# I've lost



## lostnalone (Sep 30, 2012)

hello. I'm a married male, who's wife is always sick. I've been with her for more than 14yrs. Her illness has left me feeling angry, and used. I don't want to get too specific, but her last bout almost took her life. she's had more surgeries than anyone i know. I was devastated none the less. she's fought a great battle, and is doing well somewhat to this day. However;

I've not been the best husband. I have distanced myself from her, to the point that it almost feels like im single. Her constant being sick down right has taken a toll on me mentally and physically. 

I've lost jobs due to her illness, friends, now our home. I just want to walk off a pier into deep water. every decision I've had to make has been on my on. And now i find myself tired, depressed and mostly non caring. I'm tired of the constant trying to be as good as my siblings, i've had to fight for everything I ever got, and now, I just don't feel like fighting anymore.. ashamed to say this but i just want to go home(heaven).

i know im suppose to have the faith of a mustard seed, but i don't i just don't have anymore to give.. sorry if not posted in the right place.


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## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

I don't know what to tell you other than my heart goes out to you. I will do what I can do for you which is say a prayer for you. One thing that I'm hearing is that you lack Hope, and if you can find someway to get it back in some way...it will change everything. God Bless you Brother!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Take is easy now. Slow down and sit down a minute.

Have you ever heard of caregiver burn out? 
http://www.ama-assn.org/resources/doc/public-health/caregiver_english.pdf

Google it and read everything. What you are feeling is the bottom of the depression from burn out. You give and care until you are empty. This is temporary and IT WILL GET BETTER!

Make an appointment today to see your doctor and be honest about thoughts of death, even if you are no longer feeling them.

The human body is hard wired for self preservation. When the mind begins to think that death would be better, something has gone terrible wrong and that something can be FIXED!

I've care for a brother who died from ALS, currently caring for a sister, stage IV kidney cancer and a mother end stage dementia (she is in a facility though) so I really KNOW the emptiness! But I promise you, it gets better.

Please post again and let me know you've called your doc AND made an appointment?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Can I ask what her illness is not the diagnosis but is it a mental of physical condition? Is she limited to bed only?
There are so many organizations that can help.

We don't expect our marriage to be in illness only. Anonpink is right you sound burned out, and with reason. I doubt your siblings are in your situation so stop trying for be like them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

www.wellspouse.org

Find a local support group, go to your doctor, see a counselor. Take a break. Be honest about needing breaks, needing friends, fun outings and all of the normal things that people need to decompress from life. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.


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## MrsLadyWriter (May 21, 2013)

justonelife said:


> www.wellspouse.org
> 
> Find a local support group, go to your doctor, see a counselor. Take a break. Be honest about needing breaks, needing friends, fun outings and all of the normal things that people need to decompress from life. There's nothing wrong with taking care of yourself.


:iagree:

Too many times it's the careGIVER that winds up going first rather than the sick person. Take care of yourself so that you will have the energy (physical AND emotional) to take care of her.

Both of you are in my prayers!


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## lostnalone (Sep 30, 2012)

Hello to all that are worried about me. I just want to say thank you all. I've not made another appointment to see my doctor, since just finding out I have CHF. 

As to whats wrong with her, she's diabetic for one, but had a pancreatitus(sp) attack, which caused her small intestine to rupture. And started a laundry list of complications.

That was 7yrs ago, It was a major life changing event for both of us. she was in the hospital for 7months with 3 months of rehab to relearn to walk, and other motor skills and a year at home to recover more physically. (that was more than I meant to let out but there).

As far as taking care of myself, depressed is so not the word for it. I've just found out she's to have yet another surgery! Out patient but still surgery. I've asked for a divorce, to try and enjoy what time I have left, to enjoy life and not have to be a nurse/doctor every night. (she said NO!) please don't leave her.

My over all mental strength is all but gone. I just wanted what everyone else dreams of. A happy family. I've gotten the short end of the stick in this life. I've got to do something for me, to bring me happiness. 

As for my siblings: they've no clue as to how much pain it is to lose your home, car, or job. None of them has ever had to face any kind of hardship, since loosing our home, none of them call me or email. (not even to wish me happy birthday) Am i that bad of a person?!

So basically I'm having to ask my parents for help, and that alone is hard, and beyond humbling.( being told you should have looked for a better job/worked harder, doesn't help either)

I just don't understand why I've been delt this card in life. 
Have I lost Hope, (yes, I can't even find comfort in prayer), Heck I just don't even bother praying/ its all i can do to force myself to get up in the morning. I don't sleep, I look for work, everyday, but in this economy that's laughable.

I have no peace in my life and I just don't know how much more I can take. Most of you have said to find a support group or just explain to her I need to get out to take a break. She already thinks I've have several affairs, (nope, but now thinking about it). wrong(yes) but just don't care anymore. I'm tired/hurt and just want to be happy. 

I do thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I'm not trying to worry anyone, really I'm not.I will try to seek help before i just give up.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You have congestive heart failure?
You have lost your job, your finances are in ruin, lost your home?
All this on top of having a sickly wife?

Take any single event above and most people would go through at least a mild depression. Take any two of the above and most people would go through a more serious depression. Combine ALL of the above and I defy you to show me a person who DIDN'T go through a major depressive episode.

