# too fat to love...



## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.

I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!

In the same 12 years he's gone bald and put on about 70lbs. 

About 3 months ago he told me I needed to get a job and that "things would be better if you earned an income too". I;ve been a SAHM to our 9 yo ADHD/learning disabled child. He said he's sick of not being able to live it up like his buddies who's wives also work. He wants overseas vacations, a new sports car, fancy house, etc..

Am I really just an object/trophy wife? Do people really think this way? I thought (and felt) that if you loved someone you loved them regardless of how they look. Its the person inside that you love.

Would love some honest feedback here.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

brokenbythis said:


> My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.
> 
> I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!
> 
> ...


I think the way you look reflects more then just superficial trophy wife objectivity. It's a reflection of your day-to-day routine and behavior. If my H put on a lot of weight it would not just be a change in his appearance but also a change in his behavior, and I would find him unattractive. There's a difference between just growing old and things starting to sag and accumulating behaviors that cause you to put on a lot of weight. The latter is unattractive to a lot of people. 

You said he put on some weight too and if it bothers you then you should tell him. But he doesn't have to look at himself all the time. He looks at you and maybe projects a little more disgust your way since he might not like himself very much either. He might even be blaming you a little for not liking himself and not being able to change. 

Also sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.
> I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!
> In the same 12 years he's gone bald and put on about 70lbs.


Going from a size 10 to 16 is noticeably different but it’s not as drastic as he makes it sound. At your height (especially after having kids) it’s not like you went from being Rachel Ray to Rosie O’Donnell or anything...

I don’t believe that your husband left you because you went from a size 10 to a size 16. If he did, even though I don’t think it’s necessarily wrong for a spouse to point out/be bothered by weight gain (it depends on how they approach you about it), I think that’s rather shallow reason to leave the marriage. So, I think it’s just an excuse (probably one of many) that he’s using to pin the separation on you and was probably intended not to improve your relations with him but to hurt your feelings. 

If your weight gain really did bother him, first – he should practice what he preaches and not be 70 lbs over weight and telling you to lose the weight from his soapbox. Why should you have to be the trophy wife if in return, he’s no stallion? Secondly, there are much nicer, more constructive ways to say that the weight is an issue. The way you’ve written it here, it sounds like he was just throwing it in your face and being a jerk.



brokenbythis said:


> About 3 months ago he told me I needed to get a job and that "things would be better if you earned an income too". I;ve been a SAHM to our 9 yo ADHD/learning disabled child. He said he's sick of not being able to live it up like his buddies who's wives also work. He wants overseas vacations, a new sports car, fancy house, etc.


Were the two of you separated at this time? Has there been any history of infidelity on his part?... it might be looking into. It sounds like he was on his way out the door already and wanted you to get a job so he’d feel better about walking. 



brokenbythis said:


> Am I really just an object/trophy wife? Do people really think this way? I thought (and felt) that if you loved someone you loved them regardless of how they look. Its the person inside that you love.
> 
> Would love some honest feedback here.


Honestly, I don’t think going up 3 dress sizes in 12 years is that drastic and your husband is hypocritical if he thinks his weight gain was is acceptable but yours is not. 

But here’s where my opinion becomes less popular. That being said, (and I’m speaking generally here even though I use the word “you”, so don’t take it personally)....

I think it’s unwise to get comfortable/let yourself go in a relationship just because, _“It’s on what’s inside that counts.”_ Love is in large, what is on the inside that counts but appearance/taking care of yourself is important too whether you’re single or have been married for fifty years. 

If hypothetically speaking, my husband stopped brushing his teeth, combing his hair, wearing deodorant etc. and wore sweats all the time, I don't think I'd be very turned on - but the love would be there.

Unless you’re visually impaired or met via some pen-pal situation, you were both attracted to each other in the beginning because of what you looked like. It was learning more about each other/personalities/character etc. that developed the love. BOTH spouses should try to maintain their appearance and look attractive for one another.

Still, a little weight gain is no reason to leave the marriage and I think there is a lot more that he is not saying or hasn’t been revealed here or discovered by you at this time. You gained some weight, sure but he didn’t do a good job at staying in shape himself. I think he’s saying these things to be an ass and not out of a desire to be constructive or forthright and frankly, he sounds like a tool.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You are married to an a$$hole...


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Excuses. He's probably cheating and wants you to feel like the bad guy/ failure so he doesn't have to admit the truth of his shallow behavior. However, you're better off without this idiot's daily hypocritical judgment of you, even if his jabs at your self-esteem make that hard to believe right now.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

Well, looks DO matter.
He married a slimmer woman than you are.

