# My husband is upset I kissed a girl before we met



## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

alright, 
So I have a really close friend of mine. She's a girl and we've been friends for 7 years. 
The within the first two weeks we knew each other (we were 13 y/o at the time) we shared a kiss. But we quickly regretted it and decided it was silly and never did it again. 
We forgot about the whole incident and 
We became super best friends. 

3 years later I met my now husband. (I was 16) 

We married almost 2 months ago (I'm 20 and he's 22) 

And yesterday my friend decided it would be funny to make a joke about what happened 7 years ago. I had completely forgotten about it! Anyways, my husband found out and now he is very upset. This morning he didn't even want me to walk him out on his way to work and he didn't even kiss me goodbye. When I ask him to talk about it he's just like "everything is fine. I'm fine." But I know he's lying. 

What do I do???? What do I say?? I texted him today telling him I was really sorry while he was at work. Of course I plan to discuss it with him again once he gets back... But he's like really hard to talk to sometimes. He just blows me off and stays mad until he gets over it. I feel like without communication our marriage won't last long so i NEED him to talk to me about what's going on in his head...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Let him be mad until he gets over it


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How ridiculous and immature of him. I agree, don't bring it up again. Let him get over it. You were a CHILD when this happened. Hell, you both still are!


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

eidrib said:


> alright,
> So I have a really close friend of mine. She's a girl and we've been friends for 7 years.
> The within the first two weeks we knew each other (we were 13 y/o at the time) we shared a kiss. But we quickly regretted it and decided it was silly and never did it again.
> We forgot about the whole incident and
> ...



If you knew your hubby might be a bit sensitive, you shouldn't of told him you kissed a girl and I liked it.....:grin2:

Seriously, he might now think you are bi sexual and worried and mad you could meet another woman.

If he's a cool dude, what happened 7 years ago was 7 years ago.

But being super best friends with her still, I can see why he might be upset.

The fact that you still remember this 7 years ago, might mean something. If it didn't mean anything at all, why tell him?


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## Idun (Jul 30, 2011)

I wouldn't make a big a deal of it. Sometimes when my H is annoyed about something and he knows he's overreacting, he'll tell me he just needs space to 'get over it'. And he does. 

It's ridiculous for him to get super annoyed about it, but sometimes the imagination runs away with things and maybe he knows it's silly to be annoyed but can't help how he feels at this moment. I would text him and say you love him and can't wait for him to come home etc. Pretend like nothing happened, and if he's still sulking tonight - act surprised - "oh you're not still upset about X friend are you?? I was just a curious teenager, tried it once and didn't like it. I had completely forgotten about it."

I would then leave the topic and never bring it up. If he wants to talk or ask questions he will. But don't probe or dwell on it.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Really not a big deal. It's not like the boy who took your virginity hanging around.

I agree with you about communication.

Would you be up.for marriage books?

He obviously has trouble dealing with and communicating his feelings.

I would think it is funny.

Mrs. Conan had a similar experience at a similar age.

It didn't mean anything to a couple of kids.

I would not have cared if she did it as a woman as long as it was before me and she was totally committed to me, which she is, so no problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

eidrib said:


> What do I do???? What do I say?? I texted him today telling him I was really sorry


I don't understand. What did you apologize for? What were you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything to him at all. 

You were 13 year old girls who kissed one time, and that was it. So what? What is there to be upset about, much less for him to be upset about?

His reaction in getting so upset was immature and ridiculous. His way of expressing that he's upset - silent treatment and withdrawal - doesn't bode well for your relationship. You are right about that, for sure. 

How do you get a 22 year old guy to start talking to you when he's mad? Don't. Let him cool off, let him think about it, and then bring it up later. But don't apologize. Stop trying to appease him or explain anything. That will make him wallow in his anger a bit longer, because you're showing him that you believe you did something to hurt him.

You have nothing to be sorry about. You didn't do anything to hurt him; he's choosing to be hurt by this, and he needs to explain why.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I remember when I was a kid,, maybe 11 or 12. My male friend a neighbor kid talked me into doodling around with a pencil on our male parts out of curiousity and cause he said 'it feels good'. I didnt know what I was doing but I just went along. I didnt even know what sex was.

never had the slightest inclination to do something like that with another male since.

never bothered me, and it still doesnt. He just needs to get over it that's all

innocent adolecsent curiousity


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## warshaw (Jul 31, 2015)

If he wasnt upset about this it would have been something else.

