# What to do???



## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Hello Everyone,

I have been a member of TAM for a few years now. 

I have been dealing with virtually the same main issue in my marriage for a long time. While my wife and I typically have sex once or twice a month, it really only happens once I beg for it a couple of weeks. My wife rarely initiates any physical affection (hugs, etc.) or sex. It is up to me, and she often lets me know that she has the power to reject me.

We have been in this cycle where we have sex and everything in my world is fine for a few days. Then when I approach my wife again for sex and I get rejected, I am fine for another few days, but after 10 days or so, I start getting resentful. Every two or three months we end up in a large fight. Usually ending with her giving in and being intimate. Also ends with her apologizing for being so stubborn. That she loves me and never wants to lose me. etc. etc. etc. But in another week or two the same issue is back.

I am ready to do something about it. But I have no idea where to start.

Background:

Married 26 years been together for 30 years
Me - 50 years old - run a successful business
Her - 47 years old - SAHM for the last 21 years
Kids - 3 - all done high school - youngest just graduated - two of them living at home

I haven't done anything other than argue with her about it in the past because I feel my only option is to leave. And I haven't been ready to call her bluff. I really don't want to lose her.

I am now ready to call her bluff, I am ready to be alone rather than suffer in this marriage. We have been fighting a bunch lately and she knows I am close to the end.

But I have no idea what to do ... Things I have thought about:

1) Just leave and see what her response is.
2) Set up Marriage Counseling for us. I have asked her to do this and she has always refused, but maybe I should set up and an appointment for us and see if she shows up. 
3) Tell her she has to get a job.
4) Stay in the house but move to a spare bedroom and live my own life. This is what I have been doing the last couple of months, but we still share the same bed. I get weak and reach out to her every few days.
5) Take control of the finances. Close joint accounts and credit cards and put her on an allowance. 

I have thought about doing 3, 4 and 5 together, but it really just makes me look like a jerk. Don't think this would make her more attracted to me. 

I had previously written out a letter telling her I was ready to leave and what would happen. I detailed everything down to how much the business was worth, how much alimony she would receive, selling the house, etc. I didn't give it to her.

I was thinking the letter might wake her up as to how serious I am about our issues. But it also sounds pretty good to her as she would still have a considerable amount of money. She should know this, but I am not sure she has thought it all out. My fear is that she might read the letter and say "sounds great, when are you moving out". 

Any suggestions????


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

If it was me, a combination of #1 and 2. In my book, you have to let her know that you're at the end of your rope, but want to give it one last go (#2) before you start packing. If she refuses counseling, even knowing that this is the last chance, you'll have all the answers you need.

Sorry brother.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I'm not as old as you so things might be different with a woman that age-- I hope not. I'm thinking you need to catch her in her room or somewhere she's relaxing with a book and start doing some stuff that you know makes her crazy for sex. Surely you know after all these years what those things are. Don't ask, catch her relaxed and rip her freaking clothes off. Women need for you to want them like that. When you get em off, do whatever it is you know she likes and work up to fulfilling all her needs then letting her take care of yours. You need to get her fantasizing about having sex with you again by taking care of her needs and making it something for her to look forward to. . Pull out some toys or whatever it takes. Tie her up-- they all like that crap! At least mine does...... 

You may have already tried that, but the only way you're going to get more, is making her want you more. Paperwork and separation ain't going to get it done--- guaranteed. Keep in mind, I'm recently separated, so I know I'm a failure lol. But we had a lot of sex up to the day she left, and I'm seeing her tonight.

Hate it for you, but the sex thing is something you got to work at. Then maybe she just has a low sex drive and you're screwed. You don't want a wife that's not into it as much as you are, or doesn't even try--- I get it. You can study up, though, and see if you can get her fired up.
Good luck.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Oh, and remember timing is everything!


