# Tired GF Toxic Family



## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

I'm tired of the dysfunction in my girlfriends family.

I can go on and on about the details but long story short--these people have no boundaries, no limits, enmeshed, and I'm tired. A few years ago I came here looking for answers because this same girlfriend was living (she's in a wheelchair) in a full on hoard house with her mother. Fast forward 2 years and some change later we are now living together and the madness will not stop. Her mother and her older sister are by far the most controlling people and will do anything to lie and manipulate others. So much so that when my GF wanted to move out 2 years ago we had an entire FAMILY MEETING where her mom announced she wanted to move into a brand new home with her and my GF Uncle would help foot the bill. I was blamed for not helping, for not say hello, not taking enough, for people not knowing me, and her entire immediate family made me and her out to be a bad person.

I moved in for an entire year, to not only help and assist with my GF, but to help with moving and watched as her mother did nothing but throw away large items of things but the junk she wanted to keep was all over the house and to this day nothing has changed. I sat for an entire year in that hoard house and no one ever came by to get to know me and now 3 years later they do. 3 years later after speaking on our relationship, the relationship with my own son, living 15 minutes down the freeway in a nice clean and gated apartment complex, and me taking care of my GF full time now they want to get to know me? She was in on this bandwagon too but she never stood up for us because her mom and sister would take it out on her or whatever other excuse she had. She had both her mom and her sister in our home helping her and they were simply terrible. Her mom who only came by one day a week and her sister 3 times (mind you they both got paid as if they were their full time) would argue with her, make snide comments to her, and subsequently they are no longer helping--which has been the next issue that has been going on.

I'm tired of being in the middle of their messy situations and I'm also tired of her family ignoring the fact that they've treated me HORRIBLY over the last 3 years. I even recently offered to speak to everyone again and try to make amends but that idea was thwarted by her older step sister who wants for my GF and her sister to "goto counseling" which is a asking alot. Now me and my GF are at odds because at this point I don't want any of them in our house and I don't want to come around--not at all. I don't care if it's a friend of the family I don't want them around. She agrees because GF and her sisters most recent argument was over GFs mom dad and sister celebrating their birthdays on OUR ANNIVERSARY. Her older step sister even tried to convince her to MOVE HER PLANS.

Enough is enough and I'm putting my foot down--whatever happens happens at this point. I'm not going to be around blaming, shaming, manipulation and anything of the sort. I don't like to be a victim and I like to find solutions to issues but this family LOVES TO BE TOXIC and I'm done coming around for good. I'm tired of being the scapegoat, the excellerent, the reason why and why not, and in my mind 3 years is enough. I've done all I've could to help, with her and her family, now it's time I focus on myself and my obligations. I've come to the full conclusion that my GF doesn't see what I see and that will eventually be our demise.

If anyone has any advice, comments or help that I may need to consider please let me know.

Also I understand that she is in a wheelchair--my GF is a full time school teacher, drives, and can take care of herself for the most part so this as independent as she can be.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sometimes with very toxic families the only solution is to totally cut them off and even move away. It does depend on whether she would agree to that or not.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Sometimes with very toxic families the only solution is to totally cut them off and even move away. It does depend on whether she would agree to that or not.


For the most part she agrees but I’m not sure if it what she truly wants. For years prior to me she was the person who was at events without a significant other by her side. I was her first boyfriend in awhile and she was so happy to have someone to bring around, for herself, she didn’t see how her family wasn’t very accepting of me. Before me she was very much dependent on her mom and her sister and I don’t think she realized how much that would further exacerbate their issues. I became the object of their ridicule and her family tends to blow that part off because “it would have been anyone it’s not about you” as her older step sister so eloquently puts it. But the reality is—it is me, I’m the one who has endured all of this and no one seems to understand.

