# How to make the jealous vindictive thoughts stop?



## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Hey everyone, 

I've been cruising these forums for the past 5 weeks on and off, Reading a lot of the posts here with advice I have found it very comforting to hear all the support that this community has for its members and knowing that I'm not alone in this and other people have and are getting through similar situations.

Anyway Ill start from the beginning (Wall of text incoming) I'm so sorry about how jumbled and what a mess this post is im a bit of a mess this morning.

As I write this I have been seperated from my wife for 5 weeks.
I'm 26 and we had been together for 8 years and married for 3 years. for the most part during that time we where very happy. Sure we had occasional arguments but then again most couples do.

Either way the main troubles started a few months ago when my wife said has been going through a transformation in finding herself(Dressing in new way, doing her hair in a way she never has before) which I thought was great for her seeing as she was finding herself more.

However around the same time she came to me crying and really upset and saying that she was feeling sexually attracted to one of our mutual close friends who we both work with.

I am not a jealous guy and the one thing we have always had in our relationship was honesty and although I was a bit surprised and it saddened me however I wasnt angry. I was really supportive and tried to do everything I could to help her get through it. 
You cant help the way you feel right?
I suggested things like you know maybe not hanging out with that person as much etc which I thought would be a logical thing right?

However she continued to feel sad and conflicted and I could see it everyday. She was trying to make a effort to be affectionate with me and said she loved me. but she was just generally unhappy. 
It was around the same time she decided she wanted to be more independant because I had always been the one in the relationship carrying all the responsibilities. Which at the time didnt really bother me seeing as what I always did. I used to sort out all the money, do cleaning, cook food etc it wasnt that she couldnt it was just that she was lazy and never did it and she would do it with nagging however that would usually just end up wth an argument so I guess I just did it. Looking back now thats one thing that im glad I dont have to do anymore.

Either way she started getting more annoyed at me for doing things I always did for example we both work at the same place and she had to stay back at work for 40 mins and seeing as we walk home together I thought it would be nice to stay back and wait for her because you know I wanted to spend time with her and walk home with her. However that got interpreted as me constantly babysitting her and her not talking to me for a day. just small stuff like that.

Anyway going forward she still continued spending time with that mutual friend. until the day we officially seperated when she came back from an evenning going out drinking and staying at this mutual friends house for the night. She said that she was feeling more towards this friend and it wasnt just sexual and I even got a facebook message from him saying that he felt terrible and that the flirting and everything had gone to far (Even added that nothing physical or anything happened) Which I believe them both seeing as my wife has always been honest about that kind of stuff. 

But anyway she said that this was the final nail in the coffin and that she has been unhappy for the last 2 years and felt that she had changed and even though she said she loved me she didnt want to live like this anymore and said that it felt like we where living like an old married couple and she wanted to be by herself and find herself and at that time she said that her and our mutual friend both felt terrible and werent on talking terms.

At the time I wasnt angry or jealous(Like I said im a pretty chill guy.) I was really sad and it broke my heart to let my wife go but If someone isnt happy and there is nothing I can do to make them happy I didnt want her to go on living all depressed and feeling like **** and said that if this is what she thinks will make her happy and what she wanted then I couldnt stop her. We where kind of out of options at this point there was nothing I could do to make her happy I had tried giving her all the support and love I could and it didnt help.

Either way the next few days were the worst I have ever felt in my life. we were both in the same apartment for 2 days and we where still on good talking terms but I was a complete emotional mess.

Anyway after a night of drinking waaaay to much and passing out in bed in hopes to dull the pain (It didnt help)

I noticed during that evenning when I walked past her computer that she was talking to this same mutual friend on facebook. which just make me even angrier. because she had said that she wasnt leaving me to be with him it was just the final thing that made her realize that she wasnt happy. Also the day previous when we broke up she said she wanted to find herself and be alone.

