# I caught my wife cheating 3 weeks before our 22 year Ann.



## Stumpy1970

I hope this is not to long, I can't begin to explain the emotions and pains I find myself going through. One second I am crying, the next I'm confused, the next I'm overwhelmed with rage. I am 43 years old, love my wife and family more than anything, they after my Christian Faith define who I am. 22 years, 3 wonderful children, Christian home, dedicated church members. I can't understand how this happened. It started a year and a half ago, I never look at the details of our phone bill but just pay it, this month I noticed that my wife had more text messages than my 2 teenage daughters combined. I looked and the majority were to 2 seperate men, at all times of the day and all hours of the night. I confronted her and in retrospect not very smart I trusted and believed her when she said it was old HS friends she had reconnected with on Facebook, I looked back and although the public post were not bad, I could tell they were flirty and just didn't feel right. I asked her to please stop., I also asked her to give up her Facebook, she protested this so strong I knew something was up. She had like 6000 friends, and I told her if she needed a Facebook to keep up with friends and family we could have one together. I forgot to mention on her page she was listed as single with her phone number posted, no mention of me at all. She finally agreed to give it up and we committed our marrage back to The Lord and moved on. Then a few days ago she got a new phone from a normal upgrade, looking for some legal papers I found where she had hid her old phone. My heart was broken as I discovered she had been living a double life, she had a fake name on face book and has been talking to these guys under a fake identity. I could only see a few text from a app called Tiger Text, this way they would not be on our bill. The problem is the few I saw were vulgar sex messages about what they would do to one another. This guy lives out of state so when I confronted her she admitted the fake names and said the messages were just very inappropriate conversation. I was devastated, crushed not only did this feel like cheating with no contact, but the mother of my children would talk this way. I begged her to tell me if there was more, she cried and I actually felt hurt to see her hurting, we made love that night and although I was still devastated I loved her so, it was such a tender and intimate night. The phone was in my truck and when I got to my office that day not thinking much about it I put the still powered up phone in my desk drawer, then I start hearing the sounds of receiving messages. It had connected to my wifi and was moving data, the same guy that morning. Then I looked at her fake name Facebook and my world came crashing down. She was sending this other guy not only vulgar, and I mean vulgar messages she had been meeting him on a regular basis for the past year, all of the private chats were there for that long. One Saturday night lying in the bed beside me she told him that my son was sick so she was going to Church alone, she would come see him on her way and tell me she had to go to store and have more time after church, she sent pictures of her privates, and told explicit details of what she wanted to do thay made me blush. I love her and my kids don't know yet, I think we should tell them but she is fighting that. I would like to save my marrage and she says she would to. I need some advice, I am so hurt I don't know if I will heal, this may sound strange but right now I don't want to kiss or touch her, she seems un pure or dirty in some way, will I ever get over this. I am so messed up right now, it consumes me. I can't sleep I can't eat, I can't concentrate on my job. One second I'm sobbing and the next I'm so angry I could throw something. If anyone has any advice please help me, my family is my world, they are everything I have and everything that I am.


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## Summer4744

God does not want you to be used. But if you let her she will. I would divorce her and let her fight for you if she really wants you.

Your first step is to monitor her computer, phone, and get VARS. the next is to expose her to everyone.


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## MattMatt

Expose her to church leaders, family, friends.


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## biola

You did nothing wrong,she is the one that broke the marriage vows.If she had a problem,she could have suggested marriage counselling,but instead she chose to outside the marriage.Unless she is remorseful and in agreement with full exposure I would advice to start divorce proceedings.it is biblical to divorce on grounds of adultery.I'm very sorry for this turbulent time you are going through
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SaltInWound

I am sorry you are here. You are among friends who will listen.

Confide in the pastor at your church. You need to expose this far and wide. She wants to keep this a secret and you can't let that happen. Tell your children. Tell her family. She used the church and her faith as an excuse to sin. She has cheated on her family, by representing herself as a good family woman. She has lied to her friends, falsly representing herself. Find out who the OM are and if they are married or in a relationship, tell their significant others. Bust the affair from the other end. Share the evidence you have to convince the gf/wife of the other men the affair is quite real.

Does she show remorse? Actions speak louder than words. Has she tried to blame you for her cheating? Have you asked her if she loves you? What does she say? Did she say "i love you but I am not in love with you? 

Cheaters will have amazing sex with you to distract you. It is ok for you to feel disgusted by her. She has done a disgusting thing. She could have an STD. Cheaters don't use protection. Make her go get tested and then you get tested too.

Cheaters lie. She will say anything she has to in order to save her skin.

Be prepared to lose the marriage to save it. Disconnect yourself emotionally. Ask her if she wants out of the marriage.

DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!!!!! She has already taken it underground, but yeah, it seems she is pretty deep in this with all the fake accounts, etc.


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## the guy

You are going to get alot of tough love remarks and folks are going to be blunt on this site.

The fact of the matter is they are making a point that you can not nice your why out of this.

We in this community have been there and done that so trust us when we tell you.......bad behavior will continue with out consequences...


As hard as it exposure is the best tactic in ending an affair. especially if the OM (other man) has a girl friend ...or better yet a wife.

Trust you have to make this affair/life style as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible....and there is no nice way about doing that with our pissing off your WW (wayward wife)..infact the madder she gets the better job you are doing in making her face these consequences.... Get it no one like to face consequences when they are doing something they are addicted too.


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## SaltInWound

Like The Guy said, you are probably going to see rage, and the closer to the truth and the more you confront, it is going to get worse. I could always tell when my husband was guilty of something. He gave me the silent treatment, and when he decided to speak, it was pure 100% hatred unlike anything you could experience. His eyes were like lasers. Self hate? Not sure. My guess is yes. Of course, my husband had several addictions, so I am sure inside he is a dark mess.


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## the guy

You have made some error you need to correct, and one of them is you love your self more then you love her. An attitude that tells your WW that you have enough self respect to let her go and raise your children your self.

See brother its all about perception...your is that you love her so much that you are telling your addicted WW ( yes she has an addiction) that no matter what she continues to do you *aren't* going any were. So like with any addict she will continue her unhealthy behavior.

Have you been test for STD's?
Has your WW been test for STD's (again another consequences she must face.

Have you stopped all shared financial accounts...stop financing her adulatory ( another consequences).


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## Chaparral

This sounds like a lot more than you know. She seems to have tendrils everywhere to support her cheating. She did not figure this stuff out over night. She totally looks like an experienced serial cheater. If thats true, it is the worst case possible, prepare your self.

You need to get cell records as far back as you can and check the text count.

If she has a smart phone, you may be able to get deleted texts. Google how to retrieve deleted facebook messages.

Read Thorburns threads, it looks like you married the same woman.

Does she have new underwear you have never seen?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

Link is for new people that have been betrayed, start reading there.


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## Chaparral

There is almost no chance she has stopped. Put a VAR under the drivers seat of her car. Also put one in the house where she is likely to try and sneak a phone call. She may already have a burner phone.

Keylog her computer if she uses one at home.

Open bank etc., accts she cannot get to and take at least half the money out of joint accts. Stop her credit cards if you can.

*BELEIVE NOTHING SHE TELLS YOU*

How many other men have yopu identified? Do you know who they are and how she met them?


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## the guy

SaltInWound said:


> Like The Guy said, you are probably going to see rage, and the closer to the truth and the more you confront, it is going to get worse. I could always tell when my husband was guilty of something. He gave me the silent treatment, and when he decided to speak, it was pure 100% hatred unlike anything you could experience. His eyes were like lasers. Self hate? Not sure. My guess is yes. Of course, my husband had several addictions, so I am sure inside he is a dark mess.


Mrs. the guy was a dark mess for years, finally after 23 years of M she has it together. I actually buried my head in the sand 16 years ago when she first started this adulterous life style. we didn't have FB or CL...she did it the old fashion way and went to bars with her "girl friends"

My wife went 13 years and had 20 OM...and this Christian women was the last person i thought would pick this kind of life style.

Sir you have your work cut out for you...and the reason they call it tough love is cuz it will be hard for you do then it will be for your WW.

My point here having been down this road, I know for a fact you have to be will to let them go...I mean you have to really have the confidence to really let them go, or it don't work.


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## illwill

Bottom line is your wife needs to believe you will divorce her over this. If she thinks your religion will prevent that, then you are in trouble. You need to toughen up right now. And you need to start exposing right now. Being weak or strong on D Day often sets the tone for how and if you recover. By the way, your marriage should not define you. Ever. I'm sorry for your pain and lean on your faith to help you get through this, just don't make it a excuse to stay. That also goes for your kids. Only take a cheater back if you believe they still love and respect you, and only if you can believe there is still a good person in there.

The men who have success here are decisive and are able to learn from the pain of others. Good luck to you. Glad you found this place.


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## the guy

Hey Stumpy, there are some folks coming on board that have been her for a while and have some painful truth to what they post.

Keep in mind that we are here to support you and show you what will be so painful to see especially when you have kids involved and such a strong love for your WW.

But please listen to us, patients and understanding won't stop the addiction your WW has. And the last thing you won't to do is "give her space" thats like taking a crackhead to a crack house.

If you want to save this thing you will have to act swiftly and the sooner your WW gets a taste of her new reality and the consequences that come with it the better off you will be.

Again #1 rule is take care of your self and eat, #2 rule is make the affair as inconvenient and as uncomfortable as possible.

BTW do not let the mind movies take control....force them out...These thoughts of your wife with OM are evil and do not deserve a place in your head.

