# Is it to late???



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

My wife and I have been married 13 years and have 2 children…..10 and 7. I always thought; despite what I thought were normal ups and downs; that we had a good marriage. We are best friends. We laugh together, have the same sense of humor, same tastes in movies, enjoy doing the same things. Our sex life also seemed normal to me. Sometimes hot sometimes cold, but nothing seemed wrong to me.

10 months ago, she finally told me that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for several years. This took me by surprise and was quite a shock. 

A lot has happened in those past 10 months and what I ‘ve come to realize through sole searching and talking with my wife is that I have been emotionally and verbally abusive to her for quite some time. I guess I always knew I was doing it, but I also was very loving and sensitive to her needs; a great father, earner, friend and lover. 

I would accuse her of having affairs and not having feeling for me, even when there wasn’t ever any reason to except for the fact that she wouldn’t want to have sex as often as I did. In addition when we got into arguments about things I would say things to her like “why do you always……….” or “ why can’t you be more like…….”. It seemed like the more I acted this way over the years, the more she would do or say things that annoyed me and that made me chose to act this way more.

I am indeed very much in love with my wife and I am extremely sorry for the way I treated her, but I fear the damage has been done. I have been going to therapy for a couple of months and have finally accepted the fact that I have been an insecure, jealous and obsessive person all my life. After finally understanding this it was like having a weight removed from my shoulders. I feel much more in control of my actions, I have been much more understanding and much less demanding or judgmental. I actually feel good about myself and am working very hard to live for today and to not get lost in the past or the future. 

Despite all of this, my wife still tells me that her feelings have not changed and that she simply doesn’t have romantic feelings for me and that she is very confused. She loves me, thinks I’m a great guy and a great friend, a great father, a great worker and a great family person. She likes my friends, I don’t have any substance abuse and there really isn’t anything wrong with me……but for some reason she just can’t get past the fact that she sees me more as a friend then a lover. We have not been intimate for many many months. She also won’t go to couples counseling with me because she doesn’t think it will help since her feelings have changed for me and doesn’t know if she wants to stay married.

I know that some of you will probably think that there must be someone else in the picture. I have read many of these message boards and almost always there is someone saying “get rid of her cause she’s already replaced you”….or “get a tracking device and see where she goes”. Believe me, I suspected this might be the case when she told me what she did 10 months ago and that was a subject of great stress for us for a while. Through a lot of talking and arguing and digging (that I’m not proud of but happened prior to my going to therapy) I’ve come to believe her when she says that there isn’t anyone else and there never has been. 

I have come a long way over the last few months and am ready to be the man that I always should have been to her. We still live together and are civil with each other and even have fun times together, but the romance and intimacy and physical contact of any kind is completely gone. I know I hurt her but is it too late to get her back? I have been living on the couch in the sunroom all this time. We started talking about me moving out for a while to get some time apart but when I asked her what she hopes to accomplish by this she responded “I’m not sure”. She says that she isn’t sure she wants to try to love me again because she is afraid she will get hurt again. I understand why she feels this way, but I want to convince her that I will never hurt her that way again.

I know I was wrong in the past. I have apologized many times. I know that for a while over the past 10 months I was so devastated by what was happening that I didn’t handle it too well and became very needy, pathetic and depressed. I know that acting this way certainly didn’t help matters. What woman would be attracted to and want to be with a man who doesn’t act like a man? 

I feel all this however, is in the past for me now. I have changed and continue to change every day. I have read books about “how to get your lover back”, and “Zen, the art of happiness” along with doing exercises with my therapist to help me cope with situations better. I no longer feel possessive, obsessive or insecure. All I feel is a strong love and desire for my wife and a sadness that she doesn’t feel the same way for me, which I try not to show because I’m trying to only be happy, positive and fun when I’m with her in an attempt to show her the new man that I am.

I know I am doing all the right things and yet it doesn’t seem to be working. I also know that my doing the right things will help me cope if things don’t work out with my wife, but I don’t want that to happen.

