# What can I do?



## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. He and I started out with a very loving and passionate relationship. We had sex often and we were the best of friends. 

It seemed as if the trouble started around 8 years ago, which just so happens to be how old our oldest child is together (I have 2 older children by a previous). I was going to college full time and he was at home taking care of her or I was working at he was at home taking care of her. 

Often times, when I was going to college, he stayed up all night playing video games, and was going to bed, when I was leaving for college, when I was working, he had stayed up all night playing, while I headed off to work. This often made me a nervous wreck because our child was an infant and needed her fathers care, so I would leave, in tears, hoping that she would get the care that she needed. This also set up a lot of resentment in me, not because I was working and supporting us, but because I was worried that he would neglect our daughter. 

I attempted to talk to him about this several times and he would say that I was attempting to control him. 

My husband kept staying up late and going to bed when I was leaving for about 6 months, until he got his paperwork so that he could work in the USA. He then got a job, and now I am the stay at home mom to our two children. He still stays up all night, and has even gone to bed, when I am getting up in the morning. So I am with the kids 24/7. We lived about an hour away from his job and he promised that he would stop if we moved closer, but he didn't. Instead, it just gave him more time to play because he could get up later to leave for work. 

He has told me that he is addicted to video games, that he is depressed, and I have told him to go get counseling for it. He did once, and the one time that I attended with him and told the counselor how I felt angry, he stopped going that day. 



What would you do in this situation? 

What I did 8 years ago was explain to my husband that we needed to find things that we liked to do together and if we proceeded like it was, I would end up getting used to it and find my own things to do. I even tried to play video games with him so we would have time together, but it always seemed to be about him, and not about US, playing together. I also told him that I needed him to take care of our child properly and that in order to do that, he needed to get proper sleep. Again, he said that was me trying to control him. 

Sometimes, I feel that he uses the word control against me, to control me. When he says that, I immediately shut down because I do not want to control him, but I do want him to be in the marriage, like I am. Is that controlling?

Sorry this is so long, but this is just one of the problems that we are facing now and it seems that he is oblivious to the feelings this would cause in me. How would you feel?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

No you are not being controlling. You want a real relationship, nothing wrong with that.

The only way for him to end his addiction to video games is for him to stop playing them. His game playing is a form of escapism.

You need to have strong boundaries about this. Since he will not go to counseling, then you can only handle this by setting your own boundaries.

Tell him that you are not trying to control him, but instead are setting the boundaries for things are not willing to live with. You are not willing to live with a man who has checked out of the marriage and family by playing games like a 15 year old.

You need a husband that goes to bed with you, who helps with the children, who takes you places, etc. So you will no longer tolerate this behavior in your life. He can choose between you and the video games. So what he does is his choice.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

First of all.. I wouldn't let that sort of behavior go on for that long... from my significant other. My hubby is a bit of a video game addict as well but he knows as a father it is his responsibility to help tend to the kids. They are after all.. far more important then a mere game that can be paused and played at a later time. If I were in your shoes I would have felt hurt, angry, and fed up. Alot of people here seem to be .... very tolerant, submissive, ect ect to such behavior... I'm not that way... I would have kicked his rear end to the curb long ago.... I don't give chances to someone who refuses to shape up and take their fair share of responsibility in whatever it is needing to be done. Of course I have heard of video games ruining marriages far to often... and frankly.... I think it's completely idiotic.... I hope you can find a way to work things out... but don't let yourself be a doormat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gaia said:


> First of all.. I wouldn't let that sort of behavior go on for that long... from my significant other. My hubby is a bit of a video game addict as well but he knows as a father it is his responsibility to help tend to the kids. They are after all.. far more important then a mere game that can be paused and played at a later time. If I were in your shoes I would have felt hurt, angry, and fed up. Alot of people here seem to be .... very tolerant, submissive, ect ect to such behavior... I'm not that way... I would have kicked his rear end to the curb long ago.... I don't give chances to someone who refuses to shape up and take their fair share of responsibility in whatever it is needing to be done. Of course I have heard of video games ruining marriages far to often... and frankly.... I think it's completely idiotic.... I hope you can find a way to work things out... but don't let yourself be a doormat.


It is idiotic that some spouses, mostly men, get so into playing video games that they check out of their marriage. People who do this are losers.

I have yet to see anyone here who is accepting of this type of behavior.

