# Betrayed



## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for almost 4 years and we have two beautiful children. We had a great marriage and I felt that we both really loved each other. Before we got married there were some trust issues on my part but we were able to get through them since we went into therapy. A few days ago on my husbands way home from playing baseball and meeting with friends I had a bad feeling since I hadn't hear from him and decided to call him to see if he was on his way home. At first he didn't pick up and I could tell he was on the other line. The second time I called he picked up and said he was checking his messages which I didn't believe. I stayed on the phone with him for about 10 minutes and I could tell something wasn't right. He said he was on his way home and I knew he was about 20 minutes away. When 45 minutes had passed and he was still not home I began to worry since I knew he had been drinking. I tried calling him a few times and he didn't pick up the phone. He finally came home an hour later and he looked very out of it and he also didn't have his ring on. I questioned him about the phone calls and he said he didn't hear the phone ringing and he was driving slowly since he had been drinking. I asked to use his phone and noticed 4 calls to a strange number around the time I was calling him. He said it must have been a wrong number calling him. After digging a little deeper the next day and checking the cell phone statement I found out the number was an online escort after I googled the number. I also called to confirm that it was an escort. I confronted my husband and told him that I knew what he had been doing that night before he came home. He tried to deny it but eventually confessed that he met her at a motel. He said this was the first time he has done this and I'm not sure I believe that either. He has been apologizing and he wants to go to therapy together and separately to see if we can fix our marriage. I am so sad and confused. It has been a week and I feel a little bit better. I didn't eat or sleep for three days straight. My mind is constantly replaying the events and wondering why he didn't just come home instead of making a pit stop for a quick "fix" with an escort. He said he's in love with me, he hates himself for what he did and he doesn't know what he was thinking. I really love him but don't know how I can every trust him again. Please reply if you can relate to my situation and have any advice.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

will take 2-5 years before you can trust him again. i am a guy i doubt he is sorry this is something he planned and IF he was sorry he would have confessed to you not you HAVING to bust him.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

I was just thinking and am curiuos on other opinions. With what i have read about affairs is that sometimes WS dont even realize they are in a affair until it to late and all ready blown up into one.. Sometimes its not even pre meditated its just something that just happens sometimes. 

But id think if you calling a escort line and setting stuff up would be more pre meditated... Its not like you had a friend and over time something sparked and you were adventrued into a fog. 

Now that ive thought about that Achingheart, it almost appears like there is a major issue going on with your WS.. It sounds like there might be layers of issue's here that need to dug up to figure out the full extent of why he felt it was necessary to pre meditate going to escorts.. Id almost wonder if there is a possible addiction going on here that you may not no about. Maybe like a long time porn addiction that he has had and is now acting upon. It almost sounds like you might need to do some more digging here. i could be way out of bounds but i just feel calling escorts is a sign of maybe a more of a hidden issue that might now be just starting to surface. 

Right now he is caught and since there escorts he is scrambling because they are a cheap thrill ride with no further ending. So he may say he is remorseful but not sure if it is because he got caught or if its seriously true. You are going to need to set some major boundries here and you are going to have to probably be pretty harsh on some punishment here, you cant let him off scott free here. If you dont lay something down hard i feel this is gonna resurface again.. Not very good advise but here but im get a little more worried when its escorts and not a meet someone and turns into affair..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He planned it. Check the motel. He probably had a reservation. He's sorry he got caught. And why would he take his ring off for a prostitute? What was he doing before he met up with her?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

It's a cheap motel so I think that's where the escort was staying. He claims he took his ring off while playing baseball and didn't put it back on. I really want to fix our marriage. We have a new baby and many things going on in our lives right now. He said it wasn't about our sex life and he's open to thinking this could be a problem he has.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If you listen to what cheaters have to say about what would make them mend their ways, it's about control, consequences, and exposure.

Your H has done something to your marriage & it was all in his control. It has thrown you for a loop and you feel unsteady. You have to take control now, though. It is your life and your decision whether you want to continue in a M with a man who can lie to you and betray you so easily. So easily. You have to believe that you will survive without him, because not only is this true, but you will have a much happier life down the road if you don't have to constantly live in fear that he will continue to break your heart. Say it out loud - he has broken your heart. It's your heart, so take control of your life decisions. Take some time to think carefully about what you want and how you want to live. Don't just jump at a decision now in the desperate hope that he will mend his ways.

As to consequences, you should tell him to leave while you think about what you want to do with your marriage. These are the consequences that cheaters say they pay attention to. It will be counterintuitive to you, but it appears to be all they understand. You need to be firm and appear confident. Tell him that you don't know whether you want to continue in the marriage after his betrayal and lies. Tell him that he needs to leave to give you time and space to think. Tell him that if he wants a divorce he should tell you now.

In addition, you should expose to family. Tell his/your parents and siblings what he has done. He needs to see how the world views a cheater. Many people will act like 'it's just a man thing,' but you need to ignore those people and stay confident about your position.

Control, consequences, exposure.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

alte Dame said:


> If you listen to what cheaters have to say about what would make them mend their ways, it's about control, consequences, and exposure.
> 
> Your H has done something to your marriage & it was all in his control. It has thrown you for a loop and you feel unsteady. You have to take control now, though. It is your life and your decision whether you want to continue in a M with a man who can lie to you and betray you so easily. So easily. You have to believe that you will survive without him, because not only is this true, but you will have a much happier life down the road if you don't have to constantly live in fear that he will continue to break your heart. Say it out loud - he has broken your heart. It's your heart, so take control of your life decisions. Take some time to think carefully about what you want and how you want to live. Don't just jump at a decision now in the desperate hope that he will mend his ways.
> 
> ...


