# daily couple routine



## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Soo I was wondering what couples in their early 30s or late 20s do after work everyday if they also go to the gym what time do they come home? Who does the cooking? Who does the cleaning? How much tv time do you have? What do you do in the weekends? Family visits or jus tyou guys?

Im asking because my husband comes home everyday at 830pm after he goes to the gym with his friends for 1hr 15 mins. He gets home at 620ish then leaves for the gym at 7 then comes back 830pm. I do the cooking and laundry. He thinks because right now I am not working and am searching for a job I should be doing this as he works. Do you think this is fair? We dont have kids yet. ISn't he working out too late? He and I are together in the weekend though. He is a little bit obessesed with working out. I feel lonely sometimes and would like him to help me cook etc. but I cant ask him to not go to the gym. Is 830pm later than most people would like to be together? Is going to the gym everyday Mon-Thurs (fridays he goes most time but sometimes doesnt), then sat and sun we spend together. Most of the time he doesnt go in the weekend but sometimes does. Out sat and sun is split between doing something ourselves and with his family. If we go visit his family fri, we might not go sat and sun or if we dont go friday and do date night, then we will go sunday. That thing. He is close to this family.

I want people's opinions on this as I feel a lot of people work out these days and if you have no kids and are a young couple, how do you handle time with each other if you dont work out together. I dont like to go with him to the gym with his guy friends. What time do you cook and eat dinner for folks who go to work each day as well and have a job unlike me. I am not working right now so I cook and clean much more than him but do you think this is fair? I am looking for a job too though. I am not a housewife. Working towards geeting a job is time consuming too and so is it fair?

If one spouse works, should the other spouse be doing all the cooking and chores?? And would you be happy if your spouse came home at 830pm each day M-Th and also some fridays although not all (he gets off an hour earlier so he is home 730pm instead).


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## Hailey2009 (Oct 27, 2012)

Not to be flippant about your question as I think spouses should prioritize seeing each other and sharing the responsibilities of marriage as evenly as practical, but ....

..... if you want hubby home earlier from the gym, give him a reason he can't resist. 

Has he ever come home to find you've blindfolded yourself and tied yourself to the bed in your sexiest panties and one of his work shirts? 

Once he knows that's a possible discovery, he will be a bit less of a gym rat. 

Tried something quite similar once with desired results.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

When I was going to gym I went in the early morning, generally before DH and kids were even awake. DH would keep his workouts short and sweet at home with a weights bench (heavy weights, short reps) which is generally the best way to go for results. When a guy spends over an hour at the gym he is generally talking a majority of that time. I know, because I've read all about it and observed the guys at the gym. He'll be getting a max of 20min high-intensity workout in there, the rest is fluff. He's probably just spending that long at the gym because he likes spending time with his mates. Though they'll be spotting each other, which can be helpful.

If you're looking towards a future with children, that sort of schedule won't work. If he thinks he'll be doing that while you're at home with the babies, well, good luck on making that work.

As for doing the housework while he goes to work and does his thing, I can understand where he is coming from. However, you should make sure he realises this is not how it will be when you get a job and he should be prepared to do half as soon as that happens. Whatever you do, don't fall into the trap of doing everything and working. Many of us have done that, and now we have to live with the results: a husband that won't do anything unless you specifically ask, and believe me, having to ask gets really old really fast.

A successful relationship isn't built on time apart, that's one thing you of which you can be assured.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Thank you for your replies. I know this may sound stupid to ask someone else what I am comfortable with but I literally have no one else to ask this and woudl really appreciate some replies from my fellow late 20s early 30s married couples with no kids. My husband tells me 830pm everyday is normal. People have to go workout. But that means we spend 1.5 hours to 2 hours together. In that time, we eat dinner or I eat before him and he eats alone when he gets home form the gym and then watch TV before bed. Isn't this too little time or am I crazy and this is how life is for the majority who work and workout. Do any of you maybe workout less days? He works out Mon-Thurs without ever fail. Fridays mostly too but he gets home 1 hour earlier. However he will cancel gym plans if we decide to go out to dinner or have other stuff going on once in a while. Personally for you is this enough time for a couple in the weekdays who exercise too?

