# Where do I begin?



## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

I grew up an only child from a lower middle class family. Father was a Navy Veteran who worked in a warehouse and mother worked in a dress factory, sewing clothes as a seamstress.

I had a 6 year relationship that went south, which started in high school. We were engaged but she left me. 

I met someone else some time later, we fell in love, and got married. Married for 20 years. It was rocky at times, but we seemed to work things out. My child started driving independently recently, and my wife's time shifted to concentrate on herself. She wants a separation.

I grew up, as I said, being less than fortunate. I stayed in school and eventually became a physician. I served in the military and moved into the private sector. Boy. The money was definitely better, and I was like a kid in a candy store with a big wallet. Got crazy at times, getting various things along the way. My recent hobby has been guns and reloading. 

She wants me to change my ways. Stop being selfish and making myself a priority. She wants me to get rid of my guns. She wants me to change who I am. If I follow her, my career is not ideal at all, in my specialty (I currently have a dream job with high pay and more than a generous vacation). It's definitely in the top 1% of the pay scale. Maybe even higher.

I have no debt aside from a mortgage which just helps reduce my tax burden. My house is well over a million dollars but I owe less than half. I don't have credit card debt. Everything is paid in cash. 

I don't know if I can change my ways. I want to and I have been given a chance at not spending like a "drunk sailor", for a lack of better terms. Shooting and guns has become a passion for me.

I love my wife. I love my child. I am in internal turmoil on what to do. My wife and I have drifted apart, mainly from me socializing with my friends and taking people to go shooting with me. I've never cheated on her. I never will. I never had an intention of ending a marriage but that is what she wants.

How do I do a 180 and change myself so drastically? Make myself less selfish for myself. Give up my hobbies. Change my personality? 

Do I seek psychiatric or psychological help? Do I seek a counselor? 

Any advice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> If I follow her, my career is not ideal at all, in my specialty (I currently have a dream job with high pay and more than a generous vacation). It's definitely in the top 1% of the pay scale. Maybe even higher.


why is your career not ideal here?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> why is your career not ideal here?




In my specialty, because of the very high pay, there is a lot of greed amongst different private practice groups in the area where she wants to move to further her career. There is always a great deal of political turmoil. I'd be coming from a locale that has no real competition to a locale that has several hospital systems competing for the same "business" whereby salaries are a mere fraction of what I make (2/3 to almost half) with much less vacation and longer work hours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is she a doctor too? What percentage of your total family income does she earn?


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## richard.ferrier (May 25, 2017)

I do not know if you are a religious man, but I would start with prayer. For me that alone has a way of bringing issues and dilemmas to crystal clarity.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

*First time and I never thought it would come to this...*

I have been married for 20 years. My wife wants to separate because of my personal selfishness with my time, my priorities and my spending habits.

My salary runs anywhere from high $400s to low $500s Gs. I have no credit card debt, no student loans, no car payments, except for a mortgage where I have 10 years to go.

My daughter is getting ready to go to college. I'm working since I can pay her tuition in cash and I don't qualify for financial aid.

My priorities have been on myself and my hobbies. It helps me deal with the stresses of work. However, my hobbies have taken a lot of time and money. Not to the point of me not paying the bills, however. I take care of all bills, retirement, college savings plans, etc, before I consider spending on myself. I also donate to local causes, mainly for organizations to help disadvantaged children.

She wants to separate and I'm torn. I don't want to do so because I love her. But I find I cannot change who I am. 

We will legally separate and stay in the same house until my kid goes to college. I don't want to separate but I'm intrinsically lost. I don't know what to do. How do I make others a priority over myself? How do I change myself? She says there's no chance of us getting back together. I got all of the chances to change my ways. I need to stop spending so much, get rid of guns. 

Do I just move on and get in with my life or radically reengineer myself to make myself back into who my wife fell in love with?

God help me!


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the sex and intimacy? Is this a marriage worth saving or are you more concerned about the financial fallout a divorce would cause?

If it's good, get a new hobby. A MD friend of ours got his pilot's license recently. Bought an older Cessna, he and the wife now fly all over half the country on weekend getaways. She's also working on getting her pilot's license. Surely there is something you can both do together and share the journey of life with.

Are you sure she's not cheating on you? Sounds like she might be getting her emotional/physical needs met with someone else..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: First time and I never thought it would come to this...*

@Brokenhearted_MD

I merged your two threads. Only one thread on a topic. You will get better input this way.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Is she a doctor too? What percentage of your total family income does she earn?




She makes 1/6th of what I earn. I earn high $400-low $500s. She can become promoted if she were to move but the pay is not what she's after. It's the sense of accomplishment.

I forgot to mention that her family is wealthy. Dad is a self made multimillionaire. Much of her family is extremely successful. Hence my goals of earning to that potential. Many live in the most exclusive neighborhoods of their respective cities/towns. 

I met her uncle who guided me towards what specialty I am in. He is why I'm in a lucrative field, myself. But she is not about the money. She says she could care less about it. My daughter has a trust and she is pretty much set for life, set up by her father.

I'm just a working man getting paid.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

How much time do you spend on her?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> How's the sex and intimacy? Is this a marriage worth saving or are you more concerned about the financial fallout a divorce would cause?
> 
> If it's good, get a new hobby. A MD friend of ours got his pilot's license recently. Bought an older Cessna, he and the wife now fly all over half the country on weekend getaways. She's also working on getting her pilot's license. Surely there is something you can both do together and share the journey of life with.
> 
> Are you sure she's not cheating on you? Sounds like she might be getting her emotional/physical needs met with someone else..




I'm not concerned about financial fallout. I love her. It has always been in my mind to be together forever. I don't want to separate.

She's not cheating on me. She is a workaholic who works from home. We are busy with our lives with our daughter.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Thound said:


> How much time do you spend on her?




We spend family time together on weekends. I used to go to the grocery store and errands with her, but I stopped for whatever reason. Our daughter has so many activities through the week and I have karate that the weekdays are just tough.

One main thing I know is I got hooked on spending time in social media. Mainly Facebook, either reading news, jokes and other time wasting things such as forums.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'm confused, is your wife giving you a chance to fix things? 

If you want to fix you marriage, one of the best resources for this are two book: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs" (see links in my signature block below).

You can your wife would need to read them and do the work together to make the needed changes.

