# Childhood Sweetheart Wants A Divorce



## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Hello everyone. I've read quite a few posts on people who are going through the same thing I am and I need support and advice on what I should be doing. I am finding it harder and harder everyday to hold myself together. Here is my background.

I've known and been with my wife for 15 years. We were childhood sweethearts and nothing about that have ever changed. I was 12 years old when we began dating (yes, we were that young). She has been the only girl I have ever been with and I the only guy she has been with. I am currently 27 now and she is 28.

We got married 3 years ago and we bought a house together. Our life together was great or so I thought. She asked me for a divorce two weeks ago. I instantly fell apart as I felt it came out of nowhere. We've been working really hard to build a life together and finances have been really tight with the new house and all. We were always the couple that lived freely, but recently we've had to buckle down since we have all these new responsibilities. I've been really focused on how to make our life better, believing that making improvement to our home would make my wife happier and she could see the life we are building. I was completely blind to see what stresses it was putting on her.

For the past 9 months or so she has been telling me that she doesn't like where we live (even though we both originally liked the house and location) and she wishes she could move back to where we used to live. I told her we can move, but it may take a little bit more time to straighten everything out. She also has been asking me for smaller things like flowers or new items over the years, which I always rationalized by saying "I would love to get your flowers babe, but they are really expensive right now" and "do we really need it?". Then she would nod and agree and we would move on, even though I really did want to buy her flowers. I thought we were both on the same page and powering through our temporary struggles.

I was clearly very wrong since she wants to leave me. I will paraphrase the thoughts she has expressed to me. She asked me for a divorce and she said she still loves me and she will always love me, but she needs some time to think. "This is not how i imagined my life with you. We were supposed to build something and I found that I tried to be the best I can for you and it took every part of me. I have nothing more to give."

I feel that I have been giving every part of me too, but I did not know things were this bad. I feel like we were both speaking different languages. She would tell me things she wanted and then we would talk about it together and I thought we came up with an understanding or reasonable compromise. I didn't know that she was struggling this much. This is the first time she has really effectively told me how much she was hurting, but now she tells me it is too late to do anything.

I know I have a lot of fault here. Since she has told me that she wanted a divorce, I have completely changed to become a better person. I want to change to become a better person and I will stay a better person for her. Not because she asked me to, but to show her that this new person is who I always wanted to be for her. I was being held back by things that I now know are not important. I know I can make her happy. I just didn't know things were this bad. I am doing everything I can but all my efforts are said to be " a little too late". She said I had so much time and "what took so long? Who is going to give me my time back". She doesn't trust or believe she should give me another chance.

I also have insecurity and temper issues. I grew up believing I was never good enough. I was always grew angry when things made me feel like I was nothing or not good enough. She has expressed that those are some of my issues, which I told her I will seek counseling for. I also asked if we can attend marriage counseling together, but she said there is no point.

I will do anything for my wife. I don't know anything else. I built my world around her and I need to know how I can win her back. I want to fight for us, but she doesn't want to fight for us anymore. She is out of energy and I understand why. I just feel that I never got to show her the person I wanted to be for her and the person I can be for her. I will do anything. I am a person that is only happy when I see my wife happy.

My wife has been distant with her family for a while for other reasons that I will not go in to detail about. Recently she has been staying with her mom for the past 3 days and trying to "mend" old relationships. I think she is building a support group to leave me. She has told her sister, her mom, and her cousin about wanting a divorce. She has also been going out more often with them.

I've been grieving for the past two weeks. I am unable to concentrate at work, where it requires heavy technical thinking and I have taken a few days off because of the whole situation. I have been unable to sleep anymore. Recently, I couldn't handle all of the hurt anymore and I told her "I don't want this divorce, but you're leaving me and there is nothing I can do to make you change your mind. I will always fight for us, but I have to let you go because this is what you want."

After telling her that, she completely switched her opinion and said she wanted to give it another try. So she came home the next day and we talked for an hour before she switched again and said she was on the fence of whether to give it another try or leaving. I feel like I am in limbo and its killing me. I am in an endless cycle of having hope and then having it taken away from me.

Right now I have given her time apart again. She is at her mothers house for the next week and I am alone. I have respected her position on wanting space and I am now having minimal to no contact with her. Even if we work though this we need to seek marriage counseling and I need to seek counseling of my own for my issues.

It is looking bad right now. I think our last talk pushed her to the other side of the fence, where she doesn't want to be with me anymore. Please tell me what I should be doing. I don't think I will ever be able to move on if she leaves. I will be stuck reliving the moment she leaves for the rest of my life.

I don't think I am capturing her side fully, but I need advice. Please help.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Sorry, you are here man, it hurts like no other. There's a lot here to digest and there could be plenty of reasons she is 'done'. Going to address a few things and maybe out of order.

- Do you have any kids?

- You said you think your last talk pushed her over the edge. Take solace in knowing, just about anything you say or do in the present isn't going to change her mind either way, the talk you had didn't push her away. She had already made that hard decision quite a while ago. Most experts say, women start the leaving process in their mind about 2 years before it actually happens. This is when you have a walkaway wife, a wife that is leaving because they are unhappy for a while, think they are telling you everything they need to tell you to make you happy and then one day they finally make the ultimate decision they have been working towards. 