Anyway the next morning I did something that I know I shouldnt have and even though its a small thing it's not something I've ever done and makes me feel **** about myself for doing it. But I couldnt help myself. While she was in the shower I checked her facebook and looked at the last bit of chat history between them. I didnt see much only 5 lines but it was basically them saying they where going to catch up during the day which sounded innocent but then at end there was the whole night sweet heart thing from him and a love heart emote from my wife. thats when I completely lost it. I had to get out.

I called a friend and said I was coming over.seeing as I hadnt told anyone about the seperation at this stage. anyway I wanted to explode at her but I knew I wasnt in right straight of mind so I made some snarky comment and asked where she was going because she was getting ready to go out. she said oh just work. Then I told her that I knew she was going to see this person and she didnt have to lie about it. But she said that wasnt true. Either way I left. 

So after that point she has now been living with him for the past 5 weeks. a week after she left I told her that she didnt have to lie about it. however she still told me that it wasnt what it seemed she just needed somewhere to stay and as we moved overseas and she doesnt have many female friends or friends in general over here she didnt know where else to go and they werent "together" he was just nice enough to let her stay. 

So over the last 5 weeks she has been staying with him and I have been at the apartment we are still on good civil terms and I haved talked to her on skype and we corresponded with emails a bit especially in the first 2 weeks after she left. 

however never talk in person.

We dont have any kids or anything so its not that complicated in that regard which is good. Our apartment has another 3 months lease and she said she is fine to pay her share of rent and bills etc till end of lease which is good. 

But the real hard part for me has been that me my wife and my mutual friend all work at the same place. He sits directly behind me and she sits close by so I see them both every day. which makes it really hard to move on.
and even though they never do anything together at work. I can always see them messaging each other on skype when I get up from my desk. (I dont know if I was fooling myself but I was like she could just be talking to him because she has no one else to really talk to this about)

But anyway the first few weeks after seperation my mood was all over the place and it felt like I was living a nightmare. I went from being terribly angry and jealous (Which isnt like me at all) to feeling like crap and sad about the relationship and what I had lost.

However I have used this opportunity to get myself in shape. 
The last 5 weeks I have done the following
- Started eating healthy. (Suprisingly easy to do when going through a seperation for me seeing as I never felt hungry anyway)
- Go to gym and boot camp 6 days a week which has been good as an outlet to get my frustration out plus ive met new people.
- bought an instrument ive always wanted to play and just generally tried to find myself and focus on making myself happier. Which has really been helpful. I have been reading the happiness project which I have found really great. .

But anyway fast forward to now. I'm at the point now where I dont feel the need to message her anymore I only message her once a week or so when I have to sort something out finance wise etc. seeing as I found it was very one sided anyway I was always initating conversation and she would never message me so I stopped. Plus I was like I dont need to talk to her I am going to worry about myself.

I have in my mind come to to realization that I wasnt that happy with the relationship myself. I was stuck doing all the hard work I was affection starved and im not just talking about sex which in itself was rare. even just general sitting and cuddling on couch or hugging each other Id always be the one initiating it.

I was the one always having to put up with being treated like crap or ignored when I did something like I said earlier wanting to spend time with her and her flipping out and saying I was babysitting her.

I have also found that a lot of the activities I discovered I like doing. being outside and active I never really did much because she didnt like it. 
Plus I feel better about spending money on myself seeing as I could never do that before because I felt guilty or would get critisism on buying things for myself.

So i'm at a point now where in my head its over. Even if she came to me one day and said I want to get back together I wouldnt want to. Its taken a lot to get to this point and as much as thats what my heart wants is to be with her and I know it would make this pain stop sooner. I know that it isnt whats best for me.

So all that side of things isnt that bad. The problem I have is all I can think about in my head is her with him. it takes over my sub concious. like most of the time I'm ok I keep myself busy with activities and friends etc and I wouldnt say im really unhappy most of time. Its just in those times where I let myself think or am sitting at home doing nothing. that it takes over.

