# Feel like my marriage is falling apart



## Christoph0127 (Feb 3, 2017)

Hello everyone this is my first time posting here on the site, and unfortunately it's a negative one. I can't really get solid advice without giving y'all the full story of the last five years but I will try to sum it up the best I can. (Super short summary at the bottom with minimal explanation.)

My wife and I have been together for almost 5 1/2 years.. We just celebrated our 1st wedding anniversary in December. In the beginning of our relationship it was slow and casual for probably the first couple months, and then we began having sex. Shortly after that it seemed like I was driving all the way across town (about 50 minute drive one way) everyday just to go see her and spend time with her all day. That almost always resulted in sex--sometimes several times in a day. She was my first, however she has had several partners before me.

After about 5-6 months we moved in together due to her being in a bad financial situation which i felt we weren't quite ready for, however we did it anyway because we had very strong feelings for each other and loved one another. As the time went on it seemed like she was more and more anxious with me--every little thing I did that wasn't what she wanted came with a huge screaming and yelling fight. I understood that she did have some problems because when we first started dating she told me she was on anti-depressants--which I was okay with it didn't bother me. She also used this as an excuse for messiness (House a wreck, doesn't clean up after herself, doesn't wash her dishes, doesn't clean out her cat's pan. etc.) I'm not saying I expected her to clean up after me but I at least expected her to clean up after herself.. This was also her excuse for her having a decreased libido and not having sex with me(I can understand that). However this went on probably the last 4-5 months we were there until the last month she put her hands on me (grabbed my wrist really hard to try to keep me from walking way) and I was extremely offended by this because I come from a family where my Father was physically abusive to my Mother. During that 5-6 month time our sexual activity had decreased GREATLY.

We separated and I got an apartment with my best friend--Same situation happened she couldn't afford to live on her own so after she asked me I allowed her to stay as a "friend" because I still cared about her. This turned into us getting back together. Shortly after that what I would call the "Abuse" continued. I worked nights and I would get screamed and yelled at for sleeping during the day instead of spending that time with her and accused of "not caring". This got progressively better as she got used to it over the course of a year. A year after moving into that apartment we stayed with my family for about 8 months while I finished school. During this time sex decreased more and more and the fights still continued but with lower frequency.

We then moved into the apartment we have lived in for a year and a half now. About 8 months into living here we were married and had a honeymoon. I did feel some regrets before the wedding because of all the problems we had in the past and still had. However I went through with it anyway because I still LOVED her even though I was still bitter about things. Regardless of all the things that we have fought about we have still persevered and loved each other regardless. Essentially on our honeymoon we decided we were going to actively try to get pregnant. We went about six months before seeking professional help which resulted in finding out I'm infertile--for which I am undergoing treatment for(follow up testing is this month). However regardless of us trying she is still very messy, cluttery, doesn't pick up after herself, doesn't clean her dishes, rarely cleans the cat pan (when I continuously insinuate I'm irritated about it) we agreed because she wanted the cat she would clean up after it (most of the time, i still help sometimes).

Our sex life is almost completely non existent even with our trying to conceive. We probably have sex 1-2 times a month and that's with me making sexual innuendo's and coming on to her and just trying to be sexual in any way I can think of with her every day I'm off (maybe 3 days a week I'm on a Firefighter schedule now). I would HONESTLY say probably 90%-95% of my advances are shut down, and I just feel rejected and worthless. She continues to claim that it's all due to her anxiety/depression to which she believes she's bi-polar (which may true do to her radical mood swings--i'm still okay with that). Our fights still continue almost everyday that I'm off, and I don't mean we had a minor disagreeance I mean I did something SMALL and it resulted in her getting pissed, cussing at me, raising her voice at me, when I try to tell her my side of the story she'll often tells me to shut up, talks over me, or hangs up on me. 

