# want out but feeling so bad......



## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

hi
feel very lonely, finding it very difficult to speak with friends and family as i feel i'm airing my dirty laundry so to speak. any advice will be gratefully received...
long story, together for 17 years, married for just 7, three children of 14, 12 and 10.
he's the confident, strong person and i'm the quiet, compromising person...i feel that throughout our relationship that is all i have done..compromise.. to keep the peace..keep everything ok.
i have got to the stage now where i feel i cannot 'do it' anymore..the marriage that is....i feel so physically and mentally drained. we have had some good times but we have also had some terrible times and i feel i never pushed for a resolution after those terrible times..to keep things peaceful and good for the kids i accepted him saying he didn't want to talk about his behaviour and we've just carried on but now i feel all these past bad times hounding me all the time, why did i just let these things go... why did i not make a stand at the time..why did i not leave....i'm not talking about physical abuse but mental abuse...feel i have been walking on egg shells for years....
finally plucked up the courage and told him how i feel and that i honestly could not see us going any further...this was 5 months ago now...i am still in the same place...same position...feel myself almost going mad...so stressed...have no nails to speak of..all chewed away......
and why am i still in the same position....well he said he would change, that he could not live without me...that i was his life...that all he wanted was me and the kids...nothing else matters except us.....why would i want to destroy what we have....if we separate he would have to move back to the uk, we moved to france in 2006...his idea...but he has not learnt the language etc...he cannot not do anything to help here...but i know he is using this as an emotional tie... i do not want his relationship with his kids to suffer because i can't stay in this marriage....but he will be in another country....
sorry about all the ramblings....
it would be great to have someone elses perspective...obviously there is much that i haven't said but i hope you can understand the gist of it
thanks in advance...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Could you please descibe some of the emotional abuse that you say he has done?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Getting the gist but not enough of it. You both from the UK and now live in France? Or are you French and he moved back to your home country to look for work and can't find any?

Is he working now and providing for the family? Is there a financial burden that has lead to emotional abuse??

I can understand where a wife is coming from with how you feel. My wife told me something similar before she left. Felt emotionally drained etc. If I could rewind time, I think I believe I could have salvaged the marriage. Let us know more detail and let's see how we can help you.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

sorry obviously didn't give enough info the first time..
its quite hard to explain what its been like, i have read many letters here and can empathise with many.
my husband controls not in a physical way but by making me feel stupid or making me feel that i wasn't respecting him and making me feel quilty..it even goes so far that sometimes i have to question myself and my morals...whos right..whos wrong.
started off with very small things.. wanting to be with me not wanting me to go out with friends etc and in the early stages you tend to do whatevers necessary as you're in a happy place..
he is very opinionated and always judges new people as suspicious whereas i always treat everyone as good unless proven otherwise.. he is also very pessimistic, the glass is always half empty..why do things always happen to us...
we moved away from good friends etc as it was easier for his work, he works offshore so is away for 2 weeks and home for 3. During this time he can and will phone whenever he wants to and i must answer the phone, be pleased to speak with him and never be impatient..even if he has phoned 10 times already that day. also must have something to say and even the children now know that they must answer the phone when it rings and must listen.
if someone breaks something.. he hits the roof and i mean really over the top.... so much so that things are hidden if broken and if the children do break something you can see them quaking in their boots.....
he does apologise later but i feel this is too late..the damage is done and an apology is nothing then..
he doesn't like to do anything on his first weekend home or the last weekend before he goes which leaves one weekend when we can see friends etc
the children cannot have playdates at home or at their friends during the whole time he is home
when we lived near my family, my family could not visit when he was home unless he suggested it
we never go on holiday unless he suggests it
never buy anything unless he allows it
money is also controlled..although he does not deal with any bills or tax forms etc but he expects there to be money and wants a breakdown of all spending if we have less then he thinks we should have
then on the other hand he will suddenly spend and treat the kids without a thought to whether we can afford it at that time..
he also promises treats to the children... like going to the park etc but always changes his mind when it comes to it..
he expects the children to be tidy and help in the house but he does not share the chores at all, he does cook but everything else if left to me... the children now are at the age when they can see the hypocrisy and i find that really hard to explain.
my eldest son now is 14 and is at that age where he has opinions and wishes to express them..now my son is not rude and always respects adults but when he questions something you would think that he has just sworn at my husband ..he goes mad and calls him a smarta..se etc its really hard to listen to and i have spoken with my husband about this but he seems to feel too threatened by his own son to change his ways..
there have been drink related incidences in the past, once he insulted his sister who we were staying with at the time, we then had to leave, he refused to stay at hers, i had to drive us to a local hotel (with my son who was 2) in the middle of the night..when i questioned it he slapped me around the head.. my son was screaming..so i carried on to the hotel and then we left early the next day for the long drive home..thats the only incidence of any physical abuse
another time on holiday we had an argument, have no idea what about, he got so drunk that he messed himself and as we were leaving the next day i had to clean everything before we left at 10 the next morning..
another time again drink induced, he threatened to take our new puppy and leave him somewhere where he knew he would run off or get hurt. i was so scared that i was sitting in the dogs bed with he dog because i knew he would do it and eventually i took the dog upstairs to my sons room for the night
after any of these incidences and that is just 3 he has never apologised for them...won't even let me discuss them nothing..we have to just continue...
now i have got to the stage where i feel i can cope with no more..i have not real feelings for him they have all been washed away...sometimes i don't even like him...
so i told him last oct and he fully realised i was serious and realised he didn't want me to go and has been of impeccable behaviour since...so much so that now i feel the bad one if i leave and how can i do this to the children....
we have still had a couple of episodes.. my son kicked the football and broke a very small pane of glass in the door...the door is that old that it has glass of 1mm thickness totally unsuitable and we've been meaning to change it..the reaction was ridiculous and my son was so upset.. he apologised later to us and said that i am making him so stressed....
reading this back its almost shocking to read but i have to think of my 3 children, i'm at home now fulltime so financially i am not independent at the moment..plus we would have to move house again...its my children i feel for and although they do get very upset with their dad at the end of the day he's their dad.


