# Husband caught cheating, doesn't want to be together now.



## [email protected]

I will start with the fact that I still love him after all we have been through and still want to get back together.

We have been married for 6 years now, together for 10 years. He was having an affair with a colleague from past 2 years which I got to know about in June 2016. He says the affair was more of an emotional one and not a physical one. He feels that we have been drifting apart from past few years and haven't been really like a couple. I was more focused on my career and what not.. Initially when I got to know about the affair he was guilty and wanted nothing more than to be together and makes things better. But when I asked him to break contact with the other girl he seemed hesitant to do that but did anyhow. Few weeks later I found them again being in contact and we got into a big fight. After that day his behaviour is completely changed and he started saying he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore nor for the other girl! he can't stay with me and always feel guilty or under my suspicion. It would be best for us to divorce and have separate lives.

he doesn't want to tell the family yet as 'he is still thinking' but his behaviour with me is completely changed, he seems irritated with me most of the times, doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary, doesn't answer my phone or text. He is trying to convince me to see the logic behind his thought process. He seems to truly believe that there is no going back for us/getting back together. 

But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together. I seriously don't know how should I behave with him, if I always try to talk to him I come across as needy and pushy but if I also don't make the effort we might drift apart evermore!

I have no idea what I should be doing.


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## uhtred

This is a really terrible situation for you. He is entirely at fault, and he doesn't seem to want to really break off contact.

I believe people can have affairs, and then stop, but it doesn't seem like this is what he is doing.


Unless you are willing to live in an open marriage (and very few people are), your best course of action is probably divorce. It just doesn't seem likely that he won't cheat again.


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## ButtPunch

[email protected] said:


> I have no idea what I should be doing.


Does he work with her?

You need to be filing for divorce and implementing the 180 if 
he hasn't broken any and all contact with her.


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## jld

Take him at his word. Divorce.


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## 225985

The way he is treating you is symptomatic of someone still in the affair fog. Likely he is still seeing the other woman. 

He needs to know you won't be his plan B if he leaves the other woman. 

You need to be strong. Not needy. 

By starting divorce is the best way to try to get him back. Assuming you want that.


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## sokillme

[email protected] said:


> But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together.


Why, he has cheated on you and told you he doesn't want to be with you. What makes you think this when all evidence points to otherwise. Have you told us the whole story because from what you told us, this thought that you can be happy sounds like magic thinking. You need to realize you can do better. You don't mention kids, so really what is keeping you. Look up sunk cost fallacy.


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## [email protected]

I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.


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## [email protected]

No kids! We were so good together for so long, its hard to believe that he did this to me and doesn't feel anything now. I feel like a complete fool.


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## GuyInColorado

Stop worrying about what others think. A lot of people don't believe in divorce and are stuck in miserable, sexless, loveless and meaningless marriages. Screw that. 

Count your blessings you have no kids and move on. This is something that you shouldn't have to work around and rebuild from.


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## [email protected]

GuyInColorado said:


> Stop worrying about what others think. A lot of people don't believe in divorce and are stuck in miserable, sexless, loveless and meaningless marriages. Screw that.
> 
> Count your blessings you have no kids and move on. This is something that you shouldn't have to work around and rebuild from.


I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.


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## EleGirl

Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It gives a plan on how to work through this and get him to agree to work on the marriage.


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## Relationship Teacher

[email protected] said:


> I will start with the fact that I still love him after all we have been through and still want to get back together.
> 
> We have been married for 6 years now, together for 10 years. He was having an affair with a colleague from past 2 years which I got to know about in June 2016. He says the affair was more of an emotional one and not a physical one. He feels that we have been drifting apart from past few years and haven't been really like a couple.


He's blaming the victim and justifying his actions, while ensuring the chasm widens.



> I was more focused on my career and what not.. Initially when I got to know about the affair he was guilty and wanted nothing more than to be together and makes things better. But when I asked him to break contact with the other girl he seemed hesitant to do that but did anyhow. Few weeks later I found them again being in contact and we got into a big fight. After that day his behaviour is completely changed and he started saying he doesn't have any feelings for me anymore nor for the other girl! he can't stay with me and always feel guilty or under my suspicion. It would be best for us to divorce and have separate lives.


You have to respect his choices ans actions. Your task is to inform him that you ask him to end it, and that you will not monitor him. This places responsibility on him. If you become the police, then he has no responsibility and will act like it. You also present yourself to be a less desirable mate. There is what works and what doesn't.


