# am I wrong for being upset?



## jenn123

My husband and I are very different when it comes to friendships. He likes to have a lot of friends and develops close bonds with some of them. He likes to go out with his friends on a regular basis too. I, on the other hand, prefer to have just a few close friends and I go out with them once in a while. He thinks that I need to make more friends and go out more but I am perfectly content with the way I live. Let me clarify by saying that I am ok with him going out with his friends as well. 
A problem has come up out of this situation for me and that is the time he comes home. He has become so close with this one group of friends and they go out on a weekly basis. A couple of weeks ago he didn't come home until 4am. I was very angry about it and we've been fighting ever since. All of our arguments stem from this one situation and it's because he doesn't see anything wrong with staying out that late. He is very adamant about how it's not a big deal and he's not doing anything that I need to worry about. He goes out with a group of guys and they drink and play pool. It's not what he's doing that has me upset though...it's the fact that he doesn't want to come home to me. I feel neglected when he stays out so late. I told him that I would like for him to be home by midnight...is that really too much to ask for? 
Let me give you his reasoning behind why it's ok for him to stay out all night. He works the night shift and he is used to staying up all night. He goes to work at 10pm and gets off work at 6am so he figures since he's normally not home during those hours that it's ok for him to be out all night with his friends on his days off. He says he doesn't get to see his friends all that much so that's why he wants to spend as much time as he can when they do go out. I feel like he puts his friends before me and that he would choose to go out with his friends over me. In fact, he has and it really hurts. We don't get to go out much together because he works nights and I work days and I just wish he would put me first. 
Anyway, mainly, I just want to know if I am being unreasonable for being upset about him staying out all night. Is it ok for a married person to go out with their friends and stay out all night long while their spouse is home?


----------



## Chris Taylor

Generally I'd say no, it isn't right for a married person to be out all night.

However having worked the graveyard shift myself, I totally understand that the sleep pattern doesn't change on the weekend. So if he stayed home, you'd crash around midnight and he'd be watching ShamWow commercials for the rest of the night.

Another thing is that with a limited circle of friends, you rely more on him for social interaction than he relies on you.

How about a compromise regarding the number of times he goes out plus on the nights he doesn't go out, you two are out doing things so he isn't bored?


----------



## unbelievable

Compromise time: You probably go to bed at a decent hour. He doesn't usually see you after 10:00pm anyway because that's when he goes to work. How about you and he have a regularly scheduled date one night a week? That's a cookie for both of you. He agrees to spend time with you and not go out with his friends until 9:30 or 10:00pm on whatever night his buddy night is. Cookie for you. He agrees to get home safely and quietly whenever he feels like it. That's a cookie for him. He doesn't leave you sitting around bored because you'll be asleep. He's getting to go out with his friends. On top of that, the agreement makes you both remember to date each other like goofy teenagers one night every week.


----------



## Susan2010

He's not your child for you to give him a curfew. I think his reasoning is acceptable and understandable, as Chris Taylor explained. But I don't find your reason acceptable because I don't understand how you feel neglected when you are asleep. I think you may want to categorize your issues. If you feel neglected and feel your husband does not want to spend time with you, that is an issue unto itself. However, how late he stays out while you sleep has nothing to do with it. As long as you group everything together and complain about it all, you are nagging and controlling. Despite the core of the issue being a legitimate concern, you end up negating all of it. You have to find a way to separate and organize things, and find a way to communicate how you feel without him feeling smothered and controlled. A date night as mentioned was a good idea. Also, you might ask him to wait later to go out so the two of you can have that time together. And just food for thought, it will not be right of you to ask him not to go out, or to wait til later to go out, or to come home earlier if you are not available or if the two of you are not going to be together. To make any such requests of him just so he is there in the house really is controlling.


----------



## Bluemoon7

I agree with Chris Taylor.

I'm thinking that the problem has more to do with you feeling neglected because you and your H don't spend enough time together. The issue with him staying out until 4 A.M. perhaps served as a catalyst, illustrating that your marriage isn't the priority? 

What exactly bothered you about the time? Were you asleep as others suggested? Would his early morning arrival home impact the amount of time you spend together? 

While you provided considerable detail about both of your ideas on friendships and the amount of time you spend with friends, you gave no information about the time you spend as a couple. 

Definitely do a date night and make sure to spend some time with each other every day.

FWIW, I wouldn't be okay with my H being out that late every weekend. But time together is limited and I can be a worry wort with quite the imagination.


----------



## jenn123

Thank you everyone for your input. 

We have been having a datenight set up for Tuesday nights for a while now. However, he decided suddenly that Tuesdays would be for his friends now. And since that is our only free night combined with the time he stayed out til...things really got rolling for me. 

You are all exactly right that the real issue is that I feel neglected and I don't feel like we spend enough time together. After expressing to him how I felt about being bumped for his friends on our datenight we compromised and decided to alternate weeks. We don't see much of each other so I really value the time that we do spend together. When he goes out with his friends he usually leaves the house around 7 or 8 so it does impact the time that we spend together. If he left later then yeah, it would be better, but I'm not going to ask him to do that and I'm certainly not going to ask him to stop going out, susan. I would never even think of doing that. I'm not trying to be controlling. I'm trying very hard to avoid controlling him, that's why I'm on here asking if I'm wrong. When I told him I would like him home around midnight I wasn't placing a curfew on him. It was said in an argument in response to him asking me what I want from him. 

