# Emotional Affair ? help



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

My wife and I are in a dispute about her interactions with a male coworker (he is married with kids). She feels she has done nothing wrong and is accusing me of being jealous and paranoid.

This interaction went on for approximately 10 months and to this day when I run into this guy he avoids me, acts sheepish around me and appears to be very uncomfortable. 

In fact just recently my wife and I attended a family day and when I walked away from her to speak with a few friends, the guy made a bee line to speak to her. They conversed and the whole while he was looking over his shoulder at me. When he was done and realized I was watching he walked away and again looked over his shoulder at me in a very uncomfortable manner.

I will follow this with a description of what went on over the 10 months, and please chime in and make a comment if possible(I want to believe she is being honest and maybe I am simply paranoid but it doesn't feel that way), thanks.

My wife would come home every evening and discuss this guy during supper hour and that went on for approx. 3 months. Initially I did not say much as I didn't want to come off as being jealous, but as time went by my gut was telling me otherwise.

She appeared very excited emotionally when she would speak about the guy (too much). About 4 months in she told me she spoke to him about some of our personal issues, that she would sometimes talk with him on the phone at work for 45 minutes (mostly work, but it would turn into a vent session) plus other periods of meeting due to their professions (they have same profession in health care).

I expressed how this upset me, but we all make mistakes and to forget it. I did not express to her that I wanted her to avoid him as I took her feeling bad as a sign of screwing up and that she would not do it again(plus due to the job they have to interact). 

Six months in she is still talking about the guy and I finally tell her enough talking about this guy at our supper table , I had enough of hearing about him and the kids were listening as well.

The next thing that happened is a group was being created for their profession, she did not want any part of this, but guess what, the guy convinced her that she was needed and they couldn’t do without her, he finally won her over and she joined. I was upset because she let this guy influence her and typically she is a very intelligent,independent and strong minded person. 

The group apparently had budget issues and guess what two were picked to take them on, my wife and the guy (neither have accounting skills). She would leave approx. 9 pm and meet at his office/place of work to work on the issues and come home a couple of hours later(this went on for a while until I got upset again, she couldn't believe this bothered me and felt I should just trust her.) other times they would meet at his house.

The final incident (which happened only once) was when they went to a conference together(they went on a number of conferences together) with a group of approx. 10 people. She called me hours after check-in to tell me she was in the guy’s room and left her baggage there because the room she and another girl booked was not ready (even though this was approx. 4 hours after check in).

Let me state and I won’t get into too many details on this, but my wife and I have had a pretty sparse sex life and she is emotionally distant, which for me makes all the above that much worse(I feel completely neglected, ignored and self-esteem is shot).

I know I have no hard evidence, but all the above seems so wrong to me and would at the very least constitute an emotional affair.

Also as of late she has been going to his sister’s house for lunch, and letting the sister’s dog out when the sister is gone away. The sister lives 30 minutes away from the guy and I also found out she met the guy previously when she was away on training , so she knew him before he came to his job in her region(no wonder they got along so well).


Am I simply being jealous or do I have right to be upset ?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Read the top link in my signature and implement.

Above all else.

Say nothing to her while you look around.


----------



## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Find Weightlifters evidence gathering thread and start there. Right now you know the answer and are hoping for the best. First you have to accept the truth, and really ask yourself if you can accept it. If not, you'll still be asking redundant questions by the time post 257 comes up. 

Don't try logic, reason, begging, none of that crap. Lay dormant and gather information, trust me it's there if you can at first accept it and look around. She's probably hiding her phone or deleting texts as well as e-mails. Constantly mixing lies with the truth to disguise her behavior changes which you more than likely have noticed but disregarded as being a side effect from her being distant. If your doubts remain use simple math logic; she's been friends with this guy since she became distant so?????

The posts that follow will more than likely be similar. Do not disregard these warnings and course of action suggestions, it will save you in the end, one way or the other.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

She is almost undoubtedly cheating....and sorry to break this to you but I doubt it is simply an EA.

In addition to all the 'after work hours' meets and the whole hotel room incident, the fact that this POS is so uncomfortable in your presence is a dead give away.

In addition to investigating all of her communication devices, checking phone bills, etc., get a voice activated recorder (VAR) and install it in her car.

Also, if you know the woman who she was staying with at the conference, quietly contact her and find out about the whole room situation for the trip....was there really a delay?....did she stay in the room or was she constantly in his til late?


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

It can not be said enough. Do not ask her about it without crushing proof.

I've helped destroy dozens of affairs. I'm scary good at it.

Top link. I want a report you have two VARs and the gps going within 24 hours. I'm arrogant and your best friend right now.


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Let me guess....the sparse sex and emotional distance started about the same time this guy became suppertime conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Don't think for one second your wife isn't capable of having a PA with this guy. Your mind is telling you it's an EA, because, well it's your wife and we all don't believe our wives are capable of going that far. But posting on this forum is your wake-up call. Prepare to find information that's going to really hurt. Remember to gather your evidence quietly. Act normally around her. Follow weightlifter's stellar advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Couldn't make it through the wall of text. Paragraphs would be nice.


----------



## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, it's much easier to read if you break your post up into paragraphs. You can edit it to ad some spaces. 

Yes, going into weightlifter's spy mode will tell you if she is cheating on you but does it matter?

The fact is, you don't want her around this guy and you have told her as much yet she is still doing it. 

If my boyfriend or husband did not consider my feelings, I would be very upset. She is not showing you your feelings are important. 

If the guy is giving you weird looks and your wife has spoken to him about personal things in your relationship, it could be she has told him bad things about you to him to make you appear to be "evil" or "the bad guy". This is not a good sign. 

None of this is good. 

If she is having an affair, do you want to divorce her or work through it?

Be ready to be tough. 

Read the snooping threads......AND weightlifter's too!!


----------



## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

EIP30 said:


> About 4 months in she told me she spoke to him about some of our personal issues


 A spouse should never talk to a person of the opposite sex about issues that they have with their spouse. Doing so is one of the main indicator of a emotional affair (EA).

