# Confused what to do: Husband visited Strip Clubs, Asian Massage Parlours



## hurtinfinity

I am in so much pain I can't define. My life is upside down. Reading posts from different forums on cheating, now feeling like to share my pain. 

Married for 16 years and have one 15yrs DD. About three months ago, I found out my husband visit strip clubs and Asian massage parlors (AMP) every week. Before confronting him, I gathered more evidence and found one after another shocking things about him. He not only visit strip clubs but had numbers of 40-50 girls from clubs in his phone. He exchange texts for hours with them (I have phone records) and 1-2 minutes calls. During the period I know and he didn't know that I am checking on him, I found the days on which he texts/call those girls he also searched (or visited, I can't prove) some address on his phone (google maps). Those addresses always close (2-3 miles) to some strip clubs, some are home addresses and some are cheap bars or something. During that period I also found he visit AMP (pulled directions on his phone) and also make calls to AMP. 

From list of numbers of club girls on his phone (he stored date when he met them first) I know he is doing this at least from August 2014. Now I think he is doing this or at least visiting strip clubs since we moved to USA (2003). 

He always delete massages he exchanged with these girls and put numbers on auto-reject. But some of the massages (less than 1 percent) went to spam massages which I read. Most are sexual in content. But one massage says "Can I come to your home". He received that massage on date when me and my DD were not in country. I searched that number on google, that belongs to an area escort. During that period (Jan 2016) when I was out-of-country, he texted and called that girl number of times. That's mean that was not a random massage. 

Now in nutshell, I strongly believes, he not only visiting strip clubs (never mentioned to me, as he know I will not tolerate this) and APMs, but also meeting these girls outside clubs at their home/hotel/bars and also called an escort at my home when I was out-of-country. 

Once I confronted him, he just accepting he visit clubs and rarely went to AMP. but never met these girls outside clubs (I don't believe that). And why he visited these clubs, because he has lot of problems in life as no one loves him, his parents, me and our DD. This is all bull****, he has nature to find mistakes in everyone and he controls me so much. 

Now he cries and asking for forgiveness (I can't do that). saying will never visit these places and will not control me (I have no trust on his words now).

I still love him but can't forgive him, he not only cheated once but doing this for years and during that time he controls me so much. 

I want to divorce him, I am done with this marriage. But still confuse, please help me to make my decision. 

Sorry for such a long post.


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## GuyInColorado

Divorce him. Was the marriage all that great anyways? It couldn't have been. How often were you having sex?


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## hurtinfinity

He complaints about less sex (once in a week) in our marriage. I work full-time (Professor) and do all house chores (cooking, dishwasher, laundry, grocery, taking care of DD). I am tired by end-of-day. 

Do less sex justifies his acting out?


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## GuyInColorado

Nope. He's a turd. Just gauging how good the marriage was. If it was great, then perhaps reconciliation is in the cards. But he has to be 100% truthful and give you a timeline. 

Some people in crappy marriages look at a spouse cheating as a blessing and gives you an out.

Do you two have separate bank accounts? He had to have been spending a ton of $$. You should be able to track every dollar he spent to the girls. He probably took a lot of cash out. Either ATMs or at stores where you can do cash back (buy $1 gum and take out $100 cash, so shows he spent $101 at Walmart, etc).


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## Volunteer86

Absolutely not it doesn't justify that. Where does the funds come from? From a joint account? I'm sure they aren't doing anything for free. I would also have him checked for STD's and it wouldn't be a bad ideal for you to go also. If it was me I wouldn't put up with that behavior. I think he is so far into it that he may say he would change but I don't think he would. To some people it becomes an addiction. From this post you deserve better then this!. Good luck, keep us updated!



hurtinfinity said:


> He complaints about less sex (once in a week) in our marriage. I work full-time (Professor) and do all house chores (cooking, dishwasher, laundry, grocery, taking care of DD). I am tried by end-of-day.
> 
> Do less sex justifies his acting out?


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## hurtinfinity

He makes lot of money in cash. That's why I have no records. We always had joint accounts, now recently I opened new account and started transferring my salary.


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## StillSearching

hurtinfinity said:


> He makes lot of money in cash. That's why I have no records. We always had joint accounts, now recently I opened new account and started transferring my salary.


Does he know this?
If not, that would most likely fall under betrayal to him.


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## hurtinfinity

StillSearching said:


> Does he know this?
> If not, that would most likely fall under betrayal to him.


