# Scared to pull the trigger



## Jnj1008 (May 12, 2020)

I have been married for 15 years. My H and I have two children, ages 12 and 10. Looking back, I don’t recall ever being head over heels in love with him, though I was happy for the most part. Over the years we’ve had our share of arguments but I still felt like our marriage was pretty good. About 5 years ago is when I really remember telling my H that his outbursts were not normal and he had anger issues. He has never really owned up to his faults but over the years the kids see it too. Our daughter has said she wishes we’d get divorced because dad gets mad too much. He doesn’t throw things but he does get loud and he has grabbed my face a couple of times (once in front of the kids). Last year he started talking divorce. He would say a lot of things just to get a reaction from me. Things like this isn’t going to work, I’m having you followed, etc. He’s in law enforcement so he’s always said he knows how to work the system and would take the kids from me (I’ve always stood firm that good parents should get 50/50). He’ll break down occasionally and tell me he loves me and wants us to be happy but we end up in the same rut again. Last fall I met with my dr as I was having some anxiety issues. He prescribed me a very lose dose anxiety medication and my H got so mad that I never stared taking it. He said I should not need a pill to make me happy. From that point on I slowly checked out of the marriage and became emotionally distant. I feel like I have been sitting on a fence literally afraid to make one move or another in terms of divorce. Finally over the weekend I decided to try and start living my life again and finding things that we can enjoy as a couple. He has asked me to communicate with him so I started a conversation about how I was battling a bit of depression and while he did not have to understand it he did need to accept it. I was expecting to get some comfort or reinsurance but instead I got badgered. He says that he does not understand depression and that I should not go on medicine to mask a problem. I made the comment that this is why I do not open up to him and that I will not talk to him about it again. He grabbed me by the back of my neck and got in my ear and said he will talk to me about it because I’m your husband. During that same conversation he told me that he is empty inside, that I do not make him happy and he wants me to leave. While I know that most of that is just to get a reaction from me, I feel in my heart that there is no rectifying our marriage. However, I am scared to death to pull the trigger. I already have divorce papers drawn up all I have to do is sign them. My husband and I both have good jobs and can support ourselves and our children. My parents are already aware of what I am contemplating and the kids and I can stay there until I get my own place. In the divorce papers I have been as fair as I know how to be. So I’m not sure exactly what I’m so afraid of. Of course I worry about how it will affect our kids. I also am a bit sore over the fact that we have worked hard to get where we are today. We have a house that will be paid for in less than 10 years and do not have a lot of debt. The thought of going backwards frightens me and makes me a little mad to be honest. But I know that is not the big picture. I am 42 years old and Hopefully still have a lot of years ahead. Can anyone offer any advice or has anyone been in a situation similar to this and what did you do?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You should check my post "So, you staying for the kids...." - we just told our kids about divorce. There was no cries, they were grinning. Got very excited about looking for new houses, and decorating two rooms.They expected this conversation for years, and weren't surprised at all.

if you almost paid up your house - if you sell it, you will get cash back, that you can split for downpayments for two separate houses. You won't be going backwards much. 

Your husband is downright abusive.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You have an abusive husband. Divorce is a consideration.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You fear the unknown. That’s normal.

I stayed in a very long marriage with a cheater because I didn’t want to break up my family and also — looking back — because I feared the unknown (“better the devil you know“, etc.). I wasted decades that I can’t get back.

Children absorb the tension and disharmony in their home. They know from an early age when things aren’t right. And they often grow up to repeat it. That’s something you really don’t want to happen.


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## Jnj1008 (May 12, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> You should check my post "So, you staying for the kids...." - we just told our kids about divorce. There was no cries, they were grinning. Got very excited about looking for new houses, and decorating two rooms.They expected this conversation for years, and weren't surprised at all.
> 
> if you almost paid up your house - if you sell it, you will get cash back, that you can split for downpayments for two separate houses. You won't be going backwards much.
> 
> Your husband is downright abusive.


I’m still learning to navigate this site so I can’t seem to find the post you mentioned, but would love to read it!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Jnj1008 said:


> I’m still learning to navigate this site so I can’t seem to find the post you mentioned, but would love to read it!


Your H is a LEO? Does he not speak with any counselors? Let me guess, your H has no underlying issues spurned on by his career that manifest at home . Are you permitted to speak with any of the LEO afforded counselors as you are his W? The physical grabbing of you is concerning. Are you scared at what you H might do when served D papers?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Jnj1008 said:


> I’m still learning to navigate this site so I can’t seem to find the post you mentioned, but would love to read it!











So, you think you should stay for the kids?....


Think again.... Yesterday we told our kids (12 and 15) that we are “considering divorce” (it’s actually decided). Expected some sad faces... instead, our girls had grins on their faces, like they were thinking “I knew it!....”. We assured them that it’s not their fault and that we want to find...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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