# I have to leave



## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

My husband of 12 years has said many, many times that he doesn' t love me and wants me to leave. I didn't leave before because I guess I didn't believe him (even though he was withholding affection, angry and hostile). I don't believe in divorce and was praying that we could get through this. 2 -3 Years later, he still says the same thing that he doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me. I also stayed for our 8 year old son, hoping our family could stay together. I am so broken. Today I asked him where he stands, if he wanted to work on our marriage or not. Same answer, no (which I knew), but now I'm so tired of feeling unloved - I just can't take it anymore. I guess I will go to my Moms in another state. Sometimes I wish I had a male friend to lie to me and just say he loves me so I won't hurt so much. Trying to compose myself to leave in the next few weeks.

Oh well...just wanted to vent. Sorry if this doesn't make sense. I am really hurting and sad right now.


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

How sad. Why is it you don't "beleive"in divorce? 
What is divorce to you? Is it an abhoration of God's love? 
Or is it giving up on someone? 

Look at your situation...you yourself state how you cannot stand to live with someone that cannot love you. 

So then, why don't you "beleive" in divorce? People make mistakes, people change, we are not perfect. 

What will a loveless marriage, a miserable Mother teach your son about life exactly??? That "Marriage" is to be endured no matter what? So by example then a nation should accept tyranny and not revolt against it, not free itself so that future generations can enjoy freedom? 

You can have love in your life. You can have a man that comes home and into your arms and with his eyes fixed on yours says, "I love you." But you are saying no..because you do not beleive in it? 

Time to reflect inward on what it is you truly beleive. If in fact you cannot accept a legal change in status that will free you of your suffering, then I guess too bad for you. Sorry. But that's just sad.


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks for your response.

I know that you are right. I know that I should have left a long time ago - knowing the situation has been unhealthy for both my son and I. Somehow, I just didn't have the strength to leave and I was so confused I couldn't tell what reality really was. Also, I had noone to talk to which just prolonged things, I couldn't tell what/who was wrong or right. I think after so many years of abuse, I just got used to it...I'm not blaming my husband (except for the abusive parts), we both have faults and said/ did things that hurt each other, I just wish we could have worked things out - he never seemed to want to. 

Things have gotten so bad now, I can't afford to stay any longer. It just costs too much emotionally, and I'm afraid to even think of what it is doing to our child.

I am still moving forward on my plans to leave. I just want to move on with my life...no bitter feelings. I gave it my all and really did my best to have a healthy marriage, so I can walk away knowing that I didn't just bail out just because things got tough.

Still though, I'm shocked that things are turning out the way they are, I worked so hard and prayed so much. It hurts so much to know that he just gave up on us and that he just didn't want to be with me. The rejection is unbearable.

Thanks again.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

CC, welcome.

It is very hard to turn away from a marriage and accept that it may never be what you imagined.

I think your decision to leave is a good one.

Leave him be. Let him experience life without a wife that loves him. He needs that.

You're right. You can walk away with your head held high, because you have given it your all.

You're damaged. Get into IC, if you're not already, and be a great parent to your son. Clearly, you're all he has, right now.

Keep posting on TAM. The advice and support you will receive will compare to no other. We're here for you, lady.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> 2 -3 Years later, he still says the same thing that he doesn't love me and isn't attracted to me.


And you didn't leave him ? We're here to support each other but I'm speechless about this, 2-3 years of mental abuse and still love him ?
You should divorce his a$$ long time ago and feel GOOD about it !


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks everyone. 
Yes, it has been mental hell for me (and for our son). I guess I was holding on to the dream. I felt like if I gave up that I would be a quitter and that all marriages had problems. I couldn't tell when enough was enough - and still can't believe this is happening. And to think I have friends who have put up with the abuse for 20+ years and are STILL married. And - they are bitter. Stayed to long. I'm glad I'm still youg enough to get out and start again...maybe remarry and have another child...maybe?

