# How can a man ask a woman out if he does not have much money? Hypothetical question



## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

I am a married women... so that question is only of theoretical interest for me.

On serveral occasions however I happened to meet men who had this problem. In order to be able to give them better advice next time I would be happy if you evaluated the tipps I usually give them.

1) find a woman you like - that's obviously important 
2) try to find out a little about what she likes 
3) ask her out for a coffee or an icecream or something else that does not cost the world
4) Unless she is a feminist: You pay - do not fuss about it
5) talk with her about nice things, funny things
6) do not talk with her about your lack of money, how your parents did you wrong, how the world treats you unfair, how you are underappreciated, illnesses and so on 
7) before my husband kissed me the first time he asked me if he was allowed to do that. I think that this was so sweet
8) Another sweet thing he did: he gave me his coat when I was cold. It does not cost anything. Figure out if she is a feminist before you do it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

What does being a feminist have to do with any of this? Do you think that feminists don't like thoughtful men?


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Holland said:


> What does being a feminist have to do with any of this? Do you think that feminists don't like thoughtful men?


I have been told that they do not like men to treat them any different then they treat their buddies.

By the way I would be happy for your additions to the list.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Be kind. Be thoughtful.
Be positive and happy. Don't complain. Be the kind of person that people enjoy being around.
Bake a homemade dessert and surprise her with it. When we were dating, my husband made me a pie from scratch, not frozen :smthumbup: We still talk about that pie sometimes.  I think even feminists enjoy baked goods.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

IMHO how much money you have / earn should not impact your ability to date.

It will affect the types of dates you go on and the amount of time it takes you (if the relationship is working) to save up the funds to start a life together.

My eldest daughter (now 18) has been dating her boyfriend for just over a year, as she is still in full time education and he is a apprentice electrician they do not have the money to go on expensive date / holiday alone together let alone start thinking about living independently of their respective parents (this is fine by me as I would soon my daughter finishes her degree course before settling down).


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

No money is not an excuse, prior to marriage I was in and out of work and mostly worked part-time with just enough to pay the rent and support myself yet I still had plenty of action. Tell your friends to focus on who they are and what they have to offer rather than to gauge their own worth by the size of their wallets.

Just my two cents


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

I'll make tea said:


> I am a married women... so that question is only of theoretical interest for me.
> 
> On serveral occasions however I happened to meet men who had this problem. In order to be able to give them better advice next time I would be happy if you evaluated the tipps I usually give them.
> 
> ...


Some of us men do not think its always the mans responsibility to pay
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

In my opinion being broke could build a better relationship. It's going to be more about quality time and less about expensive entertainment and meals. 

There are always parks. Take her to a park with a picnic lunch. Our area has a small free zoo too. 

If you can cook, you can always cook her dinner and rent a movie from Red Box (did this a lot with my wife)

There are endless ideas, just need to think outside the box. Cheep dates could also weed out the materialistic types who just want to see how much money your able to spend on them. You don't want to end up married to that type anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Cheep dates could also weed out the materialistic types who just want to see how much money your able to spend on them. You don't want to end up married to that type anyway.


Exactly


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Park in the side street next to the Drive- In. Make sure you have a good view of the screen. Have fun putting words & sounds to the action.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I like your list, I'll make tea ! 

I'm not a feminist....I prefer old fashioned minded men also... but in this day & age, if I found myself single, because I DON'T know how others think....I wouldn't want to come off entitled, or "expecting" in any way....so I would offer to pay for my meal on a 1st date ....as I wouldn't want to waste any man's $$...if he was not someone I wanted to go on a 2nd date with (most especially)

.... I would guess it may take a lot of men to weed through to find the type I was looking for. 



> *RayLovesHisWife said*: In my opinion being broke could build a better relationship. It's going to be more about quality time and less about expensive entertainment and meals.
> 
> There are always parks. Take her to a park with a picnic lunch. Our area has a small free zoo too.
> 
> ...


