# Any tips?



## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

My wife and I are trying to get pregnant. Do you guys have any wisdom for a (likely) soon to be father?

I've read plenty of books and stuff about the actual pregnancy, I'm more talking about tips in parenting starting from the beginning. Is there anything that you wish you would have done differently? Is there something that you think worked out great for you and your children?

Thanks.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I am not a dad but in my experience the best father's are very hands on and make a point of participating in the care of their children when they are young.

You bond with an infant through caring for them and the fathers that I have known that didn't shy away from the "work" enjoy a bond with their children as strong as the mother's.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

One thing that helped me out was by discussing some high-level parenting issues before the baby was born. My husband agreed to help out and it was a true partnership in dealing with our son. He's still that way, very involved, and it made things easier just knowing we were on the same page and that I could rely on him. 

I agree with Falene; fathers I've seen who were very involved from the start have a great relationship w/ their kids.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Stay engaged from the beginning, feedings, diapers - the dirty stuff, not just the fun stuff. But the best tip I can think of is parenting is team work. You and W need to be on the same page, delivering the same message both positive re-enforcement and discipline.

One thing I wish I understood much earlier is to completely separate discipline from emotion, particularly negative emotions like anger or disappointment. It's like going grocery shopping hungry, you will end up with results you didn't really want.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

This part isn't parenting advice but it's *YOU* advice. I'm a mom and due with my second child (today as a matter of fact), but don't forget who you are or let your wife forget who she is once you both have a baby. 

Reading things from STFUParents will give you some pointers of _how not to act_ once your baby is born. Nobody really cares about your child's nap schedules, potty triumphs or baby constipation as much as mom and dad do. NOBODY. Photos of snot-bubbles are also not cute to anyone but you (and yes, they will be endearing if it's your kid) so don't post such things on Facebook. Make sure to maintain hobbies, watch the news and have other things to talk about besides placenta!

*TEAMWORK! TEAMWORK! TEAMWORK!*

I cannot stress this enough. You two need to know that you can lean on each other right after the baby's born. I'll share three pointers of _what not to do as a husband_ based on my experience:

The reading and research is great and even advice from friends and family has it's place but make sure not to undermine each other - even in the beginning. One thing that really got to me when our son was a baby is that my ex would phone his mom about advice on what to do - even if I knew what to do and his mom and I had the same idea; he'd check with her first to see if it was okay. That got really old, really fast and made me feel really undermined as a mom. Not to mention, it made me feel insecure about my husband's abilities because he couldn't make decisions on his own without calling in the troops. You will figure things out as you go along! 

In the first few weeks after pregnancy, it's very stressful for the both of you but I think more so for the mom because she's a bag of hormones making her emotional. If she cries, don't be as quick to assume it's PPD. Let her vent a little bit and cry but making snarky comments or acting over concerned that she has PPD if she doesn't, won't help her. 

Make sure mom gets some time for herself (and you too) but before you take your time, make sure mom has had a chance to shower. I will never forget what a raging b*tch I was made to look like after my ex left me at home all day with our three week old baby, only to come home with the fellas to tell me he was going to the casino and then for some beer. I hadn't had a shower, or a moment to breathe all day and I snapped on him. I regret snapping but it wasn't without reason.

Be an involved dad. My ex is actually a good, hands-on dad so I can't knock him for this at all. As a result, he and our oldest have a super bond. My ex actually stayed home for three months when our son was three months old and they have been close ever since. Doing even the less desirable things like changing diapers will bond you to your baby so be hands on and let a bond develop.

Lastly, don't stress or over-think things too much. People have procreated and managed to survive thousands of years - and prior generations with a lot less advantages than we have today. The fact that you're thinking, worrying now and planning ahead tells me that you have nothing to worry about! I'm sure you'll be a great dad!


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## Aggie (Sep 5, 2012)

So thus far my takeaways are:


Be involved
Discuss parenting with W before child is born - make sure on the same page
Don't tell the world everything about my baby
Don't undermine the wife
Don't suggest PPD until after W has cried out some
Make sure W and I take time for ourselves
Don't over-think & stress

Thanks everyone for their input. I'm kind of stressing out about the whole thing. We both want kids, but regardless it makes me very nervous. This makes me feel that at least I'm getting prepared for the whole thing.

Does anyone else have any other input? Thanks


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

This will be for a little later in your childs life but hopefully you will remember it.

Get them into something, something they are passionate about, and keep them there for as long as possible. Sports, recreation, I dont care if its the chess club.....just keep them busy in something that they enjoy, helps them push themselves, and gives them confidence.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I think Miss Taken has a good bit of advice aboit not loosing yourself. 

My Fiancee and I had a really close aet of married friends at one point. Once they had a kid we started drifting apart. 

Their kid should come first, don't get me wrong. But even when they would invite us over or we would go out for adults nights as they call them, all they talked about was their kid.

Typical situation, they would drop the kid over at one of the grand parents houses for the weekend and want to hang out on Saturday night. All they would do at dinner thou was show us pictures of the kid and talk about them.