Thank God for second chances. I am ready for a new future. I'm tired of being lonely. But I know better than to rush out and get myself into something worse.

You all have helped me so much! And this site is such a blessing - to know that I am not alone in my struggle is a tremendous help/ outlet.

God bless you all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

File for divorce and be done. File child support/spousal suppot where necessary/applicable.

This man does not love you and hasn't for a long time.

Also find out why you stayed with someone so long who told you point blank they wanted you to leave and did not love you.

Find your sef-esteem.

Do for yourself. Get a job, get your kid enrolled in school, start new hobbies, connect with old friends/make new ones. Get some sunlight.


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Jellybeans...!
Oh how I wish I had found this site a looong time ago.

Thanks, I needed that! And I agree!

Ok, but why is my husband being so nice now. He knows I'm leaving because of our last discussion. What can I do to stay strong so I don't get all mushy and backslide until I leave... I have about a week to two weeks...


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Also, how do I explain this to my child about us leaving? I was planning to just say we are visiting Grandma for awhile...


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

cclady said:


> Jellybeans...!
> 
> 
> Ok, but why is my husband being so nice now. He knows I'm leaving because of our last discussion. What can I do to stay strong so I don't get all mushy and backslide until I leave... I have about a week to two weeks...


Maybe he realized what he did to you and want his old live back . It sounds like he's doing 180 right now .
Stay strong CClady , after so many years of mental abuse you should get rid of him ASAP.


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Yeah, I'm learning that with abuse the best thing to do is leave. Some abusers never think what they are doing is wrong - they always blame everyone else. 

This site is helping me lots...!


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## dumpedandhappy (Aug 17, 2012)

I am glad to see by your messages a sense of energy, that you are going to take action.
Good for you. You have nothing to lose and EVERYTHING to gain!

This man will do and say anything now to try and keep you under his control...since that is what this has been about, controlling you, making you suffer and hurting you. He is a masochist. 

Limit all contact with him, try to find a third party ( family friend or relative or other ) to handle all communication between you two, i.e. mail drop-off, documents, household items required by either...

Do not allow him to regain the upper hand in this situation, this is his time to suffer. His weakness will grow as your strength in this gains. He will regret everything, and God alone will judge him for his actions. And I beleive that you will find that things will go very well for you in your new life, God rewards those that help themselves. 

Freedom is the only option.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> He is a masochist.


Actually, he's a sadist (masochists enjoy pain to self, sadists enjoy pain to others)...sorry, I live to instruct. But I COMPLETELY agree with dumpedandhappy's basic premise about him.

CCLady: *Please do NOT LIE to your son*; he will never forget it and you can NEVER undo it. Being someone who will NEVER lie to him will be a strength he can always rely on in the future.

1.) Tell your son IMMEDIATELY that you and he are moving away to (grandma's state). Tell him that you will be living there from now on.

2.) Give him the opportunity to say goodbye to his schoolfriends while there is still time. Let the teacher know what's going on. Maybe your son can bring cupcakes for a going-away party! Talk (by phone or in-person) to the SCHOOL COUNSELOR at your son's school. S/he may be able to recommend books that you can read to help your son adjust to the upcoming change.

3.) Maybe you can have a quick get-together with his best friend(s): McDonald's, KFC at the park, bowling on a Saturday - something special before he leaves with LOTS of pictures!

4.) Explain to your son that you and Daddy are having grown-up problems that you know he cannot understand. Tell him you love him ALWAYS and his Daddy loves him always. Even though you and Daddy will not be living together any more, (son's name) will always be living with you until he is grown up and ready for college or a job.

Hang in there, and make sure YOU get some individual counseling when you get to your new state; perhaps through a church, or an abused women's hotline (they can point you in the right direction of free, low-cost, sliding scale therapy).

**HUGS** to you and your son, CCLady!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

cclady said:


> Yeah, I'm learning that with abuse the best thing to do is leave. Some abusers never think what they are doing is wrong - they always blame everyone else.
> 
> This site is helping me lots...!


