# Please help me. OW pregnant



## Flametree

Two weeks ago I found out that my husband, a man I have loved and cherished for 21 years has been having an affair with a work colleague for at least 6 months. We have 2 teenage children at home. He told me the affair is over however the woman has contacted him to tell him she is pregnant and showed him a letter from her Dr. The pain and devastation I feel is indescribable. If you have been in this situation please help me. I am free falling. Thank you so much


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## Casual Observer

Flametree said:


> Two weeks ago I found out that my husband, a man I have loved and cherished for 21 years has been having an affair with a work colleague for at least 6 months. We have 2 teenage children at home. He told me the affair is over however the woman has contacted him to tell him she is pregnant and showed him a letter from her Dr. The pain and devastation I feel is indescribable. If you have been in this situation please help me. I am free falling. Thank you so much


So he didn’t tell you about it until she turned up pregnant? Why do you believe the affair is actually over? Are you aware there are non-invasive (safe) blood tests that can determine paternity? I would suggest telling your husband you’re not going to engage in further conversation until such testing is done because there are too many variables right now. Your life changes no matter what, but a willingness to reconcile generally requires no contact between the wayward spouse and AP but that’s not possible if there’s a child involved.


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## Flametree

He told me about the affair and that it was over. We were attempting to reconcile and then she told him she is pregnant. The timing seems very convenient to me and I have wondered if she is using it as a means to make him leave me and his family but the Drs letter makes me believe it is true. I am so devastated and hurt I can’t think straight. My husband wants to stay together but if there is a baby there is just no way I can live with that.


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## Mr.Married

You should dump him on principle alone.


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## Flametree

I know but I’m in shock. I don’t want to make any big decisions right now. Please if anyone has been through this , how did you cope? How did you survive?


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## Tested_by_stress

Mr.Married said:


> You should dump him on principle alone.


This ^^^! You deserve better than this. If the child is his, you're never going to be free of the affair partner. Your own kids are almost grown. Don't let him con you in to helping raise the seed of his betrayal.


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## Luckylucky

I’m from Australia, the only thing I can think of that may help is the Barnaby Joyce situation. I’m really sorry you’re going through this. 

Did you catch him, or did he confess? Did he get into trouble at work? I know it’s a bit frowned upon, and I’ve not even come across an affair in the workplace in my entire working life, let alone a pregnancy. People here tend not to play in the office.


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## ConanHub

Flametree said:


> He told me about the affair and that it was over. We were attempting to reconcile and then she told him she is pregnant. The timing seems very convenient to me and I have wondered if she is using it as a means to make him leave me and his family but the Drs letter makes me believe it is true. I am so devastated and hurt I can’t think straight. My husband wants to stay together but if there is a baby there is just no way I can live with that.


Take some time and give yourself space to think and look at your options.

Maybe get a consultation with a lawyer to see how things might look for you going forward.

Your husband is a fool for not only cheating but not using birth control. He should still insist on a DNA test. His affair partner is a cheater after all.

I'm positive you know the implications if the baby is his and you need to consider the impact on not only you but your kids.

He betrayed you all and you could all use some counseling to work through your emotions for a healthy outcome. This can go very badly for your kids and I am honestly very concerned for their well-being just as much as yours.

I encourage you to look at healthy options for you and your kids. Your husband has victimized you all and your health should be the priority right now.

I'm very sorry for your situation but decisive actions towards protecting yourself and your children will prove better than crying and hand wringing. Nothing wrong with crying while you act BTW.

Do you have any family or friends that can be emotional support for you?


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## ConanHub

Luckylucky said:


> I’m from Australia, the only thing I can think of that may help is the Barnaby Joyce situation. I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
> 
> Did you catch him, or did he confess? Did he get into trouble at work? I know it’s a bit frowned upon, and I’ve not even come across an affair in the workplace in my entire working life, let alone a pregnancy. People here tend not to play in the office.


It sounds like he confessed and they were working on reconciliation when the OW informed him she was pregnant.


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## Blondilocks

Consult a lawyer to learn where you stand if the woman goes for child support. Often, the first in line gets a better deal. If you divorce after she has filed, you and your kids may get less than what you would have gotten if you had filed first. *Your* kids come first. Consider them as obviously your husband hasn't.