> he doesn't want to tell the family yet as 'he is still thinking' but his behaviour with me is completely changed, he seems irritated with me most of the times, doesn't talk to me unless absolutely necessary, doesn't answer my phone or text. He is trying to convince me to see the logic behind his thought process. He seems to truly believe that there is no going back for us/getting back together.


And there might be. He also might be playing you, to get you to drop the scrutiny and Chase HIM.


> But I do not believe this, I still feel we can be happy together. I seriously don't know how should I behave with him, if I always try to talk to him I come across as needy and pushy but if I also don't make the effort we might drift apart evermore!
> 
> I have no idea what I should be doing.


You are implying an ideal, rather than contending with reality.

I recommend you to take responsibility for yourself. That's it. If you love him, then present yourself as willing to work to reconcile. At the same time, make sure that he is responsible for showing up or not. He will play more games to dissuade you. See through them and make sure he takes responsibility. Beg for nothing. Convince him of nothing.

You are a valuable person. Let's make sure a healthy relationship is restored or a healthy and independent single gal is reborn, as the Phoenix.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Herschel

[email protected] said:


> I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.


I guess cheating is acceptable.


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## Herschel

[email protected] said:


> I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.


Move out of the country! Do it if you have to. Happiness is more important than this.


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## uhtred

I'm sorry, that makes it really difficult. 

Unless he is willing to stop contacting the other woman and stop cheating, I don't see what you can do. Marriage requires cooperation from both partners.







[email protected] said:


> I am from a very conservative society where divorce is unheard of! Moreover I still love him and want to try everything to save my marriage.


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.


What country are you in?


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## [email protected]

KillerClown said:


> What country are you in?


I am from India.


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## Married but Happy

I don't know enough about culture and conventions in India to give you good advice. Here, I'd recommend divorce. I do have one woman friend in India whose husband has repeatedly cheated on her (apparently with Bollywood actresses if the gossip is correct). Since her marriage was a mess and she couldn't leave due to social stigma, she quietly had her own affairs these past 20 years. Somehow, they've maintained their public persona as happily married, while each doing their own thing.


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## kavisanjose

Im from India too... if u r not yet a citizn wait until u r then divorce him... or if the other woman is married complain to her husband.. with evidence .. nothing stops an affair more than a confrontation between twomen... good luck


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> I am from India.


If you live in India then I wouldn't have much to say. Divorce would probably not be advisable unless you plan to leave the country in the near future. Personally, I would not be talking to anybody who advises you to put aside your self-worth.

If however you live outside India or will consider becoming an ex-pat then I would have you seriously start planning for a divorce.


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## [email protected]

Thank you all for your advise and making me feel better about myself. Last week he has gone on a business trip for 3 weeks, I was taking my sisters advice and was calling him/texting him and he was responding sometimes (not normal behaviour though). 
But I understand now that with this kind of behaviour I am presenting myself as needy and begging for his attention. Should I stop initiating all contact from my side? Do I behave normally if he calls?


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## sokillme

[email protected] said:


> I don't know if I have the courage and strength to go through this, I am only talking to my sister about this and she is suggesting to forget my self worth and save the marriage. As in our society there is not much of a life/future for divorced women. I might have to move out of the country.


This is why with all the current problems thank God for the woman's movement. Woman in the west have choices.


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## MJJEAN

What you do is expose the affair to EVERYONE. Family, friends, employers..everyone. The public censure should bring him to heel. If it does not, then everyone will know he was the one at fault for the divorce.


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## TheTruthHurts

MJJEAN said:


> What you do is expose the affair to EVERYONE. Family, friends, employers..everyone. The public censure should bring him to heel. If it does not, then everyone will know he was the one at fault for the divorce.




Within the social norms of her society. I don't know but this might have the opposite effect in India.


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## [email protected]

TheTruthHurts said:


> Within the social norms of her society. I don't know but this might have the opposite effect in India.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes, you are right! There might be a road back if it is not exposed but once that is done there is no going back.


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## TheTruthHurts

I am Caucasian but work with mostly Indians, friends are Indian, my kids friends are Indian, etc,

The guys who come here to the USA to work are often very conservative, don't drink, etc. Never talk to women, etc.

After they're here a while they realize our culture is much more open so they have more options.

If you have a support network outside India then consider that as a valid option. Many countries are better for a divorcee.

