# What % of long time married...actually get back together?



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Any data or thoughts/opinions once separated after long term marriage actually get back together?

Me 30+ years married.....became roommates....separated 3 weeks...

Don't believe theirs a EA or PA but in reading here I guess you never know.... 

Just curious...been a tough few weeks....keeping my distance for now....civil but distant...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separation usually leads to divorce. It's hard to fix a marriage if you are not together.

There is something called a structured separation. These are different because a counselor is mediating them, you sign an agreement that covers things like what the goals are, what you will work on, how the bills will be paid, whether or not you both can date, etc.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Any links to that....?


----------



## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Bluntly honest response based on life experience about less than 1%. That <1% is the exception and most certainly not the norm. The norm is actually divorce like Ele stated.

What answer were you hoping for?


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Not looking for the answer that I want....lots of peeps here have more knowledge than I do so I just want to be realistic on the outcome on the future....my gut is telling me this is bad/over...but we have a house...etc together that I don't feel like losing before I/we can get out from....


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

https://usatoday30.usatoday.com/new...marital-separations-end-in-divorce/54790574/1


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you want to improve your odds of getting back together, get the book "Surviving an Affair". Don't know if there was an affair, but much of the book applies even if there was no affair.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

That link is eye opening don't like it but thank you....Thanks for the info about the book....I'll check it out....I'm guessing I should do a 180 and keep a low profile for now....


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ZedZ said:


> That link is eye opening don't like it but thank you....Thanks for the info about the book....I'll check it out....I'm guessing I should do a 180 and keep a low profile for now....


Complacency is the enemy. But, strength is attractive - not supplication.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did you leave your home? Where are you living right now?

What do you think that the 180 is going to do for you?


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

No she left I'm in the house...I think for now it best to keep a low profile and just keep some distance...


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZedZ said:


> No she left I'm in the house...I think for now it best to keep a low profile and just keep some distance...


The purpose of the 180 is for a betrayed spouse to follow until their cheating spouse agrees to end the affair and recover the marriage.

Now it can help if in other situations when a person is being an emotional basket case and begging, crying, and doing all kinds of drama... and so the part of it to pull back and stop the begging, crying, etc helps.

Read the book I suggested. The book talks about Plan A and Plan B. Plan B is like the 180. Plan A is what you do before you give up.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

I don't think either of us have completely giving up yet...neither one is a basket case yet....just a odd situation to say the least....I will download and read the book...I don't think we are a the cheating spouses stage....but I just want to have my eyes 100% open...Thanks for your input....Got some hard decisions coming up....


----------



## JBTX (May 4, 2017)

ZedZ said:


> I don't think either of us have completely giving up yet...neither one is a basket case yet....just a odd situation to say the least....I will download and read the book...I don't think we are a the cheating spouses stage....but I just want to have my eyes 100% open...Thanks for your input....Got some hard decisions coming up....




I'm gonna tell you right now that keeping your distance and doing some stuff for you is the best thing you can do. 

You can get wasted every night and scream at the walls of your garage, like I did for two months or you can man up and start taking care of yourself. Go do something awesome that you want to do. Don't do anything that will make you a jerk or that you will regret. Do something out of character. You will be proud of yourself. Go hang out with friends. Don't tell her you are going to hang out with friends. Don't initiate contact with her. Don't ask her anything. Where she is. How she is doing. Anything. Do not initiate contact unless it is pertinent to functionality or pertinent to the care of children. 

I made all of these mistakes. And as soon as I got my crap together I felt so much better about myself.

Also. Delete or deactivate your social media. This did wonders for me. When she asked me about deactivating my social media, I told her that it was a distraction and I'm better off not being on social media.

Good luck!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

just checking back...thanks for the replies....keeping a low profile this weekend and keeping my distance...she may want to come over Sunday to get some of her stuff....I'm on the fence about that right now.......weather says its going to sux....but we will see..

JBTX...we seem to have a lot in common....thanks for the insight....


