# Can’t stop thinking about her



## JackJack12345 (Jul 21, 2021)

Don’t judge me. 
I know I’m awful.
7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self. 
After a year this woman at work told me that she had a sexual dream about me. Straight away we started a sexual relationship. We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening. 
I felt very guilty as I love my wife but I was so besotted with this woman that whenever I tried to end it (twice) I felt that sad/bad for her that I carried on. And to be honest I loved her too. 
We had an affair for 4.5 months. 
I had a mental breakdown. Due to work pressures, home and the affair. So I ended the affair. I asked the woman did she want to stop talking but she said no that she still wanted to be my friend. 
So we carried on before just without the sex. We still spoke all day. 
A year later my wife got a message on Facebook telling her about the affair. It was a fake account. I know it was the woman. She denied it. 
My wife deleted all my social media and banned me from having any contact with her. I agreed as I wanted to save my marriage. My wife’s family received messages telling them of the affair. 
I rang the woman and asked her to leave us alone. She still denied it was her. 
She told my wife everything. 
My wife was very upset but agreed to stay with me. I have had no contact with this woman. I hate her for what she did. 
But here comes my predicament. Nearly a year later, I can’t stop thinking about her. The way she made me feel. The sex. Her laugh. Her smile. How funny she was. 
I don’t want to leave my wife and children but I just can’t stop thinking of her. 
No matter how much I try and how much I distract myself, she is always there. I know it sounds awful but I don’t know what this means or what to do.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

A few thoughts. You are a very selfish person. You can't even own the mistake. You only regret getting caught. Don't hate the other woman, it is only your fault, no one else's. You are the one that couldn't keep his penis in his pants and his mind in his 7 year "happy marriage." Also, did you ever consider it may have been the other woman's husband that spread the word about your affair?

If you care at all for your wife you need to get divorced in my opinion. You are currently using your wife as plan B since you can't have the woman you really want. It isn't fair to her and you appear to have zero remorse for what you've done. You are currently in love with a woman other than your wife, so why stay married to her?


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## JackJack12345 (Jul 21, 2021)

I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children. 
She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me. 
I just can’t help my thoughts….


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes you can help your thoughts. Have you ever heard the saying 'where the mind goes the man follows?'. Everytime you think of her stop, think of your wife and children and all the blessings you have. Think of the distress and pain you caused your wife. Think of loosing everything. Think of what a terrible women of low morals she is, a married woman going after another woman's husband and one with children as well. A woman with no integrity. Cheating and lying to her husband. 

You are very fortunate that your wife was able to get past this, yet still you betray her constantly by having all these fantasies about the OW.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
> She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
> It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
> So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
> I just can’t help my thoughts….


So, 4.5 months of sex with this OW and the thought of your kind wife and beautiful children never crossed your mind? Never thought of the stigma, friends and family hating you while you were between the legs of your cheating affair partner. It didn't matter until you got caught.

Have you really told your wife everything or are you still lying and hiding some of what went on? Are you still talking to this woman? Are you still working with this woman? If so, the affair has never ended. It just has gone from an emotional affair to a physical affair and back to an emotional affair.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

JackJack12345 said:


> I love my wife


You sure picked a strange way to show her by boning another woman for 4+ months. You won't get any sympathy from me. You don't deserve your wife and she's a saint for taking you back. And to show your appreciation, you have started to fanticize about the other woman again, which will no doubt lead to another affair. The other woman sounds very unstable....but that's what you probably deserve. Enjoy your Fatal Attraction.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

JackJack12345 said:


> Don’t judge me.
> I know I’m awful.
> 7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
> My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
> ...


I'm not here to judge you. Why do you think you had the affair to begin with? What were some of the issues at home? (May not be obvious at first, but if you think about it, I'm sure there's something.)


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

JackJack12345 said:


> I just can’t help my thoughts….


Problem is you’re thinking with the wrong head.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

At some point, what you have done to your wife and your family will probably sink in, and your wife will kick your butt to the curb. If she does, you will be free to pursue any piece of a** your heart or penis desires, which will make both of you happy.

The dilemma you're experiencing is exactly why you should end an marriage before you start another relationship. If you're being truthful, you would have realized that the forbidden fruit was not worth losing your family.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

JackJack12345 said:


> I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
> She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
> It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.


So look at what you wrote -- NOTHING about how your wife feels with all this, you are just worried about what would happen to YOU -- your reputation, etc.. You WIFE is the victim here.



> So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman* to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if*…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
> I just can’t help my thoughts….


