# Blended families



## Confused8 (Mar 16, 2016)

Whose first, child or second husband?
Can they both be your priority equally?
How to deal with husband's jealousy of the mother and son bond?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

We really need more context but...

Generally, regardless of family of origin or step/blended family, I think the spouse comes first then the children.

This isn't to say that you neglect your children, and obviously children's needs come first, but their wants shouldn't always, no.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Weirdo?


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*God deems loyalty to a spouse, first and foremost. 

A parents obligation to meet the "needs" of his very own children or stepchildren, is also prioritized; but their "wants or desires" are clearly secondary, even if extended to them! 

And if they subsequently abuse or disrespect even their biological parent, then there is a firm and implied duty to honor your spouse first by non-physically sanctioning them for their abhorrent behavior toward them!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

The marriage should come first. It provides the foundation to give the kids what they need. 
The issue with the mother/son bond could be different though. My BIL is a stay at home, unemployed, 35 year old mama's boy. MIL thinks they are"close" and have a great "bond", FIL doesn't agree. It's funny how points of view can be so different. So o guess how to deal with it depends on the specifics.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

My husband and I both believe that the children's needs come first. This seems to be a controversial topic among parents, though, according to what I have found from googling it.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Equity is the most important thing in blended families (I am in one with 5 kids, 3 mine, 2 his). 

The dynamic of a blended family is different to that of the primary family. The children have come from divorce and as such need support and to know they are extremely important. IMHO it is foolish for parents to put their bio children's needs behind their new spouses needs.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is something that I wrestled with often as a single parent. I have had 3 GF since my divorce of 5 years. My current is a live in and we have been together 2.5 years. I have my kids 1/2 time she has sole custody of hers. What we both agree to is that it is the same level of priority between the relationship and the kids, and with a little discussion it's not that hard. So for an example if we were going out to eat and my kids wanted to go one place and my GF another we will likely just take turns and go one place one night and the other a different time. Last year my Gf wanted us to go to Disney and I didn't. My kids and I had just been there and I don't enjoy it. I wanted to go on a cruise. So we agreed to go to Disney last year and next week will be on a cruise.

Guess my point is it's all about compromise. Some women, and some men I'm sure, have a notion that the kids always come first in all things and everything. When I see that written in a profile it's an immediate turn off and NEXT! I think what people should strive for is making sure the NEEDS of the kids come first not the WANTS of the kids.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

OP-

I responded to your other thread. 

My advice is to not think about it in such black and white terms as husband vs. son. But rather, discuss and decide what is the right balance. Good communication honors all parties involved. Understand your husband's point of view and advocate for what you need. 

You have a bigger issue with the charges on your husband (unclear on whether they were truly warranted or reactionary between you two). If he was abusive in any way....please take care of yourself and your son's safety.


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## Confused8 (Mar 16, 2016)

Thank cons, I saw your reply. It has been very frustrating spinning this in my head. I figured if I simplify it and go back to basics, it might work.

I have tried to explain my situation to my husband as well as understand the dynamics of his past which leads him to feel the need to come first in everything or more like wanting to have me all to himself.

My son has never caused any problems nor is he spoiled. The issue is my husband reacts anytime my son is affectionate with me (similar to a teenager making faces or having a smart mouth). It seems he has a problem with me and my relationship with my son. But it's okay if my husband provides for my son, just not me.

Regarding the case, during a heated argument, my husband slapped me for the first time, then I acted in self defense. After the turmoil, he denied slapping me and stated I attacked him. He made a video tape of me as he kept coming back into the room and I continued at him because he was provoking me and I was defending my space. An appology would have been enough. But instead he'd rather acuse me and try to frame me with the cops which scared me on how his brain works.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Confused8 said:


> Thank cons, I saw your reply. It has been very frustrating spinning this in my head. I figured if I simplify it and go back to basics, it might work.
> 
> I have tried to explain my situation to my husband as well as understand the dynamics of his past which leads him to feel the need to come first in everything or more like wanting to have me all to himself.
> 
> ...


No violence, OP. You cannot respond with violence.


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## Confused8 (Mar 16, 2016)

jld said:


> No violence, OP. You cannot respond with violence.


