# How to navigate THE conversation



## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

Hi everyone

I asked for your wisdom regarding my husband who lost interest in sex few months ago, and I came to ask for it again.

Quick background- he’s 41, generally fit, we ran some tests and all came back within normal range (testosterone, blood pressure, weight). He is adamant it’s not my fault, it’s just that sex is not on his mind, life’s stressful, he’s tired and he doesn’t watch porn and doesn’t masturbate, as he’s “to old for that” apparently

I’m 29, fairly healthy with a fairly healthy libido. We had good sex life until moving in together - looking back I think this was when it started to change (coincidentally, it was at the start of the pandemic). Prior to that, we would rarely NOT have sex when staying together.

Anyway, I need to get it off my chest and speak to him again - the previous conversation didn’t go as planned.

He catches me off guard, and I loose my train of thought with saying stuff like the following:

“_Oh so it’s all you care about?” _
“_All I want to do is love you and be loved, is it too much to ask?”_
“_I cook, I clean, I do everything you ask me to, does it mean anything to you?”_
“_Oh so you’re saying there’s something wrong with me?” _(Which is a difficult one because I don’t want to offend him but, essentially, yes, I do think it’s not normal to go months without sex…)
“_So you want me to be one of those guys who pester their women for sex?”_

OR he brings up any stressful/tragic/busy event from the past and blames it on that.

What do I say in response to the above to still get my point across?

I feel like he either knows what’s causing his lack of interest in sex but doesn’t want to tell me, or he genuinely hasn’t got a clue and is scared of feeling inadequate.

I’d appreciate your thoughts!


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

Just to add - I’m realising we might have different love languages. He hinted in the past that he likes the romance, spending time together, romantic dinners, cuddling when watching a TV, me telling him ‘love you’ during the day etc. Which is fair enough, I like those things too. However, there are not essential for me to get ‘get in the mood’. My libido is not dependent on the amount of candle lit dinners we’ve had. If I’m in the mood, I can have sex whether we spoke all day or not.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Wifey93 said:


> “_Oh so it’s all you care about?” _
> “_All I want to do is love you and be loved, is it too much to ask?”_
> “_I cook, I clean, I do everything you ask me to, does it mean anything to you?”_
> “_Oh so you’re saying there’s something wrong with me?” _(Which is a difficult one because I don’t want to offend him but, essentially, yes, I do think it’s not normal to go months without sex…)
> “_So you want me to be one of those guys who pester their women for sex?”_


This is all very manipulative speech. It would help if he could learn a better way of speaking. 



Wifey93 said:


> What do I say in response to the above to still get my point across?


Oh, you got your point across. He entirely understands that you want sex and want to know why it's not happening. 



Wifey93 said:


> I feel like he either knows what’s causing his lack of interest in sex but doesn’t want to tell me, or he genuinely hasn’t got a clue and is scared of feeling inadequate.


Yes, that sounds right. 



Wifey93 said:


> OR he brings up any stressful/tragic/busy event from the past and blames it on that.


Might any of those be the truth? 



Wifey93 said:


> We had good sex life until moving in together


Whose place did you move in to?

And another important question: how is the relationship apart from that? Can you talk to each other? Do you argue, and how? Because I'm wondering why no sex, but I'm also wondering why no talking about it. How do the two of you get on together?

I suspect you may get a bunch of people replying that it must be another woman, and, I suppose that is one of the possibilities. But that doesn't usually stop men having sex with their wife.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

*Might any of those be the truth?*

I mean, it’s things like his parents passing away, then my mum being in hospital last year, changing jobs, then we’ve had some financial struggles due to a few questionable decisions he made. They’re indeed very upsetting things, however, you learn to move past it. I don’t see his daily life being affected, so why is our sex life? Besides, there were times when we where away on holiday, relaxed, and he still wouldn’t initiate. 

*Whose place did you move in to?*

We moved to a new property. 

*And another important question: how is the relationship apart from that? Can you talk to each other? Do you argue, and how? Because I'm wondering why no sex, but I'm also wondering why no talking about it. How do the two of you get on together?*
I’d say we are generally get along well, he’s very supportive and caring. If we argue about something silly, we usually move past it quickly, always try to make up as soon as possible. We can talk to each other, however, he can get defensive very quickly and avoids anything that can be even mildly uncomfortable. And sex talk definitely makes him uncomfortable, as he don’t like to be vulnerable or appear weak. He’d rather go on and pretend everything is ok, whereas it’s eating me up. 

