# I'm Leaving



## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

Long story... here goes:

I married a mean man that I fell in love with because he swept me off my feet. He's always been known as a grumpy person. He got laid off 2yrs ago right before I found out I was pregnant with our now 19 month old. I have filled out every application for every job he has gotten since he got laid off. He made over 100k when I met him. He got that job young and did well till the layoff. However he shows absoutely no drive or ambition to get out there and hustle for our family. I had no idea this man was hidden under the guy who got lucky with a good job and made good money.

He got fired from his last job on July 24th and hasn't worked since. He has a CDL and I've told him mutiple times for months to go to one of the many temp services around us whenever he is out of work and pick up some local delivery shifts. I even signed him up for UBER which he only did twice.

I'm a SHAM. I got us on food stamps and got my daughter and I on Medicaid about 6 months after I had to quick working myself due to my high risk pregnancy at the time. He's lost 4 jobs in the last two years. All jobs I solely helped him find.

I have maxed out credit cards and student loans trying to help keep us afloat. I had to get a $800 loan last week to have something to pay bills with. Everything is behind right now.

Well on Tuesday I took $40 put it in my gas tank and went to my hometown (2.5 hrs away). I never leave the house alone so I enjoyed the ride plus I stopped by and saw my mom, so it was a really nice little getaway for me.

I get home and I could sense something was bothering him (as usual). After some intense conversation he yells out, IF YOU WEREN'T SPENDING ALL MY MONEY UP! I flipped and told him this was over and i was done. I told him he does not appreciate anything I do and how dare he even have that thought let alone say it out loud.

We got into a physical fight (not the first time but it was the first bruise leaving fight). He then proceeds to pin me down as he's yelling your not leaving me! Somehow we make it to the couch and he is pinning my legs down. (I weigh 200 he weighs 450). My daughter is right next to me in the chair while all this is happening screaming of course. So he then puts his hands around my neck and chokes me as I yell I'm not afraid to be murdered! He continues to choke me to the point of my eyes rolling back and my hands curled up to my chest. When he lets go he continues to pin my legs against the couch, I grab my daughter and try to get up, he snatches her out my arms. I begin to have a panic attack and tell him I need my pills. He lets me up and I take off running to my bedroom and it's over from there.

A few facts about my failed marriage :
We are ages 31 & 32. We've slept in separate beds for years, been together since 2009, started counseling 6 months before we got married in April 2013. His parents hate me because I took their litte money maker from them, his mother has actually gotten in my face trying to hit me. They have only seen my daughter twice. Sex has been very limited for over the last 4-5years. I lost interest when he continued to act like it was never enough. Once we got over the parent problem in counseling we started focusing on his disrespectfulness to me i.e., saying **** you, telling me he's tired of hearing my voice when i'm just trying to have general conversation. He's really just a rude person in general.

Daycare cost is of course why I have been unable to work but good news came on Thursday and my name is finally up on the state childcare assistance program, so I am currently looking for a job. I'm also waiting for my name to come up on the many assisted housing lists I've gotten my daughter and I on. I want to get us a little two bedroom until I graduate in May with my substance abuse counseling degree. I'm a realist and I know divorce isn't the end of the world but i'm struggling with just abandoning him.

I have let him know when we move out of our current rental house it WILL be separately. He took a drug test Friday for a job he's already gotten but the results have'nt been sent in yet for his official start date.

He wants me to let him move with me if he's not ready financially to be on his own and I do want him to have a place to take my daughter when she goes to see him. I've made it very clear that IF I allow him to move with me everything will be in my name as it will be my apartment. I'm in college full time so I've got about $5500 grant refund money coming in about 6 wks and I really wanna take my money, my daughter and escape this prison I have trapped myself in.

And yes I'm the typical wife that nags and belittles him when he does stupid immature stuff like throw the phone at me after I ring my cousin so he may speak to him about a job offer and refuses to talk to him telling me that's your cousin you talk to him. Or when I have to ask why he hasn't called this company back about a job. IDK what he's thinking because he has to work, we weren't born with silver spoons, very far from it. He acts as if my pushing him to get a job is the same as me pushing him to clean his room. I'm pushing you o do something that forces us all to do, WORK AND MAKE MONEY TO SURVIVE.

I'm so ready for this to be over.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Do not let him move with you. He was abusive. In front of his child. 
You need to leave now safely. 

