# Sepperated after her affair, She left me... now what



## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

Hi everyone. This is my first post, a little history about us. I'm 28, she's 27. We have been together for 12 years ( with ups and downs) and married since September of this year. She has been having an affair with a guy from her work for the last 3 months. Says only slept together 3 times, let me say one was in our bed. Other in there cars during lunch breaks. Here is how how it begins : I first felt she was being very distant, no sex, no talking, just didn't want to be by me. I love this women with everything I have, I would give her the world if I could. So I decide to check the phone records, "Bam" 3200 text messages between the two. So I confront her," He's just a friend" nothing else. In my heart I don't believe her. Then she tells me shes not happy and say's she Loves me, but looks at me like a friend or brother. Just doesn't feel it with me. Doesnt enjoy sex and no desire with me. So the next morning I decide to look in her emails, Then I see she emailed herself all the text messages. Omg she has never talked to me the way they do. Talked about how in love they are, sex has never felt so amazing, just heart wrenching stuff. So I call her mom, (I'm very close with her parents), her mom calls her into the office and sends her home early. I call the guy, leave a few "angry texts and vmails. Tells her He will call the cops if I dont stop. He's married, I tell him I'm going to tell his wife and so on. Now my problem is I cant Call him out anymore as it puts a problem on her mom as she is a VP of the company(she was supposed to fire them, but didnt due to her daughter.) So now she has moved out of the house to her parents, took my dog and continues to talk to him all day and night long through text message. Now she gave me her word she will not sleep with him again, and her mom is keeping them sepperate at work. I've been Trying to leave her alone beside money related stuff(we own a house and pets together) Now she wont contact or even respond to me. How long should I try and not contact her, I just want to talk to her. She does suffer from bad depression, I know her self esteem is really low, I wish I would of worked harder on it with her. To tell the truth I did cheat 3 years ago, she did not know. I told her when I found out about the texting, just wanted to be honest with her, figured I would try tell her teh truth, thinking I would start a new step in the right direction. She didn't even seem to care. She's been so cold. God I miss her! 





I want this to work, I want her in my life.

I know I have not been the greatest guy but I know I could fix it. I love her and want to spend my life with her.


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## Thjor (Feb 18, 2014)

Do not contact her. Do not plead or beg for her to come home. Work on yourself. Think about you part in the breakdown of the relationship and work on making yourself a better person. She has to find her own way. You will find a lot of posts saying to initiate the 180, I don't have a link but look for it, read it and follow it. It works!!!


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

I know she is confused, I know she still loves me, just doesn't know what she wants. I want it to be me, but mabey I pushed her to far for so long. I just wish she would realize what she is doing, It almost seems like she's not sorry, I dont know


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

It's been one week since I found out about the affair and four days since she left. Im going to look up the 180 plan, Thank you


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

You probably need to move this to the Coping with Infidelity forum. You will definitely have some people there to give you clear direction. 

Contact the wife of the OM. She has a right to know. Do the 180 just to keep your sanity and start to get emotionally under control.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

How to I move this to the other forum?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You cheated on her, she cheated on you... Have you ever considered the idea that you two are better off not being married?

ETA: And I say this non-judgementally. I cheated in my marriage, as well. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

I know I did cheat, but It was 3 years ago, I learned from my mess up that I wanted to be with her. Mabey I'm wrong at saying it, it made my "grass is greener" syndrome go away.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I felt a little bad for you until the you cheated part. Since you didn't see fit to tell her the last 3 years have been based on lies, and I'd be willing bet you pulled away while you were focused on your ow. Besides, relationships that start that young almost never work out because who you are changes so much in your teens and 20's. You don't mention kids so I'll assume you don't have any? Unfortunately while your cheating made have gotten rid of the grass is greener syndrome her cheating may have had the opposite effect. How would you rate the overall quality of your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Tell his wife. Chances are good that he will throw your wife under the bus to save his marriage.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

We Don't have kids, I've felt bad for so long because of what I did. We were so great at one time. This seems to be from the last 6 months, she lost her job and I wasn't being very supportive. I would constantly nag her for her spending and shopping. We never went anywhere due to me B**ching about spending money and such. This in turn pushed her away and made her not want to talk to me. I was mean, I see that now

We have so much in common, we are both very bull headed, Yet I'm always the one to back down to her. 

