# Wife texting other guy



## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Hello everyone...looking for someone to talk to,some advice I guess,Been married 25 yrs now(I am now 50 she is 53),
I used to work for a major retailer as a store manager(however had to give that up due to 3 back surgeries)>So now I stay home make sure house is clean,I cook,do all the housework make sure my wife is taken care of.However that's where it ends,she has been very grouchy,moody,smokes like a chimney and talks on the phone constantly,she is a director of nursing (so she claims its all business).Today however had a huge kick in the nuts,her phone rang I didn't recognize the name (so yea I looked at her phone)this person left a text.Well when I started to read the history it was like a kick in the groin.There has been back and forth for about 5 months now(he texts her. she calls him a lot of sweet talk).I confronted her immediately and got a its not what you think yea I was born at night not last night),Called the guy claims theyre just friends ,Hes married so I asked him if he would like me texting his wife and other profanities).
I feel so betrayed its not possible to put into words,oh by the way she works 6 days a week and barely says two words to me,yet has time to talk to this clown.
Here is my dilemma,I have zero savings not much family support,and have 5 dogs which are my world,and live in constant pain.
We are also in the middle of home renovations .my credit has gone to crap so we could fix hers and the house.
If I leave where can I go with 5 dogs and no credit(I also suffer from severe depression so They are my constant companions,no friends either,my brother will take me in but they have 2 dogs of their own..and I don't want to feel like a burden on anyone.
I will be filing bankruptcy next month so I pretty much have to stay put(I figure I can live on the second floor but its just so hard,I feel like my world has been shattered under my feet.
Sorry for rambling and not making much sense but I just need to put this out there,,,having to start life over at 50 with zero support is hard..thanks for listening:crying:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So sorry Robert, but maybe you need to start doing something about yourself. Sounds like you are not working, no finances of your own, suffer from depression, etc so what are bringing to the marriage? People often let themselves go and expect the spouse to be ok with it.
However, that is no excuse for what she is doing:

1. contact a lawyer, see your options
2. do the 180 on her
3. tell your friends and family and expose her
4. tell om wife what is happening, she needs to know
5. start working on yourself, therapy, gym, etc


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm sorry you're going through this, and I agree that what your wife is doing is inappropriate.

I have to also ask the question - what are you bringing to the marriage? How much fun are you to live with? Living with someone with depression will suck the life out of you...it's not easy, especially on top of working full time.

What are you doing to manage this? Are you on medication? In therapy? You are not responsible for your condition, but you are responsible for what you do about it.

I agree with the above poster - expose, expose, expose.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Here's some tough love advise.

More than likely there is going to be a dramatic change in your life, your wife is obviously unhappy being married to you and is seeking love outside of the marriage. It sounds like she has a great amount of resentment toward you, and that's a difficult thing to fix.

Regardless of if you stay married or not you are going to need to make changes to yourself and your life. Stop making excuses of why you can't and find ways you can. There is a job for nearly everyone regardless of disabilities, research what you can do and get the training necessary to work. Get yourself treated and fit mentally and physically. You wont like this one but you should probably thin down the dog pack, five dogs in a home is at least three too many (IMO). Have some frank conversations with your wife, find out what your role is in your deteriorating marriage, maybe there will be some things you recognize as being fixable. Ask her if she will go to some marriage counseling. 

It doesn't sound like you are proactively managing your life, you are living reactively and struggling at that. Work at fixing yourself and fixing the marriage, but also plan for the failure of your marriage and the need to be independent and self supporting.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

What do you know about this guy does he work with your wife? 
But also have to agree with the above statements as well.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Look at the reasons your wife is no longer attracted to you, and why she's seeking out love and affection from someone else, and then look at what you're doing about it.

You're depressed- face it no one wants to be around a person who is a perpetual downer, it's just well, depressing! What are you doing about the depression? Do you medicate, get counseling, exercise? Those are the big three known and proven fixes. 

You're in pain all the time which obviously doesn't help the mood and probably makes you grumpy and irritable. Do you again, exercise, stretch to the point where it hurts ( it has to, inorder to be effective), or at least take long fast walks to get the heart rate going?

Be honest, it's anonymous here. Why cant you work? I get it, you had back surgeries. So have I and so have about 20% of the population, many of which still work. You can cook and clean the house, you can do SOMETHING to earn an income. 

You're having home renovations done, probably by someone else at considerable cost. There's always things you can do yourself such as painting which would be good for you because it gets you moving. Have you attempted or considered doing any of those less skilled tasks?

Like another poster said, what are you bringing to the marriage that's positive? Wife is working to support both of you, and is probably thinking the same things I posted here. Stop with the victim mentality the "I can't do anything my life sucks" because it's just weak and unattractive and probably unnecessary, and it's only driving your wife into the arms of another man who most definitely has a more positive attitude and gets a weekly paycheck.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

In addition to all the self improvement suggestions you received, which is the most important thing you can do, you need to show your wife that you, in no uncertain terms, you won't stand for her abusing you. Make no mistake abou this, what she is doing is a form of abuse. 


Get all the information you can about their contacts and share it with the OMW. Make it so that talking to your wife isn't going to be worth the hassle you'll put him through
Expose her actions far and wide to friends, family and your children, if you have them, and especially if they are over 16
Monitor cell phone usage and call her out on her contacting the POSOM
Put a VAR in the car so you can find out if she is contacting him by other means
Pay some surprise visits at work
In general, make it very uncomfortable for both of them to maintain the relationship. This is not to show you want your wife more than he does, it's to show you can't be f**ked with.