Marriage is a compromise. There should be no reason for you to give up all your guns. I can see maybe cutting back some depending on how much you have. But it's your hobby and you should be able to have a hobby and stay married. But this is something that you can work out. The books talk about how to compromise.

Basically you and your wife need to spend about 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the both of you. Beyond that, you should be able to spend your free time any legal way you want to. 

What is her objections to your guns? Just that you put so much into them? Or is it something else?

Also, since you can afford it, it would suggest that you go to* Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice *and get an appointment with Dr. Harley. I think that the man can really help you. He is a marriage coach and is very versed in situations like yours.

For finances, it sounds like while you spend and lot, you also save, invest and are charitable. You do not sound like someone who is just living paycheck to paycheck. So you should be able to spend money on yourself.

Usually the formula is to put 10%-20% per pay period into savings. Pay the bills. Then you can blow whatever is left over. If your wife and you put your money together in a joint account, then each of you would get 50% of the disposable income to so with as you please. You can save it or buy all the guns you want. When I had kids around the house, I split the disposable income more like 33% for me, him and the kids (the kids shared a 33% amount)

There is a good book "Smart Couples Finish Rich" that might be helpful. Don't know.

Does your wife spend anywhere near what you spend on herself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> She makes 1/6th of what I earn. I earn high $400-low $500s. She can become promoted if she were to move but the pay is not what she's after. It's the sense of accomplishment.
> 
> I forgot to mention that her family is wealthy. Dad is a self made multimillionaire. Much of her family is extremely successful. Hence my goals of earning to that potential. Many live in the most exclusive neighborhoods of their respective cities/towns.
> 
> ...


Then it makes no sense for you to leave your current position and earn about 50% of what you make now so she can earn just a bit more. She might want that sense of accomplishment. But couldn't she find some kind of accomplishment that would not cost your family $100K-$200K annually? 

She's not making much sense. It sounds to me like the kids are grown and now she's all about herself and not thinking very clearly.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Does your state have alimony?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> We spend family time together on weekends. I used to go to the grocery store and errands with her, but I stopped for whatever reason. Our daughter has so many activities through the week and I have karate that the weekdays are just tough.
> 
> One main thing I know is I got hooked on spending time in social media. Mainly Facebook, either reading news, jokes and other time wasting things such as forums.


When you are on your death bed, you will not be lamenting not spending enough time on social media. You will probably be kicking yourself in the rump for the time you did spend there.

Get off social media, spend that time with your wife.

You most likely do not need to complete make over. Just a tweak here and there. And getting off social media sounds like a great tweak. Or at least seriously limit your time on social media.

What does your wife do while you are no social media?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

john117 said:


> Does your state have alimony?




Probably, but I'm sure she is worth more than me, anyways. Her dad is a multimillionaire.

She can probably hire a high end attorney. 


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Then it makes no sense for you to leave your current position and earn about 50% of what you make now so she can earn just a bit more. She might want that sense of accomplishment. But couldn't she find some kind of accomplishment that would not cost your family $100K-$200K annually?
> 
> 
> 
> She's not making much sense. It sounds to me like the kids are grown and now she's all about herself and not thinking very clearly.




She said she never wanted to move where we are now. It's not like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's a decent sized large town. 

I thought she was happy working from home. It's a very large house, with an outdoor kitchen, renovated kitchen, two decks, a heated saltwater pool and hot tub sitting on just under 8 acres. It even has an elevator. It has gorgeous views from every window in the house, including the closets.

Maybe my priorities of wanting and earning a lot just drifted away from what she wanted.

I have no intention of marrying again, if we do get a divorce. I will just die a lonely man. 


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## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> One main thing I know is I got hooked on spending time in social media. Mainly Facebook, either reading news, jokes and _*other time wasting things such as forums.*_
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk Pro


And welcome to TAM Dr Brokenhearted, tread cautiously...if you happen to susceptible, it can be slightly addictive. I like to think it's due to the high level of intelligence that frequents the area.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> She said she never wanted to move where we are now. It's not like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's a decent sized large town.
> 
> I thought she was happy working from home. It's a very large house, with an outdoor kitchen, renovated kitchen, two decks, a heated saltwater pool and hot tub sitting on just under 8 acres. It even has an elevator. It has gorgeous views from every window in the house, including the closets.
> 
> ...


How old are you? 

You know, self pity is not allowed. > You don't have to ever marry again. But a lonely man? I'll bet that you would have no problem finding someone else. It sounds like you also have a lot of friends.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Here's how I how I see it.

You are presently [mostly] happy doing what you are doing.
If you move, you will not be happy at all.

If you stay, she will be unhappy.

If you go, she will still be mostly unhappy.
Going will not not solve anything. It is a marginal return on investment.

Your marital happiness meter never goes above 50 mph, in either situation.
It will never go higher because she will never pedal faster and you have no logical reason to.

Do the separation. She sounds done with you anyway. She does not need you.

You need you...to be happy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You might want to look into how divorce is handled in your state. There is a huge different in how sole property (inheretiance) and martial assets and income are handled. 

She could be a billionaire from inheritance and still get 50% of your joint assets and 40% of your income. It all depends on the laws in your state. You really need to talk to an attorney about all this.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How old are you?
> 
> 
> 
> You know, self pity is not allowed. > You don't have to ever marry again. But a lonely man? I'll bet that you would have no problem finding someone else. It sounds like you also have a lot of friends.




47 years old. My social circle know I'm a doctor, and a very lucky person...until all this. 


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> Here's how I how I see it.
> 
> You are presently [mostly] happy doing what you are doing.
> If you move, you will not be happy at all.
> ...


I agree with this.

She has had the luxury of living a great life in a great house, working from home. She has not had to deal with the corporate cultures, politics, etc. She probably has no idea what she is walking into with this new job.

You (meaning anyone) does not give up all that to go find out if she can handle the corporate nonsense for a salary that is 1/6th of what you make. She's not making any sense. Sounds like a mid life crisis.

And you can ask anyone here about my point of view. I am a HUGE advocate for women and their careers. I retired last year after a several decade career as an engineer, engineering manager, etc. for a fortune 50 company. So when I say think, just know that's where I'm coming from.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Here's how I how I see it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



That's what I was afraid of and that is what she said. She doesn't need me for her happiness. I was torn to ribbons, and cried.

