# She wants me to teach her



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Ok. My wife and I have been married over twenty years and to say the least its been a roller coaster. The sex has been Ok, but never great. By late last year we were sexless and on the verge of divorce. Good news is that we fixed all that. Marriage is back on track and we have Sex several times a week. The bad news is that in working to save our marriage I read many books, including boks on sexy in marriage, and found out my wife is a lazy or selfish lover. 

Your probably wondering how I never noticed this. Easy, my wife is the only woman I've ever been with and sex with her is all I've ever known. But now after much reading I've learned that one partner is not supposed to just lay there and wait for their needs to be met. Both partners are equally responsible for ensuring the others experience is as pleasurable as possible. My wife can tell you that I do this in spades. The problem is that she doesn't at all. For the most part she just lies there and let's me do it all. 

I've brought this up many times in the last year and last night it came out again in a big way. Long story short, she wants me to instruct her in sex, which I do not want to do at all. I told her that she has made love to me many times over twenty years, but those times are weeks or sometimes months apart. I don't feel that I should have to tell her what and how to do it when she already knows, she just doesnt do it. I also feel that her following instruction will basically kill any mood that may exist. 

I told her this, which I think is enough. When we make love I feel that I am totally responsible for ensuring that it is pleasurable for her and she is totally responsible for ensuring that it is pleasurable for me. 

Any help would be appreciated, especially from the ladies. Getting our sex life back on track has been the hardest part of fixing our marriage. I've lost more sleep over this one topic than anything else. 

Ray


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Get her to read some karma sutra (??) Books. That's all I got. I'm sure others will have an idea


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Ray, you are passing up a huge opportunity here. Worse, it sounds like you are about to allow resentment to creep back in to your marriage. You worked too long and too hard and went through too many years with a bad dynamic to stand by and let that happen. 

Take a deep breath and look at this another way. She is asking you to teach her. She recognizes that you're not happy, she wants to change, and she wants to do it for you in a way that guarantees you like the results. 

So get on it. 

Phase One: Sit her down and tell her you've decided to take her up on her offer and "mold" her into your dream lover. Have a frank conversation about hard limits and sexual boundaries so you know what she is absolutely won't do, what she is willing to explore doing, and what really turns her on. You can even find sexual activity checklists online and fill them out together. 

Phase Two: Look for instructional videos (there are LOTS on line) and books that you'd like her to read. You might lean towards books about how to be a good lover in general, or you might looks for books with very explicit instructions on how to, say, give a good blow job. Give her daily or weekly reading "assignments" and make sure you ask her for feedback on what she is reading and learning. 

Phase Three: Turn learning time into highly erotic bedroom time. Pick something that you feel you'd really like her to work on. If it's having her be more physically active during sex, then tell her you want her to "take over" for five minutes. If she is shy about this, then be very specific. Tell her that she must be on top, and she must do the moving with minimal thrusting from you. Keep things light and playful, and if she falters DO NOT GET PISSY. Take things in very small, manageable steps. If something that you requests seems to bring the session to a halt, then break it down further. One good place to start is blow jobs. OMG the "oral training" that my husband and I did was one of the most memorable and fun parts of our reconciliation after more than ten low sex years. 

Phase Four: Don't assume that you're done "learning" about how to please her, either. She might find your instructing her to be highly erotic and that it fulfills some of her needs for intimacy and attention from you. Do some reading about being dominant in bed (emotionally more so than physically). Learn how to guide her and to demonstrate your desires without fear of rejection. Yes, that IS a lot to ask after what you have been through in your marriage, however confidence and leadership from a man in bed is a huge turn on for many women, and it might make all the difference in your situation. Keep in mind the things you learned during your frank conversation in Phase One and search for new and surprising ways to rock her world. 

Put away your resentment and take this bull by the horns man. You have what plenty of men on TAM would kill for--a chance at new and improved intimacy with their wives.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ray, honey, sweetheart, bubbalah, are you nuts? 

1. As GettingIt so very kindly and nicely pointed out this is your golden opportunity to mold your perfect lover!

"A wife who is a good lover always offers a foot massage after sex as her man is falling asleep, while making a running commentary reliving the highlights of last nights ball game."

2. Touch passive aggressive move on your part. I get how you feel you invested a lot of effort to improve things and now it's her turn, but this is kind of apples to oranges because when it comes to actual sex it's all highly individual anyway.

