# Apology message to AP's Spouse?



## Ozymandius (Nov 22, 2018)

I participated in an EA in October... Discovered in early November, both BS's informed... Zero contact with AP since two days after discovery (over 3 weeks) 

I am now in multiple counselling programs... Working on salvaging marriage with disappointed/angry spouse... 

However...

I am considering sending an apology (repentance) to the BS via his minister... 

I was the betrayed spouse years ago... so I am aghast/ashamed of causing the pain in his marriage that i experienced in mine... While my affair was cut off prior to it becoming full on sexual adultery, I did exchange love texts and emails and three brief kisses - and when confronted she told him she was in love with me... He very effectively ended the affair within 3 days of discovery... (He had help from my wife on my end) 

Now that I am back from 'limerance land' my guilt and shame has me wondering do I do a third-party mea-culpa or do I just stay the hell away... 

I waffle between both ideas. I lean toward obscurity... Just focus on regaining my wife's trust again....


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Just stay away. If it was just an EA, you will probably make it out of the dog house one day.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Focus on your wife.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Apology might make you feel better, but it is likely that HE does not want to hear from you in any way. Stay the hell away.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Your apology is both meaningless and transparent.It is for your benefit to try and ease your guilty conscience,It will mean nothing to the devastated husband or his children if he has any.
From your other thread it seems you are completely lacking in morality,is this an attempt to restart your affair with your girlfriend?
Leave this man and his family alone,you have done enough damage.
Try working on yourself and figure out why you cheated on your wife despite knowing exactly how it felt to be the betrayed partner in a relationship.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ozymandius said:


> I participated in an EA in October... Discovered in early November, both BS's informed... Zero contact with AP since two days after discovery (over 3 weeks)
> 
> I am now in multiple counselling programs... Working on salvaging marriage with disappointed/angry spouse...
> 
> ...


Don't, you are only doing it to make yourself feel better anyway to in some small way dissuade your guilt. If you get it, it shouldn't work very much anyway. You SHOULD feel guilty, what you did changed that man's life and he will probably suffer for it, at least in some small way, it's only fair that you do too.

Besides leave these people alone. I know in my case even though the responsibility was 95% on the women I had the relationship with, the ******* she cheated on me was and still is the last person I want to hear from. **** him. 

What you are feeling is the consequences for your actions. Accept it. Part of cheating is not excepting your life's circumstances gracefully. It's time for that to stop.


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## Ozymandius (Nov 22, 2018)

Understood... Loud and clear..


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

No!

Staying away in every level is the apology in action.

Minimizing it doesn't make it non sexual - you kissed her.

Just stay away - that's the apology to the husband.

Do the action part to apologise to your wife too... not words (they mean NOYHING)... hand her peace of mind in every way!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have been the BS, I can say that the last thing I would want to hear is an apology from the AP.

The only thing this would serve is to try to make yourself feel better. But it probably will not do that.

You actively entered an affair and purposely burned down his marriage.

If someone purposely burned down your house. What good would an apology for that purposeful action mean? _"I'm sorry that I chose to harm you by burning down your house. I did it on purpose because it made me feel better. But now I'm sorry." _ Nope, not going to help at all.

Leave the AP's BS alone.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ozymandius said:


> Understood... Loud and clear..


You catch on fast. That affair must have been some drug for you to let yourself get involved.


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## brettyboo (May 5, 2018)

Ozymandius said:


> Understood... Loud and clear..


Good.


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## Ozymandius (Nov 22, 2018)

I was quite delusional in my thinking during the affair... the emotional bonding happened so fast... 

I thank God it is finally resolving... (felt like I was losing my mind... what is left of it) 

after I posted this question here... I told my wife that I put a really stupid idea on the TAM board and got set straight in a hurry...

she said it was beyond stupid... that man has suffered greatly and I added to it with my involvement with his wife... 

the BS told my wife that this is the third time she has cheated on him.... I am very lucky he didn't shoot me...

and now that I think about it... she is exactly like my first wife... a serial cheater... 

