# Preparing for marriage (pre-marital coaching)



## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

I'm curious to hear the different views on pre-marital coaching or counselling. My understanding of premarital coaching/therapy is voluntary sessions with a marriage coach or counsellor, for a couple who is planning on getting married. I personally think it can be quite valuable (my wife and I did it before getting married), even for those switched on.

The intent of pre-marital coaching (to the best of my knowledge) is to help prepare you for marriage, through setting the right expectations, ensuring the important considerations and discussions have been taken care of an most importantly get a start on developing skills and habits which may be necessary or helpful in marriage down the track.

My personal view is that marriage is a super important life decision and it just isn't taken seriously enough by may out there when it comes to preparing for it. I'm interested to know what the different views on this are, and how common it really is?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*In two marriages, I only had premarital counseling once and that was through the church that we were attending! My first fiancé was Baptist and I was a United Methodist!

It wasn't intensive, but was rather a series of weekly sit-down, 90 minute-long sessions with the Presbyterian senior pastor, who led it from Biblical/Psychology based discussions.

Interestingly enough, while if did cover topics like getting used to each other's nuances, disagreements, expectations of sex, and early child-rearing, it never had mention one of straying or infidelity!

In retrospect, it did little good!

*


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife and I did it as part of our ritualistic catholic church nonsense. It didn't bring anything to the table in our relationship and we are still together and happy.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

That's interesting, I haven't been through a religious pre-martial coaching program, and have always assumed that most may be lacking the proper content, simply because they aren't run by highly experienced professionals.

From a logical perspective, if a couple can find a way to evaluate in the first place if they are suitable for marriage with each other, and ready for it, set expectations from a marriage, and from each other, and to develop the necessary skills and attitudes, I can definitely see the value in this.

That being said, an effective way of achieving the above probably isn't through the average pre-marital sessions that are being run through a church (not that I have anything against any church).


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

My son just got engaged (both early 30s) and my wife and I encourage them to consider pre marriage counseling. They're not fully on board yet so I'd like to hear some reasons for pre marriage counseling. 

She's a surgeon (makes 40 times his salary) and he's a college professor (accountant) ... they're moving to her small isolated home town and will be in close regular contact with her family. She's very very close to her father & mother. Just based on posts here we've suggested they discuss how to manage finances, boundaries with same sex friends, child raising, as well as how to communicate .... basically all sorts of issues that most young couples ignore. It starts with: "I'd like to keep my maiden name". To some people that's important .... to others not so much.

Any suggestions on what topics to be sure they discuss?
Any suggestions on the format? Some programs are in 45 minutes increments with homework, group or just the couple, for 4-6 meetings. There's also a half day program that I sort of favor because of it's intensity.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I am a big fan of. With my marriage we were able to talk openly about issues I never thought of. Also some great problem solving solutions for disagreements. 

Before I will every help pay for a wedding for either of my daughters I will first pay for prenups and pre marital counseling.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Robert22205 said:


> Any suggestions on what topics to be sure they discuss?


Yes. Many things that couples discuss are based upon scenarios where everything "goes right". Almost everyone knows what they will do, and how they will react, when faced with successful self-actualization. 

What is lacking are those scenarios in which "$hit happens"....

What if your son gets an opportunity to further his career in a different city, which is too far for commuting ?

Are his desires and goals of life as important as hers, in her mind? Or, because of his lower income, will he be impeded severely to follow his own "drummer" ?

What if things don't work out well for them sexually ? How will they handle that ? For example, what happens if he contracts heart disease and resultant ED ? 
What if she becomes "too tired" because of her demanding profession, and he gets none of her attention ?

What if she becomes enamored with another doctor ? 
What if he becomes enamored with another professor, or a student ?

What if he grows tired and frustrated of always being close to her family, and not to his own? Is he going to be forced or compelled to spend lots of time with her family, where there is absolutely no benefit in it for him ?

How is he going to feel when she wants him to attend parties, social gatherings in which everybody has an income which is 40 times his ?

How are they going to handle the grief process? What if one of their parents dies ? What happens then ? How will one partner accommodate the other through completion of what may become a long grief resolution ?