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

minimix said:


> hi
> feel very lonely, finding it very difficult to speak with friends and family as i feel i'm airing my dirty laundry so to speak. any advice will be gratefully received...
> 
> ...i feel that throughout our relationship that is all i have done..compromise.. to keep the peace..keep everything ok.
> ...


I could've written the same post. Feeling tired and worn down from all these years of suppressing myself just to keep the peace. Sigh. We had the "talk" about 2 months ago, and "talk 2" recently. He had a similar response as your H... Ie throw everything away, etc. I'm emotionally divorced... And have been for years. I don't "hate" him, but cannot imagine growing old with him. We have nothing in common anymore... Except for the kids; ages 12, 10.

I haven't offered anything constructive to your situation. Sorry. Just living a similar trapped life.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

hi
thanks for replying Fakehappy... you sound just like me..sad isn't this existance...
i was reading through this forum yesterday and reading other people who are in our husbands situation to see if i could understand more or whether it clarified things but to be honest i felt worse after..most of the comments for men who have had their wives tell them that they do not love them any more or can't go on was to become 'dominant'.. that its 'the wives fault for falling out of love' and that we just need to 'snap out of it'...felt really disheartened afterwards as i feel i could not have possibly given more and that its almost reduced me to the looney bin and i'm still living it....
good luck


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Wow. Please yes think of your children.
This is the example they are getting. It's helping to shape who they are, it's changing them.

They deserve better and you deserve better. 

You can all move somewhere suitable and they can still see their dad, but his behaviour is abusive. And your children need protecting from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

I hear you, minimix. I've been going through the motions for years and I guess that I just don't want to do this any more. Life is mostly tolerable and I can see how many people just blunder through life like this. But life shouldn't be tolerated. It should be happy each and everyday. I do find moments of happiness during my days, but it's a conscious effort to see the good/positive in things. 

H is very serious/negative and sucks the life out of me; and I've told him that. Ever since we had our "talks", things have become marginally better. he's putting in effort bc he has everything to lose. he's not a bad guy and would be quite a catch for someone, but I guess I've become indifferent over the years. 

And for those who may think I'm high maintenance, I'm not. We both work and earn similar wages. I take care of all the home admin, 90% of house chores, all the admin related to the kids, etc. the issue is, I really don't need a H who doesn't add value to my life.


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

Minimix,
One thing I do to cope with the stresses of the relationship is exercise. You need to talk care of yourself and find something that gives you a daily escape. If not exercise, a hobby that you can tune out all the chatter in your head. I escape to the woods and take long walks. It's a great distraction, clears the mind, and gives me energy to cope with my reality. Just a thought.


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

minimix said:


> hi
> thanks for replying Fakehappy... you sound just like me..sad isn't this existance...
> i was reading through this forum yesterday and reading other people who are in our husbands situation to see if i could understand more or whether it clarified things but to be honest i felt worse after..most of the comments for men who have had their wives tell them that they do not love them any more or can't go on was to become 'dominant'.. *that its 'the wives fault for falling out of love' and that we just need to 'snap out of it'...felt really disheartened afterwards as i feel i could not have possibly given more and that its almost reduced me to the looney bin and i'm still living it....*
> good luck


I could've written that myself, word for word. This is exactly what I'm going through with my H (who sounds very similar to yours in some ways). Any attempts I make to talk to him and express why I'm unhappy about things ends up getting turned back on me, that it's my fault for feeling that way, that my perspective is flawed, that I'm choosing not to be happy. I have given my entire adult life to my H and to the marriage, and I'm drained emotionally beyond description. Too many withdrawals from my 'love bank', not enough deposits...my account is overdrawn. My H will never see it that way. I'm sorry for what you're going through. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself physically and emotionally. I cannot stress that enough.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

