# Seperated 2.5 months - Seperation doesn't solve anything



## struggle (May 13, 2013)

I'm at a point finally where I feel like my marriage is officially not going to be reconciled. I had hope, but things are just not going to change.

All the s*** I put up with during our marriage is no longer worth it now that it's no longer just part of "being married" to him. I deserve someone that actually cares about my feelings. I'm tired of thinking I'm crazy because of his mind-games, broken promises, and inability to be responsible. Everything is always my fault, he's just a "nice guy".

We were under that agreement that we would continue to "be friends." We don't want drama in this process. So I call every other day or so to say hi, very friendly, ask how he's doing, how our days went, and if there's anything he needs to know with the finances (we are working towards paying off our debt)...not that he's very responsible with that - it's stressful that I have to be on top of him about it. I wish I didn't but the only way I've found to get him to pay is to babysit him about it. I hate it.

When I call a lot of the time he cuts me off early and says "I'll call you back". Sometimes he's at work so I understand. But it's just that he NEVER calls me back. A couple days go by and nothing, so I end up calling him again. It's super-annoying, and now a pet-peeve. We haven't decided that our relationship is officially done yet, so why the lack of effort? I called him out today about this, and he just kinda laughed and said "you should be used it" (haha - he's so funny - not). I said I hate it and I don't want you to do it to me anymore. Then he starts getting into the vague responses and I'm getting the impression that I'm crazy....again (you know me....always trying to start an argument). The one thing he will not give me is, "ok I won't do it anymore" or even a "I will try not to and do better..." Also something that has NOT changed with him. 

I then ask him if it bothers him that I call him. Is he not calling back because I'm calling and he doesn't want to talk to me. Because I can totally NOT call, not a problem "No, of course not what makes you think that?" (now he's slightly offended.....again...crazy me ..why would I think that?). Then WHY do you do it? I believe I got a very indirect "I don't know" as an answer. I still try...lets treat him like a little kid...as usual..."It doesn't make me feel good or important when you do that to me," and his brilliant response "I understand that......" silence.

It's like he thinks he funny or something, or being sly because he doesn't have to give me a direct answer or solution, it's enough to give me chest pains...it really pisses me off. I'm over it. I cried. I cannot believe I'm so pathetic to call my husband when he treats me like this. Maybe I'm being overdramatic - but I don't care anymore. Why do I keep in contact with a man that makes me feel unimportant, crazy, and like everything is my fault. Just because I confront him about something I don't like, I'm the bad guy. I'm 30, I'm beautiful, smart, caring, hard-working, and intelligent. And here I am - crying about some a**hole who doesn't know how to treat a woman. What is wrong with me? I guess we need to do a separation for real - because this system is not working.

I cannot wait until everything is paid off. Please God let it be sooner than later. I deserve better. Even being by myself is so much better than feeling the way I'm feeling right now.


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

You do know that you are stroking his ego w each phone call right?

And, yes... You do care. You need to figure out why.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

ReGroup said:


> You do know that you are stroking his ego w each phone call right?
> 
> And, yes... You do care. You need to figure out why.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You're right, on both counts
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReGroup (Dec 6, 2012)

struggle said:


> You're right, on both counts
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I want you to think about something I learned here a few months ago on this very site:

We teach people how to treat us.

Understand that, and you will begin to regain your power back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry for your struggle.

Your strategy during your separation does not force him to think about what he is losing. He can string you along indefinitely. I got the feeling from your comments that you are focused on him?

What are you doing for YOU?

Got your back,
Stretch


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Struggle
I understand what you are going through, at the beginning of my separation I too, wanted to be friends with my ex.

We would call each other and ask about our days etc. It does not work. There are just too many feelings involved to try and be friendly. 
I understand about your finances and trying to pay them off, but you should cut the cord. Email him once a week. Do not call him. You are giving him all the power.

I bet if you do not call him, he will initiate the contact. Eventually, one month down the road, or two, or three you will not care about whether he calls or not. 
IT takes time. But it is worth it. You are going to be in so much pain, you will wish to turn time back but you will be fine.

Your self esteem is intact, you are a beautiful, smart, and independent woman. You will make it because you know you will.

Do not call him, resist the temptation and everything will be all right!
Don't forget to smile! it does wonders...


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## struggle (May 13, 2013)

Thank you everyone for your kind responses and support.
You're right, being friends is too hard because there are feelings there still. And I guess my expectation was unrealistic.

I am focusing on HIM, and not myself. Why is HE not calling. Why did HE say that? As usual. I definitely need to learn to focus on myself. I really need to focus on my dreams, and what I want - because this is the second time I've ended up here - and I always feel shorted and used. I apparently don't know how to teach men how to treat me - I assumed that if I give and do, then it will be reciprocated, but that is obviously very much NOT the case.

I had a few of my friends tell me to stop calling him too. Focus on myself. I guess now that's enough people between them and TAB responses here that it's true haha 

So here it goes... I like the email idea so I'm going to work on putting something together so I don't have to call him for that crap


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## smallsteps (Feb 23, 2013)

Good move. Stop calling him. Stop asking him if it bothers him when you call.

Concentrate on you and what you can do to make your life better.

When my stbxh and I split I cut contact with him. It hurt entirely too much to talk to him. I really try to limit my contact with him now. I try to stay to financial matters and our kids. He's been known to veer off the subject and it usually ends with me aggravated. He and I can't be friends. Cordial will be about it.

Being friends with an ex is a very hard thing to do, especially in the beginning. Don't worry about his feelings, worry about your own for now.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

Hi there...you sound like you are describing my husband.

I go through the same thing. We have been separated for 6 months and now I have filed for divorce. What I have come to understand is that my husband is "intimacy anorexic". (google it and see if it sounds familiar!) He knows exactly what I need and why.. and so does yours. He just refuses to do it.

It is about control and self protection. Get your power back and realized you deserve better.

Hugs and good luck.


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Wow are we married to the same man?? Sounds just like mone except I don't try to talk to him that much. And when we communicate it's mainly through text. I deleted him off of facebook a few weeks ago and then soon blocked him. It's hard because even before we became invovled with one another we were great friends. Today I decided to stop communicating with him and deleted his number out of my phone. It's his move now. All of our finances are split now and just waiting for it to become finalized in 17 days. I wish you and the others the best of luck. Stay strong and try to avoid fueling his/her ego by making the first move. 
Wish me luck as well. I hope to get over this soon.


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