# Hopeless. Empty. Wife might be "cheating".



## 345442 (Jul 25, 2020)

This is nothing new for me to come to these sites, but I feel I need someone to talk to about what is about to go down.

Backstory of where I'm coming from.

We met in college. She was fresh out of HS and I had been in school for a few years. We met on her first night on campus. We hit it off, and then, later that night we had sex. It was awesome, wonderful, just blew me away. I had not been to sexually active, losing my virginity at 22. Our relationship was up and down and very tumultuous. She was a wild child, going out, hanging with other dudes, and she had been raped twice. Each time I sought the offender out, but each time she held me off.

Fast forward to the conception of our first child. We were not married, and so within less than a year of meeting we were married.

We had out ups and downs, then in 2003, after being married fro 7 years, she started hanging with people I did not trust. I was also insecure about myself. She had neglected her familial obligations and I was not very much help either. We got into a huge fight and it got physical. I did not hit her, but it was enough for me to go to anger management and therapy. She refused to go with me. We eventually made amends, but the damage was done. Off and one we have had huge fights, some great sex, some horrible sex, and to be honest... I don't really meet her needs like she needs me to. My staying off power is weak. I try, but each time it's just... Anyway.

Fast forward to now. Been married 24 years, have 3 kids, 24, 20, 7. My wive claims she was close to leaving me when our youngest was born. It came as a shock. I really had no idea I was that bad of a husband. Well anyway she has battled depression and began to online game. She used to do it a few hours a night or day but now it's almost every day for 10 hours or more. She seems withdrawn, unmotivated, emotionless, unless it's ONLINE. Well she got a vibrator in December of 2019 and asked if I wanted to be a part of it, but I threw it in her face! I felt inadequate. I'm far from the dude you would rely on for a "big lay" if you know what I mean. It was a slap in my face! Instead of being enthusiastic, I was an Ass! Anyway, she bought some sexy outfits. They really excited me, but to be honest we might have sex once a month if that. Anyway she is very good friends with two 20 something year old dudes. They are very raunchy together and have even watched porn together. Well she went to visit them about 1000 miles away. I was cleaning her room and trying to put some stuff away when I noticed her vibrator was missing. So was her sexy outfits. I held off a few days to confront her, but she maintains she took the vibrator because "she has needs". I understand that. What I don't get is why would she take the sexy lingerie? She says she returned them to Amazon. I did not see a return on Amazon. I called them and chatted with them. Nope, not returned. Why in hell would she lie about it unless she is hiding something. She knows I am a nosy dude. If there's smoke there is fire. I will find it.

You can now imagine how freaked out I am. I want to work this out. I want to try, but she might not have anything left to give. The gaming damage might be too much? She comes home on Monday and I want to confront her. I have proof from Amazon that there were no returns.

Any help is welcome. I feel so empty right now.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I think you can put two and two together and figure out where the vibrators and sexy outfits were used, and they didn't involve you.
If she is going 1K miles away to visit two 20 year old dudes, she isn't that into you.
All you can do is sit down with her and deal with the mess.
If she wants to be married to you and vice versa, you both have some changes to make and work to do. Either you both want to do it or you don't.
If one or both of you don't, it is probably best to carve the carcass that is your marriage up and move on.


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## 345442 (Jul 25, 2020)

I know. I know. This is so unlike her. It's not something she's done before. She's not consciously gone out of her way to meet up with guys. She keeps maintaining they are just friends, and she said her "Vow to me was still intact" but I still don't want her messing around with others, especially in person!


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Ultimatum time. Them or you. Make her choose.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Of course she is traveling 1000 miles just to visit. 🤦🏻‍♂️

I can’t believe you even let her out the door without telling her to hit the road for good.

I’d love to go on and on about all the things you have done incorrectly but I’m 45 and don’t have that much time left on earth ... figure I’ll die about 85.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You let her lady volcano simmer and build up pressure.
You did not take the time to release it with something other than excuses.