EXAMPLE: This morning I brought her home breakfast after I got off work so she could take it to work we kissed and she left. She calls me from downstairs says she forgot her jacket and asks if it's on the couch. I tell her no I didn't see it laying on top of the couch (where we often throw our jackets). She hangs up on me rushes up stairs and digs the jacket out from underneath a pile of clothes. (My bad I didn't think that far I was in the middle of trying to schedule doctors appointments) Then as she walked out she said "Fing look harder next time" then walked out the door and slammed it behind her. Example 2: If I make plans to have breakfast with my BEST FRIEND/BEST MAN while she's at work whether I tell her about it or not--She will often call me and start a fight and tell me I don't care about her and I don't love her because I'd rather spend time with him than her (She's at work and I see my best friend maybe once a month for an hour or two). It literally takes almost nothing to set her off. I sometimes can't even calmly express my feelings and tell her that I'm upset about something that's happening or not happening or something she did without her telling me to stop talking! 90% of the fights result in her apologizing for them but then we'll have a similar fight the same day or a few days later!

I also work two jobs an average of 96 hours a week (4-24 hour days) because we're saving for a house. I spend EVERY day I'm off with her HAPPILY because I miss her--I spend almost no time for myself to be by myself or have a guys night, or hang out with my family. If I ever even insinuated I wanted to go do something without her--There would be HELL to pay. I have no problem with her coming along but sometimes you have to have time to yourself with your friends or family =(. What time I DO spend for myself--I play maybe two-three hours of video games a week, and almost every fight will include how "I don't care about her and I should just go play my fing video games because that's all I ever want to do." (Even though I'm working my tail off for both of us).



Sorry for the LONG drawn out story but this is where it comes to my problem:* I feel that I stayed with a woman who has a few mental issues (I also have anxiety and depression) and I've always had feelings for her. So I've stayed with her no matter what because I didn't want to be a quitter and I didn't want to just abandon my relationship with someone I genuinely cared about just because times were rough, and I was holding on to the constant promises of "I'll be better" or "I'll change I promise". Now even though I DEEPLY care about my wife I feel like I'm stuck in a bitter, hapless, destructive, emotionally abusive, sexless, non-compromising marriage, and every fight we have or every time I feel rejected I feel more and more like cheating(which I DON'T want to do but the thought WON'T leave my head) or separating, and possibly divorcing.. Like I said I care DEEPLY for my wife and often still LOVE my wife. However I just feel unhappy, and bitter almost ALL the time. We were good the last two days where we were loving, had sex one of the days(I was at work the other), and we were just all around loving and supportive of each other. However today we're back at it again and I'm just miserable and I have no idea what I want or what I'm doing, and even if I did I feel like I couldn't leave because I don't want to hurt my wife but I just feel sad, depressed, miserable, and sometimes feel depressed enough to feel suicidal because I know if I leave it would hurt her but if I stay I'll continue to be miserable. I just don't know what to do--she knows I'm unhappy and I've insinuated I've been unhappy enough to leave but I don't. She has agreed to go to counseling for her mental issues but didn't make her first appointment because she was sick, so she rescheduled. My fear is that even with counseling this is going to continue and we're both gonna spend the rest of our lives in a crappy marriage. I just don't know what to do =\ I'm sorry for the long post guys--Thanks in advance to those who took the time to read my thread!.*
*
EDIT: I'm also scared of the social anxieties that come with a divorce. I LOVE her family and they're very loving and kind and I hate to ruin that relationship. I also am very critical of myself and I would constitute a divorce as a huge failure in my life and I hate that!*


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

OP, you do realize you're in an abusive relationship right? 

You are actively planning to bring a child into an abusive environment. You grew up in an abusive home; have you forgotten what it was like being a child in that environment? The terror, walking on eggshells, not knowing when the abuser will blow up, the confusion, the pain ...

You're falling into the same pattern of abuse that your mother fell victim to OP. As a fellow survivor of a home broken by abuse, this cuts really deep. I'm biased against abusers and for that reason I cannot recommend anything other than GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE! Yesterday!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Seems like you knew all this about her and married her anyway.

Why?

Financial reasons don't make a good marriage.

And yes, you're in an abusive relationship that doesn't need children brought into it. 

This marriage needs serious counseling or it needs to end. 

And fyi, working 96 hours per week is not good for a marriage. Is she working?


