# Good looking young couple, wife has no interest in sex



## frankhouston (Jun 1, 2013)

My wife of 10 years is no longer interested in sex, I am 36 and she is 33.

I am good looking, have a masters degree, successful, but having my wife not have sexual interest on me has taken a big toll on my self esteem.

She is also very good looking, I mean Maxim magazine type hot, also has a masters degree, great career but she chose to be a stay at home mom. This problems started way before we where parents so that's not the reason.

I try to be a good husband to her, she doesn't have to worry about anything at home, we have a beautiful home, I do a lot of the cleaning, I do all of the cooking, all the house shores, all outdoor shores. We travel around the world a couple times a year, she gets fresh flowers from me every week, foot massages, once or twice a week dates, quiet walks, I listen to her when she wants to talk, I even take care of food or drinks when her friends come over. Her friends tell her how they wish their husbands where like me, that compliment should make me feel better but it doesn't make much difference.

She lost her sex drive years ago, I have wanted to talk to her about it but it always gets her angry and end up nowhere, always the same, she just does not want to talk about it, she just thinks everything is fine no matter what.

She doesn't want to have sex, but she always wants me to flirt with her, feel her, kiss her, grab her butt, make out with her in bed wearing something of course, loves when I am checking her out and complementing her because I do mean she is hot.

She things we have a good sex life, when she just has sex with me in what she calls "just to make me happy" and happens at best once a month. She does orgasm every time when we do have sex.

But I have been dealing with this for too long, outside of our sex life we have an amazing relationship, we travel, do lots of things together, cooking, events, we do a lot of fun things together, that part we don't have problems with other than we wish we had more time to do more.

Up to about 3 years ago, we would have sex about once a week or every other week, would have wanted more but I did not pressure her, it was good while it lasted.

I have come to the point that I am trying to figure what to do?

Recently, I have tried to do everything possible to make sure I don't get turned on by her, this is a very difficult task and its impossible to do that discretely. She might walk around the bedroom nude, I will make sure I can't see her or will close my office door so I cant see her. When she is changing clothes in our room I make sure I cant see it, if she is taking a shower with the door open I close it. Obviously she has taken notice of this.

I kiss her but just not a big kiss, simple kisses, no French kissing which I know she loves, no passionate kisses that she also loves, no type of kiss that could turn me on. Of course she has taken notice of this.

Before I used to frequently tell her how beautiful, how sexy, how hot, how incredible she looked, she loved that and made her smile, I have simplified that a lot by continue to frequently complimenting her by saying how beautiful she looks, she appreciates the compliments but she has obviously noticed.

I still do everything else to spoil her that I did before, just make sure it is nothing that could turn me on, being turned on by a wife that does not want to have sex with you is not a nice feeling.

I am also trying to see if I can make her jealous, anything where she might notice.

I am a good dresser, but have stepped it up a notch, I dont wear my wedding ring, wear very nice clothing, cologne, gone all out just to go into the office.

I stay late randomly, unannounced for 2 or more hours, nothing exciting besides literally working from somewhere else.

Left my computer unlocked with Maxim magazine models webpages somewhere on my screen, they are wearing clothes, just might be wearing something sexy or a bikini, nothing bad. I have posted mildly flirtatious comments on female friends Facebook profiles that my wife can see.

I have had multiple opportunities in the past for having affairs, I work around a group of women and more than one, including as resent as a few weeks ago had tried to get me to have an affair with them, these are also very attractive women, I love my wife and so far I have been strong enough to politely decline.

I am just running out of options, she does not want to do anything about it. I do not want to have an affair, but how long can I take this before I lose my wil power.


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## LVF (May 5, 2013)

Did she refuse to go to the doctor? Does she show affection to you in general? 
I would be careful with trying to make her jealous. It might turn against you and if you guys eventually sort things out one day, she might resent and it can be very hurtful. That would be much more difficult to solve.
I do understand your pain, though... but we might be slightly different cases. Anyway, always painful!


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## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

You mentioned you have kids, I would assume they are still relatively young. I know for myself it has only been recently that I have been able to get past the mental image of I'm just mom. Not that I don't love being a mom but there was a mental disconnect between being the sexy desired wife and being a mom. For me it wasn't about how my hubby saw me but more his I saw myself. It has only been recently that I have started tossing off my m hat again and mine are 11 @ 9. May not be the case but just some food for thought
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Congratulations! You have created a princess! Quit being the Chef, Maid and Butler. No women marries a man and wants him to turn into this. 

Have you ever discussed any of this with her? Did I miss that part?


