# I think I should end my marriage



## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Hi,

it has been months since my 7 year marriage started going downhill. My wife [suddenly] expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship and it all went wrong from there. She had 2 very brief emotional affairs both of which I caught early. 

I told her she had 1 more chance, I wanted to try again to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets, that I had tried everything. 

She became depressed and started anti-depressants, they took a while to work but things seemed to be getting better. She started laughing a lot more, things just felt better. She seemed happy, and therefore I was happy too.

Well yesterday I noticed she had become all reserved and moody again. I asked her about it at night and she explained she still wasn't happy with the relationship, and that it was "just ok" and we were just "living our lives". She says she wants it to be great. I ask her how we can make it great, what is missing, and she says she doesn't know.

This is the EXACT same conversation we had months back when this all started.

I am so fed up of it now. I have nothing left to give. I think I'd be happier if she just left but we have a son of 6yrs. She also has no money, she has 2 jobs but they only total 15hrs a week.

When she is happy, I am happy, but I feel this can't be fixed, it has gone on too long. Even if she says she's ok now, in a few weeks it'll be back to the same old conversation.

I am weary and feel I can't make any more effort, I am tired of the same conversations. I am tired of having to watch what I say around her. I am tired of her saying the relationship is just ok and offering nothing to improve it.

Counselling was completely useless for us. I have nothing left


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> My wife [suddenly] expressed dissatisfaction with our relationship and it all went wrong from there.





f1r3f1y3 said:


> She had 2 very brief emotional affairs both of which I caught early.





f1r3f1y3 said:


> she explained she still wasn't happy with the relationship, and that it was "just ok" and we were just "living our lives".


In all of those statements and actions, she is reaching out to you and trying to tell you there is something she needs from you. I know you asked what it is she wants, but she isn't quite able to pinpoint. I find a clue in her behavior and maybe the emotional affairs are her trying to tell you she needs more of your time and attention. There were things you did for her and things you said to her that made her want to marry you. I'm thinking you no longer do those things or whisper those sweet nothings in her ear. I think she needs to feel loved again, but often times men confuse affection and love with sex. Medication affected her mood, but nothing had changed in the love, affection, attention departments so yes, the same complaints, the same conversations over and over again because nothing is different. I don't know if she suffers clinical depression of situational depression, but meds can't change her life or make her marriage better. They only, as you noticed, take her mind off the intensity for a while.



f1r3f1y3 said:


> I told her she had 1 more chance, I wanted to try again to make sure I wouldn't have any regrets, that I had tried everything.


You say you have nothing left to give but if she couldn't tell you what she needs and therefore, you didn't know what to do, then my question is what have you given? You told her you would try one more time, so what did you try? I know you have been patient, but what specifically have you done to be exhausted of it all now? Waiting around for something to be different isn't going to make anything different.

I feel your frustration, and I think you have given up because you don't think anything will work since marriage counseling didn't work. But if you would REALLY try something and REALLY exhaust every avenue, I think you will be pleased with the outcome.

Understand your wife's emotional needs and print out two copies of the Emotional Needs Questionnaire. Each of you fill out a form and then discuss your answers with each other. You will come to understand each other much better.

And if you want to really take her over the top, rekindle your romance, and make her fall back in love with you, this movie and the book walks you through every step.


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## Hedgehog (Jun 18, 2010)

From what you say, it sounds to me like there's not a lot of postives left in your relationship. You wouldn't be the only couple with a kid to separate - and kids do survive it. Sounds to me like you are both making each other very unhappy. Good luck in working it out.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Just found out she has been chatting to the guy she had an emotional affair with a few months back.

NOW it's over.

She has gone into her "sorry, please punish me" routine. 

This is her 3rd emotional affair. The last time she talked to this guy we separated as I found it so unacceptable. Now she was talking to him again behind my back.

I want her to move out and leave my son and I in the house, at least for 6 months to see how it goes. But she says she won't leave, she'll do anything but that.

