# Please Everyone give me your opinions.



## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

If your spouse came to you and said "I have noticed several things that make me think that there might be something fishy going on with you/us, and I think the answer might be found on your Facebook friends list, messages, and wall". "Can you log in and show me whats there?". Would you give in to your spouse's request? How about if your spouse said the same thing about texts, pics, and messages on your smart phone? Would you allow your spouse access?


UPDATE,

OK this is how I handled my Husband's request.... 
I deleted my Face book account. I showed my Husband all my pictured that are on my smart phone. I still will not show him my contacts and messages but admitted that I do text with a guy that he knows that I have hung out with alone and my Husband considers it a date. I text him and he texts me complaining about his job and asking for advice etc. about my best friend because he likes her. My Husband feels that no one of the same sex (other than family members) should be communicating alone with someones Spouse. And no Spouse should be communicating alone with someone of the opposite sex. My Husband feels that my friend that texts me for my advice, opinions, etc. should be asking a single woman of his male friends or get out of the Jr. High and Sr. High School and discuss things with the woman he likes. My Husband says that this is how affairs start. I told him that I have no feelings for my friend, I don't think hes good looking, and hes just a friend. His response was that is what everybody says. Then they say I did not intend to cheat. I only thought of him as a friend, I didn't even think he was good looking.

NOW WHAT?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Yes absolutely, there should be nothing to hide in a marriage. IF you are doubting sharing, sounds like you have things that you would not be comfortable with your spouse seeing.... My thoughts on facebook are, dont do anything that you wouldn't do in front of your spouse, just like in real life, use your morals. don't cross lines, and you will never have anything to hide, and can honor that request at any time.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

If your spouse isn't allowing you access to your reasonable requests, then yes, you have a BIG problem.

But now you've tipped her hand, and if there IS a reason for concern, it's going to be that much harder to find it.

Stop asking, and go find out for yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I would laugh and give her everything she wanted. In fact I would thank her for having such concern in protecting the marriage.

Then I would throw her a bone and give her "some" for her concern and asking.

In addition I would make sure she had all my password so that she could check for her self.

I quess when you live your life like your spouse is always next to you even when she is not then looking at my stuff really doesn't matter.

Her on the other hand....is a sneaky little freak and god only knows what shes up to.


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## AwwSnail (Jul 22, 2012)

At the stage I'm at in my relationship (engaged) I would take him not showing me very seriously and I would need to reassess the relationship all together. I do not want to live with someone who would not show me their social websites or phone/whatever. It would be major red flags to me. I have nothing to hide. He can go through whatever he wants. I can understand that other side of that: being able to trust one another. Sometimes to keep a relationship strong you have to "prove it" - I would not be one to look into his FB or phone on a daily, weekly or monthly basis...just as needed... I don't now, but with the given info from the OP in that there was suspicious activity.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

If you're clean, then come clean. You can break his or her chops for a long time if you get approached with that and have nothing to hide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

My husband has all my passwords, access to my phone whenever... Hell, I wouldn't be able to do anything anyway... If I even drive his truck the kids tell him first thing they see him... "MOM DROVE YOUR TRUCK!!!!"


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Are you asking because your spouse is suspicious of you or because you're suspicious of your spouse, you've asked, and they haven't been forthcoming - and you want to know if your request was reasonable.

It's absolutely reasonable. Look without fear. Save your fear for if they resist. (Or if your spouse is the one suspicious, know if you resist, then your spouse should be right to be suspicious.)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

In marriage there should be transparency. 

Which of you asked to see the accounts?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lovingsummer said:


> My husband has all my passwords, access to my phone whenever... Hell, I wouldn't be able to do anything anyway... If I even drive his truck the kids tell him first thing they see him... "MOM DROVE YOUR TRUCK!!!!"


Don't you just love those little tattle tails!!!


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> In marriage there should be transparency.
> 
> Which of you asked to see the accounts?


