# I need advice from a married woman



## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Ok I'm currently married for 15 years and have 3 kids. There ages are 14, 10 and 5. I'm in the middle of a career change, but prior to that I worked the same job for 17 years. This new job is pure commisions and I might make a hell of alot more money over the long haul, but for the next few months it might be alot less until I get a client base. My wife has been working as well for the last 17 years part-time (25 hours a week) from 5pm to 10pm Monday thru Friday.

Affection and sex has been absolutely non-exsistent over the last year. Once in the last 4 months. Matter of fact it has been a constant area of frustration for myself since we were married. Maybe for a few years back it was ok at best and that would be once every 2-3 weeks for about 6 months. My wife could go forever without giving me a hug, a kiss, or even touching me. I'm an average looking guy who probable has gotten slightly better looking overtime (lol) and for the most part I the take care of myself. I get told at my previous job that I'm good looking and have a great personality and is really funny.

Now my wife who hates working at night because she doesn't see the kids that much is very unhappy. She hates her life and blames me because she needs to work at night to make ends meet. After we had our 2nd kid some 10 years ago, I told her that she would be able to quit her job in 2 years at that time. The reason being was that I had a large sum of money from stock options that I would supplement her income with after a few years. Well the stock market went down big in 2001, my options were worth probable 15% of what they were worth back in 1999 and there was no way my wife would be able to quit her job. I meant well by saying it and we would of followed through with the plan, but financially we couldn't do it. Now she completely comes out and says she is so unhappy and she blantantly says if I wanted to make her happy I would have her quit her job. This is all she comes after me with and I'm growing increasing frustrated since all I want is to make her happy, but at this time we can't do it. Since she works a little later at night she says she has a hard time getting to sleep and she will go to bed at 5am or 6am in the morning. On weekends she will not wake up until 1pm, I'm up at 7:30am and the day is extremely short. She will not even touch me through the day if I didn't make the effort. I get so frustrated and it honestly takes all the fun out of my day, I'm short with my kids, I yell more then I should and now I'm completely unhappy. Not that I drink much, but now I feel a need to drink when Im arround her on Saturday and Sunday evenings. When I get drunk Im a happy drunk, I dont know it might be an escape. This even pisses her off even more that I drink. 

Now I'm finally on my last straw. This past week I tried my best to be there for my wife. I bought her flowers, because she said she was down, make her a fresh diner at 10:30pm at night Tuesday thru Friday and tried to call her more often to see how her day is going. Friday afternoon I told her that we would celebrate a networking channel that I suceeded at that day. When she came home I had a hot diner cooked for her and a lite about 10 different candles. She ate her diner and thanked me verbally no through a kiss or a hug. A little later she claimed that her stomach hurt, which completey told me no sex for the evening and before you knew it the night was over. Im in bed by myself and my wife is down stairs watching TV.

So the next day she wakes up at 12:30pm and is upset that I didn't wake her up early and that she had to disclaim how miserable her stomach felt the night before. The day goes by no acts of affection and I go to bed very pissed off.

The next day I told her how upset I was without any affection and I get told I didn't feel like it. So it turns into a huge argument and she tells me that I shouldn't be surprised because she is not like that. Of course after that it turns to how unhappy she is and bascially for me to join her unhappy paryy.

I want this to work for us for not only the kids, but for the sake my sanity. I don't want to cheat, I want everything with my wife...

I told her today that Im finally leaving and she tells me that something doesn't go my way that I'm pouting. She even said what are you going to pout all day. I don't believe she knows how upset that I am. Then when I tell her she keeps saying keeps pointing the finger at me not supporting her.

What should I do??? She doesn't have any friends, she is not close to her family, she hates my family, she is not socialable at all...

I don't want to leave, but she makes me so miserable???


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Since this is an ongoing argument I told my wife that I was leaving because of her inability to give me any affection. She says she has nothing to give because she is so disconnected from everything because of her job and not seeing the kids.

So I said I guess the love you show me is conditional? If I make enough money to support you so you could stay home with the kids you will show affection and love.

On so many levels how wrong is this way of thinking? If I leave the house will be sold. She will need to move into an apartment, she will need to work longer hours to support her and the kids...

She wants me to just put up with he lack of everything...

Help! When will she see that she is so wrong???


