# Just About Final...Now What??



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

I have posted on here before while trying to understand what had happened to my marriage. Long story short, my wife left me and moved out for space and to be alone after 16 years together and no problems that I was aware of other then her going through depression/midlife crisis. Whether there was someone else or not I don't know and at this point it doesn't matter because we are on the final stages of divorce, through mediation. Only another week or so and we should both be signing the end of our marriage. 16 years together and in under 6 months of her leaving we will be divorced. 
Anyways, I have cleared the house of everything that reminds me of her...boxed it all up and got her to pick it up. Anything family related I offered to my son for his room...just a few family pictures. 

I have absolutely no closure what so ever. I have no idea why she left, why she didn't tell me she was not happy, why she just decided life would be better without our family together. The night before she moved out we were planning Christmas and a family vacation for the Summer. Next day I come home and she is crying telling me she needs to leave for awhile and have some space for herself, but to have faith and she doesn't see herself growing old with anyone else but me. She has always maintained she loved me and I never got the ILYBINILWY?? 

Like I said, perhaps there was someone else...I'm really not sure and at this point could care less. It truly shows her character and my son knows I tried everything I could to try and keep our family together. We don't talk anymore except to talk about our son and that is usually done through text or email. Not sure if I have a question or not...just getting it out of my system I suppose.

I am left with an empty house, but I get to keep the house and with her waiving her rights to any money from the house....kind of. I get child support and 50/50 access to our son. I somehow even got her to split the dogs food and upkeep as well. So compared to some stories out there I have it pretty good. 

I just don't know what to do now. I'm too busy to join any groups, I have literally one good friend in this city as we moved here to be close to her family. She lives a 1 minute drive down the street, which doesn't help as I pass her place anytime I go out. What now? Empty house...except for the dog and my son 50/50. I have changed the house around a bit, but we made this house into a home together....everything reminds me of her. I can't sell as there is something in the agreement that states if I move in the next 3 years she is then entitled to some money from the house...so I am NOT moving.

I just don't know what to do now....I always thought we would grow old together, but she decided to do a runner without even an ounce of effort to try and work on things. I still love her??, and at the same time have a hate on for her. I am in therapy and so is our son. The one person that needs therapy is her and she say's there is nothing wrong with her. I know one day she will regret her decision, but that doesn't make me feel any better at this point. I am getting on with things and even had a date the other night. 
I guess I just feel empty....lost....and lonely. I know it will pass with time and I'm still young (early 40's) so I have time. I just can't picture being with anyone else. For all her issues, I still want to be with her. We weren't very social and spent most of our time together. I lost my wife, best friend, lover and soulmate all at once.

Any thoughts??


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Wow that is tough. Well the one thing I have learned in all this is that one person cannot fix a marriage. It takes 2, and sometimes that person is simply not willing to look in the mirror. It is so much easier to blame the other than it is to look in the mirror, go for counselling and take responsibility for your part in the broken relationship. If she can't go for counselling then there is no hope for the marriage, she is simply not willing to take responsibility. You will be better off without her, figure out through counselling what part you played and what you could have done differently, and move forward. Your son and you will be better for it. 

My H only went to counselling out of duress and the minute he didn't feel imminent danger of our relationship breaking apart he stopped and fell back into his habits. 

