# What are generally accepted husband and wife duties?



## rustynails (11 mo ago)

My wife and I have been together for 15 years and I feel like my wife has slowly wiggled her way into a position where she basically uses me for money and responsibilities. I'm wondering what husband and wife responsibilities are for a typical healthy marriage couple. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) and she is a stay at home mom. Here are our responsibilities:

Mine (husband):
Work and bring in 100% of income
Pay all bills and take care of all finances, manage all bank accounts
Manage medical and dental
Auto repair, maintenance, car insurance, registration...
Home maintenance, insurance, management of all lawn care, pest services
Keep upstairs of the home clean
Keep garage clean
Take dog out in the evening
Take trash out, they come twice a week and it's my responsibility to make sure it gets taken
Teaching the boys. I do most of the teaching so spend a lot of time working with our oldest to teach him things like reading, math, chess, crafts, etc. I had him riding a bike with no training wheels at 3 and now he's riding dirt bikes at 5. 
Put together shelves, hang pictures, etc
Do my own laundry
Cook all my own meals. I have food allergies and the meals she cooks have a lot of stuff I'm allergic to. She's also vegetarian and doesn't like to touch meat so complains if I ask her to cook meals for me.

Her responsibilities:
Cook for her and the boys
Do laundry of her and boys
Clean downstairs although it's usually a complete disaster. I've tried to help her put cabinets/storage to get organized and put some systems into place but she refuses. So basically our downstairs just stays in a constant state of disarray. I have specific rules for upstairs so that our games and toys are put away when we're done playing and they don't get lost, destroyed, disorganized. 
Take older one to ninja class
Take older one to piano lessons
Take dog out in the morning/afternoon

We live in a really nice community and she basically spends her days walking, going to parks, enjoying starbucks, talking on skype with her family. My main stressor in life is eating. I own a tech company and have a lot of stress and responsibilities with the business. When you have a million responsibilities with work it becomes overwhelming to think about meal planning, recipe research, grocery shopping, etc. It just seems like another huge project that I don't have the time to mess with. I was hoping that when she quit her job a few years ago that she would be fully responsible for feeding the whole family but it just isn't happening. Now I'm sort of stuck here frustrated and feeling taken advantage of. Is it really too much for me to ask that she take care of feeding me as well? I have given her recipes in the past and he basic response is well I cook so if you don't want to eat what I cook then that's not my problem.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your wife sounds like a peach. She won't cook to accommodate your allergies, then says if you don't LIKE the food don't eat it? Being a picky eater and having allergies are two very different things. 

Yes, she should be cooking for the whole family. 

You said you are stressed trying to find new recipes and mealplan. Why don't you pick 7 days worth of meals and just keep that rotation? You don't need to always be searching for new ideas. 

Have you tried giving her vegetarian meal ideas that you can eat? You do have to compromise sometimes. You could also mealprep, even if it's just the meat to add to meals she makes (assuming she would accommodate your allergies).

I could be wrong but I sense resentment from you that she's a SAHM? Was that a decision that you were not on board with? Or are you just resentful that she's not pulling her weight? 

What does she do with the kids all day if you are having to do most of the teaching? I'm not saying you shouldn't do any (you should) but the majority of that is part of her job as SAHM. 

A lot of what you listed are pretty normal/stereotypical male tasks. It does sound unbalanced though. 

My wife is a SAHM. She makes sure bills are paid but most financial decisions are on me. Medical decisions are hers, but dealing with insurance is usually on me. Anything car related is on me, unless it's just interior cleaning or new wipers or bulbs. We have two lakehouses, one is more her responsibility and the other is all mine. Anything related to our boats, other toys, water sports is my responsibility. Teaching the kids and taking them out to wakeboard/waterski/tubing is on me. Home maintenance, she will try and figure it out if she can if not she asks me or calls someone. Outdoor maintenance is mostly on me but she does help (so do my older kids). Trash is the kids job now but she used to do it. She has no problem building shelves, hanging things, etc. I do my own laundry, she does hers and the little kids (older kids do their own). She takes care of the kids, does all of their appointments, manages the family calendar, deals with all the school stuff (forms, emails, meetings, issues, lunches, special dress up days, show and tell, etc), deals with the extracurriculars (we both do drop offs), puts the little ones to bed, does baths, gets up in the middle of the night, does the sick days, does most of the cleaning, does most of the cooking, groceries, etc. If the house is a mess when I get home, I help clean up. If she doesn't want to cook dinner, I'll do it. If I get home in time (some days I work from home, some days the office) I will help with dinner or cleaning while she cooks. On the weekend I help a lot more with cleaning and cooking. We both help with homework. 

Teaching the kids to ride a bike and play chess are pretty normal "dad" things to do. I taught my older boys (5, 13) to play chess at a young age but they never play with my wife (she has no interest).


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Your situation sounds a little off balance in my opinion, but it doesn't really matter what I think.
It could be completely off balance and severely screwed up by my standards and it wouldn't matter.

What really is important is how you and your wife feel about the division of duties. If you or her feels like the workload balance is off then a conversation should be happening. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world does, you both have to be ok with the way things are in your marriage.

If you're both not in sync with things then communication & negotiation has to occur. If that doesn't end well then seek marriage counseling.
To me it sounds like you're close to the counseling stage before things get worse (ie animosity & resentment builds up).

I've seen marriages where the wife did almost nothing and the couple were happy as anyone (I don't get it but it's true). And I've seen the reverse (that's a little more common but I don't get that either). In the end, it's up to you & W to figure out your balance. Marriage is for life so don't wait until you've had enough and the marriage is in jeopardy. 

Good luck rustynails


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

bobert said:


> Your wife sounds like a peach. She won't cook to accommodate your allergies, then says if you don't LIKE the food don't eat it? Being a picky eater and having allergies are two very different things.
> 
> Yes, she should be cooking for the whole family.
> 
> ...


Meal planning is a great idea and I tried that. The problem was that I was doing everything and then I would get sidetracked with work, have a server outage, need to work overtime, etc and next thing you know I'm completely out of meals, have nothing to eat, and overwhelmed. Then I get resentful because I don't feel like that should be my job. I like the idea of specializing in certain tasks, optimizing those tasks for efficiency, then being consistent. For me that's generating money for our family and I don't think her and I should both be specializing in providing meals. Imagine we just randomly run out of money and I tell her she needs to go work for the evening. It would completely derail her and I feel that way about cooking. Creating grocery lists, shopping, and cooking is not something I do often enough or with consistency so I just don't want to mess with it. 

I wouldn't mind eating vegetarian meals but the problem is with getting calories. Dairy and grains are the primary calorie source for vegetarians and I'm supposed to eliminate those from my diet. I've researched and provided her with a lot of meals that are vegetarian that are higher calorie but she may cook one or two and then forgets about them. There's just no consistency or dedication on her part. It's like a burden for her so she just doesn't bother with it. 

I have no problem with her being a SAHM and in the ideal situation it would work out for both of us. The agreement was that I would focus on making money and she would focus on saving us money by budgeting, etc. She also agreed to cook. Now half the time I come downstairs with the house a disaster and she's at target or starbucks, enjoying the park, or whatever she wants to. Meanwhile I'm stressed from work, starving, and then I get resentful. Her typical day is sleep until 8 or 9, get up and fix breakfast, go outside to the park and walk. Go by starbucks, talk with her family in Ukraine on skype, come home and take our oldest to vpk and put our 2 year old down for a nap, spend some time trying to organize all the crap she has that she hasn't put a dent in since moving into our new home a year ago, cook lunch, pick up 5 year old from school, go to the park or a walk again and get starbucks again... After the boys eat I play with them while she is catching up on dishes or whatever she didn't do during the day. 

