# Lack of sex before marriage?



## jswilson1987 (May 23, 2014)

I'm 26 and about to get married in July, we have a 7 month old son together and for the most part our relationship is good. But after my son was born the sex really slowed down from 2-3 times a week to twice a month. 

She says i'm not doing what she wants to get her in the mood but it always worked before. I do what she wants and I still get shot down. Theres always an excuse. Im to my breaking point and if something doesn't change im afraid I cant go on like this. Im finding myself thinking of cheating and very angry and bitter at her. Its seems she doesn't think denying me is a big deal and below her supposed need for intimacy that im not giving her. 

Shes changed and gotten colder she no longer kisses me the way she used to I have to struggle to get a kiss just not a peck. And she no longer initiates any kind of affectionate touching. im feeling very physically and emotionally rejected


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Ladies: does this sound like normal postpartum hormonal disinterest in sex, or is this guy in trouble?

A guys opinion: I think it's normal for women to have a lowering of sex drive after child bearing, but this sounds unusually reactive. She doesn't want affection at all.

Good thing your finding out before marriage.

Let better answers follow.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Oh, I forgot. How long have you guys been together?

Did she like sex before? Orgasm easily, often?


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## jswilson1987 (May 23, 2014)

Weve been together almost 3 years. I know its a short amount of time. Yes I make sure she gets hers our record in one day was 8 times so the sex is good. Theres times where its great and others were it sucks but lately theres just very little of it.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

She's blame shifting in a way by telling you you're not giving her what she wants to get her in the mood. This is an excuse to keep you guessing and to keep you from getting sex. As in changing the goal posts all the time. 

Ask her what she needs to get her in the mood and really listen. And then don't do anything. Let us know what she said before you act like a puppet on a string. 

You say what you do has always worked before. Look at it this way even a football team doesn't run the successful touch down play on every play. 

You need to be prepared to end this relationship, or at least put the marriage date on hold for a bit. Also read some of the threads from guys who have been married for 20+ years and the private hell they go through. Ask yourself if you want that to be you?

The pecks on the cheek are her way of telling you she is not interested in more or leading you on and not to get ideas that sex will be happening. 

And do check into PPD. Watch her actions, not watch she says. 

It may get a lot worse before it gets any better if it ever gets better.


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## Code-Welder (Dec 17, 2012)

jswilson1987 said:


> Weve been together almost 3 years. I know its a short amount of time. Yes I make sure she gets hers our record in one day was 8 times so the sex is good. Theres times where its great and others were it sucks but lately theres just very little of it.


3 years is more than enough time and what you are experiencing is very common after child birth. Your wife's body has been and is going through quote a change in hormone levels. 

Taking care of a baby is making her tired as well. Some ladies deal with it better than others when it comes to sex after a birth. Some go right back to where they were before getting pregnant. Others are like your wife or worse.

When was the last time if ever yet that you two got away with the baby for a night or weekend? Do you have grand parents that will watch the baby for a night or week end? You NEED to do this to keep the bond you two had before the child. You must keep doing this, kids are great but you 2 need time alone.

Can you two get a night or week end alone?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

JS, you know the answer. Honestly, 2 months before marriage and you should be all over each other. Ask yourself, when was the last time you heard of a sex life getting better years after marriage. It's basically down hill from here and you're on a very small hill. Run man, run.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Code-Welder said:


> Your wife's body has been......


