# Feeling betrayed by lies



## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

I am feeling trapped and defeated.

About a year and a half ago I discovered my husband had been spending thousands of dollars on an online war game (played on his phone). I found the game reciepts which amounted to more than $10,000 over the course of about 8 months. I freaked out (inwardly) as in my mind it was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a game. That night I confronted him about it and he told me he just really enjoyed it, and he could afford it so why not? I told him it seemed like it was an addiction, so he should delete it. He said he would not spend money on it again, but refused to delete. 

About six months later, I decide to look through his phone and see if there are any more receipts. I find none, _yay_. Upon further digging, I discover he has simply turned off email notifications for receipts, and has spent thousands more (10k+). I am crushed. Betrayed. I decide to write him a letter, as I am not good with words on the spot in conversation. I detail in the letter what I found, how I discovered it, and that I felt incredibly betrayed by his lies. It completely broke my trust, making me wonder what else he was lying about. I left to stay at a hotel that night after leaving the letter on the couch for him, hoping that giving him time would enable him to think about everything I said and hopefully show him how truly heartbroken I felt over it. I came home the next day and we sat down and talked. He continued to lie during our conversation, denying he had spent money, until I physically showed him on his phone the evidence. He also sent a member of the game $6500 as an "investment" (which turned out to be a scam) and lied about that too. He eventually fessed up after being busted, cried and promised to never spend another dollar on it again. Swore to me, never again. He continued to swear to me over the next year he hadnt spent a dime on it.

Fast forward exactly a year to now. The past year has been really difficult for me, and ive wanted so badly to trust him. I have thought about his lies every day for the past year. I didnt look through his phone this entire time. A few nights ago we were having an emotional conversation about other things, and he brought up that he had started spending money again, a week ago. Said he felt so guilty and just wanted to be honest with me. He apologized....then asked if we could come to an agreement where he could spend a budget set by me on it each month, so we both win, and he wouldnt be tempted. I then asked to look through his phone, and discovered he had spent an additional $800 in June (which he hadnt told me about, including in tonights conversation)- and when I asked him what the $800 was spent on, he said it was for a gun sent to him from Australia in the mail. Except the receipt said it was for the game. Has he learned nothing? 
I really want to trust him SO badly, but I just keep getting more lies every time I go looking for the truth. Kudos to him for telling me he started spending again, but shouldnt he have told me about the $800 back in June?? In all honesty, this all has very little to do with the money and everything to do with honesty and trust. If he can lie about that, what else will he lie about? Do I let him have a budget and continue playing, or stomp my foot down like a tyrant and ask him to delete it?? Or does that make me controlling. Is he ever going to stop lying to me? What would you do?


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## Vorpal (Feb 23, 2020)

He's an addict. Addicts lie. So, my late wife, an alcoholic told me. If you want to live with a liar, stay. If you want your finances, feelings and future betrayed stay.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is basically like a heroin addict asking you for a monthly heroine budget. 

So I will turn the question back on to you - how much heroine would be ok?

How much meth is ok. How much crack? 

If someone was a sex addict, how many hookers a month would be ok?


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

Im inclined to think hes not an addict, as in, he has gone months without playing this game, also months of playing it and not spending on it. He can afford it, thats not the issue- moreso that he lies to me about it, as well as other things. Is his love of this game more important than me?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

In order to give you a better answer I’d need to know the exact game.

The amount of money is obviously important otherwise he could just tell you he spends it and you’d be fine.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> In order to give you a better answer I’d need to know the exact game.
> 
> The amount of money is obviously important otherwise he could just tell you he spends it and you’d be fine.


It is a war game. I think as far as the money being important goes, I worry that his financial "investment" will cause a greater need to play more and more frequently, as it has been at times. When he isnt spending $$$, hes less interested.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You are giving him credit for owning up about his last spending on this game. You are missing the point. It’s easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. 
He’s still lying to you.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Supermoon said:


> Im inclined to think hes not an addict, as in, he has gone months without playing this game, also months of playing it and not spending on it. He can afford it, thats not the issue- moreso that he lies to me about it, as well as other things. Is his love of this game more important than me?


sure it is because he’s willing to lie abd betray you to keep playing.

you are looking for excuses for his lies and sneakiness. There are none.

he loves his games more than your marriage. You can’t change that. You will always feel betrayed if you stay. So divorce him. Do you work and make enough money on your own to support yourself each month?

does he work?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Get all the income and savings put in your name and get rid of any bank cards or credit cards he has. 
You say you aren't worried about the money but it's a LOT if money. Yes the lies and deception are worse.
In your place I would give him the choice of me or the game. If he carries on then separate.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I'm sure I'm going to get challenged for this post, but here it is.