She found two young dudes that will oblige her. Over and over.

You piddled, while she diddled, and now you have lost her.
I feel sorry for both of you, her, more than you.

_Lilith-_


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## 345442 (Jul 25, 2020)

Well I certainly appreciate all the kind words from all you folks. The support you have given really helps me.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

ask the mods to move this to infidelity


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Eric G. said:


> I know. I know. This is so unlike her. It's not something she's done before. She's not consciously gone out of her way to meet up with guys. She keeps maintaining they are just friends, and she said her "Vow to me was still intact" but I still don't want her messing around with others, especially in person!


It definitely is face the music time.
Sounds like you should have taken some action back in 2003.
Frankly, you should have issued the ultimatum before she hit the door, telling her that if she is leaving that she better take the rest of her stuff with her.
Tell her that you will entertain believing that she kept her vow to you intact when it is verified via polygraph.


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Brother, we all have needs, but to travel 1000 km to meet two 20 yo gaming community kids sorry but no she is having a A.
Show her the Amazon statement. But she has left the marriage. This is her exit A.
one day at a time
Buffer


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

She told you she was thinking of divorcing you, and she is watching porn with other men. Then she went 1000 km to be with those dudes. Common man what do you think is happening. 

You were cool with other men watching porn with your wife dude, let that sink in.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Go see a lawyer, have the papers ready when she walks in the door. She is treating you like a doormat and you are letting her!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You have no clue what your wife is capable of. 10 to 1 she was never raped. She was just defending her lovers from you. You must of know she had been with someone so she claimed rape. I would even question if your kids are actually your kids.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

I'm sorry, I'm going to be blunt, this will be a 2x4.

This is a **** show. Your wife is currently getting spit roasted by 2 young guys. Maybe the mental picture will make you angry. Which at this point is what you need to be.

I'm sorry you have a 7 year old at home still. Her wanting to have left around the time of the birth tells me you should also DNA test that child.

I don't know how much you've read on this forum about getting out of infidelity. But, I'd never recommend reconciling, I always recommend divorce. To my mind, reconciling is just having the rest of your life having a **** sandwich on your plate. In my experience, and from what I've read, although as painful as it is, a divorce will allow you to heal. And that's what I want for you or anyone else in your shoes, to heal from this.

See a lawyer like yesterday, get the best custody agreement you can. Give her what she wants. I wish you and your kids the best going forward.

Additionally, might I suggest doing some reading at 'chumplady.com'. Lose a cheater, gain a life.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

ABHale said:


> You have no clue what your wife is capable of. 10 to 1 she was never raped. She was just defending her lovers from you. You must of know she had been with someone so she claimed rape. I would even question if your kids are actually your kids.


I was just about to write this exact post. Likely used the word rape to excuse one night stands. You guys were never a match - she's too wild and you are too tame. Bad matchup. She seems bored with you - as she has insatiable "needs". I would absolutely DNA the kids.

Also, what 40 something adult plays video games 10 hours a day?? Does she work?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Hey buddy you got to get a clue... on basic relationship or life matters. first of all you blew it when she asked you to participate playing with her vibrator. you couldn’t have done anything worse than what you just did by getting pissed off and throwing that in her face that’s completely blown it. You’ll be lucky if she wants to have sex with you again. So why are you surprised that she went 1000 miles away to get laid because that’s what she did if you haven’t got that clue... OK so we all know that she went there to have a f**k fest. OK first of all when is it OK for your wife to watch porn with two different guys what the ****. Let me tell you that wouldn’t be happening at all. She’s watching porn with anyone should be with you. you might as well just chalk this one up as a learning experience in this relationship get out and get a new one because you done just too much damage and she’s Super tramp and not the band. she’s a cheating lying disgusting person that’s who you’re married to you so good luck. your wife is a terrible person at least to you. I feel sorry for you and your situation. Please do the right thing get away from her. God bless


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Eric G. said:


> Anyway she is very good friends with two 20 something year old dudes.