- Since you have been together so long and since such an early age in life, there's a big chance she feels she didn't get to live her life to the fullest, to see what's out there, all of that type of stuff and that's a normal thing with relationships that begin young, but those are usually for relationships regarding high school sweethearts, you actually supercede that by starting in Grade School. 

- She's not happy and nothing you can do at this point will change her mind, any chance you have of making an impression on her would have to be done over a long period of time, with no pressure on her. Just working on yourself and bettering yourself, not wavering and not flip-flopping all over the place and while hard as all f'n Hell, not acting sad and lost (even though deep down that's a true feeling).

- There's probably a lot of things you could have done better in the past but you can't dwell on a lot of that now, you can only use it as a reference as to what to improve upon.

-----------------------------------

So the above is my walkaway perspective. But sadly and there are red flags here, in these types of cases, we also have to consider that she is a Wayward Walkaway Wife. I get the feeling as soon as I mention that you are going to be, no, no, no - she would NEVER do that and she may not have but it's so common.

You mention her spending more time elsewhere. Has she spent more time on her phone, been more guarded of it, have a lock code on it? Has her appearance changed, clothes, any new friends?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tell me did your frugal attitude to financial decisions also apply to you.Did you both drive similar vehicles,did you both spend similar amounts on,clothes,hobbies,lunches etc.What about visiting families,did you go to visit yours more often.
Your wife asked you nine months ago about moving and you said you needed to “straighten everything out”.Did you actually do anything or did you just put it on the long finger while hoping she would quit whining.
Also was it really going to bring down the Bank of America if you occasionally bought your wife a bunch of flowers.Nobody “needs” a bunch of flowers but that isn’t the point.
To be honest you come across as a bully and a skinflint and your talk of “reasonable compromise” is laughable.
If a woman,especially one who you profess to love asks for some small token of affection then you are allready on thin ice.She shouldn’t have to ask.You refusing her every time is just wrong on so many levels.
I think she’s done and I take no pleasure in telling you this.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Tell me did your frugal attitude to financial decisions also apply to you.Did you both drive similar vehicles,did you both spend similar amounts on,clothes,hobbies,lunches etc.What about visiting families,did you go to visit yours more often.
> Your wife asked you nine months ago about moving and you said you needed to “straighten everything out”.Did you actually do anything or did you just put it on the long finger while hoping she would quit whining.
> Also was it really going to bring down the Bank of America if you occasionally bought your wife a bunch of flowers.Nobody “needs” a bunch of flowers but that isn’t the point.
> To be honest you come across as a bully and a skinflint and your talk of “reasonable compromise” is laughable.
> ...


Yeah, the flowers thing was sad. I didn't get the bully vibe but I did get the clueless/cheapskate one.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Waiting for Gus to say "Check your phone bill".

Possibilities.

a) The saying, "I love you but I am not in love with you". ILYBANILWY. This comes to mind.

b) She wants to go back home to be with her true love. A POSOM lives there.


Her mother is pushing her to get past this "phase'. Her mother wants your marriage to work.

Let her go. She likely feels that she lost out on all the dating that other women experienced.
The grass is greener feeling. It might be, might not. 
She wants to check out other men.



Lilith-


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

One of the most genuinely wonderful, and most problematic and dangerous, things about being with a partner since childhood is that you know everything about that person. So much so, in fact, that you can fall into the mistaken belief that this person is still who they've always been and would never change. But that's obviously wrong, because no one at 20 is who they were at 12 and no one at 30 is who they were at 20. There's also, I think, a very strong tendency to take your partner for granted in these relationships. He or she has nearly literally _always_ been there. Imagining that they might go away just seems ephemeral at best, even a bit ridiculous. Of course they're going to be there, they always have been. And, so, human nature being what it is, there's a bit of a tendency to slip on doing the hard work it takes to truly know and understand your partner and his/her changing needs, to keep the relationship growing and flourishing amidst those changes. 

OP, your wife is not the child you fell in love with. She is a grown woman. What she needs, what she wants, from a relationship will be different now than it was when you two were children together. Just as, hopefully, you have also continued to grown, mature, and change to become the man you are from the child you were. 

First, do some quiet snooping to find out if there's another man in the picture. If you can rule that out, then you may have a chance to save your marriage. 

Get a copy of the books Lovebusters and His Needs, Her Needs, both by Willard Harley. Read them in that order and try to figure out where the breakdowns have been in your relationship with your wife. Have either of you fallen into habits that might have caused the love to drain away from your relationship? Has she been meeting your most important needs? Have you been meeting hers? What could you both have done differently in that regard? If your wife is willing to attempt to reconcile, see if she will read the books with you and implement the plan contained in them. It's possible to create a happy marriage that works for both of you, where you both feel in love with the other, but it can take work to get there and mindfulness to stay there. 

Chapman's book The Five Love Languages might also be very helpful for you. It sounds like your wife is a "gifts" person, while you may be more interested in "acts of service". You may have been expressing your love for your wife through working on the house, but she may not be able to "hear" your love in those terms. Saying no when she asked for flowers probably felt like you were saying "No, I don't love you" or "No, you're not worth it" to your wife. That's probably not what you meant, but it's what you were effectively communicating to her. Doing things to show love to your partner is only effective if they feel loved in those ways. Working smarter - by expressing love in ways _your partner_ feels loved - not harder, is a better solution. 