My father was dying of cancer and she helped him so much. She did what no other wife I could see do, until his dying day. She is a selfless, caring woman with a heart of gold. 

I fact, I love my inlaws, too. They're great people and have been proud of what I've accomplished.

I even pay my respects to my teachers who helped me become who I am. They're my Facebook friends and they see what seed they planted to help me succeed. They're proud of me, as have been my family friends (friends of my parents). I honestly lived to my full potential, not to brag, coming from A very humble background.

Where does this lead me? I always wanted to be a doctor.

I love my career. I help a lot of people, particularly who don't have insurance. I grew up much less fortunate and I take the approach of helping people as I would my own family member. Being as thorough as possible to give the best outcome. Many medical students enjoy my teaching, my approach and my methods. I'm in an area where people still value my expertise and appreciate what I do. I love my town and the people in it. 

That is what is so gut wrenching. I worked so hard to get the dream job, the dream wife, the dream house in a town that I thoroughly enjoy. My spending is not like I'm buying super high end clothes, watches, jewelry to show off. In fact, I'm most comfortable in boots, jeans and a t-shirt. I don't care about those type of luxuries. 





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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is all this talk about money, lets get to the root of the problem, why are you not spending time with her? What would it look like if you did? The money in this case doesn't seem to matter much as both of you will be financially well off. OP you have to decided what it is exactly she wants and if you are capable and willing to do that, then you have to decide if she will let you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Is your wife telling you that she will consider reconciliation?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> What is all this talk about money, lets get to the root of the problem, why are you not spending time with her? What would it look like if you did? The money in this case doesn't seem to matter much as both of you will be financially well off. OP you have to decided what it is exactly she wants and if you are capable and willing to do that, then you have to decide if she will let you.




I have tried to change my ways and can't. I'm a selfish individual who cares about nothing but himself and his friends. That's my problem. I've tried to help other people to the point, time or financially, that I have neglected my wife in the process.

I sent money to help a poor high school classmate who needed money for bills and her dog. I helped my God sister by sending her over a thousand dollars after her husband offed himself with a compound bow in front of her. I have gotten so wrapped up trying to help others that I neglected my own. I was given numerous chances and failed.




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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Plus she wants me to get rid of every one of my guns.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Is your wife telling you that she will consider reconciliation?




No. She wants to start the separation process.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I have tried to change my ways and can't. I'm a selfish individual who cares about nothing but himself and his friends. That's my problem. I've tried to help other people to the point, time or financially, that I have neglected my wife in the process.
> 
> I sent money to help a poor high school classmate who needed money for bills and her dog. I helped my God sister by sending her over a thousand dollars after her husband offed himself with a compound bow in front of her. I have gotten so wrapped up trying to help others that I neglected my own. I was given numerous chances and failed.
> 
> ...


Again you equate giving money with not being selfish. I suspect you wife doesn't give a **** about your money. You wife wants your time and effort. Enough with the money that seems to be all you can talk about and how you self identify. I suspect she is not impressed. If you want your wife back you are going to have to dig down deeper then that. 

What does your wife want from you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> No. She wants to start the separation process.


I gave you the name of some books and a marriage coach/counselor who can help you. Have you looked into those yet?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> Plus she wants me to get rid of every one of my guns.


What is her objection to your guns?

If she said that she is divorcing you, when why does she want to you to get rid of your guns?

How many guns (or firearms) do you have?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I have tried to change my ways and can't. I'm a selfish individual who cares about nothing but himself and his friends. That's my problem. I've tried to help other people to the point, time or financially, that I have neglected my wife in the process.
> 
> I sent money to help a poor high school classmate who needed money for bills and her dog. I helped my God sister by sending her over a thousand dollars after her husband offed himself with a compound bow in front of her. I have gotten so wrapped up trying to help others that I neglected my own. I was given numerous chances and failed.


Does your wife object to you having given these women money? If so why?

With your resources, $1,000 is like most people giving someone $100.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Does your wife object to you having given these women money? If so why?
> 
> 
> 
> With your resources, $1,000 is like most people giving someone $100.




She doesn't know. 

I just randomly help people that I see are in desperate need.

Yeah, $1000 is just a drop in the bucket.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What is her objection to your guns?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I have 50 guns: Pistols, rifles, shotguns, muzzle loader.

I was planning on becoming a competitive shooter. 

My brother in law one day was having a typical Brother Brother moment. He called me fat, we argued that when he recovered from surgery we would should fight it out. Some words were said and a gun was mentioned by me, and she thought I was really threatening him with a gun, which I would never do. We were just talking. He forgave me. It was a dumb spat. I've never gotten into a fight in my adult life. I was a military officer and I'm a physician. I have no plans of ending my career with such stupidity.

As a precaution I Have had guns in strategic places outside of the safe for home defense. As I said we live in a remote place on 7 plus acres. 


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I have you the name of some books and a marriage coach/counselor who can help you. Have you looked into those yet?




Not yet. She's off to a wedding for a week. 

I want some stability in the house until my kid graduates from high school and then she wants to leave and go her separate way.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> She makes 1/6th of what I earn. I earn high $400-low $500s. She can become promoted if she were to move but the pay is not what she's after. It's the sense of accomplishment.
> 
> I forgot to mention that her family is wealthy. Dad is a self made multimillionaire. Much of her family is extremely successful. Hence my goals of earning to that potential. Many live in the most exclusive neighborhoods of their respective cities/towns.
> 
> ...


Why would you allow the shadow of her father to guide your career while ignoring the fact that she doesn't care nearly as much about that earning potential?

Your inferior self image is causing you to ignore what you can clearly see with your own eyes.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Again you equate giving money with not being selfish. I suspect you wife doesn't give a **** about your money. You wife wants your time and effort. Enough with the money that seems to be all you can talk about and how you self identify. I suspect she is not impressed. If you want your wife back you are going to have to dig down deeper then that.
> 
> 
> 
> What does your wife want from you?




Money doesn't buy her happiness. I thought all of our trips and traveling were something she enjoyed. She exaggerates that I spend so much that she sees none of it. 

The money I spend on my hobbies are a mere/tiny fraction of my money. 

I guess I neglected her in time. Time not spent with her. Not paying attention to her. In retrospect that I where I lost her. 

I'm in a dream job and location. She wants to be in another city to further her career in her organization. When I met her I admired her because of her intelligence, beauty, determination and ambition. 