You think "what if" because you are STILL CAUGHT UP in a fantasy. She wasn't real-life. You were in the affair fog, and still seem to be. How do you change your thoughts? When you think of the OW -- THINK ABOUT how your WIFE would feel if she knew what you were thinking - and how much that would hurt her. 
Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME you think of the OW. You are dreaming and you need to wake up before your wife DOES divorce you..


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

It sounds like you simply enjoy drama.
Why don’t you focus your wooing capabilities back on your wife and create a whirlwind romance for her? Marriage doesn’t have to be boring, and if it is, it’s up to the one who is bored to change something.
I’ll never completely understand the mind of a cheater because I’m not one and never will be - I have too much respect for the basic dignity of other human beings - but I would suspect that you are not in love with the OW. You are in love with drama, chaos, grand romance, and secret rendezvous. So create the dramatic romance with your wife. She deserves it, and it will make you both happier.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Do your wife a favor and end the marriage. 

No one wants to be married to a man who is so in love with someone else.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You are selfish, but if you really want to keep your marriage, you need individual counseling. Without professional help, your flaws will be your worst enemy and you will cheat again. Fix your flaws with help. Then decide whether you strayed because something was missing or it was your all about me flaw. 



The thoughts can be fixed, but not without help bud. You feel the need for the elation and newness of the AP. With time this will dwindle, if you cut all contact.

Keep posting, and keep us posted. We will try to help you be a better husband or a better partner for your next relationship. That selfish streak has gotta go though.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

Just to me blunt here, you don't actually love your wife. You think you do. This right here is why I remain single. Both sexes try to rationalize this behavior. You also STILL desire relations with a woman that obviously cannot be trusted. Beyond her blabbing, she engaged relations with a known married man! Let that REALLY sink in! ANY woman that would do this is trash. I am sure she and even you try to rationalize it but.....

Your wife seems like a saint and you don't deserve her. None of my exes would have ever tolerated that and I would not either. 

I constantly think wedding vows should be updated/modernized to "for now until I find another". That is all marriage is these days! Go read through the mountain of testimonials in the cheating section. 

If you want to stop thinking about the other woman, divorce your good wife, engage relations with the new one, and patiently wait until she cheats on YOU so you can repeat this process.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You have a victim mentality. Why? Because you profess to be unable to control what you think. You are just the hapless victim here, right?

This other woman exposed the affair, not because she wanted to be honest but because she wanted to get back at you. She sounds like a nut-job.

But, here you are, yet again, focusing your thoughts on her. She sounds like trash to me. But you are pandering to your fantasies. Another indication of your victim mentality.

Continue to indulge yourself if you wish. Your life. Your choice. 

I'm astounded your wife hasn't kicked you to the curb. I'd suggest you learn to focus your attention on your wife. Yeah, you CAN control what you think and about whom you think.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I will be a minority again and won't join the cheater bashing crowd. Why to do this? Did he come here for this bashing? He admits his cheating, admits it was wrong and tries to find a solution to his specific problem

OP, can you try to clear few things:

1. Why are you fantasizing about that woman? Did she give you something you wife does not give? Is that incredible sex or connection that you miss at home? You need to address this, until you get from your wife and with your wife what you miss and crave with this woman you won't be able to get rid of these thoughts.

2. Do you really love your wife and she loves you? You need to answer honestly this question. There is a difference between love and not wanting to hurt your children or be brutalized by family and friends by divorcing or leaving your wife. If you truly love her and she loves you there is hope. However if you just try to avoid shame by staying in your marriage then eventually your marriage will be destroyed.

3. Are you really sorry for what you have done? Again, you need to answer this question honestly. Not because you were caught, but because you sincerely sorry for what you have done and is ready to do whatever is necessary to repair your marriage. Note, you may never regain full trust from your wife since you damaged it. So you need to be mentally prepared to live the life with the fact she will always doubt you. Can you do this?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I’m not going to go on and tell you what a bad person you are, you already know this. 

But now your stuck with haunting memories of another women you loved. Those torturing thoughts are the price your going to have to pay for what you did. The yearning for something that will never be. Affairs are not fun for everyone involved. There is nothing you can do to take your mind off this women…. Just focus on what you have in front of you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

JackJack12345 said:


> I do love my wife. She’s the kindest person i know. She wouldn’t hurt anyone. And we have two beautiful children.
> She threatened to tell them I had an affair and take them away if I left.
> It’s not just that though. I didn’t want the stigma of leaving my wife. My friends all knowing. My family hating me.
> So all in all I didn’t want to leave my wife. I thought I did and made plans with the woman to be together but I was just caught up in a fantasy. I do sometimes think what if…. And I know the woman would have taken me back but I couldn’t hurt my wife any more. I do hate myself for what I did, to my wife and to the woman. I feel so guilty and have spent the last year showing my wife how much she means to me.
> I just can’t help my thoughts….


