# Could I get some mens' opinions?



## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Hey, I was wondering if I could get some insight. I've been dating a guy for a year and 4 months now. Before this he'd never been in a relationship for even a year. He was always in and out of relationships and when we met he thought it was going to be another fling but it turned into more pretty quickly. He fell head over heels (as I did) and took me to look at engagement rings and was talking about kids early on. I was in shock but digging it. We got into a routine of spending pretty much every day at his house but I never moved in. 

Now he's getting stressed and having ups and downs and unsure and has said that maybe it is cold feet but that he doesn't think he's ready for this relationship. That when he gets married that is it relationship-wise and he believes that you don't mess around after that and he doesn't want to mess up so...he needs a break (is this to mess up a little first?). He said this will be like a test for us...that I am the girl he wanted to find all along but now that he found me he doesn't know what to do next...that he doesn't feel fully like a man yet...

so I told him I needed to get all my stuff out of his place and for him to call me if he feels like it. He was a little bothered that I wasn't going to call him but I don't think he'll figure out whether his dissatisfaction is related to his job...himself...or our relationship if I don't get out of the picture for some time. He said that ideally we would date and work on our communication and see if we can be friends without the random sex and without just spending all (or any) time bumming around at home. And we actually have gone on a lot of interesting dates but still...we were together 24/7 except for work and sleep. I told him I'd be up for going out and doing something and for him to just give me a call. 

So after I packed up my stuff and left we spent the next day not contacting each other at all and it was so hard for me to sleep that night. I got a couple of texts from his first thing the next morning (it was like a defibrillator on my heavy heart) and his texts said sorry to bother me but he just hopes I have an amazing week and he misses me and he has been thinking about me a lot and hopes everything is ok. So I just responded with, "thank you!!!" because i was grateful that he shocked my broken heart back to life and I kept it short because I was afraid to let his words comfort me too much in case he was just writing that out of sadness and guilt even though maybe he's trying to get over us so he can be free of this relationship. 

Now it has been a week since we started this break (he didn't want to give it a name or call it a break or a breakup or anything...). and even though I know I need to be focusing on myself (and I'm doing a lot of reading and learning and trying to make sure I never fall back into a relationship where I am SO dependent on someone to keep my heart alive again) I am still waiting to hear my phone ring and wondering if I should have any hope that he will come back to me. I don't know if the, "no contact," rules should really apply here since he held me and cried with me and told me he loved me and that he would call me when we were parting last week. 

Is no contact (until he contacts me first) the only way to keep my dignity? Because if I keep giving him assurance when he's not 100%...I feel like we'll keep repeating the same problem. Thank you for any manly input you can offer.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wow, this guy is commitment phobic he won't even commit to calling this break up a break up? Are you SURE you want this man? His history shows over and over that he sabotages relationships. Until he figures out that he has being doing this, and why he does this, he will continue to do this.

Absolutely do not contact him and when you respond be warm, be genuine, but don't be a starving puppy!

Set a time limit. If he hasn't gotten his head out of his ass by...2 weeks from now (or what ever time limit you want to give him) end this and move on.

I know you're sad and that this hurts. Next time don't get involved with a man who is afraid of committing himself and sabotages relationships to ensure no commitment can take place.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*laroo: Sorry to see you going through this, but if you are going to inject your terms into this relationship, then he needs to know that you mean business and the two of you need to go see a counselor together prior to getting married.

And if he subsequently balks at any of your demands or requests, then you need to drop him like a bad habit!

He's picking the wrong time to be exhibiting his latent insecurities! You deserve far far better than that!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Don't marry him. This will not get better with time.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Wow, this guy is commitment phobic he won't even commit to calling this break up a break up? Are you SURE you want this man? His history shows over and over that he sabotages relationships. Until he figures out that he has being doing this, and why he does this, he will continue to do this.
> 
> Absolutely do not contact him and when you respond be warm, be genuine, but don't be a starving puppy!
> 
> ...


THANK YOU!!! Now that was a nice reality check. I really appreciate your opinion and it just put a smile on my face. I clearly have some growing to do, myself, as the pain I feel just from not getting to talk to him is unacceptable and horrible for my body! I guess I fall too much for the fairy tale and need to remember that I need to stay tough and hold my own in a relationship.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

technovelist said:


> Don't marry him. This will not get better with time.


aw man...  he even said some men never figure it out but he also said he wants kids one day and if he loses me during this break it may be the worst mistake he'll ever make. err. so are you saying he's a drama king forever and will never find his way? or he's depressed? I guess I hoped he'd get it out of his system and just wanted to have space and be free one more time before he settled down for good because he said when he met me he didn't know he was about to give up singleness for the last time in his life. He's almost 30...so he's getting nervous?


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

The "no contact" is typically after an affair and between the wayward and the affair partner, not between the spouses. You don't mention an affair, so I assume there is none. 

Your comment about "to mess up a little first" is worrying. If you think he wants to mess around first I would either kill it first or run. Maybe it is not technically an affair, given your not married or presently together, but if he is messing up now he will mess up later too. 

Reading between the lines here suggests he is a little immature. Typically males are more immature than females, on average. Or maybe I am reading myself into the message. Having many previous relationships says nothing about maturity. So maybe he is shocked that this relationship is bringing up emotions and consequences that he has never considered. If all that is correct then I doubt he will work his way through them correctly and quickly. Instead what is needed is communication between the two of you. "no contact" of course works against that.

He has already exchanged txts with you after the 'break'. And I don't see any explicit statement that you will not call him, but he must always call you first. So it is no longer his turn to call you. Dignity is about how you conduct yourself, not who calls first. Call him, make a date, and talk, talk, talk.

I agree completely with the reading and learning. Talk to trusted friends/parents/mentors too. You both need to be doing that. On your date, when you are talking, talking, talking, mention some of what you have read, suggest some reading for him. Growing up is new territory for all of us.

Paragraph breaks make messages easier to read.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *laroo: Sorry to see you going through this, but if you are going to inject your terms into this relationship, then he needs to know that you mean business and the two of you need to go see a counselor together prior to getting married.
> 
> And if he subsequently balks at any of your demands or requests, then you need to drop him like a bad habit!
> 
> ...


Hmm maybe my problem is I don't inject terms and I don't make demands or requests and he's implied to me that maybe he's the kind of guy who needs that direction. That maybe he and I are both too insecure and/or need leadership in our partner. He has said that I deserve more than he is giving me...that I deserve flowers every day. That makes me feel yucky when he says that. Like he has a better plan for me in some fictional person that doesn't exist so I asked him to quit saying that.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

NotEasy said:


> The "no contact" is typically after an affair and between the wayward and the affair partner, not between the spouses. You don't mention an affair, so I assume there is none.
> 
> Your comment about "to mess up a little first" is worrying. If you think he wants to mess around first I would either kill it first or run. Maybe it is not technically an affair, given your not married or presently together, but if he is messing up now he will mess up later too.
> 
> ...