hi
thank you both for your replies, its encouraging to hear from others but also sad as you are both going through the same.
i will take your advice and start looking after me, i look in the mirror these days and see my mum as i feel i have aged so much in the last year!! not a bad thing i know, i love my mum, but just shocking to see the effect.
one thing i've thought of since is when i have spoken with my H about things and i mention incidences that have happened he completely denies that it has happened...its really bizarre...after we moved to france the idea was i would be a sahm for the kids and H, especially as we had just completely moved away from our famillies and friends but after 2 years my H thought it would be best if i worked....he was really agressive in his approach, saying things like if i didn't find a job we would have to move back, kids would be disrupted again, that i was causing the problems we were having..etc etc..so i started looking for work, not easy with limited french and no childcare (i'm a nurse, so shift work - difficult when your H works away for 2 weeks out of 5), i think it took me 4 months to find a job and in all this time life for me was very difficult as he reduced me to tears many times and we had many arguments.
i also had to find work where i was still available to run and collect him from the airport (1hr 20 min drive), if i expected him to take the train then again we would have to move back, he couldn't possibly take the train, i was making life too difficult for him!!
Now 4 years down the line he says how proud he was that i was able to find work and that i became a valued member of the team at work etc etc when i mention that i had felt very pressured to get a job he can't understand why... he is completely baffled as to why i feel he pressured me!!
i really find this bizarre and unnerving.. what other incidences or joint experiences have we had and we have completely different perspectives on what happened..??
has this happened in your relationships??


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

Your husband is SO much like mine in many ways. What it all boils down to is that he sees HIS needs as the ONLY needs that anyone needs to worry about. Further, your H, like mine, behaves as though your needs don't exist apart from meeting his needs. Examples: insisting that you get a job, but putting so many limitations on it because you MUST be able to pick him up at the airport because HE NEEDS you to chauffer him around. When he's home, HE NEEDS everyone's schedules to revolve around his...therefore, no play dates for the kids, no socializing with friends. Whenever you try to voice your needs, if they aren't in line with his, he cannot fathom why you could possibly even THINK about that! 

So his "not remembering things" the way you do is really about manipulation and control. During the time he pressured you to look for a job (but yet put up obstacles along the way), that was all that mattered...it's what HE NEEDED you to do. So, after you got a job and that need was satisfied and he got his way, now THAT is all that matters to him...HOW his need got met (and how he hurt you in the process) is immaterial to him. It's water under the bridge for him now. Believe me, no matter how much talking you do, you will never convince him that he pressured you or hurt you. He will continue to turn it back around and screw with your head and make you feel like you're the one with the problem. 

That's what living with a completely self-focused spouse will do to you. They don't WANT to understand your feelings...they don't WANT to admit that their bullying behavior is wrong, because it gets them what they want. Now his "stellar behavior" lately makes you feel guilty about not being happy in your marriage...EXACTLY where I'm at right now. My H told me during our last argument that he will not listen to any complaints I have about him that happened more that one week ago. What's in the past is in the past, and I can either choose to go forward and be happy or not, but there will be no "holding grudges" any more. As though he wiped the slate clean and I'm supposed to just snap out of my unhappiness over things that have occured over the past 19 years. Well, sorry to say, it's not that easy...so I have gone back to my old ways of pretending things are OK even when they're not, hiding my feelings because he makes me feel like I'm crazy for having them...but this time in my "silence" I am beginning the process of planning a divorce. I can't allow him to return everything to his "status quo" once again where I suffer in silence. I feel that I have exhausted all options except to leave him.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

you are so right, reading your words really shows me whats been going on...and then when you mentioned that your h will not look at past incidences more than one week in the past..those are the exact words my h said...
'we have to wipe the slate clean and move on...from now on you are the most important thing to me...you can spend money if you want i don't care...if you want to move we will move...etc etc and he has become soooooo letchy, he won't let me out of his sight...he continues to touch me all the time...and i'm finding it really hard as all my feelings can't be just wiped clear...
i really really know what i should do, deep down really its all i have been thinking about...but knowing his personality i know that i will be the 'bad guy' and he will use that in front of the kids...
'mummys decided she doesn't love daddy anymore....' 'i have to move out....but i can't live in france so its mummys fault that i have to move to the uk and therefore not see you guys...'
god its going to be awful.... i know deep down that he can be truely hurtful, if he can say hurtful things to me when he 'supposedly' loves me then what on earth is he going to be saying when he knows its over....??


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

My goodness. Very similar situation here. We were posted abroad for many years. We both worked and his job was always more important than mine, in his view. If he needed to travel for work, I couldn't travel. His priorities were work first, gym second, and kids third. My priorities were family, work, and me always last. We never had date nights, ever. Early in the marriage, i suggested date nights, activities, etc. Hardly ever happened, and after kids, it never materialized. Nothing for Valentines, nothing for anniversary. over the years, i just gave up. lost the energy to suggest going out, and stopped being hopeful that he would even acknowledge our anniversary. 

When the kids were ages 5 and 3 respectively, I was getting completely burned out and decided to be a SAHM. He's ego had become completely inflated with his fancy job and now me, being dependent on him. That was probably my biggest mistake; forfeiting my financial freedom. After one year as a SAHM, i checked out a banking program for execs returning to work. H did not approve. In retrospect, it was down to him being controlling and wanting to be the king of his empire. After a few more years, his job situation was getting stressful and he pressured me to find a job again. Not so easy when you're in a foreign country and don't have a work permit. 

