# Don’t know how to pull the trigger



## JL39775 (Apr 28, 2017)

I’ve written a post several months ago about my marital issues and now I want a divorce. The issue I have is I pity my wife and I’m having a difficult time making an appointment to talk to an attorney. I have two kids 17 and 13 and I don’t want to hurt them. But, my relationship with my wife is troubling my kids. My wife and I argue all the time. The stress is high and there is no reason I need to spend the rest of my life in a stressful environment. I usually have courage in most aspects of my life. However, I feel weak and struggle to pick up the phone to speak to an attorney. Did anyone else here have a hard time getting the divorce process started? What did you do to overcome this issue? I’m looking for advice.

For a recap, here’s my first post from a few months ago https://r.tapatalk.com/shareLink?sh...iage.com/showthread.php?t=393329&share_type=t


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I would advise you to call and speak with the attorney for information only.....without deciding to divorce or remain married, just to find out exactly where you and your kids stand if you should decide to divorce.

I don't think it's a lack of courage on your part which is causing your hesitation. Your situation is very much like a man standing on a very high precipice and looking down....he decides to not jump...it's not a lack of courage, it's that he can accurately predict the outcome and is making a rational decision.

Seems to me that you are internally deciding not to call, and this may be indeed your best action.


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## JL39775 (Apr 28, 2017)

TJW said:


> I would advise you to call and speak with the attorney for information only.....without deciding to divorce or remain married, just to find out exactly where you and your kids stand if you should decide to divorce.
> 
> I don't think it's a lack of courage on your part which is causing your hesitation. Your situation is very much like a man standing on a very high precipice and looking down....he decides to not jump...it's not a lack of courage, it's that he can accurately predict the outcome and is making a rational decision.
> 
> Seems to me that you are internally deciding not to call, and this may be indeed your best action.




Thanks TWJ! I think I will start by calling an attorney for information.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Going through the divorce was a very difficult thing to do, but, the hallmark of a strong man is one that does what needs to be done regardless of how difficult it is. I have always wanted to be a strong male role model for my kids, so I just sacked up and did what needed to be done. Yes, it sucked but there's nothing as freeing as being decisive when in a difficult situation.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Your wife is either crazy or very, very frustrated with her life, but that is not what you are asking about in this post. You seem to have made up your mind. Of course it is difficult to pull the trigger on a long term marriage. Here's the thing, though: you continue to fight with her. No one fights if they don't care. You wife seems to be fighting (literally) for your marriage or her sanity or for people to start pulling their weight or something. Granted, it is ineffective and producing the opposite result of what she probably wants. And you seem to keep engaging her in the fights. Why??

If what you really want is out of the marriage, if you are really concerned for your children's mental health (and you should be at this point), then you need to find a new way to relate to your wife. You have a lot of decisions to make and conflicts to overcome in the near term as the divorce proceeds and in the future as the children grow to adulthood. Grow up a little.

I am not sure why you "feel sorry" for your wife. She seems as unhappy as you are. Frankly, a divorce might be doing her a favor. Listen to @Bananapeel.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your children are watching what you do. They've already seen the bad. Time for them to see the good.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

I struggled for a long time. But when the youngest left for college, I just decided it was time and made the call. My situation was different. I actually loved my XW's company and thought we had a great life (sans intimacy), and held out hope for years that we could work through "the issue". Boy was I stupid. You just have to do it.


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## JL39775 (Apr 28, 2017)

NickyT said:


> Your wife is either crazy or very, very frustrated with her life, but that is not what you are asking about in this post. You seem to have made up your mind. Of course it is difficult to pull the trigger on a long term marriage. Here's the thing, though: you continue to fight with her. No one fights if they don't care. You wife seems to be fighting (literally) for your marriage or her sanity or for people to start pulling their weight or something. Granted, it is ineffective and producing the opposite result of what she probably wants. And you seem to keep engaging her in the fights. Why??
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Nicky,

I’m human and I do engage in our fights since emotions can get the best of me at times. Regardless, I still get relentlessly attack when I try my best to stay calm and act reasonable. I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I never look for a fight but have a habit of sticking up for myself when being attacked. There are times I try to work on the way I deliver my response to her attacks. I tried the communication methods our marriage counselor taught us but my wife said she not ready to try what we were taught and needs more time. I’m frustrated that she’s in attack mode in every conversation we have. For example, instead of asking me how my day was when I get home, she asks why I’m 5 -10 minutes late and demands an explanation. My commute is an hour and I take public transportation. My usual response is “ I’m not sure why I’m late, I was reading on the bus and wasn’t paying attention to what slowed us down.” Then the interrogations starts and since I don’t have a good answer she blows up. 


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

JL39775 said:


> Nicky,
> 
> I’m human and I do engage in our fights since emotions can get the best of me at times. Regardless, I still get relentlessly attack when I try my best to stay calm and act reasonable. I feel I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I never look for a fight but have a habit of sticking up for myself when being attacked. There are times I try to work on the way I deliver my response to her attacks. I tried the communication methods our marriage counselor taught us but my wife said she not ready to try what we were taught and needs more time. I’m frustrated that she’s in attack mode in every conversation we have. For example, instead of asking me how my day was when I get home, she asks why I’m 5 -10 minutes late and demands an explanation. My commute is an hour and I take public transportation. My usual response is “ I’m not sure why I’m late, I was reading on the bus and wasn’t paying attention to what slowed us down.” Then the interrogations starts and since I don’t have a good answer she blows up.
> 
> ...


OP, I will remain true to my original point: You continue to engage which indicates that on some level you care what she thinks or, as Lincoln said (actually paraphrasing the bible) "Only a fool argues with a fool". 

Your wife sounds suspicious of your behavior (with or without reason? I don't know), and she sounds supremely frustrated with her life. Either that or she is flat out crazy. I am not trying to encourage you to stay with your wife or leave her. I am just pointing out what strikes me from what you write. 

Oh, and this: "I tried the communication methods our marriage counselor taught us but my wife said she not ready to try what we were taught and needs more time. "
Perhaps your wife is telling you the truth. Perhaps when you guys are locked in it and you try to pull out the rational thinking, she is not ready to be rational and needs more time. Maybe try the rational and when she does not respond, tell her you are going to a neutral space until she is ready. Ask her to get you when she is feeling ready to converse in a calm manner. Then, let her succeed or fail on her own. You have done your due diligence. She will probably get her wits about her and talk to you....eventually. Might take a couple of tries. If it works, try it every time. The time it takes her to get ahold of her thoughts will lessen and lessen as she learns.

Anyway....it takes two. If she is unwilling, then what else can you do?


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## JL39775 (Apr 28, 2017)

NickyT said:


> OP, I will remain true to my original point: You continue to engage which indicates that on some level you care what she thinks or, as Lincoln said (actually paraphrasing the bible) "Only a fool argues with a fool".
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Great advice! I will try going to a neutral space until she is ready and see what happens.


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