# Not sure how to do this...



## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

My husband wants to pretend that all of this never happened and keeps wanting to reconcile. If I'm nice and try to keep things amicable for the sake of our children, it seems to give him hope. If I am not nice, he turns into Mr. Nasty and wants to bring up all the evil things I've ever done.

Seems that he thinks everything should just be "water under the bridge" because his 2 month long PA with my best friend was no different than me telling him I wanted a divorce after discovering the attempt at another affair (the 5th time I've caught him and before I knew about the PA) and me having sex with someone else, out of stupidity and revenge.

He claims to be "100% invested" in our marriage and it's "killing him" that I'm not. Really? Where was that 100% investment when he was banging my best friend? Or when he was cruising Craigslist or AdultFriendFinder?

Does he really expect me to just be honky dory with all that? Yeah, I made a mistake in having revenge sex... but that just tells me more and more that I'm not committed... and don't want to be. He thinks it just makes us even and we can move on..


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

two wrongs never make a right. Now I must say seeing as you went and had a affair even it was out of revenge then you cannot be as truly upset about his PA because yours is no different. Not knocking you at all so please dont take it that way.

At the same time if both of you are not committed to the marriage and fixing it then yep it is time to move on. Its up to you what you can handle and work out.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

I know that what I did wasn't right. I guess I wish that he would just use it the same way I'm using his... as a good reason to move on.

I recognize that the fact that I had a ONS with someone was when I knew that our marriage was over... and was a way for me to force him to end it. 

Each time I've tried to end our relationship after I discovered him cheating, he clung on and talked me out of it. I was always faithful because I loved him and he was all I wanted.

When I decided he wasn't all I wanted, I knew I no longer loved him... but he still clings on. He is, even now, wanting to reconcile. I can just recognize that he is never going to change and that every couple of months or years, I'm going to be discovering another woman, another affair for the rest of our lives... and I don't want to live like that anymore. 

Why can't he just let go? I'm obviously not enough for him... why can't he leave me alone?


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

I'm in the same boat. My STBXH's affairs were emotional, but they wreak the same devastating damage as a PA.

You know what, up until today I have hoped we can reconcile. This morning I woke up and decided the same thing as you.

He will never change. He will always be on the prowl. No matter how good or loving a wife I am. I know this because he's been doing this for years, I recently discovered. Way before I started to pull away from him emotionally after knowing he was up to something.

I have been his doormat all these years. The EA's I DID discover (and who knows how many there are I didn't, or even PA's) I set boundaries with him telling him break contact or I'll leave. He broke contact, BUT he has resented me for making me give up his "friends" and then he went on to lock email, facebook passwords, etc, and set up secret email accounts. He's even locked his phone because "give me some privacy dammit".

He now blames me for his affairs. Whatever! He shows NO remorse whatsoever and is in COMPLETE denial of the fact he has done anything wrong.

He is in complete denial of the damage he has done to his family.

I now believe that no matter how loving and devoted a wife you are, no matter how committed you are to your marriage, family and husband, some of these people have these behaviours hardwired into their DNA. They cannot help themselves.

I can't wait to file divorce. At this stage I can't even think or desire finding someone else. But if I ever do go looking, I swear it will be someone with a soul who is a better example of a decent man and husband that my STBXH is.


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

Ps. I want my self-respect and confidence back. It is demeaning and damaging to my own soul to continue to live with someone like this in this farce of a marriage.

There must be a pyschological term for whatever it is he is: narcissist, borderline personality disorder?? Its sick.

He says I am disposable and he'll find someone else to be happy with. Good luck and good riddance!


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

He told me last night that the reason he strayed was because I didn't make him feel like a man. After putting some long hard thought into it, this was my response to him this morning:


_I don’t feel hate in my heart. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate her. I do hate what I allowed myself to become and to endure. I went from being a strong-willed, independent, whatever it takes to get the job done, never settle kind of woman to buckling to the wants and needs of the people around me. 

I know that everything that happens to me in life is as a direct result of my own decisions. As I tell [our son] every morning when I leave him: I WILL MAKE BETTER CHOICES TODAY. I will no longer allow you or anyone else to make me feel like inconsequential – plain – unworthy – undeserving - weak. I deserve a partner I can trust, respect, stand beside who is strong and doesn’t need me or any other woman to make him feel important or like a man. 

ONLY YOU CAN CONTROL YOUR FUTURE._


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## Set me FREE (Sep 5, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> He told me last night that the reason he strayed was because I didn't make him feel like a man. After putting some long hard thought into it, this was my response to him this morning:
> 
> 
> _I don’t feel hate in my heart. I don’t hate you. I don’t hate her. I do hate what I allowed myself to become and to endure. I went from being a strong-willed, independent, whatever it takes to get the job done, never settle kind of woman to buckling to the wants and needs of the people around me.
> ...


Exactly how I feel. Thank you.


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

It is so frustrating that he feels like he needs to tell me how much he wants me and that he doesn't want a divorce and that he loves me and then attack me in the very next breath.

WTF??


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> It is so frustrating that he feels like he needs to tell me how much he wants me and that he doesn't want a divorce and that he loves me and then attack me in the very next breath.
> 
> WTF??


Typical response from WS. Doesn't know any way to make sense of his actions himself, so looks to blame you for what he does. Ignore it. Make yourself clear, and then only watch his actions from here on out. Words are just confusing and in the way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Yeah become like a duck and let the water roll off your back. You will drive yourself nuts trying to figure this stuff out. Hes trying to keep you emotionally tied to him and you need to cut that.


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