# my hubby and my friend on msn....



## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Hi i'm new but need somewhere to vent and talk. I can't believe he did it my husband and my friend has sex txt on msn on the webcam while I was asleep upstairs in our bed. I am so hurt and betrayed I can't believe they done it they both went on until each was fulfilled and for over an hour without even a doubt or niggle to say we shouldn't be doing this my wife/friend is upstairs. I don't think he realises how much he has hurt me and I spend my time feeling so hurt sad angry and completely unbelieving that it happened. I have to carry on everyday because we have three children and I do love him its not something we just turn off but I don't know if I can ever trust him again or forget about it/ He says it was just words but there were actions too and on the cam altough he tries to say the cam wouldn't work?? I don't know what to do I don't even know what I'm really asking here sorry if I'm wasting everyones time, it just hurts so much and I don't really want to talk to my family and hurt them with my hurt so I had to vent.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

there's more to this...be there and wait for the other shoe to drop...wierd...


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I'm sorry to hear this. You are right in that he probably has no idea how hurt you are...to him since they weren't physically together he may not realize the gravity of the feelings of hurt and betrayal you are having. How did you find out? The biggest problem I see for you going forward is his 'it was just words' attitude...maybe a calm talk telling him how this has made you feel, as his wife and hopefully he will have enough compassion to understand that it goes way beyond words...it's the foundation of trust in your marriage and that he is totally committed to you and puts your vows and feelings above a cheap thrill for him. I hope for your sake he comes to his senses and realizes the hurt he's caused. Until he does that, it will be difficult for you to have peace of mind that he won't do it again. If he shows true remorse the way you are feeling will get better over time...I hope he steps up so you can heal your heart.

I also hope this friend is off your friend list...no good friend would mess with your marriage...she is selfish, plain and simple.

And you are definitely not wasting anyone's time here. Many of us have been hurt and have experienced the same feelings as you are so know that you are not alone and this can be a great resource to help you through this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Just because he didn't have a physical affair doesn't mean that the emotional affair doesn't matter. In fact have him look up emotional affairs on the internet.

draconis


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

swedish said:


> And you are definitely not wasting anyone's time here. Many of us have been hurt and have experienced the same feelings as you are so know that you are not alone and this can be a great resource to help you through this.


:iagree:


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Thank you every1 for your replies, swedish I found out because someone had been hacking into our accounts and I had managed to find a way to record things on our laptop. By doing this though it meant I got to read every sordid detail of what they said to one another including things we would have said together. For that reason I can't get it out of my head and I replay it over and over which I know is not good but I don't know how to stop or see when it will get easier? It seems like forever now but it has not even been a fortnight. There are so many htoughts going on in my head and I don't know how to unravel them or how to try and rest from them nothing seems to stop me thinking about it, but how can I start to move forward or try to repair my marriage if I can't forget about it?

Thanks to draconis I idn't know there was a site for emotional affairs it may help to make him realise I'm not being over sensitive?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Overly sensitive? He let the excitement of a cheap thrill take over his marriage vow to love, honor and cherish YOU. Of course you are hurt. For him to brush it off with the 'it's no big deal get over it' attitude he is only reinforcing that he isn't taking YOUR feelings into account. If he could truly see this from your perspective, he would be helping you to heal...empathy and remorse does wonders in speeding that up.

As humans we all make mistakes and we also have a great capacity for forgiveness but there needs to be some accountability for his actions...'it was just words' doesn't cut it.

(if he were posting this and not you I think I would have typed this in ALL CAPS!!)


