# what to do what to do??



## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Hello all 
Im new here and boy do I have troubles! I wife and I have been together for around 6 years but married for 3. I have messed up bad and I pushed her away. Now that Im getting help and fixing my problems she will still and talk to me and keeps saying that its over however she still has not filed (that I know of). She says that I have cheated,although I did give her reason to believe that I did, I didnt. I have not really known my Father untill the last 2.5 years, hence part of the problem, but thanks to her we now are working on it. I had so many fears and questions about my father I didnt know where to start to talk to him about them. So like a dumb dumb I keep them botteled up and that was what closed me off form my wife. Now I have a mess on my hands and I dont know what to do. I try to talk to her on the phone she cold to me, I text her,when i do get a reply its short, emails well thats a joke there is never a reply. I asked her for 1 more try and she says she doesnt have any trys left to get. I have been begging her to give me one more try with nothing in return. I dont cry but boy let me tell you I have cried more in the past month then I have in the past 10 years. I know that I made this mess but I dont know how to fix it without her letting me try. What do i do. We now dont live under the same roof. I miss my wife and I miss my little girl. Help me understand what I need to do and I will do it


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I'm confused, sorry. What does your father have to do with this and how does that issue excuse your poor treatment of your wife? If your emails have been along the lines of using your childhood issues as an excuse I am not surprised she does not want to respond. After 10 years of disappointing her, anything that is not a subscription to some deep individual therapy probably sounds hollow to her ears. Just my humble opinion. Sounds like you're a victim of the  Walk-Away Wife Syndrome . The only chance you have is really working on yourself and learning the tools to be a better partner. Maybe if she sees that she will want to speak to you again but broken trust is difficult to recover from.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Can you give more details, what has caused the riff and how many other times has she forgiven you. 

The path to true reconciliation depends on your commitment to fix your problems and your wife fixing hers. If you have made promises before and not kept them what is different now? Sometimes it is best to let the injured spouse alone to heal. If your transgressions have been serious and she has taken numerous chances to forgive you, it may be too late. 

You have to look at that and be honest. Why put her and your child through more heart ache if you are really unable to fix yourself? Maybe leave her alone to heal and be the best father and man you can be.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

I understand what you are saying but the only reason my father was in the picture is becuase of the fact that he was the one thing the only thing that I was thinking about, that how I pushed my wife away. That was not an excuse, that was the problem I now know that that was the problem through some deep individual therapy. NOw back to the real problem What do i need to do to get her to open up alittle to see that 1)Im trying 2)I know what the problem was and is and 3) that Im getting help and changing daily without her letting me contact her?


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Can you give more details, what has caused the riff and how many other times has she forgiven you.
> 
> The path to true reconciliation depends on your commitment to fix your problems and your wife fixing hers. If you have made promises before and not kept them what is different now? Sometimes it is best to let the injured spouse alone to heal. If your transgressions have been serious and she has taken numerous chances to forgive you, it may be too late.
> 
> You have to look at that and be honest. Why put her and your child through more heart ache if you are really unable to fix yourself? Maybe leave her alone to heal and be the best father and man you can be.


Yes she has forgiven me a number of times. And yes Im willing to do whatever it takes. I have been honest and I know it maybe to late but I will not stop try to prove to her that I have changed and Im not going to stop changing and that I will not give up on her until the end


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

First off, if you don't provide more details of your indescretion we're not likely to be able to give you advice regarding suitable amendments...

But in essence, I am sorry to say at this point there is nothing you can do to force her to understand that you're trying. In fact if I were in your shoes I would switch my focus. I would not be trying as a means to an end i.e. 'getting' her to be with you again. This is not really trying, it's bargaining. I would be trying in order to make sure these issues never resurface again, not saying, 'if you let me back in I promise i'll change'. Perhaps because you are used to smoothing things over when you talked to her in the past, she is not going to give you that opportunity now as she knows you look upon it as a 'quick fix'. There are no bargains to be made at this stage, from what you've written.

Respect her decision to be apart from you if she is truly hurt. You badgering her to forgive you is another form of selfishness and it could put her off even more. Respect the fact that she may not want to speak to you and may need to heal from whatever caused this huge rift. All you can control is you. Work to be a better man and father and if your intentions are truly pure she may eventually see that . There is no timeframe we can give you. Every person is different, and she may or may not have reached her limit. Or she may just need more time than you think. 



attmay13 said:


> What do i need to do to get her to open up alittle


Think about it, she was open to you for all these years and you hurt her. You need to fix the damage caused before she would feel comfortable opening up to you again.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

loren, thank you for your reply. Sorry if I came across as being a little harsh earlier I didnt mean to. I will back off as much as I can. I see it a little better from her shoes, it was be hard to trust me and believe me. I dont want this marriage to end. I know I was wrong and I understand why I was. All I want to do is 1) fix it 2) have her see what Im doing for us, which is fixing me


