# What is equal or the fair share?



## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

One spouse earns 60k a year, the other 30k. 

For the sake of this discussion the monthly household expenses are 3K. 

How should this be divided between the spouses? 
Equally?
Should it be based on the other earning 2x as much therefore contributing 2x as much to the expenses? 

What is a fair way to go about this?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> One spouse earns 60k a year, the other 30k.
> 
> For the sake of this discussion the monthly household expenses are 3K.
> 
> ...


So THEY earn 90k and the household expenses are 3k. That is all that needs to be known. There should be no, I earn this much so I get to spend this much discussion. They both work, they both earn a living. To me, the only time there is an issue with responsibilities is if one of the spouses is not working at all.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

gbrad said:


> So THEY earn 90k and the household expenses are 3k. That is all that needs to be known. There should be no, I earn this much so I get to spend this much discussion. They both work, they both earn a living. To me, the only time there is an issue with responsibilities is if one of the spouses is not working at all.


Thanks for the response. Are you saying that all the earnings go into a joint account and that's that? If you have time could you please expand on your comment. In other words there is x left over at the end of every month and then a discussion about what to spend the extra on?


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> Thanks for the response. Are you saying that all the earnings go into a joint account and that's that? If you have time could you please expand on your comment. In other words there is x left over at the end of every month and then a discussion about what to spend the extra on?


Exactly. Though, with my wife she isn't any good at budgeting/watching what she spends. She feels as if she makes money, she can spend money since there is some left over after bills. I manage the money, all the money, and try to save as much as possible once bills are paid. Sadly I can not count on saving the same amount each month since I never know how much she will spend. 
One account, that is a must. You pool it all and you pay expenses from there. There should be no, my money and your money talk. You are in it together.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I see two ways to go about this since I am the budgeter in my house.

Example 1. 

All earnings go to a joint account. Then the extra is split 3 ways. For this example we will just say monthly. First of the month 1/3 of the extra goes in his seperate account, 1/3 of the extra goes to her seperate account and the remaining 1/3 goes to a savings. He does what he wants with what's in his, she does what she wants with what's in hers, the money that is in savings doesn't get spent unless it is agreed on by both and the money remaining in the joint account is for bills.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Example 2.

We'll use the monthy example like before but of course it can be altered to fit to a weekly.

60k earner deposits 2k a month into joint bill account
30k earner deposits 1k a month into joint bill account

Then each person deposits/transfers 5% of their extra each month to savings and like before nothing gets spent out of savings without both agreeing to the purchase.

Anything left in each individual's account is at their discretion.

Both scenarios require 4 accounts.
1. His
2. Hers
3. Joint
4. Savings


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Honestly everything goes into 2 joint accts. Checking and savings. 
I earn alot more than her but she contributes in other ways. Our bills , our money.


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## bluelaser (May 26, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> How should this be divided between the spouses?
> Equally?
> Should it be based on the other earning 2x as much therefore contributing 2x as much to the expenses?
> 
> What is a fair way to go about this?


When you say 'divided' i'm going to assume you guys keep your money separate. In such a case splitting expenses can get tricky. You need some agreement with your spouse on who pays what. I would think the spouse that earns more picks up more bills that the one that makes less.

The problem lies with the money that gets leftover in that which spouse gets to spend it on their individual needs


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

joe kidd said:


> Honestly everything goes into 2 joint accts. Checking and savings.
> I earn alot more than her but she contributes in other ways. Our bills , our money.


BTW I just noticed the Soundgarden siggy Joe.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Example 2.
> 
> We'll use the monthy example like before but of course it can be altered to fit to a weekly.
> 
> ...


4 accounts is ridiculous. It should either be combined account or separate accounts. This has both. I will admit, the problem with that is that I see everything she spends, everything I don't spend and she sees nothing. She just spends what and when she wants to. It is important to get both people on the same page understanding the budget.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

gbrad said:


> 4 accounts is ridiculous. It should either be combined account or separate accounts. This has both. I will admit, the problem with that is that I see everything she spends, everything I don't spend and she sees nothing. She just spends what and when she wants to. It is important to get both people on the same page understanding the budget.


Not really. One of those accounts you never see (your spouses). With the way online banking works today. This is actually really easy.

