# Advice from the Old Ones



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Not the nameless horrors from beyond space, but advice form people with a lot of relationship experience, good and bad. The youngsters will probably not listen (I didn't when I was young), but I thought it might be an interesting thread anyway.

Having good relationships:

1). Find someone who makes you happy most of the time. It doesn't matter what they look like, what they do, how wealthy they are, if you aren't usually happy in their presence, find someone else.

2). Never expect sex to get better with time. If you aren't happy with the way it is, don't stay in the hope that it will improve. 

3). Nothing is as big a decision as having children. It will be the best of worst decision of your life. Really think about it. 

others....


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Hmmmmmm...... 

1. Love yourself enough to not be treated as second class. You should be CHERISHED by your lover/spouse/partner

2. Self-awareness is huge (leads to #1)

3. Be self-sufficient...so you can WANT someone just because you love them, and not have to be dependent on them

4. Communication is EVERTHING. There shouldn't be anything that you "can't talk about"

5. You can't fix someone else, only yourself


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

1. Talking is not communication. Listening and asking questions to seek understanding is necessary, too.

2. Wait a good long time to get to know someone extremely well before getting married.

3. Discuss all the practical things before proposing - money habits, financial situation, religion, real estate, kids, jobs, SAHM vs. working parents, extended family relations, vacations, opposite sex friends, views on everything. Romance only goes so far by itself, and that doesn't mean a lifetime; practical matters _matter_.

4. Remember that neither you nor your partner were born and raised to be each other's "perfect" partner. Expect you will have differences and RESPECT those differences instead of judging there is "something wrong" with your partner. 

5. Though you are together, you do not cease to be an individual with thoughts, feelings, and lives of your own. Respect the individual rather than expecting your partner to have no mind of their own.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

1) communicate and communicate often. Check in with the other person to see if they are happy, don't assume they are

2) make sure you are a priority in the marriage. Not 5th or 6th but equal in priority to the spouse. 

3) get premarital counseling, prenups, and make sure that you have equal access to accounts, social media and other assets 

4) learn their past and pay attention. People don't make huge changes or rarely do. If they cheated before they will again most likely 

5) learn about their social and family circle. This is where your spouse came from and what developed them into who they are. They are likely to emulate what they saw growing up. Parents have no issue with divorce and can't make commitment work guess what your spouse will believe. (I really missed this one)

6) make sure you are on the same page about the big things.. Religion, kids, where you will live, and so on

7) if you fight then fight fare. No name calling, no belittling and if something is forgiven and moved past then don't bring it up. If your marriage is more like a warzone then it isn't much of a marriage at all


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Saw this once: _"Keep your eyes Wide Open before marriage, and half-closed afterwards."_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Have reasonable expectations, both of yourself, your spouse, and your marriage. Don't expect wedded bliss 24/7 and run for the exits when it becomes 12/3.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

1) Your Wife Is Always Right

2) Happy Wife, happy life

What other advice could there possibly be  >

I agree with what most have posted, here are a few that I would probably have posted as well:

---------------------------------------------------------
@SunnyT

1. Love yourself enough to not be treated as second class. You should be CHERISHED by your lover/spouse/partner

4. Communication is EVERYTHING. There shouldn't be anything that you "can't talk about"

5. You can't fix someone else, only yourself
@norajane

4. Remember that neither you nor your partner were born and raised to be each other's "perfect" partner. Expect you will have differences and RESPECT those differences instead of judging there is "something wrong" with your partner. 
@Wolf1974

2) make sure you are a priority in the marriage. Not 5th or 6th but equal in priority to the spouse. 

7) if you fight then fight fare. No name calling, no belittling and if something is forgiven and moved past then don't bring it up. If your marriage is more like a warzone then it isn't much of a marriage at all

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As far as myself, I would add as well:

1) Have a f'n sense of humour. Life is too short to spend it with a frown on your face, and as they say "Laughter is the best form of medicine."

