# Being Rewarded?



## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

We ll be 3 years from D Day this coming summer . WH still working hard on proving he s sorry , proving I can trust him etc 

We re working on relationship/marriage etc .
I ve lost weight , take more care of myself etc . We have date nights and all seems good . . . .and yet 

Sometimes I feel he s being rewarded . He strayed I allowed him to stay . He s got a better wife and sex life . Our marriage is getting better so sometimes I feel like by being unfaithful he s got what he wanted . Thought please from WS and BS ?


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> We ll be 3 years from D Day this coming summer . WH still working hard on proving he s sorry , proving I can trust him etc
> 
> We re working on relationship/marriage etc .
> I ve lost weight , take more care of myself etc . We have date nights and all seems good . . . .and yet
> ...


Sometimes I think the same thing. But I of course I realize that there are two issues here, her infidelity, and our marriage. The fact that she chose to handle our marriage issues the wrong way does not mean our marriage wasn't broken. If I wouldn't have changed along with my WW, our marriage would still be broken. When I decided to reconcile and forgive her, it was kind of like starting over. I told her what I needed to heal and I listened to the reasons SHE gave for cheating. The ones that were BS I told her so. The ones that were legit, I worked on changing, though I made no promises and she made no demands. The result has been a stronger and better marraige. She may have gotten what she "wanted", but she realizes fully the price SHE paid and how easy it would have been just to talk to me rather than just give up, detach and cheat on me. Yes she has a better husband and better marriage *BUT*, I have a better marriage and a better wife too. Can't really have one without the other.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

[QUOTE. Yes she has a better husband and better marriage *BUT*, I have a better marriage and a better wife too. Can't really have one without the other.[/QUOTE]

Yes I can see what you re saying but she got a better marriage through selfishness - you got it through pain


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Yes He is rewarded if the marriage is better and his sex life is better. You gave that to him when you stayed. Since you chose to do that I would say concentrate on the improvement of the marriage vs the reward he achieved with bad behavior.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> > Yes she has a better husband and better marriage *BUT*, I have a better marriage and a better wife too. Can't really have one without the other.
> 
> 
> Yes I can see what you re saying but she got a better marriage through selfishness - you got it through pain


Well that's the conundrum. It's the decision I had to make when I decided to reconcile, but it was *my* decision. But believe me she has felt the pain and still is. I saw it in her eyes on d-day and its still there a year and a half later. I would never have reconciled if I truly didn't believe she wasn't feeling true remorse (pain). I have caused her a lot of pain in the 36 years we've been married, and while that is *no* excuse for What she did to me, I do believe it does entitle her to a second chance.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> Sometimes I feel he s being rewarded . He strayed I allowed him to stay . He s got a better wife and sex life . Our marriage is getting better so sometimes I feel like by being unfaithful he s got what he wanted . Thought please from WS and BS ?


So basically you're admitting you were dilatory at giving him what he wanted before he decided to check out other options.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> So basically you're admitting you were dilatory at giving him what he wanted before he decided to check out other options.


I'm sure he was just as "dilatory" but that didn't make ilovechocolate drop her panties at the first opportunity to come along...

@OP: Cheaters who are allowed to reconcile are always in a way rewarded. They got to feel good before they "felt bad". You just feel bad then worse. It's comes with swallowing your pride and letting them get away with stomping all over you. There's nothing you can do about it. You want them back so badly then you will have to feel that sting to your pride and that slight ache from resentment for the rest of your relationship. It's a non-negotiable deal.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> So basically you're admitting you were dilatory at giving him what he wanted before he decided to check out other options.


There were faults both sides . Are u saying I deserved to be cheated on cos not all his needs were being met ??


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

When the BS decides to R, yes, the WS gets rewarded with a shiny new marriage. It's part of the price of R that the BS pays.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

If he's truly been involved in the reconciliation process, then it's been hard work for him, too. Breaking off the relationship, genuine remorse, and so on, are not done overnight and solved by the morning. Having a better marriage is the result of the efforts of both of you, I'm sure.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Does he have your complete trust? Can he slack off without it going unoticed? What he did is a terrible thing, and if he is truly remorseful he has to live with it for the rest of his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> There were faults both sides . Are u saying I deserved to be cheated on cos not all his needs were being met ??


I was being tongue n cheek at your comment, "I feel like by being unfaithful he s got what he wanted". You tell me if that's what it took for the apparent wake up call. Would you have lost weight , take more care of yourself, have date nights, and as you put it, "become a better wife and sex life" if this didn't happen? 
My observation is that spouses don't cheat if romantic interest is high. (I know, some do, but typically they won't).