Our relationship I would call pretty good, up until the last 6 months


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

She did want to have kids, I say'd no. I was being selfish in my own way. I wish I would have, One of the things said between my wife and her Boytoy was they were going to have baby together.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

fastguy85 said:


> I want this to work, I want her in my life..


I think that ship has sailed, I think she is gone.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

We used to have a great sex life, but the last 4-5 yers has been very minimal due to her medication for ocd & depression. Now I can tell you, early in the year when she wanted to have a baby, we were having sex 1-3 times a day, when I said I didnt want one right now, things really quit


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

Do you guys really think I have no chance to bring her back?


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

fastguy85 said:


> Do you guys really think I have no chance to bring her back?


She told you she looks at you as a friend or brother, banged another guy, and left you. How much more do you need to hear? 

Sorry to be so blunt, and I feel for you brother. But it sounds like she is gone forever.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

And when I say I feel for you, I truly do. I'm really sorry you are going through this sh1t.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Your best option is to blow up the affair, first of all. Until you do that, you have no chance. The fact that her mom is sheltering and protecting the affair will make it very difficult. But look in the Coping with Infidelity forum for ideas on blowing it up. 

Once you get things to just the two of you, you can start to work on your marriage issues. But considering you just swept your affair under the rug without even telling her, I suspect the odds of you succeeding are going to be slim, as there's not much honesty between you. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

You right, we've both lied to eachother for years about alot of things, money, feeling. 
Neither of us have been honest to eachother. I feel like I could make it work, I would do anything for her. I want a translucent relationship with her. Kind of a fresh start, yet I dont know whats going on in her head. Mabey she will want nothing to do with me, I wont know till we talk


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

fastguy85 said:


> You right, we've both lied to eachother for years about alot of things, money, feeling.
> Neither of us have been honest to eachother. I feel like I could make it work, I would do anything for her. I want a *translucent* relationship with her. Kind of a fresh start, yet I dont know whats going on in her head. Mabey she will want nothing to do with me, I wont know till we talk


Transparent


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

fastguy85 said:


> You right, we've both lied to eachother for years about alot of things, money, feeling.
> Neither of us have been honest to eachother. I feel like I could make it work, I would do anything for her. I want a translucent relationship with her. Kind of a fresh start, yet I dont know whats going on in her head. Mabey she will want nothing to do with me, I wont know till we talk


So you'll tell her about you cheating on her?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

I did Tell her about me cheating. I told her the next morning of the day I found out about the text messages. That's the day I found out about the actual affair. She seemed like she didn't even care. This was on a thursday. On Saturday we saw eachother, actually talked a little bit, alittle bit about what happend, went to dinner and things didn't seem to bad. She said to me" how can I be mad at you when I did the same thing, mabey her way of trying to mke me feel better about things.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

Now, up until tuesday day we would have a single text her or there. Now nothings, makes me worried it worse or mabey it's cause she's trying to figure out what she wants?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Good on you for telling her about what you did! 

Now like I said, I think the only way to get things back on track is to get rid of the other guy. You won't be able to nice her back. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

I felt so happy when I told her, so much pressure came off me that day, I know that the only way to make him go away, it just the risk of her mom I am worried about.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

What should be my next step, continue to give her the space she needs an see if she decides what she wants?


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

My heart says fight, but after reading here, I know that will push her farther away.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

fastguy85 said:


> What should be my next step, continue to give her the space she needs an see if she decides what she wants?


Your first step should be to call the man's wife.....now.....today. No sense in even thinking about step two until one is completed.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

I've already told you. Expose the affair to the other man's wife. It's really all you have.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

do not give space, that just gives her free reign to get closer to the OM. consult a lawyer, get your stuff together assuming you D. You are going to have to show her that life w/o is worse than your M. 

Expose the A to OMW, your family, her family (if there is anyone who may side w/you), OM work, cheaterville him, etc.


