# Anybody so deprived they just don't care anymore



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

I've become so deprived and have been for so long that I just don't care anymore. Is this normal? I'm serious as in not even upset anymore that my sexual desires are placed at the bottom of even tv shows and celebrity gossip.

It used to be that I would become frustrated after a month of dry spell then start asserting myself to ensure we connected sexually. But, 9 months ago after a routine rejection something snapped and I instantly said 'ok I'm done - sick of trying, sick of the humiliation'. As a result from that point I've not even had any desire what-so-ever. If porno comes on tv I just flick past it, I forgot even the last time I rememcer seeing my wife naked. She of course hasn't said anything.

Just wondering if this is normal and permanent - it's a bit of a curious thing suddenly not caring about sex at all. The one thing that does bother me is that I feel I have been psychologically castrated and that I don't rink is very fair ...


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

With you on this one KendalMintcake.
Mine is now nearly eight years, shall we form a club suggest a t-shirt "psychologically castrated" or "1 Corinthians 7 3-4". It would be nice to see if these wives who refuse like being outed.
I am with you brother.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

Same here. 
I just play with other things. (hobbies)


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Me too.

But I don't think anyone gets to the point when they don't care atall atall.
I too have been psychologically castrated as far as my wife is concerned...but if she were hurt - and I don't mean a small burn etc - broken arm, injury car accident, lump in her breast etc I think I would care about her and THAT...but day to day....did you have a good day? Nah. Sleep well? Nah. How was work? Nah. 

'I'm going out'...'OK'
'I'm back'...'OK'

My wife still insists on playing this silly 'game' of kissing me (peck on the cheek) when she leaves for work in the morning (she leaves about 20 minutes before I do) and a peck on the cheek in the evening.
As if that makes our (sexless) marriage OK......Duh!


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## Coldie (Jan 2, 2014)

This type of thread makes me sad. I don't get why anyone would stay in a relationship without intimacy. Not even for the children's sake. I'd rather the children see a healthy relationship with their step mother, than a miserable relationship with their actual mother.

But I suppose I am extremely selfish when it comes to my own happiness. Life is just too short. I love my wife, but I'd love her as my friend if our intimacy/sex stopped. My children would see their father happy, with someone other than their mother. If she came around and opened back up, I wouldn't close the door to a possible future relationship but I was too lonely growing up to ever be lonely as a married adult. I've always actively searched for someone, just 1 person to connect with on every level. I'd continue my search again if I wasn't getting what I needed. In return, I try to give the same back to my wife.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I got to the point where I didn't care anymore about having sex with my ex, stopped trying, and the one or two times she showed interest I rejected her. By doing so, I got clarity, realized I really could do better, left her, and quickly started dating again. My interest in sex - and the amount of sex I had - skyrocketed.

If you're truly content now, though, keep on if it works for you. If not, moving on usually leads to vast improvements.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

Kendal,

What you are experiencing is a "coping mechanism," not a psychological castration.

You are in a relationship where it is not realistic to expect sex. Your mind blocks out all thoughts of it because the thought of sex now is associated with too many negative feelings and emotions.

You have to weigh the costs and benefits of staying in this relationship. The costs are pretty apparent. What are the benefits of staying? Does coping in this manner on this issue produce greater benefits in other aspects of your life?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I was exactly that way with my ex. After months of trying to talk to her, every talk would turn into tears about her sexual abusive past, which she had never told me until it became an issue.

Which means she bamboozled me.

So I gave up.

I'm a bit different than most guys though. I was a single bachelor for years and did without by choice. I don't need sex that bad, physically speaking. So I just went back into bachelor mode, gave up on her and bided my time before I left.


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## Tigereyes (Mar 11, 2015)

I just thought I would put this out there... Some reasons your spouse might not want to be intimate with you: 

1. Have you noticed she is trying to take care of her physical self? Has she commented on things you are eating? Than that might be a sign she is not finding you physically attractive anymore. If you are a man who gains weight all in his stomach and looks pregnant... that really is a huge turnoff for alot of women.

2. Have you been to a dentist lately? Ones breath is a real turnoff too. Not many women want to kiss a mouth that she can smell as soon as you talk. I am not talking just because you just finished a bowl of Jumbalaya but a mouth that always has bad breath. Do you notice she is always trying to give you gum or breathmints... she doesn't want to make you feel bad so she may make it seem like she was getting one out for herself anyway.

