# TAM in real life



## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

A few weeks ago I went to a party. A lot of the issues brought up on TAM were talked about. One issue that had a lot of discussion was about married women with opposite sex friends. Of course most of the ladies said it's possible and throughout the discussion you could tell that they were struggling against what they percieved was a man trying to control them. All the married men said that it wasn't something that they think should be happening. I think we see those two positions play out every day on here. The position that I found most interesting was the position held by the single men in the room. They all said that opposite sex friends with married women were possible and shouldn't be discouraged. I laughed at that and asked the ladies who are you going to believe the guy that's been out the game for twelve years or the guy that would bed each one of you if given a chance? A lot of other discussions took place but this one stuck out.


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## Triumph (Oct 8, 2011)

Was the conversation ever turned around? Are married guys allowed to have female friends?

:yay: Im going to find me some single girls to befriend!!!!


its biologically natural for married guys to want to protect their property, err, child rearing factory, err, loving wives. Yeah, protect their loving wives from other men's seed.

Single Men are... Well they are the other guy's seed.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

I'm not surprised that you would have a polarized set of opinions at a party. A lot of neighborhoods or groups of friends seem to collect people with similar outlooks on life. I live in a neighborhood with a lot of SAHM and that is true here but when I go to a party on the Hill with lots of professionals the opinions are different. Likewise my hobbies connect me with a lot of singles where the viewpoint is different yet again.

TAM cuts accross a lot of social backgrounds but most of us are here because we are working on our marriages in some way. This stilts our point of views as well. The people who come to often have major issues they are working on and it's safe to assume the worst with a collection of red flags. 

So what you are seeing is really a normal social polarization. The singles haven't had as much experience with it and are more inclusive, the wives haven't been targets yet so they feel husbands are being controlling, and in TAM nobody can have innocent intentions its all about the sex.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TAM isn't "real" life?

I want Brad Pitt to play me in the movie


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Almostrecovered said:


> TAM isn't "real" life?
> 
> I want Brad Pitt to play me in the movie












The first rule of TAM is, you don't talk about TAM.....


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Amplexor said:


> The first rule of TAM is, you don't talk about TAM.....


:rofl:

I have one very good male friend that I've been friends with for years. I have male friends that come and go and it makes no difference to me, I am not attached. But I've known them since HS, and we never dated.

I would give up my close male friend if my husband said he was uncomfortable. But my friend is a therapist so he comes in handy LOLLL We don't hang out in person (he is in NY with his fiance at the moment) and we usually just chat for a few minutes a week online. 

I see both sides of the coin with opposite sex friends. The other night, a male friend called me because he's intimidated by a woman he's dating LOL It was a ridiculous conversation that I cut short, and the whole time, my husband was right there--- adding advice.

I think if things are hidden, it's a problem.

I think if the friendship starts to take priority, it's a problem.

I think if you share things with the friend that you don't share with your spouse, it's a problem.

I don't talk about my marriage to my male friends. They talk to me about their gfs....I will not talk to married men alone. No matter what.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

that_girl said:


> :rofl:
> 
> I see both sides of the coin with opposite sex friends. The other night, a male friend called me because he's intimidated by a woman he's dating LOL It was a ridiculous conversation that I cut short, and the whole time, my husband was right there--- adding advice.
> 
> ...


This is a good set of boundaries. In addition both spouses need to agree on what these boundaries are and what is and is not good to talk about. Then there needs to be transparency so that if things get out of hand it's noticed by the spouse. 

The real risk is that the friendship becomes so rewarding that it triggers dopamine and other neural transmitters that you become addicted to. Then you begin escalating contact and intimacy sometimes without even realizing it. This is often easier for a spouse to see then the people involved. One should step back every so often and takes a real look at ones actions to verify that they really are not going beyond the friendship level. If you are not able to be honest with yourself then oposite sex friends are not a good idea.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Amp...too funny!

In the TAM movie I want to be played by Rosie O'Donnel to really drive home my hard nosed views.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

I want to be played by the drill seargent in this video:

GEICO - Sarge - YouTube


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Amp...too funny!
> 
> In the TAM movie I want to be played by Rosie O'Donnel to really drive home my hard nosed views.


She's really convincing.


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## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

I'll thrown in my 2 cents worth. It always seems to come back to the strength of the marriage, openness, and situations. I guess if my marriage were strong and healthy, I don't suppose I would have any issue with my wife having men friends. However, I would hope that she would include me in that friendship and that I would get to know him as well and even make a good friend. I would also hope the opposite would be true. And I don't think whether that friend is married makes much of a difference (maybe some but not completely). I am assuming here that if the marriage is strong and healthy, that the wife or husband would have the desire to ensure that their own interactions with that person is healthy and not damaging to the marriage. And the more open and honest and inclusive you are with your spouse about your opp sex friend, then I think it can work.

But the minute that things are kept hidden that's where the trouble can begin. And I say this to both sides! If she were to start spending more time with the guy than me, or I with another woman, that should be huge red flags. And especially when the trials of marriage come, then the door of temptation is wide open! It's so easy to confide in that friend about your martial troubles, and whether you meant to or not, something can develop there, even without you realizing it.

At least in my situation, if my wife wanted to come back to me, I would have severe trust issues with her and any friendships involving men.

But I suppose since I need to generalize, if the marriage is strong and healthy, then opposite sex friends CAN work.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

realitybites said:


> But I suppose since I need to generalize, if the marriage is strong and healthy, then opposite sex friends CAN work.


I think you should read up on healthy, appropriate boundaries in a marriage:

Affair Prevention: What are appropriate boundaries for Marriage? - beyondaffairs.com


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

I asked my husband this question a while ago and he said he knows how men think and absolutely no. Being a woman, I have no idea what or how men think about women except what I'm told so I trust what my husband says. He knows men better than me!


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## realitybites (Oct 12, 2011)

TimeHeals said:


> I think you should read up on healthy, appropriate boundaries in a marriage:
> 
> Affair Prevention: What are appropriate boundaries for Marriage? - beyondaffairs.com


That's probably one of the best things I've read on the subject (not that I've read much). But it seems to be spot on.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

TimeHeals said:


> I think you should read up on healthy, appropriate boundaries in a marriage:
> 
> Affair Prevention: What are appropriate boundaries for Marriage? - beyondaffairs.com


"Couples need to be realistically aware of the fact that our marriages are all vulnerable to affairs"

This is the most important line in that article. Once you realize that you do things to help prevent even the temptation from creeping in.


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