# Wife had lesbian affair...



## laz3500 (Jul 9, 2018)

Hello ! I am truly sorry to hear about that and i know excatly how you feel. I am going through a situation just like yours. My wife and I have been together for 17 years now, we have no children because we have been thorugh some medical problems. Her neighour (a lady) who became her best friend has a lesbian daughter who is married to another woman. My wife starting having a very beautiful friendship with all of them then she was leaning to the lesbian couple. She was always drinking with them like never before. I warned her that some lesbians will make you feel welcome to get other girls. and she said I was crazy that she will never do anything like that. Months passed by and found suspicious SMS and voice messages in her phone besides she was talking to our life as a couple like she trust them so much, even more than she ever talk to me. I confronted her very demanding and she started crying and told me they only kissed each other several times when she was drunk and lost her mind but she couldn't do anything else 'cause she is not a lesbian. I have been trying to go deeper to find out if they are in love or there has been more between them. She stopped contacting them for now but they probably contact secretly, I'll never know. She says she wants to be with me that there is nothing more than a friendship that became stronger and she didn't see that girl as a lesbian, just as a great person. Family Man, in your case you don't have to wait any longer. When your wife has come to the position to question who she stays with, you are out of her picture. My advice is you start searching for another woman The scar will always be in your heart but it will heal. If any have any suggestion about my story, please let me know. Thanks.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laz3500, I moved your above post out of the thread you posted it on since that thread was a few years old (a zombie thread) and because you should have a thread of your own.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

laz3500 said:


> Hello ! I am truly sorry to hear about that and i know excatly how you feel. I am going through a situation just like yours. My wife and I have been together for 17 years now, we have no children because we have been thorugh some medical problems. Her neighour (a lady) who became her best friend has a lesbian daughter who is married to another woman. My wife starting having a very beautiful friendship with all of them then she was leaning to the lesbian couple. She was always drinking with them like never before. I warned her that some lesbians will make you feel welcome to get other girls. and she said I was crazy that she will never do anything like that. Months passed by and found suspicious SMS and voice messages in her phone besides she was talking to our life as a couple like she trust them so much, even more than she ever talk to me. I confronted her very demanding and she started crying and told me *they only kissed each other several times when she was drunk and lost her mind but she couldn't do anything else 'cause she is not a lesbian.* I have been trying to go deeper to find out if they are in love or there has been more between them. She stopped contacting them for now but they probably contact secretly, I'll never know. She says she wants to be with me that there is nothing more than a friendship that became stronger and *she didn't see that girl as a lesbian, just as a great person.* Family Man, in your case you don't have to wait any longer. When your wife has come to the position to question who she stays with, you are out of her picture. My advice is you start searching for another woman The scar will always be in your heart but it will heal. If any have any suggestion about my story, please let me know. Thanks.


Yeah - right. We all make out with our friends when we get a little drunk. Sure. And we get physical with anyone we see as a great person.

She is in an EA that went physical.

Denial is almost always the first reaction of a cheater when questioned. Step up your monitoring. Get a VAR in her car and/or in the room she spends the most time with her phone. It may turn out to be nothing, but I would want to know for sure.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

Something like this is going on with my cousin. And _she's_ the cheater. Her and an old High School friend got drunk one night and had Lesbian sex. Friends 20 plus years, both married. My cousin insist she's happily married but annoyed that her Husband is working so many hours and isn't giving her 'The attention she deserves'. I've tried to explain that in order to pay off HER credit card bills, pay off the kids Medical bills and to pay for the house, and utilities, that he has to work. Cause her 'part time' job isn't cutting it.

And like a typical modern day *liberated *woman she's totally not listening. And _everything _is about her, her, her, now, now now. Seriously, when you stop and listen, I mean really listen, you really learn things about people you wish you hadn't. So glad I don't have to deal with her crap. Anyway, Hubby actually came home an hour late but the two of them overslept and he caught them in bed, naked, having clearly had sex. He promptly threw her out of the house. Now she's looking at divorce and is mystified by her husbands _overreaction_. After all, sex with a woman doesn't count as cheating.

I can't believe she actually said that, but she did. I know he's pissed because back when they were dating and he was still a douche bag he really wanted a threesome with her and another chick. She declined as it was gross. He's really grown up and actually turnd into a damn good guy and places his family first. And I know he loved her something fierce despite her flaws. Now she's munching carpet behind his back. Don't know if she's continued the lesbian affair with her friend or not but Hubby has implied that they've hooked up again since then.

