# I'm pretty sure I know what I have to do...



## hmmm (Aug 15, 2011)

First time posting, been reading for a few months. I'm pretty sure I am going to have to get the D, but its hard because I never wanted to be in this position, but its out of my control no matter what I do.

We dated on a long distance relationship about a year and a half before we got married. I never seen any of this coming, I guess it was pretty easy to hide her true self when you only see each other a couple weekends a month  , there were small signs, but I thought it was my imagination...

We went out with one of my friends and his wife and kids. Their five year old started crying and when her mother asked what happened, the little girl said "she (my future wife) hit me". We all thought yeah right, but then her response was "she hit me first". Since there wasn't any visual harm, we all kind of let it go by not really knowing what happened and my future "wife" denied everything.

To keep this somewhat short, I will just write some of the highlights of the last 10 years


She is verbally abusive to me, swears like a sailer that I am the worst person on earth
She is physically abusive, does everything to press my buttons but I refuse to hit a female. If she were a guy, he would have been decked several times by now
She has thrown dishes, flower pots,books, scissors, ink pens, yank my hair, tried to stab me with a screwdriver, spit on me, kick me, throw food, drinks and everything else within reach at me for no reason at all
While driving home in 5pm rush hour traffic changing lanes she jammed her finger down my ear because "I wasn't listening to her"
I have been bit on several occasions
She can "flip" in 10 seconds or less from being nice to attacking. She usually does it when I'm off guard or sleeping at night so she can get a cheap shot in. I am very good at blocking, but how can you see these coming sometimes?
If I hold her wrists so she can't hit me anymore, she will complain for days how "I hurt her"
She rammed the grocery cart into my truck (she has her own car I bought her) because I didn't pick her up at the door one time, damage was over $1000
She rammed her car into a house we were renting when we first married breaking a few bricks I had to pay to get fixed
When she goes on attack, I have to jump to get the dogs in a safe room before she hurts them. She has made them yelp on several occasions, hit them and pulled ones tail so hard he puked
This should have been my sign to get away, but I missed it. She has literally zero friends from any of her school years that she keeps in contact with, not even one on facebook. She has zero friends from her home town where she grew up.
Pretty much all my friends despise her
Keeps me up many of nights arguing about nothing knowing good and well I have to work the next day while she can sleep as long as she wants.
She does nothing around the house except the dishwasher and laundry (I still have to put away my own clothes). I brush the dogs, give them baths, take them to the vet, cut their nails, clean the floors, clean the tub, sink and shower, cut the grass, cook over 50% of what little meals are made at home, bring in the money, pay the bills, drive her to the grocery, her doctors, to visit her parents and everywhere else
Ever year or other year, like anyone else, you get sick and feel awful. Will not let me rest. Last time I had the flu I finally feel asleep on the couch only to be awoken by a hit 10 minutes later "What am I supposed to do for my dinner?". Hello... cook something, sheesh
Complains that I do not talk to her. I tried that in the past and it doesn't work. Within 30 seconds, if she doesn't agree with my point of view she is rearing her arm back to hit or pick something up to throw. I pretty much shut down down and don't give her the time of day to talk, that usually makes her even more mad

Things have really amplified this last year. My dad had a stroke and is staying with us right now. When I was at work, she locked him out of the house in 100 degree heat when I got home (I've been locked out on several occasions too, except she opens the door because she knows I will break it down). She verbally abuses him, has flushed his medicine down the toilet, hid his coat in the winter, throws away his personal belongings, gave his food to the dogs on several occasions, thrown his mail away (doctors, bank and ss) and pretty much any other rotten thing you can think of.

About 6 months ago, I had enough and dropped her off at her parents for some separation. Her parents are totally on my side, but do not realize the degree of which she acts. They made her cut her fingernails because of the scratch she put on my face and put her on a plane back her like everything is fixed that simply

Recently she is on a trashy website and traded nude pictures back and forth with several guys on there and had a few even call here. She is convinced mr 20 something with no job and yaks to her all day long on there while I am working is her answer.

