# Your mom or me



## slynn (Dec 13, 2012)

Is it okay to expect my husband to understand that I dislike his mother? We were recently married and she has not made any efforts to get to know me. She is still consumed with his ex and her mother! She spoke to my husband's ex mother in law about our wedding!!! She has pulled some major bs, and I just do not want that in my life!! For the most part my husband knows how I feel about her, but still expects me to "put up with her " what do I do???


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## Honest opinion (Dec 14, 2012)

Your mother in law would have done the same thing with any other girl her son has chose to marry,no one is good enough for her baby ,but be patient it's ok eventually she will change and welcome you in an open heart .in the mean while you have to put up with that...... and show your husband that your love to him is bigger than his mom's hate,he will appreciate that from you and he will put a stop to her and her interfering in both of you .try get her anice gift and the next time you visit her bake something ,show her you care for agood communication ,she will love something like that,hopefully  good luck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you see his mother?

Nothing good will come from you insisting that he walk away from his mother.

What you do is to minimize you being anywhere near her. But when you are around her you treat her with respect.


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## slynn (Dec 13, 2012)

I honestly do not see her very often. However, when I do it is just awkward. It's as if she goes out of here way to make me uncomfortable. Her personal life is a mess. She recently left her husband of 40 years, and talking to men online and sending them money!! She doesn't see that she is being scammed, and gets upset with my husband when he brings it up. 
It's been 3 years since my husband and his ex separated ( a very nasty seperation ) and she is fully aware of everything. His ex was an addict, and cheated on him. But yet she still feels the need to have a relationship with the woman who almost killed her son. This has been going on for so long, I just don't think I have any nice left in me!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Separate your issues.

Stop "expecting" your husband to "understand" that you dislike his Mother.

If you dislike her, you dislike her but he doesn't have to "side" with you, he obviously has feelings for her even if she is bat-sh*t crazy.

Because you don't see her very often, simply emotionally detach from her. If he vents about her, just listen w/o making negative remarks.

Once you stop allowing her to get on your nerves, she will no longer be an irritant to you.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

For me, if you are going to marry someone you need to know how much time they spend with their family and how close they are to those family members. If any of that is going to be a problem, then maybe it is not the best marriage choice.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hmmm... if my MIL was going out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable, I'd ask her why she didn't like me. Maybe I'm weird though. It could be miscommunication between you and her. Have you tried to find out why she acts that way toward you?


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## slynn (Dec 13, 2012)

I'm starting to think this is "just the way she is" My husband isn't overly close with her, she annoys him to no end too. The frustrating thing is I guess because it's his mom, he feels like he has to forgive her. Me on the other hand, I have a harder time doing that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How are things with your family? Does you husband get along with them?


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Slynn 

I sent you a link by pm to another website that has some great advice/support in dealing with inlaw issues. 

For the most part, it's his mom so it's really his issue to tackle. He needs to be the one to step up to the plate with her when/if she gets rude with you. If she's real bad, she'll eventually do like mine did and make her own bed with your H but that's exactly what you have to let happen. Under no circumstances are you to give him any kind of ultimatum. No matter what, don't let her come between you and H.


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## slynn (Dec 13, 2012)

Things with my family are fine, he gets along with all of them.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

well, if it were me, I would tell my mother to forget the ex and get to know my new wife, your husband should stick up for you, mother or not.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

If it was me, I would let my husband know that I'm not happy with what his mom is doing, but I'd also swallow it and not bother when interacting with his mom, since any conflict would be hard for my husband. Unfortunately, we can't just sever ties with our families, and asking someone to side with us against his/her mom is very hard for the other person.
My husband can choose to not tell his mom (sometimes, some moms might overreact and have some emotional explosion and depression, and some of them might have some health issue that can be aggravated by such explosions), but the least I'd expect is that my husband would not side with his mom when his mom is being mean to me. If he tries to defend me or at least end the situation, it would be a plus.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For the most part you marry the family that comes with the spouse. Do NOT try to get your husband to DO anything. This is your problem not his. You knew what you were getting into when you married him. 

What you need to learn how to do is to 'detach'. Read up on toxic people, controlling people or narcissism. There are LOTS of tips in those books on how to deal with difficult people specifically how to detach right before having to interact with them. It's a mental game and one that's fairly easy to learn. Then when you leave you check back in and voila all is good.


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Mavash is right! There is a couple books we've read: Toxic In Laws and Toxic Parents. Sorry can't remember who wrote them, but we found them on Amazon. They both have information that might help both you and H.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

slynn said:


> Is it okay to expect my husband to understand that I dislike his mother? We were recently married and she has not made any efforts to get to know me. She is still consumed with his ex and her mother! She spoke to my husband's ex mother in law about our wedding!!! She has pulled some major bs, and I just do not want that in my life!! For the most part my husband knows how I feel about her, but still expects me to "put up with her " what do I do???


Under NO circumstances do you ever try to separate a person from his/her family.
It will only blow up in your face.Trust me on that.

I dealt with a wicked mother in law for years.She was obsessed with kissing the arse of my exhusband's first wife.She did whatever she could to make me uncomfortable every single time I saw her.
The stress she placed on my ex and on me was huge and damaging.Even though he knew she was wrong and tried to fix the issue,nothing improved.I began backing out of family gatherings and avoiding her the best I could.

The only thing I can tell you is hang in there and it might get better.Hopefully your husband has your back.Kill her with kindness,always be on your best behavior,and above all else treat her son great.Maybe she'll wise up and stop being such a nasty b**ch.


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