Now she's out of a home, soon to be out of a husband (who has primary custody) and the entire family is pissed at her. The only reason why best friends husband hasn't been told is because the two Husband don't like each other, and he's not sure how to tell him without appearing the bad guy so the other guy wont get violent with him(who was also a douche and still remains one.)

My cousin is one of those beautiful girls that men just tend to fawn over. And she's never really been held accountable for anything. Now she's pushing 40 and she doesn't know how to deal with consequences of her actions and is still in denial she did anything wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Yeah who cares about the sex your wife had a run of the mill affair. Glad you moved on. You will heal much faster, actually you will heal, not sure if you stayed you would have.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Did he leave his wife or is he searching for another at the time.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

My wife is bi. She was in love with her girlfriend since her teenage years but back in our day, few came out due to serious consequences of doing so. Our marriage went well. We met and three weeks later we were engaged. My wife had never had sex with anyone before. We are married 46 years and I think we owe some of that because we love each other and can find solutions to any problems that pop up. 

It is a long story which I have posted a few times before so here is the short version. My wife did not want to cheat so we had a threesome with her recently divorced best friend. We found out that night that her girlfriend had dated women before and that my wife had been fantasizing about sex with her girlfriend and other girls. It went very well and not awkward at all so we did it every night until we asked her girlfriend to move in. We shared my wife's girlfriend for most of our marriage and it was wonderful. My wife would not even have sex with any woman unless they let me join in. She said that without me it would feel like cheating. She never even dated another girl unless I was with them.

So problem solved and I encouraged my wife to explore her sexuality but she wanted to stick with threesomes. As she said, if you have sex with enough people you will meet someone that you fall in love with and who is better than your spouse, so why risk that. 

There are two views on having a bi wife. The first is like mine which is not to feel threatened by it and to encourage her to explore that part of her sexuality. If she is going to leave me, my permission or lack of it, will not change anything. It does not matter what gender she leaves your for. The issue is leaving, not gender. She is bi, not. a lesbian so she has no reason to leave you for another gender. 

The second is that monogamy is monogamy and bi or not, you have to be sexually faithful to your spouse. That usually does not work out that well since it denies her the opportunity to experience her other half. I tried it and my fiancé cheated on me since she had a need to explore. My wife had the same need, not only to see what sex with a woman was but also sex with another guy since I was her one and only. I let her explore under safe conditions because I was there with her.

I want to straighten out a misconception here. A lesbian is sexually attracted to women only. A bisexual woman is attracted to a person regardless of gender. So a lesbian and bi are not the same. The other issues are that being bi is not a black or white thing. She may need a woman for certain areas of her life and men for others. The degree of that need can change from person to person. 

So the fact that your wife was with women does not necessarily mean that she is a lesbian. Here is the best description of bi I have ever read by Robyn Ochs.

Robyn Ochs defines bisexuality as "the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one sex and/or gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.”


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just wanted to check in with you and hope for an update 

How are you doing?
How long ago did your wife do this?

Hope you are well
Take care of yourself


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

I've seen the hotwife lifestyle absolutely destroy virtually every marriage it infected. In one case a good buddy of mine did it with his wife and it slowly descended into madness. She got hooked on one black guy and then he became their 'bull' or whatever bull**** they spout. Eventually she forced Hubby to break all contact with other women while she got to continue playing with other men. You all know how some women do it. Withholding sex, lying and emotional manipulation. Things like that. He took it for a bit and then finally had enough and objected. He tried to get them out of the lifestyle but she wanted to stay. Their 'Bull' objected as apparently he bought into the crap of being the Alpha and attacked the Husband...lol, joke was on him! Hubby was our units former combatives instructor. And in-front of everyone he waited until the guy assaulted him...then beat him to within an inch of his life.

Wife lost her damn mind after that and left her husband to be with her new man, abandoning her family. 6 months later she was crawling back and desperately trying to fix what she broke. Idiot took her back too and now they're in therapy. He's doing it for the kids...but I couldn't ever take a woman back who did that to me.

Odd thing was, she was a good Christian girl before all this began. But she worked in an office environment with a lot of single women who are adventurous. They eventually wore her down I guess. Now she's trying to get her mind right and they're working to pickup the pieces of their marriage.

