# What kind of secrets are ok?



## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Hi All. So I had a really bad night last night and I have been thinking about it the whole day. Now that my son is finally asleep, (THANK GOD), I kind of want to vent/seek advice or ideas from you fine folks. It might get kind of long, but I will try to keep it shorter. I am a talker.

Back story so you don't have to go read other threads: Husband and I married just over one year now, dated one year before that, I am 30, he is 27, and we have an almost 3 month old son. We have a good relationship, great sex which is starting to get back on track after baby, and no tough problems that I was aware of. We do live overseas which is hard, but we are positive people and see that it is only temporary.

The problem: Some nights when my hubby gets off work, we go to a local park and drink tea, chat, watch the baby, etc. It's one of the things I have enjoyed the most about my time off of work this summer. We usually spend a couple of hours and then come home. Well last night my husband called before coming home and asked if I would like to go out to the park. Of course, I was excited.

We got to the park, chatted a little, but my husband was weird. He was super quiet in comparison to normal, not really giving any details about anything, and honestly I could tell he wasn't interested in talking. Then he asks me, "Honey, have you ever had to discipline yourself not to do something?" I said, "No, I don't have any major bad habits except like biting my nails." 

He stopped talking after my response even when I questioned him a little more about why he asked. When we got home, I was taking care of our son and he started crying. Not a normal cry, like really crying hard. He hugged me, and seriously he squeezed me so tight at one point I couldn't breathe. I asked him what was wrong, why was he so upset.

He wouldn't tell me anything. After he calmed down, he went straight to bed and slept. I am SO WORRIED. I have thought about it all day and I just can't figure out what is bothering him so much. Does he have a bad habit? Why isn't he telling me? Do spouses often keep things from one another that is so emotionally hard on them? Maybe because I am a talker and I can't keep my mouth shut if I feel bad I just can't relate. Should I ask him tonight when he gets home what is the deal? Or should I wait for him to tell me? I don't think I can wait. What if he won't tell me? UGH. I am about to go nuts!


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## Trader1 (Oct 27, 2013)

Any chance he might want to come out of the closet?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, considering how hard he was crying, it's likely something pretty significant. He apparently lost his nerve after he started crying and couldn't tell you. Definitely ask him. He may have had second thoughts about telling you and try to brush it off. Be prepared.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *inquizitivemind said*: but my husband was weird. He was super quiet in comparison to normal, not really giving any details about anything, and honestly I could tell he wasn't interested in talking. Then he asks me, "*Honey, have you ever had to discipline yourself not to do something?*" I said, "No, I don't have any major bad habits except like biting my nails."
> 
> He stopped talking after my response even when I questioned him a little more about why he asked. When we got home, I was taking care of our son *and he started crying. Not a normal cry, like really crying hard. He hugged me, and seriously he squeezed me so tight at one point I couldn't breathe. I asked him what was wrong, why was he so upset.*
> 
> He wouldn't tell me anything. After he calmed down, he went straight to bed and slept.


A man crying like that.. clutching you ...looking at his son... not letting go...I am thinking he did something (or ALMOST) he is feeling SICK about.... his conscience is screaming.. he hates himself for it- not having that control / discipline (??)....but he can't tell you.. It will have high impact...I am not thinking good things here.. but I hope I'm wrong!! 

Have you EVER seen him get *this emotional* over anything in the past?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

The thread title is completely inappropriate.

This isn't about what sort of secrets are ok.

Your husband has a major issue that he is about to share with you that will probably affect you for the rest of your life. 

It could be anything from drug abuse to homosexuality to an affair to committing a major crime. 

None of which are "ok secrets"


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> Hi All. So I had a really bad night last night and I have been thinking about it the whole day. Now that my son is finally asleep, (THANK GOD), I kind of want to vent/seek advice or ideas from you fine folks. It might get kind of long, but I will try to keep it shorter. I am a talker.
> 
> Back story so you don't have to go read other threads: Husband and I married just over one year now, dated one year before that, I am 30, he is 27, and we have an almost 3 month old son. We have a good relationship, great sex which is starting to get back on track after baby, and no tough problems that I was aware of. We do live overseas which is hard, but we are positive people and see that it is only temporary.
> 
> ...


You didnt intrepret his question correctly. He wasnt talking about bad habits at all or biting nails. Your answer gave an illusion to him that are perfect, you always make the right choice without questioning yourself. 

You didnt expect a question like that so its easy to understand the response but he has something serious to talk about and now will be very apprehenisve to talk.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

I read the back posts. He's been distancing himself, during the pregnancy, your appearance changed.. you haven't been looking like the woman he married..

He strayed. He's going to tell you that it was a weak moment, he had been drinking, it was a one night stand, it meant nothing and he's going to beg you for forgiveness.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Trader1 said:


> Any chance he might want to come out of the closet?


I don't think so. Our sex life is really great again. The past two weeks have been particularly good.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> A man crying like that.. clutching you ...looking at his son... not letting go...I am thinking he did something (or ALMOST) he is feeling SICK about.... his conscience is screaming.. he hates himself for it- not having that control / discipline (??)....but he can't tell you.. It will have high impact...I am not thinking good things here.. but I hope I'm wrong!!
> 
> Have you EVER seen him get *this emotional* over anything in the past?


