# Patience, Patience, Patience...



## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

just when you think you have enough of it to pull through, life proves you wrong =/

I'm new here. Lurking around, i see it's a wonderful place with such supportive people. and i need just that.

it's only been 2 months since i got married (been together for almost 2 years now) and already it's starting to try my patience.

Our marriage _is_ a little unorthodox; we had to keep it a secret from his side of the family, which was hard enough on its own. it's a long dirty story of prejudice and plain old ignorance but in a nutshell, we're living together in secret and my husband isn't able to spend so much time at home, what with being there for his parents, his job, his classes and everything in between. so he comes over an average of 4 hours a day and we try to make the most of it.

I'm really proud of him, the choices he's made with me and how strong both of us have been so far. it won't be long now til we can _properly_ live together like a real married couple.

but i've gotta tell ya, i'm running out of patience FAST and i don't want him to notice. I know it's too early to tell, but i like to think this is as difficult as our marriage is ever going to be. I want to get through this in one piece and with my sanity intact. am i weak for doubting myself only after 2 months?

what was the most difficult time for you guys? what do you pride yourselves on overcoming?

i desperately need a fix of tolerance right about now. don't hold back~


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

I'm contemplating the sweet sugar-induced masterplan to break into his parent's place (yes that's where he, my HUSBAND, has to sleep every night) murder them, sneak into his bed, ravish him senseless and then kidnap him back home where he belongs. and carry on the ravishing of course.

perrrrfect.

i feel like a frkn teenager sneaking around with her boyfriend...this is so not what i signed up for


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not understanding why you're hiding your marriage from his parents. You're both old enough to get married, right? I just don't understand this part.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Heh hiding your relationship from parents? Try hiding it from your whole freakin' neighbourhood! 



> but i like to think this is as difficult as our marriage is ever going to be.


I wouldn't count on it, but that's just me. External issues are a problem sure, but internal ones are even worse. 



> I want to get through this in one piece and with my sanity intact. am i weak for doubting myself only after 2 months?


Yes you are weak, but so am I (with my own current issues). Gotta learn how to be stronger.

As for sanity, I think I've lost mine a long time ago anyway, so I got nothing to lose on that department! Yay!



> what was the most difficult time for you guys? what do you pride yourselves on overcoming?


Most difficult time is probably right now - otherwise I wouldn't even be here. heh


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

sorry i shouldve explained...
why keep it a secret? I'll have to give you some idea about our little beloved country. i live in a society where arranged marriages are the norm and the politically correct way to get married is to ask your folks to find you someone nice =D wasn't the case with hubs and me, evidently.

so our premarital relationship is reason one. (they have this rule that girls who settle for relationships aren't marriage material, here. and im apparently one of those girls. mind you, we only "settled" for a relationship because they didn't want us married to begin with..!!)

the bigger reason was the political marriage thing, they'd wanted their son to marry someone of stature, they'd rather die than have my filthy bloodline taint theirs...or something along those lines. yes, they're dead serious. and i mean it, they _would_ literally die, theyre not in very good health atm. having filthy little me in their family is the last thing they need. and i don't really care about that as much as im worried they'll keep blaming my husband for tearing the family apart. dramatic babies are dictating our lives. control freaks doesn't even begin to describe them, Pandakiss. but hey that's our older generation for ya.

and no, my husband's paying for all our expenses AND some of my in-laws'. the only thing they have on him is the guilt card and daaamn they use it well

wow huge load-off. 

so basically, we can't tell them because we (read: he) care so much about them. so we're crashing in the closet until hopefully right after ma-in-law's surgery, which for her sake and ours had better go well.

either that or she croaks, win win for me :r

plus when they're away for surgery we get to actually live together full time. yay?

that's where patience comes in >=| hope that was elaborate enough


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I guess the answer to your problem is in the title of your own thread (frustrating, I know!). After all you knew what you were getting into while dating/marrying.

I am assuming you are Japanese Japanese (very good American English BTW). You seem to be very progressive (because you question the strict dictates of your own culture -- something that I've known very few Japanese women to do). 

Crossing my fingers for you there!

I wasn't aware that the caste system still plays a huge role in the Japanese society.

