# Should I let go (long "details" I'm for real)



## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Ok so I’ve been kind of all over the place with my threads mostly because I wanted to gain some understanding or advice without actually regurgitating the last four years of hell. It’s been a pretty painful and extremely confusing and stressful experience that I’m really tired of talking about. So why am I here among strangers now telling all my business if I don’t want to talk about it? Simple….I can’t F_cking move on. Counseling isn’t helping, church, bible study isn’t helping, talking with friends and family isn’t helping and somebody referred me to this place because they are probably tired of listening to me ramble on and on. :sleeping: 

My apologies to those of you that have been trying to piece this crap together and think I’m a joke. :scratchhead:I’m not a “troll” whatever that means (unless I am and don’t know it) I am a real person with real issues possibly due to my own mental illness that I have yet to be diagnosed with besides depression, my spouses mental disorders that I suspect he has, baggage’s from both ends, life crisis’s and simply B_llsh_t.

First a little background, I’ve known my husband since we were kids. I was 13 when we met, lost my virginity to and he was my first real boyfriend for 2.5 years. I was crazy in love and we were almost inseparable except when he got in trouble and was sent away to youth camp for 9 months during which time he ran away from and stayed with me all summer “on the run”. We had a wild fun summer that year but he finally went back to finish serving his time. I waited for him wrote him every day as did he. His parents would call me on 3 ways so we could talk and I would ride with them on weekends to go visit him. When he returned home we broke up because he heard a rumor that I had cheated which wasn’t true but he refused to believe me. I was devastated but young pretty and just got my driver’s license so I had options and I moved on……

Then after a few years I moved away to Maryland for a year and when I returned we hooked back up. Moved in together that was short lived because we were only 20 and he was going out all the time not coming home and his ex was still lurking around. I didn’t trust him seeing how we hadn’t dated long before moving in together and it appeared that he hadn’t totally cut the strings or she wasn’t willing to let go. I wasn’t going to tolerate drama. Then one day I came home he had two girls and a guy over hanging out and I was feeling insecure and may have overreacted but I went off and made him leave. He did but left his things. A week went by and I hadn’t heard from him probably because he didn’t think he did anything wrong but I was stubborn and long story short I started seeing somebody else who he knew. The guy moves in and he finds out after I took him his stuff. Dude was only supposed to be a rebound but ended up being my first husband and father of my first three children. He was abusive and after 9 years I finally severed that relationship. Three years later I reunited after 11 years of no contact with my first love.

Of course you can imagine our reunion was like love at first sight all over again at least it was for me and he seemed to be just as excited as I was. We spent every day together and quickly fell in love. I was in school at the time still trying to put back my life together after a divorce, being a single parent of 3 and having another unplanned baby with a guy I had a long distance relationship with that I had just came out of. My husband was living with his dad at the time because he had just been released from prison (I know what you’re thinking :wtf Under normal circumstances I wouldn’t have dated him but he was my first love, we had history and for some dumb reason I blamed myself. I really thought had I not broke up with him the last time we would have been married those kids would have been his and he wouldn’t have one down the path he took that led him to prison twice. This time I gave him a serious chance.

He got a job with the city, bought a car and wanted us to move in together, said he wanted to marry me and have a baby. So we started planning a pregnancy, all protection went out the window and a baby we went to making. We moved in together and a week later I was pregnant after dating 7months. Once I became pregnant everything changed or should I say once we moved in together everything came to light. I couldn’t party anymore because I was pregnant but it didn’t stop him. I discovered he had been talking, texting some chick at the club and we broke up after a big fight that resulted in him chasing me high speed down the freeway which was crazy because he kept pulling in front of me going 100 mph to try and stop me. 2 weeks later I beg him to come home I was pregnant and scared and had no job. Nothing changed and I gave him an ultimatum. He left, moved in with some chic and I tried to be stronger this time around but he didn’t leave me alone but wasn’t in a hurry to come back either. It wasn’t until the sonogram I was 4 months before he came back. Still nothing changed; he would go out every Thursday, Friday and Saturday night. Wouldn’t come home many of those nights and then wanted to play family on Sunday. By this time I was trained to just turn a blind eye in fear of abandonment.