Using her beauty to entice weak/morally deficient men into 'rescuing her' 

I had actually convinced myself that I was saving her from an abusive relationship...

And in my mad infatuation, I didn't stop to consider the damage I was doing to both my wife and the AP's husband and family... 

He did get me fired, and nearly divorced (she is distant one day, better the next...) and I don't blame him one bit... 

I am going to do my work (boundaries, morality, marriage, etc) and leave him and his family alone...


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Perhaps the best you can do for him is to refer him to this website.

Save him some money on MC


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Focus on your life and marriage and let him do the same.
Do some soul searching and figure out why you are attracted
to that type of person. You said she was just like your first wife.
Don't ever try and be a white knight also, you never know the real
or complete story, just one side of it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ozymandius you want to be forgiven? Prayer can help.

But rubbing salt in the wounds of a betrayed spouse, the wife of whom probably over-stated his cruelty by a fact of 50+? That's not a cool idea.

Let sleeping dogs lie, in my opinion.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ozymandius said:


> I was quite delusional in my thinking during the affair... the emotional bonding happened so fast...
> 
> I thank God it is finally resolving... (felt like I was losing my mind... what is left of it)
> 
> ...


Why are you still focusing on someone else’s marriage and not your own? You are bloody lucky your wife hasn’t dumped you, take your head out of your arse and start putting your focus and effort on your wife and your own marriage.


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## Ozymandius (Nov 22, 2018)

True... My wife has been very forgiving... I am learning to be completely open and upfront with her... She doesn't pry... So I am laying out my life as an open book to her... I am retired now... Last job turned out to be my last... Money is a tool... We have enough to live on... So I am now concentrating on being helpful around the house and taking care of my issues and doing everything with openness and honesty... Plus... It is easier to work on our marriage when I am not at work 60 hours a week (and exhausted when i am home). 

I still don't get her fascination with horses... But they make her happy, so I am a helpful farmhand now...


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

.


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

Ozymandius said:


> and now that I think about it... she is exactly like my first wife... a serial cheater...
> 
> Using her beauty to entice weak/morally deficient men into 'rescuing her'


Oh, Ozzie, I thought you were making progress, now you have dashed my hopes. This is a blaming statement. You may be weak and morally deficient but you also have a history of becoming romantically involved with women you were in a position of power and authority over. You have not addressed this, why is that? Is it because then you have to acknowledge that they were in some sense vulnerable to you and you took advantage of it?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ozymandius said:


> I was quite delusional in my thinking during the affair... the emotional bonding happened so fast...
> 
> I thank God it is finally resolving... (felt like I was losing my mind... what is left of it)
> 
> ...


You make it sound like you were a victim. Sorry dude, you knew better. **** man you had it happen to you!

Again I have to ask you. Do you love your wife? Are you sure you even know what love is? I say this because your posts seem very self focused. Even the post about knowing you did wrong seem SO much about your consequences from cheating. So very little is posted about what your wife is going through. In this respect you are like every single WS who has come here and posted at first. 

Stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about what your actions have done to your wife. 

What will the rest of her life be like now?

What does she have to accept and settle for now if she stays with you?

What happens to all her hopes and dreams that she had about her marriage and the faith she put into you?

All those what must be terribly painful answers for her are because of your actions. 

What are you going to do now because getting better so you don't do that again isn't enough, it's only the very minimum of what you should do. 

Again you feel bad, you feel guilty, you feel stupid, whatever. Frankly who cares! I will say it again, YOU DESERVE to feel all these things. She deserved none of it. 

How are you going to fix it for her so she doesn't feel like she is settling?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ozymandius said:


> Using her beauty to entice weak/morally deficient men into 'rescuing her' ...


