# When do you finally give up?



## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

I found TAM several years ago when googling "my husband doesn't want sex" or something like that. I had been struggling with this thought for much of our marriage (22 years at that time) although we rarely, if ever, had spoken about it. I just figured he was less focused on physical and more on intellectual aspects of life. I finally said something to him almost exactly 5 years ago (didn't sign up here until after well over a year of reading and lurking). I told him that we technically had a sexless marriage since we only had sex about once every month and it was starting to head to every 2 months at that time. He just responded "Oh, I didn't know you wanted it more often." That's enough to make a woman feel really desired! I guess wearing lingerie to bed, shaving or trimming privates was not enough to get the message across. Anyway, I started reading lots online, ordering books, sending him links, etc. I even directed him here once, although I doubt he Took more than a glance. 

In the meantime, he suddenly lost his job about 4 years ago. It turned out that was the best thing that ever happened to us! He had great stress from that job, was always crabby, and often mean because of it. The job loss forced him to lose some weight and to reassess some things. At that time, he weighed 268. I weighed 122. We are both about 5'7" (him slightly over, me slightly under). And all his excess weight was around his middle. He has struggled with his weight most of his life, although he weighed about 150 lbs when we met and about 180 when we married. He has lost weight at times, but woukd typically gain it back eventually. I think he just had a very low libido most of our marriage with all that estrogen producing fat around his middle. But adding to that in recent years, he was suffering from delayed ejaculation (couldn't cum) which I did not even realize since we had sex so infrequently. 

With the loss of his job (first time in an over 30 year career) and knowing that it is harder for overweight people to get jobs, he lost weight getting down to 195 lbs. He felt better, look better, and sex greatly improved! Great, right? Well, no. He got a great job that he likes, but he has now gained much of that weight back. Lost some of it again, but gained some more back again (220 lbs now and seems stuck there for the past 6 months or more). So back to the same old isuues of delayed ejaculation, low libido...

Now throw in me going through menopause, and I am starting to just not care any more. I am resentful knowing that if it is important enough (for a job), he can lose the weight. But apparently for marriage and a decent sex life, it isn't worth the effort. I resent that I have kept in shape and not gained weight even after having children and now going through menopause. I am sad that I have been the one driving the attempted improvements to our sex life. He has been willing to go along at times but is never the one to seek information, to read a book (or even short article), to seek anything to spice things up (he is as vanilla as can be). I feel like now we are too old and it is too late to make any significant changes. I just have to settle that I gave up my sexual prime to someone who is not that into sex. Time to settle into a boring, nearly sexless old age.

When do you finally give up and accept that you will never have more than a mediocre, at best, sex life?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

it sounds like you need to give up now. he sounds like he just doesn't care enough and never will.

you need to decide whether you can accept the good things there are and just give up on sex.

how is life beyond the sex, and how important is sex to you?

i know how it is. i was once with a sex-a-phobe and completely sexless. as frustrating as it was, i was willing to stay with
her and just live a sexless life until i found her cheating. twice. that's when i left.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree. It is probably time to give up, not because you are getting older but because after 20 years of this I doubt he cares enough about your needs to ever put out the effort to meet them.

The question now, I think, is what 'giving up' means. Does it mean that you just stay with him? Or does it mean that you divorce him and move on.

Here is a link to a thread that you might find interesting.


*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/387026-now-he-wants-change-power-ilybinilwy.html*


.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm sorry for your situation, however you chose to stay with him despite the low amount of sex and weight gain and it sounds like you now regret those choices. But you were telling him in a form that you were OK with it by not speaking up about your needs when the opportunity was there. 

How you you accept things? You just do. Or you don't and you leave. It sounds like you accepted things a long time ago. Working through your resentment... That is something I would recommended you try with a therapist, or you will carry that resentment with you for a long time.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Wish that you would talk to my wife.

Sounds like us only in reverse.

before filing, can you get his attention and tell him that if he will not go to counseling to work on this, that you do not want to live the rest of your life this way.

Will he go with you on walks to get into better shape?

I would try one last time before walking away.

Good luck to you.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I divorced my ex mainly because of lack of sex - she was low libido, and I was high. Back then, there wasn't the internet to turn to for information, solutions, or even to get a sense of what was usual. I thought I was in a typical, if unhappy and unsatisfying situation - so I stayed for many, many years. I had considered leaving, but it wasn't until soon after the internet became a widely available resource that I figured it out, and divorced her. Best decision I could have made, and despite the financial costs, it was well worth it. I wish I'd done so far sooner. I found someone compatible in all ways, including sexually, and have had a great relationship since. YMMV.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Wife5362 said:


> I found TAM several years ago when googling "my husband doesn't want sex" or something like that.


God, I'll never understand these dudes. I want it everyday and twice on Sunday and have since I was 11 years old.



Wife5362 said:


> When do you finally give up and accept that you will never have more than a mediocre, at best, sex life?


5'7", 122 pounds and with those stats you have the beg him for sex?!? Move on lady, you married a dud not a stud.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Ask him to go for therapy, it may improve things. If not consider a divorce.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree. It is probably time to give up, not because you are getting older but because after 20 years of this I doubt he cares enough about your needs to ever put out the effort to meet them.
> 
> *The question now, I think, is what 'giving up' means. Does it mean that you just stay with him? Or does it mean that you divorce him and move on.*
> 
> ...


That is the question! Diffucukt to answer. It has now been 27 years married, almost 30 that we have been together. I was 23 when we met. He was 34. I realize now, I have always made excuses. I actuallt thought back then that because he was older, it made sense that he had a lower drive. I laugh now thinking I thought a 34 old man would have a low drive. Then in the years of having kids, it was the excuse of them or during oregnancies, that I was high risk so sex during that time scared him. I remember with our first when I had early contractions at about 34 weeks and the doctor came in and said with my husband there "no more sex." I almost laughed since that hadn't happened for quite some time. 

Now, maybe I shouldn't complain since after all the discussions and a few of my rages after a few glasses if wine and threats to open our marriage, our sex frequncy did greatly improve to 3 or more times per week at times during 2015. More recently without my continued "nagging" we are typically now at about once every week to 10 days. But I can see it falling off even more without my pushing. And who wants to feel like you are pressuring your husband to have sex?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wife5362 said:


> I found TAM several years ago when googling "my husband doesn't want sex" or something like that. I had been struggling with this thought for much of our marriage (22 years at that time) although we rarely, if ever, had spoken about it. I just figured he was less focused on physical and more on intellectual aspects of life. I finally said something to him almost exactly 5 years ago (didn't sign up here until after well over a year of reading and lurking). I told him that we technically had a sexless marriage since we only had sex about once every month and it was starting to head to every 2 months at that time. He just responded "Oh, I didn't know you wanted it more often." That's enough to make a woman feel really desired! I guess wearing lingerie to bed, shaving or trimming privates was not enough to get the message across. Anyway, I started reading lots online, ordering books, sending him links, etc. I even directed him here once, although I doubt he Took more than a glance.
> 
> In the meantime, he suddenly lost his job about 4 years ago. It turned out that was the best thing that ever happened to us! He had great stress from that job, was always crabby, and often mean because of it. The job loss forced him to lose some weight and to reassess some things. At that time, he weighed 268. I weighed 122. We are both about 5'7" (him slightly over, me slightly under). And all his excess weight was around his middle. He has struggled with his weight most of his life, although he weighed about 150 lbs when we met and about 180 when we married. He has lost weight at times, but woukd typically gain it back eventually. I think he just had a very low libido most of our marriage with all that estrogen producing fat around his middle. But adding to that in recent years, he was suffering from delayed ejaculation (couldn't cum) which I did not even realize since we had sex so infrequently.
> 
> ...


