# Not happy in my marriage....



## JeffInAustin (Mar 6, 2012)

Yeah...... I could have chosen a better subj. line but what the hey.... it is what it is 

I've never posted on a site such as this... always thought it was below me... for the weak and needy... Well, here I am: Been married for 14 years, have 2 adorable angles/girls (8 and 11).... financially successful......and coming to grips with the fact that although I like (maybe even love) my wife I can't live with her anymore. .... at least not in the same house. We've had differences - mainly around what I think are her "personality issues" and how it's affected my relationship with my mom/sisters.... and now my 2 girls! 

See... we only dated for a month before marrying (yeah, I know that sounds crazy)... she is from India and so the whole immigration thing played somewhat of a part in hurrying things... but we really did fall in love and care for each other all these years but there was this simmering thing in me - mainly stemming from how she treated my mom & sisters initially after we got married. So herein lies the main source of our issues.... I feel like she's created this major divide with my mom/sisters and me and I've been living with that all these years. Classic finger pointing but the bottom line is that my mom/sisters felt disrespected and if you ask my wife she'll say the same about how she feels about them. 

Then came the kids..... and next thing you know, we're clashing about how to raise kids and what's appropriate and what's not. For years I've detested her spanking the kids. It doesn't happen often but enough times where it bothers me when it happens. Just a slap on the legs or hands... nothing major but still... it bothers me. At first, when the kids were younger she'd get upset over back-talk (or whatever silly stuff 5-10 year old's do) and she'd just lash out - a quick spank to the face/back or which ever body part was in view..... but after me making it clear that I would not tolerate face slapping she took heed (somewhat) and went for the lower legs but still - it drives me nuts. Worse still, whenever something goes wrong and she's disciplining them, the lectures and admonishments don't stop, it goes on for 10, 15, 20 mins. all the while with a sobbing kid on the other end! Then I step in and tell her to stop and then we yell at each other and the kids watch that...... Yes, pretty sad. This plays into just about everything now with discipline - from allowing my 11 yr. old to text 2 of her sweet friends (which of course the wife does not want to allow)... to how much time they can spend with me when I get home! See, when I get home at 5:30 and the kids are doing homework and they run down to hug dad, she starts getting upset about how they need to get back up and focus back on homework - EVEN though she well knows that they only want to spend *5-10 mins* with me!! On weekend's when I play tickle with my 8 year old and she goes crazy laughing, the wife starts getting upset about how loud it gets!! When the kids jump in bed and we horse around, she gripes about how the bed shakes and how she's getting pushed by an 8 yr. old! Wow! Seriously - ANY women out there with these issues? If so, I want to hear it. Tell me I'm nuts bec. I don't believe it for a sec. Is this really a control freak or someone with control issues?

And finally... the main issue: Arguing. She loves to argue. Yes, I get it, women can/should hold their ground but trust me - this is different. She'll openly argue in front of the kids (which again drives me nuts bec. I feel it destroys their innocence)... then she blames me about how I am the one to blame and how I'm the one belittling her in front of the kids. Yes, when I get angry I call her names (b word) and recently I said it in front of the kids when she again went into one of those argumentative tirades.....She openly contradicts and LIES about things she says - sometimes literally 2 mins. earlier in a conversation/argument. She can literally say 1 thing and 2 mins later deny it. She also has a knack of never answering a question directly. A colleague recently told me that she might have "control issues" .... where if she doesn't feel like she's a part of something, she will want to somehow exercise control over a situation (eg: when I get home and the kids want to spend a few mins with me... or when I horse around with the kids..).

Bottom line: She loves me - I know that.... she won't let go.... even when I tell her I want a divorce she begs me to stop saying that. But... I feel suffocated in the marriage. I love my 2 angels and want to be with them but I can't continue like this. I want out.... What do I do?

Sorry for the rant.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Jeff sorry you here Have yall tried MC ??? I would suggest at least doing that give it all you can and you will know when it isnt going to work. Stay off of 6th street J/k

Good Luck


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## JeffInAustin (Mar 6, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hi Jeff sorry you here Have yall tried MC ??? I would suggest at least doing that give it all you can and you will know when it isnt going to work. Stay off of 6th street J/k
> 
> Good Luck


Thanks for the response ..... and yes, I try to stay off 6th ....

