# Confused, should I consider divorce?



## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

I originally had this posted in a different forum topic, but it was suggested I move it here. Trying to figure out if I should try to make it work somehow or just divorce. 

My wife and I started having troubles a couple of years ago. To summarize during that time we have separated twice, once for just over a month and then again for about 9 months. I ask her to move in with me in September, as she was planning to rent a place closer to work, and I had extra space. She accepted quite quickly and we have lived together with our kids ever since. We have relocated a couple of times since then but during the moves it was never discussed of separating to different locations.

Yet I am very confused by the whole scenario.

During our time together we really haven’t had any fights, but we have not been intimate in nearly two years. We sleep in different rooms, and really do not do anything together. We have dinner together, and occasionally go on a family event or activity, but otherwise are not together. Roughly once a month she likes to go out and socialize with friends, usually returning the next day. (I posted a separate post about this, as I disapprove with aspects of that, and as many of the posters pointed out there are some unusual behaviors with this action.) She always seeks my approval for things, running ideas and activities by me that she wants to or will be doing. In many ways she treats me like her husband.

While we were separated the second time she decided to divorce me, partially because she was angry at me for how I had acted regarding one of her friends. (I wanted to visit and she declined my request because she was going shopping. I drove past her house and found that she was home, but had one of her friends over, male. She had gone shopping earlier. It was harmless but I was angry at her dismissing me for him. This occurred in Feb 2014.) She discussed the various terms with me over the phone, all of which I agreed to as they were very kind, nothing vindictive or greedy. We were supposed to meet at the courthouse on a certain day to file but when the day we were supposed to meet came and went, and the divorce was never filed. She called me that day to discuss another project she was working on, but never said a word about the divorce She never mentioned it again! I found the papers in our storage unit by accident while looking for another item, she had everything filled out and ready, but never followed through.

Why?

My sister-in-law said she couldn’t afford it, but that’s not true, she makes plenty of money, more than I do. I’ve speculated again and again on what reasons she might have, but I simply don’t know.

In the past, mostly shortly after our second separation, I tried to do things to show affection towards her. I would bring her flowers, compliment her, tell her I loved her, etc. During the fight in Feb 2014 mentioned above, she told me she was tired of my “pathetic attempts to change things”.

On Valentines Day this year she decided that we would spend it with the kids, separately. Our 2 year old son was her date, and our 9 year old daughter mine. On the day of I brought her a tin of her favorite cookies, a balloon, and a rose, had my son deliver it to her. She informed me that it was “sweet” and went on with her day. As we were all leaving for our “dates”, she informed me that she was going to bring her friend (the same one from above) with them on their date.

Last week was our third wedding anniversary. Neither of us even acknowledged the day. Nor did we the second anniversary. Maybe I should have made a small effort, but I already know she would have been put-off by it.

I love living in the same house with my kids, but I feel really sad and alone in all of this. If she didn’t want me why didn’t she just let me go? I just can’t make sense of it all. We tried MC before during our first separation, but it didn’t last long as she felt I didn’t take it serious, but I felt it was a wasted expense as the counselor didn’t seem to work with any real issues. She won’t do it again, I tried to get her to last year, because of how I felt about the MC the last time.

Thoughts?


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Thoughts?

Somewhere in your bedroom is a safety blanket that has "Plan B" stitched across it.

We all love our kids, but it sounds like she doesnt even care enough to let you go.

Personally, I would file.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

Dude.... Seriously?!? You are one step short of the gimp in a box with a ball gag on. That Valentines date was to introduce your son to his new step dad.

Something in life has made you so passive it hurts me through the monitor. Please get pissed off and recover your dignity.

~ Passio


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you should.

As I said in your other thread, she wanted to spend Valentine's Day with him. And did. What other signs would you need?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your sexless marriage is completely dysfunctional. Of course you should file for divorce. Luckily you have the papers she filled out. Should make it easier. Did she sign them?