3. How is your hygiene down there? Women know guys don't wipe from going #1 but that smell hides out there all day and then at night you come home expecting your wife to perform nice extra wifely duties and then that smell hits them in the face (so to speak)

If you watch and just take notice that your girl takes (or at least puts effort into it) care of herself than you should think about doing the same. For most women, intimacy has alot to do with all the senses and if the eyes and nose aren't liking what they are sensing than that will play a role in wanting to have sexy time with their guy.

So as I said, I am just putting this out there.... I am a wife who has and does extremely support her husband in everyway and tries to keep the intimacy there. Yes, I am not always successful at it but like all of you just trying to work things out.
So please no bashing me for writing this, I am just trying to put ideas to think about so maybe that can help in saving your relationship.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's normal. When you have been rejected so many times, you kind of stop caring and don't try to initiate because you already know they're gonna shut you down before it even happens so you think, What's the point?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning
Cooking my own steak tonight.
:rofl::rofl:


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning everybody

My houseguest (aka wife) is Welsh, have said that I will forgo Steak and Blow Job Day, if Wales defeat Ireland this afternoon.

For our American Viewers
This is Rugby Union, American Football without the protection.

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning everybody
> 
> My houseguest (aka wife) is Welsh, have said that I will forgo Steak and Blow Job Day, if Wales defeat Ireland this afternoon.
> 
> ...


Lot of Welsh in my family and we are all sex maniacs!&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;&#55357;&#56840;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

intheory said:


> Can you sing?


Actually, yeah. If a joke was tossed, it just flew too high for me to catch.&#55357;&#56842;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Sorry ConanHub

:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

I think you fell into it, the field I mean


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jacko jack said:


> View attachment 33034
> 
> 
> Sorry ConanHub
> ...


Now that is funny!!! &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Tigereyes

I am sure that you have the best of intentions and it would seem that you are not the kind of woman to refuse because you have read this site.

I cannot talk for the other gentlemen but my houseguest (aka my wife) is now twice the woman that I might eleven years ago, whereas I have lost about 15 kg since we married.

Neither of us has been to the dentist recently, however it is my houseguest that has gingervitus.

I tend to shower every day, while I cannot remember the last time my houseguest took a bath,

Thank you for your comments my belief is that some houseguests particularly mine, once they pass the menopause consider that sex is irrelevant, why did god give houseguests a clitoris, does the clitoris have any other function other than pleasure. Spouses require sex it is a biological fact, the same as my houseguest requires £150 shoes and does not work.

Thank you very much for your comments and sorry about my rant, I think it is just that some houseguests do not care about there spouses.


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Yep, I went through this with my exWS while still had her toy to play with. The odd thing is that since I came to terms with no sex I have continued with this loss of interest. I went through a short period where I was chasing a bit but that died off. Still have the urges and everything functions but I just couldn't be bothered. It is as though I'd have to meet someone who bowled me over to get me fired up but in my late 50's it seems unlikely.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Tigereyes said:


> I just thought I would put this out there... Some reasons your spouse might not want to be intimate with you:
> 
> 1. Have you noticed she is trying to take care of her physical self? Has she commented on things you are eating? Than that might be a sign she is not finding you physically attractive anymore. If you are a man who gains weight all in his stomach and looks pregnant... that really is a huge turnoff for alot of women.
> 
> ...


Thanks for presenting this angle but I'm pretty sure hygiene and weight is not the issue! It's either one of two things the first and most probable is a condition that I discovered watching a video someone posted here a while ago that discussed how some people experience sexual desire in a funky fashion - specifically, they experience mental arousal only after physical arousal whereas the normal order is mental arousal followed by physical (the result of someone acting on mental stimulus). In other words most people begin by becoming aroused mentally which provides the impetus to act upon and become physically engaged in sexual activity. For some reason, some people only become mentally aroused after engaging physically. I got to find that video. The other possibility is a sexual orientation issue which I've been suspicious of for some time that there is a suppressed desire to be with another woman. Who knows, for the most part I doubt I'd ever find out the real story behind
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Dear Tigereyes
> 
> I am sure that you have the best of intentions and it would seem that you are not the kind of woman to refuse because you have read this site.
> 
> ...


