# My wife says planning sex is wrong



## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Hi,

I am 31 and my wife is 30, no kids....

My wife has decided that planning to have sex is wrong, this means texting each other during the day or even talking about having sex in any way.

She has made it clear that the only sex she wants is spontaneous sex. For me this is a bit of a turn off as I like the anticipation, the naughty texting / talking etc. I have tried to tell her this but she just gets angry and says she hates talking about sex and planning it makes her feel dirty. The thing is that when I try to be spontaneous more often than not she says no anyway, its easy for me to tell when she is in the mood if I kiss her she kisses back (normally not the case, just a peck is all she wants) and she has a shower before bed, I think all this is just her way of making it so hard for me that I wont bother. I always have a shower before bed, clean teeth, deodorant, shaved, etc just in case (plus I like to be clean for bed it has a good feeling to it!)

I have no idea why but my wife is becoming more and more frigid the older she gets! All this means that we still have very little sex and she knows this is an issue but sadly no matter what I do it only makes it worse. Any little disagreement means no sex for a month "because it feels awkward" if I try and talk to her about sex it means no sex for a month "because it feels awkward" in fact if I have any issues with the relationship and voice them or I make any mistake.... you guessed it, no sex for a month "because it feels awkward"

the sad thing for me is that I have now associated the horny feeling with loneliness so when ever I feel in the mood I also feel really low! Its strange and I have no idea how I can fix this without my wife's help (no chance of that)

I have tried counselling but she refuses to come, I feel trapped.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

You can only change your self.
You can sit her down and tell her that unless there are changes, you will be filing for divorce.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Agree with Marriedmanhere. What you have is transforming from a marriage into a hostage situation.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> Agree with Marriedmanhere. What you have is transforming from a marriage into a hostage situation.


:lol:

That made me laugh!

It wouldn't be so bad if we could talk about the situation so I could understand what the hell was going on even if she said she didn't want to have sex with me, I was ugly etc. I would then know where I stand.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I disagree with planning sex too, I love the spontaneity, but...



> planning to have sex is wrong, *this means texting each other during the day or even talking about having sex in any way.*


=/
Well I can understand how talking about having sex ruins it, but...

Texting each other during the day? WTF?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am 31 and my wife is 30, no kids....
> 
> ...


All her "awkwardness" is just more lame, flimsy, BS excuses for no sex.....

Last Nov. I got fed up, typed up the divorce laws of our state, left them on her placemat and walked out....

Came back after a few hours, had the BIG FIGHT....Decided we had too much invested to get divorced, anf she suggested the book The 5 Love Languages...

The book is thin enough to read in a week end. And isn't worth a dime unless both parties want to make it work...

We still have issues but sex is more frequent than it has been for years......

My wife swears she didn't reaiaise there was a problem till the blowout, even with daily fights and screaming matches...

We do not fight now, we talk issues out...

If you want to see how bad it was, check out my posts from last November....

Good luck
the woodchuck


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

How does talking about sex ruin it? Is it like fight club?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> :lol:
> 
> That made me laugh!
> 
> It wouldn't be so bad if we could talk about the situation so I could understand what the hell was going on even if she said she didn't want to have sex with me, I was ugly etc. I would then know where I stand.


I say...since it means "no sex for a month" no matter what is said regarding sex, go all out on it. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you are not going to tolerate the "hostage situation" any longer. You're married ffs! There should be no reason whatsoever that you can't talk about sex at all. That's just ridiculous.

How does it feel to her if you just grab her, hold her down, and have your way with her? Hey, she said she didn't want to talk about it... just wanted it spontaneously. Seriously, just lay it on the line to her. Tell her it can't always be what she wants...sometimes, she needs to do things that you like as well. Otherwise, you will just grow further apart.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

Don't have any kids then, because you have to have to practice time management if you and your wife ever want to spend quality time together - alone...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Texting each other during the day? WTF?


RD, dear, if he texts her during the day talking about how he wants to ravish her that night, she won't have sex with him... you know...talking about sex in texts. Total mood killer for her. 