With just seperate accounts you would have to do the "you pay this bill i pay that". With all the bill money going to one account, you could set up all your bills on autodrafts because with both you you making regular deposits in it, the money will always be there. Plus nothing else is getting spent out of that account. The frivilous spending is out of your seperate accounts so it eliminates accidentally spending too much and coming short for a bill.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

bluelaser said:


> When you say 'divided' i'm going to assume you guys keep your money separate. In such a case splitting expenses can get tricky. You need some agreement with your spouse on who pays what. I would think the spouse that earns more picks up more bills that the one that makes less.
> 
> The problem lies with the money that gets leftover in that which spouse gets to spend it on their individual needs


The expenses thus far have been split between us 50/50. We write them all down and go from there. Here is the issue I'm having thus far. I earn less than she does at the moment. At the end of the month I have not alot to show. In fact I'm damn near broke. She drives a new car, buys things for herself and the kids etc. 

Lately because my contributions have not been the 50% she has cut back on things like buying cream for coffee etc. However she has had no problem taking herself and the kids on a few little holidays (without me) as I can't afford to pay half the expenses. So although I'm making sacrifices to save money I see none of the benefits.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Example 2.
> 
> We'll use the monthy example like before but of course it can be altered to fit to a weekly.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the reply. If I understand you correctly you're saying the way to divide money and pay the bills is based on a ratio of earnings to bills. I like the idea of the joint and savings account too. Both the ideas you have presented make good sense to me. 
Thanks.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> The expenses thus far have been split between us 50/50. We write them all down and go from there. Here is the issue I'm having thus far. I earn less than she does at the moment. At the end of the month I have not alot to show. In fact I'm damn near broke. She drives a new car, buys things for herself and the kids etc.
> 
> Lately because my contributions have not been the 50% she has cut back on things like buying cream for coffee etc. However she has had no problem taking herself and the kids on a few little holidays (without me) as I can't afford to pay half the expenses. So although I'm making sacrifices to save money I see none of the benefits.


Is this a marriage? I don't get this kind of thinking within a marriage at all.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Thanks for the reply. If I understand you correctly you're saying the way to divide money and pay the bills is based on a *ratio of earnings to bills*. I like the idea of the joint and savings account too. Both the ideas you have presented make good sense to me.
> Thanks.


Yes because I always thought everything became "ours" once you married. But if there is still a need to have a "mine" (as in money) then then your percentage out should be equal to your percentage contributed to the total earned. I hope that makes sense. 

total earned 90k between the 2 spouses. One makes 60=2/3 the other makes 30=1/3 so the one that makes 60 is responsible for 2/3 of the bills and the one that makes 30 is responsible for 1/3. When I say bills I mean house note, car notes, utilities, cell phone. I think individual credit cards and such should be the responsibility of the one who's name is on it. 

Family vacations and such should probably be looked at in the same manner OR make that something that is saved for jointly in a saving's account.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Is this a marriage? I don't get this kind of thinking within a marriage at all.


The longer I have been on TAM the wider and wider my eyes are opening. I don't understand it either that's why I posed the question.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Don't get me wrong. I have seen it before in other marriages and didn't get it then either. Some of them filed taxes seperately and everything. We aren't talking super high income people either. Around the same numbers in your examples.

Are you serious that the reason you haven't gone on vacations with your wife and children before is because you couldn't afford to pay half? That just don't sound very loving.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Don't get me wrong. I have seen it before in other marriages and didn't get it then either. Some of them filed taxes seperately and everything. We aren't talking super high income people either. Around the same numbers in your examples.
> 
> Are you serious that the reason you haven't gone on vacations with your wife and children before is because you couldn't afford to pay half? That just don't sound very loving.


That is indeed the reason. The last trip to Disney Land I stayed at home because I had no money for the plane fare etc. Or more correctly needed the money for household expenses. I'm glad my kids went though.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

CanadianGuy said:


> That is indeed the reason. The last trip to Disney Land I stayed at home because I had no money for the plane fare etc. Or more correctly needed the money for household expenses. I'm glad my kids went though.


Oh my, this is not good. Not good at all. You seriously need to sit down and discuss this. There is no reason this should be tolerated. It is not you and me. It has to be, WE can or can not afford something. I am in a tough financial situation of my own, but I really feel for you here man. What happened to the phrase, "2 incomes are better than 1."


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I really don't know how to express how I feel about that in words. 

All I can say is is that would really hurt my feelings because 1. I would feel less wanted/loved plus I would be just as hurt that I didn't get to have that memory with my children.

This would not work for me at all.


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I don't think she has to experience any want in your relationship. 
She gets the perks and you make the sacrifices. Am I wrong?


