# my wife has turned me into someone i don't think i am



## nathaniel2518 (Oct 30, 2012)

before i met my wife i was an outdoor guy. loved going out. loved surfing, mountain biking, art, playing golf, seeing friends, reading, writing and generally not sitting around watching tv. over the years, and she's not totally to blame, i've stopped just about everything... or if i haven't i virtually have to ask. we have two kids now so my time is somewhat limited but i still always feel like i'm busting to get outside. 

the worst thing is she seems to now suggest i'm lazy. what!!!!! it goes against everything i stand for and it is frustrating as hell. we talked about it and she said she gets jealous that i enjoy my time and seem more excited when i can go and do it than when i'm with her. i get her point which is why i've toned it down over the years. i would love more than anything to have the family come with me or do things similar but the kids are still a bit small (and on has baby asthma) so we have to be realistic. also because i work from 8-6 i feel i have to find time to exercise. i'm just a bit lost. any advice would be really good!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how old are you children? How long have you been married?

Why do people do this? They find someone that they like then marry them and spend the marriage working to destory the very thing they liked about them. And once it's destoryed they go after the person with ... you are lazy, you are boring, blah blah blah

To be fair, as you say, you share the blame in this. You are the one who allowed yourself to get to this point.
The rule in marriage is that a couple should spend about 15 hours a week doing date-like things together, just the two of them. 

After that each person can/should do healthy things on their own or with their spouse if the spouse will join them.

Also find one thing that the two of you can do where you both are learning together... take dance classes or take suba lessons. These are life-long activities you can do as a couple.

Why cannot you do a lot of the things you listed with children? Hiking? Teach your kids to surf. get your kids bikes adn go out iwth them. Kids can learn golf.


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## nathaniel2518 (Oct 30, 2012)

i agree. i am not sure why? she gets her way and she has gotten used to it i think. 

we've been together 8 years and married 1. the kids are close to 4 and 1.5. as i said the little one has a bit of asthma so we are reluctant to take out too much but we need to find a compromise soon!! thats for the advice re the time together and learning together.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Its tough when the kids are little. Life kinda gets put on hold a bit while you wait for them to be old enough to do all those outdoorsy things with you. And having asthma just complicates it.

I suggest you start small. Start with carving out some time to exercise. That will clear your head and will enable you to come up with creative solutions to this problem. Everyone needs time alone away from their spouse and kids. If you don't take care of you how can you take care of them?


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sit down with wife and set up a schedule, then POST IT.

A. Time for US as a couple (hire babysitter, trade w/friends, co-op, gym w/childcare, etc.)

B. Time for WIFE ALONE (if she doesn't want to do it, that's on HER)

C. Time for HUSBAND ALONE

D. Time for family (all 4 of us)

Get back into the things YOU LOVE. When your children are old enough, introduce THEM to the things you love. Encourage wife to try her old favorites, try new things, and find NEW THINGS for you as a couple.

If she refuses, then quit listening to her kvetching...it's all on HER and she can sit home BORED and b1tch to herself!


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Its tough when the kids are little. Life kinda gets put on hold a bit while you wait for them to be old enough to do all those outdoorsy things with you. And having asthma just complicates it.
> 
> I suggest you start small. Start with carving out some time to exercise. That will clear your head and will enable you to come up with creative solutions to this problem. Everyone needs time alone away from their spouse and kids. If you don't take care of you how can you take care of them?


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Each person is different but take back your life!

I get up early each morning to go to the gym before going to work, hubby gets to get up with the baby and take him to day care. In return, he reaps the benefit of a fitter and happier wife without losing any time we can spend together.

Is it possible to go work out or do something before work?

As for things you can do with the kids, go outside, go to the park, find activities you can do together and schedule it. If she chooses not to, go with the kids. They need to learn a healthy and active lifestyle. 

Lastly, plan some nice evenings or afternoons out ALONE, no kids. Try to think of something that SHE will really enjoy - what types of things is she interested in? Make it about each other - we make it a rule that if we're out for alone time, there is no discussion of work or kids. Go back to the kinds of conversations you had when dating.


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## Complexities (Oct 25, 2012)

Slowly start to work at getting yourself back. Ask for some time to do this and if she wants to join you then so be it, on the outdoorsy stuff. Maybe join a hiking group or athletic group that you have to commit to x times per week??


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Had a very similar problem with my H for many years. What finally worked for us was us finding different things to do at the same time. For instance, I schedule some work or a lunch date in a town where he'd like to take a bike ride. We leave together & drive home together, but in between we've both done something we want. There's something of a power dynamic here that needs to be balanced that I don't quite understand, but is there nonetheless.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

I have been in your shoes. I woke up at some point and realized I had stopped doing things I like because my H didn't enjoy them. As for you, these were mostly outdoorsy activities and physical excercise, which my H generally doesn't enjoy.

I actually think the MOST important thing is to first start doing things that _you_ enjoy, alone. Put on your own life vest first, as they say. If lacking physical excercise and outdoor activities is making you feel depressed and angry, you need to get on it, even if it's just 30 min 3 times a week. Release some of that pent-up energy and gain some clarity. _Then_ make plans with your wife to do things together, as well as together with the kids. 

The reason I suggest to do it this way is that you need to get some energy out at first, before you can enjoy the small outdoor activities with which your family can ease into a more active lifestyle. If you've been craving for a 2 hour bike ride or a hard core game of hockey for weeks (years?), you probably cannot enjoy a 20 min walk in the forest with your family and then just sitting down for a picnic. You'll most likely pester them about not being active enough and they will not want to join next time. (I've learned this the hard way so please, learn from my mistakes.)

So: 1) Taking your family and wife into consideration, take up some of those activities you feel like you have let go. Realize that giving them up was a choice. Make another choice. ((Note: as with any training after a long pause, ease into it. Not only for your sake but also your family's, I bet it'll freak them out if you disappear for a whole weekend of surfing when you haven't done it in a decade. So start small but make the most of it.))

2) Make plans with your wife as well as with the whole family to do some of the things you enjoy, taking them and their interests into consideration. Put the kids in a child carrier and bike for an ice cream in a local park/mall. Or take your wife to a free exhibition and dinner afterwards. (And let her hate the art if she wants to, but thank her for coming.) Excite the whole family into a game of hide and seek after dinner. Since you haven't been living an active lifestyle, don't expect wonders, but keep consistently finding ways to be more active inside and outside the house. Most importantly: keep it fun!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Take them out on a family hike. Put the babies into backpack type harnesses, and go walking together.

The family that is active together, stays together.


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