# Casual Encounters Addiction



## EffedUpGuy

Please help me... someone.

I've never talked about this to anyone... and didn't even realize how much of a problem I have till now. 

I don't know what to do, i'm scaring the S*** out of myself! I have a serious serious problem.

I use to be addicted to internet porn. But now i hardly ever look at it. Sounds good right? Well the reason I don't really care for porn anymore is i've been addicted to "casual encounters" and i'm not talking about just CL but everywhere... with men, woman, and transexuals. 

I've been married now for 5 years, and been with her for 14 years! Now I want to say something with the most honest truth... I love her. I love her very very much. We just had a baby together and I love him so much. I love both of them more than anything. I would do anything for them. But for some reason i keep finding myself in these situations. On CL or on some other personals site. It's affected my job, my relationship with my wife and friends (Because i spend all day at work online setting things up with someone) or i tell her i have to work late and go out to meet these people. 

I don't know why i do this. i'm actually shaking while typing this.

After evey "encounter" i feel terrible... like i just killed someone. This happens everytime. Then as i'm going home i'm crying in the car.. saying prayers to god asking for forgiveness.. and promising myself i'll NEVER do something like that again. It takes about 2 days where i find myself in the same situation.... and it's almost like someone is taking over my body and putting thoughts in my mind.... You know what the weird thing is too.... I'm NOT gay. Not at all.... when i see guys out in public kissing or holding hands.... i get kinda grossed out.... then why do I enjoy having casual sex with men? or trans? I don't know. I feel completely discusted Immediately afterwards.... but don't know why... why don't i feel that way before hand. 

To top everything else off... when i'm not hooking up with dudes, i'm hooking up with female pros! WTF is wrong with me?!?!?! I feel absolutely terrible.. on sooo many levels... like for one cheating on my wife.. two... spending our money that we need for the baby and living... and three... breaking the law! what would happen if i got caught?!?!

The bottom line is.. i have a problem, and i don't know how to fix this, because evertime i tell myself i'll never do it again... i do it again and again... I really do hate myself. I have a really good job.. its the career of my dreams. I have a really strong family, i'm very close with my parents and my wives parents. I love my wife so much, she's beautiful and she makes me feel good... he hardly ever fight, she enjoys making love to me so it's not like i can't get it from her... i just can't figure out what is making me do these things. But if don't do something soon... i'm going to really get hurt by getting some kind of F'ed up disease or breaking my wife's heart or worst... getting some F'ed up STD and giving it to her!!! And i don't want either of those to happen. I've thought about telling her all this. and i'm come close a few times. But then I feel like I would be selfish for doing that. She doesn't deserve that type of pain and niether does my baby. They are happy, and I don't want to hurt them... but I'm hurtting them by doing this! ITS DRIVING ME CRAZY!!!! I don't know what to do.... Please someone give me some advise... I'm not looking for sypathy... so to all the women reading this who have husbands... You probably want to kill me, and i don't blame you... i deserve that.

please help me.


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## loveless25

I think you have a sexual compulsive disorder. Theres a website called sexhelp.com that helps sex addicts. You need professional help. They have phone numbers you can call. Your situation sounds scary and dangerous. I hope you get help soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EffedUpGuy

loveless25 said:


> I think you have a sexual compulsive disorder. Theres a website called sexhelp.com that helps sex addicts. You need professional help. They have phone numbers you can call. Your situation sounds scary and dangerous. I hope you get help soon.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Thank you. I think you are right. 

I'm really scared. I will pay this site a visit and try to seek help.

I just hope its not too late. I have so much anxiety just thinking what if I got an std, or hiv... or even worst, what if I did gave it to her... or what if I gave it to her and she gives it to our baby thru breast milk...I would probably kill myself... I'm getting very sick just thinking about it. Every time I've been with these people I've always used protection but still... what if. I'm so effed up... 

Thank you again for your words of advise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

Have you gone to see a counselor? Someone in person? The internet is good for somethings, but for something like this, I would think finding someone in person would be best.

