# Wife is letting herself kinda go



## Moby_Medic (Apr 28, 2009)

Hi I just joined been reading the posts for about a week. And now I've got a few questions of my own. Me and my wife have been married about a year and half now. When we first started dating we would go out of our way to look presentable. Now after a year and a half I don't expect her to spend hours getting ready to go to walmart to do grocery shopping. But lately she just been letting herself go. She doesn't shave unless she wears shorts or a sleeveless top. Doesn't always put that much effort into her makeup any more unless shes going out with friends or to work. Now I know sometimes I'm not much better. I shave before my shift and get a hair cut maybe every 3 months. Our sex life is kinda going down the drain at the moment. It just seems like shes not trying anymore besides the other stuff she hates to wear anything revealing at most its an old t shirt with a few holes. It's not that she doesn't want to have sex she is always dropping hints. It's me who doesn't. I know it comes down to to us talking. But her appearance is a very touchy subject for her. Shes overweight, has been since we've been together and tends to take anything I say the wrong way. Any suggestions on what to say or how to say it? I've always told her I'd love her no matter what including what she looks like. But this is just going too far.


----------



## martino (May 12, 2008)

I wouldn't sit her down and have a talk. I would just improve your own appearance as much as possible, and if she says anything about her own like: "Man I need to shave my legs" readily agree with her. Touchy subject.


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Dude,

I do not know you, but time to sit her down and explain quality. The term quality is very important, my wife 28 yrs married with 2 grown adults still shops at hollisters and fits in size 5-7. Why many of my duaghter friends thinks mom is her sister, damm missy your sister is hot "you are disgusting she is my mom". 

You got to do the an slapdown on her. What is up woman, I want to go out tonight with a tramp and bed a tramp tonight.

weight not an issue, tell that to the sex godess's with weight out there now.

Tell her you want a tramp in public and a lady in bed.

I am here to help.


----------



## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

reidqa01 said:


> Tell her you want a tramp in public and a lady in bed.
> 
> I am here to help.



I don't know, I want a lady in public and a tramp in bed...not the other way around .


----------



## reidqa01 (Apr 26, 2009)

Husband,

Agreed but a tramp attracts other males, and nothing like being a dominate male amongst others.

My wife 2 years ago, got tramped out.

As she walked into a a bar "2 business men commented my god I am in love".

Now that is sexual excitement.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Ive found myself slacking in my relationship, too. I used to get dressed up and look nice. but what's the point anymore?? im not going to get dressed up just to sit around the house. ive come to the conclusion that my H and I have stopped 'dating' each other. we're too comfortable. we dont go out to any place that i would need to get dressed up. so maybe you could take her out. give her a reason to get dressed up. i know its something my H and I need to work on. 

also, my H just bought a pull up bar and he does pushups all the time. ive found myself using it now, too, just because he's looking really good and it inspires me.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Moby_Medic-

I beg to differ. I have never been a fan of women shaving. why should they? If she wants sex more than you, it says that you are interested in appearances, whereas she is interested in ACTION.

But... I suppose you are more of a visual person, and she is more of a touchy-feely type. I am the touchy-feely type, so I can totally understand where she is coming from. It was only after reading the article below that I realised that I needed to tune into my wife's language.

See: "Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


----------



## Moby_Medic (Apr 28, 2009)

Thank you for the help. I guess I should restate part of what I wrote earlier as far as the reveling I don't mean out in public. I mean more in the way lingerie to bed. And yes I know I shouldn't let appearance stop our intimacy and I try not to. I married her because of whats on the inside and 40 -50 years from now that's whats going to count. But try as might it still would be nice to see her put a little effort in. I'm going to try as well. Thanks again for all the help. I'm sure I'll be back I want good marriage and I'll take any help I can get.


----------



## Lavender (May 14, 2008)

Theres Lots of reasons " Women let thereselfs go"

first one might be there being there tue self in front of the one man they assume they can be there true self in front of .. women feel there husbands boyfriends love them for who they truly are so its due to comfort ... other reasons 

Developed Insecurity Issue .. you may not even Know about will dramatically affect female appearance

Inspiration.. Like Blanca said.. FOR WHAT.. to walk around the house ?? If you dont have plans to be going somewhere in particular you feel no need to dress to impress.. shes already did that so to speak Now shes comfortable assuming you are with her..

