# How do you say it?



## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

I am at the point that I am seriously considering separating or divorce. My husband is a nice guy, we don't have any major issues like infidelity, lies, abuse, fights, etc. I suppose I could boil it all down to getting married young, I grew and changed and he didn't. If he asked me to marry him today, I wouldn't. We've talked about our issues but he hasn't made any effort to work on the problems. He has been overly clingy, telling me that he doesn't know what he'd do without met, he loves me... I need to talk to him about where I'm at soon. I feel guilty that I haven't already. 

For anyone who has been in a similar situation, any advice about how to handle this conversation? I do care about him. I don't want to hurt him, although I know that will be unavoidable. I just don't love him in the way a wife should love a husband. It is not fair to either of us. Thanks in advance.


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## Thisisatest (Jan 11, 2013)

I feel like I'm in a similar position, but I'm the husband. 

I almost feel greedy for wanting more, but I'm also fairly certain there's more out there. I agree that I should have talked with my wife even sooner and now it seems like a weird lost cause or something.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

My husband is going through the same thing that both of you are and it is heartbreaking. I know that it is hard on him too because I know that he does care about me. 

That being said, I am very pro marriage so if there is any chance of reconciling with your spouse than you should take it. 

If not and you are ready to move on, than my advice from being on the other end is, do it sooner rather than later so they can start the healing process. Also, be honest about your thoughts but be respectful with your delivery.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I am the left-behind spouse. My advice is to talk to your spouse immediately. You are already detaching from the relationship without telling your spouse and that is not fair to him. He will have a lot of catching up to do by the time you tell him. 

If there is no infidelity or abuse, I would encourage you to seek counseling and work on reviving your marriage, but only if it's a genuine effort on your part. Do not go to counseling just to alleviate your own guilt. My spouse did this and just half-assed it in therapy, with no real desire to actually restore the marriage. This just prolongs the pain.

Also, please do not heap all the blame on your spouse for the deterioration of your marriage. Take ownership of your contribution (it really does take two to make or break a marriage), and let him down easy with caring compassion.

I will also say this: the grass is greener where you water it. Love is a verb, not just a feeling you may or may not have. Love requires action. And the more you put into your marriage, the more you get out of it. Read "Divorce Busters" or "The Five Love Languages". You have the power to create the marriage you want, but it has to be genuine effort on your part. If you don't take a serious look at yourself, you will end up in this exact same place in your next marriage. 

I wish you the best of luck.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

ImaBasketcase said:


> I am the left-behind spouse. My advice is to talk to your spouse immediately. You are already detaching from the relationship without telling your spouse and that is not fair to him. He will have a lot of catching up to do by the time you tell him.
> 
> If there is no infidelity or abuse, I would encourage you to seek counseling and work on reviving your marriage, but only if it's a genuine effort on your part. Do not go to counseling just to alleviate your own guilt. My spouse did this and just half-assed it in therapy, with no real desire to actually restore the marriage. This just prolongs the pain.
> 
> ...



Well said!!


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

Wow, thanks for the honest replies!

Thisisatest- I can ditto the exact same thing you said (just swapping wife/husband). Not to sound trite but it does make me feel better to know that I'm not alone in feeling this way.

Hearing from those of you on the other side is helpful, too. I know I need to talk to him immediately. It is absolutely not fair to him. I suppose there is really no easy or gentle way to tell your spouse something like this. It's gonna hurt no matter how you put it.


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

How long have you been together/ married?

Any children involved?

What are your ages?

Most importantly, is there someone else? You don't typically marry on a whim, you married for a reason. IF you have a family started already and have put a lot of time into it, I say always try counseling first. 

ONe of the things "wrong" imo, that I see commonly made is the dragging it out before talking it out. People seem to always drag their emotions and marriages on the ground before even trying to talk to their spouse. 

Leaving a spouse like this, will only set you up for doing the same sh.t all over again. Maybe a year, maybe a few years, who knows, but if you don't learn to communicate, you'll be right back here with your next R. 


Too many people are running instead of trying to fix things broken, and the bad thing is, it's getting worse. Society is tearing marriages apart with this whole "flight instead of fight" bandwagon.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

cas said:


> I suppose there is really no easy or gentle way to tell your spouse something like this. It's gonna hurt no matter how you put it.