That being said, it IS horrifically difficult to get a handle on ones diet and health habits. Otherwise, the whole world would be sleek and sexy. (It isn't).

Try to be true to yourself and not let him define you but consider finding the fortitude to work on your appearance. If not for him, since he is really not very lovable anymore......for you.

To empower you. So you feel healthy and strong and know you look _good_!


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## nandosbella (Jul 6, 2012)

It sounds like your hubs hit a mid life crisis.... Or hes just a jerk. Dont let him make you feel badly because it is about whats inside, and a good man would realize that. Ive since had surgery but i was a size 22 when i met my hubs. And he had some serious concerns about me drastically losing weight cuz he was worried if hed still be attracted to me. Then he realized he loves ME.... Big, small,.blonde brunette, whatever.... As long as it was me. 

I hope you find someone better who deserves you! Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

First, I agree with the posters who say your husband is having a mid life crisis. He's taken a look at his life and is unhappy with where he is at. Like most people, he has some mental guideposts that he uses to see if his life has been a success. In his case, it sounds like he was expecting that by this point in his life he would have the financial freedom to pursue travel, buy man-toys, and also have a family that didn't absolutely rely on him to support them and make the lifestyle possible. He also expected to have a loving and attractive wife, typical children, etc. So... when he looks at his situation he sees places where he has come up short against his measuring sticks, he looks around to see which of the things could be most easily addressed, and thinks -- aha! if she would do x, y, and z my life would be better. The problem is that he can't make you change unless you want to, and even if you do change it won't necessarily make *his* life any better.

Having said that .... how disabled is your ADHD son? The school year is starting and if he is in a mainstream classroom/ school, it seems like you would have an opportunity to look for a part time job. This would be a good thing for you to do, since if your husband continues to be unhappy with his life, he may ultimately file for divorce and then you'll have to work.

As far as the fat issue -- my advice is to say "you're right, honey. I have put on weight and I would like to be healthier and more fit so we can set a better example for our kid. I think you would be happier and healthier if you exercised, too. Let's do this together. And then set a goal of doing a 5K run/walk, or reducing your cholesterol levels by 30 points, or whatever seems like a joint goal you could work towards.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Couleur said:


> First, I agree with the posters who say your husband is having a mid life crisis. He's taken a look at his life and is unhappy with where he is at. Like most people, he has some mental guideposts that he uses to see if his life has been a success. In his case, it sounds like he was expecting that by this point in his life he would have the financial freedom to pursue travel, buy man-toys, and also have a family that didn't absolutely rely on him to support them and make the lifestyle possible. He also expected to have a loving and attractive wife, typical children, etc. So... when he looks at his situation he sees places where he has come up short against his measuring sticks, he looks around to see which of the things could be most easily addressed, and thinks -- aha! if she would do x, y, and z my life would be better. The problem is that he can't make you change unless you want to, and even if you do change it won't necessarily make *his* life any better.
> 
> Having said that .... how disabled is your ADHD son? The school year is starting and if he is in a mainstream classroom/ school, it seems like you would have an opportunity to look for a part time job. This would be a good thing for you to do, since if your husband continues to be unhappy with his life, he may ultimately file for divorce and then you'll have to work.
> 
> As far as the fat issue -- my advice is to say "you're right, honey. I have put on weight and I would like to be healthier and more fit so we can set a better example for our kid. I think you would be happier and healthier if you exercised, too. Let's do this together. And then set a goal of doing a 5K run/walk, or reducing your cholesterol levels by 30 points, or whatever seems like a joint goal you could work towards.


I actually kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago, then had my resume done, started applying for jobs and landed a plum job right near home. Amazing since I had not worked for 9 yrs. Our child is in private school (small class sizes) and is doing well.

Here's the thing: I actually like the way I look. 

Yes I guess sometimes I think I could lose a few lbs, but I never think OMG I need to go on a drastic diet, work out every day and drop 50 lbs. I like myself the way I am. I know I'm still an attractive woman. I take care of my skin, hair and wear nice clothes. I never look like a slob. I love to cook and eat out.

It sucks he has such a problem with it... in the same time frame we've been married, he's put on 50 lbs (at least), lost his hair, developed BP and cholesterol problems, needed viagra, etc. He's so quick to point the finger at me but I LIKE me!