*I suspect you may get a bunch of people replying that it must be another woman, and, I suppose that is one of the possibilities. But that doesn't usually stop men having sex with their wife.*

I really, highly doubt there’s another woman. He seems to be pretty confident that sex is not that important, he’s always either at work or at home.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

I think there are not many men out there that think sex is not that important , when they say men think about sex every 30 sec,

you say he has stress , stress effects all in different ways some take refuge from it in sex 
others can't think of anything other than the matters that are stressing him out , 

it is strange that his sex life dropped off when you moved in together and sex was then on tap , 

at 41 this is not his first relationship any idea what happened before with other women he lived with but I think that has very little to do with your relationship in most cases , but could help


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

I’ve just came across this post on another forum I am on, written by a guy who “doesn’t get sex”:

_I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily_… _in a few relationships.

im married, have been for 12 years, we don’t have sex very often, in fact haven’t for over a year, and probably three times since our second child was born, 5 years ago.

Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.

im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?_

So it’s a thing …


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

Another user:


_I am a married man and I don't enjoy it either, I never really have done. There is too much pressure to 'perform' both anatomically and in terms of technique, and if you don't hit the mark you're just dismissed as being bad in bed. This means that I'm constantly thinking about climaxing too early, too late, showing I am enjoying it too much or too little, and just a general inability to relax. So much of the focus on sex has to go to the woman that I feel (and have always felt) that I'm there to do a job rather than getting any mutual enjoyment out of it.

To me it's more trouble than it's worth and I'd rather take care of myself._

I can imagine my husband thinking like this.
It’s like he pretended to like sex in the beginning of our relationship, to fit in of what’s expected of him, but really he isn’t bothered 😕 😪


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Wifey93 said:


> _*Never been the most sexual person, could probably say similar of my wife too, the definition of sexless fits us down to a tee, well less than 10 times a year for about 10 years.
> I love my wife too, our relationship is amazing, but prefer the cuddles and kisses over sex.
> 
> im surely not the only one who feels like this, is this wrong?
> ...


It's a thing, but it's not the case with the OP.

Her husband recently lost all interest in sex just a few months ago, so this nonsense about 'different love languages' in other posts doesn't apply, either. If they had an active sex life *until just a few months ago* and the doctor found nothing wrong with him, the guy is likely up to something. Whether he's playing online with someone or something is going on during business hours is left to be seen. But he's up to something.

I'll bet my house on it.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's a thing, but it's not the case with the OP.
> 
> Her husband recently lost all interest in sex just a few months ago, so this nonsense about 'different love languages' in other posts doesn't apply, either. If they had an active sex life *until just a few months ago* and the doctor found nothing wrong with him, the guy is likely up to something. Whether he's playing online with someone or something is going on during business hours is left to be seen. But he's up to something.
> 
> I'll bet my house on it.


Sorry, maybe I haven’t been clear in my first post, but our sex life has been on a decline since we’ve moved in together, which was six month into our relationship. From around that point he could go months without it, unless I initiated. And even then, he would sometimes give me excuses as to why it wasn’t a good moment.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wifey93 said:


> but our sex life has been on a decline since we’ve moved in together, which was six month into our relationship. From around that point he could go months without it,


That is natures way of telling you, the guy really doesn't want to share sex with you. Which ought to have seen you dump the guy, way back when in response.

Although it's not too late, so do feel free to dump him today. And replace him with someone who is up for it.


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

Wifey93 said:


> “_So you want me to be one of those guys who pester their women for sex?”_


Honestly he sounds like someone who has brainwashed themselves from TV and feminist propaganda, but I don't know enough to really make the claim. Just seems like an odd statement to make without having an axe to grind beforehand.

My advice is always the same in this situation is to make it clear through conversation that this is completely unacceptable to you and that you are willing to leave permanently over this and that you will follow through. I'm a guy and know that sometimes women tend to not be direct enough sometimes for us to get the hint, so be sure to use those words. Yea, you appreciate all the other things he does and thank him for that, but this is not a one or the other negotiation. 

Then, you do the calculus about how long you're willing to put up with it and hang around hoping.


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## CountryMike (Jun 1, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I asked for your wisdom regarding my husband who lost interest in sex few months ago, and I came to ask for it again.
> 
> ...


Tell him the only answer you'll accept is yes, I want you to be a H who's always looking to have sex with his W.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Are you married? You're referring to him as your husband, but then you talk about when you moved in together. Strange.