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

She wants kids and you don't. So I don't see you winning her back. That is a really huge choice for two people not to agree on. Do you want her to resent you for the rest of your life?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

fastguy85 said:


> ......my problem is I cant Call him out anymore as it puts a problem on her mom as she is a VP of the company(she was supposed to fire them, but didnt due to her daughter.) So now she has moved out of the house to her parents, ....


Too fawkin bad for her mom.

Step 1 is contact his wife. Simple as that.

Don't bother giving 2 chits about your estranged-wife's mom...that's her problem, not yours. You handle your business. She's making things worse for you by getting in the way of this.

Contact his wife...like RIGHT AWAY


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

intuitionoramiwrong said:


> She wants kids and you don't. So I don't see you winning her back. That is a really huge choice for two people not to agree on. Do you want her to resent you for the rest of your life?


I do want kids, I really do now.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

When she tells you that the sex she's having with the guy who's cuckolding you is the best she's ever had, she's telling you that you will never see her out of her clothes again.
Dump her and look a little more closely at the next one you plan to feed and house at your expense.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Gotta be honest here.....when a woman doesn't even care that you had an affair it's a pretty good sign she's done with you anyway. My ex hb left out some wedding pictures from his first marriage because he knew it bothered me that we got married at the courthouse. I looked at them and felt nothing, that confirmed that I was done with him. I'm not sure what you'd be fighting for here, a woman that doesn't love you? Go on with your life; if she changes her mind she'll call you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

If you want any chance, you HAVE to kill the A.

Screw this POS and his bs threats. Tell his BW ASAP.

That will be the best way to end the A.

If you don't end it between them, he will just continue to F with your M.

Chances are good he will throw your WW under the bus in an attempt to save his own worthless a**.

His BW may insist he leave and find a new job, thus ending the problem with her work.

None of this will happen if his BW is kept in the dark though.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Gotta be honest here.....when a woman doesn't even care that you had an affair it's a pretty good sign she's done with you anyway. My ex hb left out some wedding pictures from his first marriage because he knew it bothered me that we got married at the courthouse. I looked at them and felt nothing, that confirmed that I was done with him. I'm not sure what you'd be fighting for here, a woman that doesn't love you? Go on with your life; if she changes her mind she'll call you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

I'm wondering the same thing, what is he fighting for? She flat out told him that she views him like a brother or friend, and cheated, and left!

I think its time to move on my friend.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I'm wondering the same thing, what is he fighting for? She flat out told him that she views him like a brother or friend, and cheated, and left!
> 
> I think its time to move on my friend.


You think this is the first time we've heard this from a WW???

Get real.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Look, here it is. You call his wife, and kill the affair, then you may have a chance. If you don't call, and don't kill the affair, then you have NO chance. It's that simple.

Ask yourself: How much worse can I really make it than it is now if I make the call and expose to his wife?

Bud, you have absolutely nothing to lose by calling, and potentially something to gain.


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

I just found out this guys wife is a stay at home mom, has Lupus and is pretty Ill . All of this while she take care of the daughter. He is the bread winner. Do you think instead of calling her, I could tell this to my wife and see if she would change her opinion of him?

My brothers wifes best friend is really good friends with her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

fastguy85 said:


> I just found out this guys wife is a stay at home mom, has Lupus and is pretty Ill . All of this while she take care of the daughter. He is the bread winner. Do you think instead of calling her, I could tell this to my wife and see if she would change her opinion of him?
> 
> My brothers wifes best friend is really good friends with her.


What the hell are you afraid of?


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

Or I can have the friend tell the wife, that way I'm in the clear?


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## fastguy85 (Apr 10, 2014)

My wifes mom is her boss. The VP, sense this was an at work matter, she was required to can both of them that day. She did not to save her daughter. Her moms asked me to leave it alone to save her job. Yet, I dont see the affair ending unless I let the wife know. 

I have a good relationship with her parents as we lived together for 6 years. I just dontr want to hurt her mom from what may come from telling the wife.

That why I was thinking if I told my wife the truth about this guy and his wife she might change her mind?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

fastguy85 said:


> Or I can have the friend tell the wife, that way I'm in the clear?


Clear of what? Telling the truth? 

