# Were My Instincts Correct??



## PleasantKitty (Jul 31, 2012)

Hi - I'm brand new to this forum. There are so many sad stories and situations that I've read here that I almost feel ridiculous for posting mine. After all, my husband isn't abusive, and we have 4 great kids. We live in a pretty nice house in a pretty nice town with great schools. My husband is handsome and outgoing. He has a great job which with some creative accounting, allows us to live reasonably well. Outwardly, anyone would think I had absolutely no reason to be considering a life away from my husband. So what's my problem?

I don't think my husband ever truly loved me. 

We dated for about a year when we were in our twenties. That didn't work out but we maintained a friendship for years after. He held my hand through a pretty awful relationship, was a father figure to my daughter from that relationship and eventually ended up moving to the same state I had previously relocated to. We got back together after admitting to each other that we'd always known we'd end up together again. I had a pretty fantastic job at the time and loved being able to take care of myself and my daughter on my own. He was also successful professionally. It was a good fit. Then I got pregnant at the same time he was offered a great new job in another state. We carried on with our long distance relationship but I lost our baby at 6 months. He was hurt and upset; I was devastated. In the long run, we decided that I would move anyway. Our relationship wasn't based on the pregnancy. But the move was anything but smooth. We argued incessantly; he accused me of hubris and arrogance. I was too shocked to respond most of the time. He spoke with such vitriol that I started to doubt that I'd made the right decision in moving. But I had a 4 year old to take care of and a brand new job in a new city and state. We had just purchased a new home so I figured I needed to stick it out until I could at least save enough money to get my own place. I found myself second guessing everything I said to him for fear that it may be taken the wrong way. But then things seemed to get a little better. I thought perhaps it was just a rough transition. 

Fast forward: 1 new job, 1 new house in a new city and 2.5 children later. We'd found a nice little rhythm to our existence. Enter the brother. Unemployed and a little alcoholic. My husband used his brother's presence as an excuse to relive his college years. Passing out nightly and burning up my pots and pans from having the munchies was not an uncommon occurrence. The final straw for me was the day we ran out of baby food for my six month old. My husbands brother wasn't contributing to the household at the time but had just enough money to buy another 12 pack of beer but he was too drunk to drive himself. He asked my husband to take him to the store to get some more. I pulled my husband aside and asked him to please ask his brother to contribute because our daughter needed baby food. He refused. My sister ended driving to my house to take me grocery shopping. She lives an hour away from my house. That night, I kicked them both out. I say that like it was cut and dry; it wasn't. It was a nightmare full of yelling and screaming and throwing things. All on my side. My husband must have thought I was having a nervous breakdown. He may not have been wrong.

Let me break here because I don't mean to give the impression that our relationship is broken solely because of him. I fully realize that it takes TWO people to make a marriage work. I think at times, my expectations were unreasonable. I know my husband wishes I was working, which I did for quite a few years but right now, I am unemployed. I know he wishes I'd taken better care of myself. I'm 80 pounds heavier than when we first met. He is too mind you but I see in the mirror why he wouldn't find me a prize anymore. Add into that the emotional upheaval of perimenopause and I know he probably dreads coming home from work sometimes. I'm anal retentive and demanding. My girls are held to high standards when it comes to school and extra-curriculars. He is definitely more easy going. He's funny, outgoing and charming. I'm more reserved around people I don't feel comfortable around. He is comfortable around anyone. He isn't a bad guy. I like him. I just don't think we were meant to be. Sad realization 4 kids later.

Anyway, he moved back in and even though we still had some fights, the time in between became longer and longer. He explored different lifestyle changes like becoming a vegan. I became a Girl Scout Leader and active in my daughter's school and while I didn't fully embrace the vegan lifestyle, I liked making better and healthier choices together for our benefit and the benefit of our children. 

We spent time together as a couple, we laughed together. It seemed to be working. But maybe it was just superstition that I never legally changed my name. For all legal documents I hyphenated my name but never changed my drivers license or social security card. We got along. We laughed together and had great sex. But as a couple, as a team; two people working in mutual concert towards the future of the family we never were. Any decisions that needed to be made about US were never made. He always managed to make it about him. When our finances became too much to handle, he came home from work one day and told me he'd declared bankruptcy. "Am I included in the bankruptcy", I asked him because I have several thousands of dollars in medical bills because the insurance that HE signed up for doesn't pay for diagnostic testing of any sort and barely pays for the things it IS supposed to cover. His answer was "No." Why would I include you? "Aren't we married? Didn't the lawyer advise you to include your wife?" I asked. He never gave me a straight answer. He just pooh poohed the idea like I had no understanding of anything as complicated as bankruptcy. Things like this happen all the time. When I'd talked to him about it, he'd always explain that he had a hard time including other people because of the way he'd grown up (in foster care.) I thought it was something that would work out through communication and patience.