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

she says your pouting? sounds to me shes the one pouting cause she has to work....im not sure what to tell ya, seems you have tried it all... my husband use to work night shift, i would sit up all night just to sleep in with him the next mornin..but then we had a baby, so he changed shifts... try having her a warm bubble bath in candle light when she gets home, surround it with rose petals, see if some family members will watch the kids for the weekend and spend some one on one time with her. im not sure what else i can say.


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## KathiOH1 (Apr 18, 2009)

Women don't think rationally when they're tired. Try asking what she needs from you to get back to where you once were. If she's keeping the house up, dealing with three kids, and carrying a job... she's probably not only exhausted, but frustrated and depressed. That would explain her sleeping late.

Ask her to sit down and discuss things both of you can agree to do in response to the other. Keep it to no more than three things. When I had this conversation with my husband, he asked me to 1) make a point of greeting him every day with a kiss 2) ask how his day was 3) speak in a friendly tone. I asked him to 1) keep his own things picked up 2) do the things he committed to do 3) set aside a date night once a month. I didn't realize I wasn't even taking time to kiss him. He didn't realize I was so upset when he forgot to make the phone call he agreed to make. Every month, we had a touch-base to see if the other was keeping up their end of the bargain. Just taking time to talk brought us close again.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

She is very upfront of what she wants. She doesn't want to work. My prior job that I worked for 17 years i was making a decent income of $61,000 a year plus benifits. She wants me to be the white in shining armor that sweeps her off her feet and tells her I don't need to work anymore. I can't do that at this point, I would really love to give that to her, but financially I can't.

Shouldn't love not be based on this? I feel like I'm being used...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

Ctn594 said:


> Ok I'm currently married for 15 years and have 3 kids. There ages are 14, 10 and 5. I'm in the middle of a career change, but prior to that I worked the same job for 17 years. This new job is pure commisions and I might make a hell of alot more money over the long haul, but for the next few months it might be alot less until I get a client base. My wife has been working as well for the last 17 years part-time (25 hours a week) from 5pm to 10pm Monday thru Friday.
> 
> Affection and sex has been absolutely non-exsistent over the last year. Once in the last 4 months. Matter of fact it has been a constant area of frustration for myself since we were married. Maybe for a few years back it was ok at best and that would be once every 2-3 weeks for about 6 months. My wife could go forever without giving me a hug, a kiss, or even touching me. I'm an average looking guy who probable has gotten slightly better looking overtime (lol) and for the most part I the take care of myself. I get told at my previous job that I'm good looking and have a great personality and is really funny.
> 
> ...



you need to ask her HOW she would like you to support her...
also
she should go to the doctor and have her hormones checked
as she could be going into or in menapause.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I will ask her how does she expect me to support her. She knows that she takes everything out on me because i'm the only there to take it out on. The funny thing is that with my past salary and the discontinuation of stock options my wife would need to work until she died. My fulltime job now is a mortgage loan officer. Some people in my office who have a good book of business continue to make well over 6 figuires. I believe I will suceed long term in this business and bring in that type of income, something I would never see at my past job. I've did this job part-time over the last year and a half and only started doing it full-time over since the middle of April. 

She has complained and worries about getting menopause early eventhough she is only 38 years old. 

To me I feel like she truely doesn't love me if we can't be happy with our current situation...


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Let me give you some insight into my past first, then I'll give some advice.

I have a great job, make enough money that my wife can be a stay at home mom to our 3 sons. Are we rich? not even close, but I do make right around 6 figures (some years more, some less) depending on my end of the year bonus.

However, it was not always like this, back around 2003 I got laid off from my job I was working at the time and my wife and I both had to find "regular" jobs until I found something else in my field.

I was working days, she was working nights, similar to what you are doing now. This went on for 2 years until I was back in my field. Now, to put this in perspective, I am a chemical engineer, in that 2 years I was delivering pizza during the day and my wife was working nights at a Subway sandwich shop. 

In that two years my wife NEVER complained, we worked opposite shifts on purpose so that we didn't have to pay for child care. We saw each other hardly ever to be honest. However, her "mantra" was always that "well, you solely supported our family for so long, why can't I help until you find something in your field?". I honestly felt like less of a husband/father delivering pizzas for those 2 years while sending out resumes to about everyone. But my wife loved me unconditionally and while we even had to move in with my parents for a short while in that time, she never wasn't affectionate with me, loved me, etc. 