When I was going thru this hell and the mind movies would creep in I would force them out by telling my self " I deserve good things"

It was mantra that helped me, and i repeated it to my self a hundred time an hour.....always remember 
'I deserve good things"


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## warlock07

someone link him to /thorburn's threads... OP is in severe denial


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## the guy

chapparal said:


> There is almost no chance she has stopped. Put a VAR under the drivers seat of her car. Also put one in the house where she is likely to try and sneak a phone call. She may already have a burner phone.
> 
> Keylog her computer if she uses one at home.
> 
> Open bank etc., accts she cannot get to and take at least half the money out of joint accts. Stop her credit cards if you can.
> 
> *BELEIVE NOTHING SHE TELLS YOU*
> 
> How many other men have you identified? Do you know who they are and how she met them?


:iagree:

now that you know she is cheating this gear like VAR's and key loggers will keep you a few steps ahead of your WW. you will need them to match what she is telling you versus what she is actually doing.

This intel will direct you in the steps you need to take in making the affair/life style as inconvenient and as uncomfortable to continue.


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## the guy

warlock07 said:


> someone link him to /thorburn's threads... OP is in severe denial


I just figured out how to spell check (have you guys noticed) and I've been her for years....I might need another few years to figure out how to attach a link:lol:


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## Anathon

Some people have this addiction. It is a thrill, a challenge- a sickness. You have to talk to professionals and either get her some help and stand by her and realize it may go on for years or forever. Some people can not stop.

Or you close the door before more damage is done to you. It is not an easy choice. Love will cloud your vision but only you can choose your path. I am sorry you have to go through this. Just know it is something many have gone through.


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## B1

You have already gotten some great advice. So I will stick with this. You will survive this, I know it feels completely overwhelming right now, you feel beat up, wounded, defeated. YES it is ALL consuming, it will be for a long while, buckle up and hang on. Listen to what others have said, especially the parts to use a VAR, key logger etc. it sounds like you have a worse care scenario on your hands.

Again, you will get through this, just know it. Many of us, including me have been there. My fWW had a 15 month EA\PA, I am 9 months out and it's definitely better now. Time is your friend here.

Take some time off work if you can, I did, I couldn't work.

If you can get into counseling it can help also.

Sorry you are here but you are in the right place for what you are going through.


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## Chaparral

the guy said:


> I just figured out how to spell check (have you guys noticed) and I've been her for years....I might need another few years to figure out how to attach a link:lol:


Share the wealth. Are you using internet explorer?


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## hookares

The OP needs to face facts. He DOESN'T have a clue when the cheating started nor how extensive, physically it may have been.
First of all, he needs to get checked for VD, then he should consider having paternity tests run on his children.
Lastly, it's likely that HE is the only "Christian" living in his household unless his children are of an age where they can make informed decisions.


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## Chaparral

hookares said:


> The OP needs to face facts. He DOESN'T have a clue when the cheating started nor how extensive, physically it may have been.
> First of all, he needs to get checked for VD, then he should consider having paternity tests run on his children.
> Lastly, it's likely that HE is the only "Christian" living in his household unless his children are of an age where they can make informed decisions.


She sounds like a very, very experienced cheater. Serial cheaters seem to hardwired to cheat. Thorburn's inlaws, now seem to think her behavior may go all the way back to high school.

Even if Stumpy thinks his kids are his, he needs to tell his wife he is going to have DNA tests done and have himself tested for STDs. This also lets her know her betrayal has been total.


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## Chaparral

This is Thorbun's latest thread I think. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/67156-i-am-back-gets-worse.html

Click on his screen name, public profile, and then statistcs to get his other threads.


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## SadSamIAm

So sorry you are going through this. I am sure the advice you are hearing scares you. A persons first reaction is to keep the affair quiet (because it is embarrassing) and to get counseling.

For many cheaters, the secrecy of the affair is what drives it. Makes it exciting and naughty. Exposure kills the affair. It brings it out in the open and ends that part of the excitement. Often the cheater wants their marriage and the affair (cake eating). You need to be strong and ensure she knows that the affair is over or the marriage is over. Filing for divorce is a great way for her to see how serious you are.

Don't beg and plead with her. Don't allow her to place any blame on you for her affair. Being strong is attractive. Don't show any weakness.

Demand names and find out if these men are married. Exposé to their wives what you know. Make your wife tell her parents and siblings what she has been doing.

So sorry you are going through this. Please stay and listen to the advice.


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## jim123

You have to take control. She will not stop until forced and you will not heal.

Ask her to leave and stop D. Expose to everyone.


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## AlphaHalf

First thing. 
-DO NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE, SHE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU KEEP HER AFFAIR SECRET. SHE WILL LIE TO YOU MINIMIZE HER ACTIONS, 

-SHE WILL ONLY ADMIT TO WHAT YOU CAN PROVE.

-YOU WILL PLEAD WITH HER TO TELL THE COMPLETE TRUTH BUT SHE WILL LIE, (she will lie even under oath from God and your children's name.) ONCE YOU FIND OUT SHE HAS LIED AGAIN, SHE WILL TELL ANOTHER LIE TO COVER IT UP.

-SHE MAY MANIPULATE YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF ITS YOUR FAULT FOR HER CHEATING.

-SHE WILL MANIPULATE YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR HER.

-TAKE YOUR WIFE OFF THE PEDESTAL YOU'VE PUT HER ON. REALIZE SHE IS CAPABLE COMMITTING THESE ACTS, AND CAN CONTINUE THESE ACTS EVEN AFTER SHE IS CAUGHT.

-YOUR WIFE HAD A CALCULATED, DELIBERATE SEXUAL AFFAIR USING YOUR CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH AS AN EXCUSE TO SEE OTHER MEN.

-SHE HAS FULL COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, AND WHY SHE DECIDED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH OTHER MAN.

-*YOU MUST EXPOSE HER AFFAIRS. NOT EXPOSING THE AFFAIRS WILL ENABLE HER TO CONTINUE. AFFAIRS THRIVE IN SECRECY. *


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## bryanp

1. Get the both of you tested for STD's.
2. See an attorney just to understand your options.


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## cantthinkstraight

AlphaHalf said:


> First thing.
> -DO NOT TRUST YOUR WIFE, SHE WILL SAY ANYTHING TO MAKE YOU KEEP HER AFFAIR SECRET. SHE WILL LIE TO YOU MINIMIZE HER ACTIONS,
> 
> -SHE WILL ONLY ADMIT TO WHAT YOU CAN PROVE.
> 
> -YOU WILL PLEAD WITH HER TO TELL THE COMPLETE TRUTH BUT SHE WILL LIE, (she will lie even under oath from God and your children's name.) ONCE YOU FIND OUT SHE HAS LIED AGAIN, SHE WILL TELL ANOTHER LIE TO COVER IT UP.
> 
> -SHE MAY MANIPULATE YOU TO MAKE YOU FEEL AS IF ITS YOUR FAULT FOR HER CHEATING.
> 
> -SHE WILL MANIPULATE YOU TO FEEL SORRY FOR HER.
> 
> -TAKE YOUR WIFE OFF THE PEDESTAL YOU'VE PUT HER ON. REALIZE SHE IS CAPABLE COMMITTING THESE ACTS, AND CAN CONTINUE THESE ACTS EVEN AFTER SHE IS CAUGHT.
> 
> -YOUR WIFE HAD A CALCULATED, DELIBERATE SEXUAL AFFAIR USING YOUR CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH AS AN EXCUSE TO SEE OTHER MEN.
> 
> -SHE HAS FULL COMPLETE KNOWLEDGE OF WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, AND WHY SHE DECIDED TO HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH OTHER MAN.
> 
> -*YOU MUST EXPOSE HER AFFAIRS. NOT EXPOSING THE AFFAIRS WILL ENABLE HER TO CONTINUE. AFFAIRS THRIVE IN SECRECY. *


:iagree:


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## mablenc

B1 said:


> You have already gotten some great advice. So I will stick with this. You will survive this, I know it feels completely overwhelming right now, you feel beat up, wounded, defeated. YES it is ALL consuming, it will be for a long while, buckle up and hang on. Listen to what others have said, especially the parts to use a VAR, key logger etc. it sounds like you have a worse care scenario on your hands.
> 
> Again, you will get through this, just know it. Many of us, including me have been there. My fWW had a 15 month EA\PA, I am 9 months out and it's definitely better now. Time is your friend here.
> 
> Take some time off work if you can, I did, I couldn't work.
> 
> 
> If you can get into counseling it can help also.
> 
> Sorry you are here but you are in the right place for what you are going through.


I second this, if you tell your doctor how you feel which is sever anxiety and depression he can excuse you from work. You are protected from losing your job for up to 12 weeks under the FMLA act if you have been employed for over a year.If your employer has short term disability you can continue to get paid. Also check to see if your employer has an employee assistance program you can get counseling and even see an attorney for a discounted price.

I would suggest asking your doctor for something to sleep, you can think clearer that way. 

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded

Cheaters want to rug sweep because they don't want anyone knowing what they've done.

Whatever else you do, don't help her do that.


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## carmen ohio

Dear Stumpy1970,

Please see the advice I gave today to 2013simonandlloyd

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...-finding-out-im-devastated-2.html#post1517670

as it applies to you, too.

Actually, your situation is much worse than this. You would be well advised to expose what she has done to family and friends and file for divorce immediately, as nothing short of this is likely to bring your WW out of the fog of her affair(s).

As a fellow Christian, I also advise you to pray hard about this. But pray for what you need -- wisdom and strength -- not for what you want -- a happy ending.

You need wisdom to discern what kinds of behavior will most help your WW and children, not to mention yourself. You need to be strong, for yourself, for your WW and for your children.

Weakness on your part will be fatal to your marriage, your children's well-being and your future happiness. The Lord commands us to be loving of all others, even those who abuse us. But He also commands us to oppose evil in all its forms rather than ignoring or giving in to it. What your WW is doing is truly evil. She needs to stop. Nothing will help her understand this better than if her actions become known to all who she cares about and if she is confronted with the prospect of the break up of her family.