I have no suggestions as to the format or duration of the program. That is, other than it needs to be "long enough" that many scenarios can be covered, and basic disagreements can be uncovered by it.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

It was required by our Church. I thought it was very helpful. We still hearken back to some of the advice.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

I think one of the most important conversations to have before marriage is your sexual histories, often called historical honesty.

Everything needs to be put on the table, unless the other prospective spouse does not want to know. It's a form of fraud to marry someone without doing so.

Tamat


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

TAMAT said:


> I think one of the most important conversations to have before marriage is your sexual histories, often called historical honesty.


And, unless the couple arrives at marriage both virgins, the inequality of experience should be discussed, how each of them feels about the sexual "balance".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Fazz said:


> That's interesting, I haven't been through a religious pre-martial coaching program, and have always assumed that most may be lacking the proper content, simply because they aren't run by highly experienced professionals.


This depends greatly on the individual pre-marital counselor. My faith requires pre-marital counseling, but the quality varies. The pastor at our last parish was well educated (I believe his degree was in psychology) and had over 40 years experience. Other parishes of the same faith tradition offered pre-marital counseling with married couple volunteers who'd been trained and/or the pastor, who may or may not have a degree related to counseling.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Fazz said:


> That's interesting, I haven't been through a religious pre-martial coaching program, and have always assumed that most may be lacking the proper content, simply because they aren't run by highly experienced professionals.
> 
> From a logical perspective, if a couple can find a way to evaluate in the first place if they are suitable for marriage with each other, and ready for it, set expectations from a marriage, and from each other, and to develop the necessary skills and attitudes, I can definitely see the value in this.
> 
> That being said, an effective way of achieving the above probably isn't through the average pre-marital sessions that are being run through a church (not that I have anything against any church).


Churches run some really good weekly and weekend courses for engaged couples. I think they are very important to do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Robert22205 said:


> My son just got engaged (both early 30s) and my wife and I encourage them to consider pre marriage counseling. They're not fully on board yet so I'd like to hear some reasons for pre marriage counseling.
> 
> She's a surgeon (makes 40 times his salary) and he's a college professor (accountant) ... they're moving to her small isolated home town and will be in close regular contact with her family. She's very very close to her father & mother. Just based on posts here we've suggested they discuss how to manage finances, boundaries with same sex friends, child raising, as well as how to communicate .... basically all sorts of issues that most young couples ignore. It starts with: "I'd like to keep my maiden name". To some people that's important .... to others not so much.
> 
> ...


Money
sex, including porn use, birth control etc
children, how many etc
faith (if they have one)
Parents(many marriages are destroyed because of in law issues, not cutting ties, parents too controlling/manipulative etc) 
Boundaries with the opposite sex
who does what in the home


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Robert22205 said:


> My son just got engaged (both early 30s) and my wife and I encourage them to consider pre marriage counseling. They're not fully on board yet so I'd like to hear some reasons for pre marriage counseling.
> 
> She's a surgeon (makes 40 times his salary) and he's a college professor (accountant) ... they're moving to her small isolated home town and will be in *close regular contact with her family. She's very very close to her father & mother.* Just based on posts here we've suggested they discuss how to manage finances, boundaries with same sex friends, child raising, as well as how to communicate .... basically all sorts of issues that most young couples ignore. It starts with: "I'd like to keep my maiden name". To some people that's important .... to others not so much.
> 
> ...


It might be because of my history, but this is a HUGE red flag to me. If they're going to be living near and seeing a lot of her family, they need to discuss how they'll handle marital conflict and NOT involving the inlaws. Also boundaries for involving the inlaws in their marriage (or not).


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

We declined pre marital counseling and we are married 46 years. The problem is that people can tell you all sorts of things but in the end you both remain the same people you were. Plus over time we change and no pre counseling can predict how we will change. For us, living together taught us all we needed go know before we got married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

frusdil said:


> It might be because of my history, but this is a HUGE red flag to me. If they're going to be living near and seeing a lot of her family, they need to discuss how they'll handle marital conflict and NOT involving the inlaws. Also boundaries for involving the inlaws in their marriage (or not).