And it will be, you can bet on it. 

Prepare for lots of silent treatment and being blamed for things for the duration of what is likely to be a very short marriage.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

warshaw said:


> If he wasnt upset about this it would have been something else.
> 
> And it will be, you can bet on it.
> 
> Prepare for lots of silent treatment and being blamed for things for the duration of what is likely to be a very short marriage.


mmm, I'm not so quick to make the guy a villain.

When I was 24 and married had my exW told me the same thing I probably would have been concerned my wife swung both ways...

If the same thing happened at 44, absent any other alarms bells I'd just laugh as it being a part of adolescence.

OP, my advice is TALK about it. Don't ignore it and make it clear it was not a romantic kiss, etc.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

hi eidrib 

Some of the comments are made by people who did not read your post. 

Your ages, have either of you ever dated others?

Some people need a little space to cool down. Is he abusive or just shut down? If he is just shut down for a bit that's fine. It is him not wanting to say or do something stupid. Just do little things, a quick hug and give him time


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Perhaps ask him if there is anything in his adolescence that he would rather forget. Children do things as they experiment with life, it is natural and this one is benign. He needs to accept it, forget it and be concerned with more pertinent issues.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

Give him some space. I can imagine if I heard this about my wife I'd also be a little perturbed, especially if that women is still in your life. Our minds wander to some dark places. In a couple of days you can communicate with him what it was (which was nothing) and hopefully both of you can move on. If not, then come back later and ask again, but for now just give him some space.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm sorry but that is NUTS! He is worried that when you were a kid you kissed another girl? Really??? 

I don't think he should worry if you kiss another girl when you were grown up, as long as it wasn't while you were seeing him - but as a child? 

Is he incredibly jealous and controlling in other ways?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wild ass guess here....if you and your husband were 16 and 18 when you first got together is it possible you were both virgins? Maybe he has been under the belief that you and he shared those "first time" experiences together and now he finds out he wasn't the first to kiss you.

Unless you swore to him that he was the first person you ever kissed his anger is more about insecurity than jealousy, he feels he lost something that you two had shared. If you swore he was the "first and only" and now he finds out differently maybe he's upset feeling you lied and wonders what else he is going to find out. Maybe because she is still your best friend he is afraid it is going to happen again or is still happening.

This is something that should be easily talked thru, you were a kid experimenting, most of us did it but would never admit it! lol Ask him what about this makes him so upset, if he plays the "it's fine" game and continues pouting then this is just the beginning of your problems, you are married to a man acting like a child.


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

CuddleBug said:


> If you knew your hubby might be a bit sensitive, you shouldn't of told him you kissed a girl and I liked it.....:grin2:
> 
> Seriously, he might now think you are bi sexual and worried and mad you could meet another woman.
> 
> ...




I DIDNT tell him though... And I HAD forgotten all about it... It actually just happened to come up in a conversation we were having with my friend, and she was like "I kissed your wife when we were kids dude'!"
She didn't say it to cause any problems on purpose and I'm pretty sure she just assumed I had already told him.. But yeah... I hadn't. Not because I was trying to hide it from him.. But because I just really HAD forgotten all about it..


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

JohnA said:


> hi eidrib
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Well, he can be both. Whenever anything bothers him or he becomes annoyed at me, he'll start off by ignoring me. And then When he DOES speak to me, it'll be in a really rude way. Or he'll make little insinuations. For example: Like, if I even leave the house while we're in the middle of an argument he'll say something like "great, dude. Have fun" but in a weird rude/sarcastic tone. Or I'll ask him something and he'll say something like "i don't know.. Do whatever you want" 

And then when I confront his negative attitude, he'll be like "I'm not even saying/doing anything what are you talking about.... GREAT so now YOURE mad at ME"

He's not the greatest at communicating 

And yes we have dated others before we met each other


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> I'm sorry but that is NUTS! He is worried that when you were a kid you kissed another girl? Really???
> 
> ...



