# stop playing helpless



## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

i see a lot of threads here started "what if i'm not attracted anymore?" from men and women and the specifics being wildly different.
i've got to say, in brief, it is not beyond your control. you are not a slave to your feelings. decide what you want and act on it.
i choose to be attracted to my wife.
the first action to take on it is to verbalize it. say it. out loud. if you can say it and believe it, it comes that much closer to being true. if you continually say, "i am not attracted." that becomes more true.
then say it to your partner. in whatever way feels natural.
and then? look at your partner. really look, don't disregard. open your heart. i can't explain, i don't have the words. you know what i mean.
as human beings, we are largely self defined.
anyway, just my thoughts on it, i hope it might help.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

beardedinlair said:


> i see a lot of threads here started "what if i'm not attracted anymore?" from men and women and the specifics being wildly different.
> i've got to say, in brief, it is not beyond your control. you are not a slave to your feelings. decide what you want and act on it.
> i choose to be attracted to my wife.
> the first action to take on it is to verbalize it. say it. out loud. if you can say it and believe it, it comes that much closer to being true. if you continually say, "i am not attracted." that becomes more true.
> ...


I understand where your coming from beardedinlair, but attraction is just not WANTING to be attracted to someone. They have to fit the mold each of us has in our minds as to what makes someone attractive or not. I think the equation behind attraction is not just that simple. If someone is just not physically attracted to someone, no amount of will (IMO) can fix that. I love my wife and I know my wife loves me. But we both agreed early on to stay healthy and keep our figures. 

I know I for one am NOT attracted to overly heavyset women. I am a butt guy, and for me a shapely butt is something that just gets my motor revvin! My wife knows that and has kept herself in shape (even through 4 kiddos) and does those extra exercises to keep that cute bubble butt that just drives me crazy. 

My wife does not like scrawny men, and attraction for her is the thick shoulders, broad neck and very muscular thighs. Through the years I have stayed true to working out and keeping active. I know how important thighs are so I focus extra on my thighs, etc to keep them that way for her.

As much as we love each other, we both know that we just cant force ourselves to find the other one attractive if they are not. I think people sometimes aren't totally honest with each other (or themselves) and don't want to admit that looks ARE that important. You can still LOVE someone and not be attracted to them. Sometimes things like attraction are in a way out of our control.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Crypsys said:


> I think people sometimes aren't totally honest with each other (or themselves) and don't want to admit that looks ARE that important.


:iagree: i think a lot of people try and force themselves to be attracted to someone they arent, and then end up resentful and the other person ends up hurt. Things get ugly and there's mixed signals. I think its more important to be very clear about what is attractive to you, and dont be shy about telling your spouse.


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

Funny,

my attraction stems more from emotion. I constantly wonder now, how I loved and desired my ex. what a fugly fugly little man he was oh my!

But here's something I've noticed too.

at least with woman, happiness with a partner contributes greatly to attraction. 

There are periods of time when I don't have sex with my husband, I don't want to and I can't muster it up. why? chances are he's slacking, he's disappointed me, I am dissatisfied with what he's brought to the table and it wouldn't matter if he was brad pitt from interview with a vampire all dark haired and green eyed, I couldn't want him if I tried.

for me, at least, happiness and satisfaction goes hand in hand with sex.

my husband was never fully inshape from the word go, I still thought he was the sexiest thing alive, he has a thyroid defunct, and his weight is never stable he's huge, 6'4" and 250lbs, but the vibes, the personality, everything else about him I loved is what made me find him so damn hot!

of course, I'm also not a casual sex kind of person, or really surface level, so I suppose it could be different for someone else, thats just my input on it.

if you're not finding your spouse attractive, chances are, something else is going on that is afffecting it.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

CLucas976 said:


> There are periods of time when I don't have sex with my husband, I don't want to and I can't muster it up. why? chances are he's slacking, he's disappointed me, I am dissatisfied with what he's brought to the table and it wouldn't matter if he was brad pitt from interview with a vampire all dark haired and green eyed, I couldn't want him if I tried.


uh oh
Be careful, CLucas976, before someone calls you controlling, punishing, abusive, withholding, goodness knows what else. LOL

No matter how many times we say or how many different ways, some guys refuse to understand THEY turn us on, and THEY turn us off.


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

You have limited control, particularly with regard to respect levels and "accentuating the positive" (as they say). But if your spouse gains 100 pounds, how you gonna choose to be attracted to that? Or if your spouse sits around on the sofa all day... just a matter of perspective? 

What attracts you is largely unchosen, and for most of us, the things we desire in a spouse are quite common. Hmmm...


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## beardedinlair (Jun 20, 2010)

seahorse said:


> You have limited control, particularly with regard to respect levels and "accentuating the positive" (as they say). But if your spouse gains 100 pounds, how you gonna choose to be attracted to that? Or if your spouse sits around on the sofa all day... just a matter of perspective?
> 
> What attracts you is largely unchosen, and for most of us, the things we desire in a spouse are quite common. Hmmm...


awesome responses, thank you all.
but i have to disagree with seahorse. what we find sexually attractive, i believe, is a conditioned response. and i am fully capable of conditioning myself, and i think most people are also.
if my spouse gained 100 pounds and was happy with it and wanted to be that way, i would learn to love it. it is my wife.
sit around on the sofa all day? what if they had to sit around on a sofa all day? for health reasons? i can't think right now why that might be, but would you abandon your love for that?
does anyone see what i'm saying?