Hell I even had a dream about the two of them together last week and it was horrible.

It was esculated this weekend. A few months ago me my wife and my friends (Including this Mutual friend) where planning a trip to carribean resort for fun for a week we had all booked time off. but never booked anything. Then all of this seperation happened so I cancelled my holiday and my other friend did two however. I find out through a friend that she is still going and she is there right now and she is not the kind of person to want to do anything by herself. hell she doesnt even have a credit card to book it at moment. So I'm 100% sure she is with him. 

If it wasnt bad enough me feeling jealous and crappy last week now all I can think about is my wife off at a romantic carribean resort having sex and being romantic with him.
And it disgusts me and makes me feel so disappointed.

I'm not crazy here right this is incredibly suss. If your wife says oh im sexually attracted to someone. Then just spends more time with them. then says oh I feel something more then moves in with them. and is now on a holiday with him. Seems like very counter productive things to do to get through it. Even if they initially had intention of keeping it as friends I'm pretty sure it would and has turned into something more.

This whole thing is the bit thats killing me. If my wife left me and went and got her own place by herself I'd be feeling 100X better because I'd be like oh good she is getting on with her life. But the fact that she is with someone else. Makes me feel jealous and vindictive and makes me wish she was feeling miserable too and gets me thinking about how unfair it is that im stuck here all alone and upset and she gets to have this new exciting relationship and have someone there for her sexually and emotionally. Its just not fair.

But logically I do want her to be happy and I have tried to put it out of my mind and not affect me because what she does now we have seperated shouldnt affect me right? seeing as I dont want to get back together. so If this makes her happy and what she wants to do then thats her business not mine. She has gone out of her way to not let me know and I think thats most of the reason why she has lied to me about it seeing as she knows it will kill me so hasnt told me the truth about them.

I guess the main thing that upsets me is I just feel really dissapointed. My wife was like my best friend and I never thought she would do something like this and I have lost so much respect for her as a person in general. I thought we could remain friends after this but its going to take a long time. Even if I heard of a friend doing something like this I dont think id want to be friends with them. 

So thats where I am at now. I keep getting thoughts of jealousy and think of them together and part of me hates them both for it but part of me is like if it makes her happy then whatever. I am sick of wasting all this energy. 
Like I keep saying to myself what she does isnt my concern anymore I just have to worry about myself. But I cant help myself I constantly sit there checking her facebook for updates compulsively check her skype if she is online. I never message her or say anything but part of me likes to know what she is doing and this is bad. Because its not healthy I really dont wanna care about what she is doing anymore I hate feeling this hatred and poisonous jealousy and this vindictiveness. All I wanna do right now is message her and tell her how much like **** she is making me feel. But I wont because that wont solve anything Ill still feel crap. and she will feel crap and I dont want that. 

I have a close friend I talk to but there is nothing I can do to make it better. it really is just a battle against myself. I just want to be able to let it go and not care about what she is doing. because its such a waste of my energy and it really is not doing anything except making me feel like crap.

Does anyone have any advice?

Should I delete her from skype and remove her from facebook? I could but I know that soon as I did I would feel like I wanted to know what her status updates where. I hate this curiousity. 

I have tried hiding all her streams on facebook etc however then I find myself just checking it manually.

I dont know if going cold turkey and not knowing would make it any easier.

I want to call her out on it when she gets back and say to her how I feel and that im really dissappointed in her and cant have her on facebook or skype or anything because I dont wanna talk to her or know what she is doing.

But its not like I can completely disconnect anyway I see them both at work every single day and on some days I have to interact with him for work. I cant leave work or anything because im overseas on a bound visa. there is no escape. atleast they wont be there this week which is good but I know its going to make me feel horrible all week because I know where they are and all im going to think about is them having a romantic holday away and having sex whether or not that is the case or not.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

This story is a lot how I was feeling. Although my wife did not leave for another man, I still found myself jealous of anything she "might" be doing. Anger is normal in grieving. I'm glad you vented on here because it seems you have very little outlet.