As the one who cheated in my marriage, I'd agree with this. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Also, please remember that talking about the ultimate consequences doesn't mean that that is what will happen. If you read here, you will see that in order to save it you have to be willing to lose it. You need to have enough confidence in yourself to not feel trapped right now. These are your decisions. You can decide to stay in the marriage, but only under your conditions. What those conditions are are things you must carefully consider.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

As was suggested above hooking up with an escort at a hotel is not something that just happens, like I was at a bar, got drunk and this hottie hit on me and we made out in the car.

1. He is/was looking on-line. How long has he been looking? Where was he looking? Did he do this at home at work, where? Where did he look this stuff up? What sites? What accounts does he have? Is he willing to give you all this information?
2. How did he book the hotel?
3. Who is the escort service?
4. How long were you planning this?
5. How many times prior to this did you do it?
6. Who else knows about it?
7. Are there other women?

Those are just a few questions I would want answered.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Get tested for STD's. Have him get tested and have him sign a release to have his report sent directly to you.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

My H said he looked up the website in his car after he left the bar from drinking for a few hours. I know ppl who saw him leave St. Louis metro area of St. Louis county, St. Charles County, Jefferson County areathe bar and they said he left at 10:15. He was home at 11:15. Which means he managed to do all of this in an hour and we live about 30 min away from the bar. So he met the escort for what 15 minutes. Even talking to me during the ride to meet her didn't change his mind. I'm not sure why he felt so compelled to go and get the job done. He couldn't just come home and j off. Instead he came home to me, his mom, dad and our new baby and had a conversation with us about our night. Ughhhhh I'm so pissed off about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

Not sure why the St. Louis thing showed up in the MSG since I didn't write that?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

What kind of conditions should I be considering to offer him to save this marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The time line does not add up. He is lying to you.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

First, you need the whole truth. He obviously knew what he was doing. Given the short time frame, he had to have done some planning.

I would say that he has to first come completely clean so that you know what you are dealing with. You can't make important life decisions from a position of ignorance.

So...I would schedule a time very soon in which you two can talk without interruption. Tell him that you are in the process of deciding what you want to do. Ask him first if he wants to save the marriage. If yes, tell him the only way is for him to tell you the complete truth, not just about this, but about any cheating he has done or contemplated.

Before you talk to him, do some homework. Check his phone logs, text history and the computer history if you can. Arm yourself with as much info as possible.

Come back here for advice once you get his reaction. If you are satisfied that you have the truth and want to continue the marriage, conditions include complete transparency on his part with phones, computers, passwords, etc. & no contact with any toxic friends who might have enabled him.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am going to give you some advice. Back off. Don't say anything else to him about this. It will be hard but back off. 

Sit down and figure out the time line, I am telling you it does not make sense. There is more to this story then you know and the more you push right now the more he will lie. 

No conditions right now. Give yourself some time to get some advice here.

I would ask him for his phone and say you want to hold on to it for a few days.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> The time line does not add up. He is lying to you.


:iagree:

He is definitely lying. One difficult lesson that you need to learn right away is that you can't trust what comes out of his mouth. People say that 'if his lips are moving, he's lying.' Sad, but true in cases like this.

Getting at the truth will be a painful, difficult process & you are nowhere near there yet.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

I checked phone log and crazy as it sounds the timeline is true. He played baseball with my cousin and went to a bar after where he drank for a few hours. Then got in his car and looked up escorts. Quickly found one, called and met her a half hour later at a motel. Did his business and came home as If nothing happened. I believe he has an addiction compulsive problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My WS did this over and over again. When the time line did not add up I confronted her. All she did was lie. It is unbelievable what they will do to you. You will feel like you are the one who is nuts.

He is lying. When he talks to you he is lying. When he asnwers a question he is lying. If he will not give you his phone for whatever reason he is lying. If he dropped the phone in the toilet or drove over it with his car he would be without his phone. So him giving up his phone to you should be no big deal.

Once you get the phone post this on a separate thread. "Need help with cell phone, tracking it, hacking it, etc" and you will get help. I am not a phone tech so I can't help you.

If you get nothing else from me he is lying.

Try not to engage him. It will be hard. Shut down. You want answers they may come. Right now he is lying.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

achingheart said:


> I checked phone log and crazy as it sounds the timeline is true. He played baseball with my cousin and went to a bar after where he drank for a few hours. Then got in his car and looked up escorts. Quickly found one, called and met her a half hour later at a motel. Did his business and came home as If nothing happened. I believe he has an addiction compulsive problem.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, the Thornburn is wrong. Say it isn't so. 

Typically there is more time spent on the deed, etc. See, even old guys can learn things here,

May not be much consolation but you were able to put the time line together fairly quickly. It does make sense now.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

He gave me his phone yesterday and I installed a GPS tracker. I also take it everyday. We are talking but only about this and our children. He is sleeping in the basement for now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I would go to Dr. Oz's website and look up how to spot a liar. Read that article several times. When you question your WS you should have a better feeling about whether he is lying or not.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

achingheart said:


> He gave me his phone yesterday and I installed a GPS tracker. I also take it everyday. We are talking but only about this and our children. He is sleeping in the basement for now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good for you. Dr. Phil has some excellent advice as well. On his website I would recommend typing in "deal breaker" in his search box. Some good articles there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> He planned it. Check the motel. He probably had a reservation. He's sorry he got caught. *And why would he take his ring off for a prostitute? *What was he doing before he met up with her?


He wouldn't take the ring off for the prostitute. He'd take the ring off for himself, to lessen the guilt he would feel for cheating on his wife and cheating on his children.

Beforehand? He was drinking enough so that he'd be drunk enough to cheat, but not too drunk to perform?

*Now he gets to do the heavy lifting.*


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

I told him we need to talk and I need to know more about why he did this. The bottom line is that I know he cheated on me and the kids when he slept with a prostitute. It's been a week and we already went to a therapy session.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK, you need to be strong and firm, no matter how devastated you feel. As I said, you need to have as much information as possible about this before you can commit to conditions to stay together. I'm assuming he wants to keep the marriage together, but you need to know how deep this goes. For example, is this a prostitute that he's 'visited' before? Is there any way to check his browser history, cookies, temp files, etc. or his phone, just to give you some idea of whether there is a pattern that you just found out about now.