Love your avatar


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok...all I can tell you is what you already know...patience. I know that in some countries the arranged marriage has served people very well. In fact, marrying for love (even here) is a relatively new thing (in the last few hundred years or so, I don't remember the stats exactly). Marriage was to secure property, and to ensure that no "undesirables" were admitted to a family. Probably only the lowest of classes married for something other than property reasons, and even at that I'm not so sure it was love. 
There are some kinds of people I wouldn't want my daughters marrying. But if they did, they would have my love and support. As it is I'm not crazy about the man my oldest daughter married, but they have my ONLY grandchild so I keep my big mouth shut. I welcome him and treat him with the respect that is his due as my daughter's husband and the father of my grandchild. It's not easy sometimes, but SHE picked him. So I guess you're just going to have to remain patient. Hard to do, I'm sure. And it doesn't sound like there would be any way to win them over, so you're going to just have to keep doing what you've been doing apparently. Dang, I'm sorry about that.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

have you guys talked about a specific time when you're going to tell them? if you have a specific time then you might feel better.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jaz said:


> sorry i shouldve explained...
> why keep it a secret? I'll have to give you some idea about our little beloved country. i live in a society where arranged marriages are the norm and the politically correct way to get married is to ask your folks to find you someone nice =D wasn't the case with hubs and me, evidently.
> 
> so our premarital relationship is reason one. (they have this rule that girls who settle for relationships aren't marriage material, here. and im apparently one of those girls. mind you, we only "settled" for a relationship because they didn't want us married to begin with..!!)


Haha forbidden fruit is the sweetest no? 
Seems our circumstances are different yet surprisingly similar.

On the plus side, at least you two can still walk down the street as a couple and not get stared at.



> the bigger reason was the political marriage thing, they'd wanted their son to marry someone of stature, they'd rather die than have my filthy bloodline taint theirs...or something along those lines. yes, they're dead serious. and i mean it, they _would_ literally die, theyre not in very good health atm. having filthy little me in their family is the last thing they need. and i don't really care about that as much as im worried they'll keep blaming my husband for tearing the family apart. dramatic babies are dictating our lives. control freaks doesn't even begin to describe them, Pandakiss. but hey that's our older generation for ya.


That's how my mother-in-law felt about me too, that I'm "pagan" "barbarian" "wild" "unstable" "unreliable", just because of my ethnic background, religion, and even high school results etc - I made her look like an idiot since marriage by proving her and to everyone else they were wrong. We've reconciled now but it took about... 1.5 years.



> and no, my husband's paying for all our expenses AND some of my in-laws'. the only thing they have on him is the guilt card and daaamn they use it well
> 
> wow huge load-off.
> 
> ...


Things do get better, at least in my case - it's been 2 years and there's still issues to iron out when it comes to external pressures but many are over. Focusing internally however is what is required, it's you and him against the world, and it's not impossible to pull off unless you and him start resenting each other due to external problems.


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> I guess the answer to your problem is in the title of your own thread (frustrating, I know!). After all you knew what you were getting into while dating/marrying.
> 
> I am assuming you are Japanese Japanese (very good American English BTW). You seem to be very progressive (because you question the strict dictates of your own culture -- something that I've known very few Japanese women to do).
> 
> ...


naw, as tempted as i am to let on that i'm Japanese, i wouldn't want to give you a false impression on their culture. and however strict their conventions can be, they're pretty admirable ne?
and believe me i'm all for conserving tradition and keeping true to your roots as well. Some families are just to insufferably stubborn! ANY change is bad change and anyone different is not good enough for their own. you just can't use reason with those people.

my husband and i are moving to Japan and raising our kids there, where everyone's well treated and respected. it'll be great for them. so please keep em crossed til then! it is frustrating that it's down to patience, that's why i'm here. i plan on stealing some of yours =3


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Ok...all I can tell you is what you already know...patience. I know that in some countries the arranged marriage has served people very well. In fact, marrying for love (even here) is a relatively new thing (in the last few hundred years or so, I don't remember the stats exactly). Marriage was to secure property, and to ensure that no "undesirables" were admitted to a family. Probably only the lowest of classes married for something other than property reasons, and even at that I'm not so sure it was love.
> There are some kinds of people I wouldn't want my daughters marrying. But if they did, they would have my love and support. As it is I'm not crazy about the man my oldest daughter married, but they have my ONLY grandchild so I keep my big mouth shut. I welcome him and treat him with the respect that is his due as my daughter's husband and the father of my grandchild. It's not easy sometimes, but SHE picked him. So I guess you're just going to have to remain patient. Hard to do, I'm sure. And it doesn't sound like there would be any way to win them over, so you're going to just have to keep doing what you've been doing apparently. Dang, I'm sorry about that.


