# stunned,- need advice to help me process this



## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i am dead exhausted, just got home from a long weekend, that included tons of driving but more importantly a very significant, imo, incident, of what occured w/ my bf..

honestly right now I am dog tired so I will just write a very brief question and later after i get some rest come back later to fill in the blansk..

in a nutshell what hpapened is that my boyfriend had previously assured, promised me, that he was not going to have contact of any type w/ this ex of his..pls keep in mind this is just the very very short quikly written post bc im too tired, so i will fill in more later. 
but i was so distraught and stunned by what he told me, that i felt l needed to write some short post now to hopfully get little advice

anywys he had promised me that he was not going to answer her calls, call her, text, etc etc as she has been after him for a while now,

just one short week ago we celebrated his bday, it was awesome, with some of his family/ friends..
then, 3 night ago, he told me that he had gone over to 'susan's house for a short bit, (his ex) and had only gone there to make sure she was doing ok and they talked a while.

i was stunned, bc not long ago he had told me he loved me so much and he didnt want to lose me, just bc of chatting with her sometimes. He made a decision on his own not to have contact w her. 

when i tried to explalin to him how hurt and shocked i was, he said he was 'sorry i felt hurt' but that he was gonna continue to visit w/ her form time to time, because "nobody is going to tell him what friends to have..."

this is a woman who had tried to get him back, even after she knew we are a couple, she would call him and try to start talking dirty with him, etc.

i am just plain dazed and confused

at this point he says that he loves me very much, but nobody has a right to 'tell him what friends to have'---

BUT WHAT IF THAT 'FRIEND' is an ex, one who has tried on several occasions to start something up with him

i cant believe he seems totally ok with fact how this hurts me, he just repeated, he's sorry if i feel sad, but noone can tell him what to do.

i expalined to him im not telling him what to do, i am also not telling him to not have friends..there is a big difference b/w a 'friend' or buddy he has a beer with, and this woman who's his ex, who has numerous times come on to him.
he claims that he is pretty sure she wont do that anymore, and regardless, she is his 'friend'

ill write more later, there is more to fill in the blanks later

thaks for any advice


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I don't like saying anything if there are "blanks" to be filled in, but I'll do it anyway.
Major red flags for me here. If she's attempted in the past to get back with him, and talk dirty to him (etc.), she's not a "friend" of your relationship. If she's not a friend of the r-ship, she has no business being in it in any fashion.
This whole "no one is telling me what friends to have"...justifying his actions with this ex. That he has to justify it tells me he knows he's doing something he probably shouldn't be doing.
He previously broke contact ON HIS OWN b/c it hurt you, and now he's gone back on that.
And even more...he simply doesn't care about your feelings regarding this matter. He's going to keep contacting this EX, knowing it causes you pain.
All big red flags for me. I don't want to worry you, but if I were in your shoes I'd be worried. And then I'd start doing things I wouldn't want to do, but would have to. The whole snooping thing. As far as privacy goes, I don't care. You lose your right to privacy when you're SHOWING me that I have reason for concern. I would be wondering how much minimizing he was doing when he went to her house to "just talk" to make sure she was "doing ok". Doesn't he care if YOU are doing ok?
You're obviously very upset, and I would certainly be as well if I were in your shoes. I get suspicious when someone reverses their position in such a way. 
I will say I'm sorry that you're hurting, and I hope you can get to the bottom of this and put your r-ship back on track. Sounds like he's trying to derail it at this point. I'm going to withhold further comment until you've filled in the blanks. Rest well.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Well, he is right that no one can tell him what to do. At the same time, though, a good man would not do something that he knows bothers his significant other, and then throw it in her face that no one can tell him what to do. 

Everybody is their own person, and no one has the right to tell someone else what they can or cannot do and who they can or cannot be friends with. But intelligent, mature people who want to be in a relationship use a little common sense and courtesy to know that being friends with that person or doing that activity is going to bother the person they are dating/living with/married to, and they decide for themselves to respect their partner and not be friends with that person or do that activity. 

He seems to care more about what he wants than what you want. He's made his stand and made clear that he's going to keep talking to her. How long have you two been dating? It sounds to me like this is the point where you prove to him that you deserve better and move on.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> i am dead exhausted, just got home from a long weekend, that included tons of driving but more importantly a very significant, imo, incident, of what occured w/ my bf..
> 
> honestly right now I am dog tired so I will just write a very brief question and later after i get some rest come back later to fill in the blansk..
> 
> ...


#1 - Going to visit an ex at thier home... if my wife does this, i am going to assume that she did the worst once she got there. I mean, even if he pleads he did nothing. Once you are in a relationship, you give up the right to visit ex's on a regular basis. He is basically disrespecting your relationship.

#2 - Ummm, all i can say is ... That's not how mature adults handle thier affairs. I'm sorry, if he wants to hold firm on this, then you need to consider giving him an ultimatum. 

