# I love my husband, but not the sex



## alaska84 (Jul 15, 2016)

I've been concerned and have been feeling incredibly bad lately about my lack of interest in sex. I'm 32 and have been married for just a year now. Generally, I think my husband and I have a good, solid marriage. We get along and can have a nice time together. He's very smart, responsible, clean, empathetic, good listener, loyal and the list could go on. I knew when we first started dating that our personalities were quite different - me being creative, spontaneous, messy, curious and him being anxious, neat, regimented, and scientific. We've had many a conversation during our dating years where we almost ended it all (and did once for several months). 

What drew me to him was his ability to empathize, show concern, nurture, protect, reliability and that he understood my strange sense of humor. From the get-go, we didn't have crazy passionate sex. I honestly wasn't very attracted to him physically. He's an attractive man, but he wasn't my "type". He's of average build and height and often lacks confidence - he's very human and I was able to move past the physical. I certainly don't want to be with a man who would only want to be with me if I was "perfect".

We eventually did strike a good balance with our sex life. I've always been a woman that had no trouble reaching orgasm and via intercourse. I seemed to want sex much more than him. I wanted to have sex pretty much every day. In my past, I was fairly open about experimenting with sex. I really don't know how many partners I've had, but I've had a serious relationship twice before I got married. So, I'm experienced and that experience brought me to have an appreciation for committed sex with somebody I love.

For the past few months, I've lost interest in sex...with my husband. He's incredibly sweet - always giving me hugs and kisses, looking to hold me and needs to fall asleep next to me at night. However, when he tries to have sex at night in bed (which is the routine place to have sex lately) I can't seem to enjoy even kissing him. It's so emotionally painful to have sex and feel that I have to zone out and visualize a fantasy in order to enjoy it. I don't feel the "closeness" that I used to feel during sex. 

My sex drive isn't altogether gone. I still have fantasies and masturbate. At first I tried stopping masturbating and saving any built up sexual tension for him, but when we go to actually have sex it would disappear. Also, I'd like to share that I was always more sexually adventurous than him. I used to wear lingerie, dance around nude, Orally please him while in the car...I even spent $700 to do a boudoir photo shoot so he could have erotic pics of me. 

We've been planning to have a baby in the next year and I've not been on birth control for about 6-7 months. No surprise, I'm not pregnant. I have no drive to even try even though I want a baby. I feel so hurt by this. When I look at him I feel a deep stab of pain in my heart because I want to give him the love he'd like from me. 

I've told a therapist and she suggested we talk about spicing things up or discuss our fantasies. I don't feel that this will work. I don't know what to do.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

Whatever you do DONT bring a child into this until you figure out how to find the spark with this man. I suggest you continue going to the therapist ( or find another one ) read books ,etc . Do all you can to fix the marriage maybe THEN have a kid. 

Just from reading your OP it sounds like you married a " safe choice " for stability but your hormones want something else. 

Good luck ....


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

You're not attracted to him physically. 
Don't have children just yet. 
You have a sex drive, but not for him. 
Did you just marry him just for the sake of getting married? 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
1. Do not marry someone when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to the kids.
You violated rule #1. That is bad. Violating rule #2 is worse.

Also, I find there is often an easy way to address cases where spouse #1 got married because spouse #2 was nice, funny, responsible, pleasant, etc., but not sexually hot (at least not in spouse #1's view). The key is for spouse #1 to openly and honestly admit to spouse #2 that spouse #1 does not find spouse #2 sexually attractive, doesn't enjoy sex with spouse #2 very much, and pretty much married spouse #2 for companionship, financial and child-raising support, but not for sex. That this "trade" (give up hot to get stable) was initially acceptable to spouse #1. But now spouse #1 is feeling that sex with spouse #2 is undesirable because there is only so long that you can keep having sex with someone you don't (and never did) find hot. So spouse #1 intends to stop having sex with spouse #2. And spouse #1 just wants to verify that spouse #2 understood the "ground rules" of the marriage, and that staying married is what spouse #2 wants even though there probably won't be much sex going forward, and what sex there is will be pity sex and generally uninspired.

See, if you tell the truth about how you feel, you won't have to spend much time posting on internet discussion boards to figure out what you should do. Because one of 2 things will happen. Spouse #2 will leave and make the decision for you by leaving. Or you will be so disgusted that spouse #2 is willing to stay despite your telling them the ugly truth that you will leave to get yourself away from the stench of their self-loathing. Either way, it is a win-win for both spouses.

