# Should I have filed for Divorce?



## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Well, unfortunately I caught my husband cheating last Thurs. Basically beginning of Nov he randomly out of the blue told me that he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants to do a separation in the hopes of trying to figure things out. We went through MC and for the last couple weeks my H decided to only do IC instead. We've been together for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old.

Well I was doing some snooping on Thurs night when he wasn't home and discovered google chat message under a fake e-mail address on his computer to a woman. She sent him a picture in her sports bra and tight pants, he sent her a picture in his work out clothes. They've been together since Nov, but I don't know when it all actually started. This bastard actually spent the night with her in a hotel on my bday. My f**king bday for crying out loud. He's planning a vacation with her in 2wks. He told me that he had to go out of town for work. 

I confronted him 2 nights ago. We had a 4hr conversation. We talked about the affair (although he didn't want to talk about it and didn't say much about it). We talked about how his childhood demons still effect him and that he needs help. He admitted that he's "f**ked up in the head". He justifies the affair by saying that he hasn't loved me for a long time and that he was open to receive love. He said that he didn't divorce or separate from me earlier because he felt pity for me and thought it would crush me and that I'm so dependent on him that he didn't want to do that which to me is total bull crap. I asked him why he wanted to go to MC with me then and he said that he was confused and thought maybe MC would help him realize he was making a mistake. A few weeks ago him and his ex wife had to put their dog down and he was devastated. He called me on his way home to talk almost in tears. I asked him during our convo why he called me. He said because I'm his friend and I'm the only person that he can be himself with without having to act. He said that he watches characters on tv and mimics his personality like that rather than showing people his real self because he has low self esteem and no confident. This all leads to his horrible childhood where his mother physically and emotionally abused him and threw him in and out of foster homes and group homes. He admitted that he doesn't make people (including me or his daughter) his priority because he will get hurt and never be truly loved. Oh and btw....he cheated on his ex-wife but lied to me and told me he didn't. His ex-wife told me that he did.

I filed for divorce yesterday and told him I was going to do so. Did I make the wrong decision?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You made the right decision. It's not irreversible yet anyway. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

No, sounds like the right one. Best of luck to you and your child, you are doing the right thing. You don't want the 8 month old around someone that admits they are f'd up in the head and don't love you. You can find a person that treats you nice.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

He sounds very selfish and confused. You did the right thing. You can always try later if you feel your heart is in it. But he had a PA! YOU DID THE RIGHT THING.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Permission to speak freely....

And stop taking his poor me phone calls! Let it go to voicemail. You should only be talking to him about the child you have together.

He's calling YOU after putting his dog down with the ex wife on his way home to the new woman?!

I'll say it again, you made the only choice you could given what his choices have been.

I am really sorry you are going through this.

Please take care of yourself.


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

You definitively did the right thing when you filed for a divorce. Don't even try to question it. There are better options out there for you and your child.

Don't feel bad for him. After all, he isn't overly concerned with your well-being. You need to focus your attention on yourself and your 8-month old.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You should look on the positives. Maybe now he'll deal with his issues properly.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


You can feel sorry for him all you want but its not going to help you OR him.

Now is the time to put the focus on you and your baby.


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## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

You did the right thing. Don't even entertain his phone calls anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


Traumatic childhood is a cop out excuse as if he knows that is why he is screwed up he can seek professional counseling vs going out and cheating on his wives!


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

You did the right thing, as you have been told.

Go NC with him, as much as possible. Past behavior is a good prediction of future behavior.

He cheated before this time and he will in the future. 

I hope you and your child have a better future. You will without him.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

We still live together  We are in the process of selling our house and neither of us can afford another place to live and still pay for our current house. I'd rather he live with me and help me maintain the house for showings, help with the baby (when he actually does help) and save money because in the end with the divorce, I want my 50%. The OW lives in another state, so he doesn't see her everyday. Doesn't make it better but in a way it does because I'm not obsessing where he is every single minute of the day. I told him in our conversation that he needs to stop his affair because it isn't healthy and start therapy to really fix himself. Not sure if he did it.

When I'm reading all of the other posts in the infidelity section or reconciliation section, everyone says do the 180 because the cheating spouse will realize their mistake and come back. Don't be hasty and file for divorce, give it time, etc. Are they right then?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

The 180 is for you to heal and detach, not bring back the WS.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


I'd say no.....
There are many many people in the world that as a child survived war with their entire families ending up dead. And there are other people who grew up as kids just like your husband....with abusive parents, poverty, etc.

