# Wife dresses like a man and I HATE IT!



## damiaaa (May 17, 2017)

So I'm a bisexual girl who happened to marry another woman. I made it clear from the very beginning of the relationship that I wanted a girly girl (I don't like in-betweens. I want either a full man or a full woman). When we first met she was really girly, she would always wear make up, jewelry, nailpolish, girly clothes and other girly stuff, but after 3 years of marriage she suddenly started dressing up like a man. I want to burn all her ugly clothes. she stopped wearing make up and be the girl I knew before. When I see her in that attire I feel repulsed (I'm not into tomboys AT ALL!) At first I was shocked. I tried to talk to her miscellaneous times about this issue but she doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm not attracted to a manly girl. She said she lied to me just so we get together and I'm honestly devastated at these news because if I knew I would have married a man instead. I'm not attracted to her anymore I don't know what to do anymore. I need help :crying:


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Were you only attracted to her based on the clothes she was wearing? Was there nothing else about her that you still are attracted to?


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## damiaaa (May 17, 2017)

of course I love her personality so much and her way of thinking beside many other things. But as a bisexual woman it's very hard for me to feel emotionally and sexually attracted to a manly girl. What bothers me the most is that she LIED to me from the very beginning. she pretended to be girly when she isn't because yes how my partner dresses shows a lot about what's happening on the inside. If I knew she was a tomboy from the very beginning I wouldn't have been with her. you wouldn't feel attracted to a girl that dresses like a dude would you?


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

That's fair and devastating. Like a dude who pretends to drive a pickup and hunt when he's like a metro or something of that nature. It's a lie and she has been telling it to you for years. You really can either leave or just deal with it if she isn't willing to budge,


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

damiaaa said:


> of course I love her personality so much and her way of thinking beside many other things. But as a bisexual woman it's very hard for me to feel emotionally and sexually attracted to a manly girl. What bothers me the most is that she LIED to me from the very beginning. she pretended to be girly when she isn't because yes how my partner dresses shows a lot about what's happening on the inside. If I knew she was a tomboy from the very beginning I wouldn't have been with her. you wouldn't feel attracted to a girl that dresses like a dude would you?


You were a victim of what's called bait and switch.She seduced you by being the type of girly girl you wanted,now that she has you ensnared she feels she can relax and show her true self.Please remember one thing,even if she changes back to the way she was it will be an act and you will always know this and never be truly happy.My best friend is a very beautiful woman who happens to be gay.Her former partner was also pretty,neither of them were fans of the androgynous look and both actively disliked the butch look.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

damiaaa said:


> of course I love her personality so much and her way of thinking beside many other things. But as a bisexual woman it's very hard for me to feel emotionally and sexually attracted to a manly girl. What bothers me the most is that she LIED to me from the very beginning. she pretended to be girly when she isn't because yes how my partner dresses shows a lot about what's happening on the inside. If I knew she was a tomboy from the very beginning I wouldn't have been with her. you wouldn't feel attracted to a girl that dresses like a dude would you?


What do you mean by that, that she wears trousers? That she doesn't wear make up? That would describe millions of women who aren't manly at all including myself. In the end it depends on whether you value the marriage and love her. I would never leave my husband because he wasn't dressing as I would prefer.


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## damiaaa (May 17, 2017)

She suddenly started shopping at men's stores. She got all her new shoes from the men section with their dull look and manly colors it's horrible. She also got a men's bracelet and tons of men's t-shirts. You can tell they are men's and the colors she chooses are always brown, camo, khaki and black...basically manly color. All this came out of nowhere after spending 3 years dressing up in colorful girly shoes and tops


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Allowing someone to evolve and change is one thing, but I would have a hard time being with someone who admitted to intentional deception on something they knew was a material issue for me. 

I could not trust that person moving forward. Without trust, there can be no intimacy. Without intimacy, there's no marriage.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Well, you stayed with her so she thinks you like her just fine.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Do you know why she changed? Does she feel like she is treated better by society when she dresses like a man (a real possibility)? Was she unsure of her gender / orientation / interest - and has realized that this is what makes her most comfortable?

Is she willing to dress in a girly fashion when she is just out with you? 

Does your dress match her interests. 

I think you have lots of company form people who's spouses changed after they were married. You can let her know what you want, but you can't make her change.


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## Brinkle13 (Apr 13, 2017)

Leave. She did a bait and switch and played you. You saw her true stripes.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Could be a phase?

Is your spouse gay or bisexual?

I was answering based on the idea she also was bisexual, but that is presumptuous. 

