# Would like a man's perspective?.. (women too)



## Claire (May 1, 2009)

Hi All, I have been dating a man for about 1.5 years. about three months ago we made major life decisions and have verbalized the fact that as far as we are concerned this is it.. we are committed to each other till the end, he moved two states to come here with me .. we aren't living together yet b/c I have young children and we are taking it slow from that perspective. 

OK so, here is the question... we both are divorced. We met not too long after the previous long bad marriages ended. We both made the statements that we'd Never remarry again early in our relationship. .. He was more adamant in his commentary.. about 3 months into our relationship he reitterated that he would NEVER marry again, that it just ruined everything. .. so here we are 1.5 years later.. and throughout our relationship,.. he has still made derogatory comments about marriage.. not often but little things like.. passing a church and seeing a wedding and saying.. 'poor kids have no idea".. which has led me to believe he still is adamantly opposed to the idea. so I never bring it up.. I'm happier than heck with him and feel his commitment to me so it hasn't been an issue. However, I am now starting to have a change of heart, I really would like to be his wife.. I dont' feel it is necessary, just something psychological about it.. I Love him so much I can't imagine just being his "girlfriend" forever. ... At anyrate.. he was married 30 years first time around and is in his 50s, very successful man... and while he has denounced marriage... lateley there have been comments sprinkled in that would seem a little to the contrary.. Right before he moved here in the course of a heated conversation about his ex.. he slipped "if I am ever lucky enough to ask you to marry me"... I ignored. ... Then a couple of months ago he went to see his parents and told them about me.. in recanting his visit, he said.. they asked me if I am going to marry you. I pretended I didn't hear him and changed the subject .. He reiterated a few mins later, and I still just focused on the other parts of his conversation.. .. a couple of months pass and he's now gone to see his parents again for xmas and calls and says "my parents asked me again if we are going to get married and I told them we didn't have plans to , they asked if we planned to live together and I said yes but always have her kids best interest at heart".. I quikly diverted the topic to other things.. I realize what I am doing, it makes me very uncomfortable to talk about the topic of marriage b/c he so adamantly said he would never do it, and now that I find I think I want it , i just don't want to get shot down so I just ignore any reference to marriage in any way... He has still, in between those three references to "our being married".. made derogatory comments about marriage in between... 

So, what is going on here?.. from the male perspective.. seems to me that a man that would NEVER marry as he proclaimed early after his divorce... would avoid the topic of marriage at all costs?..or am I wrong.. In all fairness I made the same proclamations, and I also have made the same negative comments along the way about it.. so is he having a change of heart like I am.. and just fishing to see if I am still adamantly opposed to it? Or am I reading more into it than that?


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Claire

Why cant you just talk to him about it. Start the conversation with him and say "I have noticed you have brought marriage up several times over the last several months" Let him know that you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him marriage or no marriage. Let him know that you have all the reservations about marriage he has but you trust him and do not have a problem with marriage if that is what he wants.

That is my "guys" perspective.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

Gone fishin.. Why don't I discuss it Honestly?..If I'm honest, it is my own fear.. Because, I have discovered within myself I think I really want to get married and I'm scared to even discuss it and find he really does still have the "I WILL NEVER" mentality and it mess things up, or make him feel pressured to have to do it to keep me happy when he really doesn't want to. I honestly think he'd do ANYTHING to keep me.. at least it is the way he makes me feel, but I don't want him doing something he really doesn't want to do either... I would find no joy in a marriage like that at all.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You dont give your age although you do give his. To be in a bad marriage for 30 years is more than life sentences today. You cant expect him to forget this so quickly. What exactly do you want or expect. To marry or would you be happy just to live together.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Claire

The most important fact that you must address in a relationship, married or not married is happieness itself. I think you have already addressed this. You are very happy. So, stop focusing on the concept of marriage and let the relationship continue to grow.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

I agree Gone Fishin.. and that is what I have focused on ..it has only been recently that I have been having the realization that I didn't like the idea of being "girlfriend" forever.. and I think it started surfacing a couple of months ago when he would make a point to tell me his parents were asking, 

Accept.. I am 9 years younger than he is and was in a 20 year marriage... that was terribly unfulfilling.. in fact it is uncanny how similar our marriages were.. and amazing how totally different our relationship is. 


Do I HAVE to get married.. probably not.. but at the same time, I would certainly like to at this point I think... I almost feel like if he told me he was open to it.. It wouldn't matter to me if it ever happened.. I think I just have an internal thing going on that if he loves me that much why woulnd't he want to?.. Does that make sense?