I just don't think growing up that way or any way is an excuse to do such a horrible thing to the person you pledged to love & protect. 
If it remotely is an excuse...then it doesn't say much for the spouses who cheated that grew up with a moderately normal childhood.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You do the 180 for you. It helps you be more self reliant whether you R or D.

You are in a tough spot. Its kinda weird that you say you aren't sure if he is working on his issues or still with the OW....

Does that mean you have set down boundaries and they aren't being respected or ? 

I know it can be a very confusing time. If you filed for divorce isn't there going to be a decision about the house? There should be decisions made concerning custody, child support and living arrangements in the separation paperwork. At least that's how it works in my state.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

As V-bride mentioned, the 180 if for you; to help yourself detach from him. Since you're still living in the same house, it's even more important. It sometimes can effect the WS, but you shouldn't count on it. 

Let me just say that your husband has disrespected you in a profound way. Telling you he pities you and expecting you to remain in the friend zone while he openly flaunts his A. What a DH. Don't buy his BS excuses. He's simply trying to assuage his own guilt and trying to manipulate you.

You should be angry; but don't use that anger by engaging with him. Use it constructively to cement your resolve to go through with the D. Use it to detach from him. Stay away from him as much as possible and talk to him as little as possible.

Your mindset should be that you are heading straight to D. If for some reason he turns around in the process, don't be too quickly swayed to R. Come back here for more advice first.

Sorry you're here.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> You do the 180 for you. It helps you be more self reliant whether you R or D.
> 
> You are in a tough spot. Its kinda weird that you say you aren't sure if he is working on his issues or still with the OW....
> 
> ...


No boundaries were set because I told him we were over and I was divorcing him. I met with my lawyer on Tues so the papers aren't ready yet. I'm not sure how it works with the house if it hasn't been sold yet when the divorce is finalized. I know we will end up sharing the profits 50/50 but as to who lives there, who is financially responsible, etc...I don't know.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


I could write a large list of folks who had traumatic childhoods and did not become liars, cheats and hoodlums.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Wasn't childhood abuse the same excuse Sandra Bullock's husband gave for cheating on her?
Childhood abuse explains why he may have had low self-esteem, but lots of people have had crummy childhoods and never cheat.
His past is an excuse for him not to take responsibility for his selfish behavior. And he chose not learn from his mistakes by cheating on his first wife and failing to do the hard work then. I honestly hope he gets help and that W3 never has to suffer the way you are.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

You guys are all right....absolutely right. Thank you for helping me see the light. Thank you so much!


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Never wrong to divorce a cheater.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your husband is an actor. He does a series of one man shows called: "Pity Me!"

Stop being his audience.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Should I feel bad for him because he had such a traumatic childhood which has led to all of these problems? Or should I not feel bad for him because he did this to his ex-wife (no kids) and now did it to me?


I'm sorry, exactly how did him having sex with another woman make his childhood problems go away? He is taking smack, this is an excuse, don't buy this crap. If he had come to you with remorse and asked for forgiveness, then you should consider reconciliation. Instead he comes to you with a lame story. There is no reason to believe that it would be different, based on this kind of crap.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

You guys are all correct and my STBXH confirmed my feelings last night. He is justifying his affair by saying that he hasn't loved me for years and that he was open to receive love. He didn't divorce me before because he pitied me and knew I would be crushed if he divorced me. He also said that he had a baby with me because I wanted one and he wanted to give me that. The idiot also said that I'm his friend and the only person he can truly be himself with and I appreciate him for who he is. ALL BULLS**T!!!! The fact that he isn't even sorry for his affair and is justifying it is beyond me!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Hes clearly an Idiot. I know people think its fog but I think that we all make our own choices. He is making his now. You are right to divorce him and walk away. There are much better men out there. 

Clay


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Oh it's now confirmed.....he's still having his affair because he doesn't think it's a problem. WTF?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Oh it's now confirmed.....he's still having his affair because he doesn't think it's a problem. WTF?


That's really sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Oh it's now confirmed.....he's still having his affair because he doesn't think it's a problem. WTF?


This is where you need to change it all together. The more you show him you still care the more he is going to hurt you. 

Stop showing him anything. Get him out of the house or you leave. Its up to you but do one or the other. Do not allow him to talk to you at all. Make him write a letter if he needs anything. No one on one talks. He does not deserve to have that kind of access to you. Start the divorce and move on with your life. If he really loved you he would never have had the affair in the first place. You deserve better. Now its time to step up and demand better. 