I think you hit the nail on the head. My roommate although in good physical shape - most excellent in fact does not care one iota about their spouse. My roommate watches lots of tv does not work does bare minimal around the house - I'm talking the absolute minimum. What I've noticed is that the less responsibility the bigger a deal it is to do something trivial like pick up a piece trash. I'm to blame for letting it happen but just think, of washing a spoon and bowl after making yourself a TV dinner is hard - well sex - forget it. For me it's like pulling teeth to get some intimacy and at this point just not worth it - I want emotional connection and thinking back at the last n years pretty much every and any sex occasion has been met with some degree of resisting before-hand. When / if I think about that now it's offensive that having sex with your husband once every month or two should be accompanied by 'sigh' and 'huff' followed by rolling to the side so I can stick it in. In fact it's downright oogey in retrospect. The more I think about it the more I feel like a perv, or a dog or monkey satisfying the most primal instinct. The sad part is that she has succeeded in making me view her from this perspective and no matter how dressed up she gets or how much time spent to look good, it is upstaged by these other thoughts that have been building up for a long time. It seems almost irreversible now, it's as though the floodgate opened and all that stuff that was swept under the rug
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> With you on this one KendalMintcake.
> Mine is now nearly eight years, shall we form a club suggest a t-shirt "psychologically castrated" or "1 Corinthians 7 3-4". It would be nice to see if these wives who refuse like being outed.
> I am with you brother.
> 
> ...


This would / could be a massive club. Al we need to do is formulate a system where the females in the same boat and members of this club can hook up with the guys. Problem solved !
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I have gone from years of hurting from rejection to accepting it is over and to NOT wanting it ever again with her. The last couple of rejections were especially hard to take, and then the two pseudo/passive-aggressive initiations from here since (where she fell asleep as I didn't -- I guess -- finish soon enough... well, I have had enough. Seems like it has been 1.5 years since our previous "successful" attempt.

I take care of myself frequently, partly out of some vague notion I have that infrequent ejaculation is bad for the prostate and that maybe I'd get (more) depressed about my circumstances if I didn't.

What I fear most is that it is hard to see myself as a potential partner, ie. relationship partner, if I were to ever leave. Hard to explain but it is like I am acquiring a self-concept deep down that is asexual, or, perhaps like some have described, castrated. It's as if when I see an attractive woman, my mind instantly says to itself "Nope. Forget about it. That's not for me."

Yet, sometimes, I do have desire (not for my wife). Just so rarely compared to what I remember.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Yeah, I think it is not reversible here. I feel pretty sure there is nothing left to do for me but leave. Trying to find the courage and wisdom to do that while minimizing the impact to the kids.

I'm sure many of you understand this already, but I will say it is not about sex. It is about the years of indifference towards me, and her willingness to demand and take so much but give nothing in return. The years of resistance to fixing anything in herself and our relationship. All the while posturing as if she might, and saying I love you rarely but when it serves sone purpose (perhaps lying to herself). 

I'm a slow learner, I guess. She is just not into me, but is ok with using me, for now.

I'm hopeful I am really done with that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good afternoon everybody
According to Australian Research if you have less than 21 ejaculations per month, you are in danger of developing prostrate cancer.
Perhaps we should have a club with a tee-shirt "My wife is killing me" and underneath "due to lack of ejaculations".

Wonder what impact it would have.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

I've been feeling this way recently - no interest in viewing porn (not that I did all that much, but would view on occasion homemade porn), and noted that I'm not as horny recently where I take care of myself in the shower. It's two years for us (once in almost four years) and I've resigned myself to the fact that my sex life is over in my late 40's. She's lazy and would rather play on the computer than even think about sex. Granted, with two little kids in the house (and nowhere to dump them off overnight), it can be difficult, but why not when they're in bed or napping? Nope, she'd rather sleep when they do. 

To think this is the same woman who on our first date ended up on my lap with my hands up her dress....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

This is a sign of depression. Truly not caring about something as central as sex is not normal.

Having no expectation is different than not caring. During our longest no sex period (4 years long) I learned to have zero expectation of sex, but never reached the point of not caring.

Avoiding rejection is a dysfunctional place to be. As others said, you should seriously consider major changes. Realize that if you don't do something, nothing will change. And I guarantee you that at some point you will really start to care that your life is passing sexlessly.

I suggest the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jacko jack said:


> Good afternoon everybody
> According to Australian Research if you have less than 21 ejaculations per month, you are in danger of developing prostrate cancer.


My Urologist gave me a pamphlet to give to my wife explaining how frequent sex is essential to male health.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Charging Charlie

Have you ever reminded her about having her sat on your lap with your hands up her dress. My houseguest told me she was the Blowjob Queen in an argument/discussion a couple of days ago she said that she wish that this did not happen, however, I think she is lying about being a blowjob queen, I think that at forty-nine she was desparate to be married. Look forward to hearing from you Charging Charlie.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

KendalMintcake said:


> It's either one of two things ...


