# Bewildered. Shocked, Scared and Heartbroken



## BT760 (Jan 21, 2013)

Hello,

New here and I need help with some problems. This weekend my wife left me a one page letter about how unhappy she has become in our 7 year marriage. She writes letters because she dosen't feel she can communicate with me. She explains she "no longer wishes to have a marriage of mediocrity. I want freedom of expression, passion, love and mutual respect." She goes on to say "Are you happy with our relationship? I have serious doubts you are. I am not happy with how I see us together and I see our relationship unraveling and coming apart. I have changed from the person you first met. I want a deeper level of communication, spiritual enlightenment and an even healthier lifestyle and am actively seeking those things. I do not think that these things that I want are the same for you. If you are still in love with me I do not feel it though I love who you are as a person I do not feel in love with you". She ended it with: "I am not willing to continue our relationship as it is. I feel that our paths have changed and it may be time to move on"

This is why I am bewildered. There was nothing major that caused this. No infidelity, no drinking or staying out late ignoring her. I spent the majority of my time with her until it got to where I only had a couple good friends left. We had just bought a house together two years ago and I loved seeing her cook and entertain for her friends. We were saving for a trip to Europe this year. I even re-took a backpacking class that she's a leader so that we could spend more time together.

She came home the other night after staying at a friends house overnight. I greeted her and we hugged. Then we sat down to talk. I didn't get angry or jump to accusations but calmly said despite what her letter said I loved her and still was in love with her. We cried a bit and then she asked me if I wanted to know what finally "broke the camels back". I felt a pit in my heart and said go on.

"I didn't like you telling me that we needed more money in our acct to pay the bills" (When we first met she was a mental and finacial wreck. She was on Paxil from a mental breakdown and had also recently declared bankruptcy. I helped wean her off the Paxil and slowly we got all her bills paid, her car re-financed and credit worthy. While we have been married I have always had to look after the finances because she showed no interest in where the money went. Last year she decided to go part time from her job to start her own business which didn't go far and I would stress because less money was coming in and we had to meet the mortgage payment and nothing was going into savings. So I had to remind her sometimes that we needed some of her business money in our joint acct and she felt like she was being told by her dad. Do you know how much it sucks to have to remind your significant other about money issues and then try to be romantic/sexual with her later?)

"I had to throw food away in secret so you wouldn't get mad" (She constantly would buy a lot of groceries and not use them so they had to be thrown out. She would ask what we were making for diner and I would say "lets see what needs to be eaten". Then I would find all the food that had gone bad and I would plead with her not to waste food)

"I didn't like that you complained about the meditation pillow I bought" (I mentioned "can't you just use one of our pillows?" She always has a bad habit of buying things to try and never follows through with them so they sit all around the house).

"I didn't like how you responded to my text when I put my cat down" (I said "I am so sorry baby. Do you have the other cat with you and what should I make you for diner?" I also hugged her and replied how sorry I was when she got home. I hindsight, I probably shouldn't have brought up what she wanted for diner)

And the last point that twists the knife in each of us guys: "The last time we had sex it wasn't so great" (Gee, I can remember her telling me how long her orgasam was!)

I was shocked that these were the reasons why she wanted to give up on seven years of marriage. I had to remain calm though because she still has to live here and it wasn't going to help out the finacials we would have to deal with either. I tried to give her an explanation to each of her greivences but I could tell it was going nowhere. I finally got frustrated and said "marriage dosen't mean a thing anymore. I don't know why anyone bothers". I took my ring off later that night (couldn't sleep anyway) and threw it to the back of the drawer. I told her I was heartbroken but, once again, I told her I loved her and was still in love with her.

She then tells me I can have the house but if I ever sell it to give her a cut of the profit. I became scared because I realized that the bank may not refinance in my name only because I don't make that much income. So on top of my wife leaving me I have to worry if my dog and I will have a house to live in after all this and I don't have the kind of dog they like living in apartments. The only good in all this is that we don't have any children to be affected. 

I'm reaching out to the women on this site mainly because I don't have any female friends to ask advice or get their point of view. All my guy friends naturally think it's bull**** that she's leaving because of this. Sorry for being so long winded with the details but I'm still trying to make sense of all this and it feels a little better writing it out.


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