# My wife keeps asking me if I cheated...why?



## Rascal

I have not cheated on her, but lately she keeps asking me when I initiate sex if I have. Any one want to guess what this is about? With her schoolwork and work schedule we typically go months without sex. More recently, I have been trying to initiate sex more often. I have also been trying to get more of her attention. Why would trying to close the gap between us generate this question? Please, give me some ideas as to what she is thinking or feeling ...and why? I ask her why and she says she is just wondering.


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## Bellavista

You are changing your behaviour, that can signal that something is up, even if you are trying to make changes for the better.

Why not tell her you are trying to improve your relationship? Sometimes simple communication can end a lot of speculation on the part of a concerned spouse.

Just remember, your wife is not a mind reader, any more than you are.


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## Wiserforit

Rascal said:


> Please, give me some ideas as to what she is thinking or feeling ...and why? I ask her why and she says she is just wondering.


There's the red flag.

"Just" is a minimizer, used to make a molehill out of a mountain.

"Just wondering" is a clever non-answer. You asked her WHY she is wondering. Her answer is to re-state what you already know (that she is wondering), but to minimize it. Do you see how that is not answering, and is actually a tactic to defeat inquiry?

She doesn't want you to know why she is wondering, despite you asking. It is not our responsibility to figure out why she wants to know. It is her responsibility to tell. 

When it bothers you so much that you are going on to a forum and asking strangers instead of her answering then there is at a minimum a substantial communication problem going on.

People do not ask such questions by random chance. This is a cause-and-effect world. So go back to her and insist on an answer. It could be no big deal, like the fact you are approaching her for sex more. If so, then why conceal the answer? 

And if no answer is forthcoming, then the reason is something you definitely don't want to hear.


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## underwater2010

Have you noticed any changes in her behavior....ie texting tons, password locks, late nights?


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## somethingelse

My H used to ask me that question all the time. I would get so annoyed, and say to him "you know, it's usually the people who are hiding things that are the ones suspicious without cause"


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## ScarletBegonias

somethingelse said:


> "you know, it's usually the people who are hiding things that are the ones suspicious without cause"


:iagree: yup.I've never been asked if I was cheating by partners who weren't cheating themselves.


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## BrockLanders

It could be a projection of her own guilt.


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## F-102

Go read Oh, Gawd's thread in the CWI section. She was constantly accusing her H of the same thing, then started an EA. Apparently, her H saw the "red flag" that you are being warned of, and he found all he needed to know.


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## MissMe

Wiserforit said:


> There's the red flag.
> 
> "Just" is a minimizer, used to make a molehill out of a mountain.
> 
> "Just wondering" is a clever non-answer. You asked her WHY she is wondering. Her answer is to re-state what you already know (that she is wondering), but to minimize it. Do you see how that is not answering, and is actually a tactic to defeat inquiry?
> 
> She doesn't want you to know why she is wondering, despite you asking. It is not our responsibility to figure out why she wants to know. It is her responsibility to tell.
> 
> When it bothers you so much that you are going on to a forum and asking strangers instead of her answering then there is at a minimum a substantial communication problem going on.
> 
> People do not ask such questions by random chance. This is a cause-and-effect world. So go back to her and insist on an answer. It could be no big deal, like the fact you are approaching her for sex more. If so, then why conceal the answer?
> 
> And if no answer is forthcoming, then the reason is something you definitely don't want to hear.


Sometimes I ask a question and don't have any other reason than I was just wondering and I've never considered it a clever non-answer.


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## Rascal

Well..it would be ridiculously easy for her to cheat. She is a nurse and works overnight randomly. She heads out at 11 and she may not be back when I leave for work in the morning. This has crossed my mind several times, but here is the thing: I am not sure what I would think if I knew she had cheated. I have little interest in checking up on her. I don't want to check her phone. I don't want to check up on her at work. I don't want to check her work schedule. I am not sure I even care. I have felt this way for a couple years. If this has been my emotional state, then shouldn't she be in the same state? Shouldn't she be worried about our relationship? She never seems to make an effort to improve our relationship unless I prod her. If I was to let it go, we would probably slide into being just roommates.

