# The question I've been asking myself...



## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

Ok guys, what it boils down to is this: 
I'm in an all but sexless marriage and I see less and less of my husband because of his work schedule. We have zero interest in activities anymore, we've basically abandoned anything we used to do together. Essentially, if he isn't working he's sleeping, and I'm at the point where I'd just prefer he be at work. I tried talking to him about all of this, and the fact that we never talk anymore and he said it was because he thinks that working so much has made him too numb to be mentally or emotionally present, blah blah. 
Anyway, maybe a week later he comes home to tell me about how he impressed his boss with his mad mechanical skills and the boss wants him to take a special test for a specific position, and once they figure out what areas he's lacking in, they want to send him to School to learn the rest. In addition to work. I just looked at him like he was nuts. He cares so much about chasing a dollar and I'm over here like, what's it worth if you're never around to enjoy your family? 
Almost zero sex, barely any talking, the fact that he knowingly does things that strains our marriage and the fact that I'm beginning to feel like myself and the kids are just holding him back really has me leaning towards leaving. I'm not sure he'd notice for a minute, but even when he did I don't think it would have much of an impact on him or his life. I'm not his wife anymore, I'm a live in babysitter/chauffeur/alarm clock/creator of meals. 

I understand a man's need to provide for his family and if one thing can be said about my husband is that he provides well. Never has went without work. I can't figure out when the almighty dollar became more appealing than us, but somewhere along the line it did. 

Advice, opinions, anything guys. If I do decide to leave I want to make sure I've looked at it from every angle. Maybe there's something I'm missing...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Are you certain that there is not someone he is having sex with? Don't rule it out unless and until you investigate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

My guess is that he's so focused on work for 2 reasons.

1) He is the sole support of the family. It's a heavy burden. 

2) He's getting validation at work that he's not getting at home. I'm not blaming you here. He has to be open to the validation at home. He has to spend time with you and your kids.

There is a book that I think could help you turn this around. 

The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, by Laura Schlessinger


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## bestyet2be (Jul 28, 2013)

MrsHousewife said:


> ...and he said it was because he thinks that working so much has made him too numb to be mentally or emotionally present, blah blah.


Well you might feel alone in your marriage, but you're certainly not alone with this problem.

Getting and feeling bitter and angry is likely not helpful, but maybe some way of turning up the volume is. If you're sad and lonely, he probably notices, but seems like LD and numb people don't easily connect the dots to understand and realize it would be in their own best interest to change, and do it.

So maybe turn up the volume by more frequently and pointedly explaining that you're sad and what he should do about it? The problem is "needy isn't sexy." Needy isn't even a good conversationalist. Tricky, isn't it?

You might want to check out my thread next door, which I started in part to ponder what if anything can work.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Sometimes a man needs a wake up call. You shouldn't have let your feelings come to this without a major fit-pitching session in an ideal world. 
Maybe serve him with some divorce papers will refocus his attention, AFTER sitting him down and explaining the problem calmly.
How was your sex life in the past? Active? If not, there may be a chance he's satisfying his needs elsewhere. 
Idle hands are the devils workshop. Remember that he takes care of things and that's a big job. Sounds like resentment has built up over your big job of taking care of everything else. 
Give him a chance to make it right after a serious conversation. Write down your complaints.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My wife and I both have full time jobs in extremely specialized careers. We work way more hours than we are able to just relax, and are schedules often criss cross so that when one of us is working the other is done for the day/night. We both equally share responsibilities of the house and kids. Despite that our romance is very much alive and here is how we do it...

We both work from home. It was not always this way, as we used to work in the same industry at a corporate office for many years and proved ourself to our colleagues so that we are known for what we do. The same opportunity for your husband to advance his career AND bring it home is not impossible. Many schools now offer online courses which could bring him home as well. And I've seen this happen to many others in my industry.

If this happens I can promise you that working from home is extremely difficult as to your employer you become someone that is "always in the office" 24/7 and the respect for personal/work boundaries is a perpetual struggle. But you do get to be home and the family gets to participate in what you do which can be very validating. 

I don't know if my comment helps, but it could be worth a discussion with your husband.

Badsanta


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

Catherine602 said:


> Are you certain that there is not someone he is having sex with? Don't rule it out unless and until you investigate.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Positive. I know it sounds stupid but hes truly not that guy. If he were going to cheat he'd have himself the trouble of getting caught and just tell me before hand, so at that point it'd be up to me to leave or stay.


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## MrsHousewife (Oct 19, 2015)

Evinrude58 said:


> Sometimes a man needs a wake up call. You shouldn't have let your feelings come to this without a major fit-pitching session in an ideal world.
> Maybe serve him with some divorce papers will refocus his attention, AFTER sitting him down and explaining the problem calmly.
> How was your sex life in the past? Active? If not, there may be a chance he's satisfying his needs elsewhere.
> Idle hands are the devils workshop. Remember that he takes care of things and that's a big job. Sounds like resentment has built up over your big job of taking care of everything else.
> Give him a chance to make it right after a serious conversation. Write down your complaints.





