# Question for the ladies...wife doesn't like receiving oral.



## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

This question is mostly directed at the ladies. My wife and I have been married 8 years. Overall I am satisfied with our sex life. She enjoys intercourse; to include multiple positions, she also enjoys giving me oral sex. But when I go down on her she usually ends it within a minute or so saying she just wants to have sex. Shes sort of "clams up" and tries to push me on to other things. I know I've brought her to orgasm once or twice this way years ago but she just won't let me do it anymore.

At first I just tried to go along with it but after a while I kept trying to go down on her and I got the same response. I've told her I enjoy it, which is true. I've asked her tactfully to just give it a chance and it doesn't work. I ask how I should do it and what she likes best. Did I say I tell her I enjoy it? I try to make sure I convey this part and I try to not be pushy about it. I've ruined more than one night of sex over this issue.

All of my previous girlfriends enjoyed cunnilingus. I genuinely want I do it for her because part of enjoying sex for me is bringing my wife to orgasm, which is rare. To be honest, I've admitted to her that it's "about me" as much as it's about her. It's a part of sex that I enjoy and am not willing to let go. Satisfying her is a big part of it for me but she doesn't seem to understand. 

So ladies, am I being stubborn? Do I just need to let it go? Is this common? As a guy I just can't seem to relate. It's an important aspect of sex for me and I honestly feel like something is missing and our sex life is less than fulfilling as long as she is resistant to receiving oral sex. Does anyone have any suggestions? I'm convinced she would enjoy it if she just let go because I can tell it's hitting the right spots for the 30 seconds she lets me do it. I don't know if she's self conscious about it or worried about how she will act if it feels good or what. Again, I tell her over and over that I love being there and doing this for her so she shouldn't feel weird about it. I honestly love the sights, smells and sensations of it all. What can I do? 

Help me make my wife comfortable with receiving oral. 

Thanks to anyone who can give me any feedback or ideas.
JR


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

badsanta said:


> Try a moment if you will to put the shoe on the other foot...
> 
> Let's say hypothetically that your wife knows how to _force_ you to orgasm by stimulating your prostate, but you feel a little uncomfortable with her shoving her fingers and face down there even though she insists that she likes everything about it.
> 
> Would you want her to keep pushing or instead just do things that you naturally enjoy more?


:iagree:


Also I would suggest that you convey how you feel about giving her this, how much you enjoy giving her pleasure that leads to orgasms, how you are totally turned on by the sight and taste of her there, in a nonpressuring way.

Women have a love/hate relationship with their vulvas. We are acutely aware of how the scent changes through out the day and the month. We really can't understand how men are so turned on by the scent because we are not turned on by that scent. This scent thing is, I think, the biggest stumbling block most women have for being able to relax and enjoy oral sex. So if you can convince her that you love her scent, that may help.

Also, some women may be prone to yeast infections after oral sex. Some women are prone to UTI's after oral sex. So check to see if she is concerned about this.

Basically, try to get her to talk to you about what her concerns are.

If my man had a foot fetish and wanted to suck my toes because it totally turned him on, I wouldn't have any problem with it. It would do nothing for me erotically but I'd be happy to oblige so long as he didn't tickle me.

So this may be an avenue to discuss this with her. To see if she would be comfortable indulging a toe sucking desire, yet not comfortable indulging a cunnilingus desire.


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## Vanille (Dec 13, 2014)

"I'm convinced she would enjoy it if she just let go"
^ This statement bothers me. Obviously if she's asking you to stop/move on, she is already not enjoying it. She's not letting go because she is uncomfortable with what you are doing. It sounds like the rest of your sex life is good so why make a big deal out of this one thing?

My husband keeps pressuring me into oral sex and I keep saying I'd rather do something else. I say this for multiple reasons: I'm self conscious about myself down there, even if I just showered/shaved. I don't really enjoy the wet slobber feeling. I've never had an orgasm this way. Plus I've gotten bladder infections from this. It's just not that fun for some women.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

If she's just not into it, there's not much you can do. But like Anon said, you need to get her to talk about it.

I agree with Anon, for some women it is a fear that they don't smell good or that they will pass gas while you are down there. It is pretty impossible to relax and let it feel good if you are worried about that stuff.

But for other women, it simply doesn't feel good, even though you think you are "in the right spot". I recently discussed on another thread that for some of us, the clit is like an exposed live wire that can deliver pain and shock easier than it delivers pleasure. This is difficult to handle and channel in your body for some women. So it isn't all pleasure all the time for some of us, and you would be doing well to try to understand this. Never project what it feels like for YOU to receive oral onto her, because it might not be even in the same ballpark.


