# Another newbie here..



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

I found this forum in a search for Knight in shining armor syndrome.
I was really hoping for some support on getting past infidelity in a marriage. Instead, I seem to be finding hostility. 
:frown2:

I will visit the forum for a few days. I guess more people than I realized only want to direct others to divorce.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

the wife1962 said:


> I found this forum in a search for Knight in shining armor syndrome.
> I was really hoping for some support on getting past infidelity in a marriage. Instead, I seem to be finding hostility.
> :frown2:
> 
> I will visit the forum for a few days. I guess more people than I realized only want to direct others to divorce.


TAM is full of BSs and former BSs (Myself Included). The responses you may get will include a lot of vitriol, but they do speak from experience. The anger is not necessarily aimed at you but at your circumstances and husband. I would forget about the KISA syndrome and concentrate on the infidelity. Your thread is only a couple of hours old, there will be lots more advice and questions to come. Stick around and absorb it all. 

OBTW, my wife and I are 9 years post D-Day and doing fine. Not everyone ends up divorcing.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

@the wife1962 Welcome to TAM.  Just know that sometimes emotions can run high on here when talking about infidelity. I just bumped a very good thread that you may find helpful. It is long,but there is hope there. Here is the link...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52974-reconciliation.html

Take care.


----------



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

Thank you for some kind words. There are just not that many people for me to talk to in real life here. Therefore, that leaves me to searching the internet. 
Yes, knight in shining armor syndrome is what has gotten him into this mess. I have seen it the whole time since we have been together. He is a People Pleaser to start. Afraid to set boundaries with women, because he seems to think they won't "like" him any more if he does. 

I have been doing alot of research on things since Dec 14th, 2015. On many different angles. I have seen things with him....since we have been together, that raise my curiosity. But getting him to talk about anything, is near to impossible.

After this all blew into the open-his passive-aggressive way of outing it- he has been much more willing to open up about things. 
He even said how his mother and father had abused him with Emotional Incest as a small boy. Confiding far too much TMI information about their marriage. His mom would come crying to him because his dad would be openly flaunting his infidelities. Then, his dad would come to him, the son, bragging about how much P**** he was getting on the side. That right there is just a horrible thing to have done to a small boy. One who was even physically ill for 2 years and had no place to escape to.

One of the red flags when I met DH was the fact how he was telling me that his parents still had sex. NOT something one even talks about to dates!! He just is clueless on so many things! I have NEVER met anyone so naive and gullible before in my whole life!

This whole thing has been an eye opener for me. I seriously hope it has been for him too.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Posters on TAM generally have very strong feelings about infidelity. Many have been burned badly -- sometimes more than once -- and react accordingly to stories about cheating and people they feel are making a mistake by attempting to R. 

The decision to R is the only easy part. The rest of it is tough. I doubt you will have very many posters on your thread encouraging you to R -- especially with someone on his third wife, in a short marriage, and almost 60. I know from my own experience that people are usually much less flexible about change as they get older. 

Your husband absolutely could change -- but he may not. Change is difficult and there's a high failure rate. It's better to be prepared than blindsided. Have a plan either way.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @the wife1962, 

You have two other threads on this board, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322457-knight-shining-armor-again.html and http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...tive-personalities-effects-relationships.html you need to combine them so we are all on the same thread. 

First as to the negative feed back, treat it as a warm up/practice session. You will face these criticisms in real life, be prepared for them. I get your attitude and the success rate for women vs men in this situation with your attitude is much higher. But the emotions and issues other posters bring up are true. 

Your husband, like a player, has low self-esteem. In his case he draws a sense of self worth by being the KISA. To him sex is the confirmation of his KISA status. Sex with women is a form of validation. It supports an image of himself he desires to be. The other big difference is unlike a player he is willing to spend money to create another form of dependance in OWs. 

Could I rephrase your question: my husband has an issue with addictive personality that takes the form of KISA during which both an EA and PA take place. The marriage is worth saving. The question is how do I get him to change his mind set to a heather self-image ?


----------



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

JohnA said:


> Hi @the wife1962,
> 
> You have two other threads on this board, http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/322457-knight-shining-armor-again.html and http://talkaboutmarriage.com/relati...tive-personalities-effects-relationships.html you need to combine them so we are all on the same thread.
> 
> ...


Yes. He seems to get validation from his rescue attempts with other women. 

I am not out to "save' him. One cannot save someone from themselves. 
I feel the marriage is worth saving. He has expressed the same. He is making conscious effort to make amends, and be more pro-active, rather than just his previous defaulting to bad learned behaviors.

Is it even possible for him to change? He has to be the one wanting to change. That will take time and effort as well as patience. On the both of our parts. Change in behavior is not accomplished overnight.

I have been reading other topics and commenters posts.
I have already some across different ideas on how to deal. 

Regarding the infidelity-I requested right away that we go to marriage counseling. He refused. So I told him, that if I feel the need to go, then he will pay for it. And I will go. 
Then, my transportation died. That didn't help at all.

So..back to the internet.


----------



## the wife1962 (Mar 9, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Posters on TAM generally have very strong feelings about infidelity. Many have been burned badly -- sometimes more than once -- and react accordingly to stories about cheating and people they feel are making a mistake by attempting to R.
> 
> The decision to R is the only easy part. The rest of it is tough. I doubt you will have very many posters on your thread encouraging you to R -- especially with someone on his third wife, in a short marriage, and almost 60. I know from my own experience that people are usually much less flexible about change as they get older.
> 
> Your husband absolutely could change -- but he may not. Change is difficult and there's a high failure rate. It's better to be prepared than blindsided. Have a plan either way.


Well, I am not asking for ideas on how to change him. I am just searching for my own ways to cope. Hopefully by reading what others have gone through.

As far as the other thread,....how can I even respond without it appearing that I am being argumentative and troll feeding. (???)

I see similar threads where there is more support. Which is why I felt safe enough to even create a thread on that topic. 

Will he change at 60? Possible. He has never even been called out on this behavior. He has just told me he wonders why his relationship attempts with women keep ending so badly. 
And yet...he keeps doing the same thing...expecting different results. THAT....is what I have had to point out to him. 
THAT co-dependent behavior is NOT working for him.
STOP giving women $$ expecting that you will save the day blah blah blah. 

We have sat here on our computers, online...as we talk to friends made online. IN chatrooms. In other countries as well as local.

What does he do? Offers them $$, offers them to come here adn stay with us, no charge...one was for 30 days. 2 young women were claiming they were homeless and living in a park down in Augusta GA. What did he want to do? Drive down and rescue them. Bring them here. Give them $$.

I put a stop to all of those attempts. 
His being Mr Money Bags is some kind of ego trip for him.
Nobody has ever pointed that out to him apparently.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I think your husband self-esteem is so low that he needs a woman to be fniancial dependent on him. Until he accepts he can and needs to be more, he will not change. I often think that women just don't know how to get into a guys face. Have you said this exactly to him:

"I know you have a very low self-esteem. You seem to think the only way to get a women is for er to be financially dependent on you. What are you going to do to keep a women who doesn't view you like this? I mean do you really think all women at heart are *****s?"

As to can he change: an alcoholic will always be an alcoholic. The question is are they dry and if dry are they still a drunk.


----------

