# The subject of sex



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

This past weekend, on our last scheduled sex night, H ended up having an asthma attack, I think. Note: we have sex the same night each week, and if it's not that night, it's the following morning, not very romantic, I know, but it's at least something. He wasn't really exerting much effort except for moving his arms, but it was too much for him. He's been feeling sick since shortly after we started dating. Actually, I don't remember a time he felt well. Lately it's been much worse, and he's been doctor hopping on his Mom's and sister's recommendations, and has been feeling "tickly" inside his abdomen/back (he calls his back his abdomen, so I'm not really sure where this feeling resides). Any ideas what this could be? He thinks it's a yeast infection, but he breaths like he's run a marathon when this feeling kicks in. His Mom and sis have suggested he go gluten free, and cut out certain foods, but he'll do this for a meal a day, so I don't really think it's helping. It's kind of sucking that this is starting to affect our already sad sex life!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ursula said:


> Any ideas what this could be?


While I don't exactly have any ideas I do know that sexual activity will cause one to breath much deeper and faster than normal. So let me ask a question...

If your husband has asthma attacks, does this also tend to happen when he exerts himself in areas other than at home (like outside or at a gym)? If not then perhaps there is something about the air quality in your home that is irritating your husband. In this case I would strongly suggest running an air filter and checking your indoor humidity levels. It can also be helpful to have your central AC serviced (if you have one). Condenser coils stay perpetually wet, and if any dust has accumulated in this area it can be a thriving area for mold to grow. 

While this sounds strange, also pay attention to your cooking habits. If you cook with any spicy such as red pepper flakes:










Heating and stir frying with these on your stove can release oils into the air that to some people may feel like pepper gas was recently sprayed in that area. 

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Have his doctors had anything to say?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I wonder if he's using the health issues as an excuse. 
In your previous threads, you mentioned his lack of experience and that he is a bad student, so things didn't go well before? 
If the emotional connection isn't right, the anxieties may cause potential problems. 

What would be the ideal sex life that you wish you could both have? 
What would be your answer? What would be his? 

Inexperience in the bedroom means usually research and communication is really important, so try making that an activity that you two can do together. It could get him more excited and eager to learn. 




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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey BadSanta,

It happens when he cleans. We split chores, I do the sweeping and floor washing; he does dusting and vacuuming. He IS allergic to dust, and dogs, both of which exist in our house. The dogs though, he's gotten used to. I would also assume it happens when exercising, although he doesn't do this often. We have a great home heating and A/C system, and the filters get cleaned every 2-3 months. We tend to keep the house a little more on the humid side of things, especially in the winter. 

Cooking... we both love spicy food, so spices are used quite a bit! But, that is nothing new. 

Thanks for the suggestions! I'll check the filters when I get home tonight.



badsanta said:


> While I don't exactly have any ideas I do know that sexual activity will cause one to breath much deeper and faster than normal. So let me ask a question...
> 
> If your husband has asthma attacks, does this also tend to happen when he exerts himself in areas other than at home (like outside or at a gym)? If not then perhaps there is something about the air quality in your home that is irritating your husband. In this case I would strongly suggest running an air filter and checking your indoor humidity levels. It can also be helpful to have your central AC serviced (if you have one). Condenser coils stay perpetually wet, and if any dust has accumulated in this area it can be a thriving area for mold to grow.
> 
> ...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Not really. He's been to medi centre docs who have sent him to an ENT (ear, nose, throat doc). Nothing came out of that. The most recent was an allergy test at a brand new doctor, and his Mom has said that he's allergic to almost everything that they tested for (6 or 8 things), but only 1 came up with a positive reaction. I think he's planning on going to a proper allergist at some point.



uhtred said:


> Have his doctors had anything to say?


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey MrsAldi,

That could very well be it, but I don't think he was making up the breathing troubles last weekend; they were genuine. But, it could also be stress-related. And yes, he lacks experience; after 4 years of "practice", he still considers himself new to the world of sex. 

Idea sex life for me would be more spontaneous and less strictly planned. It would be enjoyable for both of us, and not so forced. His answer would probably be much the same, and we talked about that in the past, but can't seem to get away from the bad habits we've fallen into. 

And yes, I've mentioned doing some research together, but that hasn't worked well to implement. We've also tried the communication tactic, but I find that he's just too excited, and doesn't really pay attention, so he has to be reminded every time, which kind of kills it for me. Might be worth bringing up again, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that without damaging his ego!



MrsAldi said:


> I wonder if he's using the health issues as an excuse.
> In your previous threads, you mentioned his lack of experience and that he is a bad student, so things didn't go well before?
> If the emotional connection isn't right, the anxieties may cause potential problems.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Certainly some people who want to avoid sex use feeling poorly as an excuse - often as an excuse to themselves. 

One possible way to tell - do his health issues limit other things that he wants to do or do they seem to crop up only when he is considering sex? I know that my wife uses tiredness / ill-health as the reason for not wanting sex at any particular time, but those rarely stop her from doing other things that she wants to do. 

