# Not having a dishwasher is ruining my marriage!



## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

Ok, I'm being overdramatic, but it is a problem. My husband and I have been married for 7 months and this is a big fight we keep having. We both work full time. Before we were married we discussed expectations about a lot of things including housework. At the time I was working part time and agreed to do the majority of the housework with the exception being dishes. We don't own a dishwasher nor do we have room for one. I did dishes as a waitress for 5 years at a job I loathed. I vowed never to do dishes by hand again, I HATE them!!!  I don't ask anything else of my husband around the house other than occasional handy work that I don't have the capability of doing. He agreed to do dishes if I would take care of everything else. I said that was ok. 

Well, I got a full time job a couple months ago after being laid off. It's the first time in my life I've had a house, full time job, pets and husband to take care of. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Dishes are still the only task I ask of my husband, but he rarely does them and gets angry and complains when he has to. It starts a lot of fights. 

What can I do to communicate to my husband that I need help with the dishes? Any practical advice on cutting down on dishes? Thanks.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Well, for cups I don't mind rinsing and reusing the same cup all day if I'm the only one using it. Use paper or foam plates when possible?

If you cook, stop. Hand him a sandwich on a paper plate every day until he asks what's up with the sandwiches. Then tell him "you don't want to do dishes so we're not messing any up."


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe try telling him you can trade....you will do the dishes, and he can do EVERYTHING else.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This is an easy one.

First get a nice supply of paper plates, utensils and cups. Secondly yes stop cooking unless it's just for you. He gets sandwiches or cereal. Lastly buy a cheap set of cookware just for you. You wash your pots (if you want to cook for YOU) then stash them away in a box - maybe put it in your trunk or something.

Stop the nagging, the fighting, complaining, all of it just don't do the dishes. And you can't cook without dishes.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Welcome to being an adult, if this is ruining your marriage you are in for quite a ride. 
In regards to the lack of dishwasher, that's why you have kids. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

They have some smaller dishwashers you can put on your counters by the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Buy a dishwasher


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I like some of these suggestions. Don't make washing the dishes easier. If anything you are letting off the hook by only asking him to wash the dishes and he won't even do that. 

First, you need to be candid with him and tell him what you've told us. If he can't see how ridiculous it is that he can't handle the dishes when you have to do everything else then you'll have to resort to demonstrating the point.

Btw, I'm not a big fan of having to wash the dishes either. I have a very nice and fairly new dishwasher and I rarely use it. We have very hard water where I live and even though I have a water softener, nothing I've tried keeps the dishes from clouding. After trying practically everything on the shelf at Wal-Mart to use in the dishwasher, I gave up and I now wash the dishes by hand, lol.


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## talin (Apr 25, 2012)

The dishes are the least of your problems.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

Please stop wringing your hands over the dishes. Ugh, I have done this for years because I didn't want to:

1) rock the boat
2) become a nag
3) make a mountain out of a molehill
4) make my husband upset with me

For whatever reasons you are hesitant to bring up the dishes with your husband, you need to figure out why and stop. If you can't discuss this simple agreement with him, then what are you going to do when you have to bring up really big issues?


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## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

talin said:


> The dishes are the least of your problems.


And the other problems are?


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## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

mablenc said:


> Welcome to being an adult, if this is ruining your marriage you are in for quite a ride.
> In regards to the lack of dishwasher, that's why you have kids.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not really ruining my marriage. Like I said, I was being overdramatic. 
It's just something we happen to fight over a lot.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you work a full time job your husband is being very unreasonable. The house work is as much his responsibility as it is yours.

When my husband tried to refuse to help with house work I hired a person to clean the house once a week. He had to pay half of the cost.

I agree with the others who say that until he starts to do his part, just stop doing anything for him. He's pretty immature.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Urban said:


> Please stop wringing your hands over the dishes. Ugh, I have done this for years because I didn't want to:
> 
> 1) rock the boat
> 2) become a nag
> ...


Do you also work full time and do all of the house work?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

chicaperdida18 said:


> And the other problems are?


Do you also prepare all meals?

Your husband does not respect you as he treats you like a maid.

He takes no responsibility for things that are as much his concern as yours.