No, I have NEVER seen him get this emotional. That is why I was so shocked. I had the same thoughts that he has done something really bad.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

honcho said:


> You didnt intrepret his question correctly. He wasnt talking about bad habits at all or biting nails. Your answer gave an illusion to him that are perfect, you always make the right choice without questioning yourself.
> 
> You didnt expect a question like that so its easy to understand the response but he has something serious to talk about and now will be very apprehenisve to talk.


Actually, this brings up a good point that I hadn't really thought of. My husband often tells me that I am a good girl. What is funny is I have been divorced and lived a pretty bad lifestyle before and this was his first marriage. I didn't think about his question meaning anything significant because I didn't know anything was up.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

lenzi said:


> I read the back posts. He's been distancing himself, during the pregnancy, your appearance changed.. you haven't been looking like the woman he married..
> 
> He strayed. He's going to tell you that it was a weak moment, he had been drinking, it was a one night stand, it meant nothing and he's going to beg you for forgiveness.


Unless he is not working as often as he said, I don't know when he would have time for an affair. And yes, we had some connection issues for about five months because I was pregnant and then had our son. Our sex life though has gone back to like before the past two weeks. I have been feeling much better.

I hope you are wrong. I won't say that anything is not possible. I just don't know what to do if he won't talk to me. I am about to go crazy!


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

This is why the unknown is worse then anything reality can through out you.... Affair? Gay? Lost his job? Facing arrest for a crime? The only way to put your mind to ease is to talk to him and get the truth. Sound to me like he wanted to tell you....


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> I don't think so. Our sex life is really great again. The past two weeks have been particularly good.


So how long was the sex life not so good? Did he pull away from you, you pull away from him or just a mutual thing? Without jumping to major conclusions, I'd focus on the time period when the sex life suffered and see if any other activities coincide with this time period, like porn use or an affair.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

waylan said:


> This is why the unknown is worse then anything reality can through out you.... Affair? Gay? Lost his job? Facing arrest for a crime? The only way to put your mind to ease is to talk to him and get the truth. Sound to me like he wanted to tell you....


I would just blatantly ask him... "Is it one of these things? Affair? Gay? A crime? Lost your job? Drugs?" 

Tell him that you are a team, and you will try to work out whatever it is.


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

He seems to regret whatever it is that he wasn't able to stop himself from doing. I would have to come right out and ask him to be completely honest with you. Good luck and keep us posted!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> Unless he is not working as often as he said, I don't know when he would have time for an affair.


If he's having an affair, it naturally follows that he's not working as much as he says he is. 



SunnyT said:


> I would just blatantly ask him... "Is it one of these things? Affair? Gay? A crime? Lost your job? Drugs?"
> 
> Tell him that you are a team, and you will try to work out whatever it is.


Right. Do this. And make sure he knows beyond the shadow of a doubt that any of those things can and will be forgiven. Even if you plan to throw him out of the house and file for divorce.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm hoping for the best for you but I suspect this is going to be devastating.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Well following everybody's advice I did confront him about it. I started by saying that I was really sorry he was struggling with something and I felt like he needed to share it with me. That we are a team and we can get through things together better than alone. I thought he was going to tell me. NO. He just say, "It is something in my mind that bothers me and nags at me. It's just in my mind and it's better if you didn't know." He was on the verge of tears again so I didn't push it, but needless to say I was so much more frustrated. 

What is it? I feel like he doesn't trust me enough to tell me. Like he is hiding something from me. I am very angry right now. If you aren't going to tell somebody, then don't freak out in front of them. He has me all worried and now won't talk. What a bunch of BS. Sorry, just really angry and frustrated.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Confronted him again when he came home to eat lunch. This is exactly what I said. "Babe, you know I feel upset when you keep something from me that is bothering you so terribly bad. Because we are so close, we can't keep things from each other. I promise I am just going to listen. Just telling me or saying it out loud could lift a big burden off of you." 

He looked at me. Got up, walked into the kitchen, came back to the living room and then said, "Well, it is really just something in my mind that is bothering me. I can handle it on my own. Don't you worry. Everything is perfectly fine. I just got tired last night and it upset me. I will be back to normal in no time."

What? I was speechless, which is odd for me. How can somebody be so distraught, then the next minute turn it around and be fine? He is actually texting me from work right now. Joking around. I am at a loss. What the hell is going on?!


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Has he been to the doctor lately?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Don't you just hate cliffhangers? He had no business opening his mouth in the first place if he wasn't going to tell you. Tell him it's mean of him and to spit it out.

Drama queens - gag.

eta: To answer your question, the only secrets that are ok in a marriage involve gifts.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He thought he could tell you but when he started to then he discovered he couldn't. It could be anything but whatever it is, he's not comfortable discussing it. He's joking around in his texts now so you won't think it was serious.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Sorry, but this "no talking" stuff wouldn't fly with me in my marriage. If my H breaks down crying in front of me, hugging me, and freaking out. He will tell me what is wrong because I will nag him until he does. 

That's just me though. You can't say things like that and expect me to sleep, eat, or think about anything else. There is no way I would still be waiting. As long as he is keeping something like this from you, you cannot work on, help fix, or help him through the problem. It can turn into a big problem down the road.

