# Husband subscribed to swinger website



## Omego

Hi All,

What would you do? My husband and I have always had a great sex life. We've often joked about "naughty" people who do threesomes, swing, etc. and said how the idea could seem exciting but that we would never do any such thing or want to share each other. 
I found out by accident (by using his computer and trying to log into my email account) that he had signed up to, PAID for and POSTED PICTURES on (you couldn't really identify them) such a website. I immediately deleted everything and asked him about it. He said he was just curious to see what would happen.

I kinda feel like saying: WTH? Paying out of curiosity? Just to see what would happen?

I haven't brought it up again but I feel like I cannot really trust him. Although I believe he is sincere when he says he only wants me... Still.... 

What would you think?


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## MissMe

He's already cheating or preparing to do so. Don't pretend otherwise.


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## ScarletBegonias

Reminds me of something similar that an ex of mine did.Used the exact same excuse too.
He was a serial cheater.

You may want to start reading the evidence gathering thread in Coping With Infidelity.


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## Omego

MissMe said:


> He's already cheating or preparing to do so. Don't pretend otherwise.


I guess I should also add that he posted pictures of me as well... body pictures in lingerie. But maybe that was just so he could look like he was including his wife.... 

Maybe you are right that he is planning on cheating. I can safely say that he has not cheated yet. I would have known.


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## JustAnotherMan

It is one thing to set up a profile and use the site for fantasy material. It is another when he pays for a membership and post pictures. Is the profile and picture of just him or you as a couple? Was he looking for himself or was he still in the fantasy of eventually sharing with you the profile and responses you as a couple got from others?


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## SomedayDig

"Real" swinging means that BOTH parties are involved in every decision with extremely tight boundaries and communication.

Posting on a swinger site like your husband did without your permission "just to see what would happen" is plain wrong. Period.

Putting pics...even if they're blurred or cropped, doesn't matter. In my opinion that's a violation and he probably just screwed up ever getting to take any kind of sexy pics of you ever again. Trust was broken.

Don't rug sweep this but don't go nuclear just yet. Sit down and have a frank, open and honest discussion about just why he did it. "Just to see what would happen" is not an appropriate response. What did he TRULY want to happen? I mean, if he really wants to peek into the swing scene, he just needs to come out and tell you that. Not hide it. That, right there, is where he totally went off the reservation.


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## Omego

JustAnotherMan said:


> It is one thing to set up a profile and use the site for fantasy material. It is another when he pays for a membership and post pictures. Is the profile and picture of just him or you as a couple? Was he looking for himself or was he still in the fantasy of eventually sharing with you the profile and responses you as a couple got from others?


He did post unidentifiable couple pictures. But I knew nothing about the membership and he was using some obscure email address to collect replies. I didn't see that he had contacted anyone but he may have deleted his outbox.


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## Almostrecovered

install a keylogger on the computer, he's also likely trolling craigslist and other dating/hook up sites


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## *LittleDeer*

He joined a swingers site without your knowledge, lied about you being involved to be on there,He's using a fake email address, then he posted naked pictures of you on the Internet without your permission.

Sounds like he's very comfortable being deceptive. How will you ever trust him? 

I'd get a key logger and never reveal to him that you have one. Keep a close eye on his cell phone too. 

Insist on Counseling and see what he's willing to do to save your marraige.


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## richie33

Not cool. You should be furious. He wants to posts his smeckle all over the place, not right I may add but including you without your knowledge is really messed up. He has to own this and do wahtever he needs to do to save his marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego

Thanks for all of the words of warning. I told him it was wrong to go behind my back and he agreed. However, the password to his computer has been changed and the new password he has given me does not work. I guess I'll be updating soon once I get to the bottom of this. I don't know what I keylogger is, but as he is tech savvy, it probably would not work.....


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## ScarletBegonias

Omego said:


> Thanks for all of the words of warning. I told him it was wrong to go behind my back and he agreed. However, the password to his computer has been changed and the new password he has given me does not work. I guess I'll be updating soon once I get to the bottom of this. I don't know what I keylogger is, but as he is tech savvy, it probably would not work.....


damn.talk about red flags.DO NOT sleep with him without protection until you KNOW for certain what's going on.


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## Omego

Got the correct password. So that seems above board. He says he is not going to subscribe to anymore websites and that he has not done anything else whatsoever. I kind of know where he is at all times and we're really busy all of the time, so it would be nearly impossible for him to have had the time to cheat. I actually trust him on that. It was a love at first sight, whirlwind type relationship and has been a solid marriage since the beginning in terms of faithfulness/attention.

It's a shame. I just don't trust him 100% anymore.


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## SomedayDig

Has he given you a "valid" reason why he did it in the first place or was that just rug swept cuz it'd be a difficult conversation?


