# Marriage Institutionalization



## Helicon (May 22, 2011)

I've coined my own term, 'Marriage Institutionalization'. It's the equivalent to the scene in The Shawshank Redemption where Brooks was afraid to being released from prison after being there for so many decades and becoming thoroughly dependent on the prison system for all his needs, so goes some marriages, like mine. It's a proven fact that the longer you stay the harder it is to leave. Some spouses enable dependency to keep their spouses from leaving. This is the mistake I let my wife get away with because of my own laziness. Now I'm a slave to someone who only keeps me around for a paycheck and to fix cars. Everything my wife and I use to do together (go to parks, take drives, go to the store, etc.), she does with my daughter now.

The irony is I like everything about my life (kids, house, pets) except my wife. Even though our kids are older I still enjoy coming home to them every day and being a part of their life on a daily basis and continue to guide them in the right direction (something I know I wouldn't be able to do unless I was living with them). I don't trust their future in the hands of my wife. She lets them do whatever they want and NEVER says no to them because she wants to be their buddy. Like my father, I have this overwhelming sense of duty as a good dad to 'stay the course' because I'm the one with the common sense.

The fact is I'm probably never going to have sex again unless I give up the things I love, so what's the answer? It's a big risk to take giving everything up to start over again after being with the same person for 29 years. My spotty work history hasn't helped my confidence either.

I wish I could just magically wave a wand and replace my wife with someone else. That would solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

You'll see yourself in here. Time for some heavy analysis.


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## Helicon (May 22, 2011)

Conrad said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html
> 
> You'll see yourself in here. Time for some heavy analysis.


You know what seems crazy to me is people replace important things with another important thing before getting rid of them. All but relationships.

You find another car before selling the one you have so you can get to work.

You find another place to live before selling your home so you have somewhere to live.

You find another job before quitting the one you have so you have money.

Why can't that be true of relationships?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Helicon said:


> I wish I could just magically wave a wand and replace my wife with someone else. That would solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.


You had better watch what you wish for. You could end up with someone just like (or worse than) your wife. Why? There would be one common denominator - you. You need to understand your part in all of this or nothing will ever change for you.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Helicon said:


> You know what seems crazy to me is people replace important things with another important thing before getting rid of them. All but relationships.
> 
> You find another car before selling the one you have so you can get to work.
> 
> ...


Maybe because those things are just that - THINGS. Relationships are about PEOPLE.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I tried it that way.

Let me warn you.

You need to treasure you before anyone else will. And, all too often a breakup is so emotionally charged that you simply aren't acquainted with yourself.

People talk about the fog of an EA/PA. Imagine how good the OM/OW seems when you're in a bitter fight with your spouse. Or - worse yet - a dead zone like the one you're experiencing.




Helicon said:


> You know what seems crazy to me is people replace important things with another important thing before getting rid of them. All but relationships.
> 
> You find another car before selling the one you have so you can get to work.
> 
> ...


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## Helicon (May 22, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> You had better watch what you wish for. You could end up with someone just like (or worse than) your wife. Why? There would be one common denominator - you. You need to understand your part in all of this or nothing will ever change for you.


I agree. Thank you. I understand all the mistakes I've made, perfectly. I would do things completely different if given another chance. I know now what qualities to look for in a woman that would be compatible with my own, and it's not only just for the sex. That was our whole problem.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

In a sick way, existing in a state of learned helplessness can be attractive. It's the easiest thing in the world. No need to make decisions or have opinions or to assume responsibility for your condition. You can just put on the unhappy face and pretty much coast for the rest of your days. Breaking free is scary. You will have to make decisions and you alone will be responsible-in-fact for the outcome, not just blamed. You have kids but do they really know you? They see the shell but do they know how you think, how you feel, what you act like in a liberated state?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

unbelievable said:


> In a sick way, existing in a state of learned helplessness can be attractive. It's the easiest thing in the world. No need to make decisions or have opinions or to assume responsibility for your condition. You can just put on the unhappy face and pretty much coast for the rest of your days. Breaking free is scary. You will have to make decisions and you alone will be responsible-in-fact for the outcome, not just blamed. You have kids but do they really know you? They see the shell but do they know how you think, how you feel, what you act like in a liberated state?


Mine are finding out.

Results are good.

They see me as the Rock of Gibralter.

And, I actually feel that way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Helicon said:


> The irony is I like everything about my life (kids, house, pets) except my wife.
> 
> I wish I could just magically wave a wand and replace my wife with someone else. That would solve all my problems. If only it were that easy.


If you truly feel this way, then divorce your wife and move on w/ your life.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Take Conrad's advice! Go read on manning up! You are responsible for your own happiness. No one else. Time for you to change for the better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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