# Is my Husband just filling a void? OW still present but he doesnt know I know.



## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

I have known my husband since we were kids. We got married a few years ago and I became pregnant, which came as abit of a shock to both of us as neither of us were ready, however we were both pleased.
Towards the end of my pregnancy my husband went on a work night out and came home - he left his phone in the hall way and I heard it ping. Rather than just leave it, I went to get it and there were messages from 'Simon' - I wondered why is Simon messaging at 2am? I have also never heard of Simon.
For the first time ever I checked his phone and my world fell apart. Deeply emotional messages, words he has never used with me.
I freaked out, I went and woke him up, how could he do this, I was having his baby! If I am totally honest, we have never been this amazingly happy couple but I thought we were ok..
I threw his phone across the room (not towards him) - I said I would leave, I then went and stayed the night at my Moms.

Next day we spoke, there were alot of tears, he said he doesnt want to be a failure and how he wants to make things work with me.

We had our beautiful son and he has brought us so much happiness. Our marriage however, isnt good. I do the whole keep up with Jones. 

We recently moved house (only a street away from before) so things have been very full on at home. I needed to get a number from my husbands phone that I knew he had in a whatsapp conversation.

So I looked. And there she was. No messages, but still hidden under 'Simon'. I know it is her because it may say Simon, but unless Simon is a woman, its the same profile photo as before.

I haven't said anything yet.

I have had alook on forums all morning the number should NOT be there.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

You are right that her number should not be there. The assumption that he might be deleting messages has to be considered. Quite often, unfaithful spouses get more clever about hiding their activities.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> You are right that her number should not be there. The assumption that he might be deleting messages has to be considered. Quite often, unfaithful spouses get more clever about hiding their activities.


I have written in my notes section what reason he has to have it and the only thing I have come up with is maybe being he was worried about hurting her feelings (pathetic) but even IF that were the case, you'd block her anyway right her feelings shouldnt even come into this........
yes he could be deleting msgs. in a way i hope he is (i know that sounds mad) but i would rather he hasnt just kept it for no reason at all like what is the point in that? which makes me think there IS A REASON it has been kept


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

throwaway6720 said:


> I have written in my notes section what reason he has to have it and the only thing I have come up with is maybe being he was worried about hurting her feelings (pathetic) but even IF that were the case, you'd block her anyway right her feelings shouldnt even come into this........
> yes he could be deleting msgs. in a way i hope he is (i know that sounds mad) but i would rather he hasnt just kept it for no reason at all like what is the point in that? which makes me think there IS A REASON it has been kept


It could be that he he just can't be bothered to delete it.

However, to build his trust with you, he should be deleting it.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> It could be that he he just can't be bothered to delete it.
> 
> However, to build his trust with you, he should be deleting it.


I did think this too, but this is the same woman I caught him with before


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If he’s telling her things he’s never told you, that’s not good. Not wanting to be a failure doesn’t seem very remorseful, it seems like he’s worried about appearance and himself.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

If he works with her I’d assume things are still going on . Otherwise why hide the contact.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If he’s telling her things he’s never told you, that’s not good. Not wanting to be a failure doesn’t seem very remorseful, it seems like he’s worried about appearance and himself.


Yes, even the words he was using with her, he has never used words with me like that, deeply emotional, thats a dise to him I have never, ever seen. Do you think he has 'forgotten' to delete it? or do you think he is keeping her as a back up?


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> If he works with her I’d assume things are still going on . Otherwise why hide the contact.


He doesn't work with her


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

How does he know her?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Just ask him why her number is still there. If he becomes extremely defensive, accusing you of snooping etc…therein lies your answer, and it could be that he’s still in contact with her.

Have either of you ever dated outside of each other, before you dated?


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> How does he know her?


At a sports event


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Just ask him why her number is still there. If he becomes extremely defensive, accusing you of snooping etc…therein lies your answer, and that would be that he’s still in contact with her.
> 
> Have either of you ever dated outside of each other, before you dated?


No, just eachother.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

throwaway6720 said:


> No, just eachother.


sorry pressed send to quick! If he isnt speaking to her, don't you think him having the number means he wants to at some point though?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

No one could know why her number is still listed in there, but just asking him will help you see if it was just an oversight or not (by his reaction).

