# Putting out the fires



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I have pretty much accepted the fact of my pending divorce. The difficulty I have having now is with the residual hostility on my wife's behalf. If it's not trying to take my dog to the SPCA, it's throwing out the stuff in my office, or "getting rid" of my fish is the front fountain. Yes "getting rid of" is an euphanism for killing.

I could go on, but many of you frequent TAM readers have already been subjected to these posts. Currently, her thing is continually attempting to change my plans for my custody weekend with our kids. She balks at letting me take them to church which has been the norm for them, and she is generally just difficult and combative. For the love of God, she won't even say or write my name. What is that about?

I have apologized for "my transgressions", and have tried to set a new tone, but she realy isn't "buying any of that". I have never cheated on her. I have never abused her. In her words, I was gone too much. It's pretty much just the nature of my job, and while I did neglect her; she was far from a loving wife to me. Regardless, our relationship has died, and while I regret that; I think we've both established it's time to move on, so let's move on. WTF, she was even the one that filed.

Her behavior has complicated things tremendously with our kids. I know she's not entirely well mentally, but I can't really do anything other than lovingly suggest she seeks care. I really don't want to be at war with this woman anymore. It just doesn't accomplish anything positive, and truth be told it's draining. 

What have I missed? I'm not looking for ploys, but what have you folks done to promote a more amicable post divorce relationship? I feel like I'm stuck in the 8th grade, and I'd like to graduate from Jr. High sometime soon.

LIL


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

She is just trying to pull you chain. Be civil and let her do all that, who will get tired first? Her by acting like a child and living her life focusing on doing you wrong? or you by not even commenting or reacting to her actions. 

Be patient, be the adult and moreover be the mature adult. This will end but at least you can finish it as an adult and be proud of how you managed the last stages of your marriage.

You can vent with us instead, that's what i do when I am running out of patience of my situation.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Spend your Sundays doing something else. Go to church yourself. Whatever you want.

Just don't fight with her.

The #1 predictor of psychological damage in children isn't how much they do or don't get to see you - it's the witnessing of conflict. She shoots herself in her own foot when she thwarts your ability to father your children and spend time with them. An attentive father is a commodity in her life and your kids life, not some nuisance or what some of the time ex-wives do - they see it as "leverage" over you.

I'm telling you - it works. Don't let her manipulate you that way. Just be "blah-zay" about seeing them, like you could certainly fill your time in other ways if that's how she's going to be.

It's not leverage -fathering children is work, a labor of love. . .I can personally think of 54.5 other things I would rather do than round up a bunch of kids (yes, even my own), get them dressed and to behave right in church on a Sunday morning.

Let's see. . .I'd rather sleep, exercise, go for a walk, have a roll in the hay with a new woman, work an extra shift, pay bills, clean up the shed, etc, etc., ect.. But you do it. She ought to be giving you an award.

Speak to her in a business-like fashion about all business transactions involving the children cause that's all a divorce is - the final business transaction in your marriage with an extended partnership on child-rearing.

That's about the best you can do.

I just read a good book that helped me deal with my own anger and is helping me complete my "Emotional Divorce" - the book was called "Divorce and New Beginings." It was published in 2000 but I still recommend it and it has a chapter on dealing and defusing difficult ex-spouse communications.

I know this week my wife has had a "murderous" look on her face - just a look of fury and rage. I advise all (my mother) to just avoid her.

Anway, the book helped complete matters with me on the male perspective in divorce.

The final order of business is for you to:

1. Say goodbye to your old family.
2. Promise to always help take care of the kids.
3. Say goodbye to the old marriage, releasing her of her obligations to you and your obligations to her (reverse wedding vows - maybe give back rings of pledge)
4. Say goodbye to your old home.
5. Thank her, even if just in your head, for enrichening your life, because it's rare that any wife or husband didn't enrich you in some way. My stb-x wife certainly enriched my life and I thank her for it.
6. Minimize all further contact with her. You have said good-bye after all.

Good luck.


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Lil , seeing how you are a church going man. I suggest you just be thankful. Yea its rough. Thankful you can still be with your kids and at times take them to church. Your wife is going to be whatever she will be. You on the other hand do not. You know better and are doing better. Keep doing what your doing and leave all up to Him. 

I filed for divorce but if she whole heartedly wanted to dig down deep we could work it out with God being in the picture. Other then that I pray for her safe keeping and that in some way she is blessed whether she can see it or not. Then I roll on.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

She is trying to get a reaction out of you....yes sometimes even a negative reaction people like. DON'T GIVE HER THE SATISFACTION. Keep calm and carry on. Someone has to be the adult and unfortunately she is not going to be the one.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Wow, I offered her the kids for Mother's Day and she didn't want them. She says she already sees them "more than enough". I was the only single guy in church with a handful of kids today. For a moment I thought they were going to call me up, and give me a jar of pickles or something.

My oldest girl told me this weekend that my wife is thinking about "taking me back." The sad thing is my wife doesn't have that kind of authority. At this point I don't think I want her back, but how do you tell that to a 13 year old kid? I no longer want to be married to Gomer.

LIL


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