It's not his wife. He's supposed to get married in July. Honestly, why take that step with someone who you're not intimate with?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Postpone the wedding. A sex life is not only the mans responsibility. She is showing you now what the future will look like.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

I am feel sorry that you recognize her character 2 months before weeding. If nothing changed in your side then the problem must be around her side.
What about telling her about this? Try to find the reason.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The lack of sex isn't the biggest issue here. Her dismissal of your concern is. You're about to marry a woman who isn't interested in something that is important to you. What happens in the future when something else is important to you but not to her? Sex, saving for college, retirement, a job change. All of this and more can be a source of conflict later in life and she's showing you right now how she takes your opinion into account. Which is to say, she doesn't.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

jswilson1987 said:


> I'm 26 and about to get married in July, we have a 7 month old son together and for the most part our relationship is good. But after my son was born the sex really slowed down from 2-3 times a week to twice a month.
> 
> She says i'm not doing what she wants to get her in the mood but it always worked before. I do what she wants and I still get shot down. Theres always an excuse. Im to my breaking point and if something doesn't change im afraid I cant go on like this. Im finding myself thinking of cheating and very angry and bitter at her. Its seems she doesn't think denying me is a big deal and below her supposed need for intimacy that im not giving her.
> 
> Shes changed and gotten colder she no longer kisses me the way she used to I have to struggle to get a kiss just not a peck. And she no longer initiates any kind of affectionate touching. im feeling very physically and emotionally rejected


Then why the hell would you marry her?

Dude, if this isn't a wake-up call, I don't know what is. 

DO NOT marry this person. 

Pretty simple really...it's not working for you, and even if she suddenly started giving you affection (after you tell her the wedding is off), you'd KNOW that it's only because she's trying to pull the old "bait and switch".

Still, be prepared for her to try once you tell her you're done...just don't fall for it. 

Save yourself from a life of misery.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I'm one of those married 20+ years who now lives in a sexless marriage aka living hell. I married at 25 and I'm now 46. We went from having sex constantly to sex at the most twice a month starting almost immediately after our wedding day. Sound familiar? The last third of our marriage has been nearly sexless and we are approaching a year now of complete celibacy. She tells me I don't do what I need to do to put her in the mood ... only she can't tell me what those conditions are. Sound familiar? Our record is 7 times from back when we were dating ... it is only a fading distant memory to me. Do you want that? In terms of sex, I have basically wasted what should have been the best years of my life. Can't get them back. Do you want that? 46 may seem old to you but you will get there much faster than it might seem to you now. It isn't this far off future time. To me, 26 seems like yesterday. 

I am not saying that you need to end the relationship. I am saying to think long and hard about marrying this person. Postpone the wedding and try to fix it. If things don't get dramatically better over some period of time ... real change ... then I would consider that the two of you may not be compatible for marriage.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jswilson1987 said:


> I'm 26 and about to get married in July, we have a 7 month old son together and for the most part our relationship is good. But after my son was born the sex really slowed down from 2-3 times a week to twice a month.
> 
> She says i'm not doing what she wants to get her in the mood but it always worked before. I do what she wants and I still get shot down. Theres always an excuse. Im to my breaking point and if something doesn't change im afraid I cant go on like this. Im finding myself thinking of cheating and very angry and bitter at her. Its seems she doesn't think denying me is a big deal and below her supposed need for intimacy that im not giving her.
> 
> Shes changed and gotten colder she no longer kisses me the way she used to I have to struggle to get a kiss just not a peck. And she no longer initiates any kind of affectionate touching. im feeling very physically and emotionally rejected


A woman's body goes through major hormonal changes after giving birth and it's very common. Plus it takes at least 6 weeks to physically heal from birth, so really you have only able to be sexually active for a few months. Taking care of the baby, doing housework, cooking, etc. can be very tiring(physically and mentally), so I'd think about that, too. 

Is she breastfeeding?

My son is breastfed and there are days when I feel "touched out" and don't want anyone to touch me. I just want to be left alone. Many women who breastfeed feel this way. It's normal and eventually passes as the baby gets older and eventually weans. 

Do you help out with childcare and/or housework?

If she is expected to "do it all", then she probably doesn't find you very attractive. I can speak of this in regards to my husband, as he expected me to do everything I was doing before baby and it's just not possible. It really turned me off to my husband and I didn't want to be affectionate with him. 

Do you go on date nights(get a babysitter for a couple hours)? 

This is really needed to connect, especially after having a baby. We got my mom to watch our son for a couple hours and it made a huge difference in our relationship. 

