# R is holding fast - 4 months after DDay2



## MAJDEATH

It has been 4 months and about 15 counseling sessions since DDay 2. Here is a summary of where we are:

1 We categorized what happened as not so much "Affairs" in the traditional since, but more "relationships" in a virtually divorced situation. It's complicated, but really we had both decided to move on with our lives, going in different directions. We were not living together so a little different than most situations on TAM.

2 If you are truly "Virtually Divorced", do you need to/required to tell your ex details about your future relationships, whether they were acceptable/legitimate/etc? For those who are reading this for the first time, short summary of her:
Her first relationship (EA) was with a single guy over a long period of time, and had the divorce went thru they would have gotten engaged/married. Her second relationship was with a married guy, who she had no serious intention of a LTR, but evolved into different phases of caring about each other, while feeding a sex addiction for both over a 2 yr period. OM3 was married and it was 100% physical (booty calls) for a few months, OM4 was an out of town ONS. 
For me: long term EA with married lady, possible LTR potential until I found out she lied about H. I also had a ONS.

3 I learned thru counseling to ask the more general investigative questions instead of the factual detail questions, and usually the details will spill out. One question was "Who did you get to be in this relationship", because unlike relationships with long-term spouses, there really are no rules and you can be whoever you want and seek out whatever kind of person you want to be with. And the answer to that question generally demonstrates what may be lacking in your marriage, whether it's attention, appreciation, no abandonment, sexual freedom/release, etc.

4 Counselor indicated that most adults in western culture will got thru 2-3 primary relationships, some because of divorce. But a great number will deal with some form of adversity (whether it's infidelity, death of a loved on, etc) and can use this to improve their existing marriage and move into Phase 2 or Phase 3. And she demonstrated how this can be a great boost to a marriage. I fell that is where we are now. 

5 My W and I had a discussion last weekend at the table during breakfast about one part of OM3's sexual performance, because it directly related to something we were talking about at the time. I had to pause and note to her "Did you ever think years ago that we could calmly sit at the table and talk about a funny incident that occurred with a sex partner of yours, and not get anxious, or mad, or be afraid to talk about it". We are both amazed.

6 I forgot to mention that I made contact with some of the relationship partners or their spouses, and I think that helped me to both verify what my wife had stated and to understand the dynamic from the other persons viewpoint. Counselor didn't recommend this but in the end thought it was beneficial. She couldn't believe how much info the former partners were willing to share, some of it very personal.


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## MAJDEATH

boltam said:


> I skimmed some of your back posts, you stated that your wife had at least 6 affairs, one of which lasted 3 years.
> 
> You were living apart during all those affairs including the one that lasted 3 years?


Partially correct, the 6 was the total for both of us, her = 4 and me = 2. We were living apart during most of that time. We tried some reconciliations during the short periods we were together but it did not work out until many years later.


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## MAJDEATH

We are definitely in "Phase 2" of our marriage, and have learned many things about ourselves and each other. Overcoming infidelity and/or separation proves that you can come out better on the other side!


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## the guy

Having been "virtually divorced" my self it's been my experience that you really don't give a shyt what the other spouse is doing.... it don't matter if the both of you are living under the same roof or not. In my case we lived under the same roof for 13 years.


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## the guy

You did get me thinking about contacting all those OM's...and I have a feeling most would say....."who?"!

I'm guessing here but from the info I got from my old lady there are about 3 OM's that would say...."she broke my heart"...but then again they just might tell me "you got a freak on your hands" and laugh.

At the end of the day I just don't need some POSOM calling my old lady and telling her and asking her if I'm still slapping her around.

As far as going and contacting all these phuckers....well there all strangers to me...except for one OM. If I ever run into the so called friend it's not going to end well. That's the thing...don't really want to go looking for him ...knowing it's going to be a bad thing all the way around.

Anyway...like you.... me and the old lady are hanging in there.

I know I can control my behavior and never strike her again...but as far as her phucking around...that's another thing that won't end well. I have made that pretty clear.


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## MAJDEATH

There is one OM who I will never try to contact, solely because I don't think I would be able to control myself with him, even after 11 yrs. The closest I felt comfortable with was speaking with his wife about the dynamic of the 3 yr relationship. She was both apologetic and helpful. The remaining OM I spoke with directly.


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## Dude007

This thread is beyond interesting...DUDE


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## header

MAJDEATH said:


> do you need to/required to tell your ex details about your future relationships


How can you tell someone about something that has not yet happened?


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## MAJDEATH

header said:


> How can you tell someone about something that has not yet happened?


...tell you ex details about post-marriage relationships


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## MAJDEATH

the guy said:


> You did get me thinking about contacting all those OM's...and I have a feeling most would say....."who?"!
> 
> I'm guessing here but from the info I got from my old lady there are about 3 OM's that would say...."she broke my heart"...but then again they just might tell me "you got a freak on your hands" and laugh.
> 
> At the end of the day I just don't need some POSOM calling my old lady and telling her and asking her if I'm still slapping her around.
> 
> As far as going and contacting all these phuckers....well there all strangers to me...except for one OM. If I ever run into the so called friend it's not going to end well. That's the thing...don't really want to go looking for him ...knowing it's going to be a bad thing all the way around.
> 
> Anyway...like you.... me and the old lady are hanging in there.
> 
> I know I can control my behavior and never strike her again...but as far as her phucking around...that's another thing that won't end well. I have made that pretty clear.


Hang in there man. It just might be worth it in the long run.