Can you go back to your hometown for now until you get your new place? I wouldn't want you there for even 1 more day


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Call the cops right now and report him assaulting you.Do you want your child to grow up in foster care because he has hurt you so badly you can't look after her any more.Physical abuse by a husband only has one trend and that is upwards.This was the first time this morbidly obese ******* left a mark,it won't be the last.
I own a gym and we run self defence classes for women and a lot of these women have suffered physical abuse at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends,some of their stories are heartbreaking.Some of these women were charged by child protection services in the courts for endangering their own children by allowing an abusive relationship to continue,they were too terrified to call the cops.
Let me tell you something that you may not have considered,it's about the dangers of living with a person who weighs as much as your husband.If he had a heart attack during sex or while you were physically fighting and collapsed on you you could easily smother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Good grief, he got very close to killing you the other day. And you are thinking of letting him move with you? You know that if he does, he won't move out once he starts working. Can't he move in with his dear mother for a while?

You need to get to an organization that helps victims of domestic violence. You need help to get away from this man asap... and get your daughter away from him too. He will eventually treat her the say way he treats you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Call 911 and they will help you get away.

* The National Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*

If you are afraid your internet usage might be monitored call the national domestic violence hotline at 1 800 799 7233.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to call the police and report that fight from the other night. He needs to be removed from where you live NOW. 

If you won't protect yourself, at least protect your daughter. What she was is horrifying. You are teaching her that this is how she will be treated when she grows up. Is that really what you want for your daughter?


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

i honestly think he thinks i'm playing bcuz he keeps telling me to stop talking about the separation, as i've begun getting my things packed up and donated, i snagged a free coffee table today and he was pissed after he asked me where i was gonna put it and i said in my new apartment.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Men who have used choking in domestic violence situations are more likely to kill their partners. 

"If your partner has strangled you in the past, your risk of being killed by them is 7x higher"

Please keep in mind too the dangers even days to weeks after he does this. 

“Death can occur days or weeks after the attack due to carotid artery dissection and respiratory complications such as pneumonia, acute respiratory distress syndrome (ARDS), and the risk of blood clots traveling to the brain (embolization).”

6 weeks is too long. This is your end game and abuse will get worse as you get closer to leaving. Leaving an abusive man is the most dangerous time. You and your child are at serious risk. 

I have been in your shoes. I know it's easier said than done. I know you don't want to think they would actually do something "that bad". That's what we all thought and many women have died because they didn't think it was "that bad"


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## trapsoul (Apr 14, 2017)

he choked me in 2010 once when he got upset that i pointed out he forgot to lock my apt door, so this is actually the second choking


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

trapsoul said:


> he choked me in 2010 once when he got upset that i pointed out he forgot to lock my apt door, so this is actually the second choking


It typically gets worse again once he fully understands that you are leaving. The worst part is he doesn't even have to do it super strong or for a long time to kill you. He can do it without even meaning to. 

It is amazing what we get used to and live with. You can't see how bad it is when you're in it. Our brains force us to adjust and cope, I think to try to protect us. Once you are out you will feel it all lift off you. 

I also suggest counselling after. Being abused becomes a lifelong trauma. I developed severe anxiety, panic and ptsd type symptoms which I will need medication for life for. 

I am still not at the point where I can have anyone put a hand on my neck, even romantically, or wear shirts or necklaces that touch my neck too much. I'm fine everywhere else but touching my neck will send me into a panic attack. This is years later. Choking scares the crap out of me. I panicked a little just reading your post. I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please do go to your Moms while you wait in your money. 

Make sure you have all the paperwork you need when you leave and have an officer come while you pack and go. Just call the police line and explain. They should send someone out just to be there. No one in trouble, just making sure it stays safe.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Honestly, if you have to ask a bunch of internet strangers whether or not you should let him move in with you after he practically KILLED you in front of your child, I really have no words of advice...

Please get away from this man. Today.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do not let him move in with you. He will never move out. He wants someone to take care of him and no one else -- besides maybe his mom -- is going to do that. 

He likes the power of choking you. The third time could be the last and then what would happen to your daughter? I repeat: Do not let him move in with you.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Do not let this abusive man move in with you and your daughter, that is an awful environment for your daughter to be in as well as yourself. He is a grown man let him figure out what he is going to do.

Having gotten out of an abusive relationship myself, it only gets worse and one day he might kill you, then where will that leave your daughter, you need to only be thinking of her and you at this point.


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