Sometimes it feels so urgent to get my thoughts out!  He said he wasn't going to be looking for a new long term relationship so that sort of put in my head that maybe he will be looking for some short term while he figures himself out but that's just speculation and it could be rude of me to think he would do that. He's adamant about how once you're married you don't ever mess it up...it's for life.

I'm sure he'd even agree about the immaturity and that's why he's pushing me away. I'm also not sure what to talk about if we got together because the whole point was that the relationship may be distracting him from seeing what is bothering him. We're pretty intense when we're together. 

The thing is...he's fun...we laugh...we have the best hugs...we cry...and I've never had chemistry with anyone like I have with him which can be hard to find. I was married already once and I've been in long relationships with guys of very distinctly different personality types. This one is a gem. 

I guess if he's not in all the way then there is nothing I can do. If I keep talking to him he'll keep getting distracted by my presence and won't be able to figure out if the relationship is the problem in his life or if he has other issues to work on. What do you suggest I talk to him about?


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

laroo said:


> I guess I hoped he'd get it out of his system and just wanted to have space and be free one more time before he settled down for good because he said when he met me he didn't know he was about to give up singleness for the last time in his life. He's almost 30...so he's getting nervous?


Based on my life experience, I think he has met someone, probably an ex-girlfriend. He is not sure if it will work out yet with her, so he isn't ready to call your relationship a break-up. At age 30, men who have been dating a woman for over a year knows if she is the one. Assuming that you are easy to get along with as you seem like a nice lady, the only reason he would need a break is if he doesn't have the passionate feeling about you. 

Did you sometimes have a feeling that you were more crazy about him than he is of you? 

You will be much happier if you are in a relationship in which a man is as excited about you as you are of him.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Based on my life experience, I think he has met someone, probably an ex-girlfriend. He is not sure if it will work out yet with her, so he isn't ready to call your relationship a break-up. At age 30, men who have been dating a woman for over a year knows if she is the one. Assuming that you are easy to get along with as you seem like a nice lady, the only reason he would need a break is if he doesn't have the passionate feeling about you.
> 
> Did you sometimes have a feeling that you were more crazy about him than he is of you?
> 
> You will be much happier if you are in a relationship in which a man is as excited about you as you are of him.


No he was really the crazy awesome one initiating things. He said what finally made him pull back was he thought we may have a communication problem. He was feeling really awkward and insecure one night out with my family and after he explained this I realized it was something I didn't even notice at the time. I got really quiet and insecure when I saw a pretty girl walk by and he didn't know why I got weird. Doh! 

He said this break would be a test for us. He doesn't feel like he makes me happy and...that makes him feel unfulfilled if he can't make me happy. I thought I was happy! But I'm learning from how hard this break is just how codependent I was. 

He wants me to be confident and he needs his wife to be confident. He said I have every reason more than any girl to be confident but I responded that it just isn't my personality type. I have gotten by in life by trying to remain unnoticed because I'm an introvert and I don't like attention.

Note: Dating me for a year was HUGE to him because he'd never had a relationship that long so I'm not sure if he would know by that timeline. I think what scares him is the unknown.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

laroo said:


> I got really quiet and insecure when I saw a pretty girl walk by and he didn't know why I got weird. Doh!
> 
> He said this break would be a test for us. He doesn't feel like he makes me happy and...that makes him feel unfulfilled if he can't make me happy. I thought I was happy! But I'm learning from how hard this break is just how codependent I was.
> .


Leaving because he feels that he can't make you happy enough even though you thought were happy. Unfortunately these empty words have been said by countless people for a long time. Unfortunately that is not a rational reason. I know you want to believe them because you're feeling pretty miserable right now.

Don't be too quick to criticize yourself about codependency. You've spent a long time with him and understandably are in love. It is normal for someone to feel very miserable for awhile when someone they love leaves them.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

What are you going to do if he sleeps with someone? That is what you must determine in your heart. He may have already done this. He may have his eye on someone else and be trying her out.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

Steve1000 said:


> Leaving because he feels that he can't make you happy enough even though you thought were happy. Unfortunately these empty words have been said by countless people for a long time. Unfortunately that is not a rational reason. I know you want to believe them because you're feeling pretty miserable right now.
> 
> Don't be too quick to criticize yourself about codependency. You've spent a long time with him and understandably are in love. It is normal for someone to feel very miserable for awhile when someone they love leaves them.


Sigh...  well thank you for preparing me. He wanted me to leave my cat there...not take everything with me...but I insisted. I hope you are wrong about this one. 

But thank you because now I know how to put words to the feeling when a guy says they don't think I'm happy or...that I deserve such and such when he's too lazy to do it himself. Like I'm just going to be like, Oh thanks! I'll go get one of those guys! Empty words is exactly how to explain the feeling in my stomach when he says that.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> What are you going to do if he sleeps with someone? That is what you must determine in your heart. He may have already done this. He may have his eye on someone else and be trying her out.


I wasn't going to ask him and was going to let him keep his dignity and be a single man if he wants to. And if he does it a while and I'm still around and he wants me back then yay! We have a very good sex life. Thats a little bit of what is concerning him. What do we realllly have beyond that? We are best friends. We both agree. But is he ready for the long haul? And we parted with him telling me he loves me and he'll call. He stole two kisses and I got after him for the first one. But maybe he was just feeling guilty. But he said his ideal plan is for us to date and actually go and do things and not keep having random sex and just being at his house all the time. So no sex for us and just getting to know each other. I think that sounds amazing to be honest.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

laroo said:


> Sometimes it feels so urgent to get my thoughts out!


The paragraph breaks are trivial. It is more important to get your thoughts out than to put in paragraph breaks. I should have put in a smilie. :wink2:


laroo said:


> He said he wasn't going to be looking for a new long term relationship so that sort of put in my head that maybe he will be looking for some short term while he figures himself out but that's just speculation and it could be rude of me to think he would do that.


I doubt him mentioned not looking for a long term relationship means he is looking for a short term relationship. What he is looking for is something for you to judge based on his behaviour etc.
My guess is he is scared and immature. But I am just reading a few posts.


laroo said:


> He's adamant about how once you're married you don't ever mess it up...it's for life.


Sounds good.


laroo said:


> I'm sure he'd even agree about the immaturity and that's why he's pushing me away. I'm also not sure what to talk about if we got together because the whole point was that the relationship may be distracting him from seeing what is bothering him. We're pretty intense when we're together.


My guess is the intensity of the relationship is what is 'distracting' him. And I think his response to that is immature.



laroo said:


> The thing is...he's fun...we laugh...we have the best hugs...we cry...and I've never had chemistry with anyone like I have with him which can be hard to find. I was married already once and I've been in long relationships with guys of very distinctly different personality types. This one is a gem.
> 
> I guess if he's not in all the way then there is nothing I can do. If I keep talking to him he'll keep getting distracted by my presence and won't be able to figure out if the relationship is the problem in his life or if he has other issues to work on. What do you suggest I talk to him about?


