# My wife brings out the worst in me



## OnraSR

We end up in an argument and she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal. Once i turn into an animal, that becomes the reason we are arguing. 

Example; yesterday we are in an increasingly intense argument. My 4yr old daughter is right in the middle of it all, which is terrible but not avoidable in our small space. My wife is also 8 weeks pregnant, and I want to keep her as far away from stress as i can. 

So i pack my sh*t in a bag and i leave. On the way out I have her on the porch screaming at me that i am dead to her, don't come back, this is not a revolving door, etc. Meanwhile i just felt like I had to do the best thing for my family .. which sadly, was to get myself away from them. 

Maybe an hour later i decide to try to go back and smooth things over. I dont want my daughter to see that this is how to handle things, I dont want my wife to think id leave her when times get tough, and I dont want to sleep in my car. 

so i head back ... but the door is locked. I ring the bell, no answer. ring and ring again, nothing. Now im ringing the bell like an absolute psycho .. nothing. My landlord pops his head out, i tell him i forgot my keys and he lets me in. 

Now i get upstairs but she has now taken my daughter into our bedroom and locked the door. I ask nice and calm to please open the door, nothing. repeat myself maybe 10 times, nothing. "your scaring the baby" and "just go away" is all i get. Meanwhile all i wanted was to smooth things over! Now i feel furious. 

I explain to her i will be breaking the door down if she doesn't come unlock it. After repeating myself 3 times, i was a few seconds from doing it, she actually unlocked the door. 

I went to hug my daughter and tell her everything will be alright ... my wife tried to stop me, saying she doesn't trust me. I took her anyway. I explained to her that sometimes mommy and daddy have arguments about something they disagree on, but its important to know they both still love each other very much. And my wife snickers at hearing that. 

I am convinced she hates me. She knows exactly how to turn me into an animal, and then use that against me. 


Its important to note, this argument, just like most of the others, was over something so insanely trivial and stupid ... and our tempers let it get blown into something CRAZY!!! To the point of scared children, broken doors, frightened people, and words implying a divorce. 

I dont even know why im typing this, I just needed to vent. No offense but i really dont want to hear what you have to say if its just the usual "see a counselor" or "walk away when you see this happening" or "take deep breaths".

Im just venting. Im scared to lose my wife because i love her, im afraid of losing my daughter because i know thats what my wife wants, and now i have an unborn child im afraid to hurt before its born (by causing stress) and eventually ill have 2 kids to lose to this psycho. 

And how ironic ... i call her a psycho, yet im the one about to bust a door down to go hug my daughter. I guess im the psycho ... but im only like this when she pulls it out of me! She knows exactly what she is doing, and what the result will be. 

sorry for venting here.


----------



## OnraSR

And as usual, the next day I am trying to patch things up, and she says she cannot forgive me for how i acted ...

all the things i said (nothing about what she said)
all the things i did (nothing about what she did)
how i acted like an animal (nothing about her provoking me)

I swear i think she does this on purpose to provoke my monster, and then use it against me.


----------



## OnraSR

i swear when we begin these arguments im not an idiot, i see them coming a mile away ... i try and TRY AND TRY to not let them get heated. 

I talk calmly. I ask her to calm down. I ask her to stop speaking to me like that. I ask her to take it down a notch or i wont reply.

and she keeps spewing sh*t out of her mouth until finally something, one little tiny thing, gets my volume up slightly. She repeats this as needed until we are both full blown screaming at each other. 

So yes, im a psycho. im an animal. Im a threat to everyone around me. But only after her continuous and intentional poking and provoking!


----------



## Acorn

OnraSR said:


> My 4yr old daughter is right in the middle of it all, which is terrible but not avoidable in our small space.


Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.

And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel. 

Get help.


----------



## OnraSR

Acorn said:


> Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.
> 
> And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.
> 
> Get help.


And there it is. 

Exactly what every other person would say, exactly what any court would say, exactly what i spent hours trying to avoid leading into this argument, exactly why she pushes me so hard. 

im the bad guy, im the monster. All the "in between" stuff is overlooked, forgotten, or unrecognized.

EDIT, coincidentally i am the one repeating to her "please come in the other room with me" 60 effing times, and saying "the baby shouldn't be seeing this" and "please lower your tone in front of her". My wife couldnt care less ... because this is what she wants. Now my baby is scared of me. Now my baby will forever think im a monster. 

Im the one who actually cares what my baby see's, yet im also the one who gets pushed so far it scares her. 

ironic, sad, pathetic. 

I am my own worst enemy.


----------



## Gratitude

I think the relationship sounds unhealthy and you are dragging your daughter into it. For her sake and that of the new baby's, maybe you should have just kept walking.

The way she treats you isn't right, she hasn't learnt to behave in a calm, mature manner which is shown by locking herself in her room with your daughter and then sniggering when you try to explain to your girl not to worry.

You can stop this by not allowing it to happen and seep into the childrens lives. They don't need to see it, they didn't ask for it. And your daughter will remember it. Think hard about what's best for your family here.


----------



## Jellybeans

You are solely responsible for your actions and your behavior. 

Your marriage sounds toxic. You both need to get help. This is a very unhealthy marriage.


----------



## HazelGrove

Both of you need to start taking responsibility for your own actions. She provokes you and is immature, but you have the choice not to become "an animal" (to use your word: actually animals don't behave that way.) You're an adult human, not a puppet. 

It sounds like this could really degenerate badly and damage yourselves and your children. Have you looked into MC yet?


----------



## Gratitude

Acorn said:


> Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.
> 
> And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.
> 
> Get help.


I disagree that his wife is scared to death of him. She sniggered after he came in and spoke to their daughter. I think she's creating drama and doesn't care about how if affects their daughter.


----------



## EleGirl

Your first mistake is this….
“she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal”
Your wife does not turn you into an animal. You turn yourself into an animal. 

You have 100% control over your anger and animal behavior. 

You need to develop a way to handle your anger.

The bottom line is that you are responsible for not going down that path. You need to learn how to not become angry when your wife starts pushing your buttons. When she starts that just do not let it get to you. Tell her at that point that you do not want to argue with her when it the argument gets to this point. That you are going to another room to so that each of you can calm down. You could also take your daughter to the room with you and just read her a book, play a game … do something calm.
OR you could go for a walk. Just tell her that you are going for a walk to calm down and will be back in about an hour. The physical exercise causes the brain to produce brain chemicals that calm you down. Packing a bag and leaving is just drama… so stop that.
Tell your wife, when all is calm (or write it in a letter), that you will no longer enage this these angry outbursts. That when a discussion between the two of you gets out of hand you will either go to a quiet room in the house or for a walk. This is because you will take responsibility for calming yourself down. That she is also responsible for calming herself down. Than later, when you are both calm the two of you can continue discussing, in a calm manner whatever the topic was. Tell her that you will no longer be causing drama by packing a bag and that you expect her to stop standing outside yelling things at you.. .this is nothing more than a dramatic performance for the neighbors.


BOTH of you need anger management. And both of you need to learn the right way to fight/argue in a marriage. IF she will not go, then you go by yourself.

I also suggest that you read the book “The Dance of Anger”. You will learn a lot about your life and your situation from it.


----------



## OnraSR

Gratitude said:


> I disagree that his wife is scared to death of him. She sniggered after he came in and spoke to their daughter. I think she's creating drama and doesn't care about how if affects their daughter.


Thank you. And to add to that .... so this morning not a single word was said. She ordered me to leave the house last night, but i refused and just slept on the floor. Nothing said in the morning

until she was walking my daughter out she said, loud enough for me to hear ..

"when your father acts like that you need to just ignore him"

then my daughter said something i couldnt hear, my wife replied "yea, your father doesnt listen well..."

and then the real wrench in my gut "if thats what you call a daddy ..."

i immediately texted her and said that was 100% wrong to say. She denied saying it, but i know exactly what i heard. 

she was once again pushing and provoking. and it almost worked. I ALMOST ran down the stairs, grabbed my daughter and pushed my wife out, locking the door. 

then id be in jail, and my daughter would be even more scared of me. 

thankfully i did not.


----------



## Jellybeans

EleGirl said:


> Your first mistake is this….
> “she pushes my buttons so perfectly to turn me into an animal”
> *Your wife does not turn you into an animal. You turn yourself into an animal. *
> 
> You have 100% control over your anger and animal behavior.
> 
> You need to develop a way to handle your anger.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Prodigal

OnraSR said:


> I dont even know why im typing this, I just needed to vent. No offense but i really dont want to hear what you have to say if its just the usual "see a counselor" or "walk away when you see this happening" or "take deep breaths".


Okay, don't see a counselor. It's your life and you have a right to choose how you live it. But you obviously don't think the way you are living it, vis-a-vis your wife, is healthy.

When you come on a forum like this, even to vent, you are writing with the expectation of getting responses. Coming here to vent is fine. The only thing I can tell you is, I think you should have stayed away for several days. First, to cool off and then to give your wife a chance to think about her own behavior.

If you don't want to walk away when the wife starts pushing your buttons, you can continue to get into screaming matches with her. Or you can sit in front of the t.v., stare at whatever is on, and just remain immobile - no matter what she does. It's hard to argue with someone who won't engage.

Other than that, since you don't want any advice, I hope venting helped you calm down.


----------



## Jellybeans

OnraSR said:


> Thank you. And to add to that .... so this morning not a single word was said. She ordered me to leave the house last night, but i refused and just slept on the floor. Nothing said in the morning
> 
> until she was walking my daughter out she said, loud enough for me to hear ..
> 
> "when your father acts like that you need to just ignore him"
> 
> then my daughter said something i couldnt hear, my wife replied "yea, your father doesnt listen well..."
> 
> and then the real wrench in my gut "if thats what you call a daddy ..."
> 
> i immediately texted her and said that was 100% wrong to say. She denied saying it, but i know exactly what i heard.
> 
> she was once again pushing and provoking. and it almost worked. I ALMOST ran down the stairs, grabbed my daughter and pushed my wife out, locking the door.
> 
> then id be in jail, and my daughter would be even more scared of me.
> 
> thankfully i did not.


She is wrong for saying this to your daughter. It's really f-cked up actually. 

I am glad to hear you didn't run downstairs and do what you were going to. Be the light for your daughter. Let her see a strong man who doesn't enable or engage in this behavior.

You and wife need to sit down and talk as mature adults. This is really really bad---your relationship. Can you mak ean appointment for a marriage counsellor? 

You need to work on changing the dynamic (both of you). If nothing changes, decide wehther you want to stay in a marriage like this or not.

Your daughter is the one being hurt the most.


----------



## Gratitude

OnraSR said:


> And there it is.
> 
> Exactly what every other person would say, exactly what any court would say, exactly what i spent hours trying to avoid leading into this argument, exactly why she pushes me so hard.
> 
> im the bad guy, im the monster. All the "in between" stuff is overlooked, forgotten, or unrecognized.
> 
> EDIT, coincidentally i am the one repeating to her "please come in the other room with me" 60 effing times, and saying "the baby shouldn't be seeing this" and "please lower your tone in front of her". My wife couldnt care less ... because this is what she wants. Now my baby is scared of me. Now my baby will forever think im a monster.
> 
> Im the one who actually cares what my baby see's, yet im also the one who gets pushed so far it scares her.
> 
> ironic, sad, pathetic.
> 
> I am my own worst enemy.


Don't let her push your buttons. If she starts, leave. Just leave. Then it can't escalate into anything. There will be no more argument if you're not around.

In the long run, fix it. Now. For your daughter and the new baby. If you can't have a mature conversation about it, then do counselling. If she won't or it doesn't work, then don't be together. Because it's not just about the two of you anymore. Your daughter doesn't have a voice in all of this. Give her one.

You're both as guilty as each other. Until one of you can recognise what's going on and care enough to change it, you have no right exposing your daughter to it constantly.


----------



## Prodigal

Sounds like your wife is doing everything she can to provoke you into a major fight. Why do you think she is doing this? Just a few ideas that pop into my head: to get you to leave for good, to have some justification to file for divorce, because she is holding some kind of grudge against you for something you did years ago?

Is there any past history that you're not mentioning? Such as an EA or PA?