Whatever you do, don't sit back and take it. And remember, if she leaves you, she is the one who is going to pay alimony.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> In addition to all the self improvement suggestions you received, which is the most important thing you can do, you need to show your wife that you, in no uncertain terms, you won't stand for her abusing you. Make no mistake abou this, what she is doing is a form of abuse.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


*
*

OP,

Lets start with the bull **** she is giving you about "just friends". With what you have described, do not bet on that. You need to take the suggestions above seriously and START with the VAR in her car. That will get you an answer in less then a week. if she is texting with this OM, you can bet she is talking to him on phone when she knows you are not around. The problem with the other things is that since you already have confronted her she is probably more careful. But you MUST understand that no matter what you hear on the VAR you do not reveal your source.

Get to an attorney. You cannot proceed on anything without understanding what your rights are, and believe me with you not working and th medical issues, she would not be walking away with anything resembling her current situation. 

Do NOT make any more contact with the OM. He could give a **** less about you, and by now your wife an d him have a story co ordinated. If you can get copies of anything in writing you then need to get them to his wife WITHOUT letting them know it is happening. there are ways to do that but you do not tell you wife or threaten her that you are going to do it again.

I understand your financial situation is not good. But that does not mean you have to let her cake eat and sit there while she cheats on you.

Taker the first steps, VAR and an attorney.


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Thanks but I do go to therapy bring $3,000 in a month and I try very hard to make sure she is happy.For the longest time I've felt like a loser but when I step back and compare myself to the way other guys are with their wives I think I'm not bad.
Case in point the guy shes texting is married with kids,I have never gone behind her back on anything
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Make the best person of yourself you possibly can. You can work out, you can get a job and you can live without 5 dogs. Make the changes for yourself, not a woman who's prepared to mess around with a married man.

Skip the VAR, she's done enough. Start your life again, but better.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Robert2107 said:


> Case in point the guy shes texting is married with kids,


That means the other guy is not happy with his marriage. He has unfilled needs, just like your wife. That makes it WORSE for you. They bond and understand each other.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Robert2107 said:


> Thanks but I do go to therapy bring $3,000 in a month and I try very hard to make sure she is happy.For the longest time I've felt like a loser but when I step back and compare myself to the way other guys are with their wives I think I'm not bad.
> Case in point the guy shes texting is married with kids,I have never gone behind her back on anything
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @Robert2107

If you want some good advice you need to share more of what the facts are. Can you answer these questions?

Where you able to check phone records and determine how often she calling/texting this guy.
What was her reaction when you confronted her? I don't mean the "you’re crazy we're just friends" sh*t. Was she angry with you? Defensive? Defiant? Apologetic?
Do you know if she is still in touch with the POSOM.
Give us the some indication of what was in the texts you saw. 
Is she open with you now regarding her phone, and emails so you can check?
What further evidence can you gather?
Who is the POSOM? Coworker? Boss? Not work related?
Does she know you contacted the POSOM? If so, what was her reaction to it?
What do you think the reaction will be when you contact the POSOM's wife? (and you should do that ASAP)
What is your relationship like with her now?
How do you think she will take you drawing a line in the sand on her "friendship" with another man?


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

You have a $3000 a month? OP, I thought you had nothing. Surely you can make it work with that. No child support to pay. You are a lot better off than some divorcé I have read about on TAM.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Robert2107 sorry you had to seek us out, but glad you found us.

His wife needs to know what is going on. Now.

Then we will see what the POS Lover Boy is made of.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You have $3,000 a month? You can certainly support yourself on $3,000 a month. If you cannot buy another house, you can rent. Find a pet friendly landlord. You may have to leave a few of the dogs with your wife, but that's better than living with a woman who is cheating on you with someone else's husband.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Is your monthly disability income contingent upon you NOT working?

Not working is a HUGE hit to your ability to be attractive to your wife.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> His wife needs to know what is going on. Now.
> 
> Then we will see what the POS Lover Boy is made of.


Careful Matt. It is probable that OP's wife and POS Lover Boy are mirror images. If he is POSOM, she is POSOW to his wife.

This is a very common story. IMO POSOM is not the problem, but a symptom of the problem.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She's the director of nursing, but smokes like a chimney? lol I will be the one who goes against the grain in this thread. She doesn't sound like much of a catch to me. She's cheating on you, a chronic smoker, a liar, etc...sure, you can make improvements but do them for yourself, not to hang on to this toxic place that you're in. It sounds like you're codependent, because of your health condition, and are fearful of not having financial support. Don't let that keep you from leaving a bad situation. If she wasn't there to pay the bills, you'd have to find a way. Find that way, grow stronger mentally, and don't rely on your wife for anything. 