There is something wrong with a man who doesn't want to have sex.
It is almost a guarantee the he will only get worse with time.
Accept that you are headed for a sexless marriage.
Or get out.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> I’ve just came across this post on another forum I am on, written by a guy who “doesn’t get sex”:
> 
> _I’m a man, so clearly not a stereotypical one. I don’t actually see the point in sex, I never really have done, other than conceiving. Always been one of those “expected” parts of a relationship but I can quite easily go without it, and have done happily_… _in a few relationships.
> 
> ...


this post could be from a man that is an Asexual man , it does not say clearly that the man was ever in a normal sexual relationship with any one , 

your guy had normal sex life before he moved in with you , so has to be looked on as something he had and lost , so why has to be addressed


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

*Are you married? You're referring to him as your husband, but then you talk about when you moved in together. Strange.*


Yes, moved in together few years ago, got married last year. I mentioned moving in together in a context of when I saw the decline in his interest in sex.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> It's a thing, but it's not the case with the OP.
> 
> Her husband recently lost all interest in sex just a few months ago, so this nonsense about 'different love languages' in other posts doesn't apply, either. If they had an active sex life *until just a few months ago* and the doctor found nothing wrong with him, the guy is likely up to something. Whether he's playing online with someone or something is going on during business hours is left to be seen. But he's up to something.
> 
> I'll bet my house on it.


yes if he is not up to something he needs to get himself to a doctor and he will have to talk about something most men are not good at talking about to a doctor


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

*your guy had normal sex life before he moved in with you , so has to be looked on as something he had and lost , so why has to be addressed*

What if he was just pretending to like it… Or maybe he was truly enjoying it, but once the novelty wore off, he went back to his old (asexual or v. low libido) ways. 
When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> *Are you married? You're referring to him as your husband, but then you talk about when you moved in together. Strange.*
> 
> 
> Yes, moved in together few years ago, got married last year. I mentioned moving in together in a context of when I saw the decline in his interest in sex.


right we need to take this from the first step , 

Was there ever a time you 2 had sex every night , or a time you did nothing only have sex for a day weekend , 
how often was sex when you started dating and the first 6 months of living together


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

Wifey93 said:


> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


Given evidence suggests he doesn't want to change. He's looking for someone to match with by attracting them with a love bomb (normal sex) then bait and switch.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> *your guy had normal sex life before he moved in with you , so has to be looked on as something he had and lost , so why has to be addressed*
> 
> What if he was just pretending to like it… Or maybe he was truly enjoying it, but once the novelty wore off, he went back to his old (asexual or v. low libido) ways.
> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


as I am not an expert , but yes it could happen that he pretended and moved from knowing /DATING to living with you in a short time , 

main thing here is if you are not happy with your sex life together today , it is important to look at what steps you need to take to make it right for you one been divorce , 

your husband is a grown man you can only do so much and you doing research on the internet is only so good as the main question can only be answered by him and his wiliness to change or do something about it if in deed he can


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

you need to think along the lines of what you can fix 
what you have control of in your relationship 
one of them is like what my father used to say about a woman that complained about her hens not having chicks , she was told to chance the (as I can't put down the word for male hen )


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wifey93 said:


> What if he was just pretending to like it… Or maybe he was truly enjoying it, but once the novelty wore off, he went back to his old (asexual or v. low libido) ways.
> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


At the end of the day whatever his reason, it doesn't change the fact he doesn't want to share sex with you. The fact he doesn't want to share sex with you, ought to be enough for you to wake up and get a divorce.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

if the reason is to do with stress work or any other health or outside or his privet work related side and he is telling you it is normal he is fooling you and worse he is fooling himself ,

sex is important for men and women , 
any one that said it is not unless they are lucky enough to be with a person that has the same sex drive or lack of one they are in a relationship that is not fully working


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

So if he doesn’t have ED then it sounds like you’re kind of at a stalemate.

BTW when I confronted my wife with the lack of sex she brought some lines like that:

_I never think about it.
It’s not a priority for me._

She was being honest. So when he says it’s not a priority for him and such, it probably isn’t.

The retort is simple. I understand it’s not a priority for you but it IS for me. My wife at least understood that husband and wife are supposed to screw.

So I’m not sure if this guy is your husband or not, but romantic relationship means sex. If you can get him to see that then maybe you’ve got a chance of reforming him. You know he can do it because you were having sex with him regularly before moving in.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Your story sounds like mine, only it’s my wife who could care less about sex. Her love language is acts of service and mine is physical touch. That’s the least one on her list. Her hormones are fine but she just doesn’t want sex whereas my libido is much higher. 

I’m sorry you’re going through this.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

*At the end of the day whatever his reason, it doesn't change the fact he doesn't want to share sex with you. The fact he doesn't want to share sex with you, ought to be enough for you to wake up and get a divorce.*

Yeah, I was hoping it’s something fixable, not permanent. The way he presents it it’s like he doesn’t want to have sex due to temporary things, and once they pass he will be willing to. But that moment never comes because there’s always something.

*So if he doesn’t have ED then it sounds like you’re kind of at a stalemate.*

No, he can get an erection and finish every time.

I’ll try tonight, yet again. We’re supposed to have a movie night. I’ll be on my best (or worst?) behaviour. He’s off work today, chilling at home, so I’m not accepting any ******** excuses.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Wifey93 said:


> Yeah, I was hoping it’s something fixable, not permanent. The way he presents it it’s like he doesn’t want to have sex due to temporary things, and once they pass he will be willing to. But that moment never comes because there’s always something.