In the mean time, why not postpone the wedding until things are "evened out". Then you can have more time to work on your relationship to make sure that it's only a temporary issue as compared to a long-term problem.


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

The truth is, as bad as the relationship is now, it probably will never get better. Please arrange for support of you child and move on. The best to you both.


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## I Don't Know (Oct 8, 2013)

Hard call. It could be hormones or this could be her normal level of drive. The fact that she's telling you it's your fault isn't a good sign. I say push the wedding back and see how this pans out before making a decision.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I Don't Know said:


> Hard call. It could be hormones or this could be her normal level of drive. The fact that she's telling you it's your fault isn't a good sign. I say push the wedding back and see how this pans out before making a decision.


I agree that it isn't a good sign. A good sign would be if she had said, "I know it's a problem. I'm sorry. I love you but I just haven't been feeling it lately" ... or something along those lines. She is shifting blame or being dishonest with you and/or herself. Even if the sex drought is just an aberration, this is not a good sign just prior to entering marriage.

You need to have a frank discussion about your feelings and whether she really wants this marriage and why. The lack of sex could be simply a symptom of deeper problems.

EDIT: I'm also a little concerned that cheating is already crossing your mind. THAT isn't a good sign either.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I agree that you should postpone the wedding. Breastfeeding can dampen libido so if she is still nursing the baby this could be the issue. You should wait for the baby to be weaned to see if things get back on track.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

Its definitely the hormones.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jswilson1987 said:


> I'm 26 and about to get married in July, we have a 7 month old son together and for the most part our relationship is good. But after my son was born the sex really slowed down from 2-3 times a week to twice a month.
> 
> She says i'm not doing what she wants to get her in the mood but it always worked before. I do what she wants and I still get shot down. Theres always an excuse. Im to my breaking point and if something doesn't change im afraid I cant go on like this. Im finding myself thinking of cheating and very angry and bitter at her. Its seems she doesn't think denying me is a big deal and below her supposed need for intimacy that im not giving her.
> 
> Shes changed and gotten colder she no longer kisses me the way she used to I have to struggle to get a kiss just not a peck. And she no longer initiates any kind of affectionate touching. im feeling very physically and emotionally rejected


When you say that you do what you always did to get her in the mood and it's not working. Are you talking about sexual things like foreplay? Or other things?


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Do not marry her..

Things do NOT get better after marriage.

I would tell her that I was postponing the wedding indefinitely. You would be doing both of you a favor.


You've got major issues


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> JS, you know the answer. Honestly, 2 months before marriage and you should be all over each other. Ask yourself, when was the last time you heard of a sex life getting better years after marriage. It's basically down hill from here and you're on a very small hill. Run man, run.


What? Really? Look, that advice would work on two nervous virgins back in the 1950s, but the truth is, they're already an old married couple, with a child and a wife possibly suffering from post post-partum or post-natal depression.


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## jswilson1987 (May 23, 2014)

so to answer some questions no i havent been helping as much with my son as i should but at the same time i just feel like running away. The clothes dont get done by the time i run out of clean jeans i cook 5 days out of the week but the kitchen deosnt get cleaned she hasnt ran the vacuum in six months since we moved into our appartment. im expected to do everything. 

My father left when i was 16 and i want my son to have a good father but im feeling like im not wanted. I tried talking to her tonight and she said the same thing that i just caress her breasts and poke her with my penis but at the same time ive tried doing it her way and its always im tired or its morning or its after work and my son is still up or its night time and shes tired so when am i supposed to try then.

I have had a drink to keep me even tempered i didnt yell or get mean i was calm and collected and she just went to the bedroom and went to sleep while i was trying to have a very important conversation! Saying the same things ive said before that im not doing it her way.


