# The age old question - is it depression or relationship making him depressed?



## Tinyjane (Jun 17, 2021)

Hi, 

This forum has helped me immensely over the past few weeks so thank you all! 

I have tried to keep this brief and succinct but really after any advice, has anyone been in a similar situation as I am at a loss at to what to do next. 

Background:
With my husband for 6.5 years, married for 3. No children together but stepson [14]. 1 fur baby. 
Husband has suffered from anxiety & depression [pre dates us]. Has been on regular medication during our relationship, but has had 'incidents' although few and far between [3 in 6.5 years with only 1 being bad]. Usually stemmed by work. This is the first he has attributed to issues with us. 
We have a great relationship but have at times brought the worst out in each other - this was largely in the beginning. 
We were great during initial lockdown, he started new job about 1 year ago and it was going really well. 

Earlier this year [Feb] he was under pressure at work and I could see the early signs [lack of appetite, unable to sleep, anxious and on edge]. He did open up and said it felt like burn out and contacted the docs about increasing medication - this started late March. During that time he was affectionate and said that he wanted to be home when on business trips. Fast forward to April and he said he was concerned about the relationship and didnt feel we were 'right'. 

We have had issues in the past but fundamentally we were [and are] great. I suggested we speak to someone and he agreed but this never happened as he refused to attend the first session. I got myself my own therapist and have been working through my own things. 

Since then I have been told we dont make him happy and that he doesnt want to try. There isnt another person involved. It has taken me weeks to get even any information out of him but it appears words said in arguments years ago are being replayed and he cannot move past it - its this that has taken his feelings away. I have listened, apologized and asked him to consider trying. He continued to sleep in the same bed, he sometimes says he loves me and would hold me, other times nothing. There has been no further intimacy other than the odd hug. 
I went to my parents for a few days but recently asked if he would leave the home so I could have space, I also thought this might make him see the reality of his decision. 

He agreed however no less than 24hours later he was back home [albeit in another room]. He said he feels anxious and low from the stress of all of this. It is incredibly upsetting because I know he does struggle with his mental health but I feel I have done everything I can. I dont want to walk away from our marriage but am at a loss as to what to do. I think work was the trigger but as those things subsided he looked for something to attach his feelings of unhappiness too, unfortunately that was us. I desperately want my husband back and I know it isnt a case of reasoning and using logic - he feels what he feels. I am just confused as to what to do next. We cant currently afford two properties and I dont want to be the one to leave [my family are closer but thats not the point]. I dont know how to act in my own home...any advice would be hugely appreciated.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

My approach to this would be similar to when a partner has an addiction. If they're willing to acknowledge it and actively seek help, then you have a basis for hope. If they're not acknowledging it and not getting any help, then you can't push them into that, because then they will just decide the problem is you.


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## Tinyjane (Jun 17, 2021)

Thank you for your response. I agree he is aware of his mental health but on this occasion he is blaming the 'episode' for want of a better word on our marriage. I have spoken at length to him and tried to talk about it with him but I guess if he wants to end a perfectly happy marriage, he will be running from these things for a long time. Heartbreaking as I would never give up on him but he has given up on us.


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## Tinyjane (Jun 17, 2021)

I have moved this post to the relevant forum (physical / mental health) so not to keep it in the new members area. Thank you for looking though


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

duplicate thread closed.


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