# New and looking for support after husbands affair



## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Hi, my name is Mia and I am new to this and trying to navigate my way around. I have been married for 3 years. I love my husband very much and do not want to lose him. I have serious health issues and have not been sexually active with my husband for over a year. Recently discovered him having affair with a long time friend who had been living with us for short period. Very traumatic and hurtful to me. Iphave tried counseling and now looking for moral support and possible direction.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Sorry you are here.

Could you tell us a little more about the circumstances? Are there children involved? How did you find out? Has the affair stopped?


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## Timetoletgo (Sep 23, 2013)

Whose idea was it to let the "friend" move in? When can she move out? What type of health issues?
And don't feel like it's your fault, they are taking advantage of you, and the situation.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Very hard for me to talk about so I thought this line would make it easier. We hav been married for 3 years. My husband has child from prior relationship. I hav had serious health probs in the last year and there was a time I needed assistance. That is no longer case. I basically caught my husband in bed with a close friend who had been living with us for about 1 month. Relationship continued for another 2 months before that ended. We have been to counseling. We hav not had sex in over a year partly due to my health. I am in fear of losing him


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

It was my idea to let her move in. I needed help at the time and she agreed to do. My husband agreed. I have had serious health issues the past year. Me and husband sleep in separate beds. I was in a chair for about 5 months but am now able to walk with assistance


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I hate to say it, but why can't you please him in other ways? And for heavens sakes, why are you sleeping in separate beds?!


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I hav tried


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## Timetoletgo (Sep 23, 2013)

Yeah, she really provided some help, didn't she? What happened when you found out?


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

That is why I was hesitant to get on this. Thanks for ur reply. This happened a couple of months ago. I do not sleep and hav bad anxiety. When I caught them I was frozen. Did not know what to do. I just broke down


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Miarosco said:


> I have tried


 And what happened? How many times did you try? I understand health issues, but there must be times when you're healthy enough to be around him, right?

I'm not trying to be mean, but if you want HIM to do what you want, you have to be able to see this from his side so you can understand what would make him want to stop cheating. 

Sex is usually a man's #1 need and that has been stripped from him. For men, it's often more than just an emotional need, it becomes physical.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Miarosco said:


> That is why I was hesitant to get on this. Thanks for ur reply. This happened a couple of months ago. I do not sleep and hav bad anxiety. When I caught them I was frozen. Did not know what to do. I just broke down


 You need someone to confide in. Do you have a sister or best friend you can talk to? Can you ask your doctor to help you with a referral to a therapist? The stress of this is going to hurt your health even more.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I agree with u. He says he is not satisfied by me. He is very attractive and I feel hopeless in this.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I hav no trust. My best friend did this to me and humiliated me. I am so bitter. I have confided in my sister as well as well as counselor


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Mia, if what you state about your health issues is true, you should feel ZERO guilt for his cheating. He made the choice, so don't let him point the finger at you. This is coming from a HD man. If my W had serious med issues, I wouldn't use that as an excuse to bang her "friend."

If you want to stay with your H, he's got some work to do to make this right.


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## Timetoletgo (Sep 23, 2013)

Living with my husband and his cheating and lying gave me very bad anxiety also. When you see black and grey, and someone's telling you no, your really seeing green and blue, it confuses you and causes a lot of self doubt. 
It's not your fault. It takes two 2 have sex, and if he's not being supportive of you and your situation, how or why would you even want any kind of sex? 
Imagine if he was kind, loving, and sensitive...then probably you would have no problem with whatever type of sex could work between you to.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

We had gone to counseling and counselor thought he may be addicted to sex. Very hard for me in my condition when I can't be like I want to


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Was ur sex life with ur husband ok prior to him cheating


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## Timetoletgo (Sep 23, 2013)

Well, I thought so. It actually got crazier/better during their affair. 
Sick, sick, sick, 
When I look back and can figure out the "why is this happening" it makes me sick.
Thanks to some stuff she has posted online....I have figured out what he must have considered her better at sexually.
Things that it now makes me pretty...frigid to even attempt. 
Oral sex. Which over 20 years was sometimes even a daily thing. I have never been any type of a prude, and have always been open to anything he wanted to try. But...maybe with someone new he felt he could be someone different to? 
She claims he said she was the best ever.
Nice huh?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

thunderstruck said:


> Mia, if what you state about your health issues is true, you should feel ZERO guilt for his cheating. He made the choice, so don't let him point the finger at you. This is coming from a HD man. If my W had serious med issues, I wouldn't use that as an excuse to bang her "friend."
> 
> If you want to stay with your H, he's got some work to do to make this right.


 True. This is not your fault. 

But you have to realize that if you want to save your marriage, this issue has to be addressed at some point. Many men will divorce over it. You were just unlucky to be married to a handsome guy (probably with a big ego to go with it) who chose to destroy you instead of the more honorable way.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Timetoletgo said:


> and if he's not being supportive of you and your situation, how or why would you even want any kind of sex?
> Imagine if he was kind, loving, and sensitive...then probably you would have no problem with whatever type of sex could work between you to.


Unless she has another thread somewhere, she hasn't said that he wasn't being kind, loving, and sensitive. Just that he chose to cheat on her.

They've been to therapy, but we don't know why yet. Maybe she was complaining that he pushed too much. Maybe he was complaining that he hadn't had sex in over a year. 

