# I need a mans perspective - My Husband all of a sudden wants to leave



## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hi TAL, 

I have been married for 9 months and together for almost 4 years. 

My husband, let's call him Bill - We met on an internet dating website November of 2013. I had ended a 6 year very abusive relationship the year before and had been dating for a while but no one worth long term. Then came Bill. He sent me a lovely message and we started talking right away. He was kind, respectful and chivalrous. He was everything I was looking for and more. We quickly fell in love with each other and he asked me if I wanted to move in together, only 3 months after dating. I was hesitant at first because I had a lot going on but decided it was right. We moved in together and our relationship has always been great. He does a lot for me. He cooks and he used to pick me up before I got my own vehicle. He proposed to me in May of 2015 and we were married November 2016. It was the most magical day of life. I thought we would be together forever so I legally changed my last name. 

Over the past few months I have not been my best self. Lazy, distant and struggling. I feel ugly and undesirable. I am going through a hard time as I have gained a bit of weight. My husband has always told me I'm beautiful and has been kind and caring. He took a caretaker role and just took care of me. He messages me good morning everyday and he says I am his source of happiness and that he loves me so much and can't picture his life with out me. Every. Single. Day.

He went to Montreal for work last week and his messages all of a sudden were short and distant. So when he came back I asked him what was wrong and he said he isn't okay, we are not okay and he is not happy. We recently purchased a house together and have been living there since February. We picked everything out together but he claims he has no say but he would agree to everything I showed him. 

He isn't telling me everything. He told a mutual friend he wants to move to Montreal, sell the house and start over. He is in Las Vegas right now for work and said he wanted to use this time as trial separation. Told our mutual friend he doesn't miss me. 

This is very unlike him and I am in utter shock. One thing you must know is he has been taking anabolic steroids for months. I don't know I just feel I am in a nightmare and this can't be real. I feel like he is depressed and not himself. 

I am putting in the effort to better myself, I have gotten counselling and I am starting to try to be my old self again. He told the mutual friend he sees my effort but it is a waste. He is done. I just don't understand how he could appear so in love with me, so happy on our wedding day and just want to end it? 

I am so lost.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> He is done. I just don't understand how he could appear so in love with me, so happy on our wedding day and just want to end it?
> 
> I am so lost.


Well clearly there is a lot more to this story on his end...... He appears checked out.

I'd STRONGLY push for joint marriage counseling so he can "air his grievances".

If he's planning to leave you, it's the LEAST he can do so you can get closure.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

Have you asked him why he is so unhappy all of a sudden?


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## MrNightly (Feb 6, 2017)

I'm sorry for your pain. 

One thing I've learned in my life, is you can't make people love you.

I would suggest that it would appear that he met someone in Canada. Often times, there is an, "on the fence" type of teetering for months internally... then when they meet someone, they finally pull the plug. It's not the right way to do it, but it happens all too often.

Ask if he is willing to go to counseling... if not, just be your loving self and if he wants to go, let him go.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> Hi TAL,
> 
> I have been married for 9 months and together for almost 4 years.
> 
> ...


Sounds like you took him for granted big time and this has probably moved him into the arms of someone else. 
Why did you drop the ball at your end?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

It seems these days that marriage commitment aren't what they used to be. For some, absolutes aren't absolutes, commitments aren't commitments - just things that are valid only for a limited time and marriages aren't marriages - only a long date. In this sort of world you are free to do what ever. If you feel in love with somebody one moment that's fine but if you find someone who you think is better for the next moment, you are free to go join her. I can't live that way but many people do. People like you are just collateral damage to their free expression of their will, whether it hurts you or not.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

aine said:


> Sounds like you took him for granted big time and this has probably moved him into the arms of someone else.
> Why did you drop the ball at your end?


I've been struggling with confidence and myself for a while. I haven't been my old self. 

He told our mutual friend he only agreed to counselling so the counsellor can help move things along. 