In the evening I get our 5 year old ready for bed, brush and floss his teeth, bath him if he needs it, get him in his pajamas and tell stories, etc while she is putting the little one to sleep. Once the boys are in bed I take the dog out and let him run, go get some food, then come up and watch netflix, work, or whatever. She has a nighttime beauty routine that takes a few hours so we just do our separate things.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Your situation sounds a little off balance in my opinion, but it doesn't really matter what I think.
> It could be completely off balance and severely screwed up by my standards and it wouldn't matter.
> 
> What really is important is how you and your wife feel about the division of duties. If you or her feels like the workload balance is off then a conversation should be happening. It doesn't matter what the rest of the world does, you both have to be ok with the way things are in your marriage.
> ...


I have tried to bring it up several times and she says she does a lot for me. I'm like what exactly? Her response is take care of the kids, etc. I'm like ya that's you're responsibility as a mom, you're not doing that for me. I take care of the kids too by paying for everything they have. What I do for my wife is pay for all her bills too so she doesn't have to work or have a worry in the world really. Cooking and meal prep is really all I'm asking ffrom her but we keep butting heads over it. Honestly we've been to marriage counseling several times and we always hit a dead end with it. There is just lack of communication and respect that would facilitate a healthy marriage. At this point we're just in it for the kids and have been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years. I just get to the point where I feel used and taken advantage of because she just shops and enjoys her care free life while I stress about everything and work to provide for the family.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

rustynails said:


> At this point we're just in it for the kids and have been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years.


That's certainly an important bit that was left out.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

bobert said:


> That's certainly an important bit that was left out.


I mean even if she was a roommate there should be some degree of fairness and equal responsibility right?


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Soooooo…. Sounds like you are not having sex either?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It really isn't fair to say, I earn the money so you have to do everything else. I can't tell if thats the vibe you gave or not. 

Either way, it really does sound like she's using you for money and a lifestyle, with no desire or intention of changing. You really need to think about what you're going to do about it. 

The longer you wait around and support her as a SAHM, the worse off you will be in a divorce. At that point, there is no one to blame but yourself honestly.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

responsibilities are what you two make them.
if she is a stay at home wife....then that list of things she does will look HUGE and SUFFICIENT to her.
all that while other wives go to work every day and earn a paycheck IN ADDITION to all her household chores.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

If you're not actually in a loving married relationship then you probably need a division-of-labor-contract if such a thing exists.

I can't really relate to this situation anymore. If the marriage is in as bad a state as you say then that should be the focus & priority to fix.
If you don't want to do that because you hate each other or whatever reason, then divorce and you can worry about your house, she can worry about hers.

It's questionable whether staying for the kids is a good idea. Kids need loving parents, not fighting parents.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Soooooo…. Sounds like you are not having sex either?


Yes, but only when I've been "good" lol. There is definitely a lot of messed up things happening. Lots of conditional love, gaslighting, shaming... Then I react by being an ass and it becomes all my fault. I had to trick her into going to the latest marriage counselor by telling her that he wanted to talk to her about how he could help me be better. We have this vicious cycle that happens frequently:

She does/doesn't do something she's supposed to and I nag about it. Example I walk in a few days ago and she has boiling water on the stove, 2 year old is standing on a chair playing with the tea pot and she's nowhere to be found. I take him away from the stove and find her in the back bedroom. I tell her she cannot leave him unattended next to boiling water while she's in the other room he can get 3rd degree burns if he pours that on himself... > She says don't say that, he's not going to get 3rd degree burns. My response, "me saying he will get 3rd degree burns won't give them to him, you leaving him unattended next to boiling water will... > She deflects or says well you let him play by himself, etc... Then I reiterate or double down, then she responds with well you don't care about him anyway > Then I lose my ****... There is always some comment from her about how I don't support my family financially, don't care about my boys, don't care about her, etc, then I fly off the handle. We live in a $600,000 home, she doesn't work, they eat all organic... I am a great father and husband but don't get credit for it, never have. Well, I used to be a great husband but not anymore. Now I want nothing to do with her.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Sounds like there is nothing you like about this woman. Are you staying with her because of the kids?


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> If you're not actually in a loving married relationship then you probably need a division-of-labor-contract if such a thing exists.
> 
> I can't really relate to this situation anymore. If the marriage is in as bad a state as you say then that should be the focus & priority to fix.
> If you don't want to do that because you hate each other or whatever reason, then divorce and you can worry about your house, she can worry about hers.
> ...


Agree. I just know how much the boys need me for support, especially the 5 year old. It's to the point to where I'm staying because I don't want to spend several days a week away from the boys just because I don't like my wife. Plus she has changed a lot over the last several years. I'm not sure what kind if moron she would end up with and then I'd have another problem to deal with. Right now at least I see my boys every day and have full control over them.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Sounds like there is nothing you like about this woman. Are you staying with her because of the kids?


100%. I used to love her, now I just sort of despise her. I guess that is pretty typical of 15 year old marriages. Do all couples start to hate each other about that time and then work their way through it? Or are there couples where they have mutual love and respect even after being together so long?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How did the two of you meet?


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> How did the two of you meet?


I was in college and she was working here on a student work program from Ukraine. She was 19, I was 24.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rustynails said:


> 100%. I used to love her, now I just sort of despise her. I guess that is pretty typical of 15 year old marriages. Do all couples start to hate each other about that time and then work their way through it? Or are there couples where they have mutual love and respect even after being together so long?


No, not typical. Got to watch out for thinking in generalities. Is this good for you, or not. That is the question padawan.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> No, not typical. Got to watch out for thinking in generalities. Is this good for you, or not. That is the question padawan.


I wish it were that simple. No, this is not good for me, but is it good for the kids? Is having both parents together in a semi loveless marriage worse than having them separate and only get to see them x amount of days per week? Then you have to consider stepparents. Growing up with an abusive stepdad while only seeing my loving farther a few days a week has put a real scare in me about splitting up my family.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rustynails said:


> I wish it were that simple. No, this is not good for me, but is it good for the kids? Is having both parents together in a semi loveless marriage worse than having them separate and only get to see them x amount of days per week? Then you have to consider stepparents. Growing up with an abusive stepdad while only seeing my loving farther a few days a week has put a real scare in me about splitting up my family.


That's a the question. You'll get some responses stating it's bad to stay just for the kids, and you'll be modeling a loveless miserable marriage, others will say yes stay for the kids it's always better.

Well, it's not usually better.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> That's a the question. You'll get some responses stating it's bad to stay just for the kids, and you'll be modeling a loveless miserable marriage, others will say yes stay for the kids it's always better.
> 
> Well, it's not usually better.


Even if it's 50/50 I still have to consider spending days away from the kids and chance of them ending up with a not so good stepdad. So for now just trying to make it work. There's always the question of "can I fix this situation?" but the answer to that is not by myself. Trying to get the wife on board but that has been a real struggle even to get her to counseling. I live in a pretty upscale community and hanging out with neighbors all the time. There is so much cheating, abuse, drama, and unhappiness I don't think our situation is too uncommon. Just trying to navigate through it without losing my mind at this point.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

rustynails said:


> There is so much cheating, abuse, drama, and unhappiness I don't think our situation is too uncommon.


