# feeling like a gutted deer



## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

I found this forum in my search for help as a wife of a pornography addict. 42 years of marriage down the crapper.

Pornography has been an issue for most of those 42 years. Several times it has emerged from his hiding place, we've entered crisis mode, have been to counseling and like a fool, I accepted his promise. The last time was three years ago; I left home but came back to "with God as my witness I swear I'll never hurt you again."

I knew he was up to something, paid $40 for WebWatcher, installed it on his computer. Just 7 days later, I have 200+ pages of chat room and porn printed out. It's so sick, twisted, perverted and disgusting, I can hardly believe the man I've been with most of my life actually wrote that filth. Who is he? Why?

He has admitted everything (can't deny it with the documents I have) and starts counseling tomorrow. I had my wedding band cut off at a jeweler. He sleeps on the sofa bed. I bought individual meals for myself and won't cook for him. I washed and dried his laundry with mine, but left his in a basket on his bureau so he had to fold and put them away. 

We're both retired and I need his health insurance for three more years until I go on medicare. We spend summer in Maine and winter in Florida with homes in both places. I have a life-threatening disease (auto-immune hepatitis) with my care managed by the transplant center. He is healthy except for his sick, twisted, perverted mind. 

I flip from profound loss and sadness to furious, vicious anger. My kids are adults and we have a wonderful granddaughter. I can't talk to anyone as I have to keep his secret in order to retain control and be sure I have health insurance. I have to pretend in front of other people, but totally lose control when this strange freakzoid male is in the house we share. 

I am so alone. Nobody can help or make it go away, but someone here surely understands. If someone can just understand how badly I feel, how destroyed my life is...will that help? Will anything help?

It would have been easier if he had died.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I'm so sorry . 

First, there's nothing involving children in what you saw/read, is there?

Can you separate but still stay married so that you have the insurance? Surely your husband would at least agree to that, right? After all he's done? I don't think you're going to get sanity and comfort if you live this lie for the next three years. Peace will start to come once you've removed yourself from the situation. Where do your children live? Maine?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Look up the 180 and start the plan. This will help you to detach and prepare for a life on your own. Living with an addict is never easy and will cause you emotional and physical problems. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Take care of yourself.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I am sorry you are here.

It is kinda bad seeing you posting about how you want to stay together just because health insurance or you wish he had died.

You children are old enough so talk with them. Will be much easier for you if you have someone just to listen to you.

Talk with your lawyer and see your options.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I'm so sorry .
> 
> First, there's nothing involving children in what you saw/read, is there?
> 
> Can you separate but still stay married so that you have the insurance? Surely your husband would at least agree to that, right? After all he's done? I don't think you're going to get sanity and comfort if you live this lie for the next three years. Peace will start to come once you've removed yourself from the situation. Where do your children live? Maine?


Thank you for your kindness & support. That's the first reason I am here.

Some of the perversion involved talk about sexual activity with teenage girls (also with men, yet another heartbreaking revelation.) He's insistent that it all was talk; he starts counseling tomorrow. We'll see how that goes. 

Our kids are all adults and live locally. If they were to know about this, it would break their hearts and I cannot do that. The one thing he asks of me is not to tell them. For now, I will honor his request. 

Because my insurance is an HMO, I can't spend too much time in Maine. My treatments are here. He will likely go to Maine in early March. 

One day at a time...


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

gottaluvcruising said:


> Our kids are all adults and live locally. If they were to know about this, it would break their hearts and I cannot do that. The one thing he asks of me is not to tell them. For now, I will honor his request.


Don't you think it would break their hearts to know the enormous burden their mother is carrying?  You are not less important than him, remember that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*A gutted deer feels better by comparison! You have told him about this relationship destroying problem until you're blue in the face ~ end it!

Detach by doing "the 180," tell your adult children and other close relatives, get to a lawyers office and explore your options. If you have not been actively employed, a good attorney will have no problem getting insurance coverage for you since, in addition to having a penchant for porn, he apparently is the primary breadwinner!