----------



## Acorn

Gratitude said:


> I disagree that his wife is scared to death of him. She sniggered after he came in and spoke to their daughter. I think she's creating drama and doesn't care about how if affects their daughter.


I think generally speaking if you lock an angry person out of the house, and then when that fails you lock yourself into a room, you are seeking less drama, not more.

Perhaps we are reading different things into the story. OP's wife certainly has some issues too.

I would have called the cops long before I unlocked the door to let OP in, but that's just me.


----------



## Gratitude

Acorn said:


> I think generally speaking if you lock an angry person out of the house, and then when that fails you lock yourself into a room, you are seeking less drama, not more.
> 
> Perhaps we are reading different things into the story. OP's wife certainly has some issues too.
> 
> I would have called the cops long before I unlocked the door to let OP in, but that's just me.


I don't believe she locked herself in the room because she was afraid of him. I think she did it to make him out to be the wrongdoer, the abusive one. If I locked myself in a room to get away from someone I was terrified of and they got in, I would get out as fast as I could with minimal communication.

I wouldn't stand there and let him hug my daughter and then snigger.


----------



## OnraSR

Acorn said:


> I would have called the cops long before I unlocked the door to let OP in, but that's just me.


Called the cops on what grounds? We had an argument, I left, then returned. Now i wanted to hug my daughter. She had no grounds to even lock the door, there were no physical threats at all, or any other reason to fear me.

If anything i should have called the cops, she was preventing me access to my daughter. 

People are very quick to take the womans side. 

And to the person above who said "animals dont act like that" i say BS. find a calm bear in the woods and start poking him with a tree branch. Poke him again, again, again, and again. When it doesnt piss him off, break the branch over his head. 

When he is done mauling you to death, tell me again how animals don't act like that.


----------



## OnraSR

PS ... I know i have a rash tone in everything i am writing, I am very sorry. 

I am so frustrated, and at a complete loss of what to do right now. 

as we all type this my wife is still texting me. she wont let it go, wont admit any fault, wont apologize for anything at all. 

its all me. I did this alone. I just rolled out of bed and decided to f*ck up my family all on my own. She had absolutely nothing to do with our argument, it was all me.


----------



## Jellybeans

Why are you so angry with eachother?


----------



## Gratitude

OnraSR said:


> Called the cops on what grounds? We had an argument, I left, then returned. Now i wanted to hug my daughter.
> 
> If anything i should have called the cops, she was preventing me access to my daughter.
> 
> People are very quick to take the womans side.
> 
> And to the person above who said "animals dont act like that" i say BS. find a calm bear in the woods and start poking him with a tree branch. Poke him again, again, again, and again. When it doesnt piss him off, break the branch over his head.
> 
> When he is done mauling you to death, tell me again how animals don't act like that.


I'm on your daughters side.

I don't like your wife's behaviour. I understand where you're coming from. But you have to take responsibilty for your reactions to her actions.

Her comments when leaving the house with your daughter are disgusting. I'm sick of people who use their children as weapons in their own personal fights.

The question is, what are you going to do now?


----------



## EleGirl

Gratitude said:


> I don't believe she locked herself in the room because she was afraid of him. I think she did it to make him out to be the wrongdoer, the abusive one. If I locked myself in a room to get away from someone I was terrified of and they got in, I would get out as fast as I could with minimal communication.
> 
> I wouldn't stand there and let him hug my daughter and then snigger.


:iagree: His wife sounds like a drama queen. But he is the one who is having a problem here as he has to learn to control himself and not go off on her. This is expecially true with a child around.


----------



## HazelGrove

Why are you being rude and angry to people giving advice on this thread - which you sollicited? You need to learn to take responsibility for your own actions and attitude, which you patently don't do at the moment. You are not a bear, you are a human being. Nobody can *make* you do anything unless they hold a gun to your head. 

You and your wife obviously both have issues and this is a toxic marriage. Counselling might help, and IC too for both of you. Think of the children first. You both seem to be behaving in a very immature way, but you can break the cycle. It starts by both of you taking responsibility for your own actions.


----------



## Acorn

OnraSR said:


> Called the cops on what grounds? We had an argument, I left, then returned. Now i wanted to hug my daughter. She had no grounds to even lock the door, there were no physical threats at all, or any other reason to fear me.
> 
> If anything i should have called the cops, she was preventing me access to my daughter.


OP - I want to tell you that a common tactic of domestic abusers is to break household objects, doors, etc. to intimidate the spouse.

Maybe that was not your intent but that is where my mind jumps when you say stuff like this. Perhaps as other posters are saying, she is pushing your buttons knowing that you will react in a commonly accepted abusive manner to have some sort of power play on you.

For your own legal standing you really need to stop threatening to break down doors and the like or you WILL be viewed as an abusive spouse, especially if it becomes more and more habitual.
If a policeman shows up and sees you breaking down a door, then short of fire or serious emergency, I imagine it is almost a certainty you will get arrested.


----------



## Gratitude

I think the title of your thread says it all.

Personally, if you cannot figure this out either together or through counselling, you shouldn't be together. You don't have time to see what happens. You have a daughter who is remembering everything.

We all have issues from childhood. Don't let your daughters be your mistake that you could have avoided but she will carry around forever. Change her memories while you can.


----------



## EleGirl

OnraSR said:


> PS ... I know i have a rash tone in everything i am writing, I am very sorry.
> 
> I am so frustrated, and at a complete loss of what to do right now.
> 
> as we all type this my wife is still texting me. she wont let it go, wont admit any fault, wont apologize for anything at all.
> 
> its all me. I did this alone. I just rolled out of bed and decided to f*ck up my family all on my own. She had absolutely nothing to do with our argument, it was all me.


Ok your wife is a drama queen and you are hooked in by the drama. You can stop the drama. Do it by texting her something like… 

“I own up to my part of the argument yesterday. Please think about your contribution to it as well. I will no longer participate in the sort of drama that went on yesterday. So no more texting about this. I’ll see you when you get home tonight. Love you”

Then just do not text her anything more about the fight. IF she keeps texting you then just answer “Love you” every so often…. Defuse it. Be the one who is in control here.

You are going to have to be the man of the family and lead your wife out of her drama. Is her family like this… all the drama? How old are the two of you?


----------



## Gratitude

Acorn said:


> For your own legal standing you really need to stop threatening to break down doors and the like or you WILL be viewed as an abusive spouse, especially if it becomes more and more habitual.
> If a policeman shows up and sees you breaking down a door, then short of fire or serious emergency, I imagine it is almost a certainty you will get arrested.


:iagree:


----------



## EleGirl

Acorn said:


> OP - I want to tell you that a common tactic of domestic abusers is to break household objects, doors, etc. to intimidate the spouse.
> 
> Maybe that was not your intent but that is where my mind jumps when you say stuff like this. Perhaps as other posters are saying, she is pushing your buttons knowing that you will react in a commonly accepted abusive manner to have some sort of power play on you.
> 
> For your own legal standing you really need to stop threatening to break down doors and the like or you WILL be viewed as an abusive spouse, especially if it becomes more and more habitual.
> If a policeman shows up and sees you breaking down a door, then short of fire or serious emergency, I imagine it is almost a certainty you will get arrested.


:iagree: Yep he would be arrested for breaking down doors or breaking other things. He also needs to realize that his wife knows this.

The next step in her drama is to push his buttons until he does something like break down a door.. she will call the police. What great revenge she will get out of that.

He needs to stop his part in this.


----------



## OnraSR

Acorn said:


> OP - I want to tell you that a common tactic of domestic abusers is to break household objects, doors, etc. to intimidate the spouse.


I don't want to intimidate her at all, in fact quite the opposite. I have been trying to keep her away from stress and trying to get her to calm down every single day since we learned she was pregnant. 

My intent of breaking the door was because i was wanting to comfort my daughter, and she was not allowing me. "allowing me" and "my daughter" in the same sentence, does not sit well with me. She knows this


----------



## Gratitude

You came here to vent. Now you need to figure out how to fix this.

Maybe you need some time apart to re-evaluate and show your wife you won't accept this any longer, that you are willing to change and she has to for your children. Talking obviously doesn't seem to work well right now for you.


----------



## Acorn

OnraSR said:


> I don't want to intimidate her at all, in fact quite the opposite. I have been trying to keep her away from stress and trying to get her to calm down every single day since we learned she was pregnant.
> 
> My intent of breaking the door was because i was wanting to comfort my daughter, and she was not allowing me. "allowing me" and "my daughter" in the same sentence, does not sit well with me. She knows this


On the flip side, all the things your wife said to your daughter are also quite abusive.

That is why everyone here is imploring you to get help. Your intentions may be gold, and we are just guessing about your wife's. But both of you are behaving in an awful manner and your daughter is learning that this is what she can expect in a relationship when she is older. Someone has to stop the cycle, hopefully it will be you.


----------



## Gratitude

Acorn said:


> Someone has to stop the cycle


I have seen for a long time what you are experiencing. I do understand. And children suffer. Trust me.

If you continue this way, you will more than likely lose it one day and end up breaking something and end up in jail. Your daughter will hate you. 

It's all fun and games for her until it becomes serious. Don't be naive and think this is going to change or get better by itself.

Read the above quote from Acorn and do it. I hope you are here to not only vent but to look for solutions.


----------



## OnraSR

Gratitude said:


> You came here to vent. Now you need to figure out how to fix this.


That's right.



Gratitude said:


> Maybe you need some time apart to re-evaluate and show your wife you won't accept this any longer, that you are willing to change and she has to for your children. Talking obviously doesn't seem to work well right now for you.


I dont know that im wanting to pull that off while she is pregnant. Im a lot of things, possibly even the "monster" im painting here. But im not about to ditch my pregnant wife. Not if i have a choice.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

Don't let her bait you. You see it coming, so detach from the situation and the emotional heat that's coming. Let her get her emotional rants in while you keep calm and reasonable.

Don't walk out, don't ignore her, don't add to the drama. If she wants to freak out, watch her freak out. Keep your replies simple and consciously try to avoid competing with her by being dramatic.


----------



## Prodigal

OnraSR said:


> But im not about to ditch my pregnant wife. Not if i have a choice.


Gratitude did not tell you to "ditch" your wife; merely take a time-out. Maybe staying at a friend's or family member's house for a week so you and your wife can both have a cooling-off period.

Right now you sound angry and defensive. You and your wife are both responsible for what is going on. And what is going on is toxic. She is not calming down, it seems, no matter what you do. Then she starts pushing buttons. Okay, you wanted to see your daughter. But getting worked up to the point that you are willing to kick down a door isn't helping matters.

You aren't answering questions posed to you so we can get a better idea of how this all started. How old are you two? How long married? Has your wife always been feisty like this? If you don't want to answer any questions, that's fine too. Just vent, if you feel the need. It's just that nobody here will be able to give you any possible insight into how to difuse this situation or how to make constructive changes.

I'm not saying any of us know the dynamics of your marriage; only you know that. But at least with more background information, someone may say something that will help.


----------



## Gratitude

OnraSR said:


> That's right.
> 
> 
> 
> I dont know that im wanting to pull that off while she is pregnant. Im a lot of things, possibly even the "monster" im painting here. But im not about to ditch my pregnant wife. Not if i have a choice.


Taking a breather and time out to diffuse the tension does not mean you are ditching her. If you can't work on the problems inside the home and it's involving the children, find another way.


----------



## OnraSR

Prodigal said:


> You aren't answering questions posed to you so we can get a better idea of how this all started. How old are you two? How long married? Has your wife always been feisty like this?


I have been skimming so fast (im at work) that i missed those questions, sorry about that. 

We are mid 30's. 
Been together 17yrs
Been married 5yrs
Yes she has always been like this. It just never bothered me as much as it does now that we have a child. I don't want my child seeing any of this. I don't want my child to think I am a monster and she has to be afraid of me. I don't want to be abused in front of my daughter, and i don't want my daughter thinking im abusing her mother.


