# Need the mind of a lady



## stoomey74 (Sep 20, 2009)

Ok I have a question that puzzles me and I honestly don't understand the situation. 

My wife never wants sex. If I get her to have sex I have to make the first moves and it often feels like a chore. I have been very direct telling her how I feel and that we need help. No intimacy and the connection is fading. The times we do have sex it is almost boring and I am losing interest in her. I feel it is because of so much rejection, the boring sex and it just doesn't seem worth all of the effort.

I pull away at times and often I am not very affection it as she rarely is. We don't even kiss any more. All is see is danger signs.

Ok finally to the situationi don't understand. She is always asking if I love her and if I am happy to be with her. She has said before she is afraid I will leave.

If she is so afraid why does she do nothing to better the situation? Why does she ask if I lover her all the time when I get nothing,and when I say that I mean, her time, her attention and yes of course sex?

Any thoughts?


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## txfreespirit (Aug 21, 2013)

If you haven't already I would discuss your feeling with her. Try to find out why she isn't wanting to be intimate. Maybe she doesn't realize there is a problem. Tell her how you truly feel about the situation.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

As so often happens in TAM, asking for advice with sketchy information. How long has the relationship and marriage been going? Was there a time in the past when intimacy was more frequent and fulfilling or has it always been like this? If there has been a change,mare there events that might pinpoint that change? How is the relationship aside from sexual intimacy?

There are any number of reasons why one spouse doesn't engage in intimacy with the other. Why do You think she has no desire?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

stoomey74 said:


> Ok I have a question that puzzles me and I honestly don't understand the situation.
> 
> My wife never wants sex. If I get her to have sex I have to make the first moves and it often feels like a chore. I have been very direct telling her how I feel and that we need help. No intimacy and the connection is fading. The times we do have sex it is almost boring and I am losing interest in her. I feel it is because of so much rejection, the boring sex and it just doesn't seem worth all of the effort.


Perhaps she knows this, OP, and she finds that a turn off. For many women it is the open desire of their partner that ignites their own desire and makes them want to have sex. Whilst I don't have a problem initiating intimacy, the bedroom is one place where I need my partner to be the assertive, dominant one.

Sex therapy might be an option for you both?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

In most marriages, the bedroom is the magnifying glass of the relationship in general. it's impossible to say which has come first, the lack of affection, emotional distancing, mechanical and repetitive sexual encounters...

All relationships get stale. It takes one person to recognize this but it takes two partners to work at making thing new, outside the bedroom to inside the bedroom. As a man, you noticed the stale sex first.

Go to Marriage Builders ® - Successful Marriage Advice and print out two Emotional Needs questionnaire, one for you and one for her. This is a good way to open discussions about emotional distance, lack of affection... I think you might find that your recreational time together has also become repetitive.

Work on doing new things together. Take sex out of the bedroom as often as possible. Then gently tell her you would love for her to show her love and passion for you by initiating sexual encounters as regularly as you do. It's possible she doesn't know you want her to do this.Its also possible she isn't as sexually driven as you are, but can be enlightened to how important her enthusiasm is to your loving connection to her.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Please read the book "for men only". It will explain her behavior. At the same time recommend to her that she read "for women only" in which a mans mind is explained, especially how important sex is. It's a book based on surveys of thousands of men and women and well worth the read. It was very eye opening to me


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> In most marriages, the bedroom is the magnifying glass of the relationship in general. it's impossible to say which has come first, the lack of affection, emotional distancing, mechanical and repetitive sexual encounters...
> 
> All relationships get stale. It takes one person to recognize this but it takes two partners to work at making thing new, outside the bedroom to inside the bedroom. As a man, you noticed the stale sex first.
> 
> ...



:iagree: Very well said Pink, and great advice!


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## aaroncj (Nov 10, 2011)

Stoomey: Not a woman, but a husband who has experienced the very same situation with his wife. In our case she was involved in a long-distance emotional affair with a former boyfriend. She was distant sexually, even cold toward me at times, but would frequently ask me things, like "do you love me?" would act jealous of other women and even make mocking comments about me "having an affair." I now know that all that time she was merely reflecting what was going on in her mind. 

There could be many other explanations, as indicated by previous posts, so I don't want to suggest that you and your wife are going through the same situation as my wife and I. Yet, your description of your wife's behaviors certainly struck a chord with me. Did the situation change suddenly, or has it been slowly evolving over time? How long have you been together/married? Age/time of life could also be a factor. Even so, if there's any chance that someone else could be in the picture, you'd be wise to investigate--and I'd suggest going to the Coping with Infidelity forum for help in doing that.

Sorry you're dealing with this. I know it sucks.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

The best sex begins WAY before you get to the bedroom. 

It's about being NICE, Friendly, flirty, considerate, verbal, physical, and more....


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

She has a low sex drive and feels sex isn't important in a marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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