You can't force someone to get help and love them though you might, it is soul destroying for you. So walk away.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Hit the gym hard 5x a week. Go buy a new car. Get out there and start dating online. Don't get into anything serious. Getting laid and having girls desire you will get your confidence back up. That's what you need. There is no such thing as soul mates. It didn't work out and now you get to experience new women! Her lost. Just make sure you get enough confidence and swagger built up that you DON'T TAKE her back when she comes crawling for a second chance!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I have posted on here before while trying to understand what had happened to my marriage. Long story short, my wife left me and moved out for space and to be alone after 16 years together and no problems that I was aware of other then her going through depression/midlife crisis. Whether there was someone else or not I don't know and at this point it doesn't matter because we are on the final stages of divorce, through mediation. Only another week or so and we should both be signing the end of our marriage. 16 years together and in under 6 months of her leaving we will be divorced.
> Anyways, I have cleared the house of everything that reminds me of her...boxed it all up and got her to pick it up. Anything family related I offered to my son for his room...just a few family pictures.
> 
> I have absolutely no closure what so ever. I have no idea why she left, why she didn't tell me she was not happy, why she just decided life would be better without our family together. The night before she moved out we were planning Christmas and a family vacation for the Summer. Next day I come home and she is crying telling me she needs to leave for awhile and have some space for herself, but to have faith and she doesn't see herself growing old with anyone else but me. She has always maintained she loved me and I never got the ILYBINILWY??
> ...


She probably has some sort of mental or emotional deficiency. Really only very broken people just up and run away like that. Normal rational people talk about their problems even if they are separating or want a divorce. Shows she lacks just basic human decency. You deserved as much for 16 years. Better off to see her as dead. Whoever this ******* is killed her. 

By the way I would bet good money there is another man. People are ****ty. Don't give them power over you if they are.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

sokillme said:


> She probably has some sort of mental or emotional deficiency. Really only very broken people just up and run away like that. Normal rational people talk about their problems even if they are separating or want a divorce. Shows she lacks just basic human decency. You deserved as much for 16 years. Better off to see her as dead. Whoever this ******* is killed her.
> 
> By the way I would bet good money there is another man. People are ****ty. Don't give them power over you if they are.


OP, although all or some of this may be true, it isn't necessarily so.

You find yourself on the receiving end of the walkaway wife syndrome, AKA WAW. It hurts like a SOB and I know what I am talking about. Read up on the subject. The reasons why will dawn in time, but right now they don't matter a lot, as you can't change anything about them at the moment. 

However, it is paramount to keep your sanity and there is no use of making the sitch even worse.

Heres a summary of the 37 rules you must live by: 

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!

2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.

3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. 

4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.

5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.

6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.

7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.

8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)

9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.

10. Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)

11. Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)

12. Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.

14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.

15. When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.

16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.

17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.

18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.

20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while) so this takes patient on your behalf.

21. Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.

22. Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.

23. Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!

24. Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!

25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.

26. Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to speak out (or scream and yell).

27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.

28. Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.

29. Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.

30. Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.

31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.

32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because he/she is hurting and scared.

33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.

34. Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.

35. Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.

36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.

37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes


This list, knows as Sandi's rules, are key to starting the process, I recommend the book. You will also not get better advice, its very good here too, than on the books website: 

Open Forums - DivorceBusting.com


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

EasyPartner said:


> OP, although all or some of this may be true, it isn't necessarily so.
> 
> You find yourself on the receiving end of the walkaway wife syndrome, AKA WAW. It hurts like a SOB and I know what I am talking about. Read up on the subject. The reasons why will dawn in time, but right now they don't matter a lot, as you can't change anything about them at the moment.
> 
> ...


This is great advice. I hold to my point though, any person who is marred to someone for 16 years and can walk away without even discussing the problems (assuming OP is telling the truth or his perceptions is correct) is a detestable coward. Have the personal integrity to have the difficult conversation. But this points to the fact that she is probably just a cheater like so many of them. Can't talk about that because they know they are detestable.


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## jimmy mcgill (May 9, 2017)

She is a walk away wife for sure. It happened to me..


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you absolutely, 100% SURE your wife NEVER EVER told you over the years, about the issues she was having with the marriage? Normally a "walk away wife" has tried to discuss her issues with her husband numerous times, only to dismissed, ignored, or belittled. After so long, you silently give up trying and eventually you check out. Then after so many years of their needs being ignored, they make the decision to leave, and the husband is always dumbfounded, saying that she never said anything. I mention this so that you can look back to make SURE that you were never told about her feelings. 

