# Should I stay or Should I go



## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

ok for those of you that don't know. My H is a sex addict. He uses pornography, joined BDSM clubs, and has had numorous brief EA and PA's. 

I recently told him I needed out. I have been depressed, and withdrawn for many years because of this. I am in therapy and he attended with me for a few sessions but stopped going and said it was my problem not his.

I have emotionally detatched myself from my H. I no longer care what he does or who he does. I have decided to leave him. 

Despite all this I do care about him. I hope he finds the help he needs. But I can not see a physical or emotional bond with him ever again. The thought of it makes my skin crawl. 

He told me he wants counseling and some possible anger management courses (which he does need). I support his decision to help himself 100%. But, I think he is using it to keep me here and in the marriage. I feel I can not sacrifice my heart to him another time. He has promised all of this before and repeatedly went back to his old ways just days later. 

I want to support him in getting help. I want him to improve his life for himself, and for our kids. I just can't do it while being married to him. I know it will lead to anger, resentment and hurt again.

I do not see a possibility of remaining married to him at all. I have no attraction to him what so ever anymore, and have disconnected from him emotionally just so his addictive and abusive behavior would no longer hurt me.

How do I support him? From a distance as a friend, or as a wife? I am sure that when I do leave, he will be angry and probably not talk to me. He has no one else that knows about his problem to go to for support. 

What would you guys do? Stay in the marriage to help him through it, let him back in? or leave and get on with your life while trying to be as supportive as possible from a distance?


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Do you really need anyone to tell you what you already know? You need to leave...

The best way to help him is to let him crash and burn...only then he might pick up the pieces.

The longer you stay the worse you're going to feel and the more difficult you're going to make things for yourself.

If you want to do the right thing...leave...especially if you have children.

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree: with JD leave, your done, go find happiness, he is not it.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

yeh i agree to and as hard as it is . let him go. once everything is really gone , you wil know when the time is right. have some space and go through the emotions of the marriage breakdown rollorcoaster. love hate, friends , not friends and then hopefully you might be able to establish what type of relationship you want to hold with him for the future. even if you do leave and go for divorce.
i.e friends , not friends. hate or not hate. love or not love.
so like my first H , i cant stand him, as for the second, well i want to try and hold an amicable relationship for my children as he is their father.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I think you know what to do...in your gut. 

Here is confirmation. I would leave if I were you. Read Dobsons "Love must be tough." It had helped me.

Nothing has changed in your marriage so far. Nothing will if things stay the same. So, with this in mind, have a talk with him and prepare yourself and children to leave. Tell him how much you care and that you will not be a part of his illness and not have your family/marriage subjected to it. Then state your plans (have some ready) and go for it.

It is difficult. I am doing it now and it sucks! However, it will give you some power.


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

I agree with the others - you need to find your own happiness. Yeah he has some problems he needs to deal with but they are HIS issues, not yours.


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## Sufficiently Breathless (May 18, 2009)

Thank you all.. I guess I just needed conformation that I am doing the right thing.

Even with me being emotionally estranged from him and having no feelings toward him at all at this point, this is the hardest decision of my life. I do hope he gets better. But I see no reason for me to stay anymore.

13 years of marriage comes to this...is really a lot to take in. And my kids.. oy, they love their daddy, but they also sense the tension in the home, and are feeding off it. I think we will all be much happier in the long run when the divorce is final. I just think its hard to imagine after being together for so long....


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I agree it's hard to imagine...I have two failed marriages...was with both women for about 12 years...there are times when I think all that time was wasted...but after finding love...and love, not just the fantasy we have...I think those years are not wasted but just a precurser for all that is good that I have now.

You'll find love again...and this time it may be the love you truly deserve and want...

Preacher


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## D8zed (Mar 12, 2009)

SB, I'm not going to sugarcoat it - I'm currently going through a divorce and it is the HARDEST, MOST STRESSFUL thing I have ever gone through. We are at the point of telling S19 and D16 (probably tonight) and I think I'd rather take a bullet to the head than do this. I've put it off for 2-3 weeks and the gloom and stress in our household continues to grow. It's got to be done.

Anyway, good luck and be strong.


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