# When do the images go away



## Joe Boomer White (Jan 10, 2021)

It’s been about 3 weeks now that I found out that my wife cheated on me, with 2 different men in a months time. She says it’s because i was absent from 
The marriage both physically and emotionally, and I was! So she went on a sexless marriage support group on FB and found support I guess. She found two or more interested partners and she made arrangements to meet up with one, she had sad didn’t like that he supported a certain political party and she stopped after the first experience. She was at the same time communicating with another younger man and she setup a time and place and they had sex three different times. I found out about these infidelities because she told me herself, I find this to be evidence that I was absent! However we were having sex during the beginning of her search. She says she was, ‘looking fo fill a whole I had left’! After the second time she realized that it was not filling the gap she had, she needed more than just the physical she wanted it all! 
After four days of us constantly fighting we came to terms with our own responsibilities as to why she cheated. And since then we have had the most amazing sex of our20 year relationship. It’s getting better counseling starts this coming week and I trust that we will do what we did to cause the cheating to happen again! BUT a I need to get the images and the ‘mental movie’ of her cheating out of my head! It keeps me awake at night and I HATE it! 
when and how does it go away?


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## MTO (Jan 10, 2021)

Please don’t let her to blame you for her cheating. I can’t believe you pull up with this ****. She did what she did because she like it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Cheaters always blame the cheated on spouse. Unless she is truly sorry and completely repentant by taking full responsibility, then not sure how this will ever really heal.
As for the images, they may stay for a very long time, thats why adultery is so damaging because the intimacy is ruined.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

bad marriage fault 50 -50

have a PA full blame on WW

having lots of sex after a PA is called HB hysterical bonding

HB lasts for about 6 months


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

good sign is she confessed

triggers - mind movies never go away

with years they happen less often and they pass faster


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Joe Boomer White said:


> It’s been about 3 weeks now that I found out that my wife cheated on me, with 2 different men in a months time. She says it’s because i was absent from
> The marriage both physically and emotionally, and I was! So she went on a sexless marriage support group on FB and found support I guess. She found two or more interested partners and she made arrangements to meet up with one, she had sad didn’t like that he supported a certain political party and she stopped after the first experience. She was at the same time communicating with another younger man and she setup a time and place and they had sex three different times. I found out about these infidelities because she told me herself, I find this to be evidence that I was absent! However we were having sex during the beginning of her search. She says she was, ‘looking fo fill a whole I had left’! After the second time she realized that it was not filling the gap she had, she needed more than just the physical she wanted it all!
> After four days of us constantly fighting we came to terms with our own responsibilities as to why she cheated. And since then we have had the most amazing sex of our20 year relationship. It’s getting better counseling starts this coming week and I trust that we will do what we did to cause the cheating to happen again! BUT a I need to get the images and the ‘mental movie’ of her cheating out of my head! It keeps me awake at night and I HATE it!
> when and how does it go away?


Do not buy this crap from her. Classic blameshifting.

as for when do the images go away, never. They fade in time but the memory lingers.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The mind movies are a common topic of betrayed people. The general consensus seems to be that they last a very long time.

The flip side would be that those who don’t have the mind movies or big painful events don’t show up at this place. You have to keep in mind there is a lot of opinion bias on these forums.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Joe Boomer White said:


> It’s been about 3 weeks now that I found out that my wife cheated on me, with 2 different men in a months time. She says it’s because i was absent from
> The marriage both physically and emotionally, and I was! So she went on a sexless marriage support group on FB and found support I guess. She found two or more interested partners and she made arrangements to meet up with one, she had sad didn’t like that he supported a certain political party and she stopped after the first experience. She was at the same time communicating with another younger man and she setup a time and place and they had sex three different times. I found out about these infidelities because she told me herself, I find this to be evidence that I was absent! However we were having sex during the beginning of her search. She says she was, ‘looking fo fill a whole I had left’! After the second time she realized that it was not filling the gap she had, she needed more than just the physical she wanted it all!
> After four days of us constantly fighting we came to terms with our own responsibilities as to why she cheated. And since then we have had the most amazing sex of our20 year relationship. It’s getting better counseling starts this coming week and I trust that we will do what we did to cause the cheating to happen again! BUT a I need to get the images and the ‘mental movie’ of her cheating out of my head! It keeps me awake at night and I HATE it!
> when and how does it go away?