This is true. There is no getting around the fact that he will hurt, no matter how gentle you are. Don't let that fear stop you from having the conversation -- he deserves honesty about how you are feeling.



cas said:


> We've talked about our issues but he hasn't made any effort to work on the problems.


Question: if he _did_ put effort into fixing your marital problems, would you then be open to restoring your marriage? I think this is something you need to think hard about before you have this conversation with him. Are you really and truly _done_ with your marriage? Or are you just needing to see real changes in your marriage?

Sometimes the "D" conversation can be a real wake-up call. It can jump-start your spouse into making necessary changes once he realizes he is about to lose you. Unfortunately, the "D" conversation often comes too late and the "leaving" spouse is already ready to move on no matter what changes and effort the left-behind spouse is willing to make.


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

Married 8 years, together 5 before that. We moved in together when I left home at 18 to go to college. I will turn 32 in a few weeks, he's 31. There is no one else. No children. Neither one of us wants them.

As for why we got married... honestly... it was just the next step. We had been living together for five years. I'd graduated college, he was working on his degree (he'd dropped out of high school and spent some time working before getting his GED and going to college). We never really talked about if we should get married, just when. 

I have mentioned counseling in the past, when we were going through a period of fighting quite a bit and he said no, that if I thought we needed counseling then we should just divorce. That was the past and he could certainly change his mind about it now.

Good point about dragging it out. I'm usually good at communicating, but I think the depth of what I'm feeling now has me scared.




Dewayne76 said:


> How long have you been together/ married?
> 
> Any children involved?
> 
> ...


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

Ohhhh, that's a damn good question. Some things would be easy to change- taking better care of himself physically, the way he will try to get me to have sex by pouting/baby talk. I have talked to him about this stuff, more than once. He has not made an effort. Although I do see your point that if he knew I was thinking of leaving he might step up.

The other issue, the biggest issue, is one that I am not sure he could change. I feel like we've grown apart and there's not much there between us anymore. As I said in my post above, we got together young. I have grown, changed, evolved and he really hasn't. I want to keep growing, he's pretty darn content with life the way it is. When I talk about things I want out of life, he has no interest and automatically shuts down any idea I have. I feel like he doesn't/can't engage me mentally on a level I need. I am going through a yoga teacher training program and it brings up interesting philosophical questions and ideas. I try to talk about it with him and he just acts like it's all bull****. He doesn't even try to engage. 

Over the last few months, I find myself not wanting to be around him. Not wanting to come home. I don't want him to hug me, or kiss me and our sex life is strained (once a month, which I know is awful and it's because I don't want it- with him.)

So, I really don't know how to answer that. Could he change that much? Is it right for me to say, not only do I want you to make these surface-level changes, I want you to make deep, substantial changes to who you are?






ImaBasketcase said:


> This is true. There is no getting around the fact that he will hurt, no matter how gentle you are. Don't let that fear stop you from having the conversation -- he deserves honesty about how you are feeling.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

From what you've written, it sounds to me like you are done. With no kids involved, it makes this situation a lot easier.

Another question to ask yourself is: what type of relationship do you envision with him after your divorce? Do you want to remain friends? Would it bother you if you never saw him again? If you can't bear the thought of never seeing him again and you have a strong desire to be friends, there might be something there worth exploring. 

I still think you should ask yourself what you did to contribute to the break-down of the marriage. I've read a lot about him and his flaws, but for you I've only read that you grew-up and evolved without him. There is probably more to it than that and it needs to be explored. Otherwise you will find yourself growing apart from your next relationship a few years in. 

I believe people are brought into our lives for a reason - to teach us something. Have you learned everything you need to learn from this relationship?


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

Yes, I need to do some self-reflection and exploring my own contribution to what's happening. I'm working on that.

I would certainly like to remain friends. It's hard to imagine him not being in my life in some ways... hard to imagine, but not impossible. Which is telling. 

This sucks.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

How are you feeling today, cas?

You mentioned that you two lived together for several years and got married because it was just the next step. Have you ever felt butterflies for him? Can you remember a time when you had that giddy new-love feeling for him?