Sorry, the whole "don't ever bring up sex" is absolutely preposterous.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I have had a massive "talk" with her but she just gets really angry and storms off


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> I have had a massive "talk" with her but she just gets really angry and storms off


And that's when you tell her "this ain't going away. You can storm off all you like, but this 'elephant' will still be in the room until we address it"

(Actually, if I were talking to my husband saying what I did above, I'd say "storm off all you like... but this problem will still be here until you get that stick out of your ass so we can address it.".... but I figured that might be a bit much to suggest to you.  )


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I have no idea why this has to be so difficult though. She is just making her own life harder. It makes no sense to me.

I dread feeling horny these days, its a natural thing I know but I wish I could just make it go away!


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

depends, if your planning sex all the time yeah thats bad, im planning sex with my wife next friday. got a themed hotel room and told her her choice of what we do that night........  she picked bj for me oral on her normal sex and anal.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

No not all the time but if after a few weeks of nothing I put my arm around her, kiss her neck and ask, hey I don't suppose you would like to come upstairs with me? She isn't too happy with me. If I planned a hotel room like that I would get no sex although she would love the hotel stay no doubt. The last few times we have been to a hotel we had no sex.

If I am feeling a bit randy and send her a text message saying, "hey how about I give you a nice massage and some kisses tonight?" not good. Maybe she just likes to turn me down face to face? lol

Its probably easier to do a rubik cube while cracking a safe than get the right combination to my wife.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> RD, dear, if he texts her during the day talking about how he wants to ravish her that night, she won't have sex with him... you know...talking about sex in texts. Total mood killer for her.
> 
> Sorry, the whole "don't ever bring up sex" is absolutely preposterous.


Yes I'm guessing that, I'm curious actually how he's supposed to initiate then if he can't even suggest or flirt let alone text her. Even the spontaneity would require at least some anticipation as long as it's not too forward.

However, telling her that you're going to ravish her IS going to ruin it. I treat initiation like battle, it's all about manuevers, feigned retreat, and timed strikes. However, with his wife, she doesn't seem to even allow for any manuevers, unless of course he's just charging in blindly.

I'm curious about this now, MaybeItsMe have you tried being less forward, tease her a little, don't show outright interest. However if she shoots you down at any HINT of sex THEN I will safely say:
It's not you.



> No not all the time but if after a few weeks of nothing I put my arm around her, kiss her neck and ask, hey I don't suppose you would like to come upstairs with me? She isn't too happy with me.


Well, you can do it like me and dont even say "I don't suppose", I just dragged her upstairs once I sense her arousal is there.



> If I planned a hotel room like that I would get no sex although she would love the hotel stay no doubt. The last few times we have been to a hotel we had no sex.
> 
> If I am feeling a bit randy and send her a text message saying, "hey how about I give you a nice massage and some kisses tonight?" not good.


Say it more like "you look like you need a massage" then give her one, and tease her during it as you are in full control of her body at this point, once she's aroused then take her, no need to bring up sex.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I will start by talking to her then kissing her, I can tell instantly from there if its worth trying any further than that. I have been with her for 12 years now so I can read her pretty well! 



> Say it more like "you look like you need a massage" then give her one, and tease her during it as you are in full control of her body at this point, once she's aroused then take her, no need to bring up sex.


Thanks for that, I will give that a go


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm, then in that case as she doesn't seem to be aroused, I think you're overdoing it, give her some space and pull a new strategy. At this point she knows exactly what's on your mind if you flirt and tease, hence she figures you are doing all of that just for sex.

At this point I would start playing just a hint of a jealous game with her, be careful with this but you're in a bad position on the battlefield right now, she anticipates your every move so spontaneity is not even possible -> she's made it impossible for you at this point and doesn't know it. It's time to play dirty, you have to change her impression of you.

For a month or so: Don't have sex, flirt, tease, but DON'T take her or even suggest sex, show her that you can flirt/tease without the intention of sex, this will help her get the "oh, he only wants sex" thought out of her head. At the same time, comment on other women, don't flirt with them unless you want to play a REAL jealousy game which is very controversial, give her the impression at the same time that you're noticing other women, making her feel abit threatened but not too much.