Tell her what you want her to do and when you want her to do it.


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## Redheadguy (Jul 30, 2014)

GettingIt said:


> .......


Wow. :smthumbup: 

Just wow...

I'd love to hear more about the 'oral training' approaches without anyone getting in trouble. Wife and I have fun with oral things but it is a point of frustration often for both of us, in either direction.

EDIT: we both have communication issues in this area and I would love to sort out a game or some other method to help open that up.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Ray, I second GettingIt.

Although my marriage has been sexless for 2+ years now when my wife and I were more sexually active my wife never learnt what made me 'scream' sexually. If she did something and I made it clear I liked it she had forgotten a week later. If a confidante asked her what I really liked her doing to me, she wouldn't have a clue....after 20 years of marriage.

Sorry - she might say that I would love a BJ but she'd never done that because its disgusting!

I have NEVER liked raw tomatoes yet my wife STILL tosses them in a salad....we have friends who say 'I know Askari doesn't like tomatoes so I've kept them aside...'...my own wife forgets.

So Ray....I can understand your frustration at your wife not knowing what you like etc....but she has given you a blank piece of paper. This is your opportunity for a complete and satisfying sexual re-birth with your wife.

If you don't want to embark on this exciting new journey woudl you mind if I take your place?!


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Dang! How could I forget:

Phase Five: Get a safe word. 

Before you roll your eyes, just put the BDSM thoughts out of your head and listen to me. You and your wife are on a new path here. You both have done work to rebuild the intimacy in your marriage, and that takes work and dedication. But I know what it's like trying to fight back from years of damaged intimacy and lost trust--you WILL experience low points and set backs. You both have to be willing to push yourselves and push one another. In doing so, you'll find yourselves needing to challenge old emotional boundaries and figure out new ones. 

It is in that process of letting go old emotional boundaries that a safe word can be valuable. It allows you to go push without doing damage. It allows you to allow your partner to explore your boundaries, and for you to explore hers, without fear of "going too far" or risking doing more damage.

My husband and I have a safe word because our new dynamic includes some serious kink. Interestingly, however, the only times I've really felt the need to use it (or he's felt the need) have been to exit out of stressful emotional situations. We feel ourselves triggering and we need to let the other person know that if things continue, we're at risk of backsliding into old habits and having a real mess to dig out of. 

Safe words allow you to explore new dynamics like the one I describe in my first post--where you take over "instructing" her on sex. You guys can do a lot of communicating about it, but it's new territory, and your wife might feel unsure about some aspects of it. Giving he a safe word gives her ultimate control and the ability to explore her own sexual boundaries, which she probably has never done. I feel so free to do anything and say anything because I know my husband and I are on the same page about consent.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ray, I understand your frustration and such. But you have come so far in your jounrey getting your marriage back on track to go back now. Would it be nice if she knew or learned what to do to please you? Of course but she is wanting to do that for you she just needs your help. When you were having problems would she have even said she wanted to do this? This is progress to a degree.

I will let the women here give you advice and so far the ones given have been great. Just look at this as a gift you are getting to be in charge of what you are wanting. What’s the alternative? You get mad and resent her for not knowing and the outcome is no sex or bad sex erasing all the work you have been doing.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

Am I missing something obvious? He's determined his wife's a selfish lover yet it seems like the advice given is for him to put forth more effort while she just sits back and takes orders? I guess her putting forth the effort to research things and to try new things is just to much? Smh. I've found that in my situation if I recommend something new and something I would enjoy my wife will agree to most of it but is not into it and sucks the fun right out of the entire session. I think she needs to do the heavy lifting here, he can tell her what he likes and make suggestions but she needs to come up with a game plan.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sbrown said:


> Am I missing something obvious? *He's determined his wife's a selfish lover *yet it seems like the advice given is for him to put forth more effort while she just sits back and takes orders? I guess her putting forth the effort to research things and to try new things is just to much? Smh. I've found that in my situation if I recommend something new and something I would enjoy my wife will agree to most of it but is not into it and sucks the fun right out of the entire session. I think she needs to do the heavy lifting here, he can tell her what he likes and make suggestions but she needs to come up with a game plan.


A selfish lover is motivated by their pleasure. The fact that she is asking him to teach her how he wants to be loved indicates a lack of knowledge, not selfishness.

