# I thought sex with husband would get better



## anne2013 (Jun 25, 2013)

I've come to realize that it will not. No matter how much I want it to, no matter how much I tried. Maybe tomorrow I will be back to being optimistic/naive about the future. But today I will let myself vent. 

We've been together roughly 2.5 years. I'm 25 and he's 23. No kids. I love him with all my heart, and I know he feels the same for me. Our relationship outside of sex is great- Not that we don't have usual couple problems, but no major complaints. We're compatible on intellectual levels, types of humor, likes and dislikes, recreational activities. We're also very affectionate, and we constantly spend as much time as possible with each other. 

Sexual intimacy is another story. That part has always been terrible. Maybe some would say that's my own fault, I knowingly entered into this relationship with the problem out in the open.

BUT there are two reasons I let it slide. 

One: I was the first woman he slept with, so I attributed most of the problem to his lack of experience. I figured I could show and teach him. I said to myself, he just needs practice! Because hey everyone's gotta start somewhere, right?

Two: He has a history of child abuse. I don't like to think about this part, because it breaks my heart. Also I think all child molesters should die a very slow and painful death. But anyway, I figured any hangups he had about sex were justifiable because of what he suffered as a kid, and that we could work through them together. 

Two and a half years later, we've made little if any progress. 

It's hard for me to articulate what the exact problems we have are. We do have sex regularly. The frequency is always up to me. He has never turned me down for sex, but he does not ever initiate it with me. I don't think his drive is nonexistant- he enjoys it when we do it. But I get tired of having to be the person who takes action. I want to feel wanted once in a while too, you know? We have discussed this in the past, and he swears he wants it with me as much as I do and that he will do better to show it, but then never follows through. I would love to have sex with him at least every other day, but I get so disappointed that I have to practically throw myself at him, that it is usually once every 7-10 days. It would probably be longer than that and he wouldn't care, but I can only go so long. 

He is also not very interested in foreplay. He will rarely go down me, despite claiming he loves the way I taste. Even though I've asked him to do it more. He won't really finger me beforehand unless I push him away from entering me for a while. I even bought one of those feminine arousal lubes, and showed it to him and told him how I liked it and I would love for him to use it on me with his fingers for a while before we have sex. He did it once or twice, and only because I handed it to him while we were naked. Even if I put it on the nightstand in plain view he won't use it on me and tries to go right for sex unless I ask, and I get tired of asking. He doesn't really like make out sessions before sex either. He will kiss me back as long as I'm kissing him, but only if I push for it, usually he just wants to get right to the main act. He does all this despite me telling him several different times, in several different ways, that girls need longer than guys to warm up to sex, and that I love when I'm turned on first, that I need more of a warm up then him just getting hard and sticking it in me immediately. 

He's okay with missionary the entire time. I can climb on top of him and he's okay with that, but he will never pull me on top of him. I can turn around and have him take me on my hands and knees, but he will never turn me around. I can push him to his knees and put my ankles on his shoulders and he's fine thrusting into me that way, but he will never grab my legs himself. I can bend over the bed standing and he will oblige me in that position, but he will never bend me over the bed himself. Basically if I don't take any action, he is perfectly fine with me just laying there. Even though I've told him I like the variety, and asked if he could do some of the positions I've showed him more. He says okay, and then forgets the next time. 
I've asked if there is something I could do to turn him on more, anything, and he says no he likes me fine. I've even tried to bring other things in the bedroom because I was basically getting nothing out of it... example I thought maybe he would be into it more if we tried different styles, so I got some fabric wrist cuffs and asked him to tie my hands above my head to the bedframe. He claimed he loved it and he did seem to enjoy it during, but not any more or less than he enjoys regular sex. Unless I specifically ask him to use them, they just sit in the closet now. I got a special slanted sex pillow to put under me since he likes missionary so much, and have tried to use that during sex. Again, we used it a few times and then he put it in the closet. I found a highly rated couples sex toy, the "we-vibe" that we could both use during foreplay. I loved it and it was the most enjoyment I've gotten so far- quickly got me close to orgasm with him, (which doesn't happen with him otherwise) but he claimed it pinched him and made him uncomfortable during sex and he wanted to stop using it. I was disappointed and asked if he could give it a few more tries, as I really liked it and I made sacrifices sexually for him, maybe he could make this one for me? and he said okay, and then stuck it in the closet. 