Google "how to steal a woman from her man" and you will see that there are many sites that tell men how to do this. The standard advice always given is to first be their friend, and then use that friendship to let her vent about her man. These sites tell you that no one is perfect, so no matter who her man is, there will always be issues that they can exploit. On one such site is titled “Taking Another Man's Woman: Part II”. Typical of these sites, it says such things as “She has to perceive your intentions as being strictly innocent and friendly. Getting her to accept you as a friend is very important because later in the strategy, she will have to trust your opinion about her relationship. If she views your intentions as wanting to seduce her, she will not value your opinion.” Also typically of these sites, one site said "Cause/encourage the breakup”. Similarly, another site said "You want to make the girl you want to steal away feel like she can do a lot better than the guy she is currently with. How do you do this? It is quite easy. You want to wait for the perfect opportunity to get your jabs in. Sooner or later she will mention something negative.”

Your wife is letting this other man (OM) get his foot in the door. She is giving them both the chance to get to know each other better. As one site advised (and this is common advice) she isn't going to leave her man “for someone she doesn't know, or hasn't known for long. Most of the time, you'll be chasing her for a long while.” In other words, by befriending this guy that is not a friend of the marriage, she is in effect still shopping and still on the market. You need to set up boundaries on opposite sex friends (OSF) that require that neither of you can have an OSF that is not a friend of your relationship as a couple. This other guy needs to go. Fight for this now. Insist on it. If she is willing to let you end the marriage for this other man, cheaters always say it is on the principle of being able to pick their own friends, then you need no further proof that your marriage is all but over anyways if you allow this to continue.



EIP30 said:


> The group apparently had budget issues and guess what two were picked to take them on, my wife and the guy (neither have accounting skills). She would leave approx. 9 pm and meet at his office/place of work to work on the issues and come home a couple of hours later(this went on for a while until I got upset again, she couldn't believe this bothered me and felt I should just trust her.) other times they would meet at his house. The final incident which happened only once was when they went to a conference together(they went on a number of conferences together) with a group of approx. 10 people. She called me hours after check-in to tell me she was in the guy’s room and left her baggage there because the room she and another girl booked was not ready (even though this was approx. 4 hours after check in).





EIP30 said:


> Also as of late she has been going to his sister’s house for lunch, and letting the sister’s dog out when the sister is gone away. The sister lives 30 minutes away from the guy and I also found out she met the guy previously when she was away on training , so she knew him before he came to his job in her region(no wonder they got along so well).


 A cheaters always looks for excuses to spend time together with their affair partner, as they are not going to tell their spouse their real intentions for being together with their lover. Having lunch at the sister's house, and letting the sister's dog out when she is away, indicates a personal closeness with this other man, and gives them a place to meet where they can be alone together. 



EIP30 said:


> Let me state and I won’t get into too many details on this, but my wife and I have had a pretty sparse sex life and she is emotionally distant


 This is common for a spouse in an affair.


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Trust your gut. It's telling you what is happening. 

You're wife is in a relationship with another dude. You can go into spy mode as suggested, but steel yourself for what you are about to uncover. 

Please keep reading the threads here. Most guys think their wives are in EAs, but often it is revealed that a PA has been going on for a long time.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> My wife and I are in a dispute about her interactions with a male coworker (he is married with kids). She feels she has done nothing wrong and is accusing me of being jealous and paranoid.
> 
> This interaction went on for approximately 10 months and to this day when I run into this guy he avoids me, acts sheepish around me and appears to be very uncomfortable.
> 
> ...


She is right it is not an EA it is a PA


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

jim123 said:


> She is right it is not an EA it is a PA


Dude she was in the guy's hotel room.:slap:
Tell his wife and compare notes.
Threaten her with a polygraph.
VAR in the car pronto.

MMSLP= married mans sex life primer and no more mr. nice guy like yesterday.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I would let her know by taking half the money and canceling joint cards.
And when she get mad, just say " you've been an awful wife, and I don't trust a damn thing you say " without a polygraph.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

And forget the coworkers, they know. They ALL know.

They probably cover for each other.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... sounds like more than an EA. If you want to find out, answer this question...

_What kind of phone does your wife use?_

The "jealous and paranoid" comment is an especially nice touch, by the way; misdirection at its finest.

ETA: This is *way*, *Way*, *WAY* more than an EA. Your wife is f*cking her co-worker.


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

You have more than an emotional affair going on here. Its full on physical.

She stayed in his room, i bet the so called budget issues of the group were cooked up so they can meet, she is lunching with his sister, etc cause sister knows he is seeing her.

You have been too soft. You urgently need to VAR her car, and another place in the house you think she will most likely conduct chats at, get a GPS, on her vehicle, and check your phone bill, or look for a burner phone.

Sorry but this is not good.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

While you are doing your detective work, get both books below. Mmslp is just for you,.the other is for you both.

Download mmslp from amazon, order the other book so you can both read it together.

Good luck, sorry you are here.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The best thing you have said is how much she talks about him. Usually, when the affair gets really serious, the cheater immediately says nothing about the affair partner at all.

Does she keep her phone glued to her? Does she give you her passwords? 

Has your sex life changed? Either more or less?

Count her texts calls on the phone bill.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

Does she keep her phone glued to her? Yes

Does she give you her passwords? No.. except
as of late she handed me her phone to view a picture and walked away, when she did I checked the text messages they were all deleted

Has your sex life changed? This part was strange we went from nothing, to her doing things she had never done before and then back to nothing

Count her texts calls on the phone bill -- strange here as well, in the past she wasn't into texting much, for the last year she has numerous texts and calls and much of them are blocked, when I ask about this she doesn't know who is contacting her(except a few select people ). Some of the calls are always when I am out of the house, and are in a send/receive style throughout the day


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

EIP30 said:


> Does she keep her phone glued to her? Yes
> 
> Does she give you her passwords? No.. except
> as of late she handed me her phone to view a picture and walked away, when she did I checked the text messages they were all deleted
> ...


Too bad, you won't find anyone here that doesn't think she's in a full blown physical affair.


Deleted texts are obvious she's hiding it.

Increase in sex is when he made her super horney but they hadn't gotten physical or just started and she couldn't get enough.


She sttopped again when she was getting plenty and now she is in love.

Of course she is just lying about the quantity of texts and calls.

Google the phone number of texts and calls and find out who the om is. There are several services that can find that out like spokeo.com, facebook, google, whitepages, etc.

Go completely silent about it until you get your detective work done.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... sounds like more than an EA. If you want to find out, answer this question...
> 
> _What kind of phone does your wife use?_
> 
> ...


Tell Gus the kind of phone she has, you may be able to read the deleted(hidden) texts.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Yeah, it is very likely she is having an affair.

