# Struggling. I'm sticking to the no contact but she still texts me.



## Gary Cummins (Sep 12, 2017)

Hey all,
So I posted here a few weeks ago about my situation and got some good advice albeit a bit mixed. 
I recently split from my wife. She wanted a separation to see where things lead her. I told her last week that if she slept with anyone while we were apart that it was over. She didn't like that at all and said she was out. It was he first time I set a boundary in our relationship and she couldn't deal. 
So after that some days past. Contact was minimal. More about the house than anything. Then on sat last weekend she asks me how I'm doin. I say I'm good. Went for a long run. Getting haircut etc. 

I then asked her how she was and said feeling low due to a hangover. I ended the conversation by saying well booze and blues don't mix. And that was it. All over text message btw. 
Sunday she went to NYC. So I didn't hear from her till she got back saying she needed to go into the house to get some clothes and work from home for a bit. I was fine with that as I was at work anyway. 
Then Wednesday comes. She texts me worried about bills and money. I reply saying it's fine etc. 
We share 2 credit cards so I suggested paying them down and getting rid of them. Then she texts me saying "ok. Are you ok today? What's going on??"
Again she's asking me how I'm doing. She knows how I'm doing. It's been a week. 
I guess me wanting to sever the credit cards showed her I wanted further detachment. 
So I call her. I say look you gotta stop asking me how I'm doing. I need space and to work on me. When she texts me it brings me back in and it's hard. I was very fair and sincere on the phone. She says ok and the call ended. 

Then not more than 30secs later she calls back and was not so understanding. More irratic saying well if you don't want to talk to me or converse we may as well change out relationship status on Facebook and everything else cause it feels fake and it makes her uncomfortable. 
I say she's over reacting and needs to calm down. She's like well you don't want to talk to me. I say I want to talk to her everyda. To be with her everyday. To hold her everyday. But I can't do that right now so I need space or I'm gonna go crazy. 
I calm her down and she agrees to let things be. I felt I empowered as I stood up for myself and got a reaction but also my friend said I got a bit of hope as she seems lost and doesn't know what she wants. That if she really wanted out she would have deleted all the Facebook stuff already. 
I'm not getting sucked into the hopes of her coming back though as I can't allow myself to be hurt again. 
Later that evening she texts me to tell me that she accidentally unfollowed me on Instagram to stop seeing my videos. So she broke the nc rule.
Nothing since then today is Friday. I'm glad she's seems to be respecting the nc request but how long will it last and it's also very hard but I know it's in my best interests.
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From now on you need to stop talking and texting her.

If she calls, don't answer. Text and ask what's up. If there is nothing important, like bills to pay or the house is burning down, just reply something like "Then all is ok."

If she texts (with no prior call) do the same thing.. reply something like "ok" and do not say anything more.

if she sends an emotional text, wants to talk, etc., just text "i'm sorry you are having a bad day." and leave it at that. Do not reply further. 

I think you need to look at getting a lawyer and file for divorce. She's most likely cheating and you are plan 'B'. You are still there if her single life does not work out.

Cancel the credit card. If you have any joint accounts withdraw 50% of all money and move it into an account in your name only. Then go to the bank and get your name off those accounts.

Treat this for what it is. She left you to, "separated", to get space so she can date other(s). 

You are enabling her using you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Gary Cummins said:


> Hey all,
> So I posted here a few weeks ago about my situation and got some good advice albeit a bit mixed.
> I recently split from my wife. *She wanted a separation to see where things lead her. I told her last week that if she slept with anyone while we were apart that it was over. She didn't like that at all and said she was out.* It was he first time I set a boundary in our relationship and she couldn't deal.
> So after that some days past. Contact was minimal. More about the house than anything. Then on sat last weekend she asks me how I'm doin. I say I'm good. Went for a long run. Getting haircut etc.


This bolded part right here tells you all you need to know. She has been with someone else, OR, there is someone she is currently working towards sleeping with. There is no other reason for this response, none. 