6 years ago, I kid. I don't know why you are giving up on having a good sex life. Maybe give up on him though. I think you need to put just as much fear in him as he had about not getting a job. If you still feel he is worth it. You don't have to be like this forever.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I agree. It is probably time to give up, not because you are getting older but because after 20 years of this I doubt he cares enough about your needs to ever put out the effort to meet them.
> 
> The question now, I think, is what 'giving up' means. Does it mean that you just stay with him? Or does it mean that you divorce him and move on.
> 
> ...



Also, about the link - so true! During a recent fight, I actuallt told my husband to google "walk away wife." I told him some day I will leave and he will be shocked. Of course, he would never remember me telling him that!


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Satya said:


> I'm sorry for your situation, however you chose to stay with him despite the low amount of sex and weight gain and it sounds like you now regret those choices. But you were telling him in a form that you were OK with it by not speaking up about your needs when the opportunity was there.
> 
> How you you accept things? You just do. Or you don't and you leave. It sounds like you accepted things a long time ago. Working through your resentment... That is something I would recommended you try with a therapist, or you will carry that resentment with you for a long time.


I guess initially, i was giving him the idea that it was OK. But in the last 5 years, no I have told him outright that I am not pleased. 

I will need to work through the resntment and find new interests. Our youngest graduates next year so that may be a time to really evaluate what I want for the remainder of my life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wife5362 said:


> Also, about the link - so true! During a recent fight, I actuallt told my husband to google "walk away wife." I told him some day I will leave and he will be shocked. Of course, he would never remember me telling him that!


I don't know if you have seen this thread or not. It was created to address the issues that you are going through. It's a long thread with a lot of women posting about their experience in a sexless, or near sexless marriage. Read at least the first page as some good resources are provided.


*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html#post16558970*

.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> Wish that you would talk to my wife.
> 
> Sounds like us only in reverse.
> 
> ...


Surprisingly he exercises quite a bit. But he still has a big gut and man boobs. When This all started 5 years ago, he did get his testosterone checked. The level was between 350 and 400 (had it checked twice). Suppodedly thise numbers are in the normal range and it seems lije drs don't want to treat it unless it is outside the normal range. But his difficulty losing weight and his moodiness and some other factors seem to indicate an issue. Now to get him to do something about it AND to find a dr willing to do something is a whole other issue.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

BetrayedDad said:


> God, I'll never understand these dudes. I want it everyday and twice on Sunday and have since I was 11 years old.
> 
> 
> 
> 5'7", 122 pounds and with those stats you have the beg him for sex?!? Move on lady, you married a dud not a stud.


Now imagine what this does to a woman who grows up with media that has the stereotype of the man chasing and begging his wife for sex. What is she to think? She must be repulsive. For some reason her husband does not want sex very often. He isn't chasing her and doesn't seem too enthusiasic or passionate about her. Yes, it really messes with your head!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Wife5362 said:


> Now imagine what this does to a woman who grows up with media that has the stereotype of the man chasing and begging his wife for sex. What is she to think? She must be repulsive. For some reason her husband does not want sex very often. He isn't chasing her and doesn't seem too enthusiasic or passionate about her. Yes, it really messes with your head!


No, you should be thinking, "Clearly, this guy has medical issues and/or is broken." 

Obviously, you are fit and you have a healthy sex drive. Stop wasting your time.

If he won't get medical treatment for his low testosterone then YOU need to move on.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wife5362 said:


> Also, about the link - so true! During a recent fight, I actuallt told my husband to google "walk away wife." I told him some day I will leave and he will be shocked. Of course, he would never remember me telling him that!


Just a point of contention and advice about this, if this is what you are thinking. Not saying this is you but If you do this, you can do this with honor or you can do it in a way that humiliates him and invalidates you as a good person. The way to destroy your honor and really set yourself up for failure moving forward is obviously to cheat first in foremost. Lots of women seem to do it this way, and in the end for most their lives aren't going to get any better. This is because they have stared the whole thing off by scorching any dignity they have. Plus the new relationship is built on a framework of deceit and destruction. A man who will have an affair with a married women even if her marriage is broken is probably not a good candidate for long term success. Or even short term because who knows who he has been with or still is with. God forbid you have kids. Forget about taking the highroad then. 

There is still some amount of loyalty that is required for someone who helped you raise children and put a roof over your head. There is a way to break up that is decent and kind. Meaning lots of heads up. Not letting it be a surprise. Like if you are feeling that way now you need to say it bluntly.

"Husband, put everything down, clear your head, don't speak just let me finish, I need you to listen to me now. If this doesn't change I am not going to be here in a year's time. This is your last chance. I am starting to want to pull away now. I need physical intimacy in my life, if you are not going to provide it tell me now and we can end it. If you are then you need to make a serious concerted effort from this day forward until the day when you are no long physically able to do so. Do not think I am bluffing and do not think this is a point that is negotiable." 
@FrazzledSadHusband addressed this with his wife very succinctly in a letter that he posted on post #46 of the "Re: I said the unthinkable" thread. You should look it up. 

Finally I think if you do leave then you must completely detach and separate yourself form your spouse, and dating should be done at least at first quietly and with the understanding that your ex will be having difficulty. In other words if you are still in the same social circle I would wait a year before you have the coming out party celebration. Here is my new boyfriend I am bringing to the party. Your ex should get a heads up through back end channels at least the first time if possible. This is the kind thing to do even if it is difficult and an inconvenience. Anyway at least then you can hold your head up high. Class is always a good go to. 

My 2 cents.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You have ONE life. Why are you wasting it??? I was in same boat. I divorced my ex wife after a 4 years of 100% no sex (yes, I was a wimp in the beginning and didn't want to lose my "crap"). Now I'm having mind blowing sex 5-7x a week now. Life is great again.

You either cheat on him and have an exit affair, or get the balls to have a conversation with him and give him 3 months to see noticeable change or you're gone. Start living life for yourself. Go to bars and see how much attention you'll get. Maybe you just need some confidence to leave him. I'm 5'10 and weigh 170# with a decent amount of muscle. You can't be attractive to your H!