I guess I just would like to know from the women out there a few questions:

1.	Is it possible for a woman to stop being romantically and sexually attracted to someone based on the way they treat you even if you find them physically attractive and a good lover?
2.	Do you think it’s possible for a woman to get those feeling back for her man if he truly changes his ways and shows her with actions how much he loves her?
3.	If so, do you think it could happen in a matter of weeks? Months? 
4.	Do you think some time apart could help or hurt?

Thank you in advance for your advice.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

1.	Is it possible for a woman to stop being romantically and sexually attracted to someone based on the way they treat you even if you find them physically attractive and a good lover?

Absolutely. You have admitted to being emotionally abusive, which means you were probably way more abusive than you can even imagine. Yes.

2.	Do you think it’s possible for a woman to get those feeling back for her man if he truly changes his ways and shows her with actions how much he loves her?

Possibly. Depends on if the guy is willing to change. You seem to be wedded to the idea that you are still a great guy, despite those little emotional abuse problems. Huh. I'd say MC is a must.

3.	If so, do you think it could happen in a matter of weeks? Months? 

Months, maybe. Years, maybe. You dug this hole, so don't expect it to be filled in overnight.

4.	Do you think some time apart could help or hurt?

Depends on the personalities involved. If she wants some time away, who could blame her? If you want some time away, you need to figure out how to make her feel safe and know that you're not just out catting around.

You're on here, which is a good first step. I don't think you have a clue of how badly you have hurt her, but you are trying, and that is a great thing to do.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Thanks lamag. I just want to clearify that SHE is the one who says I'm a great guy. I was a jerk....I get it. I'm not taking my actions lightly as you seem to suggest....but i don't want to put words in your mouth.

I was wrong. I hurt her. It wasn't a small thing....it was huge and probably life changing.

I am however very sorry and very ready to change my ways.
It's her idea for me to move out for a while not mine so I don't think she thinks i'll be catting around. She knows how much I lover her. 

I just hope she doesn't take the opportunity to cat around herself....but if she does....I guess I can't blame her. 

I messed up.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not a woman but ....

" she finally told me that she doesn’t have romantic feelings for me anymore and hasn’t for several years"

This is the dreaded I Love You But I'm Not In Love With You speech (ILYBNILWY). This is a bad sign! It's usually a sign that she's emotionally checked out of the marriage and it does sound that way in your case. Sorry

It's a great thing that you've been working on your issues. Keep going down this path regardless of what happens in your marriage

It is good you did snoop because then you realized it all you.

If you're to seperate and remain married, the two of you should discuss whether or not dating others is acceptable during this time and what the boundaries to dating are (sex)

Best of luck!


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

1.	Is it possible for a woman to stop being romantically and sexually attracted to someone based on the way they treat you even if you find them physically attractive and a good lover?

I don't know why it takes most women so long to finally get fed up. 13 years is ridiculous to me. It took me approximately 3 months to leave my abuser. It only took me that long because I was very confused and couldn't figure out why this was happening all of a sudden. He never hit me (I would have left right away if he had hit me, that is after breaking his bad knee), but the verbal and emotional abuse was terrible and confusing. I finally realized it didn't matter why he was treating me so badly. I realized that how much I didn't like it was all that mattered. THAT it was happening was more than I was willing to tolerate no matter how much I loved him and no matter how attractive he was.

Many women put up with it for even longer than your wife. Again, I don't get it, but now that she finally came to her senses, let me answer your question and tell you how she feels. She is disgusted by the thought of you touching her. Her skin crawls at the thought of you wanting sex with her. I'm not being mean or trying to make you feel worse than you already feel. I am telling you with all honesty how she feels. And, to take you back over the past 13 years, this is also how she felt during those times she didn't want to have sex with you. You reversed those feelings in her with your ill treatment. That's the way it is for women. It's a hormonal thing, where you reversed the chemical reactions to attraction. The same pheromones that attracted her to you reversed their affect and caused her to be disgusted by you. 

2.	Do you think it’s possible for a woman to get those feeling back for her man if he truly changes his ways and shows her with actions how much he loves her?