So what if she has an affair ? Is it a deal breaker ?


or you want to work through it if she apologizes ?

Do you have a hard boundary?

Would a physical affair be a hard boundary ? or can you work through that ?

We had a poster here. His wife was having affair with the brother of her close friend. She would keep visiting her friend as a pretext to have sex with this guy and continue the affair.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EIP

You have gotten solid advice so far. 

I cannot stress how important it is that you not confront her about anything right now.

That you gather evidence quietly.

That you find out exactly what your wife is up to.

Do not make her suspicious. Because she will get comfortable and slip.

How old are you two, the OM and your kids?

HM


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

I was going to respond yesterday, but just didn't know how to.. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion and being able to see into the future all at the same time.. 

OP I am very sorry you're here. I can just feel the pain oozing through the screen with your posts.. 

You need a very good friend you can confide in right now..

I also believe it is more than an EA... I just didn't have the stomach to tell you personally as it brought on personal triggers as well. 

There is nothing that will prepare you for what is about to happen to you.. It will hit you like a ton of bricks.. Even if you already know it, hearing the words come out of her mouth will be like a nuclear bomb going off in the room. 

Anything you say at that point will make no sense.. Even saying why, why did you do it will not matter and you won't get a real answer anyways.. She will blame you in one way shape or fashion.

Your best thing is to have suit cases, shopping bags or garbage bags ready and put her clothes in it and tell her to get the fvck out.. Grab her stuff and toss it out the door. Call this guy up and tell him or his wife to come get your cheating wife. 

I know its rough and I know it will be almost impossible to do, but trust me if you can do that she will be shocked herself.. In her mind she will be thinking what excuses am I going to say.. When she sees you don't care it will throw her back a bit.. As retarded as this sounds, she will be upset that you don't care.. She will be shocked.. 

*IF she loves* you or cares for you, she will instinctively look to fix this.. She will be trying to stop you from pushing her out the door. 

If you see she does this then you have the upper hand at this time and I would act swiftly.. I would then call this other man wife and tell her about the affair.. Keep him busy so he has no time to deal with your wife.. Tell *EVERYONE* in both of your families. Again to keep your wife busy so she has no time for him.

The whole concept of all of this is not to destroy his marriage or break up another family like your wife will tell you.. The simple reality is they both did that on their own.. She failed you and this man failed his wife.. Plus at this time who is your wife to tell you anything since she has already proven to make poor judgement calls. 

But again the whole point is to keep your wife and his other man busy, while you are not around.. 

I didn't out my wife until she was leaving.. I truly believe I lost my marriage because I failed to act swiftly.. Mind you my story is different from yours so divorce wasn't a bad thing for me, no matter how bad I thought it was or was going to be.. In the end it was the best thing for ME, I just didn't see it back then.

Nonetheless you will need people to help you out and support you during these times.. This is why you OUT people and expose to everyone. 

Of course she should quit her job ASAP as well. 

My simple point of posting is, sometimes evidence gathering quickly ends up to exposing.. Sometimes you don't have the benefit of knowing what to do next so you end up in limbo until you come back here to post what happen.. 

The next steps after her admitting are very important and you neither can screw it up or drag your feet on them.

I caught my GF lying to me once about something stupid.. I purposely stormed out of her apt into the hallway of her building.. It was my test.. She came out after me and was barring me from going to the elevator.. I yelled some more in the hallway for others to clearly hear me and for others to hear her. She begged me calm down and go inside her apt.. I knew right then and there I had the upper hand and I used it completely to my advantage.. 

The simple point was this.. I caught her lying.. She knew I caught her lying.. She tried to make some bullsh!t excuse.. I called her out on that BS excuse and told her fvck you, your a lying piece of **** and walked out.. 

If she "loved me" she wasn't going to let me leave especially on these terms.. No one likes being on the bottom or being the bad guy.. But she knew I was pissed and I wasn't gonna come back once I left... So her instincts told her you better get him or else... 

If she didn't and let me walk out, well then as much as it sucked, the proof is in the pudding.. She really never loved me.. Because when you fvck up and you love someone, you do whatever you can to make it right..

This is what you will feel the need to do.. But because you're too close to it right now, you will not see that she is the one that has to put in the work.. 

In the end all she needs to be is be honest, truthful and loving again.. It will be you that will be fighting off the demons.. It will be you with the trust issues, not her.. She will feel bad for you and what she did to you, to make you the way you will be for a very long time.. 

Again sorry for all the stuff you're about go through.. I hope your wife is worth it..


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

We are both 38 and the OM is 43, we have two children 3 and 7.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You do need to prepare for the worst but do not confront. If it is an affair,.she will lie and deny guaraunteed.

What kind of phone?


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

Blackberry torch


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

You should be able to recover deleted texts.
Gus (GusPolinski) one of the members here might be able to help you.

do not tell her this before hand--- that you want to try and recover the texts


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

We are pretty much done, at this point I simply want hard irrefutable
facts/evidence.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> We are pretty much done, at this point I simply want hard irrefutable
> facts/evidence.


So are you headed out to get the VARs and GPS I mention in my top link?

It usually takes less than a week.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> Blackberry torch


F*ck.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> So are you headed out to get the VARs and GPS I mention in my top link?
> 
> It usually takes less than a week.


Weightlifter is right This will get you the hard evidence along with recovering deleted texts

The recovering the deleted texts will probably take several minutes to an hour
I don't know if you can have her phone for that long.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> F*ck.


oh man I guess that means it is harder to get the recovered text?

well then the VAR (voice activated recorder) with a GPS on the car will get you what you need.

This is an EA for sure most likely an PA. if not a PA now it will be shortly especially since she does not seem to think an EA is not wrong.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> oh man I guess that means it is harder to get the recovered text?


While iPhones are my speciality, I'm semi-versed w/ Androids... but I know roughly "jack" and "sh*t" about Blackberry devices. I used a couple years ago, but never had occasion to recover deleted texts from them.

OP, start here...

https://www.google.com/search?rls=en&q=retrieve+deleted+texts+blackberry+torch&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> We are pretty much done, at this point I simply want hard irrefutable
> facts/evidence.


OK, if you're done you should configure your tactics to yield long term benefits. 

Determine what end results you desire. ie. favorable divorce settlement, custody of the kids, asset protection, etc.

I can tell you that you need to immediately get a lawyer and go over this part. Meanwhile do not reveal to wife what you know. In fact, you might have good opportunities for her to give you ammo for a better divorce if you are cunning enough to work it that way.

