# full story Monterin law killed marriage or did he



## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

I am seeking impartial opinions from both ladies and gentlemen: I am sorry this is so long but I need people to give opinions based on full disclosure. my prior post may have been to short. 

I married a man who has had one prior marriage, lived with his parents and helped them out financially. Upon our engagement, my family and I invited and hosted his family for an introduction dinner, Easter and Thanksgiving. Although I did invite them for Christmas, they did not come and after they learned that they were not included for Christmas Eve at my ill Grandmothers, I was told they wouldn’t be coming for Christmas day as I had “ruined thanksgiving for their other adult son” by not having his traditional stuffing from a local store. The following Easter my mother in law decided to have the holiday at her house- I was not invited. 

For the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, I was told that his mother insisted on hosting, but that I would have no say (we had wanted the rehearsal dinner to be small just immediate family and bridal party) no his mother wanted all her of town guest but did not want to include my Grandparents (I am extremely close with them and since I was raised by a single mother, my Grandfather would be dancing the father daughter dance with me.) My mother offered a compromise, she would host a small rehearsal lunch for immediate family and bridal party and his mother could host the rehearsal dinner and invite who she wanted. Two weeks before the wedding She sent me an email stating she was cancelling the rehearsal dinner as she “would not be up to doing a do” after being out for lunch and then to church for the rehearsal. As it turns out she did host a party at her home the night of the rehearsal and served/catered dinner for out of town guest, her family and my husband – I was NOT invited. She justified this by claiming it wasn’t a rehearsal dinner but a bachelor party - guests to this “Bachelor party” included grooms mother, sister, and aunts. 

The following day the groom and a group of male relatives went on a golf outing. A the rehearsal lunch she showed up in a wrinkled green tee shirt, with a puss and pout, when I gave her a gift I had bought for her, she didn’t even say thank you.

At the wedding she literally snarled at me as I was walking down the aisle and as we were taking our vows (well documented on video and still pictures) she snubbed me on the receiving line. And refused to speak to me during the reception but snarled at me every chance she got. She showed up at the after party for about 5 minutes and loudly announced that she wouldn’t be staying because she was in too much pain as the places I selected for the wedding had too many stairs and she needed to go home to bed. Fact – She had a number of guests back to her house for her own after party. 

Years passed and we were expecting our first child, that Christmas she wanted my husband to go to Florida to spend the holiday with HIS family. I didn’t go for several reasons, 1 I didn’t want to fly in the first trimester, I didn’t want to spend the holiday with people who have displayed nothing but distain for me in 4 years, and that I had final exams on the dates my husband was expected to be there before Christmas. My husband decided to go and he spent the holiday with HIS family, not his pregnant wife. 

My mother hosted a surprise baby shower for me and did not invite his mother; my husband called my mother and asked about why his mother didn’t get an invite. My mother explained that she made the decision because 1- his mother seems to like to do things separate from our family 2- she wanted me to enjoy the day and not be stress with his mother being there pouting and making faces at me 3- My mother just wasn’t comfortable hosting his mother anymore. My mother told my husband that if his mother was upset she would be happy to speak to her and explain that the decision was hers alone.

My mother in law was away when our baby was born but my husband had her on speaker phone so she could hear him announce our son’s arrival in the hospital waiting room to my mom and sister. She was invited to the christening and did show up at the church an sat in the front row, the row reserved for the baby’s parents and godparents (I assume this was just her ignorance of etiquette) during the service when I was standing on the alter holding my son, she was snarling at me throughout the service. After the service she repeatedly announced that she wanted pictures with her, my husband and the baby only and I want this in the background so “my name, you have to move” she showed up an hour late to the party at my house and she, her husband and other son were the ONLY guests that did not congratulate me, offer help, thank for being invited or some other pleasantry. After she her husband, my husband, and his brother ate, My husband, ever eager to please his mom brought her the baby, which she held for under three minutes then placed on face down on the dirty plastic tablecloth on a plastic table on uneven grass, my husband sat there and did/said NOTHING. Upon seeing this I walked over picked up my son and said I’ll burp him. Her evil eyes and junk yard scowl followed me across the yard. My husband responded by later pulling the baby from my mother’s arms. This is an ongoing habit every time His mother pulls a stunt, he attempts to stir trouble with or insult my mother. 

Fast-forward a few months, my husband wants to take the baby to her for Christmas (remember Last Christmas while I was pregnant he actually went to Florida alone to spend Christmas with his mother and family) I said no because after the Christening we together agreed that she owed me an apology and that this year Christmas was mine and the baby’s. I had also just buried my beloved Grandfather. I had told my husband that I saw no hope for this marriage his only concern seems to be trying to win his mother’s love and approval, and he sacrifices me at every turn, he stated he thought there was hope for our marriage and said he agreed his mother had no true interest in being Grandma, and that she owed me an apology for her behavior. He also agreed he owed my mom an apology (he still hasn’t done that). 