He's immature.

Those to start with based on what you have written.


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## SouthernMiss (Apr 25, 2013)

I will never understand a man who thinks, because he works full time...and after all...is a MAN...he shouldn't do housework. He is old fashioned that way. But he wants his wife to work full time...he is not old-fashioned that way. I would have no respect for that man. That is just lazy. Either you think women should "keep the homes fires burning" and not bother the man with such things OR you think women should be independent and equally finance the home. He can't have it both ways.

Well, he can. If his wife is a sucker. 

Sorry


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Your husband is an adult.

You will lose attraction for him if he doesn't behave like one.

An attractive man does his fair share, because its the right thing to do. He does no more and no less (unless you are I'll, or have a new born etc). 

Let him know that you need to be able to trust him to do the right thing and take care of what needs to be done. 

At the moment he should be doing no less than 50% of the household chores.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

He made a marriage agreement.

He broke it.

No reason to raise your voice or fight. Just impose consequences.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

As you are both working full time and have no kids you should be sharing the household chores. Have you tried just leaving the dishes when he does not do them? Let them pile up, when you have no more clean pots / pans stop cooking. 

At some point your husband is bound to notice that there is no hot food and you are drinking a coke from a can whist he has no cup for his coffee. If you pick up the slack and do his jobs for him when he fails to do them himself he will never learn.

BTW I would try asking his mother if he ever cleaned up at home, my guess is that she cleaned up after him all the time and now he expects you to do the same.


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## Urban (Mar 29, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Do you also work full time and do all of the house work?


EleGirl, oh no I really screwed up that post!

Sadly I do about 90% of the housework and I work. But it's a situation that I helped create because at some point I just stopped asking my H for the slightest bit of help because I kept getting knocked down every time I asked. It just became too much of a hassle, so I gave up. 

What I heard in this thread was the OP minimizing, feeling badly that she was making such a fuss over something so insignificant. After all, it's only dishes. I'll admit, I'm seeing this through the lens of my own experience - that the issue is more about the fact that her H is not participating, in the dishes or the resolution of the problem. In my case, the lack of participation (and resolution) eventually extended beyond housework into so many other aspects of my relationship. You teach people how to treat you, right? And now I'm paying the price for it. 

So, I look over what I posted and, yeah, it came across totally wrong. I didn't mean to suggest she stop making an issue of it, but just the opposite - to get to the bottom of the issue, beyond the dishes. 

It came out all wrong, and I'm sorry for that!


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


Dishwashers are great ours goes on at least twice a day but there are 7 of us in the house.

Without all the labour saving devices that fill our house (dishwasher, automatic washing machine, tumble dryer, vacuum cleaners etc etc) every home would have to have a stay at home parent to keep up with the workload.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Wiltshireman said:


> Dishwashers are great ours goes on at least twice a day but there are 7 of us in the house.
> 
> Without all the labour saving devices that fill our house (dishwasher, automatic washing machine, tumble dryer, vacuum cleaners etc etc) every home would have to have a stay at home parent to keep up with the workload.


I just got myself an multipurpose steam cleaner, it amazing and cuts my time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


I would never want one & there's 8 of us but I don't work any full time job. 

If this husband agreed to do them/ his share of coming home duties....he is falling down on the job...which builds resentment ...he's not being a Team player.. not cool !

We didn't have a dryer (by choice) the 1st so many years of our marriage either...didn't have one where we rented...& didn't want to spend the $$ Or the extra electric... got used to it...Hung them all on the line... and in the basement in the winter.. .they dried in a day.. Hated the ironing though, wouldn't want to go back... I worked A LOT more back then too.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


Actually modern dishwashers do a much better job of cleaning that hand washing and most of them have sanitize options which hand washing does not especially if you keep using the same sponge. The problem is people don't load the dishes properly or overload it.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Buy a dishwasher and stop complaining unless you want divorce as a possibility. Men would rather deal with no sex for years than a petty whiny partner.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Oh dear me, dish washer and the lack of causing marital issues. I cannot believe Im reading this and whats worse Im responding to it..........

