# After four years with my SO, still no "I love you". Is this wierd?



## treesloise (May 5, 2012)

I have been with my SO for four years and he's never said "I love you" to me. Is this unusual? About a year into our relationship, I mustered up the courage and told him that I loved him. His response to me at the time was he didn't know how to define that word and couldn't say it back to me. 

Recently, I confronted him about why, after four years of being together, he still hasn't said it and he essentially repeated what he originally said to me: saying he didn't know what love is, he couldn't define it, and that growing up, his parents were never affectionate, and that he's never once in his life even told them (or his brothers) that he loves them. It's not something he's used to saying. That was that. 

Apart from this, our relationship is essentially fine. 

other info: 
we're both in our mid-twenties, pursuing graduate degrees. This is our first adult serious relationship for both of us.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

No. Your relationship is not essentially fine. 

It essentially works. 

When you have one person who is emotionally open, capable of love and affection and willing to grow; and another who is happy working like hell to keep their lives the way it's always been, you're going to hit a wall.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is it weird? Yes.

It's one thing to be cautious about saying ILY, but not saying after four years together is beyond cautious. It tells me either he's very analytical (not in a good way)/extremely reserved or he doesn't love you. Either option isn't good. I'm sorry. 

I haven't seen my parents say ILY to each other. To think about it, I don't think I've ever seen them hug or kiss either. They're still very happily married after 40 years. They're inseparable. It's just not their thing to be open about affection or say ILY in front of the kids, but that doesn't mean I held back from saying ILY to my now husband. The point is you're not his parents or his siblings. If he can't express it to you, I'd be very, very concerned.


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## treesloise (May 5, 2012)

I secretly know this...it's just hard to accept it. At this point I've invested so much into this relationship. I have a great time with him, he's a wonderful guy in many ways, and I keep hoping one day he'll figure it out, he'll realize what "love" means to him and he'll express it. Just a fantasy, I guess. 

The funny thing is, we have talked about marriage (we both expressed it's something we desire out of relationship). We're generally happy together. But he is very emotionally distant (probably due to family issues growing up, but no matter). Anyway, I can't imagine being married and never saying I love you. Even though it's just a set of words, and I know actions matter so much more than words. 

We just never say it. We never verbally express our emotions to each other. If only he were open about it, It would make me so happy to do this one day..


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I might be jumping the gun here, but please think twice about marrying this man. I don't know if that's something you're looking forward to, but if he remains the way he is now, you're not going to be happy with someone so emotionally closed off. 

Does he hold your hand? Does he spontaneously hug or kiss you? If you're sexually active does he make it good for you? Bascially, how does he show affection and love to you?


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## treesloise (May 5, 2012)

More often than not, I'm not the one initiating intimacy. I wont' lie, I wish he did it more and we've talked about it, of course. Although, very early on in our relationship he did a his fare share of initiating hugs, kisses, sex, etc. 

Neither us have very high sex drives and we're usually very busy and too tired for it. When we do have sex, it's great, and he goes out of his way for me in that arena.

P.S 

Thank you for your sincere and thoughtful responses so far. I need honesty. I'm too embarrassed to approach my friends about this, as on the outside, we appear to have a very solid long-term relationship.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband had a very hard time saying it to me for a very long time. He grew up in a home where no one said it. Ever. He said when i told him i loved him, it made him uncomfortable. 

He said his dad always told him love was for p*ssies.  That love didn't exist. My husband can't even remember a time when his parents even hugged him 

It's been almost 5 years since we met and now he's very demonstrative of his love, but still struggles saying it. When I tell him, he says, "me too"...and I'm happy with that. 

During our separation, I stopped saying it. One night (about 1.5 months into separation) he looked at me and said "I love you" in a way I've never heard anyone say it to me. So meaningful. So real. 

I've had people say they love me, and didn't show it. Hubs shows me how much he loves me all the time...i feel loved. Hearing the words never meant much to me because the people who said it before would then turn around and verbally/emotionally abuse me. Their "I love yous" were more of a control thing...a vice to keep me with them.

Only YOU know how he feels towards you, with or without words. i have never felt so loved as I do with Hubs. The fact that his "i love yous" come few and far between mean nothing to me. It's the daily things he does that truly make me believe he loves me.

And my heart smiles every night when I snuggle into him, as he wraps his arms around me, and I say, "I love you, bebe..." and he squeezes me and says, "Me too."

