# My wife thinks sex is dirty



## C150249 (Feb 13, 2017)

This is very first time using a forum for help but I've just out of ideas. 
I've been happily married for 4 yrs now and we've been to together in total for 17 yrs. in the last 6 yrs our sex life has been becoming less frequent as each year passes to the point it only happened twice last year and only 4 times the year before that. We've had many a argument over the subject and I suggested she go and talk to a professional which she did and she came back and said it only made things worse. Im struggling like I've never known before with general unhappiness, most of the time I can put it aside and just carry on. It at the point now where I sleep on the edge of the bed to help keep temptations away from touching because I've just can't take the rejections of any advances any more. 
She says she can't even cuddle in case I get excited and want to take things further. What's caused her complete lack of interest and thoughts of 'it's dirty' is as a small girl her mother would bring home different partners regularly and she would her mother having sex and the memory of that. Is has come back to haunt her. Up till 6-7 yrs ago out sex life was good, having sex every 2 weeks or so which I could live with. I'm at my wits end felling aggressive, angry and just damn miserable. Talking about it to her most of the time causes a heated discussion or arguments which both I hate doing with a passion so I try to avoid it till it comes to a head then the same cycle just goes on every 3 months or so. 
I feel terrible having to use adult sites to give the tension release I need and sorting myself out in the shower isn't doing it for me any more. I love my wife and she says she loves me too and I don't want to just walk away. What can I do I'm all out of ideas.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

It's not you walking away. She ALREADY did by stopping sex.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

if her aversion to sex was caused by her mothers behaviour then why was she happy to have regular sex in the past?

Does she know how desperate you are and that the marriage is at risk? That her ongoing refusal will make it harder for you to avoid temptations?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*So sorry to see you enduring all of this! Welcome to TAM! 

So what kind of a professional is it that your wife was seeing?

Was she this same way during your courtship phase? With all of those problems/sexual hang-ups of hers, I'd certainly have to recommend a good psychiatrist!*


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It's possible for your wife to heal from whatever hang up she has that prevents her from wanting sex. If she was in therapy, why did she stop? 

Here is the thing about childhood abuse: it doesn't have to define you. But you have to make that decision and work toward embracing your sexual self.

You can't make her do it.

However, you are not required to stay in a marriage that isn't a marriage. There is nothing wrong with you ending the marriage because your wife refuses to be a wife. If she refuses to work toward healthy sexuality she is refusing to be a wife.

Skip to the chase here. Tell her she has 6 months in which you will not pressure her in the slightest to have sex at all. During those 6 months she should be working toward normal healthy sexual response and understanding your need for a normal healthy sex life with your wife. At the end of the 6 months she needs to be ready to engage in sex, enthusiastically and willingly, at least once a week. 

And then be ready to end the marriage. 

I would never stay married to someone who refused sex. I don't know why anyone should be expected to stay married when sex happens so rarely.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Have her watch this video linked below. This really helped me realize that sex is not just sex, especially to a man.

https://youtu.be/Ep2MAx95m20


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

This may be one of those situations where she feels as though she has fallen out of love with you, and her "temptations" to enjoy other men flirting with her is redefining her own childhood traumas. 

If she went to therapy and it only made it "worse" is because she is unable to accept that she and her mom may be just alike. 

If your wife is unable to accept who she is and love herself (desires for other men and all), then she will have to reject those ideas and you lie in bed beside her at night while you have to reject the ideas of being with her. If this is the case it is important to realize that the two of you are experiencing the same amount of pain. Try and get her to talk about it.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

You have every right to leave a marriage where there is no sex. 

If she is willing to continue with therapy, you should support her and be patient, but if she has decided that she no longer wants sex, you should fell free to leave if you want.

How was your sex life before you got married and early in the marriage? You say every 2-3 weeks which is already very infrequent. Did she seem to enjoy sex then? Do you know why it suddenly got worse?

One bright spot is that she at least admits that she doesn't want sex. Many people who don't want sex will instead make up endless excuses that leave their partners running around in circles trying to fix a nonexistant problem.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Once every 2 weeks? Fawk that. Move on.