And keep in mind that even if your marriage isn't saved, reading books, doing the work, learning about yourself and about healthy relationships, will all help you to be - and find - a great partner and build a healthy relationship in the future.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Sorry, you are here man, it hurts like no other. There's a lot here to digest and there could be plenty of reasons she is 'done'. Going to address a few things and maybe out of order.
> 
> - Do you have any kids?


We do not have kids.



stillfightingforus said:


> - You said you think your last talk pushed her over the edge. Take solace in knowing, just about anything you say or do in the present isn't going to change her mind either way, the talk you had didn't push her away. She had already made that hard decision quite a while ago. Most experts say, women start the leaving process in their mind about 2 years before it actually happens. This is when you have a walkaway wife, a wife that is leaving because they are unhappy for a while, think they are telling you everything they need to tell you to make you happy and then one day they finally make the ultimate decision they have been working towards.
> 
> - Since you have been together so long and since such an early age in life, there's a big chance she feels she didn't get to live her life to the fullest, to see what's out there, all of that type of stuff and that's a normal thing with relationships that begin young, but those are usually for relationships regarding high school sweethearts, you actually supercede that by starting in Grade School.


She mentioned that she wanted to travel the world and explore more things. So I think this is playing a part in what she is feeling. I ended up spoiling my upcoming anniversary surprise for her by telling her about the already booked trip for travel to Europe for a few weeks. It didn't seem to matter. 

I did understand her wants and needs. I was doing my very best to meet all of them, but I know I have faults and limitations.



stillfightingforus said:


> - She's not happy and nothing you can do at this point will change her mind, any chance you have of making an impression on her would have to be done over a long period of time, with no pressure on her. Just working on yourself and bettering yourself, not wavering and not flip-flopping all over the place and while hard as all f'n Hell, not acting sad and lost (even though deep down that's a true feeling).
> 
> - There's probably a lot of things you could have done better in the past but you can't dwell on a lot of that now, you can only use it as a reference as to what to improve upon.
> 
> ...


I already am lost. I don't really know what to do with myself. I really hope you are wrong on this, but I get what you are saying.



stillfightingforus said:


> You mention her spending more time elsewhere. Has she spent more time on her phone, been more guarded of it, have a lock code on it? Has her appearance changed, clothes, any new friends?


She has not been spending more time elsewhere other than her normal activities. She has not been on her phone more or guarding it. Her appearance, clothing, and friends have not changed.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Tell me did your frugal attitude to financial decisions also apply to you.Did you both drive similar vehicles,did you both spend similar amounts on,clothes,hobbies,lunches etc.What about visiting families,did you go to visit yours more often.


The financial decision most definitely applied to me as well. We both did not spend similar amounts. I never needed many things, so I purchased next to nothing. However, I did understand that my wife needed financial independence. So she had a monthly budget that we both agreed on to spend on whatever she wanted.

We both would go on weekly date nights for lavish dining. She would normally go to nail and hair salons bi-weekly as well as a massage parlor. She was also free to buy whatever clothing she wanted. She was also able to buy whatever food she wanted. 

As for family, we did visit my family more often than hers because she did not want to visit her family for her own reasons. The times we did visit my family was at her request. She actually wanted to spend the time with them. I grew up in an environment where family is important. I asked to visit her family a few times so she could spend some time with them, but she never seemed to want to go. 



Andy1001 said:


> Your wife asked you nine months ago about moving and you said you needed to “straighten everything out”.Did you actually do anything or did you just put it on the long finger while hoping she would quit whining.


I had a realtor lined up and he came by the house to evaluate everything. She was in on the whole plan. We were looking to move in the next few months.



Andy1001 said:


> Also was it really going to bring down the Bank of America if you occasionally bought your wife a bunch of flowers.Nobody “needs” a bunch of flowers but that isn’t the point.


This is most definitely my fault. You are right a few flowers would not have been the end of the world. I guess I was more focused on staying on budget to make our lives better. Any excess cash we had would be added to her monthly budget to spend on whatever she wanted. This is still no excuse and it is a mistake that I learned from.



Andy1001 said:


> To be honest you come across as a bully and a skinflint and your talk of “reasonable compromise” is laughable.
> If a woman,especially one who you profess to love asks for some small token of affection then you are allready on thin ice.She shouldn’t have to ask.You refusing her every time is just wrong on so many levels.
> I think she’s done and I take no pleasure in telling you this.


I really hope she doesn't feel like I am a bully. What can I do to change the way I am coming off? I want to change to make her see that I really do love her and would do anything for her. I really hope you are wrong when you say she is done. I need to show her that I can make her happy.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> Waiting for Gus to say "Check your phone bill".
> 
> Possibilities.
> 
> ...


I completely understand what you are saying since I have missed out on all of the same opportunities, but I cannot bear the idea of her being with someone else (not that it is up to me at this point :crying. Its been 15 years, how can I just let go?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brokenhart said:


> The financial decision most definitely applied to me as well. We both did not spend similar amounts. I never needed many things, so I purchased next to nothing. However, I did understand that my wife needed financial independence. So she had a monthly budget that we both agreed on to spend on whatever she wanted.
> 
> We both would go on weekly date nights for lavish dining. She would normally go to nail and hair salons bi-weekly as well as a massage parlor. She was also free to buy whatever clothing she wanted. She was also able to buy whatever food she wanted.
> 
> ...