Yes, I told him about my new account. I just don't want my salary to be spent on these girls.


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## Diana7

You must be devastated, and to be honest its unlikely that a man like that with such low morals will ever stop. I think the marriage covenant was broken many years ago, and all it needs now is the legal part to be done. 
Its hard to see how you could ever trust him again, and the fact that he is blaming you for his terrible behaviour is dreadful and is what what all cheaters do. 

He is almost certainly lying about how much he has done, may have give you and STD(please get checked), and seems to have no redeeming qualities at all. 

I cant see what else you can do unless you want to live a miserable life with a serial cheat with no intention of being faithful.


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## hurtinfinity

Diana7 said:


> You must be devastated, and to be honest its unlikely that a man like that with such low morals will ever stop. I think the marriage covenant was broken many years ago, and all it needs now is the legal part to be done.
> Its hard to see how you could ever trust him again, and the fact that he is blaming you for his terrible behaviour is dreadful and is what what all cheaters do.
> 
> He is almost certainly lying about how much he has done, may have give you and STD(please get checked), and seems to have no redeeming qualities at all.
> 
> I cant see what else you can do unless you want to live a miserable life with a serial cheat with no intention of being faithful.


I know what you are saying is true. I am very independent, financially strong and have a stable job with all benefits. I think I am just afraid of change, but I am sure I can do it. Thanks.


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## NickyT

Not only should you divorce this man, you should 180 him. He is a serial liar and a cheat. This was no mistake. This was no rough patch in your marriage. This was his lifestyle - to cheat and treat you like the maid. If he had been doing some of the household chores, maybe he would not have the time or energy for some of these other activities!!

Say nothing else to him on the topic. Go see an attorney and find out what you have to do to protect yourself financially. Step 1: tomorrow - go to the bank and get your own account and put some money in it. Make sure your name is on all accounts. 

When you are all set, drop the bomb on him and tell him to get out. Once he is out, you don't talk to him. He has lost the privilege of talking to you. Let your attorney talk to him. This is not something you are going to decide together. Let him cry and beg till he turns blue. You know your limits. 

What an @ss. Good luck.


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## Diana7

hurtinfinity said:


> I know what you are saying is true. I am very independent, financially strong and have a stable job with all benefits. I think I am just afraid of change, but I am sure I can do it. Thanks.


I think that most if us are afraid of change, but what is the alternative? He has been betraying you for many years. A man who can do this doesn't love or respect his wife. 
Of course he is sorry, sorry he got caught. If he was actually sorry he would have stopped years ago and been honest about what he had done.


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## hurtinfinity

Diana7 said:


> Of course he is sorry, sorry he got caught. If he was actually sorry he would have stopped years ago and been honest about what he had done.


Actually when I confronted him with all evidences, first he said sorry and cried but soon later started blaming me that I have behaved like a detective not a wife. If I had confronted him without evidences he had denied everything as he done long ago when I got glimpse he visited strip club and lied. I know he is sorry of being caught not sorry for cheating me again and again.


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## Diana7

hurtinfinity said:


> Actually when I confronted him with all evidences, first he said sorry and cried but soon later started blaming me that I have behaved like a detective not a wife. If I had confronted him without evidences he had denied everything as he done long ago when I got glimpse he visited strip club and lied. I know he is sorry of being caught not sorry for cheating me again and again.


Without repentance there is no hope for the marriage. He seems to think that there is nothing wrong with the way he is acting and that wont change.


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## hurtinfinity

Are my gut feelings are reasonable that he was texting/calling these clubs girls to meet outside club for some sort of sexual act? Or I am thinking too much. Even visiting strip clubs and AMPs behind my back are not acceptable to me, then why I am thinking soo much. I just want to know full extent of his cheating. I am going crazy. 

Any comments will be useful.


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## MJJEAN

StillSearching said:


> Does he know this?
> If not, that would most likely fall under betrayal to him.


Who cares if he knows or what he knows? He's trash. Waah, my wife put her money into her own account isn't a betrayal. Spending marital assets on hookers for years damn well is and I have zero sympathy for this piece of human waste.

@hurtinfinity If you think he wasn't having sex with these women, you're absolutely insane. That's how this works. He goes to the strip club, the "massage parlor", or the escort, pays some money and then gets the sex acts he paid for. If I were you, I'd get a full panel STI test at the doctors office immediately. God knows what he may have brought home on his dirty ****.

