# High school sweetheart cheated on me then continued talking to him



## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

I know this is alot as you can imagine being a long relationship/marriage. I'm cutting a few things out to shorten it up but feel free to ask for clarification. Please excuse any grammar or punctuation errors, I typed this up as quick as possible.

Cliffnotes: My high school sweetheart of 17 years recently cheated on me back in September then continued talking to the guy after wanting to do marriage therapy.

A little bit of background on us (both 34). We met each other in high school in senior year 2001 and dated for a while until 2011 when things go serious and got married. We both moved to another state where we lived for 3 years and everything was awesome: intimacy, quality time, affection, love for each, everything. Then we decided we wanted to move back home to Texas to be closer to family, that’s when everything went downhill. No kids by the way.

I got a transfer with the same company but she got a new job where she works as an attorney for the state (her job is 60 miles away). Things started to get rocky when within the first year she was coming home at midnight to 1am about 2 to 3 days of the week. It seemed really strange that someone would need to work that late but I thought maybe that’s the job of an attorney. She started making new friends, hanging out with during happy hour then she would go back to the office and work. She made a new male co-worker that she brought around me on weekends to hang out with and I was always a bit suspicious of their very close behavior but didn’t pay too much mind. Slowly things started changing in our marriage: intimacy and desire for me was not there, no quality time, personality was cold, not affection. In other words it was the complete opposite of what I had experienced before. I started getting suspicious but at the same time I started asking her why things feel different and why she has to work late all the time. She started looking at it as me nagging and complained about why I always complained. I started feeling like I was secondary and felt neglected at home. My world revolved around her so much of the time I’d be looking forward to her coming home on time only to find out she would be coming home at midnight. Most of the nights I ate dinner by myself.

As I started feeling neglected I felt something was wrong so I started getting more and more suspicious. For months I started looking into her phone when she would go to sleep to find any explanation. One night I found an exchange between her and the same male co-worker. The exchange basically involved a “I love you” and how much the guy co-worker orgasmed. The next day I was fuming and confronted her about it and she admitted they messed around, made out for 10 minutes and touched each other intimately when he was driving her back to her car after a happy hour (which she never told me about). She said they had talked about it and realized it was a mistake. I was so hurt. She then suggested she wanted to do marriage therapy and I took that as she wanted to make things work.

We started going to marriage therapy shortly after and things were going somewhat okay. I thought there were some things I could change so I started working on those things (even bought 5 love languages which she never read). Her on the other hand, the only real thing she started doing was coming home on time. Things seemed a little off like. It was hard to put my finger and I even told the therapist that I didn’t feel like my wife was making an effort. Long story short I found she had another phone she was using to talk using the Talkatone app to talk to the guy she messed around with. This app allowed her to make calls over wifi or data so that I wouldn’t see the guys phone number on her T-mobile account since I got ahold of her login information. I found this out because I realized she was hiding her car keys under the bed mattress and she had this phone in the glove compartment of her car. I was extremely angry and upset and confronted her about it and she made me look like I was the crazy one. She then blurted out that she wanted a divorce. I moved out and have been living at my sister-in-law’s for 2 weeks.

Since all of this she texted me and said that shes sorry but that she feels like she needs some separate time off to clear her head. I just don’t know what to even think. I’m so confused because I can honestly say I think I’m a pretty good husband. I do practically everything around the house. She recently texted me that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce but was scared to tell me. I honestly think that she is blaming me for unhappiness when she was in reality having feelings for another guy. 

Some tidbits after finding out. She was talking to this guy to and from work for more than an hour. On the day I found out I looked at her phone bill and phone out she was talking to him for more than 3 hours while I was at my sister in laws so distraught and crying. She claims they are just best friends but admits she had feelings for him. I just don’t understand why at a time where there’s a marriage crisis you would pick your relationship with him over our marriage and my feelings and what I’m going through. The only thing I can think of is that she still has feelings for this guy and that hurts sooooooo much.

I’m at wit ends. I honestly have nothing in me left. I don’t see how I can even trust her after this. Even then, I can’t ever understand how she would have ever wanted a divorce when all I wanted was for her to spend more time with me and not pick her job over me. As I said, I did mostly everything around the house. I just feel like she totally took me for granted. Maybe her love has died down for me? I don’t know. I’m just wondering if anyone has ever been in this position where they were cheated on, then did therapy only to find out they were still talking to the other person. The worst feelings is the thought of the person you love so much having feelings for another person other than you. That hurts. It’s the worst feeling that I have ever experienced. I’ve given up mentally, I guess I’m just waiting for something miraculous to happen but don’t think it will happen; 90% of me is done, 10% is thinking maybe she’ll have some epiphany of what all she has done. I feel so stupid.

If you made it this far thank you so much for reading everything, I appreciate it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Life gets a lot easier when you stop trying to get someone who doesn't love you to do so. Give up and move on to a better life. I know it's painful but sometimes in life things end.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

It's an unfortunate reality that sometimes, despite our best intentions, relationships end. Your wife has moved on without you. You can either sit around feeling sorry for yourself, or you can take charge of your life. In a few years, you'll look back on this and be in a much better place in your life. Will you be proud of how you handled yourself in this situation? Or, will you be ashamed of how you acted? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She has fallen in love with another man. He is now her focus and has been for sometime now - from what you wrote. And don't think for a minute that they have not had sex and most likely still are. Time to "think and clear her head" is cheater speak for getting you out of the way so she can spend more time with him.

If you truly want her to be happy, give her what she wants. A divorce.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

> said that shes sorry but that she feels like she needs some separate time off to clear her head.


This is classic "chick speak" which translates to: "I'm banging another guy. I need some time to figure out if he can make me cum harder and give me more butterflies than you can. If he can't, after I'm good and ready, I'll be back. And fully expect you to be grateful and welcome me with open arms." 

Sorry man. She's full of chit. Women never...repeat NEVER "need some time to clear my head" or "some time to myself" unless they're banging someone else, or seriously thinking about banging someone else, and wanting to be able to justify it by being "separated". 

A woman who is done with you because you're an ass (not saying at all that you are) will just leave with a bunch of FU's trailing behind them. They get pushed to their limits, and they are just "done". In my experience. It takes a lot to get a good woman to leave even a pretty damn bad man But once she does, there is generally no beating around the bush. It's "FU, and goodbye". 

I learned long ago, when a female comes up with that nonsense....."I need time to think" or "I need some time to sort things out", your best and only real self preserving option is to give them all the time they need. And then some. As in forever.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

* 1983
Since all of this she texted me and said that shes sorry but that she feels like she needs some separate time off to clear her head.*

People don't need time to clear their head, that is affair speak. She wants him as a play toy and you as a back-up.