Ahhh, I see. You were merely a _victim_ of this manipulative black widow spider who used her incredible super powers to cast a spell on you, leaving you utterly powerless to her feminine ways and wiles.

Got it. 

Did you try to use that same feeble line on your wife and if so, did this bull**** actually work on her?


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## Ozymandius (Nov 22, 2018)

Lots to think about with these replies..... Did I get drug into my bad behavior? No...

No... I was a willing participant... I heard some pretty words and went out of my way to hear more...

I am not a victim... My wife is... AP's husband is... I am a perpetrator...

I came to this site to try to figure out why I did what I did... Well, I did it because it felt really good...

I felt enough guilt during those few weeks that we stopped all physical interactions after 3 pda's in 3 different crowded parking lots...

I have been informed that stopping there makes no difference... An affair is an affair... 

Perhaps I should have screwed her brains out for as few weeks... Same difference, no? lots more fun...

Really... Lots of stones thrown here...

About my wife... We have had a troubled relationship for the whole 16 years we have been married...

I brought psychological issues (background of abuse, PTSD, depression, loss of a child, twice betrayed by women I married...)

She brought a single-minded devotion to her animals... Low sex drive... Anger issues... 

I have stayed with her out of friendship... I loved my first wife... in vain... Had my whole world destroyed by her rampant and unrepentant adultery... I never found out why... All deflection and lies... No closure...

T knew this going in... i warned her... But friend-zone seemed to fit with her desires... i tried to get closer and she shoots down my overtures for sex almost without thinking... I alternate between angry and accepting...

At this point I will be mildly disappointed if she wants a divorce... I haven't had strong feelings for her or her for me in years... Repeated rejection plus depression issues will do that I guess... 

I jumped with both feet toward a woman who spoke of longing and desire for me... I did that...

I am probably someone who should just live alone... Damaged beyond repair...

I feel like I have lived too long as it is.... Something died in me when my daughter died

The affair made me feel like I had something to live for... but that was just another lie I told myself...

As a recently employed healthcare professional in hospice care, I have been jealous of men my age with terminal cancer... There is something courageous about facing death from an incurable disease... 

There is nothing but shame when considering how I plan to take my own life...

I had to put my mother in a nursing home recently... No emotions except wanting to get away as fast as I could... She abused me my entire childhood in every way... physical, verbal, psycological... Mostly with utter disdain and rejection... Hence I have women issues I guess...

I have mental tapes from childhood that play all the time... Worthless, useless, ugly, unloveable, unwanted, etc...

I have hyper-vigilance anxiety and almost no concept of self-worth...

Here I have been told i have no boundaries... No morals... Predatory impulses toward women... 

Sure, why not... 

Once a cheater always a cheater, rIght?

Using authority toward women is like rape?

Well. I'm another OP who wont be back

Thanks to some of you...

A few of you can pound sand


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Ozymandius said:


> Lots to think about with these replies..... Did I get drug into my bad behavior? No...
> 
> No... I was a willing participant... I heard some pretty words and went out of my way to hear more...
> 
> ...


Whether you screwed the AP’s brains out or kissed only three times doesn’t erase the fact that it was a betrayal. And it hurts.

You seem to be relying too much on external validation of relationships for fulfillment. Maybe you should be alone. Not bc you’re damaged, but because you want to fix yourself because of that.

If you really believe that what you feel for your wife is only mere friendship, then why would you stay so long?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm sorry you had such a past and hope you can work through your issues via your professional counseling.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Ozymandius said:


> I was the betrayed spouse years ago... so I am aghast/ashamed of causing the pain in his marriage that i experienced in mine... While my affair was cut off prior to it becoming full on sexual adultery, I did exchange love texts and emails and three brief kisses - and when confronted she told him she was in love with me... He very effectively ended the affair within 3 days of discovery... (He had help from my wife on my end)


I think you need to stay away from these people. Leave them alone. You quote above upsets me because had you really experienced the pain of a BS, like most of us have, you would not have cheated years later. And you are somehow claiming to have an EA involving kissing...... Downplaying....

