# Can someone tell me where this might have come from?



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

My fiance and I are preparing to move country so his employer has appointed a law firm to get our papers in order.

I sent an e-mail to the lawyer my fiance told me to give her a status report on getting more time on my passport as is necessary. I sent her an e-mail. She responded in a way that on first read was confusing to me. I mentioned it to my fiance and then read my e-mail to her out loud. Aha, I said, I used the word visa where I meant passport, that's where the confusion must have come from. I will call her tomorrow. 

Then he says "You be nice to her." What?

I managed to get an appointment at the US Embassy so that I could renew passport without have to give it up. I then e-mailed the lawyer about the status and that I would be in touch with her when I have the renewed passport. I cc'd it to my fiance.

I don't understand why but he felt the need to add an e-mail pretty much saying what I said but differently.......

Where is this coming from? He has never met this woman. 

I am sensitive about this as I have had similar problems not only with my exH but also with my parents. That sort of triangulation, in which, if there are any problems with a third party then it must be my fault. 

But if things go well, then it must be because of the superb people skills of the other person.

Anyone have any insight on situations like these? Anyone been in a similar situation?


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Don't think I would ascribe any thought or reason to his statement, unless you have a history of 'getting into it' with people.

He wants things to go smoothly, and he wants you with him.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Deejo said:


> Don't think I would ascribe any thought or reason to his statement, unless you have a history of 'getting into it' with people.
> 
> He wants things to go smoothly, and he wants you with him.



I do have a habit of venting with him. But he sees how I behave with other people....... including the wait staff. 

It would be sad if I thought I could not work out / vent about situations with him if that starts to give him negative visuals of me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'd say he was scared something would go wrong, as she controls whether you get to go or not. Be flattered.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> I do have a habit of venting with him. But he sees how I behave with other people....... including the wait staff.
> 
> It would be sad if I thought I could not work out / vent about situations with him if that starts to give him negative visuals of me.


While being able to vent is important, we get a glimpse deeper into people when we hear the venting. People who tend to be extra sensitive also tend to see the POV that confirms, rather than negates their suspicion about being treated unfairly or unjustly. 

At the moment I have a 14 year old daughter, who vents to me everyday. Now I realize that most of what she tells me is just her emotional reaction to things and not the actual events, I cannot help but wonder at how easily she becomes annoyed with people over the silliest of things...like every other 14 year old!

Just the fact that you brought your issue of being sensitive to other people's comments and questioning your fiancé's deeper meaning, demonstrates that you tend to view a lot of things as unfair or unjust when it's just as likely not the case at all. And your fiancé is aware of it, yet loves you anyway... that is a good thing!


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Anon Pink said:


> While being able to vent is important, we get a glimpse deeper into people when we hear the venting. People who tend to be extra sensitive also tend to see the POV that confirms, rather than negates their suspicion about being treated unfairly or unjustly.
> 
> *At the moment I have a 14 year old daughter, who vents to me everyday. Now I realize that most of what she tells me is just her emotional reaction to things and not the actual events, I cannot help but wonder at how easily she becomes annoyed with people over the silliest of things...*like every other 14 year old!
> 
> Just the fact that you brought your issue of being sensitive to other people's comments and questioning your fiancé's deeper meaning, demonstrates that you tend to view a lot of things as unfair or unjust when it's just as likely not the case at all. And your fiancé is aware of it, yet loves you anyway... that is a good thing!


Yes, but we are also mirroing the reality that we have to face.

For example, we moved out of my fiance's flat this week. Now he has learned that the landlord is getting excercised over the fact that there is no shower curtain in the ensuite bathroom.

Now, mind you, my fiance moved into the flat in June 2009. Shower curtains are about £7 at most home goods shops in the UK.

I asked my fiance if he has the inventory list and whether there was shower curtain listed on it somewhere. 

I also told him that I was keenly interested in this issue as I am getting my flat ready to let out and these are the same issues that I will have to deal with with other people.

IOW, why should we care about a shower curtain if it was not listed on the inventory that he signed?

He got a little shirty on that one. But i am sure he would not like to have to support me if I am negligent with the inventory and I am expecting him to make up the difference with me.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

There is more than one reality. Once you understand that, you can begin to sooth yourself with an alternate reality and not need, so often, someone else to sooth you.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I don't know if it is really similar, but I feel like if I say something to dh, he might listen. If someone else tells him, he hears it for sure. 

