# Sometimes it is depressing...



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

when I think about the future and wonder if I will ever be able to trust H again...will I always feel this need to be checking his cell phone records for unfamiliar numbers, if he is working somewhere and there is an attractive female will I now wonder if he is attracted to her, is something going on, etc. etc.

At times I, in a strange way, mourn what I used to have..the absolute trust that this person would never hurt me like that, little things that come up that now make me over analyze whereas previously I would never have given a second thought to, now that is gone and it is a terribly unsettling feeling to have. 

I just fear that I will become an insecure paranoid person for the rest of my life....I try not to be but yet I act and behave like that.

These are the times when I feel like just walking away and starting fresh.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

I'm just gonna say "ditto"


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

If there has been a true reconciliation, then that trust will slowly return.
I still on occasion check phone and email records, but not very often.

I also have adapted a mindset that if she wants to cheat, she will and there is nothing that I can do about it. I also know that if she does, she will eventually mess up and get caught.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I hear you OP and agree with DanF.

We are a year on and I no longer feel the need to be constantly checking up. I do now and again. He doesn't like it as it reminds him of why I feel like that but I have open access to everything if I want it.

Also it is very liberating to get to that point DanF mentioned. I think it is a realisation that we cannot exert control over anyone. People will act ultimately as *they* wish and that just IS. There is nothing I can do about it and I feel sure that should it happen again, I gave it my everything and I would depart knowing a breach of that regained trust was in no way my fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rmommy22 (Jan 17, 2012)

Cheating was for me one big thing that I would not accept. I have always been the type of person that does not worry myself over cheating because I can not control what someone else does. But, on the same note, if you can not be faithful to me, you will not be with me.
Knowing this, my husband still decided to pursue an affair. It has made me a paranoid person even though I am walking away. I know that I will get 'better' as time goes on, but honestly I am not sure I will ever be able to trust anyone like that again. I will always have a though in the back of my mind that someone will do it to me again. I would say it has changed me to be more concerned with the behavior even if I logically realize that I can not control someone else.
That is one of the hurts that people dont realize when they have an affair. Whether you work it out with them or eventually finding someone new, there will always be questions and paranoia. It may not be that way for everyone, or different levels, but for me, it will always be there.


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

It can be depressing. I chalk it up to it's just life. 

And me, almost 4 years post D-Day and I can tell you, I barely check anything. Really don't have too. But since I am forever changed- I still will look. 
Then that one random time- I call him and he doesn't pick right up-I get his voice mail. And there my mind can go.......back. But I take a deep breath and think about reality and it's gone.

It sucks. But it does get better. Really.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

sunshinetoday said:


> It can be depressing. I chalk it up to it's just life.
> 
> And me, almost 4 years post D-Day and I can tell you, I barely check anything. Really don't have too. But since I am forever changed- I still will look.
> Then that one random time- I call him and he doesn't pick right up-I get his voice mail. And there my mind can go.......back. But I take a deep breath and think about reality and it's gone.
> ...


Agreed. After 5 years I can finally not worry about him joining a co-ed volleyball league, going out to lunch with a group of co-workers or having his own interests and hobbies. I can look into things if I need to, but do not feel the need to. It is such a great feeling. Same goes for him. 

The A's really changed our marriage and our relationship, but for the better. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years......but it's only been 5


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Agreed. After 5 years I can finally not worry about him joining a co-ed volleyball league, going out to lunch with a group of co-workers or having his own interests and hobbies. I can look into things if I need to, but do not feel the need to. It is such a great feeling. Same goes for him.
> 
> The A's really changed our marriage and our relationship, but for the better. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years......but it's only been 5


That is very true! I do believe that an A can help a marraige in certain ways for the better if things were not good before and both are willing to work at it.

I do tell myself that I have more control, not over him, but over the situation, than I think. I can dictate how the marriage is from this point on..in terms of working on certain things both with myself and with him, etc. etc.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> Agreed. After 5 years I can finally not worry about him joining a co-ed volleyball league, going out to lunch with a group of co-workers or having his own interests and hobbies. I can look into things if I need to, but do not feel the need to. It is such a great feeling. Same goes for him.
> 
> The A's really changed our marriage and our relationship, but for the better. I never thought I would ever say that in a million years......but it's only been 5


Sunshine and Bride that gives me LOTS of hope! Thanks and I'm happy that your marriages are doing so well.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

highwood said:


> That is very true! I do believe that an A can help a marraige in certain ways for the better if things were not good before and both are willing to work at it.
> 
> I do tell myself that I have more control, not over him, but over the situation, than I think. I can dictate how the marriage is from this point on..in terms of working on certain things both with myself and with him, etc. etc.