I know this because I have been this wife.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

Sorry you are going through this I know it is tough I am in the final stages of mediation also and it was a quick 6 month I'm not happy goodbye. 

My situation does differ slightly I have looked back and attending a lot of counseling and have seen a lot of errors I made and times she reached out but I did not hear how unhappy she was when I woke up I wanted to work on it so bad and am 100% commited but she is quite adamant it was too late. I am not saying your wife is blameless communication is most definitely a two way street and my STBXW had her faults and could have done a lot different and I believe that with what I have discovered and learned we really could have been happy together but who knows. 

I would thing long and hard though just to make sure there were not warning signs so you do not make same errors in future, If my D goes through I really doubt I will ever marry again but i would like a successful LTR so trying to get myself in a place where I can be successful at that.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Are you absolutely, 100% SURE your wife NEVER EVER told you over the years, about the issues she was having with the marriage? Normally a "walk away wife" has tried to discuss her issues with her husband numerous times, only to dismissed, ignored, or belittled. After so long, you silently give up trying and eventually you check out. Then after so many years of their needs being ignored, they make the decision to leave, and the husband is always dumbfounded, saying that she never said anything. I mention this so that you can look back to make SURE that you were never told about her feelings.
> 
> I know this because I have been this wife.



Sure there were little things, but nothing of concern....and what I mean by that is no major things. The only major problems we had in our marriage was from her getting caught up in an emotional affair 3 years earlier after her Mom's sudden death (this is where I believe the depression started) which we had marriage counselling for and she had IC as well and got to the root of some childhood issues she had. 

I was reading a valentine card and birthday card from Feb 2016 and in the valentine day card she went on about what a good husband and father I was and how lucky she was to be with someone like me. In the birthday card she reiterated the point on what a good husband and father I was and she was looking forward to spending the rest of her life with me and was looking forward to our future together. Moved out in Nov 2016??

Like I said, the day before she left we were discussing Christmas plans with her Father that was over for dinner and that night we were discussing our summer family vacation, having a laugh and watching a show together. 
There was severe depression issues over the last few months (sleeping all the time and stuff like that) before this and she had mentioned she thought she was going through a midlife crisis and wasn't happy at work. It was like all of a sudden everything was my fault. I was the cause of all of it, but even when she was walking out the door she told me she doesn't understand what she is doing that she just needed space and needed to just be alone as everything overwhelmed her. 


A few months later and she said she is happy now and doesn't think she will be back. I tried to tell her that of course she is happy as she has no responsibilities anymore. At this point she had our son 3 days a week, never needed to walk the dog, have dinner on the table..etc etc. The only thing she had to do was what pleased her the most and that was shopping to fill up her new place. She wouldn't take anything from our place. I had an extra t.v...no thanks, next day she buys a new one...table, no thanks I bought one. Mind blowing really, but like someone else said...one person can't work on a marriage and I was the only one trying and all she was concerned about was herself.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

How old is your son?

Are you a stay at home dad?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Did you ever go online and check your phone bill?

You might find your answer there.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> How old is your son?
> 
> Are you a stay at home dad?


We both work and my son is 9.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Did you ever go online and check your phone bill?
> 
> You might find your answer there.


Checked everything, but because of our pass I wouldn't put it by her. I do know she had a guy over at her place for dinner in March. I asked her about it and she just said it wasn't any of my business and that she told me she wasn't coming back. I asked her why she didn't tell me when I asked her multiple times when/after she left if there was someone else and she said she told me the truth and that when I asked there wasn't and really still isn't?? Whether they are still dating, or together I don't care. She will regret it at some point. A normal person doesn't walk away after 17 years together without some sort of fight. Anything really....we even spent Christmas with her family last year....she bought me a birthday present in Feb and asked if she could join my son and I for my birthday dinner. That was the first time I said no to her! We still talked and she still told me she loved me, hugged me once in awhile and the odd kiss. When I found out about the guy being there (end of March) she turned into bitter, crazy, super angry wife and didn't talk to me for 2 weeks. That passed and she began talking to me normally again but at that point I said I deserve better and let's get on with the divorce...even though I didn't want that at all and would be willing to work on anything still, my dignity took over and I knew I needed to suck it up and move on. I only discuss our son and have no contact with her anymore.....shame really!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You can only control you. Sounds like you're doing the right things.

