# Any advice, please help



## Dmitri (Dec 23, 2012)

My wife and I have rocky periods between good times during our five-year marriage. We have two small children together. 4 years ago, I decided (yes it was my decision, not due to any legal trouble) to get sober, thinking that if I eliminated drinking from my life and exploring and implementing ways to be a better person, it would make things better. We would still erupt in some pretty huge arguments and on at least two occasions, she threw punches at me. I have never been physical with her. At times, we have been verbally abusive of each other, calling each other names. She is very sensitive to criticism or what sounds like criticism to her, and at times I am surprised by her reaction to something I said, since my comments weren't directed at her. Anyway, I don't get a lot if constructive feedback on what I could do or say differently, so I'm left to my own devices to figure that out. 

Anyway, a few days ago, I noticed I was blocked from viewing anything on her FB page. When I got home from work (I'm a fire fighter, so I'm gone for 24-hour shifts), I checked her iPad for her FB account and found she had been messaging an old flame from another state. He wrote some things like "sweet dreams" and "I miss you," upon which she responded ,"me too". I realize that given the physical distance, that this cant be a PA, but it has the qualities of an online EA, not to mention that she has changed all the passwords on her tablet, email, and phone. I realize this is not as serious as many of the other posts on here, but I feel betrayed, and am wondering what my next steps should be. She said she is not having an online EA, and admitted that she has been talking with him on the phone about things like his trouble with visitation of his child. Am I making too much of this? Should married couples agree to share passwords? 

Please help. I can't sleep.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

EA's are just as bad as PA's man up and tell her this has to stop and what's the bs of locking you out of her fb acct? There is NO PRIVACY in a marriage except when relieving yourself. Nip this NOW!


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Before confronting her install a keylogger on her computer and look for any secret email accounts or messages that she deleted after sending.

If you confront now with what little you have, she'll just gaslight you into believing those messages were all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You are sharing your life with each other. What messages could either of you possibly be receiving or sending that the other should not see? Of course, married people should share passwords and be open and honest with each other?

Tell her that if she refuses to be open and honest with you, and she continues to hide her communications, you must assume that it is because she is either bad-mouthing you to others, cheating on you, or planning to cheat on you. 

She never was worried about her privacy before, but now that other man is back in the picture, she blocks you on Facebook and changes all her passwords?

Nip this in the bud. Is she willing to lose her marriage over this? She is the one being secretive here, not you. Did you two get married so you could keep secrets from one another?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> You are sharing your life with each other. What messages could either of you possibly be receiving or sending that the other should not see? Of course, married people should share passwords and be open and honest with each other?
> 
> Tell her that if she refuses to be open and honest with you, and she continues to hide her communications, you must assume that it is because she is either bad-mouthing you to others, cheating on you, or planning to cheat on you.
> 
> ...


Did you ask her why YOU are blocked from her fb acct?


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## Dmitri (Dec 23, 2012)

I did ask her why. She said she didn't know why, that it was nothing she did.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dmitri said:


> My wife and I have rocky periods between good times during our five-year marriage. We have two small children together. 4 years ago, I decided (yes it was my decision, not due to any legal trouble) to get sober, thinking that if I eliminated drinking from my life and exploring and implementing ways to be a better person, it would make things better. We would still erupt in some pretty huge arguments and on at least two occasions, she threw punches at me. I have never been physical with her. At times, we have been verbally abusive of each other, calling each other names. She is very sensitive to criticism or what sounds like criticism to her, and at times I am surprised by her reaction to something I said, since my comments weren't directed at her. Anyway, I don't get a lot if constructive feedback on what I could do or say differently, so I'm left to my own devices to figure that out.
> 
> Anyway, a few days ago, I noticed I was blocked from viewing anything on her FB page. When I got home from work (I'm a fire fighter, so I'm gone for 24-hour shifts), I checked her iPad for her FB account and found she had been messaging an old flame from another state. *He wrote some things like "sweet dreams" and "I miss you," upon which she responded ,"me too". *I realize that given the physical distance, that this cant be a PA, but it has the qualities of an online EA, not to mention that she has changed all the passwords on her tablet, email, and phone. I realize this is not as serious as many of the other posts on here, but I feel betrayed, and am wondering what my next steps should be. She said she is not having an online EA, and admitted that she has been talking with him on the phone about things like his trouble with visitation of his child. Am I making too much of this? Should married couples agree to share passwords?
> 
> Please help. I can't sleep.