Keep posting here and stay on this site when you want to check her FB.

FB is evil in this situation


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks for your reply Sadwithtwolittlegirls I commend you for managing to get through my wall of text.

Ya FB is evil. I swear ive gone from hiding everything of hers to enabling it all again 10+ times this week.

Thanks for your support much appreciated. Your right I dont have much outlet I have 3 friends that know and my parents and out of those friends only 1 knows about the whole fact that there is more to her leaving and there probably is another guy involved.

I dont want to tell to many people because even though it does look like she is seeing another man right?
I know she has been trying to keep it quiet because if it got out it would make people look badly at her especially at work and even though I dont condone it and I am angry at times I dont want it to get out because of me. I'm not that kind of person and im sure people will start making assumptions on there own anyway


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

Block her on Face Book. No sense in temptation.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Why are you Skyping with the woman who literally walked out of your bed and into the next guys that same day ...

STOP talking to her, file for divorce and get it over with.

You literally just waved goodbye to her and are okay with her cheating on you with a friend.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> Block her on Face Book. No sense in temptation.


This....out of sight....out of mind...


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

I dont know if she was necessarily in bed into the other guys bed the same day. she could have been for all I know. I dunno I guess I never really looked at it as cheating as she was always honest with me about it and atleast the the decency to break it off before anything more serious happened. for all I know nothing more serious has but from the evidence I think thats unlikely that it hasnt. 

I cant file for divorce . In Australia in state where we got married it says you have to be seperated for a year before you can file for divorce.

But you guys are right im going to block her on facebook. I dont know why I left her on there. Guess i was more curious than anything I know that its bad nothing good ever comes from me seeing her status and this obsessive behaviour has to stop.

Dont know whether I should message her and tell her why im blocking her. I feel crap about myself because weeks ago when I talked to her I said that I believed her that nothing was going on and was saying how i shouldnt have jumped to conclusions I dont know why I said that its a really weak thing and looking back makes me feel like ****. Guh I even a few weeks ago when I thought I was ok with it and believed her and talked to the friend and was glad that he atleast gave her a place to go. 

Makes me feel weak and **** all I wanna do is tell her and him how completely dissapointed I am in both of them and I dont wanna be friends but will still keep things professional at work.

Plus we still have to sort out whats happening with all our furniture and our 2 cats which everytime ive asked about it she hasnt given me an answer. So im not going to sever all contact completely Ill just delete her skype and facebook and if she has something financial or important she can email or text me. (Not that she probably ever will she hasnt done that once out of the blue in last 5 weeks)

Should I let them know how I feel or just delete and let them get the hint?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

I think as part of grief you need to allow yourself anger over this. You cannot short circuit these emotions. They catch up with you sooner or later.

You have actually been way too nice a giy about all of this. Trying to be ok with it all. She screwed you over. You should be very upset with her. Of course you are feeeling jelaous. This was your wife. You were still cohabitating with her. Your mind still feels she is your wife. It looks like the laws need to catch up with this century where you are at.

I would not be so chill as you say you are. Heaven forbid you did a horrible thing and looked at her facebook. Seriously, do you think that was some kind of violation? Compared to her giving herself to another man? Really?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

dont tell her why you are blocking her. Or that you are going to do it. When mine asked why I blocked her, I told her I didn't want her knowing my business. You shouldn't be talking to her about anything, period. You have no kids. She obviously has no respect for you as she is with another man. I would cut all ties to her and move on. Easier said than done.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Mine didn't tell me about blocking me.. She just unfriended me and moved her status to single from married.

She will notice real quick when she doesn't see your posts.


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## Samcro (Feb 12, 2012)

Since you all work in the same company and are too near, what about asking your boss to move you to a newer spot? Tell him your situation and I bet if the dude has a heart he would move you. One stupid word and you might have some workplace violence.