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## Laurel (Oct 14, 2013)

I struggled with this at first too. Here's what I think though. If he came back after the infidelity, demanded you change (and you did everything he ever wanted) but he just went back to his old ways and acted like he never did anything wrong, then yeah, I think that would be being rewarded for being a cheater. But if after three years he is still proving himself, still remorseful for what happened and the marriage is overall in a happy place, then the reward is to both of you for all the hard work you have done since the devastation of D-Day and your mutual commitment to stay together. 

It is very hard to reconcile the fact that the discovery of my own H's infidelity and the fact we almost got divorced was the catalyst for the ultimate repair of our marriage (and how happy and connected we are right now). It was a bomb that forced us to finally examine and deal with the underlying issues in our marriage. 

We both desperately wish we could go back in time and do things differently from the beginning. I know I wasn't perfect either (of course, this in no way excuses his cheating). The thing we both wish most of all is that the infidelity had never happened and that we could have fixed all our problems before it ever happened. But that's just a painful fact that can never be changed. 

When we decided to stay together, we each had a list of things that the other needed for the relationship to continue. Of course I had my times of "why should I do anything for him, he should be groveling at my feet for the rest of his life." But I quickly realized that I didn't want a marriage where I was forever punishing him for what he did. I wanted to be happy. And a truly happy marriage takes sacrifice and consideration on the parts of both people. 

Both of us are now enjoying the reward of a happy marriage because of all the hard work that occurred after the terrible devastation of D-Day. Our old marriage is dead. Our new one is what I always dreamed of. He has become the man I always wanted. We have new rules, new boundaries and a completely different marriage from the one we had before. 

Even though the discovery of his infidelity is what ultimately brought us to where we are now, he is very thankful for the second chance he got. He knows what his actions almost cost him. And he knows that if it ever happens again, there will not be a third chance.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> My observation is that spouses don't cheat if romantic interest is high. (I know, some do, but typically they won't).


According to Shirley Glass 56% of cheating married men admit they have happy or even great marriages when they start cheating.

Glass's opinion is that most infidelity is not due to not getting enough at home, but not giving enough at home.

Not giving enough at home, combined with poor boundaries leads to most cases of infidelity. At least that's Shirley Glass' opinion.

I am inclined to agree.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> According to Shirley Glass 56% of cheating married men admit they have happy or even great marriages when they start cheating.
> 
> Glass's opinion is that most infidelity is not due to not getting enough at home, but not giving enough at home.
> 
> ...


Wow, that second sentence is kind of scary.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> Glass's opinion is that most infidelity is not due to not getting enough at home, but not giving enough at home.


This may very well be true in *MOST* cases of infidelity, but I know for a fact that it isn't true in *ALL* cases of infidelity. It certainly wasn't in mine.

Have I been "rewarded" with a better marriage since my infidelity? Yes, I have, but so has my husband. There is no way on God's green Earth that either of us would ever be willing to go back to the marriage we had pre-A or during the A. There is truly no such thing as a one-sided happy marriage. If only one spouse is "happy" in the marriage, then it isn't really a "happy marriage." If the "happy" spouse is either oblivious to, or unconcerned with, the unhappiness of their partner, (assuming the unhappy spouse has communicated their feelings) it isn't a happy marriage, at all. My husband had become content to be discontent, for the remainder of our lives, apparently, and decided that it was my duty to accept that as "our" lot in life. I told him that I could no longer bear to live that way........ not for one more day. That was after years of my asking, begging, pleading and demanding that we work, together, to repair our broken marriage, all to no avail. All the while, I was working on improving myself, for my own benefit, his benefit, and for the benefit of our marriage. I lost weight, exercised and went to IC, alone, for 2 1/2 years, because he wouldn't go with me for more than a handful of MC sessions. 

After D-Day, it was apparent that neither of us desired to attempt to go back to our "old marriage." After a few weeks of indecision, on both of our parts, we made the decision, together, that we were going to put 100% of our efforts into trying to build a new marriage. 

If you can't make it better post A, then why bother? I really don't see how you can "punish" your spouse for a prolonged period of time, without punishing yourself in the process. By the same token, true improvements, that have a positive impact on, both, yourself, and the relationship, should be rewarding for both of you.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

soccermom2three said:


> Wow, that second sentence is kind of scary.


How on earth is the suggestion that a wayward isn't contributing 100% into their marriage scary???