My son will be heartbroken but she is making me miserable, and she has lied to me so many times. 

help what do I do


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## sage.xwifez (Jun 5, 2010)

Take a breath, then another, then another. This will not kill you but it might make you a more effective person if you let it.

I hear that you are very hurt, angry, fed-up and tired of the whole drama. It sounds like you are battling NRE (new relationship energy) that your wife has with this guy. You can't win that battle, all you can do is work on yourself, for yourself and your son. I have been through all this stuff myself and I truly believe that at this point you should not be looking at the relationship at all, you should be looking at yourself. Heal yourself, better yourself and then even if she isn't capable of having a relationship with you on your terms someone better will.

There is a lot in your posts that suggests you have plenty to work on e.g. you are happy when she's happy. Here's a first task for you to concentrate on: Find five things that make you happy and are unrelated to your wife. Start incorporating them into your life.

I know the thought of getting her out of the house must seem like it would ease your pain but I don't know if it would. You obviously still love her a lot otherwise you wouldn't be putting yourself through all this, you would have gone already.

Is there a room you can move into within the house? If so that would be a good first step I think.

Remember: You deserve happiness. You can't make her make you happy, but you do have the power to create your own happiness.

Good luck, I will subscribe to the thread.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

thanks Sage. I worked on myself for months when this all started. I really feel great about my life except for her. I am strong and confident in what I am doing, I really don't have any worries, I like who I am and what I do. 

There's a room I can move into, I will certainly be doing that in the short term.

"You obviously still love her a lot otherwise you wouldn't be putting yourself through all this, you would have gone already."

I think it could work between us. The issues within our relationship are all fixable but how could I possibly continue in this relationship when she has now cheated on me 3 times. Surely that is enough to end it despite of love, which clearly isn't enough


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

I can understand why you're upset with your wife. The continued emotional affairs are unacceptable, and you shouldn't just overlook them (as some would suggest). You do agree that the relationship is fixable though, but not until the emotional affairs are squashed. Have you thought about precautions to put into place to prevent these emotional affairs? I mean if she is using email, texts, or other electronic means, you would get unlimited access to these accounts to help keep her accountable (or delete them entirely if that's what it takes to remove the temptation). You could also install a keylogger on the computer. If she works with the guy, she should quit her job. This will allow her to put all of her energy into your relationship instead of creating ways to cheat without your knowledge.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

thanks FOM, actually have access to all her accounts online and have a keylogger on her laptop. She doesn't work with this one, met online. Who knows who she knows at work.

She says she hasn't met or called him, only chatted online. Can't believe anything she says though.

She chatted to this one on yahoo chat, on her phone. Pretty much no way I could log that. Even those phone logger backdoor services don't cover chat on the phone.

I found it by total chance, still keep tabs on her from the last time and she slipped up.

Even this morning when I confronted her, she still lied about some facts, just little things, but still lies. 

She can't help herself.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

You want your wife to stop, but you don't seem to want to do anything to work on the relationship? Why is that?

You respond to people who sympathize with you and take it as opportunity to complain about your wife some more, but you don't respond to people who give you any kind of task to perform. Why is that?


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## Gman (Jun 11, 2010)

Sounds like what's going on with me, Firefly... even as late as this weekend, when my wife and I went out of town together, she couldn't keep her mind on us... still texted Mr Hole several times while we were away together. It sucks, it hurts, but still... there are changes coming!

Be safe and take care of yourself.

Gman


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Susan, he really can't work on the relationship while his wife is still in contact with the other guy. It's like pouring water in a bucket that has holes in the bottom. The affair must be stopped first, then he can work on the relationship. She will continue doing it as long as it's easy and convenient, plus the reality with the other guy is like a fantasy. She doesn't have to deal with problems, and she doesn't have to work to get that warm, fuzzy, in-love feeling. 

Have you exposed your wife's activities to influential people in her life such as friends or parents who would frown on her behavior?


