# Recon Issues and questions



## WanderLost76

Don't want to air dirty laundry to friends or family so figured I would pose these questions on here and get some feedback. Will try to be as unbiased as possible since I want honest opinions. Been married 9 years, m oxed family with no mutual kids or property. Marriage the last couple years started to become very distant, sex life fell off, both of us complained of not feeling supported and taken for granted, all the usual stuff. Finally came to a head and we seperated. Separation became angry and after the first week we no longer spoke to each other. Divorce was filed and of course, started to get ugly on both sides, money being the primary cause. At week 11 I sent a message and she finally responded and we agreed to sit down to work out the divorce terms on our own because we were both tired of the attorneys. The 2nd night we met for discussions, we started talking getting back together and ended up going back to her house. I asked "have you been with anyone" and she told me she had been kinda dating an ex and he had stayed at her house a couple times and she let him perform oral sex on her. She claims that was it. That night, we had sex and spoke of reconciliation. The next day in conversation, she told me that there was actually another guy too that she was friends with and she hooked up with and gave a blowjob too abouter 6 weeks after we seperated, claims that is all that happened and stopped there. She refused to delete this guy from her social media since he was a friend since high school and is still on her instagram as I write this. I told her that I saw my ex once for lunch and that was it. She makes it a big deal saying that she didn't sleep with these guys so it's not that big of a deal. Couple weeks later when I asked about dating sites, she told me she had put herself on the sugar baby site "Seeking Arrangements" got a message from someone offering $100 to go to coffee and she panicked and deleted her account. Last night as we were doing some work on her computer together, a new and different email account she had made for this dating site popped up. I didn't know she had it and of course there direct emails on it from a guy on the site sending pics. Seemed to be a little different than the story she told me about getting a message and deleting her profile. 

She has 2 big issues with me right now that keep coming up. First is that last year she found a escort following me on instagram, she swears that i was cheating. I never even spoke to this person and do not know who she is and have even said she should call or message this woman to clear it up. She carries screen shots in her phone and uses it against me in huge fights, I continue to say she should reach out and clear it up. 2nd issue is that during discovery, she noticed on my statement that I went to a local bikini coffee joint a couple times. This is a drive-thru coffee place where the girls working there are dressed in bathing suits. Now, i have acknowledged and agreed with her that I should have told her i went and that was inappropriate of me to go while being married. Again, nothing happened other than getting coffee from this bikini place. She now claims that I went there to hook up and now I am into younger girls because I went there.

So fast forward to today. Been trying to reconcile for 7 weeks now. Every 2 weeks she is telling me it is not going to work out and asking me to leave, spent last week in a hotel. Main reason being is that she can not trust me and claiming that I cheated when we were together by going to the bikini coffee joint. She sees this basically as no different as cheating with someone and saying that she can no longer trust me because my judgement is now in question. While she has told me some details of what she was doing in the weeks we were separated, she claims that this should l have no bearing on anything as she was in her own house at the time. Her ex was basically sleeping in her bed a week before we reconciled and I started sleeping in it. My stance is that what we were doing while separated is 100% relevant and needs to be discussed if we are to reconcile. The thought of having a 3 month black hole in the relationship with no visibility seems a little unrealistic. My personal feelings are that she is upset that I did not go out dippin **** right away like she did and instead chose to put myself in counseling for a couple months. Now we are reconciling, we have to talk through what we were doing while seperated and she feels bad that she hooked up with multiple people so has to make a bigger deal of my lunch with my ex and going to the bikini coffee place to make it seem even somehow. As of right now, she is not sure if we are able to stay together because basically I am a lying piece of **** that cheated on her and she does know if she can get over that I went to the coffee place and still doesn't believe me about the girl on social media. Seems upset that I chose not to play around in the couple months we were separated and she did.