Do you have marketable skills like IT to allow you a visa to travel abroad?

I realize you are in a bad position. Women can't even be alone in many parts of India without threat of sexual assault. On the other hand, other parts are quite progressive and modern. So another option would be to relocate in India to a more progressive society, if you can integrate culturally,

Sorry you are here 


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## [email protected]

I want to reconcile, I don't think I will be able to survive this...


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## Openminded

If he does agree to remain married, will you be expected to turn a blind eye to future episodes of cheating? Because this may not be the only time.


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## mary35

Within your culture is it a stigma for men to divorce too or just for women?


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## [email protected]

@;


mary35 said:


> Within your culture is it a stigma for men to divorce too or just for women?


Men too, but the blame always falls on women for not being a good wife. Even if your husband cheats its your fault somehow.


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## [email protected]

Openminded said:


> If he does agree to remain married, will you be expected to turn a blind eye to future episodes of cheating? Because this may not be the only time.


That's what I am worried about, what I am agreeing to here? A lifetime of pain and suffering!! I do want to reconcile but not on the term that he is free to cheat as he likes.

It's so hard to accept that he fell out of love so easily and is now ready to ruin both our lives then to try and make it work!


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## mary35

[email protected] said:


> That's what I am worried about, what I am agreeing to here? A lifetime of pain and suffering!! I do want to reconcile but not on the term that he is free to cheat as he likes.
> 
> It's so hard to accept that he fell out of love so easily and is now ready to ruin both our lives then to try and make it work!


Is he asking for a divorce? If he pursues a divorce can you fight it and stop it from happening? Does he want to stay married and still see the girl? Do you think he is still in contact with her? Do you have access to marriage counseling and if you do would he go with you? Have you asked him why he fell out of love with you?

What options do you see for yourself that you can live with?


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## [email protected]

mary35 said:


> Is he asking for a divorce? If he pursues a divorce can you fight it and stop it from happening? Does he want to stay married and still see the girl? Do you think he is still in contact with her? Do you have access to marriage counseling and if you do would he go with you? Have you asked him why he fell out of love with you?
> 
> What options do you see for yourself that you can live with?


He says he needs some more time to think but keeps treating me likes **** all this while. I can fight it but what would I get? I think yes, he is still in contact with her but maintains the statement and he is done with both of us and cannot see his future with anyone of us. He is not ready to go for marriage counselling. 
He fell out of love as we drifted apart in our daily routines and work and he tried to close that distance but as per him I didn't do anything and kept ignoring it. Now he is done with this boring good for nothing marriage.


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## [email protected]

So looks like he reached out to some Astrologer who told him that he would get a divorce by 2019 and have a lovely second wife and life. So I think his mind is made up now.

I don't know how I am going to handle all the family pressure of staying together and what kind of life I will have after divorce.. completely lost..


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## mary35

I am so sorry you are going through this. Can you get some individual counseling on your own? Are there any support groups in your area for young women in your situation?

I am not from India and don't know the culture but in general here are some things you can do to help you not feel so lost:

1. I would strongly suggest you start to do some research to find out your rights. Gather information - as much as you can so that you can make informed decisions on how to proceed and not emotional ones. Google divorce in India or your area. Read articles. Perhaps talk to some attorneys to see how to best protect yourself. If you can, try to find some strong woman who handled a divorce and came out ok and talk to them about what they did and what they would recommend. Information is power, knowing your rights is power, knowing the laws is power. Empower yourself so that you are dealing with facts and not fear!
2. I would not chase after him or come across as needy. But I would let him know that you do not want to end the marriage, that you want to try to work things out with a marriage counselor first before going down the divorce road - but that you will not accept being married to him if he is having an affair. Tell him - that you deserve better than that! Tell him you are willing to work on your part of the troubles in the marriage, but you will not work with him until the other woman is out of his life. (As long as he is in contact with her - he can't and won't work on the marriage) Don't beg and don't lower your standards and expectations. You can be loving, but firm. You can be understanding - but not accepting. You can forgive without condoning. You don't have to accept infidelity - no matter what country you live in. You deserve better!!
3. Start communicating with him in writing, emails or texts. And save them all - what you write and his responses. That way you have a record in case you need it later. Also you can make sure you are saying what you want to say and not reacting emotionally to what he says to you. 
4. Talk to your family and share your concerns. Tell them that you can not accept infidelity - that you deserve to be treated better than that. Make it clear to them your desires. They may put pressure on you to stay married - but in the end it's still your choice. You have the right to do what you feel is best for you - you deserve to do what is best for you. 

