# First Date Advice



## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

My husband and I are separated, no cheating was involved, we just had a really rough year, didn't communicate, and fell apart. We both have things we need to work on, and so far I've made some really great changes. I've lost nearly 15 lbs since our separation in mid January, stopped drinking, seen a bunch of awesome bands play, hung out with my friends, got myself organized, and I have 2 really amazing job offers by 2 very great companies. Not only that husband has been texting me more to check in on how the background check stuff is going for the jobs.

Earlier this month he agreed to go on a date with me, and I suggested we maybe play paintball since he used to play on a team and it might be fun for him. He didn't seem too keen on it though, so I'm trying to think of a good date that isn't a movie so we have plenty of time for interaction and fun.

I really want to focus on having fun together and getting him to think positively about us before we start to go back to marriage counseling again so we can work something things out.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Go eat dinner and take a walk. Doesn't have to be fun if you still love one another. If there's any love left, just getting to see one another will be the fun.

If it's got to be fun, just don't do it.
Walking is exercise. Exercise usually makes a person feel better. Sit and talk on a bench. Just don't talk about the marriage. But don't worry about what you're tLking about, either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Go eat dinner and take a walk. Doesn't have to be fun if you still love one another. If there's any love left, just getting to see one another will be the fun.
> 
> If it's got to be fun, just don't do it.
> Walking is exercise. Exercise usually makes a person feel better. Sit and talk on a bench. Just don't talk about the marriage. But don't worry about what you're tLking about, either.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We still love each other, he just doesn't feel any passion towards me, and only thinks of all the bad when it comes to us.

I would be perfectly happy with just a little walk on the beach or something, but I'm kinda afraid I might slip and start talking about the relationship. I really am trying to be respectful of his need for space, and I want him to feel comfortable. It's very hard for me though, there is so much I've kept bottled in, I really don't want to create an opportunity to let my emotions get the better of me.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Take some kind of lesson together.

Tennis, golf, dancing, doesn't matter.

Lots of interaction and pretty fun possibilities as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Try to keep it light. You have other times for the heavy talks. Don't turn your date into a downer.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

beatricecat said:


> We still love each other, he just doesn't feel any passion towards me, and only thinks of all the bad when it comes to us.
> 
> I would be perfectly happy with just a little walk on the beach or something, but I'm kinda afraid I might slip and start talking about the relationship. I really am trying to be respectful of his need for space, and I want him to feel comfortable. It's very hard for me though, there is so much I've kept bottled in, I really don't want to create an opportunity to let my emotions get the better of me.


What you sound like you're wanting is reassurance. That will turn him off. You can do whatever you want, but don't put him in a situation where you are basically fishing for reassurances. 
He will get bigtime uncomfortable.
Just have fun like you just met him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Reenact your first date.

Don't bring up or talk about your marriage.


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Our first date was I made dinner, packed it in a backpack, he picked me up, we rode back to his place on his bike, made love, then he surprised me by downloading one of my favorite cartoons from when I was a kid and we watched cartoons and ate noodles. We didn't leave the apartment for 3 days.

As much as I would love to, unfortunately I don't think we're to the point where we are going to be recreating our first date anytime soon lol.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, he loves you but he's just not_ in love _with you anymore? 

Whose idea was the separation?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My suggestion would be to do something different. If you are going to try and rebuild a relationship it needs to be different than your last. Conan had the best suggestion, some sort of dancing lesson, or cooking class would be my recommendation as well


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Do you have Painting With a Twist or something like it? That's a super fun thing to do .


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> My suggestion would be to do something different. If you are going to try and rebuild a relationship it needs to be different than your last. Conan had the best suggestion, some sort of dancing lesson, or cooking class would be my recommendation as well


I've tried to get him to do things like that before, but he really has no interest in cooking, art, or dancing.



Rowan said:


> So, he loves you but he's just not_ in love _with you anymore?
> 
> Whose idea was the separation?


Those were pretty much his exact words. It was his idea, but honestly as much as a huge gaping hole it's left in my heart, it has forced me to make some good changes. Not only that it forced me to look at our relationship more, understand why I love him, and understand more about what I need from him to make myself happy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

beatricecat said:


> Our first date was I made dinner, packed it in a backpack, he picked me up, we rode back to his place on his bike, made love, then he surprised me by downloading one of my favorite cartoons from when I was a kid and we watched cartoons and ate noodles. We didn't leave the apartment for 3 days.
> 
> As much as I would love to, unfortunately I don't think we're to the point where we are going to be recreating our first date anytime soon lol.


That is an awesome first date story.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

You said he agreed to go on a date. Whose idea was the date?


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

beatricecat said:


> I've tried to get him to do things like that before, but he really has no interest in cooking, art, or dancing.
> 
> 
> 
> Those were pretty much his exact words. It was his idea, but honestly as much as a huge gaping hole it's left in my heart, it has forced me to make some good changes. Not only that it forced me to look at our relationship more, understand why I love him, and understand more about what I need from him to make myself happy.


Ok but you know him better than us so what is he interested in? I'm just suggesting, like others, that maybe a new hobby you both enjoy and can get into would be a bonding experience


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

jld said:


> You said he agreed to go on a date. Whose idea was the date?


I was the one who brought it up. He still has his reservations, which is understandable. I went into this fully understanding that at first I'm going to have to take the initiative and put myself out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ok but you know him better than us so what is he interested in? I'm just suggesting, like others, that maybe a new hobby you both enjoy and can get into would be a bonding experience


I'm just kinda running into a wall. I've tried to suggest things that he has an interest in, but he just wasn't too into the ideas. All he said is that he would think about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

Not sure why but it double posted.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

beatricecat said:


> I'm just kinda running into a wall. I've tried to suggest things that he has an interest in, but he just wasn't too into the ideas. All he said is that he would think about it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He seems noncommittal. Do you get the feeling he does not really want to go on the date?


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## beatricecat (Jan 13, 2016)

jld said:


> He seems noncommittal. Do you get the feeling he does not really want to go on the date?


He said he still doesn't know if he wants to work on things or not last time we went to counseling in January. So I know he isn't truly there yet.

When I first asked him he just said okay and just said he would think about what he wants to do. When I saw him last Tuesday to pick up some paperwork, I got confirmation I got 2 job offers, and he seemed excited. And when I confirmed if the 27th would be a good day for us to go out, he was very upbeat about it. And once he confirmed the day worked for him, I haven't brought it up since.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

beatricecat said:


> He said he still doesn't know if he wants to work on things or not last time we went to counseling in January. So I know he isn't truly there yet.
> 
> When I first asked him he just said okay and just said he would think about what he wants to do. When I saw him last Tuesday to pick up some paperwork, I got confirmation I got 2 job offers, and he seemed excited. And when I confirmed if the 27th would be a good day for us to go out, he was very upbeat about it. And once he confirmed the day worked for him, I haven't brought it up since.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That sounds good, that he was upbeat.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Kind of along the same lines as the previous post by Myers, but I agree. In the meantime, if you have truly made the changes you said you did, why are you making the first date about him? You are the one who changed, invite him into your world. Do something you want to do. If he enjoys it you might rekindle something.


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