# To try or not to try



## marcer69

So....after weeks of hiding and reading the various post regarding reconciliation, separation and divorce, I'm now ready to post and seek out advise from those of you currently or previously in the same position.

First...I've seen some angry post and or comments from some which have provided nothing substantial for the OP and only benefited the feelings of the poster...so...Please don't bash my wife...Thank you!

My wife and I have been married for 9 years this past March 24th and now separated since My 29th. My wife basically couldn't take it anymore and after days of moaning I came to appreciate and understand her decision. I've not been a good and loving husband to my wife...I do love my wife with all my heart but was not open to communicating this to my wife

October 2010, I admitted to cheating on my wife with different women and multiple attempts with others. My wife forgave me and I started IC, but stopped a year later after I thought I was good and our marriage seemed to be rebounding.

With the infidelities out of the way, I settled into a sense of complacency. Out of guilt for my action, I gave my wife total freedom to do as she pleased, and also chose not to participate. As my wife would say later...we were roommates. Nothing more or less. We slept in the same bed but hadn't had sexual relations in months. The weekends would come and go with me doing the same thing...sitting at home while my wife would go out. I worked long hours and had short conversation with my spouse.

After one small argument, I closed down and didn't speak to my wife for two days. On day 2...she left. Like most...I told my wife to go...see ya. Deep inside I was begging her to stay. The argument and following 2 days were just the straw that broke...or one small event in a chain of many

Since my wife has gone, I've re-entered counseling, started to work out, cut my hours back at work, spent time with our kids and am generally trying to be an overall better person. I see her often..we work in related fields, text her from time to time, and recently had 1 MC session - she promised me at least one session but has no intent of further visits. My ultimate goal is to get my wife back. I do love her...have always loved her..and will continue too. My behavior, while inexcusable, never detracted the position I held my wife...I've just never been able to feel comfortable showing her. I always felt week if I did

My wife has made it clear she's moving on and that she has nothing left to give. I know she's hurting.. I know her heart is hardened...and I accept complete blame. My actions or in-actions played a major role in where I find myself today. Yet despite her words, my wife will hug me when she sees me and on occasion exchanged passionate kisses.

Today, after our one MC session. we held each other close while exchanging passionate kisses in the lobby, the elevator, and parking lot. In between the tears streaming and the occasional pull away with additional kissing, I would brush my wife's hair, kiss the tears from her eyes and whisper in her ear just how proud I was of her to have made such a courageous decision----I am proud of her. 

After our little after session, I gave to my wife 9 roses representing each year we were married, missed valentines day, and missed anniversaries.I also asked that she promise..should there be any sliver of hope for our marriage, she give me the opportunity to spend the rest of my life showing her how much I love and appreciate her. She said yes. I do not expect this to come quick and prepared to spend how ever long it takes to repair my/our marriage. My wife tried for 9 years. I'm prepared to fight for however long it takes

My question to those who've reconciled, working through reconciliation, or divorced is...Am I crazy to try? Do I continue pressing forward or do I respect my wife's wishes and move on? BTW: I'm not following 180. I've pulled back a bit to give wife space requested, but I did 180 the last 3 years of my marriage and don't see how those principles can help me now. 

I appreciate all responses


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## marcer69

And no...I don't believe my wife is having an affair or interested in one. I know my wife, I've trusted her from day one and have asked her and she has said not interested...she is working on her and that is her focus


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## Donny

im in a similar situation. although i didnt cheat on my wife it has been brought that i havent been showing her that i love her with actions. i understand that because actions speak louder than words. i always had the impression that our marriage was great but that wasnt the case. all i can tell you is if you truly love your wife and want to be with her for the rest of your life, then you should keep trying and keep her in you thoughts always and show her that you are serious about making the marriage work. it sounds to me like she still loves you and with time and effort it will work. 

i wish you luck my friend and god-speed.


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## torani

I agree that it sounds like your wife still loves you a great deal, despite her wanting to move on. You are starting all over with her. So glad to hear you are in IC at least.. I think its a matter of doing the right things long enough consistently... 

It sounds like you had an epiphany about your marriage and working very hard to keep it... Just continue to not pressure her into anything suddenly. Let her make decisions in her own time. Keep on top of things and try not to get upset or complacent during the waiting period.. 

Best wishes to you and your wife, I truly hope it works out for you both!