I feel for you bro. Hang in there dude. Aussie chicks are hot, any babes at your work you could date?


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Thanks for all the support everyone it really means alot.

Entropy I think your right I know I need to express my emotions and shouldnt try to hide them.

Ya I know I've been far too nice about the whole thing. Even when I had the conversation where my wife wanted to seperate she said she just wished I got angry but at the time I didnt.

I still dont know for 100% that she is with him in that kind of way (Wow even reading that I can see that I'ts just me not wanting to admit it to myselves that theres is a small chance its not) I guess I still cling onto the fact that while we were together she was always really honest with me hell I dont know how many wives would tell their husbands that they were sexually attracted to another man and felt horrible just to be honest and that was a month or so before we even broke up. But then again she knows it hurts me knowing they are together so maybe she is just lying because of that.
I dunno I just want to feel like im overacting or burning bridges.

I know im supposed to and allowed to be jealous and angry I just hate it I've never really been that jealous or hateful to people its really against who I think I am and I hate the feeling. that's whats the hardest part.

MSC and Sadwithtwolittlegirls I think your right that I should just block and not say anything. You know honestly I don't think she will even notice. We both already have our relationship status's set to hidden so its not like its going announce anything.

Hey Samcro, Actually in a weird turn of events late last week they did some re-organization at my company and im not atleast 7 desks away from him facing in the opposite direction so thats atleast one small victory. Just sucks though cos I am only a junior and he is mid so there are often times at work where I have to interact with him or get help with stuff so it makes it a bit of a pain.

Haha Samcro actually im not in Australia anymore I'm working overseas


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

My heart breaks for you. I know if I i knew my wife was off with someone I would be a complete wreck. You seem to be doing alright.

At some point i will have to deal with what you are going through and I know I will be devastated.. 

Good luck on your journey.

All men doubt their sexuality to some sort..... in the back of our mind we are thinking the same thing when they go to a new partner...


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Ya Sadwithtwolittlegirls its tough. Everything else about being seperated feels like nothing compared to how much the though of her being with someone else is is making me feel.

I'm sure things will get better. I look back at how much of a wreck I was 4 weeks ago and already even though I dont feel anywhere near good. Its still a ridiculous improvement. and I know at the time 4 weeks ago I thought I'd never get to this point.

Some days you have good days some days you have bad days. Just depends whether you want the negative or positive side to win each day. 

Generally the last couple of weeks ive been ok and havent let it completely overwhelm me. Its only since I found out they where going away on a holiday together that completely sent me off the rails.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I was doing great, even better after I met with her to talk about the kids and stuff yesterday.

BUT..... today I'm feeling crappy after going to a family function. Funny how weird things through you back into despair.

Are you ready to think about dating? If she has completely walked away..maybe an evening with a new woman might make you feel better. Maybe time to look on the dating sites?


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Ya I was like that a few weeks ago I felt I needed to talk to my wife to feel happy and there where a couple of nights in the first 2 weeks of my seperation. I talked to my wife and it made me happy just being able to talk to her. But I realized it wasnt healthy for me to be using me talking to her to make myself feel better. But then again at the time I was originally trying to see how over she thought it was after getting no interest or even comment on my remarks in emails about down track getting together again and after finding that I'd always be initiating conversation and she never initiated it with me. I decided It wasnt worth my time.

There was a stage a week or so ago that I looked at dating sites but that was more when I was in the mindset of If she gets to have someone else why shouldnt I. But after reading lots of posts on this forum about dating after seperated. I decided against it. Because all I'd be doing is just filling the emotional void of her being gone with someone else and if im honest with myself I'm no where near being ready for a relationship. Its going to take a long time I think. I'm just trying to focus on myself for the moment. not to say that if I had the chance of a no strings attached short term fling that happened I wouldnt be down for that if they opportunity arose . But i'm not purposefully going out to find anyone.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

I did it blocked and deleted her off both skype and facebook. It still feels really harsh  and like a terrible person. Why do I feel like the bad guy.