I have recored a diary, audio, computer logs and everything else to back up what has happened. From my brief understanding, much of this is not admissible in court, but I have it anyways. I am pretty much ready to call her bluff and let her see what the real world is and leave her... cannot take much more and there is more appreciative girls out there I am sure... its just gut wrenching to have to divide up what I have worked so hard for while she has done nothing for all these years (no job and the house is a pig pen). The best thing probably is soon after we were married, I realized I would never have children with this woman, it would not be a safe environment for them.

My only guess is she has not grown up, probably never will. The only people she gets along with is her parents. They still baby her at 40+. When she is there, they make her bed, fix her meals, wash her clothes... There is now way I can or will compare to that, she is an adult

I don't think this is one of those "man up" needed, I am the least bit scared of her and remain 100% calm during her tantrums. I have tried the arguing back and logic does not fit her vocabulary.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Hmm - sorry, but my gut reaction is simple and quick. Leave. Divorce.
However, if there are children involved (you haven't said) then it will be a bit tougher.
It sounds as if your wife has anger control issues and needs professional help. 
A bit of shock treatment might help.... if she is having a 'tantrum' in public then call the police. We all have the same sorts of powers...she can be arrested for breach of the peace, conduct liable to cause a breach of the peace, section 5 or even under the Mental Health act (section 136 - in the UK!).

This might focus her mind a little bit. 

Does she have an alcohol/drug problem?


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## hmmm (Aug 15, 2011)

no kids, I knew better a long time ago. No alcohol or drug problems at all, even though I can tell she could easily become a alcoholic in the wrong environment.

One of my best friends mom is a psychiatrist and she says in her limited observations she has zero empathy, only cares about herself and nobody else.

I almost feel if you could put in such simple terms, I was given a "bad product" by her and her parents. They hid everything pretty well when we were dating long distance. There is no way they didn't know, I'm sure they schooled her before each of my visits to be on her best behavior.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Is she mentally ill or on any medications??

One thing I want to stress here is, "You cannot rationalize with an irrational person." In other words, if she suffers a genuine mental illness she may not be able to be, or expected to act, as a person without mental illness.

If she is not mentally ill, on drugs/alcohol/medications, has she been the victim of abuse or neglect?

This is really crazy to me!! One more thing... You need to look at how and why you were able to cope with and allow this for so long.... :scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I don't understand why you have stayed with her thiis long. She's abusive. A lot of what you've said are dealbreakers. She would have been out the house after lockingmy dad out in 100 degree weather and then flushing his medication down the toilet. Unreal. No way. Get some counselling to find out why you have stayed with someone. Like her for a decade and also find out why you were attracted to the kind of person she is. She won't change. Most abusers don't. Its her character...part of who she is.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jebus... your missus makes my missus look like a saint! =/

Your wife's behaviour is frightening, reminds me of that movie... what was it, "Exorcism of Emily Rose" heh. No no don't worry I don't believe in all the otherworldly demons and angels stuff, but I do believe there's a demon and angel in all of us.

Looks like hers has manifested since childhood and it's rather too late to help her as she's lived with it for 40+ years.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Elder abuse is a serious crime.
Danger to self OR OTHERS is enough for involuntary psychiatric commitment. I'd file a police report and take steps to get this woman out of your life. A divorce, in my opinion, will not be enough. You will need to make it perfectly clear that she is to stay away from you and your father permanently, via restraining orders. Pressing charges will make you feel better, also it might keep her in line long enough for you to do the stuff you will need to do to keep yourself and your father safe. What's that about flushing meds? If you didn't see her actually do it my guess is she took them herself or sold them.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Also police record may help with the divorce proceedings. Definitely need to consult a lawyer. You may be able to get away from this bad seed easier than you think. And you definitely should. You can pick up a random crackhead and do better than this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She sounds like a danger to herself. Next time, call 911 and have them come and put a white jacket on her.

That may wake her up.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Wow...to hit a child because "she hit me first"? Wtf 

She is crazy. You need to secure yourself and your dogs and get the eff out of there.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I thought Aileen Wuornos was dead.


