# Looking for the signs of an emotional affair???



## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

I have read about an emotional affair in so many of these posts that it has made me wonder about my own relationship and things that have happened in the past several years.

I think the term is self-explanatory. Your spouse has an emotional (meaning verbal only?) affair with another person. A couple in an emotional affair have shared their most personal thoughts and wants with each other but have not carried it into a sexual affair, correct? 

This type of affair would cause your spouse to pull away from you emotionally, almost the same as it would if he/she were having a sexual affair, right? What are some of the other signs?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

There are many signs of an emotional affair. Your description is pretty accurate. Other signs.

Withdrawal: Your spouse spends time away from you and you have a lower interaction
Reduced sexual drive: They show a drop in interest in you sexually.
Secretively: Spends more time on the phone, email, texting… than usual. Doesn’t share who they are communicating with.
Out of habit: Engages in activities that they didn’t used to. Sometimes used to camouflage their real activity in contacting the other party.
Not there: Seems off somewhere else while they are with you.
Doesn’t share: Does not ask you for advice, support as they used to.

There are many signs but you are correct, it can be just as damaging and in some cases more damaging then a physical affair. The recovery for my wife and I is still ongoing and I know that part of is because she still has strong feelings for him even though they have been out of contact for 8 months.


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

This is interesting. A couple of years ago my husband quit sleeping in the same room with me. Blamed it on my snoring, even though I have put up with his snoring for 20 years!!! 

He also started hoarding money. He has side jobs and makes a considerable amount, which he used to help out with the extra bills...but he now keeps it all. 

Sex, of course dwindled down to twice a month if I was lucky!!! When you don't sleep together the intimacy vanishes!!! Our feelings were rarely discussed. I rarely ever heard "I Love You". 

He tends to not tell me anything anymore. The only way I find things out is if I overhear him telling someone else something. 

I never thought about him having an emotional affair, although I have wondered about an affair period, but with who, I don't know??? I just assumed his affair was with his obsessiveness in golf....now I'm wondering...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tnt-

Why don't you just leave the guy? He sounds like such hard work honey


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## jennyc (Aug 27, 2008)

tnt...why dont you talk about this with him? Theres a lot of bad signs going on there, and it is definietly something that should be addressed...


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> tnt-
> 
> Why don't you just leave the guy? He sounds like such hard work honey


I've been married for half of my life, it's not that easy. Our first son recently graduated from high school and for the past three or four years he has been such a challenge to us (drugs, alchohol and wild girls). I guess I've just burried myself in keeping him in line and just recently realized that my marriage had fallen apart in the process. My son, by the way, is doing much better now, so I feel that we have finally gotten out from under that stress. In three more years, our youngest will be out of school, which will give my husband and I a new life together!!! And we're still young, kind of. 39 and 45.

I tend to blame myself for our problems...always have...but I realize now that it's not all me. It's just that since I have begun reading this forumn I have opened my eyes up to what has been happening!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So has the forum made it better or worse?


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

jennyc said:


> tnt...why dont you talk about this with him? Theres a lot of bad signs going on there, and it is definietly something that should be addressed...


I probably will eventually, although right now I'm just hanging back a little trying to recuperate from the last blow to our relationship. 

I'm just not sure how to word it. "Honey, are you sharing your most intimate thougths with another woman??" I'm sure that most men don't see a problem with that.


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> So has the forum made it better or worse?


Definitely better!!! By talking to you all I feel that I have made better decisions on handling my situations and in turn it has made my relationship much better!!! Before, I would have flown off the handle and botched everything up!! 

He is, by the way, sleeping with me again and telling me "He Loves Me" more often and our sexual encounters have been much better and more often...

And I know, I should just leave it at that and divulge in it, but now I'm wondering where everything went wrong and why. Hopefully I can prevent it from happening again. 

Things are not 100% better. There are still some things I wish he wouldn't do...but I'll just keep working on it and hope for the best!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

TNT!, how many times have I got to tell you, quit while you're ahead? 