The longer you put this off, the uglier the breakup will be. Worst case is you never break up and waste your life married to someone you despise. You have been warned.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Did this become an issue when you went off your Pill? If there was a change when you went off the Pill, it might be hormone related. If it's truly that you have never been sexually attracted to your H, you have 2 choices. 1) live with it or 2) divorce. Sexual attraction is involuntary. You either feel it or you don't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since this change sees to have happened when you got off the pill, why not get back on it for a while to see if there is a hormone issue.

You could tell your husband that you think you have hormone issue and need to check it out. Talk to your doctor so that he knows you are working on it with your doctor.

How's the rest of your relationship? How much time do you and your husband spend together, doing things that you both enjoy? Just the two of you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
It is often the case that women, and men, find less desirable that which is easily obtained. Your H is a nice guy, accommodating, thoughtful and all of this can be taken for granted because you have reached a place with your mate than some aspire to but never achieve. To entertain the thought of starting a family with him seems quite cold and calculated.

Does he not deserve to be desired, longed for, the object of passion? There are many women that would find him so so why would you not allow him the freedom to experience that. You have no children, married just over a year and you do not find him attractive. This will continue to worsen and he may develop serious resentment especially as he begins to feel more and more like Mr. Safe Choice.

If you divorce now what have you really lost except your security blanket which you really only like for its security. It takes a complex set of variables to make a marriage successful and passion is not least among them. I would consider this carefully.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Since this change sees to have happened when you got off the pill, why not get back on it for a while to see if there is a hormone issue.
> 
> You could tell your husband that you think you have hormone issue and need to check it out. Talk to your doctor so that he knows you are working on it with your doctor.
> 
> How's the rest of your relationship? How much time do you and your husband spend together, doing things that you both enjoy? Just the two of you?


That would be an interesting experiment, but her level of attraction (almost zero) would be the natural level of attraction she has for him when not pregnant (the pill simulates the hormonal scenario of pregnancy). Unless there is something more to this, they may simply be unsuited to each other sexually, and if that's the case, they should break up rather than try to fix this (as that's next to impossible).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

alaska84 said:


> He's of average build and height and *often lacks confidence...*


You need to work with your husband to make him into a more confident lover, perhaps to the point where he can even be more dominant with you. 

Easier said than done, but start by teasing him until he looses control and has to overpower you to "take" what he needs from you sexually (if that is your thing).

Badsanta


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I don't know how to help, but what you write disturbs me.
He is: ok physically and loves you and gives you attention and provides, etcetera. 
Yet you still don't love him romantically. It leaves little hope for the rest of us who aren't nearly as perfect as your guy sounds.
It's so incredibly sad.

Yes, see if the pill affects things. Those pills are bigtime powerful stuff. Have all kinds of side effects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

MrsAldi said:


> You're not attracted to him physically.
> Don't have children just yet.
> You have a sex drive, but not for him.
> *Did you just marry him just for the sake of getting married? *
> ...


I am really wondering about the bolded as well. IDK, at least to me it just seems off. Usually at the start of the relationship all the hormones are racing, and even then you weren't physically attracted to him. Now add on some years, marriage, etc... and I think it is safe to say you will never be physically attracted to him. Sounds like you married him b/c you wanted to have more of a friend/roommate type relationship and the stability he brings.

Have you told any of this to your H?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

http://time.com/3596014/attraction-sex-birth-control/


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

See article. Choosing a mate while on the pill.... If you go off the pill, you might not be attracted anymore due to changes that occur in your mate selection when your body is fooled into thinking it's pregnant, as it does on the pill.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Divorce amicably.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Tell him the truth and let him go. This won't get better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't know how to help, but what you write disturbs me.
> He is: ok physically and loves you and gives you attention and provides, etcetera.
> Yet you still don't love him romantically. It leaves little hope for the rest of us who aren't nearly as perfect as your guy sounds.
> It's so incredibly sad.
> ...


Just be a s**y bad boy some woman will want to have crazy sex with you.

Or be weary of marring someone who become accustomed to lots of promiscuous sex. It's hard to just turn that off. There have actually been studies done that after a certain number the more sex partners people have a higher risk you are to not surviving in marriage. This kind of points to that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OP if you don't act like an adult and tell him this, ask him to work on it you will never fix it and you will throw away all his other good qualities. The grass is not always greener especially with the type of people who are out there today. 

Ask him to show you the kind of porn he likes. Open up sexually with him before you just assume he isn't capable of changing. I don't believe there is NO chance to fix this but it can't be fixed if you are not honest about it.

Even if it can't, you owe it to yourself and him to try. Yes you may find someone who is more adventurous but you know what there will be some other quality that won't be the same that you will miss. Our spouses are not catchalls. That is not what marriage is. You need to work on it! Work!

