# Child blaming YOU for the divorce?



## Gonna Make It

So yesterday I was cooking collards and black eyes for new years. My second child, 14 yr old DD, didn't want to eat it. I said it was tradition and she threw in my face "We didn't follow any of the traditions for Christmas this year, why do we have to follow this one?" Basically she was pointing out that I did not go with them to her Grandparents house with my STBXW. The divorce was not my idea, but apparently I am to blame in her eyes. It really hurt.

So what do you do when your child blames you for the divorce?


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## lifeistooshort

Try not to take it personally. My older son is 14 and it's a tough age, she probably has a lot of feelings she doesn't know how to handle. Sit with her and tell her that you know it's hard for her and you're sorry about that, and sometimes life throws you curveballs. Then tell her it will be ok and ask her what she'd like to do to start a cool, new tradition. This is a lesson in how deal with sh!t you can't control, and there will be plenty of that in her life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr

Gonna Make It said:


> So yesterday I was cooking collards and black eyes for new years. My second child, 14 yr old DD, didn't want to eat it. I said it was tradition and she threw in my face "We didn't follow any of the traditions for Christmas this year, why do we have to follow this one?" Basically she was pointing out that I did not go with them to her Grandparents house with my STBXW. The divorce was not my idea, but apparently I am to blame in her eyes. It really hurt.
> 
> So what do you do when your child blames you for the divorce?


Some day your daughter will be an adult and can decide how to look back on the divorce and who to blame. For now though, you can't let it be a manipulation tool. If you feel disrespected then shut it down because it probably is. That being said, it's tough for older kids when their parents divorce so have a little tolerance too.

Sorry. I wasn't much help.


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## Blondilocks

Maybe she just doesn't like collards & blackeyed peas. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar.

In any event, remind yourself that she doesn't know the whole story and unless you really want to tell her the whole story, let this kind of statement roll off your back. She is a child, still.


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## Pluto2

Totally expected. 
Her world was ripped apart and she feels as though she no longer has solid ground to stand on. She is unsure what is going on and why-and most likely you were there when those emotions bubbled up. She doesn't have the life experience and maturity to understand how to process this, but good lord don't ever tell her that!
I would let her vent-a little-on you. Only enough that she continues to tell you how she feels. Keep reminding her that you are her father and you will always be there for her, and always love her. It also sounds like some counseling would help her sort through her feelings and fears.


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## Gonna Make It

We tried counseling a few months back. She "coincidentally" started cutting about the same time as I moved out. My STBXW thinks it is a coincident, me not so much. After one appt, my daughter told her that she did not want to go again and my X decided she did not have to as she would not open up to a counselor if she did not feel comfortable there. While I agree that she probably would not open up, I do not like that she just wants to sweep it all under the rug- well actually she is not sweeping it under the rug as her answer to it is to have my daughter show her her arms and legs every night to make sure she is not cutting herself- but there is little I can do about it. I talked to my therapist about it and he agreed that if she did not want to see a counselor that it would do no good to force her to go, he said that her searching her was also not helping things. So I am doing what he said, trying to talk to her and letting her know that I am here. The pain just keeps going on though. Now daughter will not respond to texts from me. I really worry about what her mother is telling her. I am the BS but my X always wants to play the victim because she is very controlling.


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## vms

My daughter blamed me for quite a while after the divorce. It was hard to explain it to her in a way she could really understand because you can't tell a 9/10/11 year old that you left her father because he couldn't keep his d*ck in his pants. She was almost 12 when I finally told her, in an age appropriate way, why I left him. She finally understood. It didn't change her opinion of him - his starting to abuse HER now certainly has. 

I guess what I'm saying is, only you can decide how much to tell her. My daughter had to know the truth to understand, and to let go of the pain she was carrying around. Only by talking to your daughter can you determine how much of the truth she needs to start healing.


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## Gonna Make It

Well, she knows that her mother was the one who asked for a divorce. But I cannot bring myself to tell her that her mother left me for another woman, I do not know if it is pride or trying to protect her. I do not have proof that her mother was having an affair with her BFF, but all the signs point to it (the keeping her phone with her, the staying out late hours past her classes getting out at school, the 4 blue million calls and texts to the same number, the pulling away, the dressing nicer and getting fitter and putting on makeup to go out with her BFF, the lack of sex) and yes I am sure that the friend was not a cover for another man. So how do you tell your DD that her mother is at least bi if not outright gay? I cannot hurt her like that, this is the woman that she looks up to. And a part of me thinks she already "knows" it, her brother (18 almost 19) and I talked about it a few months ago and he suspected the same thing, that her mother and the BFF were lovers- he even asked her and she denied it to him as well. She did not have to worry about him "approving" of her preferences as he has several friends who are in the GLTB community. No, I am just stuck being the bad guy whatever I choose. Either I chose to leave or I destroy her image of her mother. No way to win in this for me.


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## Pluto2

OP, try to remember, no matter what you actually say to DD, that you are not the one who is destroying her image of her mother. Any image she has sounds like a sham, and mom did this all on her own. I am a fierce advocate for honesty with kids. I promise you she knows some gays at school so that part won't necessarily freak her out. If you can't get into the details I understand, but do not ever cover for mom.
Keep being the responsible parent, keep all communication open, and never rag on mom. If you find out mom says something bad about you correct it immediately and let DD and mom know that you will never tolerate that. I know how hard this is, but you can do it. Your DD is lucky to have a father who cares so much and later on she will understand that too.


