# can they be friends?



## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I have posted a few times about my marriage. I need more advice as the situation has changed again. Husband wants our marriage to work and wants to get rid of the feelings he has about being restricted. He says he's most upset that I "have the power to tell him who he can and cannot talk to unless it's work related". Those were his words to me. There was ONE woman at work that our therapist and I think he needed to stop having personal conversations with. Mainly because she was one of the women he betrayed me with and because they have developed an intimate relationship. I understand they are friends and I honestly hate taking a friend away from him, but I truly feel they are simply too close. She married while they were messing around. (No physical contact, but there were texts and videos)

Do you think it's possible for them to be friends still given their previous relationship? I find it weird that one of the women who helped him break his vows is the one he goes to when he needs to talk. At the same time I want him to be able to talk to someone. Should I just say go for it and talk to her but let him know what he tells her he should also be able to tell me?

I have no desire to control him at all. I simply want him and I to both be happy. 

Husband and I are going to have a serious talk about what's going on Thursday and I want to be prepared with what I want to say. 

I guess I should come up with boundaries. I just find that hard because I thought he would have known when he was crossing the line. I always went by the rule "if you don't want your partner doing it, then don't you do it".


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Noooo!
I couldn't/wouldn't accept that.

How do you know the affair isn't still gong on?

How many women did he betray you with? (sorry if this has been posted by you on another thread before)

Would he accept this if the situation was reversed and it was you still in contact with your AP? I doubt it.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

He told me had I done what he did he would not have stayed with me. 

They are no longer messing around. I'm pretty confident in that. I just know he would talk to her about things I feel he should have been talking to me about. He would also tell her our problems...which is basically his betrayal. Other than this we have no other issues. 

He was texting, doing videos and webcam with about 5 women. I saw all the photos and videos. He physically touched another woman's breasts at work when she unbuttoned her blouse for him during a should rub he was giving. Which he no longer is allowed to do!

I guess I am struggling with his words about how angry he is about me telling him to stop personal conversations with her and me not wanting to be a controlling person.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

If I was on a diet, I wouldn't have the candy bowl on the coffee table.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

You can't control him. You AREN'T controlling him. He's making you feel that way so that he can continue his behavior and you will be "forced" to accept it.

You can give him a choice. It is not for control. Tell him he can choose you or her. If he chooses you, he isn't to talk to her anymore. If he chooses her, then you will move on with someone you can be happy with.

You obviously aren't happy or comfortable with his relationship with her and it's unreasonable for him to think you should be. Most people wouldn't be.

Tell him you aren't controlling him. You are giving him a choice. He is cake eating. You do not have control over his decisions but you DO have control over yours, and tell him you choose to be happy. In the current situation you aren't happy, and it's purely conditional.

Expecting someone to be faithful in a marriage is not being CONTROLLING. He has obviously cheated before. He lost those privileges. You don't dislike her because she is a FRIEND you dislike her because she is a love/sex interest of his, or at least was (but likely still is). That is not controlling.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Husband wants our marriage to work and wants to get rid of the feelings he has about being restricted. He says he's most upset that I "have the power to tell him who he can and cannot talk to unless it's work related".


 Your husband cheats, rug sweeps, and now wants to cake eat as if it never happened. Not only should you say no, but you should say hell no. He has no right to be angry. You are the one that should be angry that he is showing no remorse for his cheating by even asking you this. How dare he even bring this hurtful matter up again with you. What a jerk.

As for him feeling "restricted", it is called marriage. In marriage you are not allowed to cheat with another women. I have bad news for you. He still has feelings for this women and wants you to trust him so that you can treat again. 

Many couples do not allow opposite sex friends at all. Most that do allow opposite sex friends, do not allow opposite sex friends if they had any romantic history with each other in the past. No one allows people to resume opposite sex friendships with people that they have cheated on with in the past.

You need to not blink an eye when you tell him no. You need to be angry with him for trying to pressure you to allow him to be friends with her again. You need to tell him that he clearly is not over her and that he needs to look for another job. He has a choice, you or her. You have a choice to leave him if he does not pick you.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sweet n sour... disucssing your personal problems with another woman is a big no-no!

The other sex stuff..arrhh!

I don't think you are being at all unreasonable...you seem to be a most forgiving and loving wife..... probably more so than he deserves right now.

Stand your ground!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> I guess I am struggling with his words about how angry he is about me telling him to stop personal conversations with her and me not wanting to be a controlling person.


 Why on earth are you struggling with this? There are consequences for cheating. One consequence is that you lose the right to be friends with your affair partner. Considering that divorce is another possible consequence, he is getting off easy. He himself told you that had you "done what he did he would not have stayed with" you.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

I honestly agree with the comments. I need to stand firm. It's just so hard when he's been really good at making me feel bad. I know she is a good friend of his. Had they not done what they did in the past I wouldn't mind their friendship. 

I wonder if he found someone else to talk to like he did her if they would also establish a strong bond. Perhaps that means he shouldn't talk to other women like that.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Male/female friendships are difficult at the best of times i think... impossible if there is an physical attraction.

Does he have any male 'mates' that he can talk to?
Do you belong to a church?

Having someone to vent to is good but not when that person has the power to destroy your marriage.

Best of luck with your talk.


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## sweet n sour (Feb 1, 2012)

We don't belong to a church. He has really good male friends but doesn't want to discuss personal issues with them at all. Perhaps he is more comfortable talking to women...or maybe it's more talking to her.