Your presence should distract him, otherwise there would be no relationship.

You can talk about:
how you each feel,
what are his 'issues',
what to call the 'break',
what people have said about it,
why the break. I still don't quite get it and I think you don't too.
what you each have done in the last week,
what you each have read / heard / learnt,
what you each think the next week holds,
what you each would like in the future,
what you each need before getting back together
...
If you can get through that in one date I am surprised.

And after getting through all that talking, depending on the answers, I suggest you consider dumping him. Scared is Ok, but you need someone who can handle 'scared' better than just breaking up.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

laroo said:


> No he was really the crazy awesome one initiating things. He said what finally made him pull back was he thought we may have a communication problem. He was feeling really awkward and insecure one night out with my family and after he explained this I realized it was something I didn't even notice at the time. I got really quiet and insecure when I saw a pretty girl walk by and he didn't know why I got weird. Doh!


This suggests communication problems all round, either both of you are not saying how you feel, or both of you are not seeing how the other is. 
But I wonder, he went out for a night with your family... Was this the first such night? Perhaps even his first whole night with any girls family. He saw this as a major step towards commitment and panicked perhaps. Or why else might he be awkward and insecure with them? Perhaps he embarrassed himself socially, couldn't talk with them, wasn't dressed correctly. I don't know. I don't get it.
And you saw a pretty girl and got insecure. Ugh. This is a pet peeve of mine. It annoys me that she gets upset or weird when a pretty girl walks by. I am with my wife, not some other girl. I am very very happy to be with my wife. Yes I may notice other girls, but often I don't even notice. And I do NOT want to swap. Sometimes it seems she notices more than me. She has no need to feel insecure. And I guess neither do you.


laroo said:


> He said this break would be a test for us. He doesn't feel like he makes me happy and...that makes him feel unfulfilled if he can't make me happy. I thought I was happy! But I'm learning from how hard this break is just how codependent I was.


I can't make up my mind whether this shows more his immaturity or your love, perhaps both.
I do not see you as codependent, just in love and confused with his behaviour.


laroo said:


> He wants me to be confident and he needs his wife to be confident. He said I have every reason more than any girl to be confident but I responded that it just isn't my personality type. I have gotten by in life by trying to remain unnoticed because I'm an introvert and I don't like attention.


He is immature. He wants you to be the idol he has put up on a pedestal. Ugh, childish.
As an introver you can be confident. It is just you will not be confident in big groups and social situations. But you can and should be confident in yourself and your relationship with him.


laroo said:


> Note: Dating me for a year was HUGE to him because he'd never had a relationship that long so I'm not sure if he would know by that timeline. I think what scares him is the unknown.


Perhaps your question should be "why had he not had a relationship for this long?" Did he always run away? Or is he scared of commitment.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

laroo said:


> aw man...  he even said some men never figure it out but he also said he wants kids one day and if he loses me during this break it may be the worst mistake he'll ever make. err. so are you saying he's a drama king forever and will never find his way? or he's depressed? I guess I hoped he'd get it out of his system and just wanted to have space and be free one more time before he settled down for good because he said when he met me he didn't know he was about to give up singleness for the last time in his life. He's almost 30...so he's getting nervous?


If he's almost 30, he should have gotten his "messing around" out of his system already, and should be mature enough to commit. Unfortunately, I have to agree with some of the other posters who say he probably has a specific person in mind for that "messing around".


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

laroo said:


> Hey, I was wondering if I could get some insight. I've been dating a guy for a year and 4 months now. Before this he'd never been in a relationship for even a year. He was always in and out of relationships and when we met he thought it was going to be another fling but it turned into more pretty quickly. He fell head over heels (as I did) and took me to look at engagement rings and was talking about kids early on. I was in shock but digging it. We got into a routine of spending pretty much every day at his house but I never moved in. *Now he's getting stressed and having ups and downs and unsure and has said that maybe it is cold feet but that he doesn't think he's ready for this relationship. That when he gets married that is it relationship-wise and he believes that you don't mess around after that and he doesn't want to mess up so...he needs a break (to mess up a little first?). He said this will be like a test for us...that I am the girl he wanted to find all along but now that he found me he doesn't know what to do next...that he doesn't feel fully like a man yet*...so I told him I needed to get all my stuff out of his place and for him to call me if he feels like it. He was a little bothered that I wasn't going to call him but I don't think he'll figure out whether his dissatisfaction is related to his job...himself...or our relationship if I don't get out of the picture for some time. He said that ideally we would date and work on our communication and see if we can be friends without the random sex and without just spending all (or any) time bumming around at home. And we actually have gone on a lot of interesting dates but still...we were together 24/7 except for work and sleep. I told him I'd be up for going out and doing something and for him to just give me a call. So after I packed up my stuff and left we spent the next day not contacting each other at all and it was so hard for me to sleep that night. I got a couple of texts from his first thing the next morning (it was like a defibrillator on my heavy heart) and his texts said sorry to bother me but he just hopes I have an amazing week and he misses me and he has been thinking about me a lot and hopes everything is ok. So I just responded with, "thank you!!!" because i was grateful that he shocked my broken heart back to life and I kept it short because I was afraid to let his words comfort me too much in case he was just writing that out of sadness and guilt even though maybe he's trying to get over us so he can be free of this relationship. Now it has been a week since we started this break (he didn't want to give it a name or call it a break or a breakup or anything...). and even though I know I need to be focusing on myself (and I'm doing a lot of reading and learning and trying to make sure I never fall back into a relationship where I am SO dependent on someone to keep my heart alive again) I am still waiting to hear my phone ring and wondering if I should have any hope that he will come back to me. I don't know if the, "no contact," rules should really apply here since he held me and cried with me and told me he loved me and that he would call me when we were parting last week. Is no contact (until he contacts me first) the only way to keep my dignity? Because if I keep giving him assurance when he's not 100%...I feel like we'll keep repeating the same problem. Thank you for any manly input you can offer.


LOL. Sounds like you're probably not the first lady to hear this load of bull from him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If he's almost 30 and he doesn't feel like a man, he is extremely immature and needs to grow up.
Do you consider yourself broken up with him?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> If he's almost 30 and he doesn't feel like a man, he is extremely immature and needs to grow up.
> Do you consider yourself broken up with him?


I guess I do consider myself broken up with him. He took me out to dinner two weeks after our split (I initiated but he treated). We had a great time and laughed and he said some things that sounded like I might be in his future but other things made it sound like he was catching himself saying that I would be in his future. He said he was so glad we went out and he wanted to call me but didn't know what to say. So when we parted he said he'd call but he didn't but he did text me a week later to say he hoped I had a great week. We've texted a little since then but a couple of times he's left me hanging (not responding) where he wouldn't have used to have done that.