I don't like that he is never home to share a conversation with me and help me cook. I would like a relatiomship where we are both cooking and I am not doing everything on my own. Am I asking for too much as I don't have a job and he is already working? I don't know if I am expecting too much from him?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

"Normal" is irrelevant. What kind of marriage you craft together is what is relevant.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

The other thing to consider is if he is an out body, why can't you go out with him and his friends sometimes? Maybe he is not as much a home body?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

trini said:


> really appreciate some replies from my fellow late 20s early 30s married couples with *no kids*.


I was about to try and give some advice even though I am a bit older, but then I remembered I can't imagine things in the house without kids. 

The scheduling complications you run into once you have kids, which will include a carpooling program with the neighbors that takes a slide ruler and infinite text messages to decode ultimately does this to work out routines:

Dad Bod Running!











As for cooking and cleaning, it becomes impossible for one person to do it, so it takes teamwork or you have to make enough money to hire help!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

I do go out with him and his family and friends in the weekends. He is not an out body.
Normal may be different to everyone but I just dont have any friends here and married life in america is new to me. I am from another country and my family isnt here. So I am just trying to get an idea.

I would like him ideally not to go to the gym after work. Only go 3 times in a week thurs, fri, sat. I would ideally like him to cook dinner with me together. Share a glass of wine once in a while. But he is a gym addict. He likes working out so I cannot force him. He is the one working and hates cooking so I have to cook and clean for him until i get a job. 

Im just here asking people what kind of hours they have with their husbands. Those who are active and exercising. Those who have no kids. Thats all. To get an idea of what is out there, other than job,gym,sleep. And only weekend time with each other.

The other thing I am confused about is the amount of housework I should be doing just because I am unemlpyed. It takes time to craft cover letters and CVs and look for jobs. On top I go to the gym and cook. I take trash out and do laundry. He helps in the weekends a little with the laundry. Thats all. Its only the two of us so there isnt that much.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Hailey2009 said:


> ..... if you want hubby home earlier from the gym, give him a reason he can't resist.


If luring him home with sex does not work, blindfold him and show him a new workout gym and project muscle car in the garage. That should keep him home more often!










You've now got your planning to do so get busy on pinterest:

https://www.pinterest.com/explore/home-gym-garage/

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Early thirties here and I work out 1.5-2.5 hours per day. I get up at 5-6am and do this before work each day so that I can come home and be with my wife and kid by 5pm. Weekends I will let her sleep in and then jet when she gets up to go exercise. Usually when I get back she's ready to do something by then. 5-6 hours of sleep is normal for me. I didn't have this exercise routine pre-kids, but this is how I would have done it then too. 

We hire out cleaning. We split cooking, but she does it more. We split laundry, it's about even. I do my own ironing. I do all outside work. We split kitchen cleanup duty, but I do it more. We split kid stuff (baths and such) but she does more. Eat dinner 5:30-6pm. She also works just part time and I'm full time. We found a balance based on what we prefer to do more. 

If you're not working and job hunting is not taking up your full day, then you should attempt to contribute on par with his work day. You should be able to clean, cook, launder, and basically run the house like a Ritz-Carlton in a 20-30 hour week (with no kids). If you particularly despise something, let that be his task. But it's not mani-pedi time while he's at work and then expect him to come home and do laundry. I'm not saying you do this, I'm just saying. How much time are you spending each week on interviews, job searching, and resume construction? 

That said, you're not spending enough quality time together. If your sex life is good then he may be getting his emotional needs met. However, it sounds like your needs for emotional intimacy and conversation are going unmet. You will eventually resent this, even if subconsciously, and be less willing to meet his needs. 

Talk to him. You're lonely. You want more time together during the week. Will he consider working out in the morning? 

If not, go do something for you during this time. Don't be home when he gets home. Maybe there's no dinner ready? 

