# will a 180 work on spouse doing a 180?



## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Just wondering, will a hard 180 work on a husband who seems to be doing that himself, even though he doesn't know what the plan is? He is emotionally distant, doesn't say I love you, doesn't plan dates, buy gifts, doesn't seem to care what I do, I could go out and screw someone right now and it doesn't seem like he would care, basically he is following the script of the plan to a T, but I know he hasn't been here. I am sure he is still in the fog, but does fighting fire with fire work? I am still gonna do it regardless to keep my sanity.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

The 180 is more meant for YOU i think.. you may start it to "win" him back.. but its to help you so if it gets to the point where the marriage doesn't work you KNOW you will be ok.

Sure start it to try and work things out.. but keep doing it for you. Even if he's doing the 180.. you keep sticking to yours. In the long run, if it doesn't help him see the light, it will help you cope with everything.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you are right, I was just kind of curious lol, I am doing it for me, I was just curious what other people thought. Now I need to go watch the royal wedding I forgot to get up haha.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

I know the feeling.. I will sit here and talk to my H til I'm blue in the face.. and he sits here like a brick freakin' wall. No emotion, no words.. nothing at all.

I know he has no clue about a 180 or what it is. It finally clicked to me that what hes doing, is what I need to do.


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## The 13th_Floor (Mar 7, 2011)

Lilyana,

My wife is the same way. I used to try and get through to her about what's going on in our relationship and it's like a huge brick wall falls between us, so I just quit trying. You can't have a useful conversation with someone in the fog. 

Paramore, the royal wedding, really? You are the biggest nerd ever.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

LOL i thought about calling her a nerd about the wedding too.. Blah! 

(i just noticed, the kids left for school an hour ago and I still have dora the explorer on my tv)


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

HAHAHAHA, I am a nerd, but Kate looks absolutely beautiful. I swear to god that I remember when Diana and Charles got married, watching it on tv. Dora is on my tv all of the time, it's weird watching actual adult tv. I play video games sometimes too hehe, not nearly as much as I used to though, was part of the problems, but is it just as bad that I am on here all of the time, hahaha.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

paramore said:


> Just wondering, will a hard 180 work on a husband who seems to be doing that himself, even though he doesn't know what the plan is? He is emotionally distant, doesn't say I love you, doesn't plan dates, buy gifts, doesn't seem to care what I do, I could go out and screw someone right now and it doesn't seem like he would care, basically he is following the script of the plan to a T, but I know he hasn't been here. I am sure he is still in the fog, but does fighting fire with fire work? I am still gonna do it regardless to keep my sanity.


Yes, it will work. It's actually the perfect solution for someone who is used to getting all of the attention and not giving. Once that attention is gone he'll start trying to get it back. At first it probably won't be in a nice way, but once you show him that his anger doesn't affect you, he'll try something else. If he starts coming around, do NOT drop the 180 completely, slowly build up to a healthy giving point.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

you know, part of the problem for the last couple years we weren't paying any attention to each other at all, up until the last day or two this whipped little puppy figured a hard 180 would just be me being the way I was, so I tried the modified, I can't do it, it leaves me too vulnerable. I can't just keep turning the other cheek, he wasn't used to all of the attention he has been getting the last several months, I tapered it off so as not to smother him. He isn't feeling anything at all, or so he says, he slips up and shows the anger and hurt from time to time. I was worried that it would just push him away further from removing myself and stop giving him all of my loving feelings. I can't let him keep rebuffing me, I know he is hurt too, I have to keep that in my mind, we did some pretty messed up stuff to each other, I have to remember that he has anger/resentment to me too. We are both guilty of drifting away from each other and not listening to each others cries for help, I have to remember that, but I have to remember that I have to do this so he stops hurting ME, I am not doing this for him, I have to stop hurting, stop letting his 180 or whatever it is control me, I can't be his little whipping girl anymore, even though I don't think it he means it to be that way, but on some subconscious level he could very well be doing it.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

paramore said:


> you know, part of the problem for the last couple years we weren't paying any attention to each other at all, up until the last day or two this whipped little puppy figured a hard 180 would just be me being the way I was, so I tried the modified, I can't do it, it leaves me too vulnerable. I can't just keep turning the other cheek, he wasn't used to all of the attention he has been getting the last several months, I tapered it off so as not to smother him. He isn't feeling anything at all, or so he says, he slips up and shows the anger and hurt from time to time. I was worried that it would just push him away further from removing myself and stop giving him all of my loving feelings. I can't let him keep rebuffing me, I know he is hurt too, I have to keep that in my mind, we did some pretty messed up stuff to each other, I have to remember that he has anger/resentment to me too. We are both guilty of drifting away from each other and not listening to each others cries for help, I have to remember that, *but I have to remember that I have to do this so he stops hurting ME, I am not doing this for him*, I have to stop hurting, stop letting his 180 or whatever it is control me, I can't be his little whipping girl anymore, even though I don't think it he means it to be that way, but on some subconscious level he could very well be doing it.


