# Her lack of Drive and initiation



## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Hello everyone and this is my first post.

A little back round. We have been together 3 plus years. She is 40 I am 45. We are both divorced, her after 15 years and my previous marriage was 22 years. We have 5 teenagers between us but only 1 with us all the time.

We are both attracted to each other and physically take care of ourselves. We workout regularly, usually together, and enjoy each other. 

Professionally she is in the medical field and works about 45 hours a week. I am self employed in the building industry and work from home most of the time. While my income has been decimated by this economic slowdown I still do OK.

Our difference is that I have a pretty powerful sex drive and she just doesn't. While we do have sex 2 times a week and sometimes 3 it is just to long for me between the times. She admits that her libido is a little low and we know she has a very low metabolism. Shes in bed asleep by 9 at the latest. She also REFUSES to initiate. I kind of need that. Need to feel wanted and someone to express that to me. Not everyday...maybe once a week?? I really enjoy it when she wants me and just want to have that feeling in our relationship. She says she does, but she doesn't show it.

When we are sexually active its very good. Its not one sided and I make sure she is satisfied at least 90 pct of the time. She just does not have the hunger for it that I do. I want to experience everything that our sexual life will offer, and experience it together in a loving relationship. While she is not just vanilla I think sometimes she thinks I'm nuts.

As far as the other parts of our life I do the things that so many woman seem to take issue with their spouses about. I do 95 pct of the cooking, I help clean and keep the house up (we have about the cleanest house you could imagine) dishes, clothes, etc. I'm a trained personal trainer and help her with her workouts, and I am integrated in all the kids lives and help as much as possible. I tell her she is beautiful every day without question (something her previous mate did not do at all)
and try to reassure her as sometimes she can have some self confidence issues. She does tend to be a perfectionist (all the cans in the pantry must have the labels turned out and lined up just so) and we have discussed that things should not need to be perfect to initiate sex.


I just dont quite understand. If you have something that brings you closer together such as sex, something you both enjoy, something that releases endorphins that help you relax, sleep better, and even burn calories, why dont you want to have that more often?? Why dont you have a want for that?? 

I have tried talking to her, explaining my side or thoughts. "The best part of my day is getting into bed with you and being with you" or "when the door closes to our room there is nothing I want more than to be intimate with you" but explaining didn't work. I tried to beg a little, but that seems like harassment and I wouldn't want that from her so I stopped. I tried sitting back and let her come to me but she then thinks I dont want her and refuses to come to me. Ugh. I starting to get frustrated and it is showing in our day to day life. She started an herbal supplement that was supposed to help but it doesn't seem to, even though her orgasms are more intense. You would think that would make you want more?? Doesn't seem to be happening.

So many woman think that sex is some kind of job just to get the husband out of her hair and treat it as such. She has not gotten to that point, as so many of her friends seem to be. But I don't want her to get there. I really wish she just wanted me the way I want her.

Just wanted some input before I get so frustrated it does damage to our relationship.

Thank you for any comments or suggestions.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Our difference is that I have a pretty powerful sex drive and she just doesn't. While we do have sex 2 times a week and sometimes 3 it is just to long for me between the times.


2-3 times a week isn't unreasonable. I'd venture to say most men would think that was not a problem. 



> She admits that her libido is a little low and we know she has a very low metabolism. Shes in bed asleep by 9 at the latest.


So it's not personal. She's not rejecting YOU. 



> She also REFUSES to initiate. I kind of need that. Need to feel wanted and someone to express that to me. Not everyday...maybe once a week?? I really enjoy it when she wants me and just want to have that feeling in our relationship. She says she does, but she doesn't show it.


Many women have a responsive sex drive. They aren't always thinking about sex; they need to be warmed up in order to want to have sex. Again, it's not personal. Expecting her to initiate if she has a responsive sex drive is just setting yourself up to be disappointed.



> When we are sexually active its very good. Its not one sided and I make sure she is satisfied at least 90 pct of the time. She just does not have the hunger for it that I do.


If the sex is very good 2-3 times a week, you may be expecting too much of her to suddenly become a different person with a different kind of sex drive.

Pushing her for it is the fastest way to build up resentments about it, so I wouldn't go down that route. Don't turn this into a contentious point or you'll see your sex life dwindle as the resentment builds.

