# Taking a break



## MSP22 (9 mo ago)

I’d love others thoughts on navigating a break from a relationship!

We’ve been together not quite 2 years. Don’t live together but would see each other 2-3 times a week. Both mid 40s with children from prior relationships.

In late June he participated in a sporting event that had consumed everything in our lives for the prior 7 months. He trained 5-6 times a week including a very LONG session each weekend and he was on a very strict diet. Probably 70% of our conversations would be about the sport.

His LL is words of affirmation and touch. Mine is quality time. Towards the end, I ran out of compliments so wasn’t meeting his needs. But he certainly wasn’t meeting mine either!

After it was over, he said he wouldn’t do it again. I said “never say never” and gave us a month to try and get back on the path to being happy. Three weeks into that month, I finally started to feel a little better, more positive that we could get back to where we’d been. Then four days later he drops a bomb that he’s been offered to do it again in 3 months and wants to!

I was sick to my stomach but after talking for a bit, decided that it was best for me to have a break while this is happening. I told him and immediately felt relieved. I want to use this time to really reflect on the whole relationship. Do we really want to be together? Are the issues with where we live, our kids, our other commitments worth pushing through?

Does anyone have any success or failure stories about taking a break from a relationship? What works and what doesn’t?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think a break is a great idea. It’s cool that he’s passionate about a sport but it sounds like he doesn’t have time for much else. The truth is, if he wanted to make time for you, he would. So taking a break may help you sort out what YOU want and does this relationship have a future? If you’re looking for a future, he may not be it.

It’s all part of dating - figuring out if someone is the right one for you.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm guessing he's Ironman training. I've been involved in endurance athletics for years and it's am extremely selfish hobby. Don't get me wrong....I love it....but you can't be a present partner unless it's something you do together.

I've seen much cheating and many divorces over this. The ones who make it are the ones who negotiate how much time each can live with and the non involved partner is often present. My running partner runs 50-70 miles per week and works full time but otherwise she's home with her husband, and he goes to all of her events so they are always seen as a unit. She recognizes that she asks a lot of him and they negotiate what he's ok with.

A break is a great idea. He's not relationship material right now.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Keep in mind that a break means one or both may decide to date. Those who don’t plan to date often don’t think the other will either but it’s amazing how much time can suddenly be found for that. You’ll need to be okay with that possibility.


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## MSP22 (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm guessing he's Ironman training. I've been involved in endurance athletics for years and it's am extremely selfish hobby. Don't get me wrong....I love it....but you can't be a present partner unless it's something you do together.
> 
> I've seen much cheating and many divorces over this. The ones who make it are the ones who negotiate how much time each can live with and the non involved partner is often present. My running partner runs 50-70 miles per week and works full time but otherwise she's home with her husband, and he goes to all of her events so they are always seen as a unit. She recognizes that she asks a lot of him and they negotiate what he's ok with.
> 
> A break is a great idea. He's not relationship material right now.


It’s so good to hear that it’s not unusual for the “non-involved” partner to struggle! I’ve kind of wondered if I’m being selfish not wanting to go through it again. He’s really struggling with the idea that what he gave last time and what he has to give this time is not enough for me.


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## MSP22 (9 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> Keep in mind that a break means one or both may decide to date. Those who don’t plan to date often don’t think the other will either but it’s amazing how much time can suddenly be found for that. You’ll need to be okay with that possibility.


I’ve told him I don’t mind if he dates. He doesn’t feel the same way about me dating but I’ve told him if the opportunity arises I may consider it. To me that is part of deciding if this relationship is the one - how do other people compare.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

MSP22 said:


> It’s so good to hear that it’s not unusual for the “non-involved” partner to struggle! I’ve kind of wondered if I’m being selfish not wanting to go through it again. He’s really struggling with the idea that what he gave last time and what he has to give this time is not enough for me.


Yes, it’s very common. I have a couple of males in my family who have done Ironman several times and gave it up eventually because it’s so all-consuming — plus their spouses felt very neglected (and were).


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## HarryBosch (6 mo ago)

MSP22 said:


> how do other people compare.


..and they might not compare. I haven't been on any dates, my divorce is still fairly fresh, but I see whats out there, not even seeing the baggage, and Its slim pickens. I've resolved myself to working on me, and as one person put it, if it happens, it'll happen organically.. probably when I least expect it.

It isn't a priority, lets put it that way.

But I do know a person in the same boat... and he is always prowling. He's been divorced a year. I could never be a friend to him because he's just really slimey. I once had a female friend where I work talking to me and he was there... the awful things he said and asking if she were "available", if my Ex has to deal with that kind of crap from men, I don't envy her.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MSP22 said:


> It’s so good to hear that it’s not unusual for the “non-involved” partner to struggle! I’ve kind of wondered if I’m being selfish not wanting to go through it again. He’s really struggling with the idea that what he gave last time and what he has to give this time is not enough for me.


Do not let him guilt trip you over this. He doesn't get to do what he wants to do and have you waiting when he's ready to throw you scraps.

I know this attitude well and see it all the time. If he was concerned with what you think he wouldn't have made the unilateral decision to go right into another event. He might be a nice guy but his mindset is me me me me me.

Should he wish to make you a priority in the future and you're still interested you can reconsider. Go see others.