Zero contact expect a short text or email son only. Never engage. Pickups/drops offs should be a 5 minute exercise with no engagement. Never do any shared holidays, birthdays, etc. 

Keep everything distant and separate. You'll move on with your life and future easier and faster.

There's an old saying "be careful what you ask for you may get it". Remove her completely from your life. There are great women out there not like this. You are at a prime age. You'll see!!!!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Canada75, 

Sometimes there just is no explaining it and it just happens TO you. What I mean is that there are occasionally times when there was not one single thing you could have done, and you loved being married while you were married, and then for no apparent reason, a divorce just happens to you. From what you've described I'd guess--literally GUESS--that your wife didn't like responsibility and was depressed. I don't see how being a single mom will lessen that depression, but it's her life and she screwed you. 

And now the divorce is nearly final. 

What I would suggest--first--is picking one hobby or activity or sport that you enjoy that she didn't really like you to do, and find some joy from that activity. I know you said you don't have time for groups, and I totally get that! Hey, when you're a single parent a TON of time is taken up with just normal life: preparing breakfasts and lunches, getting the kids to school, getting to work, working all day, getting the kids to their activities/sports, making dinner, doing homework, getting them in the bath...and by then you MAYBE get one hour to yourself right before bed. I truly do understand! 

But in the same way that it's good for your children to have a sport they like and to TAKE THE TIME to get them to practices and games...or practices and shows (or whatever)... it is also good for you to have an avenue of enjoyment and fulfillment and joy in YOUR life. Your goal is not to get so focused on this hobby that you exclude your family and shut everything out. Your goal is to a) teach your children that even father's need personal time, and that b) have one thing in your life that is "of interest" to you and is a pleasant. Along the way, you may meet some people in your area who have an interest similar to yours, and that MAY be the start of a friendship. You may also meet a female person who has the same interest as yours! But that is not necessarily the goal--the goal is to be yourself again, and have a life again. 

What I would suggest--second--is to do one thing that feels radical in the house to make it your own. Think of the male dog who is claiming his territory. The bad news is that for some reason we cannot decipher, your wife just up and left. The good news is that now you do not need to check with someone else or "be considerate of" someone else in your life. You are FREE. You can paint the living room bright red if you think that would look good, and you do not need to consider that your wife prefers beige. You can decorate like a man-cave....put up that neon beer sign you love that she hated!! Make the family into the football cave, with a tap, comfy recliners that have cup holders "for the men", and posters of all the great players from the past. 

See what I mean? I do understand--you think you don't have time and you've made a few changes but the house reminds you of her. Please do your hobby on the days or weekends when the kids are not with you. It will give you something to look forward to and remind you of WHO YOU ARE. And please do one thing to claim the house as yours as soon as you can do it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Hit the gym hard 5x a week. Go buy a new car. Get out there and start dating online. Don't get into anything serious. Getting laid and having girls desire you will get your confidence back up. That's what you need. There is no such thing as soul mates. It didn't work out and now you get to experience new women! Her lost. Just make sure you get enough confidence and swagger built up that you DON'T TAKE her back when she comes crawling for a second chance!!!


All those things are good in themselves but they will not fix the deeper issues. I doubt that OP was totally blameless in the break up of his marriage. He needs to work on the external for sure but he must also work on the internal, that is what matters in the long run and that is what will determine if he can sustain another relationship with someone new.