I'm sorry he's kept feeding you BS excuses. Yet for your own sense of self worth, surely it is enough already.



> He’s off work today, chilling at home, so I’m not accepting any ****** excuses.


Good luck and I really mean that, yet be ready for more disappointment.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> Your story sounds like mine, only it’s my wife who could care less about sex. Her love language is acts of service and mine is physical touch. That’s the least one on her list. Her hormones are fine but she just doesn’t want sex whereas my libido is much higher.
> 
> I’m sorry you’re going through this.


 Thanks - it sucks!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> *At the end of the day whatever his reason, it doesn't change the fact he doesn't want to share sex with you. The fact he doesn't want to share sex with you, ought to be enough for you to wake up and get a divorce.*
> 
> Yeah, I was hoping it’s something fixable, not permanent. The way he presents it it’s like he doesn’t want to have sex due to temporary things, and once they pass he will be willing to. But that moment never comes because there’s always something.
> 
> ...


if tonight is movie night and no kids around pick out a romantic movie with the odd sex scenes in it with out been porn , and dress up in something he like you in , just to see how it will go


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

Double


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do you know if he was sexually abused or was his family really religious? Does he have any passive-aggressive tendencies which make you feel like you are made to pay for upsetting him? Did he have any physical disfigurement as a youth that would make him self-conscience today? 

My ex never was the type to initiate, not even while dating. Getting married made things worse. Like your husband he just showed no interest, to a point that I asked him if he was gay. Men and women who have not experienced this are not going to understand and the blame will get passed to you and they will suspect another woman which might not be the case. There is a block in his head, one that might take years to figure out and you might never resolve this successfully. 

What do you want? If it is a man who comes to you with his desires for you, this guy is not the man. Having that after years of not will give you much peace and satisfaction. Have you thought of leaving him?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

My wife and I are in this issue as well. As others have said it's her not wanting sex. She is adamant it has nothing to do with me. She just isn't into it is all. Especially since she hit her mid 40s. However she usually will try and play along and hope she wakes up and gets into it. Right now she has a great reason, I have been suffering Ed now for several years. Finally have drs attention on the issue and going to ensure it's not a common physical problem. Have warned her that once I can get the issue of Ed figured out (hopefully), it game on again girlfriend!! Lol.
Seriously, it not as normal for males to not want sex. Our brains are hard wired to procreate. Old joke spend 9 months trying to get out, then the rest of our lives trying to get in! Look at the evidence of this. Sadly the preponderance of evidence shows makes perform 90%+ of rapes, so why would a male at such an age have 0 desire for sex when presented with a very willing partner? Maybe it's in his head and he feels threatened by your eagerness, kind of a role reversal. Some like to chase not be chased? There is a reason why, only thing is he may be to afraid to say it. Be careful what you ask for, sometimes it not what we want to hear.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

You could try Tiny Tbone's advise and see what happens. It was something suggested to me as well which I tried. I'll save his reaction. Would like to know how your husband would react.
Quoted from previous reply "Maybe it's in his head and he feels threatened by your eagerness, kind of a role reversal. Some like to chase not be chased? There is a reason why, only thing is he may be to afraid to say it."


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


So there is your answer. Your sex life will not improve with him, and as he ages will get worse. So at 29, why do you want to keep trying to push a heavy rock up a steep hill. You can have a fulfilling life, but not with him.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> What if he was just pretending to like it… Or maybe he was truly enjoying it, but once the novelty wore off, he went back to his old (asexual or v. low libido) ways.
> 
> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


That last part, I'm afraid this is the real him then. Sounds like he wouldn't be interested in sex with ANY woman after he grows tired of pretending he is. It's not your fault, you got duped. So sorry.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Wifey93 said:


> Quick background- he’s 41, generally fit, we ran some tests and all came back within normal range (testosterone, blood pressure, weight). He is adamant it’s not my fault, it’s just that sex is not on his mind, life’s stressful, he’s tired and he doesn’t watch porn and doesn’t masturbate, as he’s “to old for that” apparently


His job is difficult and stressful?



Wifey93 said:


> “_Oh so it’s all you care about?”_


Your response: _"No, I care about everything you do for me. But I also have physical needs and you are MY man."_



Wifey93 said:


> “_All I want to do is love you and be loved, is it too much to ask?”_


Your response: _"This is exactly what I am talking about. You are not getting it."_



Wifey93 said:


> “_I cook, I clean, I do everything you ask me to, does it mean anything to you?”_


Your response: _"I appreciate everything you do for me. Allow me to express my appreciation by being intimate with you."_



Wifey93 said:


> “_Oh so you’re saying there’s something wrong with me?” _(Which is a difficult one because I don’t want to offend him but, essentially, yes, I do think it’s not normal to go months without sex…)


Your response: _"I am wondering if something is wrong with me. That you do not want to have sex with me."_



Wifey93 said:


> “_So you want me to be one of those guys who pester their women for sex?”_


Your response: _"You will not feel the need to pester me because I want to have sex with you."_



Wifey93 said:


> OR he brings up any stressful/tragic/busy event from the past and blames it on that.


