# Ex wife's Birthday



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

She left me, hurt me, she is with someone else and we are just about final after about 6 months. 
So I had a question about her upcoming birthday and your thoughts on it. Debating wishing her a happy Birthday...don't think I will but thinking about it...not sure why. I guess because she sent me a text on my Birthday and wished it to me in person with a hug when I dropped my son off after my Birthday dinner. 

Next question would be, as I mentioned we have a 9 year old son together and I told him Mommy's Birthday is coming up and he said "yep". That's it. Should I offer to take him out to get her a present. I thought he would ask, but he didn't and I just dropped it. She took him out so he could buy me a few presents and a card for my birthday, but that was after 3 months and we still talked then....things have gone downhill since then and there is no personal contact anymore. Would I be doing the wrong thing if I didn't take him out or at least offer?? I think he may feel bad if he doesn't have something for her when the time comes.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Bring him to get her something but don't say happy birthday to her. You are teaching him to be a good man, and teaching yourself to not be connected to her anymore.


----------



## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

Drop it and move on, don't recognize anything other than helping your son with her birthday. My STBXW and I will be final in about a month and brother, let me tell you women are already crawling out of the woodwork, and I'm early 50's with no hair. Yes, the divorce hurts but there is definitely new life out there. She's done with you and the best thing is to move on, trust me.


----------



## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

I would ask you son if he wants to get her something and leave it up to him. But for you I would not acknowledge her birthday.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I wouldn't bother unless he asks -- if he wants to get something for her he'll let you know.

I wouldn't bother saying anything to her either. If you're honest with yourself, you'll realize that her wishing you a Happy Birthday, hugging you, etc, only confused you and prolonged the detachment process.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Oh I'd get my cheating ex-spouse something for their birthday alright!

How about an STD test kit? Along with a prescription for penicillin!*


----------



## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Cromer said:


> Drop it and move on, don't recognize anything other than helping your son with her birthday. My STBXW and I will be final in about a month and brother, let me tell you women are already crawling out of the woodwork, and I'm early 50's with no hair. Yes, the divorce hurts but there is definitely new life out there. She's done with you and the best thing is to move on, trust me.


 @Cromer, WOW....I am saddened by your development. I don't want to thread jack...yours was such a poignant story. I hope you are doing well. Please update if/when you are able? 

Enjoy those women crawling out of the woodwork, you deserve it!


----------



## Don't Panic (Apr 2, 2017)

Canada75 said:


> She left me, hurt me, she is with someone else and we are just about final after about 6 months.
> So I had a question about her upcoming birthday and your thoughts on it. Debating wishing her a happy Birthday...don't think I will but thinking about it...not sure why. I guess because she sent me a text on my Birthday and wished it to me in person with a hug when I dropped my son off after my Birthday dinner.
> 
> Next question would be, as I mentioned we have a 9 year old son together and I told him Mommy's Birthday is coming up and he said "yep". That's it. Should I offer to take him out to get her a present. I thought he would ask, but he didn't and I just dropped it. She took him out so he could buy me a few presents and a card for my birthday, but that was after 3 months and we still talked then....things have gone downhill since then and there is no personal contact anymore. Would I be doing the wrong thing if I didn't take him out or at least offer?? I think he may feel bad if he doesn't have something for her when the time comes.


It's kind of you to consider this. Casually offer to take your son to select something small. If he is interested, do so without fanfare or production. If he is not, drop it. 
Since things have progressed downhill, do not feel obligated to extend your own personal sentiments. It may be best for your own healing to maintain distance.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Since your son is young I vote to take him to the store so he can get mom a gift, at nine he's very conflicted emotionally and I would bet afraid to let you know he still loves his mom, very doubtful he would ask you to take him shopping for her gift. Regardless of how you feel about your ex and the failed marriage you need to understand your son and his mom have a different relationship than you had with her, and you want your son to have a mother he loves and is comfortable showing that love, even if it's front of you. 

As for your part I would ignore her birthday, no card, no text, certainly no hug. And if she sends you birthday greetings in the future just ignore it.


----------



## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I would ask your son if he thinks he should get his mother something for her birthday, explaining that she is still his mother her behavior notwithstanding and then proceed accordingly. As to wishing her a happy birthday, if you feel obligated to do so because of her wish to you realize that hers was a disingenuous gesture. It is counter intuitive to wish someone happiness when you are causing them great unhappiness. Therefore, I would express the wish to her if you sincerely desire her to have a happy birthday but if it is to assuage some perceived guilt over her gesture, then it is not warranted.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

By helping your son through this pain....you are helping Her through this pain.