We have been going to counseling, and even the counselor has stated that my husband just doesn’t want to see his mother for who she is or what she does. My husband pushed and pushed and repeatedly requested a sit down with his mother to get everything out on the table, he repeatedly stated he did not expect to resolve things he just wanted everything out on the table. At counseling he agreed he did not think this would resolve anything but he wanted everything out on the table. I stated and he agreed that I wasn’t going to get into a long discussion about past events until she apologized for her behavior at the Christening. He asked me what I was going to say and I said “I am very angry about your behavior at the christening, you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” My husband stated he was fine with me saying that, exactly that – honestly since his mother intimidates everyone in his family I think he thought I would back down and not use that term. 

In January She showed up for the sit down at my home, and came with a real attitude (my husband agrees she had a major attitude and was rude) She growled at me and made a couple of nasty remarks, My husband asked me to tell her why I was upset about her behavior at the Christening I said “you were snarling at me and the baby like a junk yard dog” She jumped up and screamed “that’s just my face”, I produced a picture of her snarling (1 of many that I have) and asked” is this your face, is this what you want the baby to associate with you” to which she grabbed the picture, threw it at me and started screaming” F%$# You, F%$# You, F%$# your whole family” I walked to the door opened it and told her to “Get out of my house” She continued to scream her F%$#’s and stated “YOUR HOUSE, NO this is (Husbands Name) HOUSE”. I repeated “GET OUT of my house” My husband stood up and was saying Mom please calm down, calm down, When she finally walked out the door still screaming my husband stood in the doorway blocking me from closing the door once he finally moved and I closed the door he started yelling at me that it was all my fault, I should have been nicer, “I know that’s what you said you were going to say but you should have been nicer” 

After 4 years of him allowing his mom to treat me like crap and him defending her and making himself look damn foolish with the excuses he makes up to excuse her behavior, I had had it I told him he would hear from my attorney, we are getting a divorce. I left. 
After I left, my husband claims he called his mother and “laced into her”. But a week later after I went twice more to counseling with him, he told counselor his mother was out of line that night, that he was wrong to blame me, and that he wanted to make our marriage work. A week later, by accident I learned that the night of the sit-down after I left my husband actually went to “visit his brother” (who he himself has repeatedly stated he is not close too) who happens to live with monster in law and that night he delivered the Christmas gifts he had for his Mom, Dad and brother. But yet he insists he doesn’t want a divorce and wants us to work thing out. Now here’s where I need opinions: DOES anyone else think it was inappropriate for him to deliver gifts to his mother within hours of his mother screaming F%$# you F%$# you to his wife, and still adamantly claim he defends his wife and doesn’t want a divorce???


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## Proud Mom and Mom in law (Jan 22, 2012)

Before I answer your question, I wish to say I am sorry you have been hurt by your husband and his mother for so many years. If your recall of the events is accurate, your husband is a very weak little boy, and is not capable of being a husband or a Daddy until he works out his issues with his mother. There would be hell to pay; from me - if any of my sons allowed anyone to treat their wives the way your mother in law has treated you. I raised my boys to be men their father would be proud of. It sounds like your mother in law is jealous of you and tries to heal herself by attempting to ruin anything beautiful in your life. You dont say how old your husband is but if you have been married for 4 years he must be at least 23, certainly old enough to behave like a man. HE not you should have stood up to his mother years ago. HE not you should have insisted his mother leave when she cursed at you. HE not your mother should have explained why she was excluded from the shower, HE not you should have should have removed the baby from the table, HE not you should have explained to her the fact that HE is a married man and if she continues to treat you with mean intentions HE will cut her off. HE should have told her Thank you for raising me, but I am a man now and my wife and son come first. GET THE POINT! HE never should have asked for the sit-down. You write that he knew you were planning to use term "like a junk yard dog" before the meeting, and still wanted the meeting. Sounds like he was looking for you to be the man he is incapable of being, he wanted YOU to stand up to his mother. 

I have 3 sons, two of whom are married, to ladies I am blessed to now call daughters. I expect my sons to protect my new daughters from any harm, emotional or physical. Its hard to leave when you have a young child, but it does sound like a very unhealthy envirnoment to raise a child. 

