# Family v. Fiance



## carolina2011 (Dec 20, 2011)

I must warn everyone that this post may be a bit lengthy, but I would really appreciate some input.

I am 28, my boyfriend is 29. We’ve known each other/been friends for 14 years. Growing up, we were total opposites: he was the partier, dropped out of school, got in a lot of trouble w/the law; and I was the goody goody, straight A’s, never got in trouble, college grad. I was engaged to what turned out to be a really bad guy a few years ago, and broke up with him last year. My bf and I had a fling a few years ago, and I fell for him really hard and never got over him. It so happened that I ran into his mom while I was still engaged, and she told me to call him. I waited a couple of months before doing so. He kept asking me out, and I told him no. We finally ran into each other one night, and he ended up kissing me and telling me how he had missed me. We agreed to give it another shot. This was a little over a year ago, and he just proposed a few nights ago. I have been so ridiculously in love with him for so long, getting to marry him is a dream come true. I am the happiest I’ve ever been.

My fiancé has been in a lot of trouble over the past 10 years (however, no drug charges, felonies, thefts, or sex crimes. Just dumb stuff he’s done while drunk). About a month ago, we got into a pretty bad argument at a bar. We were the only ones outside and the next thing we knew, someone had run out of the bar and proceeded to beat the hell out of him, fracturing his face and leaving him with 5 stitches. Evidently, the guy thought my bf had hit me, when in fact, he never laid a hand on me. Someone else even agreed that from the angle we were at, and b/c it was dark and they were drunk, it looked like he might have hit me. The cops were called, and b/c state law says that if it’s even suspected, they have to arrest him and charge him with CDV. I was devastated. He got out the next morning on bond and has retained a lawyer, who said the case is a slam dunk. 

I didn’t tell my parents about it b/c they always tell me I stress them out b/c they hate the fact that I live w/my bf. I didn’t see any point in bringing this up, b/c there was nothing to worry about, b/c nothing happened, and I knew it would just stress them out. My sister saw it on the online crime blotter (she hates my bf) and asked me about it. She swore she wouldn’t tell our parents b/c of the stress it would bring. Our dad is in remission from cancer, and I am constantly told by my mom that I stress him out with my stupid decisions. My dad told me a few months ago that he and I would end up having a falling out if I chose to stay with my bf. My dad won’t even meet him. My mom has liked him up to this point and was really supportive of our engagement. 

Yesterday, everything blew up. My mom e-mailed me at work accusing me of living a lie and that I was crazy and stupid to stay with my fiancé, and that he was trash and will never be welcome in their home or in the family. I have always been close w/my family, always done whatever was needed to make them happy (which was my mistake). I’ve always sought their approval and have never really gotten it. Nothing I’ve done makes them happy. My mom goes back and forth, either I’m a stupid, ungrateful brat who constantly makes bad decisions and is with a bad guy, or I’m a wonderful, smart daughter who is with a great man. My mom told me via email that she is done. My sister is of no help whatsoever. I emailed my mom telling her that 1) she never even asked if I was okay, she just called me names and put me down; 2) I tried explaining to her what actually happened, and she said she didn’t care, that he’s trash anyway; 3) I let her know that I am staying w/my fiancé and that they can be involved or not.....that’s their decision. My fiancé has two sons, and I am very excited to be their stepmom. I told my mom they could be her step-grandchildren, or not. It’s up to her. I also told her that I am very hurt that she would just assume such horrible things about my fiancé, and that she would think so little of me that I would be with a man who beat me. I’ve already been through that w/my ex, and I learned my lesson. I love my fiancé so much. I don’t have a ring yet, but he got me a beautiful house that we are moving into in a few weeks. The ring will come later. I know my parents won’t pay for a wedding, so we’re talking about going to the courthouse. 

The light has finally come on that I need to stop worrying about their approval and start living my own life. My fiancé is incredibly supportive and knows that this hurts me a lot. We have great friends who are very excited for us, and his family is supportive as well. Since I’ve been with my fiancé, I haven’t asked my parents for financial support. He and I work as a team to get what we need/want. I know they have control issues and it drives them crazy if I go for days without visiting (we live about 15 min from them). They won’t call me, and then complain that they never hear from me. My sister likes to stir the pot, and hates the fact that I’m not at her beck and call anymore, so she says that my fiancé has changed me and she resents him for that. He’s not welcome at her house. He’s fine with this, b/c he sees how two-faced and manipulative she really is. 