If there's no gap in the enemy's lines, create one, like Alexander during the battle of Gaugamela. Heh, initiation is just so much like battle for me.



> Thanks for that, I will give that a go


Well, if it doesn't work, try the above 

EDIT: For some SERIOUS results, while massaging her, tease her non-stop but DON'T touch her down there or where she wants it, circle her nipples, rub her where her leg meets her body, her inner thighs but DON'T touch it - tease it! Sorry... TMI but...

Get her aroused but then leave her hanging. She should go nuts and want sex then.

For the above point -> I'm guessing you have a common problem that after a while a wife will shoot down any flirt/tease because she knows her husband only wants sex.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I am her husband, if I flirt with her its because I want to have sex with her, I married her because I love her and because she is gorgeous! 

Why is it so bad that a husband wants to have sex with his wife? why does there need to be such a big fuss about it all the time? why does it have to be a battle? Why do I need to play games and mind work? I don't want to be that type of person, I don't want to manipulate my wife but it seems as if I have no choice if I want to have sex. What a shame.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's not bad, it's just a game and that's just how it is!

I also hate routine sex, and I'm a man myself, hence my wife and I divorcing! Always demands, not enough romance/tease/flirts that doesn't have to include sex.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am 31 and my wife is 30, no kids....
> 
> My wife has decided that planning to have sex is wrong, this means texting each other during the day or even talking about having sex in any way.


Your wife has some serious issues, usually flirting is a great way to get warmed up to sex, turn you on and build anticipation. However if you are only texting her and flirting to get sex then that is a problem. 


> She has made it clear that the only sex she wants is spontaneous sex. For me this is a bit of a turn off as I like the anticipation, the naughty texting / talking etc. I have tried to tell her this but she just gets angry and says she hates talking about sex and planning it makes her feel dirty.


She needs counseling to get past this. You also need to be firm, and say "sex between a husband and wife is not dirty, it's natural and normal, and so is intimacy, flirting and talking about sex- completely normal"


> The thing is that when I try to be spontaneous more often than not she says no anyway, its easy for me to tell when she is in the mood if I kiss her she kisses back (normally not the case, just a peck is all she wants) and she has a shower before bed, I think all this is just her way of making it so hard for me that I wont bother. I always have a shower before bed, clean teeth, deodorant, shaved, etc just in case (plus I like to be clean for bed it has a good feeling to it!)


You should not just be getting passionate kisses when she's in the mood, it should be every day.


> I have no idea why but my wife is becoming more and more frigid the older she gets! All this means that we still have very little sex and she knows this is an issue but sadly no matter what I do it only makes it worse. Any little disagreement means no sex for a month "because it feels awkward" if I try and talk to her about sex it means no sex for a month "because it feels awkward" in fact if I have any issues with the relationship and voice them or I make any mistake.... you guessed it, no sex for a month "because it feels awkward"


She is using sex to punish you, so you will be less likely to stand up for your self.

It sounds like she has you in doormat mode. 
stop being a doormat. Stop doing things to get sex, do things because they are normal and natural, do things because you have judged them to be the right thing to do on your own, and not because of fear of your wifes reaction. Learn how to be a good man who lives your life and does the best he can for his wife and family and himself, not in reaction to.

Let your wife know that your marriage as it stands in unacceptable. Your wife will be furious at first but after time, when she realises you are a good reasonable man, who has his own boundaries and cannot be pushed around, she will come around. 


> the sad thing for me is that I have now associated the horny feeling with loneliness so when ever I feel in the mood I also feel really low! Its strange and I have no idea how I can fix this without my wife's help (no chance of that)
> 
> I have tried counselling but she refuses to come, I feel trapped.


No one should have to live like that. You will probably have to put your marriage on the line for it to get better.

One more thing, does your wife Nag you? if your wife feels like she is your mother, then she will not be attracted to you.