Unfortunately in many cases when someone “catches” their spouse having an emotional and/or physical affair, the caught spouse tends to panic because he/she doesn’t want to lose everything. So, promises are made in the heat of the moment that they’ll end the affair, cut off all contact etc but people can’t just flip a switch to their feelings. My point is, it likely didn’t end when you thought it did but it could be ended now, and he “forgot” to remove her number. I think you just have to ask and see what he says.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> No one could know why her number is still listed in there, but just asking him will help you see if it was just an oversight or not (by his reaction).


I struggle to see how this could be an oversight, im sorry.
I am going to speak to him this evening. 
Him having her number says that he either is or has plans to contact her, whyelse have it? they dont work together, no mutual friends - he thinks I think its been blocked or deleted so the fact he has it screams things to me


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Does she live nearby?


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Does she live nearby?


she lives about 30 miles away or so, I dont know the exact location


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Just delete it yourself. Then if it appears again you will know that he wants it there.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Just delete it yourself. Then if it appears again you will know that he wants it there.


with the risk of sounding stupid, if he didnt want it there..wouldnt it have been deleted by him?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

throwaway6720 said:


> I struggle to see how this could be an oversight, im sorry.
> I am going to speak to him this evening.
> Him having her number says that he either is or has plans to contact her, whyelse have it? they dont work together, no mutual friends - he thinks I think its been blocked or deleted so the fact he has it screams things to me


There is a thread floating around on here where the OP had a similar situation and I think the shared opinions were to just ask her husband. A few suggested to delete the number and see if he notices but to me, that feels like a game. I guess you just have to be prepared for maybe something you don’t want to hear (when you ask him.) 😔


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This seems to be a common problem. Read this thread and see if it offers you any insight:









Can’t believe this is still going on. OW is still here


Hi everyone. A couple of years ago I found messages on my husbands phone to another woman. These messages were highly emotional, more so than he ever has with me - and alluding to their affair also being physical. i confronted him and we spoke about saving our marriage. I thought she had been...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Does it seem familiar?

edit: wrong thread cited


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> There is a thread floating around on here where the OP had a similar situation and I think the shared opinions were to just ask her husband. A few suggested to delete the number and see if he notices but to me, that feels like a game. I guess you just have to be prepared for maybe something you don’t want to hear. 😔


I have seen it, thank you - i will have a proper read of it lasted as its a few pages long. Agreed, I dont want to go and delete it - he should have done this himself. I know what you mean, thats why I came on here, to hear what I dont want to hear but what I need to hear. Him having her number shows some sort of intent


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

Blondilocks said:


> This seems to be a common problem. Read this thread and see if it offers you any insight:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ah I was looking at a different thread but thank you will keep and read..My gut is telling me that her information for a reason and I need to hear thats what other people think too, honestly feel like i am going loopy


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

throwaway6720 said:


> with the risk of sounding stupid, if he didnt want it there..wouldnt it have been deleted by him?


As we said before we can't possibly know. However it's what you do about it now that matters. Either ask him or delete it yourself. I would have asked my husband as soon as I saw it.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> As we said before we can't possibly know. However it's what you do about it now that matters. Either ask him or delete it yourself. I would have asked my husband as soon as I saw it.


I know you cant know for sure but I want to get peoples thoughts on it. I cant really explain it, I guess I want them to match up with mine so I know when I confront him I dont sound ridiculous. This is my thought - 
If it was over with her, it would be deleted
If he wanted her out of his life, it would be deleted
If he wanted to make things work with me, it would be deleted
If he wasnt speaking to her, it would be deleted as POINTLESS having it
If he wasnt planning on contacting her in the future, it would have been deleted.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

He hasn't deleted it... just in case...


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So he met a stranger at an event? Was he there with friends?
We’re you ever super close during your marriage?


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> He hasn't deleted it... just in case...


This. 
He is keeping some sort of door open to future communication


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I'm sorry. He's still seeing her. The affair never stopped. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You have to decide if you want to stay with this person, he isn't going to stop cheating on you. Ever.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm sorry. He's still seeing her. The affair never stopped. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You have to decide if you want to stay with this person, he isn't going to stop cheating on you. Ever.