This post makes things a lot clearer.In your first post you came across as very controlling and you gave off the vibe that because you are married then you didn’t have to pay any attention to your wife’s emotional needs,it sounded like you were running a business instead of a marriage.
I think some of the other posters are correct,your wife feels she is missing out on things that her single friends are doing and she feels trapped.She has to work this out herself,you trying to win her back isn’t going to work.
This may sound counterproductive but you need to tell your wife that you love her and want to see her happy,and you will divorce her amicably so that she can pursue whatever she feels she needs to.This may shock her back into her senses if this is just a whim she is acting on or she may go.Either way you can’t “nice” her back she has to want to come home.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

brokenhart said:


> I completely understand what you are saying since I have missed out on all of the same opportunities, but I cannot bear the idea of her being with someone else (not that it is up to me at this point :crying. Its been 15 years, how can I just let go?


You cannot...let go.

Those memories, some sweet, many overpowering are NOT to be let go.
They are yours' to keep and to cherish.

Keep the memories, release the memory maker.

Her memories?
She has run out of them.
The loving recipes are lost.....to you.

Her, wanting to move back to her old city?
It is 'likely' there that she has friends and a support group.

I mentioned a POSOM, maybe not true.
Then again, maybe a dream she never let go of.

She feels she has a future there, just not with you.

This is the seven year itch, the second cycle, thereof.
The cold hands of Saturn..... making her feelings for you 'unwarm'.
Convincing her she is dissatisfied, her having an empty heart. 
Somewhere else, someone else is better than your love.




SunCMars-


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## Darkman (Jun 30, 2018)

Hello, I signed up just because of this thread after being a lurker for many years. I just want to say that I feel your pain because this is very similar to what happened to me last year. Childhood sweetheart that I would do anything for wanted to separate. It's a little different in the sense there was someone else she was attached to emotionally (eventually physically) but trust me, I feel your pain. 

I just want to say that it is extremely difficult to change her mind, you think that you have so much time invested that it acts like a form of equity, like .. we have been together so long no way she throws it away but at the end, she did. Don't be fooled by the equity, it doesn't matter. If you want her, fight for her but know it will be a hard process to change a person once the decision is made. Mine was different, there was another person and because of that, I needed to put history aside and realize she made the decision to give up on me. Assuming there isn't another person involved ( which I strongly urge you to investigate) you should fight. Remember, all it takes is one person at her job to be saying little things here and there and all that adds up over time. I truly hope that is not the case but you need to Atleast know it's possible so you dont get hit with a bombshell like I did. I can fill you in on how it's been the last few months but that is a discussion for another time. Figure out what's really going on and realize how much of a hill you have to climb in either circumstance. 

*** +1 to the poster above saying people change, I truly believe this and it may be just that. The fact that you saved for a trip that would be a trip of anyone's dreams and she shrugged it off is bothersome. Either she has made a decision or more is at play. Good luck bro, I'm rooting for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

BH, sorry you are here but it does sound that you got together when you were too young and she thinks far away fields are greener. Let her go, I would suggest you do the 180 and try and do things for yourself. Go and see a lawyer and see what your options are. You are still young and have your whole life ahead of you. Sounds like she wants to experience life, she will soon realise that what she has is good, but let her. She may well have grown out of the relationship, it happens when people start off too young.
Go and see a counsellor for yourself and try and build your own self esteem up. Act as if you are moving on without her.


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Just wanted to post to vent a few things I was feeling.

Many of the replies are telling me to let her go. I understand where everyone is coming from, but I break down every time I think about it. We've experienced everything together. I've not been getting much sleep. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've been grieving for over a week now. I feel like such a failure and everything is my fault.

I haven't told any friends or family yet about what is going on. I don't think I can bottle this up to myself anymore. I will pay a visit to get some support from others.

I hope she gives me a chance. The sad truth is I know her and I know that once she has made up her mind about anything there is nothing that can change it. She has made up her mind about this. I don't want to accept it. I don't want her to leave me behind. I will be stuck in this moment forever. 

Is it possible to remain friends and in contact with her if she goes through with the divorce? I always want to know her and make sure she is okay no matter what. If she needs a shoulder from across the world I would fly over and lend her mine. Writing this is making me break down again. I need some fresh air.

She is coming back tomorrow to let me know her decision.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

brokenhart said:


> Just wanted to post to vent a few things I was feeling.
> 
> Many of the replies are telling me to let her go. I understand where everyone is coming from, but I break down every time I think about it. We've experienced everything together. I've not been getting much sleep. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've been grieving for over a week now. I feel like such a failure and everything is my fault.
> 
> ...


Everyone here understands what you are saying as most have been there at one point in time. 

Now listen to us, because we have been there. If you ever will have a chance to fix this, or if you want to help yourself heal if she does not come back, you have to do what we are saying. 

1) Let her go, improve yourself, for you, not her...
2) Never ever appear weak with a woman, ever. Do not beg, do not plead, do not cry. This weakness that you are displaying may be one of the reasons that she checked out. Stop, it is pathetic and unattractive. 
3) Hire a PI to make sure she is not having an affair. 

Now, maybe she is not having an affair, OK. But you have to make sure, you have to know what you are dealing with and why. 

And understand that it is possible that nothing you will do may make any difference. 

But we can all tell you that being a weak, pathetic man if absolutely, positively the worst thing you can do. 

Man up, find your balls, improve for you, move on with life. That is all you can do. 

