# Really really strange question



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Quick background

Wife had a EA/PA last year while I was was on deployment. Things got really weird while I was gone, came home and she displayed all the signs of an A. Found more confirming evidence so we separated. She moved away to her home state and after waiting out the separation period mandated by my state, I began divorce filings. That has been slow due to paperwork issues but not a super big deal, court should be soon. 

The thing that is bugging me is back in april we had a conversation about divorcing, her saying she wasn't sure she wanted to divorce, me being cold because she is still lying about the whole thing. I don't want to be with a person like that. Towards the end of the conversation she alluded to the fact that she may have been sexually assaulted while I was deployed, that's where all the weirdness came from. But she wouldnt come right out and say it. 

Here's the thing, I don't buy it. All her behaviors don't seem to say some traumatic incident like that happened, but she does follow the WS script pretty closely. 

So my question is, is there a way to find out. She has said that she has been back down to my state a couple time for court, so if something did happen, someone was arrested and there should be a way to find out. This bugs me because I am 99.999999% sure that I am right. My gut says I am right. Just bothers me I guess. 

If you want my back story, I have a thread called "Advice please" and "started the paperwork". 

Any input would be appreciated


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

????


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You could ask her to clarify what she alluded to?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Tried. She won't give that up. When we hit that point she just hurried up and got off the phone. Haven't spoken to her over the phone since. Just a couple of emails and texts about the divorce details. Both of us are pretty good about NC
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crazyconfused said:


> Tried. She won't give that up. When we hit that point she just hurried up and got off the phone. Haven't spoken to her over the phone since. Just a couple of emails and texts about the divorce details. Both of us are pretty good about NC
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


On the phone? In person would be better, in a loving, supporting way would be best, IMO.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Well she lives in NY and I live in VA
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crazyconfused said:


> Well she lives in NY and I live in VA
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you think she was sexually assaulted, maybe a meeting could be arranged for you both, somewhere?


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

What? This is crap, IMHO. If she had been sexually assualted and wasn't guilty of anything, she would be singing like a bird and doing her best to reassure you and seek your support. This story doesn't wash at all. 

I am sorry you are here and sorry you are getting the mushroom treatment. I think your current course is the only one for you. Good luck


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Aren't convictions a public record?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you know people who know her? Like friends and family? Perhaps ask them.. if they are not willing to tell you what happened because they think it's her place to tell you... maybe if you ask they would give you the name of someone who is the perp. Then you could look up the court case and get some police records.

If she was assaulted she might be too traumatized to tell you. Or she might have put herself in a compromizing position.. then been assaulted and is afraid for you to know.

I doubt that you can tell by her behavior is she was assaulted, raped or whatever. There is not one prescribed way to behave when these things happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also look up your wife's name in the court cases.. most court records can be searched online these days. Then once you have a case number you can get a copy of the case file.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

CC I agree with a face to face. The distance you are talking about is doable. Is it not worth the trip to try to get the information that you seem to want?

Best
WD


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

KanDo, what is the mushroom treatment?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

If she was assaulted then how this EA?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yes, there is a possibility. People react differently to things traumatic as rape. Try getting some more information. She necessarily might not have reported the rape. Also I did come across a figure that said most of the rapes are done by acquaintances, so she necessarily might not have reported it(Out of guilt or shame). Have an open mind with regards to these things

Kallan, EA and rape are mutually exclusive.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

moxy said:


> KanDo, what is the mushroom treatment?


Kept in the dark and fed sh1t


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Kept in the dark and fed sh1t


That's a good one. I may have to use the expression. 

OP, don't accept the mushroom treatment!


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I have tried searching the courts database, and tried searching newspapers and havent come up with anything. I was just hoping someone had another idea. I am not going to drive 8 hours to go up and talk to her for something that A. I am 99.9 % percent sure is crap and B. I have gotten nothing but lies about anyways. 

Let's see what she has done

She let OM stay at our house for three weeks while I was gone. 
She took him, my stepson and her to Disneyland. I saw pics of her kissing this guy on the cheek
Found a opened pill gone morning after pill package in one of our vehicles along with the receipt dated the day after she got back from Disneyland 
My step son asked me why mommy was kissing OM and said she loved him. 
Found pregnancy tests with two gone that she bought a week and a half before I got home
After multiple confrontations, I gave her the ultimatum, he goes or I do. She proclaims theirs nothing going on. She continues to see him. So I leave her

That's just the highlights. But you can see why I think this is all crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dude, who cares if that cheap skank was raped or not. Forget about her misery and move on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanting1 (Apr 26, 2012)

I think you are right to be skeptical. And really, if it is true that she was assaulted, what does that have to do with the cheating and all the other head games that she has been playing on you? You are well rid of her.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I had an American wife from a farm town in Ohio. We moved to Fulda Germany, while I was out on WarGames, she did what your wife did but with many, many different GI's. I do not talk to American women unless I have to now. I have a fine German wife and three wonderful children now. Maybe after you heal yourself you can go out into the world and find someone stronger and better. Good luck.


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

First, thanks for your service. You will find many deployed people here.

In my opinion, uninformed because I do not know her, the sexual assault story was a try at constructing a narrative that would excuse, explain or mitigate what she did.

Cheating wives and girlfriends are maybe the most common sources of false rape claims. This is just a variation on that. Being vague about it does not make it believable to me. After all you're been through and what you know she did, why would she withhold details of that from you? Details are credibility.

She just got a sudden idea to try to get you back, but could not make up a story quick enough and realized she was going down a dangerous path, so she gave up.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Dude, cut your losses and run.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dude, your getting dragged in by more of her lies. She clearly dated the guy while she was married to you. She chose to sleep with him, living the same house as him, to go on vacations with him, and to leave you for him.