I am praying for you and your family.


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## Stumpy1970

Wow, what a wonderful find this post has been, everything you guys are saying is true. Trying to blame me, wanting to keep things a secret. She acts truly sorry but still deflects the blame elsewhere. I told her until she faces what she has done without any buts things can't move on. Not only to me but ultimately to God. I won't even entertain the idea that the kids are not mine. If a test God forbid were to prove anything they are still my life and I am still Daddy. It is also true she makes me feel sorry for her, and believe it or not I hurt to see her hurting. I think God gave me a gift today when I took her off of the cell phone account and replaced her smart phone with a basic phone with restrictions. She exploded on me in anger and rage. I told her that I would think that would be the last think I was worried about if I were in her shoes. I did hit a point when she was just outraged, like a lady said in one of these post her eyes were like lasers. I did at that point cross a point where God let me know I will be ok with or without her. I don't know if I am worse because instead of her just cheating I saw and read 6 months worth of daily messages, some where she was bad mouthing me while she lay in my bed beside me. I can't get the images and words out of my mind. Thank you all, it really helps just to get some of this out to others who have been down this road.


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## SadSamIAm

Give her a deadline to tell her parents and siblings what she has done. Maybe give her a day or two. If she hasn't exposed, then you do it. 

Find out who these men are. If they are married tell their wives. Don't tell your wife you are doing this. If you do, she will warn them and they will paint you as a jealous husband.


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## illwill

You need to keep a sense of urgency about this. Tell her if her attitude is the same in 48 hrs, you will reconsider staying in this marriage. AND MEAN IT. Enough of this silliness. And tell her this week she has two options: FILE FOR DIVORCE OR START EXPOSING TO BOTH IN LAWS.


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## SadSamIAm

You need to find out who these men are and tell their wives.

1). Because they deserve to know what their husbands are doing

More importantly though

2). Because they will throw your wife under the bus. They are using her for sex. They won't want to give up their life for a cheating sleaze. This will wake your wife up quicker.


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## AlphaHalf

> Give her a deadline to tell her parents and siblings what she has done. Maybe give her a day or two. If she hasn't exposed, then you do it.



Do not give her a deadline as she will only minimize her actions and attempt to slant it in her favor. YOU SHOULD EXPOSE HER AFFAIR.


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## AngryandUsed

Stumps,


Stay strong.
Don't plead. Don't beg.

Please don't do the mistakes most of us did.


She is not going to come clean. Take it.

Take time, contemplate well before you decide on anything.


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## RWB

Stump,

Do hold your breath... By that I mean you have discovered a lot but believe me there is always more. When I caught my wife, at first it appeared to be a short affair with an old college BF. Over the next few weeks, I found out she had been serially cheating with multiple men over a 6 years stretch. Your wife has been cheating on you for years on end. In time, you will "discover" this and more. 

See, once a cheater crosses that bridge, all restraint mechanisms are off. It becomes an addiction and your wife needed her fix. I know you are disgusted with her and reference her religious hypocrisy. Brother, religion has nothing to due with it, my wife had no problem sitting next to me in church, holding hands and praying for our children. An hour later, she is texting her lover planning their next hotel-no-tell meeting. Serial cheaters are masters of compartmentalizing. 

Lastly, don't take this harsh...

You really need to Lawyer-up regardless of final direction you take. Do NOT tell your wife anything regarding preparations, exposure, finances, investigations. Do your job, take care of children, home, pay the bills. No more crying, no promises, take charge of your new life. The old one is no-more.


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## Machiavelli

Brother Stumpy, I've put some extremely useful links in this response. Read the full reply first and then you need to click through and read the links. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> I hope this is not to long, I can't begin to explain the emotions and pains I find myself going through. One second I am crying, the next I'm confused, the next I'm overwhelmed with rage. I am 43 years old, love my wife and family more than anything, they after my Christian Faith define who I am. 22 years, 3 wonderful children, Christian home, dedicated church members. I can't understand how this happened.


Most likely for several reasons. This is not an uncommon occurrence in Christian marriages these days, particularly when the H is buying into a lot of the unbiblical marriage and relationship teachings that are currently rampant in Churchian circles. Welcome to the reality of the Churchian female, sorry the scales had to be clawed out of your eyes in such a brutal fashion.



Stumpy1970 said:


> It started a year and a half ago, I never look at the details of our phone bill but just pay it, this month I noticed that my wife had more text messages than my 2 teenage daughters combined. I looked and the majority were to 2 seperate men, at all times of the day and all hours of the night. I confronted her and in retrospect not very smart I trusted and believed her when she said it was old HS friends she had reconnected with on Facebook, I looked back and although the public post were not bad, I could tell they were flirty and just didn't feel right. *I asked her to please stop*.,


You _asked _her to quit? And who is supposed to be the "head of the woman?" This kind of Delta, bordering on Gamma, behavior does not promote sexual attraction in women, not Christian, Satanist, pagan, or atheist. Women have a limbic (autonomic) sexual response to *male power *not to male spirituality.Your fear of God doesn't really create sexual desire in your women. Your wife may have married you in large part due to your Christian beliefs for the simple reason that she knew she could expect you to keep her commitments to her and to her children. If she ever even had a visceral sexual attraction to you, she's lost it. Probably long ago. Most likely, she sees you as what is often called a "Beta Provider", a good man who'll be her beast of burden through life, while she finds sexual fulfillment elsewhere. 

Furthermore, when you respond to this type of provocation with a doormat move, like _asking_ her to quit, this actually even decreases any remaining attraction she has to you. The proper response would have been more like that of Jesus dealing with the moneychangers. At several levels, actually.

Once again this is unmanly behavior that absolutely feeds her addiction to other men. Ever heard the story of Abigail and David? Read up on it. You play the part of Abigail's husband. Or maybe Bathsheba and David, ever heard that one? You get to be Uriah. Women in the Bible are always after the Alphas and the Sigmas. Just like today. Time for you to alpha up.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I also asked her to give up her Facebook, she protested this so strong I knew something was up. She had like 6000 friends, and I told her if she needed a Facebook to keep up with friends and family we could have one together. I forgot to mention on her page she was listed as single with her phone number posted, no mention of me at all.


Why in sheol did you tolerate her listing herself as single? 



Stumpy1970 said:


> She finally agreed to give it up and we committed our marrage back to The Lord and moved on.


We? Maybe you did those things, she was faking. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> Then a few days ago she got a new phone from a normal upgrade, looking for some legal papers I found where she had hid her old phone. My heart was broken as I discovered she had been living a double life, she had a fake name on face book and has been talking to these guys under a fake identity. I could only see a few text from a app called Tiger Text, this way they would not be on our bill.


Did she set up the fake facebook after you closed down her original page or had she had it for a while? Have you tracked her computer history? Are these guys actually old HS boyfriends or something else? Do you have their IDs?

The texting app would indicate she's either an experienced long term cheater (you marriage dynamic would suggest this is the case) and she's been at it so long she got overconfident with the texts on her phone. If she's not experienced, then one of her boyfriends is or she's on a cheater forum or some cheater meet up site. You need to keylog her computer.



Stumpy1970 said:


> The problem is the few I saw were vulgar sex messages about what they would do to one another.


Vulgar? She speaks street Latin? Oh, you mean they were sexual and of a nasty, depraved, and generally kinky nature. I get it. Yes, those messages are standard adulteress type things. She probably also sent him lots of photos and phone videos of herself as well.



Stumpy1970 said:


> This guy lives out of state so when I confronted her she admitted the fake names and said the messages were just very inappropriate conversation. I was devastated, crushed not only did this feel like cheating with no contact,


Cheating with no contact? How do you figure that? Are you Amish? In the English speaking world we have shiny new devices called cars and planes that allow internet adulteresses to consummate their transcontinental cybersex IRL. Ever heard the phrase, "She's a sure thing." Guys will drive 24 hours straight for a "sure thing" if she's hot enough. And no matter what your wife looks like, there is some clown out there who thinks she's hot enough.



Stumpy1970 said:


> but the mother of my children would talk this way.


She may very well be the mother of your children, that remains to be seen, but she's still a woman with a woman's needs and desires. Just because she's a Christian, or pretends to be one, doesn't mean she doesn't want some Alpha or Sigma dude to pound the σκύβαλα (to use Paul's term) out of her on a frequent basis.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I begged her to tell me if there was more, she cried and I actually felt hurt to see her hurting, we made love that night and although I was still devastated I loved her so, it was such a tender and intimate night.


She didn't cry because she was hurting. She was crying because of the exposure of the real her. BTW, "tender and intimate" was not the right prescription. KWIM? Think about it.



Stumpy1970 said:


> The phone was in my truck and when I got to my office that day not thinking much about it I put the still powered up phone in my desk drawer, then I start hearing the sounds of receiving messages. It had connected to my wifi and was moving data, the same guy that morning. Then I looked at her fake name Facebook and my world came crashing down. She was sending this other guy not only vulgar, and I mean vulgar messages she had been meeting him on a regular basis for *at least* the past year, all of the private chats were there for that long.


Well, there you go. The fake Facebook has been up and running for at least a year, so that answers that question about when she started it. So, you know your wife has been adulterating your lineage, or at least attempting to do so. Leviticus says this is a death penalty offense for her and her lovers, Jesus strongly implies that divorce is the best option in Matt 5:32, although He doesn't require it. The death penalty is off the table, so that leaves divorce or reconciliation.

BTW, did you look on her phone or computers for video? For some reason, women get over that aversion to performing sex acts on camera when they're in an affair. I guaranteed the OMs have some video of your wife in action.