But this summer, a couple of things happened that caused me to be barely be able to even look at him. I think I hate him.

In May, I started to suffer from a what may be a pretty serious medical condition. I say 'may be' because I don't know what it is. My symptoms could indicate cancer. I need a simple but expensive procedure to remove the growth to biopsy it. When we were advised of the cost, my husband was in the process of planning our family's summer vacation with his cousin. I wasn't asked to participate. When I tried to become involved, I was ignored. I came down to paying for the summer rental, or paying for my procedure. Guess what was paid for? There wasn't any way he could pass up spending the week with his 'hot' cousin. That's how he describes her to everyone. The vacation was a disaster. The rental house was covered in pet hair, there was poop in the master bed. I had to completely scrub the kitchen with bleach before we could even eat. I didn't sleep for a week. While we were there, he completely ignored me. He didn't sleep in the bed with me once. This is when I started to hate him.

Now its July soon to be August. The money to pay for my procedure is nowhere in sight. He doesn't seem to care or even ask me about it. I vacillate between complete depression where I don't even care if I'm sick. I think it would be a relief to escape from my life. Then I think about my children and I realize how selfish that type of thinking is. The thing is, I don't even recognize myself in the mirror anymore. I used to be someone else. Someone people wanted to know. Someone who was attractive and smart and funny. Someone who had something of value. Now I feel like I have nothing anyone would want. 

I'm sorry to have written a short book on the subject but I really have no one to talk to. I spend my days with my girls and I talk to my sisters occasionally but I don't feel free to really let anyone know what is going on because I know its my own fault but I don't know if I have the strength to get out of it alone. I need help. I feel pathetic. I've alienated most of my friends at this point. I just don't know where to turn.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You started off saying your H was a good provider and handsome and doesn't mistreat you, then the rest of your post you shredded apart your opening statement suggesting your H is actually emotionally abusive, irresponsible, not financially dependable at all.

So which is it? If all that stuff is in the past then put as much of it as you can behind you and work with what you got now. If the consequences of his past behaviors are with you now, you still have to deal with them, but if you are both invested in the marriage you can overcome together.

I don't think its a matter of whether or not he loved you, he probably wouldn't have married you otherwise, or else he saw YOU as his meal ticket.

I think you need to step back, maybe with a counsellor and take a good inventory of your relationship, determine who is the one really doing the heavy lifting to survive in life - if its all you, well then you will have a clear path forward... if its not so uneven then it means he is still invested in the marriage, and it was never a matter of "love" it is a matter of getting your (his) sh1t together.


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## PleasantKitty (Jul 31, 2012)

For all appearances, my husband doesn't mistreat me. I'm not even sure I'd classify myself as someone who is married to an abusive husband, emotional or not because somehow I allowed him to treat me that way so I've ended up with a situation that I've helped to make, right? 

The idea that he probably wouldn't have married me otherwise is really a tricky subject because he would actually do that. We did things a bit wonky. We bought a house and had children before we got married. Maybe he felt like he was already in it so why not make it official. But there was a line he never allowed to be crossed. His personal endeavors were guarded jealously. I wasn't afforded the luxury especially after I stopped working. But I can forgive him that. Like I said, he's a pretty cool guy but this latest development with my health and his obvious lack of compassion for my feelings about it have left me resentful and numb.

You may be right about counseling. I need to work out my own personal issues obviously. If I need to leave, I have no one else to blame but myself if I don't. But really, I just want him to care and if he doesn't, I want him to finally tell me. 

We had a talk the other night when I finally was honest with him about how wretched I was feeling. His response wasn't to comfort me. He has barely spoken to me since. I reached out to him and was honest about how distant I felt and how left out I felt about this summer and he....well, I don't know what he's feeling. Maybe he's making plans to leave himself. I don't know.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Forget about appearances, what matters is between you and him... when you opened a dialog, being comforted probably wasn't the ideal goal anyway, your goal is to get down to the real state of your relationship. It isn't easy at all - from me, a guy who wished my W and I got to the bottom of things before either of us checked out, I sure wish we had both had the courage to really tackle the core issues (unmet relationship needs) before giving up on things. So my only advice is don't give up on yourself, your H or your marriage, but do start learning how to define your needs and your boundaries (that is where the IC/MC comes in). Try not to presume you know what he is thinking or feeling because one thing I believe we always underestimate is other people's ability to surprise us.

For me, my W was expressing her wretchedness, and I was unable to comfort her, or show her an indication of any of my thoughts or feelings, it was a big deal to me and my mind got stuck chewing it over. I don't know your H, I'm just saying don't look too deep into his lack of response, however if he just sweeps it under the rug and goes back to doing the taking in the relationship nothing will come of it. Good luck, and have faith that no matter what happens chugging through this now is getting you somewhere better!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PK,

You know that your marriage has serious problems. You are focuses on the wrong thing… whether or not he ever loved you. That can be sorted out later.