2) Continue to date, even long after you marry. More importantly, the person you date should be your spouse lol

3) Do not let yourself go after marriage. Make every effort to take care of yourself both physically and mentally.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Since I'm feeling old as dirt today. . . . 
1) They walked down the aisle her with a walker, he in a wheelchair at the age of 85, the only couple, in history, who waited until they could afford it to get married.
2) If you dig deep enough you will find S*** (poop).
3) If there really was a perfect person out there, do you really think they would be interested in you?
4) Marriage is not finding the perfect person, it is Making the perfect relationship. And it takes a lot of time to do that.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Mr. Nail said:


> 2) If you dig deep enough you will find S*** (poop).


Not another anal sex thread ... sigh ... :moon:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*"Go get a job!" 

This line of advice usually comes from some well-meaning "old farts" who often don't have the first damned clue about how to get one for themselves, much less anybody else!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

Geritol is overrated

Hair migrates. You got more growing out of your nose than on top of your head

Advil is your best friend

You are replaceable. So are your knees and hips.

Those reading glasses you lost? They're in the same dang place they were the last time you lost them.

You have some extra keys on your keychain. Some of them you have no idea what they are for or what the h3ll they unlock.

That young guy from the hedge fund that called you? The one who said you could make a fortune in "heating oil futures"? He's younger than your grandkid and just as stupid.

I could go on.... But I won't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Sex/laughter, laughter/sex. Both are equally important, imho. Without either, people tend to wind up looking like the characters in Grant Wood's 'American Gothic' painting. Both will help weather the hard times and make the good times even more endearing.

No bullying or manipulating.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Sex/laughter, laughter/sex. Both are equally important, imho.


Lucky that sex with me is like standup-night at the improv and having Bill Burr show up at the mic.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> Not the nameless horrors from beyond space, but advice form people with a lot of relationship experience, good and bad. * The youngsters will probably not listen (I didn't when I was young),* but I thought it might be an interesting thread anyway.


I was one of those odd people who actually LISTENED to my elders, gleamed the good & BAD all around me growing up.. I cared to learn from others mistakes so I didn't end up in a mess, with regrets.....I cared deeply about the sort of guy I would attach myself to...

I had a # of deal breakers...I KNEW what I wanted early on.. growing up I'd sit & listen to my dear Grandmother - her love story of her & Grandpa, so many treasured pictures, it was a beautiful life...I wanted a man LIKE THAT..

He was devoted, a one woman man, loved his wife & family, a hard worker , a humble man..what they shared inspired me....could I find this someday?? 

It was never about being Young, stupid & free for me.. I always had my future in mind..

That being said... I feel being *"compatible"* on a # of levels is essential... but to understand this.. we have to fundamentally understand ourselves...being forthcoming about our needs, wants , dreams.. be REAL..allow for vulnerability.. this is how we deeply connect with another.... 

I started out my Compatibility thread with this >>


> Ultimately we are ALL selfish and simply want what we want, this is nothing new under the sun. Being aware of this fact of life & making absolute sure we are compatible before we marry can avoid many many pitfalls after the vows....


 This thread is pretty much my own advice, what I'd pass on to our children...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ility-b4-vows-beyond-marital-harmony-joy.html 

There have been many Quotes to capture little tidbits that hold much meaning to me... I will post some here...










This helps too >>




























For women...at least I sure felt this way (most of this anyway.. my husband was never a religious guy, I did more praying over him!) ....


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

We can close this thread now... SA said it all!


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Plenty of other good stuff, so rather than repeat just adding to the pile of my own:

Guess what "you" are not perfect or necessarily the best catch and neither is he/she. So, get over yourself and realize that even with all of your faults (collectively) you can make it work. But, it sometimes requires actions over feelings. 

Success at anything requires participation. Marriage is no exception. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

A woman, 99 years of age, married 65 years showed me photos of her deceased husband, 'Wasn't he handsome?' although it was a statement rather than a question. She told me how they would laugh together in bed, being playful and flirtatious. That although he would hurry back home to her, they weren't attached at the hip. She shared how considerate they were to each other, often in small ways. 'It goes so quickly.... just love each other and enjoy it all.' 

She closed her eyes and, with a smile, sang the chorus of this song.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

1) Trust your gut. What you know deep down really is true.

2) Don't base relationships on wishful thinking.

3) For the guys, don't be Nice. Don't treat her like a princess. Have and enforce boundaries with your girlfriend/wife.