Yeah, that crap will never be apart of any relationship or marriage I have.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Not "Just Friends", by Shirley Glass


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## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

Jharp said:


> I've seen the hotwife lifestyle absolutely destroy virtually every marriage it infected. In one case a good buddy of mine did it with his wife and it slowly descended into madness. She got hooked on one black guy and then he became their 'bull' or whatever bull**** they spout. Eventually she forced Hubby to break all contact with other women while she got to continue playing with other men. You all know how some women do it. Withholding sex, lying and emotional manipulation. Things like that. He took it for a bit and then finally had enough and objected. He tried to get them out of the lifestyle but she wanted to stay. Their 'Bull' objected as apparently he bought into the crap of being the Alpha and attacked the Husband...lol, joke was on him! Hubby was our units former combatives instructor. And in-front of everyone he waited until the guy assaulted him...then beat him to within an inch of his life.
> 
> Wife lost her damn mind after that and left her husband to be with her new man, abandoning her family. 6 months later she was crawling back and desperately trying to fix what she broke. Idiot took her back too and now they're in therapy. He's doing it for the kids...but I couldn't ever take a woman back who did that to me.
> 
> ...


It's just too difficult to wrap my head round stuff like this. I will never understand how any man can accept this as it goes against the natural inclination of men?

I mean, this and other marriage sites are full of people whose lives have been upturned due to infidelity, but some men willingly acquiesce to this ?!


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

Ab10lah said:


> It's just too difficult to wrap my head round stuff like this. I will never understand how any man can accept this as it goes against the natural inclination of men?
> 
> I mean, this and other marriage sites are full of people whose lives have been upturned due to infidelity, but some men willingly acquiesce to this ?!




Love. He loved her, still does despite everything. She manipulated his emotions. Made him feel he wasn't much of a man who could still "ring her bell." He had lost the hard chiseled body he had and had developed a bit of a gut. His hair a bit unkempt and he grew a beard which really doesn't do anything good for him. Some guys just cant pull off the beard. He was suffering from Low T and depression caused by poor diet and high stress. He's also incredibly stoic, stubborn and very much a guy who believes in taking responsibility for even the slightest thing his fault. This...played into her manipulation as she knew her Husband so well.

For instance, downrange he took shrapnel injury and then didn't tell anyone about being hurt until almost 2 days later. I found out as I took a late night shower and caught him trying to dress his wounds. I immediately took him back to the aid station and dressed his wounds, then informed the chain of command. He begged us not to let himself be EVAC'd out as he didn't want to fail his brothers. Against my better judgment I held my tongue as did our Platoon sergeant. He had taken decent care of his wounds so there wasn't risk of infection. He also would not allow himself to be put in for a Purple heart. Purple Hearts were for guys wounded in action to enemy action; not getting injured due to their own damn stupidity. His words, not mine.

So fast forward to the present. He starts having Erectile dysfunction, he's stressed, poor diet, poor sleep and he's stopped working out. She's always a woman with a high Libido, or so he says, but she was driving him up the wall due to being sexually frustrated. And they had bills to pay. So she learns of swinging through a friend at work in the lifestyle and that friend tells her how GREAT it is. So eventually she gets it in her head this is the solution. She then starts working on him to go along with it. He starts off with a resounding no, then he starts to buckle under the almost weekly assault. But he still holds firm. Then she also starts attacking his manhood. How a REAL man could take care of her, but since he's not taking care of her physical and emotional needs then he needs to outsource. I can't begin to imagine how that must have hurt him. **** it hurts me typing it and I'm not even the one it was directed at.

So after a while of this he gives in and at first it was something called 'soft swap' where they have sex infront of other couples and vice versa. And that did the trick for a while. Then they did full on swap and while he didn't like it he kept his mouth shut as she was so happy and didn't want to rock the boat. He would later pour his heart out to me how utterly devastated he was to hear her moaning under another man getting her rocks off. Time goes on and she starts turning vicious after she meets this black guy at a party with 6 swinger couples. Black guy had a girlfriend and they both swapped, but the girlfriend wasn't into Hubby and said she wouldn't **** him because he was white. He wasn't too into her either because of her attitude. But Wifey was certainly into the black guy and wanted the mythical BBC and he into her. My buddy stands his ground and says no, this isn't going to happen. Fair play and all that, which was part of their rules. They have a fight and things get chilly in the house and then really ramps up the emotional abuse which is egged on by her friends. He says 'we'll see' and so they go to another couples party. This time the guy is there alone as he and his girlfriend broke up. Single guys are supposed to be against the rules as only accompanied males are allowed but he ignored those rules and started to push people around. This guy is a serious douche and buys into that Big black Alpha male ****. So he meets wifey at the party and He wants to pick up where they left off last week. Hubby goes to get some drinks and when he returns he cant find her, then goes looking through the house and finds a door that's locked for a couple that wants privacy. He can hear them having sex though the door and it just devastates him. He sinks deeper into depression. You'd think this would be enough for her to start laying off him, right? Nope. It only gets worse. And she really starts pouring on the abuse by attacking his manhood and laughing at him when the Black guy insults him. Infront of family, friends and her coworkers. 

