# Bomb



## Code (Jan 30, 2011)

8 days ago my conception of my relationship with my wife was destroyed. She stated that she has fallen out of love with me. We have been married for 15 years with many trials a death of son being the hardest. She has made up her mind that the relationship is over. She has never told me she was sexually abused till the "bomb" she states that a brother did things to her, " I was the Knight in Shinning Armor and took her away from her troubles, and she would do anything to keep me. About 3 years into marriage she started to deny me sex, I would be frustrated I would tickle her.. then I would tickle her to the point she would cry. About 5-6 months of this, I understood what I was doing and stopped. She states that the abuse of her childhood and my abuse shortly after makes her not be able to have the smallest inclination of having sex with me ever again. She says she loves me, and says its not fair to me. She says she will talk to a therapist but in her heart she knows its over. After the death of our son she was very hard to comfort I failed I pushed myself away from her, I started CPU gaming and zoned out. The gaming became an escape and an addiction. She is holding a lot of anger that I did not comfort after our sons death and that I neglected her after. It took the "bomb" to grasp the reality of my problems. I have hence took actions to stop the addictions, the desire for the addiction is gone. Im not sure what I hope to accomplish in this post, Im praying for hope. I have loved my wife unconditionally our entire marriage, we have grown together had so many great experiences. I just want her to want to get better. She is angry and hurt, and I don't blame her. We have talked cry'd for 7 days, no sleep and that terrible hole in my stomach. She is digging up every little detail and wrongs that I have done, most which I was not aware I was doing. Most likely before our sons death she started to be mean, sharp, unappreciative of things I do to make her happy. I had to do multiple things to get her to give me affection. I accepted it, I knew every marriage has it problems. The question can a psychologist fix this ?


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ok. Fact is, as you know it, you guys have issues. There are multiple issues facing you and your wife. This will require a lot of therapy specifically individually to deal with the anger/hurt. However, you have an additional issue in sexual abuse. Is it possible that you guys could come out of this? Yes. It is going to be very hard and take everything you have. It will be a long process because you did not get to this point overnight. Get to counseling as soon as possible. Start looking for ways to become a happier, better you. Maybe, just maybe all will work out. Trust me, though, the anger/resentment road SUCKS. It will test you. The next couple of months you will be lonely. Good luck.

And, YES, find out if she is cheating. Keylogger, cell records, etc. That changes everything.


----------



## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

hi===

first off sorry this had been a hard time for the both of you. i think you should go to counceling for the sexual abuse..one to deal with it and one to deal with dealing with it.

you and she need to sit down and have a long hard talk. let it all out. no yelling no getting mad on finger pointing. get things out in the open. make a plan to deal with every past grivence, and settle every past resentment.

this is no quick fix. it will take time to hash it all out. make time to work out things. once "A" is worked out, grow and learn from it. change thinking and behivors, then make rules for argueing.

like no calling out stuff that happened last year. or a month ago. the hard part is remaining calm during talking. you always want to defend you actions, but you are both to blame since you both are in this marriage.

its hard to hear how your loved one sees you through their eyes. if you both want to work out the marriage, then this is a good start.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She was sexually abused.

Sexually abused women CHEAT. 

Why? Because they are taught as children that they are worthless, and if anyone treats them decently, they are not deserving of it, and have to sabotage it.

She is cheating. I guarantee it.

Snoop. Install a keylogger on her computer. Check her phone records for one number she calls a LOT. 

Then let us know what you find.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> She was sexually abused.
> 
> *Sexually abused women CHEAT.*
> 
> ...


That is pretty much one of the most insulting thing I have ever heard in my life. My sister was sexually abused and she is the most loyal woman I know. I have also known other women who have been abused this way and have never cheated.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way I wrote it. What I meant that abused women have a lot of baggage to overcome, and have a high propensity for self-destructive acts, if they don't get a handle on it. Just like men who are physically abused have a higher chance of abusing their own kids if they don't take care of the issue. 

sailorgirl, obviously the people you know have done so. I, however, know a lot of women who haven't and have led some very sad lives.

I still believe Code's wife is cheating.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> You're right. I'm sorry. I didn't mean it the way I wrote it. What I meant that abused women have a lot of baggage to overcome, and have a high propensity for self-destructive acts, if they don't get a handle on it. Just like men who are physically abused have a higher chance of abusing their own kids if they don't take care of the issue.
> 
> sailorgirl, obviously the people you know have done so. I, however, know a lot of women who haven't and have led some very sad lives.
> 
> I still believe Code's wife is cheating.


I just do not see any evidence of this man's wife cheating on him. I think the behavior he mentioned in the post is behavior most hurt spouses go through. Not all hurt spouses, even one's who have been abused are going to cheat. Yes, many are self-destructive, but not all of them self-destruct through cheating. 