You are doing so well. You have gone from almost hopeless sounding to very much on top of the situation. Even if you had super powers, you could not get everything your own way. You don't need to analyse everything - better to stay in the moment.

Give your hubby space now to enjoy a few of his little indulgences, and all will be well. The good thing about OCD is that it is predictable. Once you find something he likes, you can do it over and over again until he gets bored, but you would be surprised how long that could take. I never get bored by something I like. I could eat prawns every day.

My OCD is very mild though. And the boost I get from lots of sex keeps it very much at bay. That is one of the huge breakthroughs made in OCD recently - it was discovered that it is probably due to low serotonin levels. Sex and meditation boost serotonin. I do both 

I think ejaculation boosts it and then lowers it, so I practise semen retention which I have linked to in other threads. We have lots of sex, but I only cum once per month. Unfortunately, 28 days between cummings can make me a bit irritable when I don't get my own way. Once a week is smoother, but we like the challenge, and my wife enjoys how I keep from going over the edge even when she is touching me in all sorts of place while we are "at it".

When I have time, I am going to write something on how to introduce a reluctant male to the lifestyle. Most men I tell think I'm nuts - yet I have never had so much fun in my life. When I started, I was in a state of constant sexual arousal 24/7. In my opinion it is ideal for OCD men (and possibly women) as long as the female partner likes lots of sex. However, it definitely boosted my wife's sex drive as well, so it's all good.

More on chopblock's thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/15460-post36.html


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

MT: I know, I know, I'm like a broken record, aren't I??? I'll try to do better, but that bothersome "WHY" word keeps haunting me, and I've decided to be pro-active and try to prevent things from happening again. Plus, I don't think this ole heart will take anymore hurt and pain...can't do it...if he hurts me again, I'll have to do something about it, I've got to protect myself.

About your OCD therapy!! Very interesting!!! and maybe painful for you??? I'm very impressed with your self-sacrifice and willingness to try things to improve yourself...I wish my husband were willing to try things to improve himself, but first he would have to admit that there is a problem. How did you reach the point of realization that you needed help? At this point, I just wish I could try to "prolong" his ejaculations a little longer. It doesn't seem to matter how many times we do it, he still has a hard time holding off and rushing things. We've tried penis rings, but they tend to restrict his movement somewhat and don't really prolong ejaculations???

I've got to ask though, does the old saying "blue-balls" mean anything to you??? :lol: Sounds like something that a young teenager is going through waiting on his first time. Just funnin you know???


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

TNT-


> About your OCD therapy!! Very interesting!!! and maybe painful for you???


I am only mildly OCD, not full blown. I never get the blue balls thing, but I can get irritable!



> It doesn't seem to matter how many times we do it, he still has a hard time holding off and rushing things.


I have noticed with premature ejaculators, that basically, they are in a hurry. There is a technique called CAT (coital alignment technique) that is good for premature ejaculators. Basically in missionary, the man moves an inch higher up the woman's body than normal and grinds and bumps his pubic bone into hers. When done properly, the man does not thrust in and out. Instead of actually thrusting, he maintains pubic contact at all times, but varies the pressure form light to firm. 

This feels wonderful for the woman, because her clit is getting rhythmically squashed. The man gets very little stimulation because his penis is not actually sliding. I could do this all day and not cum. So if you can try this with hubby, you might get a result. Until you get the position just right it might feel a bit boring for you. Once I got it just right, my wife was in heaven.



> I'm very impressed with your self-sacrifice


It's no sacrifice, it's fun! It is all explained on my site: Semen Retention

If you want to help him gain mastery, there are two exercises in the link below. One he does on his own, and one he does with you. I learned complete control this way: Premature Ejaculation


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

Very interesting, MT. I will see if I can bring the subject up to him without making him feel inferior but more in a helpful manner. Right? What about losing an erection??? Any advice?? It doesn't happen often, but from time to time...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tnt- losing erections?

