# Giving up my dog (she'll probably be put down)



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Long story short I adopted a dog right before I found out for sure my ex was lying to me. I found out later that in addition to being lied to about her age (and I got her through a rescue group and we had to pay a $600 donation to the group to get her, even though she came directly from her prior owner...) and her health, that she was poorly socialized and had anxiety issues.

Well, I kept her when I left my ex and still have her and she has recently developed horrible problems with pee and poop and eating stuff she shouldn't including legos any kind of small plastic toys and cat poop if she can't get cat poop then cat litter will do so long as it's not fresh out of the bag. She never plays with the kids and at night she will try to sneak into their room to eat toys or go check out the cat litter. Up until just today I was accommodating but today I snapped. Nope I didn't get mad I was just like this dog is useless and she's 11 years old and her life sucks and she's going senile. It's winter and she hates the cold so taking her for a walk is not an option. If I do take her for a walk she will not poop in one place nope she just lets it fall out here and there as a result i have to walk looking backwards because my town has a dog poop law. Sometimes I'll use 5 poop bags on one walk. It's ridiculous. I realized today I resent the dog and then I realized I actually hate her. She costs money and contributes nothing. She never played with my kids. 

In fact, my kids and their toys are now squished into one room that has to be kept closed. at first it was only while we were out but now it's at night too. the dog will try to sneak in there when they're sleeping she will eat their toys. I'm not going to close my kids up in a room during winter when it's cold or summer when it's hot. My daughter has dust mite allergies she needs to have fresh air circulating. The dog will pee or poop or vomit while we're sleeping. I can't go anywhere. Before I would have to make arrangements and pay someone $10 a visit if I wanted to be out at her normal time for going outside or eating. The people I paid would even walk her. But now because she eats cat poop or litter and toys or whatever she can find when we're not home and soils and vomits there is no way I can even pay someone for that. I have a work opportunity but it's work study and pays barely, the dog care is $10 a visit. 

The place where I adopted her through is trying to make me feel bad saying dog will have to be put down. I think it's time! Even though physically she is still fit she is mentally incompetent. If she ever was, competent. When I got her she had major anxiety issues. They got better but now that she's older it's just worse. 

I have been through enough with my son being totally incontinent for 7 years and then my boyfriend having a brain hemorrhage and yes being incontinent and senile. I am not going to go through all that just for a dog to keep it alive another year so it can enjoy its senility as though it were a favorite aunt or grandmother. I don't have the finances or the time or energy to pamper a senile old dog. She never bonded with us because of her anxiety issues but we always took care of her anyway...walks grooming, surgery dog care, etc. Whatever it took including all the stupid poop bags on her walks.

I am done with owning a dog. And I hate the stupid guilt the adoption place is trying to make me feel for not caring that if I take her to the county shelter she will be put down because of age and behavior issues, neither of which I am going to lie about. I'm going to make an appt for her and get her vet records but honestly I don't care. I just want her gone. She's not even a dog any more, she's just a problem i want to have solved asap. I've been living with it so long and now I reached my tipping point and I snapped and came to my senses.

I wonder if this is what life does to someone...hardens their emotions so they really won't cry or anything at leaving an animal to be put down. I did work in an animal shelter and anyway a few months ago I decided if she needed any kind of vet care over $600 at her age I would put her down. Especially if she injured her intestines eating contraband legos or plastic animals again. My kids and me are prisoners because of the dog's stupid habits of wanting to eat crap she shouldn't when we're not home or worse sleeping or even just taking a shower or trying to use the toilet or do laundry! I can't crate her when we leave because we have no room for a crate in our apartment also just to go to the grocery store is a 3-hour trip. Also any kids activity is at least 2 hours. Crating is not an option. Dog care is not an option, any more. I already spent loads of money on it. But the way she is with the pee and poop and eating stuff and vomiting and possibly having injury to her intestines and putting a pet care giver in that position would be something I would never do to someone, not even if paying them $10 an hour it's not right.

Anyway, I am going to be glad to have her gone.
So that's my basic grief. The part of me that would care doesn't even exist any more. I suppose that's what my life has done to me. maybe losing my former boyfriend the way I did emotionally hardened me in some way that can never be repaired. I can't date anyone now who doesn't take care of their health. Too much eating, too much drinking, not enough exercise, too much stress, I am not interested at all. I went on a vegan diet and started paying more attention to exercise and to reduce my stress (including the ^&&^%%$$$$##### dog I suppose.) 

