# Suspect she's active on a dating site.



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

Hi all,

Here's a breakdown of my situation:

I've been with my girlfriend for two years now. We met on the dating website "Plentyoffish" in 2010 and pretty much hit it off instantly. Although we are unmarried and do not live together, we stay active by seeing each other in the mornings before work (we work at different locations about 10 miles apart), for an hour or so after work, for a few hours each day on the weekends, and nightly through phone calls.

For the most part, our relationship's pretty strong but the last month or so has been a little _sketchy_. She almost always initiates the call before bedtime but lately we've gone several nights where she didn't call and I'll get a call straight to her voice mail when attempting myself. When meeting the next morning, she would say that she just lost track of the time in her bedroom and didn't notice the call. This has happened about 4x times in the last month -- this never happened prior to about a month ago. 

I've since become a little suspicious and pondered the thought that she may be having an affair. Since the two of us met by way of online dating, the most logical thing I could think of is that if she is indeed cheating, she would prefer to find someone again through a dating site. So I made the rounds and started looking on Plentyoffish, OkC, and Match. 

What I found was that a profile on Match.com looks eerily a lot like my girlfriend, but there is no 100% 'Smoking Gun'. For instance:

Similarities between girlfriend and dating profile:

- both she and the profile are age 27 and asian (there's one listing within a 50 mile radius of a 27 year old asian female). 
- the book listed as 'last read' was a book she told me she was reading about 3 weeks ago.
- it says the person 'likes fish' and doesn't own any pets (my girlfriend likes fish and doesn't own any pets and doesn't really care for cats and dogs since they make her sneeze). 
- the profile screenname has the first two letters of my girlfriend's name, followed by a series of random numbers. 

Odd things and differences between profile and my girlfriend:

- the height on the profile is 5'5", while my girlfriend is 5'1".
- my girlfriend is a gemini, while the profile is listed as taurus.
- the profile says occupation of 'student' and 'some college', while my girlfriend has a job and a bachelor's degree.
- the profile has NO PICTURE of the person, but yet it is a highlghted green profile which indicates a Platinum PAYING member on the site. 

Another odd thing I've noticed is that the profile I'm talking about only seems to come online shortly after we talk or around 11pm to midnight. The times I've looked from 9am to 7pm or so it's never been online. This profile also seems to be logged in at least once a day.

As I said, the write-up looks very similar to my girlfriend's but there are a few differences. And there is no photo. I'd have to be a paying member to even message the person behind this questionable profile.

Suggestions, please? I'm sure someone else has been in my situation before.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) under her car seat.

Go to Bestbuy and pick one up for $75 the get some velcrow tape and plant it in her car.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Make a fake profile and see if she wants to meet you. Tell her to meet you at a coffee shop then see what happens
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

Is it legal to plant a recording or GPS in her vehicle if that vehicle is not mine? As I mentioned earlier, we are unmarried and also drive separate cars. I own mine and she owns hers.

Per suggestion 2, I've thought about that. It'd cost $40 to sign up for a month just to send a message on there.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> Plant a VAR (voice activated recorder) under her car seat.
> 
> Go to Bestbuy and pick one up for $75 the get some velcrow tape and plant it in her car.


I suspect bugging a girlfriend's car is more than a little illegal. He doesn't even live with her.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask her.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

badbane said:


> Make a fake profile and see if she wants to meet you. Tell her to meet you at a coffee shop then see what happens
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a good idea....you can get photos off flickr that are real.

The trick is in getting her to respond. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

badbane said:


> Make a fake profile and see if she wants to meet you. Tell her to meet you at a coffee shop then see what happens
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ask her if she like pinacoladas and getting caught in the rain.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya becareful of the VAR police...there everywere and when they catch you they will put you away for ever. LOL

I guess when it come to the legality in how I prove if I'm being decieved, lied to, and made a fool of.... then I really don't care, but thats just me.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

the guy said:


> Ya becareful of the VAR police...there everywere and when they catch you they will put you away for ever. LOL
> 
> I guess when it come to the legality in how I prove if I'm being decieved, lied to, and made a fool of.... then I really don't care, but thats just me.


I understand water boarding is a great way to get the truth out of someone... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

I'll also add that I've snooped and looked at her phone a few times to see if there are any in/out bound calls or txs. So far I haven't seen anything concrete but she does have 2 phones. She always uses a pre-paid that I gave her and has her old cell phone that she used before we met and that is supposeldy a back-up phone for like $10/mth. There were a few out of state numbers she'd called on the prepaid - no local numbers from this state that I could recognize.

