# Dealing with your cheating ex wife



## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

We have 4 kids. Ages 5 - 12. 

We are in the process of divorcing. She has moved out. The details of the divorce are pretty amicable. She just wants out ASAP to pursue an open relationship with the OM. Went on for 6 months before I discovered it.

I have all the feelings one might imagine with this situation. I wish I could just cut off all contact and move on. I want to just be angry for a while and tell her to go f$&@ herself, but we have kids.

How do I deal with her/this? I know the kids are most important but I have to balance that with my own mental health and getting my mojo back. 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

ONLY talk with her for three things: Kids, divorce, finance. Other than that 180 her. I'm sure someone will post the link to the 180 if you don't have it already. 

Have fun with your kids, ignore her other than above, work on yourself (IC, gym, hobbies, your OWN friends)...

Sorry you are going through this. Cheaters are just too damaging.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

Beard said:


> We have 4 kids. Ages 5 - 12.
> 
> We are in the process of divorcing. She has moved out. The details of the divorce are pretty amicable. She just wants out ASAP to pursue an open relationship with the OM. Went on for 6 months before I discovered it.
> 
> ...


I was in the same boat as you a good few years back, unfortunately divorce wasn't an option at the time.Ten years later she cheated again and I threw her out. My only regret is that I didn't have the guts to do it the first time. 
Are you sharing custody,if this is the case then spend your time alone working on yourself,go to the gym or try something new, anything that will get you out of the house Don't try dating any time soon, wait until you have completely gotten over your ex. 
The road ahead looks bleak but it does get better and in a year or so you will be thankful that you have come out the other side.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Beard said:


> We have 4 kids. Ages 5 - 12.
> 
> We are in the process of divorcing. She has moved out. The details of the divorce are pretty amicable. She just wants out ASAP to pursue an open relationship with the OM. Went on for 6 months before I discovered it.
> 
> ...


Play the long game. In the end remind yourself you are better off. People like your wife have trouble in life. She is not moving on into the sunset. Also have hope that there is better out there. You married bad, it happens. But you can marry better. Work on yourself and your picker and have hope for better.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Link to the 180 - https://beingabeautifulmess.wordpress.com/the-180/ 

I was/am in same situation, she had other man and was in rush to get out but we were still stuck living together and it drove me insane.

Best action is to work out parenting plan and stick to it as rigid as possible to start and just not communicate at all, you do you on your time and she does her on her time, I do not have anything to do with my XW at all, we do not even discuss kids other than text or email and its blunt and to the point example below, in person i do not talk and if she speaks i answer in yes/no responses and leave usually killing conversation in less than a minute.

'signing B up for baseball if works for your days also?' cost is $125 please write check or wire $62.50.

No social media connections, no 'family' days, no joint activities etc. this works best for me since I have so much hate for my X I wish I could never see or speak to her again.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Your job is to be civil with her, as needed to handle the kids and the divorce. Anything else and she's on her own. If she wants to bring drama in your life then you just ignore her until she's back to playing nice. It's a crap spot to be in. Hit the gym hard to deal with the anger.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Until the kids reach the age of maturity, unfortunately, you're going to have to bite the bullet and put up with her and her sordid shenanigans!

Secure a good attorney, @Beard ~ and don't permit her to get away with "jack!"

And I'm earnestly praying that you are going to be named as the children's managing conservator!*


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Extreme 180.all talk stops unless concerning the kids. Divorce and separation of assets can go through lawyers or mediators.

Exchange children in front of the closest police station.

Extreme bluntness in exchanges.

This is how you deal with waywards and ex's.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You've both cheated on each other.

If she is happy to run off with her OM, use it to your advantage to get favorable terms in the divorce and get it done as quickly as possible. You should be happy OM is keeping her happy right now so she isn't focusing on trying to put the screws to you in the divorce.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

re16 said:


> *You've both cheated* on each other.
> 
> If she is happy to run off with her OM, use it to your advantage to get favorable terms in the divorce and get it done as quickly as possible. You should be happy OM is keeping her happy right now so she isn't focusing on trying to put the screws to you in the divorce.