I don't think he is the cheating type... but who knows. I don't even know him right now. He has a big ego and thinks highly of himself. He was also very defenisve with me when ever I tried to talk to him so it has been difficult lately. He wont tell ME whats going on, only other people.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> Have you asked him why he is so unhappy all of a sudden?


Yes, says he has to do everything, which isn't true. He has took on the role of cooking for us but I help to clean the house and pay the bills. 

I have started to make a change and before we went to Vegas for work I cooked a few times in the week and helped with dishes. He also says I don't support his school work which is not true. He has this skewed perception of me and I have no idea how it got here. He is not willing to see my side or understand. He has just checked out with no will to put in any effort.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

jb02157 said:


> It seems these days that marriage commitment aren't what they used to be. For some, absolutes aren't absolutes, commitments aren't commitments - just things that are valid only for a limited time and marriages aren't marriages - only a long date. In this sort of world you are free to do what ever. If you feel in love with somebody one moment that's fine but if you find someone who you think is better for the next moment, you are free to go join her. I can't live that way but many people do. People like you are just collateral damage to their free expression of their will, whether it hurts you or not.


He has never seen like the cheating type. He has high morals and did tell me I am still the only girl for him but he is just broken right now. I feel like he is going through something. If you knew us as a couple, you would be completely shocked by his actions right now. It was out of left field and he still isn't being 100% honest with me about his feelings. Our mutual friend even told me he was looking into an annulment. Which isn't possible since I have not cheated and we consummated the marriage. 

I am just completely at a loss and shocked.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have access to his phone bill? If you do, check to see if there is a number that he talking to and texting a lot.

What you are doing is not a waste of time. You are working to improve yourself. that is never a waste. 

Who is this mutual friend who keeps feeding you information?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Melissa,

The suddenness of his change strongly points to another woman entering his life. It could be an ex, coworker, high school "friend", vegas call girl, to start off with a probable list. 

Check to see if he is texting a number excessively, or spending alot of money somewhere.

Tamat


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have access to his phone bill? If you do, check to see if there is a number that he talking to and texting a lot.
> 
> What you are doing is not a waste of time. You are working to improve yourself. that is never a waste.
> 
> Who is this mutual friend who keeps feeding you information?


I do not have access to his phone bill and no access to his phone. 

Our mutual friend was my friend first and he has sent me screen shots of convos with my husband. It;s just so shocking because it is very different than what my husband says or does to me.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How was your sex life? Were both getting needs met?

How much overweight are you? Is he overweight? 

My ex wife gained a lot of weight and was a nasty mean beotch. The weight put me over the edge and I found a much hotter girl to replace her that took care of my needs. Oh and me and my ex were in a 4+ year sexless marriage, so that didn't help the cause.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> Yes, says he has to do everything, which isn't true. He has took on the role of cooking for us but I help to clean the house and pay the bills.
> 
> I have started to make a change and before we went to Vegas for work I cooked a few times in the week and helped with dishes. He also says I don't support his school work which is not true. He has this skewed perception of me and I have no idea how it got here. He is not willing to see my side or understand. He has just checked out with no will to put in any effort.


Hmmm, now obviously I have no idea, but it sounds to me like he might have thought 'ok, you're feeling bad, so I will take care of everything', then he expected you to 'get better'. Then he went away and thought about it, and realised that actually, you might not. And that he might be doing this for you for the rest of his life. And from the way you describe him, he sounds like a 'cannonball' type of guy - once he has decided something/launched himself, there's not much that's going to stop him. 

Maybe. I don't know. It kinda has that vibe to me, but obviously I'm speculating wildly.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> How was your sex life? Were both getting needs met?
> 
> How much overweight are you? Is he overweight?
> 
> My ex wife gained a lot of weight and was a nasty mean beotch. The weight put me over the edge and I found a much hotter girl to replace her that took care of my needs. Oh and me and my ex were in a 4+ year sexless marriage, so that didn't help the cause.