Well, when we were younger he was constantly unfaithful to me. Yet, he always seemed to mistrust me around male friends and what not. Like he was always paranoid that someone was going to even SHOW any affection towards me. I heard that people who cheat are the most suspicious about their partner cheating because they know how easy it. 

He would also ask me not to wear shorts or short skirts or dresses and would become upset when I did. 

After some time after ii found out he was constantly unfaithful, we took a small break and when we got back together he really turned his whole attitude around and stopped Being like that... It wasn't until we got married that the whole attitude problem started to come up again


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

There is an old saying that men who look behind curtains have probably hidden there themselves.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

eidrib said:


> Well, when we were younger he was constantly unfaithful to me. Yet, he always seemed to mistrust me around male friends and what not. Like he was always paranoid that someone was going to even SHOW any affection towards me. I heard that people who cheat are the most suspicious about their partner cheating because they know how easy it.
> 
> He would also ask me not to wear shorts or short skirts or dresses and would become upset when I did.
> 
> After some time after ii found out he was constantly unfaithful, we took a small break and when we got back together he really turned his whole attitude around and stopped Being like that... It wasn't until we got married that the whole attitude problem started to come up again



Sounds like the honeymoon phase wore off again and he reverted to his base personality. If he never received real actual help, odds are, you married the same man that you broke-up with long ago. Of course there may be sleight changes, but with highly dysfunctional people, you do not see much of a shift from adolescence to adult in terms of emotional and mental maturity.

The girl you kissed as a child represents a threat. He gives it agency or power to make it real to him. So he tries controlling you in order for him to feel secure no matter how irrational. He has strong jealousy issues and it does not seem as it has abated from the past. In order for him to feel secure and safe, he will control his environment and those around him instead of himself first. Odds are, it could possibly get worse.

So why is the kiss a threat? He makes the scenario plausible inside his head. To him, you leaving for the other girl is real.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Eidrib,

The fact that your friend remembers this may indicate to your H that this friend has harbored a attraction for you for years and is a rival to your H for your love.

That this friend has remained in your life may be another issue, your H may view this as keeping other options open.

There is also the point that ANY sex between two people, and kissing on the lips is sex, changes that relationship permanently. You yourself did not forget this incident entirely either.

My W once mentioned that she kissed a girl, but never said who, likely knowing she would have to give up the friendship.

Tamat


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My annoyance would be that I didn't get to witness said kiss.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, thanks for your answers.

Often the expression has little to do with the what. So in your case I wonder if there is not something else lurking. Something that has nothing to do with you.

How is his job situation? Two broad observations: both genders have insecurities about satisfying their partner sexuality. Both genders also have insecurities about being an idea mate in their partner's mind. In men often it takes the form of economic ability, in women body issues. 

My point is this was the case, a insecure job leads to a fear of losing a mate. The kiss with a another guy or girl, past or present, becomes a threat.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Eidrib,

Did your H ask you to go no contact with the friend.

There was also a bit of an affront to your Hs dignity if your friend was like "dude I kissed your W".

Tamat


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

eidrib said:


> *Well, when we were younger he was constantly unfaithful to me. *Yet, he always seemed to mistrust me around male friends and what not. Like he was always paranoid that someone was going to even SHOW any affection towards me. I heard that people who cheat are the most suspicious about their partner cheating because they know how easy it.
> 
> He would also ask me not to wear shorts or short skirts or dresses and would become upset when I did.
> 
> *After some time after ii found out he was constantly unfaithful,* we took a small break and when we got back together he really turned his whole attitude around and stopped Being like that... It wasn't until we got married that the whole attitude problem started to come up again


That's the source of his problem. He's angry at you because he thinks everyone is like him - willing to cheat - and he can't control you (even the 13 year old you). That makes him feel insecure.


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Sounds like the honeymoon phase wore off again and he reverted to his base personality. If he never received real actual help, odds are, you married the same man that you broke-up with long ago. Of course there may be sleight changes, but with highly dysfunctional people, you do not see much of a shift from adolescence to adult in terms of emotional and mental maturity.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This is honestly one of my greatest fears..... That things will go back to how they were. 

