# Husband isnt attracted to me



## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

I've been married for 4 years now. I found out my husband was unfaithful all of our marriage. We worked things out and we are back together again and things have been going good so far. But our sex life needs help. He isn't attracted to me like he used to be. He says that I'm not fit like I used to be after I had my two boys. I think I look great. Even better than wat I looked when I married him. Maybe my body is not that fit but I don't weigh more than 135lbs. I think im beautiful and i know he knows it it too but why doesnt he think im attractive or desirable anymore?I think he is try to put blame on me for his lack of satisfaction towards me. I think it's him and not me. How can I fix this. How can I have me see me attractive again bc I honestly don't think it's me physically.
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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Damn...this is a tough one..
Personally I think 135 lbs is near perfect weight for women of almost any height..my wife is 5 foot 1 and weights 170lbs..she is very pretty..and often looks very sexy and hot..but still I dont like her weight because she gets insecure about it and doesnt want to go on top because she thinks she will crush me...but 135..damn..that is sexy..just the right curves at that weight..

Now I havent seen you..but with that kind of weight..just keep stayin in shape..make sure to put on some make up and dress sexy for him..make yourself available to him and even initiate (by being the aggressor) at least as often as he is initiating..if not more often...if he still isnt into you its his loss..because that is all you need to do...(intimacy wise)...

My two cents..


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Are you in MC? Lack of attraction is usually something else. Some left over anger or something. Cheating on you the entire marriage and then after thats gone not being attracted to you is messed up. I think your H has something weird going on in his head.


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## marriedguy (Nov 7, 2009)

Yeah I gotta agree with anx aswell..if he was cheating on you theres all kinds of memories in his head..even if you guys worked it out..if intimacy aint happening theres a very good chance that his affairs could have something to do with it still..


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Well it sounds rather shallow to me and not like he returned to the marriage because he loved you enough to commit to it. Didn't he know what you looked like when he agreed to come back to the marriage? Sounds to me like setting the foundation for yet another affair which he will justify by saying "Well, you don't take care of yourself anymore".


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I agree with BigToe I don't think this is you. The cheating is a big clue. By blaming this on you he will feel justified in his actions.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

You hit the nail on the head already - he is blaming you for his infidelity. If your husband cheated for the entirety of your 4 year marriage, what has he done to earn back your love and trust? What personal work has he done to recognize and fix the problems HE has that led him to cheat? Unless he addresses the core of why he cheated, he is bound to repeat the behavior again.

I suspect your husband has unhealthy attitudes about marriage and relationships. People who fear intimacy often cheat and often create excuses to keep distance in the marriage - including saying they are not attracted to you and witholding sex in the marriage.

If you are not grossly overweight and are taking care of yourself, his lack of attraction to you (if indeed he isn't) is HIS problem, not yours. 

I would recommend that he get therapy from a psychologist who can help him address his issues. He is blaming you for his own problems. 

I would also recommend therapy for yourself so you can get support during this difficult time. If your husband doesn't wise up, I don't think your marriage will last.


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

Ya honestly my husband is a douche bag. That's what it sounds like coming from me and total strangers. He hasn't put effort in changing nor does he want to. See the reason why we both didn't give up on eachother is bc we have two kids under two. I go to therapy for my self and we recently started going to a couples counselor. He went to a therapist a couple times after I begged him to go. Now he refuses to go bc he says " he's happy". We get along pretty good and things are fine besides the big sex issue and that he can't get it up for me sometimes or he isn't intrested. I no there isn't anything wrong with him bc porn and touching him self are no problem. He doesn't seem to care to fix our problems like I do. He just leaves it alone. But they are serious problems that shouldn't be avoided and I'm scared if it stays like this he will be tempted to cheat again. Wat is his problem. I want to be happy all around with him but I don't think he wants to be all around happy with me so he is just settling for so so relationship. Any more advice with wat I should do with that????
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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

You can't force somebody to "want" you. My sense is that he's happy where he is because he is at home with his kids and feels that he can have another affair anytime he wants without major repercussions. You took him back after he cheated on you throughout your relatively young marriage, PLUS you want him sexually. If I could read his thoughts I'm guessing I'd hear something like "I can do whatever the hell I want."

Though you'll be sacrificing your own sex life, I'd try giving up on him sexually as well and see what happens.