Stumpy1970 said:


> One Saturday night lying in the bed beside me she told him that my son was sick so she was going to Church alone, she would come see him on her way and tell me she had to go to store and have more time after church, she sent pictures of her privates, and told explicit details of what she wanted to do thay made me blush.


The fact that you would blush, at age 43, over female sexuality tells me that you have drank deeply from the churchian kool-aid, which is diametrically in opposition to the truth about women and men as presented in the Bible. You should have exploded in a towering rage of righteous anger and cleansed the Temple, or at least your house.

Brother Stumpy, you would be amazed at how many fine, upstanding "Christian" women will use any excuse to cut church when the BH is stuck at home so they can work in a tryst with their playmates and come home and talk about what a great service it was.

Your wife is playing her role from the standard script, line by line. Nothing new here, seen it all before. it's pretty much stereotypical behavior for at least 20% of "Christian" women. I personally think it's probably more like 50%, but the others are able to get themselves together and either repent or carry on without blowing their cover. BH is none the wiser. It's estimated by social scientists that 80% of affairs remain undiscovered by the BH. Your wife just got sloppy.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I love her and my kids don't know yet, I think we should tell them but she is fighting that.


Before you tell the kids, do a DNA swab. Tell them you've gotten interested in genealogy or something. These may not even be your kids, even if they look like you.

How old are your kids?



Stumpy1970 said:


> I would like to save my marrage and she says she would to. I need some advice, I am so hurt I don't know if I will heal, this may sound strange but right now I don't want to kiss or touch her, she seems un pure or dirty in some way, will I ever get over this.


It depends on your sex drive. If you get horny enough, she may start looking better to you. 

What is her sexual history before she married you?

She doesn't want to end the marriage because you are her financial security. As I said, you're the so-called "Beta Provider", her beast of burden. Does your wife work outside the home?



Stumpy1970 said:


> I am so messed up right now, it consumes me. I can't sleep I can't eat, I can't concentrate on my job. One second I'm sobbing and the next I'm so angry I could throw something. If anyone has any advice please help me, my family is my world, they are everything I have and everything that I am.


Well,* the first bit of advice* is don't let her ever see you crying and while there was a time when anger would have been good to show, that time is past. Right now you need to rework your persona into something that is sexually attractive to women. You're not there at all right now. Think: David. "The man after God's own heart." You need to conform yourself to this physical image:









It's much easier to do than you think. Women's limbic system is programmed to respond to that V torso. You need to get this physique whether or not you stay or move on.

All your behavior from here on out must project the attitude of cool detached observer status on your part. Much as if you've always really expected this kind of behavior on her part (knock her off the churchian woman pedestal you've had her on) and she's now just another slvt to you (even though you don't actually feel that way). Make it clear that you have options other than her. You probably don't, but don't let her know that.

See, despite what women say, they are most attracted to bad boys who exhibit the Dark Triad of traits; and who is badder than the guy who takes pleasure from lying with his neighbor's wife? The very thought of it excites them sexually; someone wants them enough to risk their very life to have her. That's about the ultimate turn-on for a woman. In their prefrontal cortex, they are horrified by the fact that they are sexually aroused at the idea of exhibitionism and adultery, but in adulteresses the limbic overrides the cortex. Also, adultery sex, as you have discovered, is far more wild and exciting to women than tender Delta male lovemaking. It's a woman's chance to release her inner slvt that can never be revealed to a semi-emasculated churchian husband. This is why you need to Davidize your behavior and your appearance.

Keep cool. Change your haircut to something completely different. Quit all grain and sugar and in few weeks you will have a flat stomach. Start a hard core bodybuilding program to get that David physique. "Bodily exercise profiteth little," but "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" Right now, the Almighty wants you to get to work on His house. No excuses, He's tired of living in that dump and wants some serious renovation.

Change your wardrobe. Start dressing way sharper and wearing suits or at least sport coats, with and without ties. Dress like a very successful 30 year old. Get on the internet and find out about that.

All of the above is the same advice whether or not you divorce or reconcile.

On a related note, how often are you tempted by women? When I say "tempted by women" I mean how often do women come up to you and start flirting with you and showing signs and behaviors indicating attraction. Do you even know what those behaviors are? When was the last time a woman other than your wife approached you and asked you outright for sex?

*The second thing* is you need to find out if you're the father of your kids and how far back this behavior goes. You need to interrogate her extensively. Read up on interrogation techniques and body language under interrogation before you do it. You want to look for "tell" behavior. Then follow this up with a polygraph.

The third thing you need to do is to forget anything you learned, or thought you learned, in church about women. Other than the way women actually acted in the Bible. Think Sarah, not objecting at all when Abraham was pimping her out, Abigail and Bathsheba when they were throwing over their husbands to get under David, Ruth and Naomi plotting Boaz's seduction on the threshing floor, Esther going after Xerses, etc etc. Hebrew women, always with the hypergamy for hotter men. Well, that's most women everywhere. 

If you haven't been able to glean any of this from reading your Bible, and you haven't, even though what women want is extensively covered in the Bible (Ezekiel 23:20 for instance), but those unsavory facts are rarely discussed in church and even outside of church, 99% of people read their Bible through churchian rose colored glasses. So, since you haven't picked up on this from the big book, here are some other sources for you:


Married Man Sex Life Primer - written by a godless apostate, but still fully factual for the most part. It's the fastest way to get you up to speed, but it is still a PRIMER as in: "See Jane. See Jane run. See Jane run to D¡ck."

The main point this guy makes is that you have to look and act like a man to keep your wife attracted to you and that means work. Since he is at least an ex-churchian, he does have full insight into low level Christian male doormatism and the accompanying pedestalization of Christian females.


The guy also runs an excellent blog where he goes into much more depth on these issues.

Alpha Game Plan - written from the Christian perspective.

Dalrock - also from the Christian perspective.

And lastly, the Chateau. It's pagan and crass and very "vulgar" to use your term, but it is very revealing. This is where would-be seducers, who aren't real Alphas and Sigmas, learn what women really want and how to ape those behaviors. Like I said, it's very revealing.

BTW, even those Christian sites may be too "vulgar" for you, get over it. If you need help getting past it, just read what the Lord has to say about Israel and Judah as his "wh0re wives" in Ezekiel and Jeremiah. This is the behavior of your wife and you need to read up.

You also need to get the full story going back to the start of your marriage so you can find out what exactly it is that you are forgiving. Note: forgiving does not equate to not divorcing. 

Lastly, you've got to understand that 80% of the women are sexually attracted to only the "top" 20% of men. It's called the Pareto Principle. This has been understood for a long time by science. Very biblical, too, in that the marriage customs of the Bible were ordered according to this reality. A recent study showed that women rated 80% of the males they reviewed in photographs to be only "average," so nothing has changed since the dawn of time. Whatever happens with your WW, you need to get in that 20% to assure happiness going forward.


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## MattMatt

chapparal said:


> Share the wealth. Are you using internet explorer?


Or like me? I fix my dyslexia with Firefox!:smthumbup:


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## the guy

Remember don't let those evil words and thought dwell in your head...force them out as soon as they enter

Remember "I deserve good things" repeat as necessary!

Every minute of every hour this evil will try to enter your mind so this is a battle in your own mind...you can win by not allowing to stay in your head.

BTW, I did the same thing with my WW cell it was one of the best move I did.

Just like my FWW your has the choice to go get her own...a reality that shows what will happen if she continues.

If she keeps it up getting a new phone plan won;t be the only thing she will need to get....like a new apartment.

Have you finacially protect your self by closing the joint accounts?


----------



## the guy

One more thing brother.
Just so you know the DNA test isn't about proving if the kids are your or not you will always be there father.

The DNA test is a tactic in giving your wife the consequences for the destruction she has done and is doing. The DNA statement lets your wife see the pain she has created and its a statement that pulls her out of this fantasy.

See her selfish behavior not only effect you but the whole family. This is one of the biggest things a DNA test will bring to her new reality.

Again the kids will alway be your no matter what!

her fantasy has to have consequences so the phone was a start now ask her to go down with you to the family doctor and the both of you get the STD test. Then ask her for a strand of hair from her so you can check the kids DNA.

You think the phone thing pissed her off wait until you start doubting her cleanlyness and you being the kids real father!!!!


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## verpin zal

After confrontation, there should not be any sex. After confrontation, there should be consequences, presented to the wayward.

Post-confrontation sex is translated by the WS as "heh, washed hands clean rather quickly as the wayward I am. There wasn't even any need for waterworks, only minimal, if that. Nicely done."


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## SaltInWound

RWB said:


> Do hold your breath... By that I mean you have discovered a lot but believe me *there is always more*.


Holds so true I quoted it in my signature.


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## Atholk

Machiavelli said:


> Married Man Sex Life Primer - *written by a godless apostate,* but still fully factual for the most part. It's the fastest way to get you up to speed, but it is still a PRIMER as in: "See Jane. See Jane run. See Jane run to D¡ck."
> 
> The main point this guy makes is that you have to look and act like a man to keep your wife attracted to you and that means work. *Since he is at least an ex-churchian*, he does have full insight into low level Christian male doormatism and the accompanying pedestalization of Christian females.
> 
> 
> The guy also runs an excellent blog where he goes into much more depth on these issues.


For the record I took my faith extremely seriously and this godless apostate has a fabulous track record of repairing marriages of all religious viewpoints.

I appreciate the linkage... the insults... not so much.


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## Machiavelli

Atholk said:


> For the record I took my faith extremely seriously and this godless apostate has a fabulous track record of repairing marriages of all religious viewpoints.


And that's why I recommended you to everyone, including churchians.



Atholk said:


> I appreciate the linkage... the insults... not so much.


