# Am I being controlled?



## hawks (Sep 12, 2010)

Friday night I went out and bought myself a pair of good running shoes and two tshirts for my sons. I get the money back for the shoes from my company. 
My wife got furious for buying the shoes and then the shirts for the boys. I have bought anything for me or the boys for several years because of the same reaction I got last time. 
Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house. 
When I leave to go to work I get a phone call if I'm not at work when she thinks I should be there. I have to call her when I'm leaving to come home and get a call if I'm not home when she thinks I should be. 
I should have put my foot down on this years ago but haven't and now I have had enough. 
What can I do or say? I've tried explaining how I feel but she keeps telling me that is not what husbands/fathers do. Help.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Are you being controlled? Yes, certainly sounds like it.

It sounds like you need to find out what she is so afraid of. Is she afraid of you leaving her, cheating on her or what? Did she have a normal childhood or did she have a father that walked out or cheated on her mother? These are fears that might run very deep for her and she might not be able to think rationally about it. Counseling might be of some help.

I agree you need to start standing up for yourself and go jogging if you want to. I'm not sure how you might do that short of physically moving her out of your way, but that might end badly. Maybe you could make some sort of barter. If you get to go jogging, you could maybe take her out to dinner that weekend or dancing or something she likes doing.


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## MrHurting (Sep 12, 2010)

IMO you have to be happy in your own life to be happy in a marriage...if you are feeling controlled and unhappy, you either have to fix it, or release yourself.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hawks said:


> Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house.


Dude, yes you're being controlled!! From one guy to another MAN UP!

She blocks the door? Walk out anyway -- without being violent of course. You can't walk out of your own house to go for a run? 

What's her excuse for this behavior? If she's this way with you is she this way with the kids?


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## hawks (Sep 12, 2010)

She is this way with me however, with the kids, she is controlling. My oldest, who is 22, is starting to balk at her controlling ways. She tries tells to him when he can work at his part time job, what times he should take his university courses etc. For my daugther, who is 16, they bump heads a lot and then there is my youngest, 9, who is starting to stand up for himself. I guess she must be feeling she is losing control and is taking it out mostly on me. It is not a happy household and we all tip toe around to keep her happy. I just want to take the kids and run away


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## Hopeful1 (Aug 31, 2010)

She must be very afraid of something, whether valid or not. Maybe she's afraid of being alone, afraid of you leaving, afraid of cheating, afraid of you being hurt.... Agree with Breeze that counseling may help.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yes, you're being controlled and you're partly to blame because you've permitted this abuse for so long. If she has a bad reaction every time you spend a few nickles, this is an easy fix. Open another account and deposit only what's needed for bills in the joint account. She'll get over it. If you don't want to "have" to call her when you leave work or get home, just stop. What's she gonna do? Have a hissy fit? Nobody has ever died from one. If you want to go run, walk, to the gym, to a bar, to a strip club, or climb a tree buck naked with your butt painted floursecent orange, you're an adult. Just do it. She's not really a warden and there are no real bars on your house and no real handcuffs on your wrists. The only control she has over you is that which you willingly give her. If she blocks your exit, you can go around her, through her, or take a chain saw and create a new exit. She's not your boss. She only thinks she is.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Say: "Woman, get thee to a shrink!" 
Seriously, she is showing signs of mental illness. She needs to see that it is like a drug addiction- it is controlling HER, and by extension, controlling YOU and the entire family.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

F-102 said:


> Say: "Woman, get thee to a shrink!"
> Seriously, she is showing signs of mental illness. She needs to see that it is like a drug addiction- it is controlling HER, and by extension, controlling YOU and the entire family.


Please listen to F-102 on this and ignore anyone telling you to handle it yourself. You cannot. Mostly women complain of their controlling husband/boyfriend and the only advice for them is to leave. Therefore, the advice to leave is also for you. Set up temporary residence elsewhere (another home or move in with family) with your children and tell your wife to seek counseling. Let her know you and the kids will return after she has attended several sessions and shows a commitment to continuing. Don't confront her about getting counseling. This is not a type of case that you should threaten her with "our marriage depends on it" or anything like that. Just go. This is standard advice for people in your situation and not different people's opinion of what you should or should not do. It will work. Even though you are likely hesitant to leave, you really don't have a lot of options, and it is only on a short-term basis unless, of course, she refuses to get help. In that case, restoring and repairing the family unit is entirely up to her. Let her know you are not abandoning her and you are willing to do whatever you have to do to help her, such as attending sessions with her, setting up meetings so she can spend time with you and the kids, and so on. Just be sure everything is agreed to, or as required by the counselor, or on your terms, not your wife's terms.

Because her neurosis has been long term and because you notice the impact it has had on your children, family counseling is also needed. All of you will receive opportunity to vent and express your concerns and receive coping skills too. Controlling people rob others of their self esteem, confidence, and freedom. Everyone has modified their behavior and walked on eggshells for years to accommodate the controller. You and your children need to be able to restore your sense of self.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Seriously? She blocks the door? And you let her?

You are teaching your children to be either abused or an abuser. Get some help now before it's too late for them.

I agree with Susan. Leaving may be the only way for her to get help, and for you to learn to stand up for yourself.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Yes, you are being controlled.



hawks said:


> What can I do or say? I've tried explaining how I feel but she keeps telling me that is not what husbands/fathers do. Help.


