# when punishment ideas are different?



## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

ok we got girls and for years he worked and i stayed home and did the good and the bad i never said you wait till dad comes home (he noted b4 kids he hated that his mom did that) :smthumbup: got that.

now there teens... mmmm and they are good kids and some times do not so smart things... like 

last night the 17 year old went to a bf house he to is 17 driving on a jr permit so have to be in by 11 so i say she needs to be home by 10 of (to give wiggle room)... i go to bed at 10 (get up early am) ok .... he gets me up at a little past 11 and ask why she is not home???? 

i go look yep her room dark and she is not with any other the others in there rooms and not with them...??? i call her cell i text her cell nothing... i look his number not on the board (that to a rule) and i know about where he lives but it is late... what do i do... 

well i figure (her older sister did this with a gf just hanging out) she fell asleep watching a movie or what ever... tell my self not to worry but i do... i get him up @ 12 she is still not home.. he says she ok rolls over and falls asleep.. grrrr??? so when she did come home at 1 she said she did fall asleep and her phone was not on.. and what ever so i said 2 wks no driving but work home and thats it (my car) and no body in and she is not going out those open days... 

she went to dad.. he is making her clean bathroom and sisters room (all 4 of them) and her own room and then done...??

if i did that i would of been to easy... i am sure.. i think her sisters should clean there own rooms... and she should have a harsher limit..? am i wrong?


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

OK - the issue I see here is not the punishment each of you chose. It is the fact that she was able to play you against each other and get him to contradict your punishment.

So my questions:

1) did he know that you had already handed out a punishment? If so - your daughter is the one that should be in the doghouse for playing parents against each other and should have another consequence for that action. Potentially - because she did that she now has to do both punishments.

2) If he did know that you had handed out the punishment then he is in the dog house. Inconsistent parenting and under mining each other is the best way to get a teen that is out of control.

3)Potential easiest solution for in the future (for big things like this) - Tell her there will be a punishment, you are going to discuss it with your Husband (or vice versa if he catches her) and agree on the punishment TOGETHER. That way you can both discuss if you think something is to harsh or to light and be in agreement -a united front - when talking to the kids.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

yes they all do that.. 

1) yes he knew i gave her punishment i told him in the am 1st thing when we got up, and he said i quote "you are always to nice on them" : explaining from the kit go i said no major hitting like with belts and stuff i don't believe in it and i lived it growing up, now with that said hands and butt when they were really little and with the hand have been used each child different.

I do like the 2 punishment idea but i know he will not lay down the law and since i know work more than him and go out of town for work he will not enforce it.

2) i tried to tell him that we already have a almost 19year old prego and working with her but i don't think he sees that: i have heard him say his dad was over mean and his mom no so much but not easy and he wants to be the "nice" one. 

3) i would love to have a marriage we could do that reallyyyyy i would. 

here is a typical talk... my oldest 17 at the time, wanted to go on a trip with friends to the ocean not to far but i was not ok with because of a friend that was going i know did drugs (everyone knows) and she was the one that would be driving... ok at the table with her we talked got information on then i went to the bathroom and he went in the bedroom (break to think over type of thing she upstairs) i went int he bedroom and before i opened my mouth he Said NO way she is not going she is not aloud, i said ok = 
i called her down he was at the sink i said "We don't think it is a good idea at this time and if a parent or another person would driving or something changes come back and talk to us we will stay open minded but as it is now NO. she looked at dad.. and he said "you know your mom.... and what can i do...??? type of thing in the end some how she went anyway with his ok....???


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sometimes you just have to accept that you will be the bad guy while the kids are growing up. I didn't have a problem with that as long as D19 was safe. It's not my job to be her friend (though we are best friends); it's my job to teach her to weigh pros and cons and make logical decisions.

Every decision I made, I explained the reasoning. I told her I was doing that so that she could understand WHY I made the decisions, because I trusted her to follow in my footsteps and make similar smart decisions. I've raised her that way her whole life.

Her dad asked her last year why she was never getting in trouble like most of her friends, getting grounded, etc. She just shrugged and said 'why would I choose to do things that will get me in trouble?'

It's the conversation and the logic that gets you through such things, as long as you haven't already ruined the relationship.

If my H went back behind my back and said my D could go on that trip, I would have put my foot down and said no. I would have taken off work or whatever I had to, to ensure she didn't go. And I would have told my D that I don't care what she said to her dad to get him to change his mind - her safety is our ONLY concern at that point, and nothing else trumps that. She can hate me if she wants, but she'll be doing it from home.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

turnera, thank you i had those thoughts but always wanted to be a team... with hubby but since our oldest was so good we never had to much to not agree on. next 5 watch out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Don't forget to tell your H, ahead of time, that you WILL be stopping the girls from going around your decisions if he comes behind you and gives in. It doesn't have to be an argument, just common sense. They NEED the stability of not being able the wheedle things out of their parents.

Oh, and don't forget to explain your decisions to your girls when you say no to something. They need to understand the reasoning. And they need to be able to come back with THEIR reasoning, if they know something you don't. And it teaches them to work to achieve what they want. Totalitarianism is not a great way to raise kids.

Sounds like you're on the right path.

btw, something to remember is that many adults, even though they're adults, will do things just to get praise or affection or love - even from their kids. My H was like that. He wanted D19 to like him so much that he spoiled her; now I'm trying to undo that. He'd say things like "Do you want to eat this chicken?" and of course she'd say no, and he'd say "Well, what DO you want?" Grrrr! So then I would stop it and say "I'm sorry, but this is what we are having for dinner. If you don't like it, you can skip it and have breakfast in the morning." See how that works? You don't ASK kids if they want to do something; you just tell them. (note, this is not talking about the parties and stuff, just the everyday actions - they don't have a choice in doing the things they have to do, like eat and chores and homework)


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