# Where to draw the line between co-parenting and friendship



## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

So, we have been together for over 20 years. My husband has been my best friend and husband and father to to our kids. He has decided he wants to separate. Plan is to tell the kids in September and he will move out beginning of October. 
I don't know where to draw the line in regards to our friendship. Things pop in my head and I want to tell him, send a text, email, whatever. They aren't always kid related. Even how is your day, these are things we've done for 20 years.
Just curious what others found worked well. I know I need to have new guidelines. This all seems like such a lonely experience, not just losing a husband but also my best friend.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You sound like you are a bit in denial, sorry.

So he wants to separate? Why? Are you in favor of a separation? Where is he sleeping?
You say he's your best friend and you want to share the little events of the day with him. If he's so great a friend, then why end the marriage? Why the separation? Odd way for your best friend to behave. Have you tried MC?

How old are the kids?


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## stillhoping01 (Aug 28, 2015)

Pluto2 said:


> You sound like you are a bit in denial, sorry.
> 
> So he wants to separate? Why? Are you in favor of a separation? Where is he sleeping?
> You say he's your best friend and you want to share the little events of the day with him. If he's so great a friend, then why end the marriage? Why the separation? Odd way for your best friend to behave. Have you tried MC?
> ...


Sorry, I had posted previously, "Just beginning" so didn't go into all that because I thought people had probably seen that. Here is the first thing I posted in that:
My husband and I have been working on things for 3 or so years. He came to me initially and said he was unhappy. It was actually a really great conversation and we both shared how overwhelmed and disconnected things had become over the years. We have a 14, 11 and 7 year old. The baby years were tough. He felt particularly disconnected physically. We went to counseling, a sex therapist, recognized it was more than not enough sex but that we needed to work on our communication, etc... We worked on both communication and our physical relationship, both improved a lot. 
Trying to boil this down is tough. 
Anyway, a year or so ago, he told me he was still unhappy and thought he wanted to separate. He feels we are incompatible and that he is in over his head. I felt we had been working hard and making good progress. He still felt things were not where he wanted them to be. We kept working on our communication skills. He continued with therapy for himself because he felt much of this was him figuring out who he is.
In May, he shared that he still thought he wanted to separate but wanted to give it 3 more months and was going to go on an antidepressant to see if that helped with his emotions. I agreed to wait 3 more months, I love him, I wanted this to work out. We had a good summer, spent good family time, were physical, felt connected. The waiting and limbo has been hard for me. We were still intimate, he still told me he loves me. This week, I told him I needed an answer, the waiting and wondering was too hard and unfair. He said he still wants to separate.
If he had been a jerk, had an affair, told me he wasnt in love anymore, this would make more sense. However, that is not how things have gone. Also, it is hard for me to process that he is willing to do this not just to me but to our kids. 
I think he feels he is a more solitary person. He let me lead most of our life and now is in a situation where he just isn't happy and can't keep up and feel like himself. I sort of feel like it is a midlife crisis but it doesn't really matter what it is, the fact is, he is moving out. 
I guess I'm hoping to connect with someone who has experienced something similar and can give some guidance, support, insight. Thanks.

Probably other stuff you can glean from what others replied with and my response.

So through this process, we have stayed friends. Of course, we have had ups and downs. And I am sure "best friends" means different things to different people. I have very close friends that I share a lot with. But obviously, as a married couple, we have shared a lot and this part of the separation process seems like it is going to hurt a lot. Just wondering how people set boundaries and if staying good friends really does work for some.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sorry I didn't see the other thread. Its usually a good idea to stick to one-so that stuff like this doesn't happen.

Others can probably relate, but its a good idea to treat your STBX as you would the plumber. Be nice, friendly and only share what needs to be shared. In this case, that means only share stuff about the kids. If he were your plumber would you ask about his day, or share some silly thing that happened the night before? Probably not.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Is there such a thing asa difficult. Painful, but honorable divorce - yes. Can a deep friendship develop - yes. Number of tines such an event occurs each year - 5 or 6 maybe ?

Let's start with the why he is separating please. Why do you think your friendship will survive future intimate relationships with others ? There will be a time when your "friendship" will collide with the new relationship. These questions are best case. Medium case, future partner realizes that in fact in some ways are causing merely sone harm to the current relationship and the partner refuses to acknowledge it and fix it. How many EA/PA are between exs? Read the threads on this board. 

Let's discus what you can expect after doing the above.

One final note- many posters will inquire about the possibility of an affair. The thing is how many times, without slowing down and looking, run a red light between 6pm and 9pm in mid-town manhattan and not cause an accident ? I worked their 15 yrs and saw it once. 

Lot of truth in the wisdom of truth but verify.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry, did not pick up the existence of other threads and possible important information.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

stillhoping01 said:


> Sorry, I had posted previously, "Just beginning" so didn't go into all that because I thought people had probably seen that. Here is the first thing I posted in that:
> My husband and I have been working on things for 3 or so years. He came to me initially and said he was unhappy. It was actually a really great conversation and we both shared how overwhelmed and disconnected things had become over the years. We have a 14, 11 and 7 year old. The baby years were tough. He felt particularly disconnected physically. We went to counseling, a sex therapist, recognized it was more than not enough sex but that we needed to work on our communication, etc... We worked on both communication and our physical relationship, both improved a lot.
> Trying to boil this down is tough.
> Anyway, a year or so ago, he told me he was still unhappy and thought he wanted to separate. He feels we are* incompatible and that he is in over his head.* I felt we had been working hard and making good progress. He still felt things were not where he wanted them to be. We kept working on our communication skills. He continued with therapy for himself because he felt much of this was him *figuring out who he is*.
> ...


Still - the things in bold above are "weasel words". I don't mean to be direct here but he's simply being selfish and thinking only of himself. There is more going on here. He's simply covering his tracks and he's trying to get you to buy his MLC crud.

Where was "in over his head", "incompatible" and "finding himself" for twenty years of marriage and three kids? I call BS on that. I sometimes want to find people like your husband and shake some sense into them.

If ever there was a place for the 180, this is it. You don't go from an intimate relationship to being "good friends". It will not work. You can be cordial but not friends. I think the 180 is a perfect place for you.

Go read McDean's thread or MrPack's thread for a male perspective. Read TooNice's thread for a female perspective. I think you would learn a lot.


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## depressedandexhausted (Aug 24, 2015)

My sister was married for 18 years. They have two amazing kids. Smart and excelling in school. One is actually attending Princeton as I write.
Her, and her husband were a great couple. They got along, seemed to be amazing friends. I would stay over off an on, and their fights, however rare were so quickly ended and solved it was unbelievable. They would get mad, take a break and then sit and talk, calmy until they got a good enough solution. I bring this up because my sister, my family and my ex-brother in laws family had no idea. He would at random nights after work go to a bar and pick up women. He had two homes. One he lived in with his family and another he slept in regularly with other women.

The point is, he was cheating. There were zero signs of it. 
He came home one day and said he was unhappy and wanted a divorce. She was devastated. In her frantic attempts to try to work things out they connected physically.
The only reason my sister found out he was cheating,was because one day after going to the bathroom she saw, well things running around downstairs. 

Now he is being a **** to his kids, refuses to pay child support and wont help his daughter go to school. My entire family is now paying for her college. You never know, but dont discount anything unless you have proved otherwise.

Needless to say, he is changing drastically. This is either a chemical issue, in his brain. Such as depression or mid life crisis or he is doing something that he shouldnt be that is making him have doubts about his marriage. 20 years is hard to throw away, hell I am going through the end of a 5 year marriage, and to me this is devastating.

Good luck, I hope it all works out.


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