# Exit Affair confirmed. Best strategy for self respect?



## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Hi. This story started here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...-dysfunction-leading-divorce-please-help.html

My post is long but if you read to the bottom you will find the following (ill try to summarize):

Own a house in a small town, married young with two kids. Wife has major anger issues. We moved to city in parents basement for me to get degree. I did and now have a great job I like in a large telecom. Wife hates living with parents and we were saving to leave in the next few months when she plans a trip back to small town to get more money. she is a photographer and is very busy up there. small town - everyone knows her.

few days before she leaves, we get in large fight. she is screaming insanely at my two boys - they are terrified. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour and yelled at her and shook her to stop. I apologized sincerely as it was wrong. I tried to also address her constant rages.. especially with the kids.. we sort of made up but not properly.. only had a few days before she left.

while up there she is hanging out with this guy and have a life crisis at the same time. She develops feelings for him - she denies it all but I found the evidence when she got back. deleted messages thanks to wondershare Dr fone. no sex yet but she wanted to and wants to. She is full on separation leading to divorce mode. wants to leave me the kids, equity in home when we sell, and just wants to be free and single.. heartbreaking.. poor kids.

Anyway, I found out two days ago after she fell asleep on me after having sex for the 4th night in a row. sex buddies I guess.

She thinks Im oblivious and bought her lies. What do I say when I confront..I want to do it now. the waiting is killing me. I have already exposed quietly to her family. they are 100% with me and very upset with her. her uncle is going to have a sit down with this guy and get me on the phone to speak with him. her uncle is well-respected and feared lol. He has my back. I was hoping to wait for this first then confront so everything crumbles down at once for her.

What do I do? Do it now? What do I say? Kick her out of our marital bed? she's gone anyway.. she doesn't want to be in relationship with me but I want to make a statement. I know she loves me and is probably still IN love with me but wants out.. wants freedom while at the same time really desires my friendship. I dont want to give that to her after betraying me.. Advice?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I have read your entire post and here are my observations:


You both got married young and from what I understand, under pressured conditions (pregnancy) and before she had a chance to live a young life 
She has a strong (although undeveloped) personality and the worst thing you could have done was (a) move her out of her hometown where she was known, liked, confident and felt safe; and (b) move her into your parents house with poor boundaries - this with young kids would have driven me nuts!
She badly wants out as she could take it no more - no wonder she formed a bond with someone as soon as she could
She still wants you (has sex with you, cuddles, says she loves you) but feels it is too late and wants to take what she sees as a chance to recover her youth (clearly not thinking right as she has two young kids who need her) - so they need her to do the right thing and she needs you to do the same
I know you were thinking of your family by getting your degree and better job but she probably saw it as all about you when you couldn't see what she was going through

I would never condone or justify an affair and if she has cheated then that is wrong of her and she will no doubt face the consequences - however at the moment she is welcoming the consequences and will not show remorse due to the reasons above.

You need to continue with killing this affair first - as you have started to do via her uncle - this POS pothead should not be around her at all.

You then need to decide whether you can get over the affair or not.

If not, then divorce quickly. Try to ensure that she gets some help/counselling for her rage issues (although I think that these will die down quickly when she gets back into her environment). Insist that she has partial/50:50 custody or some regular contact with her kids (for the good of the kids and the right thing to do).

If you can get over the affair and you love her (as you have stated), then you have to decide which is more important to you - your job and financial well being (you and your kids) OR your wife and family's emotional well being/happiness. I am hoping that you see the rhetorical question here and select the latter. If so, focus on what she needs, be the man you would want your daughter to marry, listen and understand and then help her. Go back to her hometown if necessary, get out of your parents basement ASAP, give her some leeway to be young (no cheating of course) - do whatever it takes as I do not believe this should be over.

My 2 cents worth! Hope it goes well for you all.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If she wants to go, let her. You cannot keep her if she doesn't want to stay. 


I know it is tough. I have been there. File for divorce as quickly as you can. Get it done while she is willing to give you good terms. Protect yourself and your assets. The kids will recover and so will you. 

Think about the example you are setting for them by having them exposed to her anger. 

Make their home a safe place. 

Good luck
WD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Please don't start new threads when the story is essentially the same. 

The outstanding negative aspect of your wife's behavior is not just the affair, which is of course bad, but her abdication of adulthood. She is not being responsible to her children by smoking dope. Who needs a stoner mom? Who needs a stoner cheating wife for that matter? But you are aware of this now and are planning for divorce.

Put the OM on Cheaterville. Make the post very simple and factual. Include not bitter emotional language. This will help to kill off the affair, which is not good for your wife as a mother. Do not put her name there, only his.

You need to divorce her. Do not discuss anything with her but divorce and the children. Do not waver in this. Set up an app to schedule children's activities.

Treat your wife politely but do not engage in any relationship discussion. 

Keep working out.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I am going to base my advice on what you had written about her wanting to give you the kids and giving you her portion of the equity in the house you own together.

1. Don't say too much. Try to hold it in.
2. You have her family on your side. Use this to your advantage.
3. Get the house deal from her done now. Get an attorney. The sooner the better. She can claim that she made a mistake under distress and may have a case to reverse this. I am no expert in this but I have seen post nups overturned based upon this and I don't see much difference here. Get an attorney and see what your options are about the house and get it done.
4. Get full custody of your kids. If she wants to do this again get it done as quickly as you can.
5. Anything else that she is willing to give up will be to your advantage. If your wife is willing to settle on the divorce as easy as possible then you get an attorney and ask her to sign the papers.

Be kind to her right now. Don't blow up.

I would also say to you to NOT talk to the OM. You do not want to enrage your wife and this may set her off. 

If the marriage is over, then let things go between her and the OM. Blast them after the divorce, not before, because you want to get the best settlement you can.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DO NOT tell her about your investigation methods!

Concentrate on the settlement for YOU and YOUR kids. Stoners make poor custodial parents.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't do anything until she signs over the kids and the house to you in front of a lawyer. Then expose.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In my opinion, the best strategy for self-respect is to plan your own exit in a way that maximally protects your children. They are what is important now. You should work toward full custody.

If you focus on your boys and ensure that they are safe and happy, you will be able to live with yourself. Otherwise, not so much...


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> she's gone anyway.. she doesn't want to be in relationship with me but I want to make a statement.
> 
> I know she loves me and is probably still IN love with me but wants out.. wants freedom while at the same time really desires my friendship.


That's a little inconsistent my man. Women that are in love with you want to be in a relationship with you. Once she's out and rid of you and those pesky kids, you'll see what I mean. 
Your self respect, emphasis on self, is best achieved by cutting her loose with no strings. As far a having sex with her in the interim, have at it if it appeals to you.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I see it as you having two options. Both include starting the divorce process and otherwise begin the same way.

1 - Finalize your exit strategy, get your finances separated, stop having sex with her, implement the 180, and start the divorce process. Expose her. Don't contact the OM, but do expose him. If you can't get past what she's done, keep going until it's done and don't look back. 