Passive aggressive:
"I'm mad at you and I'm going to make you GUESS why because you should know!"

"I want you to be a better lover to me and I'm going to make you figure out how."

"I'm hungry but I want you to guess what I want to eat."

All that aside, this is sex technique we're talking about and while there might be some generalities I'd bet my farm, if I had one, that Ray has a pretty good idea of what her wants her to do. 

However, you do raise a good point in that her effort to learn things on her own would go a long way to show that she really understands the importance of a good sex life within a marriage.

Perhaps Ray might encourage her to visit some web sites or hell just get her a subscription to Cosmo magazine. Every issue has a headline about "Rocking His World in 5 Mind Blowing Ways!"

So Ray, maybe you two could read The Joys of Sex together?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Your all right. We've put an enormous amount of work into fixing our marriage. And I'm ashamed to say that for me some resentment has already set in. I have to give my wife props though. Because in reconciling our marriage we both learned to read each other very well. She knew something was bothering me and drug it out of me. Can't say how much I love her for doing that. 

While I'm still not so sure about the while instructing thing. I'm thinking about it for sure. Probably think of it more as both of us instructing each other for more pleasurable sex. As I'm sure I have things to learn from her. 

As for oral, she is really not into giving or receiving. It kinda bums me out and I'll admit I once tried to push the point really hard on her. I've since grown up (a little at least) and I'd rather her fully enjoy sex with me than me get what I want but her carry resentment about it. 

Thanks for all the responses. Have to admit they didn't at all go in the direction I thought they would 

Ray


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I didn't say make her guess. I said he could make recommendations but she needs to put forth SOME effort.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Reading the resoonses I feel I came accross wrong. In my eyes, my wife knows how to please me. That woman has knocked my socks off sexually on many occasions, and I know she still can if she wants to. I think it quite possible that I might be comming at her so hard that it hard to switch from receiving to giving. I don't know, it's a conversations we will have to have to find out. 

Ray


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Reading the resoonses I feel I came accross wrong. In my eyes, my wife knows how to please me. That woman has knocked my socks off sexually on many occasions, and I know she still can if she wants to. I think it quite possible that I might be comming at her so hard that it hard to switch from receiving to giving. I don't know, it's a conversations we will have to have to find out.
> 
> Ray


Well, balance is absolutely important. You do have to feel like she is putting in a level of effort commensurate to yours. 

But keep in mind that her effort might not look like your effort. 

It sounds like there is plenty of emotional baggage to go around for the both of you. I'm sure you know that open communication about that is KEY, so find a way to talk to her about the things you don't feel are going right BEFORE it turns into resentment that causes you to avoid talking to her about it at all. And, on the flip side, be prepared to hear things from here that you might not like, and be able to find a way to cope with that level of honesty without retreating into old habits. Reconciling a marriage after years of no good juju and no good sex is similar, in some ways, to reconciling after infidelity. There is damaged trust, damaged intimacy, and the danger of reverting to "the way things were" if you do not remain vigilant. 

One more thing . . . I get the feeling your wife might be trying to tell you something about herself and her sexuality when she says or hints that she wants you to "instruct her." Okay, I'll just say it: my kink radar is going off just a little. 

Projection? Maybe. Worth looking into? Maybe you'd like to talk to my husband.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ray I do feel like I know where you're coming from. If my wife asked for my instruction I imagine I would be happy at first, but then I'd realize that over the years she has taken everything outside of the usual script off the table so really what is left to teach unless she's willing to drop the rules? Just seems like an exercise in futility. It seems like a way to shift the blame and responsibility from her to you.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I know she is not shifting blame. Been there, heard that. It's a sexual self confidence thing that I feel I will make worse by by agreeing to teach her. 

Anyway. I think it's the direction I'm going to go. But instead of me teaching her, I want us both to teach each other to be better lovers. It's not fair to think that one of us knows best or has all the answers. Besides, as someone pointed out the homework will be fun. ð

Ray


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

GettingIt said:


> .....
> 
> 
> 
> ...



I got the same thing. Maybe your wife is trying to tell you being submissive is her thing. But sometimes having to tell someone takes the fun out of being submissive? 

Sit down with your tablet. Key up this website:

http://mojoupgrade.com

It might just unlock what your wife is trying to tell you. Tell her under the guise of "this is about learning so I can instruct".