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## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

Thanks to everyone who chimed in. I appreciate the feedback whether I fully agree or not. 

BadSanta, I laughed at the honey badger reference. However I'm trying to go about this anything but "honey badgerish." As I said before, I've tried to convey my feelings on the matter tactfully and not overbearingly. 

On that note...Vanille and Lila, I may have portrayed the way I'm handling this with my wife incorrectly. I'm certainly not "badgering" her. If anything, I'm keeping it to myself too much. I may bring it up (i.e. try to convince her I like it) three or four times a YEAR. When I said we've gotten in fights over this issue, it's probably happened once or twice. So I'm very sensitive to the fact that pressing or being overtly persistent won't get me anywhere. I've been married 8 years so I know enough to know that doesn't work. 

Vanille, I appreciate your perspective on the matter as someone else who apparently doesn't enjoy this. I wasn't aware of the bladder infection possibility. I'm not too proud to admit that maybe it's my technique, afterall, I haven't had much practice with it. However, I've made it a point to try many different techniques in the few and short times I do go down so part of me doesn't believe that is the issue. And as I stated before, I have brought her to cilmax years ago (before we were married) from oral. 

Faithful Wife, your point is noted. Another thing I never considered, nor had I heard before. I have tried to ask her if there is a specific way to do this that would make it better or if what I'm doing is too much/not pleasurable. 

Anyway, thank you for the responses. It will all be on my mind in the future.


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## seattle_stranger (Nov 4, 2014)

Maybe you need to get better at it... ;-)

I've definitely met women who don't particularly enjoy it, and it used to baffle me too. It used to kill me because I too absolutely love doing it. The scent, and furthermore the taste is an intoxicant for me. I'm sure nature has its reasons why it triggers sexual arousal in men, but it could be association too. As a guy, especially when single, you're constantly trying to get laid. When you finally get a girl to take off her pants, the first thing you get is that smell of a woman's ready-and-willing vagina, and it's like a confirmation of "Yep!! It's on!!!!"


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## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

seattle_stranger said:


> Maybe you need to get better at it... ;-)
> 
> I've definitely met women who don't particularly enjoy it, and it used to baffle me too. It used to kill me because I too absolutely love doing it. The scent, and furthermore the taste is an intoxicant for me. I'm sure nature has its reasons why it triggers sexual arousal in men, but it could be association too. As a guy, especially when single, you're constantly trying to get laid. When you finally get a girl to take off her pants, the first thing you get is that smell of a woman's ready-and-willing vagina, and it's like a confirmation of "Yep!! It's on!!!!"


Well, I'm not claiming I'm an expert and I'll be the first to admit there's definitely a lack of "practice" going on. I'm inclined to think I'm decent at though because I have "gotten her there" in the past through oral. That was probably 10 years ago though so who knows.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

My wife does not care to receive oral either but she does like to be brought to orgasm by touch during foreplay. 

I still think this could be considered badgering. How many times does she need to tell you she does not enjoy it before you let it go?

Find the things she likes and learn to do them well.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It sounds like she's "just not that into it." Some women are this way.

She may change her mind on it one day, she may not. Thing is, she has to want it. You can't "make" her be into it.

I personally am a great lover of it and I am not interested in being with someone who isn't into it because it's one of my favorite things sexually.


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Does she let you watch her masturbate? If she does, it may be an idea to study really hard at what she is doing. Area, speed, strength. 

When I am receiving oral, I need to have it a certain way and if I do not, I am so not into it and it is off-putting because it is not pleasurable and it is uncomfortable.

You may want to break out a vibrator.


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## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

I see many posts from women and men here who say their husband/wife doesn't like giving oral or doesn't like having sex or doesn't want to do X, Y and Z with them anymore so I don't see how my issue is any different than theirs. But I'm seeing that some people here still think I'm being pushy about this. maybe it's coming off that way in my description but I assure you I'm really trying not to be. Again, I've gone down that road with other things and I know better than that by now. 

Maybe the answer is the one I didn't want to hear and will be a challenge for me to accept, which is that she just may never be into this. Can I accept that? Not sure. I will certainly try but there may always be part of me that sees it as a "missing piece" of our sex life.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Try a moment if you will to put the shoe on the other foot...
> 
> Let's say hypothetically that your wife knows how to _force_ you to orgasm by stimulating your prostate, but you feel a little uncomfortable with her shoving her fingers and face down there even though she insists that she likes everything about it.
> 
> Would you want her to keep pushing or instead just do things that you naturally enjoy more?