You know the extent of his cheating. He's had sex with multiple other women over a period of years. That's all you need to know to file for the divorce and move on with your life. Also, if you can prove (have documentation like bank statements or receipts) he spent marital funds (his pay is part of marital funds) on these hookers, you can ask he reimburse you your half of the money spent in the divorce settlement.


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## EleGirl

@hurtinfinity

Do you have a job? Are you able to support yourself?


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## hurtinfinity

MJJEAN said:


> Who cares if he knows or what he knows? He's trash. Waah, my wife put her money into her own account isn't a betrayal. Spending marital assets on hookers for years damn well is and I have zero sympathy for this piece of human waste.
> 
> @hurtinfinity If you think he wasn't having sex with these women, you're absolutely insane. That's how this works. He goes to the strip club, the "massage parlor", or the escort, pays some money and then gets the sex acts he paid for. If I were you, I'd get a full panel STI test at the doctors office immediately. God knows what he may have brought home on his dirty ****.
> 
> You know the extent of his cheating. He's had sex with multiple other women over a period of years. That's all you need to know to file for the divorce and move on with your life. Also, if you can prove (have documentation like bank statements or receipts) he spent marital funds (his pay is part of marital funds) on these hookers, you can ask he reimburse you your half of the money spent in the divorce settlement.


I done STD tests, all are clear.


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## hurtinfinity

EleGirl said:


> @hurtinfinity
> 
> Do you have a job? Are you able to support yourself?


Yes, I have very respectable and stable job with all benefits (insurance, retirement, etc.). I am a professor and a NASA scientist.


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## EleGirl

hurtinfinity said:


> Are my gut feelings are reasonable that he was texting/calling these clubs girls to meet outside club for some sort of sexual act? Or I am thinking too much. Even visiting strip clubs and AMPs behind my back are not acceptable to me, then why I am thinking soo much. I just want to know full extent of his cheating. I am going crazy.


Your feelings are reasonable. Men don't do what your husband has done and not indulge with the women. He is hoping you are stupid and believe him. Clearly you are not a stupid woman.

What you are going through with your mind being consumed with what he has done is normal. You intuitively know that he is lying. One part of you knows this. The other part is hoping it's not true. So that two points of view are consuming your thoughts. Most betrayed spouses go through this. I did. It took about a year before my mind quieted down. I had found out a lot of facts about his infidelity with several woman because the woman spoke to me when I contacted them. I filled in the rest with my imagination. So basically he was admitting that what I imagined is the truth. What I finally told my husband is that either he tell me the entire truth, or I would rely on my imagination. And what I was imagining is horrible. It might very well be worse than the truth. But he had a choice now, tell me the truth or let me rely on my imagination of what he did. He decided to let me rely on my imagination. 

You are in the same situation. Your husband will not tell you the truth. So you can only rely on what you imagine. He's accepted that in hopes that you will doubt yourself. Please don't doubt yourself. You know exactly what he did... not the details, but basically that he's been using these women for a long time.

What is happening now is that you cannot forgive him because he has proven to you that he cannot be trusted. You cannot love someone who cannot even tell you the truth.


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## Young at Heart

hurtinfinity said:


> He complaints about less sex (once in a week) in our marriage.....
> 
> *Do less sex justifies his acting out?*


No, nothing *Justifies* his actions.

You said earlier that you can't forgive him and you don't trust anything he tells you. That is your answer.

He obviously has both a problem controlling his own self-centered interests.

My suggestion, is get tested for STD's, demand he be tested, and talk to a good attorney.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl

hurtinfinity said:


> Yes, I have very respectable and stable job with all benefits (insurance, retirement, etc.). I am a professor and a NASA scientist.


Good, then you are in a strong position to leave him. You say that you think you are afraid of change. A large part of this is most likely that right now, a divorce feels like an impossible task, like moving a mountain.

There is a trick that I have learned about "impossible tasks". If you look at them as a whole they are overwhelming. But break them into smaller tasks and just work one task at a time, and one day you will arrive at the last task and the divorce will be done.

Here's a start at your to-do list....

Start learning about divorce in the state where you live. You can search online for information. Your state probably has a self-help site. If you share the state where you live, I'll help you find it. If you don't want to put your state one the open forum, you can PM me.

Amazon also sells books for each state that teach you about the divorce laws in your state.

