# Cowblazer left the building?



## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I logged in this morning to check up on the poor guy and the thread and his profile looks to be gone.

Was he a troll?


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

hard to say


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

He was probably a troll. His story just resonated bullsh!t with me. I think most here don't believe the threads lately, but they're playing along for the opportunity to provide teachable moments.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

It had that vibe to it..


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Sucks if he was a troll. So many of us were helped by this site when our turn came, and even though some of these stories trigger the sh*t out of me, I try to hang in there and help out when I can.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

He self deleted. No indication he was a troll.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I had a question about this, because I told him that I was in the same area and would be willing to meet up with him. He had said he had no family or friends in the area.

I did get a PM from him with a phone number, but then this morning everything is gone and his account cannot receive a PM.

Should I call and meet up? It just seems weird.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He probably freaked out because the OM info was being leaked and someone had already made a comment on his facebook page. He had no intention of ever leaving his nasty wife and is probably afraid being here and the OM being exposed would make her more upset.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

lisab0105 said:


> He probably freaked out because the OM info was being leaked and someone had already made a comment on his facebook page. He had no intention of ever leaving his nasty wife and is probably afraid being here and the OM being exposed would make her more upset.


Almost certainly the case. And if so, he's got a lifetime of worse days ahead of him.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

A shame. Hope he finds his way.

It has been trolly around here lately. But I will not let a few trolls deter me from trying to help.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I really dont think he was a troll, unless he is giving me a fake name and phone number!

Anyone have an opinion on if I should call?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Tas, I wouldn't if it were me.

lisab is right - he isn't going to leave her. He was so passive; a complete pushover. I felt bad for the guy.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

Tas, I don't think he was a troll. Still, I'd say just leave it be.

Stick around here and help some other members, instead.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Tas, I wouldn't if it were me.
> 
> lisab is right - he isn't going to leave her. *He was so passive; a complete pushover.* I felt bad for the guy.


We could change that..


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

verpin zal said:


> We could change that..


I was hoping to help!


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

What about the guy whose wife got her nipple pierced for the OM? I can't find that thread now either. Am I forgetting where it was hidden, or did something happen to that one since I last read it yesterday afternoon?


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

Yeah that one was troll-y to me also.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

InlandTXMM said:


> Yeah that one was troll-y to me also.


Bummer. He hooked us with the nipple talk.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I know I grabbed another cup of coffee and pulled my chair in. LOL


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think some people need to remember that this is someone's real life, and that person may need time to adjust. Not everything needs to be changed RIGHT NOW!!!

To the person who got a cell number from him, I'd just send a simple text like "Hey, got your PM. Here's my number. If you need someone to talk to, drop me a note." 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Maybe his wife found his account?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

The reason so many people get something out of this site is because it's an anonymous place to be able to vent everything inside of yourself. You don't have to worry about it "coming home" if you will.

When a post was made on the hairdresser's facebook page, it instantly lost it's anonymity. 

There are so many people who are the most helpful I've ever seen, during some of the hardest days a person can deal with. But sometimes we lose sight of our role. It was a mistake to post on the facebook page. I really think that's why he bolted. It's like his wife found it and he had to "burn the evidence".

It's a shame because he has some real trouble on his hands and wasn't going the right direction of fixing it. I hope we, as a community, can learn from this episode and not be so aggressive in action.


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## Foghorn (Sep 10, 2012)

BlueCalcite said:


> Bummer. He hooked us with the nipple talk.


That was "thrall". I don't know where the thread went.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Foghorn said:


> That was "thrall". I don't know where the thread went.


There appears to not be a member by that name anymore.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

What is a troll?


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> What is a troll?


A story-teller.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The reason so many people get something out of this site is because it's an anonymous place to be able to vent everything inside of yourself. You don't have to worry about it "coming home" if you will.
> 
> When a post was made on the hairdresser's facebook page, it instantly lost it's anonymity.
> 
> ...


