# Husband cheated after 9 years



## Needtotalkitout (Oct 22, 2021)

Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball. 

The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer.

I encouraged him to go so he could have some guy time. He texted me around 10:00 and I told him we were headed to bed and that I love him.

He texted back he loves me too. I wake up around 2:50 am and he isn’t back and no text messages since the last one.

I check find my iPhone and see he is at a bar. About 10 minutes later I see that the dot moves and it looks as if he is headed back. It shows he makes it back to the hotel. 

I laid back down knowing he was there and fell back asleep. I wake up 2 hours later at 5am and he still isn’t in our room. 

I start making up reasons like maybe he went to the coaches room so he doesn’t wake us up. Then he finally comes in and goes straight to the shower. 

After his shower i give him a hug from the bed and he asks what time we need to get up which is in 2 hours. 

He lays down and falls asleep. I never fall asleep after this point and just feel like something is wrong. 

When it is time to get up I go over to him and ask about his night and he is acting weird.

I ask why his phone said he was here for 2 hours but he never came to the room. He says after saying I don’t know that he was fooling around with a woman he met at the bar.

I immediately break out in sweat and can’t breathe. The only thing I could say is that he broke my heart and then had to take care of our son which is the reason we were there. 

I had to make it through and entire weekend with him and our son and was not able to have any reaction to affect our son. 

I was able to find out her name, her age and he said he went down on her and kissed her that he didn’t have sex with her(after asking enough times it was because he couldn’t get it up, but he tried to.) 

My husband has never done anything like this before. He claims that he had over 12 drinks and that he doesn’t remember alot and that some things are blank. 

If he has 4 beers at home though he passes out. I am having trouble with why he did this.

He says not much thought went into it and that he never had any intentions of cheating or hurting me. 

I can’t believe he was willing to throw his life away for this. I did a background check on her and everything she told him about what she does for a living and that it was her birthday was a complete lie. 

I really want to forgive him and move on, but I don’t buy that he aas so drunk he has no idea how it happened. 

I think once he saw my reaction he came up with what he needed to come up with. 

Do people actually get drunk to where they do things without thinking about it at the time?


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Needtotalkitout said:


> Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball. The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer. I encouraged him to go so he could have some guy time. He texted me around 10:00 and I told him we were headed to bed and that I love him. He texted back he loves me too. I wake up around 2:50 am and he isn’t back and no text messages since the last one. I check find my iPhone and see he is at a bar. About 10 minutes later I see that the dot moves and it looks as if he is headed back. It shows he makes it back to the hotel. I laid back down knowing he was there and fell back asleep. I wake up 2 hours later at 5am and he still isn’t in our room. I start making up reasons like maybe he went to the coaches room so he doesn’t wake us up. Then he finally comes in and goes straight to the shower. After his shower i give him a hug from the bed and he asks what time we need to get up which is in 2 hours. He lays down and falls asleep. I never fall asleep after this point and just feel like something is wrong. When it is time to get up I go over to him and ask about his night and he is acting weird. I ask why his phone said he was here for 2 hours but he never came to the room. He says after saying I don’t know that he was fooling around with a woman he met at the bar. I immediately break out in sweat and can’t breathe. The only thing I could say is that he broke my heart and then had to take care of our son which is the reason we were there. I had to make it through and entire weekend with him and our son and was not able to have any reaction to affect our son. I was able to find out her name, her age and he said he went down on her and kissed her that he didn’t have sex with her(after asking enough times it was because he couldn’t get it up, but he tried to.) My husband has never done anything like this before. He claims that he had over 12 drinks and that he doesn’t remember alot and that some things are blank. If he has 4 beers at home though he passes out. I am having trouble with why he did this. He says not much thought went into it and that he never had any intentions of cheating or hurting me. I can’t believe he was willing to throw his life away for this. I did a background check on her and everything she told him about what she does for a living and that it was her birthday was a complete lie. I really want to forgive him and move on, but I don’t buy that he aas so drunk he has no idea how it happened. I think once he saw my reaction he came up with what he needed to come up with. Do people actually get drunk to where they do things without thinking about it at the time?


When he got back to the room and climbed in bed and talked to you did you see any evidence that he was that drunk? Also did he smell like he was wasted? You know that smell that comes out of people’s lungs…

Just to clarify, he was sober enough to get back to the hotel, go somewhere with a woman in the hotel, go down on her, remember her story about her birthday etc etc, but too drunk to remember why he did it? That’s his story?

I’m so sorry you are here, it’s a horrible feeling, that moment when your world flips upside down and you know you’ll never be the same.