I know I sound loopy asking if it means anything that he has kept her number, but it does........it isnt an oversight, is it - he knows its in his phone and is waiting to reachout otherwise she would be blocked.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

throwaway6720 said:


> I know I sound loopy asking if it means anything that he has kept her number, but it does........it isnt an oversight, is it - he knows its in his phone and is waiting to reachout otherwise she would be blocked.


Yiu are now going around in circles. We can only make the same assumptions as you. Please confront your husband and ask him.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I'm sorry. He's still seeing her. The affair never stopped. I'm really sorry you're going through this. You have to decide if you want to stay with this person, he isn't going to stop cheating on you. Ever.


Well, this is pure speculation. You can't know this, any of it.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

aine said:


> Yiu are now going around in circles. We can only make the same assumptions as you. Please confront your husband and ask him.


Thank you but as previously stated, I have posted on here to see what other people have to say before I confront my husband. I don't care if I will hear things I dont want to hear I just want to hear them.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

Livvie said:


> Well, this is pure speculation. You can't know this, any of it.


Maybe so - but I dont think I am that wrong to speculate that he has kept his AP number in his phone for a reason and I am asking if others think the same


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

throwaway6720 said:


> I know I sound loopy asking if it means anything that he has kept her number, but it does........it isnt an oversight, is it - he knows its in his phone and is waiting to reachout otherwise she would be blocked.


It means he’s not remorseful about cheating and intends to cheat with her again if he’s not already. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I feel like I know where you are emotionally. You want someone to tell you it’s ok, he isn’t lying and you are overreacting. You’re not. He didn’t forget to delete her number. If he didn’t want that number there, it wouldn’t be there. What it means is that he has no remorse and is still seeing her.

If you confront him, he will lie. Start making your plan to leave. He cannot be trusted. The man you love doesn’t exist. He tricked you. 

I’m so sorry. We’ve all been there. But life is short and every second you spend on this guy is a waste of your precious time.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It means he’s not remorseful about cheating and intends to cheat with her again if he’s not already. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I feel like I know where you are emotionally. You want someone to tell you it’s ok, he isn’t lying and you are overreacting. You’re not. He didn’t forget to delete her number. If he didn’t want that number there, it wouldn’t be there. What it means is that he has no remorse and is still seeing her.
> 
> If you confront him, he will lie. Start making your plan to leave. He cannot be trusted. The man you love doesn’t exist. He tricked you.
> 
> I’m so sorry. We’ve all been there. But life is short and every second you spend on this guy is a waste of your precious time.


I feel like I cant trust what he has to say right this second. If they aren't currently in contact, do you think he knows they will be and that is why he has kept it? I know you cant say for sure..
Also - he wouldnt just have it laying in his phone and not use...i find that so difficult to believe right


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

throwaway6720 said:


> I feel like I cant trust what he has to say right this second. If they aren't currently in contact, do you think he knows they will be and that is why he has kept it? I know you cant say for sure..
> Also - he wouldnt just have it laying in his phone and not use...i find that so difficult to believe right


You’re correct. You can’t trust anything he says. He kept it because he wants to stay in touch with her. He wouldn’t have it on his phone if he weren’t planning to contact her. It’s difficult to believe because it’s not true. 

I’m so sorry, I know this is hurtful and hard. But you have instincts for a reason.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> You’re correct. You can’t trust anything he says. He kept it because he wants to stay in touch with her. He wouldn’t have it on his phone if he weren’t planning to contact her. It’s difficult to believe because it’s not true.
> 
> I’m so sorry, I know this is hurtful and hard. But you have instincts for a reason.


The weird thing is, I honestly didnt come on here expecting to hear oh no he just forgot its fine etc, I actually came on here WANTING to hear that he has kept her number for a reason because it makes me feel less insane


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

throwaway6720 said:


> I know I sound loopy asking if it means anything that he has kept her number, but it does........it isnt an oversight, is it - he knows its in his phone and is waiting to reachout otherwise she would be blocked.


