# Filing for divorce tactic



## sms0422

I have read alot of people's advice to TAM members whose spouse wanted to separate but hasn't filed for the divorce himself/herself. It seems a big portion of members offer the suggestion to hire a lawyer and file divorce yourself, to sort of "shake up" your spouse into making a real decision. Personally, I am unsure how I feel about doing this. 

First of all, I do not want to incur the cost of hiring a lawyer, putting down a retainer agreement and court costs just to scare my husband into (hopefully) reconciling with me. It seems to be a waste of money? 

Secondly, as I do not want the divorce, I feel like I shouldn't be actively seeking to make it happen. 

I was curious as to those TAM members who have been in my shoes and how they handled this tactic?


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## Fordsvt

After I caught my wife's EA we went though hell for a few months. She had all the power and held me emotionally hostage. So she thought. 
Mid November I told her I was out. I needed separation. 
I would give her a fair even uncontested divorce. 
I at that time was doing my MAP and big 180. 
I had three places to move to by this time. 

She saw these were not empty threats and came out of the fog. Asked me to stay and try and work on things. So here we are and I'm still at home. Trying to make things better. It's been slowly getting there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sms0422

Thank you for your response. My husband and I have been living apart for about 4 months now. We still see each other here and there for lunch/dinner and stay in touch via texts. I keep telling myself that if reconciling could happen, it would not happen overnight and I have to be patient. However, part of me wonders if he isn't in any hurry to work on our marriage as he is just enjoying the perks of being single - not having to worry about anyone else but himself for the time being. 

I make it be known to him that I want to save our marriage, however, I do not cry, beg, or plead. I give him his space but I do actively seek out for us to see each other. I do not believe we have a chance on reconciling if we do not communicate.

I do not want to make anymore mistakes. The thought of filing divorce to just try to force his hand, seems pretty drastic to me. And what if it backfires on me? :scratchhead:


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## Fordsvt

If he wants you he will be back. Give it time. Is he seeing other women. Hold off the papers unless he's having an affair. I never got to leave as my wife asked me to stay. It's been good so far and we are trying. She was scared I would not come back. Do you think he will come back. I do if he really loves loves you and wants to work on things


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## toolforgrowth

The fact that you mentioned that you believe he is enjoying the single life tells me everything I would need to know if I were in your shoes. It sounds like he's keeping you around as a backup plan. He has no incentive to work on the marriage if he has no fear of losing you no matter what he does.

If he wants to be single, then let him be single and divorce him. Just because you file doesn't mean you actually have to go through with it, if he comes around. But he has the best of both worlds; he gets to be and act single while his wife waits for him. He has no incentive to work on things. He's totally cake eating. The way I see it, you have the following options:

1) Continue to wait for him to come around indefinitely while he dates other women
2) File for divorce, prepare to move on, and see what happens
3) Begin dating, meet other men, and act single yourself. If it's good enough for him, it's good enough for you

He's not offering any sort of commitment to you, so why should you offer it in return? I'd say it's time for you to begin concentrating on your life and your happiness, and a good part of that is preparing for accepting the fact that your marriage could likely end. If he notices you pulling away, he may come around. Or he may not. Either way, you'll have your answer. 

What you're doing now is not working. So, try something new. Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toolforgrowth

Another thought: don't file for divorce unless you're actually willing to follow through with it. A lot of WS's think their BS is bluffing. This is one of those times where you must have the royal flush if they call your bet.

Are you going to counseling at all? Individual counseling was invaluable for me during my divorce; it gave me the strength to see it through with no regrets. I highly recommend it for you, it'll definitely help break this limbo.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sms0422

Thank you both for your input. As far as I know, my husband isn't dating anyone. Truth be told, my husband did not seem to want to put in the effort to be a full time husband, so I cannot imagine he would run out to do the work of being a full time boyfriend. I think he is just content in only having himself to take care of and not the responsibility of a wife, mortgage, joint bills, etc.

Part of me wants to continue to be patient and allow us both the space and time to think about our marriage and what we both want for our lives and our future. 