Right now - take the power back for yourself. Look in the mirror and tell yourself over and over - I am a good person. I deserve to be happy and loved. I do not deserve to be cheated on. I will not accept less than to have a man who loves me and is faithful to me! Say this over and over until you believe it. 

The laws may be backward in your country, and it may be hard to work around them - but look for people who can help you. I'll bet there are women and or groups who are trying to change things for the better. Try to find them and talk to them to see if they can give you some ideas and help. Good Luck. Again - I am really sorry that your husband is doing this to you! But HE is the one in the wrong - you are still a good person that deserves to be happy and loved. Remember that!!! 

http://india.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/03/22/for-indian-women-divorce-a-raw-deal/?_r=0


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## aine

You sound educated and although you are in India if you are educated you can still carve out a good life for yourself. 
How old are you? What religion are you?

You have nothing to be ashamed about, you ought to tell your own family at least, but gather as much evidence about the OW as you can. YOur family will support you.
Were you the one providing most of the finances to the marriage, if so use that as leverage, an Indian man ought to be able to take care of his wife, not the other way 
around. Find out who the girl is and tell her family, consorting with a married man will be frowned upon.
Do the 180 hard and seek divorce advice, at least see where you stand. Do not offer reconciliation to him, look as if you are taking back control of your life, Begging, offering reconciliation, he will see as weakness and think he can do what he wants. Tell him to go ahead and file for divorce, you are ready. If he doesn't then he is just wanting his cake and to eat it, if he does, then you are better off without him.


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> So looks like he reached out to some Astrologer who told him that he would get a divorce by 2019 and have a lovely second wife and life. So I think his mind is made up now.
> 
> I don't know how I am going to handle all the family pressure of staying together and what kind of life I will have after divorce.. completely lost..


This is war and your husband fired the first shot. You have a moral obligation to protect yourself. 

Open a separate bank account and start stockpiling cash. Your husband is depriving you of a decent life in your own country. He owes you. He took your dowry and is not holding up his end of the bargain.

Look for things on hand you can liquidate for cash. It belongs to you.

Start working on yourself. You should always strive to be the best YOU you can possibly be.

Start making plans to leave the country. This is not a failure on your part. Your husband, your family and your culture failed you. You can start a new life with your pride intact.

Start distancing yourself from your family. They do not have you best interest at heart.

As for your future prospects, be optimistic. If you look outside your culture divorced Indian women are often considered desirable. I know many similar situations in the US where Indian women found happiness outside their culture.

All is not lost. Have courage.


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## [email protected]

aine said:


> You sound educated and although you are in India if you are educated you can still carve out a good life for yourself.
> How old are you? What religion are you?
> 
> You have nothing to be ashamed about, you ought to tell your own family at least, but gather as much evidence about the OW as you can. YOur family will support you.
> Were you the one providing most of the finances to the marriage, if so use that as leverage, an Indian man ought to be able to take care of his wife, not the other way
> around. Find out who the girl is and tell her family, consorting with a married man will be frowned upon.
> Do the 180 hard and seek divorce advice, at least see where you stand. Do not offer reconciliation to him, look as if you are taking back control of your life, Begging, offering reconciliation, he will see as weakness and think he can do what he wants. Tell him to go ahead and file for divorce, you are ready. If he doesn't then he is just wanting his cake and to eat it, if he does, then you are better off without him.


Thank you for the pick me up, I try to keep reminding myself that I am not at fault here and I am a good person. I am actually going for a inner engineering yoga course of 4 days. 

I have provided finance for a house and one other property, paying mortage also for one of them. I don't think he realizes yet that on what grounds he is going to ask for divorce! Indian court doesn't accept anything less than adultery, cruelty etc. they are quite favorable for women (at least in paper).


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## [email protected]

KillerClown said:


> This is war and your husband fired the first shot. You have a moral obligation to protect yourself.
> 
> Open a separate bank account and start stockpiling cash. Your husband is depriving you of a decent life in your own country. He owes you. He took your dowry and is not holding up his end of the bargain.
> 
> Look for things on hand you can liquidate for cash. It belongs to you.
> 
> Start working on yourself. You should always strive to be the best YOU you can possibly be.
> 
> Start making plans to leave the country. This is not a failure on your part. Your husband, your family and your culture failed you. You can start a new life with your pride intact.
> 
> Start distancing yourself from your family. They do not have you best interest at heart.
> 
> As for your future prospects, be optimistic. If you look outside your culture divorced Indian women are often considered desirable. I know many similar situations in the US where Indian women found happiness outside their culture.
> 
> All is not lost. Have courage.


