# definitely divorcing, but then again maybe not



## spritza (Feb 16, 2010)

so finally I've made the decision after years of floundering that I don't want to be married to him any longer. After several "chats" with husband, he says he doesn't want a divorce. Therefore end of all divorce discussions. He seriously thinks he can change his disrespectful attitude to me and the kids overnight! He works away 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off and I now dread when he comes home. I guess I left the divorce conversation with him too late as essentially I've made my decision and have no interest in continuing our relationship as husband and wife. We have 3 kids under 8 and the last week that he was home he was a nice guy (somewhat similar to the guy I married!). He refuses to listen to me regarding divorce and simply says he'll try harder. I have been asking/telling him to be nice to us for at least 3 years so I doubt he will change overnight (or in the two weeks till he's home again). Admittedly I have not pushed any further on the divorce talk as he then chucks a tantrum and/or starts crying about his family being broken up. NOW I feel guilty as I an no longer one person, I am me plus three little kids. A divorced friend is also pushing me to stay married as "he is SO in love with me" - he acts nice when she's around. I hate to consider what my financial situation will be like once I do manage to split but hate that I have this conflict of feeling selfish in wanting a divorce. I also figure that I'll have to move out of the house for the two weeks he's home as he won't move out.

I hate how now I'm wracked with guilt and thinking I should just grin and bear it for the kids sake. I guess no-one but me can make the final judgement call, but at 40 I feel I still have a life to live and currently I'm just going through the motions. 

your thoughts please.....


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## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

spritza
I am a husband who essentially did not pay attention to my wifes wants and feelings. We often had talks, but nothing ever registered. I recently found out about my sex addiction,(not saying that is what your husband has though), which helped give a reason for the way i acted. I was really really selfish, and looked for my needs above my wifes. But, I have a bunch of other threads written up about that. The reason i am telling you is this. Last year my wife gave us 1 more year togethor. Well, it is now about 2 and a half months away. i thought i had been changing, and fixing the situation. But i was wrong. 2 weeks ago, i found out about my addiction. I saw the light. I saw how I was, and how i treated her. I felt like ****. I have seen how i was, and i didn't like who i was. So i have been changing. I have had more focus on my family, and am waiting to try to focus more on my wife. She is still hurt from how i was, and says she needs time to decide if she wants to continue to try. we also have 3 children. I only saw how i was when we went to a marriage counseler. Have you guys seen a therapist? 
His feelings in changing might be for real. I don't if he is, but he needs to be committed. I am currently seeing therapists, and going to group meetings. I am making the priorities in my life my family and not me. 
Do you think that is his new thougths? is he open to seeing a marriage counseler?
because i am in a similar situation, i would suggest giving him time. But he needs to do more than just say he will change. He has to prove it. and get help.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Spritza,

Don't totally discount that he is trying to change. Fundamental change takes time. I understand that you are wary of him staying "changed". You need to help reinforce his positive changes as well. Just sitting back without any acknowledgement won't help him maintain the course.

I know you are tired and are on your last leg, but give it another go. I ask you that as one who changed, but did too late for my w. I imagine she felt like you and that knowledge of the hurt I caused will be with me forever. In the end she expected change overnight because of where she was at with her pain and unfortunately true change does take time.


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## spritza (Feb 16, 2010)

we went to marriage counselling about 18 months ago but the counsellor was a joke (both our opinions) and so we gave up about 6 sessions in. I am seeing a new psychiatrist though and hopefully can get some input from him. During one of our divorce talks I told my husband that when your wife asks you to go to marriage counselling, you need to know she's thinking divorce. I suffered with ante-natal and post-natal depression (3 kids so I guess that's 6 bouts of depression) and I am now "normal" and am managed with medication. There have been no affairs and though I may be excited by the thought of a new sex partner (and hey, after 18 years of monogamy who wouldn't be?) find I have no attraction to my husband. truth be told I'm sick of being the one to make all the decisions in life, big and small.

just thought I'd clarify....


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Why is it always the one who wants to leave who is being selfish? Isn't the person who has refused to listen for years truly the selfish one? All of the leavers are blamed for being the ones "breaking up the family," but often those are the people who have tried and tried to hold it together and have finally, finally, finally reached a point of no return. 

If you are done and know you tried what you could, then leave without guilt--yes, without guilt. Your dh needs to let you go at this point and make it easy on the kids, because otherwise HE will be the selfish one. You have sacrificed enough of your happiness to him; time for him to be the one to suck it up and make the sacrifice. An amicable divorce is no disaster for kids--yeah, it can be tough but honestly, most people who don't want to be left GREATLY exaggerate the impact in defense of their own selfish ends. And then b/c they are angry at the leaver, they do things that make it HARDER on the kids than it needs to be. Remember, kids living in a household with an unhappy marriage are suffering, too, and pretty much all the time. One stable, happy, loving and focused parent at least gives the kids 50% of their time in a much healthier environment. I cannot get over the improvement in my kids since my divorce; I don't think I had any idea how much the environment in our household was affecting them (and me). And our relationship was not antagonistic--we were just totally disconnected from each other. Very little open conflict, but the underlying tension--now that it is gone--was having a big impact. My kids are so much happier, frankly. I had no idea the the price THEY were paying for living in a household like that. And they KNOW and SAY they are happier, too. 

Do not feel bad about choosing to end your "sacrifice." That is not being selfish; it's refusing to be a doormat anymore. If standing up for what you need means leaving, do it. And do not get pulled into anger or guilt--go with a clean conscious and focus on what really makes you and your kids happy, and you will all be better off.


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