# Ladies, please help me.



## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

My wife has told me our marriage is over. I am holding onto a very fine thread of hope she may reconsider and work with me to figure out what we can do to "get us back".

I messed up big time about a year ago. During an alcohol induced argument about finances, I got so angry I called her "The C-Word".

I guess I have learned that this is the absolute worst word you can call a woman, especially my wife of 14 years and mother of my two children. I had no idea how much the word hurt her until relatively recently, where she now brings it up now as a major factor in drifting from me.

In order for my thread of a hope to come to reality, I need her to forgive me. I told her over and over how sorry I am. I don't disprect her to that extent. To me, it was just a word, akin to calling her a jerk or something. To her, it was and still is much more than than that.

OK, I screwed up. I am willing to acknowledge that in a big big way, but she seems unwilling to forgive me, because she says it took me too long to acknowledge the mistake. However, in the ensuring months, she never really harped on the incident and we were even getting along great for awhile. Now she keeps bringing it up again.

Any suggestions how I can get her to forgive me (for this one indiscretion) and give me a second chance? I do love the woman dearly.


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

Well, if you had meant jerk you would have said that. There is a lot more emotion and baggage that goes along with the other word.

That said...you have a LOT more going on than that word. I can't remember all your issues, but isn't she acting inappropriately with other men? She really could be deflecting. If that is the only grievance she can come up with....she doesn't have much. you don't divorce over being called a disgusting word one time and everything else is wonderful.

You can't make her forgive you. Honestly, she has to decide that she wants to forgive and move on. It sounds like she has decided that she wants to NOT forgive and move on without you.
Forgive yourself and do not apologize anymore. If she brings it up again tell her you are done visiting that incident. She has already told you she will not forgive you for it so do not apologize anymore. Do not act desperate or needy for her forgiveness.

Have you been working on yourself? Are you using manning up or 180 techniques? How is that going?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

That's the reason? A bad word? Is this an extremely conservative Protestant household? Is it a religious thing? I am genuinely interested.


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Write her a love letter, telling how much you love her with an ending humbly asking, "Can you please forgive me? I will never do it again! Please!" together with a bundle of flowers, that kind of flowers she loves, and a very cute stuff animal holding the love letter. More, buy a beautiful necklace or her dreaming handbag for her compensation.
Tell her, she means the whole world to you, you're so stupid to hurt her.
If my strategy doesn't work, your goose is truely cooked.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

One last thing, make sure you don't do it again!
Love your wife with respect! Although your wife has a hard mouth, keep saying it too late, i'm sure her ears and heart are soft.
You need to pay for the water fees- the tears she had for you!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

I don't know all the details of your situation, but from a woman who has been called the C-word more times than I can count, and still tried my hardest to work on our issues and stayed commited to my marriage, there is more going on here. There is no way after 14yrs that word slips and its suddenly over.


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> That's the reason? A bad word? Is this an extremely conservative Protestant household? Is it a religious thing? I am genuinely interested.


RLD: Were both Atheists.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

notaname said:


> you don't divorce over being called a disgusting word one time and everything else is wonderful.


:iagree:


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

What are the other issues here? She's obviously using this isolated incident to take all the blame, but there's something else going on here...


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## pjbap (Feb 19, 2011)

OK. According to my wife, we have been in a slip for a number of years (like 8). We've been married for 14 years. Here is what she brings to the table to say her heart is not there anymore. Mostly she says that I don't respect her. I will argue vehemently. Yes, I do get angry here and there, but I have been way more sweet towards this woman than negative and disrespectful.

About 8 years ago, while we were still living in Boston, my wife was thinking about starting her own business. This after begin fired from almost every job she's ever had. At the time I said "I don't think you have the discipline". This statement hurt my wife, but she had NOT brought it up a lot in the past 8 years. All I knew was my wife had professional problems that were annoying to me. This statement was probably said out of frustration. She is now bringing it up as an example that our marriage had been sliding for years and that it was an example of me not respecting her.

Meanwhile we "relocated" from Boston to Philly not much after that episode. If we were that problematic, then why did she commit for such a big move?

She did start her own biz in ~05-06 with has had up down successes (Currently it is down). I've been supporting her through it all because the biz requires her to travel... a LOT!. When she does, I'm Mr. Mom for days on end while maintaining my job. My wife now says I never really supported her ventures, because sometimes I'd "complain" when she was leaving for an entire week. This is grossly over-exaggerated. Besides, it can be rough when she travels, especially with two young kids, and my own work. Can a dude complain a little? I never ever said she can't do her work.