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Speaking as a former fatty, I just could not lose it. Over the years, I tried every diet and form of exercise to no avail. Then, I had two heart attacks in my forties. Discovered during the second attack that I was pretty profoundly diabetic. Some good focus on myself, medical management from a Dr of internal medicine and a good number of years slugging it out, and I am down to 195. The libido, has gone through the roof. We were heading down your path, we were down to once every other week. At 195 we are up to every other/every day. During vacation, more like 2-3 times a day. Your husband has already lost it once, my weight loss uncovered 2" previously buried under my gut. My wife sometimes remarks that she has an entirely new man, and she is right. Along with the weight loss, there is the freedom to be more loving, more ardent, more horny. What we were missing in our 30's 40's and 50's is suddenly happening in our 60's. Get him to get the weight off. If he is happy in the job, and his life is working out, then it is time before more critical health issues start cropping up: Diabetes and heart disease come to mind.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Wife5362 said:


> Now imagine what this does to a woman who grows up with media that has the stereotype of the man chasing and begging his wife for sex. What is she to think? She must be repulsive. For some reason her husband does not want sex very often. He isn't chasing her and doesn't seem too enthusiasic or passionate about her. Yes, it really messes with your head!


You would be surprised, in reading on here you can tell men who's wives are not interested in them this go through the very same thoughts. They may not articulate it well though. Also for men physical intimacy is the primary go to for us to start the process of emotional intimacy. So they really have nothing in their relationships. Could be the same for you though and just as tragic. 

Something isn't right with your husband. Not that this is your fault but have you have tried to seduce him? Asked him what he likes? Asked him if he is attracted to you? It may be painful but the truth is some people are not attracted to certain types, maybe you are not his. Doesn't mean you are not attractive though. At least it would make everything make sense for you and make you feel better in a way. 

What is his porn use like? Maybe he is more interested in 2D then 3D. There is a whole population of people now who have unfortunately trained their minds to be attracted to 2d images and not the real thing. Sadly their sexuality is looking at flicking lights on a screen.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

sokillme said:


> Just a point of contention and advice about this, if this is what you are thinking. Not saying this is you but If you do this, you can do this with honor or you can do it in a way that humiliates him and invalidates you as a good person. The way to destroy your honor and really set yourself up for failure moving forward is obviously to cheat first in foremost. Lots of women seem to do it this way, and in the end for most their lives aren't going to get any better. This is because they have stared the whole thing off by scorching any dignity they have. Plus the new relationship is built on a framework of deceit and destruction. A man who will have an affair with a married women even if her marriage is broken is probably not a good candidate for long term success. Or even short term because who knows who he has been with or still is with. God forbid you have kids. Forget about taking the highroad then.
> 
> There is still some amount of loyalty that is required for someone who helped you raise children and put a roof over your head. There is a way to break up that is decent and kind. Meaning lots of heads up. Not letting it be a surprise. Like if you are feeling that way now you need to say it bluntly.
> 
> ...


Don't worry. I would never be able to cheat. I can't see getting involved with anyone while still in a relationship with someone else. Have never understood people who are able to do that,

Before any of this came up 5 years ago, we were barely speaking. This was when he had the job that he was very stressed, crabby, mean. He barely spoke from one day to the next. I'd walk in a room and he would leave to go to another. At that time, I told him I was emotionally divorcing him. Even then, I could not have cheated.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

sokillme said:


> You would be surprised, in reading on here you can tell men who's wives are not interested in them this go through the very same thoughts. They may not articulate it well though. Also for men physical intimacy is the primary go to for us to start the process of emotional intimacy. So they really have nothing in their relationships. Could be the same for you though and just as tragic.
> 
> Something isn't right with your husband. Not that this is your fault but have you have tried to seduce him? Asked him what he likes? Asked him if he is attracted to you? It may be painful but the truth is some people are not attracted to certain types, maybe you are not his. Doesn't mean you are not attractive though. At least it would make everything make sense for you and make you feel better in a way.
> 
> What is his porn use like? Maybe he is more interested in 2D then 3D. There is a whole population of people now who have unfortunately trained their minds to be attracted to 2d images and not the real thing. Sadly their sexuality is looking at flicking lights on a screen.


Good questions. His likes/dislikes, his type? Impossible to know. He is not open to communicating much at all about sex. I ask questions and he'll answer with quick nonrevealing answers like my preference is "just like you" or never thought about it, etc. He also is very quiet during sex to the point of me not knowing what is pleasurable or not at times. I have figured out much if that over time, but still strange to deal with. I have asked him how often he was masturbating back when we were having sex so infrequently. He says only ocassionally, but who knows? I know I was waking up having orgasms in my sleep because of the infrequency! I had to google if that was unusual and I guess not if you are not having sex very often. He grew up in a Catholic family, 12 years of Catholic school. I have asked him if h thinks that affected his veiws on sex. He says no but I wonder. But I grew up Catholic and went to Cathoic elementary school and it did not affect me. 

He doesn't watch porn that I have seen and I am pretty aware of his google history, etc (learned a lot on here, haha). He is one that never really compliments so I have no idea if he is attracted to me. I can truly say he has never said anything like "you're pretty" or "I think you're hot" or "you make me whatever..." He doesn't respond much to lingerie or say if it looks good, bad, or indifferent. But I know I'm not ugly and I have to say I am in better shape than 95%+ of women over 50, so I know in my head that I'm not hideous. But still, rejection affects a person. I also know in younger days just walking through the bedroom and seeing me changing was enough to get him going.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

350-400 isn't great for T but all kinds of men have satisfying sex lives at those ranges. Lower numbers will most definitely affect libido. If he works out regularly he shouldn't have man boobs. Also did his dr do the test when he was at his current weight? 

Underlying issue sounds like he can't be bothered with what is important to you including taking care of himself. As you approach empty nest you and he can't hide behind the busyness of kids. 

If everything else is going great besides the bedroom then sit down with him one more time. Tell him you are serious and you are not wasting your sexy self in your best years to someone not interested in it. Give a timeline and tell him exactly what it will look like. Youngest is graduating and you are suddenly going to have a lot more free time. He better be there or get left behind. 

If everything else is as bad as the bedroom scene just file and get it over with.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

pbj2016 said:


> 350-400 isn't great for T but all kinds of men have satisfying sex lives at those ranges. Lower numbers will most definitely affect libido. If he works out regularly he shouldn't have man boobs. Also did his dr do the test when he was at his current weight?
> 
> Underlying issue sounds like he can't be bothered with what is important to you including taking care of himself. As you approach empty nest you and he can't hide behind the busyness of kids.
> 
> ...


This is good advice and I will lay it out there for him. But I still feel like crap having to threaten my husband in order to get him to want to have sex with me more often and with at least a tiny bit of passion! Lately, I am having problems myself now with orgasming because of the stuff going through my head like "he's probably bored," "he doesn't want to be doing this," "I'm taking too long." So many things I look back on now with hindsight that I can't believe I put up with. But I am one to never give up.

