# Is Avoidance really the answer?



## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I know we should try to keep to our original posts, but this inquiry was a hard one and felt it needed it's own thread. 

I have heard, read and researched online the best ways of trying to reconcile and much of it says "avoidance" is the key.

I do realize how important it is that you not sound desperate or aggressive in the first few weeks/months when your spouse wants to leave, but is this really the best tactic?

Yes, I do see where my 180 worked, which included much avoidance.I was secure, positive and confident in our little interactions despite me wanting to ask everything from A to Z on how/why this happened to us.

In him returning 6 weeks after leaving, I said "Yeaaaaaa, all I did worked." But at the end of the day, I feel like it almost worked against me because upon his return, I had all these emotions I held inside for the sake of a strong facade while he was gone and I blew up and confronted him about all my emotions. 

Now here I sit alone after I let him back in for less than two weeks and depressed again because I feel like that wall I built was false. What gives?

Am I missing something here?


----------



## Niceguy13 (Apr 7, 2011)

I think the point of avoidance is to get right by yourself not engage them when they obviously want a fight or they are just "checking" up on you. Its not them you are avoiding its the new **** head mentality they aquired. My mother is a better example then my wife if I think she has been doing crack recently I won't go anywhere enar her won't talk to her nothing. In her sober moments when she engages I will allow myself to be engaged.


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

I agree 100 percent. I don't want to get hate mail, LOL, but I find the 180 to be unrealistic, and quite frankly, counterproductive. I get it, in that we are supposed to appear unaffected, aloof, confident, independent, etc. all in hopes of "getting our partner back" but I too had to vent, scream, yell, cry, talk on the phone, text, ask questions, listen, talk, spend time with him............I HAD to do all of that!!!! I truly couldn't help myself. I DID have periods of days (a week was the longest) that I had NC, but to tell you the truth, it just came naturally on these occasions, and/or I was extremely busy. I am not moving on and am pulling away from him and getting over him naturally. I am even thinking about possibly dating some day!  (or attempting too! haha) It was a process. On another note, it does not make a lot of sense to me to "avoid" if you are trying to work things out with a person. THAT will not solve problems, mend fences, etc. You must talk, share, open up, and SOLVE PROBLEMS. I get you, and agree. The 180 certainly has it's place, but for me it just was not real "workable" or realistic.


----------



## Kcrat (Mar 18, 2011)

Oops! TYPO....I meant that I am "now" moving on not, that I am "not" moving on. Makes a world of difference! LOL


----------



## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

I'm thankful for your feedback. As I know how difficult this time is for all of us, at some point we have to come to terms with the reality of it all.

Can the 180 approach work, Yes! Absolutely! You want what you can't have, but at the end of the day, if I'm building myself up for me (regardless if I get you back or not), then, Hell yeaaaaah, (if I haven't dealt with the emotions that led you to leave,) I'm going to feel empowered by your return. 

To give into those emotions is another kind of strength that is not discussed. You have to be prepared when the other person wants back in. This is what I wasn't prepared for. After I confronted him on some feeling (at the wrong time, my admittance) and "poof" again he's gone.

I just looked at it like I made 100% on my first test. And now with the aftermath, I feel like I've failed on my second test. 

How do you build again when you feel like you've put all your 180 into effect, let the other person know (indirectly or directly) that it wasn't you being you, and still build on that???


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heart... it isn't so much about "avoidance."

The fact is he just up and left you one day and took the pvssy way out of leaving you a note and then disappeared like a ghost w/o a real reason even. Then he was wishy washy but still came back, saying he wante dt o make it work and bailed again.

It's not about avoidance...more about self-preservation. Why chase someone who is running away from you? You did the right thing by conveying you would survive with or w/o him. I don't believe you pushed him away at all. He had already made his choice. So don't feel it's your fault at all. This is about him, not you. 

Don't feel as if you failed a test. This is real life and a real relationship and a real marriage. And he has demonstrated he's not "really" up to the committment it involves.