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## Omego

He said he was just curious because as we had talked about fantasies, etc. etc. The rest got kind ofg rug swept because it's outrageous that he posted my pictures as well. Guess there is not much he can say to that.
The upside is that he can't refuse total access to his computer, passwords, etc. I have nothing to hide on mine so why should he?


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## Omego

Sorry for the typo!


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## SomedayDig

Well...it most certainly IS uncomfortable to talk about stuff like this ~ no doubt. However, I can promise you that talking about it with full disclosure and honesty about the subject from each of you, could head off a potential disaster in the future.

It's not the most popular idea, however I believe that "privacy" is for the bathroom...not computers, cell phones, etc. There should never be secrets like that between spouses as it is just too slippery a slope.


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## new_step_mum

Omego said:


> Hi All,
> 
> What would you do? My husband and I have always had a great sex life. We've often joked about "naughty" people who do threesomes, swing, etc. and said how the idea could seem exciting but that we would never do any such thing or want to share each other.
> I found out by accident (by using his computer and trying to log into my email account) that he had signed up to, PAID for and POSTED PICTURES on (you couldn't really identify them) such a website. I immediately deleted everything and asked him about it. He said he was just curious to see what would happen.
> 
> I kinda feel like saying: WTH? Paying out of curiosity? Just to see what would happen?
> 
> I haven't brought it up again but I feel like I cannot really trust him. Although I believe he is sincere when he says he only wants me... Still....
> 
> What would you think?


maybe he's got a sex addiction problem like hubby. hubby had to see a therapist and also talked in a group therapy meeting. he always needs relief no matter how much we do. so maybe your hubby always needs relief too :/


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## Omego

new_step_mum said:


> maybe he's got a sex addiction problem like hubby. hubby had to see a therapist and also talked in a group therapy meeting. he always needs relief no matter how much we do. so maybe your hubby always needs relief too :/


I've been leaning towards that theory. I'm not sure he has a problem, per se, but he definitely has a huge sex drive. Meaning that even if he is sick with fever he will still have sex. And when away on business he looks at porn, etc. He is constantly focused on or thinking about sex. At what stage does this become a problem in your opinion? If you don't mind my asking, why did your husband feel that a therapist was necessary?


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## JustAnotherMan

Omego said:


> I've been leaning towards that theory. I'm not sure he has a problem, per se, but he definitely has a huge sex drive. Meaning that even if he is sick with fever he will still have sex. And when away on business he looks at porn, etc. He is constantly focused on or thinking about sex. At what stage does this become a problem in your opinion? If you don't mind my asking, why did your husband feel that a therapist was necessary?


I know there has to be a point where it becomes a problem. Does it interfere with his work, his home life, or your relationship? The definition above would make a very large portion of the male population sex addicts. Raising hand.....


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## Omego

JustAnotherMan said:


> I know there has to be a point where it becomes a problem. Does it interfere with his work, his home life, or your relationship? The definition above would make a very large portion of the male population sex addicts. Raising hand.....


 True! So no, it hasn't posed any problems in that regard.


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## new_step_mum

Omego said:


> I've been leaning towards that theory. I'm not sure he has a problem, per se, but he definitely has a huge sex drive. Meaning that even if he is sick with fever he will still have sex. And when away on business he looks at porn, etc. He is constantly focused on or thinking about sex. At what stage does this become a problem in your opinion? If you don't mind my asking, why did your husband feel that a therapist was necessary?


hubby saw a therapist cos something happened at work and his employer said he would be fired if he did not :/ so last year he saw therapist and group but not his year.

but i don't think its a problem  and i don't think the therapy changed him.


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## LouAnn Poovy

New Step Mum - His employer forced him to have sex therapy and you don't think it's a problem, yet nothing changed? He sexually harassed someone at work, or had an affair, something pretty major happened, but you aren't concerned. That's odd for me.


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## new_step_mum

LouAnn Poovy said:


> New Step Mum - His employer forced him to have sex therapy and you don't think it's a problem, yet nothing changed? He sexually harassed someone at work, or had an affair, something pretty major happened, but you aren't concerned. That's odd for me.


hubby mbated at work and someone saw him but it was my fault cos we webcam when he's at work. he has addictions so we have to. and its fun cos i don't like being home alone.


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## LouAnn Poovy

:scratchhead:........ok...........


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## Soifon

:rofl: :crazy:

Anyway OP, I think you definitely need to monitor him. The thing about swingers and those websites is that single men are pretty much ignored. A lot of men go on them and pretend like their wives are involved when they really have no idea. It is the single men's way "in" so to speak. For him to set up the account like that tells me that he is very aware of how that world works and I don't think this was just a random curiosity.


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## Theseus

OMG people some of you need to chill out. This husband is not cheating. I've been in a similar situation myself. 

This isn't a case of a man trolling for escorts on Craigslist. If it's a swingers site, then he can't "cheat" because he couldn't do anything unless his wife was with him. Scant few couples are looking for a single man to join them, and then they don't have to go through a Swinger site to do it because they get overwhelmed with responses.