What did I miss?


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> What did I miss?


Read OP's other threads for the rest of the story.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

re16 said:


> Read OP's other threads for the rest of the story.




We were separated, told her I wanted a divorce and not living together when I had a brief relationship. She talked me into coming back and going to counseling and I disclosed the relationship before agreeing to re-engage in the marriage. She was hurt but we worked through it. Not saying what I did was right but I did not do what she’s done. Ever! 

In the fog of her cheating she came back with a vengeance about my past relationship. Crawling in and out of my bed and his. I did not ever do this to her! I didn’t know she was cheating and took her “hurt” at face value and she convinced me I had an affair. I now have hindsight on the whole thing. That was nothing but an excuse to excuse her own behavior.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

re16 said:


> If she is happy to run off with her OM, use it to your advantage to get favorable terms in the divorce and get it done as quickly as possible. You should be happy OM is keeping her happy right now so she isn't focusing on trying to put the screws to you in the divorce.



Oh I am happy she’s hooked on her affair drug and understand that is working to my advantage. I’ve got an attorney and the ball is rolling downhill as fast as I can push it. Just wanted some tips on how to deal with her going forward. Thanks for all the replies.



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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Beard said:


> Oh I am happy she’s hooked on her affair drug and understand that is working to my advantage. I’ve got an attorney and the ball is rolling downhill as fast as I can push it. Just wanted some tips on how to deal with her going forward. Thanks for all the replies.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It will be very tough. Unfortunately there will be times when she tries to gently provoke you in an effort to make herself feel better (I'm thinking about the kids meeting the OM. OM and I want to take them somewhere etc etc)

Hard 180 once the divorce is done. If she calls to yank your chain cut her off hard. Be absolute that if it doesn't pertain to the kids you have zero interest in her life or what she does in it, she'll eventually get the picture.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Your situation is a divorce lawyer's dream. I'd love to represent you. Strike while she's "in love" because the new car smell wears off really quick when two cheaters get together.

She's motivated to get out quick so present her a divorce settlement heavily skewed in your favor. The offer is sign this and it's a done deal quick and you two can go off somewhere, without the kids, and start your new lives. Don't sign it and we drag this out and depose your AP in family court.

I do this all the time and I'd get you everything. Full custody, the house, 90% of the assets. Any good divorce attorney will. Buyer's remorse kicks in really quick with cheaters so you have to move as quickly as you can.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> Your situation is a divorce lawyer's dream. I'd love to represent you. Strike while she's "in love" because the new car smell wears off really quick when two cheaters get together.
> 
> She's motivated to get out quick so present her a divorce settlement heavily skewed in your favor. The offer is sign this and it's a done deal quick and you two can go off somewhere, without the kids, and start your new lives. Don't sign it and we drag this out and depose your AP in family court.
> 
> I do this all the time and I'd get you everything. Full custody, the house, 90% of the assets. Any good divorce attorney will. Buyer's remorse kicks in really quick with cheaters so you have to move as quickly as you can.



I wish it worked that way in my state. The only thing a “provable” affair is worth in my state is the elimination of alimony. I am in a very woman favored conservative state as far as divorce laws go. Law firms that specialize in fathers rights is almost a cottage industry here. Usually the tactic is simply to run a woman out of money or emotional capital in the divorce to get even 50/50 terms. Especially with respect to child custody. 



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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Beard said:


> I have all the feelings one might imagine with this situation. I wish I could just cut off all contact and move on. I want to just be angry for a while and tell her to go f$&@ herself, but we have kids.
> 
> How do I deal with her/this? I know the kids are most important but I have to balance that with my own mental health and getting my mojo back.


