# Rebuilding Confidence (and maybe trust)



## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

I am a long-time lurker and used to be a semi-regular poster when I was married, but I have created a new account because I don't want my new posts associated with the old account. Because my how things have changed.

I am now divorced and dating a new guy. He's 39. I'm 42. We have been together for a little over a year. At first glance, you would not necessarily put us together. He is extremely overweight, underemployed, and less educated than I am. Most people (and honestly, I'm not trying to oversell this or sound like an arrogant jerk) would describe me as a 9/10. I'm a pretty solid catch -- very attractive, slender, educated, own my own home and business, and very active/fun. All of that said, I find him very handsome, funny, empathetic, and kind. The sex is phenomenal. We have tons in common.

I mention all of these things because they are relevant to a problem we have been having for the last several months. In a nutshell, I recently discovered that he developed an infatuation with a student at the school where he works. She was a high school senior (age 17) when this started. There was no contact between them at all. He simply looked at her photos (quite regularly) on Instagram. He kept this hidden from me, but he made the mistake of using my laptop to do so on more than one occasion and I came across her profile in the history quite accidentally at first -- and then went digging when my curiosity was piqued. My first thought was, "Who the hell looks at Instagram on a computer?" 

When I confronted him about her, he became very defensive. At first, he lied. A lot. Eventually, he came clean (yes, he was attracted to her and yes, he knew it was inappropriate -- but the thrill of possibly getting caught was a rush for him. Major eyeroll here.)

This young lady is beautiful and sexy and vapid in that way that so many 18 year-old girls are. And this has become a huge problem for us. Huge. For starters, I am 42. I am not 18. No matter how attractive I am or how fit, I am not 18. Never will be again. Nor am I a fantasy. I'm a real woman with feelings and thoughts and a history and complications. Like ANYONE.

Secondly, he has made several comments over the last year that have somehow managed to transform me from a confident, self-assured woman into a clingy, insecure mess. Mind you, I thought I had worked through a lot of the issues that came from my marriage (namely that my husband was LD and I am extremely HD). I learned to stop taking things like that personally. Or thought I had. 

Third, I also discovered that he (BF) was using porn in excess -- and hiding/lying about it. I don't care about porn usage, but I DO care about how it affects my sex life. And when he was having trouble getting/maintaining an erection, he blamed it on all sorts of things. Not once did he confess that he just TCB right before I came over. So I started to become paranoid. Especially because we went from having sex 1-2 times a day to sometimes struggling to have sex once. 

On top of all of this, I started thinking about the weird things he would say. "You would be so hot with black hair." (False: I'm a blonde.) On discussions about the fact that he seems to prefer extremely tiny women, he would defend it by talking about "heavier" women he dated. Except NONE OF THEM WOULD BE CONSIDERED HEAVY. 

When all of this new stuff came to light, I started ripping myself apart. Changed my hair color. Dropped ten pounds (that I didn't need to lose). Started wearing makeup every single day -- and lots of it. Started dressing sexier and behaving differently. Started tanning. All of it. Suddenly, all of my values were flipped upside down -- and WHY? Because some guy made me feel like garbage. I was so blindsided. I really thought that we were happy and that he was in love with me. I never saw this coming. 

We have struggled with the lying/covering up stuff the most. A couple of weeks will go by without any problems and then I will suddenly feel suspicious, insecure, and heartbroken. He's extremely intuitive, so he will immediately start asking questions. I will try to tell him what is going on without too much fuss -- and inevitably it ends up in some stupid argument where we are focused on how his guilt makes HIM feel. Not how his actions hurt me, but on how hard this is for him. More eyerolling here.

We've taken a couple of breaks, but invariably, he freaks out, feels abandoned, can't live without me but swears he will banish me from his life forever, etc. A lot of emotional manipulation.

For the record, I'm in individual counseling, but this year has been full of other, more pressing issues -- like health concerns for one of my children, old family drama with my parents and brother, and a whole host of problems created by my divorce. So quite frankly, I haven't wanted to spend my valuable 45 minutes talking about some BS relationship problems.