She left you. She now has another man.

She wished YOU a happy birthday out of guilt...residual kindness. Kindness like this is given to a neighbor or to an acquaintance.

She is neither a neighbor or acquaintance. She was your lover, your wife, your' everything.

You need not hate..her.
You need not feed her betrayal. Soothe her feelings of regret.

A big man...
A big man would broadly smile and say forthrightly, "Happy Birthday!".

He would take his son to the store and let him pick out a gift and PAY for it.

This would show her that you have forgiven her and have moved past the pain. Moved past your empty heart.

But doing THIS would puff up her ego at at the expense of YOURS.

Ignore her. Ignore her birthday. She is not your friend. 

She is yesterdays love. 
A Love lost and a Love forgotten.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One good thing that has come out of all of THIS.

You got the dog.....the better dog.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> By helping your son through this pain....you are helping Her through this pain.
> 
> She left you. She now has another man.
> 
> ...


OP, good words of wisdom here. Become invisible to her.

Never answer a phone call direct. Only reply to text on your son, D or business. Anything else should ge "no response".

If you can do this you'll be much better off.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're having a tough time shedding the Mr Guy.

Some realization for you.

Women don't move out normally without having another man. He surfaced very quickly and probably has been there awhile which caused her to move out. I suspect she was wanting to try him out first before going for D. You cut that cord probably quicker than she wanted.

They also lie a lot and you'll never know the full truth. This is nothing special just your typical lying cheating wife. She's no special snowflake.

You should put her behind you now. You're young and can have a great life but not with dragging that heavy baggage behind you.

Hard 180!!!!


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Marc878 said:


> You're having a tough time shedding the Mr Guy.
> 
> Hard 180!!!!


Run for deep water....

go to the Medina Deep below

Clip from U-571 - Movie Sound Clips
Clip from U-571 - Movie Sound Clips

Clip from U-571 - Movie Sound Clips[/url]


----------



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

Thanks for all your responses. I asked him again, told him I wouldn't mind taking him out and paying for a present and getting a card he could give her. He said no..... Problem solved. There will be no Happy Birthday from me either. Not sure what I was thinking. There is no personal contact between us, so why start now. Her new man can wish her a Happy Birthday!!


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Yep, she's nothing to you now so you just need to let it go. She's not your problem anymore. 

You'll have the opportunity when you're ready to pick someone better this time


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> One good thing that has come out of all of THIS.
> 
> You got the dog.....the better dog.


*Let's just say that the one good and most natural thing about a dog is that they are much more often than not, fiercely loyal and firmly bonded to their master and would never ever consider cheating on them!*


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Marc878 said:


> Yep, she's nothing to you now so you just need to let it go. She's not your problem anymore.
> 
> You'll have the opportunity when you're ready to pick someone better this time


The highlighted text is what you need to keep reminding yourself of. Post divorce one of the healthiest things I did was tell me newly ex wife "you are no longer my responsibility or my problem", that was my line in the sand moment and it felt good.


----------



## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Canada, if you don't mind my asking, I am curious about the ownership of your stbxw condo. You said you were half owner and on the mortgage. You said she wouldn't do that if she was planning to divorce.


----------



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

That's what I thought....guess not!! I suppose she was still on the fence then, but now she is with someone else. Whether she had him in the wings from the get go or not I will never know.


----------



## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I wouldn't do anything, she's out of your life now and her birthday is just another day, nothing more. If you son wants to get her something, take him out, but not unless he asks.


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Canada75 said:


> She left me, hurt me, she is with someone else and we are just about final after about 6 months.
> 
> So I had a question about her upcoming birthday and your thoughts on it. Debating wishing her a happy Birthday...don't think I will but thinking about it...not sure why. I guess because she sent me a text on my Birthday and wished it to me in person with a hug when I dropped my son off after my Birthday dinner.
> 
> ...




My ex has never forgotten to get me a present from my children and I have never forgotten to get him a gift from the children.

You are doing it for your son, not you.

It is the kind, respectful and considerate thing to do. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

If and only if your son feels he has to get his mother a present. Me, given that the hurts and wounds are relatively fresh, I would try and avoid any discussions on this matter.


----------



## Canada75 (Jan 15, 2017)

xMadame said:


> My ex has never forgotten to get me a present from my children and I have never forgotten to get him a gift from the children.
> 
> You are doing it for your son, not you.
> 
> ...


I ended up taking the high road and took him out to get her a present, but I didn't wish her a happy birthday.


----------