Above all, do not reveal anything to wife. Ideally you will want to blindside her with a surprise serving of divorce papers and then be able to go dark on her as much as possible without neglecting your kids. 

Now you must rewire your brain and heart to see your wife as an enemy because in reality she is. Try to detach emotionally from her and take steps to protect yourself. Good luck.


----------



## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> While iPhones are my speciality, I'm semi-versed w/ Androids... but I know roughly "jack" and "sh*t" about Blackberry devices. I used a couple years ago, but never had occasion to recover deleted texts from them.
> 
> OP, start here...
> 
> https://www.google.com/search?rls=en&q=retrieve+deleted+texts+blackberry+torch&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8


there has got to be a way to do it, I would hope


----------



## stunned (May 6, 2013)

EIP30 said:


> The group apparently had budget issues and guess what two were picked to take them on, my wife and the guy (neither have accounting skills). She would leave approx. 9 pm and meet at his office/place of work to work on the issues and come home a couple of hours later(this went on for a while until I got upset again, she couldn't believe this bothered me and felt I should just trust her.) other times they would meet at his house.


What type of work group would meet after 9PM??? They work together. Wouldn't they just do this during the day, or immediately after work? Leaving at 9PM to "work"? Please....
EIP, So sorry you're here. Listen to Weightlifter. Get those VARs NOW. They will tell you everything you need to know, probably within 24 hours.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

var in her car will get you everything you need to know in about 10 seconds .

so his sister is in on the affair too huh. says a lot about his family. 

his wife might have some information for you. Having your wife around his house has two has given her a better clue as to what's going on because she gets to see them interact. Well that's assuming she is there when they are there or that they are even at his house. 

but yeah this is a physical affair.

did you tell her that you want a divorce ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> Does she keep her phone glued to her? Yes
> 
> Does she give you her passwords? No.. except
> as of late she handed me her phone to view a picture and walked away, when she did I checked the text messages they were all deleted
> ...


None of this is good. At all. Sure, here is the phone...after I delete any trace. This is to throw you off the trail. W knew you would look beyond the picture. Blocked numbers? Text count through the roof? Your W is in deeper than an EA IMO.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> We are both 38 and the OM is 43, we have two children 3 and 7.


I suspect she has been defending the OM all along. You are crazy, yadda yadda. That in itself is enough to see the W has an emotional attachment to OM.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> We are pretty much done, at this point I simply want hard irrefutable
> facts/evidence.


 I would believe a VAR in the car would be of great use in obtaining proof. Keylogger on the home computer. Facebook. Are you on it? Is the W on it. Check the W friend list. OM on it?


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

No I haven't said that.My approach has been to state that it looks like we're headed for a divorce. I find if I do that it draws more s**t out of her and she trips over lies. So I will continue down that path until I feel I have gathered enough evidence with the added bonus of testing her mental/emotional endurance...


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> there has got to be a way to do it, I would hope


Not sure how legit this is, but I'd start here...

How to recover the BlackBerry deleted SMS, Contact, Photo and other files?


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> No I haven't said that.My approach has been to state that it looks like we're headed for a divorce. I find if I do that it draws more s**t out of her and she trips over lies. So I will continue down that path until I feel I have gathered enough evidence with the added bonus of testing her mental/emotional endurance...


If you are set on d hire a PI then and get it over with and let the pos's wife know heck maybe she will split the cost with you.


----------



## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

I agree with the other posters, this affair is already gone physical, IMO. Don't confront or talk to her about it now, do everything you need to find evidence.


----------



## CASE_Sensitive (Jul 22, 2013)

If you come to this website on a home computer, stop. Agreed with everyone here in that you should now be in a cold, cool, data/fact gathering mode. Get the VAR and GPS now. You don't say anything, you don't get into fights, you don't bring it up. If anything, go away for a weekend, take the kids somewhere on your own, give her the rope.......


----------



## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

It does sound like she is in a full blown affair and is either trying to hide it in plain sight or simply doesn't care that much if she gets caught. I had an ex-gf do this to me, had this great guy friend at work she always talked about non-stop. She left me swearing she wasn't cheating but yet was immediately dating this guy when she moved out.

For about a month.

Be careful what you wish for. Once she was in a real relationship with him she found out he wasn't all he cracked up to be. 

Find your smoking gun but go ahead and talk to a lawyer now to get ahead of the game.

ETA: Assuming she hasn't already spoke to a lawyer herself and has some kind of exit plan. Get a VAR.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CASE_Sensitive said:


> If you come to this website on a home computer, stop. Agreed with everyone here in that you should now be in a cold, cool, data/fact gathering mode. Get the VAR and GPS now. You don't say anything, you don't get into fights, you don't bring it up. If anything, go away for a weekend, take the kids somewhere on your own, give her the rope.......


In short, pretend to be looking the other way. Nothing is wrong. This allows the W to drop her guard.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There are so many red flags here that it would be foolish to believe that she wasn't having an EA. That's a given. So why should you assume it's a PA?

1 - The length of time they've been communicating. Men in EA's don't fool around for 10 months without it going physical.

2 - The ample opportunity for physical contact.

3 - The deleting of texts, the no-access to passwords.

Don't be distracted by the fact that she talks about him. That's common for cheaters. Admitting she put bags in his hotel room? Gives her plausible deny-ability if word got back to you that they were together in his room.

Follow the advice you've received on monitoring and my guess is that you'll catch her within a matter of days or weeks. I would be shocked if you don't find smoking gun evidence of a PA.

When you do, come back her for more advice. Keep posting in the mean time.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

EIP


The next time your wife hands you her BB Torch to see a picture you should walk out the door with it.

Drive away to a nice quiet spot and review her deleted messages.

From Gus's instructions you can email any messages to yourself.

Good Luck

HM


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> My wife and I are in a dispute about her interactions with a male coworker (he is married with kids). She feels she has done nothing wrong and is accusing me of being jealous and paranoid.
> 
> 
> *Rugsweeping and misdirection*
> ...


----------



## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Informing husband about her bags being in the OM's room: I'm thinking it might be some sort of a sh!t test. If he doesn't object, in her foggy deluded mind it's kind of like giving her the green light to proceed. Rationalization hamster at work.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

Yeah, the only thing that doesn't add up is how forward she is with "presenting" how much she interacts with the guy. While she may be hiding concrete evidence, she's flat handing you a ton of softer evidence that cleary would make anyone suspicious. Not even suspicious....just.....believe something's going on.