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I know she is not shifting blame. Been there, heard that. It's a sexual self confidence thing that I feel I will make worse by by agreeing to teach her.


I advise you to reflect on this a little bit more. Self confidence is something you can help her build by taking the guesswork out of sex for her--at least for now. She's much more likely to take risks if she is sure it's something you're going to like, or if it's something you "instructed" her to do.

It's incredibly painful to screw up your courage, do something out of your comfort zone, and get a "meh" response (or worse) from your partner. One of the reasons she might reject certain things is that she is afraid of your judgement if she fails you. 



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Anyway. I think it's the direction I'm going to go. But instead of me teaching her, I want us both to teach each other to be better lovers. It's not fair to think that one of us knows best or has all the answers. Besides, as someone pointed out the homework will be fun. ð
> 
> Ray


I think its absolutely fair that you demand her to be clear about what she likes. But she must have very, very deep trust in you in order to be able to do this. Think back to your old dynamic: you admit that you were a bit forceful or demanding at time (I can't remember how you put it, but the implication was that you were being a jerk in some way, shape or form.) What did she learn from that treatment? Perhaps that her views and opinions were not important? I'm not saying you acted horribly or that all of this is your fault in any way, but old patterns and reactions time time and effort and patience to overcome. It helps to understand where the struggle might have its roots. Look for the logic--identify the problem behaviors, look for where they might have originated, talk about those old patterns and how you want to change them, and work out a plan for what to do when one or the other of you feel triggered. 

Communication--clear, direct and without judgement--is your best tool in moving forward. Rebuild that trust so that she learns that she's able to lay her true self out and not be judged. And she should be seeking ways to do the same for you. Learning to accept that we cannot please our partner in all ways, and that our partner will not hold this against us in assessing love, are absolutely vital steps towards the sort of transparency you seem to desire for your marriage.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

GettingIt: your right. I used to be a bit of a jerk. In fact, we are both very differently people than we used to be. Unfortunately though, the past can't be undone and she often still reacts as if she was still dealing with my old jerk nature. Although it makes me ashamed of who unused to be, it does not upset me, as I know only time will make that go away 

Throw out her wanting kinky and to be dominated. That's not my wife at all. 

Well I sent my wife an email proposing what I want to do. For basically both of us to go to school and learn about the other sexually. Below is a part of that email to which she replied "that sounds like a great plan"

What I propose is for each of us to help the other get to know them better sexually. I propose you make a list of what turns you on and what turns you off. Think off it as your making a list to give to a possible lover to help him woo you away from your husband that's already a good lover and treats you well. To do this he's gonna need good inside info that only you have.

Ray


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I hope she follows through with the list.....


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Actually she already sent me a partial list with some really good stuff I wasn't aware of. She said she will send me the rest after she gets mine and sees what direction I plan to go. I told her my list will be detailed and explicit ð


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> GettingIt: your right. I used to be a bit of a jerk. In fact, we are both very differently people than we used to be. Unfortunately though, the past can't be undone and she often still reacts as if she was still dealing with my old jerk nature. Although it makes me ashamed of who unused to be, it does not upset me, as I know only time will make that go away


Yes, time and patience is what is needed. It can be really, really hard to overcome old triggers. But she should work on this with you and within herself if she really and truly is committed to doing her part to heal your marriage. Failing (or refusing) to consciously move on from old hurts can limit progress. 




Rayloveshiswife said:


> Throw out her wanting kinky and to be dominated. That's not my wife at all.


Well shoot! But if you say so--of course you know her better than any of us do. 



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Well I sent my wife an email proposing what I want to do. For basically both of us to go to school and learn about the other sexually. Below is a part of that email to which she replied "that sounds like a great plan"
> 
> What I propose is for each of us to help the other get to know them better sexually. I propose you make a list of what turns you on and what turns you off. Think off it as your making a list to give to a possible lover to help him woo you away from your husband that's already a good lover and treats you well. To do this he's gonna need good inside info that only you have.
> 
> Ray


See, I find this highly "dominant" behavior, and dang sexy. You're taking charge and not nursing your resentment and hanging on to your old hurts and triggers. Onward!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Handel,Messiah : Hallelujah - YouTube


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

I said I had resentment building. I never said anything about letting it move in and take up residence. 

