# Advice workplace exposure



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

D-day was in January, husband is having an affair with a direct report. He has been living with her 5 days a week since January. I exposed to all of our families etc. in the beginning, but I held back on work because he makes all the money and I’m a SAHM. He hasn’t played games with the money, gives all of his money to us. Last weekend he came home and told our 2 daughters, 10 and 13, that Daddy was moving home. He told me they broke up blah, blah, blah. He’s back with her of course and now is staying there tonight. I am not happy with him telling our girls something and not following through. This job is a 1 1/2 hour drive each way! Im ready to let his employer know and take my chances on losing his income. It’s never going to end while he is still there working with her everyday. The company he works for doesn’t have any emails listed online for the HR director, CEO, president Etc. Should I send snail mail? Would it be ok to send through linkedin? I’ve been totally cool on the surface, but I’m ready to blow this up!


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

What is your goal? Are you hoping this will make him come home so you can reconcile? Or are you just trying to **** with him?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Put his dirty laundry and whatnot in a Hefty bag, drive to the office and deposit it on her desk. Tell her that since she likes to play house with your husband M-F that she should have the honor of washing the crap stains out of his undies (in a very LOUD voice). Then tell your husband to piss off.


----------



## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I don't think you should tell his employer but I would move forward with a separation or divorce. Your girls need to be provided for and that is him. Awful truth but it is the truth. See an attorney and get the free hour.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why is he allowed to come home on the weekend if he’s living with her during the week?


----------



## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I'm mostly a SAHM and I wouldn't do that. 

If I were you, I would not tell his employer unless you have a good job lined up to give your daughters the same quality of life they are getting from his income. 

Why don't you talk to a lawyer and see what your options are. 

You don't want to make a thoughtless visceral decision because your daughters are going to suffer the consequences. 

Haven't you thought about that? They've already lost their dad, now they might lose his income too? What's your plan?


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think your decision should be solely based on whatever is in your own interest, and you really need to consider the financial aspect of him losing his job. One thing you might consider: Start proceedings to bar him from the house. He needs to understand that he cannot have his cake and eat it too, nor should he be playing back-and-forth games with your daughters' feelings.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

gold5932 said:


> I don't think you should tell his employer but I would move forward with a separation or divorce. Your girls need to be provided for and that is him. Awful truth but it is the truth. See an attorney and get the free hour.


MMMMnng ?
I agree.

As much as you want to burn this turd, you need his income. 



_THRD-_


----------



## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

Uhhh......errr......huh???

You want this man back.
I don't get it.

You let him come and go as he pleases.
I don't get it.

He said he's coming home, and you were going to let him.
I don't get it.

And now that they got back together, you want to break them up.
I don't get it.

You need to let her have him since she wants your POS cheater so badly. But you want him back so badly, that you're trying to figure out how to go about placing your daughters on welfare and soup lines.

I don't get any of this..

Read *Chump Lady's book*, please. Her website is waiting for you.

Once again, I hope this will be a lesson to all the other women to see what a terrible idea it is to be a SAHM and financially dependent on anyone.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Before you out him, see a lawyer for advice.

Don't cut your nose off to spite your face.

"Well kids, we are living on Ramen noodles and living in a homeless shelter, but at least I got my revenge on my cheating husband!"

I think they call that a Pyrrhic victory.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Before you go ahead with this, please take a consult with a lawyer. Just to make sure you are covered on all bases. This is something where I would want you to present yourself to the HR department, depending on your husband's position, the powers in HR should as well consult with the company's attorneys . You will probably hear that they will conduct an internal investigation. Be prepared to offer any evidence that you have in your possession. They may opt not to act, if they determine that nothing occurred on their premises. They may opt to terminate OW, or both of them.


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

What made your WH, think he was welcome to move back in without talking it over with you; his betrayed wife first?
Please seek legal advice, just so you know of his responsibilities as well as any potential fall out if he is fired for abuse of power over a subordinate. Sexual harassment etc. 

But if you need to tell his employer, then in a registered letter would be best. Tell all. Make every one know of his actions.
Buffer


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would not do this. He could (and probably would) be fired, and there goes your family income.

But I would absolutely follow through with the divorce. Why you would accept this from your husband is beyond comprehension. Don't let him do this to you. It's abusive.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

What are you wanting to accomplish by reporting? 

They aren’t even trying to hide their relationship from you so it’s not like he’s trying to reconcile with you and even if they do break up, it’s not like you are going to ride off into the sunset to live happily ever after with him. 

I’m afraid all you will accomplish by telling is cutting off your spousal and child support, making him bitternsnd resentful and making you look like the bitter ex wife that was willing to lose her own financial assets to hurt him.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There is nothing to salvage here. 

See a divorce attorney and don’t take any action unless directed to do so by the attorney. 

