# Showing affection in front of the kids



## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

is it acceptable or ok for newly separated/divorced parents to show affection with a new relationship partner in front of the kids? 

(Or in my case is it ok that my STBEX show affection to the guy she had an affair with around our children?)

My children's ages: 15, 11, 6 and 4.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Uummm no. Especially if its a seperation. Mine wanted to have the kids over to their place 2 weeks after he left. Kids are 23-20 & 15. They still cant deal with the OW aspect of things


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NO..I cannot figure out people who do this.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Of course it's not about what's "acceptable" it's about what is best for the kids. Even a 15 year old is emotionally fragile and will find it hard to deal with the separation/divorce. Kids take a very long time to accept that their parents aren't getting back together again - sometimes they never really get over it.

Kids also tend to blame the parent who they see as having destroyed the marriage, if that's any comfort.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

No its not ok. Its confusing and upsetting to the children who just want their mom and dad together. My STBXH did this with his now-pregnant girlfriend, very shortly after we separated. No papers filed. He also plastered "family"pics of them all over facebook.

I tried to talk to him and ask him please don't involve our son in your relationships it is upsetting him - do it on your own time but don't drag him along. I was laughed at and told its none of my business. Totally disregarded any of my concerns.

He's paying the price now, believe me.


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Mine asked me why the kids kept putting him off when he invited them over I told him that we had no idea what his living situation was ( at the time we figured he might have moved directly in with her but we weren't positive). That's when he told me he was living with her. I told him that was why the kids were putting him off - they didn't want to meet her or have anything to do with her! His response - "oh". So far it hasn't been brought up again.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Feeling pretty mean today so take my comments with a grain of salt.

In the interest of the truth and teaching your children that telling the truth is important, I think you should not only show affection to your new partner in front of your kids but if you have a WAS, tell your kids that mommy or daddy doesn't love me anymore but daddy or mommy knows how to love people and keep their promises to their loved ones. 

Furthermore, tell the kids they should be concerned that mommy or daddy might not love them forever because they now have a track record of breaking promises to people they claim to love. Just saying they seem to throw "love you forever" around without understanding what it actually means.

There has to be a price to pay for their choices and the harsher the better in my opinion.

As a child of divorced parents where my father deserved the scarlet letter, I lived the infidelity and divorce so I know from a child's perspective.

Crush these weak promise breakers,
Stretch


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry everone but I really need an anti-bitterness pill today.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

smallsteps said:


> Uummm no. Especially if its a seperation. Mine wanted to have the kids over to their place 2 weeks after he left. Kids are 23-20 & 15. They still cant deal with the OW aspect of things


I am separated from my STBEXW and the divorce process has already started. The kids seem to be doing well and they seem to "like" this new guy my STB lives with. 

Should I just ignore my feelings and emotions that I dont want this other guy filling into a parent type role and showing affection to my STB if the kids seem to be doing well?


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> NO..I cannot figure out people who do this.


Is your answer No only if the kids are being negatively affected by the situation or is your answer no period?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

separated/divorced are VASTLY different things!!!!!

*If newly separated:* NO, in fact HELL NO! 
The kids are upset enough without having a new person SHOVED into their faces while they're still trying to accept the new status quo.

*If newly divorced:* Yes, depending on how the kids feel about it. A divorce takes A MINIMUM of 6-12 months. The kids have had time to process that everything has changed and may be able to accept a new person in the equation.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Furthermore, tell the kids they should be concerned that mommy or daddy might not love them forever because they now have a track record of breaking promises to people they claim to love.


I disagree. I don't even refer to X as my ex-wife in front of my daughter. I don't want her thinking she is her ex-mom. I reinforce that her mother will always be her mother and will always love her. If daughter decides ohterwise... it will not be due to me. 



Stretch said:


> There has to be a price to pay for their choices and the harsher the better in my opinion.


Sure, but not via the kids.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I would never badmouth the kids Mum to them. She doesn't have to love me to be totally mad about them. She is a great Mum and loves the boys very much. Nothing to be gained by negative comments.

Even if she was a POS, I still wouldn't. kids are smart and figure things out for themselves in their own time.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> is it acceptable or ok for newly separated/divorced parents to show affection with a new relationship partner in front of the kids?
> 
> (Or in my case is it ok that my STBEX show affection to the guy she had an affair with around our children?)
> 
> My children's ages: 15, 11, 6 and 4.


I would definitely not be ok with this. However, what my X does when she has daughter is out of my control so I must let it go. 