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Glass's opinion is that most infidelity is not due to not getting enough at home, but not giving enough at home.


Kinda a heads I win, tails I win statement from old Shirley. If one person is not giving enough, the other is not getting enough. So I can't disagree. 
If she is saying however, that the one cheating is not giving enough at home, I've never seen a situation where the WS says, " hey guys, I started looking for an affair partner because I wasn't giving my spouse enough love, respect, attention, etc. at home."



EI said:


> I really don't see how you can "punish" your spouse for a prolonged period of time, without punishing yourself in the process.


I could take a well deserved azz kicking for my behavior and would expect to be on probation until I could prove myself. But for prolonged punishment, its like my uncle would say, "if you want to keep whipping that horse, you better have him tied where he can't get loose, else he's gonna run away."


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> Sometimes I feel he s being rewarded . He strayed I allowed him to stay . He s got a better wife and sex life . Our marriage is getting better so sometimes I feel like by being unfaithful he s got what he wanted . Thought please from WS and BS ?



I'm getting divorced so the circumstances of my situation are diametrically different but I also feel that my husband's being rewarded for cheating on me. In my case the reward has $ signs on it. Writing him a fat check after having been played for a fool for almost three months is a bitter pill to swallow.

But hey.... _"We're on Earth. There's no cure for that."_ .


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> Kinda a heads I win, tails I win statement from old Shirley. If one person is not giving enough, the other is not getting enough. So I can't disagree.


That does not necessarily follow no. They may both be not contributing enough into the marriage. Many BS admit that without an argument at all.

Infidelity is an illegitimate way to demonstrate dissatisfaction in a marriage. It's dramatic, it's destructive, and it's hurtful. It does not solve the problem, it only increases the dissatisfaction exponentially.



ThePheonix said:


> If she is saying however, that the one cheating is not giving enough at home, I've never seen a situation where the WS says, " hey guys, I started looking for an affair partner because I wasn't giving my spouse enough love, respect, attention, etc. at home."


Whether a WS claims they aren't giving enough or not really has no bearing here.

Her point as I read it is simply that spouses who invest more time into their marriage, are less inclined to cheat.

That makes perfect sense to me. 

Of course, no WS is going to admit they were shortchanging their marriage pre-affair. But I suspect most are to some degree. Many affairs start with a "tuning out" phase early on... a tuning out of the marriage, followed by a tuning in to members of the opposite sex outside the marriage.



ThePheonix said:


> I could take a well deserved azz kicking for my behavior and would expect to be on probation until I could prove myself. But for prolonged punishment, its like my uncle would say, "if you want to keep whipping that horse, you better have him tied where he can't get loose, else he's gonna run away."


How long a probation does one assign to cheating?

I wasn't aware that the cheating spouse had the right to decide the duration of their own probation in the first place.

That's a bit of a conflict of interest there isn't it?

I would like to think human beings are more self-aware of their misbehavior than a horse is. I would like to think a wayward spouse in R would be prepared to own their behavior, even under duress. It's not like the WS is the only one who suffers during a R.

"I can't take my wife's constant anger for my cheating on her... I am outa here..." sounds kinda selfish to me.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> How long a probation does one assign to cheating?
> 
> I wasn't aware that the cheating spouse had the right to decide the duration of their own probation in the first place.
> 
> ...


You can't base it what ought to happen. Everybody has their own tolerance level. The fact that the WS gave into the temptation may be an indicator as to their pain threshold. I haven't made a secret of my belief that most infidelity is a manifestation of other problems in the marriage. If the WS has to deal with the same problems plus BS doling out long and harsh punishment, it can't help the situation. I've always felt the best solution is first divorce, then reconcile. It tends to clean the slate.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

ilovechocoale

*You have not fully forgiven and/or are concentrating too much on fairness/justice.*


*Forgiveness means that you cancel the debt that the offender has incurred*; that is why forgiveness is so hard. Forgiveness also releases you from stress and emotional turmoil and is about helping you. Forgiveness may also help the offender but that is up to the offender. 

Perhaps you are getting troubled because you think about the justice/fairness of your situation. Here is a fact that is not real popular; THIS WORLD IS NOT FAIR!!!


Sometimes after you have been shyt on you have to make the best of it. I did not make those rules but that is the way it is. So you can dwell on how some one else is getting what you think that they should not get or you can concentrate on the fact that you are an outstanding woman that has taken a shyty situation and made it better.
Ever heard of the saying “accentuate the positive, eliminate the negative”?