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## MSP22 (9 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Do not let him guilt trip you over this. He doesn't get to do what he wants to do and have you waiting when he's ready to throw you scraps.
> 
> I know this attitude well and see it all the time. If he was concerned with what you think he wouldn't have made the unilateral decision to go right into another event. He might be a nice guy but his mindset is me me me me me.
> 
> Should he wish to make you a priority in the future and you're still interested you can reconsider. Go see others.


Absolutely this!! He knows I’m not budging. I’ve even said if he decides not to do it we are not right back where we were. The reality is he will still have that lingering desire and could decide to do it on six months or a year. Whether he does it or not, we are taking a break to reassess and then he’ll need to woo me like he did when we first met!


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

While I can see the value in what others are saying about taking a break, and they make some good points, I'm not a fan. If my partner said that to me, I'd be done.

I'd also be done if he signed up a second time for something that almost broke us the first time he did it. 

I think you should just end the relationship.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I've been involved in endurance athletics for years and it's am extremely selfish hobby. Don't get me wrong....I love it....but you can't be a present partner unless it's something you do together.


I used to do marathons. I was with someone who also did marathons, so we understood. We didn't train together, we both liked running alone. (Yes, I know ironman training is more than that.) 

But frankly, a lot of people's job takes over to a similar extent. Seventy-hour weeks, that kind of job.

What you need is the ability to talk about it and negotiate.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You’re not a priority in his life. You’re a pawn and nothing will change. Just have to ask yourself if you’re OK with that for the rest of your life.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I think it all depends a lot on what your ultimate goal is. 

Is your ultimate goal for him to either spend more quality time with you or split up and this break is kind of a transition period of getting used to being single again and perhaps even dipping your toes back into the dating market?

If that's the case, then taking a break from the relationship will help facilitate that and will be an intermediate step towards breaking up and moving on with your lives. 

If on the other hand your ultimate is to work things out and have a healthy, happy relationship with each other, I think a separation will be a detriment to that. 

You don't really fix things if you are not there. If you need to fix the dishwasher, you are in the kitchen working on the dishwasher. If you are in the back yard working in the garden, the dishwasher continues to break down further. If the car needs fixing, you are in the garage working on the car, not in the family room playing video games. 

I think a mutually agreed upon separation during a period of particularly high conflict and anger can be helpful if people need to go to their corners for a day or two to let the dust settle and the emotions to simmer down to where they can come back with cooler heads and address the issues more objectively. And with that separation, there needs to be some clear defined boundaries on how long the time out will be, what is and what is not acceptable behavior (ie dating/hooking up with others etc) 

But I don't get the feeling that is what you are talking about here. I get the feeling you are looking at it as a trial run of being a single woman on your own and seeing if being on your own on the single market is better or worse than being a triathlon widow sitting at home while he goes for a swim and a bike ride. 

IMHO that kind of 'break' is simply getting the first half of 'break up' out of the way and trying to make it more palatable by breaking it up into more bite sized pieces. 

If you're ultimate goal is to move on and find someone else that meets your needs better or see if you can get him to choose to spend more time with you over training, then I'd say this break is a positive step in that direction. 

But if your ultimate goal is to work things out into a satisfactory relationship with him, then IMHO it is a step in the wrong direction.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

It is what it is. Your partner obviously is not prepared to give up his sport for you, which I can also understand. He expects you to sacrifice your part of the bargain. You want different things from your relationship and you are not compatible in that sense. Have a break if you are not getting what you want.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

I think taking a break means that the relationship is over. You can chose to support his sport which means everything to him, or accept that this is not what you want in a relationship.

Once we were living together, the woman I love would come before all of my personal aspirations. She would get all of my attention 24/7, and would feel loved and well taken care of, in and out of our bed.

Having said the above, if you don't think your BF has your priorities in mind now, I would doubt that will change in the future. Forget 'taking a break' and just end this relationship that is NOT meeting your needs. Time apart will not change a darned thing IMHO.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You can use the example of iron man training, marathon training, working seventy hour weeks or numerous other examples, but one thing is true. 
In life we make time for who or what is important to us. 
You are not important to him I’m sorry to say.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Never, EVER allow yourself to be someone's backup plan.

And that's what you are - you'd be the backup plan if his first choice didn't come to fruition.

Aim higher for yourself.

A lot higher.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

His training is more important than the marriage. End it now or regret staying later.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Andy1001 said:


> You can use the example of iron man training, marathon training, working seventy hour weeks or numerous other examples, but one thing is true.
> In life we make time for who or what is important to us.
> You are not important to him I’m sorry to say.


Andy1001....100 %


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

MSP22 said:


> I’d love others thoughts on navigating a break from a relationship!
> 
> We’ve been together not quite 2 years. Don’t live together but would see each other 2-3 times a week. Both mid 40s with children from prior relationships.
> 
> ...


You are not married. Do not be the one who keeps him from his passion in this world. Joyless.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

frusdil said:


> While I can see the value in what others are saying about taking a break, and they make some good points, I'm not a fan. If my partner said that to me, I'd be done.
> 
> I'd also be done if he signed up a second time for something that almost broke us the first time he did it.
> 
> I think you should just end the relationship.


Yes, either be ok with it or end it. You are not ok with it.


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