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Susan, sorry i didn't mean to ignore you. We did work on it a lot. We changed our relationship in several ways such as dating more, changes in sex patterns, family time. She got a couple of jobs and starting going out to yoga, tennis, somethings she wanted to do.

She started the anti-depressents as I mentioned, took a while but they worked in the end.

Unfortunately, instead of pushing to work on it, she did the EA thing again.

How can we work on the relationship when she has broken the trust 3 times, and each time lied to my face blankly. After all that, when you say things like:

"In all of those statements and actions, she is reaching out to you and trying to tell you there is something she needs from you."

I am so far past that. I was there trying to figure that out 2-3 months ago, after EA number 2.

When people tell me to try and figure out what her needs are, I think maybe I didn't write in English or something. 3 emotional affairs, and my job is to figure out what her needs are?


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Fom; I made her tell her parents who are very traditional and strict. That was influential after number 2, but that same guy has popped up again.

Gman; sorry you're going through something similar. Interestingly, when I found out about number 3 I wasn't even shocked, upset, anything. People on this board told me if she did it twice she'd do it again, and they were right.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

Is she willing to give up her phone and electronic accounts, and maybe even her job to focus on her relationship with you?


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Pretty sure right now she would do anything, she did the last times too, huge regret and begging for forgiveness. Then over a few weeks as things settle down she gets back to it.

I have access to all the accounts, all she has is her phone. I could ask for that for a few weeks, to get us over the initial stage and until we have a [new] plan of action for working on things.

Thanks FOM I will think about that.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Trying to change her feelings is never going to work..sorry, but that is how it is...she's already tasted the euphoria of attention from someone else...that isn't going away anytime soon..you have 2 options..1. continue the downward spiral you're on, hoping she just 'snaps' out of it(which she's not), or you can do the sensible thing and 'snap' her out of it by booting her out...it's the only thing that is going to break through (hopefully) her head..it's tough to do, but at this point you have 'lost' her...let her see if this is what she really wants..what have you got to lose?...she'll either see the OM isn't reality and want back, or it's more than a fantasy EA and she'll go foward with it, either way you'll know your answer IMO..good luck with decision, although the choice is easy.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you call her parents back and tell them?

Have you told her best friends? Other people she's close to?

Do you have OM's #? Have you called him to tell him to stay the hell away?

These are short-term fixes, granted, but if she won't leave the house, you need to look at this as an option, til she can get mental help for what's pushing her to be so destructive.


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## sage.xwifez (Jun 5, 2010)

Guy, guys, guys you are going down the completely wrong track with all this monitoring and making her fess up. All you are doing is confirming to her that she is in prison and you're her jailer. You will never force someone to love you, forsaking all others by doing this kind of thing. She is acting completely out of fear, that's why people lie generally, because they are afraid of the consequences of the truth.

And I'm not telling you to overlook anything. I have been exactly where your wife is and while it might seem to you that she's having all the fun and you're the one hurting, believe me she is not in a fun space. 

There is only one thing you can do and that is be the person she wants to love. Until she gets to that point, you're absolutely right, you can't trust her or anything she says.


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## MrRomantic (Jun 14, 2010)

sage.xwifez said:


> Guy, guys, guys you are going down the completely wrong track with all this monitoring and making her fess up. All you are doing is confirming to her that she is in prison and you're her jailer. You will never force someone to love you, forsaking all others by doing this kind of thing. She is acting completely out of fear, that's why people lie generally, because they are afraid of the consequences of the truth.
> 
> And I'm not telling you to overlook anything. I have been exactly where your wife is and while it might seem to you that she's having all the fun and you're the one hurting, believe me she is not in a fun space.
> 
> There is only one thing you can do and that is be the person she wants to love. Until she gets to that point, you're absolutely right, you can't trust her or anything she says.