Yes, that is possible and you already knew the answer. You knew because of the 13 years of her getting those feelings back. You knew because of the rollercoaster of emotions that you put her through. When you were mean and turning her off, she couldn't get in the mood. When you were nice and meeting her needs, she again became more willing. It's just that now, she is finally fed up and thoroughly sick of you. She wants off the rollercoaster in order to try to redeem her self esteem and find herself again.

3.	If so, do you think it could happen in a matter of weeks? Months? 

The time frame cannot be measured. Either you will be patient and wait for it to happen or you won't. You ask this question because you are in a hurry - in a hurry to know how long it will take or in a hurry to for it happen. Whatever your reason for asking, I can understand not knowing is rather nerve wrecking. You will have to accept you are no longer controlling her. She has finally taken her power and control back, and you will have to just wait and see......or don't wait. It's up to you.

4.	Do you think some time apart could help or hurt?

Time apart can do nothing but help in the most wonderful ways. Unfortunately for you, I am not saying it will help you or your marriage. I am saying it will help her. It will help her immensely. She needs time to rediscover herself, rediscover her identity, and find the person she once knew herself to be. She needs to redeem and rebuild her self esteem, her sense of worth, and her sense of everything else that you robbed from her. She needs the time to replenish all the inner resources of strength and survival (ego and psyche) that you depleted over the course of 13 years. For too long, your unkind words and mistreatment destroyed her self confidence. She (as with most abused women) stayed so long because she was afraid to face the world without you since your treatment of her defined who she was to you. She was afraid that was the way the world sees her - as incapable and undeserving of love (since a man who claims to love her treats her like crap). Your definition of her became her identity. 

Now though, she is on to you and fed up. She no longer wishes her identity to be defined by you. She knows she deserves better or at least does not deserve to be treated badly. If after her self discovery she wants you back, then that is what you want and will be nice for you. If she feels she can find happiness with you again and not be disgusted, then that will be nice for her. Again, she needs the time away from you to know one way or the other.



ldobbler said:


> I have come a long way over the last few months and am ready to be the man that I always should have been to her.


I laughed out loud when I read that. You don't seem to understand it doesn't matter what you are ready for. She's fed up because she spent a lot of years being hurt. The question in her mind is why you were not that man in the second place......meaning why you became him because that's not the man she married. That's not the man you represented yourself to be when she met you and when she married you. You flipped personalities after marriage. So, in the first place, you were that man who claimed to love her, so she felt worthy as a person/woman and worthy of love and happiness. But then, in the second place, you became someone else - someone who told her she was worthless by your mistreatment. That's why she identified with your definition of her. At first, you loved her and everything was great, then your love became something awful and tedious. Nevertheless, she cannot be expected to jump just because you say you're ready. She was ready when she married you and was ready all the long.



ldobbler said:


> I have been emotionally and verbally abusive to her for quite some time.........but I also was very loving and sensitive to her needs


That is a contradiction in terms and makes no sense at all. You wrote that because you think it. Then afterward, you wrote a great number of times that you have changed. The truth is that by writing that statement, you prove you have not changed and have no idea of the magnitude of your actions. I hope I have enlightened you just a little.



Toffer said:


> If you're to seperate and remain married, the two of you should discuss whether or not dating others is acceptable during this time and what the boundaries to dating are (sex)


If you even considered taking this guy's advice to ask your wife this question, then you have accomplished absolutely zero despite your repeated claims to have changed. Please, please, believe me. If you thought even for one second this guy's advice to ask your wife this question was a good idea, you are still the insensitive jerk you have always been.

Please do not respond to what I just stated. It was not a question and did not require a response from you, nor do I want a response. So please don't. What I stated was meant only for the purpose of you doing more soul searching and come up with the answer for yourself. I don't care to hear any rhetorical or obligatory response that you knew better and didn't like his suggestion. It doesn't matter to me because I already know the answer, particularly since some very insensitive guy suggested it. That indicates and really condones what I know of how insensitive men can be. But again, your answer doesn't matter to me and does not affect my life. I am not the one exclaiming to have changed from the rooftops. If, when reading his suggestion, you thought "Well, okay, I'll make sure we have that discussion" or any similar thought, then you need to look deep within yourself to try to figure out why you thought you have made any progress in changing whatsoever.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Thank you River for your stern and honest reply. This is the kind of advice/perspective I was hoping to get from this forum. 