You can't force him to talk, but you can make sure he knows how upset you are about it.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Sorry, but this "no talking" stuff wouldn't fly with me in my marriage. If my H breaks down crying in front of me, hugging me, and freaking out. He will tell me what is wrong because I will nag him until he does.
> 
> That's just me though. You can't say things like that and expect me to sleep, eat, or think about anything else. There is no way I would still be waiting. As long as he is keeping something like this from you, you cannot work on, help fix, or help him through the problem. It can turn into a big problem down the road.
> 
> You can't force him to talk, but you can make sure he knows how upset you are about it.


I feel like this is how I am now. I usually don't like to keep nagging, but I feel this is important enough to warrant a nag. I am going to keep pushing. Hopefully, he give me something. It's really bothering me.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> I feel like this is how I am now. I usually don't like to keep nagging, but I feel this is important enough to warrant a nag. I am going to keep pushing. Hopefully, he give me something. It's really bothering me.


I really hope he does tell you. This way, you can at least have a hand in helping solve whatever issue it is. He is obviously hurting to tell someone. It's eating at him enough to where he's freaked out. You're his wife and you're rightfully concerned. I really do hope you guys can work whatever it is out.


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## firebelly1 (Jul 9, 2013)

It's possible that he has a fetish or sexual fantasy that he's ashamed of...but I think you're on the right track. You have to insist that he tell you. And...make it REALLY clear that WHATEVER it is...you will not judge him for it. He has to feel safe to tell you.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
Don't just interpret this as something that is his fault. Maybe he was abused by a family member and has been thinking about telling someone. Maybe he knows something that someone else did wrong and he is torn between loyalty and wanting to do the "right" thing.

If you want him to tell you, then he needs to think that you will not be judgmental. That means that you really do need to be non-judgmental. 

Lets say he is attracted to someone at work, but hasn't acted on that attraction. Could you accept that and be happy for his self control rather than angry because of his interest? Same for an addition that he has under control. If he is struggling with something, can you be on his side in that struggle?


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

The first thing I thought of was that he was/is considering suicide. I hope that's not it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I think first and foremost you need to be supportive. Hear him out, listen and relate. Basically create environment for him to be able to share ANYTHING.

Clearly, you are not there yet. Your worries only confirm that.

As for your thread questions. And the reason why he is not telling you. You should've really been able to relate to him a bit more. Really? You NEVER have anything come to your mind that is disturbing etc? You really kind of ignored his question and starting digging at him. Not cool.

Personally, I think there are things that come to people's mind that should not be shared. Happens to me all the time. From dreaming about inappropriate things to natural thoughts when I see a really hot woman......I have countless examples.

Bottom line, the thoughts themselves are IRRELEVANT. What you and your husband do with those thoughts is what matters. This when mind control comes into play and something you need to be able to relate to him about. I'm not saying tell him these things in detail.....you get the point.

Do NOT assume ANYTHING. It can be something very little/simple or huge. YOU DON'T KNOW.

I would drop this subject for a week or so and get a feel for it in time.

Fact that you guys both are in honeymoon phase still, is VERY concerning. Right around this time is when reality will kick in, I just your feelings remain. This is the time when most couples make or break/find out the reality.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

firebelly1 said:


> It's possible that he has a fetish or sexual fantasy that he's ashamed of...but I think you're on the right track. You have to insist that he tell you. And...make it REALLY clear that WHATEVER it is...you will not judge him for it. He has to feel safe to tell you.





richardsharpe said:


> Good evening
> Don't just interpret this as something that is his fault. Maybe he was abused by a family member and has been thinking about telling someone. Maybe he knows something that someone else did wrong and he is torn between loyalty and wanting to do the "right" thing.
> 
> If you want him to tell you, then he needs to think that you will not be judgmental. That means that you really do need to be non-judgmental.
> ...


Both of these are posts are great. Agreed

I think OP should tell him something that came to her mind that might be inappropriate but she deflected/did a good job with (something along the line). Again, not TOO much detail. He does NOT want to know or hear that you were in a gang bang in your dream. But natural attraction towards someone and ignoring that person/staying away from him and exercising self control are all things that you should be able to talk to him about and share.

I know you guys are still rather young, so I'm not sure if maturity level is there to discuss these things yet. I know when I was in my 20s it wouldn't go over well with me OR wife.

Good luck


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## Chandla (Aug 13, 2014)

Drug addiction, alcohol addiction, pedophile, porn addict, embezzling, cheating, shoplifting...

Just how horrific does a 'drive' need to be that a man clutches at his wife like grim death, sobbing like a 5 year old girl and then after repeated begging, still won't tell his spouse?

I'm never much for ultimatums, but he needs one. He either gets real honest real fast, or he gets real gone until he can be honest with you.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Perhaps he needs the security of a 3rd party, such as an MC.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Chandla said:


> Drug addiction, alcohol addiction, pedophile, porn addict, embezzling, cheating, shoplifting...
> 
> Just how horrific does a 'drive' need to be that a man clutches at his wife like grim death, sobbing like a 5 year old girl and then after repeated begging, still won't tell his spouse?
> 
> I'm never much for ultimatums, but he needs one. He either gets real honest real fast, or he gets real gone until he can be honest with you.


I totally agree.

It would be totally out of character if my husband did what you described. It would scare the heck out of me and I wouldn't let it alone until I got answers.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I'd have to sit him down and tell him that his sobbing had convinced me he had something really big and bad on his mind and that he had to tell me what it is because I'm now imagining affairs, financial fraud, murders, and secret homosexuality. And because I cannot discipline myself to not worry about it after he cried and cried and cried, it's time for him to get it off his chest otherwise I wouldn't be able to trust that he isn't hiding a gay lover.