You may not believe us, you may think it is crazy, but you are dealing with thousands of collective years of experience so you may want to listen...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

brokenhart said:


> Many of the replies are telling me to let her go. I understand where everyone is coming from, but I break down every time I think about it. We've experienced everything together. I've not been getting much sleep. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've been grieving for over a week now. I feel like such a failure and everything is my fault.
> 
> I haven't told any friends or family yet about what is going on. I don't think I can bottle this up to myself anymore. I will pay a visit to get some support from others.
> 
> ...


Ok, few here can really understand your position, though all certainly care and want to help. I agree with all that's been said btw.

My W was my first sex partner, though I was (far) from her first. We met in college and immediately hit it off. We were a perfect match really in every way, and worked extremely well as a team up until the first child was born. Not having any other perspective with serious relationships, and having known her for decades, divorce was a scary prospect due to the unknowns. And, yes, there was a lot of grieving the loss of what we once had. I came across a picture of her from shortly after we were married and it makes me wonder what happened to that young woman. We were married more than 30 years.

People will tell you that life after divorce is good, and it is. But you can't know that until you experience it. Just take it as a comfort that things will turn out ok for you even though everything is an unknown. Trust the process. The outcome will be what it will be, and it will be ok.

How to let her go? For me it was very difficult up until I took actions to leave. Something clicked, and I knew it was over.

You sound like a kind hearted man, and you don't wish her ill even though she is causing you great pain. I expect you will always wish her well. Unless you find out she's been cheating, in which case all bets are off! But so far we don't have any evidence she is cheating. I don't think it is healthy to remain _friends_ with her, but you can certainly stay on good terms with her. I think you need to establish your own independent life from her after you split. You need to meet lots of women and have lots of social interactions with people. I know for a long time you'll wish you could tell her about something that happened during your day, and you'll be reminded of her by certain songs or tv shows, etc. Having other friends and other women you are actively involved with is how you get over this. You tell someone other than your W, rather than sitting alone wishing you could tell your W.

Whatever happens, you will handle it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brokenhart said:


> Just wanted to post to vent a few things I was feeling.
> 
> Many of the replies are telling me to let her go. I understand where everyone is coming from, but I break down every time I think about it. We've experienced everything together. I've not been getting much sleep. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've been grieving for over a week now. I feel like such a failure and everything is my fault.
> 
> ...


Here is something for you to read. It describes what's going on with your wife: Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®

There is a post above that you need to read over many times, here's the link: https://talkaboutmarriage.com/going...od-sweetheart-wants-divorce.html#post19603423

Those books will tell you what you need to do to fix this. 

Your wife told you one of her needs but you did understand... she asked for flowers. That means she wanted you to romance her, not take her for granted. It's not really about flowers, it's about your entire relationship and the lack of romance. A large part of marriage is like a business; it's about finances, running a home, and managing things. Because of this many people get lost in the business of marriage and lose to romance and care of each other that is required.

Also your ages are important here. The human brain does not fully mature until about age 26. And women's brains mature earlier than the brains of men. When that final maturing process takes place, we often see a complete personality change in a person. Your wife seems to have reached that point. My bet is that you have not. Once you do, you will see the world very differently than you do now.

This is why statistically marriages in which the woman is under 26 and/or the man under 30 have a failure rate of more than 60%.

Your wife is at a new stage in her life and she sees life very differently than she did before. Add to that the lack of having her needs met in your relationship for a long time and you have what you have now.

Again, read that post I linked to ( https://talkaboutmarriage.com/going...od-sweetheart-wants-divorce.html#post19603423 ) and get the books. They will help you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

…………..…..


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You are wallowing in self pity at the moment. that's understandable and we have all been there at one point or another. It's ok to have some break downs and a whinefest now and then but you can't let your self pity or your despair shape your decisions or dictate your actions.

It's ok to 'feel' bad, but don't let your feelings dictate your actions or decisions.

It time for some tough-love here Brother. 

Some responses in bold below -






brokenhart said:


> Just wanted to post to vent a few things I was feeling.
> 
> *Fine. It's OK to vent. Let your heart bleed if it wants, but make your body start packing and start preparing for your new fabulous life without her. Start making a bucket list of things you want to do on your own or with other people (and it is ok to include dating scenarios and sex and orgies and exotic, sun-filled locations with other chicks in that list) Start getting your legal and financial affairs in order and protected so she doesn't take off to the Bahammas with her BF with YOUR share of the marital assets. Start hitting open houses and looking for a new place to call your own.
> 
> ...


Now for the good news. You are going to survive this and you are going to come out the other side better and stronger and as a more integrated adult man able to pursue his own destiny. 

We have all gone through this and have survived and flourished and thrived and became better men because of it. 

The only difference between you and the rest of us is we all experienced our first hearbreaks (and our second and our third and maybe even fourth and beyond) in our teens and early 20s so by the time we were your age we had a clue of how to handle it and deal with it. 

You will survive this too as long as you pick yourself up and keep moving forward pursuing your own best interests and not doing the "Pick Me! Dance" in chasing her while she rides the (--k carousel.