At 26 weeks (6 months) I went into preterm labor. Had a preemie 2lbs 2oz with major lung problems. She fought for her life in the NICU for 9 months. Battled a deadly virus which almost took her life 2 days before Christmas. She had multiple surgeries and ended up with a trech and g-button. Three days after she was born dad lost his job because he failed a drug test. I was on maternity leave and we were broke. I soon went back to work only to get fired a couple of months later after her first surgery. He had a difficult time finding work being that he had a criminal record and I honestly by this time hit bottom. After the baby all the drama with him before she was born and the discovery of his affair after she was born that he denied having for months I was hospitalized with postpartum depression. He was never supportive during the entire time she was in the hospital. He was always gone. He didn’t stay out all night as often and slowed down the partying a bit since of course money was an issue. He resorted to illegal means of making money and I believed him being gone was because he was out hustling to make a living. I finally found a job and moved in preparation for our girl to come home. At 10 months old she finally came home. Dad had just found a job and everything started looking up until BAM!!! They let him go after a couple of weeks due to his record. He was devastated became very depressed and before you know it his little cycle of infidelity began again. 

This time the story was that the chic he had an affair with before was helping him by fronting him dope to sell. I said no way it’s me or her and that crap can’t stay in our house. So once again he left (3rd time). He was gone three months. I of course begged him to come back mostly because I was so afraid of him getting busted. I knew this woman didn’t love him and was just using him. They were using each other. He called every day to reassure me he loved me he was coming back and to just be his friend and understand it’s something he had to do to feel like a man. I knew he was probably using too and was so worried about him. At this point I just felt like this woman who was married by the way was taking advantage of him. He was her little boy toy dope boy and could care less what happened to him. When he finally returned he had saved 8 grand which to me wasn’t worth it considering I earned 9 during those three months he was gone. 

By this time our relationship was ruined. I loved him but there was no trust. He wasn’t the same after he came back. He would cry, he was depressed. Honestly he appeared to me like he lost the love of his life. He said it wasn’t her it was the lifestyle and feeling important that he missed. I tried to understand him and appear supportive but honestly I just couldn’t relate. So then after searching for a job with no luck he decides to start selling marijuana. I begged him not to I couldn’t stand the idea of him getting busted. I offered to get a second job he refused. So once again he was gone all the time making money. Strange thing though he was always broke never helped with the bills. He started that staying out all night crap again and after I busted him at a friend’s house with 2 other girls I went crazy on him we almost broke up I told him to leave but this time he didn’t. He stayed and straightened up a little. He started coming home every night and spent a little more time together but it wasn’t enough for me. I wanted more I needed more. I know he was trying to do better but it just wasn’t enough. 

I still didn’t fully trust him I began having suspicions about another girl that was supposedly just a friend. I found an empty antibiotic bottle and receipt for STD test in his car. I was livid! He said it was from when he left me for that girl with the dope. I didn’t believe him but I couldn’t prove it. My gut was telling me he was still cheating and I became obsessed with trying to catch him. A year after his return I caught him at another chic’s house who he was supposedly only friends with but never would prove they were only friends. I flipped out became enraged and smashed his car with my car and became homicidal and suicidal. Long story short spent a week in the mental hospital was treated for depression, I was ordered by CPS to continue outpatient treatment and I had to take a class on choosing healthy relationships. He moved out while I was in the hospital which I of course begged him not to do. But then I started getting a little stronger with counseling and the classes and I was really on my way to recovery this time. I started blowing him off for the first time and he was pissed became slightly stockerish which wasn’t like him that was always my job. Then one day he told me not to call him he never wanted to see me again so I changed my number. 2 days later he showed up on my doorstep at 5 am begging, crying and apologizing for everything he had ever done or said wrong. I truly believed him. I had never heard him accept accountability or responsibility for anything. He always was one to blame blame blame. Had excuses for days, lied, manipulated etc. So to me this was a big step for change from him. I took him back we got married last October and immediately he found a job driving trucks over the road. It was tough at first cause we hardly saw each other but it was ok I really thought everything was finally turning around for us. No more girls, no more drugs, no more financial hardship. We moved into a nice big house everything was great. Then he got a new job that allowed him to be home on the weekends and 1 day during the week. I thought fantastic now we can be together more.
How naive…..the first 3 weekends on his new job he went out partying and didn’t come home. I would confront him and he would be meaning rude and emotionally and verbally abusive. He was real good at putting me down and when I would tell him I was sick of his crap he liked to remind me how he’s the best thing to happen to me, how he didn’t beat me like my last husband and how no man would want me cause I had five kids. I prayed in my bed for God to reveal to me if he’s having an affair. We were married now and I needed to know the truth and I begged God please make it easy this time. I don’t want to spend the next year obsessing trying to find clues and evidence I need hard proof that’s undeniable. The next morning he returned after being gone all night and changed his clothes to go fishing. I wanted him to stay home with us but he refused then I told him to watch the baby for an hour so I could get my feet done and I left he stood in the doorway calling me a selfish ***** he threatened to divorce me etc. etc. so I came back and let him go. Later that afternoon I drove to the lake and BAM!!!! I busted him red handed fishing with the same old chic from before. All this time he still had a relationship with her. He denies of course and said it was the first time he saw her since the dope days. 

