# No effort on his part, I am tired of trying



## Bambammom (Jan 27, 2021)

I’m new here, I’m just tired of my marriage. I put in the effort 100% of the time, he can hurt my feelings and it’s always up to me to repair it with him. We have been married 7 years, together 10 years. He wasn’t like this before we got married but after the honeymoon he changed completely, started ignoring me. I used to cry and beg him for attention emotionally and sexually, he could care less, he goes in periods where he pays attention to me then does not but the issue is when he stops it’s for months all while I’m upset and begging again, I’m embarrassed and my self esteem has tanked to nothing. I caught him watching porn and taking care of himself then I found him talking to a female coworker after we had our baby, I had serious almost death complications from delivery and was down for 3 months he was probably cheating but I will never know because he never talks, when I try to talk to him he reminds me of all the things I have done to upset him and turns it into a huge fight, which I have to patch up. His family is never wrong even when they have done some HORRIBLE things to me and my daughter in his face, he has torn me and my daughter to shreds, if we say one thing about them or what they said/did (he wasn’t like this before marriage at all). About 4 days ago I waited for him to get home from work at 12am and had a nice dinner waiting to eat a quiet dinner while the kids were asleep, he played on his phone the whole time then was yelling at me about our sons teacher, we are still in distance learning. He hurt me because I feel like I am the only one trying I do everything in regards to dates, romance and solving issues. I haven’t said a word to him in 4 days! He hasn’t said anything at all either other than a text yesterday that said “I’m sorry” and sent flowers to me while he was at work today. It’s just not enough anymore. I feel like I hate him, I don’t love him I know that. He has threatened to take my kids, this is my house under my name I kept my house from my previous relationship, he refuses to leave. I don’t know what I would do anyway I am a stay at home mom, never had a real job, that’s my fault I am just stuck, hurt and miserable. 
I could list WAY more things but this is already long enough, I am not innocent in this relationship but I am the only one trying.
I want a divorce but he won’t leave


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Don't think the crying and begging ever work. You can definitely make your needs clear but it sounds like you have mentally checked out of the marriage. Have you tried counseling together?

When you say "talking to a coworker" what kind of conversation are we talking?

When you say he has done horrible things to you and your daughters, can you give us a little detail? Did he say something to them? Just trying to understand if you are talking abuse, or that he just argues with you and your daughters a lot? That would effect what arrangements you want to make regarding living arrangements and custody and so forth.

Recommend you go see a lawyer regarding the house and kids so you know what your rights and his rights are. You can't force him to leave while you are married I don't think, but you can file for divorce. Did you have a prenup?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You don't need his permission to get a divorce. Have you spoken with an attorney to see what your options are and what a divorce would realistically look like for you?

An attorney can tell you if that house is still really "yours" from a legal standpoint. If he's put money into paying the mortgage, taxes, upkeep, or repairs/renovations, then it may legally be considered a marital asset. Or you may owe him for any increase in equity between the time you married and the time you divorce. 

How did you support yourself between that "previous relationship" and marrying your husband? If you were living on alimony/support from your prior marriage until you remarried, then you should not expect to be able to do that again. So, start by either getting a job or getting some training that will lead to a job. You'll need money to live on after your divorce and most states will not award anything like lifetime alimony.


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## Bambammom (Jan 27, 2021)

joannacroc said:


> Don't think the crying and begging ever work. You can definitely make your needs clear but it sounds like you have mentally checked out of the marriage. Have you tried counseling together?
> 
> When you say "talking to a coworker" what kind of conversation are we talking?
> 
> ...


I have tried to talk to him in a calm manner he just literally doesn’t respond which leads to the crying etc. It’s so frustrating. When it comes to me and my daughter (my child with my ex) if we happen to say anything his family has done/said he starts yelling at her about how she just hates his family but he lets me know what a ****ty person I am and how they are much better than me and my family. He has never been physically abusive and has raised my daughter since she was a baby, she looks at him as her dad, he sees her as his daughter. 
The co-worker and him were getting ready to start a relationship so I would say it was emotional maybe physical already before I intercepted it but I tried to ask and talk to him, he said nothing then flipped and started yelling at me about having a baby and getting sick directly after so I can’t pay attention to him he will find it elsewhere, that was it. Can’t have a decent conversation with this guy.
The house is still under mine and my ex’s name, my ex pays 3/4 of the house still which is considered child support, my husband pays 1/4. Upkeep is up to my ex, since my husband is extremely lazy and won’t do anything to help out. My ex, my husband and I have a great relationship, he helps out a lot. 
no prenup, I probably should have but he was SOOOO different before we got married. 
my ex sister in law is a lawyer, I guess I was just embarrassed to admit another failed relationship.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Why did your first marriage end?

And how long did you know your current husband before you two married?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Just because you haven't been working doesn't mean you can't work. He should have 50/50 joint custody so that you both have equal time with the kids through the week and on the weekends. And that way you can work but you'll both have to work out your own schedules to take care of the kids and be responsible for any child care that must take place while each of you is working. It would be great if you had someone you could move in with and split bills with but if you don't you'll just have to get a small place. You might find some other single mother. But what you need to do now is start working doing something and putting some money away.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Bambammom said:


> I feel like I hate him, I don’t love him I know that. He has threatened to take my kids, this is my house under my name I kept my house from my previous relationship, he refuses to leave. I don’t know what I would do anyway I am a stay at home mom, never had a real job, that’s my fault *I am just stuck, hurt and miserable*.
> I could list WAY more things but this is already long enough, I am not innocent in this relationship but I am the only one trying.
> *I want a divorce but he won’t leave*


The parts I bolded are WRONG...you have several options, you are just feeling hopeless and bullied right now. But YOU are still in control of how your life goes and the choices you make! You just have to start making DIFFERENT choices if you want things to change. 

You are NOT stuck, it only feels that way. Start by contacting a lawyer TOMORROW about how to get him to leave the home, and about how to get child support from him. Do you have family who can step in to help you if you need it? You need to start thinking about what life without him will be like, and start preparing for that by lining up what you need.

But you need to take action - no more moping around about how awful things are! You don't love him, he is clearly unloving and uncaring towards you. It's time to take steps towards making a life for yourself where you feel happy and have people around you who ARE loving and caring towards you!!


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