I'm the one who asked if he had a Facebook page, but I didn't expect it to be found and posted upon before other opinions on the strategy were given here.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Cowblazer sounded terrified that somebody might post on the hair-guy's facebook page. I don't think he was a troll, just a befuddled betrayed spouse who was doing all the wrong things. He learned a lot in the short time he was here, but I have doubts that he'll do the right things. He seemed to just want to magically get back his wife at any cost, without playing hardball because of his fear.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

He reminds me of how I used to be not too long ago. Regardless of what my WW did, I was dead set on treating her with love and devotion because I thought that would lure her back. He is so afraid of upsetting her that he is willing to put up with anything she does so that she doesn't completely leave. I think he did get freaked out about the advice to move on and honestly didn't want to hear it.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> The reason so many people get something out of this site is because it's an anonymous place to be able to vent everything inside of yourself. You don't have to worry about it "coming home" if you will.
> 
> When a post was made on the hairdresser's facebook page, it instantly lost it's anonymity.
> 
> ...


Did somebody actually do that?


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## azteca1986 (Mar 17, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> He reminds me of how I used to be not too long ago.


I thought he saw the parallels in your situations. Hopefully he'll read and follow your thread.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

I did call, I am glad I did. He took the post down because it was getting out of control. There were posts made to the guys page, and his work site. It was becoming a lynch mob of sorts.

Anyway, we talked, he had spoken with his wife and emailed her. He described it as saying it is either truth or divorce. There is no in between. He was, from this conversation, very to the point, no non-sense about it. It is either 100% no contact ever and complete open/transparent lives, or it is divorce.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I've always believed that TAM should be kept safe for people and that part of that safety is that none of us bleed over into other parts of the world with what we learn here on TAM.

For instance a long while ago a poster posted details about the AP that made it easy if you knew where to look to positively both the AP and the WS for me.

I did look at the public non traceable source to see the AP, but that's only as far as I went. In fact I immediately contacted the BS and informed them that this ID was possible and advised them on what to remove so no one else could do it.

Yes I could have done stupid stuff like post the AP on reddit and sent the mob after them. But frankly that would have been both reckless for me to do, but also a violation of the BSs anonymity and the BSs right to handle it themselves.

Instead I helped the BS take steps to prevent it from happening.


The idea that TAM members would go to the step of posting on FB or CV or any place or to even cross the huge line an do anything is a horrible and frightening thought. It's stupid, it's wrong, and it's violating the trust of the OP in coming to TAM.


So please folks. It's one thing to visit a CV page, but more than that is wrong in my opinion.

I for one will now be advising BS NOT to share CV links here ever even via PMs. 

We are a advice and counsel board not an action mob. Otherwise I for one will be gone from TAM forever.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> He reminds me of how I used to be not too long ago. Regardless of what my WW did, I was dead set on treating her with love and devotion because I thought that would lure her back. He is so afraid of upsetting her that he is willing to put up with anything she does so that she doesn't completely leave. I think he did get freaked out about the advice to move on and honestly didn't want to hear it.


SF-Fan, he reminds me of 90% of the BS's. Your reaction, and his, are "normal". As counter-intuitive as it is, the actions needed by a BS are opposite of what would SEEM to be the right path, at the moment. 

The BS sees the affair as they are losing their spouse, so they need to win them back. The problem is, once the affair has already started...they've already LOST their WS. And it's that dynamic (actively losing versus already have lost) where the disconnect happens.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> I for one will now be advising BS NOT to share CV links here ever even via PMs.
> 
> We are a advice and counsel board not an action mob. Otherwise I for one will be gone from TAM forever.