I agree with this. I'm not sure this forum always has the best answers for people... In my situation of dealing with the other man, I am coming to the realization that I need to, in essence, set her free. This is iffy advice to give because there are so many different variables in a relationship, there cannot be one correct answer. In my relationship, I was smothering my wife. I felt the love was lacking between us so I upped my love...essentially pouring gas on the fire instead of water. In the midst of trying to figure out what was wrong, this other guy entered the picture. I saw all signs pointing that she was having some type of affair. I also have a lot of reasons to trust my wife, which I was ignoring because of the situation. In my situation, I am coming to see it is best that I let her find her own happiness. If that involves cheating, then our relationship wasn't meant to be. I personally have accepted this and am now willing to let her "find herself." If that includes me in the picture, we can make our marriage work. If not, then I don't want to be part of this relationship


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Sorry dude. You'll never be the person she wants to love. For years you've been someone she can't love. So go ahead. Throw the dice. Become someone else and see if she likes #2. And even if you get lucky and become someone she can love, the one she didn't will always be in the front of her mind. Any little thing will remind her of him and set you both back.

I've changed for my wife. Lost weight, better with the kids, controll my temper. She still doesn't love me. Never will. The only way our (yours and mine) lives are different is that my wife's not reaching out to other men for emotional or physical satisfaction. She's chosen to stick it out in a loveless marriage. At least she realizes she sold me a bad bill of goods and gives me all the sex and BJ's I want to make up for it. And I don't have to worry about satisfying her in return. She wants it to end fast and I'm fine with that.

Someone PLEASE start classes for engaged women that lets them know the young, fun, carefree man they're engaged to will become an old, balding, tight budget middle age man. If you don't think you'll be able to handle it, get a puppy.


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## FOM (Jun 23, 2010)

f1r3's wife wants the "in love" high from the other man that she can't get from f1r3 anymore. (He will never be able to provide the new relationship high again, since that's a one time deal that only last 2 - 3 years). But she also wants the security posed from the long term relationship already established with f1r3, as evidenced by her remorse after being busted again. Now, it is true that you will never force someone to love you, but you can help them uphold the commitment they made while they were "in love". The "in love" feeling comes from serotonin release in the brain, and is literally like a drug addiction. f13r can help her break this addiction to the other man by removing the secrecy (no cheater wants their love texts and emails read by their devoted spouse, or have their cheating activities exposed to their friends and loved ones). If he doesn't, her continued contact will ultimately destroy the already damaged marriage. If you're one of the many (probably the majority) who views personal autonomy as more important than the institution of marriage, then you will allow the cheater to make their own choice. The cheating spouse will see you're not willing to fight for the marriage, or more importantly, they perceive that you don't value them enough to fight for it, and the marriage will come to an end. They will "find themselves" in the arms of another and rewrite the history of your marriage as one that was always in trouble to justify their behavior.

I will not argue that most marriages likely have other problems when cheating episodes are discovered. This DOES NOT justify the cheating.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Really appreciate all the advice, thanks. Been reading the posts and thinking hard about what to do.

As far as the OM goes, I don't think she has any intention, fantasy or otherwise, to make a life with him. She uses him for some sort of validation that I don't give her. Short term I don't need to stop them contacting. She won't contact him anymore over the coming weeks. Then as things settle down, she'll need a fix, she can't help herself.

The problem with stopping all the monitoring and "setting her free" is, I wouldn't know when she starts physically cheating. I am 28 now, I don't want to be 38 when I figure out she has been cheating for 10 years. I wish she had physically cheated, then I could end it without hesitation.

For the people that posted that all I can do is change to be someone she'll love; I am not interested in changing for her at all. I like who I am and what I do. If I am not willing to change, does it mean it's over?

I want her to move out. If it wasn't for our son, that would have happened last time too. While we don't argue in front of him I feel like the best thing for him is we are all under 1 roof. If she was willing to talk about it civaly then maybe we could arrange a 6 month separation calmly and properly. This would be my preference but she won't talk about it at all right now. She firmly refuses to leave the house.