Your response: _"I understand that. But is it helpful to let a past event drag you down and the life you are trying to build with me as a couple? WE can do better together." _



Wifey93 said:


> What do I say in response to the above to still get my point across?


See above.

Try to make him feel desired with your statements and see how it goes.

It is commonly assumed to make a woman feel desired in a relationship. But this can do wonders for men as well. If the wife can make her husband feel desired at times, fantastic.



Wifey93 said:


> I feel like he either knows what’s causing his lack of interest in sex but doesn’t want to tell me, or he genuinely hasn’t got a clue and is scared of feeling inadequate.
> 
> I’d appreciate your thoughts!


He have had sex with you before so why would he be nervous now? Is he finding it difficult to get it up?



Wifey93 said:


> When pressed, he said it was the same with his ex (who, btw, is very good looking).


This is a matter of concern. But let us see.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

TinyTbone said:


> My wife and I are in this issue as well. As others have said it's her not wanting sex. She is adamant it has nothing to do with me. She just isn't into it is all. Especially since she hit her mid 40s. However she usually will try and play along and hope she wakes up and gets into it. Right now she has a great reason, I have been suffering Ed now for several years. Finally have drs attention on the issue and going to ensure it's not a common physical problem. Have warned her that once I can get the issue of Ed figured out (hopefully), it game on again girlfriend!! Lol.
> Seriously, it not as normal for males to not want sex. Our brains are hard wired to procreate. Old joke spend 9 months trying to get out, then the rest of our lives trying to get in! Look at the evidence of this. Sadly the preponderance of evidence shows makes perform 90%+ of rapes, so why would a male at such an age have 0 desire for sex when presented with a very willing partner? Maybe it's in his head and he feels threatened by your eagerness, kind of a role reversal. Some like to chase not be chased? There is a reason why, only thing is he may be to afraid to say it. Be careful what you ask for, sometimes it not what we want to hear.


Also you may consider this. He could be bi/gay and dealt he must conform to social norms. It has been much harder for men in this area to be open about this real preference. Just tread lightly with this line of questioning. If it's something you might suspect at all.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

Wifey93 said:


> Thanks - it sucks!


Even worse is I need to be on TRT and have been hesitant because I don’t want my already high libido up even more. 

Welcome to the club no one wants to be in. Good luck with your talk tonight!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

A couple possibilities:

1) Avoidant attachment disorder - could be for whatever reason (trauma from childhood or elsewhere) there is a need to avoid deep intimacy. Cuddling is shallow. Those with this tend to be defensive when asked for more then they can stand. Ironically, these people subconsciously seek out partners with anxious attachment styles who want way more intimacy. Yes it’s counterintuitive.

2) Parental Modeling - if sex was shamed or portrayed in a negative light by primary caregivers this is what you get. Imaging him as a teen constantly overhearing fights between his parents about his dad was a perv for always wanting sex. Makes a huge impression… suppress need for sex in exchange for conflict avoidance. Somewhere above someone mentioned “feminist” and guys are in a double-bind. Don’t want sex you’re not a man. Want it more than she does and you’re a sexual predator with unrealistic expectations. For my wife, sex talk is a total libido killer due to shame from childhood or a pathological need to make sure our kids aren’t exposed to it.

3) Change in primary relationship driver - once kids came along, my wife went from wanting to improve and grow us to improving and growing our family. That’s when the connection and attraction started to die off. Other things like how we compared to her friends’ families and our kids comfort and happiness mattered most. I personally lose sexual interest when my partners are more interested in me as a parent or provider. It’s like saving for retirement, you don’t get jazzed about it you just do it because you need to.

4) Codependency - I was codependent regarding my wife’s self-admitted mental health issues and then I quit. Once I quit, my sexual drive for her dropped significantly. This is pretty common. Now I get my needs met elsewhere with people who appreciate the same things. I don’t need her to validate me with sex or companionship.

5) Lack of intellectual connection - How much do you have in common. For guys, sharing your passions with other people bonds you even more so in a marriage. My wife has zero interests in any of my passions or interests. I tried and dove into hers but to no real reciprocity. Women in my line of work or with similar passions are just automatically more intellectually and sexually desirable than my wife. Having your spouse constantly say “oh that’s nice hon” or “have fun” is disconnecting. Going to watch the World Series is a completely different experience for two die-hard fans vs if one couldn’t tell you the first thing about Major League Baseball and reads a book during the game. I see sex as a fun hobby you should love to talk about and share.