My wife suggests another possibility. That some guy likes her girly look, and won't back off, and doesn't respect the marriage vows because of the non traditional nature.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would leave, she lied to you from the start she admitted that.

I hate to ask but could she be seeing someone else? the reason behind her drastic change in appearance.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

damiaaa said:


> She suddenly started shopping at men's stores. She got all her new shoes from the men section with their dull look and manly colors it's horrible. She also got a men's bracelet and tons of men's t-shirts. You can tell they are men's and the colors she chooses are always brown, camo, khaki and black...basically manly color. All this came out of nowhere after spending 3 years dressing up in colorful girly shoes and tops


If she hadn't told you outright that she had lied to you to get you to marry her, I would be wondering if she was worried that you were missing being with a man and she was mistakenly trying to appeal to that part of your sexuality as well.

But since she admitted she manipulated you into marrying her, and she isn't truly the person you fell for, I'd say DTMFA. Any relationship needs to be based on a solid foundation of trust. It's good that you only invested three years before finding out yours isn't.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

Annulment. She has admitted to deliberately deceiving you so she could trap you. You cannot trust her. No trust, no marriage.

However, if you stay with her after finding out, she may claim you were alright with her lie.

IamSomebody


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

She kept up her girly appearence for 3 years after the marriage. That does not sound like bait and switch to me.

However, when a spouse makes a (sudden?) drastic change something is going on... be it in the person him/herself, in the marriage or outside... mlc maybe?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> What do you mean by that, that she wears trousers? That she doesn't wear make up? That would describe millions of women who aren't manly at all including myself. In the end it depends on whether you value the marriage and love her. I would never leave my husband because he wasn't dressing as I would prefer.


With the greatest of respect I don't think you understand the workings of a lesbian relationship.The equivalent in a heterosexual marriage would be if your husband started wearing feminine clothing and makeup/jewellery.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

She committed FRAUD! 

This is not a case of somewhat changing their styles as their relationship develops...she ADMITTED she intentionally DECEIVED you.

If she is capable of deceiving you on something that is so important to you, what else might she do in the future?

You have the right--indeed, you are attracted to a certain type---to marry whomever you want. No one has a right to question your requirements for a partner. There are 7 billion + people on this planet--if she didn't meet your needs, you both should have just been able to part ways and find someone different. Instead, she destroyed your right through FRAUD and DECEIT--she felt her right to deceive you superseded your right to choose the type of mate you wanted.

I see this no different than any other kind of marriage under deceitful circumstances (e.g., lying about their sexual or personal past, lying about willingness to support the partner in future endeavors, etc.). It's FRAUD, pure and simple. Quite frankly, I could not be with someone who is so selfish that they could lie and deceive about something that is so important and basic to me that it is a "must-have" for a marriage partner for me---it shows they care so little about me that I could never trust them.

Frankly, I don't see how you could stay with this person. On top of that, sex is the glue that holds marriages together and she's intentionally and knowingly dissolving that glue for you. Really, what kind of marriage partner DOESN'T want to make themselves attractive to their spouse?

I see red flags everywhere in this relationship.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She changed after 3 years, not from the start. I got married at 23 and I changed tons in terms of clothes, hairstyles, music preferences, until I divorced at 30. The changes were themselves sudden because I wanted them. You can't "gradually" cut your hair. 

I think "bait-and-switch" is a tad drastic here... 

OP, I'm going to stress again that being unhappy for her choices is one thing, but by staying with her, it's telling her that you're fine with them. These changes in her could be a natural part of her life, and if so, will you accept her for them or will they prove intolerable? We often say that you must be willing to lose a relationship to save it.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

This sort of thing kind of happened with my gay friends, they date men who then become more feminine, this includes changing styles etc, but some weren't happy as they are attracted to "manly males" as you are attracted to "feminine females". 

I think you should have a discussion with her about it, buying mens clothing could be the start of a transition for her. 
Does she see herself becoming more masculine as time goes on? 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you dont love her enough to accept her as she is then leave.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If you dont love her enough to accept her as she is then leave.


I will repeat what I wrote earlier,you do not understand the workings of a lesbian relationship.If your husband came home from work and put on some of your perfume,maybe a little makeup and changed into a dress are you honestly telling us that you would accept it because you love him enough.And would you be happy to be in public with him.I know you are deeply religious and I'm not sure what your churches view on homosexuality is but this comment is naive at best.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Andy1001 said:


> I will repeat what I wrote earlier,you do not understand the workings of a lesbian relationship.If your husband came home from work and put on some of your perfume,maybe a little makeup and changed into a dress are you honestly telling us that you would accept it because you love him enough.And would you be happy to be in public with him.I know you are deeply religious and I'm not sure what your churches view on homosexuality is but this comment is naive at best.