EleGirl said:


> My guess is that he's so focused on work for 2 reasons.
> 
> 1) He is the sole support of the family. It's a heavy burden.
> 
> ...


Well see, and I agree that it used to be hard on him to provide back when he worked at a garage with zero insurance and was only guaranteed to make as much as he worked on, but now, one pay check covers the bills, thats not including his second paycheck, my per diem as a foster parent thats used to help take care of the little ones, and the child support he receives from his ex wife. Our freezer is full, we both have vehicles that I feel safe to let our kids ride in lol. At this point it truly is he loves spending money on things he wants and in order to do that he must make more and more money (he's a very skilled spender of cash). 

I agree a hundred percent. He's really a very intelligent man and as far as his job goes he definitely knows his stuff. He's all the time impressing the bosses and he's a favorite among most at work, and I'm proud of him for it. He's got the leader type personality, so its good for him to get to express that. But I'm beyond trying to validate him when he's actually home and conscious. Any time I do it just comes across as pathetic, like I'm trying to trick him into sleeping with me or something. He's not really receptive to it, either.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MrsHousewife said:


> I'm beyond trying to validate him when he's actually home and conscious. Any time I do it just comes across as pathetic, like I'm trying to trick him into sleeping with me or something. He's not really receptive to it, either.


That's not good...

Men often validate each other by hazing each other and playing a bit rough. Perhaps you could try validating from this type of angle to show him you enjoy thinking about him. Do something like put a sign on the back of his car that says, "HONK BECAUSE I HAVE NO IDEA MY WIFE PUT THIS SIGN HERE!" 

Then the next day tell him you have something important to talk about and ask him to look at your hand. He will have no idea you are playing the "circle game" and then enjoy giving him a nice playful hit on the shoulder!

I once got my wife good with the circle game. I photocopied my hand and wrapped it up in a box as a gift. The kids knew what it was, and I gave it to her during dinner. I told her she had to hold down low because it was also a surprise for her to give to the kids and that I did not want them to sneak a peak yet. I got her good, but instead of hitting her shoulder, she has to give me a kiss when i get her!

Badsanta


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

OMG, if he works around mechanics, buy him this shirt:











He will be proud to say his wife got it for him to help him get ahead of everyone at work.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

When he is home and conscious? Does he sleep a lot at home? How old is he? Have T level checked it can make someone an emotional zombie. You can go to work ok but loose emotional bond with wife and children.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Please don't say, "I promise my man is not that guy". Nobody thinks their spouse has it in them to cheat. You may be right and he's not. But to be so certain that your man could never do that is being naive. Yes, it can happen, and if a man is not having sex with his wife, it's 95% of the time because he is getting it elsewhere. If he's working constantly you are probably right. But to not do some research is not wise. 

I wish I could help you. All the details are important. I like the low T possibility someone mentioned. There is always a reason. Keep looking for it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do you think you would be happy if his work hours stayed the same but when he was home he was all over you for sex?

What if he cut his work hours but the sex problem stayed the same?

I feel like you need to be certain on the bottom line you find acceptable to work with, and the ideal that you're shooting for.

Taking care of all those kids..yours, his and the foster kids.. How many in all? What are their ages?

Do you get the sense that he is working "extra hours" or is his job or place of employment that demanding of his time on the clock? Is it even possible for him to cut his work hours to spend more time at home?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Is there a chance he wants to go back to school so he would spend even less time at home? Do you think he might feel taken for granted by you? 

You said you were hard on him when he had little money and no insurance. Now you said this :"I tried talking to him about all of this, and the fact that we never talk anymore and he said it was because he thinks that working so much has made him too numb to be mentally or emotionally present, blah blah. "

Blah, blah.... - It sounds like you are dismissing him. You wanted him to provide, and he made it happen. Now he does what you wanted him to do, and you are not happy either. If he thinks he cannot meet your challenges, he will run more and more to work to keep him busy and far from you. 

I don't know if that's what's going on. Just an idea to consider.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Studies show that once basic human needs are satisfied (food, shelter, clothes), additional spending brings only short term pleasure and not long term contentment. Better to spend the money on experiences than on more things. Pitch that idea to him (spend money on experiences) and find things he really likes to do and do them with him. Then, instead of fighting him on working long hours, making money and spending it, you will be on the same side of these issues. Just that he will be spending it on things to do with you. Then make darn sure that when he is with you, he has a great time. If you make the time with you the most enjoyable part of his week, he will want to spend more time with you. Then, after spending time with you having fun, he should be open to you having your way with him sexually.


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