# Facebook password..Urgh i hate this!



## Glow_worm (Feb 1, 2011)

Hey im new to the forum and i really need some advice. To cut a long story short, me and my husband have been married since Oct 2009. I lived in Germany and he moved back to America as he is in the Military as got stationed state side. He has always had trust issues but once i had finally got my visa and lived in America it wasnt so bad. We ended up having major issues and i left on Dec 22nd hoping i could give him a wake up call.

Our marriage is such a mess but i dont want to give up..We seem to be stuck in a devil circle about compromising and he seems to think this is a game and is always sayng he is working on this marriage harder then me, bearing in mind i cant even do anything because we are thousands of miles away right now apart from talk which he did after i first got back and kinda just doesnt really care to talk.

We use to share a FB. I didnt care. I have nothing to hide and it made him feel better. Well i got my own FB account when i got back and now we want to try and figure things out he seriously wants to start fighting with me because i wont give him my password. For one i dont want to give it to him until this is fixed and we are actually together again, 2. its actually nice to be able to private message friends when i need someone to talk to without worrying he will read it and 3. why should i give him it just because he doesnt trust me?
He said to me we are married and we are meant to share and shouldnt have anything to hide..but that doesnt mean we should give up all our privacy right? How can i explain this to him?

This whole FB thing is so stupid and i cant even believe he cares so much for it. I hate FB i really do.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

FB causes proplems period!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

If you hate FB then delete your "private" account--problem solved!

The part you're not going to want to hear is that your husband is correct. You are married now--to him, not to the people you private message with on FB. If you have an issue with him, you should be going to him and talking to him, not to other people on FB. And there is a difference between "privacy" and "secrecy." Privacy would be like modesty--closing the door when you go to the bathroom. Secrecy is hiding something--like in this instance hiding what you're saying and the True You from your husband. 

So my advice would be to give him your password or delete FB altogether, and remind yourself daily that the promise you made to him was to "forsake ALL OTHERS" and give 100% of your affection and loyalty to HIM...not to facebook.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

marriage is sharing and caring. kick facebook to the curb until the both of you are secure together.

why are you talking about him and asking advise from folks on facebook??

talk to your husband about the issues the two for you have. you must talk to him. facebook is a scapegoat. you wont let him have the password, he will do something in return to hurt you back...

just delete it or give him the password. and stop talking behind his back, marriage is the two of you. what privacy are you haveing in facebook?? its the internet. anybody can see it. its a social site. 

glad you found TAM, this is a good place for advise, because its not one sided, and you will hear harsh truths. you will get straight talk, but you also get support, and a community who is always here for you and always listens.


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## Glow_worm (Feb 1, 2011)

I dont talk about HIM to anyone on FB if i have problems..in general i talk to my girls. If they have issues and wanna message me or i just want to get other things of my chest. I TRY to talk to my husband about my issues but its not easy. He has been verbally and mentally abusive and was very controlling thats why i left and that is why it bothers me that he wants control over it again when we dont even know where our marriage is going. 

I dont care if he has any of my passwords.. i use to share everything with him and he had total control over EVERYTHING i did. He would even shut off my phone when he got mad at me because he had the power to do so as i have nothing in America, i gave up everything i had to be with him and he took total control. It just bothers me that he wants them because he doesnt trust me, not because we are married and we should share.


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## AuldEegit (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree with you here.
You may be married but you are not the same person. You are entitled to have your own FB account if you wish. He has no right to ask for your password. Perhaps he is more worried about what he gets up to on FB and suspects you are doing the same thing. This is controlling behaviour and you are right not to give in to it.
My husband and I have our own FB accounts, bank accounts, friends and as much as we do a lot together we also have our own interests.
Ok I wouldn't be here if everything was so wonderful in my marriage but I wouldn't need to be here if my husband was trying to control me the way yours is. 
That kind of behaviour would make my own decision so much easier.
Asking for your password to check up on you is the same as listening to a phonecall or reading private letters. And I don't think anyone would agree that it is ok for husbands and wives to do that.


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Glow_worm said:


> Hey im new to the forum and i really need some advice. To cut a long story short, me and my husband have been married since Oct 2009. I lived in Germany and he moved back to America as he is in the Military as got stationed state side. He has always had trust issues but once i had finally got my visa and lived in America it wasnt so bad. We ended up having major issues and i left on Dec 22nd hoping i could give him a wake up call.
> 
> Our marriage is such a mess but i dont want to give up..We seem to be stuck in a devil circle about compromising and he seems to think this is a game and is always sayng he is working on this marriage harder then me, bearing in mind i cant even do anything because we are thousands of miles away right now apart from talk which he did after i first got back and kinda just doesnt really care to talk.
> 
> ...


I guess the question is why do YOU care so much to keep it private if you hate fb so much? If you already know he has trust issues and you initially had a fb account together and NOW you want a separate one...why? All I'm saying is if fb isn't a really big deal to you why bother. 

Sad to say I'm with your h...What is it you want to hide from him? Yes you can remain an individual and you should, but you should also feel comfortable being completely open with the man you are planning to spend the rest of your life! Yes you should be able to do your own things but what's wrong with sharing them with your spouse? 

