# Married and in love with boss...!



## s.t.

I got married about 3 years ago. It didn't start well. We argued on our honeymoon, and later argued about finances, our bad habits, and about my husband's girl friends. I was also very unhappy about my job, my family and felt depressed sometimes. I was never really interested in sex.

Time has passed and now things have worked out quite well for us in terms of finances, family, relationship, sex etc. I now got a new job I like, HOWEVER I fell for my boss the first time I met him!

I am not sure what it is exactly, but I am very excited to see him and think of him all the time (and of course fantasize about sex with him). We communicate daily (and he's very funny) but rarely face to face as he is always on business trips. (we meet once every 2-3 weeks or so)

I don't think he has any feelings towards me, but I caught him checking me out sometimes. When we work together, sometimes we got very close to each other to read things from 1 computer screen. But at the end of the day, he may be innocent and didn't do any of that on purpose. He is married for 30 years and has 2 kids. (that means we are 25 years difference in age). 

Since taking this job I am a MUCH happier person. I am always smiling, energetic, workaholic, dressed up and more passionate in bed which surprised my husband. I explained to him that because I feel very light and happy, but in fact it is because I got turned on by thinking about sex with my boss. 

But now I am getting frustrated as I am not going anywhere with my 'imaginary affair' or dare to go anywhere. I made some mistakes trying to flirt with him (although very subtly) so I now fear that he tries to keep a distance from me! I don't see him very often and I really miss him. 

At the same time, my husband continues to keep in touch with his girl friends (which we argued about) and watching porn. He said he watches porn to 'do it himself' when I am tired. My husband is a lovely person and loves me very much. I want to ignore things about his girl friends and porns but then I discover that he has a really violent porn taste which grossed me out! Now it seems difficult to ignore that. 

He has also always been pushy with sex, which pushes me away emotionally and I don't think there's ever any chemistry in me towards him. We have been having sex problem since we started dating but we think we love each other and got married. 

I don't know what to do now. My crush on my boss actually helps our marriage, but if I get closer to my boss I think it may happen as my boss is very friendly with me. I cant move job yet but if I move, I may not like my new job or new boss. My boss is actually a very good boss who likes to share a lot of opinions and advice with me, so I can learn and develop. 

At the end, it's the choice between money, marriage and sex. I want to have a better paid job, want to have a good marriage, and have sex with boss. And I cant seem to have them all!


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## oldbill43

:scratchhead: Wow... a lady with it all going on..

It's pointless trying to bury any kind of problem in a relationship, and you have buried problems, or issues which NEED to be faced. In your post, its almost like you're trying to make your husband look like the baddy, which is quite common when caught in a Emotional affair, and trying to justify to yourself why you are paying your boss this kind of attention... Think about it, you say you argued about your husband about him still keeping in touch with his past girlfriends, but yet you are willing to go one further and have a affair with a married man?

Okay, you are getting carried away with excitment, nothing more, its a BIG bubble... and it will burst.. yes okay, sexual attraction happens, but you have blown all this up in your head, this is NOT real, and you can break this cycle easily, and your boss will become nothing more than your boss.. 

Be sensible! This is not the way forward, I hope your boss never takes you up on this offer, and it's very likely that he wont!

Take your marriage in hand, if things are not good, try to mend them, if you cant mend them, dont have a affair, leave him!


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## DawnD

So you are kosher with completely wrecking his life, his wife's life and their two kids life all so you can sleep with him? Really?


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## Prodigal

s.t. said:


> At the same time, my husband continues to keep in touch with his girl friends (which we argued about) and watching porn. He said he watches porn to 'do it himself' when I am tired. My husband is a lovely person and loves me very much. I want to ignore things about his girl friends and porns but then I discover that he has a really violent porn taste which grossed me out! Now it seems difficult to ignore that.


I have a different perspective on this. I don't care if people think I'm a prude or Victorian, or whatever. Other people's opinions of me are none of my business.

Your husband keeps in touch with his GIRL FRIENDS? WHY??? He's not only looking at porn, but you term it "violent." Not sure what that means, and you don't need to elaborate, but it sounds like you have retreated into a fantasy world because some of the realities of your marriage aren't particularly savory.

I'm sick and tired of hearing the same blah, blah, blah that all men look at porn, all men enjoy watching porn, etc. I personally know of men who DO NOT look at porn. "Well, all the other guys do it, so it's okay for me to do it too. After all, we ARE guys." Baloney!

I remember a friend of mine trying to justify Bill Clinton's so-called "affair" with Monica Lewinsky by saying, "All guys do it." Oh, really? My dad didn't mess around on my mom. My FIL didn't mess around on my MIL for the 51 years they were married. 

I'm not condoning what you are doing. DO NOT flirt with your boss. You've already gotten the vibe that he does not like it. It sounds like you have a high-school crush on your boss. 

You are married, and what you got is what you got. You and your husband need to work this out. Living in a fantasy world - whether it's porn, contacting ex-girlfriends (ugh!), or having a crush on a boss, makes me think there is some deep-seated dissatisfaction going on between both partners. Time to leave dreamland behind and get down to the reality of marriage. Not romantic, not pretty, and not always nice. Hard work. Give it a try.


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## Therealbrighteyes

You need to leave your husband and find a new job. Period.
Literally NOTHING good will come of any of this. Your husband sounds like a future abuser and your crush on your boss will end with you in a puddle of tears and potentially his wrecked marriage and two kids in a broken home.
Run, my dear, RUN!!!!