That was April 22nd. It’s been 3 and half months now since he got his apartment. She lived there the first two months while I had no contact with him. He put her out after we started talking again a month ago but I found out she was there last weekend the entire weekend. We have been talking a lot this past week and I’m really struggling with what to do at this point. I honestly can’t say for sure if I even want him back at this point. I had told him as long as she lived there we had no chance in hell for reconciliation. So he put her out but then after a week of talking and seeing each other we got into it, he accused me of being with somebody else and then sends me a picture of another chic he was dating then said mean hurtful crap to me said he was settling being with me and her. So I kept blowing him off shooting down all his insults. Early the next morning he threatens to leave town that I would never see him again I told him I didn’t care. He starts psycho dialing me next thing you know he busts out my bedroom window which he denied doing. I couldn’t understand why he did that if he didn’t love me and didn’t want me anymore. So after a week of arguing things started to calm down. I then texted him that he was forcing me to do something I didn’t want to do. I hate divorce but I could live my life hanging on a string waiting for him to change. Since then we have been communicating more but he still makes no time to see me or his daughter. He really acts as though he did nothing wrong that everything was my fault. That I pushed him away. He was already planning on leaving me if I didn’t change etc. etc. He says I was disrespectful to him, I didn’t appreciate him, I let myself go, I was always depressed, I was never satisfied, that we were always divided, I made decisions without and he didn’t simply feel like a man or the man of the house. HE blames me for snooping and says that if I really loved him I wouldn’t go looking for crap that would hurt me or destroy our relationship. Excuse me???? He was afraid of me hurting him or getting him in trouble. He says I had a good man and didn’t know how to be a good wife and don’t know what a real wife is. I honestly think this is a bunch of BS he has convinced himself to justify being a selfish jerk off.

I feel like he has selective memory and has forgotten all the rotten crap he has done and is blowing out of proportion everything I have done wrong and isn’t giving me any credit for the good. I’m really hurt and feel like he has all the power right now. I’m not sure I really love this man anymore but I can’t seem to file for divorce. No contact is difficult because we have a child. Part of me wants to disappear to show him I’m not playing this time either he choose me or loose me but then on the other hand why do that because even if he started chasing me I could never trust him. It would take serious counseling to help us which he is in no hurry to start doing. Why would he? I want counseling he knows I want counseling and agreed to go but hasn’t taken any initiative to set an appointment. I’m really not sure what to do right now or how to deal with him. I don’t want to look weak or give him the impression I’m sweating him waiting for his return but I also don’t want him thinking I won’t give him a chance to make things right. I just know I’m exhausted oh and I lost my job and I’m losing the house I can’t obviously pay for. You would think he would come home; nope….and doesn’t want our daughter he said that would make things too easy for me. I feel controlled, betrayed, used, abused, rejected, neglected, abandoned and completely taken for granted.

Deep down I love him, he has good qualities believe or not we used to have fun and he made me feel like I was the only girl in the world. He could be so charming, loving, giving etc. etc. but so much has been done and said and I can’t keep living this way in constant fear that he’s going to leave me, cheat on me, and always feel inadequate that I’m not living up to his standards. I definitely don’t want to get back together without really working on things but right now he’s enjoying being a single bachelor banging all these other girls and making me grovel as if I’m the one that got busted.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow!

Do you have custody of your 3 kids from the first marriage? Are they being exposed to him and his world? 

If not for you then how about for him, realize he is not a good man who steps up to tackle life and take care of people he loves.

He is never going to be there for up you. He walked out on you when pregnant, he's abandoned his sick child.

As a mom you need to do everything you can to protect your children from his lifestyle and values. You want them having role models of success and responsibility in their lives, not drug using felons.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

OP -- do not think I am asking it in a judgmental tone, but if you don't mind please do answer the question. Do you feel that you NEED a man in your life all the time? I was reading, and it seems like you almost always have a man in the picture. It concerns me, and I wonder if you know that you are absolutely capable of having a really good life even if it means you don't have a man. I feel like you are rushing into relationships and getting hurt, and it is doing a very bad number on your self esteem. 

I personally believe that there is too much to get past in your current relationship. I would honestly say that you getting you and your children safe and happy should be your first step. Don't worry about men, and just get YOU happy and in a place where you can care for your kids!


