# The Silent Treatment?



## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

I would like some people's perspective on the silent treatment. Google says that this is "abusive behavior". 

Right now I am struggling with my adult son who came to live with me after his father and I split. He has always had a job, full time or close to it, which he attends faithfully, and he picks up his brother after school. Sometimes he feeds him dinner. Sometimes not. We share a vehicle. He dies not drink or do drugs. He does not have a girlfriend. He is a gamer. He does not help with bills. He will help with chores if asked only. He is not my husband, obviously, so I try not to saddle him with "the man of the house" responsibilities but the fact is he is an adult with income which has an effect on his brother and I. He exhibits some of his father's tendencies. Clearly

Anyway, I tried to discuss his contribution to the household in a calm measured manner. To say I met resistance is an understatement. It soon got to the point where I was very angry with him. Not just over his contribution to the family but also how it will effect his relatioships in the future. I worry for him. That maybe he will be like his Dad.

I picked him up at work but was still angry with him. He picked up on my bad mood. I said I was not ready to talk. Be accused me of the silent treatment 

Is it reall the silent treatment when you knkw from personal experience what the outcome will be if you express even a mild criticism?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I may be slightly prejudiced here, due to my life experience, but no, I do not classify not speaking to someone as “abusive.”


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I may be slightly prejudiced here, due to my life experience, but no, I do not classify not speaking to someone as “abusive.”


I feel the same. Especially when I know the outcome of any calm attempt at discussion. But maybe I am neurotic?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I feel the same. Especially when I know the outcome of any calm attempt at discussion. But maybe I am neurotic?


I have a teenaged son. I have never seen fear like I saw when I said, “I am too angry to talk to you right now. I need to calm down first so I can be reasonable.” Yeah. Fear the mama bear.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Deleted


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

How old is he?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

I’m taking a more middle ground approach to this.
I agree with @Cooper that the silent treatment when used as punishment or to show anger is passive aggressive and shouldn’t be the way we treat people.

However, there is a time and place for it. For example, immediately after an argument I really need time to think and process and figure out my way forward. The silent treatment at that point is not punitive, it’s just a reality of needing to process and handle emotions like an adult.

So, to answer your question…. “Maybe”

Staying silent so until you cool off and can have a rationale conversation is adult.
Doing it as punishment or long past the cooling off period is childish.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I would say it is reasonable to charge him rent and 1/3 of the food bill.

If you enable him he'll probably keep gaming and living there rent free forever.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Hi @Erudite,

Bear in mind that we don't know several of the pertinent facts, like is he 19yo and just graduated...or 35yo and been living in your basement all this time? We also don't know if you went to pick him up and were "huffing and puffing" at him in anger, or if you just were quiet and he jumped to conclusions. We can't tell--we are strangers on the internet.

But in my lifetime I've raised six teenagers (I've had 9 all-together, but 3 were already in college or moved out so I didn't really raise them). Anyway, here's my advice to you:

Your son IS NOT your husband.

Let me say that again: *your son IS NOT your husband!* Stop attributing things to your son...your husband did. Stop attributing your husband's thoughts and "reasons" to your son. Your son is your son. Yeah, he did watch his father mistreat you and learn that treating someone that way is okay--so he'll have to relearn what a healthy relationship is like. But your son is not his father. Your son is his own person...and he's partly YOU too!

I've observed that you tend to be fairly emotion-driven. Now what I mean is that when something occurs, you tend to view it through the filter of your emotions. Let's think about your son for a moment.

I'll assume he's not 35yo, and from what you've described he's kept his act together and been a pretty good kid. Still, as a person in this household, he is not the primary adult of the house. This is YOUR household, not his. He is an adult and at the age of 18yo, it is within the realm of reality for you to essentially kick him out and for him to fend for himself.

Do you remember when you first left your parents' home? I sure do! I went from having a full time job, keeping all the take home money, and paying for my gas, clothes and "sundries"...to paying my own rent, my own food, my own bills, and having 10 cents to my name at the end of each month! I was POOR! But I had a professional job and my own place, so I wasn't really--it just FELT that way because I was used to someone else "doing" for me...giving me a place to sleep, furniture, food, etc.

Your son may not be at the point to be ready to fly the nest yet. He may be a little slower because the economy is ridiculous and he just is getting back on his feet after his family broke up. But he is NOT a primary adult. So it would be unrealistic to expect him to "pick up the slack"--and I think you know that. It WOULD be realistic for you to set up boundaries and a timeframe for him to begin to learn the things necessary to be mentally and emotionally ready to fly the nest! It would be realistic to contribute some rent and some bills or food...but if he contributes rent, he also gains some voice or "say so" in how the house is run. 

So talk to him like he is HIMSELF and not "your exH's boy." Talk to him like he also has some traits that you have and is at least half you too! Tell him that you don't want him to do things to replace his dad or "take care of you" but rather, you are trying to teach him to be able to be self-sufficient and have his own place...that this is YOUR home but he's and adult now and needs to learn to have his own home (even if that's a studio apartment). He could be a roommate with some of his gamer buddies (my oldest son did that), but he would still need to know how to pick up his dirty socks, load and unload a dishwasher, and cook the occasional meal! LOL

As for you still being angry with him--I assume it was hours later. Really? REALLY? You're still mad at a kid hours later? And you don't talk to him? That sounds dangerously close to silent treatment to me. I'd say just go talk to him about it, and say something like: "You know, I thought about what you said about silent treatment. I haven't reached a conclusion yet, but if that's how it made you feel, that makes me sad. I wouldn't want you to feel that from me. I want you to feel loved and accepted by me. So I am considering what you said. Thank you."

That's it. Just let him know you don't want to be the kind of person who would give someone else "the silent treatment". You could even share how you're not perfect either and just felt so mad you couldn't shake it. See...not only do kids need to learn "how to load a dishwasher" but they also need to learn how to admit they are wrong and learn from it to do better. Demonstrate that to him.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

He will be 21 this summer. And he is a a good kid. I am not meaning to suggest he is a problem child. No law trouble. Here is the thing I am not rich. I pay for ALL his bills. Car payment. Ins. Rent. Phone. Internet. I don't charge him. He just started a new job. He makes nearly as much as I do. So if I fall short I don't think asking him to pitch in to cover the difference should cause him to act as though I am asking too much.