So here's something weird that came up in my mind this week...will you let me know if I sound crazy or should I do something about this?...

So the day before he told me he didn't think he was ready for the relationship and we needed to take a break we were at his house and he said my purse was vibrating. I went to my purse and didn't hear anything so I said it was probably just my phone.

So when...the next day we were parting after I picked up my stuff...he said he didn't feel like he made me happy and he needs to feel like he makes me happy and I was confused about that.

So now weeks later I find my female grooming tool/brow trimmer vibrating in the bottom of my purse and realize he was probably hearing that go off and it obviously wasn't my phone so do you think he could have thought I was lying and had a vibrator in my purse and that made him feel insecure?

I hate letting something hang like that. What if that was a factor in him deciding to take a break? Should I just wait until I see him again one day and make it go off in my purse so he can see that it was just a beauty product and not a sex toy? Am I over analyzing this? Would it be the stupidest thing in the world to write him a random text that says hey look what I found in my purse? What would you do?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

NotEasy said:


> This suggests communication problems all round, either both of you are not saying how you feel, or both of you are not seeing how the other is.
> But I wonder, he went out for a night with your family... Was this the first such night? Perhaps even his first whole night with any girls family. He saw this as a major step towards commitment and panicked perhaps. Or why else might he be awkward and insecure with them? Perhaps he embarrassed himself socially, couldn't talk with them, wasn't dressed correctly. I don't know. I don't get it.
> And you saw a pretty girl and got insecure. Ugh. This is a pet peeve of mine. It annoys me that she gets upset or weird when a pretty girl walks by. I am with my wife, not some other girl. I am very very happy to be with my wife. Yes I may notice other girls, but often I don't even notice. And I do NOT want to swap. Sometimes it seems she notices more than me. She has no need to feel insecure. And I guess neither do you.
> 
> ...


No he has done things with my family a bajillion times and he really likes my folks. It was a little crazy that night though because one of my sisters had her 5 kids there and the other had 1 kid and both of the dads did not come so I was very distracted constantly counting for 6 heads hoping no one got away because my sister with 5 kids sort of lets them run around willy nilly and it drives me nuts sometimes because she won't keep an eye on them at least not like I feel they need an eye on them so to be honest my bf could have felt weird for a number of reasons as I was a bit stressed out (on top of feeling insecure myself...something I will try to never do again!!).


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Edit your OP adding some page breaks and you will get more responses. Some just bail when it makes their head swim to read all that without white space. It's satisfying to help unless the reader has to pay for it with a pounding headache from your post


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a video that I think will help you figure out what to do.


http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ok, so what I'm seeing here is a chance for him to go sow his wild oats, sleep around a bit, get it out of his system. And you're ok with that, as long as he chooses you in the end?

Is this for real?

Wonder how he'll feel if YOU sleep around a bit too.

Time to let this one go. At least for now. Maybe consider dating him in the future after he's grown up -- and you're sure he's free of STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

I'm probably way out of line but it sounds to me as if he needs a woman who can be his playmate, his sister, and his mother who takes care of him.

In other words, he's not really mature.

I think that he's left you. He's nice enough to not want to hurt you so you are being let down gently. He doesn't realize that the hurt in the end is going to be much bigger because of it. 

And why were you not living together? Was that your choice or was he keeping his distance from you.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

thread the needle said:


> Edit your OP adding some page breaks and you will get more responses. Some just bail when it makes their head swim to read all that without white space. It's satisfying to help unless the reader has to pay for it with a pounding headache from your post


Okay, thank you!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Here is a video that I think will help you figure out what to do.
> 
> 
> http://youtu.be/669II2eDQMg


Ooh fun, looking forward to watching this! Thanks so much!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

My take is he is one of those guys that is in love with being in love, but falls apart when the shiny new wears off and real life concerns creep in.

I think he was phrasing things the way he did in an effort to "let you down easy" and keep you around for a tab bit longer in case his plans to go out and play around fell through.

He's not ready to settle down and build a life with someone yet. If/when he does become ready, it's looking like it won't be you.

Don't waste time waiting for him. Meet, date, look for your Mr Right.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Ok, so what I'm seeing here is a chance for him to go sow his wild oats, sleep around a bit, get it out of his system. And you're ok with that, as long as he chooses you in the end?
> 
> Is this for real?
> 
> ...


I don't know, I know the woman who lives above him and last time I ran into her she said he's just been at home playing our favorite video game pretty much all the time. He has a good job but has considered being a musician so that concerns him about settling down and having a career like that. But yes I agree...if he wants to sow oats eww and yes to the std check which takes what 6 months to know for sure? I don't need to be his backup plan and yes that is insulting. But I'm also realistic and I've been there...I just went through this earlier than him. If he was expecting me to originally be a one night stand and I didn't give that to him and then he accidentally fell in love with me....and now he thinks I'm the right one but he wasn't ready yet. ugh... Why can't someone just ask him how he really feels and tell me?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

sidney2718 said:


> I'm probably way out of line but it sounds to me as if he needs a woman who can be his playmate, his sister, and his mother who takes care of him.
> 
> In other words, he's not really mature.
> 
> ...


He wanted me to stay over and would beg me to and he wanted to live together before marriage but I have been at my parents' house since my separation 2 years ago which led to divorce. I'm finally getting back on my feet and moving back into my townhouse next month (which had renters in it but I have asked them to move out now). My parents are very religious and I could not stay over at his house or move in with him without destroying my mom's heart. I mean she would break down BAD. She broke down BAD just when I mentioned the idea once.

So I'm desperate to get out and back on my own so I can feel like an adult again and do things my way without going against my parents' will while living under their roof.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> My take is he is one of those guys that is in love with being in love, but falls apart when the shiny new wears off and real life concerns creep in.
> 
> I think he was phrasing things the way he did in an effort to "let you down easy" and keep you around for a tab bit longer in case his plans to go out and play around fell through.
> 
> ...


When we went out to eat a couple of weeks ago he said he still had a dog bone that I bought for his dog...and that he would save it...to give to her later (when I was there)...

and he was also talking about a future home he would build (a dream home) and we were going back and forth joking about him wanting a moat around it he said, "WE," about what we would feed the alligators with in the moat. 

I hope you are wrong but I am very afraid in my heart that you could be right that he's just trying to let me down easy. It makes me really sad though and confused when he says stuff like that above...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

laroo said:


> I guess I do consider myself broken up with him. He took me out to dinner two weeks after our split (I initiated but he treated). We had a great time and laughed and he said some things that sounded like I might be in his future but other things made it sound like he was catching himself saying that I would be in his future. He said he was so glad we went out and he wanted to call me but didn't know what to say. So when we parted he said he'd call but he didn't but he did text me a week later to say he hoped I had a great week. We've texted a little since then but a couple of times he's left me hanging (not responding) where he wouldn't have used to have done that.
> 
> So here's something weird that came up in my mind this week...will you let me know if I sound crazy or should I do something about this?...
> 
> ...


