# Is it over - or am I just depressed?



## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Struggling here, really struggling. By some distance, this have been the most agonising period of my 47 year-old life, riddled with grief, confusion, frustration, loneliness and despair. Days have become things to get through; nights can last forever. At worst, I go to bed hoping never to wake up; at best I can see threads of light that suggest things won’t always be so unbearable. I am desperate for some more illumination.

My wife (A) and I are seeing a relationship therapist, one who specialises in sexual difficulties in couples. Both A and I really like her, and I in particular have been mightily impressed with what she's had to say about us - and me. 

I say "me" because I am struggling with depression. The therapist has surmised that this probably stems from the fact that, as the eldest of three children, I had to grow up in a hurry and took on responsibility from a very early age. I lost out on an important part of my childhood. It's her belief that I have carried a degree of depression with me ever since adolescence (A believes I have been more or less depressed ever since she's known me). Recently, though, it's flared up into a major depressive episode, and one that has led me to think of abandoning our 15-year marriage. I seem to have lost almost all my feelings of affection for A. There is a huge disconnect in my brain just now, as if a switch has been turned off. Lately I have come home from work, removed my coat, walked up the stairs and cried like a child. It's an emptiness I have never felt before, in all my life. At various times, A has accused me of lacking in kindness and tenderness, of ignoring her, and of barely tolerating her. She has made efforts to kiss me and I have pulled away, sometimes in tears. I don't understand why this is happening, and at this point I don't believe it will go away. It is excruciating.

I believe the root cause of this problem is sexual incompatability. We have not had intercourse in years. I am not interested in A and and don't find her or her approach to sex at all enticing. Perhaps as a result of this - or is it because of my depression? - I have become impotent. The therapist pointed out it’s very difficult for two people with low self-esteem (and good grief that's us) to sustain a healthy relationship. She'll try to help us address this, of course. But I don’t know whether she can make me desire A again. I’m also worried that we could spend many months trying to come to terms with this and end up making things worse. A is convinced I have already decided on ending the relationship and am just going through the motions with the therapy. Perhaps I am - I don't even know for myself. But I'd like to believe I still care.

Sex is a topic I have always found difficult to discuss with A (indeed, I think talking about sex has always been difficult for us) and I’m not sure the therapy will make it any easier. But I am beginning to realise that I am desirable and entitled to a fulfilling sex life, with someone who is comfortable in providing it. And the feeling I am left with – 15 years too late, perhaps – is that this person is not A. 

At the same time, though, I am not sure whether this depressive episode is being caused by the lack of sexual fulfilment, or whether sex has not been fulfilling because I have been depressed. The therapist isn't sure, either. But I'm not sure I can bear another year of this. I have also started to worry about how this continued lack of interest toward A might be affecting her – and how my lack of desire could be eating away at her own sense of self-worth. Whatever happens, I think it’s important that she carries on confident as she can be in who she is and what she has to offer. I don’t want her to feel she is worthless as a person.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What is a typical day like for the two of you?

And why aren't you seeing a psychiatrist for anti-depressants?


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks for your interest and support.

I'm not a big fan of pills. I was on antidepressants for about three months. This was largely to stop weeping spells and help me concentrate better at work. After three months it seemed to turn the trick, and my doctor and I both agreed that I should stop taking them. Apparently going back on them again now could cause problems - I gather the body builds up a tolerance for these things and may require a much larger dose, which neither of us is keen on. We both think therapy is the better way forward. I may try St Johns Wort instead, though.

Mrs_Levine: did you and your husband _ever_ fancy each other?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Henry in Edinburgh said:


> Apparently going back on them again now could cause problems - I gather the body builds up a tolerance for these things and may require a much larger dose, which neither of us is keen on.


Excuse me? Who is telling you this? Surely it's not a _psychiatrist_, who is the one doctor completely trained and authorized to know what to do with antidepressants.

Honestly, Henry, that's a crock of you know what. Three months, and you have a resistance? No. Plus, there are a good thousand different kinds of anti-depressants, for hundreds of kinds of depression. Please get a better opinion, if you're not getting better.


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## alfie (Feb 18, 2010)

Henry,
What you have been told about anti-depressants is not true, GPs recommend that you take them for about 6 months after the feelings of depresion subside, and they are definately not addictive and you do not build up a resistance to them. If you are suffering from depression then you need to take medication, and work out with your GP what will be the most suitable. Unless you tackle the depression and negative feelings you wont be able to know how exactly you feel about your wife. It sounds like you are suffering from severe depression and need to see your GP immediately.


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## Henry in Edinburgh (Jun 11, 2009)

Thanks for these.

After a tumulutous Sunday night, which found me wailing like a child and wanting to smash every piece of crockery in the kitchen, I went to see my doctor. I'm back on Mirtazapine. 

I've also come across this article, which has switched on a lot of lights in my head.


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