Yes!!! Exactly!!! It's almost like I feel our "first" marriage we were so busy tip toeing around each other, not sure how to communicate, it just felt like chaos. This "second" marriage seems so much more stable and controlled. Like you said, we have control over the marriage. We both understand this is the last chance for both of us. If either one of us screws up again, its over. But we are both working on never screwing up again


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Ingalls said:


> Sunshine and Bride that gives me LOTS of hope! Thanks and I'm happy that your marriages are doing so well.


Just know, we may be in a good place now, but it took a good 2+ years of utter and complete hell to get here. Checking cell phones daily, email daily, questioning where-a-bouts daily, trying to work through issues when triggers come up....not easy at all. It takes so much work and there will be times, even over a year later you may feel like throwing in the towel. 

You both just have to be willing to work on the marriage. The thing that resonates most with me is this: our MC told us that the marriage is a third person in the relationship and it will take both of us to nurture and support that "person" so it can grow with us, as we both grow as individuals. 

It didn't really "click" with me what marriage really was until I heard that. It's a living, breathing, entity that both spouses need to committ to "raising" together. If only one spouse is trying to support that 3rd person, it will surely die b/c it needs both people to survive. Hope that makes sense.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Highwood, yes, you will be able to trust again, but with the realization that all trust is conditional; it always has been; we just didn't know that. A line from my journal from a few years back: " I feel that I have wound that will not heal, from an arrow, deep, that no matter how I gnaw, or claw, scratch, it cannot be removed." I am in a much better place in my head now. I realize that I do have control, not of others, or situations, but of myself. You are getting there, and a lot faster than some of us.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There is something...gut wrenching? nauseating? about saying that the affair helped our marriage, but I have to concede that it did. We are connecting on a much better, deeper level than we ever have. I know that many times over the years I secretly wondered if he'd just married me because we dated so long (5 years) and I wondered if I married him because I really wanted to be a married person and I was pushing 30. That, even though we fell deeply in love quickly and are compatible in many things (and not in others, but that's what keeps it interesting).

The difference? We are both putting in the effort. Although I will tell you, I had a realization the other day now that we're in R...all that time I thought I misunderstood him, I was a poor communicator, I couldn't read him, he was an enigma, we argued too much...well, I see now he was constantly distancing himself and picking fights, typical WS behavior to keep me being the bad guy in the marriage after I was pulling more than 50% of the weight to try to get it back on track. Hindsight isn't all bad!


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Ingalls said:


> Sunshine and Bride that gives me LOTS of hope! Thanks and I'm happy that your marriages are doing so well.


Ditto.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Ahhh a "gift" of the affair. I don't know how long it's been since DDay for you, but I sincerely hope time gives you relief.

Not to be a downer at all, but after nearly a year of trying to find my way to R, I realized exactly this -- that I will always have that doubt, however small it might get over time, and always have that knowledge of what she did any time I looked at her -- and that realization made me decide to part ways with her, the mother of my child, because I cannot live happily with that reality for the rest of my life. Deal breaker. 

But it took me 10+ months to face it; you do not need to decide anything right away.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Yes.. I hate that feeling when he doesn't answer the phone. 
j


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

2Xloser, what you say is true. Everyone has to find his/her own way. For some, infidelity is just a deal breaker. Are you moving on with your life now that it's over?


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

river rat said:


> 2Xloser, what you say is true. Everyone has to find his/her own way. For some, infidelity is just a deal breaker. Are you moving on with your life now that it's over?


Slowly, but yes. Trying to keep it all amicable, work thru a mediator, sell the house, etc. -- but highly resentful at essentially "paying her off" to go away for cheating on me...lovely no-fault laws. There is no punitive aspect to the split, it is all as if *I* one day decided I no longer wanted the marriage, in the eyes of the law - and that sucks. It's day by day for now, actually quite kind and nice in the house since that decision, almost eerie how the pressure is off and there is much less hostility because we're not struggling to R, we're just making plans to split.


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