4) Let them go at the first sign of disloyalty or dishonesty. The little bit they allow you to see is only the very tip of the tip of the iceberg. It will only get worse over time, not better. Review item 2) above.

5) Prenup Prenup Prenup. There's a reason people happily get prenups for their second marriage, which is they got burned in their divorce with finances and/or child custody.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> She closed her eyes and, with a smile, sang the chorus of this song.


Thanks for posting that video.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh yeah, one more I would add.

Don't take yourself so goddamned seriously. Quit being offended by every perceived slight. Get a slightly thicker skin and learn how to let life, your relationship included, roll off of your back a little easier.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Listen to your spouse. Respect what they have to say.

Continue to court (date) your spouse to keep the mutual interest alive.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thor said:


> 3) *For the guys, don't be Nice. Don't treat her like a princess. * Have and enforce boundaries with your girlfriend/wife.


 This statement may be good for some.. I'm not going to disagree... there is a reason "No More Mr Nice Guy" was written...

But still.. my husband wouldn't listen...he's a very nice giving man.. he's always treated me like a Queen.. it sounds corny , and sickeningly romantic I'm sure... but I love it.. appreciate it... if he bordered being a Prick (not nice) with some arrogant attitude... my appreciation for him would be LESS, it would have a downing effect on me... 

Because of his caring treatment...I, in turn, want to treat him like a KING...I'd do anything for that man..


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This statement may be good for some.. I'm not going to disagree... there is a reason "No More Mr Nice Guy" was written...
> 
> But still.. my husband wouldn't listen...he's a very nice giving man.. he's always treated me like a Queen.. it sounds corny , and sickeningly romantic I'm sure... but I love it.. appreciate it... if he bordered being a Prick (not nice) with some arrogant attitude... my appreciation for him would be LESS, it would have a downing effect on me...
> 
> Because of his caring treatment...I, in turn, want to treat him like a KING...I'd do anything for that man..




I do try to be nice. I will admit, I'm a bit of a grump at times and I know it is not a good way to be at home. It does works well on the football field coaching teenagers though. 

One thing we are good at is tag teaming on household duties without having to say anything. So, during football season, my youngest and I get home late. My wife cooks, but I know to clean the kitchen after I'm done eating and before I relax for the evening. If I'm home early I cook, etc. nothing needs to be said, we just know what we have to do. 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

Thor said:


> 1) Trust your gut. What you know deep down really is true.
> 
> 2) Don't base relationships on wishful thinking.
> 
> ...


Yes. The majority of women nowadays come with a string of male followers disguised as OSF's that they refuse to shake off. These orbiters provide everything from perennial emotional tampons who romanticise about them but the girl has no sexual interest, to fvck buddies, ex's who they occasionally screw, to wanna be 'bad boys' who'll treat them like a piece of meat /POS when ever they 'need'. They've got all angles covered.

Men are railroaded into accepting it or, if they try and impose boundaries, they are shamed for being insecure and it just carries on underground. These women can be loyal, just not to one man. 

This entitled generation of women want a strong confident man, who doesn't take any sh1t and is not stirred up by her emotions. But at the same time, they want him in the kitchen while she works late before giving her a foot massage in a onesie on the sofa as the chick flicks rotate.

They want commitment when they won't commit. They want respect when they don't behave respectfully. They want honesty and loyalty when they can't be honest and loyal.

They want primary care of the kids and financial child support even when the children are shared equally and the woman can be earning as much or more than the father. We're fast becoming purely cannon fodder.

I won't be teaching my son the 'mysogynistic' backlash that is to spin plates, hump and dump or milk it for all you can while the sex is good and monkey branch to one in wait. The male equivalent of the new woman. I'll be teaching him to behave with integrity and walk the minute he's faced with the slightest sniff of this crap. For me, it's to late.

SimplyAmorous is in the minority. I know it, I've seen it, I've lived it and it is getting worse.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If you find yourself keeping score in a relationship, you have both already lost.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This statement may be good for some.. I'm not going to disagree... there is a reason "No More Mr Nice Guy" was written...
> 
> But still.. my husband wouldn't listen...he's a very nice giving man.. he's always treated me like a Queen.. it sounds corny , and sickeningly romantic I'm sure... but I love it.. appreciate it... if he bordered being a Prick (not nice) with some arrogant attitude... my appreciation for him would be LESS, it would have a downing effect on me...
> 
> Because of his caring treatment...I, in turn, want to treat him like a KING...I'd do anything for that man..