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## Luckylucky

Flametree said:


> Two weeks ago I found out that my husband, a man I have loved and cherished for 21 years has been having an affair with a work colleague for at least 6 months. We have 2 teenage children at home. He told me the affair is over however the woman has contacted him to tell him she is pregnant and showed him a letter from her Dr. The pain and devastation I feel is indescribable. If you have been in this situation please help me. I am free falling. Thank you so much


The letter from the GP, I haven’t also heard of that here? I don’t know if anyone that’s gotten a ‘letter’ confirming a pregnancy, I never did. Is this a new thing?


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## Livvie

How old are your children?

Just because this person is pregnant doesn’t mean your husband is the father so do a DNA test right away so you can make more informed decisions. 

How far along is the pregnancy?


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## oldshirt

DNA test. He probably wasn't the only dude she was banging but he may have the most money for child support.


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## Openminded

You can do a search here for other situations like yours. There have been several but IIRC the outcome is unknown because the posters usually posted a few times and then never came back. They didn’t get advice on working things out and that’s apparently what they were looking for. You are unlikely to get that type of advice either. Bringing a child into it is a deal-breaker for most.


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## Erudite

It doesn't matter if you divorce or not. You are, from now on, going to have to deal with this woman in some way because I am assuming your husband will want all his kids to have a relationship with one another. If you don't divorce him you will be helping to raise the child at least part time. If you do divorce him he will go to the other woman and she will be raising your kids at least part time. 

Have you spoken to this woman at all? Does she claim to be in love with him? I feel like the details of the affair are important here. Did he make you out to be the devil to get her in bed? Did she know he was married before she slept with him? Is she in love with him? I mean you already think the pregnancy is a ploy to keep him around. Just by virtue of being the other woman she can't be trusted, on the other hand, your husband could have been using and playing you both. 

Honestly, I think both you women ought to dump him


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## Evinrude58

Don’t have a lot to offer, just wanted to say that You are in the right place for some moral support. You really should see an attorney and find out your options. Cheating husbands rarely turn into loyal husbands. I’m sorry.


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## She'sStillGotIt

*


Flametree said:



Two weeks ago I found out that my husband, a man I have loved and cherished for 21 years has been having an affair with a work colleague for at least 6 months. We have 2 teenage children at home. He told me the affair is over however the woman has contacted him to tell him she is pregnant and showed him a letter from her Dr.

Click to expand...

*I know you're looking for input from those in this same situation, but I don't need to be in this situation to *tell* you to get to a divorce lawyer NOW and get your child support order INTO the courts before she does.

Cry LATER.

Protect yourself FINANCIALLY right now!!!!


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## Trident

ConanHub said:


> Take some time and give yourself space to think and look at your options.
> 
> Maybe get a consultation with a lawyer to see how things might look for you going forward.


^This. As stated by @ConanHub, there is no need to make any major decisions right now, you don't want to be making major decisions when you're in a state of shock. Take some time and consider your options and when you're ready step 2 would be to consult with an attorney and at least get an idea of how you will stand when it comes to finances in the event of a divorce.

If an affair is confessed to before it's discovered, that can sometimes be a positive sign as it indicates real remorse and accountability- as compared to a cheater saying basically "You caught me, I'm sorry, it won't happen again" which really means "I'm sorry I got caught I really don't give a rat's ass about you and your feelings and have no issue lying to you but I'm like a rat with his leg in a trap".

That much being said, the affair partner having your partner's child is problematic to say the least and will be a constant reminder of the pain and deception to some extent for the rest of your natural life. I think when your head finally clears you're going to come to the conclusion that it's a dealbreaker unless by some miracle the baby is proven to belong to someone else.

I'd also like to add that you were rather vague about the timeline but it seems entirely possible that your husband didn't admit the affair until he found out his mistress was pregnant. Which brings us back to the whole "Well she's going to find out sooner or later might as well get a headstart on this one and try to minimize the damage since my leg is already in the trap". In which case you're got a remorseless cheater with a pregnant mistress. Nothing left to save here no matter how much time you take to think about it.


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## Mr.Married

Your new baby momma and the oven bun will be consuming your resources.... ain’t that just dandy!!!!


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## Diana7

A nice lady I know who I used to do a lot of baby sitting for had this happen to her. He had an affair with a lady at his work who got pregnant. I can't remember all the details but he went to live with her but that didn't last and he was left single and paying child support for three children. Stupid man. 

