# About to start psychotherapy



## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

In the last few weeks I've gotten into and out of a very intense EA via Facebook. I've done a lot of soul searching, especially since it ended, and I've discovered that it wasn't really the search for a partner I was looking for, or a sexual thrill, but rather a friend and approval. I'm very lonely. I have, literally, zero adults in my life other than my husband. My entire social circle is Facebook groups. Besides this loneliness, the other aspect of the EA that got me hooked was the need for my affair partner to admire me. I didn't just enjoy compliments about my appearance or about being sexy, but I NEEDED to be told how much he likes me, how much he admires me, how perfect I am for him, how great we'd be together and what a great team we would make....it's a neurotic desire for approval. I realize that this stems from childhood emotional neglect, abuse, low self esteem, being raised by a narcissistic mother, being raised completely without love, being told I'm not good enough, chronic depression, addictive behaviors.....the list goes on. If I do not finally do something about these issues which have dogged me for my entire life I will never have normal, healthy relationships. I will forever be chasing approval, but unhappy once I get it and moving on to the next person who can offer me approval. I'm truly surprised that I did not have an inappropriate relationship before now.


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## AerialDRose (Jul 11, 2017)

It's a really good thing you can realize those things about your motivation to look for outside approval. However, trust me, my S.O. is CONVINCED I have cheated on him (although, I haven't!) & he said the worst thing would be to have to find out from someone/where else. So, if you care about the person you're with, I'd probably bring him to one of those therapy sessions to tell him/her if you think you'll need a mediator, otherwise, fess up now & somewhere quiet & private. That's honestly The best thing you could do for this person you're with. That is unless they were more for approval purposes in the first place. Also, be very open & honest to people about what you want in the relationship, they may surprise you! I'm in No Way trying to be rude but needing approval isn't an excuse to EVER cheat on anyone so be prepared for your partner to be hurt because all though it's a great step towards recovery from your damaging behaviors, they will feel lesser than that they couldn't give that to you. Hope this helps, I feel like I was sort of all over the place. Please let me know if I have gotten the jist all wrong.


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## Angela1977 (Jun 19, 2017)

Everything is an excuse, but it can also be a starting point to know where the problem lies in oneself and what they were trying to fix about themselves by reaching out for another. You got the gist of it, my poor husband knows about my low self esteem and depression, along with addictive tendencies but he is ill equipped to deal with it. For example, he's the type to tell me to "just not dwell on what is making me sad." I think me seeing a professional is long overdue. Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are in a marriage where you are unhappy and feel alone. You have no real life friends. So you are a lonely person.

There is no big secret thing here.... when people get lonely they try to find a way to fill that. You say that you will be forever changing approval. Well that does not have to be your fate. A good therapist should be able to help you find your way out of that.

What you have tried to do to make friends in your real life?


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