# Last Night......big mistake



## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Last night was horrible. I should have stood my ground, and not given into my feelings of missing him. I allowed myself to be in a situation where we just ended up hurting each other again. 

We were talking and now he wants to be honest with me all the time....LOL. He said he owed it to me to let me know that the OW would be staying with him overnight either Sunday or Monday. I told him in the future I request no knowledge of her being that close to my home. He said that he wanted to let me know so that there wasn't any issues if I popped by with the kids etc. I told him I would not show up un announced because if I saw her ever I would be in jail....He actually made a comment then that he needed to end the relationship with her. that it was not going to last anyway, but he didn't want to chance something happening between she and I . Protecting her or me???

Somehow we got into it and I unleashed all the thoughts I had been having about her, and him. I unleashed my hurt and anger, and he just sat there with tears in his eyes mostly, commenting on certain things. I told him how hurt I was that he choose to not fight for us, and that all his comments about how much happier the kids were etc, is what he needs to think so that he doesn't feel guilty. I told him what they have said to me, I told him how betrayed I feel, not only about the OW, but more so that he left me, and basically killed off the life we have. That our future is dead..... 

He was hurt I could tell, and I left. When I got home he texted me and there was a mixture of anger, self pity, guilt, shifting blame for how hurt he was on me for telling him all of this. He said "Ill never live in peace after what you told me tonight. I guess I will have to live with it, and I deserve it" "I just hope my life is over soon cus I can't take the hurt I caused you and the kids""my life is foreit now" "Isnt that enough to break any man? to tell him he has ruined everything? "

Anyway I ended that night saying that I love him and always will but can't talk to him or see him anymore unless it is kid or money related. My pain and his pain combined is too much for me to handle.

Anyone have any caring words of wisdom? Please be gentle I am having a rough time today....


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

The things is you see now that it was a mistake. We all have to learn from our mistakes. 180 is for you not for him. You need to be a strong mother for your children. You can do this, and you will do this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

If he was really that upset, he can do something about it. Like becoming a better man. If he just focuses on self-pity, and shifting blame to you, use this as another example of why you will be better off without him.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Thanks for your words of support. I really wish he didn't get to me so much. Why do I feel so bad for him and feel the need to comfort him after all he has done? 

When will I be able to disconnect my emotions from this man?


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

Some of us comfort others without knowing that we do it. Some of us put others before ourselves... You have to know that you are in control and if you get hurt it is because you allowed it. Set and example for your children... You will make it threw this......one day at a time....


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

How naive of him. Sounds like someone who has no clue how painful it is to have the person you thought loved you leave you for another. How much it hurts to imagine that person in the arms of another.. Then to have the gall to tell you he's sleeping with her and when?

This guy isn't too sharp is he? Also must be a little self serving narcissist. Its obvious he has no respect for anyone's feelings, but his own. Let the OW deal with him. You deserve better.

Makes me want to punch the guy in the face. Grrrr!!


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

LOL....thanks. I feel that way sometimes too. Just down today.....really had hoped he would come around by now, and see what he is missing. Says he misses the kids, but seems content to be away from me, until he NEEDS the attention, then comes around and pouts when I don't give him what he wants. I wish I could cut him out of my life all together, at least until I can detach....uuggghhhh!


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

Oh girl pa....leeeese! He is blame shifting and guilt tripping you! And intentionally hurting you by 'just wanting you to know' she was over in case you popped by...and his other guilt trip statements ...

""""my life is over soon cus I can't take the hurt I caused you and the kids""my life is foreit now" """ etc etc...

Pffffttt......

Your right...contact only regarding kids. He's a head case. 
Hope I'm not to harsh...but really? This is bs...


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

Having such a hard day knowing she us with him.... Trying to keep busy but thoughts keep going to what he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Hi,
dont be tto hard on yourself. We all fall off the 180 wagon now and again. Just put it behind you now and start again.

Ive been where you are now and i really feel your pain. I dont need to descride the intense hurt and loneliness i felt when my H moved out as i know you are feeling it too.

Just be kind to yourself. Try and think of the positives you have in your life. I know its really hard honey, but you have too. It took me months to implement the 180 properly, i missed my H so much, and i also had a number of emoitional melt downs in front of him, but you really have to be strong now and pull back, let him go, show him you can cope without him. Make sure you look fabulous everytime you see him, ask him to watch the kids so you can go out, get yourself fit. Show him you dont need him anymore!

Your H sounds like mine, he was confused and torn, but YOU have to take control now, gain your self respect back and take control of the situation. You might just be suprised at the results!