That one is simple. When men get older, erections come and then if stimulation is not maintained at a high enough level they can wilt a bit. At first it comes a shock. When I was younger, I was hard before my wife was undressed.

Anyway, all you and he have to do is get used to it. So if it goes down, you just gently stimulate him in his favourite areas, and after while it will come up again. Just make it a relaxed experience for him. On a normal day 1 or 2 minutes may be enough. But if he is having stress at work, it may take a bit more - say 15 minutes at most.

There is an exercise I read about in the ESO book, where women get there "older man" used to just this. The woman stimulates the man to erection with her hands, then stops, and waits for it to go flaccid. They both watch it wilt together. Then she rubs him again and up it goes. Then they let it go down. After a while the poor man realises that everything is still working, but it just needs a little more that a "situation" to get him hard.

Actually it's a good thing. I know your hubby has missed out here, but generally the flip side of not getting so easily aroused is that older men can last a long time without ejaculating.

The other thing that I should add is that he should be doing kegel exercises. These are not just for women. when men do them they get firmer erections and longer lasting erections.

Alcohol is bad, so is coffee, diet soda, and just about all soft drinks. Don't even get me started on Aspartame...


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## tnt20years (Aug 11, 2008)

Good advice, as usual!!! You must be the sex guru!! I will have to remember to be more helpful when these things happen. It worries him when it happens and "takes away" from the moment sometimes. Kegel exercises for men....never knew that was possible. I am learning so much here!!!

Thanks again!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

tnt-
you can have some fun with the kegels. Get him to stand naked in front of you, and do some. His willy should "twitch". It does not matter if it is hard or flaccid. Semi erect is probably best. You could ask him to make it twitch, and tell him you love watching it twitch! Get him to do it 3 times a week, 5 minutes at a time. No more is needed. If you ever convince him to do semen retention, it is essential that he does kegels, because he will not be getting the orgasmic contractions, that ejaculation causes. Kegels exercise the same muscles - the PC and BC muscles of the pelvic floor. You should do them too - 3 times a week.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

MT, thank you for that information! My hubby of 53 is experiencing a small bit of ED..but I have been convinced it's because he had an EA last year...Could it be that he just feels uncomfortable with this change in his physical function (or disfunction)? He is being more attentive to me in the bedroom, but just doesn't seem as interested as he used to be...who knows it could be our relationship + that, although we are getting along much better.:scratchhead:

Still it was helpful to hear a man's side of it and what the normal expectation is. The thing is when I was 25 I went out with a man that was my husbands age (twice mine), and he had no problem at all...Does that have something to do with it? (a young woman as opposed to a middle-aged?) Ahhh, am I getting too much into this?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

cao428-

Guilt can certainly make it harder to get an erection, see this thread. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/2209-1-week-since-i-found-out-my-husband-cheated.html

However, if it's just age, then yes he will need more stimulation. You have to start rubbing his bits more! Of course for some men, a 25 y/o also counts as extra stimulation, but that's life. One of the benefits of familiarity is that you should know what turns him on, and you can press all the right buttons whenever you choose.

The effects of age can be a shock to some men, but once you get used to it, things can be even better. Most men who had a bit of p.e. suddenly find they grow out of it, because they are not quite so excited.

Kegels will help him to an incredible extent.

It would help if you gave more detail about what you get up to, and the extent of his ED.


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## bluebutterfly0808 (Aug 18, 2008)

tnt20years said:


> I know, I know, I'm like a broken record, aren't I??? I'll try to do better, but that bothersome "WHY" word keeps haunting me, and I've decided to be pro-active and try to prevent things from happening again. Plus, I don't think this ole heart will take anymore hurt and pain...can't do it...if he hurts me again, I'll have to do something about it, I've got to protect myself.



you really need to give yourself a lot of credit! you are one strong woman. i get inspired just reading your posts! i have been married 12 years & have similar issues. thanks for inspiring me to make things better! keep moving forward!


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