Yes, he was under a lot of stress from that period, and I "dutifully" supported him throughout the period. Did I say anything when he shoved me in his rage? Did I intervene when he shoved/muscled my son for no reason? No. Because it would fuel his rage and I was uncertain if it would put him over the edge. I did promise my son that if he ever did that to my son again, we would leave. How dare he threaten us like that!

Fast forward to today. We returned to the US and both are working again. My job has empowered me as I have financial freedom again, and if we split, I could afford the mortgage and raising the kids. 

During talks 1&2, I raised most of the issues cited above. The physical aggression -- he doesn't remember. Sorry, but those incidents are permanently seared in my son's and my brain. regarding his inflated ego, He now says he's a changed person, that he's made mistakes, and that he doesn't want to lose me/kids. He discounts my feelings, emotions, and anything he doesn't want to hear or agree with. He knows that I'm unhappy. 

In a way, I took the blame for not speaking my mind all these years. At the same time, how could I if he constantly dismissed my feelings and thoughts? When I raised issues in the early years, he always got angry and told me that I was looking for trouble where there wasn't any. Classic line. After a while, I gave up.

On valentines day, he wanted to go out to dinner. what?! Never in 15 years has he ever asked to go out. never wanted to go before, so why now? because he's afraid that I'll leave, rightly so. Aside from me/kids, he has no support network; no close friends and a distant relationship with his family. I think he's desperate bc he's been doing laundry and washing dishes. Perhaps this effort is to appease his own conscience for all the crap of the last x years. I'm sure he thinks this is a passing phase and he'll revert back to his old ways once he thinks I've calmed down. Sorry, nice effort, but it's too late. 

Obviously there's a lot more to this, but can't purge it all here at once. Can't believe that there so many similarities to these situations. If we didn't have kids, I definitely be out.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

it is uncanny the similarities..
maybe i need to get back out in the job market..not easy with my profession and the fact i could be on my own with 3 kids..
like wise if it wasn't for the kids i would be gone..no question..
i feel the same as you that i am to blame for keeping my mouth shut in the past when i should have said something.. i was too compromising.. too much of a doormat..he could say and do absolutely anything and because i was scared of his threats i kept quiet..how i wish i had said something in the past... he actually turned round to me the other day and said i was demanding and hard...i asked a friend if i was and she said that i was the opposite of those things..she had never known someone who was so compromising and accommodating something that in the past i would have said was a good thing but now in hindsight i realise those traits of mine have almost lead us to this place we are in right now...
my h has 3 very strong sisiters and a strong mum who was on her own for some of his childhood..i know and have known that he would not be able to cope 1 minute with living with one of his sisters, she would tell him how it is..and tough...i just wish i had been more assertive.
he phoned last night and wanted to talk and i couldn't believe he said that everything was improving....i just can't fathom him out anymore..
i actually stopped him and said no actually things are not improving its just i've gone quiet and everything is exactly the same... he said last week that he would never take me for granted again.. so i asked him last night that is things were improving what was he doing different or what had changed from before..he couldn't answer.. he said i had to tell him what to do and then he'll do it... i said no... he had to see what needed to be done and then do it....
i'm not talking about difficult things here.. if something happened to me he would not even know who provides our electric, water, when the bills are paid, how often the kids have reports, when we need to see teachers etc etc. its not that i want him to take these chores as his responsibility its not that its the fact he never shows any interest in our lives at all, he treats the place like a hotel when hes home.. in fact worse as i even have to pick up his underwear off the floor.....he left for work the other day saying things were going to improve and i went to bed that night and saw his dirty boxers just lying on the floor...all these things sound really petty but after all these years of feeling used its just too much.. and then with him thinking things are improving.....i just don't know what more i can do or say to make him see....


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

If you go back to work, it'll give you some validation outside the home. It'll also give you a place where you'll feel appreciated and valued; something that we don't get from H. 

Sad to say, but I chuckled about your reaction to your H's boxers. When I do laundry and see H's giant pants, I feel total resentment towards him. My mind begins the internal dialogue of "effing big clothes, takes up so much space, makes more work for me, etc. Pure resentment. It's very sad bc I can feel the stress rise with such a mundane chore. They say to "not sweat the little things", but if the big things are not in place, the little things will drive me mad. For me, it feels like i have a third child; a grown child who is a spoiled brat, who rants and raves, but to whom I cannot yell at bc he'll rage and discount what I'm saying. Bc he's so crafty with his words, it hopeless to discuss/debate anything bc I will automatically lose. My words will be twisted and suddenly it's my fault. For this reason,talk #1 was initiated via email. I prepped my msg during the week, and emailed it to him when I went for my hike. He was mortified, but it did get the "talk" started. Very unpleasant and of course, he made me feel like its my fault. during these "talks", he tells me that I'm "hostile" and hurtful. I don't like confrontation so it's natural for me to retreat inwards. It's so much easier to go through the motions than speak up. So is it my fault for not wanting to argue? And if I raise an issue, I'm considered hostile and hurtful. I can't win. This sucks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