I totally agree with you on every point and commend you for that. i just wish my inlaws cared about their son the way you care about your daughter, no, they don't hate me because they don't think i'd be a good wife to him, they hate me because i wouldn't make a good obedient little daughter in law for _them_.
and my husband did say having a child would help win them over. seeing as how that's the main reason you're putting up with your son in law, i'm beginning to like the idea 
I swear to God, though, if they didn't want me because i'm not good enough and they had something better planned for him, then i'll be more than glad to step aside. but i know for a fact that i care about my husband more than everyone who knows him put together, and i know what's best for him at least better then they do, or care to. i have my husband's best interest in mind, not how to best cater to his parent's every whim.

i really respect the kind of mother in law you are and i plan on doing exactly the same with our kids. give them the freedom to choose but only with the wisdom to choose _well_!




Blanca said:


> have you guys talked about a specific time when you're going to tell them? if you have a specific time then you might feel better.


won't be more a month, now, if all goes as planned. to be honest, his dad found out 3 days after we got married, he was furious as hell, demanded hysterically that hubs either divorced me or considered himself out of the family, but he did keep it to himself. his mom is still clueless, but sensing. we're hoping to break the not-so-happy news after her recovery so nothing goes HORRIBLY bad...
he'll tell his dad he's sticking with me, and just hope he doesn't have a stroke =D

i dont know if having a specific date is any better though, the dreading is killing me, and its affecting everything else in our life, like it's all on hiatus til this is over with.
the honeymoon every girl dreams of, aint it~


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

Pandakiss said:


> i think you should not worry about what anybody thinks, there will always be nay-sayers any where you go.
> 
> when you tell your love stroy someone will judge your actions good or bad.
> 
> ...


Thanks a lot. i wish i'd get to where you're at soon. in all honestly i couldnt care less what the inlaws think of me, i just wish people would just leave us alone and let us have a life together already. he's a family guy and they're always going to be part of our lives since family means everything to him. he's not guilted into it, he just cares. so i'm going to have a lot of "not caring" to do to stay sane =/


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> Haha forbidden fruit is the sweetest no?
> Seems our circumstances are different yet surprisingly similar.
> 
> On the plus side, at least you two can still walk down the street as a couple and not get stared at.
> ...


ugh, i'd LOVE it if all we had was internal issues. i read some of your threads Dude and i can relate to every single thing you said. it was hard enough reconciling our different ideologies, religions, and convictions and compromising for the sake of staying together. it was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. and now we have to hide so much from people just so our personal living arrangement doesn't disturb their precious moral codes?
what bothers me most is that we're going through all this right now just for his parents' sake, but they'll never get that, they'll still call him a bad son and a disappointment. i'm not the least bit worried about us, nothing will get to us, but i'm HATING how no one sees that he's a great son, a great husband and overall and great human being, and everything else falls under THAT. we're just trying to live the best life for us and our kids and there's no one right way to do that.
time WILL prove everyone wrong, hopefully. but i'm not gonna waste our life waiting for that to happen. that's part of the reason why we're moving away. faaaaar away >=| it'll be just us in our own little world and all our lovely internal issues, the bickering and bantering and everything in between. we'll live happily and peacefully while our families kill each other off lol


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Jaz said:


> naw, as tempted as i am to let on that i'm Japanese, i wouldn't want to give you a false impression on their culture. and however strict their conventions can be, they're pretty admirable ne?
> and believe me i'm all for conserving tradition and keeping true to your roots as well. Some families are just to insufferably stubborn! ANY change is bad change and anyone different is not good enough for their own. you just can't use reason with those people.
> 
> my husband and i are moving to Japan and raising our kids there, where everyone's well treated and respected. it'll be great for them. so please keep em crossed til then! it is frustrating that it's down to patience, that's why i'm here. i plan on stealing some of yours =3


Oh. My husband told me (he is ethnically Indian) a story of once when he was a kid he was told by somebody in a village in India how "white" wives are very bad, selfish etc. He replied: "U-huh, and how many "white" wives have you known?"