Clay


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Clay2013 said:


> This is where you need to change it all together. The more you show him you still care the more he is going to hurt you.
> 
> Stop showing him anything. Get him out of the house or you leave. Its up to you but do one or the other. Do not allow him to talk to you at all. Make him write a letter if he needs anything. No one on one talks. He does not deserve to have that kind of access to you. Start the divorce and move on with your life. If he really loved you he would never have had the affair in the first place. You deserve better. Now its time to step up and demand better.
> 
> Clay


We are still living together because we're in the process of selling the house and neither of us can afford another place and financially pay the bills on this house. Plus, if he moves out then he wants to have our 8month old one some overnight visits which I cannot emotionally handle. I am the 99.9% caretaker for her.

I am not going to allow him to talk to me about this crap anymore. Just keep it strictly about selling the house, finances, and our daughter. That's it. I'm putting my foot down!


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

I don't think I could have done that. I am not a violent guy and I rarely fight with anyone but when I went home and found my wife writing a love letter to the guy she told me was just a friend. I told her she had to leave right there and then. She refused. I practically dragged her out of the house and locked the door behind her. I think there is only so far you can be pushed. I hope you have a big house so you can avoid him at all cost. I wouldn't even make dinner for him or nothing. 

I am really sorry you are going through this. I would never wish this one anyone. Not even someone I consider and enemy. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you exposed his affair?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Clay - I'm not sure how I'm doing it....I think it may be torture but I rather put myself through this torture than have to fight him because he is trying to take our daughter on overnight visits. That would be worse for me. Plus, we save money if he lives in our house so during the settlement, there will be more money to split 50/50. We do have a big house. He'll be staying in the bedroom in the basement and I'll be upstairs in our mstr. I'm going to try to avoid him as much as possible.

PBear - I confronted him about 5 days after I found out. I waited because I met with a divorce lawyer and got my facts and moved over some money so if he wanted to hurt me and take everything, he couldn't. Luckily, he's not even thinking about all of that. He tried to act dumb when I asked him direct questions but then I started to read some of the messages and he couldn't lie anymore. Read my post in Going through Separation or Divorce under "Cheater's been caught...time for divorce". That has more info. H is still with the OW...he confirmed it today.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> Well, unfortunately I caught my husband cheating last Thurs. Basically beginning of Nov he randomly out of the blue told me that he's not "in love" with me anymore and wants to do a separation in the hopes of trying to figure things out. We went through MC and for the last couple weeks my H decided to only do IC instead. We've been together for 7yrs, married for 5.5yrs, and have an 8month old.
> 
> Well I was doing some snooping on Thurs night when he wasn't home and discovered google chat message under a fake e-mail address on his computer to a woman. She sent him a picture in her sports bra and tight pants, he sent her a picture in his work out clothes. They've been together since Nov, but I don't know when it all actually started. This bastard actually spent the night with her in a hotel on my bday. My f**king bday for crying out loud. He's planning a vacation with her in 2wks. He told me that he had to go out of town for work.
> 
> ...


You ABSOLUTELY made the right decision. His "you can't live without me" attitude and how he's doing you a favor by staying with you sealed the deal in my mind.

This is where you can say. "Wanna bet". When he's 50 and alone and people just "tolerate" him (like your daughter), he'll just love his life then.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Confronting him is not the same as exposing it. Do his parents know? Is she married? 

Exposing has limited value besides revenge, at least if you're sure you don't want to reconcile. But it can be a way to break the WS Out of their comfy little cocoon.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

D&H - When I confronted him the other night and we talked for 4hrs about things (not about his problems with me) I asked him how he is going to feel when he's old and has no one and is living by himself and will die by himself. He said it doesn't scare him. He feels like he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.

PBear - He doesn't really want me to tell outsiders about his affair using his normal tactic to get me to comply with him, but I'm not going to this time. I already told him adopted parents and his aunt/uncle. He cheated on his ex-wife and no one knows but her and her mom. She broke down and told me. So he was never exposed before.


So I wrote him an e-mail saying that I don't want to talk about your issues with me in our marriage because it's too late to fix and that if he spoke to me earlier before the affair, I would've worked my butt off to make it right but now that he is currently have an affair and justifying it, our marriage is over the problems in our marriage don't matter. He wrote me back saying that he understands if I don't want to talk about our problems and his point of view. Ugh....now I'm sucked in again! I'm so dang curious as to what he is saying our problems were. I feel like I should know? Ahhhhh


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Do you have any family that can come spend some time with you or a friend? I think you are going to need someone to help you through this. I know you strong I can see it in how you are talking but I still think it doesn't hurt to have someone there for you. I went through my mess on my own and I kept custody of my kids. 