2 -Finalize your exit strategy, get your finances separated, stop having sex with her, implement the 180, and start the divorce process. Expose her. Don't contact the OM, but do expose him. If you think there is a possibility for R; watch how she reacts. If she demonstrates true remorse, accepts the consequences, and owns what she did - you at least have a starting point for R, and you can delay or stop the D. Divorces take months.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your wife's march at getting back her "stolen youth" is here the main issue. And it's unstoppable. Even if you manage to kill this affair by scaring OM.

With this premise my advice is to get the legalities done to your adventage ASAP and move on. You can later try your best to reverse it by killing the affair and making an attractive offer.

I'm sorry man.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

If she will give you custody of the boys, get it in writing and legal.

I like you scaring the OM. But she will find another. 

Sorry, it hurts and someday you and your boys will be better off without her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Is the OM married?

I don't see any sense in talking to him, talking to his wife sounds good.
Before you talk to your wife, let the OM be the one to inform your wife you know what's going on.

That'll mess with her a bit.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

A question. Who does she hate more? You or the children?

If the answer is even possibly the children, then I respectfully suggest that she does not get any custody and only has limited access through a contact centre, as she is a potential danger to them.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Thorburn said:


> I am going to base my advice on what you had written about her wanting to give you the kids and giving you her portion of the equity in the house you own together.
> 
> 1. Don't say too much. Try to hold it in.
> 2. You have her family on your side. Use this to your advantage.
> ...


This... do this!!!


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Hi. so much has happened in the last two months. thank you for your input.

Basically, she returned and we spent quite alot of time together. I chided her over her behaviour and her messing around. I told her any contact with him and it would be a major betrayal and would not be interested in being friends with her at all. 

We slowly progressed - she showed remorse and regret for doing that but promised no sex. The text messages indicated no sex. however - it could have happened after the texts and right before she returned. 

Anyway. we spend a month together and I put the affair out of my mind for awhile as we were planning on separating anyway. I acted like I was okay with the idea and that it might be good for me too. Whatever was my attitude. At the same time we treated each other really well and started to build the bonds back.. lots of love making and i love yous. 

She returned to her hometown two weeks ago to begin our official separation and was quickly hospitalized by severe pain. It turned out to be an ectopic pregancy which could have killed her. I questioned her on whether it was mine or his.. the timing left it possible to be his.. she still swore no sex so there was no way according to her... anyway it had to be removed in an emergency surgery.

The surgery and dangerous ordeal changed her and she came to the realization that she loves me and wants to be with me. and the kids. So we are back on and she is coming back soon.

Meanwhile.. little does she know, her cousin (more friend to me than her) got some info from her friend who is now dating this guy. He spilled some beans in confidence but it got back to me. He said HE regrets it. She is crazy and doesnt want anything to do with her. He said she took advantage of him and never would have touched her if he wasn't drunk. And he never will again...

Does that sounds like making out between two 28 year olds to you?? It sure doesn't to me... That sounds like sex. He was making out with her quite a bit before that I think.. he stopped talking to her when she came back to the city with me and the boys. I think they had sex before she came back and he regrets that... 

Now.. I dont feel comfortable just taking her back the way things stand.. Things are really good between us and she doesnt know i have this info and am having these thoughts...

How do I maintain my self-respect, provide consequences to her and also get her to admit it without completely revealing my source?

What do you think I should say? Should I wait for her to return in two weeks?

Should I ask for the right to have my own separation and fun time? not fair that she gets to and I just take her back.

Guide me oh wise TAM


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

HappyHubby said:


> She is crazy and doesnt want anything to do with her.


Why do you?


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

Ripper said:


> Why do you?


I'm trying to figure that out. After hearing what he said just two days before her surgery I have been debating whether I should stay with her or not. 

I do love her and we are good together in many ways. Great sex, lots of fun/emotions and great companionship when things are going well.

She is all I know for long term relationships. That could be part of it. I had an idea in my head of being a family. I want our boys to have two parents together, working together. Divorce would be very stressful logistically too.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HappyHubby said:


> I'm trying to figure that out. After hearing what he said just two days before her surgery I have been debating whether I should stay with her or not.
> 
> I do love her and we are good together in many ways. Great sex, lots of fun/emotions and great companionship when things are going well.
> 
> She is all I know for long term relationships. That could be part of it. I had an idea in my head of being a family. I want our boys to have two parents together, working together. Divorce would be very stressful logistically too.


She only wants back because OM dumped her. If you take her back, then just wait until OM2, OM3, OM4, etc, shows up.


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## Ripper (Apr 1, 2014)

HappyHubby said:


> when things are going well.


You know who I usually hear say things like that? 

Victims of abuse.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

lordmayhem said:


> She only wants back because OM dumped her. If you take her back, then just wait until OM2, OM3, OM4, etc, shows up.


I dont think this is it, to be honest. I have gone through this many times. I dont think he was a plan A, he was only a few weeks thing.. he was more like an easy landing.. of course he got out of the way and the landing got rough.. Still a bit plan B-ish.. and it does bother me yes. 

If the relationship fails I dont see more OMs truthfully. At this point its more likely that if it fails, it would just fall apart more quickly without another person involved - we'd both be too tired of it and call it quits.

Her "lover" is not much of a lover from what I hear anyway. I outshine him in that department by great lengths. 

She wants to do counselling. I'm thinking a Gottman certified therapist if we do.

Abused? Ya - emotionally manipulated for sure. She cries and I want to save her. ugh. I dont want to be her white knight anymore.

You guys think yes they had sex right?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> Divorce would be very stressful logistically too.


So, is infidelity and limbo.

Oh and I'd want to see her medical records. Yep, my wife could be pissed all day long, but I'd confirm she didn't have an abortion. 



> I dont think this is it, to be honest. I have gone through this many times. I dont think he was a plan A, he was only a few weeks thing..
> 
> If the relationship fails I dont see more OMs truthfully.


You know this makes absolutely no sense logically right?


I believed she had sex when she went for a visit, in an area where the other man lived.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

One of the paradoxes of reconciliation is that you must be vigilant to prevent cheating in the future because once someone cheats once it could happen again. If you have to watch out of the corner of your eye, you will feel less than comfortable. Can or do you want to live like that?

You can replace her. Will you have great love second time round? The older you get the, the less likely that it is. But you are not so old.

Your wife needs therapy. Maybe it wouldn't hurt you either. If you want to stick with her, it would be good to get to a better place in your marriage.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> So, is infidelity and limbo.
> 
> Oh and I'd want to see her medical records. Yep, my wife could be pissed all day long, but I'd confirm she didn't have an abortion.
> 
> ...


It wasn't an abortion. but Ill see if I get any inconsistencies in her story anyway before wasting any energy on that.

