# I never wanted "control" of you...



## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

One of the things that always stuck with me about my wifes complaints about me (despite their now-invalidity because of her affair) was the issue of me being controlling.
She would go out on girls night out almost every weekend.
She made about 20% more than I did every year, but due to the loans she took from her retirement once to get the credit cards she had under their limits, and then again a year later for the same reason.
She had no money, ever. when she did have money it was spent years in advance.
What little I made, I found myself competing against the grandiose lifestyle she afforded on her credit cards. 
Take her out to dinner, pay for it with my cash.
Then she would schedule a trip to new orleans with her girlfriends, and come back needing money to....you guessed it... make payments on her cards.
Keep in mind that we have/had a preteen daughter throughout this whole time. Even she mentioned that mommy was gone too much. 
Finding myself in the position of having to pale in comparison to her extravagant lifestyle through cash basis, when really she was only racking up the debt, made me seem like a very lame duck husband. Nothing I did could compare.
So in ultimately telling her that her going out was getting excessive, she began to ASK me if she could go do things.
Hello! you are a grown woman! go look in the mirror and ask yourself!
Was this to avoid her own conscience? to avoid her own guilt?
the only thing it panned out as was ME being "controlling".
I never wanted her to ask me anything. If she wanted to go do something it was far beyond any measure I could take to get her to "still like me" if I had said absolutely not!!! Stay home!!!
Of course I never said that, and her debt pile got higher, and higher. 
So one of her girlfriends has something going on and she calls me up to "ask if she can go".
I say, why are you asking me?
She says, because youve said I was gone too much in the past, and you make me feel bad about it.

I couldnt respond.

Its almost like being forced, or set up to be a controlling person.
Exercise your own self control, dont ASK Me anything about it!!!

Consider that you are 40K in personal credit card debt, have a family at home (well at least "did" up until now), have absolutely no money, your daughter misses you, (in the past "I" wanted to spend more time with her as well as be out with her too).
But instead I am "placed in the position" to make a determination, and nothing I say about it allows me the freedom from being controlling. 

Thats a nasty trick. Nasty! 

Now when she tells all her friends one of the reasons we are divorcing is because I am a controlling a-hole, she can feel a sense of truth to it.

Half the times, now that I think about it, I wonder if she was ever really going where she said she was. Meeting Mr. Wonderful tonite??? is HE invited, seeing that I am not?

Well, at least we had the good old memories of many a grocery shopping trip to sustain our romantic memories of one another.


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## mr.miketastic (Aug 5, 2010)

The old passive-aggressive martyr trick. I absolutely detest and loathe that behavior. If you are not quit of her yet, I suggest making it so and let her ruin the next relationship she gets into on her own. Blameshifting victims are just so full of fail and suck.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Shake it off brother.

Gotta keep in mind you have been a player in her warped reality for a very longtime. The character she "wrote" for you, has NOTHING to do with who you really are.

None of what she says is true, but you will never convince her otherwise. This is a very careful construct she has created in her mind and has pulled you and other people around her into. Rest assured, It's a lie and it will crumble. Stand back as far as you can. You dont want to be in that reality when it comes down.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Shoo,
Ideally the way this works is simple. You say: we need to have a budget. The budget will ensure we save x% of our total income. We will each have a discretionary budget. Yours will be 20 pct higher because you make 20 pct more. If she refuses to agree, or agrees and then ignores the agreement u see a lawyer. Not for a divorce, for a postnuptial agmt that spells out her debt is HERS.
If she chooses to divorce you at that point, that is not on you.


of the things that always stuck with me about my wifes complaints about me (despite their now-invalidity because of her affair) was the issue of me being controlling.
She would go out on girls night out almost every weekend.
She made about 20% more than I did every year, but due to the loans she took from her retirement once to get the credit cards she had under their limits, and then again a year later for the same reason.
She had no money, ever. when she did have money it was spent years in advance.
What little I made, I found myself competing against the grandiose lifestyle she afforded on her credit cards. 
Take her out to dinner, pay for it with my cash.
Then she would schedule a trip to new orleans with her girlfriends, and come back needing money to....you guessed it... make payments on her cards.
Keep in mind that we have/had a preteen daughter throughout this whole time. Even she mentioned that mommy was gone too much. 
Finding myself in the position of having to pale in comparison to her extravagant lifestyle through cash basis, when really she was only racking up the debt, made me seem like a very lame duck husband. Nothing I did could compare.
So in ultimately telling her that her going out was getting excessive, she began to ASK me if she could go do things.
Hello! you are a grown woman! go look in the mirror and ask yourself!
Was this to avoid her own conscience? to avoid her own guilt?
the only thing it panned out as was ME being "controlling".
I never wanted her to ask me anything. If she wanted to go do something it was far beyond any measure I could take to get her to "still like me" if I had said absolutely not!!! Stay home!!!
Of course I never said that, and her debt pile got higher, and higher. 
So one of her girlfriends has something going on and she calls me up to "ask if she can go".
I say, why are you asking me?
She says, because youve said I was gone too much in the past, and you make me feel bad about it.

I couldnt respond.

Its almost like being forced, or set up to be a controlling person.
Exercise your own self control, dont ASK Me anything about it!!!

Consider that you are 40K in personal credit card debt, have a family at home (well at least "did" up until now), have absolutely no money, your daughter misses you, (in the past "I" wanted to spend more time with her as well as be out with her too).
But instead I am "placed in the position" to make a determination, and nothing I say about it allows me the freedom from being controlling. 

Thats a nasty trick. Nasty! 

Now when she tells all her friends one of the reasons we are divorcing is because I am a controlling a-hole, she can feel a sense of truth to it.

Half the times, now that I think about it, I wonder if she was ever really going where she said she was. Meeting Mr. Wonderful tonite??? is HE invited, seeing that I am not?

Well, at least we had the good old memories of many a grocery shopping trip to sustain our romantic memories of one another.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Shake it off brother.
> 
> Gotta keep in mind you have been a player in her warped reality for a very longtime. The character she "wrote" for you, has NOTHING to do with who you really are.
> 
> None of what she says is true, but you will never convince her otherwise. This is a very careful construct she has created in her mind and has pulled you and other people around her into. Rest assured, It's a lie and it will crumble. Stand back as far as you can. You dont want to be in that reality when it comes down.


:iagree:

It doesn't matter if you were the PERFECT husband, she would have found some way to demonize you. Its straight out of the cheaters handbook. They have to demonize you to justify the affair to themselves.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You bad 'ol man! You made her overspend! You forced her to go out with her girlfriends and to take lavish vacations with them! Listen to the insane long enough and you start questioning your own sanity. The problem wasn't that she was a narcissistic, exploitative, boil on the buttocks of life, the problem was that someone actually had the bad manners to complain and that caused Her Highness feel bad. How dare you! You didn't force her to do squat and I doubt you or any other mortal could.


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