# An ultimatum at its worst



## Continuum (Apr 25, 2016)

Firstly, I am new here. I reach out to this site, as many probably do, to seek help and possibly advice from otherschool that may have gone through something similar. With this in mind. I give a quick story. I found my partner in crime when I was 24 she 22. We got married a little over year later and it was fantastic with the few hiccups and obstacles. 3 years later we purchased a house and then found the financial woes of the house to begin taking a toll on us. In my mind it was just another hurdle for us. 

6 months later she goes through new jobs and ends up at her current job. It began with a large workload and new environment which started to cause an excess amount of stress. She sought help. With the counselor new discoveries came about. Fear of turning into mom (bipolar, deceitful, gambling addictions, infidelit). Basically, a lot of bad juju and so she began to remove her from her life. My wife was then diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, and so we began our new hurdle of moving through this together.

I also began to experience problems with the work place that caused excess stress and borderline depression. I let it get to me, and instead of communicating this with my partner, I chose to keep it in with the thought that I was protecting her from more stress. It took a further toll on us. I was not sexually active, on work days i would be irritable and snappy. I did this when she was showing interest in me and craving for my attention. I bought material objects trying to fill my desire for joy. I essentially blocked out the most important person in my life. 

Then it happened. She sits me down and tells me she is angry. She doesn't love me anymore because she felt I ignored her for too long. She is angry at me about finances, and a few other things. She was ready to walk out but her family asked her to try and give it a shot.

I then broke down, I let her know everything that was bothering me about work, and the house, and how I didn't think I could tell her because it would cause her more pain. In our crying mess we decide we will try to work on it. I called a therapist and began my process of removing the stresses out of my life. I made the conscious decision of not getting stressed about work and moneyand focus on rebuilding the love. 

I began to cook again, clean, and "be me" again. This had a negative effect on my wife though. She felt smothered and withdrew. She withdrew to a point where she cheated on me with a coworker who was "the supportive friend" in her distress. This was a one time event and she felt overwhelming guilt. Told me about it the next day. While I was angry, I was more so hurt. But I was willing to move past this, because I knew that my wife was not being herself. 

Today. We have gotten to the worst possibly point to me She states she loves me but doesn't know if she is in love with me. She feels that I can't possibly love her because she did what she did. She has been trying to push me away by saying that she is no good for her and she is crazy. 

Let me add that she also feels she doesn't know who she is and what makes her happy. She feels this because she was never truly single. She met me about a month after her 6 year relationship with a compete ass hole who put her down, and made her feel like **** all the time.

I have and continue to be suportive through this but feel she is making a rash decision. She is in conflict with her mind. Part of her wants to try and make it work, but more of her is in tears thinking it couldn't possibly work out. I even helped her look for an apartment if that is what she wanted, but I am asking her to stay. She then mentioned she doesn't think she can afford to live on her own and pay me a share of the mortgage. I told her that wasn't an option. I have asked that she make a decision now. If she stays, it is to try and make this relationship work. Or she has to leave, because it wouldn't be fair to me for her to stay as (friends). And no, I'm not interested in anyone else, I just can't be put on the back burner while she decides what is convenient. 

It hurts me to watch her struggle. She is living off Adderall and Xanax. She has mentioned on multiple cases that suicide has crossed her mind, so that she could get rid of the **** in her mind. I reached out to her family immediately since because I'm nervous. Now that my life story is out there, I am lost. I don't know what I should do. Should I have her stay in hopes that she feels live for me again? Will she be able to discover "who she is" with me by her side? Should I do legal seperation and hope she doesn't cheat on me again? Do I just go ahead and ask for a divorce and hope she finds happiness on her own? 