Do them together!, share the cooking share the bed making the cleaning and the dishes and then share whats important to a good marridge. Marridge is about sharing - we all have jobs to do inside a marridge and there are some that we really dont like doing but its about being an adult and doing them. If you bought a dishwasher and had a power cut what the heck are you going to do - pop out to Walmart and buy a dinner service? 
There are so many things in a married life that your going to have to confront at sometime that youll look at this issue and wonder!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm curious, when he does do them do you tell him how to do it? Do you criticize if he doesn't do them the way you want or to your standard?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband hates to clean. It's just not his thing, but he loves having a clean house. I remember when I was working full time and it was a very physical job. I brought a child into the marriage, then my husband and I had our first born together. I was still working full time, coming home, cooking and trying to clean with an infant and a small child. I got home a few hours earlier then my husband, but I also went to work earlier. It was exhausting! It was impossible to keep up with the house alone while working. Both my husband and I didn't like the house being a mess. My h always wanted me to stay home and take care of the family, so eventually I got the courage to quit. I didn't think I'd be cut out for the SAHM, but I am. I now don't ever expect my husband to clean unless I absolutely need the help anymore. My h has always been super helping out with the children.

If your working full time it's only fair he puts in 1/2 his share of the duties.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

i had this same issue too when I first got married and it burned the hell out of me. i was so incredibly resentful, especially when i assigned my husband a task, and he didn't do it. it burned at me all day. when is he going to do it? and by night time when he didn't do it, i blew a gasket. was he raised in a home where there were no household chores assigned to him? or that only the girls and his mother did chores? is he so chauvenistic that he thinks that housework is a woman's job? why does he think that you should do 90% of the work when you work F/T, too? this would really bug me.

I don't remember how I worked it out with my H, but after I became a WAHM (work at home mom) and was home all the time, I had no resentment at all to do 99% of all household chores. 

Does your H step up and do the fix-it stuff like repairing things, mowing the lawn, home improvement projects? Does he do anything at all to contribute to the household maintenance?

I used paper plates/cups for years and it really cuts down on the dishes. If I ran out, it was like a crisis in my house and the sink would overflow.

Maybe if he refuses to do dishes, get a cleaning lady once a week for a few hours to do the dishes. If he hates doing the dishes as much as you do, he should pick some other task to do, or one week you do them, the next week he does them, but he has to step up and do SOMETHING. It is not OK to say, "you're my wife so you should clean up after me." I'd be real bent out of shape too, mostly because this is his attitude.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

I hate to say it, but there are guy things and girl things...Doing dishes is a girl thing....When I had a contract in Panama City Beach for 13 months I did my own dishes, but it has been the wife's job for 47 years.........

Last week she asked me to help her pull the weeds out of her tulip bed....I wanted nothing to do with it....Just not interested....

However I subsequently spent 3 HARD days digging a Bradford pear stump out of the center of said tulip bed with pick, shovel, and chainsaw...Get it? 
Weeds...girls....tree stump....guy...

Then again, the wife slept in this morning, and I cleaned up the dirty dishes in the sink, and emptied the dishwasher....So no rules are absolute....

good luck
the woodchuck


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


I don't have a dishwasher right now.

But the one in my pervious home had a built in garbage disposal. So we only had to scrape the dishes into the trash. The dishwasher did the rest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sanity said:


> OP,
> 
> Buy a dishwasher and stop complaining unless you want divorce as a possibility. Men would rather deal with no sex for years than a petty whiny partner.


She said that there is no room in her kitchen for a dishwasher. So they cannot buy one.

Do you really think that a woman should shutup, work full time outside the home and do 100% of all housework? Women become rightly resentful of an immature husband who refuses to do his fair share of the housework.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Woodchuck said:


> I hate to say it, but there are guy things and girl things...Doing dishes is a girl thing....When I had a contract in Panama City Beach for 13 months I did my own dishes, but it has been the wife's job for 47 years.........
> 
> Last week she asked me to help her pull the weeds out of her tulip bed....I wanted nothing to do with it....Just not interested....
> 
> ...


So you get to decide which jobs you do and she has to do whatever you don't want to do even if she hates doing it or is not interested? Nice deal for you.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

chicaperdida18 said:


> I vowed never to do dishes by hand again, I HATE them!!!


