# Need a mans perspective



## kmetoyer (Aug 23, 2017)

My husband and I have been married 4 years as of 8/4. We have a daughter together, hes in the military, so our time together is limited. He works in Texas, where we also live, but he is about 3 hours and stays on base Sunday though Thursday, then home again till Sunday. His ex wife and oldest child live 10 minutes from his base. I recently found out that he and his ex wife have been spending a lot of time together, sending flirty messages, going to movies, having dinner together, that sort of thing. Previously, I have found pictures on his phone that were of an intimate nature from other women either that he works with or that he knows from our town. When i would send him pictures like this, he told me he didn't want me to send them to him and that we 'weren't there yet'. Mind you, we were already married, 2 years in, and had a daughter. He completely stays away from me when hes home, no level of intimacy what so ever unless he has been drinking. Then he wants to initiate sex. And only then. He refuses to talk to me, he will spend days at a time while he is on base with no messages to home to check on his family. But I noticed that he and his ex wife spoke almost daily and sometimes late into the night. 

I have been faithful, supportive and take care of everything while he is away. Sometimes a month at a time. He has not said I love you in probably a good year. He used to call me and text me starting from the time he woke up, until one of us fell asleep. He used to say I love you all the time. Now, he doesn't do any of that, and says that he shouldn't have to because he 'has me' now. I'm physically, mentally and emotionally craving for some type of intimacy or affection. I can not even remember the last time he hugged or kissed me. He tells me that he is still attracted to me, still loves me, but refuses to show it. We've tried marriage counseling, but he couldn't take it seriously and never went back. We tried going to church, but he went twice and stopped going. Nothing that I have tried has helped. Every time we get around each other, he just shuts down and spends more time with his friends or on his phone. I don't understand how you can claim to love someone, but refuse to show it and do everything you can think of disrespect and hurt that person.


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

He's likely got a second life on base. I saw this a lot when I was in. Why don't you guys live together? 

Not that it reallky matters. You need a divorce. He's playing you. 

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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

What is your question/concern? Sounds like this is the life you wanted. You knew he was in the military and made a baby with another woman, who will always be in your life.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I know you want a mans perspective but I thought I'd give you mine because I've had a similar experience with my stbxh telling me one thing and acting another... 
this is 100% emotional abuse/manipulation . He says all the right things but doesn't DO any of the right things. This messed me up so much. But the truth is actions speak louder than words. Listen to what his actions are telling you. It seems like he can treat you like crap, disrespect the marriage completely and you will be happily and ignorantly ok with it. And he obviously knows he can do whatever he wants without you batting an eyelash. 
Not to mention.... he is probably cheating on you. I would look into methods to catch him cheating.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Ucmj


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

@kmetoyer

I'm a married male and I would not tolerate living in this situation that you described. He simply treats you poorly. You can beg and plead for him to show you more love and affection, but would you then feel better if he grudgingly gives you a few nice words? For me, the last straw would have been him telling you that he no longer needs to do those things for you because he already has you. I would have replied "Ok, I see. Thanks for the explanation". Then I would have hired an attorney to file for divorce. ....while I'm at it, then I would enjoy a life without the stress of living with a jerk.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> Ucmj


He would lose rank and money, in the long run it would hurt her.

OP, he's cheating on you and a scumbag, divorce him, you don't owe him your loyalty anymore.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

knobcreek said:


> He would lose rank and money, in the long run it would hurt her.
> 
> OP, he's cheating on you and a scumbag, divorce him, you don't owe him your loyalty anymore.


Weelll...I was thinking more along the lines of her using it as leverage to get a settlement favorable to her, because regardless...if he is discharged due to UCMJ violations, he will suffer far more than her in the long run.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> knobcreek said:
> 
> 
> > He would lose rank and money, in the long run it would hurt her.
> ...


What UCMJ violations? Being a jerk is not chargeable. And adultery is very hard to prove without confessions.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'm not a guy, but here's my perspective, the problem isn't your husband at this point. The problem is why you want to stay with someone who sounds emotionally abusive, and is cheating on you. You can't change how he is treating you, but you can change how you react to it, and I'd not stay in this mess any longer.