We have another therapist visit in a couple days but so far it hasn't gotten us far and things have progressed exponentially on a daily basis. Any advice would be much appreciated.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Continuum said:


> Firstly, I am new here. I reach out to this site, as many probably do, to seek help and possibly advice from otherschool that may have gone through something similar. With this in mind. I give a quick story. I found my partner in crime when I was 24 she 22. We got married a little over year later and it was fantastic with the few hiccups and obstacles. 3 years later we purchased a house and then found the financial woes of the house to begin taking a toll on us. In my mind it was just another hurdle for us.
> 
> 6 months later she goes through new jobs and ends up at her current job. It began with a large workload and new environment which started to cause an excess amount of stress. She sought help. With the counselor new discoveries came about. Fear of turning into mom (bipolar, deceitful, gambling addictions, infidelit). Basically, a lot of bad juju and so she began to remove her from her life. My wife was then diagnosed with ADHD and anxiety, and so we began our new hurdle of moving through this together.
> 
> ...


She has given you the standard script. 

Do you have kids?


----------



## Continuum (Apr 25, 2016)

No. No kids.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

"She is living off Adderall and Xanax." I am no doctor but that drug combination seems wrong. Xanax is a short term med and is habit forming. She needs to be on a proper anti-anxiety or anti-depressant. Get her to her doctor today.


----------



## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

By all means address the medication issue...cause that doesn't sound right. 

Barring some strange medication side effect.... She is showing you who she is. Pay attention


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I have a few close friends who were taking Adderall and Xanax and nothing good came of it for any of them. During the time they were on those meds, their thinking was very...abnormal...for them. I suggest getting your wife to another doctor for a 2nd opinion on her med combo.


----------



## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

She has quit the job with her co-worker..... Correct!? She sounds like she is still in the affair. What job? Can you go to the boss and get them separated? Was coworker her superior? If so see if you can get him fired. Does he have a wife? 

Do not believe what she tells you about him...verify yourself. This has been going on for a time.....I bet she had slept with him more than once and she was determined to divorce and thought you would not change and now feels guilty for her affair she has been having. I bet she could not pass a poly.

You may think about asking for this to be moved to CWI forum.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If she wants out, then let her file for divorce. Its sounds as if you have done YOUR part to make this work, even so far as working on it after an affair! It takes both partners making the effort, and if she chooses not to, there isn't much more you can do.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Continuum said:


> No. No kids.


Bail. She's blame shifting you. 

In other words, she has no remorse.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Continuum said:


> . She withdrew to a point where she cheated on me with a coworker who was "the supportive friend" in her distress. This was a one time event and she felt overwhelming guilt. Told me about it the next day. While I was angry, I was more so hurt. But I was willing to move past this, because I knew that my wife was not being herself.
> 
> Today. We have gotten to the worst possibly point to me She states she loves me but doesn't know if she is in love with me. She feels that I can't possibly love her because she did what she did.


This is what most don't understand about issues, big and small, in a relationship. There are two sides. On one side is the one that made a mistake and has to deal with their own guilt and on the other side is the hurt individual. Let's not kid ourselves here; many individuals use the hurt caused by others to leverage for power in the relationship. It is not always overt, but this is the norm. Even those that don't know they are acting along these lines will tend to exert some amount of energy in this direction, acting on the pain they felt.

Relationships face problems because of deviating from gifted love and by not handling conflict in a meaningful sense. We can't predict whether someone will stay together or not based on the individual mistakes. We predict success or failure, based upon how they handle them.


> She has been trying to push me away by saying that she is no good for her and she is crazy.
> 
> Let me add that she also feels she doesn't know who she is and what makes her happy. She feels this because she was never truly single. She met me about a month after her 6 year relationship with a compete ass hole who put her down, and made her feel like **** all the time.


I write about this *a lot*. You are contending with her indoctrination. Everyone was socialized by their interactions, with others, in life. You better believe that difficult past relationships will present challenges, to even the best future partners.


> I have and continue to be suportive through this but feel she is making a rash decision. She is in conflict with her mind. Part of her wants to try and make it work, but more of her is in tears thinking it couldn't possibly work out. I even helped her look for an apartment if that is what she wanted, but I am asking her to stay. She then mentioned she doesn't think she can afford to live on her own and pay me a share of the mortgage. I told her that wasn't an option. I have asked that she make a decision now. If she stays, it is to try and make this relationship work. Or she has to leave, because it wouldn't be fair to me for her to stay as (friends). And no, I'm not interested in anyone else, I just can't be put on the back burner while she decides what is convenient.