It makes sense that there wouldnt be another OM because it was too stressful for her.. we would just end the relationship more definitively first. Thats what she was trying to do this time while using OM as a crutch. our problems began long before him. she just did a really ****ty thing and its hard to forgive... even if I dont think there would be another man.. ur right I cant trust..which are two conflicting thoughts. messed up.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> One of the paradoxes of reconciliation is that you must be vigilant to prevent cheating in the future because once someone cheats once it could happen again. If you have to watch out of the corner of your eye, you will feel less than comfortable. Can or do you want to live like that?
> 
> You can replace her. Will you have great love second time round? The older you get the, the less likely that it is. But you are not so old.
> 
> Your wife needs therapy. Maybe it wouldn't hurt you either. If you want to stick with her, it would be good to get to a better place in your marriage.


Thank you. All very good points I will think over. How do you uncover if your spouse is one that can affair proof the marriage? 

I think I will give therapy a try...

But! honestly, I want her to see it as a gift.. i have to make her realize and FEEL that she doesnt deserve it and then see her make huge efforts to win me back... only then will i know she really wants to make an effort and is not just doing it because its convenient.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

and its not limbo anymore. she has stated her full commitment to work on the marriage


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> It wasn't an abortion. but Ill see if I get any inconsistencies in her story anyway before wasting any energy on that.
> 
> It makes sense that there wouldnt be another OM because it was too stressful for her.. we would just end the relationship more definitively first. Thats what she was trying to do this time while using OM as a crutch. our problems began long before him. she just did a really ****ty thing and its hard to forgive... even if I dont think there would be another man.. ur right I cant trust..which are two conflicting thoughts. messed up.


Two things;
Stop defending your wife.
Stop blaming yourself.

I'll let others talk, but you are making a ton of definitive assumptions and you keep being wrong.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Ask her to take a polygraph test. She will probably go along with it but confess at the very last minute (parking lot confession). The threat of the test is normally enough.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Simple really. Do the RTBP and use a polygraph to get a parking lot confession.

"Wife. I know you had sex with this guy. I am having bad imagination right now and need to know the full extent to put my mind at ease. You are going to take a polygraph. If you pass and your last story is shown true I will work my damndest for reconciliation. A lie means divorce. You may change the story any point up to the point we walk in the door. After that your story is locked and can not be changed."

Go thru with it. She will literally confess everything on the way there.

You could also simply use the threat of exposure to get the full extent from the OM. "OM, how many times did you and my wife have sex and from what date to what date. I know it was a couple but need to know the number of times of actual sex and number of times of "other cheating including when you started making out."


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read MMSLP


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

I agree with weightlifter if you really want to know if they had full intercourse then have her do the poly with the hope of a parking lot confession.

would this be a deal breaker for you?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Would the OM tell your friend if they had sex?

I think you give her the divorce papers. Tell her you know, but not how you know.

How would she feel if you had an affair? Did the OM ever talk to you on the phone with the uncle?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is that denial talking?

You will reconcile.

You will reconcile even if you find out that she had sex with him.

It is fine if that is what you want and many BS on TAM reconcile with WS that physically cheated on them but let us stop pretending that you will divorce her if you find out about a PA.(Why am I saying this?)

You are in 'save my family' mode I guess. 



> and its not limbo anymore. she has stated her full commitment to work on the marriage


She got scared after her near death(?)/traumatic experience. She needs your comfort and safety now. How much of it is commitment to the family and love for you is up in the air.

Also, she got rejected and dumped during this time. How did you believe her commitment?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

From what OM is telling, his WS likely raped him. swap the genders...

OP, does the OM know about her failed pregnancy?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> He spilled some beans in confidence but it got back to me. He said HE regrets it. She is crazy and doesnt want anything to do with her. He said she took advantage of him and never would have touched her if he wasn't drunk.


oh, c'mon, that's what you men tell us women about the last one all the time...... even if it wasn't true and if she came back, you'd be the first in line.

My exH tried to tell me that he wasn't all that fond of his best friend's wife; she seemed kind of crazy and she doesn't have that many long term friends....... but as soon as conflict arose between her and me....... guess who he felt the need to protect.......It was all my fault. I didn't try hard enough to be her friend and so on.....

I am surprised that you guys fall for your own lines.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

HappyHubby said:


> How do I maintain my self-respect



Sorry man, that ship has sailed.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> oh, c'mon, that's what you men tell us women about the last one all the time...... even if it wasn't true and if she came back, you'd be the first in line.
> 
> My exH tried to tell me that he wasn't all that fond of his best friend's wife; she seemed kind of crazy and she doesn't have that many long term friends....... but as soon as conflict arose between her and me....... guess who he felt the need to protect.......It was all my fault. I didn't try hard enough to be her friend and so on.....
> 
> I am surprised that you guys fall for your own lines.


:iagree::iagree::iagree: Although this game and susceptibility is not limited solely to the y chromosome, it resides equally in the x as well....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> Meanwhile.. little does she know, her cousin (more friend to me than her) got some info from her friend who is now dating this guy. He spilled some beans in confidence but it got back to me. He said HE regrets it. *She is crazy* and doesnt want anything to do with her. He said she took advantage of him and never would have touched her if he wasn't drunk. And he never will again...


Does this mean OM fvck your wife and concluded that she was too psycho promiscuous to be worth a cheating affair?

Is your wife crazy?


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> I dont think this is it, to be honest.


Yes, it is this unfortunately. It's just you don't see it because you don't WANT to see it.

Whatever personality stressors caused her to seek comfort in the arms of another man are not healed. They are stiil there. This will happen again. 

Accept this and stay with her, with all that entails, or move on to a better life with a mature woman who can commit to the reality of life.

She is an avoider of life and responsibility, only major healing work over a long period of time, can overcome that.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

The only way to maintain full self respect is to have a zero tolerance policy on cheating. That means divorce her.

If you want to reconcile fine but that in itself involves swallowing your pride, accepting that she stabbed you in the back, and acknowledging that she got to screw some guy and still got to keep you. 

By the way, based on your testimony it's more likely than not she slept with this guy. Assume the worst, then make your decision.

Some people have too much self respect to be plan b in an exit affair as your title question suggests. I was one of them.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

HappyHubby;85254
Great sex said:


> First of all, great sex isn't hard to find. Second, great companionship when things go well. That's all fine and dandy if you live in Utopia but what happens when you hit a rough spot. Does it all go back to her screaming and seeking out another guy?
> 
> IMO, she has more issues than good points and how many times do the kids have to be on the receiving end of her wrath before you say enough.
> 
> She offered you a "Get out of the marriage unscathed card" and if I were you, get her to dot the I's and cross the T's and move on.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HH, this may not answer the question posited in the title of the thread but here is my philosophy regarding an EA -- you have to *ASSUME* that it was a full-on PA until you can absolutely prove otherwise. 

Additionally, taking your wife at her word in this regard would be naive and foolish, as she's already broken her vows by engaging in a EA. At this point, what's one more lie? Especially since telling the truth about a PA is _much more likely_ to result in her husband deciding to divorce her...

