# wife in workplace affair



## ChrissyWissy (Apr 4, 2017)

Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
(a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered
(b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens
(c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found
(d) I confront, she downplays, said she's helping him sort his marriage (she does not know I saw Whatsapp conversation, in fact to this day she has no idea what I know), she would never leave me (hmm), apparently workplace relationships never work, she says she has not been to his house
(e) second confrontation a week later, apparently OM is told that I have to be the priority, she justifies hookup by saying "I was depressed at the time" (true, but no excuse of course)
(f) affair has snowballed (limited opportunities, e.g. lunchtime walks, fumbling plus worse in disused work rooms)
(g ) is now physical by definition but apparently not full sex (yet)
(h) would appear OM has no plans (yet) to leave his wife
(i) do I confront again now (presenting of text evidence may seriously backfire with her, also some family court judges may take a dim view of this and deem it illegal) or wait for implosion/affair discovery by others (I can forgive in principle, we have a 7 year old daughter to consider)

thank you in advance


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Gather your evidence first. I recommend a good P.I. who can get pics and intel. At the same time go see a lawyer and draft up a divorce petition. 

Tell the lawyer to hold off serving the petition until you have the stack of evidence to put in front of her. Then when you do, have her served. At the same time she is being served, send out notice to her parents and siblings that you are divorcing her for adultery. This is what like to call "going nuclear".


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Also be sure to list OM on the divorce papers. Make another packet for OM's wife too. Infidelity is an invasion, an act of war, learn your enemy then leave nothing but little pieces.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

1) STOP CONFRONTING. You keep showing your hand. Gather your evidence but keep it to yourself
2) Did your wife 'consider' your daughter when she screwed another man? Make no mistake - she DID screw another man
3) It sucks huge, but your wifes ass needs to be kicked to the curb. Even if she refuses to leave, you should kick her out. That sends her the right message ie that you're not her doormat
4) DO NOT have sex with her, and get STD tested
5) See an attorney and start the D ball rolling.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

The advice depends on what your goal is.

If you want to try to save the marriage, it is vital act as if you don't. Go Nuclear as bandit recommends.

Do you just want to divorce and need the additional evidence for that purpose? 

If the "full sex" point was reached while you gathered evidence, would it make a difference in what you want?


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

The first thing that you need to do is expose the affair to your wife's boyfriend's wife. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE THAT YOU ARE DOING THIS. Do it before confronting her. You have enough to blow it up. IF YOU TELL HER OR CONFRONT HER BEFORE DOING THIS, HER BOYFRIEND WILL KNOW WITHIN 15 MINUTES AND THERE WILL BE THE MAGICAL STORY ABOUT A CO-WORKER'S JEALOUS HUSBAND.

Expose is the Number One tool with blowing up an affair. You need to blow up the affair because your ONLY goal right now is getting out of infidelity. Once you are out if it then you can worry about things such as if you even want to reconcile. Right now, get out of infidelity. It's a form of spousal abuse,


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Did you just post the same question on loveshack?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

You don't have to tell her how you got the evidence. In fact you should never reveal your sources. The important thing is that *you* know.

Don't confront her again until you're satisfied with your evidence. In that regard you have two options; monitor her another week or so with the addition of a VAR and/or PI - if you want to see if you can find the smoking gun (but risk her taking it physical in the mean time) or confront now before she has that chance. 

*If*, after you confront, you are willing to *consider* R; part of her consequences are that she quits her job, stops contact immediately, offers complete transparency with her communication devices, is truthful about everything, accepts exposure and demonstrates genuine remorse. All of those are non-negotiable if she wants a second chance. 

And yes, she *MUST* quit her job unless he does first.

Sorry you're here.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

And stay off LoveShack. 

Only through TAM will you find the true path of redemption. 




😏


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Are you planning on divorce? If so, you need to see what your state's divorce rules are. If you are in a no-fault state then it doesn't matter about the affair or how you know. If you are in an at-fault state then you have to plan differently.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

DO NOT show her any evidence just keep on collecting it and hire a PI to confirm all that you have. Meanwhile start the divorce paperwork so that it's ready to go when you confront. When you have everything you need to PROVE everything, hit her with the divorce papers, tell the OM's wife, tell her family and inform her work's HR dept. that she and the OM have been doing it at work all at the same time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Talk to a lawyer. You say the affair has snowballed? If so, it is just a matter of time before it goes to full sex if not already happened.

I would confront her now. Tell her that you know more than she thinks you know. Tell her that you can no longer trust her and you will give her one chance to avoid divorce. Since they cannot be trusted together, she may have to quit her job if she wants to stay married.