Stress.. fatigue .. Drama. Laziness lol etc . Too many issues to mention can be behind a womans choice to be COMFORTABLE .. 

My Husband has complimented me on days of laziness Just like with days of effort at diffrent times.. do you compliment her only when shes made up so to speak? just curiousssss


----------



## Moby_Medic (Apr 28, 2009)

Well Lavender I do try to complement her and mean it. I guess I came here to just not only vent but to see what every one else had to say. After seeing what all has been said I think I'm going to just let it go. It's not worth hurting her over something that is no big deal. I've looked past whole lot when we met and fell in love with her and I guess I just lost what really matters. Once again thanks everybody for your help and opinions.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Moby_Medic-
If you're blessed with a wife that likes sex, you should read up all you can and become the best lover in the world. I'm still learning


----------



## JustYakkin (Apr 29, 2009)

As a woman, may I suggest something a woman would respond to.
*Plan a date night, tell her your planning something special take her to dinner (or even bring home take out) Add that your looking foward to seeing her all gussied (note: I said gussied, not hussied ) up for the ocation, ask her to wear a skirt or dress.
*After dinner present her with a nice piece of laungera (refrain from purchasing a g string and pasties) pick something that is sexy, something she wont feel folish wearing. 
*She will have shaved her legs (becuase you asked her to wear a skirt) use possitive reinforcement and tell her how much you love the feel of her soft skin as you touch her legs. I am sure you can figure out the rest from here.
*Dont do what my husaband did last week, he asked me if I owend a razor ---- I asked him if he owened a tooth brush,  he's such a jerk.


----------



## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

I have a similar problem to you. Gf that let herself go, and along with the weight gain came insecurity and self-loathing. Never allowed to see her naked, and sex maybe every 2 or 3 months, always in pitch dark, and just to shut me up.

No matter how much I loved her (and showed it), she didn't believe me. She didn't like herself, so how could anyone else.

In our specific case, what turned it around was proper motivation. She was asked to chair a formal event for her college, and decided that she wanted to look good for it. She worked very hard and she made good progress. The positive results also returned to other aspects of our lives (more outdoor activities, more confidence)

Sometimes its not the message, its the messenger. Sadly, it is unlikely that you (husband, boyfriend...) can say "you've let yourself go" and she will process that comment objectively, knowing you have her best interests at heart.

As has been said, the other most successful way is to lead by example. If you BOTH are guilty of letting yourselves go, then be the one who changes. Start going to the gym, and when you look and feel and act happier, she will hopefully want to join in. If you are lucky, someone she DOES listen to will notice your change and say something like "wow, Moby is looking great lately!".

Don't bother with lectures, or other rational arguments. This is not a rational issue, its an emotional one.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

I am a woman who let myself go... know why?

I don't want to have sex with my husband... or anyone. I want to not have anyone look at me and think sex at all.
Gaining weight helps cushion me from it. I hope the way I look affends my husband because then he will not want to have sex with me.
Just being honest... but he grosses me out because of many of his personal issues and lack of communication.
ugh


----------



## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Welcome to marriage!

Now that you live in the same house with her, you get to / have to see her true daily rhythm. I imagine that when you were dating, she took special effort to put on something nice, without holes in it and to shave herself and all that stuff. She did that 'for dates' (even if they were three days long), but you can bet that when you weren't around, she relaxed in whatever was comfortable, didn't put on the makeup and didn't shave if she didn't want to. 

Now that you are married, to maintain all that 100% of the time would be nearly impossible. There are a special few women and men that can do that, but most people can't and don't and don't want to. It's like the way you behave at home versus in a restaurant. If you move into the restaurant, well, now that's home. And anyone who only ever saw you at the restaurant might be a bit surprised to see how much more "laid back" you are when you're in "home-mode". It's part of being married. This is how it goes. That's why you better darn well like whoever you marry, because, after the honeymoon, you're going to have to get past the hairy pits, the farts, the sweaty balls, the scruffy beard, the holey t-shirts, a few extra pounds, and the bad morning breath to still find enough attraction to love and make love.