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

what caused the riff: I was closed of to her and I was on edge because I was keeping issues with my father botteled up in my head. I was snappy at her for the dumbest things and when I say things it was anything. I now know that I should have talk to her about these things but I didnt.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Understood attmay. Emotional turmoil is difficult. You are going through pain now so I understand, but understand that when you were snapping and shutting her out, she was feeling what you are feeling now. Maybe even worse, judging from the fact that she is saying she no longer wants to be with you. Add to that the trust issues you hinted at (there was reason to believe you were cheating?) and the pain was probably a hundred times the pain you are feeling. And every time you picked on her, she probably shut down her feelings for you a little each day - there is nothing worse than hearing hard and abusive words from the one person that is supposed to love and cherish you the most. Her heart broke already; yours is breaking now. Read the link I sent you, this is the dynamic of so many relationships and often the abandoned partner doesn't realise their mistakes until too late. You are realising your mistake now because she no longer wants to put herself in a position where she can be hurt by you. It is good that you realise your mistakes (some people never do), and that you are working on yourself. Continue to do that and remember that getting to a place where she could consider being open to you again is likely to take time.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If there isn't more to this story it seems like she's completely overreacting. In light of your new relationship with your dad a spouse should be much more understanding.

Just being short tempered with her? That's nothing to seperate over.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

attmay13 said:


> what caused the riff: I was closed of to her and I was on edge because I was keeping issues with my father botteled up in my head. I was snappy at her for the dumbest things and when I say things it was anything. I now know that I should have talk to her about these things but I didnt.


Might she have felt as if she was walking on eggshells when you were around? did you yell call names, drink, lack interaction with kids, abandon the family by not participating. Why did she think you were unfaithful? Were you involved emotionally with a woman? It is difficutl to look at what you have done to destroy a relationship but your reluctance to write about it is telling. It is difficult to take a chance to go back into a situation like that, it has sapped her self esteem and she needs to build it back up. 

It will take a few years to get back to the person she was. Going back to you she risk a setback. Right now she is free of the axiety and pain and no doubt enjoying the fact that she is getting back to her confident hopeful self. You have a very small chance I think of breaking into disrupting her healing process. 

You seem to be having a hard time forgiving yourself. Offenses in a relationship are sometimes totally forgivable or only partially so. It depends on the offense , duration and the sincerity of the transgressor to atone. 

Would it help to write out exactly what you did as a begining? You will not get any admonishment from most people and those that do have done things that are worse. It is difficult to censure a person who is truly repentant. You may get some hard questions that will help you to atone in the right way. Can you take the chance to write out what happen, and are you strong enough to face it?

This will effect you ability to reconcile because your wife will bring up your transgressions repeatedly as part of recovery and you have to stand with and hear her out. Not only that, you have put yourself in her shoes and suffer with her and let her know you now know how much you hurt her and your kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

loren, Thanks so much for understanding what Im going through. I am a train wreck and question or and more help that you can think of is still wanted. Im not going to give up on her


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

sinnister said:


> If there isn't more to this story it seems like she's completely overreacting. In light of your new relationship with your dad a spouse should be much more understanding.
> 
> Just being short tempered with her? That's nothing to seperate over.


The OP has told us the bare minimum, but even from that one sentence he wrote it's clear that blowing up over every little thing is a trait of a domineering, controlling and emotionally abusive spouse. None of those things should be taken lightly and obviously haven't been, hence his wife's departure.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

attmay13 said:


> loren, Thanks so much for understanding what Im going through. I am a train wreck and question or and more help that you can think of is still wanted. Im not going to give up on her


You're welcome. Like I said, time will help this situation. Continue with counselling and then perhaps sometime in the future send an email or written letter stating your mistakes specifically, apologising for them specifically (that means demonstrating you understood how they affected her), and explaining what you are currently learning to avoid the same behaviours. She may not respond, but will most likely get it, and it could serve as a starting point and a chance to see you're committed to change.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

loren said:


> The OP has told us the bare minimum, but even from that one sentence he wrote it's clear that blowing up over every little thing is a trait of a domineering, controlling and emotionally abusive spouse. None of those things should be taken lightly and obviously haven't been, hence his wife's departure.


I totaly agree with Loren on this I understand that I was domineering and controlling and VERY emotionally abusive. And now I have learned why and im fixing the problems that caused the why I was actiing to her. I at frist thought that she was over-reacting, but I now that she was only acting the way that she felt maybe over-reacting to some but maybe not to her. When I removed myself metally from my family thats when it all started. I had very little reaction around the house just work and home. I was a big old ahole! However the problems are being fixed now that I now why I was that way.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Might she have felt as if she was walking on eggshells when you were around? did you yell call names, drink, lack interaction with kids, abandon the family by not participating. Why did she think you were unfaithful? Were you involved emotionally with a woman? 


