# One-Year Anniversary of D-Day



## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

February 20, 2015. The day the illusion (delusion?) of my contented life was shattered.

One year later, I'm divorced and basically the single parent of a 14-year-old son. I weigh 33 pounds less (it was 40 at one time - finally got my appetite back about a month ago and now actually have to watch what I eat again to stay thin). I have a nine-month old puppy. I've been promoted at my job and now have six people reporting to me.

I wish I could say all the pain and bitterness is gone, but it's hard when my ex moved his AP in with him from out of state 10 minutes away from us in a house we used to own and live in together. I try to look at the upside - my son and I are in the better house (we had kept the other one as a rental for 10 years, and in that time, it's gotten pretty trashed), we get to have a dog again, which my ex wouldn't allow when he was still here, and she's turned out to be a sweetheart - all the neighbors love her. I can have whatever work done on and in my house I want or need, without having to ask for his permission. I can go to any restaurants I want without hearing him complain that they're overpriced. I could go on all day.

I have to admit, when I get right down to it, that I don't miss him. I don't even miss the person I thought he was in the early years of our marriage - the "good things" about him. I have to admit that I just miss being married, having a regular companion, and the misguided, it turns out, notion I had that the man I was married to had my back and would stand by me through it all, just as I was willing to do for him.

I also miss being able to trust people. He took that away from me. I'm fighting to get it back, because I don't want to spend the rest of my life distrusting every person I know and meet until they earn it, instead of starting out giving them the benefit of the doubt until they give me a reason to distrust them. Mostly I don't want to keep giving him that power. I'm giving him some, I know, just by thinking and writing about this today.

Normally, I don't like to memorialize awful days, like the days of my parents' passing. This will be the only time I formally remember this anniversary. My goal is for it to be just another day by next year. I've come this far already. I ought to be able to finally, fully reach The Meh in another year's time.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I know there can still be hard days for a long while, you are doing good for yourself things will get better each day, week,month and years.

Just keep moving forward, you are doing great.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Go do something nice for yourself, today, NMB! Take that sweet doggie for a walk, get a mani/pedi, have some wine.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I think you are doing a lot better, than you can see for yourself. As I have read your post for a few months now, I know your tone has changed quite a bit. It shows your growth and new found strength.

Taking stock of the day and reflecting is a useful tool to see how far you have come.

Wishing you continued growth, a life full of laughter, happiness and love. 

You go girl, you rock.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

@Nomorebeans, (((((((((((hugs hugs hugs))))))))))))))

Good to hear from you, even though I'm sorry you're sad and have a trigger moment. Keep venting so you can get it off your chest and keep moving (even MORE forward than you've already come) to realizing your awesomeness. You have a real knack for looking on the bright side and demonstrating gratitude. I know exactly what you mean about missing being married and having a companion, someone who has your back. But I take comfort in the fact that my h ex-h is so selfish that he doesn't have OW's back either, and their "marriage," which took place before our divorce was even final, isn't even real (at so many levels). But when the karma bus hits, I won't be straining my neck to look at the carnage, because I will have moved way on down the road. 

And you know what? So will you. You're so far down the path to leaving the bull shyte behind that you make my head spin with your grace and speed. It isn't a bad thing to stop and acknowledge our hurts and disappointments and shell shock on the anniversaries of their occurrence, because those things help make us who we are - stronger, tougher, and less willing to put up with BS in the name of love. 

Rock on sister.


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## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Good wish's from the U.K. Nomorebeans


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

You're going to be OK!! There are so many positives in your life compared to what it was when the marriage was bad; or that is what I understand from your post. I think it is good that you are remembering this day, but you won't dwell on it in the future. Listen~I truly believe that we have to still process the bad in ways we can handle. If that means thinking about it all-then go ahead and do it. Most importantly is not to get stuck in one place for too long.

I am happy for you reading how things are different and I relate to a lot of what you said. I don't miss my STBX either however having a companion and someone to share the parenting with me makes me sad that it is now gone. The trust too...damn those cheaters that take it away.

Here is to a new life!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You've done well for just a year. Nice job. The dog is good. They love you no matter what.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Nomorebeans, 

The year mark for me was a period of the shock subsiding and allowing personal growth and healing. Work on finding healthy groups and people to associate with. 

I am much more at peace with myself now then I was at that time. My confidence in dating is much greater and I enjoy it now more then I ever did back in my youth. But the biggest changes in me, I live aware and not in fear, I can say no without fear.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You sound like you're doing very well, all things considered, esp. that he moved in with his OW a stone's throw away from you. I think it's natural to miss the companionship and the fact of marriage. I'm sure that with enough time you won't miss at all the putz that he is.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It does take a couple of years for the day to become just another day but from year one to year two will be a tremendous difference. 

You did get the better end of the deal, you got a puppy.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> Go do something nice for yourself, today, NMB! Take that sweet doggie for a walk, get a mani/pedi, have some wine.


I did take that sweet doggie for a few walks - a couple long ones - and had some wine. Also, my ex got to cart our son and his friends around for the day - I realized I'm always letting him off the hook of doing those mundane sorts of things. Actually got quite a bit done around the house while they were out for three hours.

So, Valentine's Day and D-Day are gone. Our anniversary would have been at the end of May. This one wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'm getting there. Or, at least I'm closer now than I have ever been.


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

JohnA said:


> Hi @Nomorebeans,
> 
> The year mark for me was a period of the shock subsiding and allowing personal growth and healing. Work on finding healthy groups and people to associate with.
> 
> I am much more at peace with myself now then I was at that time. My confidence in dating is much greater and I enjoy it now more then I ever did back in my youth. But the biggest changes in me, I live aware and not in fear, I can say no without fear.


This gives me hope that dating, when I'm ready for it (I still don't think I am), might not be too terrible. I was awful at it when I was young. I always felt too much too soon and scared them away with pesky little things like expecting them to call at least once a week and to want to see me more often than once every few Saturdays. But these will be grown men, not college boys, or boys fresh out of college. And we'll all have some experience and hopefully wisdom under our belts.

Right now, I'm still in a place of wanting to focus on my son and not introduce more change and drama into his life by injecting a SO into things. A couple friends are wanting to fix me up with this or that "great guy who loves kids" they know, but I'm not there yet.

Like many of you said, it helps a lot to focus on how far I've come instead of how far I have to go. I like to think I'm way past the halfway point of this marathon, and I haven't stopped running.


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## nursejackie (May 22, 2015)

Lots of luck and love for your future!

You sound like you are getting it all together. I love that you got a dog. The best therapy in the world is a warm dog and a glass of wine.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi @Nomorebeans, in the process of rebuilding myself I find I know myself better and bolder with women I date. I share more easily my pain/losses in an off handed way. I am clearer on what I expect and what I reject out of hand. I also find women who emerge sane but scared from adultery are very similar. It reminds of the old war vets comments of "seeing the elephant". Well you and I have seen an elephant, we are scared, but sane. 

So at some point when you ready when you meet a guy you have some interested in try being bold. Start a conversation with him by saying "I think a great first date is a long Sunday brunch where go dutch and we meet there". Then say I an available not this Sunday but next Sunday, let me know by Friday if your interested" and walk away. 


You see I have learned "bold" applies to more then sex. Sometimes a cigar is really just a cigar. 


Be well, be bold


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are doing so well it is a joy to see. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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