# Thought we had something real....then she dumped me by text!



## ldobbler

My girlfriend broke up with me via text 3 days ago. We had only been dating for 3 months but it was a fast, hot, exiting and deeply heartfelt 3 months. Within the first month she was telling me that she never met anyone like me before and she never had feelings like this before. She told me that every time I kiss her, it’s like having the best first kiss of her life. She told me that she knew it was crazy because it was so new, but that she was confident that she had completely fallen in love with me. She constantly said beautiful things to me about her feelings for me and she made me feel like I was the best thing to ever come into her life. She is one of the warmest, sweetest, most caring people I have ever met.

I have been going through a divorce for 2 years and although I’ve dated during that time, I haven’t felt that kind of closeness to a women in a very long time. I liked it. Naturally I was very vulnerable and I asked her to be very careful with my feelings because it would be difficult for me to trust again. She promised she would so I let go and allowed myself to fall for her. Things were great. I was the happiest I have been in years and she said she felt the same way. We talked a lot about our feelings and we had such a natural connection that neither of us could believe it was happening. But it was….and we both admitted it. I’ve never had anyone say such beautiful things to me and shared some of the most romantic and beautiful times together. She told me that every time she talks to me she smiles the entire time and that I simply make her happy. 

We also were living a pretty fast, irresponsible and impulsive lifestyle however. She would come over at midnight when she got out of work and we would stay up together til dawn hanging out even though I had to work the next day. On a whim, she would get a baby sitter to sit with her kids just so she could come over because she claimed she couldn’t get enough of me. Last Saturday she called out of work just so she could spend the day with me. We were so happy. Then on Saturday nite I was charged with a DUI. I never had anything like that happen to me before and she had to witness the whole thing.

Then out of the blue on Sunday, she sent me a text saying that she can’t do this anymore. She said she has been acting way to irresponsibly and impulsive and she needed to get her life back on track for her 2 kids. She said that she didnt give herself enough time to be alone after her last relationship ended before she jumped into something so serious with me. She said she was sorry but that she just couldn’t do this right now. All of this was via text. I was crushed and did not respond well to it.

I texted and called her many times asking her what I did wrong and asking her to call me to talk about it. She didn’t respond which made me text and call more unfortunately. I asked her how she could throw something so good away and how she could do it via text. She replied that all my texting were smothering, they weren’t helping and that she needed time to process everything. Then she texted that she already explained what happened and that she was sorry that her explanation wasn’t good enough and that it wasn’t going to change. The next morning I called her early in the morning and she finally picked up. I asked her if she meant all of the beautiful things she said to me and she replied that of course she did. Then she had to go to take care of her kids.

I texted her after work that day and asked that she call me that night. She agreed to. Then around 10:00 she texted to say that she was exhausted and that she wouldn’t be calling me. Again I did not respond well and I sent more texts. The next morning she texted me that this was ridiculous and that she no longer wanted to call me. She said that she couldn’t help it if she was tired and that I never gave her the space she asked for to process. She was right ofcourse, but i felt she was wrong to breakup by text. She said that she was just done and that the reasons didn’t matter. Then she said that my soon to be Ex was right and that I was too intense, which is what my soon to be Ex often accused me of being.

I know I screwed up hounding her, but it’s something I can’t control very well. I suffer from obsessive behavior/thoughts and OCD and was in treatment for it for 2 year when I got separated. I thought I had a grip on it but when I needed to use the distracting and coping skills that I had learned …..I had completely forgot about them and I drove her nuts. I know full well that I should have just left her alone and wait for her to contact me. What’s killing me is why did she break up with me in the first place, so quickly? And why by text? And not call me? I’m heartbroken. I just want answers but I don’t think I’ll get one.

The divorce has been very hard for me emotionally but I had finally let my guard down and allowed someone in. Then this happens. It’s not just losing her that hurts so much, it’s the idea that I was finally happy again, with another woman. It was the first truely positive things since my marriage fell appart. I let my guard down, let someone in and got hurt. I’m having a hard time sleeping, I obsess over her all the time. Am I bi-polar? Funny thing is that I did exactly the same thing to my wife which contributed to the divorce.

As a last gesture, I emailed her explaining my condition and apologized for my behavior. I told her that what triggered me was not having a real answer to why she broke up with me so abruptly. I briefly touched on some of the good times and told her I would be dropping off her stuff. Finally I assured her I wouldn’t bother her anymore and I wished that she would find the happiness she was looking for and said good bye.