She got my rather lengthy and detailed list and is updating hers. Can't wait to see it. (I'm a truck driver and not home tonite)

Wierd that you say I'm acting dominant as that is not my personality at all. socially or in the bedroom. That said, in the last year I have learned how to make my wife boil sexually if you know what I mean. The undeying imaginary reason behind the email will make her work harder on her list. 

TotallyOff topic, but I'd love to pick up my wife at a club and have a one night stand with her. ð


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think she actually wants or needs the actual instruction. I suspect she wants to see you in the dominant role of leader and teacher. She probably finds the idea of that a huge turn-on.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I said I had resentment building. I never said anything about letting it move in and take up residence.


Sorry if I pushed too hard on this. I'm sort of hyper sensitive to resentment since it was (and still can be) an issue in my marriage. It sucks and is so destructive.




Rayloveshiswife said:


> Wierd that you say I'm acting dominant as that is not my personality at all. socially or in the bedroom. That said, in the last year I have learned how to make my wife boil sexually if you know what I mean. The undeying imaginary reason behind the email will make her work harder on her list.


Well, it seems like you get a different definition for "dominant" from as many people as you ask. You don't have to have a dominant personality in order to act in a dominate way. My point was that you came up with a plan and executed it. On TAM it seems like there a a fair amount of "Why should I do anything? I've done enough--it's their turn." Maybe justified, but not very attractive. 



Rayloveshiswife said:


> TotallyOff topic, but I'd love to pick up my wife at a club and have a one night stand with her. ð


This is a long-standing item on my husband's and my wish list. I hope you put it on yours!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Ray:

Do you have any idea how freaking awesome it is to look at your wife, tell her to get on her knees and take you in her mouth, and have her eagerly comply? I didn't until a couple of months ago. And we were (nearly) sexless a year ago. 

My wife is similar to yours in between the sheets. She responds to me, but only takes charge every third leap year or so.

She wanted to be submissive to me. In order for that to happen, I had to become someone strong enough to earn that from her. I have embraced it and it has been awesome. 

You are missing out on an amazing opportunity. She wants you to take charge. Show her you can.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Ray:
> 
> Do you have any idea how freaking awesome it is to look at your wife, tell her to get on her knees and take you in her mouth, and have her eagerly comply? I didn't until a couple of months ago. And we were (nearly) sexless a year ago.
> 
> ...


Because the old me used to be a control freak that really not somewhere I want to go. Plus I know my wife and she really doesn't get off on being ordered around, in or out of the bedroom. I also couldn't treat her in a way I'd object to being treated myself. I want sex to be spontaneous and freely given, not a choreographed act that one of us thought up. It just doesn't work for me. I also can say that although she is awesome at it, she is not a huge oral sex girl. When I've asked her for it in the past she has always done it for me, bu for wasn't nearly as good as when she wanted to do it for me. 

That said. We got each other's lists. Hers was quite a bit shorter than mine as I included many small tid bits and she mainly stuck to the big things. But I think we both learned things from them. I know I did. 

Last night was interesting to say the least. I was back home and we were planning alone time. Until I said something to upset her and then missed that she was upset about it. I had already lit candles for making love and preceded to blow them out and get ready for bed. this upset her even more and we ended up talking for quite a while and I was sure sex was off the table. Once I even asked if I should relight the candles and got no real response. Eventually the talking turned to kissing and you know where that lead. And the sex was awesome to say the least. For almost the first time ever she told me what was feeling good and what was not. Definitely a step up from the usual. And yes, she followed my list and needed no instructions for me. 

But what blew my mind most about last night is that in over 20 years of marriage we have NEVER had make up sex ever. Why do you think I blew out the candles. Mark that as one more in a line of firsts for our marriage recently. 

I love my wife 
Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Re: She wants me to teach her*



Rayloveshiswife said:


> Because the old me used to be a control freak that really not somewhere I want to go. Plus I know my wife and she really doesn't get off on being ordered around, in or out of the bedroom. I also couldn't treat her in a way I'd object to being treated myself. I want sex to be spontaneous and freely given, not a choreographed act that one of us thought up. It just doesn't work for me. I also can say that although she is awesome at it, she is not a huge oral sex girl. When I've asked her for it in the past she has always done it for me, bu for wasn't nearly as good as when she wanted to do it for me.
> 
> That said. We got each other's lists. Hers was quite a bit shorter than mine as I included many small tid bits and she mainly stuck to the big things. But I think we both learned things from them. I know I did.
> 
> ...