----------



## Christoph0127 (Feb 3, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> OP, you do realize you're in an abusive relationship right?
> 
> You are actively planning to bring a child into an abusive environment. You grew up in an abusive home; have you forgotten what it was like being a child in that environment? The terror, walking on eggshells, not knowing when the abuser will blow up, the confusion, the pain ...
> 
> You're falling into the same pattern of abuse that your mother fell victim to OP. As a fellow survivor of a home broken by abuse, this cuts really deep. I'm biased against abusers and for that reason I cannot recommend anything other than GET THE EFF OUT OF THERE! Yesterday!


I'm honestly not sure why I'm still here I really don't. I guess I've just gotten so used to it that I accepted it, or perhaps it's Stockholm syndrome. I've been trying to be the good guy, the good boyfriend, and the good husband by staying in the relationship for fear of the social anxiety of being called a quitter or saying I was incapable of commitment or that I abandoned my vows. Which is why I came here to get an outsiders perspective to make sure I'm at least not the only one at fault.



lifeistooshort said:


> Seems like you knew all this about her and married her anyway.
> 
> Why?
> 
> ...


Like I said above I guess I just wanted to be ultra committed, love her regardless of her faults, and do my very best to make it work but NOTHING is working. There have been hundreds of chances, me forgiving, and hundreds of promises of better days but they never come. I only moved in with her in the beginning of our relationship for her sake for financial reasons--I definitely am not staying married for financial reasons because I feel I'd be better off financially without her. Which is the other thing--I'm constantly having day dreams and dreams of being alone and being with other people (not even sexually) and me feeling ecstatic and happy. 

I know working that much isn't good for a relationship but it's something that we both sat down and talked about and agreed upon so we could buy a home. Yes she does work full-time as a nanny which brings in okay money. 

Any other input is definitely appreciated from y'all and others. I've decided to tell her we need to stop trying and seek counseling or we're just going to have to separate because I can't live like this anymore. 

Thank y'all for being so bluntly honest.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She put out your fire and is pissing on your parade.

As she was leaving the apartment this morning she was mumbling this dark ditty.

"You want it darker?, I will kill the flame".

-------------------------------------------------------------

She is the fire fighter and you are the flame.

-------------------------------------------------------------


----------



## _anonymous_ (Apr 18, 2016)

Divorce has some social stigmas, and it seems like you're worried about the perceptions of family and friends, possibly blows to your own ego (e.g. gee, if I divorce I'm a big "quitter"). Toss all of that aside, and think carefully about what really matters: what's at stake (your future) and who stands to be hurt by the divorce (only you and her; no kids). 

Considering that you're in a chronically abusive relationship that will make you unhappy long-term and few people are exposed to the ensuing damage of divorce, you should just go. People can change, but the likelihood of this is very small for your wife. That's hard to stomach, but it's true. The longer you wait for improvement, the worse this gets. Start planning your exit now.

Roughly speaking, everything you've earned since getting married is regarded as communal property, and she is likely entitled (by the law, not by what is fair and appropriate) to a portion of your communal net worth. How the division of property is made really depends on how amicable your divorce is. I would recommend getting a free consultation (over the phone) with several divorce attorneys in your locale; do some some research in advance for your particular state (assuming you're in the US) and be prepared with questions. Take notes.

Before starting divorce proceedings, start working to protect yourself...
1) Stop the infertility treatment; having kids complicates things tremendously and is a mistake. 
2) Watch your credit; get off credit cards that are in both of your names, take her off cards where you're the primary cardholder if that's possible, etc. 
3) Save some cash; if you have disposable income, perhaps have a family member start an account and deposit there. 
4) Remove joint access to emails/social media/etc; after she's served, she could retaliate.
After starting divorce proceedings, do these things...
5) Move out; if you're not month-to-month, you may have to break a lease and deal with the consequences; don't let her know your new address.
6) Change your phone number


----------



## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Christoph0127 said:


> I can't really get solid advice without giving y'all the full story of the last five years but I will try to sum it up the best I can. [/B]


You still must have some hope that someday, she'll snap out of it and realize how wonderful you have been. That hope is probably how you have maintained your sanity. If there is one thing that I hope you realize soon is that things are not going to get better.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Divorce might have a social stigma, but it's so common these days that it isn't really an issue. You need to ask yourself if the trade off to get out of a bad marriage is worth it to you. And in the future never let anyone treat you the way she does (this applies whether you stay together or get divorced). Look at it like a learning opportunity where you can develop boundaries and the strength to not tolerate it.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Sounds like a crappy marriage. No kids? Easy. Get out now and find someone that isn't crazy.