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Agreed!! Sometimes they may not think they're in the mood, but you can change that by just doing! I've had the same issue with my husband bc he's insecure about his ED. If she rejects you then, then maybe she has other issues and not happy in the marriage but won't say anything bc she's dependent and overwhelmed by the thought of having to get a job and be on her own??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

At that age some probably don't want to start over, I don't even want to start over at my age! Not that your that old, but if you're not happy and she won't change or make an effort to go to counseling then you need to make yourself happy and be upfront with her. Don't let it get to the point where you consider an affair or anything, that's the cowardly way out I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

To me one of life's great ironies is that men think too much with their d!cks and women don't think with their $&@#$& enough. Women are raised to find a good provider and father and as such don't look for someone they're very attracted to. Then of course the poor guy gets either cut off or duty sex. Women should be encouraged to consider this; as for men, the only thing I can tell you is to pay attention to whether your woman really comes on to you or is simply willing to have sex.

OP,, your wife isn't that into you. Start living your own life, though if that includes another woman just file for divorce. No decent woman is going to get involved with a married man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

All the kids are graduated high school! Unless she's ill or caring for a special needs child, there is absolutely no reason for not to be working. She needs to get a job.

I would do 2, 3 and 4 for now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Getting a job seems like good advice to me too. Sitting around with no exercise will ruin anyone's sex drive---- don't know if that's what she's doing, just sayin'.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

As an LD wife I say 2 is the most important. She needs to figure out why she doesn't want sex. Is she LD, is she responsive drive, does she relate sex with shame, is she only LD with you, etc. A marriage just can't continue without intimacy. Resentment and contempt will take over. If she just isn't into you you both need to be prepared to accept that.

If she refuses 2, then 3 and 4 should commence, and not secretly. Put it right out there in the open. Divorce is imminent, she needs to get a job because this situation will not continue. Start to detach yourself, it will make a divorce easier. I would not move out without talking to a lawyer. Same with finances. Talk to a lawyer first before causing bigger problems down the line.

Why does sex have to be so difficult for some of us? It causes so much pain and anger when spouses aren't on the same page.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

2 and 3. No exceptions, either she willingly and productively participates in MC or you're done. The marriage needs a lot of help which you cannot do all by yourself, nor will just reading a book be enough. She needs to figure out or face what is affecting her. If there is a history of child sex abuse or some kind of strong negative teachings as a child about sex, she needs IC to work on those. And she needs to have something productive to do with her time. With a team effort you two could retire sooner. There is no reason for you to be the mule to haul her around.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I spoke with her this morning. She was crying as I tried to hug her.

I told her that I was going to call a Marriage Counselor and make an appointment for us. I told her I didn't want to give up on our marriage without talking to someone about it.

I asked her if she would attend with me, because she has always said no. She didn't answer.

I have been searching the internet trying to find a counselor that has good reviews and deals with couples and intimacy issues. Not having much success. I think I am just going to have to call someone and make the appointment.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

I hope she goes with you. It was so incredibly hard to do back when I needed to. It really was the best thing that happened for us. I know you are angry but if she does go try really hard to figure out the core of her problem no matter how painful or humiliating. The truth is better than a sham of a marriage.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sam,
The truly sad thing about your situation is that you don't believe you could be happy with someone else. And I mean believe - deep down inside where it counts. 

And that has likely been the biggest single part of your marriage unraveling over time. 

You should do IC. Because until you believe that YOU can be happy independent of S2, you are going to remain very unhappy.

And I'm going to add: your wife will likely find someone else who she is more compatible with, and that's more than ok, it's a good thing. She's the mother of your children and you want her to come out of this ok. 

She likely avoids counseling because she believes (probably correctly) that a counselor can't teach her to love you, any more than she does. And sadly, she doesn't love you that much - at least not like a wife really loves a H.




SadSamIAm said:


> I spoke with her this morning. She was crying as I tried to hug her.
> 
> I told her that I was going to call a Marriage Counselor and make an appointment for us. I told her I didn't want to give up on our marriage without talking to someone about it.
> 
> ...


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I agree with Mem

SadSam-

A MC will never make a wife desire their spouse... Save the money for attorney fees.

Make your wife get a job... My wife has a job now after 10 years of being a SAHM... She didn't have a choice....

Most nights, I sleep in the other room.... That doesn't phase my wife at all.

My wife has her own bank account now I have my own and we have a joint account. We are about to get rid of the joint account. So I agree separate bank accounts and make your open up her own. You can add her "allowance" that way...it may make the transition to allimony easier.

If you don't already, find hobby's and interest... That has helped be detatch as well and helped me to get out and meet people...I no longer fear that I will be friendless and alone. I have many interest to keep me busy..