I've ween alot of happy couples that har a kid and sort of lost themselves afterwards. I would hate for that to happen to me.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

Aggie said:


> So thus far my takeaways are:
> 
> 
> Be involved
> ...



thats a good list. sefently talk about child raising, and thoughts and views on disaplline, what about church, how much, how involved....but a lot of things will change when you meet the little person, and its a whole nother life, that changes everything.

babies as new borns are demanding, but dont forget, marriage first, if you can hire someone to help with laundry and cooking for a while.

its messy, loud, kids are crazy, kids are selfish...but then this amazing moment happens, and its all worth it.....then crazyness starts all over again...then amazing moments...then they talk...and walk...[thats amazing stuff], then crazy again.

the most important thing is keep talking to your wife, keep communications open....its easy to get caught in the whirlwind of a new baby, just try and have one foot on the ground.

you can ask all the advice in the world, but the best advice, is talk it out first...how long the 6 week check up to have sex, what diapers to use, who cooks, does it really matter if the laundry piles up for a week and a half, the two of you can weigh the pros vs cons, of daily living. of course, some things are off the cuff, like feeding times, and sleeping.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Kids don't want gifts. They want your time and your attention. If you took your kid fishing every month growing up and never bought them a thing, they'd think you were the greatest dad on the planet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I raised my DD22 on logic. Every decision I made, I explained the logic of it. That way, she could understand why I did it, and she couldn't argue it. Although I told her she was free to argue her case any time she wanted and I would always consider what she had to say and was willing to change my mind if she was persuasive enough. That empowers them, teaches them to think, teaches THEM to work on logic (it puts my DD22 WAY ahead of all her friends in most aspects of life), and keeps a great relationship between us.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I also told her that I would never stop loving her, although I may not like what she did. Big difference. And I told her that I would never judge her, just her actions. She tested that a lot in high school, but I remained true. The result is that she felt I was the only person she could trust 100%, and turn to. The non-judgment thing, and the listening thing, are HUGE for kids.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Aggie said:


> My wife and I are trying to get pregnant. Do you guys have any wisdom for a (likely) soon to be father?
> 
> I've read plenty of books and stuff about the actual pregnancy, I'm more talking about tips in parenting starting from the beginning. Is there anything that you wish you would have done differently? Is there something that you think worked out great for you and your children?
> 
> Thanks.


Being there is a great thing to do. Always be available and teach your child through example. I learned a great deal this way as a kid and it never felt like a lesson which must be why it worked.

On an extra side note. Please for the love of love remember to still be married to your wife. Too often when kids come along people forget that they still have a relationship that needs attention. You are parents too but that is not all you are. Take the wife on a date once a week and do not forget that you children will see what a marriage looks like through watching you in yours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And the best thing I did was based on an article I read (wish I could find it!) about a man who had 3 sons, and realized how much money he was blowing on them. So when they were in junior high/high school one year, he sat them down on January 1. He gave each of them a stack of cash. He said he calculated how much the parents were spending on each kid for a year, and that was how much was in front of them. He told them that he was giving them the money now, and that they would be responsible for paying their own bills for the whole year. It was up to them what to do with the money, but know this: he and their mom would NOT bail them out, for ANY reason, so spend wisely.

One kid blew all his money in a couple months. And then he had to start figuring out how to pay for school activities, recreation, cokes, gifts, whatever, for the rest of the year; the next year he got a little better, and each year got better and better at budgeting his money.

Another kid tried to budget but didn't quite get it right and ran out of money about 9 or 10 months in. So he missed out on some things he wanted to get or do. I think he went and got a job, too, IIRC. He, too, got better with practice.

The last kid completely revamped what he spent money on, made a budget, and started a savings account with the surplus. 

He said that 15 years later, all 3 kids paid their own way through college, all had great savings accounts, and all 3 had bought a home, because of learning to budget their money while still in school.

So when DD22 was about 15, I didn't quite do the same (too lazy), but I told her I was giving her a weekly allowance and it was up to her to figure out what to spend the money on, cos I wasn't going to pay for anything else, except medical bills and at home groceries. Suddenly, that CD or game wasn't all that interesting, now that she had to pay for it. She's very frugal now and won't waste money if she doesn't really need something. 

Also, when she was little, I gave her an allowance, but I had her set up 3 banks - one for spending, one for a savings account, and one for charity. And at the end of the year, I'd have her pick what charity she wanted to give her money to, and helped her donate it.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Here's another tip. 

Have zero expectations about what your child's temperament will be! I love both of my children (newest LO is only six days old) but I can already tell that they have completely different temperaments.

My first son was a "perfect" baby. He rarely cried and was easily calmed down, slept well, was a good eater, was independent (as far as babies go) adapted easily to change and nothing really threw him off. He even had to be woken up for night feeds as a newborn because he slept so well at night. At age 8, he's still pretty much the same - a VERY easygoing, and well behaved, go-with-the-flow kind of kid.

My newborn is distinctly different from my oldest. He's more high maintenance. He wants to be cuddled constantly if he's awake -- and often when he's sleeping! It sounds cute and all (and it really is for the most part) but I've had to use the restroom while holding him in the crook of my neck like a telephone four times since he's been born... that's something I can do without lol.

My baby sling is not a luxury, it's a necessity and I've spent four nights, sleeping upright in a chair, propped up with pillows (so I can't turn over or drop him) and him on my chest just so I could steal away three hours of sleep before his next feeding. My oldest is a patient kid. My newborn is not waiting for anything lol. He wants what he wants and he wants it NOW! He also protests everything from changing positions, not getting to the milk fast enough or changing his diaper. He is still a very happy baby so long as his demands are met and the ransom is paid on time lol. 

All I'm saying is don't expect or assume your baby will be like "X" based on what you've seen in other babies. They are their own persons and all of them have distinctly different personalities, need levels and temperaments. When you do end up with your little blessing, also don't compare your kids to anyone else s for better or worse. Kids all develop at different rates but eventually, they do get there (mostly).

With all that said, the love you will feel for your children is indescribable. I cared greatly for both of my children while pregnant but the moment they were finally born, I felt love wash over me in a way I don't think it could for anyone else. I was also worried that I wouldn't love my second child as much as the first but now that he's here, that worry has been quashed... your heart just grows and makes more room.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

be a dad,
be a friend of the child with whom he/she can share things. Then the kid will love you more than anyone. Dont just be a traditional father who talks very little, pay not much attention. A Friendly father will be more better for kids.


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