----------



## Christoph0127 (Feb 3, 2017)

All this advice is very helpful and appreciated and I'm making a mental note of all of it and will check back periodically. I have sat down and had the conversation with her that I'm unhappy and why(this isn't breaking news to her) and told her that we need to get counseling and SHE needs to get individual counseling for her mental problems(Some I will attend to give them my side of things). I've told her that if we can't fix this and she won't meet me halfway by handling all of her issues and improving that we would be heading down the road to divorce. I truly do not want that and have told her that--But if that's what I have to do to be happy and not feel the way I've been feeling I will.

She has agreed to my "demands" and said shes intent on making me happy again (Even though 2 hours after that conversation we got into another one of those fights and I got in trouble for pointing out that was the type of thing I was tired of and it just made it even worse and more dramatic).

Luckily we have not required many assets since we've been married.. Both cars are in my name--One of which we're making payments on (I'd be happy to part with it as long as I'm not paying for it), and we have about $5,000 in our savings which I would be more than happy to split down the middle if it came to it. Most of what we own I wouldn't care to lose in return for my happiness.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

She sounds Borderline Personality Disorder. My ex is (as far as my diagnosis goes). Get out, be fair, don't screw yourself and move on with your life.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Christoph0127 said:


> She continues to claim that it's all due to *her anxiety/depression* to which *she believes she's bi-polar* (which may true do to her radical mood swings).


Christoph, perhaps your W is bipolar. The behavioral traits you describe here, however, are not those of bipolar disorder. I agree with @*Herschel* and @*john117* that you're describing some of the classic warning signs for BPD. This distinction between BPD and bipolar is important because, whereas bipolar sometimes can be treated successfully by swallowing a pill, meds will not make a dent in BPD. Not one dent.

If your W really does suffer from strong traits of BPD, the _"anxiety/depression"_ you mention is to be expected. A recent large-scale study found that 81% of female BPDers have a co-occurring anxiety disorder and 80% have a mood disorder such as depression. See Table 3 at 2008 Study in JCP. 

I therefore suggest you take a quick look at the major differences I've seen between the behaviors of bipolar sufferers (e.g., my foster son) and BPDers (e.g., my exW) at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences. If most of the BPD symptoms sound very familiar, I would suggest you take a quick look at my list of _18 BPD Warning Signs_. If most of them sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _Maybe's Thread_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join *Herschel*, *John*, and the other respondents in discussing them with you.

Learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your W's issues. The main reason for learning these red flags, then -- like learning warning signs for stroke and heart attack -- is to help you decide whether there is sufficient reason to spend money seeking a professional opinion. It also may help you decide whether you should seek a divorce. Take care, Christoph.


----------



## golfpanther (Nov 30, 2016)

Christoph0127 said:


> All this advice is very helpful and appreciated and I'm making a mental note of all of it and will check back periodically. I have sat down and had the conversation with her that I'm unhappy and why(this isn't breaking news to her) and told her that we need to get counseling and SHE needs to get individual counseling for her mental problems(Some I will attend to give them my side of things). I've told her that if we can't fix this and she won't meet me halfway by handling all of her issues and improving that we would be heading down the road to divorce. I truly do not want that and have told her that--But if that's what I have to do to be happy and not feel the way I've been feeling I will.
> 
> She has agreed to my "demands" and said shes intent on making me happy again (Even though 2 hours after that conversation we got into another one of those fights and I got in trouble for pointing out that was the type of thing I was tired of and it just made it even worse and more dramatic).
> 
> Luckily we have not required many assets since we've been married.. Both cars are in my name--One of which we're making payments on (I'd be happy to part with it as long as I'm not paying for it), and we have about $5,000 in our savings which I would be more than happy to split down the middle if it came to it. Most of what we own I wouldn't care to lose in return for my happiness.