But, there was one day a few weeks ago where I was looking at her phone and she saw me. I played it cool like I was just looking at apps, but she might be more cautious now if she caught onto that I'm poking around for clues.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OK, if you're dating the #1 question is if you've had a talk about exclusivity in terms of dating as well as physical relationship (whatever the level of that). 

If you haven't then even if that profile is not hers there is a chance that another one could be, or that she could assume that without an agreement of exclusivity that yes, she could be on any dating site or even out socially without the benefit of a dating site.

You have some choices. You can communicate your concerns and desires to her, which is likely the best thing to do if you want to set a precedent for problem solving in your relationship, as well as raise the level of intimacy/vulnerability in it, you can wait and do nothing and choose to use the issue as an opportunity for personal growth (i.e. being more resilient in a relationship where you feel vulnerable), or you can hedge and perhaps say something vague to her about fairness and equitability in a relationship, and then post an obvious profile of your own (whehter or not you choose to do anything with it, is your business, maybe you just want to put it out there as a matter of equitability, not to really do anything one way or the other...)

2010 is in the rear view mirror, so it may be that she isn't seeing growth in the relationship and wants something more than what you have now, either logistically or emotionally. From my point of view, it sounds like you have fallen into some kind of comfort zone and are happy with the present arrangement, going for the ride and neither distancing yourself or drawing closer to her. Do you ever talk about the future with her, even theoretically?

For me, I know for a fact my guy was online, and because we haven't been together for that long, took it as a sign that he needed to have freedom if not in actual practice at least in place. So I informed him that I liked relationships where there was equanimity and made my profile visible and updated it. I knew for a fact that I was not actually going to do anything about it, but that was my business, not something I needed to inform him about. It was to balance the relationship, at least from his viewpoint. I thought about it and felt that it was not manipulative, in fact it was the kind thing to do, as it communicated freedom for him to continue or to digress. For whatever reason, he decided to continue. I'm not very sure of the rationale behind it, maybe it was my attitude. Nobody likes to date a pushover, or to feel they have something that nobody else wants. 

I was good natured about it, and likened this to doing the Mongolian Waltz, something you have to Google to understand. All relationships are about 1) movement in syncopation 2) counterbalance 3) positive spirit (i.e. not malicious, but friendly, even when competition or conflict resolution is required) and 4) keeping your seat (center of gravity, both figuratively and metaphorically). If you are not paying attention to all 4 aspects of your relationship, you are not dancing, and if you are not dancing, your relationship is stalled. I guarantee that even marriage will not bring the dance to a halt. It is required to stay on your feet while you are in a relationship. People change and evolve over time. So you have to always be aware and to stay engaged in the 4 aspects. 

Conflict like thinking she is on a dating site is not a bad thing. It is something that she is doing on her end that you must assess, think about how it affects you and what you might learn from this development (whether it's in fact true or not), and then decide where to put your center of gravity next, how much to pull away or to pull her closer you need to do to keep moving, together. If you're not willing to do any of that and want to maintain the status quo, you might want to find a new partner. It's also possible it's not her profile, and she's as satisfied as you are, in which case the status quo can continue until changed by outside influences, such as one of you having a major life event health wise or losing a job or getting a better job offer somewhere else, etc.

It sounds like you're obsessing, so you need to do something about that, even if you do nothing about anything else.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Stealthy said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Here's a breakdown of my situation:
> 
> ...


She may be losing interest. Did you ask her why she didn't call you those nights? What was her excuse? Remember even the POTUS has time to make a phone call.

Even if you join the dating site & message her, she may not respond.

One important "clue" - did she lie on her orginal dating profile?


----------



## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

I'd ask her point blank. If she gives you an answer you are still not so sure is the truth, then you can start the PI session.


----------



## donders (May 9, 2012)

You don't spend the night at her place and she doesn't stay over at yours?

After 2 years.. that doesn't seem like a very progressive relationship.

She doesn't "notice your call".. that says that you aren't very important to her and she isn't interested in your nightly talks anymore.

Joining the dating site is pointless, it's a waste of money and there's no guarantee she'd respond to you, especially since you wouldn't post a picture.

