# What I have learned the last 16 months part II



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Sorry for the multiple threads today just have more to say

I posted a thread few weeks ago about some of the things I have learned the last months while in R
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/113098-what-i-have-learned-last-16-months.html
I just thought I would add some more thoughts to this.
I am thinking it may be possible to go through life with someone you are not completely in love with, my WW and I get along very well (except for her cheating episode) the sex is great, we have 4 beautiful children and we have been together for a long time, so why not stay? Do I need to be fall over, head over heels in love to stay married? I do love her I would never want anything bad to ever happen to her (except if she cheats again then she can go rot) but I don't love her like I used to and I really don't think I ever will.
Part of me knows that I will never completely get over this no matter how many years will pass and I will never fully trust her ever, but we can coexist as a couple and we can grow old together.
Some of the older married couples I know (late 60's or so) can't stand each other but stay together for their kids and because their marriage is a habit. You do see those old couples who simply adore each other but they seem to be few and far between so why can't I do it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You can do whatever you want 

Follow the path of least resistance or redefine your life. We all have a choice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Sorry for the multiple threads today just have more to say
> 
> I posted a thread few weeks ago about some of the things I have learned the last months while in R
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/113098-what-i-have-learned-last-16-months.html
> ...


the damage done from infidelity is often permanent....even if the WS is truly remorseful - which few truly are....I do hope you find happiness for you l=p


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

love=pain said:


> Sorry for the multiple threads today just have more to say
> 
> I posted a thread few weeks ago about some of the things I have learned the last months while in R
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/113098-what-i-have-learned-last-16-months.html
> ...



Some of it was a accumulation of "infatuation" or even a feeling of a "fan"... So sometimes, you realize the person is human, you don't have brain chemicals going awry due to the optical and mental illusion, and every thing is OK.

If you love her, you may never have that feeling back. But then again you guys can make new feelings through new memories and experiences.

So if you guys love each other and work well together, you can decide whatever you want to do with it.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:
I have found the story of your marriage intriguing. But I do recall that when you listed a number of your wife's qualities (High vs low maintenance thread) she came out looking like she had a genuine peronality disorder....i.e. her cheating was just another 'symptom.'
if that's true then you can love her but she can only return to you a kind of 'articifcial' version of love. so in your scenario - staying with her - you'll never experience the real thing. of course if she's your only reference point then you wouldn't know what your missing, so maybe that's OK. But as I write this out....doesn't really sound OK does it?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP:
> I have found the story of your marriage intriguing. But I do recall that when you listed a number of your wife's qualities (High vs low maintenance thread) she came out looking like she had a genuine peronality disorder....i.e. her cheating was just another 'symptom.'
> if that's true then you can love her but she can only return to you a kind of 'articifcial' version of love. so in your scenario - staying with her - you'll never experience the real thing. of course if she's your only reference point then you wouldn't know what your missing, so maybe that's OK. But as I write this out....doesn't really sound OK does it?


You may be right can't say I have dated or been involved with another woman for a very long time and I might find "true" love with someone else and that statement said out loud doesn't sound right either. Guess just place me in limbo, mumbo jumbo, or the twilight zone where most of the lost souls seem to reside....for now


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

Not trying/wanting to bring your down.....
Tell us a little more about your kids. How old is the youngest? Boys and girls both?


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## shownjjkb (Sep 22, 2013)

You do see those old couples who simply adore each other but they seem to be few and far between so why can't I do it.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> Not trying/wanting to bring your down.....
> Tell us a little more about your kids. How old is the youngest? Boys and girls both?


My oldest is 22 youngest is 11 total of four children couple of each, why do you ask?


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

love=pain said:


> My oldest is 22 youngest is 11 total of four children couple of each, why do you ask?


Oh just because I'm starting to get it that 'staying for the kids' makes sense in some cases. Sounds like you have 7 years to go on that measure. Does your wife think you might leave once the youngest is grown? Do you think you might?


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> Oh just because I'm starting to get it that 'staying for the kids' makes sense in some cases. Sounds like you have 7 years to go on that measure. Does your wife think you might leave once the youngest is grown? Do you think you might?


So far she has never brought up that question and really if I was going to leave I would do it whenever I made that decision I wouldn't wait.
I am not worried about the money aspect it will work itself out sooner or later times might be thin for some time but I have been there before no big deal. I know I could continue to take care of the kids(financially) without too much disruption.
As for the kids mental health through a divorce I am sure they would be devastated but we are both good parents and other that her cheating the kids have always come first so I am confident we could shepherd them through it. The other thought on this is that all of my kids have so many friends whose parents are divorced I would say close to half so it is not something they are unfamiliar with.
In the very beginning I would say finances and the kids were the biggest reasons for not jumping to a quick decision but now like most things in life those things can be worked out with some hard work and patience. 
So I stay, time can be something there is never enough of but time is usually what you need to get the right direction / answers in your life.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

love=pain said:


> So far she has never brought up that question and really if I was going to leave I would do it whenever I made that decision I wouldn't wait.
> I am not worried about the money aspect it will work itself out sooner or later times might be thin for some time but I have been there before no big deal. I know I could continue to take care of the kids(financially) without too much disruption.
> As for the kids mental health through a divorce I am sure they would be devastated but we are both good parents and other that her cheating the kids have always come first so I am confident we could shepherd them through it. The other thought on this is that all of my kids have so many friends whose parents are divorced I would say close to half so it is not something they are unfamiliar with.
> In the very beginning I would say finances and the kids were the biggest reasons for not jumping to a quick decision but now like most things in life those things can be worked out with some hard work and patience.
> So I stay, time can be something there is never enough of but time is usually what you need to get the right direction / answers in your life.



so have you arrived at that "final" decision....to stay. or are you still mulling it over - stay or leave? (sorry if you've already explained this elsewhere)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

It is your decision. 

I am one who believes other than the cheating, she has been a great mom is a load of crap.

How devastating to kids is divorce? If you cheat and you get caught, then most likely you will be divorced. This will be devastating to most kids but if you are amicable it will lessen it. When a person is absolutely selfish as ALL cheaters are, they never consider who they will hurt, even their own children.

Your decision is your own. Time does help heal, but that is up to you on whether you want to work through it or not.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

nuclearnightmare said:


> so have you arrived at that "final" decision....to stay. or are you still mulling it over - stay or leave? (sorry if you've already explained this elsewhere)


As someone else on here once posted I am here until something changes my mind and then I am gone. One thing I do know is that either way I have given my best to make it work.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

love=pain said:


> As someone else on here once posted I am here until something changes my mind and then I am gone. One thing I do know is that either way I have given my best to make it work.


I can tell that you have.


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