Well, apparently your husband feels the same way, because he's not doing them either.

1) Drop the attitude that there are some chores you just won't do. Marriage is a compromise, and sometimes you have to do jobs that you don't like.

I hate cleaning the toilets, but I still do it.

If this is a chore you both absolutely hate, you may find trading off nights works better than having one person do it all the time.

2) Your husband is being *passive-aggressive*. Promising you will perform a task and the either not doing it or intentionally doing a poor job is typical passive-aggressive behavior. If you look around, you will probably find this is a pattern with your husband.

This is something you should address directly with him, as it's bigger than just the dishes. You need to know that when he promises to do something, he actually will do it.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Dishwashers suck, you still have to rinse them anyway, I'd rather just do them by hand. Cleaner too, no sneaky hard bits. STBX just shoved it in there half the time... *sigh*


These days dishwashers do a much better job. About the only thing they can't remove is egg yolk. And pre-rinsing is not necessary.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Mavash has the right approach. Make no mess. Provide paper plates. Any dishes in the sink will be his, solely. 

My wife and three kids were horrible with the dish routine. S17 would use five glasses and five bowls in the course of a day and leave each one in a different location. D13 wouldn't unload the dishwasher as soon as it was done - she would wait until the sink was full of dirty dishes. S11 was pretty good. W would pile dirty dishes in the sink with an empty dishwasher fifteen inches away. S11 was the only team player. The rest were too selfish. 

It's such an easy process if you do it right. Empty a clean dishwasher right away. Put dirty dishes directly in the dishwasher. What could be easier?

Without a dishwasher the process is the same. Wash right away, don't let them pile up. Dry them. Store them. With two in the family that's a five minute job. I can't think of a household chore that is easier except taking out the trash.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Dishwasher today... tomorrow (not literally) it will be changing diapers or something else. 

I know what you said, but I think there is more to this than just doing dishes or getting a dishwasher (which you have said you don't have room for). 

There is a root issue here and it would be nice if you and your H could get to it. It may sound crazy, but maybe just maybe you might want to talk with a MC... see if there is more under the surface. I hope the best for both of you. 

As a side note, my wife and I both work full time. Our simple agreement: when I cook dinner she cleans the kitchen. When she cooks, I clean the kitchen. When we both share in the cooking duties, we both share in the clean up. Of course now that our children are getting older we are teaching them to pitch in and contribute. The hope is that my boys will soon make this their job without too much fuss (hahaha).


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

Easy.....tell your husband that he gets paid for washing the dishes with BJ's....


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Time to re-negotiate the chore rota, because the present one was agreed at a time when you were working part-time.

There surely can't be _that _many dishes to wash for two people, providing they're washed after every meal. I have space for a dishwasher, but as there's only my SO and I, I really couldn't justify having one. We have a cooked meal every night, and it takes a matter of minutes for one of us to wash up afterwards.

Again, it's time to draw up another chore rota, now that you're working full-time, dividing all chores equally between you and your H.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Viseral said:


> Easy.....tell your husband that he gets paid for washing the dishes with BJ's....


To be honest, the idea of 'paying' a husband in BJ's and other sexual acts is offensive.

She should not have to pay her husband to do things that are his responsibility.

Further, once a person starts paying their spouse is sex, the love is gone. Sex in marriage is supposed to be an act of mutual love. Not a payoff.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> providing they're washed after every meal


One big way to save yourself headaches is to make sure to use things like aluminum foil, or slow-cooker liners. It's a small step in saving some sanity as it makes the clean up of major messes a bit easier. That being said - Even if there aren't that many dishes, and even if you take plans to rinse/pre-soak to reduce the labor load, if you have two full-time working partners and one isn't willing to help, its still going to be a major drag. 