No one has found a magic pilll or spell to make anyone become higher drive, so I'm suggesting taking a different perspective and enjoy what you do have (a regular and very good sex life).


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> 2-3 times a week isn't unreasonable. I'd venture to say most men would think that was not a problem.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your right most men would say that is not that bad. My response to that is maybe I'm not most men and I know what makes me happy. I don't want to be confined to what "most" or someone else may be happy with. While 2 times a week makes someone else happy, its 2 times on a sat and Sunday then nothing for 7 days that doesn't make me happy. 

I try not to take it personal, but when you explain your needs to your mate and they basically will not try, how can you not in some way take it personal? If you went to your mate and asked that he make sure the kitchen is clean before you get home from work and he doesn't do it, is he not meeting your need?

As far as the initiation is we are trying to work on that and truthfully I don't understand. This is the first time in my life I am able to openly explain my needs to a mate and while I may be asking a bit once in a while of initiation would not hurt anybody. Just like a woman loves to be told they are beautiful, a man likes to be wanted. Simple. I don't need to be tackled at the door to the house every day...just a simple "I want you in my bed tonight or I want you right here....etc" every once in a while. Asking to much? 

While dating, before we moved in together, we RARELY went to bed without having sex. She would run home at lunch time. While I understand that is the "honeymoon" phase my fear is where we will be in 6 months, or a year.....or 5 years. I DON'T want to be that guy that is so prevalent that says he "loves his mate but the sex is terribly infrequent" I am 45, this is probably and hopefully my last relationship. I would like spectacular, not mediocre.

And I do fight the internal battle that I ask to much. She told me yesterday I should appreciate what I have because according to Cosmo and the girls at the office "they wouldn't do all that stuff with their husbands" Yeah, well lets take a poll to see how happy their husbands are.

Sorry if I'm a bit direct but this is an important subject to me and to our relationship. We are not married yet and while I love this woman very very much this issue needs to be solved BEFORE we walk down that isle.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi -

Your words "She REFUSES to initiate." I agree with you. You are not asking too much. Does she "initiate" other things? I know you love her very much, but I think she is being selfish over this issue. It is not hard to say the words:

"Hey Cyclist Baby - let's go have sex!


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

She says she "doesnt know how" 

She said the same thing about talking dirty during sex. Said she just cant get the words out. So I loaded her kindle with some books about it and it helped for a while. 

I got her some books about female sexuality. Also the 50 shades books. It helps for a week or so..then we go back. 

Every once in a while (MAYBE once every two months) ill get a text or a little whisper "im really horny today" then when nightime comes its gone.....talk about frustration!

Something has happened in her past that has gotten her to this point. There was a boyfriend in high school who pushed to hard. So she has a bad feeling about being even the slightest bit "pushy" sexually. I had the converstation that her past bad experience is not a reflection on her current relationship. He previous partner RARELY led her to orgasm. She does with me almost always. So past doesnt stop us from doing what we want to do currently. "its just not in her" she says.

I think she is beginning to think that I am nuts or something. Maybe I am just spoiled or something as I dated a girl for a while that was a sexual MANIAC and I loved EVERY minute of it. Unfortunetly she was a MANIAC in other aspects of her life and we just couldnt stay together. My current SO is fantastic in many many areas and has her life very much in order, but this area is starting to wear on me. As you can tell im a biiiiit frustrated..lol


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

So you're getting good sex 2-3 times a week and whining about it? Wow. Needy and greedy. But I'd say the answer is make the sex better for her and stop initiating.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

I have gone through dry spells with the wife where it was 2 or 3 times over a two-month span. Be happy with what you're getting.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Drover said:


> So you're getting good sex 2-3 times a week and whining about it? Wow. Needy and greedy. But I'd say the answer is make the sex better for her and stop initiating.


Its actually much closer to 2 times a week. Maybe 3 times once a month or so.

Its the days in between when we have the time to do so that get to me. If we are together twice in a weekend then it may be 5 days or 7 days before we are again. Thats to long in my book.

Make the sex better for her? She has mulitple orgasms almost every time we have sex. We rarely are less than 30 minutes to an hour involved, and I do everything she may ask. I dont know how I can make it a lot better unless I get the massage table and candles out EVERY time. Which actually I do the candles almost every time and the massage table is pretty frequent.