To answer these I did not drink, yes a yelled, NO name calling, lack interaction with kids, abandon the family by not participating YES, I was not emotionally involved with another woman no more then FRIENDS, however it was easy to think that there was becuase I would hind it from my wife and when she did find out then she jumped to the "You are cheating on me". It was not the smartest thing that I have done I know but i did it and I cant take it back. I can only prove to her that it will not happen again


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Seems like after reading your posts we are in a similar situation. All I can say from my experience is give her lots of space, work on yourself with IC and looking at yourself internally and become strong and confident. Once she sees the changes she might come back to you or maybe not but you will be a better person and will become happy with yourself. Whenever you interact with her be loving, kind and confident. Rest leave it to fate/God/faith.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

why don't you ask her to spend time with your individual therapist and have him/her explain how you are a changed person.

if they can't explain it to her, i suggest you tell your wife you are ready to move on. while she has given you plenty of chances maybe it's time for her to move on. sometimes you can't un-ring the bell you rang in the past.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> Seems like after reading your posts we are in a similar situation. All I can say from my experience is give her lots of space, work on yourself with IC and looking at yourself internally and become strong and confident. Once she sees the changes she might come back to you or maybe not but you will be a better person and will become happy with yourself. Whenever you interact with her be loving, kind and confident. Rest leave it to fate/God/faith.


I hope that it will have a good outcome. I have stated the 180 to take a deeper look at myself. I felt better and better as the days go by and faceing what was causeing all the stress in my marriage. I find that the hardest part was just getting started on the long walk to fixing me for me and no one but me. I now know that I have to fix me before I can try to fix my marriage, however I did see her and she didnt know how to act when I didnt get upset at anything and boy did she try to push my buttons. A test ?? Maybe or could it be her venting to me for the 1st time? I dont know?? I will say that after you take the frist few steps it gets easier and easier. I just hope that I dont loose momentum. :smthumbup:


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> why don't you ask her to spend time with your individual therapist and have him/her explain how you are a changed person.
> 
> if they can't explain it to her, i suggest you tell your wife you are ready to move on. while she has given you plenty of chances maybe it's time for her to move on. sometimes you can't un-ring the bell you rang in the past.


My therapist has talked a lot about having her sit in on an appointment and talk to her one on one after i leave. I go again tonight and im sure that it will be talked about again. I think that you are right and Iam ready to move on if the therapist cant explain it to her. I know that I have "rang the bell in the past " to many times and I do understand if she can not give me another chance. But I have learned many things about me and how they put me in the place that I was in. In such a short time I have see me for me and and truely can say that I feel better about me and that alone makes me a better person to be around.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

this is a good sign if she is 'pushing your buttons' or venting. That means she has not given up on you. Do the 180 and stick with it. It is harder initially but gets better and better. In the mean time do some introspection and learn to be happy. She will notice the changes ....believe me!! she will notice.

how long have u guys been separated? Also do u have any kids?


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> this is a good sign if she is 'pushing your buttons' or venting. That means she has not given up on you. Do the 180 and stick with it. It is harder initially but gets better and better. In the mean time do some introspection and learn to be happy. She will notice the changes ....believe me!! she will notice.
> 
> how long have u guys been separated? Also do u have any kids?


we have been separated for almost 2 months and we do have a 2.5 year old. I love the time that I get with my little girl and thats where and when she tried pushing my buttons when I picked up the kido! When I drop her of I think that my wife felt bad for what she said and did becuase she couldnt look me in the eye. Im killing her with kindness! And its not hard to do when you feel better about yourself. Only time will tell. My dad is having lunch with her today and she LOVES him to death so hopefully she will open up to him. So my hopes are high


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

You have a pretty good chance and getting back together if you show her compassion and kindness. You need to be confident and strong and not sway no matter what she says or does. You said it right- kill her with kindness and leave it to faith!


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

well my dad met with her today and it sounds good. I think that she has opened up to the fact that I have changed a little. I think that her "pushing my butttons" was a test and I passed. My dad felt that she has not shut the door all the way. He said that he could tell that she still loves me very much but she is gun shy about jumping back into it, and I dont blame her becuase I would be to if I was her. I am also suppost to tell people that ask whats going on that I am working alot and we are having some problems but we are working on them. I hope that she has sat down and thought about it and will give the last chance that I need


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Great Keep it up and you will taste success. Remember she has her wall up so you need to be compassionate to her and loving. She will notice and want you back. Keep being strong for yourself!


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> Great Keep it up and you will taste success. Remember she has her wall up so you need to be compassionate to her and loving. She will notice and want you back. Keep being strong for yourself!