Thank you, appreciate your support. I will need my families support going forward but I can start convincing them to see beyond society norms. It's just no one thinks it would happen to them before it actually happens!! So it will take me time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and piece my life back together.


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> Thank you, appreciate your support. I will need my families support going forward but I can start convincing them to see beyond society norms. It's just no one thinks it would happen to them before it actually happens!! So it will take me time to pick up the broken pieces of my heart and piece my life back together.


I wish you good fortune. You have a lot to offer a man than you give yourself credit for. It is your husband's loss for not seeing it.

As for your family, your parents will come crawling back when there are grand children in the picture.


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## TheTruthHurts

KillerClown said:


> I wish you good fortune. You have a lot to offer a man than you give yourself credit for. It is your husband's loss for not seeing it.
> 
> 
> 
> As for your family, your parents will come crawling back when there are grand children in the picture.



Cultural issues are strong. I would defer to OP on that one. I didn't hear mention of kids - if there are none and OP divorced, she may never get married again and may never have kids.

OP can you see an astrologer and try to get a reading that says you will work it out and bring that to your husband?



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## [email protected]

TheTruthHurts said:


> Cultural issues are strong. I would defer to OP on that one. I didn't hear mention of kids - if there are none and OP divorced, she may never get married again and may never have kids.
> 
> OP can you see an astrologer and try to get a reading that says you will work it out and bring that to your husband?


No kids, he was never ready for kids. I have reached out to an astrologer, waiting for the reading from that one. Not sure at this point what will it say though. I don't even know what I want to hear.

Everyone deserves a partner who would not leave their side what come may, not someone who will leave just like that and would agree to an astrologer and decides how their life should be!!


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> No kids, he was never ready for kids. I have reached out to an astrologer, waiting for the reading from that one. Not sure at this point what will it say though. I don't even know what I want to hear.
> 
> Everyone deserves a partner who would not leave their side what come may, not someone who will leave just like that and would agree to an astrologer and decides how their life should be!!


So he wasn't ready for kids. Even by traditional Indian standards he failed as a husband. 

I agree. You deserve better.


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## [email protected]

As per Indian standards, I failed to give them a baby, it just gives them a reason to divorce. This is a male dominating society where fault always lies with women, no matter what.


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## KillerClown

[email protected] said:


> As per Indian standards, I failed to give them a baby, it just gives them a reason to divorce. This is a male dominating society where fault always lies with women, no matter what.


When you have a child with a new husband then they would see who was at fault. Win-win.


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## TheTruthHurts

KillerClown said:


> When you have a child with a new husband then they would see who was at fault. Win-win.




OP will a divorced woman find a new husband where you live?


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## KillerClown

Look into Secondshaadi.com
Second Shaadi | Second Marriage | ReMarriage | Divorcee Matrimonial


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## [email protected]

So taking all of your advice, I completely stopped calling/messaging him or initiating any contact from my side. Now he calls everyday to simply chat!!! But keeps on hinting in between that there is no future between us and he doesn't want to reconcile!

I talk to him just because I want to reconcile, but I don't get it that if there is no future between us then why does he keeps calling?


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## TheTruthHurts

I am glad you are separating and not pursuing. Perhaps he is getting a taste for life without you. He wants to be in control and walk away from you, but you are detaching first and that's unsettling. If you are willing to be separate and he understands that, then he has to come to terms with that. 

Cheaters, to justify their betrayal, often vilify their spouse and make THEM the problem. Every little thing becomes a big thing and proof that it's the spouses fault for them straying. That's why he was so irritated by everything with you.

Meanwhile the other W is still all fantasy because he only has the good, new, exciting part of the relationship.

Now, he has neither, and that made him angry so he decided to get mad at you both instead of himself.

But with time, with you consistently being you, maybe he has started to see the good he previously had.

I still think you should be your sweet self and continue to make it clear you accept that the marriage may be over. That will make him have to pursue you if he actually wants this to work.

I also think you should still think about making a new life abroad as an option. There are many good men around the world who would love to be with a successful, good woman.