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## Syrum

You are both doing the wrong thing. If you really love your husband, you need to have a serious talk to him. You need to find a new job and stop entertaining thoughts of your boss, who is also married.

your husband should also be respecting you, giving up the porn and not talking to ex girl friends and just be focusing on you. Imagine if you both put the effort into your own marriage that you both seem to be giving to other sources (porn, bosses, ex GF's). you could probably have a an awesome close loving relationship.

Tell him you want that if that's what you desire and what you think will make it work.


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## Halien

If you don't mind, I'd like to pipe in for the bosses. Your feelings for him can't really go anywhere without it potentially destroying his career, unless you work in a mom and pop place with no regard for the laws. You make a pass, and someone oversees it, and even if he declines, most labor reps will take the side of guilty until proven innocent. Then, you'll have to decide if you want to be honest and have your husband find out, or take the easy road and say it was an unwelcome pass. Point is, once the rumors start, the HR gods decend, and it gets ugly.

In my company, there is typically only one way people have lost their jobs. In every case, it was a situation like yours. Unless he's stupid, he knows what's going on. I would personally take the pension buyout and termination over standing before the labor board and explain what happened.

If you really like the guy, hold the feelings in check until you can move on from that position, or just turn it into a harmless fantasy.


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## michzz

s.t. said:


> I don't know what to do now. My crush on my boss actually helps our marriage, but if I get closer to my boss I think it may happen as my boss is very friendly with me. I cant move job yet but if I move, I may not like my new job or new boss. My boss is actually a very good boss who likes to share a lot of opinions and advice with me, so I can learn and develop.


Your crush is NOT in any way helping your marriage. It is a total fantasy and an escape, avoidant behavior.

Do not cheat, do not approach him for an affair. 

This is a huge bomb waiting to go off!

You will wreck your life, your husband's , your boss's live too.

If you are unhappy in your marriage, then fix it! Or get out of it.

Then be free to pursue romance with an AVAILABLE man.


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## major misfit

This is a recipe for disaster. Nothing good will come of it. If you have grand delusions that he's going to leave your wife for you (if you sleep with him, and start a r-ship) I can promise you, he won't. The man has been married forever. He's going to stay married. 

There is help out there for people with marriage problems. Seek marriage counseling. Seek individual counseling, if your husband won't go. But what you're doing right now is only going to bring more misery into your already (apparently) miserable life. 

Attempt to fix it, or go. There are no other options that are good ones.


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## sisters359

You contradicted yourself a couple of times--about the quality of your sex life and about your relationship with your boss. Look back over what you wrote and you'll see what I mean. I suspect you are seeing things "as they are" in some sentences, and "as you want them to be" in others. So you are totally confused b/c there is a world of difference.

Bottom line, though, is that you are unhappily married. Deal with that. Get a new job first, b/c the current situation is both unhealthy and could be very problemmatic. Then marriage counseling (no point starting mc if you are going to stay in the same job and expect h to compete with this imaginary lover). Confront the issues that trouble you and see where it goes. If, in several months, you cannot see steady progress in the marriage (2 steps forward, 1 step back is progress, albeit slow, but that's ok), you may feel it is time to move on from the marriage. But at least give it a shot. The fantasy you've constructed is going to be hard to let go of, but for your own health and happiness, you must. 

FYI, you are not in love with your boss. You are in love with what you IMAGINE him to be like. Reality would be so different. Does your fantasy include wrinkles and sagging on his body in places you are too young to even realize? Does your fantasy include him checking out other women (as he checks out you even though he is married)? Does it include impotence or infrequent performance just when you are hitting your sexual peak? Does it include being a nurse to a man old enough to be your father when you are still rarin' to go places and do things? Start looking at the reality of the situation and maybe you will realize that the man to whom you are married is worth some effort. At the very least, then you can walk away and know you gave it your best shot.


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## s.t.

Thanks everyone for your very good advice. I think I need help and I am getting help from you so I really appreciate it. I really want someone to talk to because obviously I cant talk about my problems with anyone! I don't want to have counselling as I don't believe in opinions from one person, and I wouldn't want to alarm my family or people at work that I have some sort of mental problems. 

I know I have a lot to lose and so does my boss. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he won't go for me anyway because he loves his wife & kids and i am not that gorgeous so not totally worth it. But some other time I think of a man who must be bored with his long term marriage and must need some sexual satisfaction. In my imaginary world it's just the 2 of us but of course reality is different. 

I know he's not totally interested in me, but he is giving me a lot of false signals (sharing personal stories, getting very close to me). We usually sit very close (our chairs touch) and our faces are only a few cm apart. But you're right, maybe I am imagining the 'signals' or I myself try to be close to him. He's a joker/lady person and he entertains other ladies in the office too. I am not completely crazy or insensible. I am just frustrated that he's who I am living for, knowing that one day I will be deeply hurt or disappointed when my feelings for him grow too big.

At the moment I cant leave my job because I only started and besides my boss, I like the job itself very much! 

On marriage, we're in general a happy couple. We get on along well. We hang out like friends. I know he watches porn but have chosen to ignore it. But only recently that I saw the kind of porn he watches, and the kind of violence I am talking about is, for example, something like animation of giant aliens & ogre screwing some tiny girl, which is disturbing ! I am just very disappointed that my husband is not as nice as he seems to be.

I am not a goddess myself. I've done a lot of things I am ashamed of. And I am 'cheating' on him by thoughts too. But more and more I am forgiving my husband for a lot of things because I am feeling guilty myself. But more and more I am afraid I'm becoming disconnected from reality and only want to live in my own fantasy world. 