So when I was pregnant and having babies, and I suggested something, he may have argued, or just discounted it. But if the midwife said _the exact same thing_ , then of course, she was right, and it was A okay!

Familiarity/contempt, anyone?


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The guy at the Embassy sent this email and you can't figure out why? He's a bureaucrat. He gets paid to push paper, not to think. Logic and reasoning have no place in his world. You'll go insane trying to figure out why these people do what they do. Just stand in his line, let him feel important and do his thing. You'll get your passport fixed, he'll get his hugely inflated salary and pension and you'll both be happy.


----------



## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

I mean this feedback constructively so please take it as such. Since you say that others have treated you in a similar way, it's worth looking at yourself and what you can do to improve.

I suggest that you consider your communication style. Clearly he has no confidence that you can handle situations properly and only you can determine if there is a basis for his concern or if he's just being unreasonably controlling and thinks that unless it's done his way, it's not being done right.

In fairness, i can see his frustration that a careless error in the terms 'passport' and 'visa' has created confusion. He should be more understanding that errors happen but it's a stressful time and mistakes that are easily avoided can create delays, additional cost, and unnecessary messes that need to be cleaned up. Lawyers in particular make their living on precision of language so you need to communicate with them with even more clarity and accuracy then you normally would. They, like many people, are often not very good at guessing what you really are trying to say.

Your communication style involves a lot of descriptions of things that were said and done and it's not easy to pick out your main points. I have no idea what the shower curtain story is really about or what his position is vs yours. It also just sounds like an everyday kind of fight and does not follow the theme of your original post (i.e. that he lacks confidence that you can handle things). So i'm confused as to why you have raised it. It's his flat and he's handling it so it doesn't sound like he's being critical with the way you are handling something which seems to be your main issue in this thread. Again, I'm not questioning what really happened with your shower curtain as that's unimportant but rather I'm making a point about your communication style.

In your initial post, it's not clear if his concern is that you are a hot-head with people that you need to help you or if his problem is in how you generally communicate and go about getting things done. This is an important point to your question in this thread and I'm not sure if you don't know this (if so you need to discuss) or if you just left this 'detail' out.

You can disagree with me but I think it's worth taking some extra time thinking about your communications, including rereading your communications to ensure that they are easily understood by a third party who is not deeply involved in the situation. And same for verbal communications - think about how what you say will be interpreted before you say it.

Again, i'm trying to be helpful here rather than critical.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> The guy at the Embassy sent this email and you can't figure out why? He's a bureaucrat. He gets paid to push paper, not to think. Logic and reasoning have no place in his world. You'll go insane trying to figure out why these people do what they do. Just stand in his line, let him feel important and do his thing. You'll get your passport fixed, he'll get his hugely inflated salary and pension and you'll both be happy.


Your response here is off base. Sorry.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Couple, thanks for the thoughtful reply.

Since most situations involve more than 2 parties, it can become difficult to follow what's going on and what the no. 1 issue is.

In my OP, it was not how the Embassy was dealing with it, although their your requirements were certainly shaping the situation. It was how my fiance perceived the way I interact / or,in particular, how I might interact with this lawyer. (this is one reason why I like message boards, one can let off steam in cyberspace)

This is too bad. Because I am one of those types, who likes to have a good howling, get out my frustrations and then decide the way to proceed....... including thinking not just about what but also about how to proceed. including choice of language and tone whether in writing or on the phone.

As I mentioned to my fiance, a good thing about putting stuff in writing is that one can revisit exactly what was said. I immediately declared, that given the choice of words --in an e-mail that I wrote and sent quickly -- why the lawyer would be confused.

I asked him how many people would be mature enough to own their mistake like that.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NextTimeAround said:


> Your response here is off base. Sorry.


Actually, that response depicts pretty accurately what happens when you deal with bureaucrats. That response has nothing to do with YOU but everything to do with what you should expect to deal with and how to handle it. I'm surprised you took that response, of all of them, personally.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> Actually, that response depicts pretty accurately what happens when you deal with bureaucrats. That response has nothing to do with YOU but everything to do with what you should expect to deal with and how to handle it. I'm surprised you took that response, of all of them, personally.



I didn't take it personally. I just wasn't asking about the behavior of government bureaucrats and if this thread did go further, to avoid any discussion of them here.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ah, you mean off base as in not the topic. See how easy it is to misunderstand things?


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

turnera said:


> Ah, you mean off base as in not the topic. See how easy it is to misunderstand things?


That's a relief.


----------

