# Need Help and Advice



## ItalGuy (Jul 6, 2008)

Here is my situation....I've been married for over 19 years. My wife and I have a 18 year old son who is nearly out of the house. 

It's never been smooth throughout our marriage. I love sports and she doesn't. She loves doing craft stuff and I've always supported her in that. But sometimes, I ask her to work out with me and she won't. There are things that I love doing that she doesn't. 

Here it comes - About 3 years, I decided I wasn't happy in the marriage any more and asked for a divorce. I realize now I shouldn've just moved out instead of staying in the house.

During the time I asked for a divorce, there was no one, and I mean no other woman. I had made the decision on my own that I wasn't happy and wanted a divorce. I've gone to Marriage counseling in the past without her wanted to participate, even though I asked her to join me. 

She has always been a introvert throughout our marriage. I've always asked her to communicate with me, but sometimes she just won't. It's frustrating. She's done some pretty hurtful things to me in our marriage that she doesn't think that it was anything. 

But back to the other issue, about a week and a half after I asked for the divorce, I started seeing this other woman, which I realize was a big mistake. Of course my wife found out and that was all she wrote. 

We went Christian Counseling and tried this very unique type of counseling where for quite some time, when she felt like it, she just got to yell at me and ask me questions about the relationship to try find out all about it which I believe was part of a healing process. There was even some physical abuse mixed in there towards me, but I just took it. 

I went through this counseling for a couple of different reasons, but now realize, maybe for all the wrong reasons. Mainly my son who was 16 at the time and I wanted to stay in the relationship for him, and the other I really wanted to try and make it work again. During the counseling, it came out that one of her co-workers that she used to work with literally made advances towards while I was deployed for 6 months with the Navy. Saying that I was cheating on her, etc...which by the way, not once did I ever cheat on her during our marriage while on deployment. He would say things like that and then ask her to go to a hotel with him after work to sleep with him.

But during the counseling and still till this day she doesn't think it's a big deal and she didn't feel that she needed to talk to me about stating that she didn't want me to know because she thought I would make a big deal out of it. Geez...you think!

I was wrong 100% for having that relationship with that other woman, no matter what the circumstances, I realize it. That's also why I stuck around because I really wanted to try and make it work. Trust me, I suffered mental and physical abuse during this so called healing process. I told her that if I didn't really want to try and stay and make it work, that I wouldn't have gone through the process. I used to leave her notes around the house, take her for romantic picnics on the beach, etc...to try and show her how much I still loved her and what big mistake I had made.

Well, it's been about 3 years and things are settling in back the way they used to be. She seems very distant to me and doesn't say or do any of the things that she used to do, even after the affair, she would do. 

I'm afraid the marriage is over at this point. I think she doesn't think anything is wrong at all. I've tried to sit down with her and discuss this with her about how I felt that we were becoming distant and that she is constantly on me about things.

There's another issue, during today's economy, I've asked her to work to help support the family, and she's resented me about it ever since! Even going back some in our marriage, she's always resented me for asking her to work even when she knew we needed the money which led to our Bankruptcy about 12 years ago. We've since recovered from that, but she still resents me because I asked her to work to help support the family. I've told her that if we didn't need her to work, she wouldn't be, but that doesn't seem to make a difference.

Another thing that hurt me is that we've been having trouble with our teenage son. I'm a diciplinarian. I've always tried to raise my son the right way - make sure he does his homework (he barely graduated), make sure he doesn't hang out with the wrong friends, etc...Well, just recently for sympathy, my son told his co-workers a lie about me that I was beating him and my wife for which I've never laid a hand on him or my wife during our 19 year marriage. My wife didn't think it was a big deal, but it was to me and that hurt me deeply. We also disagree about the way we should be raising our son. He's lied to her multiple times, but she still is willing to take his word on things, and he goes ahead and keeps taking advantage of her. He knows he can't get away with telling me lies because I'm very skeptical about the stories he tells, but he still does it to my wife because he knows he can get away with it. 

My question and that's why I'm asking for your advice...

How do I break the news to her? She will probably end up hating my guts for the rest of our lives, but I've determined I can't live this lie that I've been living. I would like to end this marriage on a semi-friendly note, but afraid she will try and sandbag me call my work about my affair even after 3 years, etc...I've even kinda scared as well.

I have no problem with paying her money or giving her what she wants of our things, but afraid this won't end peacefully. I'm sorry for the long post, but wanted to put all the details out there. Thank you for your time. Sincerely, ...


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I'm afraid the marriage is over at this point. I think she doesn't think anything is wrong at all. I've tried to sit down with her and discuss this with her about how I felt that we were becoming distant and that she is constantly on me about things.
> 
> There's another issue, during today's economy, I've asked her to work to help support the family, and she's resented me about it ever since! Even going back some in our marriage, she's always resented me for asking her to work even when she knew we needed the money which led to our Bankruptcy about 12 years ago. We've since recovered from that, but she still resents me because I asked her to work to help support the family. I've told her that if we didn't need her to work, she wouldn't be, but that doesn't seem to make a difference.


Could have written this myself, particularly the 'she doesn't think anything is wrong.' part.
Her perception was that if there were problems, they were _my_ problems.

We are trying to mend fences, but my reality as well, is that I am prepared to leave.

I cannot claim objectivity given the similarity of the circumstances. I told her that I refused to stay if it simply meant that we grow to despise one another. I didn't want to have a discussion about it. I had been trying to discuss it for years. I was done. I started living my life and making all of my decisions independent of her. I do not need my wife. I cannot yet say that I do not _want_ my wife.

Make arrangements for where you will be staying ahead of time - whether short, or long term. Don't discuss it with her. Just do it. _You_ decide when and how you interact with her - and if she resorts to threats, you can calmly point out that they won't work, and only clarify that you have made the right decision.

Basically, I'm telling you, what I have already told myself. 

I wish you well.


----------



## Triton (Jul 8, 2008)

I can't really think of anyone coming out of an affair that things got better. For me, if I had an affair ,and got caught it would be over. First, if I did all that prior- heck I would not want to be in the situation (cheating) in the first place. Also, if I chose to do that I will be ready to - Walk ! Let it go-life is too short.


----------



## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your story is a bit hard to follow but based on my perception you’ve given up on recovering and she refuses to admit there is a problem. If she refuses to work towards the marriage it is unlikely it will recover. I don’t understand your concern about her co worker years ago. She didn’t take him up on it and I can understand that she wouldn’t want to bring it up if nothing happened. Also what the worry at your place of employment if she tells them about the affair? That she doesn’t see the deceit in your son also shows she is unwilling to take action. If your are truly ready to leave the marriage you need to line up your legal matters and tell her it is time for you to move on. Be as straight forward as you can and keep the process as unemotional as you can. She may not be able to do that so you’ll have to be the strong one. Good luck


----------