In some parts/situations in India it is still socially unacceptable for a husband and wife to walk down a street holding hands. But there are tons of men, friends, who hold hands, hug in public. And they are NOT gay! LOL

It's become my mantra in those "weird cultural difference" situations. Just repeat after me: "It's an Asian thing **breathe in**, it's an Asian thing **breathe out**" LOL


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Although, I have to say that my husband is not one to give in and conform. He would only apply himself to social/cultural norms where it really matters, only where it would benefit him.

If he did that on a normal, day-to-day basis, odds are I would have a huge problem with it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Jaz said:


> ugh, i'd LOVE it if all we had was internal issues. i read some of your threads Dude and i can relate to every single thing you said. it was hard enough reconciling our different ideologies, religions, and convictions and compromising for the sake of staying together. it was one of the hardest things we ever had to do. and now we have to hide so much from people just so our personal living arrangement doesn't disturb their precious moral codes?


Aye, that's actually what made me reply - I can relate to your situation very well.



> what bothers me most is that we're going through all this right now just for his parents' sake, but they'll never get that, they'll still call him a bad son and a disappointment. i'm not the least bit worried about us, nothing will get to us, but i'm HATING how no one sees that he's a great son, a great husband and overall and great human being, and everything else falls under THAT. we're just trying to live the best life for us and our kids and there's no one right way to do that.
> time WILL prove everyone wrong, hopefully. but i'm not gonna waste our life waiting for that to happen. that's part of the reason why we're moving away. faaaaar away >=| it'll be just us in our own little world and all our lovely internal issues, the bickering and bantering and everything in between. we'll live happily and peacefully while our families kill each other off lol


Heh at least you two have agreed with each other that moving is a good choice, I'm currently stuck in this sh-thole with a missus who is determined to stay because she fears change while settling into ******* central. That's the kind of internal issues that are damaging, but at least for you guys - you both can actually agree with each other! heh


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

reachingshore said:


> Oh. My husband told me (he is ethnically Indian) a story of once when he was a kid he was told by somebody in a village in India how "white" wives are very bad, selfish etc. He replied: "U-huh, and how many "white" wives have you known?"
> 
> In some parts/situations in India it is still socially unacceptable for a husband and wife to walk down a street holding hands. But there are tons of men, friends, who hold hands, hug in public. And they are NOT gay! LOL
> 
> It's become my mantra in those "weird cultural difference" situations. Just repeat after me: "It's an Asian thing **breathe in**, it's an Asian thing **breathe out**" LOL


:rofl:
i see guys holding hands and picking up women all the time. Russell Peters knows what he's talking about lol


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

yeah one bright side is we're both on the same page (hell we wrote the book together) but it's rendered moot when society is the only influence dictating our life.
i just want to feel MARRIED to him already. it breaks my heart every time i watch him leave, like this isn't even his home. i broke down one night as he was leaving (couldn't hold it in til after he left as usual) which made him feel even more guilty. he's really amazing, nurturing and always there for me, if not home then online or on the phone. but i can't quite shake off this depression this whole thing's giving me. we're having a hard time accomplishing anything, the apartment's still unfurnished (we moved in 2 months ago), we're way behind in our classes and nothing's getting done because we're using what little time we have together just to enjoy eachother's company or nap together.
maybe it's my pms talking but i'm really tired of missing him so much, even when he's here.

people suck.

randomdude, at least you have all the time in the world to iron things out with your wife, i'm jealous!


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My SO is a nice guy. One of the good ones. I realized long ago that I couldn't have it both ways. If I want him to be there for me, I have to understand that he needs to be there for others (like his mom and stepfather) as well. I want a kind and caring man. I just can't dictate who he's going to be kind and caring to. The saving grace is that he doesn't go overboard. He has limits. But there are no limits for me, seemingly. Thank goodness. 
Oh...I don't accept my SIL just for my grandson's sake. I do it for my own. Even if they had no children. I don't want to alienate my daughter from my life. Purely selfish reasons for accepting him. And he's not a bad man...he's a good father. Could use some work in the "husband" department, but that's not for me to butt in to. 
Just keep hanging in there. I'm surprised your FIL has kept his mouth shut about your marriage. Maybe he's afraid it would kill your MIL? Parents don't live forever, and your H sounds like a good son. Sounds like he's going to be a good husband as well, when he gets a REAL chance to do so.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Love such as this is difficult to break, the missus and I have been through so much it's seemingly impossible to let go, despite our struggles and heartaches against the world due to race, religion, society, culture, stigmas, taboos, random useless crap, not to mention internal issues caused by those; disagreements, fights, arguments, splits, more heartaches etc...