----------



## OnraSR

EleGirl said:


> You can stop the drama. Do it by texting her something like…
> 
> “I own up to my part of the argument yesterday. Please think about your contribution to it as well. I will no longer participate in the sort of drama that went on yesterday. So no more texting about this. I’ll see you when you get home tonight. Love you”


Thank you. I liked this idea so i just sent her this email: 

I think this entire thing has once again gotten way out of hand. I don't hate you at all, I love you. And these situations get me so crazy because im scared of losing you. We need to step outside of our own anger and frustrations, and put [daughter] above everything. Period. No excuses, no final points, no nothing.

And most importantly, you are carrying a baby inside of you. What part of "do not get stressed out" are you not understanding?

We both need to grow up, and stop being so immature. We need to be beyond thinking of ourselves.

I acted childish and immature, i screamed and cursed, almost broke the door ... and i am sorry. I realize it was wrong, and only made things worse. This wont happen again, i can promise you that.

Ill see you at home and we can sit down and talk to [daughter] about how we acted.

Love you

ray: :banghead: ray: :banghead:


----------



## OnraSR

her reply:


> I agree. She must come first. I am sorry for all of it. Can't write much still in class. How can we talk to her if you get home so late?


Stubborn to the very f*cking end. What is it with women?? Or is it just my woman??

and my reply



> "im sorry for all of it" just wont cut it. You had a major part in this, just as I did. After everything i wrote, you can say something more than that.
> 
> And she will stay up and wait for me so we can all speak. It is important for her to see that we work things out, and that we show her she is more important to us than any argument.
> 
> We also need to let her know without any doubt that her mommy and daddy love each other more than anything, and just sometimes have differences. We need to let her know we will work on not letting those differences become so big that it affects her.
> 
> I love you, hope you can write something more than "sorry for all of it".


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> I don't want to intimidate her at all, in fact quite the opposite. I have been trying to keep her away from stress and trying to get her to calm down every single day since we learned she was pregnant.
> 
> My intent of breaking the door was because i was wanting to comfort my daughter, and she was not allowing me. "allowing me" and "my daughter" in the same sentence, does not sit well with me. She knows this


If you were REALLY thinking about your daughter you wouldn't have threatened to break the door down. You scared that child, whether you think so or not. The best thing would have been to walk away and let everyone cool down. Think about this logically. What would have been the consequence to walking away? You'd have a delay in speaking to your daughter... that's it! If your W is truly doing things just to get a reaction, why are you giving it to her? Someone needs to stop this cycle. 

I think you're equally responsible in starting and fueling the fires in your marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> And most importantly, you are carrying a baby inside of you. What part of "do not get stressed out" are you not understanding?


That line stressed ME out. LOL It sounds more controlling than supportive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnraSR

WhereAmI said:


> That line stressed ME out. LOL It sounds more controlling than supportive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


yes. My wife would tell you i am very controlling, though i don't necesarily agree with that. 

I am just sick of her feelings being the only ones considered. I have to write an email all sweet and buttery, for what?

I sent her a full detailed apology, and I get "im sorry for it all" wtf? Come on, she said she to me that had me in tears! Literally! I am over 6 feet, almost 300lbs, and im standing there in tears. 

But i have to sugar coat how i feel because heaven forbid she takes it the wrong way.

I have feelings too, and my feelings were hurt. She continuously says stuff like this on purpose because she knows it hurts.


----------



## Sanity

OnraSR said:


> Thank you. I liked this idea so i just sent her this email:
> 
> I think this entire thing has once again gotten way out of hand. I don't hate you at all, I love you. And these situations get me so crazy because i'm scared of losing you. We need to step outside of our own anger and frustrations, and put [daughter] above everything. Period. No excuses, no final points, no nothing.
> 
> And most importantly, you are carrying a baby inside of you. What part of "do not get stressed out" are you not understanding?
> 
> We both need to grow up, and stop being so immature. We need to be beyond thinking of ourselves.
> 
> I acted childish and immature, i screamed and cursed, almost broke the door ... and i am sorry. I realize it was wrong, and only made things worse. This wont happen again, i can promise you that.
> 
> Ill see you at home and we can sit down and talk to [daughter] about how we acted.
> 
> Love you
> 
> ray: :banghead: ray: :banghead:



From your post its my opinion that you have a toxic marriage. YOU BOTH need some IC and maybe MC to sort some things out. 

I lived in a toxic marriage for five years and finally divorced after seeing my son cower in fear closing his eyes when mommy and daddy would fight. 

Your wife seems to argue unfairly and without boundaries. She does not respect you, the marriage, household, herself and the most importantly, the innocence of the child. Your wife fights using the "winner take all" method. This personality is impossible to reason with and will destroy you eventually. Her personality and your anger management = Dysfunction. 

We do not know you as a person but from your brief description you definitely have a anger management problem and/or your wife might be an abrasive, destructive force in your life that has made you an anger, bitter man.

Regardless of how you answer any of this, please take a moment to reflect on these recent events and really ask yourself if this is what you want for the rest of your life and your daughter. If this continues, you will end up:

1 In jail.
2. Losing custody of the kids because of a violent criminal record.
3. Die early due to stress related illness.
4. Posting/*****ing on talkaboutmarriage.com for years.

Brother, some people are just not meant to be together. I'm not telling you to divorce but I'm not telling you that you have a great marriage either. 

PS: *DON'T EVER AGAIN!* write her another email with details of physical violence or abuse. This *CAN *and more likely *WILL* be used against you for divorce and custody proceedings especially if she lawyers up and you go pro se (no lawyer). *NOTHING* in writing other than positive things and non-threatening language. This includes text messages.


----------



## Sanity

OnraSR said:


> yes. My wife would tell you i am very controlling, though i don't necesarily agree with that.
> 
> I am just sick of her feelings being the only ones considered. I have to write an email all sweet and buttery, for what?
> 
> I sent her a full detailed apology, and I get "im sorry for it all" wtf? Come on, she said she to me that had me in tears! Literally! I am over 6 feet, almost 300lbs, and im standing there in tears.
> 
> But i have to sugar coat how i feel because heaven forbid she takes it the wrong way.
> 
> I have feelings too, and my feelings were hurt. She continuously says stuff like this on purpose because she knows it hurts.



OnraSR,

Do you stay angry for hours or days at a time? Do your feel anxious about your reality around you and wish you hand more control?


----------



## OnraSR

Sanity said:


> Your wife seems to argue unfairly and without boundaries. She does not respect you, the marriage, household, herself and the most importantly, the innocence of the child. Your wife fights using the "winner take all" method. This personality is impossible to reason with and will destroy you eventually. Her personality and your anger management = Dysfunction.


I have been trying to find the words to express this for more years than i can remember. 

Where can i learn more about this (besides going home, heh)

Thank you


----------



## OnraSR

Sanity said:


> OnraSR,
> 
> Do you stay angry for hours or days at a time? Do your feel anxious about your reality around you and wish you hand more control?


No, in fact im the exact opposite. I can usually "move on" pretty easily and quickly. 

I.e the email i sent her, suggesting we put this behind us. She would never suggest such a thing, she would rather fight to the death. 

And i have learned many years ago that saying "keep this up and i'll leave" does nothing but get her to say "go ahead, IDGAF!" but sadly, she means it. 

She would have no issues at all if i were to get in my car and head for the sunset. And my daughter would be told some BS about how i was, and where i went.


----------



## OnraSR

I'll add that i really appreciate everybody getting involved here and offering feedback. 

I really hate involving friends or family in this stuff because often times our arguments are FIERCE, we get someone else involved, and before you blink your eye we are done with the argument. Me and wife are moving along fine, but the 3rd person is standing there with their head shaking ha

So this forum definitely helps to vent, receive some uncensored, unbiased advice. 

Thanks all! I receive email alerts on updates, so feel free to dig in deeper if you like. 

PS, still waiting on reply from my wife  she is probably busy at work.


----------



## desert-rose

You should try reading a book about how to manage your anger better. You're scaring your wife and creating a lot of stress because of your temper. You've said so, yourself. That means you need to learn how to control it better. Your relationship with each other borders on abusive and you want to fix it while you can and before the damage is too much to repair, I imagine.

Yes, you should see a counselor -- for anger management. And, since you both push each others buttons in ways that flirt with violence (broken doors, etc), you should go see a marriage counselor together to see if you can learn to manage better conflict resolution between yourselves. 

Venting is good, but if you choose to do nothing about the actual problem, it's just going to continue. You're recognizing a problem -- good. Now, go fix it to the best of YOUR ability and just hope that your wife will also give her efforts in the same way. If not, then you're probably just not really compatible and will continue to create strife and pain for each other because you haven't learned this aspect of compromise and communication. You seem to care enough to come to this site to try something, so make a sincere effort; I am sure it will help you both and your children in the long run.

I recommend these books -- "Honor Your Anger: How Transforming Your Anger Style Can Change Your Life" by Beverly Engel or "Beyond Anger: A Guide for Men" by Thomas Harbin.

Good Luck to you and your family.


----------



## synthetic

I can relate to your situation a lot. In fact, I suffer from the same thing you suffer from. There's no name for it. There's no doctor that can cure it. There is no permanent fix. It will be a life-long battle. Get ready to go to war with yourself. This is not about your wife or your daughter. It's only about you. Don't even pretend like you're doing this for someone else. You have no choice but to learn to defeat yourself (the animal in you) in order to *survive*. You will not live long if you don't arm yourself to the teeth against your inner monster (who rarely comes out, but when he does, well...)

Your wife is a stubborn idiot. Sorry to call her an idiot, but that's what she is. An idiot. Happy that finally someone agrees with you? Don't be. It doesn't matter one bit.

Unfortunately, how the monster in you behaves is very related to your understanding and observation of the one and only role-model you instinctively chose when you turned 2-3 years old: *YOUR FATHER*.

How your father (or whichever male figure raised you) behaved in his life is the biggest reason for your complication. Does that really matter? No!

You also have insecurities that have turned you into a defensive, prideful human being. Does that matter? Yes it does. You have to understand that those insecurities are much more important than you think. In a nutshell, this is what you have to do about those insecurities: Accept who you are, your past, your weaknesses and your life achievements. That's you and it's beautiful. You are a beautiful human being who can love and be loved no matter what your wife says or thinks of you.

You're in your 30s and will need to take a practical approach to deflect the darts that your wife throws at your face. I understand you are able to do this to a certain degree right now, but you're complaining about her exceeding her quota. Well here it goes:

*F-U-C-K THE QUOTA*. Have no quota. What's gonna happen? Are you gonna die? No!

Initially you'll hurt. That's your pride screaming inside you to go and rip your wife a new one. Don't listen to it. Eventually it will give up.

Do this 3-4 times with your wife and one day you'll realize you no longer have any buttons that your wife can push. That's when you have won the battle. It will feel very good.


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

OnraSR said:


> her reply:
> 
> 
> Stubborn to the very f*cking end. What is it with women?? Or is it just my woman??
> 
> and my reply


I don't understand your reply at all. How is her saying "I am sorry for all of it" in any way her being stubborn?

I really don't get it. It sounds to me like she's opening the door to talk, proceeds to the details (*when* you can talk), and then you close it by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry isn't enough".

A lot of your sentences come across as extremely aggressive to me, and I'm a guy.


----------



## OnraSR

I have NOT hit send yet. Is there anything in this email i should avoid saying? 

Its pretty much all how i feel



> All i know is you say some pretty evil sh*t. Not just last night, its just the way you are. Its your way, or i can get the f*ck out ... and f*ck anyone and everyone who tries to say anything about it.
> 
> regardless of ANYTHING we are going through, you should do anything in your power to prevent [daughter] from being afraid of her father, or being scared, or seeing us act like that. But instead, its like you provoke it ... just to prove a point. You could shoot me in the face and i would go out of my way to make sure the baby realizes we still love each other, and you know that i have done it time after time.
> 
> But you lock the door to keep me out? You try to stop me from hugging her? Tell me you don't trust me with her, right in front of her???
> 
> It is not OK. I am not OK. You will not just get off with a "sorry for it all". I may be a big scary guy to you but I have feelings, and my feelings were hurt, badly, and on intentionally.
> 
> You can tell me to get the f*ck out, or you can stop being a b*tch and actually show some love and respect for your marriage, and your family. Stop acting like you want to be a single parent, and act like you're willing to do anything it takes to hold us together and make it work ... Like I am.