Make sure you do the right thing and your fair share. Take care of things that need to be taken care of without being nagged, because you are a self sufficient adult male. Do not do more then your fair, and do not be a jerk (or your wife will not trust you to care for her), but do not be a doormat. get a good balance going. And stop reacting to your wife and take charge of your own happiness.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Littledeer also made some seriously good points too and they are aligned with mine, please heed it


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I do my fair share around the house etc as I don't want her to have to carry me in any way. I do not let her walk over me and will stand up for myself if she tries to take this piss but we still have this sex issue.

I have read and used self help books and sex has gone up from maybe 3 times a year to maybe 9 times a year but these changes she has brought on seem to be her trying to fight back. She thinks she is a strong woman but what she is is a stubborn woman, sadly she doesn't see the difference.

She knows she has control issues and I simply refuse to let her push me about. She has used sex to try and control me in the past, hence the 3 times a year nonsense but I told her that its changing and it has but the little devil on her shoulder is no doubt telling her I am trying to tell her what to do and so she is pushing back again.

She still brings up things like "remember when you asked me to go to the shop for you? Well no more of taking the piss out of me like that!" I asked her to go the shop for me 6 years ago!


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Wow... Is there nothing that will put her in the mood?

I thought I had it rough a few years ago when it took two frozen margaritas, a 'feel good' movie and a back rub. At least that worked semi-reliably.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> Why do I need to play games and mind work? I don't want to be that type of person, I don't want to manipulate my wife but it seems as if I have no choice if I want to have sex. What a shame.


That's the attitude right there, for me it's like looking at a mountain and saying "why do I have to use a climbing axe and rope when I can just get there by helicopter?" then wife says "but the climbing axe is more fun and more adrenaline!"

It's not a bad game, it's a game of love. It's not manipulation, it's seduction - something that I believe should be present in marriage, not just in romance.

Human beings dont always respond favorably with routine, same reason why we can't be happy with bread and butter; we need spice! My attitude in this is: HELL YES, more fun, more interesting world!

My problem though - is that if she becomes too easy then it ruins for ME, hence my wife had to learn how to tease me more, just how it is! Too bad she never changed her attitude though, thinking that it's just "too much work", that and along with our other issues -> fk it, divorce.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

At 30 she should be at her sexual peak, so make sure there isn't a physical problem. And definitely make sure there isn't anyone else in the picture. If she doesn't budge to fix this? LEAVE. 31 with no kids right? What are you doing wasting your youth on her?


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> I say...since it means "no sex for a month" no matter what is said regarding sex, go all out on it. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you are not going to tolerate the "hostage situation" any longer. You're married ffs! There should be no reason whatsoever that you can't talk about sex at all. That's just ridiculous.
> 
> How does it feel to her if you just grab her, hold her down, and have your way with her? Hey, she said she didn't want to talk about it... just wanted it spontaneously. Seriously, just lay it on the line to her. Tell her it can't always be what she wants...sometimes, she needs to do things that you like as well. Otherwise, you will just grow further apart.


Remember the old Seinfeld episodes about the "soup nazi"...

He had this soup stand, and had really good soup...And customers would stand in line almost begging to buy a cup but for every little infraction the soup nazi would slam down his ladle, glare at the offender and shout *"Ah ha....no soup for you...Come back 1 month...*

All too sad...


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> I do my fair share around the house etc as I don't want her to have to carry me in any way. I do not let her walk over me and will stand up for myself if she tries to take this piss but we still have this sex issue.
> 
> I have read and used self help books and sex has gone up from maybe 3 times a year to maybe 9 times a year but these changes she has brought on seem to be her trying to fight back. She thinks she is a strong woman but what she is is a stubborn woman, sadly she doesn't see the difference.
> 
> ...


How is asking someone to go to the shop for you taking the piss? :scratchhead:

My So and I go to the shop for each other all the time. Am I missing something?

So you feel you are doing what needs to be done, then the only thing i can think of is that, you must be prepared to walk away, and if she thinks you will leave her she may get the wake up call needed.