If you want to save your marriage, you're going to need to man up. If you're not willing to do that, then just give up already. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

3putt said:


> You think this is the first time we've heard this from a WW???
> 
> Get real.


I don't know what you've heard. Don't care either. I'm just going by what the OP is saying. 

Sounds to me like like its over.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

fastguy85 said:


> I just found out this guys wife is a stay at home mom, has Lupus and is pretty Ill . All of this while she take care of the daughter. He is the bread winner. Do you think instead of calling her, I could tell this to my wife and see if she would change her opinion of him?
> 
> My brothers wifes best friend is really good friends with her.


For flips sake, can't you follow simple advice?

Contact the OMW now. Don't tell anyone else. Tell her in person, show proof if you have it.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

You need to man up, call the OMW and let her know. The #1 thing you can do right now. The longer you wait the less chance you ever have. Time is of the essence. Like yesterday.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> I don't know what you've heard. Don't care either. I'm just going by what the OP is saying.
> 
> Sounds to me like like its over.


You should do some reading first before offering advice on people's lives and marriages. Going by what the OP is saying is just as asinine at times as going by what the WS says.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Right now the way things stand it is over.

The only way he has a chance is IF he can get the OM to bus toss OP's wife.

The ONLY way he might (and it's no guarentee he would) is if he exposes to OMW. 

It's a 50/50 chance it'll work to snap her out of it but that's the only card he has left to play.

And for whatever reason he seems to scared to do it even though at this point he has nothing to lose.

She's already checked out. He has one chance to try to check her back in. He needs to do it now.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Right now the way things stand it is over.
> 
> The only way he has a chance is IF he can get the OM to bus toss his wife.
> 
> ...


Besides which the OMW should be told, it is unfair to leave her in the dark.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

fastguy85 said:


> You right, we've both lied to eachother for years about alot of things, money, feeling.
> Neither of us have been honest to eachother. I feel like I could make it work, I would do anything for her. I want a translucent relationship with her. Kind of a fresh start, yet I dont know whats going on in her head. Mabey she will want nothing to do with me, I wont know till we talk


yup just a slight problem with that, you banged someone else. You need to tell her..then again that will be the nail in the coffin won't it?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> Besides which the OMW should be told, it is unfair to leave her in the dark.


Good grief why are you afraid to tell the truth?
Tell his wife today!!!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

fastguy85 said:


> Says only slept together 3 times, let me say one was in our bed.


"Only", kissing is grounds for a divorce for many people.

This sounds minimizing.


> I tell him I'm going to tell his wife and so on.


THIS should have been the first thing you did. ALWAYS tell the other BS. That's like rule #1 or something.




> Now *she gave me her word she will not sleep with him* again, and her mom is keeping them sepperate at work.


LOL, she just lied to you my friend, she'll jump his bone the first chance she gets.

She doesn't care or respect you, think she is going to be honest now after all the lies?




> How long should I try and not contact her, I just want to talk to her.


You doesn't want to talk to you, talking to her just digs a bigger hole for yourself.



> She does suffer from bad depression, I know her self esteem is really low, I wish I would of worked harder on it with her. To tell the truth I did cheat 3 years ago, she did not know. I told her when I found out about the texting, just wanted to be honest with her, figured I would try tell her teh truth, thinking I would start a new step in the right direction. She didn't even seem to care. She's been so cold. God I miss her!


You are blaming yourself, I did to and it was the BIGGEST mistake I made. Stop making excuses for her, she knows what she is doing and she is doing it on PURPOSE.

She sees you as the enemy, she will do the OPPOSITE of what you say or want. 






> I want this to work, I want her in my life.
> 
> I know I have not been the greatest guy but I know I could fix it. I love her and want to spend my life with her.


You need to understand you can't fix this, it is out of your hands.

The more you try to fight for your M, the worse things will get for you. You are coming off weak and unattractive by trying to win her back. She knows no man with any self respect would try to win back a cheating wife. 



> I know she is confused, I know she still loves me, just doesn't know what she wants. I want it to be me, but mabey I pushed her to far for so long. I just wish she would realize what she is doing, It almost seems like she's not sorry, I dont know


You are in denial about her motivations. You don't want to accept that this is what she wants and who she is.