This is all great progress. When you brought up your issues with her did she have anything to say about why she behaves that way? Also, did she communicate anything about your behavior that is an issue for her?

I will say that the working 96 hours a week is insane. Not only is that undoubtedly draining to you both mentally and physically, but while you see it as commitment, I'd be willing to bet she sees it (at least in part) as avoidance and neglect. I know you're trying to save up for all the things the two of you want, but I'd recommend cutting that way back; at least for a time. Have you asked her about how she feels about you working those kinds of hours?

It does sound like an abusive relationship so hopefully she goes to counseling and begins to address her issues. I'd probably advise you not to go with her to one of her sessions for a while. Let her feel like that's a safe space for her to get out her feelings and work on herself and then go if she and her therapist thinks it's a good idea. She may give one side of the story for a while, but a good therapist will be able to see your side whenever you end up going in there.

Use couple's therapy as the venue for exploring the issues between the two of you. In fact, you should also get your own therapist for yourself because it sounds like you've been through a lot and even said you've thought about suicide. You'll both need to get healthy for the relationship to have any real shot.

As others have said, definitely don't bring a child into this scenario. That'll be another source of stress, another reason for you to work ridiculous hours and another thing for her to say you don't make time for and don't appreciate. The child doesn't deserve any of that at all.

I'd think about another separation to be honest, but if she's willing to go to therapy with you than see what the therapist says. It'd probably do you both a lot of good to get some space to work on yourselves and only see each other and talk about the relationship in a safe and neutral location with a trained professional.

Best of luck to you, hope it gets better!


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife has serious, serious issues, which dont have a damn thing to do with you. I am glad Uptown posted. You are not going to be able to change her, and for the love of God, dont get her pregnant. You will be abused for the rest of your life if you do not get out of this marriage. Move on and find yourself some happiness.


----------



## Christoph0127 (Feb 3, 2017)

Uptown said:


> Christoph, perhaps your W is bipolar. The behavioral traits you describe here, however, are not those of bipolar disorder. I agree with @


*

My god... Thank you so much for posting Uptown.. The 18 facts about BPD you posted--They're all true about wife.. So much that I have a pit in my stomach as if I realized I was married to an axe murderer(not that I'm calling her evil or saying its her fault she's that way) I'm just so shocked by all of this and it all makes so much sense now... 



golfpanther said:



This is all great progress. When you brought up your issues with her did she have anything to say about why she behaves that way? Also, did she communicate anything about your behavior that is an issue for her?

I will say that the working 96 hours a week is insane. Not only is that undoubtedly draining to you both mentally and physically, but while you see it as commitment, I'd be willing to bet she sees it (at least in part) as avoidance and neglect. I know you're trying to save up for all the things the two of you want, but I'd recommend cutting that way back; at least for a time. Have you asked her about how she feels about you working those kinds of hours?

It does sound like an abusive relationship so hopefully she goes to counseling and begins to address her issues. I'd probably advise you not to go with her to one of her sessions for a while. Let her feel like that's a safe space for her to get out her feelings and work on herself and then go if she and her therapist thinks it's a good idea. She may give one side of the story for a while, but a good therapist will be able to see your side whenever you end up going in there.

Use couple's therapy as the venue for exploring the issues between the two of you. In fact, you should also get your own therapist for yourself because it sounds like you've been through a lot and even said you've thought about suicide. You'll both need to get healthy for the relationship to have any real shot.

As others have said, definitely don't bring a child into this scenario. That'll be another source of stress, another reason for you to work ridiculous hours and another thing for her to say you don't make time for and don't appreciate. The child doesn't deserve any of that at all.

I'd think about another separation to be honest, but if she's willing to go to therapy with you than see what the therapist says. It'd probably do you both a lot of good to get some space to work on yourselves and only see each other and talk about the relationship in a safe and neutral location with a trained professional.