At the end of the day, my problem is that I know that I am doing the wrong thing, I know what I should do or shouldn't do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I know he's old with a belly but he's always funny, smart and still quite hot. I am not after his money, or his status or trying move fast in my career. He teases me a lot and makes me laugh all the time, simple like that. Have you ever thought that it's nice to be able to feel happy all the time? That it's nice to want to go to work on Monday and couldn't stop smiling on the tube? And would it be nice to feel your heart aching like a school girl having a crush on a boy? It's not just a moment passing by. I'm a now different person, a consistently happy person because of that man. You'll understand why it's so hard for me to let go...


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## Scannerguard

You know. . .I think a small crush on someone else in a marriage is not a bad thing. My ex-wife had a crush on Clay Aiken (she was devastated to find out he was gay - I was like, "Um. Duh?").

I think she had a small crush on someone at work once and kinda shared it with me.

The problem is he is being so emotionally unfulfilling of you is that you are using the crush to supplement and supplant (I think that's the word I am looking for) EVERYTHING in your marriage, just the way he is using porn.

You two need to reconnected or maybe connected for the very first time in your life. It could be exciting.


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## Mrs.G

*Making Excuses*



s.t. said:


> Thanks everyone for your very good advice. I think I need help and I am getting help from you so I really appreciate it. I really want someone to talk to because obviously I cant talk about my problems with anyone! *I don't want to have counselling as I don't believe in opinions from one person, and I wouldn't want to alarm my family or people at work that I have some sort of mental problems. *I know I have a lot to lose and so does my boss. Sometimes I try to convince myself that he won't go for me anyway because he loves his wife & kids and i am not that gorgeous so not totally worth it. But some other time I think of a man who must be bored with his long term marriage and must need some sexual satisfaction. In my imaginary world it's just the 2 of us but of course reality is different.
> 
> I know he's not totally interested in me, but he is giving me a lot of false signals (sharing personal stories, getting very close to me). We usually sit very close (our chairs touch) and our faces are only a few cm apart. But you're right, maybe I am imagining the 'signals' or I myself try to be close to him. He's a joker/lady person and he entertains other ladies in the office too. I am not completely crazy or insensible. I am just frustrated that he's who I am living for, knowing that one day I will be deeply hurt or disappointed when my feelings for him grow too big.
> 
> At the moment I cant leave my job because I only started and besides my boss, I like the job itself very much!
> 
> On marriage, we're in general a happy couple. We get on along well. We hang out like friends. I know he watches porn but have chosen to ignore it. But only recently that I saw the kind of porn he watches, and the kind of violence I am talking about is, for example, something like animation of giant aliens & ogre screwing some tiny girl, which is disturbing ! I am just very disappointed that my husband is not as nice as he seems to be.
> 
> I am not a goddess myself. I've done a lot of things I am ashamed of. And I am 'cheating' on him by thoughts too. But more and more I am forgiving my husband for a lot of things because I am feeling guilty myself. But more and more I am afraid I'm becoming disconnected from reality and only want to live in my own fantasy world.
> 
> At the end of the day, my problem is that I know that I am doing the wrong thing, I know what I should do or shouldn't do, but I don't want to do the right thing. I know he's old with a belly but he's always funny, smart and still quite hot. I am not after his money, or his status or trying move fast in my career. He teases me a lot and makes me laugh all the time, simple like that. Have you ever thought that it's nice to be able to feel happy all the time? That it's nice to want to go to work on Monday and couldn't stop smiling on the tube? And would it be nice to feel your heart aching like a school girl having a crush on a boy? It's not just a moment passing by. I'm a now different person, a consistently happy person because of that man. You'll understand why it's so hard for me to let go...


When you talk about a schoolgirl crush, you sound very immature. You are no longer a schoolgirl. Time to behave like a mature _married _woman.

You are romanticising this nonsense. Happiness has to come from within.

Seeking counseling is not a sign of mental illness. It shows that you are owning up to your problems, instead of justifying all of your foolish behavior. The truth is, you could leave your job if you want to. You are just making excuses to continue what you are doing.

If you are not interested in sex, you cannot expect your husband not to find some sort of outlet. Why do women marry if they don't want to have sex? It's ridiculous!


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## VeryHurt

You sound like my husband's secretary. She had a lousy marriage. Her boss (my husband) treated her with respect. She obviously knew he was married. She flirted. He was flattered. They had an emotional affair that turned physical after I was hospitalized for three weeks. Leave him alone. He is married. You are married.


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## just_a_guy

Can I just say this...?
The porn he watches seems to look a little violent. Has he been violent? Has he dressed up as Shrek and tried baning your brains out? It sounds silly. If that is where his aggression comes out, then let it be. Would you rather it surface another time?
As far as contacting his past gf's. You guys need to work that out. It sounds like you try to use that to help condone your continual fantasizing about your boss.
Do yourself a favor please...
GROW UP. If yo ucan't face a temptation and push it away, then you're too weak to be in the relationship you're in. Why even try to justify your infatuation with your elderly boss? This just goes to show that women too, can be pigs and fantasize about co-workers, though the stigm is lways put on men.
I'm seriously disgusted reading this. Sorry hun, but you are all over the place. 
Imagine how great your husband is feeling bout things right now. How do you think he'd feel if he found out that he has no influence on this current state in your relationship.
Imagine he had turned the tables on you and all of sudden he was charged for you. BUT only because there was a (no disrespect ladies) hot piece of ass at work?

WOW!!!


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## Jellybeans

major misfit said:


> This is a recipe for disaster. Nothing good will come of it.