If I have my wife as a low priority in my life, she will likely start to de-prioritize me in her life. Naturally, not vindictively (or maybe vindictively 😏). 

"I feel close to you and connected to you most when we spend quality time together and have intimate conversation. Lately, I've felt low on the totem pole with you coming home so late. Would you be willing to change your routine to better meet my needs? And when you're at work I'll be busy either job hunting or keeping this place up."


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Trini,
Would you go and work out with him - if it was just the two of you? 

If so, have you asked if he would pick a night or two - to work out with you instead of his friends? 

Getting in between a partner and a healthy activity they prioritize is a dangerous thing. 

Is there a reason he can't go straight to the gym from work?

If he's delaying his workout solely to synch up with his friends - maybe he could limit that to a few nights a week. 





trini said:


> Soo I was wondering what couples in their early 30s or late 20s do after work everyday if they also go to the gym what time do they come home? Who does the cooking? Who does the cleaning? How much tv time do you have? What do you do in the weekends? Family visits or jus tyou guys?
> 
> Im asking because my husband comes home everyday at 830pm after he goes to the gym with his friends for 1hr 15 mins. He gets home at 620ish then leaves for the gym at 7 then comes back 830pm. I do the cooking and laundry. He thinks because right now I am not working and am searching for a job I should be doing this as he works. Do you think this is fair? We dont have kids yet. ISn't he working out too late? He and I are together in the weekend though. He is a little bit obessesed with working out. I feel lonely sometimes and would like him to help me cook etc. but I cant ask him to not go to the gym. Is 830pm later than most people would like to be together? Is going to the gym everyday Mon-Thurs (fridays he goes most time but sometimes doesnt), then sat and sun we spend together. Most of the time he doesnt go in the weekend but sometimes does. Out sat and sun is split between doing something ourselves and with his family. If we go visit his family fri, we might not go sat and sun or if we dont go friday and do date night, then we will go sunday. That thing. He is close to this family.
> 
> ...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Yes, if you are at home, looking for job, I think it is rather fair, you put that laundry in between sending some resumes, instaed of waiting for him to do it at 9 pm. You can however take car of folding it together, as this is much more time consuming work. 

Dinner does not have to be very elaborate. Throw some meat and veggies on the grill and voila! quick and healthy.

Have you talked to him that you would like to spend more time together, cook dinner together, have some wine? Does he know that this is so important to you that you start resenting him? Because you do. Mem has good advise to ask him to split work out between you and his buddies. 

Oh- once you have a job, make sure you won't run to cook dinner and put that laundry in straight from work. Have a conversation now and make it clear that this is temporary arrangement. don't let the women's guilt trick you into doing more house chores if you work the same. We tend to see our name written on dirty dishes and clothes, but let me assure you, this is just psychotic imagination.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Go to the gym with him. 

Though he may spend a lot of time mate guarding...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think spending 1.5 to 2 hours together on weekdays is doing pretty good. And yes, I think you doing the majority of household chores since you're not working is fair. You have no kids, right? Not sure what else you'd have to do all day.

Once you have kids, revisit the arrangement. For now, be thankful for your 1.5 to 2 hours of time together each weekday and all weekends long.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

I'm a wife in my late 20s, no kids, professional. I work 9am through 11pm Monday through Friday 6 months out of the year and for 3 of those months I also work 5 or 6 hours on Saturdays. I work out in the morning or on my lunch hour during busy seasons, and after work during slow seasons. This means during slow times I still get home around 8pm. 

This works for us because we can start to annoy each other if we're constantly together  absence makes the heart grow fonder! 

Where you don't work and don't have kids I absolutely think you should do the vast, vast majority of the housework. That's your contribution to the household; the paycheck is your husband's contribution.


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

Wow thank you all for the replies.

Just a clear up I never ask him to do the laundry after he gets homes from the gym. I just want him to wash his plates after he eats or put the trash out or fold the laundry in the weekend. He does do this sometimes but not enough at all and it is never a routine with him. When he is mad at me he doesnt do anything at all. Yet I have to do it all the time cause if I don't he sees me as not contributing and being lazy while I cannot say the same to him as he is working. Btw my parents are rich so they give me money to spend while I am job hunting it is not all on him. 