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## EasyPartner (Apr 7, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Are you absolutely, 100% SURE your wife NEVER EVER told you over the years, about the issues she was having with the marriage? Normally a "walk away wife" has tried to discuss her issues with her husband numerous times, only to dismissed, ignored, or belittled. After so long, you silently give up trying and eventually you check out. Then after so many years of their needs being ignored, they make the decision to leave, and the husband is always dumbfounded, saying that she never said anything. I mention this so that you can look back to make SURE that you were never told about her feelings.
> 
> I know this because I have been this wife.


3XNC: if you addressed the issues openly and honestly and spoke with your husband about your concerns and about your feelings then you are not a WAW. 

I quote Voltaire: a WAW usually claims that she has done everything possible to save the marriage - but she never discusses her concerns openly with her husband or takes steps herself to repair the marriage. Usually "I tried everything" means that she has dropped hints and made oblique references in the hope that HE would do something to mend the marriage...

Most men are not mindreaders though... don't beat yourself up too badly about this Canada. Don't overanalyse the past -nothing you can change about it now- and follow the 37 rules. Plenty of time to do things differently later. Probably in a new relationship. With a woman able to communicate more clearly.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

I know you don't feel this way - but you are probably getting the best deal in a divorce EVER. Too man times the wife decides to quit the marriage and even though the husband doesn't - he gets kicked out of the house and pays through the nose (our court system is skewed and biased).

I would be willing to bet that b/c she isn't trying to take you to the cleaners and she let you stay in the house that she feels guilty about something.

Take that deal and R U N! I know it is hard right now, but you are making out like a bandit and don't think twice about this biotch!

If you are a 50/50 parent - use the time when your son is at his mom's to get in shape, join a gym that has group workouts (hot chics go to those) or a running group. Focus on getting in shape and at first you will have to make yourself do these things b/c you are in a funk, but soon it will be a fun and positive outlet for you.

Go forth and prosper! You lucky [email protected]!!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sell the house, you do not need the memories. Get yourself a nice condo, and hopefully the differential will make your life less stressful. Your next thrust is to make sure that you are in good physical shape and in good mental shape. There is no giving up in seeking the help of a therapist. Once you feel a bit better, get out there. There are a lot of women, and a guy that was left high and dry for no apparent reason can be attractive (at least according to several female clients who state that they have found really good guys whose former wives had a mid-life crisis, and decided to find out what the single life has in store for them-usually not much) and by the time they realize that they ditched a decent life, decent guy for the allure of being totally alone with nobody to console them, it is way too late. The guy is usually off the market, and the market for the EX-W is painfully absent. (I worked my way through Uni by driving taxicab and DJ'ing singles events. To be blunt, my 40-60 singles events were populated mostly by women. Most of the divorced ones lamented that their ex'es were already into new relationships/marriages, and the grass definitely WAS NOT GREENER). If you got them alone for a drink, many said that they were looking at singles and fantasizing that their dull lives would be better if they dropped the boring old hubby. Since I was relatively young at the time (19-21), most of them wanted to unload their problems on a sympathetic ear, and then there were the ones who overlooked my youth, and size (was a big boy), and invited me into their beds. Mostly, I just felt bad for most of them, they gambled on a fantasy and lost.

Do yourself a favour and get out there. You will not be lonely for long and your ex may darken your door again in several months.


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## MovingForward (Jan 19, 2017)

EasyPartner said:


> "*I tried everything" means that she has dropped hints and made oblique references in the hope that HE would do something to mend the marriage...*
> 
> *Most men are not mindreaders though... *


Yes this 100% my W apparently tried everything but I never heard and we only went to MC once with 2 different MC's because it was 'too late'


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

If the memories in the house are killing you, why not try to rent it out and move someplace else new?