Over the years of our marriage, we would argue "here and there" like most. The frequency is probably average. But when we do argue, there is always hyper anger on BOTH our behaves. I have always acknowledged that I could be a little more chilled, but she has NEVER taken her own ownership into why things can occur this way. She is always "part" of the difficulty. It does take 2, but she has never acknowledged how her tones of voice and selfishness contribute. 

When we were out on a biz trip for me in Amsterdam in 05, we had an argument about an attraction SHE wanted to see (didn't care to appease me for what I might like to do). We argued and it got loud. She indicated at this time that we really need to find a way to communicate better (for starters, it wouldn't hurt at least to occasionally appease your husband's desires rather than always insisting you have it your way). 

We were discussing around this time the potential to conceive our second child. My wife indicated that maybe we should "wait" til we do fix communications. Well, on the same day as the argument, (or maybe the next) we DID conceive our second child.....INTENTIONALLY!! (We called our unborn child "Amsterdam" during the pregnancy and it was a lovely time for both of us. She now also brings up this incident as an example of a slipping marriage. Meanwhile, she was up for the conception (obviously, so was I. :- ) In 07 we traveled to Paris for a biz trip for her and we had a similar argument about an attraction she wanted to see but I didn't. She cried during the argument, and eventually got her way. She'll bring this one up too. 

Regardless of arguments, we ALWAYS seemed to kiss and makeup. The trips to both Amsterdam and Paris, were in total wonderful, as were argument free vacations to Disney in 07 Hawaii in 08, and Disney again in 09. Things at home always seemed fine for the most part too with an average amount of arguments. My wife has said to me on a number of occasions in the past several years. "I love my life". I also have hundreds of loving, flirtatious emails from throughout our entire marriage mostly during this time.

10 is when things really started to unravel. The stuff here is legendary and I brought it up on this board a few times. First off the incident that started this topic in this thread. During a financial argument in March I ended up calling my wife "the C-word". I have very loving emails very shortly after the incident that would make one think she had forgiven me, but now she brings it up as a major incident that "had opened up her eyes". 

My wife's social interactions also started to increase quite a bit in 10, especially in the fall. This required either for us to hire our Nanny to pick up kids or me to come home extra early. I started to get a little frustrated from increased social and Nanny expenses, and the fact I felt like my wife was taking my time for granted. My wife never seemed to see my points of view.

During this time, I also discovered what I would call "weird" flirtations with men by email. One with owner of a networking company (the hand on the thigh photo), and another with an ex boyfriend (who was being blatantly sexual in her direction). All this had freaked me out. I started to pay more attention to her daily activities, which started to piss her off. She said she felt like I was controlling her. Her communications also got very strange. I started to get an uneasy gut that something weird was going so I snooped on her for the first time intentionally by looking into her email when she told me she had an appointment to meet a girlfriend for drinks. The appointment was actually hooking up with a single guy and it was scheduled in an EXTREMELY flirtatious manner, one not appropriate for a married woman in my book.

I intercepted her in the city for this "appointment" before the dude showed. She got furious with me stating I have no right to "follow her" and that I was being parenting/controlling She then started to insinuate "We shouldn't be married anymore". Shortly after this my wife password protected her laptop, password protected her Blackberry, and even shut down her Facebook page (one that was quite active)

That was late December. I have come to find out now she's been speaking with lawyers since early December. She is adamant that our marriage is over (She had decided this a few months ago I think, but I feel she strung me along thinking we will continue to work on us in therapy). She says she love me dearly, respects me, thinks I'm brilliant, clever, nice looking, but she has changed and is not the woman for me. This is on top of bringing up past arguments to support her decision.

I have now relegated myself to the fact that my marriage is over. I don't think we worked together nearly as much or productively to save us which is what frustrates my soul. She says she has worked on us....by herself. 

There is nothing I can do. The papers are "on the way".


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## committed4life (Apr 2, 2011)

man woman are very emotional beings if they something to hurt you by tomorrow you will forget about it if you say something hurtful to her she will never forget it unless you prove to her that you are sincerely sorry which can take a lot of time


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Your wife is using the C word, as a reason to justify divorce. From what you describe, that is merely a smokescreen for the bigger issues in your marriage. 
None of this is any reason for her to let men feel her legs or have emotional affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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