# Delayed ejaculation



## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

I am in my mid fifties and have struggled for decades with delayed ejaculation problems. It started during our wedding night 30 years ago and has gotten somewhat better then worse; a single 'failure' signals the beginning of extended periods where fear of failure takes the fun right out of it. Doctors usually are surprised because I have excellent strong and long lasting erections. No physical illness/injury/non-smoker/non-drinker.

My father had this problem also, I have learned.

We have tried endless counselling and this has effectively addressed the relationship harm resulting from my condition, so that we continue to be together and dedicated to each other. Neither one of us has real sexual experience outside our marriage.

When i was 16 I had a girlfriend who was sexually very active and she tried giving me oral sex on many occasions including the apartment elevator. It never worked, but I also didn't find her very sexy. She was not my type and I think I held myself back.

My wife is very sexy and very playful, attractive and sporty. She virtually always feels like having sex. 

I have been thinking of looking for a sex surrogate, to teach me and coach me while having real sex. This would be a violation of our principles.

Oral sex works to some degree. She starts the normal way, then, after a while I take over by masturbating while she performs oral sex. This often works but I regularly need to spice it up by telling some sexual fantasy while we are doing this.

My wife is sometimes very tired of the stupid fantasies and the fact that even when we are 'hot' I still need all of that to get to an orgasm. Simply put: it is a LOT of work!

Is there anyone out there who has similar problems, and , if so, have you had any success with therapy or medication or?

I have tried Cialis as it apparently increases sensitivity (as well as erection) but even with a partial pill the erection is so rock hard that I can't feel much anymore.

I am partly circumcized (in case this makes a difference; I am not sure).

Anyone out there, male or female who has (had) this problem or who has a partner who has this problem?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So I'll be open here... I'm 44, recently separated, and I've been seeing my GF for about 8 months now. In my marriage, when we had sex, things happened in what I would consider a "normal" time frame. Sometimes even quicker than I'd like. Oral wasn't really on the menu back then, so I can't really compare.

With my GF, I would consider myself to be "delayed". A quickie for us is an hour. She's very receptive to performing oral, even asking for it, but it's very rare for me to finish that way. I've tried cialis, but all that means is an erection... Not an orgasm. Which still makes for a great time; it doesn't bother me much if I don't have an orgasm occasionally. And she hasn't complained about the amount of "work" it takes for us to get me there, as I do most of it anyway. 

I'll also add that my GF is much more sexual, more beautiful, and "feels better" than my ex. No offense intended, but there's just no comparison.

One thing I have found that makes a huge difference to me is prostrate stimulation. Not meaning to get too graphic, but as an example... This morning, we had wild monkey sex in a hotel. Incredible, everyone had a great time. Took me awhile, but that was normal. We did some other stuff for awhile, and ended up going again. 2 a day for me is rare, but I'm always up for giving her one anytime, any place. Eventually though, it became pretty obvious that it wasn't going to happen a secind time for me, at least not without some assistance. So I grabbed the toy we purchased for this purpose, and within about 10 minutes, the desired result was achieved. Which would be super-fast for me anyway, much less for a second time.

Anyway, something to consider, and I'm looking forward to more input from the group.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I'm not sure if you call my deal delayed ejaculation or not, but it does take me a long time to finish. We men have been told time and time again that a woman wants a lover that will last. And I guess when we're young, that may be true to some extent.
So for the past 28 years, I taught myself how to last as long as possible.
A few years ago when my wife and I had a bunch of marital problems, this came to light. To put it simply, she told me that I was killing her. I am big and I can go for too long. She would get so sore that she couldn't make love to me sometimes for two days. It shocked me a little.
Now, I try to get myself worked up beforehand by fantasy and sometimes I'll look at some porn right before.
After she is done, I turn on the fantasies in my head. She knows that I fantasize and I have told her that I only fantasize about her, which is true. She doesn't ask what my fantasies are and I don't offer. If she wanted to know, I'd tell her, though.
All I can offer is to try and get yourself worked up early and hope for the best.


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

I have tried this and sometimes it does work to a degree. The trouble with porn though is that it easily takes on a life of its own; one has to be careful with it.

I have lots of digital photos of my wife; nude and/or sensual or sexy and viewing those before having sex does help, again to a degree.

