# How do you know when it's time for a divorce?



## mch1005 (Aug 16, 2008)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5 and have two small children. I was 16 when we got together. About two years into our relationship, I stumbled upon a box of playboy type magazines. I was really hurt, as I didn't think he was like that. We argued a little, I told him how I felt about that kind of stuff, and he swore he'd get rid of them. Well, a month later, I caught him looking at them in the garage, same story, we fought, he swore he'd get rid of them. Finally after the 3rd time I found them, I threw them in the dumpster. Well about once a year now, I find something like internet sites or pictures on his phone, and I am fed up. I have fought with eating disorders since I was a young teen and last year I after I found something else, I got really sick since I assume that the problem is with me and want to change. 

Things in our marriage just haven't felt right for the past 6 months or so, but I was still taken by suprise when I had his phone the other day and received a porn text message from one of his buddies. I then looked at our cell phone bill and saw that he was getting several picture messages from that guy in the past few weeks, plus he was commenting on how nice they were and forwarded them on to others. 

I feel so betrayed by his behavior, and don't know if I can do this anymore. I know that it could be worse, and that there are a lot of women who don't care about this kind of stuff, but I'm just not like that. He often has to stay the night out of town for his job, and it is always the same hotel, so it makes me wonder if he's into the photos so much, could he be cheating too? I just can't trust him. I wonder why my feelings aren't more important than pictures, and it's frustrating. I know that I would be fine without him, though it hurts, but what about our children? When I find those things he always lies to me for awhile, for example with the texts this week, he said he must not have seen, then he said he never replied, when I showed him the messages in his sent items, he told me he just didn't remember when it was only the day before. It's even more insulting that he thinks I am dumb enough to believe that. I've been asking for marriage counseling for several months, and he finally said he wants to go just when I am ready to give up. Does anyone have any advice. If possible, I want to save our marriage, but how do I trust him?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Have him lead a transparent life. If he wants to show you that it is done and he is clean why not let you look at his myspace/e-mail/cell phone. 

Any addiction that affects a marriage is a problem. AMp will say how porn has destroyed tons of marriages and I have seen plenty on these forums, so you are not alone.

draconis


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

You are not alone and you are not the problem. He has an "illness" or he is just an inconsiderate a-hole. Only counseling can really get to the bottom of that matter. I no longer love my husband because of porn. I have lost all respect for him. Porn ruins many, many relationships. Some women have addictions to it also. It is FAR less common, but it does happen. Google "wife of porn addicted spouse" websites. It may help you to see the whole picture. It is sad that our men are that weak. My SO is otherwise a good man and that is why I have stayed. That, and we have two kids. We are on friendly terms now, but I am still angry even after months and months have passed. I don't believe that mine will ever stop, but I have read on other forums where men have gotten control of themselves and repaired their marriages. 

It is just so socially acceptable for a man to look at porn that it takes them a long time to realize the damage that it does to their spouses. Most start looking at porn around the age of 12 to 14 so it is a long time habit of theirs. If he is truly willing to reform, it will take some time, but it can be done.

In the meantime, you will have horrible feelings and hate him and yourself. That is natural, as long you don't get suicidal, just try to take this all in stride. I don't know how easily you forgive and forget so it may be anywhere from a week to few months that you struggle with the anger. You need to go to counseling separately and together. If you've already had anorexia and this issue is exacerbating it then you truly need counseling for yourself with or without him being in the picture.

I hope things work out well for you and good luck.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

While it is true that men are more attracted to porn the reasons are in the chemical make-up of the brains that caus the differences of men and women. Men have les white matter betwen the two halfs of the brain and do no multi task or communicate as well as women but can consentrate on one task better. Men are also more visual because of this. The true addiction is chemical as porn releases endorphine i the brain and you get a "high" from this. 

Keep in mind I am not making and excuse for anyone. Woman make-up 33% of online porn addicts so the problem isn't just men.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mch1005~

My H is also a porn addict. I found out about a year and a half ago. I went through all kinds of emotions trying to figure this one out. I went from everything to 'ok can we do this together?' to 'im leaving you and never coming back'. Looking at porn does hurt, but its the lying, and the feelings of inadequacy that hurt the most.