After roughly five decades of being married, not being married, and being married (different spouse), and notwithstanding seeing the same in many other couples, I have concluded that its not the bad spouses you divorce that cause you trouble and make your life hell. Its the ones you don't.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

First thing is to check and see if the OM is a sex offender. Run a background check. If he is go for full custody of your kids.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Beard said:


> I wish it worked that way in my state. The only thing a “provable” affair is worth in my state is the elimination of alimony. I am in a very woman favored conservative state as far as divorce laws go. Law firms that specialize in fathers rights is almost a cottage industry here. Usually the tactic is simply to run a woman out of money or emotional capital in the divorce to get even 50/50 terms. Especially with respect to child custody.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You're confusing what a court will order in an adversarial divorce with what you can work out between the two of you. If you go to the court with a signed agreement there's a good chance the judge will sign off on it.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Beard said:


> I wish it worked that way in my state. The only thing a “provable” affair is worth in my state is the elimination of alimony. I am in a very woman favored conservative state as far as divorce laws go. Law firms that specialize in fathers rights is almost a cottage industry here. Usually the tactic is simply to run a woman out of money or emotional capital in the divorce to get even 50/50 terms. Especially with respect to child custody.
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


This is why you use her "love" of this guy to your favor. The laws don't really matter. Your lawyer can make this as slow of a process as possible. I've done it. I've take a month, or three, to answer a question or return a signed document that I could have knocked out in 30 minutes. The more motivated she is the put it all behind her, the better deal you can get. Also, the threat of dragging the affair into court is not for legal reasons, as you said, legally the court doesn't care. What a lot of people don't realize is how subjective family court is. Judges are given more leeway to make decisions concerning custody, alimony, etc. and they hate to see families torn apart. They've seen it too often for too long (like I have, it can be brutal). They most certainly will "punish" the offending party in these situations. Plus, and this is the real reason for threatening it, cheaters don't like to look bad in public. They want to keep everything they've done as quiet as possible. In a divorce you most certainly can subpoena an AP and depose them on public record. Unlike criminal court, in civil court you can't refuse to testify even if it incriminates you for civil liability. A lot of people don't know that. There is no 5th amendment right in civil/family court. They're going to want to keep this story as private as possible so they can spin their own narrative to family, friends, coworkers, church, community, etc. The last thing they want is to make it public. That gives you leverage. Reading over your situation I would inform you that you are the one with leverage, she has none. In a case like this any settlement will heavily favor you. If that's not what you're being told by an attorney then get another attorney or at least shop some consultations. I've had guys like you walk into my office thinking they were going to get totally hosed and ended up getting almost everything.


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## Beard (Dec 6, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> This is why you use her "love" of this guy to your favor. The laws don't really matter. Your lawyer can make this as slow of a process as possible. I've done it. I've take a month, or three, to answer a question or return a signed document that I could have knocked out in 30 minutes. The more motivated she is the put it all behind her, the better deal you can get. Also, the threat of dragging the affair into court is not for legal reasons, as you said, legally the court doesn't care. What a lot of people don't realize is how subjective family court is. Judges are given more leeway to make decisions concerning custody, alimony, etc. and they hate to see families torn apart. They've seen it too often for too long (like I have, it can be brutal). They most certainly will "punish" the offending party in these situations. Plus, and this is the real reason for threatening it, cheaters don't like to look bad in public. They want to keep everything they've done as quiet as possible. In a divorce you most certainly can subpoena an AP and depose them on public record. Unlike criminal court, in civil court you can't refuse to testify even if it incriminates you for civil liability. A lot of people don't know that. There is no 5th amendment right in civil/family court. They're going to want to keep this story as private as possible so they can spin their own narrative to family, friends, coworkers, church, community, etc. The last thing they want is to make it public. That gives you leverage. Reading over your situation I would inform you that you are the one with leverage, she has none. In a case like this any settlement will heavily favor you. If that's not what you're being told by an attorney then get another attorney or at least shop some consultations. I've had guys like you walk into my office thinking they were going to get totally hosed and ended up getting almost everything.




Love this...thanks. 

And she moved out last week. It has been nice and I feel more in control than I have for a long time.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I disagree with the advice to "wait until you are ready" to date again. If you have healthy self-esteem, get out there. Nothing cures a broken heart quicker than some strange. 

You should already have the armor of a divorce under your belt to prevent you from settling down too quickly with someone new. If not, then no dating for you.


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