Sounds to me that you're just dealing with marital "I can relax" now. Put your own feet up and find a way to get past your 'yuck' factor. Shaving and plucking and push-up bras are a pain in the ass. Do it for a while and you, too, will find yourself letting go a bit at the first chance. 

If you want to see your woman looking pretty and done-up for you, then take your woman out to somewhere nice (and let her know with enough time for her to primp). Otherwise, leave the girl alone. LOL.



> I've looked past whole lot when we met and fell in love with her


I'd be curious what you meant by this, though. If you feel that you've already made all sorts of compromises in marrying her (because she somehow was not your ideal mate), then I can see why you are feeling resentful that she fell even one tiny notch lower below what you married. But that's partly your fault for marrying her if accepting her weight (or whatever it was that you "looked past") was that much of a compromise to you. It gives her zero wiggle room to drop down the notch or two that everyone drops when they get married and get "comfortable".


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Now that you are married, to maintain all that 100% of the time would be nearly impossible. There are a special few women and men that can do that, but most people can't and don't and don't want to. It's like the way you behave at home versus in a restaurant. If you move into the restaurant, well, now that's home. And anyone who only ever saw you at the restaurant might be a bit surprised to see how much more "laid back" you are when you're in "home-mode". It's part of being married. This is how it goes. That's why you better darn well like whoever you marry, because, after the honeymoon, you're going to have to get past the hairy pits, the farts, the sweaty balls, the scruffy beard, the holey t-shirts, a few extra pounds, and the bad morning breath to still find enough attraction to love and make love.


:iagree: With your whole post 

However, I have to say, since I turned 40 I started making more of an effort -!when I remember!- and it really can be like being 18 again at times


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> Why do people do this?


If you widen the definition of letting yourself go to "letting the marriage go", I think we all do it at some point.

A lot of marriages are on tick-over. It's OK for a short period of time. But over a longer period you end up in the ditch. Also the two things are closely related. Take me. I did not realise that getting my hair cut was so important to my wife. But by not taking an interest in my appearance I was offending her eye. She is very visual. I am more interested in people's tone of voice.

The pinnacle of marriage is reached when both spouses go out of their way to make the other happy. It happens at the beginning of a relationship partly out of infatuation, and partly out of the desire to court the other. But when it starts happening again 15-20 years later, it totally different: We start to realise that beyond chemistry and type, we can actually choose to make a good marriage. Any couple can do this; results will vary, but it will always be a step in the right direction. If only I had known then what I know now. If only!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I completely agree that we all tend to let the marriage go at some point. However, I was specifically referring to personal health and hygiene. What is it that triggers that mode of no longer caring about essentials such as shaving, clean, neat clothing, kempt hair, etc...?


Ah but... If I recall correctly, the original post was about the woman not shaving. I don't particularly like women shaving! (A little trimming is OK) So for me it does not come under the heading of "letting oneself go" or hygiene. Again, neat clothing and clean clothing are two different things.

But I realize I am in a minority here - but not a minority of one


----------



## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

I'm speaking only of my own experiences here, but I don't feel like getting dressed up every day just to sit around the house and do nothing. I love my husband to death, but I can't remember the last time he asked me out on a date, or came up with any idea of things we could do together. If he did that, you bet I would get all dressed up - I would be really excited about it! I don't see the point of putting forth a bunch of effort to woo him with my looks if he's not going to woo me like we were dating, kwim? It does work both ways.

That being said, it's not ok to not take care of oneself at all. Not having general hygiene and letting yourself look homeless all the time is not ok. But it is ok to just not want to get dressed up every day, kwim?


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

all I would have to do is rub cheetos on me, my husband wouldn't care if I weighed 250 pounds if I tasted like a cheeto.


----------



## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Moby_Medic-
> 
> I beg to differ. I have never been a fan of women shaving. why should they? If she wants sex more than you, it says that you are interested in appearances, whereas she is interested in ACTION.
> 
> ...


ohhh yikes really?! I mean to each their own for sure I can respect that...just can't imagine crawling in bed w/a woman that had enough hair to battle the amount you the man had on your body. But as I said...to each their own.

My ex was a hairy man, but he kept that business in check and taken care of.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

If my dh wanted me to look better in a particular "department" then I would listen. 