My wife will comply with sex every 3rd night or so, but I feel the resentments build... Once a week is fine for her..... I don't care for sex with her anymore but it beats masterbating...

Have you talked to an attorney yet?

Is it in your budget to have your own place?

What skills does your wife have for employment?... After so long being a SAHM, her choices may be severely limited.

I think I may have to leave before I file for a D... I can't imagine filing while under the same roof... My wife could be just fine with that though, as long as I stay...She will comply with sex just so I don't leave...She would be happy to D, as !long as we kept an intact family...

SadSam

If you filed for a D and your wife started to initiate sex just to prevent a D, would you be OK with that or would you still want to D?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Sam,
> The truly sad thing about your situation is that you don't believe you could be happy with someone else. And I mean believe - deep down inside where it counts.
> 
> And that has likely been the biggest single part of your marriage unraveling over time.
> ...


I normally agree with most everything you post MEM, but you are wrong with the above.

I know I could be happy with someone else. That isn't the problem. The reason I stay isn't because I don't think I could find someone else. 

The reason I have stayed is because of committment. Nobody in my family has been divorced. I love my wife and when she lets her guard down, I truly believe she loves me.





> And I'm going to add: your wife will likely find someone else who she is more compatible with, and that's more than ok, it's a good thing. She's the mother of your children and you want her to come out of this ok.


I am sure she would. Because she is attractive and a good person. 



> She likely avoids counseling because she believes (probably correctly) that a counselor can't teach her to love you, any more than she does. And sadly, she doesn't love you that much - at least not like a wife really loves a H.


I think she avoids counseling because ....

- she doesn't want to give away her power by having someone tell her she is wrong
- she doesn't want anyone to think she is anything less than perfect
- she has some insecurities from growing up with an alcholic, narcissistic father (who she is very much like) that she is scared she might have to discuss


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Trickster said:


> I agree with Mem
> 
> SadSam-
> 
> ...


We don't need the money and she doesn't handle timelines very well (late for everything). If we get back on track, I wouldn't want the stress of her having a job cause other issues.




> Most nights, I sleep in the other room.... That doesn't phase my wife at all.


I moved to a spare room for a month a couple of years back. My wife hated it. But she didn't do anything about it.




> My wife has her own bank account now I have my own and we have a joint account. We are about to get rid of the joint account. So I agree separate bank accounts and make your open up her own. You can add her "allowance" that way...it may make the transition to allimony easier.
> 
> If you don't already, find hobby's and interest... That has helped be detatch as well and helped me to get out and meet people...I no longer fear that I will be friendless and alone. I have many interest to keep me busy..


I have been golfing 4 times a week. It keeps me busy and I have fun with my friends. I also play squash a couple of times a week in the winter.

I know I can keep busy. Not worried about that.



> My wife will comply with sex every 3rd night or so, but I feel the resentments build... Once a week is fine for her..... I don't care for sex with her anymore but it beats masterbating...


We were probably averaging a couple of times a month. Been about a month right now though. Because I stopped begging and because she is being even more stubborn.

When she gives in and we get after it, I still really enjoy it. She does as well. I love turning her on, it is my greatest pleasure in life. The moments after making love to her when we hold each other, totally satisfied are still the best, even after 26 years of marriage. It is about the only time that she will actually hold me and relax.



> Have you talked to an attorney yet?


No, but I pretty much know exactly what will happen. I have done enough reading about it.




> Is it in your budget to have your own place?


Yes, money is not the issue.




> What skills does your wife have for employment?... After so long being a SAHM, her choices may be severely limited.


She would have a hard time finding a job and if she did, it would pay very well.

The Alimony that I would pay, would keep her very comfortable.



> I think I may have to leave before I file for a D... I can't imagine filing while under the same roof... My wife could be just fine with that though, as long as I stay...She will comply with sex just so I don't leave...She would be happy to D, as !long as we kept an intact family...


The only reason I would leave is to see if my wife would care.



> SadSam
> 
> If you filed for a D and your wife started to initiate sex just to prevent a D, would you be OK with that or would you still want to D?