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## marcer69

Donny said:


> im in a similar situation. although i didnt cheat on my wife it has been brought that i havent been showing her that i love her with actions. i understand that because actions speak louder than words. i always had the impression that our marriage was great but that wasnt the case. all i can tell you is if you truly love your wife and want to be with her for the rest of your life, then you should keep trying and keep her in you thoughts always and show her that you are serious about making the marriage work. it sounds to me like she still loves you and with time and effort it will work.
> 
> i wish you luck my friend and god-speed.


Donny~

thank you for the response. I hope, in your case, you are able to work things out with your wife. I've seen and read many successful stories which provide me with hope and and a belief in all things possible. Stay true to what it is you wish to see happen and as corny as it may seem...find happiness in her happiness. I can promise you that if given a second chance with my wife....I will spend every moment avail. showing her love. I will cherish walks, talks and those things my wife enjoys doing. I will hold her for longer than 5 seconds and not count..You do what ever you need to and may God bless your endevour


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## marcer69

torani said:


> I agree that it sounds like your wife still loves you a great deal, despite her wanting to move on. You are starting all over with her. So glad to hear you are in IC at least.. I think its a matter of doing the right things long enough consistently...
> 
> It sounds like you had an epiphany about your marriage and working very hard to keep it... Just continue to not pressure her into anything suddenly. Let her make decisions in her own time. Keep on top of things and try not to get upset or complacent during the waiting period..
> 
> Best wishes to you and your wife, I truly hope it works out for you both!


Torani~

Thank you for your response and well wishes. I believe my wife still loves me. I know this is very hard for her. I know her heart is hardened and she is doing what she believes is best for her. I feel in my gut...not some fantasy...but deep in my gut..that my wife did not want this and yet she is trying to display stregnth and committment to her decision. I pushed her into this..Funny thing...had I kissed my wife when I came home the day she left and didn't ignore her until she told me she was leaving, I wouldn't be on this forum. I'm glad I am. Our marriage may have lasted a few more months/years, but without this wake-up..I would not have changed. I love my wife so much more because of her choice. Weird. I hope it works out for us as well


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## marcer69

Today my wife and I went back and forth via text an email. We discussed the ...not in much detail the events which took place yesterday..made me sad and hurt for my wife. I'm attaching the chain from email below. I did ask if she could come to my office tomorrow. She said yes, but later asked for what. I told her no reason, but id=f she need one I could come up with one...she laughed and agreed to see me. I've not edited any part of this chain except to remove names, company names and email addresses. Email reads from bottom up


From Wife:

No nothing you said.  just the way things ended. It's ok. You have been great


From Me:

I'm sorry. Why are you sad babe? I wasn't mean or anything was I?

From Wife:

No just the whole session and everything  
I'm ok just.... Sad I guess 

Sent from my iPhone

ME:

You said you had a rough night. Did something happen after we left?


From: Wife

What do you mean?

Sent from my iPhone

From Me:

What happened to you?


From Wife: 

What events? Everything ok? I'm doing better ... Rough night 

Sent from my iPhone

From Me:

Funny you should ask J I’m thinking my resolve is being further tested by events today which seem extremely odd to be popping up all of a sudden. I still feel the same as I did when I saw you…and when I left you. I think I’m blessed and received a gift yesterday… -edit-…I’m looking forward to my session…I still miss my wife…

How are you doing today?




From Wife:

How are you today?

Sent from my iPhone


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## cdbaker

Reading through all of this, I don't think you are crazy to try at all. I mean, I won't sugar coat it. It sounds like you were a crappy husband who sort of took advantage of your wife after taking her for granted by cheating on her. She sounds like a pretty darn good person for having put up with you as long as she has, and I'd count yourself incredibly lucky for having another chance, maybe, as long as you don't blow it.

I have read, and experienced for myself, how a lot of men are oblivious to the true state of their relationships. Often times on one side the wife is weeping to her friends about how hard she has tried to reach her husband, how terrible the communication is, how sad and unhappy she is, etc. and is finally at the point where she wants the divorce. Then on the other side the husband is telling his guy friends, "I can't believe it, my wife wants a divorce, this came out of nowhere, I thought everything was fine!" Only then does he realize how much of an idiot he was, and is often willing to go to great lengths to fix himself. By then however it is usually too late as she has finally gathered the strength/resolve to go through with ending the marriage and can't trust any efforts you might put forth or is unwilling to give in out of fear that she'll be hurt again.