And get out and start meeting other women.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

There's no magic fix to move past this. It just takes time because you need to experience those emotions then work through them. Sorry you are going through this. Know it does get better, but it can be a long road to get there.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

EasyPartner said:


> 3XNC: if you addressed the issues openly and honestly and spoke with your husband about your concerns and about your feelings then you are not a WAW.
> 
> I quote Voltaire: a WAW usually claims that she has done everything possible to save the marriage - but she never discusses her concerns openly with her husband or takes steps herself to repair the marriage. Usually "I tried everything" means that she has dropped hints and made oblique references in the hope that HE would do something to mend the marriage...
> 
> Most men are not mindreaders though... don't beat yourself up too badly about this Canada. Don't overanalyse the past -nothing you can change about it now- and follow the 37 rules. Plenty of time to do things differently later. Probably in a new relationship. With a woman able to communicate more clearly.


I agree. I got accused of being a WAW on this forum but I just don't accept that. I don't accept that telling someone you want to separate, then agreeing to MC and also going for IC for almost 2 years, discussing in depth what it would take to fix the relationship and then having nothing change on that level, then 4 years later leaving because when I have asked him why he has stagnated or stopped seeking counselling he has no answer. When I said I was leaving he said "I need time". I say "how much time, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years? and what will you do in that time?" he couldn't answer. Sometimes people simply can't fix things, the relationship is too far gone, the trust or respect is too far gone and even if they try it doesn't work because ultimately you are not communicating on the same wavelength. When 2 people have fundamental differences in what they believe a relationship is, then it can't work. Sometimes relationships fall apart and for us it was like trying to dance with someone who's listening to different music. So I agree @EasyPartner this is not a walk away wife, though perhaps my h would think I am one because while for 4 years I never said things were good and we discussed things over and over again and I always said I didn't understand why we'd stay together when we have no relationship apart from co-parenting, he accused me of ambushing him when I said I was leaving this time and there were no more opportunities for time.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Keenwa said:


> I agree. I got accused of being a WAW on this forum but I just don't accept that. I don't accept that telling someone you want to separate, then agreeing to MC and also going for IC for almost 2 years, discussing in depth what it would take to fix the relationship and then having nothing change on that level, then 4 years later leaving because when I have asked him why he has stagnated or stopped seeking counselling he has no answer. When I said I was leaving he said "I need time". I say "how much time, 1 month, 1 year, 10 years? and what will you do in that time?" he couldn't answer. Sometimes people simply can't fix things, the relationship is too far gone, the trust or respect is too far gone and even if they try it doesn't work because ultimately you are not communicating on the same wavelength. When 2 people have fundamental differences in what they believe a relationship is, then it can't work. Sometimes relationships fall apart and for us it was like trying to dance with someone who's listening to different music. So I agree @EasyPartner this is not a walk away wife, though perhaps my h would think I am one because while for 4 years I never said things were good and we discussed things over and over again and I always said I didn't understand why we'd stay together when we have no relationship apart from co-parenting, he accused me of ambushing him when I said I was leaving this time and there were no more opportunities for time.


I think my situation was different from yours. I have tried everything to reconcile our relationship since this was dropped on me, but it was a one sided affair. Any time I tried to talk about it she snapped and became so angry and yelled that she couldn't handle discussing it...it was too overwhelming for her. I gave her space, helped her when she needed it, and talked to her when she was crying on the phone late at night or during the day. 

Even before she left she was obviously going through depression, I was the one encouraging her to seek help. I set her up with a doctor's appointment and she came back and said she didn't discuss the depression because the doctor seemed in a hurry and really there wasn't anything wrong with her. 

We were shopping around for a new house when I found one that I thought she would like and sent her a link to her email. I asked her that night if she looked at it and she said " oh, I wanted to talk to you about that" That was the first I heard about any thoughts of her wanting to leave. Her response to me was that she just needed space....wanted to be alone in a room with silence. No one around, not even our son, dog, or me her husband. She was coming home early from work when she could and slept. When she couldn't she went out to her car at lunch and slept. 

