# New partner doesn't like my son



## OMGWHATNEXT

Background: My ex left me for another man and took her 2 kids and our son after 14 years of marriage. We were finally divorced (absolute) 8 months ago. I treated her two kids as my own.

About a year and a half ago I met my new partner, she helped me through my divorce, she also help me do something that, I still struggle with, she showed me that my ex's two kids only wanted to see me if money was involved, I removed the money have they didn't want to see me, I was heart broken, but I have since moved on.

I see my son one evening a week and every other weekend, my girlfriend and him used to get on great, but my son a typical teenager he doesn't clean his room, he sulks when you ask him to do anything, leaves a trail of mess about the place and only wants to do what he wants and wants it now. My girlfriend is always on his and my case (to tell him off/get him to tidy up). I feel that I'm constantly telling him to tidy up (when she give me the look), so much so that he doesn't want to come round, he's fed up of me and my girlfriend nagging him.

This is causing a massive rift between my girlfriend and I, who is amazing in almost every way, but she can't give the kid a break, everything is black or white, he's either doing it right or not, the arguments between is are driving me insane.

Ive suggested that I see him alone, but thats wrong cause we should solve it together, she has now got so fed up that she is refusing to do anything for or with him and that includes ever talking to him. I'm at my whits end, I love my son and I have the most amazing girlfriend but I can't get the two to work togther in my life, help !!!!


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## OMGWHATNEXT

Extra: My girlfriend an I are looking to buy a house together, she said tonight that he will not have a room in our house, he can stay but not have his own room, the poor kid is still struggling with the divorce.


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## Tikii

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> Extra: My girlfriend an I are looking to buy a house together, she said tonight that he will not have a room in our house, he can stay but not have his own room, the poor kid is still struggling with the divorce.


That right there would be enough for me to tell her to pack up and have a nice life. He is your child, he should feel like your home is his. It sounds like she is methodically pushing your son out of your life, so she has you to herself. She sounds extremely selfish, and certainly not someone I would want to own a home with. 

Your son will always be your son, she may not always be in your life. To me, honestly it sounds like she chased off your exs kids, and is now working on your own child. Did you think that maybe she purposely pushed your exs kids out of your life?


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## OMGWHATNEXT

Tikii: I have thought the same, but she is amazing, apart from the issue with my son. When he's not here, which he won't be as much as he gets older, my girlffriend and I have the most wonderful time together, I don't want to loose that, but at the same time I'm not loosing my son either, I'm stuck, I hate ultimatums!


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## Twofaces

Dump her selfish ass. Look at the message your sending your child. Dont screw him up for life, which is what you will do if you choose her over him. And that IS what youbwould be doing choosing her over him. She sounds very sekfisg and mean and potentially abusive. 

What will her next demand be??? 

You will regret this for sure if you go through with this. 

You are his FATHER. She can be replaced with a rhousand others. 

Think about it.

Just read your post. Your right he wont be there as much but he will feel UNWELCOME in your home and he will know you chose some broad over him. Put yourself in his shoes. Theres no puzzy in the world good enough to lose your son over. 

Please dont ban me. Please.


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## Tikii

The fact that she is giving you an ultimatum is a red flag in itself. She should get along with and make an effort to make your children a part of her life, if she is going to be a part of yours. Your son will always be your son, no matter how old he is. You are telling your son that he isn't as important as some women, and that's a horrible thing to hear.


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## Coffee Amore

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> Tikii: I have thought the same, but she is amazing, apart from the issue with my son. When he's not here, which he won't be as much as he gets older, my girlffriend and I have the most wonderful time together, I don't want to loose that, but at the same time I'm not loosing my son either, I'm stuck, I hate ultimatums!


She's not amazing from what you've wrote. It's like a woman saying "he's amazing except for those times that he calls me nasty names." Amazing people don't do things like that.