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## Needtotalkitout (Oct 22, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> When he got back to the room and climbed in bed and talked to you did you see any evidence that he was that drunk? Also did he smell like he was wasted? You know that smell that comes out of people’s lungs…
> 
> Just to clarify, he was sober enough to get back to the hotel, go somewhere with a woman in the hotel, go down on her, remember her story about her birthday etc etc, but too drunk to remember why he did it? That’s his story?
> 
> I’m so sorry you are here, it’s a horrible feeling, that moment when your world flips upside down and you know you’ll never be the same.


He said that it was a miracle he found his way back. He did not seem that drunk to me but he said me being awake sobered him up because he was scared. When I hugged him he kept his face away from me.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Wow, what a complete jerk! And right in front of you too! This isn’t the first time - I guarantee it. His lack of conscience and lack of your feelings shows he’s skilled at cheating.

and you better believe he had sex with her. 
I’d divorce him. His lack of consideration for your feelings is despicable.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Needtotalkitout said:


> He said that it was a miracle he found his way back. He did not seem that drunk to me but he said me being awake sobered him up because he was scared. When I hugged him he kept his face away from me.


I don’t know about you, but I can tell when my wasband was drunk within 3 feet of poor lighting and 2 words. You know whether he was so drunk he “lost his morals”. 

What do you want to do about this, what are your thoughts?


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Yeah, I'm calling bull**** on him being flat drunk. I'm also skeptical that it stopped at just oral sex. You say he's never done this before, but he seemed awfully casual with his reasonings and that 'it wasn't intentional'. What you want to do with just forgiving and moving on is rugsweeping. Don't accept that.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did you spend the weekend not addressing this issue? And why haven’t you hit it head on with anger since arriving home?

He blatantly cheated on you and you’ve done nothing about it? Why is he still living in the home?
swift and harsh consequences are needed or he’s getting the idea you are all ok with it! 😵‍💫


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're here OP, I don't know how I'd cope with that, other than it wouldn't be good.

Sending you love.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

What your getting is trickle truth. If you keep pushing eventually you may get some more information (but not all of it). 
If your husbands job entails any overnight travel then I can pretty much guarantee that he’s done this before. 
And another thing, if he had as much alcohol as he claims how was he able to function the next day.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Getting so drunk you are incapable of controlling yourself is an excuse.

To my shame it is an excuse that I used myself many years ago. (A stupid revenge affair.)

It helps you do things that you know are wrong but you have the excuse that you were too drunk to be in control of yourself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Think about it. He had no qualms dragging a barfly to the same hotel to screw where his wife and son were sleeping. This isn't his first rodeo by a long shot. Check to see if he paid her.

No sex until he gets checked for STIs. Get yourself checked as well.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

Needtotalkitout said:


> Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball.
> 
> The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer.
> 
> ...


You are committed and bound to a man who is out.....with his wife.....with his own child and he can't just drive down the road to get 1 drink with the coach and not completely betray his marriage?
I know you have tons of questions and hurts and emotions. 
The bottom line is you are with a man with horrible character. This is the stuff enemies due to you. Your spouse is supposed to be your biggest supporter and the most trusted. 

Do you really want to be with this guy? 
It is kind of hard for me to think someone could so quickly and easily betray his wife and marriage and not have done it ever before. You just may not know about his other betrayals. 

Don't even talk about being drunk. Who cares. Even if he is drunk that is no excuse. He did it. Alcohol didn't.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Ugh, this sucks. I'm sorry. He definitely met a woman at the bar, who was staying your hotel. They came back and did whatever they did before he went back to your room.

I would demand a polygraph. I'd also make him serve your best interests 100% until you decide what to do. Your mind will be all over the place for awhile. I'd recommend talking to the coach. He probably won't divulge any real details (bro code) but you may want to confirm your H was even with him at all.

"Hey coach, FYI, my husband cheated on me last night. He said he was going out with you for drinks. Did that even happen, or was he lying about that?"

(assuming he says, yes, we did go for drinks)

"So you guys were hitting on women?" Let him answer you. You may glean a lot from how he responds, his body language, etc.

Or, he might say, hell no, I left at midnight and he said he was going to stick around. If he says he never had drinks with your H, then you have that info to take back to him, and his actions were premeditated.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Needtotalkitout said:


> Do people actually get drunk to where they do things without thinking about it at the time?


In my experience being drunk or even 12 drinks drunk just removes barriers to behavior you were already capable of.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Think about it. He had no qualms dragging a barfly to the same hotel to screw where his wife and son were sleeping. This isn't his first rodeo by a long shot. Check to see if he paid her.
> 
> No sex until he gets checked for STIs. Get yourself checked as well.


Or the meeting was arranged in advance, but he wasn't able to face down his wife after he'd done the deed?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ccpowerslave said:


> In my experience being drunk or even 12 drinks drunk just removes barriers to behavior you were already capable of.