Basically I am completely frustrated. He seems okay with having sex with me, and seems okay with not having sex too. I've gotten to the point of suggesting an open marriage, and he is adamantly opposed to it. But it's almost to the point I think maybe I should just go for it without him. I don't want to leave him, and he meets all of my needs except sexual, so maybe I should just get that one part elsewhere....

And yes, I could get what I want from him by blatantly asking or reminding during sex, but that is not what I want. It feels half hearted and I want more than that. I want someone who will do it 50% and I can do it 50%, but I am tired of doing everything 100%. I have told him this too, and he just gets hurt about it and promises to do better, but then does not. 



I know this was long, and you've gotten this far feel free to throw any advice, general comments, or whatever my way as I don't know what to do anymore. I love him so much, but this is killing me.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

He needs a lot of counseling. Has he had any?

.


----------



## toxxik (May 20, 2013)

I have no experience in regards to his past but I am also the only woman DH has ever been with. I offer my sympathies. For several years I just kept getting told 'you have more experience I need you to tell me what you want. After about five years of this I lost it. I proceeded to tell him I have told you and now it is time you remember. Things have improved thru the years but he will never become an adventurous person in the bedroom and I have adjusted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like this is something that needs to be talked out in MC by the two of you and in IC about his abuse issues. You cannot gloss over this kind of issues it has to be addressed.

It may seem odd to be dealing with MC and IC this early in your relationship but abuse and sexual issues can destroy a marriage if they are not addressed


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

It seems you are both sexually passive and want the other to take the lead. I can speak from experience - this arrangement leads to a peaceful marriage without a lot of arguing - but passionate sex it will not get you. It sounds like you want to be sexually dominated - and stereotypically men are this way. However, there are men who are not aggressors and are not dominators by nature. It may have nothing at all to do with the abuse and you likely attributed this to his inexperience pre-marriage.


----------



## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

I would try counseling, partly because of the abuse and him probably being insecure about his lack of experience. I wouldn't give up. Have you tried watching porn together, maybe letting him see some men playing the dominant role. I was sexually insecure with my husband, he was the 2nd person I had ever slept with, I felt so inexperienced, and it took a while, but I got the hang of things, I watched some porn, did some research, found things I liked and shared it and tried it with him, I just had to get my shell.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

The abuse might be the key.

It could also be that he's a 23 year old guy that has no experience and is afraid to fail you.

While telling him what you want, make sure you're showing him. He could be afraid or intimidated by your appetites. Especially if you are now requesting an open marriage.

You really need to train him (I understand you are trying).

With my SO, I forced her to train me on how to please her. My motto was "if you don't cum and you're not telling me what to, it's on you". It took many years, but was worth the ride (so to speak).

He not only needs to know that you want him to be in more control. He needs to trust that it's okay that he's in control.

We men are funny things at that age when it comes to sex. With the right women, we can learn to excellent lovers.


----------



## anne2013 (Jun 25, 2013)

Faithful and Cora, He has had exactly one session with a pastor. He doesn't think he needs it, says he's already talked about and there's nothing more to really say about it. I can understand that, because I wouldn't want to be reliving it all the time either.
Oh and he only went to the pastor because I dragged
him, and maybe he would go if I set up some appointments with a counselor but I think he would be hurt and resent me for it. He seems so well adjusted in every other area of his life, that I struggle with thinking if he really should go or not.

Cora, I am glad you mention children because I didn't really think about it getting worse after that... We have talked about waiting a couple of years until we could settle in a house rather than the small apartment we are in, and it honestly had not crossed my mind that things in this area could worse but children take all of one's focus and now I have something else to think about...

Toxxik, I am very glad to hear from someone whose husband has also only been with them. I have spoken and read about couples where it was the other way around, the girl having little experience, but not really from the other side of things. I don't know if it's because its that much rarer or maybe guys don't like to talk about it as much if it's the case with them. I am a little disheartened about your five year comment... and he does make similar comments about just not knowing as much as me
and it not being his fault, and your comment I really identify with is the I have shown/told him already.
Is there anything that, with the benefit of looking back in time, you wish you would have done or said sooner? 