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Brokenhart, Read my last post. I was with the love of my life for 28+ years when she came to me wanting to separate, to sort out her feelings. Unbeknownst to me, a few months before that, her married preacher started throwing the charm, charisma and promises on her. I was like you, blaming myself, crying every day, with my heart broken in a thousand pieces. I moved out and turned PI. It did not stop the hurt and pain and it was difficult to work and run my business. I started working on improving myself for me and whoever I ended up with. Once we were divorced, I proved her infidelity and decided to move on with my life...EVERYTHING changed. You have to let her go to ever have a chance to get her back. My wife found out what a drunken, serial-cheating womanizer she had fallen for. We reconciled and remarried. It has not been easy, but neither is starting over with someone new at our age, and with two teenagers. Both of you have to give it 100% and you need to give her that time to decide. Be strong, treat her with kindness, no matter what you find out. Be fair if she wants to divorce. Write everything down or record with a VAR if you have trouble remembering. Pull cell phone records if you can. Good luck. One question...Why did you plan a trip to Europe if you can’t afford to romance your wife with $15 in flowers from Wal-Mart? Never stop dating your wife. I did and learned a good lesson. It is the little things that she will remember.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

brokenhart said:


> I completely understand what you are saying since I have missed out on all of the same opportunities, but I cannot bear the idea of her being with someone else (not that it is up to me at this point :crying. Its been 15 years, *how can I just let go?*


I'm going to go against the grain, and encourage you to hold on. Don't let her go. In no other part of life are we ever encouraged to give up on something that means everything to us, because it makes no sense. And it doesn't make sense here either. 

Also, if you stand by and do nothing, you'll forever be plagued with doubt. Always wondering whether you should have done something, whether you could have done something that would have made a difference. Don't do that to yourself. Fight for her like your life depends on it. Women yearn to be pursued. Don't give up, even if she tells you no. If you fail, then you can rest in knowing that you did everything you were capable of doing.



brokenhart said:


> Just wanted to post to vent a few things I was feeling.
> 
> Many of the replies are telling me to let her go. I understand where everyone is coming from, but I break down every time I think about it. We've experienced everything together. I've not been getting much sleep. This is the hardest thing I've had to go through. I've been grieving for over a week now. I feel like such a failure and everything is my fault.
> 
> ...


Have you considered talking to her family and friends? Go to *her *support structure, not yours, and let them know how much she means to you. Pour your heart out, and ask them to help you. They can then, hopefully, help pull you together, rather than tear you apart. I'd do this now, *NOW*, before you meet with her tomorrow. Drive or fly to her mother, and then best friends. Meet with them, and pour yourself out. Maybe it will help turn the tide. Our decisions and thought processes are heavily influenced by those close to us.

I'd also recommend you read "His Needs, Her Needs" and start meeting her emotional needs as much as you are able.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

rv10flyer said:


> Brokenhart, Read my last post. I was with the love of my life for 28+ years when she came to me wanting to separate, to sort out her feelings. Unbeknownst to me, a few months before that, her married preacher started throwing the charm, charisma and promises on her. I was like you, blaming myself, crying every day, with my heart broken in a thousand pieces. I moved out and turned PI. It did not stop the hurt and pain and it was difficult to work and run my business. I started working on improving myself for me and whoever I ended up with. Once we were divorced, I proved her infidelity and decided to move on with my life...EVERYTHING changed. You have to let her go to ever have a chance to get her back. My wife found out what a drunken, serial-cheating womanizer she had fallen for. We reconciled and remarried. It has not been easy, but neither is starting over with someone new at our age, and with two teenagers. Both of you have to give it 100% and you need to give her that time to decide. Be strong, treat her with kindness, no matter what you find out. Be fair if she wants to divorce. Write everything down or record with a VAR if you have trouble remembering. Pull cell phone records if you can. Good luck. One question...Why did you plan a trip to Europe if you can’t afford to romance your wife with $15 in flowers from Wal-Mart? Never stop dating your wife. I did and learned a good lesson. It is the little things that she will remember.


Omg. You remarried her?
Sorry bro.

All this need for romance crap—- nah, that’s just claimed by women who are cheating and placing blame on their husband. A good woman/wife treats her husband in a way that makes him want to romance her. She’s not constantly thinking of herself and how her husband is not doing x, y, z for her—- because she is thinking about ways to make her man happy.
It’s both of a couple’s fault in most cases when the”romance” stops.

OP. Your wife is going to make you feel the end of your marriage is all your fault, while for the last few months, she’s been banging another dude.
You need to find out the truth.

Old shirt is right. The pity party won’t fix things. Now is the time to discover who you really are. Are you a man who takes care of business, or a perso who lets life beat him down and cause him to cower in the shadows?

Your wife has given you a gift. Accept it. Don’t fight for a memory. Your wife is no longer the person you once knew. You’ll see shortly what I mean.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BioFury said:


> I'm going to go against the grain, and encourage you to hold on. Don't let her go. In no other part of life are we ever encouraged to give up on something that means everything to us, because it makes no sense. And it doesn't make sense here either.
> 
> Also, if you stand by and do nothing, you'll forever be plagued with doubt. Always wondering whether you should have done something, whether you could have done something that would have made a difference. Don't do that to yourself. Fight for her like your life depends on it. Women yearn to be pursued. Don't give up, even if she tells you no. If you fail, then you can rest in knowing that you did everything you were capable of doing.
> 
> ...


If he's worth the salt in his tears, then all these people you want him to grovel to already know that he lives her and has treated her well.

He's been at her bec and call since they were 12 years old - she's still leaving and it is highly likely she is banging someone else. 

If he has to grovel and plead with her mommy and daddy to get her to come back, they why would he want someone that had to be sent home by her parents?

This is the stuff of Harliquin Romance paperbacks. 

If she gets guilted into going back by some grand, dramatic gesture, then much longer do you think it will be before she gets restless or meets some other dude and takes off again?