Isn't there some indication your wife experienced childhood sexual abuse?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Thor

Can you send me post me a copy of the pamphlet. Many thanks in anticipation.

Jacko Jack


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## Cleaver Brooks (Jan 19, 2014)

I for one, will never give up...ever. I don't think its in my DNA.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Dear Charging Charlie
> 
> Have you ever reminded her about having her sat on your lap with your hands up her dress. My houseguest told me she was the Blowjob Queen in an argument/discussion a couple of days ago she said that she wish that this did not happen, however, I think she is lying about being a blowjob queen, I think that at forty-nine she was desparate to be married. Look forward to hearing from you Charging Charlie.


Not necessarily that, but other things that happened that night (not going into detail, but let's just say it ended with us getting naked). She has made comments (note - not recently) about how her ex wanted sex all the time and she would give in but didn't want to, and is happy that I don't bug her about sex. 

I go back to before we got married, and we had quite a bit of sex, and our wedding night was great (we didn't do it all night, but we did it for a while, and had another session in the morning before we had to leave). We used to shower together in the old days. Now it's all just a distant memory, so I get where you're coming from - it's not supposed to be this way.


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## YupItsMe (Sep 29, 2011)

Acceptance is the last step of mourning loss. 

It sounds like you are there. 

Depression is also a factor that removes interest in pleasurable activity.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

jacko jack said:


> Dear Thor
> 
> Can you send me post me a copy of the pamphlet. Many thanks in anticipation.
> 
> Jacko Jack


That was a long time ago. It is long gone, sorry. The pamphlet was a basic prostate health info sheet which included as part of preventing BPH and cancer to have frequent ejaculations. You can probably find something similar online or in your doc's office.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Kendal

You are confusing indifference and despair. 

My guess - you're feeling despair - not indifference. 

Despair is toxic, indifference isn't. 

If you become truly indifferent - towards K2 - you will start living your life without her. 






KendalMintcake said:


> I've become so deprived and have been for so long that I just don't care anymore. Is this normal? I'm serious as in not even upset anymore that my sexual desires are placed at the bottom of even tv shows and celebrity gossip.
> 
> It used to be that I would become frustrated after a month of dry spell then start asserting myself to ensure we connected sexually. But, 9 months ago after a routine rejection something snapped and I instantly said 'ok I'm done - sick of trying, sick of the humiliation'. As a result from that point I've not even had any desire what-so-ever. If porno comes on tv I just flick past it, I forgot even the last time I rememcer seeing my wife naked. She of course hasn't said anything.
> 
> Just wondering if this is normal and permanent - it's a bit of a curious thing suddenly not caring about sex at all. The one thing that does bother me is that I feel I have been psychologically castrated and that I don't rink is very fair ...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Kendal,

Why can't you end this sexless marriage? How long are you going to torture yourself?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

People who "just don't care anymore" don't post about it on message boards. That's a fact.


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

While I have given up asking, or asking to talk about it with her, and as part of a 180 I am living much more independently, I still do care. If I was completely indifferent, why would I be part of a forum such as this.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

ErictheSane,

How can you still be sane?


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning

Why should I care, when it is not reciprocated, sometimes this is the only way to keep sane. My houseguest, said at marriage, that she would Love, she has not been true to her vows. She is an Elder of a Church and now thinks that "Marriage is Slavery". I give her, her freedom, I do not think I have ever seen a slave in £150($225) pair of shoes. Still think that we should have a tee-shirt "Pyschologically Castrated"

Take Care


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Tigereyes said:


> I just thought I would put this out there... Some reasons your spouse might not want to be intimate with you:
> 
> 
> 2. Have you been to a dentist lately? Ones breath is a real turnoff too. Not many women want to kiss a mouth that she can smell as soon as you talk.
> ...


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

jacko jack said:


> Good morning
> Cooking my own steak tonight.
> :rofl::rofl:


And who is doing the 'other'?......You too?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Why do Welsh farmers always wear gumboots that are too big for them?
.....
.... 
...
..
.

So that the sheeps hind legs can fit down the front of them.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning Askari









Playing in the Front Row for nearly 50 years, have never been bent double, unlike this bloke or the Scottish front row on Saturday. Would Tripad like to comment on Geoff Cross's facial hair one of the Scottish Props that got bent double.

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

On a slightly more serious note....

I think the reason many men (and women) stay in sexless/emotionless marriages is because the 'cost' of getting out is too high and outweighs the 'bad' things.