Note that even if his health only affects sex, it may not be intentional. Sometimes when people don't know why they don't want sex, they will identify that feeling as a physical problem. Also if he finds sex emotionally stressful, stress can cause a wide variety of symptoms. 





MrsAldi said:


> I wonder if he's using the health issues as an excuse.
> In your previous threads, you mentioned his lack of experience and that he is a bad student, so things didn't go well before?
> If the emotional connection isn't right, the anxieties may cause potential problems.
> 
> ...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Ursula said:


> He IS allergic to dust, and dogs, both of which exist in our house.


If he is allergic to pet dander and you have a central AC, then there is no escaping that in the house. 

I would suggest you isolate one room in the house if possible. Close off the central A/C vents and buy a window unit air conditioner and a small space heater. Have the room professionally cleaned, put an air purifier in it and keep that area off limits to the dogs. Preferably try to do this with a room such as the master bedroom where you husband sleeps. 

Back to the topic of sex... If you are able, try to engage in very slow, gentle, and relaxing sex with your husband to prevent heavy breathing. If vigorous stimulation is desires, try to find some adult novelties that will do the work for you such as a vibrator or body wand. Sex can actually be very profound when you try to relax and breath slowly. So that could be fun.

The combination of those two things would likely improve the quality of life and your relationship. 

Badsanta


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Does he have diagnosed asthma? What medication does he take for it?

If he over weight? Do either of you smoke? 
You said he doesn't feel good, what other symptoms does he have? I don't understand the tickly inside his abdomen/back I don't understand what that means.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Both of us could stand to lose 5-10 lbs, but neither of us are obese. He has exercise-induced asthma (diagnosed), and uses inhalers for that, but has run out and hasn't filled the Rx again. Neither of us are smokers.
Other symptoms include: fatigue, lethargy, and just an overall feeling of grossness. He's been feeling this way for years apparently, and just recently started looking into it within the last 6 months or so.



katiecrna said:


> Does he have diagnosed asthma? What medication does he take for it?
> 
> If he over weight? Do either of you smoke?
> You said he doesn't feel good, what other symptoms does he have? I don't understand the tickly inside his abdomen/back I don't understand what that means.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Both of us could stand to lose 5-10 lbs, but neither of us are obese. He has exercise-induced asthma (diagnosed), and uses inhalers for that, but has run out and hasn't filled the Rx again. Neither of us are smokers.
> 
> Other symptoms include: fatigue, lethargy, and just an overall feeling of grossness. He's been feeling this way for years apparently, and just recently started looking into it within the last 6 months or so.




Anything with his bowels? Constipation, diarrhea, belly pain? 

He should of course always have a rescue inhaler on hand.
And I would always start with try eating better and exercising more. One of the best things couples can do, is after dinner, fill up a water bottle and go for a walk together and dont come back till the water bottle is empty. No cell phones, just you 2. There is nothing better than fresh air, exercise, water, and connecting with your spouse just you 2. Honestly this is one of the best habits you can do as a couple. 

If he is getting asthma attacks from "lazy" sex, which is what you describe here, then he is either incredible out of shape, and/or his asthma is not under control.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Ursula said:


> Hey MrsAldi,
> 
> That could very well be it, but I don't think he was making up the breathing troubles last weekend; they were genuine. But, it could also be stress-related. And yes, he lacks experience; after 4 years of "practice", he still considers himself new to the world of sex.


Aside from the health issues, sometimes it can take people a while to gain experience, myself included, I still consider myself a student! 

If you have more experience, you might have to take the lead, as women it's more difficult, you worry about your body etc so I would suggest that you work on your own self esteem first, then with the confidence you can take control and guide him. 



> Idea sex life for me would be more spontaneous and less strictly planned. It would be enjoyable for both of us, and not so forced. His answer would probably be much the same, and we talked about that in the past, but can't seem to get away from the bad habits we've fallen into.


Which type of bad habits? 
Same positions?

You can change this, if he lacks experience in a certain area, like positions, do trial versions even if it's in your clothes, sometimes you have to tell the person exactly how to position their bodies etc. 
You can do it when sex is not scheduled, so perhaps you will both be relaxed and perhaps it won't feel forced. 



> And yes, I've mentioned doing some research together, but that hasn't worked well to implement. We've also tried the communication tactic, but I find that he's just too excited, and doesn't really pay attention, so he has to be reminded every time, which kind of kills it for me. Might be worth bringing up again, but I'm not sure how to go about doing that without damaging his ego!


Yes, I've been here, still working on it! 
Explaining things, I don't know, try it casually during dinner or on date nights, he might pay more attention than right before sex. 

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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Ursula said:


> He wasn't really exerting much effort except for moving his arms, but it was too much for him.


He moves his arms and nothing else?

My arms are about the only thing that _doesn't_ move during sex.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

browser said:


> He moves his arms and nothing else?
> 
> My arms are about the only thing that _doesn't_ move during sex.


 You should move your arms! 
Hold on, in case you fall off or something! 

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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> You should move your arms!
> Hold on, in case you fall off or something!


I hold on, usually to her hips if it's from behind, and if it's missionary style then I'm using them to supporting myself.

I'm certainly not waving them around like a cheerleader.


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