# Holiday dinner at ex wifes house???



## Lou68 (Apr 16, 2014)

My BF and I have been together for about 8 months now and he has been separated for about 10-11 months. He has 2 children with ex wife, 14 & 11. I have met them a couple of times and we have been out twice with them, but that is all. Now the ex still constantly texts and calls, but he handles that. Whenever she wants to go out he has to go to their house and babysit the kids and twice he has fallen asleep there which made me quite uncomfortable. Now, the kids have asked him to have Easter dinner with them at their house on Sunday and he feels that shouldn't be a problem with me, but it most certainly is as I feel it is wrong as he has left that house and if he goes it;s just showing them and the ex hope. He lives with me now so I believe he should start bringing them here and having his time with the kids separate from that house. He can't understand that it bothers me so I guess what I am asking is for some advice. He said he would ask the kids if they wanted to do an Easter dinner with him and I on Mon and have their dinner with their Mother on Sunday. What if they say no, then what happens??? I feel caught as to how I feel about it and what the right thing to do is


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

A guy who started dating you 2 months after he separated from his wife probably wasn't emotionally ready for another relationship. Chances are excellent that he hadn't really "let go" and done the healing necessary to completely mentally and emotionally separate himself from his former married life. So, you end up with this sort of situation where he's still got way too many ties to his ex and there's all sorts of messy, confusing, grey areas like what you're experiencing now.

Is he actually divorced?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I mean I gues syou could tell him how you feel and how it makes you feel weird.

A word of caution: this man was only separated for two or three months before you to together and it doesn't sound like he's divorced yet which means he is still married and is already living with you. He has had zero time to process the end of his marriage. He still goes over and sleeps at her house sometimes (twice)? To me it sounds hairy.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Lou68 said:


> My BF and I have* been together for about 8 months* now and *he has been separated for about 10-11 months*. He has *2 children with ex wife, 14 & 11. I have met them a couple of times* and we have been out twice with them, but that is all. Now *the ex still constantly texts and calls*, but he handles that. Whenever she wants to go out *he has to go to their house and babysit the kids and twice he has fallen asleep there which made me quite uncomfortable*. Now, the kids have asked him to have Easter dinner with them at their house on Sunday and he feels that shouldn't be a problem with me, but it most certainly is as I feel it is wrong as he has left that house and if he goes it;s just showing them and the ex hope.* He lives with me* now so I believe he should start bringing them here and having his time with the kids separate from that house. He can't understand that it bothers me so I guess what I am asking is for some advice. He said he would ask the kids if they wanted to do an Easter dinner with him and I on Mon and have their dinner with their Mother on Sunday. What if they say no, then what happens??? I feel caught as to how I feel about it and what the right thing to do is


He's living with you? 

Ya, you are at best the rebound-girl....were you his affair partner? You sorta still are....

Does he even have a written separation agreement with his ex? He shouldn't be sleeping there, and his kids are old enough to have met Daddy's live-in girlfriend more than twice.

Him "falling asleep" and staying over is BS. Holidays with the EX is not moving on either...this has red-flags all over it.

Seriously, this is going in every wrong direction. Time for a real heart-to-heart conversation with this guy. He needs to make some real decisions in his life because it's affecting yours.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What the others have said. IMHO, you guys have moved way too fast, haven't discussed boundaries and ways of handling things (or at least, haven't agreed on those), and you're riding a freight train headed for disaster. Unfortunately, you're bringing his kids and ex along for the ride. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I would ask for a compromise.

You will go to ex's for dinner if he starts bring his kids around your house more?

I think your concerns are all valid and reasonable. 

And NO, he should NOT sleep there, ever. That should be a boundary IMO. Ask him how he would feel if he was in your shoes.

Good luck


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw, his "plan" of two separate Easter dinners seems like a good one, with the exception of "asking" them. He's the grownup. Him and his ex should have a custody agreement in place, at least verbally. My STBX and I split weekends like he's suggesting; one day with her, one day with me. The kids to along with what we decide, because we don't ask them. 

If he needs to, he needs to start getting a formal separation/divorce agreement in place that everyone can live with. If he won't do that, then he's the problem, and you need to start figuring out how to extract yourself from the mess. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

His kids will and should always come first (before you).

Parents feel terrible guilt over what divorce does to their kids. He will always be driven to act by this guilt.

Like it or not, his EXW will have a place at the front of his life, as the mother of his children. And, it's best for these children for you not to screw up what appears to be a good functioning parental relationship in divorce. That's not fair to them, and rememeber they did not ask their parents to get divorced and tear apart the family they were growing up in.