No, it is intentional. It is absurd to think a man busted in an emotional affair and alleging he wants to save his marriage would not have deleted it.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

throwaway6720 said:


> The weird thing is, I honestly didnt come on here expecting to hear oh no he just forgot its fine etc, I actually came on here WANTING to hear that he has kept her number for a reason because it makes me feel less insane


Well then I feel better, because I don't want to hurt you. You are not insane. There is no other reason in the universe for him to keep it other than to stay in touch. If you confront him, he will tell you that you're being crazy, he just forgot, blah blah blah, but if he's cheated he's proven he is an unrepentant liar. Get your ducks in a row and get out. I wouldn't even mention it to him. I'd just talk to an attorney, pack your things and present him with papers on your way out the door.


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## throwaway6720 (8 mo ago)

Megaforce said:


> No, it is intentional. It is absurd to think a man busted in an emotional affair and alleging he wants to save his marriage would not have deleted it.


yes - am i crazy to think it shows intent for future contact by keeping it? Like I said the only thing and i mean ONLY thing i can think of as to why it is there is he doesnt want to hurt her or make her upset. he shouldnt care about her feelings and even if that was the case, all he has to do is block her


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Alternatively call her or have a friend call her and take her by surprise asking her why she’s in contact with someone else’s husband .


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

This sounds like the same person that posted previously. You're never going to get exactly what you want here, because we can't know for sure either. So, confront your husband or just leave. Stop tearing yourself apart with the maybe / maybe not stuff.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I think he’s currently in contact with her


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Assuming you aren't the same poster who keeps going around in circles speculating about why her husband would keep the number of someone he cheated with, I personally don't think someone who truly wants to reconcile would just "forget" about deleting the AP's number. Especially when they went through the trouble of hiding them under a different name.

I am of the opinion that he's keeping the door to her open, at the least.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you solofornow? Same post.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

throwaway6720 said:


> with the risk of sounding stupid, if he didnt want it there..wouldnt it have been deleted by him?


Without reading the next 2 pages yet, so maybe this is already covered, but the only way you’ll know is either by asking him, or detective work. If you want to do the detective work, then you can’t let him know you might be onto something.

The most common and easy way to get info is with a voice activated recorder in his car. Assuming he has more than a 10 minute drive to work, it would be unusual to not use that private time to contact an affair partner.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> _*It means he’s not remorseful about cheating and intends to cheat with her again if he’s not already. I’m sorry to be so harsh, but I feel like I know where you are emotionally. You want someone to tell you it’s ok, he isn’t lying and you are overreacting. You’re not. He didn’t forget to delete her number. If he didn’t want that number there, it wouldn’t be there. What it means is that he has no remorse and is still seeing her.
> 
> If you confront him, he will lie. Start making your plan to leave. He cannot be trusted. The man you love doesn’t exist. He tricked you.
> 
> I’m so sorry. We’ve all been there. But life is short and every second you spend on this guy is a waste of your precious time.*_


TexasMom, were we separated at birth? 😁

OP, I've been reading infidelity message boards for over 20 years. After a while, you see certain behavior patterns emerge over and over and over and over again. It's honestly gotten to the point where I can predict where a story is leading long before I'm finished reading it. I've read your story 1,000's of times. I'm honestly shocked at how many here have suggested that your cheating husband may have just_ "forgotten"_ to delete Simon from his phone. Personally, I think you have a better chance of winning the lottery than that being the case.

In truth, his affair with this woman while you were pregnant was as low as a man can sink, let's not kid ourselves. He dug a crawlspace *UNDER* his lowest point in life when he disrespected you to THAT level. But even worse, there's another commonality the majority of cheaters seem to share - they really DON'T cut contact with their affair partners after they're caught, and instead continue the affair using a different mode of communication to do it. Getting caught just usually causes them to move things deeper underground. I would believe TexasMom's post is RIGHT on target - he's still seeing her. Hell, most cheaters are smart enough to hide it better after they're caught the first time.