I guess I need to have an honest discussion with myself about setting the boundary and time limit that I will continue to "wait" for him  Realistically, I know I cannot go on another 4-6 months in limbo, desperately holding out hope he is going to have the wake up call that our marriage is worth a REAL effort to save. Not just lip service.


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## SadSamIAm

sms0422 said:


> Thank you both for your input. As far as I know, my husband isn't dating anyone. Truth be told, my husband did not seem to want to put in the effort to be a full time husband, so I cannot imagine he would run out to do the work of being a full time boyfriend. I think he is just content in only having himself to take care of and not the responsibility of a wife, mortgage, joint bills, etc.
> 
> Part of me wants to continue to be patient and allow us both the space and time to think about our marriage and what we both want for our lives and our future.
> 
> I guess I need to have an honest discussion with myself about setting the boundary and time limit that I will continue to "wait" for him  Realistically, I know I cannot go on another 4-6 months in limbo, desperately holding out hope he is going to have the wake up call that our marriage is worth a REAL effort to save. Not just lip service.


So he doesn't like the responsiblity of having a wife, a mortgage or joint bills? Why do you want him? 

Doesn't sound like much of a catch. 

I suggest you find someone that might want to share your life with you.


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## toolforgrowth

My XWW had no interest in putting in the effort towards our marriage also. That's because there was a man at her work she wanted to devote her attention to instead. This situation totally smells of an affair to me.

At bare minimum, I would say stop reaching out to him. Don't call or text or plan anything with him. Just quietly fall off the grid. In the meantime, go out with friends and get out of the house and be sociable. It really helped me. If he tries to contact you, don't be so available. Wait a couple hours before responding. Don't bring up your marriage or getting back together or anything. If he tries to make plans, politely tell him you have other plans but maybe next time. Don't go into any detail. A little mystery goes a LONG way. Make him wonder what you're doing. Most importantly, ACT HAPPY. Act happy without him. Act like your life is just grand. Act like you're starting to get the appeal of the single life. Don't show him that you're thinking about him or missing him. Gently and quietly pull away. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sms0422

I am sure I do sound like that pathetic wife, who is desperate to save a marriage with someone who does not deserve her. I DO understand that from an outsider point of view, it may completely unfathomable that I would want to save my marriage with someone who is being incredibly selfish. However, it is not easy to walk away from my husband and our marriage. I deeply love him and those feelings are still very strong. My husband is 10 years older than me and there has been a suspicion in my mind that he is having the mid life crisis talk with himself. 

I personally believe that divorce is the only option after every other effort has been made to save the marriage. I am in counseling - have been since May 2013 - but we have not done marriage counseling. I think he is not secure within himself to actually face the mirror and acknowledge his selfish behavior. Some people aren't strong enough to be accountable for their choices. I am willing to accept my part in allowing our marriage to deteriorate. Unfortunately, I do not think he is ready to do the leg work.

Since our separation 4 months ago, I actively going out with friends, family, hit the gym and getting plenty of "me" time. I am not sitting at home, crying in a bowl of ice cream every night. However, even after attempting to have my own life, I miss my husband and our marriage just as much as I did when we first split.


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## toolforgrowth

Please don't think that we think you're desperate and pathetic. Not even close.  The thing is, your story hits very close to home for me. I totally get missing your husband and wanting your family back. I would just hate to see you miss out on the rest of your life waiting for someone who doesn't want to put in the effort with you. Divorce may be your only option. 

Good for you on going to counseling. Keep that up. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sms0422

I keep telling myself that I need to be patient and the pain I am feeling won't go away magically overnight. You don't wipe away 7 years of a relationship and 4 years of marriage in one swoop. While I can appreciate that sometimes love just isn't enough, sometimes you feel like it is all you have!


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## Stretch

Please understand I am not trying to be cruel. Around here this is a bit of giving you the 2x4.

Have you ever known that men are more confident in their interactions with women when they have a steady relationship?

Look in the mirror, you are the relationship that is giving him confidence with other women.

I want you to protect yourself and give yourself the best chance at R. Right now, it is only a matter of time before you find out about his new relationships. Only a matter of time.

