# Married to a Passive Aggressive



## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

I just recently realised that my husband is passive aggressive and really don't know what to do or the way forward.

We have been married for 3 years and apart from the past 6/7 months its been a nightmare. Me and my husband dated for a year and he seemed to be one of the nicest men i have ever met, honest and soo in love with me. Although we did not have sex till after marriage, looking back this was weird, but at the time i thought this was sweet.

Within MONTHS of being married my husband told me he could not have sex without a condom..later he owned up to lying...then he was constantly in touch with his ex girfriend who he was deeply in love with and wanted to marry.

On many occassions i told him that he is free to be with her if thats what he wants but everytime he denied it.

Then came the withholding sex for no apparent reason. this really hurt me and caused alot of stress...this induced my endometriosis, he showed NO care at all even after the two hour operation, he was more concerned about having a night out.

Throughout these three years i have found him to be womanising...these girls are either his work colleagues or his friends wives!.....it causes alot of arguements between us but everytime we argue he just shows a careless attitude and the next day he pretends as if nothing has happened.

If we had an arguement or i've said something to upset him then he will seek revenge by no completing household chores or simply just ignoring me.

I have to ask him several times to complete basic tasks...for example it took me 6 months to get him to have his sperm count done!...it took four weeks to get him to obtain his report.

His count is a little low and i have endometriosis...he still continues to smoke and shows no interest in having children despite being 35 and me being 33. I now feel im just wasting my life with this man!...sex seems like a chore to him (he has a phimosis) and although for the past 7 months he has not withhold it from me i cant seem to enjoy it with him. i really want to children but am now worried how i would cope.

Everyday he ritually watches tv for 2 to 3 hours and expects me to sit and do the same...i cant do it...i want to work and do things round the house but he gets upset and withdraws from me.

I can never talk to him about problems i might have at work, if i do then he get angry at me..there is no emotional attachment.its like before marriage he really loved me and now i seem to be begging for love and attentin

I feel i am in constant battle with him, hes very competitve with me..and if i make an effort to take care of my appearance he gets jealouse. He gets these trait from his mum...she is exactly the same.

Recently i told him i cant cope with this anymore, i told him that he is passive aggressive but he reuses it....for the past few days hes making alot of effort but i feel no love anymore.

Few months ago i recieved an anonymous email warning me against my husband...

Any thoughts on my situation?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

What kind of anonymous call? Need a little more detail about it!


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

i recieved a message on facebook...telling me to tread carefully with my husband..i did try to message the person back but their profile had been discontinued.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

mystory said:


> i recieved a message on facebook...telling me to tread carefully with my husband..i did try to message the person back but their profile had been discontinued.


Would you have any kind of an educated guess or any ideas in general as to whom it may have been that sent you that FB message?


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

Most people think hes a 'great guy' these people dont know him that well. The only person that has known him on a very intimate level for 5/6 years is his ex girlfriend....i am pretty sure its his ex girlfriend. I recieved this back in may ...i asked him who he thought it might be and he too thinks its his ex girlfriend who, my husband said she's just jealous hes moved on.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I'd be greatly forced to say that you two are definitely prime candidates for MC(marriage counseling). But if he should shirk in going with you, then at an absolute minimum, you need to get into IC(individual counseling) immediately before the situation escalates even farther.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Your story is red flags to me that he is having an affair, or greatly avoiding having a baby.

Maybe both. 

If he feels in anyway that you might not really truly love him for him, he would do both. 

Any chance he feels you just want to have a baby, but could leave him tomorrow?


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

thanks

i've only recently (one month) started to feel this way..ive always been attentitive to his needs and have always tried to put 100% into this marriage.

Two months into our marriage we've had problems relating to him withholding sex and womanising.

i feel lost


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

With holding sex and womanising combined are huge huge flags.
That's not just PA behavior... that's he is messing around with someone else and you are committed to him 100%.

Boundary check. He doesn't GET to have a relationship with you unless he is 100% committed to YOU. 

That means he goes no contact with these other women, he talks about what his problems are in the bedroom, and he shows you RESPECT by dealing with what is going on.

Or, he leaves. Don't let yourself fall into this rut. Stand up for yourself. Assert yourself.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

WHY do you want to have a baby with a man who doesn't make you feel loved? If you have a baby with him, you will have him IN YOUR LIFE for the next 20 years MINIMUM...even IF you divorce him. You do NOT need to bring a baby into this marriage.