And I'd leave her. Five months is a long time to be lying to you. So, you are not fulfilling her needs, or you have been disabled and can't work, so this is why she is cheating on you? If you start buying into this logic, you will always be jumping through hoops for her or other women, so they never cheat on you. Cheating is a character flaw, and cheaters always blame their partners. In some way. She's not 20 years old, she could have come to you and told you that she's not happy. Don't feel like this is your fault. Maybe your wife lost her attraction to you, but she doesn't sound attractive at all, to be honest. lol I'm not an advocate for divorce unless there's abuse and cheating. In this case, she's been doing this for 5 months. That's not an ''oops mistake.'' Hope you find peace in this, and most of all, don't let someone make you feel bad for their poor choices.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Robert2107 said:


> Hello everyone...looking for someone to talk to,some advice I guess,Been married 25 yrs now(I am now 50 she is 53),
> I used to work for a major retailer as a store manager(however had to give that up due to 3 back surgeries)>So now I stay home make sure house is clean,I cook,do all the housework make sure my wife is taken care of.However that's where it ends,she has been very grouchy,moody,smokes like a chimney and talks on the phone constantly,she is a director of nursing (so she claims its all business).Today however had a huge kick in the nuts,her phone rang I didn't recognize the name (so yea I looked at her phone)this person left a text.Well when I started to read the history it was like a kick in the groin.There has been back and forth for about 5 months now(he texts her. she calls him a lot of sweet talk).I confronted her immediately and got a its not what you think yea I was born at night not last night),Called the guy claims theyre just friends ,Hes married so I asked him if he would like me texting his wife and other profanities).
> I feel so betrayed its not possible to put into words,oh by the way she works 6 days a week and barely says two words to me,yet has time to talk to this clown.
> Here is my dilemma,I have zero savings not much family support,and have 5 dogs which are my world,and live in constant pain.
> ...


*If Florida is a community property state, which I believe that it is, you may have an available remedy for her to end up paying you spousal support!

Get to a lawyer and air your situation as soon as you possibly can!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *If Florida is a community property state, which I believe that it is, you may have an available remedy for her to end up paying you spousal support!
> 
> Get to a lawyer and air your situation as soon as you possibly can!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even better, the feminists have fought off every attempt to do away with permanent alimony in Florida for years. With his disability after a long term marriage she would be paying him for life. And until we get more women paying it we've got little chance of getting rid of it.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

I'll make this VERY simple.

Get her phone - use a Text Recovery program to make sure you have all of the texts on the phone. They will also put the texts into a Word doc or something that you can have on your computer.

ALSO take screenshots of everything.

ALSO get the phone bill and copy the amount of texts to a certain number (assuming they're there, if they are iMessage they may not).

Then you put this all into an envelope and go see his wife.

WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT LET YOUR WIFE KNOW THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS.

You have no other choice. If you want to end their affair then this is your first and only option of "next steps". Do not hesistate, do this in the next 24 hours or you will find excuses not to do it. We will be your accountibility friends here, we WILL bug you about this, but that is because we care about the outcome.

THE FIRST STEP THAT YOU MUST TAKE IS TO GET YOURSELF OUT OF INFIDELITY.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You mentioned filing for bankruptcy soon... If you are married, they are going to require you to file a chapter 13 instead of a 7, where you have to make payments on the debt. Unless there is some kind of rule that allows a 7 due to disability? If you are separated, you should be able to file a 7, that is what happened when I did it many years back. Just giving a heads up in case you weren't aware. 

Sorry to say but 5 dogs is not going to work for you finding a new place to live. Are you going to let dogs dictate how you live your life?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You care about your dogs more than her it sounds. Not surprised she is looking outside your marriage for companionship and maybe even intimacy. 

Are you two having sex? How often? Please don't tell me it's been 10 years.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I left the boxing gloves and the 2x4's in the back of my F150.

I agree with everything that everyone has posted.

First off........back pain. Anyone who has had this ailment will know that it is the most debiliating thing, second only to a Class 4, Super Storm Migraine, or Migraine like headache.

It is second to the headache, because with back pain you can get temporary relief by lying down in "some" position, usually the fetal position.

Having been in two helicopter crashes and being a life long long distance runner, I know about back pain.

I have had two back surgeries, a lumbar laminectomy on a bulging disk that was impinging on a nerve, and lastly disk fusion [insertion of a borrowed bone into the L3-L4 juncture.

I bounced back from both of these procedures [done in my 20's, then in my 40's]. I was in agony, too. My choices were: live with the pain and disability or fix the damn back.

I got right into the faces of a few surgeons and demanded that they fix me. Most were afraid of secondary conditions and all are scared crapless of lawsuits. I found one who was brave enough to repair my back.

That was 30 years ago. I was returned to 90% of my former self. Pain is gone, stiffness and flexibility are forever. I can easily live with this.

Do not be a quitter.

You need to get physical therapy and get pain meds that will allow you to moderately exercise and MOST IMPORTUNATELY.....get a job. 

You need to get a job with good health insurance. Do the job for 6 months and consult with every known and best Orthopedic Surgeons.

What they offer today is MUCH better than what was available to me 30-40 years ago.

Recovery time is much reduced. You have a GREAT chance of being fixed up better than you are feeling.

Get moving. Your marriage may be toast. But your bread can rise again. Sip the Yeast...grow a new spine. You CAN do this!


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

A majority of nurses are unhealthy. Overweight, smoke, drink, etc. Long hours, stressful jobs. Add an unhappy marriage, they let themselves go just like any other person who is miserable.


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Ok some more background on me I am on antidepressants plus about 10 more meds have nerve damage in arm and leg.hbp,severe apnea,among others.For the most part I try not to let this get in the way.I am a good husband ,with all the time I have its easy to be communicating with someone else,but thats not what im into.As far as the dogs go they make my life a lot easier getting rid of them is not an option.As far as sex goes my desire is always there(of all the things wrong with my body thats not one of them).I have always been a good husband she doesnt need anything(apparently just another man).So for those of you putting the blame on me you are wrong.I still try ,Im in therapy,take my meds,watch what I look like,and always put her needs first(25 yrs of that)maybe thats the problem maybe she needs me to treat her like crap .