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## C150249 (Feb 13, 2017)

Before the problem really became a issue our sex lives where really good. What I see is that most couples seem to engage in sex more than once a week. Before we lived together we only saw each other at weekends as we lived a hours drive away from each other and we would have sex every weekend more than once. Once we moved in together it became once a week then to once every other week and that's how it stayed for the next 3 years. I was ok with that and never complained. It was fun and exciting at times. Some times she would send me a message in the day time to get things going for later that evening. She gets embarrassed easily and whilst having a light hearted funny conversation about sex one evening with close friends and her daughter who shares our friendship group, who is now married her self and has small children, her daughter said she had heard us before as her bedroom was next to ours but thought it was funny. My wife is still embarrassed about it and that's where I'm sure her memories as a child hearing her mother with different guys each weekend came back to her. She feels like her mother I'm sure, and she doesn't have much of a relationship with her mother because of so many bad memories. 
If you boil it down it's her mother who is to blame for not caring about a young girl hearing and see what was going on. She said she would go down for breakfast in the morning to find video cases of adult material on the dinning table as 12 a year old girl. Now fast farward 30 years and them memories it's seems can no longer be bloked out. 
She only went to 2 session with a psychiatrist 1 with one whom didn't seem to be paying attention and the other so she says didn't give any descent advise. Talking to strangers about it all digging up old memories made it worse. 
It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too. She doesn't socialise very much at all as we share our friendship groups. She cringed at the thought of people flirting as that's what her mother did.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

So your wife was inappropriately sexualized at a very early age. That is actually very easy to heal from, if she wants to. Hell with this new info I'd give her 3 months. She can let it define her, or she can learn to define herself.

For the record, children overhearing their parents having sex is quite common and when handled maturely and supportively it's quite healthy. Children seeing porn can be damaging and now a days with easy porn access a parent should expect their child to see some form of porn before they are mature enough to process it. This is why parents need to be open and informative about sexuality.

When my 17 year old was 11 she told me she had seen porn at her friends house. She told me they watched it together often. I did not expect to have that kind of conversation at age 11!

I explained what sexual arousal was and that it was healthy and normal.
I explained the people like all kinds of images that make them feel aroused and that is also normal.
....Feeling aroused feels good and so it's normal to want to feel aroused.
....Touching herself also feels good and it's normal and healthy to touch herself and I explained masturbation.
I discussed sexual values. Owning her body. Privacy. The right to be and feel respected. The responsibility to respect others, their body and their privacy.

Her face was red through out. At some point I pulled her onto my lap so she didn't feel like I was lecturing her but informing her. Several times she buried her face in my neck and wanted me to stop telling her, maybe I should have. But I didn't because she had seen porn well before she was ready and I was determined that she learn what was healthy and good.

Afterwards, we went out for a milk shake. She talked much more openly about what she saw, she asked more questions, she said she felt guilty every time but it wasn't bad enough to not watch it and she wondered if that was normal.

Your kids are seeing porn whether you admit it or not. Maybe, like me, you thought monitoring computer use and activating parental controls would be enough. But once they walk out that door and go play at a friend's house, you should assume they are seeing porn.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

C150249 said:


> It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too.


That's a good attitude. If the discussion of sex ends up in a lot of arguments, I would suggest couples counseling instead of just sending her for her own. That way you have a neutral third party that could help to mediate the discussion between the two of you. 

Don't anyone chastise me about this, but you need to speak to her in women's language so that she will understand what you are really saying. Don't pursue it from a stance of "I need sex", you have to articulate the *why* it is important in terms of feelings and emotions (You love the feeling of closeness and intimacy when you all are together). When talking to your wife, you need to be able to explain it to her in terms of how it makes you feel (and I don't mean the physical sensation) when you get rejected and how you miss the bonding you all share by having sex. It can be tough for a guy, but you can do this and perhaps she will see the why of sex for you.