I think it's fairly obvious that the person who wrote this thread asked to see the accounts and was denied access.

Edited to add

See followup post by the Op

I guessed wrong.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> In marriage there should be transparency.
> 
> Which of you asked to see the accounts?


Totally agree with the transparency, and it shouldn't matter which spouse asks to see. If there are things there that make the other question, then again if there is nothing to hide, access should be granted. If access is denied, even temporarily (clean up time) then MAJOR red flags go up.


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## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

My spouse wants to have access to my accounts.

I think that is a way to keep tabs on me and see it as a bit controlling.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Not sure why you're asking, but I would think it was weird if either one of us even had to ask to see any of it. We share all passwords...heck half of the time my husband reads my texts and FB messages out loud and then replies for me (and the other way around). Couldn't imagine it any other way. I don't think that type of privacy is necessary in marriage.

Just saw that you feel uncomfortable sharing - clearly your spouse feels there is room for suspicion. Can you understand why they feel that way?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> My spouse wants to have access to my accounts.
> 
> I think that is a way to keep tabs on me and see it as a bit controlling.


Thanks for clarifying your rather ambiguous thread.

If you know you've done nothing wrong then either you have boundary issues and you're getting a bit too close to some of your "friends" or your spouse has some insecurity issues.

Either way, denying them access is going to make things worse.

For what it's worth, I don't agree with your attitude at all. Your spouse has concerns and your response is "they're being controlling". 

That's not going to work out in the long run. If you love your spouse, put their needs and wants ahead of yours, stop being so selfish.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> My spouse wants to have access to my accounts.
> 
> I think that is a way to keep tabs on me and see it as a bit controlling.


Nope clearly there are some insecurities in your spouse and there are reasons that you see it as an invasion of privacy rather then settling fears... conflict that can very quickly grow out of control. If you have nothing to hide, grant access. Also I would ask questions, why does your spouse feel this way, have you been distant lately? Does your spouse feel that you have been distant lately? There has to be reasons for a spouse to suddenly just request such things. Spouse has red flags based on something they saw on your fb or based on your behavior.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

In a heartbeat. I have nothing to hide, and putting his mind at rest would be my only concern.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> My spouse wants to have access to my accounts.
> 
> I think that is a way to keep tabs on me and see it as a bit controlling.


Ok, come out of your shell a little more. You've been gender neutral so far. Are you the husband or wife? It's not a secret, you're talking to people here that are both male and female. 

It sounds like there is insecurity on the part of both you and your spouse. Time to start sorting that out. Your question is easy, let's get to the underlying issues here. 

But first, are you the wife or husband. It matters.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

WillK said:


> But first, are you the wife or husband. It matters.


Husband.

He's got this whole macho power thing going and he feels challenged by his wife who is insecure because he flirts with women online. He sees nothing wrong with it, she does.

That's guess number 2 for me on this thread.

I was wrong the first time if anyone cares.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CanUpside said:


> If your spouse came to you and said "I have noticed several things that make me think that there might be something fishy going on with you/us, and I think the answer might be found on your Facebook friends list, messages, and wall". "Can you log in and show me whats there?". Would you give in to your spouse's request? How about if your spouse said the same thing about texts, pics, and messages on your smart phone? Would you allow your spouse access?


Absolutely. No question.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

CanUpside said:


> My spouse wants to have access to my accounts.
> 
> I think that is a way to keep tabs on me and see it as a bit controlling.


No it is called a marriage. A marriage is a partnership. It is about sharing your lives. It is also about spouses looking out for each other and protecting the marriage.

My spouse refusing this would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## lovingsummer (Jul 27, 2012)

Holy taco shells Batman!!! My H said this same thing to me "I should have privacy" early on in our relationship... the only reason I even said anything was becasue I was so open to giving him everything and he was more "reserved"... Boy did that get ugly quck  I changed all my passwords and didn't give him access to anything... he did see my point because I was so open to begin with and then bam... secretive and he didn't like it... the most I've found on him was a few naked girl pictures... magazine type pictures not personally sent ones... the most he's found on me was an email that I wrote to my best friend (another female complaining about him when we were fighting)... We have eachothers passwords and answer emails/texts, etc. for eachother as well...