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

I thank you for your kind words and inquiries into my personal situation. Yes for several years now that has been the norm. As far as her personal wants go yes she has had to sacrifice a few things but always finds money for the cut and color.  I on the other hand do not have enough money to go to the dentist. Even though we have a dental plan you always have to pay some %. 

Yes the disney land thing did hurt my feelings but I sucked it up. 

Back to the finances. HJaded. Within family expenses you say car notes. She has her own car and loan and pays that herself. 

I would welcome any ideas on how I can present this to her. I have asked, outlined, suggested, etc before but was met with stone wall resistance. It always seems to be her way and that's it. Besides flat out telling her what I will contribute ( which by the way she will find very disappointing and make me feel like I'm not contributing my fair share etc ) I am fresh out of ideas. She tells me she feels like the burden is all hers which I don't understand as I do contribute. I have suggested ways in which we could ease the financial pressure ( Mortgage one and other types of consolidation etc,) but she won't even look at it. We are not at all heavily in debt. Quite the contrary. What she fails to see is that I make serious adjustments in my life ( going to the dentist etc ) just to make her requirement of 50/50 when she earns twice what I do.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I am really not sure how to present it to her. Because no matter how you put it, to her it means giving up some of her "play" money. Was there a time when your earnings were closer to equal? Like when the 50/50 thing was put in place? Did your income decrease? It's almost like she is shaming you for making less. 
Somehow you got to her her into the us mentality rather than the me/you one. This is the arrangement of roommates where expenses are equal.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I am really not sure how to present it to her. Because no matter how you put it, to her it means giving up some of her "play" money. Was there a time when your earnings were closer to equal? Like when the 50/50 thing was put in place? Did your income decrease? It's almost like she is shaming you for making less.
> Somehow you got to her her into the us mentality rather than the me/you one. This is the arrangement of roommates where expenses are equal.


I realized back in 2007 that I had been contributing far more than she had. I could not understand how household expenses were over 5000 a month. I contributed more than 3k a month on occasion. I then realized that she had all the play money and was deciding on what and when it got spent. So while all my contributions went to real household costs such as daycare and groceries, she was buying portable pools and other stuff. I was struggling to do this by the way. I got myself into trouble with taxes in 2009 as I was contributing to the household more than I was earning during the economic downturn. When time came to pay I had no money. To make a long story short in NOV of 2011 I had to close my business that I had been operating for 14 years. Then I found a job, it has not been as lucrative as was suggested it would be by the owners of the company. I am still working but currently am seeking new employment.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

So there had been a change in income but she refuses to adjust to the change. There needs to be compromise.
There is a combination of control and selfishness going on. No way you should be sacrificing your healthcare either.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> So there had been a change in income but she refuses to adjust to the change. There needs to be compromise.
> There is a combination of control and selfishness going on. No way you should be sacrificing your healthcare either.


The change in income was mainly due to me waking up and telling her that it had to be a 50/50 split. As it was I was covering about 2,500 per month in real costs and she was covering about 1400. The rest she spent on whatever she pleased, but if there was a real household extra like fixing or replacing something that was my expense to bear. After all she just bought a pool or whatever. 

Even though she then earned more than I did. I was killing myself trying to keep up. I still am. As for the compromise I've been working on that to no avail. I am going to approach her with the suggestions you have provided. If you think of anymore let me know. Thanks Hjaded.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> I realized back in 2007 that I had been contributing far more than she had. I could not understand how household expenses were over 5000 a month. I contributed more than 3k a month on occasion. I then realized that she had all the play money and was deciding on what and when it got spent. So while all my contributions went to real household costs such as daycare and groceries, she was buying portable pools and other stuff. I was struggling to do this by the way. I got myself into trouble with taxes in 2009 as I was contributing to the household more than I was earning during the economic downturn. When time came to pay I had no money. To make a long story short in NOV of 2011 I had to close my business that I had been operating for 14 years. Then I found a job, it has not been as lucrative as was suggested it would be by the owners of the company. I am still working but currently am seeking new employment.


If you realized an imbalance back in 2007, why didn't you address it then? It sounds like she controls the $$$, based on some of your other threads, she controls the sex too. I think there is a lot going on here that indicates your marriage isn't really a partnership, certainly not an equal one. 