What I can't understand is that something that feels so good and that is done with the woman I love comes to a plateau beyond which I can't go without lots of manual stimulation. I love my wife; she is happy, playful and creative and virtually always enthusiastic about making love.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

In my 60's now and recently started having delay issues. It seems my refractory (or regeneration) time is now 2 or 3 days. I just reach a plateau and know I won't make climax.
very frustrating. i'm going to try p-spot stimulation to see if that helps. at least while I still have a prostate. That will be removed due to cancer shortly.
Curiously, the urologist says cancer is not a cause of delay.... but age is.
Now after prostate removal,I'll have to figure out what the mythical 'dry orgasm'. If it were possible, I would think I could do it now...
Porn surfing sometimes helps to get the juices flowing...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

Code7600, are you aware of the benefits of hyperthermia cancer treatment? It is worth reading about.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

Code 7600: Not meaning to be off-subject here, but does your screen name come from the airplane transponder code for "no communications?"


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## rorinrory (Oct 7, 2011)

my hubby has a similar issues sometimes, he has siezures so i'm not sure if it's from that or his medications. haven't figured out how to fix it yet, since it's not an issue it's not much of a big deal for us, but it does sometimes mean he just doesn't get to finish- 2 hrs and still going is a bit much for me lol!


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

2 hours and stil going...? You are married to Superman! When this happens, have you tried an oral/masturbation combo? It gives the man a sense of control (which we need when we can't finish) and he can watch the woman and feel her at the same time. This always works for us when everything else fails.


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

Yes and I realize that this is a factor. I am cut back a bit and the top one third of the head sticks out. There is no doubt in my mind that I would have more sensitivity if the entire foreskin would still be attached.


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## HazelEyedGirl (Nov 4, 2011)

My husband is going through the exact same thing. After reading this thread, I do believe it's a combination of his age(53) and being circumcised. PLUS medications. We have not had sex for over 3 months. And i believe it's due to this problem. I think he feels as though he's lost his 'manliness'. When we did have sex, he'd get so frustrated with himself, he'd give up. I wish he was more open to the prostate technique, but whenever it is mentioned, he gets a very scowl look and says 'no way'. I think he's afraid it's gonna feel like a prostate exam, and won't even attempt it. This is frustrating for me, because I desperately want to have sex with him, but I'm afraid he will feel even more 'less of a husband' if he can't perform like he thinks his younger wife(37) deserves. So, now, I feel like I might pressure him if I initiate it, and when he doesn't initiate it, I feel like he has just given up. :'(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

hurtnohio said:


> Code 7600: Not meaning to be off-subject here, but does your screen name come from the airplane transponder code for "no communications?"