Yep. This. 



sisters359 said:


> FYI, you are not in love with your boss. You are in love with what you IMAGINE him to be like. Reality would be so different. Does your fantasy include wrinkles and sagging on his body in places you are too young to even realize? Does your fantasy include him checking out other women (as he checks out you even though he is married)? Does it include impotence or infrequent performance just when you are hitting your sexual peak? Does it include being a nurse to a man old enough to be your father when you are still rarin' to go places and do things? Start looking at the reality of the situation and maybe you will realize that the man to whom you are married is worth some effort. At the very least, then you can walk away and know you gave it your best shot.


LOL. Way to kill the fantasy. 

But seriously, you're married and so is your boss. NOTHING good will happen. Either work on your marriage with your husband or get divorced. Don't involve third and fourth and fifth parties.


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## candygirl29

I may sound crazy to many of you. However I feel thats its okay to think about another man to make your sex life better. Sometimes its those little fantasy that keep the marriage together. He has his porn( which is a fantasy) and you have your boss( which is a fantasy). Its safe just don't act on those feelings and you are fine!!! I'm sure you love your husband because if you didn't you would not be with him. Explain to your husband how painful it is for him to keep in contact with his ex- girlfriends! keep your cool and he will change once he thinks you don't care. Its a mind game!!!! :scratchhead: Continue to have your fantasy as a means to escape your pain caused by your husband just don't act out those feelings on your boss. Continue to whip it on your husband. He will change...:smthumbup:


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## Syrum

candygirl29 said:


> I may sound crazy to many of you. However I feel thats its okay to think about another man to make your sex life better. Sometimes its those little fantasy that keep the marriage together. He has his porn( which is a fantasy) and you have your boss( which is a fantasy). Its safe just don't act on those feelings and you are fine!!! I'm sure you love your husband because if you didn't you would not be with him. Explain to your husband how painful it is for him to keep in contact with his ex- girlfriends! keep your cool and he will change once he thinks you don't care. Its a mind game!!!! :scratchhead: Continue to have your fantasy as a means to escape your pain caused by your husband just don't act out those feelings on your boss. Continue to whip it on your husband. He will change...:smthumbup:


Bad advice. Do not do this.


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## s.t.

As time gone by I grow tired of thinking about boss so I don't think of him as much anymore. The fact that I don't see him very often helps wane my determination. Everytime we meet it's difficult to carry on conversation with an agenda in mind so I must have appeared very boring. So our (rare) meetings ain't as fun/interesting. Perhaps soon the whole fantasy will end. 

Another development is that I discovered my husband exchanging over friendly emails with his colleague whom I told him I don't like (because she's a flirt and she went out with my ex after me). She's nothing bad but she texted my husband over weekend several times so I previously told him (even once argued) that i don't think texting female colleague at weekends are appropriate. He promised to keep it professional but apparently became even closer, much to my shock. We argued again and he seems to realise the inappropriateness and promised to keep it strictly professional again. Now she's moved to another office last week, he won't contact her at all, unless it's for work.

So I'm the guilty one but I don't think he's innocent either. I told him I've been unhappy and I had feelings for someone else. Somehow we made up and now trying to work on our relationship.

I want to work on it, but as I said my workplace isn't interesting anymore. I go to work with lack of motivation and lots of burdening thoughts, and a kinda broken heart (because i'm still in love with that man who never loves me back). Whatever love or infatuation, it still makes my heart ache...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Are you and your husband spending 15 hours a week together doing fun, engaging, or romantic things? It's hard to stay in love with someone if you get in a rut.


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## Calliope

Based on the kind of stuff you say he watches, it sounds like Hentai - a Japanese anime form of porn that can be really graphic. An example is an old series called "La Blue Girl." For some it might seem a little shocking, and while I've watched it out of curiosity, I would begin to wonder about my partner if he found it to be sexually arousing. Entertainment and curiosity is one thing, but having some "alone time" to it is something entirely different.

Many years ago I had a strange crush on my boss, but I was single and he was in a relationship with a total disaster of a woman. Nothing ever happened but he knew about it and we joked about it. I had a friendship with him to where he didn't think it was strange or anything like that and I was equally puzzled by it because I had no idea where it came from. Anyways, I'm not suggesting that you tell your boss because he's married and has children. What I am saying is that it can happen, especially if you are in an unhappy situation. 

Here's what I think, and I very well could be wrong:

You're unhappily married to a man who, in your opinion, watches violent and disturbing porn.

Your sex life with your husband is rather boring.

You were unhappy with your personal life but all of that changed around because of your job.

Through work, proximity and interaction you started up a business relationship with your boss that quickly shifted into something else for you.

Now... is it possible that the only reason that you're attracted to your boss is because he is successful, shows you attention and is something different from what you're currently married to? Try to look at it that way. Maybe you'd be attracted to anybody who was like your boss because that is something you're lacking at home and not necessarily specific to your boss. Make sense?


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## s.t.

I don't really know what it is anymore and what I should do. My boss and I talk regularly and we joke a lot but all within business limit. He's away more often now so we hardly see each other, and when we see each other there's not much to say apart from business. I restrain myself from asking too much about his personal life, mayb he's doing the same. (Once I looked very upset, he said I could tell him anything but I said no I couldn't). But we seem to connect very well workwise. Mayb I like him because he's very smart, seems like a nice guy, very funny and somehow he's a very good boss to me. He tries to give me all the opportunities to learn and take part in high level management activities, although I am just a low ranked employee. And he's still attractive. But he's not all perfect. His career took a downfall, so from someone who held a very senior position in a global company he's now running a small division in my company, although it's something he enjoys doing. I feel sorry yet admire him. He works hard and continues to have ambition. He's just someone with so much going on that I want to be there supporting him and helping him achieve. (which is what I'm doing right now but not personally). 