I have made the mistake of not being able to voice my needs effectively and it can make a woman feel like just a sex object, which in turn ruined her sex drive.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

C150249 said:


> ......I've been happily married for 4 yrs now and we've been to together in total for 17 yrs. in the last 6 yrs our sex life has been becoming less frequent as each year passes to the point it only happened twice last year and only 4 times the year before that.
> 
> .......She says she can't even cuddle in case I get excited and want to take things further. What's caused her complete lack of interest and thoughts of 'it's dirty' is as a small girl her mother would bring home different partners regularly and she would her mother having sex and the memory of that. Is has come back to haunt her. Up till 6-7 yrs ago out sex life was good, having sex every 2 weeks or so which I could live with........


My recommendation is that you are in a Sex Starved Marriage, read MW Davis book the Sex Starved Marriage.

A couple of obvious questions based on the following:

---married for 4 years.
---up until 6-7 years ago the sex life was good.
---in the past 6 years our sex life has been becoming less frequent.

Why did you get married? Did you have some kind of expectation that once she got married, things would magically improve? Did she make any promises, did she state any expectations as to what she felt marriage would be like?

---we've been to together in total for 17 yrs

So you waited 13 years before the two of you got married. When you talked about marriage what were her and what were your expectations that you discussed.....or did you not talk about your future.

One of the things that the sex therapist did that helped my wife and I turn around our Sex Starved Marriage was to have us talk to each other about what we thought a "good marriage" should look like and include. Obviously her mother didn't provide a good role model for what a good marriage should be. Ask her if anyone else in her life had a good marriage and what it included. Tell her about what you feel a good marriage should include.

Understand that you can't change your wife, only she can change herself. MW Davis has lots of good advice, get her book and read it carefully. If you study it and look closely at yourself, you will probably find that you are part of the problem. Once you figure out your role in the problem, then you can work on changing that. Once you change yourself, then you can tell her your needs and let her decide whether or not she wants to change herself or not.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

C150249 said:


> Talking to strangers about it all digging up old memories made it worse.
> It seems that divorce is so easy now. I'm a believer that a marriage is to be worked for and I'm not willing to throw it away just like that. I still love her and I know she still loves me too. She doesn't socialise very much at all as we share our friendship groups. She cringed at the thought of people flirting as that's what her mother did.


An example of what you are up against is that reconciling your marriage will likely require your wife to reconcile her relationship with her mother. 

Perhaps you can work on one without the other, but the two seemed to be overwhelmingly intertwined. 

Why was your mother-in-law so unfaithful to your father-in-law? That seems to be the best place to start, and try to see if you have the same traits as your father-in-law as it relates to that question. Ask your wife what her father could have and should have done differently? Try to do this for her!

Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you. 

Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies? 

There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you.
> 
> Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies?
> 
> There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.


I agree, if it was due to her mum it would have affected her from the beginning not after 17 years.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Have to agree with Katiecrna. There is no logical explanation for why this has now all of a sudden become an issue. There is something else's going on.

Something happened to turn your wife off sex, and any physical touch and I am pretty sure she is not telling you the truth and using her mother as an excuse. Could it be a medical issue that is causing pain? How is your wife's weight, did she gained weight around the same time she started not waning to have sex? When I was at my heaviest I avoided sex for the sheer reason that I did not want my husband to see me naked.


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## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

There's nothing you can do about her baggage from the past. If she won't get the professional help she needs so that her past does not unfairly and adversely affect the marriage, you should walk. That is, unless you're OK with masturbating to porn and alone in the shower... for the rest of your married life!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think one theory worth exploring is that she more than just heard what some of these men did with her mother, but may have been a victim of it herself.

Victims of CSA are often healthy during premarital sex, but then begin to associate their partner no longer being safe once married. 

This may also explain her tremendous aversion to IC.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

@farsidejunky

Yup, fear of intimacy, therapy is very intimate and revealing. It ain't for sissies! Fear of intimacy hits once true intimacy is expected, sex is not the same as intimacy.

I think it's perfectly logical from what the OP explained; once they moved in together the sex began to dry up and the playfulness ended. Her daughter was living in the home at the time? 