Keep us posted


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## aine

[email protected] said:


> So taking all of your advice, I completely stopped calling/messaging him or initiating any contact from my side. Now he calls everyday to simply chat!!! But keeps on hinting in between that there is no future between us and he doesn't want to reconcile!
> 
> I talk to him just because I want to reconcile, but I don't get it that if there is no future between us then why does he keeps calling?


Stop entertaining his phonecalls and 'chatting' with him, he is having his cake and eating it. Having you on a rope while doing what he wants. Ask him is there something 'official' he needs to talk about? He is probably trying to keep you sweet so you wont proceed with divorce, do not settle for crumbs.


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## Satya

He's not going to invest in you, so why are you wasting your time with him? 

Next time he calls, ignore.


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## [email protected]

I believe that is what he is doing, having his cake and eating it too. When he gets bored or feels lonely he calls me for time pass and when he doesn't he just ignores! huh what a douche bag and selfish prick!

Last time we spoke he was of the notion that ours is a Karmic relationship and he should be with me to balance his karma so in next life he can do better than what he did in this! Like cheating a**es can balance is just by staying with the one they married and still cheating the entire while..

I am left wondering who did I actually Married & Loved?? People change and he is the definition of that fact I guess...


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## TheTruthHurts

[email protected] said:


> I believe that is what he is doing, having his cake and eating it too. When he gets bored or feels lonely he calls me for time pass and when he doesn't he just ignores! huh what a douche bag and selfish prick!
> 
> 
> 
> Last time we spoke he was of the notion that ours is a Karmic relationship and he should be with me to balance his karma so in next life he can do better than what he did in this! Like cheating a**es can balance is just by staying with the one they married and still cheating the entire while..
> 
> 
> 
> I am left wondering who did I actually Married & Loved?? People change and he is the definition of that fact I guess...




Maybe have him over for dinner with some "special" ingredients so he can go immediately to that next life 


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## [email protected]

TheTruthHurts said:


> Maybe have him over for dinner with some "special" ingredients so he can go immediately to that next life
> 
> hahaha, that is a tempting suggestion!  I wish


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## aine

[email protected] said:


> TheTruthHurts said:
> 
> 
> 
> Maybe have him over for dinner with some "special" ingredients so he can go immediately to that next life
> 
> hahaha, that is a tempting suggestion!  I wish
> 
> 
> 
> Please Broken13, stop contacting him, stop chatting with him. Ignore his calls, change your number, show him you are worth more than the crumbs he is giving you. Men like this never change, don't hold out in hope. I know you may well stayed married due to culture, but that does not mean you cannot move on with your life, even discretely date others.
Click to expand...


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## turnera

Read up on basic psychology. He feels empowered because of your society. He feels empowered because he has two women fighting for him. He feels empowered because he is pretty sure you're going to kiss his ass to keep him. So he treats you poorly.

You want him to respect you and not cheat? Stop kissing his ass. We chase what we can't have, we want what we can't have; we ignore and treat poorly that which is thrown at us.

So stop throwing yourself at him. Show him you respect yourself too much to compete for his affection; if he doesn't want you and only you, well, you can do better. You WILL do better. 

Make sure he sees that. THEN he will want you. Once you get the relationship back to a balance, you can discuss your future. 

In the meantime, read the book His Needs Her Needs. So you'll understand what a healthy relationship would look like. If it turns out that he's ready to respect you again, you can discuss that healthy relationship. 

That said, you admit that you put your career first and you took him for granted. Are you willing to repair that? Marriage comes before career. And you have to keep dating for as long as you're married, in order to stay 'in love.' More psychology stuff that you can read about.


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## jb02157

As long as he knows that you want to get back together irregardless of his cheating, he'll just keep on doing it. Whether you like it or not, you have a open marriage where he's the only one exploring options unless you divorce him to end it.


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## *Deidre*

[email protected] said:


> So looks like he reached out to some Astrologer who told him that he would get a divorce by 2019 and have a lovely second wife and life. So I think his mind is made up now.
> 
> I don't know how I am going to handle all the family pressure of staying together and what kind of life I will have after divorce.. completely lost..


You will have a better life with this jerk out of it...trust me.  Sorry you have been treated so poorly.


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## SunCMars

[email protected] said:


> I still love him after all we have been through and still want to get back together.
> I have no idea what I should be doing.


I hear your pleas.

I see your plight.

I feel your fright.

You have boarded up your windows and barred the door.

I stand here without a pry bar to set you free. 