That's the environment you want to raise your kids in?

And yes, your situation feels uncommon to me. Maybe I'm just sheltered but in my world I would change my situation if it were like that.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That's the environment you want to raise your kids in?
> 
> And yes, your situation feels uncommon to me. Maybe I'm just sheltered but in my world I would change my situation if it were like that.


There isn't any cheating of physical abuse in our household. We usually don't yell in front of the kids so we've managed to keep it somewhat civil. I was just saying that unhappy marriage seems to be pretty common. We used to be a happy couple then everything changed when her mom came and lived with use for 1 1/2 years. She changed as a person, no longer likes the shows we used to watch, no longer likes the same food, changed religion. It was about that time that I went to personal counseling and realized the reason I was yelling and calling her names when we argue is because she says extremely hurtful abusive things to me, then I respond with anger. When I try to talk to her about those things her response has always been you fix you and everything will be better. I've always been blamed for the disfunction in our marriage and it's hard to work with someone like that. But like I said, I grew up with an abusive stepdad and know firsthand what can happen to a child when his dad is not around all the time. If we split up I cannot be there for my kids 100% of the time and I'm not going to take that chance. Once my kids are older I'll be happy to part ways with her. Until then I see my only option as try to fix the marriage or just deal with it the best I can.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

rustynails said:


> Agree. I just know how much the boys need me for support, especially the 5 year old. It's to the point to where I'm staying because I don't want to spend several days a week away from the boys just because I don't like my wife. Plus she has changed a lot over the last several years. I'm not sure what kind if moron she would end up with and then I'd have another problem to deal with. Right now at least I see my boys every day and have full control over them.


The norm in the US these days is to do 50/50 custody where both of you have the children and equal amount of time and equal days of the week. So like you could have them three and a half days a week and only one of those days would be the weekend and they would be consecutive days. That way children are not deprived of either parents and it usually keeps anyone from having to pay child support. During your times you are fully responsible for the children and are not relying on the other parent for anything and so you don't have to do any division of anything and you shouldn't even have to communicate with each other very often at all but just for drop offs and pickups glorious there was a child emergency.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rustynails said:


> Even if it's 50/50 I still have to consider spending days away from the kids and chance of them ending up with a not so good stepdad. So for now just trying to make it work. There's always the question of "can I fix this situation?" but the answer to that is not by myself. Trying to get the wife on board but that has been a real struggle even to get her to counseling. I live in a pretty upscale community and hanging out with neighbors all the time. There is so much cheating, abuse, drama, and unhappiness I don't think our situation is too uncommon. Just trying to navigate through it without losing my mind at this point.


It's a tough situation, there's no doubt about it. Hang in there.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

rustynails said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years and I feel like my wife has slowly wiggled her way into a position where she basically uses me for money and responsibilities. I'm wondering what husband and wife responsibilities are for a typical healthy marriage couple. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) and she is a stay at home mom. Here are our responsibilities:
> 
> Mine (husband):
> Work and bring in 100% of income
> ...



Setup autopay on the bills 

Hire a lawn service

Put in a dog door and dog can go in and out itself 

Hire a tutor. Many college students will tutor for 20.00 an hour. 

Do you have old high mileage vehicles? Exactly how often are you working on them? My truck is 15 years old with nearly 200k miles. All of last year was 3 oil changes, a belt, battery, brakes, and A/C recharge. About 4 hours of work total. 

Same with your house. How often are you working on it?

For trash, she is home all day. Tell her baby, I am heading to work and unless you want to hoard trash, it needs to be taken out 

As far as cleaning. I don't think she should be responsible for 100%. But I think it would be fair to expect 1 solid hour of cleaning per day from her. If she can't organize and pick things up, donate them to goodwill. 

Pictures/shelves, how often can you be doing this?

Spend a Sunday cooking your meals for the week and freezing them. That way you can just heat them up. 

Sounds like you two need to move to a smaller home and one that doesn't need constant maintenance.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

rustynails said:


> There isn't any cheating of physical abuse in our household. We usually don't yell in front of the kids so we've managed to keep it somewhat civil. I was just saying that unhappy marriage seems to be pretty common. We used to be a happy couple then everything changed when her mom came and lived with use for 1 1/2 years. She changed as a person, no longer likes the shows we used to watch, no longer likes the same food, changed religion. It was about that time that I went to personal counseling and realized the reason I was yelling and calling her names when we argue is because she says extremely hurtful abusive things to me, then I respond with anger. When I try to talk to her about those things her response has always been you fix you and everything will be better. I've always been blamed for the disfunction in our marriage and it's hard to work with someone like that. But like I said, I grew up with an abusive stepdad and know firsthand what can happen to a child when his dad is not around all the time. If we split up I cannot be there for my kids 100% of the time and I'm not going to take that chance. Once my kids are older I'll be happy to part ways with her. Until then I see my only option as try to fix the marriage or just deal with it the best I can.


Divorce, go for 100% custody. That's the only option not stated. But it is unlikely you'd get this unless she's really unfit.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Sounds like a culture clash to me. Tell your wife, in a non confronting way, that divorce will be next if things don't change. But be prepared to go through with it. See how she reacts (apart from screaming at you).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I say this in all seriousness; The “duty” of all couples in this day and age is to actually talk and communicate about things like division or labor, management or income, child rearing, domestic chores/house keeping, meals etc etc etc. 

In days of yore, society and past practice determined what people’s marital duties and expectations of behavior would be. 

That was both a blessing as well as a curse depending on your point of view.

But today those assumptions can no longer be made. Today couples must expressly discuss and come to mutual agreement on what their individual roles and responsibilities will be.

And furthermore those discussions cannot be a One-And-Done type affair that is expected to remain in place for 49 years. Things change. People change. Economics change. Society changes. Communication and collaboration will need to be ongoing and periodic as environments and circumstances change and evolve. 

What worked 10 years ago, may not be a viable option today.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Divorce, go for 100% custody. That's the only option not stated. But it is unlikely you'd get this unless she's really unfit.


Why on earth would he want 100% custody???? 😮 

Good Lord, he has a ton on his plate now. At least she’s letting out the dog and fessing and laundering the kids and keeping them away from poison and power tools during the day. 

If he had full custody, he’d be doing all that by himself too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s secure now so she sees no reason to continue the pretense. What I think? You got played. It’s up to you if you can continue to deal with her as she really is.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

rustynails said:


> I wish it were that simple. No, this is not good for me, but is it good for the kids? Is having both parents together in a semi loveless marriage worse than having them separate and only get to see them x amount of days per week? Then you have to consider stepparents. Growing up with an abusive stepdad while only seeing my loving farther a few days a week has put a real scare in me about splitting up my family.


But kids being in your household right now with the discord, that is also abusive. And don't be naive and think they don't know what's up. Even if you're careful not to fight in front of them, they sense the tension and discord, and it scares them. I know because I grew up in such a household. 

As for stepparents, most kids consider them all undesirable, but kids don't get to make the decision. If the worst happened and she had them half the time with a bad stepdad around, you would have them the other half the time and know about it and could call Child Protective Services.