I have often told her that if we were having sex every 5 days or so, without me having to beg, my life would be perfect. Like I said, when we actually have sex, we have a real connection. I truly believe she feels the same connection. That is why it is so confusing to me that she puts up such road blocks to intimacy.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sam,

You are a very bright man. 

I want you to consider the relationship between these two statements:
1. You committed to care for her
2. She would find someone else she is happy(ier) with

As far as (1) goes:
- Financially you will be caring for her
- No reasons you two can't remain friends 

That is a LOT of care my man. Considering she will be free to find a more compatible sexual partner. 

You know, she made a commitment to you also. And I'm not seeing much from her. She is very comfortable with you being unhappy. 

I'm not intending to offend you. I wouldn't casually say that you will have LOTs of options if I didn't have a high opinion of you. 

You would not be abandoning your wife, you would simply be removing yourself from a partner who is frightfully selfish. 







SadSamIAm said:


> I normally agree with most everything you post MEM, but you are wrong with the above.
> 
> I know I could be happy with someone else. That isn't the problem. The reason I stay isn't because I don't think I could find someone else.
> 
> ...


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## Salesbury (Jun 29, 2014)

Perhaps you should separate for a bit and do the counseling?? I'm separated from my husband at the moment(his choice) and sometimes you don't know what you have until it's gone. I want my husband so badly right now and it has also made me think about little things as a wife that I've been ****ty at.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

SadSam-

I have done many things myself....stupid things myself to see if my wife would care...I had a place to move to as well... Then she said a something like..." If sex is what you want, we can do that. You don't have to leave." 

She had zero emotion there....

It was fine for a while, then somehow the idea of an open marriage came up...

She was fine with that idea as well...no emotion there either... Doesn't care...

I can understand why you want to take care of your wife, even when you D...She is the mother of your children, she has been there for them, she has been keeping the home running smoothly so you can focus on work to build success. After so many years, you don't have the heart to just leave her with as little as possible, no matter how she feels about you...

I am at the point where I would rather be away from my wife doing something. I no longer look forward to spending time with her...

Do you still look forward to spending time with your wife?


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Trickster said:


> SadSam-
> 
> I have done many things myself....stupid things myself to see if my wife would care...I had a place to move to as well... Then she said a something like..." If sex is what you want, we can do that. You don't have to leave."
> 
> ...


Up until maybe 4 months ago, I did. We spent a few days together driving back to Canada from Palm Springs. Most of the time was spent just driving, but we stopped to see a few things. We would stop for supper, stay in a hotel and we had a great time. Felt wanted and desired.

The last couple of months have gotten very bad. She seems like she just hates me. When we do spend time together she criticizes what I say and how I say it. She has really shut down.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Sam,
> 
> You are a very bright man.
> 
> ...


When you first posted this, I didn't really grasp what you are saying. I guess I was thinking selfishly. I still love my wife and I want her to love me and for things to get better.

This weekend we went to a movie called "The Fault in Our Stars". It is a story about a teenager dieing of cancer. She meets another teenager and they fall in love. Very sad story.

Many people in the movie theatre were crying. I started to get teary eyed as well. Not sure if my wife noticed. I wasn't crying about the movie though. I was crying about my marriage. 

During the movie, I could see how the girl looked at the guy she was in love with. The way she cuddled up to him. I realized that I don't have this with my wife. 

I started thinking about your post and I realized what you were saying. That she just doesn't love me the way a wife should love her husband. That I should let her go so that she can maybe find that. Also, so that I might find that.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SadSam,

Yes. Good for both of you. Most of the time she is clearly not happy with your presence and your touch. 

She WILL find someone else whose presence and touch please her. 

As will you. 

At first she may resist the idea solely because it is a scary change. And it's your job to reassure her, and commit to remaining her friend and co-parent as you transition and afterwards. And you ought remind her that financially she will be in good/great shape and you fully intend to continue running the business and living near by. 





SadSamIAm said:


> When you first posted this, I didn't really grasp what you are saying. I guess I was thinking selfishly. I still love my wife and I want her to love me and for things to get better.
> 
> This weekend we went to a movie called "The Fault in Our Stars". It is a story about a teenager dieing of cancer. She meets another teenager and they fall in love. Very sad story.
> 
> ...


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> SadSam,
> 
> ...she is clearly not happy with your presence and your touch.
> 
> ...