5) Unresolved issues from previous marriage - You’re only getting his side of the story which in 99% of cases means he will not be the bad guy. His ex would have a different take I’m sure.

6) Being honest with your contributions - constantly nagging and shaming is a HUGE libido killer for guys. So being honest and putting in your required work is imperative. You don’t let him make excuses but are you? If he responded to your attack on his libido by pointing something out about your how would you react: “but kids” “but work” “but menopause” “but unrealistic societal expectations” “but why can’t you just be happy with how I am”. Everyone always overweights their efforts and downplays their faults.

TBH y’all need marriage counseling. The plumbing works so there is an emotional component here at work.

EDIT - forgot to add if his job is stressful and hears a lot of chronic disappointment at work the last thing he wants to hear is chronic disappointment in his safe space at home.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

Thanks *aaarghdub , *you might be onto something.

His job isn’t extremely stressful, he doesn’t LOVE working there but it’s what he’s been doing most of his life and he’s good at it.

I suspect that AAD and Parental Modeling could be somewhat responsible for the way he is.

When I mention something sexual he can get uncomfortable, when questioned he says he’s not used to talking about it openly, as his upbringing was “old school” - dad was absent emotionally, spent most of his time either at work or at a local pub. Mum was not the warmest woman, especially to my husband (lots of snarky comments, he could do no right in her eyes). The 5 of them (including 2 siblings) lived in a small council house, so I can only imagine he didn’t get much support, guidance or intimacy.

We haven’t got our kids yet, he’s got a child with his ex (an accidental pregnancy, few months into their relationship). He’s a very good dad, very warm and affectionate, so nothing like his dad, whom he still worships and misses a lot…

I might be out of my depth here, maybe counselling isn’t a bad idea. But I need to see a will to change things. He’s yet to acknowledge my reasons for wanting sex.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wifey93 said:


> Another user:
> 
> 
> _I am a married man and I don't enjoy it either, I never really have done. There is too much pressure to 'perform' both anatomically and in terms of technique, and if you don't hit the mark you're just dismissed as being bad in bed. This means that I'm constantly thinking about climaxing too early, too late, showing I am enjoying it too much or too little, and just a general inability to relax. So much of the focus on sex has to go to the woman that I feel (and have always felt) that I'm there to do a job rather than getting any mutual enjoyment out of it.
> ...


Do you believe he is masturbating instead of making the effort to have sex with you? If yes, do you know how often?


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

*Do you believe he is masturbating instead of making the effort to have sex with you? If yes, do you know how often?*

He claims he is neither masturbating nor watching porn.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You mentioned that your husband is fearful of appearing weak or vulnerable, something that likely began from how his mother belittled him. Sex and all the feelings that it creates, requires a certain amount of vulnerability so that could be exactly it for him.

If he didn’t have good role models growing up in terms of love and vulnerability, it may have caused him to become afraid to completely let himself go. I think if you both started talking about his childhood and hopefully he will start opening up to you, he might start slaying those past issues that keep following him. I don’t think I’d approach it from the standpoint of how it makes you feel or “are you not attracted to me?” I don’t think from what you’ve shared that it has anything to do with you.

If you keep approaching it from that angle, the conversations will just go in circles. I think he needs to heal from his childhood before he can be totally vulnerable with you, when it comes to sex. That’s my best armchair therapist guess! 😌


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Wifey93 said:


> Hi everyone
> 
> I asked for your wisdom regarding my husband who lost interest in sex few months ago, and I came to ask for it again.
> 
> ...





Wifey93 said:


> Just to add - I’m realising we might have different love languages. He hinted in the past that he likes the romance, spending time together, romantic dinners, cuddling when watching a TV, me telling him ‘love you’ during the day etc. Which is fair enough, I like those things too. However, there are not essential for me to get ‘get in the mood’. My libido is not dependent on the amount of candle lit dinners we’ve had. If I’m in the mood, I can have sex whether we spoke all day or not.


Interesting there is another post on a woman asking men what a man means when he says he wants to feel sexual desire from his wife.

I think that you would benefit greatly from reading some of the posts to that threat. I think the heart of your first two posts is that you want to feel sexually desired by your husband.

Unfortunately, you can't force him to sexually desire you. What you can do is communicate with him, change the dynamic in your relationship such that he has to change the way he treats you. (It might be for the better or the worse, the choice is up to him how he changes.) If he changes in a way that you like you can give him positive feedback and try to make other smaller changes in the dynamic so that things improve even more, all the while using positive feedback to encourage the changes he has made that you like.

Another thing I would point out is that you seem to be making what are called "covert contracts." They are more commonly talked about in men. Often men will say, if I do the laundry and vacuum she will want to have sex with me. So he does the laundry and vacuums, but no one told her what the terms of the contract was so she doesn't feel compelled to have sex with him. In fact she might say, it is about time he did his share of the household chores. 