My guess: porn addiction he developed while you were pregnant, and he doesn't want to say because he'd have to admit he didn't find you attractive during pregnancy. Or a crush on another woman, for the same reason.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Well earlier today I lost control. I was trying to play it cool. Being really open with him in our lunch discussion that I was so excited to start work again. And as some people had mentioned I brought up that I had thought of an answer to his previous questions about having to discipline yourself.

I basically told him that I once had an addiction to porn when I was in college. He was shocked, but he listened intently and I think it really helped him see that I in no way see myself as being perfect. He always say that I am a goody good girl, but I think I let him know that yes, I try to be good, but I have had my share of problems in the past. I told him that I had to quit it cold turkey, and it was the hardest thing in my life to get over.

I am mature enough to know that my husband is not only just attracted to me. He is a human being, and we all get attracted to others of the opposite sex. I trust him because we are transparent in that we show each other our laptops and phones freely, never hiding.

I wanted to know because he scared me. And so, after I told him my big confession of addiction, he got quiet. I thought he would open up more, but he didn't. I waited to. Well, I lost it eventually because I couldn't wait. I was really upset, crying. I told him just what I was feeling. Scared. Horrified. Uncomfortable. Uneasy....This is what he finally said.

He said that he is overwhelmed. We just got married a year ago. We were living in his country close to his family. We now are living overseas and have a baby. He said he has never had the responsibility that he has now and sometimes he feels like he can't breathe from it. He said his manager is breathing down his neck all the time to make more sales and it has been really adding stress.

I listened without saying anything. Once he finished, I asked if there was something I could do to help him not be so stressed. He couldn't think of anything because he said I am doing such a good job with the baby. I asked him if he felt better after telling me how he was feeling. He said, well, I left out something. My heart sank. I am fearing something big. And it kind of was, although I am still unsure how to take it.

He said somedays he wants to get in the car and just drive off. Not come back. Just start over and be like he was before. He said he doesn't handle the stress well now and he has been fighting with himself everyday. I couldn't help but tear up as he talked and he couldn't either. He told me he has been crying at work in the bathroom because he is so overwhelmed. This is not normal for my husband as he is usually a pretty laid back guy.

I didn't want to add to his stress so I just told him that I am here for him if he needs to vent or whatever. I also offered to do a few more things around the house that he had been helping me with. I don't know how he is feeling after our talk, but I will see him when he gets home from work later on.

Is this normal how he feels? I don't doubt he loves me because as I have previously stated our sex life has been really good lately since having the baby and he is really affectionate still, tells me nice things. I just hate it. I cried after he went to sleep last night. I feel like I am a burden to him and I am not sure how to change that.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

It seems he loves you, although dear OP, don't equate sex frequency with amount of love. 

Work is a big part of being a man, supporting his family, taking care of things. Many of us guys were raised to believe that from a very young age. When we start to feel crushed by it, or that we might lose it, it hits us in our concept of ourselves as a man, as a success, as a provider. 

It sounds like he loves his family, he's scared of his job and position, and he worries you will see him as a lesser person, a lesser man, somehow, if this struggle at work overcomes him. 

Many work places have confidential counseling available, can he take advantage of that? Does he have some vacation time, so he can maybe decompress? 

Of the guys posting on here, if you've ever been laid off or fired, you kinda know how this guy feels, right? That's the impression I'm getting from his feedback to you. 

I'm glad you finally got this out of him. I was imagining all sorts of worse things, and apparently so were others here.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

A couple of thoughts come to mind.

First, he may be on the edge of, or in, a depression. It is time to make sure his general lifestyle is healthy. He should be eating healthfully, exercising frequently, and getting good sleep. With all the pressures of work and the baby, he may be neglecting himself. Make sure he is getting a healthy diet. Cut out the junk foods, fast foods, and sugars. Keep caffeine and alcohol to an absolute minimum. Encourage him to get exercise, even if it is only walking daily. If he is healthy enough for strenuous exercise, encourage him to lift weights, ride a bicycle, etc. regularly.

Be sure he knows that you value him still, and as more than just a paycheck. He needs some verbal feedback. Some praise, some compliments. He needs you to still be his girlfriend! So be sure to have alone time with him daily. Turn off the tv! Go on a date every week without the baby.

A strong marriage is the bedrock of a strong family. Neglecting your husband will make your marriage go away. Many couples fall into this trap when they have kids.

A good book which may help him is "The Mood Cure", which has many suggestions for natural supplements to combat depression, anxiety, stress, sugar and caffeine cravings, etc. Most of these are short term and cheap supplements, and they are quite safe (just check carefully if he is on any Rx meds).


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

doubletrouble said:


> It seems he loves you, although dear OP, don't equate sex frequency with amount of love.
> 
> Work is a big part of being a man, supporting his family, taking care of things. Many of us guys were raised to believe that from a very young age. When we start to feel crushed by it, or that we might lose it, it hits us in our concept of ourselves as a man, as a success, as a provider.
> 
> ...


And so was I..I am glad to have your insight. I am hoping that after he is done with this contract in December that his next post is easier on him. He got stuck at a pharmacy that is just overwhelmingly stressful. I doubt they have any kind of counseling here as we are in a country that's mental health is way behind.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Ahh, so it's hit him that he's a husband and a dad and the responsibility is weighing heavy on him, especially since his job is so stressful.