Here is a thread full of ideas for those who are struggling financially Yet don't want to cut a little romance out of their lives >>

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-t...ings-do-your-wife-husband-wont-cost-dime.html


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You're a real rare case SA

In the past I even had a little test when taking women out; I always paid first date, but if I pay for the second and third she fails my test and I considered her either friends or FWB material but not LTR material. Silly I know - or is it? 

This was due to my impression that an independent, non-entitled and non-materialistic woman would want to contribute her share/refuse to be manipulated by men via his money. All but two women in my life passed the test - halfing the bill / paying next date, those same women I ended up having LTRs with lol

Perhaps they were just my type.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

treyvion said:


> Some of us men do not think its always the mans responsibility to pay
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And some of us men say that we want to pay for every date. But we might really be testing you to see if you are a gold digger.

A woman who is really into the relationship will at some point, usually the second or third date, want to pay for dinner. 

Or they might offer to cook dinner at home, which is really just code for " I want to get you alone and have sex with you..."


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> You're a real rare case SA
> 
> In the past I even had a little test when taking women out; I always paid first date, but if I pay for the second and third she fails my test and I considered her either friends or FWB material but not LTR material. Silly I know - or is it?
> 
> ...


I just don't like to see people USED in any way....I married a very giving loving man.....these types, if they are not careful.. a woman can really take them badly......(Of course they are not too bright themselves many times in allowing this to go on) ...

Only if/ when I know I am in it for the long haul... that I'm crazy about someone, would I feel "OK" with their treating me to the finest, picking up every tab type thing...then we're an item....Me & him against the world......otherwise, I'd be eaten with guilt..knowing I was still looking over the fence.... that's just wrong....I need a clear conscience. 

A "well to do" man was never something I personally cared about..fancy new cars don't impress me at all... it's always been about *the connection*, *the chemistry*...*the Romance*......and that doesn't require a 1st class lifestyle by any means....a walk in the woods will do.. a shared Moonlight... 

I have a friend, she told me when her husband came for her on their 1st date... he showed up on his motorcycle with a handful of wildflowers he picked along side the road to hand her at the door.. I just loved that ! It's the little things...that make life BIG!


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

sparkyjim said:


> And some of us men say that we want to pay for every date. But we might really be testing you to see if you are a gold digger.
> 
> A woman who is really into the relationship will at some point, usually the second or third date, want to pay for dinner.
> 
> Or they might offer to cook dinner at home, which is really just code for " I want to get you alone and have sex with you..."


I guess this must be an "age" variable. Beside his birthdays and celebrate his new job I never paid for one thing while my H and i were dating. I never even thought to offer to pay because he was always suggesting the things we did that cost money. I was the one who suggest the park the beach and festival that were free. I would bring sandwiches so maybe you could call that "paying" for the meal. 

But I was 18 and broke when we start dating and he was 22 and had been working for a while. And getting married was the last thing on my mind. I was just so happy to be in a relationship with him and that he was so into me that would have been enough for me for years.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I just don't like to see people USED in any way....I married a very giving loving man.....these types, if they are not careful.. a woman can really take them badly......(Of course they are not too bright themselves many times in allowing this to go on) ...
> 
> Only if/ when I know I am in it for the long haul... that I'm crazy about someone, would I feel "OK" with their treating me to the finest, picking up every tab type thing...then we're an item....Me & him against the world......otherwise, I'd be eaten with guilt..knowing I was still looking over the fence.... that's just wrong....I need a clear conscience.
> 
> ...


Lol, yeah STBX was like that. We could spend nights just holding hands and taking a walk and it was enough for her. I miss those times, but women like you, STBX and my first are a rare breed.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

sparkyjim said:


> And some of us men say that we want to pay for every date. But we might really be testing you to see if you are a gold digger.
> 
> A woman who is really into the relationship will at some point, usually the second or third date, want to pay for dinner.
> 
> Or they might offer to cook dinner at home, which is really just code for " I want to get you alone and have sex with you..."


