# About to walk away



## Lolaz (Mar 30, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for 6 years. When we first met, I was 20, I had been in a long term relationship with a man who would never meet my needs and refused to be a part of my life or my family. After that, I had a series of casual flings, then ended up getting date-raped by a coworker of mine. 

Not long after all this, my now-husband came along. He had been interested in me for quite a while, as we were in college together and he found me "mysterious and beautiful." He practically worshipped the ground I walked on, taking care of me in every way. We connected well from the start, and I distinctly remember a conversation with my mother in which she referred to him as a "kindred spirit." At that time, I also recall wrestling with the idea that I was not physically attracted to him. Since I had never had sex before, the idea of sex was very exciting and I thought that the physicality would come in time. Now this is not to say that my husband is an unattractive man, but I have never felt that pure chemical attraction, for whatever reason, to him. And suffice it to say, this did not change over time. 

We fought not infrequently about sex (the lack thereof, the mechanical deadness of it, etc), and I had finally resolved to myself that I was just somewhat of an asexual person. And he had put me on a pedestal since the start, which the gap between him and I only widened over the years. We are so unequal in our relationship. Friends and family know that I'm the boss, and it kills me to have this sort of dynamic. It's true that I'm a controlling sort of person, but the other half to this is that he just bows to every whim and fancy. I'm not denying my part in why we have an emotionally devoid relationship at this point, but I've told him that we're through, and I don't know what lies ahead. 

My family and close friends see him as a blindsided victim to all this. Despite having an imbalance of power and sexless marriage, he had been denying the idea that this was a problem. To all outsiders, we appeared quite happy, but I'm not one to air my grievances with those around me, and why shouldn't we appear happy, we had always been great friends! In no way do I regret having married him, but I fear that I married him for my own pathologic reasons, and I don't think that this is sustainable for the long term. 

A confounding factor to all of this is that we have lived apart for the past year. We had been seeing eachother as little as once a month due to work schedules, but as much as every weekend, depending on the month. I've found myself irritated if he calls while I'm listening to a particular song that I like or watching a show I'm into, and wanting to abruptly get off the phone. That seems so unreasonable for someone who hasn't seen their husband for several days/weeks. 

Two months ago, I met someone. He incites in me parts of my intellect and emotion that I didn't remember were real. I hadn't felt the disconnect between where I was at and where my husband was at so distinctly until I saw that there was something more. In some ways, I truly regret having met this man, as he has changed me, and I feel that I can never go back to living life as it once was. I didn't know that someone could be my intellectual and emotional equal, and now I can't bear to lose that connection. For the record, I'm not having sex with this new man, although I'm not naive enough to say that this isn't an affair of sorts. My husband and family can't seem to separate the idea that I've long been unhappy in my marriage from the possible "new relationship" sort of powerful push toward having something better, and in the same city I currently live. 

I feel so torn between my marriage vows, which as a Christian, I do take immensely seriously, and what I think to be best for all parties involved. I have never loved my husband wholly, and my inability to meet his needs has only resulted in bitterness and inequality in our marriage. I strongly feel that he deserves better than to be with me, because he has needs I cannot provide for. I felt such a sense of inner peace when my husband realized how poorly I've treated him, even if this was said out of anger. The idea of him being with a woman who can love him completely and in all ways just brings pure joy and relief to my heart. Nonetheless, I know I'm hurting him and my family very much, but can't resolve to try and "work things out" just for those reasons.

Can anyone comment on this? I feel so torn and confused, and this has only just begun...


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Lolaz said:


> My husband and I have been together for 6 years. When we first met, I was 20, I had been in a long term relationship with a man who would never meet my needs and refused to be a part of my life or my family. After that, I had a series of casual flings, then ended up getting date-raped by a coworker of mine.
> 
> Not long after all this, my now-husband came along. He had been interested in me for quite a while, as we were in college together and he found me "mysterious and beautiful." He practically worshipped the ground I walked on, taking care of me in every way. We connected well from the start, and I distinctly remember a conversation with my mother in which she referred to him as a "kindred spirit." At that time, I also recall wrestling with the idea that I was not physically attracted to him. Since I had never had sex before, the idea of sex was very exciting and I thought that the physicality would come in time. Now this is not to say that my husband is an unattractive man, but I have never felt that pure chemical attraction, for whatever reason, to him. And suffice it to say, this did not change over time.
> 
> ...


Your unhappiness with turn into resentment and then into hate. Do the right thing and sit down with him and explain how you feel. He may cry or ask for marriage counseling but what ever you do, DO NOT HAVE BABIES until you figure this out.