Once you have read up on divorce, get appointments with at least 3 attorneys. Many will give you a half-hour free consultation. This will allow you to interview attorneys until you find one that you like.

Build a strong support system. Do you have family and/or friends who are you are close to? If so pick one or two of them to use as a sounding board. You might also want to consider a good counselor as well. You say that your husband is very controlling. In that case, you might want to get a counselor who helps women who are victims of emotional abuse.

Get copies of all legal and financial paperwork, make copies and store them someplace other than your home. These are things like all your income records, taxes, deed and loan papers for your home, birth certificates, marriage certificates, social security numbers, etc.

Also slowly move all of your valuables out of the home, things like any expensive jewelry, collectables, etc. 

When I did this, I did not want to involve friends and family, so I rented a small, climate controlled storage room. I put a small table and a chair and shelves in it so I had a safe place to keep things and to work. 

Also get yourself a PO box so that you have a way to get mail. For example change the address on your bank account to your PO Box.

You say that your husband earns his money in cash. You will need a way to prove his income. Does he include this cash in your annual tax filing? Probably not, but if he does, it's a good way to prove what he makes. Does he deposit some portion of his cash earnings into the joint bank account? If so, whatever is deposited there over and above your income is proof of his income. Start collecting receipts of the things he buys with cash, that's more proof of his income. You will need to talk to your attorney about how to prove his income. While he might be able to hide some of his income because it's in cash, if he has not reported those earnings and paid income tax on them, he's in a really bad position that you could use to keep from having to pay him alimony.

Do you have joint savings with him? How about investments? Does he have any in his name only? All of this can be used by a good forensic accountant to figure out what his cash income is.

Back to the task list, make a list of tasks (a to-do list) and just follow that. Don't concentrate on the point that your life is going to change. Concentrate on the things you need to do, one at a time. And one day, you will have arrived at your new station in life as a single woman who showed her daughter that respect and being treated correctly by her husband is of utmost importance.


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## Diana7

hurtinfinity said:


> Are my gut feelings are reasonable that he was texting/calling these clubs girls to meet outside club for some sort of sexual act? Or I am thinking too much. Even visiting strip clubs and AMPs behind my back are not acceptable to me, then why I am thinking soo much. I just want to know full extent of his cheating. I am going crazy.
> 
> Any comments will be useful.


Why else would he be calling them and meeting them. They are not gong to have tea and cake are they. 
As you say what he was doing going to strip clubs and 'massage' parlours was bad enough anyway.


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## uhtred

OP
I know this is really difficult, but you have all the information you need. He has been cheating, spending your joint money on strippers / prostitutes etc. There is no reason to think he will ever stop doing that. 

It is your choice what to do, but I think almost anyone in your situation would be better off divorcing. He is not making your life better, you would be better off alone. If you want to find someone else, you will.

I understand being nervous about change, but this would be change entirely for the better.


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## hurtinfinity

I started calling attorneys and find a good counselor through my university. I have no family here in USA thus can't escape this torture of see him everyday. And I don't want to disturb my DD by making her move with me to a hotel. I asked him to move out for couple of days to give me some space but he is not agreeing.


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## EleGirl

hurtinfinity said:


> I started calling attorneys and find a good counselor through my university. I have no family here in USA thus can't escape this torture of see him everyday. And I don't want to disturb my DD by making her move with me to a hotel. I asked him to move out for couple of days to give me some space but he is not agreeing.


I agree with you, you should not be the one to move out of your home. And your daughter should not have to move either.

Unfortunately, you cannot force him to leave the marital home since it's his legal residence. Generally, it's not decide who has to move out until well into the divorce. And often it's not until the final divorce decree is signed by the judge. But there a things that you can do.

Is there an extra bedroom in your home where you can move your husband's things and tell him that he sleeps there now?

You can stop doing anything for him, like his laundry, cooking, etc. Only do what you need to do for yourself and your DD.

Look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to be interacting with him going forward. Basically he becomes your roommate, has his own room, and you interact with him as little as possible.

Find things that you enjoy doing. Go out. Make friends. Do things with your daughter. Maybe join a gym and start working out. There is a good website where you can find interesting things to do, and it's a good way to meet people. It's not a dating site, instead you can meet others who do things that you enjoy doing. The site is [B]www.meetup.com[/B]

Get out of the house as much as you can. Do things that make you feel better about yourself.