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Susan2010 said:


> uh oh
> Be careful, CLucas976, before someone calls you controlling, punishing, abusive, withholding, goodness knows what else. LOL
> 
> No matter how many times we say or how many different ways, some guys refuse to understand THEY turn us on, and THEY turn us off.


i see you have yet another response that is biased to women to stir the pot, when the OP and several other responses were not gender biased. arent you defiantly defending this practice in another thread?

i think i understand that that guys turn women on and off, of course the mans ability to turn women on is predicated on the womans emotional state of mind at the time which changes hourly, whether their hormones are raging or stable, whether their mood is flirty and happy or angry and depressed, whether the man has somehow pissed her off without really doing anything wrong. kinda hard to figure out sometimes but thats the way it is. there is you tit for tat as far as genders go.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Clucas976 u mean, "controlling, punishing, abusive, withholding, goodness knows what else (LOL)"miserable ****! [partial quote from Susan2010....the rest inspired by Dan Ackroyd of SNL NYCity fame....couldnt resist, sorry. []


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

seahorse said:


> You have limited control, particularly with regard to respect levels and "accentuating the positive" (as they say). But if your spouse gains 100 pounds, how you gonna choose to be attracted to that? Or if your spouse sits around on the sofa all day... just a matter of perspective?
> 
> What attracts you is largely unchosen, and for most of us, the things we desire in a spouse are quite common. Hmmm...


My husband has a thyroid problem, he very well could gain 100 lbs out of nowhere, he has before.

wouldn't sitting on the sofa all day have an effect on my overall happiness with him and what he's putting into our marriage?

I can tell you what I think looks good(cough guyliner cough), but my desire to jump on it isn't there, it is however there with the personality that manages to suck me in. Most people think my husband is fat hairy and gross (I love the chest carpet, I pet him like a kitty)

I do agree that we have no actual control over it, I have however noticed when I have sex drive and when I don't and the circumstances surrounding it. I'm a little sex machine when I'm happy, calm, comfortable etc. I turn into the sahara when things get stressful, angry, hostile, problematic etc.


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## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

beardedinlair said:


> awesome responses, thank you all.
> but i have to disagree with seahorse. what we find sexually attractive, i believe, is a conditioned response. and i am fully capable of conditioning myself, and i think most people are also.
> if my spouse gained 100 pounds and was happy with it and wanted to be that way, i would learn to love it. it is my wife.
> sit around on the sofa all day? what if they had to sit around on a sofa all day? for health reasons? i can't think right now why that might be, but would you abandon your love for that?
> does anyone see what i'm saying?


I think you’re mixing up physical attraction, sexual attraction and love itself. It doesn’t sound to me as if you are referring to raw chemical attraction despite the fact that you claim you are. This is something we have little control over. Scientists study it in animals (and humans) and it is what it is. I think what control we do have in this area is to decide whether or not we will be open or receptive to this type of attraction, not whether or not it exists. Perhaps this is the type of control you are referring to?

Sexual attraction can be a result of many things not just physical attraction. Sexual attraction comes from a mixture of physical and mental stimulation. If someone has a downright disgusting personality but looks like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie (insert other hot celeb here) how can you choose to be continually attracted to that? 

What *I* think you are referring to are acts of attraction. i.e. kissing, hugging, holding hands, sex, etc. Or acts of intimacy which would be more of the same plus a mutual sharing of ideas and experiences. 

Just as there is a belief (one which I personally do not subscribe to because love and commitment are two different things) that love itself is a verb I can see how you might believe the same of sexual attraction. However, I would suggest that instead it is the acts of love or the acts of attraction which can be controlled or respond to your conditioning. We can choose to act in a loving way and we can choose to participate in intimacy with someone but it doesn’t necessarily mean we will feel love as a result just as these things don’t mean we will automatically feel sexual attraction as a result. If there were true it wouldn’t matter at all who we married. I think that manipulating (conditioning) in the way that you describe to the point of lying about whether the underlying feelings exist is just as unfair to a spouse as it is to be dishonest about why you’re not attracted to them in the first place.


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## Lostandunsure (Jul 1, 2010)

I understand EXACTLY what Bearded is saying. My husband is attractive to me and I want to BE with him in ALL ways because I LOVE him. I will ALWAYS love him and be attracted to him because of that love. My love and the emotional connection we have encourages me and spurs me to show that love through action. My first, and only other relationship, was with a large man. At first, I wasn't sexually or physically attracted to him, but his personality (at first) was so wonderful that I actually thought that he was the most handsome and sexy man ever. I was conditioned. I hate it when people say we're animalistic at best. We're SO much more complex than that. Perhaps some of us ARE animals at heart, but it's incorrect to claim that we are ALL the same. Our idea of attractiveness also stems from cultural influences. 
Bearded, excellent thought-provoking post!


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

No, I would never leave my spouse or cheat over such things. But a good portion of my attraction would vaporize. 

I believe desire and attraction are transient and fleeting by their nature. Keeping desire hot in your marriage requires ***active participation*** from both partners. If a spouse refuses to do this, they must accept responsibility for whatever fizzle results. Humbly, and in my opinion... 



beardedinlair said:


> awesome responses, thank you all.
> but i have to disagree with seahorse. what we find sexually attractive, i believe, is a conditioned response. and i am fully capable of conditioning myself, and i think most people are also.
> if my spouse gained 100 pounds and was happy with it and wanted to be that way, i would learn to love it. it is my wife.
> sit around on the sofa all day? what if they had to sit around on a sofa all day? for health reasons? i can't think right now why that might be, but would you abandon your love for that?
> does anyone see what i'm saying?


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