Ok so I went to countseling last night. I was asked to ask my wife to come with me next time. I thought about it most all night last night and I came up with yes I will ask her. So today I asked her to go, she asked my why and what do they want to talk to her about. I told her the truth "I dont know, I guess about us and where we are going but I dont know for sure". Well that was over three hours again and see has not called me or text me anything. Is this the wall that you are talking about or is she playing to see how I will act if she doesnt reply today or tomorrow? This is driving me nuts.


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Give it time my friend. Give it time.....wait it out. I know it is hard but you have no choice. If you hound her she will pull back. Don't call or remind her. Believe me she will contact If she does not it was a no in the first place.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> Give it time my friend. Give it time.....wait it out. I know it is hard but you have no choice. If you hound her she will pull back. Don't call or remind her. Believe me she will contact If she does not it was a no in the first place.


thats so true. I have told myself that I will NOT push this topic with her. I know that if I push her she will close back up, so I will wait for as long as I need to. I dont care if she gos the next time I go because I am still going to go. I have learned so many more things about me then I wanted to. LOL Its the not knowing thats killing me!


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

i know it is the not knowing. I am in the same spot. But remember life is an adventure and at times a roller coaster and you are not the one who is driving the coaster. Patience is a virtue and u cannot control her but yourself. Wait it out and be tough and happy with your self. You will discover strength that you thought you never had and she will notice. Believe me she will notice and u will feel good about yourself.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> i know it is the not knowing. I am in the same spot. But remember life is an adventure and at times a roller coaster and you are not the one who is driving the coaster. Patience is a virtue and u cannot control her but yourself. Wait it out and be tough and happy with your self. You will discover strength that you thought you never had and she will notice. Believe me she will notice and u will feel good about yourself.


Well I think I messed up again. We had plans to go with my dad for a weekend trip. He asked her to come with us and see said that she didnt want the 20 questions over the weekend. Which i would have done but anyway. So know that she really wanted to go I told her I would keep the kido and for her to without me. Told her to go with my dad and have fun. She replyed I cant take off work now it to late to tell them. I told her that I understand that but I know that you really wanted to do. I was thinking how unselfish that was of me right?? That was one thing that she said about me. So kill two birds 1 stone 1) I get to stend time with my girl 2) show her that Im not selfish. That didnt work at all. 
So I was hurt not mad just hurt! So I text her that "Im not mad or upset! I going to get this off my chest so I dont go back to the way i was! These are my feelings! Im busting my butt to try to show you that im changed/changing but you are blind to the fact that I am. My countseler could see it thats why she wanted you to come next time. She said that she knows how bad I want my family back due to the fact that I have busted my butt to do what she has asked me to do for me. You have to see that Im trying" 
Well it wasnt long that I got a text back from her asking when is my next appointment time date: what her(countsellers) name: and the phone number: So Im thinking that she is trying to call BS on me so. I sent all the info that she asked for. I feel good that I got this off my chest and I think that she see a little bit more that I trying. I know that she will not call them and she still hasnt said that she will go, but she hasnt said that she is not going also! 
I guess that I need to tell her that along time ago but i didnt.:smthumbup: I feel better about me but I hope that she see that Im trying


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

You are doing the right things but no point telling her that that you are changing or that she is blind. You will push her away. Just act unselfish (it has to come from the heart though and not be manipulative) Just relax dude and keep on doing your actions. she will notice...believe me she will notice....talk less, communicate less but act more and you will turn this around. Remember compassion is the key! If you are compassionate towards her and kind....which woman would not like to be with the father of her kid and make the marriage work. 
Give it time and let it sink into her that you are serious of the changes. The wall will come down brick by brick with love, kindness and compassion.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

sinnister said:


> If there isn't more to this story it seems like she's completely overreacting. In light of your new relationship with your dad a spouse should be much more understanding.
> 
> Just being short tempered with her? That's nothing to seperate over.


Short tempered and closed off for TEN YEARS? I would have walked at 2.


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

Mom6547 said:


> Short tempered and closed off for TEN YEARS? I would have walked at 2.


You are 100% right. I would have also, but the past is the past and if I would have known then what I know now it would have never happened. That is why I am busting my butt to prove to her that she is what i want in my life. I can have come to truths with what I did wrong and I OWN UP TO THEM. I understan that she was not overreacting because it was the way that she felt. But thank you for your support in the matter. and i was only closed off for 2 years but that doesnt change the fact that I was still wrong by trying to handle my problems by myself and NOT TALKING to my wife about them. But again THANK YOU FOR YOU SUPPORT:smthumbup:


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Attmay13....what is the update on your end? Any news on your situation?


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## attmay13 (Mar 17, 2011)

samjin said:


> Attmay13....what is the update on your end? Any news on your situation?


nothing new same old same old. it sux I know sorry


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## samjin (Feb 28, 2011)

Hang in there my friend! We are all in the same boat...remember nothing remains constant. This too shall pass!!


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