If I order my wife around anywhere but the bedroom she is like a cat in a sack. The bedroom is our special exception.

As for controlling, if you don't have the ability to separate it from your past maybe it is not a good idea.

I am glad you had a good evening with your wife. Continue the dialogue and don't be afraid to take some chances.


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## 1971 (Mar 7, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I love my wife
> Ray
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's wonderful Ray, fabulous news.

.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Reading the resoonses I feel I came accross wrong. In my eyes, my wife knows how to please me. That woman has knocked my socks off sexually on many occasions, and I know she still can if she wants to. I think it quite possible that I might be comming at her so hard that it hard to switch from receiving to giving. I don't know, it's a conversations we will have to have to find out.
> 
> Ray





GettingIt said:


> One more thing . . . I get the feeling your wife might be trying to tell you something about herself and her sexuality when she says or hints that she wants you to "instruct her." Okay, I'll just say it: my kink radar is going off just a little.
> 
> Projection? Maybe. Worth looking into? Maybe you'd like to talk to my husband.


I agree with GettingIt (and the others) who are suggesting that your wife wants you to take charge in the bedroom. Don't confuse this with domination/submission, giving orders, being forceful, etc.

You said above that she knows how to please you, yet rarely does that. Why? It doesn't seem like it's because she doesn't WANT to (given your recent comeback from the brink). To me, it just sounds like it's her personality in the bedroom.

Now, the two women with whom I've had the most experience with over my lifetime couldn't be more polar opposite when it comes to sex.

My ex wife was the initiator I'd say about 60-70% of the time. BUT, she would (like your wife) essentially just lay there and I'd do all the work. On the rare occasion, she'd take charge, but it sure wasn't often.

My current wife, on the other hand, initiates less than 10% of the time, if that, but she does anything BUT just lay there.

In retrospect, I am certain that my ex wife would have been more into it had I taken charge more, and/or figured out what made her tick. A huge reason for our breakup was that (I now know) our sex life was lacking. Whether it was lack of communication on her part or mine, who knows. Bottom line, she led me to the bedroom time and time again, but I never seemed to quite figure out how to blow her mind, so to speak.

Is it her fault for not telling me what she wanted/expected? Partially. Maybe I was too dumb to figure it out on my own. Your wife IS telling you, after 20 years, and you're damn lucky she is. I didn't get that luxury (nor did I get 20 years of time to figure it out... I got maybe 2-3 years of marriage and living together before she went elsewhere to have her needs met.)

So in some respects, you have a personality type like my ex wife's on your hands. She leads you there, but doesn't communicate to you what she wants you to do beyond that.

Now she is. So take it and run with it.

You see, personalities outside of the bedroom almost always vary considerably inside the bedroom. I see now that my ex wife probably wanted me to be more dominant, which I wasn't. I KNOW my current wife is the one who wants to take the lead more often than not. Me personally, I'm a more dominant personality IRL, but in the bedroom, I prefer the woman to take charge, tell me what to do, etc. And I definitely don't mean in a dom/sub way AT ALL, more that I want my wife to communicate to me what she wants. 

It sounds like your wife is telling you how SHE is, which is somewhat how I am. And this is why my ex wife and I had so much trouble in this regard - we were both the same in the bedroom. Both of us wanted the other to take charge, and neither of us did. So take charge.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

alexm said:


> I agree with GettingIt (and the others) who are suggesting that your wife wants you to take charge in the bedroom. Don't confuse this with domination/submission, giving orders, being forceful, etc.
> 
> You said above that she knows how to please you, yet rarely does that. Why? It doesn't seem like it's because she doesn't WANT to (given your recent comeback from the brink). To me, it just sounds like it's her personality in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


I do get what both of you are saying. For the most part, I have been taking charge, or leading in the bedroom for our entire marriage. I don't really mind that for the most part as long as my needs are met and she is willing (at least once a week) to make love to me and not just receive. Also within that is a sharing of different sex styles, she likes it fast and furious, and I like to take my time and not be rushed. We just recently got that ironed out and both agreed that for the most part that during the week when time is short, sex will be mostly a "throw her down and take it from her" thing (she loves this and can't get enough of it). And on the weekends we will take our time and make love. It's on those times that I will be expecting more involvement from her. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

That us funny Ray. My wife and I have a nearly identical agreement. It sounds like you are rocking it. Keep it up!