The funny thing is, my kids don't bother me at all. They are important priority. I would be crushed if I lost them. And yet I know how life is, so I already have in back of my mind what I need to do if something happens to them, not to allow myself to get swallowed by grief. It is just a waste of time and it uses up resources. It doesn't bring anyone back at all. it just makes it worse. grief and giving in to grief I think that is something for wealthy people. It's not for people of little means. Probably that's why I am dependent on sedative every night. The VA gave it to me so I can function, so my life won't be worse by getting swallowed up in grief. I suppose it was the humane thing to do, and the more I think about it, the more sense it makes. Even though it's covering up stuff with Rx, that's what life requires. In this life, the way our society is set up, that's just the way it needs to be. Even when I lost my dad when I was 17, a few months later no more social security, I had to fend for myself. I joined the military. people said how tough I was? Well what was I supposed to do? Live on the streets on nothing? In rural NH, there aren't even any streets worth living on, lol.


Anyway, I am grieving the loss of grief. For starters, it's not a viable economic option, and it just goes downhill from there.


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## 827Aug

Wow! At least you tried. You should have a clear conscience when you give her up. I think I would probably have her euthanized myself, rather than her go to the shelter though. I'm really very fortunate that my dog is an angel and a lot of fun. Your story makes me appreciate her much more.


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## dubbizle

Look for a no kill shelter in you area or a pet rescue on the net,A lot of times they will take dogs from different parts of the country just start searching the net.


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## 827Aug

dubbizle said:


> Look for a no kill shelter in you area or a pet rescue on the net,A lot of times they will take dogs from different parts of the country just start searching the net.


You really have to be careful when a shelter is listed as a "no kill" shelter. Although some shelters don't euthanize, they have arrangements for transfers.

What bothers me is that someone else _may_ adopt this dog. The next person may not be nearly as patient and compassionate as Homemaker. At 12 years of age this, dog is not going to change for the better.


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## ScaredandUnsure

I feel ya. I adopted a cat from a rescue last year and they lied about his temperment with other animals. Said he was good with them, but yeah he's not. He hates them and torments my 4 yr old cat. He's also attacked raccoons and opposums. He's really an unlikeable animal, at least to me. He's also been spraying in my house recently and I can't even begin to tell you how much that makes me hate him. Now it looks like he's losing weight and getting sick...again. I'm thinking of taking him back to the rescue, he needs a home with no other animals and where he can be the sole attention getter.

Could you take your dog back to the rescue you got her from?


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## ScarletBegonias

As a foster I can't help but feel sorry that the dog will be dumped at a shelter then put to sleep.

She's 11 years old and it sounds like her life with you has been an absolute nightmare...taking her to a strange and scary shelter when she already has anxiety issues is cruel.I get that you hate her and want her gone but do you have to go about it in such a way as to make the last moments of her life full of fear?

I don't think you should keep a dog you hate but there has to be another way to handle putting her down. You should be there with her when it happens. You made a commitment to love her for the rest of her life and that includes being there for her when she is put to death. 

If it's a money thing as far as taking her to your vet and having her put down in a familiar environment, start a chip-in account...I'll pay for her to be put down if you can promise to be there for her when it happens. 

No dog,no matter how horribly behaved they are,deserves to die alone in an unfamiliar environment.

I'm not shaming you for being fed up.Some dogs are simply intolerable and it would be worse for you to keep her and hate her as much as you do.

It sounds like even if you try to find a new home for her,she'll end up being put down bc of all her issues and the fact that she's a senior.So it's better for you to take her to her vet and have it handled.


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## YinPrincess

You say you don't care, but I'm not sure I buy that. 

Have you thought of maybe trying to rehome her on Craigslist or trying a different rescue group? (Btw - $600?? That's ridiculous! What did they do to earn that?!)

I've had problem dogs before. They are a pain in the butt, that's for sure. I don't blame you for being frustrated.

Hoping for the best outcome for all involved... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ScaredandUnsure said:


> I feel ya. I adopted a cat from a rescue last year and they lied about his temperment with other animals. Said he was good with them, but yeah he's not. He hates them and torments my 4 yr old cat. He's also attacked raccoons and opposums. He's really an unlikeable animal, at least to me. He's also been spraying in my house recently and I can't even begin to tell you how much that makes me hate him. Now it looks like he's losing weight and getting sick...again. I'm thinking of taking him back to the rescue, he needs a home with no other animals and where he can be the sole attention getter.
> 
> Could you take your dog back to the rescue you got her from?