I am aware he is not my husband.which is why I don't ask for anything from him. But financially on my own I can get state help, for instance. But because he is an adult in my home we make too much. Same for housing. We share 1 vehicle. He hit a lit hole and damaged the tire rim. He did not even offer to help replace it. I love both my boys but he is an adult and I have a young son to think about as well. And no help from their dad, remember

I agree with emotion driven responses. It can take me a day to cool down but if I say, I can't talk to you right now. I don't feel like that's the silent treatment. I try to be a good role model because I DON'T want to treat him like his Dad.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Erudite said:


> He will be 21 this summer. And he is a a good kid. I am not meaning to suggest he is a problem child. No law trouble. Here is the thing I am not rich. I pay for ALL his bills. Car payment. Ins. Rent. Phone. Internet. I don't charge him. He just started a new job. He makes nearly as much as I do. So if I fall short I don't think asking him to pitch in to cover the difference should cause him to act as though I am asking too much.
> 
> I am aware he is not my husband.which is why I don't ask for anything from him. But financially on my own I can get state help, for instance. But because he is an adult in my home we make too much. Same for housing. We share 1 vehicle. He hit a lit hole and damaged the tire rim. He did not even offer to help replace it. I love both my boys but he is an adult and I have a young son to think about as well. And no help from their dad, remember
> 
> I agree with emotion driven responses. It can take me a day to cool down but if I say, I can't talk to you right now. I don't feel like that's the silent treatment. I try to be a good role model because I DON'T want to treat him like his Dad.


A working 19 year old should be able to pay some of his own bills. It is not too much to expect him to chip in.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Turning 21 soon? He needs to be helping financially.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

So this thread really has nothing to do with silent treatment does it.
Theres another thread here about men not understanding women, I guess I need to read more.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So this thread really has nothing to do with silent treatment does it.
> Theres another thread here about men not understanding women, I guess I need to read more.


To be fair, I did really want to talk about the silent treatment. I was asked for details and I provided. I really don't know where the line is with the silent treatment especially when I feel justifiably angry. What's the necessary cool off period in a case like this? I really don't want to treat him like his Dad.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Erudite said:


> I picked him up at work but was still angry with him. He picked up on my bad mood. I said I was not ready to talk. Be accused me of the silent treatment


If he was wanting to talk and was willing to be mature and open to discuss it, you should have talked to him about it. 

Now to be fair to you, you would have been justified in saying that the reason you were hesitant to talk to him is because of his past behavior when trying to have a valid discussion and if he wants to talk, he is going to have to keep his anger and defensiveness at bay and have an open discussion.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Erudite said:


> To be fair, I did really want to talk about the silent treatment. I was asked for details and I provided. I really don't know where the line is with the silent treatment especially when I feel justifiably angry. What's the necessary cool off period in a case like this? I really don't want to treat him like his Dad.


_Whew_ thanks for the clarification I thought I was really out of touch there.

The ‘cool off’ period for me is when I think and can verbalize through the next steps or next action or next point in the conversation, whatever comes next.

Honest communication is imperative for those we love, even when they don’t show that love back. Kids are especially hard because they don’t really have to care, and you still have to let them live.

So the cooling period is just to gather thoughts and understand what is next, and also to calm the peaks of anger. It’s not to remove emotions, that could take weeks!

That’s the way I think of it.
Ask yourself “How do I want my wife or children to address me when they are mad?” Use that as a guide.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> If he was wanting to talk and was willing to be mature and open to discuss it, you should have talked to him about it.
> 
> Now to be fair to you, you would have been justified in saying that the reason you were hesitant to talk to him is because of his past behavior when trying to have a valid discussion and if he wants to talk, he is going to have to keep his anger and defensiveness at bay and have an open discussion.


Well here is the thing. I have high anxiety for obvious reasons. I rush to reaction alot. Sometimes I don't recognize a chance to practice moderation..I know this about myself. I assumed bad intent when he asked me why I was mad at him. But I also expected him to respect my wishes when I said I didn't want to talk. It's like there are these hidden boundaries I don't even know I have until someone crosses them. Blurgh.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Now to be fair to you, you would have been justified in saying that the reason you were hesitant to talk to him is because of his past behavior when trying to have a valid discussion and if he wants to talk, he is going to have to keep his anger and defensiveness at bay and have an open discussion.


This is probably a realistic approach to dealing with conflict but I will disagree with it being a litmus test for when to have conversations.

Especially as a parent, be the model of correct behavior and don’t justify anything less.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Having said this about the silent treatment, there is a realistic expectation, even with older kids, of some level of mutual respect. If you don’t have that, then trying to force communication is pointless and a separation needs to occur for your own sanity (and theirs).


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> _Whew_ thanks for the clarification I thought I was really out of touch there.
> 
> The ‘cool off’ period for me is when I think and can verbalize through the next steps or next action or next point in the conversation, whatever comes next.
> 
> ...


Right now we are in a position where my boy needs to grow up quick and I can't coddle him anymore. We have to be a team. Not a marriage team. But decisions have to be made. My new land lord is selling the building. Which means a new landlord who will at best raise the rent at worst kick us out to renovate. I literally found out 2 days ago and there is an open house tomorrow. So just when I cool off another stressor comes down and reignites my temper. I try to explain the seriousness of our situation to him and he makes vague promises to help me out but never follows through. Repeated attempts at civilised conversation end the same. I really don't have time to cool down and repeat myself neutrally over and over. I take anxiety medication but honestly live in a perpetual state of panic. I would love to follow oldshirts advice but sometimes I am not even aware of golden opportunities when I have them.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Erudite said:


> Right now we are in a position where my boy needs to grow up quick and I can't coddle him anymore. We have to be a team. Not a marriage team. But decisions have to be made. My new land lord is selling the building. Which means a new landlord who will at best raise the rent at worst kick us out to renovate. I literally found out 2 days ago and there is an open house tomorrow. So just when I cool off another stressor comes down and reignites my temper. I try to explain the seriousness of our situation to him and he makes vague promises to help me out but never follows through. Repeated attempts at civilised conversation end the same. I really don't have time to cool down and repeat myself neutrally over and over. I take anxiety medication but honestly live in a perpetual state of panic. I would love to follow oldshirts advice but sometimes I am not even aware of golden opportunities when I have them.


