# I just want everything to be okay...



## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

A couple days ago, my husband and I got into a HUGE fight. Well, really, it turned into him yelling and freaking out about everything he could think of. I had supposedly "yelled" at him (which perhaps I did, I can't really recall now) because he said something that hurt my feelings. He then lost it and started saying terrible things to me. He loses control when he gets angry, and it has become worse over time. (A little background on my husband: he has trust issues, abandonment issues from childhood, and depression.) He is not happy with himself, which I believe, is why he gets SO frusterated and yells at me. At first, I try to stay calm (because I know it doesn't help anything to yell crap back at him), but he seriously doesn't stop! I even tell him. "Please stop saying that. Don't say that to me." <--As calmly as possible. But eventually, I start to freak out, too. (Oh, I forgot to mention this was in the car, and I was driving. We cannot walk away from each other, and I can't even focus fully on driving or talking with him. Dangerous, I know.) This has happened more than once, and each time, it gets worse. He says, literally, horrible things to me and accuses me of things practically all the way home (and we were about 20-25 minutes from home). He tells me, go ahead and leave, go home (home=parents' house to him), blah blah.
When we finally get home, he immediately grabs his keys to his truck and leaves. I am so upset and fed up with these arguments that I do start packing as much of my stuff as I can, stuff it all in my car, and drive to my parents' house (50 minutes away). Well, before I left our place, my husband called me and said, "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
He always feels bad about what he has said/done after the fact, after he calms down. I told him I was already done packing and had already told my parents I was coming over to their place. He said, "Okay" or "I know"... "But I just wanted to let you know that."
Once I am away from my husband for awhile, I miss him terribly, my heart is aching, but I know that our relationship has become unhealthy. 
The next day, he called me on my lunch break at work, and we talked for half an hour. It doesn't really get anywhere though because although he says he understands why I left, I don't think he fully does. He's a black and white thinker. When I say, "I need some time apart" I think he hears, "I don't love you and don't want to be with you anymore." Really, I just want us to improve ourselves because you can't love somebody fully if you don't fully love yourself.
I just hate feeling guilty and confused on what the right thing to do is. I'm sorry this is so long, but I just need some support from people going through the same type of situation as me.

P.S. Why can't things just work out?!?! Why can't my husband just be who he claims he wants to be: a better person?? I wrote him an email explaining my feelings the best I could. I even told his nephew and sister (whom he is close with) to contact him so he could have someone (other than me) to talk to.


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## ~TheOptimist~ (Jun 14, 2011)

Also, a side note: My husband is a charming, funny, intelligent, kind-hearted guy. He just has deep issues that he has never been able to work out. It saddens me to know that my husband, and people like my husband, have the potential to be great and "normal" people, but their illnesses get in their way.


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## Wellsie (Apr 18, 2012)

I'm SO sorry you're going through this. It sounds similar to my situation, I just posted a thread on it actually. Except when I try to walk away, he follows me! I have no good advice because I'm seeking it myself... just letting you know you are not alone. I wish I had a place to get away to for awhile too.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> "For what it's worth, I'm sorry."


Tell your husband that you love him. Tell him you want your marriage to be as great as possible. Tell him you hope HE wants the same thing, too.

The only thing that is going to improve your situation is PROFESSIONAL help. Your husband needs IC. After he has been in IC a while, MC together may help you both.

If your husband is TRULY SINCERE about being 'sorry', then he needs to step up and accept professional help for his problems. He needs to acknowledge that he HAS problems and that you and he CANNOT resolve them together. Then he needs to be humble enough to accept that improving your marriage starts with improving his mind-set. Let him know that YOU SUPPORT HIM and will be working on yourself as well. He is NOT going to be alone in this.

Good luck!


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