I also agree with your view of not having to dictate what/how H should do. His actions should've self-motivated, not dictated. My friend, who has her phd in psychology, tells me that there are many women in marriages where the H has typical symptoms of Asperger's syndrome; poor facility to read social cues, self-absorbed, etc. Her theory is that most men have borderline aspergers tendencies, but obviously professionally high function. My point is that I take care of the children and home matters w/o being told what to do; I'm self-motivated. He should be able to do the same. If I died, he'd have a rough time figuring things out, but he'd eventually manage. After all, he manages his fancy job fine, right?! Ive concluded that H is simply a spoiled brat who wants everything his way with no consideration for me /kids; basically Self-centered and a control freak.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bad_Wife! (Mar 12, 2013)

> I really don't need a H who doesn't add value to my life.


Oh, that hit close to home.


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

speak up Bad wife...sometimes it helps to talk...


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

my h said the same thing to me.... i musn't keep things bottled up and i must talk to him...every time after i mentioned something he immediately jumped on the defensive and said i was being destructive...one of the things i mentioned to him was that every time he would have a joke he used derogatory comments about me... he would comment on my weight (need to lose a stone.. whereas he could lose 2) and then say he was just joking....he would comment with the kids that i was grumpy and then say he was just messing around....so i kindly asked him if he could not use negative comments..we all enjoy a messing around but when all the so called jokes are on me it gets a bit much...he completely turned it round and said he was just playing and what would life be like if we can't have a joke or 2 ......

just want to say a big thank you for everyone who has taken the time to reply to me..Thank you


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

one other thing...my h keeps saying that the easiest thing to do is walk away....to me thats the hardest thing and one that i wish i had the guts to do and i wish i knew that my kids would be ok and i wish i knew everything would work out...
the easiest thing is to become a doormat, say nothing,, and slowly die each day.....


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## Waking up to life (Nov 29, 2012)

minimix said:


> my h said the same thing to me.... i musn't keep things bottled up and i must talk to him...every time after i mentioned something he immediately jumped on the defensive and said i was being destructive...one of the things i mentioned to him was that every time he would have a joke he used derogatory comments about me... he would comment on my weight (need to lose a stone.. whereas he could lose 2) and then say he was just joking....he would comment with the kids that i was grumpy and then say he was just messing around....so i kindly asked him if he could not use negative comments..we all enjoy a messing around but when all the so called jokes are on me it gets a bit much...he completely turned it round and said he was just playing and what would life be like if we can't have a joke or 2 ....


This is CLASSIC behavior of an emotional abuser. Read this: Signs of Emotional Abuse | World of Psychology I believe you will find it describes your husband to a T.


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## Nicola12 (Apr 1, 2013)

Hello,

I have just been reading your post Minimix and I am wondering how you are? 

I never write on any boards ever but your stories (FakeHappy and others!) are so similar to mine I can't help but wonder how you are today?

I'm in that 'searching' mode now. Trying to find answers. I now know I am in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship. I've even discovered the term 'ambient abuse' to describe my relationship. I chuckled when I read about your OS experiences, the laundry situation, the twisting the words around. All the same here. My H is actually an amazing Dad so I find it so confusing. We've been together 21 years and have 3 kids (b/w 10 and 6). But I feel invisable and although there are tons of good things they are interweved with nasty and critical and belittling comments. I am sure he has no idea. 

In fact, his abuse is so subtle that I doubt anyone would believe me. That's how I discovered Ambient/stealth abuse. I could not believe what I was reading a few weeks ago. So true for me. But SO subtle. 

I am financially dependent upon him although for the first time this year I have a half time, 12 month contract. My field is the only place in my relationship where I can excel. I feel so lucky to have my job as I have been so surprised when people compliment me. it's really helped me realise I am good at something and dear H cannot criticise me here as I am being recognised. This has been a huge eye opener and I realise how much confidence I have lost. At home I am paralysed, at work I have energy. At home I think I am a good Mom but when he arrives home I become hopeless.

I just feel like I can't leave and I cant stay. I'm worried about certain threatening (but irregular) behaviour towards kids when he is great in other areas. But not sure how much I can really take. I'm surprised at my ability to keep enduring. What does this say about me?

Anyway, there is so much more to write but I really just wanted to make contact and see how you are and how your decisions are going. Your situation sounds awful Minimix and I hope you are finding some courage from somewhere.


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

For Minimix and those who are in a similar situation, I offer this link as something that has helped me cope from day-to-day. 