I cannot ask him to go in the morning as he doesnt like this. He leaves the house at 7:15am. Plus he needs his mates to do the lifting with him for weightlifting and spotting plus he enjoys their company to workout as well as chat. He likes to do this as a destress of the day. If he doesnt work out for more than three four days, he says his muscles start to hurt. He is willing to stay home one night in the week to cook and chat with me but that somehow ends up not happening. I feel lonely because I am home all alone looking for work in the laptop and then I cook and wait for him to come home and he is never there to cook and be my partner like i want him to be. However he also says as I am not working i should be cooking anyway. He doesnt like to cook and if i dont cook he never says anything. He never gets mad. His mom used to do all the cooking and ideally he wants a wife like this. I wont be one like that after I get my job but right now I have no excuse. He is just not into the cooking chatting because he values gym more than that. He says we have weekend for being together..plus he is willing to spend one night in the week with me (technically that is) so I just shut up about it. I feel lonely though. I also resent that his family is here so fridays usually we go out to dinner with them. I sometimes hate this because all week long I look forward to doing something with him and then have to hang out with his family. There is sat and sun for us though so I shut up about that too. 

I dont want to go out and do something while he is at the gym. I mean what can I do? What do you all mean by this? He is at the gym I go to the gym in the afternoon. Plus i need to be home to cook something in the evenings so I dont understand...

I dont like going with him and his mates in the evening. And he is not going to go with me instead of his mates as he likes to go with them. Also he needs them I guess. 

I know I am getting into a side topic here but as it is proving to be more and more difficult to find a job here sometimes I get very helpless. I have been looking for 2 years now! I sometimes just watch youtube videos all day long and never leave the house. I think I am very lazy and there is something wrong with me. I didn't used to be like this. I have a Masters and have worked before. I sometimes think I am a little depressed. Also, again a side topic but we have had trust issues...he lied to me once and I heard him talk about girls with his mates once too so I always think he is talking about girls inappropriately with his gym mates in the gym. I always doubt him when he says he hasnt and when I ask him what his mates said as an example, he never tell me saying it is not my business and he doesnt need to tattle tale as long as he isnt talking. He refuses to tell me which really makes me paranoid and suspicious why he wouldnt just open up. Even if I judge his friends I just dont get why he would care if it makes me feel more at peace. Again he says he doesnt anymore so I dont know what to do but "trust" him I guess.

I think I have major self confidence, self image issues which has developed much more since I got married. He doesnt understand me. I feel like I am sabotaging my marriage but I don't know what to do. He makes me angry but I love him too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> When a guy spends over an hour at the gym he is generally talking a majority of that time. I know, because *I've read all about it* and observed the guys at the gym. He'll be getting a max of 20min high-intensity workout in there, *the rest is fluff.*


Stopped reading here.

Fluff?

Ok, this is bullsh*t. As a woman who works out three days a week and lifts HEAVY weights, I can assure you that an hour and fifteen minutes is not unreasonable for a workout.

I do a 3-day "split"... Monday is chest, shoulders and triceps. Wednesday is back and biceps. Friday is leg day. And I do abs all three days. My workouts take one hour each day. So adding in drive time, chatting with friends, spotting each other, an hour and fifteen minutes is completely reasonable.

You've "read all about it"?? Try DOING it, busting your a$$ to stay in shape. Then come back and tell me you can "get it all done" in 20 MINUTES.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Lol, funny what people take offence at isn't it. Anyway, you misread what I said. I didn't say he could get it all done in 20min, I said that's the max high-intensity time he'll be getting, imo. Does it really matter?


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## trini (Jun 19, 2014)

no no its 1hr 30 mins in total time if you combine going and coming back (10 mins each)



happy as a clam said:


> Stopped reading here.
> 
> Fluff?
> 
> ...