In THREE SHORT YEARS (doesn't seem short to you, though, does it?) He has:

refused to have sex with you w/o a condom: either because he didn't want to get you pregnant OR he didn't want to feel disloyal to ex-gf
then he just plain REFUSED to have sex with you
told you he was deeply in love with his ex-gf and wanted to marry her
has been womanizing with women from work
an ex-gf who is probably the one warning you to 'watch' him (it's possible he was in an affair with her, or she saw him cheating with one of these women from work); she's an "EX" for a reason...and it doesn't seem like HE's the one who broke up with HER, so SHE must have had a good reason to dump him

My thoughts? Get the hell out of this screwed-up mess with a lying husband BEFORE you end up pregnant by him. You are plenty young enough to find someone new and start over or use a sperm bank. ANYTHING sounds better than being in this DRAMA-FILLED mess with an infant.

BTW: Have you been checked for STDs? Seriously! If not, go THIS WEEK and get tested. Ignorance is NOT bliss!


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

thanks for your replies, it means alot to share the burden

I will get myself tested for std.

I have been telling my husband recently that i want out of this mess..but it seems the more i try to move away from him the more effort he seems to make and leaves me totalkky confused.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Of COURSE your husband is making more effort EVERY TIME you try to end this mess. HE LIKES manipulating you. He likes having you as his backup plan (Plan B) while he is womanizing with these women from work (EAs? PAs? at the very least he's getting his ego stroked...and let's hope THAT'S ALL...by these women). 

If you LEAVE HIM, he will have to start over at Ground Zero. Admit to everyone that his marriage failed (whether he admits YOU dumped HIM or turns it around the other way, no matter), he will have to look for a new woman. He will have to ROMANCE HER. He will have to go to an AWFUL LOT OF WORK to get back to where he is NOW. It would be an awful lot EASIER for him if he can just convince you to stay and take his cr*p. 

See, no more EXTRA work, still getting everything his way. No muss, no fuss (just gotta turn the old charm on MyStory for a while until she gets over being 'hormonal' or whatever!!)

Your husband has serious issues that YOU DON'T NEED. Save yourself another 20 years of headaches and heartaches and GET OUT NOW.

JMHO


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

He doesn't want to be alone, and I'm sure he does love you.
But it's a game. Cake eating. He wants both. As long as you continue to give him 100% and don't demand anything of him.. why should he change?

Want to know for sure? Check up on him. Do some snooping. 
then decide if you want to confront him with it, and set your boundary (no one else in the marriage) and work on what needs to be done. Or you might choose to cut your losses if you find evidence he is cheating.

Look at phone records. Look on his FB. Take a good look through his phone, including internet browsing history. Think about how often he goes out without you, does he come home late from work on a regular basis? Borrow a friend's car and do your own snooping. 

Look for things like history \ call logs \ texts are always deleted on his phone, versus the phone bill. More than one email address. Check out the bank statement online. Where is he spending money? Is there a lot of cash withdrawls instead of debit charges?


You can even be brunt about it. If he has a lot of female friends on FB, friend them yourself. Then you can see if they are posting to each other. If he asks.... well, you know them too, don't you?
Just add a whole bunch of his friends. You are married, after all.
FB is public. If his female friends WON"T add you, something is up.

I wouldn't say anything to him about this for awhile. Use condoms if you have to. Even that isn't totally safe, though. You can always say you don't want to get pregnant right now. Not a good time.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

If he is truly passive aggressive, the likelihood of him changing or being able to change is slim to none. They rarely agree to go to counseling and if they do go, will do everything in their coercive, covert, back-handed power to undermine the process. They object to authority and can’t handle criticism. As a result, they find it very hard to look at themselves introspectively. The counselor’s suggestions to change or look at certain behaviours are viewed as personal attacks against them no matter how well versed and delivered. As a result, you can expect him to put on an act in front of the counselor so the counselor doesn’t see the problem, or agree to what the counselor says but never follow-through at home, sulk and withdraw after any counseling sessions and call the counselor names behind the counselor’s back.

Passive aggressive people are compulsive liars. You will never know if he’s telling you the truth. He will tell you “I’ll do X.” when he really means, “there’s no way in hell am I going to do that.” He’ll lie by omission and he’ll also use “forgetfulness” to lie – forgetting he agreed to do something or forgetting he said something, or denying he said something to fit the argument wherever it’s advantageous for him to do so. 