Best of luck to you, hope it gets better!

Click to expand...

She used her mental issues as an excuse for her actions as she usually does.. The two things she said I'm lack in is 1. I don't give her gifts as a sign of affection anymore (flowers etc.). My excuse for no longer doing this (i think) is that I've fallen out of love for her and I finder it hard to even think of doing romantic things for her when I just feel bitter towards her. 2. Is me seeking affection elsewhere when she doesn't provide (like pornography). I'm not proud of that fact but it is my way of not physically cheating on my wife whether that's a poor excuse or not that's how i feel about it.

Before I started working 72-96 hr weeks I sat down and asked her how she felt about it before ever seeking a second job. We discussed the pros and cons and both decided it'd be worth the extra money until we get settled into a new home.

I do plan on her going to her counseling alone (as I told her today) she needs to be comfortable and be able to tell them the real truth about how she feels without me there, and If the therapist wants me to come in I will.

I believe a separation may be inevitable deep down inside I feel like that's what i really want. But it hurts so much to even think of that and all I can think of is how distraught she will be if that happens. I know I need to put me first but I still care about her and I don't want to hurt her regardless of how much she has hurt me.. That's just the type of person I am and I can't help it. 



3Xnocharm said:



Your wife has serious, serious issues, which dont have a damn thing to do with you. I am glad Uptown posted. You are not going to be able to change her, and for the love of God, dont get her pregnant. You will be abused for the rest of your life if you do not get out of this marriage. Move on and find yourself some happiness.

Click to expand...

She actually asked me today how I felt about having sex while we work this out and I told her I don't know how I feel about it. Because I agree we have no business bringing a child into this world like this. I also reiterated to her today that if things don't turn out positively after all this counseling I will be leaving because I have to make myself happy above all else--even if it hurts me to leave her like that. 

I just want to breakdown and sob my eyes out over the idea of leaving her because I know how badly that will hurt her. It hurts me more to think about her pain than my own. Over the years I have grown pretty strong emotionally (Probably because of all the crap I've been through with her and my childhood) and I know I would bounce back from a divorce. However all I can think of is how miserable and distraught she will be from all of it and it just freaking destroys me inside to where it makes me feel like the devil because of my wanting to do that to her. 

I never thought I'd come to this--I run into burning buildings for a living without even batting an eye. However this is the most stressful hurtful thing I have ever had to go through that it makes me want to throw up. How can I leave my wife to make myself happy and still come out not feeling like a piece of crap?

She told me today that she often thinks that maybe she should just let me go, and part of me just wants to go YES! GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE! FOREVER! But the bigger part of me is saying NO! PLEASE STAY! I WANT THIS TO WORK!*


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Christoph0127 said:


> I do plan on her going to her counseling alone... and If the therapist wants me to come in I will.


Christoph, if you are still uncertain about leaving your W, I would suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Therapists generally withhold the name of the disorder from high functioning BPDers because it usually is not in the client's best interests to be told.

Hence, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion, when BPD is a strong possibility, is to see a psychologist who has not treated or seen your W. That way, you are assured that he ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. Relying on her therapist for candid advice during the marriage would be as foolish as relying on her attorney for candid advice during the divorce.



> The 18 [warning signs] about BPD you posted--They're all true about my wife.


If she is a BPDer as you suspect and you decide to leave, the divorce process likely will get very nasty very quickly. I therefore recommend the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing a Borderline or Narcissist_.



> How can I leave my wife to make myself happy and still come out not feeling like a piece of crap?


There are three online articles that may help. Two of them are Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD and Leaving a Partner with BPD. The third article is the best explanation I have found of how excessive caregivers (like you and me) get to be this way during our childhoods. It is Shari Schreiber's blog article at Do You Love to be Needed? Schreiber argues that, due to childhood dynamics with our parents, our desire to be _needed _(for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be _loved_ (for the men we already are).


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Christoph, as many have said here, you both need to seek professional help first, then maybe things will look clearer. Set a time frame to see if things improve.