Unfortuneatly my wife has never expressed her feelings as descriptively. I think understand why thou. She never was much of a talker when it came to feelings but because of the way I treated her I'm sure she feels her feelings aren't important. I've been such a jerk and I am truely sorry for my actions.

I in no way believe I am 'cured' yet. I know my issues have been with me long before I met her and it will be a life long battle for me if I am to truely change my ways. Your words struck a nerve and make me want to change all the more....for both of us.

Time appart will hopefully help us both to re-discover who we are and then..........who knows, but I owe it to her to give her the opportunity to take back what I've taken from her. I just hope it isn't too late because I do truely lover her. I wish I could have focused on that more over the years.....but I cant dwel in the past. I can only learn from it and move forward and hope that I havent completely killed the wonderful woman she is.

Thank you again. I wish you all the happiness in the world.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

River1977- I just wanted to let you know how much you've helped me and hopefully my wife.

I asked her to read my post "Is it to late??" and also your reply. When she finished I asked her if your accurately described how I've made her feel and she said that you did. All this time, I had no idea.

She was never interested in going to counseling and she never was able to express to me how she was feeling. I don't blame her....I just wish she could have told me a long time ago...but what's done is done.

I will be moving out for a while to give her the space she needs and frankly deserves after the way I've treated her. I hope that it isn't too late for us but at least now I understand what happened and she understands that I understand. Only time will tell where we go from here.

Thank you helping us get to this common ground.

God bless.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I'm really happy you say I have helped, ldobbler. If I may interject 2 more of my cents:

I don't know what you mean by "a while," but you need to know you may not have any answers soon. Perhaps you meant a month, two, three. Whatever you meant, it may take longer than that. I think a good suggestion is for the two of you to approach the separation strategically. Agree on a time frame for you to leave her be - for x amount of time (a month or two perhaps), and then, whether she thinks it's necessary or not, you both begin marriage counseling at the end of that time. Give counseling another month or two (more if necessary), and then see what happens. See if she is ready to try again by that time.

I think counseling will be very, very beneficial and the reason is that a lot will come out during the sessions. You and she both need to be able to express yourselves, and good counselors are quite adept at making each person reach down deep. You need to know and she REALLY needs to know why you behaved the way you did. You may have done the soul searching and came to recognize/acknowledge your actions, but you need a safe outlet to explore the reasons and to share them with her. At the same time, she needs to be able to tell you in her own words how you affected her and why she wants this separation. It may be that she wants time apart for a while, and it may be that she wants the marriage to be over. Whatever her decision, it's best she feels safe enough to tell you so.

By "safe" (on both your parts), I don't mean a place free from danger. I don't imagine your own living room is unsafe in that respect. I mean a place within your heart and outside your ego to be able to expose and share the deepest, most inner parts of yourselves to and with each other.

But, please don't try to force or even urge her to try any systematic approach or anything else. She is no mood for you to try exerting any power or control over her, nor does she feel inclined to do you any such favor. Just make the suggestion, and take her answer without protest if she says no or doesn't want to talk about it. If she agrees, then all the better.

Something I neglected to mention before, with such a novel I tried to curtail to no avail, is the hurt she felt and still feels. She doesn't remember every argument. Even though a lot of the arguments and awful things you said to her do find a way to creep back into her thoughts (and make her shudder), she doesn't remember every single one of them. What she does remember and will never forget is the hurting. All the while, she was loving you. All the while, you were hurting her. She couldn't believe it and couldn't make sense of it. Even though she doesn't remember every single one, she still shudders just from the thought of you hurting her. It's a lot to bear. It's so much to bear that I fear I failed miserably to describe or explain it. But, my point in trying is for you to understand how important it is for you to reveal your inner self to her. Saying "I'm sorry" is commendable. It takes a big and remorseful man to apologize and an even bigger one to truly change. Still, "I'm sorry" doesn't make the hurt go away. She needs to know why you behaved that way in the first place. I implore you to dig deeper. During your time of giving your wife space, begin individual counseling. Tell your therapist it is important for you to discover that so so you know for yourself and can share the reasons with your wife. It will mean a lot to her and just might positively affect your future together. 