Your son is your flesh and blood. He's your offspring. He will *always *be your son even when you're dead or he's dead. Your girlfriend on the other hand has a much weaker connection to you. She may be gone in a few weeks or months. She's just a woman you enjoy spending time with, but guess what..there are billions of people on this planet, likely she's not the only one with whom you could have a relationship with. You're seriously jeopardizing your lifelong relationship with your child by enabling your girlfriend's whims. 

I really feel bad for your son. Truly, I do. I was lucky enough to grow up in a stable nuclear family, but the teen years were still a period of great angst and turmoil even in the best of circumstances.

Your girlfriend not allowing your son a room in the house you'll buy is crazy. How is that going to make him feel? Please, stop and think about how this is affecting him. I know teenagers have all the warmth of a lone wolf, but that's all an act. Inside they're going through a very insecure period in their lives. They are very sensitive even when they pretend not to be. It's bad enough he has to deal with the divorce, but now you're treating him like leftovers from two days ago. I'm sure he feels loved and supported.


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## lovingsummer

I agree with the other posters. What would happen if something happened to his Mom? (hate to think that  ) Then your child would be with full time and not have a room? 

It's bad enough that he only gets to see his Dad one night a week and every other weekend. My son is 17 and he's told me since he was 7 or 8 (when his friend's parents got divorced) "if you and Dad ever get a divorce, I'm living with him." My H and I just told him, if that ever happened, we would decide what is the best for him. My son adores his Dad (still gives attitude, blah blah) but his Dad is his hero.

You and your gf should have established the ground rules prior to your son coming over. Pick up after yourself, have your room clean, etc. or this will happen. Then you be the one to enforce it. 

I could care less is my teens have their room clean, I just shut the door. But I don't pick up after them, they do chores to help clean the house everyday or they don't watch TV, video games, etc. I tell them when I'm doing laundry, if their clothes don't make it to the washer, they go without.

Please do the right thing by your son, you only have such a short time with them as it is.


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## somethingelse

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> Extra: My girlfriend an I are looking to buy a house together, she said tonight that he will not have a room in our house, he can stay but not have his own room, the poor kid is still struggling with the divorce.


My advice is to either clean up after your son yourself, to keep the tension from building...or if you don't want to clean up after him, then you have to take on the task of enforcing the rules and disciplining him yourself so that he will clean up his own stuff. It shouldn't be left on your GF's shoulders to be the bad guy.


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## Twofaces

somethingelse said:


> My advice is to either clean up after your son yourself, to keep the tension from building...or if you don't want to clean up after him, then you have to take on the task of enforcing the rules and disciplining him yourself so that he will clean up his own stuff. It shouldn't be left on your GF's shoulders to be the bad guy.




Yes, but if she hates him, he will feel that hate and feel unwanted and unwelcome and know his father picked the broad over

My statement stands. 

Dump this chick. Or at the bery least, do NOT move in together.


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## costa200

Two things, don't let your new partner dictate the relationship you get to have with your son, and enforce rules yourself so that she doesn't have that excuse. 

And the room thing... It's rough. She does seem like she wants the kid out of the way.


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## golfergirl

costa200 said:


> Two things, don't let your new partner dictate the relationship you get to have with your son, and enforce rules yourself so that she doesn't have that excuse.
> 
> And the room thing... It's rough. She does seem like she wants the kid out of the way.


Trust me - if the room was hospital clean, she'd have a new issue. It's not 'him', it's the fact he exists. Dump this selfish little girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse

Twofaces said:


> Yes, but if she hates him, he will feel that hate and feel unwanted and unwelcome and know his father picked the broad over
> 
> My statement stands.
> 
> Dump this chick. Or at the bery least, do NOT move in together.



Who said she hates him? Sounds to me that she is frustrated with his son not picking up after himself and it's causing her to lose her patience. 

She got along swell with his son until he started taking advantage of the situation and stopped cleaning up. Unless she had disliked him from the get-go and always was on his case...I still stand by what I say. 

Get your son to start taking some responsibility for his mess, and stop leaving it up to your GF. Less tension, and GF will feel happier with the situation, thus, less fights and life moves on.