You are after attention from the BS for some reason. You are not a victim. And it sounds like you are just trying to make it worse.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

No, no, no and no. I had a violent situation a few years back. I had a client a who stupidly attempted to apologize to her AP's wife. She obviously reeeeealllyyyy misread the cues, and should have just not engaged, however as r she finished the apology, AP's wife socked her right in the mouth, causing some damage and trauma. Apparently, she turned to her husband for support, he smiled and said: consequences, and as long as they have gotten to this level, let your AP know that when he least expects it, he will one day find his balls being kicked into the stratosphere by yours truly.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Ozymandius said:


> Lots to think about with these replies..... Did I get drug into my bad behavior? No...
> 
> No... I was a willing participant... I heard some pretty words and went out of my way to hear more...
> 
> ...


Ozymandius, your last post added much more to the story. 

While there are different types of affairs, some seemingly worse and others not so bad, they all hurt the BS. Depending on the BS, even an EA can be devastating because of the words spoken and the emotions that grew. An EA is a betrayal of the heart. The marriage is debased when the WS tells the AP about the 'problems' in the marriage and 'lack of love' for their BS. Private information is shared between the WS and AP, and that is a betrayal to the BS. The marital history is rewritten and told to the AP and that is a betrayal, and devastating to the BS.

You speak about the abuse you experienced at your mother's hand. Children's psyches are damaged when they are abused. Did you ever get counseling for the trauma, so you ccould process it and heal? 

You speak about the lack of love between you and your wife. Does she know about your other issues (your mother, low self esteem, etc.) Those unresolved issues, if you haven't dealt with them, will most definitely affect your behavior toward your wife. If you have 'woman issues' as you said, you will have acted out against your wife, since she is a woman. Or did you choose a woman who would not love you, like your mother?

Your AP spoke words of admiration to you, and so you moved in closer so you could hear more. However since you are not a healthy man, you failed to take the whole reality into account. You isolated her nice words from the fact that she was also married. You let her convince you that she was also going to leave her husband for you. You failed to realize that a person who cheats on their spouse, no matter how abusive the spouse, is not a healthy or honest person. Why didn't she leave her husband before reaching out to you? Because she is not an honest or healthy person.

Why didn't you leave your wife years ago, if the two of you are just friends, and you are not happy with the situation?

Your ideations of suicide are another issue. You are dealing with depression. Perhaps the OW was a temporary fix, with all the oxytocin flooding your body resulting in limerance, but the original causes for the depression weren't dealt with so when the affair ended, you were left more reasons to be depressed. The fact that she threw you under the bus, your shame for having an affair, and the humiliation of knowing your own problems were what allowed you to consider an affair in the first place can now be added to the list of things that contribute to your pain and desire to not feel it anymore.

Some people here are triggered and others are just harsh. You have to have thick skin, and a willingness to read with an open mind and seriously consider what is valid in your case and what is not.

I can't remember if anyone has recommended these books to you:

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
After the Affair by Janis Spring
No More Mr. Nice Guy (can read a free PDF online)
His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley
Love Busters by Dr. Willard Harley

I would recommend that both you and your wife read them all together. The dynamic of your marriage needs to be changed if you are to be happy. Your wife is most likely not happy either. These books will bring to light issues that are hidden, as well as some of which you are already aware. 

Your life can get better. You have to be willing to dig deep and make decisions based on integrity a desire to live an authentic and healthy life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Ozymandius said:


> Lots to think about with these replies..... Did I get drug into my bad behavior? No...
> 
> No... I was a willing participant... I heard some pretty words and went out of my way to hear more...
> 
> ...


This may all be true, and it sounds like you had a hard life. But you know what lots of people do. Lots of us have too. Not everyone cheats so you can't use that as an excuse. 