Yes, you get the prize. I figured some pilot would get it.
My sig (once I have enough entries) will be 

~~~~~~
"What we have here is a failure to communicate." The Captain

I usually try to type it manually. The quote summarizes my 
root cause of relationship issues.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Inhibited Ejaculation can be caused by a less than optimal level of sexual desire. Often there is enough desire for an erection but not for ejaculation. The penis may feel "numb" during intercourse. The reasons for the desire deficit can be anything from intimacy or performance anxiety to low self esteem, to a lack of sexual attraction to the partner.

In the last few years Sex Therapists have been noticing another cause of the inability to ejaculate with a partner and that is something called "masturbation and porn conditioning" This is being seen in younger and younger men. Men who have grown up masturbating to hard core porn on the internet sometimes for years before they actually have sex with a real live partner. When they do find a sexual partner the experience of intercourse and oral sex is so different from what they are used to reaching orgasm by their own hand watching a favorite porn fantasy, that they get anxious, the penis feels numb and they can't cum with the partner. Sometimes the anxiety can be so bad it causes them to lose their erection too, often right in the middle of intercourse.

All these men can easily reach orgasm when masturbating alone.


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## DoRight (Dec 10, 2011)

Delayed Ejaculation and failure to achieve ejaculation (numb penis) is often a side affect of some antidepressants. Elevil, Paxil. Prozak, Lexapro, Cymbalta. Drug co's do not publicize this very much.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

DoRight said:


> Delayed Ejaculation and failure to achieve ejaculation (numb penis) is often a side affect of some antidepressants. Elevil, Paxil. Prozak, Lexapro, Cymbalta. Drug co's do not publicize this very much.


Yes absolutely correct. The SSRI antidepressants do cause inhibited ejaculation in men and inhibited orgasm in women. As a matter of fact SSRI's (in low doses) are given to men (off label) with premature ejaculation to lengthen the time between insertion and ejaculation. For everyone else (ie: the depressed) this side effect can be a deal breaker because some men would rather remain depressed or anxious and at least be able to masturbate alone rather than having their sex drive and ability to ejaculate completely negated by the drug.

In a final irony, as I mentioned in the other post, inhibited ejaculation is often caused by some types of anxiety and the suggested treatment for anxiety are the SSRI antidepressants. Men with anxiety induced inhibited ejaculation have no medication they can take because the recommended meds have the side effect of creating the exact problem the man is trying to fix by taking them.

I've suffered with this for 40 years, ever since I first started having sex as a teenager. The prognosis is grim as the anxiety that causes the problem is extremely hard to diagnose and treat, especially if it is part of a Generalized Anxiety Disorder or intimacy anxiety and Attachment Disorders caused by childhood trauma.

One small piece of good news for those who suffer with IE is that much more is known about what causes it now than even ten years ago when I started researching it. Back then they were saying it was caused by religious scruples and a subconscious hatred of women, neither of which applies to me or to the majority of men with this horrible sexual dysfunction.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

This is an older post. It is difficult to give advice on here. You write you have had counselling. But you also seem to say that your 'technique' is perhaps not correct. I fear this is the most likely cause. Fear of failure can really cause this. You have to let yourself go, and not think about it. Perhaps try it better in the dark. Your wife can help you a lot in this. She should tell you do whatever you like to me. It can be overcome.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

This is an interesting topic, and as a woman, not one I'd have ever thought significant to me...

My husband is 32 years old. Before we started dating he was single for three years, and the years prior to that had little sexual experience. He was also hooked on Tramadol in the years prior to our relationship.

Because of the Tramadol, he had required lots of hardcore porn (and time) to orgasm, even on his own. Combine the years of porn and drugs, (now he is supposedly without either), and he still has difficulties orgasming when we make love. He can remain erect, and often seems to be in his own world when we make love, so I not sure what the "problem" is now, (other than my growing insecurity and anxiety). He regularly takes over an hour - with oral, different positions, etc. He feels he has "achieved" this through years of meditation, but the fact of the matter is, he can be very quick when stimulating himself.

So, while I might not have any useful advice to offer up, I'm sharing this story with the hopes of gaining some insight on this topic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UnwantedWife (Dec 5, 2011)

When my husband and I first married, he was on some work out suppliments which both increased his libido and caused delayed ejaculation. Now, we only had to live with these side effects for a short term because 6 months after our wedding, he was injured and had to stop taking these work out suppliments. But for while he was on them, the effects were something we had to find ways of coping with.

For us, I found that there was abit of a mental block. The same with men who have ED- if you think about what you don't want to happen, then it will happen. If you don't think about it then you're more likely to relax and have things work they way you want them to.
Once we took the pressure off and went at it with a "if it happens, it happens, if not no big deal" mentality, he was able to finish more easily.

That said, we also had an agreement that we never had sex for the orgasm- we had it for the experiences leading up to the orgasm. Therefore, if the experience of sex was no longer enjoyable for us then we stopped, even if someone (him or I) hadn't orgasmed. There were a few times that we were tired and the enjoyable phase of the sex had ended so we stopped and went to sleep without him ejaculating. We'd just cuddle and fall asleep, and eventually his erection would go away on its own.
I often worried that my husband would be upset if he didn't "finish" but he assured me that he didn't view sex in that traditional way. Its an act to be preformed, not a finish line to sprint to, if that makes any sense.

There were many times that even when he did ejaculate, he would still remain erect for another hour or so. I always figured that would be very uncomfortable for him, but he said he was just used to it.

Luckily for us, once he got off the work out suppliments, the delayed ejaculation was no longer an issue. I imagine it would be much more frustrating for someone like you whose had a life-long battle with it.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

If you read my last post carefully I explain what is going on in both your cases. Most of the time the primary reason a man takes an SSRI antidepressant is to treat depression, anxiety, social phobia etc.

If he stops taking the meds this will not improve his sexual functioning very much because those primary reasons he took the med in the first place are still there and they too cause ED and Inhibited Ejaculation.

Other, non SSRI antidepressants like Wellbutrin and Remeron don't cause sexual side effects. And can sometimes be effective in treating anxiety or depression induced sexual dysfunctions.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

My husband wasn't being prescribed medication, he was buying them online and taking/abusing them far beyond what is directed for their use. That being said, there isn't a way to know what exactly he was "treating" all those years because he never received a formal diagnosis, or if that may be a primary reason for this particular issue...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OutdoorsRus (Oct 1, 2011)

Wow, there are some excellent responses in this thread. HazelEyedGirl, I would say that it becomes important for a man who can't finish to regain a sense of control. My wife and I do this oral/masturbation combo where she performs oral sex on me while I masturbate. We find that this is a good method to express our desire for each other. She usually includes some very minor anal stimulation, just a few fingers exploring a bit. In the meantime I can see her in the mirror bifold doors. 
Don't go months without sex; I am afraid this could ruin a marriage.

Regarding the masturbation and porn conditioning mentioned by someone else, this does not play a role in my case. For me, masturbation is every bit as difficult as two-person sex. 

As or the Anxiety Disorder, I think I probably have a touch of this. I also regularly use certain sleeping pills that have somewhat the same effects as mood alterning meds.


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