You don't love your wife or you wouldn't put her in this position.
She shouldn't have to tell everyone about your affair. That's your job. You tell your family and hers so that she'll have support through this difficult time.
How have you shown her how much she means to you?
You can help your thoughts. You don't seem to be actively pushing them away. You are lingering.
Have you changed jobs?
Have you blocked her and deleted her from your phone book?

Why would your wife have to have you delete your media presence. You do all that yourself to show your wife you mean business. It isn't her job to police you. 
Have you read anything about surviving and affair and things you should be doing for your wife and to rebuild trust?


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

JackJack12345 said:


> We spoke and texted all day everyday. We met up in the car and we went to a hotel for the evening.



how sweet and endearing. they ought to make a hallmark movie about this. truth bomb: the other woman got sick of you and told your wife. your usefulness was up. She used you as a diversion and was probably seeing other guys as well.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

manowar said:


> how sweet and endearing. they ought to make a hallmark movie about this. truth bomb: the other woman got sick of you and told your wife. your usefulness was up. She used you as a diversion and was probably seeing other guys as well.


No way, I'm sure it was true love.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

No judgement, I’m giving you facts, and those facts have come from your mouth: 

You don’t regret a thing, and shame and stigma are your primary concern. You don’t want a divorce because people will see the truth. It’s that simple! That’s your real problem! You’re ‘playing’ a role. Good husband trying to work it out, you love you wife. None of this is who you really are? Who are you? And why the discomfort, why not embrace the real you! Let everyone know, it must be soooo infuriating having to play a responsible mature growing man. Why not bust out and be the real you? It’s ok, you’re not that special and you’re not the first!

Most alarming is how out of tune you were when your father in law was sick and how annoying it was that your wife looked after him. So annoying that she was doing all the work! But the most awesome thing is that it freed up your time to love a women free from that annoying stuff that life throws at you like sick and dying people

In real life, this is what people do when family members become ill.

You also don’t hate the other woman. You’re still in love with her.

So, when are you going to be brave and proud of yourself and throw down the chains? Put yourself in the shoes of a homosexual a few decades ago, imagine the bravery and the stigma associated with coming out and showing your true self.

Come out! Cut lose all that responsibility, the kids and wife are just going to get sick one day and have all these issues, why tie yourself down?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

He is selfish. He wants his cake and to eat it too.

IOW, he's a cake eater!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh, and you’re probably annoyed too that the messages sent to everyone didn’t do the job for you. Didn’t have the desired effect. You were hoping that the anonymous messages could bring you and your baby together, that your wife could kick you out, and your mistress would welcome you with open arms.

But none of that happened. The woman you love is still with her husband, and you’re stuck with that kind responsible wife.

Because you’re a little bit lazy. You get through life with everyone doing your job.

I’m so sorry the anonymous exposure of your affair didn’t get you the desired results! Why not try the grown-up route, ringing around and making appointments, seeing divorce lawyers, taking time of work to see people. Comparing prices, quotes, doing some maths. Ugggh - got that sick feeling just thinking about how to get life going?

Sounds to me like you tried the coward’s divorce and it didn’t work out.

Maybe it’s more your style to try sending anonymous messages and see if that motivates your wife? You could always try setting up a fake account if it’s too hard to see a lawyer? Send some messages to your wife again, pretending to be the OW and confessing more and more… then your wife can do your work and you’re free from that boring adult stuff. Worth a try eh? 😉


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Bibi1031 said:


> He is selfish. He wants his cake and to eat it too.
> 
> IOW, he's a cake eater!


Naw, he’s still eating lollipops and candy. Cake is for adults. He’ll maybe try cake when he’s about 70, unless the dementia gets him first. Some people mature extra slow.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Luckylucky said:


> Naw, he’s still eating lollipops and candy. Cake is for adults. He’ll maybe try cake when he’s about 70, unless the dementia gets him first. Some people mature extra slow.


Clue me in, cuz I'm lost.🤔


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

If you truly were repentant of what you did to your wife, these thoughts of the other woman wouldn’t be there. 
If you appreciated the gift of reconciliation your wife granted, you’d see how much you and that woman hurt her. A man hates things that bring pain to people he truly loves. For that reason, I believe you don’t love your wife. You don’t hate the other woman and hate the weakness in yourself for what you did.
She must be a wonderful woman who makes your life easy and is pleasant to be with. I envy you of such a woman. So you love how she treats you. But you should let her go and go be with the adultress you deserve and let your wife heal and hopefully know what it’s like to be married to a man that truly does love her.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

My wife cheated, but not going to bash you right now.

