# Time to Join the Ranks



## penumbra (May 21, 2015)

All,

My wife of 2.5 years, dated 2 years before, just decided to leave me 3 weeks ago (after months of planning). We have a 2 year-old that we both love very much. I'm 36, she's 25. We met in college.

To make things brief, here are the reasons why she left me:

1. I'm a workaholic
2. I've neglected her needs (we've made love to each other maybe 2 to 3 times in the past 2 years) Yes, I know, I'm asking my therapist about this.
3. I've downloaded porn a few times, and she got upset when she found out. I think I may have an addiction problem.
4. We've had terrible arguments where we've both threaten each other to file for divorce (at least I've threatened, she obviously wasn't just threatening).
5. She thinks I'm capable of abusing her and that I'm a danger to her physical and emotional well-being. I've never physically abused her, but I've told her she's stupid and called her an idiot a few times. I've been known to throw and kick things when I am angry/frustrated. 

What I've done since she's left me:

1. seek help from a therapist that her therapist recommended for me. Been to three sessions already. I have money issues, intimacy issues, and I have a short temper.
2. read "divorce remedies," 5 languages of Love, and scoured this board. I'm working on myself and is doing an 180 for my own sake
3. been nothing but nice to her since, but i've done my share of negotiating, convincing, but is currently giving her the space she needs.
4. transferred $20K to her bank account to make sure she's okay financially
5. been great to our son

What I'm seeing now:

1. I'm 99.9% expecting to see the divorce papers come through, although she said she doesn't have time to file yet. I asked her nicely to let me know when she files so I'm not caught by surprise
2. She's not willing to try, since she's refused to see a MC. We are both in IC now.
3. anytime I do something nice and considerate, she gets really upset, or she thinks i'm plotting something. 
4. She keeps telling me to work on myself, and stop begging (which I don't think I was).
5. I told her I wasn't a great husband (due to issues above), so I will do the right thing for once and support her decision to divorce. My therapist told me to stop shouldering so much of the blame, but I do feel like I am at fault and regretful. 
6. Her mother and I are good friends and in constant communication. she wants us to work out.
7. I told my wife that I took down anything relating to "us" on my Facebook page because it'll help me heal and move quicker to her wish to divorce. She did the same thing the next day on her Facebook page. 
8. I don't think there is an OM
9. I believe she has a couple of close friends and her thrapist coaching her and encouraging her to separate and divorce.

What I need your opinions on:

1. do you think my issues are overcome-able with proper therapy?
2. Is it okay i feel anger and resentment? I'm trying to do the right thing
3. why hasn't she filed? She says she's too busy. She's already had a consultation with a lawyer. I already told her I'd support her decision, why is she so upset when I'm nice to her now?
4. she's got in her mind i'm a monster who's is a threat to her life. I don't think I can overcome this
5. Any recommendations given my situation?

Thank you for your help.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

penumbra said:


> All,
> 
> My wife of 2.5 years, dated 2 years before, just decided to leave me 3 weeks ago (after months of planning). We have a 2 year-old that we both love very much. I'm 36, she's 25. We met in college.
> 
> ...


*It greeatly appears that her needs were so severely neglected that she flat just gave up. And your downloading of the porn certainly didn't help matters either!

If this marriage is, in any way, going to be saved, then I'm afraid that MC is going to have to be the order of the day. But I'm fearful that your W will not go there, as she seems to be rather hellbent and determined that she simply wants out of this relationship!

I would highly recommend you getting legal counsel of your own to give you advise in light of these turns of events!*


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## penumbra (May 21, 2015)

Thanks arbitrator, sounds like it is a lost cause for me since I've neglected her for too long. I suppose I was just trying to tell myself that I've seen so much worse, and that she has some blame too, and some people somehow still manage to at least try R.

I agree, I don't think she's in any mindset to even try R. I just wish she'd just get it over with and file for divorce. She'll actually do quite well with a low 6 fig settlement. She'd be able to live a life of luxury for a couple of years. I suppose I should be happy for her for enduring so much neglect from me.

She said she's willing to use a mediator, but I suppose that would still mean I need to seek legal counsel before mediation?

thanks in advance


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

penumbra said:


> Thanks arbitrator, sounds like it is a lost cause for me since I've neglected her for too long. I suppose I was just trying to tell myself that I've seen so much worse, and that she has some blame too, and some people somehow still manage to at least try R.
> 
> I agree, I don't think she's in any mindset to even try R. I just wish she'd just get it over with and file for divorce. She'll actually do quite well with a low 6 fig settlement. She'd be able to live a life of luxury for a couple of years. I suppose I should be happy for her for enduring so much neglect from me.
> 
> ...


You don't HAVE to, but it might be wise. You can divorce without attorneys.

Downloading porn "a few times" and maybe having an addiction are two different things. What number do you consider "a few?" Most people think "3 or 4". 

You definitely need to address the sex thing. Did she try to initiate and you continually rebuffed her? Do you have a sex drive? Are you heterosexual?

Can't say why she has not filed yet. If she pays an attorney a retainer they will do all that for her. Maybe she just doesn't want to write that big check yet.....


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## penumbra (May 21, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> You don't HAVE to, but it might be wise. You can divorce without attorneys.
> 
> Downloading porn "a few times" and maybe having an addiction are two different things. What number do you consider "a few?" Most people think "3 or 4".
> 
> ...


regarding the porn, I would say I watch maybe 2 or 3 a week in the beginning. I've stopped the first time she caught me about 2 years ago, and then she caught me the second time because I googled all those celebrity sex tapes that were leaked. She was looking through my laptop and mentioned it the night before she left me. I couldn't even recall any porn incidents since i stopped, until she said "celebrity" and that's what triggered it. I told her the truth, which was i was curious since my guy coworkers were telling me about it. I don't suppose it matters if the porn I watched were more geared towards couples, and not the really strange/violent/fetish types.

I rebuffed because i was either too tired, or i was harboring resentment for my spouse. she's a kind soul, but she's absent minded/forgetful, which has had financial impacts in the thousands of dollars at times. since i have money issues, i brew on them, and don't feel like being intimate. I'm hetero, and have had high sex drive before marriage. 

she said she's had a consultation a few months ago and that there is a "one year" separation period before one can file for divorce (California). however, i found that to be untrue, so either her consultation attorney is wrong, or she's trying this out? 

I recently found out that she was quite proud to show off to her friends about her moving out, and was happy as a clam the day of the move. 

sigh... I feel so drained just thinking of my mistakes and the terrible journey that we are about to embark on. My poor little 2 year old...


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## penumbra (May 21, 2015)

Oh, I should also mention she's been reading all sorts of books by Marianne Williamson, and listens to her meditation CDs on a daily basis. 

Wife's never been religious, but I did notice she's asked me to pray with her the day she left. While I'm not knocking on spirituality or religion, I wonder if she's "found" herself and wants to dispose of me in favor for her newfound self and direction. 

I listened and read some of Marianne Williamson's book and can see how my wife would want to start a new chapter.

perhaps unrelated, just thought I share some details.


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