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Oh another thing she is the one thats let herself go she is about 60lbs overweight,smokes like a chimney ,is mean to everyone.And the dude (ive seen his pic looks like hes about 350 lbs and has a head like a horse so hes not a winner)


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It sounds like you hit the jackpot to me. File for divorce and get alimony. Why are you so nice to her if she's a mean, overweight b*tch? 

Funny, my Ex Wife is a nurse. She let herself go and was a total b*tch to me and everyone else. I got fed up and left her.

Jeebus, move on and find someone better!


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Thank you Deirdre and notmyrealname,it seems like everyone else has attacked me and I havent done anything wrong(apart from being ill).I do appreciate your responses and support.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

straightshooter said:


> [/B]
> 
> *OP,
> 
> ...


*

*

Robert,

The above is what I sent you. I think to some extent you are feeling attacked too easily. What most people are doing is trying to use their experience in this crappy world of infidelity to get you out of it.

What you MUST understand is that sometimes it comes down to you having to choode to either be married at all costs or get out of infidelity. Sometimes you cannot do both.

But whatever choice you make it has to come from you having the facts and you need to be proactive in getting them so you can make an informed decision.

trusting your wife or the OM to tell you the truth is NOT going to get you there.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> Even better, the feminists have fought off every attempt to do away with permanent alimony in Florida for years. With his disability after a long term marriage she would be paying him for life. And until we get more women paying it we've got little chance of getting rid of it.


*So true, kind Sir!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> Thank you Deirdre and notmyrealname,it seems like everyone else has attacked me and I havent done anything wrong(apart from being ill).I do appreciate your responses and support.


That's the way it is around here. Read my threads and you'll see the same thing.

It's not about helping it's about picking on and it's a gang mentality on here.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Robert2107 said:


> Thank you Deirdre and notmyrealname,it seems like everyone else has attacked me and I havent done anything wrong(apart from being ill).I do appreciate your responses and support.


Robert -

The thing is that it's time to put on your game face. Everyone pposting here is posting here to help you, whether it looks like it or not. You are at your most raw right now, and no matter what you're going to feel attacked by the nature of some of the advice. Honestly, it can go overboard at times, but you also need to understand that _the number ONE problem_ with freshly-betrayed is middling. 

Do yourself a favor and PM NewPhoenix5. You can find his thread here. He has been hit harder than anyone has by infidelity (non-pregnancy division) and has taken his share of criticism. There is literally maybe only 20 people in the world right now who are in better life experience position to give you a few words of encouragement. Not only has he been through it all, but he's dedicated thousands upon thousands of hours of trying to work through this.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Manchester said:


> That's the way it is around here. Read my threads and you'll see the same thing.
> 
> It's not about helping it's about picking on and it's a gang mentality on here.


Not true... and I have seen you be pretty nasty to some posters yourself, Man... :nerd: Sometimes people just don't like to be called out. Most of the folks here call it as they see it as it is presented.


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## Nick0514 (Oct 19, 2016)

I'm not going to be rude and I won't act like a know it all being as most people on here are older than I am and have been married or experienced marriage longer than I. One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!! That's my piece, I hope you don't give up and I hope you fight for restoration and reconciliation. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> Oh another thing she is the one thats let herself go she is about 60lbs overweight,smokes like a chimney ,is mean to everyone.And the dude (ive seen his pic looks like hes about 350 lbs and has a head like a horse so hes not a winner)


Head like a horse. 350 lbs. This is your competition? You have a way with words.

A Stallion? Nope.....a Steal-ur-Own. He is stealing your own wife. Both parties are not Kissing Cousins....more like Hurting Cousins.

Thanks for the update. This is not about sex. It is about venting. She and POSOM are Two Large Cans, with a wax string, pulled taut, connecting them. They communicate their Woos and Woes using that string of pain. She should be talking herself better {with you}. Choosing him makes her feel better {in comparison} to you and her. She has a poor opinion of herself. The large horse OM makes the Sad Mule that is her, look good in comparison. She is nursing him and herself.

A pair, not made in Heaven, but made for Heathens.

Move on with your life.....but first sneak out the back door, at night, in disguise. The dark cloud is not above you....it lives in your house. Do not look back.....lest you become a pillar of pickled salt.

If you do not rectify this NOW, it will return in 7 years, you weaker, her more sour.

You can do better. Good Luck!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> Thank you Deirdre and notmyrealname,it seems like everyone else has attacked me and I havent done anything wrong(apart from being ill).I do appreciate your responses and support.


You're welcome. Make sure you make some changes, though. Best wishes to you, you can do this. 

I think people try to be helpful, so assume it's from a good place, but in your case, your wife is not staying with. She sounds like a lousy wife, who lies and cheats, to me...nothing you have done could cause you to deserve the treatment you're receiving.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Nick0514 said:


> One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!!


A lot of people on here have been through bad marriages and are divorced or are stuck in bad marriages and can't leave due to finances or fear of being alone or whatever.

So you're going to see a lot of advice like that although it's ironic given the name of the forum.