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## MAJDEATH

Alive and well, 6 months after Dday 2. IC sessions have evolved into addressing other life concerns, like work and parenting. We still occasionally talk about infidelity, but less frequently. Wife's BF feels better knowing she does not have to try and remember which lies about APs to keep anymore. All info is out there now.

Lately my W and I have been hit with providing advice and counseling to family members and friends dealing with marriage issues. It really puts it into perspective when you can use real world examples from your own marriage to try to help others. In their cases, the issues are related to money and medical issues, but there may be more as we get into it.


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## TAMAT

MAJDEATH,

You wrote, *Wife's BF feels better knowing she does not have to try and remember which lies about APs to keep anymore. *

Why is someone who supported your W's affair still in your lives?

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH

I had a long discussion with W's BF, before allowing her back into our lives. During the dark years, I would say the BF more accepted the As, rather than encouraged. The later part of the dark years saw the 2 splitting completely, they didn't talk for several years. 
I told BF point blank, if anything even remotely close to what happened before starts to happen again, I will punch her as hard as I can, right in the face, before extracting her from our lives. This was said right in front of her husband, and he agreed. He knows she was one of the toxic friends that gave acceptance, instead of guidance when infidelity opportunities had arisen.


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## lucy999

MAJDEATH said:


> I told BF point blank, if anything even remotely close to what happened before starts to happen again, I will punch her as hard as I can, right in the face, before extracting her from our lives. This was said right in front of her husband, and he agreed. He knows she was one of the toxic friends that gave acceptance, instead of guidance when infidelity opportunities had arisen.


Wow. Are you serious??!!! And her husband just sat there and agreed??! Y'all are a fine bunch. SMFH.


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## the guy

MAJDEATH said:


> I will punch her as hard as I can, right in the face,


Sorry for the thread jack.:grin2:

But....

I'm all for female GI's to go into combat.

Where do you stand?


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## MAJDEATH

They didn't know each other back then, the BF got married in 08.


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## MAJDEATH

Yes to females in combat (they already have been), and register for the draft.


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## bandit.45

I think you are deluding yourself. This marriage is dying on the vine and you won't admit it.


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## TAMAT

MAJDEATH,

Did this discussion with the "friend" occur after your second D day, and if it occurred after the second D day then the friend knew the truth about your W's affairs for years and years without saying a word to you. I know she is no worse than your W in that regard, but I would have a difficult time being around someone who allowed me to live a lie for that long.

Tamat


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## MAJDEATH

There were many others who also knew the lie, it's just that we moved far away after R and we didn't move back to "the scene of the crime" until just last year. I'm sure that was the reason she came clean. The best friend remarried 2 yrs after we R.


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## header

MAJDEATH said:


> I had a long discussion with W's BF, before allowing her back into our lives. During the dark years, I would say the BF more accepted the As, rather than encouraged. The later part of the dark years saw the 2 splitting completely, they didn't talk for several years.
> I told BF point blank, if anything even remotely close to what happened before starts to happen again, I will punch her as hard as I can, right in the face


So if your wife comes close to having an affair or actually has an affair you will punch her best friend in the face as hard as you can.

What's that going to solve?

Also are you going to punch your wife in the face too?

If you aren't planning on punching your wife in the face as hard as you can if she has an affair, tnen why not? Doesn't seem fair that her best friend will be punched in the face and your wife wouldn't be punched in the face especially considering that her best friend isn't even to blame for your wife's numerous affairs.


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## MAJDEATH

header said:


> So if your wife comes close to having an affair or actually has an affair you will punch her best friend in the face as hard as you can.
> 
> What's that going to solve?
> 
> Also are you going to punch your wife in the face too?
> 
> If you aren't planning on punching your wife in the face as hard as you can if she has an affair, tnen why not? Doesn't seem fair that her best friend will be punched in the face and your wife wouldn't be punched in the face especially considering that her best friend isn't even to blame for your wife's numerous affairs.


Th W will suffer much more than a bloody nose.


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## MAJDEATH

Had a good discussion last night about how the relationship ended with the last OM. She really opened up and provided some clarity, in a way I could understand 
We were living 1000 miles apart. I had filed for D. Co-worker OM would drop by for the occasional romp whenever he felt like it. She followed him one night and observed him pursuing a new romantic interest (also a co-worker) and figured out what he was doing and where she fell in the pecking order (3rd). She told him to stay away but he wouldn't. So eventually she had to inform his W to get him to stop the unannounced visits. A week later she was called into the office by management and was accused of stalking him (untrue) and was ultimately forced out of her job. She had no further contact with him until a month later he called from a private number, angry that he himself had been fired for sexual harassment of the other girl, and he blamed my W. They have never spoken since or have seen each other.
So the real reason for the end of this relationship finally is revealed: Jealousy and feeling used when she was preparing to continue her life as a divorced woman, find someone new, and settle down. And this OM would have gotten in the way of that plan.
Later she would have a spiritual awakening and decide it was better to stand for her marriage and make sweeping changes in herself, but that is another thread.


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## MAJDEATH

I believe toxic friends are in the top 3 categories of contributing to As.


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## header

MAJDEATH said:


> I believe toxic friends are in the top 3 categories of contributing to As.


I'm having difficulty wrapping my head around the intending meaning of this statement.


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## MAJDEATH

1 is the WS, 2 is the AP, and 3 is the toxic friend (or friends).


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## header

What are the categories?


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## MAJDEATH

header said:


> What are the categories?


Besides the 3 mentioned: abandonment, substance abuse, hitting age gates 30/35/40, coworkers, health issues, kids leaving the household, etc. But infidelity can happen anytime, anywhere, to anyone.


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