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Today my two sisters found out about what my hubby done and they were there for me and supportive and stuff but obviously they wanted to know why I had not told them sooner and gone through it on my own. I couldn't answer is it because i'm ashamed that it is my marriage that has a problem or is that I don't want people to think bad of him? Is that silly to say the latter after what he done to me?
Some things they said though got me thinking again one sister said he can't just say he got carried away because he had to put thought into his answers and questions/remarks and he had to pay attention to what she was saying to him so he was answering properly, this has made me feel bad about it all over again but it is such a true statement, i'm not condoning or wishing for a minute, but if he had picked up a girl and had a quickie it would have been just that with not so much thought going into answers and also not the timescale he had the conversation with my friend.
I'm worried now about how my sisters will act with him and what if I decide to work it out with my hubby how will things be then? Has anyone else been through this part of it before and how did you deal with it? Should I ask my sisters not to say anything to him but just to be there for me or do they need to vent a bit at him or my friend for what they have done to their sister? 
Oh its so confusing and hard to please everyone and I don't know why but why do I not want people to look at my hubby in a bad light does this make me strange? Thanks for reading i'm sorry if its quite gobbledy **** and doesn't make a lot of sense


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

This is one of the reasons you kept this from your family until now. It left you with more options open and more choices. Now your sisters can put a rift in your marriage if you want to fix things. Not only does your husband have to fix things with you but, he has to deal with a double standard from your sisters, and that is if they don't tell other people.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

When my husband had an emotional affair a year ago, I did confide in my sister. In hindsight, I did have some regrets because my husband and I decided to work things out and I worried she would think of him in a bad light. I should have given her the benefit of doubt, however, because she treats him the same as always and in the end only wants my happiness so all is good there. I did tell my husband I talked to her and (I was suicidal at the time) he was very understanding and glad that I did for me (although he did feel awkward seeing her initially).

One reason it helps to keep family out of marital matters is that your family will usually back you 100% and are only hearing one side of things and are biased. They also want your happiness and may encourage you to get out when it doesn't need to get to that. They are not there for the intimate conversations and if your husband does show remorse and you do see him upset with his behavior and have reason to believe he wants to work on being a better husband your family won't be there to see that part. They just know what he did and that he did it to someone they love. I did make a point to let my sister know the positive things that followed and what was going on in our marriage at that time that got him to that point (no excuse but I wanted her to know where I was coming from & that I thought things through)

I would definitely ask your sisters not to say anything to him about it. It will not help your marriage to do so. It meant a lot to me that my husband was more concerned with my well-being than with feeling embarrassed that she knew but if you have concerns that your husband would worry more about what the affect of telling them has on him, I don't know that I would let him know. You will know if/when the time is right.

I don't really understand what your sister was saying. My husband said a smiliar thing to 'I got carried away'...'once it started it was like a freight train...I knew it was wrong but couldn't stop it' Yep, it hurts but again the excitement of a cheap thrill takes over and it seems boundaries go out the window. Because of this, my husband has tightened his own boundaries when it comes to friendships at work with women so he won't put himself in this situation again.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

When my sister in law had an issue with her husband she let the world know. My b-i-l wanted to hurt her husband even after they stayed together. He has hated him ever since and treats him badly. Same for my m-i-l. Now they are divorcing. All those problems could never be solved and he never again felt comfortable around the "family".

draconis


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

I know my hubby is okay with me telling my sisters he in fact wanted to tell them at the beginning so they could give me the support I needed so i have no worries on how he will take it. He has been honest with the fact that he may have to take some reprisals from them and had said all along that he would deal with it if I felt the need to tell them. And you are righ it does mean a lot that he is more concerned with me getting through it rather than what he may have to deal with.

I think that is a good point about asking my sisters not to say anything but also, to a point, let them know what is going on positively between us.

I do worry about him having to deal with not only me but family aswell now draconis but I will have to hope that by all wanting the best for me and my 3 children that it can be worked out all round.

My hubby did say that he would change how he was with other females and how he thinks and I have to admit I am sceptical on that point, can people really change, but reading your point about your husband changing his boundaries it is not so much about leopards changing their spots but about reassigning certain points in their own life so perhaps, positively thinking, it will work for my husband as it has for yours swedish?


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Is it normal to start comparing yourself to the other person? I was at my sisters birthday ann summers party on saturday night and found myself being talked into dressing up as the french maid, fine at the time I thought. 