Get your butt out of there and go find yourself some well-deserved solace from that lout~ and leave him to his porn, since that unequivocally seems to have been his mistress for many years!

Welcome to TAM! You've come to the best place for advice and moral support!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

arbitrator said:


> *A gutted deer feels better by comparison! You have told him about this relationship destroying problem until you're blue in the face ~ end it!
> 
> Detach by doing "the 180," tell your adult children and other close relatives, get to a lawyers office and explore your options. If you have not been actively employed, a good attorney will have no problem getting insurance coverage for you since, in addition to having a penchant for porn, he apparently is the primary breadwinner!
> 
> ...


I love your strength. I have none right now.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

This website seems to freeze on me when I try to reply. I appreciate the support and advice. I found several references to the "180" but can't find something that fits. Any other terms I can include in a search?

Things may change a lot, but I have to take it one day at a time. We had a long conversation today and I didn't get hateful with him. It's Christmas and I simply cannot dump this on my kids, unless there is no other way.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

gottaluvcruising said:


> I found this forum in my search for help as a wife of a pornography addict. 42 years of marriage down the crapper.
> 
> Pornography has been an issue for most of those 42 years. Several times it has emerged from his hiding place, we've entered crisis mode, have been to counseling and like a fool, I accepted his promise. The last time was three years ago; I left home but came back to "with God as my witness I swear I'll never hurt you again."
> 
> ...





> I can't talk to anyone as I have to keep his secret in order to retain control


Retain control of what? And why would you need to retain control?



> It would have been easier if he had died.


Gosh. You wish your husband to be dead?

There may actually be multiple problems in your marriage. And your husband's use of pornography is only one of them, I would suggest.

However, I would be interested to learn more about his use of chatrooms. What happens in the chatrooms? If they are conversations with females, that may be potentially more of a problem than the use of porn.

Or is he conversing with like-minded males in the chatrooms?

Do you know why he uses porn and the chatrooms?

Have you tried couple counselling?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry you are going through this. Do you think he has had physical affairs or is it just online? Does he do porn instead of being intimate with you? Those are two things that would affect me the most. He needs to do get rid of his computer/tablet/smart phone. You can't just trust him to stay off of those sites. Why does he feel he needs porn are you not able to have sex due to your health problems? You have been married for such a long time. Hopefully he can give up this addiction through counseling.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See a psychologist. It is important that you learn coping skills. I can see how insurance coverage is so important, especially that you are under medical care. 

I have a very good friend who is undergoing breast cancer treatments. Her medical bills are enormous. She cannot go on disability as her income would not be adequate to pay for her mortgage and other bills. She is working and undergoing her treatments to continue her medical insurance. There are days when one can see how much she struggles physically.

I don't think that marriage counselling will help you at this stage as you've already gone through it. You have been married for over 40 years and your husband's addiction has not stopped. Truly sorry that you are here.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I'm sorry. My husband has also abused porn for 10 years, lies about it and hides it. I have hated it for years. It makes me feel like less of a woman, not good enough. And no matter how much sex we have, he still watches it a ton. 

I hear so many people say "it's just porn, who cares?"

But if it affects you and affects your marriage, ITS A PROBLEM.

It feels like cheating. It's a betrayal.

I have no real advice. I just want you to know that I've been where you are. And it sucks. It hurts like hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'm sorry. My husband has also abused porn for 10 years, lies about it and hides it. I have hated it for years. It makes me feel like less of a woman, not good enough. And no matter how much sex we have, he still watches it a ton.
> 
> I hear so many people say "it's just porn, who cares?"
> 
> ...


cheating, betrayal?
OP, wishing he was dead...

