# Sad, Lonely, and Confused...



## AgapePanda20 (Nov 10, 2010)

Hi,
I have been married for a little over 2 years and I am miserable. 
I have recently started therapy and an anti-depressent. My husband is verbally abusive towards me. However, he is very subtle and I don't believe that he intends to be abusive when he speaks to me. I feel like a zero when I'm at home...even when things seem to be going good with him I feel on edge because I don't know hwo long it's going to last or when he's going to get mad at me for whatever reason. 
It's frustrating to feel this way because I know that I don't deserve it. I am attractive, I'm smart, funny, and I'm fun to be around. I'm easy going and can easily just go with the flow when plans change. I get asked out all the time, and so I can't help but feel like "Why am I with this person when there's someone else out there who will appreciate me?" I don't know... everyone thinks that we're doing great and that everything is fine...but we're not. He thinks we're fine too, but again, we're not. He doesn't work at it, I just don't know what to do and I feell hopeless.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

AgapePanda20 said:


> everyone thinks that we're doing great and that everything is fine...but we're not. He thinks we're fine too, but again, we're not. He doesn't work at it, I just don't know what to do and I feell hopeless.


this part stuck out to me. why does everyone think you guys are OK? do you hide it from everyone, him included? 

you cant be subtle with some guys if you want change. if you hide your feelings out of fear of his anger, well, how is he supposed to know that something is wrong? he learns by your reaction to him. if him getting angry equates to him getting what he wants, then of course he is going to keep doing what gets him what he wants. you're actually rewarding his behavior. 

Everyone needs to know things are not ok. your family, your friends, and most importantly him. every single time he hurts you with his words he needs to know it. there must be consequences that do not encourage his behavior. You've labeled yourself a 'go with the flow' kind of person. how is that working out for you? It's time to go against the grain.


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## Nienna (Jan 22, 2011)

I really connected to this because it's a lot like what I'm going through. I'm pretty sure my husband has BPD though. I got tipped off on that talking to a councilor myself, privately as well as my husband refuses to go to counseling. First, I have to contradict the reply above as I find it to be quite ignorant advice. It is NOT your fault! Though yes, there are things we can do to help our situation, we can not control the actions of others, and when you are in an intimate relationship with someone who is abusive, it is difficult to think rationally. That does not mean you are weak or bad, it's just reality.

My advice to you foremost is to accept the possibility that this person may never change. Perhaps you will have to make a decision on if you can live with that, both long term and short term. If the answers to those questions are different then I think that is okay.

I recommend that you behave selfishly in this situation. Some people may criticize that statement but fundamentally selfishness just implies acting in one's own self interest. And taking care of ourselves is a good thing. We can not hope to properly care for another if we first cannot care for ourselves. Do something for you that makes you happy. This cannot include him as he is your main source of imbalance. Go shopping, see a funny movie, hang out with girlfriends, buy yourself gifts. This step is quite awkward for me because I am not used to anybody treating me special, and it is an awkward feeling at first to just be nice to yourself. 

Give yourself permission to relax. If he is making your environment charged in a way that makes this impossible, then leave. Go for a walk, go shopping, whatever it takes to allow yourself to be relaxed because you deserve it.

One thing that I recommend to everyone because it has made such a positive impact on my life is a book called "The Love Response" by Eva M. Selhub. It is exactly what the title implies. Read it and I promise you it will help.

It is also very important to set clear boundaries. If your husband is being verbally abusive to you it is irrelevant if his intentions are to hurt you or not. You do not have to take it. If he does not cease this behavior when you mention that his actions are hurting you then immediately remove yourself from the situation. You can come back when your bad feelings have subsided and you feel more balanced. Do not allow someone to kick you when you're down. Just get up and walk away.