When we broke up, we took a 8month long break period. Because I told him I could no longer continue to put myself in situations where I constantly felt like I was being blamed for all our problems. During our whole relationship I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I weighed around 85 lbs (I'm 5'4 so my bmi was around 16.0-.5) 
So my mental state was very weak and I felt like being in a toxic relationship was affecting my disorder as well. 
So during those 8months I moved to San Diego and I finally was put into inpatient and had some of my weight restored along with therapy. Once I got out, I was given back my phone and saw I had severely messages from him. I contacted him back and told him about what I'd been trough. He seemed so understanding. We dated long distance for 2 months and then he said he needed to see me. I traveled to him and he said he never wanted to loose me again and proposed we got married (he knows I would never be allowed to move in with a guy unless we were married as he knows my parents are extremely Hispanic Catholic which throws feminism out the window ) 
A month later I moved back with him. We've been married two months now and it seems like slowly he's picking up old habits again. The jealousy thing being the main one... My biggest fear is that I was blinded by love and tricked into seeing a change that was never really there.


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Eidrib,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Yes, true I did not forget ENTIRELY. Because I obviously remembered, once it came up. But how could I? I kissed a girl. I guess to me it was like a secret I buried so deep inside me, I misplaced It for a long time. 
My friend is pansexual and dates all genders. So I can also understand why my husband might be concerned. But what I wonder is, I already married HIM. Like.... He already had my unconditional love. I've made so many sacrifices for him. Including even leaving my whole life behind to be with him. I think that's a really big sacrifice, considering I'm only 20. 
I don't see the need for such absurd insecurities.


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi, thanks for your answers.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Hmm. I see where your going but he doesn't like to talk to me about his money problems, I usually have to beat it out of him. I tell him we are married now, so his problems are now mine too. We both work and we break everything down 50/50 
Except I pay for a lot more stuff then he does, but I'm understanding. He works at the airport where he makes a decent enough wage. On his days off and some afternoons, he works at a tattoo shop where he is an apprentice/intern. He's been working his whole life to earn that. So I know work-wise he's doing alright...
If anything is going wrong for him, it'll be a while before I hear about it


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Eidrib,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



He hasn't said directly that he wants me to stop talking to her but he has insinuated it and when I ask him he's like "do whatever you want. You do whatever you want anyway. Why does it matter what I have to say. 

He can't even communicate efficiently enough with me to tell me what he wants so we can try to talk about if and find a solution.

And yeah that was pretty weird of my friend to bring up. I didn't confront her about it because I'm sure she assumed he already knew and meant no harm. She was just drunk and trying to be funny,


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

eidrib said:


> This is honestly one of my greatest fears..... That things will go back to how they were.
> 
> When we broke up, we took a 8month long break period. Because I told him I could no longer continue to put myself in situations where I constantly felt like I was being blamed for all our problems. During our whole relationship I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I weighed around 85 lbs (I'm 5'4 so my bmi was around 16.0-.5)
> So my mental state was very weak and I felt like being in a toxic relationship was affecting my disorder as well.
> ...



If you look at it objectively, you have the same man with the same insecurities.

So now he punishes you for his own irrational behavior. Honestly, he needs to work on this and giving in to him will only reaffirm that he can behave irrationally and you will give in. For someone who cheated on you, you should be the one with trust issues since you have data to show his poor behavior towards you.

The good him you got was just a temporary thing. When we are courting(looking for mates), we behave better. The aim is to land a mate.

Until he is ready to work on it together, detach. You have reinforced the idea that he can simply make demands of you no matter how irrational and you will fold.

If his issues are not resolved, it will be just another and another and another. You get the picture. Soothing him and giving in will not accomplish anything. It will not force him to grow as a person as long as someone allows him to get away with that type of behavior.

So, you are now punished for his jealous nature. He punsihes you to stay in control, and to preemptively attack you before any suspicions because his irrational fears suffice enough to treat you poorly. You are being punished for his imagination. He sees you leave with another woman inside his head, he punishes and controls you. He sees inside his head that you showing a little leg and another guy will take you away, so he punishes and controls you.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

SecondTime'Round said:


> How ridiculous and immature of him. I agree, don't bring it up again. Let him get over it. You were a CHILD when this happened. Hell, you both still are!


and he is proving it!