I would focus on the basics - what do each of you bring to the relationship and what do each of you get out of it? If you can't find common ground on the intangibles, than I don't think you have much of a chance with the finances, as I think the $$$ are just a symptom, not the problem.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

rj700 said:


> If you realized an imbalance back in 2007, why didn't you address it then? It sounds like she controls the $$$, based on some of your other threads, she controls the sex too. I think there is a lot going on here that indicates your marriage isn't really a partnership, certainly not an equal one.
> 
> I would focus on the basics - what do each of you bring to the relationship and what do each of you get out of it? If you can't find common ground on the intangibles, than I don't think you have much of a chance with the finances, as I think the $$$ are just a symptom, not the problem.


Thanks for the reply. I did address it back in 2007 as soon as I realized what was going on. At the time I should have looked at it more carefully and proposed several of the options now before me. I was so flabbergasted it was a bit of a knee jerk reaction. She does control the money and everything connected with it. She is also inflexible in her ideas towards it. Her money after bills is her money and what she does with it her choice. I thank you for reading some of my other threads. Yes she does control that aspect of the marriage too. She is very controlling about a lot of things. Even her friends joke about it with her.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

This is completely alien to me - for one partner to live a different standard of living than the other which is what OP's situation amounts to

I can't get my head around anything other than a system where all income is pooled and then any expenditure after the bills are paid is mutually agreed on, so much for saving, so much for personal spends, so much for holidays etc. It does not mean both partners have to have exactly the same, just that the general plan is agreed by both.

Not sure what the state of your relationship is when your wife can happily leave you behind for a family vacation. Obviously circumstances sometimes mean not everyone can go but that would be agreed. This wasn't. It was a dictate

Also, she is comfortable going on holidays when your medical needs are not met -again that's weird to me.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> One spouse earns 60k a year, the other 30k.
> 
> For the sake of this discussion the monthly household expenses are 3K.
> 
> ...


I can only say what works for my wife and I. I make significantly more than my wife does but I believe when we chose to marry that we chose to share income so it's all shared equally. Now it may not look that way though.

General concept is that we put money into every piece of the budget and then what's left over is shared at least in theory.

Our finances appear to be separate because we each have a checking accounts. I am on her account and she is on mine so each of us could do anything with either account if we wanted to. I think the reason we have separate accounts is purely a habit from before we were married and also I think it makes my wife feel more like she's contributing financially because she makes certain payments from her account. I know this seems contradictory. The key is that we are completely transparent.

I do feel like she thinks I should have more say over the finances because I make more money but I truly do not think so. I have no problem making financial decisions for us but not because I think I deserve to.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> This is completely alien to me - for one partner to live a different standard of living than the other which is what OP's situation amounts to
> 
> I can't get my head around anything other than a system where all income is pooled and then any expenditure after the bills are paid is mutually agreed on, so much for saving, so much for personal spends, so much for holidays etc. It does not mean both partners have to have exactly the same, just that the general plan is agreed by both.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply Yellow Roses. I am learning a lot about healthy or healthier relationships here. I discovered TAM as I was at the end of my rope and did not feel that there was anything left to salvage in the marriage. She would tell you that my medical needs are my responsibility. Which to a degree I see her point. I'm sure if it was an emergency it would be taken care of. ( I would owe her the money though  ) 

She really believes that our standard of living has all been through her efforts and that my contribution has been minimal at best. Which is simply untrue. The facts speak otherwise. For the last 10 months or so I have been unable to live up to my 50% contribution and that has put considerable strain on myself. I have some months been able too. However some months I have fallen 100 to 300 short. I have worked on compromises with her but her end answer is I need to make more. She urged me to take a second job.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> I can only say what works for my wife and I. I make significantly more than my wife does but I believe when we chose to marry that we chose to share income so it's all shared equally. Now it may not look that way though.
> 
> General concept is that we put money into every piece of the budget and then what's left over is shared at least in theory.
> 
> ...


Sorry for quoting myself.... 
I realize that how we do this would not work in many cases. It however has worked well for us I think because we think so similarly regarding finances. We are both pretty thrifty but not extreme. I think I've taken for granted that money has never been an arguing point for us.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Sorry for quoting myself....
> I realize that how we do this would not work in many cases. It however has worked well for us I think because we think so similarly regarding finances. We are both pretty thrifty but not extreme. I think I've taken for granted that money has never been an arguing point for us.


