# Completely lost.......



## OUTRAGEDSTI (Nov 12, 2008)

Hello, I'm a 25 year old male and my wife is 29. We married when i was 21. For the past three years I've been unhappy with my marriage.. I think that it's my fault that it isn't going very well. I should have stuck up for myself and what I thought was right, but I always thought i would be happy by making her happy and agreeing at all costs. As for example ( she wanted to go out with her friends, I have no problem with that but instead of just saying im going out she crushed up sleeping pill and put the dust into my drink.) I'm still upset to this day about that one instance among many others. I told her it was ok but inside it added to the growing resentment I have for her. I make double what she does and because of issues with her parents fighting about money she said " I have a control issue with money" I said ok well you can control all of it.. So for 4 years I have been on a $50 a week budget for fuel (i have a large truck) and food or anything else I would like to do. I make 75K a year. I don't know what to do. I'm miserable, tired, worn down. I call her everymorning when she gets off of work hoping I will feel something, but don't feel anything. Our time we do spend together is quiet and it feels like we are roomates... She "I think" still loves me very much but I don't know how I feel anymore towards her and have communicated all of this to her.. Anyone else gone through this? Does it come back to life? She and I have talked about divorce but I don't know if thats what I want.. Thanks


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

OUTRAGEDSTI said:


> Hello, I'm a 25 year old male and my wife is 29. We married when i was 21. For the past three years I've been unhappy with my marriage.. I think that it's my fault that it isn't going very well. I should have stuck up for myself and what I thought was right, but I always thought i would be happy by making her happy and agreeing at all costs. As for example ( she wanted to go out with her friends, I have no problem with that but instead of just saying im going out she crushed up sleeping pill and put the dust into my drink.) I'm still upset to this day about that one instance among many others. I told her it was ok but inside it added to the growing resentment I have for her. I make double what she does and because of issues with her parents fighting about money she said " I have a control issue with money" I said ok well you can control all of it.. So for 4 years I have been on a $50 a week budget for fuel (i have a large truck) and food or anything else I would like to do. I make 75K a year. I don't know what to do. I'm miserable, tired, worn down. I call her everymorning when she gets off of work hoping I will feel something, but don't feel anything. Our time we do spend together is quiet and it feels like we are roomates... She "I think" still loves me very much but I don't know how I feel anymore towards her and have communicated all of this to her.. Anyone else gone through this? Does it come back to life? She and I have talked about divorce but I don't know if thats what I want.. Thanks


3 out of 4 years unhappy. it hasn't ALL been unhappy, right?

first, the money...you guys should have a weekly "business meeting," talk about the family budget, how it's not working for you. bring a "spead sheet (just write down what you spend and when, complete with receipts) and request more money if you really need it. good news is, if you're only spending $50 a week on 75k a year, you guys should have a pretty nice savings going, right?

you say you call her every day waiting to "feel something?" what are you waiting to feel? you'll see the reference to the phrase "love is a verb" on this forum. it's true. idea:

go buy the book "the love dare." it's about 14 bucks. it's a workbook. start tomorrow with day one. it'll take you 40 days to do it all. if by the end you aren't having loving feelings...well...trust me, you will. AND go see the movie "fireproof" with her. it's a wake up call.

PS--the sleeping pill. that was a dirty trick that could kill someone. under no circumstances should that occur. i hope she understands that today.


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## OUTRAGEDSTI (Nov 12, 2008)

She asked me to marry her, I said yes after about 7 months into the relationship I felt more like a tool of convienence than a husband, as far as savings go not 10's of thousands but a little which she recently moved to an account I don't know about. ( she felt that she had to protect it from me). I also should have added in there that I don't even like her touching me at all, have a discusted feeling when she does. And yes she does understand today that it was a poor move to taint my drink, she is in the pharmaceutacial business( could have lost her license ). thank you for replying I'll check that book out. Just finished "no more mister nice guy" very good self help book .


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

OUTRAGEDSTI said:


> Just finished "no more mister nice guy" very good self help book .


sounds like a perfect book for you to read. you're right, you've been a horrible pushover. sounds like you're afraid of confrontation, or maybe you're afraid that if you do confront her she wont think you love her. definitely start standing up for yourself. it'll be messy and ugly, since you've never done it before, but just keep trying and you'll get the hang of it.