When my wife and I dated we were both broke. So low budget was the name of the game. We did do a lot of cooking dinner and watch TV dates at my place. Looking back, it was good times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm now in this very same boat, Illmaketea! But when I feel emotionally strong enough and ready to start dating again, your list will be my mantra!

Thanks so very much for posting!*


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

If TAM has taught us anything, whatever you do, don't try and treat above your means by using a coupon.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I'm going to give the less romantic answer -- work on your financial situation. You don't have to be rich to attract a woman at all, but it certainly helps to project some kind of ability to provide or contribute. Have some ambition or drive, do something to give yourself a future. Even women who say money "doesn't matter" are going to feel safer with someone who isn't going to leave them worrying about how to pay the rent if they move in together. I even think women's judgments about who is "attractive" are unconsciously skewed by these factors.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

<--- didn't get rich until baby bells


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> 6) do not talk with her about your lack of money, how your parents did you wrong, how the world treats you unfair, how you are underappreciated, illnesses and so on


This should be listed as: *Way to Blow your Date within the first Fifteen Minutes if you never Want to see her again!*

Seriously--who would want to date THAT guy? (Or woman)? Going on a date with a Negative Nelly is not fun!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'll make tea said:


> I have been told that they do not like men to treat them any different then they treat their buddies.


Feminists = believe in equal rights for men and women


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sparkyjim said:


> A woman who is really into the relationship will at some point, usually the second or third date, want to pay for dinner.
> 
> *Or they might offer to cook dinner at home, which is really just code for " I want to get you alone and have sex with you..."*


Is that what that means? Hehehehehe.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RandomDude said:


> Lol, yeah STBX was like that. We could spend nights just holding hands and taking a walk and it was enough for her. I miss those times, but women like you, STBX and my first are a rare breed.


I hesitate to say I sound too much like your STBX cause you have painted her as half crazy since you've been on here.... but I do "see it" many times over in the things you share. I bet we have a very similar temperament or something. 



> *Rayloveshiswife said:* When my wife and I dated we were both broke. So low budget was the name of the game. We did do a lot of cooking dinner and watch TV dates at my place. Looking back, it was good times.


 Me & mine were never broke, we just chose to do the cheaper things many times....so when we wanted to splurge, it was there... we were big on saving for the future...a date for us might be doing a 14 mile bike trail, bringing a Picnic lunch at a nearby Park... we've done this throughout the years, then as the kids started coming, we brought them too.. 



> *John Lee said*: Even women who say money "doesn't matter" are going to feel safer with someone who isn't going to leave them worrying about how to pay the rent if they move in together. I even think women's judgments about who is "attractive" are unconsciously skewed by these factors.


 This is true, someone who is responsible with his money is an absolute must ...being able to live within their means... not having creditors calling, getting their car repossessed...I have always been very responsible with $$, so being attached to someone not, would cause a tremendous amount of fighting/ stress ....we'd never make it. Whether they were on the rich side or lower income would be secondary to me. Some people with great jobs blow their $$ as soon as it hits their hands & have large credit card debt... 



> *Jellybeans said*: Feminists = believe in equal rights for men and women


 True, and for some, this = why should men have to pick up the tab ...that is old school thinking.... old fashioned after all -when women were more dependent on men...

Those days are past, we both can pay our own way now...it clouds expectations some when a woman is very independent minded.... If these days are past...why do some women still expect the man to pay? If we're equal.. "dutch" seems the new norm, so I would think.



> *sparkyjim said*: Or they might offer to cook dinner at home, which is really just code for " I want to get you alone and have sex with you.


 You are likely joking , but I'm sure many have similar thoughts... See expectations are all over the map, one would be mighty disappointed if he tried this with me.......that means he banged plenty of women on the 1st date.. Not my type... Though if he pulled out a coupon, I wouldn't be wholly offended the way others may... I'd see it more as a "conversation piece" to talk about money management...not an automatic judgement he a cheap creep.. I can think of many other things that would be a turn off over that-- for me..


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> This should be listed as: Way to Blow your Date within the first Fifteen Minutes if you never Want to see her again!