You tell him, if he wishes to continue to visit this ex, that still wants him, he can do it as a single man. No way are you going to allow yourself to be a doormat, while he gets to play nurse. I'm pretty sure he wouldn't appreciate you "hanging out" with your ex. Let me guess... he's about 23-27??? This sounds like something a young guy would pull...


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

sorry, see post below


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Kick him to the curb and don't look back. Yep, he can have whatever friends he wants. And yep, you can move on! 

If he wants to be "friends" with an ex who talks dirty to him and then meet her privately at her home, something is off. If he set clear boundaries with her and enforced them, I wouldn't be so concerned. You know, if he saw her a couple times a year at a convention they had both enjoyed, he told her and enforced his boundaries on appropriate written communication, etc..

This is not about who he can see-absolutely his right. It's about that fact that YOU won't tolerate a SO who carries on with an ex in what YOU find an inappropriate manner. And, as someone already said, most people would agree with you that his behavior is inappropriate, but that is not the issue. You find his behavior unacceptable, so you are willing to walk. Do it.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

i am sick over what happened, im sorry I tried to write this post several times, just cant seem to do it, I dont understand i thought I knew the man he is, but this weekend several incidents happened that make it look like he's a totally different person than i thought...
i guess ill have to write later about it if i can.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> i am sick over what happened, im sorry I tried to write this post several times, just cant seem to do it, I dont understand i thought I knew the man he is, but this weekend several incidents happened that make it look like he's a totally different person than i thought...
> i guess ill have to write later about it if i can.


Forget writing it later... we get the drift about what's going on here, so its no reason to waste anymore time with that. What's more important is what you do with yourself next. What are you going to do about this? This problem will NOT fix itself with actions from you.


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

First of all, I am really sorry that you are going through this. I know it is rough right now and you are hurting, but stay strong. 

I have to tell you that you most likely have a great deal to be concerned about. I have seen a similar situation with my sister and her husband. He had an ex g.f. that had tried to get him back for some time that he recent reconnected on Facebook (10 years later). When my sister found out, she told him that she did not feel comfortable with this and that it hurt her. He assured her that they were only "friends" and that she could not tell him who he could be friends with. He told her that there was nothing to worry about, but a few months later she found many emails and texts detailing their sexual escapades (very graphic messages). This was after she took him back for cheating with this woman once before. I am not indicting your b.f, but I think you definitely have reason for concern. 

The fact that he is unwilling to give up the relationship is very disconcerting. I suspect that he is trying to play both of you to see what happens. I believe he is trying to "have his cake and eat it too".
At the very least, the fact that he will not recognize how this is hurting you and that he is being inappropriate is very telling of him. He does not seem like a man who is concerned about your feelings. 

Perhaps there is hope to reconcile if he agrees to end the contact, but I am doubtful. It is very hard to rebuild trust in a relationship. I hate to say it, but I would be very wary of your b.f. and reconsider the relationship. Just be glad that you are not married to him. Hang in there and stay strong!


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

thanks so much for the replies so far..its really hit me pretty hard, because he had seemed to be a man who was very gentle with me, concerned about how i feel about stuff, we recently celebrated his bday, that was *just last weekend- all day saturday, and then the next day, with his family at a big dinner all day. he told me it was "the best birthday he ever had, bc of me" . his uncle who is a photographer took pictures of me and him at the head of the dinner table that day, and he told his friends Im the best thing that ever happened to him. I gave him a really special present he said meant alot, etc etc. That is part of what makes me so stunned that only two days after this birthday weekend, he stopped by his ex's house.
*
I thought he really cared about me, and how i feel about stuff, and always keeps track of how I am, what im doing, etc. He is the type if me and him are out, and I use the restroom and am gone more than 2 minutes, he is calling on my cell to see if Im still in the restroom. he always seems concerned where I am, what im doing, etc.
one time this friend of his wanted to buy this jewlery i make, for his girlfriend. My boyfriend said was fine'but if he decided to buy a bracelet or something from me, not to call me for the sale, that he should call my boyfriend first, and then my boyfriend would arrange it with me. He seems to really care about me..after I leave a date, he usually calls later to make sure i got home ok and stuff.

*but this weekend its like all of a sudden, he is this man who is telling me 'this is the way it is, I will decide what goes on, and Im sorry if it hurts you, but that's the way it is...

*
when he told me this the other night, I broke down at one point and started to cry, it was something where we talked a little about it, then I told him I wanted to go home to be alone for a bit, but he wouldnt let me leave. He said 'no, no..its not a good idea for you to leave, just stay here.' I really honestly felt like i needed to go by myself and be alone at home and think about stuff, but when i brought it up again a while later, that it was time for me to go home, and i would call him later, he basiclaly said 'no'. so I was sort of stuck staying there, to deal with all the emotion of it, and ended up just sitting there in a daze sort of half watching tv. 

