# Should I decrease my desire



## Jim1971 (Jan 5, 2015)

I am 49yo and my wife is 58. Our sex drives do not match and it is extremely frustrating. She only engages to appease me. I was prescribed lexapro last summer to help me last longer in bed. That worked well but my wife went through menopause 10 years ago and sex is painful for her. I only took the lexapro for a month and gave up on it because of the painful sex. I did some research on the drug and it says after continued use, sexual desire will diminish substantially. Should I basically continue using the drug and essentially throw in the towel so to speak? We have occasional discussions about our sex and she will simply say she is a lost cause. Thanks in advance for any information.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I won't tell you that decreasing your desire is necessarily the right approach, but you definitely need to stay based in reality with your expectations. If things do not change between you and your spouse, and it's a long shot that they will based on the completely unrepresentative sample we have here, then what will you do? Can you live like this for the 20+ years of active sex life you might otherwise enjoy? Are you OK taking care of yourself, or should you pursue a new partner? 

Questions only you can answer. Is there nothing other than PIV that you two can engage in?


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, sex is only a lost cause if your wife is unwilling to explore pharmaceutical options, and is happy without much sex. My wife is the same age, and has a prescription cream with progesterone and testosterone that works wonders for libido. We both love sex, so are doing everything we reasonably can to ensure our great sex life continues for as long as possible. However, pain during intercourse may be a more challenging problem to solve - but is worth discussing with the appropriate specialist.

Aside from the above, you can find a way to live with it, or leave. An open relationship is another option, but difficult for most to make work.


----------



## Jim1971 (Jan 5, 2015)

Cletus said:


> I won't tell you that decreasing your desire is necessarily the right approach, but you definitely need to stay based in reality with your expectations. If things do not change between you and your spouse, and it's a long shot that they will based on the completely unrepresentative sample we have here, then what will you do? Can you live like this for the 20+ years of active sex life you might otherwise enjoy? Are you OK taking care of yourself, or should you pursue a new partner?
> 
> Questions only you can answer. Is there nothing other than PIV that you two can engage in?


Our go to is a little foreplay, kissing then we masturbate ourselves to climax. She is totally happy with that, she realily doesn’t like variety and she is not into sex toys .


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Jim1971 said:


> Our go to is a little foreplay, kissing then we masturbate ourselves to climax. She is totally happy with that, she realily doesn’t like variety and she is not into sex toys .


Many people view sex exclusively as penetration, but there are a lot more possibilities. 

Might I suggest that the next time you are at the grocery store that you get some organic coconut oil.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I tried your approach the last year of my marriage using lexapro also. It took me a while to realize that suppressing my natural, normal urges was not the right way to proceed for me. I’d still be unhappy and I was. Why not just get castrated to let her off the hook for her responsibilities as a wife? Suppression drugs is not a long term solution. Giving up your manhood and desires isn’t either. She either gets on board or gets out of the marriage.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Jim1971 said:


> I am 49yo and my wife is 58. Our sex drives do not match and it is extremely frustrating. She only engages to appease me. I was prescribed lexapro last summer to help me last longer in bed. That worked well but my wife went through menopause 10 years ago and sex is painful for her. I only took the lexapro for a month and gave up on it because of the painful sex. I did some research on the drug and it says after continued use, sexual desire will diminish substantially. Should I basically continue using the drug and essentially throw in the towel so to speak? We have occasional discussions about our sex and she will simply say she is a lost cause. Thanks in advance for any information.


She needs to try HRT or researce Foria supositories. Many women who have painful conditions during intercorse sing it praises.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I've seriously been considering finding ways to lower my drive. Not feeling wanted is destroying me. I certainly don't want to risk initiating in a moment of weakness, because I don't think I can stand being rejected one more time. 

I finally decided that I am not going to alter myself like that, so I wouldn't recommend it to anyone else either.

I'm sorry you're going through this, but I hope you guys can work something out.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

My wife is the same and she's given up on sex... I did contemplate returning to anti-depressants but I enjoy my little "one-to-ones" a lot, so I won't. Needless to say, being married and not to be able to have sex with your wife is a major torture, which I find unbearable. I will be separating, but not because of wanting sex with other women, but because of the pain of not being able to have a sexual relationship with my wife, which I desire very much, even if *her* "lack of desire" could be fixed. Good luck!


----------

