# Wifes opinion - sometimes its scary that she thinks like this about money



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Wifes views on the financial side of our relationship have also been a bit strange. We have joint account but she takes no interest at all. Not too bad with spending and will defer to me to make spending decisions fair enough. But sometimes I get a bit annoyed that she seems to think money is "my department" and nothing to do with her.

Anyway, this one really takes the biscuit today. She started a new job recently which involves driving around. There was an issue setting up the system but its done now but basically her employer owes 3 months expenses which if she doesn't do soon it'll be too late and she'll lost the lot. Probably £500 owed by now.

Wife as usual has made no effort to do so. Past experience shows me if I don't do she never will. Remember money is my department in her head. So I said look I'll help if you like. Its done online so let me have the user/password. OK she said.

So tonight I said, I cant login, if you get chance tomorrow can you check password etc for me? She went off on one saying I always mentioned this late at night and was nagging her about these expenses, bullying her and on a power trip. I didnt even realise I always mentioned it late at night - I just remembered now!

WTF. I said look I'm trying to help is all. I did point out that it was her expenses after all so I got no benefit from sorting it out personally. Same old though - even though its her expenses, its money so its my problem. Its almost as if shes doing me a favor by letting me talk about it.

I'm livid I must admit. I did point out to her that if this was her account and her spending money that was £500 short she might be a bit more interested. And that having a dig at me was really ungrateful.... But she just doesnt see it. In her head, its something I want sorted out and I'm bullying/nagging her.

Now I would love to say sod it do the expenses yourself but she'd just lose the money is all. I'd be the one left shuffling the finances.

I guess the problem is there is no incentive for her to sort it out. Me mentioning it is just hassle for her in her head. As far as she is concerned she still gets to spend money if expenses are paid or not. Awful attitude indeed.

Yes, I will admit I can be a bit anal sometimes. I like to get things sorted. But even so surely the thing is if she really was not in the mood all she had to say was "Look can we talk about this later I know you're helping me but is that ok?"

Now I'm sitting here thinking how on earth can she think like this? It scares me sometimes that shes so irrational. I always say to her that if you told a person in the street some of the things she says/has opinions on they'd incredulous. It defines believe sometimes - worse at that time of the month mind (like now). See my other post.

Comments? What should I do? I am tempted to step away a little and see what happens if Im honest....


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

I don't know....you seem to be letting her get you all worked up. Have you ever thought that letting her get your blood pressure up to point of banging the keys on a forum...in addition to arm chair quarterbacking what her response should have been is just giving her a wee bit too much control over you?

Try this...next time she gets in a huff...just grin at her. Tell her she's cute when she gets all mad...then let her take care of her own job expense reporting...then drop it. 

it was her money -if she doesn't want it back enough to turn in the expenses...why do you care? There are much better things to be doing in bed...late at night...wife your wife


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## Nynaeve (Jun 19, 2013)

She likely feels insecure in dealing with finances. It makes her anxious, fearful. So she 'copes' by ignoring it, letting you handle it. When you bring it up unexpectedly, especially late at night when she hasn't had a chance to mentally prepare herself, she panics and lashes out at you.

It's not rational. But anxiety never is. 

Try to be understanding with her instead of judgmental. You being anal about it just makes her more anxious. It amps up the pressure. You care so much...if she messes it up, you're going to be really upset. This makes her shut down. Better not to try than to try and make a mess of it.

She has most likely not consciously thought these things. But that's what it sounds like to me is going on.

Make an effort to give her a warning before discussing finances. "Hey, let's sit down on Saturday afternoon and go over your expense reports. I'll do most of the work but I'll need your help with some of it." That way she can prepare for it and you are taking the lead, shouldering most of the responsibility and relieving the pressure. 

Try to think of her like you are her accountant and she is your client. Be very careful how you talk to her. You don't want to lose this account by letting on that you think your client is being irrational. 

Change your expectations. Accept that she doesn't do finances, that it's a source of anxiety and stress for her. Stop expecting her to suddenly and magically come to her senses and think like you do. This is your strength where she is weak. So help her as you can and otherwise roll your eyes (out of her sight) and just get it done. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Married dude - you are of course right. I shouldn't get worked up.

But to clarify It's not her money. It all goes into same pot so it's family money. Which is why I think it's disrespectful of her.

If it was her money at this point I would be thinking why get involved do it yourself.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Ny. Your right I suppose I do expect her to think like her.

She annoyed me yesterday thought. She's got colleagues in work who have screwed it up lost money and are struggling because of. 

She doesn't realise how lucky she is that a few hundred £ can wait a little with no big hassle as long as it gets done eventually. 

Not everyone has that luxury or someone else to help. Wonder how many of partners help - not many I guess. Most would be not my problem I'm off down the pub.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> As far as she is concerned she still gets to spend money if expenses are paid or not.


Since it's agreed that you control the joint money, if she won't submit her paperwork to her employer, she doesn't get to spend your joint money on her nonessentials.

I have a friend whose husband lost a substantial raise merely due to his failure to turn in his paperwork. That is asinine! 

Show her the consequences, especially if you're willing to help her and she still fails to do it.

Before anyone starts yelling, oh, that's so controlling! Remember-they have an agreement that he manages the joint finances.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Is money tight or is that amount of money an annoyance?


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

When my wife did the money things I was still responsible for my own expense reports.

Here's my suggestions:

1 - Set a time for both of you to sit down and go through them so (a) she feels comfortable doing them and (b) they get done.

2 - Set up an account for her. Put about two months of expenses in it and have her draw on and replenish the account. If she doesn't do her expense reports, the money isn't replenished and she's stuck with no money.

But try #1 first. You may have to sit down with her a few times before she's OK doing it on her own regularly.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Some people just do not give a damn about money....Of course she cannot let her expenses go un collected, but nothing could interest her less....

I am the same way....

my mother was a money grubber, and as a result, as a child, I seldom saw my father....

Walk her through the process, and point out to her that it is just as important a part of her job as anything else she does...

She will get the hang of it...


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

If her free spending is limited to the expenses she claimed, then she'll have that much more incentive to get around to claiming those expenses.


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## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> Some people just do not give a damn about money....Of course she cannot let her expenses go un collected, but nothing could interest her less....
> 
> I am the same way....
> 
> ...


Yep Im sure thats it.

Thing is money is not tight so there no incentive. She just sees it all coming in and its easy come easy go.

But still doesnt mean Im willing to toss up £200-£300 a month in uncliamed expenses because she cant be bothered to spend 10 minutes.


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