If you do 50/50, a lot of times, the step or pending step will choose not to hang around as much the 3 1/2 days the ex has the kids since there's 3 1/2 other days of the weeks when he/she does not have them underfoot. Most people aren't wild about other people's kids.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Your wife sucks, no offense. 

She sounds incredibly entitled and 100 percent spoiled.

Purely for not cooking for you, given her cushy lifestyle, in your shoes I'd be done w the marriage. 

A good partner, she is most certainly not.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I really sounds like she's not keeping up her end of the bargain. If you still love her you should sit her down and clearly explain your expectations in a loving and caring way. If you want to be very serious, you could say that if things don't change you are going to end the marriage.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

This is way more complicated than who does the chores. It appears that you wife only does what she want to do and nothing else. She's not going to make food that you can eat, so it doesn't matter of 99% of us think she should.

I was a SAHM. Now I'm a SAHW. I keep the house and cook the meals. I'd bend over backwards to make sure my husband has what he needs, including wonky allergies, if it came to that. I love my husband and want him to be healthy and happy. I don't think your wife has that mindset at all.

Also, being a SAHM to small children is a lot more work than it looks. Sometimes it's hard to get anything done at all. Going to the park or something out of the house means the kids aren't making a mess.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> Why on earth would he want 100% custody???? 😮
> 
> Good Lord, he has a ton on his plate now. At least she’s letting out the dog and fessing and laundering the kids and keeping them away from poison and power tools during the day.
> 
> If he had full custody, he’d be doing all that by himself too.


He said he was worried about getting a horrible stepdad. Sole custody would alleviate that. He has to choose, not waffle. Really he may indeed not be able to handle it. I'm not minimizing his ability to make his own choice. Reality is going to smack OP either way.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Yeah.. THAT'S why people do the 5 2 2 5 schedule. Uh huh.
> 
> I've never, and I've seen a **** ton of divorce judgments and PR&R Judgments, seen a schedule such as you outline, where people have the kids "3.5 days during the week and one day every weekend schedule". Parents usually treat weekends as block events. Do you work in the field of law?? I'm wondering where you would have seen so many people with that weird visitation schedule.


All are option...









Creating a 50/50 Custody Schedule That Works


Did you know that, according to The Daily Campus, 39% of marriages ...




www.2houses.com


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Your wife sucks, no offense.
> 
> She sounds incredibly entitled and 100 percent spoiled.
> 
> ...



I don't know. I'm staying out of the blame game on this situation. Too many word choices by OP aren't making sense for me. It sorta feels like there's more to this story honestly. I could be wrong, I don't know. It's just my spidey sense is tingling.

Things that make me go hmmm:


rustynails said:


> Then *I react by being an ass *and it becomes all my fault. *I had to trick her* into going to the latest marriage counselor by telling her that he wanted to talk to her about how he could help me be better.





rustynails said:


> She does/doesn't do something she's supposed to and *I nag about it*.





rustynails said:


> There is always some comment from her about how I don't support my family financially, don't care about my boys, don't care about her, etc,* then I fly off the handle*.





rustynails said:


> t because *I don't like my wife*.





rustynails said:


> and have *full control over them*.





rustynails said:


> then *I respond with anger*.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I work full time now 9 months out of the year (leave at 6 home at 4). 80% of my income funds the kids college tuition. I also :

make hot breakfast (scratch) four days out of the week
do 70% of the grocery shopping and 80% of meal cooking and planning-homecooked meal 5 days a week
vacuum, mop, clean the house (90% of indoor chores, keep house clean daily)
do laundry but not put individual clothes away
walk the dog (70/30)
drop off/pick up son from activities 60/40
pay medical bills/set up appointments

Dh: cuts grass/vehicle maintenance/snow blowing
tech maintenance
does bulk shopping 70% of the time
home repairs
works full time/pays bills sets budget


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Looking after 2 children - 2 and 5 - all day is not a walk in the park. Can we remember this when we blame the wife for everything? We don’t know her side of the story. Also, being away from your native country, culture and family is not easy. I know for personal experience.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don't know. I'm staying out of the blame game on this situation. Too many word choices by OP aren't making sense for me. It sorta feels like there's more to this story honestly. I could be wrong, I don't know. It's just my spidey sense is tingling.
> 
> Things that make me go hmmm:


This post, by @BeyondRepair007, makes a lot of sense. No wonder your wife isn't so concerned about your needs. The two of you seem to have a poor relationship. Had you thought about working to build a positive, loving relationship with your wife? Tricking her into marriage counseling isn't the answer. First you have to change your approach, because you can only control yourself. Your wife is unlikely to want to make love if you aren't loving. It goes both ways, of course, but you can choose to build your wife up and thus your marriage, to be apathetic, or to tear your marriage down. Which will you choose?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Is there anything positive you like about your wife?

This marriage sounds like a nightmare. I get you wanting to stick around for your kids, but they're 2 and 5 yrs old. You going to stick this out for the next 16 yrs??


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

rustynails said:


> We live in a really nice community and she basically spends her days walking, going to parks, enjoying starbucks, talking on skype with her family. My main stressor in life is eating. I own a tech company and have a lot of stress and responsibilities with the business. When you have a million responsibilities with work it becomes overwhelming to think about meal planning, recipe research, grocery shopping, etc. It just seems like another huge project that I don't have the time to mess with. I was hoping that when she quit her job a few years ago that she would be fully responsible for feeding the whole family but it just isn't happening. Now I'm sort of stuck here frustrated and feeling taken advantage of.* Is it really too much for me to ask that she take care of feeding me as well?* I have given her recipes in the past and he basic response is well I cook so if you don't want to eat what I cook then that's not my problem.


Nope it's not too much to ask at all. You're married for goodness sake, she should be more than willing to work as a team, and she should be willing to at least TRY to cook for you. You can get ready-prepped meat these days that you literally plop into a pan or into the oven and voila, cooked meat! If she's adverse to touching the meat, there are gloves to wear for stuff like that. On the flipside, if she 100% won't touch the meat, would you doing a weekend BBQ meal prep for yourself be an option, and she can take care of the potato and veg portions of all meals? Note: I'm a woman who was formerly married to a man who was allergic to MANY foods. It was a lifestyle change and I had to relearn how to cook using the things that he could eat. Some of his allergies were bad that we had epi pens in the house. It's a challenge but it's doable. Another note: my now XH did **** all around the house, too, so it fell on me to do most of the cooking, cleaning, yard work, and looking after the dogs.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I don't know. I'm staying out of the blame game on this situation. Too many word choices by OP aren't making sense for me. It sorta feels like there's more to this story honestly. I could be wrong, I don't know. It's just my spidey sense is tingling.
> 
> Things that make me go hmmm:


Some of these driven, highly ambitious business owner types can often fall into a couple categories. 

Some come home at the end of the day and don’t want to make one more decision or tell one more person what to do and they get home and basically sit the or they wait to be told what to do.

Others are the opposite and can not turn off the boss-mode and basically treat the family like employees and worker bees and come home and boss everyone around and are highly demanding and confrontational. 

Neither are particularly effective for a healthy home and family life.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

rustynails said:


> 100%. I used to love her, now I just sort of despise her. I guess that is pretty typical of 15 year old marriages. Do all couples start to hate each other about that time and then work their way through it? Or are there couples where they have mutual love and respect even after being together so long?