While I am not happy to hear that I am being unreasonable for being upset at him staying out all night  I really do appreciate all of the advice. It's always good to hear unbiased opinions. All the tension between us recently has been about that night that he stayed out late so maybe if I just let it go and try to be ok with him being out all night then things will get better.


----------



## TNgirl232

I think maybe you should ask him to compromise...not to be controlling, but to clamp down on the resentfulness that is building up inside you. You resent him not spending enough time with you and more time with his friends.


----------



## Trenton

I wouldn't want my husband out till 4am partying and he wouldn't want me to do that either but that's just him and I. Either way, I think your feelings are justified and reasonable. Glad you came to a compromise together.


----------



## TwyztedChyck

My husband works from 3pm-3am. Any night he is off (one or two nights a week) is our 'catch-up' time. Our marriage comes first. Sometimes, maybe once a month he hangs out with friends but never at the expense of our together time. I'd personally be hurt and feel disrespected if he went out with friends when we need that quality time together so badly. I also wouldn't feel bad about telling him that I needed and wanted that time from him. If he fought me on it, that would be a huge red flag to me. Why on earth wouldn't he want to regroup and make up some of that lost time with his wife? What exactly is he getting from the friends that override what I, his wife, the one he took vows with couldn't give him? Be sociable at times when you can be sociable together as a couple. Just my two cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102

I work for the Railroad, and I'm on call 24/6-one day off. So I work a pretty F-ed up schedule-one day, I'll be working from 6 a.m., the next, I'll be working the graveyard shift, and so, spending time with the wife is not always possible. But I try to spend time with her during my downtimes, but she also knows that I also need some "me" time, just as I understand that she needs hers.
Probably the best thing to do is compromise, like the others are saying.
schedule some "us time" like a week in advance, and let him have "pal time" on the other nights.
No, I don't think you're wrong to be upset, but don't fall into the trap of nagging him.


----------



## pretzelsandbeer

I have to go with Susan on this one.

"I feel neglected when he stays out so late." - You forgot to factor his feelings into the equation.


"I told him that I would like for him to be home by midnight" - He's not a child. He can stay out late with his buddies when he wants.


----------



## themrs

I don't like my husband staying out until 4am either. He wouldn't appreciate it if I were out with my friends and came home at dawn either. I don't think it's an unreasonable request on your part. 

Further, I don't see how requesting something from your spouse is necessarily treating them like a child. If you ask them to spend more time with you, that's legit. 

I have been where you have been. It was a HUGE problem. It wasn't that my husband spent time with his friends or the time at which he came home, but the general feeling that he'd rather be with his friends than with me. What wife wants to feel that way? 

My husband doesn't stay out all hours anymore, but it wasn't because I changed him by nagging. I think he just grew up.


----------



## Bluemoon7

What about making plans for the two of you to do fun things together? Become tourists of your region. Go to museums, historical sites, winery's, hiking, bike riding, on a picnic, to an amusement park, take a class....whatever you enjoy. That way you can spend quality time together. If he'd still rather be with his friends, then I'd question his ideas about marriage. IMO, married people shouldn't spend more time with their friends than they spend with their spouse.


----------



## AliceA

I can understand why you are upset. I would be too.

The one thing that stands out to me is that your husband wants to spend time with his friends to maintain his friendships, because he very much likes his friends. Fair enough.

I don't think he realises that he also has to maintain his marriage. For the same reasons we spend time with friends, because we like them, and we want to continue having them as friends, we spend time with our spouses, because we LOVE them, and want to remain married. Neglecting his marriage will eventually lead to a loss of love within the marriage.

I've seen it suggested on a marriage site that couples should aim to spend at least 15hrs of quality time together per week. This wouldn't include time while sleeping, doing chores, watching tv etc, but time actually focused on eachother. This is hard for working couples I know, I struggle with that myself, BUT, at LEAST one night a week should be spent together. Friends come after that in my book.

It's the time he is with friends, that could've been spent with you doing something together is the time I would be upset about losing. I wouldn't be impressed with a husband that stayed out until 4am, however you are in a situation where your husband works nights, so I'd probably have to adjust my thinking if I was in that situation too. If that's his only time, and it's time I would spend sleeping anyway, well, I guess that has to be taken into account.


----------



## unbelievable

I don't stay out all hours and I'm pretty sure my bride wouldn't be ecstatic if I did. I work 3d shift and I can understand the need to maintain regular sleep patterns. I agree with Twyzted. The marriage should come first. It's sad that it's often the easiest thing to put on the back burner and take for granted. My wife and I work opposite shifts and have very little time we can spend together. I jealously guard that time. I get to see her between 5:00pm and 10:00pm daily. Her co-workers seem to think those are wonderful hours to call her or pop in for visits and it frankly gets my goat. Just the business of life will steal enough time from your relationship. There ought to be at least a few sacred hours a week spent on being married.


----------

