# Should I be concerned?



## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

I am starting to question the compatibilty of my marriage. My wife has left on a 16 day work trip and a lot has come up for me. We basically have a nonexistent sex life. We average maybe 1 time every other week... My wife cannot seem to have an orgasm when we do have sex and even when I go down on her which I love doing. She says that she can have one when she uses a vibrator but that it has to be extremely powerful... I feel like she often times avoids sex and states that she is too stressed from work. I believe she is a workaholic and it has become a huge turnoff for me. 

I no longer want sex with her... I masturbate all the time and have began fantasizing about other woman that I work with. I would never cheat on my wife and if it ever got to that point I would tell her about my feelings before acting on them. I feel that she does not desire me and complete strangers do. With her being away, a lot has come up. I am worried about our future and feel that we may not be compatible. We have been married 3 years and together for 11. My burning desire is to satisfy a woman and make her cum.

I feel guilty about feeling this way. I dont talk to anyone about this except for my therapist. I do love my wife but I feel she doesnt love me. I feel as if she is married to her work and am completely uselss to her. Am I an @#*hole? Could it be that my wife doesnt love me? Thoughts.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Have you tried going to counseling together?








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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

Sounds a lot like my marriage, except oral gets her off every time, but she will never reciprocate.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

Not yet... I go to an individual therapist and have been for years. She finally started going for individual after I urged her to. She was telling me that I needed to make more money and that she felt that I wasnt able to provide the life she wanted. I was starting my own business and working full time but I guess it wasnt enough for her. After these fights I told her to seek a counselor or I was going to leave.

I know...I think its inevitable at this point.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> Sounds a lot like my marriage, except oral gets her off every time, but she will never reciprocate.


I wish I could get her off. I would trade that for the oral I receive. I feel incompetent. :scratchhead:


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

If your wife is and gets stressed as easily as my wife, it is no wonder it is difficult for her to reach that level of arousal.
Seems like my wife is so bored with her life, she will pretty grab at anything at all to hold onto as something to worry about that takes her focus off of us and onto that issue. It has become tiresome attempting to reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> If your wife is and gets stressed as easily as my wife, it is no wonder it is difficult for her to reach that level of arousal.
> Seems like my wife is so bored with her life, she will pretty grab at anything at all to hold onto as something to worry about that takes her focus off of us and onto that issue. It has become tiresome attempting to reassure her that there is nothing to worry about.


My wife is extremely anal (not the good way)  and rigid. I guess that is an obstacle for being relaxed and letting go... How do you deal with it?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

How often and how long has she been using vibrators? She may need to ditch that thing for a good long while. She may be desensitizing herself with it.

Also, start researching the g-spot and "deep spot". Research it a lot so you know what you're doing and know what she should be feeling. There are other ways besides a clit to get a woman to orgasm. But many have it in their heads that the clit is the only way they can come. And that can be a pretty big hurdle to cross.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

donny64 said:


> How often and how long has she been using vibrators? She may need to ditch that thing for a good long while. She may be desensitizing herself with it.
> 
> Also, start researching the g-spot and "deep spot". Research it a lot so you know what you're doing and know what she should be feeling. There are other ways besides a clit to get a woman to orgasm. But many have it in their heads that the clit is the only way they can come. And that can be a pretty big hurdle to cross.


A couple years now. I tried the G spot and she tells me to stop because she feels like shes going to pee. I have informed her that that is a good sign, isnt it? Good call on throwing out the vibrator. Thanks for all the feedback.:smthumbup:


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You may be putting too much pressure on her to orgasm. Her O is her responsibility, not yours. I think you should be more selfish in bed, and communicate to her that she is responsible to get her own needs met by either telling you or showing you what she wants you to do. Or she should do what she wants during lovemaking. IOW, you want her to have a great time but you are not going to make it your goal to get her to O.

Does she have a history of childhood sex abuse or any kind of sexual assault?


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

Thor said:


> You may be putting too much pressure on her to orgasm. Her O is her responsibility, not yours. I think you should be more selfish in bed, and communicate to her that she is responsible to get her own needs met by either telling you or showing you what she wants you to do. Or she should do what she wants during lovemaking. IOW, you want her to have a great time but you are not going to make it your goal to get her to O.
> 
> Does she have a history of childhood sex abuse or any kind of sexual assault?


Good points. No sexual abuse that I'm aware of. My inlaws are so weird about sex though. Especially my father in law. He gets really uncomfortable when its brought up or on television. They are very conservative and religious.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

If your wife is religious you should wander over to the website themarriagebed dot com. Lots of great info over there on the topic of sex from a Christian perspective. It might help her get over toxic shame about her body and sex.