I'm not an idiot. And I'm not a doormat. I can SEE how screwed up this is. So how do I go about untangling myself? And how do I go about beginning to repair the damage he has inflicted? Why is it so hard to walk away? Am I overreacting? WHY would he sabotage this? I understand that young women are sexy and beautiful, but she was a student. That's an abuse of the trust placed in him as an employee in the high school -- and I resent the idea that men are entitled to just ogle teenagers without consequences. He can insist that it was meaningless all he wants, but it still hurt like hell and did a number on my self-esteem and my ability to trust him.

I keep waiting for the moment when I no longer look at him with love or desire or longing, but rather the disgust I think this situation deserves. Is there a pill I can take for that? :laugh:


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Yes, the pill is called self-respect. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS!!!! There is no need to trust this man. He does not deserve your trust. If swim in the swamp you get dirty. It's time to wash off the muck.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have no idea why you can't get rid of this guy. Why do you think you stay with him? Are you trying to punish yourself for something?

Maybe you should get into some heavy duty IC ASAP.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Honestly, I think I stay for a few reasons: the chemistry is pretty intense, I have never been able to communicate so openly with anyone in my life, and we have both been through some fairly traumatic things in our lives that not many other people would understand. There's a connection there that is really unique...and it messes with my head.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TournerLaPage said:


> Honestly, I think I stay for a few reasons: the chemistry is pretty intense, I have never been able to communicate so openly with anyone in my life, and we have both been through some fairly traumatic things in our lives that not many other people would understand. There's a connection there that is really unique...and it messes with my head.


Blah blah blah. Every person who has ever been in love says all the same crap. You're getting something out of the relationship, and I think it's an unhealthy something.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

LOL!! I know you're right re: everyone in love and oddly enough, the "blah blah blah" didn't offend me. But still. I want that magic bullet.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What magic bullet????

What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you scared to find out - is that why you haven't seen a therapist?


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

For the record, I've stopped with the self-destructive preening and clingy behavior. And I've demanded transparency. But I still find myself struggling with certain things -- like now that I know how to get into his phone, I'm obsessively checking it. That is not something I *ever* did before this happened. He feels like I'm invading his privacy -- I feel like I'm policing his behavior for good reason. 

I think part of it is that I am still struggling with the shock of this happening to me. How could HE do this to ME? That's my ego talking -- and I know it. But it still hurts like a son of a *****.

And mostly, what I am afraid of is that I will wait until I find someone "better"...rather than simply walking away because it is what is best for me. I know that I have a hard time being alone because quite frankly, I've never been alone for long. Any books or guidance on that would be helpful. 

To make matters worse, my ex-husband is still trying to fight for our marriage...wants to start counseling together (again)...and all I want is to crawl into a hole for a year. 

In some way, I think this dude represented some measure of comfort in an otherwise extremely stressful time. And now he is just perpetually linked with MORE stress. And I can't unlink the two. Nor do I think I should. But clearly, I am not letting go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TournerLaPage said:


> Honestly, I think I stay for a few reasons: the chemistry is pretty intense, I have never been able to communicate so openly with anyone in my life, and we have both been through some fairly traumatic things in our lives that not many other people would understand. There's a connection there that is really unique...and it messes with my head.


The Chemistry is pretty intense, huh, @TournerLaPage?

Well... here is what this chemistry looks like to an outside observer:-


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> What magic bullet????
> 
> What are you getting out of this relationship? Are you scared to find out - is that why you haven't seen a therapist?


As I stated in my original post, I am in therapy.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

My logical brain knows everyone is right. If I heard about this situation from someone else, I would tell them to head for the hills. I think part of me still needs to be convinced that what he did was genuinely, legitimately wrong. I have a tendency to completely detach from my own bad experiences -- probably as some sort of weird coping mechanism learned early in life...where there were more than enough bad experiences to go around. I spent a long time in therapy dealing with that stuff though and thought I had put it to bed, so to speak. But it's crazy how quickly something can become a bad habit again.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TournerLaPage said:


> As I stated in my original post, I am in therapy.


And what are you learning?


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> And what are you learning?


