# Triggered my STBXH - good reminder



## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

So my STBXH and I have been getting along fine. We are even taking the kids to Disney together in a few weeks.

Tonight, though, I was reminded of why we didn't work. So, he had been very helpful today. Picked up our son, took him to a doctor appointment, and then had him finish his homework. It was my week with the kids, so that took care of some of what I needed to do to this evening with them.

When he drops off our son, he seems down. I ask him if he's ok (mistake). He says he is a stress headache and then proceeds to tell me a detailed account of all the problems he's had at work lately. This is in front of our two kids who hear all his complaining about demanding customers and employees who do this and that he doesn't like. After about 10 min, I just politely interrupted him and said that when I was a child, I heard my dad say this kind of thing. My dad owned his own business and I decided early that owning your own business sounded awful and I'd never do it. So I say this to my husband and he gets defensive. "I rarely talk about work!" Well, when we were still under the same roof he did, but that isn't the point. He knows he does this and just doesn't like it being pointed out.

At this point he just says, "Fine." He gets up, says goodbye to the kids, and leaves.

And it has bothered me for the past hour. It brought back how I felt when I tried to say anything to him, how I never could, how he could never take anything that even remotely sounded like criticism.

I also suspect that he walked out pissed because he did a nice thing (getting our son to finish his homework) and that I didn't appreciate him. Well, he is a "nice guy" so there are always cover contracts involved. I didn't ask him to handle the homework and I did say thank you that he did that with our son. But I'm sure he sees it differently.

So... Just really sharing how a simple exchange triggered him and left me feeling out of sorts. And gave me a good reminder of why I left.
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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I understand. My ex and I get along pretty well despite having a fairly ugly divorce, but over the years things have calmed down. 

But sometimes when I drop our boys off with him and he's in a p!ssy mood he'll make snide comments, and for a minute it gets on my nerves because I put up with that for so long. 

But then I remember that im not married to him so who cares? And I see his dogs wagging their tails anyway and have a private chuckle over the fact that the dogs are great partners for him. 

They don't care what kind of arse he is because he doesn't hit them and he feeds, so what else do they care about?
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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

The good news is that, just a short time later, it doesn't bother me anymore! And I don't have to deal with a pouty, passive aggressive man the rest of the night.

God, I really didn't have perspective on how messed up that all was. How he would "make me pay" for hours on end by huffing and ignoring and letting me know through all his nonverbal communication that he was unhappy with me. For hours and hours. So glad to be done with that! So, so glad.
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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

wonder if it's a good thing to be taking the children on vacation together?

You're getting divorced. They need to learn and accept that they are now in two different families, mommy and daddy are no longer a couple.

Doing things with them especially a long vacation sends the wrong message, don't ya think?

Besides don't you think there will be strife? I mean if you can get along for a week in Disney then why get divorced?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

I've grown (okay, I admit it took years) to appreciate the reminders of why my ex and I didn't work out. It's nice to get validation on a regular basis that I did the right thing by getting divorced.

I do wonder, along with the others, why you would go on vacation with him. Sounds dreadful! Be sure not to ask him how he's doing.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> I've grown (okay, I admit it took years) to appreciate the reminders of why my ex and I didn't work out. It's nice to get validation on a regular basis that I did the right thing by getting divorced.
> 
> I do wonder, along with the others, why you would go on vacation with him. Sounds dreadful! Be sure not to ask him how he's doing.


Because I love my kids, because he's a good human being, because we can be friends, because it's an experience I want to give my kids.

There are unconventional relationships everywhere you turn. As long as I feel we can keep it positive and fun, I think it will be good.
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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

Unconventional relationships are not the same as no relationship which is what you will have once you are divorced.

It may be "fun" but it won't be any good for the children it will only confuse them and increase their false hopes.

All children want their parents to stay together.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

Altair said:


> Unconventional relationships are not the same as no relationship which is what you will have once you are divorced.
> 
> It may be "fun" but it won't be any good for the children it will only confuse them and increase their false hopes.
> 
> All children want their parents to stay together.


We spend some time together now and get along. The kids appreciate it. It may not be for everyone, but this is the way I feel is best; their parents getting along and being friendly while downing time with the kids.
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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

Do you think your children want/expect that you may get back together?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Begin again said:


> We spend some time together now and get along. The kids appreciate it. It may not be for everyone, but this is the way I feel is best; their parents getting along and being friendly while downing time with the kids.


Pardon me if I get on a little soapbox. I was a stxbh that went through this.

It is great that two people that were married and can get along. But let's be honest, being a nice guy myself, I know inside your stbxh he is deeply hurting. Being around you and having to play nice with someone who wants to divorce him is killing him. I know it killed me to be around my ex when we were in the early stages of divorce. I hated to be around her but did it "For the sake of the kids." It may make you feel better that you are not being outwardly hostile to your stbx, but your post clearly states you don't like who he is (It's his own fault that he can't express himself or take constructive criticism). 