He may act as though he likes you to your face but in reality, he’s full of resentment because he doesn’t want to be alone but doesn’t want to need you and also, has agreed and done things he never wanted to do. They see simple requests – even things everyone is obligated to do as unreasonable intrusions against them (taking out the trash for example) and grow resentful when asked to do anything. They’ll protest by procrastinating, not doing it at all even though they agreed or following through and punishing you in other ways. My ex was often nice and would smile in my face but behind my back, told everyone I cheated (not true – he cheated), that I was emotionally unstable etc. Also, he kept a journal in which he called me a b!tch, a wh0re and every name in the book all the while smiling to my face and saying, “I love you.” 

Passive Aggressive people are cake-eaters – even if they don’t cheat, they find ways to cake-eat that are not related to infidelity. He wants intimacy but he fears it or is incapable of it so he’ll toss you some crumbs to keep you emotionally invested and hopeful, however as soon as things appear to be optimistic, he’ll withdraw again, lie, cheat, and sabotage all progress. They don’t want an equal partner – though they say that they do. In reality, they want someone that they can rebel against in a perpetual cycle of push and pull. 

You’ve probably noticed that when you discuss leaving or you withdraw from the relationship, he steps up his game and is attentive, affectionate and helpful for a few days. However, after you start getting comfortable or indicate appreciation for his efforts, the efforts cease or he does something hurtful that throws a major wrench into things. If I told my ex, how much I enjoyed kissing – the kisses were less and eventually stopped. I told my ex, that I appreciated it when he called me on his way home and it made me feel like he cared – the calls home stopped. On the only romantic vacation that he had planned, he started a fight so we did not have sex.

My PA ex withheld all non-sexual physical affection and emotional intimacy. When we had sex, it was porn-style “dirty” sex. It’s not that I needed the candles, romantic music and rose petals but I needed to feel as though I mattered. Sex with my ex always felt as though I could have been anyone else and it wouldn’t have mattered to him. 

I know it’s probably not what you want to hear but if he’s truly passive aggressive – get out. This is not someone you want to procreate with (speaking from experience). Others are right, you’ll be tied to him for 20 years if you have a child. Whether you stay together or not, that’s 20 years of being tied to someone that lies, manipulates, procrastinates, obstructs progress, plays the victim etc. It’s not worth it. I know vows say, “for better or worse” but there is no better with a PA personality. The only good part of the relationship tends to be the courtship period or when they’re trying to pull you back in – then it’s all downhill from there. I don’t believe they are bad people but very few can change and while it might not be intentional, their treatment of you amounts to emotional abuse. There are fully functioning men out there that don’t act like this who would be better for you and better role models for your children as well.

I can understand how hard it is to leave a relationship, or marriage and that you may want to work things out. Still, you may be in for a losing battle. I wasted nine years and had two babies with a PA man. I tried my damndest to change him only to learn what we all know to be common sense – you can’t change someone else! If your choice is to stay, remember the quote, “What you do speaks so loudly that I cannot hear what you say.” As looking to his actions, not his words will be the only way to tell you what his intentions really are.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OMG. I'm still scared when I recognize ALL of this. shudder.


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## mystory (Oct 28, 2012)

Thanks miss taken, sorry to hear about your story..life is a learning curve.

my husband has all the characteristics of a passive aggressive....i've now started talking about separation but he refuses to leave the house or me.

Even with family friends he somehow makes me look like a 'not nice person' several times i've asked not to talk about me and every time he says i'm imagining it.

Once hes friend called me said 'lets invite the tiger' quote. i asked him why he addressed me in such an insulting way ..my husband said thats just the way he is..i said its not normal to insult someone else's wife...and that he must have said something but he continuosly denies gossiping about me.

Everytime we used to go out with friends, if he found that his friends liked me or got on with me then he would put me down and insult me in front of them..they would be laughing at me.....yet he thinks hes a supportive husband.

maybe im going insane but im begining to feel he has a really weird concept of sex/romance. Just yesterday i had a student aged about 15/16 come to see me for help, shse young female. he insisted on opening the door to her and i said no i'll do it...later he was hovering around her....

today we had another arguement and i told him ive had enough..he started to bang his head on the wall....that really scares me.....he temper is scary....hes broken his iphone...coffee cups....i've tried to console him.


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