Lasting embarrassment over something perfectly normal but triggered her to feel like a tart, like her mother.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I just keep sitting here weighing this situation. I'm missing a bit of information. Are their children at home? Is there a spare bedroom?

I get that you want to save this. She needs more help than you can provide. She probably needs a sex therapist. I get the feeling that she is interested in solving this. 

She has emotional discomfort (pain) at dealing with sex. You have emotional discomfort (pain) at dealing with sexlessness. I see it as a relationship of mutual suffering. The first thing she needs to know in a deep down and honest way is That you are in pain. She can not be motivated to solve her problem by her own needs there fore she needs another reason. There are many women out there who will downplay your suffering and tell her you are just making it up in order to get more sex. Moving into another room on some nights will help overcome this cultural bias. You just have to explain that you are not going there to masturbate or to watch porn. You are going there to escape the pain of having her so close but unapproachable. She has to believe it for it to do her any good. 

You on the other hand will get some sleep.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, if it was due to her mum it would have affected her from the beginning not after 17 years.


Unless the OP's wife has just felt attracted to another man for the first time in her marriage. He mentioned that she cringes at being flirtatious as that is what her mom used to do. It may also be possible that she has socially isolated herself out of fear that she would act on this attraction(s).

But I do agree that 17 years is an awkwardly long time for something of this nature to bubble to the surface and become an insurmountable problem.

I'm also extremely skeptical that the OP insisted that only his wife needed therapy as in, "you are the broken person in this relationship, so you need to fix this!" Odds are BOTH of them require some form of personal development in the marriage to overcome this problem, and one person blaming the other is only making it worse. What is interesting is that she tried but claims that it only makes things worse, and that would be the case in the event that the OP is contributing his own set of problems to the relationship. What those are, we don't know. 

Assuming their relationship started around the age of 18 and has spanned 17 years, this puts them at the age of 35 coming up on 40. This coincides with a time that one's AGE finally starts to set in that you are no longer as young as you enjoy envisioning yourself. Thus a mid-life crisis may be setting in and taking a toll as well.

Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> There are many women out there who will downplay your suffering and tell her you are just making it up in order to get more sex.




But she could also be up playing her issue in order not to have sex. It goes both ways. Except she can play up her issue and if he doesn't believe her than he is an "insensitive jerk". She can manipulate the situation and he can't really do anything about it. 

Which is why... the fact that she isn't actively getting help to me is huge. It means she doesn't care how he feels. It's all about her and her needs and she is basically saying he has to be ok with that. That's bullsh*t and not fair to him. She doesn't get to set the standard. Sex twice a year? 4x a year? Come on...that's down right mean to do to someone.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Unless the OP's wife has just felt attracted to another man for the first time in her marriage. He mentioned that she cringes at being flirtatious as that is what her mom used to do. It may also be possible that she has socially isolated herself out of fear that she would act on this attraction(s).
> 
> But I do agree that 17 years is an awkwardly long time for something of this nature to bubble to the surface and become an insurmountable problem.
> 
> ...


I believe they are older than this. The OP mentioned that his wife's daughter is now a grown woman with small children of her own. So I'm guessing this may be a second marriage, at least for the wife, and they are maybe in their 50s, or late 40s at the youngest.

I agree that BOTH the OP and his wife should be in counseling, together, combined with IC. While his wife's behavior may be informed by FOO issues or CSA, a decrease in sex in a relationship is usually symptomatic of another problem in the relationship, which either the OP doesn't recognize or isn't telling us. The two of them needs to be in counseling to help them understand what the other is experiencing, and why this is happening, and then the IC to work on their own issues and how they've contributed to the problem.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> This may be one of those situations where she feels as though she has fallen out of love with you, and her "temptations" to enjoy other men flirting with her is redefining her own childhood traumas.
> 
> If she went to therapy and it only made it "worse" is because she is unable to accept that she and her mom may be just alike.
> 
> If your wife is unable to accept who she is and love herself (desires for other men and all), then she will have to reject those ideas and you lie in bed beside her at night while you have to reject the ideas of being with her. If this is the case it is important to realize that the two of you are experiencing the same amount of pain. Try and get her to talk about it.