Or they decided to drop some drugs plus the drinks? Nothing like a bit of speed or what have you to liven up an elicit encounter?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

MattMatt said:


> Or they decided to drop some drugs plus the drinks? Nothing like a bit of speed or what have you to liven up an elicit encounter?


I dunno I think you’re either a cheater or you’re not. 

If you pass out drunk or you get taken out by roofies or something and you get taken advantage of that’s a different thing. 

If you’re moving between bars and hotels under your own power and such then you know enough of what is going on and what you’re doing.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


Needtotalkitout said:



I was able to find out her name, her age and he said he went down on her and kissed her that he didn’t have sex with her(after asking enough times it was because he couldn’t get it up, but he tried to.)

Click to expand...

** The Rules of Cheaters: ***

*Rule #1:* NEVER give the full truth - tell ONLY the very minimum you can get away with.​​_*Rule #2:*_ See Rule Number #1.​​_*Rule #3:*_ Blame it on alcohol, "FOO" issues (family of origin issues), any personality disorder you can literally just pull right out of your ass, peer pressure, a "sex or porn" addiction, and of course that old nugget, "I was sitting there minding my own business and reading my bible when this big, powerful woman came along and MADE me do it!"​
Stop obsessing over HER and what SHE was doing, OP. She's not your problem. *HE* is. How do you NOT see that??????

Jeez, you're worried about her telling him it's her Birthday and you're doing background checks on _her_? Your lying husband had no qualms about screwing around with some strange woman then coming back to your bed to sleep in it a couple hours later. What a freakin' disgrace this guy is and you're worried that SHE lied to him about where she works and her birthday? Come on.

As far as your comment, *"My husband has never done anything like this before,"* - the truth is, you have NO CLUE what he's done up til now. A month ago, you would have sworn he'd never do THIS either, yet here you are. See how things change in an instant, OP? Stop the blind trust - a lying POS who behaves like this DOESN'T deserve any trust (or respect) at all.

The only reason you probably got *ANY* truth at all out of him is likely because he had no CHOICE. Most cheaters don't "confess" by *choice* - they do it by necessity! They do it before someone _else_ gets to their spouse. You only got that "confession" from him for likely one of the following reasons:

1. he told you because he's an idiot and lacks the ability to make up a really good cover story on the fly
2. he told you because people from your son's baseball group probably saw him acting the fool and he was afraid they'd get to you FIRST (the most likely reason)
3. the coach told your husband he *wasn't *going to lie for him should you ask him any questions, so your husband knew he had to 'come clean' to you with the most innocent believable story he could come up with

He KNEW he was screwed and that you'd find out what he did, OP. So he did what they all do - he minimized and white-washed his story about what really happened. He supposedly managed to drink 12 drinks which insinuates he got to the "black out stage" - and therefore, had no clue what was he was doing. 😇 He also made sure his story to you ONLY included_* her*_ body being touched sexually, but not his - only SHE got naked, only SHE got touched, and except for kissing, you don't mention Mr. Wonderful claiming that anything sexual was done to him. That means he managed to keep EVERYTHING 'special' that's always been intimately special between you two, OP. Well isn't that a Christmas miracle that he managed to pull that off!

REALITY: while he may be a disrespectful POS and a complete idiot, even _he_ knows women seem to be a little more forgiving when they *think* their wonderful cheating husband hasn't shared that _*"special" *_intimacy with another woman that only they share (and no intercourse means he kept that "oh so special" part.) That's why you're likely getting the old, "I couldn't get it up" story - because it's easier to deal with your anger thinking they DIDN'T have intercourse.

Would *I *believe that steaming boatload of bull-**** he's selling you as the 100% truth?

*No ma'am, I would not.*

Nor should you.

Find your dignity and stop just accepting this type of scumbag behavior just because you're married to him, for God's sakes.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

If it was planned, it's a bit weird he chose to commit adultery in the same hotel where his wife was staying. Also, I don't agree that alcohol frees you of the inhibitions that stop you from doing what you are capable of doing anyway.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

OP, this likely isn't the first time he's DONE this.

It's just the first time you CAUGHT him.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

At home, does your husband go out and stay out all night without giving you updates of his whereabouts and status?? If I stumbled into my hotel room after 5am from an all night drinking bender, and my wife knew I'd been in the hotel for several hours, i wouldn't get a hug and be allowed to roll over and sleep, I'd get an a$$ chewing of epic proportion and an interrogation the NKVD would be proud of, but that's just me. He may of been inebriated, but he still knew exactly what he was doing and who he was doing it with, and wanted to do it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Did he rent another room, was it already her room or did he use the Coach's?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> Did he rent another room, was it already her room or did he use the Coach's?


it sounds like ******** to me... I mean, if they got back to the hotel together, how did he manage to get a room if he was really drunk? Maybe the woman did it. And why go back to the same hotel?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Needtotalkitout said:


> Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball.
> 
> The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer.
> 
> ...


