# Confused



## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

My wife and i separated a month ago and it has gone from a trial separation to i never want to see you again without any confrontation or arguements about the separation.

We got married 8 months ago and moved to Australia with my business that her family were investing in. Her family pulled out causing horendous problems. We were both under huge stress and it didn't help that her family were having huge arguements with each other.

I kept out of it. I also had to leave my wife in Sydney for 4 weeks whilst i went to Melbourne to rebuild our life together and get money we needed to survive. My wife is a very very sensitive girl and as soon as i left she had a mental breakdown.

I was sent a text message that she wants a separation and have been occused of things that are just not rational and in most cases never been discussed before.

The areas i am at fault i have put my hand, apologised and they are things that can be easily fixed.

My wifes attitude at the moment is that is completely over and this past disaster was a sign to say we are not mean't to be.

I love my wife to bits and she is also hurting as she said she was emailing herself hoping that i would be OK

Help


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How old are you both?


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

I'm 47 and she is 38


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Is this her first marriage? 

Was she living at home with her parents before you married?


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

This is her first marriage and in the past had problems with short term relationships. We met 2 1/2 years ago prior to that she was living with her step mum. We have lived with each other for 2 years and all her family and friends told me that she has never been so happy. We had the fairy tale wedding in Fiji with 80 people for an entire week.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, I hate to conform to stereotypes, but my guess is that there is a reason she has never married.

I'm sorry, but IMO you are better off just walking away and finding someone with better mental health and healthier family boundaries.

I'm not trying to dis your wife, but she fits all the danger signs.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

Thanks, I thought you might say something like that.....and very well summed up.

It's still hard as love the girl so so much. I am going to let go and just try occasionally to let her know that i still care !!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What you CAN do is set healthy boundaries for yourself - what a healthy marriage looks like for YOU, and let her know that. Let her know that, at least for now (until you can move on), you would welcome her back, but explain what you would need from her. Maybe it's the kick she needs to strive to live up to your expectations.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

I spoke to Rachelle a week ago to try and resolve some of the issues she has:...They were

1 I was nasty to her but even the person living with us in Sydney said Geoff you were never nasty and you dont have a nasty bone in your body

2 She lost a friend from the business colapse....i'm truly sorry and have tried to repair this and it will in time

3 Rachelle didn't know wether she was coming or going as one day i had my wedding ring on and some days i found it clunky or just forgot after a shower. I am the last person to try and display a single guy and play around.

4 I belittled her....i am guilty of that being a virgo and rachelle being a cancer. The over sensitive with the analyist but doesn't mean i will not love her for it

You have to appreciate that we were only married 6 months and had a huge mess with the business with her family pulling out of investments once we had moved country and dipped both feet into the water.
She is trying to judge me over this stressed period of our life.

After separating i did go thru the desparate stage, begging, pleeding that we can get help, emailing her friends and family but after 4 weeks of this that will get me know where i have decided to have a NO CONTACT until she wants to contact me. Its been 8 days and i get a text to ask how our dog is that we had to give away due to besically going broke. I replied but to be perfectly honest a bit upset that she wants to know about the dog that we had for 9 months and doesn't want to ask anything about me ??

I do believe she is my soul mate but a huge amount of work needed.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like she's blaming all your problems on you. I'd be wary of that. Blameshifting is a key step in an affair. Not saying it is, but if it IS, you would need to handle things differently.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

I know that she is not having an affair.....she is just not like that which is easy to say but i know and her friends know. She is hurting but not sure how to get us back together


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I understand but it could be something as simple as making eye contact with someone, and then from there wondering what life would be like with that person.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

I can truely say i have NOT said a bad word and with this separation supported her 100% + i JUST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO TO GET HER BACK


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

No i know her better than that and she is not wanting someone else....i know this from friends


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, then, I guess it's probably along the lines of what she expected to get with you didn't pan out? IDK...maybe just ask her?


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

Good advice it's just to determine when .......Rachelle is at a stage when she wants to rebell but there are small signs that she does not want to let go. I think i'll give it a few weeks as they say the heart grows fonder with some distance


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

And its all about loving someone with un-conditional love....we all have faults and all have problems, We fall in love and sonetimes fall out of love but if the friendship is there and we click then it will last forever xx


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## f1r3f1y3 (Dec 8, 2009)

I would do what you are doing, no contact for a while, let her be the next one to contact. 

And you know, when she asked about the dog she may really have just been checking you were still "there".

I'm not sure about all the unconditional love stuff. What I do know is that it takes more than love to make it work.

You sound like a proper reasonable guy, I can't imagine anything that happened during whole family business siutation would push her to complete separation, my guess is that is not the cause.

All the best


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hate to disagree, but I do NOT believe that we should have unconditional love for our spouse. Marriage is hard work. It requires BOTH people to put in an effort to stay in love, and be loveable.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

She may just need some space to let the dust to settle. If we do get back i will need to appreciate her more and she'll need to get something to balance her head.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

Turnera

When you mentioned blameshifting you were 100% correct. Whilst i was in Melbourne trying to get our financial situation back on track.....she decided to take comfort with another guy.

DEVASTATING AND SO SO HURT


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sorry to hear that. If you want her back (and I would wonder why), your first step would be to stop the affair. Let us know if you want to do that.


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## GeoffH (Feb 1, 2010)

turnera said:


> Sorry to hear that. If you want her back (and I would wonder why), your first step would be to stop the affair. Let us know if you want to do that.


Yes but how on earth do i do that


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You sit down and write out the phone numbers/emails of her parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, best friends, pastor. You get all the contact numbers for OM. Then you sit down and contact ALL of them in one sitting. You tell them about the cheating, and you ask them for advice or help. 

The best way to stop an affair is to shine light on it. Once it is out in the open, they have to decide to keep it up and make choices, or stop.


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