# Am I "enabling" my Ex? re: Child Support



## TheGoodGuy

For those that don't know me, I am a male in my early 30's with custody of my 7 yo (soon to be 8) daughter. I have been divorced about 8 months. 

I am much more financially sound than my Ex. I say that not to brag but to put things in perspective. She made many decisions (one of which was walking away from me and our daughter) which has led to her current state of living. 

My Ex was ordered by the courts to pay the bare minimum in CS payments, and I do mean BARE MINIMUM. She has yet to pay, and I have not pressed the issue. Though I don't NEED the money, it would have been nice to put it towards my daughters college fund. (First world problems right? ) I don't wish to put her in even more financial difficulty, but I feel like I'm enabling her. IE: It's OK that you're not doing what the courts have ordered you to as long as the guys you find have money to pay for your bar tab.

My attorney told me long ago that even if I didn't need the money to raise my daughter, it was rightfully hers (daughters) and I was denying her if I let her mom off with not paying.

Anyone in a similar sich?


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## PBear

Your attorney is right. Collect the money for your daughter's college fund or a house downpayment.

c


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## 06Daddio08

Emotionally it might pull on the heart strings a bit because you attach the love of your daughter to the well being of your ex, but the two should be separated.

She should be paying as it's court ordered and her inability to supply a decent 'standard' of living for herself isn't your problem any longer. Sounds harsh right? But it's not really. 

The payments should be made in respect to your daughter, if anything. As said, store this money away for a college fund or in the event she needs it for an emergency in regards to health (of course I cross my fingers that this won't be necessary).

I've said a lot of "should", it's really up to you though.  I know one thing though, if my ex ever ends up matching my income and that could possibly happen ... I won't be paying this child support anymore.


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## Conrad

PBear said:


> Your attorney is right. Collect the money for your daughter's college fund or a house downpayment.
> 
> c


100% agreement brother.

Don't backslide on us now.

What good comes from you NOT pursuing this?


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## EnjoliWoman

All of the above. ^

Even a minimal amount, tucked away gathering interest is useful some day. Too bad, so sad. Time for her to put on her 'big girl panties'.


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## TheGoodGuy

Conrad said:


> What good comes from you NOT pursuing this?


I enjoy NOT having to deal with courts, attorneys, and judges. And the less I have to deal with her. Less drama. But I do take your point, all of you. Have to think on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

If you live in the US and don't really care one way or the other about the money, have it collected through your child support enforcement division at the state level. Easy Peasy. Have it deposited into a separate account you set up for your daughter. 

You need to make an attempt to do this as it will keep your ex out of hot water in the future. Nobody wants to live with a huge debt hanging over their head, and legally your daughter could try to collect it when she turns 18, if it has not ever been paid.

Plus, people tend to resent and disrespect others who give them favors and cut them slack and don't hold them to a normal standard. I know, it's a strange phenomenon, but it does happen.


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## lenzi

TheGoodGuy said:


> My attorney told me long ago that even if I didn't need the money to raise my daughter, it was rightfully hers (daughters) and I was denying her if I let her mom off with not paying.


It's true.

Although your attorney may have ulterior motives. If it's going to cost you as much in attorney fees as the support itself, it just might not be worth it.

Then again if she's in contempt, and it appears she is, then she might get hit with your attorneys fees.


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## smallsteps

Maybe it's better to send her a "reminder" in the form of an email. That way, even if you decide not to pursue the issue at this time, she'll be aware that you have not forgotten about it.

See what her response is and go from there.


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## Conrad

lenzi said:


> It's true.
> 
> Although your attorney may have ulterior motives. If it's going to cost you as much in attorney fees as the support itself, it just might not be worth it.
> 
> Then again if she's in contempt, and it appears she is, then she might get hit with your attorneys fees.


Sue for them.


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## LongWalk

Is she being responsible when she spends time with your daughter?

I would ask her to buy specific items that your daughter needs. This will make her feel better. Is she working in the restaurant/catering branch still?


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## Pbartender

lenzi said:


> It's true.
> 
> Although your attorney may have ulterior motives. If it's going to cost you as much in attorney fees as the support itself, it just might not be worth it.
> 
> Then again if she's in contempt, and it appears she is, then she might get hit with your attorneys fees.