Have you ever thought that the fake account was her husband? 

Look here's the thing. You changed your marriage FOREVER. Your wife will never look at you the same. No amount of counseling will wipe her memory of what happened or the pain.
e
Here's a question, be honest, no judgement. Did you settle for your wife? Was she really the kind of woman you were hot for or was she just cooperative and decent enough?


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## JackJack12345 (Jul 21, 2021)

Thank you for al your replies. 
I was acting like a child.I still am I guess. 
but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust. 
even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> Don’t judge me.
> I know I’m awful.


No, I think I will judge. 

You are right. You are awful. 

You say you love your wife. 

That's just something you say to make yourself feel better. Hope that works out for you. 

You don't love your wife. You love having your wife as your plan b, but you don't actually love your wife. 

Glad you hate your AP for outing you to your wife. I mean, it was definitely your AP that ruined your family and not you, right?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Why did you think you couldn’t do better? It’s really worth exploring that. Also, and important question - WAS she better than you, did you ever feel you were punching above your weight back then? What’s your history with women before you met her?

I could be wrong, but was she actually a step up for you and this is driving your need to cheat?

Why no passion, is she unattractive? Another important question, can you imagine your wife in a years’ time, or secretly and currently, under her veil of kindness and loyalty… sleeping with someone better looking than you..? Does that stir up rage… or love? Or relief?

I ask because I was the other woman twice before I married. Both wives were 10x better looking than me and smarter and wealthier too. (Incidentally, they were both all of these things more than their husbands too) And the key word, kind.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

‘Don’t judge me.’

Also worth exploring that you mention you don’t want the stigma and judgment of friends and family if knowing what you’re doing.

It might actually help you, to ‘come out’ as I mentioned before, so that you feel better about being who you are.


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## JackJack12345 (Jul 21, 2021)

My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore. I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing. 
she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy. 
I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all. 
My wife knows this and I still have no social media.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

JackJack12345 said:


> My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore. I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing.
> she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
> This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy.
> I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all.
> My wife knows this and I still have no social media.


That’s great - we’re getting somewhere.

It’s entirely possible… that you haven’t really made your wife feel cool and sexy… and that’s why she’s holding back. Women want to feel sexy and you sound so disconnected. She probably does know and feel that you settled, for whatever reason. Let’s be Frank, I wouldn’t feel too happy and cool with a man like you. And to me more Frank, your mistress didn’t feel too cool either most of the time she was away from you. 

Given the very little you describe, your wife is the type of woman that will be a demon in bed to the many man probably dreaming about her. Not only is she picking up your scent, but the men around you are. Admittedly, this doesn’t feel good to you when you say you really really would be hurt. I’m not being cruel here - I’m telling you real truths, that are coming out from what you say.

It’s unlikely that you’ll make any women feel sexy long term. This may really hurt to hear - you might be the dud?

Truly really think about your wife being that catch for another man. It would shock you to see her years later with that glow - another man giving her that glow. She’s ditched you, moved on. She’s free, some man is riding off to work and can’t wait to hang with your kids and itching, desperately waiting for your kids to get to bed so he can devour her. But you’re somewhere else and she’s not looking back.

How does all of this future look to you?

She is going to have a brilliant future, mark my words.

Now, do you see where you’ve been lacking? How have you made that women go about her 7 years during the day when you’re not around, and in bed with YOU at night when your thoughts aren’t passionate?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> Thank you for al your replies.
> I was acting like a child.I still am I guess.
> but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust.
> even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck


why would your wife want to have sex with you , 
you are not attracted to her she is not attractive to you 
she does not turn you on 
all you want her for is the same thing as a flashlight 

we can all make mistakes you have made more that many 
and sometimes it is impossible to go back and start again 
don't do the crime if you can't do the time , now your gone from your mistress 
and your wife is not going to be second best 
and in your own words you are not attracted by her 

it is over move out move on and learn from your past


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I dont believe in victim blaming. His wife being the victim in this situation. A lot of people cheat becasue they can, not becasue they are lacking something their partner isn't giving them, even so. It's their choice to cheat. They have a mouth, a voice. He could have opened his mouth before he screwed someone else. 

I hope your wife leaves you and finds someone else who does everything you didn't.