Yes, especially as they will be in a small isolated town. I wonder why she is moving back home after all this time and where she will be working being that she is a surgeon?


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Churches run some really good weekly and weekend courses for engaged couples. I think they are very important to do.


I have to say I’m quite ignorant about the courses run through churches. Ild be interested in learning more about them.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> My son just got engaged (both early 30s) and my wife and I encourage them to consider pre marriage counseling. They're not fully on board yet so I'd like to hear some reasons for pre marriage counseling.
> 
> She's a surgeon (makes 40 times his salary) and he's a college professor (accountant) ... they're moving to her small isolated home town and will be in close regular contact with her family. She's very very close to her father & mother. Just based on posts here we've suggested they discuss how to manage finances, boundaries with same sex friends, child raising, as well as how to communicate .... basically all sorts of issues that most young couples ignore. It starts with: "I'd like to keep my maiden name". To some people that's important .... to others not so much.
> 
> ...


Besides specific topics, it May be helpful to consider courses which teaching you skills in areas of communication and conflict management (along with a host of other skills).

That way you are better able to handle those unexpected challenges down the track.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Fazz said:


> I have to say I’m quite ignorant about the courses run through churches. Ild be interested in learning more about them.


This is a good one. 

The Marriage Preparation Course ? The Marriage Courses


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> We declined pre marital counseling and we are married 46 years. The problem is that people can tell you all sorts of things but in the end you both remain the same people you were. Plus over time we change and no pre counseling can predict how we will change. For us, living together taught us all we needed to know before we got married.


I agree that pre-marital counseling and coaching couldn't possibly help you cover all the various scenarios that a couple could face, however that's not how I view pre-marital preparation. The key value I associate with it is around setting expectations and helping the couple develop the thinking and skills required to tackle challenges as they arise, in that context I can see it being very powerful if approached appropriately.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> This is a good one.
> 
> The Marriage Preparation Course ? The Marriage Courses


I've come across this online a few times now, have you used it or know anyone who has? Would it be suitable for those who are not interested in organised religion?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Fazz said:


> That's interesting, I haven't been through a religious pre-martial coaching program, and have always assumed that most may be lacking the proper content, simply because they aren't run by highly experienced professionals.


Yes, the Bible lacks proper content. :|

Seriously, the Bible has plenty of content concerning marriage. Try it sometime.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> It was required by our Church. I thought it was very helpful. We still hearken back to some of the advice.


As do my W and I.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

TJW said:


> And, unless the couple arrives at marriage both virgins, the inequality of experience should be discussed, how each of them feels about the sexual "balance".


I have never heard of this sexual balance stuff before coming to this board, and I have been participating in online discussions for decades. I am not convinced this is a "thing" among the GP.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, the Bible lacks proper content. :|
> 
> Seriously, the Bible has plenty of content concerning marriage. Try it sometime.


The Bible was the first source of marital advice DH and I tossed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> The Bible was the first source of marital advice DH and I tossed.


Shame really.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I have never heard of this sexual balance stuff before coming to this board, and I have been participating in online discussions for decades. I am not convinced this is a "thing" among the GP.


Nor have I or believe it is a "thing".


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Shame really.


Not for us!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Not for us!


The Bible is certainly not the only source for marriage. But, if not something a couple subscribes too as a tool for keeping a marriage then why a ceremonial service?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> The Bible is certainly not the only source for marriage. But, if not something a couple subscribes too as a tool for keeping a marriage then why a ceremonial service?


I was Catholic at the time of our marriage. I changed my mind later.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> I was Catholic at the time of our marriage. I changed my mind later.


Catholic...understood.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Catholic...understood.


Wow. Just wow.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> *In two marriages, I only had premarital counseling once and that was through the church that we were attending! My first fiancé was Baptist and I was a United Methodist!
> 
> It wasn't intensive, but was rather a series of weekly sit-down, 90 minute-long sessions with the Presbyterian senior pastor, who led it from Biblical/Psychology based discussions.
> 
> ...