----------



## OnraSR

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I don't understand your reply at all. How is her saying "I am sorry for all of it" in any way her being stubborn?
> 
> I really don't get it. It sounds to me like she's opening the door to talk, proceeds to the details (*when* you can talk), and then you close it by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry isn't enough".


For 2 days I have been ademant about her admitting fault in some part of this. Tell me what she did wrong, as I have done for her. Tell me she is sorry about something and she will try to not let it happen again, as I have. 

She knows exactly what i want to hear, and she is being stubborn and refusing to say it. 

Im willing to move on, all i want is a legitimate, sincere apology. "sorry for it all" took about a millisecond of thought. 

Just because I have testicles and a deep voice, does not mean I dont also have feelings that can be hurt.


----------



## Acorn

DvlsAdvc8 said:


> I don't understand your reply at all. How is her saying "I am sorry for all of it" in any way her being stubborn?
> 
> I really don't get it. It sounds to me like she's opening the door to talk, proceeds to the details (*when* you can talk), and then you close it by saying something along the lines of "I'm sorry isn't enough".
> 
> A lot of your sentences come across as extremely aggressive to me, and I'm a guy.


I agree with this and I stand by the idea that she must live every day on eggshells. She agreed, apologized, and even explained why her reply was brief - all in all a very sane reply. In return she gets a ballistic response. I don't get it.


----------



## Jellybeans

Onra, get the book "Boundaries in Marriage" by Cloud-Townsend. It may be helpful. 

I really think you guys should look into counselling together.


----------



## that_girl

Take some classes. The both of you.


----------



## OnraSR

Angel5112 said:


> This email is very controlling. If my H ever wrote me something that told me what I was going to do, when I was going to do it, and what I was going to say, I would very kindly tell him to f-off. You aren't her master.


Im also not her doormat or punching bag. Is it so that men these days must just put up with this stuff from women, and the second they speak up it becomes abuse, or controlling? All i want is a sincere apology! It would appear somewhat sincere and legit if she added some details to it. 



Angel5112 said:


> You also have to parent 50/50. Keeping your daughter up late so YOU can feel reassured isn't right. That is putting you first, not your daughter.


 I should have clarified ... I get home from work 30min past my daughters bedtime. And its not for my benefit at all, it is something I feel my daughter needs to hear from both of us. 



Angel5112 said:


> She apologized and it wasn't good enough for you. It wasn't as eloquent as you wanted, therefore it wasn't worthy. Maybe she has difficulty apologizing or admitting she is wrong. It wasn't specific, but it was still an apology. This means she was admitting that she was wrong too.


The way i read her "apology" it might as well have said "oh my god just leave me alone, fine alright im sorry for anything you think i have done. now will you shut up??"




Angel5112 said:


> I honestly wonder what your wife’s story would be, if she were here.


I have tried to be as truthful as possible, I have not hid anything regardless of how it would make me look ... i.e. the door, the screaming and cursing, etc. I am not trying to paint a one sided picture here. 



Angel5112 said:


> Also, just because she laughed when you told your daughter that you both loved each other doesn't mean she wasn't scared. A lot of people laugh in emotionally extreme situations. It's a coping mechanism.


True ... but i am with her for 17yrs i think, never giving even a hint of reason to be afraid of me. I am not a physical person, and we have had some extreme fights. 



Angel5112 said:


> Threatening to break down a door or punching holes in walls is abusive behavior. Period.


Ok ill accept that. Then what is her behavior? Locking the door when you know for a fact your husband wants to come in, and knowing he is at his the edge of his sanity from the bullsh*t you put him through for the last few hours, so maybe you shouldn't edge him on any more. What is that? 

Once again I am judged on my reaction to her actions. Gives me a new respect for the guy that goes "postal" at work, nobody ever asks what he has been put through to lead him to that.


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> I have NOT hit send yet. Is there anything in this email i should avoid saying?
> 
> Its pretty much all how i feel


It's a controlling email. You need to stop worrying about how your wife behaves for now. It's important that you realize the only person you can change is you. She's going to behave how she wishes no matter what you say or do. Fix yourself THEN worry about helping your W/marriage. You are in no position to tell her how to behave. Your email shows your inability to communicate in a healthy manner. 

When the plane is going down, there's a reason you're asked to put on your oxygen mask before attempting to help anyone else. You need oxygen, now! Hopefully you'll be able to help your W find her mask later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DvlsAdvc8

OnraSR said:


> For 2 days I have been ademant about her admitting fault in some part of this. Tell me what she did wrong, as I have done for her. Tell me she is sorry about something and she will try to not let it happen again, as I have.
> 
> She knows exactly what i want to hear, and she is being stubborn and refusing to say it.
> 
> Im willing to move on, all i want is a legitimate, sincere apology. "sorry for it all" took about a millisecond of thought.
> 
> Just because I have testicles and a deep voice, does not mean I dont also have feelings that can be hurt.


Yeah, but she did say she was in class... didn't have time... "sorry for all of it" is pretty good short form.

Now talk to her later, calmly, and run through what you feel hurt by... each time specifying some matching thing you did wrong. Look at it less as trying to place blame, and focus on what you and she can do to acknowledge and try to avoid it.

You sound like you two could do to have a "safe word" lol 

Some goofy word that when said means everyone chill the f out... disarm, and talk about it later when calm.


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> Once again I am judged on my reaction to her actions.


As you should be. People can make you feel, they can't control your actions. You need to be accountable for how you behave at all times. I'm sure if we asked her about her behavior she could pin-point something you did that "made" her act that way. It's a vicious cycle and YOU can break it. 

We'd be telling her to break the cycle if she were here, so please don't think anyone believes you're 100% at fault for your marital issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnraSR

FINE! 

Not sending the email. 

And i guess I really am a monster, according to the majority here so far. I really should not expect a sincere apology more than 3 general vague words. 

I guess i should feel fine with the fact that i went above all the BS and sent her details of how i felt, and what i apologized for, adding that i love her and would do anything for her ... just to get a "stfu already" reply. 

I guess im an idiot for thinking keeping my daughter awake for 30min later to hear her mommy and daddy love each other and are sorry for what they put her through, i guess thats just stupid and i should let her go to bed. We can always deal with it another time, right? 

Yep, Im controlling. I guess my expectations are too unrealistic.

Thank you everybody for your honest inputs. I know i sound pissed off, and i really am, but i never intend on taking it out on anyone here. 

Thank you for being patient and forgiving with me.


----------



## Prodigal

OnraSR said:


> For 2 days I have been ademant about her admitting fault in some part of this. Tell me what she did wrong, as I have done for her. Tell me she is sorry about something and she will try to not let it happen again, as I have.
> 
> She knows exactly what i want to hear, and she is being stubborn and refusing to say it.


This is where expectations come into play. And expectations can leave us feeling screwed-over, playing the finger-pointing game, and going 'round and 'round the same old mountain time after time ...

To heck with whether or not she apologizes, or says what you want to hear. HERE ARE THE THREE THINGS - AND THREE THINGS ONLY - OVER WHICH YOU HAVE CONTROL: (1)YOUR RESPONSES/REACTIONS TO OTHERS, (2) WHAT YOU THINK, AND (3)WHAT YOU SAY. Period.

I understand completely why you feel as you do. I lived in a situation with an alcoholic who, to this day, has never apologized for the crap he pulled on me. When I stopped expecting anything out of him, set my boundaries as to what I would accept, and then was able to detach, I was over it.

And it took a lot of work, lots of thinking outside my comfort zone, and laying down a ton of anger. You and your wife are in a self-perpetuating winner-take-all, nobody-wins, battle. Either you get into counseling to learn how to change, or you take a time-out, or you leave.

From what you said, your wife wouldn't give a flying fig if you packed up and left for good. So why live with someone who feels this way about you?

Please get this, if nothing else: YOU CANNOT CONTROL HER RESPONSES. Yes, her responses may suck to you, but she owns them, not you. If you don't like it, you can tell her so, then pack up and leave for awhile. If she doesn't care if you return, then I guess you have your answer as to where this marriage is heading.


----------



## OnraSR

I feel like if the shoe were on the other foot, and i came on here posting how my wife was begging me for an apology, and wanted me to admit my fault so i sent her a "sorry for all of it" email

all the posts on here would be on the other side of the fence. 
How could you do that? She spelled out what she wanted to hear and thats all you sent?

Why would you be so shallow after hurting her feelings so badly? 

How could you send such a vague email? This is your wife, not some stranger or colleague!

But its just easy and accepted to call the man the monster, and use the word "Toxic" more than a brittany spears song.


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> I feel like if the shoe were on the other foot, and i came on here posting how my wife was begging me for an apology, and wanted me to admit my fault so i sent her a "sorry for all of it" email
> 
> all the posts on here would be on the other side of the fence.
> How could you do that? She spelled out what she wanted to hear and thats all you sent?
> 
> Why would you be so shallow after hurting her feelings so badly?
> 
> How could you send such a vague email? This is your wife, not some stranger or colleague!
> 
> But its just easy and accepted to call the man the monster, and use the word "Toxic" more than a brittany spears song.


If you want your M to work you're going to have to stop finding excuses to behave the way you do. 

My M was a lot like yours. My H and I would go around in circles, never really listening to eachother, fighting to be heard. I realized the cycle first, so I had to be the one to break it. It was SO hard in the beginning. The first few weeks I was angry because I had changed so much and he stayed as mean as ever. When he started to understand I would no longer be dragged into fights, that I refused to participate when he'd speak down to me, that I had a REAL interest in how he felt, he began to soften. More importantly, I became proud of myself. I know how to handle conflict appropriately and that's a valuable life tool.

Right now you have no idea of the damage you're doing to yourself and your M. Allow yourself to become the change your marriage needs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnraSR

You're all right, and thank you for the feedback. I obviously have issues, and will look into options for getting help. 

Much appreciated.


----------



## EleGirl

OnraSR said:


> FINE!
> 
> Not sending the email.
> 
> And i guess I really am a monster, according to the majority here so far. I really should not expect a sincere apology more than 3 general vague words.
> 
> I guess i should feel fine with the fact that i went above all the BS and sent her details of how i felt, and what i apologized for, adding that i love her and would do anything for her ... just to get a "stfu already" reply.
> 
> I guess im an idiot for thinking keeping my daughter awake for 30min later to hear her mommy and daddy love each other and are sorry for what they put her through, i guess thats just stupid and i should let her go to bed. We can always deal with it another time, right?
> 
> Yep, Im controlling. I guess my expectations are too unrealistic.
> 
> Thank you everybody for your honest inputs. I know i sound pissed off, and i really am, but i never intend on taking it out on anyone here.
> 
> Thank you for being patient and forgiving with me.





OnraSR said:


> FINE!
> 
> Not sending the email.
> 
> And i guess I really am a monster, according to the majority here so far. I really should not expect a sincere apology more than 3 general vague words.
> 
> I guess i should feel fine with the fact that i went above all the BS and sent her details of how i felt, and what i apologized for, adding that i love her and would do anything for her ... just to get a "stfu already" reply.
> 
> I guess im an idiot for thinking keeping my daughter awake for 30min later to hear her mommy and daddy love each other and are sorry for what they put her through, i guess thats just stupid and i should let her go to bed. We can always deal with it another time, right?
> 
> Yep, Im controlling. I guess my expectations are too unrealistic.
> 
> Thank you everybody for your honest inputs. I know i sound pissed off, and i really am, but i never intend on taking it out on anyone here.
> 
> Thank you for being patient and forgiving with me.


Look we are all trying to help you. Each person responding has a different point of view. Take all of the points of view and look at them.. find what is common. We all seem to think that your wife's behavior is not good.

We all are saying that you and your wife BOTH need help in learning how to talk about things that hurt you and things that you disagee about.

We all are saying, like you are saying, that your daughter's wellbeing is the most important thing here.

Not everyone is saying that you are controlling or a monster or whatever. Just drop that. Drop the ok I’m horrible stuff. That gets you nowhere. 

What I see in you is a very frustrated man who is beyond your wit's end with what is going on. What we are telling you is that you need new skills in how to deal with your situation. You have been given some very good advice.

The first email you wrote your wife was very good. I think it had a good impact on her because she did send an apology... short but it was an apology. It's a start. 