Good luck. Honestly.

I don't want to throw gas on the fire, but that is a lot easier said than done.

If she meets someone quickly after they split and starts off her next relationship throwing her affection at the new guy, it's gonna be a hard pill for Sam to swallow. It's hard to be their "buddy" under those circumstances.

Often, the thing we wanted most is given up easily to the next person, someone who has not done what we have, and has not really earned the love so freely offered to them. You want to see the person happy, but it stings when they are giving away something you would have died for.

Personally, I don't believe it's your job to commit to friendship once the marriage is over. I think many people hope you can end on good terms, and even strive for friendship. I know some people achieve that. I know many people who don't reach that goal.

Sam, I wish you the best, whatever road you choose.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

tulsy said:


> Good luck. Honestly.
> 
> I don't want to throw gas on the fire, but that is a lot easier said than done.
> 
> ...


I agree. Should it come to divorce I don't see us remaining 'friends'. I couldn't handle it. I will just move on.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The first thing I would do is stop giving her money (which, IMO, is for some reason one of the main reasons women somehow come to believe they don't owe you sex). Tell her that now that she has no duty to raising kids, and she isn't meeting her wifely duties (no, I'm not being facetious) to you in the bedroom, you may as well make this a regular arrangement and let her contribute. This will get her 'primed' for what's to come - get her to see that you're changing and no longer accepting the status quo.

The second thing I'd do is read MMSLP and figure out WHY she's not interested.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> The first thing I would do is stop giving her money (which, IMO, is for some reason one of the main reasons women somehow come to believe they don't owe you sex). Tell her that now that she has no duty to raising kids, and she isn't meeting her wifely duties (no, I'm not being facetious) to you in the bedroom, you may as well make this a regular arrangement and let her contribute. This will get her 'primed' for what's to come - get her to see that you're changing and no longer accepting the status quo.
> 
> The second thing I'd do is read MMSLP and figure out WHY she's not interested.


I have thought about putting controls on the money. But I don't really know what that would get me.

Guessing it would piss off our children and it would make her resent me more. She would end up divorcing me and getting half of everything and alimony.

My hope is to file for divorce, and that magically that results in her realizing that she really doesn't want to lose me. I say magically because right now, all I get from her is that she could care less about me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Is there anything that turns her on? Smut books, porn, vibrators, anything? Does she not want sex from anyone, or just you? Seems like you should be able to sneakily get her turned on, then rip her clothes off. Women love that crap--makes em feel wanted. Surely if there's a will there's a way. Catch her resting and give her a back massage, then kiss her neck, then go from there. Just hoping to help. You sound like a good guy. Wish we could help you fix her. It al starts with putting them in the mood. Surely something would elicit a sexual response from her???!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Evinrude58 said:


> Is there anything that turns her on? Smut books, porn, vibrators, anything? Does she not want sex from anyone, or just you? Seems like you should be able to sneakily get her turned on, then rip her clothes off. Women love that crap--makes em feel wanted. Surely if there's a will there's a way. Catch her resting and give her a back massage, then kiss her neck, then go from there. Just hoping to help. You sound like a good guy. Wish we could help you fix her. It al starts with putting them in the mood. Surely something would elicit a sexual response from her???!


This is how it used to be. If I was persistent, I could get her going.

Saturday or Sunday mornings I would get up and do somethings and then crawl back into bed later in the morning. She would protest. Tell me to leave her alone. If I held her for a while, she would lighten up. Then start rubbing her back. She always has a sore back and would tell me where to push. Eventually, I would put one hand on her butt, or the small of her back. Maybe use a massager and move it further and further down until I could tell she was getting turned on.

If she let's me, I can get her going. Afterwards, we have great moments where she tells me how stupid she is to be so stubborn.

It still gets old after years and years of you being the one to initiate. You being the one to rub her back instead of her rubbing yours. 

