# confronting om



## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Wife had affair w this one guy who is a friend of family, just bought to the surface issues we had always had in our 17 year marriage. Decided to separate and have been for about a month. I see that she is still talking to guy but she denies a relationship. She is more than welcome to.do.what she wants but I just know this guy is toxic for her. I never confronted him after the affair. Me and her still get along and have not lost all hope in reconciliation( although fading fast). I told her last week or so I was thinking of confronting him, probably over the phone( don't want to lose my job) basically telling him what a shut I think he is and that although she can make her own decisions that if he screws her over that I will expose him to her family. Is this a bad idea, it just feels like it would relieve some anger. She begs me not to saying it's not him.it's her yada yada. I know it really solves nothing but is it not a good thing?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

mk50 said:


> Wife had affair w this one guy who is a friend of family, just bought to the surface issues we had always had in our 17 year marriage. Decided to separate and have been for about a month. I see that she is still talking to guy but she denies a relationship. She is more than welcome to.do.what she wants but I just know this guy is toxic for her. I never confronted him after the affair. Me and her still get along and have not lost all hope in reconciliation( although fading fast). I told her last week or so I was thinking of confronting him, probably over the phone( don't want to lose my job) basically telling him what a shut I think he is and that although she can make her own decisions that if he screws her over that I will expose him to her family. Is this a bad idea, it just feels like it would relieve some anger. She begs me not to saying it's not him.it's her yada yada. I know it really solves nothing but is it not a good thing?


Does he have a wife or girlfriend? Either way, why not expose him to his own family (along w/ hers)?

Either way, I wouldn't entertain any notions of reconciliation while she's still talking to the guy. Doesn't matter if they're still together or not... as if you could even believe that.

Oh, and the "it's not him, it's me" bullsh*t...? It's exactly that -- bullsh*t.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

No he is divorced, and I don't know his family but from what I gathered from a mutual friend is that he is a player. From what she told me the affair kinda was kind of dying out any way when I found out because she thought he was seeing someone else. Plus he wanted another kid and that is definitely not in her playbook. I'm just baffled that she would adversely up again but she has to make her own mistakes in an effort to " find herself". It just causes me so much hurt when I see them fb message each other. I allowed her her own phone line so I wouldn't have to see them text. Maybe what she alluded to is true, she's just using him for sex.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

If you want to try and reconcile you will need to expose her relationship with the OM. Confronting the OM will serve you no purpose and he most likely could care less. He isn’t the issue, its her willingness to be in the situation that she caused and apparently stay in it. Player or not, just being used for sex whatever, she said yes. She had a choice. 

She cant let go of him, you are separated and the longer that goes on the more you two will learn to live apart from one another. You have no chance of reconciling while he is still in the picture and she must give him up before you can address reconciling. Your not plan B.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

Thanks honcho, I agree nothing can be done while he is in picture. We gave ourselves 6 months to figure out where we are, she is livingboutvof the house but we see each other almost every day due to the kids. I have a wedding to go to w her this weekend we will see how that goes, plus then we have a week vacation as a family at the end of the month. I don't want to be the fall back guy so from this point imagines try my best not to bring any topic other than kids and bills up. We will see how long I go haha


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Mk
you have to be willing to end the marriage in order to save it.
Skewer this pos.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Meanwhile she is most likely telling her friends and family what a controlling, abusive jerk you are and blaming the breakup of the marriage on you. 

Stop that in its tracks. Set the record straight before she trashes your rep. Tell her friends and family point blank what she did and what she may still be doing. Tell them her affair is what is destroying the marriage.

Ignore the OM. He didn't make vows to you. He's just a guy getting a free piece of azz offered up to him freely. Most men would. Take your wife down off the pedestal and see her for the crappy, selfish person she really is. Stop making excuses for her.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Did you set boundaries for the separation? Can you guys date and have another summer in college, or is for solitary reflection of a life apart, but still faithful to the marriage?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

She thinks you're waiting for her to come back and it seems like that's true. In the mean time she's playing around. The definition of that is "being a plan B". I don't think that ever results in legitimate reconciliation.

If you actually want reconciliation then I think the mistake you're making is that you're talking to her about things that are not kid related. Basically she's still got a friend, she's got a booty call, she's got freedom, and she's got insurance that she can come back.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

mk50 said:


> She is more than welcome to.do.what she wants but I just know this guy is toxic for her.
> 
> if he screws her over that I will expose him to her family.


These should be the least of your concerns. 

I doubt these are your real concerns when it comes to OM, though. You're really worried that she might be hurt by her OM?

I think you want to confront him for other reasons, maybe you think your anger at him will dissipate if you express it, or that it would somehow help your reconciliation if your anger somehow gets him out of her life.

Unless she kicks him out of her life voluntarily, you will be disappointed in the end.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

Exposure is normally for the purpose of ending the affair and not for vengeance. You won't feel any less angry towards her or towards him if you do expose the relationship. A separation is for the purpose of working on the marriage not to pursue freedom to date or be involved with others. If she is not willing to cut-off all contact with this individual reconciliation doesn't seem likely. Are the two of you pursuing counseling of any kind? 

