# Do you consider this cheating?



## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

I went to unlock my husband's phone to put cartoons on for the kids. When it unlocked, an incognito tab showed with a video of his ex on all fours getting herself off. This is a porn video she did that he had to search for on Google to find. He admitted he got off on it. I feel cheated on. I'm hurting and I'm just looking to get some perspective and guidance.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Yes, I'd consider that cheating and a very slippery slope. I don't consider porn cheating but that's a step too far.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

bobert said:


> Yes, I'd consider that cheating and a very slippery slope. I don't consider porn cheating but that's a step too far.


Porn in our marriage has never been an issue although I did start to feel differently a few months ago just after giving birth.

He doesn't see it as cheating because it wasn't "physical". It's hard to put into words why I feel cheated on even though it wasn't physical.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Beeaf said:


> Porn in our marriage has never been an issue although I did start to feel differently a few months ago just after giving birth.
> 
> He doesn't see it as cheating because it wasn't "physical". It's hard to put into words why I feel cheated on even though it wasn't physical.


There are emotional affairs, physical affairs and a huge area in between. Your husband may not agree but jerking off to his ex would be considered cheating by many.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Honestly, I'd be shocked if any woman was okay with it. The post-birth hormones certainly won't help but even without that I think most women would be very hurt. 

Even if he disagrees, he needs to understand how hurt you are and that you are not okay with it happening ever again.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Beeaf said:


> Porn in our marriage has never been an issue although I did start to feel differently a few months ago just after giving birth.
> 
> He doesn't see it as cheating because it wasn't "physical". It's hard to put into words why I feel cheated on even though it wasn't physical.


I see it as cheating yes, and I see porn the same way. Like you I would be very hurt and feel very betrayed if my husband did that. The fact that he cant see what is wrong with it is very troubling, especially as he will probably carry on doing it.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

This would hurt a lot. It’s not like it’s some random he’s getting off on. It’s an ex. Ugh. 😞 I’m sorry. I don’t know what I’d do.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It doesn't matter what WE consider as cheating, what matters is what YOU consider as cheating, and YOUR standards you dont compromise - for anyone.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

It doesn’t matter what HE thinks. If he is trying to act like this wasn’t a big deal, he is way wrong. And you don’t need his approval to make it a big deal. Why in the world would be google his ex?!? Why not just watch porn? Does he still talk to her? Now if I were you I would want to look through his phone and email and Facebook to make sure he isn’t talking to her.
And if he has nothing to hid, he should show you. Bc now trust is broken, it’s time for transparency to see what’s really going on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Beeaf said:


> I went to unlock my husband's phone to put cartoons on for the kids. When it unlocked, an incognito tab showed with a video of his ex on all fours getting herself off. This is a porn video she did that he had to search for on Google to find. He admitted he got off on it. I feel cheated on. I'm hurting and I'm just looking to get some perspective and guidance.


That's pretty messed up.

The porn itself would be something that should be agreed on by both of you but this is someone he already knows and had relations with.

Very over the line and I would probably feel cheated if I were you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Cheating? No. Inappropriate? Definitely.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

I just want to know more!!! Like where was this video uploaded? How did he know where it was? When was it taped? Was this from back when he was with his ex? 
I am wondering if the ex is in on this.......hmmm....

You should share more about how long married, together, how long ex deal was, etc.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

bobsmith said:


> I just want to know more!!! Like where was this video uploaded? How did he know where it was? When was it taped? Was this from back when he was with his ex?
> I am wondering if the ex is in on this.......hmmm....
> 
> You should share more about how long married, together, how long ex deal was, etc.


Him and his ex girlfriend were together for 3 years. When they broke up, she decided to venture into porn and made two videos. I didn't know this until all this happened. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years.

This video was on some porn site. He had to Google her porn name to find it. He said it was his first time searching for it. They are not in contact. I do 100% trust that they aren't in contact. The video is of her in a bedroom being filmed undressing and masturbating. It was not filmed by him and he didn't have anything to do with it overall.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> It doesn't matter what WE consider as cheating, what matters is what YOU consider as cheating, and YOUR standards you dont compromise - for anyone.