From all you have told us, your husband mistreats you pretty badly. You have a serious medical issue, yet he could care less if you get the medical care you need.

Do you know what your marital financial picture really is? There might be a very good reason why your husband did not include you in his bankruptcy…. He had to disclose things in it that he does not want you to know about. Go get a copy of the bankruptcy paperwork from the court house. Find out what he does not want you to know. Then, once the truth is out in the open have him add your debt to the bankruptcy. 

Have you looked around your community for places that give discounted medical care? When is the enrollment period for insurance where he works so that he can sign up for a better health insurance?

Your husband is foolish about all this because your debt is his debt. There is another issue as well.. if he files for bankruptcy, then his creditors can come after you to try to get you to pay the debt.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

he resents the hell out of you.
question is why, and what he is blaming you for maybe?

he may love you, or hate you. fine line.
But not helping you with medical care. That is serious. i cant fathom a man not wanting his wife to have medical treatment to make her healthy and safe.

something is really off there. he just stopped giving a **** for some reason.  Maybe he partially blamed you for the bankruptcy, maybe he just gave up. Maybe he is just sick of dealing with you and is at his wits end. Or in his mind he is and thinks that way. i havent any idea.


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## PleasantKitty (Jul 31, 2012)

bribrius said:


> he resents the hell out of you.
> question is why, and what he is blaming you for maybe?


Wow - when I read this I realized that this is what I've been feeling from him. When I questioned him about the fact that we don't make decisions together he said I'm not the type of person who makes decisions with anyone. And I said I think you are, just not with me. He tried to deny it but I think he knew I'd hit the nail on the head. Maybe that is why he's pulled away from me. Maybe he is trying to figure things out himself. 

Either way, I think I'll be sending my girls away for the weekend so we can finally make some decisions about our future.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PleasantKitty said:


> Wow - when I read this I realized that this is what I've been feeling from him. When I questioned him about the fact that we don't make decisions together he said I'm not the type of person who makes decisions with anyone. And I said I think you are, just not with me. He tried to deny it but I think he knew I'd hit the nail on the head. Maybe that is why he's pulled away from me. Maybe he is trying to figure things out himself.
> 
> Either way, I think I'll be sending my girls away for the weekend so we can finally make some decisions about our future.


Do not beat yourself thinking that he feels that way and thus you must be at fault. Has he tried to talk to you to tell you what the problems are? Has he told you what he needs to have change to make the marriage work?

If he is this unhappy and yet he has not made a strong effort to get you to work with him to fix the marriage there has been nothing you could do.

Have you told him what you are planning to do this weekend? If he does not know then don't expect a lot out of him.

Is there any chance that he is invovled in an affair?

Before this weekend, go down to the court house and get a copy of what has been filed in the bankruptcy. I have a very strong feeling that you will find out a lot from those papers.


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## PleasantKitty (Jul 31, 2012)

He actually went out of town on business and won't be home until tomorrow. Before he left however, he surprised me with backstage passes to a local concert he got from a stylist friend of his. We had fun and now I'm more confused than ever. Plus some relatives are coming into town unexpectedly so I don't think this will be the time to talk. 

I'm thinking of writing him a letter to try to get some dialogue started. And as far as the bankruptcy is concerned, I've actually seen the paperwork. There isn't anything in there that I don't know about which just made his insistence that I not be included even weirder. 

Deep down, I believe he is a good person who is somewhat damaged by a traumatic childhood. Sounds like an excuse I know because it sure doesn't make anything I'm dealing with now any easier. It doesn't excuse his behavior at all. 

I'm going to insist on counseling. I think we both need help and if it helps it helps. If it doesn't, then at least I know I tried.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

See if you can get a hold of a copy of "why does he do that?" 
You say he isn't abusive because you made the decision to be with him. That makes no sense, I don't get it. 
I really relate to you because I was in a similar situation. 
I would suggest reading as much as you can about emotionally abusive spouses. It will
open your eyes. 
Are you actively looking for work? I would highly suggest it, even if you can just find something part time. Some places will offer insurance of you work at least 30 hours a week. 
Get your own insurance. 
There is so much here I recognize and my gut is telling me to tell you to start preparing for the end. 
You can blame his problems on his childhood but when it comes down to it all of us make choices. He is choosing to treat you this way. He chose his vacation over your health. I can't imagine anyone doing that. It's pretty much saying he doesn't care if you live or die. 
I think the bankruptcy issue is very strange as well. 
I don't blame you for hating him. I think I hate him too. 
I highly recommend induvidual therapy for you. 
If he is the abuser he sounds like, typical marriage counseling isn't going to help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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