Some things are so basic, they shouldn't need to be said at all. I would suspect that a Christian counselor would assume that his clients are already quite aware of the evils of adultery... as I'm sure was your wife. Some people are gonna' do what they're gonna' do, even when they know better and no matter what anybody else tells them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Wow. Just wow.


Well think about it. Getting marital advise from a minister that is not permitted to marry. I would and do believe that some experience in some instances is always good.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

We had a very pleasant... and utterly useless... round of counseling prior to our getting married.

Together 31 years, but I can safely say that nothing we covered in the session is in any way responsible for our "success." Conversely, when we've had difficulties, they were not in any way covered by our counseling. 

We knew enough, and had enough time managing our own affairs, to know we were financially compatible, and we were both naturally frugal, so the financial counseling wasn't needed.

We'd had enough serious discussions and spent enough time together in a variety of environments to know we were morally compatible, so morals discussions weren't needed. 

We didn't want kids when we got married, but we knew that one or the other of us might change at some point, and we had agreed that we wouldn't move forward unless both of us were completely comfortable, so we'd already nailed this one down. 

We had already adapted to each others' families and were fully aware of the stresses that might cause and had plans to address them, so that was another unnecessary topic. 

But sex (outside the moral and pregnancy aspects) was, in retrospect, glaringly missing. For instance, there was warning given that "she may not want to have sex after pregnancy and for up to a year after childbirth, especially if she's breastfeeding. But there was no mention whatsoever of the potential for sexual mismatch outside this period. Of course, had we both had more experience, we probably could have figured that out for ourselves. The irony is that Christian counseling tends to think sex is not an important issue (other than infidelity), and yet Christians are supposed to remain chaste until married, so they need the counseling more than anybody! The combination of lack of experience and lack of counseling is not a good one.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Well think about it. Getting marital advise from a minister that is not permitted to marry. I would and do believe that some experience in some instances is always good.


Why do you assume that all or even most of it was done by the priest?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Why do you assume that all or even most of it was done by the priest?


I do not assume the priest is the only individual to counsel. However, I find it difficult to understand the Catholic religion that has priest that are not permitted to marry. You stated you were Catholic at the time of your marriage but changed your mind later. Why is that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

And....the post has been edited by moderators I'm guessing.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> I do not assume the priest is the only individual to counsel. However, I find it difficult to understand the Catholic religion that has priest that are not permitted to marry. You stated you were Catholic at the time of your marriage but changed your mind later. Why is that?


Um. Religion.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Um. Religion.


Then you understand my "Catholic..understood" comment?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Then you understand my "Catholic..understood" comment?


No. But I don't care a lot either. The parts of our premarital counseling that were helpful had nothing to do with the flavor of Christianity or really Christianity at all.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

My wife and I attended pre-marital coaching that was suggested by the pastor that married us. We were put into a group of couples that were all 'living in sin' prior to marriage. This was 30 years ago. The things I remember are:

1) I was surprised at how many of the couples had not discussed children on their own. 
2) I was surprised at how many of the couples had not discussed finances on their own (joint accounts or not, etc.)
3) I was reprimanded for speaking for my wife (then girlfriend). I had a terrible habit of answering questions for her when in situations like this. I knew she wasn't comfortable being there and I was trying to protect her. That was good advice that I have always remembered. My wife is more confident now and has no problem speaking for herself.
4) Our counselor was actually a sex therapist. Part of his advice was to the women. He said something to the effect, "At times, your husband will likely want to have sex and you may not be in the mood. You will have a happier marriage and less conflict if you take the time to look after his needs in another way (ie hand job, etc.). Everyone laughed in the course, but I have often thought how much better my life would have been if my wife applied that advice.
5) One particular couple seemed to take over most conversation. I felt they were always arguing. The therapist told us they were a good example, showing how they weren't afraid to communicate. I ran into one of them a couple of years later and they were divorced already.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Counselling can be useful, but can't fix basic problems or incompatibilities. I think someone trained in Gottman's research should evaluate couples and advise them to marry - or not.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

We took the mandatory course offered through the Catholic Church 35 years ago. 