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## MEA (Jul 12, 2021)

My husband's previous marriage was to a woman he didn’t love and settled for.
He married her because he thought that’s what he was supposed to do at that age and he thought he couldn’t do any better. He told her he didn’t want kids, but did not take responsibility by getting a vasectomy. She told him she was on birth control, but she wanted kids and behind his back, stopped taking the pills. She claimed the first one was a “miracle baby” accidentally conceived through birth control. He stupidly believed her and 4 years later, she did it again so they now have two kids - my stepsons.
He tried leaving her multiple times, but she always threatened to kill herself and when the oldest was old enough to be manipulated, she used the boy as a pawn. She regularly abused and threatened to him that she would call the police and claim that she was the one being abused. So sick and twisted.
My husband never wanted to be a divorce statistic, and stayed in this unhappy, disturbing, loveless marriage for 8 years before he finally got the guts to leave her for good.
Throughout all of this, he never once cheated on her - a trait that I found incredibly attractive in him (because if anyone ever deserved to be cheated on - which they don’t - she would be first in line).

I say all this, because blaming your loveless marriage for your cheating is just an excuse.
Some people have what it takes to cheat, and some don’t. You are a cheater. Plain and simple. There is no excuse or reason to justify cheating - ever.
Just as the woman above pointed out (the jilted wife was 10x the woman she was and she is self aware enough and brave enough to share this), your own wife’s characteristics have absolutely nothing to do with your own.
You are either a cheater or not.

I still think you just love drama.
If your wife is willing to stay with you and work things out, make HER the focus of your obsession.
Like others said - of course she isn’t good in bed. You aren’t making her feel sexy and wanted like you made your mistress feel.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

JackJack12345 said:


> *My wife isn’t unattractive, I’m just not attracted to her in that way anymore.* I used to be. Also during affair I wouldn’t have minded if she had gone with someone else but I think now it would hurt me. As we have been trying so hard. It’s very confusing.
> she just doesn’t give me what I need sexually.
> *This other woman was fun and happy and cool. I forgot who I was when I was with her. She made me feel wanted and sexy.*
> I haven’t had any contact with her. None at all.
> My wife knows this and I still have no social media.


How can your wife and mother of your children compete with an adulterous woman, who’s willing to be wanton with another woman’s husband. Your affair partner was just as bad as you. Willing to wreck 2 families for lust. Is she also a mother?

Was it really her that exposed? I think it was her betrayed husband. if it was her, was it to get you to divorce, so she can claim the prize?

Did the 2 of you engage in talking about leaving your spouses? Dreaming about running off into the sunset with your soul mate? Such talk is so common in an affair. Many times they even wish they never married their betrayed spouse and hence are actually wishing their kids away. Yet here you are feeling sad about looking into their eyes.

I usually read post like yours from WWs but the few times I see it from a guy, I have to admit it truly sickens me. Eventually you will come down from your fog and see that you took a dump on a queen you had so you could be with a who...


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Some people constantly dream about what they don’t have. They walk by looking at everyone else’s yard and never water their own grass and maintain their own house. It gets shabby and nasty, so they move to a new place and it turns to **** also.
Chronic discontents.

The problem with OP is he is blind to his wife’s love.

I had a woman that I was madly in love with. laying beside her at night and holding her would have been enough for me. Having sex with her was always the best ever. Just being inside her and feeling her want me made it fabulous. Because I loved her.
You don’t love your wife OP. It’s not her. It’s you. You’ll never have great sex for a long time with any womAn. After a short time, you’ll start lusting after some other man’s wife and forget the love you had for your current wife. 
Again, the problem with sex with your wife is all in your head. You’re smart enough to know better than to let her go because someone will swipe her up immediately and adore her.
But your stupid enough you are always going to want someone or something else.
Sorry, you’re your own worst enemy.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Affair partners are always fun and cool. That's part of the affair fog. It's part of the fantasy. 

And it is, you know? It is a fantasy.

Real life is your wife and the kids and finances, and the mortgage and bills, and sick relatives and work and obligations. The affair is all deep conversations, stolen time together, risky hookups at the office, hot hotel sex, fooling around in the car like teenagers. There are no bills, no mortgage, no sick family members. There is no real life. Which is why an affair always seems better than the marriage. Because the marriage has to function in the real world, while the affair does not. 

OP, here's a little secret: If you were married to your affair partner, guess what? There would be a wife, kids, school, mortgage and bills, sick relatives, trips to the store, oil changes, work, obligations. All the fun, exciting, forbidden rush would be gone. Because your relationship would be taking place in the real world. Similarly, if you'd been pouring that time, emotion, lust, care, all those deep conversations, stolen time together, hot hotel sex, fooling around in the car like teens, _energy_ into your marriage, it would be just as hot as your affair was. 