OP. He's still the same person he was last week. Yeah there's some sick stuff out there but the only thing that has changed is your attitude to him. Frequently the anti-social stuff that goes on in those places is done by people who have historic non-PC events which influence their upbringing - then later in life when life is frustrating or fulfilling they are draw back to that unresolved event, the more frustrating life is, often the more intense and focused they become on that destructive coping activity.

as for cheating, betrayal? So it's like they have blown the family savings on someone else? Spent the joint savings and kids college fund on gifts and trips away? That they actively lie to you in order to and take time out when you could be together to spend it with someone better than you? That you constantly fear for them running off with the other party or taking your children from you or selling your house/car/pension in the separation to be with the porn?
Take a long hard look at what you're saying and what your expectations are. Yes excess porn is an issue in society, but more than a small amount points to a diseased society creating damaged people. What are you demanding from your partner if you actually feel _betrayed_ by a posed or random photo or movie; is it your own insecurity that leaves you feeling too upset? Then perhaps you too, are a victim of that society just as much as your partner.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

I think there is more and OP is not telling us about it.

Wishing death to your husband or wife is clear to me there is no love there.
She also said about staying in marriage only because of health insurance.

Both of you are mature and you spend a lot of years together. If you cant talk to each other about this problem and clearly to me even bigger problems that you keep to yourself,not wanting to share them here then see your lawyer.Makes no sense for me staying in marriage like that.


About your problems with website try to use other browser. Your flashplayer is crashing to often. Works for me.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> cheating, betrayal?
> OP, wishing he was dead...
> 
> OP. He's still the same person he was last week. Yeah there's some sick stuff out there but the only thing that has changed is your attitude to him. Frequently the anti-social stuff that goes on in those places is done by people who have historic non-PC events which influence their upbringing - then later in life when life is frustrating or fulfilling they are draw back to that unresolved event, the more frustrating life is, often the more intense and focused they become on that destructive coping activity.
> ...


When your spouse tells you they don't need porn because you are all they need and then you find page after page after page of viewed porn, it hurts.

When you confront and they promise to never do it again, and do it a week later, it hurts.

When you confront again and they apologize AGAIN, and then do it again but hide it, it turns into a betrayal of trust.

When they do this and hide it and lie about it and manipulate you about it, the betrayal gets deeper.

Why does it feel like being cheated on? Because your spouse is constantly lusting after hundreds of thousands of females after you have told them a hundred times that you feel like less of a woman because they watch it so much. That you feel like you can't match up to what these women do. That you feel like they will never be happy with YOU sexually unless YOU can act like a porn star in bed too. When you feel like they are possibly fantasizing about these porn movies while they're having sex with you. That's when it feels like cheating.

I have zero problem with porn in the generic sense. Oh, your spouse is at work, you're feeling randy, grab some tissues, pop in a video and go to town.

What I have a problem with is the lying, sneaking, hiding, excessive use day after day after day, even if he's just slept with me that morning, knowing damn well id sleep with him again if he wanted to. My husband and I often have sex 3x a day. 

But when someone continually chooses porn, that fantasy life, those beautiful dirty women over your feelings and your security, it becomes betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

gottaluvcruising said:


> I found this forum in my search for help as a wife of a pornography addict. 42 years of marriage down the crapper.
> 
> Pornography has been an issue for most of those 42 years. Several times it has emerged from his hiding place, we've entered crisis mode, have been to counseling and like a fool, I accepted his promise. The last time was three years ago; I left home but came back to "with God as my witness I swear I'll never hurt you again."
> 
> ...


Geez I feel so badly for you. I stress about feeling like 13 years of marriage is down the tube but you have 42! The worst part is him communicating with men or about men. If I ever learned that about my Dad I would consider suicide. Please don't tell your adult children.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry for your pain. Porn is highly addictive, and users have to change the types of porn they do to keep the brain chemicals flowing. They get desensitized after doing the same thing for a while. It truly is an addiction, and is progressive.

Now that internet porn has been around for a while, more an more men and women are discovering how it is detrimental to their lives. Young people are realizing on their own that it is interfering with their normal functioning in life, both sexual and non sexual.

Here is a website that explains the effects of porn on brain chemistry.

Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn

It would be better if your husband read the website, but it is good information for you. He will not get better as long as he is using porn, and masturbating.

