# Little sex, little passion, I confused and angry



## ballygirl1971 (Nov 20, 2012)

Its almost been three years since I discovered my husbands affair. He had a mid-life crisis mental break, a drinking problem and we were really disconnected due to lack of communication and his verbal abusive ways. I forgave him right away but his affair continued for a few more months until I kicked him out and had him committed to a hospital ( he was diagnosed bipolar 2). I took him back again two weeks later for the sake of our two sons and because I didnt want to throw away 20 years of marriage. Fast forward to now. We've been in marriage counseling for a year and a half now (we go every two weeks). My problem now and has been is the lack of sex and passion in our relationship. Seems like he's just not that into me like he used to be. I bring this up in therapy quite a bit. We may have sex once a week or not. Hes always tired or its never the right time because one of the boys are home (they got some excuse. Im getting tired of living with a roommate & not a lover. Im 43 and in great shape. Im pretty nice looking too. He has complained in the past that Im too skinny but its because of the stress of his affair that I lost 20lbs and have kept it off. Im 5 feet and 128 lbs, muscular. Did he lose something for me with the affair? Im losing the passion for working on our marriage because of this. No passion, no intimacy, no sex. Why am I still here?


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

He continued in the affair even after you found out? Hmm...Not a good sign to begin with. So he's bipolar and he drinks....Bad combination there IMO. Is he still drinking? Does he even avoid sex with you when he's manic? The reason I ask is because I've been around folks w/ bipolar and they can be the "life of the party" when in their manic phase...meaning they're often in a great mood when manic.


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## ballygirl1971 (Nov 20, 2012)

no he doesnt drink anymore. Been sober for two years. No manic episodes anymore. Mostly gets depressed. He has back issues too. Both interfere with his sex drive. We also have teenager stress but that doesnt bother me as much as the lack of intimacy since the affair. I know hes faithful now but I just think somewhere along the way he lost his passion for me, for us. Ive always had to tell him to fight for our marriage as much as I am. I dont feel like I shouldve been fighting harder then him. He is the one who cheated and had the nerve to blame MY lack of intimacy and sex. Well if he hadnt been so verbally, and mentally abusive for so many years we would never gotten to that point. Now im super attentive to try and meets his needs but he isnt meeting mine.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ballygirl1971 said:


> ..my husbands affair. He had a mid-life crisis mental break, a drinking problem and lack of communication and his verbal abusive ways.
> 
> ...I kicked him out and had him committed to a hospital ( he was diagnosed bipolar 2). I took him back again two weeks later for the sake of our two sons and because I didnt want to throw away 20 years of marriage....
> 
> ...





ballygirl1971 said:


> no he doesnt drink anymore. Been sober for two years. No manic episodes anymore. Mostly *gets depressed*. He *has back issues *too. Both interfere with his sex drive.
> 
> ...Ive always had to tell him to fight for our marriage as much as I am. *I dont feel like I shouldve been fighting harder then him. He is the one who cheated and had the nerve to blame MY lack of intimacy and sex. Well if he hadnt been so verbally, and mentally abusive for so many years we would never gotten to that point.* Now im super attentive to try and meets his needs but he isnt meeting mine.


First off tell your therapist, that it is time to try someone else and ask for a referal to a really good sex therapist.

Second, if you are 43 I will assume that your husband is at least that old. My suggestion is to have him go to a really good doctor and get a complete physcial with all the blood tests including T-levels, glucose levels, lipids, etc. I would tell him that you love him and want him to be alive and around in your retirement years, so he needs to start getting periodic physicals.

Third, based on your posts, you have not yet totally forgiven your husband. I am amazed that your therpist hasn't worked on this with you. Your husband probably knows this on some level. Do some introspection and imagine have sex with someone that you know hasn't forgiven you.....it could be a major libido killer. Depression is also a real libido killer. Finally a bad back, could make him feel old and over the hill, which in turn could be a libido killer for him. These are things that he needs to address either medically or via therapy. They are not totally your problem. Exercise would likely help him deal with a lot of his personal problems.

Find a good sex therapist to address both your (as a couple) marriage problems and your (as a couple) sex problems.

Good luck.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> Second, if you are 43 I will assume that your husband is at least that old. My suggestion is to have him go to a really good doctor and get a complete physcial with all the blood tests including T-levels, glucose levels, lipids, etc. I would tell him that you love him and want him to be alive and around in your retirement years, so he needs to start getting periodic physicals.


Agreed. Additionally, you sound as if you're fit...is he? A regular exercise regimen can work wonders on one's libido. Does he exercise at all?


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