# He NEVER talks....



## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hi everyone! I am new to this website and forums so I don't really know how it works but I was hoping to connect with people in similar situations, or who may have some insight.

My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been together for 5. We are in our late twenties. For the most part, we are very happy and in love. We have a great sex life and have fun together (although we pretty much only do things he likes to do). We rarely fight anymore, but this is because I've been working on my own anger issues and have decided I want to be happy no matter what.

Recently, we've had some serious issues surface. For one, he told me he doesn't want kids and I do (given the right circumstances: money, a house, stable jobs etc). I asked if he think that might change in the future and he said he doesn't really know. The other issue is he NEVER talks... he never opens up about ANYTHING personal, emotional, intimate. He'll talk about work, the gym, our dog, his day etc..but nothing else. 

When we had the discussion about kids, I told him we should seek counselling because I didn't know how to go about this problem. He said he wouldn't talk (which is true) and it would be a waste. Later on I told him we were on very rocky ground, that I couldn't keep sacrificing my desires and future goals for him. I basically told him he needed to show me how he felt and he needed to make more of an effort with his actions if we were to get through this problem without him talking or going to therapy. So I said, for our anniversary and my birthday, you need to show me how you feel.

Well... suffice to say, he didn't. He didn't do anything. And it wasn't in a malicious way. I assume it was in a lazy, passive, or just plain stupid way. I was sad. And for the first time, I slept on the couch. Neither of us have ever gotten to this point. The next day he woke up like nothing happened. Went out shopping with his friends.. came home empty handed and didn't say anything?? 

I again asked him to open up..his thoughts on what happened. Nothing. I expressed my desires to separate and then, he cried...for the second time in our marriage I saw him cry. The first was when he had to leave the country and we thought we had to break up. And suddenly, his crying just shook me. It made me realize that he does love me in his own weird way.

I decided to sleep on the couch again because I'm so confused. I don't know if I can live my life sacrificing all of my desires, goals, and needs in a relationship for him. 

Is a happy marriage enough? Is love enough?


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Shouldn't the child issue have been brought up before marriage?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Haha, yes . It should have. But here's the problem...

Since he DOES NOT talk, and in the beginning there was a language barrier, our conversation about this was heavily one-sided. I told him about my dreams and goals, he listened. Whenever I talked about our future kids, he smiled and said nothing. We went on this way for awhile until one day he said he didn't want kids. I asked him why he had never said anything and he said he thought his silence was obvious. 

To be honest, I'm not sure if I ever directly asked him. I think I just assumed he wanted them because he never said anything and that was just his personality.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Yea, speaking as a dude who tends to do more listening than talking, silence doesn't mean agreement.

Also, I don't know you or your situation- so I'm not trying to attack you. However, the way you describe the situation where one person is doing all the communicating sort of reminds me of my wife. She's got a husband who's nice enough to listen to her talk all the time, but doesn't really show much of an interest as to what he's thinking about what she's saying.

So, if you're in a situation where you're talking _at_ him and not in a real conversation, you've got to slow that up. It may have already gotten you into a situation where you just assume everything's OK but you didn't give your husband time and space to express himself.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Thank you for your reply. I don't feel attacked at all . I appreciate your feedback. 

The problem is, most people can't fathom what it means when I say he doesn't talk. By that I mean he really does not talk. In our conversations, I often say "How do you feel?" "What do you think about this?" "I want to hear your opinion.". I often stay silent, look at him and then avoid eye contact. I've tried everything to make him feel safe but he's got the highest walls built and I have no idea why.

When I ask him why he won't tell me anything or participate in the conversation, he says "that's how I am. you know me. I don't talk."


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hi William...I'm so sorry to hear! That sounds really traumatic. It pains me to hear you have a partner who doesn't talk either, but a part of me feels less alone. 