You may have to be the leader in exploration for a while, and i know that may not be as exciting, but you know what he needs to see his wife less of a Madonna and more of a w-- if you get my meaning (not calling you a w---), just using the Madonna W*** complex which is what I think this may be for him. 

Your counselor is right, fight for your marriage first before you fight for yourself. At least then you can leave knowing you did all you could.


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## ansku (Jul 16, 2016)

Hi, I have done the same mistake, marrying without passionate sex. It won't improve. You are not perfect match. We have biological needs, and with the right one, it will work out. Don't settle for less.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Is there anything he could change to make himself attractive to you?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Holdingontoit said:


> Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:
> 1. Do not marry someone when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to either of you.
> 2. Do not have kids when there is a sexual mismatch, it is not fair to the kids.
> You violated rule #1. That is bad. Violating rule #2 is worse.
> ...


And there's my first marriage neatly summed up in a couple of paragraphs. Guess which spouse I was? 

Get out of there as quick (and as nicely) as you can. From the POV of spouse #2, it's not pleasant in any way, shape or form - especially the way these things typically end up (ie. infidelity).

My ex wife strung me along for far too long, wasted many of my so-called 'prime' years, and ended up taking the easy way out. If she had been on TAM all those years ago, she would have posted, word-for-word, what OP did here. There was no doubt she loved me, but there was also no doubt she married me for companionship only. And in hindsight, she knew that early on. OP, you also clearly know that, hence your post. So do the right thing.

I don't hate her for the infidelity - I hate her for the years she unnecessarily took from me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

EllisRedding said:


> I am really wondering about the bolded as well. IDK, at least to me it just seems off. Usually at the start of the relationship all the hormones are racing, and even then you weren't physically attracted to him. Now add on some years, marriage, etc... and I think it is safe to say you will never be physically attracted to him. Sounds like you married him b/c you wanted to have more of a friend/roommate type relationship and the stability he brings.
> 
> Have you told any of this to your H?


Yeah, this.

I'm only one man, and only one example, but this certainly happens - a LOT.

My ex wife was initially attracted to me BECAUSE I am/was a nice guy, among other things. I'm also not unattractive. But it wasn't the physical attraction at the top of the list.

Basically what happened was this - anybody else she had dated prior to me (and we were young, it's worth mentioning) she had a physical attraction to first, and everything else was secondary.

She had a physical "type". Those relationships did not work out, and a few were borderline traumatic, as I recall.

Then I came along. Not her physical type, but I ticked all the other boxes. So from her POV, the physical aspect was adequate (ie. I wasn't physically repulsive to her).

I treated her well, we loved each other, we were good together, and I caused her no pain, no heart-ache, and we DID have a good relationship AND marriage.

But the physical attraction was, and always had been, at the bare minimum of her threshold.

The man she eventually left me for? Exactly her physical type, to a "T". AND had the other qualities I possessed. If OP continues in this marriage, eventually SHE will come across a man who checks all her boxes.

Like I said in my previous post, I don't begrudge my ex wife for anything other than marrying me in the first place, knowing the physical attraction was only adequate, thinking it was something she could live with. It was stupid of her to do to herself, and simply put, mean of her to do to me.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Oh God...another one of those stories where you go off the reservation to find the dependable partner despite knowing what you like. I know you didn't hold back from your H in the sex dept, which is good, but you ultimately "sold out" to find someone more stable. It's not going to work out IMHO. He needs someone more like himself, and you need someone more outgoing and adventurous.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I feel terrible for your husband.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Alaska,

none of us are physicians i think but you need to see one, and then the two of you need to see a sex therapist BEFORE this marriage disintegrates in a bad way.

Only married a very short time, I think you said one year, and bedroom boredom has set in.

No one has a crystal ball here, but based on what you have written, and believing you have a much higher sex drive, you are well on your way already to justifying in your mind why it will be OK for you to have an affair.

And if I missed something, he has no clue you feel this way to the extent it is bothering you. 

Wayward wives in many cases talk glowingly about their husbands EXCEPT for the sexual bit. So the goal then becomes to have both.

So you can either take the advice of some here who say set him free and divorce. or you have to other options
(1) Cheat on him, in which case when you get caught, and you most likely will at some point, your option will disappear quickly and probably not be pleasant.
(2) Sit your husband down, tell him the whole truth, and ask for an open marriage. most men will turn that one down but it is an option.

But I'd still suggest you start with a sex therapist, either by yourself or with hubby before taking the more ominous options.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

straightshooter said:


> But I'd still suggest you start with a sex therapist, either by yourself or with hubby before taking the more ominous options.


Yeah sex therapist and if that doesn't work divorce.


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