Finally one day after months of this their daughter gets sick and they can't reach Mom so dad has to handle it and this is finally what snaps him out of his funk. Cause now the kids are suffering. Infact they'e been suffering for months as Mom has turned the house into a living hell for everyone. So he packs her stuff and kicks her out. She comes home to find the locks changed and told not ever come back. He's done with her. Boyfriend then tries to make an issue of it and my buddy showed his pistol. Never drew the weapon but flashed it to show he wasn't playing with that guy. Dude backed off and left. Wife decides to just up and leave and be with her new Boyfriend.

My buddy takes stock of his situation from all angles, contacts me and we work out a plan of attack. Over the course of the next 6 months he goes back to the gym, attacking with a savagery I haven't seen ever from him (obviously a lot of frustrations to take out) starts eating healthy again, cuts his hair and shaves his beard, he goes under testosterone replacement therapy to get his levels back to healthy levels (he's since waned off from that) and he went to counseling to deal with his depression. Took a while but I got the man i went to combat with back. His family was happy to see him back to his old self and he was just furious with himself for letting things get so out of hand. During this time he cut off his wife financially. Cancelled her credit cards, removed half of his savings from the joint account into a new one in his name only. Lets be real, its a 'joint' account but he's the one who put over 90% of the money in it. After 6 months her and boyfriend are on the outs and this is when the assault happens. Guy tried to come to a bar we frequent and force the issue there about supporting his wife again. None of us could believe his audacity nor the crap coming out of his Mouth. Then he made the mistake of taking a swing at my buddy...who promptly beat him so bad he had to be hospitalized for over a week. Buddy didn't have to serve jail time. When you got over 2 dozen witnesses and security cameras supporting your claim of self defense, it can work out rather well for you.

So Boyfriend and Wife are on the outs and he drops her like a bad habit. Wants nothing to do with her and thus Hubby if he can avoid it. (there might have been a threat of 'if you keep seeing my wife I'll see you again and make you my *****' thrown in there somewhere during their incident). 

Left with nothing she comes crawling back. And yes, he took her back, but not for himself. See, the kids were missing Mom something fierce. They needed her back and so, for the good of his family he did take her back but there were conditions that had to be met. This was around Christmas time. Now its July and she's back to being the devoted wife she once was. Infact she's taken that role back on with a _vengeance_. They've started to become intimate again after months of counseling. Slowly working their way back to a healthy marriage. I sure as **** couldn't do it.

Oh, and apparently ole boyfriends package wasn't as impressive as porn labels all black guys to have. And apparently he wasn't all that great in the sack either. She missed the great sex her and her Hubby used to have but not so great sex is apparently better than no sex so she put up with it. Hubby also learned something that should have been obvious to him from years of marriage. She's rather submissive. When he gets dominant with her and holds his ground and means it she caters to his demands. Knowing this it has made things at home much smoother.

I wish them well.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Laz 3500, no matter how drunk you might become, you will NEVER kiss another man. I hope my meaning is clear.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Jharp said:


> I've seen the hotwife lifestyle absolutely destroy virtually every marriage it infected. In one case a good buddy of mine did it with his wife and it slowly descended into madness. She got hooked on one black guy and then he became their 'bull' or whatever bull**** they spout.


This touches a nerve for me. I actually think porn is making it more popular and its hurting couples. Some people don't fully understand the emotional damage it can cause to them. As a big black guy I don't find it appealing at all when men or couples approach me to be their "bull". I find it weird. Unfortunately its happened a few times, in public, and once by an acquaintance. They literally ask like its no big deal, like you'll jump at the chance because you're a guy. Its actually demeaning to think that they think you would even be into it. I don't think OP is coming back...but apologies for the thread jack anyway.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You should expose her and insist on a polygraph. Her reaction to that should determine if you file for divorce.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You should get tested for stds also.


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## Jharp (Jun 8, 2018)

ReformedHubby said:


> This touches a nerve for me. I actually think porn is making it more popular and its hurting couples. Some people don't fully understand the emotional damage it can cause to them. As a big black guy I don't find it appealing at all when men or couples approach me to be their "bull". I find it weird. Unfortunately its happened a few times, in public, and once by an acquaintance. They literally ask like its no big deal, like you'll jump at the chance because you're a guy. Its actually demeaning to think that they think you would even be into it. I don't think OP is coming back...but apologies for the thread jack anyway.


I agree completely. And looking back its had rather profound and negative impact on my life as well. I feel the need to sort of confess and get this off my chest.