As tough a face as I can pull, I doubt I can ever find myself moving on as we've been through so much only to give up now. We have always managed to find ourselves back together, so I guess this is the light in the end of the tunnel yes? Only problem is that it's a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG f--king tunnel full of frustrations, fights, anger, and heartaches...

But I hope this will encourage you Jaz, the light at the end of the tunnel, yet neither of us has reached it yet, but one day... maybe. After all, what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger.

This thread is about patience, think we both need to learn it.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Jaz said:


> :rofl:
> i see guys holding hands and picking up women all the time. Russell Peters knows what he's talking about lol


I LOVE Russell Peters! LOL

Have you seen some of the routines by Vidur Kapur (Indian British gay guy)?

On Indian Men

On Gay Terrorists and Middle Aged Indian Women


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## Jaz (Dec 29, 2010)

thank you so much for your support, your words mean a lot to me. i found much more than i was looking for coming here =) you guys are all so strong, you should be proud of yourselves.

well i have an update that changes a few things..
yesterday MIL found out that her son is married, while running some paperwork for the family that we didn't anticipate. wasn't the best way for her to find out, but it didn't turn out as bad as we feared.
she was in complete and utter shock, silent and out of character the whole day. FIL acted like he had no idea, of course. (yes, he'd kept it from her for the sake of her health, same as we did)

my husband had a talk with them and worked things out. it went relatively smooth.....at least there wasn't any wailing...or cardiac arrest. he came back home to me with the biggest grin on his face and said "we have their blessings."

so now with the secrecy over, we have one less thing to worry about. this thread is no longer about That kind of patience.

there's so much more i want to write here. i have this overwhelming rage i need to control. when my husband told me that, at the end of their talk, his mom hugged him in tears and told him she was glad that 2 sons of hers are married now, as if she wasn't the one furiously denying us that marriage for 2 f***ing years. she kept asking how he's taking care of things, shocked that he was mature enough to have handled everything on his own. reproached him for leaving me alone in this apartment for so long (W!!! T!!! F?!!!)
my husband was telling me all this with such joy, he loves his mom after all and was relieved to see she's cooperative. I on the other hand was literally boiling with rage, i had trouble breathing. this overwhelming frustration consumed me and he didn't get why.
i know it sounds incredibly selfish and ungrateful of me, but i couldn't help it. his grin didn't last for long, which is breaking my heart.
i just feel that he completely forgot what they've put us through all this time, how we had to get married without our families and loved ones and deal with so much (now pointless) stress and pressure, and left me to handle these emotions by myself...i felt abandoned. cant seem to shake it off.

i have to make him proud today by making a fairly good impression on his folks and win them over, for his sake. but i desperately need to muster up strength i don't have to contain myself around them.
i honestly don't know how to keep a smile on my face and act like everything's okay all of a sudden. it's not okay.

i really hope these feelings subside soon. need to vent and let off some steam.

again, thank you so much for your support. Long tunnel indeed, but we're not alone here =)


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Go ahead and come here and vent...go outside and scream if you must...but keep it together for the sake of your husband. I'm really glad that your MIL knows now. Now you are free to live as a married couple! Just ignore the rest of the stuff going on...maybe she's feeling a little guilty? Even the worst MILs can feel guilt. NOW she wants to be the MIL. Be the gracious DIL here. Grace and dignity can carry someone a loooong way.


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## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

Well, I guess after their initial shock they figured the proverbial milk has already been spilled.. so let's deal with it, right? LOL

I would actually postpone the meeting for 2-3 days, it would give you time to vent.


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## angela85 (Jan 2, 2011)

You are really had the hardest time... Me myseelf i think I can't get enough patience for the situation sorry for giving you such negative vibes.... But I think you are tough because you are still with him. You marry him for the reason you both love each other even there are hindrance in the way but you knew for yourself what you really dealing with and the consequences that may effect for both of you.


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