I tell her what I am not ok with, but do not make demands.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

My STBEXW lives with this guy she had an affair with so when I drop/pick up the kids I see him on a regular basis which also reminds me of the betrayal.

I know of times this guy plays with kids, tucks them in bed, hugs them, etc. That bothers the SH** out of me! 

Am I crazy for feeling like this?

Its bad enough that my STBEX pushed me off her conveyor belt of husbands/boyfriends and went to the next but now I have to see this guy and he is around the kids on a regular basis.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> I know of times this guy plays with kids, tucks them in bed, hugs them, etc. That bothers the SH** out of me!
> 
> Am I crazy for feeling like this?


Absolutely not. What you do with those feelings is the test.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

I'm not even sure newly divorced is ok. It confuses kids and separation still means hope to a kid. Divorce is a whole new ball of wax to process. His beast brought his "friend" over week one. Week two, she spent the night. Week three I said "no more. It confuses the kids". He accused me of saying such because it bother me. D12 called him the next day, unknown to me and said she didn't want "friend" there. "Friend" was there again. This last week she asked if they were dating. S piped up and said ,"yeah cuz it sure seems like it". He denied. She cried herself to sleep. The next day she spent in tears and I think...I hope he finally got the message. 

New relationships need to be dealt with delicately when it comes to the kids. Their entire world has just been flipped upside down. Why add to that stress?


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

So mine texted my daughter this morning. Wanted the kids to come to his house for bagels for Easter morning. My daughter told him ifsomeone is there with him it wouldn't be a good idea they could meet somewhere instead. I knew he would be trying to introduce them again soon - he'll be gone 3 months on the 2nd


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> is it acceptable or ok for newly separated/divorced parents to show affection with a new relationship partner in front of the kids?
> 
> (Or in my case is it ok that my STBEX show affection to the guy she had an affair with around our children?)
> 
> My children's ages: 15, 11, 6 and 4.


My children are 8 and 11. My wife and I separated a few years back and have since reconciled. Just this past week I found her secret email, dating site and facebook accounts, put a timeline together and discovered some were being created before our separation and stopped long after our reconciliation. Even today I have uncovered a few new things ... all of which she had denied when we reconciled.

There are obviously a number of things that bother me about that but one big one is that she was so eager to get into a new relationship (or whatever) with our daughters in the picture. I always had in mind that I would 1) wait for some period while my children get accustomed to the new reality, 2) when I did start dating, it would be a long time before I introduced her to my children. I would want to make sure she is someone I thought I would want to bring into my children's lives and also I would need the time to prepare them for that. Why this otherwise great mother would even think about it is beyond me. She is not who I thought she was. We've had many problems but THIS is one thing I would have never suspected.

What your wife is doing is selfish and thoughtless. She is putting her needs above her children's and that is never ok in my book. This is something the children need to be prepared for and requires patience and time for the transition. I am sure it is shocking and confusing to them and simply adds to the instability of the situation.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

What would be a good rule of thumb timeframe that new boyfriends/girlfriends can be introduced to the kids?

For Example: should the parents date this new person for at least 1 yr before the kids know anything about it?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

emptyinside882 said:


> What would be a good rule of thumb timeframe that new boyfriends/girlfriends can be introduced to the kids?
> 
> For Example: should the parents date this new person for at least 1 yr before the kids know anything about it?


Much of what I've read suggests 6mos-1yr before the introduction to the children as a SO. I've also read though, that you should tell the kids when you start dating - not one person in particular, but as soon as you actively start going out on dates. 

Children are incredibly observant. If they ask where you're going, where you've been, etc. they will pick up on it if you skirt the truth. They can feel unappreciated and sidelined if they find out that you are dating from a source other than you. 

"So and so knows, but you wouldn't tell ME?!"

But yes, after divorce kids are still adjusting for some time. It can be harmful to parade new love interests in front of them. Also very confusing if those new partners don't last long and they keep seeing new mother/father figures come in and out of their lives.


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## emptyinside882 (Jul 7, 2012)

I was thinking about talking to the guy that my STBEX lives with that she had an affair with (btw, an affair that she is denying of course).

I was going to talk to him because I want to explain to him my concerns about him being around the kids, showing affection with my STBEX around the kids and maybe he'll understand where im coming from. 

He said he has no problem talking with me.

Is that a good idea?


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## sharkboy (Sep 29, 2015)

Actually, I slapped my girlfriend on the butt right in front of my son the other night and I wondered if I should of done that. Then again, I think he wants to also because she's not much older than him.


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