# Just learned that ex wife of 10 years was cheating for 3 of them.



## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

I just found out my wife was cheating on me while we were still married. Me: 39m. Her: 38f.

We were together a total of 10 years, and married for 6 of those years. She moved out 8 months ago and our divorce was final 4 months ago, but I am only finding out just now. She was cheating on me for 3 of the final years of our marriage. She has no idea that I know. She has been playing me for a fool all this time!

As for how I found out... well, I did a bad thing. I logged into her email. I knew the password from a long time ago and she never changed it. It was a stupid thing to do, and I regret doing it. But it got me the answers I should have been given a long time ago. I wish I had done it sooner. But as I have learned, its easy to trick someone who trusts you. I feel like it was the right thing to do because what I did (logging in) pales in comparison to what she did to me (cheating). So I am very torn on this one point. Don't know if I should be feeling guilty about logging in or not. I obviously didn't feel guilty enough to stop myself. But I'm glad I did. Now I know everything I needed to know. I think it will help me move on faster knowing she was a liar and a cheat, rather than taking her at her word that she's just lost and confused.

I should also mention that she had kids from a previous marriage and we have been raising them together all this time. I raised them as if they were my own, and they think of me as their dad. So because of this, she and I still occasionally see each other and communicate. So going "no contact" has been difficult. When seeing each other, its always so easy for our conversation to change from "business" to "personal".

I have talked to friends about my situation, and some people tell me "You're divorced now. Just move on." But I feel so compelled to confront her. Other people say "Go for it. Tell her."

The circumstances of our breakup is what drives my urge. She left me under the notion that she was just confused about her life and needed to get a new direction and "I need to work on me" for a while. She talked about a change of career, etc etc. So I was holding onto hope that we could separate and she could get her life sorted out and then maybe get back together. If I had known she was cheating, that would have ended it right there. So the last 8 months have been the worst time of my life.

At some point last Xmas, I realized that she was insistent on breaking up with me, and I just needed to go ahead and file for divorce. She wanted her freedom, so I gave it to her.

Only now have I discovered that she was cheating, and apparently she had no plans to ever tell me. She thought she could commit the perfect crime and take the secret to her grave.

All I want to do is let her know that I know. I don't need any details or "why" or anything else. I just feel compelled to let her know that I know. I want her to know that she did not get away scott free.

So I am trying to get some direction. Should I (and how can I) just walk away and pretend this never happened? Or will it help me to get any closure by telling her that I know?

I have an appointment with a counselor soon. I am going to ask him the same question.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pain,

First of all, I am sorry you're here.

Second and most importantly get yourself tested for STDs. Your wife carried on an affair for 3 years while she was with you. God only knows what she may have exposed you to.

On the issue of confrontation, I would be all for it. As a matter of fact, I would also expose her to her family and friends since I am almost willing to bet she completely re-wrote your marital history to them as a justification for ending the marriage. That's pretty standard cheater operating procedure.

If you didn't do so already, print out copies of the emails and give to her family and let her explain it to them. Don't tell her you're going to do this. 

Let her spend a few months of truying to put her life back together like you've been doing for almost a year now!

Just my bitter 2 cents!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dont bother confronting her. Instead save the emails in a safe place. Mind the OM and expose to his wife or gf. Also expose to all your Musial friends and family. Don't mention the emails, but do call out the guy by name and tell them it's been going on for years.

Then go dark on her. Don't call or text and don't respond to any she sends you.

Let her rage in the dark alone as she has to del with people finding out just what kind of person she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are the kids old enough for you to maintain contact with them and not with her?

I agree you should tell her friends and family and the OM's wife/gf/family. She'll know you know after that.

So sorry she did this to you


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

On the topic of STDs, I'm glad you brought that up. Yes, she contracted Herpes at some point because she got a test not too long before she left me and the test came back positive. She tried to say that it was probably contracted before we were married, but come on! Ten years is a long time together for me to have never gotten it. So yes, I feel pretty sure she got it from one of her boyfriends. Karma, huh? Ain't it sweet?

As soon as she told me, I got a test myself and came back clean. Tested again a few months later and still came back clean. So I'm happy for that.

As for the other part, wow. I never expected that. I didn't want to really go that far. First, I'm concerned that by admitting I logged into her email, I may be criminally liable. She may be very pissed at me for doing this. I know she may be feeling guilt and remorse and that may stop her from acting on it, but one of her new boyfriends may encourage her to prosecute me.