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

frankhouston said:


> I try to be a good husband to her, she doesn't have to worry about anything at home, we have a beautiful home, I do a lot of the cleaning, I do all of the cooking, all the house shores, all outdoor shores. We travel around the world a couple times a year, she gets fresh flowers from me every week, foot massages, once or twice a week dates, quiet walks, I listen to her when she wants to talk, I even take care of food or drinks when her friends come over. Her friends tell her how they wish their husbands where like me, that compliment should make me feel better but it doesn't make much difference.


Perhaps you are doing too much? This sounds an awful lot like you are her butler, as opposed to her husband. 



> She doesn't want to have sex, but she always wants me to flirt with her, feel her, kiss her, grab her butt, make out with her in bed wearing something of course, loves when I am checking her out and complementing her because I do mean she is hot.


Sounds like she wants the validation, without having to worry about you.



> But I have been dealing with this for too long, outside of our sex life we have an amazing relationship, we travel, do lots of things together, cooking, events, we do a lot of fun things together, that part we don't have problems with other than we wish we had more time to do more.


So she has everything, while you have *almost* everything.



> I kiss her but just not a big kiss, simple kisses, no French kissing which I know she loves, no passionate kisses that she also loves, no type of kiss that could turn me on. Of course she has taken notice of this.
> 
> Before I used to frequently tell her how beautiful, how sexy, how hot, how incredible she looked, she loved that and made her smile, I have simplified that a lot by continue to frequently complimenting her by saying how beautiful she looks, she appreciates the compliments but she has obviously noticed.
> 
> ...


One potential problem is that you are sending her mixed messages. You tell her that you want things to change, but your actions clearly tell her that it is not that big of a deal to you. 

So you need to align your actions with your words. This means you stop doing things for her. Stop cleaning up after her, giving her all those gifts and telling her how beautiful she is. Don't be the one to saying I love you first all the time. Pull back.

If she asks you what is wrong, you then need to make clear that since she is not interested in meeting your needs, you need to focus on you and that means less time for her. Don't be mean or nasty, but do be clear that you are serious about this.

I would also suggest you do some stuff for yourself. Pick up an old hobby you let go. Reconnect with some friends. Be a bit more like the guy you were when you were dating her.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You can never nice your way into having a woman be attracted to you. Your passivity in dealing with this has made her lose respect for you.

Is having sex important to you?

Is having an attentive husband important to your wife?

If you stopped being attentive would she put up a fuss about it? If so, then she is expecting you to put up a fuss about your sex life.

It is natural and normal for a woman's sex drive to wane after having kids. It's really really hard to reconcile the role of mother with the role of sex goddess. But if your kids are school age, she should be getting her groove back on her own by now.

Tell her you're pulling back and shutting down because her lack of sex drive causes you pain, you don't feel wanted, you don't feel loved and you need sex for you to feel those things.

The rest is up to her. But you HAVE to be the man and force the issue out.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Stop kissing her rear end, and stop with the manipulative jealousy routine.

The fact she won't talk about it without getting angry is the key problem. If you don't draw the line and get her to both acknowledge it is a problem and that she agrees to work on it through either counseling, literature, or whatever - then you better just put a cork in it and put your apron on for the rest of your marriage. 

She's way too comfy knowing you aren't man enough to leave her, which is why she doesn't respect you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

You guys are in your sexual prime and still young.

You are both very educated, have careers and are good providers.

She decided to be a stay at home mom. Nothing wrong with that. She can always go back to work after the kids are in high school.

You're both in great shape and she is very hot.

Sounds great so far if you ask me.


Sounds like you work, she stays home, you do all the chores, cook, give her flowers, massages, you name it, you do it for her. But you work and she stays home............

She wants you to flirt with her, grab her butt, etc., but doesn't really want sex anymore and only 1x month????

She gets mad when you bring up the sex issue?

Either her hormones are off due to having the kids and she needs to see the Dr and get meds.......OR, she is having an affair.


If I had a hot wife and she didn't want sex, stayed home while I worked and I still did the chores and cooked and spoiled her, I would have a final talk with her already!!! Tell her, you need sex and have had many opportunities to have affairs with very hot women but you turned them down. Tell her you are sexually starved and something must be done now.

You can only put up with this so long before some of those very hot ladies finally get you to come over and have crazy mind blowing sex with them.

She is very spoiled and comfy, not good.

You've heard the old saying, the hotter they are, the more trouble they are.....


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

That's like having a Ferrari and your not allowed to drive it. Quit the cleaning and cooking. She is taking your kindness for weakness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The "she does not want to talk about it" and "gets all angry" and current frequency (1x a month) are major red flags.

