# How involved should a father be in daughters sex education?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I originally posted a similar thread in the Family and Parenting forums, and I thought that maybe I should also try here.
I am the father of a wonderful, smart-as-a-whip 10 year old, beautiful daughter, and I was wondering how much input I should have towards my daughter's sexual upbringing.
I feel that too many father's think that it is a mother's exclusive job to handle these things, and they start to withdraw from their daughters' lives, at exactly the time when she needs a good, strong male influence the most.
I fully understand why most fathers would feel this way-many are scared stiff of the thought of daddy's little girl turning into a woman with sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies and needs, and even the fathers who are most at peace with this fact are still reluctant to discuss it, for fear that if any outside person (teachers, clergy, best-friend's parents) finds out that they were talking about sex with their daughters, there will be a DCFS agent-and a cop-knocking at the front door.
So, how about it, guys-how much are you willing to discuss with your girls?

And, a disclaimer: PLEASE, no "shotgun behind the door/ put her in a convent until she's 30" type advice.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Since moms have "been there, done that", I think it falls more towards the mother to handle the daughter.

Us guys have enough problems manning up to talk to our sons.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

F-102 said:


> I originally posted a similar thread in the Family and Parenting forums, and I thought that maybe I should also try here.
> I am the father of a wonderful, smart-as-a-whip 10 year old, beautiful daughter, and I was wondering how much input I should have towards my daughter's sexual upbringing.
> I feel that too many father's think that it is a mother's exclusive job to handle these things, and they start to withdraw from their daughters' lives, at exactly the time when she needs a good, strong male influence the most.
> I fully understand why most fathers would feel this way-many are scared stiff of the thought of daddy's little girl turning into a woman with sexual thoughts, desires, fantasies and needs, and even the fathers who are most at peace with this fact are still reluctant to discuss it, for fear that if any outside person (teachers, clergy, best-friend's parents) finds out that they were talking about sex with their daughters, there will be a DCFS agent-and a cop-knocking at the front door.
> ...


My daughter's 21 now. I did not have to deal with the specifics of anatomy and function directly. Wife handled that. However, I did buy her an age-appropriate book when she hit puberty. 

I think the biggest thing I did for her regarding sex was in being specific about behavior and what to expect about some boys and situations.

I also made sure she could ALWAYS call me if she was in a situation that she could not handle.

When she was rebellious 16-year-old she was given a curfew and she didn't like it. I was really firm about that time.

I told her if she was late, we'd be looking for her.

She was late --once. And after a couple hours we did look for her and found her. She and GF were in a truck with two boys at the park. Her phone had no service, hills.

And was the truck battery was dead.

I had to give 'em a jump.

I know, a sideways comment.

Just be there for her.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Over time, you should teach her that sexuality is a gift from God and to be shared with her husband. You should demonstrate and talk about your values regarding how a man should treat a woman. You should be emotionally engaged with her to the degree that she does inappropriately seek out boys to start meeting emotional needs at too young an age.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I think the most positive thing you can do isn't talk, but really just showing that you treat her mom right. Be romantic with her. Take care of her. Speak to her with respect and kindness.

A daughter then learns, "Okay, I can get a man who treats me right not just by putting out. After all, if even mom got dad (daughter rolleyes at this point), I know I should be able to get someone I love and who is nice to me.

She needs to learn a model of a nice guy and the sexuality that exists between you and her mother.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

In my opinion there is usually one parent who is better at broaching this subject and thats the one that should lead the way regardless of gender.

if both parents are comfortable with this subject then the tag team method.

personally I feel both parents should have valuable input regardless of the childs gender.


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

If there was anything that would be key in my mind is to minimize the media brainwashing that sex is something to give when you love someone. Sex is something you give to someone when you're both committed to one another.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

All good points, and you definitely want to be involved and not withdraw, or she may go looking for male attention elsewhere.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Personally when it comes to this, current plan for me is to say to my daughter later on;

"Ask mum"


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Personally when it comes to this, current plan for me is to say to my daughter later on;
> 
> "Ask mum"


See? This is what is wrong with our society. What the hell is so bad/weird/difficult about sex that we fear speaking to our children about it? Nuts, I say!


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## danavince (Nov 19, 2009)

The most important thing you can do is be there for her and continually show interest in her life. Be approachable so if she has questions, she knows she can come to you. Mom's are a great resource to talk to their girls about sex, but as a dad you have something unique to offer in terms of how boys think, what to look out for and what not to fall for. It's about what you share, but it's also about your willingness to talk to her. If she knows you are there for her, she won't need to go to others to seek approval and recognition....she'll be getting that from the most important man in her life....you.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> See? This is what is wrong with our society. What the hell is so bad/weird/difficult about sex that we fear speaking to our children about it? Nuts, I say!


Agreed, 100%!!!

If a girl's dad looks or acts all uncomfortable and awkward when she wants to be open and ask him a question, she'll feel uncomfortable and awkward too...Not a good thing to feel about sex, especially if these emotions are some of the first a girl experiences!

Same goes for boys. 

Kids should learn from both parents and it shouldn't be something "dirty" or wrong. Often times kids will gravitate toward the same-gender parent with questions, which is totally fine, but I think BOTH parents should be available for an open discussion.

Other advice...Start young! Sex is, at the most basic level, a biological process. It's much easier to talk biology with a 7-year-old than it is to talk love and relationships AND biology with a 14-year-old. Start early and build up the necessary information and the necessary comfort in going to you for advice.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Lime, totally agree. I don't want her to think that sex is "dirty" and that if she thinks about it, that it makes her a "bad" girl. I definitely want her to feel free to come to me about anything, and reassure her that I won't "freak out".


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I have 3 daughters and the oldest is turning 10 this year. Dreading when the time comes and she asks certain questions I don't want to hear from her. My wife is a bit of a prude (well more conservative let's say) and it'll be either we ignore it and let her learn on her own or dad will have to stammer his way through trying to explain the birds and the bees to her.

I've been leaning towards, daddy cleaning a shotgun and a hat that says "Shoot 1st, ask questions later" if she ever brings a boy home but I'm thinking that might not be the best approach. It'll be the simplest though.

BTW michzz, what book did you buy for your daughter, I might look into that.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

A father and mother should be 100% involved in sex education with sons, and daughters. It's scary to think someone else will teach them.
Coming from a woman a helpful hint to you dads. May want to explain some things guys may say to coerce her into having sex with them. My mom gave me examples, so when the 1st guy used that come on line I knew. Mom was right.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

M&LI, I like your take on things, the W and I also show affection and never disrespect each other, (never any name calling/steaming behind the others back, like MY parents would do)so we hope our D has a good example when it comes to relationships. And cheatinghubby, I don't want to go the shotgun route (shows daughter you don't trust her, shows boy that threats of extreme violence are okay and necessary), but I may have a more subtle approach: she has a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, and I may just be discreetly watching the vids I took of her breaking three boards with her feet when the boy comes to call.


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