You'd think that I could. I contacted them first. I mean, I paid a $600 fee and promised to send her back to them if I couldn't keep her for any reason. I assumed that's what the $600 was for! Nope, they said I was on my own. They don't even have my contract. She wasn't interested at all in helping me place her. WTF!????

I'm going to call around to some other people I know who have rescue dogs and a woman I know who has rescue horses and knows people with money and time and energy and inclincation to rescue dogs, and who know me and my kids.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ScarletBegonias said:


> As a foster I can't help but feel sorry that the dog will be dumped at a shelter then put to sleep.
> 
> She's 11 years old and it sounds like her life with you has been an absolute nightmare...taking her to a strange and scary shelter when she already has anxiety issues is cruel.I get that you hate her and want her gone but do you have to go about it in such a way as to make the last moments of her life full of fear?
> 
> I don't think you should keep a dog you hate but there has to be another way to handle putting her down. You should be there with her when it happens. You made a commitment to love her for the rest of her life and that includes being there for her when she is put to death.
> 
> If it's a money thing as far as taking her to your vet and having her put down in a familiar environment, start a chip-in account...I'll pay for her to be put down if you can promise to be there for her when it happens.
> 
> No dog,no matter how horribly behaved they are,deserves to die alone in an unfamiliar environment.
> 
> I'm not shaming you for being fed up.Some dogs are simply intolerable and it would be worse for you to keep her and hate her as much as you do.
> 
> It sounds like even if you try to find a new home for her,she'll end up being put down bc of all her issues and the fact that she's a senior.So it's better for you to take her to her vet and have it handled.


Calm down. You're as anxious as my dog, maybe even more!
I never said I was going to 'dump' her.

You cannot just dump an animal here in NH. You have to fill out a 4-page form and make an appointment. There is even a fee to leave your animal at a shelter. If she has to be put down because she's not adoptable or doesn't pass the physical for re-adoption or fostering (i.e. she might have terminal brain cancer for all I know) then it's not done as a result of dumping. It's done as a last resort. 

I've put down a dog before, when I adopted it, it turned out it had distemper. I adopted from a no-kill shelter, I paid a big fee for this little dog, then had my heart broken. I was a college student, and I even paid my neighbors to baby sit the dog. Finally one day she had more than one seizure and I had to take her to be put down. Then I had to go and take a final right after. I cried through the exam. Then my instructor accused me of cheating because I'd been crying during the exam. I had to go to a review board and re-take a test under extreme conditions....and I brought my vet record to that exam and showed it to the proctor. I could have lost my commission in the military and my scholarship and my reputation on account of that professor. I really, really, really dislike people who jump to conclusions.

If you know me, you know I'm a Quaker. I have a lot of respect for life. Dumping a dog. Did I say that? Oh, right, I'm not upset at all. That's why I posted here. To brag that I was going to dump my dog and have her killed while I was out partying. Because I'm such a b*tch I don't even need any support, I just want a high five on this one. Sure thing. Thanks.

Sounds like you're one of those people who's better with animals than people.

Up until a few weeks ago I went the distance for her. Then her mental status took a nose dive. She cannot be left alone. I work, I have kids, one of whom has a developmental disability. Get a grip. I can't baby sit an elderly dog with dementia. One who has developed habits that are life-threatening (eating nonfood items when left alone...)


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## ScarletBegonias

wow. you took my post TOTALLY wrong. But that 's fine. No use explaining it. You're obviously heated enough to lash out at someone who is trying to help so whatever. 

You don't have to answer to me for your choices with this animal's life.So there's no point in arguing. I see people like you every single day in the rescue world and it's sad for ALL involved.

and when you take a dog to a shelter...it IS dumping them.


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## YinPrincess

Homemaker, you are always calm, level-headed, in control and objective... I think this IS really eating you up.

You gave the dog a chance. For whatever reason it just didn't work out. You may even feel a little guilty about it - that's NORMAL. I think SB was just trying to give her perspective on things - she has compassion for you just like she has compassion for your dog. 

What is your dog's name?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## YinPrincess

ScarletBegonias said:


> wow. you took my post TOTALLY wrong. But that 's fine. No use explaining it. You're obviously heated enough to lash out at someone who is trying to help so whatever.
> 
> You don't have to answer to me for your choices with this animal's life.So there's no point in arguing. I see people like you every single day in the rescue world and it's sad for ALL involved.
> 
> and when you take a dog to a shelter...it IS dumping them.