If I have mischaracterized your position, I apologize with utmost sincerity.


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## terrence4159

in order to save any marriage (if thats what you want) you have to be willing to lose it stumpy. EXPOSE the affair to everyone by everyone all her family all your family and all your friends and church goers. and file for divorce (you can stop the D if she proves she has changed)


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## ThePheonix

Machiavelli said:


> You _asked _her to quit? And who is supposed to be the "head of the woman?" This kind of Delta, bordering on Gamma, behavior does not promote sexual attraction in women, not Christian, Satanist, pagan, or atheist. Women have a limbic (autonomic) sexual response to *male power *not to male spirituality.Your fear of God doesn't really create sexual desire in your women. Your wife may have married you in large part due to your Christian beliefs for the simple reason that she knew she could expect you to keep her commitments to her and to her children. If she ever even had a visceral sexual attraction to you, she's lost it. Probably long ago. Most likely, she sees you as what is often called a "Beta Provider", a good man who'll be her beast of burden through life, while she finds sexual fulfillment elsewhere.


Well Mach, I can refreshingly see you're no rookie dealing with women and on the far right side of the bell curve, in the population of men, of understanding what makes them tick. Hell man, you're probably in the third standard deviation from the mean. I was well into my late thirties before I had a clue. (I love the phrase, "Beta Provider". That absolutely describes it.)
My only recommendation to Stumpy, in respect to "asking her quit", is to tell her to hit the road. He shouldn’t take her back because it happened once. Any reconciliation he may have in mind can’t turn into a great marriage for one reason; he can never trust her again and will spend the rest of his life with her wondering if she's back into photography and bringing the picture to life.


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## happyman64

Stumpy

You have received a lot of good advice here from my fellow Tammers.

Breathe, Breathe.

It is a lot to take in right now.

Just remember you are going to find out more.

Your wife is still lying to you and that just shows you where her head is right now.

Stay firm. Expose her behavior.

Secure your evidence so she cannot deny it.

And most of all take care of yourself.

Do not rush to any long term decisions. I am glad you killed her smart phone.

Keep taking back control, secure your finances and stay tough on her.

HM64


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## jim123

Stumpy1970 said:


> Wow, what a wonderful find this post has been, everything you guys are saying is true. Trying to blame me, wanting to keep things a secret. She acts truly sorry but still deflects the blame elsewhere. I told her until she faces what she has done without any buts things can't move on. Not only to me but ultimately to God. I won't even entertain the idea that the kids are not mine. If a test God forbid were to prove anything they are still my life and I am still Daddy. It is also true she makes me feel sorry for her, and believe it or not I hurt to see her hurting. I think God gave me a gift today when I took her off of the cell phone account and replaced her smart phone with a basic phone with restrictions. She exploded on me in anger and rage. I told her that I would think that would be the last think I was worried about if I were in her shoes. I did hit a point when she was just outraged, like a lady said in one of these post her eyes were like lasers. I did at that point cross a point where God let me know I will be ok with or without her. I don't know if I am worse because instead of her just cheating I saw and read 6 months worth of daily messages, some where she was bad mouthing me while she lay in my bed beside me. I can't get the images and words out of my mind. Thank you all, it really helps just to get some of this out to others who have been down this road.


You have to get control. Ask her to leave and expose to everyonr. She will find a way to keep it going,


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## lordmayhem

I'm going to give you the unbiased, straight up truth and it's going to hurt, but you NEED to read/hear this.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I am 43 years old, love my wife and family more than anything, they after my Christian Faith define who I am. 22 years, 3 wonderful children, Christian home, dedicated church members.


It doesn't matter how so-called religious your WW, she can cheat. They can even swear to God, swear on the Bible itself, swear on the children's lives, being religious is no guarantee of faithfulness. One couple we know, they were both extremely active in church, being in the choir, leading the church festivities, the wife was even a canter, singing in front of the congregation every mass. Well guess what? She had a workplace affair and they are now divorced. What a so-called Christian woman, huh? My own fWW swore on the Holy Bible itself that there was nothing going on.

Fake Christians who are cheaters rationalize it away that they are forgiven and twist the word of God in order to do what they do. Forgiveness ONLY comes with repentance, that you do not sin anymore. Even when Jesus forgave Mary Magdalene, he told her to sin no more.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I also asked her to give up her Facebook, she protested this so strong I knew something was up. She had like *6000 friends*, and I told her if she needed a Facebook to keep up with friends and family we could have one together. I forgot to mention on her page *she was listed as single* with her *phone number posted, no mention of me at all*.


WTF? Who the frak needs 6000 friends? And she has the nerve to list herself as single and give out her phone number? What a Christian Woman. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> She *finally* agreed to give it up and we committed our marrage back to The Lord and moved on. Then a few days ago she got a new phone from a normal upgrade, looking for some legal papers *I found where she had hid her old phone*.


The operative word being: finally. In other words, she did so unwillingly, under duress. Absolutely no sign of remorse. Now you got her another smart phone. I'll lay odds that she's back at it again, this time under yet another fake name and account and is back in contact with the OM. A truly remorseful cheater will move heaven and earth, give up anything, to make it up to their betrayed spouse. Yet she only does so under duress. You're headed toward False R there stumpy.



Stumpy1970 said:


> My heart was broken as I discovered she had been living a double life, *she had a fake name on face book *and has been talking to these guys under a fake identity.


We call this here, Cake Eating, as in the phrase, having their cake and eating it too. In other words, you're the provider, while she has fun with other men. My own fWW had a fake name and fake account.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I could only see a few text from *a app called Tiger Text*, this way they would not be on our bill.


Ah, the cheater app. There is no way to recover the texts using this app. It's almost as if its specifically designed for cheaters. Now, this is worrisome. Fact: your WW made the effort to create a fake persona AND used a cheater texting app. From all the thousands of stories that I've read, this is NOT a first time cheater move. This is learned from experience, coaching, or other sources. She may also be going to the cheater sites like AM. She *MAY* be an experienced serial cheater.



Stumpy1970 said:


> I was devastated, crushed not only did this feel like cheating with no contact, but the mother of my children would talk this way.


As I said, she's a master cake eater. That means she's completely able to compartmentalize her affair from her married life. She obviously had you fooled into believe she was a faithful Christian woman, when in fact, she was being a .....you know what. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> I begged her to tell me if there was more, *she cried and I actually felt hurt to see her hurting*, we made love that night and although I was still devastated I loved her so, it was such a tender and intimate night.


Cheaters usually play two cards: The pity party card/woe is me card, or the you're controlling/insecure card. Either method means she wants to sweep this under the rug. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> The phone was in my truck and when I got to my office that day not thinking much about it I put the still powered up phone in my desk drawer, then I start hearing the sounds of receiving messages. It had connected to my wifi and was moving data, the same guy that morning. Then I looked at her fake name Facebook and my world came crashing down. *She was sending this other guy not only vulgar, and I mean vulgar messages she had been meeting him on a regular basis for the past year, all of the private chats were there for that long*.


So even after D-Day, she breaks NC with the OM and continues with the affair. Is this the actions of someone who is remorseful and wants to save the marriage? Obviously not. 

And now, you know that your marriage for the past year (maybe longer), has been a lie. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> I love her and my kids don't know yet, I think we should tell them but *she is fighting that*. I would like to save my marrage and *she says she would to*.


Of course she doesn't want to be exposed, but she needs to be. She needs to suffer the consequences, or else she learns nothing and she will continue her behavior. Without consequences, nothing is learned. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> Trying to blame me, wanting to keep things a secret. She *acts* truly sorry but still deflects the blame elsewhere.


Blameshifting 101. Completely by the script in the cheaters handbook. She only acts sorry, she's not sorry at all. Don't be manipulated. 



Stumpy1970 said:


> It is also true she makes me feel sorry for her, and believe it or not I hurt to see her hurting.


And now you're falling for the manipulation by her playing the pity party card. Who is the betrayed spouse here? You are! She is playing you big time. She should be compassionate toward YOUR feelings, instead she wants to appear as the the betrayed party. Don't you see the manipulation?



Stumpy1970 said:


> I think God gave me a gift today when I took her off of the cell phone account and replaced her smart phone with a basic phone with restrictions. *She exploded on me in anger and rage*.


She exploded with anger and rage. Way to show remorse, huh?



Stumpy1970 said:


> I don't know if I am worse because instead of her just cheating I saw and read 6 months worth of daily messages, some where *she was bad mouthing me while she lay in my bed beside me*. I can't get the images and words out of my mind. Thank you all, it really helps just to get some of this out to others who have been down this road.


*Demonizing the betrayed spouse* is the most common thing cheaters do. Not all, but most of them do that. Sorry that you're going to have movies for a long time about what they did. 

Now Stumpy1970, you need to see this chart. It shows the difference between True Remorse and Rugsweeping. From what you've posted about her actions, she is definitely all in the right column. 










If you dont' follow the advice of the others on this thread, I guarantee you that you will be in False R, otherwise known as False Reconciliation. She has to do the heavy lifting to save this marriage, not you.


----------



## old timer

Listen and heed the advice you are being given here, Stump. 

It's bitter medicine - but it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## AlphaHalf

You cannot be surprised about how your wife being a "devote christian" could possibly have an affair. As you know there are Catholic Priests (any religion at that) who have sexually abused children. It doesn't matter how a person "appears" to be faithful, its there true actions behind the scenes that counts.