They gave us a personality profile and surprised my wife with the information that I was more of an introvert than was she. They discussed money, marrying into another's family, and a ton of other useful topics. It was well worth the trouble.

What they did not cover was sex, and for that I will never forgive them.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, the Bible lacks proper content. :|
> 
> Seriously, the Bible has plenty of content concerning marriage. Try it sometime.


Just be careful which parts you decide to heed.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> Well think about it. Getting marital advise from a minister that is not permitted to marry. I would and do believe that some experience in some instances is always good.


I went through the Catholic program. No pastor was remotely involved. It was a long term married mentor couple.

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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Cletus said:


> We took the mandatory course offered through the Catholic Church 35 years ago.
> 
> They gave us a personality profile and surprised my wife with the information that I was more of an introvert than was she. They discussed money, marrying into another's family, and a ton of other useful topics. It was well worth the trouble.
> 
> ...


The only thing we wanted from them about sex was ignoring the fact that we were already having an awful lot of it.


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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

Yeswecan said:


> Yes, the Bible lacks proper content. :|
> 
> Seriously, the Bible has plenty of content concerning marriage. Try it sometime.


I have no doubt that the Bible has plenty of valuable content concerning marriage, however the lack of content, or suitability for pre-marital coaching I was referring to, was more to do with delivery. You can't expect a high level of delivery and quality when the content and delivery is left to each individual who may or may not have adequate knowledge of the field.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

My first spouse and I went through premarital counseling with our pastor. There was homework, like making a budget, etc. There was some valuable information. But it was all very basic, and sex was one of those things where he met with ex, then met with me, then met with us both to ask if we had any questions. I was actually somewhat concerned about that area of marriage already as ex was such a "gentleman." I was dying to finally "get to do it," and I had a hard time keeping my hands off him. He seemed very "careful." I remember when talking to the pastor alone, I asked, "What if I want that and am more excited about that than him, and he doesn't want that as much?"

The pastor smile, chuckled, and said, "If that is your only real concern, then your fiance is a lucky man." I get what he was saying, but in retrospect it was really dismissive....especially since my fear turned out to be VERY well founded 

I think we would have benefited more from more frank discussions.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

personofinterest said:


> The pastor smile, chuckled, and said, "If that is your only real concern, then your fiance is a lucky man." I get what he was saying, but in retrospect it was really dismissive....especially since my fear turned out to be VERY well founded
> 
> I think we would have benefited more from more frank discussions.


This was our experience, too. I had fears that were also very well-founded, I was a new christian of less than 2 years and got very dismissive treatment with lines such as "...trust God...", etc. I, unfortunately, believed it, and went forward into a marriage that I should have, quite frankly, stayed out of.

I don't think the pastor knew a lot about any of this...... I should have recognized that what I was getting from the counseling was inadequate, but instead, I trusted, because he was a seminary graduate, etc.... and should know what he was saying.

The pastor moved on in couple years, back to teach at the seminary. He was very well suited for that, but not very well prepared for "real world" issues.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

TJW said:


> This was our experience, too. I had fears that were also very well-founded, I was a new christian of less than 2 years and got very dismissive treatment with lines such as "...trust God...", etc. I, unfortunately, believed it, and went forward into a marriage that I should have, quite frankly, stayed out of.
> 
> I don't think the pastor knew a lot about any of this...... I should have recognized that what I was getting from the counseling was inadequate, but instead, I trusted, because he was a seminary graduate, etc.... and should know what he was saying.
> 
> The pastor moved on in couple years, back to teach at the seminary. He was very well suited for that, but not very well prepared for "real world" issues.


Looking back, both this pastor AND his predecessor had approached my parents and me with concerns when ex and I began talking about marriage - they were concerns over my ex's orientation. Even the man my ex worked with had these concerns. I of course was in love and convinced they were crazy. The man my ex worked for in particular bothers me sometimes. I think he was willing to sacrifice ME in order to get my ex married and stop the rumors. And no, I will never know if my ex truly struggled with orientation. It is something he would never admit. In fact, when mention of it as a concern made him look bad on a site, he forced me to lie about it.

