# Wife suddenly wants to separate, I don't



## dontwantthis

We've been together for 8 years, married for 6. No kids. We've been trying for a baby for about a month, then her gyno suggested no sex in December so we could enjoy our time with family. Everything was going great(as far as I could tell) but the night we were to fly home for the holidays she starts acting really distant and seemed sad. I kept asking her what was wrong and she keep saying she was fine. We got home and after two days of this same behavior i finally confront her to tell me what is going on. She starts crying and says that she still loves me, but that "spark" just isn't there(our sex life had been virtually non-existent for a long time)and that she loves me but she isn't sure if she is still in love with me. I would try to initiate pretty regularly but it was obvious she wasn't into it the few times she agreed. She also tells me she's been having these feelings off and on for 3years, but she never spoke with me about it until now now. I was initially worried about an affair as she has started a new job recently and has been hanging out with work friends more often, some guys, some girls. Then I saw her web history where she googled "can a married woman be friends with a single man" and she also googled the name of one of the new male friends name that works with her. I asked her if she was having or planning an affair, and she was adamant that that was not the case. We talked some more and she wants to temporarily separate in the hopes that our being apart for a while will help her "sort her issues out". I know I’m far from perfect but I feel like I have been a good husband to her. We usually enjoy each others company, don't fight much, and I do most of the household duties. 
So this all came as a sudden shock to me, and I really want our marriage to work. I want to go to counseling before separating, but she wants to separate first. The last thing she said tonight was that she believes she can fix her issues and we can still be together. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
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## PBear

To a lot of people, if it's not physical, it doesn't count as an affair. But an emotional affair can be just as damaging to a marriage as a purely physical one. Might be something to continue checking into. It will likely be much more difficult to check if she moves out, though.

C
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## EleGirl

I would think that she is having at least an emotional affair.

In this separation... is she moving out. Or is she expecting you to move out?


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## dontwantthis

We're renting right now since we moved cross-country a few years ago at her request, so we would both have to move since neither of us can afford our current place alone. I've offered to sleep in another bedroom and make myself as scarce as possible while we are in therapy, but I think she is convinced that a complete separation is our only chance, but something inside tells me that once we separate, it's over and that scares me.

As far as this new work friend goes I'm not sure what to do. I've never been the jealous type and hate the idea of snooping on her, but I feel like I have the right to know, especially since she was totally against seeing other people if we separate. I'm OK with not dating if we separate, but if she's seeing this other guy that changes everything. I'm just so confused, thanks for the advice.


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## accept

You mention the baby. Not sure why no sex in Dec. Sounds very strange. Are you sure this part has nothing to do with it. Who is it exactly who wants a baby.


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## dontwantthis

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## tacoma

Once you separate it is over.

She's in an affair.

Do not seperate, find the hard evidence of her affair, it's there you just have to find it.
Once you find the evidence go to a lawyer, draw up divorce papers.

Go home sit her down lay the evidence of the affair out, drop the divorce papers onthe table.

Tell her she can end the affair and fix your marriage or she can sign the papers and pack her ****.
Tell her she decides right then and there, any stalling or asking for time will be considered as a wish to divorce.
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## dontwantthis

She was the one who originally wanted the baby, but I was completely onboard. She explained that she was hoping a baby would rekindle her desire for me which I know makes no sense.
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## accept

It does make a bit of sense. And why the no sex Dec. 
Maybe she is not really sure youre on board.


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## This is me

Did you hear the no sex directly from the Gyne? If not it is hard to believe it is true. The googling question and name of the coworker is without a doubt an interest in another guy. 

I had this same thing happen to me. Even down to the her feelings have been on and off for years. For some reason these types of women (girls) are not mature enough to talk directly to the spouse/ husband/ partner about what they are really feeling and then start talking with others, including single males. Guys know oh so well that these other guys see this as an opportunity and support the path to maritial breakdown in the hopes of scoring. These immature girls (not women) love the attention and will trash their commitment all for their ego and desire to feel better about themselves. They are truly fooling themselves.

The EA can be worse than a PA from what I have read. 

I like you have put these girls (not women) on pedastals and treated them like princesses. They in return have looked down on us and treated us like disposable servants. 

Look to Man-up threads, 180 and find a better future for yourself with a loving woman, not a girl.

All of this in my own humble opinion.


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## Shaggy

How's this senario:

she's feeling emotionally attracted the new guy. She's feeling it more and more, and she's shifting away from you.

She's in a EA with this guy.


she decides to try to have a baby with you as a way to build a family with you and maybe take away some of her problem since she thinks the baby and family will create and anchor to keep her true.

baby didn't work out, she didn't have sex with you for a while, and now she's going back to work and the guy she's crushing on.

The sep is her way of setting up what in her mind is a free ticket to explore the relationship with the OM and have you waiting in the wings if it doesn't work.

She now plans on taking the EA to PA

My advice - call her out on it completely. If she has 1 date with this guy, it isn't sep, it's divorce.