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## hmmm (Aug 15, 2011)

Thanks for the responses, I guess I slowly became so numb to everything happening its eye opening to see what others say. I can not reply in detail right now for obvious reasons but will later tonight


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You guys are cracking me up today:



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> What's that about flushing meds? If you didn't see her actually do it my guess is she took them herself or sold them.





ManDup said:


> You can pick up a random crackhead and do better than this.





Conrad said:


> Next time, call 911 and have them come and put a white jacket on her.





Runs like Dog said:


> I thought Aileen Wuornos was dead.


:rofl:

All jokes aside though, OP--this isn't a marriage. It's very serious and you deserve to be treated much better. 

Abuse isn't love.


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## hmmm (Aug 15, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> Looks like hers has manifested since childhood and it's rather too late to help her as she's lived with it for 40+ years.


I really thought as she got older, the sharp edges would wear off, but they have became worse every single year, so much that I cannot see how an adult can behave in this manner.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> What's that about flushing meds? If you didn't see her actually do it my guess is she took them herself or sold them.


I don't think she would have taken them, they are blood thinners because of the stroke he had. She just flushed them out of pure meanness. Her parents are getting older too, but she cannot comprehend that someday that could be her parents in need of a helping hand. He is just about recovered enough to live on his own again. The scary part which is probably true, my friends said I got a preview of how she will treat me 30 or 40 years down the road.



ManDup said:


> Also police record may help with the divorce proceedings. Definitely need to consult a lawyer. You may be able to get away from this bad seed easier than you think. And you definitely should. You can pick up a random crackhead and do better than this.


I hope so, I know what to look out for now. One of the biggest lessons learned is even if you date for 1-1/2 years before marriage, if its a weekends only long distance relationship, you probably do not know that person until you see them on a daily basis



that_girl said:


> Wow...to hit a child because "she hit me first"? Wtf
> 
> She is crazy. You need to secure yourself and your dogs and get the eff out of there.


Thanks for the support. Getting away (far away) is in the works. As I'm sure everyone knows here, a clean break is hard, especially when I am sure when it goes down it going to be WWIII.

I know I am not 100% perfect, nowhere near it... but I have never did anything near what she has done (the attacks, trading nude pictures to other guys on the internet). A simple life works for me. The latest outburst was because I didn't want to go out to eat where she wanted to (she picks at least 3 out of every 4). Instead of a simple disagreement, it ends up being a attack that I have to grab her arms again. She did get a good nail dig into my face before I got control of it. I don't know if it will help, but I now have audio recording going all the time and I got the attack and her afterwards saying "your bleeding" recorded. I stood my ground, especially with her outburst... maybe if she would have been nice and said she really wanted to go there, I would have agreed. You would think she would understand that, but nope.... not after all these years

My only guess is she was always 2nd to her brother growing up and learned that acting out was the way to get attention.... who knows, her parents seem pretty fair to me, but they always baby her that I do not believe she will ever grow up.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

You can make all the excuses you want. As Captain sad "What we have here is.....failure to communicate".


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

hmmm said:


> When she goes on attack, I have to jump to get the dogs in a safe room before she hurts them. She has made them yelp on several occasions, hit them and pulled ones tail so hard he puked.


 .....that incident alone would have me packing my bags.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

heartsbreaking said:


> .....that incident alone would have me packing my bags.


:iagree: :iagree:

You need to get AWAY, FAR AWAY from this woman before you come home one day to a dead father, dead dogs, and/or even yourself dead. These types of women (and men) are very dangerous and very mental. They need to be institutionalized or something. She sounds like a danger to everyone/everything around her.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My boyfriend had a brain hemorrhage less than two weeks after we became lovers. We were friends the whole time I was leaving/working on/leaving an abusive marriage. I care for him at the hospital and tell him again and again what an awesome choice he made for himself, choosing me. He came to my apartment the night before he had his hemorrhage. He had been with his family, from whom he was somewhat estranged, helping them with an estate sale. He said he wanted to come to my place because he felt safe there. 