I don't know what I'm going to do or how I'm going to act today. Managed to sleep ok last night, used to this situation now


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The point is, you are screwed. You can't just make her leave her son. And if you go the legal route, she is much more likely to end up with major custody, AND the house. So your options are (1)decide to do the work to fix whatever's wrong with your marriage that she HAS to go outside it to get validated and also focus on her for some time so that she is able to get help in some way to stop NEEDING to be validated (think self esteem or recover from childhood issues), (2) become roommates until your son graduates and THEN move out and get a new life, or else (3) YOU leave and become a part-time dad and get the single life you seem to want.


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> I am not interested in changing for her at all. I like who I am and what I do.


Good for you. Good decision. It won't work anyhow.

And get a prescription for sleeping pills. They changed my life. In lieu of that, Target has a generic, over the counter that works. It says to take one, but I use 2.

Good luck


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Cody..it goes both ways in the marriage..as you stated, they should start a class for engaged women?..because men get old, bald and tight budgeted?..I disagree, I might be GETTING old, but I don't act it, and I have all my hair, and I like to spend, my wife told me a couple of months before she left me, she said "Babe, you might not be as good as you once were, but you're just as good once as you ever were."..now she listens to a lot of country songs, and was trying to express her feelings to me from them, I realize it now as she would try to explain what they meant (Like I didn't know), but I didn't know she felt that she wanted me to know what they meant...either way I didnt care because I realized I had no passion for her, because now I am happy she left, whereas 3 months ago I was totally devasted..If anything, both spouses need to realize their partner will change, physically and mentally whether they decide to believe it, is another story..IMO


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

She has agreed to move out for 6 months if I pay her rent, she is seeing a place today. Son will stay with me through the week, her at weekends.

She will goto therapy, she has first appointment next week.

After 6 months we'll review what we want.

She went totally crazy the other day. We went out for a drink to talk about how it'd work, it all broke down and she went into a huge mood.

I told her she was acting differently to a person who still wants forgiveness and for the relationship to work. Everything spiralled out of control and she gave me her wedding ring back in a crying, shouting state.

I said if she didn't leave for the 6 months I'd have to go to court. Then in a massive u-turn she grabbed her ring back and started begging for forgiveness and said she'd do anything as long as we didn't get divorced.

She calmed down since then and has accepted looking for a place.

Who said separation was hard? This is so easy, NOT.

Am I even doing the right thing, I am so tough to her on the outside but on the inside my mind is just constantly second guessing what I'm saying.

One minute I think it's the right thing to do and the next I think it'd all be ok if she goes to therapy and I pay her much more attention. She's clearly not in a stable state right now.


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

Also I have looked into the custody thing. I am no where near going to court about this but I'm doing my research, plan D type thing.

There is no way in a million years she'd get custody based on our circumstances. Everything is stacked heavily in my favour.

I don't know what's in her head, but this probably partially accounts for the u-turn.

I had a look online at Bi-Polar disorder too. It doesn't really match her moods (she doesn't get "highs" in between the lows) other than this 1 case.

It was so strange, she just completely changed what she was saying in a the blink of an eye.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad had a brain tumor once, and he completely became another person. Until he had surgery and they removed it. Back to normal. Very weird. You just never know what can cause a person to change - assuming it's not affair-based; if it is, all bets are off.


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## El Guapo (Jun 11, 2010)

do you know the nature of her flirting/chatting? Is it sexting? Mildly flirtatious? Talking about kids? Is there more history here?


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## Brewster 59 (Jun 19, 2010)

f1r3f1y3 said:


> She has agreed to move out for 6 months if I pay her rent, she is seeing a place today. Son will stay with me through the week, her at weekends.
> .


Well Im not a laywer but if you pay her rent and keep your child 5 days a week for 6mon that will be the lifestyle you are establishing which could lead to the courts requiring you to maintain that lifestyle. If that is something you dont want to do I would find out if you would be expected to maintain that level of support if a divorce was to happen.


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