# Counselor advice ...



## itskaren (Dec 28, 2011)

I have had some marriage counselling with my husband. I have 6 sessions free counselling (3 for me and 3 for my husband) from work. If we want anymore we need to pay for it ourselves which is fine.

However, I am just a bit confused that the same counsellor will see us separately and together. She now wants to see me privately for 10 sessions and then my husband for private sessions.

This does not sound good to me? Surely we should have separate counsellors? Any thoughts?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you have a choice of counselors? If you do, check on their certifications and their experience in dealing with infidelity.

My wife and I saw the same counselor both as a couple and individually. There's nothing wrong or unethical with that. It may even be helpful. What can be harmful is getting a poorly qualified person.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I think having the same counselor will make it easier for the counselor when he/she hears both sides of the same story. 

I know my counselor seen us separate and then together once a week. It was good because then the counselor could direct me and educate me on what my wives issues where and how I could address them effectively. 

Unfortunately my wife was lying all along and planning on leaving me, so it was wasted time and money this time around. 

But in the past when we used this counselor / therapist and we came out of incident stronger that was 6 years ago. Again, sadly not strong enough this time around.

But regardless the counselor was about to explain in man talk what my wife was trying to say but I was failing to understand.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

It is fine to have the same counselor like that as long as the goals are clear. What is the primary purpose? Is it marriage therapy?

Keep in mind that while you will be getting individual counseling it will be oriented towards the primary goal which sounds like it is couples/marriage therapy.

It may become a conflict or at least a complication for you both to be getting individual therapy from the same person plus marriage therapy. If you both have significant personal issues it may require one of you to find a different individual therapist.

It would be best to discuss with the therapist how he/she sees all of it fitting together, and what the limitations are.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> Do you have a choice of counselors? If you do, check on their certifications and their experience in dealing with infidelity.
> 
> My wife and I saw the same counselor both as a couple and individually. There's nothing wrong or unethical with that. It may even be helpful. *What can be harmful is getting a poorly qualified person.*


.....no truer statement will ever be said. Based on seeing a completely incompetent, and biased, counselor (favoring the female side of the story), I will never see another one again. 

My wife has been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, and due to my less than cheerful demeanor lately (about her) she stated that I should go with her to the therapist. Not in a million years!! She's had 2 years to fill the therapists notebook with her side of whatever story she's telling .....and I won't fight that losing, uphill battle ever again. Between her PA and my experience with counselors ...let's just say that trust is not something that flows from me with the greatest of ease.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....no truer statement will ever be said. Based on seeing a completely incompetent, and biased, counselor (favoring the female side of the story), I will never see another one again.
> 
> My wife has been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, and due to my less than cheerful demeanor lately (about her) she stated that I should go with her to the therapist. Not in a million years!! She's had 2 years to fill the therapists notebook with her side of whatever story she's telling .....and I won't fight that losing, uphill battle ever again. Between her PA and my experience with counselors ...let's just say that trust is not something that flows from me with the greatest of ease.


Here's something I found on a cheater's board. The cheating wife was explaining to another cheating wife about the "value" of her counselor:

_(xxxname removedxxx) » January 4th, 2013, 12:09 am
my counselor supports me dating MM. She loves to talk about it with me. she calls it "chick flick" stuff. of course, my counseling has been completely focused on me doing things in my life that make me happy and that are best for me, and helping me learn to minimize accepting responsibility for how anyone else feels. shrug. sorry things went down poorly for you._


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am a counselor, mainly combat Veterans (I am one myself). This topic comes up frequently in my office. Rule of thumb. If you do couple's therapy, you should not do one of the two individually. You can do both individually as long as you give equal time to both and you do so in a neutral way. Typically I do individual and have the couple see someone else. The majority of the time that I do couples is for the spouse to understand the Veteran's issues.

My take is for both to go to individual therapy and see a different counselor for couples.

My own experience is that when I went for therapy after my wife's A and she went to another one, mine was very good and held me accountable for my behavior (anger, etc), my wife's counselor was no good and took my wife's side, told her not to share things with me, told her not to answer my questions. I knew from the beginning that she was not a good counselor, but "hey" my wife liked her and that is all she wanted. She did not and still does not like people to tell her how wrong she was.

We are a year out and R is OK but she clammed up (due to her counselor) and shared very little from her counseling time with me. I told my wife a lot


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Hurtin_Still said:


> .....no truer statement will ever be said. Based on seeing a completely incompetent, and biased, counselor (favoring the female side of the story), I will never see another one again.
> 
> My wife has been seeing a therapist for about 2 years now, and due to my less than cheerful demeanor lately (about her) she stated that I should go with her to the therapist. Not in a million years!! She's had 2 years to fill the therapists notebook with her side of whatever story she's telling .....and I won't fight that losing, uphill battle ever again. Between her PA and my experience with counselors ...let's just say that trust is not something that flows from me with the greatest of ease.


You should go.

My wife insisted on seeing a female marriage counselor figuring I'd be paying $250.hr for TWO women to tell me what an a-hole I was. Turns out the marriage counselor thought we were BOTH a-holes (to each other).

I went to a therapist for over a year. One day my wife said "I want to talk to her to tell her what an a-hole you are." I agreed.

After an hour talking to my wife, the therapist said to me "I believe everything you have told me. Why are you still married to her?"

It will be a good way to get your story on the table, unless your side of the story sucks.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> You should go.
> 
> My wife insisted on seeing a female marriage counselor figuring I'd be paying $250.hr for TWO women to tell me what an a-hole I was. Turns out the marriage counselor thought we were BOTH a-holes (to each other).
> 
> ...


...my side of the story absolutely doesn't suck. We were in a rough patch 17 yrs ago ....and she cheated. The counselor was one that said, "*you're both to blame ...for her cheating*". After all these years I finally came to taking a hard stand that her actions ...were HER actions ...not mine ...not me forcing her hand. The in-marriage difficulties were both our doings, and I could see that and 'own that'. But I refused to sit there and get beat up by a therapist ...who was supporting my wife in her being able to blame me ...all while taking my money. 

...as I said ...I don't trust therapists. If I did chose to go, however ...it's not too expensive ...so if I gave it a shot and then it turned into another one side slam-fest ....I'd walk out ...and have only had blown a few hundred bucks ...if that.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> The counselor was one that said, "*you're both to blame ...for her cheating*".


Easiest way to combat that statement "so since we are still having problems you must feel its ok for me to start cheating tomorrow right?"


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

bfree said:


> Easiest way to combat that statement "so since we are still having problems you must feel its ok for me to start cheating tomorrow right?"



....if only I could say / be like that. As angry as I am that there really wasn't an reconciliation (in the true sense...with her hurting from remorse, truly sorry, doing all the 'heavy lifting', having full disclosure of the details of the PA ....etc), I am keenly aware of the pain that it caused me ...and again, as angry as I get ...I couldn't do that to anyone.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Hurtin_Still said:


> ....if only I could say / be like that. As angry as I am that there really wasn't an reconciliation (in the true sense...with her hurting from remorse, truly sorry, doing all the 'heavy lifting', having full disclosure of the details of the PA ....etc), I am keenly aware of the pain that it caused me ...and again, as angry as I get ...I couldn't do that to anyone.


I didn't say you should do it, just ask the counselor if she thinks its ok since she feels cheating is excusable if there are marital problems. Of course I'd say it just to see the counselor's reaction. Yeah, I'm like that.


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