Just because you are in a sexless marriage doesnt mean that you fight all the time. 
My wife and I don't have sex neither are we emotionally close but we don't fight (well, no more than any other couple!). 
Sex doesn't matter to my wife nor does it matter to me (with her) now.

When we did (sort of) have a sex life it was always in private (!!) anyway so the children never saw and never caught us!

What I am trying to say is that a couple in a sexless marriage doesn't always mean a 'bad' environment for children.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Morning Jacko!
I used to play No 8 in my younger days. No one scrunching my nads and when the scrum started to collapse I was the first one out!


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good morning

Would agree with Askari, just because you do not have a sex life is no reason to ditch a marriage. My rants are mainly because she said things before we where married such as she was the Blowjob queen. It appears to me that she has been hurt sexually in her teenage years and would like to be sympathized with, the doctor recently told me that they would hopefully not let a women go through 17 miscarriages without a hysterectomy. I think I was her last chance at marriage when she was 51, perhaps with time she will mature or mellow.

I was advised by our vicar(female) to go to a counsellor with her, she rejected the idea, so I went by myself. She said that I was going to a prostitute or as she called it a *****. Sometimes life is difficult and I take solace in ranting online or cracking bad jokes on line, it keeps me sane.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Askari
On the operating table for the insertion of a stent last year, they only give you a local anaesthetic. Last time, that I was shaved by two women, Tripad, they where going to put the stent in through my groin. Still there I was laying on the table and the surgeon asked me what sports I played, I said, I played Hooker in Rugby Union, at which point he promptly said as he inserted the stent, the most dangerous sport and position in the world, talk about surgeons keeping you calm on the operating table. After recovery, I was advised by a Cardiac nurse not to be intimate for a week, I smiled and wanted to say "only a week, if my wife agrees to it".
:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> ErictheSane,
> 
> How can you still be sane?



How do I remain sane ? 

Actually, my name is a variation of a character, Wonko the Sane, in one of my favorite books; The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, a trilogy in Five parts, by Douglas Adams.

Wonko, his real name being John Watson, got so distressed about the sanity of society after having seen that that toothpicks packs had user instructions printed on them that he considered society an asylum, and that he was the sane one in that he realized that a society that needed such instructions, in a few words, is going to a certain place in a handbasket.

(by the way: this is no joke. You will find, in the USA, that there are toothpicks with instructions printed on the box, aka ‘don’t drive a toothpick into your eye’ or variations thereof.

When I chose this moniker it was out of habit; not something that I created to reflect anything that had to do with TAM, or, with my situation in particular.

That being said, there is a connection I guess. I AM sane in that I do want, desire and long for the warm embrace of a woman. I long for that with my wife, but it has been so long that should the opportunity to present itself, I think I will take it. I have not quite given up with my wife though. However, it is not I who am wrong or unnatural for wanting this. It is absolutely sane for a man (or woman for that matter) to have these needs and longings. It is those that do NOT want it that are off.

While I am very sad on occasions, my sanity is still intact.... mostly


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

jacko jack said:


> Dear Thor
> 
> Can you send me post me a copy of the pamphlet. Many thanks in anticipation.
> 
> Jacko Jack


Found this article if that's of any help 

prostate health and ejaculation


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Doobie

Many thanks for this, I can just imagine what would happen if I showed her this. She would probably say take care of yourself, however, she will probably insist that I give her physical evidence of the act at least 21 times per month so that I can continue to support her. Once again many thanks for this.

Take Care

:rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

There was a time I felt the same way. I ended up losing 50 lbs., getting on Testoserone replacement, and using Viagra. I changed the way I interacted with my wife and sex has been great. At 53, there's nothing like waking up to a boner every morning.
My wife is low drive and I've somehow managed to bring her up to a LDMO (Low Drive on Maximum Output)
Change is possible.


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## onedge (Nov 27, 2013)

ericthesane said:


> That being said, there is a connection I guess. I AM sane in that I do want, desire and long for the warm embrace of a woman. I long for that with my wife, but it has been so long that should the opportunity to present itself, I think I will take it. I have not quite given up with my wife though.


_Exactly what I have been feeling. _


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

"Can I be blamed for wanting a real body, to put my arms around? Without it I too am disembodied. I can listen to my own heartbeat against the bedsprings…but there’s something dead about it, something deserted."

— Margaret Atwood, The Handmaid’s Tale


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

onedge said:


> _Exactly what I have been feeling. I do not want an affair but afraid if I will not be able to say no if a situation presented itself with another man because that emptiness is so deep right now. I have never desired someone different not even in fantasy but lately I find myself telling my heart just let someone...anyone... want me. _


Whenever I have ever expressed a similar thought to my therapist, she has always swiftly pointed out her experience dealing with the messes folks create in their lives by having an affair.