Positive Thoughts


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## Who Knew (Feb 21, 2013)

Fakehappy said:


> For Minimix and those who are in a similar situation, I offer this link as something that has helped me cope from day-to-day.
> 
> Positive Thoughts


Sorry to hear your situations. I am in the same situation, only I am the the one that neglected my wife and she is checked out. I would love if you could give me some ideas on what would help your situations. We have attended mc for a year now. I do almost all the house work and taking care of the kids. Work full time, give her space, and try not to pressure her. Imagine your husbands doing these things. What more could he do? I understand it takes time but after 1 year I still get no affection at all. Would love to hear your ideas. Thanks.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

Who Knew said:


> Sorry to hear your situations. I am in the same situation, only I am the the one that neglected my wife and she is checked out. I would love if you could give me some ideas on what would help your situations. We have attended mc for a year now. I do almost all the house work and taking care of the kids. Work full time, give her space, and try not to pressure her. Imagine your husbands doing these things. What more could he do? I understand it takes time but after 1 year I still get no affection at all. Would love to hear your ideas. Thanks.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fakehappy (Mar 15, 2013)

Well, glad that you're doing chores and taking care of the kids. That helps and enhances your relationship with your children. My H is doing more of that and yea, it does help and makes life more tolerable, but don't expect to get extra credit for shared parental duties -- moms fulfill these roles silently and generally get no thanks. 

He recently proposed a weekly lunch date, and although it is a thoughtful gesture on his part, it seems very awkward after so many years of neglect. How do we go 15 years with minimal effort and now think that it's a good idea. When I proposed such activities in the early years, I was ignored. But now it's a good idea?! And of course, H will be annoyed if I don't comply with his new idea. If its his idea or gesture, it's a good one? How does this make any sense? You wonder about affection in my situation? Sorry. I've checked out emotionally and don't subscribe to the concept of obligatory affection. As I told H, it's my body and he can't force me to do anything I don't want to. This is one aspect that he will never control. This is my 2 cents based on what's going on in my particular situation. I doubt that this marriage is salvageable, but there is a chance that I can stick it out until the kids go to college -- for the sake of the kids. H is not bad guy - professionally successful, physically fit, etc, but he's just not someone i can see growing old with anymore. There is too much distance between us, and we are no longer compatible.

Not sure about your situation, but I'd advise you not push W. if you get frustrated and complain about lack of affection, that will not result in getting what you want... And may even push her farther away. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hi, all!

I couldn't even finish reading the posts on page 1 because they made me sick! I am about 18 months AHEAD of all you ladies! I left my narcissistic manipulative STBXH almost a year ago. (figured out he was narcissistic from TAM...previously just thought I was crazy!)

In October 2011, I told my STBXH of 19 years that I wanted a divorce. He talked me into staying through the holidays. I left in May 2012 at the end of the school year and I have NEVER looked back! (Have also only SPOKEN to him one time...July 2012, have never spoken to him since!....a VERY blessed relief). Yes, we have a 15yo child. Yes, he (like your husbands) had a "scorched earth policy"...if I was going to leave him, he was going to try to ruin my life! He told our then-14yo that I had cheated on him repeatedly, that I used to be a stripper, that the FBI has a file on me that would PROVE I was a cheater....all kinds of crazy shyt. Our child believed him until she came to me to inquire about it. I told her THE TRUTH (that her father was angry I was leaving him, and so he wanted her to HATE me.) That everything he told her was a lie (which it was). She and I have an EXCELLENT relationship and she sees her father for who he REALLY is (as do his 24yo & 41yo daughters!) Expect this and be prepared, but you CAN get out of this alive with your hearts and minds in ONE PIECE! You CAN find happiness in living again....living WITHOUT him!

I am HAPPY every single day (whereas before I was merely 'existing'). I feel loved, respected, happy, joyful, hopeful, ready to embrace life (and I'm 56yo).

You all KNOW you need to get out of your sick, twisted, emotionally-manipulative relationships. NOW, before your children's ONLY childhoods are any more ruined! Your marriages are ensuring that your children will have equally screwed-up relationships...because that's what you have modeled and that is what they are COMFORTABLE with (they won't like it, but they'll find a similar relationship 'predictable', therefore 'comfortable').

*PLEASE, want more FOR THEM! Want more for YOU.*

Read the following books. If you can't buy them, then go to amazon.com and download the FREE kindle reader app. You do NOT need a kindle, you can download the app to your computer. Go to amazon.com, go to the kindle section, look for download Kindle to your PC for FREE and download it. You can NOW buy the books you need cheaply via electronics and it will DOWNLOAD to your computer IMMEDIATELY upon payment. You can "highlight" in your book, put a "bookmark" in the pages, etc.

"*Codependent No More*" by Melody Beattie - work ALL THE QUESTIONS at the end of each chapter.

"*Who's Pulling Your Strings: How to Break the Cycle of Manipulation*" by Harriet Braiker

"*In Sheep’s Clothing – Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People*" by Dr. George Simon

I started with Codependent No More and it helped me understand how problems from my childhood had allowed me to be manipulated by my STBXH. You HAVE to do the work at the end of EVERY chapter...don't just READ the book. WORK IT!

I am now almost through with Who's Pulling Your Strings and just READING the descriptions of the manipulative personalities was like reading about my 19 year marriage (23 year relationship). Flippin SCARY, but SO accurate. This book also gives you STRATEGIES to break the cycle of manipulation. Really an insightful and important read.