Do you talk about your feelings? How do you deal with this lack of engagement? Clearly you both have been proactive in some way...my husband won't even consider therapy. The other thing that confuses me is that there are no apparent signs of trauma. It truly does seem like a personality thing because his father is the same. It's very confusing to me because it's not simply "he doesn't like to talk" it's honestly "NEVER talks" as I'm sure you understand with your wife.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, this may just be the way he is but can you spend the next 50 years with his type of love? And that doesn't begin to address the issue of children -- that's another story.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

OpenMinded, you ask a good question and I've asked it of myself. Part of me says I can, because I have already adapted so much to him. When he initiates sex or tries to make me laugh when I'm sad, I understand he loves me and I feel so close to him. The other part of me says I can't do it too much longer, it hurts too much..

It doesn't help that I reconnected with a high school friend who I immediately felt close to again. Within just a few hours of talking we opened up to each other about some very real **** and I felt so close to him. That only served to make things more confusing though because I realize I can't just "switch one for the other" and live happily ever after. I realize that the conversation only highlighted our marital problems and made me feel sadder about our lack of intimacy.

The kids thing...I'm still in denial. Not sure when I will finally realize that "I don't want kids" doesn't mean "I don't want them now because we're poor."


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

William, wow...that sounds very challenging! You are a very good husband to work through that. You are very resilient. Clearly you saw something in her and the marriage to work so hard.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

An interview? How smart! Haha, I wish I had thought of that. I was 23 and in love. Thought that nothing beyond our love mattered. So naive . 

I have been to counselling before but not for this particular situation. I think maybe that is a good place to start. I seem to think my answers will just come to me but I don't think that's how it works.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sorry this happened to you, but you chose this man. He won't change. Introverts stay introverts and rarely do they come out of their shells. If you cannot come to a parity with him it would be better to end the marriage so both of you can find compatible mates.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

You probably have a fallacy about your husband--you think he has a similar emotional landscape as you and that he's withholding everything from you. But that's probably not the case. He probably has very few emotions are they are more muted. So if your emotions are like a landscape with mountains, streams, forests and rich, purple sunsets, his landscape is more like flat farmfields as far as you can see with flat light from the noon-day sun.

Is he an engineer or a technical person? It's common for people like that to have a very low emotional side to them. 

Anyway, this is likely something that he cannot change. You're asking him to talk about feelings he doesn't have. It be like if he asked you for your feelings about something you don't think about at all. (e.g. "Purple, why don't you ever share with me your feelings about model trains?")

You should carefully consider your future with him. He may be a great man and husband, but this will likely always be a very significant incompatibility between you too. The kids issue is also significant. Unless he's truly enthusiastic, don't have kids with him.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Bandit, thank you for your kind words. I am an introvert. He is an introvert but to an extreme. He's absolutely closed. Unlike anyone I could have ever imagined. When we first met, I was closed too so I could understand his closed nature. I guess what changed was I began to trust him and open up...and he has stayed the same.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Wilson, I laughed out loud at your response. Sooo funny and very, very accurate. I guess my name on here shines a light on that. I do feel that way and I think that is my husband. He is a very technical person and could talk forever about something related to fitness or video games . When it comes to emotions, life, deep problems, philosophy, he's ouuuttt. 

Perhaps I am projecting...thinking that he should open up about things because I am but perhaps there's nothing to open up about. However, on a more practical note, when we have real relationship issues like the kid discussion, he barely talks or gives insight to his answers. He thinks "I don't want kids" is enough and that the rest will resolve. So does that mean it all falls on me? As an indecisive, loyal, and stubborn woman, I find it hard to walk away over something he hasn't even clarified fully. He used to say he didn't want kids until we had enough money. Then he said he didn't want kids because it would take away from his free time. As a 28 year old man, that is to be expected. I understand. I feel the same RIGHT NOW, but I know I won't in a few years. The problem is, he doesn't know how he'll feel in a few years. He says he can't predict the future. I'm not sure what to do with that?

I also can't imagine why the man who loves me would do absolutely nothing for our anniversary and my birthday. I don't care about expensive things or extravagant dates... I would have been happy if he made me breakfast and cleaned the dishes, instead of waiting in the bedroom for me to do it all. It makes me feel like I'm not worth the effort.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

purplesunsets said:


> It doesn't help that I reconnected with a high school friend who I immediately felt close to again. Within just a few hours of talking we opened up to each other about some very real **** and I felt so close to him. That only served to make things more confusing though because I realize I can't just "switch one for the other" and live happily ever after. I realize that the conversation only highlighted our marital problems and made me feel sadder about our lack of intimacy.