Health, good eating, stress relief and sleep are the basics you and he can work on together to help make sure an illness or worse doesn't get the best of him now. Stress is a major health factor, and he's gone through a lot of change in the time you've been married.

Go for walks together with the baby if you can, and make sure he has some free time where he can go bike riding or to a gym or jogging. I know it's hard to squeeze that in, but hard exercise can really help in relieving stress.

Otherwise, be a supportive wife as much as possible. Compliment him often, make sure he knows how much you appreciate all that he is doing for the family, treat him with kindness and caring. It will help him feel he has a soft place to land at home when work is driving him crazy.

And maybe start thinking about the future together. Is it possible that one day you might also get a job, once the baby is older, so that you can take some of the financial burden from him? Just knowing that you are willing to pitch in will help ease his mind.  

Are there ways you can take a look at your family budget and make sure you are doing everything you can to stretch your income so that you can contribute to a savings account? Even an extra $20 a week into savings can add up nicely over time. Having a nice healthy balance in your savings account can relieve a LOT of stress, because he'll know that he can pay the bills for 6 months to a year in case of unemployment.

Can you do things like lowering your electric bill, growing some vegetables to cut down on grocery bills, dropping to a more basic cable package (if you have it), etc.? Are you involved with other mothers who have small children to trade free baby-sitting and maybe hand-me-down clothes and toys? There are so many ways you can contribute.

Just having this kind of discussion with him can help him realize he really isn't alone in this! It's wonderful he was able to tell you what was on his mind. This will bring you closer depending on how you take this information and move forward with it.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

inquizitivemind said:


> He got stuck at a pharmacy that is just overwhelmingly stressful. I doubt they have any kind of counseling here as we are in a country that's mental health is way behind.


Does he have good boundaries? Is he able to tell his boss NO sometimes? Despite how busy he is or how much his boss is riding him, it ultimately comes down to his attitude whether or not he feels overwhelmed.

It is easy to feel like the pressures are coming from outside, but really it comes from inside. We have some template of what is important or expected of us, and then we feel stressed when it becomes difficult to live up to those. Those pressures may not even be real. For example, he might think you expect him to earn at least a certain amount of money. Or he might think you expect him to achieve a certain professional advancement by a particular time. Or he might feel he has to impress his parents. He might feel pressures from others in his work environment to do things faster. In reality some of these people may not have those expectations, or if they do, the expectations aren't based on anything but their own selfish desire to get stuff from him.

Many times I think we lose perspective. Yes his job is important, and if he is in pharmacy he might be involved in urgent and life critical duties. But it is still just his job. He can choose to accept that he can only do 100%, and he can only do it for a limited number of hours each day, week, and month. He can choose to make his own mental health a bigger priority than his boss' approval of him. He can choose to make his family a higher priority than his job.

He could even choose a different job or career. If he is in the military he is stuck only for the length of his current obligation. He can choose to break a contract and leave today (if he isn't military).

He can and should have pride in his work, but there is a balance which may be missing. Be sure he knows you support him and you want the best for him, and if it means changes in his job then it is fine with you.


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## maverick23 (May 2, 2014)

Sounds like an early mid-life crisis. Others today are on point - build him up verbally, date him, give him a hug. Remind him you are a team.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, many people (men and women both) are overwhelmed with being a parent -- especially in the beginning and when that follows so closely after marriage which is a huge adjustment itself. Not to mention being far from home and in a different country. 

I remember telling my then-husband many years ago that I wanted to take our two week old son back to the hospital and leave him because he cried every waking moment and I didn't know what to do. I wanted my old life, pre-baby, back. Obviously, I didn't take him back to the hospital but I certainly wanted to. It's more common than people realize to feel overwhelmed. 

Do you have to remain where you are now?


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Thanks to everyone who replied. He will finish this current contract in December. I have told him to just hold on for the next 4 months and then he will have a six month break. I will return to my job in 2 weeks. I am looking forward to it. He lined up a daycare for me and everything (he speaks the local language and I don't). I am glad he told me. I need to really focus on just being supportive, positive, and caring for the next few months. I had noticed he had been short tempered a few times lately and now I can see that is just due to stress. Hopefully, I can help him feel better until he can get out of this job.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

intheory said:


> It might be a good idea to not have anymore kids; at least not for a while.
> 
> If your H is stressed at such a level; I hope it's possible for you guys to aim for a much less materialistic lifestyle . Not saying you are materialistic -but as the other posters have suggested, cut down on bills as much as possible. Share a car. If you buy a house, make it a modest one.
> 
> ...


Right now, we are living in a fully furnished apartment that is really cheap in comparison to prices back home. We have one car and buy groceries every week. Last month I think we spent total of $800 on everything and my husband makes WAY more than that. 

After talking to him yesterday, I think he is also stressed about his family. He is the baby, but his older brother is not as close to his parents. His father has had cancer for almost 6 years, but refuses to quit his job and retire. He is 63. So my husband is constantly looking for new meds for him, researching on ways to help him, and making sure his mother is okay as well. 

He also has a sister who is not married. His parents are putting pressure on her to get married (a cultural thing) and he is getting pulled in the middle sometimes being asked to help her find someone. 

