# married and befriending other people???



## physiogal (Jan 25, 2013)

I am 34, married 8 years back, 2 kids, undergoing a long divorce, My husband is seeing to it that this divorce drags out for as long as possible.

More than a year back I met this guy. We are part of a large group that regularly meet for some volunteer/charity work. He is married but has been unhappy, 2 kids that he loves very much. He filed for divorce then took it back because it seemed a divorce would mean losing custody of his kids. (We are not in the US so the laws are different) We have talked over the past year several times in that group and a few times privately when the discussion centred around we were coping with our bad marriages, kids, finances (we were both going through some rough time financially, still are) . The private discussions weren't ongoing. It was like we would talk once and then nothing for the next 3 months, even though we liked each other a lot from the start. I think both of us avoided it because we were still married and thought it was wrong.

Now lately, I had some problems at work which could mean I might need to find another job and I was stressed out about it, he was facing problems at home, they eventually ended up separating. He is still undecided whether or when he will get a divorce. He has a business and divorce would end up ruining him financially. 

Both of us have developed feelings for each other. Till now we hadn't exchnaged phone numbers, but he asked for mine a month back and asked me if i would add him on FB, and we sent each other messages on a couple of occasions this past month, nothing affectionate just friendly ones. But we both know we are more than friends. So what do I do now. 

I have some rules and I had promised myself i would never date or talk to married guys, no matter how bad they say their marriage is. But here am I falling for this guy, he is really caring down to earth and a great dad. Where I live there aren't many opportunities to meet men. 

He sent me a whatsapp message early this morning a simple Hi, I didn't reply, it felt wrong, I am still married technically, so is he. but I have been deprived of love so long, I don't know what to do? Part of me says to go ahead chat him him, he makes me happy, I deserve some happiness after being in an abusive marriage for so long.Part of me tells me that's cheating. What should I do??? we have known each other for more than a year and despite being attracted to each other we have held back  

I am sorry if I am not very clear, english isn't my first language.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

So you are both separated from your spouses but not divorced. 

I think that developing a romantic relationship with him might end up in him being forced to get a divorce, which may lead him to feel resentment towards you later on down the track if his life goes down the toilet because of it. On your end, you have to think how your husband would react to the knowledge of you dating someone and if it may make things worse for you.

There is nothing stopping you from continuing the friendship except your own doubts about your ability to keep it as a friendship. You say you deserve happiness, and yes, you do, however, you are out of your abusive marriage now and still not happy. Are you looking for someone to rescue you from your life or are you looking for someone to share your life with?


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I separated back in January and have been serious with a girl for the past few months. I'll be divorced in a few months. I moved on a long time ago though, so I was ready to date right away. It's what happens when you have a totally sexless marriage for the past 4 years.

I sleep just fine at night. Do whatever feels right. In my books, once you're seperated and working on a divorce, you're single. Just make sure you're in a no fault state.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you wish to participate in marital infidelity do exactly that, if you don't want to participate in marital infidelity don't.

Whatever you decide I encourage you to embrace whatever decision you make, since whatever you choose to do is what you intend to do.

Good Luck!


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## drleo1 (Jan 22, 2016)

Do what makes your life happy, do what makes you simile, after all it what we all want in life, and am sure you want whats best for you.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You're breaking your own rule (which I refer to as boundary), which means either you don't believe in this rule (it's not really that important to you after all) or it is important and you don't have the strength to stand by it. 

He isn't going to divorce, for his own reasons, which are perfectly legitimate for him to have. 

Right now you're feeling strongly toward him, because your rational brain is still catching up to reality. This man isn't going to be available in the way you seem to want until/unless he decides to take steps. 

We are all different but I will say that once I established my boundaries vs. negotiables, then stuck by them steadfastly (which was difficult sometimes and took some trial and error), I eventually got precisely what I desired. Looking back, part of me wishes I'd learned earlier in life to never compromise my boundaries for anyone, no matter how badly I may think I want to be with them.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I think only you know if you're ready or not...you are separated and headed to divorce so in terms of cheating you are clear there.
Some people are over their marriage years before they actually divorce. 
If he is going to divorce and you are in the process I don't see a problem. But if he just figuring stuff out and there is a real chance to go back to his marriage then perhaps is not the time to get involved.


Sent from my iPhone


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

I'm a guy. I've been around this specific situation and seen this play out SOOOOO many times.

This guy is not ready to leave his wife. You are the bridge/gap filler and he just wants to get in your pants. 

Married men don't leave their wives and he's already giving you rope-a-dope. Reason after reason why "now is not a good time to divorce". 

I am telling you point blank to RUN from this situation. And if you ignore this advice please come back and tell us how it did not work out so I can tell you "I told you so".


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You are naive and he is a scum bag. Sorry for being blunt.

This is a text book case that is taught in Infidelity 101 on the first day.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

He's not leaving his wife and you know it. That's why you feel guilty. Stop talking to him and focus your attention on single men. They're everywhere. I don't think you're naive, I think you know very much what you're doing and are just trying to justify it.


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## physiogal (Jan 25, 2013)

breeze said:


> So you are both separated from your spouses but not divorced.
> 
> I think that developing a romantic relationship with him might end up in him being forced to get a divorce, which may lead him to feel resentment towards you later on down the track if his life goes down the toilet because of it. On your end, you have to think how your husband would react to the knowledge of you dating someone and if it may make things worse for you.
> 
> There is nothing stopping you from continuing the friendship except your own doubts about your ability to keep it as a friendship. You say you deserve happiness, and yes, you do, however, you are out of your abusive marriage now and still not happy. Are you looking for someone to rescue you from your life or are you looking for someone to share your life with?