I agree with others that its time to lay it out - that you need to have a rotation of whose night it is to do the dishes. And - that if on his night he is incapable or unwilling to them, that the new schedule is going to mean what should be his nights will transform into cold sandwiches or takeout on throwaway plates.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

chicaperdida18 said:


> Ok, I'm being overdramatic, but it is a problem. My husband and I have been married for 7 months and this is a big fight we keep having. We both work full time. Before we were married we discussed expectations about a lot of things including housework. At the time I was working part time and agreed to do the majority of the housework with the exception being dishes. We don't own a dishwasher nor do we have room for one. I did dishes as a waitress for 5 years at a job I loathed. I vowed never to do dishes by hand again, I HATE them!!!  I don't ask anything else of my husband around the house other than occasional handy work that I don't have the capability of doing. He agreed to do dishes if I would take care of everything else. I said that was ok.
> 
> Well, I got a full time job a couple months ago after being laid off. It's the first time in my life I've had a house, full time job, pets and husband to take care of. I'm feeling very overwhelmed. Dishes are still the only task I ask of my husband, but he rarely does them and gets angry and complains when he has to. It starts a lot of fights.
> 
> What can I do to communicate to my husband that I need help with the dishes? Any practical advice on cutting down on dishes? Thanks.


How many dishes could there be from two people?


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## Viseral (Feb 25, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> To be honest, the idea of 'paying' a husband in BJ's and other sexual acts is offensive.
> 
> She should not have to pay her husband to do things that are his responsibility.
> 
> Further, once a person starts paying their spouse is sex, the love is gone. Sex in marriage is supposed to be an act of mutual love. Not a payoff.


Not really, my girlfriend asked me to fix some things around her house and with a smile said she'd pay me with some extra special treatment. I jumped and nothing motivated me quicker.... Ain't nothin wrong with that! And we're both happy.

I'm sorry you're offended by a little fun around the house, but I bet the OP will get much better results with honey than with vinegar.


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## belleoftheball (May 16, 2013)

I am sorry to laugh at your problem, but I have been in your situation with my hubs. I hate dishes with a passion and refuse to do them. Like you I will do everything else but them. In the beginning he would do them, but then he stopped doing them and it got to be a huge mess and likewise argument. Well I took care of the problem real fast. Unlike you we do we have space for a dishwasher, but the hubs did not want to invest in one. Well it went back and fourth for a while. To make a long story short how I took care of this issue at my house was this. People can call my crazy or stupid all they want, but it worked. I had one of my friends come over here one day and she literally helped me throw out every dish out of my house. Then I went and bought everything in plastic. You should have seen the look on my hubs face when he got home, but he finally got the message and went and got me a dishwasher. Well of course I had to buy new dishes, but it was worth it to get the message finally through to him and that issue cleared up.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> She said that there is no room in her kitchen for a dishwasher. So they cannot buy one.
> 
> Do you really think that a woman should shutup, work full time outside the home and do 100% of all housework? Women become rightly resentful of an immature husband who refuses to do his fair share of the housework.


Not saying for her to shut up but its honestly petty. The amount of time she took to complain about it she could have asked her hubby to help out and wash and dry together. Two people don't produce that much dirty dishes unless they are 500lbs whales eating 10 course meals. There are so many things to whine about, dishes are not one of them. Sorry its just not a big deal. They can work this out by writing down a schedule like adults.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Viseral said:


> Not really, my girlfriend asked me to fix some things around her house and with a smile said she'd pay me with some extra special treatment. I jumped and nothing motivated me quicker.... Ain't nothin wrong with that! And we're both happy.
> 
> I'm sorry you're offended by a little fun around the house, but I bet the OP will get much better results with honey than with vinegar.


My husband/bf does not have to do chores to get sex. I just like having sex every day, to include lots of bj's etc. So as you can see I love to have a lot of fun around the house... everywhere we can think of having it.

Just don't think that trading lovemaking for chores is something I could want to start in a relationship.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Not saying for her to shut up but its honestly petty. The amount of time she took to complain about it she could have asked her hubby to help out and wash and dry together. Two people don't produce that much dirty dishes unless they are 500lbs whales eating 10 course meals. There are so many things to whine about, dishes are not one of them. Sorry its just not a big deal. They can work this out by writing down a schedule like adults.


I guess you missed that they already made an agreement and he refuses to live by the agreement. She'd work half time and do all the housework except the dishes. He's do the dishes. But HE IS REFUSING TO DO THE DISHES. 

How is she petty when he's the one refusing to do what he agreed to?