Seeing as she was trying to be friendly and commenting positively on things id post sometimes. But I just cant handle being constantly obsessed with checking her page and letting any of her facebook activity greatly affect my mood.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Don't feel bad.. she already BLOCKED you from your marriage. Her's was more harsh then what you did...


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls Nice one.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I was absolutely heart broken after I come home.. find a note that she's gone and that she unfriended me and put her status as single.

In this day and age it says a ton about a person.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

If she does notice and asks you why you did it, be strong. Don't apologize or let her know you feel bad. Even if it's a white lie. :smthumbup: Go ahead and work on your response now. I personally just stopped going to facebook all together after I blocked mine. I felt it was not helping me at all and mostly a distraction.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

She unfriended you and changed her status the moment she seperated from you? thats harsh Sadwithtwolittlegirls even just having it done over a note is harsh enough I really feel for you

MSC71 thanks for advice.

I tried avoiding facebook all together it didnt really work. Especially since I live overseas so I have a lot of friends who I only talk to on there and it felt like i was just alienating myself when i left facebook all together.

I dont know how lying to her about me not feeling bad is going to make any difference? Arent I just purpetuating a lie? I'm pretty sure she knows im unhappy and she will know what probably triggered me blocking her which in most part was mainly because a mutual friend let slip in a facebook picture she was tagged in that she was still going on holiday.

Saying that im fine or that I didnt want her seeing my business isnt really true. I've been trying to act like im fine sure in line with the whole 180 thing. But seeing as im not really expecting to get back together with her and seeing as ill have to see her around work and im sure ill end up over the next few months with various awkward social exchanges at work or at friends events. 

I dont really know how me lying to her makes things better in fact its what she said she wants which is me to be happy. So all it seems im doing is making her feel better about herself because she will feel even more justified in whatever she is doing because she will be like atleast we are both happy now.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

She sounds like my wife or STBX. She wants me to be happy. Even went as far as saying she would have no problem setting me up with someone. :scratchhead: I know when they get to that stage, they are done. Blocking her was smart as there is no need to torment yourself any more than you already have. I didn't suggest you do that for any other reason than so you can focus on yourself more. I know for me it was a good feeling knowing that if I did go to facebook, I didn't have to worry about seeing something that would make me sad or upset.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Wow setting you up with someone thats intense.

I guess its just hard especially seeing atleast in my case. my wife wanted this and she said she had been feeling ****ty and tormented by the decision so by the time we seperated it wasnt anywhere near as hard for her to move on as me. 

I do agree though that blocking her is a great move I feel like i am free to browse facebook now without pressure. Where as before i was just waiting for something to appear in her feed and it was never anything that made me feel good. Your right it is just a self punishment thing.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Same as me.. she said she mourned the end of of marriage before she left ... How the F can you mourn while in your marriage.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

daybyday26 said:


> Wow setting you up with someone thats intense.
> 
> I guess its just hard especially seeing atleast in my case. my wife wanted this and she said she had been feeling ****ty and tormented by the decision so by the time we seperated it wasnt anywhere near as hard for her to move on as me.
> 
> I do agree though that blocking her is a great move I feel like i am free to browse facebook now without pressure. Where as before i was just waiting for something to appear in her feed and it was never anything that made me feel good. Your right it is just a self punishment thing.



I know. It sucks. And everything you feel is normal and something we have to get through. One thing that I have learned through my experience is when a woman leaves, it's not something that just came up. It is something they thought about for a long time and something they planned. Nothing we say or do can make them change their mind. They have to come to that decision all on their own. And the only way for that to happen is to leave them alone and focus on ourselves. In the end, we will be happy wether or not they come back. As our happiness doesn't come from anyone but ourselves.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

ya I just really hope I am atleast feeling a what I could consider happy within a couple of months. I know people say it is different for everyone and it can take a year or more to get over a seperation and divorce. Id like to think that im stronger than that and it wont take a year. I just wish I knew what was ahead. because at the moment it still feels each week im just filling out my days and sure I have fun doing some activities but I'm not really enjoying life at moment and Just keep wishing that more time had passed so id feel better. But feels like im just wishing my life away. 