Now, with the new economic situation we've talked about what we'd do if I got laid off again, and her response was "well, we'd use some of your retirment savings to pay off some of our big bills, we'd cut out some 'fat' spending, you'd get unemployment while looking, and I'd go work at night again...no big deal honey, we'll make do".

She set my mind at ease.

I think there are 2 problems here.

1. Your wife is expecting too much and/or using her having to work as an excuse for some other major issue/problem.
2. You guys are living outside of your means. My last job before my current one I was making exactly what you did, ~$60k with benefits. My wife was a stay at home mom to 3 kids under that income. I know the cost of living in some areas are different than others, but we purposefully bought a house for much less than we were "approved" for from the mortgage company, we drive very cheap cars (she has a minivan, I drive a Ford Focus), and we don't go out and over spend on anything. 

Unless you work in an area like Los Angeles, Chicago, New York, etc where the cost of living is insane (aka your rent/mortgage for a crappy house is still very high) then you might want to find ways to cut back expenses so you CAN live on your $61k only. We did, its only my current job where I make roughly $100k.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Well she call me up at my job saying I must come home tonight to watch our kids because she can't afford to lose her job and she has no one to watch the kids. She tells me it all started back 5 years ago when I "forced" her to go back to her job and that I couldn't figuire out how miserable she was to go back. She then points out everything that I haven't done (Have the kids brush their teeth, check their homework, take out the garbage and make sure the cars have gas in them) with the kids or her consistently over the 10 years. I told her how upset I was that she didn't want to work on this and then I need to make this move. She said she is leaving for work no matter what and I don't show its on my ass if the kids are by themselves and she will call the cops on me if i don't come home. She then hangs up the phone saying I just don't do it for her anymore...

So the bottom line is she expects us to live together for the sake of the kids being miserable, but she is not willing to change her views or ways...

Help?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Nobody is tying her to a night shift job forever. She could look for a different job instead of sleeping all day.

Your comment about $61K puts things in perspective for me. In California where I am that would be a serious financial crisis. Twice that is needed to afford halfway decent housing.

So she used to get to stay home without a job. Boo--hoo.

Time to get over it and stop punishing you. 

If the problem includes an unfair level of household chores being done, fix that. If the problem includes an unfair level of childcare, then fix that too.

But her thinking that no intimacy is going to improve her life? She is very mistaken.


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Well it gets better...

I told her how much I love her and only comeback home if she made a commitment to go to marriage counseling or go to the doctor to check her hormone levels (From an earlier post). She was insulted that I mentioned the menopause thing and said what I'm going to go to the doctor and tell them I hate my job? I told her everyone hates their job its just how you are handling it. 

She said that I'm so needy and that usually the woman look for affection and not guys. I said are you kinding me??? Guys want affection and sex! She then changed and said yes only sex. I disagree I love sex, but I love everything that leads up to it. She said she will only meet me half way and no way all of the time. Damn am I that bad in bed were its a struggle for her to even want it??? She then says you know I've been like this overall, we constantly have agruments about it, why is this such an issue to you know? I said for the most part we have never really fixed the issue and every single day for the last 15 years that we have been married I have been miserable and want more. It honestly ruins my days and as I look back I've been more angry and bitter because of it. Of course she can't just say I'm really sorry or anything like that she then talks about how miserable she is. I always get this she never could stay on topic and always reverses the situation which I usually agree with her and tell her I will try to work on things. I never get that from her.

So then I brought up the marriage counselor idea and she said no way. We don't have the money or the time. I told her we both will have alot less if she doesn't go through with it. Once again she said no you know im a private person and I will not talk to strangers, I don't even talk to my family. She then said she will work on our problem on our own without any help from others. I told her we haven't been able to work on its own and we need the help of others. She says absolutely not! I know she is scared that someone will tell her that she needs to grow the hell up really quick and she absolutely doesnt want to hear it.

Of course as Im typing this I cameback home to watch my kids for the night because she has no alternatives. Im such a sucker...

Any idea were I should go with this next?


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Ctn... it sounds as if she's just a mad, miserable person in general? I am wagering, that even if you were to give her , the dream situation she's complaining she hasn't got... the house, the money, you working while she stays at home.... I am betting she'd still be mad, and miserable.. then her quam would be that you're never home to spend time with her. 

She sounds like one of those people that is impossible to make happy. And ultimately, she has to find her own happiness, you can't bear the burden for all of it, or for her whole life. She has just as much choice in life, as you do. 