C


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## major misfit

This problem is bigger than you are. You can't fix this on your own. You need someone (a therapist) who specializes in sexual addictions. Please find one immediately. 
BTW...I don't want to kill you. And you KNOW what you're doing is dangerous to your whole family. This is why you need someone like yesterday. I think this is past what anyone on the internet can do.


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## EffedUpGuy

Thanks to your advise.

I know this sounds stupid but just getting other people's responses to my post sorta helps me move towards getting help. I feel more motivated now.

I'm going to set up a Dr. appt first to get checked.. then find a counselor.

i'll keep you posted.


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## EffedUpGuy

I'm going to a sex addicts anonymous meeting tomorrow night.

The darkness almost got to me again tonight. I couldn't control it, but i forced myself to call my wife and tell her I'm leaving work soon so I should be home in just a few minutes.... that forced me to not do anything stupid... but I came very close... I can't take this.. how does my personally change? WTF is wrong with me?

I hope the SAA meeting goes well tomorrow... I'm very nervous to discuss my issues in person face to face... I don't even know if I can do it.... I get very sweaty and dizzy thinking about it... but I know I MUST do this. I have to do something about this. I can't just let this behavior continue.

wish me luck...


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## major misfit

I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm glad to see that you're attending meetings...you will no doubt find others who deal with the same issues you do. 

You need to make the Dr. appt AND the therapist appt on the same day. One doesn't supercede the other. I hope the next time you post, you will have visited BOTH.


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## Joanie

I am glad you are seeking help for this. I agree with the others who responded and think you have a sexual compulsion/addiction.
I'm going to tell you this....I have been on your wife's end of the situation. My spouse has also be a cruiser of CL CE and has cheated on me in the past. I've found out on more than one occassion. Like you, we had a great, close relationship. Very much in love, very happy, great (GREAT) sex life. Yet with saying all that, he still cruised. I was and still am devastated. The last incident that I know about was almost a year ago. Sadly, it has taken a toll on our relationship (for me anyway). Deep down I don't feel the same. I know I can never marry him now. I also don't feel the same about sex with him as I once did. I put alot of effort and gusto into our sex life. I now feel that anything I do is not good enough so why bother? It's like this.....say you cook your husband a meal...and not just a meal, a gourmet meal. You go to all that time and trouble only to find out a half hour later he is eating at McDonalds! You wouldn't want to bother to make that gourmet meal anymore, would you? Do you want your wife to love you less? She will, you know. I speak from experience. I do still ove my guy....but it is forever damaged, forever changed. I will also add he NEVER wanted to talk about it and or go see someone to find out why he does what he does. He clearly has admitted he has issues (has also had substance abuse issues in the past). It seems like one addiction leaves and another comes along in its place. It sucks........... ( I truly loved this man more than life itself at one time.


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## Joanie

I should also mention that he too, when questioned said that he had a great life and everything that a man could want and yet could not explain why he did things to risk losing it all. I left him once. He begged and pleaded and promised he would NEVER hurt me again. He never got help ...he said he would but he didn't. He just swept it under the rug. I wish he had gotten help before I came back to him. All of this feels so temporary to me....like I am here with him but it's not where I am going to end up in the long run. It's a shi%$y feeling!


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## EffedUpGuy

major misfit said:


> I wish you all the luck in the world. I'm glad to see that you're attending meetings...you will no doubt find others who deal with the same issues you do.
> 
> You need to make the Dr. appt AND the therapist appt on the same day. One doesn't supercede the other. I hope the next time you post, you will have visited BOTH.


Thank you for that.

I went to my first sex addicts anonymous meet last Thursday. It was both a good and bad experience for me... Good because If felt SO good to finally say all these things in person to others who have similar addictions. Bad because my problems seemed to be way more serious than everyone else... I know that's kinda messed up to say but... these guys were just addicted to internet porn or strip clubs... totally not life threatening.