I know you don't want to push her away and loose her - but begging pursuing, even competing with the OM will ALL fail and drive her to him.

Instead you need to show her that her EA isn't acceptable and needs to end. You're not going to be pushed around or treated as a second choice


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## dontwantthis

Thanks for the advice, it's really helpful. I just confronted her since I saw she called this guy yesterday. She swears up and down that they are just friends, but I told her if she wants to work on it she can't have anymore contact with this guy. She got really quiet and just said "ok". I think my suspicions were just 
confirmed, now I just need to figure out where to go from here.
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## tacoma

"ok"? Just.. "ok?

You need to keep an eye on her communication capabilities.

That was too easy.
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## EleGirl

If the two of you can only afford the one place you are living in, how does she think she will pay for the place she wants to move to?


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## dontwantthis

I suspect she'll ask her dad for money, which it looks like is going to happen since I saw she has sent several inquiries about 1 bedroom apartments, after telling me she wasn't going to move until we went to counseling. I guess that wasn't true either. God, I feel like a rug was just pulled out from underneath me and I don't know if I should start looking for places too...
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## warlock07

This is following the cheaters script to the tee. The separation will result in her having a PA with the OM(If it hasn't already). Is the guy from her work place?


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## dontwantthis

Yes, he is a co-worker at a new teaching job she started in August .

She sent me an email tonight(she's still back home with her family for the holidays), I'll summarize:

"I feel so horrible for doing this to you, but after feeling this way off and on for years I feel better having told you. I should have told you early but I have trouble communicating my feelings."

She then goes on to say that she just needs time and space at least 5 different times, and that she can't play the happy couple anymore.

I really want to make it work but it's looking like she isn't giving me a choice. I'm pretty sure that if we separate it is over for good, and that she has every intention of pursuing both an emotional and physical relationship with this guy.

Should I just cut and run at this point or attempt counseling?


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## Shaggy

Counseling ONLY works when both parties wants to use it to make their marriage work..

she doesn't. She is excited and looking forward to pursuing her new relationship with OM.

The best way to deal with this is to refuse to let her set up the conditions to let her have the affair guilt free. That's what she's doing now.

Tell her this time apart means divorce since it clearly means her being free to date and have relationships. You are interested in making the marriage work, but you are not interested in making an OPEN marriage work.

So if she is determined to go that route, you'll cut the pain and suffering short and just file for the divorce.

Right now she is pursuing the separation because she believes it is a viable path to her getting to play and keep you around as plan B. Until you stand up and draw the line, saying it you will simply divorce her, then it remains on the table as the option she is going to go with.

btw - if she is so strongly pushing this now, it is already likely beyond a friendship at work.


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## VTEnviro

Dontwantthis - I am in nearly the same boat right now as you. Hang in there.

My wife hit me with the separation card the other day, saying she just needs some space and privacy to clear her head.

Basically she hasn't been happy in a while, I'm not supportive enough, and she isn't sure I'm the man she wants to spend her life with.

There's no other guy, but she's off looking at month-to-month apartments today. Part of me thinks if she leaves that's that, but I'd rather see if the separation helps and if not to cut bait sooner rather than later. We don't own a home or have kids, it would be relatively pain free.


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## aug

Shaggy said:


> Counseling ONLY works when both parties wants to use it to make their marriage work..
> 
> she doesn't. She is excited and looking forward to pursuing her new relationship with OM.
> 
> The best way to deal with this is to refuse to let her set up the conditions to let her have the affair guilt free. That's what she's doing now.
> 
> Tell her this time apart means divorce since it clearly means her being free to date and have relationships. You are interested in making the marriage work, but you are not interested in making an OPEN marriage work.
> 
> So if she is determined to go that route, you'll cut the pain and suffering short and just file for the divorce.
> 
> Right now she is pursuing the separation because she believes it is a viable path to her getting to play and keep you around as plan B. Until you stand up and draw the line, saying it you will simply divorce her, then it remains on the table as the option she is going to go with.
> 
> btw - if she is so strongly pushing this now, it is already likely beyond a friendship at work.



I agree with Shaggy.

She's keeping you around in case her lover does not work out. 

She's not ready to completely divorce you yet, but she really wants the sex/affair/relationship with someone else.

It all depends whether you want to share your wife or be the second place person. Whatever it is you decide, your marriage is no longer the same and can never be the same again.


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## Entropy3000

tacoma said:


> *Once you separate it is over.
> 
> She's in an affair.
> 
> Do not seperate, find the hard evidence of her affair, it's there you just have to find it.
> Once you find the evidence go to a lawyer, draw up divorce papers.*
> 
> Go home sit her down lay the evidence of the affair out, drop the divorce papers onthe table.
> 
> Tell her she can end the affair and fix your marriage or she can sign the papers and pack her ****.
> Tell her she decides right then and there, any stalling or asking for time will be considered as a wish to divorce.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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