Should be called *Talk About Divorce*


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Thanks I know everyone means well.I did go see an atty and he told me to go forth with the divorce judge would make us sell and 50/50.I cannot do that ,its not in my heart I am not that kind of person.She wants the house I just want 20 k (we have about 90k in equity.Yesterday we agreed on this,today I typed everything out ,she gets home and backs out.I refuse to leave(I gave the down payment for this house and lost my ass on our old house)..I just want something to start over(again at 50 with 5 small dogs who are not going to the shelter,cant let them down too)...but Im against a rock and a hard place.As Im writing this Im not afraid to admit I am crying and my dogs are right next to me,two of them kissing my face ....


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Nick0514 said:


> I'm not going to be rude and I won't act like a know it all being as most people on here are older than I am and have been married or experienced marriage longer than I. One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!! That's my piece, I hope you don't give up and I hope you fight for restoration and reconciliation.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She ended the marriage when she cheated. He should remain in a marriage with a liar and cheater, who also seems trashy? Marriage isn't a prison sentence, and now she can be free to date other men. She won't have to lie about it anymore, as a married woman.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Robert2107 said:


> Thanks I know everyone means well.I did go see an atty and he told me to go forth with the divorce judge would make us sell and 50/50.I cannot do that ,its not in my heart I am not that kind of person.She wants the house I just want 20 k (we have about 90k in equity.Yesterday we agreed on this,today I typed everything out ,she gets home and backs out.I refuse to leave(I gave the down payment for this house and lost my ass on our old house)..I just want something to start over(again at 50 with 5 small dogs who are not going to the shelter,cant let them down too)...but Im against a rock and a hard place.As Im writing this Im not afraid to admit I am crying and my dogs are right next to me,two of them kissing my face ....


Robert

There is nothing to be ashamed about by crying. Most of us on here have been there and done that. It comnes with what you are going through. Get back to your attorney and keep at it. Do not give up or give in. You will get through this


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Robert,

Your attorney will provide you with answers to all of your questions. If you are against a rock and a hard place it's his exact job to tell you where the soft squishy middle is. I bet it's not as bad as you think that it's going to be - it never is. 

This is exactly the time when you need to be reaching out to a support network. Dogs included -- most folks don't make it through these events without some serious therapy and medication. It sounds to me like animals are a very healthy coping mechanism.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> Thanks I know everyone means well.I did go see an atty and he told me to go forth with the divorce judge would make us sell and 50/50.I cannot do that ,its not in my heart I am not that kind of person.She wants the house I just want 20 k (we have about 90k in equity.Yesterday we agreed on this,today I typed everything out ,she gets home and backs out.I refuse to leave(I gave the down payment for this house and lost my ass on our old house)..I just want something to start over(again at 50 with 5 small dogs who are not going to the shelter,cant let them down too)...but Im against a rock and a hard place.As Im writing this Im not afraid to admit I am crying and my dogs are right next to me,two of them kissing my face ....


Why are being so nice? She is cheating, she makes a lot more money than you. Split the equity in the house 50/50. You are going to need this money to find a place to live. I'm sorry you are going through this and it's good to cry so don't be ashamed. Don't leave your house. She can leave if she wants to.


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

She is stubborn as they come,,she will not leave Id rather leave.I gave her the chance to prove to me that (like she says its jot what I think,I said let me see the phone bill she said **** that,Im supposed to trust her.Well if Im supposed to trust her why wont she prove it?Cause shes guilty!!!!!


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

And by the way I am nice ...I am that kind of person.I feed stray cats,give money to the homeless,3 of my dogs I took out of abusive homes.I believe in karma.I dont have a vengeful bone in my body


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Wow, big changes overnight. Your marriage must have been in worse shape than you though or wanted to admit. But good news, you're about to be free from the misery and pain. 

You need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy. I read this book and it woke me up. I ended my sham of a marriage 2 weeks later and started my life over. 

Free PDF download: 

https://7chan.org/lit/src/Robert_Glover_-_No_More_Mr_Nice_Guy.pdf


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> She is stubborn as they come,,she will not leave Id rather leave.I gave her the chance to prove to me that (like she says its jot what I think,I said let me see the phone bill she said **** that,Im supposed to trust her.Well if Im supposed to trust her why wont she prove it?Cause shes guilty!!!!!


That goes without saying.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Manchester said:


> A lot of people on here have been through bad marriages and are divorced or are stuck in bad marriages and can't leave due to finances or fear of being alone or whatever.
> 
> So you're going to see a lot of advice like that although it's ironic given the name of the forum.
> 
> Should be called *Talk About Divorce*


I agree with your premise........no, pre-miss.

You miss the point. This blog is [often] an outlet for outlying relationships. For desperate folks. 

Many of the good people who post here are doing so with few crumbs of Reconciliation available, with little chance of re-constituting those dry, or maybe bloody crumbs.

The unhappy OP's open up their Pot Pie and show us very few edible food bits. Bits, that can be reconstituted to make a good marriage, to repair what is mush.

You cannot reconstruct an Egg that is broken. If you can make an Omelet with it, fine. But some semblance of goodness must be attainable.

Both parties in a marriage must be salvageable. When they get to TAM they are half way down the cliff, grabbing at crag-tree limbs, as they fall. 

For the marriage to survive they must stop somewhere in their descent. After stopping, they must climb back up to a marriage, that is not the same, but is mutually tolerable and rewarding.

Many on here know they [OP's] will hit bottom. We provide the cushioning or the trampoline so that they can live another day, bounce back.........love another day, be happy another day.