ETA - about the T level. The one test was during his weight loss (about half way through). Here were the results:
Percent Testosterone Free	1.7	2.0 - 4.0 %
Testosterone Total	357	240 - 950 ng/dL
Testosterone Free	6.1	8 - 30 ng/dL

Notice the free T and %T are below the normal range even though the Total is within the range. The dr still didn't want to treat. With mire weight loss, It was later slightly higer (415) with %free T still slightly lower than accepted (like 1.8%).


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

@wife5362 can you expand more on how when you were both younger all it took was you changing clothes in front of him to get him going? Was the sex more frequent and was he more lusty back then? When did it change?


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> @wife5362 can you expand more on how when you were both younger all it took was you changing clothes in front of him to get him going? Was the sex more frequent and was he more lusty back then? When did it change?


It is hard for me to answer this as it has been so long ago. But I do remember having thoughts of wondering why he was taking things so slow when we first dated. But I think we had sex about once a week early on. But as a comparison, I was used to everyday with a guy I dated for 3 years in college but that was when I was 18-21 years old. In my marriage, after just 2 years we hit a 10 year period of having kids. I was pregnant and/or nursing a baby for that whole ten years. I still wanted sex often but was probably too tired or busy to push for it, and I think we had it once a week at the beginning of that period of time but I think that is when it declined until reaching once a month. Shortly after that, I remember moving to the house we live in now (11 years ago). There was an issue with the lock on the bedroom door not catching and that became an excuse for no sex. After some time (I don't now if that was a couple weeks or a couple months), but I got fed up and got the tools out to fix the damn lock myself! More than 5 years ago, we got into the barely speaking period of time. But I decided to put in a concerted effort to improve things starting about 5 years ago. I suggested that sex for every day for a year thing that was going around. He agreed but it lasted 9 days! He went on a camping trip with my youngest 2 boys and when he returned a week later, it was never spoken of again and things went back to once per month. 4 years ago with his loss of job and some fighting, I suggested it might be time to call it quits. He could go anywhere he wanted for a new job. We could sell the house, etc. That is when he started putting in some effort, lost a bunch of weight, and things did greatly improve. More recently, between his weight gain and me not pushing any longer, things are on the down slide again.

The other part of the question about how lusty he ever was - He has never been the type to be super passionate or lustful. He has never grabbed me and said "I've got to have you!" He does not compliment me. I brought that to his attention once, and he complimented me for the way I looked on our wedding day. OK, that's nice, but that was more than 20 years ago! I guess I never thought about some of these things until recently. I feel I have missed out on a lot by having someone that never even notices when I put in some effort to stay in shape, to dress up, do my hair, etc. At times I have thought I could eat all I want and be as big as a house. Why would it matter? But I wouldn't feel good about myself so that won't happen.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Wife5362 said:


> This is good advice and I will lay it out there for him. But I still feel like crap having to threaten my husband in order to get him to want to have sex with me more often and with at least a tiny bit of passion! Lately, I am having problems myself now with orgasming because of the stuff going through my head like "he's probably bored," "he doesn't want to be doing this," "I'm taking too long." So many things I look back on now with hindsight that I can't believe I put up with. But I am one to never give up.
> 
> ETA - about the T level. The one test was during his weight loss (about half way through). Here were thevresults:
> Percent Testosterone Free1.72.0 - 4.0 %
> ...




How old is he now? If you had a satisfying sex life before and not one now I would definitely look into changing his dr. Some doctors are very reluctant to prescribe HRT if the test result doesn't show going below the low range on total T. Which is actually ridiculously low. Get a dr that actually knows what they are doing. Also there should be 2 tests several weeks apart to confirm and always first appointment in the morning when T is usually the highest. The free % has to be in the right range as well. In fact some say free % is actually the number to be concerned about. 

Is your husband aware of how little sex you are having? Sounds like that should be an obvious answer but if he doesn't have enough T in his system it may not even cross his mind on how bad it really is. Document quality and quantity (and the lack there of) in a diary. Include details that are important to you. You can do this diary on your phone if you have a smart phone. The point of this is to come to him armed with facts. 

Also as far as feeling bad about threatening your husband for sex. It isn't a threat. It is a promise. You want more in the bedroom. You want passion. Nothing wrong with either of those. It should be presented as a problem to be solved and you will evaluate all the options in 6 months (or whatever the timeframe is). You aren't happy. You can either keep dealing with it in your head alone or ask him to help solve it. Yes, you have already asked him but the real issue might lie in the fact that he is overweight. If you aren't willing to consider walking away from the marriage then do not make that part of the conversation. 

It worked before when he lost the weight and it will work again. The problem is that if he is struggling with a weight issue that he cannot reasonably control because of the lower T levels then he may also be feeling bad about it. Double whammy.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Wife5362 said:


> I found TAM several years ago when googling "my husband doesn't want sex" or something like that. I had been struggling with this thought for much of our marriage (22 years at that time) although we rarely, if ever, had spoken about it. I just figured he was less focused on physical and more on intellectual aspects of life. I finally said something to him almost exactly 5 years ago (didn't sign up here until after well over a year of reading and lurking). I told him that we technically had a sexless marriage since we only had sex about once every month and it was starting to head to every 2 months at that time. He just responded "Oh, I didn't know you wanted it more often." That's enough to make a woman feel really desired! I guess wearing lingerie to bed, shaving or trimming privates was not enough to get the message across. Anyway, I started reading lots online, ordering books, sending him links, etc. I even directed him here once, although I doubt he Took more than a glance.
> 
> In the meantime, he suddenly lost his job about 4 years ago. It turned out that was the best thing that ever happened to us! He had great stress from that job, was always crabby, and often mean because of it. The job loss forced him to lose some weight and to reassess some things. At that time, he weighed 268. I weighed 122. We are both about 5'7" (him slightly over, me slightly under). And all his excess weight was around his middle. He has struggled with his weight most of his life, although he weighed about 150 lbs when we met and about 180 when we married. He has lost weight at times, but woukd typically gain it back eventually. I think he just had a very low libido most of our marriage with all that estrogen producing fat around his middle. But adding to that in recent years, he was suffering from delayed ejaculation (couldn't cum) which I did not even realize since we had sex so infrequently.
> 
> ...


Is your relationship otherwise good? I am also in a complete sexless marriage (I'd be happy with once a month) and we currently sleep separate mostly due to snoring issues. His cpap broke and guess fixing it isn't worth the effort  . I have made a conscious effort to distance myself emotionally and that makes it easier to cope. I still enjoy his company and we have a lot in common and enjoy the same activities so I just more or less see him as a friend now. 

I have pretty much fallen out of any kind of romantic love and frankly am not really attracted to him anymore that way. It still hurts knowing he never thought i was worth the effort, but getting to the point that its no longer worth it to me either makes it easier.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

You mentioned that he sometimes has trouble reaching orgasm, would you mind describing the dynamics of what happens when he experiences that? 