I bet this article sounds familiar to you......
The Walk-Away Wife Syndrome

This movie and it's accompanying book will be helpful during marriage counseling.
Fireproof and The Love Dare


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I really do hope that your wife gets into counseling. At this point, individual counseling would probably help her quite a bit. 

River’s question, “Why did your wife wait so long to finally get fed up?”, is a very important one for your wife to ask herself and to work through. It’s important for herself. She will most likely repeat this behavior until she understands why she allowed this to go on for so long. There are things she can learn in how to recognize and deal with the situation.

If the two of you divorce, the chances of her getting into a similar situation again are very high.

If the two of you stay together, even if you change 100% for the better, if she does not learn how to voice her needs and act on them as things happen you and she will not be able to recover your marriage. 

You both have issues that need to be dealt with individually.


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## mompres (May 1, 2012)

ldobbler said:


> River1977- I just wanted to let you know how much you've helped me and hopefully my wife.
> 
> She was never interested in going to counseling and she never was able to express to me how she was feeling. I don't blame her....I just wish she could have told me a long time ago...but what's done is done.
> 
> God bless.


If she had told you, you wouldn't have heard her and probably would have belittled her feelings if you were as abusive as you claim. Fix yourself and continue getting counseling and perhaps you can be a better man _in your next relationship_. If she wants to leave please let her. She probably needs to get herself straightened out as much as you do. Being abused like that does a number on your self esteem, among other things. You both need to find happiness. I wish you both the best.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

We have talked about the possibility of a temporary separation, but my wife is very indecisive. I finally took matters into my own hands, found a small month to month apartment and moved out a few days ago. We still need to work out the details about when I will see the kids and we are planning on spending the weekend together at our home since we have family/friend obligations. As of next week the separation officially begins and I’m a little worried about how I will handle being alone for the first time in my life.

Separating is in a way my gift to her and compensation for all of the mental BS I put her through over the years. She is very grateful and told me she is excited. At first this scared me, but she went on to say that she is excited to see what happens to us. She just needs some time apart although she isn’t sure what she hopes it will accomplish. 

My therapist has asked me to ask my wife to join us in our next session....not for marriage counseling.....just so she can see and understand where I'm at and what I'm doing. I asked and she isn't sure she will go. I'm not going to push.

I love her dearly and don’t want to lose her. Of course I fear that I may have already, but the only thing I can do at this point is to back off and give her space to heel, find herself and see if she can put our past behind us. I find myself telling her how sorry I am and how attracted to her I still am and how much I still love her. I’m afraid that by doing so, she may feel I am pushing her and right now the last thing she needs or wants is to be pushed. It’s just so hard. I love her. I screwed up. I’m sorry for how I treated her. But none of that can fix the damage that has been done. IF she is able to heel and IF she decides to take a chance with me again, it needs to come from her and only from her; which means I need to back off.

How do I stop pushing and back off when I care so deeply; honestly understand the negative role I played in the relationship and want her back so badly? I used to push because I was being controlling, now I fear I’m pushing because I want her to understand how sorry I am. I guess it’s still a form of controlling although to me the sentiment behind it seems different. I’m sure to her it’s the same thing though. It doesn’t matter how sorry I am or if I’m going to therapy to help get control of my issues. It’s not about me…it’s about her and I'm worried that I will have moments of weekness and contact her when we're not supposed to be in contact.

I need help/advice. They say if you love someone set them free…..but they never tell you how to do so without going crazy.

I used to think the greatest pain I ever felt was when my wife told me that her feelings for me have changed……now I know the greatest pain I’ve ever felt is understanding how badly I hurt her but not having any power to fix it.

I know that this time is for her, but I need to take care of myself as well. I hope I'm strong enough to let go of her.

I miss her.


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## 9966 (Feb 4, 2012)

I am in this same position with my H:

1. Is it possible for a woman to stop being romantically and sexually attracted to someone based on the way they treat you even if you find them physically attractive and a good lover?