So handle the immediate problem first. Get the house ready and ignore your child. He won’t help you anyway and its driving you nuts trying to make him.

After the immediate issue is handled, calmly lay down the law. Let your directions to him have real consequences. Kick him out if needed. He’s an adult and should be figuring things out on his own.

I go to church with a lady with 2 sons that have gone bad. The sons aren’t allowed to come to her house for more than a visit. Otherwise they will take and take and take nonstop until it crushes this lady. It‘s a horrible place to be, but what choice is there? Set rules and make him abide or face consequences. You owe it to yourself, and really to him also.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Erudite said:


> I try to explain the seriousness of our situation to him and he makes vague promises to help me out but never follows through.


Have you considered telling him he will have to pitch in financially or find his own place (probably with roommates) by a specific date? 

I'm not sure why he is becoming so angry when you ask that he pitch in by paying a certain amount. Well, if he's going to go ballistic at that request, then it may be best for all concerned if you give him an ultimatum.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

But isn't ignoring him the silent treatment? Ugh!


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## anachronistic12345 (11 mo ago)

Erudite said:


> But isn't ignoring him the silent treatment? Ugh!


I can tell you from someone with a dysfunctional family tree, that the silent treatment is a very bad sign. I would watch him very carefully to not end up in destructive paths. I don't believe it will have any fundamental impact on your relationship, though. So don't worry about that.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Erudite said:


> But isn't ignoring him the silent treatment? Ugh!


Only ignore him to get past the immediate problem. And besides, you can talk to him, it’s not a silent treatment. I only mean stop trying to get him involved. You’re under a deadline and don’t need additional frustrations. Just do the work without him, then work on the real issue.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> Have you considered telling him he will have to pitch in financially or find his own place (probably with roommates) by a specific date?
> 
> I'm not sure why he is becoming so angry when you ask that he pitch in by paying a certain amount. Well, if he's going to go ballistic at that request, then it may be best for all concerned if you give him an ultimatum.


He knows I need him. I rely on him to keep an eye on his brother after school. And he doesn't get angry. He gets..I don't know the term. Insulted? He acts insulted or inconvenienced or critisizes my choices. "You didn't have to buy a car, Mom, so why you complaining..." Like I dug us this hole by leaving his Dad and he doesn't feel like he should help get us out. I have been proud of myself for leaving his Dad and making it on my own. Never missed rent. All bills paid on time. And for stuff like that to be said...i don't know. Anger. Disappointment. I just don't want to talk to him. Hours. Days. Not enough to make me want to engage.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> So handle the immediate problem first. Get the house ready and ignore your child. He won’t help you anyway and its driving you nuts trying to make him.
> 
> After the immediate issue is handled, calmly lay down the law. Let your directions to him have real consequences. Kick him out if needed. He’s an adult and should be figuring things out on his own.
> 
> I go to church with a lady with 2 sons that have gone bad. The sons aren’t allowed to come to her house for more than a visit. Otherwise they will take and take and take nonstop until it crushes this lady. It‘s a horrible place to be, but what choice is there? Set rules and make him abide or face consequences. You owe it to yourself, and really to him also.


I just love him so much, you know? I do not want to repeat mistakes I made with his father.


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## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

I'm just going to address the silent treatment part of this. There's a huge difference between the silent treatment and telling someone "I'm too angry to talk to you right now and need a break".

If you're angry and need a cooling off period and you verbalize that, that is not abusive. That is totally understandable.

If you refuse to speak to someone and pretend like they do not exist for extended amounts of time without explanation or past the point of being reasonably angry, that is the silent treatment and that is abusive. My mom did this to me and other family members when I was growing up. Being a small child and wondering why your mother won't look at you or acknowledge you or speak to you and wondering why and wondering how long it will last--yeah, I consider that abusive. But telling someone "I'm angry and I'll speak with you later when I've cooled off"--that's a mature way to handle things.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

How about you show him all the bills you have to pay and help him to understand that you need all earning adults in the home to contribute. Then set an amount, say 1/3rd of take home pay. 
How old is your other son?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I just love him so much, you know? I do not want to repeat mistakes I made with his father.


Yea, I do know. I had to have ‘tough love’ with my 20yo daughter.

You’re in a tough spot because he’s already disrespecting you as his mother.
Sadly, reversing that won’t be pleasant for either of you.

Through good communication and genuine expressions of love, my daughter and I are better than ever.
It can work out.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Chaotic said:


> I'm just going to address the silent treatment part of this. There's a huge difference between the silent treatment and telling someone "I'm too angry to talk to you right now and need a break".
> 
> If you're angry and need a cooling off period and you verbalize that, that is not abusive. That is totally understandable.
> 
> If you refuse to speak to someone and pretend like they do not exist for extended amounts of time without explanation or past the point of being reasonably angry, that is the silent treatment and that is abusive. My mom did this to me and other family members when I was growing up. Being a small child and wondering why your mother won't look at you or acknowledge you or speak to you and wondering why and wondering how long it will last--yeah, I consider that abusive. But telling someone "I'm angry and I'll speak with you later when I've cooled off"--that's a mature way to handle things.


I never seem to enter the cooled off phase. I did say that to him. He kept needling me. Said I couldn't give him the silent treatment and pushed me until I WENT OFF. It was not appropriate behavior on my part. Not my finest moment. But I wasn't ready to engage with him. I wasn't prepared mentally for a conversation and he would not let it go. And then I was mad at him for that. It just spiralled out of control.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Yea, I do know. I had to have ‘tough love’ with my 20yo daughter.
> 
> You’re in a tough spot because he’s already disrespecting you as his mother.
> Sadly, reversing that won’t be pleasant for either of you.
> ...


I think so. He does have some of my traits good and bad. Not just Dad. Dammit why don't kids have instruction manuals?