Now she's trying to make you feel done kind of guilt for calling her out on her cheating by making up an outlandish story to justify why she chose to have an out and out affair?

Her logic seems to be:

I was assaulted -> I didn't tell anyone -> so I chose to have an affair -> she went to Disneyland on a family trip with OM and her don -> moved OM into live with her -> you should forgive her having an affair.

That's pretty messed up. Assault or not, she still chose to have a blatant affair while you were deployed. 

Iyou shoud really stop wasting any mre time on this one you've suffered enough from her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

You guys are right. D will be done in less than 30 days. I've been done with her since the day I told her I wanted a D last year. Now I guess I need a way to deal with the anger
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

keko said:


> Dude, who cares if that cheap skank was raped or not. Forget about her misery and move on with your life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Anyone who believes nobody deserves to be raped?


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Nope no one deserves to be assaulted. Not that I believe that she was. I agree with the whole she made that up to try to throw me off. Sad thing is, I'm pretty sure she sold her family on it. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter. It's a shame, her family are wonderful people and don't deserve that. But she would lie to them rather than have to admit what really happened. I would be willing to admit that she made that story up more for thier benefit than for me. She had to tell them something when she moved back in with them. Guess I should have exposed. Too late now I guess. But like I said it doesn't matter now, with luck the D will be done before the end of August.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

crazyconfused said:


> Nope no one deserves to be assaulted. Not that I believe that she was. I agree with the whole she made that up to try to throw me off. Sad thing is, I'm pretty sure she sold her family on it. But in the end I guess it doesn't matter. It's a shame, her family are wonderful people and don't deserve that. But she would lie to them rather than have to admit what really happened. I would be willing to admit that she made that story up more for thier benefit than for me. She had to tell them something when she moved back in with them. Guess I should have exposed. Too late now I guess. But like I said it doesn't matter now, with luck the D will be done before the end of August.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, if that's so, her use of the concept of rape to try to get herself out of a jam is very revealing of a low moral character.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Dude, your getting dragged in by more of her lies. She clearly dated the guy while she was married to you. She chose to sleep with him, living the same house as him, to go on vacations with him, and to leave you for him.
> 
> Now she's trying to make you feel done kind of guilt for calling her out on her cheating by making up an outlandish story to justify why she chose to have an out and out affair?
> 
> ...



This reminds me of a story once told on here about a man whos W cheated on him with his father. His father was a cheater, cheated on his mom and supposedly everyone knew about it and his father even bragged about it. His father, while on his deathbed told his son that he had her many, many many times, over something like 2 years? then he died several days later. He confronted his W, and she said she was "assaulted/raped" and was too scared to tell anyone, yet the H said there was no abnormal actions while she was around her father when he was alive. All those times, for that long, she tells the MC that? WOW, i'm a big time skeptic, some people will say ANYTHING to justify, or minimize, or detract from the truth. I'm not saying your wife is not saying the truth, I'm saying if this was my case, I'd be hit hard but still have my doubts.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I think that there is a good reason to assume she was raped in terms of how you talk with her about it specifically. Which is that the worst thing you can do to a true victim of rape/abuse is to deny it, so the default is to presume it happened.

This is my "basic humanity" stance on it.

But, it does not matter one bit in terms of her affair. There is no question that she had an affair over a long period of time. If she was raped at some point, recently or in the deep past, it does not excuse the affair.

My approach would be to ignore the rape claim unless she says something. In that case I would simply offer my sorrow for what happened and to offer my support (emotional) for her recovery. That's it.

Really it doesn't matter what story she spins to her family. As long as it doesn't affect you, your income, your professional reputation, or your future romantic prospects.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

I am not sure if your wife is telling the truth about the assault. 

I just want to share the personally profile of the OW in my Cheating husband's situation. 

She claim that she planned on accusing a coworker of sexual assault so that she could get his job. 

She said she would flirt with him and tease him and have sex with him, and since he was a superior she would then accuse him of sexual assault and harassment. 

The OW obviously had no morals.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

This woman wasn't assaulted by the OM. She's just got caught cake eating and realized the the OM cake wasn't as tasty as confused's cake is. So it sounds like she tried to pull some half baked attempt at pulling the rape card to CHOA. IMO if she was assaulted she would either A) be telling you everything or B) would never have mentioned it at all. 
A) if she was assaulted by someone that she had no direct involvement in causing.
b) If she had something to hide. (ie dated the guy then tried to cut all ties) The other scenario is the guy threatened, you her, and your kid. 
Unfortunately it is hard to tell unless she spills the beans. 
Given that it was just an off handed remark I doubt anything happened. Sexual Assault is a big deal not something you can just sweep under a rug and pretend it never happened. There would be behavioral signs. I doubt those behavioral signs would be the same as having an A. (but I am no doctor)


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

DavidWYoung said:


> I had an American wife from a farm town in Ohio. We moved to Fulda Germany, while I was out on WarGames, she did what your wife did but with many, many different GI's. I do not talk to American women unless I have to now. I have a fine German wife and three wonderful children now. Maybe after you heal yourself you can go out into the world and find someone stronger and better. Good luck.


Hey, Sauerkraut...

I take great exception to your innuendos regarding American women.

While I am sorry you have suffered through infidelity, the idea that all of us American women are like that is utter nonsense.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I gotta agree with you there badbane. We are Pretty much on the same page. I guess it's tome to let this thread die unless someone knows a way for me to find out. Guess it would put that teeny weenie voice in the back of my head to sleep
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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