When you divorce and fall in love with someone else. The love is what gives them their power, once the love goes to someone else then it's and they because just some ****ty person who treated you badly that you used to know. It's amazing how that works.

If you don't then probably years. I can show you posts from people who are still suffering and think about it every day for decades.

Your wife is not your only path to happiness. You shouldn't waste your life you only get one.

Frankly as far as I can see it's addition by subtraction. If it takes your wife ****ing a bunch of guys for you guys to have great sex your sexual chemistry is probably terrible. Your desire could be driven by your fear of losing her. That will eventually go away.

Besides someone who would do that to someone they love is not a great or safe person to be married to. What happens if you get sick will she once again open your marriage. How about if she gets sick do you get the same privilege or it only her? I mean what she did is worse then anything you could do so do you get to step out now? What about when you have a bad fight, will she call her hookups? Nah it's like being married to a crack addict. You are in for a very hard life.

You have not solved any problems in your marriage unless you address her giving herself the privilege of acting immorally because she was unhappy. She should have threatened to divorce you and given you the choice that was the moral thing to do not put your life in danger. I hope you both got tested fors STDs by the way.

Seriously dude what are holding on to? You sound like someone whose spouse hits them and then says "well I deserved it because I was disrespectful."

Your wife is no prize.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Joe Boomer White said:


> She says she was, ‘looking fo fill a whole I had left’!


She was probably speaking metaphorically rather than literally.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

She is playing this word for word out of The Cheater's Handbook. Word for word. 

Were you abducted by aliens and living on a distant planet for a year with no means of communication with her? Did she file a missing person report and start going through the divorce process in absentia? 

Did she ever come to you and express that she was feeling dissatisfied and having concerns about the future of your marriage? 

If not, then she cheated because she is a cheating ho. Cheaters cheat due to their own character and selfishness and not due to what their partners are doing. 

Now if you have intentionally been rejecting her and denying her and avoiding her, then you do have some marital and relationship issues but her choice to go out and find other men and hook up with them is 100% on her. 

The sex you are having now is called "Hysterical Bonding" and it is a very temporary primal response (in an instinctive attempt to flush out the other male's sperm so that your genes get passed on) that will come to crashing halt in a matter of days or weeks. 

The whole thing about this other man being a Trump supporter is the biggest hogwash I ever heard. That was just her way of saying he was just a player that pumped and dumped her and hasn't returned any of her texts. 

This was simply a cheating ho scoring some schlong on the side and she has you pegged as a simp and a beta provider that is so desperate to cling on to her that she knows that you will now be doing the "Pick Me! Dance" and will be buying her things and taking her on vacations and doing everything she asks around the house in an attempt to keep her. 

She is manipulating and playing you as a simp and a beta. 

I suggest you Read, "No More Mr Nice Guy" as soon as you can and start watching Richard Cooper and Strong, Successful Male videos on youtube immediatly. 

I'm not trying to put you down, we have all been there done that and have all learned the hard way. You need to educate yourself, get your balls back and then make a rational and educated decision on where to go from here.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

She cheated, AND as she should know since you two were still having sex, sex doesn't fill the void it sounds like she was needing filling, which is her emotional needs. So 1, she needs to stop seeking emotional needs through seeking sex, because that doesn't work, and two, sex isn't enough in a marriage. You need to be connected emotionally. 

You probably will not get the image out of your head. And just having good sex isn't all she needs, so glad you're doing counseling. Maybe you can get through counseling and feel like this doesn't have to be the focus of your marriage and start communicating more. Wishing you the best.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You know what the most common thing that betrayed spouses do when they get cheated on? They blame themselves. They start thinking about what they did wrong because they are in control of themselves. The cheater is more than happy to encourage that delusion. There are no perfect spouses. 

Your wife has gotten on the internet and ****ed random guys. Then told you about it. Your reaction was to say “sorry honey, I’ll do better.” The great sex is definitely hysterical bonding. When you finally feel secure again you will find the feelings of betrayal and resulting resentment are going to make you miserable.

think about your reaction to your wife’s cheating with random internet dudes. She went back for more three times with one. I doubt she will not get the itch for random sex again. With your response, what do you think she will do? You’ve shown her there won’t be any consequences other than you working your ass off to try to keep her happy.

