# Advice Needed!!! Desperately



## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

we have been commonlaw for almost six years and engaged for almost two. We have a beautiful 1 1/2 year old daughter and we had a really bad year. He spent most of the year laid off and with the new baby and a new house, our finances weren't great. Then his best friend from childhood (lets call him A)got addicted to drugs and robbed us (emptied our bank accounts and even emptied our daughter's piggy bank). .Then, to make matters worse, his father passed away very suddenly.

There were red flags that something was wrong, but I obviously shrugged it off as being because of those things. He just shut me out, would barely talk to me, didn't want to have sex, and had pretty much nothing to do with our daughter. Then he was suddenly attatched to his phone, constantly texting, leaving the room when it rang. 

One day, he told me about how he made a new friend at work. I asked his name, and he told me HER name was Liz. I said it made me uncomfortable that he was on his phone all the time with this girl that I don't know. He told me I was being paranoid and that she was fat and ugly and he had no interest in her.

I was still uncomfortable with it and told him so. When we first started dating, he was secretly continuing a friendship with his ex, telling me he was with his brother when he was hanging out with her and he never really apologized for it because he didn't see anything wrong with what he was doing because it was strictly friendship. Because of this, I had some trust issues to begin with.

A few days after he told me about this girl, he went out to the store and texted me to say he was going out for lunch with her. 

When he came home, I told him I didn't think it was appropriate that he went out on a lunch date with this stranger when we hadn't been on a date in almost a year. Again, he told me i was being paranoid, it wasn't a date, and that he was just lonely because he didn't really have any friends since the incident with A and he hoped that if they got along well, we could all be friends.

The following saturday, he went out to lunch with her again.

The next saturday, at 10pm he told me he was going to go out to a bar and play pool with Liz. I literally begged him not to go. I asked how he would feel if I took off in the middle of the night to go to the bar with a guy he didn't know, he said it would be awful and wrong. He left anyways, saying he'd be home in an hour or two.

He never came home. 

I figured he just was having a good time and stayed until last call (2:30am). But when he still wasn't home at 3, i started callling him but he wasn't answering. I started to get worried, because he's never done anything like this before. 

His mother came over to stay with the baby so I could go to the hospital nad police station because something must've happened, why else wouldn't he answer?

At 5am there was still no sign of him. then he sent me a text message to know he was spending the night at this girl's house. 

I told him how he was treating me wasn't fair and asked why he was doing this. He replied by saying "we're done"

I was devastated and our daughter and I moved in with my mom. He was really mad at me, saying it wasn't like he even did anything wrong, he spent one night out with a friend and nothing happened.

A week later, she moved in. We met up a few days after that to discuss visitations. He apologized for what he had done and promised that he didn't sleep with her until after I had moved out. He also admitted that he wasn't committed to me because we were so young when we met and here was this girl that liked him and what would it be like with her if he wasn't trapped with us. He said it was awful and that he regretted it.

two days later, he told her he made a mistake and she needed to leave because he wanted his family back. he said she could take a week to find a new place but that she would have to stay in the spare bedroom from now on. He waited another week before he told me that.

I am willing tor work things out, I really want to. He's agreed to take things slow (like stay separated for at least a year) and get counselling to deal with his issues as well as my trust issues.

But she's still there. she refuses to leave. He told me he never asked her to move in, in fact, it was her idea to stay with him for a few days so he "wouldn't be alone" and then he slowly realized she had moved all her belongings in.

He has told her repeatedly to leave and she just refuses. Now she's saying she won't leave unless he gives her the money to pay first and last on a new apartment.

I want to move on and I want to fix things with him, but she is still there. I don't even know if we reallly can fix things, but is it even worth me trying if he won't even make her leave? 

I just don't know what to do.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Something is amiss here.

What country do you live in?

In the US, if you are in someone else's house and refuse to leave, it's called trespassing.

Has he called the police or consulted a lawyer about getting her out? Or is she now in charge?