I also had a certain mental illness that was exacerbated by what he was doing. Things got ugly, for me. And the hard part is while things will go way down hill for you, he will be oblivious. 

As hard as it is, right now you have to back off from him completely. That means emotionally and physically. Its really, really hard. It is like losing someone. But he is a compulsive liar. he will manipulate you and twist everything he says and does until your energy is completely zapped. For your own health, and for your child you have to take yourself out of his manipulations so you can take care of yourself. No more looking at his phone, no more checking up on him, etc. Back off completely and pay attention to how you are feeling. If you dont feel right being around him then dont be around him. If you dont feel right even talking to him then dont. If you want to be angry and vent at him, then do it. Just listen to your own emotional state and dont worry about him anymore. Over time, you can be happy without him. 

I did a lot of reading to help me through this. Self help books, boundaries, grieving. I even went to alanon meetings. You can google all these topics and find things to help you. Im still going through it but after a year im feeling more in control of how i feel. Some days i hate his guts. and i let him know it. some days we sleep in separate rooms. some days, things are OK. but its just one day at a time, focusing on how you are feeling and asking yourself, what do you need today to feel good about yourself? Obsessing about his problems is not going to make you feel very good.


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## mch1005 (Aug 16, 2008)

Thank you for your suggestions, I am so confused and hurt right now. 

Luckily I have monthly appointments with my counseler as ongoing treatment of my eating disorder, and I just happened to have an appointment the day after my discovery. 

I just wish someone could explain to me WHY. I'm not sure he even knows.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Well from what ive read men who become addicted to porn are 'love starved' actually. They usually did not feel loved as children and marry women who are emotionally unavailable. They try to fill this void with porn. It makes them feel good, not in the carnal sense, but it boosts their self-esteem and actually feels like love to them. They feel connected to someone. They feel good about themselves. That's why they get addicted to it.


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

draconis said:


> While it is true that men are more attracted to porn the reasons are in the chemical make-up of the brains that caus the differences of men and women. Men have les white matter betwen the two halfs of the brain and do no multi task or communicate as well as women but can consentrate on one task better. Men are also more visual because of this. The true addiction is chemical as porn releases endorphine i the brain and you get a "high" from this.
> 
> Keep in mind I am not making and excuse for anyone. Woman make-up 33% of online porn addicts so the problem isn't just men.
> 
> draconis


It just gets me because I am an extremely visual person and I am female and I would never do something like this to my partner. I told him from the beginning how I felt about the overall issue of porn and he never respected my opinion about it. I, too, like porn.....when I am single. I just believe that it has no place in a long term relationship. I will not go into detail about how sexually visual I am. Just know that I am probably worse than most men, so.......

I understand that men and women in general are inherently different, but I feel that there is no excuse for one's actions when they hurt your loved ones. 

For example, people always stereotype women as being more emotional than men, right? So if I was hanging out with a guy and he was giving me everything that I needed emotionally that my man wasn't and I in turn succumbed to him sexually then does it make the crime any less serious? I do not think so. Cheating is cheating regardless of the reasons for it. Being a woman and being more "emotional" does not excuse or even lighten the severity of my trespass.

That goes for any form of addiction OR singular act of inconsideration.

People have lost the social grace of RESPONSIBILITY for one's own actions and that is why so many marriages and relationships are in trouble. Everyone is selfish and careless now-a-days making up excuses for their behavior.

Just like bi-polarism. Everyone is suddenly diagnosed with being bi-polar. It's the new ADD. People just want to blame their screw-ups on something else so that they don't have to take personal responsibility and feel like they are a bad or weak person when in reality that is their true nature. Everything is classified as an addiction now: Porn, Gambling, Drinking, Drugs, Shopping, Gossiping, Video games.........It goes on and on.......

In the end, YOU, the individual decides what actions you take in your life. If you decide to stick that needle in your arm, or take that ride to the casino, or log onto the porn site, YOU did the action.

Everyone wants to blame **** on their childhood and how horrible it was. I, myself, was abused sexually. I don't run around like a **** and use men and hate all men and treat them like ****. I don't do drugs or drink or gamble. I know what is wrong and what is right and if I hurt someone then I make damn sure that I don't do it again if I care for them.

