# Are "sexting" and racey email classed as cheating?



## campergal (Oct 28, 2010)

My husband and I have been together for 14 years and have been married for the last 3 of them. We have not been blessed with children and this has been really hard for us to deal with. Lately I felt like things were not quite right and, after a little detective work found out that he had been “sexting” with a girl that he met through Facebook. I confronted both him and her and the whole affair was quickly brought to a close. 

However, this is not the first time that I have discovered this kind of indiscretion by him. I would say that I have found out about at least 6 other instances of this kind of behaviour from him. One of the most upsetting times was something that I discovered not long after our wedding. 

He had been swapping email and online messages with a woman half way around the world on the run up to our big day. Telling her that he was single and that he would be “away on business and not contactable” during what was actually our wedding and honeymoon period. The messages started again as soon as we got back from our honeymoon. 

I was devastated and he sobbed and begged me not to leave saying that he was stupid, that it meant nothing and that he would never do this to me again. We were literally just married and I didn’t want to face the embarrassment of splitting up so soon after our wedding day, so I conceded and gave it one more chance.

On searching through his phone records to check up on him this time round I noticed another number that he seemed to be texting a lot very late at night, very early in the morning and right throughout the day. I called it, hoping beyond all hope that it would be a man on the other end, only it wasn’t, it was a woman. 

I looked through his phone to match the number up to a name and it was in there under an androgynous name. When I questioned him about it he said that it was somebody that he used to work with 20 years ago and that she had been through a really difficult time and was talking to him about it via text.

I want to trust him, I really do but given his track record I’m finding it really hard to and don’t want to feel like I’m being used as a door mat. I don’t want to throw away the last 14 years and even though he’s hurt me so much, so many times I still love him deeply. 

I don’t know what to do and don’t have anybody to talk to about it, that’s why I’m here – for some good straight talking advice.....please help me understand this and help me to decide what to do next.


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Being _faithful_ is defined as "Steadfast in affection or allegiance--loyal; Firm in adherence to promises or in observance of duty." The definition of _loyal_ is "faithful to a private person to whom fidelity is due.

Infidelity is the opposite of those two definitions. By definition, an affair is infidelity. 

Your husband has turned to someone else, to whom loyalty is NOT due. He is not giving you 100& of his loyalty and affection. He's SHARING it with someone else.

Moreover, love is the action of doing what is best for another person; it is the act of honoring, respecting, and caring for them. A marriage is a specific formal arrangement in which you and your spouse pledge to love one another, to the exclusion of others. 

What your husband is doing is not loving you. 

Ask yourself this: do you accept the notion that you or your spouse can secretly chat with other people? If not, then there is a problem in your marriage that you probably had better work on! 

Why is it that your HUSBAND is the only person in the world that someone he knew 20 years ago can turn for emotional support? And - why does he owe this to her, instead of you?


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

My wife began her affair on Facebook with a 10th grade boyfriend that she hadn't spoken to or seen for almost 30 years. He was a "bad seed" in school but looked so polished and good on Facebook, standing right next to his wife and kid. The Facebook chat became texting, then sexting, then they met for a physical encounter! 

STOP IT NOW! Go to councelling with him. Look to Tanelornpete's web site for direction. Communicate with him how this infidelity is clearly upsetting you and you know it will lead to more. Find out what is missing in your marriage that is causing him to act that way.
Goodluck!


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## campergal (Oct 28, 2010)

I just wanted to log in and say thank you for your advice and supportive words. 

We have talked everything through and I think that we are in a much better place. I have been keeping an eye on phone records etc and all appears well, it will just take a little time for me to be able to trust him fully again, but everyday we get a little bit closer.

I am so glad that I found this site, as I didn't have anybody that I could talk to about my situation and it was great to be able to share and to hear your advice. It really has helped me to deal with the situation and I am truely thankful.


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