# Step Mom to be... Feeling a little unsure



## mamaZJE (Nov 17, 2012)

My Fiancee has a 4 year old daughter, that I have bonded quite well with. It took me a while because I was afraid to get close to her, but I am finally opening up to the little girl. Her mother is in her life, so I am going to be a Step-Mom, not a replacement Mom. I have 2 daughters of my own, so I know what it is like to parent young children. Here is the thing, my husbands ex is seriously one of the worst mother's I have ever met, and I don't know how to deal with it in a healthy manner. They have 50/50 custody, so I have to deal with her A LOT. Just to fill you in on the bio mom... She gets into relationships quickly, and (on more than one occasion) has given excuses as to why a guy she met 3 weeks before hand is now living in her home (with her daughter). She has let her 4 year old daughter play in her apartment courtyard, while she shut her door in an upstairs apartment. When questioned as to why she did this, she said that her neighbors (that she had known for 2 weeks) were watching her daughter for her. Also, she has been evicted 3 times in the last 2 years, and borrows money from my Fiancee constantly. 

I guess my question here is this, how am I able to just be a support person in this child's life, when her mother is incompetent of properly parenting her? I feel like I am expected to love and nurture this child as my own, but she will never be mine. 

Any comments are much appreciated!!


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Wow. I really feel for your situation. I believe you could be in for a life filled with drama. Blended families are nearly impossible to survive. The statistics are overwhelmingly against you. Most second marriages with children on both sides usually end because of issues with the children. If the children don't hate you simply for being a "step" and try to get you out of their parents life, then you have problems like you just stated here. 

Custody battles are expensive and traumatic. CPS rarely intervenes. I believe the best thing you can do, if you decide to go through with marriage, is to be patient. Be loving to the child when she is in your care. Know that things have a way of working themselves out in time. You can cause yourself a lot of grief by trying to force anything. As a step parent, you don't have a lot of power. Decisions about the children must be dealt with by the biological parents. Let your fiance/husband deal with it and be supportive of him.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Your husband would have to address any custody decisions. In the interim, her disfunctional relationships are her own business. You two should only be interacting in terms of scheduling and the like. Your husband's former wife is not your friend, and you are not in the position of giving her advice. You can make it clear that if she had a scheduling problem ( new guy Bob feels like sleeping over) without discussing details, you would be available to help take care of the daughter. 

You seem to be doing a good job with your daughter and try to continue.


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## JohnPeel (Nov 22, 2012)

If you want to continue with the relationship, you will have to keep your life with your children, you life with your partner, and your partners life with his daughter and ex all apart. And you may be able to have whats left of a life with your partner.

Me ex wife has a couple of new guys a year living in the house or staying over. At first it took just 1 month to introduce my daughters to her new man, after our 20 years together.

You can't let yourself think about this, you partner will already be out of his mind about it, and having to look after his ex. 

Im afraid there will be no room for you, not really, but if you love your partner, keep it simple and try not to let your own children suffer your partners problems.

Easy for me to say, I suppose looking in is easier than being in, as my own problems here will show.

Good luck and I truelly wish you well.


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