So the sex is good for her. There is a closeness, cuddling, falling asleep afterwards in each others arms, lots of foreplay. She tells me by far I am the best lover she could have.

I tried to stop initiating thinking she would want it more. She then thinks I dont want her and stops all together.

Am I needy? Maybe I am in that sense. Maybe sexuality is to much of a priority in my life and I need to take up another hobby. But I know this. When we were more active and she wanted me more we were happier. Both of us. Things were much more at ease and we wanted each other more. 

Me pushing her into this is not helping, me stopping didnt help.

The next step may be to try and teach her what I need or what I am looking for. If she is receptive to that maybe it will help.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> You would think that would make you want more??


But everyone has a "limit" lets put it this way satisfying especially intensely satisfying sex is just that satisfies me for a "time"..My interest level for sex or the desire for sex goes back down to ZERO immediatley following sexual release then BUILDS back up ...its normally that way for everyone just the time in between ...the build time VARIES. person to person.If "more" is all good sex made everyone want every person who has great sex wouldnt even get up out to the bed..they would just stay locked in sex 24/7..

And I guess it depends to what do you mean more?Becasue obvioulsy she does want 'more' or after great sex that would be it..done ..Just becasue great sex doesnt make her want it as FREQUENTLY as you do doesnt mean she never wants any more of it obviously if she desires and ENJOYS sex 2 to 3 times a week..and by the way i would like to see a sex "expert' call deisring sex what sounds like around 10 times a month "low libido"..I really get tired of people who seem to have completely NORMAL sex drives being termed "low libido"(as in there is somethigng abnormal with it)...just because they arent insatiable(seem to never get enough) just because their spouse is horny again in 30 minutes right after sex day in and day out.

And as far as initiating?I just wouldnt harp on that..maybe sweetly ask her if she will try and pick one day a month that she makes it a point to let you know its her idea that would thrill you ...I myself am normally uncomfortabel initiating .it really isnt "in me" Im sure its societal messages and the way I was raised..but on occassion I go for it even though it feels similar to jumping off a cliff..(I imagine becasue I've never jumped off a cliff)...On top of the fact when my husband is all over me everyday its hard to even get a chance...

Anyway Im not saying you shouldnt be "happy" but happiness to should invlove you knowing your wife is comfortable and you arent pressuring her to do things that for her arent natural or even seem intimidating..and APPRECIATING what you have..and that goes for ALL areas of marriage(and life) not just sex..

Also if its truly the "time in between" as in 2 or 3 times over a day or 2 and nothing for you said 7 days?Then why are you talking about 'more sex"?Why not discuss having sex 2 sometimes 3 days a week but more spread out?Sex on a Saturday ...Sex on a Tuesday and occassionaly sex agian on a Friday?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> I have gone through dry spells with the wife where it was 2 or 3 times over a two-month span. Be happy with what you're getting.


And not just hes "getting" sounds like she "likes' recieving"..She getting into it and enjoying herself..not a cold fish..not "do what YOU NEED to do" and by the way "hurry up"..Which is often times the result especially if you take a NORMAL sexually active person and try and push their personal threshold.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> its 2 times on a sat and Sunday then nothing for 7 days that doesn't make me happy.


So what is it about weekends that is different from weekdays? Your answer lies there.


> I try not to take it personal, but when you explain your needs to your mate and they basically will not try, how can you not in some way take it personal? If you went to your mate and asked that he make sure the kitchen is clean before you get home from work and he doesn't do it, is he not meeting your need?


You are equating sex with household chores? If she's thinking of sex like it is a household chore, you have much bigger problems.

You explained your needs and she explained hers. You need more sex. She needs less. Why are your needs more important than hers?


> And I do fight the internal battle that I ask to much. She told me yesterday I should appreciate what I have because according to Cosmo and the girls at the office "they wouldn't do all that stuff with their husbands" Yeah, well lets take a poll to see how happy their husbands are.


_Do _you appreciate what you have? Because if not, then she's already building resentment that will lead to even less desire for sex with you.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEShe has mulitple orgasms almost every time we have sex. We rarely are less than 30 minutes to an hour involved, and I do everything she may ask.][/QUOTE]

So she is SPENT ..she spent her sexual energy and needs REBUILD of desire..I for one can not have that kind of sexual energy "reserved" in a day or two week in and week out month after month and its not selfishness or never wanting more..its SPENT for a "time" and if I "need' more time than someone else doesnt mean Im "witholding" ..