Forget all about marriage therapy. It is a waste of time and money when someone has an affair partner unless you, your W and the OM are all OK with a 3-some. Your W turned into a party girl even if only with one guy. Some people can't control their emotions and they go with what feels good or exciting. This new guy is giving her a honey-moon high. Another term is "new relationship energy." It is a strong feeling/addiction and very difficult to get over.

See a divorce or family law attorney, get all of your joint financial record together and determine your legal and emotional options NOW. Don't wait for things to change or get better.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

donny64 said:


> This is classic "chick speak"
> 
> Sorry man. She's full of chit. Women never...repeat NEVER "need some time to clear my head" or "some time to myself" unless their banging someone else, or seriously thinking about banging someone else, and wanting to be able to justify it by being "separated".
> .


Uh- this is classic CHEATER SPEAK.

As in MALE and FEMALE CHEATER SPEAK.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She cheated her way out of your marriage.

She has a disease called Entitled Princess Syndrome.

There is no cure. But it is treatable. For you, if not her.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Give her what she wants. File for divorce and make sure she is served at work. Should make for some interesting convo around the water cooler. Then, let her coworkers know. Reality might wake her up.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Sorry to hear of your predicament. There are a few things you need to realise if you have not already done so and also some actions you need to take.


First, this is not about you or due to anything you have done or not done. She decided to cheat. She met another man who fired up her loins and she went for it.

She has it in her character and moral make-up to cheat. People develop as they become adults and mature. She may not have demonstrated these characteristics when she was 17 but as sure as anything, she has them now and they probably arrived along the way. This is who she is now.


All the affection that she showed to you is nothing special. She is capable of showing exactly this affection to other men she bangs. This is what she is doing now.


She asked you to move out so that she could continue to fvck the other guy without you in the way. You should never leave your home, She is the cheater, she should move out. Go back home and to your bedroom (before she defiles the bed) and kick her out. You cannot make her legally leave the house but you can move back and make life really uncomfortable for her.


She has shown you what she is - believe her. Why would you want a disrespectful, lying, cheating woman for a wife ? Give her what she wants by way of a divorce - consult an attorney (or a few of the best ones in the area so that she cannot use them - they offer a free first half hour or so) and protect yourself financially. You don't have kids so view this as a blessing. Get her out of your life.


Expose the affair. To the POSOM's wife/gf, both your families, close friends and at work. You can sue her employers for alienation of affection and you should threaten this. Get both of them fired.

Do the 180 - it will work wonders for your mental well being and confidence etc. Improve your appearance, work out, stay healthy and go out and socialise. Do not appear needy, do the pick me dance or anything like that. It will make you appear weak and in fact, will actually make you weak.


Do not waste any time on trying to make her see sense or wisen up etc. Get moving with filing for divorce asap . Good luck!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

donny64 said:


> This is classic "chick speak" which translates to: "I'm banging another guy. I need some time to figure out if he can make me cum harder and give me more butterflies than you can. If he can't, after I'm good and ready, I'll be back. And fully expect you to be grateful and welcome me with open arms."
> 
> Sorry man. She's full of chit. Women never...repeat NEVER "need some time to clear my head" or "some time to myself" unless they're banging someone else, or seriously thinking about banging someone else, and wanting to be able to justify it by being "separated".
> 
> ...


*Better translated: “I need time away from you to screw his ever loving light sockets out without you being remotely anywhere around! I heard the same thing from my RSXW when she uttered the infamous line, “What ’we’ need is a ‘trial separation!’”

Go ahead and give her the air! You really have nothing left to stay with her for! IMHO, there is probably less than a 1% chance that she’ll come crawling back to you after she has blatantly cheated on you! And perchance that she did, who in the hell would want her back anyway?

She deliberately slapped you in the face and then rewarded some other guy with sex for all of the loyalty which you gave her and had you thinking that you were getting right back from her in return!

Time to open up a brand new chapter in your life and find yourself a woman who will truly love you for the man that you are!*


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When a person shows you who they really are believe them. She was already banging him when she started acting weird and started cutting you back. This has been going on a long time.

Read a few threads here. Cheaters always act the same with a few variables. It’s like they all follow the same script.

Luckily you’re in Texas and they aren’t as kind to cheaters as most states. What property do you own together? If you own your own home move back in an tell her to leave. You can’t force her but be calm and collected and tell her you have no desire to be around a cheating *****. Tell her parents now.

Find out if he is married and tell his wife or girlfriend.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Why stay?
Why allow her to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids
2) Doctor - get STD/STI test
3) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
4) Eat.
5) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
6) drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
7) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
8) Start to separate funds
9) 180 like your life depended on it.
10) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her
11) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark. 
12) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end,
let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse,
and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with,
wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

And for your last point,
The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Give her what she wants. File for divorce and make sure she is served at work. Should make for some interesting convo around the water cooler. Then, let her coworkers know. Reality might wake her up.


*I don’t think that the reality will wake her up at all! She’ll welcome that subpoena server into her office like he was Santa Claus bearing a toy that she greatly desires to have!

Let her have it! 

Get yourself a good “piranha” family attorney to handle this matter for you, more especially the financial side of things! *


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

As others have said and will say, "separate time off to clear her head" means she wants to keep seeing the new man in her life. She wants you to stick around as her plan B in case that doesn't work out. If it works out she'll be the one to file for divorce. If it doesn't, she'll come back wanting marriage counseling. This is all true, I promise you. What you have to do is decide if you go along with this plan or if you make your own plans. Personally I'd advise you to make your own plans. I'd also like to add that you seem like way too nice of a guy and too submissive of a husband. In my experience with hundreds of divorces I'll say that men like you, although you're a very nice man, get cheated on A LOT and treated like crap by their wives. I promise you that her AP is much more "macho". A "strong" man that is taking a lead dominant role in her life. If you want to save the marriage then you have to be an even stronger man than him. More dominant. Nice guys finish last on pretty much everything in life. The world shouldn't work that way but it does and we all have to survive in that environment.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

his1983,
Firstly, I am very sorry that you are in this situation. Know this beyond any doubt - there will come a time when you will look back and know that not only did you recover from this, but your life is better and more fulfilling than it ever was.

Secondly, this is not your fault. Your wife's decisions and behaviour have not come from any lack in you, they have come from a lack in her. For me, a big part of marriage has been the gradual realisation that my husband is not the person that I first thought he was. Some of that realisation has been positive and some of it has been negative. But being able to see your spouse for who they really are is incredibly empowering. And your wife has shown herself to lack character and integrity. She has shown blatant disrespect for you - even during marriage counselling, when she allowed you to humiliate yourself investing in a marriage that she no longer had any interest in saving. In truth, your wife has shown that she is not worthy of you. 