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## kmetoyer (Aug 23, 2017)

We dont live together all day every day because i share a son with my ex husband (we have joint custody), and we agreed long before I met my current husband to keep our son in the same place until he was older. I definitely do not want his affection to be forced and full of resentment. I have no issue with the fact that he has children with another woman, that would be petty and stupid. I've never had an issue with his ex until now. I can understand a friendly relationship with an ex with whom you share a child with. I have one with my sons fathers, and we only ever talk about extra curricular activities, school and our sons health. We keep it appropriate because we are both married to other people. So my issues weren't with her still being in his life, my issues were the context of the conversations that were being had; the inappropriate joking on both parts. 

I realize that most of you think that the 'smart' thing to do is to leave and cut my losses. I take my vows very seriously and I'm the type of person that likes to exhaust all options before finally saying 'its no use'. It may sound stupid to others, or that I enjoy the way I'm living, but to be clear, NO ONE wants this life or these stressors. I was well aware that he was in the military, that was never an issue.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

kmetoyer said:


> I realize that most of you think that the 'smart' thing to do is to leave and cut my losses. I take my vows very seriously,,,,.


Well, at least ONE of you do.


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## Rooster2015 (Jun 12, 2015)

OP,

You said you have been married four years. Shouldn't it be time for his rotation? PCS in military terms. If that's the case he will permanently leave Texas. What about you? Will you then go with him? Assuming it's not a combat tour. 

Looks to me either way you guys need marriage counseling. Since you are not willing to leave just yet. I think reporting him to his commander for UCMJ punishment is an article 15. Usually a fine against his pay plus other restrictions. A killer for him. Which will effect future promotions. If proven to be true.

Seek counseling. Get to the root of this problem. If he is unwilling to go your writing is on the wall.


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## mcdetroit586 (Mar 5, 2017)

Not trying to be a downer, but he's living two lives and you need to remove yourself from it. He's cheating on you and if he's gone this far to carry something on then there is no recovery, just more pain.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He is a cheater.


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## George36 (Aug 26, 2017)

mcdetroit586 said:


> Not trying to be a downer, but he's living two lives and you need to remove yourself from it. He's cheating on you and if he's gone this far to carry something on then there is no recovery, just more pain.


None of us can say for sure but it is HIGHLY likely he has "women in every port" as us Navy sailors say. I am retired Navy and, even my idiot newphew, a LCDR in the Navy, divorced his great wife for a fling. Brought a lot of pain but Melissa and their two kids are doing well.

The talk about getting him in trouble and/or catching him in cheating is absurd. Most divorces are no fault and you will get a fair shake divorcing while in the military as I did many, many years ago.

I believe that you know in your heart that you must divorce. You have plenty of indication that it is over so why put yourself and kids through more pain? Yes, you love him but you definitely cannot like him and that is important.

Wish you the best.

Retired Navy


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

kmetoyer said:


> I realize that most of you think that the 'smart' thing to do is to leave and cut my losses. I take my vows very seriously and I'm the type of person that likes to exhaust all options before finally saying 'its no use'. It may sound stupid to others, or that I enjoy the way I'm living, but to be clear, NO ONE wants this life or these stressors. I was well aware that he was in the military, that was never an issue.


That is great that you take your vows seriously. It shows a great deal of either honor or ignorance. Honor if both sides are willing to work at making it work. Ignorant if reality is telling you, you are the only one willing to work at it. It appears as though there are really no options to explore. By your own account he is just not into you. He has another life, doesn't engage in yours and is only putting in time and going through the motions. Cut your losses and move on. Find someone that you can honor your vows WITH because it takes two.

Way to often we see people sticking out because they take their vows seriously. Life is too short to live unhappily because of something YOU promised that is not reciprocated or recognized. Instead your promises are taken for granted and mean nothing to the other side so what is the point in keeping them - they mean nothing to the person they were intended for.


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Rooster2015 said:


> OP,
> 
> You said you have been married four years. Shouldn't it be time for his rotation? PCS in military terms. If that's the case he will permanently leave Texas. What about you? Will you then go with him? Assuming it's not a combat tour.
> 
> ...


UCMJ action is a non-starter. The Commander will laugh in your face. Being a jerk is not a crime. As long as he provides for his legal obligations there will be no legal action. 
I have seen the service member forced to pay thousands to ex W in monthly child support, and she didn't need it. Ex W used the money to buy live-in boyfriend a new car, clothes, jewelry, etc. All legal.


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## seabeeken123 (Aug 16, 2017)

In my opinion, tell him unless it pertains to his kid, no more contact with the ex wife. No more dinners out and nightly phone calls. If he doesn't stop then your done. Much better to end a 4 year marriage than a 20 year marriage..


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