All I can say is... don't give up. Don't become complacent. Be it next week, six months from now or six weeks from now. It's a constant effort and it's worth it. She has already been burned repeatedly and badly by you, and while it sounds like you have an opportunity to repair much of the damage, the memory will always be just beneath the surface. She won't put up with it again if you relapse.


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## marcer69

cdbaker said:


> Reading through all of this, I don't think you are crazy to try at all. I mean, I won't sugar coat it. It sounds like you were a crappy husband who sort of took advantage of your wife after taking her for granted by cheating on her. She sounds like a pretty darn good person for having put up with you as long as she has, and I'd count yourself incredibly lucky for having another chance, maybe, as long as you don't blow it.
> 
> I have read, and experienced for myself, how a lot of men are oblivious to the true state of their relationships. Often times on one side the wife is weeping to her friends about how hard she has tried to reach her husband, how terrible the communication is, how sad and unhappy she is, etc. and is finally at the point where she wants the divorce. Then on the other side the husband is telling his guy friends, "I can't believe it, my wife wants a divorce, this came out of nowhere, I thought everything was fine!" Only then does he realize how much of an idiot he was, and is often willing to go to great lengths to fix himself. By then however it is usually too late as she has finally gathered the strength/resolve to go through with ending the marriage and can't trust any efforts you might put forth or is unwilling to give in out of fear that she'll be hurt again.
> 
> All I can say is... don't give up. Don't become complacent. Be it next week, six months from now or six weeks from now. It's a constant effort and it's worth it. She has already been burned repeatedly and badly by you, and while it sounds like you have an opportunity to repair much of the damage, the memory will always be just beneath the surface. She won't put up with it again if you relapse.


cdbaker~

thank you for your response. I openly admit to being a rotten husband and understand, after reading your post, how much of an issue you take with infidelity. I am not proud of my decisions and am working to resolve these with the help of counseling. My wife has..has ...has..., despite my cheating, been the one woman that meant the most to me and I understand my actions and/or lack thereof caused her to leave me. I live that daily. 

I discussed with my wife the possibility of trial reconciliation today. Her initial response was no, than I'm not ready, to I'll think about it. What I took away from our conversation was exactly what you mentioned about trusting and getting burned again. She said I had talked about change before but went back to the same old me. I can't argue her point because its true, but I did explain that the actual separation has lent itself to being a major catalyst for change in me and that I would and will continue to work towards sustained change. 

I also asked if she was dating anyone to which she responded she has been asked by many, but has not accepted any offers though she also said she will date. It hurt me, but I can't blame her. I fear some guy will come around and provide, maybe long term or temporarily, all those things my wife wanted from me and she will jump on it because she is vulnerable right now. She did say she has no plans of sleeping with anyone while we are married. I asked that she not finalize the paperwork until November in an effort to give me more time. She agreed.

I left her with a hug, another passionate kiss, and I love you. I do not know what more I can do as I have never ever fought for anything...let alone my wife.

I know I don't deserve another chance...hell I screwed big time the one chance I had. I do know I will spend the rest of my life making it up to her. I don't want my wife to hurt ever again and my challenge to change is real not some temporary fix just to get her back. I cannot go through this again...i never want to lose her again should I ever have the chance to spend my life with her. BTW: Congrats on your reconciliation. I hope it works out for you


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## hibiscus

Mercer hang in there. There is hope as it sounds like she does want you back but she is understandably cautious.

Just be 100 % committed no matter how long it takes. It could take years to get her back.

My partner cheated on me a year ago and he never stops to tell me how much he loves me and will never hurt me again. He says he will never hurt anyone like that again.This helps me to trust him again because it still hurts. I still have days crippled with pain.