He can "reboot" his brain, if he abstains completely from porn, all images, even twitter, facebook, magazines, chat rooms, even his imagination, and masterbation. But the minute he picks up one habit, it is quick to progress right back to where he was before.

Here is a link he can go to to learn how to change.

Tools For Change: Recovery from Porn Addiction | Your Brain On Porn

You have every right to protect yourself from the damage his porn use has caused, and will cause. Your children are adults. They have a right to know the truth regarding why mom is unhappy, and how dad is destroying his marriage.

Their knowing will also stop the enabling you are doing. By keeping his dirty little secret, you are allowing him to have it. My husband was addicted to porn. He lied, hurt me when he missed family functions (because he was looking at porn), when he didn't get chores done while the children and I were out running errands (he was looking at porn while we were gone, and didn't get his own chores done.) I was upset when he was late, when he didn't get chores done around the house etc, even though I didn't know why he was not fulfilling his role and responsibilities. While he was engaging with porn, he successfully made me out to be the bad, unhappy person, unreasonable Nazi, because he was just "doing the best he could" (when I was upset that he was arriving late, or not getting work done around the house) when he really wasn't doing the best he could, he was wasting his time looking at porn when no one was around, and when he had the perfect opportunities to get stuff done around the house.

Please tell your children. It will help your husband know the seriousness of the damage he has done. He needs to own it. If you leave him, the children will not know the truth, and you will look like a bad person, and he will look like the poor victim.

My children know about the porn. They understand that mom wasn't a mean Nazi during all those years that dad didn't get chores done whenever mom was gone, but that Dad was wasting hours, lying to her, and dishonoring himself, her and them too. They did not want to commit suicide as the previous poster stated. They understood the gravity of what he was doing, and they understand how his lying hurt me and overflowed to the whole family. They knew mom and dad argued, but now they know that the arguments weren't because mom was crazy and mean. Dad was sneaking and lying, and trying to blame it all on mom. My son and daughters know that a spouse doesn't have to be a pushover and that it isn't the non porn addicted spouse's fault the other one is using porn, but it is an addiction and is not acceptable.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> I'm sorry. My husband has also abused porn for 10 years, lies about it and hides it. I have hated it for years. It makes me feel like less of a woman, not good enough. And no matter how much sex we have, he still watches it a ton.
> 
> I hear so many people say "it's just porn, who cares?"
> 
> ...


Thank you. That's exactly it. The lies, sneaking and betrayal. I do not know the man who typed such perverted things and huddled over a computer, quickly closing windows down when I approached. I knew he was doing it again and once I had documentation, he admitted that it never stopped from three years ago. It does hurt and I don't know what I'm going to do.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

IMFarAboveRubies said:


> I'm sorry for your pain. Porn is highly addictive, and users have to change the types of porn they do to keep the brain chemicals flowing. They get desensitized after doing the same thing for a while. It truly is an addiction, and is progressive.
> 
> Now that internet porn has been around for a while, more an more men and women are discovering how it is detrimental to their lives. Young people are realizing on their own that it is interfering with their normal functioning in life, both sexual and non sexual.
> 
> ...


OMG so much of what you experienced is familiar to me. One son was aware of what his father was doing (about 1993 when we first got internet) and actually told me. There were several situation over a few years and we did go to counseling. 

My husband does not and never has tried to blame me. I'll give him credit for that. This, however, is the first time that he has actually admitted that it is an addiction and he is reading references and bringing them to me. His first counseling session is tomorrow. I expect his counselor may want to talk with me at some point. Then I will ask about the kids. They adore their father and as this has seriously changed how I see him, I fear it would color their view as well. 

Thank you for the links. I have copied and pasted them to share with him at the right time. 

Some folks have jumped on and criticized my feelings. I can only explain that the pain (as you know) has been heartbreaking. I'm facing both loss and betrayal. My point was that facing only loss would be easier than this (or at least that's my guess.)