> She did want to have kids, I say'd no. I was being selfish in my own way. I wish I would have, One of the things said between my wife and her Boytoy was they were going to have baby together.


Ignore this, they won't be together long enough to plan a family. 80% of A's die the first year, over 90% after 2 years. the few that marry (about 3%) have a 75% divorce rate.




> You are desperate becuase she is rocking the boat and you don't know what to do.


Desperation = mistakes

You need to stop fighting your reality and accept the situation as it is today.

File for a divorce and stop talking to her ASAP. You can't screw up if you don't say anything. Your behavior is actually enabling her affair. She knows she could fall back to you if the A fails which making pursuing the A easier as there is little risk for her. You are basically rewarding her for cheating on you.

If you REALLY want a chance to R you have to make her WANT to R. The only way to do that is attempt to divorce her and go into hiding. She'll come looking for you once it sinks in you are gone.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

BobSimmons said:


> yup just a slight problem with that, you banged someone else. You need to tell her..then again that will be the nail in the coffin won't it?


He did tell her. She shrugged her shoulders. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

And op, every moment you delay gives OM time to work on his wife.

"Hey honey did I tell you about that mad guy at work?"

"I think he done lost his mind, came in and beat some guy up said he was gonna get his family."

"Now he's accusing everyone of having an affair with his wife, don't let him in just in case he turns violent.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You need to expose to OM's wife, in case nobody mentioned that. And why do people harp on this point? Well, if OMW is giving him hell, he will complain to your wife that his life is hard. Your wife has a different opinion. She feels that he ought to be walking on clouds, given what she gave him. To hear that her love has not conquered all obstacles is an insult to her pocket book romance fantasy.

If your wife should hate you for complicating her relationship with OM, then you are improving your chances of R, for hate is better than indifference.

At this point 180 is all you can do. She will either miss you a lot, a little or not at all. It is not in your hands.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

WyshIknew said:


> And op, every moment you delay gives OM time to work on his wife.
> 
> "Hey honey did I tell you about that mad guy at work?"
> 
> ...


Word.

Only shot at winning back wife is to expose. And even then odds are 10% at best. If they are still working together, they will f-ck again. They will just be super-duper careful about it.

What's more important to you - your wife's job or your marriage? 

Anyway it may not even be a fireable offense unless one was a supervisor of the other. Maybe maybe not I don't know. Don't care. Call his wife now. Go ahead we will wait.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

And don't warn your wife that you are going to talk to the OMs wife. All this does is allow her to tell the OM and give him time to warn his wife about some freak who might contact her. 

Just contact her, bring proof if you have it.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Has anyone mentioned that you should clue in the OM's wife? 

DO IT. 

Oh, and please don't have children with this woman for a looong time. Kids won't save this marriage. Integrity might.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

It's almost like the wife pulled a 180 on hubby. She was unhappy, kids vs no kids, spending vs no spending, sex vs. no sex. She moved on for herself without even knowing he was tagging some chick.

NOW he wants her back.

Time to move on. Still young, enjoy single life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

expose to the OM's wife, and file for divorce.

The OM's wife deserves to know.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

3putt said:


> You should do some reading first before offering advice on people's lives and marriages. Going by what the OP is saying is just as asinine at times as going by what the WS says.


I should ignore everything he said and formulate an opinion on something completely unknown to me. Lets ignore the fact that she

1. Lied about cheating 
2. Views the OP as a brother
3. Told him she isn't in love with him and doesn't desire him
4. Told the OM she loves him 
5. F_cked the OM
6. Left the OP

Sound right?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Of course MIL is already poisoned, don't count with her.

And of course the fact she separated them at work means sh1t, they are f'ing like bunnies as we speak. Still "texting"? my a$$.

Friend, you wife is deeply hooked up with this man. It's almost imposible to crack up. The small chance you migh have requires a) filing for divorce ASAP and implementing the 180 and b) OM droppin her like a hot potato which will only happen with full exposure to his wife and relatives.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Omar174 said:


> I should ignore everything he said and formulate an opinion on something completely unknown to me. Lets ignore the fact that she
> 
> 1. Lied about cheating
> 2. Views the OP as a brother
> ...