In Sheep's Clothing was recommended to me by another TAM poster who had TWO manipulative former spouses. He decided to do a lot of self-study and "fix" himself before he got into a third (he says HAPPY) marriage.

I wish ALL OF YOU POSTERS peace, joy, serenity, happy children, fulfilled lives! I don't know if I'll come back to THIS THREAD again as it really does make me physically ill to know there are THIS many sick, twisted manipulative people in the world and this many spouses SUFFERING like I was! I wish I could reach through the screen and pull EVERY ONE OF YOU into *my* world! I got a job after 10 years as a SAHM. My bills are paid ON TIME. I have savings. I feel IN CONTROL for the first time in decades. Please feel free to send me a PM (click on my name above my avatar and select "send a private message") if you have questions, need more book recommendations, if you need me at all. I am HAPPY to help, but it's hard to be HERE in this thread because my 'escape' has been so recent and it's emotional for me to be here!

Please promise yourself to KNOW this peace soon....before you're dead (physically or emotionally)!

*My love and peace to ALL you *posters (men & women) who are so beaten down and unhappy. There is a way. It's a step at a time. Once you get out, you will feel IMMEDIATE relief...and it only gets BETTER from there! 

*hugs*
SlowlyGettingWiser


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Something for all of you - 

When you are with a manipulative person, they have gone through what the shrinks call the "evaluation phase" with you in order to figure out all of your emotional buttons.

So they know how to make you feel guilty, ashamed, confused, angry, afraid, hurt - you name it. False flattery too. To them these are little levers they push to get what they want, and when they're in trouble they can turn on a dime and lay down a thick billowing cloud of "I'll be everything you want me to be, oh I'm so sorry..." B.S. when all else fails. Boy have I fallen for that!

Walking on eggshells is a classic symptom. The claim that you need to move forward and forget about the past instead of empathy for how you have suffered. The explosive temper. Cutting you down and then saying it is a joke. 

Keeping you in a state of physical exhaustion and mental anxiety is a tactic they specifically use to keep you weak and malleable. *SlowlygettingWiser* mentioned some books. Learning about how they are manipulating you is one very big help. Someone else suggested exercise - yes, absolutely. Exercise, diet and sleep. This is a war and a soldier needs to be at peak physical performance to deal with this. 

I agree with her about how much better you are going to feel out of their clutches. They know you better than you know yourself and the tactics are relentless. If you feel a burden lifting when they go and feel apprehension when they approach - that's why. They're a stone around your neck, not a spouse.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

You know the big question is how we leave? I talked to my husband last night about how I was feeling, and he snorted at me.. he always makes me feel like I am stupid for feeling the way I do about our marriage. We have a blended family and it is a nightmare, and he actually did a print out of the bank account that we share together, to see what had been spent by me for the (my) kids and myself. (the kids are older.. teenagers and 20s) I only spent 50 out of his account, I keep my own account because I don't want to listen to his crap.. I am currently in school to be a Paralegal.. and was a SAHM.. until he left me in 2009 because he wanted to spend more money on him and his son, we were separated for a year, then stupid me took him back, should have just stayed single... My big problem is my Mom passed in 2011 and my dad now lives with us (it is my parent's house though) and since all I get is student loans, my dad tell's me you need to be more financially secure before you separate from him, and defends him a good deal of the time, I want OUT NOW>> I feel like I am going crazy and it is all I think about everyday, and he hates my kids even though he says he does not even after 12 years. I was recently found out that I have ADD, and was thinking that maybe that is why I have been having so many issues with our relationship, but who wants to be with someone who is MAD and Negative all the time??? So I started looking for a job, those are not easy to come by these days, I have a few opportunities, but not any close to home, I would love to move, but I do have my dad to consider even if he makes me mad sometimes.. I wish someone had the magic answer for all of this, but I have not found anyone who can give any sage advice on the best way to get out of this situation, I have decided it is pretty much over, especially if he is not willing to take any steps to fix it, then why should I keep trying.. I am going to get a job, talk to my dad and see what he wants to do about the house and ask my husband to leave..because talking about it does no good without action eventually... Good luck to you.. but it sounds like you have answered your own question as to the fact that you need to GET out before you have wasted anymore of you time and energy on someone who does not care about you!!