How many more grand gestures and and drama will he need to do?


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## Kirk401 (Jun 3, 2018)

I know how you're feeling you're desperate, can't sleep, can't work etc. I married my childhood sweetheart I met at 14 and have known her now for over 30 years. Once the kids grew up I could see the writing on the wall that things were not heading in the right direction. I thought it was always forever but I was wrong. I was so focused on my business and put a lot of stuff off year after year. I always said I wasn't gonna be like my father but ended up much like him in some ways! 

She started doing her own thing with new friends and we hardly talked anymore. One night when I was stressed out I looked for advice on message board and I got the typical responses "hire a investigator she's a cheating tramp" and "just tell her I want a divorce and put her in her place" and similar stuff. Freaked me out and I had a "talk" with her the next day. I thought I could convince her to see how wrong she was and it was all her fault lol! Well that just made things 10x worse!!!!! If your wife hasn't checked out totally and is willing to at least stay all you can do is show her the new you and be consistent for the rest of your life. It will be very difficult. I saved my marriage, took a few years but its better now than its been in a long long time. 

Depending on the situation it may take years for her to love you again like she once did. Find a marriage coach/ adviser for yourself to talk to it really helps if you have no one to talk too. Everyone's situation is so totally different its impossible to get the exact advice you need on a forum like this.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you planned your anniversary trip to Europe, how did you know that it would not conflict with her work schedule or her plans? See, this was a major decision made unilaterally by you. Your wife missed out on the excitement of planning for and looking forward to the trip because you wanted to play Big Daddy. 

It does sound like you have a tendency to browbeat your wife into seeing things your way. Just because she acquiesces doesn't mean she won't feel resentful. You two are a team and you've been behaving more in a parent/child dynamic.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Blondilocks said:


> When you planned your anniversary trip to Europe, how did you know that it would not conflict with her work schedule or her plans? See, this was a major decision made unilaterally by you. Your wife missed out on the excitement of planning for and looking forward to the trip because you wanted to play Big Daddy.
> 
> It does sound like you have a tendency to browbeat your wife into seeing things your way. Just because she acquiesces doesn't mean she won't feel resentful. You two are a team and you've been behaving more in a parent/child dynamic.


I had bought an open ended ticket so we could discuss and plan it together later on. I wasn't sure when she would get off of work.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I feel for you. I was a little luckier. My childhood sweetheart, and then fiancée, is married to a woman. At least I avoided a messy divorce and she found what was missing from her life.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

How much time does your wife spend on FB, Instagram, Twatter, etc? All the places where responsible people are lured into the #YOLO, #FOMO mindset, and forever ruin their lives trying to achieve what other people supposedly have.

EDIT: After reading your update below, never mind about the social media thing? lol


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Thank all of you for your support. A lot has happened this past few days, which is why I haven't posted. I read the replies I was getting from everyone and it has help me make a decision. I decided to let her go. 

We met in the morning for coffee, reminisced about old times and laughed at a few jokes. It seems like everything was going well. Then the conversation turned a bit more serious since I couldn't resist asking the question. I asked her if she has made her decision and "I need to know if I have to let you go". We sat there for a very long time looking each other in the eyes and I occasionally re-asked the question to remind her why we are staring at each other. After much time, she replied "I need to let you go."

I thanked her for letting me know and told her to get the paperwork started as soon a possible because I have to move on. I also let her know that I will be letting all of my family know that we will be separating and I will stop by her families house to let them know why we have failed because they deserve an explanation. We walked back to the car and I dropped her to her mother's house. Before I left, I handed her a box saying I didn't need it anymore. In the box was everything I kept since we were kids. It included every movie ticket we've ever bought together, along with plane tickets, and other items that were sentimental to me.

I headed to my family's home where I slowly broke the news to everyone over the course of the day. They were all very shocked, but supportive. I guess in some way I received closure and something inside of me switched off. 

Now here is the bizarre part. 

Nine hours after this all unfolded, she called me crying uncontrollable and apologizing. She said she does want to try and will give 100%. She is uncertain of a lot of thing, but the one thing she is certain about is that she does not want to live a life without me in it. She says she is "all in" and she wants to prove it to me, she will be waiting up for me until I get home surprise: I guess she came back home). I ended up saying "I can't talk about this right now and I will talk to you whenever I get home".

I got home very late that night. She was still up, crying uncontrollably with her family all there unable to console her. I noticed that the box I have given her was opened and items were scattered across the floor. She announced her love for me and that she does not want to lose me. She also apologized for all the pain and the emotional roller coaster she put me through. I comforted her and said everything is going to be okay. "You will find your happiness with or without me". We continued for quite some time, when she asked me not to give up. I told her I need some time to think. Everyone left and we went to sleep.

The next day, I went to work and called her during my lunch break to check if she was okay as I always do. Apparently, she couldn't go to work. She was breaking down and instead she went to my parent's house and was apologizing and crying uncontrollably again. She said she was emotionally confused and she acted out of frustration and anger. She seems very genuine in wanting to give this another shot, but now I have a different problem.

I've moved on and I don't know if I can come back. I am confused whether I want to give this another shot or not. I don't know what to do. I've followed the advice to let her go. What should I do?