Talking to other dudes you'd like to 'connect' with ain't gonna help the situation with the dude you married.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Toblerone, thank you for your insight! I'd already noted that in the paragraph you quoted though when I said "It doesn't help that..." and "I realize I can't just "switch one for the other" and live happily ever after". I recognize it's not going to help.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

Question, what does he do for a living?
Just wonder if it's something he's done by the time he gets home.

He sounds overly quiet.

I don't talk much but I do converse with my wife, even thou I prefer to listen. I enjoy talking to her even though it makes me feel uncomfortable in any other situation such as a small groups in parties, at work presenting something, ect.





Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hi Suspicious,

Thank you so much for your response. He is overly quiet. He's a personal trainer so he definitely spends the day talking and is spent at the end of the day. The good thing is, we're very similar in this regard. I'm introverted too and I'm okay with just hanging out and not talking. I love that we can just be together without words. But when a situation requires active participation on both parts, he just listens. Some may think this is the dream...but it's very hard because I have absolutely NO IDEA where he truly stands. 

I just don't know what he's so scared of. What's going to happen if he just says how he feels or what he's thinking? I can't understand someone literally having no emotions or feelings when they hear their wife say they want to separate. He cried. He has feelings. Why can't he express them in words?? Agh. I'm so frustrated. I'm not expecting a monologue...just throw me a bone here. Anything... "Don't leave." "I want to work on this" "you are important" "I love you" a kiss, a hug, anything. Nope...just totally shuts down. Or listens actively but doesn't say anything until the conversation is over and he can finally make a joke or make the conversation light again...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@purplesunsets Unfortunately, you didn't really know the man that you chose to marry. So now you find yourself in the position of needing to do the difficult introspection and truth-seeking that you and he should have done beforehand.

The fault doesn't lie entirely with you; I'm surprised that your H didn't want to make it clear that he didn't want children before marriage. "Silence" doesn't imply anything, and that's a pretty weak argument on his part... whereas, he didn't protest, so it's pretty easy to mistake silence for agreement.

There are 2 things you need to ask yourself:

1. Is having kids a dealbreaker for you? Is it something you need for your life to be complete?

If the answer is yes, then you need to accept that this isn't the marriage you want, and your husband isn't a good match for you. You're still young enough that you can find (and fall in love with) a man who wants the same things from life that you want.

If the answer is no, and you think you can be happy without children, then proceed to question...

2. Can you be happy in a marriage with your current husband?

You cannot change other people, and you cannot control the way your husband behaves. He is who he is, and you have to figure out for yourself if you can be happy with that. He has feelings, of course, but he doesn't feel the need to share them all the time. Many people are like that. You've also mentioned that you have some anger issues, so he may not feel like you are a safe person with whom to express his emotions. But ultimately, he owns his emotions, and it is his right to keep those to himself if he so chooses. And maybe for him to feel loved by you, he needs to know that you accept this.

If you can accept him for who he is, not try to change him, and still love him, then great! If you cannot, then this marriage and husband probably isn't a good fit for you.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> Hi Suspicious,
> 
> Thank you so much for your response. He is overly quiet. He's a personal trainer so he definitely spends the day talking and is spent at the end of the day. The good thing is, we're very similar in this regard. I'm introverted too and I'm okay with just hanging out and not talking. I love that we can just be together without words. But when a situation requires active participation on both parts, he just listens. Some may think this is the dream...but it's very hard because I have absolutely NO IDEA where he truly stands.
> 
> I just don't know what he's so scared of. What's going to happen if he just says how he feels or what he's thinking? I can't understand someone literally having no emotions or feelings when they hear their wife say they want to separate. He cried. He has feelings. Why can't he express them in words?? Agh. I'm so frustrated. I'm not expecting a monologue...just throw me a bone here. Anything... "Don't leave." "I want to work on this" "you are important" "I love you" a kiss, a hug, anything. Nope...just totally shuts down. Or listens actively but doesn't say anything until the conversation is over and he can finally make a joke or make the conversation light again...