Sorry about the rant. I have read so much on forums lately about men with porn addictions and women who cheat blaming their horrible child hoods that I just had to get that off of my chest.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Farfignewton said:


> For example, people always stereotype women as being more emotional than men, right? So if I was hanging out with a guy and he was giving me everything that I needed emotionally that my man wasn't and I in turn succumbed to him sexually then does it make the crime any less serious? I do not think so. Cheating is cheating regardless of the reasons for it. Being a woman and being more "emotional" does not excuse or even lighten the severity of my trespass.


Good point.


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## mch1005 (Aug 16, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Well from what ive read men who become addicted to porn are 'love starved' actually. They usually did not feel loved as children and marry women who are emotionally unavailable. They try to fill this void with porn. It makes them feel good, not in the carnal sense, but it boosts their self-esteem and actually feels like love to them. They feel connected to someone. They feel good about themselves. That's why they get addicted to it.




Well, I suppose he may have felt love starved as a child, he didn't have a traditional upbringing. And his family isn't affectionate or easy to talk to. But I am not at all emotionally unavailable. I always try initiate conversation and talk openly about things, and he just tells me he is not much of talker. And we're never lacking in the bedroom, it is a rare week where we're not sexual at least three times. I always make sure I look nice, smell good, etc. I realize this is something he started probably as young teen, but wouldn't you think that real life is so much better? Look at all he is risking!


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## Farfignewton (Aug 10, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Well from what ive read men who become addicted to porn are 'love starved' actually. They usually did not feel loved as children and marry women who are emotionally unavailable. They try to fill this void with porn. It makes them feel good, not in the carnal sense, but it boosts their self-esteem and actually feels like love to them. They feel connected to someone. They feel good about themselves. That's why they get addicted to it.


I think that is few and far between. I showered my SO with love daily. His friends were jealous of how loving and caring and what a great sex life we had. He lacked for neither sexual nor emotional attention. Sometimes, they just do it because they can get away with it. At least, they think that they can.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know Ive thought about the whole emotionally unavailable wife because i never considered myself to be that either. I always thought we had a good emotional relationship. I think most of it stems from their childhood, lack of self-esteem maybe. Of course I asked a lot of questions and there are more specific, personal experiences in my H's past that I think contributed to his addiction. The more he goes to counseling, though, the more I'm seeing that he has really felt very alone in this relationship. What I perceived as emotional availability wasn't to him. Its not my fault of course that he feels this way, and I'm not responsible for how he has handled this feeling of loneliness, but nonetheless it is what it is. 

Of course every person is different and my understanding and handling of this situation is pretty specific to how I understand and perceive my H in all of this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

Farfignewton said:


> It just gets me because I am an extremely visual person and I am female and I would never do something like this to my partner. I told him from the beginning how I felt about the overall issue of porn and he never respected my opinion about it. I, too, like porn.....when I am single. I just believe that it has no place in a long term relationship. I will not go into detail about how sexually visual I am. Just know that I am probably worse than most men, so.......
> 
> I understand that men and women in general are inherently different, but I feel that there is no excuse for one's actions when they hurt your loved ones.
> 
> ...


Well said, maybe my next thesis should be about taking responcibility for your own actions. You inspired me.

draconis


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:
My mother's addiction took her life and my father's addiction took everything he had and being a product of the two, I know I have trouble with anything in moderation. However, I also know I wouldn't risk losing my family, no matter how strong any urge may be. 

I don't think until one takes full responsibility that they are destroying their life/family by their actions, they will continue to do it because the compulsion is so great. But they are lying to themselves when they try to downplay it or push blame back to the people who love them and are trying to help.


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## honey28 (Aug 1, 2008)

I know the feeling! There is nothing like looking for a pair of socks in his underwear drawer and finding "bodacious babes" not making light of it, but it makes me so upset too. my husband doesn't see anything wrong with it (in the past anyway, now he's trying to do everything right-another story). the bottom line is you can't make him change, you can only express how his behavior makes you feel and if he doesn't make any changes you will have some decisions to make. good luck


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