I have not been happy for awhile and I have only more recently fully appreciated that there is a serious problem. I intend to try and fix my marriage, yet something tells me that this will only end it - that by pushing to improve things will only expose the truth...whatever that is. What if she admits cheating on me and I simply don't care?

I would appreciate any thoughts, comments or guidance. It is always insightful to have other peoples outside perspectives.


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## HollowKat

Probably because she is projecting her guilt on you. You say you might not care, but you worry that if pushing things would cause more harm, then you really do care. You are comfortable with the quiet and not the storm. Both parties should be overall happy in a healthy relationship. You are in a relationship to be happy, not to be unhappy, otherwise what's the point. Chances are she is insecure and is cheating, NOT SAYING that this is entirely true but a lot of people have been through the same and will suggest the same. I do hope this isn't the case though but it is a strong possibility. You have to ask yourself, "why am I in this relationship" and "Is this what I truly want for the rest of my life?" You sound like you have pondered the idea of what if she did cheat, but never really put yourself in the shoes of someone who has been through it. Are you really ok with your wife being with someone else behind your back? Don't lose your cool after reading this, just collect your thoughts, do not force anything just yet. Just talk and listen and express your feelings and LISTEN to what she says and how she reacts. This is a CRUCIAL point in your marriage that may have a dramatic turn of events soon...but these are DEFINITELY signs of something going on.


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## somethingelse

Rascal said:


> Well..it would be ridiculously easy for her to cheat. She is a nurse and works overnight randomly. She heads out at 11 and she may not be back when I leave for work in the morning. This has crossed my mind several times, but here is the thing: I am not sure what I would think if I knew she had cheated. I have little interest in checking up on her. I don't want to check her phone. I don't want to check up on her at work. I don't want to check her work schedule. I am not sure I even care. I have felt this way for a couple years. If this has been my emotional state, then shouldn't she be in the same state? Shouldn't she be worried about our relationship? She never seems to make an effort to improve our relationship unless I prod her. If I was to let it go, we would probably slide into being just roommates.
> 
> I have not been happy for awhile and I have only more recently fully appreciated that there is a serious problem. I intend to try and fix my marriage, yet something tells me that this will only end it - that by pushing to improve things will only expose the truth...whatever that is. What if she admits cheating on me and I simply don't care?
> 
> I would appreciate any thoughts, comments or guidance. It is always insightful to have other peoples outside perspectives.


What has caused you to feel no interest in putting effort into your marriage? Just curious..


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## Nsweet

That raises a * BIG RED FLAG *with me too! 

If your wife asks you if you're cheating once in a blue moon, then she's just insecure. On the other hand, if she *KEEPS ASKING* then she's either thinking about it, or she's cheating herself. But I don't want to you to go accusing her, because I think I might know what's really going on here. Dude, she's testing you.... and you're failing miserably. 

Psychologically these things accure in phases and right before the "testing affair" where she has one or multiple sexual contact occurances you will never know about, she will *ASK YOU ABOUT THE STATE OF THE RELATIONSHIP* first. This happens when she feels a sense of lost connections between you two and want to know if you still care. Now she may have cheated and she may not have. If you don't want to open pandoras box on your marriage I suggest you *DO NOT ASK*, right now at least. 

The way you pass her testing you, and you're going to get like 5 tries, is you tell her what she wants to hear. When she asks you if you're cheating you tell her exactly why you fell in love with her and how no woman would ever mean the same to you. Is it the truth? Hell no. You can start over at any age and fall in love with anyone for any reason. But she needs you to tell her what it is you like about her, how you noticed her little changes and behaviors, and how you appreciate her for still caring about you. You get it? Show you care instead of pretending other wise.

My suggestion: Think of at least ten things you absolutely love about her and appreciate about her, now write those down. Then use them in any way you can think of to surprise her when you know she needs to hear these things from you. She's a nurse right, I have cousins who are nurses, they come home dog tired and stressed out and either want to hug their husbands or be left alone. So surprise her by doing something that shows you care before she gets home, like laundry, cleaning the bathroom, cooking something for her she can heat up real quick, and leave love notes everywhere.