Thanks Thundarr,
She thinks because she makes more, she deserves too. We do have separate accounts. We do not have access to each others. I am working on proposals and of course applying for other work. You have given me some good ideas.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

If you were a long term low earner compared to your wife and not trying to pull your weight financially, I can see why she might have dug her heels in to try and make you change

However, what you describe is one of the not untypical 'downs' in life's 'ups and downs' and what couples are usually in together from my experience

Is she blaming you for your fall in income and punishing you accordingly ?

Plenty of my marriage was 'unhealthy' but the finances were pretty robust and never a source of dispute for us.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> If you were a long term low earner compared to your wife and not trying to pull your weight financially, I can see why she might have dug her heels in to try and make you change
> 
> However, what you describe is one of the not untypical 'downs' in life's 'ups and downs' and what couples are usually in together from my experience
> 
> ...


Short answer, no. This low income has only come about in the last year or so. It's not that low, just low compared to hers. I am a very hard worker and take this very seriously. In our younger years I helped put her through university when times were rough for her by working extra days. I am no slacker.


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## YellowRoses (Jun 2, 2012)

Exactly, as I thought

I have no fix for you though unless you can really go back to basics with her and rework your financial arrangements. It doesn't sound like she's receptive though.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

CanadianGuy said:


> Short answer, no. This low income has only come about in the last year or so. It's not that low, just low compared to hers. I am a very hard worker and take this very seriously.* In our younger years I helped put her through university when times were rough for her by working extra days.* I am no slacker.


Do you see the irony in that statement? That's what a partner is suppose to do and I bet you didn't think she owed you anything. By helping her through school it was an investment and your future together. But now that she earns more money because of that schooling, she basically looks down on you for making less and expects you to "do what it takes" to come up to her level because in her mine she's not going to pull what she perceives as "your weight" when most people would see it as "our weight". I could see her taking this attitude if you were a slacker and worked "when you felt like it" and such. But it sounds like you work like your suppose to and your income is just lower...period.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

buddy, eventually the karma bus is going to bite her in the rearend, i hope you remember her treatment of you.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

The person who makes more should pay for more expenses. I think this is fair.

However, the person who makes much less should still contribute by paying some bills. 

My husband manages the money because he is more talented with those things than I. We share whatever money we make despite not having joint accounts.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Do you see the irony in that statement? That's what a partner is suppose to do and I bet you didn't think she owed you anything. By helping her through school it was an investment and your future together. But now that she earns more money because of that schooling, she basically looks down on you for making less and expects you to "do what it takes" to come up to her level because in her mine she's not going to pull what she perceives as "your weight" when most people would see it as "our weight". I could see her taking this attitude if you were a slacker and worked "when you felt like it" and such. But it sounds like you work like your suppose to and your income is just lower...period.


I did not think she owed me anything monetarily speaking. Although the "thank you" was nice. And yes she does expect me to do what it takes to come up to her level. I have a full time job and do not work "when I feel like it".  It's been kinda bizzare having weekends off. When I was self-employed I worked all the time. Not every weekend but I'd say 50% of them in a year. I also do volunteer work as well. That usually takes up about 5 to 6hrs per week in the fall/winter/spring. Do I think she looks down on me? Yes I do.


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## MrsKy (May 5, 2012)

If your wife looks down on you because you make less, that shows issues with respect. Men are still expected to be providers in this day and age, but it isn't as if you just sit at home without working. 

My BIL makes less than his wife because he has his own business. She constantly talks about him being on her benefits and the income difference. I can't imagine how awful it must be for him to hear that.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

MrsKy said:


> If your wife looks down on you because you make less, that shows issues with respect. Men are still expected to be providers in this day and age, but it isn't as if you just sit at home without working.
> 
> My BIL makes less than his wife because he has his own business. She constantly talks about him being on her benefits and the income difference. I can't imagine how awful it must be for him to hear that.


That's about it around here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Smart Couples Finish Rich: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner"

The way you and your wife handle finances right now can only lead to a disaster.... as you can see.

My suggestion is that both of you have all of your income deposited into a joint account.

Pay yourselves first.. 10% goes into savings before you anything else.
Then all bills are paid, groceries are bought etc.

The remaining amount is split 50/50 so that each of you have some money for gas and spending.

All major financial issues are discussed and jointly agreed upon.

If you were to get a job that earns more than your wife, you can bet that she would want to change the current set-up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think the money during marriage should be divided like the courts will divide it afterwards:

totally 50-50.