TDSC60 said:


> She has fallen in love with another man. He is now her focus and has been for sometime now - from what you wrote. And don't think for a minute that they have not had sex and most likely still are. Time to "think and clear her head" is cheater speak for getting you out of the way so she can spend more time with him.


Yes, except that I don't think that she has fallen in love with this other man. She's fallen in love with how he makes her feel. Which is as shallow and one-dimensional as it sounds. And like a toddler hooked on candyfloss, she doesn't care about consequences or who she is showing herself to be. This "love" isn't about genuine commitment and caring, it's about lust, the ego hit and a hormonal high. In a year or two, once the dust has settled, she may very well think "What the hell have I done?". And if there is any justice in the world, it will be because her new partner has chased off after some new shiny toy. 

1983, here's the thing - this woman has been a part of your life pretty much since you were able to have a real romantic relationship. Most people choose their spouses having dabbled at least a little in the Great Relationship Pond. But you have no idea what a relationship with another adult person can be like, which is why you are clinging to this one (that you don't actually have anymore). Try to step away and look at things objectively. There is no way that we can force another person to love us. We can show them who we really are, we can let them close and we can share our love for them. That's it. Bending over in all directions to try and make them see us differently will ultimately just cause us pain and humiliation. For her own reasons, as shallow and stupid as they may obviously be to outsiders, your wife has chosen another man over you. This mean that she can no longer be your wife. Her reasons will never make sense to you, so don't waste your time trying to understand the why of this. You cannot avoid this pain now, but you can prevent yourself more future pain by letting her go. As quickly and smoothly as you can. 


Finally - @donny64. Enough with the "chick" speak. I'd like to be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with you here, but you need to take your elbow out of my ribs.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

No kids? Exit stage left. Sorry sir. There is better out there. Trust me on this. 

We are here if you need us. We give a damn.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

My god OP, you're still hesitating and hopeful? What kind of a man are you? The one that likes sloppy seconds? As a man from the very first instant you found out about her cheating your reaction should have been I don't care about the who, when, how and why, but that she did. Marriage over. At that instant you should have dropped the divorce papers, That's what a man do, no the wimpy, pick me and I'll forgive you chasing of you own tail in a daze dance; That's for losers, weak men that lack self respect and are so afraid to lose their woman.

Get the fog out your head and be decisive with lowering the hammer on your cheating wife. Remember the more you try to win her over the more pathetic and less of a man you look in her eyes. Women like strong, confident men.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I think n Texas you can list adultery on the divorce papers and list his name too. He needs to be exposed to his firm in any event. I would walk into their office and demand to see a partner. Especially with all the abuse flying around on the news today. 
No guts, no glory!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

his1983 said:


> Things started to get rocky when within the first year she was coming home at midnight to 1am about 2 to 3 days of the week. It seemed really strange that someone would need to work that late but I thought maybe that’s the job of an attorney.


Annnnnnd this is the point when she started ****ing the dude behind your back....

She's completely checked out because she's been a PA for a VERY long time. 

She won't ever love you again. She will forever pine for **** that's not yours.

Have some self respect while you still can. Divorce her with a shred of dignity intact.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

I appreciate all the responses and thoughts.

I wanted to offer some additional information and in no way am I trying to defend her. I'm a logical person and I was try to find reasons behind the why. 

After finding the phone she was using to continue talking to him she justified the need to talk to him because he was her bestfriend and the only person she can talk to about the "incident". She said she went to the lengths of hiding the phone because she "didn't want to hear me blow up". She said she was trying "to have some peace in her life and can't deal with me blowing up." Before me finding out and while were going to marriage therapy, she was claiming she was close to having a mental breakdown and since all of this her blood pressure is out of control and has been seeing a doctor. There was one time when I was venting to her about how frustrated and angry I am and she told me to stop because she can't deal with this especially with how her health it. She said time and time again in texts to me after all this that she knows she's unhappy but doesn't understand why. She continues to say that I need to understand that they were best friends and she had no one to talk to about what's been going on. Also, FWIW, this guy is married and has 3 kids so I don't know what she was even trying to get out of him. I think they shared the same interests and it was an emotional thing that became a little physical one night. She said it was a mistake and that they drank a little but you just don't make out with a guy and do all that out of nowhere. According to her they just messed around and they've never ever had sex. 

As I said, I'm a logical person and nothing of what is going on makes sense. The only simple explanation I have, and what others have said too, is that she no longer has the same feelings for me she had before. I feel like she invested alot of emotions and feelings towards this guy and started liking it. When I was at home nagging her about how I wanted her to be more warm to me and spend more time with me she probably had nothing in her left for me and was probably just annoyed. She admitted she had a crush on the guy so I don't understand why she continues to say they were just bestfriends and she felt the need to continue talking to him. Is our marriage just not important? Nor my feelings? The betrayal I just went through and you do it again by hiding another phone? 

I've never felt this many different types of emotions. I think it's close to end, it's hard to believe that it's come to end this way after several years together. I loved her so much and could never imagine myself with any other woman. I just wish she would've told me she wanted a divorce before she did all this. I now question EVERYTHING in the past year and a half and alot things make sense.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

his1983 said:


> I'm a logical person and I was try to find reasons behind the why.


I don't think you're a dummy but you're clearly acting naive and frankly, she's playing you hard for a fool.



his1983 said:


> Also, FWIW, this guy is married and has 3 kids so I don't know what she was even trying to get out of him.


Look, she wants "TIME TO CLEAR HER HEAD" so she can determine if married guy will dump his wife for her. 

It's pretty damn obvious. What's worse is he probably won't because why would he? He's only using her for sex.

So she will come crawling back and beg you for another chance. Despite the fact she was about to dump your ass.

YOU ARE PLAN B. What do you do for a living? Do you earn less? She has absolutely NO respect for you or your feelings.

And why should she? If you're willing to take her back after this then in her mind you're desperate and pathetic.

She'd respect you more if you dumped her. Time to earn her respect. STOP BEING A **** AND A FOOL. FILE. TODAY.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

sandcastle said:


> Uh- this is classic CHEATER SPEAK.
> 
> As in MALE and FEMALE CHEATER SPEAK.





> Finally - @donny64. Enough with the "chick" speak. I'd like to be able to stand shoulder to shoulder with you here, but you need to take your elbow out of my ribs.


Wasn't meant to be derogatory to women in general, but at OP's woman's nonsense to be sure.

It has just been my experience that women -much more so than men - will try to "soften the blow" so to speak, with the "I need some time to think" nonsense. Guys seem more inclined to just say "FU" at that point, blow things up, storm out mad, and use that as an excuse for time away. It's just not a thing I hear guys (as in almost never) say.

I've not ever said it myself. But have heard it a few times. And the meaning behind that was just as I said. Not good.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

his1983 said:


> One night I found an exchange between her and the same male co-worker. The exchange basically involved a “I love you” and *how much the guy co-worker orgasmed. *


This pretty much negates the "we never had sex" line and proves she's a liar as well as a cheat. 
Get a pitbull attorney (because she will have one) and give her the boot.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

This is just plain bad for you.