:iagree:

But this has nothing to do with the finances, it has to do with - if you make it clear the world did you wrong, and you've a bone to pick and have no plan on how to overcome things, but instead want to b!tch - that makes you sound like a "project."


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

John Lee said:


> I'm going to give the less romantic answer -- work on your financial situation. You don't have to be rich to attract a woman at all, but it certainly helps to project some kind of ability to provide or contribute. Have some ambition or drive, do something to give yourself a future. Even women who say money "doesn't matter" are going to feel safer with someone who isn't going to leave them worrying about how to pay the rent if they move in together. I even think women's judgments about who is "attractive" are unconsciously skewed by these factors.


I agree. Life is a lot less stressful if you don't need to worry about how to pay the rent each month. Less $ stress=better chance of having a relationship work.

Another deal breaker for me would be a guy who is not ambitious. My husband is a near workaholic, so I am used to this way of living(work, work, work)...it would be strange for me to be with someone who is not always trying to improve himself.

I recently went to see a very funny stand up comedian. He said women look for different things, depending on their age:

20's - OOhhh, that guy is HOT!
30's - So, you own your own home?
40's- How much is your 401k again?


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think if a woman is really into a man, she naturally offers to pay for the dates if she thinks money would be a problem.
Even before we were actually dating and were just friends , my now wife used to take me out on dates and insisted that she paid.

When we officially started dating she was always quick on the draw with money. She would pay sometimes even before I reached for my cash.
But that same attitude exists today , in our marriage.

Also I can say for certain that the dates that are most memorable in my mind were the " cheap " dates when we were on a tight budget.

Today we do exquisite dining and so on but it still cannot compare to those days when we would go the park with a home cooked lunch [ my cooking of course ] in a wicker basket and have a lovely picnic.
We would lie in the grass in each other's arms and talk for hours.

I think that dating is about getting to know the person on the inside.
If a man doesn't have much money, no problem, just need to use his imagination and creativity a little more.


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## julianne (Sep 18, 2013)

Isn't it funny to reflect and think back on when you didn't have money as "fun times"? I have the same memories. In college we had zero money and I mean ZERO. My husband did not even have a meal plan. Luckily the undergrad college that he attended, a large school, always had events going on like conferences, authors, speakers, etc. And the events were always VERY nicely catered  So we had plenty of fun trying to blend in and ate some pretty good food. Well everything was good compared to top ramen


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

So I guess another good piece of advice is: meet a woman when you're both too young to care about money


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

When I met my wife we were in college. A date was a cup of coffee or maybe a movie. Sushi on valentines day was a BIG deal. We shared a twin mattress and didn't mind at all -- just made us sleep closer to each other.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think if a woman is really into a man, she naturally offers to pay for the dates if she thinks money would be a problem.
> Even before we were actually dating and were just friends , my now wife used to take me out on dates and insisted that she paid.


If you had been dating me you would have to make that very clear because I was not brought up that way and I would not have realized that.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> This should be listed as: *Way to Blow your Date within the first Fifteen Minutes if you never Want to see her again!*
> 
> Seriously--who would want to date THAT guy? (Or woman)? Going on a date with a Negative Nelly is not fun!


To my mind being negative is one of the most common mistakes the singles I know make. They think they are still single because the women do not like the fact that they do not have money. 

They are single because they complain about the fact all of the time.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> If you had been dating me you would have to make that very clear because I was not brought up that way and I would not have realized that.


I understand and to an extent I see where you're comming from. In fact many women over 40 would probably say the same as you.

But I think the difference is that when two people are really_ into _each other they tend to bend the rules to suit the circumstances because they both see the same , larger picture.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I understand and to an extent I see where you're comming from. In fact many women over 40 would probably say the same as you.
> 
> But I think the difference is that when two people are really_ into _each other they tend to bend the rules to suit the circumstances because they both see the same , larger picture.


I'm not sure it's even an age thing. I'm nearly 40 and to me, it only seems fair to switch things up. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything forever. 