I am not religious but I am a Christian. 
The Bible doesn't support relationships with 2 men or two women, but in any relationship, it's about how much you love the other person and whether you will accept them as they are or not.
IF my husband did as you said I still wouldn't leave him because I made promises for better and for worse. I would pray for him and love him anyway.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

damiaaa said:


> When I see her in that attire I feel repulsed (I'm not into tomboys AT ALL!) At first I was shocked. I tried to talk to her miscellaneous times about this issue but she doesn't seem to get the fact that I'm not attracted to a manly girl.* She said she lied to me just so we get together* and I'm honestly devastated at these news because if I knew I would have married a man instead. I'm not attracted to her anymore I don't know what to do anymore. I need help :crying:





Satya said:


> She changed after 3 years, not from the start. I got married at 23 and I changed tons in terms of clothes, hairstyles, music preferences, until I divorced at 30. The changes were themselves sudden because I wanted them. You can't "gradually" cut your hair.
> 
> I think "bait-and-switch" is a tad drastic here...
> 
> OP, I'm going to stress again that being unhappy for her choices is one thing, but by staying with her, it's telling her that you're fine with them. These changes in her could be a natural part of her life, and if so, will you accept her for them or will they prove intolerable? We often say that you must be willing to lose a relationship to save it.


Satya, are you not reading the OP's note?

The OP states that her wife ADMITTED LYING.

The OP is crying, and not attracted, and flat-out say so. She is not "telling her that she's fine with it". In fact, she's confronting her about it.

What you post appears to be the exact opposite of what the OP states happened.

I'll say it again:
The OP is a victim of premeditated FRAUD.
I wouldn't be able to stay, if I were her.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Was there ever a time before you met her where her style was more masculine, like in pictures and what not? How common is it for lesbians to switch how the present themselves. This is hard to understand as a straight male as I have changed my style at times to be more flashy or whatever, especially when I lose weight, but I can't relate to dressing feminine. 

Any thoughts to maybe she is thinking of transitioning? Or even if it's not the case maybe she just feel so comfortable with you she feel more ready to do it. 

Just a thought.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Satya, are you not reading the OP's note?
> 
> The OP states that her wife ADMITTED LYING.
> 
> ...


Then she needs to decide if her love for her is enough and her acceptance of her as she is is enough. If not then she is free to leave.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Satya, are you not reading the OP's note?
> 
> The OP states that her wife ADMITTED LYING.
> 
> ...


Thanks for pointing that out, I did miss where she'd admitted lying. 

I still believe, that if OP is unhappy, she needs to walk away. By staying, she is doing the opposite of what she says she wants in her post. Staying sends the message that she can talk all she wants about how unhappy it makes her, but there's no lasting consequence as long as she stays. 

And if her partner is lying and lied to secure a relationship, why would OP be better off staying?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I agree with the poster that asked about her past before you two dated. How was her attire then? What type of partners did she choose? Were you the type she liked? Did she change for you (this one is a biggie)?

If she was always girlie, then something happened and she is hiding that from you. You need to dig into her past if you don't know much about it and you need to communicate your serious and rightful concerns. This drastic change in her is killing your attraction to her. It may indeed end your relationship. 

How is your sex life? No changes there?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Was there ever a time before you met her where her style was more masculine, like in pictures and what not? How common is it for lesbians to switch how the present themselves. This is hard to understand as a straight male as I have changed my style at times to be more flashy or whatever, especially when I lose weight, but I can't relate to dressing feminine.
> 
> Any thoughts to maybe she is thinking of transitioning? Or even if it's not the case maybe she just feel so comfortable with you she feel more ready to do it.
> 
> Just a thought.


I lived with my lesbian friend for years and even last year she moved in with me for a couple of months while her house was been built.For three years her partner also lived with us.They both dressed feminine and I never seen either of them adopting a masculine look.
There is a fallacy about gay relationships that one partner is the man and one is the woman.This is true in some cases where you have a butch/femme partnership but it is by no means the most common type.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

damiaaa said:


> of course I love her personality so much and her way of thinking beside many other things. But as a bisexual woman it's very hard for me to feel emotionally and sexually attracted to a manly girl. What bothers me the most is that she LIED to me from the very beginning. she pretended to be girly when she isn't because yes how my partner dresses shows a lot about what's happening on the inside. If I knew she was a tomboy from the very beginning I wouldn't have been with her. you wouldn't feel attracted to a girl that dresses like a dude would you?


now you know pull the plug.


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