So, I would hazard to say that it's not your wife you settled for nor your affair partner you love. Rather, it's the daily work of real life you aren't able to sustain, and the fantasy you crave. Get a therapist. Do the work. Grow into a mature, responsible, honest, dependable man with some integrity. 

The grass is greenest where it's watered. You, sir, were watering the neighbor's grass while complaining that your own yard seems so dull and lifeless.


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## EmergeRN (Jul 17, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> Don’t judge me.
> I know I’m awful.
> 7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
> My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
> ...


Ok, people may crucify me here but here are my two cents.

First, you do NOT love your wife. If you did you would not have found solace in another woman. Period. I know this because I was in a similar situation (didn't cheat but met someone else); however, I was able to admit to myself that not only did I not love my wife, I hadn't loved her for a long time and only stayed for so long (probably 5 years longer than I should have) because I was afraid of the financial toll a divorce would take on me.

Second, you don't hate this woman for what she did. You hate yourself for what YOU did. Are you some weak fool who can't think for himself and is so easily influenced that you blame someone else for your actions? 

Third, you should man up and admit to yourself you don't love your wife and leave her. You'll be happier. She'll be happier. 

I met a coworker and we instantly had a connection that turned into a deep friendship. We confided in each other about our relationship issues, both of us were unhappy. When I realized I had feelings for this friend I finally realized that I couldn't live in a loveless marriage - my ex isn't a bad person, we just aren't two people who should be married to each other. I filed for divorce, didn't contest anything my ex wanted and we've both moved on with our lives. Sure it was painful at first, but she has met someone who compliments her much better than I ever could have. As for my coworker and I, we have been together for two years and are getting married next year. 

Man up. Admit to yourself you don't love your wife. Move on with your lives. Both of you will be much happier.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

EmergeRN said:


> Ok, people may crucify me here but here are my two cents.
> 
> First, you do NOT love your wife. If you did you would not have found solace in another woman. Period. I know this because I was in a similar situation (didn't cheat but met someone else); however, I was able to admit to myself that not only did I not love my wife, I hadn't loved her for a long time and only stayed for so long (probably 5 years longer than I should have) because I was afraid of the financial toll a divorce would take on me.
> 
> ...


This won't get you crucified. This is much closer to the way it should work. Not every marriage is going to work, but you should still have the decency and respect for your spouse to end it the right way. No one want to hear you aren't in love with them anymore and want a divorce, but it seems to me that is by far a lesser of two evil compared to cheating.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> Thank you for al your replies.
> I was acting like a child.I still am I guess.
> but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust.
> even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck


Sometimes people marry thinking they have the best relationship ever and that all the right reasons to marry are there. There are many reasons as to why this can happen, perhaps lack of other experience, or based on past experience, but over time, it becomes clear that you married a friend only. This happened to me, and because both my former LT relationships were abusive, meeting someone kind and good who made me laugh made me feel like it was enough.
It wasn't. It was what I needed at that time to heal from those past relationships, but it wasn't right for a long term marriage. 

I've seen many replies on here saying you do not love your wife. I disagree. Love comes in many forms. I love my best friend whom I've known since school, but I do not want to turn homosexual and enter a romantic relationship with her. I love my STBX husband, unfortunately we turned it romantic but that side didn't really last long after the lust died. The love I still feel for him as akin to that I feel for my female best friend. That's not enough for a marriage for me.

You should think about this and do the kind and right thing by your wife if the love you feel for her is as a friend. If it is, you will never be happy and your marriage will never work. If you come to that realisation, sure you will hurt, she will hurt, but you'll both heal in time. You cannot be honest with anyone else until you can be honest with yourself.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EmergeRN said:


> Ok, people may crucify me here but here are my two cents.
> 
> First, you do NOT love your wife. If you did you would not have found solace in another woman. Period. I know this because I was in a similar situation (didn't cheat but met someone else); however, I was able to admit to myself that not only did I not love my wife, I hadn't loved her for a long time and only stayed for so long (probably 5 years longer than I should have) because I was afraid of the financial toll a divorce would take on me.
> 
> ...


What you had was an emotional affair and what you did is called Monkey Branching or as I like to call it, having a soft place to land. It's completely unethical and unfair. The "right" thing to do was to leave 5 years earlier when you realized you didn't love your wife any longer and hadnt for a long time. Instead you develop s "deep friendship" where you confide your relationship issues to one another while emotionally bonding. 

Yours is a perfect example of rewriting history to suit the narrative. You weren't willing to take the financial hit 5 years earlier when you realized there was no love for the wife but miraculously, you took it when you met your emotional affair partner.

I wish you the best of luck with your fiance but please don't use your story as an example of "doing it the right way". It's just more "I left my spouse for another".