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> How about you show him all the bills you have to pay and help him to understand that you need all earning adults in the home to contribute. Then set an amount, say 1/3rd of take home pay.
> How old is your other son?


Actually, that is not a bad idea. Maybe a visual look at our budget and housing research might sober him up.

Other son is 10 going on 30. Sigh.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I think so. He does have some of my traits good and bad. Not just Dad. Dammit why don't kids have instruction manuals?


Ha! Amen to that! And while were wishing for guidebooks, how about one for marriages? It would be awesome if TAM had no customers.

Well, the Christian heart in me says that ”yes there is an instruction manual for these things”. But also the realist in me knows that life is hard and kids aren’t always the prodigal son.

I wish you luck Erudite.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I have 2 sons....18 and 21. I get the feeling that you are dealing with your son out of guilt and allowing him to run his mouth about things he knows nothing about. If I informed either one of my sons that they have to cover x or y I can guarantee I wouldn't get any attitude.

They are going to school and I can afford to help them out but I've told them that at a certain point they will be paying for things and they've both nodded in agreement. They also help me with things around the house. My older son on occasion will run his mouth about how I deal with his brother and I inform him that it's none of his damn business and he doesn't know what he's talking about. That shuts him up.

You need to lay down some boundaries with this kid. Next time he makes a snotty comment about you not needing a car shut that **** down and inform him that it's none if his damn business and here's what living with you will cost him. Stop treating him like he's doing you a big fat favor to live with you for free.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> I have 2 sons....18 and 21. I get the feeling that you are dealing with your son out of guilt and allowing him to run his mouth about things he knows nothing about. If I informed either one of my sons that they have to cover x or y I can guarantee I wouldn't get any attitude.
> 
> They are going to school and I can afford to help them out but I've told them that at a certain point they will be paying for things and they've both nodded in agreement. They also help me with things around the house. My older son on occasion will run his mouth about how I deal with his brother and I inform him that it's none of his damn business and he doesn't know what he's talking about. That shuts him up.
> 
> You need to lay down some boundaries with this kid. Next time he makes a snotty comment about you not needing a car shut that **** down and inform him that it's none if his damn business and here's what living with you will cost him. Stop treating him like he's doing you a big fat favor to live with you for free.


Habits I picked up from his father unfortunately. So anyone reading this thread thinking this thread isn't about marriage and the effects of a bad marriage on kids.. well here you go.

Much like his Dad he makes vague promises to help. When I get a better job. When I get a car. I promise I will help you. He is oblivious to my stress level or common courtesies to leave a light on when I work late. I took it from his Dad and these are hard hard hard habits to unlearn. Sometimes I tell him to go to the laundromat. Get milk. Put gas in the car. And don't offer to pay. I usually get a comment like "Guess I am paying?" Yes. Yes you are. But that's the extent of my getting things out of him. But then I listen to him gaming with his friends where he tells them he dropped $150 on a new game. Meanwhile I have a perfect track reckrd of paying all my bills on time but nothing extra left over for me or his brother. My blood boils.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’ve allowed yourself to be put in this position. Children, left to their own devices, can be very selfish. It’s up to you to fix that — not only for your situation but also for whoever he ends up in a relationship with.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Openminded said:


> You’ve allowed yourself to be put in this position. Children, left to their own devices, can be very selfish. It’s up to you to fix that — not only for your situation but also for whoever he ends up in a relationship with.


 Oh. Don't I know it! I agree with all of this. Hence the silent treatment thing. And hence why I am still healing from his Dad.

Thankfully he does at least have some work ethic. (One good thing. Point me!) Never calls out sick. Doesn't complain about picking up his brother everyday. So there is something to work with. Not a complete motherly failure! 🤪


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Erudite said:


> Oh. Don't I know it! I agree with all of this. Hence the silent treatment thing. And hence why I am still healing from his Dad.
> 
> Thankfully he does at least have some work ethic. (One good thing. Point me!) Never calls out sick. Doesn't complain about picking up his brother everyday. So there is something to work with. Not a complete motherly failure! 🤪


Not a complete motherly failure at all — he’s a work in progress. He just needs a little more help.😉


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I would like some people's perspective on the silent treatment. Google says that this is "abusive behavior".
> 
> Right now I am struggling with my adult son who came to live with me after his father and I split. He has always had a job, full time or close to it, which he attends faithfully, and he picks up his brother after school. Sometimes he feeds him dinner. Sometimes not. We share a vehicle. He dies not drink or do drugs. He does not have a girlfriend. He is a gamer. He does not help with bills. He will help with chores if asked only. He is not my husband, obviously, so I try not to saddle him with "the man of the house" responsibilities but the fact is he is an adult with income which has an effect on his brother and I. He exhibits some of his father's tendencies. Clearly
> 
> ...


If he's not prepared to discuss an equitable division of household chores, than he better either ante up full rent/board or he'd have to find his own place. 
He gets his socialization off his gaming, so he doesn't sense the need to talk to you, so you would be waiting quite a while before he'd say a word to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Erudite said:


> _*He will be 21 this summer. And he is a a good kid. I am not meaning to suggest he is a problem child. No law trouble. Here is the thing I am not rich. I pay for ALL his bills. Car payment. Ins. Rent. Phone. Internet. I don't charge him. He just started a new job. He makes nearly as much as I do. So if I fall short I don't think asking him to pitch in to cover the difference should cause him to act as though I am asking too much.*_
> 
> *I am aware he is not my husband.which is why I don't ask for anything from him. But financially on my own I can get state help, for instance. But because he is an adult in my home we make too much. Same for housing. We share 1 vehicle. He hit a lit hole and damaged the tire rim. He did not even offer to help replace it. I love both my boys but he is an adult and I have a young son to think about as well. And no help from their dad, remember.*


So...you CREATED this monster. Who the hell pays their kids' car payment? If they can't afford a car then they DON'T buy one.

I'm guessing you've been over-compensating because of the divorce, and now you've created a self-entitled little monster who thinks his mommy needs to do everything for him but chew his food.