Many men don't express emotions because they don't know _how_. They aren't conditioned to do so the way women are. Not only that, but English is his second language. So there's also the possibility that he simply is unable to.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Hi FeministinPink,

Wow. I SO appreciate the time you took into commenting. Your comments are very insightful. You bring up points that I've thought about before and I know you're right that I need to do some serious reflection. I've chosen to stay on the couch and give both of us some space so we can figure this out. The hard part is my desire to reconnect when he's around. I so badly want to fall back into my old patterns of going back to bed and being physically intimate with him, pretending like nothing happened, and joking around again. But I know that road will lead us right back to this moment.

I can't stay with anyone else for logistical reasons and we live in a small apartment. He works long hours so I will only really see him for an hour or so before bed and on weekends. It's hard knowing he loves me and loving him back, but knowing that these issues won't just go away. Perhaps I've become too codependent. Who knows. 

Thanks again for your input! I really appreciate it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> Why can't he express them in words?? Agh. I'm so frustrated. I'm not expecting a monologue...just throw me a bone here. Anything... "Don't leave." "I want to work on this" "you are important" "I love you" a kiss, a hug, anything. Nope...just totally shuts down. Or listens actively but doesn't say anything until the conversation is over and he can finally make a joke or make the conversation light again...


While men are less emotional than women, your H seems to be at the very low end. It's unlikely that he would ever be able to be able to make great strides at improving that. If anything, there would just be small changes, and that would be after a lot of work.

You don't have to make any big changes right now, but think forward several decades and imagine how the 50-year-old you would look back on your years with him. Assume he's basically the same and you didn't have kids. Would you be glad you stayed with him? Or would you wish you had taken a different path? Unfortunately, we only have one life to live and don't have a time machine, so you will have to extrapolate what you envision for your future. From experience, I can tell he's not going to change very much. You will have to decide if the man he is today is the man you want to live your life with.

And BTW, being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean lack of emotions. An introvert may have plenty of emotions, but just be more comfortable with a smaller and closer set of friendships.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> If I recall correctly, in American politics silence is considered agreement. Hence the concept of the silent majority.
> 
> Typically if someone doesn’t actively disagree we do assume they are in agreement.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your comments. You're right. I know that the lack of openness is only being heightened right now because we just had the conversation about a family a month ago. It surfaced, we tried to deal with it and failed because he just ignored it and continued with the same routine, pretending like nothing happened.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

wilson said:


> While men are less emotional than women, your H seems to be at the very low end. It's unlikely that he would ever be able to be able to make great strides at improving that. If anything, there would just be small changes, and that would be after a lot of work.
> 
> You don't have to make any big changes right now, but think forward several decades and imagine how the 50-year-old you would look back on your years with him. Assume he's basically the same and you didn't have kids. Would you be glad you stayed with him? Or would you wish you had taken a different path? Unfortunately, we only have one life to live and don't have a time machine, so you will have to extrapolate what you envision for your future. From experience, I can tell he's not going to change very much. You will have to decide if the man he is today is the man you want to live your life with.
> 
> And BTW, being an introvert doesn't necessarily mean lack of emotions. An introvert may have plenty of emotions, but just be more comfortable with a smaller and closer set of friendships.


Thanks, Wilson. I think your question is similar to FeministinPink. I think my questions are for me, not him. I keep asking him, hoping he'll have the answer because I'm too scared of leaving him.. I don't want to leave him because of how much I love him. But can I sacrifice a family for him? That's the question...and can I live with his "coldness"? I'm really not sure. Sometimes it hurts to much. But when I begin to reflect, I find myself saying: "If this is the worst quality, why can't I accept it? he doesn't hit me, he's never called me a mean name, he's never said anything mean to me". I begin to justify his actions and ignore my pain because it doesn't seem to come close to the pain that could be caused from a seriously unhappy marriage or a mean man.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> That's the question...and can I live with his "coldness"? I'm really not sure. Sometimes it hurts to much. But when I begin to reflect, I find myself saying: "If this is the worst quality, why can't I accept it? he doesn't hit me, he's never called me a mean name, he's never said anything mean to me". I begin to justify his actions and ignore my pain because it doesn't seem to come close to the pain that could be caused from a seriously unhappy marriage or a mean man.