You should add this:
1. Found out her husband f$cked another woman three years ago.
2. Doesn't care.

To me this is the biggest indicator that she's not invested in him or the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> I should ignore everything he said and formulate an opinion on something completely unknown to me. Lets ignore the fact that she
> 
> 1. Lied about cheating
> 2. Views the OP as a brother
> ...


Okay, let's just suggest that everyone that finds themselves in this position to divorce immediately, don't look back, and go skipping down their brand new yellow brick road to happiness.

1. They lie about EVERYTHING! Kinda hard to pull this off telling the truth, wouldn't you think? Garden variety.

2. They all say that. I you would do as I suggest and read some more you would see for yourself the parallels here. This is NOTHING new to us. Garden variety.

3. Yeah, yeah, yeah....ILYBINILWY. If you would read you would know what it means. Again, nothing new here. Garden variety.

4. Of course she did. They ALL do. Textbook. Garden variety.

5. Uh, well, if she hadn't, he probably wouldn't be here, now would he? Where do you think you are anyway? LOL Again, textbook.

6. Well, if I haven't made my point by now, answering number 6 certainly won't, so I'll cut my losses now and go watch the Masters replay.

Oh yeah, it all does sound about right. We've heard this same crap spewed more times than anyone of us would ever care to remember.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

The first thing you have to understand is you can't win her back, you can't nice guy her back, you can't control anything about her. The only thing you can control is you and that has to be your focus. The 180 is not intended to bring her back, though indirectly it can have an affect as she realizes that you will not remain as Plan B. It is intended to assist you in realizing that you can live without her and that there are consequences to her actions. 

I highly recommend that you see an attorney to determine your legal rights. You don't have to file, but you need to be prepared. I recommend that you print messages and give to OMW, then she can do with them what she wants. She may be helpful she may not, but your wife has to know there are consequences to her actions. Most affairs live in the dark, but when exposed to the light of day, they wither and die. 

In the meantime, you need to go no contact with her except for legal or financial issues. Be direct and to the point. She does not need to know where you are or what you are doing. Exercise will help with the stress and make a healthier you. Reinvest your hobbies or start one you've always wanted to try. Eat healthy and drink only in moderation, you don't want to drunk dial. Church, family, friends, volunteer work are all good investments. She may come back, but you can't be afraid, you are strong and will survive.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

3putt said:


> Okay, let's just suggest that everyone that finds themselves in this position to divorce immediately, don't look back, and go skipping down their brand new yellow brick road to happiness.
> 
> 1. They lie about EVERYTHING! Kinda hard to pull this off telling the truth, wouldn't you think? Garden variety.
> 
> ...


Ok, this is the last time I'm going to address your post. 

A. I don't look at posts as "garden variety" or "textbook". I try to read what the individual person is saying, formulate an opinion, and respond with the best intentions. I completely disagree with your position that there is some formula to handling this, everyone is different. 

B. You don't know me. You don't know what I've read, or haven't read. So please stop suggesting that I keep reading.

To the OP,

My apologies, I shouldn't be bickering on your thread and I now that my suggestion that you move on was a bit harsh. 

You are about the same age as my little brother. And if he were in your shoes, I would tell him the same thing.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

Omar174 said:


> Ok, this is the last time I'm going to address your post.
> 
> A. I don't look at posts as "garden variety" or "textbook". I try to read what the individual person is saying, formulate an opinion, and respond with the best intentions. I completely disagree with your position that there is some formula to handling this, everyone is different.
> 
> ...


Omar, you are obviously quite entitled to your opinion. But you have 13 (as of this moment) posts so I doubt that you have done much reading on this site. 

You could of course be completely right, and there should always be room for alternate opinions.
But time after time the vets here have got thing right and I have seen them predict both the WS and the BS spouses actions well ahead of time.

If you haven't, read some of the old threads, look at Longwalks recent thread about must read threads to get a start. In almost every case list items 1 to 6 have been replicated in each thread.

Not trying to bicker, just trying to point out some of the acquired wisdom.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

fastguy85 said:


> Do you guys really think I have no chance to bring her back?


