# Am I crazy over nothing?



## missingme (Sep 28, 2009)

Here's my story: Married for 8 yrs, together for 13, 2 kids. He's always had anger issues that he's never sought help for. Has been violent towards me three times, all when I was trying to leave during a fight. I have tried to slap him (unsuccessfully) about 4 times so I'm not innocent. No cheating. 
The last 5 years, he's finally had success at work - but the stress made him an alcoholic for two years (has it in his family) He's very critical (but only towards me & our daughter, not our son) ex: yells/berates me about: how I place food in the grocery cart, how I have dish gloves next to the kitchen sink, how I wash & put away his laundry, my driving, my coffee. He has fits of paranoia that I don't love him - this is set off by seemingly innocent things (a glance, the tone of my voice). The paranoia leads to hours of his following me around, throwing things, punching holes & yelling. I keep saying there's no reason to fight - he's just stressed & looking for a target. He pushes our daughter around in public (late for karate, grabbed her by the neck & shoved her into a chair when she didn't respond fast enough to his "Sit down now!" order, she started crying, he yelled at her for not taking her boots off properly & me for making us late (when I was looking for the car keys that he misplaced), angry that she ran to me). He's ruined our last two vacations by similar scenes (angry that our 5 yo daughter was scared of a roller coaster - he says this weakness comes from me - yelled at us that he's disgusted with us). I'm afraid to go out in public with him because I just want to have a good time and not deal with his aggression. 
When we met, my money is what paid for our rent, our cars, our wedding and the down payment to our house. Then, I returned to school when I was pregnant w/my 2nd & working. I just got my undergrad in a science. I now have a lot of college debt to pay off and no job. 
He's picked out almost everything in our house - wall colors, fixtures, furniture, bedspreads. It's easier to do that than to present my case for why I have made my choices. Some of my girlfriend's think my house is ugly and really needs fixing up (we still have hanging fixtures & exposed pipes from when we moved in 4 years ago & we started his repairs), but I'm embaressed to admit that I didn't decorate. And I work as hard as I can - I feel stupid admitting that I don't know anything about drywall or carpentry. He told me to take courses at Home Depot & figure it out because he doesn't have the time. 
He has never (even while I was pregnant): cooked, cleaned, taken care of the cars, yardwork, snow shoveling, raking, errands, plumbing, the kids, etc. I have hung curtain rods & assembled everything from our kids' crib to our beds & the TV stands. Some of these things broke & he got angry that I didn't ask him for help. I do - as gently as I can for weeks in a row while the boxes just sit there. So I go ahead & just do it myself. That's how most things go in our house. He makes me feel crazy. 
I feel like a single mom who doesn't have to worry about the rent anymore. If I could hire a handyman, I would but he thinks I'm saying that to insult him. We had our bathroom redone 5 months ago & the fixtures & paint are still not done. Every time I start to work on it, he yells at me that I have to stop because I will mess it up like I've messed everything else up. I don't know what to think or do. 
Aside from his anger, do I sound like I'm complaining about nothing? Are other couples like this too? Should I just leave him alone? Am I being lazy about not learning to fix the house on my own? I do what I can. Do other people do these things too? Am I just whining? I'm a strong person and I don't think because he's a man that he should do everything around the house - I am totally willing to try. I just feel like I'm always going non-stop - I'm up until 10 cleaning & I was always studying & with the kids & he comes home & relaxes. I will find a job or go to grad school. I'm not lazy, I swear. I just feel so confused & alone & I have no one to talk to. I don't want anyone to think I want sympathy or that I'm whining. I just feel crazy. Any thoughts would be so appreciated.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

He's abusive. He's controlling. He has worn you to the point where you question yourself and your judgement. 

That's not right.

I think you need to gather yourself and get out. He needs help in a big way and if he won't get it, you have no choice but to leave so you can regain your sense of self-confidence. I believe you that you're not lazy and that you will find a job or go back to school. He'd probably rail against either of those though. 

Anyway, you aren't crazy. He is.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

It's bad enough that he says things to belittle you, but a five year girl will be scarred for life. That's terrible.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

He should appreciate how lucky he is to have someone like you and kiss your feet everyday as far as I am concerned. My W is very much like you with working on things around the house and we both help each other out and I really do enjoy spending time with her doing these things. He is abusing you and as dobo said making you doubt yourself. If there is a shred of possibility for him to change (maybe counseling) then try first. If there is no shred of possibility that he can change then don't walk out of the marriage - RUN! Before he physically hits you or your daughter. I can tell you that he is not a typical husband. Go with your gut instinct - you can do better if he doesn't get better.


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## missingme (Sep 28, 2009)

Thank you all so much. That was unexpected. I really can't guess at how other people's relationships are, so I don't feel like I understand what's normal. 

I'm looking for a job so that I can squirrel away some money in case I need to move out. I know it's sneaky, and I feel bad about it. But, I know that when I tell him I'm leaving, he will leave me with nothing. I will need money for an apartment some form of transportation to get to my job. 

I don't want anything from him and I won't fight for anything. What's the point? Anything that was mine should go to my kids anyway, and he's going to keep the few things he bought for me. Again, my kids can keep it all. I was thinking of selling my engagement ring to give me the money to move on, but I'm not sure who it belongs to legally. Besides, it feels dishonest. 

Overall, I just want to walk away with joint custody of my kids. I don't care if he beats me or whatever, just as long as I get away. Then I have to worry that my daughter is safe. 

I'm not sure if my living situation will affect my custody request. I need to understand more about joint custody - will I have to pay half of everything, even if I am making less than he? In the last few years, he's been making btwn 200-250 K. I'm looking at 40-50K. I know that's a good amount of money for most parts of the country, but I live in the NYC area, and the cost of living is high. Since I just graduated, I have huge college loans to pay off. All these things worry me as I don't have a credit card in my name, and all our assets - investments, the cars, the house - are in his name. I wonder if I can get a credit card despite my student loan debt and my not having a job. 

I wonder if I can represent myself in court to avoid paying a lawyer. 

So many questions. 

Anyway, thank you all so much for taking the time to read and respond. I'm not so disheartened now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You'll do fine in a divorce given your circumstances. Don't be afraid to take spousal support, either. You're going to need it to get on your feet. I'm in Orange County and work in Rockland and I know what you mean about the cost of living around here. 

He'll pay child support. And he may have to pick up your lawyer's fees. So please use a lawyer. You need someone to protect your interests as well as those of the children.


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