# Sex Hiatus in Marriage



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

What's the longest you've ever gone without sex with your spouse? For me it's been 7 months and then 5 months over our 5 year marriage. Each of those times we were physically apart. Other than that it's been at most 2 weeks for various health conditions. And the reason I ask is because my H has a habit of throwing around the "you never want sex", or he exaggerates the timeline if it's been longer than a few days. Just curious of other married couples.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

You could start keeping a calendar of when you do have sex. Then you will have what the reality is versus what people's perceptions are.


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Currently right now...4.5 months  no excuse it's her 2 years after ILYNILWY

Twice during same period 3-4 months


----------



## I'm me (Nov 19, 2011)

With my current wife (married 4 1/2 years) it's been 6 months three times due to my job taking me away from home. With my ex, I went 2 years living separate, fighting for my marriage from afar. Of course after reading about the 180 and Man Up, I realize I did it wrong. On the one hand I wish I had known about these back then and on the other, I am very happy to be married to my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

The only time was when I moved to another state and she stayed to let the kids finish school (4 months). Other than that, the only times we are not having regular sex (2-3 times a week) are during her period or when we are physically apart.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Longest without sex has been about a week and we've been together nearly 3.5 years (married nearly 2.5 years). It is rare that we even go consecutive days without having some form of sex and through better communication we have established that even just a handjob is better than no sex at all.

I would not tolerate going too long without sex as I have a pretty high sex drive and get very tense without regular sex.


----------



## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

Cherry said:


> What's the longest you've ever gone without sex with your spouse? For me it's been 7 months and then 5 months over our 5 year marriage. Each of those times we were physically apart. Other than that it's been at most 2 weeks for various health conditions. And the reason I ask is because my H has a habit of throwing around the "you never want sex", or he exaggerates the timeline if it's been longer than a few days. Just curious of other married couples.


656 days, 4 hrs, 12 minutes....and still rolling. But then....who's counting? :slap: 

Prior to that....pretty much from the beginning.....divide every year (10 of them) by an average of 6.5 (times per year)...and you'll get your average span between.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> You could start keeping a calendar of when you do have sex. Then you will have what the reality is versus what people's perceptions are.


I have a mental calendar. He just exaggerates, just like his mom. If it's been more than 2 days, he claims it's been 2 weeks. Plus he's notorious for using the terms "never" and "always". In his defense this time though, it has been about 2 weeks. 

I see a lot of 2 to 3 times a week. Seems to be the norm and we were doing that, but with his latest disrespectful stint, I'm having a hard time connecting with him on that level. I don't know if I should just do it and hope to start getting back into it, or continue to see if his respect for me is genuine, or does he really just want to get laid so is that why he's being nice.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I have a mental calendar. He just exaggerates, just like his mom. If it's been more than 2 days, he claims it's been 2 weeks. Plus he's notorious for using the terms "never" and "always". In his defense this time though, it has been about 2 weeks.
> 
> I see a lot of 2 to 3 times a week. Seems to be the norm and we were doing that, but with his latest disrespectful stint, I'm having a hard time connecting with him on that level. I don't know if I should just do it and hope to start getting back into it, or continue to see if his respect for me is genuine, or does he really just want to get laid so is that why he's being nice.


I hate when people toss around the terms "never" and "always".
:iagree:

But, if I went two weeks without sex, I'd go crazy and be a total a$$ to my DW if it ever reached that long.

Rather than continuing to punish him for the perceived "disrespectful stint", if he is being nice, why not just reconnect and have sex with your husband? A man (or woman) will only wait along so long before he starts looking elsewhere.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Only one week.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

CalifGuy said:


> Rather than continuing to punish him for the perceived "disrespectful stint", if he is being nice, why not just reconnect and have sex with your husband? A man (or woman) will only wait along so long before he starts looking elsewhere.


That's kind of what I was getting at with this thread. I really want to just do it, but everything just feels so cold right now. Maybe I do just have to do it, in order to see if I can get back into it, see if there's anything there. He really is trying, it's been a little overboard at times, but he knows he freaking messed up bad  Thanks CalifGuy!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

19 years.


----------



## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

I used to be like him. I would exaggerate just like that, use "always" and "never", get very passive aggressive, etc. I have learned in 39 years of marriage that my wife needs to feel emotionally connected with me to desire sex and that what I was doing was driving her away.

I would suggest that you are being passive aggressive right now. I would suggest that you tell him how you feel. You also might want to do some reading together. A great place to start is the book "The Couple Checkup". It will address the communication issue (always, never, etc.).