She's upset, whether she realizes it or not. It's a tough situation to be in, I was in one similar (dog with major health issues) for several years. It's just not easy. (I'm sure, being a foster, you know how tough it can be).

I wouldn't take her response personally. I think it's very out of character for her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41

Homemaker, I feel for your situation. I'm an animal lover too. Until 4 months ago we had 2 terriers but one of them had mental issues and became nervous, anxious and aggressive towards the other dog, she also bit my H. We took her to the vet and he advised us to have her put to sleep. I would say it was a tough decision, but it wasn't, it was the BEST thing to do for the dog and my family. The house was full of stress with her and I was worried about her around my kids. It sounds like you have given it a good to with this dog, but your sanity must come first. I know you are going to, but please don't feel guilty and don't feel as if you have to justify your actions. Do what's best for your family and the dog.
Hugs
X
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ScarletBegonias said:


> wow. you took my post TOTALLY wrong. But that 's fine. No use explaining it. You're obviously heated enough to lash out at someone who is trying to help so whatever.
> 
> You don't have to answer to me for your choices with this animal's life.So there's no point in arguing. I see people like you every single day in the rescue world and it's sad for ALL involved.
> 
> and when you take a dog to a shelter...it IS dumping them.


I'm a linguist. And dumping is a negative word. I believe the correct terminology that all of the shelters here in NH use is called 'surrendering.' Not one site uses the word dump. You used an inflammatory word and an overly negative one, and people who do this do it for one reason and one reason only - to incite argument and to be critical.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

YinPrincess said:


> Homemaker, you are always calm, level-headed, in control and objective... I think this IS really eating you up.
> 
> You gave the dog a chance. For whatever reason it just didn't work out. You may even feel a little guilty about it - that's NORMAL. I think SB was just trying to give her perspective on things - she has compassion for you just like she has compassion for your dog.
> 
> What is your dog's name?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yah, I was lied to. Just like my marriage. And I have put up with it for over two years, despite expense and accommodations for the dog. Because I didn't have the guts to force the confrontation that needed to happen when I took home a sick dog who needed surgery and who had behavior issues that were clearly inconsistent with my family situation and my financial ability. Lesson learned. The buck was passed to me. Those people who lied to me didn't want to put her down because then everyone would have criticized them for their decision. 

Maybe I should lie on the forms, and she'll go to another unsuspecting family and then have to be put down. But I can tell myself it was justifiable to give her the best chance? I don't think so! 

I can't lie. Even if other people can.


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## ScarletBegonias

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I'm a linguist. And dumping is a negative word. I believe the correct terminology that all of the shelters here in NH use is called 'surrendering.' Not one site uses the word dump. You used an inflammatory word and an overly negative one, and people who do this do it for one reason and one reason only - to incite argument and to be critical.



I don't say things around here incite argument or to be critical.I apologize if the first word that comes to my mind when someone speaks of taking a senior dog to a shelter is grating at you because you're a linguist.

When it comes to "surrendering" a senior dog at a shelter, there aren't enough negative words to describe it. 

Since it's obvious you prefer those who are going to applaud you for your patience and tell you that turning an already confused and frightened dog to a shelter to be put down is the right thing to do I'll bow out of this thread. Good luck to you and to your pet.


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## 2ntnuf

Quote: I wonder if this is what life does to someone...hardens their emotions so they really won't cry or anything at leaving an animal to be put down.

I had to fend for myself. I joined the military. people said how tough I was? Well what was I supposed to do? Live on the streets on nothing?



HNU,

I think the tough things in life show us our weakness and our need for some dependence on others. The old saying, "No man is an island", comes to mind.

I also think life makes us decide what is important for each of us. It forces us to make the tough decisions. 

I believe our emotions are there to temper decisions. If we were only logical beings, we probably would not have lasted on this earth as long as we have as a species.

You are not alone. My XW and I had to put a beloved cat down. The cat was my buddy. It was difficult and I cried. Cremating her and keeping a lock of her fur helped with the transition. She finally was at peace.

There is something you can logically take away from this experience that will enhance your life. Someday, it will come to you. It isn't necessary to dwell on that. Most of the important lessons I learned came long after the incident which caused my suffering, at the least expected moment.

I believe we choose to harden ourselves to life and emotions. I believe we must in order to survive. As long as this hardening is not without some emotional thought, I think we are fine. 

I hope this helps you, HNU. Isn't it interesting to find you still care?