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So what is it about weekends that is different from weekdays?


I was wondering about that too...

[QUOTEYou are equating sex with household chores? If she's thinking of sex like it is a household chore, you have much bigger problems.][/QUOTE]

I agree except I would say if she KNOWS hes equating his performing a household chore to her providing him "more sex" then he has much bigger problems..Compare scrubbign toilets..takign a car in for an oil change..or evne especially "payign the bills' t a woman providign you sex thats the kind of sex you can expect..her 'thrill level" will be about as exciting as watchign her scrub a toilet..takign a car in for an oil change..or sex beign her 'job" that she has to do to get paid..that she wishes she could quit and hates her boss..


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> But everyone has a "limit" lets put it this way satisfying especially intensely satisfying sex is just that satisfies me for a "time"..My interest level for sex or the desire for sex goes back down to ZERO immediatley following sexual release then BUILDS back up ...its normally that way for everyone just the time in between ...the build time VARIES. person to person.If "more" is all good sex made everyone want every person who has great sex wouldnt even get up out to the bed..they would just stay locked in sex 24/7..
> 
> And I guess it depends to what do you mean more?Becasue obvioulsy she does want 'more' or after great sex that would be it..done ..Just becasue great sex doesnt make her want it as FREQUENTLY as you do doesnt mean she never wants any more of it obviously if she desires and ENJOYS sex 2 to 3 times a week..and by the way i would like to see a sex "expert' call deisring sex what sounds like around 10 times a month "low libido"..I really get tired of people who seem to have completely NORMAL sex drives being termed "low libido"(as in there is somethigng abnormal with it)...just because they arent insatiable(seem to never get enough) just because their spouse is horny again in 30 minutes right after sex day in and day out.
> 
> ...



Thank you for the input as you have some very good points.

I dont think she has a LOW sex drive as much as it doesnt match up to mine. Maybe mine is hyper drive and hers is medium.

Sometimes I think its the attitude around it. "Well YOU got it 3 days ago..." etc. That "YOU" gets to me. Wait a minute, I thought this was an US activity?? It certainly was while we were there. I am not a selfish 10 minute lover that just gets done rolls over and falls asleep.

And the initation does kind of hurt. WHile we were dating it was quite a bit different. We rarely went to bed without being active. Now when I come to bed she is usually curled up and ready to sleep 5 minutes after she jumped in. It used to be a shower, something a lil sexy, etc etc. I know, everyone goes through the honeymoon stage. But it was important then, why does it change? Why does something that was so important, something that made our relationship better on all levels, slow down?? The problem is that its not as important to her as it is to me and sometimes that hurts, especially when I have tried very hard to explain it and be open about it.

And your right I have had a problem in the past of appreciating what I have had. Since the economic slow down I have given up a ton and completly changed my viewpoint on material things and more towards enjoying experiences and loved one. The sexual part of my life is very important, and while its not who I am as a whole I believe when its great my relationship is so much better.

I am trying now to talk to her about letting me show her how I would like things to be for us. If we both go at this with an open mind in the thought that our relationship could get nothing but better maybe it will help. I am sure there is a middle ground here somewhere.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

[QUOTEAnd I do fight the internal battle that I ask to much. She told me yesterday I should appreciate what I have because according to Cosmo and the girls at the office "they wouldn't do all that stuff with their husbands" Yeah, well lets take a poll to see how happy their husbands are.][/QUOTE]

The point is she IS doing all those things and YOU still arent happy..The point is(I think shes making) those men most likely would say "Im happy" if they had a girl like her..

Its VERY defeating when you feel like you are giving your all..you are "going out of your way" and eve stretching you comfort level and boundaries and all you here is "its not good enough' and I "want more"..

Men arent the only ones with sexual "egos" who dont want to be pegged a "failure " in bed..and if deemed that you start to want to avoid it all together..You are "gradign her' performance and givign her "negative review"(fail) when many (her point is) would give her an A+...


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Thank you for the input as you have some very good points.


Your welcome..