ANYHOOO.....I think the balance lies somewhere between what I got and the weirdly voyeuristic and invasive version I heard of on another site.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I doubt anyone calls off a marriage because of some enlightenment during pre-marital counseling. I mean you have already bought a ring, planned half/all the wedding by then, sent invitations, likely most people aren't suddenly going to back out at that point. But, I guess in the end, what can it hurt? Just another hurdle to jump through...


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I doubt anyone calls off a marriage because of some enlightenment during pre-marital counseling. I mean you have already bought a ring, planned half/all the wedding by then, sent invitations, likely most people aren't suddenly going to back out at that point. But, I guess in the end, what can it hurt? Just another hurdle to jump through...


Sadly true.

True story: As I was walking down the aisle in my first marriage and ascending the steps to the platform, I got this dizzy, sick, can't breathe feeling where a part of me was thinking of sprinting out of the church. I chalked it up to nerves and swallowed it. Less than 2 years later I realized that MIGHT have been the little inner voice giving me one last chance. 

Never ignore the gut when it screams loudly enough to make you nauseous lol


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I doubt anyone calls off a marriage because of some enlightenment during pre-marital counseling. I mean you have already bought a ring, planned half/all the wedding by then, sent invitations, likely most people aren't suddenly going to back out at that point. But, I guess in the end, what can it hurt? Just another hurdle to jump through...


I too doubt that many would back out by then.

But, they might find themselves better prepared for the surprises that come down the road when married. Knowledge is power, and it's the unknown unknowns that cause the most grief.

In reference to my experience, the one topic they did not discuss became the one that nearly destroyed our marriage.

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## Fazz (Aug 4, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I doubt anyone calls off a marriage because of some enlightenment during pre-marital counseling. I mean you have already bought a ring, planned half/all the wedding by then, sent invitations, likely most people aren't suddenly going to back out at that point. But, I guess in the end, what can it hurt? Just another hurdle to jump through...


I agree pre-marital coaching isn't suitable for determining if you should go ahead with a marriage or not, by that point you've made too big a commitment. However, there is a lot of value in the area of preparing for marriage and ensuring you get off to a good start.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> The Bible was the first source of marital advice DH and I tossed.


Its what we look to, it has such wisdom.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I doubt anyone calls off a marriage because of some enlightenment during pre-marital counseling. I mean you have already bought a ring, planned half/all the wedding by then, sent invitations, likely most people aren't suddenly going to back out at that point. But, I guess in the end, what can it hurt? Just another hurdle to jump through...


 It does happen. I have heard of more than one case where they called the marriage off after pre-marriage counselling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Robert22205 said:


> My son just got engaged (both early 30s) and my wife and I encourage them to consider pre marriage counseling. They're not fully on board yet so I'd like to hear some reasons for pre marriage counseling.
> 
> She's a surgeon (makes 40 times his salary) and he's a college professor (accountant) ... they're moving to her small isolated home town and will be in close regular contact with her family. She's very very close to her father & mother. Just based on posts here we've suggested they discuss how to manage finances, boundaries with same sex friends, child raising, as well as how to communicate .... basically all sorts of issues that most young couples ignore. It starts with: "I'd like to keep my maiden name". To some people that's important .... to others not so much.
> 
> ...


Every counseling program is different and it's quality is very much dependent on the person who is leading it. Therefore, it hard to say how long it should be, how many meetings, etc.

Instead I'm going to suggest some books because I know what is in them and that they give good, solid advice. 

*Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner*

*His Needs, Her Needs Participant's Guide: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage* by Willard F. Jr. Harley

*Love Busters: Protect Your Marriage by Replacing Love-Busting Patterns with Love-Building Habits* by Willard F. Jr. Harley

There is also a little book that has a list of good questions for a couple to cover

*The Hard Questions: 100 Essential Questions to Ask Before You Say "I Do"* by Susan Piver

This books as questions for: Home, money, work, sex, health and food, family, children, community and friends and spiritual life


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Understand that premarital counsel is helpful but it does not end there. Marriage take commitment and work. The premarital may bring out issue not discussed. It is then that each work on the issue or concern. It may take a life time to achieve resolve. I may only take a minute.


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