Indeed, this site help allot 

If he said " I don't love you" for 3 years , means he mean it . Have you even heard , if a lie is been repeated 100 times then in becomes truth ? 

This is the case with him. He abused you because he though 1) you "got" ya and you'll never leave , 2) you're so codependent of him so he can do whatever he wants , you'll take him back anyways , 3) he saw what is out there and he realized no woman will deal with his s$&t like you did 

3 years is allot of time ,don't buy it anymore !


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cclady,

Are you in therapy?


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

No Conrad, I'm not in therapy, but I need to be and I plan on getting some as soon as I get to my Moms.

Dumped - I don't have any friends to limit our contact. I think this would be easier if I had a girlfriend to help me get out - someplace to go and just clear my head - that's why I'm so glad to have found this site. At least now I can come here when I feel like giving in.

Slowly - I CANNOT BELIEVE I HAVE TO DO THIS...this seems like a bad dream. I just don't even want to deal with telling my kid about all this...

BigMac -I swear he must be dabbling in mind control or something. You're right - any other woman would have cheated on him by now, but he knows I won't do it. He's enjoying this control thing - That is so wicked.

What the bleep is wrong with me??? 
I hate this mess. And so close to the holidays - just makes it harder...


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

12 years for me...3 for him...he checked out the other 9 years...
Dumb Question. Why didn't He leave? If he was so unhappy??? Can't figure that out...


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

DivorceCare - Divorce Support And Recovery Groups 

Most of the groups are free or like $15 , it will do you good , I joined one yesterday and I like it ( besides some parts of the video )

Yes, I'm sure I know what he is doing and why he wats to come back, please don't buy it !


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cclady said:


> Jellybeans...!
> Oh how I wish I had found this site a looong time ago.
> 
> Thanks, I needed that! And I agree!
> ...


Keep repeating to yourself WHY you are leaving & thinki ng about all the times he told you he doesn't love/want/need you/wants you to leave. Tell yourself and KNOW that you deserve better!

Limit your contact/conversation with him.

Work on your boundaries. Learn to say NO when something upsets you. Stick to it. 

If he gets funny or all sweet and baby this, baby that, tell him "You know what, that mattered before but not now. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me and has treated me as horribly as you have. i deserve much better, a real man, not someone who has to put their partner down constantly and treat them poorly. Sayonara, B*tch!" (ok you don't have to say that last part but you can if you want.

I left my exH (he was emotionally abusive to the MAX). I realized that it wasn't working for me & he wasn't willing to stop/put in the effort. I was so ANGRY. You need to find that ANGER and hold onto it. It's weird--when I got to that place, I was calm. It was like another level of ZEN. I had made peace with the fact it was game over. I had tried enough and a relationship is a two-way street. No more, senor! 

You could make a list of all the fvcked up things he's done and read it over and over in your moments of weakness. That's what I did. 

Abusers don't change. They get worse over time. And you bet your A$$ they neve think they are to blame or are wrong.

You deserve LIGHTYEARS better. F this guy! 

Find your dignity! 

If you realy want to mess with his head, you must reach that level of peace (or at least, portray it). Keep your emotions out of it when talking to him. He probably expects you to grovel at his feet and die crying, wishing him back and loudly exclaiming "WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOVE ME??? LET'S TRY?" Leave the groveling/crying/begging in the rearview. It's for the birds.

Smile at him and say "It's been real. And it's time to move on."

It is reverse psychology at it's finest and it reall;y does a number on a wayward. You can ask anyone on this board and they will tell you the same. When you act like you don't care and KNOW you deserve better, they are completely irrelevant.

Never look back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

cclady said:


> 12 years for me...3 for him...he checked out the other 9 years...
> Dumb Question. Why didn't He leave? If he was so unhappy??? Can't figure that out...


Because he's a dumbfvck.

Don't ask questions, girl, just leave. 