Okay, so you do realize that you two are broken up. That's good, but now is time to act on it. Do not wait around for him. That puts you in a bad position and gives him the impression that he can walk all over you.
As far as your vibrating purse, if he has a concern, he should have asked you about it. If he thinks you had a vibrator in there, he jumped to conclusions. It would be awkward for you to bring it and I don't think you should bother. He is the one who is leaving you hanging, not the other way around. Do not take responsibility for someone else's lack of communication. You cannot read his mind, so you really do not know what he is thinking.
I know that breakups are hard when you are in love, but it is better you know now than investing more time into someone who is immature.




laroo said:


> Why can't someone just ask him how he really feels and tell me?


Did you ask him? If so, what did he say? It is not up to anyone else to do this for you. It is up to you.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

laroo said:


> Hey, I was wondering if I could get some insight. I've been dating a guy for a year and 4 months now. Before this he'd never been in a relationship for even a year. He was always in and out of relationships and when we met he thought it was going to be another fling but it turned into more pretty quickly. He fell head over heels (as I did) and took me to look at engagement rings and was talking about kids early on. I was in shock but digging it. We got into a routine of spending pretty much every day at his house but I never moved in.
> 
> Now he's getting stressed and having ups and downs and unsure and has said that maybe it is cold feet but that he doesn't think he's ready for this relationship. That when he gets married that is it relationship-wise and he believes that you don't mess around after that and he doesn't want to mess up so...he needs a break (is this to mess up a little first?). He said this will be like a test for us...that I am the girl he wanted to find all along but now that he found me he doesn't know what to do next...that he doesn't feel fully like a man yet...
> 
> ...


He is immature. He never got dating out of his system then he fell in love but it clouded with his own lack of experience. Once he is out of your system in a short time, you might not want to go back yourself under these circumstances. It almost sounds like he wants to dump you and minimize his own gilt for it.

The bright spot is you both seem honest and communicative in spirit but not enough to be ready for marriage. That is to say it does not seem like anyone is lying here. But if you where ready for marriage you would sit down and have a clear conversation on what it is you are doing, how long it will last, and bounderies for both of you while "taking a break".


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

laroo said:


> When we went out to eat a couple of weeks ago he said he still had a dog bone that I bought for his dog...and that he would save it...to give to her later (when I was there)...
> 
> and he was also talking about a future home he would build (a dream home) and we were going back and forth joking about him wanting a moat around it he said, "WE," about what we would feed the alligators with in the moat.
> 
> I hope you are wrong but I am very afraid in my heart that you could be right that he's just trying to let me down easy. It makes me really sad though and confused when he says stuff like that above...


In affair situations it's very common for the cheaters to talk about their future. They talk about their house and their cars and where they will travel. It's called future faking and it's part of the big fantasy the newly in limerance couple weaves.

The only difference is you two aren't married to other people. The behavior is the same. He's enjoying fantasy of a future life together as part of the shiny new love phase. But the reality is that actual day to day, permanent, living together, sharing a household and responsibilities knocks the shine off and makes him lose interest.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> Okay, so you do realize that you two are broken up. That's good, but now is time to act on it. Do not wait around for him. That puts you in a bad position and gives him the impression that he can walk all over you.
> As far as your vibrating purse, if he has a concern, he should have asked you about it. If he thinks you had a vibrator in there, he jumped to conclusions. It would be awkward for you to bring it and I don't think you should bother. He is the one who is leaving you hanging, not the other way around. Do not take responsibility for someone else's lack of communication. You cannot read his mind, so you really do not know what he is thinking.
> I know that breakups are hard when you are in love, but it is better you know now than investing more time into someone who is immature.
> 
> ...


Okay, thank you. Well before he said he wanted to have some time apart, that we needed to work on communication (but how do we do that when we aren't talking)...that he needed me to take more initiative because he's insecure...but now that he's ignored me reaching out to him a couple of times I'm not sure what to think. So I wrote him an email the other day to try to lay out some of my thoughts since I didn't feel it would be appropriate to ask him out to eat again so soon when he had ignored me a couple of times. I wrote this: 

I hope you are well!

I just want to tell you that I think I made a mistake that day when we talked at your place after work. I wanted to protect myself and I jumped to conclusions before I gave you a chance to say what you wanted.

When I came to get my things I didn't want to take [my cat] and I didn't want to insist on removing your house key from my key chain when you said it could wait but I thought that was what I was supposed to do. 

Since I don't know when we will talk again I just wanted to make sure that my feelings are out in the open.

If I could ask you anything right how I would ask you, "what was your ideal situation?" I just don't want to be confused anymore.

I want you to know that I love you and I want to know if you want this to be over or do you want to love me too?

[I asked his ideal situation because he said he couldn't expect me to understand his ideal situation..us still dating and working on communication instead of just hanging out and having sex...and he said it was understandable that I was angry and couldn't see it his way...but I mentioned it in this email because I don't feel like we ever agreed on doing it because I was pretty distraught...but really it is what I would have liked to do, too!]


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

His fear of commitment is just going to get worse.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> He is immature. He never got dating out of his system then he fell in love but it clouded with his own lack of experience. Once he is out of your system in a short time, you might not want to go back yourself under these circumstances. It almost sounds like he wants to dump you and minimize his own gilt for it.
> 
> The bright spot is you both seem honest and communicative in spirit but not enough to be ready for marriage. That is to say it does not seem like anyone is lying here. But if you where ready for marriage you would sit down and have a clear conversation on what it is you are doing, how long it will last, and bounderies for both of you while "taking a break".


Yeah  I'm having my own issues with being authentic. He asked how I was doing the other day and I said fine! and so he said, good. and when we went out to eat he said I looked great and vibrant and I was all smiles when inside I was going crazy and just so happy to see him again...so...should I try to do a re-do of dinner and tell him how I really feel or ask him how he really feels?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

depressedandexhausted said:


> His fear of commitment is just going to get worse.


like the more I push? is this when it is better to back off? it's just that he said he needed more reassurance from me...and I do not do that. I am so weird. I regret so much the times I've just been in my shell in my own little dream world instead of reaching out to him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The reason this is happening has nothing to do with you not reaching out to him. If you make any more moves towards him, you are going to look desperate. Let him go. He is already gone. Trying to hang on is like trying to grasp at thin air.
I am sorry to tell you this, but it is over with him. He isn't answering your e-mails. He has broken off the relationship. The next thing is for you to acknowledge that it is over and to let him go.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

laroo said:


> Yeah  I'm having my own issues with being authentic. He asked how I was doing the other day and I said fine! and so he said, good. and when we went out to eat he said I looked great and vibrant and I was all smiles when inside I was going crazy and just so happy to see him again...so...should I try to do a re-do of dinner and tell him how I really feel or ask him how he really feels?