However the last photo I have of my friend who was invloved with the sex talk with my hubby is of her dressed as the french maid at my own ann summers party a while back.
What I have found myself doing now is comparing the photo of me in the outfit to her in the outfit trying to see who looks better, who carries it off well, is it me or her, me or her???

I have sane moments when I know this is destructive for my already low self esteem (as a result of the emotional affair was not low before the EA) but at the same time I can't help myself. I look at them differently each time trying to find something I have missed or to find reason to explain why he wanted to do what he done with her.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Yes it is a by product to want to compare and hope you come out ahead. There are no other soothing words I can give you other than to say that confidence is the greatest beauty. Look into your own soul and smile.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

lostcherub said:


> My hubby did say that he would change how he was with other females and how he thinks and I have to admit I am sceptical on that point, can people really change, but reading your point about your husband changing his boundaries it is not so much about leopards changing their spots but about reassigning certain points in their own life so perhaps, positively thinking, it will work for my husband as it has for yours swedish?


Everything your husband is saying and doing is so reassuring to hear. I'm glad he sees your hurt and is commited to making some changes. For us, my husband was sort of at a loss at that point...I think the shock of what he did and me finding out made it difficult for him to even understand how it happened and what to do next. I ended up being the one to initiate the conversation regarding boundaries...in a nutshell if he was saying/doing anything that he didn't feel comfortable with doing if I were there, it was crossing a boundary. He took it a step further and will not engage in personal conversations with women at work or go to lunch with a woman alone (unless it's an outside salesperson or tech person in which case he tells me)



lostcherub said:


> Is it normal to start comparing yourself to the other person?


YES! YES! YES! totally normal.

Interesting that in nearly everything I read up on this, the physical appearance of the woman typically had little to do with it. It was some other draw...emotionally available or the sexual excitement/rush, but not looks.

A few months after my husband's EA I went to his work Christmas party...and since she would be there I made sure to look great...she actually looked 'frumpy' which was at first confusing to me but it was better than the alternative I guess 

So, even though it's normal, it most likely is the last thing you need to worry about. The only thing he probably struggled with is the thrill of it all and if he is taking steps to put boundaries in place, you are in a good place. But drac is right, feeling good and confident about yourself is a beautiful thing. It took me some time, but now I think...dang, he's lucky to have me 

okay and I him


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

,,, after my wife was caught in an emotional affair I did the same thing (comparison between him and i) and then i realized " i couldnt compare " , what they were having was fantasy and totally unrealistic for me to be able to compete with ... With her and I we have all the everyday stresses, mortgage,car payments,and all the everyday querks that drive each other crazy. I told her all this and she could see how what they had was just "fantasy" .. And after a few weeks she began to realise that this guy was not all ,what she thought he was . You and your husband need to communicate ,maybe get some counselling and if you havent already, kick this "so-called friend" out of your lives . Things get easier with everyday ... good luck


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

tarheel68 said:


> ,,, after my wife was caught in an emotional affair I did the same thing (comparison between him and i) and then i realized " i couldnt compare " , what they were having was fantasy and totally unrealistic for me to be able to compete with ... With her and I we have all the everyday stresses, mortgage,car payments,and all the everyday querks that drive each other crazy. I told her all this and she could see how what they had was just "fantasy" .. And after a few weeks she began to realise that this guy was not all ,what she thought he was . You and your husband need to communicate ,maybe get some counselling and if you havent already, kick this "so-called friend" out of your lives . Things get easier with everyday ... good luck


Great point tarheel68. This is a point I've tried to make on the forum many times and it is one of the reasons it can be so difficult for a spouse to end an EA. Glad you were able to get her to see the light. You can't compete with a fantasy.


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Thanks every1 for your thoughts it really does help to know I am not insane or going mad. Such a true point though that what happens outwith is all fantasy and cannot be compared to our everyday grinds I have never looked at it like this but it is definately worth remembering the next time I think about checking the photos or something thanks.