It's time to find your spine or this kid will STILL be taking advantage of you when he's 40. I've seen SO many friends and coworkers dealing with their self-entitled, *ungrateful*, nasty adult children who were *WAY* too old to be still demanding handouts from their mommies (one of the oldest was 38 years old!!) Sadly, these foolish women are STILL giving them handouts. And sadly OP, your kid is as UNGRATEFUL as it gets.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Erudite said:


> I never seem to enter the cooled off phase. I did say that to him. He kept needling me. Said I couldn't give him the silent treatment and pushed me until I WENT OFF. It was not appropriate behavior on my part. Not my finest moment. But I wasn't ready to engage with him. I wasn't prepared mentally for a conversation and he would not let it go. And then I was mad at him for that. It just spiralled out of control.


Did you say that you were still unwilling to talk to him when you picked him up from school....so HOURS later?

Because I would see that as you giving him the silent treatment with no clear idea of how long you will act like that. If that's the case, NO I don't believe you are being fair or mature.

You might want to stay quiet as a boundary with him (and anyone you are angry with), but you need to recognize when you are violating the boundaries that other people have too, and then expect that they are going to react badly to you as well.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So...you CREATED this monster. Who the hell pays their kids' car payment? If they can't afford a car then they DON'T buy one.
> 
> I'm guessing you've been over-compensating because of the divorce, and now you've created a self-entitled little monster who thinks his mommy needs to do everything for him but chew his food.
> 
> It's time to find your spine or this kid will STILL be taking advantage of you when he's 40. I've seen SO many friends and coworkers dealing with their self-entitled, *ungrateful*, nasty adult children who were *WAY* too old to be still demanding handouts from their mommies (one of the oldest was 38 years old!!) Sadly, these foolish women are STILL giving them handouts. And sadly OP, your kid is as UNGRATEFUL as it gets.


Sorry I was typing fast earlier. We SHARE a vehicle. It's in my name but he has free use of it. It is the only vehicle we have. He is on my family phone plan.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

LisaDiane said:


> Did you say that you were still unwilling to talk to him when you picked him up from school....so HOURS later?
> 
> Because I would see that as you giving him the silent treatment with no clear idea of how long you will act like that. If that's the case, NO I don't believe you are being fair or mature.
> 
> You might want to stay quiet as a boundary with him (and anyone you are angry with), but you need to recognize when you are violating the boundaries that other people have too, and then expect that they are going to react badly to you as well.


Not school. Work. He is 20. He does not go to college or trade school. And yes. It takes me a long time to process. I am on high anxiety meds and I did say I wasn't ready to talk yet. I am not proud of my behaviour but I don't feel it rises to the level of abusiveness. Fwiw, I apologized for my behavior. Did not recieve the same courtesy for his behavior.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> I would like some people's perspective on the silent treatment. Google says that this is "abusive behavior".
> 
> Right now I am struggling with my adult son who came to live with me after his father and I split. He has always had a job, full time or close to it, which he attends faithfully, and he picks up his brother after school. Sometimes he feeds him dinner. Sometimes not. We share a vehicle. He dies not drink or do drugs. He does not have a girlfriend. He is a gamer. He does not help with bills. He will help with chores if asked only. He is not my husband, obviously, so I try not to saddle him with "the man of the house" responsibilities but the fact is he is an adult with income which has an effect on his brother and I. He exhibits some of his father's tendencies. Clearly
> 
> ...


A parent's duty is to raise their kids not to keep them kids (he's a gamer) but to raise them to become self-sufficient adults. At least he has a job, but yes, he should be contributing financially OR he should move out and get his own place. Now I am getting the idea you wouldn't want that because he is of some help to you? But that might be best for both of you.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> A parent's duty is to raise their kids not to keep them kids (he's a gamer) but to raise them to become self-sufficient adults. At least he has a job, but yes, he should be contributing financially OR he should move out and get his own place. Now I am getting the idea you wouldn't want that because he is of some help to you? But that might be best for both of you.


Yes, he does help me with his brother. It is more than that though. Housing where we are is very expensive $1600 is the average for a 2br apt. when you can even find one. Waiting lists are long. We pay less where we are but it is kinda shabby. Clean, but shabby. I have been letting him not pay because he was supposed to be saving money for a car. He should have a lot more banked, tbh.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> Yes, he does help me with his brother. It is more than that though. Housing where we are is very expensive $1600 is the average for a 2br apt. when you can even find one. Waiting lists are long. We pay less where we are but it is kinda shabby. Clean, but shabby. I have been letting him not pay because he was supposed to be saving money for a car. He should have a lot more banked, tbh.


Yeah, those games aren't free. You can drop a bundle on them for the in-game purchases. That's where his money is going. You need to sit him down and give him a deadline of some sort. You need to stop enabling him. So he works and picks up the brother. In what? Your car? Or his old car? Is the brother working or going to school? 

You need to decide what you want things to look like in six months and give him an ultimatum. It would obviously be best for him to get out and make his way on his own salary, giving up what he can't afford in the process so he grows up and becomes self-sufficient or you may end up with a pregnant girlfriend living with you one day and no one chipping in any money for rent or bills. Write it down for him, like a contract. If you want him to stay but pay, give him 3 months and write that down with a date. On this date, you will need to come up with $700 a months to cover your part of rent and bills and food if you want to stay here.

You could find a paying roommate if he leaves.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah, those games aren't free. You can drop a bundle on them for the in-game purchases. That's where his money is going. You need to sit him down and give him a deadline of some sort. You need to stop enabling him. So he works and picks up the brother. In what? Your car? Or his old car? Is the brother working or going to school?
> 
> You need to decide what you want things to look like in six months and give him an ultimatum. It would obviously be best for him to get out and make his way on his own salary, giving up what he can't afford in the process so he grows up and becomes self-sufficient or you may end up with a pregnant girlfriend living with you one day and no one chipping in any money for rent or bills. Write it down for him, like a contract. If you want him to stay but pay, give him 3 months and write that down with a date. On this date, you will need to come up with $700 a months to cover your part of rent and bills and food if you want to stay here.
> 
> You could find a paying roommate if he leaves.


