# Help!!!!



## losinit (Jan 24, 2013)

Ok, a lil background:

I've been married for 8yrs, together for 9. He was 27, I was 21 when we met.... I work full time at a job that is not physically taxing (but emotionally ruinous) and he is a full time dad to our 5yo son. 

I don't want to have sex anymore. WHO HAS TIME???? I work 7p-7a, which means that 4x a week I'm home (READ AWAKE) from say 1p-630p.... By the time I get up around noon, get a bite of breakfast/lunch and hopefully get the days errands done it's time for my son to get home. We slog thru our day (our communication skills are nonexistent, read: lots and lots of circular, petty, borderline ridiculous arguments that put both parties in a resentful/aggressive mood. Both of us feeling like we're not being heard even if it is over how to cook the chicken for supper...) I try not to say anything that might put us in the "red zone". ( I have to be red zone alert, cause he loves him some red zone. If it CAN be brought up at the wrong moment he WILL bring it up at the wrong moment.) Red zone includes bills, any and all ( of which I need to post a new thread in the financial thread lol), friends (of which we have NONE and he thinks is just fine) my job (which i HATE, but am dependant on bc it's what supports us, and he cannot fathom why I would hate such an EASY job), his lack of job, my mother (who died TEN YEARS AGO and is no longer the source of grief that it was when we first met, ONE MONTH after she died) I cope really well with her lose now and have FOR YEARS, but anytime my son mentions Grandma Julie I get this sideways look from the hubby like "Oh, you've done sent her off the emotional cliff now...") and then when all the passive bickering is over and the boy is in bed around 9-10, I'm EXHAUSTED. Our bedroom is directly across the hall from our sons, so after the requisite 30mins or so that it takes him to fall asleep, the hubby is raring to go and the thought makes me want to throw up. literally. 

I had a normal/average sex drive when we met and continued like that for a couple of years. I then got pregnant gained 100 POUNDS and felt like the worlds most unnattractive beached whale. Then almost two years of DEPO shots had some weird hormonal effects (extreme dryness down there, lack of interest, etc) put us into a funk where we maybe had sex 10 times in those two years. I have since lost the hundred pounds and an extra 45 that makes me feel pretty spiffy in every other way than sexual. I know I look good in my clothes, but have NO desire to have them pawed off by my hubby or ANYONE else. 

I don't want to have sex with another man, I just don't want to have sex. It's a major issue. Used to be a fight a week, now its a fight a day, at least. He wants more sex, I say lets have sex, we plan sex for that night and... we have unexpected company that stays forever, our son gets sick, we have a fight (that he sez I start just so I don't have to do the deed later, but he brings up the issue 99% of the time), I get my period a week and a half early (true story... just last week at that lol) Its always SOMETHING and 85% of the time they're not my fault, just random stuff that I call life and he calls some Machiavellian plot to ruin his life by suppressing his sexual needs.

I swear this is not the case. My eye is twitching right now just reconstructing the old arguments in my head... The sex isn't good for either of us, hasn't been in a long time, ED issues on his part (probably stemming from the perpetual blueball our 9yrs has caused him) and interest on my part (TV is wrong, sex isn't better when you're angry, for me its IMPOSSIBLE. I can't get in to it when I'm still lost in the fight of twenty minutes before. AND the twenty minutes before that.) Our communication retardation makes it impossible for me to want to have sex with him because I'm always so mad and resentful at the 1000 little things that had been fought over in our day. 

We don't argue, he shouts over me, cuts me off, tells me what I'm thinking (99.9% of the time incorrectly) and calls me stupid and intellectually challenged because when I say that I don't agree to his side of the argument it must be because I lack the mental faculties to properly comprehend his good sense. 

Sex takes a long time (avg 60-75 min) and sometimes I feel like he purposefully doesnt climax to make me work harder. ( since no DEPO, we usually finish with a BJ) He doesn't get it much so he should get a lot of it when he can, or something...

I know he needs to have sex, and though I'm puzzled as to why I don't ( I really don't , I don't feel denied in any way, I don't miss it at all, even when it was good), I feel like our relationship issues are the reason we don't have sex and he feels like lack of sex is our ONLY marital issue. 

I could say a lot more, and I will in a future post lol, but for now: Has anyone been there? God, plz don't let me be the only one this has happened this way to.... What am I supposed to do? We're talking separation, I want to, he doesn't.... 

Every single day is awful. Every single one. I let my son down because I'm too distracted and depressed over my hubby to give him the attention he deserves... Everyday he wants to "talk" about our problems, and accuses me of "not wanting to fix things" when I wake up a lil aloof, vague, and nonconfrontational, trying to stay away from the red zone and maybe act like there could be a day, just a SINGLE, SOLITARY day that we talked about the weather, or politics, or TV, or just random normal stuff. Not even like husband and wife, like two people who don't WANT to scream all day.

I was twitching and now I'm crying... I cry all the time. How can I make him hear me, cause I hear him. "We gotta have more sex!"


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

For starters he needs to get a job. 

Sex is extremely important to in marriage. Its the glue to the relationship. I can't even fathom my marriage without the intense emotional bonding through sex. When we go through a rough patch it's the sex that holds things together for us. 

That being said it's no way I could work my tail off and come home to bunch of bs. We both work but if anybody going to stay home its going to be me. And that's mostly because my husband wouldn't have it any other way.

You can take that with a grain of salt because we don't have kids.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You guys have an awful lot of issues, and I'd guess that your resentment towards sex (it's beyond a simple "lack of desire") is caused by these issues. Are you willing to explore counselling to try to fix things? Is he? If not, I'd say you might as well make plans to move out, cause things aren't going to magically get better overnight. Your relationship seems dysfunctional, and it's likely only going to get worse. And your son is being caught in the middle of it all, soaking up information on how a family is supposed to work.

Keep in mind that even if you do separate, you'll be taking your share of baggage with you. No matter what, you've got your own pile of issues that you need to work through before you can be happy, both for yourself and in any other future relationship.

C


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

losinit said:


> I don't want to have sex anymore. WHO HAS TIME????


That isn't the issue. There is time for sex. If it is a priority, then there is time. Many people with no drive justify their lack of drive by insisting they are too busy. They are not. Bill Clinton had sex in the Oval Office. And he was probably busier than you are.



losinit said:


> By the time I get up around noon, get a bite of breakfast/lunch and hopefully get the days errands done it's time for my son to get home.


If your husband is a stay at home dad, then he should handle most of the errands, housework, and cooking. That will free up a lot of your time.

First, you should get checked out. Your hormones may be out of whack. That can explain your low libido. If your hormones are fine, then you need marriage counseling.

You can bring up your issues with a counselor and it will be safer. Your husband isn't going to call you stupid in front of a counselor. A counselor can give you some homework to do that will help resolve your conflicts. You can void conflicts at home by saying, "That's something we should discuss in front of the counselor on Tuesday."

Hopefully, you can resolve your issues and give your son the kind of home he deserves, with two parents who love each other and are sexual with each other.

Good luck.


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