I'm wondering if you have just been complacent with him since even before you got married.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I believe I was in the same situation as you, as the husband in a relationship where the wife got increasingly sick of the situation without really confronting me on it. first of all, you are probably going to get divorced.. . but here's some tips i'll give you that went wrong in my about to be completed divorce

1) don't give into either emotional or physical affairs. Yes, you may feel the need for 'love' that is missing in your marriage, but you'll have plenty of time to find the right new person AFTER this relationship is formally over. It will just cloud your judgement if you are focusing some of your energies on someone else.

2) tell him NOW while there's a chance, albeit small one, for reconciliation. A lot of men, myself included, HATE counseling and therapists. As you mentioned, if you tell him now the truth you are on the brink of divorce, he might grudgingly go to counseling. And if it is 'grudgingly' don't hold it against him -- remember, from his point of view going is a big deal. Counseling can help, hurt, or do neither. If it helps, great. If its the other two then at least you got an expert third opinion before you make your final decision

3) read up some good books like the Five Love Languages and Divorce Busting .. 

4) don't necessarily set a timetable, but again, be very clear to your husband that this is the last chance. it will lead to some awkward times for sure, but at least he'll know the seriousness of the situation, and then if he still reacts the same way, then it'll confirm this is not the right man for you.

Good luck.


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Devotion shares great wisdom right there ^^^


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

Welp, we talked last night. He said he was worried about us because it seemed like we had nothing in common and didn't get along anymore. I told him I agreed and we needed to talk. I was honest, he was hurt, it was hard. But, I feel so much relief knowing that it's out there now. 

He doesn't want to give up on us yet. Even though at one point he admitted that maybe he wasn't the man that I needed to be married to. He asked me if I would give him a chance. I said that I felt like I should and I would, but didn't know how that would work or how to handle it. He hugged me and I felt nothing. 

I'm not sure how to handle things now. I don't want to send mixed signals or give him false hope, but I do feel that I should give things one last chance to be sure.

Imabasketcase- Looking back, it's hard to say. We got together when we were seventeen, was what I felt then love or just being a giddy teenager. The day I got married, no, no butterflies. He's a good person with good qualities... thats what makes it so hard. Saying to someone, there's nothing wrong with you, I care about you and love you, I just don't love you like that. 

Devotion- Thank you for that advice, as caladan said it is wise. I've not let myself get there in regard to any type of affair. I have already hurt my husband enough, I won't add that to it. I couldn't handle it. And, if/when we part, I probably need to let things settle and be on my own for a bit before jumping into anything new. 

Now that we've had the initial discussion, it is awkward. I don't have any timetable, but he does know this is it. I suppose I can only take it a day at a time, be open to seeing if he makes an effort and if/how that changes the way I feel, and be honest with him throughout it all. I will check out the books.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

I'm glad you had the talk, cas. It's important to get your honest feelings out there, even if it was hard. You took an important first step.



> I suppose I can only take it a day at a time, be open to seeing if he makes an effort and if/how that changes the way I feel, and be honest with him throughout it all.


And what are you going to do to make an effort? It's not just up to him. My husband took the "wait and see" approach without putting in any effort for reconciliation. With this approach, it was almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy. If only one spouse puts in the effort, the marriage will definitely fail. It takes two. 

A quote that comes to mind is "action precedes feeling." Love and attachment aren't just things you feel. You DO, and what results is how you FEEL. 

Take him out on a date. List one thing you love about him every day for 30 days. Try something new in the bedroom. You probably don't feel like doing any of these things right now, it will feel awkward and unnatural. But just try it and see how you feel in a month. 

I hope this works out the best for the both of you, no matter the outcome. And congrats on taking the first step.


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## cas (Jan 8, 2013)

You're right, I don't feel like doing any of those things right now... but I am willing to try.


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## behappy123 (Jan 5, 2013)

Imabasketcase has a great point. Even if you are not feeling like doing those things it imperative that you at least try some of them because if both of you are not putting in the effort than the marriage will fail.


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## ImaBasketcase (Oct 9, 2012)

cas said:


> You're right, I don't feel like doing any of those things right now... but I am willing to try.


I have to give you credit: you seem a lot more open than a lot of spouses who want to leave. 

Remember that everything takes time, whether you divorce or reconcile. It took you a long time to get to this point in your marriage; it will take a long time to repair or dissolve the marriage, too.

Keep us posted on what happens or how you are feeling.


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