Do him a favor and tell him like it is and split your lives. The only reason he continues to do things is because he hopes that the two of your will reconcile. Why not go ahead and rip the band aid off so that he can move forward in the grief process? Right now he feels like he is in limbo because you keep having him over and doing things as a family together, like the old days. It's tough, but you need to leave no ambiguity about the situation.

Sorry if I ranted, I look back at my former marriage and divorce and see the problems I caused and what it took to finally be a better man.




Altair said:


> Do you think your children want/expect that you may get back together?


It really depends on the ages of the kids. Based on my experience, the younger ones will not understand. My youngest wanted her mother and I to get back together for years. I think if my ex had been more clear & honest up front, things might have been different. My kids are older now and understand, but it seemed fuzzy for a while.


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## Begin again (Jul 4, 2016)

C3156 said:


> Pardon me if I get on a little soapbox. I was a stxbh that went through this.
> 
> It is great that two people that were married and can get along. But let's be honest, being a nice guy myself, I know inside your stbxh he is deeply hurting. Being around you and having to play nice with someone who wants to divorce him is killing him. I know it killed me to be around my ex when we were in the early stages of divorce. I hated to be around her but did it "For the sake of the kids." It may make you feel better that you are not being outwardly hostile to your stbx, but your post clearly states you don't like who he is (It's his own fault that he can't express himself or take constructive criticism).
> 
> ...


Actually, he's the one that keeps inserting himself into my life. He suggested the Disney trip and I wasn't sold at first. I said we must be getting along to do it. And he's the one that offers to come over and help the kids with homework or suggest a family movie night when the kids are with me. I've been encouraging him to date other people.

As for the kids, I guess the only option you are giving me is to stop the four of us from hanging out. Guess we can do that, but I felt like at least we were showing them that two people can learn to get past their differences and get along. Because we fought daily when we were together. The kids knew it was bad for all of us. They are 8 and 10 and I don't think they are expecting us to get back together. At least my daughter is not. Not sure about my son.


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## Altair (Sep 16, 2016)

Begin again said:


> Actually, he's the one that keeps inserting himself into my life. He suggested the Disney trip and I wasn't sold at first. I said we must be getting along to do it. And he's the one that offers to come over and help the kids with homework or suggest a family movie night when the kids are with me.


Well if he doesn't want the divorce I can see why he keeps trying to do things with you! Not that you have to care but you're holding him back from moving on. Don't you at least suspect this is true without someone telling you?



Begin again said:


> I guess the only option you are giving me is to stop the four of us from hanging out.


What happens when you meet a new guy? Just gonna cut ex hubbie out just like that? 



Begin again said:


> They are 8 and 10 and I don't think they are expecting us to get back together. At least my daughter is not. Not sure about my son.


Ask him. Don't take her at her word when she says no.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Begin again said:


> Actually, he's the one that keeps inserting himself into my life. He suggested the Disney trip and I wasn't sold at first. I said we must be getting along to do it. And he's the one that offers to come over and help the kids with homework or suggest a family movie night when the kids are with me. I've been encouraging him to date other people.


It's his nice guy nature that he wants to "help". In his mind, he thinks that if he does what he thinks you want, perhaps he still has a chance and you may reconcile. That is why I mentioned you need to leave no ambiguity. You have to be honest and crystal clear. You don't have to be mean, but he needs to understand that the only ending will be the two of you divorcing.

If I know him right, as soon as he sees the light (so to speak), he may not talk directly to you for a while. Or if he does, it will be short conversations. And he will stop coming over all of the time and will probably be in a funk for a while. Those are his issues to deal with, so don't beat yourself up about it.

As for dating, I would say encourage him to read some self help books and/or talk with a therapist instead. Adding a girlfriend will just distract him (Trust me, I know). 



Begin again said:


> As for the kids, I guess the only option you are giving me is to stop the four of us from hanging out. Guess we can do that, but I felt like at least we were showing them that two people can learn to get past their differences and get along. Because we fought daily when we were together. The kids knew it was bad for all of us. They are 8 and 10 and I don't think they are expecting us to get back together. At least my daughter is not. Not sure about my son.


It's not that you can't hang out, I did for a while. He just has to understand that there will be no change to the situation. You may hang out and have a great time, but that does not change your decision. I just think spending a lot of time together sends the wrong message and may be more encouraging than helpful. Not sure if that makes sense.

And the Disney trip, I think that he is just opening himself up for a huge disappointment. Again, in his mind, this should make things better. If you do go, and I would not recommend, make sure you have separate rooms.


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