I don't. Look I'm going to be honest with you. You both have an unhealthy relationship. All this fear is coming from maybe being alone. You cheated and she is banging guys in cars on lunch breaks.....that's not love or commitment. IMHO you need to move on and work on your issues before you ever consider trying to find a healthy relationship again. This is beyond toxic


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

fastguy85 said:


> I do want kids, I really do now.


And please. For all that is holy don't make kids with this woman


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fastguy85 said:


> We used to have a great sex life, but the last 4-5 years has been very minimal due to her medication for OCD & depression. Now I can tell you, early in the year when she wanted to have a baby, we were having sex 1-3 times a day, when I said I didn't want one right now, things really quit


No offense, but why would she want YOU back? You backed out on one of the most essential parts of a marriage - raising a family. 

Aside from that, you've been together since she was a teenager. It's a safe bet she doesn't need that guy who rescued her and now feels confident enough to move on. 

The only way she'll want you again is if she sees YOU going out and living a great life without her. We want what we can't have.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

fastguy85 said:


> My wifes mom is her boss. The VP, sense this was an at work matter, she was required to can both of them that day. She did not to save her daughter. Her moms asked me to leave it alone to save her job. Yet, I dont see the affair ending unless I let the wife know.
> 
> I have a good relationship with her parents as we lived together for 6 years. I just dontr want to hurt her mom from what may come from telling the wife.
> 
> *That why I was thinking if I told my wife the truth about this guy and his wife she might change her mind?*


Not a snowball's chance in - well - you know.

Here's the thing. You are "assuming" that your W does not know the situation with her AP's family. You "assume" that when she finds out from you, she will instantly grow a heart and decide not to interfere any further with her AP, so as not to hurt his BW. That never happens. 

A cheater already feels entitled to whatever gratification the A brings them. A cheater doesn't care about the BS. Even if and when the cheater finds out the AP may have lied (big surprise) about his or her BS, it changes very little because the focus of the cheater is on their AP and not their BS. Thus, you have the "fog" that many speak of here.

Following the advise of others here by exposing the A gives YOU the power to "blow it up" and not HER to continue on take it further underground.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I don't. Look I'm going to be honest with you. You both have an unhealthy relationship. All this fear is coming from maybe being alone. You cheated and she is banging guys in cars on lunch breaks.....that's not love or commitment. IMHO you need to move on and work on your issues before you ever consider trying to find a healthy relationship again. This is beyond toxic



This.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

My man Fastguy, what am I going to do with you. Read your own post Dawg. What does the chick have to do to tell you you're history, put it on a billboard off the interstate. Here's some hints on how to tell if a chick is done with you. 
-When she tells you she thinks for you like a friend. She's done with you.
-When she outright tells you she has no sexual desire for you. She' done with you.
-When she tells another guy that she loves him and he's the best lay she's ever had. She's done with you
-When she doesn't give a rat's azz if you screw every gal on the college varsity cheerleading squad. She's done with you. 

This chick broadsides you, and cast you aside like a used rubber, and your explanation is "she confused". And what do you do? Go running to her mother. "Its like my FIL, CSM (retired) of the 5th Special Forces (Delta Force) would say, "I don't think that boy would hold up 10 minutes in combat".

She's not confused Dawg. She knows exactly what she wants and it ain't you. You can tell the guy's wife, you can expose that the fellows wife is sick and he's doing wrong by her or the like. The problem is that she lost love and desire for you before the other guy came along getting rid of him ain't gonna bring her back. Time to saddle up and ride off into the sunset. Your work on this ranch is done.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He cheated on her first, and never told her. He does not want kids and she does. Why should she go back?

Accept that it is over and move on, OP.


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## Stevenj (Mar 26, 2014)

ThePheonix said:


> My man Fastguy, what am I going to do with you. Read your own post Dawg. What does the chick have to do to tell you you're history, put it on a billboard off the interstate. Here's some hints on how to tell if a chick is done with you.
> -When she tells you she thinks for you like a friend. She's done with you.
> -When she outright tells you she has no sexual desire for you. She' done with you.
> -When she tells another guy that she loves him and he's the best lay she's ever had. She's done with you
> ...