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

norajane said:


> I don't understand. What did you apologize for? What were you sorry for? You didn't do anything wrong and you didn't do anything to him at all.
> 
> You were 13 year old girls who kissed one time, and that was it. So what? What is there to be upset about, much less for him to be upset about?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You need to stop apologizing to him. You did nothing wrong and he needs to stop behaving like a baby. He doesn't get to even ask for apologies for something you did when you were 13.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

eidrib said:


> I DIDNT tell him though... And I HAD forgotten all about it... It actually just happened to come up in a conversation we were having with my friend, and she was like "I kissed your wife when we were kids dude'!"
> She didn't say it to cause any problems on purpose and I'm pretty sure she just assumed I had already told him.. But yeah... I hadn't. Not because I was trying to hide it from him.. But because I just really HAD forgotten all about it..


Why would you have told him? You were 13.

Don't let him persuade you that you need to ditch your friend either.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

eidrib said:


> Well, he can be both. Whenever anything bothers him or he becomes annoyed at me, he'll start off by ignoring me. And then When he DOES speak to me, it'll be in a really rude way. Or he'll make little insinuations. For example: Like, if I even leave the house while we're in the middle of an argument he'll say something like "great, dude. Have fun" but in a weird rude/sarcastic tone. Or I'll ask him something and he'll say something like "i don't know.. Do whatever you want"
> 
> And then when I confront his negative attitude, he'll be like "I'm not even saying/doing anything what are you talking about.... GREAT so now YOURE mad at ME"
> 
> ...


He needs to put this behavior to rest immediately. You are on your way to an emotionally abusive relationship here, if it's not already.

Ignoring you and silent treatment are bad enough but then he's turning his moods around as being your fault and that's abusive.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

eidrib said:


> This is honestly one of my greatest fears..... That things will go back to how they were.


It appears that they already have.



> When we broke up, we took a 8month long break period. Because I told him I could no longer continue to put myself in situations where I constantly felt like I was being blamed for all our problems. During our whole relationship I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I weighed around 85 lbs (I'm 5'4 so my bmi was around 16.0-.5)
> So my mental state was very weak and I felt like being in a toxic relationship was affecting my disorder as well.
> So during those 8months I moved to San Diego and I finally was put into inpatient and had some of my weight restored along with therapy. Once I got out, I was given back my phone and saw I had severely messages from him. I contacted him back and told him about what I'd been trough. He seemed so understanding. We dated long distance for 2 months and then he said he needed to see me. I traveled to him and he said he never wanted to loose me again and proposed we got married (he knows I would never be allowed to move in with a guy unless we were married as he knows my parents are extremely Hispanic Catholic which throws feminism out the window )
> A month later I moved back with him. We've been married two months now and it seems like slowly he's picking up old habits again. The jealousy thing being the main one... My biggest fear is that I was blinded by love and tricked into seeing a change that was never really there.


Slowly? in the 1st two months of marriage isn't slowly.

I think you need to lay it on the line for him. This is exactly the reason that you left him before and now he is doing it again. He goes and gets serious help for this or you leave permanently ..... and you have to mean it.

He tricked you once and hid his real self but you can't get fooled again. 

Keep your faith in yourself, don't let him convince you that you are wrong and whatever you do don't get pregnant!!


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Eidrib,

Has this girl ever made a pass at you since that incident, if so she needs to be gone from your marriage.

Tamat


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> Eidrib,
> 
> Has this girl ever made a pass at you since that incident, if so she needs to be gone from your marriage.
> 
> Tamat


For ****s sake they were 13 year old kids wondering what a kiss was like. She clearly said that nothing else had happened since.

She does NOT need to ditch her long time friend because she married an immature child.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

So, we know your BF didn't like it...
but a few questions remain. 

Did you like it?
Did you like the taste of her cherry Chapstick?
Just to try it..yes, that's confirmed
BF didn't like it... We know that 
Did it feel wrong? Or right?

Lol. 

Anyways, in all seriousness, it sounds like YOU married a 14 yr old girl, the kinda that you will find in the male ego thread started by @SimplyAmorous


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> If you look at it objectively, you have the same man with the same insecurities.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Last night, I called him to tell him I was going out with some girl friends while he was at work,l. I told him I would TRY to get home before he got off. Well, the girl who offered to be designated driver decided not to follow through and got too drunk to drive. So, we stayed longer until she was sober enough to drive or we could figure out any way to get home. I told my husband this and he never replied. When I got home 2 hours later than I had said I would, he yelled at me so bad! He said I didn't give a **** about him and that he lost sleep because he waited up for me. 