Don't blow your good email by coming down on her apology. 
Accept her apology. Each time you accept something positive she does, no matter how small, you are teaching her that it’s safe for her to be positive to you. Accept every small apology she gives you, eventually she will feel emotionally safe enough to give a big apology.


----------



## OnraSR

Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MEM2020

Onrasr,
I think you're making progress. She is awful. The only viable long term solution (where you get to be happy) is for her to be less awful. And the only path to that outcome is you learning to ignore her when she says things that are hurtful and walk away when she continues to pome at you. And then continue to ignore her until she apologizes. In the beginning that will take days or weeks since you have trained her to believe she can always get you to lose t and then claim you are the bad guy.

One other thing. Get a voice activated recorder and use it for a week without telling her.

Then email her the nasty comments she makes and when she lies about them and she will lie, play her the tape.

Don't threaten to play the tape for anyone else or you will be q rig like the angry guy she wants you to be.

Just for her and maybe a marriage counselor. She will be embarrased trust me.


UOTE=OnraSR;616822]Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnraSR

Absolutely. 

I finally did get an email in return from her, maybe 3 hours later. It would take too long to edit it to remove all the cursing and insults id rather not have posted in public, so let me just say that it was NOT an apology. 

We had our talk with the baby, and i did all the talking. I would have liked her to chime in so its not just daddy saying the stuff, but cant ask for everything right? At least she has a pulse and was in the room with me. 

Then we went to sleep. But she didn't want me sleeping next to her and wanted to go sleep on the couch, which i didn't want since she is pregnant, so i slept on the floor next to the bed. Like a dog. 

She then woke me up (she gets up before me, then wakes me an hour later) late and said a total 4 words to me "have a good day" before i heard the door slam and the car start. 

I am also afraid to "get help" because wont it just be that much more she has against me as an unfit parent? if im unstable and seeking therapy, and such?


----------



## HazelGrove

You don't have to tell her, at this point, that you are seeking help. Just keep a firm grip on your reactions, and find a therapist who can help you do that. Set your boundaries and calmly stick to them. 

I agree with those who say that one of you has to break the cycle, and since you are here already looking for help, that one might as well be you 

Ask yourself - what kind of marriage do you want? What family do you want? And what you can do to make it happen?

You can change yourself, and changing yourself will automatically change the dynamics between you. At that point - and it could take a little while, as she adjusts to the new dynamics - it's up to her to change herself and complete the circle between you. 

And no, you're not a monster. But you're not an angel either . All you need to be is a man, in charge of himself. That will revolutionize your life.


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> Absolutely.
> 
> I finally did get an email in return from her, maybe 3 hours later. It would take too long to edit it to remove all the cursing and insults id rather not have posted in public, so let me just say that it was NOT an apology.
> 
> We had our talk with the baby, and i did all the talking. I would have liked her to chime in so its not just daddy saying the stuff, but cant ask for everything right? At least she has a pulse and was in the room with me.
> 
> Then we went to sleep. But she didn't want me sleeping next to her and wanted to go sleep on the couch, which i didn't want since she is pregnant, so i slept on the floor next to the bed. Like a dog.
> 
> She then woke me up (she gets up before me, then wakes me an hour later) late and said a total 4 words to me "have a good day" before i heard the door slam and the car start.
> 
> I am also afraid to "get help" because wont it just be that much more she has against me as an unfit parent? if im unstable and seeking therapy, and such?


In the future if she doesn't want to sleep with you allow her to leave. Yes, you should treat her especially well when she's pregnant, but if she doesn't want to sleep with you she should be the one to sleep elsewhere. Nearly everything a woman can do prepregnancy she can do while pregnant, so no worries.

She cannot use your willingness to seek therapy against you in any legal sense AFAIK. She may use it as ammo in a fight, so just prepare yourself with a one-liner that you can say while remaining calm. "There's nothing wrong with wanting to better myself for the sake of our family" would work just fine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Both of you are drama queens. Especially you OnraSR. I don't know much about her.But you escalated the apology situation. She did a good first step like you. Then you ruined it by replying with a aggressive controlling mail. Your reply was neither tactful or mature. Then you get passive aggressive with the forum members for calling you out. The fact that you cannot see your controlling aspects of your personality will be big problem(I'm a guy by the way).

Both of you need some external help. There seems to be a lot of hate in the air and neither of you two are equipped or mature enough about it. You will become a great father and husband if you can fix these quirks of yours. Cheers


----------



## Kricket

You and your wife lack basic respect for one another. She does not respect you as a man and as a father and you do not respect her as a woman and a mother.

If you do get to a point where you can start over with some civilty, you should make it a point to never use that kind of language to your wife as she should never say any negative about you in front of your children. In the long run, it is going to shape your childrens' outlook on what a healthy marriage should look like and you are creating a vicious cycle of their future relationships.

I wish you the best of luck in fixing this situation.


----------



## OnraSR

Agreed. 

The point of my topic, is that after nearly 20 years together, my wife knows me. Whether im good, bad, or ugly .. she knows me better than i know myself. 

She does what she does, specifically to bring out the beast. Knowing full well exactly what is about to come about.

What bothers me most about some of these replies is not the people calling me names, judging me, criticizing me, etc. In fact i fully understand everything said. What bothers me the most is the people who imply its easy, or even possible, to "not let it get to you" or "walk the other way", etc. 

I have tried everything. If she has a desire to push my buttons, my buttons will be pushed. regardless of whether i have duct tape over my mouth, or chain myself down in the basement. here is my previous post on that: 


OnraSR said:


> i swear when we begin these arguments im not an idiot, i see them coming a mile away ... i try and TRY AND TRY to not let them get heated.
> 
> I talk calmly. I ask her to calm down. I ask her to stop speaking to me like that. I ask her to take it down a notch or i wont reply.
> 
> and she keeps spewing sh*t out of her mouth until finally something, one little tiny thing, gets my volume up slightly. She repeats this as needed until we are both full blown screaming at each other.
> 
> So yes, im a psycho. im an animal. Im a threat to everyone around me. But only after her continuous and intentional poking and provoking!


----------



## Speed

If you are really worried about your children then you need to fix the problem. If she won't go to counsoling with you then you have your answer. This is a two sided issue, fixing one side won't fix the whole problem. I think divorce in this instance would be best for the children if you two can't get your $hit together.


----------



## Speed

OnraSR said:


> Agreed.
> 
> The point of my topic, is that after nearly 20 years together, my wife knows me. Whether im good, bad, or ugly .. she knows me better than i know myself.
> 
> She does what she does, specifically to bring out the beast. Knowing full well exactly what is about to come about.
> 
> What bothers me most about some of these replies is not the people calling me names, judging me, criticizing me, etc. In fact i fully understand everything said. What bothers me the most is the people who imply its easy, or even possible, to "not let it get to you" or "walk the other way", etc.
> 
> I have tried everything. If she has a desire to push my buttons, my buttons will be pushed. regardless of whether i have duct tape over my mouth, or chain myself down in the basement. here is my previous post on that:


What bothers me most about this post is that after 20 years you haven't gotten tired of it. You are her pawn and you continue to let yourself be played. 

And then you introduce children into the mess you call a marriage.

I think you two like the drama.


----------



## Trojan John

I used to consider myself to be one of the most patient people on the planet. NOTHING would get to me. As I've gotten older, things have changed and I've developed a bit of my mother's impatience. I am usually incredibly patient with my wife, but after some major work stress for the both of us and her determination to press my buttons, I became much less patient with her. It was Pavlovian. She would push, I would react. 

I had to teach myself to stop reacting. I forced myself to not let her prods get a rise out of me. And finally, I intentionally pressed her buttons in a wholly academic exercise to demonstrate how it feels. We've never attacked each other since then. Find a solution that works for you, but realise that it STARTS with you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Kurosity

Wow I did not read all the post between the first page and the last one.

What do you want to hear??? I am thinking that blaming your wife is much easier than admitting you have a problem. Sure sounds like she has some faults and blame here too. But I am talking to you.

You had better get controll of your self for everyone involved. It sounds like you do not want your children to be in the midst of this behavior between you and your wife. The salution has to start some where so why not with you?

I really hope that you can figure out away to end this behavior bettween you and your wife and, even though I am all for marriages staying together, even if the only answer is divorce do something for your children.


----------



## LovesHerMan

Marriages work only when people learn to fight fair. You need to develop a plan for the next time you feel an angry situation brewing. It is crucial that you stop the nastiness immediately before it escalates. Have some sort of signal, like raising your hand, to indicate that you will not engage in angry talk. If your wife continues to argue, leave the room. 

She is as guilty as you are of continuing the angry, pointless discussions, but you must be the one to show her a way out of the destructive emotions.

Tell her you will discuss matters when you both are calm.


----------



## MEM2020

And why is it you are unable to walk away? No one is suggesting you chain yourself anywhere. Just go in another room and shut the door. If she cannot make you angry, she may eventually stop trying. 

No one is suggesting you sit there and take it. And clearly you lack the ability to stay there and avoid the argument. As for walking away, it may feel bad at the moment but it will prevent you from losing your temper. 

A different question is this. What are YOU going to do to break this pattern that DOES NOT REQUIRE HER COOPERATION? Because right now, the last thing you will get is her cooperation.




OnraSR said:


> Agreed.
> 
> The point of my topic, is that after nearly 20 years together, my wife knows me. Whether im good, bad, or ugly .. she knows me better than i know myself.
> 
> She does what she does, specifically to bring out the beast. Knowing full well exactly what is about to come about.
> 
> What bothers me most about some of these replies is not the people calling me names, judging me, criticizing me, etc. In fact i fully understand everything said. What bothers me the most is the people who imply its easy, or even possible, to "not let it get to you" or "walk the other way", etc.
> 
> I have tried everything. If she has a desire to push my buttons, my buttons will be pushed. regardless of whether i have duct tape over my mouth, or chain myself down in the basement. here is my previous post on that:


----------



## Gratitude

It takes two people to argue.

You've lived with it for 20 years because that is how your relationship worked. But now you have a child and she is being brought into the dynamics, and it's not healthy. It's not just about the two of you anymore.

There's no point getting frustrated at your wife. I'm with you. We all agree. Period. You don't handle her well. Agreed? Great. Now, whatever the reason she is like that - immaturity, resentment, habits, learnt behaviour - it needs to change. More than likely counselling on her own would be great and then together. You have your own issues so don't play blame shifting round and round because really, where does that get you. Nothing is solved.

If she doesn't want to go to counselling, you have to make the decision to tell her that you believe her behaviour is appalling, she needs to stop it, now for everyones sake, and you will too. Big efforts. And if that doesn't work, you will take a breather if you can for a few days away or whatever until she decides that in order for the marriage to work successfully, she needs to work with you on this and seek help together.

Bottom line is without acknowledgment there is no change. If she refuses to accept anything is her fault as well or seek help, you can't just let it carry on. Be firm without attacking. Tell her you're not trying to hurt the family. You're trying to save it. And you will be willing to work on your faults if she works on hers. Genuine acknowledgment on your behalf with no excuses sometimes helps the other person to not feel attacked, and start to consider their own behaviour too.


----------



## WhereAmI

OnraSR said:


> Agreed.
> 
> The point of my topic, is that after nearly 20 years together, my wife knows me. Whether im good, bad, or ugly .. she knows me better than i know myself.
> 
> She does what she does, specifically to bring out the beast. Knowing full well exactly what is about to come about.
> 
> What bothers me most about some of these replies is not the people calling me names, judging me, criticizing me, etc. In fact i fully understand everything said. What bothers me the most is the people who imply its easy, or even possible, to "not let it get to you" or "walk the other way", etc.
> 
> I have tried everything. If she has a desire to push my buttons, my buttons will be pushed. regardless of whether i have duct tape over my mouth, or chain myself down in the basement. here is my previous post on that:


I apologize if I'm making it sound easy. It most certainly isn't. You are going to fail many times on your road to better communication. Hell, once (if) you actually get to the point of changing your relationship dynamic you'll have times that you revert to the old "monster." Those times will become increasingly few and far between and hopefully you'll be able to stop yourself, but they'll happen. 