Can you loan me a claw hammer?

If you do so I will set you free.


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## [email protected]

All of you all lovely people, you were so right! As soon as I started talking to him again he started treating me like **** again!! Not going to make the same mistake twice.

Yes I am ready to put all the work required in this marriage but not when I am treated like trash.. This feels more like fight between my heart and my mind. But I think our relationship is so broken that its beyond repair, there is no trust, no real love, no compassion.

I think its time to explore other options.


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## arbitrator

*Love in a committed marriage is most definitely a "two-way street!"

Judging solely from your story, I sense only deception and not cohesion!

You deserve far better out of life as God fully intended for it to never be lived the way your H has!

Take him at his word, divorce him, cut him off, and find some better man out there who will truly love and cherish you for who you are!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## [email protected]

So the entire world wished Happy Anniversary I smiled and acted happy! I am not talking to him now - no contact initiated. But he would be back from US soon and then while living under the same roof life is going to get whole lot more difficult for me.

My parents still want me to reconcile.:crying:


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## turnera

They always do. It's all about appearances to them. And to be honest, by the time you are an older person, it's kind of a tradeoff - you've already invested this much time, why leave; that kind of thing. But you're young. You have your whole life ahead of you. Do you need to apply for a visa or something?


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## [email protected]

I have visa, can travel through work itself. But need to convince family first.


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## turnera

Why do you have to convince them? You're an adult. Just book a flight.


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## TheTruthHurts

turnera said:


> Why do you have to convince them? You're an adult. Just book a flight.





That's a bit simplistic, don't you think? It would be best to maintain a support system. And changing cultures is a huge life decision (which I support BTW).
@[email protected] do you think your parents can be brought around to support you in this? I know many older generation Indians are very conservative and grew up in a very different, closed country. 

It is the same here - many older generation Americans let their learned and institutionalized racism slip as they get older - off-hand comments here an there - not feeling racist but exposing the past underbelly of our racist past.

That's why I ask - even progressive-minded older Indians might have a real internal struggle with your situation and hope you accept the situation and just make the most of it.

I encourage you to keep the door open to your sister and parents, and bring them along, but do make plans to take care of yourself as your real "plan A". That means preparing to embrace a new, bigger world, getting visas lined up, making contacts, etc. 

If necessary, directly ask for help here as there probably are TAM members who influence hiring decisions at their companies and might be able to help.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TheTruthHurts

Reread your last post - since you have the visa already then make plans to put yourself first now.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## AVR1962

He was capable of an affair that lasted 2 years. I would not believe him when he says that he was mostly emotional. His focus was on her and if he is capable of this now he will do it again. You might not want a divorce and you have come from abackground where divorce is frowned upon but I can almost guarantee you that this behavior will be what your marriage will end up being.

I was with my ex for 27 years and he was a cheat, always claiming the women he had been with were just emotional affairs. It was one girl after the other and he never showed interest in me. He was too preoccupied in getting the ladies to laugh at his jokes and make him feel like he was amazing. He had to have that constant attention. Home life was too much obligation, he just wanted what was fun.

Do yourself a big favor and find a real good counselor that will help you figure all this out. Staying with a serial cheater is emotionally heartbreaking.


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## [email protected]

AVR1962 said:


> He was capable of an affair that lasted 2 years. I would not believe him when he says that he was mostly emotional. His focus was on her and if he is capable of this now he will do it again. You might not want a divorce and you have come from abackground where divorce is frowned upon but I can almost guarantee you that this behavior will be what your marriage will end up being.
> 
> I was with my ex for 27 years and he was a cheat, always claiming the women he had been with were just emotional affairs. It was one girl after the other and he never showed interest in me. He was too preoccupied in getting the ladies to laugh at his jokes and make him feel like he was amazing. He had to have that constant attention. Home life was too much obligation, he just wanted what was fun.
> 
> Do yourself a big favor and find a real good counselor that will help you figure all this out. Staying with a serial cheater is emotionally heartbreaking.


I can totally understand what you are saying and agree with you. He has been a constant flirt wanting validation from other women all his life and I don't think he is going to stop. He has already found a "very good friend" there who is helping him in this difficult time of his life. Why did I ever fall for him I don't know. But the heartache doesn't go away how much ever I try...


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## turnera

It will, with consistent therapy on your part, and with you forcing yourself to go out and get a new life that's better than you had before. Are you taking those steps?