This is going to be long so make yourself comfortable.

1. Understand that depression causes us to perceive all life events in a negative fashion. When a depressed person undergoes further serious life events, they do not have the ability to "think" their way through it. The brain, while depressed, simply doesn't process information correctly. It is possible your family is trying to help but you aren't able to see it due to the depression. It is possible that there is hope but your depression prevents you from being able to feel hope.

-> Get your depression treated ASAP! Meds AND therapy. Ask your family for help. You have so very much on your plate right now you must allow people to come into your life and take care of you to help you get healthy. They may want to have you doing something your not sure will be helpful. You may feel like you are being judged. But for the next month, allow them to guide you through getting yourself healthy. Give them your trust. 

2. You have been handed a very serious dx. This alone would make a person take stock in their life and perhaps lead to life altering decisions. But you are already depressed so your decisions are probably not fully based in reality due to thinking and perception errors depression causes in everyone!

-> Dont make major decisions unless/until your depression is being properly treated = medication for 6-12 weeks combined with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, CBT. This is the most successful kind of therapy for depression.

3. Caregiver burn out. Call in your wife's family or friend or people from church. You must have time each day in which the responsibility and worry belong to someone else. That means during your daily me time, you focus on things that bring your joy, happiness, laughter, lightheartedness. 

-> You must ask for help and the first kind of help is a trusted person who can be relied upon to help you gather more people for help.Think of it as running an organization. The first person on board helps bring in and organize the team. Serious a prolonged health issues require a GROUP support system. You Need This!

4. Your relationship with your wife. Somewhere along the lines your marriage feel apart. Even sick people can show love, care and concern. Even sick people can offer love, support and companionship. Even sick people can do things that support love. Somewhere along the lines, this stopped happening and your relationship became one of strictly caregiver and sick person and your love died.

I mentioned this last because it is the last thing on your list of priorities right now. Although, this was the first thing that happened that set the stage for where you are now. if this hadn't happened, if your marriage had stayed one in which you both felt the love and support of the other, you may not be so lost and adrift right now because you would have an anchor and a lighthouse to guide you and keep your steady.

But your ship is damaged and out to sea with a skeleton crew and a hurricane is brewing! Batton down the hatches and focus on staying above water until you get closer to a port. Flowery imagery meaning, forget the small stuff like job and how you feel your family treats you. Forget, for a while, about the marrital relationship. Focus on getting yourself in a stronger emotional state with a top notch crew of support people and let them do their jobs.

Please post back when you've made an appointment for therapy.


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## eyuop (Apr 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> You have congestive heart failure?
> You have lost your job, your finances are in ruin, lost your home?
> All this on top of having a sickly wife?
> 
> ...


:iagree: This is really good, well-thought-out advice. Print it out and take it one step at a time.


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## lostnalone (Sep 30, 2012)

Just a quick note to you all. I've decided to end my marriage to this women of 19yrs. The constant sickness and drain, has already caused me enough emotional and mental damage. Everyone around me see's how worn down I've become and I just cannot continue down this path. I've lost enough as is, and really don't have the energy anymore to spend in this relationship, nor do I think I will have time to start or want another relationship in this life time. My marriage has left me feeling bitter towards my wife, a few friends and even family. For those of you, that have found it to be rewarding, I wish you continued success, and happiness. I just can't do this anymore. (no, not going to kill myself, just leaving and going to move on wither she agrees to divorce or not, but I'm done here) I've gone as far as I can go with her and all of this. I'm only 45! and feel 90yrs old. Thanks to all of you, and this site. Thank you.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

lostnalone said:


> I do thank you all for the kind words and encouragement. I'm not trying to worry anyone, really I'm not.I will try to seek help before i just give up.


Lifeguards are taught how to defend themselves from those who re drowning, because drowning people will literally take their rescuers under with them. It's not a character defect, it is our inclination to grab onto and hold, whatever there is to hold onto. 

I would encourage you to get help, one, to learn how not to be drug down with your wife, and two, how to keep your own self above water. 

You need to know how to find life and joy again, as you've been deprived (and you've allowed yourself to be) of these for far, far too long. The good news, is that there is help, and they CAN help you get back from the depths to which you've been drug down. It is absolutely essential, because healing is largely influenced by your state of mind. 

Do it. Now. Do. Not. Wait. Another. Day.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Good luck, man. It's a rough journey for you 

One day at a time...take care.


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## Boottothehead (Sep 3, 2013)

I wish you luck. Just make sure you take care of your physical, mental and spiritual needs. You have a lot on your plate, and you will be making a big life change. Remember that there are people who will listen to you IRL and online if you just need to vent.


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## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

I am so sorry dude. I probably deal with 30% of your issues and it takes a beating on the mind. 

I think you are doing the right thing for yourself. Is marriage suppose to be a self sacrifice for the better of a spouse? You only have one life my friend.


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

lostnalone said:


> Just a quick note to you all. I've decided to end my marriage to this women of 19yrs.


19 years!!!! OMG...!! May I ask what are in this laundry list / a catalogue of her illness? What is her diagnosis if you don't mind me asking this? My prayers are with you.


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