Sounds like your wife at 40 something, is still wired for two twenty. Have you ask her what gauge wire these ole boys will be installing?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Well it’s Sunday afternoon.... the dudes are empty and she is bow legged. Batteries probably need a recharge as well. Those dudes are going to have a hell of a story for their buddies....legends.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

VladDracul said:


> Sounds like your wife at 40 something, is still wired for two twenty. Have you ask her what gauge wire these ole boys will be installing?


220 dual strand or twisted pair

or 3 way phase

3 way gang box

3 position switch


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Yep, the gauge wire Eric pulled apparently couldn't handle the amps and overheated her junction box.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

shortbus said:


> This is a **** show. Your wife is currently getting spit roasted by 2 young guys. Maybe the mental picture will make you angry. Which at this point is what you need to be.





Mr.Married said:


> 220 dual strand or twisted pair
> or 3 way phase
> 3 way gang box
> 3 position switch





VladDracul said:


> Yep, the gauge wire Eric pulled apparently couldn't handle the amps and overheated her junction box.


LOL hahahaha 

@Eric G.

This may seem brutal but we are hoping you overcome the first stage of your grief, the denial.


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

SunCMars said:


> You let her lady volcano simmer and build up pressure.
> You did not take the time to release it with something other than excuses.
> 
> She found two young dudes that will oblige her. Over and over.
> ...


Hhhhhhhoooooolllly crap. Chill out. Seriously. Have some empathy. You do know he probably has some emasculating issues right now... and you want to pile on?

Can we NOT pile on this subject?... Seriously people. I'm sick and tired of people using the 2x4 excuse while absolutely throwing fueled acid at people.

It's possible to speak the truth that, most likely she went on that trip to sleep with one or both these men , WITHOUT talking about split roasting and doing everything in our power to make someone who is obviously deeply hurting and at an extreme low I in life judge himself even more insanely harshly than I'm sure he already is.

Confident people don't deal with this the way we would all hope. That's why we come here. Asking for help. Strangers.

Why ask a stranger? Because they are afraid ashamed or confused.

To use the pages here to give voice to every self incrimination this BS no doubt feels, does not help him. It hinders him. Hurts him.

Yes! We need to help him realise what is happening. To see reality. BUT, we should also not seek to harm those who come here just to achieve that.

There is absolutely no reason to use some of the terminology I am seeing this thread. It's bordering on abusive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Abusive terminology* will *be deleted and other action will be considered.


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

To the op.

I'm sorry for the reception. Welcome to he... lol. But no, seriously. Welcome to the club. It's kinda crap, but its helpful and there are extremely nice people around here. Emotions run high and many stories can bring up hurt in those trying to help.

Others believe "blunt" words can shake a BS out of the shell shock. They can. And you do need to see reality. But please remember, not one deceitful action of hers is your fault. Not one. In any way. We don't take responsibility for the actions of others. That's faulty thinking.

You _have_ made many mistakes op. I hope you learn from them. Chief among them is not trusting your own judgment.

When something walks, swims, and quacks like a duck... You don't need forensic evidence to believe it's a duck. Just because you love the person telling you that's not a duck, doesnt mean you believe them. The red flags are sooo numerous as to be staggering. Some will even claim you to be a troll. I reserve judgment. 

Suffice it to say that your story is such that if put in front of just about any adult, most, if not all, would believe, without a doubt, your wife is cheating.

I'm not going to dig into you about it. I will however ask. Why? Why are you doubting what you know happened? Why are you asking a forum of strangers what you already know?

You are HOPING you are wrong. You aren't. It's pretty clear. And unless she PROVES otherwise, clearly and without fuss, operate under the conviction that she cheated and intends to continue given the opportunity. 

There is ALWAYS opportunity. You can't be the marriage police. Even if you could... That's hell.

