# What else can she do?



## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

My fWW wife is really fighting her guilt on her hating herself right now. She seems to be searching for a quick fix to get us past this painful period. At least every second day there is a conversation that leads to tears. She is doing everything I have asked her to do at this point and we are waiting untill the new year to start MC. Will get us through the holidays and will be the amount of time I've needed proven NC so she can get through withdrawal. She keeps asking me what else she can do? There is really nothing more I want her to do at this point. All is say is we need NC, honestly, transperancy, and time. The love is there. I love her and I believe she loves me but it's gonna take a lot of time. I have said it will help if she keeps reading and learning. I have also sent her here. I
told her a DS can really help people on here and maybe that would help with the guilt a bit. She will be reading this. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell her to read here.

I don't know your story but yeah, tell her it's either NC or no marriage. 

Do no waiver from that.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

As a cheater myself coming here definitely helped me. Unfortunately though there are no quick fixes. Cheating sucks and it leaves a mark on your forever, just the way it is. The people here can help her learn how to process it, accept it and live with it, but no one can make it go away. 

Having her read and learn about herself and the reasons she did what she did are really good. The only thing that the two of you can do is to keep communicating. Likely MC will help, but at the end of the day it's really the two of you communicating that will help the most. 16 months later my wife and I still talk about my affair a lot - as recently as last night.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

lots of BJ's



(just tryin' to help you out)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Blow jobs are great but they aren't going to help her guilt or his pain over her betrayal or the instilling of no contact.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

speaking of which....


I recall Arnold saying before he got banned that some form of restitution gift is common in some cultures. To me it wasn't a terrible idea. It won't "make it all better" but it can help I think. If money is a problem she can always do some form of service for you that she ordinarily wouldn't have.


(just throwin it out there, have no experience with this)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Arnold said a lot of bullsh!t.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Arnold said a lot of bullsh!t.


well yeah, misogyny aside, he had some points


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

As a fellow cheater, I agree with Sigma.

Individual counseling helps. Being able to talk to someone that is not a friend, family, or anything like that is somehow better. Besides, they have heard it all before and can help provide guidance in finding out more about yourself. 

It's still only been a few months for me, and it's a struggle every day to wake up and know that I'm a cheater. Just looking at my wife causes me pain by knowing that I hurt her so deeply, and that I can never undo what I did.

I welcome your wife to PM me if she would like if she wants to share her thoughts and ask questions. What she is going through is still very fresh in my mind. I've had others PM me and it's mutually beneficial for healing.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lots of BJ's
> 
> 
> 
> (just tryin' to help you out)


:iagree:

MC, make sure you get a good one ,ours was a joke, keep trying to get one that works...they have to fit with you both...

Best of luck!!


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lots of BJ's
> 
> 
> 
> (just tryin' to help you out)


Ha! I'll try that. No problem in the sex department though. We have always had great chemistry. Used it to cover up a lot of marriage issues. We would fight, have great sex and not really talk about the issues. As a the the marriage "uneducated" man I was thought it must be ok now because we just had great sex. I was so blind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Is she still in contact with the OM? Do you know who OM is? Is he married/partnered?


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

HerToo said:


> As a fellow cheater, I agree with Sigma.
> 
> Individual counseling helps. Being able to talk to someone that is not a friend, family, or anything like that is somehow better. Besides, they have heard it all before and can help provide guidance in finding out more about yourself.
> 
> ...


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> lots of BJ's


and Steak.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

She has gone NC and wrote a NC letter. I have access to emails, texts etc and have found nothing. She knows if there is contact the marriage is over. We do not know the status of the OM/OMW marriage at this point. OMW knows everything because she was the one who informed me on D-day #2.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Understood. You would have to see the PM's at all times so there are no secrets.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Understood. You would have to see the PM's at all times so there are no secrets.


This is kinda how my wife's EA/PA started. OM was having problems in his marriage, we were having problems in ours. They began to talk about it at work and it progressed from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustaJerk (Dec 2, 2011)

> Arnold said a lot of bullsh!t.


:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)




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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> This is kinda how my wife's EA/PA started. OM was having problems in his marriage, we were having problems in ours. They began to talk about it at work and it progressed from there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, those are BS excuses. They were having trouble in their marriage and we were having trouble in ours...so, lets have and affair!

Truth is, she made a choice to cheat, it wasn't circumstance; it was a choice. Look, you can take the blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can take the other 50%. But, her choice to cheat on you was 100% on her. With cheating. There are no excuses, just choices. And she made the choice to cheat.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

I don't think it's a BS excuse. That's how these things start. They don't start with I love you's, or your my soulmate, or I'm ginna leave my husband for you. Yes she made the decision to cheat but probably not during Thier first conversation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

dingerdad said:


> I don't think it's a BS excuse. That's how these things start. They don't start with I love you's, or your my soulmate, or I'm ginna leave my husband for you. Yes she made the decision to cheat but probably not during Thier first conversation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But she made the choice to have the second!


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> lots of BJ's
> 
> 
> 
> (just tryin' to help you out)


Ok, enough of that.....:sleeping:


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> and Steak.


We all know what you want tonight Pit, thanks for sharing.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

Wanabeelee said:


> But she made the choice to have the second!


Yes she did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I agree that the MC has to have quite a bit of experience on the topic of infidility. Our first counselor was god awful. We were just R. and hubby's emotions were over the top and all over the place (still are really), and I was withdrawing/mourning the piece of crap. This counselor had no effin' idea what idea what he was talking about. The worse was he wouldn't let my husband express any emotion, and would cut him off. He told him once "take off your superman cape" WTF. During the same session the idiot wheeled his chair within 2 feet of me (really invading my space), and proceeded to draw hearts while explaining some stupid scenerio. Hubby was in a rage, he was like "that [email protected] guy is hitting on you", anyway, maybe or maybe not, but the end result was we never went back.

I'm in the process of doing some interviews lol, sounds weird but yeah, not going through that again, and it will be a female therapist no doubt.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

working_together said:


> We all know what you want tonight Pit, thanks for sharing.


Eff the steak, I want some pie.


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