What do you know about this person? Is she single? How long was the affair? Why did it end? Who ended it? What is he going to do about the child? 
At the least he will have to pay child maintenance. Are you prepared to accept that?

Must admit that I can't see why she would lie at this point, so it's likely true. Like you I couldn't deal with 18 years of him having regular contact and visits with the OW. Of having to have the child of the affair in my house in a regular basis, albeit the child is innocent.


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## Trident

Diana7 said:


> Like you I couldn't deal with 18 years of him having regular contact and visits with the OW. Of having to have the child of the affair in my house in a regular basis


That's what I was saying earlier. It's like constantly ripping the scab off of a healing wound.


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## Evinrude58

See an attorney. A damn good one.


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## Trident

Something to be aware of is that although most states are "no fault" divorce, some states will consider fault if it can be proven, and if so, they will award a greater percentage of the marital assets to the betrayed spouse. In this case you'd have no trouble proving that.


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## Spoons027

Flametree said:


> I know but I’m in shock. I don’t want to make any big decisions right now. Please if anyone has been through this , how did you cope? How did you survive?


Alright then. No big decisions. But it's going to take time. Focus on eating, drinking, breathing, and research. Don't even consider reconciliation or divorce. Eat foods that provide energy, stay hydrated, and keep busy. Find an individual therapist specialized in infidelity. No marriage counseling right now. Research what a divorce would look like for you when you're in a more emotionally stable state. Since your husband's probably gonna be a dad to someone else's kid, you'll also have to find out what that means for your children.

I do emphasize that you start financially protecting yourself and your kids. Lots of self-care for now.


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## Diana7

Luckylucky said:


> The letter from the GP, I haven’t also heard of that here? I don’t know if anyone that’s gotten a ‘letter’ confirming a pregnancy, I never did. Is this a new thing?


It could be she asked the GP to do a letter as proof.


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## Diana7

When the initial awful shock has begun to die down you should see a lawyer to talk about your options.
Meanwhile you and he must talk about what his intentions are. Firstly she will need to get a DNA test done to see if he is actually the dad. If he is then of course he will need to pay maintenance for the next 18 years or so. He needs to decide if he will have regular contact with his child and be a father to him/her. Obviously it will be easier for you if he has no contact but in the end he is this babies father. 

If you decide you want to stay then the very least he must do it look for another job. 

It's a horrible situation with many innocents who will suffer. You, your children and of course the baby. 

A lot also depends on why the affair ended. If he ended it and she is still after him that will make things far more messy. If she ended it and has no desire to get back with him, it's slightly easier.

Presumably she isn't married or in a relationship? If age us then please let her partner know. 

Give yourself time to think. Talk to family and close friends.


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## Mr.Married

Trident said:


> Something to be aware of is that although most states are "no fault" divorce, some states will consider fault if it can be proven, and if so, they will award a greater percentage of the marital assets to the betrayed spouse. In this case you'd have no trouble proving that.


Nice...... that’s a good one !!


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## Divinely Favored

Dont kniw abiut your state, but in Tx if she files for child support before you do, she will get a bigger piece of his check that your kids will. You should see about filing before she does so your kids are primary and not secondary in CS allocation.


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## Erudite

Diana7 said:


> When the initial awful shock has begun to die down you should see a lawyer to talk about your options.
> Meanwhile you and he must talk about what his intentions are. Firstly she will need to get a DNA test done to see if he is actually the dad. If he is then of course he will need to pay maintenance for the next 18 years or so. He needs to decide if he will have regular contact with his child and be a father to him/her. Obviously it will be easier for you if he has no contact but in the end he is this babies father.
> 
> If you decide you want to stay then the very least he must do it look for another job.
> 
> It's a horrible situation with many innocents who will suffer. You, your children and of course the baby.
> 
> A lot also depends on why the affair ended. If he ended it and she is still after him that will make things far more messy. If she ended it and has no desire to get back with him, it's slightly easier.
> 
> Presumably she isn't married or in a relationship? If age us then please let her partner know.
> 
> Give yourself time to think. Talk to family and close friends.


Don't most companies prohibit workplace romance since the legal ramifications can really hurt a company? In my business when these work romances happen at the bare minimum one partner is at least transferred to a diffetent department if not a whole other branch.


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