# Trying to figure it out



## Klb776 (Feb 1, 2018)

My husband that I have been married to for 11 years told me 2 weeks ago the he cheated on me with 4 women 6-7 years ago. I don’t even know what to do. We now have 2 kids 3yo and 8 month old. How do you move past this? Do I break up our family over something that happened so long ago? How do you look past this? He told me he’s trying to change and become a better person and this has been something he wanted to tell me for a long time. I just don’t get it, we get along all the time. Rarely fight, always present for each other, do things as a family all the time. But now I just look at him and don’t understand how he could do that. I’m so lost.


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Klb776 said:


> My husband that I have been married to for 11 years told me 2 weeks ago the he cheated on me with 4 women 6-7 years ago. I don’t even know what to do. We now have 2 kids 3yo and 8 month old. How do you move past this? Do I break up our family over something that happened so long ago? How do you look past this? He told me he’s trying to change and become a better person and this has been something he wanted to tell me for a long time. I just don’t get it, we get along all the time. Rarely fight, always present for each other, do things as a family all the time. But now I just look at him and don’t understand how he could do that. I’m so lost.


I'd be struggling with a revelation of this magnitude as well. You must feel your world has been turned upside down. What prompted him to tell you of his betrayal 5 years after the fact? What is his explanation for why the affairs occurred? Four women...were these relationships, or one-nighters? Do you know the women?


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## Klb776 (Feb 1, 2018)

Don't Panic said:


> Klb776 said:
> 
> 
> > My husband that I have been married to for 11 years told me 2 weeks ago the he cheated on me with 4 women 6-7 years ago. I don’t even know what to do. We now have 2 kids 3yo and 8 month old. How do you move past this? Do I break up our family over something that happened so long ago? How do you look past this? He told me he’s trying to change and become a better person and this has been something he wanted to tell me for a long time. I just don’t get it, we get along all the time. Rarely fight, always present for each other, do things as a family all the time. But now I just look at him and don’t understand how he could do that. I’m so lost.
> ...




He has no explanation he just says over and over he doesnt know why he did it . He was an instructor in the marine corps and 2 of them were students, one was an aquaintence of ours, and the last one was his cousins ex wife who lives 16 hours from us that we don’t really know, just met at holidays and what not. So a mix of relationships and one night stands. He said he told me because while working on himself in therapy he learned that it was the right thing to do. I just don’t know what to believe.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Wow.

If he has not cheated in 6 years, if he is truly devoted to you and will not cheat again, then he relieved his conscious at your expense. It was a selfish and cruel act. If it was truly over, he should have spent the rest of his life treating you like gold and he should have taken this to his grave.

Now you have to figure out whether the past 6 years have been a lie, whether you can ever trust him again (how many other lies has he kept and for how long?), and whether you can forgive his infidelity and his cruelty.

For now, I suggest you don't try to figure out anything. Pack up those dear children and move to you mother's or a friend's house. Cut off contact with him completely - therapists often suggest a period of no contact as a cooling off time when infidelity is discovered. Take care of yourself. Journal everything those dear children do and revel in their growth and change. Take care of yourself. Go for walks. Take up a hobby. See how you feel in 3 months. 

Good luck. My heart breaks for you


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

You describe your marriage as stable. How long has he been in therapy, what were the issues that motivated him to seek help from a therapist? Apparently not his struggles with fidelity and loyalty since you were unaware of his affairs. 
Is he still in the Marine Corp?
You mentioned it's been 2 weeks. What is his demeanor towards you now...remorseful? Transparent? I would have a LOT of questions....is he answering them? Are you asking them? 

I won't tell you what I would do (yet) if I discovered I had married a serial cheater because I don't want to unduly steer your own decision making process regarding your own unique marriage. Some distance and taking care of yourself and your children as NickyT mentioned is a good, rational place to start. 
Truly devastating. I'm so sorry.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NickyT said:


> Wow.
> 
> If he has not cheated in 6 years, if he is truly devoted to you and will not cheat again, then *he relieved his conscious at your expense. * It was a selfish and cruel act. If it was truly over, he should have spent the rest of his life treating you like gold and he should have taken this to his grave.
> 
> ...


Good post.