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## jswilson1987 (May 23, 2014)

i dont know im just lost it seems like i had a family and now its gone i either stay with an inaffectionate woman for my son or deprive my son of a regular family. sometimes i think it would be easiest if i just disappeared.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jswilson1987 said:


> i dont know im just lost it seems like i had a family and now its gone i either stay with an inaffectionate woman for my son or deprive my son of a regular family. sometimes i think it would be easiest if i just disappeared.


You are getting a whole lot of pessimism here and people telling you that there no solutions, it will only get worse. Well that isn't necessarily so.

The first time your relationship hits a hard spot you are ready to just cut and run? 

This can absolutely be turned around. I agree with others that there is a concern that she is not taking your concerns seriously. But it really sounds like you are not taking hers seriously either. 

She has just had a baby. Like yours, her life has been changed dramatically. On top of that so has her body. She is probably dealing with hormonal changes. She might also have PPD. The way you describe her as not doing anything around the house definitely sounds like depression. 

You need to have a talk with her at a time when you are not trying to have sex. "We need to go for a brief round of counseling to get our priorities straight. I'm not willing to settle for a relationship where we are unhappy, angry at each other, and our sex life is over. "

Also get the book “His Needs, Her Needs” ….. The two of you read it and work through the things the book says to do. The book will tell the two of you who to get the passion back into your relationship. The book will do more for you then months of counseling. 

While you are going through this process of working on your marriage, see about getting her to a doctor and checked out for PPD.

Postpone the wedding for now. This will let her know that you are serious that the two of you have to pay attention to each others needs and fix things, or there will not be a wedding.

Give the relationship 6 months. See if the two of you can turn this around. If you cannot, at least you can say that you did everything you could to try to fix it.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

jswilson1987 said:


> so to answer some questions no i havent been helping as much with my son as i should but at the same time i just feel like running away. The clothes dont get done by the time i run out of clean jeans i cook 5 days out of the week but the kitchen deosnt get cleaned she hasnt ran the vacuum in six months since we moved into our appartment. im expected to do everything.
> 
> My father left when i was 16 and i want my son to have a good father but im feeling like im not wanted. I tried talking to her tonight and she said the same thing that i just caress her breasts and poke her with my penis but at the same time ive tried doing it her way and its always im tired or its morning or its after work and my son is still up or its night time and shes tired so when am i supposed to try then.
> 
> I have had a drink to keep me even tempered i didnt yell or get mean i was calm and collected and she just went to the bedroom and went to sleep while i was trying to have a very important conversation! Saying the same things ive said before that im not doing it her way.


This sounds like post-partum depression to me. Maybe you can look up support groups for her at the local hospital or another area that can help her through all of it. Or ask that she see her doctor to talk about it. I waited to get help myself and wish I had done it sooner, as I struggled through it myself. 

Just because you hit a rough spot, doesn't mean you cut and run. That's not fair to your relationship or your son, as both deserve your best effort.


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

jswilson1987 said:


> i dont know im just lost it seems like i had a family and now its gone i either stay with an inaffectionate woman for my son or deprive my son of a regular family. sometimes i think it would be easiest if i just disappeared.


Don t be sad... You look like a great men. Please update us how its going. Fingers crossed for you!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

> I tried talking to her tonight and she said the same thing that i just caress her breasts and poke her with my penis but at the same time ive tried doing it her way and its always im tired or its morning or its after work and my son is still up or its night time and shes tired so when am i supposed to try then.


My husband was, (sometimes still is), the same way. The only time he shows affection is when he wants sex. This can be really annoying. For some women it's important to stoke their desire throughout the day. Be affectionate in words and actions. By actions, I don't mean poking with your penis or groping her breasts. A random hand on the lower back, a hug and a kiss can go along way. Also, I love it when my husband texts me when he's at work. It tells me that he's thinking of me.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ifweonly said:


> The truth is, as bad as the relationship is now, it probably will never get better. Please arrange for support of you child and move on. The best to you both.


What you are saying probably is the truth within marriage to this supportive and loving husband.

Another truth is get her on enough GNO's and she will rediscover her inner freak.


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