So this is how a typical day looks. We all get up at 5:45. We drive my oldest to work for 7am. I drive his brother to school (he is 10) for 7:30. I go to work. On my lunch I pick him up from his work. He drops me back at work. Picks up his brother at the after school program then they pick me up anywhere from 5:30 to 8pm depending on my shift. It's exhausting...

Yes, I know it mostly is going to games. I don't think he tealuzes that yet. I mentsl budget all day. He can't do that...yet.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

what is missing is what caused the breakup ? Maybe something happened that your son didn't like


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Erudite said:


> So this is how a typical day looks. We all get up at 5:45. We drive my oldest to work for 7am. I drive his brother to school (he is 10) for 7:30. I go to work. On my lunch I pick him up from his work. He drops me back at work. Picks up his brother at the after school program then they pick me up anywhere from 5:30 to 8pm depending on my shift. It's exhausting...
> 
> Yes, I know it mostly is going to games. I don't think he tealuzes that yet. I mentsl budget all day. He can't do that...yet.


You know what? He's young and right now he should be working two jobs while he can and saving money since you live somewhere expensive. It's your house, your rules, so lay them down. No more wasting money on games or anything else and spare time to be spent making extra money. It's good you two are able to work together to get each other to work, etc., but with two cars, it would be even better, though two cars to maintain. 

He definitely needs to be contributing. Right now he's doing one errand. My guess is even picking up the younger son could be handled without him if necessary, either by bus or walking or riding a bike or a school mate's mom, if necessary. He should be working more and playing less, that's for sure. And write out that deal so he knows it's serious. And set the amount. If the rent goes up, the amount goes up, etc. And while you're at it, put on there no overnight guests so he doesn't bring home a woman that never leaves someday.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You know what? He's young and right now he should be working two jobs while he can and saving money since you live somewhere expensive. It's your house, your rules, so lay them down. No more wasting money on games or anything else and spare time to be spent making extra money. It's good you two are able to work together to get each other to work, etc., but with two cars, it would be even better, though two cars to maintain.
> 
> He definitely needs to be contributing. Right now he's doing one errand. My guess is even picking up the younger son could be handled without him if necessary, either by bus or walking or riding a bike or a school mate's mom, if necessary. He should be working more and playing less, that's for sure. And write out that deal so he knows it's serious. And set the amount. If the rent goes up, the amount goes up, etc. And while you're at it, put on there no overnight guests so he doesn't bring home a woman that never leaves someday.


Well we just had the budget talk. He was very upset that I was putting pressure on him. He still doesn't get how much I have been helping him. I don't think he will ever really get it until he is soley responsible for himself. He got a little loud and aggressive but I kept my temper in check, although I could feel myself doing a hard eye roll once in a while. We decided on $700 per month. To be paid at the end of the month in 1 lump sum. I did not write it down but we will see.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Decades ago when my child decided it would be a good idea to drop out of college and find some sort of job I made a very complete list of what having a child cost my husband and me and how much we would need to be reimbursed if college wasn’t in the picture and living at home was. Suddenly, college seemed a good idea again. Children usually have no idea the resources they have access to — and the expense — until the details are pointed out. Sometimes they immediately wake up and sometimes it takes awhile to get through. Keep at it if he starts pushing back.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

The most valuable experience of my life was being on my own. Independence gave me more self esteem than anything else, and gave me the confidence and courage to demand that I be treated with dignity and respect by the people in my life.

He may fight but it’s worth it. Knowing you can take care of yourself, by yourself, is very powerful.


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

Erudite said:


> He knows I need him. I rely on him to keep an eye on his brother after school. And he doesn't get angry. He gets..I don't know the term. Insulted? He acts insulted or inconvenienced or critisizes my choices. "You didn't have to buy a car, Mom, so why you complaining..." Like I dug us this hole by leaving his Dad and he doesn't feel like he should help get us out. I have been proud of myself for leaving his Dad and making it on my own. Never missed rent. All bills paid on time. And for stuff like that to be said...i don't know. Anger. Disappointment. I just don't want to talk to him. Hours. Days. Not enough to make me want to engage.


You should be proud of yourself for leaving his dad and everything else you've done so far. But it seems like you are kind of expecting your son to be a fill in husband in some ways, which can be weird for a kid. And you don't want to tell him that directly. So you just dose him with the silent treatment when it's clear he's not getting it on his own.

I do think in this situation it's an unhealthy dynamic. If that's what you need then you should go back to the parent/child role, sit him down and very clearly spell it out. But I think it would be even better if you started dating again and found a non family member to step into that role. And gave that guy the silent treatment instead.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

gaius said:


> You should be proud of yourself for leaving his dad and everything else you've done so far. But it seems like you are kind of expecting your son to be a fill in husband in some ways, which can be weird for a kid. And you don't want to tell him that directly. So you just dose him with the silent treatment when it's clear he's not getting it on his own.
> 
> I do think in this situation it's an unhealthy dynamic. If that's what you need then you should go back to the parent/child role, sit him down and very clearly spell it out. But I think it would be even better if you started dating again and found a non family member to step into that role. And gave that guy the silent treatment instead.


It is a weird dynamic, I agree, but he has just as much agency here. He is an adult. Not in college. He works. To expect him to contribute is not treating him like a husband. And as an adult who is CHOOSING to live with me, he has no room to question my choices in such a disrespectful manner, imho. Also in regards to his brother, if something should ever happen to me and his father I would expect him to take care of his brother. Picking up from school is not asking him to be a parent, it's being part of a family.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Erudite said:


> Well we just had the budget talk. He was very upset that I was putting pressure on him. He still doesn't get how much I have been helping him. I don't think he will ever really get it until he is soley responsible for himself. He got a little loud and aggressive but I kept my temper in check, although I could feel myself doing a hard eye roll once in a while. We decided on $700 per month. To be paid at the end of the month in 1 lump sum. I did not write it down but we will see.