My idea was simply to tell her that I know and leave it to her imagination as to how I found out. Let her make a dozen phone calls trying to figure out who blabbed.

I'm not THAT concerned with her friends or family. In fact, I bet money she told her friends she was cheating, trying to get perspective on what to do, and if they could not or would not convince her to do the right thing, then telling them would be a waste of time.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How could using her password to log into her email be illegal :scratchhead:


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> Are the kids old enough for you to maintain contact with them and not with her?
> 
> I agree you should tell her friends and family and the OM's wife/gf/family. She'll know you know after that.
> 
> So sorry she did this to you


The youngest is 16 and still lives with me. He isn't driving yet so she comes to pick him up. Last time we had a confrontation, it was because she was at my house trying to pick him up and help him collect his things before they left. She was SUPPOSED to be there and gone before I ever got home, but instead she was there when I arrived. That sorta thing happens occasionally. I really need to set some ground rules so that doesn't happen again.

In other cases, its because she has tried to be my friend. She will come over to get the youngest and take him to dinner, and she would invite me to come along. Other times, she has tried to invite me to come to a movie with the kids. I have never accepted this offer. But I have gone to dinner a few times with them over the past couple of months. If I had only knew what kind of monster I was dealing with, I would have never agreed. I thought she was just trying to maintain relations with me because maybe there was hope for a future.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, Pain, how horrible for you.

I think that confronting her is keeping the drama going -- which is not good for you and your recovery. I'd keep the emails, but I wouldn't bring it up. You are divorced now. And now you know that you were right right right more than right. Confronting her just feeds the beast.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The spouses and gf of the men she is cheating with have a right to know, especially because of the STD.

Never ever admit about the email. Frankly, the cops couldn't careless that you got in there. They have much bigger things to work on than a cheaters secret being exposed because her ex read her email.

But if you are worried, simply do no say how you found out.

But do out her to her bfs wives and gf.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

Hope1964 said:


> How could using her password to log into her email be illegal :scratchhead:


I googled it.. Seems like the interwebs are pretty against it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pain,

Whatever works for you!

You could also expose by culling out some facts from the emails that you can include that shows beyond a doubt that she had an affair

Perhaps construct the email so that it looks like a PI may have given you the info?

Definitively expose to the OM wife or GF if they are still together. The OM wife also deserves the truth you've just uncovered.

Sorry but I know I would be concerned with what's been said about me for the past year, especially if it isn't true. More than likely, you've been painted as a controling spouse at best to justify her actions to herself and others.

But again, do only waht you want to do and I believe that this revealation will help you move on sooner and find someone who will truly care for you


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I disagree about the outing. It reeks of junior high school vengeance. People will do what people will do. Don't be messing in other folks' lives.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

PainBelow said:


> I googled it.. Seems like the interwebs are pretty against it.


They are also against cheating, didn't seem to influence your ex much did it?

Do what another poster did here in the last couple of days, actually call the cops and try to report that you ex has been reading your emails. Beprepated to get blown off as a waste of time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So the lies and deception continue.......

Definitely go dark on her! She is poison to you!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Agree with Toffer, Go Dark!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I disagree about the outing. It reeks of junior high school vengeance. People will do what people will do. Don't be messing in other folks' lives.


You don't think other people involved here have a right to know they've been exposed to an STD?!?!?! :scratchhead:

You NEED to let them know somehow. Even if all you do is put an anonymous note in their mailbox that says "[your wife's name] has herpes. Ask her about it.

And if you can avoid talking to her, so much the better. Keep it just between you and the kids. But DO NOT use them as go-betweens, and do not let her do so either.

As far as telling her you know, why not? She betrayed you in the worst possible way. Why should she think she got away with it? Like the Carrie Underwood song says "Maybe next time (s)he'll think before (s)he cheats"


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

It's ok, Hope, we can agree to disagree.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

PainBelow said:


> My idea was simply to tell her that I know and leave it to her imagination as to how I found out. Let her make a dozen phone calls trying to figure out who blabbed.


 Great idea. Do not tell her exactly what you know, how you know, or how long you have know. Be calm and do not act hurt. Just say that you are disappointed that she did not eventually tell you the truth on her own. 