Has she been sleeping with OM during this time?

From your description one would anticipate her expecting you to cheat. 

You cannot even do a 180 to catch her attention because she is ignoring you.


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## ThirtySixThousandAndTwo (Mar 12, 2015)

Divorce is a big step, and often is messier than the marriage.
Perhaps it would help clarify things if you sat down and made a list.
A) whats in it for you to stay. ( a short list I would think from your description of your situation)
B) what you would gain by moving on in your life.

As you wrote:
"Trying to figure out if I should try to make it work somehow or just divorce."

Well, thats a decision. Only you can make that.


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## Daeuid (Feb 19, 2014)

ThirtySixThousandAndTwo said:


> Divorce is a big step, and often is messier than the marriage.
> Perhaps it would help clarify things if you sat down and made a list.
> A) whats in it for you to stay. ( a short list I would think from your description of your situation)
> B) what you would gain by moving on in your life.
> ...


This is indeed a good idea, and something I should do. 

All of her friends are male, the one in question on Valentines Day has been in her life before I was. She has told me in the past she values his friendship too much to ever go beyond the "just friends" line. I believe that, simply because she didn't have to tell me she was going to take him along on Valentines Day, if it had been more she may have just kept that secret.

She has several other friends as well. One is a drug addict who has been in rehab multiple times for Heroin use. This one she sees as someone who needs help, even though he has lied to her and stolen things from her on more than one occasion. Just recently she told me she erased his information from her phone, said she was done with trying to help him. That has happened before though, he will reach out when he needs money, or cigarettes, and she will help him. Even her sister has tried to intervene and get my wife to stop dealing with this person, to the point at times they barely talk to one another. I have been very fierce with making her understand not to take the kids around him, and she doesn't.

The other one is a delivery guy at work. This one I have the most suspicions about. He talks to her alot on FB, and has hung out with her on the last two "social" nights that she has had. The two of them are planning to go on a weekend vacation. As he was already going my wife ask him if she could go too. The plans have changed a couple of times, with the most recent being a "two bedroom cabin near a lake". I informed her that it may not be a good idea to go out into an isolated environment with someone she doesn't know all that well. She showed me the cabin, and gave me the address, in case something was to happen. She told me that she explained to him "she was interested in being his friend only, and that she was technically married".

Last weekend she took my stepdaughter to see a movie, she ask if that would be okay because she feels like she doesn't get enough attention. I was okay with that, but my gut told me there was more. After they came back she told me she picked up ANOTHER one of her friends and took him to the movies also, and in return he purchased dinner for them.

Its difficult, I mean its disrespectful and insulting that she wants me to accept her behavior, and any time I contest what she is doing I am the bad person and she will go ahead and do what she wants. Yet on the flip side, I was raised in a home without a father, and I know what that's like. My mother had a man who she was with for most my life all the way up into my adulthood, he didn't live with us usually but he was a mean, horrible person. Crazy actually, he is to this day on many different psych meds. I don't want my son or my stepdaughter to experience that, and so I trudge on through my days, knowing that if I don't I have abandoned them, leaving them to the whims of my wife and potentially one of these guys (or a future loser).

I don't want my son to grow up thinking that this is how relationships work, to see his parents exhibit 0% affection towards one another either.

There simply is no right answer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm sorry, but there actually is a right answer.

You are in a one-sided open marriage. Add to this that the spouse who is having fun with other people completely calls the shots in all departments.

You need to work on yourself to build up your self-esteem. Your children need a strong father. I don't believe you can do this with your wife around. You should definitely file for divorce. You will still be able to parent while divorced. Your children don't have to lose you just because you have freed yourself from her. (And it would be a liberation.)


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## lindacolbert (Apr 3, 2015)

Your story is really sad but I feel when you are not happy in a relation you should move on in life. In your case take a divorce and also try for custody of your kids. Take advice from a lawyer who deals in both the cases and try to be happy in life.


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