# My husband doesnt listen to me or care about me



## melissaro19

I have been married for two years now and i am 22 years old. He is from the farm life and i am from the city so we are different. But his family is really mean to me and always make fun of me becuase i like fashion and i am from the city california area, they are mean to me becuase i am not one of them. I went and visited them a few times and my husband never even acknowledged my pressence, nobody did they completly igonored me to the point where i was crying like everyday and my husband told me i am being a dumb girl. Everytime i would say something everyone completly disagreed with me. That was a few weeks ago and now they are coming to visit us again and he started arguing with me how nobody was mean to me and its all in my head. They make little jabs at me all the time like i am using him for his money or something which is halarious becuase i have a 50 dollar ring on my finger. Im out here going to college and i just feel really alone and i just dont understand why my husband has no sympathy for me. I am a really nice person and normally dont ever cry but he has made me cry so much and then tells me im dumb. I threatened to leave him a few weeks ago and hes like no, ill change but its all lies he still treats me the same and doesnt believe me when people hurt me. Also, he smokes and drinks soo much and i have asked him not to. Its really expensive and he buys a pack a day. I think its disrespectful becuase i quit smoking about a year ago and we were supposed to do it together, he smokes around me all the time and seriously just thinks im being stupid when i ask him why is he doing this. I asked him today why did you smoke a whole pack when i have been asking you to stretch them out and save money, his reply was im a grown man and i do what i want, and told me that i do whatever i want so he does. But that is completly ignorant. I want someone that is going to be nice to me, if im crying be nice to me and do something for me somtime like buy me a flower or buy me a nicer ring. We never even had a wedding i told him and my family i wanted one and they said no, i just feel that nobody cares that much about me. Also, everything that i have a concern about or argue with him about like why are you mean to me and he says becuase your mean to me, and always throws it back on me, or i say hey dont tell me to shut up, he says well hey you told me to shut up last month or something ignorant and immature. I just dont know what to say back to him when he says that stuff
Please help me with some advice i am new to this. Thanks guys.


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## BeccaJ

Hi Melissa,

You have a lot going on. I'm really glad that you're asking for help and looking for ways to repair your marriage and change the pattern the two of you are caught in. 

You're obviously quite important to each other and can easily trigger insecurity in each other - because you are important and all this is new. It's natural that you'd both be feeling insecure about yourself in these new roles and if you're really making it with your partner. 
And, you each have a different way of responding to the insecurity - or relationship threat - not knowing how to pull together. 

A really important thing is for you to figure out ways to pull your husband close when you're afraid he doesn't care or when you're feeling alone, unimportant and need comfort. If he's a normal guy at all, it's very important for him to be making it with you, he's going to want you to be happy with him and his efforts.

It sounds like the ways you've been trying to get through to him ends up shutting him down, pushing him away and then finally results in him pushing you away emotionally. 

The first step is to really try to figure out the pattern, when you aren't caught in it. Between the fights. Then you'll have more power to change the pattern. 

It sounds like you get caught in trying to get through to him and he experiences it as instructing him or perhaps being talked down to, or correcting him and then he responds with in defensiveness. So, you criticize, he defends and you try harder to get through the defense, he defends more - finally attacking back and that shuts you down but you threaten to leave in a final protest. 

An important piece of information about the pattern is to know what the more vulnerable feelings are that create the trigger. Sounds like you feel left out, unattended to, alone and hurt when those tender feelings get bumped into they turn into the questions or criticism. 

The other part is to ask him (again not when you're in a fight), and really listen, how he feels when you are triggered - what's it like for him when you're unhappy, feeling alone or uncared for (and you get triggered). He might not want to open up right away because he may not be sure you'll really want to listen without taking on your old position that you're not cared about. In this way you can practice being emotionally present and rebuild the trust and friendship part of your marriage. 

The ironic thing is, if he really didn't care, he wouldn't need to defend himself against what he experiences as your criticism or you seeing him as not enough or not a 'grown man.'

Those are just some ideas to start. Try those things and see what happens.

You'll also benefit from a couple of posts on my blog, How to Share Hurt Feelings and Send a Clear Signal To Repair.

In love and service,
Becca


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