If she tries to deny it, just tell her that you know the truth and her denying it changes nothing, but does disappoint you because you had hoped one day that she would have remorse and come clean, for her own karma not yours. Then smile and change the topic or walk away but do not be emotional or mad.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

All you need to ask yourself is would you have liked to have known your wife was cheating? If one of her OM was caught, would you have wanted their spouse to tell you that your wife was cheating on you. Especially if that spouse was aware that her husband had herpes and could of affected your wife and you.

Most everyone would want to know this information. You have an obligation to tell these innocent people what you know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

SadSamIAm said:


> Most everyone would want to know this information. You have an obligation to tell these innocent people what you know.


:iagree:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Put her on Cheaterville.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would tell her you know, but no details on what you know or how you learned it. That way she will know she is busted but she will forever wonder how much you know and how you discovered it.

Ditto on the comments about OMs' wife or gf having a right to know he is cheating and the possibility of an STD.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

lamaga said:


> It's ok, Hope, we can agree to disagree.


Wow, you don't think someone deserves to know that they may be exposed to an STD.

Wow.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree with Try, SadSam, Thor and others who feel that it would be good for you to get a closure on this by confronting her, and as Try elaborates, it can be done without drama. Also, it would be morally good to notify OM's wife/gfs

Here's an idea how you could do all of this.... 

1. Draft and Print an anonymous letter about her cheating etc. Make couple of copies
2. Send them to the gf/wife of OM(s)
3. Now, Send one copy to yourself as well 
4. When you meet the ex show her the letter as-if someone sent you the letter to expose her
5. At this point if she denies etc... do what Try mentioned (no drama, change topic etc) 

This way, (1) you don't need to tell her that you looked at her emails, (2) you can confront her and get a closure, and lastly, (3) you also do a good service by notifying OM's wife/gfs.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You might be interested in reading the letter that jinba, another member, recently sent to the OWH to alert him to an STD. It was very well-written.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45186-exposure-letter-written.html

And Iamaga, there is nothing "junior high" about telling someone they've been exposed to an STD. What's junior high is to ignore a serious health issue and hope that by some miracle they get treated. Chlamydia has no symptoms and renders women sterile. HPV can cause cancer, and if you have the cancer-causing strain you must be more closely monitored than the average woman. We don't even need to go into the realm of HIV. Herpes is manageable, but not entirely curable. This is how these diseases spread, because someone was too "junior high" to tell the truth.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

There is no crime so bad as looking at her email. 

Someday, they will not only register sex offenders but also those who have read other peoples email. 



This might even be worse than being ........... wait ..... for ...... it ............................................. controlling.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Have this thread moved to the Coping With Infidelity Forum where it belongs.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> They are also against cheating, didn't seem to influence your ex much did it?
> 
> Do what another poster did here in the last couple of days, actually call the cops and try to report that you ex has been reading your emails. Beprepated to get blown off as a waste of time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Adultery is still illegal in many states, yet it doesn't get prosecuted much, if at all. 

There are many laws and criminal statutes that are on the books in many states/countries that are never prosecuted. Those who want to report such matters don't know the criminal justice system. 

They're not going to waste valuable court time on something so trivial when they have things like fraud, assaults, robberies, burglaries, stabbings, shootings, etc, etc, etc to prosecute. Sure, anyone can file a report, it doesn't mean it's going anywhere. I think there was a single case somewhere by an overzealous prosecutor trying to make a name for herself and it still hasnt gone anywhere.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*My idea was simply to tell her that I know and leave it to her imagination as to how I found out. Let her make a dozen phone calls trying to figure out who blabbed.*

At least this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

When you expose her to all parties, be prepared to find out that at least a few of her friends already know but have also been told that you ate the one that cheated, that she only did because you did.

That's one of the lines of bull I've dealt with.

Cheating wives remove all goodness from their being but ramp up the good girl act to all concerned.

Tell everyone who has potentially been exposed to diseases.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

> My idea was simply to tell her that I know and leave it to her imagination as to how I found out. Let her make a dozen phone calls trying to figure out who blabbed.


+1 for this method.

Keep in mind she could very likely try to take her kid away from you, don't resist that and have him decide it himself. Also hide any valuable items in the house since she has access to it, you might want to change the locks as well.

Question, why don't you have any bio kids of your own?


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## domah (May 18, 2012)

I know your blood is still probably boiling over this; however, my advice may be counter to what you would like to do:

Forget her, and move on. The more you dwell on her, the more you try to screw up her life the more it will eat you alive. What she did was horrible; however, in the eyes of the law, she did nothing wrong. The more you piss her off, the more she will be able to destroy you financially; you see, in a marriage and divorce, women have all the power and they know it.