Anyway I do try to keep things between us strictly business, but still have this secret crush on him. It's as heartbreaking as what a one way love could be. I always want to know where he is, what he does. He told me how he went on a big family holiday and wished he could get away from the argument between his wife & her sister. I wish we could get away together for just one day, to even realise how this love affair isn't real and that we must treasure what we have. Though I know it's not real. I know he loves his sons very much that he wouldn't do anything to hurt them. 

My husband and I do a lot of things together. We go out a lot. That includes eating out, meeting friends, playing sport, taking weekend trips, having dance lessons etc. We seem to have a perfect relationship apart from the fact that I can't forgive him for getting to close to his colleague who we argued about. He exchanged joke & over friendly emails. He even bought her a gift because she's moving to another country. We argued about her in the past and he must have known I would b furious if I find out, and I did. He still developed a close relationship with her behind my back proves that he was prepared to risk our marriage.

So me & my husband are 2 ppl who are seemingly not afraid of risking our marriage for some fling at work. That clearly means we don't love each other enough. I sometimes feel I love him but it's a marriage love: he's been my best friend and has always been there for me. He means family to me, but not a lover. I used to have no doubt about his love for me, but with me being so distant, so grumpy and demanding, I'm not suprised that he wants to give up. So the question is should I let him go?

And the answer is no. This is selfish but I can't throw everything away for idealology. A lot of ppl would want to b in my shoes. We both have good job, good money, good families. Things can't be better. My husband is talented and a high earner. In a few years time girls will surround him. Then the question is, if I'm unable to keep him now, can I keep him forever? So do I really want to keep him?

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

So what are you going to do?


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## s.t.

Jellybeans said:


> So what are you going to do?


haha thanks for asking, though u can tell from my post is that I really don't know. Probably I have to keep living like this for a while. As for my boss I try to be a friend and good employee. I feel so happy to see him laugh and joke, and feel very happy when helping him. As for my husband I try to be a good wife and be nice to him. I take up a lot of activities, read books and bury myself in work to try to forget the world I'm living in...til I find some solution. Does it sound like a good plan??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Well I asked because you seem to be in the same situation you were from your initial post. 

Don't kid yourself thinking you have a professional relationship with your boss. It's an emotional affair at minimum. ou can't work on your marriage as long as you are pining for someone else. And he's married too, right?


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## turnera

What I see is a person who has quit looking for the good in her husband. Once you do that...guess what happens? You stop SEEING the good in your husband!


s.t. said:


> we joke a lot but all within business limit.


Why don't you joke with your husband?



> he's very smart


Your husband isn't smart?



> he seems like a nice guy


Your husband isn't nice?



> he's very funny


Your husband isn't?



> He tries to give me all the opportunities to learn and take part in high level management activities


Does your husband admire you and expect you to expand and do well and improve?



> And he's still attractive


Is your husband attractive? 



> I feel sorry yet admire him


Do you admire your husband?



> He works hard and continues to have ambition.


Does your husband work hard?



> I want to be there supporting him and helping him achieve.


Do you urge your husband on? Do you listen to him talk about work, offer to help him?

The point I'm making is this: All the things you have put on your boss's back are things you should have been leaving on your husband's back. But you aren't. And you can't, while you're concentrating on another man.

How could you possibly make your marriage work if you won't give your husband the same amount of care, concern, and attention as you give your boss?


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## s.t.

you're all right, that I should see the goods in my husband. he has it all and I'm better off being with him. I also try to convince myself that my boss is just an infatuation and we don't have much in common so we will really never have anything meaningful. But everytime I see him i swear my heart skips a beat! And he would make me laugh instantly & feel so light, doesn't matter how I feel that day, like nothing else is important. Even though I have told myself to forget about him, the moment I see him it all comes back. I just wish I could feel that way about my husband. He meant a lot for me but definitely there's a lack of chemistry which frustrates me. I keep wondering how things would work for us for the next 10-20 years if I can't feel "in love"...then things could end quite badly...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

Fantasy is always better than reality.

You will never e able to work on your marriage as long as you're idealizing your boss. True facts.

And don't forget--your boss is married too with a family of his own.


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## turnera

st, your heart would be skipping a beat with your HUSBAND, if you would plan events that put you in romantic situations with him. But you don't.

Are you spending 15 hours a week together doing fun stuff like dating? Do you tell him how to make you feel special? Do you talk to him about how he Love Busts you, so he can stop doing those things? Do you take the time to learn how YOU Love Bust HIM, so you can focus on your husband a bit more and start thinking about him instead of boss?

The point is, those PEA chemicals you feel in your brain (and heart) when you see your boss...those are chemically designed to decrease after 2 or 3 years; part of how humans procreate. You USED to have those PEA feelings for your husband, but the 3 years was up, and you then did nothing to keep the good feeings flowing.

Hon, this is WORK. You don't just wake up and still be in love with your husband and have butterflies. You just don't. It takes work.

Are you going to do the work, or not?


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## krismimo

Ok S.T. I'm not going to call you names or belittle you, for one I think your doing a great hing by coming here to try to get some advice, if you weren't trying to get help you would have just done something by now and you havn't which is good so you can still fix this. Some people on here are totally full of it, people do have crushes, people do have infatuations with other people maybe day dream or have a fantasy, were human it happens that to me is normal. Now what you decide to do next is really up to you. Now I think there is nothing worng with a crush but you are married. 

Now let me guess please correct me but you have been married between 3-7 yrs? That is very important I ask bc we tend to take each other for granted and just go into the normal every day thing. I suggest that you spend more time with your husband you guys sound like your in a rut, and you may need to spice things up and focus on each other, take a small trip somewhere and screw each other brains out for a few days. 