We had talked about what we saw as cheating at the beginning of our relationship but with media, phones, the internet, there really is a black void. I never thought to specify this as cheating but I thought it was a given. He says it was wrong but that he doesn't consider it as cheating. Whether we see eye to eye on it being cheating or not, I definitely feel it does the same damage.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I not sure about 'cheating'. I wouldn't tolerate it. IT is so beyond inappropriate. I can see exactly why it was hurtful.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Oh please, that is extremely disrespectful to you, and a serious matter to deal with because it's his ex, but cheating ? no, I don't think so. As a matter of fact it's not. OP, there's too many people in these forum that are projecting and will be projecting when it come to issues like this. He is probably just occasionally getting off it, but I'm pretty sure that he is not at all wishing to be with her having sex. It's just mental masturbation, and he is using a know body in this case to do it. Most men masturbate, and depending where they are in their life, it can be to the love of their life, or it can the witch of the east, but at the end it's just that, masturbation to get off. Nothing else.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Was it something he kept secret because he knew you wouldn't approve? Then it's dishonest and disrespectful, even if it isn't cheating. If you're going to argue over it, don't let him deflect your attention to arguing over the definition of cheating. Focus on the disrespect and dishonesty.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

@Rob_1, I just cannot quite agree, though I have no dog in this fight. The fact is it sounds like the H did not disclose the porn life details to the W, then mentally sought out her specifically online. 

I will be honest here, I think the H is "wishing" his W was a little more like that. This gets dicey depending on people and I realize the OP just had a KID and does not need this BS right now! That is pretty low, IMO, but I have seen it all on this forum. 

OP, this might ruffle your feathers but the flip side is being a little more adventurous. Personally, I think the whole thing is a little twisted but I have never had a porn star for a partner.....


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Beeaf said:


> We had talked about what we saw as cheating at the beginning of our relationship but with media, phones, the internet, there really is a black void. I never thought to specify this as cheating but I thought it was a given. He says it was wrong but that he doesn't consider it as cheating. Whether we see eye to eye on it being cheating or not, I definitely feel it does the same damage.


As it does the same damage then you need to be firm with this. Regardless of him having different standards of fidelity he should acknowledge that its hurts you and desist. 

Fidelity shouldn't be about "oh, I think I should be able to do this because this isn't cheating to me" it should be "this is cheating to you, this is your boundary, and I make the choice not to hurt you"

I don't consider giving a single girl a lift home in my car cheating at all because hey - nothing happens - but my partner does, so do I do it? No! I also don't feel comfortable with her going out to single parties alone with loads of drunk single guys who like to go all touchy feely so does she go without me? No! We aren't even married yet.

My partner also has her own standards that are much higher than my past partners and I had to make a choice which is more important. Porn has no place in our relationship, period. 
P.S. I also wouldn't want my partner to look at photos of her exs and masturbate to them!!!!


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> It doesn't matter what WE consider as cheating, what matters is what YOU consider as cheating, and YOUR standards you dont compromise - for anyone.


We had talked about what we saw as cheating at the beginning of our relationship but with media, phones, the internet, there really is a black void. I never thought to specify this as cheating but I thought it was a given. He says it was wrong but that he doesn't consider it as cheating. Whether we see eye to eye on it being cheating or not I definitely feel it does the same damage.

{Moderator Note: I removed a post that you quoted. The quoted/deleted post was by a troll who has been permanently banned.}


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

LOL! Wow looks like I rattled someone big time 

He even made a mirror account!!! Quite an achievement 🤣🤣🤣🤣


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yes.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Beeaf said:


> Porn in our marriage has never been an issue although I did start to feel differently a few months ago just after giving birth.
> 
> He doesn't see it as cheating because it wasn't "physical". It's hard to put into words why I feel cheated on even though it wasn't physical.


You feel cheated and rightly so. How would he feel if you were using a dildo on yourself while watching a video of your ex. He would be pissed im sure.

The Bible says if you look at someone and lust after them you have already committed adultry in you heart.

So if you are getting off while fantasizing about sex with someone other than your spouse you are committing adultry. Otherwise it would be like saying i did not have an affair with coworker because we did not have sex. EA dont count.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Beeaf said:


> I went to unlock my husband's phone to put cartoons on for the kids. When it unlocked, an incognito tab showed with a video of his ex on all fours getting herself off. This is a porn video she did that he had to search for on Google to find. He admitted he got off on it. I feel cheated on. I'm hurting and I'm just looking to get some perspective and guidance.


You asked for opinions I'll give you mine.

Did he cheat on you for watching a video of his ex? 

No.

Had it been any *other* porn bimbo that popped up on his screen, would you be making this over-the-top accusation that he "cheated" on you? I'm willing to bet you *wouldn't* be posting here asking if he cheated had it been some anonymous porn starlet, so just because it's his ex doesn't make it any *different. *It's a porn video.

Did he *disrespect* you jacking off to his ex's porn video?

Yes he did.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It's wrong and inappropriate.

However I don't think it's cheating though. I don't think any porn is cheating because if it's just getting off on porn alone then it is a solitary activity and can't fit the normal definition of an affair or cheating, that takes two people. There is also no emotional component to it. If there is you have more problems then naked pictures. As soon as you have interaction then I don't think it's porn, for instance Cam Girls, Strippers, etc. That's cheating.