I can make her cum, but I can't make her love me.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

That totally sucks. From my heart I know how you feel. My wife liked sex wih me, just stopped loving me. She got involved in cybersex or whatever you call it and lost feelings. I'm a fairly handsome man at best, but in good shape, and have to fight off all the women now that I'm separated. If there's any hope I can give you, it's that there's an unbelievably large amount of women that would be dying to meet a good man. And a woman can tell in one conversation if she's talking to a good person, just like you could. There's a light at the end of the tunnel. It sounds like your wife doesn't care and totally takes you for granted. I'd give her the money and find a woman that treasures a good man like she should. Sounds like you've made an honest effort. I'd still give her one more chance with a serious ultimatum, but walk if she seemed the slightest bit uninterested. You deserve to be loved judpst like everyone else. I'm praying for you.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Sad Sam

Your children are all older now. What do they see? They are old enough to know 

I don't think an ultimatum would work...Sad Sams wife has nothing to lose...She knows she gets half and will be taken care of financially, even if SS makes her get a job. All that will do is create more resentment... She can see that as punishment for that lack of sex. When my wife got a job, the "duty" sex was over...She decides now when we have sex...

An ultimatum is just playing games. That was my specialty. .. She called my bluff...

SadSam, Are you a good poker player?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> I have thought about putting controls on the money. But I don't really know what that would get me.
> 
> Guessing it would piss off our children and it would make her resent me more.


So what?

Sad, your goal here is to become a MAN again. The kind of man you were when you were courting her. Who cares what she does? You need to rediscover your manhood and then we'll see what happens in your marriage and family. If you can't become the man in the family again, who cares what else happens?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

SadSamIAm said:


> Eventually, I would put one hand on her butt, or the small of her back. Maybe use a massager and move it further and further down until I could tell she was getting turned on. If she let's me, I can get her going. Afterwards, we have great moments where she tells me how stupid she is to be so stubborn. It still gets old after years and years of you being the one to initiate. You being the one to rub her back instead of her rubbing yours. I can make her cum, but I can't make her love me.


Does she have sexual aversion? This is MY story. My DH knows that he has to approach me slowly, get me warmed up, and then I'm good to go. But it has to be just so. Because of my sexual aversion.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Trickster said:


> Sad Sam
> 
> Your children are all older now. What do they see? They are old enough to know
> 
> ...


I'm not talking about an ultimatum. I'm talking about him deciding what he will or won't live with. Once he knows that, he needs to communicate it; and act accordingly. She's then free to recognize it or lose him.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> Does she have sexual aversion? This is MY story. My DH knows that he has to approach me slowly, get me warmed up, and then I'm good to go. But it has to be just so. Because of my sexual aversion.


I believe SadSam wants his wife to be the one to approach him, and get HIM warmed up... Some of the time, at least...

A MC would open that communication... SS may realize that he will always have to be the one to initiate... She has to want to go...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sometimes I WANT to be the one who initiates but, more often than not, that requires a few glasses of wine on my part. We both know this. And work around it.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sam,

Do NOT screw with her access to money without talking to a lawyer first. 

Since half the money is legally hers, you actually are not legally entitled to cut her off. 

I know you still love her. But you are wrong in thinking you won't get over her, you will. 

In truth, she's gong to have a hard time finding a decent fellow who will put up with her crap. From what you describe, she won't get to a second date with most men. 




SadSamIAm said:


> I have thought about putting controls on the money. But I don't really know what that would get me.
> 
> Guessing it would piss off our children and it would make her resent me more. She would end up divorcing me and getting half of everything and alimony.
> 
> My hope is to file for divorce, and that magically that results in her realizing that she really doesn't want to lose me. I say magically because right now, all I get from her is that she could care less about me.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Sam,
> 
> Do NOT screw with her access to money without talking to a lawyer first.
> 
> ...


She is beautiful She is a good actor. She never turned me down for a few years. 

She will get many dates. She can make a man happy when she wants to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nikita2270 (Mar 22, 2014)

OP...your story is extremely similar to my partner's almost 30 year marriage to his ex.

He's analytical by nature and tried everything. She ended up walking out of 2 counselling sessions because "they weren't taking her side."

She was controlling, religiously-extreme, uptight, self-absorbed, selfish and totally non-affectionate. She wouldn't work either...she just sat on her ass and spent money. He was fine with paying her to get rid of her but you'll have to prepare yourself for that. 

He divorced her...she tried like hell to get him back...still occasionally tries and he honestly has grown not to be able to stand her. He cringes every time he thinks about her.