Mahike, that is what I am worried about it also, that this issue will just snowball through time and create problems with the marriage. Marriage counseling the way I've heard about it, is you talk about your problems together, but we have already done that, and so I wonder if it would really help? How would it be different? Not being sarcastic, honest question, how would it be different?

MissScarlett, I do not think this is a domination issue. The one thing I did say in my first post you might have construed that from was the wrist cuffs. I brought that in to see if I could try doing anything different to get him more interested in me. I brought it in with the idea that we could try it both ways, alternating who was tied, but he did not want to try it on him, so we just did it on me. If he was super into when I take control in the bedroom I would agree with you about him just wanting me to be the dominant one, but like I was saying in the first post, he is just as fine with me basically just laying there as me being in control, he is just as fine as when I push him into being in control, and he is equally as fine with us not having sex. Also I am not wanting him to turn into this super aggressive dominant sexual alpha male, when I said I wanted 50/50, I meant I wanted someone who puts in an equal and reciprocating effort into having sex with me as I do with him, which I think is reasonable to expect. It does help to examine all theories tho.

Goodgrl, I am glad to hear from you also because it is interesting to hear how a person with little experience felt with their life partner. When you say it just took you a while to get your shell, what exactly do you mean? Years? Also, I did try the porn suggestion a long time ago, but he does not like watching it. People don't believe me when I say my husband never watches porn, they say all guys like watching it, but he hates it. When he was little he was forced to watch it with the abuser often before and during the forced acts, so I guess that kind of ruined it for him. I think I am lucky it was m/m porn because if it was m/f he might have even more issues with having sex with me. 
I did try and say okay, we don't have to watch it, but lets just look at all the different available categories there are, to try and find out if anything appealed to him, but going down the list of categories you could click on he said nothing really jumped
out at him and he likes having sex the way we do already.

Snerg, It is comforting to think it just might be an age thing. I am trying to tell and show him what I like and want, and have tried to get him to do the same with me, but it doesn't seem to be working. Maybe I am just not a good teacher. The open marriage suggestion I agree might have scared/intimidated him. He did seem to get very upset at that. I was just very frustrated and don't know what else to suggest as I feel I have tried it all. Obviously I'm not saying I HAVE tried it all, just that it gets overwhelming and feels that way. I do think he needs to trust that it's okay to be in control once in a while, I would def like the end result to be both of us being able to be confident and involved and both take turns being in control in the bedroom, I just do not know how to get him to trust that. 

Thank you everyone that posted for taking the time to read and reply, I have no one I can talk to about this in real life as my and my husbands friends are all mutual ones.


----------



## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Just whatever you do, don't take your needs outside of the marriage. That won't fix a thing, and will break your relationship with the one you love. 

My wife has an abuse history, and she loves intimacy with me. But she went through a lot of therapy in her younger years, which I believe helped. I know had I gone throug the things she did, I might very well have issues in the bedroom that I might not even understand. In your early 20s, however, hormones and a beautiful, loving partner should be able to overcome quite a bit of it. But everyone's different. 

He may be uncomfortable talking about it to a therapist. But it sounds like he really HAS to work through some of it, cry a lot or whatever, to break through. It's hard work, and emotionally draining, and it may cool off his sexual desires for a while. But in the end, you both need to realize that life is long and it's best to work these things out early, lest you suffer through it for the next 40 years.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your very young and have your whole life ahead of you don't be shackled to this person where resentment will grow and eventually kill your marriage.


love dose not concour all......again love dose not concour all.

end it and find someone more suitable to you.

JMHO. good luck.


----------



## Lone Ranger (Apr 15, 2012)

Its possible he has many hangups from being molested. I am no expert, and I don't (nor want) to know the background of him being molested, but my interpretation would be that the reason he doesn't take the lead is because the lead was forcefully taken from him. Perhaps if he takes the lead he becomes like the person who molested him? 

Your gonna need to dig pretty deep here if you wanna stay with ure fella. I think leaving him because of this would be extremely cold hearted, but thats just my opinion on it.