I've gained about 35lbs since our wedding but I have lost around that through our entire relationship. Before we met, he had lost about 150lbs and he goes to the gym and takes steroid injections. 

I am most certainly not a nasty mean beotch and he says I am beautiful. Our sex is great, both needs met, intimate and loving.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Interesting. How often is he traveling?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The odds are very high that he has met someone and is having an affair.

Could you afford a PI to have them check as see if he has anyone with him where he is staying?


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> Interesting. How often is he traveling?


Not very often but more often lately for work. He has to go to Montreal more often now to expand their office. I am not sure if he is the cheating type. He has always felt so strongly about cheating and even emotional cheating and how wrong it is and he would never do something like that. 

...but who knows... this is just all so sudden and he is so so different. I wish he would stop taking the Steroids.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@melissa8585

I deleted your other thread since it was identical to this one. Only one thread on a topic please.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> The odds are very high that he has met someone and is having an affair.
> 
> Could you afford a PI to have them check as see if he has anyone with him where he is staying?


Don't think I could afford that... I just don't believe he is the cheating type and he has made it clear there is noone else.


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## vauxhall101 (Jul 23, 2017)

melissa8585 said:


> Our sex is great, both needs met, intimate and loving.


I really don't mean to be harsh or pedantic, and this is probably very minor, but when a woman says things like this, that tends to mean that _her_ needs are getting met. That doesn't necessarily mean that his are. If you say "Our sex is great, he asked me to tie him to the ceiling while I was wearing an Italian milk maid's outfit, it was wild", _that_ would tend to indicate to me that his needs are being met.

But I might be completely wrong, don't mean to get too personal, obviously you know better than me.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Melissa,

One point, you should likely not have male friends with whom you communicate, especially if you say things to friends you do not say or would not say to your husband.

Tamat


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It sounds like he is just a poor communicator and he told you nice things to make you feel happy but he didn't verbalized what his wants and needs were. And it is not ok for a partner to take a caretaker role. You two are suppose to be equals and partners not daddy and daughter. It sounds like you were depressed, got lazy, and stopped taking care of yourself and him, while he took up the caretaker role. He kept saying nice things to you because it's obvious your fragile and he didn't want to worsen your depression. At some point he probably felt that this dynamic isn't healthy and isn't worth it. He's a jerk for not communicating honestly with you. 
Focus on yourself. Don't be co dependent. Give him time and space. And you need to get healthy physically and emotionally.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

It's a red flag when he is acting one way to you and another to his friends. People like that can't be trusted.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

vauxhall101 said:


> I really don't mean to be harsh or pedantic, and this is probably very minor, but when a woman says things like this, that tends to mean that _her_ needs are getting met. That doesn't necessarily mean that his are. If you say "Our sex is great, he asked me to tie him to the ceiling while I was wearing an Italian milk maid's outfit, it was wild", _that_ would tend to indicate to me that his needs are being met.
> 
> But I might be completely wrong, don't mean to get too personal, obviously you know better than me.


LOL.. he isn't that crazy but we do have toys and he whips me from time to time as he gets massages and BJ's. Obviously not as much lately with what I have been going through but I am working very hard on getting me back.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

katiecrna said:


> It sounds like he is just a poor communicator and he told you nice things to make you feel happy but he didn't verbalized what his wants and needs were. And it is not ok for a partner to take a caretaker role. You two are suppose to be equals and partners not daddy and daughter. It sounds like you were depressed, got lazy, and stopped taking care of yourself and him, while he took up the caretaker role. He kept saying nice things to you because it's obvious your fragile and he didn't want to worsen your depression. At some point he probably felt that this dynamic isn't healthy and isn't worth it. He's a jerk for not communicating honestly with you.
> Focus on yourself. Don't be co dependent. Give him time and space. And you need to get healthy physically and emotionally.