Yes, he relieved his conscience at your expense. No doubt.

To be fair, he also gave you what you deserve to know. Hurtful or not.

I suspect that he does not love you [enough]. 

a) If he were madly in love with you, he would never had cheated in the first place.
b) If he were madly in love with you, he would never tell you, knowing that the hurt would tear you apart.

I suspect that there are other reasons for his 6 year [later] confession.

a) He does not really love you that much. 
b) He is on the fence. Undecided.
c) He wants YOU to pull the plug on the marriage
d) He fears or knows that someone is going to rat him out. 
e) He is giving you a poop test. To see if you really love him. If you still do, he then will move forward with making the effort to be a good man. No more secrets.

Or, he listened to the what, the therapist? Someone convinced him to come clean? And he did.
*This certainly belongs in the arena of possibilities. He does feel guilty, you have a right to know 
*

I would give this decision of marriage or divorce a year to settle out. 

This is all still new to you, a shock.

You later may become bitter, and who would not?
Become bitter, lose love and respect for him and then become roommates. 
And then hate him. A strong possibility.

I think Nicky T's answer is the best.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Klb776 said:


> My husband that I have been married to for 11 years told me 2 weeks ago the he cheated on me with 4 women 6-7 years ago. I don’t even know what to do. We now have 2 kids 3yo and 8 month old. How do you move past this? Do I break up our family over something that happened so long ago? How do you look past this? He told me he’s trying to change and become a better person and this has been something he wanted to tell me for a long time. I just don’t get it, we get along all the time. Rarely fight, always present for each other, do things as a family all the time. But now I just look at him and don’t understand how he could do that. I’m so lost.


So there was nothing specific that prompted his confession?

Do you work outside the home?


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> You later may become bitter, and who would not?
> Become bitter, lose love and respect for him and then become roommates.
> And then hate him. A strong possibility.


A strong possibility indeed.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

For you this just happened now. For him it is old news. This can create a divide or barrier between you making recovery more difficult. It sounds like your H wants to heal the marriage, and hopefully he will be cooperative with the process. However, he needs to understand that for you it is like the affairs just happened now. Frequently the cheater will get frustrated with the questions or anger of the betrayed, and then they come out with "you need to just get over this" or something similar.

I recommend the book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring. It is a book for both of you to read, and it explains the perspective and needs of both sides. Yes he cheated, but that doesn't mean he doesn't have challenges in the process. The book does not excuse the cheating at all, btw.

I think you should seek good marriage therapy with a qualified therapist who is experienced in dealing with infidelity.

Some therapists don't really deal with the cheating, they just move right into improving communications, spending more time together, etc. This will not help you out! You need a therapist who will work through the issues related to the cheating, but be sure they don't blame you at all. We are all imperfect spouses, but whatever your imperfections are they don't justify him cheating. A good therapist won't let him get away with saying he cheated because you did/didn't XYZ. Once you deal with the betrayal aspects, then you can start rebuilding trust, and then you can build a new marriage.

You will feel unable to trust him for quite a while. Even though he volunteered the information and he is not cheating now, you will have a lot of doubts, questions, distrust, and paranoia. Good marriage therapy can help with this.

He should seek individual therapy to deal with his issues, including how he could have done those things.

You may want individual therapy separate from the MC. The marriage counselor cannot be both an individual therapist and the marriage therapist for you. They will likely see each of you individually at times, but it is always as part of treating the marriage.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

K776,

He confesses multiple affair... 6-7 years ago. From my personal experience Serial Cheaters rarely completely confess it all. Not to throw gas on the fire... but as bad as 4 affair over 7 years ago sounds, the reality it's probably worse. 

In some weird Cheater Logic the "Math" of reducing the length of the affair to a ONS and pushing it back to years ago somehow reduces the significance. When cornered, most SC will admit that the thrill of next affair is always there... an addiction. 

Steel yourself, don't be supersized or mislead. There is a strong probability your H has been cheating the length of your marriage. Oh and his coming clean now do to "improving" himself... don't believe it. There is a very concrete damning reason hiding there.