Taking OM at his word is somewhat less foolish, but only slightly. Confront him as calmly as you can, but maintain a healthy level of skepticism.

Regarding the pregnancy, do you think it possible that she KNEW that she was pregnant w/ OM's love child prior to engaging in regular sex w/ you? Had you considered this at all?


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Good morning, HappyHubby!

As another commenter noted, self respect has pretty much left the building, but let's sift through the debris and see what we can find.

I see tons of verbiage devoted to discussing your wife which is terrifically interesting as speculation goes. As it relates to strategies for gaining or maintaining self respect, it has very little value.

Unless your self respect derives from your wife, in which case it has zero value, since its not about respect at all.

So let's talk about you, not the poor choice of woman you elected to fall in love with.

Given your situation, your best strategy for achieving a healthy level of self respect is to sit down, think about what is important to you in life, and set up some personal boundaries as to what you will and will not accept in life, and then STICK TO THOSE PRINCIPLES.

The only complicated part is figuring out what your boundaries of acceptable behavior are. The part that you will find impossible, based on what you have written, is enforcing those boundaries.

Your wife went and did drugs and had sex with another man. If this happened to a good friend of yours and he took the woman back, you would have trouble respecting him as a man. Now go look in the mirror.

See the problem?

Were I to find myself in your shoes, I think I would try to be the absolute best Dad in the world to my children, and take as much dignity and pride (i.e. build self respect) from that endeavor as well as job satisfaction and being a good provider to them.

Because trying to gain any self respect from your marriage is not going to be a rewarding activity.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Her ectopic pregnancy would have been removed at surgery and sent to pathology. Tissue would have been placed in formalin and microscopic slides would have been made by embedding the tissue in paraffin.

It would be an involved and expensive process but DNA can be extracted from formalin-fixed or paraffin-embedded tissues. 

For those reasons you probably wouldn’t actually have it tested but you could ask your wife for permission to get the tissue from pathology at the hospital where she had the surgery. They do still exist. 

Then you watch her reaction when you tell her that there is DNA from the fetus for DNA testing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Graywolf2 said:


> Her ectopic pregnancy would have been removed at surgery and sent to pathology. Tissue would have been placed in formalin and microscopic slides would have been made by embedding the tissue in paraffin.
> 
> It would be an involved and expensive process but DNA can be extracted from formalin-fixed or paraffin-embedded tissues.
> 
> ...


Damn. Like a boss.


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

I heard something about bipolar if she is just end it. It's a nightmare that never ends take it from someone that's been married to one for over twenty years before long you want be the man you wanted to be all because of her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry man, that ship has sailed.


Hahaha... Nice. And true. 

BUT! I think one can always gain some back by doing the right thing going forward.

I think you are all right. I'm being delusional about what happened and far too accepting. If I had been reading my own thread one year ago I would be giving myself a good kick in the ass.

I need to break it off and set my boundaries. Only if she begs and grovels for months should I consider reconciling...

I think it would be simpler if I was feeling pain and anger.. why am I not as bothered as I thought I would be.. as I was in the beginning.

I almost feel indifferent to it all now... to her. I don't miss her or yearn for her at all. I also am excited at the thought of dating other girls now... just never pictured myself getting divorced.. never pictured having a cheating wife either mind you.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

HappyHubby said:


> How do I maintain my self-respect, provide consequences to her and also get her to admit it without completely revealing my source?.


Self-respect. It is there, it’s always there because it isn’t tied to your wife. It’s tied into how you conduct yourself. What sucks about this, is no matter what you do as far as this relationship, your brain will second guess and beat you up. If you R, you’ll feel like you sold your soul cheap. If you D, others can tell you, but I hear you also feel like you failed and wasted so much of your life on this nasty person. Luckily, you also get self-respect as a father, as a professional, as a friend, and on and on. So you need to pat yourself on your back for whatever it is where you feel you are succeeding instead of just looking at failures. 

You sound like you are in limbo. Doesn’t matter what she wants since she’s already shown herself to change her mind. She’ll be whatever she wants regardless of you. You need to decide who you want to be. I can tell you that right now, while this is still an open wound and the emotions are strong, that it is much easier to divorce. Once she starts committing and playing the role of the newly dedicated wife, it is harder to leave even though you are still torn up inside whether or not you can forgive. I went into R sort of expecting more out of her to ‘make it up’. What I got was about a year of it until the marriage seemed secure, then it’s slowly reverting right back to how it felt prior to her affairs… and that isn’t really acceptable anymore because I want more than feeling like we’re doomed to be together in some tragedy story.

If I could ‘go back’ I would have divorced and left that door cracked enough that if she really wanted me, she could get me back. That would have satisfied my ‘consequences’. Because I would have been dating, that would have satisfied that lingering question of ‘is there someone I can feel as strongly about’. And I believe she would have tried so much harder than she did.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Just lawyer up, serve her papers, and move on with your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HappyHubby said:


> I need to break it off and set my boundaries. Only if she begs and grovels for months should I consider reconciling...


Correction: only if she begs and grovels for months and months and ALSO gets into intensive therapy for at least 6 months to a year, before I'd consider reconciling.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Are you people insane?

Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????

He openly stated he got physically abusive with her...... But she's the one with rage issues huh?

She was attempting to leave but he conned her back into staying and even took the approach that he holds high moral ground? 

And not one of you mention or factor the physical abuse into it at all???? But you are all full of advice on how to further bully her.... you know, make her beg and all that....

Didn't think you would find yourself with a cheating wife huh, do you think she was expecting a wife beater? And then to pretend you can't understand what forced her to seek comfort in someone else.... Talk about denial.

Did you tell the supportive uncle that you felt it necessary to use force to get her to act the way you felt she should act? I'm guessing no or if you did you glossed over it and minimalized it much like you have done here.

I know we all are against cheating but when physical abuse is involved all bets are off. It wasn't an attempt to cheat at all, it was an attempt to get away from him.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

HappyHubby said:


> few days before she leaves, we get in large fight. she is screaming insanely at my two boys - they are terrified. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour and yelled at her and shook her to stop. I apologized sincerely as it was wrong. I tried to also address her constant rages.. especially with the kids.. we sort of made up but not properly.. only had a few days before she left.





Rubicon said:


> Are you people insane?
> 
> Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????
> 
> ...


Was there something I missed (I didn't go back and read the other thread) where a isolated shaking of a verbally abusive emotionally charged wife toward children becomes a battered wife syndrome? Would you protect your kids even from loved ones? 

I'm guessing he mentioned this because it plays into her attitude about the family and him prior to leaving where she might just be in a vindictive mood...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> Are you people insane?
> 
> Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????
> 
> ...


What? You mean this...



HappyHubby said:


> few days before she leaves, we get in large fight. *she is screaming insanely at my two boys - they are terrified. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour and yelled at her and shook her to stop.* I apologized sincerely as it was wrong. I tried to also address her constant rages.. especially with the kids.. we sort of made up but not properly.. only had a few days before she left.