You both put your money in the pot, the bills get paid, and both take equal amounts out to spend.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I think the money during marriage should be divided like the courts will divide it afterwards:
> 
> totally 50-50.
> 
> You both put your money in the pot, the bills get paid, and both take equal amounts out to spend.


This is exactly how it is done in my house BUT I can't really say much since I am a stay at home right now.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

The wage disparity between H and I is enormous. He makes decent money and I make a pittance, so I know that a 50/50 split on even our current lifestyle would not work well in our favour because I'd be in the red each month and he'd have a lot left over.

So I agree with people who have said it should all go in one joint account first, then out to savings next, then bills/household things. Then, if you and your wife both agree, the leftovers can be divided up depending on earning power - so if you have 1k extra per month, she'd get 2/3rds of it and you'd get 1/3rd. 

Personally I'd want leftovers split 50/50 but if you can't change her mindset about her 'deserving' more then it might be a fair enough compromise. And this means that no one needs to worry about all the bills being paid, and your savings can go towards retirement and/or 'family' vacations.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

CanadianGuy said:


> I did not think she owed me anything monetarily speaking. Although the "thank you" was nice. And yes she does expect me to do what it takes to come up to her level. I have a full time job and do not work "when I feel like it".  It's been kinda bizzare having weekends off. When I was self-employed I worked all the time. Not every weekend but I'd say 50% of them in a year. I also do volunteer work as well. That usually takes up about 5 to 6hrs per week in the fall/winter/spring. Do I think she looks down on me? Yes I do.


Not sure if you want to go here, but consider the following:

She does owe you repayment on the money you gave her for school, as well as any extra income that you earned and gave to her over the years. If her position is that the money she earns is her money, it needs to go both ways. If she expects you to pay her back when she floats you a loan, well again, sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.

Now of course, this will ratchet up the stress more than a little bit. Don't know if you want to do that, but her position certainly trips my sense of fairness meter.

(And if you really want to stir the pot, mention that divorce would result in her paying alimony to you.)


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not sure if you want to go here, but consider the following:
> 
> She does owe you repayment on the money you gave her for school, as well as any extra income that you earned and gave to her over the years. If her position is that the money she earns is her money, it needs to go both ways. If she expects you to pay her back when she floats you a loan, well again, sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the latest replies TD and TAG. She graduated from school almost 20 years ago. If I had wanted the money then I would have asked for it.  And yes I would be paid most likely child support and would get some of her pension when she retires among other things if we were ever to D. Although I'm older than she is so I may be dead by the time I collect it....

By being on TAM I have begun to unravel issues that I was unclear about before. That feeling you get when you sense something is amiss but just can't put your finger on it or define it. The money issue has always been a big one for her so I thought I'd pose the question.


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## husbandfool (May 20, 2012)

What I would do is that you each have your own discretionary income and the rest goes into one joint accoint. All the household bills are paid out of the joint account. This includes things like car repair as well.

So, each month you each have a certain amount of money that you can use whatever way you want .. for hobbies, golf with the buddies, etc. The keey is that you can each use it for your personal reasosn and don't need to seek approval.

The tricky part is agreeing on what those monthly amounts are.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is a great thread. I like reading all the opinions and I have had similar issues in my second marriage. She was the big bread winner. We split household bills down the middle. I never had much left over, especially while I was still paying child support but, I never had much money to buy her things like I wanted. I blamed it all on myself and it lowered my self worth to the point that I became depressed and that contributed to our demise as well.

Guess this is tough no matter who you are.


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## mfriend2012 (Dec 5, 2012)

YellowRoses said:


> This is completely alien to me - for one partner to live a different standard of living than the other which is what OP's situation amounts to
> 
> I can't get my head around anything other than a system where all income is pooled and then any expenditure after the bills are paid is mutually agreed on, so much for saving, so much for personal spends, so much for holidays etc. It does not mean both partners have to have exactly the same, just that the general plan is agreed by both.
> 
> ...


Exactly this. Wow. We have money troubles, but we definitely go on family vacations together and have the same standard of living. My husband is the main wage earner but even if it were flipped there is no way I would think about going on a family vacation with kids without him or vice versa. We would either pick a cheaper vacation or not go. For all our troubles, we still do the family finances together.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I know this probably sounds sexist, but all I can think of is ....

What if the husband did this to his wife? 

I am taking the kids to Disneyland, but since you can't afford it, you can't come.

This is so wrong!!!! It is just as wrong for a wife to do this to her husband as it is for a husband to do it to a wife.


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