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## sharkeey

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> she showed me that my ex's two kids only wanted to see me if money was involved, I removed the money have they didn't want to see me, I was heart broken, but I have since moved on.


Huh? Sounds like she helped you out there but it's impossible to determine exactly what you're trying to say there it's so garbled.



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> I see my son one evening a week and every other weekend


Got it. You're a carnival dad, you only see him occasionally, you're afraid to be firm with him and show discipline otherwise he won't visit, so you let him step all over you.



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> my girlfriend and him used to get on great, but my son a typical teenager he doesn't clean his room, he sulks when you ask him to do anything, leaves a trail of mess about the place and only wants to do what he wants and wants it now.


I can see why this would bother her. She's gotta clean up his mess (or at least she will when and if you move in together), and he's totally taking advantage and being nothing more than a lazy selfish pig and you let him do it because you only see him once in a while and you're afraid to piss him off. Guess what? He knows this and he's enjoying crapping all over you. 



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> My girlfriend is always on his and my case (to tell him off/get him to tidy up). I feel that I'm constantly telling him to tidy up (when she give me the look), so much so that he doesn't want to come round, he's fed up of me and my girlfriend nagging him.


He doesn't want to come around because *gasp* he's being asked to clean up after himself?! Oh the nerve of your girlfriend to ask your grown son to act responsibly! 



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> This is causing a massive rift between my girlfriend and I, who is amazing in almost every way


She sounds great. Too bad you're going to lose her and be left with a son who has really gained way too much power and has now come between his dad and his dad's girlfriend. 



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> but she can't give the kid a break


What is she doing that is "not giving him a break"? We already covered cleaning up after himself. What else?



OMGWHATNEXT said:


> she is refusing to do anything for or with him and that includes ever talking to him.


Ok that's a bit weird. She refuses to speak to him. Maybe something else is going on behind the scenes here?

As far as the obvious goes, tell your son that when and if he comes to visit he's gotta pick up after himself, is that really so difficult?


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## lovingsummer

Also, I would add (since you didn't state how old your son is) maybe 13/14? This is the age when my teens started the typical teen crap... plus you're adding on that he is dealing with his parents divorcing and rules changing (unless you and your ex have continued the same rules)... 

The rules need to be established and consistent enforcement of them. You and your gf need to come to an agreement and *compromise* what they will be. Then it's your responsibility to enforce those rules without her saying anything. 

You can't let him be disrespectful and not following rules because his parents are going through a divorce and he's going through a hard time. This is not the way the real world works (if you get pulled over for speeding, you can't tell the cop, oh I had a really bad day and I'm having a hard time) you will still most likely get a ticket because you didn't follow the speed limit. So don't parent out of guilt and allow him "manipulate" the situation... you make me clean... I just won't come over so there.... 

It is your son and he may or may not think the world of you as my son does his Dad... My H works out of town and this was VERY hard on my son, he would cry for the first 3 days he was gone (when he was 12-13). I felt heartbroken for our son but I didn't take any grief from him and the rules still applied.

I do stand firm that he needs his own room at your house. If your gf is not willing to compromise (everything has to be done HER way) then you have a whole other issue to deal with there.


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## luvintokyo

You should ask her if she will get rid of her own son if he does what your son is doing presently or work with him. If she can truthfully answer yes then I guess she will. Even if she will you still have to decide what to do with this lady who appears ready to clean up all the relationships you had before, ex wife, stepkids and now your own son. I say its definitely worth a thot, who and what is next????


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## MattMatt

She is amazing, despite the fact that she seems to hate your son?

It's possible she would hate your son even if he was a saint! (He reminds you of your ex-wife, and that is why your children must go!)

This is like the mother of a killer saying: "Well, despite the fact he has killed 20 people, he's still a good person at heart!"


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## *LittleDeer*

I can see this from both sides.

I have children who are being step parented and I am a step parent for the first time.

