# Should I stay, or should I go?



## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

So. maybe I'm in the wrong forum. I don't know, this is my first time here. I'm writing this as a last ditch effort to try to make some sense of my current situation.

My husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7, and known each other for almost 17yrs. He's truly one of my favorite people(sometimes). 
During the course of our marriage I became unemployed and we decided that being a stay at home housewife would work for us. And honestly, for the most part it does. (except now I feel stuck in a mess)
Also, during the course of our marriage my husband and I have both been unbearable due to depression or anxiety issues. He was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder and currently takes quite a few meds to manage that. 
However, those medications have caused his sex drive to wane. It took several months for me to coax him to go to a doctor to address this. And when he finally did, we found out he also has very low testosterone. I do not know the solution to this, yet, as this is a newer diagnosis.
So, while I have no desire to kick my husband while he's down, I also am really lacking hope. I want to be supportive and stay through everything. And honestly, that would be no problem if my husband didn't have anger issues. 
And that's where the real problem is. He drinks beer every Friday with his medications. It's a hit or miss situation, sometimes good, often unbearable. He becomes mean to me. Calling me names, telling me he wishes I would die, etc. 
Tonight I am sick and supposed to be resting, and he has forced me to leave the bedroom, or he says he'll go out and drive around drunk. When I try to stand up for myself and beg him not to speak to me that way it only gets worse. I get scared, and recoil to tears. (I'm in no way perfect, but I did not call him names or insult him. I did not even raise my voice. This is the typical scenario. Me being bullied, when I'm feeling down)
Then he typically forces me to apologize for causing the whole situation. I do, just to calm things down. But when do I get an apology for the mean words and threats? I told him very clearly tonight that I was very hurt, and that an apology would help. He told me to **** off, and kicked me out of bed. I am soooo sick too. I really want to rest. And the more I think about it, he often does this when I'm ill. Last time I had pneumonia a few years back he was really nasty to me while I was at my worst. Then all the crying makes all the sickness worse. 
So, my mind says...Just pack your things and go.
And my mind then reminds me that I am dependent on this man for almost everything(my mistake, but how do I fix it now?)
Also, I wonder....maybe I need to just stick in here until he can get his medical issues worked out. I did vow in sickness and in health, good times, and bad. I am desperate to save things, and do the right thing. Problem is...I don't know what's right anymore.

Any help would be appreciate. Thanks!


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Have you told your husband all of this? That you are unhappy and questioning your marriage to him?

If not how do you expect him to change?

If so... you have your answer.
He needs to know your concerns...give him a chance to fix them.
You cannot be afraid to lose him IF you want to save your marriage and make it workable.

When it comes to stuff like this you have to be willing to be OK without the other.... or you will never fix this dynamic you and he created.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Not only have I told him repeatedly. When stable, he fully agrees that he's mean to me. He always apologizes, changes for awhile, and then just when I feel like I can relax....he breaks me down again, with insults, threats, and semi-violent behavior. 
Yesterday, he told me that he don't care what I want. He is the man, and things will be his way. 
I wonder if some of this is due to his medical issues, or if he really just hates me?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> Not only have I told him repeatedly. When stable, he fully agrees that he's mean to me. He always apologizes, changes for awhile, and then just when I feel like I can relax....he breaks me down again, with insults, threats, and semi-violent behavior.
> Yesterday, he told me that he don't care what I want. He is the man, and things will be his way.
> I wonder if some of this is due to his medical issues, or if he really just hates me?



Assuming that's true (I don't know his side though)

LEAVE seriously you deserve better.... sorry it came to this.
Give him an ultimatum/deadline or just call it quits.
Make your choice stick with it and move on with your life.

You tried.

PS... how is your sex life with him? (Want to see his side)


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

I'm so scared to leave. I feel like he may do something to harm himself if I go. Plus, I really have no where to go. 

He really is having medical problems, and I feel like I'm dishonoring my vows if I leave during a time of sickness.
But in all honesty. I am sick with the flu for the past few days, and instead of being nice to me and helping out. He looked me strait in the eye and said, "I hope you die"

I guess I'm just so heartbroken over the whole situation that it keeps me confused. 
Overall, I'm scared. Scared to stay, scared to go...

Does anyone know about low testosterone issues? My doctor told me it could be making him irritable, and likely to lash out...