I am going to be blunt here. Your actions are made by someone who means well, but you are going to get into trouble with them. She is already overwhelmed and lacking direction. You want direction (I get it), but now is not the time. What she needs is understanding and support, and she needs you to let her make up her mind, without pressure. Now is also not the time to "make this relationship work." There is disconnection. You already mentioned that you shaped up and she was pushed away.

I am advising you to take a specific approach, one that is low-key and bottom-up.


> It hurts me to watch her struggle. She is living off Adderall and Xanax. She has mentioned on multiple cases that suicide has crossed her mind, so that she could get rid of the **** in her mind. I reached out to her family immediately since because I'm nervous. Now that my life story is out there, I am lost. I don't know what I should do. Should I have her stay in hopes that she feels live for me again? Will she be able to discover "who she is" with me by her side? Should I do legal seperation and hope she doesn't cheat on me again? Do I just go ahead and ask for a divorce and hope she finds happiness on her own?


Again. I proffer the same advice as in my previous comment.



> We have another therapist visit in a couple days but so far it hasn't gotten us far and things have progressed exponentially on a daily basis. Any advice would be much appreciated.


She does need to focus on herself and therapy may help.

I think you should consider a new approach. It is not a fun approach and you will have to face many challenges, but it offers an incredible amount of benefits. You don't want her to just stay with you. You want the relationship that you used to have. You want the relationship on firm ground. To have that, you have to come at this as two strong individuals. 

Let's make an investment, not an ultimatum.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The things she is saying sound like she is still involved with her affair partner.

Have you confirmed (by this I mean other means besides her word) that all contact has ceased?

Do you share a phone plan? Take a look at the bill to see who she is texting or calling.

Do you have access to her phone? Look for apps like snap chat or other.

Here is the thing. If she is still involved with her AP, counseling with her is a waste of time.

One other point. Frequently, the best thing you can do is not pull on the rope any longer.

"Wife, if you want to be single again, who am I to stop you? I love you enough to let you go find happiness."

Then execute a 180. This is occasionally such a shock that they don't know what to do when their safety net (you, the one they thought would always be there for them) suddenly isn't there any longer. However, it is primarily designed to help you detach and heal.

Google "180: The Healing Heart" or look up @EleGirl and click the link on it in her signature. 

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


----------



## Continuum (Apr 25, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Let's make an investment, not an ultimatum.


Thank you for all the advice. While I have been going through more ups and downs with the relationship, I took this message specifically and tried to bring her back home. 

She is currently living out of another friends house (has been confirmed), and trying to find an apartment. 

I keep trying to be supportive of her decisions, but as she is leaving everything behind, without trying to work on this I feel like a divorce is inevitable.


----------



## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Continuum said:


> I keep trying to be supportive of her decisions, but as she is leaving everything behind, without trying to work on this I feel like a divorce is inevitable.


Sometimes a bit of distance is just part of the process. She might step away, only to quickly find discomfort and feel that her place is back with you. 

What you might need to do is go back to the basics in relationship-building. Being low-key will really catch her off guard and you can build a connection with her....... without her emotions being able to defend against it. 

Trust me. I see this all of the time. In the vast majority of cases, the relationship is able to be rebuilt and restored, given a proper course of action. The main challenge I have is convincing individuals that there is something there to save. Even in some fantastic relationships, words can be exchanged that might be inappropriately taken at face value. Relationship success depends (mostly) on the actions/reactions of the receiver, not the person stirring things up.

There is still some investment from her that is obvious. It can be capitalized on. There are never any guarantees and it could be a lengthy process. However, we aren't in this to have someone next to us. We are in this to have someone enthusiastically at our side, no?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Continuum said:


> My wife was then diagnosed with *ADHD* and anxiety.... She is living off *Adderall *and Xanax. She has mentioned on multiple cases that *suicide has crossed her mind*, so that she could get rid of the **** in her mind.