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## YinPrincess

Homemaker I honestly don't think SB was trying to reach out to incite conflict... I think she was trying to reach out in compassion and from a place of good intentions. Just like I think this probably bothers you very much. 

Try a different rescue group or maybe Craigslist... There ARE people out there who will help this dog with whatever she needs... Even if that's an end to her suffering.

I know what you're going through. My ex surprised me with a puppy after my other dog was tragically killed. My new puppy, as it turns out, had severe epilepsy. I mean SEVERE. She would seize up to three times a day, even on two different kinds of meds to control it. Whenever she seized she would poo and pee everywhere and it was constant clean-up.

Not only did we spend $$ on the vets (both regular care and care/stitches for all the times she injured herself), and her meds, and all the tests and whatnot, we were putting in a LOT of time with this poor thing, holding her down during her violent post-ictal phase. (Much, much worse than the actual seizures and lasted for an hour sometimes). There were times her personality changed, she was blind or even went deaf. She did weird things like run backwards, flip herself over and try to chew through walls!! It was so tough and so stressful, and it wasn't her fault. She was just made that way.

Sadly, only 6 years into her life she had to be put down because the meds she took to "control" her seizures damaged her liver and kidneys. 

I KNOW what it's like to have a difficult dog, and I didn't even have a job or kids to worry about then, so I can see why you're stressed and feeling very charged up about this. Anyone would be!

Do what you feel in your heart is best for you and your dog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScaredandUnsure

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You'd think that I could. I contacted them first. I mean, I paid a $600 fee and promised to send her back to them if I couldn't keep her for any reason. I assumed that's what the $600 was for! Nope, they said I was on my own. They don't even have my contract. She wasn't interested at all in helping me place her. WTF!????
> 
> I'm going to call around to some other people I know who have rescue dogs and a woman I know who has rescue horses and knows people with money and time and energy and inclincation to rescue dogs, and who know me and my kids.


Shame on that rescue! Unfortunately I think it's because she's an older dog and in most cases, unadoptable now. I'm sure the rescue I got my cat from would be the same way, an unadoptable animal taking up space when all the cute, young animals will be in and out.

I haven't read everyone's replies since I posted, but have you tried calling around to other rescues (sorry if you have and I didn't see it)? Or asking someone you know, maybe without kids, if they'd like to take her so she can live out the rest of her days with them? Sometimes it just takes a certain type of person to handle the problems with an elder animal. Or is there a humane society in your area? Around here they will vet senior animals up, temperment test them and at least put them into a foster home.

But I totally understand where you're coming from. It's exasperating sometimes and I think you've reached your limit.

Good luck, I really hope she doesn't get put down and you can find somewhere for her to spend her Golden Years.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

There are so many other terms that are more suitable than DUMPING.

I did find a humane society that would take her.
It happens to be not only in the general area of where I receive Veteran's health care (including in the recent past mental health services) but also in an area where the demographics are more educated and more wealthy and a bit more elderly (i.e. higher chances of finding retired person who can care for dog) than the norm. Actually significantly more so than the norm. 

They understood that the stress (economic, mental, physical) of caring for the dog along with myself and my children was making the entire situation worse, which is worse for the dog, as her aging and ability to deal with stress is decreasing (something I can understand only too well.)

Amazingly, now that this significant stress is gone, I can actually think straight, my headache is gone, I feel less panicked, I have more hope, I don't feel like crying any more, and I am looking forward to being able to go to work and also to take my children to activities and to do errands, even to go camping this summer without paying more for dog care while I'm away than it costs to go camping with my kids (including food, gas, tent site.) 

There is no way I could afford any extraordinary vet care for my dog. Last summer I ended up getting food stamps because of my low-paying research job, it's ridiculous to ask the state to pay for food for me and my kids because I don't have savings on account of taking care of a dog I would never have adopted in the first place if I had known how old she was and how many issues she had (including the tumor she's had surgery for.)

Anyway, stress symptoms and craziness gone, headache gone, panick gone...feeling sane again. I am supposed to avoid stress. Dog situation = stress. 

When it comes to my mental health and my ability to parent, vs. making things nice nice for an 11 year old dog, guess which side the scales are tipped on? Actually, the situation had it continued would have ended up with me having a mental health crisis and possibly admission, which would have meant that the dog would have to be surrendered, if not my kids too :-o I know what pushes me over the edge and what I can deal with. An aging demented dog with pee and poop and eating toys and cat poop and kitty litter that I can't really afford is edge-pushing. I don't need to be in that place.