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> I'm so scared to leave. I feel like he may do something to harm himself if I go. Plus, I really have no where to go.
> 
> He really is having medical problems, and I feel like I'm dishonoring my vows if I leave during a time of sickness.
> But in all honesty. I am sick with the flu for the past few days, and instead of being nice to me and helping out. He looked me strait in the eye and said, "I hope you die"
> ...



He has dishonored his vows already.. you can only control your actions.

"i hope you die?" = " See ya" why are you still around him...unless...

Could be meds talk directly to his doctor and tell them that you are planning to leave but you want to know if its the meds. The doctor may be able to talk to your husband about the meds and your concerns.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

So, now it's okay to dishonor my vows? 

I don't know about that. I do feel hated. 

Thank you for encouraging me to leave, Trying2figureitout, 
but that makes me feel like I'm kicking him when he's down.

I'm not the type of person that wishes to retaliate. I just wish for him to be healthy, and happy. I wish that for myself too, but honestly, he has so many problems that I feel my only focus is him, and getting him better. Maybe this is part of the process? 

Why do you think he dishonored his vows? Why do you think I need to get out now. I'm sorry if I sound dumb. I'm seriously so sad and confused(and ill) right now that I barely have the energy to stay on the computer. Also, too nervous to sleep...
Marriage is not what I expected.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> So, now it's okay to dishonor my vows?
> 
> I don't know about that. I do feel hated.
> 
> ...


Based on what you have said he has not cherished you at all.
That is a vow.

Like I said talk to the doctor directly and see where that goes...let the doctor know you can't handle this situation... see what they say.

After that tell your husband his behaviors are UNACCEPTABLE and you will not tolerate X Y Z

You have to bring this to a head! and prepare yourself to leave him if you must.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

I did talk to the doctor. And his meds are all messed up, along with now finding out that he has Low Testosterone. 
The doctor told me that I need to be very patient with him. But I agree, wishing me dead??? come on, it's just too much sometimes. And then he blames me for all of it. He forced me to apologize for angering him last night. So, I have to take responisibility for my actions and his? So wrong! I guess I know deep down that I need to get out. But I really, really, want him to get better. The doctor thought me leaving may put him into a suicidal state. I would never forgive myself if anything happened to him because I left..


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Assuming that's true (I don't know his side though)
> 
> LEAVE seriously you deserve better.... sorry it came to this.
> Give him an ultimatum/deadline or just call it quits.
> ...


NO SEX LIFE for almost a year, due to Low testosterone and side effects of anti-depressant meds. During stable times he tells me these are the reasons we don't have sex. During unstable times, he tells me we don't have sex because he thinks I'm ****. And he doesn't like how I behaved in college. 
He cannot forgive my past(which is no big thing, I was just a party girl, he wast there with me back then, I don't get it)
I do get, that he is sick, and I am told that if he can get stable again , then things will improve. I don't know if I can take much more rejection.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> So, now it's okay to dishonor my vows?
> 
> I don't know about that. I do feel hated.
> 
> ...


Based on what you have said he has not cherished you at all.
That is a vow.

Like I said talk to the doctor directly and see where that goes...let the doctor know you can't handle this situation... see what they say.

Listen its up to you,,, I put up with three years sexless (9x three years) I stuck it out. But that wasn't same type of abuse... I can handle that and things will improve.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Also, sorry if I'm doing this wrong. still learning.

I am not perfect. I do get mad and yell sometimes. The worst thing I called him last night during his barrage of insults was a ding-dong. I try to to call names in anger. And you should've seen how he re-acted to me calling him a ding dong. OMG! Yet, he takes no responsiblity for his behavior(the doctor told me this is classic bipolar behavior. Coupled with the low t...I don't know if there's hope)
I know his mind is a mess. and while the name calling and yelling hurts me, and scares me. I feel that I need to be patient and keep hope, and I don't even know why anymore. 
I guess because I love this man. And I do take my vows seriously. I'm confused, and feel like I'm not thinking strait. 
Thank your for communicating with me. I don't know what I'd do without this forum right now. Typing these things out is helping me gain a little clarity.
If this were someone else, and I were looking in from the outside, I'd say GET OUT! But, for whatever reason it's not that simple for me. I know it sounds dumb, but I don't even know how to get out...