Yes he's definitely envious of his buddy's lifestyles. We went thru a foreclosure last year which knocked him about mentally. I rolled with it and moved on. We should never have bought that house and I told him so 7 yrs ago. He insisted he was not going to rent and bought it on an interest only adjustable loan. We all know how that went... He's resentfull he "missed out" on buying boy toys due to having to support a family. Mind you me staying home was a mutual decision we made together. All of a sudden it doesn't suit him any more since he wants more money to live it up.

Did I mention the MC strongly suspects he is Borderling PD. He's had emotional affairs and still has one "special friend" who he refuses to stop seeing. Hence I will not tolerate it, I will not play second fiddle to anybody so I asked him to leave.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

There are all manner of opinions about weight gain, and whether or not a spouse gaining weight is a "legitimate" excuse for a divorce, and who or what is it blame for weight gain. I'm still recovering from the comments made on the "main" forum about that topic. 

Your husband has undergone drastic changes to the way he looks, his weight gain is beginning to affect his health, including giving him ED. That's a whole separate conversation from a purely cosmetic angle. I'm assuming he has little to no interest in addressing this. 

I agree that this seems like he's pointing the finger at you because he has not accomplished what he wants in life, or feels he needs in comparison to his friends. It is far, far easier to blame someone else, than come to terms with being to blame yourself. 

It's great that you've got a job and that your son is doing well in school. I think you should keep at the job, as - there's a chance this could turn to D soon, and it's easier to get a job on your terms than scramble as a SAHM to find a job after a D goes down. 

If you want to R, you need to insist on some kind of IC/MC. Him blaming you for everything he deems wrong in his life, or worse, blaming your son is wrong.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> I actually kicked him out of the house 3 mths ago, then had my resume done, started applying for jobs and landed a plum job right near home. Amazing since I had not worked for 9 yrs. Our child is in private school (small class sizes) and is doing well.
> 
> Here's the thing: I actually like the way I look.
> 
> He's had emotional affairs and still has one "special friend" who he refuses to stop seeing. Hence I will not tolerate it, I will not play second fiddle to anybody so I asked him to leave.


Congratulations on your job and I'm glad that your son is doing well. It makes things easier for you, because you do not have to put up with unacceptable behavior.

I'd say that you should continue to live your life as if you do not need your H. (Basically, I"d tell you to do the 180, but it sounds like you are already doing it.) 

Are you guys still in MC?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Coleur: Thanks for the well wishes! No he quit MC after I kicked him out.

He told me he's not ready to file anything yet. I told him I can wait and we can work on stuff (and ourselves). But I won't wait forever and no, I won't tolerate his girlfriends.

The thing with emotional affairs is they keep that person from connecting with you. As long as they have someone else to run to, to tell their problems to, they are creating distance between the two or you. Its not healthy and its definitely not the sort of marriage I want.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

How come ALL THE CHANGES are supposed to be on YOUR part?

Why do YOU have to lose weight, but HE doesn't?
Why do YOU need to get a job, but HE doesn't have to get a better-paying one?
How come it's YOUR fault you guys don't take overseas vacations, but it's not HIS fault?
How come YOU seem to be responsible for HIS happiness (or lack thereof) and he has to make up for it with emotional affairs?

Your husband is a selfish, immature personality; and WHY you'd EVER want to take him back (when he finally decides he's done having an EA with his 'special friend') I don't understand. WHY are you letting HIM decide your future? 

"My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage." WOW! Apparently if only YOU'D been thinner, YOU'D brought in more money, YOU'D let him have more boy toys, YOU'D magically created overseas vacations for the two of you...HE wouldn't have needed to cheat! How could YOU possibly have been SO SELFISH to FORCE him to have to act like that?!?

WTF? Now that you've kicked his azz to the curb, MAKE SURE IT STAYS THERE. He's made it clear that he'd rather have his EA than a marriage with you, so take him at his word! Let him HAVE his EA, move on with YOUR LIFE (with your great new job), and you and your son can build a NEW life where you are each important and worthwhile.

I think your estranged husband is a whiny douche-bag!


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I love it when people say, "If you do this or that, then things will be better!" Some people will do or say anything to justify how they actually feel about themselves but will put it off on another person. In other words, they usually will find fault with another person when they are really the ones not happy within themselves. You're not losing anything.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm still stinging about his weight gain remarks.

I feel like an object. He sees me as an object not a special person with feelings, hopes and desires. I have suspected for a few years he was ashamed of me as we stopped socializing when I gained weight and he has not invited me to any of his work functions either.