I'm happy to be able to bring her this afternoon. Getting my kids from school, picking up the vet records, and hitting the road. And yes, I buckle up my dog when she's in the car. It's the right thing to do. For everyone's safety.

If I have time I will go to a humane society and walk dogs or whatever. I also help take care of rescued horses at times. I'm not an evil person I'm human. I have human limits.

I didn't want to do Craig's List because I've had to intervene with animals in the past who were 'rescued' by well-meaning people who lived in horrible situations. The dogs ended up at our shelter anyway, and with more behavior issues than they might have had in the beginning. I mean, we were connected to the police department, the place where I worked in an animal shelter, we were a branch of the police department and had a full time officer. So we would get the history of each confiscated animal. Usually it was a person living on the margins of society who felt moved or compelled to save the animal from the pound, where surely he or she would be mercilessly put down. It took a lot for us to put an animal down. But there were quite a few. Our freezer had to be emptied weekly. (Metro DC.)

And yes it does bother me. I feel more of a failure for lacking any love for my dog than I do for failing to be able to CONTINUE (I never stopped) providing for her physical and basic needs. I feel like most people are attached to their animals. I don't think I ever attached to her. I was accused recently and rather brutally of not being attached emotionally, for lacking some kind of basic human emotion. However when my boyfriend almost died of a brain hemorrhage I sobbed horribly and uncontrollably, I would break out in tears at the drop of a hat for a couple months. I had to be sedated, I had to spend the night as a 'visitor' in a lodge room at a hospital, really put down and under for a good 12 hours. I could not safely drive myself home that night, because I hadn't slept and I couldn't sleep but I also couldn't think straight. I was so distraught. So it bothers me that some guy who was seeing other women while acting like I was the only one and having started a physical relationship with me, when I found out and cut him off, would tell me something was wrong with me emotionally (I don't have sex with men unless they are going to commit emotionally, this guy admitted he wanted fun and wasn't committed...then got mad because I was lacking emotional attachment? WTF!) Yah, after being treated the way I am half the time by people who are mean and rude, and being used the way I was what with being lied to about the dog, my marriage, this relationship with the guy making the accusations, I'm not surprised I'm a little hesitant to be attached. Duh. At least I'm attached to myself and trying to do self care, and I love my kids and want to be able to do for them, over a dog I know I can't handle and am starting to resent and definitely can't afford.

I think the incapacitating headache I had yesterday that I almost went to the ER for was probably due to increased blood pressure from latent stress. It feels to to have identified the problem and found a solution.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I I were me giving advice to me I would have advised me to do exactly what I did do.  Sanity is everything. If you lose that, you have nothing.

Funny when I was protesting that I needed to keep my MARRIAGE, everyone was telling me how abusive he was and that I should leave and divorce...but I insisted that people and relationships were not disposable, and people came down on me very harshly and viciously for not being of sound enough mind to leave my husband. Now I am trying to keep my sanity and health by ending a relationship with my dog that has become untenable with family/home life and my ability to cope, etc. and people are saying I must remain loyal to dog. Above all else. I didn't end my abusive marriage to be put in the nut house by a dog with emerging dementia.


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## Freak On a Leash

You did the right thing. Before my daughter was born we had a dog that tore apart my house. The dog couldn't be trained. It crapped all over the house, ate my couch and was a horror to deal with. I called up the breeder, who gave me the number of a rescue group and they found a good home for her on a farm. I'm sure the dog was much happier there and I sure was. I was 9 months pregnant and the last thing I needed to deal with was a psycho pup. 

3 years later, right before my son was born, our 13 year old dog had a really bad skin condition and kidney failure. The dog was peeing all over the house and stinking it up. I took him to the shelter and had him put down. He was too sick to put up for adoption. 

Yes, it was sad but sometimes you do what you have to do to maintain your sanity. Fortunately dogs, unlike people, don't sit and brood about what will happen to them. They don't dwell, the live in the here and now. 

If you feel better about the end result then you did the right thing. Don't worry, just don't get another dog anytime soon. 

15 years later I don't have a dog or any pet and never intend to get one and believe me, my kids have begged for a dog many times. I told them "when you have your own house, you can get one but not in my house."


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

I took her in and she pooped three separate times inside despite having had the opportunity to go outside, and then she pee'd as well after that she vomited. This is the same behavior she has at home, if any little thing bothers her. The problem is, every little thing does bother her. I think she is going blind and is slightly demented so this makes it even worse. 