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

@kindi I'd guess you are right about the husband part, in another thread CanUpSide identified with a male having marital problems, but it was a little confusing because CanUpSide did so by replying to Lamaga (female's) post saying CanUpSide was in the same place - so it reminds me of the old SNL skits with Pat the androgynous character nobody could figure out the gender.

If that's the case, I think that CanUpSide is heavily beta-ized by his wife, and she's probably accused him of having an affair he'd never have. This is a warning sign that she's having an affair, because cheaters are very conscious of how easy it is to cheat.

But I didn't want to get ahead of ourselves. Let's see if our speculation is anywhere close to the truth before we get too far into it.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I did ask for my husbands phone just last Saturday. He handed it right over. There were a couple of things that led up to it.

1. He had to go to work early Saturday to load his truck. He left in sweats. He never wears sweats.
2. On Saturday I was cleaning out the junk on his personal e-mail. He had an e-mail saying welcome to facebook. We don't have facebook accounts.
3. He came home at 4:00pm when he was supposed to be home at 11:00am. Wearing work clothes.

So he came home and I nicely asked for his phone. I wanted to check his work e-mail, texting and phone list. He handed it right over. He was clean.

1. He joined a gym which is why he had sweats on. He told me he was going to join the gym but forgot to tell me when he did.
2. He down loaded an app for working out which automatically signed him up for facebook. He didn't know that he was signing up for facebook. (He's not very computer smart.)
3. He brought his work clothes to change into after his workout. He came home late because someone stacked 15 pallets of doors in front of the supplies he needed. He had to move them all himself since he was the only one in.

So, sometimes by checking you can be relived instead of upset. If he didn't hand his phone over he would have had a lot of big problems.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

WillK said:


> If that's the case, I think that CanUpSide is heavily beta-ized by his wife, and she's probably accused him of having an affair he'd never have. This is a warning sign that she's having an affair, because cheaters are very conscious of how easy it is to cheat.


You think his wife asked to see his FB and all his texts because SHE is the one cheating, because cheaters are conscious of how easy it is to cheat?

I don't follow the logic. If she's cheating why would she care what he's doing or who he's talking to?

Again, assuming the Op is a HE in the first place.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

kindi said:


> You think his wife asked to see his FB and all his texts because SHE is the one cheating, because cheaters are conscious of how easy it is to cheat?
> 
> I don't follow the logic. If she's cheating why would she care what he's doing or who he's talking to?
> 
> Again, assuming the Op is a HE in the first place.


Totally see your point on the speculation, but let's not hijack the initial purpose.... controlling, or transparency????


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

kindi said:


> You think his wife asked to see his FB and all his texts because SHE is the one cheating, because cheaters are conscious of how easy it is to cheat?
> 
> I don't follow the logic. If she's cheating why would she care what he's doing or who he's talking to?
> 
> Again, assuming the Op is a HE in the first place.


For cheating the gender doesn't have a great deal of relevance. But let's fill in the logical steps I left out.

1) The OP is very clearly guarded. I would wager that the OP's spouse is yelling at him right now for posting on here. Or at the very least the OP is fearful of that happenning.

2) Based on that, I suspect that the OP is feeling controlled by their spouse because the spouse demands to see Facebook and so forth.

3) I am assuming that the OP doesn't have anything to hide and thinks the request is unreasonable and therefore controlling.

4) A cheater will absolutely suspect their spouse of cheating, and it is not because the spouse is a cheater but because the cheater sees cheating as something easy to do.

5) Facebook is designed well for hooking up and controlling who does and doesn't access communications.

6) The cheater will accuse their spouse of what they are doing to deflect attention from the suspicion of their actions.