The next step in the covert contract marriage death spiral is for him to double down and not only do the laundry and vacuuming, but the dishes, and making some of the dinners. Again, she doesn't know that there is a contract and so she feel no compulsion to provide sex.

Yes, some of your examples of your discussions sound a lot like you are trying for covert contracts.

I think that what you really want is to feel sexually desired.

Good luck. You need to talk to your H explain what you need, how he can provide it, and hope he initiates changes in himself that you can support with positive feedback.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

We had ‘the chat’ yesterday , he was way less defensive and more receptive than expected. We agreed he’s not as prone to feeling and acting on being horny as I am. I made my point clear that sex for me is up there with the most important things in a relationship (he looked quite surprised by that). He accepted this without fighting back, however, towards the end of the conversation, I’ve realised he doesn’t feel it and need it the way I do and never will.

He promised to make more time and headspace to accommodate more intimacy between us, but it’s obvious it will never be as natural and organic as I’d like. He needs to make an effort to get there mentally before acting on it.

We shall see …


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wifey93 said:


> *Do you believe he is masturbating instead of making the effort to have sex with you? If yes, do you know how often?*
> 
> He claims he is neither masturbating nor watching porn.


This is VERY difficult to believe....if he is not having erections or regular orgasms at his age, I would say he has a serious medical issue. And I don't think he does.

He sounds exactly like my EX, right down to the deflecting comments you quoted in your first post (almost word-for-word)....and he was using porn and masturbating ALOT. And lying to me about it, even when I caught him with proof. 

He had a desire for orgasms, just not with me. And I suspect that is true for your husband as well.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wifey93 said:


> *He promised to make more time and headspace to accommodate more intimacy between us*, but it’s obvious it will never be as natural and organic as I’d like. He needs to make an effort to get there mentally before acting on it.


This is very very unlikely to happen. I am sorry.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> This is very very unlikely to happen. I am sorry.


I’m aware, but I need to give him a chance.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Dump the dud!


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> I’m aware, but I need to give him a chance.


 where do you think this relationship is going ,
is sex going to feel like it is duty sex , 
do you think the relationship will work for long , 
some times it is cruel to be kind


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> He had a desire for orgasms, just not with me.


Underlying issues, like anxieties, fuel the need to vent. I'm not defending porn or masturbation. I'm saying that whatever unhealthy baggage one is carrying around vents somewhere unhealthy. You disassociate your unhealthy self from a healthy wife by hiding the unhealthy baggage you're carrying around. Many men don't want their wives to see their unhealthy side, an in extreme situations, they will lie to hide all of their faults.. even when the only person who see's them as faults is him.

They also will deny and excuse because they come from a place of being unhealthy... sometimes for years. I know, because I was there. I didn't want my Ex to see who I really was because I believed I wasn't healthy enough or good enough, so you hide your baggage.

The bottom line is porn is an underlying problem that will most likely expose other problems. Seek a therapist.. for me, it was the only way to sanity.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Dump the dud!


Easier said than done as I’ve been married less than a year to ‘the dud’. But I’m going to if there’s no option left.




frenchpaddy said:


> where do you think this relationship is going ,
> is sex going to feel like it is duty sex ,
> do you think the relationship will work for long ,
> some times it is cruel to be kind


I’m hoping we can revive what we had in the early days of our relationship when he wanted it as much as I did - I won’t settle for a pity sex.




AlwaysImproving said:


> Just personally, I'd be shocked to hear from my wife because I'm high libido myself. My reaction would probably be I'm initiating right now and again tonight and again tomorrow morning and we're not done until she's asking to stop lol.


You see, that’d be my instinct too. I couldn’t just ignore being told by my partner that he’s willing & ready. I guess their (low libido people) brains are wired differently.




LisaDiane said:


> He sounds exactly like my EX, right down to the deflecting comments you quoted in your first post (almost word-for-word)....*and he was using porn and masturbating ALOT.* And lying to me about it, even when I caught him with proof.
> 
> He had a desire for orgasms, just not with me. And I suspect that is true for your husband as well.


Maybe I should be careful what I wish for, but I’d rather that be the case. I feel like there would be at least something to work with - I wouldn’t mind watching whatever porn he was into with him.

I said to him once that it’s actually healthier to ejaculate regularly, even if it’s on his own. He said quote “he’s too old for that”.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

HarryBosch said:


> Underlying issues, like anxieties, fuel the need to vent. I'm not defending porn or masturbation. I'm saying that whatever unhealthy baggage one is carrying around vents somewhere unhealthy. You disassociate your unhealthy self from a healthy wife by hiding the unhealthy baggage you're carrying around. Many men don't want their wives to see their unhealthy side, an in extreme situations, they will lie to hide all of their faults.. even when the only person who see's them as faults is him.
> 
> They also will deny and excuse because they come from a place of being unhealthy... sometimes for years. I know, because I was there. I didn't want my Ex to see who I really was because I believed I wasn't healthy enough or good enough, so you hide your baggage.
> 
> The bottom line is porn is an underlying problem that will most likely expose other problems. Seek a therapist.. for me, it was the only way to sanity.