I would be very hesitant to make the claim of someone cheating--esp. someone I don't even know the first name of. To me, accusing someone of cheating is almost like accusing someone of murder. I have to be very certain of it. I would not even want to put the idea of her cheating into this man's head unless I was petty darn sure about it. If he was to accuse his wife of cheating and she really was not, it would only make things worse between them.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, the way I've learned is that, if there IS cheating - and nowadays statistics are showing over 50% of people are, in some form - you have to address the cheating first, because they will be getting their needs met by another person, and it will be impossible for them to connect to you again with a third person in the mix. So learning the truth is paramount.

Then, if you do determine there is no other man, you can focus on what you should be doing anyway - improving your marriage so she wants to stay with you. If you go to marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com, you'll find resources for doing this. It is vital information for ANY marriage.

fwiw, sailor, I agree that not everyone cheats and lots of women walk away from their marriage. Especially with such tragic circumstances as abuse, and the death of a child. I, myself, fell out of love with my husband over 20+ years of unhappiness, and I never cheated. 

I'm not telling him to make a 'claim' of cheating. Where did I say that? I said to find out the truth, and come HERE and let us know what he found. His marriage is disintegrating anyway; he may as well find out if cheating is a cause. It may just be an emotional affair with a coworker, that 'opened' her eyes to another life. But he can't work to fix the marriage if that IS the case and he doesn't know.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Well, the way I've learned is that, if there IS cheating - and nowadays statistics are showing over 50% of people are, in some form - you have to address the cheating first, because they will be getting their needs met by another person, and it will be impossible for them to connect to you again with a third person in the mix. So learning the truth is paramount.
> 
> Then, if you do determine there is no other man, you can focus on what you should be doing anyway - improving your marriage so she wants to stay with you. If you go to marriagebuilders.com or affaircare.com, you'll find resources for doing this. It is vital information for ANY marriage.
> 
> ...


I didn't say that you were telling him to make a claim that she is cheating. You said in your post "She is cheating. I guarantee it."

To me that is addressing a problem that he did not even mention. It is like going to the doctor for problem "x" but the doctor decides to treat problem "y."

There maybe another man, who knows, she maybe having an affair with a woman. The thing is we don't know, and he has not given any indication that he suspects she is having an affair. 

I can understand saying something alone the lines of "Maybe you should rule out the possibility of an affair." I just feel like you didn't say that, you just came right out and stated that she was having an affair. I guess that is what bothered me the most.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Actually, you said



> I would be very hesitant to make the claim of someone cheating--esp. someone I don't even know the first name of. To me, accusing someone of cheating is almost like accusing someone of murder. I have to be very certain of it. I would not even want to put the idea of her cheating into this man's head unless I was petty darn sure about it. If he was to accuse his wife of cheating and she really was not, it would only make things worse between them.


Understood, I can be very blunt. But his marriage is falling apart; she is leaving him, and most people don't leave unless there's someone else in the picture giving them a REASON to leave. He has to take drastic steps.


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

turnera said:


> Actually, you said
> 
> 
> 
> Understood, I can be very blunt. But his marriage is falling apart; she is leaving him, and most people don't leave unless there's someone else in the picture giving them a REASON to leave. He has to take drastic steps.


See I don't feel that most people leave a marriage because there is someone else. I don't really know that amount of people who leave because of someone else, so I hate to make assumptions like that. I know many people who do leave for reasons other than another person. I know my marriage is falling apart and I am ready to walk out and there is no other man.


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

Although I can't confirm she is cheating either, I think she it as well.

He should not accuse her, but I think he should be aware of the possibility at this point.

I agree with turnera, the signs are there.

1.) former sexual abuse
2.) recent admission to sexual abuse
3.) a sudden change in her sexual appetite 3 years into the marriage (which led to that 5 month tickling weirdness), and an additional excuse NOT to be sexual.
4.) ANOTHER change in the status
5.) Wife has FALLEN OUT OF LOVE with him, which is probably the NUMBER ONE statement uttered by cheaters.

A married person NOT HAVING AN AFFAIR does not usually drop bombs like that. 

And......the BIGGEST indicator IMO is......

His wife appears to have self esteem issues due to many things. 
The poster made no mention that wife is addressing these things via therapy etc.
So....HOW THE HELL DID SHE GET THE GUMPTION TO TELL HIM THIS? 
A rescuer......another man.


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"5.) Wife has FALLEN OUT OF LOVE with him, which is probably the NUMBER ONE statement uttered by cheaters."

Low self esteem can create this too as evidenced by my cluster of a situation. Depression/anger is not fun. No OM.

Miscarriage/loss of a child which causes husband to check out. Yep, that's me. It's very possible there is no other man. I got these exact same responses. However, my wife was not sexually abused. I went all 007 to make sure no cheating.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

turnera said:


> She was sexually abused.
> 
> Sexually abused women CHEAT.