We came home and all three of us breathed a sigh of relief. Our 1-bedroom apartment seems a lot bigger and now we can do something besides how to not upset the dog in any way, which is really what it came down to. Living our life with over 100 rules and heuristics and caveats that had to do specifically with the dog, and the dog's issues. It was her going to shelter or me going to the nut house.

Of course this comes on the heels of how not to upset the husband in any given way including respecting his habits and his way of doing things. 

Ugh, even in my dog-person relationship I was being codependent. I literally was not doing things that I needed to be doing because of how it might affect the dog. Everything and I do mean everything revolved around her. I had to be attendant to when the cat pooped to get in there to get it after having to look at the dog and tell her to stay. I would sometimes delay leaving the house because the cat was making moves to maybe use the litter box and it was worth it to stay to be able to flush his poop, this meant the kids being a little bit later than they wanted to be for school, keeping them waiting in the car, running the car longer than necessary...even coming home from grocery shopping we would have to come in, in a certain order, because the dog needed to come out, and if she saw me at all she would turn around on the stairs and want to come back in to be fed rather than going outside to do her business. These are just examples there are more like not leaving the door to the bedroom open, never being able to open my sofa bed in the evening before going out (because dog might barf or pee on it) and having to be super quiet opening it later on because it might wake up the woman who lives below me after her swing shift...


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## 2ntnuf

I think you are doing fine, HNU. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be happy, too. Let it go. We all tend to be codependent around animals. They cannot do all that they need on their own. Someone has to do it for them. You are fine.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

2ntnuf said:


> I think you are doing fine, HNU. Try not to be too hard on yourself. You don't deserve it. You deserve to be happy, too. Let it go. We all tend to be codependent around animals. They cannot do all that they need on their own. Someone has to do it for them. You are fine.


Unfortunately, because of my intelligence and energy, I over-accommodate and keep doing it for a lot longer than I really should, because in addition to intelligent and energetic, I'm also very human. It seems that I like being able to say I am making a sacrifice to help someone or something, beyond the point of what's normal. Maybe it makes me feel more competent, but it sure as heck doesn't make me feel good. Therapy has helped in that now I can recognize when this is happening, and stop it before it really goes too far. I was remembering this morning during my work out the time I dated a blind diabetic guy, and the great lengths I went to, to help him, and his guide dog. I have come a long way since then. :smthumbup: 

It was like I had some kind of slot-machine syndrome. I really want people to be successful or to have more than just one small problem solved, so once I commit to something, I overcommit, even when it's a lost cause, and I seemed to have specialized in lost causes, or in rather, smacking my head against the wall repeatedly. In some cases, such as with my son who was born with the spinal cord disorder, this trait is incredibly useful. If I hadn't stopped trying, and wanting to solve the problem of his intractable incontinence, to get his MRI that he very much needed for diagnosis, he could have had permanent nerve damage and had to live with being incontinent and behind in most gross motor skills the rest of his life. As it was, he got surgery when he was 7, about 3-4 years after I became convinced that his problem was a tethered spinal cord (it was, also thyroid which I also detected something wrong hormonally and kept pursuing that until he got diagnosed when he was 9 and started thyroid replacement...) So tenacity if that's what you want to call it, is a good strength, but it is also very much my Achille's heel. I am stupid like a badger. I latch onto something and then I don't want to let go. The way of the badger. lol. It can be good or it can be bad, if you latch onto someone's boot, then they gonna drag you through the mud.

I think though that I'm still very sensitive, obviously, to people telling me I am somehow less than human or some kind of sociopath for needing to draw the line, to do what it is that preserves my own health and sanity. It's not just financial, but I realized that because of the cost of dog sitter and the anxiety meds for her, and the grooming and feeding and vet care and registration, that I was spending over 10% of my earned income on the dog, and that doesn't include the lost work opportunities, or the fact that a lot of places that I could possibly rent, if I ever need or want to move to a place where we can have more than 1 bedroom (8 year old girl, 12 year old boy, and me,) a lot of places aren't possible because of a dog. Especially one that pees and poops on the floor. Eventually we would have had damages here. First it was just poop but then it became pee as well. Which is a lot more difficult to remove.


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## 2ntnuf

You made a decision. You only have to convince yourself. No one can convince you. You cannot convince them. You can only try to understand their perspective, if it is necessary. Most times, it is not necessary. 