Like it was mentioned, you have no kids to worry about so move on with your life.

It does not seem like your wife is sorry at all.

Move on and take back control of your life.

Good luck.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

Rubix Cubed said:


> This pretty much negates the "we never had sex" line and proves she's a liar as well as a cheat.
> Get a pitbull attorney (because she will have one) and give her the boot.


She said she gave him a handjob over his pants. And that he touched her vagina over her pants. I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

his1983 said:


> According to her they just messed around and they've never ever had sex.


Laughable.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Stop feeding into and buying into her nonsense. All of her crap above is utter crap.



> she justified the need to talk to him because he was her bestfriend and the only person she can talk to about the "incident".


The moment she started banging the guy, they were no longer "best friends". They were affair partners. She can twist things all she wants, but she lost the rights to any male "best friend" when she started an affair with him.



> She said she went to the lengths of hiding the phone because she "didn't want to hear me blow up". She said she was trying "to have some peace in her life and can't deal with me blowing up."


So, rather than just stop what she was doing after being given a second chance, she decided she just needed to hide things better so you wouldn't blow up.



> Before me finding out and while were going to marriage therapy, she was claiming she was close to having a mental breakdown and since all of this her blood pressure is out of control and has been seeing a doctor. There was one time when I was venting to her about how frustrated and angry I am and she told me to stop because she can't deal with this especially with how her health it. She said time and time again in texts to me after all this that she knows she's unhappy but doesn't understand why.


Boo freakin' hoo. Poor girl. Banging side piece who is not leaving his family and only wants a piece of azz, and doing all the hard work of trying to convince side piece to leave his family, while at the same time having to put in "work" at home to keep hubby off her azz, created just too much stress for the poor little thing. 



> She continues to say that I need to understand that they were best friends and she had no one to talk to about what's been going on.


You don't need to "understand" but one thing. She banged her "best friend". Any rights she had to talk to / confide / seek advice from him ended the moment she crossed the line from platonic to emotional and physical affair.



> According to her they just messed around and they've never ever had sex.


And yet this talk of "how much he orgasmed". Yeah, I'm sure a rubbing through his dockers produced a great number of orgasms.

Listen man, you've got more than enough to walk away. Ordinarily I'd say VAR and or polygraph her azz, but you've got more than enough to know she has been in a physical affair for a long time, and she has zero intent of stopping it. You don't need anymore evidence. Just cut this one loose.



> She said they had talked about it and realized it was a mistake.


That may be true. But neither one of them stopped it there. This "mistake" has been repeated time, and time, and time again. "This is a mistake. Oh, don't stop, that feels so good". "We shouldn't be doing this. Here, bend over this desk". "This is just wrong, hubby is in the other room. I feel so bad about this. Give me a quick kiss".

This goes much deeper and has been much more physical for far longer than you are allowing yourself to acknowledge right now.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

his1983 said:


> I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


LOL even you, at least subconsciously, realize how ****ing stupid her lie is.

Look the next time you THINK about taking her back I want you to close your eyes.

Picture her on her knees, tits out, with a mouthful of his ****, sucking that **** bone dry.

Telling him how good that cum tastes and how she wants him next to bend her over and rail her.

THAT is what's going on behind your back. She will submit to him, ANYWAY HE WANTS IT, to get him off. 

She is giving him pornstar sex to keep him satisfied in the hopes of dumping you and running off with him.

You shouldn't be "hoping" she comes back to you... you should be disgusted at even thinking of taking her back.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

his1983 said:


> She said she gave him a handjob over his pants. And that he touched her vagina over her pants. I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


You wonder because that story is complete crap and you know it. Adults don't do handjobs over pants like they're 13 year old's in mom's basement.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

his1983 said:


> I've never felt this many different types of emotions. I think it's close to end, it's hard to believe that it's come to end this way after several years together. I loved her so much and could never imagine myself with any other woman. I just wish she would've told me she wanted a divorce before she did all this. I now question EVERYTHING in the past year and a half and alot things make sense.


She's been using "womanese" (look it up) to keep you off balance for a long time. Here's the thing many men get backward. The think, "my wife/girlfriend has found another man and lost interest in me". The reality is, "my wife/girlfriend lost interest in me and then found another man". From the way you describe it, she put you low on her list of priorities long ago and the sooner you're gone the better she'll like it. My take is she's waiting for you to pull the plug.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

his1983 said:


> She said she gave him a handjob over his pants. And that he touched her vagina over her pants. I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


You do realize how silly and so highly improbable this is, right? And does not match up with "how much he orgasmed" statement. What, she was able to see through his pants how much ejaculate he had? Or is he just a freak of nature and was able to orgasm multiple times via a "through the pants" handjob?

That statement "how much he orgasmed" means only one of two things....number of orgasms or quantity of ejaculate. Seeing how no male over the age of 16 would be able to orgasm multiple times via an outside the pants rub job, that means quantity of ejaculate. Which she knew exactly how if it was hidden under clothing?

Remember cheater "confessions":

We are just friends = at least EA.

We just held hands = we made out like monkeys

We just kissed = blowjob

It was just a handjob / blowjob = He banged me like his life depended on it.

If you ever get to the truth, you are going to find out it is SO MUCH MORE than what she has to date admitted to. But again, not sure you should even bother. This is a long term physical affair which she is refusing to break off. Left you sitting at home eating dinners alone while she was in the office or in a car somewhere blowing him like HER life depended on it. And the last time YOU got a bj or a handjob was when exactly?

If you care to get to the real truth, dig much deeper. If you don't and are just done, then be decisive and walk away quickly. But what you should not do is take what she is currently saying / admitting to and using that as the basis for your decision of possible reconciliation because "it wasn't that bad, she just gave him a through the dockers handi". Because it was much more than that my friend, and continues to be so. If you are not okay with your wife giving bj's (minimum) to other guys, and having wild monkey sex in the back seats of cars with other guys, you'd better dig a lot deeper before making any decisions. But prepare yourself now. This is much worse than she is letting on.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Hello, @his1983

Too bad about the reason you have to come here. Yet it's can be of some help to talk. 

I assure you, your wife's fantasy will all come to an end, once his wife finds out and then he calculates how much splitting half his assets, alimony payments, and child support is worth as compared to a tryst with your wife. Not to mention the social embarrassment. 

I also agree with the others 'why would you long to be with someone who doesn't want you'? Looking for a reason? You should chew on that for a bit...

No More Mr. Nice Guy

"I'm a Nice Guy, the nicest guy you'd ever want to meet. Why doesn't she want me?"