You need to begin working on yourself. Seek counseling. Start talking to lawyers. Figure out what divorce looks like.Start protecting yourself, your children, and as much as your lifes work as you can.

Your wife is not your friend. She is not being honest. Even in the nearly impossible likelihood that she didn't have sex or romantic relations with anyone on that trip, she is taking highly suspect actions. Actions that breed affairs.

You don't agree to disagree about this type of stuff. You stand your ground. You mark your line. You fight for your own interests. Why don't You? Might want to talk to a professional about it. I bet it would help.

Depending on your willingness to share your wife vs willingness to fight for yourself, this will end one of two ways. 

1. She will continue cheating on you and gaslighting you. Continued highly suspicious behavior that WILL drive you insane.

2. You will stop this. Either through her meeting your demands, or divorcing should she fail to meet them.

You need to stand up for yourself. If you don't, option one is the only way this goes.

She isnt going to spontantiously decide to start being a good wife, and hoping for it is foolish.

Start proceeding towards a seperate life. One less entwined with hers. Your children are your number one concern now. Not her. She's not on the team. And untill you are damn damn damn sure she is 100000 percent on your team, proceed with leaving and divorce.

One step at a time. Don't worry. Most places it takes forever. You have time to turn back. But you can't do this with her as it stands. Trying to be the nice guy will get you absolutely nowhere.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

FoolishOne said:


> not one deceitful action of hers is your fault. Not one. In any way. We don't take responsibility for the actions of others. That's faulty thinking.


But not stopping her earlier and having absolutely no personal boundaries Or self respect in his relationship has been the setup for a disaster. Not to mention an entire host of insecurity problems.

Most people couldn’t make this many mistakes even if they entered a Chinese spelling contest.


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## FoolishOne (Sep 19, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> But not stopping her earlier and having absolutely no personal boundaries Or self respect in his relationship has been the setup for a disaster. Not to mention an entire host of insecurity problems.
> 
> Most people couldn’t make this many mistakes even if they entered a Chinese spelling contest.


I believe I kinda hit on that point in my post.

No one is saying he doesnt need to take charge of his life and start respecting himself.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Am I reading this right? Your 40 something wife has been "playing" with 2 20 something males on-line including raunchy sex related activities and has now traveled 1,000 miles to meet them in person??????

There is no confusion or guessing about this. She went to make all the sex talk and raunchy on-line play a reality.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Your sex life is once a month due to your quick draw?
There are ways to get around that. If you are only performing once a month that alone is cause for short sessions.
Once a month is considered a sexless marriage. Assuming your wife is normal, your dead bedroom is driving her up a wall.

Youngest is seven. Read up on the seven year itch. It’s real.

As far as premature finishes go, professional porn actors didn’t used to last all that long.Different camera angles and multiple sessions among other things made things look better than they were. Now, according to reports, they use impotence drugs to maintain erections several times a day.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FoolishOne said:


> Have some empathy. You do know he probably has some emasculating issues right now... and you want to pile on?
> 
> Yes! We need to help him realise what is happening. To see reality. BUT, we should also not seek to harm those who come here just to achieve that.
> 
> There is absolutely no reason to use some of the terminology I am seeing this thread. It's bordering on abusive.


A fair point.
How could any emphatic person not agree with this?

The thing is.....

Using _nice_ words, _nice_ advice, and offering _nice_ critical assessment works well with some folks.

Our OP is so nicely lost.

Only harsh reality will shake loose the hot chains he has put onto himself.

He needs to see his end of the tattered rope. Seeing that broken rope (loop) that was once his marriage.

It takes two to create, and sustain a marriage. OP knew of this wife's problem, that, she was oversexed and under-serviced.

He should have bent over backwards to correct that which was broken.
Before, she went online and sought out other men.

What we have here is the same-old, same-old.

This couple was not made for each other.
They were *incompatible, from the get-go.