As CCPowerslave says, the exact game could give some insight into this. I play an online war game and have spent similar or more. Why?

Primary reason: The game has an online platform. I was lonely in my marriage, the chat and banter filled that loneliness.

Secondary reasons: The actual game is fun, but more fun when levelling up. That can be accelerated by spending. I got even more fulfillment from the game. I set myself a monthly budget which came from my entertainment budget. This is my hobby. It was no more than what my husband was spending on his hobbies. During the pandemic and lockdown, I had nothing else to spend on, no other way to entertain myself, so my clothing and other budgets went on the game too. I never hid the spend from my husband, neither did I hide my online interactions. 

I am now separated from my husband and my divorce should be final tomorrow. I still play the game, this group of people got me through some difficult times. I don't spend as much, not because I can't afford to, but because I have a better balance in life again. 
I am in a new relationship with someone I met in the game and grew close to during my separation, the game is no longer an emotional crutch for me. We play the game together, but we also make alot of quality time for us. 

In this I want to point out 2 key things:
1. I was lonely in my marriage
2. I am now in a relationship with someone from the game.

I think you need to understand why your husband is choosing that particular game. What is the attraction for him? The above is my story, there may not be more to it for him than simply enjoying the game. If this is the case, my advice is to make it transparent and set a budget. If there is more to it, then the deeper reasons need to be addressed. 

I want to be clear, the game and my new relationship is not why I divorced my husband, there were deeper reasons for my loneliness which could not be overcome and we tried MC before separating.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Yeah it’s exactly that. Depending on what game it is there can be more to it than the game itself.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Supermoon said:


> _*Do I let him have a budget and continue playing, or stomp my foot down like a tyrant and ask him to delete it?? Or does that make me controlling. Is he ever going to stop lying to me? What would you do?*_


So just exactly, how many times DOES this guy need to **** all over you before you finally open your eyes?

Why on EARTH women put up with idiots like this who continually disrespect them is a mystery for the ages.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Yeah it’s exactly that. Depending on what game it is there can be more to it than the game itself.


Absolutely- he says the guys he talks to in the game are really good friends. They all follow each other on facebook and call each other to talk or for advice. Its why ive had a hard time asking him to get rid of it alltogether.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I'm sure I'm going to get challenged for this post, but here it is.
> 
> As CCPowerslave says, the exact game could give some insight into this. I play an online war game and have spent similar or more. Why?
> 
> ...


This was really helpful, as I think its a similar game. The one my husband plays is called "z day". He started playing because he had so much free time on weekends etc, but kept on becuase of the comraderie and friendships with his region/team. He has asked me to play but im just not interested.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Supermoon said:


> I told him it seemed like it was an addiction, so he should delete it. He said he would not spend money on it again, but refused to delete.





Supermoon said:


> I then asked to look through his phone, and discovered he had spent an additional $800 in June (which he hadnt told me about, including in tonights conversation)- and when I asked him what the $800 was spent on, he said it was for a gun sent to him from Australia in the mail. Except the receipt said it was for the game. Has he learned nothing?


^^This^^ indicates to me that he has learned something, and that is he can lie and hide things from you without any dire consequences. I'm not a fan of liars. Your husband appears to be one. Why is he lying about this to you? Care to venture a guess? Oh, yeah ... and if he lies about this, I imagine he lies about other stuff too. Not a good character trait, is it?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Gambling and gaming is very addictive. Combine the two tans we’re talking crack like addiction for some. He needs get help for this. Even though he has a problem, it doesn’t negate the fact that what he’s doing is financial infidelity. It’s a form of betrayal. You need to put your foot down and insist that he get help or that you will leave him. He will drag you to the poor house with this gambling addiction.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

jsmart said:


> Gambling and gaming is very addictive.


