# 20 Things I've Learned From 20 Years of Marriage



## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Came across this article, seems pretty accurate and I thought I would share it. I like #20

20 Things I've Learned From 20 Years of Marriage

1. Love is not just an emotion. Love is also a choice.
2. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.
3. Tragedy and conflict don't build character as much as they reveal character.
4. Every marriage has seasons (springtime is busy, summer is easy, fall is messy, winter is bleak).
5. Date your mate.
6. Before you get married opposites attract, after you get married opposites attack.
7. Resist the temptation to compare your marriage to others. That's the fastest way to divorce court.
8. If you demand that your spouse must change before you love them, that's not love.
9. Not all friends and family members are good for your marriage.
10. Your decision to stay married or divorce will impact others in ways you can't imagine.
11. The five most common areas of potential struggle in marriage are communication, sex, in-laws, child rearing and money. Much better to discuss these areas before the marriage.
12. Saying I'm sorry is a sign of strength not weakness.
13. Love is spelled T-I-M-E. Spend quality time with the person you love.
14. If you don't understand the impact your past is having on your present, then your past is running your future with or without your permission.
15. In conflict, don't become a skunk or a turtle. Skunks stink up the place while turtles pull into their shells. And by the way, skunks always marry turtles.
16. Similarities are like money in the bank.
17. Make sure there is chemistry, but don't give chemistry too big a role to play.
18. Figure out the 20 most important qualities you want in a marriage partner and the 20 most important qualities you can't stand.
19. Finding the love of your life is an awesomely complex task.
20. Work daily at becoming a better spouse rather than wishing you had a better spouse.


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## wanttolove (Jan 25, 2012)

Cliche', but some useful stuff here.:smthumbup:


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

i liked #6


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

#7 sticks to me. Ive seen more than one couple suddenly have problems because couple A are having issues, couple B must also.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I liked #2 and #16. #10 made me think.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Brandy905 said:


> 2. Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.


Couldn't DISAGREE more with this statement. I am a woman, but speaking for my man, sex is WAY more than just "a place" for him. For him, sex is the heart and soul, the emotional exchange, the very "connection" for our relationship. 



Brandy905 said:


> 15. In conflict, don't become a skunk or a turtle. Skunks stink up the place while turtles pull into their shells. And by the way, *skunks always marry turtles.*


Also completely disagree with this. My SO and I are neither skunks nor turtles. We discuss everything openly and honestly, without stinking up issues or retreating into our shells.

OP, I appreciate your effort but this list screams women's magazine article (think "Redbook") just to sell magazines.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Brandy905 said:


> 6. Before you get married opposites attract, after you get married opposites attack .
> 
> /QUOTE]
> 
> I agree with 19 quotes, but one and that is #6. My husband and I are opposites. One can learn from each other. In our case, we nurtured the positive traits of each other and from that we enhanced our lives. We are ongoing 35 years married. I am 56 years old and my husband 59. We married at age 22 and 24. We have grown old together.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

regarding number 3.

When I met my wife and after a few months she told me she loved me. I was reluctant because my standards for 'LOVE' are very high. I told her that love needs testing. That a couple has to go through trials and tribulations and come through them together before it can be true love.

She really didn't like that answer, because she has a more romantic and idealistic view of love.

But soon after, we did go through a major testing and came through it together. It was then that I could unequivocally tell her that I loved her.

We've been married now 19 months. She still doesn't like the idea of trials and tribulations, but the next one is always around the corner.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> We've been married now 19 months.


Oh yes, 19 months. I remember those days, many years ago. It wasn't hard to be in love at 19 months, not at all.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

I like 1,10, 11 and particularly 14.


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## Brandy905 (Apr 3, 2014)

Happy, I didn't say this was all true for everyone. Quite a few are not true for my husband and I. We have been married over 27 years, although a lot of the points seem true at different times in our marriage. We are total opposites, we bring the best out in each other.

As I said it was an article with some good points that I want to share.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Brandy905 said:


> 7. Resist the temptation to compare your marriage to others. That's the fastest way to divorce court.


Recommends couples resist the temptation to compare their marriages to others.

Surrounds recommendation with 19 other points of comparison based off her own marriage.

Irony ensues.


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## SurpriseMyself (Nov 14, 2009)

Brandy905 said:


> 15. In conflict, don't become a skunk or a turtle. Skunks stink up the place while turtles pull into their shells. And by the way, skunks always marry turtles.


I disagree with this slightly. I think a skunk can turn their partner into a turtle, and a turtle can turn their partner into a skunk. So if you marry a skunk or a turtle, it's hard to not become what you don't want to be!


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## Mark P (Apr 4, 2014)

I agree with #20 the most. 

Recently I wrote about simple actionable things that anyone can start doing today to achieve a healthy and fulfilling relationship will start making a difference within a week or two.

You can check out the post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/270633-5-things-i-learned-almost-divorcing.html.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Perfectly said!!!!!


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## optimalprimus (Feb 4, 2015)

Brandy905 said:


> Came across this article, seems pretty accurate and I thought I would share it. I like #20
> 
> 20 Things I've Learned From 20 Years of Marriage
> 
> ...


My scores by point. Some really good ones, some dubious and some I don't really understand....

No.1 resonates particularly with me.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

I would change #2 slightly

Women need a reason to have sex. Men need a reason not to.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

I like all of them, but #20 is the best by far. I do my best to do this every day. Our marriage really is good but I still work on being the best wife I can be. I see the spin-off as well, Hubby responds positively and treats me well (spoils me still...) It's a win-win. Marriage is not the time to be selfish. Focus on the other person and watch the positive affect. For us, putting each other first has been a big part of the reason we are still happily married after 20+ years together. (Officially married 20 years coming up this summer).


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