The hardest time for you and your wife is going to be the first month or so. If you think she's pushing your buttons now, you're in for a treat. When one person decides to stop the dance the other often pushes back with everything they have. She's going to get nasty and pull every trick put of the bag to get the power back. You need to accept that this is going to be a difficult and trying time in your life.

The things she says and do WILL get to you for a long time, until you're able to understand them. She wouldn't behave this way if there were no reward. She wins every argument because she knows how to turn you into a monster. She knows you don't have self control. When you take the power back and stop letting her pull your strings, her behavior will likely change. If it doesn't, you're still a better person. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## OnraSR

MEM11363 said:


> And why is it you are unable to walk away? No one is suggesting you chain yourself anywhere. Just go in another room and shut the door.


If you were trying to piss someone off and they walked away, what would you do? 

She would 100% follow me. If i closed the door, she would open it. If i locked the door, she would sit outside pounding on it until i got so fed up i screamed or opened it. then she would show me her bruised hands and tell me its my fault

If i left the house she would lock the door and resume the argument upon my return ... IF she even lets me back in (see the 1st post where im locked out)

I am not a moron (not saying you think i am) i know what she is doing, and i know the logical things to do. avoid yelling, obviously no violence, walk away, try anything to get each of us to cool off, talk in a low calm voice, ask her to lower her voice, etc. 

been there, done that .. it infuriates her. And i can usually keep my calm VERY well. until she pushes the right buttons, i.e. saying something retarded about me to my daughter, or feeding my daughter with thoughts about me, or some other means of using her. 

then i flip. I am only human.


----------



## OnraSR

To add to my situation .. we have finally accepted each others apology and will be trying to avoid fighting any time possible. 

tomorrow we go to the doctor for her first sonogram so id really like this to be a very happy time, and not rehash the details of the fight. 

So we will revisit most of this, i suppose the next time it blows up as bad as it did 

But for now, it appears it is behind us ... or at least dormant.


----------



## Prodigal

OnraSR said:


> So we will revisit most of this, i suppose the next time it blows up as bad as it did
> 
> But for now, it appears it is behind us ... or at least dormant.


I decided to post again after reading through the entire thread. One thing entered my mind. I am only getting your side of the situation because your wife isn't the one posting here, so I am taking you at your word that you are giving us an accurate assessment of your situation.

I don't mean this disrespectfully, but why have you stayed with someone like this? It sounds like she brings out the worst in you. Also, her following you and refusing to let go until she drives you nuts ... Well, frankly, she sounds emotionally unstable to me. Is she looking for you to punch her out? Does she want to get into a knock-down, drag-out physical thing? I could be somewhat tenacious when trying to engage my husband in a heated discussion, but I backed down way before it got to pounding on locked doors.

Just wonder if you think your wife is a little unstable, emotionally-speaking?


----------



## EleGirl

OnraSR said:


> If you were trying to piss someone off and they walked away, what would you do?
> 
> She would 100% follow me. If i closed the door, she would open it. If i locked the door, she would sit outside pounding on it until i got so fed up i screamed or opened it. then she would show me her bruised hands and tell me its my fault
> 
> If i left the house she would lock the door and resume the argument upon my return ... IF she even lets me back in (see the 1st post where im locked out)


OnraSR, my ex-husband is a lot like your wife. I like you responded to his pressing my triggers by trying to get him to see my points of view, arguing my since and finally yelling, etc. The I read the book “The Dance of Anger” and followed what the book said to do. It says to not engage, to not respond and just walk away.

I had a routine that I practiced over and over in front of a mirror until it was an automatic reponse to his drama/yelling/throwing things, etc. When he’s start doing this I put my hand up an a ‘stop’ justure and said “STOP” firmly but not yelling. I would repeat the “STOP” a few times. Then I would say something like “I’m going to another room and will close you door. You will need to calm yourself down. We can talk after that.” It did not work well the first few times. But after a while it did work.

Part of the reason it worked is that when he was not yelling, picking, etc I told him very calmly that this is what I would do. I told him that it is his responsibility to calm himself down. That he needed to find some way to do it.. .like go for a walk, go somewhere quiet, something. It was his job to take care of his own anger.

It got to the point when I said “STOP”, he would just say that he was going for a walk or a bike ride. He’d leave for an hour and by the time he came back he was in control of himself.
If your wife is going to pound on the door, remind her that she is scaring your child. You could call the police if you want her removed from the house but I doubt you do. And I doubt you want them in your life.

Leaving the house is a good idea. But without the packed bag. Remember that you will have told her that you will be leaving for an hour or so to defuse the anger. She knows that you will be back. Either always keep your house keys in your pocket or hide one outside so that you can let yourself in.
I have complete faith that you can do this, that you can lead yourself and your wife out of this angry manner of handling things. 



OnraSR said:


> I am not a moron (not saying you think i am) i know what she is doing, and i know the logical things to do. avoid yelling, obviously no violence, walk away, try anything to get each of us to cool off, talk in a low calm voice, ask her to lower her voice, etc.
> 
> been there, done that .. it infuriates her. And i can usually keep my calm VERY well. until she pushes the right buttons, i.e. saying something retarded about me to my daughter, or feeding my daughter with thoughts about me, or some other means of using her.
> 
> then i flip. I am only human.


Another thing that can really help is for you to have a VAR (voice activated recorder) on you. When she starts her yelling, etc and telling your child hateful things about you get it on tape. 

If you end up having to call the police to stop her from banging down the door, you have the entire encounter recorded.
You can also play it back and let your wife hear what she sounds like. She probably does not realize how terrible she sounds. 

Does her family or her mother behave in this manner?


----------



## EleGirl

Prodigal said:


> I decided to post again after reading through the entire thread. One thing entered my mind. I am only getting your side of the situation because your wife isn't the one posting here, so I am taking you at your word that you are giving us an accurate assessment of your situation.
> 
> I don't mean this disrespectfully, but why have you stayed with someone like this? It sounds like she brings out the worst in you. Also, her following you and refusing to let go until she drives you nuts ... Well, frankly, she sounds emotionally unstable to me. Is she looking for you to punch her out? Does she want to get into a knock-down, drag-out physical thing? I could be somewhat tenacious when trying to engage my husband in a heated discussion, but I backed down way before it got to pounding on locked doors.
> 
> Just wonder if you think your wife is a little unstable, emotionally-speaking?


:iagree:

OnraSR, Does your wife seem to have two very distinct personalities? One where she is pretty mellow or even depressed and one where she is manic, or completely revved up?


----------



## OnraSR

EleGirl said:


> :iagree:
> 
> OnraSR, Does your wife seem to have two very distinct personalities? One where she is pretty mellow or even depressed and one where she is manic, or completely revved up?


as much as i want to say yes, i must admit that more describes me  

And to the post above .. i will absolutely look into this book, and listen to your advice. Tho i can see a few outcomes immediately. 

1) i will say "Stop" and she will smack my hand out of the way and tell me "dont you tell me to effing stop ...." and will continue

2) then i will say im going for a walk, she will follow that up by saying "good and stay the eff out, in fact im locking the door dont come back"

But wtf i have to try something hehe, so ill give it a shot.


----------



## Prodigal

OnraSR said:


> 1) i will say "Stop" and she will smack my hand out of the way and tell me "dont you tell me to effing stop ...." and will continue


I noticed that you ignore my posts or diss them. No matter. You are perpetuating this behavior. Again, I will ask you (not that I expect a solid answer at this point): Do you think your wife is emotionally unstable? Or do you think she is just a drama-junkie? How about the theory that she wants you to punch her out so she can go to court and get you tossed out for good?

Given what you are revealing about yourself, you may be bipolar, or you may have ADD. I hope you get counseling for yourself.


----------



## OnraSR

Prodigal said:


> I noticed that you ignore my posts or diss them. No matter. You are perpetuating this behavior. Again, I will ask you (not that I expect a solid answer at this point): Do you think your wife is emotionally unstable? Or do you think she is just a drama-junkie? How about the theory that she wants you to punch her out so she can go to court and get you tossed out for good?
> 
> Given what you are revealing about yourself, you may be bipolar, or you may have ADD. I hope you get counseling for yourself.


My apologies, i go on a rant about 1 post then close the site ...

I think she is just addicted to the drama. I think she refuses to feel like the loser in an argument or debate. I also think she refuses to rely on anyone (me) or feel like she needs a partner. 

she is afraid to let me be her partner, because then she may feel the loss if i ever leave. Which is ironic, i never threaten to leave ... ever. 

And yes i have my own issues, i wouldnt deny that for a second. But she knows that, and she also knows they would never show their face if we just avoid arguments. 

should we avoid all conflict? no. but there are ways to resolve things. And sometimes .. on a very rare occasion, you might just be wrong about something and it would be nice if you admit that!

There is no talking anything out with her. its conflict = war. There is also no "picking battles". Every battle is a war, and every war must be won.


----------



## MEM2020

Onra,

Your main themes on this thread are:
1. My W is emotionally abusive (BTW we believe you)
2. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it (even if I walk away she will just escalate and flip out)
3. I am a victim with no control over the outcome
I am a victim, I am a victim, ....
4. We are trending towards increased aggression in our fighting and I may end up accused of assault, with a restraining order and no access to my child
5. I am a victim, there is nothing I can do

You have been given many good coping strategies. You seem unable to plan and cope. If ignoring your W makes her more aggressive and she locks you out of the house, big deal. Make plans in advance to sleep elsewhere and send her a text telling her it is not legal to "lock you out" of the house just because she is angry that you won't let her scream at you. Of course a voice activated recorder would back your story up but you seem uninterested in using one. Perhaps you are afraid of how you will sound on the tape. I guess that means you are incapable of planning that you will ignore her no matter what she says to push your buttons. The fact that you can't do that is exactly why she DOES push them, because it lets her win. If you wouldn't react, darn right she will flip out. You may end up divorced over it - but sans restraining order and loss of custody. 






OnraSR said:


> My apologies, i go on a rant about 1 post then close the site ...
> 
> I think she is just addicted to the drama. I think she refuses to feel like the loser in an argument or debate. I also think she refuses to rely on anyone (me) or feel like she needs a partner.
> 
> she is afraid to let me be her partner, because then she may feel the loss if i ever leave. Which is ironic, i never threaten to leave ... ever.
> 
> And yes i have my own issues, i wouldnt deny that for a second. But she knows that, and she also knows they would never show their face if we just avoid arguments.
> 
> should we avoid all conflict? no. but there are ways to resolve things. And sometimes .. on a very rare occasion, you might just be wrong about something and it would be nice if you admit that!
> 
> There is no talking anything out with her. its conflict = war. There is also no "picking battles". Every battle is a war, and every war must be won.


----------



## young lovebird

Hi, I'm brand new to this forum but I found that your situation is exactly what I lived through as a child and what I feel brought me to this forum in the first place. 

I think your wife may have had some bad experiences in her past that made her bitter. Reflect on the good moments you had with your wife and try to remember why you fell in love with her in the first place. Why did that all end? when did it end? How did all of that love and affection you had for each other end up turning into disrespect and hate? 

I don't know what your religious practices are, but bringing God into your life will help you. I know it may seem stupid at first, but if you're relationship is going down a tube, you might at least try it.

God says, for example, that husbands are the head of the family. They are the ones that make the decisions and keep the family going. Wives, on the other hand, are the beauty and harmony of the relationship. They are supposed to help the husband in every way so that his responsibility is much easier. She is supposed to listen to him, respect him, feed him, and provide that beautiful warmth that women have into a relationship. 

You are the strength, and she follows with love, warmth and respect. In order to keep your family happy, and to change your wife, YOU MUST FIRST CHANGE YOURSELF!!!

You seem like such a sentimental father to me, and those sincere feelings for your children should motivate you to reignite the love that you two once had. DONT BE ANOTHER BROKEN MARRIAGE!

Start by doing the dishes, cleaning, working, making her laugh. Give her the importance that she used to have. She's angry and bitter for some reason, and the best way to fight an angry and bitter person is, in my opinion, through LAUGHTER and FLATTERY. Tell her, even if you don't feel it, that she looks beautiful. 
Stroke her cheek. Kiss her tenderly. Do whatever you did to make her fall in love with you again. If GOD is with you, YOU WILL SUCCEED. 