Unfortunately my job doesn't lend that kind of flexibility to move. In terms of career I'm "settled" here and I can't find a job like this in the city of her choice. I spent time in the military to get my training and education. Now I have to strongly consider giving up everything in my career. I just don't think I could do that. 

I guess we are better off separating and moving on. I neglected her with my attention on my friends and hobbies. Socially I destroyed my inner circle for a lack of a better term.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> She said she never wanted to move where we are now. It's not like I'm in the middle of nowhere. It's a decent sized large town.
> 
> I thought she was happy working from home. It's a very large house, with an outdoor kitchen, renovated kitchen, two decks, a heated saltwater pool and hot tub sitting on just under 8 acres. It even has an elevator. It has gorgeous views from every window in the house, including the closets.
> 
> ...


No one asked how big your house was or what expensive improvements you've made to it or how much property you have. You've listed these things as if they are a proof of your love and they are only a proof of how much you are paid.

Perhaps your lack of wealth misinformed you that wealth would lead to fulfillment, that once you made it you would be a worthy man. How'd that work out for you?

Your people skills seem to suck. Your listening skills also suck...but that may be me projecting my personal feelings about some doctors. 

Your loneliness will be a direct result of the effort you put into emotional intimacy with others. So beef up your emotional intelligence.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I don't think giving up your career, social circle, and hobbies for your wife is a good idea.

TAM is littered with men who lost their marriages because they gave up these things.

If she doesn't love you for who you are, what do you really have?

I don't think meeting her needs should consist of you giving up your identity.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You pulled on my C-Major string...the one that is connected to the parasympathetic vagus nerve. My aortic arch is spasm-ing sympathetically. 
.....................................................................................
It is not the guns that she wants gone.

It is the memory of them in your hands....and not the memory of her. They represent her competition. She wants to disarm you and take your targeted love away.

Take every gun out off the house, but one....keep one for self-protection. Put them in storage. Tell her you got rid of them.

Do everything that she asks/asked for. Tell her you did this for her. She wanted your attention...all of it. Give her your fair share. Yes, it is likely too late. But do it anyway.

Tell her to move by herself. You will visit her on weekends and through the week as possible. Tell her that you love her. And that you wish the best for her.

Do this warmly and while embracing her. Do not grovel. Having genuine tears in your eyes will go a long way to dissolving her resolve. Tear up...do not break down.

If she is the good women that you think, she will bend....if not, you gave it your last effort.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> That's what I was afraid of and that is what she said. She doesn't need me for her happiness. I was torn to ribbons, and cried.


No, if we are self-balanced this is true... happiness comes from ourselves and it isn't so much the the creation or manufacturing of happiness, it is in essence the absence from suffering which leaves room for happiness to be.

Problem is, we often end up in a cycle to manufacture the removal for the thing we manufactured to place there.

I don't want to be here to be co-dependent to or in my wife's happiness... I want to be here to compliment, inter-dependent in my wife's happiness, I think that is where we often fail in our understanding.

Offer yourself in kindness and for no other reason, but do not confuse that with money... money is simply a tool so when/how you hold the tool and apply too little, or too much pressure will either leave the parts loose or twist the head right off the bolt.

Better yet... use a different tool.

Perhaps separation is nothing more than a test of your mettle and resolve... these samplings can happen to shake out clearly where you stand. She shows, or has shown, she needs to believe in some change... she has a boundary and it has been set for her. Removing a selfish love for things is always a lose-lose proposition because unless you can truly let go, you will not land where you wish... love for things influence people that way. 

I suppose the challenge is understanding the depth of substitution when this happens, and why.

I think the thing that troubles me the most though is that decisions are in play that weighs your relationship against things. It wouldn't matter what the hobby, your wife has accepted that you place them over her, and in that has accepted she is not necessary in your life... she does not compliment your happiness, you have filled that in other ways and in that, she is removing her suffering and changed expectations to acceptance.

You can love yourself and your hobbies, but if you place yourself in a position that is not enough of her life why would you expect her to accept her missing her husband is a suffering worth having?

I believe you may be finding out that money and things cannot replace that.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I guess I neglected her in time. Time not spent with her. Not paying attention to her. In retrospect that I where I lost her.


This is where the issue is and this is where you need to fix things.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Virtually every post here mentions money or possessions........Very telling.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Thanks for your advice from you all.

Well, my wife is away for a week to help her dad with a debilitating neurological disease. I heard a song this evening and texted my wife a screen capture of the title. It was called "You're the best thing that ever happened to me." She was pretty evasive and negative. 

I think she's really done with me. I think she despises my mother, too. My mother is a passive person who is another point of frustration for my wife.

Oh well, I have really tried making some efforts even from long distance without any real progress. I called my inlaws to see how my father in law was doing and gave my mother in law some advice about what I thought they should do for his disease. At the end of the conversation, She said she loves me, and I said I love her also. I said to give my love to dad, too.

I don't think her parents know. I'll be heartbroken because I love her family. Her siblings, her cousins, aunts and uncles. I'm losing an entire Family when I lose her.

I have spoken to 3 very close friends who say it's not worth trying to change or sacrifice ,y career to meet her ultimatum. One thinks she may be undergoing early menopause, and another said it might be midlife crisis for her. I'm not one to judge. She's a decisive person and that's what I love about her. She always knows the right things to say and do in a diplomatic fashion...except when she is talking to me.

I was in the denial, anger and bargaining phases. But I realize there is no further compromise. She wants to move forward.

I'm getting someone to do some work on my house to set up for selling the house. It is a tad big for two people (mom and myself, plus two aging dogs).


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

With a wedding plus helping her dad it will be a busy week for her... one text will not change things, it takes time for enough attention drops of rain to water a neglected relationship.

Text is a poor communication when problems are present... let that go.

We all need actions, not words.

It might be wise to stop bargaining, you cannot negotiate with suffering, neither of you.

If you ask her up front "are you done with us" will you accept the words that come?

If you do, then act on her words of truth.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

I wouldn't just give up quite yet.

I would stop sending the sappy text messages they make you appear weak and unattractive.

Get a copy of the Married Mans Sex Life Primer and run the MAP program.

Hit the gym hard. 

Be present for your wife when she wants you to be. DO NOT DOTE ON HER.

If she wants things to work out, it has to be her idea and the only way it becomes her
idea is that your new found attractiveness over powers her resentment.