There is a book titled _Hope for the Separated_ by Gary Chapman that could be helpful to you. I also know about a series of articles by the same title. If you are interested I will share the link but you will have to send me a private message. In the meantime, I hope your wife decides that she wants to work on your relationship and will sever all ties with this guy. I also hope you find a good support group to get through this time. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## mk50 (Jan 24, 2014)

she definitly thinks i would take her back and up to this point i have done nothing to show her otherwise. Yes confronting would be to try and get him to stop seeing him and you know your right unless she does it on her own whats the point she will not learn. Yes i am in IC and we occasionally go to MC together. our MC counselor is also both of our individual counselor and I think that has to change because I know I hold back some things knowing they will be discussed. I am starting my own 180 today, i have made that promise to myself, my hardest thing to do is not log on her FB to check for messages. I tell myself I do this just to have a barometer to judge her truthfulness but like the 180 says i need to believe half of what she says anyway. I truly love her and the hurt I feel is horrible but I do know that in time it will get better. If I stick to the 180 for three weeks, the together vacation hopefully will be less stressful for all involved. I know its going to be a grind and am not looking forward to these next 5 months.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Remember 180 is for your own well being. It just so happens that you become more attractive when you're taking care of yourself. Reconciliation potential is merely one by product of it.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

I don't think there's anything to confront him about. That's your wife's job to end it. She's not. OM knows it is BS. Do you believe that he thinks you're good with it? If he's a player/PUA, then she's just another lay. You want to take her back after this? 

Watch her actions. Not her silly words. She keeps talking to this guy, keeping you on the side during her "find herself" separation. 

You're getting played, dude. You ARE the fallback plan if you allow things to continue this way.

I recommend exposing her affair to her family, but leave him out of it.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

for what I have read, you have not exposed to all the family (as he is supposed to be a family firend), do it, expose it, her is getting the best in this deal, your wife wants a 6 months separation to see if she get him to compromise, so in the mean time this OM player is going to enjoy his time with her until he have to give his final answer, his influence is toxic and he bedding your wife shows that he is not friend of the family. you have to expose if you are going to reconcile this guy have to be out of the picture and away from the family anyway.

If you are a afraid that your wife is not going to want reconcilation if you expose it, then your relationship is doomed anyway, the only way reconcilation have a shot is with this guy out of the picture and away from the whole family.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Wow dude, Just read your whole story, to be honest I don't even think reconcilation is worth the effort, your marriage is destryed to the core.

she have had 3 affairs (serial cheater) and you had 1 (probably revenge affair), I still think that exposing the scum OM player is the best as he is obviously taking adventage of the situation having his fun without caring that he is destroying part of the family with whom he is supposed to be friened, but this guy is not the problem, is she (and well, also you as you also had an affair).

serial cheaters normally don't change, in all the cases here of TAM probably TAM are about two cases of sucessfull reconcialtion with serial cheaters and all the others are trying with no so good result, serial cheaters are addict to external attention, crave for validation of the opposite sex and love affair sex. is good that you have an amicable relationship with her in the face of separation but reconcialtion should be discarded of your options.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mk50 said:


> Wife had affair w this one guy who is a friend of family, just bought to the surface issues we had always had in our 17 year marriage. Decided to separate and have been for about a month. I see that she is still talking to guy but she denies a relationship. She is more than welcome to.do.what she wants but I just know this guy is toxic for her. I never confronted him after the affair. Me and her still get along and have not lost all hope in reconciliation( although fading fast). I told her last week or so I was thinking of confronting him, probably over the phone( don't want to lose my job) basically telling him what a shut I think he is and that although she can make her own decisions that if he screws her over that I will expose him to her family. Is this a bad idea, it just feels like it would relieve some anger. She begs me not to saying it's not him.it's her yada yada. I know it really solves nothing but is it not a good thing?


mk50, on May 28th, on your other thread, I stated that I didn't think you were crazy, I just thought you were a fool in love.

I'll stand by that, only in light of this, I'd like to add that you aren't headed in the right direction.

Disclaimer: I have had too much beer tonight. My neighbor stopped by, and, well, we drank a LOT of beer.

Let me explain something to you.

You married some woman. Part of your weeding vows included not having sex with other people.

YOU broke that vow. You went and put your trouser snake in some other girls' love-pocket. This is a bad thing. It shows that, deep down inside, you didn't really take your vows seriously. You didn't really love your wife that much.

Think about that for a minute.

Then think about what your wife has done. And think about me, since I will probably get banned from TAM for a few days after the mods read this post because multiple people report it for graphic language.

Ooops, sorry. Think about what your wife has done.

If she was playing football, she was a wide receiver. If she was playing basketball, she TOOK IT TO THE HOLE. If she was playing baseball, she took a line drive straight up the center. As a tennis player, she won all her matches by a score of LOVE-0. If she was playing Australian Football, she got in a scrum.

If she was playing soccer, she, uh, actually fell asleep during the game. Okay, bad analogy.

If she was a pirate, her ship was the Jolly Roger. If she was in the Navy, she was a Submarine- full of seamen. If she was in the Air Force, she had a nuclear missile in her silo. If she was in the army, she met the enema and conquered him.

If she was a Marine, she was one of the few, the proud, the dead on the beach (with a grateful smile to any Marines reading this, hope you enjoyed the very old joke).

She did the nasty. She headed on down to penis-town. She betrayed you. She had sex with another man. She enjoyed it, and she did it again and again.

She did all this with 3 different men.

Walk away.

Nothing she says or does should matter to you.

Find another woman, and treat her better than you did this one. And expect, nay, INSIST that she treat you better than this one has. Find a woman who likes you so much that she won't hike up her skirt for other men.

Geez.

My buzz is wearing off.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

NotLikeYou said:


> Disclaimer: I have had too much beer tonight. My neighbor stopped by, and, well, we drank a LOT of beer.
> 
> .


<nod to beer wisdom>


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