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

HI 

responses below yours. 


RAy said 
But what blew my mind most about last night is that in over 20 years of marriage we have NEVER had make up sex ever. Why do you think I blew out the candles. Mark that as one more in a line of firsts for our marriage recently. 

Judith; I didnt write all of what you said in here and something you did and she said is what helped to make sex happen. 
Women need to have the issue talk through before they can have sex. Women cant do sex like men for the most part when there is an issue that is interfere in the sex. Your wife is learning that talk it through can lead to sex which is good. 
She was upset at something you did or said and it needed to be talk through because that is usually for the most part what women need. 

Women are not like men who can have sex even when there is an issue. Men can have sex and put the issue on the back burner and then return to it. Women cant. We are relational and your wife is learning that that is why she needed to talk it through and then have sex. She is learning male female differences in this as you and that happen. 
That is part of the process. for a lack of better way in saying it. 

She also had to make a decision on whether to continue with sex or not. We women come to sex through our mind. and males come to it through -body for a lack of better way in saying it. 

It was good she saw that you both talk it through and you could have sex. etc. 

The key to remember is you talk it through. That is what led to make up sex. That is what she is seeing. See my responses to cuddlebug in how i write on here. This is general to all. too besides you

Judith


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How about she slowly teases you all day... then your hunger is so intense by the time you get to her that you throw her down and take it from her. Daily.  Would that make you feel she is involved?

My fire is seriously lit when my H displays aggressive hunger. 

What does the "slow" give you and what would you like to see from her then?


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## U.E. McGill (Nov 27, 2013)

See the things is Ray, you can have some crazy fantasies. You can even ask your partner to help you with them. Say "if" your wife was a sub and wanted to be "ordered around" that's her thing. It doesn't reflect on you at all. By giving this to her it doesn't reflect on you. Even if your not that kind of guy, it's a gift to her. 

What ever it is she wants.


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## HisPlaceofInterest (Feb 27, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> How about she slowly teases you all day... then your hunger is so intense by the time you get to her that you throw her down and take it from her. Daily.  Would that make you feel she is involved?
> 
> My fire is seriously lit when my H displays aggressive hunger.
> 
> What does the "slow" give you and what would you like to see from her then?


My wife is the exact same way! And it gets me in more trouble than anything. I am a naturally aggressive person, who after decades learned to control it. My wife does NOT want it to be controlled in the bedroom. If I ever hold back, she knows and it kills the mood faster than the marshmallow giant in ghost busters. The more vocal and expressive I am, the hotter my wife gets (and crazier).


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Be happy she is communicating! My wife won't tell me what she wants, just wants me to KNOW. Says it's a turnoff if she has to tell me what she likes. Try something new & most of the time it's "How could you possible think that's sexy?" It turns into more of a control issue. Once in a great while I find something good. Be a lot easier with some communication.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Be happy she is communicating! My wife won't tell me what she wants, just wants me to KNOW. Says it's a turnoff if she has to tell me what she likes. Try something new & most of the time it's "How could you possible think that's sexy?" It turns into more of a control issue. Once in a great while I find something good. Be a lot easier with some communication.


Of all the things we have done to rebuild our marriage, talking about our needs in sex has been the most difficult and caused the most sleepless nights. But of late, it's been getting better as we learn to trust each other more. It's allowing me to go out of my comfort zone and try new things both in and out of the bedroom. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Of all the things we have done to rebuild our marriage, talking about our needs in sex has been the most difficult and caused the most sleepless nights. But of late, it's been getting better as we learn to trust each other more. It's allowing me to go out of my comfort zone and try new things both in and out of the bedroom.
> 
> Ray
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Yes, talking about sex, not in general terms but in personal terms is extremely difficult. But it gets easier and easier. add to that, the fantastic results of renewed and deeper intimacy and the comfort level gets better and better.

Makes you smack your head every now and then thinking of all the time wasted on subterfuge and inference.

Well done Ray!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, talking about sex, not in general terms but in personal terms is extremely difficult. But it gets easier and easier. add to that, the fantastic results of renewed and deeper intimacy and the comfort level gets better and better.
> 
> Makes you smack your head every now and then thinking of all the time wasted on subterfuge and inference.
> 
> Well done Ray!


Isn't that the truth. You have no idea how much time I wasted trying to hint and Manipulate my way to better sex with little to no results. 