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## minimix (Mar 12, 2013)

hi
sorry i have been so quiet recently....thank you for all who posted

my heads been in a real mess...and yes i'm still in the same situation but and its a big but...know that when he returns this time then this is it....

when he was home the last time I just couldn't continue...felt a right mess...still felt i was going mad....just felt it was like i was pretending...
he was up and energetic every day... wanting to get all the chores done...all the maintenance bits done...etc in fact alot was started but not alot finished...and it was still I who had to clear his mess after his latest attempt to impress me!!
i said to him then that that's it..no more...i didn't feel good... i was shaking and nervous....i wanted this great weight to lift off my shoulders but it didn't happen....
i was hanging out the washing, waiting for me to feel better, that i had finally done it...(he had gone for some cigarettes - he had given up but yes you've guessed it I had forced him to start again) when he got back he asked me if we could just delay it til our son has done his exams (important ones this year)and til Oct when i have stupidly booked this holiday and you can guess what i said?????? yes ok (in my head i was saying yes lets continue to flog this dead horse!!)but i couldn't and didn't say it out loud...
now he's away again and i can get my head straight and i know what ii must do etc etc i can talk to my brother and friends and they understand...but i know when he comes back i just become this weak, stupid woman.
but this time i have said to myself that i have to tell him its over (must be the 5th time)and stick to it..i have to find strength somewhere
i hope you can all read this and not despair of me... i know this seems so obvious to you all but so hard for me...and i can understand all your comments...
i think the hard thing is that i am totally alone here in france, no family at all, no-one that i can turn up with kids and dogs in tow if i have to.
i would love to hear your comments it always gives me a massive boost.... he is due home this wed... and yes i have to collect him from the airport!!


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Okay, ladies, I'm not going to write the same things that you've already written. You've both already told my story. Here is the one difference, though. My husband is disabled. He blames everything on his pain, and on the medications he's taking. When I bring up the emotional abuse, he throws that back at me, and I have such guilt, I don't know what to do with myself. I've seen the hurt in our 9 year old son's eyes when he gets berated for some minor infraction. It breaks my heart. 

Then, when our son came to me and asked me to step in and defend him rather than speaking to his father after the fact, so that our son didn't have to see us fighting, my heart shattered. Still, our son loves his father with his whole being. Since my husband is disabled, he's always been at the house when our son gets home from school. He's been the one to make sure he gets on the bus in the morning. I'm the one at work who has a difficult time making it to the parent/teacher conferences on time. 

I'm sick of worrying. I'm sick of walking on eggshells. I'm sick of crying. I don't want to cause permanent damage to our son by moving him out of his dad's house. Like someone else said, if it were just me, I would already be gone. But it's not only me.


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## mikee (May 2, 2013)

i am a 35 yr old guy married 11 yrs almost, and also feel for all of you. I am one of the rare occasions, i think? I have no debit card, checkbook or credit card, for yrs i have bent overbackwards to make her happy. Have 2 great little girls, i entertain, take to dance, feed most of the time, and they insist that i give them baths, (little stinkers) I am calm and dont get worked up over minor issues, like clean house, dirty laundry, or spills or breaks. I also would be gone in a heartbeat if i didnt have my little ones, and i often think that they are better off with me around even if it means a little dysfunction and some fighting. My wife has great intentions most of the time, and wants to be a good person, but honestly ive never experienced such selfishness from anyone in my life. I recently discovered she had an emotional affair, one would think that would be enough to push me to end it, but nope, i dont want to hurt others. sometimes i wish i was raised in a little more of a dysfunctional family just so i could put myself first, does that make sense? anyway although i am a guy, your stories relate to my life closely. I carry a baby picture of my wife on my key ring to remind me that she is the way she is because of how she was raised, it eases me and kinda makes it seem worth feeling the way i do a lot. At one point we were going through a really rough stage and i remember my mom telling me that everyone is responsible for thier own happiness. I try to live by that, i know in the long run the best thing for me to do would be cut my losses go and start over, but my wife has a mouth and struggles with relationships, i know a lot of good men that may make the horrible mistake of laying their hands on her if they heard some of the things ive had said to me, im scared to death my girls would see so much i dont want them to see, just my 2 cents good luck


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## hehasmyheart (Mar 11, 2010)

Narcissist....ie....spoiled brat. His mommy never taught him to share and care about anyone but himself. At least, this is the conclusion I've come to with my controlling husband. It's scary to me that these are the men (....boys) of today. My husband's tantrums (....what people call anger issues today) are literally nauseating to me anymore. I risk my health staying in this marriage for my kids....but what example is he ANYWAY??

After reading Mikee's post, I want to say it's not just men, there are of course women like this also. It's the princess mentality, so it just seems worse somehow when it's a man with the me, me, me disorder. I'm sorry if I sounded like I was stereotyping. When I watch the news, I do tend to think men are a big problem in the world today. I'm extremely resentful of my husband and my situation, so I don't mean to say all men are that way, kind of just venting.

Mikee, just know you'll be a good example on your children. The things you said DO make sense, btw. Anyone's issues are largely a result of how they were parented and role modeled for, as children.


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## mikee (May 2, 2013)

No i really didnt think anything wrong with what you where stating, didnt even think you were sterotyping. I just understand the terrible feeling that comes along with this type of relationship, man or woman. Just dont understand why its so hard for people to take care of eachother the way they should? Im not perfect but im really confident in 2 things, they are being a good dad and being a good husband, it comes easy to me. 

If you truly care about somone than there are certain lines that should never be crossed. Petty arguments and fights absolutely a part of good relationships, but good god the selfishness, unreasonableness, and emotional affairs i have experienced are enough to break a person. 

If you love somone you better show them, because there are people out there who could and would!


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