Thank you. I feel you are right. I am giving him his space and just trying to better myself. I am getting me back and have been actively doing more. I am trying my hardest to be the best version of myself that I can. I am just praying it is not too late and we can save our marriage. I mean everything he has discussed is fixable in my opinion.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

TAMAT said:


> Melissa,
> 
> One point, you should likely not have male friends with whom you communicate, especially if you say things to friends you do not say or would not say to your husband.
> 
> Tamat


It's actually the other way around Tamat. He has been communicating with this mutual friend and he is simply trying to help by relaying the info to me.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> Yes, says he has to do everything, which isn't true. He has took on the role of cooking for us but I help to clean the house and pay the bills.
> 
> I have started to make a change and before we went to Vegas for work I cooked a few times in the week and helped with dishes. He also says I don't support his school work which is not true. He has this skewed perception of me and I have no idea how it got here. He is not willing to see my side or understand. He has just checked out with no will to put in any effort.


His answer really isn't an answer. One doesn't quickly decide to end their marriage because his/her spouse doesn't cook much. Marriages most often end because of a lack of love, lack of trust, or abuse. I guess that this has unraveled so quickly because he found another woman.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think it could be what others are saying here, but ALSO, I personally sense he has become involved with someone else. Maybe not even sexually, but I don't believe there is no other woman in the background. I recently got married in May, and it's very odd to after only 9 months, want to end a marriage. (unless there is abuse, drug issues, infidelity, etc) While I agree that you have dropped the ball on your end as his wife somewhat, coming back from a business trip and saying he's not happy seems like there's someone else.

There might not be someone else of course, but don't think it's impossible. There is no such thing as a ''cheating type,'' by the way. From the stories I've read on this forum, the betrayed spouses were stunned to learn of their spouses' cheating behaviors. So, it happens...every single day, to the most unlikely of couples. Even couples who are having great sex, interestingly. 

His behavior just seems like someone who wants you out of the way, so he can pursue another life. I think it's worth exploring, at least phone bills and such. Just my thoughts to it. Sorry you find yourself here.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

This mutual "friend", could he be feeding you a line to get into your panties?

Selectively sending out of context snippets to "grease the skids, I mean thighs"?

Saw that happen in a relationship once. "Good friend" turned out to be a back stabbin liar that got someone so worked up & pissed off they cheated to "get back" at a spouse that, it turns out, had done nothing.

or - could be he got tired of doing majority of work, 

or - he has desires/positions that are off limits with you, but not someone else

Too bad he won't come straight out & address it.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

steroids can mess you up.

maybe your better off with out this guy.
hes most likely cheating,away from home all muscled up getting play from the ladies.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

OP, can you clarify a few things for me, please?

Just how long have you been in this funk? It sounds like he got exhausted playing the care taker role. Not all men thrive off the damsel in distress. It can truly break some. I think that's what happened to him. He lived his life for a period of time and decided: Nope! 

What gets me is that you've only been married 9 months. He didn't even last the length of a pregnancy. Unless your funk started before or the day after you got married, to me he just sounds like a big f-ing baby who got tired of having to do more work in a marriage than he initially thought. I remember supporting my husband when he was laid off. Lord, was the a testing time. But I never thought about leaving him and I couldn't wait for the roles to become more balanced because I had to take care of everything financially and emotionally and honestly the emotional demands were the hardest. It doesn't even sound like you are 100% useless. You gained weight. You're not as motivated. Are you like lying in the bedroom all day with the curtains drawn or something? Are you working?

I think you're making way too many excuses for a guy who sounds in all honestly a bit like a dud.

Your comment aboutt he furniture irks me. He says he has no say yet he agreed with everything? USE YOUR WORDS! You're a grown man. YOU didn't force him to buy that sofa so if he's feeling like the home is not his then he needs to learn to express himself.

Are you sure you even want to work on this marriage? You're giving him a lot of power, but TBH he almost doesn't sound... worth it.