I guarantee this is what he was doing: he has a fantasy about swinging. And he decided that before getting his hopes up and spending all the time/effort to talk his wife into trying it, he wanted to see if it would be worth it. So he wanted to know if anyone would even be interested in him and his wife in the first place, and what kind of people they would be. 

*Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying he was blameless*. It was wrong for him to post his wife's photos without her permission.


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## Wiserforit

Omego said:


> However, the password to his computer has been changed and the new password he has given me does not work.


He blocked your access in order to delete evidence. What reasonable explanation could there be? He figures he's got it all cleaned now. 

He's going to cool it for a while and then drive whatever he does deep underground.

So it's keylogger time and maybe a vor. The trust is shot at this point, and it isn't your fault. Affair or not isn't so relevant at this point as violation of trust, lying, and covering up the full extent of whatever he is up to.


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## wifenumber2

Dealing with this now. First counseling appt on Monday. Mine wants me to go to a swingers/clothing optional retreat. I may not always be a good communicator; however, I have consistently made it clear that I draw the line at including a "third party" into our marriage. He claims he is willing to wear a male chastity device and just wants to watch me flirt with men and women. Really? It would be like taking an alcoholic to a bar. 

Good luck Omego. I hope you two can clearly communicate and resolve this.


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## memyselfandi

This is how our marriage ended in divorce..my husband simply "checking" out couples swinging websites..and it took off from there.

They are NEVER just curious, yet out of curiousity..if you're not willing to get involved...out of curiousity. they'll throw a message out there to meet a couple with someone they "claim" to be their wife..which is what my ex did.

One thing led to another and he was soon meeting other couples on his own..with other women. Not only that..but many of these women involved with their husbands on these websites....I found my husband was meeting on the side BEHIND their husband's backs.

It is not a pretty lifestyle as everyone would like to believe where one gets to experience other women while the wife gets to experience other men.

However..most of the time..the wives enjoy the experience so much with the other "guy" that they're willing to meet them on the side.

I myself wanted nothing to do with the whole scenario since I believed in fidelity. However..my husband (now ex) thought otherwise..didn't follow the swinging rules (and of course the wives didn't either..)..met on the side...

And it cost several marriages.

Great to fantasize about but to act upon...I'd suggest not.


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## Omego

Theseus said:


> OMG people some of you need to chill out. This husband is not cheating. I've been in a similar situation myself.
> 
> This isn't a case of a man trolling for escorts on Craigslist. If it's a swingers site, then he can't "cheat" because he couldn't do anything unless his wife was with him. Scant few couples are looking for a single man to join them, and then they don't have to go through a Swinger site to do it because they get overwhelmed with responses.
> 
> I guarantee this is what he was doing: he has a fantasy about swinging. And he decided that before getting his hopes up and spending all the time/effort to talk his wife into trying it, he wanted to see if it would be worth it. So he wanted to know if anyone would even be interested in him and his wife in the first place, and what kind of people they would be.
> 
> *Now don't get me wrong - I'm not saying he was blameless*. It was wrong for him to post his wife's photos without her permission.


I agree! I can see why others would think otherwise, as did I, because it looks like such deceitful behavior. It IS indeed deceitful...


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## Omego

memyselfandi said:


> This is how our marriage ended in divorce..my husband simply "checking" out couples swinging websites..and it took off from there.
> 
> They are NEVER just curious, yet out of curiousity..if you're not willing to get involved...out of curiousity. they'll throw a message out there to meet a couple with someone they "claim" to be their wife..which is what my ex did.
> 
> One thing led to another and he was soon meeting other couples on his own..with other women. Not only that..but many of these women involved with their husbands on these websites....I found my husband was meeting on the side BEHIND their husband's backs.
> 
> It is not a pretty lifestyle as everyone would like to believe where one gets to experience other women while the wife gets to experience other men.
> 
> However..most of the time..the wives enjoy the experience so much with the other "guy" that they're willing to meet them on the side.
> 
> I myself wanted nothing to do with the whole scenario since I believed in fidelity. However..my husband (now ex) thought otherwise..didn't follow the swinging rules (and of course the wives didn't either..)..met on the side...
> 
> And it cost several marriages.
> 
> Great to fantasize about but to act upon...I'd suggest not.


Exactly. This is exactly what would happen. My H said he would just like to go and look but not do anything with anyone. Sure, right. Maybe one could actually think things could go this way, but I don't believe it. It's really like opening Pandora's box.

I also did not mention that I found out he had subscribed to some other websites (did not pay) to just 'see' what they were like... When I discovered it I literally thought I would die. I felt the ground falling out beneath me.... He convinced me that he was just looking and I verified that no messages were sent from his end.

Yes, I know it looks so very bad. I have full access to everything now and I do believe him when he says he wants only me, etc.


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