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

we live in Canada, the rules are a little more lax here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen and talked to this other woman (OW)? I think he is feeding you a line of bull.

Whose name(s) is on the lease for the apartment that he and she are living in? 

How long has she been there?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brittyboo said:


> we live in Canada, the rules are a little more lax here.


So in Canada someone can just move into someone else's house, stay and refuse to leave?

Really?


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## Leading Man (Dec 11, 2012)

Wow! There's a ton of things going on in your relationship right now. If you are both willing to work on your family, great. I would suggest finding a married couple through church or any other means and ask them for help. You guys need a mentor. Find some way together to get that other lady out of the house. 

Everything you two do has to include the consideration of your family. NO selfish actions. You have a family now. Sit back for a minute and think about what that means. Lots of responsibility. That doesn't mean no fun, excitement, adventure, etc. 

As I re-read your post, most of what I wrote needs to be directed to your spouse. But you have to be the mature one and help lead him in the right direction. As I said earlier I think the key is to find a stable married couple to get you two in a good direction. I hope this helps.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He says you both are done.
He spends the night with OW and doesn't keep it a secret. 
You move out.
She moves in.

Yep, that was planned. What I would like to know is what happened to her house?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

brittyboo said:


> we live in Canada, the rules are a little more lax here.


There are rules, though. What are they?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Leading Man said:


> Wow! There's a ton of things going on in your relationship right now. If you are both willing to work on your family, great. I would suggest finding a married couple through church or any other means and ask them for help. You guys need a mentor. Find some way together to get that other lady out of the house.
> 
> Everything you two do has to include the consideration of your family. NO selfish actions. You have a family now. Sit back for a minute and think about what that means. Lots of responsibility. That doesn't mean no fun, excitement, adventure, etc.
> 
> As I re-read your post, most of what I wrote needs to be directed to your spouse. But you have to be the mature one and help lead him in the right direction. As I said earlier I think the key is to find a stable married couple to get you two in a good direction. I hope this helps.


The first mature thing she needs to do is to tell him that until the OW has moved out she will not discuss anything with him. 

And then if her name is on the lease or she is financially responsible to pay the lease, she has to go get the OW evicted from HER home.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Is her name on the lease? Kick her out. She won't leave, call the cops.

Seriously, things in Canada aren't that lax.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

we talked to the police and they said because she was a house guest and was there for so long before he tried to kick her out (two weeks) they weren't going to get involved and we needed to sort things out ourselves.

It is a house we bought two years ago but it's in his name.

This OW is 20 years old and is basically a professional homewrecker. Before she moved into our house, she was living with another man that she had convinced to leave his wife. In fact, she split up two other relationships while she was breaking us up. She was even all set to move in with one of those guys but he decided to work things out with his wife instead.

And to top it all off, she keeps telling him that he led her on and now she has no where to go and it's his fault.

I told him it isn;t his fault or his problem, she moved in without asking or telling him.

And finally, I do have some self res[ect. I told him things are not going forward until she is gone. But we do still see each other at least three times a week because of visitations, so we are communicating a lot.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Have you seen and talked to this other woman (OW)? I think he is feeding you a line of bull.
> 
> Whose name(s) is on the lease for the apartment that he and she are living in?
> 
> How long has she been there?


Yes, I have talked to her. and he has verified everything he's told me about her being in another room and her refusing to leave with pics and text messages.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok I can see two ways. YOU move back into your home and you and your husband sleep in your bed. The two of you ignore her. Act like she’s a ghost.

She does leave the hosue some days right? Rent a storage place. Shen she’s out move all of her things to the storage place. Then put a key to the storage place in an envelope and tape it to the door. Make sure you change your locks. When she comes back she will be locked out. Do not let her in again.

Move back in tomorrow. Don't ask him, just do it. Quit letting her claim your home.

If she gets violent, call the police and charge her with domestic violence.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

I told him I want to live separately until things are figured out. I don't want to make things anymore confusing for our daughter because it was really hard getting her back on schedule when I moved in to my mom's house. 