Clay


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At the end of my marriage, I "forced" my wife to MC. Part of my goal was to find out what my role was in the breakdown of our marriage, because I didn't want to has the same results in Marriage 2.0. 

I got nothing back. She just wanted to play the martyr and take all the blame herself. But I understand your desire to know. Unfortunately, I think most of the problems reside in your stbx's head, and that's where they'll stay. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

Stop acknowledge the marriage problems. That is just allowing him to continue to use them as his reason for cheating. 

His cheating is only about him being selfish. Period. He is a horrible, horrible man and he cheated because there is something very wrong WITH HIM. Not you! Or your marriage. 

You need to find his OW and make sure she knows that he cheated on BOTH of his wives, so she better not be thinking she is anything special.


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

You did the right thing.

I can tell you are hurting. This is hard to do but you have to realize you CAN'T SAVE HIM. Only he can do that. Let him go.

Maybe something will change down the road but right now he is being the complete victim and blame shifting like crazy.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

The OW knows about me and our baby. She apparently doesn't care and is going along with it. I don't think she is married but I don't know.

I feel like I want to know what his reasons are because I'm curious and think that maybe it'll help me in my 2nd marriage. Maybe I can learn something about myself? I know it's not going to change the fact that he had an affair and that is his problem. I know that. I know he's blame shifting and trying to ease his guilt and try to make it about us and not what he did. I'm jst so damn curious.

I have no family where I live. It's just me. I can't run away to stay with family because I have a job.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I feel like I want to help him because he is still the father of our baby and he wants to play an active role in her life. I don't want him to continue this destructive path because what if he does the same thing to his 3rd wife? Then our baby will be old enough to get attached to wife 3 and then feel the pain of their divorce.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I seriously think I'm going to lose my mind


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

heartbroken0426 said:


> *I feel like I want to help him *because he is still the father of our baby and he wants to play an active role in her life. I don't want him to continue this destructive path because what if he does the same thing to his 3rd wife? Then our baby will be old enough to get attached to wife 3 and then feel the pain of their divorce.


But that's not your job. I understand why you feel that way. But it's *still *not your job.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

heartbroken0426 said:


> The OW knows about me and our baby. She apparently doesn't care and is going along with it. I don't think she is married but I don't know.
> 
> I feel like I want to know what his reasons are because I'm curious and think that maybe it'll help me in my 2nd marriage. Maybe I can learn something about myself? I know it's not going to change the fact that he had an affair and that is his problem. I know that. I know he's blame shifting and trying to ease his guilt and try to make it about us and not what he did. I'm jst so damn curious.
> 
> I have no family where I live. It's just me. I can't run away to stay with family because I have a job.


Don't go this route. If you do you will end up in a false reconciliation and end up divorced anyway. If he ever wanted to tell you what was wrong, he had his chance and didn't take it.

Put your curiosity aside. Even if he told you what was wrong, would you believe him?


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Ugh....you guys are right. He's manipulating me even when I think he isn't. He's taking advantage of my kindness right now. Ok....I'm going to try my absolute damn hardest not to get sucked into his pity party!


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## Visionknower (Oct 14, 2013)

```
He said that he watches characters on tv and mimics his personality like that rather than showing people his real self because he has low self esteem and no confident.
```
 That WH shares this information with you is so interesting and possibly quite telling. 

It seems that your WH may be telling you that he does not understand or experience normal human emotions the same way most people do and that he knows this about himself. He is telling you that in order to be sure that he fits in and "appears normal to others: he has to observe and study what normal human emotions and human empathy looks like and how these things normally play out between people, so he can mimic this when interacting with others and therefore hopefully hide his lack of emotional understanding and empathy from others. Wow. 
It is obvious, from what you write, that this man lacks integrity and empathy and that he has consistently demonstrated seriously selfish indifferent narcissistic behaviors. He seems to lack a conscience to a large degree or to have a somewhat disturbed character. 
When people do not have empathy for others when they are indifferent to others and behaves in seriously narcissistic ways then there is a problem that is difficult if not impossible to correct.
It seems you are dealing with an obviously disturbed man and your choice to get away from him asap is a very wise choice. 

Trust that everything this man does and says is fraudulent, deceptive, and manipulative.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

Vision - you make good points. I think he does this because of his childhood and being shipped from one foster home to another. Still no excuse for what he is doing. He needs help but I'm not the one who's going to force him.


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