Get as much as you can in spousal and child support so you can move on with your own life. 

Getting him in trouble at work it cutting off your own nose to spite your face and makes you look like the vengeful psycho b.... 

Some judges will even look down on that and see it as being malicious. 

Get your vengeance by getting as much spousal and child support out of him as you can.


----------



## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Talk to a lawyer ASAP, and file immediately!


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mrsforever said:


> D-day was in January, husband is having an affair with a direct report. He has been living with her 5 days a week since January. I exposed to all of our families etc. in the beginning, but I held back on work because he makes all the money and I’m a SAHM. He hasn’t played games with the money, gives all of his money to us. Last weekend he came home and told our 2 daughters, 10 and 13, that Daddy was moving home. He told me they broke up blah, blah, blah. He’s back with her of course and now is staying there tonight. I am not happy with him telling our girls something and not following through. This job is a 1 1/2 hour drive each way! Im ready to let his employer know and take my chances on losing his income. It’s never going to end while he is still there working with her everyday. The company he works for doesn’t have any emails listed online for the HR director, CEO, president Etc. Should I send snail mail? Would it be ok to send through linkedin? I’ve been totally cool on the surface, but I’m ready to blow this up!


Where the hell is your pride and self-respect????

Leave his livelihood alone. Even though your kids are ways past the age of needing you at home and you should have been working, the fact remains that you chose to remain dependent on him instead. Bad decision. When you choose to be financially dependent on a man, it leaves with you NO options.

If you screw up his job, it's going to screw YOU with regard to alimony and child support. Stop acting desperate and start acting SMART.

For the love of all that's holy, find your damned pride and get to a divorce attorney.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm really sorry for the heartbreak you and your children are going through.

I'm going to side with the posters that are referring you to a lawyer.

Do everything to protect yourself and your children.


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

Thank you for the replies! I know what I should be doing, I just haven’t found the courage to climb that mountain yet. Yes I did want to reconcile, I loved the man for the last 20 years but he isn’t the same person. It’s all in the eyes, his eyes are not the same. I’ve been on the journey for nearly 9 months, I have learned a lot about myself and my contributions to the state of our marriage leading up to this. I was very emotionally immature, built up resentment because I couldn’t communicate in healthy way, I will be peeling back the layers of this for a long time. The self awareness that comes with this is a gift in disguise. I know it’s my codependency that’s holding me back and I am currently working on that. 

He started to go through withdrawal, wiped her from his phone, had no contact from Saturday morning through Thursday morning, when she returned to work. She broke down crying in front of his whole department and now it’s back on. It Is going to be discovered beyond his department sooner or later, the employee handbook is clear about termination in regards to manager-employee relationship. I will start looking for employment once my girls start school online. I do appreciate all of the direct advice without sugar coating it lol.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have to agree with the others, he clearly isnt going to stop seeing her, and even if he does is this the sort of man you want to come back? Really? Telling the girls that he is coming back and then not is just pain cruel and disgusting behaviour.

The thing that I dont get is you letting him stay with you at the weekends while he stays with her all week. Since January? Where is your self respect? There is no way on earth I would go along with that.

Telling his work place out of anger and spite is a terrible idea. What would be gained by this, its not going to stop the affair if they get sacked and he will have no money for household bills and child support. If its discovered another way then that cant be helped, but without a good reference he may struggle to get another job.

As others have advised see a lawyer, and you may need to look for a job. I dont know what you mean about them starting school on line, isnt their school open yet? Try and get a job that fits in with their school hours, but even if you can't the 13 year old can care for the younger one after school till you get home. They are old enough. I am all for women staying home to care for the home and children if they can, but now things have changed you will need to think again. 

If you still want him back then give him an ultimatum. Either he chooses you and the children and leaves that job and looks for another (in the meantime taking as much leave he can), or he leaves completely and goes with her for good. No more weekends at home.


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> I dont know what you mean about them starting school on line, isnt their school open yet?


Some schools are not opening for in-person learning yet. Other schools are offering in-person or online learning, parents choice, or a hybrid model. For my kids, if they do online learning, school doesn't start until September 21st. 

I'm guessing the OP's situation is similar. Their school either isn't open or she opted for online learning.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

bobert said:


> Some schools are not opening for in-person learning yet. Other schools are offering in-person or online learning, parents choice, or a hybrid model. For my kids, if they do online learning, school doesn't start until September 21st.
> 
> I'm guessing the OP's situation is similar. Their school either isn't open or she opted for online learning.


Oh ok. I am in the UK and the autumn/winter term has just started here with all children returning this week.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

For several reasons I hope you aren’t having sex with him when he’s back on the weekends.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> If you still want him back then give him an ultimatum. Either he chooses you and the children and leaves that job and looks for another (in the meantime taking as much leave he can), or he leaves completely and goes with her for good. No more weekends at home.


