# I feel like i'm going crazy.



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

This may get kind of long, but I really need help. I honestly feel like i'm going crazy. So, back in July I started dating a girl I absolutely fell in love with. We had somewhat of a history already because two years prior we dated for 2 weeks but then I broke it off. Basically the way I originally met her was at my old job. She was dating my coworker and I had seen her around the store whenever she came around to visit him. Then, she started messaging me on Myspace and we talked a little on there. After a while she asked me if I ever wanted to take her out on a date she would love to go with me (this was after they broke up). So, we go out on a date and I start liking her and everything seems okay and I was told that her previous relationship was entirely over, that she was tired of his lying and all kinds of stuff so it's over between them. However, after 2 weeks I knew that was not the case because they were still talking regularly and she even went over to his house once during that two weeks to take care of him when he got piss drunk. So, after learning all this I broke it off after two weeks and told her she needs to work out what she wants and I was upset too because I was told by her it was over between them. But, after I broke things off they got back together again anyway. 

So I didn't talk to her for the longest time. Occasionally I would get a message from her when she wasn't sober and ask how I was or I would be online and I would get a instant message from her and would hear how bad her relationship is, but I just couldn't care less at the time. So two years after I get a message from her I guess and this time things are done between them for good now. So, we get together but understandably i'm a little hesitant although I did really like her still but I was always a little leery that perhaps it would be too soon for us to date since they only broke up 3 months ago. So, we get together and things seem okay but at the same time they don't. I was getting harassed by her ex and his friends through calls and text messages telling me I need to quit seeing her because her and him have things to work out, and she was getting harassed by him with phone calls at 2am and text messages, myspace messages, and he would show up at her work. There's a website called Livejournal where you can post entries online and people can publicly view them and I would look at his and he was writing a lot of weird stuff. He would write how he's getting calls in the morning from her, he would write all kinds of uncomfortable things and insult her in roundabout ways on there... But anyway, it was hard for me to know what to believe. I would bring this up with her and she would tell me he's always the one starting conversation and wanting to talk with her. And I asked her if she wanted to be friends with him and she said no he is not the kind of person I want in my life. There were several instances where I would bring up why she was still talking to him and every time I would get the answer that he was the one who messaged her first. So we went on a trip to Europe in November and I took her to meet the rest of my family and we also were in Italy for a week, but we got back from there and her computer stopped working. So I told her I would fix it for her (since that's what I do) and when I took it to fix it I found a link to a website in her favorites for a website called *******. So I click on it and see that she was writing him on there. She was writing," So I guess we're not talking anymore? I just thought things could be different this time and we could be friends..." And there were two other messages from other guys in our nearby city wondering about her (obviously b/c it's a dating website) and all of that really upset me. I told her about it and she said she was sorry and will delete all her online stuff like Myspace, Facebook, LiveJournal, *******... and the whole time i'm like," Why do you need so many damn online identities? Why is she on a dating website when she has a boyfriend?" Anyway, so that passes and I don't really hear anything else about conversation between them (as far as I know), but he is still posting stuff on his live journal and I still read it not because I want something bad but since all the stuff that has happened I wanted to prepare my self in case something damning came along. I needed to know. But at the same time it became clear (perhaps only in that case) that she was the one that contacted him and not the other way around like I was told with all those other cases. 

I want to make a point here which I also made to her in my last letter to her. I would have had absolutely no problem with her being friends with him if it were for a couple things. For one, the laundry list of complaints I heard against him such as he was a lier, mentally manipulative, mentally abusive, made her feel inadequate, made her feel like he could leave her whenever he wanted to, lied about seeing other girls behind her back, belittled her with insults, harassed her and I for many months after we got together, at one point she even told me he got physical with her (which my friend told me that his roommate said he would never do that), and other things I can't remember here right now. And I was pissed at him for not being more mature and I was blamed for "stealing her" from him, and he would post stuff on Myspace inadvertently aimed at me like," You may have... blah blah blah, but I have her "V-Card." And just other things too... he was basically making it very clear to me that they could never be friends and this continued months into the relationship. Again, I would have had no problems with them being friends if I knew he was a mature individual and knew his intentions, but it always seemed to me like he's the type of person who if he has that one point of contact with her then he's just going to pounce the moment the ball drops and being that I was told he's very manipulative and I thought so as well, I didn't want him to perhaps maybe talk her into something or put some garbage into her head. 