Pain sucks. No doubt. And, some of the time, it is the only thing that can spur one to take action. I haven't read your posts, so I don't know what options exist for you. But, there is usually a way towards better days and nights that doesn't require you to turn into someone you won't like. I hope you find it.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Has everyone here read the other sexless marriage thread that is running parallel to this one. Neuklas popped up.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

doobie said:


> Found this article if that's of any help
> 
> prostate health and ejaculation


I had a prostate 'scare' about 5 years ago (in my mid 40's). I lived with the possibility of cancer for a week until the results came back. My wife knew I was getting the results on (say) Thursday but completely forgot....I got the results (fortunately negative, just an infection) and waited to see how long it would take my wife to ask....just over a week. In some ways I would love to have said 'I have cancer but clearly its of no concern to you'.

As much as we are disconnected, if she had a lump in her breast I would be as 'eager' to know the results as she was...but hey, I'm normal.

Anyway...when I went back to the consultant I asked my wife to come, she did. The doc explained about the prostate and how prostate cancer is one of the major killers of men so needs to be kept healthy. To keep it healthy means keeping the through flow active....ie ejaculating ATLEAST a couple of times a month.

Afterwards my wife turned to me and said; "typical male...or did you ask him to say that because I was there?"....

Oh you ignorant ignorant woman.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

askari said:


> I had a prostate 'scare' about 5 years ago (in my mid 40's). I lived with the possibility of cancer for a week until the results came back. My wife knew I was getting the results on (say) Thursday but completely forgot....I got the results (fortunately negative, just an infection) and waited to see how long it would take my wife to ask....just over a week. In some ways I would love to have said 'I have cancer but clearly its of no concern to you'.
> 
> As much as we are disconnected, if she had a lump in her breast I would be as 'eager' to know the results as she was...but hey, I'm normal.
> 
> ...


You sound nice but I have a hard time respecting any man who puts up with such unbelievable bvllshyt! Your wife needs a hard spanking or swift divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear Askari

Totally sympathize with you, I can understand why you stay in the marriage. You have said that it is only sex that is in error in your marriage, your wife sounds a little like my houseguest, in that she seems unsympathetic and does not have any empathy. Thinking of the former No.8, keep smiling and keep playing.

Take Care

Jacko Jack


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Of course i would 'like' the above!!

My wife isnt a nasty person per se...she's just on a completely different planet.
Last night I went and joined her to watch some TV...she was watching the news on a channel that is her mother tongue (not mine)....I stayed for about 10 minutes then got up and left.
"Are you sulking?"....'No. Should I be?'..."You could have asked me to change channel"....

Yes I could have done.....but she could also have thought and changed to a news channel in English. My wifes English is fluent...
She just doesn't think.

Like, "yikes....he might have prostate cancer"....

Conan - I understand why you can't respect a man such as me (and many others)....perhaps if I were to look from the outside in I would react the same as you.

But just at the moment the price of divorce is too high. Once our children have left the nest and are as financially independent as they will ever be then I intend to leave. My wife can have half of whatever it is we have accumilated together. Thats it.

In the past she has made it very clear to me that her inheritance is hers and hers alone...fine. Mine likewise....which will be substantially more than hers...but I will use the law to protect mine...trusts etc.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Askari,
Your wife doesn't care if you live or die.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

askari said:


> Of course i would 'like' the above!!
> 
> My wife isnt a nasty person per se...she's just on a completely different planet.
> Last night I went and joined her to watch some TV...she was watching the news on a channel that is her mother tongue (not mine)....I stayed for about 10 minutes then got up and left.
> ...


How much longer? I am absolutely repulsed by the creature you are married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I probably have another five years, ideally.
Alot can happen in five years though...


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

askari said:


> I probably have another five years, ideally.
> Alot can happen in five years though...


More power to you then. I do not believe I could even be civil to a woman as disconnected from her vagina, not to mention my penis, as your wife. I love my kids too but dammed if I could put up with an alien creature for a wife.... Unless she was a really horny alien...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> People who "just don't care anymore" don't post about it on message boards. That's a fact.


Thanks for fun fact of the day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Thor said:


> Isn't there some indication your wife experienced childhood sexual abuse?