If you do not love him and from what I read here looks like your relationship is a "meh" instead of GREAT! then its time to be very honest to everybody involved. If you plan on exploring the emotional affair you are currently having (yes you are already cheating) then have the decency to wait a bit after the divorce before pursuing another relationship. You owe the poor sap at least that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Either work on your marriage or get a divorce.

Cheating is not the answer.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

It sounds to me that you are trying to justify your being unfaithful. Coming from someone who has been in your husband's shoes, I feel that your marriage deserves better. Does he have his problems? Yes. Do you have your problems? Yes. But going outside of the marriage Is not the answer. And now that you have 'connected' with someone other than your husband, he looks totally unattractive to you in a number of ways. Marriage is not easy and there is no quick fix. Counseling can do wonders for couples, if they find the right one. As long as someone else is in your life, you WILL NOT have a desire to work it out with your husband. 

Sorry but that's my 2 cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't work on your marriage while you are having an affair (emotional or physical). It's impossible. That is why other guy looks so good to you right now. And why your H looks so bad.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

An emotional affair causes you to have your emothional needs met by the OM, leaving little left for your husband. This as you can tell will only cause your relationship with your husband to get worse.

I agree with the other posters. End the affair and give full attention to your marriage. If it does not work, then go your separate way knowing you gave it a good shot. You owe your husband this much, and you also should save him from the disrespect and humilation of an affair. Seems to me his only problem was treating you too good.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You owe it to yourself to end the affair permanently and not to make any decisions until you have moved passed that as a possible future avenue. Why? Because right now, the affair is a distraction from the work you need to do ON YOURSELF. You can choose to work on the marriage at the same time, or not, but if you hold out hope of ending up with this man someday, you will never take the time to figure out who you are and what you need and want. You are extremely likely, in fact, to end up disappointed in THIS man, too, no matter what you think right now, b/c he is benefitting (in your view of things) from being different from your husband--at least on the surface. "Different" just isn't good enough--you can jump from different to different to different and never find what you really want and need, b/c you haven't taken the time to figure it out.

I totally get the unhappy marriage--BTDT. But the very best thing I did was decide that if I left, I would be ON MY OWN for at least 2 years. I learned to love my time and my independence so much that now I wouldn't share it with anyone who did not meet some pretty high standards (not perfection, that is for sure), whereas before I married, my main "standard" for a guy was, does he like me? 

So please, for your own sake, recognize the reality that most people who leave a marriage for another person end up divorcing that 2nd person--it's something like 70% or higher. If you choose to end your marriage, do it b/c you want to stand on your own and be happy rather than being unhappy in marriage. Maybe, someday, you will connect again with someone else, but rest assured that the chances that this "someone" you have recently found is really that special person are extremely low. 

If you decide to give the marriage another shot, you'll find lots of good advice here, too.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> You owe it to yourself to end the affair permanently and not to make any decisions until you have moved passed that as a possible future avenue. Why? Because right now, the affair is a distraction from the work you need to do ON YOURSELF. You can choose to work on the marriage at the same time, or not, but if you hold out hope of ending up with this man someday, you will never take the time to figure out who you are and what you need and want. You are extremely likely, in fact, to end up disappointed in THIS man, too, no matter what you think right now, b/c he is benefitting (in your view of things) from being different from your husband--at least on the surface. "Different" just isn't good enough--you can jump from different to different to different and never find what you really want and need, b/c you haven't taken the time to figure it out.
> 
> I totally get the unhappy marriage--BTDT. But the very best thing I did was decide that if I left, I would be ON MY OWN for at least 2 years. I learned to love my time and my independence so much that now I wouldn't share it with anyone who did not meet some pretty high standards (not perfection, that is for sure), whereas before I married, my main "standard" for a guy was, does he like me?
> 
> ...


Can I send this to my wife? LOL
:smthumbup::smthumbup::iagree::iagree:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sisters359 said:


> So please, for your own sake, recognize the reality that most people who leave a marriage for another person end up divorcing that 2nd person--it's something like 70% or higher. If you choose to end your marriage, do it b/c you want to stand on your own and be happy rather than being unhappy in marriage. Maybe, someday, you will connect again with someone else, but rest assured that the chances that this "someone" you have recently found is really that special person are extremely low.


I agree. I believe one of the dumbest things a person can ever do is leave someone for someone else. Seriously, if you want out, go because you're unhappy w/ the person you're currently with, not to trade them in for a replacement. Idk how true the stats are that you posted (70%) but it's been said many times that affair relationships don't work out. I've seen them shake out both ways (end or continue onto something latsting) but I personally believe that a relationship born of someone else's misery and born of deceit and lies will have sand to stand on.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I've read this a couple of times, and I'm sorry for the pain you feel. 