Can you just insist that she attend counseling? Tell her it's not an option for her to say no. Put your foot down? It sounds like she needs some personal help. Sounds like maybe she's lost, mad at life in general, and you're the convenient target for her to take it out on.

The fact is, even if she couldn't quit her job all those years ago like you said she could... stuff happens.. and you move on as a team, and you do what you have to do. She can't blame you for something that was totally out of your control, like the stock market, and your inability to find a job that pays 150 grand a year so that she can stay home and be comfy. 

I will tell you, I am a stay at home Mom, and my hubby only makes 54,000 a year... gross.. so after taxes, we are living on around 36,000 a year, we've got two kids, and we struggle every day. And to boot, we are both educated. We've had to make certain lifestyle adjustments, to enable me to stay at home, which is where we both wanted me to be. We live on a tight tight budget, we both drive old used cars, safe but old... 

I shop at target, or wal-mart for the kids clothes. And afterall, who cares? They're clothes right? I dont' own any designer hand bags,,, etc...

The point is, she's got to make just as many sacrfices as you do, in order for her to be able to stay home. And unless she plans on never cleaning, or doing any laundry, or cooking... then I don't know why she thinks staying home when you've got three kids would be any less work than working part time... if anything, it's more work, if done properly. 

So, I feel for you. She seems a bit selfish to me, but I don't know all the details either. I would seriously try like heck to get her into counseling, so that she can see what her lack of affection is doing to you, and so that maybe she can gain some perspective on knowing her happiness doesn't fall squarely on your shoulders. It takes two... always.


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## nikkielaine (May 27, 2009)

I hope, for the sake of your kids, you can work this out, somehow, but honestly it seems unlikely. A marriage is a partnership, and she seems unwilling to step up to the plate and help you out without a fuss. 
I had my second baby in August 08 and the plan was that I would leave my job of 5 years and my husband would continue to work. He got laid off 1 month after I quit my job. He's now been unemployed for about 7 months and hasn't even attempted looking for anything since December. I was able to go back to work for a temp position and was laid off so I am now on unemployment. That is our only income for our 4-person family and he has no interest in finding work. 
I'm struggling with a problem somewhat similar to yours, you see? I'm about to start school and am trying to put the pieces of our lives together all on my own. He gets mad if I say anything about him finding a job. And believe me, I am not even harsh about it. I try to motivate him, but nothing works. He just gets mad, so now I say nothing to him about it. Everything is just building up inside and I feel there's no way out. I want my kids to have a father and I want to be able to stay with my husband, whom I've been with for almost ten years. 
I didn't mean to ramble, but I just found myself relating to your situation. The point I'm making is that it seems to me that you're the only one who is committed to your family's wellbeing, financially and emotionally. Maybe she needs counseling, I don't know. Just don't let anyone take advantage of you. You are not trapped. Let her know what you need from her and make sure she understands that if she's not willing to try to meet you halfway, you will have to make changes somewhere, with or without her. Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I was with someone like that one time... 
all touchy all the time. It got on my nerves quickly and
it turned out later, he was a cheater.

I myself do not care for someone overly affectionate and super touchy feely.
There is much more to a relationship than sex and sexuality.. and physical aspects.
MUCH MORE !!!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It sounds to me like you are both being loud and clear about what you want, but neither of you are willing to compromise to make the other happy. 

If staying at home is that important to her, have you talked about options? Not in a negative way, 'well we'll have to sell the house and live in an apartment, etc.' but in a positive, realistic way...if we downsized the house, it could be possible...maybe there are work from home options for her, etc. If she feels you are taking action and really listening to her, she may come around. 

Feeling unsupported (in her case her loathing her job and being away from the kids) may sound like whining to some, but it's real for her...is probably what is making her feel disconnected from you.


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## Icee (Mar 31, 2009)

My husband and i have been together 10yrs, 6 of which i have been the main/sole supporter. Reality is this... chip in or get out... having kids doesn't entitle you to anything in life especially being a stay at home mom. It seems she was promised one type of life and when she didn't get it she turned bitter aside from already being an angry person (considering no friends/family she can count on). I hope you have not let her alienate you from your family and your children's relatives. I think it's good you left. Maybe write an honest note and leave it for her, explaining your feelings, understanding she is upset, but this partnership takes two and reiterate your desire for counseling with a list of counselors that are free (programs are out there). If this doesn't change or if you don't get help, then you need to leave for good, and should be willing to take those kids with you. What children need is a role model for picking yourself up and moving on cuz time and people don't wait. They don't need to live with someone that is bitter and resents everything, maybe even including them. 