Am I being to critical? Am I over examining that aspect? Am I making too big of a deal about this? It's only communication... whats the big deal? I keep even to this day asking myself whether I made too big of a deal out of it and I keep thinking about everything and how much I had to endure during those months of our relationships starting that it just makes me think," No, I couldn't have been wrong to think that way." I can't make my mind up because even now that I broke up with her, two weeks after that she already put up a Myspace for dating and serious relationships and added him as a friend. So it boggles my mind. Why would someone want to stay in communication with someone who was described so negatively unless perhaps everything I was told wasn't true? Or who knows what... It doesn't make any sense. I imagine that with most sane people, if anyone did have the things he did to her then the girl would not want to talk with that guy again. But then i'm told by older women that I couldn't understand because I can't see it from a woman's point of view. But is there a woman's pov on this? I mean, i'm trying to be bare-bones honest with no BS and it seems like even a common childhood thing that if someone insults us or makes us feel bad about ourselves or is a bad influence, then you don't hang around or talk with that person anymore... You take that out of your life. I was told by other woman i've asked about this and they say she probably magnified the problems because it hurt her so much... But even then, the things i've witnessed made me believe that they couldn't be friends or could even talk casually because there wasn't any casual talk... it was just ridiculousness back and forth. 

So, it took a lot of effort from me personally to stop them from talking. There was even a point where he was writing online making people think that he was going to hurt himself and that at one point he even wrote how he got a girl pregnant and was going to name the kid the name my current girlfriend always wanted to name her daughter. And also he changed his user name and started writing things as if he might hurt her or someone else too so we went to the police department to get a restraining order but they just ended up calling him and making sure he wasn't going to hurt himself. So there's so much $hit that it was hard on me so deal with it and I also felt like after a while anytime I brought him up to her I felt anxious because I felt like perhaps she is tired of hearing of him and my concerns about him and that I was beating this subject to death. 

So basically I didn't hear any interchange after January (which was 5-6 months in our relationship) but other things started happening between us which I could not understand. Before I get into everything else, there was one last post he made that he took out of her accounts and messages she has sent him (he hacked into her Myspace). He basically posted everything she ever messaged him on his Livejournal and entitled it "I win" as in I guess he would win in breaking us up but I brought this up to her and she said all those posts he must have edited... like changed the dates around and added words and whatnot. There were things posted out of her old Myspace account which he got into and it talked about how she can't sleep at night because she can't stop thinking about him (which I do remember her saying how she can't sleep and stays up all night but never gave me a reason), and how she wrote somebody (I guess her friend) how she's not sure if she's with me because it's the "safe" option. So I read all that and it upset me and I took it to her and she said he changed words around and dates and is just being manipulative again... It took a lot to believe everything she told me, but I loved her so I didn't care. 