Try not having even the 1x a month and stop treating her like a princess. No physical contact, compliments, etc. After a few months it will either dawn on her that she is way off in her assessment of what married people do or she is intentionally doing it for a reason.

Without knowing her past it is hard to make a guess. The reason could be EA, power struggle, her trying to affirm her importance in the family pecking order, PPD, physical issues, wanting to go back to work and resenting staying at home (despite claims to otherwise).

The most alarming of the red flags is the 1x a month, to the extent that it is borderline to the definition of 'sexless' but not quite there yet.

Also, was the drop in frequency gradual or all of a sudden went from good to 1x?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

john117 said:


> The "she does not want to talk about it" and "gets all angry" and current frequency (1x a month) are major red flags.
> 
> Try not having even the 1x a month and stop treating her like a princess. No physical contact, compliments, etc. After a few months it will either dawn on her that she is way off in her assessment of what married people do or she is intentionally doing it for a reason.
> 
> ...


Alot of men fall into this pattern in their sex rates with their spouses. 

MMSL gives some pointers for how to correct your situation. It's not MAP or anything in your case, but you need to re balance your Alpha and Beta qualities, some social re-framing will help you too.

Your wife needs to see you as a viable and sexual masculine man.

Many of the things you do are GREAT to do for your spouse. It has to be a two way street though.

So you do them, in moderation to keep from falling into the position which you currently are.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

> Recently, I have tried to do everything possible to make sure I don't get turned on by her, this is a very difficult task and its impossible to do that discretely. She might walk around the bedroom nude, I will make sure I can't see her or will close my office door so I cant see her. When she is changing clothes in our room I make sure I cant see it, if she is taking a shower with the door open I close it. Obviously she has taken notice of this.
> 
> I kiss her but just not a big kiss, simple kisses, no French kissing which I know she loves, no passionate kisses that she also loves, no type of kiss that could turn me on. Of course she has taken notice of this.
> 
> ...


Do you really think that withholding the emotional needs that she LIKES the most will lead to more sex???? Not a good plan...



> Recently, I have tried to do everything possible to make sure I don't get turned on by her, this is a very difficult task and its impossible to do that discretely. She might walk around the bedroom nude, I will make sure I can't see her or will close my office door so I cant see her. When she is changing clothes in our room I make sure I cant see it, if she is taking a shower with the door open I close it. Obviously she has taken notice of this.
> 
> I am also trying to see if I can make her jealous, anything where she might notice.
> 
> ...


These statements contain a number of the common "red flags" that indicate when a spouse is having an affair....is there something that you're not telling us?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NatureDave said:


> Do you really think that withholding the emotional needs that she LIKES the most will lead to more sex???? Not a good plan...
> 
> These statements contain a number of the common "red flags" that indicate when a spouse is having an affair....is there something that you're not telling us?


Meeting each others needs is a must for a successful marriage but it's a two way street. If you're meeting her needs, she should want to meet yours. And for most husbands, the number one need from a wife is sex. So YOUR plan is not working.

I agree with other posters that your alpha/beta mix seems to be too beta dominant. Couple of suggestions on books to read. Married Man's Sex Life Primer (talks about the importance of Alpha qualities in a husband) and Dr. Hartley's book, His Needs Her Needs. In the later, there is a needs inventory that you should both fill out, that you may find to be very helpful and enlightening. Your inventory may help underscore for her how important sex is for you, without immediate confrontation.

You shouldn't summarily dismiss the affair angle because her not wanting sex with you is a definite red flag. But only one. Her being attractive is not necessarily a red flag, but makes an affair all the more likely. Also since she's at home, she has more opportunity. You would be smart to rule out that possibility by doing some discreet investigating.

But assuming she's not having an A, I would predict that eventually as your frustration and resentment grows over this, you will instinctively stop meeting her needs. This can cause a vicious downward spiral for both of you and consequently cause major problems in your marriage. You'll eventually either shut her out and isolate and/or be prone to an affair yourself.

Bottom line is you need to try something else. Talk to her, let her know that she's not meeting your most important need as your wife. But when all is said and done, it all boils down to what you're willing to accept from your wife if things don't improve. Walking away should be an option if it's that important to you, even if a last resort option.


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## NatureDave (Feb 19, 2013)

Badmemory, you misinterpreted my question...

The red flags were not for the spouse, but for the original poster. Is Frankhouston hiding something from us???


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NatureDave said:


> Badmemory, you misinterpreted my question...
> 
> The red flags were not for the spouse, but for the original poster. Is Frankhouston hiding something from us???


Yeah, I got that after I re-read it. Looks like he's left the building anyway.


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