If she didn't have someone in the wings then, she certainly does now. 17 years together and I don't get an explanation and she is with someone new within 6 month if not before that. 
That's the trouble I'm having now, the emptiness she left and the closure I will never have. She ripped apart my life and our son's. I'm left picking up the pieces now and she has a new place, new furniture, new life, new guy, and the only thing she kept from her old life was her son that she see's 3 days a week since Nov....that was her schedule?? Now with us about to sign the papers she wants him 50/50. That is the only thing she wants from 17 years.....tough time dealing with the new life thrust upon me, why yes. Loved her more then life itself....now I have lost her....or better yet, now she has lost me. That's the way I have to look at it because I know I'm a good man, husband, and friend. 
I didn't deserve what she did.....no body deserves that. Just having trouble on what to do next.....the emptiness, loneliness and sense of loss consumes me some days.....and I miss my son so much when he isn't with me!!
Thank god she left the dog....we chat sometimes...lol


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Bury the Mr Nice Guy attitude and go your own way.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Marc878 said:


> Bury the Mr Nice Guy attitude and go your own way.



Thank you Marc.


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## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

Canada75 said:


> I think my situation was different from yours. I have tried everything to reconcile our relationship since this was dropped on me, but it was a one sided affair. Any time I tried to talk about it she snapped and became so angry and yelled that she couldn't handle discussing it...it was too overwhelming for her. I gave her space, helped her when she needed it, and talked to her when she was crying on the phone late at night or during the day.
> 
> Even before she left she was obviously going through depression, I was the one encouraging her to seek help. I set her up with a doctor's appointment and she came back and said she didn't discuss the depression because the doctor seemed in a hurry and really there wasn't anything wrong with her.
> 
> ...


That's rough, but you know she has done you a great favour. It sounds like her emotions have her completely flooded and she can't cope with anything. So she's looking for "happy happy" and nothing hard. No hard work involved just easy good times. That never leads anywhere because it's fleeting. Are you seeking counselling? It will be really helpful for you. (I've done years of it and man... it's fantastic when you get a good counsellor). You should read the book "Life After Divorce" by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, I have found it helpful. 

Find a group, whatever, a singing group, a card group, a book club, a divorce support group, a running club whatever you like to do, or haven't been doing, find a group to join, go out and do somethings and meet some people. There is someone out there 300% better for you. Someone you don't have to enable. Someone who meets you half way. But first you have to find yourself back. 


I feel the same, I miss seeing my kids as I have then 50% of the time, but I feel huge relief to not be carrying my H around on my shoulders. 

Live your sadness and grief to its fullest when it hits you but get off the freaking couch and do something fun!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Whether or not she cheated is now immaterial!

Now it is time to start looking after yourself and your own well being, knowing full well that after an adequate, introverted greiving period, you will finally be able to embrace the next exciting chapter in your life and the lady who will help you make it happen!*


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Keenwa said:


> That's rough, but you know she has done you a great favour. It sounds like her emotions have her completely flooded and she can't cope with anything. So she's looking for "happy happy" and nothing hard. No hard work involved just easy good times. That never leads anywhere because it's fleeting. Are you seeking counselling? It will be really helpful for you. (I've done years of it and man... it's fantastic when you get a good counsellor). You should read the book "Life After Divorce" by Sharon Wegscheider-Cruse, I have found it helpful.
> 
> Find a group, whatever, a singing group, a card group, a book club, a divorce support group, a running club whatever you like to do, or haven't been doing, find a group to join, go out and do somethings and meet some people. There is someone out there 300% better for you. Someone you don't have to enable. Someone who meets you half way. But first you have to find yourself back.
> 
> ...


Yes, my son and I are both in counselling. My son started a bit after me as I have had it from the beginning. She seems to think he is fine and doesn't need it...but he does so I just take him now as she can't be bothered. I know she will get over the honeymoon phase with whomever she may be with and will one day regret her actions. Trying to keep my chin up...just hard some days.