ALso, steriods can mess you up. Big time. A friend of mine was coming off them and he started crying non stop for months. Went through a period in which he thought he was female. They can really mess you up, body mind and soul.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

melissa8585 said:


> He went to Montreal for work last week and his messages all of a sudden were short and distant. So when he came back I asked him what was wrong and he said he isn't okay, we are not okay and he is not happy.


He hooked up with another woman and is pursuing a relationship with her. Truth. 

Try to set your emotions aside so you can make rational decisions on how to deal with an adulterous spouse. 

You need to force yourself to face the fact that he is now an adversary and is not the loving husband you once knew.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It sounds like he got sick of being a caretaker and saw Montreal as a place he could start over free of that role.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

It's not clear why you allowed him to become your "caretaker". Why did you do this?

And it sounds like the relationship moved along very quickly; maybe you didn't know each other as well as you thought. Perhaps he has always had issues with commitment. How much do you know about his past relationships? How well did you really know him before jumping into living together and then getting married? Maybe the bloom is just off the rose, so to speak.

Finally, 150 pound weight loss combined with lots of anabolic steroids could cause some wicked-freaky mood shifts for him.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

Steroids... is he a pretty muscular, impressive looking dude? If so, he's getting attention from women. You have not painted yourself as the most attractive partner with your description. He's traveling and being hit on by pretty young things... And then he got all frustrated and realized that doesn't have to be trapped and he can get strange whenever he wants. Freedom to a dude is very intoxicating.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I don't know to what extent you have not been your original self, but if you really are behaving differently than you were before you were married, I'm not surprised he is unhappy. He is sensing a "bait and switch".

Is there some external reason you are having difficulties?



melissa8585 said:


> Hi TAL,
> snip
> 
> Over the past few months I have not been my best self. Lazy, distant and struggling. I feel ugly and undesirable. I am going through a hard time as I have gained a bit of weight.
> ...


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

UnicornCupcake said:


> OP, can you clarify a few things for me, please?
> 
> Just how long have you been in this funk? It sounds like he got exhausted playing the care taker role. Not all men thrive off the damsel in distress. It can truly break some. I think that's what happened to him. He lived his life for a period of time and decided: Nope!
> 
> ...



I have been in a funk for quite some time. Not going to lie I feel I have taken him for granted. He is a hopeless romantic and very sensitive. I was previously in a very abusive relationship and kind of had boiling over bad habits. I def needed a kick in the arse and I have been working on that with a counsellor. I have also taken steps to better myself. He wanted no contact while he is away which as tough as it has been, I have respected his wishes. Not only that I have joined a gym and am starting to workout again. I am taking better care of myself and I have plans on being the best version of myself when he is back. All I can hope is that he is willing to give me a chance.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

uhtred said:


> I don't know to what extent you have not been your original self, but if you really are behaving differently than you were before you were married, I'm not surprised he is unhappy. He is sensing a "bait and switch".
> 
> Is there some external reason you are having difficulties?


I struggle with confidence. I was previously in a very abusive relationship and on a daily basis I was called every name in the book and I started to believe those things. I am working hard on letting that go and really focusing on being in the moment and being care free and easy going. Not worrying about how I look or my hair and makeup. My husband is a good man, I do not believe he is cheating. I believe he simply got sick of me being so down and him having to take care of me (by cooking) I have taken the initiative to look up some great healthy recipes and plan on cooking them when he gets back and have "date nights". No more TV, no more social media. This is the person I want to be and I simply needed a kick in the pants to get here. I wish it didn't come to this but I also hope he gives me the chance to see that I can be the best possible version of my self. 