Let her see that you will still be a strong happy person with or without her.

DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR JOB, FRIENDS or HOBBIES.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> I wouldn't just give up quite yet.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Thank you. Those are very meaningful thoughts.

I have lost 35 pounds since I was diagnosed with diabetes. She has been so supportive along the way. Through diet and exercise I have gotten off of medications. If it weren't for her, I couldn't do it. She has always been my strength and support. I just took it all for granted I see, now.

But I know I can't change myself or give up my hobbies. But I can change other things that I hope could still make her happy. It's just moving is something I can't do, either. At my age, moving would set me back. I love my community, my town, the patients and the work. I get excited to do work. It just gets taxing at times that I need my hobbies for an outlet. 

Other colleagues I have with me, have no hobbies and I can see how stress affects them. I have mentored a colleague and introduced him to my hobby, and he's been a lot less stressed, too.




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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

So, what are you willing to change? All I've seen in your posts are things you won't change. Besides money, what do you bring to your marriage? How are you a partner to your wife? You list all the things you do for other people, but what do you do for your wife? I'm not talking anything to do with money. How would you make your marriage happy if you didn't have two nickels to rub together?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

*Re: First time and I never thought it would come to this...*



Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I have been married for 20 years. My wife wants to separate because of my personal selfishness with my time, my priorities and my spending habits.
> 
> My salary runs anywhere from high $400s to low $500s Gs. I have no credit card debt, no student loans, no car payments, except for a mortgage where I have 10 years to go.
> 
> ...


You are not invested in your own marriage. You are invested in yourself. This is what your W is attempting to tell you. You have spelled it out in two posts. Selfish and you first. ALL WRONG in a marriage.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

ButtPunch said:


> I don't think giving up your career, social circle, and hobbies for your wife is a good idea.
> 
> TAM is littered with men who lost their marriages because they gave up these things.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. However, your marriage should be your priority, so you really need to modify some of your behavior, rein yourself in, so to speak. While I dont agree she should ask you to give all of this up, I can see that she thinks that is the only way for you to pay attention to her. *Moderation* is key, here. If you seriously feel like you are this selfish person and will not/cannot make some changes for your marriage, then you should divorce her and let her find someone who WILL make her a priority.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

I suspect your wife will become a hypocrite when everything is said and done......she wants her freedom, or independent from you, but she wants you to play for it all....in in my book that is hypocrite. Does she intend to support herself on her own?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

*Re: First time and I never thought it would come to this...*



Brokenhearted_MD said:


> My priorities have been on myself and my hobbies. It helps me deal with the stresses of work. However, my hobbies have taken a lot of time and money. Not to the point of me not paying the bills, however. I take care of all bills, retirement, college savings plans, etc, before I consider spending on myself. I also donate to local causes, mainly for organizations to help disadvantaged children.
> 
> She wants to separate and I'm torn. I don't want to do so because I love her. But I find I cannot change who I am.


If you love her, why don't you want to spend time with her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> My father was dying of cancer and she helped him so much. She did what no other wife I could see do, until his dying day. She is a selfless, caring woman with a heart of gold.
> 
> That is what is so gut wrenching. I worked so hard to get the dream job, the dream wife, the dream house in a town that I thoroughly enjoy.


And yet you couldn't be bothered to pay her any attention. 

How many times a day did you talk to her, say 6 months ago? How many times a day did you touch her, hug her, kiss her? How many times did you ask her about her day and really listen? How many times a day did you tell her what great things YOU did that day?

Do you see where I'm going with this? Only child, works hard and enjoys trophies. 

You SAY you love her but it looks to me like she's just another trophy you kept around and paid no mind - until she took the step of wanting to be noticed and you risk losing her.

ETA:


> It is a tad big for two people (mom and myself, plus two aging dogs).


Oh wait, you are also having your mom - whom your wife doesn't enjoy - in your house? 

No wonder she's leaving.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> But I know I can't change myself or give up my hobbies. But I can change other things that I hope could still make her happy.


Seriously? You're willing to lose your wife, the woman who you say is the most amazing woman in the world and is practically a SAINT, because you don't want to stop buying guns or surfing Facebook?!



> It's just moving is something I can't do, either.


Has it occurred to you that the REASON she wants to move is how you treat her? That if you'd take yourself off your self-made pedestal and actually live a real life with her, the kind you promised when you got married, that she would have been just fine living with you? That she would have followed you around the world? 

sheesh


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Lostinthought61 said:


> I suspect your wife will become a hypocrite when everything is said and done......she wants her freedom, or independent from you, but she wants you to play for it all....in in my book that is hypocrite. Does she intend to support herself on her own?


Her parents are millionaires.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

*She's not cheating on me. She is a workaholic who works from home. We are busy with our lives with our daughter.*


You would double your substantial income if you had a $1 for every man who has written that on one of these forums. When a woman wants to separate out of the clear blue sky, you can bet there is a fairly high percentage that one of three things is going on

(1) she already is in an affair of some kind
(2) she is thinking about having one
(3) she wants to owe you no accountability for anything she does, so of course the excuse will be "we were technically separated"

If I were you, I would tell her its fine, you will give her her separation along with divorce papers which you will tear up once she passes a polygraph if she wants to end the separation and stay married indicating she has not been involved with another man.

i know, you're convinced she does not have time to cheat. Another frequently used certainty.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I grew up an only child from a lower middle class family. Father was a Navy Veteran who worked in a warehouse and mother worked in a dress factory, sewing clothes as a seamstress.
> 
> I had a 6 year relationship that went south, which started in high school. We were engaged but she left me.
> 
> ...




Well, she should not ask u to give up a hobby u have a passion for. However, it sounds a bit like u take that hobby as more important than your wife. Ask her for some time before a big decision. Give her attention, lots of attention. Take her out on dates, take her on a vacation somewhere she has always wanted to go, make it as romantic as possible. Tell her how beautiful she is every day and how lucky u r to have her. Make her your priority, sure go to the shooting range, but not nearly as often as u do now. She feels like an outsider. She feels single because u have your attention elsewhere. 