He treated me like I was out being promiscuous or something! He knew where I was! Not only because I told him but because he checks my location through our iPhones all the time. He had never yelled at me like he did last night. Eventually, I told him he needed to relax and speak to me like an adult. Once he realized he was being unreasonable, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that he was going to leave. I took his keys and said I wouldn't give them back until I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that we were no longer children and that I failed to see the supposed change he claimed when he proposed to me. He blew me off and told me I was being unreasonable and mean. He continued to yell so I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and went into the bathroom to change but I was sitting there crying and thinking about how I couldn't believe he was acting so immature eventually he knocked on the door and apologized for being so rude to me he said it was because he was worried but in reality I think it's because he didn't want me to go out in the first place


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> It appears that they already have.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Over my dead body will I get pregnant! We're still too young.


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

TAMAT said:


> Eidrib,
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Of course not it was a one time thing and we never spoke of it again up until recently she has her own partner


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

JukeboxHero said:


> So, we know your BF didn't like it...
> 
> but a few questions remain.
> 
> ...



It seems like that song is the number one joke in this thread lol 

Anyways obviously not or else I'll be married to her and not him


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

WonkyNinja said:


> For ****s sake they were 13 year old kids wondering what a kiss was like. She clearly said that nothing else had happened since.
> 
> She does NOT need to ditch her long time friend because she married an immature child.


Not to mention, he is the one who is the cheater in this relationship, multiple cheater, multiple times, multiple women. If she dumps her friends because he is being irrational about this, who will support her if/when he cheats again, which HE is far more likely to do than she is?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I would not be at all comfortable with this level of monitoring. Do you constantly monitor his location with the iphone?

If your designated driver got drunk, did you call your husband to pick you up?




eidrib said:


> snip
> He knew where I was! Not only because I told him but because he checks my location through our iPhones all the time.
> snip


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

eidrib said:


> This is honestly one of my greatest fears..... That things will go back to how they were.
> 
> When we broke up, we took a 8month long break period. Because I told him I could no longer continue to put myself in situations where I constantly felt like I was being blamed for all our problems. During our whole relationship I was at the peak of my eating disorder. I weighed around 85 lbs (I'm 5'4 so my bmi was around 16.0-.5)
> So my mental state was very weak and I felt like being in a toxic relationship was affecting my disorder as well.
> ...


Do you recognize anything in this link?
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/friendship-20/201506/20-signs-your-partner-is-controlling


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## eidrib (Oct 11, 2015)

richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> 
> I would not be at all comfortable with this level of monitoring. Do you constantly monitor his location with the iphone?
> 
> ...



No. Not at all. I've never felt the need to, really. I think it's silly. 

And no I did not. Because he worked early and I knew if I called him to come pick me up he would have been upset for me waking him up and making him pick my up! It would have been a whole thing about how ****ty of me it is for not letting him rest (he works just about every day) So either way he would have been upset. He even admitted it when I got home and talked to him about it. So I asked, "then what do you want from me? You would've complained for calling to get picked up (he has in the past) and I couldn't make my friend drive me home drunk. What was I supposed to do?" 

He ended up saying he didn't know...


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

eidrib said:


> Last night, I called him to tell him I was going out with some girl friends while he was at work,l. I told him I would TRY to get home before he got off. Well, the girl who offered to be designated driver decided not to follow through and got too drunk to drive. So, we stayed longer until she was sober enough to drive or we could figure out any way to get home. I told my husband this and he never replied. When I got home 2 hours later than I had said I would, he yelled at me so bad! He said I didn't give a **** about him and that he lost sleep because he waited up for me.
> 
> He treated me like I was out being promiscuous or something! He knew where I was! Not only because I told him but because he checks my location through our iPhones all the time. He had never yelled at me like he did last night. Eventually, I told him he needed to relax and speak to me like an adult. Once he realized he was being unreasonable, he said he didn't want to talk to me anymore and that he was going to leave. I took his keys and said I wouldn't give them back until I gave him a piece of my mind. I told him that we were no longer children and that I failed to see the supposed change he claimed when he proposed to me. He blew me off and told me I was being unreasonable and mean. He continued to yell so I told him I didn't want to talk to him anymore and went into the bathroom to change but I was sitting there crying and thinking about how I couldn't believe he was acting so immature eventually he knocked on the door and apologized for being so rude to me he said it was because he was worried but in reality I think it's because he didn't want me to go out in the first place



I think you should see an independent counseling to learn and control in how you respond to him.