I am a hard worker in my career and I have a great job. I have goals and aspirations and I need to put the same amount of effort at home as I do at work. My husband is a hopeless romantic and I just have been so down I got completely lost. All I need is a chance to show him my best self and that I am the woman for him.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> Steroids... is he a pretty muscular, impressive looking dude? If so, he's getting attention from women. You have not painted yourself as the most attractive partner with your description. He's traveling and being hit on by pretty young things... And then he got all frustrated and realized that doesn't have to be trapped and he can get strange whenever he wants. Freedom to a dude is very intoxicating.


He is quite muscular and I think he is super good looking. But he isn't the type to play in to that type of attention. If he loves a woman, he loves that woman only. I am def working on improving myself.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> This mutual "friend", could he be feeding you a line to get into your panties?
> 
> Selectively sending out of context snippets to "grease the skids, I mean thighs"?
> 
> ...


Absolutely not. Mutual friend wants to help, he has a GF and he is not like that. 

It is the 2 ors for sure. and I am working on myself 100%


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

melissa8585 said:


> He is quite muscular and I think he is super good looking. But he isn't the type to play in to that type of attention. If he loves a woman, he loves that woman only. I am def working on improving myself.


But you say he's ready to call it quits? So then he's erasing you from the equation and keeping his honor in tact. He's a man... you can't fathom his libido or need for ego-stroking. He's probably fooling around already or has had ample opportunities to do so. He feels that something you have said or done has pushed him over the edge into "Why DON'T I just get with all these other women??" territory.

Whenever the "ranking" of a coule is so mismatched, it's not a good thing. The higher-ranking/sexy one eventually gets broken down by all the attention. The lower ranking one is left saying "But, I thought it we had more than that."


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Only 9 months in and you're already having these kinds of problems... I think you know what that means. I know you were together before, but this is not a good sign that you are right for each other for a relationship that will last the rest of your life. I see two issues:

1. The changes you mention in yourself that you only turned around once he said he was leaving.
2. The fact that he dropped a bomb that he was leaving without discussing any concerns he had leading up to it.

For a relationship to last decades, both people need to be acting in a way that will ensure the relationship will be strong. You should have self-identified those issues yourself and worked on them without him having to bring them up. If he (or you) have issues with the relationship, the issues should be discussed and well known before the "I'm leaving" bomb is dropped.

So while I'm sure there are great things worth saving in the relationship, I'm sorry to say there are significant issues that indicate that this relationship is not likely to last for very long. Even if you work through it this time, what about the future? Marriage is not a cake walk. Even the best relationship will be tested with daily life events. If you aren't acting as a team, it's not going to be a smooth road ahead.

While it is possible to save this relationship, it won't be done about patching up over this single event. There will need to be significant changes in how you *both* view and act in the relationship to ensure that you can work through issues like this in a healthy, productive, and cooperative way. This is just the first of many trying times you will have while married. They can't all be dealt with by saying "I'm leaving" and working through the fallout.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

dadstartingover said:


> But you say he's ready to call it quits? So then he's erasing you from the equation and keeping his honor in tact. He's a man... you can't fathom his libido or need for ego-stroking. He's probably fooling around already or has had ample opportunities to do so. He feels that something you have said or done has pushed him over the edge into "Why DON'T I just get with all these other women??" territory.
> 
> Whenever the "ranking" of a coule is so mismatched, it's not a good thing. The higher-ranking/sexy one eventually gets broken down by all the attention. The lower ranking one is left saying "But, I thought it we had more than that."


I don't think he is in "why don't I just get with all the other women territory. He is broken right now. As am I. All I can do is be the best version of me that I can. I have joined a gym and plan on doing another of things. I just got lost and he is fed up. We have a strong enough foundation for our relationship to work. I know we do. I just need to get it and him back as well as myself.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

wilson said:


> Only 9 months in and you're already having these kinds of problems... I think you know what that means. I know you were together before, but this is not a good sign that you are right for each other for a relationship that will last the rest of your life. I see two issues:
> 
> 1. The changes you mention in yourself that you only turned around once he said he was leaving.
> 2. The fact that he dropped a bomb that he was leaving without discussing any concerns he had leading up to it.
> ...