I'm not ready to forgive him just yet, I'm trying though. I think the best thing for our daughter is to not make any rash decisions or moves until we are absolutely certain that we are going to get back together and stay together.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

plus... not going to lie, given the situation, I don't entirely trust myself not to get violent with her.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Sorry, but this really does not sound at all right. She can't just squat in your home.

Does she leave ever? If so lock the door and refuse her entry. Then call the cops. It sounds like the first ones did nit want to intervene in a domestic dispute. Call the county sherrif office, I believe that's who in Canada does evictions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

brittyboo said:


> I told him I want to live separately until things are figured out. I don't want to make things anymore confusing for our daughter because it was really hard getting her back on schedule when I moved in to my mom's house.
> 
> I'm not ready to forgive him just yet, I'm trying though. I think the best thing for our daughter is to not make any rash decisions or moves until we are absolutely certain that we are going to get back together and stay together.


Well, your husband alone can do the thing of moving her stuff out and locking her out of the house.

Or find out the laws of how to get her out of the house.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

the police herer aren't exactly known for being helpful. We had his friend on tape at the bank, had his handwriting, proof of forged cheques, and found most of my jewellry at a pawn shop, with him on video selling it...the police were still unable to charge him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your husband has a lot of growing up to do. The first thing that will help is for him to take care of this squatting gf situation without burdening you. He did all of this all by himself. If he wants his family back, he needs to fix it.

If I were you, I would do a very hard 180 and deal with him only in terms of visitation. No personal conversations. No baring of souls. Nothing. He's hurt you enough. Don't keep being the punching bag.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

Last time we talked about it (earlier this week) I told him he needsto man up and deal with her. He's not very confrontational (IE rather than talk to me about what was going on he just left, and rather than telling me face to face he broke up with a text message). I know thats just an excuse, and I know it isn't my problem, but hes the type to avoid dealing with things and let them sort themselves out. He's under the impression that if he waits it out, she'll leave on her own and he won't have to deal with anything beyond asking her repeatedly to leave. 

She knows that we're trying to work things out so, she sends me nasty messages calling me all sorts of terrible names and tells me she is living rent free and she isn't ever going to give that up.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have any rights to the house since the two of you lived together? Are your things, your furnature, etc still in the house?

If that's how he is then perhaps you should do something to get her out.

If you are afraid that you will hurt her show up with friends and family members and 'squat'. 

Or start removing your belongings to include the bed she sleeps on, everything in the house.

I would never sit by and let someone squat like that and just leave it up to him if he's that much a weakling. You will lose everything that is yours there.... unless you just don't care.


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

when I moved in with my mom, I took all my and my daughter's belongings with me. Because we were only common law and had only lived at that address for two years, I don't have any rights to it (You need to be at the address for a minimum of five years). When I became a mom, I pretty much lost all of my friends and my family doesn't approve of me trying to work things out (the exceptions being my mom, my stepdad, and my grandpa).

Actually, the main reason for me posting this is because I can't just sit idly by, but I really don't know what to do that I haven't already tried. I just wish he could see how much this is killing me and just suck it up. It was his mistake, so why am I the one still having to deal with it? shouldn't it at least be both of us?


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## brittyboo (Jan 12, 2013)

I want to hate him so much for doing this, but being angry isn't going to solve anything and it isn't going to make things easier whether we work things out or not. But it's so hard, especially with her still being there. As long as she's there, nothing's really changed. He still left us for her, and she's still there, whether they're sleeping together or not. 

I just wish he would understand that and do something about it and I don't know what to say to him to make him realize that


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

brittyboo said:


> I want to hate him so much for doing this, but being angry isn't going to solve anything and it isn't going to make things easier whether we work things out or not. But it's so hard, especially with her still being there. As long as she's there, nothing's really changed. He still left us for her, and she's still there, whether they're sleeping together or not.
> 
> I just wish he would understand that and do something about it *and I don't know what to say to him to make him realize that*


Thats the thing my dear...you've done and said all you can and were telling you it doesn't work... 