Sweet dreams, I miss you, me too, is not how old flames innocently talk to each other, especially if they've just taken the trouble to block their husband from seeing all communications.

She says all they talk about are things like his child visitation problems - then why would she care if you saw those types of things? And how does "sweet dreams, I miss you" and "me too" relate to his child visitation problems?

Do you tell your ex-flames, "sweet dreams, I miss you"?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dmitri said:


> I did ask her why. She said she didn't know why, that it was nothing she did.


Did she unblock you?

What did she say about the changed passwords on her phone, tablet, and email, is that "nothing she did" also?

Mysteriously you are blocked on Facebook due to some Facebook malfunction, and also coincidentally all passwords are changed?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Tell her you can't control her but you can control what you are going to put up with because when you tell her no contact sure as sh!t she will call you controlling you have to stop this asap.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

My wife had an EA. I didn't know what one was and allowed it to continue - although I used to protest about it she majorly gaslighted me. 6 years and her PA later and she will no longer have a husband by the end of Feb.

Tell your wife she has a right to do anything she likes, but she does not have a right to you. Tell her it's him or you and don't - whatever you do - compromise.

Good luck; this next bit will be hard for you both.


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## Dmitri (Dec 23, 2012)

Yes, I can see what she posts publicly on her FB page, but have no idea if she's messaging privately. We have had our problems, but I never dreamt she would go down this road and it feels like s**t.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Old flames and exes have no healthy place in a marriage, especially marriages that have some problems.

Her talking with him itself isn't at all ok, and in fact has crossed intimacy boundaries this is proven by the way talked to each other. 

I would be using a hidden var to hear just what they are saying on the phone. You need to pull the phone logs to see when and how long they've been talking. Be prepared for nasty things.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Dmitri said:


> Yes, I can see what she posts publicly on her FB page, but have no idea if she's messaging privately. We have had our problems, but I never dreamt she would go down this road and it feels like s**t.


A keylogger would help you in seeing those messages.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She said she is not having an online EA


This is not a matter of her opinion. Tell her ex "I miss you" is not casual talk!! Ask to switch places and if she would be ok if you do the same. And discussing relationship problems(with other people) are the best way to destroy marriages. 


And you don't know what they talk on the phone. Does she use skype ? have you checked the skype logs ?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> We would still erupt in some pretty huge arguments and on at least two occasions, she threw punches at me.


Funny how no one mentions the physical abuse when a woman does that. 



Dmitri said:


> I did ask her why. She said she didn't know why, that it was nothing she did.


What exactly did she block you from ? 

And they are not just talking about his child visitation thing. They are also discussing how much of an as$hole you are on the phone call or how you don't support her at all.


You are in big soup. You need to be proactive and end this
Confront her ex(be calm and emotionless). Ask him if he thinks the messages are crossing the boundaries.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Dmitri said:


> not to mention that she has changed all the passwords on her tablet, email, and phone.


Paraphrasing another poster this is not a red flag, it's a huge banner. A cheater's banner.

Sorry man, snooping tools in place.


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

You need to get snooping. This is an EA that is a short plane ride away from a PA. Keylogger on her computer, snoop her cell phone if you can get in it. 

AFTER you've got snooping tools in place, I wouldn't hold it against you if you contacted this jerk and let him know that he needs to move on and find an UNMARRIED woman to whine about child visitation. 

Yes, your wife needs to share all passwords with you, and vice versa. Why would she care - unless she has something to hide?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Sucks to be in this position. But listen to the voices of experience on this forum. This is a full blown EA. EA's start off innocently - just saying "hello" to an acquaintance. Then in baby steps it morphs into revealing thoughts and feelings that would normally be between spouses. Then the emotional connection is made. The bad news is an EA rarely stays as just an EA - it either ends, or it is just the first stage towards a PA. Ask yourself, as a guy, would you be satisfied with an EA or would you be pushing to move it towards a PA? 