MyH and i are nearly a year into R, i hope you get the ending you want too.
xx


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

He feels guilty. Guilt is only about his pain, not yours. If he felt remorse he would be concerned about your suffering. 180 all the way!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

My guess is he says things to get a reaction out of you. OW staying overnight but he needs to break it off.....that's a head game and wants to see if he can place you as Plan B. He wants one foot in the door, other on the porch. Can't have it both ways.....unless you allow it. He has more excuses than beer cans at a frat party. You don't need this......go dark. Buy a new outfit....go out (I don't care if you drive another town over and sit in parking lot of Wendy's) and he will become curious. That alone will curtail his BS head games.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am so angry at him and I hate her. My head is telling me to file, but my heart keeps stopping me.


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## lee101981 (Sep 6, 2012)

A lot of us have been there. Listen to your head that what I should of done a lot sooner!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

you can file and stop a D at any time. one day later or the day it's to be final. state don't care, they just want the revenue. may be you filing will help him face reality


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## gulfwarvet (Jan 7, 2013)

You have to ask yourself the tough questions can you really continue on with this marriage?how can you ever trust him?should you stay with him can you really get past this?For most people cheating is a deal breaker.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

gulfwarvet said:


> You have to ask yourself the tough questions can you really continue on with this marriage?how can you ever trust him?should you stay with him can you really get past this?For most people cheating is a deal breaker.


I know u ate right. I just don't think I have ever given up in anything important in my life. So hard to be the one to file. Feel like a quiter
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Listen, you did not give up. He did. He walked out. He cheated. Don't feel guilty. Avoid contact if at all possible. The guilt trip/sympathy card will just confuse you. Do what you need to do when you are ready. There is no timeline. Just PROTECT yourself.


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## Lovingwife315 (Dec 10, 2012)

I guess you are all right, I have to be the one who decides when enought is enough. I am not ready yet, but am getting stronger everyday.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I forgot but you don't have kids right? If so how long is the waiting period after you file? 60 days? If you do have kids, what is the time frame in NJ?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Lovingwife315 said:


> I am so angry at him and I hate her. My head is telling me to file, but my heart keeps stopping me.


You should get over him first and then file. Don't divorce out of anger or vengeance. It should be a rational act on your part. It's really much easier to walk into a divorce with a clear head, otherwise he's going to drag you through an emotional pit of mud and it will make what you are going through now look like a walk in the park. 

But you do have to make a decision about whether or not you WANT to get over him or not and move on with your life. That's where the 180 comes into play. It's not about getting him back..It's about getting yourself into the right frame of mind so you can heal and take charge of your life. 

It takes time to heal and get that sense of detachment that allows you to move on. For me, it took almost 2 years of separation. It wasn't easy but once it happened and I decided to plunge in and file it made things much easier. I'm a much stronger, more rational person than I was when we first separated. 

More than once these days I've thought to myself "Would I really want to get back with my H?" The answer is a resounding "NO". When that day comes you are ready for the D. You need to be in the right spot emotionally to embark on it so you don't second guess and agonize over it. A divorce isn't just a legal and physical act, it's a mental and emotional one too. 

So climb back on the 180 bandwagon and have a go at it again. I fell off the wagon many times. I printed up a copy and would keep it with me and whenver I felt the urge to call my H and "talk" to him I would take it out and read it. I even posted it above my desk. 

But the day came when I realized that I was free from my husband and the feelings I had for him. It's the BEST feeling you'll ever have but you've got to stop picking the scabs off old wounds. You had your say and probably needed to do what you did. Now it's time to move on. Keep on track and soon you'll be healed and ready to make the final break. 

But don't bite off more than you can chew. First things first. It's all about you now..not him. 

Remember, a good general never worries about losing one battle..It's all about winning the war.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Chuck71 said:


> I forgot but you don't have kids right? If so how long is the waiting period after you file? 60 days? If you do have kids, what is the time frame in NJ?


Ah..NJ. I can answer that one! You can file whenever you want. 



> In order to file for a divorce in New Jersey, either spouse must have been a resident of the state for at least one year prior to filing for divorce. The only exception to the one-year residency requirement is when the grounds for divorce are for *adultery*. In cases of adultery, the requirement is that at least one spouse must be a New Jersey resident for any amount of time, which can be less than 1 year.


You have grounds too, because he cheated. If you want to file you can do it tomorrow. Once you file, he has 35 days to respond once you have the papers sent to him. If you do nothing after filing you have 4 months before they dismiss the case altogether. It will cost you $250 to file plus $25 if you have a minor child. 

Like I said before, I'd wait until you're more emotionally grounded. However, most lawyers will give you a free consultation so you might want to consult with a lawyer to see what you are up against. It can't hurt. 

Whatever you do, don't tell your H anything about what you are thinking or doing.

There's tons of info out there on divorce in NJ. Just google it. Plus, your country courthouse will have a self help resource center where you can go to ask questions and get forms if you want to get the process started.


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