# PLEASE help save 20 year marriage



## teener (Dec 14, 2009)

Hello. I’ve been reading some posts over the past few days and already feel such a connection with you all. Some of your stories could be my own. I’ve never posted on a forum before, but really need a place to talk, vent, and hopefully get some advice.

My husband and I have been married almost 20 years and together for 22. We have two children, a nearly 11-year-old son and a nearly 6-year-old daughter. We met when we worked together as teenagers and became great friends which then progressed into more. During our 22 years together we’ve gone through some rough spots but always seemed to come out okay. We went through three years of infertility treatments before adopting our two children. Infertility then the adoption process were both very stressful but as I said, we came out okay.

Our big problem now is that we are very disconnected from each other. We built a house nearly 8 years ago and he wanted a home theatre room/audio listening room in the basement. While he had some knowledge in this area, he wanted to gain more and joined a forum on the topic. Well before I knew it he was joining more and more forums and spending practically all his time home on his computer conversing with the forum members. He would come home from work at 7:00, eat dinner and go straight down to his computer. I know there are worse things he could be doing on the computer (and he does that too occasionally), but it’s just the fact that we were spending NO time together as a family or as a couple that really has taken its toll. I’ve talked to him about this until I’m blue in the face. I’ve been telling him over and over again that I feel we’re drifting apart and we need to make time for each other. About once a year, we have a really big argument about it. When he’s pushed, he agrees with me, but has done nothing at all to show me he means it. 

What really hurts are the times we have had plans together and he will end up making plans with someone else and then doesn’t understand why I am mad about it. His excuse is always the same “I forgot”. We’ve always had a calendar hanging in our kitchen cabinet with EVERYTHING written on it, so I think this is a really lame excuse because all he has to do is look at the calendar. He did it to me again over the weekend and we had another huge argument about it. We had plans for next Saturday and he made plans to do something else. This was after he asked me if we had any plans and I said yes, on the 19th so that is the day he ended up with other plans. I’m starting to wonder if he did it on purpose, but of course I got the standard “I forgot”. He told me that I knew he had a bad memory when I married him. This is true, which is why we have the calendar. I told him that I don’t understand why he makes plans with someone else unless he’s absolutely positive WE don’t have plans together. He knows it’s going to hurt my feelings and make me mad and I would think he would try to prevent that from happening at all costs if he truly cared about me. He told me I was being a drama queen. He doesn’t think this is a big deal, but to me it is. It really makes me feel like he puts me last and doesn’t care about my feelings. I am NOT a clingy wife, I don’t have a problem with him having friends and going out to do his own thing, as I do the same. It just seems like he’s willing to go out with anyone else that asks, but doesn’t want to with me. He will give me the excuse that he works all day and just wants to be home in his house when he’s not working, but as I said, if someone else says let’s go do this or that, he will gladly go. It hurts me that he also doesn’t spend time with the kids.

I feel like he has totally checked out on me emotionally over the past several years. Because of that, we don’t have much of a physical relationship either. He says I’m to blame for that, and I will admit that after years of feeling ignored and neglected I feel uncomfortable being intimate with him because we feel like strangers. I never knew you could be so lonely when you’re with someone, but I feel so completely alone. I desperately want some affection from him and want to feel like I matter to him, but even when we do hug or kiss I just feel like we’re going through the motions and there isn’t any feeling behind it. 

He now belongs to a gaming forum as well, and they are planning a float trip next summer which happens to be the same weekend as our 20th anniversary. I don’t have to wonder too hard which thing he’s going to choose. I don’t want to force him to be with me, if he doesn’t choose to do it on his own, it’s not going to mean anything to me.

The projector in our home theatre room is slowly dying and he is getting another one that a friend who lives one state away wants to get rid of. I suggested that instead of his friend bringing it to us, we go there to get it and make a weekend of it, just the two of us. He agreed and I was so excited at the prospect of this, but then the next day he said he really didn’t want to wait three weeks until we could go together, because his friend could bring it this Sunday. So once again, my heart got trampled on. I opened myself up and as usual, came out feeling unimportant to him.

I also caught him on a porn site the other night. I’m not a prude, I know men enjoy “looking” and we’ve watched together and I enjoy that. But, it hurts when he won’t spend time with the real live woman he has upstairs and would rather watch other people. That also does not help my self confidence at all when I’m already feeling rejected.

He says he loves me and wants our marriage to work, but I really don’t see it in his actions. If we didn’t have two young kids, I think I would have already left, but I can not stand the thought of uprooting their lives. I just don’t know where to go from here and would love any suggestions or advice anyone can give. I’m wondering if you can recover when you feel this disconnected. PLEASE HELP!


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

Have you and/or your husband been through individual and couples therapy yet? If not, i would strongly suggest it, before giving up on your marriage.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hey maybe you guys just aren't reading each other right, buy the book the 5 love languages and figure out what you need to do to turn things around, when you see changes in him have him read it and pay attention to what you want......the book is written by Gary Chapman.....don't tell him and see how he responds to your new approach, I read the book a little to late, my husband had an affair but our situation seems and reads the same as ours, we have been married 22 years, together 27........maybe if I had read the book first we wouldn't be where we are now, in the middle of arranging a separation.......good luck, swallow your pride and be patient, takes time to change 20 years of the same old.........


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## Malibu17 (Nov 30, 2007)

I agree with jessi. It's better to try to turn the situation around, through counseling and/or books/videos then to wait until it's too late.

My wife and i were married 22 years (2 teen kids), together for 24 and separated for 19 months, before she finally filed for the divorce, which I was fine with...because we had been through counseling, but it was too late. Too much damage from things said and done, that destroyed our relationship.


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## teener (Dec 14, 2009)

Thanks for listening and responding. I have a copy of the book on the way.


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