On top of that, when I return to work, I will be working in a town 2 hours from here and we will only see each other on the weekends. We hate the arrangement, but the money we are making is SO much better than at home and we want to save enough to significantly pay down my student loans and make a down payment on a new house. We did this last year when I was pregnant and it worked well. We missed each other a lot, but I think I notice more than my husband because he works so much. 

We aren't planning on having another child for at least 2 more years. We agreed on that a long time ago and I think it is best for both of us and our child. I told him that he needed to stop worrying about his family so much and let them work out their problems. He has to do something. I am afraid that he will fall into a deep depression if he doesn't get some things off his plate.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

He might get benefit out of the book "No More Mr.Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert Glover. The basic premise is that some men are pathologically Nice. They tend to take on too much responsibility for other people's stuff. For example, he may be taking on too much responsibility for his father's medical condition and for his mother's well being. He may feel too much pressure about helping find someone for his sister. If he is doing these things for people who either don't specifically ask (does his sister ask for help finding someone?), or if he is doing things in hopes of getting approval in return, he may be a Nice Guy.

If you do get the book for him, generally you should stay out of his working on it unless he specifically asks you to be involved.

Note that the opposite of Nice is not Jerk. The book will not advise him to become a jerk. The book is about him setting better boundaries which are consistent with his own values and goals. So he may decide to tell his parents that he isn't going to participate in helping to find a mate for his sister. The book also deals with internal thought processes which cause great internal stress. He may learn to change how he approaches some tasks at work and how he interacts with coworkers. He may change how he interacts with family. These will all be good changes because he will be more direct and less stressed out. So don't panic that the book will make him a Jerk!


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

UPDATE:

So Yesterday was a really bad day. Our car broke down in the middle of nowhere on a three hour trip. Needless to say we were sitting in the heat for almost 2 hours waiting on the tow truck. Here is the discussion that ensued.

Husband didn't go to bed the night before. He not only didn't go to bed, he took my phone off the night stand after I slept. I wake up and he has my phone. I asked about it, he said he needed the password for the internet from it. I said ok, but was suspicious because he was using it still and I knew he didn't go to bed.

Once in the car with nothing to do but sit, I ask him again about my phone and why he hadn't slept. He says that my ex had called my phone. I said he doesn't have my number. He said yes he does, because he called you and I spoke to him. Then he said. I dont want to talk anymore.

So of course, I know this is BS because my ex does not have my number and my husband knows I would never talk to him again. I told my husband it is not fair to stop the discussion without explaining himself.

He said, Ok...I cheated. I said what?..I'm thinking wth? Is he kidding? He looks at me straight in the face and says, I am cheating. So of course I start tearing up and I said, what? With who? When? He said, I know this girl who lives here and we started hooking up. I said how..you work all the time. He said, well you know my friend comes and stays in the pharmacy for me and I go out with her. 

Okay. So at this point I dont know what to do. I am panicked inside. I asked him how could you do this to me? He was silent. He stopped talking. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to get out of the car and if I hadn't of had the baby and it wasn't five hundred degrees I probably would have. 

Once the tow truck arrived, I took the baby and sat in the front. My husband gets in later after they loaded the car. He says softly, honey, you know I just wanted you to be quiet. I didn't want to talk. I would never cheat on you in a million years. 

WHAT?! I am so upset right now. He is wanting to go on like nothing happened. I asked him, why would you say that? Just say you don't want to talk and stop talking. He said, girls don't listen to that. They shut up if you say you cheated. GIRLS?!?!

At this point, I am so upset. Can anybody make sense of that for me? Who does that? WHY?!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe you finally got your answer. 

I admit I thought his big secret, with all the hysterical crying he did, was because he cheated. 

And taking your phone? And the lame lie about your ex? He's projecting his behavior onto you. It doesn't make sense because he's lying.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Well everything points to him cheating on you and he's having trouble dealing with the guilt.

He almost told you once, then he backed down.

He ultimately told you and now he's backpeddling.

If you want more proof that he's cheating there are many ways to find out, they're all over this forum.

You could start by going down to the pharmacy and speaking with his friend who is covering for him while he goes out. Tell him your husband came clean and he's remorseful and you're working through it but you want to verify some facts.. and you want to know more.. such as how often your husband leaves the store to go see the other woman.

Even if the guy says he doesn't know anything about another woman, find out how often he covers for your husband and how long he's gone, that sort of thing.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

:wtf::crazy::slap:

What an idiotic thing to do if he isn't cheating!

IMHO you should do full 007 on him. Full investigation. All his phone records, credit cards, etc. Make an appointment with a MC and tell him when the appointment is and to be there. Also make an appointment with a polygraph and take him to it. Don't let him convince you not to go through with it. Sometimes people will admit to something small and hope the poly will be cancelled.

He brought on a real sh1tstorm with telling you he is cheating and then telling you he was just kidding.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> Once the tow truck arrived, I took the baby and sat in the front. My husband gets in later after they loaded the car. He says softly, honey, you know I just wanted you to be quiet. I didn't want to talk. I would never cheat on you in a million years.
> 
> WHAT?! I am so upset right now. He is wanting to go on like nothing happened. I asked him, why would you say that? Just say you don't want to talk and stop talking. He said, girls don't listen to that. They shut up if you say you cheated. GIRLS?!?!
> 
> At this point, I am so upset. Can anybody make sense of that for me? Who does that? WHY?!


Oh PLEASE PLEASE do NOT fall for this!!  Ugh, I was hoping it wasnt this...


