# Going through limbo stage of no contact separation...



## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

Hello, I have been married for almost 4 years now and am going through a separation initiated by my wife. A little over a month ago, my wife and I had an argument. It was one of those that was festering for some time; especially on her end. I had been working a lot and didn't give her the attention she deserved/needed. We ended up arguing over something small that day and it grew into something much bigger. It got to a point where she called some family that lives in the area to come pick her up. The problem is that once that happened, her family got involved as did mine. During this time, she lied and said that I had physically abused her. She has since backed away from that accusation slightly by saying that the "physical abuse" was "just pushing" which it wasn't as I have never laid a hand on her. The family that picked her up was my cousin and his wife. The next day, my cousin requested that the both of us meet (with him there) to talk about our issues. Once we met, she requested a two-month separation where we would do counseling and I would also do anger management on my own. I did not feel that I needed anger management as when I get upset, I tend to shut off. However, I do admit that small things make me upset and cause me to shut down towards her. Therefore, I agreed with the anger management to save my marriage. During this month, I have learned, through her parents, that she leased a room (not sure how long) at school (She is a Senior in college). Now, I have also learned that she isn't ready to go to counseling together and would like no contact during our separation. She wants six months with little to no contact so we can take time to reflect on the issues. She has spoken at one time or another to a mutual friend and to someone in my family. Both times she stated that she still wants to work this out but is scared to come home at this point and needs time. She didn't take much when she moved out and still hasn't come back for the rest of her things. My question is, do people do no-contact separations for an extended period of time like six months and still want to work it out? Or is this just a way for her to find time until she is done with school before she goes through the divorce process? She says that she just wants me to work on things separately for now and maybe after some time we will go to counseling together.


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## capacity83 (Feb 13, 2011)

Hi Nuk,

Does she have a lot of girlfriends? or does she go out a lot while u two were still together? Are there kids involved? another man involved - possibly from work? etc etc?

Has she given you, the i love you but not in love with you speech?

I think you need to give more details on the problem.
It could be anything really... could be another man, could be that shes sick of the relationship and needs space away for now, could be that she really wants u to change and really pay attention to her more.


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## nuk (Apr 11, 2011)

Hi Capacity,

Thank you for your post. I really need to bounce my thoughts off of someone. My wife has girlfriends but they are mainly at school (she is a senior in college). While we were together, she didn't go out much with her friends (once or twice a month) and even then, it was just out to dinner and back home. The main reason for this was because she was and is very focused on school. Also, the two of us would hang out most of the time if I wasn't busy with work and she wasn't busy with school. My fault lies in the fact that I am a homebody and don't go out too much. There were many signs where she wanted me to be more romantic, and be like a boyfriend to her and take her out on dates and such. However, I was so busy with work and so exhausted when I got home, we just hung out at home. I know that I was wrong in that and she felt that she wasn't getting much attention from me. She has not given me the "I love you but not in love with you" speech. In fact, she has spoken to my father and told him that she still loves me and adores me. She also left most of her things at home. We did speak once and she told me that I need to make some changes before she comes back and would like for me to go to counseling to work on my "issues". However, she doesn't feel that she has any issues to work on. I offered marriage counseling together and she said that first I should go to counseling on my own for a while and then we can discuss going to marriage counseling together (this was through a short email and she hasn't replied since, it was 2 weeks ago). 

I just find it odd because she initially asked for two months, now she is asking for six months. She will be graduating in six months and I am thinking that she doesn't want to go through the divorce process while in school and will do it after she graduates. When leaving, she left most of her things at our home and hasn't come back to pick them up or had someone come pick them up. I have communication with her parents but that is it. It seems as though she is hiding from me, she has also changed her cell phone number which struck me as odd. 

Also, when she left, she actually told a mutual friend and her parents that I pushed her, physically. It never happened, I would never touch a woman and I don't know why she would make such a lie up. I am just really confused as to why a person who supposedly cares about me would make up such a lie and be so comfortable with extending time apart for so long. I have always thought that if she really loved me and wanted to be with me, staying apart would be just as tough on her. I am just confused and am trying to figure out if such a long time apart is common and what someone in her position is really thinking when they make such a move. If I am right in thinking that she just doesn't want this anymore then I feel as though I should file the papers and start on the healing. However, if this is something that happens and she could have some legitimate reason for the time apart then I will definitely consider working things out. Of course her lying is a big issue and would need to be tackled on its own.


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