I have a rather high level of desire compared to my wife and once had anxieties that caused me problems to climax. My wife would get upset with me and complain that it would be best if I did not even try to have sex with her unless I was really sure that I wanted it. That in turn made the problem even worse. We have since overcome that through communication and worked out a schedule for intimacy that helped get rid of my anxiety. ...anyway, problems reaching climax can be associated with anxiety and may not be that related to weight/hormones. 

Badsanta


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

@Wife5362: you have my sympathies. This is no fun for either a male or a female (to not be desired).

If he was not lusty when younger, did not come on to you, did not comment on your body, etc. then I think he is most likely a lost cause sexually. He never had the fire, so there is no way to rekindle it.

Decide whether you want to stay in a companionate marriage to the father of your children. To just be roommates and co-parents. If you want passion and sex, you will need to leave him and find it with another man. Stinks to face that choice. But that is where you are.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

badsanta said:


> You mentioned that he sometimes has trouble reaching orgasm, would you mind describing the dynamics of what happens when he experiences that?
> 
> I have a rather high level of desire compared to my wife and once had anxieties that caused me problems to climax. My wife would get upset with me and complain that it would be best if I did not even try to have sex with her unless I was really sure that I wanted it. That in turn made the problem even worse. We have since overcome that through communication and worked out a schedule for intimacy that helped get rid of my anxiety. ...anyway, problems reaching climax can be associated with anxiety and may not be that related to weight/hormones.
> 
> Badsanta


OK, probably way TMI, but you asked!

My husband never said anything about there being an issue (he never spoke about sex so not surprising), and with sex being pretty infrequent 5 years ago, I really didn't realize it. But when we started having more sex, I noticed he was not able to finish during intercourse. He never had a problem with maintaining an erection, but I would need to finish him by hand or oral since PIV just did not do it. And sometimes even oral or HJ did not do it either. I asked him how long he had been having problems with this, and he said something like it had been getting worse in the previous 5 years! I never knew other than thinking back that he had started to prefer HJs and BJs and avoiding PIV. And keep in mind, this is a guy who makes no noise during sex, so I hate to think of times I probably got worn out with PIV and stopped thinking he was done when he wasn't, and he just didn't say anything. 

Once I realized there was the issue, I didn't blame or try to make him feel bad or suggest we not try any more. But if you research about delayed ejaculation, it is often attributed to the husband's resentment of the wife. So I didn't feel too good about it either. And no matter what is said to the contrary, it is hard for a woman to not feel like she isn't enough when her husband can't finish. 

When we started to increase frequency of sex, there was a solid 2 years in there (2013-2014) where he was not able to finish by PIV. He said he had lost some sensation and even finishing by HJ or BJ was less of a bang. Again, this DE issue is something that I researched and sought solutions for. I now think it is strange that he wasn't freaking out over it and wanting to solve it (do guys not care if they finish?) Maybe he was and I didn't know, but he never even brought it up to me. I had to discover it during our renewed sex frequency. 

With weight loss and finding ways of ramping him up more before PIV (not assuming that an erection meant full arousal, that more was needed) seemed to have helped the issue, not perfectly, but enough. But there are only 2 positions for PIV that work for him finishing. Unfortunately, more recently I think that this issue is worsening again. It is again taking a lot more time and effort to get him there, and again PIV doesn't work that often any more. Sometimes, nothing gets him there and he gets too sore (even with lots of coconut oil).


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

wringo123 said:


> Is your relationship otherwise good? I am also in a complete sexless marriage (I'd be happy with once a month) and we currently sleep separate mostly due to snoring issues. His cpap broke and guess fixing it isn't worth the effort  . I have made a conscious effort to distance myself emotionally and that makes it easier to cope. I still enjoy his company and we have a lot in common and enjoy the same activities so I just more or less see him as a friend now.
> 
> I have pretty much fallen out of any kind of romantic love and frankly am not really attracted to him anymore that way. It still hurts knowing he never thought i was worth the effort, but getting to the point that its no longer worth it to me either makes it easier.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I am so sorry! I cannot imagine staying in a 100% completely sexless marriage. You must have your reasons to stay, but for me, that would almost make the decision easier. If he wasn't at least willing to maintain some intimacy, I would be gone immediately. 
@wringo123, I looked back at your previous threads. It looked like you were leaving. What changed your mind?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Let's assume that you actually want to be desired and want to have someone make love to you that is passionate and feels a yearning and urgency to ravage you. That is a fair and reasonable want and desire on your part. Don't apologize for it.

Now, accepting the assertion that you want to be wanted and desired, does it really make sense to threaten divorce or force him to go to therapy etc etc?

Let's also assume that you aren't morbidly obese, aren't filthy and smelly and do not mistreat, neglect or disrespect him in any way. 

So my point here is there really isn't anything you can do to change him into the lover that you want. And there's nothing fundamentally flawed with you. And this has been basically a 30 year process and you have discussed it and threatened and huffed and puffed for decades.

So why are we talking about having discussions with him or advising what to say to him or trying to drag him to doctors to inject chemicals into him or forcing him to bust his butt in the gym and eat a healthy diet in order for him to desire you and want to make love to you??????

Do you have any idea how many men in the world would crawl through broken glass and rusty thumbtacks to be with you???


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So let's talk actual nuts and bolts actions YOU can take here.

- option number one is suck it up and embrace sipping lemonade on the porch and watch the rest of the world live life. That's the path you are on currently with your woe-is-me attitude and talk of giving up. IMHO 55 is pathetically young to be considering that. I am 53 and I would have you tapping out and asking for water and trying to negotiate a few days off for recovery if you were with me. 

- Option #2 is divorcing. Yes that will have lawyer fees and court costs and you may not have someone in the house to talk about bills and the weather with every day. But your kids are grown and even though some may be technically legal minors and in the house, they don't need 24/7 hands on care by 2 parents. 

Is there any reason to believe that he would not be a cooperative, hands-on coparent after a divorce and any reason to believe that you two could not remain on friendly terms and that he wouldn't come out in the middle of the night and help you if you got a flat tire? How much would a divorce and living in two separate homes really hurt anyone???? Is there an actual reason divorce would be bad or harmful to anyone?

- Option 3 is some form of consensual open marriage arrangement where he agrees to look the other way if you take a lover or 2 or 3 on the side. If he doesn't desire you and doesn't really want to make love to you, will he really have a problem with you hooking up periodically with someone who does? 

Here is a little fact of life, men will come out of the woodwork and line up down the street to be FWBs with a married women who stays with her husband. You will actually have more opportunities for hot, monkey sex as a married woman than you would as a single woman on the traditional dating market. 

Men will be glad to take care of your sexual needs while he helps around the house, pays bills and changes your flat tire in the middle of the night. 

Will he actually have a problem with that? And if he balks at that idea, someone who does not want to take care of their spouses needs, really has no right to their partner's exclusivity. He has a right to pursue a celibate life if he wants, but he has no right to force you into a celibate lifestyle. 