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Remee81 said:


> Well, she should not ask u to give up a hobby u have a passion for. However, it sounds a bit like u take that hobby as more important than your wife. Ask her for some time before a big decision. Give her attention, lots of attention. Take her out on dates, take her on a vacation somewhere she has always wanted to go, make it as romantic as possible. Tell her how beautiful she is every day and how lucky u r to have her. Make her your priority, sure go to the shooting range, but not nearly as often as u do now. She feels like an outsider. She feels single because u have your attention elsewhere.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is good advice for you several years ago. It's a little late for this now.
Any attempt to do these things now will appear forced in her eyes and reek
of desperation on your part. This will make you less attractive.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

straightshooter said:


> *She's not cheating on me. She is a workaholic who works from home. We are busy with our lives with our daughter.*
> 
> 
> You would double your substantial income if you had a $1 for every man who has written that on one of these forums. When a woman wants to separate out of the clear blue sky, you can bet there is a fairly high percentage that one of three things is going on
> ...


I hope SS isn't right but more times than not.....he is.

I would check her phone bill and for god sakes don't get caught checking it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ButtPunch said:


> This is good advice for you several years ago. It's a little late for this now.
> Any attempt to do these things now will appear forced in her eyes and reek
> of desperation on your part. This will make you less attractive.


What she needs from him now - if it's even possible - is total humility from him. Remorse at how he's emotionally abandoned her. Horror at how lonely she must have been the last few years, caused by him and his 'desire' for his hobbies.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> What she needs from him now - if it's even possible - is total humility from him. Remorse at how he's emotionally abandoned her. Horror at how lonely she must have been the last few years, caused by him and his 'desire' for his hobbies.


I disagree.....I believe this will only work if she comes to him wanting to work on things.

If he approaches her like this, she will feel like it is forced and push her away even more.

At most, he should tell her once I screwed up I'm sorry. I pretty certain he has already done
that numerous times.


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

ButtPunch said:


> This is good advice for you several years ago. It's a little late for this now.
> 
> Any attempt to do these things now will appear forced in her eyes and reek
> 
> of desperation on your part. This will make you less attractive.




As a woman who has been neglected for work, hobbies, and friends, I have to say I disagree. I was done, he was just not spending any time with me. Always on his phone, going four wheeling with the neighbor, spending our only weekend day away from the kids by going fishing in another state with his uncle, I was ready to leave. Told him flat out. Everything changed. He still goes four wheeling, still plays on his phone, but at a small fraction of what he used to. He did all the things I mentioned above, showed me just how important I am. He took me on a cruise, just him and I. We swam with dolphins (dream of mine) went snuba diving (something we both have always wanted to do), and spent every second together. We go on a tropical vacation every year. Our marriage is holding strong, I don't feel neglected and he still gets to do what he likes. I even got a helmet and go four wheeling with him. Made him really happy. So it may not be too late, because I was already out the door when he made these changes. He is the love of my life, and even though now we r going through a slight issue, I know our marriage will be stronger on the other side.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ButtPunch said:


> I disagree.....I believe this will only work if she comes to him wanting to work on things.
> 
> If he approaches her like this, she will feel like it is forced and push her away even more.
> 
> ...


Mind you, I didn't say that he should do those things to GET something out of it. He should do it because that's the ONLY way she'd ever consider choosing him again - if he owns his own sh*t.

Plus, it sounds like it might do him some good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Remee81 said:


> As a woman who has been neglected for work, hobbies, and friends, I have to say I disagree. I was done, he was just not spending any time with me. Always on his phone, going four wheeling with the neighbor, spending our only weekend day away from the kids by going fishing in another state with his uncle, I was ready to leave. Told him flat out. Everything changed. He still goes four wheeling, still plays on his phone, but at a small fraction of what he used to. He did all the things I mentioned above, showed me just how important I am. He took me on a cruise, just him and I. We swam with dolphins (dream of mine) went snuba diving (something we both have always wanted to do), and spent every second together. We go on a tropical vacation every year. Our marriage is holding strong, I don't feel neglected and he still gets to do what he likes. I even got a helmet and go four wheeling with him. Made him really happy. So it may not be too late, because I was already out the door when he made these changes. He is the love of my life, and even though now we r going through a slight issue, I know our marriage will be stronger on the other side.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


IF she's not cheating, that stuff will work, but only if it comes with remorse.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> IF she's not cheating, that stuff will work, but only if it comes with remorse.


She needs to be willing to hear it as well


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## Remee81 (May 24, 2017)

turnera said:


> IF she's not cheating, that stuff will work, but only if it comes with remorse.




Lord yes. To say DH had remorse would be an understatement. And I know what he was saying was true, I left him a very long time ago, not too long after we got engaged for a month. That boy went to work, got home with a six pack, drank it and passed out until work the next day, wouldn't even sleep in our bed, he couldn't look at my pillow or not feel me next to him. I knew when he said life without me would be sh*t he was telling the truth. True, obvious, meaningful remorse is a must. And get over this selfishness, get over yourself. Your married, it's the two of you. We always think about the other when making any decisions, while making any plans, anything. We r a unit, plain and simple that is what marriage is.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Something else is up. If she wants to spend more time together make that happen. Doesn't mean you have to sell your guns or stop doing what you are passionate about. 

Snoop her phone and computer and out a recorder in her car or where she hangs out. I think she is up to no good. 


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Remee81 said:


> As a woman who has been neglected for work, hobbies, and friends, I have to say I disagree. I was done, he was just not spending any time with me. Always on his phone, going four wheeling with the neighbor, spending our only weekend day away from the kids by going fishing in another state with his uncle, I was ready to leave. Told him flat out. Everything changed. He still goes four wheeling, still plays on his phone, but at a small fraction of what he used to. He did all the things I mentioned above, showed me just how important I am. He took me on a cruise, just him and I. We swam with dolphins (dream of mine) went snuba diving (something we both have always wanted to do), and spent every second together. We go on a tropical vacation every year. Our marriage is holding strong, I don't feel neglected and he still gets to do what he likes. I even got a helmet and go four wheeling with him. Made him really happy. So it may not be too late, because I was already out the door when he made these changes. He is the love of my life, and even though now we r going through a slight issue, I know our marriage will be stronger on the other side.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




That sounds wonderful. That's a great idea.

Actually many of our energies have been concentrated upon our daughter. She is where we both spend our time and energy. We take her to her different activities, shows where she performs, and when we vacation we place a heavy weight towards where our daughter wants to go.

We took a trip to NYC together and watch 8 Broadway shows. We went clothes shopping for the ladies and visited the UN. 