I’m just sorry that my GF won’t have the relationship with us and her extended family she truly wants. I know deep down she want us all to be friends and share our home with others, to come to family events hand in hand, and to be by her side. I don’t believe she knew how important boundaries were with family and friends, because she lacked them, and this is the ultimate consequence. She was naive to a lot of the reality around her and it’s rearing its ugly head now. I think she was so use to this dysfunctional normal that she wasn’t realistic about brining someone around her family. Her fear of abandonment that stems from childhood coupled with her own trauma leaving her in a wheelchair was the perfect storm for her family to push and pull her as they deemed—and at this point she’ll have a choice to make going forward about how she changes that with them. I’ve put my boundaries down, they’re not welcome here, I’m not seeing them and I don’t want to discuss their drama anymore.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes, you may need to give her that ultimatum of you or them. Moving away is important though, and people have done that.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yes, you may need to give her that ultimatum of you or them. Moving away is important though, and people have done that.


I’ve already let her know that if it comes to that pick her family. She’s not gonna be miserable, upset, mad or have any other form of resentment against me for making her lose contact with her family—at all. Her and her family need to just accept what’s been done is done and there’s no coming back from it at this point.

She has always and will always be free to be around her family—I’m not holding her back from that. My obligation is to her, not them, and until my GF and her family can come to terms with that they will be arguing amongst themselves.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

lawrencebe said:


> I’ve already let her know that if it comes to that pick her family. She’s not gonna be miserable, upset, mad or have any other form of resentment against me for making her lose contact with her family—at all. Her and her family need to just accept what’s been done is done and there’s no coming back from it at this point.
> 
> She has always and will always be free to be around her family—I’m not holding her back from that. My obligation is to her, not them, and until my GF and her family can come to terms with that they will be arguing amongst themselves.


Yet she would probably be far far happier away from them.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

And here in lies the true problem that exists. She doesn’t realize that the happiness, fulfillment and whatever other void she seeks will only be made whole by her own understandings of that very thing—herself. It can’t come from me or her family and until she comes to her own self actualization about that she will continue to be lost. It’s a self fulfilling prophecy at this point and a cycle that she ultimately has to decide how she wants to end. She can either stay on the ride of toxicity and continue to let her family decide her happiness or work on understanding that her happiness will exist with or without them aboard her life. The issue with that will be that she will need to be ready to take full accountability for her life going forward and she stop using her family, friends or anyone else as intermediaries to fight her battles and sources to shift her blame onto. The people pleasing will have to stop and the first time in her life she will need to be able to stand up for herself—alone—and not be afraid of losing anyone either way because she will stand firm in her truth and no one else’s.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

lawrencebe said:


> she will need to be ready to take full accountability for her life going forward


As do you. Move out and disentangle yourself from her family drama. She'll come around or she won't.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

It may or may not be relevant, but I can't but be curious as to why she needs to be wheel chair bound.

As @Diana7 said, you may never find peace until you go NoContact with your gf's family. There is no shame in this. You can find many message boards that talk about this matter. Usually about have narcissistic parents and so on.

I do feel your pain. My mother had all sorts of verbal games going on. I learned to say things like"I'm fine how are you?" to avoid giving any detail that my mother may disparage. I've also learned to ask questions to avoid giving the information or the meltdown that they're looking for; ie "I don't know Mother, what do you think?"

Have you talked with your gf about going low or No contact with her FOO?


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> It may or may not be relevant, but I can't but be curious as to why she needs to be wheel chair bound.
> 
> As @Diana7 said, you may never find peace until you go NoContact with your gf's family. There is no shame in this. You can find many message boards that talk about this matter. Usually about have narcissistic parents and so on.
> 
> ...


Yes I’ve spoken with her and she is aware I’m going completely no contact. She is paralyzed from a car accident she had in college. I think that plays a major part in why she’s around the drama so much.

For instance her SIL made a rude comment or joke about me not being around and my GF was mad at her Sunday. Come Monday my GF is helping to buy party stuff cause her SIL is throwing a surprise party for GF brother—after we had a convo about her wanting to confront her about what she said—I told her it’s wise to know who her SIL is and not say anything just don’t help when she asks for it later and boom does the exact opposite. All of this after GF SIL and brother have been using GF subscriptions for free for years and never gave a dime and cutting them off in the same week.

It’s my GF that needs to figure out what she wants to do at this point because she flip flops feelings. In her own words she said “I can be mad at SIL Sunday and still want to help with my brothers party and come to it later”. Which to me is super toxic and people pleasing at its core. These people have parties 3-4x month btw.

Thanks for all the wonderful help thus far!


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> As do you. Move out and disentangle yourself from her family drama. She'll come around or she won't.


