# 1st post and not a very good start!



## sos (Oct 29, 2008)

Hi there, been a lurker on this site for a while now, but never posted before. long story short...

been with husband for 8 years, had an affair for a couple of months which ended in june this year because i realised i was doing wrong and loved my husband dearly and wanted to give our relationship 110%. 

i stayed freinds with this other man, the thing is now his girlfriend has found texts to and from me on other mans phone, which is an old, unsed phone from many months ago. and its all blown up. his girlfriend knows me and my husband well and we socialise together often. now i dont know what to do?

other man thinks that she wont tell husband as she said he didnt need to be hurt like that, but what if she does? thats what im thinking about now? i ended it because i love my husband (ok many people think that i dont cuz i did have an affair but i do). but now i dont know what to do. 

i didnt tell my husband cuz it ment nothing and didnt want to hurt him, but what if he finds out now? 

thank you for taking time in reading my post.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Anytime one engages in an affair there is a high likelihood some one is going to get hurt. You are now faced with the consequences of your mistake. Maybe she won’t tell your husband now, but what if her relationship ends with TOM. Will she do it out of spite? Chances are your husband is going to find out at some point. I think you should seriously consider telling him the truth. You can’t got though life with that kind of fear hanging over you. I don’t know anything about your husband or how he might react so please be careful.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Most of the major issues in my relationship with my H are b/c he lied. I can forgive just about anything if the person is honest with me, but a liar destroys love.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sos said:


> Hi there, been a lurker on this site for a while now, but never posted before. long story short...
> 
> been with husband for 8 years, had an affair for a couple of months which ended in june this year because i realised i was doing wrong and loved my husband dearly and wanted to give our relationship 110%.
> 
> ...


now, i think, is the time to taste the bitter taste of your medicine.

honesty being the best policy, it might be a good idea to tell your husband why you strayed, what you discovered and why you are with HIM and not the other guy. then tell him there's evidence out thee about the affair that he ought to know about.

tell him what it is, who knows and what you are willing to do to for damage control. take the bull by the horns. you might think "oh, i couldn't do that, it'd break us up" or whatever. the answer to that is: you had an affair!

good luck. don't spend too much time thinking about it, the fuse is burning right now.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I agree. If you are social with these people it is likely he may find out at some point. It would be much better to come from you, unprovoked than him being blind-sighted by someone else.


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## loveandmarriage (Aug 8, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Most of the major issues in my relationship with my H are b/c he lied. I can forgive just about anything if the person is honest with me, but a liar destroys love.


:iagree: Sometimes betrayal is not the act, but the lies to cover up the act. It is always better to confess, than for your husband to find out on his own and draw his own conclusions about why the affair happened.


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## sos (Oct 29, 2008)

well i took all your advice and told him and it was the worst possible thing i could have done!!!

spent the whole weekend trying to convience him that i was telling the truth but he didnt believe me. 

he will be talking to the other man today, and if for any reason that the other man slightly says any different than its over. he wont be there by the time i get home. 

wish i never told him.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sos said:


> spent the whole weekend trying to convience him that i was telling the truth but he didnt believe me.


What didn't he believe?


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## prettyinpink05 (Nov 1, 2008)

Ok, not trying to be so mean about what I'm about to say but (HEY) u are wondering if ur husband does not find out about ur little affair believe it will not cum out maybe not now but it will cum out later and when it do it really will hurt ur family.....I really hate when people or cheaters say well I-quote-love my husband/wife but then they go fullfill there liitle flings on there MATE and then say those 4 little words L-O-V-E I love my spouse..what ever BULLS$$$ if you ask me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

prettyinpink05 said:


> Ok, not trying to be so mean about what I'm about to say but (HEY) u are wondering if ur husband does not find out about ur little affair believe it will not cum out maybe not now but it will cum out later and when it do it really will hurt ur family.....I really hate when people or cheaters say well I-quote-love my husband/wife but then they go fullfill there liitle flings on there MATE and then say those 4 little words L-O-V-E I love my spouse..what ever BULLS$$$ if you ask me.


I understand from your other post you are hurt, and I agree cheating is wrong, but everyone has an opinion (as they should.)

draconis


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

sos said:


> Hi there, been a lurker on this site for a while now, but never posted before. long story short...
> 
> been with husband for 8 years, had an affair for a couple of months which ended in june this year because i realised i was doing wrong and loved my husband dearly and wanted to give our relationship 110%.
> 
> ...


That is the risk when you cheat. Cheating is a selfish act, period.

draconis


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

sos
you told him and that was good. Of course he is going to very, very angry. You do need to REASSURE HIM that you are going to do everything that needs to be done to earn his trust back. You need to also find a good counsolor in the mean time as well. No matter what happens you were right in telling him even if he decides to leave. 

This is going to take sometime and everything is going to have to be fleshed out. THat is why you both need to see a counsoler to see what is going on underneath everything. Here is a link to get you started. American Association of Christian Counselors 

Remember this is going to take some time and there is no reason to be definsive with him. you have to put it all on the table and let him know that you understand that he is hurt and his trust with you is going to be pretty much nothing. But you are going to do everything you have to do to earn his trust including finding a counsoler that you are going to even if he doesn't. Good luck.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

sos said:


> well i took all your advice and told him and it was the worst possible thing i could have done!!!
> 
> spent the whole weekend trying to convience him that i was telling the truth but he didnt believe me.
> 
> ...


so i guess that disproves that truth is the best policy?!?!?!

c'mon...you wish you never told him translate into "i wish he would've found out some other way" because he would've found out, then who would you blame?

continue to work on the YOU part of the situation and quit blaming outside observers whom you asked advice from. this definitely NOT have to be the end of the road for you two. but you do need to be forthright...be intellectually honest with YOURSELF...WE did not have your affair.

best of luck, and maybe say a prayer. He listens.


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## cowboyfan (Nov 15, 2009)

You did the right thing by telling him. It's better he found out from you than otherwise, it wasn't going to be easy either way. You need to be there for him now in whatever way he needs, best of luck to both of you.


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

I agree that the best thing to do was tell him now. Suck it up, this is going to be hard. Don't expect him to get over it soon.

Please understand that there are a lot of people on this forum who have been cheated on. I haven't read anything that says "I wish I hadn't found out".

You've got a long road ahead. Remember to tell him EVERYTHING HE WANTS TO KNOW. Hold nothing back.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

He will find out. And if you let only come to light at someone else's hand it will be even MORE painful to him. You may just have cost your relationship with him. BUT if you come clean and are completely honest - he will hurt. he will hate for awhile. BUT if he can truly see your pain - and rebuild trust in you - especially because you came clean - than at least you can honestly feel you did the best you could do. And he will most likely appreciate that more. It WILL be found out. NO DOUBT. TELL HIM.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Oh, and them send him here so we can help HIM. Don't leave him hanging. I actually shared some of this forum with my H and it was very healthy for BOTH of us. Seriously.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

sos said:


> *i didnt tell my husband cuz it ment nothing*?


Now that is a lie. You didn't tell him because you didn't want to risk your marriage. I guess it meant something to him.


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