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

That's wat I'm gonna do is give up. the next time he wants to initiate it I'm keep rejecting him over and over again. 
See how he feels after that. I'm just very sad and emotional and soo depressed to wat he did to our marriage.
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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

No don't play games. 
Either have a direct talk, or else go to MC and find out what is wrong between you two. 
Uncover and fix that, and he will be attracted to you.
Don't address those deeper issues, and it won't happen.
He doesn't want to. if you shut down, he will go out and find another, again - if he's not already doing so (which I'd bet he is; very few men would voluntarily go without sex unless he were getting it elsewhere)


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I've never seen you but you're gorgeous. Every woman is when viewed through the eyes of her lover. Your husband is unhappy with himself and is, therefore, unable in his present condition to truly love anyone. Love isn't selfish. It doesn't lie or cheat. It puts the needs of the partner first. Adultary is the ultimate selfish act.
Go to the park or a mall and watch the couples. They come in all shapes and sizes. True love doesn't end when someone gains a few pounds or sprouts a few gray hairs or comes home from the war missing a leg or an arm. It looks at a wrinkled 90 year old face and sees a beautiful bride. 
Physical unattractiveness, where it does exist, can be fixed. Empty, unattractive spirits and cruel, immoral characters are much harder to repair. I believe people who focus primarly on external features are among the blindest. I'm a guy and I do enjoy seeing a beautiful woman, but if I just looked at the outside, I'd miss 95% of her beauty. Inner beauty is, by far, the most important and the most durable.


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

Loser- I don't wanna play games but I'm tired of being not wanted, not loved right. I'm gonna see wat the marriage counsler says. Unbelievable- that's the nicest thing u can say. And I agree with u on everything u wrote. I do look at every couple I see and compare my self and say "why can't I be like that?" I just don't understand why my husband doesn't think like that but than again maybe its bc he doesn't have real love for me like he should. I think and I know I deserve real love esc. Wat he put me thru our whole marriage. How can I get him to see me like that again and appreciate me?
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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> I've never seen you but you're gorgeous. Every woman is when viewed through the eyes of her lover. Your husband is unhappy with himself and is, therefore, unable in his present condition to truly love anyone. Love isn't selfish. It doesn't lie or cheat. It puts the needs of the partner first. Adultary is the ultimate selfish act.
> Go to the park or a mall and watch the couples. They come in all shapes and sizes. True love doesn't end when someone gains a few pounds or sprouts a few gray hairs or comes home from the war missing a leg or an arm. It looks at a wrinkled 90 year old face and sees a beautiful bride.
> Physical unattractiveness, where it does exist, can be fixed. Empty, unattractive spirits and cruel, immoral characters are much harder to repair. I believe people who focus primarly on external features are among the blindest. I'm a guy and I do enjoy seeing a beautiful woman, but if I just looked at the outside, I'd miss 95% of her beauty. Inner beauty is, by far, the most important and the most durable.


:iagree::iagree: You made me tear up when I read this. I think one of the most beautiful women was/is Mother Theresa.


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## sinkingfeeling (May 20, 2011)

questionmarkwife - bless you. Feel for you. Am in pretty much the same boat. Husband was sexting so obviously still got urges. Just never with me. Whoever said weight and external beauty has nothing to do with it is right. I'm about 125 pounds, exercise every day and am happy with how my figure has gone back to pre-birth size but still can't him interested even though he says he is and there isn't a problem. He will usually respond but never ever ever initiates. 

It's such a massive blow to self-esteem and trust because you hear all these things about men thinking about *** every 7 mins and then you look at your relationship and go "WTF?".


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## questionmarkwife (Mar 22, 2011)

sinkingfeeling- patience is key in a relationship. And I'm sick of being patient. But this is wat I have to do if I still wanna be in the relationship. I was watching tv with H and a commercial came up about low testosterone. they asked a few symptom question on tv and my H answered yes to all of the questions but one. I went to the site and everything sounded like him. So I asked him to go get checked and he didn't want to. Men think it will lower their self esteem- like why should that it might be something wrong with them. Yesterday I asked him to tell me wats wrong with our sex life? And I told him I don't wanna tell u wats wrong I wanna hear it from u bc u know my concerns, and u always have. I no this will lower the pressure on him too that I'm not complaining like I so called always do. So he agreed to go get checked from the doc bc he says he agrees he has a low sex drive and it doesn't help that he isn't attracted to me. So I hope the doc can help us. Maybe it can also help u too. Look up low testosterone and check symptoms out. I think the site I went on was- isitlowt.com
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