# confused and soon to be separated



## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

I will try to make this short, my H and I have been on the rocks for awhile. I am a recently recovering alcoholic (73) days. For months now my H barely spoke to me, I have caused him much pain and now that I'm sober I can see just how much I put him through. I got sober once before for about 14 months. we got along so well during that time, I took it for granted. Looking back I realize I did it so I wouldnt lose him, not because I admitted I had a problem. I thought taking a long break from booze would teach me to drink responsibly and that didnt work at all. This time its like a switch went off in my head, I see who and what I am when I drink and I am doing everything I can think of to ensure I remain sober. I see a counselor once a week, AA wasnt really for me. My H sees his own counselor, and refuses to do any counseling together. He finally told me two days ago he wants a separation. He said he cant get his head straight, doesnt know up from down and doesnt even know what kind of separation he wants. He is reading codependent no more, and took the term detachment literally. I'm not sure he even loves me anymore, I think he made it this long because he felt obligated by marriage vows. He has no trust in me or my sobriety and I cant blame him for it. The thouht of separation is terrifying to me. I dont want it, and I know I have no choice, the 180 rules are tough to adhere to all the time. I want to help him, but I know I cant, this is his journey. I want him to know I'm sorry but my words are empty at this point. Giving him a separation and not whining or begging is the only thing I have left to give him, the only thing I can do to help him heal is leave. I have so many questions about separation and the more I ask him the angrier and more frustrated he gets, I am a total emotional fruit loop right now. Has anyones marriage recovered from something like this? Is it possible for a couple to survive this?


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## Jeffery (Oct 8, 2012)

Jemm said:


> I will try to make this short, my H and I have been on the rocks for awhile. I am a recently recovering alcoholic (73) days. For months now my H barely spoke to me, I have caused him much pain and now that I'm sober I can see just how much I put him through. I got sober once before for about 14 months. we got along so well during that time, I took it for granted. Looking back I realize I did it so I wouldnt lose him, not because I admitted I had a problem. I thought taking a long break from booze would teach me to drink responsibly and that didnt work at all. This time its like a switch went off in my head, I see who and what I am when I drink and I am doing everything I can think of to ensure I remain sober. I see a counselor once a week, AA wasnt really for me. My H sees his own counselor, and refuses to do any counseling together. He finally told me two days ago he wants a separation. He said he cant get his head straight, doesnt know up from down and doesnt even know what kind of separation he wants. He is reading codependent no more, and took the term detachment literally. I'm not sure he even loves me anymore, I think he made it this long because he felt obligated by marriage vows. He has no trust in me or my sobriety and I cant blame him for it. The thouht of separation is terrifying to me. I dont want it, and I know I have no choice, the 180 rules are tough to adhere to all the time. I want to help him, but I know I cant, this is his journey. I want him to know I'm sorry but my words are empty at this point. Giving him a separation and not whining or begging is the only thing I have left to give him, the only thing I can do to help him heal is leave. I have so many questions about separation and the more I ask him the angrier and more frustrated he gets, I am a total emotional fruit loop right now. Has anyones marriage recovered from something like this? Is it possible for a couple to survive this?


i haven't read your other post yet, but let me ask you when you drank was there ever any inordinate behavior toward other men? all you can do is stay sober and let him know you are sober and continue to seek help. as time goes by he may see your progress and feel like you might be safe to R with


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Nope, no inordinate or innapropriate behavior, not once. I would get sloppy, embarrasing, & nasty, lie about never doing "that" again and make excuses to drink, but no men. Believe it or not even in my drunken stupor he is the only one. I'm having a very hard time accepting the fact I removed my head from a$$ to late, and that maybe he just doesnt have anything left to give.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

Jemm,
Sure, it's possible your marriage can survive this. As an addict myself, I know how hard it can be to believe that good things can happen, and to be able to self-love. You love your husband, but you have to love yourself. Your recovery from alcoholism is not for his benefit, but for yours. My prayers and best wishes are with you.

Peace...


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## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

Thanks PFT, I know this and I work on it daily. Counseling, books, etc. I need to hear the cold hard truth even though I already know what it is, hearing it from other people helps put it in perspective. You cant fully love someone else till you love yourself.


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