However I must deal with this so I will continue to go and also find as many groups as I can. You would think with all this there would be some kind of light bulb going off in my head right? Wrong... The darkness took over with me today... As I left to go to work the weekend today.... I found myself having a sexual encounter with a man I met on adam4adam. Same ole story... as soon as the encounter was over, i felt like I just woke up from a state of complete sedation... got in my car... cried like a baby... SCREAMED at the top of my lungs to god "WHY! WHY! WHY!" "WHY THE F**K DO I KEEP DOING THIS!!!"

I'm going to see a doc next week to get tested... I can only pray that god has mercy on my and my family that I don't have some f'ed up disease. And will continue these meetings... 

Oh yeah .... shortly after the encounter I called a guy I meet in the SAA group... to let him know i've "acted out" and I've FAILED. He gave me some advise but no matter what I feel like i've just done something irreversibly and life will never be the same...

This problem I have is much more complex and serious than I can possible imagine. 

I'm typing this to you right now across the from my wife who is pumping breast milk while our baby is playing in his gym... she's watching animal planet smiling and making jokes... I just pretend to laugh and act like nothings bothering me... she thinks I'm on the internet looking at whatever NORMAL husbands look at on the internet. 

Thank you for reading. Hopefully something good will happen soon.


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## EffedUpGuy

Joanie said:


> I am glad you are seeking help for this. I agree with the others who responded and think you have a sexual compulsion/addiction.
> I'm going to tell you this....I have been on your wife's end of the situation. My spouse has also be a cruiser of CL CE and has cheated on me in the past. I've found out on more than one occassion. Like you, we had a great, close relationship. Very much in love, very happy, great (GREAT) sex life. Yet with saying all that, he still cruised. I was and still am devastated. The last incident that I know about was almost a year ago. Sadly, it has taken a toll on our relationship (for me anyway). Deep down I don't feel the same. I know I can never marry him now. I also don't feel the same about sex with him as I once did. I put alot of effort and gusto into our sex life. I now feel that anything I do is not good enough so why bother? It's like this.....say you cook your husband a meal...and not just a meal, a gourmet meal. You go to all that time and trouble only to find out a half hour later he is eating at McDonalds! You wouldn't want to bother to make that gourmet meal anymore, would you? Do you want your wife to love you less? She will, you know. I speak from experience. I do still ove my guy....but it is forever damaged, forever changed. I will also add he NEVER wanted to talk about it and or go see someone to find out why he does what he does. He clearly has admitted he has issues (has also had substance abuse issues in the past). It seems like one addiction leaves and another comes along in its place. It sucks........... ( I truly loved this man more than life itself at one time.


~



You have no idea how much I feel for you. Thats exactly what I don't want my wife to feel. She's happy, especially now we have a new born baby... so why would I walk up to her and ruin her life in 10 minutes by telling her all this. I'm sorry to hear you're guy never got help. I want to get help more for my family then for me... I want my wife to be happy and to continue to brag to her friends how "wonderful of a husband" I am... People tell her all the time "how lucky" she is for having me because I'm cute, funny, have a good job, blah blah.. it's all a facade... little they know how really F'ed up I am... 

All this has made me not very intimate with her... when she asks why... I tell her I don't feel good... Sadly... this is something i'm not proud of but... I've become such a good liar I believe myself. If i tell her i don't feel good to not have sex... I'll go all they way with it and REALLY complain... to the point were she's NURSING me... bringing me the cold pack for my head... getting me advil, or I'll go in the bathroom and act like I have stomach problems... If I "work late" i'll home home and make up hours and hours of bs so she won't suspect anything... I've got everything covered... it's actually pathetic not clever...

I only hope things get better soon for me so I don't have to lie to her... you have no idea.. just the thought of that life...if only I had that life I would be the happiest guy in the world. I want my wife to love me for who I really am not who she thinks I am... and I don't want my son to grow up some f'ed up life... he's so innocent... I want him to have a wonderful "normal" life.

thank you for reading... please feel free to K.I.T... I need all the help I can get.


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## Joanie

I really think along with attending group meetings for sex addicts, you need intensive one one one sessions with a therapist who specializes in sexual addictions. 