You need to stop contact with him...stop talking to him. Stop dealing with him other than for the child. Unless you take back control...your situation won't change. 

_Your boyfriend is a wuss... _


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Stella*
> Your boyfriend is a wuss...


Stella nailed it with 5 words.

I am going to add a few more words
If you stay with this man after he has chosen this OW over you and his child then you will become a wuss also. Even now he will not stand up for you and his child. Either this man has very low character or he is such a weakling that he will bring any woman down.

*Cut your losses and start to rebuild*


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

What province do you live in? There are rules about evicting tenants, but she isn't a tenant, there's no agreement. You can just toss all of her stuff in the garbage, and lock the door. Her recourse, if she had any rights which she doesn't, is the legal system. If they aren't interested in helping you, then they should be even less interested in helping her.

But that's all beside the point. Why even care? Why subject yourself, and your daughter to the drama and BS? Don't you deserve better? What happens next time he meets a girl who will pay him a little bit of attention? Another person who recognizes his weakness and decides to take advantage of him? What does he have to offer you but continued suffering? Move on, make a better life for yourself and your child.


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

ok , let me give you a great idea.Ask your husband to move with you at your mum's place.

Also let the OW know that she has to get out fast and if anything is missing from the house because she will be alone there,it would come on her and the police will be after her.

I do not believe that lady cannot leave and your husband can do nothing about it.

If I had my way,I would have all these spouses kicked out of this planet.

I feel bad for you.But you need to WOMAN up now and decide full and final for your life.It is no excuse that one cheats when things ger rough with life (be it anything -father dying,no money);It is just an excuse.Take care and let us know .Be strong.
There are many of us like you all across the planet and we tried and got the peace of our mind back by letting the POS know their actual place to dwell-THE HELL


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*



I told him how he was treating me wasn't fair and asked why he was doing this. He replied by saying "we're done"

Click to expand...

*So, he planned the whole thing and suddenly he found out that he didn't like what he got?

Oh, well, that's just too bad, isn't it?

Moving on might be an option. Pity there's a child involved, but when did your ex ever think about that?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

NC with him. Strict NC.
It's ridiculous. *If he wants* he can pack all OW's stuff in garbage bags and put her in the street by changing the locks.
He doesn't want. Period. That's what police told him, to grow a set *IF* that's what he wants. They can't kick her out when he won't.
NC, totally dark on him. Don't call him again unless he prove you she's out his life. Then you can start reconsidering restablish some contact.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Tell him if he loves you so much "now", get a quit claim deed and put your name on the house. I am sure some of your blood, sweat and tears are in it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

RightfulRiskTaker said:


> Tell him if he loves you so much "now", get a quit claim deed and put your name on the house. I am sure some of your blood, sweat and tears are in it.


I am not sure if she can do that, as she earlier said:


> Because we were only common law and had only lived at that address for two years, I don't have any rights to it (You need to be at the address for a minimum of five years).


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Just because the house is in his name only doesn't mean it isn't half yours. If he has been laid off, who has been making the mortgage payments? Why is it only in his name by the way? You are common law spouses anyway, you should consult a lawyer to know your rights, student legal aid even.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I also wouldn't believe that he's not sleeping with her.

Shout out to the men on this thread - What are the chances that he's not having sex with the OW?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Depends on if he is as stupid as he seems to be from his described actions.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Have you exposed this affair to the OW family?

Why can't you get all the other betrayed wives together and have a talk with this homewrecker?

If it was me I would make it my mission to make the OW life as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

Not saying get back with your old man just yet, but maybe the two of you can find some come ground in planning on how to get rid of OW, and the tactics the two of you can do to achieve this. Granted I'm under the assumtion your man wants this chick out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm thinking the OW got what she wanted so why sleep with WH...it might be that she has already found another guy for sex hence the seperate rooms.


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