Regardless, you sound checked out, she sounds checked out, just D already and try to do it amicably for the sake of your children.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

EIP30 said:


> Also as of late she has been going to his sister’s house for lunch, and letting the sister’s dog out when the sister is gone away. The sister lives 30 minutes away from the guy and I also found out she met the guy previously when she was away on training , so she knew him before he came to his job in her region(no wonder they got along so well).


She is letting the dog out and letting him in.

Is there anyway you can arrange to spy on the sisters house during wife's lunch time? Or have a trusted friend do it?


----------



## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Cubby said:


> Informing husband about her bags being in the OM's room: I'm thinking it might be some sort of a sh!t test. If he doesn't object, in her foggy deluded mind it's kind of like giving her the green light to proceed. Rationalization hamster at work.


I wouldnt say its a sh*t test, more like a half-truth.

A partial omission to relieve her of any guilt, hence all the talks at the dinner table about him.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

I saw it as a guilt thing as well, but why would you play with someone else if you can't keep you s**t together. This is crazy, I will need some major rework on my self/self-esteem and have to be deprogrammed to get over hear years of abuse. 

When she says another dudes name during sex, has another calling saying "i love you come live with me"(app this one she dated once and was like a brother ..he was calling while we were dating). After we marry she stops having sex(half way through honeymoon) and finally admits that the "come live with me guy" she spent the year with but didn't sleep with him, they used to stay up till 4am having meaningful chats etc.. and ignores you at social engagements while chatting it up with some other guy. According to her my perception is warped and I have all incidents misunderstood.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> I saw it as a guilt thing as well, but why would you play with someone else if you can't keep you s**t together. This is crazy, I will need some major rework on my self/self-esteem and have to be deprogrammed to get over hear years of abuse.
> 
> When she says another dudes name during sex, has another calling saying "i love you come live with me"(app this one she dated once and was like a brother ..he was calling while we were dating). After we marry she stops having sex(half way through honeymoon) and finally admits that the "come live with me guy" she spent the year with but didn't sleep with him, they used to stay up till 4am having meaningful chats etc.. and ignores you at social engagements while chatting it up with some other guy. According to her my perception is warped and I have all incidents misunderstood.


VAR in her car now!


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Wait a minute, she stopped having sex with you during the honeymoon, and you didn't find this strange ???


----------



## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about your situation.

It seems like a good idea to just get what you need and move on if that is what you really want.

Like it has been mentioned, get MMSL, MAP and NMMNG and read them all. Not to save what you have now but to be much better for your next relationship (if that is with your current *wife*" then so be it.

Good luck and keep strong.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

EIP30 said:


> According to her my perception is warped and I have all incidents misunderstood.


It’s important to determine when you have enough to stop investigating. You may think you have irrefutable proof and confront her. Then she will twist herself into irrational knots to explain it away. I guess what I’m trying to tell you that more is better. Don’t fly off the handle and confront with the first thing you find.

If she knocks one thing down have more evidence ready. Have them lined up one after the other. Even if you’re totally convinced yourself it’s good to have overwhelming or additional evidence to convince friends and relatives. You don’t want them telling you that it’s foolish to divorce over something so insignificant.

Also do you want to know the extent of what she has done? Does one time or 20 times matter to you? Does a one night stand or a long term relationship make a difference? Now is the time to find out things you’ll be wondering about for the rest of your life. Don’t blow the opportunity.

Your wife will only admit things you have proof of and minimize it. 

She will do this even if she wants to ultimately divorce you and be with the OM. She will protect her reputation if she can.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

I certainly did find it strange, according to her it was due to her low libido. Seeing it was the first time this happened, I left it gave her some room, and let things play out. The next thing we encounter she is unable to have an orgasm, followed by a typical cycle of no sex for months, than an argument about that, sex for a weekend and then back to nothing for months.

The funny thing is while we dated she didn't have a low libido.
On top of all of that she was active with all of her past bf, I was the only one who was punished with no sex. 

This is her passive aggressive way of punishing me, I've come to learn, but for the life of me why punish me.....I know now , I was the nice guy/doormat. From day one none of her stories seemed legit and I was too naive and scared too question them, I was also overflowing with low self-esteem(otherwise I wouldn't have let this happen).

I was brought up to be the nice guy, lesson learned, f**k it I'll take it on the chin, keep chin up, seek help to reprogram my damaged mindset and move on. I have to look at this way otherwise it will tear me apart.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> Wait a minute, she stopped having sex with you during the honeymoon, and you didn't find this strange ???


:iagree:
You have 2 kids go get 2 DNA kits.
Sorry man.


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Don't know if anyone mentioned this,, but,, you might want to DNA your kids, and would let her know I was doing it to show her how low I think she has sunk.

Oh, and since she can't keep her lies straight, you should set up a polygraph and spring it on her.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Hey don't beat yourself up.
find out if this pos is married then contact his wife.


----------



## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> I saw it as a guilt thing as well, but why would you play with someone else if you can't keep you s**t together. This is crazy, I will need some major rework on my self/self-esteem and have to be deprogrammed to get over hear years of abuse.
> 
> When she says another dudes name during sex, has another calling saying "i love you come live with me"(app this one she dated once and was like a brother ..he was calling while we were dating). After we marry she stops having sex(half way through honeymoon) and finally admits that the "come live with me guy" she spent the year with but didn't sleep with him, they used to stay up till 4am having meaningful chats etc.. and ignores you at social engagements while chatting it up with some other guy. According to her my perception is warped and I have all incidents misunderstood.



If you don't mind me asking, how long have you two been together ?


----------



## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Brother you are not the only one here !!

Look around CWI, this is a club no one wants to join, they believe in the goodness of ppl and got snowed.

But hang around, and read the books ppl here recommend.

A year from now, you can be in a way better mindset.

Oh well, gotta go get ready to go to my probation appointment.
Yep, even at my age, I still don't take sh!t from anyone. lol.

You in good hand thou, so take care.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

I contacted the OM actually and we conversed for approx 30 minutes. He obviously denied a physical affair, but not an emotional one. 

I told him he can be honest and set things straight, which means I only deal with my wife , but if he lies then I contact his wife and create a s**t storm that will take years to settle.I told him I had phone and hotel records plus other witnesses etc... who were at the conference and at their work place.

