# Is it possible to get over this kind of humiliation?...



## littledevil83 (Apr 16, 2010)

Last month, I organized a baby shower for my best friend since kindergarden (I'm 22) and paid like $500 on decorations, food, cake, ect. I was really happy for her because I'm unable to have kids as far as what the doctors have told me, but I'm still a virgin so I guess we won't know 100% quite just yet. lol

Anyways, she's unmarried and the baby's father was never something that we'd really talked about. I didn't want her to get upset or anything I just said that night or day I'd be ready when she was ready to talk about it. We're both cops and we work in a pretty tightly knit department of 90% men...so naturally we leaned on each other for support when we needed someone.

My co-workers kids had been screwing around with the baby monitors and forgot to turn them off and when I got up to start a baby game we heard her talking with a guy about the baby. I'd immediately recognized the voice as my fiance of 5 months and it broke my heart. He said stuff like 'I dont know why I waste my time with a b*tch that can't even have kids' and 'who the hell would wanna be with someone like that', and saying that he wanted to break off the engagement because of it. 

The real kicker? It's his kid. Apparently, they'd been sleeping together on and off since we'd been together. I feel like such a damn idiot! I looked for ALL of the signs that you'd look for and it never once came up! Whenever they talked it was never anything suspicious, whenever we all were together the behaved normally...and on top of all of this I have to deal with facing the 30-40 coworkers that heard that a*shole and now know about the whole babyless thing...I feel so useless...


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Why are you not confronting them both? And you have to want out of this. And what humiliation? You are better than both them. They should be the ones that are humiliated. I feel sorry for the people of your town, with 2 people like this, their own selfishness proves they care about no one but themselves.


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

OMG, what losers! Wow, I'm really sorry for what you are going through, but if there is any positive in this it is this: you found out BEFORE you married this sorry excuse for a man. Did you confront her at the shower? Have you confronted him yet?

As far as the humiliation, it is THEM who should be humiliated. You have done nothing shameful. IMHO, they are the ones who should be ashamed, not you. 

Remember this, just because you may not be able to have children of your own does not mean that you cannot be a Mother someday. Hang in there hon.


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## littledevil83 (Apr 16, 2010)

Thanks for the support  Confronted not necessarily...I knew if I allowed myself to blow up and lose it at them that it was gonna make it even worse on myself. But in all honesty, I don't know whats worse, losing my best friend and believing that she was capable of this or my fiance who I thought I was in love with. But believe me I AM VERY THANKFUL I found out about this before the wedding...which was about three months ways...this whole thing really killed my hope in relationships...but all of my co-workers have been pretty supportive...which helps 

After the whole thing had gone down, the room pretty much fell silent and I froze up with the only noise echoing in the room was their voices on the monitor and a superman action figure being demolished by a three year old. They came down stairs about two minutes after he said that last bit and saw how quiet the room was and knew that we must've heard them talking. I had grabbed my purse and keys and left. I didn't have my car there because it was in the shop so I wound up walking around in the rain for a long time which helped calm me down.

I got back to my place at like 11pm and found my partner and best friend, Don at my doorstep with a cut on his knuckles. Apparently, after I left my fiance tried to come after me (I have no frickn clue why he would after everything he'd said...) and Don stopped him and told him that if he came near me again he'd knock him on his a*s...well apparently he didn't listen. And if there's one person that you don't mess with its Donnie lol The guy is 6'6, all muscle, ex-marine, and definately has the physical capability to mess someone up. Plus he's extremely protective of me which is a plus lol but i doubt anyone really knows the guy is a teddy bear  He's been my one solid rock though this whole thing. 

But he's hit a hard time too recently cuz his brother (whose also a really good friend of mine) got sent overseas and the ex-girlfriend of his brother pretty much dropped the bomb on him that she had a baby a few weeks ago and wants nothing to do with the little one. So Don had taken in Baby Ava until her dad gets back home and we've recently decided to move into an apartment together since it would be easier on him (and me). 

My ex fiance was also a cop but for a different department so i guess it could've been worse. As for not being able to have a baby, it's been rough. I catch myself looking at happy mothers with their babies and I wanna cry. There has been more than enough times were I've cried myself to sleep knowing that theres a good chance of not being able to get pregnant, but for now I find much comfort with Donnie and my little Ava. :*)


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Oh honey! That level of deceit is staggering. A total double betrayal. 
You are right that thank God you found out what he is really like before you married the s.o.b. As for her, not a friend. Not even close. She couldn't get a man of her own so she poached yours. God, that chaps my ass. 
You will survive this, although you probably don't feel like that right now. You sound very strong and wonderful.


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## littledevil83 (Apr 16, 2010)

You're such a sweetheart, thank you!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Food for thought...I was also told I couldn't have children. I have two, ages 17 and 12. No IVF or hormones needed. Fibroid tumors my entire life. I am also adopted. I wanted to adopt given my belief that adoption is an amazing thing. Life had a different plan for me. Children are children. They are still your children regardless if you had them naturally or through adoption. If you want to be a mother you will be a mother. Don't let ANYBODY tell you otherwise. In fact, as an adopted child I feel really special. I was picked. Selected. I didn't just happen in to my parents lives. They chose me. Pretty cool and it makes them the best parents and my Mom is MY MOM. Again, food for thought.


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## littledevil83 (Apr 16, 2010)

I have to say that your perspective on adoption really touched me :*) i do still have hope that I'll have a baby one day but Don kind of walked in on me bawling the other night and we had a long talk about it. 