I would tell her, we are going to counseling, together and alone, to sort out our marriage. We are going to actively work on our intimacy, and you are going to work on your feelings of it being dirty, and we are going to have to open up to one another. My needs are not being met, I need an active healthy sex life with you and an intimate connection or I will have divorce because I cannot live like this. We both need to work out why we are not connecting and what we can both do about it. This is not a threat, this is a boundary of mine, I will not live in a sexless marriage.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

I tried very hard to get her to come to counselling, I tried force I tried being nice I tried to talk about it but she will not be moved. If she doesn't want to do something then no one can get her to even consider it. Her mother once said "How do you put up with her stubbornness?"

Its the same with all problems, its her way or the high way and what I feel isn't important. She can't put herself into any one else shoes and she always has that "I don't care" look like a teenager.

She can have a huge argument with me then go off to bed and go to sleep without any problems at all. I find that really strange as well.

All this adds up to a total lack of respect for me I think.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> I tried very hard to get her to come to counselling...
> 
> 
> All this adds up to a total lack of respect for me I think.


Manipulative people are against counseling because that means giving up control. Having their abusive behavior called for what it is. 

And yes, total lack of respect. It requires enough self-respect to file. You have to be willing to leave over it or this will not change.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

I try to schedule it as well. Like you, no time is good for the wife. Having no kids, you guys should be knocking it out whenever though.

I have three so it can be hard to squeeze it in.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... It's either control or fitness tests, or she just doesn't want sex (with you, in particular). So while you look at the "planning" in anticipation of something wonderful, she's looking at it in dread of something she hates doing. Like going to the dentist for a cleaning.

Either way, you're screwed. And not in the way you want to be. You could try the "No More Mr. Nice Guy" or "Married Man's Sex Life Primer". But you're likely to have better odds buying lottery tickets.

C


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## TheStranger (Jan 14, 2013)

To OP:

Firstly reread your own thread:

My list of hell

Then perhaps this thread:

LD wife has turned me off

Then ask yourself why are you living with this woman. Repeat several times: I'm responsible for my choices and my happiness. You should work on yourself and your own issues.


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

Based on what I have read in your other threads, you both have a lot of issues.

I think she has lost all respect for you and it sounds like she doesn't want to change at all.

It if time to give her the ultimatum.. She has to change by xxx date or the divorce papers will be signed... You have to give the papers to her and mean it. Don't let her tears or begs stop you. Give her the papers and walk out the door.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Folks have given you lots of advice on how to better seduce your wife.

I would like to point out that you are in a relationship with someone who thinks that sex once a month is more than enough.

You will not win this battle. RandomDude has summoned Napolean as a metaphor. I think he's wrong. You're General Lee, your wife is Grant, and you're behind the entrenched works in Petersburg. You're a goner.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's like the soup nazi from Sienfeld...

NO SEX FOR YOU


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

MaybeItsMe,

Your wife's goal is a sexless marriage, plain and simple.

No flirting behavior, because that would be planning for sex. But, when your spontaneous, she isn't warmed up. But, the only way to get her warmed up is to flirt ahead of time. But, you can't do that, because it would be planning for sex.

You see the endless loop she has you in.

You are 30. Do you really want to spend the next 45 years celibate? That's the future she is setting you up for.

Stop asking the wrong questions; stop focusing on the the symptoms; focus on the core problem.

The core problem is your wife doesn't want to have sex with you.

Now, who knows if it is just you or every guy in the world, but if you don't attack the core problem NOW and find the answer NOW, you may find out the answer the hard way in the future when she has an affair (and blames you).


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

MaybeItsMe,

I took a quick look your other threads. You need to put this in perspective.


You are only 30
You could divorce today, and spend the next 10 years looking for Miss Right
When you turn 40 you could marry a 30 year old Miss Right and be exactly where you are today--only with a person that makes you happy (and who is happy with you).

I'm not advocating divorce here, I'm just pointing out that you are in a position where you have absolutely nothing to lose if this marriage doesn't work out. You have plenty of time to remarry, have children, and establish a family.

Your current wife is in the opposite situation. If she doesn't have children and establish a family WITH YOU in this marriage, the odds that she will do so in the future with another man in another marriage are slim. 