Continuum, one possibility is that you're simply seeing the side effects of Adderall. The NY Times reported on the use of this drug in a 2013 article called "The Selling of Attention Deficit Disorder." It provides the following information about this drug: _Even Roger Griggs, the pharmaceutical executive who introduced Adderall in 1994, said he strongly opposes marketing stimulants to the general public because of their dangers. He calls them “nuclear bombs,” warranted only under extreme circumstances and when carefully overseen by a physician. Psychiatric breakdown and *suicidal thoughts* are the most rare and extreme results of stimulant addiction, but those horror stories are far outnumbered by people who, seeking to study or work longer hours, cannot sleep for days, lose their appetite or hallucinate. More can simply become habituated to the pills and feel they cannot cope without them. _ See The New York Times (Dec 15, 2013).



> She has been trying to push me away by saying that she is no good for her and she is crazy..... she doesn't know who she is and what makes her happy....


A second possibility is that your W is starting to exhibit bipolar-1 traits. The usual onset age for bipolar is a range from 18 to 30. The average age of onset is 25. If she is correct about her mother having bipolar, there is some risk she has inherited it.

Finally, a third possibility -- if you are seeing significant emotional disturbance and instability and serious identify/self esteem issues -- is that you may be seeing moderate to strong symptoms of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Several behaviors you mention -- i.e., the weak self identity, impulsiveness, feeling "suffocated" by you (i.e., engulfment), and suicidal ideation -- are warning signs for BPD. I nonetheless caution that you are only identifying a few of the nine BPD traits, not most of them. 

I therefore am mentioning BPD as a possibility primarily because a number of studies have found it to be strongly associated with adult ADHD. Indeed, some psychologists speculate that _"ADHD and BPD may not be two distinct disorders, but represent at least in a subgroup of patients two dimensions of one disorder."_ See ADHD Same Thing as BPD at abstract on p. 1. 

Further, many studies have found an overlap or comorbidity between ADHD and BPD. A 2011 study, for example, concludes that _"Personality disorders also often co-occur with adult ADHD. In a clinical sample of 447 adults with ADHD, Cumyn et al. [2009] reported that around 50% had a comorbid personality disorder. Particularly the risk of developing cluster B personality disorders in late adolescence is increased in children with ADHD [Miller et al., 2008]. The relationship between ADHD and borderline personality disorder (BPD) has received most attention because of the similar clinical features of the two disorders. BPD is characterized by identity disturbances, interpersonal difficulties, impulsivity, and emotional lability."_ See Am J Med Genet B Neuropsychiatr Genet (2011).

Continuum, if you would like references to more professional articles on the overlap and co-occurrence of ADHD and BPD, I suggest you take a look at the ADHD and BPD Overlap Thread. That 9-page thread (on an ADHD forum) contains many links to professional studies on this issue.



> We have another therapist visit in a couple days.... Any advice would be much appreciated.


I suggest that she tell her current therapist that the meds are not yet working properly and see what he recommends. Moreover, for purposes of deciding whether to stay married to her, I suggest you see your own psychiatrist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid second opinion from a professional who is ethically bound to protect only YOUR best interests, not hers. Ask him what he thinks you likely are dealing with. 

Whenever BPD may be involved, your best chance of obtaining a candid professional opinion is to see a psychiatrist or psychologist who has not treated or seen your W -- because the name of this disorder is routinely withheld from many high functioning BPDer patients (and their spouses) for the protection of those patients. Take care, Continuum.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

You don't have kids with this woman. You owe her nothing. I don't care how "sick" she is. You are young. Well under 30 still, I believe. You want to go for sainthood and try to save this one? Be my guest. Waste your life doing it.

Learn from it and move on. Let her wacky family that advised her to go back to a man she doesn't love mop it up.

Check out her Facebook wall to see how "sad" she is while she's living with this friend. The one who will presumably be helping her live that single life she longs for. "Eventually". Like this past weekend.


----------

