# Is our engagement ruined?



## Sinking Love Boat (Nov 27, 2010)

I am desperately seeking advice about my situation because I am making myself crazy and can't take it anymore. I've been dating my boyfriend for 8 years now. He is 28 and I am 25. In the beginning of our relationship I really didn't consider marriage(mostly because we were so young). As the years past we both talked about it and had stated we wanted to get married one day. A few years ago we started talking about it more seriously, but he has always said that he doesn't want to marry me without having something to offer me. Since then he has dropped out of college and now just works full time at a dead end job. I honestly don't care about what he has to offer me financially, but he seems to be stuck on it yet has done nothing to move in that direction.

It seems like now whenever marriage is brought up he can only make passing jokes about it like we should just go elope. Over the past 2 years a few friends and family members of ours have gotten married. Each time he has made comments about how stupid it was for them to get married. 

About a year and a half ago I started telling him that I wanted to get married once I finished my bachelors degree. I mentioned it to him numerous times how it would be great timing plus when I start graduate school and move away we could live in the campus housing for married couples. Every time he seemed to agree but he never said anything again after that. 

I have since graduated and there has been no hint at even a proposal. I brought it up again a few months ago and he acted like it was the first time I had ever said anything. He even said if he had known I wanted to get married he would have proposed on a recent trip we had taken. I tried not to get upset and just took it as him being completely absent minded. I didn't bring it up again thinking he would soon propose. 

Since then we have gone on 2 more trips. The most recent one being our 8 year anniversary trip. On our way home after the trip (and still no proposal) I finally blew up. He unloaded all these stupid reasonings, none of which made sense. He went from saying he thought I wanted us to find a place first to he couldn't figure out what to do for a ring. He had even said he planned to ask me on our previous trip but then decided not to(why not, I have no idea!). 

Now I think I am more upset than anything about him not taking this as seriously as I am. I don't know whether or not to believe any of his excuses. He tells me he loves me more than anything and without a doubt he wants to marry me. I don't want to make him feel like I'm rushing him or forcing him to do something he's not ready to do, but I just feel like 8 years is a long time to be with someone and not have any real commitment. 

After telling him how I felt he got very scared and nervous that I would leave him. Now he says that he is going to ask me and he's been looking into rings, but even if he does propose to me now I feel like the engagement is ruined. I will constantly feel like I pushed him into it. And that is the absolute last thing I want. 

I just want to know if I am being unreasonable and maybe now just isn't the right time? I have no idea what to do.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

He doesn't want to marry you.

Now you need to decide if you are willing to have a boyfriend or move on. He will never be more than a boyfriend.

If you give him an ultimatum, he may marry you, but you can bet that during your first argument, he will say, "I never wanted to marry you anyway!".
Move on, find a good man and let this one go.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Tough one , 

This is an action speaks louder than words answer. 

I read that he does not want to marry you, it could be innocent that that he is comfortable in the relationship with you and sees no reason to change it or he just does not want to as he sees you as a roommate with benefits.

Do not stand by and hope, move on with your life. If you stay together, move out, get a place of you own and start going out, meet other men.

This one is not in serious relationship with you, come on 8 years, the guy is leading you on. 

Don't be fooled by his words, even if today he buys a ring I strongly suggest you separate, go no contact for at least 6 months and meet other people .

You are 25 ,you met him when you were 17. Go out and meet other men, flirt, look good, you will be surprised there is a man out there that you will not have to push to marry you, a man who will love you for who you are, get back into the rhythm. You have time on your side.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Ask yourself, "Has this man ever independently expressed genuine interest in marrying me?" "What has he done to show me that marrying me is a priority for him?" "If I've invested 8 years into this and he still doesn't know if I'm right for him, what would another day add to the equation?" It's a little unseemly for a woman to have to hound or beg a marriage proposal out of a guy. Guys should be begging for the opportunity. Ditch Mr. Uncommitted and you'll soon see how many highly motivated men there are out there.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

One more thing;
I proposed to my (then) fiancee in April of 1982.
In February of 1983, we were married.
Dragging it out for 8 years is just another way to say, "I don't want to.".


