# Its Over but he won't accept it



## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

HI 
really needing urgent help.just want to explain my situation...so I'm from australia in a city called Brisbane, I'm 41 overweight and the mother of a two year old and not employed, have been out of work for two years due to mental illness or a relapse in my depression.I've had depression and anxiety since 23 years old.I married this time some three years ago.I met my husband a 35 year old when I was 36 and out of another long term relationship that ended very badly(never gotten over it).We started dating in late 2010..My husband has a memory issue or short term memory problems that he never told me about when he started dating me he hid his problems very well, so now sometime into this marriage thee years to be exact it has just about broken us.AS of last wednesday i stopped talking to him after he lost his 3rd job in under four months.Hes losing jobs because he has memory issues.

Two years ago while I was giving birth he was made redundant by his long term employer of five years and ever since then has been in the wilderness so to speak..in out of a bout 6 to 7 jobs in the two years never passing the probation period in jobs, we are now facing no money to pay rent and nappies and food and the list goes on...His family is a mixed up bunch who are not true siblings they are half brothers and sisters of him and have wiped their hands of him his mother who i despise also offers no assistance.His few brothers and sisters are living it up going on O/S trips sand travelling and they have kids.My parents and small family only one sister who ignores me is all I have and they are in their 70's and have done all they can to help but cannot help any longer as they are pensioners.

I have repeatedly told my husband I want to separate but he is not leaving the unit we live in.I told him its over and I can't take the job losses and the crap any longer.He has never taken me on a holiday we don't go anywhere we just sit in this depressing dark unit with a screaming two year old.I want more from my life and have decided to leave but he won't pack his stuff and leave... I found the place we live in and I am not leaving.I haven't spoken to him in a week and we just live in separate bedrooms.My child turns two on sunday and I don't want to celebrate anymore as I feel my life is in ruins.
Yes some may say I should have gotten a job but childcare is expensive in australia and I also have had the relapse in my depression that has continued from falling pregnant in 2013.I am seeing doctors for it but its treatment resistant.

PLEASE what on earth can I do to get him to leave, I don't love him anymore and we have no connection but the child. I have had enough and I am so flat and tired and depressed from having to deal with him our time together is over and theres no way back.:crying:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

sad2016 said:


> HI
> really needing urgent help.just want to explain my situation...so I'm from australia in a city called Brisbane, I'm 41 overweight and the mother of a two year old and not employed, have been out of work for two years due to mental illness or a relapse in my depression.I've had depression and anxiety since 23 years old.I married this time some three years ago.I met my husband a 35 year old when I was 36 and out of another long term relationship that ended very badly(never gotten over it).We started dating in late 2010..My husband has a memory issue or short term memory problems that he never told me about when he started dating me he hid his problems very well, so now sometime into this marriage thee years to be exact it has just about broken us.AS of last wednesday i stopped talking to him after he lost his 3rd job in under four months.
> 
> Two years ago while I was giving birth he was made redundant by his long term employer of five years and ever since then has been in the wilderness so to speak..in out of a bout 6 to 7 jobs in the two years never passing the probation period in jobs, we are now facing no money to pay rent and nappies and food and the list goes on...His family is a mixed up bunch who are not true siblings they are half brothers and sisters of him and have wiped their hands of him his mother who i despise also offers no assistance.His few brothers and sisters are living it up going on O/S trips sand travelling and they have kids.My parents and small family only one sister who ignores me is all I have and they are in their 70's and have done all they can to help but cannot help any longer as they are pensioners.
> ...


*Consult with a legal aid attorney for the indigent as soon as you possibly can!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

anybody else suggest what i do?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Not sure about the laws in Australia, but in the US, if his name is on the lease you don't get to kick him out unless you have a court order to that effect.

I get that you don't have money. How are you surviving now? How would your situation improve if he were gone?


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Along the lines of what Pluto said, I'll echo, if Australia is anything like here, he doesn't have to go until some form of court order. So if you want him gone, file separation/divorce.


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## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> Not sure about the laws in Australia, but in the US, if his name is on the lease you don't get to kick him out unless you have a court order to that effect.
> 
> I get that you don't have money. How are you surviving now? How would your situation improve if he were gone?


i can get on with my life, apply for single parent pension i've been getting food help from my 72 year old mum...if he were gone my life would get better i've basically ran his life since day 1 of meeting him, i'm not his mother i'm supposed to be his wife...hes a man child.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

sad2016 said:


> i can get on with my life, apply for single parent pension i've been getting food help from my 72 year old mum...if he were gone my life would get better i've basically ran his life since day 1 of meeting him, i'm not his mother i'm supposed to be his wife...hes a man child.