I’ve since deleted all phone and computer contacts of her so I’m not able to call or text or email here anymore. I’m trying the “No Contact” rule. I’m dropping off her stuff to her cousins house later today. Is it ok to put a small note with her stuff that simply says “I Miss You?” or have I already spoken my piece and I should just live it lone. Not hearing from her is killing me.

How long do I give the No Contact rule before I try to contact her again? She means the world to me and I don’t want to lose her. I’m meeting with my therapist tomorrow morning to talk.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Jellybeans

_
I texted and called her many times asking her what I did wrong and asking her to call me to talk about it. She didn’t respond which made me text and call more unfortunately. I asked her how she could throw something so good away and how she could do it via text. She replied that all my texting were smothering, they weren’t helping and that she needed time to process everything. Then she texted that she already explained what happened and that she was sorry that her explanation wasn’t good enough and that it wasn’t going to change. The next morning I called her early in the morning and she finally picked up. I asked her if she meant all of the beautiful things she said to me and she replied that of course she did. Then she had to go to take care of her kids.

I texted her after work that day and asked that she call me that night. She agreed to. Then around 10:00 she texted to say that she was exhausted and that she wouldn’t be calling me. Again I did not respond well and I sent more texts.

As a last gesture, I emailed her explaining my condition and apologized for my behavior. I told her that what triggered me was not having a real answer to why she broke up with me so abruptly_

Uh. PLEASE STOP doing this. 

FOR REAL. You need to back way off.

_How long do I give the No Contact rule before I try to contact her again? _

No no no!!!!!!!!!!!!! Unless you want to be seen as a psycho/stalker, you need to really understand what No Contact means. It means NO contact of any form/sort.

She has told you point blank, multiple times now that she doesn't want to continue the relationship. You are making it worse every single time you reach out to her. Trust that. 

It's possible your DUI brought her impulsive and your impulsive behavior into full blast for her. Meaning, it made her realize you guys have gotten too close too fast. I am sure there was an element where she was saying she believed all those beautiful tins and you did too but this sounds like an infatuation on both of your parts, not the real deal.

Is her love fickle? Maybe. Or maybe she realized she needs some space after her last relationship; you, too--heck, you aren't even divorced yet. Get divorced!!!

Sorry to hear about your DUI. Hope you get all that sorted out.

If you do n't want to be seen as a creeper, leave her alone. Good for deleting her contacts, everything else you did.

If I were you, I'd stop by her house when she's not there and leave her stuff on her doorstep then go dark as they say. No contact whatsoever, do not reach out to her. you need to process what just happened and it sounds like you need to focus on your "intensity." You said it was a problem/led to your divorce in your last relationship.

Therapy, self-help books and some time spent single will help ya.


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## lenzi

ldobbler said:


> Then she texted that she already explained what happened and that she was sorry that her explanation wasn’t good enough and that it wasn’t going to change.


She doesn't want to hear from you, things are not going to change, you need to respect that. She has a right to not be bothered by you. This is not only about what you want, it's also about what SHE wants. And that, is to be left alone. 



ldobbler said:


> I know I screwed up hounding her, but it’s something I can’t control very well.


You didn't screw up by hounding her. She was already gone, sure she might have changed her mind and you definitely obliterated that possibility, but not by hounding her. What you are doing is STALKING. She has grounds to call the cops and get a restraining order based on what you said you did. She is probably considering doing just that.



ldobbler said:


> How long do I give the No Contact rule before I try to contact her again?


What part of "nothing is going to change" don't you get?

Leave her alone.


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## justonelife

She has 2 kids to take care of.

You are an admittedly intense, obsessive bordering on stalker with a DUI. Leave her alone. She probably enjoyed the ride but then woke up and realized that she needed to be a mother first.


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## ldobbler

You all ofcouse make perfect sense and I will leave her alone....which is why i deleted all contacts i have for her. I want to respect her privacy and her family.

Isn't it a bit cold on her part tho to break up via text and to not talk to me about it? I took that as an insult....Or do you think she's simply handling the situation in a way that is best/easiest for her because she does have feelling for me but needs to worry about herself and her family first?