Only you will know what you can live with & even with the truth, you probably won't know that for a long time. People go through a real process when trying to recover from infidelity.

So, I would, as I said, be extremely firm and businesslike if possible & tell him that you are thinking about how you want to proceed. Prepare to talk to him about consequences and conditions, but take some time to get as much info as you can & time to think about what you want.

If you decide you want to try to reconcile, then he has to be completely transparent and go completely no contact with any friends who may be encouraging his cheating.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

I will keep posting after I get more information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

The pain will not go away.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Have you made any progress in getting to the truth?

What is he saying he wants?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

achingheart said:


> The pain will not go away.


I'm not trying to be cute, but if the pain went away I'd be more concerned. 

You seem to have a husband with a problem more serious than he is letting on. The question is just how much is he willing to disclose? Here is a man you trusted and had faith in and he has _betrayed_ you as a person, you as a wife, you as a lover, your marriage, your kids and as a family. You should have deep pain in your heart that serves to remind you about what he has done.

I am a big advocate of complete separation and public shame. You need to get your head together and my suggestion is to do so alone. Then, when YOU are good and ready and YOU decide how things will go down then he will abide by what YOU decide and on what terms. 

And do keep up on the counseling together.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

It's gonna take a long time for you to heal here.

I have links in my signature that may be useful to you, about sex addiction, and also my story. My husband used a hooker too.

Would you be interested in doing some reading about sex addiction? Many married men who use hookers are sex addicts.

This book, even though it says it's for spouses of sex addicts, has some really good info for anyone healing from infidelity

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse: How Partners Can Cope and Heal: Barbara Steffens, Marsha Means: 9780882823096: Amazon.com: Books

You also really need to get tested for STD's.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

Hope, are you and your husband still together? If so, how did you make it work and how long did it take you to heal?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

Alte dame, we have been talking about the situation daily and trying to work things out. Hopefully therapy will help.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Did you say in another thread that this was an EA, that is, it wasn't physical?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

doesn't sound like its the "first time," to me. i suggest you look up phone history through your service provider. 

dig deeper.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> doesn't sound like its the "first time," to me. i suggest you look up phone history through your service provider.
> 
> dig deeper.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

I meant it was a physical affair. He claims this was the first time. I did look through phone records and I couldn't find any other suspicious numbers. I also feel that I know he cheated so if it was once or twice I'm not sure if it makes a difference. I just want to find a way to forgive him and move on with our lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Just sweep it under the rug and continue on your merry way.

Why is it that you seem to be okay with above scenario? 

Is he a good provider?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey A Heart---1st stop the MC---waste of money, at this point---he needs to go to IC----he needs to fix, what is wrong with him, in that he would wreck your life, and knowingly destroy the future of his own kid/kids

Are you sure his cousin, isn't covering for him-----why would one go to all the trouble of having an escort for 15 min., knowing what the repercussions would be----what kind of physical satisfaction is he gonna get from a 15 minute quickie---(Take that back---who knows, maybe that is all he needs---doesn't take much to satisfy him, if that's the case)

You need to DEMAND, a POLY---go to the closest police station, and get info from them, on poly's and good poly operators---He does not get back into the family w/out taking a poly---this whole deal is way to strange, based on his story

Also athletes do not need to take off their rings to play a sport---so that is BS

If you wanna stay with your so called H----you need to do the following---along with the poly---your so called H---will sign---a POST--NUP agreement-------he will be completely transparent---he will starting right now---give up all his activities, where he is away from the family---NO MORE BASEBALL, no more outings with his buddies---no more going drinking----NO MORE F'ing ANYTHING----he stays home, and acts like a father to his kid/kids---and a H. to you---he also medically gets tested.

None of the above is negotiable---it happens---or D. immediately goes ON THE TABLE

You do not be mrs lovey--dovey---for a good long time---you are not to be nice to him---be civil, and that is it----he will do whatever you need him to do around the house----and if you wanna talk---he talks, and does not argue/complain/groan/deny about ANYTHING

You have to be hard as nails about this---if you want him to stay in the Mge---he must understand---if he so much as crosses his eyes the wrong way from now on---HE IS GONE

Stand Tall, Stay Tuff, and good luck to you---remember the sun will come up manana---and you DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE IN MISERY, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

Before this he treated me great and I felt we were both very happy together. He's a great father to our two children and I'm very much in love with him. I'm not okay with what he did, but I would like to reconcile some how.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So, the million-dollar question is:

Why does he say that he did it?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I'm very much in love with him. I'm not okay with what he did, but I would like to reconcile some how.


if this is how you feel, you should pursue it wholeheartedly, but in no way is he trustworthy just yet. your lives will change. 


you're gonna have to stay vigilant from now on..... knowing what he's capable of.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

Alte, he says he doesn't know why he did it and he is not ruling out sex addiction, impulse control etc... He says he's in love with me and is fully attracted to me. He hopes the IT will help him get to the root of why this happened after we just had a baby and had so many good things going on in our lives. I wish I could wake up and this never happened.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey A Heart---1st stop the MC---waste of money, at this point---he needs to go to IC----he needs to fix, what is wrong with him, in that he would wreck your life, and knowingly destroy the future of his own kid/kids
> 
> Are you sure his cousin, isn't covering for him-----why would one go to all the trouble of having an escort for 15 min., knowing what the repercussions would be----what kind of physical satisfaction is he gonna get from a 15 minute quickie---(Take that back---who knows, maybe that is all he needs---doesn't take much to satisfy him, if that's the case)
> 
> ...