IDK.. I think MC is another name for DC  ... Never been to it before but IDK... I can't see myself spilling my guts out to some dude/dudette..... only to tell me to work things out. I really see this as a personality issue with my wife.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jeff where I was coming from is that you will want to try everything you can
To make your marriage work sometimes a 3rd party can help especially in communication areas
I say this because of yr children and yr spouse and you really don't want to have any regrets 
So if you try as hard as can and nothing changes then you know jmo 

Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JeffInAustin (Mar 6, 2012)

Trust me - I know how impt. the kids are and maybe I do want it to work out but..... I just know deep down that her personality and mine are very different. One thing I forgot to mention is that we've had A LOT of blow up's and major arguments about the same issues and she always says that "she'll change".... "I know I pushed you".... "I should have not said that".... "I should have not spanked her", etc.... and voila, 2 months (or sometimes 2 weeks) later it's back to square 1.

So what's MC like? I have these preconceived notions about it - that it will be like sitting in front of a shrink and getting questioned and soon it will degenerate into he said/she said..... Also, I don't think a MC would truly be able to get to the core of our issues.... IDK, maybe I'm naive about it but I just don't feel comfortable going in front of one


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

You seem to have a lot of preconceived notions about seeking advice or counseling. Nobody knows everything, babe.

Arrogance is never a good thing. Your wife may have some obvious issues, but you are not perfect either. Maybe it is time to stop pointing the finger all the time.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Jeff yes that's unstandable especially since y'all are from different cultures as well 
My experience with MC is that I had a affair on my spouse and one of the conditions for us to r
Was to go to mc at the time I had 2 female councilors and my spouse and I thought they were out to get me 
As I felt outnumbered lol. Anyway it was a good experience and we worked thru our issues 
And have never been better we have been married for 12 yrs this happened like 2 yrs ago 
It was a good experience for me you can go to several councilors as well interviewing them I would be willing to bet that UT has a program where they have councilors in training and they are over seen 
By a experienced professional councilor and charge very little that's what me and my wife did except not at UT. It would be in the marriage and family area 

Good Luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## specwar (Apr 14, 2011)

Truly there is a lot of good here. Are there differences, sure. Why wouldn't there be, you are to different people. 

Tearing each other down in front of the children is number one on the do not do list. If you want the children to disrespect each other and you then you will continue this practice. If you can't disagree and have a discussion about it in front of the children so they can learn how to resolve differences in a calm way then that is a core problem. 

Spanking out of rage is wrong. Spanking when the child has broken an important rule is not bad. I spanked both of my children much more serverely than you wife does and both of my children are doing quite well. The important thing is that I didn't get mad when they broke the rule. I explained to them that they were going to get spanked because they broke the rule and then spanked them and then told them to go play.

Many parents screw up with the spanking by waiting and yelling and throwing a fit and then finally spanking out of rage instead of reminding the children that there are lines that will not be crossed in your home and then moving on. A spanking doesn't have to be a big deal unless you make it a big deal.

Innocense will be lost, the difference (in my opinion) is that I would rather it be lost in a caring and loving environment where I can help them understand why things are the way they are and what larger forces there are out there that bring us to the decisions that we make as a family. Again using it as a teaching opportunity to teach the children problem solving and critical thinking.

Your wife and your family don't have to get along. Where is it written that they do? Each party should be courteous around each other. That is what adults do. If they can't stand each other then that is fine also. It should be kept away from the children. Is it possible that your family are hearing things (from you) that shade their opinion of her negatively? If so then that will cause both of you a lot of grief. 

Maybe they are simply bored and need drama. Maybe they think they are helping. Your points on this were very vague and make in difficult to help with. Try to get your wife to relax a little by asking her to have fun with you and the children. It sounds like perhaps she is a fairly formal person and if that is the case then perhaps explain to her that it is important to you that the children learn that fun and joy are equally important parts of a balanced life. Perhaps she only needs to be reminded of that. 

Or perhaps the reason she is cranky about the playing and the (noise) has nothing to do with the noise. It has to do with her general annoyance or grudge that she is carrying around about something else and it shades her perception of what is going on around her. I call this the soup argument

The short story of the soup argument is this. If you find yourself arguing over something trivial like soup you are in fact arguing about something much more significant than that that may have occured weeks -months in the past that personally hurt the other person. The key is to communicate early and often so that things do not fester and grow.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I feel like she's created this major divide with my mom/sisters and me and I've been living with that all these years. Classic finger pointing but the bottom line is that my mom/sisters felt disrespected and if you ask my wife she'll say the same about how she feels about them.
\QUOTE said:


> It seems that on this site especially, more people are unhappy with spouses who exhibit your wife's personality. The answer is always BORDERLINE PERSONALITY where they have the emotional control of a four year old child.
> 
> Also, the first thing abusive and controlling spouses do is allienate their spouse from their family. It is clear she is doing this. That is not healthy and I can see what it does to people because my father alienated my mother from her sisters for years. Now, when they all get in the same room, it's uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


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