The spouse of a person who is majorly addicted to video games is in tough spot. If their game addicted spouse will not give up the games... then they have to first try to put their foot down and if that does not work they have to be the ones to end the marriage via divorce. It's a very tough posission they are put into by their gaming spouse.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

As EleGirl said, this is classic escapism.

He doesn't have to deal with reality while he's in his fantasy world.

Whether it's a very bad habit, or an addiction, he doesn't have the ability to break this on his own.

As long as it is gaming and it doesn't involve someone else (i.e., an emotional affair with someone via the online game) perhaps it is best if he attends IC (individual counseling) with someone specifically trained in this type of addiction. The IC would treat his depression.

I wouldn't approach this from a point of anger. You've tried that and it's failed miserably. It's not about how you feel about his serious problem. Your feelings are totally legitimate and I'd feel the same way. But it isn't about you when he engages in this behavior; he has pushed you far our of his mind.

Like other addicts, he is going to have to hit rock-bottom before he changes. You are the one, unfortunately, who is being forced to make some hard choices about what the consequences are going to be to get him to that point.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

By here I mean where I live.... For some reason people I've come across have this issue... with hubbys or wives being more into something like world of war craft... then the next thing you know... they divorce and said game addict is off with someone else they met via game.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No you are not being controlling. You want a real relationship, nothing wrong with that.
> 
> The only way for him to end his addiction to video games is for him to stop playing them. His game playing is a form of escapism.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for your reply. 

I have said this, I have tried to work a schedule out for him also, where he could play 3 times a week and the other days he would go to bed early. He says, "if you do not like me, then go find someone else". 

It seems to me, that is what he wants. But then, he turns around and tells me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. Is his the face of addiction?

For the last 5 days, I feel like I am being used as a yo-yo. I have come out and told him that he is boring but yet, I do not want drama. I just want a regular life. 

For the first 5 years of those 8 years, I set behind him, watching him play those video games and now that I have moved on and found my own hobbies, it seems like he wants me again and wants my attention. 

Looking back, it seems like the only time he wanted me, was when he wanted to have sex, but yet, he didn't want to have to get me to the place where I could have sex, by giving me romance, but he wanted me to want sex the same way/time/as much as he did. I explained to him that for me, sex without an emotional connection, made me feel like a ****. 

I am to the point where I do not know what a real relationship is, but if I told him that, he would use it to say that I should find someone who pleases me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Iheartlife has a very good point.. "As long as it is gaming and it doesn't involve someone else (i.e., an emotional affair with someone via the online game)"

Is he playing on the internet with others? Many people get involved in affairs online and hide it by saying that they are playing a game. What does he use to play his games? Computer? XBOX? Etc?

My ex plays on his computer. I found out that while I thought he was only playing games, he was also logging into sex sites and having cyber relationships.

I have read on this forum of a lot of people who meet someone in a game and have an online affair with that person. 

Do you really know what is going on?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Gaia said:


> By here I mean where I live.... For some reason people I've come across have this issue... with hubbys or wives being more into something like world of war craft... then the next thing you know... they divorce and said game addict is off with someone else they met via game.


Ah! I get it now. You are right. A lot of people have the feeling that on-line is safe. It's not.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Gaia said:


> By here I mean where I live.... For some reason people I've come across have this issue... with hubbys or wives being more into something like world of war craft... then the next thing you know... they divorce and said game addict is off with someone else they met via game.


I've even seen this happen with word games people are playing on their phones. They start sending private messages via the game and then they're off to the races. I find this behavior nothing short of bizarre, but it does set off the alarm bells when I hear about game addictions.

anony2, I hope we're not making you paranoid. Those of us who have had their spouses cheat on them (in my own life, we are happily reconciling) are often accused of it. But the truth is, it can and does happen. It would also add a layer to the fantasy world that would make it almost impossible to stop without a jolt that yanked him out.

But gaming is plenty escapist and addictive all by itself without adding that to the mix.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

You, my dear, have married an adult baby. I suggest you get him some Depends undergarments and some baby food. When a man becomes a father, it is his duty to care for the child. Playing computer games is NOT in the HOW TO BE A GOOD FATHER handbook. 

He is using the controlling thing to get you to back off. He wants to make you feel bad so you will just go away and leave him alone. No woman should have to leave the house in tears afraid that her child will be neglected by the father's child. 

This is a very old school attitude. My father, and many other fathers from waaaay back when, never changed a diaper, never bathed their children, and it was the wife's duty to do everything and still come to bed all sexy so hubby could play no matter how tired she was. 