I personally can stand fb and it has become a thorn in the sides of MANY (including mine) marriages. To be frank even if he did have your password there is ABSOLUTELY nothing to prevent you from deleting your "private" messages or chats. (fyi I'm in the shoes of your husband and strongly believe marriage is far different from any other relationship ever-- parent/child, boyfriend/girlfriend, siblings-- You have voluntarily united with that person until death you do part--"your better half", so you have a different connection/bond and responsibility to that person. In other words if you planning on spending the REST of your life with this person, what's wrong with SHARING the rest of your life with that person?)


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

Glow_worm said:


> I dont talk about HIM to anyone on FB if i have problems..in general i talk to my girls. If they have issues and wanna message me or i just want to get other things of my chest. I TRY to talk to my husband about my issues but its not easy. He has been verbally and mentally abusive and was very controlling thats why i left and that is why it bothers me that he wants control over it again when we dont even know where our marriage is going.
> 
> I dont care if he has any of my passwords.. i use to share everything with him and he had total control over EVERYTHING i did. He would even shut off my phone when he got mad at me because he had the power to do so as i have nothing in America, i gave up everything i had to be with him and he took total control. It just bothers me that he wants them because he doesnt trust me, not because we are married and we should share.


I guess I should have read all of the posts before commenting! Being in an abusive relationship is FAR different than just a marriage. You do need a secure/safe place to be. Being controlled and manipulated is not a part of being married. It doesn't even sound like he doesn't trust you, more like he just wants to completely control you. I apologize for my previous post. No one should put up with abuse, physical/mental or verbal. You may have been better off staying away? Stay strong and good luck.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

If your husband is verbally and emotionally abusive, just leaving him isn't going to be enough to wake him up. He's going to have to realize that he has a problem and WANT to get help for it. It's virtually impossible to have a happy life with men like this. 

I'd like to know what he's done to "work on" on the marriage. For you...go to Amazon, and order the book "Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. You can probably get a used copy for very little. Great book. Please read it.


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## Crankshaw (Jan 12, 2011)

both myself and my wife have FB accounts, she has changed her password, she still knows mine though.


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## WhirlyGig (Feb 5, 2011)

So here's the thing,

I actually have a job, which requires me to have a FB account, and a Twitter account, and a number of others. I am ultimately responsibly for my organisations Social Media policies and strategy.

That said, I have found it fun....great fun and very useful for all sorts of reasons.

I began to explore this world and invited my partner to join in, but she wasn't interested for a very long time, saying there was nothing of interest to her.

Now let me say, that relationship-wise we have some pretty major problems, that I am not going to go into right now, and I began to find FB to be a nice little escape. Friends were nice and pleasant. No judgements. I could express an opinion, never about my relationship I hasten to add, and would get lots of funny, interesting, sometimes challenging responses - Its VERY useful and enjoyable.

Eventually my partner got a FB account and friended me. Very soon afterwards she wanted to know why there only seemed to be a few photos of her, or us together on my profile. Who were all these people who were my friends (mostly work colleagues - she never has taken much interest in my work) especially the female ones, of course....

Why did I say that, why did I update this, why have I commented the other. 

Very soon she began trying to put my comments down - "Why would anyone want to know about that"......and then - Why dont you post about what we do? Don't you care about your family.....I'm sure you can guess where this is going......

Soon it escalate into "You can't put that photo of you up on FB - I hate it!" If you loved me you would take it down...etc....

Then an old friend, whom I hadnt seen for about 20 years friended me and asked if I had any old photos I could put up and share. I have to say I thought little of it, and put them up.

My partner went ballistic -saying those photos were an embarrassment to her. I should have asked her before putting them up there etc....

Now, there are a few ways that one could respond to this:

Her feelings are more important - what does it cost to take them down?

Maybe if I explain, she would understand?

But the overriding feeling, I could not get beyond, was that she wanted to exercise control over what I was doing, with whom I was talking and this ultimately reflected her behaviour towards a number of other things in our lives.

In the end, IMHO FB is NOT the problem. There is no more wrong with this, then there is having friendships other than your partner. This is insecurity, and controlling behaviour, plain and simple and that is the issue that needs to be dealt with rather than FB?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Damn, I'm glad I don't have Facebook. :rofl:


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## 2sick (Nov 5, 2010)

WhirlyGig said:


> So here's the thing,
> 
> I actually have a job, which requires me to have a FB account, and a Twitter account, and a number of others. I am ultimately responsibly for my organisations Social Media policies and strategy.
> 
> ...


HMMM sounds like fb IS a problem?!?!? I'm assuming you had friends before you went on fb? You have to WHOLE new avenue!!! These sound like fights you didn't have before fb. I'm not sure that your wife is trying to control your every move. I say that because I (in theory) am your wife too..and don't feel like I'm trying to control hubby...just don't understand the desire to get so involved in fb. Friending people you sort of remember or just friending people (mostly women) just because they went to the same school as you. WTF why?!?!? :scratchhead: I enjoy fb with PEOPLE I COMPLETELY remember and WANT to genuinely know how they have been. This is why IMO fb just creates marital problems for NO reason...issues that exist solely because of fb. (well maybe not solely but surely exxagerated because of fb)


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