Mind movies now? Get ready for the HBO miniseries that she will play a starring role in, in the future.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Joe Boomer White said:


> ...since then we have had the most amazing sex of our20 year relationship.


That's called hysterical bonding and it doesn't last. For me it lasted a week, maybe two, then I was suddenly disgusted by her. It took 7 months for me to force myself to sleep with her again and close to a year for those feelings of disgust to go away. 



> It’s getting better counseling starts this coming week and I trust that we will do what we did to cause the cheating to happen again!


It's far too soon for anything to be getting better. It's just more lies and illusions added to the pile. 



> BUT a I need to get the images and the ‘mental movie’ of her cheating out of my head! It keeps me awake at night and I HATE it!
> when and how does it go away?


Never. With time and work it will happen less frequently and have less of an effect on you, but that won't happen any time soon (months or years, not days or weeks). In fact, with therapy it will actually get worse first, not better. Infidelity is the gift that keeps on giving.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I just can't understand these men that get cheated on by their women and their response is to blame themselves and go into hysterical bonding. Pathetic, and yucky, lack of self respect, I guess.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Rob_1 said:


> I just can't understand these men that get cheated on by their women and their response is to blame themselves and go into hysterical bonding. Pathetic, and yucky, lack of self respect, I guess.


Come on man, really? That's the best you could come up with? Both men and women freshly betrayed are in shock, confused and a mess... And they often don't act like u expect 

Sent from my SM-G988U using Tapatalk


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Rob_1 said:


> I just can't understand these men that get cheated on by their women and their response is to blame themselves and go into hysterical bonding. Pathetic, and yucky, lack of self respect, I guess.


Very helpful and supportive. Are you a therapist by any chance?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> I just can't understand these men that get cheated on by their women and their response is to blame themselves and go into hysterical bonding. Pathetic, and yucky, lack of self respect, I guess.


I wonder if its definitely more of a man thing. If my husband cheated the last thing I would be doing is jumping into bed with him, in fact I doubt I ever would again. Maybe its a sort of 'man taking ownership of my woman again' thing?
I do feel sad when we see so many men who come here and do blame themselves when their wives cheat, usually because the cheating wife tells them its their fault and they believe it. Unless the cheater takes full responsibity then how can the trust be rebuilt and the marriage work?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

This is a hard question, because you are asking the wrong question. The right question is “why do I have these mind movies?” And the answer to that is: you have a brain that’s functioning the way it is supposed to in response to trauma. And yes, you’ve been traumatized. 

And no you can’t make it “go away” without resolving and healing that trauma, you do not heal the trauma by hysterical bonding sex with the person that traumatized you. You do not heal that trauma with a marriage counselor that tells you to “take responsibility” for your part in MAKING YOUR SPOUSE **** AROUND, and “your marriage will be STRONGER” because your wife got penetrated by random dudes. 

Get yourself a counselor, one for JUST you that doesn’t buy any of this bullshat about this affair being ANY of your fault. Get someone who will work with you and the trauma and for Gods sake wake up and realize that it is 100% her responsibility to prove to YOU that SHE is worth keeping around, not the other way around.

Here is a glimpse into the future from someone who is living it...You have tons of hysterical bonding sex which is always the BEST EVER SEX, and you twist yourself into pretzel shapes to accommodate your wife’s weak sense of self and ego. And you think, wow this great, “we” can fix this and we are going to be happy forever!!! Yay! And then one day you find out she’s cheating on you again, and the sex, love, effort, and vulnerability you are giving her gets stomped and burned and she takes a big fat dump on all of it. It will make the pain you felt the first time seem like a paper cut in comparison.

In the end the cheating isn’t about you, it’s all about the cheater, and she hasn’t addressed the real issue of why she chose to eff around on you. That would be much harder to do and doesn’t include you at all in figuring it out... that is facing ones own darkest deepest demons and confronting them. And cheaters are too chicken **** to confront anything, which is why they are cheaters, so the chances of this happening are almost nil. Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> I just can't understand these men that get cheated on by their women and their response is to blame themselves and go into hysterical bonding. Pathetic, and yucky, lack of self respect, I guess.


The best way to understand it is that is it the same thing as women who stay with men who beat them, and then blame themselves.