Yesterday in the morning we met another couple, friends of his to have coffee. We were there over an hour, and at one point i said i wanted to glance at some gift tea they had, and took just like 2 minutes to look at the teas they had..i said to my bf "babe, I'll be right back, im gonna grab my wallet from the car" and walked out to my car. I was goign to buy my brother one of those teas. My bf followed me out to my car, I was literally only at my car about 15 seconds, he followed me out and asked what I was doing. I didnt understand what the problem was, I said "oh, i thought you heard me, i said i was just gonna grab my wallet" and he said it was inappropriate for me to be "wandering around"..that I should have been sitting with him the whole time. I said "i just was looking at tea for a couple minutes, I've been sitting with all you guys the whole time" and he said "well, your my gf, and its rude, you should be sitting next to me" so he walked back inside with me, I never got the tea...his friends looked at me kind of embarrased, bc they saw him sort of reprimanding me, if that's what you call it, at my car. I felt embarrased, like a little kid who got in trouble or something. I made sure the rest of the time not to get up at all,.
the way he said it surprised me, he has always been like really gentle, it was the thing attracted me in first place...

i dont feel anything was resolved, I guess it was for him. He called me last night after i got home and said goodnight .. i just feel numb, because basicaly he's saying 'go along with this' I dont feel right knowing anytime, if he wants to, he'll go over to her house to visit. But i dont want to, believe it or not, the idea of breaking up with him makes me sick too.
i dont know what to do

i really do love him very much, we have a bond that i would be crushed if it were broken...yet, i am like in the twilight zone right now, dealing with his words, that i need to basically go along with how he wants stuff, he will do what he wants, and i should understand....that is gonna be very difficult to deal with, my feeling of trust is wavering right now

the main thing that im concerned, hurt about, and so shocked by, is how he seems williing to let me be hurt. I thought he was always concerned for my feelings too, not just his own, its one of main things that attracted me in first place to him. But he was so short about it, he didnt really show much compassion at all, it was just like 'sorry if your hurt..dont cry babe...but its just that nobody can tell me what friends to have...it will be ok..' There were at least two incidents i know of not all that long ago where she was very explicit with him. Why doesnt he understand how it would be wrong for him to go over there, and why doesnt he understand or acknowledge how that would make most women insecure and hurt, and feel distrusting?
I tried to explain to him a difference b/w a friend, and a woman who comes onto you...he vaguely said "well, i dont think she'll do it anymore..but she's still a friend, I care about her as a person..."
it feels like in a way, he is choosing her over me...he is willing to put me at risk, so he can contact her. 
thats what hurts so bad, i feel totally devalued, i remember that whole birthday weekend, and he is saying he would take a chance on throwing THAT away,? 
i thought that was the best stuff on earth and would never put it at risk...his dad told us he is gonna send us the photographs of him and me from the dinner that day that his uncle took...when i picture how those photos might look, him and me hugging and celebrating, I cannot fathom how he would carelessly put that at risk...
i am staying home today, taking a sick day, i feel like im gonna be sick to my stomach

Rob, what you wrote is how I felt exactly-- the part about him 'playing nurse'..he said it like he just needed to make sure she's doign ok...i told him she has friends, family for that, also there are social workers, but he just stood firm with how he cant allow himself to be told who to see/not see...and your right, i dont think he might like it, if i told him i had to go tend to my ex, to make sure he's ok, have a drink with him and get him feeling better..he would be on my doorstep demanding to know wtf is going on. Since I have been like 160% loyal to him, I have never given him one small thing to be jealous of..he told me before he appreciates how i am so loyal, and how i conduct myself..he said other gf's he had in the past, would flirt, or act in a way he felt jealous of with other men, if they were out somewhere, but he really likes how I am so different than that and it means alot to him to know he can trust me..i thought he was extending the same to me, by valuing our relationship and not even giving an appearance of wrongdoing, like hanging out with ex's


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The man you describe is not loving; his behavior is very controlling and suspicious. It is not "normal" to call someone who has been in the bathroom 2 minutes--it is controlling and suggests he does not trust you. You have made the mistake of thinking this is "caring" behavior but it is actually very worrisome behavior. I suspect he will become abusive if you challenge him and then he will blame you for his behavior. Run, don't walk, away from this man.

The fact that you have seen it as something "good" means you probably have pretty low self-esteem and *you* believe you need someone to look after you. Please, get some counseling until you realize you are 100% capable of living a full,happy life without a man to take care of you.Then, you will be loathe to give up your independence and you will become VERY choosy about the man who wins you.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

Your "boyfriend" has no respect for your feelings. Visiting his ex who tries to get him back, shows that he has unresolved feelings for her. I wouldn't be surprised if they were still physical with each other.
I agree that we are free to make our own choices in life. Right now, this jerk is choosing to disregard your feelings, which are quite reasonable.
My husband doesn't like it when I dress in a revealing manner, because it makes him uncomfortable to think of men oggling his "precious wife". Since I realize that this concern is out of care and not an attempt to control me, I choose to refrain from looking like a skank. It's called compromise.
Leave this man before he steals all of your self respect.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I wanted to add that the double standards are troubling as well. It's almost like you are allowing yourself to be his puppet.
Sisters359, my husband has never been abusive to me, nor does he call me every 5 seconds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> he basiclaly said 'no'. so I was sort of stuck staying there, to deal with all the emotion of it, and ended up just sitting there in a daze sort of half watching tv.