Just hang in there and stay consistent


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## marcer69

hibiscus said:


> Mercer hang in there. There is hope as it sounds like she does want you back but she is understandably cautious.
> 
> Just be 100 % committed no matter how long it takes. It could take years to get her back.
> 
> My partner cheated on me a year ago and he never stops to tell me how much he loves me and will never hurt me again. He says he will never hurt anyone like that again.This helps me to trust him again because it still hurts. I still have days crippled with pain.
> 
> Just hang in there and stay consistent


Thank you for the words of encouragement. I'm committed to win my wife back and give her what she always wanted from me. I do however keep hitting roadblocks. Today she told me she wants me to be happy, but my happy conflicts with her happy. She hadn't been happy for sometime, but now she's happy. I'm beginning to wonder if the messages are loud and clear and I'm the one who isn't hearing. Based on what I've read here, reconciliation only works when both parties are interested. She is going to D me and I figured what would we have to lose by trying...but it doesn't appear that will be the case


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## marcer69

One more thing to note and not that it makes a big difference, but I never cheated on my wife while married. My infidelities were prior to our marriage. Granted, I put myself in compromising situations after our marriage...I never cheated. Not PA or EA. When I married my wife, I put all that behind. My wife won't believe me,but it is what it is


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## Acoa

It's good that you realize your infidelities were wrong. Perhaps your stark admission in 2010 caused you and your wife to move past it before she was emotionally ready. It's possible she still harbors deep insecurities around that topic. Couple that with whatever was broken in the relationship to begin with and your initial attempt to reconcile was just a think layer of paint over something that should have been tore down and rebuilt from the ground up.

Start dating her again. Be willing to talk about the pain of the past when she wants to. If she lashes out about something, be understanding. It sounds like she is finally processing all the pain, and that may take her some time. 

In your individual counseling, dig deeper into the reasons for your infidelity. Figure out what it was you were looking for ways to get that out of the relationship with your wife. If that's not possible, look for ways to establish boundaries that will prevent your from straying in the future.


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## This is me

I haven't been here for awhile, but some may remember my story. My wife shocked me with the D word one valentines weekend. It took 2 years, four months separation, many months of MC & IC, plus workshops, and it was all worth it because our marriage has never been better.

There can be hope for those with patience and being the better educated on repairing marriages gone bad.

For those who want to give their marriage its best chance I recommend reading Divorce Remedy, get a good pro-marriage counselor, and remind yourself this could take years.

Best wishes!


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## marcer69

Acoa said:


> It's good that you realize your infidelities were wrong. Perhaps your stark admission in 2010 caused you and your wife to move past it before she was emotionally ready. It's possible she still harbors deep insecurities around that topic. Couple that with whatever was broken in the relationship to begin with and your initial attempt to reconcile was just a think layer of paint over something that should have been tore down and rebuilt from the ground up.
> 
> Start dating her again. Be willing to talk about the pain of the past when she wants to. If she lashes out about something, be understanding. It sounds like she is finally processing all the pain, and that may take her some time.
> 
> In your individual counseling, dig deeper into the reasons for your infidelity. Figure out what it was you were looking for ways to get that out of the relationship with your wife. If that's not possible, look for ways to establish boundaries that will prevent your from straying in the future.


Acoa~

thank you for the response. I agree cheating is no good and would give anything to have never committed the act...unfortunately I did. I so agree my wife may not have had time to emotionally heal. I was unfortunately at the time of my confessions, going through a tough mental period as well. After reading your post, I thought how my wife was so strong during that period and how she never shed a tear...and it hit me like a stack of bricks...My wife carried this for years..wow!

I've asked my wife to date but she is not ready for that. She wants her space and I'm trying hard to give her that but I'm torn. If I don't give her space, I'll push her away and to someone else. If I do give er space, I'll push her away and to someone else...pinch...pinch....pinch...yep I'm awake. I so wish this were a dream

I do not know what to do


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## marcer69

This is me said:


> I haven't been here for awhile, but some may remember my story. My wife shocked me with the D word one valentines weekend. It took 2 years, four months separation, many months of MC & IC, plus workshops, and it was all worth it because our marriage has never been better.
> 
> There can be hope for those with patience and being the better educated on repairing marriages gone bad.
> 
> For those who want to give their marriage its best chance I recommend reading Divorce Remedy, get a good pro-marriage counselor, and remind yourself this could take years.
> 
> Best wishes!


Thank you This is Me~

I'm glad to hear that your marriage was helped and that you are now back with her wife.

I'm prepared to do what I have to do, but at times my heart gives when I begin to consider the magnitude of my situation. My wife is no longer in love with me, is hardened completely against any talks of reconciliation, is considering dating, and appears happy without me.