Other than that, our vacations have been spent going home to help out Dad. He's been suffering from a Neurological disease that has not been managed well at all. We have gone to their house 4 times each year for the past 3 years. Going to doctor visits, talking to his doctors and actively trying to problem solve his condition to help his function.

My dad had cancer and we he was around, we played an active role in his care. We do the same with my Father in law. I love him dearly. 

Recently they listened to our advice to renovate the home so he had more mobility around the house. 

If I weren't on call, I'd be right there with her. Regardless of what is going on with my wife, as my knowledge has helped him throughout our relationship with his other medical conditions.

Everyone is absolutely right. This dialogue with all of you, has helped opened up a perspective from many different views. Mainly negative about me, and I realize that.

Concentrate on her. Place her on that pedestal. It may be too late for me but someone can learn from my story not to be so wrapped up in one's self. 

This discussion has been very therapeutic, and I'm not a good person in many ways. My priorities were out of whack. I may not be suited for anyone. It's ok. I can accept that. 

I want what's best for my wife or soon to be ex. I want her to be happy. 

I am in limbo as we can't communicate on a level that I would like at the moment, given that she's out of town. 






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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, she doesn't belong on a pedestal. YOU need to get off YOURS, and SHE needs to be by your side as an equal. Think equal in terms of attention, who makes decisions, etc. She wants a partner who notices she's in the room.

Two, do you have appointments set up for Saturday and Sunday? No? Are you on call the entire weekend? Then just get on a damn plane and go talk to her. You've got enough money.

Three, what this sounds like more to me - tell me if I'm wrong - is that YOU secretly want to be single. The way you describe her decision to maybe separate, you've been noncommittal at best, practically helping her pack at worst. This is not typical of a man who says he loves her more than anything, blah blah. 

Tell the truth: are you really just starting to get excited at being able to be single?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> One, she doesn't belong on a pedestal. YOU need to get off YOURS, and SHE needs to be by your side as an equal. Think equal in terms of attention, who makes decisions, etc. She wants a partner who notices she's in the room.
> 
> Two, do you have appointments set up for Saturday and Sunday? No? Are you on call the entire weekend? Then just get on a damn plane and go talk to her. You've got enough money.
> 
> ...




I don't want to be single. 


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

jarhed said:


> Something else is up. If she wants to spend more time together make that happen. Doesn't mean you have to sell your guns or stop doing what you are passionate about.
> 
> Snoop her phone and computer and out a recorder in her car or where she hangs out. I think she is up to no good.
> 
> ...




I have the Where's my IPhone app. I know where she is all the time if I wanted to know. I trust her. If she were cheating on me, I probably deserve it.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I thought the question about where your mother lives is pertinent. Does she live in your home? How is your mother's health? Have you been allowing your wife to do any caretaker duties while she has been working from home full time?

I have heard that many people who work from home have had problems getting other people in their lives to value and respect the work they do. Have you made sure your wife has not had her work days interrupted by tasks related to your mother being in the home?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And I guess the 500,000 dollar question is, if your mother is living in your home, why?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I don't want to be single.


Then exactly what role do you think your wife should play in your life? What role DOES she play? 

Are you willing to look into this or are you just gonna say 'see ya' because she wants you to spend a couple hours a night with her?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WilliamM said:


> And I guess the 500,000 dollar question is, if your mother is living in your home, why?


And who MADE that decision?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> And I guess the 500,000 dollar question is, if your mother is living in your home, why?




When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my wife said my parents should move in with us. My father passed away, and my mother has been staying with us since then. She is not disabled. I wanted to take care/provide for her. That's all.




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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> Then exactly what role do you think your wife should play in your life? What role DOES she play?
> 
> 
> 
> Are you willing to look into this or are you just gonna say 'see ya' because she wants you to spend a couple hours a night with her?




I'm going to take a lot of advice that I have seen here. 


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> When my dad was diagnosed with cancer, my wife said my parents should move in with us. My father passed away, and my mother has been staying with us since then. She is not disabled. I wanted to take care/provide for her. That's all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You said in most of your posts your way of taking care of people is by giving them money. You didn't mention you being an actual caretaker yourself. Didn't you mention your wife was? 

I just find it odd. It's not something I would have ever allowed if I could possibly have afforded otherwise. 

It sounds like you could have afforded the home down the street for them to live in. That way your home could have remained your sanctuary for you and your wife. 

You'll probably take this the wrong way, but I think even if your wife leaves you you really need to not have your mother live with you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't see so much wrong with having your mom live with you - IF you are not out pursuing hobbies til the cows come home, leaving her home alone with your wife!

Let's face it. Your wife isn't your partner. She's one of the conveniences you have set in place in your life to give you the perfect situation - good son, look good to the community, do all the right things...and you have a shell of a marriage. And now she's done with it.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> *I have the Where's my IPhone app. I know where she is all the time if I wanted to know. I trust her. If she were cheating on me, I probably deserve it.
> 
> *
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


She can shut that off in a New York second just in case youre interested.

*If she were cheating on me, I probably deserve it.*

A very stupid statement from a very smart guy. No, if you are that much of an ass hole she should divorce you, not bang other men behind you back, lie to you, deceive you, and make a fool of you.

You own 50% of the marriage problems. She's in the same marraige and you ain't cheating.

Stop speculating, hoping, and use your brains and find out what the hell is really going on.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

WilliamM said:


> You said in most of your posts your way of taking care of people is by giving them money. You didn't mention you being an actual caretaker yourself. Didn't you mention your wife was?
> 
> I just find it odd. It's not something I would have ever allowed if I could possibly have afforded otherwise.
> 
> ...




I was going to buy her a house, cash in hand, 2 years ago but the realtor dropped the ball. My mother went on a trip for a year. When she comes back I want to buy her a house in the town where my father is buried. I think she will be more happy there. That's where my mother's friends are. So yes, that is part of my plan anyways.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > I gave you the name of some books and a marriage coach/counselor who can help you. Have you looked into those yet?
> ...


If you are going to use the counselor that I suggest YOU have to call him, all by yourself, and tell him what's going on. He will help you. It might start out as just you and he talking. She may never be involved in it at all as he is very good at helping husbands fix things like what's going on in your marriage.

The books are for you to read first. They have things that will help you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> When she comes back I want to buy her a house in the town where my father is buried. I think she will be more happy there. That's where my mother's friends are. So yes, that is part of my plan anyways.