Ya I always thought that was a bad idea. Good intentions aside, it's quite possible for some members here to just make a bad situation even worse for a BS doing things like that. I hope he can find another resource to help get him through this. TAM could have helped but it obviously got too out of hand.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

I called it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Tasorundo said:


> I did call, I am glad I did. He took the post down because it was getting out of control. There were posts made to the guys page, and his work site. It was becoming a lynch mob of sorts.
> 
> Anyway, we talked, he had spoken with his wife and emailed her. He described it as saying it is either truth or divorce. There is no in between. He was, from this conversation, very to the point, no non-sense about it. It is either 100% no contact ever and complete open/transparent lives, or it is divorce.


Good for you Tas.

Over the past year I have talked to several folks here on TAM via cell phone. One TAM member hooked up to my wife's computer while I was here in the office (Legally the computer is mine, I bought it and we all used it - for the record).

I have been blessed by the folks here. 

I would agree with Shaggy though, that posting on FB and CV would be a line I would not want to cross.


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I would agree with Shaggy though, that posting on FB and CV would be a line I would not want to cross.


I don't think comments on a CV post are a big deal as long as their purpose isn't to plant more information on the cheater (employer, etc.) than the OP was comfortable enough to put in the original listing.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

CV wasn't a problem but linking the business and FB WITHOUT HIS PERMISSION that is a problem. Just my 2 cents.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I was looking for his thread this morning. I really do feel bad for that guy if he indeed has no one out there to help him. I was really proud of so many people for jumping to his aid so fast. It made me happy that I had found this place myself.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

I also honestly think that the painful feelings we feel or felt return and we tend to live vicariously through the new poster so we immediately want the person to take the action we perhaps didn't, however, each person's situation is different and every person has a different way of dealing. Cowblazer seemed like he did not want to lose his wife regardless of what she did or is doing so it appeared he was reluctantly going along with the advice but didn't really want to go that route.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> I also honestly think that the painful feelings we feel or felt return and we tend to live vicariously through the new poster so we immediately want the person to take the action we perhaps didn't, however, each person's situation is different and every person has a different way of dealing. Cowblazer seemed like he did not want to lose his wife regardless of what she did or is doing so it appeared he was reluctantly going along with the advice but didn't really want to go that route.


SF sometimes the betrayed spouse is more of a fog than the cheater and needs to wake up and doesn't have much time.

Some come out of it some just for whatever reason can't face it.

What may seem rough is what they need to hear and not maybe want to hear.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I've always believed that TAM should be kept safe for people and that part of that safety is that none of us bleed over into other parts of the world with what we learn here on TAM.
> 
> For instance a long while ago a poster posted details about the AP that made it easy if you knew where to look to positively both the AP and the WS for me.
> 
> ...


Couple of times I have PMed people saying: "Did you really mean to name your wife in your last post?"

Of course, they didn't, and quickly edited them.

I think I know who Could have gone over to the hairdressers site. The trolls who hang around in CWI.

But having said that, if he didn't want an angry mob beating on his cyber wall, maybe he should have kept his trousers zipped up in the presence of a married woman?


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

SF-FAN said:


> He reminds me of how I used to be not too long ago. Regardless of what my WW did, I was dead set on treating her with love and devotion because I thought that would lure her back. He is so afraid of upsetting her that he is willing to put up with anything she does so that she doesn't completely leave. I think he did get freaked out about the advice to move on and honestly didn't want to hear it.


That's my guess. If you look at my history, I disappeared for almost a year because I didn't like or want to believe what people were telling me. Thought I could "nice" and "win" my very unremorseful WW back.

Got burned really bad by that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Had TAM existed when my wife had her affair, I'd have been like Cowblazer, I think.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I first saw his post at lunch time, shocked that it was alrady about 7 pages long so I decided to read it after work. Then I couldn't find it so I thought he must have been troll ejected.

His wife was messing with a hairdresser?

How did people post on who's facebook? Did his wife call him?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Had TAM existed when my wife had her affair, I'd have been like Cowblazer, I think.