Ah well, then you need to stop mothering him. Stop taking care of his world and behave as you would if he were not there. Don't cook for him, don't do his laundry. Hand him his bills.
When couples face something like infidelity, posters often suggest they do the 180, here's a link.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/]

Its a way to allow one spouse to stop focusing on the wayward spouse and focus on themselves. Doing it long enough allows you to start detaching from the relationship. Sometimes, the wayward spouse notices and changes their behavior, and sometimes they don't. In your case, it may help you and your H detach from each other. But I bet he will make some noises about his displeasure with your behavior. 

So I would suggest you form your boundaries. Tell him you are planning to leave and until that time these are the things you will no longer take care of for him. Then stick to your list. Either he will improve his behavior to get you to stop (unlikely), or the walking out the door will come more quickly for you both.

I believe all you have to do is tell him you want a divorce and as long as you're not staying in the same bed, poof, you're separated. But please go seek some local legal help.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Neither one of you is working and you want the relationship to end and all you say is "he must leave because I found the place".

It doesn't matter that you found the place, if you want to separate then you need to leave.

You get a job and he can watch the child. 

You blame your depression as to why you cannot work but you blame his memory loss for the reasons he cannot work.

You employ a double standard where things are ok for you but not for him.


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## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

perol said:


> Neither one of you is working and you want the relationship to end and all you say is "he must leave because I found the place".
> 
> It doesn't matter that you found the place, if you want to separate then you need to leave.
> 
> ...


you don't get it here is a 35 36 yr old man expecting me to run his life whilst I have a child to raise that in five years has never taken me on a holiday never taken me out for dinner never had any initiative to treat me right..DAMN well I'll use double standards...mental illness is a killer he could of be rehabilitated but he chose to act like all was normal when it wasn't.he can't work a normal job but chose to pretend that he was normal like the rest of us.I'm the victims here not him!


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Ok well then back to your main question which is what can you do to make him leave.

I know that one method commonly used is that the woman goes in front of a judge and says she's scared of her husband and wants a protective order and that gets him evicted from the house, if only temporarily but then the woman can file to make it permanent along with a divorce filing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sad2016 said:


> you don't get it here is a 35 36 yr old man expecting me to run his life whilst I have a child to raise that in five years has never taken me on a holiday never taken me out for dinner never had any initiative to treat me right..DAMN well I'll use double standards...mental illness is a killer he could of be rehabilitated but he chose to act like all was normal when it wasn't.he can't work a normal job but chose to pretend that he was normal like the rest of us.I'm the victims here not him!


What does ANY of this have to do with you having a man in your home who's legally entitled to live there but whom you want out?

Answer: Nothing.

It's time to grow up and make a grownup choice. Since you can't make HIM do ANYTHING, it must be YOU who makes a change. If you're that miserable.


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## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> What does ANY of this have to do with you having a man in your home who's legally entitled to live there but whom you want out?
> 
> Answer: Nothing.
> 
> It's time to grow up and make a grownup choice. Since you can't make HIM do ANYTHING, it must be YOU who makes a change. If you're that miserable.


TIME To grow up??? what are you on about I'm very GROWN up thank you very much...All I know is that I deserve better and my son does as well, keeping his father around isn't going to make things any better.WHY should I pack up all my son's belongings and my own and hit the streets? Its him that should go he's the ONE that has let me down and let his son down.WHERES your EMPATHY?


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Many of us have been in dysfunctional relationships, some of us in abusive relationships, although everyone is clearly different. We, eventually, realized that nothing we did would change our partner. We do not control other people. And so, the only way our situations improved was when WE made them change. 

Don't confuse tough love with a lack of empathy. If we had no empathy for your plight we would not respond. The best thing that can happen is for you to take control and charge of your life. 

Your H won't take you on holiday. Gee, that's selfish.
How about you become a more resilient person so that you take yourself on a holiday and send him a postcard so he sees what he missed.


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

sad2016 said:


> WHY should I pack up all my son's belongings and my own and hit the streets? Its him that should go he's the ONE that has let me down and let his son down.


You don't have to take your son with you when you leave.

You're the one who wants out, it makes sense that you are the one to leave.

You say he let you and your son down- how- by not providing? Well neither are you. He has short term memory issues which stop him from keeping a job- that is beyond his control. You have depression which prevents you from working, you say that is beyond your control. You continue to apply a double standard, what's ok for you is not ok for hubby. He's satisfied with things the way they are, you are not, each of you contributes roughly equally, so there's no more reason for him to leave than you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sad2016 said:


> TIME To grow up??? what are you on about I'm very GROWN up thank you very much...All I know is that I deserve better and my son does as well, keeping his father around isn't going to make things any better.WHY should I pack up all my son's belongings and my own and hit the streets? Its him that should go he's the ONE that has let me down and let his son down.WHERES your EMPATHY?