I am trying as hard as I can to stay strong. Each day is a challenge.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

We all know how hard it is to act very strong when you are crumbling inside.

So...put on the brave face. Act strong no matter what. Tell him that you need time to decide what YOU want to do, what YOU can live with.

This is true. You actually do need time, but by doing this with him, you take the control completely away from him. He is now doing damage control. He is dancing as fast as he can to try to manage you. Don't give him that control. It's your life. You tell him that you need time to figure out what you will do with your life. He needs to be truly afraid of what he will lose, in my opinion. When you have control and he understands the serious consequences, then you might begin to find some clarity regarding your feelings.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

achingheart said:


> Hope, are you and your husband still together? If so, how did you make it work and how long did it take you to heal?


There's a link to our story in my signature. We are still together, but only because my husband is doing everything to fix himself and to stay with me that he possibly can. He attends a 12 step group every week, did IC, we do MC, etc.

As for healing - you're never fully healed, but over time the pain does recede to where it's hardly noticeable most of the time. but again, that's only if the cheater is TRULY remorseful.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you taken a look at the links in my signature?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

*Re: Betrayed ( I am back with more sad information)*

I was starting to come to terms with the escort and my husband and I were going to therapy. It's been almost a month since his PA with the escort. I started to feel suspicious and checked his cell phone history. I came across a message from about 2 years ago with a woman asking him where he was. I asked him about it and at first he said it was nothing and then he admitted that he was having a PA with her on and off every few months. He said he had slept with her before we met four years ago and then he bumped into her after work and it continued again. He would meet her at her apt. in the morning while I was at work or at times when he went out with his friends after work. He claims there are no feelings for her and it was just about sex. I called her and their stories seem to match. She was willing to answer any questions I had and said she had no feelings for him and knew he was married with two children and she continued the affair. My heart is bleeding and I kicked him out and I am keeping the kids away from him for a while until I feel ready to let him see them. I am going to therapy and he is also going to therapy. My heart is so broken. I told his parents and my parents, as well as our siblings and everyone is very disappointed and shocked because he was a very loving husband and father. His family and my family are both supporting me and he feels like he is being cornered. My sister has been getting into nasty texts with him and he is saying how sorry he is and that he is 100% wrong, but he says there were thngs about being married to me that he didnt like and that he wasn't always happy. What step do I take next?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

*Re: Betrayed ( I am back with more sad information)*



achingheart said:


> I was starting to come to terms with the escort and my husband and I were going to therapy. It's been almost a month since his PA with the escort. I started to feel suspicious and checked his cell phone history. I came across a message from about 2 years ago with a woman asking him where he was. I asked him about it and at first he said it was nothing and then he admitted that he was having a PA with her on and off every few months. He said he had slept with her before we met four years ago and then he bumped into her after work and it continued again. He would meet her at her apt. in the morning while I was at work or at times when he went out with his friends after work. He claims there are no feelings for her and it was just about sex. I called her and their stories seem to match. She was willing to answer any questions I had and said she had no feelings for him and knew he was married with two children and she continued the affair. My heart is bleeding and I kicked him out and I am keeping the kids away from him for a while until I feel ready to let him see them. I am going to therapy and he is also going to therapy. My heart is so broken. I told his parents and my parents, as well as our siblings and everyone is very disappointed and shocked because he was a very loving husband and father. His family and my family are both supporting me and he feels like he is being cornered. My sister has been getting into nasty texts with him and he is saying how sorry he is and that he is 100% wrong, but he says there were thngs about being married to me that he didnt like and that he wasn't always happy. What step do I take next?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What do you want to do? If it were me I would file for D. You have no real idea of the truth. This could be the tip of the iceberg. He sounds like he isn't happy anyway and now he's devastated you. So sorry.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Am I correct in thinking that he has been cheating on you essentially throughout your short marriage? Does he say he loves you? Does he care that he hurt you?

He sounds like a serial cheater. If he's been doing it the whole time, you're actually lucky that you found out this early.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Am I correct in thinking that he has been cheating on you essentially throughout your short marriage? Does he say he loves you? Does he care that he hurt you?
> 
> He sounds like a serial cheater. If he's been doing it the whole time, you're actually lucky that you found out this early.


I would like to stay away from him for a while, but I love him so much and I would hate to see our marriage fail. He never confronted me with the issues that he says were bothering him. I am heartbroken and hope I can forgive him one day. He is not contacting me since he realizes I am not answering his calls or replying to his texts. I am so alone and lost but trying to keep it together for my children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> I'm not trying to be cute, but if the pain went away I'd be more concerned.
> 
> You seem to have a husband with a problem more serious than he is letting on. The question is just how much is he willing to disclose? Here is a man you trusted and had faith in and he has _betrayed_ you as a person, you as a wife, you as a lover, your marriage, your kids and as a family. You should have deep pain in your heart that serves to remind you about what he has done.
> 
> ...


Now that the next lie has come out and a long term PA has been taking place throughout our marriage I separated myself from him no contact on my part. He asked me if I would consider counseling and I ignored his texts. He is not overly texting, calling or showing the kind if remorse he was showing when the escort affair came out. He is also mad at his mother for siding with me and his telling family members that I am not perfect and that there are things I need to work on. I'm beginning to fear losing him and breaking up my family. I am being strong but I'd like to know what I should do to scare him or make him realize the magnitude of what he did. I really don't want to file for D yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Am I correct in thinking that he has been cheating on you essentially throughout your short marriage? Does he say he loves you? Does he care that he hurt you?
> 
> He sounds like a serial cheater. If he's been doing it the whole time, you're actually lucky that you found out this early.