If she become bitter with you, she will unleash the power of the state on you. You said you were married for 10 years, so already you will owe her lifetime alimony, the family courts will likely give her custody of your children with you paying child support. Do not do anything to her. She will bring up anything you do in family court, and family court does not take male anger very well.

Chalk this up to a life lesson learned, and before you even think about re-marrying, please read this: Wedded Abyss


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Put her on Cheaterville.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes, and email her the link to her picture there.


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

Just wanted to follow up and let everyone know how it went down. I saw a therapist last Friday and he said the simplest way to handle it would be to write a short email saying what I needed to say. He also told me that I have been enabling her to pursue her lifestyle (entertaining new boyfriends and having sexy weekends every week) by having custody of her kids. I've been the responsible one while she's been selfishly pleasing herself. He told me that in all truth, responsibility for the kids is not truly mine, and he recommended I send the youngest back to her so she can do her duty and raise him.

Here's what I wrote:



> I just wanted to tell you that I know about the affairs. I know you have been seeing other people for many years while we were still married.
> 
> My therapist has advised me not to loan you anymore property. If you need a carpet steamer, please find one yourself. You should also expect to take back all of the stuff in your closet. I want [her oldest son] to load up the Blazer and bring all your remaining stuff over to your place sometime this weekend.
> 
> ...


I have gotten no response to this yet whatsoever. But I have talked to her youngest about moving in with her and he seemed fine with it. She told me a couple of weeks ago that she was making arrangements to take him.

Also, the therapist said that by exposing him to our private busienss and getting him upset with me, that could be considered a form of child abuse! The youngest has an appointment with the same counselor coming up next week and SHE is going to take him to the appointment! I really hope he pulls her aside and tells her all about it.

Oh, and someone asked me why I have no kids of my own. Honestly, I just missed my chance. When I met her back in 2001, I was 28 and never had any kids with my first wife. She had her tubes tied, so there was no way she could have kids without some expensive procedures. So I opted to not have any of my own.

Oh, and to ice the cake, I took a last-minute trip last weekend to Dallas to see Dave Matthews. Had a great time and forgot all about her nonsense!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Excellent e-mail. Good job.

She hasn't answered it because she's in panic mode and thinking of how much you know, who you may have told and how she's going to cover her as* if you ever do tell anyone. 

Smart move with having her take the younger kid. I know you'll miss him.


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

I dont know about panic mode. I heard through the kids that her boyfriend was in town this weekend and she rented a hotel room for them to stay in. Right now, she's living in fantasy land and hiding from the reality that she is a liar and a cheat. I've heard from others that she is posting on FB saying how she's so in love with her new boyfriend.

Yes, I will miss him. But they need to be together. Its the way it has to be.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

PainBelow said:


> Oh, and someone asked me why I have no kids of my own. Honestly, I just missed my chance. When I met her back in 2001, I was 28 and never had any kids with my first wife. She had her tubes tied, so there was no way she could have kids without some expensive procedures. So I opted to not have any of my own.


This makes you, what, 39? You're still young and the women you can pursue are still in their childbearing years.

Maybe, go to therapy to find out why you tend to marry questionable women? And stop making the same mistake the 3rd time?


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## PainBelow (Nov 11, 2011)

Yes, I'm 39. And from what I've observed, most women my age (or in their 30s, anyway) already have kids and don't want more. At this point in my life, I'm not sure I even want any. Hell, I don't even want a girlfriend at this point. I think I'm going to have to take a few years and get my life in order.

My therapist told me that I am a very trustworthy person. You can trust me with your life. And therefore, I expect the same behavior in others. Because of this, I trusted her to always be straight with me. I was in love with her for a long time and I created an environment of honesty and trust, and she took advantage of it.

At the time we met, there was nothing questionable about her. There were times that she would cry spontaneously for no apparent reason, and when I asked, she would say she didn't know why, or would cite reasons such as disappointment with her own life. (e.g. I don't make enough money, my career sucks, etc.) Looking back, I wonder if it was because of her guilt for cheating on me. I'll never know.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

When you come out of the funk you're in now, you should see that there are lots of women all over the world. So, your pick of women can be global.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Well done on the letter.

Make sure to change the locks on the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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