It was a knee jerk reaction that I realize is not right. I am working on it. And my son was not a witness to any of this.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Confused8 said:


> It was a knee jerk reaction that I realize is not right. I am working on it. And my son was not a witness to any of this.


What made him decide to slap you?


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## Confused8 (Mar 16, 2016)

Kivlor said:


> What made him decide to slap you?


We were arguing back and forth. Finally, I said that I obviously cannot provide him what he needs, because I have a son. That maybe it is best that he find someone else who could give him his needs, and I would do the same. He got up, threw and broke the remote control, and headed for me in a flash. I didn't see it coming.


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

Confused8 said:


> We were arguing back and forth. Finally, I said that I obviously cannot provide him what he needs, because I have a son. That maybe it is best that he find someone else who could give him his needs, and I would do the same. He got up, threw and broke the remote control, and headed for me in a flash. I didn't see it coming.


1. Don't say things like that, you're trying to exacerbate the situation. Needling is always a bad idea when tensions are high.
2. He needs some tremendous anger management _if you're going to stay together_.
3. Marriage Counseling for the both of you. And probably some lessons in conflict resolution.
4. Don't frame things in your mind as "my son or my husband" that's not good for anyone. Someone always loses in that contest.
5. Divorce may be your better option.


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## 2&out (Apr 16, 2015)

Without question the biggest mistake and regret of my life is putting my second spouse wants and needs before my children's. Huge huge mistake and shame that I will shoulder the rest of my life. Kids first !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Blended families are tough to make work. Both spouses will tend to take their kids side over their spouse or the spouse's kid(s). I think the parents instively feel they have to protect them from the non blood parent. It's bad enough the kids went though the trauma of divorce but to be put at risk causes hyper sensitivity to their kids needs over their new spouse. 

Step mothers have been known to be very nasty to their step kids, when the husband is not around. As for men, studies have shown that kids with a stepdad or a mother with a live in boyfriend, have a MUCH higher chance of abuse. In many species, the male will kill the offspring of the prior mate when he takes the female. 

We're supposed to be intelligent beings, but there are a lot of things we do that we don't understand why we do them, They're actions and feelings that are baked into our psych over thousands of years of evolution.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> My husband and I both believe that the children's needs come first. This seems to be a controversial topic among parents, though, according to what I have found from googling it.


No one's disagreeing with that, childrens NEEDS should always come first. But their wants shouldn't, necessarily - again, it depends on the circumstances.

I believe that the greatest gift we can give our children is a solid home base. The marriage should absolutely be a priority, just as much as the children.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think what people should strive for is making sure the NEEDS of the kids come first not the WANTS of the kids.


100% agree.



Confused8 said:


> We were arguing back and forth. Finally, I said that I obviously cannot provide him what he needs, because I have a son. That maybe it is best that he find someone else who could give him his needs, and I would do the same. He got up, threw and broke the remote control, and headed for me in a flash. I didn't see it coming.


Whoa...OP I'm not a poster who will leap right in and tell someone to end their marriage, but violence is a game changer...there's a line that you don't cross and that's it...



jsmart said:


> Step mothers have been known to be very nasty to their step kids, when the husband is not around. As for men, studies have shown that kids with a stepdad or a mother with a live in boyfriend, have a MUCH higher chance of abuse.


I'm a stepmum and I REALLY resent that comment. I know a little boy at the moment, who's mother has had him put on PROZAC ffs, he's only 7 years old!! And the worst part of all this, is she refuses to send it with him to his dad's house when he goes there for 4 days. So this poor little boy is going through with withdrawal from hard core medication every other week. His dad and stepmum noticed that his behaviour has deteriorated over the last 3 months, and now they know why.

Dad has taken his son to the doctor for a script for continuity's sake, and is also organising an emergency court hearing to get full custody and slowly wean his son off the meds. 

Parents from all walks of life can be cruel to their children, NOT just stepparents.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Totally agree Frusdil about the "nasty SM" comments. Bio parents can be horrible to their own children. The nasty SM comments are just another way to put women down.

I am a great SM, I stand back and let my partner be their parent, I am the bonus adult in their lives. I had wonderful step parents and learnt from them about the boundaries of being a step parent.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Holland said:


> Totally agree Frusdil about the "nasty SM" comments. Bio parents can be horrible to their own children. The nasty SM comments are just another way to put women down.
> 
> I am a great SM, I stand back and let my partner be their parent, I am the bonus adult in their lives. I had wonderful step parents and learnt from them about the boundaries of being a step parent.