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Totally see your point on the speculation, but let's not hijack the initial purpose.... controlling, or transparency????


Bah, that's too easy. I'm in a hurry to get to the root of the problem. I need to start getting to bed earlier, I'm starting a new job Thursday.

Yep it's hugely speculative on my part. But there's underlying issues here.

I think it's obvious that transparency should happen.

I also think the OP has a legitimate concern about their spouse being controlling because the OP seems very guarded.

<I will add also that the OP has posted, as of my typing this, 3 posts. 2 of those are in this thread. The other is in Po's thread and the OP says they relate to what he (Po) is going through. IIRC you were involved in that thread too.>


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## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

WillK said:


> Ok, come out of your shell a little more. You've been gender neutral so far. Are you the husband or wife? It's not a secret, you're talking to people here that are both male and female.
> 
> It sounds like there is insecurity on the part of both you and your spouse. Time to start sorting that out. Your question is easy, let's get to the underlying issues here.
> 
> But first, are you the wife or husband. It matters.


I am the Wife.


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## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

So if I give in to his request, should I then go along with his suggestion that we combine our face book accounts to.....
SarahNJohn Watson
My Husband feels that its a nice thing after seeing a couple of our married friends combining their face book accounts in that way. He says that then people send messages knowing that either one of us may see it, that there would be no friends added that the other may take issue with, and people who see our face book will see how together we are. He says it would make sure that face book activity, could not interfere in our marriage/Family.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CanUpside said:


> I am the Wife.


Do you have his passwords?


Ask him to give you his and that you will be looking at this things as well. This transparency has to be a 2 way street.

Keep a file on a computer and backed up that has every account login page line, the user name and password. Either of you can access it at any time.


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## Dr. Rockstar (Mar 23, 2011)

I personally feel that a little privacy can be a good thing. If nothing else it fosters trust in both partners, whereas asking to prove themselves dissolves trust for every body.

Having said that, I'd have no problem handing over the passwords for her verification. Heck, we share a network, so sheccan see every thing on my computer anyway. But I'd probably change my passwords after that, because I wouldn't want her spying on me, regardless of how innocent I am


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm not saying here that he's controlling. But I am wondering if he is in other ways. If so give some examples.


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## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have his passwords?
> 
> 
> Ask him to give you his and that you will be looking at this things as well. This transparency has to be a 2 way street.
> ...


I know all his passwords and user/log in names.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CanUpside said:


> I know all his passwords and user/log in names.


So if you know all of his info, why are you reluctant to give him yours?


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

So I'm detecting a lot of self-doubt. These are questions that seem like they don't really require a lot of consultation to answer. Openness and honesty are important and of course you should share your Facebook with him. The combined Facebook is really up to you, I would suggest if you continue as seperate accounts then make sure your accounts show being married to eachother. I know it's a little less than obvious how to set that up.

I'm just going to sit back, if the OP wants to talk about their level of self-confidence then it's going to have to be them that tells us what the deal is I guess. Otherwise I'm under the impression she's more comfortable with the situation as is than she is with rocking the boat.


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## WanderingNomad (Aug 1, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> If your spouse came to you and said "I have noticed several things that make me think that there might be something fishy going on with you/us, and I think the answer might be found on your Facebook friends list, messages, and wall". "Can you log in and show me whats there?". Would you give in to your spouse's request? How about if your spouse said the same thing about texts, pics, and messages on your smart phone? Would you allow your spouse access?


I wouldn't have any issue with this. I don't have anything to hide and I purposely leave all my stuff unlocked so she can check anytime she wants to. She says she never does. I don't care if she did though.

Currently separated but talking as if I'm not, when I wasn't separated my stuff was open.

At one point in our relationship she has started locking her phone. During that time she had got the 7 year itch and my suspicions were right.

I feel when you are married there shouldn't be need to lock things from each other or not know each others passwords etc. Shouldn't be anything to hide, if there is they you got issues


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

Absolutely. If you aren't (and shouldn't be) doing anything wrong then what's the big deal.