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## stacey12

Hi, your situation is really hearthbreaking and saddening. BUt on a girls point of view, you need to think first why she did it.. There are a lot of reasons why girl cheats.. why don't you read on this post that might help you understand her more and why she cheated on you.. If you really want her back in your life or if you want to fix things you need to understand her.. read on the post so you'll be enlightened. Why Women Cheat | Topic Tower


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## MrQuatto

stacey12 said:


> Hi, your situation is really hearthbreaking and saddening. BUt on a girls point of view, you need to think first why she did it.. There are a lot of reasons why girl cheats.. why don't you read on this post that might help you understand her more and why she cheated on you.. If you really want her back in your life or if you want to fix things you need to understand her.. read on the post so you'll be enlightened. Why Women Cheat | Topic Tower


Stacey, while I agree some of those are involved some of the time, there are usually problem on both sides of the relationship and those simply cant be explained in a paragraph bullet point.


----------



## Machiavelli

ThePheonix said:


> Well Mach, I can refreshingly see you're no rookie dealing with women and on the far right side of the bell curve, in the population of men, of understanding what makes them tick. Hell man, you're probably in the third standard deviation from the mean. I was well into *my late thirties before I had a clue. * (I love the phrase, "Beta Provider". That absolutely describes it.)
> My only recommendation to Stumpy, in respect to "asking her quit", is to tell her to hit the road. He shouldn’t take her back because it happened once. Any reconciliation he may have in mind can’t turn into a great marriage for one reason; he can never trust her again and will spend the rest of his life with her wondering if she's back into photography and bringing the picture to life.


Then you're way ahead of where I was at the same age. The funny thing is, by the time you halfway get the picture, it's too late to really use the information. Youth is wasted on the young.


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## ThePheonix

Machiavelli said:


> The funny thing is, by the time you halfway get the picture, it's too late to really use the information. Youth is wasted on the young.


Ain't that the truth. I spent an untold amount of time wondering why the good, sensitive, guy ended up with his d--k in the dirt while the bad boy creep got all the tang. It took many years for me to figure out that you ain't gonna keep a woman by being their whimpy "girlfriend", servant, or gofor.


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## krismimo

I'm sorry you are you here and what is more trouble some is that your wife of 22 yrs from all accounts might be/or is a serial cheater.Worst of the worst.

It may come to a surprise to some on here, but I grew up in a tight knit christian home as well unless you grew up with it I understand the added insult to injury so to speak as far taking your vowels seriously and on another level. Please tell me If I'm wrong and there are going to be some questions that might be hot under the collar so to speak and you don't have to answer them on here but more of something to ask yourself or reevaluate. 

This is my utmost humble opinion I have been on two sides of the coin to speak as someone who grew up in christian home and someone who was also cheated on. As of today I'm more spiritual than christian. But I know what comes with added responsibility, without us knowing it, there is a unspoken added pressure to be a certain way in a church community one misstep and next thing you know you are the next hot thing to talk about under hair dyers and in between hymns on Sunday morning. So one has to be careful not just in front of your peers but also in front of God. That is the person we do not want to disappoint the most. 

And then there is marriage one of the most sacred commitment 
one can make with another person and before God. And depending on your beliefs you don't believe in divorce so this is it this is the person who you will be with until the day you die.

But then something changes, through all the nice soccer games, and bible studies, the cook outs, the many holidays something surfaces and that something in my humble opinion is what your wife is looking for. When I was growing up in an in inadvertently way we were taught to suppress our desires to not think this way or do this that is a sin in fact that hidden suppression can even lead into a marital bed, we can't do this or that because depending on the views it might thought of as sinful or ****ty. Or worse yet we might let down our partner in our true desires because if that happens we might open a Pandora's box that we can not close.

You and your wife have been married for 22 years. I think she got bored with the routine she got bored playing the good girl and she wanted to try something different. It might be a possibility that there were clues all along, (You just have to think a little harder). It could be something she wanted you to try sexually and you frowned upon it. (Please correct me If I'm wrong). Or you weren't interested and it wasn't you cup of tea. Or she never mentioned this at all to you and you are just now finding out everything.

What is my point in all this? By no means am I saying part of this is your vault because at the end of the day she chose to step outside your marriage and she needs to own up her part in this. What I'am saying is that I think her affairs and her life as a christian is obviously colliding it's not quite a mid life crisis but something has changed, and whatever she got a hold of is very hard to let go of. 

You are in shock right now because you just found what what she did. If you two are truly going to reconcile she really needs to dig deep and get to the why of it or you will never have peace. You two sound as if your sexually incompatible and if that is the root of it she needs to be honest with you (It might hurt or she might tell you things you didn't expect.) But if she opens up and tells you the truth you two might have a chance. She got caught so she really needs to do some soul searching in what she wants out of her marriage or it wont work and a few years later you will be right back to where you started. 

What also is a concern is that I feel that even if she did get caught she knew you probably wouldn't divorce her because of your beliefs.

By all means I hope I didn't offend you at all, I just think your wife may have needs and desires that she may not feel comfortable with talking or doing with you but that doesn't make it ok AT ALL. But I also understand growing up in christian home how some things are looked down upon especially when it comes to sexual desires. However if your wife loves you and your family she will put on her big girl panties and fight for her marriage. I also wanted to ask because I didn't want to assume Are you open to divorce? Or is divorce not a option for you?

I wish you the best and I'm sorry you are here but you are getting great help here.

-Kris


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

stacey12 said:


> Hi, your situation is really hearthbreaking and saddening. BUt on a girls point of view, you need to think first why she did it.. There are a lot of reasons why girl cheats.. why don't you read on this post that might help you understand her more and why she cheated on you.. If you really want her back in your life or if you want to fix things you need to understand her.. read on the post so you'll be enlightened. Why Women Cheat | Topic Tower


SHE needs to understand why she did it and this might help him have some perspective and may be useful in his next marriage (either to someone else or after R - because this marriage is dead) BUT understand that for him, it really shouldn't matter WHY his wife cheated. He certainly deserves no blame for this. It was entirely her choice. There were positive choices ... she could have worked on the things that were broken inside herself or their relationship or she could have decided it couldn't be fixed, told him the truth and ended the marriage. She didn't give her husband a choice, the man who vowed to be there through thick and thin. Instead she chose to lie and deceive and create so much emotional pain that it will take him years to MOSTLY recover from. He in no way shape or form deserved this.


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## spudster

Where'd he go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado

Too much red pills at once.

Friend... she's gone gone gone. No hope here. Lawyer up.
The Healing Heart: The 180
Just Let Them Go


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## krismimo

It's barely been a day. He will be back. But were all pretty much saying the same thing.


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## badmemory

Stumpy,

I'm not sure if you'll respond again, but I'll add my 2 cents worth just in case you read this. But understand this comes from a man who also caught is wife cheating after 23 years of marriage; and one who is attempting to R with her.

Whether you realize it or not, you've described a wife that is a unrepentant cheater. It is unlikely that she will change and that you can successfully R under any circumstances, but even more so the way you have been handling things. The small chance you may have, will depend on whether you're willing to follow the counsel you've received.

I won't repeat all the "nuts and bolts" advice that you've been given - they are all right on point; but I will repeat this. "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it". You should approach this situation with your mind made up and already taking steps to divorce her; then give her the opportunity to let her actions earn your reconsideration. Actions that demonstrate true and complete remorse. Nothing less.

You're not even close to that mindset; and until you get there, I'm sorry to say that I see your marriage as a lost cause.


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

Yes Stumpy, stick around. The people here not only know what they're talking about, they've lived it. I'm sure you've allready heard some things that you didn't like hearing, but it's the only way. Take the control back. Even if you end up single again when it's all said and done, you'll be MUCH happier.


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## CleanJerkSnatch

Prepare for the emotional roller coaster.

Save no pity for yourself but for your wife! She failed to realize that her all her years of devotion to you cannot justify any smallest portion of her actions contrary to that of real love.


As Machiavelli has already stated, work out, fix yourself, in basic words, do everything that you SHOULD be doing ALL THE TIME. Taking care of yourself, so that you can fulfill the needs of your family and maybe some wants. 

None of this is your fault, she never consulted with you, you have no blame.


Stay strong.


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## Acabado

badmemory said:


> I won't repeat all the "nuts and bolts" advice that you've been given - they are all right on point; but I will repeat this. "You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it". You should approach this situation with your mind made up and already taking steps to divorce her; then give her the opportunity to let her actions earn your reconsideration. Actions that demonstrate true and complete remorse. Nothing less.
> You're not even close to that mindset; and until you get there, I'm sorry to say that I see your marriage as a lost cause.


:iagree:


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## Machiavelli

Elvis has left the building.


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## barbados

Machiavelli said:


> Elvis has left the building.


Elvis didn't like the lyrics he was hearing.


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## bandit.45

We weren't throwing out enough Bible verses. 

I've known scores of churchified people like Stumpy. They sit and wait for God to solve all there problems.

Well...."faith without works is dead", meaning you have to get off your duff and make things happen with the expectation God will help you through the process. Most churchifieds do not grasp this.


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## barbados

bandit.45 said:


> We weren't throwing out enough Bible verses.
> 
> I've known scores of churchified people like Stumpy. They sit and wait for God to solve all there problems.
> 
> Well...."faith without works is dead", meaning you have to get off your duff and make things happen with the expectation God will help you through the process. Most churchifieds do not grasp this.


OK, how about these :

*Proverbs 12:4*
A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.

*Proverbs 19:14*
Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.

*Proverbs 31:10*
A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

*Hebrews 13:4-7*
Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral


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## 3putt

barbados said:


> OK, how about these :
> 
> *Proverbs 12:4*
> A wife of noble character is her husband's crown, but a disgraceful wife is like decay in his bones.
> 
> *Proverbs 19:14*
> Houses and wealth are inherited from parents, but a prudent wife is from the LORD.
> 
> *Proverbs 31:10*
> A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.
> 
> *Hebrews 13:4-7*
> Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral


This is how I choose to live my life. Kind of a pity that my 2 EXs didn't share the same philosophy. Life doth sometimes be a b!tch!