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

also... this I think is what really has me on the topic.. or at least playing a big role in it..If my children were adults, as are his.. the living together part would be fine indefinately.. but fact is, I have three kids ages 9-14... and feel uneasy about living with a man I am not married to while they are in the house.. 

My kids adore him and vice versa, I think they expect that we will eventually all be under one roof (kids that is)..

I always thought of myself as an open minded person and had no problems with people choosing not to marry, so I'm a little surprised by my feelings right now


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

No it doesnt and that is what i tried to point out. I suppose he loved his ex also at the beginning and then it went sour. I dont believe in living together but I think that is all you can hope for at the moment. Would he agree to that.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

accept said:


> No it doesnt and that is what i tried to point out. I suppose he loved his ex also at the beginning and then it went sour. I dont believe in living together but I think that is all you can hope for at the moment. Would he agree to that.


oh.. of course we will live together, that is the whole reason he moved two states to get here.. I live in a small town, he is used to living in large metro areas... .. so this was a HUGE leap of faith for him to pack his bags and root himself here for the sake of my kids not having to be away from their father... We are always talking about our plans of the type of place we will be looking for to live in.. so that is definately the plan.. we have committed to each other for the long haul.. I'm just curious about his recent references to marrying me... It almost seems like he is feeling me out, b/c when he tells me that his parents are asking about it and I ignore it and keep talking about something else he makes a point to repeat that they asked... 

I would be thrilled if he is having a change of heart.. as I have slowly had a change of heart over time myself.. but I just don't want to put pressure on it that isn't necessary.. but I also don't want to ignore his probes either.. so I guess that is my main question here... do you think he's probing to see if "MY" mind has changed on the topic and we are both too chicken to actually approach the topic with the other.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My wife and I lived together for 8 years before we were married. She never pressured me. Not once... There were no children involve though. I wanted to marry her because I WANTED children. I think she was scared to be a mother. We were getting old then. We now have a 8 year old.

Like you I wanted to be MORE than just boyfriend/girlfriend...We were more than that. 19 years later we are still together. We have MAJOR issues, but I know/hope we can work them out.

If I were to divorce, I would have a very hard time remarrying. If that were to happen I think I would be broke for many years.

During those initially 8 years of dating. Even before we lived together I was faithful with her. There were several opportunities that I turned down because I was crazy about my future wife and didn't want to mess that up. 

I don't know if you are worried about HIM finding somebody else and being married will prevent that. I think you are probably the new and improved lady in his life and MAYBE he doesn't want to tie you down. He may be afraid YOU will leave him.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

Already Gone said:


> My wife and I lived together for 8 years before we were married. She never pressured me. Not once... There were no children involve though. I wanted to marry her because I WANTED children. I think she was scared to be a mother. We were getting old then. We now have a 8 year old.
> 
> Like you I wanted to be MORE than just boyfriend/girlfriend...We were more than that. 19 years later we are still together. We have MAJOR issues, but I know/hope we can work them out.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response.. I don't think I am afraid of him leaving me at all, I've never felt more connection or commitment from anyone... I think our relationship has just evolved to something more... like you say.. More than just a girlfriend.. and that seems so insignificant for what we feel for each other. I am NOTHING like his ex and he is NOTHING like mine.. we both dated people in between our relationship that in retrospect were just carbons of what we left.. so I think, as far as relationships go, we have a better chance of surviving than if we had stuck with the people before us. .. I think we both are realizing what we have .. and for me, now that I feel that level of confidence.. I would like to marry just because of what it symbolizes.. and for no other reason.. before.. I had the feeling that marriage was a crappy crappy way to live and a trap and didn't think I'd ever feel like it was a trustworthy union.. 

So again, to my question.. WOULD a MAN that was ADAMANTLY opposed to marraige even risk the uncomfortable discussion of it coming up by mentioning others are asking.. if his mind weren't changing too, or am I reading too much into it?


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

He is throwing up test balloons to see how you'll respond. The next time he mentions the idea of getting married (don't bring it up yourself, but seize the moment the next time he does) ask him if he is reconsidering his former position, and take it from there.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

maggot brain said:


> He is throwing up test balloons to see how you'll respond. The next time he mentions the idea of getting married (don't bring it up yourself, but seize the moment the next time he does) ask him if he is reconsidering his former position, and take it from there.



So you are reading this the way I am.. ok, I kinda felt like that might be what was going on. I don't feel the need to bring it up.. not now anyway.. 

I just occured to me that.. hey wait a minute... if he is so adamantly opposed to it, why would he put himself in a position to have to discuss it if I had changed my mind and tell me no.