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

These descriptions are SCARY. The way you live is no marriage, it's not even a life. So of course my advice is to get out of there as quickly as possible (seriously... "I hope you die" right to your face? The vows are in the toilet already. Illness is no excuse for saying those things.)

Now, if you have no access to money there are still things to do. Do you have kids? Does he have a car? Pack your things discreetly, squirrel away every available dollar you can (he may turn violent if he knows you're leaving) and be ready to just get in the car and drive away at a moment's notice. You don't deserve any kind of abuse.

National Domestic Violence Hotline you can call them up to talk to them about your situation, or search for shelters local to you. Or just browse the website for information about planning to leave or what your options are.

What he does with himself after you leave is all up to him. You can't change his behaviour by staying, and you can't 'save' him by staying.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

It is SCARY here. 
We do not have kids. We do have cats that I love like kids, and I know I couldn't take them with if I leave right away.
I guess I need a plan of action. 
I guess I just want things to work out so badly. He's made me feel like I don't deserve better because I was a "party girl" in my past.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Does he have any family you or he could turn to? Do you? I understand your hesitation to kick him when he's down, but the alternative is he keeps kicking you when he's down and pretty hard I might add. His issues are not your fault and everyone deserves better, including you.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

He has only one brother who lives very far away.
I just called my mom to discuss, and she ended up yelling at me and threatening to call my husband and get involved. I begged her not to do that. She hung up on me because she said, I need to stick this out and get a thicker skin. Mind you she's been in an abusive marriage for 30 some odd years to my step-dad that was also abusive to me. 
So, she's not really the person I should turn to, but that's all I could come up with. Darn, now I feel worse. I'm isolated out side of this forum. Thank you so much for communicating with me...
I'm feeling so stuck in a bad situation. 
I just want an apology from my husband, but even then I'll just be walking on eggshells wondering what will set him off next. This is one of my worst days.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

No, you GET OUT. Get away from him. 
This is abuse, regardless of his health issues. 
Maybe you leaving will prompt your mom into doing the same. NO ONE should stay in an abusive relationship. He is manipulating you also, into being the "bad guy" by bringing up your past. Because of your past (abusing step-father) you will have to fight the urge to "settle" with this behavior being ok. It's a vicious cycle with abuse. Plays with your head. Tries to justify staying. That and your past making you feel "unworthy". This is NOT the case. Mind trick. 
Muchoconfuso, you are worthy to be treated like a princess, and you should be. Get out of this situation.
No, you need to leave. Find somewhere to go.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You can make all of the excuses in the world for him but he is extremely abusive & has robbed you of your self-esteem. Of course you should leave & go to a shelter but I caution you that your leaving may make him go off the deep end & he could physically harm you.

Start making a plan. Save some money. Research on the internet about how to leave an abusive partner. Good luck.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Emerald said:


> You can make all of the excuses in the world for him but he is extremely abusive & has robbed you of your self-esteem. Of course you should leave & go to a shelter but I caution you that your leaving may make him go off the deep end & he could physically harm you.
> 
> Start making a plan. Save some money. Research on the internet about how to leave an abusive partner. Good luck.


:iagree:


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Did you ever cheat on him? Emotionally or physically?

What is it about the party girl past he has such a problem with?


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

I never have cheated on him emotionally or physically. 
Even when we separated for 8months(3yrs ago). I never cheated or even dated other men. I have no reason to think that he's cheating now especially with his medical issues. And he's here with me all the time...Anyway...

My party girl past is that I was a pretty big binge drinker back in my younger days. I was in college and thought it was all about fun. I got a dui eventually, and also experimented with drugs. 
I traveled and racked up debt going to mardi gras and other stuff just for fun(I still graduated on time with honors). So, he says I've lived more and he didn't have an opportunity to do that because he was busy studying and didn't have the money, or whatever.
Additionally, I had more sexual partners than him. I mean not a ton, I just dated a lot, and my hub at the time was not dating a lot. I always liked him, and we dated a little but never slept together during college. I never really slept with anyone I wasn't in a relationship with. But he calls me a ***** for having more partners than him. I don't really know how many partners he's had because he's told me a few different numbers over the years(I don't really care. I like to leave the past in the past)
And while he doesn't bring this up often. He has since having the erectile dysfunction started. He tried to say that my past behavior caused his erectile difficulty. The doctor told me that with the meds he on coupled with his low testosterone, that there's very little chance he could get an erection at all. And, he never had a problem before all of the medical issues. We had a great sex life when we first got together. I miss that. I miss feeling loved.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

muchoconfuso said:


> I miss feeling loved.