This is so scary. He says 'no' and you listen? Why on earth would you possibly let him treat you like that? 

Only a very weak and insecure man would treat someone like he treats you. You need to stand up for yourself, now and forever.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

He tells you that no one can tell him what to do; yet he tells you what to do all the time, and you let him do it. I find the fact that he exhibits controlling behavior very disturbing, but I find the fact that you allow him to control you and label it as being caring and sweet even more disturbing. 

As I stated earlier, he is right that no one can tell him what to do. This applies to YOU, as well. No one can tell you what to do. He is your boyfriend, not your master. He can ASK you to do something, but you have every right to do as you please. 

Please, don't let this continue. Stand up for yourself. And seriously consider ending this relationship. He's controlling, which is a form of abuse in my opinion, and he's basically telling you he'll cheat on you. These are major signs of a bad relationship.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

And you are with him because? ......?

If I were you I think I'd leave the relationship.

He has you trained to not see that he is treating you badly and is likely doing things you would not like to know about with this ex or others.

And his following you around bashing you for getting your wallet?

It'll only get worse for you.

You're about to have your fantasy of what your life is with him burst.

It's coming soon.

Prepare yourself.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

sisters359 said:


> The man you describe is not loving; his behavior is very controlling and suspicious. It is not "normal" to call someone who has been in the bathroom 2 minutes--it is controlling and suggests he does not trust you. You have made the mistake of thinking this is "caring" behavior but it is actually very worrisome behavior. I suspect he will become abusive if you challenge him and then he will blame you for his behavior. Run, don't walk, away from this man.
> 
> The fact that you have seen it as something "good" means you probably have pretty low self-esteem and *you* believe you need someone to look after you. Please, get some counseling until you realize you are 100% capable of living a full,happy life without a man to take care of you.Then, you will be loathe to give up your independence and you will become VERY choosy about the man who wins you.



I agree with this post 100%. This man is SHOWING you who he is...PLEASE BELIEVE HIM. Words are easy...it's the actions that you should be paying the most attention to. You are setting yourself up for heartache to remain with this man. It's only going to get worse, as the r-ship continues to progress and he sees you more and more as his "property". 

You don't need this. More heartache is going to come. More confusion. You're going to doubt yourself, when HE is the one with the problem. Controlling men can be very charming and manipulative...that's how they rope someone in in the first place. Don't buy it. Please...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

He sucked you in by seducing you with caring and kindness because that works. He may have been attracted to you because you responded to his solicitous attitude and he could gage how needy you were. Now he got you were he wants you, emotionally invested "in love". Why after the birthday party - simple, you put much effort into the party thus assuring him of your devotion. He knew than that you were hooked. 

Then he pulls out the second act the person he really is. He is certain that you will not leave because he has carefully selected you and plans on settling in for a satisfying relationship with two woman to fulfill his needs.

Now, do you want to go along with this script. It won't change he was being brutally honest with you, and he was right about your reaction. Any woman with better self-protective skills and self respect would have walked. 

He seduced you into this relationship by deception, he had a master plan. He does not respect you as a human being just a tool for his comfort. Is this what you want? 

BTW you don't love him, you loved the person he presented the person he convinced he was, that person does not exist but you are addicted to the relationship even though you know it's no good. 

If you leave you will suffer withdrawal for a while from the high but its better than entangling yourself for years to finally have him leave when he finds someone else to work his magic on. 

Do this it will make you feel empowered something you need, surprise him, stop all contact with him, don't explain why you broke it off. Just make it clear that it is over no explanation, that aught to make him less sure of himself and maybe save another vulnerable young woman from being suckered in.


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## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> He tells you that no one can tell him what to do; yet he tells you what to do all the time, and you let him do it. I find the fact that he exhibits controlling behavior very disturbing, but I find the fact that you allow him to control you and label it as being caring and sweet even more disturbing.
> 
> As I stated earlier, he is right that no one can tell him what to do. This applies to YOU, as well. No one can tell you what to do. He is your boyfriend, not your master. He can ASK you to do something, but you have every right to do as you please.
> 
> Please, don't let this continue. Stand up for yourself. And seriously consider ending this relationship. He's controlling, which is a form of abuse in my opinion, and he's basically telling you he'll cheat on you. These are major signs of a bad relationship.


:iagree:

Listen to her or you will waste your life on this loser. Real men don't need to control their partners like this, they have the self-confidence to let them be individuals.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I am very sorry that this is happening to you, but please listen to the other posters here.