If you can every so often make a weekend trip even if its local and just spend timee with each other. Although I find a crush harmless, in your case I think your crush stems from something that your not getting at home with your husband and partly because to be frank you can't have him, and that is the reality. You have a crush on your boss big deal, as long as you don't act upon it. So spend time with the hubby screw each brains out and and although you have a crush on your boss your only seeing one side, for all you know he might be a a********, you never know sometimes the grass isn't always as green on the other side. You sound like you love your hubby, he loves you, so work on each other while you guys still have a chance.


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## mrnice

s.t. said:


> I got married about 3 years ago. It didn't start well. We argued on our honeymoon, and later argued about finances, our bad habits, and about my husband's girl friends. I was also very unhappy about my job, my family and felt depressed sometimes. I was never really interested in sex.
> 
> Time has passed and now things have worked out quite well for us in terms of finances, family, relationship, sex etc. I now got a new job I like, HOWEVER I fell for my boss the first time I met him!
> 
> I am not sure what it is exactly, but I am very excited to see him and think of him all the time (and of course fantasize about sex with him). We communicate daily (and he's very funny) but rarely face to face as he is always on business trips. (we meet once every 2-3 weeks or so)
> 
> I don't think he has any feelings towards me, but I caught him checking me out sometimes. When we work together, sometimes we got very close to each other to read things from 1 computer screen. But at the end of the day, he may be innocent and didn't do any of that on purpose. He is married for 30 years and has 2 kids. (that means we are 25 years difference in age).
> 
> Since taking this job I am a MUCH happier person. I am always smiling, energetic, workaholic, dressed up and more passionate in bed which surprised my husband. I explained to him that because I feel very light and happy, but in fact it is because I got turned on by thinking about sex with my boss.
> 
> But now I am getting frustrated as I am not going anywhere with my 'imaginary affair' or dare to go anywhere. I made some mistakes trying to flirt with him (although very subtly) so I now fear that he tries to keep a distance from me! I don't see him very often and I really miss him.
> 
> At the same time, my husband continues to keep in touch with his girl friends (which we argued about) and watching porn. He said he watches porn to 'do it himself' when I am tired. My husband is a lovely person and loves me very much. I want to ignore things about his girl friends and porns but then I discover that he has a really violent porn taste which grossed me out! Now it seems difficult to ignore that.
> 
> He has also always been pushy with sex, which pushes me away emotionally and I don't think there's ever any chemistry in me towards him. We have been having sex problem since we started dating but we think we love each other and got married.
> 
> I don't know what to do now. My crush on my boss actually helps our marriage, but if I get closer to my boss I think it may happen as my boss is very friendly with me. I cant move job yet but if I move, I may not like my new job or new boss. My boss is actually a very good boss who likes to share a lot of opinions and advice with me, so I can learn and develop.
> 
> At the end, it's the choice between money, marriage and sex. I want to have a better paid job, want to have a good marriage, and have sex with boss. And I cant seem to have them all!


Heya,
YOu need to chill babe.
Concentrate on what you have now, what you have at home and forget about any ideas of wrecking some poor familys 30 year marriage and lives.
Why did you marry this guy in the first place? 
Did you really love him or was it just a marriage of convenience.
By the sounds of things you sound a little insecure.
So what if hubby watches porn, at least you know about it and he's not hiding anything. Most guys hide it.

Anyway hope you come to do the right thing.


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## s.t.

Lately I've been distracted by work and forgot about the boss for a while, until today! he came in with this awful look, asked me to have a chat. We updated each other on the business and he's having lots of problems to solve. He looked frustrated. Then he told me he's also having a big fight with his wife. I didn't know what to say but asked some stupid question. While we were talking he kept looking down at my front! Knowing how I felt about him I felt really scared, that if he needs me I wouldn't say no.

Last couple of days I was actually thinking about changing job. This is good but not as good as I thought. But seeing him so frustrated I really want to stay to help him. I can't really do much but at least he has someone to rely on and take his side, as others only want to benefit themselves. Sometimes I think it's just infatuation, sometimes I think I've fallen in love. And you can't run away from your heart!

Guess I will try to distract myself again!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Do you not know a predator when you see one?


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## Myopia1964

turnera said:


> Do you not know a predator when you see one?


:iagree: You must be extremely young and/or immature. Workplaces are crawling with men like this who prey on your naivete. Take it from some of us women who've been around the block a few times...when a man tells you "my wife just doesn't understand me," and looks like a downtrodden little boy take note...this is the oldest line in the book sweetie!!! Don't fall for it. This is the opening he will use to gain your sympathy and convince you that you really aren't doing anything wrong by getting involved with him...after all, he's in SUCH an unsatisfying relationship and his wife is SUCH a beotch! Yada, yada, yada. Truth is, he probably is perfectly happy at home, especially if he has a wife who overlooks or is ignorant of his indiscretions. When you grow up a little, you'll realize that this is a distinct type of predator and they're everywhere.

If you fall for this, you will eventually realize that you've been had. He has probably pulled this act with every "young thing" that has passed through the office. Please spare yourself the pain and humiliation when you wake up someday and discover that you've been used and thrown over for the next piece of a** that he meets in the lunchroom. You are allowing your ego to convince you that he thinks your special...he doesn't. And you're not.


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## Undertheradar

My wife is about to wreck her marriage with the same mindset as you. Quit while you're ahead.
You'll just end up another statistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

I watched my boss get involved with a coworker of ours. He was OH so misunderstood and unhappy at home. I tried to tell her, but she was OH so in love! And they are in their 50s! She even changed from a dancer to a biker, to please him. And, of course, it ended in tragedy. Because all he was looking for was a skirt.


