# Deep depression because of the relationship



## Francis Brant (Nov 13, 2017)

I hope that I have chosen the right category.

So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me. I had a rather sad childhood. Time at the university also passed by. Now I'm on my feet, earning above average, I moved to live alone. But I'm not happy. I feel that some very important part of life passed me by. I'm gnawing envy from the inside of those who had many girls in their youth. I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. It's depressing to think how far behind them I am. And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## Francis Brant (Nov 13, 2017)

Slartibartfast said:


> If people just were born knowing how to solve their head problems, there wouldn't be any, but a substantial percentage of people are messed up, so it's obviously not something a lot of people can fix all by themselves.
> 
> The good news is you're not just congenitally insane, and this can be pretty well fixed. But you need to know how to do it, and that's what good psychologists and therapists are for. They're not plumbers. They don't fix what's broke. They and you, together, using their knowledge and experience, discover what's going on and how to get back to a balanced state. It works. It really, really does. You don't just drop in and leave with a prescription for you life. It takes a while. Who can say how long. Maybe months. Maybe a couple of years.
> 
> ...



I really want to believe that I can handle my problems. But I absolutely do not know from which end to get to them. I went to a psychologist after parting with my only girlfriend. I would not say that it really helped. I began to feel a little better with time, but I'm not sure that it is a merit of a psychologist. It seems to me that relief came when I eventually moved to another city.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

You haven't said how long you were with your girlfriend and how active you were. If your relationship was short term and you had sex once or twice that is one thing. If you were together for much longer and were sexually active that is a whole different issue. Without knowing it is kind of difficult to know where to begin.


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## DaveinOC (Oct 15, 2017)

Francis Brant said:


> I hope that I have chosen the right category.
> 
> So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me. I had a rather sad childhood. Time at the university also passed by. Now I'm on my feet, earning above average, I moved to live alone. But I'm not happy. I feel that some very important part of life passed me by. I'm gnawing envy from the inside of those who had many girls in their youth. I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. It's depressing to think how far behind them I am. And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


Hmm it's kinda weird, I was on the same boat as you until mid 20s, and once I had my first gf (my current wife), everything changed after that. I quickly got over that inner fear of rejection or incompetency and became confident to a point that I felt like I could get any woman I wanted. While I was dating my wife, I had numerous friends and coworkers, with whom I had interaction that could be seen as flirting and at that time I was pretty damn sure wouldve progressed further if I pursued it. I guess for me, having my first gf was the turning point in my life that I broke out of my shell. You sound like how I was BEFORE I met my wife. I literally had to force myself to quit being so timid and made it a personal goal to just strike up conversation with anyone I come across regardless of how uncomfortable it was. Are you overweight by any chance? I think that was a huge deterrent for me.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## 482 (Mar 14, 2017)

Francis Brant said:


> I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. It's depressing to think how far behind them I am. And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


You have issues with self confidence. Confidence is sexy to a woman. Maybe they can sense this. Men are confident. I don't think its from the number of partners. I know many men who have had one or very few partners and are quite confident. Some of these men are best selling authors of books dedicated to topics that could help you. Lets me give this example;

You walk up to a beautiful woman and ask her out on a date. She says yes. Things go well enough that she agrees to give you another. Things become sexual. She has no idea that you have only had one partner in the past because you have not yet discussed this. What would make her feel like you are not a man or are not worthy of her time? *Your confidence level and her perceiving you as a weak man.* It is not hard for her to figure this out if you have not done the work on your self to first know what must be done. Next take this new knowledge and fake it till you make it. Last step is no longer faking it because you are actually a strong and confident man. Your still young so you have lots of time to fix this. Good luck!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Welcome to TAM, I’m very sorry to hear about your emotional termoil. Keep working on improving yourself.

As a woman who married the first time at 20 as a virgin, I understand where you are coming from.
If I had encountered you in the dating world after my divorce, your inexperience and low number would have been EXTREMELY appealing to me. You haven’t met the right woman yet. She’s out there, and she is phenomenal...go find her.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Francis Brant said:


> I hope that I have chosen the right category.
> 
> So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me. I had a rather sad childhood. Time at the university also passed by. Now I'm on my feet, earning above average, I moved to live alone. But I'm not happy. I feel that some very important part of life passed me by. I'm gnawing envy from the inside of those who had many girls in their youth. I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. It's depressing to think how far behind them I am. And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


The problem as I see it is that you are self-centered and you see life as happening to you rather than recognizing that you are in this place due to the choices that you make, including the choice of what kind of attitude you will have. Life is not passing you by. You are living it, but you are not connecting with people and building healthy relationships.

In order build healthy relationship, you have to care about other people. It's not all about you and getting laid. You aren't going to be desirable unless you have something to offer.

If you want to be attractive, think about what kind of woman you would like to build a relationship with. What does she look like? How does she dress? How would you think that a man you would see her with would dress and what kind of attitude would he have? Would he treat her well and expect to be treated well too? Would she take good care of herself? What do you do to take good care of yourself? Do you eat well and workout? Are you interesting? Can you carry on a conversation? Do you talk to people with the goal of learning about them as a person and enjoying their company or are you trying to impress people and self-focused waiting for your turn in the conversation?