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## Mr steal your girl (Aug 11, 2012)

Stop doing the cooking. Don't let her boss you around the house. You're going to have to man up and put this woman in her place. There is no way you should be doing most of the house work. Sounds like you are too focused on pleasing her.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I dont think she has a LOW sex drive as much as it doesnt match up to mine. Maybe mine is hyper drive and hers is medium.


I would venture to guess that..so technically you are asking her to have an "abnormal" amount of sex and WANT to..

Your asking her to WANT to have MORE sex than a completley healthy normal "average" person does..


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> [QUOTEAnd I do fight the internal battle that I ask to much. She told me yesterday I should appreciate what I have because according to Cosmo and the girls at the office "they wouldn't do all that stuff with their husbands" Yeah, well lets take a poll to see how happy their husbands are.]


The point is she IS doing all those things and YOU still arent happy..The point is(I think shes making) those men most likely would say "Im happy" if they had a girl like her..

Its VERY defeating when you feel like you are giving your all..you are "going out of your way" and eve stretching you comfort level and boundaries and all you here is "its not good enough' and I "want more"..

Men arent the only ones with sexual "egos" who dont want to be pegged a "failure " in bed..and if deemed that you start to want to avoid it all together..You are "gradign her' performance and givign her "negative review"(fail) when many (her point is) would give her an A+...[/QUOTE]

I get your point and I agree with you on much of it. And while I may have made it sound like I dont appreciate her I really do, and show it all the time. If its not flowers then its texts, if not texts the house is cleaned before she arrives, etc etc. I also tell her how much I love our sex life and how much I love being that close to her.

That is ALWAYS my main reason of why I want her more, and more of her. And I explain that to her.

My frustration level is with the change in her and her frequency. Until we moved in together it was pretty much an every night affair, and I was with her about 4-6 nights a week. I thought I had met my match. We were very open sexually and did a lot of exploration, talked about it on a regular basis, etc. She had explored her sexuality in ways that were very attactive to me and it seemed that we we a very good fit. Now we have gotten to the "old married couple" (for lack of a better term) and the importance is a bit one sided. Its far more important that the wood floors are clean or the DW empty in a regular basis. 

THEN, out of the blue...she will flip a darn switch and there she is, the way she used to be. Then it goes away and she looks at me like im insane for talking about anything sexual. 

That is a frustration for me and I dont quite understand it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> "Well YOU got it 3 days ago..." etc. That "YOU" gets to me. Wait a minute, I thought this was an US activity??


Because your the one who is complaining that its not enough..Like she isnt performing up to your standards..

Yes SHE got it too but she isnt the one telling you its "sub par" ..(in anyway )..

You are beign the "perfectionist" in this case i think..trying to take a good(but imperfect as 99% of life is) thing and "tweak it' to a point its seemingly "micro managing"..

I think you FEAR if you dont keep on top of it ..it will degrade ??


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Or just don't walk down the aisle...


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

Mr steal your girl said:


> Stop doing the cooking. Don't let her boss you around the house. You're going to have to man up and put this woman in her place. There is no way you should be doing most of the house work. Sounds like you are too focused on pleasing her.




Talk to me in 10 years and let me know how that avenue works out for you....


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> My frustration level is with the change in her and her frequency. Until we moved in together it was pretty much an every night affair, and I was with her about 4-6 nights a week. I thought I had met my match. We were very open sexually and did a lot of exploration, talked about it on a regular basis, etc. She had explored her sexuality in ways that were very attactive to me and it seemed that we we a very good fit. Now we have gotten to the "old married couple" (for lack of a better term) and the importance is a bit one sided. Its far more important that the wood floors are clean or the DW empty in a regular basis.


It's called the honeymoon period for a reason. The newness and rush of chemicals to the brain causes this. After a couple of years, those chemicals simmer down, it's not new anymore, and drive settles into its normal levels. This happens to both men and women.



> THEN, out of the blue...she will flip a darn switch and there she is, the way she used to be. Then it goes away and she looks at me like im insane for talking about anything sexual.


Yes, she flips a switch when her drive kicks in. And it goes away when her drive is satisfied.



> That is a frustration for me and I dont quite understand it.


I think it would help you to try to understand it. Especially because I think it might help you to understand that she isn't doing this TO you to torture you. She is being herself natural self. (Unless she's on birth control pills...that can lower a woman's libido).