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## Diana7

If he refuses to move out, then my advice would be to find a decent place to rent for you and your daughter until the divorce is sorted out. I couldn't live in the same house with a man who had done that to me and a divorce could take many many months. or even a year or more.


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## SA2017

hurtinfinity said:


> Yes, I have very respectable and stable job with all benefits (insurance, retirement, etc.). I am a professor and a NASA scientist.



LEAVE! i am jealous of your position because i am STUCK in my marriage ...my marriage is on life support and i don't know how to make a cut. 
i experienced almost the same as you and i HATE him for that. we tried to work it out but is just not working... trying to work on that since 3 years. right now we just fake it, we fake Christmas for our children. 
I can't leave. 

you're in a very good position and you will be just fine. what he did is disgusting and a great betrayal. says a lot about his character and especially how he acts since then. 

and NO, there is NO and NEVER justification for cheating. 

if you want, you can inbox me. I am about to snap here in the house. :crying:


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## hurtinfinity

Hello Everyone, 

Thank you for all your comments. 

I have finalized an attorney and asked my H to come with me for marriage coach appointment, so that we can separate/divorce through collaborative way. 
He don't want divorce but still blaming me for our dull sex life which he says led him to Strip clubs to AMPs (and prostitutes/escorts, which he don't admit). 

Now he no longer say sorry, just want me to accept this and move on. He don't try to understand how much it hurt me, it is so much disrespectful and degrading to me. 

I am very clear in my mind that I am done with this marriage. Than why it's bother me that he is not remorseful? Why I am expecting he understand my pain?


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## Ghost Rider

@hurtinfinity, you say he was controlling with you throughout your marriage. How so? Was he very jealous and insecure with you?

By the way, a professor and NASA scientist? My god, he's an idiot for throwing you away. You will have a new beginning with a man who actually loves you and respects you. And even if not, being alone is better than this.


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## hurtinfinity

Ghost Rider said:


> @hurtinfinity, you say he was controlling with you throughout your marriage. How so? Was he very jealous and insecure with you?
> 
> By the way, a professor and NASA scientist? My god, he's an idiot for throwing you away. You will have a new beginning with a man who actually loves you and respects you. And even if not, being alone is better than this.


Since beginning of our marriage, he dictates me how many times I can meet my family. Always had problems if I want to visit my parents and sister. He made me to do all house chores, the way I should dress, to whom I should talk, if I object, the way he looks intimidate me. And he never appreciates whatever I do. 

Now since last 4-5 years he also has problems if I go to my scientific conferences. I don't have any male friends, thus there is no question of him suspecting me. He go out every week (sometimes twice) for drinks with friends (now I know he goes to strip clubs/AMPs/prostitutes instead). Last year I made plans to out for dinner with my female friends ( with kids) and he got angry. 

Now he says, I should not pursue divorce, he will let me go out for dinners with my female friends (once in two months), for conferences and to meet my old parents, WHAT A DEAL? He has no remorse. *In his opinion since he earns twice than me, I should follow his rules. *

I am not proud to be a NASA Scientist for not being able to stand for myself. What should I say to my female students, "whatever you do, you will be controlled by your husband". I don't want to set this example, for my students and for my daughter. 

Sorry for letting out so much.


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## ConanHub

Nothing to be sorry for. This place is for venting, sharing and help.


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## Lasvegas

Hurtinfinity,

You said he makes tons of money in cash. What does he do for a living? Drug money, that is, free money or some sort of hard earned money?
You said you used to make love 4 times a month. This sound very less for the first 5-10 years of marriage but did he make it clear to you that he wanted more? Did you ever feel that he wanted more, like he asked you and you refused him? Did you ever make him feel or say to him that he can have more sex with you if he takes up some of the house chores. Overall, who used to work more number of hours..between money making, DD care and house chores? Personally, I can guarantee that any idiot on the street will gladly accept the deal for more sex in exchange for some house chores. Did you ever give him this deal?
Why did he not allow you to visit family? He would have got more freedom to cheat when you were not around. I am thinking of a friend who cheated his wife to stay in sexless marriage. He could not divorce his wife as he loved his wife in spite of an almost sexless marriage. His wife did not have sex with him (or any man) as she was subject to childhood sex abuse. She kept giving him excuses like house chores, emotional torture. I am sure none of this is applicable to you and you are right and your husband is wrong. So expedite your divorce and do not confuse yourself.


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