Thats the next step for sure


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She’s unlikely to change at this point. You need to do what’s best for you.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

IF you really love her and want to be with her, you may need to give her the choice as to whether you and she make a life together without them, or she chooses her toxic family.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> IF you really love her and want to be with her, you may need to give her the choice as to whether you and she make a life together without them, or she chooses her toxic family.


Thank you for this and after coming here I made that decision to discuss that very thing today. The issue isn't that she doesn't see how her family treats me, it's how she's responding to it that's not working for me anymore. By continuing to come around, talk and do things for them she's inadvertently showing, whether she likes it or not, "it's him with the problem not me". On my end it looks like she's stringing me along and just saying what I want to hear while not showing a united front nor defending us. If one of us is treated badly by anyone in her family it's both of us and this time she has a decision to make one way or the other or I have to leave. She can't keep telling me that she wants change but does nothing and I can't keep hanging around waiting. She can't just agree with me anymore and do nothing to fight nor work for a change other than just telling me--I need to see action. 

Our lease on our apartment is up this winter and since she says she wants change I gave her until 30 day prior to our lease is up to take action with her family. I need to see something said to her family expressing to them this change AND for her not to be manipulated into changing her mind by any of them after. She's agreed and we shall see but I'm not reminding her. Now it's on me to follow through on what I said because I have to leave for me now. I can no longer stand for being told "I love you and want to marry you spend the rest of my life with you" jazz but her not make a definitive decision out of being scared or not wanting to disappoint her family--I don't know or care anymore--she does have a decision to make. It's either me she wants or them because it truly feels and looks like she wants for either her family or me to make the decision for her, by either them or me getting pissed off and walking away, and none of us are going to do that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How did the conversation go? 

Something to remember is that people who are enmeshed in dysfunctional families usually don't KNOW they are in a dysfunctional relationship. It takes someone outside the dynamics like you to help them see the truth.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> How did the conversation go?
> 
> Something to remember is that people who are enmeshed in dysfunctional families usually don't KNOW they are in a dysfunctional relationship. It takes someone outside the dynamics like you to help them see the truth.


The conversation went as it always does. She agrees and does see what they’re doing—this time she’s the target so it’s much more clear. The main issue comes after the conversation and what she does rather than says. She’s implementing some changes, like not going to parties and financially helping and therapy. I’m hoping this is the start of her really moving forward and healing cause I can understand it’s hard to leave behind family. 

I think the part that she has to work out in her mind is who that family really is. After her accident she probably gained a new found understanding that you can lose everything in one moment--but that's her. Her family moved on with their lives, people got married, bought houses, had kids and she was eventually stuck with her mother who in her own right is still a kid herself. I hope she learns to see that the people you call family are not always your biological family and that's ok. We don't get to choose what family we are born into but we can choose who we call family later in life. She said she wants to be around people now that support her and love her unconditionally which to me was a breakthrough. Her mom won't tell her that she loves her and her sister doesn't even say two words to her now so she's seeing a lot now in a short amount of time. Hopefully it lasts we shall see. I'll update as things progress.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like she would benefit from some counseling.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

turnera said:


> Sounds like she would benefit from some counseling.


Yes it does and it's something I've been putting in her mind for awhile. I don't know how she's ever really coped with her accident that left her paralyzed. I also think that the dynamic that was established with her mother and her sister, being her caretakers long term, caused a lot of lines to be crossed that may need to be worked out. Her mother and sister tend to think that their loyalty to her should trump anything and they've used that against her for a long time. So hopefully she keeps going and does what she feels is best. In the end I know that my decision is final and I'm not coming around her people anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My dad's wife was uber toxic. She crossed many boundaries and I finally cut him and her out of our life, even though they were closely involved in helping to raise our daughter. They never saw her again. And I don't regret it.


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## lawrencebe (Nov 24, 2012)

Right and that's where I hope she comes to that reality on her own. Love and anything associated with it is not supposed to hurt. When we choose to leave people behind who are toxic not because we don't love them anymore or any less. We are saying we don't love their behavior anymore and we love ourselves enough to walk away. Some of us who are fortunate enough to have walked away know this and while it was hard we wouldn't change or regret it like you said.


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