Good memory yes she told me some things a few years back. I was supportive and didn't try to pry any more details. I think when someone experiences something like that they pretty much messed up. I've had my fair share of traumatic stiff from being robbed at gun point and similar other things and it stays with you. As for sexually based trauma it's so very obvious as there is this dynamic that begins with avoidance of sex and can also involve explosive behavior of any boundaries are pushed. It's a chore for her and, a huge chore. Imaging trying to look real happy if every so often you had to do any unpleasant task but mask your discontent. You can't mask it. As an example one time I was feeling so awful from all the combining during sex that I politely said - that's ok let's just stop. At that point I was called a bleeping a-hole and forced to finish. It's as though I'm being punished for her abuse. In a way the abuse has been passed on. Sorry I don't want to be the subject anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Being sexually abused as a child, teenager or adult is dreadful...victims should be offered all the support they need and offenders need to be dealt with appropriately.

However, I do sometimes wonder....a wife who just isnt interested in sex and isn't interested in trying to be sexual...

"sob sob....when I was twelve, sniff sniff, an uncle sexually aaaabused me.....each time we have sex it reminds me....so please understand. I really don't want to talk about it darling....sob sob..."

Wahay! Easy! Off the hook! Job done. 

If the husband tries to initiate sex again he is being selfish and only thinking about himself....horrible horrible man.
His poor wife was abused.

I used to be a cop...I was both verbally and physically abused at work. 
Thats it then...I'm not doing any more work again in my life. Anyone who expects me to is being an uncaring ba$tard.

I say again - actual abuse is terrible and a true victim will have my utmost sympathy....but life also has to go on.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Agreed. My wife and I were both abused sexually and we have not let it come between us. You owe it to your spouse to be healthy with them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Good afternoon everybody

It seems that KendalMintcake, Askari, ConanHub and myself have something in common, it seems that all our wives have been abused as young children. Our respective wives have rejected sex in marriages, however, my wife has rejected counselling for this abuse probably all her life. Indeed the more she lies, probably the less people will believe her. I am truly sorry, for people who have gone through abuse, however, healing needs to take place and victims need not be victims all there lives.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

My wife wasn't abused. I have done some digging, our MC has done some digging....nothing to suggest any past abuse.

I was just saying that it is possible that 'asexual' women feign abuse as an excuse.....


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## boyjeff (Sep 11, 2013)

Same here, no sex since I can even remember (years!), no kisses, nothing. I stopped trying and evidently she is fine with that. I think after the last rejection I told her if she wanted anything from me, that I was ready and willing, that was many years ago and nothing has happened. There have been a few times in the past years where I told her i missed her and found her very attractive and would like to be sweet to each other again, but nothing happens. 

One day after a period of being really nice to each other I gave her a big hug and pressed her to me and told her how I missed her. I was working from home and we were alone and she was in the bedroom I ran up to see if I could light the fire and she was wrapped so tight in a blanket it was practically in a cocoon, and she told me she had a migraine. So I walked away, fully getting the message. 

At this point I don't care any more, although some days I so desire to be touched I wish I had a girlfriend, but that wouldn't be the best solution. I guess I will have a sexless life which makes me sad because I do wish it wasn't and I am still healthy and fit so it seems a waste.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Why hang on, BoyJeff? I don't get it.

I would just file for divorce. If she asked why, I would reply that I realized that I am not the right man to make you happy. End of discussion. If she responded by going sex crazy, I would accept it happily but want to see how long it would last. If duty sex were offered I would decline it.

I assume that sexual desire and the love associated with it have been extinguished. These are not neuklas type marriages.


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## Hot Dog (Mar 17, 2015)

Seek help. 

You are a shell of your former self. 

No one is worth it brother.

Not healthy. 

Get your balls out of her purse, strap them back on and find someone to love you legit


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## boyjeff (Sep 11, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Why hang on, BoyJeff? I don't get it.
> 
> I would just file for divorce. If she asked why, I would reply that I realized that I am not the right man to make you happy. End of discussion. If she responded by going sex crazy, I would accept it happily but want to see how long it would last. If duty sex were offered I would decline it.
> 
> I assume that sexual desire and the love associated with it have been extinguished. These are not neuklas type marriages.


two teen age girls in the house that will be a whole lot better off with me sucking it up, than bailing and have them be the biggest losers. maybe things will change when they head off to college.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Age will eventually end or reduce the sex drive in all of us. A passionless marriage will hurry the process. Once I decided I was in a platonic marriage and wasn't leaving before my kid graduated, it helped in many ways. I didn't think about her sexually anymore and stopped feeling distracted or rejected. When I do have sexual thoughts they don't involve her.