You don't really understand Nice and No More Mr. Nice Guy. No disrespect to you, and I don't think your husband sounds like Nice Guy. Rather he's a nice Guy. Big difference.

The opposite of a pathological Nice Guy is not an arrogant prick. It is someone more like your husband.

Lack of boundaries is one of the big hallmarks of the pathological Nice Guy. He treats his wife like a princess and without boundaries, which is quite different than treating her with respect and affection while holding her accountable for her actions.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

FrenchFry said:


> Try your hardest to remember what youthful optimism feels and looks like and what actions you would take, otherwise you will end up like the bitter hordes saying woulda coulda shoulda.


Which Eminem song is that from???

:grin2:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Thor said:


> *You don't really understand Nice and No More Mr. Nice Guy. No disrespect to you, and I don't think your husband sounds like Nice Guy. Rather he's a nice Guy. Big difference.*
> 
> The opposite of a pathological Nice Guy is not an arrogant prick. It is someone more like your husband.
> 
> Lack of boundaries is one of the big hallmarks of the pathological Nice Guy. He treats his wife like a princess and without boundaries, which is quite different than treating her with respect and affection while holding her accountable for her actions.


 I bought the book so I could understand it....I don't like to be clueless when I talk about something... and he DID have some of those symptoms.... I laid it out on a thread here yrs ago ... (post #14) ...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies...nice-guys-described-so-many-google-links.html (you was on that thread I just noticed)

... we went through them together...and assessed where he fell....as I surely didn't want him to be a "Teflon man" to appease ME !!

Does any man have it all down.. I doubt it.. we all struggle in some areas (women too!)...

I guess what I have learned through the reading & assessing... I feel *OUR attitudes* in dealing with our husbands can surely help...we can encourage through communication to No longer be passive, but speak up.. be more assertive with his own needs.. I have surely done this and made it a lot of FUN in the process... 

Not so sure the author would agree with me, seems he feels one shouldn't NEVER talk that openly with a wife.. which may be wise for most... but it's not necessary with me.. not at all. My husband is not a reader.. he'd never pick up a book like that.. so there I am.. the one who buys these things.. even if they were meant for MEN ONLY.. I also bought "Married Man's sex life" so I could see what all the fuss was about ...and "Hold on to your Nuts"... 

I'm weird like that I guess , plus we have 5 sons.. they may need them! .. never read all 3 of them through.. but skimmed here & there..


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

uhtred said:


> *If you find yourself keeping score in a relationship, you have both already lost*.


I was reading about this just the other day in a book about Narcissism...a chapter entitled *"Cultivate Reciprocal Relationships"*...it speaks of this "Score keeping".. what's really going on....



> *1. *In a reciprocal relationship, each person contributes something and each person benefits in some way. The contributions & benefits need not be spelled out or exactly equal, but it is important that each person feels he or she is receiving good value in exchange for what is offered.
> 
> *2.* There is flexibility in the roles of giver and taker. Whether it is an unspoken intuitive understanding, a formal contract, or something in between, there is a mechanism by which each person knows when to give and when to receive. Over the course of the lifetime of the relationship, both parties have a sense of fairness about this aspect of their interactions.
> 
> ...


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## Apexmale (Jul 31, 2015)

1. NEVER marry anyone who makes you happy. It is a costly tradition. No one else is responsible for your happiness but yourself. 


2. The success of your marriage will never be defined by what other people say about it.


3. God instilled in us just two fears. The fear of falling and the fear of loud noises. Guide your lives and marriage without any others.


4. Contentment isn't a result of having more; it is a result of wanting less. Until you are content with what you've already got, you won't be content no matter how much you get. 


5. Marriage is about companionship, NOT about ownership.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

While still in the dating stages, if your partner is still moping over an ex----get out then and there.

If, while dating, there is any hint that you are being "settled for"----get out then and there.


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