# I think he's disappointed in our daughter



## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Our daughter is 18 and in the second year of 6th form. She wants to go to University, but seems to just stab in the dark at what she wants to do. 

Hubby (we've been married 22 years) always knew what he wanted to do + went to University and worked hard for his career. He expects the same of our children (as all parents do) but we see very little in the way of studies with our 18 year old daughter:scratchhead: She claims she studies at school during free time. Her grades were good for her AS levels,but hubby thinks they could've been better. If she wants to go to Uni, obviously she needs GOOD grades, so we have stopped the nagging and leaving it up to her to work. If she doesn't work and get the grades she was obviously not serious enough about Uni in the first place. She expects everything on a plate (typical of most youngsters these days I think:scratchhead

She's not afraid of working and holds down 4 part time jobs which she does as and when they need her. Just pot washing/waitressing. 

Since they always end up rowing about her education, she and hubby don't talk about it. She doesnt even talk to me about it either. She says she has a "plan" and "school are helping her!" 

I feel hubby is disappointed in our daughter. She is everything to me (as is our son) and I will never be disappointed. I just want to love her and be there for her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

wow, she's 18

I floundered for longer than that and I think it's more common to do as such these days

asking an 18 year old what they want to do with their life is asking a lot 
while that doesn't mean they should be doing nothing but trying to find themselves, allowing her some slack to make some mistakes and make their own choices will go a long way to her own personal responsibility and will make her accomplishments even more earned.

If she's not doing drugs or getting drunk every night then there's not much to worry about. 

Guide her, don't tell her what to do.

plus- I'm sure your husband is more worried about her not making mistakes and having genuine concern rather than being disappointed. (hope I'm right here) He is her dad and probably wants to apply his own life experience to hers. Have you talked to him about letting her go a bit? Maybe he's just scared or doesn't want to face that fact that his baby girl is an adult now.


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## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> wow, she's 18
> 
> I floundered for longer than that and I think it's more common to do as such these days
> 
> ...


Thank you for your lovely reply. I think you are right with that last part. He does want to apply his own life experience to hers, but she wants to do it herself. Which is good, as you say she is learning. We are both finding our kids growing up is a bit difficult, but what parents don't. We just want the best for them. We dont want to alienate them. And no they aren't drinking and doing drugs, so we are proud of that.

He's a loving hubby in other ways but I am finding it difficult to change from worrying parent to sexy lover!:scratchhead: That's a whole different issue though!


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## Sameold (Aug 11, 2011)

Sounds like she's not quite sure what she wants to do yet, which is pretty normal. You might look up some statistics on the average number of changes of majors university students are doing these days, and share that with your husband. It was five at my university over a decade ago--but your terms for education tell me you're in a different country than I am.
Some people seem to be born knowing what they want to do. Some want to do several things, and have to figure out which they're best suited to as career and which make more sense as a hobby. Some want to do something that is not a good choice for a career, and need to instead discover a tolerable career that can support their hobby.
If she's holding down four part-time jobs, I don't think she's expecting everything on a plate. She just doesn't maybe know what she ought to study yet. If you can talk to her about these things, ask her if her school provides any sort of career aptitude tests. They're of varying value, but can usually give some rough idea as to what fields might be related to her strong areas.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Stuckinarut said:


> He's a loving hubby in other ways but I am finding it difficult *to change from worrying parent to sexy lover!*:scratchhead: That's a whole different issue though!



hmmmm....shouldn't you be both already?

My kids are only 10 and 13 and while my wife and I are parents, we are also sexy lovers (they do have to go to bed eventually)


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Sameold said:


> If she's holding down four part-time jobs, I don't think she's expecting everything on a plate.



this is an important thing to note and bring up with your husband

she's still acting responsibly and it's not like she's some burnout teen hanging at the 711 every night.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Your husband is much too hard on your daughter. Sorry, but she comes across as very responsible. She is only 18 bloody years old, of course she doesn't know what she wants yet.

If he doesn't stop being so pushy, their relationship will suffer.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I wonder if he is disappointed more that she doesn't seem to know what she wants to do, or if its that she isn't on the path he had in mind for her? Maybe she does know what she wants to do but is ashamed or afraid that her decision will disappoint more than being noncommittal about the whole thing? Maybe University is not for her (I know! GASP!) When I was that old I too didn't know what I really wanted to do but for some reason there was some unspoken suggestion that university is the only way to truly succeed, despite no one in my lineage had ever actually finished any post-secondary education. I wish I would have known about technology and the trades before wasting all that time and money switching majors in uni only to quit after finishing a few third year classes in commerce.


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