the next woman but I never liked his nor the way he tasted to tell the truth. I ignored those things 15 years ago because he was a really good kisser and.... and because the man is really great. But now. All these years a house and two kids in. Starting over would be seriously scary!
> I wonder is my feeling that my marriage deserves to enjoy mutual attraction too much to expect? What if it's just not possible? Is it grounds for the big D? I want to feel alive and have the chance of feeling mutual sexual heat with a man again. I just don't know if I can ever feel that way about my husband again.


Do him a big favor and leave him.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sounds like you've already found the dude you wanna sleep with. All I get from your post is that your new lover is not as good a kisser as your husband. Stop cheating. Tell your husband the truth and be assured that you'll end up hurting him A LOT if you haven't already.


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## kotlarbia (Jan 17, 2014)

It's not all about the alpha traits or looks or how they smell.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

I totally missed the fact she already has something going in with BH's friend. 

Well, five minutes of Alpha beats 15 years of Beta.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Machiavelli said:


> I totally missed the fact she already has something going in with BH's friend.
> 
> Well, five minutes of Alpha beats 15 years of Beta.


Whoa, wait, what? Where does it say she's with his friend?! I think you are misreading.


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