Do you have a trusted friend or family member to talk to? Are you taking care of yourself eating, sleeping, exercising? Make sure you do that!

Best


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Young, no kids? Time to let her go and chase her unicorns and rainbows. You deserve better. If it was me, hell, I would expose her affair to her parents, your parents, and POSOM's wife, and move on and live a good life. Life is too short to put up with her ****.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

his1983 said:


> I appreciate all the responses and thoughts.
> 
> I wanted to offer some additional information and in no way am I trying to defend her. I'm a logical person and I was try to find reasons behind the why.
> 
> ...


Get out of denial and file for divorce. She's a serial cheater and will never stop or you live with this constantly in your life.

She cheats on you so you jump up and leave your home?

Huge mistake.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

find out this guys name and expose it to his family. don't take any more crap from her she is a liar anything she says now is a lie.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Your marriage is toast. She toasted it. Don't let her blame you, her cheating is all on her. As others have noted very clearly her idea of a separation is to keep seeing him and stringing you along as plan b. Just file for divorce and expose the affair at her workplace. Have her served there by the process server. 

Don't let her string you along as plan B.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you hang around the forum for a while, you'll see your story is, unfortunately, not all that unique. The recommendations to split up are based on seeing this play out time and time again. Even in the best cases, the path towards recovery is long, complicated, and uncertain to have a conclusion. You may just end up slogging through the mud and never get out.

One huge obstacle in your situation is that she is not remorseful. She's shifting the blame everywhere except herself. The chance for success is 0% with that mindset. She'll justify the affair by saying you basically gave her no choice. And that's what she say for every affair she has in the future. Before you even begin recovery, you first have the monumental task of getting her to take personal responsibility for the affair. Good luck with that! 

It's evident you love her and don't want to lose what you have. It's hard to hear that you should divorce. Sometimes we have to learn lessons ourselves to really trust the decisions we make. If you decide to try to recover, be realistic about the state of the relationship and recovery. It's fine to try to fix things, but realize when it's not going to be successful and get out.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Lostinthought61 said:


> find out this guys name and expose it to his family. don't take any more crap from her she is a liar anything she says now is a lie.


Scorched earth. Expose like a madman. You will feel great once you do. It is a very cathartic experience


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

First off, I am so sorry this happened to you. I know you are in so much pain. And I am so sorry for that. 

Second, she had sex with him. For you to believe otherwise would be very naive and foolish. 

Third, I find it very laughable that she "couldn't deal" with you blowing up if you found out, thus her hiding the 2nd phone. Of course you're going to blow up, she's spreading her legs for another man! How does she expect for you to deal with it? That, in and of itself, shows how selfish she really is. She wasn't concerned about you. She was concerned about the fact that she "couldn't deal"with it. 

And, lastly, move back into that house today and kick her ass out. Expose expose expose. The other man is married. You need to tell his wife immediately. Have her served with divorce papers at work.

Has she even apologized?

ETA: get tested for STDs and don't hide it from her. Get a lawyer pronto. Strike hard and fast. The cards are already stacked against you since she is a lawyer and of course, has lawyer friends. Get a pitbull for a lawyer.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Have you spoken with her boyfriend’s wife?


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

As one poster advised, have her served at work. Expose to her supervisor. Do not be timid be BOLD. Times like this require tenacity,determination, and swift action to deliver the consequences. One thing that frosts my buns is to see a man not stand up for himself. If you do not stand up for yourself and take action who will. Have you thought about contacting POSOM and let him know she is all his? Send her sorry cheating ass packing.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

notmyrealname4 said:


> @his1983
> Which sister-in-law, your wife's sister? Or the sister of your brother? What does this sister-in-law think of the whole affair?


Her sister. She's shocked. I know she wishes we could make it work since she's seen our relationship since it's inception (she's 33). I know she realizes it is what it is and understands it's all up to me.



eric1 said:


> Have you spoken with her boyfriend’s wife?


No I haven't. Primarily because I worry about his wife and how distraught she would be especially having 3 kids.



lucy999 said:


> Has she even apologized?


Not the apology I wanted. She never seemed remorseful or extremely apologetic. If I were her I would be super apologetic realizing that I might have put our 17 year old relationship/marriage at jeopardy. That's the thing that bugs me the most about all of this. I feel like my marriage was my prized possession, especially considering how much years I had invested in it. It's saddens me to think that after that many years I have nothing to show for. The past 3 years I thought it might have been the job so I was applying to jobs for her while she worked late hoping she could get a job that isn't 60 miles away and not so stressful so that we could see each other more. She never seemed motivated or driven herself to find another job to improve her quality life and mine. But just looking back it maybe it was a good escape to be 60 miles away from where we live and easier to do what ever she wants. Sadly, I don't think she was ready to commit to the married life.

By the way, I really appreciate everyones replies and comments.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Let her go. You deserve far better. I would encourage you as I have others Larry Winget's "Grow A Pair". It is a very good book about taking no **** and establishing boundaries. It would be good to read once you finish No More Mister Nice Guy. 

Exposure! You are worried about upsetting his wife. Hell, he was not worried about upsetting you was he. Hell no he wasn't. You need to retaliate in kind for two reasons. First she needs consequences, and secondly he needs to reap what he as sown. 

I would not worry about his family. Not your problem as you are innocent, he is not. His wife needs to know.


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## stillthinking (Jun 1, 2016)

> She said she gave him a handjob over his pants. And that he touched her vagina over her pants. I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


Let me translate that from cheating woman into plain english....

"I have been doing oral to anal and everything in between with him"

Time to fly my friend.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

She's had sex with him and likely did kinkier things that she hesitated to do with you. You should inform his wife because 1) she has a right to know who she's married to, 2) you'll get some sense of justice in seeing your wife's hurt when he chooses his family over her. 

When he rejects her, she might come crawling back to you full of apologies. You represent a safety blanket for her and she might need to use you for a while to regain her confidence and continue her cheating ways. Don't fall for it. Instead, use her regret as a way to negotiate a more favorable divorce settlement. Then go on and find a decent woman. There are plenty of them out there and it will not be hard at your age.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

83

The OM's wife is not your concern when it comes to being distraught. It's her job to cope and execute her plans as she wishes. With that in mind here is what I would do if in your shoes.

Go back home, tell your wife to go get ****ed some more by OM. 

Call the best attorney in your area, file for divorce.

When you file list adultery as the reason along with OM's name. 

Call the OM's wife, tell her.

Have your wife served either in court DURING a case or at her work. 

Schedule a polygraph, take your wife there and tell her as you are walking in. 

Call her employer, tell her that both attorneys are cheating and married. With any luck, one or both will be fired. 

Contact the association for lawyers in Texas. This is a big no-no for lawyers to cheat. Gather proof to send to them. 