- And Option 4 is getting your needs met without his knowledge or consent. Yes that is not the honorable and high road. But again, is it really any of his business if he is not wanting to provide that service? If he does not desire you and does not want to have a sex life with you, is it really any of his business what you do with your sexuality?

The Vatican will have to condem that, but the Vatican chooses to be celibate as a lifestyle choice. A spouse that denies you takes that choice away from you. 

I know you said that you "can't" do that. I unstated that. But you need to understand that some day, whether it be tomorrow or some time down the road, you will meet someone that catches your eye and they will be drawn to you as well. When that day happens, your "can't" will quickly turn into 'can't not.' 

Then you will have to chose between the 4 options, only at that time you will be having hormones surging through every cell of your body and you will feel like that horny college girl again. 

There is no easy, painless solution without its on set of pros and cons here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wife5362 said:


> I found TAM several years ago when googling "my husband doesn't want sex" or something like that. I had been struggling with this thought for much of our marriage (22 years at that time) although we rarely, if ever, had spoken about it. I just figured he was less focused on physical and more on intellectual aspects of life. I finally said something to him almost exactly 5 years ago (didn't sign up here until after well over a year of reading and lurking). I told him that we technically had a sexless marriage since we only had sex about once every month and it was starting to head to every 2 months at that time. He just responded "Oh, I didn't know you wanted it more often." That's enough to make a woman feel really desired! I guess wearing lingerie to bed, shaving or trimming privates was not enough to get the message across. Anyway, I started reading lots online, ordering books, sending him links, etc. I even directed him here once, although I doubt he Took more than a glance.
> 
> In the meantime, he suddenly lost his job about 4 years ago. It turned out that was the best thing that ever happened to us! He had great stress from that job, was always crabby, and often mean because of it. The job loss forced him to lose some weight and to reassess some things. At that time, he weighed 268. I weighed 122. We are both about 5'7" (him slightly over, me slightly under). And all his excess weight was around his middle. He has struggled with his weight most of his life, although he weighed about 150 lbs when we met and about 180 when we married. He has lost weight at times, but woukd typically gain it back eventually. I think he just had a very low libido most of our marriage with all that estrogen producing fat around his middle. But adding to that in recent years, he was suffering from delayed ejaculation (couldn't cum) which I did not even realize since we had sex so infrequently.
> 
> ...





Wife5362 said:


> I guess initially, i was giving him the idea that it was OK. But in the last 5 years, no I have told him outright that I am not pleased.
> 
> I will need to work through the resntment and find new interests. Our youngest graduates next year so that may be a time to really evaluate what I want for the remainder of my life.



You and I are the same, married to the same man, except our problem is not sex.

Your husband won't ever change. Ever. You need to understand that to the marrow of your bones. Not even after you leave, should you take that step will he see the light and learn to be someone or something he is not. 

His normal is disengagement. While he can pretend and put on show of effort, it is foreign to him and he cannot maintain it. Being keyed into you, your needs and desires is not something he can maintain.

If you have a way to support yourself I strongly encourage you to leave as soon as your youngest graduates. I would even go so far as to suggest you become a walk away wife because his short lived attempts at meeting your needs will only cause you to still be HERE 5, and 10, and 20 years from now.

Embrace the walk away wife label. It's in your best interest.


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Let's assume that you actually want to be desired and want to have someone make love to you that is passionate and feels a yearning and urgency to ravage you. That is a fair and reasonable want and desire on your part. Don't apologize for it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Your post shows that you have no idea what HRT is. It is replacing the same "chemicals" (most call them hormones) that your body produces naturally baring some medical issue. I can easily see and explain every symptom of her current problems with her husband with low T. The delayed ejaculation can be explained as well (more later)

I have dealt with low T for more than 10 years (approximately starting in 2004) but not finding out about the underlying cause until late 2015 and then starting treatment beginning 2016. Up until start of 2015 I had no problems keeping up with my wife in the bedroom but I knew there was something wrong and it was getting worse. Physically everything worked like it should but mentally was a different subject. It was me talking to a friend on HRT due to inoperable pituitary tumor that the mental aspect started making sense to me. 

There is no difference between OP description of her husband in his current state that she has provided so far that is inconsistent with my experiences except when it came time to do something about my problems. My wife was motivated to find a cause but I was more motivated than she was. I didn't care that I might be embarrassed describing all of my symptoms to my female dr. I laid it all out there and got the help I needed. I did not have anything wrong in my pituitary/thyroid system but rather do not produce the necessary T. 

As far as delayed ejaculation...that can happen for the reason you stated (resentment) it can also happen for me when my T levels are low and my reasoning is because of a mental aspect of arousal. Also sensitivity is muted but that might be another part of mental arousal. 

Most people cannot understand in a man the difference between the mental aspect of being aroused and the physical aspect because all his known life mental and physical arousal go together. When my T levels are correct, physical and mental arousal are paired back up again.

@oldshirt - I get that you want to commend the OP for wanting to be desired. No problem there but when she has already said there is an indication of a medical problem (with free T %) then maybe she should pursue that angle. 

She can either flush a man down the toilet because of a possible medical issue or spend 2 hours researching on a low-T forum and educate herself to help her life-long partner. If after educating he decides to not do anything about it then she can without guilt make an informed choice.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

On your future sex life, think again. In central Fl their is a retirement community, I believe is named century village. It has the highest STD rate in the nation. 

The only reason other then health I can think may possible for his actions is "good guys" don't lust. I dated a girl in the eighties. Her precious partner did not allow her to perform oral sex on him. A BJ from another woman was fine, even if she/my girl friend wanted to. I think a lot of guys have a form of reverse Madonna/***** point of view. To some degree I also held that view.

How to be bold but not an ******* was a question I struggled with. Reconciling with lusting and acting on it with a wife seemed at odds with valuing her a person. How would you respond if your husband said "I think you have a hot ass"? Would you throw him out?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

pbj2016 said:


> Your post shows that you have no idea what HRT is. It is replacing the same "chemicals" (most call them hormones) that your body produces naturally baring some medical issue. I can easily see and explain every symptom of her current problems with her husband with low T. The delayed ejaculation can be explained as well (more later)
> 
> I have dealt with low T for more than 10 years (approximately starting in 2004) but not finding out about the underlying cause until late 2015 and then starting treatment beginning 2016. Up until start of 2015 I had no problems keeping up with my wife in the bedroom but I knew there was something wrong and it was getting worse. Physically everything worked like it should but mentally was a different subject. It was me talking to a friend on HRT due to inoperable pituitary tumor that the mental aspect started making sense to me.
> 
> ...



Actually my wife was administer T injections following a uterine ablation several years ago and it was AWESOME!!! I'd just be minding my own business around the house and she would come in and start giving me a BJ for no reason. It was like living in a 70s porn movie so I do understand the impact that HRT can have. 

However there are a couple things to note here.

The main one being that this has always been an issue right from the start of their relationship 30 years ago.