Perhaps you could address the real issue. They already have a schedule and her husband refuses to follow the schedule HE agreed to. What do you think she can do to get him to live up to his obligations?


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

When my wife and I were first married, she had the idea in her head that landscape, service, repair and maintenance to home and vehicles were not "housework." Washing exterior windows, painting trim, cleaning gutters, replacing shingles, hosing out condenser coils, mowing, trimming, pruning, spraying, raking and weeding weren't that much work to begin with and were just things that I (apparently) did just for a lark besides. 

So when you say the only thing you ask of him is occasional handywork, what's up? Do you have a very low maintenance/small property or is he not doing any of that either?


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Some of these replies are ridiculous, but maybe that was their intent... 

1) You don't need to buy paper plates or a dishwasher - that's a cop-out, and will only encourage the avoidance of other problems in your relationship. You talked about this before you got married, and now you're going to need to talk about it again. Try to be as non-confrontational as possible. My husband and I schedule meetings at a coffee shop occasionally to talk about chores, finances, and the like - it helps to get out of the house and away from the things that annoy us, so we can look at ourselves critically and see what can be better. At the end of the meeting, we each have a small list of commitments/things to work on.

2) Do stuff together. Maybe he can wash the dishes and you dry them and put them away. But I don't mean do these tasks separately; I mean stand at the sink with him and work while he's working (even if you're just wiping counters and pulling gross stuff out of the fridge - it can be a kitchen cleaning party). My SO and I try and do chores together, because it goes faster and we both get a feeling of accomplishment from the amount we can get done. It also improves morale & decreases laziness, when you see someone working next to you.

Addition: The whole idea is that you two are a TEAM now. You're working together to make your life into what you want it to be. With that in mind, you both need to be clear on your goals. If having a clean & tidy house is a goal, it's one you need to address together. You need an opportunity to share feedback on how that's going, and how it could improve. Think outside the box - maybe paper plates could be the answer, if you talked about it first.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> My husband/bf does not have to do chores to get sex. I just like having sex every day, to include lots of bj's etc. So as you can see I love to have a lot of fun around the house... everywhere we can think of having it.
> 
> Just don't think that trading lovemaking for chores is something I could want to start in a relationship.


I don't often bribe my SO with anything - but I suppose I have before. I think I got him to do something once by saying I'd give him a back rub after (which I did). Mind you, he probably needed the backrub once he was done with whatever it was. 

I think it could work - it's not the same as withholding sex because of things you don't like. It's positive reinforcement!  Similarly, I think it's fine to surprise-reward things you like. For instance, putting something slinky on and lighting the candles, when your hubby had a rough week, or just did some major yardwork. I gave mine a foot-rub once or twice, at a time when he worked pushing shopping carts around in the snow. It made an unliked task just a little more likeable.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Faiora said:


> Think outside the box - maybe paper plates could be the answer, if you talked about it first.


They've already talked about it and he said no with his actions that he's not going to do the dishes.

Consequences is the only way to get through to him now.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> So you get to decide which jobs you do and she has to do whatever you don't want to do even if she hates doing it or is not interested? Nice deal for you.




*Then again, the wife slept in this morning, and I cleaned up the dirty dishes in the sink, and emptied the dishwasher....So no rules are absolute....*

I also do most of the grocery shopping AND cooking, cut the grass, service the autos slay dragons, and did I mention, pull the odd stump........

good luck
the woodchuck


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Or, you know you can always just spawn a child to do the dishes for you


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> They've already talked about it and he said no with his actions that he's not going to do the dishes.
> 
> Consequences is the only way to get through to him now.


Wow... 

As someone who's been in a successful relationship for 12 years: This would not be a good way to approach a problem in my relationship. Implementing "consequences" just makes both people mad at each other, and doesn't solve anything. 

When my SO and I have some kind of problem, we talk about it. Even if one of us went back on our word to do something, we can work through it and try something else. 

This happens to us the same as any other couple - we try to work out some deal or arrangement, and it fails. Yes, one of us was inconsiderate, but there's usually more behind it than that. We solve our problems by reworking our strategy, or by figuring out what could make the task easier or more interesting. 