Whatever you do, do not tell her what you are doing, let reality smack her face harshly. Best of luck to you.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

You have to get a hold of yourself. You are sitting around waiting for a miracle, for her to see the error her ways and come back to you, her nice little spouse waiting faithfully at home. This marriage is DEAD. GONE. KAPUT. FINITO. OVER. She is his now. And you have been offered excellent advice on this forum and.........you won't even do the most basic thing you could do, which is expose this to his wife, or anybody else. I thought Texans were made of a little stronger stuff. Where is the spirit of the Alamo? Your wife is attracted to strength, BE STRONG! She is attracted to masculinity, BE MASCULINE!! She is attracted to courage, BE COURAGEOUS!!! Tex, you have to find your cajones. All they are doing is laughing at you. Come on now, THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU!


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

VermiciousKnid said:


> In my experience with hundreds of divorces I'll say that men like you, although you're a very nice man, get cheated on A LOT and treated like crap by their wives. I promise you that her AP is much more "macho". A "strong" man that is taking a lead dominant role in her life. If you want to save the marriage then you have to be an even stronger man than him. More dominant. Nice guys finish last on pretty much everything in life. The world shouldn't work that way but it does and we all have to survive in that environment.


I agree that the OP is too nice. Women respect men who are strong and don't put up with BS. Men are the same way by the way. There is no romantic tension when one of the partners is a pushover. 

I know a lot of NICE guys who have great wives that love them and are faithful to them. But 1) those men are not weak, and 2) their wives are also nice people. Cheaters are NOT nice. They are destructive, self-centered, and entitled. So the problem is more about the spouse who is NOT nice than it is about to the spouse who is nice. Still, the OP needs to man up.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

You need to talk to his wife if you’re interested in having their affair stop. Period.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Tatsuhiko said:


> She's had sex with him and likely did kinkier things that she hesitated to do with you. You should inform his wife because 1) she has a right to know who she's married to, 2) you'll get some sense of justice in seeing your wife's hurt when he chooses his family over her.
> 
> When he rejects her, she might come crawling back to you full of apologies. You represent a safety blanket for her and she might need to use you for a while to regain her confidence and continue her cheating ways. Don't fall for it. Instead, use her regret as a way to negotiate a more favorable divorce settlement. Then go on and find a decent woman. There are plenty of them out there and it will not be hard at your age.


This is excellent advice.
You won't take it. You'll wallow in self pity. Don't. Please.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

drifting on said:


> 83
> 
> The OM's wife is not your concern when it comes to being distraught. It's her job to cope and execute her plans as she wishes. With that in mind here is what I would do if in your shoes.
> 
> ...


Great advice, except: talk to the best lawyer you can find before exposing. He may want to use the affair info as leverage.

But--- you have shown a history of extreme weakness... letting another man come around you and your wife??? Crazy.
Believing anything she says after seeing an I love you and I had lots of orgasms text? Crazy.
Thinking they didn't **** like bunnies? Crazy.

You have got to accept that you don't have any option other than divorce and move on, if happiness is your goal. Brother, your wife divorced you in her mind a LONG time ago.

Stop seeing her as she used to be, and see her as she is now. A totally different person.
A person that abuses you. Shames you. Brings you to ruin.
Do not allow yourself to live a person like this. It only brings pain.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You really, really need to move back into the house and have your wife live with her sister. Before any ugly accusations get hurled at you. As in 'he left me and is living with my SISTER!'.

Your wife is still all about your wife. She doesn't want to deal with her behavior so she has health problems. Time to move on. Time to find your angry.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

his1983 said:


> No I haven't. Primarily because I worry about his wife and how distraught she would be especially having 3 kids.


He damaged his marriage, not you. So why would you be complicit in their deception and keep his wife from choosing her own path in life? Because she would be upset? Doesn't she have that right to be upset? Your need to be the nice guy and KISA is letting others walk all over you and that poor woman. 

You leave your own house too! What nonsense! You didn't leave the M, she did! She should be sleeping on her sister's couch, not you! 

You, my man, are afraid to rock the boat. You are also a dreamer. You put your W a pedestal and didn't consider that she could be like anyone else and ever stray. That's why you are here today.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

From reading your post a quote entered my mind " a faint heart never won a fair maiden". You seemed paralyzed by fear. Fear not.
Listen to the advice you have been provided. If you want any hope of blowing up the affair, it has to be a surprise attack. Drifting On has provided a pretty good battle plan.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

his1983 said:


> No I haven't. Primarily because I worry about his wife and how distraught she would be especially having 3 kids.
> 
> .


Don't you think that she deserves to know what a POS her husband is?

Also, he's a cheater. Do you really think he's loyal to your cheating wife? Who knows what he's exposing his wife and your cheating wife to.

Call her up and tell her. Don't let your wife know that you are doing this


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

83

Decisive action needs to be taken, go out and investigate the five best lawyers for divorce near you. This way your wife can't use them for a conflict of interest. You can also give each lawyer a hundred dollars and will get back to them about being your counsel. You may find this could be the best five hundred dollars you ever spent. 

Talk to Lonely Husband, he's a marine, and he can show you how marines react to a war. That's what you're in, a war, you didn't start it, but you damn well will win it. Get mad, mad but controlled and start leveling your sights on the targets in front of you. You have way more power then you think, want to know, ask your wife what would happen if her actions were suddenly placed on Facebook. You don't do it, but watch how pale she will get, she's banking on your weakness that the affair will never see the light of day. This will clear her mind to want she wants.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Not only do you need a pit bull lawyer you need to start acting like a pit bull. Talk to a lawyer about this and also about sexual harassment. I’m guessing he is her superior. Talk to the state bar. Talk to his wife. If your wife doesn’t see you fighting for her like a junk yard dog just forget the marriage. He won’t be the only lawyer we have seen here get the ax because he effed one of our posters wives. We have even seen senior partners dumped by their law firms!

Know this though if you decide to take her back and you both work at it very hard it will take three to five years for you to get over it. 

Why on earth haven’t you moved closer to her work? How much do you make compared to her?

It sounds like he is probably senior to her and this is sexual harassment even if she has gone along with it. TALK TO A LAWYER


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

If you want to know what a person really wants to do, watch what they're doing now!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Ditto on all the advice and observations. 83, you're getting consistently the same message from a group which almost never is in agreement.



skerzoid said:


> You have to get a hold of yourself. You are sitting around waiting for a miracle, for her to see the error her ways and come back to you, her nice little spouse waiting faithfully at home. This marriage is DEAD. GONE. KAPUT. FINITO. OVER.


I think this quote is especially important. You need to stop seeing her as she used to be. Have you ever seen a picture of one of your elderly relatives when they were young? Crazy, huh? You know them as the old retired person. Bald or white haired, physically slowed down, old fashioned ideas. That vibrant young adult or teen in the photo doesn't compute very well in your mind as being the same person. You're in the same kind of situation with your W. At one point she was the woman you thought she was. Your marriage was great. That was real. But, today is real, too, and all those things she was and your marriage was are no longer true.