You have the WILL to change your life you now just need the tools on how to go about making the changes. I hope that you are OK when you go and get tested and I also hope you see a therapist and start on the road to a better life. One you can be proud of.


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## major misfit

Did you get a sponsor at your meeting? You should have called them BEFORE your encounter. But that would be the hindsight vision. Stop procrastinating on getting help. Serious therapy is the only thing that's going to give you even remotely a chance.


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## MarriedNOChildren

OMG EffedUpGuy! I didn't think there were people like me out there. I am almost exactly like you, except I know exactly what I am doing when I am doing it and my husband is clueless. I don't like to be this kind of woman who cheats, but I can't help it. I like the adventure and the feeling with someone new. I also don't worry much about STD's because all my encounters have been through friends and work. I don't have to go on CL because as a woman, it is easier to find what I am looking for. I also have had encounters with same sex. I don't feel good after, but I still can't get myself to stop. Ever since we found out that I can't have any childen and I had the urge to live life to the fullest. The only regret is because I love my husband and I don't like doing this to him. Most people say that I have a great life and that my husband is lucky to have a gorgeous tall blond for a wife, but I don't think he is lucky because if he would know what I am doing he would probably leave me. So I know what you are going through when it comes to your feelings toward your wife. You are very lucky to have a little boy. If I did, I would settle. I think you are going in the right direction with admitting that you have a problem and also getting the proper help for it. I don't mind to get help and see if I will feel better with the help. May be we can meet and you can take me through the help/healing process. do you have an email address? I feel like we have alot in common that we can help eachother with our problem.


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## EffedUpGuy

Hi everyone,

Just a quick update.


So I went to see my Doctor today. He did a full examination on me, asked me a bunch of DETAILED questions on my encounters. 

He said my pyisical examination looks good, I have no pysical signes of any std's and based on my details he said I most likely don't have to worry. BUT the true test is my blood and urine. So he took a ton of blood from me and made me pee in a cup. So I I'm suposed to get my lab results back by tomorrow or Monday. -Never had so much anxitiey and stress right now. So even tho I don't live a religious lifestyle, I've been praying to god every 10 mins to give me another change.


I also have made an appoitment to see a theropist next Tuesday that will help me deal with my sexual complusive behavior.

I've slipped twice in the last week... last saturday, and again last monday night with some pro girl.


I dont' want to do this anymore. But I think there may be hope for me... because ever since Monday... the darkness hasn't tried to take over me... 

Oh also, last Tuesday I went to a SCA meeting (sexual compulsive anonymous) I didn't have a very good experience there. I actually felt worse about myself because all the guys there were f'ing losers.. I know that really f'ed up to say... and whos to say I'm not a loser.... But the whole time was thinking to myself... THIS is what MY life has come too?! Plus we just say around reading sh*t from some book.... That's not going to help me. But anyways, I liked the group i went to last week, so I'm actually going to it again in about 20 mins. 

So I'll give another update soon... hopefully with some good news.


Please wish/pray for me. 

I just want to be healthy and be happy with my wife and baby boy.

Thank you for reading.


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## EffedUpGuy

EffedUpGuy said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Just a quick update.
> 
> 
> So I went to see my Doctor today. He did a full examination on me, asked me a bunch of DETAILED questions on my encounters.
> 
> He said my pyisical examination looks good, I have no pysical signes of any std's and based on my details he said I most likely don't have to worry. BUT the true test is my blood and urine. So he took a ton of blood from me and made me pee in a cup. So I I'm suposed to get my lab results back by tomorrow or Monday. -Never had so much anxitiey and stress right now. So even tho I don't live a religious lifestyle, I've been praying to god every 10 mins to give me another change.
> 
> 
> I also have made an appoitment to see a theropist next Tuesday that will help me deal with my sexual complusive behavior.
> 
> I've slipped twice in the last week... last saturday, and again last monday night with some pro girl.
> 
> 
> I dont' want to do this anymore. But I think there may be hope for me... because ever since Monday... the darkness hasn't tried to take over me...
> 
> Oh also, last Tuesday I went to a SCA meeting (sexual compulsive anonymous) I didn't have a very good experience there. I actually felt worse about myself because all the guys there were f'ing losers.. I know that really f'ed up to say... and whos to say I'm not a loser.... But the whole time was thinking to myself... THIS is what MY life has come too?! Plus we just say around reading sh*t from some book.... That's not going to help me. But anyways, I liked the group i went to last week, so I'm actually going to it again in about 20 mins.
> 
> So I'll give another update soon... hopefully with some good news.
> 
> 
> Please wish/pray for me.
> 
> I just want to be healthy and be happy with my wife and baby boy.
> 
> Thank you for reading.




