# Just help me decide



## nursekris88 (May 17, 2008)

I really don't want to have to lay my entire life on the line here, but feel we are all pretty much in the same boat if we are turning to complete strangers to help us decide our lives fate??!! I have been married for 18 years. I got married at 19, WAY too young. I grew up in a small town, going out, dating, getting drunk is what you did; then? The next step? Get married. Next thing you know? You are pregnant...time marches on, and the next thing you know? WHAT IN THE H--- have I done! I never was "in love" with this man, it was infatuation! I truly didn't know what "love" is anyway. Next thing I know, I have 2 children, and here we are. I am not in love at all, he is. I may sound terrible to anyone out there who does not understand my life, and that's ok-we all have our opinions. My problem now, is I have had an affair, 2 actually, and he found out about one-that was my "hope" to get out, but he wouldn't let me go. I don't want to keep doing that, or being attracted to other men out there; because believe it or not? I do have morals. The hurt I have caused him goes on and on. He knows I don't love him, how awful that I have to tell him that weekly, its killing him. I want to seperate, but just can't decide or be at peace as to what to do. He and I are "friends" but when it comes to love, kissing, making love? My gut is sick at the thought. Is there anyone out there with any advice for me, or in the same boat? I believe God doesn't want divorce, but does God want someone to remain in a marriage, where both partners are equally unhappy?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

The only thing you can do at this point is hurt each other more. Get a divorce in the easiest, nicest way. You may not love him but he deserves to be treated with understanding and respect and you need to find someone who you really love.

draconis


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I think it is time for a divorce...If your not happy, go find Happiness.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

What do you mean 'he wouldn't let me go'? Unpleasant though it is, you need to go if you're not happy and things aren't going to change.


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## nursekris88 (May 17, 2008)

Thanks, that does help. Tonight, is unbearable. He is sitting out on the back deck, drinking TONS of vodka, telling everyone OUR problems. I can't go on like this!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

nursekris88 said:


> Thanks, that does help. Tonight, is unbearable. He is sitting out on the back deck, drinking TONS of vodka, telling everyone OUR problems. I can't go on like this!


Some people feel the need to tell everyone their problems so they give their empathy and support to the one they feel most need it. I am sure he is hurting and although it might not be proper he is just trying to make it through with support. I would worry about the drinking though.

draconis


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## nursekris88 (May 17, 2008)

Thanks for listening. I must decide what to do with my life very soon; dragging it out is hard for me, him, and most importantly, my children.


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## nursekris88 (May 17, 2008)

Ok, so honestly, I want to seperate; BUT the only way he will "agree" to this, is he "gets" our 9 year old son, "they" will move out, and find a house. His reason, is I get "everything else" and I am the one who "doesn't love me" anymore, so our son is what he refuses to give up. I advised strongly against this, because (1.) my son needs to keep as much security in his life as possible (2.)needs me still, he is only 9 (3). I don't want my son as a deciding factor here. SO yesterday, I told my husband that I will not seperate yet, mainly because I refuse to put my son through hell, as being the "middle man" in all of this. My son already is a little withdrawn, having "stomach" aches, and I can tell is being torn up inside. My 13 year old daughter has asked for me to leave many times, their relationship (her and my husband's) is horrible, he doesn't respect her, its too detailed to go into...! and I am just afraid him changing now, is too late. I am not at peace for seperating right now either, despite the fact that I will get the house, etc...I won't "get" my son, solely anyway. Doesn't that mean, maybe its not time, yet? If I feel this way? We have tried marriage counseling, but when I said I still don't "love" him, I broke off for individual work. OH and the silly thing? My counselor broke down this week, started crying over her marriage which ended in divorce 3 years ago, HELLO, isn't it all about ME right now?? AAAHHH. I think its the end of time, I wish it would hurry!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

You can always seek a lawer, or better see if you have a "free" judge advocate (non-military) to seek legal advice. If you pm me the state you live in I might be able to sent free or reduced resources on legal help in your area.

draconis


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## amanda13 (Jan 15, 2009)

I'm sure a lawyer will be able to help you with your custody issue. That was one of my concerns in "trying to decide" and the lawyer I spoke to said if you don't need custody in your divorce it's best to not go there but if you need it then it could be the only thing to help you get equal visitation / custody. But if it is now effecting your children then you really need to finalize this relationship - that's one thing I wouldn't want to put my child through. My husbands parents stayed together for the sake of the kids & it made everyone miserable and now I don't think my husband knows how a family is truely supposed to function.
Talk to a lawyer - I don't know where you are but I had contacted my local Bar Association & for a $35 fee they set me up with a local lawyer that I could talk to, which was included in that fee. It was very helpful!


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## Runsalone (Dec 27, 2008)

Just playing devils advocate here but... Youve had TWO affairs and your *****ing that you cant have everything the way you want it with the divorce? Hmmmmm.

Why would you think he has no right to his children? Is joint custody REALLY out of the question?

I dont mean to be over the top but from what you told us, He sounds like the one that should be leaving:scratchhead:


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

Runsalone said:


> Just playing devils advocate here but... Youve had TWO affairs and your *****ing that you cant have everything the way you want it with the divorce? Hmmmmm.
> 
> Why would you think he has no right to his children? Is joint custody REALLY out of the question?
> 
> I dont mean to be over the top but from what you told us, He sounds like the one that should be leaving:scratchhead:


:iagree:

amen...but wait...she has her youth and her unhappiness to deal with...


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

He can't hold you hostage on the threat that he'll keep your son. He can't keep your son. A judge decides that. On the other hand, if he's a good father to him, you should have no problem with him visiting his dad on the weekends and summers (or more). He boy might be safer and happy with a divorce ... and he would still get to see both his parents often, which he deserves.

I understand your fears, but I think you are both using the boy as tug-of-war excuse to stay or go. Make up your mind as an adult and without him as the "fault" of whatever you choose - it's too much pressure on a child. The lawyers and the courts will help you sort out the custody arrangement and if you don't get mean about him being able to see his father, you're likely to get a good deal.


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