Does your wife know about and endorse this plan?


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Satya said:


> Does your wife know about and endorse this plan?




Yes. She actually encouraged me to do so. She knows my mother would feel better having her own place.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

WilliamM said:


> You said in most of your posts your way of taking care of people is by giving them money. You didn't mention you being an actual caretaker yourself. Didn't you mention your wife was?
> 
> I just find it odd. It's not something I would have ever allowed if I could possibly have afforded otherwise.
> 
> ...


I agree with this.
Broken hearted I think you have made one of the big mistakes which is to put all into providing for your wife and family but forgot about relationship. It happens to so many men particularly those at the pinnacle of their career or who are making lots of money.
Money does not buy everything.
You have neglected and emotionally abandoned your wife, guaranteed. Now it is possibly too late.
You have allowed her to take on the responsibilities of taking care of your family and even your parents. What have you done, earned money.
I expect if you don't change your ways, you will end up a lonely old man.
Being a provider is not enough, you have to spend time with your wife. If she is like most women her needs for affection, conversation were not met in this marriage.
I know all about this because my H did the same thing coupled with drinking too much. I think emotional neglect and abandonment is one of the worst things that can happen to a wife as people don't see if and she suffers in silence and loneliness for years. I think you should let your wife go.
I am sure she tried to tell you many times but you did not want to listen either, she was just nagging.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> I don't see so much wrong with having your mom live with you - IF you are not out pursuing hobbies til the cows come home, leaving her home alone with your wife!
> 
> Let's face it. Your wife isn't your partner. She's one of the conveniences you have set in place in your life to give you the perfect situation - good son, look good to the community, do all the right things...and you have a shell of a marriage. And now she's done with it.



Thank you for your input.

I don't leave them all alone together like that. My mom has her circle of friends in my town, too. My mother is self sufficient. She cooks and does things for herself. Problem is we all have our own en-suite, that people can just disappear in the house. Heading to my man cave, is pretty isolated, too.

On point number two. You're absolutely right. I want to fix this. That is the most perfect analogy "shell of a marriage". Thank you for that. I've tried so hard pursuing the American dream that every immigrant has for their child when they come here. So much, that my wife has been in the back seat. 

I plan to cut back on my hobbies and time spent like that. Concentrate on my family. Get off my ass. Get out of that damn cave I have been in. Stop having such narcissistic tendencies. That's what I have. But I've seen much worse. 

This past few days that she has been gone, all of the comments I see, and my recent conversations with friends have been an eye opening experience for me.

Start making a difference IN my house, as opposed to outside of it. I hope I'm not too late. I have to see what compromise can be made because the ultimatum won't work for me either.

I want some form of common ground. I want to change.

Thank you, everyone.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If you do not have balance in your life you will suffer.

While Zen living may not be realistic for many, it has a place in modern life if we begin to realize our lives may not as great as we thought them to be as a facade of things replace people.

I have never hear someone ask themselves "how much is enough" in a mindful relationship.

Life is illusional at times, what is normal to some is chaos to another and when we look at balance, the weight of a single thing is often heavier than a dozen relationships if too much "weight" is given that thing.

It is a natural law really.

Balance.

All scales are different, you do need to be happy in your activities, but always be aware of the weight it casts.

Your wife has... and it's not your job to sell her or convince her you will or have changed. That is her's to own.

So choose your type happiness and understand where your desires lead you and how such can either compliment or disappoint.

Another balance... once you recognize it and act on your own scale you will see how your life's scale will present things just how they are if you take the time to observe.

People say when a woman says she's done, she's done. I know some believe that because they have experienced it but for many who have, there are many who have not.... that gives hope for you.

Hope is never squandered... keep it close but be realistic that you can only control you.

If you have not flown to her already, then I would think you have many answers to your own questions.

Our feet often mirror our feelings... be it hope or fear.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

I'm flying to her right now


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Brokenhearted_MD said:


> I'm flying to her right now
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


Excellent! Find some really romantic place to take her. Take her out shopping to a fancy store and let her pick out a fancy dress for the romantic place, maybe a jewelry store. Better yet, find a lake, buy a picnic basket, fill it, and go sit and eat and watch the sunset over the water.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> Excellent! Find some really romantic place to take her. Take her out shopping to a fancy store and let her pick out a fancy dress for the romantic place, maybe a jewelry store. Better yet, find a lake, buy a picnic basket, fill it, and go sit and eat and watch the sunset over the water.


I like the picnic basket idea...


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

turnera said:


> Excellent! Find some really romantic place to take her. Take her out shopping to a fancy store and let her pick out a fancy dress for the romantic place, maybe a jewelry store. Better yet, find a lake, buy a picnic basket, fill it, and go sit and eat and watch the sunset over the water.




Thank you. Those are great ideas for when we return.

I went to the wedding that she is attending for her cousin. 

Her great uncle who is like The Godfather asked me to come. He called me at 830 AM, and I packed, flew out there, and arrived at 530 PM. Her whole family was happy that I was able to come. 

I have been helping her and her dad, as Dad needs physical assistance with dressing and going to the bathroom. I am devoted to my family and my extended family. I love them all. 

I have gone to a full court press and focus and I will be giving up social media. Focus on my family, my wife, my daughter, and not let life pass me by.

Thank you everyone.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good luck! Come back if you have any problems or questions.


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## Brokenhearted_MD (May 25, 2017)

Well as an update, my father in law passed away from Pneumonia in May. It was devastating to me because he was doing so well 3 weeks prior to the event.

He was so excited to attend my daughter’s graduation from high school. His oldest grandchild to graduate.

That was tough for me. I was close to him.

Then my older dog died of cancer.

My daughter left for college, and we have been empty nesters.

Our relationship has improved since then. I do a lot with my wife again. I’m learning to cook. She and I choose shows to watch together on television. I do stuff in the house and do my share of what needs to be done. 

On weekends, we plan to go to various festivals and events or parties.

This weekend, we are going away for a few days to watch some musicals in Broadway.

I think the lesson is this. You need to prioritize your life to what matters most. Family and your other loved ones. Nothing else matters. 

22 years together. I hope it lasts forever.

Thank you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wonderful update, despite the sad news. You will persevere together as long as - as you rightfully say - you prioritize what matters.


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