# More than a year and ....



## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

It has been more than a year for me since our separation. It was a year in late April. Yet I still can not seem to move on. Nothing has happen between us. No divorce no reconciliation and he is not making an effort to do either. I still love him very deeply and he knows this. I can not let go. I still think about him on a daily basis, and I find myself getting lost in old memories. I still makes me sad to know that we are in this awful situation. I continue to look at my phone every five minutes to see if he called or text me. He used to call me to go out and hang out but now I get nothing. The only reason why I don't pressure him to move on is because I don't want him to file for divorce. But if he really wanted to divorce me, wouldn't he have filed? I still can't let go.....


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I can see myself in the same situation. I am in no hurry for a divorce as I already have closure to a certain degree, but If I was to meet someone new ;o) I have said all along he would have to file, pay for, and obtain the divorce since this was his great plan. But I hope you are moving on with your existence without him while he stumbles along the path? How do you think you would do if he did file for the divorce?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Perhaps it is time for you to call him and find out what is going on.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I admit that in the very beginning I was very depressed that I even lost 30 lbs so at least something good came out of it lol.
Since then I got better I work out, I am still in school and I will soon apply to nursing school, I have a part time job and I am moving on personally. But emotionally I still have trouble. I have been asked out on dates and I always flirt back just to see how far it will go but I can never bring my self to go on with it. On the outside to friends and family I am doing great. But when I'm alone, I feel lonely. I miss him, and just recently I started to cry at the thought of missing him. I have said (not to him) that if he came to me right now and asked me to work things out I will do it! And if he came to me with the papers to sign. I will sign. It will make me really sad, but overall I know I will be okay. 
How long have you been separated?


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

@Bigtoe

The funny thing is that on all those times we went out, he was the one that always called. I never once asked him to go out. Here is my logic: I didn't call him because I didn't want to bother him since he asked for the separation and I knew that he wanted to see me, he would look for me. This christmas he didnt call me for about a month, and when I asked him why he said because he didn't feel like it. I guess I just don't want to hear that again when I knew the answer then and now. =(


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Very unfortunate and I can understand how that made you feel. At some point you may decide that you want to initiate the divorce. I know you aren't there yet, but you do have the option.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

It is getting very hard to pretend as well. Sometimes when I would see him I had to control myself from shouting to him that I loved him, even just to hold his hand. That is just plain sad. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what else to do to move on.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

It is time to change YOUR thinking and quit dwelling on the past. It has been over a year and that speaks volumes of your situation. It is time to start moving forward with your life. It took me about a year to finally realize we were not getting back together again. Once you realize (and yes it is painful) it is over, only then can YOU move forward. Hoping to reconcile is fine but it is time to realize that it just probably won't happen so you might as well prepare for a life without him. Sorry but there are many, many people who have been in or are currently in your boat. For me even after seeing the divorce finalized it is still hard to imagine it is over but I must keep a positive outlook and not dwell on the woulda, shoulda, coulda thinking. It does no good. Think instead I will, I shall and I can do it without him.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I know I can move on with out him, I know that he doesn't want to work things out and I don't dwell in the past. But I was with him 10 years and he was my only one...ever! I know I can move on forward but I just can't seem to do so. I thought that after a year I would feel a lot better about myself. Like I said, personally I am doing well, I am doing well with my education but I just miss him I guess...

How are you doing now?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

PreludeCkN said:


> It is getting very hard to pretend as well. Sometimes when I would see him I had to control myself from shouting to him that I loved him, even just to hold his hand. That is just plain sad. I don't want to feel this way but I don't know what else to do to move on.


I think what would help you move on, give you the kick in the pants that you need, would be to have the divorce finalized. You're holding on because it isn't over yet in your mind. Perhaps having that court declaration in your hands would set you free enough that you could move on.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I think another reason why he or I wont bring it up is because we might be afraid to take that step. And I honestly wont file for divorce, I don't plan to. I just can't bring myself to do it. And yes you're right, I am still hoping that he will change his mind. I guess I'm really messed up lol I dont, I just can't do either I guess


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## everantisocial (Jun 29, 2010)

You have pretty much taken the words right out of my mouth...

That's exactly how I feel. It's been over a year and I still miss him so much. He was my best friend as well as my husband. I have heard nothing from him since February, when he did one of his bizarre things. No sign of the divorce papers....I presume he is waiting to save cash. 

I'm not waiting for him to come back, I don't check my phone and email expecting a call but I can't see anyone replacing him for a very long time. I have never felt this lost or alone. It's horrible.

I know exactly how you feel and how you need to put on a face for everyone else. It's so tiring. I know we will get through it but sometimes it feels so hard.