It does not do any good to beg, barter, or otherwise manipulate someone to provide emotional support for you where there is none, especially if that person is creating the emotional void in the first place. I had a good friend tell this to me and it was a real eye opener. When you beg someone to be there for you or to help you, you are putting that person in a position of power over you. If that person has acted irresponsibly with their power over you in the past, then by asking them for help you are hurting yourself. It's kind of masochistic when you really think about it because the more the other person refuses, the more it hurts, the more help you beg for. Your sense of self worth and happiness cannot be solved through another person. You have the power to create these things for yourself. Keep that power and stop surrendering it to him.


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## Darq (Jan 24, 2011)

Do you have kids?? I suffered the same thing with my husband since we got married, for many years I endured his harshness and negative comments towards me. After 9 years of suffering and 3 kids he got diagnosed with anxiety and depression and he is on antidepressives. We are on couples therapy, but he has hurt me so much and basically killed my selfsteem for a long time. Now I'm trying to get it back and keep myself insane in this relationship, but I'm not in love with him anymore, the ONLY reason I'm working this out is for the sake of my kids, since my Husband is only negative with me but not with them. It's so hard for an abusive person to change, even with all the therapy he still hurts me many times and I feel he just vents on me his frustrations. 

If he doesn't change with therapy, and you dont have kids get yourself out of there, even if you still love him. I promise the day will come that you will start to hate him and you will regret staying with him. If he really has a mental problem you even can have your marriage disolve. ( I learnt that too late...)

My husbands doesn't see the abuse either, he thinks now that I have depression too, and that's why I'm very negative. He says that he loves me, but I can't really feel it. 

I used to feel the same way you feel, I was smart, had a lot of friends and was in general a happy person. Until I got married, then my nightmare started and I'm still in this bad dream, just hoping one day I will be able to be happy again...

Look at me, I'm stuck with my 3 kids with trying to work things out when I rather be alone and in peace, I can't take anymore the harshness and I have become a very aggressive person with him, I can hardly recognise myself. 

Don't loose yourself for someone else. The most important thing is to love yourself better, don't let him mistreat you, even if you have to confront him, be strong, you don't diserve to be mistreated. You are a beautiful woman that deserves to be loved and cared, but you have to love yourself first by not allowing any mistreatment, and setting up limits for him. 

I hope your situation gets better, my heart goes out to you, since I know very well that feeling, when you can't understand why your husband can't see the good things in you. But you know what, they are sick and don't have love for themselves, so how could they love someone else??


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## HM3 (Aug 18, 2010)

Hey,

You need to take action now. Your husband needs to go to counselling to try and stop his verbal abuse. If nothing is done you will vanish - you'll feel worthless, no self esteem, no confidence and go into depression.

Words hurt and cut more than anyone can understand. My H wouldn't come to counselling, and even though I had told him how much the words hurt, he didn't stop. I tried to ignore it, but it completely wore me down. I had lots of support/praise etc outside - family, friends, colleagues, and managers etc, but if you're not getting the same from the one person who matters, it doesn't help.

Set your boundaries and stick to them.


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## mrsnobody (Feb 27, 2011)

Darq said:


> Do you have kids?? I suffered the same thing with my husband since we got married, for many years I endured his harshness and negative comments towards me. After 9 years of suffering and 3 kids he got diagnosed with anxiety and depression and he is on antidepressives. We are on couples therapy, but he has hurt me so much and basically killed my selfsteem for a long time. Now I'm trying to get it back and keep myself insane in this relationship, but I'm not in love with him anymore, the ONLY reason I'm working this out is for the sake of my kids, since my Husband is only negative with me but not with them. It's so hard for an abusive person to change, even with all the therapy he still hurts me many times and I feel he just vents on me his frustrations.
> 
> If he doesn't change with therapy, and you dont have kids get yourself out of there, even if you still love him. I promise the day will come that you will start to hate him and you will regret staying with him. If he really has a mental problem you even can have your marriage disolve. ( I learnt that too late...)
> 
> ...


This part really spoke to me ...


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

Blanca said:


> this part stuck out to me. why does everyone think you guys are OK? do you hide it from everyone, him included?


I can relate to the above


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