My biggest fear is that my ex-fiance would just be the start of it. I've heard of men not being interested in women because they want to have children of their own (kind of a 'spread their seed' thing I guess)...Don said that while that may be true for some men it's definately not true for all. He said that if a man truely loves you that he would love all of you whether or not you can have biological babies of your own.

But I had a boyfriend before my ex-fiance and it was about a week after he found this out from my friend that he broke up with me. I guess that insecurity is definately something I need to work on...


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Any man who insists on "spreading his seed" as though it is somehow special is not worth having. 

If, when the time comes, you want to carry a man's baby, you can use borrowed eggs. A sister or good friend makes a decent donor if they can let go of the idea that the baby is "theirs," or you can find an anonymous donor. 

Having said that, I have both bio and adopted children. Both are miraculous ways to form a family. Too many people have expectations of what their bio kid will be like, so it's refreshing to see adoptive parents just marveling in who their child is, without all the expectations. I'm lucky to see all my kids in that way--I take such joy in watching them blossom. 

Keep your head up high. NO ONE aware of what happened would ever think that this was anything about you--they will realize what awful people your fiance and "best friend" are. They will see what kind of person you are by the fact that you refused to accept any b.s. from these two liars, and you walked away. These two do not deserve one moment of your attention. Someday you may just pity them, but don't worry about that now. Take care of yourself, emotionally, and enjoy that little Ava. Think of her as a niece, and you will understand all the joy a child can bring even if she is not "yours." How great that you and Don can share an apartment to make Ava's life fuller. Don't jump into anything new with Don or anyone else right away, though! Give yourself time to get used to being independent and then you will enter your next relationship from a position of strength, not weakness, and the relationship will have a much stronger base. God bless and keep you safe on the job.


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

Well I think you handled it amazingly well. It's good to hear that you have a wonderful friend and supporter through these hard times. Who knows, maybe you can help Mother Ava...? God does work in mysterious ways. Also, I think God has just the man for you, one who will be willing to adopt - or better yet, we'll just pray for a miracle so you can have your own someday - or both!!


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Lemme at'em! LOL
I'm sorry that happened to you but as everyone said, you should not be humiliated. And yes, you will survive this and come out shining. Wonder how long they expected to keep their secret. Surely they knew you'd have to find out about the baby some day? They deserve each other, and neither of them deserved you. Good riddance to them both.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Little,
I agree that any man who thinks that you having his "seed" as the main priority is ****ed up. Wrong. Totally wrong. Having a child with YOU is what is important. Parenting isn't about if the child is his biological child or adopted. It's about doing what is best for the child and loving that child as a couple. You are strong. You will move on. You will accept no less than the loving relationship that you DESERVE.


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## littledevil83 (Apr 16, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> Don't jump into anything new with Don or anyone else right away, though! Give yourself time to get used to being independent and then you will enter your next relationship from a position of strength, not weakness, and the relationship will have a much stronger base. God bless and keep you safe on the job.


Thank you for the wishes and warm support! 

I have no intention of pursuing anything. In all of my relationships, I was the one that pursued but for once i want to be the one who feels wanted. I've known Don and his family for quite a while, but we'd actually grown up pretty much hating each other. (I was the little girl wearing the pig tails and he was the one cutting them off...true story lol) 

But when I came back from college and he was done with the service it seemed like everything changed between us. I never allowed myself to consider it before because i was in a relationship and would never dream to disrespect a significant other like that (regardless of how much of a b*stard he turned out to be). I could never hurt someone like that since I've been cheated on in every relationship I've been in...one of the downsides of being a virgin till marriage 

I must say though that this whole experience has been amazing...both negatively and positively. The negative being obvious...but being 'on my own' again is a breath of fresh air. Even now with juggling Ava, work, and everything else I must say that I've never been more relaxed and i'm finally taking the time to do stuff that I never would've before. Me and Ava are doing Mommy/Baby yoga in the morning which is absolutely awesome and she seems to really enjoy it! Don was getting ready for hockey practice today and he saw us on the living room floor, grinned and shook his head.

We had an interesting experience tonight though. After his practice, all three of us went grocery shopping and I was holding Ava while Don pushed the cart. A lady smiled at us and said that we had such an adorable daughter. Don just kind of looked at me and smiled but i had mixed feelings about it. I was surprisingly SHOCKED at my liking the idea of having a family with him and that he didn't even deny it. Absolutely shocked. But the whole baby thing kept eating at me. But I must admit that spending time with Ava is making me realize that even though you may not be a birth mother doesn't mean that you can't have that special bond with a baby. 

Don knows i need my space right now and respects it thoroughly. He admitted that he hadn't been with anyone emotionally or intimately over five years, which I believe since his younger brother teases him about it regularly. But anytime we have a 'moment' he always pulls away and I can't help but feel a 'gravitational pull' to that man. The only thing that somewhat bothers me is his over-protectiveness but then again I understand where he's coming from since we're both cops. 

He's changed quite a bit since we started living together. I go to church regularly and often take Ava with me and let him sleep in, but one morning we were getting ready and here, Don yelled up the stairs to see if WE were ready to go and teased us that it's always the females that hold up the men lol. Don's family is religious and he is too, but was never much of a church-goer. I can't help but feel eyes on us when we go together because we have quite a few co-workers that attend church with us. I don't think it's a bad thing because they know us both pretty well...its just weird that i catch them smiling...I don't know lol One day at a time


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