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## turnera

s.t. said:


> Lately I've been distracted by work and forgot about the boss for a while, until today! *he came in with this awful look*, asked me to *have a chat*. We updated each other on the business and he's having lots of problems to solve. *He looked frustrated*. Then he told me he's also *having a big fight with his wife*. I didn't know what to say but asked some stupid question. While we were talking *he kept looking down at my front*! Knowing how I felt about him I felt really scared, that if he needs me I wouldn't say no.


He is grooming you. 



> Decent men do not subject the object of their affection to such harm. Decent men would not place a woman in conflict with her marital partner, family, children, friends and community… or with herself. Men who engage in such activity tend to be working towards their own sexual gratification over the needs of the woman. The approach then, often involves a process of grooming towards the sexual encounter. The man pursues, the woman resists, the man continues and escalates displays of affection and adoration, and the woman succumbs. The period of grooming will depend on the vulnerability of the woman and the intensity of the pursuit. Guilt and shame are the most common of feelings when the intoxication of the moment subsides and the woman is left to ponder the experience.


Why Affairs Cause Heartache


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## turnera

Something to think about, and I'm not saying you are, but worth asking yourself: Are your clothes work-appropriate? Do your shirts and dresses show cleavage? If you're not working at Hooters, such clothes should be saved for outside a work environment. Men WILL take that 'message' as saying you may be interested. Sad, but true.


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## Undertheradar

WhiteRabbit said:


> omg.i'm trying so hard to think of advice to give you but this is just making me sick.
> WHY is he talking to you about his problems?? The two of you are already involved in an EA it seems.
> You should probably take a look at one of those forums that are for the OW because that's what you are at this point.


PLEASE listen to WR!!!!

BACK OFF NOW!!!


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## AvaTara539

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You need to leave your husband and find a new job. Period.
> Literally NOTHING good will come of any of this. Your husband sounds like a future abuser and your crush on your boss will end with you in a puddle of tears and potentially his wrecked marriage and two kids in a broken home.
> Run, my dear, RUN!!!!


:iagree:

You are not attracted to your husband, you want to have sex with your boss who did not take your flirtation well... it's all bad news.


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## Meerkat Hat

Quit your job yesterday. You are threatening to ruin two families. It doesn't matter how much you need the money or how much you like your job. It seems like you cannot control yourself and you are going to wreck the lives of two children. You have the power to stop that. 

You mentioned that you don't blame your husband for wanting to leave because you are "grumpy" and "distant". Stop being grumpy and distant. Be cheerful and sympathetic. Treat your spouse with at least as much respect as you do a co-worker. Familiarity can make us less sensitive to our loved ones' feelings. 

If you extend the olive branch, he may come around.


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## Jellybeans

This is still going on? Why don't you just get a divorce? Its obvious you are not committed to your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BM178

s.t. said:


> Sometimes I think it's just infatuation, sometimes I think I've fallen in love. And you can't run away from your heart!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes your feelings may be deceitful. You need to have self-control in the first place. You can't just jump into his arms. I really doubt he's in love with you, he's probably looking for a one night stand! You need to understand, men want sex! Appreciate your husband. If he doesn't treat you bad, you need to stick by him. Do you know how impossible it is to find a good man out there these days?! You won't know what you have until you lose it and then you will run back into his arms. Your heart might be telling you you're in love, but love sometimes isn't everything. You need to look at what you have and what you might lose and destroy. And if someone magically you and your boss are meant to be together, love will find its way. For now, just go back to your husband! Imagine how hurt he would be. You need to reconnect with him, spend time with him. Restore what you had before. This boss this is NOT worth destroying all you've had with your husband.


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## turnera

"Can't run away from your heart" is what a 14 year old says. A mature adult says "what do I need to do, to do the right thing so I don't hurt the people who love me?"

BM is right. At least half the men I know think daily about how to get more sex; it's just built into them. Those who groom, who act on it, are snakes. You CANNOT get love from that person. I hope you can see the difference.

Have you told your husband the truth?


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## Jellybeans

^ Highly doubtful that she has actually told her husband her true feelings.


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## sigma1299

Sounds like the OP is going to have to learn this the hard way to me. Too bad. I hate to see someone signing up for this, but she seems to be on railroad tracks.


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## Jellybeans

Her first post was in February. 

It's June now. 

Shows no signs of stopping. Hopefully she'll just tell her husband what the deal is and get a divorce. Hopefully BossSnake's wife finds out. 

This will end badly.


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## BM178

I wouldn't encourage divorce every time things get rocky. Unless, you have tried EVERYTHING & ANYTHING there is to make the marriage/relationship work, then maybe it's time. I have seen so many marriages on the rock, very bad, but couples work through and things become better than ever! BUT you have to be willing to work of course, not just sit back and watch the partner do all the work. Trust me, anything can work if you're willing. Don't just quit as soon as things get rough, you're just escaping what could potentially be fixed. And in the end it only makes you stronger!


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## VeryHurt

Dear ST ~

Do yourself a favor. Read all my posts and threads.

Very Hurt


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## s.t.

I know a lot of you don't approve and many of you are so kind as to advise me to walk away...but it's difficult! It's immature and yes I know the consequence would be disastrous, that's why I'm not doing anything! I'm just dreaming, writing all this stuff on here and suffering by myself. I still love my husband and he's still very important. I couldn't live without him to be honest. But it's a different kind of love (probably it's a true one) but there's no big flame. 