Take care


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

Well I'm glad I'm not the only one lol. Its hard because after our separation we didn't speak for 2 months . Then we started talking and he would call at least once a week to hang out. But after christmas things changed again. Now after march... I get no invites. I am old for these games! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You may need closure to move on but he obviously doesn't. You are in limbo, and only you can get yourself out. If you think the D will enable that for you than you have to start it going, otherwise you will stay in this place indefinitely (2 years? 3 years? 5 years? the rest of your life?). That isn't healthy so its time to take control of your life back. You may need professional counseling to help you along the detachment process.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can let go, you are just choosing not to.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. Lots of waywards pull this BS--they want out, separate, move on but stall the divorce/separationpaperwork. They do that because it's convenient for THEM (not you).

I would file and be done. of course I knwo you don't want to so if you have any hope left talk to him again and tell him what you want. 

After a year though w/o anything new happening, from the outside looking in, the prognosis for reconciliation doesn't look good. 

Woman up and tell him you aren't waiting around for him anymore. He's either in or he's out. 

There is NO greater hell than Limbo. I am convinced.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I am going to be the one on here to be the direct and to the point person.

1. While he was seeing you, were you two intimately involved?
2. He is not talking to you anymore - hint of OW in his life now so he has moved on.

OK, as for #1 - if you were having sex when you met up, he could have been using that so he stayed in contact with you. As for #2 - well, now he is getting attention somewhere else so he is no longer needing to talk to you.

Whew, that was rude. Sorry PC, but it sure sounds to me that he is just fine not contacting you. Whether it be because of someone else or he is just done with your marriage, it doesn't really matter anymore. It has been a year; if you haven't been to see a counselor, you should really consider that. I know it's very difficult to give up 10 years of your life but you can do it. If you can start focusing on the positive and let go of the "dream" of what was, and appreciate it for what it was and be thankful you were able to have those times, you can open up your heart again and move on. Think of the possibilities, the new experiences. You are now in control of your life so you can do whatever it is that makes you happy. Get yourself back on your feet, go out, date again - it'll help you get your self esteem and motivation back.

I don't say all of the above lightly, but the sooner you realise that he is gone, the better and faster you will be back on your feet. I would call him and ask him when he plans to file. If it's the money, can you afford to file yourself? Unfortunately, it's true what Lon says on here, if you have that divorce decree, it might help you to come to terms with reality that you are really single and maybe that will motivate you to take control of your life, move forward, learn from your past, embrace it, let your H go without anger or resentment and find the things that will make you happy. I am sorry that you had to wait so long to see what would happen but I think a year of your life is fair enough for you to give.

Take the other guys on for going out if you like them. Going out doesn't mean absolute, marriage or commitment, it's just a wonderful way for you to spend some time for YOU and get yourself back out there having fun. Treat yourself to a spa, go shopping, just go out for yourself and I think that slowly you will start to really enjoy your new freedom for a while.

Just my .02 worth.

And I just saw JB's post - take that to heart - "there is NO greater hell than Limbo!" It's like being severly constipated; either sh***t or get off the pot!


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

Thank you all for your opinions it actually means something to me. this whole situation is just horrible. The possibility of him going out with other women has crossed my mind. I could handle the idea but not the actual situation and I honestly never would like to know. Not until there is no more emotional attachment. People tell me the same thing to just file but I think like someone else said he doesn't want to be the bad guy and be cleared of it. I'm starting to feel sorry for myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Prelude, feeling sorry for yourself is not going to get you out of the situation. You can not control his actions, only your own so stop waiting for him to act. You will always be emotionally attached to him in some way, that doesn't mean you are prevented from doing what you need to do to move on.

I know its hard... I too don't want to be the one that has to deal with all of this, but my wayward wife seems just content moving on with her life before cleaning up behind herself with our relationship, why would she bother paying a lawyer for a piece of paper, she has all the freedom she expected now that I've let her go her own way. I'm not happy how things have gone down, but there is little else to do now except take care of myself and my child, I guess life is giving me a new opportunity to make it more what I want it to be, but it is hard to let go of the guilt of a failed marriage. All I know is the more we dwell on the past the less we can look to the future or experience the moment.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

@ Lon I think that most of all I still feel the guilt of a failed marriage. He made me feel that it was all my fault. When did it click for you all. I have it in my head but I can't move, does that make sense ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadmama (Jul 7, 2011)

Your situation sounds very similar to mine - even the nursing school part. Mine also began last April (two days before our 9th wedding anniversary). The "limbo" was the hardest part. It took him awhile to admit that he didn't want to try - I think the worst thing was the second appointment with the marriage counselor he showed up 25 minutes late. We haven't filed for divorce yet, but will be soon - I have been staying home with the kids so I need to get a job so I can have health insurance. 

I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I do know that when I let go of the illusion that he would come back is when I was able to start to heal emotionally - I'm nowhere near done with that process yet, but I was just like you - constantly waiting for a call or text and crying all the time. I think I got to a point that I couldn't forgive all the things he had done - I'm not sure if your H had done anything other than wanting out, but mine admitted to all sorts of things, including having emotional affairs with women via e-mail/twitter. It is hard to get over the "dream" life that we pictured when things were good - or what we thought were good. 