Why on earth would anyone want to be with someone that had to "choose" them AGAIN?

He "chose" her when he married her - he doesn't GET to choose her again.

If you're wise, you'll get to a divorce lawyer. Why *any* woman would even CONSIDER staying with someone who has shown her *THIS* level of disrespect is a mystery for the ages.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on earth would anyone want to be with someone that had to "choose" them AGAIN?
> 
> He "chose" her when he married her - he doesn't GET to choose her again.
> 
> If you're wise, you'll get to a divorce lawyer. Why *any* woman would even CONSIDER staying with someone who has shown her *THIS* level of disrespect is a mystery for the ages.


I was suggesting what she could do IF she wants him back. You may not and I may not, but she may want him back if he stops the affair. Many do.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mrsforever said:


> D-day was in January, husband is having an affair with a direct report. He has been living with her 5 days a week since January. I exposed to all of our families etc. in the beginning, but I held back on work because he makes all the money and I’m a SAHM. He hasn’t played games with the money, gives all of his money to us. Last weekend he came home and told our 2 daughters, 10 and 13, that Daddy was moving home. He told me they broke up blah, blah, blah. He’s back with her of course and now is staying there tonight. I am not happy with him telling our girls something and not following through. This job is a 1 1/2 hour drive each way! Im ready to let his employer know and take my chances on losing his income. It’s never going to end while he is still there working with her everyday. The company he works for doesn’t have any emails listed online for the HR director, CEO, president Etc. Should I send snail mail? Would it be ok to send through linkedin? I’ve been totally cool on the surface, but I’m ready to blow this up!


Um divorce his ass and take him to the cleaners. If not your life will be awful, there really is no middle ground. A married man who goes and lives with his girlfriend, breaks up and then assumes he is moving back is a straight up POS, and it's never going to be anything but suck to be with him. Go talk to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row and divorce his ass. Use the time to start preparing for the next part of your life.

Besides that I would move on and not even worry about his job, like you said he will need the money.


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

Thank you all for your advice! I had a breakthrough within myself this past weekend, had one of the worst days since those first 6 weeks. Through journaling and questioning myself deep down what fears were holding me back. I had a very difficult time processing it all, but I know that it is through the pain that I am growing. I am preparing myself now for the inevitable, by reading up on self control in regards to spending and looking into family therapy for me and my daughters. I have to take back control, be confident in making decisions and let my safety net go. It’s not going to be easy but I will be proud of myself when I get to the other side. God Bless!


----------



## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

Mrsforever said:


> Thank you all for your advice! I had a breakthrough within myself this past weekend, had one of the worst days since those first 6 weeks. Through journaling and questioning myself deep down what fears were holding me back. I had a very difficult time processing it all, but I know that it is through the pain that I am growing. I am preparing myself now for the inevitable, by reading up on self control in regards to spending and looking into family therapy for me and my daughters. I have to take back control, be confident in making decisions and let my safety net go. It’s not going to be easy but I will be proud of myself when I get to the other side. God Bless!


As well as family therapy, do you have a therapist for yourself? I think it would be helpful


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

I had one until mid March when Covid 19 forced them to only do online appointments! She was wonderful but I’m not comfortable doing the screen thing. Their office still hasn’t reopened. I will try and set up IC in the same office that I do the family counseling.


----------



## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Strength to you and cyber hugs .
take care of yourself Mrsforever. 
one day at a time
Buffer


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

Last night I told him I want to put the house up for sale by November 1st and that I have a free consult with an attorney. I told him we can do this amicably and I’m going to see what my/our options are if we can agree on everything. 2 weeks ago he was offering me $3000 a month in support(spousal and child). Now of course because I didn’t follow whatever his weekly delusion was about our situation, he said he won’t agree lol. He was bugging out for a while, I think because he lost control of what is happening. Its amazing how my view of him has changed in the last 2 weeks, before it would’ve bothered me but now I see him differently. He started threatening to go on disability(MS) so I won’t get anything, I didn’t argue I just asked you’d do that to your kids? and I let it go. He kept trying not to talk, looking at the ceiling, pushing his chair back like 2 feet, acting like he’s 14 and not 48 lol. I don’t think he will quit because then he wouldn’t get to sit with OW all day at work, checkmate! I’ll go to lawyer with my questions ready and start the paperwork. Thank you again to all of you, of all the forums out there dealing with infidelity, this one is the best!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mrsforever said:


> Last night I told him I want to put the house up for sale by November 1st and that I have a free consult with an attorney. I told him we can do this amicably and I’m going to see what my/our options are if we can agree on everything. 2 weeks ago he was offering me $3000 a month in support(spousal and child). Now of course because I didn’t follow whatever his weekly delusion was about our situation, he said he won’t agree lol. He was bugging out for a while, I think because he lost control of what is happening. Its amazing how my view of him has changed in the last 2 weeks, before it would’ve bothered me but now I see him differently. He started threatening to go on disability(MS) so I won’t get anything, I didn’t argue I just asked you’d do that to your kids? and I let it go. He kept trying not to talk, looking at the ceiling, pushing his chair back like 2 feet, acting like he’s 14 and not 48 lol. I don’t think he will quit because then he wouldn’t get to sit with OW all day at work, checkmate! I’ll go to lawyer with my questions ready and start the paperwork. Thank you again to all of you, of all the forums out there dealing with infidelity, this one is the best!