Thanks god for what you are getting ,

there are people here dying for cuddle


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## wingman (Dec 1, 2014)

JdR - I can totally identify with your situation right down the the nice oral sex in the early part of a relationship and next to none after marriage. My DW became resentful at even the hint or suggestion of oral sex. 
In a recent heated exchange she said she hated it and it was the opposite of a turn-on. The tension was really killing our sex life and actually led me to this forum. But since that honest talk, things have gotten better. 
I like the advice that badsanta is giving you - don't ask if it's OK - just gauge her reaction. For my DW, she could never say what I was doing wrong or what she wanted. But clearly I need a marked change in approach. And when I stopped focusing on it, it happened - a good brief enjoyable encounter of oral sex. 
For the first time my DW could say she why she liked it and what I had been doing wrong. I don't think she ever knew what she wanted until she experienced it. It was fun and playful and had a purpose and intent - we even gave it a name "the 5-second rule". Will it be a major part of our lovemaking - hardly - but it went a long way to lift the resentment that hung over our bed. 
Good luck! You seem like a very caring partner.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Was she sexually abused by a family member? A boyfriend is not a family member, a husband is. Just asking cause she seemed to like it before the wedding. Do you have kids? If so was her liking it prekids? UTIs could be another big cause. Try kissing around the area enjoying the scent, getting your fix and just leave it at that for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Issues of badly done oral sex, ignoring the sensitivity of the lady parts, molestation, etc.

All of the above can affect sexual inhibition or not liking pleasure of a certain type.

But not having those kinds of issues, I think the OP is trying to figure out why his partner doesn't even want to try for what he knows can result in really, really pleasurable experiences.

It doesn't mean he is pressuring her or pushing her into an uncomfortable situation.

it does mean that there is a less than openness to sharing experiences, that leaves him puzzled.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

JdR said:


> This question is mostly directed at the ladies. My wife and I have been married 8 years. Overall I am satisfied with our sex life. She enjoys intercourse; to include multiple positions, she also enjoys giving me oral sex. But when I go down on her she usually ends it within a minute or so saying she just wants to have sex. Shes sort of "clams up" and tries to push me on to other things. I know I've brought her to orgasm once or twice this way years ago but she just won't let me do it anymore.
> 
> At first I just tried to go along with it but after a while I kept trying to go down on her and I got the same response. I've told her I enjoy it, which is true. I've asked her tactfully to just give it a chance and it doesn't work. I ask how I should do it and what she likes best. Did I say I tell her I enjoy it? I try to make sure I convey this part and I try to not be pushy about it. I've ruined more than one night of sex over this issue.
> 
> ...


boy it's funny...I can read everything you said ...and looking through my own experience WISH my husband did ALL OF THAT in our past.. he was always trying to go down on me too... but unlike your wife, I just DON'T orgasm THAT WAY... it just felt soooo sensitive and I did have hangups like.. "OMG how can he stand that.. YUCK.. what if I smell..that has to taste bad..."....my mind was cluttered with things like this... his not speaking how much he loved it -verbally .. well I just think it could have helped me....soothed my overactive mind...so to speak.....

I suppose his continued trying to go there should have been enough..to this day.. it's not something I crave... I even prefer his hands down there over oral.. However, after getting over these silly hangups I had .. I am so happy, even grateful that he LOVES this, wants this.. and it's a part of our foreplay now 75% of the time...

The fact your wife orgasms this way.. she must have some strong hang ups to not want it.. I am pretty sure I would have gotten over mine REAL FAST if this was the case! 

Are you absolutely sure she is orgasming ??


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Op you said in your first post that part of your enjoyment of sex was bringing your wife to orgasm which is rare. Did you mean she rarely orgasms at any time or just when you go down on her? If she rarely orgasms at all this may be the basis of her reluctance.

How old are you two ..how long in the relationship.?

I ask because when I.was younger and new to sex I had hangups about oral...the look /smell thing. As I became more experienced I was able to appreciate it more. I am 95% orgasmic during PIV sex but unfortunately my husband has rarely ever if at all learned how to get me off manually and only occasionally during oral. I believe it is because I need a very specific location, pressure and friction applied which is very easy to achieve the traditional way for me...and possibly because he may be too focused in his pleasure at the time..lol

Also, I personally find that to feel real release prior to oral, I need quite a bit of arousal foreplay before we go there. Perhaps your wife needs the same. And absoulutely one major turnoff is if my husband has scratchy whiskers! Can 't abide the pricking of a beard, mostache or unshaven face..just my thing.