I mean, don't get me wrong--I'm pretty awesome but that doesn't mean I'm entitled to all his discretionary income :rofl:

Generally speaking, if I want to do something in particular then I invite him and I pay for it. I would never dream of saying that I want to go see Living Color on Friday....now go get us tickets. Or "thanks for dinner, now go get me a martini and some chocolate." I would pick up the after dinner drinks or just see if he's free and buy the concert tickets.

It's all about give and take and building experiences together, not whose wallet is fatter.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

A woman would be a fool to date such man having no money. A smart girl will only date men that can afford a family and all that entails. I'm not talking about a gold digger here....there is a difference.

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> I'm not sure it's even an age thing. I'm nearly 40 and to me, it only seems fair to switch things up. Just because I'm female doesn't mean I expect my boyfriend to pay for everything forever.
> 
> I mean, don't get me wrong--I'm pretty awesome but that doesn't mean I'm entitled to all his discretionary income :rofl:
> 
> ...


Understand you quite well.

But sometimes I wonder if people like you ,and my wife are in the minority or majority based on pop trends and culture.

That's why I sayif a woman's really into a man she would do that sort of thing.

Remember that controversial thread about the guy who paid for the first date with a coupon?
Stuff like that can sometimes be eye opening.


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## I'll make tea (Oct 11, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I understand and to an extent I see where you're comming from. In fact many women over 40 would probably say the same as you.
> 
> But I think the difference is that when two people are really_ into _each other they tend to bend the rules to suit the circumstances because they both see the same , larger picture.



I am not older than 40. Much younger in fact 

I see what your are coming from. Still I feel like this. That a man pays for a date is something I really expect because it is the norm in my culture and I was brought up that way. If he is not planning to do that and has goog reasons not to he really needed to explain that to me. It is a very hypothetical question for me because I am married. 

The job H used to hold did not pay very well. So he often took me for an icecream. We also used to go to Burger King for a milkshake or bought two milkshakes there and went to another place. Where I live Burger King is a very cheap restaurant. I am not sure if the same is the case in the Carribic.

If a guy was telling me "Sorry I won't buy you a milkshake at Burger King. That is too expensive" I would be offended, because they are cheap. Someone earning a low wage does not need to work longer than 10 minutes in order to be able to buy one.

If the guy was that poor he really needed to explain that to me because otherwise I would just think he does not value me.

Then there are women who expect to be taken to fancy places. If he can not afford it I think he should tell her to pay herself.

If a woman considers going to Burger King a nice date might very much depend on her age. So I see it might not be an option for a guy dating an older woman.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I'll make tea said:


> I am not older than 40. Much younger in fact
> 
> I see what your are coming from. Still I feel like this.* That a man pays for a date is something I really expect because it is the norm in my culture and I was brought up that way. If he is not planning to do that and has goog reasons not to he really needed to explain that to me. *It is a very hypothetical question for me because I am married.


This is why I find this topic fascinating.
There are cultural considerations to it. But you are very correct, because when I was much younger the same was expected of a young man who asked a woman out on a date.
But somehow I think both you and I are along the same wavelength. If a man is not planning to pay he must have a good reason
But in the experience with my wife , she understood the times I couldn't ,and offered to pay.
I suspect you would have done the same for your husband if the reason was legitimate?

BTW, Burger King down here is also a cheap fast food restaurant / outlet.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I like the man to pay. 
I've been in relationships where I payed more and iI'll be honest it didn't feel right. I wouldn't say I'm selfish or greedy. I'm in fact very giving, to the point that I feel sometimes taken advantage of. 

I'm a feminist too. I don't think feminists can't want a man to take care of her in certain ways. To me feminism is about choices. I choose a more traditional relationship. It makes me feel good. 

I like him to insist on paying, and behave in a gentlemanly fashion. 

I hate it when men complain about the cost of things. (And no I don't think we need to always do expensive things). I love camping, and walking and so forth. 

He may pay for more or most things, but I more then make up for that, in cooking for him, doing thoughtful things etc. besides there is a big income disparity and and he earns 4 times what I do.


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