We as a society have gotten to the point that we understand a relationship like that is immoral and demeaning to that women, marriage and society itself. We can see that the women is not well and needs help.

Eventually as we evolve we will get to the same place when the men do this. As it stands now, inevitable you will hear comments such as "well you are a better man then I am", like there is anything good about this. Oh for the the day when staying in a relationship is no longer see as being honorable.

It's this ******** romantic idea that staying is being honorable or suffering for love, even that love has anything to do with this. That love conquers all but there is no love when your partner abuses you, which is what affairs are. All of this wrong thinking contributes to this. 

We need to empower people to see they are in abusive relationships and help them leave. In exactly the same way we all understand that that women need to leave the guy who just gave her the black eye.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Please update when you have either consulted with one or more lawyers, gotten your proverbial ducks in a row and have filed for divorce or plan to soon. Or when you can give one single good reason based on WW's words and actions beyond her confession, not reminiscing about the past, why you have not. I.e., please update when you've found your self respect and demanded better from your wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

sokillme said:


> The best way to understand it is that is it the same thing as women who stay with men who beat them, and then blame themselves.
> 
> We as a society have gotten to the point that we understand a relationship like that is immoral and demeaning to that women, marriage and society itself. We can see that the women is not well and needs help.
> 
> ...


Very well said.

20some years ago, I was probably in the camp that saw people “fighting for the marriage” as honorable and courageous. I was raised to believe that marriages and even non-marital relationships were some kind of higher power that people needed to fight for and sacrifice for and that the cuts and bruises one obtained on the field of battle were badges of honor and courage.

Now I just see them as cuts and bruises and whatever other injuries one incurs. 

I’ve raised my kids to get away from those that harm and mistreat them. 

There is no courage or honor in staying with someone that harms you whether it be through physical violence, mental torment or infidelity. 

It’s sad when a person or relationship doesn’t live up to our hopes or expectations. 

But to remain is simply subjecting yourself to more pain and torment when you don’t have to and believe very very few people if any actually have to in today’s world.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Simple answer to the original question: *the movies will go away when you know you are safe. *


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Please update when you have either consulted with one or more lawyers, gotten your proverbial ducks in a row and have filed for divorce or plan to soon. Or when you can give one single good reason based on WW's words and actions beyond her confession, not reminiscing about the past, why you have not. I.e., please update when you've found your self respect and demanded better from your wife.


Well... I’d love to hear an update regardless, but your way is the best. 😂


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Sadly you did not get the memo from your WW that you were fired as a H. Don't blame yourself. Your WW could have spoken to you about it and let you both work on the marriage together. You never got that opportunity.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> The best way to understand it is that is it the same thing as women who stay with men who beat them, and then blame themselves.
> 
> We as a society have gotten to the point that we understand a relationship like that is immoral and demeaning to that women, marriage and society itself. We can see that the women is not well and needs help.
> 
> ...


And I think fear, a deep fear of being alone after so many years, splitting custody, finances, property.
Changing every facet of ones life rather than just “working” on the relationship. Not wanting to be a divorcee, minimizing the impact to assuage the fears. The deep sense of panic that takes over when facing down the unknown future is very powerful, powerful enough to override sense and rationale.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"
She says it’s because i was absent from 
The marriage both physically and emotionally, and I was! "

This is 100% BS -- you should NOT take any blame for HER CHEATING. Yes, you can take blame for issues in the marriage, but CHEATING is 100% on HER. YOU didn't cheat due to issues in the marriage did you? NO.
SHE did. If there were THAT many problems in the marriage, then SHE should have divorced you, and then she could have done whatever she wanted. DO NOT accept even 1% of the blame for her cheating.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How it looks to me? She tried out a couple of guys but they were no better than what she has so she’s staying in the marriage — for now. Hopefully, I’m wrong and she’s changed and things will be different going forward. As far as mind movies, etc., they stick around. That’s part of the price.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

QuietRiot said:


> And I think fear, a deep fear of being alone after so many years, splitting custody, finances, property.
> Changing every facet of ones life rather than just “working” on the relationship. Not wanting to be a divorcee, minimizing the impact to assuage the fears. The deep sense of panic that takes over when facing down the unknown future is very powerful, powerful enough to override sense and rationale.