Bold.. exactly


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

All I can do is pray that it doesn't push him further away with him thinking that I am ignoring him the way I used to, but oh well it's in God's hands, I have to protect me and become the best me I can be, and that last phrase rhyming sounds silly lol.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

If he percieves it as that, then he should see his recent behavior as pushing you away as well. So what does he think he should get in response? a loving attentive wife? pffft 

Rhyming is good for the soul.. so let yourself go *snort*


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> HAHAHAHA, I am a nerd, but Kate looks absolutely beautiful. I swear to god that I remember when Diana and Charles got married, watching it on tv. Dora is on my tv all of the time, it's weird watching actual adult tv. I play video games sometimes too hehe, not nearly as much as I used to though, was part of the problems, but is it just as bad that I am on here all of the time, hahaha.


I never had a wedding. I was pregnant and we married at the courthouse. I did not have a dress, the flowers, the bridesmaids, the reception, none of that. We never had a honeymoon either. I only have one photo of us taken that day right before we were united by the judge.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Ill ride this forum, I hope you don't mind... I have another thread about my W and is seriously considering a 180... Nothing seems to work despite the numerous arguments about her taking me for granted and prioritizing her friends more than my feeling...

There is a thin line though between a 180 and taking fer for granted/getting back at her, right? How do you define the line?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Dunno, we separated again tonight because I found he was texting last EA. Besides taking care of myself I don't know what the next course of action would be to save my marriage when he just doesn't give a flying ****.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

paramore said:


> Dunno, we separated again tonight because I found he was texting last EA. Besides taking care of myself I don't know what the next course of action would be to save my marriage when he just doesn't give a flying ****.


I read your other thread from today. I pray that my H isn't doing the same thing. Stick to the 180 for you. Maintain your dignity. Rebuild your self respect! Every day I go to the extra effort to look good, I feel better. If I take a walk, I walk taller, and somebody notices, even if my H ignores me. Remember " know if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words can say or write."
You packed his stuff. Good work. Stop the ultimatums. Let him go, and let him think you don't give a sh**. Save the rules and regulations for when he's hit rock bottom and begs to come back. I keep a running list waiting for that moment, and as it grows longer and longer, I realize how much I have compromised. I had a girlfriend tell me today that one of the most attractive qualities about my H is that he is married to me. nice compliment, but makes me think . . . What does he bring to my table? 
Ask yourself that question, and start writing your list of what you REALLY want!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

What are the chances he's even going to notice or even hit rock bottom? He could just decide he likes living alone, and that really bites, I am aware that's quite a possibility. How do I act when he comes to get his things? I don't think he'll beg to come back, I don't think he will ever give up this girl. I am not doing anything out of desperation, I did that last time. I now get to live with the agony yet again of him txting and talking to her all day and all evening, instead of me.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

paramore said:


> What are the chances he's even going to notice or even hit rock bottom? He could just decide he likes living alone, and that really bites, I am aware that's quite a possibility. How do I act when he comes to get his things? I don't think he'll beg to come back, I don't think he will ever give up this girl. I am not doing anything out of desperation, I did that last time. I now get to live with the agony yet again of him txting and talking to her all day and all evening, instead of me.


I'm in the same boat. My H did say in MC today that he misses the kids, so I know he's at least noticing something has changed, that things aren't perfect now that we r separated. He gets them one night a week, so tonight Im camping on my friend's sofa while he is at our home. Breaks my heart. If he misses them so much, why is he living apart from us?? FYI, my friend I am staying with has been divorced for 3 years. She gave her H every possible chance to leave the OW and reconcile. Now her H is living with the OW, they are "engaged" but he calls his ex late at night regularly, and we just found his profile on Match.com! He traded reality for his fantasy, and now that the OW is his reality, he is fantasizing about what he once had with my friend, and looking for something new.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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