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

sixbravebulls said:


> Geez I feel so badly for you. I stress about feeling like 13 years of marriage is down the tube but you have 42! The worst part is him communicating with men or about men. If I ever learned that about my Dad I would consider suicide. Please don't tell your adult children.


I really appreciate your input. My kids are all very open minded and it just wouldn't affect them like that. They'd be disappointed that he hurt me and concerned that he is sick. They'd be sad that our family is destroyed.

There we so many things that he typed that hurt me. WebWatcher actually allowed me to see the screens he saw, so I could tell who he was private messaging and what each of them said. It tears me up inside...do I know him at all? Did I ever know him?

He keeps telling me it was just all words, but meant nothing. Those words are emblazoned in my brain and burned a hole in my heart. I went to a show with a friend (the only person who knows) this afternoon. When my Xanax wore off, I found myself breaking into sobbing fits, painfully remembering the conversations I saw last night...in my pathetic attempt to find an answer by looking again. 

I'm sorry about your 13 year marriage. I hope you, too, are finding comfort and getting help to triumph over this. Take care of yourself.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

Roselyn said:


> See a psychologist. It is important that you learn coping skills. I can see how insurance coverage is so important, especially that you are under medical care.
> 
> I have a very good friend who is undergoing breast cancer treatments. Her medical bills are enormous. She cannot go on disability as her income would not be adequate to pay for her mortgage and other bills. She is working and undergoing her treatments to continue her medical insurance. There are days when one can see how much she struggles physically.
> 
> I don't think that marriage counselling will help you at this stage as you've already gone through it. You have been married for over 40 years and your husband's addiction has not stopped. Truly sorry that you are here.


Thank you Roselyn.

I'm fortunate that my illness doesn't currently limit me physically and most of the time I feel well. I just need bloodwork regularly and daily treatments to suppress my immune system, which means I have to avoid anyone who is sick. I wish your friend well as that has to be very hard.

My insurance is an issue because I have it from the company my husband retired from. If we aren't married, I lose my coverage...period. Thanks to President Obama, I could buy alternate insurance and have pre-existing coverage, but the cost would be astronomical compared to the benefit we have now. It's so unfair that Americans face such huge hurdles when it comes to healthcare. For me, it complicates the situation I am in. Three years ago, I told him that was his last chance to save our marriage, but now it's my choices that are limited.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

gottaluvcruising said:


> Thank you Roselyn.
> 
> I'm fortunate that my illness doesn't currently limit me physically and most of the time I feel well. I just need bloodwork regularly and daily treatments to suppress my immune system, which means I have to avoid anyone who is sick. I wish your friend well as that has to be very hard.
> 
> My insurance is an issue because I have it from the company my husband retired from. If we aren't married, I lose my coverage...period. Thanks to President Obama, I could buy alternate insurance and have pre-existing coverage, but the cost would be astronomical compared to the benefit we have now. It's so unfair that Americans face such huge hurdles when it comes to healthcare. For me, it complicates the situation I am in. Three years ago, I told him that was his last chance to save our marriage, but now it's my choices that are limited.


You should speak to a lawyer first before assuming you would lose health coverage. Given the length of your marriage the court would most likely require your spouse to keep the policy in force.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm so sorry for your pain.

Here is the 180. I believe it will really help you if you discipline yourself to implement it:

The Healing Heart: The 180

Also, this business of 'they were just words and didn't mean anything' is complete bs. If they didn't mean anything, then why was he so busy saying them, searching women out to speak them to, thinking them up? And they certainly mean something to you. Call complete bs on that the next time he gives that tired excuse. If they didn't mean anything, why has he spent so many years uttering them and then hiding it all from you? So much effort for things that mean nothing. Total bs.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

He's at his first counseling appointment now. I've cancelled my WebWatcher subscription and promise myself I won't look at that stuff again. I bought a book a friend recommended to help me heal, regardless of the outcome. My best friend of almost 50 years is the only one who knows. This is the message she just sent me: "PTSD. You're experiencing a very traumatic life event. For all intents and purposes you've lost your husband - at least the husband you thought you knew. You're experiencing grief for that loss. AND the relationship that you felt safe with now feels unsafe. That has to be terrifying."