Her future rides on making her CURRENT marriage work. Yours doesn't, so quit acting like she holds all the cards. If this was poker, she would be holding a pair of twos and you would be holding a full house.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

One more thing maybe, if you aren't any of the things listed below, then you are a damn good catch.


Alcoholic/drug/gambling addict
Physically or verbally abusive
Someone that cheats on their spouse
Broke, in deep debt, or irresponsible with money
Unable (or unwilling) to hold down a job
A liar

If you aren't any of the above things, then quit beating yourself up. There are dozens of women on this forum alone that would trade their husbands for you in a heartbeat. So, quit let you wife make you think you are lucky to have her. The truth is, she's lucky to have you.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Well. I'm advocating divorce. No kids, fairly young, yep, cut your losses and go. 

It's not going to get better. 9 times a year? She won't go to the shop for you! WTF? 

Do you want to get to the end of your life and look back on decades of trying to get your wife to have sex with you? And mostly failing? That's your future if you stay married to her.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce her. Your wife is a self centered spoiled brat. 

Or spend the rest of your sad marriage playing power games withe her. She gets off on controlling you. Why do you stand for it. 

Witholding sex from a spouse, in my opinion, is a type of mental adultery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

You guys must have other problems in your relationship that lead to this problem. You cant say that she was like this from the start or you wouldn't be with her right? Just saying, as other issues and problems come and go, so does the sex drive.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Yes, my wife has traits of BPD. She tends to punish me for little mistakes or things that annoy her and the punishment goes on for years, maybe indefinitely? The going to the shop story is just one of a long list of things. Like eating the last cookie or being an hour later for an appointment 5 years ago etc.

She holds a lot of resentment for little things and they all add up.

For me, I now use tactics I got from "No More Mr Nice Guy" and they have helped a bit. Although some times I feel disgusted in myself, like I am repulsive to my own wife. That gets hard at times.

We once had sex and then when I tried it on the next day I got "We did it yesterday, what more do you want?" That stuck with me, it bounces around my head.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

"What more do I want? A wife who likes sex and is into me. Bye."


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## marriedmanhere (Aug 2, 2012)

I am not sure if you are religious and against divorce.
I believe that marriage is for life and I do not take divorce lightly.
But this is a case when I think it is a real option.
You do not have a marriage. And you should no spend the rest of your life in this sham of one.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Blue Firefly said:


> One more thing maybe, if you aren't any of the things listed below, then you are a damn good catch.
> 
> 
> Alcoholic/drug/gambling addict
> ...


I am none of those! 



marriedmanhere said:


> I am not sure if you are religious and against divorce.
> I believe that marriage is for life and I do not take divorce lightly.
> But this is a case when I think it is a real option.
> You do not have a marriage. And you should no spend the rest of your life in this sham of one.


Not religious so divorce is not an issue in that sense, I miss the woman I once knew. I wish she would come back but I don't think that is ever going to happen.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

I was in this same position at 30. Although we did have sex more than 9 times a year, it wasn't as often as I would like. And, like you, it was a battle and mind games to get it. I understand how feeling horny also makes you feel low. I'm the same way. Actually, now I rarely feel horny. I am ready to go pretty much any time, but the really worked up kind of horny is a rare feeling these days.

One day you're going to wake up as a 40 year old and nothing will have changed. Maybe even gotten worse. You WILL wish you'd gotten out when you were young. 

Believe me.


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## just_about_done (Feb 6, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> MaybeItsMe,
> 
> Your wife's goal is a sexless marriage, plain and simple.
> 
> ...



This is exactly right! She is turning you down most times you initiate and keeping you from discussing the problem with her. Keep playing by those rules and she will start turning you down more and more often. She doesn't want to talk about sex because she want's to forget about sex completely.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Do you think she wants to be dominated without having to actually say she does? does she want me to just say "hay, get over here!"


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

You are predictable.. don't be.

Stop Talking... she is NOT DEAF she heard you plain and clear.