I'm afraid to file for D. I'm hoping this marriage can be saved. I know it sounds crazy but I have to give it chance for my family. I just want to know what steps to take so that he will suffer before MC or anything takes place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

remember when i told you "dig deeper" not too long ago?

by your account he's been cheating all along. your whole marriage has been a sham.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

jnj express said:


> Hey A Heart---1st stop the MC---waste of money, at this point---he needs to go to IC----he needs to fix, what is wrong with him, in that he would wreck your life, and knowingly destroy the future of his own kid/kids
> 
> Are you sure his cousin, isn't covering for him-----why would one go to all the trouble of having an escort for 15 min., knowing what the repercussions would be----what kind of physical satisfaction is he gonna get from a 15 minute quickie---(Take that back---who knows, maybe that is all he needs---doesn't take much to satisfy him, if that's the case)
> 
> ...


He and I aren't living together now that more lies came out. I am empty and filled with pain and sadness. He was abiding by the conditions you mentioned for the month but for the past 2 days he is being defensive and only trying to call or text once or twice a day and I'm not replying. What do I do so be feels scared about losing everything?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> remember when i told you "dig deeper" not too long ago?
> 
> by your account he's been cheating all along. your whole marriage has been a sham.


Yes Im feeling that way now and it's tearing me apart. We bought a house and had another baby when all along he was acting like he loved me to death and he was sexting and meeting this girl for quickies instead of trying to have sex with me. I'm really afraid of breaking up family and filing for D right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

YOU are not "breaking up" your family. 

It's already broken.

HE broke it - a long time ago. You just found out that it's been broken and running on empty.

You are young. This man isn't cut out to be a faithful husband. He is dishonest and a liar. Don't make a bigger mistake letting him back into your life.

Imagine your marriage 10 yrs from now if you take him back. You with young teens trying to find out why your husband is late again. Hoping you don't have a venereal disease again - sick of fighting in front of the kids.

Do you want that kind of life? 

Divorce him. Find someone who cares about you, is willing to forsake all others, loves themselves and loves you. Your husband is not this man - never has been, never will be.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> YOU are not "breaking up" your family.
> 
> It's already broken.
> 
> ...


I'm not ready to think of D yet. I need to take a different path before I go that route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I know this is very difficult and my heart goes out to you. There are no words, magic pills or even a good beating that will turn this around. This will take time and there is no changing that fact. The separation is a good thing, in that it allows both parties to gain perspective and gives you time to heal a little. The thing that you have to do, is use the time constructively, therefore I recommend the following.

1. Set a time period for the separation, I would recommend 90 days in your case, so that you can evaluate his actions.
2. The first 30 days should be no contact. Set a schedule for the children and utilize your assets to exchange the children as necessary.
3. Consult with an attorney, you don't need to file or do anything rash, this is a fact finding meeting to prepare yourself just in case.
4. After 30 days it is time to do family events with the kids and dates with each other. Dates should start light and slowly build/ You can have intimacy, but no sex. 
5. Hopefully at the end of 60 days you should be able to add more intimacy to include sex and establish a plan for reuniting at the end of the 90 days. 
6. Reuniting needs to include transparency in phone, email, etc. I think his ball days need to be over, he can exercise without the driving to StL drinking and driving. He needs way too much adult supervision to continue in this behavior. 

I don't know the man and information here is limited, but I get the impression that he is a little immature. I get the impression there are so real serious issues that need professional counseling.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

VFW said:


> I know this is very difficult and my heart goes out to you. There are no words, magic pills or even a good beating that will turn this around. This will take time and there is no changing that fact. The separation is a good thing, in that it allows both parties to gain perspective and gives you time to heal a little. The thing that you have to do, is use the time constructively, therefore I recommend the following.
> 
> 1. Set a time period for the separation, I would recommend 90 days in your case, so that you can evaluate his actions.
> 2. The first 30 days should be no contact. Set a schedule for the children and utilize your assets to exchange the children as necessary.
> ...


It's been 2 days since I found out about the Second long term affair with the former co-worker that he continued as casual sex throughout the course of our marriage. I haven't replied to his texts when he's asked if I would see him, consider counseling with him or asked me questions. Should I ignore messages for the next few days or should I reply? He hasn't seen our Toddler and baby in 3 days either. When should I communicate
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Until you are ready to lose everything, you will gain very little. You have to be willing to let him go and move on with your life without him. From what I read, you aren't ready for that yet. If you are not willing to lose him you will be his doormat forever.

You need to look at the 180 and be totally prepared to lose him or your marriage has very little chance of success. Be strong. There is no excuse ever to cheat!


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

AH,
Can you elaborate on the problems he is claiming he had with you? You said he never raised them with you. Does that mean you were not aware of his issue or just that the two of you never talked about it.

I don't know if this is a salvageable marriage. I would be wary of labels like serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who his sociopathic and would be in multiple affairs no matter who they were married to and would have other diagnosis conditions.

Why someone cheated is key to whether recovery is possible.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

frozen said:


> AH,
> Can you elaborate on the problems he is claiming he had with you? You said he never raised them with you. Does that mean you were not aware of his issue or just that the two of you never talked about it.
> 
> I don't know if this is a salvageable marriage. I would be wary of labels like serial cheater. A serial cheater is someone who his sociopathic and would be in multiple affairs no matter who they were married to and would have other diagnosis conditions.
> ...


He said he thought I was too controlling, questioned him to much and didn't trust him. He says its because early when we were dating I found out about a girl he met at a bachelor party and ever since then I never trusted him again. He's claiming that I have to work on how I treat him as well if this is to work. When do I respond to him? I really want to be strong and prepared to lose him, but I also want to believe that we could remain married down the road.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He is doing what is called blameshifting - he is shifting the blame to you so that his destructive, hurtful behavior looks less bad. It's very effective at putting a betrayed spouse on the defensive. And it's working, isn't it?

You're now on the verge of apologizing to him for his cheating on you for your entire marriage. Your entire marriage.

He says, 'You're controlling, so I have the right to break my marriage vows and do the most intimate things with another woman whenever I can sneak away to do them.'