Agreed.

I do parent my stepdaughter, but I came into her life when she was young AND I have the ok and blessing of BOTH of her parents to do this. I don't pretend to be her mum, she calls me by my first name, but she knows I love her to to the moon and back and would do anything for her...absolutely anything. She trusts me, and comes to me with things which is a huge privilege.

I'm a great stepmum, and a proud one. Of course it helps that I have the coolest, bestest, most awesome daughter in the history of the world


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

OP, you are getting some good advice and some really bad advice on this forum. If I had taken some of the advice given to you about putting the kids first above my spouse, I would not be happily married today with great children relationships had I put any of the kids first in my marriage...tried that and it nearly ruined the marriage and the kids. Read my "hitting bottom story" here and see the result:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...fe-can-no-longer-cope-my-kids.html?highlight=

But, you opened up a huge issue that completely overshadows your original post. You cannot be in a physically abusive relationship...period. Once that boundary has been crossed, it is forever breached and will become more and more prevalent in the future.

You have to end the relationship and end it now.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Slapping is never okay. Not for any reason. OP, your husband has crossed the line and opened the doors of physical abuse in the marriage. Once those doors open, they rarely close. I suggest you consider divorce. If he ever hits you again, don't hit back, call the police.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Agreed.
> 
> I do parent my stepdaughter, but I came into her life when she was young AND I have the ok and blessing of BOTH of her parents to do this. I don't pretend to be her mum, she calls me by my first name, but she knows I love her to to the moon and back and would do anything for her...absolutely anything. She trusts me, and comes to me with things which is a huge privilege.
> 
> I'm a great stepmum, and a proud one. Of course it helps that I have the coolest, bestest, most awesome daughter in the history of the world


I'm glad to hear so many positives about you ladies being step parents. The lack of parenting for each of our "other kids" has put s big gap between us. To the point I would t marry my Gf or consider it until we were empty nesters and would no longer fill that roll. I kinda thought our situation was normal but I can see it isn't and find that encouraging. Thanks for the perspective.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I'm glad to hear so many positives about you ladies being step parents. The lack of parenting for each of our "other kids" has put s big gap between us. To the point I would t marry my Gf or consider it until we were empty nesters and would no longer fill that roll. I kinda thought our situation was normal but I can see it isn't and find that encouraging. Thanks for the perspective.


You have a very healthy and realistic view on your relationship. You recognize and understand the incredible rift that "non-parenting" the nonbiological children places on the relationship.

I completely agree that if you cannot get beyond that as an issue, then you should not get married. Better to live an unwedded life together without the strain of marriage or unmet expectations than to live treating each other less than you desire to be treated.

Blended family issues are incredibly difficult. I'm not sure that those issues are totally understandable until you've faced them. But, here are some things to discuss that I think would help families "blend" more easily:

(1) Set the ground rules of the marriage before getting married. Define the expectations and roles of the parents dealing with the others' children.

(2) Understand and discuss parenting styles and methods. Are you a "helicopter" parent, "laissez faire" parent or somewhere in the middle? 

(3) What are your views on discipline? Who will mete out the punishment?

(4) Who comes first in the marriage...the spouse or the kids?

(5) Be honest in this discussion because it will be devastating to the other if you aren't. If you say that you are in favor of corporal punishment, but in reality not with "my kids" that will cripple the marriage.

I wish that we had better discussions about these things before we married. We could have avoided many of the disasterous problems we faced had we done so. When you are pulling the opposite directions from each other trying to achieve a common goal, it is a futile effort (and emotionally exhausting).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I'm glad to hear so many positives about you ladies being step parents. The lack of parenting for each of our "other kids" has put s big gap between us. To the point I would t marry my Gf or consider it until we were empty nesters and would no longer fill that roll. I kinda thought our situation was normal but I can see it isn't and find that encouraging. Thanks for the perspective.


You're very wise to be cautious. Every couple and blended family is different. What works for one won't necessarily work for another, but there is one golden rule that must be followed in every situation and that is one set of rules for ALL the kids. Anything else just causes way too much conflict.


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