Of course they don't. Good grief.🤨


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I will never understand why a couple would ever do their laundry separately. Its far easier to do it all together. Same with meals


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I will never understand why a couple would ever do their laundry separately. Its far easier to do it all together. Same with meals


Uhh I have work clothes I wash on cool or cold water delicate cycle. That doesn't work for a lot of men's clothes. Also I kinda want to do my underwear and pajamas separately from "outside" clothes. Why would I make a guy deal with all of the separate laundry particulars I have?

It's far easier for adult men and women to take care of their own laundry in many instances.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

rustynails said:


> There isn't any cheating of physical abuse in our household. We usually don't yell in front of the kids so we've managed to keep it somewhat civil. I was just saying that unhappy marriage seems to be pretty common. We used to be a happy couple then everything changed when her mom came and lived with use for 1 1/2 years. She changed as a person, no longer likes the shows we used to watch, no longer likes the same food, changed religion. It was about that time that I went to personal counseling and realized the reason I was yelling and calling her names when we argue is because she says extremely hurtful abusive things to me, then I respond with anger. When I try to talk to her about those things her response has always been you fix you and everything will be better. I've always been blamed for the disfunction in our marriage and it's hard to work with someone like that. But like I said, I grew up with an abusive stepdad and know firsthand what can happen to a child when his dad is not around all the time. If we split up I cannot be there for my kids 100% of the time and I'm not going to take that chance. Once my kids are older I'll be happy to part ways with her. Until then I see my only option as try to fix the marriage or just deal with it the best I can.


I've seen this be an issue for many couples...other people moving it. Whether it is mother in laws or adult kids, it rarely, if ever works. I set the rule in my house that no one will be moving in.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

If your wife doesn't want to do the work of a SAHM just tell her to get a job and hire a nanny to replace her. If you hire a young, pretty one maybe you'll get some competition anxiety and your wife will have sex with you.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

rustynails said:


> now I just sort of despise her.


Children are perceptive and they WILL pick up on this. Look, I'm not talking directly to you now OP, but many people stay in marriages that they should NOT stay in and so many say they are staying for the children.

Many adults are on sites online who say they wished their parents had divorced.

I didn't use the word "despise", you did and guess what? It's going to get worse from where it is right now like this.

Don't say it won't, you said yourself you used to love her and now you sort of despise her. 

So it's already changed and I'm here to tell you it's going to keep on changing and not for the better either if things remain on the same path.

Do or do not, there is no try.

Of course she'll resist things, she LIKES the way things are now so don't expect her to agree with you, to meet you half way etc.

Keep putting up with this... or don't.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

rustynails said:


> At this point we're just in it for the kids and have been sleeping in separate rooms for about 3 years.


Erm…


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

ignoring all the duties other than romantic:
women need to dress sexy, 
build up their guy's ego.
give copious amounts of PIV and oral sex
try kinky things from time to time.

Guys 
need to stay buff
need to give wife compliments
need to get her to orgasm EVERY TIME they have sex
need to fulfill their sexual and romantic fantasies


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## pippo (Jan 12, 2022)

We divide duties daily. BUT if one partner finishes, the other partner is asked if he /she needs help doing unfinished work. No one ends up sitting on the sofa watching TV while the other is still trying hard to catch up.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Talker67 said:


> ignoring all the duties other than romantic:
> women need to dress sexy,
> build up their guy's ego.
> give copious amounts of PIV and oral sex
> ...


What if their fantasy is to not have to give oral and do kinky things?


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

rustynails said:


> I feel used and taken advantage of because she just shops and enjoys her care free life while I stress about everything and work to provide for the family.


My good Sir..... this is not just a "feeling". The FACT is, you are used and taken advantage of.



rustynails said:


> Her response is take care of the kids, etc. I'm like ya that's you're responsibility as a mom, you're not doing that for me.


":you're not doing that for me" is EXACTLY, 100%, PURE, TRUTH. You are busting your a$$, she is doing what trips her trigger. I said this about 500 times when our kids were being taken care of by her. How absolutely unfair and double-standard this whole thing is.

If you don't PAY for it all, sacrifice your whole waking life on an altar of being the sole breadwinner, NEVER get 15 minutes to do what trips your trigger, society will call you a selfish, lazy-a$$ed deadbeat. And a court of law will enforce that you have to work even more to pay for two households if you divorce.

But don't you dare ask for any of her time spent doing anything similar. She is allowed by society to NEVER GIVE 15 minutes to you, your needs, your desires of life, and she is lauded as a hero.

"despise" is an extremely accurate word for it.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TJW said:


> My good Sir..... this is not just a "feeling". The FACT is, you are used and taken advantage of.


I agree, it’s more than a feeling. I think it’s as clear as the sun in the summer sky that the OP is getting the short end of the stick.

I’m sure if he leaves her face will fade as the years go by.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

It seems like a lot of men don't understand that just working and paying the bills isn't enough. You're stressed out, fine, I get it, but you also have to take care of business at home if you want to maintain your wife's respect. And when you keep her respect then you can get her to do things like cook for you. If that's what you find important.

Taking care of business at home, first and foremost means evading her defenses and getting into her pants on at least a semi regular basis. If you despise this woman and are making no effort whatsoever to romance her then no wonder she throws whatever you have to say out like yesterday's garbage.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

gaius said:


> It seems like a lot of men don't understand that just working and paying the bills isn't enough. You're stressed out, fine, I get it, but you also have to take care of business at home if you want to maintain your wife's respect. And when you keep her respect then you can get her to do things like cook for you. If that's what you find important.
> 
> Taking care of business at home, first and foremost means evading her defenses and getting into her pants on at least a semi regular basis. If you despise this woman and are making no effort whatsoever to romance her then no wonder she throws whatever you have to say out like yesterday's garbage.


So you are saying that a man working often more than 40 hours a week providing housing, food, utilities, making sure you have a bed to sleep in at night, and providing you with children women often desire isn't enough for basic respect? Do all that and maybe, just maybe a guy can get a meal?

I promise to try and be a good doggy woof woof


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So you are saying that a man working often more than 40 hours a week providing housing, food, utilities, making sure you have a bed to sleep in at night, and providing you with children women often desire isn't enough for basic respect? Do all that and maybe, just maybe a guy can get a meal?
> 
> I promise to try and be a good doggy woof woof


Couples need a loving emotional connection, so no, providing financially isn't enough. My husband is the sole financial provider. We both have our jobs. His main job is to bring home money. My main job is to care for home and family. I expect very little from my husband regarding chores. Both of us require effort to be put into emotional connection. 


Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Cynthia said:


> Couples need a loving emotional connection, so no, providing financially isn't enough. My husband is the sole financial provider. We both have our jobs. His main job is to bring home money. My main job is to care for home and family. I expect very little from my husband regarding chores. Both of us require effort to be put into emotional connection.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Providing for the family is part of an emotional connection. Its saying hey, I love and care about you enough to work all week to make sure the family doesn't live under a bridge and eating from a dumpster. 

Working isn't a full emotional connection, but its definitely a part of it..... To say its not is in my opinion selfish.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cynthia said:


> Couples need a loving emotional connection, so no, providing financially isn't enough. My husband is the sole financial provider. We both have our jobs. His main job is to bring home money. My main job is to care for home and family. I expect very little from my husband regarding chores. Both of us require effort to be put into emotional connection.
> 
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


Well, no. Just by being committed 40 plus hours a week providing financially for the family is a large part of demonstrating commitment.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Uhh I have work clothes I wash on cool or cold water delicate cycle. That doesn't work for a lot of men's clothes. Also I kinda want to do my underwear and pajamas separately from "outside" clothes. Why would I make a guy deal with all of the separate laundry particulars I have?
> 
> It's far easier for adult men and women to take care of their own laundry in many instances.