As for the so called friend, my sisters have said the same thing as yourself tarheel, but what I question is whether it is fair of me to accept my hubby's betrayal and try hard to work things out and stay together but to not give her the same chance?? I don't know if it is just a stage I am at and in time will realise I don't owe her anything but at the minute I don't have the extra energy to deal with her and her apologies to try to ease her own conscience I am putting everything into myself and my marriage.

Thanks guys I am glad I found this forum it really helps to discuss things with people who understand


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

lostcherub said:


> As for the so called friend, my sisters have said the same thing as yourself tarheel, but what I question is whether it is fair of me to accept my hubby's betrayal and try hard to work things out and stay together but to not give her the same chance?? I don't know if it is just a stage I am at and in time will realise I don't owe her anything but at the minute I don't have the extra energy to deal with her and her apologies to try to ease her own conscience I am putting everything into myself and my marriage.


Your husband is your husband and he has made a huge mistake in this. You have marriage vows, children and financial issues to consider. Your friend has proved to be no friend. I would carry no guilt about walking away from that relationship. Maybe her unheralded apologies and guilt will teach her a lesson.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

As far as your friend goes, I almost think that because you have decided to work things out with your husband anything that adds to your marriage needs to be your focus and anything that hinders it needs to be avoided...I don't think she's bringing anything positive to your marriage...not a very loyal friend and you don't need that worry in your life. I agree that if she approaches you to apologize it's most likely to ease her own conscious. Hopefully one day she will realize the impact of her actions and be in a position to ask for forgiveness and if that day comes she wouldn't ask you directly unless she knows in her heart it would help you, not her.


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

your friend does not deserve your forgiveness, but what you do over time should all be for your well-being . If it will make you feel better then by all means ,do what you need to do . Like said above ,for now ,work on yourself and your marriage . I personally will never forgive TOM , because i dont have to,and i feel he disrespected me and my family . Now for my wife , I have forgiven her (but will never forget ) because i was not blameless in the situation , I had neglected her emotional needs for quite awhile and that is something i have to work on. Right now ,I am working to correct my faults and my wife is doing the same .. This is not the end for us but a , new beginning and i hope that the two of you can do the same.


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

tarheel68 said:


> your friend does not deserve your forgiveness, but what you do over time should all be for your well-being .


Well after debating my thoughts and whether to, in time, think about forgiving her aswell as my husband she has shown complete disrespect and compassion for her actions and my feelings. She has been texting my husband as she would normally have done before the ea and she has the cheek to end the text with a kiss each time. 

I now have new feelings of complete rage and anger, I am not normally an angry person so I do not know how to deal with this either, and find myself calling her all sorts of names if my hubby and I are trying to discuss things or being really sarcastic. 

Last night I just felt so drained and really quite down and low emotionally now. I feel as though I am still at the start of a very long road and I don't know if I have the energy to get to the end of it especially if she sees no wrong in what she has done which is obviously the case if she has now started texting my hubby as normal again with kisses. I feel as though she is trivialising what they have done as though I am blowing it out of proportions and I am not........ am I?:scratchhead:

Should I go and confront her and speak to her, I havn't wanted to, which my sisters cannot understand, and I still don't know if I really want but how will she know that texting my hubby is annoying me if I do not confront her? Arrgh


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## tarheel68 (Sep 17, 2008)

As i stated before ive gone through the parts you are going through now ,... It is very draining and feels like an emotional rollercoaster , but be strong , if you want things to work out . Your husband needs to break off all ties with this woman if he wants to work on getting things right . And yes, you do have the right to demand this of him , you hold the cards here ,he is the one at fault ,and you get to decide how things are going to work out . As far as talking to her , thats your call, I myself wanted to (still want to ) confronthed the other guy ,but the good people on here advised against and im glad they did , all it would have done is cause me more hurt and possibly drove them closer together. The less your husband hears from her ,the more chance he will realize how bad he screwed up and start focusin g on helping your marriage heal . good luck and God bless you


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

tarheel68 said:


> Your husband needs to break off all ties with this woman if he wants to work on getting things right . And yes, you do have the right to demand this of him , you hold the cards here ,he is the one at fault ,and you get to decide how things are going to work out .