So anyway, there were ways she reacted to things I could not understand and I just saw more things I couldn't understand why. I was at her house once and I text messaged maybe 4-5 times with a friend of mine and chuckled a couple times. I get home and I get a email from her saying," You don't think I see you writing and texting and chuckling?" She basically thought that I was intentionally moving around the house so she couldn't see my cell phone's screen and that I was texting with another girl. And I when I got that email I was completely blown away because I was not even doing that even remotely... I was just texting my friend and acting normal. Nothing was going on at all and I explained this to her. Another time, her computer stopped working and she got really mad. She said she's just going to throw it away and buy a new one and I knew she was being irrational so I told her that a virus can get on any computer and that the 2 buttons which are mal functioned can easily be fixed. She said she didn't care and not to touch the computer b/c she was just going to throw it away anyway. So I ignored that b/c it was ridiculous and I took the computer told her i'm going to take it to my friend's house, fix it and you'll have it back just like new. So I go and get it fixed and i'm on my way home at about 11:30... thought about calling her but I didn't because it was late and thought she's probably asleep anyway. Next day I see her at work and she doesn't even look at me or acknowledge me at all and I have no idea what's going on. I thought to myself I must have done something terribly wrong. So I finally after the second day of being ignored, I get out of her that she is mad at me because I didn't call her on the way home from my friend's house and she was up all night worrying about me. And I was dumbfounded. And I said," Well, why didn't you just call me then?" She said," Because you said you'd call and you didn't. If you say you're going to do something I expect you to do it." I said I don't even remember saying anything about calling you, and if you were so worried I don't understand why you wouldn't just call me. So i eventually apologized and told her i'd call her when I said I would (which I don't remember saying)... but whatever. I told her I was fixing her computer and it was late, and I thought you were asleep, so instead of waking you up to tell you i'm on my way home I just let you sleep...I did everything with the best intentions. But to ignore me for two days because of THAT? Another was on I told her a week or more ahead of time that i would be going fishing with a friend of mine 30 miles from here next weekend and then the Monday before the weekend comes and I told her again I was going and then on Wednesday or Thursday I told her we're going to the east coast to fish for the weekend instead and she got really mad. She said I should have told her that i'm going there instead and I said that's what i'm doing now. She says it's a huge F'ing difference between fishing in a place 30 miles from here then a place more than 2 hours away... And I personally couldn't understand the difference. I was going to be gone for the weekend anyway, and it's not like we're married or anything so I don't see the big deal... we're dating. I cold list a lot more instances, but it's already getting long...

Basically I always tried stressing communication with her. She is not a good talker and told me she never really had talks with her ex nor any good relationship-likes conversation and didn't have a good communication relationship. And, talking has always been very important to me, because I feel like as long as 2 people can be comfortable enough to talk about anything with each other no matter what, then anything can be worked through but since she's not like that everytime she would get upset over some reason I would always have to be the one to et the reason out of her. It got so bad that I would get extremely anxious when I knew she was mad at me and I felt this need to drive to her house and get her to tell me what's wrong. And that would literally involve me sitting at the edge of her bed looking at her laying on her side staring at the wall, me asking over and over again what's wrong and getting "nothing" out of her everytime I asked. After some coaxing and caressing and stuff she would finally tell me, but this has happened countless times... and it shouldn't. If someone's mad at me, I don't feel like i'm asking a lot or expect a lot from a girlfriend when I would like her to tell me what's wrong straight up, I can explain and move on... Why stay mad if there's a logical explanation to why you're mad? 

Anyway, I broke up with her more than a month ago now and i'm a wreck. I can't sleep, I have mood swings going from sad to okay and from teary eyed to nothing, zoning out all day, like a robot, don't eat, lost my appetite and lost weight... Btw i'm 22 and she's 25 and her ex was 25 as well. I have a good friend I talk to who is 57 and I tell her a lot about my situation and she asked me," If you still feel this bad about everything, maybe you still want to be with her or were meant to be with her? I have seen so much change for the better since she was with you and even you when you were with her..." And I would say," Even if I wanted her still I wouldn't know what to do. I love her still, but perhaps I love her in a way I can't have her. I mean, when things were good between us, they were great but when things got bad or she was upset at me then it felt like the end of the world and it shouldn't be like that because i'll compromise anything to work through anything... and I like solving problems and moving on and growing. But I feel like seems between her and I on a emotional and communication perspective were stagnant for weeks or even months before I broke up with her. I tell my friend, I can not wrap my head around that she talks to the other guy again... How could you want to stay in contact with someone like that? Went through such a effort to break us up, said horrible things about me and her, and just all the crap she described that he put her through in their relationship... and she still talks to him. IT MAKES NO SENSE! Even at the start of the relationship, I felt like I was making more of a effort to stop communication than she was... I wrote her a letter 2 weeks ago or so and wondered if she ever got it and I wrote everything in the letter that i've ever wanted to tell her. I see her everyday because and she doesn't even look at me, but then yesterday out of nowhere she looked at me and said," Hey." Which got me extremely anxious and I asked if she ever got my letter and she said yes. I still talk to her mom and asked her to ask my ex if she ever got any letters or communication from me and she told her mother no. When I talked to her for that very short moment and only the exchange of words, after she left I felt this just extremely upset and even anger well up inside of me... I just could not keep still. Why did I get angry? Then the next day, she was leaving and she said," Hey" again but also waved. 