I would say to not chase after that moment as it is already passed, but steel yourself to be authentic when you speak again and demand he do the same. If you don't have honest communication you have nothing. You certainly understand it and why it is important, you just need to practice it. Everything gets more comfortable with practice and this is no exception.

I have not read the whole thread--undoubtably someone has suggested a 180 for your and I'd say it is time for that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laroo said:


> like the more I push? is this when it is better to back off? it's just that he said he needed more reassurance from me...and I do not do that. I am so weird. I regret so much the times I've just been in my shell in my own little dream world instead of reaching out to him.


I posted a video for you to watch. The video, while it does have some humor, is all about what's going on and what you need to be doing here.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

OK.... I'm going to call it, he is chasing another woman.

He is immature and is chasing perfection (not reality).

He will chase another dozen women before he marries.

Then he will likely cheat and break the heart of his first wife.

Best you move on.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

ScrambledEggs said:


> I would say to not chase after that moment as it is already passed, but steel yourself to be authentic when you speak again and demand he do the same. If you don't have honest communication you have nothing. You certainly understand it and why it is important, you just need to practice it. Everything gets more comfortable with practice and this is no exception.
> 
> I have not read the whole thread--undoubtably someone has suggested a 180 for your and I'd say it is time for that.


thank you, yeah i get so nervous and i think i was bred to suppress my real feelings so this is hard for me. i need something to shock me or something to catch me every time i don't speak my truth. i will remember your words to steel myself and hopefully be a real adult the next time he and i talk. i'm also going to look at the 180. thank you!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I posted a video for you to watch. The video, while it does have some humor, is all about what's going on and what you need to be doing here.


thank you!! I'm pulling it up, I'm 1 minute and 15 seconds in and laughed already


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

poida said:


> OK.... I'm going to call it, he is chasing another woman.
> 
> He is immature and is chasing perfection (not reality).
> 
> ...


Well he said he was determined not to mess up once married which was why he couldn't continue the way we were because he was getting cold feet or something and had to be 100% sure...he is frustrated about his job...or something in his life...maybe the relationship?...and needed to get his mind clear before he did anything big. He waited his whole life for the right girl and when he found me he thinks I'm the right one and now he doesn't know what to do because he doesn't feel like a man yet. He very powerfully said to me, "there is nothing wrong with us!" I thought it was actually pretty hard for him to do and pretty mature to do.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

laroo said:


> Well he said he was determined not to mess up once married which was why he couldn't continue the way we were because he was getting cold feet or something and had to be 100% sure...he is frustrated about his job...or something in his life...maybe the relationship?...and needed to get his mind clear before he did anything big. He waited his whole life for the right girl and when he found me he thinks I'm the right one and now he doesn't know what to do because he doesn't feel like a man yet. He very powerfully said to me, "there is nothing wrong with us!" I thought it was actually pretty hard for him to do and pretty mature to do.


I guess as you grow up you start to realist just how hard people find it to say something that will hurt others and make themselves feel guilty or bad. 

Once you realise that, you will see that people are very capable of lying as a result. Even people people that you love and trust.

Some say it's gutless, some say it's a fault, but it's a human quality either way. Some are stronger than others and are able to tell the truth, straight up.

All I know is that when I met my ex-wife I didn't want to spend a day apart. There was never a moment of doubt. And even if there was slight doubt, I would never had said we should spend time apart.

You can also be in a relationship where there is "nothing wrong" but that same relationship might also not be enough. It simply might not have that spark for him. Or he simply might not find you attractive enough. That might be a brutal thing to say but I think it is more likely than not in your current situation.

Look, you asked for opinions and mine is that he is either "just not that into you" or he is chasing another woman.

I suggest you move on either way. You don't want a man who just isn't that into you. It will end in pain.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I posted a video for you to watch. The video, while it does have some humor, is all about what's going on and what you need to be doing here.


so...I watched the video and loved it. and he and I would be on our 2nd drop at the moment. So was it really dumb that I sent him the email that said, "I want you to know that I love you and I want to know if you want this to be over or do you want to love me too?" at the end? 

should I write back and say, "don't answer that!" or is it better not to contact at all anymore and just let it hang? 

thank you so much I love that lady she rocks!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

poida said:


> I guess as you grow up you start to realist just how hard people find it to say something that will hurt others and make themselves feel guilty or bad.
> 
> Once you realise that, you will see that people are very capable of lying as a result. Even people people that you love and trust.
> 
> ...


grr. lol well i agree i'm nothing special and don't dress and carry myself like a confident sexy woman (but have been called graceful by him) but guys i've been with tell me i don't understand i look good and this particular guy said (the daywe were splitting) that if i was in a room of women i'd probably be the most beautiful one there. which was really sweet but take it with a grain of salt, right? 

but he is concerned that the only thing we do relate on is the sex and that we need to work on communication and a real friendship...that part that should really be there if you are going to grow old together. 

but you could still be right. he could be a real smooth talker and totally pulling my leg because he wants to let me down easy and he was just crying his eyes out because he felt guilty and when we had dinner 2 weeks after we split and he told me he couldn't listen to a certain band anymore because we always listened to it together and that he had driven by my house multiple times and that he had watched the church service that we usually went to on the internet and wondered if he would see me there....i just don't know. I'm confused.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

see...I came into this relationship after a divorce from a guy who acted like sex had to be an acrobatics show and he insisted the sex was not what was lacking (our problem was that we had some fundamental differences and fought ALL THE TIME like brother and sister). but during our separation my former spouse fell in love with(?) and got our employee pregnant...and i know she was a little twerp doing things for him while i was gone...you know? so I go into this next relationship feeling like i have to be a sex goddess to this guy...when really that wasn't my style...and now I've created a monster....a guy who is afraid he doesn't know the real me...and truth is ...he probably doesn't...because i'm still so scarred from my former spouse giving up on me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laroo said:


> so...I watched the video and loved it. and he and I would be on our 2nd drop at the moment. So was it really dumb that I sent him the email that said, "I want you to know that I love you and I want to know if you want this to be over or do you want to love me too?" at the end?
> 
> should I write back and say, "don't answer that!" or is it better not to contact at all anymore and just let it hang?
> 
> thank you so much I love that lady she rocks!


You did what most women would do. Don't worry about it. 

But now that you know, don't say anything. Drop it. Go do your thing. You do not initiate any contact with him.

You just need to get on with your life, get busy, get hobbies, friends, even date if you meet someone interesting.

If he comes back, he comes back.

At that point, you can decide if you are still interested. Just keep in mind that it can take some time 3-6 months at least.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

laroo said:


> grr. lol well i agree i'm nothing special and don't dress and carry myself like a confident sexy woman (but have been called graceful by him) but guys i've been with tell me i don't understand i look good and this particular guy said (the daywe were splitting) that if i was in a room of women i'd probably be the most beautiful one there. which was really sweet but take it with a grain of salt, right?
> 
> but he is concerned that the only thing we do relate on is the sex and that we need to work on communication and a real friendship...that part that should really be there if you are going to grow old together.
> 
> but you could still be right. he could be a real smooth talker and totally pulling my leg because he wants to let me down easy and he was just crying his eyes out because he felt guilty and when we had dinner 2 weeks after we split and he told me he couldn't listen to a certain band anymore because we always listened to it together and that he had driven by my house multiple times and that he had watched the church service that we usually went to on the internet and wondered if he would see me there....i just don't know. I'm confused.