I don't think that him not filing is a sign of anything but procrastination, it may be worth it, for your mental well being, to e-mail or call him and just ask, what he plans to do so that you can plan. I don't know any of your situation as far as having kids and such, but I think I agree with the others - it is awful and it sucks, but you will feel better if you let yourself start to move on and look to the future without him.

Good luck

P.S. I like your verse - my favorite through this has been "I know the plans I have made for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

PreludeCkN said:


> @ Lon I think that most of all I still feel the guilt of a failed marriage. He made me feel that it was all my fault. When did it click for you all. I have it in my head but I can't move, does that make sense ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yip. I think all of us on here feel the same way you do about a failed marriage, grapple with the thought that it was our fault. Actually there is never a divorce where both partners did not contibute in any way to it, but you are not to take the brunt of the marriage collapse. The wayward will always justify his/her unhappiness and actions to end the marriage with something you did. In other words, it's textbook projection of how it was your fault that they were unhappy.

Let it go as soon as you are able to. At the very least, do not blame yourself for something he did - he chose to leave not you. There's one thing the wayward can never shake and that is that they are the ones who gave up and walked out.

Keep your chin up, know that the experience you are going through will make you wiser and stronger than ever once you get through it. We are here if you want to vent. I hope you can find joy again sooner rather than later but never lose sight of the fact that it will take some time.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

PreludeCkN said:


> @ Lon I think that most of all I still feel the guilt of a failed marriage. He made me feel that it was all my fault. When did it click for you all. I have it in my head but I can't move, does that make sense ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't think for me it has clicked or ever will click. I am still in the process of letting go too, but one thing I've realized is that all the guilt and blame my wife has put on me was only half the problem but I was the one who perservered and was at least trying, if ineffectually, to work past the difficulties. Since separating I've been owning up to the truth, and have also found so much understanding by talking to some others on this website.

When our spouses walk away it means they are not willing to work at it, they've decided it is easier and more worthwhile for them to simply move on than do the hard work and make what they started complete. You can't blame yourself for his lack of committment, he is an adult and knew what he was getting into when he made his vows. He has left you holding the blame, even making you feel like an abuser, because it is easier for him to let go that way - it is selfish, but it is based on his fear and own failures, it is toxic for you to hold onto it.

Get to the truth, own it, then move on. If you need help ask for it from here, family & friends, IC etc. Good luck Prelude, I know you will start to feel better!


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I love that verse and reading this gives me hope and feel somewhat better. We separated at his request. He said he stopped trying 2 years ago. I also feel better when he is not around. When he is not around I start to forget our situation I feel happy, yea I think about him I feel sad but I don't dwell over this. It hits me again when he returns and then I see him go. That's when it happens for me. I always tell myself that I don't want to see him for these reasons but when the phone rings there I go again.


sadmama said:


> Your situation sounds very similar to mine - even the nursing school part. Mine also began last April (two days before our 9th wedding anniversary). The "limbo" was the hardest part. It took him awhile to admit that he didn't want to try - I think the worst thing was the second appointment with the marriage counselor he showed up 25 minutes late. We haven't filed for divorce yet, but will be soon - I have been staying home with the kids so I need to get a job so I can have health insurance.
> 
> I don't remember exactly when it happened, but I do know that when I let go of the illusion that he would come back is when I was able to start to heal emotionally - I'm nowhere near done with that process yet, but I was just like you - constantly waiting for a call or text and crying all the time. I think I got to a point that I couldn't forgive all the things he had done - I'm not sure if your H had done anything other than wanting out, but mine admitted to all sorts of things, including having emotional affairs with women via e-mail/twitter. It is hard to get over the "dream" life that we pictured when things were good - or what we thought were good.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

Prelude my wife made me feel like it was 90% my fault the marriage failed and at the beginning I avoided her every chance I got because the pain was very strong and the thoughts were deep..I soon discovered that even though it was 50/50, in her mind it was not that way. I felt sorry for myself and could feel depression setting in, but I realize now I was depressed because my two daughters 11 and 13 would grow up in a split marriage. I find the hardest part of the divorce is I only get to see my daughters 50% of the time which I will never get used to. So I put aside my own feelings about the failed marriage and instead use the week they are with me to be the best dad I can which comes easy for me..It is the week they are with her that all those negative thoughts would enter. I have since learned to throw those out and fill them with every positive thought I can and it works for me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

M2G, thanks for your post, especially the last sentence, I find it very motivational.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

In my head I know how things are but my heart deceives me. It tells me there is hope and that is why I can't let go yet. I feel that until I know a definite answer I wont be able to move on. I know, how could I get such closure without talking to him? 

I guess it will click for me someday. But til now, I have to have a poker face....(to quote lady gaga). I just text him Happy Birthday, our second one apart. I told him, "may this year be better than the last." He just said "thanks." I felt I should wish him a Happy B-day because he did the same for me.


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