A. For women it's not necessarily about how you look, but about how you treat us. In my case I literally am repulsed by my H and the thought of him touching me sexually makes me want to barf or convulse. I have absolutely no sexual feelings towards him and if he even talks about sex, I shudder and shut it down immediately. We do not touch intimately at all - no kissing, hugging, hand holding. If those things are gone for you too, she's checked out emotionally just as I have. This is from years of being treated badly by you and from you not bothering to listen to what she has to say about what is going wrong or not working for her. It makes me so mad because you sound just like my H in that you have suddenly "seen the light" and want to work it out when it seems your wives may already be passed the point of caring anymore. It's like really?!? How drastic does something have to get or how hard do you have to get hit over the head with something before you realize that you have lost something because you failed to act/listen/care? CRAZY!

2. Do you think it’s possible for a woman to get those feeling back for her man if he truly changes his ways and shows her with actions how much he loves her?

A. Hmmm...not sure. In my case, I am trying to figure that out with MC. We have a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old. This is my 2nd marriage and I want to make it work mostly because of the kids at this point; however, I refuse to be a martyr going through life miserable because I think my kids will be damaged by a divorce. As another poster said, our kids know we are no Ozzie and Harriet. They know we are not hugging and kissing like the parents on t.v., etc. 

I think it will be tough for you to prove to your wife that you have really changed and that the changes will withstand the test of time. It's always easy to make short term changes, but continuing on with those changes and making your new behavior a part of your regular life for the ongoing years is what's hard. You may get tired of trying to prove yourself all the time and she may get tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and of you returning to your previous abusive behavior. Again, MC seems very necessary here.

3. If so, do you think it could happen in a matter of weeks? Months? 

A. Not without both parties being open to it and a lot of MC. Both people would need to be committed to making changes, growing, and learning how to better meet the needs of their spouse. There would still be no guarantee that this would work.

4. Do you think some time apart could help or hurt?

A. In my situation, if we separate, it's highly unlikely that I would get back together. I feel like I'm already living a separate life and not having him around would actually be easier than having him there.

Good luck to you. I hope you can make the necessary changes that are needed and be able to convince your W that they are real.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

ldobbler said:


> We have talked about the possibility of a temporary separation, but my wife is very indecisive. I finally took matters into my own hands, found a small month to month apartment and moved out a few days ago. We still need to work out the details about when I will see the kids and we are planning on spending the weekend together at our home since we have family/friend obligations. As of next week the separation officially begins and I’m a little worried about how I will handle being alone for the first time in my life.
> 
> Separating is in a way my gift to her and compensation for all of the mental BS I put her through over the years. She is very grateful and told me she is excited. At first this scared me, but she went on to say that she is excited to see what happens to us. She just needs some time apart although she isn’t sure what she hopes it will accomplish.
> 
> ...


You shouldn't be posting things like this, ldoppler. If you want her to see it knowing she is aware of your thread here, it won't necessarily have the affect you intend. And, you shouldn't post things like this for your own sake. You need to get strong so you can get through this however it turns out. The more you give in to and focus on your sadness, the harder it is on you. I know this period of remorse and grief is normal but the longer you allow yourself to wallow, the longer you drive yourself nuts. Next time you want to cry, let it out for only 1 minute (limit yourself), and then find something to do to get your mind off of wanting to cry. The next time you are missing her, pick up a good and engrossing book. The book worked wonders for me during a breakup. As much as I missed him; as badly as I wanted to call him and hear his voice; as much as I was tired of trying to resist answering his phone calls; as badly as I wanted to tell him I'd changed my mind about breaking up, the more I could tell how desperately I needed to get my mind off of all that because I was only driving myself nuts over it. I really hadn't changed my mind. I just mourned the relationship (or rather, I mourned what I wanted the relationship to be) so much that I was beginning to convince myself that going back was a good idea.......when i knew what an awful idea it truly was. So, I asked my mom for a good book to read. Even though I was really in no mood for reading, nothing else mattered once I made myself open it. That book was a lifesaver. I wasn't able to think about my problems and my self-pity because it grabbed me from page one and consumed all my time and attention. When I finished the book a few days later, nothing was nearly so intense, and I could logically deal with my emotions. That is what you need to do. Pick up a good book to relieve the heavy burden.