By the way, I did a little investigation before all of this occurred without her knowing. I secured her phone and tracked all of her previous GPS locations as well as old text messages and phone calls, especially for the times she was away. She does not have any social media accounts and I've gone through her e-mails. She was not seeing anyone else and her whereabouts lined up with her GPS location and stories.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Wow, I think you handled this really well in the end. 

But what to do? 

So let's say that you and everyone is absolutely, 110% positive, without a shadow of a doubt certain that she has not had any type of affair. While I honestly find that hard to believe, so far you have no evidence, so let's just say. 

For me, I would really take my time thinking about this slowly. Now, if I decided to give her a chance, IF, I would proceed very carefully. 

Others will disagree, but frankly, I would make her take a surprise poly graph. No they are not perfect, so let's not have that argument. But I would have to do that to be sure this is an emotional issue and nothing else. It would give you peace of mind. 

Now, if you were to think about giving her a chance, she needs some serious counseling from a good counselor. She needs to find out what is up. 

And this whole time you guys don't have to be living together if you do not want that.

Whatever you do, man, take your time. Now, after everything, you are in the drives seat, and you need to stay there. 

Hell, she might change her mind in a month...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

brokenhart said:


> Thank all of you for your support. A lot has happened this past few days, which is why I haven't posted. I read the replies I was getting from everyone and it has help me make a decision. I decided to let her go.
> 
> We met in the morning for coffee, reminisced about old times and laughed at a few jokes. It seems like everything was going well. Then the conversation turned a bit more serious since I couldn't resist asking the question. I asked her if she has made her decision and "I need to know if I have to let you go". We sat there for a very long time looking each other in the eyes and I occasionally re-asked the question to remind her why we are staring at each other. After much time, she replied "I need to let you go."
> 
> ...


Don’t burn any bridges just yet.But don’t start building any either.
Let her earn her way back into your life,if you just try and rugsweep this who’s to say in another couple of years she doesn’t pull the same stunt.
Make it very clear to her that as far as you are concerned nothing is decided one way or another and if you do get back together it will be YOUR decision not hers.
I find it very telling that once you made it clear you were moving on she suddenly rediscovered her love for you.I really hope this wasn’t a **** test on her part but if it was you played it perfectly.(Eventually)
Either way this proves to her (And you) that you can move on without her if necessary and at the very least she will have regained some respect for you.
As regards another man.Trust but verify.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I think your gut instinct is correct. You need to move forward. She is not good marriage material. If you want to try dating after the divorce, fine. But I would wait awhile and let your feet get a good grip first. You've been shocked and rocked. No need to take on anymore right now.

She sounds like a drama llama. She wanted freedom and to control her emotions through you. You didn't take the bait and moved on. Now she is all tears for fears. Well, your young and you need someone that will be able to last a LIFETIME. Not 3 years of marriage. Give me a break.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Awesome reframe. Now use this, if it's your intention, to make a better marriage. 

If this experience doesn't open your eyes to the red pill, nothing will. 

Learn more about this and you should be fine.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

I decided to take a risk with my wife. She seems very genuine in wanting to make this work. She explained that she did not know how to properly express her emotions and we were communicating at two different levels. We will try to rebuild our relationship with baby steps and healthier habits moving forward.

We both feel that we have not missed out on any of the typical experiences just because we've been together since grade school, this includes not being with other partners.

I am still doing a bit of snooping to find out if there is/was someone else. She is terrible at technology, so she wouldn't be good at hiding things, but I am also looking at all possibilities/signs of someone else. So far all signs point to no. She just seemed frustrated and felt that she was being taken advantage of since we weren't speaking the same language.

We have scheduled weekly sessions for a marriage counselor and individual counseling. The sessions are with a common counselor so he can see both sides, find common grounds and help to show us where we need improvement.

I will be picking up and reading a few of the books that were recommended in previous posts to continue improving myself.

TAM has helped me so much. Thank all of you for your support. I will give updates if requested and I will post if or when we run in to any milestones. Hopefully, at the end of this long and difficult journey it can be a wonderful story that can inspire others.

If not anything else, I've learned more about myself than I ever did. I'll continue to work on bettering myself. I also now know I can move on if I need to.


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## brokenhart (Jun 24, 2018)

Hey guys, its been a while since I posted. I wanted to give an update on how things worked out in the end.

We've been working through our problems for the last few months. I've made a complete 180 and things were starting to look better. Unfortunately, my wife was so undecided and the relationship was so fragile that anything that was remotely irritating caused her to doubt the entire relationship.

I really did try everything I could, but in the end she wanted a divorce. We are currently going through the process. While it hurts, I re-read all of the previous posts and it is helping me. I will become a better person and move forward. Again, thank you all for your support.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man. Now you know you have to let this go.

It would be best (no kids) to go complete no contact. Her family too.

You don't want to be around watching her date others or her you.

Do not do the "friends" thing. It'll only keep you bound up in this.

At some point you'll have another relationship and no,other woman is going to want an X in the mix.

So for yourself and future once all the affairs are finished with D block everything so you can move on.

It's your best path at this time.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You tried and gave her more opportunity than she deserved so there should be zero regrets on your part. If you had not presented her with the box of memorabilia, I suspect you would have gotten to this point much sooner. She was in the "good ol' days" mode while trying to reconcile, and that eventually dwindles out. You have already grown and improved yourself, so stay on that path and you will find someone who deserves to be with you.


> _Don't let the shadows of yesterday spoil the sunshine of tomorrow. Live for today.
> Nandina Morris_


 Best of luck in your new road to happiness.




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