Long story short: my old therapist retired last year. I started with a new therapist several months ago -- when all of this came to light. Quite frankly, we are still unpacking all of the crap from the last two years -- a lot of external stress that came out of nowhere combined with personal crap. We are literally still going through the timeline...because it got pretty wacky. We haven't even gotten to the new crap yet. And in part, like I said, I want to spend my 45 minutes focused on things that are more important to me -- my daughter's health, my family relationships, and my own sense of being overwhelmed. The last thing I want to talk about with her right now is how my grown ass boyfriend had the hots for a teenager. :|

But what am I learning? I'm learning that I insulate myself when things fall apart. I'm learning that I have a stubborn tendency toward thinking I can handle everything myself. I'm learning that I need better coping strategies when I'm overwhelmed. Not sure I needed a therapist to tell me any of that, but there it is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you told your therapist about what he's done? Don't you think that it affects every other aspect of your life? Don't you think that the thing you most DO NOT want to talk about should be the thing you DO talk about?


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Have you told your therapist about what he's done? Don't you think that it affects every other aspect of your life? Don't you think that the thing you most DO NOT want to talk about should be the thing you DO talk about?


I have not addressed it with her yet -- no. I can only afford to see her twice a month...and it's been about two months since this happened. I started seeing her about three months ago. It is a priority -- I'm just not sure it's THE priority, if that makes sense.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

In a way, I think I came here looking for confirmation that YES, what he did was wrong. Because he has a knack for making me think I'm overreacting. And I have a knack for ignoring my own instincts.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TournerLaPage said:


> I'm just not sure it's THE priority, if that makes sense.


And how's that working out for you???


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TournerLaPage said:


> In a way, I think I came here looking for confirmation that YES, what he did was wrong. Because he has a knack for making me think I'm overreacting. And I have a knack for ignoring my own instincts.


YES. What he did was VERY VERY WRONG.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hope1964 said:


> YES. What he did was VERY VERY WRONG.


QFT.

That is two of us saying it.

Now what, OP?


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> And how's that working out for you???


Haha! Well. It's why I'm here, I suppose. Not that this is a substitute for therapy, but sometimes a consensus is better than one person merely repeating crap back to me. Or asking me how I feel. Or what I want to do next. I don't KNOW what I want to do next which is why I'm in counseling in the first place. I'm overwhelmed.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I think your partner selection picker is off balance, you say good things about yourself, you know that you can do better than this guy but perhaps you don't think subconsciously you deserve better. 

You know that you're a solid catch, so why stick with a toxic fish that is your current boyfriend, to self sabotage perhaps, fear of commitment underlying that maybe you don't deserve a proper man? 

Dump him and work on your IC and self esteem. 
You're a good person and you can find someone better. 

Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you REALLY wanted to know the truth, you'd tell your therapist what he did. He's actually quite the scumbag, you know, and you KNOW you can do better. 

So WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM???


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

MrsAldi said:


> I think your partner selection picker is off balance, you say good things about yourself, you know that you can do better than this guy but perhaps you don't think subconsciously you deserve better.


Gah. This. On some level, I am just now waking up to this. I've only had 2 other major adult relationships in my life. One lasted 8 years. The second lasted 11 years and ended in divorce because I finally reached my breaking point. Recently, a well-meaning guy friend told me that I date men who are "inferior" to me -- and then I act surprised when they disappoint me. I can't stop thinking about that. 

I don't think I even know what "better" is. For me, so much of it is based on whether or not I can relate to someone. The minute I think someone is too...I don't know...happy? carefree? well-adjusted? (LOL! Oh god. There it is.) I start to pull back. Not because I find being well-adjusted unattractive, per se...but because there is literally NOTHING in my history that looks anything like that. A lot of violence and abuse (verbal, physical, sexual) growing up. A sibling who was murdered. A violent, authoritarian father who abused us and then abandoned us for his girlfriend. And then worse -- CAME BACK. A grandfather who was a known pedophile. Rampant addiction issues on both sides of the family. A mother who didn't exactly model good "picker" behavior herself (obviously). And then all of the usual dysfunction thrown in too. Bad coping skills. No therapy for any of us as kids after my brother was murdered. Etc. Etc. Etc. *So much dysfunction* that it is often difficult for me to have conversations with people who have had relatively "ordinary" lives -- even lives with "ordinary" dysfunction. 

So when I meet someone who seems to understand what it is like to be in the trenches, I hang on for dear life....until I realize that their personal history is bound to show up in unresolved, ugly ways. Case in point.