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## angus (Nov 13, 2008)

I don't know if I can offer much help, but I do understand. I have been married four years and am 27, so we are in a similar spot in life. My husband and I are also at the "roommate" place. I think that is a bigger issue then the money. My husband and I have had our good and bad times when it comes to money, but in the end what makes someone unhappy in a relationship I think, is the relationship, or lack of one. I wish I knew what to say to help find a way, but as I said I am really just in the same place, with a slighly different view. I think what we need to focus on is how can we mend the relationship from a friendship/roommate to a loving, intimate relationship?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

okay, again get the book "the love dare" and see the movie "fireproof" but also get james dobson's book "love must be tough." it has a different flavor than love dare, but it'll help you in the "toughen up" mode that ljtseng is telling you about.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

SHE gives YOU an allowance from YOUR OWN money?!? 

Dude, open a new account and direct deposit your paycheck into it! She has a job so she has "her" own money! Forget the spreadsheet and "business meeting". 

This has GOT TO STOP NOW! Especially if she put the money away into an account you don't know about! (and to protect it from YOU?!? More likely to protect it FOR HER!) 

She's going to bleed you dry and you know that. 

And that sleeping pill thing...OUTRAGEOUS! Obviously she wanted you out of the picture for something. If she's going out with friends I'd bet they are MALE friends. You could literally die for her! 

If you don't think you want a divorce, the there is truly no hope for you. She will have your money and your life. She certainly doesn't want your heart!


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

dcrim said:


> SHE gives YOU an allowance from YOUR OWN money?!?
> 
> Wow... sounds just like my wife she gave me 20$ a week for whatever I wanted to spend it on.. the one good thing about it is now that we are separated I can control my spending much better...
> 
> ...


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## OUTRAGEDSTI (Nov 12, 2008)

Last night we sat down and went over the bills , she just about broke down after I told her that we will split everything. I've started my own checking account and have taken control of the majority of the bills. After the little meeting we had, she just started crying and crying saying " i never needed anyone to pay my car payment before." Is this a tactic to regain control? I feel bad but went through with it. Someone on here said that she was acting like my mother, that was exactly how I felt! This entire process feels like I've just left home from my Parents ( i have not left my wife just the feeling).


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

OUTRAGEDSTI said:


> Last night we sat down and went over the bills , she just about broke down after I told her that we will split everything. I've started my own checking account and have taken control of the majority of the bills. After the little meeting we had, she just started crying and crying saying " i never needed anyone to pay my car payment before." Is this a tactic to regain control? I feel bad but went through with it. Someone on here said that she was acting like my mother, that was exactly how I felt! This entire process feels like I've just left home from my Parents ( i have not left my wife just the feeling).


good for you. the "business meeting" suggestion was just a tactic to take "blame" out of her court. it worked!!!




OUTRAGEDSTI said:


> she just started crying and crying saying " i never needed anyone to pay my car payment before." Is this a tactic to regain control? ).


no, it is not a tactic to regain control. it is her saying she feels sad because she's never needed anyone to make her car payment before. clear as a bell. she's let pride/ego play into the mix. not uncommon. and so what. you're approaching finances like it were a business partnership, which it is! and it's working.


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## OUTRAGEDSTI (Nov 12, 2008)

Went to my counciling appt. After talking to him he stated that both of us are quite different, i'm go with the flow she is strict planner. Is it possible for those two different personalities to ever co-exist? Last night we went to dinner and she still is smothering me with questions like how i'm feeling, what she can do to help. I don't know why these simple questions annoy me so badly.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

OUTRAGEDSTI said:


> Is it possible for those two different personalities to ever co-exist?


oh ya, definitely possible. im a very go with the flow person. especially when it comes to finances. my H, however, has spreadsheets documenting everything. it's like ten pages and covers about three years of spending. He reads books and looks into investment stuff. 

I think it comes down to respecting each other and how you both like to live your life. she can do things her way, and you can do things your way. there's a little compromise involved, but its not hard to do. the problems start when one, or both, start thinking that just because you're married, that you both have to do things the same way.


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