It hurts... it hurts when you love someone regardless of the way they look or the fact that they age. And they critisize the way you look. It makes me feel horrible. I really feel like a piece of meat that's been tossed away.


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## wodensworn (Sep 16, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.
> 
> I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!
> 
> ...




I think the guy's a ****.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

wodensworn said:


> I think the guy's a ****.


Agreed - and a hypocrite to boot. There's a distinction that needs to be made between the sort of general decay that almost everyone goes through as they get older and the kind of weight gain the OP is talking about.


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## relate (Sep 8, 2012)

This is a touchy subject which unfortunately, is frequently answered wrong on this forum. If you take a look at experts like Michele Davis, she makes it quite clear that if becoming overweight has created a problem in your spouse's sexual attraction towards you, then yes. You DO have an obligation to fix that, and no, his or her loss of attraction is NOT shallow or abnormal. For the record, Davis has many accolades and is very highly regarded in marital therapy field. 

That isn't to say your H is right either - after all HE has also let himself go, and therefore is also equally obligated to buckle down and fix it. He approached you about this in all the wrong ways. I noticed a few viagra/ED comments were posted. You guys should be careful when using that theory. Many men will simply go the drug route when their spouse doesn't arouse them. Quite often they don't have ED, but just aren't sexually aroused by their spouse anymore. I do recognize that it's gentler on the ego to say he can't function rather than explore the possibility of it just being you, but it does happen. Often. Don't take this personally though, it's not meant to be an insult - you could be a supermodel and this could still happen. There's a saying I heard once: "for every Cindy Crawford out there, there's a guy who's tired of F-ing her" I can guarantee you there's a lot of guys out there who supposedly aren't working "down under" but have no problem whatsoever with a different partner. Guys know this happens. I don't think many women do. Although I have seen cases where women won't reach O with their man anymore but will not only O with a hot new guy, but have multiple O's, and be wet before they even take their pants off. It happens.

And there are so many other side issues not being addressed here. We haven't heard much in this thread about how many and what attempts you guys have made to spice things up. Do either of you make any attempt to be sexy, seductive, playful or flirty? If not, could there perhaps be underlying self esteem issues? If you don't feel sexy in your own skin, you're not going to feel sexy with your partner. Have you made efforts to connect physically besides just sex?

Anyway bottom line? If either of you have changed your physical appearance from what your spouse finds attractive, and it's affecting your sex life and intimacy then as Michele has stated yes - you did this, and now you must fix this (meaning both of you). The shallowness argument is in itself just that - shallow and without insight or substance. Don't make the mistake that people who haven't educated themselves about this issue have made - don't allow yourself to use it as an excuse to not do anything about it. And most important of all - do this for YOU. It's your health.


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Sounds like he's having a mid-life crisis...


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

Both me and my wife have put on significant weight during our marriage(me - 25lbs and her - about 35lbs)and it HAS effected our sex life no doubt.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Certainly it is sad when physical issues become some important. One hopes that each can respect the other and criticism usually doesn't help. Your point that wives tolerate and accept various physical changes is a fair one. That said, one can understand his position. 

Women say, let's communicate, talk, tell me how you feel. Yet when a husband expresses his opinion about weight, they get angry. Thus, it's really, let's communicate, but only about those things I think are important. And if women tolerate weight-gain in their husbands, (because sex frequently occupies a secondary role after children), they frequently have no qualms about expressing their views about his lack of earning power. If women are not happy with their houses and hope to live in a fancier neighborhood, they will say that, though a man may be quite sensitive about his wage-earning capacity and ability to support his family. 

While women may say they cannot lose weight, note that when they are getting married, women are generally successful at losing weight. Likewise, it is not uncommon for a woman after divorce to lose 20 pounds. From a husband's perspective, it's not that she can't lose weight, but that she doesn't want to. She may feel, he should just accept me the way I am, though few women will accept a husband saying, just accept your current apartment or house. 

Men are comfortable with trades or exchanges. If you still love him, I would get on a vigorous exercise routine and diet, and put aside the psychologicial issue that you may be doing this for him. 
Obviously once you lose the weight, you have the high ground to comment about his weight should you choose.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

To me when you are single and trying catch the eye of a girl or a guy it's very important to look good to increase your odds, but once you are married for several years it becomes less important but you still can't just let yourself completely go, or indeed your sex life will decrease for sure.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> In the same 12 years he's gone bald and* put on about 70lbs*.


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

and has the nerve to put you down


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

All points duly taken! Well I've lost 42lbs of the weight I put on, so far. And I did it for me, not him.