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## confuse&depress (Apr 12, 2012)

River1977 can u tell us the name.of the book
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

So I moved out about a week ago and things are tough. We still speak daily, about things kids related or things we need to do for other obligations.
My therapist asked me to ask if she would join us in our next session; but not to push.
I asked and she isn’t sure she knows what good it will do.
She also isn’t interested in couples counseling because she don’t know what good it will do.
She isn’t much of a reader and as far as I know, isn’t really talking to any friends or family about our situation.
In the past I’ve sent her links to some articles that I thought might be interesting or helpful for her; but I’m not even sure if she read them.
She’s trying to handle everything on her own which is commendable, but I worry that she isn’t getting the help she might need.

Based on everything that has happened, I know the best thing I can do is not push. The last thing she needs or wants right now is for me to try to control her.
But I do want her to get help but she isn’t even sure if she needs any help.
I’ll admit that a large part of my wanting her to get help is selfish. I want her back and I hope that if she can get the help she needs, she might want to give me another chance, but I also want her to get help so she can be herself again.

I think I know the answer to this ( but I value the opinions I’ve received on this site); but do you think she would take it as me trying to control her again if I were to give her a book or two to help her with the heeling process? As I type this, I feel like I know the answer is YES, if she wants to get a book she’ll get one; but I know her. She is very stubborn and I’m not sure she actually would go to the book store and look for a book. Is it wrong of me to try to give her a little push? I’m very confused and I want to do the right thing for her. I’m worried that if she doesn’t do anything and doesn’t seek any type of help, she will never be herself again and we will be stuck in a never ending unknown situation.

If I sound too pushy and not patient enough, I don’t mean to. I just know my wife and am worried about her (and myself admittedly).

If I’m wrong about this and you think it is a good idea to get her some books, can you recommend some?

I’m very confused about what the right thing to do is and I don’t want to upset her by doing the wrong thing. Her feelings come first over my want to get her back.

Thanks.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I’ve found this forum to be very helpful, so I’d like to thank you all for your input so far.

My wife and I have been separated for a few weeks now. I moved into an apartment nearby but we still talk/text almost daily. Mostly just talk about things that need to get done, or a nice brief conversation about a good day at work or a funny thing that happened. It’s actually been pretty nice.

She went with me to my therapist this week and we talked a little about separation logistics (kids, when/who to tell, time etc.) She made a comment to me that I looked good and noticed that I seemed to be showing signs of change. That was wonderful to hear from her.

She’s afraid to give me false hope for us so is a little unsure how to act with me…..which I fully understand and respect. I’ve stopped pushing and she is appreciating the space. My therapist explained to her how this is a great opportunity for us both to re-claim ourselves that seems to get messed up with marriage and kids. She said that this would be a good time for her to feel like she can get some power back in her life as I was too controlling for too long and took that power away. Again, I fully understand and respect. My wife agreed.

I am cautiously optimistic and hope she can finally breath and feel like herself again. My sessions with my therapist have been invaluable and I’ve been readings some of the books that have been suggested by members of this forum which also have been very helpful…thank you again.

What is a little confusing to me and what I am afraid of looking too much into is the fact that my wife keeps asking my opinion on different home projects; paint colors; new shudder colors; cabinet knobs etc. She keeps using the words “we should do…..or… would you like it if we……”. It’s wonderful to be hear her include me and it gives me hope, but I’m afraid to look too much into it. She doesn’t want to give me false hope, but in a way she is giving me hope……I hope it isn’t false.

She may not be aware she is doing it and I certainly don’t want to draw attention to it. I’ve asked too many questions and tried to control her too many times in the past which is why we are where we are. She seems happier and she is doing projects on her own which may be part of her getting her power back and feeling like a person again….not just a wife or a mother…..which I think is wonderful and fully support.

I know she still isn’t sure of her feeling for me, and she isn’t sure what she hopes to get out of the separation; but do you think it’s wrong of me to have hope for us based on what she has been doing and saying?

Thanks.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are you doing today?

_Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


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