Much to my shame, I actually did it for two couples. Being the supposed 'bull' that is, though I never called myself that. But I did fulfill the role. I was young, horny and stupid and the wives were hot as you can get. First time I was 15 and didn't know anything. They were our neighbors, mid to late 20s. I had done some yardwork and even some babysitting for them for their infant daughter. I was sort of a handyman type for my neighborhood and helped my neighbors out with various small things within my skillset. I was totally not prepared for these two. Looking back on it, they were sexual predators that were just this side of legal. She had decided she she wanted me and so would tease me and flash me and he would encourage me to have fun with her. Then on the night of my 16th birthday they wanted to do something special for me. You can guess what that was. From that point on I had her whenever I wanted her, mostly. But I watched as that marriage crumbled before my eyes. I had the feeling it wasn't doing too well even before I entered the picture. He was obsessed with being a cuckold. Lived that obsession 24/7. I was just a meat tool for her and for him to live out their fantasy. I watched as she really berated him, disrespected him and held him in utter contempt. I knew things had gotten out of control when she admitted one night she preferred me to him and wished I had been her Husband or that I would take her away from this. But she knew it was impossible as I was just so young. It was a lie. She was also having an affair with another man in the neighborhood behind her husbands back. Her Hubby when he found out? *shakes head* He was ecstatic. At first. She was 'stepping up her game' and finally 'jumping into the lifestyle with both feet'. This guy was into porn hardcore, and of course Hotwife, cuckolding and IR cuckolding were his fetishes of choice. But when she left him and kicked him out of her life and that of their daughters...I think reality finally came crashing down for him. I managed to pull myself out of that situation and watched as their marriage inevitably imploded. Finally one day I learned that he had hung himself and wrote a letting in which he admitted to feeling emasculated and devastated. Ironic as he was the one pushing for everything that happened.


The second time I was 21 or so, they were in their mid to late 30s and it was her who actually approached me. I was skeptical until I met her and her Husband for dinner and he gave his assurances. This one was much more...'healthy' maybe? I'm not sure I'd ever call such relationships healthy but this one was different from the last one. Like night and day. They talked, they laughed and shared their experiences. They didn't make me feel like a third wheel but that I brought something beneficial to their marriage. She never demeaned or disrespected him and anytime he felt uncomfortable by something, which was rare, if he asked us to stop, we did. Turned out he had a short term physical affair early on in his marriage. He never got caught but the guilt ate at him for years until he confessed. It understandably caused a rift between them. They patched things up and he wanted to sort of 'balance the scales' and so he suggest she take a boyfriend. She...didn't exactly fight the idea either. I was a young Soldier at my first duty station and I had just gotten out of a relationship with my long term girlfriend at the time. She was a civilian nurse at the hospital that frequented during my duties (I was a medic). We had struck up a casual friendship and there were hints she was attracted to me but nothing had happened prior to her 'offer'. I was definitely attracted to her. It went on for about two years. It was awkward at first as I kept looking for the toxic signs of the first time, but when I didn't see them I quickly got into it. Eventually things ran their course and we all mutually ended it, which was a good thing as I was really starting to develop some feelings for her and her for me. I think he sensed that and put a stop to it. I eventually got orders taking me overseas and I've kept in contact with them over the years. They dabbled into swinging time and again but they've focused on their marriage. Now in their late 50s they're still together and inlove and I periodically visit them when in the area. Nothing sexual happens and they always welcome me like an old friend. They are, to date, the _only _couple I know that has survived swinging. One...of about two dozen. And even then there were problems there. Do the math.

Take a guess where he got the idea to allow his wife her fun due to his cheating? Porn. I honestly think that swinging wasn't necessary to balance any scales as both had learned to value their marriage and each other. Looking back, I may have caused more harm than good, but again I thought this was kind of how things were. It wasn't until I had a very loving relationship with a woman from a strong Christian family with strong values did I learn the truth. And over the years I witnessed some buddies of mine destroy their marriages by inviting others into their bedrooms did I learn it was more of a *perversion *of what Marriage was, rather than the norm. I left that scene and never looked back. Cause it leaves you hollow and unfulfilled. And you become the interloper that destroys lives, even if you were invited.

I've made my peace with it and what I've done. But if I could go back and do it all again? I'd do things way different. As in not do it at all. And I'd probably cut porn out of my life completely rather than dabble into it on occasion.


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## cali_chick (Oct 18, 2012)

I think there is cheating just for cheating and cheating because you’re feeling agony about denying something primal in you- and this goes for gay or bi. 

I came out in my 30’s after a decade of marriage. It wasn’t easy or fun. Healing takes a while, but can be done on both sides.


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