Better write it down with dates.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Erudite ,

As I mentioned before, my Dear Hubby (the one who passed away) and I had my son and his wife living with us in our house. They were adults also (mid-twenties) and what we did was we had them pay half the rent/mortgage and we paid the other half. In exchange, they were considered equally in house decisions because they were paying toward that right to have some "say so." We paid bills like electricity, heat and water--which we considered necessities--and I worked remotely so I paid for business-level internet. We had separate cell phone plans, they paid for cable because they wanted it (we didn't), and they had their own car and personal bills. They paid for and prepared their own food--we got them a second refrigerator in the garage--and we lived like roommates. The point is that it wasn't a nebulous "Help out now and then" but rather sharing housing costs, paying some toward household bills, and having some of their own bills. 

Similarly, I had an exH who had joint custody with me, and the divorce judgement said that costs for the kids were to be shared and split 50/50. Well you know how kids are...every day was "Mom I need $10 for the ___ at school" or "Mom, I need more jeans, these have a hole." ETC. Trying to get half from my ex was driving him crazy and felt like nitpicking to him, and I could see how he'd feel that way, but that's how the kids were! Anyway, what we decided to do was that he paid for all sports and sporting equipment the kids needed, and I paid for all the little monthly nit picks. Likewise if they needed clothes or that kind of thing, the parent they were with bought them to keep at their house. Both kids were in karate and did tournaments, one did football...the other did baseball. And I did a spreadshet and honestly the costs were very close to even! (Big stuff, like a doctor or orthodontist bill...we did split those). My point is that the nebulous "share every cost drove him nuts, whereas the "known" of sport fees and equipment he could deal with so much better. 

Maybe your son is like that. Undefined "help now and then" may drive him crazy because he a) doesn't want to give it at all, but b) he can't tell what's coming when. Having an agreed upon, $700/mo to cover his portion of room and bills may be a wiser option that he deals with better. Good job for having the talk! Now, I'd suggest writing it down in layman's terms: Here's what we agree on: the cost is THIS and the benefits are THAT.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Just for the record:
The silent treatment is cruel and unusual punishment, and like medieval torture methods, should be out of bounds.

Using it on your own son? Damn, woman!???? Fix that…,, I think you should.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Your son sounds like a very lovely 20 year old. Remember, despite what everybody here is saying, he is still very young and he needs guidance. He will come round. Just be patient. Try and make him understand that he has to contribute a little financially. I'm sure he will get it. Of course he thinks his parents have messed his life up, but he will get over it. Regarding the silent treatment, I don't think it is. I've been a target of it for many years and it's not what you are describing, believe me. Good luck!


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I'm a firm believer in a parents job is to teach our kids how to be resourceful and survive independently. It sounds like he is only working part time, why is that acceptable? If he claims that's all the hours he gets then he needs another job or he works two jobs. Honestly at 20 he should be going crazy living at home! 

You keep mentioning how you "depend" on him for certain things which makes me think you enable his behavior because it makes your life easier. That's something you need to be careful about, long term that hurts both of you.

Here's what I would do if you can afford it, but don't tell him the plan. Start charging him some rent, tell him in six months he has to move out or the rent doubles. Take the money he pays you in rent and put it aside, in six months offer him a choice. You will give him the money back so he can move out or he stays and the rent doubles as agreed.

Regardless of anything else if you are paying for cable or some gaming service cancel it today. You need to do everything in your power to discourage his game time and get him out there working as many hours as possible. Even if he offers to pay for a gaming service or internet say no.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The silent treatment is immature more than abusive. However, asking for time to process is not abusive & it is mature but you are the parent here so find your words. 

If you want him to act like an adult, treat him like one. Show him the costs of running the house: rent, food, car payment, insurance, etc. It is your car so that bill is yours, not his. As long as he's putting gas in it & using it to do you favors like pick up your younger kids, leave the car part alone. If you added his phone to your plan, get some money from him for that & then come up with a "fair" rent & or grocery contribution & decide what chores he's responsible for. Don't set it in stone; let him have some say. Ask what he thinks is fair & show him how much it would cost to live independently even with roommates.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Asking your son to contribute is both reasonable and appropriate.

I think where you're having issues is that you're expecting him to have the values and judgement of a seasoned adult.

He's not your equal and never really will be; this parent child dynamic never ends. That's why living with parents as an adult child is hard on everyone.

You need to keep your emotions out of your dealings with him...he's not equipped to deal with that because he's not your equal emotionally. As his mother you will always have the upper hand, so don't abuse that.

Lay out unemotionally what is expected of him; you can even tell him that you appreciate the help he provides but you need x, y, and z. When he runs his mouth about what you need to be doing respond unemotionally that he doesn't know as much as he thinks and his opinion is noted. Period.

If you remove the emotion and stop expecting him to have seasoned adult judgement you may find you don't even think about giving the silent treatment.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

D0nnivain said:


> The silent treatment is immature more than abusive. However, asking for time to process is not abusive & it is mature but you are the parent here so find your words.
> 
> If you want him to act like an adult, treat him like one. Show him the costs of running the house: rent, food, car payment, insurance, etc. It is your car so that bill is yours, not his. As long as he's putting gas in it & using it to do you favors like pick up your younger kids, leave the car part alone. If you added his phone to your plan, get some money from him for that & then come up with a "fair" rent & or grocery contribution & decide what chores he's responsible for. Don't set it in stone; let him have some say. Ask what he thinks is fair & show him how much it would cost to live independently even with roommates.


Start your conversation with this tidbit; son, I'd rather not have have an argumentative relationship with you, it's better you move out so we can get together and visit without arguing all the time. I love you and you have to move out by this weekend if you find my requests troublesome so you can make your own decisions on how you want to handle things.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

lifeistooshort said:


> Asking your son to contribute is both reasonable and appropriate.
> 
> I think where you're having issues is that you're expecting him to have the values and judgement of a seasoned adult.
> 
> ...


This is so spot on! I literally said wow when you said stop expecting him to have the judgement of a seasoned adult. I think you were very fair with your analysis! We did finally talk. I would like to learn how to shorten my decompression time so that I don't give myself time to stew. And that would be a good thing for his brother and my ex as well.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Affaircare said:


> @Erudite ,
> 
> As I mentioned before, my Dear Hubby (the one who passed away) and I had my son and his wife living with us in our house. They were adults also (mid-twenties) and what we did was we had them pay half the rent/mortgage and we paid the other half. In exchange, they were considered equally in house decisions because they were paying toward that right to have some "say so." We paid bills like electricity, heat and water--which we considered necessities--and I worked remotely so I paid for business-level internet. We had separate cell phone plans, they paid for cable because they wanted it (we didn't), and they had their own car and personal bills. They paid for and prepared their own food--we got them a second refrigerator in the garage--and we lived like roommates. The point is that it wasn't a nebulous "Help out now and then" but rather sharing housing costs, paying some toward household bills, and having some of their own bills.
> 
> ...