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ZedZ said:


> just checking back...thanks for the replies....keeping a low profile this weekend and keeping my distance...she may want to come over Sunday to get some of her stuff....I'm on the fence about that right now.......weather says its going to sux....but we will see..
> 
> JBTX...we seem to have a lot in common....thanks for the insight....


Strongly consider putting her stuff in temporary storage and telling her where to pick it up.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

May be me...but that seems overkill for some clothes...we already talked that no furniture TV's ect are leaving now...if and when we sell we can figure it out then....

IDK....maybe your right....


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

ZedZ said:


> May be me...but that seems overkill for some clothes...we already talked that no furniture TV's ect are leaving now...if and when we sell we can figure it out then....
> 
> IDK....maybe your right....


Do it.

It will feel scary at first, but you'll love the look back from the mirror.

Time to start standing up.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ZedZ,

It would be wise to go online and check your phone bill. Just a precautionary check to make sure you know what you're dealing with.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Just checking in....I cancelled Sundays removal project....was ugly (by text...told her to call) anyways told her what the NJ statues are and I didn't make them....her 50% comes once the martial household is sold....she can come anytime to pick up her personal items, hygienic, medical items or critical business/work items...other then that we will settle up once the martial household is sold....


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

still like this post....calling it a night....


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Sounds like shes done. I'd prepare for divorce. No effort on either part to reconcile!


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

ZedZ said:


> Just checking in....I cancelled Sundays removal project....was ugly (by text...told her to call) anyways told her what the NJ statues are and I didn't make them....her 50% comes once the martial household is sold....she can come anytime to pick up her personal items, hygienic, medical items or critical business/work items...other then that we will settle up once the martial household is sold....


And that's why lawyers get rich off divorces….

ZedZ I know you are emotionally struggling right now but why make the break up contentious? Sure you can throw legalities at her and try to punish her for leaving but for what point? Will that make her want to come back home? No. Will that make her respect you? No. Will that make the divorce more amicable? No No No. If she was willing to leave her home she isn't going into separation to heal the marriage she is escaping from you, or running to someone new. Regardless…separation usually spells the end, it's just a baby step to divorce. 

Whats the harm in letting her come get some personal items? Or maybe some house hold nick/nacks? Or the chair from the rec room? Maybe if you're nice now she won't stick you with life time spousal support.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah, separation is generally the prep time for a divorce. You don't interact with each other. You are "married" but not together. Generally, it means open season for dating. 

So to you... go play ball.

With that said, a friend of mine married a guy buddy of mine. After less than 2 years, they were separated. He dated others + sex / she dated others + sex. I think it lasted about 1~2 years. They did get back together, about 6 years ago and still together. That would be an exception.


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Just stopping in...no news...some bill paying logistics issues...going to keep silent with a low profile....but life needs/has to to go on....on my part...
Told her I really don't want her in here but if she needed some of her personal/hygienic items Id pack them up and she can pick they up somewhere...neighbor(couple of blocks away) told me he wont have an issue being middle man...not sure on that yet...


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

ZedZ said:


> Just stopping in...no news...some bill paying logistics issues...going to keep silent with a low profile....but life needs/has to to go on....on my part...
> Told her I really don't want her in here but if she needed some of her personal/hygienic items Id pack them up and she can pick they up somewhere...neighbor(couple of blocks away) told me he wont have an issue being middle man...not sure on that yet...


Good.....That's the way to handle it....


----------



## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Betrayedone said:


> Good.....That's the way to handle it....


Send the message you're fine without her.

Any sort of contact at this juncture is counterproductive. Go cold turkey


----------



## ZedZ (Feb 6, 2017)

Checking in....everything "seems" calm...low profile no contact....did reach out to my lawyer yesterday....told me to take it easy at this point....got a Nor'easter coming in tonight/Sat...was hoping to get out for awhile to do something (meetup) ....Still babysitting my elderly Mom....looking at options....nothing promising at all so far...

Stay dry....may need a boat....Enjoy the weekend...

Happy Mothers day to all....

Zed


----------