Please listen to people here. If you listen to his cr*p excuses, you will wind up doing the exact opposite of what you need to do. You need to stay strong and stand up for yourself, not start berating yourself for being 'controlling.' Don't listen to his bs. There are NO excuses for his cheating. NONE. It's all on him.

You don't have to stay cold and dark on him. You can do the 180. Whether the two of you R or D, the 180 is what you should be doing now to build yourself back up. It will help you in any case. You asked what to do. This is it. You take his calls and texts and you let him see the kids, but you do the 180. Don't cry and weaken, just follow the 180 as well as you can. You may not be able to do everything. Just do your best:

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

achingheart said:


> He said he thought I was too controlling, questioned him to much and didn't trust him. He says its because early when we were dating I found out about a girl he met at a bachelor party and ever since then I never trusted him again. He's claiming that I have to work on how I treat him as well if this is to work. When do I respond to him? I really want to be strong and prepared to lose him, but I also want to believe that we could remain married down the road.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His accusations are total manipulation. Total!

So, you discovered his activity with a girl at a bachelor party and lost some trust.

What would a good man who made an error in judgement at a party do? He would work doubly hard to prove his commitment, loyalty, and faithfulness. He would welcome any opportunity to demonstrate the "real" him. 

What did your H do? He resented that you wanted him to demonstrate loyalty. Did he discuss that with you? Or did he just find women to test himself? Well, he failed the test if that is what it was. 

Expect more manipulation. This is how it works: He tells you of some failing you have (we all have them), he cites that failing as a reason for his disgusting activities. Since you know there is some truth about your human failing, and being an honorable person, you accept that it must be true. 

IT'S NOT! Not at all. His loathsome activities are all manifestations of his character - or lack of.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Serial cheater and complete blameshifter.

"Man boy, I'm not the one who needs counseling".


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

achingheart said:


> He says its because early when we were dating I found out about a girl he met at a bachelor party and ever since then I never trusted him again. He's claiming that I have to work on how I treat him as well if this is to work. When do I respond to him? I really want to be strong and prepared to lose him, but I also want to believe that we could remain married down the road.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sounds like your first impression was right, he is not to be trusted. This is very selfish behavior as he is shifting the blame from himself to you. He has to do this or otherwise he would have to accept responsibility for his own actions. These are the things you need to see in this first 30 day (can he accept responsibility?), he is not doing well so far.

You don't contact him for the first 30 days unless it is about visitation with daughter or a legal matter that can't wait for 30 days. You can send him an email to outline your boundaries and plan for the next 90 days. This should include him respecting your boundaries. I know you want this to work, I know you want to talk to him, I know you want him to understand how bad he has hurt you.....BUT.....you need to give you both time to think and gain perspective.


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## frozen (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Re: Betrayed*



walkonmars said:


> His accusations are total manipulation. Total!
> 
> So, you discovered his activity with a girl at a bachelor party and lost some trust.
> 
> ...


He is obviously not a person who has experience with taking responsibility for his own actions. I have to agree with the posters he is manipulating you. 

My concern is for you. Has he ever proven to be an honest person truly? How does he relate to others, friend and family, strangers? 

Follow the guidance and do the 180. With proper execution you may lift the veil and finally see who you are dealing with. I'm not sure you ever really knew this man.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

LMAO at him saying you were to controling, if that was true he couldnt have cheated through your whole marriage. i do understand where you are coming from not wanting to break up the family. my son was 3 months old when my xw cheated on me. if i had to do it over again i would have D her the second i found out not 3 months later. my 9 year old son happy normal and healthy. with both of us (me 80%) of the time


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

achingheart said:


> He's claiming that I have to work on how I treat him as well if this is to work. When do I respond to him? I really want to be strong and prepared to lose him, but I also want to believe that we could remain married down the road.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to get your dignity and respect back. You do not need to change if you did not break your vows. There is no remorse on his part. For guys honor and respect is big issue. You do not have his respect. You need to focus on your kids. I know you want him to be a good husband and father, but that will be up to him... I would never ask my wife to change w/o offering a compromise on what I could do to help. I truly believe that he is not focusing on his actions effecting his kids. You need to focus on them. Only with time, space, and clearly defined demands of being respected and equal will allow the marriage to start a true R.... I've read where on here a lot of WH and WW will _do all the *"HEAVEY LIFTING"*_. I can not say what I would do, but I would hope that respect is a goal for both parties. 

Bottom line is that he does not respect you! He proved that, I am sorry to say that. I am sorry you find yourself here. Keep your family (&/or close supporting friends) informed and close as you may need to lean on them for a while to mourn the loss of the marriage you thought you had. Good Luck.


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## Laila8 (Apr 24, 2013)

I'm so sorry. Something is seriously wrong with this guy, and I know you want to stay married, but I just don't think he can ever be a faithful husband.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> He is doing what is called blameshifting - he is shifting the blame to you so that his destructive, hurtful behavior looks less bad. It's very effective at putting a betrayed spouse on the defensive. And it's working, isn't it?
> 
> You're now on the verge of apologizing to him for his cheating on you for your entire marriage. Your entire marriage.
> 
> ...


I am going to begin the 180 tomorrow. I totally messed up today and called him asking what he is doing to prove that he wants to save this marriage and catching an attitude with him for going to a bar for dinner when he should be laying of alcohol during this time. He also missed his therapy appt. he knows I am angry and he is taking away my control. I am feeling super anxious and scared that he will give up on us. I'm not sure if people are talking to him and he is thinking about not giving our marriage a shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you are anxious. He knows that, too. He's making you this way on purpose. He didn't like having to cater to you and feeling like a POS for cheating, so he struck back by being in-your-face with his attitude.