My empathy is for people who take charge of their own lives instead of just blaming the person causing the distress. If you deserve better (and I believe you do), DO something about it. 

You can't make him move. So stop spinning your wheels trying to MAKE him move. That is not a mature step to take. 

Figuring out what you CAN have control over and then taking THOSE steps is. 

He won't leave. You don't want to be around him. Therefore the place you are living is NOT going to allow you to not be around him.

You can stomp your feet and say 'but this should be MY place' all you want, but it won't change your situation one bit. 

Will it?


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

turnera said:


> You can stomp your feet and say 'but this should be MY place' all you want, but it won't change your situation one bit.
> 
> Will it?


Well if she stomped her feet long enough and hard enough and the floor isn't up to standards she could theoretically find herself in her own place one floor down.

Ok that was bad


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## sad2016 (Oct 6, 2015)

perol said:


> Well if she stomped her feet long enough and hard enough and the floor isn't up to standards she could theoretically find herself in her own place one floor down.
> 
> Ok that was bad


I really think you are rude and the most horrid person how dare yu make a comment as hurtful and rude as that...big KEYBOARD WARRIOR 

hope you feel BIG!!! lowlife!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sad, we're just trying to shake you out of your 'comfort pattern' - the thing you do because it's what you're used to and what makes you feel good about yourself. Our comfort patterns are rarely HELPFUL to us, because it's what has led us to the unhappy situation in the first place. A lot of us blame everyone else and don't look at what WE are doing, because that way (1) we don't have to admit that WE could have a hand in our problem and (2) we don't have to do the scary work of CHANGING.

The bottom line is this: What you HAVE been doing is not working, is it? So do something DIFFERENT.

You can't change another person. You can't make another person care about what YOU care about. You can't make another person understand your side. All of that is futile and, yes, juvenile, because it's just doing what you did as a child - waiting for the adult to come in the room and fix everything. But that's YOU now. It's up to YOU to fix everything. And that starts with understanding that NOBODY is going to fix your situation but YOU. And THAT starts with understanding you can't.make.him.move.

Once you throw that possibility out, you can then look at the OTHER choices you have. Like moving yourself. If you have any other options we don't know about, feel free to share them, but I can't think of any.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

How are you guys able to pay the rent, utilities, food now when neither of you have jobs? I'm not familiar with Australia and what assistance is available there.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I'm with Turnera. I have empathy for people in bad situations, and I'm not saying you aren't in a bad situation, but from what you've described, your husband doesn't sound like a horrible guy and it sounds like you aren't contributing much either. It sounds like your husband has some issues that aren't his fault (his memory issues), just as you do too (your depression issues). You say that he hid his memory issues from you... but I think that's a pretty common thing, and certainly wouldn't have been done with any evil intent. I mean, if I have a really bad breath problem, I'm going to have mints and breath fresheners on me at all times if I am dating or seeing someone. Does that make me a bad person? A liar?

I get the feeling that one of the reasons your husband hasn't taken you on vacations or out to dinner much is probably because of his employment issues. That will make the finances pretty tight, and probably make him nervous to spend much money on luxuries. Plus, I imagine losing jobs so frequently really takes a toll on his self confidence and emotional well being as well, probably feeling like he is failing you both as a father and husband despite his efforts. Heck, the fact that he keeps getting new jobs tells me that he is probably trying, when some people might just give up and fall into depression.

So I have a few questions for you:

1. You mention you haven't been working because of your depression. Most people can't just decide not to work for the rest of their lives because of depression. So have you been doing to overcome and/or manage the depression so that you can go back to work? Have you gone on medication? Been seeing a therapist?
2. You also mention that raising your child has kept you home. If your husband is having employment issues due to a memory problem that he likely can't fix medically, doesn't it make more sense for you to get a job and let him raise the child? Or put the child in daycare while you go to work, and he continues to find a job he can do?
3. If you really truly are dead set on divorce, then why not just file for divorce? I don't know the laws in AU, but I'm guessing at some point a court would order one of you out of the "unit". Plus, since you mention that your husband is unemployed, isn't it a little unrealistic to expect him to find a new place to live with no money?
4. Since you mentioned specifically being overweight, what have you been doing to correct that problem? Again, are you in therapy? Are you making efforts to eat better and exercise to get healthier for the sake of your child and husband or future husband?


Again, we're not trying to be rude, or criticize or ridicule here... you just seem to be doing a lot of blaming, even though there is a lot of signs that you haven't been taking very much responsibility either. I think answering some of the questions above might help clear that up?


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