Just understand that life is short your sex life is shorter. The years you lose you aren't getting back so if you decide to stay, don't play the passive aggressive martyr.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

boyjeff said:


> Same here, no sex since I can even remember (years!), no kisses, nothing. I stopped trying and evidently she is fine with that. I think after the last rejection I told her if she wanted anything from me, that I was ready and willing, that was many years ago and nothing has happened. There have been a few times in the past years where I told her i missed her and found her very attractive and would like to be sweet to each other again, but nothing happens.
> 
> One day after a period of being really nice to each other I gave her a big hug and pressed her to me and told her how I missed her. I was working from home and we were alone and she was in the bedroom I ran up to see if I could light the fire and she was wrapped so tight in a blanket it was practically in a cocoon, and she told me she had a migraine. So I walked away, fully getting the message.
> 
> At this point I don't care any more, although some days I so desire to be touched I wish I had a girlfriend, but that wouldn't be the best solution. I guess I will have a sexless life which makes me sad because I do wish it wasn't and I am still healthy and fit so it seems a waste.


Your cocoon description perfectly describes many a situation that I have experienced. Show any hint of interest and your wife runs away and protects herself from the big bad man. One the I learned however that if you indicate that you are going to light a fire and plan something romantics for tomorrow night then usually a works out. It somehow gives her time to mentally prepare for the big awful event. Even still either way is somewhat offensive - no, really bloody offensive. It's for that reason I just gave up. I'm sure on some sick way she is upset that I don't come begging with my tail between my legs - even more support for the case of total dysfunction
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

boyjeff said:


> two teen age girls in the house that will be a whole lot better off with me sucking it up, than bailing and have them be the biggest losers. maybe things will change when they head off to college.


I have two teenage daughters and they have survived the divorce of my ex and me. Can't you have half custody? Teenagers can get to school and make sandwiches when they get home.

The most important thing for kids is that they know you are there for them. They need boundaries but the way you live your life is the most instructive part of being a parent. Some kids go wrong despite good parents.

If your girls knew that you were lonely, they would want to you have someone who cared about you


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

askari said:


> But just at the moment the price of divorce is too high. Once our children have left the nest and are as financially independent as they will ever be then I intend to leave. My wife can have half of whatever it is we have accumilated together. Thats it.


Beware alimony. Do your research. Also, she'll get half of your pension and half your retirement savings. Staying for the kids could then make it financially devastating when they finally do leave the nest.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

boyjeff said:


> two teen age girls in the house that will be a whole lot better off with me sucking it up, than bailing and have them be the biggest losers. maybe things will change when they head off to college.


I had finally, finally reached my limit. I did not know about my wife's abuse yet. My eldest daughter turned 15 and the drama went off the scale. She and her mom fought like crazy. There were some things which made me believe it would be very bad for my daughter if I left. Then, as she leaves for college the next daughter starts with the high drama. So I stayed another 3 years.

It was the right decision, but I made some big mistakes.

First, I made it my Prime Directive to avoid divorce at all costs. This meant not stirring up too much conflict with my wife. Which meant I had no real power to change anything in the marriage or family.

Second, I did not adequately protect my daughters from their mother's craziness. My wife on one hand would enforce zero boundaries or limits with them, and on the other could be quite controlling and critical. I should have insisted on more stringent rules, and should have told her when she was out of line with the girls.

Staying those extra years also meant I crossed into permanent alimony status in my state. This makes divorce now nearly impossible. I will lose my ability to save for retirement, and she'll get half of what I've already accumulated. I will either have to work ("Welcome to Wal-mart!") or live a very meager retirement lifestyle.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jacko jack said:


> Good afternoon everybody
> 
> It seems that KendalMintcake, Askari, ConanHub and myself have something in common, it seems that all our wives have been abused as young children. Our respective wives have rejected sex in marriages, however, my wife has rejected counselling for this abuse probably all her life. Indeed the more she lies, probably the less people will believe her. I am truly sorry, for people who have gone through abuse, however, healing needs to take place and victims need not be victims all there lives.


Mrs. Conan and I both worked through our issues, takes years and we're still working, but we have become better together and we never became sexless. We were in danger of it at one point about 2 years ago but that is when I found TAM and started serious research. She is now a 6-7 times a week lady! &#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;&#55357;&#56833;
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

As expensive as my hobbies (airplanes, motorcycles, boats, & shooting) are, they're still cheaper than divorce.
So I'll just keep "playing" by myself. She knows she's welcome to join me if she wants, but I don't ask anymore.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Definitely agree with intheory. Peace and stability are much preferred to children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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