It doesn't matter anymore if I still love him or not, since I found out he is dating a woman from his past I told him I'm done, I don't want to work on our relationship anymore and I am filing for divorce as soon as I can afford to retain and pay an attorney. He seemed shocked.

Game over for me. The door was still open a little for me, but once he starts dating others and we're not even legally separated or filed for divorce, the door has been firmly shut.

He had the nerve to tell me he didn't think that way. That the door was still open for him and he could go back to his wife (me) if I CHANGED. Remember he doesn't have to change a thing.

Yes mid-life-crisis is fully in swing for him, coupled with borderline personality disorder. A perfect storm for a permanent split.

There's no going back now. Unfortunately.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

yeah, he is seeing and sleeping with other women during his MLC and kept you as a backup option. He will come back though. Kick him out when he does!!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

warlock07 said:


> yeah, he is seeing and sleeping with other women during his MLC and kept you as a backup option. He will come back though. Kick him out when he does!!


Kick him in the [email protected]$ - then kick him out.

Sorry to hear. Keep up the good work with the weight loss!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> the door was still open for him and he could go back to his wife (me) if I CHANGED. Remember he doesn't have to change a thing.


Tell idiot-boy that you're not ANYBODY'S "plan B".

Tell him YOUR 'plan B' is much younger, smarter and HOTTER than him!


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## itisonlyme (Jul 13, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.
> 
> I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!
> 
> ...


Your husband sounds just like mine. I am 162cm and size AU10 and he says I should lose weight and be as I was 10 years ago, I kind of agree utill I couth him making requests to ten year younger girls on line dating site, he is 10+ older than I am. 
I am hoping you will find your answer here. 
Yes, I agree with you on loving personality not how they look like but in reality male population (apologise for these that are not) are mostly influenced by media and unreasonable pictures portrayed there. I am not making any excuse to anyone. 
In my experience people judge other people by their appearance as if you see someone in dirty clothes you will make your judgement, regardless if there is reason behind it, on same side when you come to really know that person you will find that your first expression was wrong. 
To me he sounds like someone in midlife crisis whatever it is.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

brokenbythis said:


> My estranged husband informs me today that my weight gain over the past 12 years affected the way he felt about me and contributed to his leaving the marriage.
> 
> I'm 5 ft 8" and a size 16, used to be a size 10. I know I need to lose the extra weight but... we all know how hard it is!
> 
> ...


Your husband is a jerk. He also might be having a midlife crisis. Wanting more from life. It doesn't make him a bad person. It only seems to be a problem if the woman gains weight, doesn't it?

I lost weight pretty easy after my children - I had to completely cut out soda pop and fast food. I stopped eating meat except as a side dish. (Think stir fry) I lost.. 65 pounds in 6 months. Exercise? Haha hardly.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I agree, your estranged husband is a complete jerk!

Most if us gain weight as we age. It's extremely difficult to lose since our metabolism slows down. Losing weight is a lifestyle change of eating and exercising. I gained 100lbs 3 times after each child. I did lose the weight, for myself. I loved to eat. A women's metabolism is different then a mans metabolism.

I eventually became a runner in my mid 20's, I was thin and toned. My self esteem was finally at a normal level. I had a freak accident mid 30's and broke my neck and now I'm disabled. Luckily I can still walk, but not far. Naturally I put on about 30 pounds quickly. I've been working hard to get it off, but not for my husband, I do it for myself. He loves me at any weight and is extremely supportive. He also begged me to stay home with the children and that he would provide for us. Now I'm unable to leave the house and work.

I do weigh more then I did 12 years ago when I married my husband. I was underweight when we married. Not once has he ever cared about my weight. He always calls me sexy and beautiful. 

My ex h was a different story. He'd always call me fat(which I wasn't) and I was never good enough for him. He would buy me exercise equipment as gifts. I was ticked! I left that marriage as he is abusive, controlling and unfaithful.

I've completely changed my look since I married my husband. I had short hair when I married him, which is now very long. I rarely wear makeup and naturally I have put on a little weight. I changed my eating habits to eat healthy and I do bike a few minutes a day. I do this for myself and no one else. I do have some insecurity issues, but I try to keep them to myself.

My husband does not ever criticize me in any way. Nor do I criticize him. I believe that builds up resentments and arguments. 

Good luck. I hope you are able to find happiness within yourself. Living with someone that's always belittling and putting you down is a horrible way to live. I've been there. I do stand up for myself and I do not let others bring me down anymore. Take care.


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