OK.

I have been known to stretch, extrapolate, exaggerate , generalize, colorize, analyze, anal-ize, maximize, the truth till y'all go bug eyes. 

Butter, Badsanta's opinion is either, way over the top....or spot on.

Me? I think her dutiful performance is winding down. Her show has run its course. She no longer cares, and is likely depressive and has gone from low desire to no desire. 

Her desire has flat-lined, as would "go" a soft knoll of dirt on a windy barren plain. Flat, like an old tire, on an old car that nobody cares to drive. 

My friend, you had the lady in her prime. And a prime example of frigidity you failed to conquer. 

Let the Dear Lady go. She has driven past the last gas station, and her last gasp ration of sex be gone.... from your grasp and from your loving grope.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

katiecrna said:


> But she could also be up playing her issue in order not to have sex. It goes both ways. Except she can play up her issue and if he doesn't believe her than he is an "insensitive jerk". She can manipulate the situation and he can't really do anything about it.
> 
> Which is why... the fact that she isn't actively getting help to me is huge. It means she doesn't care how he feels. It's all about her and her needs and she is basically saying he has to be ok with that. That's bullsh*t and not fair to him. She doesn't get to set the standard. Sex twice a year? 4x a year? Come on...that's down right mean to do to someone.


OK, if an opportunity for sex were to be viewed as a game of chess between the OP and his wife, here are the moves he should make. 

Assume he will be labeled an "insensitive jerk" and _own it_. Perhaps he should claim that lack of sex makes him very irritable to a point where he has little or no patience for whatever problems she thinks they have, and that if he does not get more sex it will only make everything worse. He can claim that he hates to be such an "insensitive jerk" and that he really needs her help to work on that. ...if she gets upset, he can take all the blame as if everything is caused by his problem of being too insensitive for too long and just reiterate that he needs her help. He can continue being an insensitive jerk to any and all forms of help that she suggests other than sex, because after all he is an insensitive jerk. 

This will work because:

A) He can now take the blame for ALL their problems and claim there is NOTHING wrong with her. Even if she wants to take the blame, they can fight for it as opposed to blaming each other. This will reverse the dynamic of most arguments up to this point.

B) He is asking for her help, even if he has to do so in a way of assuming all the blame. Insisting on more sex is one thing, but asking for her help to stop from being an insensitive jerk in the relationship is something completely different!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> I agree that BOTH the OP and his wife should be in counseling, together, combined with IC. While his wife's behavior may be informed by FOO issues or CSA, *a decrease in sex in a relationship is usually symptomatic of another problem in the relationship*, which either the OP doesn't recognize or isn't telling us. The two of them needs to be in counseling to help them understand what the other is experiencing, and why this is happening, and then the IC to work on their own issues and how they've contributed to the problem.


Why can't problems result in more sex? I mean, I know the answer, but when you consider that human sexuality does not like playing by a set of democratic rules (too predictable, too needy, too entitled) in favor of something pushing our boundaries into the chaotic unknown, it would seem as though at least some problems should manifest themselves as a repeated sexual BINGO combination of sexual angst and release! 

Perhaps it always does, but only a few learn to appreciate and harness it into something enjoyable.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

badsanta said:


> OK, if an opportunity for sex were to be viewed as a game of chess between the OP and his wife, here are the moves he should make.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I agree 100%. He needs to take control of his life and get his needs met. 

Honey, I love you so much. And I understand you think sex is dirty and had issues in the past that effect your view on sex. But I am a man, and I am very sexually attracted to you, and sex is very important to me. I feel unloved, and rejected when you deny me sex. And it's starting to affect my overall happiness and our relationship. I don't feel connected to you when we don't have sex. I am willing to do anything to help you fix your issue/low desire. But sex can only be fulfilled by one person, and that's you. I don't want to be selfish but sex is a want, desire, and need for me. 