I am not a proponent of any woman (or man) running around in holey t-shirts, sloppy stained clothing, or such. Yuck! Often I see women and men running around in stores (and even fairly nice restaurants) looking like something the darn cat dragged in! 

I am not saying a woman of four small children needs to have her hair meticulously done and makeup on to run to the store and get diapers and milk but honestly I see some of these women who look like pigs, dragging their piggy children along - no hair brushed, dirty clothes! 

There is no excuse for unwashed and done hair, unshaved armpits and legs, (or face for men or getting a haircut on a regular basis) other than 'don't feel like it" or plain lazy. 

Looking good as much as possible around the husband is important, as if you care about HIS opinion and need for 'hot looking'. You can't run around all day in sweats, not shave your legs, no shower, and then wonder why dh says: "Uh, I'm tired tonite, Sweetie..." I

am not saying you can't have bedhead at the a.m. kitchen table after a good romp, but sloppy is as sloppy does. 

There is a time and a place for sloppy - scrubbing the kitchen floor or cleaning out the basement, perhaps, but not to the grocery store as a general rule.


----------



## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I ALWAYS shaved...every day...even on weekends when I didn't have to go to work. 

Because I ALWAYS wanted to look good for my partner (and to avoid those notorious thigh burns!  ). 

I'd wear jeans & T shirt on weekends (time to relax anyway)...but on week days something more business like, not a suit. 

Everyday is something different from the one before...No two days are the same. But, generally, I like to appear attractive to her.


----------



## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I wish I could tattoo this thread inside my husband's eyeballs...

I quit asking for sex 1.5 years ago when I realized that the answer 70% of the time was "No, I'm not in the mood."

I quit wearing sexy lingerie when he would walk past me all dressed up, candles light, surprising him, ready for action...and I would get a "Oh...hey." No touch, a peck on the lips if I was lucky...then ignored.

I quit feeling sexually intimate with him when I realized that he only wanted BJ's...and was completely content for just that act to be the standard for our sex life.

I quit taking care of myself (as far as weight...otherwise I dress up/very clean), when I realized he was NEVER going to say how much he found me attracted. Really people I can count on one hand in the last 2 years.

Why try when he doesn't?

Sorry...and am still raw.


----------



## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

preso said:


> I am a woman who let myself go... know why?
> 
> I don't want to have sex with my husband... or anyone. I want to not have anyone look at me and think sex at all.
> Gaining weight helps cushion me from it. I hope the way I look affends my husband because then he will not want to have sex with me.
> ...


You are an excellent example of why no sane man should ever get married.............you are like a parasite feeding off of a host; sucking the life out of some poor bastard who was foolish enough to enter into a marriage contract with you.

"....he grosses me out because of many of his personal issues and lack of communication."
"
It is, of couse, his fault.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Moby, I don't think you should let it go. If it's important to you, then it should be important to her. Shaving her legs and wearing nice pjs isn't asking too much imo. 

However, when I stopped doing a lot of those things is when I had children and when money is tighter. I'd be more inclined to wear something sexy that my husband bought me or if he gave me a Victoria's secret gift card and told me to pick out something nice. I'd also be more willing to shave my legs to look nice in the outfit.


----------



## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> Ah but... If I recall correctly, the original post was about the woman not shaving. I don't particularly like women shaving! (A little trimming is OK) So for me it does not come under the heading of "letting oneself go" or hygiene. Again, neat clothing and clean clothing are two different things.
> 
> But I realize I am in a minority here - but not a minority of one


I agree. I'm a woman who never really understood the purpose of a woman shaving all the hair from her body that naturally grows in those places. It's sexist to me because men don't have to do it. I let it grow.

But if my husband wants to feel smooth legs when I climb into bed, it's not that important to me to just shave it off.


----------



## Minne6 (Oct 19, 2009)

I think you should let her know...NICELY!! Man tend to forget to be nice when they want to get somewhere. And if its about weight issues you can always sign up to the gym and go together. I think its sad when a woman starts letting go of herself. unlike the previous post i read, even if your home and dont have any plans and are in sweats, you can look hot/sexy/ or cute in sweats or have some of the ladies forgotten about Victorias Secret. Anywho just be nice when u bring it, you will get more out of it.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MM,
I have been married 20 years - and you did ask for advice. 