If he were a tiger in bed and a normal healthy, virile man until recently and his drop in T correlated with his decrease in libido and he wanted to get his mojo back, I'd be the first in line to say GO FOR IT!

But he has always been like this. He has never been a tiger in the sack and has always been stuck in neutral and she has always been the one to make things happen in the bedroom. 

My point is still valid - does she want to haul him to doctors more less against his will to get pumped full of chemicals to make him desire her?

Many doctors are not keen on giving people hormones when they are still within what is considered a healthy and normal range because their partner is not satisfied with their sexual performance. 

They may be persuaded if the patient themselves state dissatisfaction and the patient themselves seek treatment for waning performance. But few doctors are going to do this because their spouse is *****ing. He sounds perfectly happy to not have a sex life (at least not with her). So the question for her is will she be ok with making him be injected with chemicals in order for him to feel desire for her?


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

JohnA said:


> On your future sex life, think again. In central Fl their is a retirement community, I believe is named century village. It has the highest STD rate in the nation.
> 
> The only reason other then health I can think may possible for his actions is "good guys" don't lust. I dated a girl in the eighties. Her precious partner did not allow her to perform oral sex on him. A BJ from another woman was fine, even if she/my girl friend wanted to. I think a lot of guys have a form of reverse Madonna/***** point of view. To some degree I also held that view.
> 
> *How to be bold but not an ******* was a question I struggled with. Reconciling with lusting and acting on it with a wife seemed at odds with valuing her a person. How would you respond if your husband said "I think you have a hot ass"? Would you throw him out?*


How would I react? I would love for him to say something like that to me! I would definitely not throw him out. Throw him down and have my way with him, yes, but not throw him out!


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Another concern with the hormone treatment is if his lack of desire for her is an attraction or a relationship issue, pumping him full of hormones may make him hornier than a three-balled Billy's goat, but it will be for the cute new secretary down in accounting or the MILF neighbor that likes to work in the yard in her bikini. 

Here's the difficult truth to swallow - if he desired her and innately wanted to have an active and vigorous sex life with her, he would seek out treatment and remedy for his waning libido and her growing discontentment. 

I am 53 and the effects of age are starting creep up on me. But I assure you if my performance started to impact my sex life and was starting to make my wife think about leaving me for some guy down the street; I would leave no stone unturned and no option unexplored. 

If I had to inject a maximum dose of Bonerall directly into my Johnson to get it up, I would.


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## Wife5362 (Oct 30, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> Actually my wife was administer T injections following a uterine ablation several years ago and it was AWESOME!!! I'd just be minding my own business around the house and she would come in and start giving me a BJ for no reason. It was like living in a 70s porn movie so I do understand the impact that HRT can have.
> 
> However there are a couple things to note here.
> 
> ...


The bolded is somewhat true but not entirely. He had enough desire to want to have sex once a week and be the initiator for the first several years. And I would say I followed his lead as a more traditional thinking girl at first. I would rarely turn him down, but we literally never discussed sex until about 5 years ago. I guess I always had doubts and questions but did not know how to ask or approach it. But once things got to once a month and after coming out of the fog of kids and it remaining at that low frequency, I realized I couldn't let it continue.

The more I look at T levels and symptoms of low T, I am convinced he may have always had a lower than average T level before hitting a low T level. His extreme difficulty losing weight, his moodiness, skin issues, his afternoon lows where he almost requires a nap seem to fit low T. He needs a different doctor. He seemed to have wanted to have something done before when he got those previous results, but that stupid doctor (family practice) said no, he was within the normal range. Kinda makes me made that it is obvious that the free T and % free T is not in the normal range, and yet that didn't matter? Why test it? Time to talk about retesting and seeing someone else.

Should he go to a urologist?


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## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Actually my wife was administer T injections following a uterine ablation several years ago and it was AWESOME!!! I'd just be minding my own business around the house and she would come in and start giving me a BJ for no reason. It was like living in a 70s porn movie so I do understand the impact that HRT can have.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



What I am going back to is the part where he lost weight. OP says "sex was great..." He is about 5'7 and 220 lbs. which is obese. Obesity can cause lower T levels as I said in a previous post. 

You guys saying he won't change might be right. I will not counter your experiences. They are as personal to you as mine is to me. But it might not be for the fact he won't change but rather can't change without intervention now. Is someone you've traveled with for 30 years worth the extra effort or inconvenience? 

In my case, weekly shots are more than worth it including any negative side effects. I'm throwing out an alternative viewpoint for the OP to consider.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Wife5362 said:


> OK, probably way TMI, but you asked!
> 
> My husband never said anything about there being an issue (he never spoke about sex so not surprising), and with sex being pretty infrequent 5 years ago, I really didn't realize it. But when we started having more sex, I noticed he was not able to finish during intercourse. He never had a problem with maintaining an erection, but I would need to finish him by hand or oral since PIV just did not do it. And sometimes even oral or HJ did not do it either. I asked him how long he had been having problems with this, and he said something like it had been getting worse in the previous 5 years! I never knew other than thinking back that he had started to prefer HJs and BJs and avoiding PIV. And keep in mind, this is a guy who makes no noise during sex, so I hate to think of times I probably got worn out with PIV and stopped thinking he was done when he wasn't, and he just didn't say anything.
> 
> ...


I would strongly recommend avoiding "goal-oriented sex" in favor of "emotional-bonding sex" in which achieving an orgasm is not important or perhaps you may even try purposely avoiding it. Do this for a while and think of it as a gentle and relaxed tantric sexual massage in which you each enjoy being aroused and gently touching each other with the gesture that "less is more."

Awkwardly enough you very well could be overstimulating his penis and making thing numb. Having to finish via oral or a handjob may be kind of like forcing it to happen which might not even be that pleasurable for him. 

Also as you get older sexual stimulation becomes way more powerful, but ONLY mentally so. So you may want to focus more on ways to stimulate him more mentally and less physically. The opposite is true as a teenager in that the mind is not yet that developed but physical stimulation for males just always seems to work, even if you thwack the penis with a a rolled up newspaper or something. The opposite happens as you get older as male sexuality becomes much more about mental stimulation and physical stimulation decreases in sensitivity. The culmination of this is that it actually is possible for him to find sex even more pleasurable as he gets older, but it is all in the mind. 

So if he is quiet during sex, that is not a good indication as he seems to be unable to communicate and/or be emotionally present during intimacy. So you need to work really hard on getting into his mind and place less attention on getting your hands into his pants. Let him focus his hands on you while you tease him perhaps that he may not get very much in return. The result is that you will start sending his mind into overdrive wanting and anticipating. Then once his urges reach a level of becoming uncontrollable, THEN and only THEN begin aggressive physical stimulation. Prior to that only be extremely gentle with him. Perhaps only touch him with the same amount of pressure that you would use to touch your eye as if trying to remove an eyelash. Think of oral the same way. Less is more! You want him wanting more which makes his mind goto work!  