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## Klb776 (Feb 1, 2018)

Don't Panic said:


> You describe your marriage as stable. How long has he been in therapy, what were the issues that motivated him to seek help from a therapist? Apparently not his struggles with fidelity and loyalty since you were unaware of his affairs.
> Is he still in the Marine Corp?
> You mentioned it's been 2 weeks. What is his demeanor towards you now...remorseful? Transparent? I would have a LOT of questions....is he answering them? Are you asking them?
> 
> ...



He answers everything I ask even when I ask the same thing over and over again.We have basically been going through the motions of life with the kids and work without any affection per say. He’s asked to like sit with me on the couch or tried to hold my hand in the car kind of thing but I have cut him off from anything of the sort. Talking when we can. I work night shift and he has gone through boxes in our house and pulled out all sorts of pictures and what not of us. Put them all over the house. He does act remorseful I have never seen him cry like I have. 
He’s no longer in, got out 4 years ago and has been a sahd ever since. He went back to school this semester. So up until January we have spent literally every single day together the past 4 years. He doesn’t go out with friends unless we’re together. Hell we barely go shopping without each other. We are literally together allll the time. He’s a wonderful father to our boys. He was going to therapy because he had a lot of issues from deployments and what not. He got a TBI while deployed in 2007 and didn’t really seek proper treatment for that until probably end of 2012 when his headaches, anxiety, depression got worse. 
The other thing is I’m I don’t know embarrassed or ashamed to tell my parents. We don’t live near any of his family. My family recently moved 1000 miles to live near us. I just feel like my life has imploded and it’s all I think about but go to work and make a brave face cause I don’t really feel like I have anyone I can really talk to.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

I think hes being remorsefull. I think his deployment and ptsd could be a huge part of how he acted. I think It was good he told you.I think hes brave for telling you. 

It appears hes very sorry and remorsefull . If you have it in you go to counseling and try to forgive.

But its your call if you know you can't get past this then you know.

I also think this message board can be fickle. He most certinly should have told you .

Hope you guys can work through this .

Good luck


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Very sorry you are here dealing with this. It is a real **** sandwich.

I guess before throwing out labels, speculating that he's been cheating on you the whole time or calling him a lost cause, it would be helpful to know what was going on with him at that particular point in his life. Sounds like so far what you have is a one year??? period where he is acting out. Was there something that triggered it? 

When did the TBI occur? Have they identified any complications as a result?

What has he been discussing in therapy and is he willing to bring you in with his therapist for a sit down discussion to talk about it?


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

Do not listen to the bitter individuals who are encouraging you to seperate... He did not make the disclosure at your expense... he feels remorse for betraying you.

Be open and honest with him about how you are feeling and what your needs are in recovering from the injury he caused. No one is perfect... sounds like he is trying though.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Have you been tested for STDs?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Also, you should NOT be embarrassed to talk with your family about this -- HE did this, NOT YOU. You didn't do anything wrong, HE DID. You need to get support on this. If you don't want to tell your entire family, that's fine, but talk with someone you trust (mother, father, sister,,,). It does sound like he is remorseful and trying to do the right thing (the boards here are weird - they always say the WS should tell their spouse, but then you see comments here that he should have kept it to himself). By telling you, he's giving YOU the chance to make your decision about it.

VERY sorry you are going through this. Ask questions, even over and over, it's ok to get mad. If you want to make sure you are getting everything, have him write a timeline with all details, and then if you want, get a polygraph to help verify....


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

NickyT said:


> Wow.
> 
> If he has not cheated in 6 years, if he is truly devoted to you and will not cheat again, then he relieved his conscious at your expense. It was a selfish and cruel act. If it was truly over, he should have spent the rest of his life treating you like gold and he should have taken this to his grave.
> 
> ...


This is contrary to most advice given on this site. Usually when someone comes to the site asking what to do when they have cheated on their spouse, they are told to confess. 

I think what your husband did was terrible, but telling you about it was the right thing to do. You now have the information and can choose what to do with it.

I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. It is a very personal decision and only you know if he is worth forgiving or if you are the type of person who can get past something like this.

I wish you the best and am very sorry you are having to go through this.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

SadSamIAm said:


> This is contrary to most advice given on this site. Usually when someone comes to the site asking what to do when they have cheated on their spouse, they are told to confess.
> 
> I think what your husband did was terrible, but telling you about it was the right thing to do. You now have the information and can choose what to do with it.
> 
> ...