Hold on a second. Being in a terrible marriage is not the only alternative. Any relationship will have positive and negative qualities. If all you wanted was a kind, reliable roommate, it sounds like he's a great match (and that is all some people want). But from experience, it will likely be hard for you to be happy in this relationship. You will likely have a lingering sadness about what you feel you have given up--an emotional connection with your H and children. That will weigh heavily and take it's toll. 

Any other relationship will have new challenges, but I feel you can find someone who you are more matched with about those two major issues. But maybe in that relationship there's issues like he's bad with money and has a crazy family, so you'll have to deal with that. But that relationship would likely be stronger because you'd be more matched with the things that are most important to you.

But like I said before, don't feel like you have to make a decision right now. Talking about things here can help you get clarity on the future to help you decide which path is best.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

wilson said:


> purplesunsets said:
> 
> 
> > That's the question...and can I live with his "coldness"? I'm really not sure. Sometimes it hurts to much. But when I begin to reflect, I find myself saying: "If this is the worst quality, why can't I accept it? he doesn't hit me, he's never called me a mean name, he's never said anything mean to me". I begin to justify his actions and ignore my pain because it doesn't seem to come close to the pain that could be caused from a seriously unhappy marriage or a mean man.
> ...


Thank you again for taking the time to respond. I was scared to post such a personal issue on a public site but your comments have made me feel so much better. 

It's hard to process such big changes alone. Of course my family is there for me but they are invested in the situation as well. I have found this to be really helpful. 

I've decided to journal my experiences to see if I can get some insights and find some resolve in a decision. It would be so much easier if I didn't love him, but, alas, life is not easy and I've been given a challenging lesson.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> I was only 19 when Mary and I got married.
> 
> I told her to me marriage was held up by three things. Great sex, remaining drug free, and raising our children right. We talked about sex and the result of sex, our babies.
> 
> ...


How could you possibly know the tenets to your own success in marriage at 19? Wayyy wise beyond your years. I still don't know. I guess I'm realizing that emotional intimacy is.

I'm struggling with these fallacies in my mind: i can have emotional intimacy without the amazing sex or I can have amazing sex without the emotional intimacy. That is one of my fallacies, based on what I've seen. Our sex life is intimate and fulfilling and unlike any other. That is a strong pull for me because I fear that it'll never come close in any other relationship (because it hasn't by a long shot in the past).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> Thanks, Wilson. I think your question is similar to FeministinPink. I think my questions are for me, not him. I keep asking him, hoping he'll have the answer because I'm too scared of leaving him.. I don't want to leave him because of how much I love him. But can I sacrifice a family for him?


You absolutely should NOT sacrifice a family, if that is what your heart desires to make your life complete. Not agreeing on having kids is a dealbreaker. Also consider the type of father he would be if it happened by accident, or if you got him to begrudgingly agree. 



purplesunsets said:


> That's the question...and can I live with his "coldness"? I'm really not sure. Sometimes it hurts to much. But when I begin to reflect, I find myself saying: "If this is the worst quality, why can't I accept it? he doesn't hit me, he's never called me a mean name, he's never said anything mean to me". I begin to justify his actions and ignore my pain because it doesn't seem to come close to the pain that could be caused from a seriously unhappy marriage or a mean man.


The answer to this is NO. You answered it yourself when you immediately connected with another man who actually talked to you. I hope you have cut contact with that man by the way...


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> purplesunsets said:
> 
> 
> > Thanks, Wilson. I think your question is similar to FeministinPink. I think my questions are for me, not him. I keep asking him, hoping he'll have the answer because I'm too scared of leaving him.. I don't want to leave him because of how much I love him. But can I sacrifice a family for him?
> ...


I appreciate your response. I don't think anyone, especially not a stranger, can tell me the right answer but I do appreciate where your answers are coming from! Thank you for your input. ?