All that being said,I wish my husband was more willing to go down on me because I certainly do enjoy it now. It would be a great boost to my self esteem to know he enjoyed pleasuring me in that way and reassure me that my pleasure in giving him oral was reciprocated and balanced.


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## Bruticus (Dec 18, 2014)

Lila said:


> OP, please stop badgering your wife about this. Accept the fact that for whatever reason she doesn't want oral sex. Be content with the upteen other things you two enjoy doing to each other for sexual fulfillment. The more obsessed you become over this one issue, the likelier it will be that she starts to resent you. Soon manyof those other fun sexual acts will start disappearing. It's not worth ruining your healthy sexual relationship over...trust me.


what you girls have been saying makes sense. but, what you're basically telling the OP is that he should never go down on a woman again for the rest of his life and he should be ok with that. and maybe he should, but it's not going to be easy for him and it will probably lead to some resentment on his part towards her. I know I wouldn't want to be facing his problem.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Coming from a guy who had sex one time in the last 5 months. Enjoy what you have and be grateful that you are having sex... Perhaps if you enjoy what you have things may open up for you ....


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Human sexuality has an immense number of expressions and some come and go thru out a long relationship. What 20 -year olds find erotic and physically possible will be very different from what 70- year olds find even possible. Does that make their expression of sex any less valid than the youngsters? What one partner may find appealing, the other might not. But I think the ultimate expression of sex in a committed relationship is the love and bonding it engenders no matter what technique engenders it.

OP you are at an impasse sexually because you insist that giving oral to your wife is a need to make you fulfilled. You are focusing on yourself. But examine your motives : is it for your pleasure or hers? Look at it this way: if you loved cauliflower and wanted your wife to appreciate and savor it as much as you but it made her her gag, would you force her to eat it?

Look at the big picture to gain perspective: realise that you have a wife who enjoys and participates in an active sex life for the most part. Read more of this forum to see what real dysfunction looks like and be grateful for what you have. 

My advice is to relax, stop being so rigid in your expectations and definitions of what she has to enjoy to fulfill you, and focus on some other meaningful expression of your sexuality that she does enjoy..it sounds like there are plenty. In time she may come around to feeling different about it. There is a world of compromise in successful marriage and alot of it starts in the bedroom


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## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

Sorry for the long absence. Holidays, you know.

To those who have replied. Thank you. 

@Allwillbewell, Lila and SimplyAmarous, your advice/suggestions are appreciated. 

I would be very surprised if it turned out my wife was sexually abused when younger. I can't think of anyone in her family or otherwise who would do this. Then again, people always surprise me. When I said she has orgasmed from oral, I should have clarified that it was like once...maybe twice. Over 10 years ago. She does have orgasms through normal sex so it is possible for her. I'm guessing it probably just goes back to her being self conscious or it being too sensitive down there. Or I'm trying to do it too close to the beginning of our "sessions." 

@Lila, when you say, "I could see that happening with someone like the OP," I get the feeling you have painted a picture of who I am in your mind and that I'm too stubborn and bullheaded to let this go. Probably not a fair assessment. Is it an issue for me? Sure. That's why I came here. Have I gotten a different perspective on the matter from everyone's advice?...definitely. Do I wish she was more open and accepting of oral?....of course. I think michzz's assessment might be closer to what I'm dealing with and how I feel about it. 

To answer some other people's questions: We have been married 8 years and have two kids, both under the age of 5. Oral was a little more common before marriage but not much. 

Perhaps I will try initiating it farther into our "sessions" and not first thing. Usually when I try to do this, it is pretty early on in the foreplay. Maybe that's my mistake. It's just that once we get going, she doesn't like to stop or switch things up a lot. 

@wingman....Thanks for sharing your similar experience. I think what you describe..."- a good brief enjoyable encounter of oral sex" is probably what I should shoot for. I'll try not to focus on it too much and see if the "brief encounter" after some time off can change things.

@Happybuddha.......your point is well taken. I am thankful for all the other things we experience together. I try to see the positives too. 

Thanks again everyone.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

JdR said:


> But when I go down on her she usually ends it within a minute or so saying she just wants to have sex. Shes sort of "clams up" and tries to push me on to other things.JR


Ok your own words think that tells you all you need to know I assume this is not the desired reaction you wish and no use persisting. From other comments in your OP I think you have an enough experience to know when a girl “clams up” and moves you on it’s not happening and not the desired effect. Good on both of you her she don’t let it freak her out and moves you to things she is happy with, she is not hitting the roof and kicking you out of bed and same way from your words you don’t let it break the moment so sounds good to me.