You have to tell OMs wife. I bet she knows nothing and he has been lying to your wife about his marriage.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

ChrissyWissy said:


> Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):


I'm sorry that you're here. You've already received some very good suggestions. I just want to tell you to lose your misguided idea that you were somehow not being ethical to look into your wife's phone while she is involved with another man.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

ChrissyWissy said:


> Hi all, a brief summary of my situation. I would just like some simple pointers as to what my ultimate move should be (am prepared to play the long game if necessary). Some of this info has been accessed from cell phone texts (not exactly ethical I know but my therapist was OK about this, saying it is the lesser of two evils):
> (a) OM confides in my wife about his "unhappy" marriage, tells her he fancies her, she is shocked and then flattered
> (b) she engineers it so that I drop her off at her work Christmas party, the obvious then happens
> (c) obsessive phone behaviour over Christmas and New Year so I look at Whatsapp, long amorous conversation found
> ...


Make sure you have screen shots of all of the texts, whatsapp messages and whatever else. Anytime she comes out without you document it, time left and time home. Ask questions about "how her time out was", pay close attention to details and document, and then have the same conversation a few days later and compare the details. Hide a VAR in her car somewhere she'd never have a chance of finding it, in some cars you they will fit in the headliner above the drivers seat without being seen. Make sure the VAR is downloadable, some aren't.

Once all that is set, research the OM, his home address, Facebook, any activities he's involved in, and his wife. Then do the same research on the wife. Collect all contact info, phone numbers, social media accounts, emails, whatever, for him, his wife, and any organizations he's part of.

Collect all your evidence, and make sure it's solid evidence, somethingthat neither have a chance to deny. When you have everything you need, then confront her but don't tell her what you have. If she lies about or denies anything you know as fact, email all your evidence to the OM's wife, organizations he's part of, post it on their Facebook accounts....drop the bomb. But again, don't tell your wife you're doing it, just do it.

And remember, if her cell phone is on your account, and it's your name on the bill, it's your phone and your wife and it's not illegal to look through it, unethical yes, but not illegal. The same goes for the car, if it's under your name you can put a VAR in it, gps on it, whatever and it's perfectly legal.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Stay quiet and continue to gather evidence. This is your chance to find out what she is really capable of. If she is capable of a full blown affair (likely already happening), wouldn't you want to know.

What if she is in full physical affair already and you confront without fully knowing, then reconcile, you will always question what really happened. This will eat at you for eternity if that happens.

When you know exactly what is happening (maybe it is only a few days or a week from now, maybe longer) then do exposure without telling her in advance.

Have your ducks in a row and be ready to walk, for real, paperwork and lawyer in hand. If you did want to reconcile, this would be the quickest and most direct way to achieve that. Please don't beg, grovel and do the pick me dance. 

I fully agree with blow up the affair, but make sure you know what it really is first, otherwise you might be accepting a story that a far cry from reality.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

This same story was posted on SI today.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

bandit.45 said:


> And stay off LoveShack.
> 
> 
> 
> Only through TAM will you find the true path of redemption.




Can you explain to OP the difference between the two sites?


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Since it's a workplace affair you're going to have to make a tough choice.

For the affair to stop she's going to ultimately have to quit her job (along with a boatload of other requirements) - she cannot be in daily proximity to her affair partner for successful reconciliation.

But if she quits her job and you divorce her, she won't be making any money and you'll most likely have to pay her more support than you otherwise would have.

That's down the road. For now she's in the denial stage and she may never leave it but you want to play the long game so there it is.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

You have already confronted your wife. This tactic has not been effective. She is managing you. I would just tell the other guy's wife. It's not fair you have to deal with this alone. Your have to bust your wifes affair.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

stixx said:


> Since it's a workplace affair you're going to have to make a tough choice.
> 
> For the affair to stop she's going to ultimately have to quit her job (along with a boatload of other requirements) - she cannot be in daily proximity to her affair partner for successful reconciliation.
> 
> ...


CW,

Yup,you're going to have to make a hard choice, and it is going to have to be done quickly. So let's start by getting rid of the bull ****.You are not in a court of law and you already know she is cheating. You have all the screen shots and if you are intelligent enough to write on this forum you have to know if she has not had sex with him yet she sure will shortly.

Now none of us know how this will turn out but what we do know is this. If this has not been consummated yet physically you are going to be kicking yourself in the ass if you sit there gathering proof while she has her boyfriend over while you are at work. Will that make you feel better? You seem to know even when their next opportunity will be.

Since you already have confronted her, and since as pointed out in the above post this is a workplace situation, you better get yourself in the mode to insist on a polygraph unless she can quit her job immediately, which is what the books all recommend. But if you divorce her that will cost you so the polygraph is your only way on getting the truth since she is obviously going to be in full denial. And before the usual nonsense that polygraphs are not reliable starts, the CIA and NSA use them so you better well believe they are more reliable than your wife's words right now.

