# Wife putting us through 20yrs of wreckless spending



## bigblack8750 (Feb 23, 2013)

I have been at my wits end for almost 20 years...My wife immigrated to the US from Russia. She is a warm, kind, generous, loving woman....but she cannot control her spending impulses at all. She can't save a dime. Literally, she spends $ as soon as she has access to $. I am so deep into debt that I don't want to describe how low I am about it. She is obsessed with her appearance and any demand for $ her birth family makes. We are both PhD's and surprisingly also intelligent people. There is nothing I can do to convince her she is destroying all hope for a future for us...we're in our 50's.
I have always been a very competent person in managing $, but I can't stop her or show her that the path she is following is nothing but a one-way trip to ruin. She is ultra sneaky and untrustworthy about nothing else but this.
This is the second time she has brought us to this point. Careful thought and discussion with social workers (on my own) have brought me to the point where I am without doubt she is suffering from a severe mental illness.
I love her terribly, and we went through a lot together...but I cannot get her anywhere near a financial adviser or a mental health professional. I have absolutely no one to turn to. 

I don't want to go through divorce again, that nearly killed me. 
Being firm with her only makes the problem worse.
What can I do that any sensible person has not already tried?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sometimes you have to be willing to lose a spouse that you love in order to get their attention.

She has no need to change or go to counseling right now. She knows that no matter how much debt she runs up you will stay with her. You will even work like a slave to pay off the debt that she drives up.

My suggestion is that you tell her that either she go with you to a mental health professional and through long term counseling on this topic or you will divorce her. 

The treat of losing you is probably the only thing that will get her to take this seriously. Either do that or continue as you are.

You can separate finances from hers. You can see an attorney on how to protect yourself while married to her. 

Shoot you can even divorce her but stay with her and live together. You each haver your own finances and split the bills at a % of your incomes to total income. And then she can blow all of her own money all she wants and run up her own debt.

But if you want her to learn to handle her problem, you will need to threaten divorce.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well if she has her name on any of your credit cards change that.If you have an over draft on a joint account,cancel the 
overdraft.If you have a joint line of credit,put a freeze on it.

My wife years ago would use my credit cards and line of credit with out my knowledge.She also would run her C card up to over
8,000.After many years of paying it down,I told her do it 
next time is one way ticket to divorce.

If your able to set up your own savings account she dosen't know about.I even now have extra cash put away for emergencies.
Finally after 15yrs of this my wife is getting it.It is very possible
shes spending and trying to fill some void in her life.


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## debster (Dec 17, 2012)

Have you done a budget and reviewed it with her? If she doesn't understand the full picture, but just thinks she should have money available because she makes a good salary, then she is not aware of the situation and needs to get real with it before she will change. 

I haven't had to restrict my husband's access to money, but I watch carefully what he spends and review our actuals against budget and cashflow regularly with him. I think he is getting it now. If he didn't then I would not hesitate to restrict his access to cash and credit, but it's preferable to both be on the same page. Much better for the marriage to have trust and harmony. I don't want to have to mother him.


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