Great your using and listening to posters so come on man you must have read these boards sounds like you 2 have 95% of action all worked out and will and are rock solid. All I can add is when I want to fine tune some thing in the bedroom last place I do it is in bed. Blood and well hormones are too high so quite lunch give them room to move it away from subject if it is a not talking moment. 

Never know I was dragged home one afternoon from a nice lunch and put to work on fine tuning a matter I had casual chatted about at lunch and I was not complaining in any way for not getting any dessert.

Hope it works out great for you 2. 

P.S all this Stuff is supposed to be fun and not a heavy thing in life keep laughing and having fun together.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Jdr have you ever honestly examined why you have this insistance on sexual fulfillment by this one act specifically?
I wonder whether you have considered that it simply might be too uncomfortable for your wife? Contrary to some things you may have read not all women find it arousing but rather over stimulating and even painful. Perhaps your technique is not as skilled as you believe it to be.
Whatever is her objection to it, whether physical or psychological, it is HER body and you are not respecting it or her feelings by insisting that it must be a part of your mutual sexual repetoire.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JdR said:


> She does have orgasms through normal sex so it is possible for her.


I assume by "normal sex" you mean intercourse. Are you aware that only about 25% of women can orgasm from intercourse?


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## JdR (Dec 13, 2014)

allwillbewell said:


> Jdr have you ever honestly examined why you have this insistance on sexual fulfillment by this one act specifically?
> I wonder whether you have considered that it simply might be too uncomfortable for your wife? Contrary to some things you may have read not all women find it arousing but rather over stimulating and even painful. Perhaps your technique is not as skilled as you believe it to be.
> Whatever is her objection to it, whether physical or psychological, it is HER body and you are not respecting it or her feelings by insisting that it must be a part of your mutual sexual repetoire.


I don't know. I just enjoy doing it and enjoy pleasing my wife this way (among others). Is that so hard to understand? Think of some sexual act you enjoy. Now imagine suddenly your significant other suddenly decided they didn't want to do that thing that you really enjoyed anymore....what would you do? I doubt you would immediately just "move on" without at least trying to talk about it with them, right? 

I have considered it is uncomfortable for her. Several people have mentioned that and I acknowledged that possibility in some of my previous posts in this thread...i'm aware that could be part of the issue. And finally, I never claimed my technique was skilled or I was an expert at it. In fact I admitted it probably needs some work because I rarely ever get to "practice." I've admitted that could also be part of the problem. 

To the contrary, I feel I'm trying to be very respectful of her and her apparent dislike of oral. All I've done is express that I enjoy doing it for her and reminded her that she once liked it. Was I always tactful about it? No. But we've only had two or three arguments about this in all of our marriage. That's what you're supposed to do when there's an issue....talk about it, right? If I didn't talk to her about it or I didn't come here asking people's opinion this would jsut build up and then I probably would end up being overly pushy or disrespectful about it. As others have pointed out, I have many things in our sex life to thankful for and I'm trying to focus on those. I haven't brought up the oral sex thing with her or even tried to do it for over a month now. 

I'm not asking people here to solve my problem. Some gave suggestions and ideas which I appreciated. If I came off as being stubborn about this then I'm sorry. It may take time for me to accept that giving her oral isn't in the cards but I'll try.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I think your approach is wise at this point. Sometimes the best thing is to just to let it go for a while and wait for a possible change of heart from her along with a lowering of your expectations. If she comes around it would be of her own decision, not because you pressured her to do something she wasn't comfortable with. That is respect and love.

And please, don't let this frustration develop into resentment or anger towards her...celebrate her for who she is and enjoy what you do have. As your marriage experience matures, you will be amazed at the levels of connection (even out of the sexual realm) that can be created with honesty, respect and love, which it seems you have now.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I once met someone that doesn't like watermelon.

Now, watermelon's pretty damn good, and pretty universally liked. But this dude, he just didn't like watermelon. I just couldn't buy it at first...

But damn, he just didn't like watermelon.

People just like things, and don't like things. Let it go.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I admittedly haven't read all the replies, but thought I'd respond to one comment you made about her telling you what she likes while you're giving her oral. My fiancé asks this and I honestly don't have an answer because I've never come from being given oral before, so it's an impossible question to answer. It's not that I don't want to...it just doesn't seem to happen. Are you sure she actually came before during oral?

I'm probably not the best to give advice as I just posted a similar topic asking for pointers. 

I'll read the rest of your thread though. I'm sure you've probably given some more info deeper in.


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## Saigo (Jan 26, 2015)

On the education front.. Jason Julius has some good materials. Worth a look.


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