----------



## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

It's a mixed bag man. @Uptown has pointed you in the right direction and it wasn't u til I read some of those threads that I was like, wow, that explains it. My stbx and I went to counseling and she showed up drunk to the first one and wanted to give me a BJ in the bathroom before (it does hurt my soul to type that out since it's been like 8 months, but I digress) and the individuals appointment she used to destroy me afterwards. My ex drank a lot toward the end and self medicated. She knew something was wrong but you can't see it when it's you.

So, at the end I threw a Hail Mary. I listed the 18 points, told her I would go see a psychotherapist with her and she scoffed at me. "You are calling me crazy" and stuff like that, then deflected it back on me. That was the end of it. 

You have to draw a map of possible outcomes based on courses of action. You need to have a plan for each one. You then have to stick to it. I am pretty good at sticking to stuff. I'm like a fresh boogie. Try to be like that.


----------



## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

As was said before, don't get her pregnant!!! She will use that kid to control you!


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Just so you know, Christoph, you're not the only person who feels this way about wanting to leave their spouse. I also feel like extreme crap, so I know exactly what you're going through.



Christoph0127 said:


> I believe a separation may be inevitable deep down inside I feel like that's what i really want. But it hurts so much to even think of that and all I can think of is how distraught she will be if that happens. I know I need to put me first but I still care about her and I don't want to hurt her regardless of how much she has hurt me.. That's just the type of person I am and I can't help it.
> 
> I just want to breakdown and sob my eyes out over the idea of leaving her because I know how badly that will hurt her. It hurts me more to think about her pain than my own. Over the years I have grown pretty strong emotionally (Probably because of all the crap I've been through with her and my childhood) and I know I would bounce back from a divorce. However all I can think of is how miserable and distraught she will be from all of it and it just freaking destroys me inside to where it makes me feel like the devil because of my wanting to do that to her.


----------



## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Tell the part of you that wants her to leave to summon his courage and beat the crap out of the part of you that wants her to stay.

Feeling like crap that you want to break up with her shows you are a decent caring person. She will use that against you without mercy or remorse. If you can't find it within you to protect yourself from her, she will eat you alive.

You don't have to worry about her at all. She is worrying about herself plenty. You need to worry about you. You are the only one in this relationship who could do that. Don't let yourself down.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Christoph0127 said:


> My
> 
> She* used her mental issues as an excuse* for her actions as she usually does..


Yes, and* it is a valid excuse*.

Your wife is unbalanced and struggling. Accept this. Do not denigrate her for this.

If you divorce, do so with compassion. 

I hope I would have the strength to bail. Talk is cheap.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Yes, and* it is a valid excuse*.
> 
> Your wife is unbalanced and struggling. Accept this. Do not denigrate her for this.
> 
> If you divorce, do so with compassion.


+1


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

You also need to get counselling. Very very important. As someone who is also stuck in the guilt trap I know. It takes 2 people to make a marriage and it takes 2 people to BREAK a marriage. She can go get counselling and try her darndest to "keep you", however it's really important for you to find your boundaries with regards to this as well. A marriage can never work when one person is taking care of the other person at the cost of your "self". It sounds like you have a lot of fear over impressions and being a "good guy", and much of that is keeping you in a toxic marriage. 

Children will only exacerbate the problem. You think it's hard now, wait till you have kids and she's playing the kids against you, or using them to hurt you. My experience has been that people don't change when you put them up against the wire. If they only go for counselling because you have threatened separation or divorce they won't continue and will only do it to appease you. Once they think you're adequately appeased they'll stop and you'll start the cycle all over again. Take if from me, I've been doing this for 5 years. 

don't waste your time. So what you like her family, you have to live with her, and she is nasty and cruel to you.

there is nothing wrong with saying that you deserve and want more from a partner and that while you love her, and her family, that it's not working for you. run for the hills before she gets pregnant.


----------



## Zyria (Jan 23, 2017)

Keenwa said:


> My experience has been that people don't change when you put them up against the wire. If they only go for counselling because you have threatened separation or divorce they won't continue and will only do it to appease you. Once they think you're adequately appeased they'll stop and you'll start the cycle all over again.


Truer words never spoken.


----------