I just hate that this will probably become more than it should when we talk. I want us to work because we are really good for each other and there is tons of love in the relationship. I just fear there is too much respect lacking on his part for me. He's being very selfish.


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## gatoluvr (Feb 15, 2012)

I am in the same situation. I had to send my husband a link to "emotional infidelity" before he "got it". He thought he was not doing anything wrong. I also told him that if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed a break from her. It's not easy and I don't know the right answer. But if he is committed to your marriage he would be willing to work it out without accusations.
I like you feel confident my husband has not done anything inappropriate since but the trust is gone and hard to rebuild. He has to understand where you are coming from and willing to change and understand the damage he has done if it's to work.


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## lostmylove (Feb 11, 2012)

gatoluvr said:


> I am in the same situation. I had to send my husband a link to "emotional infidelity" before he "got it". He thought he was not doing anything wrong. I also told him that if he wanted our marriage to work that he needed a break from her. It's not easy and I don't know the right answer. But if he is committed to your marriage he would be willing to work it out without accusations.
> I like you feel confident my husband has not done anything inappropriate since but the trust is gone and hard to rebuild. He has to understand where you are coming from and willing to change and understand the damage he has done if it's to work.


Can you give me the link please?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No, they can't be friends.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey SweetSour---You are kidding, right---What were you just dropped on this planet

Your H., was messing with 5 women, inapprropriately touching some, doing other things with others, and you let him tell you, how things are gonna be

Your F'ing H., doesn't get to say word #1 about ANYTHING

You lay down the law, you tell him what he will and what he can/can't do---and if he doesn't like any of it---you tell him he start having relations with a D. atty, as in defending agst your action.

You do not be nice about any of this-----you need to be harsh, hard as nails, and you get in his F'ing face and stay there.

He does not get to have friends with ANY females---he can't be trusted----by all rights, if he is messing around at his job---you should demand he leave that job like yesterday

guess what, i am gonna tell you what your future is gonna be---I am not gonna predict, I am gonna tell you----It is gonna be a LIFE OF MISERY

Get your head out of the sand, stand up for your self, show some self worth and dignity, and tell your H. what will be, and how it is to be done!!!!!!!!!!!


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

To protect your marriage your husband should be implementing a set of what is called extraordinary precautions , the first is he cannot be in contact with or confiding with any woman other than for business reason only. He has shown he is willing to cheat therefore he removes the opportunity for future temptation.

For your marriage to recover working with this female friend is a no no nor should be be talking to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> I have posted a few times about my marriage. I need more advice as the situation has changed again. Husband wants our marriage to work and wants to get rid of the feelings he has about being restricted. He says he's most upset that I "have the power to tell him who he can and cannot talk to unless it's work related". Those were his words to me. There was ONE woman at work that our therapist and I think he needed to stop having personal conversations with. Mainly because she was one of the women he betrayed me with and because they have developed an intimate relationship. I understand they are friends and I honestly hate taking a friend away from him, but I truly feel they are simply too close. She married while they were messing around. (No physical contact, but there were texts and videos)
> 
> Do you think it's possible for them to be friends still given their previous relationship? I find it weird that one of the women who helped him break his vows is the one he goes to when he needs to talk. At the same time I want him to be able to talk to someone. Should I just say go for it and talk to her but let him know what he tells her he should also be able to tell me?
> 
> ...


It's not about you controlling him, and yes, you should definitely come up with boundaries. Never assume that your partner will know when he/she is crossing the line! This must be clearly defined, trust me, I learned the hard way. My H too, thought I was being controlling, but I persevered, explained WHY I needed things to be this way, and I gave him hard core examples of why. Many of those examples, I read here on this forum. The others, were our own personal experiences.

As for remaining friends with the woman he betrayed you with, that's out of line! If you let this happen, YOU will never be happy.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> He told me had I done what he did he would not have stayed with me.
> 
> *They are no longer messing around. I'm pretty confident in that. I just know he would talk to her about things I feel he should have been talking to me about. He would also tell her our problems...which is basically his betrayal. Other than this we have no other issues. *He was texting, doing videos and webcam with about 5 women. I saw all the photos and videos. He physically touched another woman's breasts at work when she unbuttoned her blouse for him during a should rub he was giving. Which he no longer is allowed to do!
> 
> I guess I am struggling with his words about how angry he is about me telling him to stop personal conversations with her and me not wanting to be a controlling person.


You know, you should really expose this to their employers, and get them both FIRED.

No contact! He should be quitting the job anyway, if his APs work there!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sweet n sour said:


> Do you think it's possible for them to be friends still given their previous relationship?


It's not possible if you want to restore your marriage. 

If he can't see that, then you need to decide whether you want to stay with someone who has chosen to continue a relationship (any relationship) with the person he betrayed you with. 

Oh and I do hope you told her husband about the affair.


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## The Gottman Institute (Feb 7, 2012)

Their relationship has been inappropriate in the past, the probability that it will go back there is very high. I agree that some boundaries need to be established. He needs to find a new "friend" to talk to.


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## gatoluvr (Feb 15, 2012)

Here is the link I sent him and the link he went to when I was telling my husband about his emotional infidelity
When friendship becomes an emotional affair - Today, Weekend Edition - TODAY.com and Emotional affair - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia 
I think he finally started understanding that I was not "crazy" but what he was saying and doing was not harmless talk between friends. Especially with what he was telling her. I hope this helps.


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