...? Really?!? Overreact much? _Projecting_ much?


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^^ I agree


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HappyHubby said:


> and its not limbo anymore. she has stated her full commitment to work on the marriage


Wow. You just stated that she thinks you believe her lies. But now she states that she's committed fully to the marriage and you believe her and the OM?










You're desparate and in denial. All your posts show how truly deeply you in the denial stage. She throws you a little bone in the form of saying she wants to fix the marriage, and then you're all over it. 

I'll tell you this right now: If you decide to R at this point, you will only be in False R. Oh sure, she might stop for now, or she may contact the OM and restart the affair (fishing). 

You even believe her lies about you being better in bed than him. Do some reading about affair sex and why it's so intense/hot. She probably even told you he couldn't even finish half the time and that she thought about you the whole time she was banging him.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> Are you people insane?
> 
> Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????
> 
> ...


Well, at least I now know your rewrites are directed at other male posters not just Blacksmith.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

So it's ok to rug sweep his assault?

If this site is to hold any value at all it has to be fair. Backing a BS at all costs regardless of anything other than infidelity is a backwards approach at best.

Those that use assault, use children as leverage or fabricate lies in order to gain the upper hand are in my opinion far worse than a cheating spouse.

You will find I am 100% consistent in these convictions.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> So it's ok to rug sweep his assault?
> 
> If this site is to hold any value at all it has to be fair. Backing a BS at all costs regardless of anything other than infidelity is a backwards approach at best.
> 
> ...


Please explain to me (please!) how the scenario that OP described could be considered assault. I wouldn't define it as such, and I daresay that the overwhelming majority of rational adults wouldn't either. And even then, _weigh his very minor infraction _against the mental and emotional trauma that a habitually yelling, screaming parent can do to a child.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> So it's ok to rug sweep his assault?
> 
> If this site is to hold any value at all it has to be fair. Backing a BS at all costs regardless of anything other than infidelity is a backwards approach at best.
> 
> ...


Don't be angry. Let me give you a brotherly hug.

Now tell me - forgot your meds again, eh?


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

Having been involved in and being utterly derided for, physical-assault, in my own marriage, it appears that Happy Husband isn't a physical-abuser of his wife.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

What kind of messed up thought process do you have to have to think yelling at children is mental and emotional trauma but dad beating mom in front of them will have no effect at all???

And don't try for even a second to say that grabbing your spouse and shaking her is in anyway acceptable. In fact, give your local police department a call and see what their thoughts on it are.

It matters not at all how you define it. The laws says it's assault.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> What kind of messed up thought process do you have to have to think yelling at children is mental and emotional trauma but dad beating mom in front of them will have no effect at all???
> 
> And don't try for even a second to say that grabbing your spouse and shaking her is in anyway acceptable. In fact, give your local police department a call and see what their thoughts on it are.
> 
> It matters not at all how you define it. *The laws says it's assault.*


Show that to me.

Either way, the law also says that it would be illegal for me to shoot a random stranger. But if I find him in my home, possibly attacking my wife? Justified. The point here? Mitigating circumstances.

There is also a difference between yelling and _habitually_ yelling at a child.

Seriously, did you read what you _thought_ was spousal abuse and then just stop?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> Are you people insane?
> 
> Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????
> 
> He openly stated he got physically abusive with her...... But she's the one with rage issues huh?


This happened that one time, correct?


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

So if I beat my wife only once it's ok?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> So if I beat my wife only once it's ok?


No. Also, he didn't beat her.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

How do you know Gus? there are three sides to every story and we only have one. 

What makes you think grabbing someone and shaking them isn't assault? He fully admitted to that. Exactly how badly does he have to hurt her before you would agree it is assault?

There are no mitigating circumstances here. These are her kids also and she would claim she was disciplining them. The police won't make a call either way on that but they will arrest the one who escalated things physically.

If she hit the kids you might have a case but she didn't and that ends the whole protecting the kids crap.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You're looking at the OM all wrong "HE" wasn't plan A - 

Plan A is _anyone_ but you if the conditions are right. And those conditions could range from the phase of the moon to the direction of the wind. 

You are a safe Plan B.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> How do you know Gus? there are three sides to every story and we only have one.
> 
> What makes you think grabbing someone and shaking them isn't assault? He fully admitted to that. Exactly how badly does he have to hurt her before you would agree it is assault?
> 
> ...


You're right, we only have one side of the story. And, based on the information that we have at hand, I'd say that he didn't beat her. Period. It would seem that many here seem to agree w/ me.

What information do you have to prove otherwise? Every argument made after the first sentence in the above post is predicated on the notion that OP assaulted or beat his wife in the scenario that he described. Again, given the info that he's provided, I disagree.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> So it's ok to rug sweep his assault?
> 
> If this site is to hold any value at all it has to be fair. Backing a BS at all costs regardless of anything other than infidelity is a backwards approach at best.
> 
> ...


You're making his story fit your parameters. Verbal abuse is unwarranted as well, it is called emotional abuse, but you are conveniently ignoring his claim to further your agenda. You sure do like calling people liars this week. I also find that you are 100% in forcing your conviction into threads were they don't yet exist.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> So if I beat my wife only once it's ok?


He SHOOK a woman, probably for all of 5 seconds, 10 tops, to get her to stop HER hysterical abuse. Sorry, not buying it.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

Actually I'm not calling him a liar. I'm accepting what he said at face value.

But you are right, I am seeing a lot of stuff that is utterly irresponsible advice being given to various BS's that seems to say anything at all is justified so long as you get back at your WS.

I'm totally on the side of all of the BS's here but I am different in that I think they need to maintain some integrity in what they say and do. Most absolutely do and that is a great thing but some beat their chests and claim the higher moral ground all the while getting down in the mud and using tactics that are in some cases worse than the infidelity that caused it all.

I know it is a hard sell on this forum but the reality is there are some things worse than a cheating spouse. Physical abuse is one of them. I guess I do draw a hard line in the sand on it. I don't think there is an acceptable level of assault by a man on a woman that is ok. Same thing the other way around. A woman has no right at any time to assault a man.

That said I'm perfectly fine with a BS beating the crap out of the AP if they are the same sex. That should almost be encouraged.

Now when I grew up, if I acted out as a child, I got a spanking. Now that I'm older I understand why. My parents did not abuse me. so please understand if I don't see a parent raising their voice to a child as something they need to be protected from. In fact, in todays climate of raising entitled brats, I think it needs to happen more often.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

I don't recall him telling us the exact amount of time he shook her Turnera. I may have missed it I guess.

For the record, how many seconds of assault are acceptable? 5? 10? 60? Is ok to assault someone so long as you do it quickly? What exactly are you saying there?


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> It matters not at all how you define it. The laws says it's assault.


Yes, yes it does, as the law calls it battery and not assault. Assault is a verbal threat and battery is the physical harm, so technically her yelling (and his in return) could both be considered assault, not the shaking.