Atleast I've got a few good milestones coming up I'm looking forward to.

I have my brother's wedding in Australia I'm flying back to (That will be interesting seeing as last family wedding everyone was gathered was mine . Gunna have to really prepare myself for that)

But I last week decided to do something for me and added a backpacking trip in san franciso and Los angeles for a week as i've always wanted to travel more and figured backpacking will be great because Ill meet lots of people my own age and kick back and have some fun. 

Then October is going to be painful and fun seeing as thats when my wife and I's lease is up here and I have to find my own apartment and I have to work out with her whats happening with furniture etc. I think this is going to suck a bit but think I am going to feel 100x better being in my own place and not in a place filled with memories of times together.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

daybyday26 said:


> ya I just really hope I am atleast feeling a what I could consider happy within a couple of months. I know people say it is different for everyone and it can take a year or more to get over a seperation and divorce. Id like to think that im stronger than that and it wont take a year. I just wish I knew what was ahead. because at the moment it still feels each week im just filling out my days and sure I have fun doing some activities but I'm not really enjoying life at moment and Just keep wishing that more time had passed so id feel better. But feels like im just wishing my life away.
> 
> Atleast I've got a few good milestones coming up I'm looking forward to.
> 
> ...



A new apartment / home will help big time IMO. Staying in the place you shared together can bring back painful memories. I think that will be a huge step in being happy for you. I bet once you do get your own place, that is when all the bad feelings etc will start going away.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

I sure hope so MSC71.

Id like to thank everyone who pushed me towards blocking my wife. on facebook skype etc. Its only been 24 hrs and I already feel a weight lifted. Knowing that I cant check on her status or online status has been great as im no longer checking. Plus im no longer worrying about everything I post. Its very liberating. 

And granted even though I still feel pretty crappy today especially about the fact that she is off on a holiday to resort with my ex friend and cant stop it repeatedly popping into my mind. I've been more focused on what Id say to her if she emailed or messaged me at work about it next week. I very much doubt she will seeing as she hasnt messaged or talked to me without me instigating it in past 5 weeks we have been seperated. So im probably wasting my time thinking about it. But atleast thinking about that is far more preferable than thinking about my wife off having sex with another man(Which might not be true or not it sure does look that way)

I hate being so conflicted I think it would be easier if I knew 100% that she was and she just told me. Because even though all of the evidence and behaviour ive observed and posted in this thread. Sure as hell seems it is even if she denies it. I just dont know why she would tell me the truth and be so honest before we seperated and then just start lying.

I guess the hardest thing for me to come to terms with is that If its true it just makes me lose soo much respect for my wife as a person and makes me sooo dissapointed That someone i thought i knew so well and professed to love me so much would go and do this. Thats what upsets me the most even more than the jealousy and anger about it.

I'm guessing in her mind she just figures well we are seperated now so I can do whatever I want. which I guess is true? I just hate that she said when we seperated that it wasnt the primary reason which I guess i kind of believe 

I dunno. But either way I am feeling a bit better today. Even though I had momentary flashes of thinking about my wife and my friend not at work doing whatever they are doing.

It felt good to be able to work around work and not see either of them


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

daybyday26 said:


> Hey everyone,
> 
> I've been cruising these forums for the past 5 weeks on and off, Reading a lot of the posts here with advice I have found it very comforting to hear all the support that this community has for its members and knowing that I'm not alone in this and other people have and are getting through similar situations.
> 
> ...