If the confession is within a reasonable amount of time and there are issues to work out, then yes, I agree, the person needs to confess.

OP states that the marriage is good and that the man is now, and has been for the last 6 years, a good and faithful husband who she is happy with.

If the infidelities are over, if the marriage is good and there is no threat that they will be repeated - and OP gave us every indication that this is the case, and her husband says the same - then what is the point of the confession after all these years? It only ruins what has been created and hurts the wife while the husband feels free of the guilt.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

NickyT said:


> If the confession is within a reasonable amount of time and there are issues to work out, then yes, I agree, the person needs to confess.
> 
> OP states that the marriage is good and that the man is now, and has been for the last 6 years, a good and faithful husband who she is happy with.
> 
> If the infidelities are over, if the marriage is good and there is no threat that they will be repeated - and OP gave us every indication that this is the case, and her husband says the same - then what is the point of the confession after all these years? It only ruins what has been created and hurts the wife while the husband feels free of the guilt.


So your message is that if you cheat, just wait until it is no longer a 'reasonable amount of time' and then you don't need to tell your spouse about it.:smile2:

I actually get what you are saying. I actually agree with you. I have been married for 30 years. If my wife cheated on my 20 years ago and never did again, I would rather not know about it. Because it would ruin the rest of our time together or may split us apart.

But many people don't feel that way. Many would want to know and feel they are living a lie if their spouse did cheat and never told them. 

My comment was that the standard response here to cheaters is to confess. I don't think it is the correct thing to do in all cases.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> I actually get what you are saying. I actually agree with you. I have been married for 30 years. If my wife cheated on my 20 years ago and never did again, I would rather not know about it. Because it would ruin the rest of our time together or may split us apart.


Yes, you could go to your grave never knowing of the affair. You may believe you've had a good marriage. Fat, dumb, and happy as they say. However, there is always the risk of you discovering her affair at some later date. She may have been faithful for the last 20 years, but if tomorrow you find out from other than her of her affair, you would be devastated far more than had she confessed today.

The truth has a way of coming out eventually. Aside from all the other issues, your theory is based on having had what seems like a great marriage. Frequently that is not the case even when the affair is not discovered. The betrayed was cheated out of the choice to leave the marriage and find a better marriage. Lots of people don't leave bad marriages out of loyalty, or wasn't quite bad enough to leave, but they would have left if they'd known of infidelity. Furthermore, the affair can have a negative effect on the cheater, which does impact the marriage even though the betrayed is not aware of it. But if we assume you indeed have a great marriage, there is always the real chance of the truth coming out years down the road. This is where your theory falls to the ground.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Your WH is running a con job on you. You would have found out about the A sooner or later, so he headed you off at the pass. See a lawyer right now, and don't let him talk you out of it.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> So up until January we have spent literally every single day together the past 4 years. He doesn’t go out with friends unless we’re together. Hell we barely go shopping without each other. We are literally together all the time. He’s a wonderful father to our boys. He was going to therapy because he had a lot of issues from deployments and what not.


Your posts indicate that your husband is remorseful and has proven that by his actions for the last 6 years. I would suggest that you ask your yourself the famous question of:
*“Are you better off with him or without him?”*

If you are v better off with him then get a plan and help for you to get through this cruises the best you can. If not, then make a plan to leave him and make your life better.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

You need to find out if he is being “blackmailed” by one of the 4 affair partners, and that’s why he confessed now.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Just because this happened years ago it does not mean this gets to be rug swept. If you do want to stay with your husband and work on forgiveness he has to experience consequences.

Your husband needs to hand up all passwords to phone, emails, social media, etc and start being accountable for his whereabouts. This will prove to your husband that you are by no means comfortable with his revelation and such behavour will likely not be tolerated again.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Klb776, I'm sorry you are here. Your H can't figure out why he messed with X number of women, yet can actually hold the means of life and death in his hands.
He's a marine, for God's sake. He can handle and be accountable for millions of $ in equipment. Nope, This guy is conning you. See a lawyer fast and file for the D now. That will get his attention right away. In the end you don't have to go through with the D.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Klb776 just checking in to see how you are doing...


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