# Letting someone new in...



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

So, I was with my ex for 12+ years and was very much so in love. We don't hate each other, in fact, we enjoy talking and have to do it under wraps because he has a girlfriend now. We mostly just talk about how we are and whats new in our lives, it very rarely ends up about us talking about each other in the sense of what went wrong...

We separated in Oct 2013 and divorced Jan of 2014. We were still sleeping together and hanging out until June of 2014. 

Right after the divorce was finalized, we were out and were talking and it was like we had this much better understanding of each other than ever before. We were that couple that people hated because we were so happy and just always having fun and laughing.

We got a divorce because of lack of communication which ended up causing anger, and not wanting to work on the marriage.

After we had this discussion about how we understood each other and all that, I think I started to love him even more and now I have this gut feeling that there is unfinished business.

I want to be dating someone else, but I am SO scared to let anyone in because I am afraid of potential heartbreak. I also feel like if I am dating someone for a while, and it doesn't work out, it was a waste of time. 

How do you get to that point of feeling like you can let someone in? I know that I can't be in a relationship if I am still thinking about my ex, but I mean, when the time comes and I've completely let go, how do I let myself be ok with letting someone in?

Sorry this is all so random. I am just trying to write the thoughts that pop up into my mind. Very random, I know.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Are you sure you should not consider getting back together? That's how it sounds to me.....


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

ihatethis said:


> So, I was with my ex for 12+ years and was very much so in love. We don't hate each other, in fact, *we **enjoy talking and have to do it under wraps because he has a girlfriend now*. We mostly just talk about how we are and whats new in our lives, it very rarely ends up about us talking about each other in the sense of what went wrong...
> 
> We separated in Oct 2013 and divorced Jan of 2014. *We were still sleeping together and hanging out until June of 2014*.


The only way you're ever going to be in a position to let someone new in is to stop being the other woman in your ex-husband's life. Have enough self-respect not to agree to continue being there for a man who can't or won't acknowledge your relationship openly. If he's hiding you, then he's lying to her and you're his dirty little secret. Believe that you're worth more than that. Don't hang around being an option for him while he's in a relationship with someone new. 

Were you still "hanging out" and sleeping together when he met the new girlfriend? 

So, basically, you either need to get back together - all the way, openly, publicly - with your ex-husband, or you need to stop having contact with him. Being "just friends" isn't going to work. He's moving on, and you need to be able to as well. Give it some time - like a year, maybe - after you stop contact with him, to figure your own stuff out and get your head on straight, before you start looking for a new relationshp.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Somehow you should try to look at any interactions with another person as just an experience.

I sense that you are assuming that the first person you date will be your next spouse. Unfortunately, that is not realistic and probably won't last.

Experience life. Have fun. Enjoy the people you meet and spend time with.

Life is awesome,
Stretch


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

ihatethis said:


> So, I was with my ex for 12+ years and was very much so in love. We don't hate each other, in fact, we enjoy talking and have to do it under wraps because he has a girlfriend now. We mostly just talk about how we are and whats new in our lives, it very rarely ends up about us talking about each other in the sense of what went wrong...
> 
> We separated in Oct 2013 and divorced Jan of 2014. We were still sleeping together and hanging out until June of 2014.
> 
> ...



From this sounds like he is not being honest in his present relationship. Not to be the devils advocate, was he in yours? With that said, IMHO I would run and run as far as you can. He is basically cheating on his new relationship and you appear to be the "other" Take some time to heal and sort out things so it all seems clear. 

Fyi, after my LTR, I am still sorting it out. However it gets better every day as I move forward. It does get clearer and it does get better. Be strong.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

TBH after reading what you have written here I would suggest you totally forget about letting anyone into your life for some time. Get yourself whole first.

Hanging out and sleeping with your ex husband after divorce screams out insecurity and that you cannot be alone. Until you learn to be at peace with being alone you will struggle to let anyone into your life in a healthy way.

All the best to you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You get no guarantees in life and love. Truth is you will like strike out more than successfully hit one out of the park.

Go slow and steady. Make sure you are comfortable with you and being single before trying to meet someone to fall in love with. Otherwise you won't get far. Take risks but calculate them as best you can

Finally listen to your instincts. People have great ones but are even better at talking themselves out of things


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He is in a relationship, and YOU need to respect that and leave him alone. Stop being his dirty little secret, its totally unfair to the new woman in his life! If he wants to try and R with you, then he needs to break it off with her. Clearly he doesnt respect her...think about that...is that the kind of man you really want??


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

as for the new guy who will appear.... never let the people of your

future pay for the sins committed by the ones from your past.

as for your X.... you and him are FWB. He has a g/f who shares a 

whole lot more than just chats and sex. I'm not saying he is playing

you but if you are content with being Plan B.... go for it! I promise

you won't like it in the end


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## poppyseed (Dec 22, 2013)

ihatethis said:


> it very rarely ends up about us talking about each other in the sense of what went wrong...
> 
> We separated in Oct 2013 and divorced *Jan of 2014*. We were still sleeping together and hanging out until *June of 2014. *


He's move on. (I remember your last thread) You are still stuck in "what's going on, what went wrong, what could I have done etc". But as Dajam says, it gets easier as time goes on.

Eventually, many of us find someone else to love after learning how to love ourselves first again. Ditch the old one, who doesn't want you anymore and moved on. See a Good therapist. Invest in you and your new life, not in an old one which is finished. It's not unfinished. It's an empty shell and don't go there.


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## dajam (Jul 14, 2014)

poppyseed said:


> Invest in you and your new life, not in an old one which is finished. It's not unfinished. It's an empty shell and don't go there.


ihatethis, for me, this is difficult and one of the hardest parts of moving forward. I am a "caretaker" by nature, a very hard habit to break. With that said, My new life is coming along, a slip here and there but always moving forward. I think you will find it really exciting once you accept it.


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