*I know you may not like my post but what other choices did you have?*You can plan to make him suffer, you can take away his rewards, you can fret over how marriage and infidelity is not fair, you can watch him suffer and you may enjoy that for a short time, and you can do a lot of other things that you think is fair.
*Do you think those choices will help YOU?*


Here are my thoughts about you. You have been dealt a terrible blow but you have recovered a lot, are enjoying life, and you have improved YOU! *My advice is to make sure you have fully forgiven, stop worrying and fretting about the injustice of life, and use your energy on you keep getting yourself better*. That way you win more. Do not be upset because you have helped your husband get better and he is having a better life. Who knows, you may need some forgiveness some day for your wrongs and I hope that you can recover and enjoy the good things in life.

*Forget about making your husband pay for his shyt, do what is best for YOU! *


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> I haven't made a secret of my belief that most infidelity is a manifestation of other problems in the marriage.


Well, Shirley Glass, author of _Not Just Friends_ has done over two decades of research into the subject and she's not in agreement.

Particularly with men, most of them will cheat even if the marriage is a good or even great one. 56% according to her survey in her book.

I am hesitant to associate infidelity and marital problems in any way, this shifts blame into the wrong place.

I categorize infidelity along with drinking, drugs, gambling, and all other short term impulsive individual actions that result in homes deteriorating into a war zone.

I don't categorize infidelity as a martial problem, to my mind infidelity is an individual failing.

Yes, individual failings can often manifest themselves when households are in crisis or trouble, but I would hardly blame the household for that individual failing. I would not even discuss them in the same paragraph. It's far too easy to shift blame into the wrong place.

People drink when their marriages are on the rocks, but you don't see any alcoholic blaming their marriage for their excessive drinking habits. No one would accept that rubbish.

Affairs seem to get a free ride in this respect, unlike other individual acts of impulse that are equally destructive. Uneducated people involved with infidelity, either directly or as an observer will readily accept marital issues as an explanation for cheating spouses.

No one on here would try that or accept it. We know better. But this forum's position is not the norm. Far from it unfortunately.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> Particularly with men, most of them will cheat even if the marriage is a good or even great one. 56% according to her survey in her book.


Oh hell, men are generally are hounds and I was one of the worst. I've never written a book but I did a lot of "research" on women. I believe in the majority of cases of a wife's infidelity, you will uncover problems, and oftentimes, bad problems and incompatibility in the marriage. This particular focused topic (coping with infidelity) indicates that.
I am not saying these problem are the other spouses fault or infidelity is a proper reaction. You mentioned drinking as a reaction some have to a rocky marriage. I'm saying infidelity is another reaction. I ain't saying its the right path to take.
Its just me, but if I got into an affair as a reaction, excuse, or whatever folks want to call it, to marital issues, I wouldn't be interested in reconciliation unless all the issues were addressed. When folks go through a successful reconciliation and report things are better than ever, it appears to me all marital issues have been addressed; not just the infidelity.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

For R of the marriage to start, each individual needs to clean up their own house first. If someone is cheating, drinking, using drugs, gambling, etc.. that crap has to stop before you can work as a couple.

Absolutely the marital issues must be addressed, but I have zero confidence there's any point in even looking at the marriage until the individual acting out is stopped, and enough maturity to "fight fair" is developed by any parties acting out.

We seem to be on the same page. My only concern is discussing marital issues while infidelity or any individual acting out is going on has a tendency to make false connections. Infidelity in particular is notorious for inviting people to criticize the marriage. Cheaters blame the marriage, betrayed spouses even blame the marriage. Third person affair partner's blame the marriage. Friends, relatives, you name it.

I just make a habit of keeping them as separate as church and state.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> We seem to be on the same page.


I agree.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Allen_A said:


> For R of the marriage to start, each individual needs to clean up their own house first. *If someone is cheating, drinking, using drugs, gambling, etc.. that crap has to stop before you can work as a couple.*


AMEN Allen, _*AMEN*_! I get so tired of hearing some people say (including some therapists) that things like cheating, drinking or even lying are 'marital' issues. 

But even though they're not marital issues, I don't believe that they're 'issues' so much as they are _symptoms_ of the underlying issues. 

From what I've read, I've seen that the majority of cheaters have cited selfishness and egotism (narcissism) as the 'root' causes of their decision to cheat. They were thinking ONLY of themselves and placed their own happiness above that of their partner/spouse. 

Vega


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Vega said:


> AMEN Allen, _*AMEN*_! I get so tired of hearing some people say (including some therapists) that things like cheating, drinking or even lying are 'marital' issues.
> 
> But even though they're not marital issues, I don't believe that they're 'issues' so much as they are _symptoms_ of the underlying issues.
> 
> ...