If I had to relive my failed marriage all over again I would have payed closer attention and let her know everyday just how much I adored her with my actions, because words are cheap and over used. Of course she would have cheated and left me for some other loser anyways, and it was all meant to be. I'll deffinitely do all of that with the next wife.


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## Wiserforit

MissMe said:


> Sometimes I ask a question and don't have any other reason than I was just wondering and I've never considered it a clever non-answer.


You don't keep asking and asking the same thing repeatedly, whenever your husband initiates sex. So this comment has no bearing on the discussion.

Rascal, you have years of drifting apart, and if you don't care about her cheating then what is the point of being together?


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## MissMe

Rascal said:


> Well..it would be ridiculously easy for her to cheat. She is a nurse and works overnight randomly. She heads out at 11 and she may not be back when I leave for work in the morning. This has crossed my mind several times, but here is the thing: I am not sure what I would think if I knew she had cheated. I have little interest in checking up on her. I don't want to check her phone. I don't want to check up on her at work. I don't want to check her work schedule. *I am not sure I even care. I have felt this way for a couple years.* If this has been my emotional state, then shouldn't she be in the same state? Shouldn't she be worried about our relationship? She never seems to make an effort to improve our relationship unless I prod her. If I was to let it go, we would probably slide into being just roommates.
> 
> I have not been happy for awhile and I have only more recently fully appreciated that there is a serious problem. I intend to try and fix my marriage, yet something tells me that this will only end it - that by pushing to improve things will only expose the truth...whatever that is. What if she admits cheating on me and I simply don't care?
> 
> I would appreciate any thoughts, comments or guidance. It is always insightful to have other peoples outside perspectives.


Perhaps that's why she is asking. She feels your withdrawal from the relationship.


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## chillymorn

I smell a rat!

turn your radar on and start paying attention.


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## happyman64

Rascal

Just the fact you posted here shows you still do care.

And if you are unhappy then have a conversation with your wife about your feelings, her feelings and the state of your marriage.

But only after you check her phone, facebook and schedule.

Her question about you cheating is a reflection on her. Pure and simple.

You can either decide as adults you still love each other and want a real marriage or you can decide to pack it up.

But know all the facts first.

HM64


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## MaritimeGuy

I think one way of getting out of a relationship is to catch your partner cheating. You can rationalize to yourself, friends and family that you were forced into the decision and you're not the bad guy...you're the victim. 

It takes considerable courage to end a relationship simply because it's not what you want it to be. 

My concern is she's hoping to find out you are cheating so she can call it quits. That combined with your indifference and the two of you going months without having sex leads me to believe you have serious issues in your relationship. If you honestly want to save it you need to take action sooner rather than later.


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## Broken at 20

Um...she's a nurse and she's in school? Well that put's quite a bit of stress on someone...
And she is going to 'work' at 11 p.m.

You really want me, to spell this out? Dude, I can see the problems, and I am 20. 

But we can go through them:
Emotionally unavailable husband. Check
(If she is a nurse) in contact with higher earning men on a regular basis. Check. 
Checking out of marriage. Check. 
Lack of intimacy. Check. 
Going out to work very late. Check. 
Unknown whereabouts. Check. 
Blaming/questioning their spouse about their fidelity and commitment. Check. 


At this point, there only things really missing, are overly protective of phone, and maybe a wardrobe makeover. But if she works in a hospital, probably doesn't need one. Or maybe that infamous "I love you but I'm not in love with you," speech. 

So...can you guess where I am going with this?


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## Rascal

Oh, I am sure we are withdrawn. The question is who withdrew from whom and why? In all the years we have been married, she has never remembered our wedding anniversary. I always do. She once pushed for divorce for financial aid reasons and, while she did not ask to actually separate, it seems to me that if her heart was in this marriage then she wouldn't have asked. I felt a little hurt. 

However, when I push and prod her on a subject she does respond. When I push for a date night, she makes time. When I push her for more sex, she un-enthusiastically responds. When she sees that she has hurt me, she apologizes. When she sees that I am upset, sooner or later, she tries to make amends. 