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

breeze said:


> Lol, funny what people take offence at isn't it. Anyway, you misread what I said. I didn't say he could get it all done in 20min, I said that's the max high-intensity time he'll be getting, imo. Does it really matter?


I'm not taking "offense" at all.... And yes, it really matters. His workout time is reasonable. You were implying that it wasn't. And that it is all "fluff", whatever that is.

Besides, lifting weights isn't about "high-intensity" for the most part.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

trini said:


> I know I am getting into a side topic here but as it is proving to be more and more difficult to find a job here sometimes I get very helpless. I have been looking for 2 years now! I sometimes just watch youtube videos all day long and never leave the house. I think I am very lazy and there is something wrong with me. I didn't used to be like this. I have a Masters and have worked before. I sometimes think I am a little depressed. Also, again a side topic but we have had trust issues...he lied to me once and I heard him talk about girls with his mates once too so I always think he is talking about girls inappropriately with his gym mates in the gym. I always doubt him when he says he hasnt and when I ask him what his mates said as an example, he never tell me saying it is not my business and he doesnt need to tattle tale as long as he isnt talking. He refuses to tell me which really makes me paranoid and suspicious why he wouldnt just open up. Even if I judge his friends I just dont get why he would care if it makes me feel more at peace. Again he says he doesnt anymore so I dont know what to do but "trust" him I guess.
> 
> I think I have major self confidence, self image issues which has developed much more since I got married. He doesnt understand me. I feel like I am sabotaging my marriage but I don't know what to do. He makes me angry but I love him too.


Ok, this is a FAR different issue than laundry, cooking, and working out. Why did you leave this important information out of your first post?

Low self-esteem? Laziness? Self-image issues? Trust issues? Other girls?

You might have gotten very different advice.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

FRankly, it does look like you are not the priority for him. He lives his own life, and you just getting small piece of it. I think staying at home gets to you, and that's rather normal in situation like this, so do not beat yoursefl up about it. If you can not find job in your field, or at your level, can ou find something different? Anything would be better then sitting at home all day long, staring at the computer screen.

You know what? I think you should just surprise your hubby. Wait for him in your gym clothes and happily announce that you are joining him couple of days a week for work out. You can prepare dinner in the morning, something one dish easy to heat up later. You need to get more proactive. And that will also help you to rebuild your self esteem.

When you say you can not do work out wiht him, becuase you just have to do it in the afternoon, it is the same when he says he can not cook with your because he has to work out. I think this would be nice compromise. Also, his reaction to this might tell you a lot.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your husband, although a couple hours every weekday and full weekends isn't a bad amount of time to spend together.

But as the thread moves on I think there's more here. It sounds like you're lonely in general, with some ennui stemming from being cooped up in the house all day without any life progress happening. It sounds like you assume that more time with your husband, or him doing more work, will solve your depression and frustration problems. I don't think that's true -- that thought seems to be a common one for a non-working spouse from the stories I've read here, and at the root I think the solution must come from you. Find something you enjoy doing, meet a friend or two. Volunteer. Have a project that you can make progress on. Your self-respect will shoot up, and your husband will find your new self-built confidence attractive.

I'm not saying you need to build a whole life away from your spouse, but you should be able to provide yourself *some* happiness without your husband. "You are my everything" is co-dependent thinking, doomed to fail, because a person cannot provide all happiness for another. More realistic is "you complete me", which implies that you have some things going on, but your spouse fills in the blanks.


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## Me Vietare (Nov 26, 2014)

Frankly, you sound like a whiny, entitled, rich princess, drama queen and it's no wonder your dear hubby wants to spend time away. Get some counseling. Make yourself attractive mentally--all you've written about is you, you, you and what you want. 

Looking for work for two years? Really? Must be pretty selective. So you stay at home, send out resumes and cover letters--written once and revised for each job takes about 1 hour at the most. And, you object to doing the house work while hubby is working 8-10 hours a day? Oh, and you don't want to go to the gym at night just because you don't want to go to the gym at night. 

Get some counseling and change your attitude. Or, you'll be returning to your home country as a single woman.


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