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## Miss Taken

My spouse and I were seperated for a time - about a year on account of his infidelity.

I was the primary parent/had primary custody. During that time, I was also the one that received the brunt of negative emotions and lashing out by our oldest son about the separation. I understand how painful it is to be the BS and then have the additional blows of having your child lash out at/blame you for everything. When my son was with his dad, he was sweet as pie, never gave attitude/anger and never hunched over sobbing his broken heart out as he did with me.

In my case I was the "safe" parent. I was a steady constant, my love unconditional etc. My son did not lash out at dad or show him any negative or painful emotions because their relationship at the time was very insecure. Consciously/unconsciously my son knew that no matter what he said/did I would be there for him. On a positive note, it spoke to the trust/security our son feels/felt towards me. On the negative side, it also meant that I got to eat all of the "sh!t sandwiches" our son flung my way during the separation while dealing with my own pain/trauma from the affair and seperation. Meanwhile my spouse got to remain blissfully unaware about the hurt this caused while playing Disney Dad to our boys. 

Unsure if this applies to you and your daughter but I shared it in case it does relate to what you're going through. If so, daughter's vitriol is directed at you because she can't show that kind of hurt to her mother and it needs to go somewhere.


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## Gonna Make It

I don't know. I try to be a good dad and at times I think that I am. She asks now to hang out with friends and even asks if they can come over. When we were a "family" she never did either of those things. Sometimes I think that she does it because she feels safe here, other times I think she does it because she really does not want to spend time with me and having that friend over or going with a friend means she does not have to deal with me. I know that could just be my anxiety and self esteem talking but then again it could be the truth.


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## Miss Taken

It could be that she doesn't want to spend time with you or uses a friend as a go-between so she doesn't have to spend quality or one-on-one time. However although you're going through a divorce/seperation, although you may or may not have some conflict with daughter that's attributed to that; it could just be her being fourteen. 

It's smart to be sensitive to the situation in it's entireity. Some of this can be because of the divorce, however I'm almost certain that not all of it is. It's probably best not to take it personally (easier said than done). But I say that because even if your marriage was a success with no infidelity and your wife and you were still together - there is a good chance daughter would be pushing you away and distancing herself because she's a teen and teens do that.


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## NobodySpecial

Gonna Make It said:


> Well, she knows that her mother was the one who asked for a divorce. But I cannot bring myself to tell her that her mother left me for another woman, I do not know if it is pride or trying to protect her. I do not have proof that her mother was having an affair with her BFF, but all the signs point to it (the keeping her phone with her, the staying out late hours past her classes getting out at school, the 4 blue million calls and texts to the same number, the pulling away, the dressing nicer and getting fitter and putting on makeup to go out with her BFF, the lack of sex) and yes I am sure that the friend was not a cover for another man. So how do you tell your DD that her mother is at least bi if not outright gay? I cannot hurt her like that, this is the woman that she looks up to.


Why would her mother being gay be hurtful?


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## Gonna Make It

Oh let's see. Finding that your mother strayed outside of marriage? That she did it with someone who was supposed to be her best friend but really had no concern for her family? That she had this woman over often and told her they were friends when they were "friends". Do I need to go on.


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## NobodySpecial

Gonna Make It said:


> Oh let's see. Finding that your mother strayed outside of marriage? That she did it with someone who was supposed to be her best friend but really had no concern for her family? That she had this woman over often and told her they were friends when they were "friends". Do I need to go on.


Ok I can see why those things would be hurtful. But they are the truth and need to be dealt with directly. I thought you meant that Mom being gay was going to be hurtful somehow.


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## Pluto2

GonnaMakeIt, I think her asking to have friends over is a fabulous sign for a 14yr. She's getting older and should be socializing, so her doing this is a very healthy sign. She wants to do it in front of you (big plus), she's willing to have her friends see you (big plus).
Don't take it as an avoidance, it really sounds like a natural time of social growth. Frankly I'd be much more concerned if she were isolating herself.


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## Shipwreck

Gonna Make It said:


> So how do you tell your DD that her mother is at least bi if not outright gay? I cannot hurt her like that, this is the woman that she looks up to.


Why would she look down on her gay mother?

Also, after the divorce, pay close attention to what your xw shares with your daughter. Ask your daughter questions about the visit. Don't assume that everyone is doing the noble thing. It wasn't until years later that I found out my xw filled our daughters heads with all kinds of nifty lies but by then the damage was done.


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## DoF

Answer "kids know EXACTLY where it hurts"

Ignore, remind yourself about the truth, smile and live on.

By the next day, she probably won't even remember what she said to you......

It's as big of a deal as YOU make it.

I would follow up with discussion on the subject about a week later when things are more calm.......and tell her exactly how the divorce went down/what happen/truth.


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## Jetoroal

I blamed my dad for many years even though my mom initiated the divorce. It's always bad on the children. Now as an adult however I have rekindled my relationship with my father.
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