# Compassion is Not the Same as Justifying



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I want to be clear: I was DEVASTATED by my husband's affair. I am still suffering from the effects of the trauma. I am still grieving the loss of the marriage we had before - it will never be a marriage "untouched" by infidelity.

There are people who are much more compassionate than I am. I think Buddhists monks are probably the best at this - they meditate on it and work toward being more compassionate every day of their lives. There are people who have forgiven the murderers of their loved ones - they even meet with them, and I can't get my head around that.

I think that trying to be understanding of someone who has done something wrong, especially someone that we love, isn't a bad way to be. It's hard to do when the thing they've done wrong has wounded us so deeply. Trying to consider that there may be "contributing factors" - some internal emotional pain they weren't handling well, bad coping skills, something exceptionally stressful going on - would be a compassionate response, and I think that's a good thing to do, difficult though it may be. In no way do these factors justify bad behavior. But when otherwise good people do bad things, why not delve into what may have "turned" them into the kind of person they wouldn't ordinarily behave like?

If the affair just finally revealed their "true selves" that's something else entirely.

But maybe there was a situation involving a fallible person going through a bad time and the "wrong" circumstances all aligned. If a BS chooses to consider R (and that's totally up to each BS - D is certainly understandable, since the "contract" has been broken), it's rubbing salt in the wound if people they are turning to for "support" start bashing the WS (and sometimes the BS), and accusing the BS of "justifying" the affair whenever some compassion is shown to the WS.

My husband was never in love with the AP, but it took several weeks for him to come out of his fog (or for his meds to kick in again, whatever you want to blame - he'd weaned himself off, and that's when the affair started). An IC he was seeing who thought "transparency" wasn't respecting his "boundaries" didn't help matters any - I got him to quit that IC once I found out about the bad advice. I do think it's common for WS's to be in LaLa Land for awhile after D-Day; their thinking wasn't very clear going into the affair and they don't suddenly gain clarity the day the affair is exposed and ended. I didn't want to start MC right away because I could tell he wasn't ready - he became very anxious whenever we tried to discuss the affair. He did it in "bits and pieces," and I got confirmation of all the intel I had. I didn't want to force longer talks because he would visibly shake; I didn't see how it would help either of us for me to push him and ignore his anxiety symptoms just because I wanted to keep talking.

But once he started to feel better and came out of his fog, he dove right into MC and really participated, and we've gotten SO much out it. He's been remorseful and he hates who he was back then. My being understanding of his anxiety and medical problems, and even of some communication problems in our marriage prior to the affair, in no way justifies what he did.


----------



## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Thanks for sharing your story. I do agree that compassion isn‘t the same as justifying. I can also understand how people would balk at that. That a ws‘s actions or the ws themselves are seen so heinous and not deserving of any compassion when their actions didn‘t show compassion for you. 

I do think I understand what you‘re trying to say. You can have compassion for the beliefs, feelings etc. While not at all agreeing with what they did. Understanding where my spouse was coming from didn‘t take the hurt away, nor did I agree with it but it did help me put some things together for myself.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

As a former Disloyal, I agree with this. Striving to understand what happened, evaluating it, looking for "explanations" in no way really explains adultery--in my opinion, it is something a former Disloyal does to examine themselves and identify areas of weakness or what to work on in counseling. 

In a similar way, understanding that a Disloyal Spouse is a human being, prone to errors (and in this case a HUGE error) and having some compassion for imperfection does not in any way excuse an affair or justify one. Honestly I think it's just a statement about the character and quality of the Loyal Spouse. It takes a MIGHTY BIG PERSON to have compassion on someone who did something wrong and hurt them! 

And having compassion doesn't automatically mean "reconciliation" necessarily either. I think it's entirely possible to see a Disloyal person as a fallible human being, have compassion, move on, and still choose that adultery is a deal-breaker.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

hopefulgirl, everything you say is true.

However, during his betrayal he probably felt more "alive" than at any other point in his life. Looking back he has to say how miserable it was, but that is a conditioned lie that all betrayers have to feel and say. That's one of the things that bothered me. Every time she reflected privately on her betrayal it had to bring a small smile to her filthy face. Something that should have been reserved for me. And for you with yours.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> My husband was never in love with the AP, but it took several weeks for him to come out of his fog.


Hmmm... if you say so. Being in the "fog" is by definition being in a love drunk or infatuated state with another person. If he didn't have feelings for her, then he would of dropped her like a hot potato when D-Day happened. So if that's the crap you're being fed then you sound like you are in a false R already.