I am almost 100% certain he was/is physical with his ex if he went to her house. Meeting for coffee is one thing, but going to her home is another. That is something you actively avoid if you don't want to spark an old flame, and he jumped right into the fire.

He disrespects you to your face and then hypocritically tries to control you. He does not love you. Well, he does, but only in the same way someone might love a nice pair of sneakers, or... a chair. You are his 'thing'. He can lavish you with attention when he wants, but really you are a commodity, for his comfort and use, and when you have any basic human needs (like courtesy, respect, fidelity and independence) you are the one that is out of line. You have said over and over again that everything is just about what he wants.

Think about a future and a family with this man. Think about when not only you, but your children, have needs, and he is off starting fires with his old flames. The irony is, even though you love him, staying will push him further away from you. Every time you allow mistreatment and disrespect he will lose more and more respect and abuse you more until he sees that you're broken and you are no longer an interesting 'object'. Then he'll take his warranty and trade you in.

I am sorry if these words are hard to read. I know it hurts like hell, but you need to realise that HE is the one hurting you, and you have the power to put a stop to the pain. It will not cease straight away, of course, it might hurt incredibly, but the torture will be over at least, and you can begin healing yourself. Let him be friends with whoever the hell he likes, just not with you. Find someone who treats you like a person, not a plaything. Be strong, you can get through this.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

thanks for advice,..I am not doing good...i am goign to stay home again today by myself, I just cant believe it..
not to be redundant, but I am just so stunned..i feel like i want to hide away under a blanket for the next couple days, or weeks, or years...

i feel stuck, and unable to move..i cant bear the thought of losing him, yet its heartbreaking, also humiliating to stay with him under these conditions,...if i resign myself to him visiting ex's, then he might feel more emboldened to do the next thing, and the next,..he might feel like he can basically even sleep with other people, if he wants to, and i have to just accept it..im not saying he would, it just worries me, if I go along with this, what he will want me to resign myself to next


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Of course you're not doing good! You just had an eye-opening (hopefully) experience. He's turning out to not be the man you thought he was. You go ahead and take care of YOU right now. In fact, the more you think and care about you, the more you're going to see this for what it is. 

When I first entered into a r-ship with my kids dad (married 20 years) I remember thinking that his jealous and controlling behavior meant that he loved me. It sure the hell wasn't love. It took me so long to realize (after really getting into the nitty gritty of understanding emotional abuse) that I was nothing more than a piece of property to him. He had all the "rights", and I had none. Not even the right to be treated with decency and respect. I beat myself up for a long time over what I perceived to be a waste of those years. I got past that. I just didn't want to believe that I could have been so wrong about this man. 

The more comfortable he gets with you (he's testing you right now to see just how much you're going to let him get away with) the more you're going to see the REAL him. This is just the first of what is likely going to be more to come. I'm so sorry for your pain, I truly am. You have the power here to control your life. Don't give that power to someone else.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Sweetie, I think you are missing the point. Yes, you are feeling awful right now, because you have seen the "real" man behind what you thought he was. And thank goodness you see how awful and ugly his real side is. The "nice" stuff is all an act. 

You are "in love" with his "good side," BUT his good side is really NOT good. Calling you every 2 minutes, REPRIMANDING YOU FOR GOING TO YOUR CAR????? You have given very explicit details of controlling behavior, and his is really bad--constant AND escalating (as the car incident suggests). 

You need to break it off now. I guarantee he will make every effort to win you back--all sweet and loving. Once he feels secure about you, however, the controlling behavior will resume. For example, if you call him and say, "I can't do this. Sorry, we're done. Now you can see your ex all you want," he is likely to EITHER go balistic (a very bad sign) or promise he'll do better, weasel you back into his life, and escalate the OTHER controlling behaviors--calls, checking on your whereabouts, etc. (also a very bad sign). NONE OF THAT is concern for your well-being, no matter how much he claims it is. He needs to control you to reduce his anxieties (and god knows what they are really about; controlling you is his coping mechanism and has nothing to do with his real anxieties). 

So, call him, break it off-or just wait 'til he calls. Tell him you are done. Then, no dating until you have worked with a therapist to figure out why you are vulnerable to a man like this. Really. You will NOT die, although right now you will feel awful b/c you have really low-self esteem and you think "no one willl ever love me. . ." Until you can love yourself AND love being alone so much that you are very choosy about who you will give your time to, you will not be ready for another relationship. Just imagine enjoying your own company so much that a guy who proves to be a nice but boring date isn't worth sparing your time--you'd rather be alone. This is NOT a recipe for loneliness, trust me--when you really love yourself and value your "me" time so much, you are never lonely. So you only continue seeing friends and dates whose company equals the value of your precious "me" time--you drop all those people and activities you do now just to avoid being alone.

It can and will happen, enjoying yourself this much. It makes you "selfish" in a very good way--you will feel strong, independent, fully capable of being on your own, so that partnering will be a very careful choice based on someone adding to your already full life, not just filling an emptiness that comes from low self-esteem. 