This is what you need to first come to grips with. That wonderful young woman you fell in love with and married has changed. That woman no longer exists. Your marriage as you knew it no longer exists. Neither she nor the marriage will ever return to anything near what they used to be.

She will never "see the light". I wish it were otherwise, because I do value marriage.

You seem like a bit of a Nice Guy. Something to consider is that she is not going to respond to kindness with good behavior. You can't Nice her back into the marriage. And she has no intention of returning to the way things used to be.

At this point I think you should take advantage of the timing to get a quick D. She has obviously closed her heart to you, but she is infatuated with OM. She will not fight D now nearly as much as she will in the future when OM drops her and she needs a (temporary) safe landing zone.

I would consult with a good atty ASAP. Like today if you can. Get your ducks in a row. Get the process moving immediately. I would not expose her or OM to work or their professional organizations until there is no downside to you. Your lawyer needs to advise you on the risks to you and to the divorce proceedings if you do something which can look like you're trying to get them fired or otherwise harm them.

Exposing to OM's W is to get the affair killed. It makes it difficult to continue the affair, plus he may drop your W to try to save his own family. However, if your goal is to get divorced then exposure to OM's W can wait. Your first obligation is to yourself to get as good and smooth a D as possible. If exposure could harm that, you could wait to expose. But I still like exposure at the first good opportunity. I like naming OM in the D filing if you have adequate proof per your lawyer's advice.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

drifting on said:


> 83
> 
> You have way more power then you think, want to know, ask your wife what would happen if her actions were suddenly placed on Facebook.
> 
> You don't do it, but watch how pale she will get, she's banking on your weakness that the affair will never see the light of day. This will clear her mind to want she wants.


Hell I exposed on Facebook. I did not tell her I was, and only left it up for a day as my son asked me to delete it. That is a controlled mad. I knew her reputation was extremely important to her. I emailed all of my close friends and extended family. Went to visit her siblings, my siblings, and my parents. I made it ugly.

You can’t nice back a cheating wife if you want to try r.

If I were in your shoes I would first decide what my objective is be it R or D. That will determine your battle plan. 

Have her served In the most public fashion, and name POSOM.

Once you know she has been served, expose via an email blast to parents, family, and friends. 

Change your marital status if you are on Facebook, and simply post something along what I did:

“My wife xxxxxx and xxxxx who she works with have been having an affair. Caught them last night red handed. Looking forward to moving on with my life as a single man. If you see xxxxx tell her “Goober says hey”, and you two deserve each other.”.....talk about stirring up ****.

I also took our 200 year old marital bed which came over with my moms family from Germany to my farm and burned it. I videoed it on my phone while I sung George Straits “just give it away”.

She was shocked beyond belief. I got scarce for almost six weeks.

Time such as this require extremely bold actions.

My point is I am approaching two years of R. Had I not done what I did, it would have been divorce.

You need to listen to those on her who have gone through what you have. I am all for R, but from what you post your wife is a piece of work. She sees you as weak, passive, and plan b.

Step up to the plate sir.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

83

This may all seem harsh and cruel to do, and maybe it is. But I want you to think of one simple thing, it's also the most important and why I feel reconciliation is not possible with this woman. Where do you sleep at night? Where does your wife sleep at night? Where does your wife work? Where does OM sleep? Where does OM work? 
Any ideas what I'm getting at here?

Your life is disrupted. Your home is now changed. Your the one destroyed. Your the one to continue to pay for the home. Your the one who has to wait for her head to clear. You have been nagging. You have been the only one to have to change. How many you's did you count? Your wife has made the entire affair about YOU!! 

So now you have all these people you've never met telling you to run like an Olympian. Most of us have had to take these drastic actions, and I'm pretty sure we all would agree to have not gone through any of it. But we did, some stories are sad some you see the poster come back in a better place.

My opinion of your situation, your wife replaced you with OM. OM is new, exciting, no stress or pressure of a marriage. However she knows she's in the wrong, that's why she kept it from you. But to then have you leave, still work with OM, and not apologize, she is giving herself to OM. Not just sexually, but in OM has replaced you. She's not confused, she's trying to decide how best to walk with everything as you just do what she says. Get mad OP, controlled but mad and go scorched earth after you meet a lawyer.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

Advice taken from everyone and again I appreciate everyone's responses. I know it would come to this and I agree, this is the end, I will have to push to get a divorce. Just pissed that she threw it all away and all that was invested. 

I learned one thing from this experience: Always follow your gut feeling, it's almost always right. In my case, it was right twice. Even when I attended my last individual therapy session the therapist spoke about that. I was in denial the past 2 years. I put all my trust in her and she took advantage of that.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

his1983 said:


> Advice taken from everyone and again I appreciate everyone's responses. I know it would come to this and I agree, this is the end, I will have to push to get a divorce. Just pissed that she threw it all away and all that was invested.



We're all sorry to hear this. It's always a loss no matter how it happens. But you're making the right decision.

Use this time as an opportunity to make some improvements in yourself. It will help you stay positive through what will surely be a challenging time. People have made reference to the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy". That would probably be one you'd certainly find useful.

Stick around as you go forward in this process. You'll get good advice to make sure your interests are looked after.


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## inging (Dec 11, 2016)

Hi 83
Yes. It sucks. 


It is painfully obvious that your wife is no longer your wife. She is not on your side. She sees you as a barrier to her happiness. Whatever happened in your 17 years together is null and void. Yeah, sucks
The advice here is mostly from guys who have stood in your shoes. We recognise the signs, the words and the actions. 

We also recognise that you are in a lot of pain and want it to stop for you. 
Anyway.. Here is what you need to do.

Go home. I know that sounds awful but why the hell should you be staying away. Just go home and make it uncomfortable for her. 

Separate money. Income and savings. Take 40% out of and savings and move it to another account. Don't spend it yet

Get some exercise. This gets you out of the house and will also help you with feelings of anger and depression. I did a lot of walking. Others took up boxing. You chose

Start putting away shared memories in boxes. Wedding photos etc. That is the past now . It has been for some time for her. Time for you to catch up

Limit communication . Do not confide in her. Do not ask her anything about relationship. She is no longer your friend. You know this when you look in her eyes

Don't be surprised when she gets angry or starts crying. It is not real. Her tears are for her. Not your relationship

Divorce her. You have no kids and that would be the only reason to try and reconcile.. Even is she wanted to, which she doesn't, so Divorce. That is the easiest way for both of you. Just say goodbye


Really sorry man.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

his1983 said:


> Advice taken from everyone and again I appreciate everyone's responses. I know it would come to this and I agree, this is the end, I will have to push to get a divorce. Just pissed that she threw it all away and all that was invested.
> 
> I learned one thing from this experience: Always follow your gut feeling, it's almost always right. In my case, it was right twice. Even when I attended my last individual therapy session the therapist spoke about that. I was in denial the past 2 years. I put all my trust in her and she took advantage of that.