It is very hard to mesh two households together.

However, your son should never ever be marginalised in your house, should all ways be welcome and have a room to stay in.

However he should be expected to do some things around the house and clean up after himself. But you need to enforce that and deal with him in that regard totally. You need to step up and take care of it. 

Your girlfriend needs to back off and and be welcoming and kind to your son, and your son respectful to your girl friend. If she has issues she needs to raise it when your son is not around, but you need to make this easy for her. But don't be ridiculously hard on your son either.

I am very alarmed that she has also helped you realise that your step children were using you. Are you sure about that? Because teenagers are notoriously selfish and short sited. Just saying.

Also make sure you are not being walked all over in the relationship. That is very important. 

If your girlfriend doesn't like that your son will all ways be in your life, get rid of her.


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## DDC

Tikii said:


> That right there would be enough for me to tell her to pack up and have a nice life. He is your child, he should feel like your home is his. It sounds like she is methodically pushing your son out of your life, so she has you to herself. She sounds extremely selfish, and certainly not someone I would want to own a home with.
> 
> Your son will always be your son, she may not always be in your life. To me, honestly it sounds like she chased off your exs kids, and is now working on your own child. Did you think that maybe she purposely pushed your exs kids out of your life?


I agree. I would strongly recommend you start setting some boundaries and tell her that you don't want to hear her harping/nagging on your son during the extremely limited time you have together.

If he's overtly disrespectful to her, that's something different, but he has a lot to deal with in his life without the stress and disharmony nitpicking causes. 

He has limited time with you - make it count. And for the odd weekend and ONE weekday night he's there, it should be ALL about you two connecting. During this period, she should ABSOLUTELY come second. If she can't handle this, then she shouldn't be a with a man who has children. That simple.


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## justwhy

She is jealous of the attention you give your son.. A role of a step-parent is to make the step-kid feel comfortable and be friendly. She should not have no input. Majority of teenages keep a messy room. Does she have kids?


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## Miss Taken

> she also help me do something that, I still struggle with, she showed me that my ex's two kids only wanted to see me if money was involved, I removed the money have they didn't want to see me, I was heart broken, but I have since moved on.


This may or may not have been "help". How old were those kids? If they were teenagers, well - kids are selfish like that so you can't expect them to put the same amount of initiative/selflessness on a relationship. People are usually pretty selfish when it comes to maintaining relationships until they reach adulthood. As an adult who is more mature and experienced with relationship, initiating contact/maintaining a relationship should be mostly your job. It could have been "help" but it could also be your girlfriend trying to keep you all to herself and get rid of anyone else that takes your time/attention away from her.



> I see my son one evening a week and every other weekend, my girlfriend and him used to get on great, but my son a typical teenager he doesn't clean his room, he sulks when you ask him to do anything, leaves a trail of mess about the place and only wants to do what he wants and wants it now. My girlfriend is always on his and my case (to tell him off/get him to tidy up). I feel that I'm constantly telling him to tidy up (when she give me the look), so much so that he doesn't want to come round, he's fed up of me and my girlfriend nagging him.
> 
> This is causing a massive rift between my girlfriend and I, who is amazing in almost every way, but she can't give the kid a break, everything is black or white, he's either doing it right or not, the arguments between is are driving me insane.


As the parent of an older child, it is entirely your responsibility to parent your child. Expecting her to enforce the rules or even creating a situation where she feels she needs to nag him, parent him or get on his case is totally unfair on the BOTH of them. You and your girlfriend should have a talk about rules and expectations of your son (when son isn't home) and both agree on what is and isn't acceptable and what consequences will be. You in turn should be the only one enforcing said consequences. No wonder she resents him. It's not her job but you're putting it on her. She's not his mother and you're letting her scold him and that's also unfair to him. You're the dad, you enforce the rules and consequences. Yes, teenagers sulk, forget and are lazy but this bothers your girlfriend and you should set rules and expecations on your son and enforce them as the dad.