If you are going to play arm chair lawyer and judge everyone, then at least get the terminology and charges correct! You are doing like you did in Blacksmith's thread which is make claims about things that people are "ignoring" as you say and then requesting they back their claims while you are making counterclaims but when asked for the proof kicking the burden back on them to defend their position and you defend yours naught and claim that it is the other person to prove their statements yet yours get to stand on their own.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Rubicon said:


> Actually I'm not calling him a liar. I'm accepting what he said at face value.
> 
> But you are right, I am seeing a lot of stuff that is utterly irresponsible advice being given to various BS's that seems to say anything at all is justified so long as you get back at your WS.
> 
> ...


I'm all for discipline, even physical discipline but, again, there is a stark difference between yelling (i.e. speaking, but loudly) at or even physically disciplining a child or children and _constantly screaming at them in a rage_. This is what OP described, and absolutely qualifies as emotional abuse.

Re-read this...



HappyHubby said:


> she is screaming insanely at my two boys - they are terrified. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour and yelled at her and shook her to stop. I apologized sincerely as it was wrong. I tried to also address her constant rages.. especially with the kids.. we sort of made up but not properly.. only had a few days before she left.


..and again...



HappyHubby said:


> ...*she is screaming insanely at my two boys* - they are terrified. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour...


...and again...



HappyHubby said:


> ...she is screaming insanely at my two boys - *they are terrified*. I had had enough of that abusive behaviour...


...and again...



HappyHubby said:


> she is screaming insanely at my two boys - they are terrified. *I had had enough of that abusive behaviour*...


I've lived this first-hand. I know what it's like, and I can tell you that it absolutely is abuse.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, so which position are you arguing?
Here's what you suggested at first:


> Ever heard of* battered wife syndrome????*
> 
> He openly stated he got *physically abusive* with her...... But she's the one with rage issues huh?





> So if I beat my wife only once it's ok?


Interesting.
So, when people say it isn't what you claimed above:
1) Battered Wife Syndrome.
2) Physically Abusive.
3) Beat his wife.

You change the argument to:


> So it's ok to rug sweep his *assault*?


Is it Battered woman syndrome, Physical Abuse, or anything near beating his wife as you suggested at first? Nope, not by what he stated. 


She wanted to leave, she has gone on visits, left for a few weeks, isn't kept from her family, talks to who she wants with no interference from her husband, Yet, somehow, as you implied, he has forced her to stay and heed his wishes with physical abuse causing an exit affair?

Nope, I m not buying what you are trying to sell.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> I don't recall him telling us the exact amount of time he shook her Turnera. I may have missed it I guess.
> 
> For the record, how many seconds of assault are acceptable? 5? 10? 60? Is ok to assault someone so long as you do it quickly? What exactly are you saying there?


I think the idea is that it happened in the amount of time that it took to stop the yelling and once the yelling stopped then the shaking stopped. It isn't necessarily acceptable but if the shaking was an action to stop/ calm the yelling, then it can in those instances be somewhat justified. If someone is in a hysterical state then sometimes without immediate access to drugs and medications a violent shaking or slapping action is the only thing that can work to bring someone to consciousness again.

In the states, disciplining by screaming at your child or spanking your child is considered abuse and can get your child removed from your home and custody. I don't believe that spanking or grounding is detrimental to their health and well being, but here it is a punishable crime. Some people don't share the same views as I do regarding this so it has become a veritable hotbed of discussion as to acceptable punishments for children.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Squeakr said:


> I think the idea is that it happened in the amount of time that it took to stop the yelling and once the yelling stopped then the shaking stopped. It isn't necessarily acceptable but if the shaking was an action to stop/ calm the yelling, then it can in those instances be somewhat justified. If someone is in a hysterical state then sometimes without immediate access to drugs and medications a violent shaking or slapping action is the only thing that can work to bring someone to consciousness again.
> 
> In the states, disciplining by screaming at your child or *spanking your child is considered abuse* and can get your child removed from your home and custody. I don't believe that spanking or grounding is detrimental to their health and well being, but here it is a punishable crime. Some people don't share the same views as I do regarding this so it has become a veritable hotbed of discussion as to acceptable punishments for children.


Not in all states, nor should it be, anywhere. There is a difference between physical discipline and physical abuse. But, as you say, this is a different argument, perhaps for a different time.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Not in all states, nor should it be, anywhere. There is a difference between physical discipline and physical abuse. But, as you say, this is a different argument, perhaps for a different time.


I have lived in several states ands in all of them it has been a punishable crime. Now whether charges will actually be brought in all cases is another story, but I have never seen a state that didn't consider it simple assault and/ or battery. I would be interested in which states don't view it as such (not just don't prosecute but actually still allow it), but I digress as like has been said it is another discussion for another time.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> I don't recall him telling us the exact amount of time he shook her Turnera. I may have missed it I guess.
> 
> For the record, how many seconds of assault are acceptable? 5? 10? 60? Is ok to assault someone so long as you do it quickly? What exactly are you saying there?


I'm saying that you are being ridiculous. I'm saying that it's hard to believe that if I'm screaming hysterically at my kids and frightening them and my H comes up to me and gets in front of me and looks at me and shakes me, it won't take more than about 5 seconds to break through my hysterical screaming and get me to realize I need to stop. And, once it happened, it would have NEVER OCCURRED TO ME that he was being 'abusive' or I was being 'assaulted.' In fact, if I had been doing that to my kids and they were becoming terrified of me, I would have thanked him afterward for snapping me out of it.

T/J over.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'll tell you why I am not calling it abuse then I am done with this derail. I've been on the business end of a reality changing shake and have used a shake as well. I literally folded someone over a table at work, I would have lost my job if I hit the guy, but a friend shook me and snapped me out of my rage. It was a completely irrational, in my mind it was warranted, rage. Yet, it wasn't worth losing my job over. He grabbed me, shook me violently and screamed in my face to calm down. All of us, including the guy I folded over the table, were laughing about it the next day. 


When I read your posts, I immediately pictured you envisioning Shaken Baby Syndrome or Rag-doll level shaking.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rubicon said:


> Are you people insane?
> 
> Ever heard of battered wife syndrome????
> 
> ...


From 1992 to 2001 I worked part time as a trauma chaplain in a local hospital. I also worked full time as a chaplain from 1992 till 1997 and we had a women's shelter for abused women and in a nursing home from 1997 till 2001.

I dealt with abused women, even pulled a husband off a wife as he was stabbing her with a knife, she had over 54 stab wounds.

To say that as a group we are insane is very insulting. There are many here on TAM who endured abuse in their homes by a parent or parents and or who suffered abuse in their marriages. Some I know about and do not have permission to share their stories.

Honestly, the OP shaking his wife did not strike me as wrong in the circumstance. Not something I would have done, but nontheless, it is very mild compared to what I have witnessed over the years. I had to deal with police, firemen and abulance workers after an irate father poured gasoline on himself and his two year old son and lit it, both the father and the two year died as police watched.