When he attacks you, you go on the defensive. What he wants is for you to give in when he bombards you like that. When you defend yourself, you are not behaving the way he wants you to behave. His silent treatment, his soothing you with apologies that solve nothing, it is ways of manipulating you to shift focus away from him.

He has not promised you nor taken the actions to improve himself. That is what some insecure people do, they do not change so they try changing everything else around them. Eventually he wants you to change where you lose your identity and become intertwine with him .

My suggestion is that you learn to disengage when he starts escalating, detach and keep working on yourself. In order to have stability in your life, it may come down to when you have build up the strength or detach enough where you are protecting yourself that your bond to him weakens in order to maintain a healthier distance from the source of your pain, before change may occur. If not, you will be on the verge of leaving. Doing it the healthy way makes you less vulnerable.

Detaching while maintaining healthy boundaries will make you less susceptible to things like affairs.

Your goal is hopefully to find a fulfilling life instead of just living. With your marriage the way it is, that aspect of your life is not that great. The only way to affect change is to change the circumstances and even then it is not guaranteed and you cannot martyr your life for him. In doing so, you neglect yourself and that in turn may have dire consequences on your children.

Here is an example from my own life. My father was an abusive alcoholic. Due to my mom's inability to leave, he abused and lower my self worth where I attempted suicide. She places the marriage and what she perceives what she was doing is the best for him. She sacrificed her own well-being and her children's for what she thought my father needed. We suffered needlessly.

You may have an instinctual need to nurture and protect him when you are not angry, but that will not do him any good. He is damaged, and your efforts go into a black hole. You can keep placating like you always have and yet accomplish nothing. So you dress the way he wanted, he is still jealous. He has kept tracks of your whereabouts, he is still jealous. The evidence does not lie. What you have done so far has not change his behavior, rather you have been the one changing to suit his irrational behavior.


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

I remember lots of things from when I was 13, including people I kissed, and a lot of other completely inconsequential stuff. I can't believe people are entertaining this as an issue worth discussing. Your husband needs to be able to drop this, STAT. If he cannot, I'm going on record that you two - who are already up against a brick wall with how young and inexperienced you were when you got married - have zero chance of survival. Sorry to be so blunt.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I think you should see an independent counseling to learn and control in how you respond to him.
> 
> When he attacks you, you go on the defensive. What he wants is for you to give in when he bombards you like that. When you defend yourself, you are not behaving the way he wants you to behave. His silent treatment, his soothing you with apologies that solve nothing, it is ways of manipulating you to shift focus away from him.
> 
> ...


I have to disagree. 

It is not up to her to learn how to respond correctly to his immature, moody and abusive behavior. It is up to him to learn how to behave in a civil manner to the person who is supposed to be his partner not his, metaphorical, punching bag. If he can't see this in himself, or he can but won't get help, then she needs to make the decision to leave, and stick to it.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

WonkyNinja said:


> I have to disagree.
> 
> It is not up to her to learn how to respond correctly to his immature, moody and abusive behavior. It is up to him to learn how to behave in a civil manner to the person who is supposed to be his partner not his, metaphorical, punching bag. If he can't see this in himself, or he can but won't get help, then she needs to make the decision to leave, and stick to it.



I think you missed my point, she has to have boundaries. She has been placating him when he behaves irrationally. I previously posted for her to detach. In fact, she may have to leave him because there is no guarantee that he will change.

Whether her marriage fails or not, learning to keep proper boundaries wil help in any relationship.

Hypothetically, if she continues to behave in the manner where she gives into his irrational demands, that does not help him or her at all.

But, someone who is damage as he is will probably take years to even become healthy, and he has to admit that he has problems and needs help.

So when I was referring to her behavior, it is the one where she does what she is told by him. That is when I stated that her giving in to him about the way she dresses, how he keeps tabs on her, and the rest of the BS she puts up with, that behavior needs to change.


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