So it's not that you were avoiding him... you told him straight up you would be fine either way. Crying and begging him to come back would have made it way worse. He would have seen you as a weak woman who was desperate to cling onto a man who was so disrespectful he just left one day w/o even saying a word. 

You deserve so much better than some boy who could do this to the woman who he vowed to love.


----------



## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

Jellybean, you always say just the right thing to bring a smile on my face. It's been a rough few days and I feel that the avoidance is getting to me. I just want it all to end already. I'm just tired of thinking about him, it, us. Such a waste of energy!!!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Glad I can make you smile 

Have either of you discussed filing anything yet?


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Honestly, I don't believe avoidance is the answer. I think two people need to be together to work on the marriage. Avoidance, in my case, led to divorce, so I could never recommend separation..And suggest its used with caution and only as a final option. Im completely devastated and the hopes I had during separation have only made this whole mess harder. Good luck. I hope for the best for all of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sadsuzy said:


> I think two people need to be together to work on the marriage.


And there's the rub: it takes TWO people. One person alone can't save a marriage.
So, what do you suggest when ONE person has made it clear they want a divorce?


----------



## VLR (May 15, 2011)

I think avoidance as part of establishing boundaries and leaving them to own their choices can be effective. Sometimes you have to break the mold of trying to "get your spouse to do the right thing" and let them know you recognize they've made their choice, you aren't playing that and here's where that leaves your relationship.


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Jellybeans, I wish I could give you a good answer. But I was that one person that wanted to save our marriage. And he is the one that wants a divorce. So we tried to separate, and that ended in him telling me he wants a divorce. That may not be the case for everyone, but it unfortunately was for us. So I believe with all of my heart that separation should be used as a last resort. Because maybe, if my husband and I sought counseling or if we talked more about our problems before separating, maybe we wouldn't be here. I agree it completely takes two. And in my case, it was just me. And I lost. I wish I could be more help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Every time I want to call, I remember back when I broke up with someone. I was SO HAPPY when they left me alone. I wanted to flee the country whenever he reached out to me. It was the ickiest feeling. I NEVER want to be the one causing the icky feeling. My husband knows I love him. He knows I don't want to divorce so me not contacting him isn't going to change anything. Either way, he doesn't love me enough to stay married to me. If he did, he wouldn't leave.

Of course I broke down last night and texted but hey, it happens I guess.


----------



## sadsuzy (May 15, 2011)

Staircase. I know what ya mean about this icky feeling when exes would contact you. But I don't know why, i just feel like it should be different with husbands and wives. Idk. I just don't know. :'( 

I'm not contacting mine anymore. And I feel pretty good. At least at this moment in time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Marriage means precious little in my marriage, suzy. I am not even talking about the impending divorce. My whole family thinks he married me for his green card. I _really_ don't think that, but there were times I know he felt cornered. I mean **** he's from freaking Australia it's not like he was searching for some sort of asylum in the US.


----------



## Heartbroken007 (Mar 31, 2011)

It's so tough to distingish (sp) why or how you can process all of what is happening with us. I continue to think that putting up that though exterier is all I can to for me. 
But at the end of the day, what can we do for us??? Do we just keep saying How, Why, What, or do we just wait and see. 
That's where I am right now and I don't like that feeling.
I feel like I'm giving him all the power. 
What to do, What to do?


----------



## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

avoidance is a by product of 180, 180 is about *you*, giving you time to process, to do what you need to do to get you back on your feet. It is not about bottling up your emotions to appear 'strong' when in contact with the ex partner. You have the emotions that need to be talked about, your ex partner is *not* the person to talk to.

It is about you taking control of your own life.

Does 180 work in getting a partner back, yes, it can do if that is what you want, it is all about you, not them.

180 has worked for me, not for getting my marriage back, I see that as something that is never going to happen, and something I do not want, but for my own health & well being, yep, 180 has worked near on 100% for me


----------



## VLR (May 15, 2011)

A relationship can't be any healthier than the two people involved in it. The only thing you can control is the process of working on your own issues. If you are working on yourself, you'll be better off regardless of where the marriage goes.


----------