(I'm going to repost what I said in another thread by a different poster with almost the exact same problem...)

Do it yourself -- pro se. It's not that difficult. You can find most of what you need online. Ask your lawyer to review your paperwork and advise you on procedure before you do it.

I've done it once already over unpaid shared expenses and unpaid bills on a mortgage that my ex hasn't refinanced yet... And I'm getting ready to do it again. My attorney didn't even charge for the time he took to review my paperwork and answer my questions on the process.


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## lifeistooshort

See my ex and I have a verbal agreement for less child support then he was ordered, because I don't need it that badly and it's not good for our kids if their father is struggling. BUT, he still pays a reasonable amount, so big difference. That allows us to negotiate in good faith, which you can't do because your ex makes zero effort and pays nothing. Your lawyer is right, enforce it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/size


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## lenzi

lifeistooshort said:


> See my ex and I have a verbal agreement for less child support then he was ordered, because I don't need it that badly and it's not good for our kids if their father is struggling.


Bad move on his part.

You could change your mind about the support at any time, take him back to court, and he'd be found in contempt for nonpayment of child support.

If it was me I'd never trust my exwife to uphold a verbal agreement.


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## PBear

lenzi said:


> Bad move on his part.
> 
> You could change your mind about the support at any time, take him back to court, and he'd be found in contempt for nonpayment of child support.
> 
> If it was me I'd never trust my exwife to uphold a verbal agreement.


+1 on this. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

lenzi said:


> Bad move on his part.
> 
> You could change your mind about the support at any time, take him back to court, and he'd be found in contempt for nonpayment of child support.
> 
> If it was me I'd never trust my exwife to uphold a verbal agreement.



Your concern is understandable, fortunately we get along ok and I'm a person of my word. I don't reneg on my agreements, but maybe he lucked out with me  

I did tell him that if I lost my job we'd have to scrap our agreement and he said he understood. Fortunately for him my field has basically zero unemployment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

lifeistooshort said:


> See my ex and I have a verbal agreement for less child support then he was ordered, because I don't need it that badly


The other concern is that by accepting less than the court ordered in support, you're shorting your children and their living standards are lower than they would have been if you followed the court orders, which are based on a percentage of his income.

That's the law, it's his responsibility, and by ignoring court orders only the children get hurt ultimately.


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## lifeistooshort

lenzi said:


> The other concern is that by accepting less than the court ordered in support, you're shorting your children and their living standards are lower than they would have been if you followed the court orders, which are based on a percentage of his income.
> 
> That's the law, it's his responsibility, and by ignoring court orders only the children get hurt ultimately.


Um, ok. My kids have quite a nice standard of living, we live on less then we have now. My kids spend time with their dad, so if he struggles their standard of living with him drops. Men are always b!tching about the unfair amounts of child support they have to pay. We have an amicable agreement and it's still no good. Apparently I can't win.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pbartender

Out of curiosity, why didn't you just have the lower amount of child support written out in your Parenting and Settlement Agreements?


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## lifeistooshort

Pbartender said:


> Out of curiosity, why didn't you just have the lower amount of child support written out in your Parenting and Settlement Agreements?



Well it was a deal we made several years after the original order, and by that time I was on my feet financially. As to why we didn't do it legally, laziness and trust. If he asked for something in writing I'd give it to him, but he hasn't. That's up to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

lifeistooshort said:


> If he asked for something in writing I'd give it to him, but he hasn't.


A written agreement between the two of you in regards to modification of child support would be worthless in the eyes of the courts. The courts frown upon such arrangements because they are usually to the detriment of the children.


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## Hardtohandle

I hope to be in your situation soon enough regarding child support as I have both of my boys with me as well. 

I agree, take what you can.. 

My ex took 6 months of child support from me even though my youngest was living with me. I had to force her hand to stop paying it.. 

I would give you Ex no quarter.. I am sure she would crush you if the tables were reversed. 

I also had an agreement with my Ex on child support payments.. I hope that the judge enforces our agreement, even though it would be less than the law it still would crush her.. Which would make me warm and fuzzy inside..


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