I'll leave you with a question, OP. Your husband cried his eyes out when he was caught (lol - most of them DO when they're caught - he ain't special) and he likely promised you the moon, telling you he'd never do anything like that ever again and that he had no feelings for her and he made a dumb 'mistake' and blah blah blah blah. Just so you know - affairs aren't "mistakes." A mistake is overdrawing your checkbook or picking up whole milk at the store instead of skim. He made many, many, MANY *deliberate choices* to be in that affair, so don't let him call it a "mistake." And he likely proclaimed his love for you from the rooftops and told you he'd do anything you need him to do to make this up to you.

So my question is, do you honestly believe that he couldn't even "remember" to delete the phone contact information of the woman that he CHOSE to risk his entire marriage and family for?

*Seriously?????? * That's what some want the OP to believe?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> *Seriously?????? * That's what some want the OP to believe?


It's infuriating, isn't it? All the encouragement victims of cheaters get on here to be patient, be kind, close their eyes and give the cheater the benefit of the doubt. "Oh, he seems remorseful." No, he's a gifted liar and knew that tears and drama and sobbing apologies would manipulate you into falling for it. 

It's interesting how that "benefit of the doubt" is distributed as well. WWs are given FAR less leeway than WHs. 

OP, honey, you know what the answer is here. Now pull up your big girl panties and save yourself from a lifetime of misery and nasty diseases and end this. Being alone may be scary, but so are the screaming meanies he's bringing home every time he manipulates you into sex. RUN.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

TexasMom1216 said:


> _*"Oh, he seems remorseful." No, he's a gifted liar and knew that tears and drama and sobbing apologies would manipulate you into falling for it. *_


Agreed. Sadly, betrayed spouses often mistake their cheater's tears for remorse. Truth is, the cheater is crying for HIMSELF because he's afraid to lose his wife and kid and he's afraid to have to divvy up his assets and he's afraid he'll have to pay too much child support and have to live under a bridge somewhere.

Those tears weren't for the OP's pain. They were for HIMSELF.

OP, never mistake REGRET for remorse. You simply saw his regret for having gotten himself into the trouble he was in. If he had *actual* remorse, deleting that number would have been his FIRST order of business.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> OP, never mistake REGRET for remorse.


Quoted and reposted because there is too much truth in this statement for one post.

Most of the time, keeping the marriage is how the cheater protects himself from having to commit to the AP, because while a girlfriend is hot and sexy, especially a secret girlfriend, a WIFE comes with responsibilities and expectations. He wants the romance and wild sex of an illicit romance and cannot get that if he's not married.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you saw the number there you should have simply called it...

Asking your husband why it is there is not good advice because cheaters lie... and whether he is or isn't currently seeing / speaking to her, you'll never actually know based on his own words.

I would hire a PI or use other investigative techniques if you really want to know what he is up to, and then discuss with him after you have the results of that.

Sorry, but it sounds to me like you have a remorseless cheater on your hands and you should act accordingly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he forgot about it. Maybe he didn’t. But, yes, it looks suspicious.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

throwaway6720 said:


> I have written in my notes section what reason he has to have it and the only thing I have come up with is maybe being he was worried about hurting her feelings (pathetic) but even IF that were the case, you'd block her anyway right her feelings shouldnt even come into this........
> yes he could be deleting msgs. in a way i hope he is (i know that sounds mad) but i would rather he hasnt just kept it for no reason at all like what is the point in that? which makes me think there IS A REASON it has been kept


So it sounds like you never insisted that he remove her and refrain from contact when you agreed to work things out. One would think that’s an obvious step, but it clearly isn’t.

I would recommend stop guessing about his motives/intent and simply ask him if he still in contact with her and if he still has her in his phone? If he lies about still having her contact info, that’s a big problem.
Otherwise, you just need to be clear about your boundaries / expectations and tell him that he wants to remain in your marriage, he needs to remove her from his phone and refrain from any contact.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Dial the number from his phone. If she answers, "Hi, Sweetie!", you have your answer.


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## akashNil (May 20, 2012)

One possibility - This number might be there, with no messages, on purpose. 
You may check for other numbers. 
There could be another number, possibly with very innocent looking name. Just a possibility.


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## PhilWynn (8 mo ago)

sorry to hear that , you deserve better


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