Let me ask you something. Why do you feel like you can't find someone else to love as much? Why are you so much more emotionally invested in a person who is clearly not "all in" like you are? Why don't you feel like can't do better or don't deserve better than that?

If you go to a resturant and halfway through your otherwise delicious meal you get food poisoning, do you keep eating the establishment regardless? Or do you get up and leave, find a new place to eat, and never go back because you know it might make you sick again? Aren't there plenty of other places to eat with the same type of food you like?

If you love the person so much that you will find the compassion to forgive them for stabbing you in the back than that's you're choice. But as cheesy as it sounds, there are plenty of amazing people out there who aren't cheating scumbags and who would be more than happy to stay loyal to you forever.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Looking back he has to say how miserable it was, *but that is a conditioned lie that all betrayers have to feel and say.* That's one of the things that bothered me. Every time she reflected privately on her betrayal it had to bring a small smile to her filthy face.





Mrs. John Adams said:


> You have to stop putting words in other peoples mouths and feelings in their hearts.....good grief.


What MJA said. Seriously, thatbpguy, just because you _ believe_ your ex did this, doesn't automatically mean we * all * do. You can go back and edit or even try back pedaling in another post. But the above quoted says that you believe we all look back fondly on our actions. Contrary to what you believe, some of us are truly disgusted. It isn't a "conditioned lie" and it doesn't bring a smile to my face. In fact, it makes me want to throw up... and I never even had sex with the guy! Please, don't project your feelings about your ex onto the rest of us.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> hopefulgirl, everything you say is true.
> 
> However, during his betrayal he probably felt more "alive" than at any other point in his life. Looking back he has to say how miserable it was, but that is a conditioned lie that all betrayers have to feel and say. That's one of the things that bothered me. Every time she reflected privately on her betrayal it had to bring a small smile to her filthy face. Something that should have been reserved for me. And for you with yours.


Maybe your wife smiled when she reflected privately on her affair. If so, I'm sorry. I don't have any such worry about my husband feeling more "alive" during his. 

He was on medication for a worrisome new medical concern and was also supposed to be taking medication for a psychological issue, but had decided to wean himself off - as a result, he was not only more anxious during this period but mildly depressed. I picked up on it, and he acknowledges it too: he was NOT a happy camper. He and the OW were together physically very few times, and after the first time, he lied to her (and I have proof of that) to make her think he was less available than he really was. 

Before D-Day, he actually confessed to me over the phone on a business trip, then chickened out partway through: he said "I'm cheating on you" then after my stunned silence he added "with a redhead - someone brought their Irish Setter into the hotel tonight." He was so messed up, he couldn't come right out and tell me and get out of it, though he wanted to. He was afraid of the wrath of TWO women. So what course of action does an anxious, depressed man take? Avoidance.

No, I don't believe that messed up mope was feeling more alive; I can tell that he's now truly full of remorse, and he says of all the decisions he's ever made he regrets this one the most.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> WHAT???????
> First...you have absolutely NO IDEA what her husband was or is thinking. You are not him.....how you can say he probably felt more "alive" is a mighty big assumption on your part!
> 
> the ATTENTION i was receiving from the OM leading up the the adultery...was fun...the flattery was fun...I will be the first to admit that....
> ...


Woof! When you feel like taking someone to the woodshed you don't hold back.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Hmmm... if you say so. Being in the "fog" is by definition being in a love drunk or infatuated state with another person. If he didn't have feelings for her, then he would of dropped her like a hot potato when D-Day happened. So if that's the crap you're being fed then you sound like you are in a false R already.


I used "fog" differently. Maybe I didn't use the standard definition. Sorry for not being clear. He DID drop her like a hot potato. He didn't have feelings for her, and was actually relieved to have been caught because he wanted out - he had been lying to her, trying to avoid her. But he had been afraid of a scene, and hadn't figured out yet how to end it without a lot of drama. 

As for what I meant by "fog" - sorry for using the term incorrectly - he was having psychological problems that pre-dated the affair, and he had been weaning himself off his medication (making him "foggy" in his thinking). I encouraged him to get back on his medication after D-Day, but it doesn't always start to work right away. He got into IC (unfortunately, it wasn't someone who had any experience in counseling regarding infidelity) and our discussions were sometimes productive, but sometimes really tense. And, with some help from posters here, I finally figured out that the IC was undermining our progress. Instead of being encouraged to be transparent, he was being encouraged to keep some things "private" because that was somehow promoting healthy "boundaries." I called bulls*** on that!