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## still.trying (Jul 27, 2012)

Depends on a few things. If your spouse is the kind of person who is accusatory, makes a mountain out of a mole hill, makes you feel like you need to lie about silly things, than perhaps I would not. But if this is random abnormal behavior and you deny your spouse than it will confirm their suspicions. You need to find out what the suspicions are and why they came about and fix it. If showing them all your "personal" stuff fixs it than so be it. Do you have something to hide?


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## CanUpside (Aug 1, 2012)

UPDATE,

OK this is how I handled my Husband's request.... 
I deleted my Face book account. I showed my Husband all my pictured that are on my smart phone. I still will not show him my contacts and messages but admitted that I do text with a guy that he knows that I have hung out with alone and my Husband considers it a date. I text him and he texts me complaining about his job and asking for advice etc. about my best friend because he likes her. My Husband feels that no one of the same sex (other than family members) should be communicating alone with someones Spouse. And no Spouse should be communicating alone with someone of the opposite sex. My Husband feels that my friend that texts me for my advice, opinions, etc. should be asking a single woman of his male friends or get out of the Jr. High and Sr. High School and discuss things with the woman he likes. My Husband says that this is how affairs start. I told him that I have no feelings for my friend, I don't think hes good looking, and hes just a friend. His response was that is what everybody says. Then they say I did not intend to cheat. I only thought of him as a friend, I didn't even think he was good looking.

NOW WHAT?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> I still will not show him my contacts and messages but admitted that I do text with a guy that he knows that I have hung out with alone and my Husband considers it a date.


My opinion only.. 

You're completely out of line. If I was your husband I'd give you a choice between him and his requests to discontinue the friendship and show you the requested texts

or

Go have a great time with your male friend and help him with his issues and talk about whatever you want but please sign these divorce papers ASAP.

You're being more than a little inconsiderate/unreasonable in regard to this male friendship and what's probably worse is that you think your husband is the one who is being unreasonable.

I see stormy weather ahead for your marriage.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

I find it weird how many people do not "allow" their partners to have friends of the opposite sex. This kind of behavior is controlling. 

My partner already knows my logins, but would never use them, and would never request to. If he did, I would be taken aback and frankly hurt, but he could have at it if he wanted to. If he asked, I would instead ask him what he suspected, why, and what was making him feel like this. Sounds like there is something else going on here.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> UPDATE,
> 
> OK this is how I handled my Husband's request....
> I deleted my Face book account. I showed my Husband all my pictured that are on my smart phone. I still will not show him my contacts and messages but admitted that I do text with a guy that he knows that I have hung out with alone and my Husband considers it a date. I text him and he texts me complaining about his job and asking for advice etc. about my best friend because he likes her. My Husband feels that no one of the same sex (other than family members) should be communicating alone with someones Spouse. And no Spouse should be communicating alone with someone of the opposite sex. My Husband feels that my friend that texts me for my advice, opinions, etc. should be asking a single woman of his male friends or get out of the Jr. High and Sr. High School and discuss things with the woman he likes. My Husband says that this is how affairs start. I told him that I have no feelings for my friend, I don't think hes good looking, and hes just a friend. His response was that is what everybody says. Then they say I did not intend to cheat. I only thought of him as a friend, I didn't even think he was good looking.
> ...


I agree with your husband. I never considered my friends to be attractive... until I was talking to them all the time... and eventually confiding marital woes to them.... and then they supported my position. And they started looking good. And I texted more...I emailed more... See what I mean? Your husband is right that is how it starts. He isn't comfortable with the friendship.

The only time I ever have not given my husband full access to my phone, email, pics, etc is when I was involved in my EAs.