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Honestly, yes I do. I can't stand to be alone. I've never been alone much in my adult life or even as a teen for that matter. I'm not sure why I am like this. I think it may have something to do with the fact that my father never had a relationship with me, my mother always had a man and was so busy with her own life that she was very neglectfull as well so I was a very lonely child. After I became involved with my first boy friend at 13 I was hooked. Couldn't go with out a guy since. I love being in a relationship. I feel most secure and happy. I'm able to function even if it is a dysfunctional one. I don't know how to be happy single its extremely uncomfortable for me. This time I am trying though. Im avoiding getting involved with men in any form right now and its quite lonely. I'm very jealous of my husband because hes living fancy free dating other females. He's not alone hes not having to deal with this pain. Also, its boreing being single I hate going out by myself to dinner, movies etc. I just dont understand how single people have any fun, enjoy life and what about sex OMG masterbating is nothing like making love with a human being. I know my life iss full with my kids. I have all my kiddos but Mom still gotta have me time and an adult companion. I hate being a single parent but I have a feeling Im gonna have to start getting used to it because my husband is right about one thing. It will be very difficult to find a good man having five kids. I think now Im a target for ever user and abuser and I cant take another a-hole hurting me again next time im going to prison.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

I would like to kick your husband's teeth in. 

You are going to have a problem finding a good man regardless of how many children you have because you are looking for your own self worth from someone else! For some reason, abusive people can see someone like you from a mile away. Should you let go? Hell yes! Why wouldn't you?

You also have five children. You are in the process of raising your daughters to be like you and your sons to be like him. Should you let go? Hell yes!

You need to use your higher mind and control your need for sex as opposed to masturbation. Personally, I think that is just an excuse you use to justify your inability to deal with your inner demons. 

The last thing you need right now is any type of relationship. You have a lot to work on within yourself and a relationship will most likely prevent you from the task ahead.

I know that being a mother to five kids makes you feel you will never have more/be more than that but trust me that time goes by quickly. Focus on getting yourself set straight and focus on providing the right type of parenting for your children. You will find one day that you have quite a few years left for pursuing a relationship with a "good man" but you must make yourself, in your own eyes, worthy of such a man.

I am saying this with love....you are not a victim, you volunteered for this crap and if you don't stop the cycle now you will be doomed to repeat it over and over again.

Should you let go? Isn't that a silly question for you to be asking? I have a sense that you already knew the answer to that one.

A better question would be: Do you have what it takes to fix this for yourself?

The correct answer is: Hell yes!

Go hug your kids and be so thankful for them. They can be your strength when you are weak. Go celebrate the first day of the rest of your life and your decision not to be a volunteer anymore!


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

i have always been pro-marriage but in your case, I think it is time to end your sham of a marriage and move on.

He is emotionally abusive... it's not only hurting you, but your kids, as well.


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## sugahoneyplum (Aug 7, 2012)

Yes it is silly your right. I know I should let it go. Do I have what it takes to fix this? I don't know, what does it take? I have no F-ing clue what I'm doing, how to do this. I know I want to get over him, get past this neediness. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and find a beautifull, emotionally secure, strong, confident woman thats happy, satisfied, content, fulfilled and independent looking back at me. I don't know how to transform myslef into that person I aspire to me. Everyone says focus on you take care of your self. What the hell does that mean? Love yourself. What the hell does that mean?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

sugahoneyplum said:


> Honestly, yes I do. I can't stand to be alone. I've never been alone much in my adult life or even as a teen for that matter. I'm not sure why I am like this. I think it may have something to do with the fact that my father never had a relationship with me, my mother always had a man and was so busy with her own life that she was very neglectfull as well so I was a very lonely child. After I became involved with my first boy friend at 13 I was hooked. Couldn't go with out a guy since. I love being in a relationship. I feel most secure and happy. I'm able to function even if it is a dysfunctional one. I don't know how to be happy single its extremely uncomfortable for me. This time I am trying though. Im avoiding getting involved with men in any form right now and its quite lonely. I'm very jealous of my husband because hes living fancy free dating other females. He's not alone hes not having to deal with this pain. Also, its boreing being single I hate going out by myself to dinner, movies etc. I just dont understand how single people have any fun, enjoy life and what about sex OMG masterbating is nothing like making love with a human being. I know my life iss full with my kids. I have all my kiddos but Mom still gotta have me time and an adult companion. I hate being a single parent but I have a feeling Im gonna have to start getting used to it because my husband is right about one thing. It will be very difficult to find a good man having five kids. I think now Im a target for ever user and abuser and I cant take another a-hole hurting me again next time im going to prison.


 Then you have your children's futures to think of. How do you work on yourself? Well, you sit down with a piece of paper and you write down what you want from life for YOU. Career goals, goals with your kids, goals for your own personal sanity. I will use mine as an example. I want to be a successful social worker. I want to change that kids in the system are just a number. I want my son, who is autistic, to be able to socialize and function in society without having a complex. I want both my boys to find someone who will treat them right to spend their lives with. If they never find that someone, I want them to have a life so full of joy and excitement that they are blissfully happy. Now you go.


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