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## Stumpy1970

Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.


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## illwill

Nothing to salvage here. File for divorce today. Get her and her toxic family out of your life.


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## Pault

Stumpy1970 said:


> Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.


Families will/do mass together in defense of a Wayward Partner. Frequently the WP has been cleaver enough to have dropped subtle suggestions of wrong doing by the innocent in an attempt to deflect the blame and justify what they eventally do. Cheats are good, they plan and do things that their innocent partner would NEVER believe they would be capable of. Things like appearing computer iliterate but have set up ghost accounts to make contact with lovers, take on new pay as you use cells to hide the evidence of texting, chat and sexual content, pan with almost miltary precision how they will make themselves appear to be in aon place and actually be in a bedroom elsewhere, creat faults you have to justify their betrail and planning and instigating a secret life whilst leaving a credible yet false ficticious life that family, friends (some of them) believe is all rosie in the garden.
The Innocent has to be be brave enough to challenge such thing as parents threatening to tell children of all the WRONG things about them and have in their arsenal counter information that disproves these allegation - you stumpy will need to be as cunning as your WW and make sure you keep your own council, gather evidence without anyone knowing of its source, make plans to even inform the WW partners wives and girlfirends that they have a cheat in their midst and then back it all up - you may have to do this anonymously to cover your tracks. In part this will put strain on any contacts your WW has without the source leading to you. I would say here as well (and boy I hate to do this) but you must seek not just legal advice but health advice also. If there are cheating partners these may be multiple and not use protection. Even if you are happy that you are "clean" get it checked..... soon!!. This will also be done without your WW knowing, that way a paper trail is being created. A good lawyer will turn your fears of "infection" in to a weapon if its needed.


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## spudster

Divorce. Your mother in law was/is most likely a cheater also.
There can be no reconciliation with a spouse who feels no remorse or empathy for the wrongs she has done you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InlandTXMM

As a Christian also, this saddens me. I've seen this behavior often among my "in your face" Christian friends and clients. Infidelity is as rampant in Christian circles as anywhere else (in some studies, even more so), but the need to keep any skeletons hidden, and therefore, your status in the social club known as the local church, is absolutely vital to the self esteem of a Christian.

One client couple of mine (I'm a financial planner) was extremely active in the church. The husband is a deacon, wife ran all sorts of groups. She starts playing around with one of their married friends' husbands. His immediate reaction was to resign as deacon and go into hiding. They pulled completely out of the church, and when I asked him why he didn't instead go TO the church for help, his answer told me everything I need to know about the real social fabric of most churches: "They would judge us." 

Another client, a pastor, once called me and wanted everything sold and cashed out of his IRA immediately, with no explanation other than, "The Lord is telling me to do this." I gave him a dozen reasons why it was a terrible idea and asked him to consult with the Lord again (make sure he was on the right frequency and not listening by mistake to Glenn Beck), as well as a CPA, and call me if he still wanted to do it. He called a week later and said he had changed his mind. The real reason, I found out later? His daughter was caught screwing around, and the ENTIRE FAMILY was going to move away to avoid the shame of having to face it publicly.

Your MIL's reaction, I believe, stems more from the deep-seated need to appear Godly, than it is anything else. Christians somewhere bought the lie that looking and acting "good" was much more important that BEING good. So anything to keep the false front going. 

As long as keeping up appearances is going to win out over authentic healing and reconciliation, and she will be enabled to hide, obfuscate, and bury what she's done by her own family, your efforts to save your marriage is doomed. You cannot push a rope. And I know, as a guy lucky enough to catch a workplace A in the earliest possible moments and stamp it out, that without genuine, snot-on-your-face, swollen from sobbing, crumpled on the floor REPENTANCE from your wife, you cannot reconcile. As hard as it was to see, it was when my wife was in a fetal position, literally, on our bathroom floor, nearly vomiting from her guilt and remorse as she sobbed uncontrollably, that I knew I could actually forgive her, because she understood what she did.

My brother, please, PLEASE do yourself a favor and read MMSL and NMMNG. And then act as the head of a house. Act as a man created in the image and likeness of God, who was given dominion over your world. You were, you know. You are the shepherd of your life. You LEAD, not follow.

There are two specific Christian texts I'd advise also:

"No More Christian Nice Guy", and 
"The Jesus I Never Knew" by Phillip Yancey.

Both of these are "man up" books by Chrisian authors. You can imagine how well they go over in the hyperfeminized modern church that is even afraid to refer to God as a "He".


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## ShootMePlz!

I would also cut them off at the pass and tell the kids that the MIL was threatening to tell them bad stuff about you if you told them!! And let them know what that was in your words not hers!!


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## RWB

Stump,

You know the truth... Bloods thicker than water.

A few days after dd, her parents who live in same town, were asking us what's going on with y'all. "Haven't seen you at church, not answering calls."

I told fww, I am not dancing around this with your parents for the rest of my life. "You need to tell them, what you are." She declined at first, but in a few days agreed. 

Here's the point... We all four sit down at kitchen table. My wife admits to sleeping with 3 OM over the last 6+ years, 30 years married at time. I just sit there, silent. Her father is disgusted, her mom silent, hands over her face. Her father asked her detailed questions and wife begins to lie to him in front of me. 

I step in and blurt out you are lying again (cheater lie), Her mother yells out to me, "You are not helping matters." and hugs fww like a little child. Her father is not far behind. 

So much for accountability, WTF.

Later, I find out that over the past few years, for some reason, my FIL had written me out of every section of his will. All assets, property and such only to my wife, then to our children. Wife admitted to me, that while cheating she had talks with them about how bad our marriage was and had wondered if I was being faithful to her. Her father saw us a soon to be divorced. 

Get the point...


----------



## Chaparral

Stumpy1970 said:


> Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.


Good plan, it doesn't sound like the apple fell far from the tree.

Your wife may not be remorseful because she thinks you are still in her pocket. Filling for divorce may ring her bell and you may see an entirely different woman. 

File for divorce and do the 180 too help yourself. It may bring your wife back into the fold but that is NOT what the 180 is for
The Healing Heart: The 180

Divorce takes a while, if she comes around and does the right things you may want to reconcile. Before you try that come here for advice as there are many things that must be done for reconcilliation. Many forgive and seep it under the rug and that will eventually kill the marriage too.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

ShootMePlz! said:


> I would also cut them off at the pass and tell the kids that the MIL was threatening to tell them bad stuff about you if you told them!! And let them know what that was in your words not hers!!


I'm quoting this because liking it isn't strong enough. WS, and I'm sorry for being sexist, just going with my personal experience, especially wives, tend to be VERY vindictive if you divorce them after an affair. They commonly take on this attitude of "How can you divorce me, look how you're wronging me!"

Take the high road with your kids, ALWAYS. I took the attitude of "I don't want to win a popularity contest, I want my kids to be able to look back when they're adults and see the truth, even if that isn't the case while they're growing up." But DEFINITELY inform your kids of everything that went down. How your future outlaws are going to respond could hurt more than your stbxw. You know "blood is thicker" and all that, but until you experience it, you don't TRULY understand the issue.


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## old timer

Stumpy1970 said:


> Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. .


Are your "secrets" that bad?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

""Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.""


File for D and have her served. It's the only way you're going to find out if your Wife willing to TRY. I say try because honestly it doesn't look good. But you won't know until you put your foot down. If she realizes you're actually going to divorce her, you'll know if there's a chance at R. I am truly sorry that you are going through this. Btw, exposing this is a good start. Affairs do not like the light of day.

Oh yes and the 180 is a must at this point. If it's not about the children, or the divorce, don't talk to here about it.


----------



## mahike

Stumpy1970 said:


> Thank you again for all of you help and no offense taken with anyone here, I may have worded things wrong when I said Church. It is more than that it would be faith and a Christian lifestyle. I know that Biblically I have grounds for divorce but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her. I did force her to tell her Mother and father and to my shock her mother pretty much blamed me as well. I could not believe what I was hearing, they are trying to convince me not to tell the kids. Her mother actually threatened to tell them everything she knew about me or my family if I told them. I could not believe what I was hearing, her mother told me that what she had done in no worse than any other mistakes we had made in our marriage. I also think that one big disadvantage I may have that may or may not be unique is the fact that I have 4 months of their daily conversations. I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room. She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on. It is strange but they are almost looking at this as if she had backed into my truck, yes I would be a little upset but would get over it quickly and move on. Very strange, if something don't change my mind I plan on telling my children tonight and filling for divorce in the morning. Thank you all again for your advice and words of encouragement.



I am sorry you are here. I am just getting caught up with your posts. I was married 29 years when I caught my wife. I did not want my marriage to end either but you have to take steps that your wife and mother in law are not going to like.

1. You must expose the A. Your kids must know your family and hers. You must expose the OM as well to their wives and or GF's

2. File for D, you do not have to go through with it but she needs to know you are serious.

3. Tell her to go get an STD test. She will tell you they used protection. It is a lie but tell her everything about the past is a lie why should I believe you know.

4. Go get yourself checked for STD's asap.

5. Get her into IC and you go to IC as well. Not your Minister. I am a christian as well but these guys are not trained in dealing withte issues you are going to deal with. Your wife has an addiction and you are going to have depression and stress like never before.

6. Tell your wife to write a no contact letter now and you are going to send it.

7. Any violation of those points even a little bit. You take her to Moms and drop her off at the door.

I dealt with the texts the lying, the pictures. Things my wife would never say to me or send to me. The mind movies. You have to be a real strong man right now. These things will hurt. I do not care if your kids see you cry but do not let her.

The only way you can build a new marriage and life is to be willing to dump the old one. The woman you married is dead and gone. Your marriage is dead and gone. 