I don't know. I am famous for writing wall-of-text posts and what it boils down to is that you can't be concerned for other people's piles of sh*t if you are mired in your own. So I suggest getting really familiar with your own sh*t pile and keeping your hands busy with a shovel. In essence, all sh*t is alike, it's smelly and keeps you occupied. The difference in handling your own is that you get to reap the rewards of having shoveled a path to a better place. Shoveling someone else's just enables them to dump more on you. I find that becoming involved in how I feel and how I want to feel and indulging myself in dealing with my own issues keeps me from noticing issues that other people are trying to dump on me inappropriately. It's always good to have a few extra issues you can throw in the direction of people you see on the horizon bearing gifts that smell like sh*t but are boxed up in nice ways like Trojan horses (or hey, actual Trojans, as in the brand name.) For some reason when you throw your token cr*p balls in their direction they change course. They expect you to welcome their stuff in any way shape or form, but they can't even handle token decoy cr*p. What's up with that? After they're gone away, you can settle down to a good movie or novel, and do your filing in order to maximize your tax return, stuff you should be doing, not dealing with other people's piles of sh*t and issues.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

I think I get you that I need to sort out my own **** and not worry about her? I dont get what u mean about about having a few extra issues u can thrown in direction of people though. 

Guess im not that great with metaphors


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Figured Id post another update. 

This week has been going a lot better than I expected it would when I first made this post on weekend. I was full of jealousy and anger. Now although I still do feel a tiny bit of anger that has more turned to feeling more dissapointed and a lack of respect for my wife and her decisions and actions.

I've had her blocked on everything for almost 5 days and It feels great not having to worry about what she is doing.

However I have a feeling its gunna be harder next week when she comes back to work. Also It's been consuming my thoughts on what I am going to say to her if she asks me why I blocked her.

Part of me wants to tell her its because I know that she is involved with my ex friend and that makes me really dissapointed in her and lose respect for her as I thought she was a better person than that and that I dont want her in my life anymore.

But that sounds really harsh because even though its how I feel I know that is going to really upset her. Seeing as she has always been nice to me (Besides the whole thing where she is most likely involved with my friend) and when I was shattered in first couple of weeks of our seperation she was there for me to talk and I remember having a conversation with her how we didnt wanna cut each other out of each of our lives cos it was really cold and horrible.

But I just cant see any other way around it. I cant unblock her. and have already in previous weeks when I questioned her about being involved and she said she wasnt I believed it. 

I'm really conflicted between wanting to let her know once and for all that I dont believe her and that her actions have led me to this and not feel so weak. 

but at same time I dont want to hurt her just for the sake of hurting her.

Then I'm also conflicted in the fact that I dont have 100% evidence that she is fooling around or involved except what it appears and I dont wanna feel like im a ********* for over reacting.

Anyone have any advice?


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

You don't have to tell her jack ****. I would tell her you blocked her because you don't want her knowing your business.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Ya I know MSC but I dont know if thats gunna make me feel better or give me closure on the issue.

Oh in other news atleast I'm no longer thinking that much about it seeing as at work today they announced that they would be laying of a bunch of staff in the next week and a half. Which could be bad . But On the bright side that really doesnt bother me and atleast this other potentially life changing thing of me getting laid off at work is doing an awesome job of making me not think about my seperation or anything. I should be more upset about it but I feel great lol.


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## daybyday26 (Aug 5, 2012)

Just wanted to make one final post here. 

It's been a year today since I separated from my wife and since I have got laid off my job in Canada, Sold everything I owned, Backpacked solo through Latin America for 5 months where I had the most tremendous experiences of my life and found out more about myself than I could have ever imagined. 

I am so much more confident and happy with myself and looking back at everything that happened. Sure it was the worst 3 months of my life after breaking up with my ex. But I'm glad that it happened and I don't hold and hate or anything for my ex I am happy that she is moving on and so am I 

I'm currently back in Australia and have yet more plans to go live somewhere else overseas and make the most out of my life 

so to all you people that are just at the start of their break up just know life really is what you make of it and things do get better


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