This is selfish thinking and it needs to stop now. Problem is, he doesn't seem to care about your feelings, so if you ***** at him, he is only going to hear white noise and continue his childish behavior. 

You are being taken for granted because this "father of the year" knows he can get away with it. He could use the excuse, "I am afraid to hold a baby, they make me nervous I might break them or something." BULLS!T EXCUSE!!! I think I would lose respect and love for a man who does not even try to bond with his child. 

Lots of dads say that they will get involved once the kid learns to walk and he can teach him to play baseball. This infuriates me and it will infuriate you as well. When that time comes and your husband starts to get involved once the feedings and changings are over, YOUR resentment towards him will be unable to hide or bear. 

I am not going to give you any advice like "leave him" etc. You are going to do what you think is best. Just make sure that child is protected and loved if only from one parent. 

This is part of the reason I did not have children. The main reason though, is I am lazy as hell and raising a child did not appeal to me. 

I am so sorry you are going through this because it is a form of betrayal. You find someone you love, marry them, and have a family. You never would think your loving husband would turn into a 13 year old gamer when you need him most.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> You, my dear, have married an adult baby. I suggest you get him some Depends undergarments and some baby food. When a man becomes a father, it is his duty to care for the child.


:iagree:

'if you don't like me find someone else' - SERIOUSLY??? What a f*cking child


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

While thinking about this, I have discovered that this seems to be a pattern. My father was emotionally unavailable to me growing up, then my first husband was, now it seems that video games is what is causing my 2nd husband to be emotionally unavailable to me. 

Why would this be a factor or a pattern that I keep coming across? Why would I choose a man that is emotionally unavailable to me?


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> You, my dear, have married an adult baby. I suggest you get him some Depends undergarments and some baby food. When a man becomes a father, it is his duty to care for the child. Playing computer games is NOT in the HOW TO BE A GOOD FATHER handbook.
> 
> He is using the controlling thing to get you to back off. He wants to make you feel bad so you will just go away and leave him alone. No woman should have to leave the house in tears afraid that her child will be neglected by the father's child.
> 
> ...


When she was born, he was the happiest I have ever seen in my life, but he said that I tried to tell him what to do with her and not let him learn on his own. I had 2 children before the birth of our daughter, so I knew how to take care of her, but this was his first. Could this be why he withdrew?

I do love him with all of my heart because even through this last 5 days, it seems like he is trying his hardest to do better, but yet, it is like he keeps trying to talk me into going to find someone else. 

Something that I said must have given him a wake up call that he needed OR, he is just bored because his computer is running too slow and is acting up, only time will tell.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> I am to the point where I do not know what a real relationship is, but if I told him that, he would use it to say that I should find someone who pleases me.


You need to not let him get away with saying these sorts of mean things. From what you say you let the words hurt you. Don't you see how rediculous it is for a grown man with children to tell his wife that if she does not agree with him playing games all the time that she should find someone she likes? Of course you know this is ridiculous.

Don't let his comments get to you. It's is way of deflecting to get you off his back. When he says something like that just tell him that you want a responsible husband who wants an adult relationship and family. He’s welcome to stop playing games and join you or you will divorce him so you can find a man who cares.
You need to stop buying into his crap.

Why not take his game system and just remove it from the house. Go store it at a friend’s house. Or take a baseball bat to it. And then tell him that you will no longer allow video games to be played in YOUR home. If he wants to spend his life playing games he can go do it somewhere else.

He has to know that you are willing to end the marriage over this. If you are not willing to end the marriage over this then stop complaining and enjoy living as you are. Those are you two choices really.

The only way he is going to take you seriously is if you take yourself seriously.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Another thing to do is find a support group for gaming addicts. I am sure they exist.

The reason I suggest this, is you are telling us the (no offense) highly ludicrous idea that ANYTHING you did is the cause of this.

He's already told you at least one reason why he does this. I'd take that particular one as true. He is suffering from depression. Gaming is his medication that releases him from that temporarily.

As I said in my previous post, this is all about him. This is about a universe of him. You are not even a chunk of rock at the outer fringes of the universe of him. So please don't make it about you.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> You need to not let him get away with saying these sorts of mean things. From what you say you let the words hurt you. Don't you see how rediculous it is for a grown man with children to tell his wife that if she does not agree with him playing games all the time that she should find someone she likes? Of course you know this is ridiculous.
> 
> Don't let his comments get to you. It's is way of deflecting to get you off his back. When he says something like that just tell him that you want a responsible husband who wants an adult relationship and family. He’s welcome to stop playing games and join you or you will divorce him so you can find a man who cares.
> You need to stop buying into his crap.
> ...