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## PBear

Yes, it was cold. Given the timing, maybe it had something to do with your DUI, and she no longer cares about hurting you or having you in her life. No matter what her reason, the answer is still the same. Leave her alone and move on with your life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Maybe she texted because she suspected you would get crazy, beg, plead, or otherwise hound her. I briefly dated someone like this 20 years ago and believe me when I say that I would have dumped him by text if that were an option. He begged, pleaded, showed up at my house to cry to my dad, and even even showed up at my job a couple of years later. Geez, it was disgusting and pathetic. You've made yourself almost as unattractive as you can with all of the hounding. You're exhibiting creepy stalker behavior and are still going through a divorce, and as such are in a terrible place to be dating anyone. You can't hound her into wanting to see you, if she's interested she'll contact you; tell her of she changes her mind she knows where to find you. Please leave her alone and continue your therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

ldobbler said:


> Isn't it a bit cold on her part tho to break up via text and to not talk to me about it? I took that as an insult..


Yes, it's a bit cold and could be taken as an insult.



ldobbler said:


> Or do you think she's simply handling the situation in a way that is best/easiest for her because she does have feelling for me but needs to worry about herself and her family first?


No. Go meet someone else. But get therapy at the same time. You need it. Badly.


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## ldobbler

Well I just dropped her stuff off. She wasn't home.... no drama. Then I deleted pictures I had her in my phone. She really is an amazing person wonderful family. The last thing I want to do is mess with that. I'm going to take all the advice I've gotten And simply disappear out of her life. I care too much about her to make her uncomfortable. Thank you all for giviing it straight. I need to get my own life together before I could share it with someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lenzi

Glad to help and very happy to see someone actually listening to some tough advice.


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## ldobbler

I had a very good heart to heart with one of my oldest and best guy friends last night. I think what I had with my ex GF may have been more of an infatuation than what I thought it was. She is a bit younger than me, she is adorable, sweet, fun, exciting....and the first real connection I felt for a women other than my STBX in many years. I got caught up in the fact that finally an incredibly amazing woman found me attractive and was so completely into me.

I've dated other women since the break up with my STBX, but I never made the connection I did with this one. I think anyone in my situation would have fallen the way I did because she did come on VERY strong and constantly said very beautiful things to me. She was like a drug and I got hooked. Her feelings for me were probably just an infatuation as well and when the **** hit the fan and I got my DUI, reality probably slapped her in the face and she woke up from the dream state she was in with me. 

From what I've read online and from what friends and family have told me...this all seems very normal given my situation so I'm going to give myself a pass and not beat myself up too much. I think I was in love with the concept of finally meeting someone who I perceived to be someone I could finally move forward with and leave my old life with my STBX behind. Because of her I made some changes in my life that I really needed to and I loved her for helping me do so.

I finally looked at my rental as my home....not simply I was renting until something real came along. I started decorating my place and cooking her dinner. She had her own drawer and toothbrush and when she wasn't around, there were still signs of her that made me feel comfortable. Her presence was there and I didn't feel alone. I finally felt whole again. I think that is why I took the break up so hard. Not just because I miss her and didn't completely understand why she broke up with me so suddenly and so coldly via text. More than that, I think I felt like I lost the forward progress I had made in getting my life back. The drug was gone and I was left with a horrible hangover.

I know my reaction to the breakup was completely unacceptable and creepy. In my defense, I did just have a life changing event occur to me less than 24 hours earlier with my DUI and she did kind of abandon me in that time of need. I definitely wasn't thinking straight. Also, it isn't uncommon for people to react the way I did when someone breaks up with them. I'm so glad that my texts and calls were never mean or insulting in their nature. They were just excessive. Fine line maybe, but I'm gonna give myself a pass on that one too because at least I had the brains and the restraint to not continue bothering her after the first 48 hours after the break up. Yes, I deleted all of her contact info, but I know I can get it if I wanted to......and part of me does want to.....but I know its the wrong thing to do so I won't.

My point is I'm not going to beat myself up. This was a fast moving, wonderful experience with a wonderful person that ended as quickly as it started. The reasons why really don't matter. What matters is that I learn from this experience, accept it for what it was, remember the great times we had, continue with my therapy, use the progress she helped me make to continue to move forward, leave her alone, and get my life back on track.


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## ldobbler

I do wonder if she misses me tho......but it really isn't any of my business anymore.