You need to get on top of this situation ASAP. Ask your wife why she changed her passwords. Make sure that your wife understands YOUR boundaries and how she has already crossed them. Then follow the steps needed for her to end contact with the OM. Get yourselves into therapy - IC and MC. It's tough to think your wife is cheating, but she is. And recovery will take a LOT of work and additional pain. But recovery IS possible - so long as there is transparency and total honesty along with sincere remorse (on the part of the DS).

Good luck.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Funny how no one mentions the physical abuse when a woman does that.


I'll mention it. It's the one thing that really jumped out at me. If you bust her and she professes new loyalty, you absolutely have to deal with her abuse of you. She needs therapy.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Dmitri said:


> She is very sensitive to criticism or what sounds like criticism to her, and at times I am surprised by her reaction to something I said, since my comments weren't directed at her.



An insecure person will react very differently to criticism vs a person with a more healthy self image. A simple criticism or observation, made in the heat of an argument, will stick with an insecure person. That is all they will remember, the "insult". Combine the insecurity with an inability to be introspective and it is a recipe for disaster. 

I know, because my wife was exactly like this. When we argued (in the midst of her EA as it turns out), all she would remember from the argument was the one criticism I may have made during the argument. She would never step back, try to put herself in my position, to see if the criticism was valid. But she would catalog and store each and every criticism to a point where she claimed not to feel "emotionally safe". Meanwhile, she viewed herself as faultless - not realizing that her affair was the ultimate criticism as well as a violation of the safety of a long-term relationship.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop making this all about her and the action and choices she is making. You can't control her so stop trying.
I understand you love this women but until you can make this about you and what you want and the consequences she is willing to face by lossing you she will continue...hell she may continue even if she unnderstand whats at stake.

My point is no matter how hard your chick needs to understand that she has a choice just like you have a choice, and your choice is to have a relatioship that is opens and accountable ...one with out secrets and privacy.
So its not up to you wife, its up to you to go find the kind of relationaship that works for you.Currently the one you are in now is not working for you.

In short you love this women like you love your self, so there for why hold each other back? Let her go if she wants something better just like you will go find something better.

Or

She can knock this crap off and keep you around and meet your needs. Let her know that this isn't about her being wrong or right or making her do something she doesn't want to do...but its *you* and how *you* want to live *your life*...a life in a commited relationship with a women that respects the relationship protection you have to offer.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Warlock and everyone else is right. 
She may have started out the phone conversations talking about child custody - (is she a practicing lawyer? How does she have experience in custody? - oooooh yeah, it's a convenient excuse - shoulda said they were discussing the impact of global warming on the price of tomatoes in Cambodia - would have made as much sense). 

But back to the issue of the phone conversation, the discussion of global warming (or whatever) soon turned to how sh1tty his xw was. She told him how your drinking led to years of physical and emotional abuse - she doesn't know what to do with you - she's tried soooo hard. You get the picture. 

They're feeding each other little ego boosts until he can muster a "business trip" to your home town. It's a screenplay that is repeated so often the royalties could make the originator of the play another Bill Gates. 

Time for intermission Dmitri, you need to enter stage-left, gather evidence if you must, but because it isn't a PA yet - you should probably waste no time in demanding:
1. a written explanation of what has occurred
2. a no-contact letter written to the exBF written by her and approved by you (find examples on this board)
3. a list of all social media & email accounts and passwords 

No, this is not 'controlling' these are processes that must occur for you to remain engaged in the marriage. She has the option of doing or not doing them. She had the choice of rekindling and stoking the fires with an old BF and she chose to do so without your knowledge. So her track record in honoring the marriage is not acceptable - thus your input. 

If she refuses, then you know where you, your marriage, and the xBF stand. (your marriage and you tied for last). 

If she starts an argument - remain calm and repeat your requests. Walk away if shouting ensues. File a complaint and request an order of protection if she physically attacks you - do this away from her presence to avoid escalation.

It's time to be serious about your union.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

How are you sure it's not a PA yet? If you do 24 hour shifts its highly likely for it to be physical already. 

Prepare yourself for it so you won't break down when you do find the evidence.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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