Read up on sexual drives and sexual styles. Someone here had a great link to different sex styles...maybe they'll come along and post. 

Also, I'll ask again: What is different about weekends?

You said she is in the medical field. Is she working 12 hour shifts and then you expect her to be raring to go for sex? 

She goes to bed at 9pm...does that mean she has to get up at a very early hour? Maybe trying sex earlier than bedtime could work, unless she's working those 12 hour shifts and is exhausted when she gets home.

Do you have a chance on weekends to spend more quality time together? That makes a big difference for me - I need that quality time to re-connect emotionally before I'm ready for sex.

Can she sleep in late on weekends? That tells you she's a lot less tired then. Maybe morning sex is a better option.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Cyclist said:


> Talk to me in 10 years and let me know how that avenue works out for you....


I tend to agree..except I dont think the division of labor should be very out of whack..(on either side)..My husband happens to be a neat freak..So while I do my "share" I refuse to let him stand over me and tell me 'you missed a spot' ..LOL>>He doesnt like the way I do it he can do it himself..other than that its equal distribution or you see it needs to be done do it..As long as your standards are "reasonable" then you dont need to "put your foot down" on the other one..


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Because your the one who is complaining that its not enough..Like she isnt performing up to your standards..
> 
> Yes SHE got it too but she isnt the one telling you its "sub par" ..(in anyway )..
> 
> ...


I think I wish it was as important to her as it is to me. Simply put.

I will ramp up the appreciation so she does not think she is not doing enough. Its a good point and I dont want her to feel that way whatsoever. While I have explained that many times it may not be what she is hearing.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I think I wish it was as important to her as it is to me. Simply put.


I understand..

We all "wish" something dont we not?I think we have to go with "balance in the end..and "reason" none are perfect..I tend though to be "glass half full" type..and the "counting blessings " type"..I wanted adn wanted and wanted so bad certian things for so long..I realized I was chasing my own tail and missing out on the "positives " in my "dwelling"..Im nto sayign be treated like **** and run over ...just sometimes its not as bad as we make it out to be not having every wish granted..

adn sometimes with "time" some of your wishes are granted after you even let it go and decided "this is "good enough"..in little dribbles ya know?

I get "sentamental" on this topic of "wishes"..Some people wish they could afford to go on a vacation every couple of years..Some people "wish " they had clean water to drink while they are dying of parasite infecting thier bowels form lack of and 12 months old..they die in agony adn pain never even learnign the concept of "vacation "..I still WANT the person t get to go on vacation ..

BLAHH!!!

Sorry I went "deep"..


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

norajane said:


> It's called the honeymoon period for a reason. The newness and rush of chemicals to the brain causes this. After a couple of years, those chemicals simmer down, it's not new anymore, and drive settles into its normal levels. This happens to both men and women.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




She works 8 hour days and has about 1.5 hours of total commute time. Yes shes up at 6 am. I get up at about 630. Our internal clocks are a bit different. Its tough for me to be asleep at 9 unless Ive worked out very hard and we have been sexually active. Being active before 9 is tough, we have a teenager in the house.

We have every other weekend with no kids so we get to act like a couple of teenagers. That is our connection time. Thank goodness for it...its the only good thing to come from the divorces. We really enjoy those weekends together but even she says she doesnt want to just live for those weekends. And yes she can sleep in on the weekends

When her drive is satisfied I guess I just "reload" quicker?? Maybe I do take it to personal but I just wish she wanted me like I want her. I cant stand it when she takes her clothes off she turns me on so much. And now I am to the point where I dont say anything because I dont know how she will respond. SO i just keep silent for fear of being let down or her thinking im a maniac. 

She says to me "why cant you just be easy" and I say "because I want a fabulous sex life, and fabulous takes effort and time for both of us" 

Gotta be a point in the middle somewhere.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> We have every other weekend with no kids so we get to act like a couple of teenagers. That is our connection time. Thank goodness for it.


That sounds REALLY really good..those are the "sparks and embers" that keep the ability of a blazing fire "later on "..Buildign blocks ..

Weird when my husband runs in all excited and says look!! there is an owl in the tree..and I look ..and we are both amazed?CONNECT..later Im not feeeling "excieted cuz we saw an owl" but because he saw the owl and wanted to show me..out of all the people in the world he wanted ME to see what he saw..


