# Dealing with a grieving spouse



## liftup985 (Sep 11, 2014)

My husband's bestfriend died in a car accident almost a year ago, he died coming from work and he worked for my husband. 

On to the issue...This past year has been tough, tough is not even a sufficient word to describe how difficult this year has been. Grief is hard and unpredictable and its tearing my family apart. 

Although it may sound terrible I think a separation is in my future but I feel guilty and selfish. How can I leave my husband because he's grieving? But living in a home where my husband never talks to me is hard. Some days he doesn't even look my direction. Things only seem normal when he's drinking and i get a glimpse of the person I married 8 years ago. I know its nothing personal because he's just angry with the world but what can I do if he won't seek help? Am I supposed to just deal with this for however long it takes? I'm not saying he needs to get over it and move on but I need him to see that his friend will never get to see his kids grow up or hug his wife but his family is still here. I'm here and our son is still here. At what point do you say I need to leave for my own sanity? Is it selfish and cruel to feel this way, to say I know you are grieving but I have needs of companionship and simple conversation? It seems very very selfish but should I be sentenced to years of his behavior for something that was out of my control? 

I have an appointment with a counselor next week but I can't wait that long I feel like I need to move out immediately before I lose my mind.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is your son?

This has been going on for awhile... Have you spoken to him about how hard this is for you? How close you are to saying you can't handle it any more? 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## liftup985 (Sep 11, 2014)

Our son is 4. 

When I attempt to explain how I feel he immediately goes to I don't understand. He acts as if he's the only one that lost him. His wife is my bestfriend so I've dealt with the grief of 2 people on top of dealing with his death. He lived in our house just 3 months prior to his death he is not the only one that's hurting and it pisses me off when he makes it seem like his pain is deeper than everyone else. 

I just want some normalcy, I want my husband back


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I get that you want your husband back. But my thought is that you've waited this long, wait and talk to the counselor first. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## liftup985 (Sep 11, 2014)

Waited too long to leave or seek professional help?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

liftup985 said:


> Waited too long to leave or seek professional help?


Not sure what you're asking. I'm just saying that you've suffered for the last however many months; try to hang out for another week. 

If you just walk out now, you'll be yanking the rug out from your husband. You'll be disrupting your child like crazy (I'm assuming her to with you?). And this is the "for worse" part of your wedding vows. So do what you need to do for the next week to talk to your counselor first. Get out of the house, do a movie marathon, whatever. 

But... Don't expect that one session with a counselor is going to fix everything (or even anything). I'm just hoping they can listen and give you some sort of hope/plan to help you move forward. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

liftup985 said:


> My husband's bestfriend died in a car accident almost a year ago, he died coming from work and he worked for my husband.
> 
> On to the issue...This past year has been tough, tough is not even a sufficient word to describe how difficult this year has been. Grief is hard and unpredictable and its tearing my family apart.
> 
> ...


A co-worker of mine went thru a similar situation with her husband. I heard from her how she felt selfish just like you. she tried every way to get her husband to open up and deal with the depression and hurt for months. He just wouldnt. She finally did leave him as she could no longer live that way. She couldnt play second fiddle to a ghost. That was finally the shock he needed I guess to at least address the problem and he started going to counseling. She moved back in with him shortly after he started therapy.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

You mentioned him drinking. I hope you address this with your counselor. Hang in there, marriage is worth saving.


----------



## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I don't think it's unreasonable to 'not be yourself' after your best friend dies so suddenly. You said it's been 'almost a year' which means less than a year. That's not long. Some people cope with death better than others. Some don't.

I'm not sure why you think breaking up your family while having a 4 year old is a good idea. You're not exactly being 'abused'. Sure the relationship feels abusive and highly neglectful, but at least there is a very good reason for it. There really is not much to hold against your husband in this situation.


----------



## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

I think your husband blames himself for his best friend's death.

He was working for your H and died on the way home from work. Therefore, if your H had, say, told him to go home early, or to stay late, or not to stay late, or whatever, he'd still be alive.

Your H is not actually to blame, of course, but that's not how guilt works. That's why he's not able to move past this.

I blamed myself for YEARS when my mom broke her neck in a car accident. I was 5 years old at the time of the accident. I blamed myself because I insisted that we leave 5 minutes early to stop off at a craft store so I could buy some art supplies before meeting my dad for dinner. If I hadn't been so selfish as to demand art supplies, we would not have been at that intersection at that moment. The accident would never have happened. My mom's neck would never have been broken. I still - to this day - cannot use that particular type of art supply or even write down its name. Okay, I was 5. Your H is an adult. But the mind always works overtime to find justifications and to make reason out of randomness. It was probably a random accident. Maybe if it hadn't been your H's friend it would have been someone else instead. But he is trying to make sense of out of this random accident and blaming himself because he feels that he could have altered the outcome had he acted differently.

The fact remains that he could have, in fact, altered the outcome if he had acted differently - demanding his friend stay later or leave earlier, for example. These facts cannot be changed. This is what your H has to work through and come to recognize that he is not to blame or guilty for his death. His friend would not blame him if he could be asked. But these feelings are extremely persistent. He should get some grief/guilt counseling.

I think you should stick it out. Give him a chance to address the real issues through therapy. He should be able to move on eventually. 

I lost a very close family member to a very brutal death. I hadn't met my H yet, I was in a serious relationship with a BF. I put that BF through hell. Though we eventually went our separate ways later, it took me years to be normal again. He stood by me and honestly most of my friends did not. To this day, though we are no longer together, I am convinced that he is a truly exceptional human being for sticking by me during that period of my life. I think it takes a special kind of person to do that. I don't know if you're cut out for that or want to try, but if you can honor your committment to your husband to be there through good times and bad, I imagine your relationship after he has healed from this will be stronger than ever.

Of course I could be reading this all wrong but that is my sense from the several sentences you wrote.


----------