You can only control you... don't chase after dead prey.
Treat her as she treats you.

Once you find yourself again you will instantly become more attractive.

Never ask just do. There is nothing wrong with you attempting to have sex with your wife.

THERE IS NO QUICK FIX. Be patient.... be sane.
Stop trying to figure her out.. let her do that.

Change the out of balance dynamic.
Life is a marathon not a sprint. There will be ups and downs.

Don't spend all day on TAM this place is depressing.


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## MaybeItsMe? (Oct 26, 2011)

Well I tried to get a kiss from her but got the brush off. Not cleaned her teeth she said so that was that, she went to the bathroom a few times but didn't clean them so I guess that's her way of saying no. New one on me, still hurts and angers me though. Time for the ultimatum talk I think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Before trying anything, it's good to consult a good divorce lawyer. Just in case .


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Sounds like she doesn't want to have sex with you anymore and is claiming that talking about it ruins it for her.

In reality, she is hoping you don't ever bring it up because she never wants it. My opinion 

(Maybe she has found and gotten hooked on a "man" that takes three "D" cells and doesn't complain .....  )


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

MaybeItsMe? said:


> Well I tried to get a kiss from her but got the brush off. Not cleaned her teeth she said so that was that, she went to the bathroom a few times but didn't clean them so I guess that's her way of saying no. New one on me, still hurts and angers me though. Time for the ultimatum talk I think.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No...the time for the ultimatum talk was YEARS ago.

Been here for four pages. You keep asking for specifics and details of what you are doing wrong.

It's basic. She is controlling and she has NO respect for your needs. She isn't interested in the sexual side of marriage (at least with you...not insinuating anything, but something you might check) and YOU are allowing her to get away with it.

So...she might have a sexual dysfunction, but your lack of sex is on YOU. YOU are allowing her stubborness and YOU are staying in a frankly sh*tty relationship.

Is she prettier than you? Does she earn more money than you? Is she better educated than you? These things have a tendency to turn women off...making them think that they can do far better...and are stuck. This isn't an entirely accurate assessment as TONS of educated, well heeled magazine writing females have written articles about how they have never met Mr. Perfect...I mean Right...and darn it they are JUST fine with it....sob

This relationship isn't working. What exactly does she bring to the table except her own self for dinner? Is she a fabulous housekeeper? Does she make you special cookies or make you feel like a wonderful human being? Is she incredibly considerate...or is she a person with a XX chromosome who is filling up the 'Married' slot on a your personal development checklist?

Cause the thing is...that particular slot is in PENCIL. It can be rewritten.

So...unless you can tell me any CURRENT wonderful traits about your wife...why are you staying?

I am snippy because you still haven't had the penny drop yet after four pages. Move into the other bedroom, go to the gym to work out, look at spandex covered heinies and consider that MOST of the people in that gym have had sex this week.

That COULD be you...but not with this woman.

It's going to take her a minimum of 4 months to get readjusted to any 'new' reality. Strangely enough...that's about how long a divorce takes too...

So...

Allow me to add some content.

Here are some strategies and talking points.

One, have a calendar set up with a date one month away circled. Have the name of a divorce attorney selected there (I know this seems presumptuous and arbitrary. Consider your string of successes in changing her mind. Your sense of what is necessary is flawed.)

Pay that attorney a retainer. Give him the general gist of what you want so the paperwork can be drawn up.

That is the deadline for her making a GOOD FAITH and SERIOUS EFFORT to change.

You will not initiate sex again. You've done MONTHS without. One more month won't kill you. You EXPECT sex twice a week like normal couples.

Figure our your finances and living arrangements in advance.

When (not if) she gets angry in an unreasonable way (use good judgment here. Something more than 6 months old is either an issue which needs SEVERE counseling, or just a tool to manipulate you), you walk away. Why get upset because she's popped a circuit breaker? Find a dollar movie theater. It will come in handy.

***

Consider this very carefully. Maybe this behavior is a passive aggressive way to TRY to force a divorce...and your continuing in being faithful is making her more and more resentful.

It's a theory. Might not be true but possible.


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