Can it cause significant problems in your marriage. Yes. Do you have a right to be upset. I think so.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

People can swing and have open relationships and not consider it cheating, which to me it isn't either. But that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't consider it cheating even with spousal permission and that's their standard.

I just find the whole question "Is this cheating" asking others just silly. I just hope OP take our opinions as they are, opinions, and make up her own mind and sticks with it.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

RandomDude said:


> LOL! Wow looks like I rattled someone big time
> 
> He even made a mirror account!!! Quite an achievement 🤣🤣🤣🤣


And then he deleted it. That was weird.


RandomDude said:


> People can swing and have open relationships and not consider it cheating, which to me it isn't either. But that doesn't mean someone else wouldn't consider it cheating even with spousal permission and that's their standard.
> 
> I just find the whole question "Is this cheating" asking others just silly. I just hope OP take our opinions as they are, opinions, and make up her own mind and sticks with it.


I am. Thank you for your input. I know my standards and my feelings of it and he knew them before he did it. I will not change my standards. I just wanted some other perspectives to reflect on. Our first marriage counseling appointment is today at 3:00 and I'm really nervous but we'll see how it goes.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

I think it's weird that he would get off by looking up a video/pic of his ex. Why is he getting off on her, and not on you? Why is he stuck in the past? I would absolutely feel betrayed by this. Did she send him the video/pic? Do they have any contact?


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You asked for opinions I'll give you mine.
> 
> Did he cheat on you for watching a video of his ex?
> 
> ...


Thank you for your opinion. I do think it is different because the ex is someone he had a sexual long-term relationship with. She's not just some object/stranger like a random woman in a porn video would be.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Beeaf said:


> He had to Google her porn name to find it. He said it was his first time searching for it.


This is BS...


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Beeaf said:


> And then he deleted it. That was weird.


Yeah was hilarious though WTF  



> I am. Thank you for your input. I know my standards and my feelings of it and he knew them before he did it. I will not change my standards. I just wanted some other perspectives to reflect on. Our first marriage counseling appointment is today at 3:00 and I'm really nervous but we'll see how it goes.


Good, glad to hear it!

Remain true to yourself like you have been and you'll be fine, take this opportunity to really iron things out.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

To be clear, Like I say previously: it is not cheating, but it is an act that is grossly disrespectful to you and to your marriage. If it were me having this particular situation, it would definitively be grounds for divorce, actually, I think that I would divorce over it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Beeaf said:


> Him and his ex girlfriend were together for 3 years. When they broke up, she decided to venture into porn and made two videos. I didn't know this until all this happened. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years.
> 
> This video was on some porn site. He had to Google her porn name to find it. He said it was his first time searching for it. They are not in contact. I do 100% trust that they aren't in contact. The video is of her in a bedroom being filmed undressing and masturbating. It was not filmed by him and he didn't have anything to do with it overall.


Of course he said its the first time he did it, they all say that.


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## Kendahke (Sep 28, 2020)

Beeaf said:


> He doesn't see it as cheating because it wasn't "physical". It's hard to put into words why I feel cheated on even though it wasn't physical.


I think it's cheating-and it crosses the line into emotional cheating due to his _intimate familiarity_ with her, sexually. If she was just some random porn star, it would be different. But *he knows how she is sexually* whereas a porn star, unless she was an ex, he doesn't. That is why you're offended, and rightfully so. Ask him would he be upset if you had a video on your phone of your ex spanking his member and bringing up your name in the process? I'm guessing his hair would be ablaze over it.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

You said he found the clip online, which sounds like BS to me. More than likely, she sent it to him. That would concern me more. He hasn't cheated...yet.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

GC1234 said:


> I think it's weird that he would get off by looking up a video/pic of his ex. Why is he getting off on her, and not on you? Why is he stuck in the past? I would absolutely feel betrayed by this. Did she send him the video/pic? Do they have any contact?


they don't have contact. At 5 months postpartum, our sex life is not the most active.


Dadto2 said:


> You said he found the clip online, which sounds like BS to me. More than likely, she sent it to him. That would concern me more. He hasn't cheated...yet.


I know he found it online. I googled her fake name and was able to find it too. I shouldn't have because I have it seared in my mind now.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

Kendahke said:


> I think it's cheating-and it crosses the line into emotional cheating due to his _intimate familiarity_ with her, sexually. If she was just some random porn star, it would be different. But *he knows how she is sexually* whereas a porn star, unless she was an ex, he doesn't. That is why you're offended, and rightfully so. Ask him would he be upset if you had a video on your phone of your ex spanking his member and bringing up your name in the process? I'm guessing his hair would be ablaze over it.


