# Do I Attempt To Intervene?



## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

Hello everyone. I am writing because I need some honest opinions. I will try to keep this as short as possible and I thank you ahead of time for reading and contributing. I have been separated now for just over a year. My divorce is in progress and may be final as soon as the end of this month. My wife really doesn't talk to me and is essentially the one that gave up.

My dilemma is this...after talking with a few of her friends I have found out that she has completely isolated herself from everybody. She never leaves her apartment and now she isn't even talking on the phone with her friends. I have known all along that she smokes marijuana but I am told she is now doing it ALL the time. I am also told that her friends have reason to believe that she is also hooked on even heavier drugs, possibly prescription. This does not surprise me as she has never really known how to deal with stress and/or anxiety. I am very worried about her and am not really sure what to do.

Part of me says it's no longer my problem and it's not even really my business. In all reality she has shut me out of her life (along with her entire network of friends and family). The other part of me says that I should make her parents aware of this or try in some fashion to get her help. The signs all point to a drug problem (severe weight loss, withdrawal, lack of ambition, irritated etc.) but obviously I have not actually seen it happen so there is a certain level of speculation. I don't want to raise unnecessary concern but I also don't want something bad to happen and feel like I did nothing.

Any input would be greatly appreciated and feel free to ask any questions you may have.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You already made the divorce decision so I'd say it is no longer your responsibility.

If you get personally involved then she will think you are trying to get her back - and I don't know your history - but that will either give her false hope or cause her to withdraw further.

I'd say safest option - tell her parents and let them get involved.


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## baabaablacksheep (Feb 11, 2010)

TNgirl232 said:


> You already made the divorce decision so I'd say it is no longer your responsibility.
> 
> If you get personally involved then she will think you are trying to get her back - and I don't know your history - but that will either give her false hope or cause her to withdraw further.
> 
> I'd say safest option - tell her parents and let them get involved.


Agreed.


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## MerryMerry (Dec 6, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> If you get personally involved then she will think you are trying to get her back - and I don't know your history - but that will either give her false hope or cause her to withdraw further.
> 
> I.


Ok, who CARES what she thinks about your trying to help....isn't it our responsibility as human beings to take care of one another? How would you like to find out that while you were detaching yourself from responsibility because its no longer "your problem" that she overdoses on oxycontins? Why should one's ego or feeling of absolution, or "we're divorcing" stand in the way of helping a person suffering from addiction. I think that's pitiful. No matter what happened in the past, I don't think it's ok to sit idly by while someone you once loved is slowly killing themselves. No..we can't save the world and all the sick people out there, but we can help the people that are put into our lives on an individual basis. You can leave an NA pamphlet on her doorstep, or mail it to her anonymously. You can tell her parents what you've learned and give the problem to them. As a parent I'd surely want to know if my daughter were hurting herself...in fact I'd be really pissed to find out that you knew about it and did nothing to let anyone know. Divorce is an excruciatingly painful experience and people "cope" with it in a lot of unhealthy ways. She needs help, and I'd see this as an opportunity to leave some part of dignity and respect to her by leaving the marriage with compassion for her humanness, not necessarily as ex-husband to ex-wife, but as a caring human being. Unlike the previous post that says it will give her "false hope"...screw that...she NEEDS hope, but the kind of hope that tells her a pill won't fill the void she feels right now. She (and you) can't go _around_ this pain of divorce, you have to go right _through_ the middle of it to get to the other side. Do the right thing.


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## chrs0111 (Jun 29, 2009)

MerryMerry...I wanted to thank you for your response. I do hope you read this. Your post set something off in me that made me realize I need to do something. At this point I have not contacted her parents yet but I have contacted her friends and they are actually deciding what course of action they are going to take next as well. They are just as worried as I.

I do not have to worry about her getting mad at me as we really don't talk now anyway. Surprisingly after calling yesterday she did get back in touch with me last night. She made it sound like everything was great although she did dodge some questions that I think would tell alot about what she's up to. The conversation was short and left me even more confused. Some of what she said was hard for me to believe and I think she may be saying it to cover up what she's really up to...but what if she's not? What if she is really doing these things and actually has received these job offers? The puzzle pieces just don't fit. Why will she not see any of her friends? Why does she always have an excuse to not get together? Why do I keep catching her in all these lies?

This whole situation has made me sick to my stomach. Not only am I dealing with a divorce I never wanted but now I have to worry about this? I don't know how to feel about this? I don't know how to sit back and not know hardly anything and just be OK. I want to help her and see her through this but I can't. I want this off my mind but I can't get it to go away. Any other advice would be great.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call her mother and father.


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## lost2010 (Feb 26, 2010)

I would say go to her parents. I think that since you guys are dealing with divorce, I do not believe she would respond well to you being the one to attempt to help her. There are alot of bad turns that could take. She could develope depending on you-thinking you two will reconcile, her pride could be too big to accept your help- could make your effort counter productive (not htat ANYONE couldn't have that affect, but exes are the last people anyone wants to have to accept help from. Most people probably wouldn't accept help from an ex (there are exceptions of course) because it is in their minds that once you cross into ex zone that means you have to show them you don't need them. Parents on the other hand, no matter how much a person doesn't want to hear it form them- have A LOT of practice in helping their children- they did spend at least 18 years of raising and discipling and helping and loving etc .


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

If you have it in your heart to not see her completely melt down, of course try to do that.
Don't take responsibility for her and don't let her suck you in.
If you get involved, get guidance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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