Yes I think you are right. He is better with lump sums. Especially true because he would "help out" and it would seem like alot to him due to frequency. I still bear the brunt of managing the pay/due dates of the bills. But even so it appears that your advice has alot of merit.


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## SortingStuff (Dec 5, 2018)

Erudite said:


> I would like some people's perspective on the silent treatment. Google says that this is "abusive behavior".
> 
> Right now I am struggling with my adult son who came to live with me after his father and I split. He has always had a job, full time or close to it, which he attends faithfully, and he picks up his brother after school. Sometimes he feeds him dinner. Sometimes not. We share a vehicle. He dies not drink or do drugs. He does not have a girlfriend. He is a gamer. He does not help with bills. He will help with chores if asked only. He is not my husband, obviously, so I try not to saddle him with "the man of the house" responsibilities but the fact is he is an adult with income which has an effect on his brother and I. He exhibits some of his father's tendencies. Clearly
> 
> ...


I read an article (link below) a while ago & found it apropos to my marriage. We are both pretty crappy at communication - our parents never discussed anything, much less argued about anything in front of us as kids. We grew up not knowing how to talk to our long-term partners. We got married in our mid/late 40’s. I was always a player & never had an R longer than a year or so. 
That being said, we now have lunch together at least once a week &, since COVID, have in-home date nights when our kiddo is not supposed to disturb us unless she’s dying. She still does bother us, so the lunches have been invaluable. The impetus for those breaking bread combos was the article, which we’ve also discussed at some length.
The article isn’t about marriage, specifically, but the effects of the Silent Treatment. 

Here’s the link: What You’re Saying When You Give Someone the Silent Treatment


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

The silent treatment absolutely IS abusive behaviour, it's a very cruel and powerful way of controlling someone. It's number 2 on the list of the abusers handbook.

HOWEVER, like anything, it comes down to context. BIG difference between "I'm too angry with you to talk about this right now" and just ignoring someone. If you have a human moment, which we all do sometimes and give him the silent treatment, that isn't a pattern of abusive behaviour, it's just someone being human. If it's your go-to method of handling things, then yes, that's when it's abusive.




Erudite said:


> We share 1 vehicle. He hit a lit hole and damaged the tire rim. He did not even offer to help replace it.


You need to insist he pays for that, it's called adulting.



Erudite said:


> Like I dug us this hole by leaving his Dad and he doesn't feel like he should help get us out.


It isn't his job to get you out of a hole, I'll say that. That's on you.

Yes he should be contributing to the household, as should any working adult, but if you find yourself in a huge hole because of choices you made, it's not his job to get you out of them.

You've created this problem OP, but you know that. As someone else said, you need to stop expecting him to have the brain power of a seasoned adult - he's only 21, not 35. Sit him down, show him all the bills, and also show him what you're not getting from the state because he's living with you, so in effect he's costing you money by being there right off the bat. I know you've agreed on a sum, and that's great, but make sure he understands that he has to pay it, and if he doesn't, he's out.


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## David60525 (Oct 5, 2021)

Erudite said:


> I would like some people's perspective on the silent treatment. Google says that this is "abusive behavior".
> 
> Right now I am struggling with my adult son who came to live with me after his father and I split. He has always had a job, full time or close to it, which he attends faithfully, and he picks up his brother after school. Sometimes he feeds him dinner. Sometimes not. We share a vehicle. He dies not drink or do drugs. He does not have a girlfriend. He is a gamer. He does not help with bills. He will help with chores if asked only. He is not my husband, obviously, so I try not to saddle him with "the man of the house" responsibilities but the fact is he is an adult with income which has an effect on his brother and I. He exhibits some of his father's tendencies. Clearly
> 
> ...


KICK HIM OUT, RELATIONSHIP is inappropriate. Odipdios complex, sigmond Freud


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

Update: so good things are happening! I have just got job offer that pays almost double my previous wage. Also also actually actually I was approved for a home loan! Which the payments would be a third of what I am paying now. Now just need to find the right house. More pay, less expense, means less stress to unwittingly transfer to my kids.

This will mean a move, obviously. I told my son he is free to come with us when the time comes but he will have to get a job there as well. Or he stays in this town and rooms with a friend. Or gets his own place. He is an adult. His choice but whichever one he makes I am holding him to it.


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## Erudite (Jan 28, 2015)

frusdil said:


> The silent treatment absolutely IS abusive behaviour, it's a very cruel and powerful way of controlling someone. It's number 2 on the list of the abusers handbook.
> 
> HOWEVER, like anything, it comes down to context. BIG difference between "I'm too angry with you to talk about this right now" and just ignoring someone. If you have a human moment, which we all do sometimes and give him the silent treatment, that isn't a pattern of abusive behaviour, it's just someone being human. If it's your go-to method of handling things, then yes, that's when it's abusive.
> 
> ...


No I did not dig a huge hole. I dug myself out of one. With no financial help. No state aid. No child support. No help from son. In fact I was just pre approved for a home loan. Yes I had to make some tough choices (I had to take a loan on a car for reasons in another thread) Bit he has reaped the benefits of those choices soo..


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## christine29 (Nov 30, 2021)

The silent treatment is 'terrible' for a relationship. It reduces both partners' relationship satisfaction, feelings of intimacy, and the ability to communicate in a healthy and meaningful way.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Silent treatment usually comes without a warning, which is why it's considered emotionally abusive. The person may be kind one day, but the next uses silent treatment to punish without identifying what the other person did. Asking for space or telling someone ''I don't really want to talk about this right now,'' isn't silent treatment, in my opinion.

Read through your thread and happy to see things are turning around for you, OP.


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