In a way, I'm just glad I'm starting to see this a year into a relationship...instead of waiting 8-10. But part of me is still hanging onto the idea that compared to what I've been through in the past, it's not that bad. I know I'm wrong -- but it's crazy how hard it is to let go of an idea, no matter how screwed up it is.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> If you REALLY wanted to know the truth, you'd tell your therapist what he did. He's actually quite the scumbag, you know, and you KNOW you can do better.
> 
> So WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM???


It's not that I don't think I can do better, at this point. I think it's that I don't want to do better. I wanted this dude. I was in love with this dude. Bad logic, I know -- but it's true. For all of his less than shining qualities, he had several good qualities that won me over. And quite frankly, the sex is the best I've ever had. Hands down. After 11 years in a sexless marriage (as the spouse with the higher sex drive), it was a lot like finding an oasis in the desert. Again -- not a good enough reason to stay, but definitely one big area where he has his hooks in me. 

Sadly, that has all been damaged by this...because I can't stop feeling inferior to an 18 year-old student of his...or a 22 year-old brunette, tiny porn star. (That's the other thing that annoys me. He follows certain porn stars. He doesn't just watch porn like a normal person -- in my humble opinion. He gets hooked on certain girls and watches them over and over. And they all look the same...aka nothing like me. Even that isn't a big deal in the great scheme of things, but in the context of this student/teenager situation and his compulsive behavior, it still stings.) I've definitely become more inhibited and lost a lot of confidence in bed. And that was another area that I never worried about until now.

Hope1964 -- I've been reading your reconciliation story and I commend you on your ability to forgive. I know what you mean re: the aftermath. Obviously this situation isn't as extreme as yours, but it's crazy how many thing will set me off and running. And it's embarrassing how deep I went into the rabbit hole with this. He doesn't realize how smart I am -- and how easy it was to get into EVERYTHING once I had a reason. So I spent an insane amount of time digging and digging and digging -- and only made it worse.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

TournerLaPage said:


> Gah. This. On some level, I am just now waking up to this. I've only had 2 other major adult relationships in my life. One lasted 8 years. The second lasted 11 years and ended in divorce because I finally reached my breaking point. Recently, a well-meaning guy friend told me that I date men who are "inferior" to me -- and then I act surprised when they disappoint me. I can't stop thinking about that.


I definitely think you should dump this guy, learn more about yourself, what you need in a relationship and what you think you deserve. 



> I don't think I even know what "better" is. For me, so much of it is based on whether or not I can relate to someone. The minute I think someone is too...I don't know...happy? carefree? well-adjusted? (LOL! Oh god. There it is.) I start to pull back. Not because I find being well-adjusted unattractive, per se...but because there is literally NOTHING in my history that looks anything like that. A lot of violence and abuse (verbal, physical, sexual) growing up. A sibling who was murdered. A violent, authoritarian father who abused us and then abandoned us for his girlfriend. And then worse -- CAME BACK. A grandfather who was a known pedophile. Rampant addiction issues on both sides of the family. A mother who didn't exactly model good "picker" behavior herself (obviously). And then all of the usual dysfunction thrown in too. Bad coping skills. No therapy for any of us as kids after my brother was murdered. Etc. Etc. Etc. *So much dysfunction* that it is often difficult for me to have conversations with people who have had relatively "ordinary" lives -- even lives with "ordinary" dysfunction.


I'm so sorry that you went through a childhood like that. 
But look at how brave you are to acknowledge it, takes years to admit such things, some ignore and never tell, that can make things more stressful, difficult and depressed. 
None of your childhood was your fault, but you can control things now and go on to have a happy life and find the love you deserve. 



> So when I meet someone who seems to understand what it is like to be in the trenches, I hang on for dear life....until I realize that their personal history is bound to show up in unresolved, ugly ways. Case in point.


There is no shame in having had a childhood like you did. 
Of course you think it's hard for someone "normal" to understand what is what like, actually you might find that going outside your comfort dating zone will be a benefit, opposites attract right! 

The men you seek to understand you probably come from a similar background and this can lead to destructive, codependent issues. 




> In a way, I'm just glad I'm starting to see this a year into a relationship...instead of waiting 8-10. But part of me is still hanging onto the idea that compared to what I've been through in the past, it's not that bad. I know I'm wrong -- but it's crazy how hard it is to let go of an idea, no matter how screwed up it is.


You're starting to see the light, if you can work through your issues and not pick inferior guys, you could really find some happiness. 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Oh dear...honey, please dump this guy. It will just continue to eat away at you. You are never going to get the crappy feeling out of your heart from knowing he is into this certain girl and porn star.