You are so correct, he keeps telling me he wants me to be more assertive, but to me, that means that he wants me to parent him, which is what he said made him withdraw in the first place. 

If this is not the catch 22 from hell, I have never seen one.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

anony2 said:


> While thinking about this, I have discovered that this seems to be a pattern. My father was emotionally unavailable to me growing up, then my first husband was, now it seems that video games is what is causing my 2nd husband to be emotionally unavailable to me.
> 
> Why would this be a factor or a pattern that I keep coming across? Why would I choose a man that is emotionally unavailable to me?


Because you are used to relating to what is comfortable. This type of relationship dynamic is hurtful, but you are used to the role you play.

I have a lot of respect for you for realizing the issue. It sounds trite, but we often marry our fathers or mothers. Why? Because one or both parents treated us poorly. We want to set things straight. You have married two men who are emotionally unavailable - just like your dad. You want to rewrite history. After doing it twice (or more), it is known as "repetition compulsion."

Can you get into IC? You realize the pattern is there. Now you need to learn how to set boundaries, weed out what is unacceptable, and decide if it is worth X-number more years to stick it out in this marriage. It may be, but only you can decide that.

I did this. I married two alcoholics. Gee, lemme see .... who was the addict in my family? Mom and Dad. I first got the head knowledge, but then it had to move down into my gut-level. Eventually, it did. I am free of both husbands today. One died from alcohol-related illness, the other is just plain nuts. I no longer have addicts in my life. Of any kind. And I'm very happy to have it that way.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Because you are used to relating to what is comfortable. This type of relationship dynamic is hurtful, but you are used to the role you play.
> 
> I have a lot of respect for you for realizing the issue. It sounds trite, but we often marry our fathers or mothers. Why? Because one or both parents treated us poorly. We want to set things straight. You have married two men who are emotionally unavailable - just like your dad. You want to rewrite history. After doing it twice (or more), it is known as "repetition compulsion."
> 
> ...


I have been in IC for a while, although I have not been there since the holidays, I do plan to continue going again soon. My therapist only works on Mondays and I have to make an appointment a month ahead of time, and then sometimes, they call and cancel, or I have to change dates due to other commitments. 

I don't want to break up with my husband, he is a good man, but he is just emotionally unavailable and I think I am as well at times, which was why I went to counseling to begin with, I had shut down to the world due to stress, stuffing down my emotions, and dealing with being molested as a child and an abusive first marriage. My stress was so severe, I have lost all of my girly parts due to a hysterectomy, and I found out I have tumors on my adrenal glands. In the past, there were two gears to me, and they were fight or flight. I have really worked through this, although at times, I feel this massive surge of nervous energy when things are escalating into a fight, and I feel like my body is going to burst open. 

We have really started a good dialog that we have needed for a long time, and it seems to be going well at the moment, he seems to understand that I need more, I want more, and I crave more of him just as he does me. It is almost as if, we are both afraid of being loved, and loving. 

When I look at his life, I can see where this comes from. His father was not emotionally available to him from what his mother said and I wonder if his mother shut down after his parents broke up. 

I do not think that he realizes the stress that this causes me and in the past, it doesn't seem like he has cared too much, if I bring it up, he immediately shuts me down. 

You are all right, I do need to set up boundaries. This was something that I was working on with my counselor. I am going to make an appointment immediately and see if I can get some help with this. 

Thank you all!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

anony2 said:


> You are so correct, he keeps telling me he wants me to be more assertive, but to me, that means that he wants me to parent him, which is what he said made him withdraw in the first place.
> 
> If this is not the catch 22 from hell, I have never seen one.


 No there is no catch 22. Assertive does not mean parenting him. Assertive means taking care of YOURSELF. You apparently do not know the difference.

Do not parent him. Instead be assertive and set the boundaries that you need in order to have the life you want and need.


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## anony2 (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> No there is no catch 22. Assertive does not mean parenting him. Assertive means taking care of YOURSELF. You apparently do not know the difference.
> 
> Do not parent him. Instead be assertive and set the boundaries that you need in order to have the life you want and need.


There was a reason why I said this because that is exactly what he wanted me to do after I gave him my boundaries. He wanted me to tell him what to do. I am not going to parent him or be his boss, I am not a dictator, and I should not have to run the household by my self. I dont want to have to tell him to get milk or feed the kids. We figured it out though, so all is well.


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