Many here on TAM talk divorce for one reason: Time on Earth is sooooo damn short. Why waste a minute on [probable] failing tactics. 

I do agree with you 100% that if a marriage has a reasonable chance of re-birth and a reasonable chance of "R" success, then that is the proper channel to take your Skiff named "Love Birds", up.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> You mentioned filing for bankruptcy soon... If you are married, they are going to require you to file a chapter 13 instead of a 7, where you have to make payments on the debt. Unless there is some kind of rule that allows a 7 due to disability? If you are separated, you should be able to file a 7, that is what happened when I did it many years back. Just giving a heads up in case you weren't aware.
> 
> Sorry to say but 5 dogs is not going to work for you finding a new place to live. Are you going to let dogs dictate how you live your life?


five dogs....would drive almost ANY spouse over the edge. What the heck are you thinking. lose the dogs. NOW.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Nick0514 said:


> I'm not going to be rude and I won't act like a know it all being as most people on here are older than I am and have been married or experienced marriage longer than I. One thing I am so sick of on this forum is a persons first piece of advice being "get out of the marriage", it just doesn't make sense that you would encourage someone to end a marriage so easily being as it's a LIFE LONG COMMITMENT!!


that is true, many just jump to the "Divorce now--there is nothing to save " conclusion. In many cases that is not true, EVEN if she was cheating. i would pursue finding out what is really going on, how badly she wants you out, etc. And...the dogs...let her tell you she wants all five of them there.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*


Talker67 said:



five dogs....would drive almost ANY spouse over the edge. What the heck are you thinking. lose the dogs. NOW.

Click to expand...

*

Moronic advice and totally irrelavant to your wife cheating. Anyone who ever has owned pets would not make this ridiculous statement. And right now the dogs are more loyal than your wife.

my suggestion is you move forward and disregard that advice.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Robert2107 said:


> And by the way I am nice ...I am that kind of person.I feed stray cats,give money to the homeless,3 of my dogs I took out of abusive homes.I believe in karma.I dont have a vengeful bone in my body


Well unless you want to end up living in a box under a bridge...you better find a way to get un-nice. She will hose you. Doesn't matter how long you were married or whether she has any residual feelings... she will hose you. Women like her can become unfathomably selfish and cruel...especially when they are in the affair fog. 

Go see a lawyer for a free consult. Go see three. They will not charge you. Get educated as to what you can expect in a divorce. Right now you are just guessing and flapping in the wind. Once you are armed with information you will feel better.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Robert2107 said:


> Thanks I know everyone means well.I did go see an atty and he told me to go forth with the divorce judge would make us sell and 50/50.I cannot do that ,its not in my heart I am not that kind of person.She wants the house I just want 20 k (we have about 90k in equity.Yesterday we agreed on this,today I typed everything out ,she gets home and backs out.I refuse to leave(I gave the down payment for this house and lost my ass on our old house)..I just want something to start over(again at 50 with 5 small dogs who are not going to the shelter,cant let them down too)...but Im against a rock and a hard place.As Im writing this Im not afraid to admit I am crying and my dogs are right next to me,two of them kissing my face ....


$3,000 a month is peanuts. As a director of nursing, she must be pulling in $100k a year at least.

This woman owes you 50% of the house AND alimony. Get what you are entitled to. DON'T BE A FOOL.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> Moronic advice


Calling someone a moron because you don't agree with them?

Over the top IMHO



BetrayedDad said:


> $3,000 a month is peanuts. As a director of nursing, she must be pulling in $100k a year at least.
> 
> This woman owes you 50% of the house AND alimony. Get what you are entitled to. DON'T BE A FOOL.


Sometimes to some people it isn't all about the money.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I love dogs, also.

The facts need to be pointed out.

This guy has five dogs. I am confident that his costs will be less. However, on a pre-tax income of $3000. these dogs will eat away his budget.

I recommend he go down to two dogs, until he can get himself in a better spot, financially.



1st year dogs cost more due to vet costs.

Older dogs can cost many thousands of dollars due to poor health and vet costs.
...........................................................................................................................................................................................................

Two veterinary students from the University of Pennsylvania School of Veterinary Medicine have recently updated the statistics related to costs involved in raising a dog. Kelly Giffear and Brittany Scott projected yearly costs for raising small, medium, large and giant breeds.


The average cost for the first year of raising small dogs was $2674; medium dogs on the average cost $2889; the cost for large dogs is $3239 and giant breeds such as Great Danes have an annual cost of $3536. The average first year cost across all sizes was $3085.

Supplies were estimated at $432 per year, Food was $435 per year, and Preventative Medications were estimated at $389 per year. Veterinary costs were $650 per year and included all lab work plus are for one serious illness per year was added into the figures.

According to Giffear and Scott, the average lifetime cost of raising a dog is $23,410.















Total over the life of a 14 year old dog 





Low Cost My Cost High Cost 









$4,242.00

$12,468.00

$38,905.00


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I believe you should get what you can from the divorce. 50/50 is fair.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

If you want to be foolish and flush YOUR OWN MONEY down the toilet - or pay for more cigarettes and some nice clothes for her other man, we can't stop you.

But be clear - that is NOT being nice. It's being a fool. She'll laugh her a55 off at it because it's literally a "loser" move. It will confirm all her bad feelings about you.