So like my thread title says, I feel like i'm going crazy. I keep going back and forth even to this day whether i made the right decision. In some respects I feel like I did, but then I see her and how beautiful she is and remember her kiss, smile, laugh and all the good times we had and I wonder if I ended things to soon, did I not give enough time for change, should I even expect change, should I stay with someone hoping things will change and persevere, how many chances can someone have since this was the second time I tried it with her. The times I had with her are the greatest i've had in my life, but the bad was also some of the worst and most anxiety ridden time of my life. I hope somebody here or some people can help me or offer insight. This could have been much much longer but to understand my story for the most part I tried to state the most relevant stuff. 

I go back and forth between wanting to make things right, and perhaps it working out but idk if that would be good. And also, I broke up with her and I told her why... if she wanted to work things out wouldn't she be the one who would come to me first? Is that perhaps why she is saying hey to me now? The older woman I know who I go to for advice and talk to says she is probably just wanting that door open, but then at the same time I can't stop thinking about the fact that she is talking to her ex still. Like, when I found her on that dating website she didn't shut all her doors to everyone else apparently, because she was on there to begin with talking to him and responded to two other guys' inquiries. I get mad when she says hey, because everything about her and I's past comes up instantly and I want to know why she's saying hey all of a sudden when we literally haven't spoken since the break up. 

P.S. I just can't stop thinking about the fact that she still talks to her ex and wants to... it boggles my damn mind to a unhealthy extent. I don't know what to think, and I have this incredible urge, almost need to talk to her now. 

Thank you so much, for committing some of your time to read this. I could have made it longer with all the things i'm thinking about, but I don't think anybody here wants to read a book about my problems. lol.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Honestly, I think you should move on. 

My xgf lied to me over the course of our 3.5 year relationship. She cheated on me twice, too. Now, I can't believe anything she might say to me (I'm not even interested in seeing or talking to her! and she hasn't tried to contact me). 

Your (x)gf is using you to get straight about the other guy. You ARE the safe option. Don't be. It hurt me terribly when I was dumped (and she married her neighbor for his money!) but I did get over it. You will to, but you have to let go.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

:iagree: 

This woman has too much open baggage. She isn't ever DONE with one relationship before she gets mixed up with another one. She will always have a "half finished meal" (other guy) she gets bored with now and then, comes to use you to make herself feel better (less bored), then she will leave you hanging and go back to the original meal when she gets the urge.

You need to let this one go or you ARE going to drive yourself nuts: she is giving you a _*million mixed signals*_ due to _her immature pattern of managing her relationships_. 

You feel the way you feel because you are her little puppet, Pinocchio!


----------



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Well, based on the lies she told you were they as bad? And, you had a much most understandable reason for leaving... I mean she cheated on you. It was never that bad with us... just she can't for some reason close the door on her relationship with him. Even now. And I tell her mom," She betrayed my trust by telling me she doesn't talk to him and doesn't want him in her life... and then I find her on a dating website talking to him (trying to be friends) and responding to two other guys' inquiries and that did it for me. And the fact that 2 weeks after we break up she's already on Myspace for dating and added him." To which she says, " You dumped her. What did you expect? She didn't expect this breakup, nor did she want it. She loved you with all her heart." 

To which I said," I expected a little more follow through. I never once told her anything but the truth. I always told her my intentions, feelings and needs and I always considered her feelings no matter what. I even gave up talking with my best friend who was my ex who I left on good terms just so Kari wouldn't feel intimidated. She couldn't do that for me? It took 6 months and many headaches and police involvement for her to stop, but here after we break up.. 2 weeks later and she's talking to him again."