The problem with women like this is that they are ruthless in divorce. Greedy, nasty and will exploit every potential way to make it a living hell...so be careful.

But there's no doubt, you'd probably be a very happily divorced guy.

And by the way, dating at 50 is pretty easy...there's a large dating pool at that age. You just have to be careful to avoid the financial leeches or the drama-laden nutbags. If you date a divorcee, usually its better to date the ones that are the leavers...not the levees.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Good. 

Than you will be guilt free.





SadSamIAm said:


> She is beautiful She is a good actor. She never turned me down for a few years.
> 
> She will get many dates. She can make a man happy when she wants to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sam, 

You have a situation that may be similar to Trickster's. as to whether she will be happy or not with another or perhaps chase you, never mind.

You need to leave her. A possible alternative to alimony is a bigger payout that will allow you to dissolve your relationship.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> Sam,
> 
> You have a situation that may be similar to Trickster's. as to whether she will be happy or not with another or perhaps chase you, never mind.
> 
> ...


It is similar in that I have a sense of obligation after so many years of my wife being a SAHM. I feel I would continue to help her financially as long as she needed it, which would never end.

Money is an issue for us.... Not that I don't earn enough but she spends a lot on our daughter... usually around $500 dollars a month on camps during the school year.I can't keep up with that. Don't even want to talk about summer camps... My wife is even home now..It's for our daughter... it's for our daughters benefit...

My SIL is an Attorney. ...D will be a living hell... 

I think SS and are similar in many ways. I believe he has way more power than he realizes...

SS... there will come a time when you will dread coming home...There will come a time when you would rather risk being alone than spend another day with your wife...There will come a time when your wife makes you feel so sad to near her....

I know we shouldn't rely on a spouse for our happiness, but if they are the main source of our misery and we are happier when we are away... That is a sign that it is truly over...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I think you need to be clear that unless something changes you plan to get divorced. First be clear in your own head, then be clear with your wife. Then go to counseling. If she won't go, then it's time to implement the divorce plan. If she will go, give it time and see if it helps. 

If you do get divorced I fully agree with the 'not friends' plan. My ex-wife wanted to be friends after the divorce. Forget that. it took a while for me to forgive her, but I've gotten past that. Now I actually want what's best for her in her new life, but that includes NONE of me. I don't ever want to see or talk to her again. 

In your case, with kids and alimony, you will have some forced contact. Be civil and courteous, but by all means otherwise she's now the 'ex-wife' for a reason. 

Good luck!


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Thanks everyone for you support.

I am close to filing for divorce. But I am not there yet. I am not a good poker player when it comes to this. We have had many discussions about this, where I have pretty much said I won't put up with it anymore, but I always do. She doesn't take me seriously. 

I have procrastinated in setting up a Marriage Counseling session. I need to do that and see if she will attend with me. If she won't, I will go by myself. Then I will need to make a decision. If she will, then we will see what happens.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not just print out the divorce papers and spend some time reading them? Let her see you reading them. Let her see how much closer to leaving you are.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

It's a shame that she doesn't seem to care enough for you to give you what you need. Is there anything you're not telling? Is there any reason she doesn't want any sex medically? Was she really active in her thirties? From what I've seen, women in their thirties want sex like men in their early twenties. No chance she's getting it somewhere else?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

turnera said:


> Why not just print out the divorce papers and spend some time reading them? Let her see you reading them. Let her see how much closer to leaving you are.


I printed out papers from Divorce Writers. I left it on the counter so my wife would see them... She got a job soon after and sex increased. I don't know where the papers went... It's not the loving passionate sex I am after...i know she is having sex so I don't leave...

SadSam, if you get started on a D, you could Print out papers for free. It's a guide to divide the assets, who gets custody, child support, who assumes any debt, who moves out/gets the home...it was overwhelming...


How would you feel if you move out and divorced. You then continued to help her financially, like you said you would do. You agreed to it for the settlement... Then a year from now both of you meet somebody new and the new guy moves in to your old home? 

Do you love your wife so much that you would continue to help her financially?

Can you name 3 reasons why you love your wife?

Somebody from my hiking group asked me that... I couldn't give one reason...

My wife is just a kidsitter...Even with that, our daughter spend a lot of time at camps...


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