Hope that helps,
Badsanta


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## xxxSHxYZxxx (Apr 1, 2013)

Sounds like your husband and my wife should get married. Unfortunately I'm going through the same issue however we're in our early 30's. 

The only thing I can suggest is sex therapy. Maybe they can help out. 

Sent from my SM-G928T using Tapatalk


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Wife5362 said:


> The bolded is somewhat true but not entirely. He had enough desire to want to have sex once a week and be the initiator for the first several years. And I would say I followed his lead as a more traditional thinking girl at first. I would rarely turn him down, but we literally never discussed sex until about 5 years ago. I guess I always had doubts and questions but did not know how to ask or approach it. But once things got to once a month and after coming out of the fog of kids and it remaining at that low frequency, I realized I couldn't let it continue.
> 
> The more I look at T levels and symptoms of low T, I am convinced he may have always had a lower than average T level before hitting a low T level. His extreme difficulty losing weight, his moodiness, skin issues, his afternoon lows where he almost requires a nap seem to fit low T. He needs a different doctor. He seemed to have wanted to have something done before when he got those previous results, but that stupid doctor (family practice) said no, he was within the normal range. Kinda makes me made that it is obvious that the free T and % free T is not in the normal range, and yet that didn't matter? Why test it? Time to talk about retesting and seeing someone else.
> 
> Should he go to a urologist?


I suspect a urologist will primarily be concerned if he has ED or is unable to ejaculate.

If he can get an erection and can achieve orgasm (even if manually) they will say he is fine. 

A family practice physician will likely say that lowered libido is a normal facet of aging and that his level is with expected range for his age and general state of health and will suggest other forms of physical intimacy like holding hands, cuddling, massage etc.

An internal medicine physician may be more included to do a comprehensive lab panel and be more willing to look at the bigger picture including evaluating any meds he may be on or other medical conditions and see if there is some tweeting and adjustments that can be done. 

But what I'd really reccomend is seeing an endocrinologist. They are the ones that really delve into mormonal and metabolic issues and are more aware of how hormonal and metobolic changes can affect a person.

Now even they will be hesitant to prescribe medications or treatments for someone falling into normal ranges that otherwise has no other health concerns or conditions. 

All of them will address the weight issue and few will recommend any medical treatments for low libido without first correcting the weight, exercise and diet issue.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

xxxSHxYZxxx said:


> Unfortunately I'm going through the same issue however we're in our early 30's.


Give it 3 months. If she won't provide more sex, file for divorce. Your future self will thank you.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Op: Google "asexual" and see if it rings any bells for you. 


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Also, if I were to answer the question of the topic, I would say "yesterday". 


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Wife5362 said:


> I am so sorry! I cannot imagine staying in a 100% completely sexless marriage. You must have your reasons to stay, but for me, that would almost make the decision easier. If he wasn't at least willing to maintain some intimacy, I would be gone immediately.
> 
> @wringo123, I looked back at your previous threads. It looked like you were leaving. What changed your mind?


I did leave for a while but outside circumstances conspired to make staying gone difficult. 

I remain mostly because I don't think I would be happier leaving and would be trading one set of problems for different ones. Despite the lack of physical intimacy, we do have a good relationship and there are things I do get from him that I am honestly afraid I would not be able to find from someone else. He really is the best friend I have ever had, and he has been there for me and supported me and my whole family in ways that very few other people would. That does mean something to me. 

I respect him, enjoy his company, depend on him in many ways. You could say I love him but am not in love with him and have decided to settle, which I am not particularly proud of. 



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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Wife5362 said:


> Testosterone Total	357	240 - 950 ng/dL
> Testosterone Free 6.18 - 30 ng/dL
> 
> Notice the free T and %T are below the normal range even though the Total is within the range. The dr still didn't want to treat. With mire weight loss, It was later slightly higer (415) with % free T still slightly lower than accepted (like 1.8%).


415 is great..... for an 80 year old man. Get a new doctor.

Anything below 600 you should be DEMANDING treatment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> *Here's the difficult truth to swallow - if he desired her and innately wanted to have an active and vigorous sex life with her, he would seek out treatment and remedy for his waning libido and her growing discontentment. *



This!

We used to have a member here haven't seen him around for a while @UMP who admitted his first marriage ended because he didn't want sex often. He said at the time he didn't understand why he didn't want sex while his wife always wanted sex. She finally left him. He met his second wife and he can't keep his hands off her. He said he didn't realize it at the time, but he simply wasn't physically attracted to his first wife. They got along great, were great friends, but he simply didn't feel sexual desire for her.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> We used to have a member here haven't seen him around for a while @UMP who admitted his first marriage ended because he didn't want sex often. He said at the time he didn't understand why he didn't want sex while his wife always wanted sex. She finally left him. He met his second wife and he can't keep his hands off her. He said he didn't realize it at the time, but he simply wasn't physically attracted to his first wife. They got along great, were great friends, but he simply didn't feel sexual desire for her.


We can speculate all day. The truth is ONLY he knows why.

Maybe it is a simple low T problem.

Maybe he's not attracted to his wife.

Maybe he just faps way too much to porn.

It could be any or all of those reasons. Bottom line.

Wifey needs to get him to DEAL with the problem.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BetrayedDad said:


> Wifey needs to get him to DEAL with the problem.


This is kinda what I was getting at earlier -

- is it really her place to get him to "deal with it" which is basically making him change into someone else?

Or does SHE need to deal with it?

Her options for dealing with it are sucking it up and living with who and what he is.

Leaving and finding someone else.

Reaming in the marriage and finding someone else to take of those needs with his consent.

Or getting those needs met by someone without his consent.


But no matter how you slice it, people really can't change other people. 

They sometimes can influence them through their own actions. He maybe influenced into taking definitive action if she starts doing other people or leaves. But she cannot make him change if he doesn't innately want to on his own.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> This is kinda what I was getting at earlier -
> 
> - is it really her place to get him to "deal with it" which is basically making him change into someone else?
> 
> ...


I'm in a situation similar but it's not just about the sex... Basically he is telling me that it is MY problem and to deal with it because he will not change. He is who he is!! BUT if he cared enough about me and our relationship as a couple he would make an effort and at least TRY. I'm more than willing to change and grow if I need too.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

cc48kel said:


> I'm in a situation similar but it's not just about the sex... Basically he is telling me that it is MY problem and to deal with it because he will not change. He is who he is!! BUT if he cared enough about me and our relationship as a couple he would make an effort and at least TRY. I'm more than willing to change and grow if I need too.


When someone comes right out and says they aren't going to change for you, it's a very simple equation - are you willing to accept the current status quo as your reality?


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## Tyvinjoot (Jul 13, 2017)

A marriage without sex is a nightmare! I totally agree with this, my wife and I always had a fight when I refuse to set sex intercourse with her, or she is always not in the mood if she doesn't get a sex within a week or 2.
I use to understand the needs of sex in marriage even to the busiest of your days.
That way giving what each others needs make a healthy relationship.


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