Besides all that, thinking and acting like THIS isn't going to make you a better husband or fix what you have broken.

Go read FaithfulOnes posts on here. She is someone who now gets the magnitude of what she did. 

The first step is humility. You can see this in her posts. That is not what a post like this is. 

Besides that I will continue to go back to the fact though that it seems like your marriage was one of convenience and even with the best intentions that may be hard to keep together. You need to think long and hard about this because you don't want to hurt your wife more then you already have. 

If you don't truly love your wife don't stay with her. Certainly don't stay with her out of guilt because in the end that won't be enough and she probably wouldn't want it anyway.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I know everyone has chimed in and corrected your thinking quickly.

If I was the OWH, she would be gone but you would be in my cross hairs.

It is primal territory trying to slip yourself into another man's bedroom.

I'm not saying the betrayed husband is like me but there are enough of us that it should make anyone making a play for a married woman sweat.

Since you would already be in my sights, sending me a letter would probably zero me in on your 6 rapidly.

If he wanted information about the affair from you? Well that might be worth considering.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. I get where you are coming from. People need to feel loved and desired.

You need it. If your wife is unwilling or incapable, you deserve something real and I encourage you to go find her.

No matter how much time you have left, living with fulfillment is worth it.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

OP, it takes two to have an affair. You did not hurt her H, she was the one who broke her trust with him. You really owe him no apology, because it was not you who hurt him, it was your AP. You, however broke the trust with your own W so it is to her that you owe the apology and contrition. Focus on your own problems and do not go looking for more.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ozymandius said:


> True... My wife has been very forgiving... I am learning to be completely open and upfront with her... She doesn't pry... So I am laying out my life as an open book to her... I am retired now... Last job turned out to be my last... Money is a tool... We have enough to live on... So I am now concentrating on being helpful around the house and taking care of my issues and doing everything with openness and honesty... Plus... It is easier to work on our marriage when I am not at work 60 hours a week (and exhausted when i am home).
> 
> I still don't get her fascination with horses... But they make her happy, so I am a helpful farmhand now...


Horses are the most beautiful of creatures and noble and strong to boot. Perhaps you ought to learn something from them.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> OP, it takes two to have an affair.* You did not hurt her H, she was the one who broke her trust with him.* You really owe him no apology, because it was not you who hurt him, it was your AP. You, however broke the trust with your own W so it is to her that you owe the apology and contrition. Focus on your own problems and do not go looking for more.


 I see this written again and again and think it's utter tripe. Yeah, OM didn't make vows to obs but if they knew the AP was married they are culpable. It's like everyone has to blame 1 person and 1 person only. There's room in the blame tank for all involved, be it the wayward spouse, OM/OW, friends that helped, family that helped, etc. They all suck and they all deserve their share of the blame, and retribution too if that is your thing.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> I see this written again and again and think it's utter tripe. Yeah, OM didn't make vows to obs but if they knew the AP was married they are culpable. It's like everyone has to blame 1 person and 1 person only. There's room in the blame tank for all involved, be it the wayward spouse, OM/OW, friends that helped, family that helped, etc. They all suck and they all deserve their share of the blame, and retribution too if that is your thing.


Sorry, but I disagree. People are married and remain married for all sorts of reason. The OP only knew what he was told. The AP told him the H was abusive, the OP also said the AP was a serial cheater so who knows what other things she told him (divorce was filed, H refused to sign etc). 
The OP is admittedly a POS (by his own admittance) but he did not set out to hurt this guy. If the OP had set out to seduce this married woman, then you might have a point. Otherwise you are just projecting your own pain on everyone else. 
Also from the sounds of it, the AP's H got his retribution by having him fired.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

If you're not already familiar with it, check out "Surviving an Affair" by William F. Harley. (Their website is www.marriagebuilders.com) This would be for your wife and you. Just leave that guy alone. He is married to a serial cheater and will have to decide what he's going to do about that. But hopefully your wife is not and maybe your marriage can be better than ever in the future.