I dunno, we've figured it out somehow. We pretty equally share in laundry duty. My wife does exactly as you mention here. It isn't rocket science, I was able to follow along, lol. It would be a waste to have so many small loads when we can combine our like clothes. The only thing we don't do for each other is put them away. We fold and separate of clothes, then we each put our own away.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Providing for the family is part of an emotional connection. Its saying hey, I love and care about you enough to work all week to make sure the family doesn't live under a bridge and eating from a dumpster.
> 
> Working isn't a full emotional connection, but its definitely a part of it..... To say its not is in my opinion selfish.


I agree that I see playing the role of provider is part of the emotional connection and commitment. What you can't forget is that the wife caring for the kids and household is the same for the wife. I think what @Cynthia is saying is that those are the expected minimums. Those are both your jobs. One happens to bring in cash, but the other is equally important and they deserve mutual respect.

That leaves both spouses to make sure the other's emotional needs are met. If a couple aren't emotionally connected and fulfilling each other's intimacy needs the marriage is in jeopardy. I think that bond needs to be maintained if you want to have a happy, long marriage.

The OP hasn't slept in the same bed as his wife for 3 years. Even if everything else were fair and equitable the marriage is still broken.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

How is her parents marriage? Do you think her culture is very different from yours?

My husband and I have had the same views for the most part, but once in a while our cultural differences surface and we have to discuss and agree to a middle ground.

I was a full time SAHM when my kids were little. I'm not going to lie, it was tiring. I felt less motivated to do anything because I was always running errands, cleaning, cooking, driving the kids around, waking up in the middle of the night, feeling exhausted and feeling like I wasn't accomplishing anything. I knew I had to go back to work once I was able to. 

Kids at 3 and 5 can be a little independent. They can help pickup the toys, I remember having a big plastic Rubbermaid box and my kids were supposed to put their toys there before they went to bed. It worked somewhat. They were kids! 

Your wife can also go back to work part time. The kids can go to a pre-k program and she can start becoming independent again. This is good for you because if you divorce, she'll get spousal support if she's a SAHM with no income of her own. 

If things are not good between both of you, you need to start looking into ways to make sure she can take care of herself if you guys divorce. Kids won't be little forever. 

My husband didn't care about the mess around the house. Once kids grow up, you won't have the same mess. I think it's not worth it to argue about the mess. It won't last forever. I think it's more important for your wife to care about your meals rather than the toys around the house. It seems she doesn't really care about you anymore. 

Have you guys talked about separating but maybe live in the same house for the sake of the kids? 

What does she say about your relationship? What does she want from her marriage? What's her plan once the kids get a little older?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

The wife is to meet the husband when he gets home from work, wearing a French made outfit, or just the apron, holding a plate of nachos or wings and a frosted mug of his favorite beer.

Reverse roles if the wife is coming home from work.😉


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I agree that I see playing the role of provider is part of the emotional connection and commitment. What you can't forget is that the wife caring for the kids and household is the same for the wife. I think what @Cynthia is saying is that those are the expected minimums. Those are both your jobs. One happens to bring in cash, but the other is equally important and they deserve mutual respect.
> 
> That leaves both spouses to make sure the other's emotional needs are met. If a couple aren't emotionally connected and fulfilling each other's intimacy needs the marriage is in jeopardy. I think that bond needs to be maintained if you want to have a happy, long marriage.
> 
> The OP hasn't slept in the same bed as his wife for 3 years. Even if everything else were fair and equitable the marriage is still broken.


I agree and think I understand a little better. The guy working to support the family and the wife supporting the house is together a foundation for the emotional connection.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> The wife is to meet the husband when he gets home from work, wearing a French made outfit, or just the apron, holding a plate of nachos or wings and a frosted mug of his favorite beer.
> 
> Reverse roles if the wife is coming home from work.😉


I can only imagine my husband wearing a french maid outfit!! 

Je ne veux pas voir ça!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

pastasauce79 said:


> I can only imagine my husband wearing a french maid outfit!!
> 
> Je ne veux pas voir ça!


No?🤣


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> So you are saying that a man working often more than 40 hours a week providing housing, food, utilities, making sure you have a bed to sleep in at night, and providing you with children women often desire isn't enough for basic respect? Do all that and maybe, just maybe a guy can get a meal?
> 
> I promise to try and be a good doggy woof woof


It's actually a lot more dog like and weak to provide for a woman you have no sexual interest in. You're supposed to provide as part of a sexual, intimate relationship. Otherwise you're just the chump who goes to the strip club and spends his paycheck for a whole lot of nothing. And no, nobody respects you for that. No matter how well you do it.

And if you have a problem with that, I wasn't the one who programmed women to have no respect for men who behave like that. You'll have to take it up with god or whoever was responsible.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Or it all could boil down to this (just being the devil's advocate), because it happens all the time:



rustynails said:


> I was in college and *she was working here on a student work program from Ukraine.* She was 19, I was 24.


used you (no love) to stay in the US.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> This post, by @BeyondRepair007, makes a lot of sense. No wonder your wife isn't so concerned about your needs. The two of you seem to have a poor relationship. Had you thought about working to build a positive, loving relationship with your wife? Tricking her into marriage counseling isn't the answer. First you have to change your approach, because you can only control yourself. Your wife is unlikely to want to make love if you aren't loving. It goes both ways, of course, but you can choose to build your wife up and thus your marriage, to be apathetic, or to tear your marriage down. Which will you choose?





oldshirt said:


> Some of these driven, highly ambitious business owner types can often fall into a couple categories.
> 
> Some come home at the end of the day and don’t want to make one more decision or tell one more person what to do and they get home and basically sit the or they wait to be told what to do.
> 
> ...


Yes building a positive loving relationship with my wife is exactly what I want, just not sure it's possible. We've always had this cycle of escalation that happens when we argue and I never knew why until I started seeing a counselor and taking detailed notes. We would end up arguing and the argument would end with me calling her names and yelling. Then she'd blame it all on me and I'd become "the bad guy". I've been in a lot of relationships in my life and have never done that with anyone. I don't yell at my friends or family or call names. It's just not the person I am. After taking notes what I realized is that I'm responding to some pretty ****ty abuse from her side. She says things like I don't care about my boys in front of them, I don't provide for the family financially, I don't care about her, etc. Here's a good example... Her mom convinced her that drinking cold drinks is bad for you so if I give my son a drink of an all organic smoothie I made she gets made, shames, and says I don't care about him. If she overdrafts her bank account 50 times and I complain about it she says I don't provide financially. She has access to the bank account, she's supposed to be setting a budget for us and helping with saving money, but instead she isn't responsible and just does what she wants, then I get upset about it because I have so many things I need to take care of other than micro managing her. As far as building a good marriage I've always been the one who pushed for counseling, pushing for mutual communication, feels that we both have issues that we need to improve. She only wants me to go to counseling, only wants me to get help, and blames every argument on me. She will deflect and deny any wrongdoing ever. Her and my boys came home from the park the other day and the first thing that came out of my 5 year old mouth was "daddy, mommy says you're not important". 