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## maggot brain (Nov 28, 2010)

Why ignore it if he brings up the subject? He will bring it up again. Think now about how you will respond. Don't give him a yes or no question, respond in a way that will give you some real insight to his thoughts.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It seems to me he may be in the same boat you are.

Was adamant against marriage, being with you has softened him towards the idea but he won't bring it up because he told you he was against it/
Is probably confused by his own change of heart and he's fishing to find out if you might have changed your mind too but he's not getting any clue from you so he stays confused.

It's kind of silly, you two need to discuss this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

you are right, it is silly.. but I don't want him to misinterperet the subject by thinking I am pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do.. nor do I want to look like a fool.. my own insecurities that I'm recognizing and admitting to. 

But glad to see that others are interpreting his mentions of it the same way I am and not me totally looking for clues that aren't maybe there.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

And ya know.... lots of important things will come up that you will need to talk about, even if you don't want to. Sometimes, (ok, in my case) NOT talking was the norm in the past relationship so that was baggage that I brought. 

If it's all as good as you think it is (and I TOTALLY get that) then talking about what ever comes up, without being afraid of pushing the other away.... is the icing on the cake!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Claire said:


> you are right, it is silly.. but I don't want him to misinterperet the subject by thinking I am pressuring him to do something he doesn't want to do.. nor do I want to look like a fool.. my own insecurities that I'm recognizing and admitting to.


Heh, it`s probably his insecurities about looking like a fool that keep him from bringing it up.

Look, someone`s going to have to take the chance and start the discussion.You`re here obviously trying to figure it out so why not you?

Just tell him that you are happy with the way things are but you`ve gotten some mixed messages from him on the topic (his parents questions and his reaction to them) and let him know being with him has softened you to the idea and want to know where he stands on the subject now.

Just make sure you let him know if he hasn`t changed his mind you`re perfectly fine with the way things are....no pressure.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

Hey Claire...

This kinda relates... My wife and I haven't said "I Love You" in way over a year now. Now I think both of us are afraid to say it because we may think the other may not really feel the same way. I want to say those words, but I am still undecided as to how I feel and how I think she will respond. Maybe he doesn't want to loose what he has with you and is not quite sure what your goals are with him.

Maybe tell his something like you want to get life insurance and want to put him as a beneficiary, being that your kids are minors and you want to know what role he would play with your children if that were to happen.


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Claire

Read you post about your children being a factor. You sound like you have both feet on the ground. It should be a concern. I can see your point.

Honestly, I do not think I could do that to my kids. In the best case there should be a traditional family unit. It sounds like your boy friend also has both feet on the ground. He may be thinking the same thing. It is best for your kids being so young to look at this male figure as a step father rather than a boy friend.

Maybe we are both old fashion. Don't know but you should at least discuss with him at some point before he moves in.


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## Claire (May 1, 2009)

Thank you for all the feedback so far, 

He returned home last night after a week of being away for the holidays.. and AGAIN made a point to tell me his parents asked if we were getting married... I was taken off guard! LOL., I was quickly thinking.. Oh!!.. I'm supposed to respond to this (after this conversation on this board) LOL.. and all I could do was joke back with him and say.. oh? did you tell them you proclaimed you'd NEVER marry me from the beginning and just laughed it off.. and then was thinking .. you idiot! he was giving you a perfect opening. .. later, he made some reference about how we relate to each other and then commented that that had been missing in his previous marraige and felt is was so important for a good marriage to continue.. 

So, I'm starting to feel like, he definately has it on the brain.  and that makes me happy, I didn't know if I would do well reconciling how I was beginning to feel about not wanting to be a lifelong girlfriend.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Claire said:


> So, I'm starting to feel like, he definately has it on the brain.  and that makes me happy, I didn't know if I would do well reconciling how I was beginning to feel about not wanting to be a lifelong girlfriend.


Talk to him Claire.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

He seems like a good man. I agree.... talk to him.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

He's putting it out there.... opening up the conversation. You should quit being surprized now...lol, and just go with it. 

I didn't care if I actually got married again after my divorce. When I met this guy and knew THIS is it... I knew I could be committed without marriage. He wanted marriage tho, and that cemented it for me. Plus, we have 7 kids in their early 20's between us, we should be good role models. We've blended families, share grandchildren, share insurance and the mortgage...and SHOW the kids what grown up love and life really look like.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

If you didnt already know...your latest conversation confirms it. He wants to marry you and is but is throwing soft jabs to test you out first.


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