Well, once you recognize cheating/promiscuous behavior as an individual issue, it really isn't part of the marital discussion anymore.

The only conversation to have is treatment, IF the cheating spouse is willing to enter into treatment.

If they won't, not unlike an alcoholic, you have to stop enabling them, and get away from them.

Drinking, gambling, drugs, all of it pretty much involves deception... promiscuous behavior included. When the behavior gets bad, the deception is near non existent and then the spouse is just acting out overtly... just doesn't' care anymore. Bottom of the barrel at that point.

If they won't even admit they are cheating/that they have a problem, there's not much you can do to repair that.

I really don't trust cheater's self analysis that much.. we are delving deep into psychology now.

I think the motivations for cheating aren't that much different than they are for any of the rest of it... 

Bad home growing up
Bad role models
Fear of intimacy

etc etc etc

At some point you just have to say enough is enough. The motives aren't as important as the behavior simply stopping.

I really am not concerned if someone came from a violent home or anything like that. It's tragic, but that fact does not stop the infidelity or abuse happening in these homes.

To my mind too much analysis just leads to paralysis.

I think here at least, all we need to do is help people get away from the abuse, or to convince the person to stop cheating and get some treatment.

But good treatment for cheaters is hard to find when you have so many marital therapists out there STILL blaming the marriage for causing the affair.

All you can hope to do is keep getting the word out there.

Infidelity/Cheating/Promiscuous behavior is an individual failing. I firmly believe that's the case. Bad homes make it easier to act out, but ultimately it's the choice of the individual to improve the home or to act out like an adolescent.

If they are going to cheat, that's on them.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> ilovechocoale
> 
> *You have not fully forgiven and/or are concentrating too much on fairness/justice.*
> 
> ...


You are wrong Mr Blunt - I liked your post a lot . It has given me food for thought . I think some times there s so much emotion and pain you need some one to tell it like it is. Thankyou


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

So it seems that everyone agree, that infidelity is an individual failure, but what I don't get is, why you all seem to agree that it must be something within the relationship that is a catalyst for this failure?

I'm just a strong believer in personal responsibilty, and I also believe that it can be anything in this persons environment that causes the tendency to betray.

On a side note and in relation to OP, I don't believe for a second that my wife feels rewarded. I've heard her say that her infidelity was the biggest mistake of her life. She's not going to get the same marriage back, and not a better one either - just different. I've changed yes, something for the better, something for worse, and the flipside is, she won't get a 100% of me ever again.

No rewards there.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

ilovechocolate said:


> We ll be 3 years from D Day this coming summer . *WH still working hard on proving he s sorry, proving I can trust him etc
> *
> We're working on relationship/marriage etc .
> I've lost weight, take more care of myself etc . We have date nights and all seems good . . . .and yet
> ...


He's working so hard on it that you are feeling good and you say your marriage is getting better. 

He has been winning you back for 3 years and is doing a good job. 

But I guess the truth is he will never win you back 100%. There will always be little misgivings, those little feelings of disappointment. Every marriage has some degree of disappointment. But if either spouse brings a third person into it, that is the hardest of all disappointments to bear. 

I think what you are feeling is unavoidable and understandable and something that you will have to live with. 

Your post is a good example of what's so often said on TAM, "R is really difficult." 

BTW, I love chocolate too.


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## Regret214 (Apr 22, 2012)

Dig always says, "I hate how we got here, but I'm glad we're here."

Being the WS during reconciliation is the most humbling, guilt ridden experience of my life. I know he could've walked out with his head held high many times during the last two years and I wouldn't have blamed him. His giving ME a second chance is not taken lightly to this day as I'm sure it is with your husband.

My affair showed us the absolute worst side of me. His selflessness shows us the best side. Don't think that doesn't make me feel like crap a lot of times.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

cpacan said:


> but what I don't get is, why you all seem to agree that it must be something within the relationship that is a catalysist for this failure?


I don't think its a "one size fits all" proposition or that the catalyst, as you fittingly call it, is necessarily the genesis of both spouses or primarily the betrayed spouse. Nonetheless, there is a catalyst and it may be solely inherent in only the wayward spouse. As in any willful tort someone commits, there is always pressure, opportunity, and justification. The pressure is the tortfeasor's perception of the environment. It may or may not not be consistent with reality, but its there.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I don't think its a "one size fits all" proposition or that the catalyst, as you fittingly call it, is necessarily the genesis of both spouses or primarily the betrayed spouse. Nonetheless, there is a catalyst and it may be solely inherent in only the wayward spouse. As in any willful tort someone commits, there is always pressure, opportunity, and justification. The pressure is the tortfeasor's perception of the environment. It may or may not not be consistent with reality, but its there.


