# Husband is ducking and diving



## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

I recently found out that my husband has been in contact with a past "friend" from his old high school. He has been communicating with her via facebook, cell phone and emails. The only evidence I found was the questionable emails sent between the two of them. The woman in question was telling my husband that there is an obvious attraction between the two of them and that second marriages are always better and that he should get out of the marriage with me. They were telling each other that they miss each other and so on and so forth. I confronted my husband - his excuse was that he didn't love her and he needed someone to vent his anger with. Shortly after this, he deleted all the emails. We have been going to a marriage counsellor who said that both my husband and I have to send this woman an email to end the "relationship". I pretty much told her to ****** off, but my husband said the following: "After going to counselling with my wife, it was pointed out to me that it is inappropriate for me to remain in contact with you. I will therefore no longer be able to communicate with you regardless of the platform." I definitely think his wording could have been better. It feels like he said to her that he is ending it because he was told to. What to you guys think? And by the way, he has had this relationship with her for over a year and I have no clue of whether is has gone beyond an emotional affair. He is always changing his passwords to his laptop and computer and he carries around this external hard drive and stores all his emails there. Very devious!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My husband did that.
And the wording of the no contact letter was similar.
I suggest instead of focusing on this one issue, you think hard about the rest of your relationship, and whether it is satisfying. What I discovered was that the secretive emails and inappropriate relationship was just the tip of the iceberg of a whole bunch of deceit, manipulation, and abuse. You don't say how long you have been married or what the rest of your relationship is like, whether you have children together, what your past and outside relationships are (with women or men), etc. 

It sounds like your H has something to hide. What a horrible stressful life he might lead. I hope he doesn't blame you for that. 

It's wrong for him to vent to another woman and then justify the relationship as some sort of counseling. That's a crock. 

I found the book "Wolf in Sheep's Clothing" helpful.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Unless he is 100% open and honest I would leave him, he's not serious about his commitment to you.


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

My husband and I have been married for 16 years this year. You are right about the "tip of the iceberg" thing. I have always wondered through the years whether he has been messing around....We got married when we were 19 years old (we are the same age) and we now have 4 children. I promise you, if I find out that he has been lying to me and keeping this woman in the background for "just in case" purposes, I will definitely leave him. I just wish there was some way of accessing his email (which is his work email at a different physical address) to see what he has been hiding from me....any tips????


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you can get hold of his computer when the hard drive is in it and he's out of the room, download a keylogger on it. Shop first, have the URL ready, and you can pay and download it within a few minutes; then you have to tell it YOUR email address, so it can email YOU all his keystrokes. You won't get hers, but you'll get his. Then, it doesn't matter if he keeps you from getting on his computer. And it's hidden; only the smartest IT people can find the coding for it.

Also buy a voice-activated recorder and some velcro, and stick it under the seat of his car; check it daily. If he's talking to her (or any other woman), it'll likely be in his car to and from work.

What requirements did you give him for you to be willing to KEEP him? You should be requiring:
access to your computer to prove that he is not cheating
doing REAL work at marriage counseling (lots of cheaters go to MC and pretend to be not cheating)
spending 15 hours a week with you in non-work/household-related activities, so you can recreate your feelings for each other - this is a MUST!
setting up one hour a week to talk about stuff where you both promise not to defend yourself, but to LISTEN, so he WILL have a place to vent - with YOU

You may also consider requiring he take a polygraph test. And YES, you DO have a right to request it. He CHEATED on you, and you should be mad as hell. He has to PROVE to you that he has stopped cheating. If you don't do this one core step - making him EARN your trust back - he'll be back to cheating in a month. After all, you made it so easy: let her yell a little (which I tune out anyway) and I get to go pick out the next chick.


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## lebogang (Jul 19, 2011)

Wow turnera, you sound experienced.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I've been advising on forums like this for a long time. Every cheater follows a pattern. And uncovering a cheater always takes the same steps. And STOPPING the cheating follows certain 'rules' which, if not followed, teach the cheater that his spouse is a doormat and he can cheat at will. This is one time that a betrayed spouse HAS to be firm and adamant that, without these changes, they WILL LEAVE the cheater. It's scary, but trust me, if you don't make it clear you will accept nothing less than total commitment, they will continue to cheat.


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

Thank-you so much everybody! I didn't expect such a quick response....I think maybe us ladies are really sick and tired of being lied to.
Today I bought something called a "Spycobra". Ever heard of it? It is a USB devise and a keylogger.....so let's hope it works! I am not a computer fanatic, and I hope that it is really simple to use.
Will let you all know what transpires as it goes along....


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## Gracie08 (Jul 19, 2011)

I can't imagine the anguish you must be feeling - and shame on him and his behaviour.

I don't know your situation, but I could not stay with someone who I thought might be cheating on me. That, to me, is absolutely unforgiveable. 

If you can't trust him now, what makes you think it will change?

I'm not an expert, by any stretch (I married and left a very abusive man), but the phrase 'once a dog, always a dog' seems to apply here.

Good luck and stay strong. Nobody deserves to be treated this way.


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

Thanks, Gracie
I know what you are thinking, but there a whole lot of things at play here. I need to gather enough evidence of him cheating on me. That will make my case stronger when i go to court to divorce him. I know that he will try and claim maintenance (allomony) from me as I pay for most of the expenses in the household. Why?..you may ask? Well, silly me, I have over the years made it my responsibility to pay for just about everything except for the bond and medical aid.....you see, my husband really moans alot when things need to get paid, so...I had no choice but to pay for the things I pay. The problem is that at the end of the month after expenses had been paid, I have no money left. My husband on the other hand does have money (he only pays the monthly bond repayments on the house and medical aid). The extra money my husband has left after he pays expenses, he just spends it on himself and all his hobbies. Sad hey. So unfortunately, because I pay most expenses..he difinitely is able to claim maintenance from me if I leave him. Well, it's a possibility.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Around here, alimony is calculated strictly on income, I believe. The spouse with more income may have to pay to the spouse with less income. It has nothing to do with "who paid for what" in the marriage. And our country is a "no fault" jurisdiction... It doesn't matter if I get caught on the news having sex with a barrel of midgets, the alimony amounts would be based on income alone. The duration of the alimony payments would be determined by the duration of the marriage.

My advice, talk to a local family law lawyer.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, the FIRST thing you need to do is stop paying his bills. Oh, did that need to get paid? Well, I guess you'd better take care of it, since it's in your name.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think the court will care who PAID the bills, however, but rather how much income came into the household from each of you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Did you install the keylogger? Yes, his relationship with her is inappropriate and if he has any loyalty to you, he will never speak to her again. Ever.

His wording would have prob miffed me too but it's said and done now. 

Him not being transparent by offering up keywords and passwords/codes to me is not a good sign. Tell him he need to earn your trust back or else.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah, this is ONE time in your life where you have to be absolute and adamant - stop or you lose me. Period.


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## Dr Snuggles (Jul 19, 2011)

Thanks for the advise Turnera, Jellybeans and PBear! I am hoping to put the keylogger in soon...as soon as I can get a chance...he lives on his computer...so I need to find a gap sometime to do this damn thing! Stay tuned...i'll let you know what I found.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you ask him to go take care of a chore, suddenly?


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