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Well, my wife certainly fooled me though.
> 
> You can have it all, theoretically. But reality bites.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I think it is. It's just hard to get my heart to catch up to my head! And the part of me that is in denial keeps whispering lies, that maybe he'll change his mind. I know that's not likely, but I'm definitely grasping at straws with him regardless.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

purplesunsets said:


> Hi Suspicious,
> 
> Thank you so much for your response. He is overly quiet. He's a personal trainer so he definitely spends the day talking and is spent at the end of the day. The good thing is, we're very similar in this regard. I'm introverted too and I'm okay with just hanging out and not talking. I love that we can just be together without words. But when a situation requires active participation on both parts, he just listens. Some may think this is the dream...but it's very hard because I have absolutely NO IDEA where he truly stands.
> 
> I just don't know what he's so scared of. What's going to happen if he just says how he feels or what he's thinking? I can't understand someone literally having no emotions or feelings when they hear their wife say they want to separate. He cried. He has feelings. Why can't he express them in words?? Agh. I'm so frustrated. I'm not expecting a monologue...just throw me a bone here. Anything... "Don't leave." "I want to work on this" "you are important" "I love you" a kiss, a hug, anything. Nope...just totally shuts down. Or listens actively but doesn't say anything until the conversation is over and he can finally make a joke or make the conversation light again...


I can see how difficult it can be for you not having the ball tossed back at you. Frustration can really set in these delicate situations when decisions need to be made.

I know why prefer to stay silent, as I had a mother that was quite explosive when she did not get an answer swiftly, and when I did have a response she would tell me to shut up.
I'm lucky I don't have a speech impediments. 
I try to encourage my children to always speak up.
Not sure if your husban lack of talking is conditioning from a young age, but something to look into.

Good luck

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@purplesunsets, life is too short to wait for someone to jump on your bandwagon.

He may seem indecisive about kids, but from my perspective "I don't know" means "no." That's because you can never know exactly WHEN he will be ready (IF he is ever ready) because he doesn't know either.
Deal with knowns, not unknowns. 

You're plenty young enough to not waste any more years with a man who is not on the same page as you. You can love him to death and he can still be wrong for you.

Please for the love of whatever you hold dear, divorce amicably, heal, and go find a man who is on fire to have kids with you, if that is truly what you want for your future.
Don't give someone else power over your goals and personal timetable.
Time is the most precious commodity you have a finite amount of.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Satya said:


> @purplesunsets, life is too short to wait for someone to jump on your bandwagon.
> 
> He may seem indecisive about kids, but from my perspective "I don't know" means "no." That's because you can never know exactly WHEN he will be ready (IF he is ever ready) because he doesn't know either.
> Deal with knowns, not unknowns.
> ...


This. You are absolutely right and I actually said this to myself today. I only have one life, why do I want to sacrifice my goals and dreams for love? I should be in a Shakespeare play... So tragic. Haha, just kidding, I'm really not too eager to sacrifice on this one. My whole adult life I've either worked with kids or just had a deep desire to have them. It's not like sacrificing on where to live...which also is a big one and I'm already doing that one.

How do you step into the unknown? The fear of the unknown is holding me back. The irrational fear of possibly never finding someone and ending up childless anyways keeps me frozen.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

Suspicious1 said:


> I can see how difficult it can be for you not having the ball tossed back at you. Frustration can really set in these delicate situations when decisions need to be made.
> 
> I know why prefer to stay silent, as I had a mother that was quite explosive when she did not get an answer swiftly, and when I did have a response she would tell me to shut up.
> I'm lucky I don't have a speech impediments.
> ...


Wow, that's so horrible. I'm so sorry . I can imagine that has certainly conditioned you to think silence is best. I don't think this is the case for my husband, unless he's hiding his childhood from me. From what I've seen, his family is all jokes and sunshine, haha! It's definitely cultural.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> I feel I did not state it right.
> 
> From what I have seen, if you wish to have children, and you you are able to have children, and you fail to have children for any reason; after you are no longer able to have children your soul will weep with a misery you cannot imagine, as if they were born and died in your arms.
> 
> ...