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## lifeistooshort

Might help to consider that people who come on that strong and fast usually have their own unhealthy emotional issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness

Personally, I think everyone is being a little too harsh on you. No, you shouldn't have reacted the way that you did. BUT, there is nothing in the world more confusing than someone telling you they are totally in love with you everyday for weeks, and then the next day sending you a text or email breaking up with you. That's flat out cruel. She was probably not being honest about her feelings. Most people that are in love will not break up with someone over a DUI. I won't say _all _of them, but probably 99%.

There are plenty of fish in the sea and you are better off without someone like that in your life. Be well.


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## Dedicated2Her

> We had only been dating for 3 months but it was a fast, hot, exiting and deeply heartfelt 3 months. Within the first month she was telling me that she never met anyone like me before and she never had feelings like this before. She told me that every time I kiss her, it’s like having the best first kiss of her life. She told me that she knew it was crazy because it was so new, but that she was confident that she had completely fallen in love with me. She constantly said beautiful things to me about her feelings for me and she made me feel like I was the best thing to ever come into her life.


I know everyone is concentrating on your actions, but how you can't recognize this as an absolute red flag is beyond me. 

Get some help for your codependency.......asap.


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## lenzi

ldobbler said:


> I do wonder if she misses me tho......but it really isn't any of my business anymore.


I've dated lots of women, and many of them have stories about guys they dumped who harassed/stalked/pestered them for quite a while. They always say the same thing. They're just relieved to be out of what could have been a bad situation.

She might have missed you, there's a possibility that she would have reconsidered had you just graciously faded into the sunset after she dumped you and not contacted her even one time after she sent the breakup text, but from how you reacted, you can assume that right now she is just glad to be rid of you and she's probably thinking she dodged a bullet. She'll still be expecting you to just show up somewhere, but over a few weeks and months she'll start to relax.

Next time.. if you're going out with a girl, for a week or a month or even a year, if she says she wants out, just say "ok" and move on with your life. Forget about "asking the reasons why" or begging for another chance. It just won't work.


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## Jellybeans

PBear said:


> Yes, it was cold. Given the timing, maybe it had something to do with your DUI, and she no longer cares about hurting you or having you in her life. No matter what her reason, the answer is still the same. Leave her alone and move on with your life.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:



ldobbler said:


> I need to get my own life together before I could share it with someone else.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Indeed. You will be fine. Just concentrate on you, forget her as best you can and do not reach out to her.


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## Jellybeans

lenzi said:


> Next time.. if you're going out with a girl, for a week or a month or even a year, if she says she wants out, just say "ok" and move on with your life. Forget about "asking the reasons why" or begging for another chance. It just won't work.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## ldobbler

lenzi said:


> Next time.. if you're going out with a girl, for a week or a month or even a year, if she says she wants out, just say "ok" and move on with your life. Forget about "asking the reasons why" or begging for another chance. It just won't work.


I guess that's the problem with being with the same woman for 20 yrs....and then being forced to be out there again. I'm WAY out of practice...I was just a kid when I met my STBX. :scratchhead:

Thanks for the advice.


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## lenzi

ldobbler said:


> I guess that's the problem with being with the same woman for 20 yrs....and then being forced to be out there again. I'm WAY out of practice...I was just a kid when I met my STBX. :scratchhead:
> 
> Thanks for the advice.


Let's be honest here. 

Practice has nothing to do with this.


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## Clark G

I was in your shoes. I didn't do some of the stuff you indicate in your posts but we all learn from each experience.

Personally what I realized was that I was not ready for a new relationship and I backed off all dating situations for a while.

Women don't want a needy dude that doesn't have confidence and stand on his own two feet. They aren't attracted to that and the ones that may be - you don't want necessarily.

Much of the advice given has been solid. Focus on yourself first and get through the divorce (I thinik I read you were still going through it?).

It will make you stronger and better prepared for the next person by making yourself better first. Otherwise you'll just end up in a situation you don't want to be in.

good luck

joe


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## hereinthemidwest

Honest...i guy i went out with he and I party all the time. He too was sooo fast. I looked at my life. Seldom was around my teenage son to busy hanging with my BF. He too got a d.u.i. AND I WOKE THE HELL UP. And I relized I need to focus on my son, job and myself. I rather be alone then with someone wrong for me. 

I did tell him over the phone and not by text. But I was seriously thinking about calling in www.idump4u.com that breaks up with someone your seeing.


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