Don't take this the wrong way but you seem a little insecure with yourself. About your appearance and how you act. You seem to focus on his needs as a result. 

You know, the hardest kind of person to let go are the ones that are dependent on you, the ones that ensure your every need is met. It is easy to feel guilty about not being in love with them. Letting them down can be very difficult. A story is much easier to fabricate.


Can I recommend you forget about this guy and go see a counsellor? It's the best thing I ever did. Worth every penny.

Go and talk about whatever comes to mind. You will be amazed where it takes you, what you will learn about yourself and how much you can improve yourself and feel happy with who you are.

Learn to love yourself before you can love others. 

Not directly for your situation but you will get the gist;
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P3fIZuW9P_M


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laroo said:


> grr. lol well i agree i'm nothing special and don't dress and carry myself like a confident sexy woman (but have been called graceful by him) but guys i've been with tell me i don't understand i look good and this particular guy said (the daywe were splitting) that if i was in a room of women i'd probably be the most beautiful one there. which was really sweet but take it with a grain of salt, right?
> 
> but he is concerned that the only thing we do relate on is the sex and that we need to work on communication and a real friendship...that part that should really be there if you are going to grow old together. .


So he wants to work on communication and a real relationship??? How does that happen if you do not see each often? 

Clearly those are just words to soften the blow. He just knows that he needs to get space from you. So any words will do. And he's a 'nice guy' so he says a lot of things to soften the blow.



laroo said:


> but you could still be right. he could be a real smooth talker and totally pulling my leg because he wants to let me down easy and he was just crying his eyes out because he felt guilty and when we had dinner 2 weeks after we split and he told me he couldn't listen to a certain band anymore because we always listened to it together and that he had driven by my house multiple times and that he had watched the church service that we usually went to on the internet and wondered if he would see me there....i just don't know. I'm confused.


More of him not wanting to hurt you but at the same time wanting to get away and soften the blow. 

Just let him go. I've sure you have heard the old saying: "I you love someone, let them go. If they return you will know that they love you."


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> You did what most women would do. Don't worry about it.
> 
> But now that you know, don't say anything. Drop it. Go do your thing. You do not initiate any contact with him.
> 
> ...


got it!  and will do! thank you so much for turning me on to those videos. lol she's talking to me through the screen like girrrrl! haha. it definitely cheers me up. my family is pretty sensitive and sweet and i think Tonya is like the sister with an attitude who isn't worried about stepping on my toes that i needed.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

laroo said:


> see...I came into this relationship after a divorce from a guy who acted like sex had to be an acrobatics show and he insisted the sex was not what was lacking (our problem was that we had some fundamental differences and fought ALL THE TIME like brother and sister). but during our separation my former spouse fell in love with(?) and got our employee pregnant...and i know she was a little twerp doing things for him while i was gone...you know? so I go into this next relationship feeling like i have to be a sex goddess to this guy...when really that wasn't my style...and now I've created a monster....a guy who is afraid he doesn't know the real me...and truth is ...he probably doesn't...because i'm still so scarred from my former spouse giving up on me.


Ahhhhhh, the plot thickens. You should have said so.

How long ago was this trauma? Know that it is a trauma.

See a counsellor and dig.

Don't be surprised if you find out that you weren't actually opening up to the new BF during this relationship. 

That was something that surprised me. It's a self defence mechanism.

Forget relationships for a while. Go dig.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

poida said:


> Don't take this the wrong way but you seem a little insecure with yourself. About your appearance and how you act. You seem to focus on his needs as a result.
> 
> You know, the hardest kind of person to let go are the ones that are dependent on you, the ones that ensure your every need is met. It is easy to feel guilty about not being in love with them. Letting them down can be very difficult. A story is much easier to fabricate.
> 
> ...


Oh I am insecure but not afraid to admit it which I would think makes me awesome to not be afraid to admit it but apparently it breaks some rule of attractiveness.  

thank you so much. you all are helping me think through this so much. I can't afford a counselor right now but as soon as i can again I will make an appointment if I don't figure it out with all the books I'm reading and advice from all of the amazing people here. You all have been my life line now and especially back when I was going through my separation.

I'm going to watch the video now. Thanks again!


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

poida said:


> Ahhhhhh, the plot thickens. You should have said so.
> 
> How long ago was this trauma? Know that it is a trauma.
> 
> ...


Yeah...we just separated in the fall of 2013 and the divorce was finalized after they were pregnant in January of this year. what is dig?


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Dig "talk", explore your emotions, your past.

You will be surprised what you find.

I call it dig because it's what you find below the surface is where you will make progress.

Things you won't have considered.

Things you are unlikely to find without being challenged by a counsellor.

Good luck.

BTW. It's not OK to be insecure if you are aware of it and working on it, but part of that awareness is how it affects other people. It's better not to be.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

poida said:


> Dig "talk", explore your emotions, your past.
> 
> You will be surprised what you find.
> 
> ...


Ahh, haha well that makes sense! And I was thinking it was some acronym. Okay I'll work on being comfy in my own skin and will get to a counselor asap. Thank you!!


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

laroo said:


> like the more I push? is this when it is better to back off? it's just that he said he needed more reassurance from me...and I do not do that. I am so weird. I regret so much the times I've just been in my shell in my own little dream world instead of reaching out to him.



It has nothing to do with your actions, it has to do with him. Anyone with a phobia, any phobia, who feeds it inevitably makes it worse. By accepting the fear and letting it control you, you are training your brain to run from it. He will end up fearing commitment for probably most of his life. I also think it has a lot to do with what he wants. If he has always been a bachelor, who chases tail frequently, I doubt this is just because of his fear of commitment. He is afraid of not being able to hunt for other women.