But only you know your situation. He doesn't tell you he loves you, but does he show it? If not, then I'd worry. If he does show it, figure out where and why his fear of saying it exists. I know why Hubs struggles with it, and i don't blame him or hold it against him.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> I know actions matter so much more than words.


This is very true! If he SHOWS you he loves you, that is worth more than empty words. However, if you cannot envision spending the next 50 years with a man who is


> very emotionally distant


 then it is time to end the relationship. Only YOU know what you can/cannot accept in the long-term.

You also need to consider the future. IF you two are considering having children, how will they fare with a father who is "very emotionally distant"? How will they view marriage with parents who never show affection, either physically or verbally?


> I've invested so much into this relationship...four years


This is also true. But if you know in your heart that you cannot live like this long-term, then there is no point in investing 4.5 years in this relationship.

Only a fool goes into marriage expect his/her partner to change.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

treesloise said:


> We just never say it. We never verbally express our emotions to each other. If only he were open about it, It would make me so happy to do this one day..


Then start saying it. Say it not because you want him to say it back, but because you truly love him. Make him feel secure that his love isn't going to be thrown away just because of 3 words.

I don't know...it's such a personal thing. I do like to hear the words...but I relish the actions way more. Like I said before, I've been told daily by someone that he loved me...and then he treated me like garbage. So...words, to me, are very cheap.


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## treesloise (May 5, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Then start saying it. Say it not because you want him to say it back, but because you truly love him. Make him feel secure that his love isn't going to be thrown away just because of 3 words.


Good advice...except for the the fact that, although I'm just a notch more emotionally open than he is, I'm still a very scared and reserved person. Similar to him, I hardly ever tell my family members I love them and have issues displaying and being open about my emotions. Saying those words also feels very un-natural to me as well. Even in my last relationship, in whcih my ex was incredibly emotionally open and always showed affection toward me and told me he loved me at the end of every phone call and goodbye, I had trouble saying it back to him and felt very forced about it. Odd, huh? I feel like, I've always wanted a man to lead me, and help me feel secure in expressing my emotions. I just can't do it on my own.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Is this a cultural issue for both you? Perhaps you're from cultures where expressing ILY isn't the norm. 

Words of Affirmation are a big thing for me. It's one of my "Love Languages" (it comes from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman..great book!). I couldn't be with someone who didn't say ILY to me. But that's me. Other people's mileage will vary.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggest therapy for the both of you then. Not together, but separately, to understand your hangup on those words. If you, nor he, can take the first step in verbalizing your love, and you want to hear it (which I take from the fact you started this thread) then resentment can build.

i am a very open person. "I love yous" flew around my childhood home. But this isn't always the case for everyone. I think there comes a time, though, when as adults, we have to cut the ties to our past in this regard and just start living how WE want to live.

My husband is getting way better, but it didn't come from my pressuring him. It comes from within himself because he know my needs (to be affectionate and loving) and he's really trying.


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## treesloise (May 5, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> Is this a cultural issue for both you? Perhaps you're from cultures where expressing ILY isn't the norm.
> 
> Words of Affirmation are a big thing for me. It's one of my "Love Languages" (it comes from the book The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman..great book!). I couldn't be with someone who didn't say ILY to me. But that's me. Other people's mileage will vary.


I couldn't pin it on anything cultural or racial. We're both from white, middle class families in the same geographic area, and went to the same university. 

We're just both very scared and reserved, I think. Him, much more so than me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want him to express his emotions more to you, you will most likely have to lead the way. You say that you find expressing your emtions hard to do as well. 

Perhaps you could come up with some simple ways to do this and then set a goal to do them x times a day.. .it's a way to train yourself.

Maybe tell him that you love him once a day.
Once a day express you feelings about something he did that day that pleased you or made you feel special. 

And then once you have a few of these down.... ask him to do the same for you.

On the topic of love.. the meaning of love can be complicated or very simple.

Love is a strong feeling for someone.. the kind of feeling that you are excited to be with them and want to spend the rest of your life with them. It's also action... making the choice to do loving things for that special person... to commit to be with them and care for them forever.

I would suggest that you have conversations with him about this and don't just let him put you off with things about his family. If you marry him, he will be your family and it's time to start new traditions.

Give this 6 months and see if things change.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Or maybe start out more simple with "I love how you___________ for/with me." or "I love how you make me feel when you do____________" Simple...but still gets the point across.


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