This will be the first Christmas I won’t spend with my parents, and it makes me really sad. They refuse to acknowledge how happy I am with my fiancé, and just want to dwell on the bad decisions he’s made in his past. I have no idea what to do. I know I have to stand my ground with them, and this is the first time I’ve felt strong enough to. But, it still hurts. Both of my parents are in therapy, and they have even told me that they don’t have a problem with my sister (who chose drugs and men over us time after time, but is now married)......they just have a problem with me. I’ve told them that their issues aren’t mine, and I’m happy with my life, but they don’t seem to care.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

carolina2011 said:


> I must warn everyone that this post may be a bit lengthy, but I would really appreciate some input.
> 
> I am 28, my boyfriend is 29. We’ve known each other/been friends for 14 years. Growing up, we were total opposites: he was the partier, dropped out of school, got in a lot of trouble w/the law; and I was the goody goody, straight A’s, never got in trouble, college grad. Sometimes people grow out of their wild child days. I was engaged to what turned out to be a really bad guy a few years ago, and broke up with him last year.Good!  My bf and I had a fling a few years ago, and I fell for him really hard and never got over him. It so happened that I ran into his mom while I was still engaged, and she told me to call him. I waited a couple of months before doing so. He kept asking me out, and I told him no.Why? Was your intuition telling you to stay away? We finally ran into each other one night, and he ended up kissing me and telling me how he had missed me. We agreed to give it another shot. This was a little over a year ago, and he just proposed a few nights ago. I have been so ridiculously in love with him for so long, getting to marry him is a dream come true. I am the happiest I’ve ever been. Congratulations!:smthumbup:
> 
> ...


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## carolina2011 (Dec 20, 2011)

Edit: In regard to his alleged CDV: I talked to the police that night, and they said that even though I claimed nothing happened, there was no mark or evidence that anything had actually happened, there was someone who simply thought they had seen something, and according to state law, that is actually enough to arrest and charge him. Even the police said they wanted to let him go home, but they had to go by the books. My family is not used to anyone getting arrested (except for my sister, who has two DUI's), so this would have/is freaking them out. They also worry more about what other people think than the truth. 

My fiance doesn't drink every day. He has made some bad decisions (i.e., stupid bar fights) while drunk, but he's paid his dues. He admits when he screws up and takes responsiblity for his actions. 

Also, we are paying for our wedding. We discussed that months ago. We are planning on a small beach wedding. But, I'm actually at the point where I don't care. I just want to marry him. My dream of being his wife definitely outweighs my dream of a wedding.

I admit, it has taken me awhile to cut the cord. My mom has a tendency to try to buy me I guess....if she sees I'm in a bad spot, she'll just throw money at it, but she always turns it around at some point and throws it back in my face. Accepting financial help from her was my fault and my mistake. My fiance and I both work full-time, so we are taking care of our own bills. My ex used to encourage me taking money from my mom so he wouldn't have to work as hard to help pay the bills. Like I said, a really bad guy. 

I've talked to a few of my friends, and even my coworkers, about my family's reaction, and they are all very angry about it. They are giving us nothing but their love and support, which means a lot. I just wish I could have the same from my family. But, you're right, I can't make them care. Life is way too short to try to please others.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

The biggest problem I see is that it sounds like he is drinking too much - Getting in arguments when drunk. Going to bars and getting drunk with buddies. At 29, he is old enough where he shouldn't be doing this as often as it sounds he does.

What does he do for a living? Has he been able to keep a job and progress in a career?


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## carolina2011 (Dec 20, 2011)

He has recognized that his drinking has gotten him into some trouble, so he's cut way back. We both have. If we go out and drink, it's with dinner, and we don't get stupid about it. We have let our bar hopping days go and are focused on the future. 

He is a certified electrician and makes excellent money. He has been working with a private company for the past 7 years. He also does side jobs on his days off to make extra money, and is setting up a carpentry/furniture business, since our new house will have a good-sized workshop.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

carolina2011 said:


> Edit: In regard to his alleged CDV: I talked to the police that night, and they said that even though I claimed nothing happened, there was no mark or evidence that anything had actually happened, there was someone who simply thought they had seen something, and according to state law, that is actually enough to arrest and charge him. Even the police said they wanted to let him go home, but they had to go by the books. My family is not used to anyone getting arrested (except for my sister, who has two DUI's), so this would have/is freaking them out. They also worry more about what other people think than the truth. How come your family is so understanding to your sister? Sounds like you are the family scapegoat.
> 
> My fiance doesn't drink every day. He has made some bad decisions (i.e., stupid bar fights) while drunk, but he's paid his dues. He admits when he screws up and takes responsiblity for his actions. At least he takes responsibility. For your sake and for his, I hope that the bar fights stop.
> 
> ...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's usually around age 30 that people finally reach the level of maturity needed to see that they no longer have to follow 'family plans.' That's when they start to question doing things just to make people happy. Now's your time. Start your new life with your fiance; if they come along, fine; if not, then you'll know they don't truly have your best interests at heart. Maybe their therapists will help them see that.

I will ask you, however, to consider that it may be time to start finding other things to do with each other than go to bars. Now's a great time to sign up for leisure learning classes together, or start going to the gym together, stuff like that. Get away from the alcohol; tell him you expect him to, too.


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