So opinions on these topics. Is lunch with an ex on the same level as dating and ex for a couple weeks and having oral sex? If going to the bikini coffee joint the same as cheating? Was not telling me of the second guy she blew on the first night I asked appropriate? Should I be upset that she told me of that after we had sex? Why does she refuse to delete him from her followers list? What is the thoughts of her being on the sugar baby dating site instead of a regular dating site? Why does she think that the separation period should be off limits in conversation? How big a douche bag am i for going to the bikini coffee place? Is she trying to deflect away from her escapades while separated?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Brother, you've got to treat this as a new relationship. And thus, if it gets to hard and squirrelly so quick, save yourself and bail.

You're already on a troublesome marriage forum.

What does that tell you?

It's too easy to want some of the routine comforts but don't do it all over again.

Cut it off.

Good luck. It's the harder path but much better for your future self.


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## Diana7

Good grief. She has cheated twice and yet she blames you for going to that coffee place. Having oral sex is cheating, but I doubt it was just that anyway especially if one of them was sleeping over at her house.
That coffee place sounds seedy and not the place a married men should go to, but it wasnt the same as actually cheating. 
Honestly she sounds as if she has no intention of reconciling as she is still looking for other men. She jumped into bed with 2 other men as soon as you separated, why are you even bothering.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Hey, but it was just oral 😂😂😂.
(Obviously being facetious)


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## sokillme

What are the benefits of keeping this relationship besides at one time a positive shared history?


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## jlg07

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Hey, but it was just oral 😂😂😂.
> (Obviously being facetious)


Ah the old Bill Clinton defense, eh???
The bikini coffee places sounds no different than going to Hooters or similar place. That isn't cheating -- I DO understand how it could upset your wife if you didn't tell her however.
Her getting oral sex or GIVING oral sex to 2 DIFFERENT guys while you were still married, yeah that IS cheating.
NOW she is giving YOU sh*t about what happened that caused the separation and NOT about current stuff?
If she continues to do that, do you REALLY think there is any chance at R?
You may be right that she feels guilty about having sex with others where YOU didn't (so you now have the moral high ground and she resents the hell out of that), but who cares. That is HER issue to work out, and she is actually taking it out on YOU.
Plus you already KNOW she lied to you (about the sugar baby site), so yeah, she did WAY more than oral with those two guys. Are you really comfortable hot-bunking?


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## Galabar01

She had sex with them (and maybe more). You need to move on. Find someone without the baggage.


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## hubbyintrubby

She's projecting the guilt she feels onto you in a severe way. Find a way out, stat.


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## Blondilocks

When you separated did you have an agreement to not date? When you filed for divorce did you have an agreement to not date until the ink had dried on the papers?

When you went to the bikini drive-thru (where do you live?) did you know it would upset her? Are you jealous that she got action and you didn't? What was your intention with your ex? Did you think you could rekindle that relationship (it wouldn't be unusual)?


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## Nailhead

Run.


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## Divinely Favored

WanderLost76 said:


> Don't want to air dirty laundry to friends or family so figured I would pose these questions on here and get some feedback. Will try to be as unbiased as possible since I want honest opinions. Been married 9 years, m oxed family with no mutual kids or property. Marriage the last couple years started to become very distant, sex life fell off, both of us complained of not feeling supported and taken for granted, all the usual stuff. Finally came to a head and we seperated. Separation became angry and after the first week we no longer spoke to each other. Divorce was filed and of course, started to get ugly on both sides, money being the primary cause. At week 11 I sent a message and she finally responded and we agreed to sit down to work out the divorce terms on our own because we were both tired of the attorneys. The 2nd night we met for discussions, we started talking getting back together and ended up going back to her house. I asked "have you been with anyone" and she told me she had been kinda dating an ex and he had stayed at her house a couple times and she let him perform oral sex on her. She claims that was it. That night, we had sex and spoke of reconciliation. The next day in conversation, she told me that there was actually another guy too that she was friends with and she hooked up with and gave a blowjob too abouter 6 weeks after we seperated, claims that is all that happened and stopped there. She refused to delete this guy from her social media since he was a friend since high school and is still on her instagram as I write this. I told her that I saw my ex once for lunch and that was it. She makes it a big deal saying that she didn't sleep with these guys so it's not that big of a deal. Couple weeks later when I asked about dating sites, she told me she had put herself on the sugar baby site "Seeking Arrangements" got a message from someone offering $100 to go to coffee and she panicked and deleted her account. Last night as we were doing some work on her computer together, a new and different email account she had made for this dating site popped up. I didn't know she had it and of course there direct emails on it from a guy on the site sending pics. Seemed to be a little different than the story she told me about getting a message and deleting her profile.
> 
> She has 2 big issues with me right now that keep coming up. First is that last year she found a escort following me on instagram, she swears that i was cheating. I never even spoke to this person and do not know who she is and have even said she should call or message this woman to clear it up. She carries screen shots in her phone and uses it against me in huge fights, I continue to say she should reach out and clear it up. 2nd issue is that during discovery, she noticed on my statement that I went to a local bikini coffee joint a couple times. This is a drive-thru coffee place where the girls working there are dressed in bathing suits. Now, i have acknowledged and agreed with her that I should have told her i went and that was inappropriate of me to go while being married. Again, nothing happened other than getting coffee from this bikini place. She now claims that I went there to hook up and now I am into younger girls because I went there.
> 
> So fast forward to today. Been trying to reconcile for 7 weeks now. Every 2 weeks she is telling me it is not going to work out and asking me to leave, spent last week in a hotel. Main reason being is that she can not trust me and claiming that I cheated when we were together by going to the bikini coffee joint. She sees this basically as no different as cheating with someone and saying that she can no longer trust me because my judgement is now in question. While she has told me some details of what she was doing in the weeks we were separated, she claims that this should l have no bearing on anything as she was in her own house at the time. Her ex was basically sleeping in her bed a week before we reconciled and I started sleeping in it. My stance is that what we were doing while separated is 100% relevant and needs to be discussed if we are to reconcile. The thought of having a 3 month black hole in the relationship with no visibility seems a little unrealistic. My personal feelings are that she is upset that I did not go out dippin *** right away like she did and instead chose to put myself in counseling for a couple months. Now we are reconciling, we have to talk through what we were doing while seperated and she feels bad that she hooked up with multiple people so has to make a bigger deal of my lunch with my ex and going to the bikini coffee place to make it seem even somehow. As of right now, she is not sure if we are able to stay together because basically I am a lying piece of *** that cheated on her and she does know if she can get over that I went to the coffee place and still doesn't believe me about the girl on social media. Seems upset that I chose not to play around in the couple months we were separated and she did.
> 
> So opinions on these topics. Is lunch with an ex on the same level as dating and ex for a couple weeks and having oral sex? If going to the bikini coffee joint the same as cheating? Was not telling me of the second guy she blew on the first night I asked appropriate? Should I be upset that she told me of that after we had sex? Why does she refuse to delete him from her followers list? What is the thoughts of her being on the sugar baby dating site instead of a regular dating site? Why does she think that the separation period should be off limits in conversation? How big a douche bag am i for going to the bikini coffee place? Is she trying to deflect away from her escapades while separated?


You really believe it was just oral sex with these guys, one was an ex...he had hit it before...she had no issue in doing him again. She is not a teenager, have you ever stopped at oral together. I bet she is just getting warmed up at that point. Step away from the Kool-Aid.

She wanted to and screwed 2 guys and is pissed she does not have same to hold over your head. You better not ever go to the beach either...there is alot ob bikinis there.


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## ConanHub

Send her packing. She is a ho and not even capable of owning any of her behavior.

Even if she just engaged in oral sex, still sex BTW and I don't buy that is all, she still considers it not sex?

She still wants to be involved with another man she had sex with?

Cut your losses and throw this one back. She is a bad batch of tuna.


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## ConanHub

Lunch with an ex isn't a great move for a troubled relationship but not on par with even kissing, much less sex.

Going to a coffee stand where girls wear swimwear or tight clothing is not cheating or on par with even talking to an ex.

She is a pathetic mess. Walk away from her and watch from afar as this **** bomb explodes.


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