# Well, it's happening....fair split?



## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Found out he's still talking to the other woman so moving forward with the divorce he asked for. Currently discussing how to split stuff up but not planning to split finances or file until December, so we're in house separating (he's in the basement) to allow him time to find an apartment and me time to get some minor stuff around the house fixed up. He makes 50% more than I do, we have no children. I am getting our house in the divorce. It was my childhood home, and my mom sold it to us right after we got married 9 years ago for what she owed on it rather than what it was worth (1/3 of the value) as a gift to help us kick start our life. Otherwise we would have been living in an apartment for a while and the house we bought would not have had immediate equity outside of whatever the down payment was. Obviously that didn't work out as planned, so I offered STBX that I would take the house and refinance it into my name (which will put the mortgage into a range I can afford on my own) and keep the existing equity, and rather than give him cash out of it I would subtract his half of the equity from what he would owe me from his 401k. Everything else is a pretty even split (we keep our cars (his is 2014, mine 2008), I get the 10k savings account, he keeps his 8k year end bonus in December). Since he makes more than I do and we've been married over 10 years I heard I could ask for alimony but I don't want to.

He'll do it but he's upset he "won't have liquid cash to go buy a house" because he doesn't want to stay in an apartment. I see it as considering he makes more than me and can easily afford to save up a good down payment (like 30 to 40k) in 2 years, and considering the circumstances of how we got it and the fact that he asked for the divorce it's fair. Am I wrong? We want to do this without lawyers and I he says he'll do "whatever I want" but I also don't want to end up feeling guilty or like I took advantage of him. I have a consult today with a lawyer to find out how to go about the process and I offered for him to sit in and listen so he can hear if what I'm asking for is fair or not but he declined.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you are trading his half of the equity for him getting a larger portion of assets, I think you are being more than fair. You are not asking for alimony even though you could. You not asking for alimony is a chip you can hold incase he decides to get nasty in the divorce.

Why are you waiting until December to file? A lot can happen in a 6 months.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I think it is really foolish to talk about financial agreements without legal binding


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

I don't think its foolish... My negotiations went fine until a lawyer got involved. 
Same outcome, $3000 poorer.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Since you are trading his half of the equity for him getting a larger portion of assets, I think you are being more than fair. You are not asking for alimony even though you could. You not asking for alimony is a chip you can hold incase he decides to get nasty in the divorce.
> 
> Why are you waiting until December to file? A lot can happen in a 6 months.


I'm filing 12/1, so it's 4 months. That's assuming things go ok....we're going to re-evaluate in early Sept. He's not in a rush to leave the house and since he makes more than me, his income is helpful in getting stuff done (we need a new water heater, the driveway needs to be fixed, shower needs to be resealed, etc). He has agreed to helping pay for those things in exchange for more time to find an apartment and put away some cash for moving expenses. If it's too difficult to have him here he will move out as soon as possible.


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> I think it is really foolish to talk about financial agreements without legal representation.


I mean....if we are both ok with the overall split why is it a bad idea? I don't want to have to spend thousands of dollars to end up right where we'd be anyways with the division or stuff.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My concern would be that suddenly right at the end he changed his mind. You need some kind of “binded agreement”. Not necessarily a lawyer on retainer but a form of binding him


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## Skyrim1985 (Jul 18, 2020)

Mr.Married said:


> My concern would be that suddenly right at the end he changed his mind. You need some kind of “binded agreement”. Not necessarily a lawyer on retainer but a form of binding him


Ah, got it. Yes, that's a good point. I'll ask the lawyer today if there is something I can do to get that drawn up and formalized.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Skyrim1985, 

From the point of view of being fair and not feeling guilty, write out each and every asset and make two columns: your side and his side. The idea is that at the end, your side is roughly the same as his side. It doesn't have to be "sell everything and divide each one by half." It can be that you get get asset A valued at $X and he can get asset B also valued at $X. So if you get the house equity and he gets that same value in his 401k, that is actually appropriate. 

So just list the assets. Your side...His side. Do they roughly equal? Then you can write that up and have a family law attorney look over the proposed divorce filing, and the attorney can indicate "this will work...and this won't." It sounds like you two are roughly being fair-ish...so I'd encourage you to attempt to be cooperative.


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