# Advice needed on unfaithful wife



## soiret (Nov 16, 2009)

Hi, I'm glad I found this forum as I've been trying to get my head straight and would appreciate any advice. The last 6 months have been hell for me. I found out just after a family holiday that my wife had met a guy on a hen night - she was texting him while lying in bed next to me. She told me she didnt love me etc etc. When we got back off holiday I found out about this guy as I caught her on the phone to him. She left me and the kids that night and went to meet him the following day. After 24 hours I had a tearful call saying how sorry she was. 
Anyway, a few months later, she's done exactly the same with a guy she met in Barcelona on a weekend away. And again I found out the night before she went but she still went through with it. There have been a huge amount of lies and I'm still discovering them. I have asked her to tell me the whole truth if she wants to save her marriage and she swears she is but then I find out more lies. She's created a whole fantasy world and to be honest I'm worried about her mental state. 
We have two beautiful children who will be heartbroken if the marriage is over. I would still try and forgive her and try and save our marriage if I felt she really wanted to. She says she does, but that's all - there are no apologies, no reasons why she wants to save it, she just says she'll work at it. She refuses to tell the truth and just puts up a stuborn facade. What am I to do? It's driving me mad. I'm starting to think that all I can do is move out - is there anything else I can do until she's prepared to show any remorse for the hurt she's caused? She didn't even use a condom with these guys and she told us she was staying with her Mother's. I did not even know she was out of the country! She's a mother with two children, anything could have happend to her. Despite this, I really thought we'd be together for ever and would do anything to save it - but is it a lost cause? I've tried relate but what I really need now is some advice from others with similar experiences. Sorry for the long post. Thanks.


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## failedonce (Nov 11, 2009)

Soriet,

I think you have your answer, no nothing on her part. Why she is living a sexual world outside the realtionship.

Time for a decision my friend, this life is very attractive to a adulteress to whom has successfully living it.

Good luck.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

> I would still try and forgive her and try and save our marriage if I felt she really wanted to.


This is the very thing she is counting on. Quite simply, she doesn't have to pull the plug ... she's has demonstrated no remorse or hesitation making a mockery of your marriage. Further, she does not believe that you will end it as long as she continues to lie to you that she wants to change things. 

You need a nuclear option and you need her to understand that you will use it. She doesn't want you. She wants the comfort of a safety net while she pursues another option.


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## soiret (Nov 16, 2009)

Thanks for the comments. She's come home tonight from counselling that I persuaded her to go to (it was meant for us but she didn't want to go with me) and has said the marriage is over. I guess I probably knew it was, but it doesn't make it any easier. I'm now so worried about how my children will take it.


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## robert6 (Jun 2, 2009)

Dude, my heart goes out to you and I hope the pain is not too much, however you will come out of this stronger. Use you friends and family to get through it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

soiret said:


> I did not even know she was out of the country!


When she slips out for a drink and a passport is part of her get up... it's well over.


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## mommy2 (Oct 27, 2009)

I am so sorry. They always say that kids are stronger than you think. Be strong for each other. My best to you and your kids.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

soiret,

Sorry to hear this. It sounds as though she's willing to up and leave whenever an opportunity arises for her, so stay strong....stay in your home and be the stable one for your kids. Also, if she waffles on her decision, be very careful not to settle just to keep her. It does sound as though she is not thinking clearly right now.


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## crazybunnie25 (Nov 18, 2009)

I'm a child of divorced parents who had infidelity. My father told me at 16 that mommy and daddy are divorcing. I knew it was going to happen because I understand at that time. Along with all the signs and arguements.

Please try to keep all the negatives away from the kids.

Children loves you both equally, don't make them take sides. It will hurt when they grow up.

Try your best to keep her involve in your children's lives, even if she doesn't want to be.


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## manchild (Nov 9, 2009)

crazybunnie25 said:


> I'm a child of divorced parents who had infidelity. My father told me at 16 that mommy and daddy are divorcing. I knew it was going to happen because I understand at that time. Along with all the signs and arguements.
> 
> Please try to keep all the negatives away from the kids.
> 
> ...


First and formost....:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

craziebunnie has got it right, if you value the senisbilities of the children please keep the negatives away from the kids....if it helps, just imagine when you are poised to comment upon the character of your soon to be good ridance ex wife that instead of saying "your mother is a no good lying narcissistic selfish human being" that you say "you have a mother who loves you very much" and leave it at that

I also was a child from a broken home, and as a child I loved both my mom and dad, it is what kids do we love........and the last thing a kid needs is for his bubble world to be any further shatterred than it already has been by either the mother or the father tearing each other apart...........for their sake, keep it to yourself 

don't worry, they'll figure it out on their own and they will realize that it was her decision to break the family apart not yours

I know you must be in great pain and my heart goes out to you but as a victim of this type of BS I know the kids need you to protect them from it so I pray that you have the strength to take the high road


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## ronaldg_ph1976 (Jan 25, 2011)

Dude, I think it is time for your wife to consult a psychiatrist, as you narrated here everything that had happened, I remembered on what i've learned in Psychology class. She is maybe suffering from Borderline personality disorder coupled with nymphomania. It may have something to do during her early childhood days or she may have been a victim of sexual violence before you've met her. This is maybe the reason why she is engaged in sexual relationships with different men.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It may or may not be a lost cause it is up to her. You cant control her but you can control your self and what you will and will not tolorate. Set you boundries and stick with them. These boundries are there to protect you from getting hurt from now on. These boundries are the walls that will also protect your kids.

Be confident and strong, You want to show her that you no longer need her. As hard as it is distance your self from her. No begging,pleading or cring. Stop taking her call, and only call her if it is kid related. So take control of your own sittuation, and screw her you can not control her and she is so full of the fog that she can't be trusted any way. Dealing with her will get you only more pain.

Even if she turns in her passport and gives you every password she has you still have to verify her true commitment. She will need to completely give her selve back to you. My quess is she wont, there by making the dicision for her to leave the home that much simpler. Point is she will say she want to work it out but dont be fooled investigate her completely. before you even consider take her BS to be true. Poeple like her are addicted, they will make a mistake that will show there true commitmnet or lack of. Its just a matter of time and will find a email or something that will have crossed one of your boundries.

I may be wrong but I you don't check you wont know for sure. There is one thing I'm sure about and that is my tough love approach. This has work for some and they have rebuilt there marriage, but for other the other spouse just wasn't going along and the marriage ended on the disicions the cheating spouse made.

Take care of your kids and your self... leave her out of it and maybe she will get out of the fog and see what she is missing.

You are not a doormat and you diserve to be happy (and your kids) and have respect. It is her choice to provide that and if she can't then she should leave the home b/c no man should tolorate what this women is doing to her family.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

*this thread is really old, from 2009*

this thread is really old, from 2009.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why does ron keep posting to these old threads, I caught the 1st one, but the this one got by me.

Thanks michzz


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