Stop interacting with her. Text and email only, and only in reference to the separation, (meaning logistics, not how you're feeling..) filing divorce, or dealing with the kids. (if you have kids...) She feels guilty and wants to keep you hanging on as her plan B. Dont let her. Good for you for standing up for yourself.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are letting your ex wife run your life. You don't ask her squat anymore. You don't talk to her in any way unless it pertains to kids, then only emergencies. She will use kid stuff to turn the conversation elsewhere in order to play on your emotions for whatever reason she needs. Could be for money, could be for ego stroking, could be to hurt you. There's a million reasons. Don't bite. ANy contact has to be over and out. If not about kids, no reply. THIS is for your benefit. So you can move forward.

If your ex wife cared about you, she would very simply NOT be screwing other men, and she would be BEGGING for you to come back to her. Right now, she is using you. She will continue using you for as long as you allow it. I am telling you to stop allowing it.
In truth, your every thought is revolving around her. You still have hope. For God's sake, start hoping you can be rid of her as soon as possible. You should NOT want this person in your life. She has PROVEN herself to be a disloyal liar. 

Until you get a lawyer and file for divorce, you are going to continue to be a hopeful victim of your ex wife. Change your life. Put her in the past. Divorcing and breaking all contact with her not pertaining to the kids is the only way. 

I assure you, she only wants you for two reasons: financial support, safety net if her dude doesn't work out (likely he won't, very likely), and ego stroking as you pine for her. Please, do yourself a favor and remove those things. If you truly resolved to put this woman in your rearview and started the divorce like you should and CUT HER OFF all your emotional and financial support you possibly could, I suspect she'd probably come crawling back. But I advise against it and don't want you to move on with any hope of her returning, but dreading her presence in your life and placing your hope in bigger and better things other than an unfaithful wife.

It's your choice. It's not her fault if you won't put a stop to it.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Block her. That's what I had to do to my stbx.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You know she is manipulating you to her own selfish ends.

Remove the tether.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You apparently have no idea what nc is. It's not up to her. You feel like you have to answer every text, every phone call, etc? Why?

You control your phone not her. All you're doing is getting strung along by a cake eater.

Until you take control you'll just linger where you are.

Do you know who her boyfriend is? 

If not Check your phone bill.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You have heard the chorus.

To a man and a women, they are telling you to let her go. @Evinrude58 has it right. She should be begging you to return. She isn't.

She wants YOU TO BEG. She does. She needs constant input. Up puffery.

She has a hole somewhere under her fabric [note: @Blondilocks, I am not using a sexual reference here].

She has a hole somewhere under her dress form. She is punctured.

She needs you to puff her up. Other men to puff her up. Puff...not blow up.

It is not your job to keep her inflated. Not now. She lost that honor when she cheated...openly.

On that other thread of yours'. It is frayed, cannot support many more of the same-same posts. 

Please do not stretch this one to the max. 

Return the Favor....Dump her.

Do this and you earn a spot outside the trash heap that she put you in. 

You will self-pluck yourself free. Free at last....free at last!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is having you as her back up plan. Give her what she wants, i.e. out.

Go see a good lawyer and file for divorce, tell her all communication is through the lawyer from now on.

Take care of yourself and move on with your life.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Gary Cummins said:


> Hey all,
> So I posted here a few weeks ago about my situation and got some good advice albeit a bit mixed.
> I recently split from my wife. She wanted a separation to see where things lead her. I told her last week that if she slept with anyone while we were apart that it was over. She didn't like that at all and said she was out. It was he first time I set a boundary in our relationship and she couldn't deal.
> So after that some days past. Contact was minimal. More about the house than anything. Then on sat last weekend she asks me how I'm doin. I say I'm good. Went for a long run. Getting haircut etc.
> ...


Is she in 7th grade?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

aine said:


> *She is having you as her back up plan.* Give her what she wants, i.e. out.
> 
> Go see a good lawyer and file for divorce, tell her all communication is through the lawyer from now on.
> 
> Take care of yourself and move on with your life.


Yep.

Whoever it is that she’s seeing, while it’s new and exciting and whatever else, she’s not yet convinced that he’s marriage material.

So when she sees you detaching, she flips out and tries to bluff you into a knee-jerk “No, please don’t divorce me” reaction. And, while she didn’t get _quite_ what she was hoping for, it was close enough.

And hey, your “I want to see you every day” line provided her with some bonus ego kibble.

Gotta keep that Plan B firmly in place.


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