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

The right thing to do here is divorce her, but you do the work, not her. And be fair to her too, for the kids.


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

I think he was saying don't do what he did, that's what I took from his post.



Lila said:


> What you had was an emotional affair and what you did is called Monkey Branching or as I like to call it, having a soft place to land. It's completely unethical and unfair. The "right" thing to do was to leave 5 years earlier when you realized you didn't love your wife any longer and hadnt for a long time. Instead you develop s "deep friendship" where you confide your relationship issues to one another while emotionally bonding.
> 
> Yours is a perfect example of rewriting history to suit the narrative. You weren't willing to take the financial hit 5 years earlier when you realized there was no love for the wife but miraculously, you took it when you met your emotional affair partner.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck with your fiance but please don't use your story as an example of "doing it the right way". It's just more "I left my spouse for another".


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## EmergeRN (Jul 17, 2021)

MarmiteC said:


> I think he was saying don't do what he did, that's what I took from his post.


That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying he should have left his wife and then become involved with this woman if that's what he wanted. No marital history is being re-written (no one here was involved in my marriage therefore they can't speak on the topic) and there was no emotional or physical affair involved in my situation, no matter how much people here want to monday-morning quarterback it based on a short blurb I wrote. Period. End of that discussion.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

EmergeRN said:


> That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying he should have left his wife and then become involved with this woman if that's what he wanted. No marital history is being re-written (no one here was involved in my marriage therefore they can't speak on the topic) and there was no emotional or physical affair involved in my situation, no matter how much people here want to monday-morning quarterback it based on a short blurb I wrote. Period. End of that discussion.


That's the great thing about posting on a forum like this. People have enough experience with infidelity to read between the lines. It is what it is, but please don't think yours is the golden standard OP should use to leave his marriage.


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## EmergeRN (Jul 17, 2021)

Lila said:


> That's the great thing about posting on a forum like this. People have enough experience with infidelity to read between the lines. It is what it is, but please don't think yours is the golden standard OP should use to leave his marriage.


Or their experiences have jaded them so much that they see affairs where NO affair was committed (such as in my situation)...but people here will believe whatever they want and they're free to do so no matter how incorrect they are.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> What you had was an emotional affair and what you did is called Monkey Branching or as I like to call it, having a soft place to land. It's completely unethical and unfair. The "right" thing to do was to leave 5 years earlier when you realized you didn't love your wife any longer and hadnt for a long time. Instead you develop s "deep friendship" where you confide your relationship issues to one another while emotionally bonding.
> 
> Yours is a perfect example of rewriting history to suit the narrative. You weren't willing to take the financial hit 5 years earlier when you realized there was no love for the wife but miraculously, you took it when you met your emotional affair partner.
> 
> I wish you the best of luck with your fiance but please don't use your story as an example of "doing it the right way". It's just more "I left my spouse for another".


I totally agree.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There's an old saying, but it's a good one - if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you. If you end up leaving your wife, and the other woman leaves her husband for you, one of you will likely cheat on the other. Because the problem isn't the marriages, it's something within you both that needs to be worked out. I'm not saying your marriage doesn't play a role in your happiness, but if you are willing to cheat on someone you took vows with, when things get stale/boring with the OW, you will probably do the same to her. This is often why second marriages end more than first ones. 

There's a series on Amazon prime called ''The Affair,'' not sure if you've seen it. It's really good, well acted, and shows what happens when an affair becomes the main thing...when two affair partners try to make a go at a meaningful relationship. They usually fail, because they started on lies, deception and fantasy. Nothing ever meaningful will come from that. I would suggest therapy for you and possibly if your wife wants to join.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

JackJack12345 said:


> Thank you for al your replies.
> I was acting like a child.I still am I guess.
> but yes I settled for my wife. I thought I couldn’t do any better and I settled for the life we had. There has never been passion or lust.
> even things she has said to me have made me want someone else. But like I said she is good and she is kind. And we do have a Laugh and we do get on it’s just the sex has always been very boring she doesn’t turn me on anymore. I love my children now and I look in their face when they thought I was going to leave it’s heartbreaking and I look on my wife’s face and she thought I was going to leave was heartbreaking so I really don’t want to leave but I just feel stuck


Well at least you now realize it's only about sex. If you were with the other woman a year from now sex would be boring with her too.