He said he and his wife were going through a hard time during this period but he did not sleep with my wife. He also said his wife was present one evening when he and my wife worked on budget issues(was the wife having issues with the behavior as well).

I suspect they used each other as pillows to cry on. I asked him why he avoided me like the plague, he said it was due to a story he heard about me(completely unrelated to any of this... I had authorities apprehend a stalker...who was applying for a job in his department). Why would he avoid me for this ?

He preferred I not tell anyone about the conversation, esp his wife, and even gave me his cell# so we could go for coffee and chat.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EIP, if it's evidence you want, go w/ a couple of VARs. The Sony line is particularly good, and the ICDPX333 goes for about 50-60 bucks at your local Best Buy or other big box electronics store. Read weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread for details on how best to deploy the VARs.

She's had you snowed pretty good for some time now, so at this point she's probably pretty brazen about the whole thing. Given that, it would probably take you no time at all to get something pretty damning on the VARs.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

Working on this as we speak.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> I contacted the OM actually and we conversed for approx 30 minutes. He obviously denied a physical affair, but not an emotional one.
> 
> I told him he can be honest and set things straight, which means I only deal with my wife , but if he lies then I contact his wife and create a s**t storm that will take years to settle.I told him I had phone and hotel records plus other witnesses etc... who were at the conference and at their work place.
> 
> ...


I think you and his wife should have a chat.
I wouldn't believe a thing he says at this point.
If you file it may wake her up to her new reality and some new respect for you but who knows.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> I contacted the OM actually and we conversed for approx 30 minutes. He obviously denied a physical affair, but not an emotional one.
> 
> I told him he can be honest and set things straight, which means I only deal with my wife , but if he lies then I contact his wife and create a s**t storm that will take years to settle.I told him I had phone and hotel records plus other witnesses etc... who were at the conference and at their work place.
> 
> ...


For now, worry about the liar that sleeps next to you (or at least under your roof) at night.

And if you have young children w/ this woman (or Hell... any children at all), it's time for some paternity testing. I don't care how long she's worked w/ this guy, having read through your posts in this thread, I'd say that it's pretty likely that there have been -- and may even still be! -- others as well.

Sorry man.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

EIP30 said:


> I know now , I was the nice guy/doormat.


You were the nester/provider that she could control and have the family she wanted. She used sex as bait and withdrew it as soon (honeymoon, damn) as you were in the trap. 

Was she eager to have sex eight months before each kid was born? 

Buy a DNA kit at WalMart, Amazon or about any drug store for about $30. Use a Q-tip on the inside of your cheek and another on the kid’s. Mail the kit off to a lab with $130 more.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

That's perfect , thanks.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> He preferred I not tell anyone about the conversation, esp his wife, and even gave me his cell# so we could go for coffee and chat.


What is to chat about? W needs to quit her job or the EA does not end. OM W needs to know. What friggin loyalty do you have with this blowhard???? He is snowing you two. This is the only way to end it...get his W involved. Why should OM not suffer consequences? Screw him when the time is right. For now...get solid info other than what OM has said.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> What is to chat about? W needs to quit her job or the EA does not end. OM W needs to know. What friggin loyalty do you have with this blowhard???? He is snowing you two. This is the only way to end it...get his W involved. Why should OM not suffer consequences? Screw him when the time is right. For now...get solid info other than what OM has said.


Agreed. Once you have definitive proof, (a) back it up in a couple of different "Cloud" locations, and (b) share it w/ OMW.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

I perceive the OM is a major pu$$y and that this whole thing is about to bust wide open.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

He is the effeminate, good listening, smooth talker type(highly involved in church) and seeing him with his wife , you can tell who wears the pants. I would suspect he is afraid of her. The thing is last time I saw them together, he ignored me, but she looked at me like she knew me and had something to say(she looked pretty crusty).


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

It's time for you to make a new best friend...

OMW.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> It's time for you to make a new best friend...
> 
> OMW.



Absolutely. :iagree:


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> He is the effeminate, good listening, smooth talker type(highly involved in church) and seeing him with his wife , you can tell who wears the pants. I would suspect he is afraid of her. The thing is last time I saw them together, he ignored me, but she looked at me like she knew me and had something to say(she looked pretty crusty).


Here is the thing EIP...OM has admitted EA. Talk with the OMW. 

Maybe get the VAR first. Have that chat with the POSOM. The recorded evidence my not be admissible anywhere but it only needs to be heard by two others....your W and OW.

W may wake up when she hears it from OM.

Then she proceeds to fill out a new resume. She will need it for her next job interview.


----------



## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Yeswecan said:


> Here is the thing EIP...OM has admitted EA. Talk with the OMW.
> 
> Maybe get the VAR first. Have that chat with the POSOM. The recorded evidence my not be admissible anywhere but it only needs to be heard by two others....your W and OW.
> 
> W may wake up when she hears it from OM.


X2

Expose to all parties involved or it remains hidden.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Janky said:


> X2
> 
> Expose to all parties involved or it remains hidden.


:iagree::iagree:
Affairs HATE the light of day.
You can do this.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> It's time for you to make a new best friend...
> 
> OMW.


Gus is usually quite right, but I'd do the DNA test (don't tell your wife) and wait for the results. They will tell you the size of the war you are fighting.


----------



## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> I certainly did find it strange, according to her it was due to her low libido. Seeing it was the first time this happened, I left it gave her some room, and let things play out. The next thing we encounter she is unable to have an orgasm, followed by a typical cycle of no sex for months, than an argument about that, sex for a weekend and then back to nothing for months.
> 
> The funny thing is while we dated she didn't have a low libido.
> On top of all of that she was active with all of her past bf, I was the only one who was punished with no sex.
> ...


Heard that low libido crap out of my WW (though not as soon as you did, halfway through the honeymoon?). Like your WW my WW had no low libido problems before marriage. Your WW probably acted as if she enjoyed a very active sex life like mine did. 

For the first few years after marriage it was okay but gradually it became more and more only when she wanted to and only the way she wanted it. The more I look back on it the more I see this is part of her controlling nature she has. I also think my WW views sex as just a means to an end. Then the sex was just hurry up and get through and now its nothing.

As for the passive/agressive stuff I have earned a doctorate degree in that from the way my WW behaves. You want to know why she is punishing you? Because she can, that's what passive/aggressive personalities do. They feed off it. Doesn't matter if you have done anything to deserve it, they don't care. They get a thrill out of treating you that way.