A little about me:
I own a tech company and work relentlessly with a million different tasks. I literally have no room for anything else on my plate right now, especially not cooking. 

When I get off work around 4pm I'm ready to do stuff with the family. My wife wants to either walk or go shopping, that's about all she does. I've invited her to go fishing, look for wildflowers that my 5 year old and I dry and make pendants, play board games with us, watch movies with us, go metal detecting and she never finds time. I'm pushing for us to do different things together as a famliy with 2 boys and she just isn't interested.
I don't go to strip clubs or the bar. I don't sit around watching sports on my ass all evening. I literally spend my entire evening taking my kids bike riding, motorcycle riding, fishing, playing board games, teaching reading, teaching chess, math, doing a science experiment, crafts... I've asked my wife for years to get a bike and go riding and she refused. Just recently she said she might be interested. Yesterday my 5 year old and I connected a bike tailor to a 50cc motorcycle and rode it around our master built community picking up trash that had blown into the lakes from construction work. Just in case you want to label me as this "business owner" asshole that never gets time for the family that's just complete ********. 

I'm an affectionate person and say I love you and hug, kiss, and show love for my partner many times a day. It is never returned. I can't remember the last time she came just to say she loves me. 

I'm always asking to watch a movie or spend time together, again rejected 99% of the time. We never spend one on one time together. She doesn't trust a babysitter and we have no family close to us. We haven't been on a date in years. When we do watch a movie it has to be hallmark or a romcom. I'm OK with those sometimes but it would be nice if both of us got to watch something we like. I'd love to enjoy some stranger things, You, Dexter, Only murders in the building, or any other popular shows. She just won't do it...

I used to give her back rubs almost every night. The the occasional night I was too tired or didn't feel like it she would respond with why not, you don't love me or shame me for it. She would get pissed if I didn't want to. Now I say **** that, no more back rubs. 

I used to buy her flowers at least a few times a month. When I mentioned that in an argument she said ya but it's not the flowers that I like. I'm like it's a beautiful variety usually from what the store has and I try to make sure that they are fresh and not wilted... Now I just simply don't buy her flowers anymore. 

She hold a deep resentment toward me because she says really abusive things and then I react by yelling and calling her names when the argument escalates. She also calls me names, yells, and does the same to me. The only difference is that I understand that we are both doing it, both need to work on it, and we both need to love each other despite the arguments. It's how we treat each other between the arguments that is important. She blames everything on me and expects me to fix everything. She won't love me until I'm perfect even though she is just as nasty or worse than I am. That's pretty much where we're at. 




gaius said:


> It seems like a lot of men don't understand that just working and paying the bills isn't enough. You're stressed out, fine, I get it, but you also have to take care of business at home if you want to maintain your wife's respect. And when you keep her respect then you can get her to do things like cook for you. If that's what you find important.
> 
> Taking care of business at home, first and foremost means evading her defenses and getting into her pants on at least a semi regular basis. If you despise this woman and are making no effort whatsoever to romance her then no wonder she throws whatever you have to say out like yesterday's garbage.


Take care of business at home, that would be great if she didn't oppose every single thing that would make our life better. I'd love for us to have a budget but she opposes it and just wants to spend whatever she wants. I suggested we teach our kids to pick up after themselves to help keep the house clutter free, she disagreed. I suggested that we put up storage shelves and cabinets in the play room to store all the crafts and keep them organized. Nope, she didn't want anything in the room so now it is just scattered all over the floor. Getting a house in order and keeping it that way is a very basic problem compared to what I deal with owning a tech company. She just doesn't want to solve anything. I think she thrives on the chaos or enjoys the self sabotage. As far as the marriage part and being romantic, taking care of her emotional needs... I used to do that but then it just got to the point to where no matter what I did she would always try to find a reason to "hate" me. She doesn't appreciate anything in life. Probably a result of her being spoiled by her parents. If she's going to hate me anyway it's much easier to not do all the things to try to romance her. 




gaius said:


> It's actually a lot more dog like and weak to provide for a woman you have no sexual interest in. You're supposed to provide as part of a sexual, intimate relationship. Otherwise you're just the chump who goes to the strip club and spends his paycheck for a whole lot of nothing. And no, nobody respects you for that. No matter how well you do it.
> 
> And if you have a problem with that, I wasn't the one who programmed women to have no respect for men who behave like that. You'll have to take it up with god or whoever was responsible.


I don't go to the strip club and I don't provide for a woman I have no sexual interest in. I have a very high sex drive and would love to be intimate with my wife several times a week. It's always rejected and she's the one who doesn't want to be affectionate with each other. Honestly it's a miracle I've stayed faithful this long. There's only so much rejection a man can take before he starts looking elsewhere for human connection.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

rustynails said:


> Yes building a positive loving relationship with my wife is exactly what I want, just not sure it's possible. We've always had this cycle of escalation that happens when we argue and I never knew why until I started seeing a counselor and taking detailed notes. We would end up arguing and the argument would end with me calling her names and yelling. Then she'd blame it all on me and I'd become "the bad guy". I've been in a lot of relationships in my life and have never done that with anyone. I don't yell at my friends or family or call names. It's just not the person I am. After taking notes what I realized is that I'm responding to some pretty ****ty abuse from her side. She says things like I don't care about my boys in front of them, I don't provide for the family financially, I don't care about her, etc. Here's a good example... Her mom convinced her that drinking cold drinks is bad for you so if I give my son a drink of an all organic smoothie I made she gets made, shames, and says I don't care about him. If she overdrafts her bank account 50 times and I complain about it she says I don't provide financially. She has access to the bank account, she's supposed to be setting a budget for us and helping with saving money, but instead she isn't responsible and just does what she wants, then I get upset about it because I have so many things I need to take care of other than micro managing her. As far as building a good marriage I've always been the one who pushed for counseling, pushing for mutual communication, feels that we both have issues that we need to improve. She only wants me to go to counseling, only wants me to get help, and blames every argument on me. She will deflect and deny any wrongdoing ever. Her and my boys came home from the park the other day and the first thing that came out of my 5 year old mouth was "daddy, mommy says you're not important".
> 
> A little about me:
> I own a tech company and work relentlessly with a million different tasks. I literally have no room for anything else on my plate right now, especially not cooking.
> ...


Maybe I missed this from earlier.
Why are you guys together?
This looks toxic as.. well...toxic. From both of you.