Saddly your husband is headed for a lonely sad life, but thats his own doing. You need to take care of yourself and your son. I pray you find a man who will love you and your son and help you forget the pain of this disfunctional family. God bless you


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lilly,
I agree that your MIL seems to be behaving in an angry way. But you are not exactly innocent in all of this. 
For example the rehearsal dinner: According to wedding etiquette, it is hosted by the groom’s parents. They are the hosts, they pay for it, and they can invite anyone they want and throw any kind of dinner/party they want. It’s their son’s wedding too and they get to make the dinner as small or as large as they want. It is the only part of the wedding that the groom’s family gets to plan and do their own way. It was ungracious of you to have your mother host a separate rehearsal dinner/party. 
Your MIL not inviting your grandparents is an obvious snub and out of line. Your husband should have put his foot down and insisted that they were invited. And your grandparents should have never been told that they were not originially invited. Their being left out was an obvious snub in retribution for the non-invite for Xmas eve. That was petty on your MIL’s part. 
If you had graciously gone to the rehearsal dinner/party his parents held much of this problem would have never occurred. 
After you snubbing her for the rehearsal dinner it’s no surprise that she was upset at the Christening. You owe her a huge apology for snubbing her rehearsal dinner/party and throwing your own. 

IMHO, you need to back off some of this. Your husband is caught between a mother and a wife who are not behaving very well. The two of you (you and MIL) have locked horns and by golly neither of you are going to be the first to extend an olive branch.

You need to heal this. Why? Because if you want to not raise you children in a broken family and be overly influenced by a MIL who is angry at you for the rest of her life.. YOU need to be the first one to put out the olive branch. A letter to her might be the best way to do it. One in which you apologize for what you have done wrong and beg for her forgiveness. One in which you do not mention all of her faults. Why? Because as soon as you mention her faults and all that she has done wrong you will have lost all ground. The question is, do you want to be right or do you want a healed family?

And your husband needs to tell his mother that he will not tolerate her being angry and nasty to you. That you are ready to end the war and have apologized to her. That he hopes one day she will apologize to you for what she’s done… like the snarling bit. But that if she wants to see her grandchildren she will treat you well, invite you to everything she invites him to. And that he will no longer go to her place without you for holidays.


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## Lily Rose (Jan 22, 2012)

Thank you for your comment, however, I was NOT invited to the rehershal party my inlaws hosted! I was told she cancelled it. My mother hosted a small lunch before the rehershal. Yes tradition does hold that the grooms family hosts the rehersahl dinner, but I have never seen anything that affords them the opportunity to snub the bride, the brides mother, sister and grandparents.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Lily Rose said:


> Thank you for your comment, however, I was NOT invited to the rehershal party my inlaws hosted! I was told she cancelled it. My mother hosted a small lunch before the rehershal. Yes tradition does hold that the grooms family hosts the rehersahl dinner, but I have never seen anything that affords them the opportunity to snub the bride, the brides mother, sister and grandparents.


From what you said you were invited to the rehersal party at first. But after you had your mother host a rehersal whatever they changed it to a bachelor's party.


In your OP you said that they did not invite your grandparents in the original guest list to the party. This is when your husband should have stood up and said that your grandparents HAD to be invited.



Lily Rose said:


> For the rehearsal dinner for our wedding, I was told that his mother insisted on hosting, but that I would have no say (we had wanted the rehearsal dinner to be small just immediate family and bridal party) no his mother wanted all her of town guest but did not want to include my Grandparents (I am extremely close with them and since I was raised by a single mother, my Grandfather would be dancing the father daughter dance with me.) My mother offered a compromise, she would host a small rehearsal lunch for immediate family and bridal party and his mother could host the rehearsal dinner and invite who she wanted.


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## yeya (Jan 23, 2012)