The odds that the match.com profile is hers, is extremely high, she's fudging on the height a bit and astrological signs are BS anyway. Some college vs college degree is a fairly minor twist, she could say to a guy that she doesn't like to put it out there that she's got an advanced degree and makes good money.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> I understand water boarding is a great way to get the truth out of someone...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


really? did you just compair waterboarding with a VAR?

hmmmmm. just a little stretch there.:scratchhead:


----------



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

No, we've had trouble spending the night at each other's places because she lives with her family, a strict Asian family. They want her to marry an Asian guy and so aren't happy with me but tolerate it to a degree. I've been thinking that she might be looking for an Asian guy on these sites since there are so few in the area (I'm white). As we both advance in our jobs and she has more money saved we were hoping to get her a place of her own, but the dating site dilemma has made me wonder. We still see each other daily, just not 'spending the night'. She's hinted before that she wishes I could cook for her and be a better housekeeper-type, as in some asian cultures the male is the dominant person in the household to do these chores for the woman. I'm thinking she may feel I'm not 'husband' material and that she thinks her and her family would want an asian guy. But, according to her.. she's only dated white guys in the past. My girlfriend herself was raised in America since a young age but her family is very old and rooted in their culture's tradition (she's the youngest of several siblings) and also her family speaks limited (VERY litte) English, while my girlfriend speaks 100% fluent English. I'll also add that her parents are constantly trying to hook her up with another asian guy who's a friend of theirs and want her to dump me. So there is some pressure to find an asian guy. Possibly she's keeping me around until she's fully secured a replacement, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just blowing up and paranoid here.


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

In the dating site, did you search for specific things and was presented that as a match to your query? It may be that it's just a decoy to get you to sign and fork out the cash. 

Was the book read a mega hit in the last months? Or was it a more unique and rare choice?


----------



## Stealthy (Aug 20, 2012)

I first searched by 'Asian' and by age. As I mentioned earlier, there is only one person within a 50 mile radius on Match who is a 27 year old Asian female. As for the book, I looked on Amazon and it is a self help book from 2004. Doesn't appear to be a continuing big seller in 2012.

This was actually what made my heart sink when I first viewed the profile, as I've known since meeting my girlfriend that she only really reads self-help books. She has a pretty big collection of them.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> really? did you just compair waterboarding with a VAR?
> 
> hmmmmm. just a little stretch there.:scratchhead:


Hyperbole - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

C


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Stealthy said:


> I first searched by 'Asian' and by age. As I mentioned earlier, there is only one person within a 50 mile radius on Match who is a 27 year old Asian female. As for the book, I looked on Amazon and it is a self help book from 2004. Doesn't appear to be a continuing big seller in 2012.
> 
> This was actually what made my heart sink when I first viewed the profile, as I've known since meeting my girlfriend that she only really reads self-help books. She has a pretty big collection of them.


Yeah, that way it does seem a bit too much of a coincidence. Sucks, sorry man...


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The VAR may or may not be illegal but you are not going to use it in a court of law. You just velcro it under her seat and check it out. 

However, since the book is fairly off the wall, it l;ooks strongly like a match.

Have a heart to heart about where she thinks the realtionship is going. Are you considering marriage?

If you don't know after a couple of years(?) its time to move on.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

PBear said:


> Hyperbole - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
> 
> C


I guess my comment is under the same definition!


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Stealthy said:


> No, we've had trouble spending the night at each other's places because she lives with her family, a strict Asian family. They want her to marry an Asian guy and so aren't happy with me but tolerate it to a degree. I've been thinking that she might be looking for an Asian guy on these sites since there are so few in the area (I'm white). As we both advance in our jobs and she has more money saved we were hoping to get her a place of her own, but the dating site dilemma has made me wonder. We still see each other daily, just not 'spending the night'. She's hinted before that she wishes I could cook for her and be a better housekeeper-type, as in some asian cultures the male is the dominant person in the household to do these chores for the woman. I'm thinking she may feel I'm not 'husband' material and that she thinks her and her family would want an asian guy. But, according to her.. she's only dated white guys in the past. My girlfriend herself was raised in America since a young age but her family is very old and rooted in their culture's tradition (she's the youngest of several siblings) and also her family speaks limited (VERY litte) English, while my girlfriend speaks 100% fluent English. I'll also add that her parents are constantly trying to hook her up with another asian guy who's a friend of theirs and want her to dump me. So there is some pressure to find an asian guy. Possibly she's keeping me around until she's fully secured a replacement, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just blowing up and paranoid here.



Stealthy

Dump her. Who cares if she is cheating. She cannot cook and thinks you should do it!

But on a serious note why can't you just sit her down and discuss with her what you are thinking.

Maybe she is just getting tired of you or is succumbing to her families pressures.

You just might get an honest answer.

HM64


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I guess my comment is under the same definition!


Touché!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