Try that OP


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

katiecrna said:


> I find it strange that all of a sudden this is an issue after being together for 17 years. I'm sorry if I am being insensitive but I think she's using her mother issues as a crutch or reason not to have sex with you.
> 
> Is your relationship great otherwise? Are there any other issues? You mentioned she isn't social anymore. I think the sex is just the tip of the iceberg. Is she happy? Do you guys go out together? Any hobbies?
> 
> There are always reasons we can use not to do something. And your wife is using this mother issue as an excuse. Whether or not it's legit is regardless of the point that she doesn't seem to care enough to get past it and work on it. And I think that's a reflection of something much bigger going on with her and your relationship.


This x 1000.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Couple of things that helped my wife.

Unbearable Lessons - The Forgiven Wife *** this link really opened my wife's eyes

New to this blog? Start here. - The Forgiven Wife

Forgive Wife also has some links that talk about her husband's hurt. I find reading some of her articles help me understand my wife a little better.

The author of this book overcame a lot of abuse and now holds workshops for women with sexual hangups.
Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries The Sexually Confident Wife - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

katiecrna said:


> I agree 100%. He needs to take control of his life and get his needs met.
> 
> Honey, I love you so much. And I understand you think sex is dirty and had issues in the past that effect your view on sex. But I am a man, and I am very sexually attracted to you, and sex is very important to me. I feel unloved, and rejected when you deny me sex. And it's starting to affect my overall happiness and our relationship. I don't feel connected to you when we don't have sex. I am willing to do anything to help you fix your issue/low desire. But sex can only be fulfilled by one person, and that's you. I don't want to be selfish but sex is a want, desire, and need for me.
> 
> Try that OP


And show her the video that @katiecrna linked to on the previous page. That's some pretty powerful stuff.


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## C150249 (Feb 13, 2017)

Thanks very much everyone giving some good advise. It's given much food for thought and ideas to try. 
Will be back with updates


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i was wondering if her "sex is dirty" thoughts are because the has OCD. It she a clean freak elsewhere, like washing her hands 20 times a day, etc?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

badsanta said:


> This may be one of those situations where she feels as though she has fallen out of love with you, and her "temptations" to enjoy other men flirting with her is redefining her own childhood traumas.
> 
> If she went to therapy and it only made it "worse" is because she is unable to accept that she and her mom may be just alike.
> 
> If your wife is unable to accept who she is and love herself (desires for other men and all), then she will have to reject those ideas and you lie in bed beside her at night while you have to reject the ideas of being with her. If this is the case it is important to realize that the two of you are experiencing the same amount of pain. Try and get her to talk about it.


I totally agree with this ^

Usually childhood trauma will manifest itself in later years when one finds one going down the path that traumatized them. Otherwise, there is nothing there to spark those 'flashbacks'.

Your wife's mother had multiple sexual partners outside of marriage, and did not hide it from her daughter. Given the stigma one gets (especially women) from having multiple sex partners, it does not go a long way to teaching one's children how to have long-lasting, serious relationships.

But OP's wife has, and does have a long-lasting relationship, despite this. Sex was infrequent (likely due to the negative connotations sex had, thanks to her mother), but nonetheless, there was a sex life - one that OP was at least okay with.

Now, all of a sudden, it's manifested itself in his wife. Why? Likely because of exactly what badsanta said above - she's starting to have thoughts of desire for other men (or one other man). Maybe even a celebrity. Maybe a book that has made her think of having sex with somebody else, fictional or otherwise.

In other words, it's occurred her that perhaps she's just like her mother (even though that's likely not true).

All of these years spent with one person, and she's probably only ever had eyes for him, thoughts for him, interest in him. She's consciously or subconsciously become the antithesis of her mother - hooray!

Then OMG, she realized she was able to be aroused by somebody/something else. Has nothing to do with her husband - all of us can be aroused by someone/something other than our spouses, but we don't usually have this kind of shame associated with it.

It's as if her mother was a raging alcoholic, and a bad drunk. She grew up believing that alcohol was evil, and she'd never fall prey to it the way her mother did. So she only ever drank socially, and never to excess. She resisted that temptation to ever drink more than one glass of wine every couple of weeks or so, until she realized she liked wine. Uh oh.


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