“You can please some of the people some of the time all of the people some of the time some of the people all of the time but you can never please all of the people all of the time.”


― Abraham Lincoln


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

ScarletBegonias said:


> I don't say things around here incite argument or to be critical.I apologize if the first word that comes to my mind when someone speaks of taking a senior dog to a shelter is grating at you because you're a linguist.
> 
> When it comes to "surrendering" a senior dog at a shelter, there aren't enough negative words to describe it.
> 
> Since it's obvious you prefer those who are going to applaud you for your patience and tell you that turning an already confused and frightened dog to a shelter to be put down is the right thing to do I'll bow out of this thread. Good luck to you and to your pet.


LOL, I could bring her to doggy day care every day and it would be worse, or leave her here and get her a sitter which would change every so often at random. Can't hardly see that's good for her. Fact is, I'm up against the wall. I can't be home with her due to my schedule and travel needs and any situation that I can think of will only make it worse for her, at least in this home.

Now, shame on the organization that collected my $600 and wouldn't even help me place her directly in a home rather than go via the shelter.

Sh*t happens. I had no clue my cheating lying husband was going to come home on leave and rape me even though I was putting out and letting him go through reconciliation with me. (He failed not just due to the rape but subsequent issues.) It's the dog or me. I win. America isn't all Disney World. If I were still living in farm country where it's legal I would have put her down the way we used to put down the goats we were culling. She is old and demented, not anxious because of lack of care and love. When she gets confused and ends up crapping on the floor and peeing, she knows it wasn't right, that's what makes her anxious. She's going blind and we live on the top floor of an apartment building. It's not okay for a dog to be soiling the floors in this place and we're not moving. There is nowhere to move to. I kept her a lot longer than I should of and I was starting to have worse anxiety issues than her due to her behavior. I almost ended up having to go check myself into the psych unit. Since she left, I've been able to reduce my meds, which I can't be on forever. 

Being called out on not accommodating three human lives to take care of an aging and demented dog is ridiculous! This is a support forum for humans, hence, grief over losing dog. Like when I lost my boyfriend, some people said I ought to have saved him from his sister being a guardian, and got an attorney and fought for visitation and to be his care giver. My attorney whom 
I've known for decades told me to let it go. In some cases, there is just no winner. It just generally s*cks! And life goes on.


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## ImperfectMomma

I am in a very similar situation. I can't walk out of the room without the freaking dog trying to get into something, he barks randomly at you and won't stop, he barks incessantly if he's not getting his own way which includes waking me up randomly in the middle of the night- for no reason, he has recently started getting a little violent towards my kids friends (2 of them), hurts my 3 kids on a regular basis (accidents) and literally sky rockets my stress level. I am a single parent now that my H cheated on me and we seperated. I have wanted to get rid of him for awhile. I hate him. So, I completely understand what you are saying. That being said, I don't believe anyone was trying to attack you. She was right, it is dumping them if you aren't there with them, no matter what kind of stuff you have to go through to do so. I understand why you're defensive, the same reason I haven't done anything about my dog and continue to live with him. You feel badly and don't want anyone to judge you. I don't believe in getting rid of animals so for me, I would be doing something I think is wrong....even though I know it's right in this case. It's my issue that I need to deal with. Would anyone judge me? Maybe. I've been told repeatedly to get rid of him but to do so, the shelter where I got him would put him down. I believe for me, that if I am going to have him put down, I will be there for him so he isn't alone and scared. I've had to put down 2 other dogs because of cancer, age, etc and it was the worst thing I have ever, ever had to do. For me though, it's the only way to go. There's too little kindness in this world. Now, before you get fired up at me, I am not judging you or your decisions. I am stating that this is how I feel about MY situation. I completely understand where you are coming from but I do think that you overreacted because of the pain you are dealing with maybe. Like someone else stated, you don't normally act anything but levelheaded so this is affecting you. I hope you and your kids feel better since that stress won't be there anymore. I wish I could remove my stress too.


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## Revenwyn

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You'd think that I could. I contacted them first. I mean, I paid a $600 fee and promised to send her back to them if I couldn't keep her for any reason. I assumed that's what the $600 was for! Nope, they said I was on my own. They don't even have my contract. She wasn't interested at all in helping me place her. WTF!????
> 
> I'm going to call around to some other people I know who have rescue dogs and a woman I know who has rescue horses and knows people with money and time and energy and inclincation to rescue dogs, and who know me and my kids.


Sounds like you got hit by a scam rescue.


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