As said I have been trying to distract myself but its difficult as I see him now and then, and can't help thinking about him. Anyway I'm still trying! Yes it's been months and nothing happens! So its clear that he's not interested and I'm not going to do it. Yes there was moment of weakness and I was really scared I might give in!

Didn't mean to hurt anyone. I don't think I can do that to his wife or children, and I believe he wouldn't either (hence I do have do respect for him). I think we are getting close because we've been working together for almost s year now, and there are not many ppl to talk to about personal things so we end up sharing with each other.

Anyway, I'm working on this! im not good at forgetting it all together but I'm doing quite well in keeping it to myself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Tell your mother.


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## Meerkat Hat

It is good that you haven't done anything about it. But you keep thinking about it. Actions follow thoughts and thoughts follow actions. The more you think about this man, the more your feelings will follow him. Feelings are just feelings; they are fickle and not concrete reality and nothing needs to be done about them. 

If you quit your job, you will have no more contact with this man. You will not have any reason to think about him. He will become fainter in your mind. I can't say it enough. The job is NOT WORTH the problems it's creating. 

If you start acting more lovingly toward your husband, even if you don't feel the flame, it might come back (you'd be surprised). I think you're right that you really love your husband, but the spark is gone. It is up to you to fan the spark. The fun, easy part of relationships only lasts from 6 months to 2 years. You guys have been married for 3! Now it's going to be hard work to keep the flame going. A lot of people jump ship when the fireworks first go away and flit from relationship to relationship for the 'high'. But they miss the real love, the deep love of truly knowing and caring for someone. 

If you give your husband a big hug and a big smile when you come home from work, send him a romantic text during the day, compliment things he does around the house, flirt with him, he will likely respond by doing and saying nice things for you. It may be a little awkward at first, but keep at it. Thoughts and feelings follow action. The more you think of your husband's good points, the more good you'll find in him. Neither of you are perfect, but both of you have lovable qualities or you wouldn't have married in the first place.

Love is in actions and choices and not in feelings. The feelings are just there for us to enjoy as we reap the benefits of our choices.


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## Jellybeans

s.t. said:


> I know a lot of you don't approve and many of you are so kind as to advise me to walk away...but it's difficult! .


It's only as difficult as you want it to be.



s.t. said:


> It's immature and yes *I know the consequence would be disastrous*
> 
> *Yes it's been months and nothing happens!* *So its clear that he's not interested *and I'm not going to do it. Yes there was moment of weakness and I was really scared I might give in!
> 
> Didn't mean to hurt anyone. I don't think I can do that to his wife or children


You sure seem interested in whether he wnats to do it or not. Why do you care if he's interested? 

*You are married. He is married. He is your boss. He has a wife and kids. You have a husband. * 

If you have that great of concern of the consequences this will lead to, you wouldn't even be struggling with this.




turnera said:


> Tell your mother.


Made me :rofl:

No but seriously...what would your mother tell you to do?


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## perfectstranger

*two cents more*

Constructing a fantasy of the perfect man and the perfect life around your boss limits the relationship you can have with your husband.
But if you can label it a crush and have the fortitude to not act on it, no matter what, then you can probably use it in just the way you already have. Whether your boss is some sort of serial sexual predator in the workplace (highly unlikely) or just a midlife crisis looking for a place to happen, he. will. come on to you. Undoubtedly. At some point.
So you have to make the decision from the outset that when the time comes, it's a thanks, but no thanks.
As for all the, "Quit your job, NOW!" suggestions... in the job market today, I think it's extremely naive to think any woman has the luxury of a noble resignation, a brave march out the door, and being able to land another job.


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## Mephisto

No-one else has said it so I will, and risk getting my marching orders.

You are behaving like an idiotic 13 year old girl. Your fantasy is ongoing because YOU perpetuate it. YOU are looking for signs of an 'in' with this man and are foolishly pursuing it. You have made several comments in which you portray yourself as the hunter, and others where he is. You obviously have no clue about reality and are a warped little individual. 

Do whatever the hell you want, but the first thing you have to do is tell your husband and find out what his reaction is. 

Your behaviours are what give women a bad reputation.


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## Mrs.G

Myopia1964 said:


> :iagree: *You must be extremely young and/or immature.* Workplaces are crawling with men like this who prey on your naivete.* Take it from some of us women who've been around the block a few times...when a man tells you "my wife just doesn't understand me," and looks like a downtrodden little boy take note...this is the oldest line in the book sweetie!!! Don't fall for it. This is the opening he will use to gain your sympathy and convince you that you really aren't doing anything wrong by getting involved with him...after all, he's in SUCH an unsatisfying relationship and his wife is SUCH a beotch! *Yada, yada, yada. Truth is, he probably is perfectly happy at home, especially if he has a wife who overlooks or is ignorant of his indiscretions. *When you grow up a little, you'll realize that this is a distinct type of predator and they're everywhere.*If you fall for this, you will eventually realize that you've been had. He has probably pulled this act with every "young thing" that has passed through the office. Please spare yourself the pain and humiliation when you wake up someday and discover that you've been used and thrown over for the next piece of a** that he meets in the lunchroom. You are allowing your ego to convince you that he thinks your special...he doesn't. And you're not.


My aunt fell for this crap when she was a single mom in her forties, so we can be naive and immature at any age. 

S.T, you already know what most of us think. I hope that you are strong enough to walk away and focus on your marriage.


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## Jellybeans

It's like when you can see the train wreckage before it even happens and you're warning someone, don't drive that way...there is a train wreck...traffic's backed up.

But they still keep driving towards it.

That is this thread.


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