It sure sounds like your wife is feeling sexually neglected. And that is an awful feeling. She may not share it freely with you because she feels bad - but just because she doesn't say it - doesn't change how bad it feels. 

If I were you. I would suggest date nights. Does not have to be expensive at all. And for those you just say - hey lets make each other feel a little special tonight - lets both clean up nicely and dress nicely for each other. If she gets offended by that - tell her you love her - and that you think it is romantic for both of you to shave and dress nice.

If you have an issue with her weight - start by going on walks at night. Walk and talk. Very nice thing to do. Gradually ramp it up and try to shift to healthier food around the house. Gym is fine as well. EVERY SINGLE COMMENT about diet/walking/exercise refers to WE or US.

I love it when WE go walking at night - it is fun to be together without distractions/interruptions. 

I am proud of US for making the effort to encourage each other to eat healthier. 

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>.
If you let the situation persist - and shut down sexually - that is just a mean a cruel and a heartless thing to do. 








Moby_Medic said:


> Hi I just joined been reading the posts for about a week. And now I've got a few questions of my own. Me and my wife have been married about a year and half now. When we first started dating we would go out of our way to look presentable. Now after a year and a half I don't expect her to spend hours getting ready to go to walmart to do grocery shopping. But lately she just been letting herself go. She doesn't shave unless she wears shorts or a sleeveless top. Doesn't always put that much effort into her makeup any more unless shes going out with friends or to work. Now I know sometimes I'm not much better. I shave before my shift and get a hair cut maybe every 3 months. Our sex life is kinda going down the drain at the moment. It just seems like shes not trying anymore besides the other stuff she hates to wear anything revealing at most its an old t shirt with a few holes. It's not that she doesn't want to have sex she is always dropping hints. It's me who doesn't. I know it comes down to to us talking. But her appearance is a very touchy subject for her. Shes overweight, has been since we've been together and tends to take anything I say the wrong way. Any suggestions on what to say or how to say it? I've always told her I'd love her no matter what including what she looks like. But this is just going too far.


----------



## joevn (Oct 23, 2009)

Take her out on dates where dressing up is part of the deal (like a nice restaurant)

Shower with her and shave her if that's important to you. It's hot.

Lay out the lingerie or panties you want her to wear. Don't go overboard but also be a bit fussy about this blouse vs. that blouse instead of "fine" or "whatever". It shows you care and pay attention to her looks and accessories.

My wife likes an appreciative audience in me..and I play that up to my advantage. It works for me so I hope that helps.


----------



## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

I'm the slightly plump wife who's very sensitive about weight... and I'm also a very practical person who wants ACTIONABLE ADVICE. So I'll tell you what would work for me from my husband (besides the above mentioned "date night.")

If she's "letting herself go" when you're at home go shopping for her... they have "lounge sets" that are kind of like pyjamas and kind of just for hanging out. You can get a cute little set for her for under $30. DO NOT buy sexy lingerie... buy her something CUTE. Something that looks preppy. Tell her you've always liked how she looks in stripes/polka dots/plaids, or it reminds you of that cute schoolgirl outfit she wore once... just tell her something POSITIVE of why you bought it for her. And then stress how cute and clean-cut she'll look in it. Sexy lingerie indicates hot/steamy/dirty which doesn't seem to be the look you're going for... you seem to like right out of the bathtub well-manicured. That's fine... if you give her clues (and the tools) to provide that.

If it also extends to when you're out together (or when she's out) it gets kind of trickier. I finally found a website that is a virtual shopper... it tells me what looks good on my body, where to buy it at and what I should be buying in general. It's a lifesaver. I have ZERO fashion sense and hate shopping. Subsequently I looked like a bedraggled mouse most of the time. Once I started on this service, I looked (and felt) 1000% better. 

(You also can't have money issues and expect her to feel okay with buying new jeans or cute tops, etc.)

The site is Missus Smarty Pants. I don't know if you should even attempt to give her a "Gift Subscription" based on how sensitive she is. That's tricky. If you give it to her, you come off as the guy who doesn't like how she looks... and if you don't say something, you don't get what you want in the relationship. It's a balancing act for sure.

Good Luck.


----------