Another thing she has probably checked out of your marriage. That's another reason for her punishing you. She's selfish and childish. Probably views you as preventing her from something she desires (POSOM). She's probably thinking if only her and POSOM......... At this point the history rewrite is probably in full mode. Feel for you because a lot of this is probably about to come to the surface. Even though you know the truth things will probably be said that will be extremely hurtful. Just be prepared to weather this storm.

Hang in there man. Things will be better it just takes time.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Janky said:


> X2
> 
> Expose to all parties involved or it remains hidden.


It depends on what the OP wants. If the kids are not his, he can just divorce her period. He needs no proof of anything.

If he wants a reconciliation, that's another story. Again it depends on what the OP wants. Complete exposure is a drastic and dramatic step and, depending on the size of the community OP and WW live in, one that totally destroys all of her relationships to the point where she is shunned. How you can expect her to thrive in a reconciliation with that going on is something I don't understand.

Exposure has its merits, most usefully in a divorce where she is not willing to accept a fair deal. The threat is sometimes enough.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Too bad, you won't find anyone here that doesn't think she's in a full blown physical affair.
> 
> 
> Deleted texts are obvious she's hiding it.
> ...


I'd disagree with some of this (sex because she was horny or couldn't get enough). I'd say when the sex turned back on that was when she started her PA with him. I'd say it had more to do with guilt for sleeping with another man...so she came home and tried to make herself feel loyal and loving by having sex with you. She probably was trying all the things she tried with him (or talked about with him in detail), to almost make you less of a cuckold, while gaining experience to be better for him. It's the cheaters sick way to almost save face for you. Because she isn't cheating to embarrass you or emasculate you, but she knows that is what is happening. 

When the sex stopped, she was no longer your wife. She no longer felt guilty and she doesn't care that you are a cuckold. It became sexy for her to continue her PA while you were clueless in the dark. Probably made her sex life more thrilling.

Of course, like what I disagreed with, that is just an assumption.


----------



## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> He is the effeminate, good listening, smooth talker type(highly involved in church) and seeing him with his wife , you can tell who wears the pants. I would suspect he is afraid of her. The thing is last time I saw them together, he ignored me, but she looked at me like she knew me and had something to say(she looked pretty crusty).



She probably gets told every bad thing you've ever done to your wife (even some things you've never done) by her husband. Sometimes the other husband will talk to his own wife about the other woman's husband, who treats her so bad. This is his reason for giving your wife (while his own wife knows) so much attention. This also turns the other man's wife against you as well.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

loyallad said:


> Probably views you as preventing her from something she desires (POSOM). She's probably thinking if only her and POSOM......... At this point the history rewrite is probably in full mode.


If she wants to officially be with the OM she will want to do it with her reputation intact, especially if the people involved go to church.

The way to do that is that was never an affair. Both parties get a divorce because of how their respective spouses suck. Once divorced WW and OM will be free to START dating.

My point is that she will still be very motivated to lie even if she wants to dump you.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

She told me she read an Opr*h book and finally got it, sexually I mean. Really ? For years I discussed it with her but she wouldn't budge and didn't want to grow with me emotionally and sexually.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

you screwed up by not having the VAR in place before you spoke with the other man.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

The info I have, which I will bring to his wife will be proof enough because what I know now about his wife is very personal and had to come from him. No one else but he could have told me.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> The info I have, which I will bring to his wife will be proof enough because what I know now about his wife is very personal and had to come from him. No one else but he could have told me.


Whatever the case may be, in your mind, the EA is confirmed. I'm astonished the OM did not attempt to gaslight and deny. From you posts it appears the OMW has her suspicions or has known for sometime. 

EDIT: It appears the OM is doing his best to befriend you in hopes to keep you from talking to his W. Why else tell you these things about his W? He is attempting to snow you, your W and his W. POSOM needs to be outed. He has ZERO loyalty to you. Your W appears to have zero loyalty to you as well. 

We are here for you EIP.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EIP30 said:


> The info I have, which I will bring to his wife will be proof enough because what I know now about his wife is very personal and had to come from him. No one else but he could have told me.


If it was the other way around you would appreciate her coming to you.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

EIP30 said:


> He preferred I not tell anyone about the conversation, esp his wife, and even gave me his cell# so we could go for coffee and chat.


Of course he prefers that. Not your problem. Tell his wife anyway and see if your stories line up.

Cheaters lie.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I'd beat his effeminate ass.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you talk to the other man today? I'm confused bout this.

The best things you can do for yourself, besides the detective work that's a must is:

Get mmslp and work the MAP

Go to the gym and start lifting/working out. This gives you an immediate attitude boost. Builds self asteem. Natural pain killer/buzz.

Get a new look, haircut, clothes, beard or shave etc. Gives you a boost and blows her mind. Fills her with doubts too.

See doctor for temp help if/when you find something.

I sure hope you didn't talk to posom today,that may make things harder.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Talk to no one until you've got the info from the vars etc. They will lie andeny and make you look like a raving, jealous idiot if you don't have your proof lined up.


----------



## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

here's the thing that bugs me about you. You seem very ****y and you're moving forward without strongly considering the advice that you're given here. There's an awful lot of experience here. 

you are making mistakes. 

so what the other man told you things about his wife. I don't see how that proves anything except for the fact that you to talk. & I don't think she would find it weird that the two of you talk considering she thinks the relationship between her husband and your wife is professional. 

the worst that could happen is she gets mad at him for talking to you about personal thing and then accuses you of having an EA with him . LOL.

and I have to tell you that my spidey sense is up a little bit about how textbook the description of the behavior of your wife is. It almost sounds too text book.


----------



## EIP30 (Sep 25, 2014)

ClipClop2 I am not concerned if you do not believe me, or you have an issue with my story being text book(I'll sleep regardless of your judgement). Are you here to play devils advocate for the potential cheaters out there ? If you are not here to help , then why are you here ?

I have gotten a lot of good ideas and will follow through(I can't post all of whats going on otherwise I wouldn't make it from the keyboard). Also I have openly discussed with this group and don't understand your comment about being "very ****y"(this is a personal attack meant to antagonize and shows you have emotional intent behind your comment).

I suspect your motive is different from the others and you are planting a seed of some sort.

Also your are understating the point about information from the guy(which comes from your not having all the facts), you'll have to take my word on what I say and if not well don't.