There some guidelines about relationships that you should follow that will probably make you more successsful:
-- Avoid divorced men with kids, particularly recently divorced
-- Avoid living with men altogehter, or at least until you are 100% sure marriage is going to happen
-- Don't allow a man who is divorced with minor chidren to impregnate you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Hmmm. It seems that his actions would be great if the couple was trying to reconcile. But if they're split with no reconciliation, then their actions aren't really helping anyone. IMHO. It goes back to getting too involved too soon...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> His kids will and should always come first (before you).


As a girl friend, yes.

As a wife, I don't think so.

I'm sorry but I'm a husband first, father 2nd. In that priority order.

I'm not talking about who I love more (I don't love one or the other more/less). Just prioritizing.

Eventually, after marriage and all proper steps to build a healthy relationship, OP should be his priority before children.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly, you probably won't be together that much longer anyway (no offense), since you're just a rebound to him. We're not being rude, just pointing out how these things work. Mentally, he never broke up with her.

As for your question, well, he's married. He's going to have dinner with his family.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I'll give my honest opinion. You should live separately until he figures out what he wants. And frankly, you should live separately until he's divorced. 

Don't be Plan B. Either he is committed to you, in which case, he will explain to his children that it is YOUR home and that the two of you will have Easter dinner with them, or he's not, in which case it's just not worth your effort. 

If he is separated, there is no reason for him to spend the night at his ex-wife's place, especially as you have a home with him. The kids can come to your place if they want to feel closer to their father.

Save yourself and back away from this relationship. If it is meant to be he'll develop clear boundaries with his ex and his kids and maybe you'll still be interested, but then again maybe not. Find someone who is completely into you, not someone who is putting you in a difficult, uncomfortable situation!


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

DoF said:


> As a girl friend, yes.
> 
> As a wife, I don't think so.
> 
> ...


Rare in the divorce situation with minor children. This is due to guilt. It is why the divorce rate is so high on 2nd marriges with minor children.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Hicks said:


> Rare in the divorce situation with minor children. This is due to guilt. It is why the divorce rate is so high on 2nd marriges with minor children.


You can blame that on so many things. In general, people simply forget to heal/be ready and take their time with the next mate.

Just rush in and expect miracles without making sure that the person is even fit.


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## Lou68 (Apr 16, 2014)

Thank you everyone for your honest answers/opinions. They are greatly appreciated.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Hicks said:


> His kids will and should always come first (before you).
> 
> Like it or not, his EXW will have a place at the front of his life, as the mother of his children.


Strongly disagree with this. No way. Before they are married, yes they should but NOT after marriage. Spouse first, then kids. Kids grow up and move on with their lives, your spouse will always be there.

My husbands ex wife is in his life only as the mother of his daughter. The only time he has anything to do with her is to discuss issues relating to their daughter. His ex is not an important person in his life, if he never saw her again he'd be ecstatic


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

And to the OP - this has disaster written all over it. Your partner and his wife need a parenting/custody agreement in place. It is HER responsibility to get someone to look after the kids when they're with her, unless in extenuating circumstances.

It is NOT ok for your partner to go off to lunch with the kids and ex, leaving you home alone. Either you and he do something with the kids the next day or he doesn't go. 

The two of you should never have moved in together so quickly...he's not ready to move on from his family - as evidenced by your original post.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I agree with other posters, this is a bad situation for all involved. I would lay money that soon your boyfriend and his wife will try and reconcile. They pretend to be broke up and heading toward divorce but are not creating separation, they are trying to pretend that all is great between them and life can continue as before, except now they each have a different partner. 

They are being so nice and good to each other soon they are going to forget about what drove them apart and decide it was all a mistake, "lets try again". You will be tossed aside, her boyfriend will be tossed aside, the kids will be happy but confused and possibly damaged long term from the screwed up dynamics. After they get back together and the honey moon phase passes they will fall right back into the habits that drove them apart. But at least they each got laid while they were "broke up"

OP you are in a relationship with a married man, he gets you for fun and play time but then gets to go home to the wife and kids and be a Disney dad (all fun yet no responsibilities). He probably thinks things are just perfect, but you are already unhappy and it will only get worse for you.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

From your post I have the assumption that he's still married and separated. Many states include language in legal separations that make it perfectly fine for you to date while separated. Though it's unwise at best.

First - Those are his children. One does not babysit their children. They parent them. 

Second - Why must this take place at the ex's home? Is there no custody/parenting agreement ordered by the court yet? His ex is gaming him. No reason, unless the court specified differently, that his time has to be spent any place near the ex's abode.

As long as he's babysitting at the ex's house, you should kick him out and look elsewhere. If for no other reason than you are wasting your time.


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