I really wish the best. You sound like a great person who just lost his way. I strongly urge you to just sit down and ask GOD to inspire you, because once you sincerely ask GOD to help, he will help.

 Good luck! I hope the best for you.

GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR FAMILY.


----------



## young lovebird

BTW, I am 19, but what I told u about god is important. 

I suffered from sexual abuse and domestic violence for years as a kid. I am traumatized beyond my wildest imagination. I don't show it to other people. i only SHOW THIS DESPAIR TO MY HUSBAND. I hurt my husband mentally by pulling my hair, screaming at the top of my lungs, stopping and pulling over the car ( if we're in the car arguing), hitting and scratching myself and by telling him off. 

My mom used to do the exact same things, but she went further by doing what your wife does. She would lock my sisters in a room whenever she thought HE showed up. She would scream at him through the door and scoff whenever he tried to soothe the situation. She would place a piano and 2 tables on the door so that he couldn't get in. I was the oldest daughter so I had to help her. Sometimes she would make us get dressed at night, even when we were sleeping, and go out with her when she was angry. My mom was bitter. She forgot what love was. She hated that man and she wanted to be the winner of this war. 

Your wife will end up the same way if you don't do what GOD says:

Be the head of the family. STAND UP FOR YOURSELF. TELL HER THAT YOU WON'T DIVORCE HER, BUT YOU ARE NOT AFRAID OF SEPARATING FROM HER FOR A WHILE SO THAT SHE CAN REFLECT BY HERSELF. GOD STILL SEES A SEPARATED COUPLE AS A HAPPILY MARRIED COUPLE UNTIL THEY DIVORCE. 

When you married your wife, you made a vow to her and to yourself and to God, that you would love her always until death, and that you would take care of her. Obviously something caused this disgusting change in her, just like something changed my mom into a bitter single mother. If you don't want your family to break, and just be another divorced couple, then take initiative and mend that oozing sore that is hurting you two. 

talk to your wife and make her feel that you sincerely want to help, but also tell her that if she won't change, that you'll leave her. Ignore her if she says you're leaving the babies without a father or if she tells you never to come back.

IF SHE TRULY LOVES YOU, SHE WILL MISS YOU. my mom used to fight with HIM really badly, and yet when he left, she felt alone and she actually missed him because she still felt some affection for him. 

PLEASE DON'T FORGET ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT GOD IS. BRING HIM IN YOUR LIFE SO THAT HE MAY CHANGE YOUR FAMILY. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/smthumbup.gif:smthumbup:


----------



## HazelGrove

young lovebird said:


> God says, for example, that husbands are the head of the family. They are the ones that make the decisions and keep the family going.


Gag. 

I can't even begin on all that's wrong with this statement. I love men and I love my husband, but this is nonsense in the 21st century. Even if there is such a god, s/he would never say anything so hopelessly ridiculous, even though a missionary called Paul did say it, a couple of millenia ago. A Middle Eastern writer in the Roman Empire isn't an appropriate marital guide for modern couples. You are 19. You have a lot of living and learning to do - in the meantime, I wish you a happy International Women's Day today. 


As to the OP: Mem11363 has said some very perceptive things. From what you have said of yourself, I would high-tail it to the psychiatrist and have yourself tested for bipolar. One of the problems with bipolar people is that they see themselves as victims and unable to take responsibility for their own reactions to other people's actions. Your wife also sounds like an A-class b****, but how you deal with her is in your hands. If you don't know how to exercise self-control, then that's where your problem lies - because even if you leave her and divorce, you'll still have to deal with her: you two will always be the parents of the same children, and that's not a co-responsibility that would end with divorce. So stay together or split up, you still have to solve your problem of self-control and taking responsibility for your actions.


----------



## OnraSR

Thank you, about the Religious talk. Yes we are Catholic, though we don't practice as we should. 

I don't necessarily agree with everything you said, but do agree with the overall message that if all else fails, why not let God have a crack at the issues  

But I do think my wife would break a door over your head if you ever told her I am the head of the family, and she needs to just look pretty and make my life easier ahahaha


----------



## OnraSR

HazelGrove said:


> I would high-tail it to the psychiatrist and have yourself tested for bipolar. One of the problems with bipolar people is that they see themselves as victims and unable to take responsibility for their own reactions to other people's actions.


Not that im denying it, or care one way or another if i am "diagnosed" but what a crock of sh*t those symptoms are ha! "do you breathe air? when your wife fights with you, is it her fault and never yours? do you reject the idea that you may be bipolar? BINGO! classic case ... bipolar all the way!!" blah
(PS, nothing against your comment, just venting about the comedy in the symptoms lol)



HazelGrove said:


> Your wife also sounds like an A-class b****, but how you deal with her is in your hands. If you don't know how to exercise self-control, then that's where your problem lies - because even if you leave her and divorce, you'll still have to deal with her: you two will always be the parents of the same children, and that's not a co-responsibility that would end with divorce. So stay together or split up, you still have to solve your problem of self-control and taking responsibility for your actions.


Agreed. And surprisingly regardless of any of this nonsense, I really dont want to leave her. I love her to death! We did make a Vow and i intend on keeping my end of the bargain. 

BUT its not going to be easy, and I suppose we both have to recognize issues and deal with them, both in each other, and individually.


----------



## Lydia

I think it sounds like you both have serious issues that you need to work on... I do feel that you have issues with coping with your anger, and she feeds off of that. You are fueling her with your reactions to the things she says.

Her problem is she sounds very cold, unsupportive, and she involves your child which is 100% horribly wrong of her to do. She should NEVER say negative things about you in front of your child, and vice versa.

I am really feeling that it would be best for you to both seek individual counseling as well as marital counseling. I know you stated you didn't want to hear that advice when you started your OP but I really don't think you will reach a solution yourself. Your wife will not talk to you, obviously... You need to seek outside help to break that barrier and work on the issues together. 

A counselor will allow you and your wife to discuss the issues/resolve the issues with no heating fights, broken doors, etc. and your child will not be there to witness hostile feelings. You will be able to get things off your chest outside of the home, and your home will no longer be the environment it currently is for your child.

No child deserves to witness a fight between their parents. My parents use to get in screaming matches & door slamming fights and I remember being really scared that something bad was going to happen... It will really damage your children and you need to seek help to resolve these issues, whether you feel you own responsibility or not.


----------



## desert-rose

OnraSR said:


> There is no talking anything out with her. its conflict = war. There is also no "picking battles". Every battle is a war, and every war must be won.


Sounds like my STBXH/WH/EH. I feel bad for you because this just sucks. Yes....better conflict resolution and impulse control would benefit you both!


----------



## larryfine

I had to register just to respond to this thread.

All of you people who think that it's his fault and that he needs to "control" his behavior or seek help for it are NUTS!

His wife obviously knows what she's doing and does what she can to elevate the level of the argument to nuclear. 

I have the same problem with my wife. 

She's not happy until the sh-t hits the fan. 

And everyone that knows me says that I'm one of the most "laid back" people they've ever met. ALL of my relationships in the past were major argument free. I never had one. Not one. I'm VERY open to compromise and can admit when I'm wrong. So, no, it's not my fault. 

It's her fault. 

She's mentally and emotionally unbalanced. 

Same goes for the OP. Dude, if you're reading this, RUN! Get out of there. She's only going to continue to make your life miserable. Move out and either find someone else who's not hateful, mean and crazy or be by yourself and focus on making your children happy.

It's unfortunate that some people make situations hopeless but that is what happens. My wife does it. Sounds like your wife does it too. 

I'm at the edge of breaking and getting a divorce. I don't want to because of my son but I think it would be better for him. I don't want him to have to endure the lunacy any more. 

And to all you people who tell the OP that he needs to seek help...shame on you. You're probably just responding out of guilt because you do the same thing to your spouse. What an ignorant, mindless response...You people are ridiculous. 

Good luck OP. I hope you can find happiness in this one life we've all been granted.


----------



## anotherguy

larryfine said:


> I had to register just to respond to this thread.
> 
> All of you people who think that it's his fault and that he needs to "control" his behavior or seek help for it are NUTS!
> 
> His wife obviously knows what she's doing and does what she can to elevate the level of the argument to nuclear.
> 
> I have the same problem with my wife.
> 
> She's not happy until the sh-t hits the fan.
> 
> And everyone that knows me says that I'm one of the most "laid back" people they've ever met. ALL of my relationships in the past were major argument free. I never had one. Not one. I'm VERY open to compromise and can admit when I'm wrong. So, no, it's not my fault.
> 
> It's her fault.
> 
> She's mentally and emotionally unbalanced.
> 
> Same goes for the OP. Dude, if you're reading this, RUN! Get out of there. She's only going to continue to make your life miserable. Move out and either find someone else who's not hateful, mean and crazy or be by yourself and focus on making your children happy.
> 
> It's unfortunate that some people make situations hopeless but that is what happens. My wife does it. Sounds like your wife does it too.
> 
> I'm at the edge of breaking and getting a divorce. I don't want to because of my son but I think it would be better for him. I don't want him to have to endure the lunacy any more.
> 
> And to all you people who tell the OP that he needs to seek help...shame on you. You're probably just responding out of guilt because you do the same thing to your spouse. What an ignorant, mindless response...You people are ridiculous.
> 
> Good luck OP. I hope you can find happiness in this one life we've all been granted.


I didnt read ANY of this thread except for the last post here. So my post is likely meaningless.

I actually saw my brothers family torn apart by what turned out to be a clinicaly diagnosed bipolar schizophrenic. She went, quite literaly, over the rainbow and behaved just like that. It was an unmittigated disaster for 10 years until the entire devestated hulk of a family crashed on the rocks. What a mess. They were ruined emotionally and financially (from medical bills related to it). 

Never underestimate the power of a single derranged mind on everything and everyone they come in contact with. I give my brother credit for sticking with it, and her for so long (for better or for worse)... but with 20/20 hindsight - it did no good and actually made things much, oh so much, worse. Makes me want to weep.


----------



## Uptown

larryfine said:


> I had to register just to respond to this thread.


Larry, welcome to the TAM forum. Because the OP (OnraSR) hasn't participated for six months, I am posting to suggest you start your own thread if you would like to discuss your STBXW's issues.


> His wife obviously knows what she's doing and does what she can to elevate the level of the argument to nuclear.


I agree with you. She should be held fully accountable for her selfish behavior and allowed to suffer the logical consequences of behaving like a spoiled child.


> I have the same problem with my wife. She's not happy until the sh-t hits the fan. She's mentally and emotionally unbalanced.


Like you and the OP, I was married to an emotionally unstable W for 15 years. I describe what it is like to live with a woman having strong BPD traits in Maybe's thread. My post is at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If that description of life with a BPDer rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Take care, Larry.


----------



## AnotherG

Acorn said:


> Actually, traumatizing your daughter due to your inability to control your anger is quite avoidable. The only one here who is in a position of unavoidable pain is your daughter. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like breaking doors and think of her.
> 
> And I'm pretty sure your wife is scared to death of you right now. Get a grip for a few seconds the next time you feel like abusing your wife in the name of seeing your daughter and think of how she must feel.
> 
> Get help.


It's amazing how easy it is for a person to simply ignore everything (her actions) mentioned. 

My wife does the same thing and instead of just ending it as I request, before it gets heated, she pushes and pushes. But NOOOOoooooo, keep pushing till pure rage occurs, then she'll leave making it appear it's all because of me.

Standard BS and apparently I'm not the only one. Thank God I found this website because it has truly reminded me how different men and women are. 

In summary, it seems like a standard relationship based on what I'm reading. You're going to be wrong no matter how much she elevates the situation (never a two-way streak). Life will continue to suck unless you move on like millions before you. Sad reality that I'm starting to realize and accept myself.


----------



## DoF

OnraSR said:


> I am my own worst enemy.


Better believe it

If you enable ANYONE to push your buttons to drive you insane, they WILL use it.

If they don't have that option/button, they won't.

As simple as that.

Mental control is what you need to be practicing and exercising. It won't happen over night but you need to start overwriting/ignoring your thoughts/brain at times and do things that are positive.