Love doesn't hurt.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> I never have cheated on him emotionally or physically.
> Even when we separated for 8months(3yrs ago). I never cheated or even dated other men. I have no reason to think that he's cheating now especially with his medical issues. And he's here with me all the time...Anyway...
> 
> My party girl past is that I was a pretty big binge drinker back in my younger days. I was in college and thought it was all about fun. I got a dui eventually, and also experimented with drugs.
> ...


Was he like this before the medications?

Can you point to a specific time the marriage started down the wrong path?
If so...What happened around that time?


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

Ok. He was like this before medication, actually worse. He improved a lot with medication initially. He also stopped drinking for a good bit, and then gradually started having a few beers here and there. When that didn't seem to cause a problem he started having about a six pack every Friday night(this continues today). 

As far as a specific point when things went wrong is hard for me to say. As I mentioned before we did separate once for 8 months or so. This was after we had only been married for a year. A lot of things went wrong. We went to counseling together and apart. And after all those months apart we decided we could put it all behind us, and start again.
Things felt great at that time. We moved, got a new house, and really had a fresh start. Then slowly over time, my husband became aggressive when drinking. Initially, I would panic, and get defensive. Not good because he was drunk, and confrontational. Eventually I just started trying to stay occupied with my own things books, whatever, on boozy nights. 
That worked for awhile. But after a few times of getting called names, and put down. I got hurt bad. I'm still hurt. I believe that he doesn't even acknowledge that he's hurt me. He does not apologize unless asked. And he does not change the behavior. 

We were having these issues when we separated years ago. And now I feel like they're back. I keep trying to remind my husband of the things we learned from in counseling, but he mocks me, and says I don't wanna hear your psycho babble. I try to wait until he calms down to talk to him, and express how I'm feeling, and he calls me selfish. He always just tells me to drop it and move on...
It's hard for me to do that because I'm still hurting.

Meanwhile, the doctors are telling me that this is text book bipolar behavior. About a year ago, we had a similar problem, but he went to the doctor, got some changes made(even saw a counselor on his own for a few sessions). And things really improved.
Now here we are again. It's a roller coaster and I'm ready to get off. I'm just not sure that's the right thing to do.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Go...I imagine there's better for you out there.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

And now he just got all jammed up about me resting because I'm sick. So he left to drink. Great. I guess I know what I gotta do. Why is it so hard for me to get up and GO?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry but his bipolar meds aren't working very well. You can't fix him or his extreme anger issues. Again, be very careful should you choose to leave.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

muchoconfuso said:


> And now he just got all jammed up about me resting because I'm sick. So he left to drink. Great. I guess I know what I gotta do. Why is it so hard for me to get up and GO?



Its hard because deep down you care for him.... I saw you guys said you would start over , he fell back into the same bad behaviors... That's breaking a contract with you...time to exit. He cannot be trusted and will not change. Sorry..

Give a person one chance then go. I'm giving my wife that one chance, just like she did me. I think we'll be ok.


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## muchoconfuso (Sep 22, 2012)

I know I need to be careful should I choose to leave. And that's a big reason why I don't go asap. I really don't want to exacerbate his mood problems. His doctor made some adjustments to medications last week, I know it will take time to start working(If it works at all). Surely the drinking can't help...he seems fine now. I just hate the anxiety I feel wondering how bad things could get. 
I did some laundry, and packed up my essentials like medications, toiletries, and a few changes of clothes. So, I can go if I need to. I don't have access to a lot of money, and my car is kind of a junker. 

My mom did say I could come to here house. But, I'm kinda scared to go there too. She's there with my mean step-dad, and they always drink. 

I'm also scared that if I leave then I can never come back again. But more than anything, I'm scared of how he'll react to my leaving...I'm worried he could lash out violently at me or turn suicidal on himself...especially with alcohol added to the equation.
I do care for him deeply. It kills me to see him struggle in this way. This is not the fun-loving man I met 17yrs ago..

And he did break a contract with me and fall into old behavior. I never thought of it that way. You all have been so amazingly helpful and supportive. I'm so grateful for this forum right now. I am finding strength that I didn't think I had...thank you all. 
Any other advice will still be most appreciated...muchoconfuso.


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