Well his true colours are coming out now. Best wishes.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You mean he doesn't want to play house with her 7 days a week?

I assume she is a woman of good character whom he can depend on to take care of him as his MS progresses. 🤣 

He was perfectly content being an entitled, cake eating asshole. Now, you've gone and upset his little apple cart. And, you have the nerve to file against him! Oh, whoa is he. How could you?


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

It’s amazing to not be scared anymore, to actually feel empowered by my choice! Yes as most OW go, she’s a POS who has slept around at the company and gave in on first night. She is younger than our 2 oldest, half his age, I did ask him if she’s prepared to wipe his ass in 15 years( not one of my best moments, but I was curious lol). In regards to her being a very big girl, he said she’s not beautiful but we have a connection sort of like from the movie Shallow Hal. As long as he does the honorable thing financially, then I wish him nothing but happiness with Miss Piggy! 
I let him cake eat too long no doubt, but I had to get here in my own way.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Are the two oldest children yours or his from a prior relationship? How do they feel about this?

Miss Piggy probably won't find daddy as attractive when he is fired and trying to find a new job at his age (ageism in the job market is real). Plus, she'll have to put up with his little tantrums over the course of the divorce. Not your problem. Be prepared for him to do an about face and try to suck you back in.


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

Oh I know it’s coming, he asked me to wait back in June, at that point I was still figuring **** out. I am aware of his manipulation tactics. I just have to keep one step ahead of him.

When we met, I had a 4 year old son and he had a 5 year old son, from previous relationship. His son stopped bringing our granddaughter around until he told everyone he was coming home 3 weeks ago, now she’s been over every weekend again. I don’t want to drag him into it just yet, I think he lost a lot of respect for his father because of this. Of course h spins it and says he’s a selfish ****head. My son is 26 and my BIL let it slip this past weekend, he lives far from us and he doesn’t have a good filter on his mouth, he is disappointed in him because he looked up to him and h always treated him like his own.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mrsforever said:


> Last night I told him I want to put the house up for sale by November 1st and that I have a free consult with an attorney. I told him we can do this amicably and I’m going to see what my/our options are if we can agree on everything. 2 weeks ago he was offering me $3000 a month in support(spousal and child). Now of course because I didn’t follow whatever his weekly delusion was about our situation, he said he won’t agree lol. He was bugging out for a while, I think because he lost control of what is happening. Its amazing how my view of him has changed in the last 2 weeks, before it would’ve bothered me but now I see him differently. He started threatening to go on disability(MS) so I won’t get anything, I didn’t argue I just asked you’d do that to your kids? and I let it go. He kept trying not to talk, looking at the ceiling, pushing his chair back like 2 feet, acting like he’s 14 and not 48 lol. I don’t think he will quit because then he wouldn’t get to sit with OW all day at work, checkmate! I’ll go to lawyer with my questions ready and start the paperwork. Thank you again to all of you, of all the forums out there dealing with infidelity, this one is the best!


good for you, he wanted. To call the shots didn’t realise that you have a backbone. Get a bull dog lawyer that bites!


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Mrsforever said:


> He started threatening to go on disability(MS) so I won’t get anything,


 In my state, at least, this wouldn't fly. Its so common for men to deliberately reduce income to get out of paying that judges typically set support using the previous income provided the income level was recent. In other words, if he quits his job close to or after you file chances are he'll paying you the same amount he would had he stayed employed.


----------



## Mrsforever (Aug 13, 2020)

He picked a fight with me today, trying convince me to stay in the house for the kids. We went back and forth several times, of course he called me crazy at least 10 times. He says the kids don’t need therapy they’ll be just fine, not even 10 minutes later going up the 13 year olds room to convince her that she needs to stay in the house. She said no stop putting me in the middle, like 3 times, I said nothing but leave her out of this. He seriously is losing it! He called me a money grubber too. He said you can leave I’ll stay with the kids in the house, I told him they don’t want to be with you. My poor girls! He has always put family first, it amazes me that he is trying drag them into this! He always refrained from saying anything negative to his son about his mom, he always said he will figure it out on his own. Does anyone know if things go downhill, if I can request he go to counseling, as a stipulation to visitation? Thank you for letting me vent here, I love my journal but it doesn’t give me feedback!


----------