Lol, I'm still not convinced the way you went about it worked. I hated the malice of forethought your wife displayed.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

That stinks I was PM ing him but yea this forum in open to all people. The Idea the TAM members could troll a cheater in real life. Please if people can get away with it they will do it. Just like locks aren't for dishonest people they are there to keep honest people out. I have helped out individuals on this site and if you know what you are doing you can do anything you want online. I can bounce my connection from Chicago, to canada, or even the netherlands in a few short mouse clicks. And could troll anyone I wanted to with no way to find me. Heck not to be mean or anything but I could create ten accounts on here and the mods wouldn't even know it was me. Luckily I have a life and I keep myself busy. Rather than allowing myself to be so bored that I waste my time finding ways to ruin other people's lives or be a pain. 
But once you get a bullseye painted on you online it's like a pirana frenzy. It's nearly impossible to stop. time is the only thing that will make it stop because the game will get old and another poor sap will find themselves the object of troller's attention.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I first saw his post at lunch time, shocked that it was alrady about 7 pages long so I decided to read it after work. Then I couldn't find it so I thought he must have been troll ejected.
> 
> His wife was messing with a hairdresser?
> 
> How did people post on who's facebook? Did his wife call him?


the OP slipped up and gave up the name of the hairsalon. Someone googled the hairsalon and posted a link to the hairsalons website. The website listed employee's names and there was only one guy who could pass as straight. And there you go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> Lol, I'm still not convinced the way you went about it worked. I hated the malice of forethought your wife displayed.


But it genuinely wasn't done with malice on her part. If it had been I might have just called it a day.

She did it with love and with compassion and concern for me. Of course, ideally, she shouldn't have done it.

Afterwards, when she saw how devastated it had left me, she was sorry for the pain she'd put me through.

She used logic and, well, to her mind, as she had told me in advance, then it wasn't cheating.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> But it genuinely wasn't done with malice on her part. If it had been I might have just called it a day.
> 
> She did it with love and with compassion and concern for me. Of course, ideally, she shouldn't have done it.
> 
> ...


What she did to you was intentional. How could she not know that in itself would be malicious? Have you ever asked her that? She had to know that ordinarily that would have been a total deal breaker. She just got that one in a million in you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

tom67 said:


> SF sometimes the betrayed spouse is more of a fog than the cheater and needs to wake up and doesn't have much time.
> 
> Some come out of it some just for whatever reason can't face it.
> 
> What may seem rough is what they need to hear and not maybe want to hear.


Sure, they may need to hear some ideas that they're not really prepared for. But sometimes the mob mentality of swarming them and whacking them with 2x4’s on their first day isn't the best approach. A gentle approach to begin with, and a progressively more "tough love" approach as required would chase a lot less people off, and still solve the same problems.

C

ETA: And yes, I think that many betrayed spouses are in as much of a fog about their situations as the cheating spouses were before d-day. Especially the ones that insist they're still "in love" and they love unconditionally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> What she did to you was intentional. How could she not know that in itself would be malicious? Have you ever asked her that? She had to know that ordinarily that would have been a total deal breaker. She just got that one in a million in you.


Yeah. Maybe she did, at that.

But she is certainly very different. Smart, with degrees and doctorates, but... she still cannot recognise our 'new' house. The one we bought ten years ago.

She has a small statue in the front window so she'll know when she arrives at our front door.

So... would she have understood it was a total deal breaker? Maybe not.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i think it was 2 fold for the cowblazer yeah some did cross the line posting on the fb page, but i think more of him being scared to take a hard line on his wife thinking it would just push her away (like 99% of new posters think)


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> i think it was 2 fold for the cowblazer yeah some did cross the line posting on the fb page, but i think more of him being scared to take a hard line on his wife thinking it would just push her away (like 99% of new posters think)


:iagree:

Like I said some bs are in the fog and need to snap out of it.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

BlueCalcite said:


> What about the guy whose wife got her nipple pierced for the OM? I can't find that thread now either. Am I forgetting where it was hidden, or did something happen to that one since I last read it yesterday afternoon?