The guy divulged personal info about his wife to my SO(can prove this now...I got this from him as well) and I already know that she divulged personal info to him. The OW has already had issues with this guy and it ties to the information divulged to my SO and what I got from him(when my wife's infatuation was going on it was during the same time the guy and his wife were going through their thing as well... I was able to piece this together). The information would have only filtered to me through my SO. The upside is when I meet this guy for coffee we can discuss my knowledge of the information and it's effect, which will be a squeezing point for him to make on decision on how he wants this to play out, tell the truth and I only deal with my wife or include his wife as well. I will have vars in place.

The guy and I should never be talking and never have around his wife. The only time the guy has spoken to me is when he dropped my wife home from conference, or if I ran into him while around my wife at work. 

He ignores me around his wife and has never acknowledged me around her..ever , nor will he.

I came here to discuss and get advice, not argue or debate.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EIP talk to his wife and tell her what she does with the info is up to her.
Give her your cell # if she has any questions.
Stay the course.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see what you think you're getting by talking to him. What you SHOULD be doing is telling your WIFE - him or me, you have 5 minutes to decide.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It seems quite clear that your wife has been playing you and disrespecting you for years. I would suggest the following:
1. Contact an attorney to understand you options.
2. Get the kids tested for DNA
3. You get tested for STD's.

Please always remember this saying:
If you don't respect yourself then who will?

Good luck.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You were advised by very experienced people here not to let them know you were trying to get evidence on them. Contacting other man is almost always a step backwards in trying to kill an affair.

Number one they work together, they can communicate with out leaving a trail.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

I am certainly not experienced with the surveillance aspect of A's so I won't comment on that since what I've read sounds like good advice. I will say however, that talking to POSOM would seem to me to be a giant red flag to him regarding his involvement with your WW. He most surely will tell her that you and he have spoken and that you asked for him to cooperate and spill the beans or you'll expose to his wife as well. If it were me it would force me underground and I would be doubly cautious from now on. I could be wrong but it seems you may have tipped your hand.


----------



## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> I am certainly not experienced with the surveillance aspect of A's so I won't comment on that since what I've read sounds like good advice. I will say however, that talking to POSOM would seem to me to be a giant red flag to him regarding his involvement with your WW. He most surely will tell her that you and he have spoken and that you asked for him to cooperate and spill the beans or you'll expose to his wife as well. If it were me it would force me underground and I would be doubly cautious from now on. I could be wrong but it seems you may have tipped your hand.


:iagree:
:iagree:

This is not checkers, it's chess.


----------



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

OP, WTF is the point of talking to the other man ? So he can tell you the lies of them never sleeping together ? The lies that him and your wife contrived together. 

You saying to him tell the truth about fvcking my wife or I will tell you, clearly says I really don't know if you fvcked my wife.. Especially when your wife is telling him everything she knows or has and has not told you.. 

Whats stopping your wife from talking to his wife and just taking the beating but just saying, *"Look my husband is nuts. Our friendship might have crossed the line a bit, BUT I NEVER FVCKED YOUR HUSBAND... I NEVER had any sort of sex with him. I NEVER even kissed him."*

I just don't get what your saying with have your posts. It is clear you are thinking some of your words but not typing them out. You need to reread your posts or do a preview.. 

Further I understand that you have info that your not saying or you would never leave the computer. But Its hard to tell even if you confronted your wife and if she admitted anything ? I had to reread this thread twice to make sure I didn't miss anything.

Here is a perfect example of something I just don't get from you



EIP30 said:


> She told me she read an Opr*h book and finally got it, sexually I mean. Really ? For years I discussed it with her but she wouldn't budge and didn't want to grow with me emotionally and sexually.


What are you talking about here.. 

Another thing your failing is to quote the person that your replying to. When 10 people post and you are replying back to number 3 on the list, you should quote that person and then make your remark so people can follow along.. Otherwise we are left wondering who you are talking to when you make these statements.

Yet another shot in the gut for you..

This man can't be so weak if he is making time with your wife.. It is obvious to me at least who wore the pants in your family when it came to sex at least.

Again I am not beating you up, even though it sounds like it. 
But your clearly blaming this other man when its your wife that has the issue. Its YOUR WIFE you need to be dealing with.. This man should have the furry of his wife to deal with, so that you can deal with your wife in peace.. 

I almost feel like you are going to use the VARS for your conversation with the man. Now I get why you might want to record that conversation, but I would hope you use these VARs to hear what your wife is doing instead.. It would suck if you missed out on some important info they chat about after you confront because you were short a VAR..

I honestly agree that unless your going nuts and I don't think you are. ONLY YOU needs to know something isn't right and that YOU are uncomfortable with it.. That is all that matters here.. Something smells rotten and that good enough for me. 

Finally EIP30, its becoming more and more apparent that you had had issues since day one of your marriage. No sex on your honeymoon ?.. Plus how would you know your EX DIDN'T have a low libido with her past dates/relationships ?

What the fvck is your goal here ? Marriage ? Divorce ? What ?!?!

If its divorce as you mentioned, then you don't need to know sh!t.. Just get divorced.. People get divorced for less these days... 

But if you are looking to keep your marriage, then you have played your cards way too early.. Or you should have went postal in the sense of outing her and everyone immediately, instead of trickling it out... 

For me having my Ex wife Text and call some number 100 times a day was more then enough evidence then I needed. I knew my wife well enough that the moment I grilled her she would crumble. Little did I know that me just calling her out on it over the cell phone no less was enough to have her confess.

So you know your wife best, sort of.. 

But I failed to see this affair going underground after she was caught and wanted to "fix our marriage".. 

I failed to out my ex as well when I had the chance.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> MAbout 4 months in *she told me she spoke to him about some of our personal issues*, that she would sometimes talk with him on the phone at work for 45 minutes (mostly work, but it would turn into a vent session)


Physical Affair. End. Period. End.

This is so wrong on so many levels -- her sharing "personal issues" with him about you and your marriage.

Wow. Just wow.


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

EIP30 said:


> ClipClop2 I am not concerned if you do not believe me, or you have an issue with my story being text book(I'll sleep regardless of your judgement). Are you here to play devils advocate for the potential cheaters out there ? If you are not here to help , then why are you here ?


Hey, easy on ClipClop... she's a wise one and has been around the TAM "block" a time or two.

Don't get your feathers ruffled OP...


----------