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## rustynails (11 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> Couples need a loving emotional connection, so no, providing financially isn't enough. My husband is the sole financial provider. We both have our jobs. His main job is to bring home money. My main job is to care for home and family. I expect very little from my husband regarding chores. Both of us require effort to be put into emotional connection.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


I totally agree. My main job is provide financially and her main job should be care for home and family. She doesn't care for the home. She disrespects everything and clutters our beautiful home. She'll lets the baby spill juice and then she just leaves it there or doesn't take the time to use stain remover on it to get it out. Now our custom built home that's a year old has stains all over the carpet. I mean it's understandable with kids but if I spill something I immediately take action to get it out. Some dawn water with dish soap, alcohol, and shop vac have worked on every single stain if you do it quickly. She just doesn't bother. She buys extra stuff and shoves it into every cabinet or closet. She has them all filled with her stuff. It would be great to spend time together as a couple, cuddle and watch shows, say nice things to each other, say thank you and appreciate what the other person does. I want all of those things but it is just met with rejection. She wants to wake up, do what she wants all day, put the kids to sleep, watch youtube in the evening while she does her 2 hour nighttime beauty routine and she wonders why we have no connection. I am constantly trying to do "loving" things like kiss, hug, say nice things, and she never reciprocates. Basically there is the stay at home mom part and the wife part. She isn't fulfilling even the basic requirements of either role.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

rustynails said:


> I totally agree. My main job is provide financially and her main job should be care for home and family. She doesn't care for the home. She disrespects everything and clutters our beautiful home. She'll lets the baby spill juice and then she just leaves it there or doesn't take the time to use stain remover on it to get it out. Now our custom built home that's a year old has stains all over the carpet. I mean it's understandable with kids but if I spill something I immediately take action to get it out. Some dawn water with dish soap, alcohol, and shop vac have worked on every single stain if you do it quickly. She just doesn't bother. She buys extra stuff and shoves it into every cabinet or closet. She has them all filled with her stuff. It would be great to spend time together as a couple, cuddle and watch shows, say nice things to each other, say thank you and appreciate what the other person does. I want all of those things but it is just met with rejection. She wants to wake up, do what she wants all day, put the kids to sleep, watch youtube in the evening while she does her 2 hour nighttime beauty routine and she wonders why we have no connection. I am constantly trying to do "loving" things like kiss, hug, say nice things, and she never reciprocates. Basically there is the stay at home mom part and the wife part. She isn't fulfilling even the basic requirements of either role.


She sounds like a peach. Not.

So are you going to stay in this relationship?

Nothing will change her core personality. I think this is how it is and it's only going to get worse as the years go on (and you will lose more assets and pay more spousal support the longer you stay, as well).


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

rustynails said:


> My wife and I have been together for 15 years and I feel like my wife has slowly wiggled her way into a position where she basically uses me for money and responsibilities. I'm wondering what husband and wife responsibilities are for a typical healthy marriage couple. We have 2 boys (2 and 5) and she is a stay at home mom. Here are our responsibilities:
> 
> Mine (husband):
> Work and bring in 100% of income
> ...


She has 2 small children. Im not sure where cooking meals that you eat is part of her job. Half of your duties are automatic.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

rustynails said:


> She wants to wake up, do what she wants all day, put the kids to sleep, watch youtube in the evening while she does her 2 hour nighttime beauty routine and she wonders why we have no connection. I am constantly trying to do "loving" things like kiss, hug, say nice things, and she never reciprocates. Basically there is the stay at home mom part and the wife part. She isn't fulfilling even the basic requirements of either role.


Yikes! It seems she is very entitled, and you have allowed her to feel entitled for years!

You need to stop funding her coffee and shopping sprees. I understand what it is to be a foreigner in the U.S., a wife, and a SAHM. 

I don't treat my husband like your wife treats you. I don't spend money on stupid stuff. I work part time to help our family's finances. I do a lot of housekeeping and organizing. 

I understand the cultural differences could be troublesome. I laughed when I read your wife thinks cold drinks are bad for the children because this is also believed in my home country. My mom and my sister almost had a heart attack when they saw my kids drinking cold juice 🤣 
Sometimes a cultural belief is more powerful than reason. 

I think you are treating your wife like a child and she's treating you like an annoying parent. You are not letting her become responsible or independent. She needs to do something other than being home all day. Not everyone should be a stay at home parent. If she's not helping you, then she needs to do something else. Why don't you open a bank account and give her an allowance? If she's not responsible with money, then she shouldn't have free access to it. Same with credit cards, if she's not paying the bills, she shouldn't have a credit card.

If I were you I'd cut the money, and implement the 180 and see how she reacts. I mean, it seems she has a good life but it's not good enough for her. You can show her how living without you and your money can be.

Some people are so unappreciative!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yourgirlfriday said:


> She has 2 small children. Im not sure where cooking meals that you eat is part of her job. Half of your duties are automatic.


Then she should go get a full time job.


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## Angie?or… (Nov 15, 2021)

Yourgirlfriday said:


> She has 2 small children. Im not sure where cooking meals that you eat is part of her job. Half of your duties are automatic.


Cooking meals for the family has traditionally been part of the job for a homemaker, and eating those meals together can be a precious part of family life, building a sense of togetherness and belonging and great memories.


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Then she should go get a full time job.


She has one. The kids.


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

Angie?or… said:


> Cooking meals for the family has traditionally been part of the job for a homemaker, and eating those meals together can be a precious part of family life, building a sense of togetherness and belonging and great memories.


Yes but she is not bound to cook different types of meals


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

I think you need to figure out what she sees as her role. Then you will know what logic she is working with.
Many stay at home dads dont serve dinner upon their wifes arrival. Our roles are messed up. She may think 2&5 is a full time job. And did you know how her apartment was kept before marraige.
Does she see herself as with the kids, babysitting from 7-5 as a job. Which it is. Many nannies work 8 - 10 hours a day. They only cook and clean after the kids. And are not expected to do anything else.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yourgirlfriday said:


> She has one. The kids.


Nah.

She should make sure he has dinner.


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## Yourgirlfriday (11 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Nah.
> 
> She should make sure he has dinner.


Possibly; but if she sees her job as the kids; she is doing a fulltime job.
Unfortunately many of our girls are now not raised to be homemaker. And what that entails.
The way you can figure it out is breakdown the job.
If she works 40-50 hours a week. Then they are equal.

I would do a lot for my husband; but if I am on a diet. I wont be cooking him ribeye.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Carpet. That's what I take away from this discussion.

On the outside it seems that she is not keeping up her share. But then I read carpet.
Why would either of you choose carpet in your brand new home knowing you have 2 small children? Are you kidding me? Let me guess it is also white or some other l light color? Which is impossible to maintain and means you are constantly spot treating it because you have two small children.

My point being that you both have to be realistic. Whoever chose carpet for areas that a small child will be in other than their bedroom which they shouldn't have juice in the bedroom, wasn't being realistic.

You say its all her and she does this and that but you admit to yelling at her.

A marriage is a living breathing thing made up of people in a fragile bond or in your case a fragile bond. I don't know if this bond has already been broken, I don't know if it can be repaired. It may never have existed in the first place. 

I think coming here and trying to find out what others do is useless. Each relationship and marriage is different and the unspoken or if you are smart spoken out loud rules are made up only of the two people in the marriage at the time. 

To me it seems your relationship is broken. Do you know how it got broken? What communication happened before she became a stay at home mom? Do you really expect her to cook food for her and the 2 small children but cook you something different? I mean it would be nice but kids that age are a handful. The shopping can be cut off pretty easy but without communication it just builds more resentment.

Do you have a plan to right your ship or just bail?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yourgirlfriday said:


> Possibly; but if she sees her job as the kids; she is doing a fulltime job.
> Unfortunately many of our girls are now not raised to be homemaker. And what that entails.
> The way you can figure it out is breakdown the job.
> If she works 40-50 hours a week. Then they are equal.
> ...


I was a SAHM for 13 years. 

She/he who stays home prepares dinner. Really.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yourgirlfriday said:


> Possibly; but if she sees her job as the kids; she is doing a fulltime job.
> Unfortunately many of our girls are now not raised to be homemaker. And what that entails.
> The way you can figure it out is breakdown the job.
> If she works 40-50 hours a week. Then they are equal.
> ...


Did you read what her days are like?

She has a totally pampered lifestyle She can cook dinner for the guy.


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