It fits so well. Thank you again to those who tried to support and help.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

LosingHim said:


> I hear so many people say "it's just porn, who cares?"
> 
> But if it affects you and affects your marriage, ITS A PROBLEM.
> 
> It feels like cheating. It's a betrayal.


I think one sided viewing of prerecorded pictures and video is one thing. This is a grey area many people will debate.

However, engaging in interactive chat or video where two or more people are actively involved in correspondence whether it's fantasy or not crosses the line into cheating.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I use porn.

It helps take the edge off because my marriage is pretty much sexless.

We make love maybe three or four times a year.

My wife's health problems and the fact that her sex drive has crashed to near zero.

Oh, well. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

I am sorry you are here OP.

I've been through something similar. Recently divorced. You can read my story in the link below.

I do not have an issue with people watching porn. I knew my ex husband watched it (although he always said he didn't) but did not know the extent of what he was doing and that it had turned to real time and illegal activities. We would sometimes watch it together too.

Where it becomes a problem is when it consumes the person and they are withdrawing from their real partner to engage in the porn - just as some of the ladies on here have shared.

It is not the same as the guy (like MattMatt) who uses it to meet his human basic need more so than maybe the average guy because his wife isn't willing to have sex. 

To say the woman is insecure when the situation has grown to this level is not the true issue.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

One week down...

I'm reading the book "Your Sexually Addicted Spouse; How Partners Can Cope and Heal." His second counselor appointment is tomorrow and he's finished his "homework." Per counselor advice, monitoring software is now on all computers, laptops and tablets. 

The book is painful. It makes me revisit the whole thing. I hope it helps. 

He was very optimistic and talkative after seeing counselor. That's a big change as the last couple years he was always buried in his computer - now I know why. 

Communication is better during this crisis time. I hope it continues and will do what I can to foster that. 

Some have mentioned porn videos. He did some video chatting, but mostly in chat rooms usually with some totally made up profiles and scenarios. I have 200+ pages printed and I don't even know that person. 

He asked me not to lash out at him 4 or 5 days ago and I have not. He actually seems like he wants the deceit out of his life...I'm hopeful, but will I ever trust again? Can I ever trust again?

I have sad, depressed, painful, hurt times. But we're also having some good times, tempered by the betrayal we'd like to conquer.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I suspect that the lasting damage is to how you view him as a human being. You now have a very personal view of a side of him that disgusts you. He always knew it would disgust you, so he has hidden it all these years.

As time goes on, the shock you feel now will wear off and you will be left with that disgust and lack of respect. You will be amazed that you could have had such a long marriage with a person that you didn't fully know, a person you wouldn't have married all those years ago if you had known.

If you are like most of us, you will beat yourself up about this. You'll be caught in a marriage where you find your spouse pathetic. You will have no real trust. You will find it in your heart to have some compassion, but this isn't the love you need to sustain a marriage.

I would bet that you are already on your way to these feelings. They are natural. Your WH, on the other hand, is probably starting to feel unburdened for once and is hopeful for your future. 'If only I get real help, we could have a good marriage again...' He likely won't see that he has altered the calculus for good. You can't undo the shift in your view of him that the 200+ pages afforded you.

I, too, think the chat rooms are cheating. He knows it, too. You're in one of those situations where the infidelity is not just hurtful and crazy-making, but also creates a real shift of the WS into pathetic, disgusting territory. In this type of infidelity, a switch gets flipped that is hard to unflip, so to speak.

180. It's your friend now. Best of luck. I'm so sorry.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

alte Dame said:


> I suspect that the lasting damage is to how you view him as a human being. You now have a very personal view of a side of him that disgusts you. He always knew it would disgust you, so he has hidden it all these years.
> 
> As time goes on, the shock you feel now will wear off and you will be left with that disgust and lack of respect. You will be amazed that you could have had such a long marriage with a person that you didn't fully know, a person you wouldn't have married all those years ago if you had known.
> 
> ...