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## onepotatotwo

I don't know u personally, so I can only say what I would do, and that's get rid of him and work on myself. I went through years of abuse and all kinds of stuff with my exH, and the best day of my life was when I marched my happy little ass into the court and filed my divorce papers myself. He had walked out on me while my father was dying, and left me with bills and it was this huge drama...but that day I took my power back and I've never regretted it. I filed the second round of papers, went to court and got my divorce. I felt so empowered cuz I did it myself and I took control to say I'm not living this way any longer...I'm worth more.

My exH wants to reconcile...or at least come sniffing around grumbling about his sad lonely miserable life. Not my problem...period. I act like I'm fine despite my own family issues and whatnot...I won't let him see me suffering. I go to therapy and group at least weekly to help with my trauma and abuse issues. I've never felt this close to my old self.

So, feel free to use my example if it helps you. I know the feelings of confusion because I had them for a very long time. But when I took steps to protect ME and did things that were in MY best interest, it all just fell into place. My only real advice is people don't change unless they work hard in therapy over a long time...like I'm doing and have been doing. If your H isn't doing that, it's gonna be the same stuff again with him. If you focus on you and healing you and always doing what is best for you, you'll realize the right path to take with H. Focusing on yourself helps get you out of the pattern of worrying about how he feels, what he wants....forget him, worry about YOU. You'll make better decisions when you put your interests first. Also get a strong support system...friends, family, counselors, etc because they can help you feel like you're not going out into the world alone...like H is your only source of support...keep your ties to strong people who care about you.

Wishing you peace and success in whatever you choose to do.


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## SunCMars

Can someone post the 180 steps for @Broken13 ?

Thanks.


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## WoundedTiger

Hi [email protected] First all sorry about your situation. I know India very well and understand what you are talking about. I think you need to come over here for sure. Let me give you some positive words.

*Here you would be a single Indian girl with no kids. Pretty darn appealing to most guys over here. 

*A totally new place is what would give you back all your strength. You will be so preoccupied with settling down that soon enough your STBX will be like the snow (I've been to Himachal, LOL) that fell last year. This is nothing and you will be super happy here is my guess.

*Keep your cards close and just LEAVE with stealth once you have some logistics overview. 

*Do you know anyone over here already that can help you out? If not look at the map, find some good place and try to find a few new friends on a meetup forum or something like that. I would probably stick to girlfriends at this point, because you may not want to get into something else too fast until you know what the He11 is going on with your inner balance.

*Besides NY, I feel the West coast is the most diverse area in USA. Seattle, Portland, LA sounds like places to explore. 

*You are a single Indian woman. Not gonna be a problem for you to find anything here for sure. Just build yourself up strongly first so you avoid or minimize the risk of a new asss entering your life. We had several Indian girls in medical school and I remember all the gories working hard to date any of them. At the same time, the Indians always knew their stuff.

Final question, you said you were an engineer. What is "inner engineering yoga"? Or is it like the Yog of inner engineering? Vastu architecture? Mechanical or electrical engineer?

Stay strong and get tough. Bring your inner alpha and Indian female hotness out along with the brain power and the world is yours.

JAI MATA DI


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## [email protected]

So he is back from his abroad trip and behaving same as he was before he went, well may be a little better. He doesn't talk about separating now, haven't come out and told anyone that he wants to separate.

But he keeps to himself, doesn't share anything or talks, not even generic stuff. I don't know what he wants but I am sure he wants me for the world and her for himself  Classic *******. 

I can't leave him that's that. I have to put up with this even if this is for life. I just don't know how to make it hurt less every day, every minute and every second of the day


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## AVR1962

[email protected] said:


> So he is back from his abroad trip and behaving same as he was before he went, well may be a little better. He doesn't talk about separating now, haven't come out and told anyone that he wants to separate.
> 
> But he keeps to himself, doesn't share anything or talks, not even generic stuff. I don't know what he wants but I am sure he wants me for the world and her for himself  Classic *******.
> 
> I can't leave him that's that. I have to put up with this even if this is for life. I just don't know how to make it hurt less every day, every minute and every second of the day


Why do you feel you have to stay with him and put up with this?


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## turnera

[email protected] said:


> I can't leave him that's that.


Why?


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## aine

[email protected], India is no longer the India of 30 years ago. You can leave him and go and work overseas and before doing that, get a PI and tell them get photos of him with her, tell his parents, tell your parents, have a job lined up overseas and leave.


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