# Too Much Pain . . .



## Zeb (Dec 2, 2008)

I'm not looking for a solution, because there is no easy one. I am just looking for ideas.
I have been with my husband for 31 years. We have two beautiful children and one fabulous grandaughter. Until 2 1/2 yr ago, we were doing just fine... normal problems, but fine. Then the bottom dropped out of our world. Our 27 yr old son died. At the time, we were in the middle of buying a business, we made the decision to go ahead and bring in our daughter (then 24) and keep busy. I could not get a handle on my grief, my husband became angry and began gambling (he gambled before, but recreationally), our daughter fell into the bottle. We have lost the business, our house was foreclosed, our daughter still drinks and has had a few close calls, I hit my bottom this past May and was hospitalized for a while. Since, I have been working hard to heal, making progress. We are living with friends and have the possibility of our own home by Spring. Our daughter is slowly going down hill. My husband is lying more and more about his gambling... Our marriage is very strained and we don't like each other very much. I don't think either of us wants to give up, but don't know where to go from here. We plan to start marriage counseling (from the past, we know it is not always a fix, but don't know what else to do). Neither of us can stand to lose another thing, but can't get along either . . . 
Any thoughts?
Zeb


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. I can understand your world falling apart at that moment. I am glad your healing has begun and I hope you can remain as strong as possible from day to day. As you gather strength, you will realize that the best way to honor your son's life is to make the most of yours. 

If you make this your personal mission, marriage counseling will be a good step in rebuilding your life with your husband. My father has a severe gambling addiction (he is 84) and it only got worse when my mother passed 15 years ago. He has lost millions, literally (is now broke) and still does not admit he gambles. I hope you are able to get this out in the open with your husband and he is willing to take action for himself. 

Perhaps if you are not already, tell him you would like to be more involved in the finances and work together on a plan going forward. I don't know how this will be received, but the more control you have the less helpless you will feel in this regard.

My mother went back to work after raising 5 kids and I have to say I admired her forging ahead having to learn word processing as her steno skills were obsolete. It gave her some peace to know that she had $ for food and utilities. She died at the age of 56 due to alcoholism so I hope your daughter overcomes her drinking. Has she had any grievence counseling? If she is still living with you, I would try to get her into some sort of program...she may need a tough love approach if she is unwilling.

I hope things will sort themselves out for you soon, but be patient and hang in there, you have a lot going on all at once.


----------



## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Hello Zeb,

First off let me express my deepest sympathy as to the loss of your 27 yo Son. My Ex-Wife and I lost a Daughter at a 1 year old and that broke us up, I can't even begin to imagine how loosing a child you've raised to man hood only to see him gone forever and have to keep moving forward yourself. Your Daughter is probably using the alcohol to help her cope with her grief, as your husband is doing with the gambling. All natural crutches people use to numb or distract from the pain. 

There is nothing that any rational human being can offer to you that can help ease the hurt. I guess if you are a religious person you can chock it up to "God's will", read the book of Job and be glad that you don't have leprosy on top of everything else.

On a more rational note, counseling is good, especially if you have had some experience and success with it and confidence in it. Your attitude of sticking it through, not jumping to breaking up as a solution and reserving your judgment of your husbands and daughters problems is commendable.

Sometime all a family needs to make it through the toughest times, is each other. 

I say, sit down with your Hubby, and let him know that you love him, talk about your pain (if you don't already) with your husband and daughter and let them do the same and let them know that although what they are doing is not beneficial to anyone, you understand and are there with them and for them.

I have felt like I hit rock bottom before, later I see a homeless person that looks like they haven't have a change of cloths or a shower in months and it puts things into perspective.


----------



## Zeb (Dec 2, 2008)

Thank you for the kind words and your time to respond. My heart goes out to each of you... I have learned in the past few years that there are very few people that don't live with some type of pain... It is unbelievable how many parents I have met who have lost a child... 
I am trying so hard to keep it together... myself and to be there for my family. My husband and daughter are so similar, she does not believe she has troubles with grief, though it is so apparent. She believes she can get through her troubles on her own... though I do know that she will call when she needs help. She Has. I don't understand my husband... he knows that I know he gambles, he will go to any lentgh to deny it. In the past year, we have split our finances, in an attempt to relieve some of the tension... he has taken to "stealing" from me, then lying. If the counseling doesn't help this time, I just don't know what I will do. My daughter called last night (she lives 3 hours away), she knows and loves both of her parents and would love to see us together for life... with that, it suprised me to hear encourage me to leave and start a new life. I explained that I am close, and the counseling is the last chance. She does not understand how difficult this would be... I think she understood when I told her "it would be like leaving her", family is family... just how much can I take.


----------