So the choice is yours. You can tell her you know she is cheating and that you can,t control her but that you are not sharing your wife and you are not staying in a marriage with here people in it. Or you can sit there and try to deal with the mind movies after you let it continue uninterrupted until you get proof by catching them in the act. Your call

Your worst enemy is denial and paralysis.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Yep, go nuclear. And make sure you give her no advance warning. A simultaneous exposure to your families, and the other guys wife is in order. Exposure to their boss might not be best because if she gets fired it might hurt you in the financials of the divorce. 

We have learned that guys like you (us in the past) initially want to reconcile but after time goes by you will realize she is defiled and you won't want her back. You will slowly realize she is not the wife you once loved and your former wife is extinct. Nothing left to do but divorce the cheating doppelganger. 

If you are one of the rare ones and she snaps out of it and becomes truly repentant you can always stop the divorce proceedings if desired, but frankly you are better off to divorce her and then reconcile afterward if she is eligible.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> I just want to tell you to lose your misguided idea that you were somehow not being ethical to look into your wife's phone while she is involved with another man.


Classic nice guy dichotomy:

1) OP feels tremendous guilt about reading some text messages on his wife's phone.

2) Cheating spouse feels ZERO guilt getting plowed repeatedly by some Chad at work.

Never ceases to amaze me......


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> Classic nice guy dichotomy:
> 
> 1) OP feels tremendous guilt about reading some text messages on his wife's phone.
> 
> ...


I think that another factor involved is that the OP is going through a lot of emotional pain and anxiety. I recall that I also lost any critical thinking skills when I going through a high level of emotional pain and anxiety. The OP's situation is worse than mine was.


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## ChrissyWissy (Apr 4, 2017)

Wow guys
what amazing advice and thank you all again. Strangely enough I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed. Just a couple of caveats to what I posted previously (and would not affect the advice offered already). I don't suspect that "she knows that I know" as in our second "conversation" earlier this year she pretty much thought she had convinced me that she had herself nipped it in the bud at an early stage (and her explanation seemed so plausible at the time) and even the next week said we had moved on from all that (and not so much as a sideways/cross-eyed look ever since; haven't women ever heard of "male intuition", or put simply "if it looks like a pig...."). Having been together 26 years (married 20 this August, ironically) we think we can read each other (hahaha). 

When I said "I was depressed" in the original posting I was in fact referring to myself (and not my W). She knew I had been that way for a few years (no job, current job way below my capabilities) and that I had never neglected her in any way (even though I had a couple of cancer scares last Fall, absolutely charming that was not taken into consideration, eh?).

Regarding the lawyer, we may need to proceed slightly differently as, here in the UK, a lot of laws are completely different. For example, it would appear to be the case that some Family Court judges take a very dim view of the interception of emails/texts and may even deem it illegal so I have to be careful (another reason for not divulging my source of evidence to her). I will also be interested to see what he says about PIs as again things are different over here, so much so I would never Google to find one locally, would much rather use recommendations. That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.

Must admit the whole thing is rather sad, but I am presuming that any advice proffered so far by you guys applies the same whether or not I want a divorce (hopefully the threat should be enough on its own after serving). I will stay strong!

Thank you all again


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

ChrissyWissy said:


> That is the sort of evidence I would rather bring to the table.


Although it's nice to bring irrefutable evidence "to the table" don't let yourself get too hung up on having to have it. All you really need is to be able to say to her that you are certain you feel justified in divorce. If she presses for details you only need to say "I dismiss your need for evidence the same way you dismissed my need for a faithful spouse." 

Next, drive hard for a divorce with confidence and determination. This has two benefits: it might be the only thing that will rock her hard enough to encourage a true reconciliation. Second, if you later decide you really want to rid yourself of her it enables you to emerge with as much dignity as you can salvage, which in turn helps you to heal and get on with your life.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

ChrissyWissy said:


> Wow guys
> what amazing advice and thank you all again. Strangely enough I am seeing a lawyer a week next Tuesday (the earliest I could get) so I can certainly get that side of the "strategy" nailed. Just a couple of caveats to what I posted previously (and would not affect the advice offered already). I don't suspect that "she knows that I know" as in our second "conversation" earlier this year she pretty much thought she had convinced me that she had herself nipped it in the bud at an early stage (and her explanation seemed so plausible at the time) and even the next week said we had moved on from all that (and not so much as a sideways/cross-eyed look ever since; haven't women ever heard of "male intuition", or put simply "if it looks like a pig...."). Having been together 26 years (married 20 this August, ironically) we think we can read each other (hahaha).
> 
> When I said "I was depressed" in the original posting I was in fact referring to myself (and not my W). She knew I had been that way for a few years (no job, current job way below my capabilities) and that I had never neglected her in any way (even though I had a couple of cancer scares last Fall, absolutely charming that was not taken into consideration, eh?).
> ...