It happens, let her go.

OP, let yourself go and be free to do whatever it is that makes you happy.

I do agree, swinging 2 x 4's is far easier (and fun?) than giving feasible advice.
The problem with marital advice is that it rarely works, for the *reason stated above.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

File on her. I can't tell you the number of stories that are like yours, 3. Collect the evidence and file. Do your 180.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

345442 said:


> . We met on her first night on campus. We hit it off, and then, later that night we had sex. It was awesome, wonderful, just blew me away. I had not been to sexually active, losing my virginity at 22. Our relationship was up and down and very tumultuous. She was a wild child, going out, hanging with other dudes, and she had been raped twice. Each time I sought the offender out, but each time she held me off.
> 
> .
> 
> ...


Read everything you wrote above. 

She simply isn't wife material. 

Let's be honest here, you were kind of the naive, innocent boy that didn't have much experience with girls and she was the party girl that was used to getting pumped and dumped by the alphas and turned to someone "safe" that wasn't going to use and discard her. 

Me suspects that you have a bit of White Knight Syndrome and that a part of you wants to rescue a damsel in distress. Dr Laura Schlesinger put it best about White Knights - "when men rescue damsels in distress, all they have to show for it in the end is a distressed damsel on their hands." 

You'll never know the full truth and will probably only ever know the very tip of the iceberg, but if I had to bet it all, I would bet the farm that this is no where near her first rodeo and that she has probably had string of affairs and dalliences throughout your entire relationship. 

You probably do not want to mess with it at this time, but I would not blame you if you were to DNA test the kids but that is a whole other topic. 

My point is you got played as the naive chump here. And you are still being chumped and still being naive if you have one single shred of doubt as to what she is doing with these guys. 

We tend to view the world through our own character and perspective. You are a nice man who probably would never even consider being selfish or lying or cheating or stepping out on your marriage and there for it's hard for you to fathom that other people can and will do those things without even batting an eye. 

Your 'wife' is not you. she does not have your character or your values or your moral compass. She is an alien species from you but has posed as a wife and mother but has likely been playing the field while you have been holding down the fort. 

It's time to take away her gravy train and her support from you. She has not held up her end of the bargain or her obligations as a wife and mother.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I also want to say that you will never know the full extent of her infidelities. She is a pro and likely a career cheater while you have innocently been going through life blissfully unaware of her flaws or have been making excuses and covering for her. 

You are not going to get a full confession and you are not going to have that big Perry Mason "Ah Hah!!" moment in court where she breaks down on stand and makes the big confession nor will you have the Scooby Doo ending where you pull off her mask and she is the owner of the haunted amusement park and says she would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for your meddling. 

She'll deny everything and always have some kind of excuse that she pulls out of each pocket. 

But here's the thing - you don't have to convince her that she is cheating or that she is a crappy wife. She is fully aware and knows everything she has done. You don't have to convince her and you do not have to extract a full confession. 

You simply just need to face your own reality and take the course of action that will be best for your own sanity and well being. 

You don't even need to get her to agree to a divorce. You just have to fill out the proper paperwork and file it with the court and pay the associated court costs and lawyer fees etc. Chances are you are in a no-fault state where it doesn't even matter if she cheated or not. And even if you are in a fault state, the most you'd get out of that might be some kind of tidbit in the settlement where it is recognized that the moneys she spent on her travels and affairs were out of the marital assets and so you may get a few dollars more in your share of the settlement. 

But unless she is chartering private jets for weekend getaways to Europe or something, that wouldn't be worth the extra lawyer fees and court costs to pursue that in court. 

The bottom line here is divorce courts really don't care who cheated on who and there for it is not worth the extra time and energy to produce indisputable proof of the full extent or force a confession etc. 

All you need is just enough so that you know. 

You do have some naivete' and some blissful ignorance to overcome, but you are well on your way. You will see the light shortly.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Dee---vorce!


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