I didn't want to start MC at first because I thought he needed to explore his OWN issues that contributed to his having an affair. Instead, this counselor was delaying his progress by basically encouraging him to keep things from me. Which was the WORST possible thing to do at the WORST possible time! I needed TOTAL transparency, and when he hesitated, I triggered (naturally). He wanted one account for buying "toys" and he wanted to keep the password from me, and his therapist thought that was fine. And I flipped. And they couldn't understand why. I was 100% sure he wasn't buying her anything, but I couldn't get it through to him then that that was beside the point. (NOW he gets it.) 

At the time, the "fog" as I'm calling it made it hard to get through to him. It wasn't love or lurve or infatuation with her - it was that he was still mildly depressed plus dealing with anxiety such that his head wasn't on straight yet, and this counselor wasn't straightening it out any (the counseling made his thinking WORSE).

So, I think of his thinking as having been faulty, but maybe fog wasn't the correct terminology.

As for his being "all in" there's no question about that now. Bad IC can make matters worse for a marriage so getting him to stop that helped our marriage get better almost immediately, AND I believe in better living through chemistry.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> I used "fog" differently. Maybe I didn't use the standard definition. Sorry for not being clear. He DID drop her like a hot potato. He didn't have feelings for her, and was actually relieved to have been caught because he wanted out - he had been lying to her, trying to avoid her. But he had been afraid of a scene, and hadn't figured out yet how to end it without a lot of drama.


You're certainly giving this guy a ton of "benefit of the doubt" with the way your saying the events unfolded. It almost sounds like a too good to be true perfect storm of bad events that led to the downward spiral of his infidelity. From experience, this tends to be how most cheaters spin the story and how it almost never goes down in reality. You'd be shocked how proactive many cheaters are in facilitating their affairs. That's quite the norm. 

Now if that's what you've decided you're going to believe then fine. He's your husband. I have no vested interest in your relationship. Just offering advice same as everyone else. Personally, if I we're you, I'd be watching this guy like a hawk for a very long time and if he so much as looks at you funny, I'd be dropping HIM like a hot potato. 

It's a VERY fine line between compassion and rug sweeping.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> yeah well i still like ya...lol


Thank you.

BTW, did you get that book for Mr. JA? I think it's A+.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> You're certainly giving this guy a ton of "benefit of the doubt" with the way your saying the events unfolded. It almost sounds like a too good to be true perfect storm of bad events that led to the downward spiral of his infidelity. From experience, this tends to be how most cheaters spin the story and how it almost never goes down in reality. You'd be shocked how proactive many cheaters are in facilitating their affairs. That's quite the norm.


Sometimes there really is a perfect storm. I have a lot of intel as well as info from the OW - she figured out he was lying to her and was none too happy about it. The stated purpose for both of them was "just sex." There was no romance going on, on either side. He was not an unwilling participant so of course he was "proactive" (mainly in the texting phase leading up to the first tryst), but from the first time they actually "did it" he started backing off - the dramatic drop off in text count was just one solid piece of evidence for that.

Once discovered, the hot potatoes were dropped on both sides. They were both d-o-n-e, and I had no worries about either one of them longing to "reunite" and "be together" again. I was more concerned about his mental health and getting THAT "together" again.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

hopefulgirl said:


> Sometimes there really is a perfect storm.


Fair enough. It's not impossible just improbable but it could happen. You would know far better than I.

In any event, Good Luck.


----------



## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Fair enough. It's not impossible just improbable but it could happen. You would know far better than I.
> 
> In any event, Good Luck.


Thanks. I have to say that it was particularly satisfying to see a "bitter end" for the thing, since once the light of day was shining on the sordid ickiness, they were both more than willing to immediately throw each other under the proverbial bus. NC was never a concern for me. That aspect may make mine an unusual situation, and for that I'm grateful.


----------



## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

You are absolutely right in everything you have said. I am very sorry that you experienced an affair. There is nothing easy about going through that kind of betrayal, but I know first hand that powerful things can happen when a couple decides to reconcile. Most of the time, if they do the hard work necessary, they come out the other side with a much better relationship then they ever thought possible.

Forgiveness is not an easy road to choose. People will always be there to support you in NOT forgiving because it is the easier thing to do. Often, they do so because they know in their own hearts that they wouldn't be willing to forgive. Although, ironically, the same people are very quick to demand forgiveness for themselves when they wrong someone else.

I am a spiritual man and I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I also believe that forgiveness is a Diving reality, a Godly trait. I believe that we are able to extend forgiveness because forgiveness has been extended to us. Oh the power of reconciliation! May more of us walk its path and open ourselves to the joy it brings. Blessings on all who read this.


----------

