# Probable NPD wife



## Nix (Jan 23, 2012)

Got involved with her on the rebound from a nearly 11 year relationship that ended very suddenly (ex left me, long story, details in my previous posts). In retrospect this should have been a short term relationship. There were lots of flashing red lights warning me to run but I did not heed them. Long story short, we got married. We have been married now a little over one year. 

Most recently, there was an incident of domestic violence in my home directed at my wife by one of her children from a previous marriage. I was a bystander, but I easily could have been injured had I attempted to intervene. The incident was brief and my wife was not seriously hurt but it was and remains a highly volatile situation. The incident happened as the result of many things but one reason is that my wife treats everyone around her terribly. She is rude, inconsiderate, selfish and seems to believe that everyone else was put on this earth to wait on her hand and foot.

At first I thought she was BPD due to the rages, the lack of empathy, the coldness she can display. On further reading it seems NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a better fit for what I experience every day of this relationship. She becomes enraged if I spend too much time on my laptop, she tries to dictate what I wear, what I eat, and doesn't see one thing wrong with it. Recently she asked me to adjust the remote and when I didn't respond immediately she exploded into a torrent of screaming and cursing. After she was spent she acted like nothing had happened. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and how they affect the people in her life - me, her kids, everyone.

When I try to address any issues with her she either shuts down or explodes. When she explodes, she will curse at me, scream at the top of her lungs and use anything I have ever shared with her as a weapon against me. She will never discuss anything in a calm, adult manner. She is very dismissive and acts like all of my concerns are due to my own problems, sensitivity, etc. I have begged her several times to attend couples counseling with me. She has refused each time and says she would be mortified if anyone knew that I wanted counseling after such a short time together - we have been a couple for just over 2 years, married for just over 1.

I just got into therapy myself and my stated goal is to end this marriage and move on so I can find someone without a personality disorder. Part of me really wants this to work out long term but given my wife's unwillingness to work on the glaring issues we have, I don't know if that is realistic.

I welcome any thoughts. Thanks.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

I'd have a VAR in my pocket the minute I walked in the door just to document it. Then I'd divorce her and listen to the recordings whenever second thoughts crept in.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Nix said:


> At first I thought she was BPD due to the rages, the lack of empathy, the coldness she can display. On further reading it seems NPD (narcissistic personality disorder) is a better fit.


Perhaps so, Nix. Yet, as we discussed last November, the behaviors you describe here are closer to the warning signs for BPD. Specifically, the extreme anger, hostility, and physical abuse are far more characteristic of BPD. Whereas 3 of the 9 defining traits for BPD have the term "anger" or "rage" in them, NONE of the 9 defining traits for NPD contain those terms. Moreover, you describe a woman who is emotionally unstable and thus can flip on a dime between adoring someone and hating them. Significantly, such instability is a trait for BPD, not NPD.

This is not to say, however, that she cannot exhibit strong traits for BOTH of these disorders. A recent study of 35,000 American adults found that a third of female BPDers also suffer from co-occurring full-blown NPD. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Nix, can you just separate now while you continue IC and get the resolve up to file for D?


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## afab (Jul 28, 2015)

nix said:


> the incident happened as the result of many things but one reason is that my wife treats everyone around her terribly. She is rude, inconsiderate, selfish and seems to believe that everyone else was put on this earth to wait on her hand and foot.
> 
> She tries to dictate what i wear, what i eat, and doesn't see one thing wrong with it. After she was spent she acted like nothing had happened. She refuses to take any responsibility for her actions and how they affect the people in her life - me, her kids, everyone.
> 
> ...


sounds like my wife!


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

BPD and NPD are very much entangled and they complement each other very well (!). In fact, you have to be a total douche of a narcissist first in order to escalate your cruelty to the level of a true BPDer.

Neither disorder is worth wasting any life on by the abused spouse. Divorce and never look back is the only logical approach.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep, I would either go for that or give her one shot at choosing different behavior, linked to a very short time frame....

"Wife your behavior is beyond my ability to manage on my own. It is behavior I will no longer accept as ok and no longer tolerate, therefore I am requiring you to seek professional anger management help in order for me to remain in this marriage. If you refuse by xyz date we will be separating. If after separating you still choose to not pursue professional help, you will be choosing to risk divorce with me."

After that you will need a second time frame to see adequate turn around.

Best of luck... no one should tolerate that kind of behavior.


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