Only time will tell but the lists we made for each other last week were extremely helpful for both of us. Also, the sex has been off the charts awesome since then. She has even said she is enjoying taking our time making love. Which has never been her. She has always been a Wham Bam, Thankyou Ma'am type woman. 

Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

maybe you can experiment around a little. Say to her "monday is your night, i will do all i can to get you to have an orgasms(s). you do not need to worry about me at all.

But Tuesday is my day. you have to do all you can to give me multiple orgasms, and i will not help you along with your own orgasms.

Then Wednesday, we try to please each other simultaneously"

see if the day where it is her job to get you off opens up her mind a little.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Yes, talking about sex, not in general terms but in personal terms is extremely difficult. But it gets easier and easier. add to that, the fantastic results of renewed and deeper intimacy and the comfort level gets better and better.
> 
> Makes you smack your head every now and then thinking of all the time wasted on subterfuge and inference.
> 
> Well done Ray!


Some of you will have read my posts...sexless marriage...I will leave when the children leave etc etc
Of course I would much rather sort things out with my wife than leave.

If we were sexually compatible and she understood how important sex is to me - and I mean love making sex not duty sex - then it would go a long long way to resolving all our associated issues.

As much as I and our MC have tried to talk to her about sex and how important it is in a marriage she simply clams up and refuses to talk about it....even in a secure and 'safe' environment. The most she says is that I am a sex maniac (wanting it 2-3 x a week isn't unreasonable is it?) and she simply isn't interested in sex.

Its very sad that because she can't/won't talk about it is very likely she will spend the last 30-40 years of her life alone.

If Ray and his wife have managed to talk through some very difficult and intimate issues then I have every admiration for them....as I do for any couple who realise they have a problem and resolve it TOGETHER.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You're right Askari, I don't see much hope for your marriage if your wife thinks 2-3 times a week is outrageous and refuses to talk about it. You're also right that it is sad that she might end up alone. But truthfully, who can say this would make her unhappy? She may be quite relieved to not feel defensive about her lack of sexuality and you might feel extraordinarily relieved to find that there are women who can appreciate the value of a sexually expressive relationship.

Frankly, I think the time you're investing now, waiting for your kids to grow up is wasted. I also think you should tell your wife you are only sticking around to help raise the kids and have given up hope for your marriage and that you plan to leave by a particular date. Who knows? Maybe she will begin to take you more seriously and look in the mirror.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> maybe you can experiment around a little. Say to her "monday is your night, i will do all i can to get you to have an orgasms(s). you do not need to worry about me at all.
> 
> But Tuesday is my day. you have to do all you can to give me multiple orgasms, and i will not help you along with your own orgasms.
> 
> ...


Wow! Yiu must have been in our bedroom, because that exactly what we do. I'm a truck driver and keep ungodly hours at work. During the week I'm in bed before 7pm and I'm not home Monday and Wednesday night. So sexy during the week is to her liking, fast and furious. And on Friday and the weekends, when there is more time. We make love slowing which is more to my liking. Oddly enough, each of us is comming around more to the others style of making love.
Ray
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Here is a good book for her to read:

http://www.amazon.com/Great-Girlfri...UTF8&qid=1413818479&sr=8-1&keywords=lou+paget


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi Ray

responses below yours


Wow! . Oddly enough, each of us is comming around more to the others style of making love.
Ray

Judith: I am sorry you see it as odd. But women are wired to be slow. Women dont understand why they need to be slow when they have issues with sex. 
It is good she is come around to slow because that is what she needs and women dont realize that they are hurt themselves when they rush. 

Usually the reason women have issues with rush etc or anything like it is they dont understand how their body works. Info on the net will tell you that a woman needs to be slow because she needs 20 minutes of foreplay to transition her mind from mother to sexy woman. 

Or even in some cases longer. A person i am talk to i shared with with friend/him that he needed to probably increase the time and it worked. 
Which it would work because a woman is wired to be slow biologically. She has to make a decision to want to keep going internally in her mind and emotions before her body kicks in because our whole body is wired to move together at some point...

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Hi ray. 

You can't expect a lot from her yet she doesn't know anything about sex 
She does have to learn from you given her history

The other thing you can't rely on the books that are for couples who have no issues ...

Will finish later

Judith


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

I was off by my days 

Judith


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