This will be hard. I know you're scared that he will opt to not try to fix the marriage. Seriously, though, he is a serial cheat. He is such a liar. And he has you on the ropes because he won't be made to feel bad by you. You can't see now that he needs to do serious, dramatic work on himself to prove that he can be a decent husband. Right now he wants you to believe that you are the lucky one if he decides to let you take him back. Please have more respect for yourself.

Be disciplined and force yourself to do the 180 with him. After even a few days, you will be in much better control. You need to regain control. Always remember that he's been cheating on you during your whole marriage. Why beg someone like that to stay married to you? He should be on his knees trying to prove himself to you.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I totally messed up today and called him asking what he is doing to prove that he wants to save this marriage and catching an attitude with him *for going to a bar for dinner when he should be laying of alcohol during this time. He also missed his therapy appt.*


tells you all you need to know.

i know you want your marriage, but you are acting in desperation right now. you need to be strong and lay out clear boundaries. either he abides by them or he's gone. he's playing you because he knows you'll cave.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I know you are anxious. He knows that, too. He's making you this way on purpose. He didn't like having to cater to you and feeling like a POS for cheating, so he struck back by being in-your-face with his attitude.
> 
> This will be hard. I know you're scared that he will opt to not try to fix the marriage. Seriously, though, he is a serial cheat. He is such a liar. And he has you on the ropes because he won't be made to feel bad by you. You can't see now that he needs to do serious, dramatic work on himself to prove that he can be a decent husband. Right now he wants you to believe that you are the lucky one if he decides to let you take him back. Please have more respect for yourself.
> 
> Be disciplined and force yourself to do the 180 with him. After even a few days, you will be in much better control. You need to regain control. Always remember that he's been cheating on you during your whole marriage. Why beg someone like that to stay married to you? He should be on his knees trying to prove himself to you.


I'm going out of town for 2 days and I told him he can see the kids on Saturday but I'm not ready to see him. I'm going to stop questioning and try to my best to get control. It's crazy how one month ago my whole life changed and there is so much uncertainty.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

The 180 doesn't say to kick him out. He has been sleeping at his dads. I moved into our new house alone. When is it ok to allow him to sleep in the house in a separate room? My head is so messed up that I am actually concerned by keeping him away he will go continue to cheat. It's ridiculous that I even care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The 180 tells you how to conduct your one-on-one communication and how to project your emotion and expression. It doesn't say either to kick him out or let him stay. With him in the house, it is much harder to successfully do the 180, especially when you are vulnerable the way you are now.

He has been having sex regularly with someone else since before you got married. I think you should leave him kicked out until you have the strength to do what you need to about that simple fact.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> I am actually concerned *by keeping him away he will go continue to cheat.*


if this is a concern of yours, why would you want him back? mean, its obvious you still don't trust him just by thinking this. 

oy vey.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The 180 tells you how to conduct your one-on-one communication and how to project your emotion and expression. It doesn't say either to kick him out or let him stay. With him in the house, it is much harder to successfully do the 180, especially when you are vulnerable the way you are now.
> 
> He has been having sex regularly with someone else since before you got married. I think you should leave him kicked out until you have the strength to do what you need to about that simple fact.


Ok it's a little over a month since DDay about the PA with the escort and a week since DD about the Long term A with the ex co - worker. I partially started the 180 and I feel much better. Less sad and more angry and disgusted. I'm feeling better about myself and ready to take care of myself although at various times I reflect and look back at phone records and I get sick. I haven't seen him since last week but he has seen the kids once so far and is crushed by how this might be affecting them. I don't know when I'll be ready to see him. He is having a phone conference with the therapist tonight. He wants me to give him a chance to prove himself. He wants to try and I do too but I feel like ill be angry for a long time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

cledus_snow said:


> if this is a concern of yours, why would you want him back? mean, its obvious you still don't trust him just by thinking this.
> 
> oy vey.


I don't think I'll trust him for a long long time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> He wants me to give him a chance to *prove himself*.


damn straight! *he *needs to do all the heavy lifting here.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Until you are ready to lose everything, you will gain very little. You have to be willing to let him go and move on with your life without him. From what I read, you aren't ready for that yet. If you are not willing to lose him you will be his doormat forever.
> 
> You need to look at the 180 and be totally prepared to lose him or your marriage has very little chance of success. Be strong. There is no excuse ever to cheat!


I've reached the point where I can survive without him. I know I love him and am still hurting but I'm crying less and a lot more angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have experienced a particular type of betrayal: He has misrepresented himself throughout your entire marriage. This means that he never took your marriage seriously and he never loved you unconditionally.

This actually makes things easier in terms of understanding, in my opinion. It isn't anything you did or didn't do - if he tries to say ever again that he wasn't happy with you, don't let the words get completely out of his mouth. He went into your marriage with no intention of being a good husband.

No, this is a part of him. His view of marriage didn't elevate you to respected partner in the way that it must. He didn't 'stray' from the path. He was never on the path.

Some people find it much easier to move on when they realize that they never really knew the person they married. The fact that you have children makes it more likely that you will want to try to reconcile & anyone can understand that.

Before you do that, though, I will urge you to require complete and painful honesty. It's time to get to know the real man that is your H. That's the man you will be reconciling with.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> You have experienced a particular type of betrayal: He has misrepresented himself throughout your entire marriage. This means that he never took your marriage seriously and he never loved you unconditionally.
> 
> This actually makes things easier in terms of understanding, in my opinion. It isn't anything you did or didn't do - if he tries to say ever again that he wasn't happy with you, don't let the words get completely out of his mouth. He went into your marriage with no intention of being a good husband.
> 
> ...