Have you talked with her about what makes her anxious? My wife is an abuse survivor and so there are a lot of other issues than you are dealing with. She feels very anxious dressing or being naked except in the bathroom. She has never worn any sexy lingerie I bought her. The thing is that I never knew about her anxieties over being seen naked. I was making the wrong conclusion about why. Also I was causing her more anxiety because I was pushing for things she found difficult. Again, because I did not know.

So perhaps your wife would tell you if you asked what makes her anxious or feel pressure with sex. Then you could avoid those things and at the same time she could work on having a healthier attitude about those things.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

Thor said:


> If your wife is religious you should wander over to the website themarriagebed dot com. Lots of great info over there on the topic of sex from a Christian perspective. It might help her get over toxic shame about her body and sex.
> 
> Have you talked with her about what makes her anxious? My wife is an abuse survivor and so there are a lot of other issues than you are dealing with. She feels very anxious dressing or being naked except in the bathroom. She has never worn any sexy lingerie I bought her. The thing is that I never knew about her anxieties over being seen naked. I was making the wrong conclusion about why. Also I was causing her more anxiety because I was pushing for things she found difficult. Again, because I did not know.
> 
> So perhaps your wife would tell you if you asked what makes her anxious or feel pressure with sex. Then you could avoid those things and at the same time she could work on having a healthier attitude about those things.


Good points. Thanks for the feedback. I will check out that website. We are the only people either of us has had sex with. I had a little more experience going into the relationship than she did. I have tried to talk to her and she gets really uncomfortable. She says that she isnt comfortable with her body and has trouble just relaxing period. Wine seems to help her a little. She had way more of a sex drive before she started taking birth control. I just think she isnt in the mood ever and feels that its a "duty" that she doesnt get into.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Try having a few glasses of wine, then start with non-sexual touching, massage. Rub her neck, shoulders, back and help her unwind relax. Don't make it about sex. 

IF she starts relaxing, you can start with kissing those same areas you rubbed, see if it starts warming her up to the idea of sex. 

Sometimes when I'm really wound up and under stress at work, I really need some focused attention to really relax or it just ain't happening! I'll enjoy the sex but will not orgasm because I just can't get my head out of work mode.


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## IndyTMI (Oct 26, 2012)

The problem I have with attempting what TCSRedhead suggested is that my wife is way too traditional when it comes to sex...
Her thoughts on the matter are clear. It must be done in the bedroom, either first thing in the morning or at night when we go to bed. Lights off. If I don't initiate during either of those two times, I ain't getting it. I'd get pushed away if too much kissing ensued.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Try having a few glasses of wine, then start with non-sexual touching, massage. Rub her neck, shoulders, back and help her unwind relax. Don't make it about sex.
> 
> IF she starts relaxing, you can start with kissing those same areas you rubbed, see if it starts warming her up to the idea of sex.
> 
> Sometimes when I'm really wound up and under stress at work, I really need some focused attention to really relax or it just ain't happening! I'll enjoy the sex but will not orgasm because I just can't get my head out of work mode.


I find this helpful. Thank you. I have this unrealistic expection that she is going to want to ravish me and jump my bones. I used to initiate but would get rejected and it was way too anxiety provoking to me. I guess sometimes I have unrealistic expectations and when they are not met I freak out.


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## RM1843 (Oct 26, 2012)

IndyTM said:


> The problem I have with attempting what TCSRedhead suggested is that my wife is way too traditional when it comes to sex...
> Her thoughts on the matter are clear. It must be done in the bedroom, either first thing in the morning or at night when we go to bed. Lights off. If I don't initiate during either of those two times, I ain't getting it. I'd get pushed away if too much kissing ensued.


This is my situation as well. When we were dating, before we were married, we took what we could get. We used to have sex in the car, the pool, the living room, the backyard... When we got married and reality set in things went south. I seriously want to blame it on the birth control pill. She used to be way hornier before the pill. Its almost like she forgets that its been a month since we had sex.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

The Pill is a very likely cause of low libido in her. Do some internet research and you'll find it very common. Perhaps she could use a different non-chemical method like an IUD?

Also, has she had a good check up with her doc? Low thyroid is also a libido killer.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Low libido could also be caused by any of a dozen different common over-the-counter and prescription meds.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RM1843 said:


> *She was telling me that I needed to make more money and that she felt that I wasnt able to provide the life she wanted.*


^^^^^^
This up there is not a good sign. 
Added to everything else, her sexual attraction for you is waning. Its not just the BC pills.

Also she is hooked on the stimulation of the vibrator, and mentally she can't let herself go when you are giving oral to her.
But that too,is connected to the part I highlighted above.


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