Ozymandius said:


> I was quite delusional in my thinking during the affair... the emotional bonding happened so fast...
> 
> I thank God it is finally resolving... (felt like I was losing my mind... what is left of it)
> 
> ...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Ozymandius said:


> Now that I am back from 'limerance land' my guilt and shame has me wondering do I do a third-party mea-culpa or do I just stay the hell away...


A fellow on Reddit was just recently talking about forgiveness. He's hanging on to anger, anger that catches him off guard when he's triggered, and he'd like to be able to let go and truly forgive the AP. In light of that, I say send the apology. Perhaps your apology would help the BS heal. Trust me, he hasn't forgotten you exist and likely won't for many years, if ever.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> Sorry, but I disagree. People are married and remain married for all sorts of reason. The OP only knew what he was told. The AP told him the H was abusive, the OP also said the AP was a serial cheater so who knows what other things she told him (divorce was filed, H refused to sign etc).
> The OP is admittedly a POS (by his own admittance) but he did not set out to hurt this guy. If the OP had set out to seduce this married woman, then you might have a point. Otherwise you are just projecting your own pain on everyone else.
> Also from the sounds of it, the AP's H got his retribution by having him fired.


 We'll just have to agree to disagree.
You don't mess around with married people, no matter what you're told. Pretty simple concept.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> We'll just have to agree to disagree.
> You don't mess around with married people, no matter what you're told. Pretty simple concept.


I agree you don't mess around with married people, but what if they aren't married still by choice? I have met men and women who are technically still married, yet have been going through the process for years because of a scorched earth policy by their SO. Are those people untouchable? Are these people supposed to not live their life because of a technicality?
We do not know what stories she told the OP. He thought he was rescuing her and it turns out she was a serial cheater, so perhaps she lied to him? Is that the OP's fault? Is that the AP's H's fault? We can't apologize for the actions of others, only what we did ourselves.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> I agree you don't mess around with married people, but what if they aren't married still by choice? I have met men and women who are technically still married, yet have been going through the process for years because of a scorched earth policy by their SO. Are those people untouchable? Are these people supposed to not live their life because of a technicality?
> *We do not know what stories she told the OP.* He thought he was rescuing her and it turns out she was a serial cheater, so perhaps she lied to him? Is that the OP's fault? Is that the AP's H's fault? We can't apologize for the actions of others, only what we did ourselves.


We do know she is still married and the OP is fully aware of that fact.
I don't do equivocation or "what ifs". If I was single and wanted a partner or even an FB, *I* would not mess around with a married person, no matter what the story, truth or fiction. You, obviously, are free to justify or excuse it however you deem necessary to make it palatable to you. That's the beauty of free will.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Rubix Cubed said:


> We do know she is still married and the OP is fully aware of that fact.
> I don't do equivocation or "what ifs". If I was single and wanted a partner or even an FB, *I* would not mess around with a married person, no matter what the story, truth or fiction. You, obviously, are free to justify or excuse it however you deem necessary to make it palatable to you. That's the beauty of free will.


It isn't about free will or making anything palatable, it is about understanding reality for what it is and not filtering it through the prism of your own pain and suffering. Not everything is black and white despite your apparent wish that it were.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Ynot said:


> It isn't about free will or making anything palatable, it is about understanding reality for what it is and not filtering it through the prism of your own pain and suffering. Not everything is black and white despite your apparent wish that it were.


 And as I said we can agree to disagree, that's the grey area.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

If some skank had an affair with my husband - EA or PA, it doesn't matter - and then reached out to me to apologise, I would tell her to go F herself.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

frusdil said:


> If some skank had an affair with my husband - EA or PA, it doesn't matter - and then reached out to me to apologise, I would tell her to go F herself.


I would accept if he bought me a beer after attempting 3 rounds with me.

I'm simply not civilized enough for a written one.>


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