# 2am and I can’t sleep



## AC896 (Jun 9, 2021)

After 13 years of marriage and 3 children, I decided to file for divorce. Our relationship was always rocky but I stayed and coped with the ups and downs because I truly loved him. Fast forward to present time and our arguments have intensified and his drinking has never stopped. Throughout our marriage he has accused me more than once to be cheating on him. To the extent of insinuating that our youngest child wasn’t his. She’s a spitting image of her father.
We are still living under the same roof because he refused to leave. We are trying to tolerate each other but it is getting harder on my end. Just found out he is talking to an ex and it really messed with me. To the point that it’s keeping me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about it. It gets me so upset and it really hurt me. All these years of having to prove myself and for him to do it to me so easily. I haven’t told him I know because I am trying to keep our quarters as civil as possible for our children. But it’s getting hard and he’s not making it any easie. I can’t even look at him right now. Keeping my S together is getting harder.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@AC896 We are here for you.

Have you seen a lawyer?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

If his cheating is keeping you up at night, some might say that you're not ready for the divorce. Maybe the bigger question is why does it keep you up? How can you not be sick of even thinking about this guy? I think you might be more "over him" than you think. Ponder the question for a little while. Why do you care what he does? Move on.


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## AC896 (Jun 9, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @AC896 We are here for you.
> 
> Have you seen a lawyer?


Thanks. Yes, divorce papers have been filed, served and now we’re waiting for mediation


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## AC896 (Jun 9, 2021)

Sfort said:


> If his cheating is keeping you up at night, some might say that you're not ready for the divorce. Maybe the bigger question is why does it keep you up? How can you not be sick of even thinking about this guy? I think you might be more "over him" than you think. Ponder the question for a little while. Why do you care what he does? Move on.


It actually helped posting this and I was able to fall asleep shortly after. I think what upset me the most was that this person had reached out to him twice before in our 13yrs of marriage and he would delete the messages before telling me saying that they were just BS. After finding out it was her, all these other questions started going into my head. Have they been in contact all this time? Did he actually ask her to wait for him? Because she knows we’re still living under the same roof. I just needed to get it off my chest. I think I’m ready to not care anymore. My divorce has not been easy. He is making the process as difficult as he can.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This accusing....

His accusing of you.

The accusations...

Before he_ laid them _on you, they lived under his skin.

This accusing others, when you are the guilty one, is called _projection._

One would think that all projectors would now, have found themselves tossed out and junked. 

People are such poor learners.

Learn from all those betrayed spouses before you and follow through on the divorce.

He will learn _even more_ from this.

The man is desperate, and desperate people are known to do and say despicable things.

He is trying to unload his faults on everyone else.

Everyone, except the man in the bottle, and the alcoholic monkey on his back.

You will come out of this marriage whole, he will come out of it dissolved by his alcoholic addiction.

I suspect he always had selfish and mean tendencies. The alcohol just gave voice to them.

He hates the fact that he cannot control you, and shape you to 'his' liking.



_Nemesis-_


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## AC896 (Jun 9, 2021)

Thank you SunCMars. I try to stay positive. This betrayal/anger was eating me inside and making me sick. I was on a rollercoaster of feelings today so I confronted him about it. At first he denied it and said he had no idea what I was talking about. Then when I told him I had found his messages he acts like it’s my fault because I was snooping on his phone!!! I’m better now. I am still upset but I can now go about my day without feeling horrible inside.


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

Divorce is hard enough to process, but in your situation it is even harder because you guys are still living together. If your stbxh refuses to leave, why don't you set some ground rules or just one rule about dating or speaking to other people? You need to keep your sanity and focus on you and your children instead of being haunted by thoughts about him and the woman/women he is talking to. 
Some people are unable to cope with any situation they face and they resort to either drinking or dating to escape their current reality, and it seems it is the case of your stbxh. It is his fault, not yours, and he is blaming it on you just to hurt your feelings and get back at you for filing for divorce. Nobody has to tolerate or be blamed for his failure to be a responsible father and husband. 
How long is going to be this period of cohabitation until he has to leave? Can you set some rules with him while he lives with you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I hope you speed in getting this liar and cheater out of your life. SunCMars is right, his accusations were classic projection


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## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

Plan your escape with a lawyer, then execute your plan. Get it done quick.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

AC896 said:


> After 13 years of marriage and 3 children, I decided to file for divorce. Our relationship was always rocky but I stayed and coped with the ups and downs because I truly loved him. Fast forward to present time and our arguments have intensified and his drinking has never stopped. Throughout our marriage he has accused me more than once to be cheating on him. To the extent of insinuating that our youngest child wasn’t his. She’s a spitting image of her father.
> We are still living under the same roof because he refused to leave. We are trying to tolerate each other but it is getting harder on my end. Just found out he is talking to an ex and it really messed with me. To the point that it’s keeping me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about it. It gets me so upset and it really hurt me. All these years of having to prove myself and for him to do it to me so easily. I haven’t told him I know because I am trying to keep our quarters as civil as possible for our children. But it’s getting hard and he’s not making it any easie. I can’t even look at him right now. Keeping my S together is getting harder.


A partner who expressed an unfounded accusation of infidelity is probably implicating himself of what he has done. 

Give him the easiest divorce you can, just to get out and get on with your lives. **** him.


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## Ldziesinski (Nov 18, 2021)

AC896 said:


> Thank you SunCMars. I try to stay positive. This betrayal/anger was eating me inside and making me sick. I was on a rollercoaster of feelings today so I confronted him about it. At first he denied it and said he had no idea what I was talking about. Then when I told him I had found his messages he acts like it’s my fault because I was snooping on his phone!!! I’m better now. I am still upset but I can now go about my day without feeling horrible inside.


My husband did the same when I saw videos made to his “work wife” confessing their love. Told me if I hadn’t snooped I wouldn’t have seen them! It gets a smidge better each day


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@AC896, just checking in - how are you doing?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

AC896 said:


> After 13 years of marriage and 3 children, I decided to file for divorce. Our relationship was always rocky but I stayed and coped with the ups and downs because I truly loved him. Fast forward to present time and our arguments have intensified and his drinking has never stopped. Throughout our marriage he has accused me more than once to be cheating on him. To the extent of insinuating that our youngest child wasn’t his. She’s a spitting image of her father.
> We are still living under the same roof because he refused to leave. We are trying to tolerate each other but it is getting harder on my end. Just found out he is talking to an ex and it really messed with me. To the point that it’s keeping me up at night because I can’t stop thinking about it. It gets me so upset and it really hurt me. All these years of having to prove myself and for him to do it to me so easily. I haven’t told him I know because I am trying to keep our quarters as civil as possible for our children. But it’s getting hard and he’s not making it any easie. I can’t even look at him right now. Keeping my S together is getting harder.


Here is a paragraph from Psychology Today that just reiterates what me and others have talked about on this forum.

*"Why do some partners wrongly accuse each other of cheating?*

Many couples struggle when one partner wrongly believes the other has been, or continues to be, unfaithful. But research into such dynamics finds that an individual’s belief that they are being betrayed tends to some extent to indicate that they themselves are having thoughts about someone outside their relationship. In other words, they were projecting their own wandering eye onto their partner."


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Here is a link from a medical center that goes into detail about emotional abuse and one of the things on the list is being falsely accused of cheating. 






Recognizing Emotional Abuse - Health Encyclopedia - University of Rochester Medical Center







www.urmc.rochester.edu


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