Giving money - when you say you don't have enough - to someone who disrespects you, mocks you, texts others about you and cheats on you, is about as codependent as they come.

Haven't read it but no more mr nice guy sounds exactly like what you need. I am NOT a nice guy, but people like and respect me. Many "nice guys" are not respected and are frankly mean to others.

Good luck. You did good by initiating the break up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Thanks everyone,,my truck is in her sisters name its brand new and owes 29k .i figure after paying atty closing costs and taxes i wont be any better off if we get divorced.We agreed they will pay off the truck hand me the title (under my name of course)qnd i will hand over a quit claim deed(which essentially takes my name off the title).Then ill sell the damn truck and move on.I dont really care if we stay married(this will stop me from making the same mistake in the future).Again as far as the dogs I have found many places I can afford that allow dogs so thats not an issue(an yes if it came down to it I would live under a bridge before losing these guys....A failed marriage is one thing taking my dogs to the pound would be a real loss....


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Being nice is one thing. Being a fool is another. 

You need to wake up. You will not be able to take care of the dogs if you do what you are planning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are not telling the truth, OP. You DO CARE if you are married. You DO CARE about your wife, and you DO still want to be married to her. It's ok. We understand.

But don't blame your inaction, your finances, and your failure to take care of your financial future on your "niceness". 

That is not "niceness", it's WEAKNESS. And you had better believe that her attorney is going to take FULL ADVANTAGE of your weakness.

If you were wise, you'd hire an attorney, tell him to do what he needs to in order to protect you, and just sign whatever he says sign.
If you listen to your wife, her attorney, or your weak mind (all of us are likely weak when we are betrayed and in love with a cheater)--- you will be in dire straits eventually. 
And don't think for one second she will admire you are appreciate you for taking it easy on her. She will think you are a weak loser who let his cheating wife run all over him, even after he found out she betrayed him.

It's just how it is. Turn your life over to an attorney and let someone protect you while you're so vulnerable. It's the smart thing to do.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are not telling the truth, OP. You DO CARE if you are married. You DO CARE about your wife, and you DO still want to be married to her. It's ok. We understand.
> 
> But don't blame your inaction, your finances, and your failure to take care of your financial future on your "niceness".
> 
> ...


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Manchester said:


> Calling someone a moron because you don't agree with them?
> 
> Over the top IMHO
> 
> ...


It is criminally negligent and intolerant advice. He could have 800 dogs and it wouldn't excuse his wife to cheat on him. It was written to bully the OP and has no place in a thread ostensibly about helping him.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

During my divorce when I was suddenly single I got a dog. They're about the only beings on the face of the planet that will give you unconditional love and support when you really need it.

Now 5 dogs is a bit much but if you can swing it then good luck to you!

I've read that when you have more than 2 dogs they can exhibit pack behavior and sometimes show aggression towards each other and to outsiders so you might want to watch for that.


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## bojangles (Oct 11, 2016)

Robert, w/ a guaranteed 3k a month, consider loading up the dogs and expatriating to Mexico. 

Uncle Fred's Mexico - Fred On Everything


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Yes I still care anout being married 25 is a hell of a long time to throw away


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

Seriously OP, don't reward her for her behavior. Have your attorney work for you to get what you deserve.


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

By the way went to psych today and he saw the texts didnt see too much on her end it was mostly on his end(this started as a professional business thing and he veered off course)but she didnt stop him...psych suggested marriage counseling(but in her eyes shes not doing anything wrong)...so I dont ttink that will fly.And please ,please stop attacking my dogs,those of you that are ,apparently have never been depressed and had the love of a dog.They are all small(between the 5 they weigh 100 lbs)..so its not an issue never has been(this is the only source of comfort I have,one of them is 16 and will have to be put down soon(that wint be easy either).


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Robert2107 said:


> Yes I still care anout being married 25 is a hell of a long time to throw away



why think of it as throwing away....people change, times change and in the end sometimes its time to graduate and move on from something new. She clearly has disrespected you and this marriage....at alone speaks volumes....and since she feels she is not wrong then she will not stop, regardless of what others think....so now she put the ball in your court....you can suck it up and take it or work on yourself and move on.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> But don't blame your inaction, your finances, and your failure to take care of your financial future on your "niceness".
> 
> That is not "niceness", it's WEAKNESS. And you had better believe that her attorney is going to take FULL ADVANTAGE of your weakness.


Well said. If I had a dollar for every time I've read on these types of forums about guys not wanting a divorce because they're nice I would be a millionaire. 

Nice is just an excuse. Because you are afraid, and that's ok. But don't let the fear immobilize you.

Once you realize this perhaps the lightbulb will come on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> By the way went to psych today and he saw the texts didnt see too much on her end it was mostly on his end(this started as a professional business thing and he veered off course)but she didnt stop him...psych suggested marriage counseling(but in her eyes shes not doing anything wrong)...so I dont ttink that will fly.And please ,please stop attacking my dogs,those of you that are ,apparently have never been depressed and had the love of a dog.They are all small(between the 5 they weigh 100 lbs)..so its not an issue never has been(this is the only source of comfort I have,one of them is 16 and will have to be put down soon(that wint be easy either).


Sorry.

The dogs are IN.

You are a good man and depression is not just a hole in the ground. It is a hole in ones heart. A heart with a hole in it cannot pump much blood...cannot inflate a man or women.