Totally correct. You need to detach emotionally. Another twist on this one though is that he works in the same business as the family. How hard would it be to detach from your job too?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your old lady is entitled....ya she is I titled the phuck you over, now the question is will you tolorate it?

Chicks dig confident guys.

Stop sharing your old lady and just let her go... It might save your marriage...or you can beg and cry and push her further away.

I haven't been here long and don't have many post but I do know you need to show your old lady that she ain't the only slit in town and diserve more the then scrap she is giving you.

I have feeling your old lady knows you ain't going any were no matter what crap she serves you....it time to prove her wrong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

FastGuy

Congratulations! You and your wife have blown up your marriage.

You have both cheated on each other and now she is gone.

Your wife wanted kids, you did not and now that she is gone you want them??? You think that will bring her home???

The answer is no.

Honestly, I think you should file for divorce. If you guys have been together so long and married for so short a time I would say your grand experiment has failed. 

You cheated on each other.

Get the D papers online and send them to her with a note:

*Dear Wife,

We have failed each other. We have cheated on each other and now you have given up on "us".

So you have left me with no other option but to end our marriage.

Divorce takes time. If you feel differently then by all means communicate with me. You know where "we" live.

But please understand this:

I do love you.
I do want our marriage. But only a marriage between us.
No 3rd parties.

If you do not feel the same way then sign the papers and return them.

I do not want "I do not know how I feel" answers.

I want an honest answer. From you.

FastGuy*
That is what you need to do my friend. Make a plan and stick with it. 

Act like the man you want to be.

Good Luck

HM


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, you need to tell the OMW. She has a right to know what's going on in her marriage. If the shoe was on the other foot and she had information to tell you, wouldn't you want to know?

Do not warn anyone that you're going to do this, just do it. If you give warning, then the only thing you're doing is giving them enough time to come up with a viable and believable story to tell the OMW. That you're crazy and upset the your wife left you and are looking for someone to blame or some crap like that.

Once you inform the OMW, if your wife was ignoring you then, guarantee she'll be blowing up your phone after! Will she be mad? YEP! Will she say stuff like "I WAS going to give you a chance, but not after the stunt you pulled" Ignore it. They will tell you the most hateful stuff too, just to hurt you. Like, he was so much better in bed, he bigger than you are...blah...blah... Ignore it.

What you don't realize is that exposing to the OMW, your WW will see how fast the OM will throw her under the bus to save his own ass. So much for undying love! She'll realize that the only thing she was to him was a piece of ass. 

OR

The OMW will throw the OM out and the OM and your WW will start living together. But, life won't be easy for them. She'll take him to the cleaners. And if that happens, what's the worst of it? She'll start sleeping with him and start share a bed with him and leave you? Oh wait...that already has happened.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

FastGuy, you are a human toilet, gulping down all the **** life throws at you. She is gone and her mental issues, and her cheating ways make reconciliation a very very bad thing. Be glad it won't work because what you are really missing is a fake woman you transpose into your wife. It's all fake.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> Be glad it won't work because what you are really missing is a fake woman you transpose into your wife. It's all fake.


 If she is a fake, what does that make him? 

Your marriage is done, your MIL is telling you to back off to protect your wife's job and you cheated firstl. Cut your losses, go get counseling, fix yourself, find a different woman and don't screw it up next time.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> If she is a fake, what does that make him?
> 
> Your marriage is done, your MIL is telling you to back off to protect your wife's job and you cheated firstl. Cut your losses, go get counseling, fix yourself, find a different woman and don't screw it up next time.


It makes him a man that settles for the crumbs found in a dirty toilet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

WalterWhite said:


> It makes him a man that settles for the crumbs found in a dirty toilet.



Interesting. By that logic she's been drinking dirty toilet water for the last three years since he f$cked another woman. 
Just sayin.
I think that neither one is good marriage material at this point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Interesting. By that logic she's been drinking dirty toilet water for the last three years since he f$cked another woman.
> Just sayin.
> I think that neither one is good marriage material at this point.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, you got my point. Anything negative she is, concerning cheating, he is as well.


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