So her response is yet another form of control. Her way is the right way on what a father/husband is and there is no room for negotiating.

I'm sure you are well aware that there are plenty of fathers/husbands who work out, go running, engage in hobbies outside of the home & there are just as many wives doing the same and appreciating that their spouse has positive outlets and love seeing them happy, even when they are not chained to the house.

Seriously, if you are not in a position to do anything drastic (ie leave) what if you leave work, text her that you are going for a run and will be late, turn off your phone and do it?


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## tj71 (Jul 20, 2010)

hawks said:


> Friday night I went out and bought myself a pair of good running shoes and two tshirts for my sons. I get the money back for the shoes from my company.
> My wife got furious for buying the shoes and then the shirts for the boys. I have bought anything for me or the boys for several years because of the same reaction I got last time.
> Now I want to start excercising/running/walking and she won't let me do it when she is home. She actually blocks the doors and won't let me out the house.
> When I leave to go to work I get a phone call if I'm not at work when she thinks I should be there. I have to call her when I'm leaving to come home and get a call if I'm not home when she thinks I should be.
> ...


Hell yes just put your foot down!


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

She sounds like a bully. She gets off on the power she feels she has when she has everyone jumping thru hoops.
Does she become violent if you go against her demands, or have you tried?


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

You are not being controlled, it sounds better to say you're being manipulated. 

Your wife is typically negative. 

Did she ever lay a finger on you?


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## hawks (Sep 12, 2010)

Thank you for all the replies. 

Yes, my wife hit me once and one time when I wouldn't back down threatened to kill me while I was sleeping. 

With all your advice it has given me the strength to stand up to her for me and the kids. It hasn't been an easy couple of nights. It was WWIII last night but she eventually went up storming up to the bedroom. 

It is so hard to go home knowing that you are going to be arguing all night. I feel for our kids.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you seeing a therapist?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't blame you for not wanting a repeat performance of that each night. If you generally got your point across that you plan to start making your own decisions on what you do with your free time, rather than rehash it, just do it. I would not engage her if she starts arguing...rather, say if you calm down enough to speak rationally we can talk when I get back.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Exactly.

One of the NUMBER ONE ways most often suggested for dealing with an arguer or abusive person is to set this one, really easy boundary: The next time she tries to raise her voice, control you, whatever, you simply hold your hand up and say 'I will not talk to you when you are raising your voice. The kids and I are leaving. We'll be back later and we can talk again when you are calm.'

But then you HAVE to leave. Prove to her you will no longer be her punching bag.

You can't argue in a vacuum.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"That's not what other men think?" What other men think is irrelevant. She is married to you. Nobody argues with themselves (ok, drunks and insane people, but no rational person). Tell her how the land lays. When she gets loud, threatening, or hostile, execute an "about face" and leave. You don't have to even explain why you're leaving. Do it a couple times and she'll figure it out. She'll eventually get tired of screaming at your back as it disappears from view and she may rejoin the land of adults. Whether she decides to join you or not, you can choose to return to the sane world of rational adults. Just like back on the playground, if she can't play nice, pick up your toys and leave. Home is supposed to be your refuge from the craziness of the world.


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## hawks (Sep 12, 2010)

We did go see a therapist. We stopped after several sessions. My wife didn't want to go back. She didn't like the therapist as the therapist was very honest. Made some good points to me to improve but any construction points to my wife went on deaf ears. 

I've started on the path to get my life back. I bought the kids and myself some clothes and book each. The last time I did this she blew up about shopping without her. I didn't spend much. It was clothes we need. 

We shall see how it goes tonight. I will tell to stop and not talk to me in a demeaning manner and if she doesn't I will try my best to leave with the kids for a bit. 

Thank you again. All your support in truely appreciated.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No, I meant are YOU seeing a therapist? I doubt you're going to get the cajones to stand up to her without some backbone support from a counselor.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

Important Message:

Reasons Why A Man Should Dump An Abusive Wife Or Girlfriend :

Your life may be in danger.

You can be hurt or killed.

You can be falsely accused and arrested.

What you value might get destroyed.


Recognize the signs of an abusive girlfriend/wife and leave before it's too late.


The police and social workers are gender-biased.


They claim no woman has ever abused a man even once in the history of mankind.


That is a lie.

There are lots of abusive women out there and they get away with their behavior far more than abusive men do.


So learn to protect yourself.


If your girlfriend or wife hits you, berates you or constantly criticizes you in a negative way, she's abusive.


Leave her, or end up at the morgue, county jail or hospital.


You may only get one chance.


You may seek help from The Domestic Abuse Helpline For Men And Women.


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## friendly (Sep 21, 2010)

True Criminals - Abusive wives and girlfriends.

You don't want to become one of these victims in Texas

Stories Of Abused Men In Texas


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## crystal226 (Sep 21, 2010)

hawks said:


> Thank you for all the replies.
> 
> Yes, my wife hit me once and one time when I wouldn't back down threatened to kill me while I was sleeping.
> 
> ...


If I were in your situation I would get yourself prepared as best you can and then leave. Standing up for yourself is good, but arguing with someone who is unstable isn't going to get you anywhere. If your wife really did kill you in your sleep then what would happen to your kids? Get out and get help. Maybe with guidance things could be manageable, but in my opinion you are risking too much by staying.


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