Never ever spend 9+ (or 9+ days/hours with someone who doesn't want to be with you).

You got that? NO MORE!!!!!!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

CC--get this book. You can get it at your local library for free.

Everything it says is GOLDEN. Heed the advice and start approaching your relationships this way:

Love Must Be Tough: James Dobson: 9781590523551: Amazon.com: Books


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> If you realy want to mess with his head, you must reach that level of peace (or at least, portray it). Keep your emotions out of it when talking to him. He probably expects you to grovel at his feet and die crying, wishing him back and loudly exclaiming "WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOVE ME??? LET'S TRY?" Leave the groveling/crying/begging in the rearview. It's for the birds.
> 
> Smile at him and say "It's been real. And it's time to move on."
> 
> It is reverse psychology at it's finest and it reall;y does a number on a wayward. You can ask anyone on this board and they will tell you the same. When you act like you don't care and KNOW you deserve better, they are completely irrelevant.


:iagree:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

cclady said:


> No Conrad, I'm not in therapy, but I need to be and I plan on getting some as soon as I get to my Moms.


Find a therapist that will challenge you - and make you answer tough questions.

Go 2x a week at first and get to the bottom of your codependence.


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Okay...sounds like a plan. 
I am re-reading what you guys post and it is helping me in those moments when I want to break down. I feel stronger every day. Now just need to put legs on that strength and start packing n such...
JellyB - I'm going to make that list too!

Thanks everyone!


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## Serenity_Prayer (Oct 31, 2012)

I've been living your story and know ~exactly~ what it's like. I had the same doubts and have spent three years talking myself into leaving. It's not going to get better, and I agree with the other poster - what are you teaching your son about love and marriage? He'll treat his future wife the way he learns from daddy. End the madness.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CC,

You are doing the right thing. He does not deserve the kind of loyalty you have shown to your marriage. Move on and make a new life for your self and you child.

When you go, just tell your son you are going on vacation. Usually I'm big on the truth. But not stressing out your son is very important. Then once you are with your mom and have your head more together you can start explaining things to your son.

What about your things and your son's things. Are you leaving them all behind? If you are you should back some of your son's favorite things and ship them to your mom's . He's going to need the familiar around him if at all possible.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

so he sat in a house with someone he openly admitted he didn't love for three years and didn't have the balls to leave himself? how incredibly cruel and unpleasant

what made my split so much easier was understanding that I deserved better than being with someone who didn't want to be with me...and then I thought 'screw you!'. But then I have a relatively healthy ego, you need to gain some confidence in yourself. It will get better every day, you'll realise that being out of that toxic environment will release a whole new woman


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

CClady , as I say earlier , he realized no other woman will buy his crap , so if you take him back he won't say I don't love you. He'll say fake things so he can manipulate you and get his own way.
Be prepared , he'll push you hard and will use your son to make you feel guilty ( you're not a god mom , our son need father , loving family , warm home etc ). 
You're loving,honest and loyal person so I'm begging you don't buy his BS . Divorce him and move on.
He don't love you, he love how you take care of him, that is it !
There are lots of guys out there that will love you and aprresiate you .


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He didn't leave because narcissists can't stand to be alone. They absolutely need people to 'feed' them. Also, some people like the feeling of control they have over other people. They were probably children whose mothers were overindulgent out of guilt or whatever, and they never learned where normal boundaries were, so they keep testing them. If you have poor boundaries (i.e. co-dependent or a huge helper personality...) then they just keep taking and taking by testing boundaries to make sure their 'love' is still available for them...and you keep giving more and more and it makes them insecure, because deep down, they know that a normal person would tell them to knock it off...that is, it's possible to give too much to a person, and then they believe it's not real, because it's way too much for someone to give. He stayed because he's just messed up.


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## cclady (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks to each and every one of you!!

Lots of good advice...and helping me to see the light. I'll be feeding on your posts to keep me going!

CC


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