Let's just wait to hear more.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Has anyone's marriage survived this. I am going thru now. Caught husband in bed with a friend and I feel hopeleess. I have many issues on top of this and am looking for support


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

If you guys haven't had sex in over a year then you should be able to understand why he had sex with someone else.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I do understand. But I have not recovered from this. This was in my face and I am trying to cope


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Anuvia said:


> If you guys haven't had sex in over a year then you should be able to understand why he had sex with someone else.


He had sex with someone else because he decided to. People have sex outside of the marriage whether sex is happening or not. 

Not having sex is an excuse. No excuse ever justifies cheating.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Miarosco said:


> Has anyone's marriage survived this. I am going thru now. Caught husband in bed with a friend and I feel hopeleess. I have many issues on top of this and am looking for support


Lots of marriages survive infidelity. 

I've personally known several people who remained in a successful marriage after betrayal.

I am still with my ex wife - so the marriage didn't survive, but so far the relationship has.

A combination of his remorse and your forgiveness means sometimes there is enough of each for you to meet in the middle and carry on with a new relationship.

For what it's worth, from what I read, "sex addiction" is a load of nonsense. It means "no boundaries". It means the "addict" gets let off of the hook. Don't fall for it.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I thank u. I had life changing health issues that put me in a wheel chair for awhile. I don't think my husband is sexually interested in me. Says he is infatuated with bbw's which I am not


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## Anuvia (Jul 10, 2013)

Miarosco said:


> I do understand. But I have not recovered from this. This was in my face and I am trying to cope


I get that and I'm glad you understand. It's now up to you to decide to get pass it. If he loves you and you love him then the both of you can move on.

ETA: BTW, I have a funny feeling about this one from the very first post but I'll entertain it nonetheless. It's pretty obvious.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

What do you mean


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Not having sex because your wife/husband is ill? Nobody has to cheat. Nobody.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Thanks for ur replies. Maybe time is all we need


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## Working1 (Sep 28, 2013)

Sorry you are in this situation, it must be very hard for you to get your health back and deal with your marriage at the same time.

When there isn't sex in the marriage, people do go outside the marriage to get it. Has your marriage had a healthy sex life before your illness?


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

If your husband is cheating on you, in your own bed, with your best friend, i'm gonna assume he's not kind and caring. And do not let one person on this forum, or this planet tell you this is your fault. It is not. He chose to cheat because he saw the opportunity. He couldn't watch porn with you? Self indulge? There are always other options. Do not be ashamed. I am a betrayed spouse also, and we are survivors. Your husband and your friend need consequences. Can you expose to family and friends? What steps are you taking to fix your marriage? And giving it time does not fix problems. Also remember you are stronger than you think. We all eventually have to be.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

I hope your friend left the house after you caught them, and will never came back. i hope your h asked for forgiveness and is showing you that he is willing to change. His cheating is not your fault. If it was him in wheelchair and he finds you in bed with another man, what would he say? Your friend and you h are both wrong! What a betrayal !!!!


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I'm in bad position where I need him. Trying to forgiv and workout. I don't know if he even wants to


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

What did he say to you when you found them in bed? what make you think that he does now want to work on your marriage . Sorry, it must hurt you so bad. when you look back, do you think you h and your f planed this? I mean maybe your h played a game to bring your friend close to him so they can cheat easily pretending being there to help you. This is a possibility too. Maybe they sleep together before your friend came to your home? Stay strong.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I thought same thing. I will never forget. It was in my face and so disrespectful. I thought it would be easier on this as it is anonymous but still hard to talk about


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## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

Mia, your poor health is not the reason he cheated. It is not your fault.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I think it does contribute greatly. I am not as attractive as I once was


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Please stop. This is not about you. It's about him. Beautiful actresses and models get cheated on all the time. Wouldn't being homeless be better than this toture?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

OP, you have suffered a traumatic experience(catching them red-handed). not an easy thing to get over.

you also seem to be having some self-esteem issues. was your ill health a contributor to your sex drive? are you on the mend now? 

your husband seems to be playing the victim card a bit here. pretty much saying your health problems contributed, if not pushed him into the affair. don't buy this baloney. 

what became of this woman? i hope you cut her out of your life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do you need him?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

turnera said:


> I hate to say it, but why can't you please him in other ways? And for heavens sakes, why are you sleeping in separate beds?!


WTF??


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Did you kick this friend out of your house?

Are you financially dependent on him?

How old are you?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Why do you need him?


Turnera, doesn't *every* fish need a bicycle?:scratchhead:


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Their relationship ended after about 3 months. I am financially and emotionallyy defendant on husband. He continues to pursue other women


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then do something to STOP being financially dependent on your husband.


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## Knobbers (Sep 25, 2013)

Miarosco said:


> Thanks for ur replies. Maybe time is all we need


What you need is a supportive husband with a conscience! I want sex more than anyone I know and there is no way in hell I would ever think of cheating on a woman who was ill and in a wheel chair.

This wasn't your fault! You can't help that you got sick and couldn't have sex. You sound like you would if you could and that you made other efforts to please him.

Quit being dependent on that turd and focus on your recovery. I'm pro reconciliation, but please don't let him fool you. He has a lot of work to do in order to try and regain your trust, don't let him off the hook. You sound desperate to keep him, when his butt should be begging you for forgiveness.

I'm so sorry for your situation, please take care. I wish you a speedy recovery, physically and mentally.


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