You will make a huge step forward in choosing to stand up for yourself now. Find the courage. God bless and good luck!


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

major misfit said:


> This is just the first of what is likely going to be more to come.


:iagree:
This is very true.

Educate yourself on abusive relationships (what you're experiencing right now is emotional abuse).

Emotional Abuse

Toxic Men and Toxic Relationships

This should hopefully arm you with the tools you need to see things even more clearly and muster the strength to gather up the pieces of your heart and pride and leave.

If you are strong enough to demand more than this poor show of a relationship he's offering you, and leave, it's very likely you'll pique his interest again, and he will start to pursue you, tearfully promising he'll "change", bearing gifts. Do not fall for it.

Read about the cycle of abuse:

The Cycle of Abuse | Domestic Violence Wheel | Emotionally Battered Women

Best of luck and God bless.


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

PLEASE listen to the other posters and reconsider this relationship. I know that you love him and you are in terrible pain and afraid of ending things. Trust me (and the others posting here), this will not get better if you stay with him. There is no way that a man who is truly what you think he was would do this to you. Right now you are looking at the relationship through the "fog of love". It is hard for you to see him in an objective light because you are too close. The old saying about love being blind is definitely true, and right now you do not want to believe that he would be what you deep down already suspect he is. He IS using both of you right now.

I told you about my sister's husband earlier. Well when she first suspected he was cheating (and even the second time) he would follow her, show up to her work, not want her going out without him all the time. He was nervous that she would find out what he was up to and wanted to control the situation. I can guaruntee that he senses that you suspect him, and he wants to smother you so that you do not start to doubt him. He is playing games with your emotions because he is nervous about losing one of his options (you).

If you do leave him, he is going to plead with you and play on your emotions BIG TIME. He will try to push every emotional button he can to make you want to take him back. He will tell you that he cannot survive without you, and he will make you feel sorry for him. Please be strong and not let him play with you like this. Believe the posters here, you will be OK in the end. You seem like a very nice person, and you will find someone who does not want to treat you like this. I am sure he has many good qualities, but he is not treating you like a man who truly loves you. At the least, take some time away right now to figure things out. Perhasp the break will give you a little mental clarity. It is going to be hard for a while, but again, you will be fine. Stay strong!


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

Im scared, basically....
i hope this isnt the end of my life for me, i am knee high in grief 4 days before christmas too, also new years eve coming up...

knee high, sinking lower by new years eve I will be waist deep in it

how can i lose someone who means SO much to me,..i think the answer sadly, is, I can't. Yet, somehow I already have, what I have is what I thought I had...I can stay with him, but i have to keep my mouth shut and go along with his plan...I have options, but none of them seem like options. Its like options of "do you want to die on a train wreck, or a plane crash? which do you choose?" none of my options seem possible to me.
im stuck.
need a Christmas miracle.
really do..oh sh**


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

I hope you don't consider this too forward, but I checked out your previous posts... I see you have been in an emotionally and verbally abusive relationship before and this is how you set the standard of your current one. I think you need a strong support group of friends / family around you, and that you need to go into counselling to understand why you fall victim to men such as this who take advantage of your sweet nature. You need to learn how to stop encouraging this type of behaviour and claim back ultimate power they have over you. You will not die without this man, but because you have allowed him to form your choices thus far you feel incomplete without him

I tasted a tiny bit of emotional and verbal abuse and it devastated me (feel free to read my thread) but learning about it through talking with family and through insights on this forum made me know what it was, and helped me see that the tiny amount was enough for me thank you very much. I walked away, and you can too. 

Being pliant all the way through a relationship is like having 'doormat' tatooed on your forehead. There is no excuse for what he is trying to do to you. Some people just behave like jerks, whether you're pliant or not (my ex bf case in point) and you can't control that. All you can control is your response. You somehow need to learn that you're worth more than this. In a relationship, start as you mean to go on. If he started out with you in his pocket, he is going to try to keep you there, at the detriment of your emotional health and wellbeing. I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but after you have taken some time out to grieve what you percieved was 'good' about this relationship, you need to work on you. God bless you and I really hope you can get through this. ::Hugs::


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

Everything everyone said above me... is spot on!!! 

You really, really need to take a step to the side and end this relationship immediately!!! This behavior from him... is not normal. This is borderline phycho behavior. His controlling, just pretty much confirms he is cheating with this girl. Alot of times when guys cheat.. they become "ultra suspicious" of thier mate, because their guilt assures them, " If i cheat... perhaps they will cheat as well..." So he's tighten the noose, thus kept you close. 

Right now he is emotionally abusing you, hun i think you are moments away from it going to the next step, which is why you need to leave him RIGHT NOW!!! Forget christmas, end it now. Everyday you spend, is a wasted day of your life. He doesn't love you, he loves the power he has over you. A man who loves you don't treat a woman this way. You are dealing with a control freak that will probably never get better ... only worst. Leave and be thankful come Christmas time that he is out of your life. And you and your girlfriends can sit around and laugh how you just dodged a loser.