Thanks for the clarification, it was nice to have it from you.

When someone says "Yummy, yummy, must have this on the side, no one knows, no one gets hurt", how does that fit with your criteria? What's the pressure component for instance?


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

ILC, I hear what you are saying, please don't think in terms of rewards, but in terms of commitment. You are committed in your marriage. The vows you spoke on your wedding day, you took seriously. Because of his stupidity, he has altered the course of your lives, forever. Now he is the one that will have to prove to you on a daily basis, that he will be a good husband. He has a whole lot of earth moving to make that happen. IMHO, you are in a position of advantage. I say this because you are good, faithful, honest, supportive, loving, caring and person. To that I say where was someone like you when I was on my quest for love. Not rewarding but committed. Make him earn your trust and love, if he has a speck of humility, he will do this. He will fall from time to time, but oh well he did this to himself. Good luck.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

cpacan said:


> So it seems that everyone agree, that infidelity is an individual failure, but what I don't get is, why you all seem to agree that it must be something within the relationship that is a catalysist for this failure?
> 
> I'm just a strong believer in personal responsibilty, and I also believe that it can be anything in this persons environment that causes the tendency to betray.
> 
> ...



Not all agree that the cheating spouse is being pushed by the faithful one to have an affair. Certainly wasn't true in my case as I loved my x the same from date of marriage to the day I found out that she had an affair. I think some people want to cling to the notion that it must be something wrong that caused the other person to look in the first place. Again not true in all cases.

What my personal experience, and a few others I know, has shown me is that to have a truly successful marriage two people have to be committed to one another and the relationship as a whole. But to destroy a marriage....well that can be done by one person entirely. And no matter what the other spouse does it can't be repaired. 

I never believed in divorce or that my x would cheat. Thought we would be together forever and we were both happy up until she met the other guy at work. Our marriage ended the moment she slept with him and divorce was only a formality. Anyone who can know that their spouse slept with someone else and can move past that is very impressive to me. I wouldn't have been able to do it even had I been given that option.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

When I caught my ex-fiancee cheating, I had foolish (but fleeting) thoughts of "maybe we can work through this." However, fortunately, I had already been on TAM so I knew how crazy a thought it was. Thank god. 

One of the many thoughts swirling in my mind, during that whole period, was that IF we somehow managed to work, or even try to, she was being rewarded. She went out and cheated with a dbag coworker who had a well known and earned reputation of making moves on women regardless of their marital status. So she cheated with this loser, and her reward? Getting to stay in her then-current relationship? One of the many things that ran through my mind.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

Rottdad42 said:


> ILC, I hear what you are saying, please don't think in terms of rewards, but in terms of commitment. You are committed in your marriage. The vows you spoke on your wedding day, you took seriously. Because of his stupidity, he has altered the course of your lives, forever. Now he is the one that will have to prove to you on a daily basis, that he will be a good husband. He has a whole lot of earth moving to make that happen. IMHO, you are in a position of advantage. I say this because you are good, faithful, honest, supportive, loving, caring and person. To that I say where was someone like you when I was on my quest for love. Not rewarding but committed. Make him earn your trust and love, if he has a speck of humility, he will do this. He will fall from time to time, but oh well he did this to himself. Good luck.


Thank u for your comments . I m so grateful for the day I found this site .


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> I don't think its a "one size fits all" proposition or that the catalyst, as you fittingly call it, is necessarily the genesis of both spouses or primarily the betrayed spouse. Nonetheless, there is a catalyst and it may be solely inherent in only the wayward spouse. As in any willful tort someone commits, there is always pressure, opportunity, and justification. The pressure is the tortfeasor's perception of the environment. It may or may not not be consistent with reality, but its there.





cpacan said:


> Thanks for the clarification, it was nice to have it from you.
> 
> When someone says "Yummy, yummy, must have this on the side, no one knows, no one gets hurt", how does that fit with your criteria? What's the pressure component for instance?



You know, despite the obvious differences in your points of view, I respect both of your opinions and contributions in CWI. So, for the benefit of this simple southern gal, can y'all dumb this down just a little bit, 'cuz it just flew right over my head. 

One more thing........


*GO KENTUCKY WILDCATS!!! #BBN*


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