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## Kyristynia71 (Sep 16, 2021)

JackJack12345 said:


> Don’t judge me.
> I know I’m awful.
> 7 years into my marriage, a happy marriage, a woman started at my work (who was also married) I was besotted. I spent a year wooing her, buying her things, helping her, and trying to arrange time that we could be together. We also moaned about our partners to each other.
> My FIL was very ill and my wife was spending all her time caring for him. He had carer’s and she had siblings but she took it all upon her self.
> ...


dear Jack I completely sympathize with your situation because I'm in the same situation only in reverse I had an affair with a married man that I completely fell in love with and unfortunately for me he was not ready to leave his wife either but being the other woman I know the hurt and pain that the other woman also goes through and the bottom line is this you have to decide what means more to you either your wife and family and trying to make it work with them or this other woman whom you've been fantasizing and thinking about nonstop because you can't have it both ways , so you really need to sit down with yourself and examine all of the avenues figure out what would happen if you did decide to leave your wife I don't know how old your children are so I don't know what this would do to them if they're young enough it won't even matter to them but if they're older and they understand what's going on they'll be a little on the hurt side but they will recover and figure out what makes you happy in this world as I have come to discover myself there is a vast difference with trying to make a life work when you are trying to please everyone else except yourself in this world we only get one shot at happiness and regardless of what the consequences are when you find that happiness you have to grab it with both hands and to hell with the ****ing consequences so if you think for one moment that this woman would be what you want and would make you severely happy then you need to figure out what you need to do in order to make that real if your wife and children is what makes you happy then you need to make that real but you cannot have it both ways it's Impossible so you really need to sit down and have a soul-searching conversation with yourself and think long and hard about what is going to make you happy and then figure out the steps that you need to take in order to get you there but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and good luck to you


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Kyristynia71 said:


> dear Jack I completely sympathize with your situation because I'm in the same situation only in reverse I had an affair with a married man that I completely fell in love with and unfortunately for me he was not ready to leave his wife either but being the other woman I know the hurt and pain that the other woman also goes through and the bottom line is this you have to decide what means more to you either your wife and family and trying to make it work with them or this other woman whom you've been fantasizing and thinking about nonstop because you can't have it both ways , so you really need to sit down with yourself and examine all of the avenues figure out what would happen if you did decide to leave your wife I don't know how old your children are so I don't know what this would do to them if they're young enough it won't even matter to them but if they're older and they understand what's going on they'll be a little on the hurt side but they will recover and figure out what makes you happy in this world as I have come to discover myself there is a vast difference with trying to make a life work when you are trying to please everyone else except yourself in this world we only get one shot at happiness and regardless of what the consequences are when you find that happiness you have to grab it with both hands and to hell with the ****ing consequences so if you think for one moment that this woman would be what you want and would make you severely happy then you need to figure out what you need to do in order to make that real if your wife and children is what makes you happy then you need to make that real but you cannot have it both ways it's Impossible so you really need to sit down and have a soul-searching conversation with yourself and think long and hard about what is going to make you happy and then figure out the steps that you need to take in order to get you there but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and good luck to you


So the to summarize this post. Who cares what hurt you cause or whose family you destroy, they will get over it. You just do what makes you feel good. That is your stance, correct?

Also, ever heard of punctuation?


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## uphillbattle (Aug 17, 2011)

Kyristynia71 said:


> dear Jack I completely sympathize with your situation because I'm in the same situation only in reverse I had an affair with a married man that I completely fell in love with and unfortunately for me he was not ready to leave his wife either but being the other woman I know the hurt and pain that the other woman also goes through and the bottom line is this you have to decide what means more to you either your wife and family and trying to make it work with them or this other woman whom you've been fantasizing and thinking about nonstop because you can't have it both ways , so you really need to sit down with yourself and examine all of the avenues figure out what would happen if you did decide to leave your wife I don't know how old your children are so I don't know what this would do to them if they're young enough it won't even matter to them but if they're older and they understand what's going on they'll be a little on the hurt side but they will recover and figure out what makes you happy in this world as I have come to discover myself there is a vast difference with trying to make a life work when you are trying to please everyone else except yourself in this world we only get one shot at happiness and regardless of what the consequences are when you find that happiness you have to grab it with both hands and to hell with the ****ing consequences so if you think for one moment that this woman would be what you want and would make you severely happy then you need to figure out what you need to do in order to make that real if your wife and children is what makes you happy then you need to make that real but you cannot have it both ways it's Impossible so you really need to sit down and have a soul-searching conversation with yourself and think long and hard about what is going to make you happy and then figure out the steps that you need to take in order to get you there but whatever you decide I wish you all the best and good luck to you


Wait a second here. I got a bit dizzy reading the wall with 0 punctuation. Did you just recommend he be a sociopath? How do you sleep at night?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The OP has left the building. He hasn't posted to this thread in two months.


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