# Confused, seeking advice



## chris D (Jun 3, 2010)

I have been in my relationship for almost 11 years. Recently I found an email leading me to a flirtatious website similar to myspace. Apparently he has been messaging this girl for a few months (she is not located near us). He promised me he would stop and after several discussions he closed his account. 2 days later he opened a new account and has continued messaging this same girl. I know this is not as severe as physically cheating but I am devasted and I don't know what to do. Should I end it with him? Seek counseling? My issue is the trust thing and since he can access these types of sites while he is working I really will have no clue what he is doing and I don't want to live my life constantly questioning or checking up on him. I would appreciate any suggestions.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

11 years is a lot to walk away from. do you have kids? Would he go to counseling with you? You certainly cant keep living this way. He's going to have to put some effort into stopping this or you will have to leave.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

Your husband is in an emotional affair. Although it's not physical, the pain of betrayal still exists.

It's time for you to make some decisions and have another talk with your husband. The longer his EA goes on, the more damage is done to your marriage. He is investing time and energy into another woman that should be invested in you.

Although this is his fault, you need to take a look at what started it. Were you two in a rut? A lot of times, these sorts of things start because they are not getting their emotional needs met at home. Time to evaluate your marriage and see where things are lacking on both sides. Think about what you need from him, and what he needs from you.

Make a decision about what you will and will not put up with. Sit down with hubby and have a calm, honest talk about your marriage.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I totally agree with Scarletblue. This is an emotional affair. Emotional affairs are very destructive and the betrayal cuts deep. She is ABSOLUTELY correct that he is investing time, energy, you name it in somebody who is not you. To say it causes devastation is an understatement. I can feel your hurt and pain.
You have already had many discussions with him and he promised to close his account only to start a new one and continue a few days later. So he was taking this further underground hoping you wouldn't find out. I would draw a line in the sand at this point. Tell him you know about the new account and that this is still going on. This has to stop or your relationship is over. You are gone. 
The hard part is that it seems that alot of this goes on at work on his work computer. I was going to give you all kinds of tips to install keylogger and other devices, etc., but the last part of your post struck me. You see, in reading these boards so many betrayed women take back the men in their lives on face value. "I love him, I'll do anything", that sort of thing. The men tell them the affair is over and the women believe them. Never checking or wanting to. They don't check out of fear, I am sure. Everybody has their own way to cope. There is nothing wrong with that but you mentioning trust and questioning him for the rest of your life sort of deviated from others. It was kind of refreshing if you will. You sound very strong and you don't want to spend your life not trusting him. I totally understand that and I admire that.
I am sorry, I don't have any sage advice other than to install keylogger, VAR, etc., but as you stated you don't want to spend your life not trusting him and playing computer police. At this point, the only thing I can think of is to tell him what you know, define what is acceptable to you and trust your gut. Women are rarely wrong about their intuition.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You've definitely got a problem. It's called deception! He got caught having an EA. So, he then told you he would stop--but he didn't. He just tried to hide it AGAIN. Now, in the back of your mind you are probably wondering what else he is hiding. This gets to be a horrible cycle. By all means go to counseling and ask him to join you.


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## chris D (Jun 3, 2010)

Thank you all for your thoughts. I am in a really bad place right now and I really need someone to talk to. To clarify we are not married but have lived together for 11 years. I have a teenager that looks to him as a father figure so she is also distraught by all of this. I have kept checking the site he was on and as far as I can see he has not made a new account unbeknownst to me. He is very willing to go to counseling with me as he wants to work things out. Today he is coming over to take my daughter out to lunch and spend time with her. I know that we were missing an emotional connection and that it was my fault. I believe that I was "too comfortable" in our relationship to also put in the effort to give him the attention he needs. I didn't really miss what I had until he was gone and now I want to take him back so badly but like I said I don't know how to trust him. To go into a little more detail, after he closed the original account I suspected he opened a new one. I wasn't sure though and found myself thinking that maybe I was being too suspicious. I confronted him that night and he swore up and down that it wasn't him. We then continued to have a long 4 hour talk about all of our issues with eachother. The next morning I did find out it was him when I looked at his phone and found he opened a new email address to start the new account. He had said that he intended to close everything out that day because he felt our talk was so good and that we accomplished a lot by finally laying everything out on the table. He said had I not seen anything that morning that it would have all been closed when he went to work. Of course, my untrusting self finds that hard to believe. Financially counseling is going to be difficult because we are both pretty much in debt. I currently do not have medical insurance so I would have to pay everything in full. I feel like I have hit rock bottom and I am finding it difficult making it through each day.


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## dsfg_lover_001 (Jul 4, 2010)

I understand how you feel,but if you still cant really trust him,you should move on.Why waste your time on this. Well thanks for sharing.


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