# Seperated for one year, wife wants a divorce..what now?



## macvspc (Jul 8, 2011)

Hello,

Married for 10yrs together for 12. W is 12 years older. We have two young children - 8 and 6. Our marriage has had nits "normal" ups and downs. Back in 2007 I discovered my wife had been having an internet affair with a former lover. I confronted her, after talking with a counselor, and she disclosed that this is someone from her past and has been in contact w/him throughout our marriage. "He knows we are happily married. I asked her to do what she thought was right for this marriage and she broke it off.

In January of 2010, my wife told me she was tired of the way I have been treating her and was going to visit her family in another state w/o me during the summer. "I need time to think about our marriage," she said. My actions of being unloving at times put us in a 3 to 4 moth cycle of anger throughout our marriage. I would give and give and then get tired and stop and we would go weeks w/o touching each other. I know what my problem is and immediately starting working on it.

Then in May of 2010 my wife announced she was done w/our marriage and my stupid mistake was to agree and that we needed to decide what to keep and sell as we split. THIS IS NOT WHAT I WANTED! But in my anger and shock I fired back. I discovered in June of 2010 that she had reconnected with the OM from her past. Confronted her and asked her to stop. She agreed she had made a big mess of this but did not say anything about stopping. She took the children to her family as promised and left me at the home. I suffered those two weeks w/o them. We then met up as a family and I assumed she would have thought about our marriage and have an answer. "I don't know if I want to save this marriage and if you keep asking me I will give you an answer you are not going to like." She stayed in contact w/OM and shared that he tells me nice things.

We separated after arriving home with me stating I wanted a divorce because of the affair and how angry I was w/her. Visited an attorney and came back to see her to share what we should do next. 

Jump ahead to April of 2011. We had agreed to MC and attended 4 sessions. In the last session we both agreed w/counselors to take divorce off the table and commit to working on our marriage. A week and a day later my wife says she wants a divorce.

I have tried for the last year to improve myself in the loving areas that I had be lacking - touch, listening, sharing feelings, forgiving and apologizing. I have used books like, "The Love Dare," "I Don't Want a Divorce: 90 Day Guide to Saving a Marriage." I went to both IC and MC. 

I know the things I expressed, divorce no divorce confused her and caused more anger, but I don't want a divorce. 

I have moved on to used Mort Fertel's Tele-Boot Camp. I agree with his statement that actions speak louder than words and fast is slow;slow is fast. My behavior has been more loving and caring especially in front of children. She has told friends I am playing a game and said to me I am manipulating her. But this is the real me. I learned from my mistakes and making progress towards new loving habits. 

What should I do?


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## macvspc (Jul 8, 2011)

To, follow up, I agree that I have made mistakes during this separation. I looked through her laptop for messages and journal - WRONG of me. I also talked with friends and coworkers about this situation. Some people would say you need to talk about it but I feel guilty.

Her mom knows about her decision and we have a great relationship. But I know that parents will not leave their children and will stand behind whatever move my W makes.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I feel your pain I really do. Unfortunately it's likely all just too little too late. Just let her go.


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