I agree with you 100%. Each day I'm discussing the painful details and trying to get more hurtful answers. I found out today that this girl he was having the affair with is obsessed with him and is making up crazy stories to keep him around. She is also threatening him and our family. He told her he would take legal actions if she contacted him again. I've allowed him to sleep in the house since i need help with the kids and the house. My 2 yr old daughter is also becoming negatively affected by this. She cries everyday and throws tantrums everyday. She has been telling us not to yell. I need to keep it together for her. I'm not sure what decisions i will make down the road yet, but I have to give it a chance for my family. We are going to go to MC next week so well see how it goes. Ill keep posting. Thanks for the great advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

achingheart said:


> I agree with you 100%. Each day I'm discussing the painful details and trying to get more hurtful answers. I found out today that this girl he was having the affair with is obsessed with him and is making up crazy stories to keep him around. She is also threatening him and our family. He told her he would take legal actions if she contacted him again. I've allowed him to sleep in the house since i need help with the kids and the house. My 2 yr old daughter is also becoming negatively affected by this. She cries everyday and throws tantrums everyday. She has been telling us not to yell. I need to keep it together for her. I'm not sure what decisions i will make down the road yet, but I have to give it a chance for my family. We are going to go to MC next week so well see how it goes. Ill keep posting. Thanks for the great advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only when he is out will things calm down. And this will be better for the kids as well in the long run.

This guy is a toxic, addicted betrayer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm really sorry. I feel for you tremendously here.

If you have time, please tell us what kind of 'crazy stories' the OW is making up. Are you sure they are made up? Are you sure that your H has broken things off with her?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

The other woman claims that she had an abortion but only told him that after he tried to break off the affair. She had never mentioned that she was pregnant. She also said she would come to therapy with us to discuss our marital issues. She wanted to know why I couldn't let my husband and her still be friends. She is clearly a nut case , but my husband is still very much at fault for cheating on me with her in the first place. He is also saying he slept with her only 8 times in almost 2 years. When looking back at the texts she always texted him first and many texts at once. Right now he is back in the house sleeping with my daughter. We are on talking terms and will be going to MC next week. I'm still so angry. I'm past crying. The thought of him with another woman makes me so upset and I can't believe it took me this long to find out. He is acting remorseful and wants us to start over. I want him in my life but im so scared of going through this again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you don't want to hear this, but you are the perfect case for trial separation. You have to get to know him - really get to know him - if you want to reconcile. And you don't want to believe this, but you don't know him. He's been acting the whole time. Sure, we all put on a facade to get by in a social world, but his facade has been a lie to the woman he was committed to. 

Having him in the house muddies the waters so much that it won't really be possible to finally, after all these years, have a chance at getting close to the real him.

To me, this is a 'break up in order to MAYBE make up' situation. I would tell him you want a separation.

And you don't know that the abortion wasn't a real thing.

And the OW wanting a threesome MC session means that she is his other wife. Why should she think otherwise? They've been sleeping together pretty much as long as you two have.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

The problem is we have two very small children and I can't take care of them alone. My toddler is also being affected when he is not around. A trial separation wouldn't work at the moment. I'm just trying to be strong and figure out what to do to reconcile. The OW has a fatal attraction to my H. He is willing to change his # and never speak to her again and I know a lot of what he said were lies but I'm tracking everything he does and believe he will never speak to her again. I do agree that I have to get to know him all over again.he was loving, affectionate, and great to the children, but he is not who I thought he was. He will be in the house. I just have to figure out how to proceed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If he has to stay, your next best option is to maintain as much of a 180 as is feasible so that you can get some emotional distance, at least enough to consider your options and future with a clearer head.

Try to keep to the 180 as much as you can with him in the house. Do this for a week and then see where you are.

I know the logistics of kids and what that does. If you can try to force yourself to view your life in the house as a domestic unit as a life with two channels, that might help. One channel is for you - you and the children; the other channel is for him - him and the children. There is no open channel at the moment for you and him.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

My H has been acting very remorseful and sends me many sorry messages each day. His days revolve around the kids and getting our house in order. I would like to begin to R but each day I act cold and lash out at him. I also ask him many questions about the affair and he sits and answers all of them. I feel like he is opening up. He says he wants to start a whole new marriage with me and he really wants to change. He says he lied to himself since he wasn't the man he wanted to be. I want to move forward but i fear this will happen again. Is it too soon to try to R?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you want to try. The first thing should be to absolutely ensure that there is no more contact with the OW. Are you sure of that? Do you have all the facts?


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

I'm pretty certain there is no contact between the two of them. She knows we will take legal actions if she harasses us. Sounds crazy but I do believe he tried to end it with her in Sept. and that's when she went crazy and threatened to FB me and tell me about their affair so he claims he hasn't seen her since then but pacified her by texting her back until Feb. and then in April he went to an escort. I found out first about the escort which he claimed he went to because he didn't want an EA. It's been a nightmare but I am prepared to see what actions he takes to prove to me that he is capable of changing. Each day is a roller coaster for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So he had sex with the OW for years until last September and then, since marital relations with you wasn't enough and he didn't want an EA or PA with the OW, he went to a prostitute.

So do you have any idea whether he is being honest about anything?

I know it's hard, but the most reliable thing about cheating spouses is that they lie. Why did he have to have sex with other women? What does he say?

The reason I'm pushing this is that a serial cheater is very rarely reformed. Your chances of a real reconciliation will critically depend on whether he is basically a serial cheat. He sounds like one, but you never know. He could be someone who wasn't ready for marriage and has now ruined everything as a result. If he is a serial cheater, though, there isn't much hope for your future together.


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## achingheart (Apr 9, 2013)

At first he said he had the A because he wasn't entirely happy with our marriage and the OW didn't care that he was married with a child. They had known eachother before he was married from work. He also said it was easy and there were no strings attached, although we now realize that she developed feelings for him. Now he is taking more of the blame for the A saying he didn't communicate with me and decided to seek outside of the marriage. I also feel that we got married too quickly and didn't get to know eachother better. I was also pregnant when we got married. I feel that he wants to start a new marriage with me and he wants to get down to what made him do this. I also want to give this a chance before I walk away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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