# Afraid of Making a Mistake



## AlaCarte11 (Oct 1, 2011)

My fiance and I got engaged fairly recently, after knowing each other for nearly 2 years. In many ways we are highly compatible, and the chemistry is strong between us. The problem started back in May, when we had been together for nearly a year. My fiance belongs to FB. An ex-girlfriend found him and initiated contact. And then she planned a reunion. She was apparently part of an old "gang" that he had very fond memories of. He invited me to attend and I did. We had a fairly good time, even though it was rather weird to meet not one, but two ex girlfriends, both married. So we attended, and I thought that would be the end of it. But my fiance volunteered to scan a huge box of photographs of the old gang, which belonged to the ex girlfriend who hosted the party. So, for a whole year, most of his spare time was devoted to scanning these pictures. We had been working on several projects together, and these got placed on hold. After six months, I was getting heartily sick of hearing stories about these people. Then he talked about hand delivering these pictures. I had not felt good vibes from this ex-girlfriend. I did not feel comfortable with the thought that he wanted to go down there alone. But I said nothing. Anyway, he ended up not going; after all, it is a good two hour hike from here. Then they held another reunion this year. The ex girlfriend was there, and openly flirted with my fiance, kept monopolizing his time, etc. She ignored me when we first arrived, and barely was friendly. I got really pissed off, and wondered why he was allowing this. When we got home, we had it out. All he did was defend her. I nearly threw him out. He kept insisting that I was jealous and that she had not been inappropriate. I cried myself sick. We finally got through that, but he still talks to her on FB. Offering her advise on computer issues, etc. Worse, he wants to move down that way after we are married. I am sick of seeing her stupid face on FB, and I am sick of this long distance "friendship." Even though he knows how I feel, he keeps in touch. I am beginning to lose interest in marriage. This really hurts, because I have loved this man better than any other man I've known. He can't seem to get his priorities straight. I have scheduled counseling for us, and he is willing to go, but I fear it is too late.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

If you are even posting here, asking the question that you did, then you know the answer.

Do NOT marry this man.


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## AlaCarte11 (Oct 1, 2011)

DanF said:


> If you are even posting here, asking the question that you did, then you know the answer.
> 
> Do NOT marry this man.


Actually, I do not know the answer. I was hoping for constructive feedback from others, before making a decision. Still hoping.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You cannot control the women. They will do what they do. However, your fiance should put them in their place. Something along the lines of, "I'm getting married soon and while I appreciate these old memories, etc, I am not looking for anything more." If they continue to step over that boundary (flirting, etc) then he needs to get rid of those ties. If he doesn't, well...I wouldn't marry him. However, he is including you, so that is a good thing.

My husband's group of friends consisted of an ex...I hated it. Luckily she moved on...

An ex from my late teens contacted me over Christmas. He recently got married and found a TON Of pics of us from that time when he moved in with his wife...of me especially. 

I think he's the only person who has pics of me from ages 18 to 21  It was fun to see them. However, we haven't spoken since...it never went anywhere other than, "Hey! I found these pics and wanted to show you! LOL!" I wouldn't have started a FB relationship with him, nor he me.

Regarding his ex that was rude to you and ignored you--- Women are catty beyotches. lol. I trust no woman (besides a very select few). Any woman who openly flirts with a taken man is not to be trusted. Watch her closely. Men don't see it...they don't get it. open your fiance's eyes.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Bottom line is to ask yourself, regardless of if you are righter wrong: does he respect how you feel? He doesn't have to agree with how you feel, but does he listen to you and treat you like your feelings are important?

Because he should. That's a sign of respect and love. 

It sounds like he is getting lots of nice attention from her, and who doesn't love someone fawning over them? That's a normal human response. The difference is how he respects how it makes you feel. If he is dismissive and belittling of it, then that's not ok, not loving or respectful, but btw, it needs to go both ways with you respecting how he feels too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

shaggy said:


> bottom line is to ask yourself, regardless of if you are righter wrong: *does he respect how you feel? He doesn't have to agree with how you feel, but does he listen to you and treat you like your feelings are important?
> 
> *because he should. That's a sign of respect and love.


bingo!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

AlaCarte11 said:


> Actually, I do not know the answer. I was hoping for constructive feedback from others, before making a decision. Still hoping.


You actually "know" the answer, you just don't like it.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

I have a male friend that I have known for 10 years. He's had lots of serious girlfriends. His current one, however, does not like him to any female friends. I'm married, what's the big deal? Those two fought about this for awhile, I stopped contacting him the second he said his gf was causing a stir about it. After awhile, she calmed down and I still talk to this friend only once in awhile. And never ever on FB. And always when she is home. 

To some people, it is an issue. And he should make an effort to stop talking to her. Because it upsets you.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

conrad said:


> you actually "know" the answer, you just don't like it.


bingo!!!!!!


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

OK - 'saying nothing' and 'having it out' are not constructive. If he's still willing, go to counselling.

I went through something very similar with my H (then BF). I was able through talking openly and counselling to get him to see that this was not OK with me. Not everyone is comfortable dealing with exes, especially the ones who blatantly flirt right in front of the GF/W!

I don't care if this makes me seem jealous and insecure. I'd feel a lot more jealous and insecure if he was still in contact with her, that's for sure.


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## AlaCarte11 (Oct 1, 2011)

Thank you all for your responses. We have made progress since my last post. One thing I have noticed about posting on forums about relationship issues, is that in the heat of the moment, all the good things are not mentioned, only the bad. My guy is sensitive, funny, gentle and kind. He has also been clueless about this woman. Last Sunday we sat down and talked about it again. This time, he saw the light. Especially when I pointed out that he himself told me a story about this same woman, in which she had caused a break up with the girl he was seeing back in his early 20's. Again, he had been clueless as to her behavior, and kept saying that he didn't think she was doing anything wrong. So the girl he was seeing broke up with him. I asked him if he wanted to have this happen again, over the same woman? 

He most definitely does not. He has blocked her on FB and we are still going to see a counselor. And, even though he didn't detect what was wrong with her behavior, he is willing to treat her quite differently the next time we attend a function including her. Because he has learned a valuable lesson here; to attend to my emotional needs, even if it doesn't make sense to him.


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## symphonious (Sep 27, 2011)

I'm glad that you guys talked it out and he 'saw the light'.

My husband prefers to have female friends over male friends (he says he gets along with girls better), and it's always a hard road because these girls see that he's taken, think I look dumpy, and immediately want to move in and take him (I've seen their behaviour, it's horribly blatant)... and he just doesn't get it.

LOL.

So, I mean, while he isn't really cool with not being friends with girls, he keeps them very light and generally he's just friends with the girls he works with at Walmart (lol i know right)... but he doesn't pursue doing anything with them socially because he knows it would upset me.

Good luck.


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## AlaCarte11 (Oct 1, 2011)

symphonious said:


> I'm glad that you guys talked it out and he 'saw the light'.
> 
> My husband prefers to have female friends over male friends (he says he gets along with girls better), and it's always a hard road because these girls see that he's taken, think I look dumpy, and immediately want to move in and take him (I've seen their behaviour, it's horribly blatant)... and he just doesn't get it.
> 
> ...


My guy is like that! He gets along far better with women, so they warm up to him because they are comfortable talking to him. It is quite annoying when they think they can hit on him while I am standing right there!


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