# if it were you....



## RPosie

If your spouse agreed to stop an addiction, then retracted on the cold turkey stop a few days into it, and said they would slowly cut down on the habit, would you trust them?

Then what if that slowly cutting down in actuality went up - hence having more intake and coming up with reasons and excuses as to why, despite your attempts (negotiations, pleas, leaving, expressing your emotional displeasure - wanting them to want to be healthy because we all know someone won't stop until they're truly ready) .

Would you continue to stand by and watch the deterioration in your marriage? With the spouse knowing it's something you are firmly against and admits to knowing this and being sorry for it - yet still does it?

:scratchhead:


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## Blanca

I would have to say no, but then i compromised a lot in my marriage. its really hard to say unless you are in the situation. emotions are so strong and as an outsider that is not emotionally attached its easy to say i would walk away. but i didnt walk away in marriage when my H lied and hid things from me. so who knows.


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## Freak On a Leash

Uh..No. Been there, done that. 

I don't know what addiction you are referring to but IMO they all pretty much stink. My husband promised to stop smoking and it never happened. With the alcohol he went to detox/rehab and a month later it was like it never happened. 

So to coin a phrase from Korn.."Trust no one".


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## Runs like Dog

Junkies All Lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MardiGrasMambo

The trick is going to be finding consequences that promote positive behaviors. Too lenient and he'll continue the addiction...too stringent and he'll continue cause he thinks he'll just fail...have you all tried working with a counselor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RPosie

MGM - Yes we're going to MC...


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## luvlost

RPosie said:


> If your spouse agreed to stop an addiction, then retracted on the cold turkey stop a few days into it, and said they would slowly cut down on the habit, would you trust them?
> 
> Then what if that slowly cutting down in actuality went up - hence having more intake and coming up with reasons and excuses as to why, despite your attempts (negotiations, pleas, leaving, expressing your emotional displeasure - wanting them to want to be healthy because we all know someone won't stop until they're truly ready) .
> 
> Would you continue to stand by and watch the deterioration in your marriage? With the spouse knowing it's something you are firmly against and admits to knowing this and being sorry for it - yet still does it?
> 
> :scratchhead:


First off what is he addicted to & how much does he take a day? In short the answer to what you are asking, "would you trust him to taper on his own?" the answer is actually NO.. BUT If you really love him & you want to stay with him then the best thing you can do is to learn as much as possible about the drug he is taking. I can only assume from reading your post he is addicted to some form a pain meds?? If this is the case he most deffinatly CANNOT do it alone!! Also, he should never do it cold turkey. He needs to do a slow taper & you will most likely need to help him with it. That is "IF" he really is ready. Please take a moment and go to Drugs.com | Prescription Drug Information, Interactions & Side Effects & read the forums about addiction. Look for posts by robert_325 Hell feel free to read my posts, sweet1.9907 You might find a lot more help there then you might here cuz you need people that know exactly what you and or your husband is going through. Look me up over there if you get a chance to go read any of it & keep in touch. I would love to help you through it or at least see you get through it. God bless


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## stupad

PRosie - I am the addicted spouse (alcohol). I've done the "I'm really cutting down, will eventually stop" routine. But it's just that, a routine. It only occurred to me 2 days ago, that I really can't control it. Now, I can seek some help. This morning I thought about all that my wife has been through these past months trying to fix me - which was/is impossible. Your husband has to see that he has a problem - and if after rehab things went back as if nothing happened - he does have a problem. You might be able to help him, if he wants your help - but it has to be his choice.

For me, my wife said that if I can't stop, I'll have to leave. I refused to let my marriage and family break up over a bottle (or 20 ) of liquor. Good luck. You both are in my thoughts.


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## CLucas976

The person has decide they want it.

That's really it. I dealt with addiction from stbxs entire family. His sister died because of it, and no amount of reason, logic, effort, consequence, nothing would ever get into his head that he was doing the same thing.

back then, would I go along with that? Absolutely.

Now, having been through that same routine multiple times, absolutely not.


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## that_girl

No. I could not stay.

I know many addicts (family members and old friends)...all whom I have cut ties with. Too much BS.


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## ItHappenedToMe

RPosie said:


> If your spouse agreed to stop an addiction, then retracted on the cold turkey stop a few days into it, and said they would slowly cut down on the habit, would you trust them?
> 
> Then what if that slowly cutting down in actuality went up - hence having more intake and coming up with reasons and excuses as to why, despite your attempts (negotiations, pleas, leaving, expressing your emotional displeasure - wanting them to want to be healthy because we all know someone won't stop until they're truly ready) .
> 
> Would you continue to stand by and watch the deterioration in your marriage? With the spouse knowing it's something you are firmly against and admits to knowing this and being sorry for it - yet still does it?
> 
> :scratchhead:


Been there many times the past year. Up and down. Back and forth. A) they have to want to do it and B) they need accountability, which is something many of them REALLY DO NOT want. That's why 12 step programs have sponsors (just a statement, not a recommendation)



MardiGrasMambo said:


> The trick is going to be finding consequences that promote positive behaviors. Too lenient and he'll continue the addiction...too stringent and he'll continue cause he thinks he'll just fail...have you all tried working with a counselor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Please Mardi, any suggestions?



stupad said:


> PRosie - I am the addicted spouse (alcohol). I've done the "I'm really cutting down, will eventually stop" routine. But it's just that, a routine. It only occurred to me 2 days ago, that I really can't control it. Now, I can seek some help. This morning I thought about all that my wife has been through these past months trying to fix me - which was/is impossible. Your husband has to see that he has a problem - and if after rehab things went back as if nothing happened - he does have a problem. You might be able to help him, if he wants your help - but it has to be his choice.
> 
> For me, my wife said that if I can't stop, I'll have to leave. I refused to let my marriage and family break up over a bottle (or 20 ) of liquor. Good luck. You both are in my thoughts.


For some, even this isn't enough. For my friend, reading med charts of chronic use is what did it. BUT...easily distracted and not participating in rehab as he should...no more reading med charts and on disability. 

Says he's ready, actions say he isn't.

Very painful for everyone.


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## stupad

MardiGrasMambo said:


> The trick is going to be finding consequences that promote positive behaviors. Too lenient and he'll continue the addiction...too stringent and he'll continue cause he thinks he'll just fail...have you all tried working with a counselor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I disagree that there is any 'trick' to *getting *someone to stop drinking/using/gambling, whatever. I often wished I was a lab rat that someone could "recondition" or "trick" me into stopping.

My wife was 'getting' me to stop drinking for years. In the end, I am a big person and can buy whatever liquor I wanted and drink till I drop.

It wasn't until I decided that I had to/wanted to/needed to stop drinking that it became something I could address. I cannot imagine how frustrating and painful it is for people around alcoholics to want to try and help and not be able to.

I think others have said here - you need to take care of yourself as a first step. And this might mean leaving him - maybe then he'll come to his senses, and if not, you at least can get on with your life.


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