Hello everyone, I just want to give you another update.

So I got my lab results back and spoke to my doctor. And turns out I've tested negative across the board! No diseases! At this point I only have god to thank. I haven't "acted out "since the last time I posted I did, which was over a week ago! I know that's not long but it was a big milestone for me.

Also today I had my first visit with my new therapist. I really like her she makes me feel comfortable and seems to really care about my problem.

So I am working on techniques I've learned in my groups and what I've learned today from my therapist on how to identify "triggers" and how to not let them take over me. It sounds a lot easier than it is but I've been doing good so far. Maybe there will be happiness in my future and my wife will love me for who I am and not who she thinks I am.

I this sounds kind of pathetic but... I couldn't have done all this without all of your help. I guess I just needed to hear it from someone else that I need professional help. So thank you for the push.

Now I pray that I don't "act out" again, so I can tale advantage of this second chance.

I ask you to keep pushing me so I can have a easier recovery.

Thank you again, and thank you for reading.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## slaabob

Dude...

You ARE eFFFed up.

As fast as you can, you ought to find a group. The one that saved me is S.L.A.A. That's sex and love addicts anonymous. You'll meet other who are as eFFFed up as you and learn how to work on those issues and get past them. It can e a lifesaver.

good luck


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## slaabob

First rule in those meetings is to IDENTIFY and not COMPARE. If you compare, the addict inside you will convince you that you're not as bad as they are, and you are not really so bad. That is not the message you need. The folks you met are not losers. They're men and women with problems. Some of them have problems similar to yours. I recommended SLAA, but if the group you found is the only one in your area, I suggest you stick with it.

good luck


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## EffedUpGuy

slaabob said:


> First rule in those meetings is to IDENTIFY and not COMPARE. If you compare, the addict inside you will convince you that you're not as bad as they are, and you are not really so bad. That is not the message you need. The folks you met are not losers. They're men and women with problems. Some of them have problems similar to yours. I recommended SLAA, but if the group you found is the only one in your area, I suggest you stick with it.
> 
> good luck




Ah, I see you've read the rest of the thread after your first post.

So yeah I agree with you, I am effed up. I've found a group thats very close to where I live, I've been twice already and I go again this week. Also yesterday I started seeing a therapist, she seems very smart and genuine, so I'll continue to see her.

But yeah now that I know I'm clean, I feel like I have a new life ahead of me... I just have to make sure my dark passenger doesn't take over me again. I have tools to help me with this now... so far it's been pretty easy but I've said that before in the past where I felt like I would never do it again... I only hope and pray that I can remain strong and not "slip" and "act out" again.


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## slaabob

Guy,

I'm glad to be reading that you're on the right track. I've been sexually sober for almost three years now. My bottom lines were infidelity, porn, and masturbation. 

Good luck


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## swedish

EffedUpGuy said:


> So I got my lab results back and spoke to my doctor. And turns out I've tested negative across the board! No diseases! At this point I only have god to thank. I haven't "acted out "since the last time I posted I did, which was over a week ago! I know that's not long but it was a big milestone for me.


Very glad to hear the test results are all clear. You are very fortunate in this regard & if it will help you when you have urges to bring this to the forefront of your mind ~ You are clean & any indiscretion going forward will risk that & render all the tests you did null & void. I am so glad to hear you are embracing help and support...stay tough


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## Amplexor

Zombie Thread Closed.


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