You may be able to build a new one but you have to take these steps. Most of us did not and it causes more pain for everyone.

Your IC, a christian one is fine but make sure they are not your minister and they are trained in this sort of thing.

Be a strong man for your family.


----------



## JMGrey

RWB said:


> Stump,
> 
> You know the truth... Bloods thicker than water.
> 
> A few days after dd, her parents who live in same town, were asking us what's going on with y'all. "Haven't seen you at church, not answering calls."
> 
> I told fww, I am not dancing around this with your parents for the rest of my life. "You need to tell them, what you are." She declined at first, but in a few days agreed.
> 
> Here's the point... We all four sit down at kitchen table. My wife admits to sleeping with 3 OM over the last 6+ years, 30 years married at time. I just sit there, silent. Her father is disgusted, her mom silent, hands over her face. Her father asked her detailed questions and wife begins to lie to him in front of me.
> 
> I step in and blurt out you are lying again (cheater lie), Her mother yells out to me, "You are not helping matters." and hugs fww like a little child. Her father is not far behind.
> 
> So much for accountability, WTF.
> 
> Later, I find out that over the past few years, for some reason, my FIL had written me out of every section of his will. All assets, property and such only to my wife, then to our children. Wife admitted to me, that while cheating she had talks with them about how bad our marriage was and had wondered if I was being faithful to her. Her father saw us a soon to be divorced.
> 
> Get the point...


Apparently I'm a total aberration because blood means fvck-all to me. My respect and treatment of a person is based entirely on their actions. If I had been your FIL in that situation and she'd lied outright to me, and disrespected my SIL who was saintly enough to not divorce her worthless hide, she'd have felt the back of hand, no question.


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## doureallycare2

stumpy: Im so sorry.... It is so heartbreaking to find that all your hopes and dreams with this other person somehow became such a lie. My stbxh worked quite a bit with several of our pastors, at first he was repentive and seemed to do fine but we found out years later that there were a lot of lies; he even ended up punching one of the pastors. Yes, she needs to be exposed but be prepared for it not turning out well. Your faith will be more of a help to your healing then it will to her. I can recommend this website, It’s not just for divorce but people looking to reconcile also. DivorceCare: Divorce Recovery Support Groups Even if you can’t find a group to go to in your area the emails will help you quite a bit.
I’ll be praying for you, God Bless


----------



## krismimo

First of all I knew you would come back. I called it. I have very very good instincts I knew you had to digest everything. *Second I think there are some people here that you owe you a apology can't call someone out like that it is disrespectful especially since it has only* *been a few days*. Happy your back and I'm sorry that the family totally went against you the way they did. 

What are you planning on doing now? Or what would you like to do if that is too soon to ask I completely understand.


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## doureallycare2

Stumpy1970 said:


> I don't know if I am worse because instead of her just cheating I saw and read 6 months worth of daily messages, some where she was bad mouthing me while she lay in my bed beside me. I can't get the images and words out of my mind. Thank you all, it really helps just to get some of this out to others who have been down this road.


I have a years worth of some of the most pornographic emails and sex chats you could ever think of reading. i also got to see receits of the kind of thongs and bras he bought her for their "coffee" meetings.. thats what they called them.


----------



## bandit.45

krismimo said:


> First of all I knew you would come back. I called it. I have very very good instincts I knew you had to digest everything. *Second I think there are some people here that you owe you a apology can't call someone out like that it is disrespectful especially since it has only* *been a few days*. Happy your back and I'm sorry that the family totally went against you the way they did.
> 
> What are you planning on doing now? Or what would you like to do if that is too soon to ask I completely understand.


Alright....

I apologize. 

But what I said about churchifieds stands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

Stumpy1970 said:


> I not only have the imagination of the affair but have a actual four month window, complete with times _she had sent him nude shots of body parts while with the family on family events. She sent him something on Christmas Eve with me and my three children in the other room_. *She has no remorse but her and her mother only want to keep it a secret and move on*.


Sorry that you had to see that. As we've seen here time and time again, when they are in the affair, absolutely nothing, and I mean nothing is sacred. They can even send texts/emails demonizing you while even laying right next to you. 

Also, if I were you, toxic MIL would never be welcome in the house again. In their case, blood IS thicker than water. Like someone said, she probably cheated or is cheating too.

Do the right thing. She will never be remorseful because she her toxic, no morals mother, has her back.


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## Doyle

Sorry mate but at least you now know exactly where they stand on this and what they really think about you.

I think personally you should be straight with your kids from the off, weather you stay together or split up.

Good luck.


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## doureallycare2

JMGrey said:


> Apparently I'm a total aberration because blood means fvck-all to me. My respect and treatment of a person is based entirely on their actions. If I had been your FIL in that situation and she'd lied outright to me, and disrespected my SIL who was saintly enough to not divorce her worthless hide, she'd have felt the back of hand, no question.


I’m the same: I can’t even tell you how many times I told my brothers off, I was estranged from one for a few years because he wanted me to turn on his xw and he was the one that cheated. I have two brothers that have been married 3 times each and have over 9 children between them and they want my support when they complain about child support and what B*&^%s their x wife’s are... I don’t think so not when you’re the one that’s the cheat honey... I may still love you but I won’t ever condone your behavior and as for me feeling sorry about the amount of support you pay... nope... both of them are not hands-on dads, they do not take the kids to dr apts or go to teacher conferences or even visit them regularly, one hasn’t seen his children in 3 years.... I’m sorry but no sympathy from me. I have wonderful relationships with my x sil's and with all my Nieces and nephews, I have been there for them when their fathers haven’t... I’ve even taken them on vacations with me and they call me when they need to talk or get away. Saying that I’m understanding when they talk about their bad relationships with their dads or even an argument with their mom, I try to comfort them, talk about addiction and how it affects family but I won’t put my brothers down either. 
My stbxh’s sister that I was best friends with however, has now turned her back on me, she is trying to say that I have made these things up about her brother (and she doesn’t even know the half of it) She has joined forces with the alcoholic sister that she and my H always couldn’t stand (who hates me) and they now talk to others in the family about how awful a person I am...My angry drunk sil called me up at 10:30 in the morning at work to yell at me about what an awful person I was! I can go on and on... you can tell how angry I am.. for 36 years I stood by their looser of a brother, when no one else would have..... And I’m the rotten person...


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## krismimo

I wasn't talking about you Bandit, my reference was to someone else. (other people).


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## bandit.45

krismimo said:


> I wasn't talking about you Bandit, my reference was to someone else. (other people).


Love ya sweetie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## krismimo

Love ya too B


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## warlock07

but in a strange way I wanted to save it because I love her

2 must want a marriage


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## Stumpy1970

Thanks again for your help, it has been a few weeks and her deceit keeps on. I have now found a pregnancy test hidden in her drawer. A few days ago there was a GERBER Life Insurance letter addressed to her. It very specifically said "her name" and talked about the new addition to her family. Does this mean anything


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## tom67

Stumpy1970 said:


> Thanks again for your help, it has been a few weeks and her deceit keeps on. I have now found a pregnancy test hidden in her drawer. A few days ago there was a GERBER Life Insurance letter addressed to her. It very specifically said "her name" and talked about the new addition to her family. Does this mean anything


It means you get a paternity test done so you are not paying for someone else's kid.


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## Stumpy1970

I know it would not be mine, we took care if that years ago. I was wondering how she could have got on Gerbers list with personal information. Does this mean she is or was pregnant. This was not one of these or current resident sort of deals,


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## BjornFree

Did you get the policy document photocopied? Its going to be useful. Get a paternity test done, remember child support is for 18 years. You need to backup every single piece of evidence you come across.


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## aug

And another man's child born into your marriage is considered yours. You'll be stuck with financial support for the next 18 to 21 years.

Better get a damm good and aggressive lawyer for yourself now.


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## Acabado

Have you filed for D already?
Have you exposed her fully?
What about OM?


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## old timer

aug said:


> And another man's child born into your marriage is considered yours. You'll be stuck with financial support for the next 18 to 21 years.


Yep - got caught in your trap...


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## CleanJerkSnatch

That is horrible. I sure hope she does not murder any evidence. If I were you I would have dna tests on your children. I know you said that you are still "daddy" but seeing as you are from a christian back ground, children pay for the sins of their parents, think Adam and Eve. If they are not your children, you can still be dad but you'd like as much leverage as you can get if you get D.


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## Samus

my advice:

run for the muthaphucking HILLS!!!

Stop with the "we made sweet love" how sickening. Spit that beyatch out and bounce. Talk to the divorce attorney like 3 weeks ago. What are you dilly dallying around for man? 

Stop being the wife and be the MAN. Stop with the sensitive "I love them so much" blah blah blah. She doesn't love you and her family seems to feel the same way towards you. This is a lose/lose situation for you.

Get the hell out. Do what Machivelli said, he hit the nail on the head. 

How old are your children?


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## walkonmars

aug said:


> And another man's child born into your marriage is considered yours. You'll be stuck with financial support for the next 18 to 21 years.
> 
> Better get a damm good and aggressive lawyer for yourself now.


Unfortunately in many jurisdictions, if the H knew the W was having an affair and did noting, then the affair is considered condoned.

Sounds like pregnancy is a real possibility. How do you feel about abortion? Talk to her now before it's too late for one.


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## Chaparral

Call gerbrrs and ask how people get on their mailing list.


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## badcompany

There is a spot on the cub with her name on it.
No if's and's or but's......shes out. File for the D, present the evidence in court and try for custody. Push the point that your kids will either be raised by your good churchgoing self or by this sleep around ****. It hurts and is certainly a shocker, but I'd have zero tolerance and kick her to the curb.


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## Shaggy

Doesn't matter how the G found her as much as they both think she's gotten knocked up,


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