For instance, we used to have the cat litter box in the basement, and fight over who cleaned it (usually my SO ended up with the task). I had trouble with the dim environment, the smell of the covered box, and the logistics of the tight space downstairs (which I discovered by talking about it). When we moved it into the hall bathroom and took off the cover, I started cleaning it 2-3 times a day with no issues, and it doesn't seem like any trouble at all now. It doesn't ever smell, and it's in a bright and convenient spot.

If we try and make a task easier a few times, and it doesn't work, we restructure the whole deal. Maybe we end up doing the task together (side by side). In the case of dishes, one person could put away while the other washes. But, maybe the husband should take on some other tasks along with dishes, that he finds easier to do. It's something the couple needs to TALK about. Things get bad when one person feels like they're doing all the work - and one example of "bad" is when someone tries to implement "consequences."

Talking about our problems and trying out new solutions has solved a ton of problems for my SO and me. If someone's not holding up their end of a deal, you need to find out why and try something new, or rewrite the deal.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Here's another small idea - not sure if it would help, but it's worth a try:

What if you get one of those sink-sized plastic tubs from Walmart (the kind you can put in the sink), and put dishes in there when you dirty them, on the counter, instead of in the sink? It would be easier to start doing the dishes because you'd have a clean sink to begin with, and be selective about how many items to work on at once... personally, when I wash dishes I prefer to have a completely clear sink for scrubbing and rinsing. You (read: your husband) could fill the plastic tub of dishes with soapy water, to soak... then selectively grab things to work on in the sink.

Just a thought. It's good to get creative about things that might improve a process.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I read some but not all of the replies... 

The OP needs to put on her big girl panties and figure out that dishes at home are not the same as doing dishes at a job she hates. To do them at home is an act of love for the person she plans to spend her life with. Not doing them says that her memories of the past are more important than he is. Plus, it's possible that he's feeling like her demands are trying to control him. 

That's the tough love part of my response, because the OP also has some good reasons to feel strongly about what's happening in her home. Her husband's not very empathetic with her and he's not acting in a loving way, either. 

If I was in the OP's shoes, I'd probably be a witch and put his dirty dishes in the bed and I'd sleep on the sofa until he caught a hint and washed them or threw them out. I'd buy paper plates and cups, and would stop cooking, too. But I'd only do these things if I was willing to watch my marriage go from "US" to "ME," because it won't help the marriage. 

If the marriage mattered more, then I'd hire someone or get over it and do the dishes.


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## chicaperdida18 (May 20, 2013)

Thank you to (most of you) for your replies. Most were very good ideas, though not all of them would work. (i.e. We can't afford to hire extra help for cleaning.) 

We did have a good long talk and things have been better. My husband isn't a complete monster, really. He does work very long hours (like 55/week) whereas I work normal full time hours So, I don't really mind doing most of the housework. I just don't think it's a big deal to ask him to do this one thing on a regular basis. He does take care of things around the house when they are broken, but no regular cleaning duties. Anyway, we are doing better so thanks. We even had a little dinner party yesterday for my birthday and he really pitched in and did most of the cleaning for the party and all of the cooking.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

Faiora said:


> Here's another small idea - not sure if it would help, but it's worth a try:
> 
> What if you get one of those sink-sized plastic tubs from Walmart (the kind you can put in the sink), and put dishes in there when you dirty them, on the counter, instead of in the sink? It would be easier to start doing the dishes because you'd have a clean sink to begin with, and be selective about how many items to work on at once... personally, when I wash dishes I prefer to have a completely clear sink for scrubbing and rinsing. You (read: your husband) could fill the plastic tub of dishes with soapy water, to soak... then selectively grab things to work on in the sink.
> *
> Just a thought. It's good to get creative about things that might improve a process. *


:iagree:
We don't have this plastic tub but I almost always empty the sink and place everything on the counter. Cannot do the dishes if the sink is dirty.