Now, we have friends who are opposite sex friends. The thing is, they are friends to the MARRIAGE, not to just him or me. I dropped my male friends who were detrimental to my relationship with my husband. If there was even the slightest potential that they would turn my head, or if he was uncomfortable with them, I ended the friendships. My marriage is MUCH more important to me than a friendship.... no matter how long we have known the friends.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

CanUpside said:


> If your spouse came to you and said "I have noticed several things that make me think that there might be something fishy going on with you/us, and I think the answer might be found on your Facebook friends list, messages, and wall". "Can you log in and show me whats there?". Would you give in to your spouse's request? How about if your spouse said the same thing about texts, pics, and messages on your smart phone? Would you allow your spouse access?
> 
> 
> UPDATE,
> ...


If you only texted that guy about work and your friend then why did you delete them instead of showing your husband. If that were the case then his fear would have been alleviated. Now he'll never know if you are telling the truth. You probably just made the problems worse.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Hopefull363 said:


> If you only texted that guy about work and your friend then why did you delete them instead of showing your husband. If that were the case then his fear would have been alleviated. Now he'll never know if you are telling the truth. You probably just made the problems worse.


EXACTLY

Its rather odd that she doesn't realize that hiding them and then deleting them is REALLY suspicious and even if she was innocent it's going to make hubby feel even worse about the situation.

Why make a person you supposedly love, feel BAD?

The way the Op has addressed this entire situation with the texting to the other guy and lack of consideration for her husband's fears, reeks of total selfishness and inconsideration and/or complete lack of respect and regard for her husband's fears, feelings, and concerns.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Post by CanUpside
> 
> UPDATE,
> 
> ...



Would you be alright if your husband did not let you see his texts to a girl that he hung out with alone?


*Your reasons for wanting to keep your communications with the guy that you hung out with alone seems to be more important than reassuring your husband that he comes first.*

IMO whatever your getting out of your communications with this other man is not as important as sacrificing your enjoyment with this man to please your husband. It does not seem like a huge sacrifice to me


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## WillK (May 16, 2012)

Once again, the husband is right and I smell a deeper problem being covered up by rationalization.

CanUpside-

This is the second time you've come here asking about an issue that's clear-cut that you want to know what to do and many here agree that your husband is asking you to do something and it's appropriate. Again I'm asking you to open up about the state of your marriage. 

You're giving us hints that something is wrong, but you're only talking about what you feel like talking about. All we can do in this state is play the role of a referee, I think people here would like to help but that can't start until you tell us more. I suspect if you did, there's got to be something you're not happy about from how your husband acts or something... Are you not attracted to your husband any more?


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

WillK said:


> CanUpside-
> 
> This is the second time you've come here asking about an issue that's clear-cut that you want to know what to do and many here agree that your husband is asking you to do something and it's appropriate. Again I'm asking you to open up about the state of your marriage.
> 
> You're giving us hints that something is wrong


Check her other thread that she posts "on behalf of her friend" which includes a letter from her husband practically begging to do away with the secrecy and stop "dating" these male friends.

She also fails to mention in this thread that:

- she and her husband have been fighting a lot
- they are "sort of going through a separation"
- she lives out of packed bags in their house
- her father is strongly advising that they separate
- they have participated in court ordered mediation


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Well, we're supposed to validate her and tell her that the husband is a big, controlling meanie, obviously.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Well, we're supposed to validate her and tell her that the husband is a big, controlling meanie, obviously.


Right.

I'm not going to be the one to tell her that.

I feel bad for the guy. He's spilling his guts, he's stated in writing that he'll do anything he can to save the marriage and make sacrifices as necessary and only asks her to do things that are reasonable. Including another point I didn't mention above, which is to please stop giving money to her "friends" since they don't even have enough for themselves.

Who is she giving all this money too?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

No, clearly this is a messed up, destructive situation. I feel bad for the husband as well.

I wish I could convince everyone ever that if you don't love your spouse/significant other/whatever to just let them go. OP, perhaps you should end your relationship with your husband so you won't be "controlled" and he won't be banging his head against the wall trying to get thru to you.


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