Would you leave your spouse if they were raped?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Lone Ranger said:


> Its possible he has many hangups from being molested. I am no expert, and I don't (nor want) to know the background of him being molested, but my interpretation would be that the reason he doesn't take the lead is because the lead was forcefully taken from him. Perhaps if he takes the lead he becomes like the person who molested him?
> 
> Your gonna need to dig pretty deep here if you wanna stay with ure fella. I think leaving him because of this would be extremely cold hearted, but thats just my opinion on it.
> 
> Would you leave your spouse if they were raped?


only cold hearted if he disclosed this info before marriage and she married him any ways......and even if so if she is misserable and realises it anit going to work better to end it sooner than latter.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Leaving when he's got issues and is actively trying to solve them is cold and heartless. Leaving because he's got issues and isn't interested in solving them is self-preservation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Counseling would be beneficial, but I know how resistant some people can be to this option. I would try to keep it as an option at some point though.

His self confidence in the sexual area can have a huge impact on things. He may be unsure of himself and his skills, so he just sticks to what he is comfortable with unless you ask for something else. 

What is his personality in general? Does he tend to be a bit shy or reserved? This may come through in the bedroom as well. 

You can help a lot by using positive communication to guide him and encourage him with the things he is doing well. In addition to telling him what you want, take his hand and guide him in the location, amount of pressure and pace that you enjoy. Let him know when he is doing something well and be gentle in redirection when things may be a little off where you would like it. 

Maybe it would be helpful to set aside a bit of time to talk about what you like and desire from each other. A time when you are just talking and not actually engaging in the act. Remember to focus on the positive things, those things you most enjoy. Also bring up things that you would be interested in trying. Try to get him to engage in the conversation and tell you what pleases him as well.


The more his confidence increases, the more he may be inclined to learn, which can lead to more confidence, then more learning.........

Best of luck to the two of you.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> Leaving when he's got issues and is actively trying to solve them is cold and heartless. Leaving because he's got issues and isn't interested in solving them is self-preservation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree:


----------



## Goodgrl (Jun 21, 2013)

Yes it took me a while, maybe a year or 2. The more sex we had, the more secure in myself I became. Your husband's story just breaks my heart, 20's should be you fun discovery time with sex, especially being married. 

I have another suggestion, what about role playing, maybe he can act like he is someone else not himself. You know maybe superman or something, maybe wearing a mask, maybe that can mentally take him to another place that can take the pressure off and maybe get the other stuff off his mind. 

I just really hope ya'll work this out, sounds like you love him to death.


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

Okay I am going to do something I never do but oh we'll. I was a virgin and the girl I am with is the only women I have been with. Now that being said Anne if you want to talk we can but I will not air extremely private issues in the open. If you want you can PM me. Sorry but this touches on very sensitive issues for me. I also suffered from child abuse.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If you feel bad now, eventually you will feel nothing for him. 

Do not have children with him. 

Ask for counselling and sex therapy. 

Does he have a porn problem? And are you sure he's not gay? 

Have you had his testosterone levels checked. 

If all of that gets covered and there is no sustained change, then I would move on.


----------



## anne2013 (Jun 25, 2013)

Doubletrouble, it is good to hear your wife has been able to worth through her issues and enjoy intimate time with you. That is very encouraging to me, I would very much like for that to be
how it turns out for me as well. It seems everyone is mostly recommending counseling, and if our issues in the bedroom stem from his past and not just, I don't know, his personality or something, maybe I really need to push for counseling... Your wife has said that is what helped her? I do agree with you saying it is best to find solutions now, whatever they may be, and not wait until we're fifty. 

Chillymorn, thank you for your honest opinion. I can see that being an obvious solution to someone objective looking in, but leaving him is definitely not an option for me. I can't, I love him too much. I mean it is true we do not have wildfire passion in our relationship, but we do have a very deep and true love for each other. I know it is easy to make judgments saying I'm trying for something futile, but I still have to hope we can work 
this out, somehow. 
Isn't it better to be with someone you truly love and care for, with bad sex, than to be with someone where the sex is great, but you have no feelings for each other? Won't love outlast lust anyway as we grow old together? Maybe you are right and in a decade I will regret my decision, but I am not ready to give up just yet. 