First clean the sink, then do the dishes. Once dishes are done and put into a steel mesh tub for drying, clean the counter and the sink.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

Decide together on a weekly amount of money to put aside to gather the cost of a dishwasher. Meanwhile, order in and stop cooking. Use paper cups and plates. 
Does he help you with the rest of the housework ? There must be something he does help you with. Stop nagging. Appreciate the things he DOES and let him know you notice them. Say a thank you and give him a kiss. Give him a treat in bed when he does do the dishes - men are like kids, a candy can work wonders.

If there are no bigger issues in your marriage than dishes, don't make one by being over dramatic. Enjoy your husband's other good points and things he's good at, and buy a damn dishwasher


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Trade him for a different chore. Like cleaning the bathroom once a week.... or something. It would be to OP's benefit to find out which chore he is willing and GOING to do. (I know, he already agreed on the dishes.... but maybe he didn't realize that they happen every day?)  

There is a compromise in here somewhere. I would wash the dishes. And I'd use only paper plates because I too hate washing dishes.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

My SO and I do actually have a dishwasher, but we have a number of items which can't/don't go in the dishwasher (some plastic cups, chopsticks, the nice knives, nonstick pans, etc.)

Previously we were sharing the task or doing it together (including loading the dishwasher)... but a few weeks ago my SO told me if I wash "those stupid plastic cups, and the chopsticks" he'll take care of everything else. So, those were interfering and making the task hard for him. The rest is easy to him and he doesn't mind doing all of it. 

So far the dishes have been done just fine, and I wash out the "stupid plastic cups" when we use them (they are a bit annoying to clean).  It can take just one little change to make things run smoother.

(I think we both feel like we got the better end of this particular deal... and that's the best way for a deal to go!)


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

The best dishwashers are your hands. How about after everytime one of you eat something you wash the dish right then and there. I never understood the concept of just piling up dishes. 

If he's working 55 hours and you're only working 40. It should only take a few minutes just to do the dishes. I mean seriously what are you guys eating that dishwashing is putting a strain on the marriage? 

Get a brillo pad, super hot water, a dish rag, Dawn soap, and scrub away.

What's up with these new age American women whining and complaining about dishes and house work? I knew women that worked 10 hr+ jobs came home, cooked, clean and put the kids to beds and had no problems with it. You're working 8 hours a day with 4-6 hours of down time before you hit the sack and you mean to tell us that dishwashing which only takes about 30 minutes between the two of you is such hard work?

Women do the housework
Men do the yard work

It's that simple. I don't understand why there really is a problem? If you ever decide to have kids by the time they 10, You will have full time dishwashers free of charge.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

ravioli said:


> Women do the housework
> Men do the yard work


It's ridiculous to suggest this should apply to all marriages. I'm way better at yardwork than my husband (and enjoy it more), and we usually do household chores and cleaning together. 

I don't think you should assume your preferred situation is the best solution for everyone.


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## ravioli (Jan 23, 2013)

Faiora said:


> It's ridiculous to suggest this should apply to all marriages. I'm way better at yardwork than my husband (and enjoy it more), and we usually do household chores and cleaning together.
> 
> I don't think you should assume your preferred situation is the best solution for everyone.


Not saying it should apply for every single marriage, but as a general rule. I know a few women that cut grass and do yardwork. But in general I wouldn't recommend men do the dishes or housework. Overtime, the woman won't respect the man. I do advocate to clean up behind yourself, though.


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

ravioli said:


> But in general I wouldn't recommend men do the dishes or housework. Overtime, the woman won't respect the man.




Sounds like you have a very sexist viewpoint. That's all.


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## LaurenNabi (May 31, 2013)

Girl, I get it!! I am also recently married and the first couple of months of marriage I would go ballistic over minor domestic issues. I was also in my last semester of college and working on top of that and he is the type of husband who likes homecooked meals breakfast, lunch and dinner and we did not have a dishwasher and he would never do the dishes (not the quick easy kind). After bashing it out for a while we both realized we had to compromise and I quit complaining about cooking when he responded to my complaints by taking me out to eat more often and finding some chores to help out with (he took over trash and laundry). Now he started working offshore (he's a petroleum engineer) and I am so happy so him on the scarce days he is home that I GLADLY cook just to enjoy time with him and see him smile. Maybe if he hates the dishes there is some other area that he can help out with... maybe find another chore he is ok doing that will lighten your load.


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