Suggesting that the OP find another way to deal with this other then shaking his wife would be more positive.

Others have said it, you seem to have an agenda here on TAM and if you would just tone it down you might end up getting some respect.

If you had reframed your point to say, OP, I think grabbing and shaking your wife was wrong and I suggest you don't do that in the future would have been a better approach.

OP don't touch your wife in the future. And Rubi chill down man.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

I hope everyone is having fun. I will comment later to provide some more context and detail. Just at work right now.

But in the meantime Ill just quickly say. I too dont agree that I should shake her. She is by no means a battered wife. She dishes out more than she gets in return.

She once gave me a mild concussion many years ago by launching a heavy toy at the back of my head. I was so angry that you know what I did to her? Nothing - except rip up her grad pictures... I have been beyond patient 98% of the time.

Her family even warned me when we first got together (in a joking way of course).. little did I know that they were quite serious. Her cousin, who is my good friend, wont speak to her because she has been raged on too many times - last time being the worst. 

Im not perfect but come on.. the world is not as simple as man=bad, woman=good . (Rubi)


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

> To say that as a group we are insane is very insulting.


OK, that got through to me, You are right, I cast a pretty wide net there and I was wrong to do that. I apologise to all who took offence. I wasn't referring to all TAM members, it was directed to the ones posting in the thread only and yet still I am wrong to do that. I'm sure nobody had anything but the best intentions.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Hey, count me in.

My ex would get in my face and yell at me at the top of her lungs, push me, throw stuff at me (once caught a cast iron frying pan in the noggin), and slap me silly.

Once I pushed her away from me to get away from her when she was slapping me repeatedly across the face. She threatened to call the cops. Oh, and I sure heard about it during the separation.

So count me in on the "guys who got abused and somehow got it turned around on them" camp.

But be careful man... I once was chatting up a cop and told him the story... he said I would have spent the night in jail and had a permanent record if she would have called the cops... and no way in hell would a judge take it seriously that a little girl beat me up.

So if it were to happen again, just walk away and file for separation.

Nice times we live in.


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## Rubicon (Jan 13, 2014)

> Im not perfect but come on.. the world is not as simple as man=bad, woman=good . (Rubi)


OK, I agree with that. I don't think it's so one sided that your completely wrong and she's completely right at all. It's just that nobody at all stood up and said "Hey, hitting her isn't right, you shouldn't have done that"

As it turns out, I guess I didn't either. What I think I end up doing though, is in an effort to establish some balance, I argue back by going as extreme in my rebuttal as those arguing with me do in theirs.

To minimise the physical aspect while embellishing the verbal aspect isn't fair to anyone, including you Happy. In fact, I think you get it more than some of your supporters here do.



> When I read your posts, I immediately pictured you envisioning Shaken Baby Syndrome or Rag-doll level shaking.


OK Philly, fair assessment, It's not how I'm seeing it but email being what it is I can understand fully why you would think this.



> If someone is in a hysterical state then sometimes without immediate access to drugs and medications a violent shaking or slapping action is the only thing that can work to bring someone to consciousness again.


Can you guys see why I might envision Squeakr pulling a Dexter like jab in the neck with a needle if he had access to Drugs and Medication because of what he said there? I'm sure that's not what he means but it is easy to think he is saying "It's ok to get physical if you can't drug her on the spot"

This might be the case for someone on a 5150 hold in an institution but if you think you can win an argument with your spouse this way your bat crap crazy.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> Can you guys see why I might envision Squeakr pulling a Dexter like jab in the neck with a needle if he had access to Drugs and Medication because of what he said there? I'm sure that's not what he means but it is easy to think he is saying "It's ok to get physical if you can't drug her on the spot"
> 
> This might be the case for someone on a 5150 hold in an institution but if you think you can win an argument with your spouse this way your bat crap crazy.


People in a rage are just like people in a medical hold sometimes. Thanks for insulting me and my character as I never said that is what I would do or that I condoned it nor offered it as an alternative, yet you have painted some picture that didn't exist or was never insinuated. I was stating for those that don't have the access and capabilities to correctly administer such doses of medication/ drugs, that this is a way to bring them back to their senses.

Glad that you are the bastion of good and acceptable behavior. Guess the world would be better place if we had more people like you to go around and randomly insult and shame/ negatively characterize people to change their views, as you feel that you know what is good and right and that is the only proper way to do things. 

I am not nor have I ever been a serial, deranged person like Dexter, just stated that if drugs and medication weren't available sometimes this is the only immediate way to return someone to their senses, but thank for characterizing me as such and painting that picture.

Ever been in such a heated situation as combat, where one does what it takes to bring people back to reality when fear or rage have taken over their conscienceness? If no then stop with the psychoanalyzing and negative characterization of people that have and have done what is necessary for the times and situations.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

...and _juuuuust_ as I was about to post... "Squeakr, don't take the bait."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rubicon said:


> OK, I agree with that. I don't think it's so one sided that your completely wrong and she's completely right at all. It's just that nobody at all stood up and said "Hey, hitting her isn't right, you shouldn't have done that"


We didn't have to. He said in the next sentence that he shouldn't have, and that he apologized.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> ...and _juuuuust_ as I was about to post... "Squeakr, don't take the bait."


That's okay, I am just another helpless and stupid man that goes around randomly beating up and controlling innocent women since I have been wronged by my WW and not the intelligent, mild-mannered and moral, disabled veteran that I am in all actuality. 

Heck maybe he is onto something here and I am actually Bruce Banner or Dr. Jeckyll and just have never realized it as my alter ego has blocked out those actions from my memory and consciousness????


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

If you were curious as to why she was so angry that day, this is why:

Her cousin was in town and needed a ride to the airport. It was a saturday but I was working at home to earn extra money so we could move out as soon as possible. She thought I was going to go for the ride to the airport with her but it wasnt possible. I told her I couldnt and she flipped out.. she ran off to get the kids ready and started screaming at them as loud as I think a human can. Everyone that was around was in shock. Often times when she's in these states she IS physical with them and I get worried. So I rushed over to the other side of the house and I saw her state and the looks on the kids faces and did what I did. Obviously I made the situation worse for the kids but thats what happened..

She is not all monster though. She has a good heart, can be sweet and loving and is actually always encouraging and supportive. She has never made me doubt her loyalty at any point until now which is why its so shocking to me and everyone that heard. She had only been with 3 guys before me.. I was 4.. and its probably number 5 with OM.. Id put it at 2% chance they didn't do it.

I want to tell her I know.. should I just do it over the phone before she comes back on the 14th.. or wait? Waiting sucks.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Rubicon said:


> To minimise the physical aspect while embellishing the verbal aspect isn't fair to anyone, including you Happy. In fact, I think you get it more than some of your supporters here do.