And I honestly don't think there is any real problem with having that type of strong preference...but it isn't the preference that's wrong, it's his behavior.

I'm sorry this is happening. I can understand your confusion.

But the great sex isn't going to make up for how his behaviors have hurt you. It never will. You will just keep re-living the pain over and over.

Please just end it and tell him you know inside you are not compatible.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

TournerLaPage said:


> I am now divorced and dating a new guy. He's 39. I'm 42. We have been together for a little over a year. At first glance, you would not necessarily put us together. He is extremely overweight, underemployed, and less educated than I am. Most people (and honestly, I'm not trying to oversell this or sound like an arrogant jerk) would describe me as a 9/10. I'm a pretty solid catch -- very attractive, slender, educated, own my own home and business, and very active/fun.


Where the F$%K where you when I had my profile on Plenty of Fish???


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

TournerLaPage said:


> When all of this new stuff came to light, I started ripping myself apart. Changed my hair color. Dropped ten pounds (that I didn't need to lose). Started wearing makeup every single day -- and lots of it. Started dressing sexier and behaving differently. Started tanning. All of it. Suddenly, all of my values were flipped upside down -- and WHY? Because some guy made me feel like garbage. I was so blindsided. I really thought that we were happy and that he was in love with me. I never saw this coming.


Think of how a confident woman with self-respect would handle this and start telling yourself what she would say to you. Tell this to yourself. Act accordingly.



TournerLaPage said:


> We've taken a couple of breaks, but invariably, he freaks out, feels abandoned, can't live without me but swears he will banish me from his life forever, etc. A lot of emotional manipulation.


And same with this too. 

While you can attempt to self-analyze and figure out the reason 'why' you haven't left already, the most important thing right now is that you lead yourself with action. It's the actions that matter. Whether that's bringing it up in IC now as a 'pressing issue' ...because it is... and/or breaking things off. Him looking at photos of the 18 year old is secondary to his emotional threats and that you flipped your own values upside down because of who you are becoming in this dynamic. There is an urgency to this; don't down play or try to reason around it. Having self-respect and self-esteem will influence how you determine other avenues in your life. It's impacting you right now; this is why it's important. If you can be strong within yourself, with supportive people around you, there's a greater chance for you to rebuild.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You're comfortable with dysfunction. It's what you knew in childhood, so it's what you - consciously or unconsciously - associate with normal. Dysfunction feels comfortable, perhaps even safe in some ways, because it's what you know best. Healthy relationship behaviors feel alien, foreign, a little "off" to you. They're uncomfortable, so you avoid them. You're going to keep picking poor partners until you have a health sense of self-esteem, and have learned to tolerate the mild discomfort that comes from getting outside your comfort zone in a healthy relationship. 

I would maybe stop using your therapy sessions to cover your life history right now, and focus on what's happening in the present. Treat what's going on now as a sort of crisis. It needs to be addressed while it's ongoing so you don't reinforce or further develop your unhealthy coping mechanisms and wind up in even worse shape. If a cancer patient falls and breaks their arm, they don't just keep going in for chemo and say they'll worry about this new issue later. No, they treat the most immediate and emergent issue right away, then they can get back to treating the ongoing condition.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You need to dump this chump. His issue with young girls and porn is not going to go away, and will erode your relationship even more over time. There are LOTS of men out there that you can find amazing chemistry and great sex with!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Try taking a break between men. Get comfortable with yourself. You will know yourself better and make better choices going forward.


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

browser said:


> Where the F$%K where you when I had my profile on Plenty of Fish???


Hahahaha!


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## TournerLaPage (Nov 15, 2016)

So much excellent advice here. I especially appreciate those of you who pointed out that just because I'm comfortable with dysfunction doesn't mean I have to live with it. This is exactly why I came back here. So much wisdom. Thank you. 

I have an appointment with my therapist on Monday. I will come clean and come up with a plan of action. In the meantime, I am focused on going back to being myself and being okay with it. Because what all of this revealed is that it really isn't that hard to make me turn on myself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ask your therapist today about taking a break from all men. I always tell people that if they can't go six months without dating, they have a lot of work to do on themselves and won't be a decent partner, nor will they attract decent partners.


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