Which is why we need to empower these people.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Very well said.
> 
> 20some years ago, I was probably in the camp that saw people “fighting for the marriage” as honorable and courageous. I was raised to believe that marriages and even non-marital relationships were some kind of higher power that people needed to fight for and sacrifice for and that the cuts and bruises one obtained on the field of battle were badges of honor and courage.
> 
> ...


Yeah, one day adultery is going to have it's me too moment. Where attitudes are going to change and we will look back in surprise and horror at how it was romanticized. When I first got on these sites 5 years ago, when I would say things like (relationships with high levels of abuse are immoral) there would be a lot of push back, now this sentiment is common even on SI.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

sokillme said:


> Yeah, one day adultery is going to have it's me too moment. Where attitudes are going to change and we will look back in surprise and horror at how it was romanticized. When I first got on these sites 5 years ago, when I would say things like (relationships with high levels of abuse are immoral) there would be a lot of push back, now this sentiment is common even on SI.


I would really actually like if society went this way, it seems like it’s been normalized over the past few decades. 

I also hope the OP is actually reading these posts, we may have scared him away. 🙁


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

QuietRiot said:


> I also hope the OP is actually reading these posts, we may have scared him away. 🙁


A lot of these guys want to hear that buying flowers and going away to a cabin in the mountains for a weekend or a lot of foot rubs will win her back. 

Those things can make one feel empowered and have some semblance of control over a situation and can make one feel like they can actually do something to fix the situation. 

But when you hear that it is a character issue within the WW and it is based on selfishness and lack of integrity and that no amount of flowers and foot rubs will fix it, then there’s nothing left to see here. 

Then they go over to SI so they ask about whether French or Italian candlelight dinners are best for getting someone back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

QuietRiot said:


> I also hope the OP is actually reading these posts, we may have scared him away. 🙁


He recently started another thread on basically the same topic so maybe he’s focusing on that one — or maybe not. Some posters don’t like the advice they’re given.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

sokillme said:


> Yeah, one day adultery is going to have it's me too moment. Where attitudes are going to change and we will look back in surprise and horror at how it was romanticized. When I first got on these sites 5 years ago, when I would say things like (relationships with high levels of abuse are immoral) there would be a lot of push back, now this sentiment is common even on SI.


YES...and someone said something on another thread about a cheating, lying partner isn't SAFE for them...and I never thought of it that way, but it's SO TRUE!!!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Joe Boomer White said:


> It’s been about 3 weeks now that I found out that my wife cheated on me, with 2 different men in a months time. She says it’s because i was absent from
> The marriage both physically and emotionally, and I was! So she went on a sexless marriage support group on FB and found support I guess. She found two or more interested partners and she made arrangements to meet up with one, she had sad didn’t like that he supported a certain political party and she stopped after the first experience. She was at the same time communicating with another younger man and she setup a time and place and they had sex three different times. I found out about these infidelities because she told me herself, I find this to be evidence that I was absent! However we were having sex during the beginning of her search. She says she was, ‘looking fo fill a whole I had left’! After the second time she realized that it was not filling the gap she had, she needed more than just the physical she wanted it all!
> After four days of us constantly fighting we came to terms with our own responsibilities as to why she cheated. And since then we have had the most amazing sex of our20 year relationship. It’s getting better counseling starts this coming week and I trust that we will do what we did to cause the cheating to happen again! BUT a I need to get the images and the ‘mental movie’ of her cheating out of my head! It keeps me awake at night and I HATE it!
> when and how does it go away?


Send her away and start dating a human.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This infidelity gets 4 yuks out of 5.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Um, NO.

The issues in the marriage are 100% on the both of you. No question.

*Her choice to cheat is 100% on her and her alone.*

I'd be outta there before you blink.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Laurentium said:


> the movies will go away when you know you are safe.


They will also go away when you recognize COMPLETELY that you are not, nor have you ever been in the past, nor will you ever be, "safe", with this person.



frusdil said:


> I'd be outta there before you blink.


Now, some 34 years after D-day, I completely and wholeheartedly agree. I have to admit, however, that I had to "do all I could" to try to "save" the marriage, in keeping with the unbiblical, horse$hit teaching I received in my first 30 years of life from the "church"....

my current DW and I promised each other there would be an absolute, zero-tolerance, one-strike-you're-out policy.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Joe my man, your bigger problem may be how long it takes for the mind movies to go away for her.


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