----------



## TallJeff (Nov 1, 2011)

Wow. I think for us it was 3 weeks, that's the longest we've gone without seeing each other.

During other times I think there have been a few times of 2 weeks due to a combination of sickness/travel/life, but they're rare and we're both VERY ready by then.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The two weeks after giving birth.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

CalifGuy said:


> I hate when people toss around the terms "never" and "always".
> :iagree:
> 
> But, if I went two weeks without sex, I'd go crazy and be a total a$$ to my DW if it ever reached that long.
> ...


Well, it's hard for someone to connect when the mate is very abusive. Just sayin. Can't spit in my face one week and then have me ok for sex the next.

Also, I take it you don't have children lol. After birth, a woman isn't supposed to have sex for 6 weeks or until healed. We did after 2 weeks, but I was fine and got the ok from my doc.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

romantic_guy said:


> I used to be like him. I would exaggerate just like that, use "always" and "never", get very passive aggressive, etc. I have learned in 39 years of marriage that my wife needs to feel emotionally connected with me to desire sex and that what I was doing was driving her away.
> 
> I would suggest that you are being passive aggressive right now. I would suggest that you tell him how you feel. You also might want to do some reading together. A great place to start is the book "The Couple Checkup". It will address the communication issue (always, never, etc.).


Congrats on 39 years.... I really hope it doesn't take another 34 years for us! Or 19 years like RLD  Thank you for the suggestions. I have explained my position and he continues to be understanding, but I'm afraid he might blow. I have hinted that tonight, maybe, we can... I'm really trying to talk myself into it. I feel bad about that, I should want to do it. Ugh. Why can't I just turn my emotions off for a night and enjoy the moment with my H? Just thinking out loud.


----------



## CalifGuy (Nov 2, 2011)

I would not expect vaginal sex immediately following childbirth but I don't see what the harm would be in fellatio and handjobs during that time. The one thing my wife lives for is to be a mommy in the near future. The one thing I live for is SEX so it seems like a fair tradeoff that both our needs be met.;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Well, it's hard for someone to connect when the mate is very abusive. Just sayin. Can't spit in my face one week and then have me ok for sex the next.


And that's my struggle in a nut shell. 

So now that I've chosen to ride this wave out, how do I turn myself back on to him?? Is it fair to say to him I'm not gonna leave you over that situation, but I'm not giving you sex either? If I'm choosing to stay, then I must choose to meet his needs as a partner. Especially if he is making a valid effort to control his temper/anger and a valid effort to meet my needs. I've seen subtle changes, and I make mental notes of it. It seems he's trying. But then again, it certainly hasn't been long enough to see if it's all just an act. But a part of me also still see's his temper from time to time, if only for a split second, and he seems to catch it most of the time too and is quick to apologize. But I hang on to it and wonder silently if he will ever get it under control.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm Divorced now but the max we ever went was about 1.5 months in 8 yrs. (And it was right before we separated/lots of fighting).


----------



## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Divorced now. 15 months and 11 months during a 16 year marriage.

This year, Single, 10 days. (9.5 day out of state trip I had to take).


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Cherry, given the escalation of abuse in your relationship, I can imagine that it would be very difficult to feel anything close to romantic about your husband. I saw this article about "Inside the Mind of an Abuser" and thought of several things you've mentioned in your other posts. Check it out and see if you see any similarities between what you've described and the behavior they describe: Domestic Violence - In the Mind of the Abuser
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

COGypsy said:


> Cherry, given the escalation of abuse in your relationship, I can imagine that it would be very difficult to feel anything close to romantic about your husband. I saw this article about "Inside the Mind of an Abuser" and thought of several things you've mentioned in your other posts. Check it out and see if you see any similarities between what you've described and the behavior they describe: Domestic Violence - In the Mind of the Abuser
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you, I just read through the article and there are similarities, it's more minimal now in the similarities, but they are there. The blaming, lying, excuse making, minimizing, above the rules, etc... Yep, all there. I can only hope that he see's it with counseling and tries to make more changes. He is being very different right now, and I have a feeling he just wants to get laid. 

I am working on my mental health currently, and maybe that's why the whole sexual aspect of things are bugging me this time.... I mean I try to touch him and it just seems so void of any emotions, whereas before I still was very much physically attracted to him. I wonder if this is a similar feeling of trying to reconnect with a wayward spouse.... I have to find that desire within me if I plan on staying with him. If each of us continues working on ourselves, I suppose we'll either reconnect successfully or the damage is irreparable at this point, at least within me and for a lasting, fulfilling marriage.


----------