 See, this is why these derail happen. You know what embellishment is? It is a nice way to say someone is lying about their story. You are assuming he exaggerated her screaming into "abusive," while down playing his "abusive" actions. Could it be true? Sure. Could he also be down playing what she did? Sure. 
You now what is 100% factual? We do not know what story is correct. Like I said, I see it differently. He has never stopped her from visiting family or friends. He doesn't keep her in town. He doesn't control who she calls. I see more things that imply he is a beta provider, I hate that term, than an abusive man.





> Can you guys see why I might envision Squeakr pulling a Dexter like jab in the neck with a needle if he had access to Drugs and Medication because of what he said there? I'm sure that's not what he means but it is easy to think he is saying "It's ok to get physical if you can't drug her on the spot"
> 
> This might be the case for someone on a 5150 hold in an institution but if you think you can win an argument with your spouse this way your bat crap crazy.


No, I can't see your side because you develop these weird scenarios. He never once intimated he was trying to win an argument. He felt her screaming at the kids reached an abusive level, she became irrational and he shook her. Sad thing is, no one, nope not one single person, said it was right. What we did was say your escalation of his act was wrong.

Yet, since we disagreed with your version of events we are now his supporters. Toning it down won't help, you have to stop with these accusation when people disagree with you.


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

And I know there is nothing going on between them anymore because I have the inside scoop that she doesnt know I have. He is majorly into this girl that he's with (he used to be with her, screwed it up and now has her back).. he told her that she was the best he ever had. (this girl had a 5 year long relationship with someone when she started boinking this guy the first time, got back together with her long term boyfriend.. got bored of him and is now back with this dirtbag again. nice girl).


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## HappyHubby (Aug 16, 2012)

And dont read into what I wrote above as oh so im happy hes not into her so now I can have my wife back.. obviously thats an awful thought. but its just a fact in case you were wondering if they were still messing around.. 

there is no one else right now.. just me and her and the decisions I need to make.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HappyHubby said:


> And dont read into what I wrote above as oh so im happy hes not into her so now I can have my wife back.. obviously thats an awful thought. but its just a fact in case you were wondering if they were still messing around..
> 
> there is no one else right now.. just me and her and the decisions I need to make.


Not sure why you'd think that having a girlfriend would keep OM from seeing your WW on the sly. After all, she has a husband (and children), and was OK w/ seeing him on the sly.

Remind us -- how far away is she and when is she supposed to come back? Maybe arrange to spontaneously show up there a day or so early. You may learn a lot.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

I have not read all of this thread but a good portion if it. My conclusion - your wife is garbage. How far off am I? Forgive yourself for your mistake of marrying her and move on.

People here are giving you good advice on how to go about the divorce. Encourage her dream of being single and free and tell her you will help her by taking full custody of your kids. For your self respect, once the settlements are in place and the divorce is final, explain to her your final assessment of what the real problem in your marriage was...which is (the 4 word phrase after "my conclusion" above).
Never deviate from this conclusion afterwards.

Sound too simpliitic? Show me where I'm wrong....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

HappyHubby said:


> I want to tell her I know.. should I just do it over the phone before she comes back on the 14th.. or wait? Waiting sucks.


So you're determined to sweep this under the rug? If you don't get FULL DISCLOSURE from her, you're just rugsweeping and will just end up in False R.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

HappyHubby said:


> And dont read into what I wrote above as oh so im happy hes not into her so now I can have my wife back.. obviously thats an awful thought. but its just a fact in case you were wondering if they were still messing around..
> 
> there is no one else right now.. just me and her and the decisions I need to make.


What decisions are those?


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> What decisions are those?


I was wondering the same thing... HH the title of your post is "Exit Affair confirmed. Best strategy for self respect?" Your wife is a POS. The ONLY reason she is still around is cause you are Plan B. How can you have self respect when you stay with a woman who has no respect for you?

You have two choices:

Take the blue pill and go into false R under some deluded premise that this woman still cares about you.

Take the red pill and keep your self respect (as you asked originally to do) by dumping her now. 

You are the safe choice NOT her first choice. Do you REALLY want to be with someone only because they couldn't replace you? Where is the self respect in that???


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Please stop condoning and defending your wife bahaviour and try to see the full picture objetively and not just her current desire for amending things.

let see the facts.

for months she wanted to leave you and even the kids, she treated you like sh*t, she cheated on you physically and emotinaly (yes dude please just accept it already even the OM accepted it and believe me he just revealed the tip of the iceberg to her current GF because he knew she would not fall for the line "o no we did nothing physically even when we were weeks alone just the both of us"), for what you say even her past bahaviour was not good as she have attacked you physically, she reacts with rage as common ocurrence towards you and the kids, and now suddendly she becomes the perfect wife, really?, tell me what changed? did you change something in you?, No right, you are the same man you were some months ago when she was in hurry to throw you like garbage, the difference is that POSOM does not want anything with her now, you talk of regaining respect, but how if you are even accepting her lies of nothing physically happening, she keep trying to make you a fool by lying to you and trying to minimize the damage of what she did, she is not concerned in you as partner who she loves and wants to heal, she is concerned in herslef trying lose the less she can now that POSOM is out of the picture.

BetrayedDAD has given you some really good advices, your current situation is very similar of what he went throught even regarding the fact that his wife wanted out of the relationship abondoning everything and suddendly she was a good wife who had seen the light (yeah sure, guess what her POSOM was also out of the picture at the time of her revelation), he did the best for him and he keep uncovering lies just as you are doing and that just reafirmed that his decission was the right one.

believe me if you want to delude yourself you will be able to do it in the end, and you may even come to believe that the 2% you talk about is the reality and as long as you dont keep diging for the true you can have a "remorseful wife" who just had an "emotional affair" and that "always loved you as first choice even if she was confused and wanted to leave even the kids".


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

HappyHubby said:


> And I know there is nothing going on between them anymore because I have the inside scoop that she doesnt know I have. He is majorly into this girl that he's with (he used to be with her, screwed it up and now has her back).. he told her that she was the best he ever had. (this girl had a 5 year long relationship with someone when she started boinking this guy the first time, got back together with her long term boyfriend.. *got bored of him and is now back with this dirtbag again. nice girl).*


 So your wife, this guy and his girlfriend/ex are all cheaters, but you think he is going to leave your wife alone because he has the original cheater back?

Hmm this is why some people say there is a betrayed fog as well. Marriage didn't stop the cheating, how is being boyfriend and girlfriend, with no vows I might add, going to suddenly change his behavior?


HappyHubby said:


> And dont read into what I wrote above as oh so im happy hes not into her so now I can have my wife back.. obviously thats an awful thought. *but its just a fact in case you were wondering if they were still messing around..
> 
> there is no one else right now.. just me and her and the decisions I need to make*.


I don't need to read anything into your posts. You don't have the inside scoop into anything. How is it you had NO CLUE he was doing your wife, but suddenly you have special sooper sekret information that proves your version of events.

Well, we will be here for you when you need help again, when this happens again.


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