Something else you should think about. If you two aren't married yet, and have all these issues. Imagine how bad it will get when he loses your trust on top of all these problems. Marriage is something a couple has to work on continuously. Its like a plant, it will die unless watered and trimmed regularly. Starting something with a good foundation and simple manageable problems is still not easy, but this problem isn't manageable, this problem is massive. Let him go, you can find somebody that is committed and grateful to have you in their life. Good luck.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

depressedandexhausted said:


> It has nothing to do with your actions, it has to do with him. Anyone with a phobia, any phobia, who feeds it inevitably makes it worse. By accepting the fear and letting it control you, you are training your brain to run from it. He will end up fearing commitment for probably most of his life. I also think it has a lot to do with what he wants. If he has always been a bachelor, who chases tail frequently, I doubt this is just because of his fear of commitment. He is afraid of not being able to hunt for other women.
> 
> Something else you should think about. If you two aren't married yet, and have all these issues. Imagine how bad it will get when he loses your trust on top of all these problems. Marriage is something a couple has to work on continuously. Its like a plant, it will die unless watered and trimmed regularly. Starting something with a good foundation and simple manageable problems is still not easy, but this problem isn't manageable, this problem is massive. Let him go, you can find somebody that is committed and grateful to have you in their life. Good luck.


ahh, yes, I have wondered if this would damage my trust. but he honestly let me know and i respect that and i really believe he's just playing his video games most of the time and trying to figure himself out but maybe he is hoping to date around a little before marriage and i'd rather he get it out of his system. 

but maybe i'm being nuts to want to be with someone after that but he said this would be a test for us and i honestly think he wonders if i'd be happier with someone else or if i'm just going to run off looking for someone else and he doesn't understand how i'm so sure he's the one but i've dated a bunch and i know what i want. this one really raised the bar on my expectations because he just fits so well with what makes me feel happy and silly and safe and all of the above that it's going to be hard to find someone else like him if i ever have to but i guess the main takeaway of this whole string is that i need to chill for a little while...no relationship...and find myself


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

laroo said:


> ahh, yes, I have wondered if this would damage my trust. but he honestly let me know and i respect that and i really believe he's just playing his video games most of the time and trying to figure himself out but maybe he is hoping to date around a little before marriage and i'd rather he get it out of his system.
> 
> but maybe i'm being nuts to want to be with someone after that but he said this would be a test for us and i honestly think he wonders if i'd be happier with someone else or if i'm just going to run off looking for someone else and he doesn't understand how i'm so sure he's the one but i've dated a bunch and i know what i want. this one really raised the bar on my expectations because he just fits so well with what makes me feel happy and silly and safe and all of the above that it's going to be hard to find someone else like him if i ever have to but i guess the main takeaway of this whole string is that i need to chill for a little while...no relationship...and find myself


Honestly, all we can do is offer advice. It is up to you, to take it to heart or leave it. I have found most of the advice on here to be pretty true and on key with everything that I have been experiencing. All I can say is, good luck and I hope everything works out for you. If it doesnt, which I truly hope it does, tell us, we will be here for you still.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

laroo said:


> ahh, yes, I have wondered if this would damage my trust. but he honestly let me know and i respect that and i really believe he's just playing his video games most of the time and trying to figure himself out but maybe he is hoping to date around a little before marriage and i'd rather he get it out of his system.
> 
> but maybe i'm being nuts to want to be with someone after that but he said this would be a test for us and i honestly think he wonders if i'd be happier with someone else or if i'm just going to run off looking for someone else and he doesn't understand how i'm so sure he's the one but i've dated a bunch and i know what i want. this one really raised the bar on my expectations because he just fits so well with what makes me feel happy and silly and safe and all of the above that it's going to be hard to find someone else like him if i ever have to but i guess the main takeaway of this whole string is that i need to chill for a little while...no relationship...and find myself


Listen.

I've been the guy who's in a great relationship and can't move forward because I wasn't ready for a commitment.

And it actually wasn't because I wasn't ready, it was because I wasn't as into her as I needed to be to stop worrying if I was ready.

When I was ready and with the right girl (my current wife) I was ready to marry her within a few months. Just like that.

What I'm saying is that either he's not the commitment type, or he's just not that into you, but more than likely it's a combination of both.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

marduk said:


> Listen.
> 
> I've been the guy who's in a great relationship and can't move forward because I wasn't ready for a commitment.
> 
> ...


This ^. It hurts to hear it I' sure, but he reached a point where he just isn't sure that you're the one and is trying to find ways to turn it into a soft landing for you. He likes you that much, which is quite a bit, but not enough.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

marduk said:


> Listen.
> 
> I've been the guy who's in a great relationship and can't move forward because I wasn't ready for a commitment.
> 
> ...





JustAFamilyMan said:


> This ^. It hurts to hear it I' sure, but he reached a point where he just isn't sure that you're the one and is trying to find ways to turn it into a soft landing for you. He likes you that much, which is quite a bit, but not enough.


Ugg. and he already took me to look at engagement rings early on but then said that he ruined the magic so he was going to have to do something crazy to surprise me if he was ever going to surprise me. I guess I'm just dreaming and hoping for a fairy tale. 

mehhh

when it gets to be a while between hearing from each other he'll either check in or his neighbor will and I don't want to ask her if he's asking her to do it but i kind of think it's not fair if he gets to find out i'm ok without having to call me himself. i know they talk because the last time he got in touch with me he asked me about something only she knew about.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

laroo said:


> Ugg. and he already took me to look at engagement rings early on but then said that he ruined the magic so he was going to have to do something crazy to surprise me if he was ever going to surprise me. I guess I'm just dreaming and hoping for a fairy tale.
> 
> mehhh
> 
> when it gets to be a while between hearing from each other he'll either check in or his neighbor will and I don't want to ask her if he's asking her to do it but i kind of think it's not fair if he gets to find out i'm ok without having to call me himself. i know they talk because the last time he got in touch with me he asked me about something only she knew about.


So now you know that she is passing on info about you to him. So don't talk to her much. Just give her generic responses and hang up as soon as you can.

How old is this neighbor? Might she be interested in him and/or him in her?


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

And he bought the older car I'm driving so I could privately sell my newer car that was costing me way too much a month. I'm making the payments but we'll have to get it in my name at some point. I mean it's not like I'm never going to see him again. I guess that's why I can't totally let the, "just walk away and forget about it," advice sink in. 

And both times I've seen him he's asked when I'm moving out of my mom and dad's house. I've been waiting on my renters to get out of my house that I haven't lived in for a few years. I'm finally going to be independent again at the end of the month! That is something to look forward to. 

I guess if he and I were to ever have a future it would have to be built on an entirely new foundation with a whole different level of understanding and trust and respect. And in the meantime...when Harry met Sally!! just kidding.


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## laroo (Feb 16, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> So now you know that she is passing on info about you to him. So don't talk to her much. Just give her generic responses and hang up as soon as you can.
> 
> How old is this neighbor? Might she be interested in him and/or him in her?


No she's probably approaching 20 years older than him and no he's not interested in her. There was one time I thought she was making drama and messing with us but I confronted her about it. 

She could have encouraged seeds of doubt in his head but what can I do about that? She also teased me about and encouraged me to meet the famous musician son of a lady I was going to house sit for right when this break started and I recently told her that when she said that she made me really uncomfortable and I decided not to house sit for the lady. 

That was very insulting that she would imply I could just move on like that but she said she was just teasing. But my former boyfriend knew about this guy more than I did so for all I know he was getting nervous about me going to take care of the guy's mom's house and his dog who would be there. 

But there I go again probably imagining all of this up just hoping that my former boyfriend is really just sitting there scared to reach out to me.


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