Or you could stay, and continue to be a doormat and cry almost everyday. 

Which outcome would you rather have???


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

oh sh**

need a Christmas miracle
this isnt going to turn out good for me, without one..
thanks everyone for your replies and caring.
I cant imagine living my life without him in it, and I cant imagine being with him if he is seeing other women..

not to be redundant, but any Christmas miracles for sale?


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> oh sh**
> 
> need a Christmas miracle
> this isnt going to turn out good for me, without one..
> ...


:scratchhead:

U've mentioned this more than once, i just don't see how you can say this after the way you are being treated. Is his d\ck made out of gold or something? You are doing yourself a disservice... seriously. Unless you just like and feed off of drama, your decision here is a no brainer...


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

No miracles, hun. Just life. You have to create your own miracle here. The miracle will be if you can suck it up, break it off with this "man", and go forward in your life with someone else. Yes, there WILL be someone else. It's a really hard thing to recognize what you're dealing with, and it takes courage to leave. Don't get caught up in the mindset of "changing" him. Not gonna happen, I promise.

Get some counseling, seriously. IF this is a pattern for you, you really want to break that pattern. You're worth better than this.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

please give some thoughts on break-ups, how to do it, or not do it, etc.

one thing that scares me, is what if I do it, then instantly regret it, panic and i cant get him back?

should i just tell him i need some time to think, or ??
but then, everyone knows that is pretty much aka as breaking up...
just wondering if there are good/bad things to avoid in the process and any alternatives to actually breaking up


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

Breakup tip #1: You need to read those links I sent you, then you will see that removing this man from your life is all the Christmas miracle you need.

Breakup tip #2: Talk to people that care about you, tell them everything and (pay attention here...) DON'T SUGAR COAT the instances of disrespect and controlling behavior that have occured in this relationship. They are not in love with this man, and they'll tell you the situation as they see it, which is what we have been doing, but becuase you know them you will be more inclined to listen to their advice.

Breakup tip #3: Change his name to 'Dontcallthisa$$hole" in your phone

Breakup tip #4: Make sure your friends know when you are feeling weak and like you want to call him - they will snap you out of it, and remind you of the disrespect they see so clearly but which your emotions will be trying to hide from you.

Breakup tip#5: Get counselling! There are a lot of free services, probably in your area. Just google. Emotional abuse is a real thing and you don't want to go through it again. 

Breakup tip #6: Read 'He's Just Not That Into You' - it's brutal, but also witty, and written from a man's perspective. It oversimplifies a lot of things, but the main message is true. A guy that's into you doesn't do what your stb ex bf is doing.

Hope that helped.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

laelsmom said:


> what if I do it, then instantly regret it, panic and i cant get him back?


I just saw this bit. You really need to talk to someone about your self esteem issues. Getting him back is the absolute last thing you want. If you 'change your mind', he will forever know that you don't have the courage of your convictions and will never break up with him, and the abuse will intensify. Before you tell him it's over YOU need to understand that it's REALLY OVER. It was over the minute he stepped into his ex's house, the minute he abused you. 

YOU need to accept that. HE is the one that will be wanting to 'get you back' and if you want a life without intense pain and tears then you better make sure he can't. I've offered all the advice I can here. Either you want to live a healthy life, in a healthy relationship with respect, or you don't. We have given our opinions and sources to back them up. You have the evidence of his abuse streaming down your face, so there is nothing for me to do but rest my case. You have all the facts. Time for you to deliver the verdict. Good luck to you.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

MP, good for you for sharing; I'm sure it wasn't easy, sharing it, and sure as heck nightmarish living it. But, you are thriving; yeah!!

Laelsmom, you really need counseling. Please contact a shelter for abused women and ask for some good recommendations for therapists. You are interpreting abusive behavior as "loving," and that is what is making it hard for you to leave. 

Trust is a huge component of love, yet he won't let you go to the bathroom or the car without suspicion; he didn't love you. He wants you to be with him but HE wants to be with whomever he wants to be with; he didn't love you. A person with a healthy sense of self would be FURIOUS at such treatment, not sad. Furious, and realizing that the man that treated her like this was a big pile of cow poo, just plain nasty.

For some reason you do not have a notion of healthy love, and you need to give yourself time to explore that. Promise yourself you won't date for as long as it takes to work through these issues with a counselor--really, make that promise to yourself because you deserve something so much better than you will get if you do not learn more about healthy relationships. 

You will be fine without a man in your life. You are smart, open to learning (you wouldn't be asking questions here if you weren't), and you have a deep well of love to share. Add confidence and some knowledge to that, and you will be radiating joy and self-confidence in a way that attracts good men to you. Abusers are attracted to women whose behavior suggests weakness and dependency, because they suspect they can manipulate and control these women. Often they are right. 