You have gotten a lot of good advice. Let me add a few thoughts.

First, have him get tested for STD's. Yes even a man performing oral sex on a woman can get an STD. Then get yourself tested for STD's. 

It is completely your choice as to forgiving him or not. You get to decide. I don't believe he has been honest with you, but you probably need to assume he was honest up until the point he admits what really happened. However, if you do decide to not divorce him, then I suggest that you demand (as a condition of staying together) that he enroll in an alcohol addiction program. This is under the theory that he was honest with you about the 12 drinks. If he says he doesn't need to enroll, then ask if he lied to you about what he did after a night of drinking? Tell him that if the marriage is to survive, he needs to be honest with you. 

Also if you were my sister, I would advise you to get the two of you into marriage counseling, right away. The reason you need to get a good experienced marriage counselor (not one right out of college) is because there are some serious problems with your marriage and you need someone to referee the resolution of those problems.

At a minimum you will have months and/or years of trust issues with him and the two of you need how to manage the trust issues. More importantly, there are probably some deep underlying issues within our marriage that need to be worked out. 

You are absolutely right in not buying that "*.....he has(d) no idea how it happened*."

As I said above, you should get some solid professional marriage counseling since you want to stay and move on with your marriage. In particular you need to set explicit and clearly defined boundaries in regards to acceptable behavior on the part of your H for the marriage to remain in tact. That will probably require professional help in getting through to your H.

Since one of your questions was to try to understand what he was thinking, let me share with you an interesting article on the psychology of why people cheat. Please read it and discuss it (after you have started marriage counseling) with you H and the marriage counselor. Ask him which of the mental reasons he used to allow him to justify his actions in the heat of the moment. Make sure you discuss this to the point you both understand

11 things Cheaters think that justify their actions

*They Might Fear Conflict
They May Be Looking To Avoid Intimacy
They Might See Cheating As “Evening The Score”
They May Want To Explore Non-Monogamy
They’re Seeking Support From Relationship Troubles
They May Be Thrill-Seeking
Sex May Be Just Part Of The Equation
They Minimize Their Actions
They Could Have Low Self-Esteem Or Be Narcissistic 
They May Want To Change Themselves
They Could Be Trying Not To Hurt Their Partner*

You need to understand that the thought process used by cheaters and explained by the above concepts is pretty flawed on their part. However, it can provide you with insights into what they were thinking since you seemed to want to understand. You are better off focusing on actions and not words or the reasons your H gives you. You should establish clear boundaries for his behavior, including what you feel cheating is and clear expectations on his being honest with you as you try to rebuild your trust in him.

Good luck. You can always change your mind on trying to preserve the marriage, if he is not fully committed to rebuilding your relationship.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I’m sure he thought since you were sleeping you wouldn’t notice he came in late.
What else does he do when he spends time away from you? This seems like a usual deal - he’s used to doing this when you aren’t there to keep an eye on him.
He has no morals when you won’t find out.

have you spent time talking about it with him?
What is he willing to do to repair the damage he’s caused?
How does he expect he can become a man with a moral compass? I’d want to know exactly what he’s planning to do about this lousy situation he created.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Needtotalkitout said:


> He said that it was a miracle he found his way back. He did not seem that drunk to me but he said me being awake sobered him up because he was scared. When I hugged him he kept his face away from me.


He is lying through his teeth. Keep quiet and investigate


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## bricks (Aug 14, 2017)

Needtotalkitout said:


> Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball.
> 
> The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer.
> 
> ...





Needtotalkitout said:


> Our family went on a trip for our son who plays travel baseball.
> 
> The first night of our trip our son’s coach asked my husband to go out for a beer.
> 
> ...


 I am sorry. Your husband is not telling you the entire truth. Without even question, he lied about the 12 drinks and the woman's personal information. Lies are like cockroaches. You learn about one, there are many more you do not know about.

You can try to forgive all you want, but until he comes clean and is contrite, it will not work. It is HIS job to win your forgiveness and regain your trust. Is he trying to do that?

There is no more skillful liar than a cheating spouse. I know this from experience. You can tell yourself he is a good husband, good father. He is not. 

I would also lay money that this is not the first set of lies he has told you. Most cheating in a long standing relationship doesn't just happen as a opportunity that presented itself. (at least this has been my observation) The cheater has thought about it and tried to get up the nerve, create the opportunity, etc before the actual cheating started.

Sounds like the woman may be the mother of another player? The trip to the bar with the coach may have been a meet up previously planned. If so, the deception has been brewing in your back yard.

Regardless - having been through this and taken my husband back (he wanted to return and was contrite), I say throw him out. Sort it out later.


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