Now for me, I find myself seeking the attention of pretty women, but the attraction doesn't feel like sexual desire. I simply desire their attention - actually, I would say it's closer to having a need for their attention. I find myself making excuses to myself to go talk to female co-workers about some trivia thing that I could either figure out for myself or just email them about. And then I flirt with them sometimes to the point where THEY make a pass at me, offer me their phone number, etc. Yet, I don't pursue it any further. I just cruelly want their attention that's it.

Most of the time, my wife is unavailable - either she is not home, she is studying or she is spending time with our son. She rarely shows any desire to spend time or give any attention to me. Now, in her defense, she has been very busy with school and working, BUT she still manages to find time for our son, e.g time to shop Ebay for toys, time to build HUGE train layouts, time to take him to the library, etc. And for me.... well...she did buy me a blood pressure monitor. And, she does usually call me when I am at work, but she mostly wants to talk about our son. 

*The last two nights she worked over night and, just now, she has chosen to sleep with our son tonight. I guess I get to sleep alone again tonight.*

(You know, now that I think about it, it is almost like she is pushing me to cheat and then asking me if I have cheated.)

Now, I could divorce her, however, it has dawned on me that I could try experimenting and see what happens. The worst that will happen is that I get divorced - which would be bad because I doubt I could pay the child support and still afford to eat. However, what happens happens. 

The problem is... what do I try doing? Her school work will lighten significantly in about 3 or 4 weeks. What's the plan? What should I try doing to fix this mess? What's should be my plan of attack? Should I make a full frontal assault and just ask her outright? Or do I try to be more coy and work some guerrilla warfare by trying different things to see her response?


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## Nsweet

Do nothing, but act happy and pull away. Those are the only things that are going to work for you right now. If you try any of that other crap... The crying, begging, criticizing, asking her what she wants, or manipulating her in any way you're just going to fail like the 99% of other betrayed/left behind spouses who think they can reinvent the 180 on their own terms.


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## keko

Is there any way for you to confirm her work schedule matches the nights she goes out?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MaritimeGuy

I would suggest marriage counselling. You really need to do an honest evaluation of whether or not there's anything left worth saving in your marriage.


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## Blue Firefly

Rascal said:


> Now for me, I find myself seeking the attention of pretty women, but the attraction doesn't feel like sexual desire. I simply desire their attention - actually, I would say it's closer to having a need for their attention. I find myself making excuses to myself to go talk to female co-workers about some trivia thing that I could either figure out for myself or just email them about. And then I flirt with them sometimes to the point where THEY make a pass at me, offer me their phone number, etc. Yet, I don't pursue it any further. I just cruelly want their attention that's it.


*Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover.*

Your ego/self-image should not be centered around whether or not you get attention from others (women or otherwise). You should be able to stand on your own two feet as an individual.

BTW, you think your wife doesn't notice you constantly trying to get the attention of women to stroke your ego? Of course she does, and of course she is worried you will try to take it to the next level with one of them.

YOU are playing with fire with this little game.


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## Rascal

Blue Firefly said:


> *BTW, you think your wife doesn't notice you constantly trying to get the attention of women to stroke your ego? Of course she does, and of course she is worried you will try to take it to the next level with one of them.
> 
> YOU are playing with fire with this little game.*


*

She is never around and, yes, I know I have been playing with fire. I need to step back and take a good look at myself and my marriage and then plan my next move carefully. I greatly appreciate the comments and suggestions. It gives me perspectives I had not considered.*


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## Rascal

Blue Firefly said:


> *Read the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Glover.*
> 
> Ok, I just got the book. I am only 10 pages into and I can already painfully see that I fit the mold perfectly. Ouch. No more like DOUBLE OUCH!! Every page hits home.
> 
> Ok....I will read the book and hopefully learn something from it.
> 
> Wish me luck.
> 
> (The nice thing is that I am really motivated because I have nothing to lose.)


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## happyman64

That can be very motivating.

Go for it and let us know how you are making out.....


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