I agree with everything you said, but for YOU (after reading your story). However, it was VERY different for my EX, and I was aware and dealing with it for nearly 10 years. Also, before he had access to online porn, he would masturbate and neglect me anyway...it wasn't really the porn. I don't believe he was ever "addicted" to it. If anything, he was addicted to self-gratification and giving himself anything he wanted.

I tried multiple ways of negotiating with him to meet my needs without infringing on what he wanted and his privacy and sexual agency. But nothing worked because the reality was he had no room for ME or MY NEEDS in his mind or heart. I know for a fact that none of your explanation fit HIM and HIS feelings at all.

He didn't lie to hide his faults because he felt shame...he lied to take advantage of my trust and get what he wanted at my expense, while watching my heart and happiness whither away to dust from his rejection and my confusion. And as long as he got what he wanted, he didn't care that I was in pain.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wifey93 said:


> Maybe I should be careful what I wish for, but I’d rather that be the case. I feel like there would be at least something to work with - I wouldn’t mind watching whatever porn he was into with him.
> 
> I said to him once that it’s actually healthier to ejaculate regularly, even if it’s on his own. He said quote “he’s too old for that”.


It's only something you can work with if he is willing to admit it and be open about his desires with you, and if he's willing to turn to you instead of the porn. But his attitude so far, and the fact that he's is pretending to you that he doesn't even masturbate (unless he has a health problem and really doesn't), is a very bad sign about that possibility.

I remember offering to do ANYTHING in the porn he watched that he wanted me to, if that would excite him (while I was kneeling naked on our bed)....and he said, "I'm not watching porn anymore, I'm just not in the mood"....while I KNEW from our internet record that he was watching it for hours every night.

So the deception can be ingrained and impossible to overcome.


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## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I remember offering to do ANYTHING in the porn he watched that he wanted me to, if that would excite him (while I was kneeling naked on our bed)....


That's quite an amazing story. I do love a can do attitude. Sorry that happened to you. I hope that's not happening to @Wifey93, but I'm becoming suspicious also.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

AlwaysImproving said:


> That's quite an amazing story. I do love a can do attitude. Sorry that happened to you. I hope that's not happening to @Wifey93, but I'm becoming suspicious also.


Well, I explained it like that so the OP would understand the level of humiliation and rejection that a porn user is willing and able to stifle and hurt their partner with. I didn't want her to have any illusions of what she is up against...she might think it will be easier with porn, but in some cases that hope makes it harder to give up and let go.


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## Wifey93 (9 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> I remember offering to do ANYTHING in the porn he watched that he wanted me to, if that would excite him (while I was kneeling naked on our bed)....and he said, "I'm not watching porn anymore, I'm just not in the mood"....while I KNEW from our internet record that he was watching it for hours every night.
> 
> So the deception can be ingrained and impossible to overcome.


I’m sorry LisaDiane - I would’ve been absolutely fuming and so hurt!


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Wifey93 said:


> I’m sorry LisaDiane - I would’ve been absolutely fuming and so hurt!


Thank you, it was very painful and part of the slow death of our marriage (due to not enough sex)....so I know what you are going through very well.

Hopefully your husband (who is younger than mine was) will care about you more and you won't go through what I did!!!
Just be prepared for that reaction (or similar), so you will know how you want to respond to that.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

@LisaDiane ; I sure wish my wife would offer to do things like that (offer to do what is in some porn videos) but I can’t even get her to agree with basic sexual things other than starfish. 

I’m so sorry your husband chose porn over you. There’s no replacement for a willing spouse.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Wifey93 said:


> I said to him once that it’s actually healthier to ejaculate regularly, even if it’s on his own. He said quote “he’s too old for that”.


There was a guy here on TAM a while ago who was shocked to learn he should still have a sex drive - he wasn't that old. Your H's comment here reminded me of that guy. Evidently he'd been told it should all be over with by 40 or so, and thought his wife was insatiable for wanting sex once a week or more. 

Anybody here remember that thread? OP might benefit from reading that one. He turned it around.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Quad73 said:


> There was a guy here on TAM a while ago who was shocked to learn he should still have a sex drive - he wasn't that old. Your H's comment here reminded me of that guy. Evidently he'd been told it should all be over with by 40 or so, and thought his wife was insatiable for wanting sex once a week or more.
> 
> Anybody here remember that thread? OP might benefit from reading that one. He turned it around.


Wasn't he still masturbating though?


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