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## lovelost2soon (Aug 9, 2014)

No rational guy would ever say that to their wife knowing what harm and damage it would do to her if they didn't actually cheat. 
When I was dating many moons ago my bf at the time was hanging out with me at my house and out of nowhere he started to cry. An emotion I had never seen him do before and I couldn't imagine what would make him feel this way. He then said he was so sorry that he slept with another girl BUT he said my name. As if that would some how make me feel all aww that's was sweet instead of kicking his a$$....
I actually believed he was genuinely sorry for what he did and we remained dating. (It took me another yr before I realized he continued to see her behind my back) It was his guilt that made him cry. I think it was the same for you and your situation. He obviously had something that was disturbing him to that point and he finally "reveals" it to you in the truck and now he wants to say he was just joking??? I don't believe it........


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Agreed - no rational man would say such a thing to his wife unless it was true. That's my first thought. That he told you what it was. 

Or he's having some kind of nervous break-down - and not being rational at all. 

I'm really sorry you're going through this.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He blabbed his secret and then thought better of it and tried to take it back with a completely lame cover up story. No one would say something like that to their partner if it wasn't true. It's like stabbing you in the heart and saying, oh, it was all just a big joke, my bad. The cruelty behind that would be nearly as bad as the cheating anyway.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

I cant speak to his coworker because he doesn't speak English. We supposedly have transparency in our marriage, but I guess it is possible he is using his work computer or has a phone to do this stuff. He told me last night again that he is really sorry, but I frustrated him and he just told me something to make me get quiet. 

Well, I told him it is not acceptable at all and now even if he isn't cheating, I think it is likely. Who wouldn't? Why would he put this doubt in my mind? I'm angry inside and I think it is making me mean. I am trying to control my behavior and not shout or these things, but it is very hard. I feel like I am going to explode.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> I cant speak to his coworker because he doesn't speak English. We supposedly have transparency in our marriage, but I guess it is possible he is using his work computer or has a phone to do this stuff. He told me last night again that he is really sorry, but I frustrated him and he just told me something to make me get quiet.
> 
> Well, I told him it is not acceptable at all and now even if he isn't cheating, I think it is likely. Who wouldn't? Why would he put this doubt in my mind? I'm angry inside and I think it is making me mean. I am trying to control my behavior and not shout or these things, but it is very hard. I feel like I am going to explode.


Glad you are not burying your head in the sand. Continue to hold his feet to the fire until he proves he is NOT cheating. After all, he brought this on himself. 

If it turns out he is cheating do you think you would reconcile?


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am really sorry he did that to you. He put you in a no-win position. You have every right to be angry and mean right now!

Are there polygraphs were you live? I think the easiest way to get some closure on the cheating thing is to make an appointment with a good and experienced polygrapher. Don't tell your husband about it! Put him in the car and tell him it is a surprise. When you get to the parking lot 10 minutes early tell him where you are and that now is the time for him to tell you the truth. Then no matter what he tells you, take him inside and have him do the polygraph.

If you give him warning, and if he really was cheating, he'll research ways to fool the polygraph. Given his profession he might take a valium or other drug to flatten his responses.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Was it his idea or yours that you go to work far enough away so that you could only come home on weekends? Do you think he was cheating when you worked away before? Are you still going to work away now?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He either cheated or he didn't. Either way, why would anyone want to stay with such a mean, lying & conniving person? How could you ever believe him about anything ever again?

This is his basic personality - it won't change.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> He either cheated or he didn't. Either way, why would anyone want to stay with such a mean, lying & conniving person? How could you ever believe him about anything ever again?
> 
> This is his basic personality - it won't change.


:iagree: But.....

There are some viral videos on YouTube and such (which are fakes and are marketing something) which are similar. One partner makes an admission of cheating, the "betrayed" goes apesh1t, then the "cheater" admits it was all a joke. I can see a really naive person emulating one of these videos thinking it was a funny joke.

But not within a marriage. And not with the previous event of the H crying and saying what he did about having something difficult to discipline himself over.


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Was it his idea or yours that you go to work far enough away so that you could only come home on weekends? Do you think he was cheating when you worked away before? Are you still going to work away now?


I got my job here before he did. He tried to find a job in my area, but could not. So we decided its better for him to find a job in the same country than to be separated by countries. He works three hours away from me and I will come on the weekends. My job makes more money, so of course I won't quit. His job ends in December and he is moving to live with me until my job finishes is June. We will then return to the US if everything goes to plan. 

I dont think that he has cheated, but again I just cant wrap my head around why he would say that. He is again insisting that it was a joke. I am having a hard time getting over it. I feel like I am just going through the motions of everyday life, not really living life to the fullest. I guess you do this when you have a child and you are distressed. You have to keep up appearances and "act" happy.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He cheated. Do not delude yourself.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Lie detector test.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

I am another one that's going to say that it's likely he did cheat...especially if you are away a lot. Look at the signs:

He was crying
He was hugging you, holding on to you for dear life
He started and stopped the conversation more than once over a period of a few days
Asked you if you've ever had something you had trouble controlling
Says he "cheated" 
Took it back after he saw you freak out by saying it was a joke to get you to be quiet.