Lone Ranger, no I would not leave a partner if they were raped. That's partly how I see this, how can I leave someone 
for something that's not their fault? That was beyond their control? I had not thought about the angle of him linking being in charge with me with being like the person that took advantage of him. I hope that is not the case, I would hate to think he links anything with me to his past, but maybe it is an unconscious thing, that he does not really think directly about but still feels? I guess you're right about having to dig deeper, which I will have to get expert help in. Sigh, I guess counseling is looking like more of the better option.

Pbear, I go back and forth between believing he is stubbornly on purpose not trying to improve, and between he is trying and
just failing miserably, and between maybe it has not hit him how dire our situation is, despite me trying to tell him all this time. I think I do need to seem him actively trying to work on this with me in the future, even if it is very small steps, for me to continue...

Lovemylife, you are right in that he is resistant to the idea of counseling. And you are also right in that it might just be part of his personality, as he can be shy and reserved- tho I forget that often as he is not that way at home with me. But thinking back
to when we first knew each other, he is that way with new people he doesn't know well. Maybe the counseling would help with confidence issues, he might go if it was to mainly focus on that instead of mainly focus on his past. It's something I'll have to put more thought into. 

Goodgrl, we have not tried roleplaying, it is a good suggestion. I don't know if I can get him to take it seriously, he has a silly sense of humour, I can imagine him breaking out laughing in the middle of sex, but maybe we can just have fun with it like that too. I am definitely going to at least give it a try! Thank you for the wellwishes also, you sound like a nice person, I am sure you are very helpful to all your real life friends.

Cel, thank you for reaching out to me, I will pm you. 

LittleDeer, he does not have porn issues, I discussed that in my second post on the first page. The other thing you brought up, about him possibly being gay... I will be honest with you, it has crossed my mind in the past. It would make sense I guess. And I have heard stories about how marriages can last for decades before the truth comes out, and I did get paranoid about it for a while, because I just can not understand why he
does not want me as much as I want him. A lot of husbands would kill for a wife that was ready and willing to have sex with them all the time, right? I even confronted him about it, told him if he is to just tell me and I would not be mad or judgmental, that I would understand he had just been confused. And that we could just get divorced and still remain friends. He swears up and down he is not, and gets offended I even thought it was a possibility. And it is very obvious he loves me very much, and he does crave my attention, lots of hugs/cuddles, etc, so I honestly believe him that he is not. I hope I am not wrong. 
He has not had his testosterone levels checked that I can remember, it is a good suggestion to get that checked. I might bring that up with him.


Everyone's responses have given me a lot to think about. I will try to bring up some of the suggestions you all have made with him.


----------



## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> A lot of husbands would kill for a wife that was ready and willing to have sex with them all the time, right?


A lot, but not all. There are a handful of wives on here that wish their husbands wanted more. Some people are just seemingly LD, men included. It's possible his traumatic past just wiped out his desire. 

I would agree with getting his hormones checked and a general physical. It's never a bad place to start, if one can get her spouse to even make an appointment. 



> Isn't it better to be with someone you truly love and care for, with bad sex, than to be with someone where the sex is great, but you have no feelings for each other?


This is just something that each individual has to decide for himself/herself. The fact that you are here though might mean you should think carefully about what that means for the long term. In my opinion, a sexless marriage is just a best buddies roommate situation. It may be fine when you're both 85...but that's a very long ways away for both of you.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

anne2013 said:


> Doubletrouble, it is good to hear your wife has been able to worth through her issues and enjoy intimate time with you. That is very encouraging to me, I would very much like for that to be
> how it turns out for me as well. It seems everyone is mostly recommending counseling, and if our issues in the bedroom stem from his past and not just, I don't know, his personality or something, maybe I really need to push for counseling... Your wife has said that is what helped her? I do agree with you saying it is best to find solutions now, whatever they may be, and not wait until we're fifty.
> 
> Chillymorn, thank you for your honest opinion. I can see that being an obvious solution to someone objective looking in, but leaving him is definitely not an option for me. I can't, I love him too much. I mean it is true we do not have wildfire passion in our relationship, but we do have a very deep and true love for each other. I know it is easy to make judgments saying I'm trying for something futile, but I still have to hope we can work
> ...


----------