The sad-sack analogy [offered here] needs a boot up, to a level of functionality. Your psych needs to prescribe a tailored medication that will re-boot your hard-drive...forward. Ask for medication. If you are presently using some prescription, it does not sound like it is helping you.

Don't give up. All is not lost. Not by a long shot.


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## NoEasyWayOut (Oct 26, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> but Im against a rock and a hard place.As Im writing this Im not afraid to admit I am crying and my dogs are right next to me,two of them kissing my face ....


This is heartbreaking. I don't have any good advice for you but certainly can relate. I read a story recently about a little boy who died in a fire. The parents were able to get out of the house but the poor child couldn't. They found the child with his dog curled up next to him. The dog wouldn't leave him and they perished together. :crying:

Animals really are our best friends. They will never betray us like humans sometimes do.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Robert..... be very aware your W will attempt to "appear" as if she may 

want things to work out..... She isn't, she is just lining up her ducks. If

she can screw you over in the D, bet the farm she will. A D is a business

deal.... yes I know you still love her but she does not you anymore. To

do what she did and to continue to do so... shows she has zero respect for

you. Now it will be hard taking the first step, was for me. When my XW and I

filled out the D papers together, I pulled off an Emmy winning performance by 

not breaking down. That was four years ago. Part of your depression is from not

working... even though you draw disability. If no place will hire you, look into

volunteering at a food bank or free tutoring. Idle time is the devil's workshop, especially

if someone is depressed. You have free time and you helped out around the house....

and catered to her needs. I'm sure she enjoyed this but somewhere along the line....

she lost respect you. It's time to shift that focus to YOU. If you are 100% through with

her, there may be no need to investigate. If you aren't... may need to put on your sleuth 

hat. Definitely contact the OMW, she has a right to know her H is a piece of chit.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Robert2107 said:


> And by the way I am nice ...I am that kind of person.I feed stray cats,give money to the homeless,3 of my dogs I took out of abusive homes.I believe in karma.I dont have a vengeful bone in my body


If you believe in karma, then what did you do previously to deserve all this unhappiness with your marriage and life? 

Seriously, I commend you for recognizing that your wife is not being honest with you. After you take the opportunity to start over again, make the best of it. If you are depressed, seek help for it.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> You are not telling the truth, OP. You DO CARE if you are married. You DO CARE about your wife, and you DO still want to be married to her. It's ok. We understand.
> 
> But don't blame your inaction, your finances, and your failure to take care of your financial future on your "niceness".
> 
> ...


E58.... go back and read your thread from a month ago. Then read what I quoted you saying.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Robert2107 said:


> those of you that are ,apparently have never been depressed and had the love of a dog.They are all small(between the 5 they weigh 100 lbs


Forget what I posted about a group of dogs possibly exhibiting aggressive pack behavior.


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## Robert2107 (Oct 23, 2016)

Thank u all,this is a great place with a lot of good advice.Some places u post and get o responses.Hopefully one day I will be in the frame of mind where I can chime in on others issues...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All this stuff is excruciatingly painful. All that pain makes one make mistakes. 

If you don't let someone else take care of you, like a lawyer, you are going to make mistakes and regret it.
How you feel now, you will NOT feel later.

Listen to people who have experience with this. 
We've already done what you have done. Been through it.

What was said about your wife putting on an act like she wants to reconcile while she gets her case against you together, and makes her plans for a future with you not in it---- spot on advice.

If your wife is remorseful--- she'd show it. And there's not really an in between. Either they are totally remorseful, or not at all. Yours sounds like not at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

You need to start doing something about yourself. Living with someone with depression will suck the life out of you, it's not easy.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Manchester said:


> A lot of people on here have been through bad marriages and are divorced or are stuck in bad marriages and can't leave due to finances or fear of being alone or whatever.
> 
> So you're going to see a lot of advice like that although it's ironic given the name of the forum.
> 
> Should be called *Talk About Divorce*


This is true to an extent. There is a lot of divorce talk here. 

I do however believe that the title * Talk about what a healthy marriage looks like* might be better. Those recommending leaving have read something that probably hits a nerve or is a red flag that directly relates to their own experiences. 

I believe anything is salvageable for two people both completely willing to put in hard work, but I also believe in lost causes that are just going to waste everyone's time. Time is precious and finite. 

While marriage is a life-long commitment, there are plenty of people who aren't cut out for it or just never learned the skills necessary for it. Further, there are many who feel really stuck because their unfailing sense of commitment is stopping them from leaving a very toxic situation.

That is why I like to think the advice here is (and should be) more about what is healthy or unhealthy in a marriage. Decisions are up to the poster at the end of the day.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Satya said:


> This is true to an extent. There is a lot of divorce talk here.
> 
> I do however believe that the title * Talk about what a healthy marriage looks like* might be better. Those recommending leaving have read something that probably hits a nerve or is a red flag that directly relates to their own experiences.
> 
> ...




Completely agree. @Manchester my motto has always been "Marriage is not a life sentence." Keeping the title but being unable to be IN a marriage because your spouse has broken their marriage vows and isn't interested in making amends just becomes foolish and enabling at some point.

I never recommend D if there are signs that there are underlying disagreements or value / comparability differences without first recommending IC and MC, and assuming it might take a few therapists to get a good one. But again, if only one spouse is willing to try to make it work, then at some point (after raw nerves have had a chance to settle and the situation hasn't changed) then it's time to make a happy life for yourself. And that often means removing the anchor from around your neck.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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