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

I have also been thinking after we sign everything and it is all officially done that I was going to write her a letter/email of some sort. Don't know why, I suppose it would be for some sort of closure for myself. It isn't an attempt to woo her back as nothing has worked and nothing is going to work, just more of a final word kind of thing. Not sure it would help me at all with the pain of her throwing away 17 years or not but I feel it is something I need to do. Good idea or bad idea??


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Really sorry to hear of your situation.

However, it seems to be very clear to me - she found someone else, probably at work and probably some time ago. This has been going on for a bit but she hadn't decided to split with you at the time.

Over time, she was probably getting pressured into making a move by the OM and when he heard of your vacation and other plans, increased this pressure. Hence her coming back the next day and putting things into top gear. She didn't take anything from the house because they had already planned on a new place and he (and probably she too) did not want any reminders of the old life.

I wouldn't complicate it by saying it might have been purely depression related - this sounds like pure and simple cheating and lying about it and thinking she had gotten away with it with her reputation in tact - hence the anger when you uncover stuff. The reason you are surprised that she already has started a new relationship is because you didn't see any of this coming. She has been in contact with this guy for some time not that she will ever admit it to you. And there is not much you can do about it unless you get access to her phone bills, email trails etc.

Keep your chin up - you are definitely better off without her (as hard as it appears to believe) - she did you a favour and you need to now work on yourself and your son. You need to know who the [email protected] is since your son is going to be around him. Do you have any agreement as part of your divorce that says no introducing your son to new partners for a period of time etc ?


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Really sorry to hear of your situation.
> 
> However, it seems to be very clear to me - she found someone else, probably at work and probably some time ago. This has been going on for a bit but she hadn't decided to split with you at the time.
> 
> ...


Yes we have a clause...think it is 6 months in a new relationship and needs to tell me before she introduces them.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> I have also been thinking after we sign everything and it is all officially done that I was going to write her a letter/email of some sort. Don't know why, I suppose it would be for some sort of closure for myself. It isn't an attempt to woo her back as nothing has worked and nothing is going to work, just more of a final word kind of thing. Not sure it would help me at all with the pain of her throwing away 17 years or not but I feel it is something I need to do. Good idea or bad idea??


Write her then burn it. Nothing to be gained and once you get over the heartache and emotion and truly see how badly she treated you and her own son you will regret sending it. She doesn't deserve it even if you are brutal. She never gave you any letter or reason. She didn't give you any effort so you don't need to give her any even an angry one. And I know this is painful to hear but hear and believe it you must because it will eventually give you a clear perspective on this. She doesn't care. She isn't going to. You will one day feel bad that you wasted more time on someone who really doesn't care about you. So don't. 

17 years and not working on it or saying a word. People who do that are such garbage, if they had signs on their heads that said "this is what I am capable of" they would be treated like a plague. It's only that they can keep it hidden that anyone wastes any time with them.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It almost sounds like she has had some sort of brain trauma. A tumor maybe? Some sort of mini stroke or internal cranial bleeding?

Early onset brain failure?

Illicit drug use?


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## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Write her then burn it. Nothing to be gained and once you get over the heartache and emotion and truly see how badly she treated you and her own son you will regret sending it. She doesn't deserve it even if you are brutal. She never gave you any letter or reason. She didn't give you any effort so you don't need to give her any even an angry one. And I know this is painful to hear but hear and believe it you must because it will eventually give you a clear perspective on this. She doesn't care. She isn't going to. You will one day feel bad that you wasted more time on someone who really doesn't care about you. So don't.
> 
> 17 years and not working on it or saying a word. People who do that are such garbage, if they had signs on their heads that said "this is what I am capable of" they would be treated like a plague. It's only that they can keep it hidden that anyone wastes any time with them.



Thank you, that made a lot of sense to me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Writing a letter maybe good for you but it's a worthless gesture to waste on her.

Go as dark as possible. The hardest 180 you can pull. If you want a better life and future.


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