At this point you also have to contact his wife. Do not be part of their conspiracy against his wife. Your wife can be his mistress if she wants to. But tell his wife and report him to the Texas bar. Let them deal with him. He is just another ambulance chaser that has no morals. A man without character should not be representing anyone in legal matters. 
I would also suggest you tell your wife to apologize to his wife and kids. She won’t but the point is to let her know what you think of mistresses, kept women and hookers.


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## colingrant (Nov 6, 2017)

She's in control. The only way you will get in control of your own life is to no contact her 24/7 and have her served. This is very hard, but it's best for you, even though you will fell terrible for a while, but it will get better each day. You will begin respecting yourself more and regain some dignity. Right now she has your dignity in her purse carrying it around carelessly. Get it back by simply removing yourself from her life. You do this not to necessarily get her back (this normally happens) but to move forward with your own life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

his1983 said:


> I put all my trust in her and she took advantage of that.


Of course she did because she KNEW, in your eyes, she was your best friend and soul mate.

So she used that to her advantage. She PLAYED you and that is what makes her a POS.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

his1983 said:


> She said she gave him a handjob over his pants. And that he touched her vagina over her pants. I wondered how he could cum with a handjob over his pants.


You know they had sex, right?

This is total BS about thru clothing. 

Also send the POSOM’s wife a copy of the text messages.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The only chance you had was exposire but by your actions you became their coconspirator.

By helping hide their affair you only enabled it.

Hard to say what his poor wife is going through. Probably the same thing and you could have spared her from dealing with the unknown.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

_*I thought my thread deserved an update in case someone is ever in a similar situation.*_

You guys were all right about her having a full blown sexual relationship with the guy. I continued to try to make it work even after finding her burner phone. Alot has happened since then. I ended up figuring out her passcode to her phone which ended up being the guys birthdate. Found out she had an IUD and never told me about it. Continued texting him while he used a different phone number. Found her hanging out with him a bar with other friends when she was not supposed to be even seeing him. And the craziest of all, the guy ends up being a psycho and they end up fighting because the guy found an inappropriate text conversation on her phone with another guy. The audacity! I won't waste my time on that story but just know that I was happy to be out of all of it.

In March I finally filed for divorce and told her beforehand in person that I would file. I walked out of the house and left. For a week she never called or text begging me not to file. So I filed.

Wednesday of last week (June 27th) the judge granted me the divorce and everything has been finalized.

I wish I would've listened to you guys back in December and not have prolonged this hell further but I think I was in denial and also didn't want to have any regrets that I didn't try hard enough.

I've learned alot from this experience and hopefully others reading this situation will too: Never let your guard down, if you feel something isn't right do something about it early (i.e. put a stop to it). Also, people change, apparently the woman I fell in love in high school was completely different then the one from the past 3 years.

After 18 years it's now time to enjoy the single life!


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

syseng1983 said:


> _*I thought my thread deserved an update in case someone is ever in a similar situation.*_
> 
> You guys were all right about her having a full blown sexual relationship with the guy. I continued to try to make it work even after finding her burner phone. Alot has happened since then. I ended up figuring out her passcode to her phone which ended up being the guys birthdate. Found out she had an IUD and never told me about it. Continued texting him while he used a different phone number. Found her hanging out with him a bar with other friends when she was not supposed to be even seeing him. And the craziest of all, the guy ends up being a psycho and they end up fighting because the guy found an inappropriate text conversation on her phone with another guy. The audacity! I won't waste my time on that story but just know that I was happy to be out of all of it.
> 
> ...


My guess is no remorse even still? My 14 year marriage and 18 year relationship comes to an end (formally) on Monday.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Of course no remorse! You just were snatched by hypergamy. She is a lawyer in big firm. She works long distance away from ExH. OM was high influence as well. 

But you know this now, and you did have good times before it went to pot. So take them and leave the rest. Build your life to what makes YOU happy. And you will find someone who respects you and loves you unconditionally. That will make your victory ever so sweeter. Good luck.


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## syseng1983 (Nov 30, 2017)

stillfightingforus said:


> My guess is no remorse even still? My 14 year marriage and 18 year relationship comes to an end (formally) on Monday.


Sorry to hear you're in the same boat. There was no true genuine remorse. She did apologize recently, albeit on the phone, which was so impersonal and she was still denying certain things in her affair which only pissed me off even more. I've accepted that she's a compulsive liar and will always be one and I'll never get the closure I deserve. 

The last 2 months I've not given one **** about anything to do with her or the situation and it's been a great feeling.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

syseng1983 said:


> _*I thought my thread deserved an update in case someone is ever in a similar situation.*_
> 
> You guys were all right about her having a full blown sexual relationship with the guy. I continued to try to make it work even after finding her burner phone. Alot has happened since then. I ended up figuring out her passcode to her phone which ended up being the guys birthdate. Found out she had an IUD and never told me about it. Continued texting him while he used a different phone number. Found her hanging out with him a bar with other friends when she was not supposed to be even seeing him. And the craziest of all, the guy ends up being a psycho and they end up fighting because the guy found an inappropriate text conversation on her phone with another guy. The audacity! I won't waste my time on that story but just know that I was happy to be out of all of it.
> 
> ...


People change after high school because their brains aren't even complete till their mid twenties (some never even get to that point and stay adolescent their entire lives).
Look for a mature woman next time. Even that's a risk, but as the French say, "c'est la vie” (such is life).


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

I just reread the first post of this thread. The update should be bookmarked for how low, shamless, cruel and plain gross someone you think you know can turn into. 

OP, glad it is now behind you and you can move forward w/o that skank-witch in your life. Be happy, she is gone. Keep it that way. She reaches out with the sob story treat her like a robo call.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Seyseng and Stillfighting....
I’m sorry and congratulations


Enjoy the next chapter of your life. It will be much better, with a lot more smiles and a lot less tears


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Enjoy your next chapter in life. 

I hope that you've learned the lesson as man that women do not respect weak, passive, naive men. They want a strong, confident, dominant man that would take no **** on any type of shenanigans. From now on be that man. Just don't be an ass about it.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Be prepared for her to come crawling back begging for another chance if POSOM dumps her (which is almost guaranteed to happen after his BW finally discovers the A.....he won’t be getting D and giving up half his assets and paying child support for three kids).

My LTgf did 8 months after I threw her out......begged me to try again.

If it happens, my suggestion is to do what I did.....

Tell her to go pound sand.


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