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> That sounds REALLY really good..those are the "sparks and embers" that keep the ability of a blazing fire "later on "..Buildign blocks ..
> 
> Weird when my husband runs in all excited and says look!! there is an owl in the tree..and I look ..and we are both amazed?CONNECT..later Im not feeeling "excieted cuz we saw an owl" but because he saw the owl and wanted to show me..out of all the people in the world he wanted ME to see what he saw..



I agree that those special times is very important. We said that from the start of our relationship that "us" time must have a priority.

I'm reading a book, her needs his needs. It's an interesting read and it has some very valid points. We have had some conversations about the book and what our needs are. Her number one need is affection, which I pretty much already knew. I am a pretty affectionate guy but have decided I want to make sure I step it up a bit. She nderstands what my number one need is and we are talking about that. It's a process and I ambling patient.

Funny thing is she says that sex is in her top 5 so there is hope! lol

There are also other things that are happening in our relationship that is taking time away from us. We have 5 teenagers which is always a struggle and we may be moving away from mine which is a difficult decision. It's only 60 miles but right now I am only 6 miles away. Beyond that there as some smaller issues that we are working on and just trying to figure it out. Its an ongoing thing


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## Ayla (Aug 24, 2011)

Look on the bright side. Take it as a compliment of your sexual prowess that you leave her satiated for an entire week everytime you have sex with her. 


You're wife wants you but she is the submissive type of woman and 2-3xs a week satisfies her. She is not turned on by being dominant and being asked to play that role probably turns her off. If she was into being dominant then she would be initiating.

What's your top priority right now? Getting more sex or having her initiate? 

Maybe you should just take the lead and get laid instead of over thinking this and not getting laid enough. If she didn't want you she would turn you down. Don't beg...just get go for it. If she isn't saying no then she isn't rejecting you. If she says didn't you just get it three days ago tell her yep and I'm about to get it again right now. 

Also maybe every session doesn't have to be 30 minutes long. If she likes to go to bed at 9pm can you shower with her at 8:30pm and do a quickie then tuck her in to bed. You don't have to go to sleep that early just to have sex. If you watch t.v in the evening can you dvr your shows. Why do the teens get in the way? If they have their own rooms or have friends and hobbies they shouldn't stop you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Warmth and closeness - oxy tocin
Excitement - dopamine

Some women favor more dopamine. The more chores you do or at least the more you emphasize that the more you kill her dopamine levels. 

Dating - you thought you were hunting her LOL - she was hunting you. Now she trapped in a house with a guy who was little edge and lots of neediness.

More edge, less physical presence. She will initiate or signal more if she gets to hunt again.


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## Cyclist (Aug 22, 2012)

The cleaner the house the more things that are taken care of the better she feels and the closer she gets. So If I drop those things she will just get turned off. And we share those responsibilities its not one sided.

You think I am needy?? You should see her.

Example:

I spent the evening Monday night cuddled up to her watching a movie. Didnt try to initiate any sex at all. Tuesday I got a text telling me she loved that closeness and it makes her excited and want me more. Good deal right?? The affection is doing what its supposed to do.

Last night at 815 I needed to spend some time on the computer. 30 minutes setting something up for my family.

at 845 she came to bed. I was laying on the bed with the laptop.
She asked what I was doing, turned over and went to sleep. Even though I said give me 10 minutes all be done and we can spend some time together.

FF to this morning. I get "I tried to cuddle with you in the middle of the night and you kept pushing me off" and she has this pout on her face all morning. Now I remember a foot coming over and us touching in the middle of the night but I dont remember any push off. IF she cuddles up next to me I always accept it. But she rarely really cuddles. She touches, waits for my response, and IF I dont respond perfectly, gets disgusted and its my fault

Listen, If I want to cuddle I CUDDLE. I "spoon" up next to you and wrap my arm around you and YOU KNOW i am cuddling. I dont play games. This is like some kind of response game that I dont seem to be able to win.

this morning when she made that comment I said I dont remember any pull away, that I was sound asleep, and if she wanted to cuddle with then just do it. Dont expect me to wake up out of a dead sleep and understand what you are trying to do when you put a foot on me.


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