That said, it is obviously a difficult situation, and it is impossible to really understand. Through your words, it strongly suggests that you consider yourself to be both intellectually beyond him, and emotionally more complex. Couple that with the lack of chemical attraction, and your marriage to him sounds like a very rash decision. 

So, I wonder what is really going on in his mind. The tone suggests that perhaps he considered you to be a little out of his league. Is it possible that he is intimidated by your assessment of him? Believe me, if its there, he senses it. Some would even argue that this is even more real than the youthful belief in chemical attraction. And, maybe he is also just trying to please you by being a 'yes man'?

I understand that these traits are not attractive. Problem is that very few people have it together at that age, at least beneath the facade we show the world in our first few encounters. What you see below the surface is usually enough to make the chemical attraction evaporate into thin air.

What I'd like to suggest is that this should be a time for self analysis. Different doesn't always mean inferior. Outside the core of ourselves (the integrity, character, and intellect), the rest of it can be refined with some hard work. If you think the core of him, beneath the kissing up, is wrong for you, then take some time to better understand your needs before getting into another relationship. Otherwise, it can end up leading to another mistake.


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## Lolaz (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien - Thanks for the input sans judgment and flat out opinion tossing. 

Update:

Still in a significant bind here. Discussions with my husband have had little yield, except to highlight that he's not truly hearing the issues that I have brought to light. There is no mudslinging. I have no intention of twisting the knife. He is giving me an ultimatum (which, for the record, I fully understand his need to forge his own opinion and take charge of this out-of-control situation):

100% back into the relationship, counseling, in it to win it

-OR-

I have to file for divorce

The percentage I feel ready to reconcile is somewhere in between the above 0-100%, so I'm just treading water. It feels disgusting.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Lolaz said:


> Halien - Thanks for the input sans judgment and flat out opinion tossing.
> 
> Update:
> 
> ...


Sadly, you will likely be judged harshly by friends and family for whatever choice you make. As much as we don't like to admit it, I think there are instances where two people marry who function at different levels, yet both had the best of intentions when doing so. 

I can only understand because it happened to my sister in law. When my wife and I married, a sense of desperation seemed to come over my wife's sister. One friend had always liked her, and she was suddenly convinced that they were meant for each other. She had strong cultural interests, yet he had never even read a book. The important thing that hooked her was that he shared her interests while dating. After marraige though, hunting was his life. At home, every moment was occupied on the sofa in front of the television. Although he had committed to seeking common interests through pre-marital counseling, he quit trying even before the honeymoon was over. 

My point I'm trying to get to is that regardless of what you choose to do, hopefully you understand why you felt like he was right for you. Was it because he was super driven to impress you during the dating, implying that you two could grow together, but then stopped? Or, was he the same, and you were entirely over-optimistic? The answer to this might lead you to either demand some conditions if he wants to work it out, or choose to try to end it as humanely as possible.

My sister in law divorced, but took time to understand what went wrong before getting into another relationship. This one has lasted over 15 years so far.


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## MisterNiceGuy (Jan 26, 2011)

Lolaz said:


> I feel so torn between my marriage vows, which as a Christian, I do take immensely seriously, and what I think to be best for all parties involved. I have never loved my husband wholly, and my inability to meet his needs has only resulted in bitterness and inequality in our marriage. I strongly feel that he deserves better than to be with me, because he has needs I cannot provide for. I felt such a sense of inner peace when my husband realized how poorly I've treated him, even if this was said out of anger. The idea of him being with a woman who can love him completely and in all ways just brings pure joy and relief to my heart. Nonetheless, I know I'm hurting him and my family very much, but can't resolve to try and "work things out" just for those reasons.
> 
> Can anyone comment on this? I feel so torn and confused, and this has only just begun...


You sound exactly like my wife! Except we've been together for 17 years (married 15). We have two kids that are pre-teen. A house and a business that we run together. But all the emotional stuff is same. She said that she "settled" for me and was the Alpha in our relationship almost from the beginning. We started on our current crisis about 4 months ago and I started reading and getting my act together, but at the same time she had an EA that I quickly found out about and blew up. That was 5 weeks ago. Right now we are both in counseling, but seeing the same MC separately. It's been hell. We are friendly right this minute, but she has said that as soon as she gets her own job she is moving out. Leaving the kids and everything. 

Everything else you say sounds exactly like what she has told me about the lack of connection and sex and all that. It's too much work to make it "happen" between us. She wants to start fresh... whatever...

I would say in your situation though, since you don't have kids and you have been living separately for a long time, that it might be over. Seeing how you are already going down the path to an EA too. You could give it one last shot, give it your all, seek counseling, all of that and see if there is something there. But if the thought of that disgusts you, it might be time to split...


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