Sometimes when someone has suffered and they are at their lowest point they need a kick in order to snap out of it. We all can't always be 100%. I was pretty much at my worst. If I can get out of it and work hard on mending myself and the relationship we have. I have basically hit rock bottom so I don't think this will ever happen again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vauxhall101 said:


> I really don't mean to be harsh or pedantic, and this is probably very minor, but when a woman says things like this, that tends to mean that _her_ needs are getting met. That doesn't necessarily mean that his are. If you say "Our sex is great, he asked me to tie him to the ceiling while I was wearing an Italian milk maid's outfit, it was wild", _that_ would tend to indicate to me that his needs are being met.
> 
> But I might be completely wrong, don't mean to get too personal, obviously you know better than me.


If he was so unhappy with their sex life that it would lead him to walk away like this, it was his responsibility to tell her and ask her to help resolve it. Apparently he has not done this.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> Sometimes when someone has suffered and they are at their lowest point they need a kick in order to snap out of it. We all can't always be 100%. I was pretty much at my worst. If I can get out of it and work hard on mending myself and the relationship we have. I have basically hit rock bottom so I don't think this will ever happen again.


I hope so. Sometimes an early reality slap can get you back on the right track and keep you there. I wish you the best of luck.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

I wish you all the best of luck!


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

I just made a post in General Discussion regarding Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, and how it can eat her husband from the inside out, no matter how in love he is with her. I read your thread, and started replying, and when my reply started getting very, very long, I decided to go and make that thread, because this reminds me a lot of my own situation. Might be worth a gander.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Are these steroids being prescribed by and being monitored by a legitimate physician for a medical condition?

Is he going in for regular blood work and follow up assesments?

Or is this something he is getting from his weight lifting bro's in back locker room of the gym?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming there isn't a ton of information being left out, such as you publically ridiculing him and being sexless for the last 6 months or being completely irresponsible financially and spending 10s of thousands of dollars on his credit that you don't have - he is getting it somewhere else. 

Assuming no overt mistreatment by their spouse and assuming that the wife is not a completely worthless, do-nuth'n blob on the couch that never puts any energy into sexuality, men simply do not leave women unless there is another woman urging them to do it. 

If you put in a sincere effort to look into his activities and get into his computer, emails, social media, hack his phone, put a VAR in his car, have him followed etc - you will find that he is hooking up with someone else. 

You have been making excuses to not look. Stop making excuses and actually look for the truth; you will find it. 

If he breathes and has a pulse and if his testicles are still attached, then he is the "type" that can cheat. There is no "type" that could never/would never/will never cheat. All humans are capable of it given the right mix (or wrong mix if you rather) of character, home life and opportunity. 

Assuming you have not checked out of the marriage yourself and assuming you are not mistreating him and assuming you haven't sexually rejected him for the last year or so - then he is hooking up elsewhere.


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## StuckInLove (Jun 6, 2017)

That's another thing. Steroids can mess with your mind. When I was on 'roids for a chest infection, I became an irritable, unreasonable, combative prick that ate everything in sight. The slightest things made me flip out on the spot.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Now that all being said, if these steroids include some form of testosterone or synthetic androgens, they could be playing a role in this. 

Androgens can make people more aggressive and irrational and more apt to respond physically to things that they may not otherwise. 

That does not make it OK and people still know right from wrong, but if someone is being pumped full of androgens, they may be more impulsive and aggressive and make them more likely to jump on opportunity(s) should one come along. 

And if he is super good looking, muscular and assertive, he will have opportunity.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Are these steroids being prescribed by and being monitored by a legitimate physician for a medical condition?
> 
> Is he going in for regular blood work and follow up assesments?
> 
> Or is this something he is getting from his weight lifting bro's in back locker room of the gym?


Gym buddy. Not monitored by a doctor.


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