Sorry. He is more than likely a real cheater. I know. My H did/said the same thing...crying...said he cheated...took it back...I found evidence. He cheated, even though he claimed to not have any free time....BOTH times he cheated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

inquizitivemind said:


> I got my job here before he did. He tried to find a job in my area, but could not. So we decided its better for him to find a job in the same country than to be separated by countries. He works three hours away from me and I will come on the weekends. My job makes more money, so of course I won't quit. His job ends in December and he is moving to live with me until my job finishes is June. We will then return to the US if everything goes to plan.
> 
> I dont think that he has cheated, but again I just cant wrap my head around why he would say that. He is again insisting that it was a joke. I am having a hard time getting over it. I feel like I am just going through the motions of everyday life, not really living life to the fullest. I guess you do this when you have a child and you are distressed. You have to keep up appearances and "act" happy.


He said it because he was being honest. No normal person would tell his wife he was cheating just to shut her up.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

inquizitivemind said:


> I got my job here before he did. He tried to find a job in my area, but could not. So we decided its better for him to find a job in the same country than to be separated by countries. He works three hours away from me and I will come on the weekends. My job makes more money, so of course I won't quit. His job ends in December and he is moving to live with me until my job finishes is June. We will then return to the US if everything goes to plan.
> 
> I dont think that he has cheated, but again I just cant wrap my head around why he would say that. He is again insisting that it was a joke. I am having a hard time getting over it. I feel like I am just going through the motions of everyday life, not really living life to the fullest. I guess you do this when you have a child and you are distressed. You have to keep up appearances and "act" happy.


He's really stuffed himself up now. If he was telling the truth and wasn't ready to come clean, neither of you can move forward, you're stuck where you are.

If he was lying, he'll have to prove to you that he is not in fact having an affair. Problem is, how does one go about proving something *didn't* happen.

He has created trust issues either way. Either he's a cheater or he's a liar, and not just a white liar, but a cruel, vicious liar. Now there's no way to know which he is and your choice about which lie you'll believe are leading you back to the same basic place: he's an ahole.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

there are ways to find out which he is. but it's pretty clear that he's a cheater. And by definition cheaters are liars.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

clipclop2 said:


> there are ways to find out which he is. but it's pretty clear that he's a cheater. And by definition cheaters are liars.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

inquizitivemind said:


> On top of that, when I return to work, I will be working in a town 2 hours from here and we will only see each other on the weekends. We hate the arrangement, but the money we are making is SO much better than at home and we want to save enough to significantly pay down my student loans and make a down payment on a new house. We did this last year when I was pregnant and it worked well. We missed each other a lot, but I think I notice more than my husband because he works so much.


Think long and hard before doing this. Long distance relationships can distroy a marriage. The distance physically leads to distance emotionally. Please read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...left-wife-temporarily-job-2.html#post10226225


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## inquizitivemind (Jul 16, 2013)

Hi All. This is just an update to my situation. I have had neither the mind or the patience to type anything or even look at a computer for the last month. Here is what happened.

As so many predicted and I felt deep down, I did discover that my husband was cheating. It was an online, sexual and emotional affair. I know it was only online because this woman is in another country. After what some of you said, I got into his phone and checked it out for myself. I had to know the truth because it was just killing me to know.

Basically I found hundreds of videos where he was professing his love and devotion to this girl. Also I found sexual videos. I think the emotional ones bother me more than the sexual ones. I guess I just don't know what to think at all right now and I am at a loss for words.

I came here to update you all because I am not sure what to do now. When I showed him all the evidence I had gathered, he told me that he had tried to admit it to me but he couldn't get up the courage. He said he knew it was wrong, and he was ashamed of himself. 

At this point I don't know what to think. How can people trust those who have lied to them? We are living together now permanently so there is no distance between us. Whenever he comes home from work, I miss him but once he arrives I just want to scream at him. It's so confusing.

Advice from anybody is appreciated.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Thanks for the update.

I think you need someone local to talk to about this. A good individual counselor would be my first choice.


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

You said he felt overwhelmed and sometimes wanted "out"? Maybe he's trying to chase you off so that he's not the bad guy for leaving you and the baby. 

Is he on any medication for his depression and feelings of being overwhelmed? 

So sorry for what you're going through; wishing you the best.
Tab


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If you could have your way would you R or D?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What's work the story about work then? That doesn't make any sense. Is there someone else physical in the picture as well?


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

inquizitivemind said:


> He said that he is overwhelmed. We just got married a year ago. We were living in his country close to his family. We now are living overseas and have a baby. He said he has never had the responsibility that he has now and sometimes he feels like he can't breathe from it. He said his manager is breathing down his neck all the time to make more sales and it has been really adding stress.


not so bad. I was wondering if you were going to say your panties and bras were all stretched like a man was wearing them .

so...u are married. support your man. Give him long back rubs, lots of good sex, do not have another kid right away...give him a breather. give him lots of good sex (worth saying twice). Build up his ego. Meet him at the door in sexy lingerie carrying a martini for him...see if he likes that!  Join a gym with him and work out on the weekends...to control his stress.

sales jobs are tough, but they are VERY portable. So if he can not take this one boss, maybe a new job.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

murphy5 said:


> not so bad. I was wondering if you were going to say your panties and bras were all stretched like a man was wearing them .
> 
> so...u are married. support your man. Give him long back rubs, lots of good sex, do not have another kid right away...give him a breather. give him lots of good sex. Build up his ego. Meet him at the door in sexy lingerie carrying a martini for him...see if he likes that! Join a gym with him and work out on the weekends...to control his stress.


I think you need to read the entire thread.


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