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

Statistically 40% of unmarried men under the age of 42 cannot hold a job and live on their own, pay their bills, in short they are not functioning adults. How many women do you think want to date a man who lives home with his Mommy. So you are on your own, have your own place, own a can, not on drugs or an alcoholic.....
Now how and where do you meet women.......? There are dating sites and also meetup groups. You should get involved in something that attracts single women, one of the best places is structured dance classes. Ballroom attracts an older crowd but Salsa is pretty hot in most cities. Also Swing classes or if you are in the south Shag which is a type of swing. Women don’t care how good you are but they do appreciate the effort. Check it out, 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Francis Brant said:


> I hope that I have chosen the right category.
> 
> So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me. I had a rather sad childhood. Time at the university also passed by. Now I'm on my feet, earning above average, I moved to live alone. But I'm not happy. I feel that some very important part of life passed me by. I'm gnawing envy from the inside of those who had many girls in their youth. I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. It's depressing to think how far behind them I am. And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


Sleeping with a lot of people isn't the solution. If you need a confidence boost, then start working out aggressively till you're in great shape. Your confidence will increase dramatically.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Francis Brant said:


> I hope that I have chosen the right category.
> 
> So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me.
> 
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Francis Brant said:


> I hope that I have chosen the right category.
> 
> So, I'm 32 years old, not married. For all my life I had only one woman. I mean, in bed. And it's fkng depressing me. I had a rather sad childhood. Time at the university also passed by. Now I'm on my feet, earning above average, I moved to live alone. But I'm not happy. I feel that some very important part of life passed me by. I'm gnawing envy from the inside of those who had many girls in their youth. I do not think that I look awful. Rather medium, normal. But all these complexes interfere with the normal communication with women. It seems to me that they feel my inexperience. *It's depressing to think how far behind them I am.* And because of this I can not step over myself and my internal problems. I want to be perceived as a man. I want to be desirable. But I feel that I am not worthy. I do not know how to get out of this vicious circle and now I'm looking for your advice.


Couple of things Francis Brant:

1. It is not a race or competition so see who gets how many in the sack. I can count the amount of women I have had sex with on one hand. It does not include all the fingers either. 

2. The sexual experience, to be honest, if a date was sexually versed like a porn star I would be very leery. But that is just me. 

Confidence bring desirability. Get to the gym and work out.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I think its great that you have only had one sexual partner. Many women would really love that. I love that my husband has only had sex with me and his first wife. Its means such a lot to me, and it shows that you connect sex with a loving relationship, and not see it as just a casual thing. 

You need to get out there and meet people. Join clubs, do hobbies, sports, volunteer work. The more you do and the more people you meet, the more confident you will get.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

CynthiaDe said:


> The problem as I see it is that you are self-centered and you see life as happening to you rather than recognizing that you are in this place due to the choices that you make, including the choice of what kind of attitude you will have. Life is not passing you by. You are living it, but you are not connecting with people and building healthy relationships.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Yes!!!!! This is 100% right on!


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

Believe it or not depression is a mental choice. Your well being is your control act happy be happy refuse to be sad things will follow. People are depressed cause they don't take control in their inner thoughts. Your thoughts are not running wild you have to put control on it because you are the the master that control these thoughts. Be happy be content in life everything else will follow.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

From your post, I'm going to conclude your biggest problem is going to be trying too quickly to get women in bed and looking needy in the process. Self confidence is something built on successes but if youre breathing and have a job there's a bigger inventory of women that would be willing to date you than you can accommodate during a 7 day week. The suggestion of attending dance classes is excellent. There are many single classes in churches and other places.  Keep one thing in mind; you're going to get turned down when asking for dates. (Think of it like seeking a job.) Start out lite and easy like asking her out for coffee or lunch. If she makes up an excuse not to go and she does not suggest an alternative plan, she's not interested. Don't waste any more time and make this a rule. Little is sadder than a guy continuously chasing and pining over a chick that doesn't want to go out with him. Stay in you league with women and away from the high maintenance hot gorgeous chick. In my fifty plus years experience "knowing" women, the average girl makes a better date, girlfriend, and wife as well as being a better lover during all three of these phases.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Spicy said:


> Welcome to TAM, I’m very sorry to hear about your emotional termoil. Keep working on improving yourself.
> 
> As a woman who married the first time at 20 as a virgin, I understand where you are coming from.
> *If I had encountered you in the dating world after my divorce, your inexperience and low number would have been EXTREMELY appealing to me. You haven’t met the right woman yet. She’s out there, and she is phenomenal...go find her.*


I've only been with 1 man... I prefer men who don't find it a goal in life to sleep with a bunch of women... but find a loving lasting life partner...I would feel these make the best husbands. I married one of those.. I do find him rare... but love him all the more for it. 

I realize due to cultural changes, the prevalence of casual sex..now people feel shamed for not having many partners...

I wish it wasn't so... this is an awful pressure for many men today...


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