I understand the root cause lies with me and I will, like mentioned many times before, do what I have to do...I just do not know what it is I need to or can do. How do you get someone who says they are tired and has no more left to give to give another shot


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## marcer69

So I just watched Fireproof the Movie. Was a little cheesy but my best friend recommended it after telling me he's been Love Daring his wife the last two months. Seems they were on the fritz, she was in an emotional relationship with someone online and his world was falling apart based on his attitude, lack of communication, and so on. He's had success and and things are much improved. I liked the movie, but seeing as I'm physically separated from my wife, I don't how I could do these steps. Has anyone had any luck?


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## marcer69

Had a little blow up with my wife yesterday. She asked me to not call or or come by. I agreed as I had not made an attempt to contact but one time. I let her know I loved her and that I'm okay with all this. I told her I missed her but respected her space and I asked that she let me show her how important our marriage is. It was hard, but I left it at that. I do not know what else to do


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## cdbaker

Man, seriously, you cannot allow "blow-ups" to happen. She is a bundle of emotions, has a lot of time to stew about how hurt she is/the fact you're responsible for a lot of it, and is likely surrounded by friends who have "circled the wagons" to emotionally support her and likely console her by dumping on you repeatedly. She is probably always a breath away from tearing into you, so you cant get defensive or set her off. In the past a "blow up" might ruin a day, but now it will set ANY positive steps you make all the way back to square one, if not worse. In her state, she is really (unknowingly perhaps) actively looking for a reason to blow up in rage and allow you to prove to her that she is right about you and any misstep you make after the commitments you have made now will make it all the worse, showing you that you're new promises are full of ****.

Seriously, you have to control yourself. No trying to "win" fights right now, convince her she is mistaken, or expressions of anger. If she asked you to leave her alone, then anything else you said after she probably just nodded and was mostly non-responsive right? That means she doesn't believe you and just wants you to say your peace and leave. 

FOcus on you. Make your changes. Clean your house, go out with friends, dont say ANYTHING remotely negative about her to anyone else, read a few books (Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, Love and Respect, Redeeming Love, etc all come highly recommended by yours truly) for motivation, and dont let your resolve weaken or you wont have a chance. In the past you probably had lots of second chances, a luxury you have since lost my friend!


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## marcer69

cdbaker said:


> Man, seriously, you cannot allow "blow-ups" to happen. She is a bundle of emotions, has a lot of time to stew about how hurt she is/the fact you're responsible for a lot of it, and is likely surrounded by friends who have "circled the wagons" to emotionally support her and likely console her by dumping on you repeatedly. She is probably always a breath away from tearing into you, so you cant get defensive or set her off. In the past a "blow up" might ruin a day, but now it will set ANY positive steps you make all the way back to square one, if not worse. In her state, she is really (unknowingly perhaps) actively looking for a reason to blow up in rage and allow you to prove to her that she is right about you and any misstep you make after the commitments you have made now will make it all the worse, showing you that you're new promises are full of ****.
> 
> Seriously, you have to control yourself. No trying to "win" fights right now, convince her she is mistaken, or expressions of anger. If she asked you to leave her alone, then anything else you said after she probably just nodded and was mostly non-responsive right? That means she doesn't believe you and just wants you to say your peace and leave.
> 
> FOcus on you. Make your changes. Clean your house, go out with friends, dont say ANYTHING remotely negative about her to anyone else, read a few books (Five Love Languages, His Needs Her Needs, Love and Respect, Redeeming Love, etc all come highly recommended by yours truly) for motivation, and dont let your resolve weaken or you wont have a chance. In the past you probably had lots of second chances, a luxury you have since lost my friend!


cdbaker~

your advise is very sound. To get one thing straight though...when I said blowup, I didn't mean a fight or anything like that. I had been attempting to do the 30 day love challenge and dropped off a card to my wife and was met with the please stop sending me cards and texts...they are nice but you need to stop. I didn't argue, I apologized and informed her that respect her wishes and will cease, give her space but that I'm still fighting for our marriage.


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## cdbaker

Oh ok, I definitely misunderstood then.

At this point, I don't think the Love Dare challenge is going to help you, at least not until she has at least decided to give the marriage another try. Typically I think that would be for a marriage on the rocks (heading for separation or worse, no affairs in progress yet) but now I think it would come across as desperate and annoying.

Just keep working on yourself, consider the 180.


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