I agree with you. I don't want him to lead to divorce. If he ever divorces his wife I want it to be on his own account. In the past whenever we have discussed our marriages I have always told him to try every possible thing to save his marriage before deciding for divorce. So yes, I don't want him divorced because of me.

About the second part, I am happy to be out of an abusive marriage. I finished a college degree after leaving my husband, got a good job and have my career back on track, I have my kids are we are happy but having been in a loveless marriage for so long I do feel lonely and want someone to share my life with. 
@GuyInColorado for me this marriage was over years ago, I don't know how things are with him. From what he's has told me there has been no intimacy for years. They sleep in separate bedrooms, more than once he came to the group feeling very down because of things at home. But it's not over until it's over, right?
@Personal@[email protected] thank you for advice  
@Satya, yes I am very well aware of the fact that I am breaking my own rule, reason being, I don't feel strong enough. Raising two kids on my own with no financial support from their father, going to college ,managing the mess that my husband has created of this divorce has been stressful. There are days when I felt like giving up, I needed someone to be there for me. I haven't come across any single guys, the few I have met seem like jerks. I have another rule and that's I will never marry a guy who isn't a good father to his kids, my own husband doesn't care about the kids so I feel attracted to men who are good fathers. But I agree, he won't be available for me the way I want until he takes steps.
@jdawg2015 , thank you, TBH, we are both fillers for each other emotional needs. We are not romantically involved in the strict sense, I am NOT going to sleep with him until things are clear between me and him. 
@Eric, thank you. blunt replies welcome


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## physiogal (Jan 25, 2013)

@Celes, I am not justifying it. I just needed an opinion on whether there is a possibility of this working out since my marriage is over in the practical sense and he is separated. I am attracted to him and he seems like he will be good dad for my kids, that's all


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If I were you I would tell him to lose your number until he is divorced. If he is so unhappy in his marriage and wants another woman, he should get divorced. Don't be a homewrecker.

(You know, of course, that the WhatsApp is to be able to message you without leaving a record for someone, i.e., betrayed spouse, to find.)


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I guess I didn't read closely y about the other guy. I agree, don't get involved with him until he's living on his own, has filed D papers, and is on his way to a divorce.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

physiogal said:


> @Celes, I am not justifying it. I just needed an opinion on whether there is a possibility of this working out since my marriage is over in the practical sense and he is separated. I am attracted to him and he seems like he will be good dad for my kids, that's all


Yes you are. You are having an emotional affair with a married man.

Period.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

physiogal said:


> @Celes, I am not justifying it. I just needed an opinion on whether there is a possibility of this working out since my marriage is over in the practical sense and he is separated. I am attracted to him and he seems like he will be good dad for my kids, that's all


Then find a guy who is attractive and can be a good dad to your kids who is NOT married. He has not started the divorce process with his wife and probably never will. You need to butt out of their marriage. If down the road he does divorce his wife and seeks you out then cool. But don't stoop yourself so low as to stick around and encourage it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You're most likely not the only one he's hitting up. I would not get remotely involved with this guy, just have a bad feeling. Many married people claim their marriages are awful, they're getting a divorce, but nothing ever changes. Meanwhile, his wife might think everything's perfectly fine, and he's just looking for women to pass the time away. I'd honestly tell him you no longer want to talk, and seek friendships with available men.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Now, why on earth does he keep going back to his wife?

Proverbs 26 KJV


> As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Now, why on earth does he keep going back to his wife?
> 
> Proverbs 26 KJV


He probably never 'left' her. That's my guess. Not until a person is divorced...not separated...should dating him/her even be an option.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> He probably never 'left' her. That's my guess. Not until a person is divorced...not separated...should dating him/her even be an option.


Oh! Oh! *I* know!

It's one of these lies that folks tell!

"Of course I'll respect you in the morning!"
"I no longer have a marriage. We have agreed to separate. Soon."
"The car was driven twice a week, Sundays only, by a little old lady. Yeah, she loved her Mustangs."


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

"I'm planning to divorce my wife real soon now" ranks with "Of course I'll respect you in the morning" and "The check is in the mail" as one of the most common lies.

Of course it isn't *always *a lie, but it usually is.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Even if it isn't a lie, it's not smart to date someone who just got out of a bad relationship, divorce or otherwise. That person needs to time to process things, and heal. And if the person is rushing out the door to start dating right away, that's just red flag behavior to me. If you date someone in that phase, you'll most likely just be a rebound person. There are exceptions, but more often than not, it's best to date someone who's been divorced for more than a year. Minimum 6 months.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

If it helps ask yourself will he respect me for not going down this path so that if one day he does divorce he will think of me as a person he should seriously date. Decline any cheater apps, which he used, and at this point phone calls, social media and private discussions. Stay in group settings.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

It's not always the wrong thing to date while separated. My husband was separated when we met, but not divorced. The difference here was that the marriage was long dead, both he and his ex wife had moved on and she was off living in her new house with her boyfriend. The property settlement was done, the custody/parenting arrangements were all done, the only thing left was the divorce itself which was, by then a formality. Neither of them were in court the day it was granted, she was at work and he was on a conference. Their respective lawyers told them.

This situation though, has red flags all over it. OP, you yourself are not long out of an abusive marriage. That takes time to recover from - you need to be on your own, focus on your kids and find you again. If your marriage was abusive, you've likely lost yourself completely in it and have no idea who you are anymore.

As for this man, he's still living with his wife and children. Don't go there. Please don't be "that" woman. If he leaves her and they divorce of their own choice that's great. But until that happens, if it ever does, stay away from him. There's only heartache ahead for you - and your children - if you pursue this. Haven't you and your kids been through enough?


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