If my STBXW was willing to let me go screw around while going on dates with me with the possibility of a roll in the hay, I would have a hard time not taking the gift.

In other words, stop being his Plan B, his backup plan. Cutoff contact, work on yourself, learn to lookout for numero uno. You do not have to file papers but he is just going to string you along indefinitely until he gets cozy with someone else. (Oh and by the way, if that "relationship" ends, he'll come right back to you to do it all over again)

You are a caring, beautiful person that might save your marriage if you make him admit to what he is losing.

Stretch


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## harrybrown

I hope your H wakes up and realizes what he is about to lose.

Is there a friend, pastor or relative that could give him a wake up call?


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## sms0422

Unfortunately my husband does not really have a "core" of friends here in the USA. He is from England so his family and friends are in England. When he wanted to part company, my husband distanced himself from my family and our mutual friends. I think he was being a coward and did not want to face anyone and admit he was leaving our marriage for no good reason.

He still sees my best friend and her husband time to time as they have become good friends. His position to them was separation was necessary as we were continuing to have the same fights over and over again and something drastic had to happen for us to make lasting change. He reiterated to them that if he was not really interested in reconciling with me, he would have moved back to England already as, again, his family and friends are there. He really has no friends of his own here. 

I have tried to encourage marriage counseling, however, as I believe I mentioned before, I do not think he is willing to own his choices.


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## Fordsvt

He wants to leave the marriage for a reason. You need to find it out. Time to put the investigator hat on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cbnero

I never wanted to file for D. But after a year of being nice and trying to change and do everything, she left anyways. Then came the realization and discovery she had been lying the whole year. 

I am all for standing still, but if you need to protect yourself or your kids from mental, physical, or financial harm then you may have few options. Only you can know when it is truly necessary. But yes you must be prepared to see it through and it is NOT easy. But few things in life are...

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## SpunkySpunky

The thing about this...it shouldn't just be a "tactic"...you should...and you kind of have to really mean it and be ready to go through with it.

My experience: My husband decided to bail after adult married life got too overwhelming for him and we separated.

I did not want a divorce...complete opposite actually...however, he never filed. I waited. and I waited. Finally I was so exhausted mentally, emotionally, and physically...basically anyway I could be exhausted...well, I decided I was done. It had been 8 long months.

It wasn't fair for me to be waiting on him and even though it broke my heart...I still loved him(I didn't know why at the time...but I did, no use to lie about it) I mustered up the courage to fill out my part of the divorce papers.

He came to visit our daughter(infant at the time. yeah.) and I threw the paperwork down in front of him.

I told him that he needed to do his part, I signed my half and he needed to sign his. It was time to move on.

I was ready. I was so sure that he would just fill out his part right then and there and it would be done. I would go file that next day.

Well...something unexpected happened. He started _crying_.
I had only seen that man cry twice for the 5 years I had known him. He literally sobbed. Wanted to reconcile but understood if I wanted to go through with divorce...just apologizing for everything...on his knees.

Seeing the divorce papers in the flesh, right in front of him, with my signature on it, scared him. Bonked him right out of his selfish "fog" or whatever you want to call it.



Of course I took him back...but it''s been hard. It has now been a year since we have reconciled and it hasn't been easy. But he knows that I am strong enough to go through with divorce if he ever mistreats me like that ever again. It's almost like he gained a new respect for me. In a funny way...our separation helped our marriage become more mature and a little stronger.














Even though there are stories of this "tactic" working...you have to be ready for whatever outcome. Sometimes...the wayward spouse just doesn't come back. And most likely, for the BETTER. So if you do file/fill out paperwork/hire a lawyer, etc, you better be prepared to go all the way with it. In my opinion, you should never file if you really aren't ready.


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## Fordsvt

Wow that is a great story. Glad to see you are giving it one last try. Many give up way too easy. I hope it works out for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Heartbroken84

SMS we are in very similar situations, I've decided to go and seek legal advice but not file yet, just to see if it makes him realise I'm serious about not being his plan B - I don't want a divorce, he's also said at the moment neither does he, yet he's unwilling to commit to working on our marriage either.... Tough situation.

Did you decide how to move forwards?


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