For example, when you packed up your bags and left. What you really should've done is politely ask your daughter to go in her room and ask your wife if you can have a healthy/mature conversation with her on the subject.

Being in control is important and it gets better with age/more you practice.


----------



## murphy5

so she is pushing all your buttons, and you, like a fool, are responding like a dancing marionette. Dude, learn how to argue like an adult, not fight, not use bad words, not storm out of the house like a petulant kid. Learn how to ignore her "pushing your buttons". When she sees it no longer has any effect, she will stop trying.

BTW, why did you get her pregnant again? what were you thinking?


----------



## EleGirl

@OnraSR

Your thread is not reopened as you requested.


----------



## OnraSR

Wow 9yrs has passed!

I just reread this entire thread. A lot of what you guys have said is 100% spot on. I am a very calm and passive person until triggered, at which time emotion takes over and I do have trouble controlling my anger. As for her yes she is a very "fight to the death" as someone said, type of arguer (is that a word).
So fast forward 9yrs and we're still together. We've had many similar "fights" over that time and I've come to realize a few things that have helped us remain together.
1. Shes not going to change. 
She will continue being the "fight to the death" irrational type of fighter.
She will continue to use those situations to show the kids how bad daddy is, in order to build her relationship with them and ensure if she ever did leave, they choose to remain with her.
She will never take ownership of something she did wrong, which will lead to her never sincerely apologizing or changing anything.

2. I dont want to leave her.
I put a lot of thought into that over the years. I love her, I love my life with her, and I love my kids having both parents together.

So having realized or learned all that, I've adjusted my own style of arguing. She does come at my throat and I just keep hitting her with "listen you are yelling. If you want me to answer any of what you are saying you need to take it down some" type stuff. Sometimes she does, other times she refuses and I just walk out letting her know I'll be back to try again later.

Doesn't always help and sometimes I slip and take her bait, but it's been getting us by..

Just wanted to update anyone curious.


----------



## EleGirl

It does sound like you are handling things much better.

It sounds like you are concerned that she's trying to alienate the children from you to some extent. Do you do things with them, just you and children?


----------



## Mr. Nail

Well give us the rest of the update.
You have a 13 year old daughter and an 8 year old child? Any others?
Are you still over 300# ?
Are you more or less into church? Have you changed churches?
How are you passing the pandemic? Working from home? Both or just one of you?

We have so many new members who are similar to you in that they really hurt each other when they fight. You are still living in a dysfunctional relationship, But your coping skills are improving. 

Sadly, many of your earlier responders have moved on, and no longer need the forum. There are a few like me that will probably never repair our situations, and few that have hung around to keep helping.
Anyway I hope you stay longer than a week this time.


----------



## OnraSR

Mr. Nail said:


> Well give us the rest of the update.
> You have a 13 year old daughter and an 8 year old child? Any others?
> Are you still over 300# ?
> Are you more or less into church? Have you changed churches?
> How are you passing the pandemic? Working from home? Both or just one of you?
> 
> We have so many new members who are similar to you in that they really hurt each other when they fight. You are still living in a dysfunctional relationship, But your coping skills are improving.
> 
> Sadly, many of your earlier responders have moved on, and no longer need the forum. There are a few like me that will probably never repair our situations, and few that have hung around to keep helping.
> Anyway I hope you stay longer than a week this time.


Thanks Mr Nail.
Just the 2 kids. Yes I've luckily lost some weight I'm 6'2 and floating around 250 but I feel comfortable here.

Pandemic has our lives nuts. I lost my father to covid 1st week of March before it was a "thing" which was a blessing in hindsight he was really suffering prior, and we were able to have a proper send off. A week later and that wouldn't have been so.

The kids being remote on and off adds its own stresses and complications.


----------



## Evinrude58

Do you feel your wife is incapable of seeing your perspective, or r just refuses to admit it’s valid?
Does your wife use the silent treatment as a weapon?
Do you feel that you love your wife more than she loves you?
Do you have an overwhelming urge to try to get things straightened out to both your satisfaction, but feel powerless to do so?
Does she have a “my way or the highway” mentality?

I recognize a lot of your problems in reading your thread. i can’t tell you how to solve them. It’s interesting that you found a way to live with her. I never really saw you where you mentioned what you actually argued about in the first place.

A couple of more questions, just out of curiousity:
Did your wife ever take diet pills like Adipex?

“I just walk out letting her know I'll be back to try again later.” Now that is a darn good mechanism. Telling her you’ll be back to try later. That allows tempers to calm and keeps communication open, shows you care, gives security and hope. 

“She will never take ownership of something she did wrong, which will lead to her never sincerely apologizing or changing anything”.

That struck a chord with me. I dealt with a woman like that and I was madly in love with her. I feel your pain on that. It was crazy making, indeed, to try so hard to get some validation my own feelings and thoughts—- and receive nothing. I would take the time to explain that I understood her perspective and make extensive effort to show her I understood her feelings, but there was no effort on her part to show she understood my feelings and my perspective. That’s all it would take is for her to acknowledge that she understood my feelings and I would have quickly said I’m sorry for my end (although I did repeatedly, anyway) and she could have apologized and it would be over—- history. It never happened.

I wanted so badly every time to put my arms around her and tell her I’m sorry and hear her say it, too. It NEVER happened.
In all honesty, I still have deep feelings for her. But I’ve accepted that she has problems that nobody can deal with in her interpersonal interactions. And that I must move on. 

You are lucky to have figured out a coping mechanism. Kudos for your patience. Kudos to the fact she cared enough to “keep coming at you”, as you put it. Lol, I’d rather that than the silent treatment which is what I got.

good luck.


----------



## OnraSR

Evinrude58 said:


> Do you feel your wife is incapable of seeing your perspective, or r just refuses to admit it’s valid?
> Does your wife use the silent treatment as a weapon?
> Do you feel that you love your wife more than she loves you?
> Do you have an overwhelming urge to try to get things straightened out to both your satisfaction, but feel powerless to do so?
> Does she have a “my way or the highway” mentality?
> 
> I recognize a lot of your problems in reading your thread. i can’t tell you how to solve them. It’s interesting that you found a way to live with her. I never really saw you where you mentioned what you actually argued about in the first place.
> 
> A couple of more questions, just out of curiousity:
> Did your wife ever take diet pills like Adipex?
> 
> “I just walk out letting her know I'll be back to try again later.” Now that is a darn good mechanism. Telling her you’ll be back to try later. That allows tempers to calm and keeps communication open, shows you care, gives security and hope.
> 
> “She will never take ownership of something she did wrong, which will lead to her never sincerely apologizing or changing anything”.
> 
> That struck a chord with me. I dealt with a woman like that and I was madly in love with her. I feel your pain on that. It was crazy making, indeed, to try so hard to get some validation my own feelings and thoughts—- and receive nothing. I would take the time to explain that I understood her perspective and make extensive effort to show her I understood her feelings, but there was no effort on her part to show she understood my feelings and my perspective. That’s all it would take is for her to acknowledge that she understood my feelings and I would have quickly said I’m sorry for my end (although I did repeatedly, anyway) and she could have apologized and it would be over—- history. It never happened.
> 
> I wanted so badly every time to put my arms around her and tell her I’m sorry and hear her say it, too. It NEVER happened.
> In all honesty, I still have deep feelings for her. But I’ve accepted that she has problems that nobody can deal with in her interpersonal interactions. And that I must move on.
> 
> You are lucky to have figured out a coping mechanism. Kudos for your patience. Kudos to the fact she cared enough to “keep coming at you”, as you put it. Lol, I’d rather that than the silent treatment which is what I got.
> 
> good luck.


No she's not incapable, more unwilling. When she's arguing the sky is lavender, and I'm saying honey it's blue .... she will fight til my throat is cut just to prove her point. The hurtful part is she has no problem involving family, friends and our kids. Then me conceding shows all those people that she was right, aka I am the monster she says I am.

It is what it is, I try to limit those severe situations.


----------



## MattMatt

OnraSR said:


> No she's not incapable, more unwilling. When she's arguing the sky is lavender, and I'm saying honey it's blue .... she will fight til my throat is cut just to prove her point. The hurtful part is she has no problem involving family, friends and our kids. Then me conceding shows all those people that she was right, aka I am the monster she says I am.
> 
> It is what it is, I try to limit those severe situations.


I learned from arguing with my ASD wife that sometimes acknowledging that her sky is lavender might be a helpful option.


----------



## Sukisue1234

OnraSR said:


> And as usual, the next day I am trying to patch things up, and she says she cannot forgive me for how i acted ...
> 
> all the things i said (nothing about what she said)
> all the things i did (nothing about what she did)
> how i acted like an animal (nothing about her provoking me)
> 
> I swear i think she does this on purpose to provoke my monster, and then use it against me.


She probably is very hormonal as pregnancy does that changes your hormonal health and can be making her angry, it's the only thing that makes sense if she's just started getting this way lately?? She can't take meds I don't think due to the pregnancy, but the good thing is it will change as she goes about the cycle of pregnancy, try to be the bigger person and leave for awhile while your both angry and if she's still mad let her be still she's over the anxiety, she may be afraid now that you have shown her this side, keep it together, be a Dad and remember she's changes thru out this,, I hope your not threatening to put your hands on her, what was this big blow up over?? It sometimes helps to talk about the subject of such an argument to get a handle on what's going on in your family's cycle of disheartening times. I'm definitely not blaming anyone here but your the man of the house and those kids daddy, do what's best and just go to the gym or park or go hang out with a Male friend do something else other than try to force her to work with you when it's been so heated,, cooling off walking around the block or something as to keep from this escalation. Do you do any reading on pregnancy or know much about what in saying about the hormonal changes?? Read up on your pregnancy material 🤗🤗😊


----------



## NextTimeAround

Acorn said:


> OP - I want to tell you that a common tactic of domestic abusers is to break household objects, doors, etc. to intimidate the spouse.
> 
> Maybe that was not your intent but that is where my mind jumps when you say stuff like this. Perhaps as other posters are saying, she is pushing your buttons knowing that you will react in a commonly accepted abusive manner to have some sort of power play on you.
> 
> For your own legal standing you really need to stop threatening to break down doors and the like or you WILL be viewed as an abusive spouse, especially if it becomes more and more habitual.
> If a policeman shows up and sees you breaking down a door, then short of fire or serious emergency, I imagine it is almost a certainty you will get arrested.


Destroying property is condiered abuse, ie child abuse, dmostic violence


----------



## Livvie

Sukisue1234 said:


> She probably is very hormonal as pregnancy does that changes your hormonal health and can be making her angry, it's the only thing that makes sense if she's just started getting this way lately?? She can't take meds I don't think due to the pregnancy, but the good thing is it will change as she goes about the cycle of pregnancy, try to be the bigger person and leave for awhile while your both angry and if she's still mad let her be still she's over the anxiety, she may be afraid now that you have shown her this side, keep it together, be a Dad and remember she's changes thru out this,, I hope your not threatening to put your hands on her, what was this big blow up over?? It sometimes helps to talk about the subject of such an argument to get a handle on what's going on in your family's cycle of disheartening times. I'm definitely not blaming anyone here but your the man of the house and those kids daddy, do what's best and just go to the gym or park or go hang out with a Male friend do something else other than try to force her to work with you when it's been so heated,, cooling off walking around the block or something as to keep from this escalation. Do you do any reading on pregnancy or know much about what in saying about the hormonal changes?? Read up on your pregnancy material 🤗🤗😊


Please. Did you read this thread?

Because the kids are 13 and 8 years old. It's not likely someone has pregnancy hormones almost a decade after their last pregnancy, right?

And I cry ******** on that, anyway. I've been pregnant twice. Breastfed for years. Gone through menopause. And no, these natural states of the body are no excuse to turn into an abusive, awful person.


----------



## Lostinthought61

Onrasr,

your verbiage reminds me domestic abuse victim....i am not suggesting that she is "abuser" but her behavior border lines on that, and that it's her way or the highway mentality is destructive and certainly not healthy. One of the reason that victims of domestic abuse say why they never leave is that the fear of leaving is greater than the fear of staying. For many that fear of the unknown is terrifying which explains why many stay in a bad marriages.


----------