Yeah, he's gone.
I actually PM'd him (*'Thrall'*), because my wife did exactly the same for her OM (nipple piercing) so I had a bit of an 'identification' with it all.
He replied twice then left...


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> He reminds me of how I used to be not too long ago. Regardless of what my WW did, I was dead set on treating her with love and devotion because I thought that would lure her back. He is so afraid of upsetting her that he is willing to put up with anything she does so that she doesn't completely leave. I think he did get freaked out about the advice to move on and honestly didn't want to hear it.


Yep. Agreed 100%. Same with me.
1 - I said I felt numb and 'paralyzed' by my wife separating from me in order to continue seeing her OMback early this year, to the point that I did, literally, nothing while her situation with her OM carried on.
2 - I came here, posted everything I could without things leaking off _CwI_ and the posters, thankfully, gave me right hammering over my passivity. I really thank them for this...
3 - In the two months since, I've made leaps and bounds in a) improving myself, physically, emotionally and mentally and b) getting on with life in general while c) keeping a rational, adult relationship with my wife over our impending divorce.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Hard to believe it was a Troll, given the FB page. Also, the WW's insistence on the beat hair dresser was the sort of detail that the average troll would not come up with. 

She seemed to be cabin attendant, but never said it. 

Most importantly he gained help.

Furthermore, he may be here reading.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

His wife was returning home last night, I have not heard from him since. He may or may not call me again.

He is definitely not a troll.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Unfortatuately if she's flight crew she will be surrounded by expert cheaters.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Tasorundo said:


> I really dont think he was a troll, unless he is giving me a fake name and phone number!
> 
> Anyone have an opinion on if I should call?


Why not. If you feel the need to, perhaps your intuition is on target. 

If he starts acting odd, just hang up. 

If you plan to meet him, ensure it is in a public place, and do not give out personal address or full name information for your own safety.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Unfortatuately if she's flight crew she will be surrounded by expert cheaters.


That is so true. 

The woman who aggressively approached me about an affair was a flight attendant. 

She was not only surrounded by serial cheaters, but she herself was an expert serial cheater.

She also managed to convince her unsuspecting husband that I was the aggressor and no affair took place and my wife was just a jealous insane betch who called him to start trouble.


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Yeah. Maybe she did, at that.
> 
> But she is certainly very different. Smart, with degrees and doctorates, but... she still cannot recognise our 'new' house. The one we bought ten years ago.
> 
> ...


Does your wife have Asperger's syndrome?


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> SF-Fan, he reminds me of 90% of the BS's. Your reaction, and his, are "normal". As counter-intuitive as it is, the actions needed by a BS are opposite of what would SEEM to be the right path, at the moment.
> 
> The BS sees the affair as they are losing their spouse, so they need to win them back. The problem is, once the affair has already started...they've already LOST their WS. And it's that dynamic (actively losing versus already have lost) where the disconnect happens.


In my opinion, and based on numerous men I know, the above logic applies to wayward wives more than to cheating men. 

Men in aggregate are faaaaaaaar more capable of compartmentalizing sex and love. 

Women, in aggregate with a handful or exceptions, are faaaar more likely to fall in love with their affair partners. 

In aggregate women cheat for an emotional connection and sex is used as bridge to that connection. 

Men want sex only and offer a limited emotional connection in exchange for sex.

That is likely why most counselors who see a mid-life couple in which the man is the cheater will claim that the marriage can more easily be saved. 

It's not that women are more willing to take a cheater back, it's more that it's obvious to them that the husband did not fall in love with the affair partner.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

remorseful strayer said:


> Does your wife have Asperger's syndrome?


High Functioning, of course!


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Some stories do seem like troll stories, but, if we start doubting what people tell us at face value we can't be effective to anyone.

I think we have to take what they tell us as fact and work with it from there, since we don't really know. I would hate to ignore someone who really needs help.

If some argues back or won't take or listen to the advice, the best thing to do is not engage.


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