Amen to that. The thing is, addicts lie and hide what they're doing. As far as gaining friends and camaraderie from gaming, ever been in a bar with a bunch of boozers? Yeah, they're all slapping one another on the back, trading stories, and calling everyone their "buddy." And they justify sitting their ass on a bar stool and spending LOTS of money on booze because, after all, they're hanging with their buds. 

And, circling back to my previous question, why do YOU think your husband lied about spending all that money on gaming? And, more importantly, will there be any consequences for his actions?


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> ^^This^^ indicates to me that he has learned something, and that is he can lie and hide things from you without any dire consequences. I'm not a fan of liars. Your husband appears to be one. Why is he lying about this to you? Care to venture a guess? Oh, yeah ... and if he lies about this, I imagine he lies about other stuff too. Not a good character trait, is it?


I honestly think he is lying to me because A) he loves the game and doesnt want to stop playing and B) he knows i will be upset if i know he is spending money on it. He has also lied about other things which i am sure ill post about at some point.


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

Prodigal said:


> Amen to that. The thing is, addicts lie and hide what they're doing. As far as gaining friends and camaraderie from gaming, ever been in a bar with a bunch of boozers? Yeah, they're all slapping one another on the back, trading stories, and calling everyone their "buddy." And they justify sitting their ass on a bar stool and spending LOTS of money on booze because, after all, they're hanging with their buds.
> 
> And, circling back to my previous question, why do YOU think your husband lied about spending all that money on gaming? And, more importantly, will there be any consequences for his actions?


Here is the thing. Being someone who wont divorce, i feel "trapped" because i dont know what other "consequence" there could be for him that would be bad enough to make him stop lying. What are my options besides leaving him? Thats not an option for me, nor is it what i want.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Since divorce/separation is off the table, I guess you'll just have to learn to accept and tolerate his lies. You could try marriage counseling. Hopefully, he'd be agreeable to that. If not, you can opt for individual counseling. Since divorce/separation isn't a viable option for you, I'd suggest you work on not feeling "trapped." After all, you alone are responsible for making the decision to stay. If that's your desire, then I don't understand why you would feel "trapped." Nobody is putting a gun to your head and telling you that you have to stay with your husband. The best route is to see if he is agreeable to counseling.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Supermoon said:


> This was really helpful, as I think its a similar game. The one my husband plays is called "z day". He started playing because he had so much free time on weekends etc, but kept on becuase of the comraderie and friendships with his region/team. He has asked me to play but im just not interested.


It's not the same game but it's similar. 
Here you say he has so much free time on weekends, how come? Is sufficient time spent with you? Family etc? 

Then I also saw you posted that he's lied about other things. What else has he lied about?


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## Supermoon (Oct 21, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> It's not the same game but it's similar.
> Here you say he has so much free time on weekends, how come? Is sufficient time spent with you? Family etc?
> 
> Then I also saw you posted that he's lied about other things. What else has he lied about?


He has his own business so he can play on the job, and he plays all the time while at home, at least the majority of the time. Im pretty independent so im happy do my own thing too, but its exhausting when we are visiting friends, spending time with our kids or on a gettaway for him to be on his phone so much. Its like the saying where you money is there your heart will be also.

As far as other lies, just stupid stuff like lying about watching porn, etc.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Supermoon said:


> I am feeling trapped and defeated.
> 
> About a year and a half ago I discovered my husband had been spending thousands of dollars on an online war game (played on his phone). I found the game reciepts which amounted to more than $10,000 over the course of about 8 months. I freaked out (inwardly) as in my mind it was a ridiculous amount of money to spend on a game. That night I confronted him about it and he told me he just really enjoyed it, and he could afford it so why not? I told him it seemed like it was an addiction, so he should delete it. He said he would not spend money on it again, but refused to delete.
> 
> ...


Wow. That's all I can say.

I'm sorry that is happening. The only thing you can do is make it a condition of marriage that he deletes that game.
I can only guess that he's very bad at that game if he has to spend so much money getting anywhere in it.
95% of addicts are addicts because they are unfulfilled internally and they don't have the interpersonal skills to bridge their gap.


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