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Z, no individual lie was "bad" (except when I found out she said she was going out with the girls and really went to screw someone else!), but taken all together - yes. 

She would tell me what she thought I wanted to hear or what she wanted me to hear. Trust was broken. Period. And I did love her deeply. Now she's a memory (and then only if I'm forced to think about it) and out of my life. 

Big lies or small ones...it kills the trust and that's what your (x)gf is/has done to you. She is lying to you and cheating by maintaining contact with him (and "friendly" contact at that). 

You're the fallback plan. Time to stop being the doormat.


----------



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Hypothetically if we put the ex aside and pretend that never existed, what about the rest of it because I keep thinking that perhaps I ended it too soon.

I remember her asking me if I thought i'd be happier without her and here I am more than a month later now and not any better than the day I broke up with her. I feel horrible... I want her and at the same time can't forget everything that happened. I want to get back together with her and at the same time feel like I can't. I was told by my friend that ultimately it was my choice but i'm extremely conflicted. I go between two polar opposite ways of thinking. On the one hand I wonder whether it's worth it to try a third time... But then again I wonder how many times can I think it'll be different until I give up entirely?

I don't have the answer to my own self and I can't say what I want. Do I want things to work out? Yes. Do I think things will change? I have no idea. Should I be the one asking her I want to talk when i'm the one who broke up with her? Did I make too big of a deal on how she handles things? Should I have been more firm with her and told what I expect straight up? But even when I told her how I felt about the way she handles problems and all I said was to just tell me what's wrong she says," Everyone handles things different ways." "To which I respond, "Yeah with some things that's true but with most things in a relationship, especially conflict of whatever caliber you should at least voice your concern and take the other person's explanation into consideration."

Bah... I hate today. 

P.S. Thank you all so much for reading all this. I know it's a lot but I really need some unbiased perspectives on this.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

she was drunk dialing you... that kinda says it all


----------



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Drunk when dialing me? I don't get it. Anyone else have some incite? I really feel like $hit today and have no idea what to do.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> ...
> But then again I wonder how many times can I think it'll be different until I give up entirely?
> ...


The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting/hoping the results will be different. 

Give it/her up. Move along. She's not worth your time. She won't change until SHE wants/needs to. You do not want to wait for that.


----------



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

dcrim said:


> The definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over expecting/hoping the results will be different.
> 
> Give it/her up. Move along. She's not worth your time. She won't change until SHE wants/needs to. You do not want to wait for that.


I feel 10 times worse without her then when I was with her. Would it be such a terrible thing to hope for change? Time is only time. Tomorrow's just another day... -"Hootie and the Blowfish"


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

People don't change their basic nature. She lies. You are just unhappy b/c of the break up; normal. MOVE ON. You have way too much vested in this relationship than is healthy--get your own life and self-esteem straight, then go out and see if you find someone worth sharing it with. You sound rather pathetic right now (sorry), writing this much about such a relatively short relationship. People married decades don't write this much. Get some distance and perspective, and you'll be so much happier in the long run.


----------



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

The length of time our relationship lasted is not important. I know what I felt at times when I was with her... there was a time where I felt like I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her... but we've known each other for 2 years before we got together. I mean, it just messes with my head when I see her at work. She is so good with kids, and had a great smile, beautiful face, is friendly, and I just always imagined being with someone like that. Everyone else she's such a great person, everyone she works with likes her... and here I am and I can't be satisfied with her. It kills me... but I can't ignore what happened either and at the same time I keep wondering whether it's such a big deal or not (what happened).


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Yes, it is a big deal. You don't want to let go and you are questioning your own judgment. Don't. The length of a relationship IS important, b/c you are in the "lust" stage still, where she seems perfect; you only learn to love a person with their faults aFTER that stage is over, and you aren't making it to that point b/c this relationship is NOT RIGHT for either of you--you have tried 2x, and trust me, going back b/c the break up is painful is a HUGE mistake. Suck it up, find out what others do to get over a broken heart, and move on. The WORST thing to do is to second guess your decision, b/c it will keep you from healing.


----------