William, I am so sorry to hear about your daughter. How tragic. I can't even imagine the pain you and your family have dealt with. That is heartbreaking.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Yes. But she lights up our lives, even now. It has been over 5 years so it is easier to discuss. Mary says our baby girl is happy while waiting for us.

Our sons bring fulfillment, along with frustration. Our eldest is a software architect, dabbling in software company speculation. It's fun to watch the children succeed.

You can't allay your need, if you need.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> This. You are absolutely right and I actually said this to myself today. I only have one life, why do I want to sacrifice my goals and dreams for love? I should be in a Shakespeare play... So tragic. Haha, just kidding, I'm really not too eager to sacrifice on this one. *My whole adult life I've either worked with kids or just had a deep desire to have them. It's not like sacrificing on where to live...which also is a big one and I'm already doing that one.
> *
> How do you step into the unknown? The fear of the unknown is holding me back. The irrational fear of possibly never finding someone and ending up childless anyways keeps me frozen.


This is very telling, this shows how important having a family is to you. I understand your fear of not finding someone again and still missing out on the family you wanted, but staying where you are guarantees you wont have that dream fulfilled. At least if that happens, it wouldnt be because someone else is denying you what you really want. 

It sounds like you married this man not really knowing WHO he is.


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

WilliamM said:


> Yes. But she lights up our lives, even now. It has been over 5 years so it is easier to discuss. Mary says our baby girl is happy while waiting for us.
> 
> Our sons bring fulfillment, along with frustration. Our eldest is a software architect, dabbling in software company speculation. It's fun to watch the children succeed.
> 
> You can't allay your need, if you need.


:smile2:


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## purplesunsets (Feb 26, 2018)

3Xnocharm said:


> This is very telling, this shows how important having a family is to you. I understand your fear of not finding someone again and still missing out on the family you wanted, but staying where you are guarantees you wont have that dream fulfilled. At least if that happens, it wouldnt be because someone else is denying you what you really want.
> 
> It sounds like you married this man not really knowing WHO he is.


Yeah, it's true. I still feel like I don't know who he really is because he is so incredibly closed. But yes, I didn't know these big things because I didn't dig, it's not in my nature, and he didn't willingly tell me, which is not in his nature. We had this conversation last night. He is happy in our marriage because he has known me truly and deeply all along. I've been open and he's seen who I am. I haven't truly seen who he is...perhaps I've seen a part of him that is real and a part of him that is a dream of how he could be if he changed. Horrible, I know. I always thought I wasn't that type of person, to want to change their partner, but I guess in this moment, I am.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

purplesunsets said:


> Yeah, it's true. I still feel like I don't know who he really is because he is so incredibly closed. But yes, I didn't know these big things because I didn't dig, it's not in my nature, and he didn't willingly tell me, which is not in his nature. We had this conversation last night. He is happy in our marriage because he has known me truly and deeply all along. I've been open and he's seen who I am. I haven't truly seen who he is...*perhaps I've seen a part of him that is real and a part of him that is a dream of how he could be if he changed.* Horrible, I know. I always thought I wasn't that type of person, to want to change their partner, but I guess in this moment, I am.


If he truly saw who you are and what you want out of life, it was very wrong for him to marry you when he knew that you wanted kids and he didn't. And it was very wrong for him to not make this difference in needs clear to you.

Regarding the bolded above, there's an old adage/joke that says, "Men marry women hoping she will never change; women marry men hoping he will." The subtext is that both genders here are in the wrong. It is foolish to think that the person you marry will _never _change, because people change and grow over the course of a lifetime. But it is also foolish to think that the person you are with will change into who you want them to be.

You should never base decisions in a relationship based on who you think your partner might be in the future, because you are setting yourself up for disappointment. And you should know that you can never change a person. If he wants to change, he will, but it may not be the change that you want to see, and then where are you? For a relationship to thrive, you must be willing to [and truly] accept them for who they are right now, warts and all.

It sounds like you perhaps fell in love and chose the _idea _of who he was, but you're finding that the real, human man you married is very different.


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