That is an interesting way of looking at it. Thank you for your input. I'll give an update to this after our counseling today.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Beeaf said:


> they don't have contact. At 5 months postpartum, our sex life is not the most active.
> 
> I know he found it online. I googled her fake name and was able to find it too. I shouldn't have because I have it seared in my mind now.


Ohh congratulations! I just had a baby 2 months ago also, but we have sex a good amount... why isn't your sex life active? Is that on his part, or your part? Ooo, yeah, probably shouldn't have looked her up. Never a good idea.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

@GC1234 Curious, what is a good amount to you? I am just exhausted by the end of the day and usually when I go to him, he's not in the mood, and when he goes to me, I'm not. I've suggested making one night a week a date night to set aside time for connection and intimacy but he doesn't like the idea of it being scheduled but life is so busy with 2 kids under 4, one if which is a terrible sleeper.

And yes I probably shouldn't have but I really wanted to know if that's how if he found it 😬


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Beeaf said:


> I know he found it online. I googled her fake name and was able to find it too. I shouldn't have because I have it seared in my mind now.


So is she a porn actress or just a **** that posts vids of herself online? Either way, she sounds like quite the peach. I would make for darn sure they are not having sex since someone like her probably has more diseases than a truck stop toilet seat.


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

Dadto2 said:


> So is she a porn actress or just a **** that posts vids of herself online? Either way, she sounds like quite the peach. I would make for darn sure they are not having sex since someone like her probably has more diseases than a truck stop toilet seat.


She posted 2 videos of herself with less than 10 views each. So definitely not a porn star. She tried. Good point but I am 110% sure they are not talking or seeing each other.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Beeaf said:


> Good point but I am 110% sure they are not talking or seeing each other.


Just curious, what makes you so sure?


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## Beeaf (Sep 27, 2020)

He works from home. He never leaves unless we leave as a family. Baby wakes up 2-3 times in the night so it's not like he could easily sneak out. I just very highly doubt it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Beeaf said:


> He works from home. He never leaves unless we leave as a family. Baby wakes up 2-3 times in the night so it's not like he could easily sneak out. I just very highly doubt it.


You're right that it seems unlikely he'd have time to actually go see her. You may want to make sure he's not messaging her. There are dozens of ways to do it secretly.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

If there was never any contact between them to get this video, then it isn’t cheating.

Just really messed up on your husband’s part to get off on it.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Beeaf said:


> Him and his ex girlfriend were together for 3 years. When they broke up, she decided to venture into porn and made two videos. I didn't know this until all this happened. Me and my husband have been together for 5 years.
> 
> This video was on some porn site. He had to Google her porn name to find it. He said it was his first time searching for it. They are not in contact. I do 100% trust that they aren't in contact. The video is of her in a bedroom being filmed undressing and masturbating. It was not filmed by him and he didn't have anything to do with it overall.


My suggestion is that you turn lemons into lemonaide. Talk to your H about why he wanted to keep it on his phone and what it meant to him. Tell him how it hurt you and you need to emotionally work through this together with him.

Explain to him in clear language how this hurt you, not how it changed your view of him. Let him worry about the later. Ask him if he has any ideas on how he can help support you or help undo the pain you felt.

If brave enough, sit down with him and watch this porn film and ask him which parts of it excite him. Ask him if he would like to see you do similar kinds of things? If not, ask him why. Make sure you both honestly talk about it. After you have watched it together, ask him if he wants to watch it again? If he says no, then ask him to destroy it and never ever view it again. If he is unsure, ask him to promise you that he will only watch it with you.

When my wife and I were in sex therapy the ST told us that one of the things she often recommends for couples is for them to relive each others most intense sexual experiences enough time so they do it enough that they own the experience together and not someone else. In that spirit if he watched the video to see how lucky he was to not be associated with such a ****, count your blessings. If it aroused him in any way, ask if you can do something similar in front of him, but with no camera present. If he likes it and you can handle it, then tell him you will do it any time he wants.

Yes marriage counseling together is good advice. Good luck. Count your blessings that he at least hasn't physically cheated on you, that it was just emotional and you caught it early.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Kinda Sleazy and lowbrow maybe. 

But I don’t consider it cheating.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cheating?
Unless he communicated directly with her...no way. it is just porn.
You might feel pissed off about it, but he was just looking for something to masturbate to. 
Just tell him if you find more porn of this woman, you will have to cut off his nuts, and he will stop.


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## UndecidedinNY (Jul 11, 2013)

GC1234 said:


> This is BS...


Agree with this. They broke up, and THEN she ventured into porn. How did he know this, and how did he know her "porn name" unless he was still in contact with her so she could update him.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

UndecidedinNY said:


> Agree with this. They broke up, and THEN she ventured into porn. How did he know this, and how did he know her "porn name" unless he was still in contact with her so she could update him.


Exactly! Unless some friends of his told him about it, but I doubt it.


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