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A little maxim I learned from years of being an interrogator, which holds true in this case, "when the subject doesn't answer, the subject answers." In other words, when you brought up marriage and received a dismissive or unresponsive answer, the truthful answer was "I don't want to."


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

DanF, I don't know that I agree. 8 years is a looong time to continue in an unhappy relationship--in fact, there are probably a lot of marriages that don't even last that long. I think he still loves her, but is just afraid of the idea of commitment and the idea of marriage.

I know a lot of situations like that, where the guy just can't bring himself to propose--the not proposing becomes a habit after a while, just like the expectation/disappointment cycle becomes a habit for the woman. It can happen to very strong relationships.

To the OP, you know your boyfriend better than anyone here. If you have similar values, good goals for the future, and really love each other, then YOU should propose. He feels so much pressure now that he's just avoiding it--he feels like the longer he waits, the better the proposal/ring/wedding/marriage has to be. If, on the other hand, you feel like you're both drifting apart, then it's better to end it now. DON'T wait around anymore, you have the power to make the choice!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This is the first of about a million decisions this couple will need to make. If she selects a passive marital partner she must be prepared to put spurs to him every time an important decision must be made and drag his passive body along on the road of life. If a decision turns sour, she must be prepared to bear the brunt of his resentment because he will be able to claim she dragged him into it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

He's just not that into you.


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## AAMM2008 (Nov 24, 2010)

Does he have a commitment problem..No, cause if he did he wouldn't have spent the past 8 yrs with her and faithfully (assuming)!

I do believe that he doesn't want to get married because, things get way more difficult. In my experience now that i'm married and having marital problems, it's not easy to get up and walk away. It's not easy to say i'm moving out. Things have accumalated in the years and then comes a battle. 

Yes later down the line if he gets married to you under pressure, that will be the famous line "I never wanted to get married but did it for you"!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

You're engaged, but he isn't. He will never ask you to marry him, or anyone else for that matter, until he is sure he is on solid footing, and judging by the tone of your thread, he may NEVER be in a position where he feels that he has "something to offer".

Yes, your "engagement" is indeed ruined. You kept hounding him- and you pushed him away.


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## AngieMarie (Nov 28, 2010)

I agree, sounds like he may have been using you for whatever reasons. (money? security?)If he wanted to marry you - he woulda put a ring on it by now!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Whatever the reasons behind it may be, it sounds like he just doesn't want to marry you. I don't think staying with you for 8 yrs is such an oddity as some others have suggested. He's comfortable. He's got what he wants, so why change that? 

I think at this point you need to accept that he doesn't want to get married, and move on. You've been with him since you were 17, you never had a chance to really date anyway. Take this opportunity to date and meet other men, and if in 6 months or a year, he comes to you and he's changed his mind, and you decide that you still love him and want to marry him, then great. And if not, then you've started meeting others and moving towards finding what you really want: a man who loves you and wants to marry you.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

unbelievable said:


> A little maxim I learned from years of being an interrogator, which holds true in this case, "when the subject doesn't answer, the subject answers." In other words, when you brought up marriage and received a dismissive or unresponsive answer, the truthful answer was "I don't want to."


I agree with this.

I hate to say so, but you have outgrown him. It doesn't make him a bad guy or even that you don't care for him.

You believe he is in a dead-end job. And you are moving forward planning for graduate school. 

He knows he is inadequate. I totally get why he would avoid the idea of moving into the grad school housing. He'd be surrounded by all these motivated and intellectually stimulating people and be constantly reminded of how little he is doing with his life.

Do yourself a favor, and move on. He is not going to come along for the ride. Eight years is long enough to know if one wants to marry. He clearly does not want to. and you do.

Go to grad school without baggage.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

michzz said:


> I agree with this.
> 
> I hate to say so, but you have outgrown him. It doesn't make him a bad guy or even that you don't care for him.
> 
> ...


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