This exact reply was posted on the SI site also today. Is it normal for a poster to keep identical threads on 2 different sites at the same time?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stillthinking said:


> This exact reply was posted on the SI site also today. Is it normal for a poster to keep identical threads on 2 different sites at the same time?


Some people post their situation on more than one site. It's a way to get more input.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> CW,
> 
> Yup,you're going to have to make a hard choice, and it is going to have to be done quickly. So let's start by getting rid of the bull ****.You are not in a court of law and you already know she is cheating. You have all the screen shots and if you are intelligent enough to write on this forum you have to know if she has not had sex with him yet she sure will shortly.
> 
> ...


QFT

What do you want to happen? Are you hell bent on divorce? Not sure?

If your answer is anything but hell bent on divorce, then you need to act.

Expose Expose Expose

Starting with OM's wife.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> QFT
> 
> What do you want to happen? Are you hell bent on divorce? Not sure?
> 
> ...


I agree that the OP has to know what he wants. In the end SHE will have to make the choice. Thus the choice of tactics should be made to push her in the direction he wants her to chose.

The ultimate push is filing for divorce. That puts the choice right out there.

However, some caveats: if he widely exposes that will make reconciliation more difficult because he will have made her life more difficult. It is a choice to be saved when other things fail. I do however think that exposure to the OM's wife might be a good idea. Just understand that the OM will know what he did very quickly and so his wife will also know what he did very quickly. On the whole that might be a good thing.

If he has a good friend who is calm and trustable, it might be a good thing to tell him what is going on. That way he will have someone to talk to for advice. Why? Because his ability to judge the effect of some action you might make is currently compromised.

OP, I'm sorry you are in this situation and hope that it works out the way you want.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

All the electronic stuff does is get you ahead of the cheater to catch it by conventional means. A PI following around for a week is MUCH more expensive than a PI all set up at place X at 9PM on a Saturday night.

IIRC in UK cheating only grants a faster divorce.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Challenge is... Expose in the next few days or 2 weeks from now.

Prep your exposure materials and targets now, rather then when your emotions are scattered on upcoming D day. So that minutes after you talk to her. The emails and Facebook post or messages are going out. If the goal is for reconciliation... Expose to both your & her parents and closest friends who are friends of the marriage. Expose to their employer and OMs wife. Cheaters are liars... He could be playing your wife the sympathy angle. "My wife ignores my needs" which is a common tactic. 

This will get bad really quick.

It's April and she already lied to you about Christmas party... So did they kiss or oral sex? Of course the OM and your WW can do a quickie in an empty room at work in 5-10mins. Enhances the thrill. Even non cheating co-workers have sex at work all the time.

A recommended evidence gathering way to do things when it comes to the cheaters phone. Don't just screenshot it and xfer it off the phone (this may leave a trail) but to use your phone to take photos of the conversations / evidence. Make sure some of the photos and or videos shows the cheaters phone itself. Yep dear, that's your phone with your case with my hand holding it in the photos.

When that day comes for you to have that serious talk. Have the kids out of the house. Have a VAR or your phone or other devices recording the conversation... This will not only give you more evidence, but gives you a recording of everything that was said. Because your emotions will be wonky, you may remember some things wrong or not at all or miss an important detail she said. Get a Sony VAR that has a USB port.

You don't tell divorce off the bat. But you threaten divorce if you don't get the full truth. That key phrase to ask is "...And what else...?". As long as you know she isn't telling you what you already know... Keep asking so she is spooked to tell you this you things you don't.

3+ months... Likelyhood of sexual intercourse is very high. What was the time frame between flattered to kiss? A week? A month? Pretty much any woman who gave me a BJ also shared the rest of her. They don't have to say that particular thing in texts since they also see, talk and have sex at work daily.

If she breaks down and admit all the info and you still wish to reconsiliation... You should have your requirements ready to go. Marriage counseling. Books on infidelity. She admits her actions to her own parents and siblings. (So she doesn't lie about why there are problems) , STD tests. Maybe a DNA test (for psychological? effect even if you know you're the dad) no contact. She transferres or quits her job.

You still expose to OM's wife.

If she doesn't want to stop the affair. Expose to her job and her family. Serve her papers.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@stillthinking it is a bit of a red flag. 

Chris, 

Much of the advise will be the same regardless of the forum. But this site is the only one you can post links to other sites no hold bars such as: 

Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

To list just a few. Read the last link. It is about exposure and why and how it should be done.


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