There is an old saying that "you have to go to war to understand peace" . In this understanding lies the possibility of preventing future wars and maximize peace. The goal should be to avoid ever having to go to war rather than to win a war.
This is a place for opinions. No one really speaks to their experiences or basis for their opinions. When there is this much to lose in your situation with no real guaranteed freedom from future heartache, it would be nice to know where others are coming from as they provide there advise and opinion. If one were to keep it simple then i suspect the question of "will you be better off without the spouse?" If your asking I suspect you have not made your mind up. hats off to you because you are a mother and thats a game changer. 
I have been married 2 x. at frst for 10 yrs w/ a MIL that believd I was not sufficiently educated, catholic and aristocratic enough for her. She said it once, we married anyway, she never interfered again, she kept her manners and dignity in every situation yet the marriage failed due his drug addicition and physical abuse. My second marriage is beyond 20 years now, my deceased mother in law was happy for her son... period. I have one son,experienced my my issues in letting go and empty nest but he loves and married a woman who makes him incredibly happy and as a mother a cant imagine wanting anything more. My monster was my own mother. I was in my thirty's with a toddler before I managed to confront her ..defy her and begin to establish clear boundaries. AND I faced her alienation, dispicable malicious acts of hatred and I survived. She will never change but she has recognized she needs me more than I needed her. And she realized it is far better to have her childen be near out of their free will then out of fear. And I did need her, and I thought i would never come to terms with her dependance and manipulation of me while being the worst example of a woman I have ever known. This has taken twenty years of my life. This drama stole from me my ablity to parent fully, to cultivate other heathy relationships until i drew my line in the sand. Fast forward ...in the twenty years i have been with my husband I have experienced many of the similar situations you described but the maliciousness came from my adult step children while their father stood by and watched, defended them and betrayed me time and time again. I finally realized that for me it had more to do with me than any of the really impossibly hard people and situations I have dealt with over the years. When I gave myself permission to feel as I felt I know longer needed by in from my husband to see the disrespect and hypocrisy he defended. Yes it changed me . I was finally able to live my life without them as the focus. I had allowed these family members to have so much power over my life and my marriage and they were winning. BUT THEY LIVED IN ANOTHER STATE!! I kept up with every detail, rumenating in my rage for so long while they all appeared unaffected. The reality is living right is truly the best revenge. All parties involved have lost so much more than I EVER thought I had lost . My husband now realizes similar to my mother what he lost and why.Does he readily admit it ? Of course not completely. He knows that he is treated now as he chooses to treat me.But I am no longer taunted by their relationship. Yes I will never fully trust him, yes I have lost a tremendous amount of respect for him. But once I realized what was behind the pathetic choice to be a buddy to his children at any cost and why well i just feel sorry for him. I really believed i would awaken one day void of any love for him and leavet I am strong and capable and independant but I am here because I still love him. I can see measures on his part being taken to regain my respect and trust again .I choose to stay because i love him and learn all I can, get stronger , more insightful with every lesson. I am a faithful person and know there is a purpose in this somehow. Change the name and the face and there will b one difficult person or another for both you and your child to deal with in this life. Sure we should pay attention and show dilligence in not inviting these elements into our lives. Yes we should take all measures to surround ourselves with goodness in our lives. I suspect that when your husband sees you and your son thriving,experincing joys and loving inspite of him and his mother he will have to ask himself if he'd rather have a piece of that joy, the woman he requested as a life partner and who he CHOSE to have his family with or the miserable existence of being son to a woman that will NEVER be a mother. She bred and she procreated . that just makes her fertile but this woman is not a mother when she cannot see her sons happiness before her own.To him i will say this : THIS IS YOUR CHANCE BUD to break the cycle, accept the tremendous blessing and second chance you have to create a strong family, express nothing but goodwill towards you wife and child and focus ONLY on the welfare of your child. This horrific poison and piss poor example of a mother you didnt sign up for is consumed with rage and the need to control. i understand anger is fueled in fear and pain. YOU DID NOT CAUSE YOUR MOTHERS PAIN, Do not allow her to succeed in complete estrangement of one more family in your lives. I suspect she has managed to accomplished this on other occasions succesfullly without argument when she and your father began their family and I will bet dad chose to allow her to do this, to keep all of you from knowing ohters or all of your family. Its as though everyone outside is a percieved theat to her and her control over all of you is what she exists for. Her childhood issues , finances, health are for her and your father to deal with. These are not issues for her children. Ask yourself if your siblings and their partners are actively involved in your parents lives or do they choose to live far away or keep there private lives away from her? I suspects she has unreasonble exectations of what you are obligated to her for. You are not her husband .. she has one! You are not her father , you are a father to your child ! If you survived her abuse this long you will survive the recovery... if you want to.My son has an obligation to live his life responsibly, be a contributing member of society and be a loving and faithful husband. He has No obligation to me. The best gift a parent can give their child is wings. That freedom to cultivate your life with your next family of your wife and child is yours if you will allow it. It will not happen without support. DO NOT MISTAKE support for an endorsement of you choice to wuss out instead of manning up. Your mother will have a choice to make, NOT you > Love her but firmly tell her to mind her own business. Find your lane son and stay in it. You roll with your wife and child. Detach with love from your first famly, go to alanon, read the book boundaries whatever it takes because this wife of yours clearly gets that she is second or third in your life. That will not play out well. I suspect she is more than capable of taking care of herself and your child but has preferred a life with you until now Keep ****ing around, because it is only a matter of time b4 another man recognizes your trash for his treasure while you hopelessly try to please a women who will never be satisfied until her little boy is back at home, subsidizing her senior years but can no longer find his balls because he has dedicated is life to mama. Oh BOY AINT THAT ATTRACTIVE, I cant think of a better way to sabotage future prospective spouses. PAy now or pay later my friend. To the lady of the house my prayers are truly with you. remember advise is fine but trust yourself truly.... be true and kind to yourself. You are on no ones clock, take the time you need and listen to yourself at the end of the day. If it is too confused, ask for clarity, calm and peace, nuzzle your child and breath. Your prayers will be answered. Best of luck.


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