Holy load of insulting crap, batman. Some abused women grow up to be people of character. You have cheating so on the brain, it is utterly frightening.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

This may be harsh, but I think you need a little wake up call. I disagree SERIOUSLY with people jumping to he conclusion that your wife is having an affair necessarily. It is a source of near constant amazement how many people wait until it is too late to decide to treat their marriage properly, and that includes you. Your wife is no saint, to be sure. But you need to face facts about your handling of the issues.

Lack of affection and sex and you resort to physical violence. Yes physical violence. Tickling someone until they CRY is violence and abuse. 

The death of a child and you withdrew, took care of you and not her and not your marriage.

Who knows if it is too little too late, but the at the therapist you need to OWN these facts. When you finally get to dealing with the lack of affection and her fitness testing you, then you learn how to deal with that EFFECTIVELY.

Good luck to you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok, ok, I'm sorry for the way I wrote one sentence! Good grief! And I already DID say I miswrote it, but you obviously didn't read the whole thread, did you?

There's plenty of evidence to back it up, I'm not going to waste time digging for it. I've been reading about it for at least 10 years, so I'm sure you can find it if you look for it.

The bottom line is that women who are sexually abused as children have a greater _tendency _than those who are NOT to seek out self-destructive actions. Period.

Does that mean that all such women will cheat or choose other harmful paths? Of course not, no more than any other absolute you want to use.


----------



## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> This may be harsh, but I think you need a little wake up call. I disagree SERIOUSLY with people jumping to he conclusion that your wife is having an affair necessarily. It is a source of near constant amazement how many people wait until it is too late to decide to treat their marriage properly, and that includes you. Your wife is no saint, to be sure. But you need to face facts about your handling of the issues.
> 
> Lack of affection and sex and you resort to physical violence. Yes physical violence. Tickling someone until they CRY is violence and abuse.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## sailorgirl (Jun 9, 2010)

I do feel that turnera has apologized for what she wrote. We should probably let it go now. 

I think she hit a nerve with many of us who have suffered with abuse (not all of it sexual). For many of us who have suffered with abuse, it is very difficult to over come it and get on with your life. While I was not sexually abused, I was both physically and mentally abused. I know how hard it is. And I know I felt the sting of turnera words, not because I felt there was any truth in them, but because I have had so many arm-chair psychologist try to tell me what I was doing wrong and what did or did not do/need and it caused a lot more damage than good.


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

turnera-

The correction should have said "sexually abused people" to be PC.
I knew you did not mean ALL SEXUALLY WOMAN CHEAT from the your initial post.

vthomes-

"Tickling someone until they CRY is violence and abuse"

Agreed, the poster recognized this, and corrected it over 10 years ago.

Both turnera and I realize and HOPE that his wife may not be cheating.
We do however see symptoms.....and we recognize this from YEARS of experience in watching affair development.

I have seen both NON-affair situations and affair situations in THOUSANDS of closely watched cases.

This one looks like an affair to me....quite a bit actually.


----------



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

To the OP, your wife has a narcissistic injury and its actually quite mature of her to say its not fair for you to be in the relationship wit hher. HOWEVER, part of their internal mantra is to sabotage things that are going well, also to say they want to leave believe they want to leave but really want you to prove to them over and over that you love them and they are a person of value. They dont really want to leave, they really want you to fight for them. It will be scary for her and you at first if you simply say you hear that she wants a divorce and doesnt love you anymore (bc you need to validate first), then simply state that you dont want one. Ask if she has pursued getting divorce papers drawn up or met with an attorney (casually) and dont be surprised if she becomes more convicted at first. Stay calm and let her have her space, but do supportive things around the home and things you know she likes. If she is truly Borderline (part of the narcissistic personality disorders), she will begin to waffle. 

I have read books Disarming the Narcissist and The One Way Relationship Workbook bc of my husband who separated from me and plays sexual manipulation games etc. Anyway, there are very specific ways of handling people with these internal injuries from traumas in their young years. It really helped me to see my husband as a wounded child inside, as it clearly defined his behaviors as coming from within him. I had to work on not taking anything personally, and calmly holding him accountable for hanous behavior or threats. 

I only know what I have read in your post, but from an injury like that and the behaviors you described... might be worth looking into. If you want to message me I can keep you posted on how its working with my marriage... it appears he is wanting to work on things now instead of being convicted in the divorce. It requires a great deal of humility with a balance of not allowing blame for things that you did not do... but also reflecting more closely on perhaps not seeing something as hurtful that was hurtful to the inner child in your spouse... its whole new way of looking at things. Its hard to see bc we dont assume our grown spouses are wounded children inside, especially if they are high functioning and have career success making it seem as though they have together.

These books will be helpful for anyone who has a self centered person in their personal or work, or social lives...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Another great book that may be applicable here is Healing The Shame That Binds You, which deals with Toxic Shame, so prevalent in such cases. It made a huge difference in my life to help me deal with past abuse.


----------