Think hard. If that happened to you, would you be safe with your wife? Life can change in an instant. You could end up in a similar situation with a wife who will clean you out, dump you in the cheapest rehab facility she can find, and never visit you except to steal your meds and be mean to you because she can. What you would deserve, is a loving caregiver to go beyond the clinic, to tell you that you are loved, that she feels great when she's with you, to listen to jazz on a Sunday morning and to rub cream on your nose where your feeding tube had been taped and irritated the skin. She'd even wash your junk for you, make sure your catheter wasn't irritating you, and fuss over leaving you commando so you didn't get jock itch. She'd see that your moustache was trimmed and that visitors knew enough to put your glasses on you when they wanted to read a card to you. She would feed you meal after meal patiently and pleasantly, enjoying herself and whatever conversation you could offer she would eat up and cherish.

If that's not how it would be, think real hard about who you are married to. Marriage is for people who are capable of love. Making a bad choice is not the end of the world. BUT, it should be the end of a marriage. You need to see an attorney right away. Waiting for a divorce is not enough. You need to be protected from the legal consequences of being ill-wedded. You would be better off to give her a hefty settlement as well as alimony and to downsize. You will have your life, and that's worth it. You can do better. Leave this woman to her own path. Enabling her will only make her issues worse. They will get resolved one way or another, but just because you married her, doesn't really make you obliged any more than making sure she can be on her feet for a while after a divorce. It really sounds as though she might end up in the mental health system, and on disability. In which case, she is better off single. Some people's illnesses become worse with love and attention. It's the nature of their illness. They were abused by the people who were supposed to love them. So a close relationship of any kind freaks them out. They'll do anything to destroy and pick apart any kind of relationship that is close and loving, as was the case with your father.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

divorced my 1st wife for a heck of alot less reason than what your going thru..actually i fear for for your life


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

You know that you are being horribly abused, so I have to wonder what has kept you with her so long. 

She is clearly mentally ill--but she won't ever see it that way. 

There are many, many good reasons you should pack the dogs in the car and leave, right now, to a place she cannot find you. If you have physical evidence (scratches) from any recent attacks, file a police report for domestic abuse. Really, you need to protect yourself legally. She is too unpredictable and in her attempt to regain control over you, she could do something diabolical--hurt herself and blame you, burn down the house, you name it. Please warn anyone you are close too b/c she might attack them as a way to get to you. 

Please do not feel ashamed--no one will question your manliness. Your forbearance under these attacks is a testiment to your strong self-control. 

It is possible to end all contact now by getting a lawyer and having all communication go through the lawyer. You really need to think about what she is capable of, and plan to keep your location private. Be sure to inform your employer and get a restraining order (which is why notifying the police and having scratches or bruises will help). She sounds like the type who could show up with a gun, although in general women almost never do that--but you don't want to be the exception. 

God bless and good luck. Get some counseling, too, b/c there is something that kept you in this abusive relationship for so long, and that needs to be dealt with.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

These sound like pretty big deal breakers. Look objectively at the list excerpted below.

It's not just immature behavior, but recklessly immature and dangerous behavior. She may be mentally unstable and not know it. If she isn't getting help, then there is no way she will change because she's so over the line that she probably can't even see the line. Your dad could have died; that's not a small problem. If you can't trust her around him and you're his caregiver, then she needs to be out of the picture. What would she do to any potential children? 

Just get a divorce. People have divorced over far, far less.



hmmm said:


> She has thrown dishes, flower pots,books, scissors, ink pens, yank my hair, tried to stab me with a screwdriver, spit on me, kick me, throw food, drinks and everything else within reach at me for no reason at all
> While driving home in 5pm rush hour traffic changing lanes she jammed her finger down my ear because "I wasn't listening to her"
> I have been bit on several occasions
> Things have really amplified this last year. My dad had a stroke and is staying with us right now. When I was at work, she locked him out of the house in 100 degree heat when I got home (I've been locked out on several occasions too, except she opens the door because she knows I will break it down). She verbally abuses him, has flushed his medicine down the toilet, hid his coat in the winter, throws away his personal belongings, gave his food to the dogs on several occasions, thrown his mail away (doctors, bank and ss) and pretty much any other rotten thing you can think of.
> ...


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

She's not acting like a child who needs to grow up. There is something wrong with her that only diagnosis and meds can help with.


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