:iagree:


tarheel68 said:


> As far as talking to her , thats your call, I myself wanted to (still want to ) confronthed the other guy ,but the good people on here advised against and im glad they did , all it would have done is cause me more hurt and possibly drove them closer together.


I made the same decision for the same reason. When my husband told TOW that their 'friendship' went too far and he decided to work on our marriage and needed to end this 'friendship' her response was 'how about one last hurrah?' So it was clear to me she just did not care and any contact I would make with her would just give her reason to talk to him again so I chose not to encourage that.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

?...one last hurrah...???"

some friend


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

exactly what I said (he agreed and was annoyed by her comment)...oh, and I also said I'll give her one last hurrah...upside the head


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

I'v decided not to see or speak to my supposed friend for now although I can't stop thinking about her and not all good thoughts either. Its difficult because her kids and my kids are ages with each other and played well and now my kids are asking for their friends how do I answer?

Itz been a bad two days, I thought we were getting somewhere, hubby had a couple off days of work so we got to talk lots and I got to say a lot of things I felt I needed to get out. We seemed to be okay for those days off and we were quite close I even felt I could be intimate with him, but now I feel as bad as I did before. 
Is it normal to go back the way, I feel as if its been really quick, its not even been 4 weeks since and at times I feel like I am letting him off to easy and quickly but I know I love him and want our marriage to work so is it really to quick?
I also feel that if I decide to make a go of it I can't keep bringing it up all the time but sometimes a thought or question will pop into my head and if I bottle things up won't it be worse and possibly build into resentment?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

It is quite normal to vacillate back and forth from love to anger. Damage has been done and it will take time to heal. As far as talking about it all the time, there comes a point where you need to let things settle. As a general rule, if there is nothing new to discuss don’t rehash the problems. Let the wounds heal.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

It will get better over time, but it is a gradual process. As far as asking questions, what I found is that when I did ask a question, often times his response would trigger another question a few days later. It gets draining after a while. At some point I started to think about my questions rather than ask them...

sometimes I would determine that no matter what is answer was, it wouldn't change the fact that I want to work on our marriage, so why bother?

other times I would think about why that was an important question...some were triggered because my husband suddenly felt much like a stranger to me since his actions were totally out of character...others were triggered by my own insecurities where I was prodding to see if he really loved me & would he repeat this behavior down the road.

in these cases, sometimes instead of asking whatever question I had I would talk to him about how he is feeling about our marrige today...it gave me the reassurance that we were on the right track. Other times I could just think of things he was doing now that made me feel that I really didn't need to ask him that question...his actions now are what counts.

And if I still couldn't get it out of my head...i'd ask the question


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

oh yeah, I also stated journaling my thoghts...it helped me to clear my head.


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

swedish said:


> ...others were triggered by my own insecurities where I was prodding to see if he really loved me & would he repeat this behavior down the road.


This is exactly what I am doing and feeling, checking to see if I am still loved enough although he is telling me he loves me and will never do it again. Sometimes my mind just plays with my sanity:scratchhead:.

I will look at actions to help me through it and concentrate on our marriage today rather than sticking on stuff from the past and redragging it all up.... unless I really need to.

The journal is a great help I have been doing this for a couple of weeks now and it is like an instant relief from the floods of thoughts, you feel it leaving you as you write it down thanks.


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## lostcherub (Nov 5, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> As a general rule, if there is nothing new to discuss don’t rehash the problems.


:iagree: This is good advice and I will bear it in mind thanks, often we just go in circles with the same points which never actually gets either of us anywhere so I will remember this quote in future.


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