So, learn how to spot an abusive relationship at the get go. Learn to be happy alone so you don't just take the next guy out of fear of being alone. Learn to have your own expectations in a relationship and to be willing to stand up for them, even if it means moving on. You will be so glad you did.


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

I really dont want to lose him but if things stay how they are, i know i cant handle idea of him visiting ex's...i am going to try one more time to talk to him about it, i guess...if he still just stands firm on visiting ex's, especially the part alone at their home,..then i will have to let him go his own way i guess. I know myself enough to know i cant be 'cool' with him ending up in some ex's home with her alone,. The part that concerns me the most is where he dismisses my feelings about it, but yet I know he would never be ok with me hanging out with an ex, or any male for that matter (not that i want to but i am so loyal to him, i cant handle him being casual about it

i could be wrong in this, but also my other concern is i am not sure how he will react if i do tell him i cant stay with him..i dont want to hurt him, believe it or not, yes Im concerned about not hurting him, also im worried of his reaction to it..otoh, he might just say 'ok, thats fine' and go his own way..
i love him and if it doesnt work out, i plan to finish up rest of my years alone, i will get back into my sewing projects, baking, and just be on my own


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## Ladybugs (Oct 12, 2010)

I am hurting so bad right now..i posted a few days ago that I was going to try and talk to him once more, and see if he will go back to his original promise he made to me, and not see this ex of his anymore, how he promised me..

last night somthing came up that presented the right time to talk to him about it...it was not was i was hoping for..me and him were suposed to bring in the new year together, go dancing, but it ended up with me getting hurt..i found out something about our realationship also-- it seems like he wont take responsibility, and I take my share and some of his as well..i take responsibility for stuff I am not responsible for.

this will be short, I could really use somone to talk to about this a little, please reply somone.thank you

last night we went dancing, but before we had a chance to dance, he said he had to go down the street to atm, he'd be back in 5 min. I said 'ok' and waited for his soon return, but he didnt get back for almost an hour

i was sittign there watching other people dance, and just by myself at this table.

it turned out, the reason he took so long, was on his way to atm, he remembered his ex, 'susan' (the one who this thread is about)..he worried if she was doin ok, she is 'all alone' and he just stopped by for a few minutes to make sure she was 'ok'....so by default, i had no choice but to talk to him,, the whole night went downhill.

i said 'i was sitting alone there, everyone else was dancing or talking, i ws just sitting there in the corner at that table, waiting for you...but you were concerned with how she was doing, and at her house, visiting her, and isnt that ironic?

i was respectful, i didnt yell or get rude with him, i just told him I love you, and I want you to have all the friends in the world, but this one particular person is your ex,who tried to get back with you...when you make sure she is ok, did you know that I get hurt in the process? He said he's sorry if I get hurt, but he cannot give up another person for me...I pointed out to him he had made a promise to me, out of his own initiative, not to have any contact with her...i asked him if he would be willing, to please go back to that original promise and keep it. He didnt seem to see how to me its wrong to go back on your word. He just admitted he DID make that promise, and kept it for a while, but then on his own one day, he decided he cant let me keep him away from his friends, which includes this ex gf.
i was saying how ok, well, that really hurts me..when he got mad and jumped up and said "you know what? you are just repeating yourself at this point. Im gonna go.." and he walked off, he looked back and said 'give me a call if you want to go to church tomorrow'...

i sat there and cried my eyes out, feeling like leftovers..all dressed up, hair curled, we never even got to dance.

When he goes to her house to make sure SHE is ok, I am NOT ok...he is either not getting this point, or doesnt care. Even if he cant understand how it would hurt me, i am deeply hurt that he wont stop doing it, knowing it ends up costing ME, not him, not Susan, I pay for it, end up in alot of pain. But he thinks the issue is 'well, I just went there for a few minutes'. To me, it almost doesnt matter if he was there 5 minutes, or two hours..she is his ex, she disrespected our relationship and tried explicitly to get with him not very long ago. He just offers "well, she hasnt done that recently...i dont think she'll do it again...but i feel bad, she was all alone on new years eve, someone has to look out for her.

i said she has parents, some friends, there's social workers out there too. Can you let her be ok with other people caring for her, so that I dont get hurt?

he stuck by his stance, that I cannot tell him what to do. so there you have it...i tried after a little time passed, to discuss it with him, explain how it hurts me, and ask if he can please honor his promise he made me..he just wont. He says i dont need to be hurt, (but I am) because he only goes there for a little bit (it doesnt matter to me if its 10 minutes or an hour, its the point he's alone in her home with her, she has come on to him before)....and that I cannot tell him what friends to have.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Dump him, like yesterday! What a *DONKEY*!


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## married10yrs (Jan 2, 2011)

You, girl, need to move on. 

I feel for you, and it takes strength inside to break away from someone involved in your life but this is one you need to do. Your boyfriend is controlling you and you need to get away from him. He reminds me of husband from Sleeping with the Enemy, with Julia Roberts. 

Good luck:cone4:


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