I expect no one to take care of me, hence main/sole supporter. What i expect is to have a partner who will make an effort to make our life better. Should he try, fail, succeed, I know he is trying and that is what enables me to love him, make love to him, and support our life. He is always finding ways to improve his craft and be a significant financial contributor in addition to contributing in ways that are priceless. You wife does need to grow up. If she came from a working class family, i'm surprised she can think she is owed anything in life. NO ONE OWES YOU ANYTHING! If you are unable to give her what she wants most, stay at home, she needs to problem solve and the only way it seems she might do it is by you leaving. Kids need a strong role model, not just a mother. But don't keep them in the dark either most of your kids are old enough to know... "Mom and dad are having problems, and dad is trying to make things better for all of us. Mom needs to work on this problem too so that she and all of us can be happy but don't doubt for one second that we love you all. Kids you are the reason that we are working on this problem... we want to give you an opportunity to be strong, and better than we could ever be, so your help, cooperation and patience and most of all unconditional love for both of us is essential in this process. "


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## Ctn594 (May 25, 2009)

Alright a week has gone by she promised to change and we had a good week. Then over the last few days things have begun to fall apart again. I don't want to get into details because thats not an important part now.

In all ended tonight by her telling me that she has NEVER been sexually attracted to me. Not today, not yesterday, not even before we were married. That i shouldn't be shocked by this since she has mostly never been in the mood. You want to feel like your world has stopped. I'm heartbroken. I asked her how the hell could you marry someone and have 3 kids while feeling this way. How could she do this to me. She said she always hoped it would change and that i'm not the so called husband of her dreams. I never could give her anywhere near 100% when she continued to be cold and distance from me. I never wanted a divorce and always wanted a nice family. I can't stand to think about her and can't live like this moving foward. 

She wants me to stay just for the kids and we live seperate lives. I can't stand to live like this because i will live my life heartbroken each and everyday...

I feel hopeless.


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## BrokenDreams (Nov 6, 2011)

*


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Ctn594 said:


> Well she call me up at my job saying I must come home tonight to watch our kids because she can't afford to lose her job and she has no one to watch the kids. She tells me it all started back 5 years ago when I "forced" her to go back to her job and that I couldn't figuire out how miserable she was to go back. She then points out everything that I haven't done (Have the kids brush their teeth, check their homework, take out the garbage and make sure the cars have gas in them) with the kids or her consistently over the 10 years. I told her how upset I was that she didn't want to work on this and then I need to make this move. She said she is leaving for work no matter what and I don't show its on my ass if the kids are by themselves and she will call the cops on me if i don't come home. She then hangs up the phone saying I just don't do it for her anymore...
> 
> So the bottom line is she expects us to live together for the sake of the kids being miserable, but she is not willing to change her views or ways...
> 
> Help?


Honestly, I think you and your wife BOTH have responsibility for the state of your marriage. And until you divorce and have a custody agreement, why the hell would you dump your kids on your wife who has to go to work? That just seems childish and selfish. They are your kids, too. You may want to divorce your wife, but you aren't divorcing your kids. And frankly, you are going to be paying child support if you divorce, and possibly alimony, so I would really think about your options.

Having said all that, you seem to gloss over a lot of your behaviors that are harming the marriage. You made promises to your wife that you were not able to keep. You abuse alcohol. You expect one dinner by candlelight to fix years of resentment. You created the expectation that your wife would not have to work and she's stuck working midnights. My husband is a cop and he works midnights on certain shifts and HATES it. It messes with his sleep, it makes it hard for us to spend time together. We have a pretty strong marriage so we make it through, but it sucks for both of us when he rotates to midnights. I spend my weekends without him because he's sleeping all day long.

I think it's overly simplistic to blame your wife for being selfish and aloof. But you aren't looking at HER needs at all. You don't seem to have a clue what she needs. And if you aren't meeting her needs, she sure as hell is not going to feel like trying to meet yours.

Get some marriage counseling before you make a rash decision to divorce. Divorcing is not the first option, especially when you haven't really done anything to fix the marriage by all appearances other than make dinner by candlelight. It takes WAY more than that to fix a marriage.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Old thread.

OP hasn't posted in over a year.


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