You have amazing insight into my deepest feelings and concerns. I am haunted at quiet times. I know I need to deal with my own feelings and I will. 

We are actually cruising for 28 days in January; when my life blew up in my face, I cancelled his excursions and told him he'd be a "no show" for the cruise and I'd sail alone. His counselor suggests that this month of disconnect will be good for us, so that's what we're doing. 

He's getting help and we're working hard. We're functioning as a couple once again, communicating and he's so much more open than he has been in the last few years. We have too much to walk away without a serious effort. But he KNOWS I have drawn a line in the sand...


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Did you guys ever have a healthy sexual relationship?


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> Did you guys ever have a healthy sexual relationship?


Always did until about three years ago - the first time I caught him chatting with "bra-less 29 year old." After that I was always suspicious of him. He volunteers with a group that rebuilds donated computer parts to make computers for non-profit organizations. So he knows much more about computers than I do....and is ALWAYS bringing home parts and pieces. So I paid for a year subscription to a monitoring software, but never caught anything. But I knew he was up to something. 

I noticed a couple months ago, that he was using one particular laptop at night. So I installed same software (paid for just a month this time) and got way more details than I ever wanted. 

While his escape was all of this chatting (like an idiot he thought he was chatting with women...) he was pretty much ignoring me and my contempt for what I knew he was doing (but couldn't prove it) continued to grow. Every I asked him about it, he'd deny, deny, deny...

Now that it's out in the open, we're talking, he's getting help, our intimacy is back to normal - maybe even better than normal because we're both thankful that our lives didn't go down the crapper. 

But I'm haunted and he can't revert. We know we have work to do. But that work (and his problem) have nothing to do with our sex life.


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## gottaluvcruising (Dec 12, 2015)

intheory said:


> gottaluv,
> 
> You're not alone. You haven't been singled out for this experience. Lots of women go through it. Especially in the internet era.
> 
> ...


Lots of great input! Thanks!

It was clear that he prefers women. In only a couple of the conversations did I question anything else. But I went back and printed the screens so I could see what the other person was saying and some of my assumptions were mistaken. 

I see nothing wrong with porn per se. We have watched videos together. I have a problem with sneaking and lying. I have a big problem with a compulsion that consumes hours per day, prevents having a healthy relationship and keeps him from getting adequate sleep. I agree that what he has done is cheating in some form. 

Why didn't I leave earlier? I did once, but returned to his promises, which I think he meant at the time. I have threatened many times, become hypervigilant (a term I've learned since this discovery.) He has always been the primary wage earner in our home, although there were years when I was close to earning as much as he did and I could have taken care of myself. We have a good life together. We have three adult kids and I don't want to do that to him. I love him. 

Yes, I did consider living as roommates. I even went shopping for twin beds. That was actually my plan for a few days until he came home from his first counselor appointment and started talking. He'll be on medicare in a couple months, but I get to stay on his company's benefit plan AS LONG AS WE ARE MARRIED. I have serious pre-existing conditions and I can't imagine returning to work for insurance; I checked on buying a plan, but even under ACA it's $1600 per month...that's insane. So I leveraged what I had and told him he would keep my on his insurance. He knows he has hurt me badly and I just don't believe he would take action that would cost me my insurance. 

I always joke with my friends that if anything happens to him - and I'm not convicted  that there's no freakin' way I'd marry again. I might "socialize" as needed, but no relationship with anyone else for me. My husband and I have always had shared goals, many shared interests and great love for our children and granddaughter. I have to put them first. 

If he ****s up again, the **** will hit the fan. I have considered seeing an attorney about a "what if" contract. Under these conditions, you will agree to tell the kids the truth and that I get one house, one car, half of our income, half of our investments, my insurance, etc.

It can't happen again. Not again please.


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