Additionally, you need to have a heart-to-heart talk with your son and tell him what is expected (the rules and consequences you and your g/f have decided on together) when he's in your home. It needs to sound like it's coming from you however and you need to follow through with it when he's there.




> Extra: My girlfriend an I are looking to buy a house together, she said tonight that he will not have a room in our house, he can stay but not have his own room, the poor kid is still struggling with the divorce.


As you've already been told, this is totally unacceptable. You need to put your foot down or she can GTFO. Your son deserves to have a room and feel like he belongs in his father's house. If you take her side on this issue, you will be failing your son. 

I am not sure if your girlfriend is as great as you think. She sounds manipulative and possessive but on the other hand, she could just be resenting having to chase around and parent your son. You need to step it up when it comes to enforcing the rules and disciplining your son/making him clean up because it's not fair to either of them that you're making her parent him.


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## Advocado

Whether or not you stay with your girlfriend, your son needs to respect your home and take resonsibility for clearing up after himself. 
How to Deal with Disrespectful Teenagers


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## Mizpah

Honestly, she should hit the road. It's fair of her to expect a certain respect from your son, but to say he can't have his own room in what would be your new home is not right, and if you continue down this road, you are going to lose your son. 

I don't believe that kids should ALWAYS come first. By Christian design it should be God, spouse, then children despite what our society says. That does not mean to neglect them, but the divorce rate would be lower if marriage was given more precedence. I digress, my point is, in second marriages (or dating as the case is for you) your kids MUST come first. To let a significant other place an ultimatum between you and your child shows a lack of priority on your part, and I don't mean that to be harsh.


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## CandieGirl

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> *I see my son one evening a week and every other weekend, my girlfriend and him used to get on great, but my son a typical teenager he doesn't clean his room, he sulks when you ask him to do anything, leaves a trail of mess about the place and only wants to do what he wants and wants it now. My girlfriend is always on his and my case (to tell him off/get him to tidy up). I feel that I'm constantly telling him to tidy up (when she give me the look), so much so that he doesn't want to come round, he's fed up of me and my girlfriend nagging him.*
> 
> 
> *This is causing a massive rift between my girlfriend and I, who is amazing in almost every way, but she can't give the kid a break, everything is black or white, he's either doing it right or not, the arguments between is are driving me insane.**
> Ive suggested that I see him alone, but thats wrong cause we should solve it together, she has now got so fed up that she is refusing to do anything for or with him and that includes ever talking to him. I'm at my whits end, I love my son and I have the most amazing girlfriend but I can't get the two to work togther in my life, help !!!!*


I can sympathize with your GF somewhat, but she has no business trying to parent your child, and then getting mad because he doesn't want to listen to her. That part, is up to you. 

My H has 2 sons from his first marriage, and they are sullen, moody, and selfish. He only hears from them when it's time for birthday gifts, Christmas presents, or other monetary handouts. Otherwise, it's no contact.

Do you know what I do about it? Nothing. I stay out of it. Nothing can be gained by me sticking my oar in. It's rare, but when they do come visit us and live like pigs, I tell their father and let him deal with it. If they're rude and insolent, I tell their father and let him deal with it. That's what your GF should be doing.


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## ranaz2

Blended families are most often complicated situations so this is actually normal. If your son is still dealing with the divorce, this resistance to your gf may just be one way he's doing it. So try to help him deal with all of his feelings about the divorce first. Regarding house rules, yeah, he has to follow them and she gets to help set them. She may have gotten sucked into a power struggle and is fixating on a certain standard as a way to prove her authority in the home so it is an unfortunate dance - he tries to dismiss her, she tries to exert power. At the end of the day, he needs to keep his room clean and he can't get away with disrespecting her. And when she sees that he's complying and you are supporting her, she is likely to lay off. Maybe talk with her about not focusing on every speck of dust and that kind of stuff - but support her in that she needs to see that your son is complying for the most part. I know things are heated right now, but this can be fixed in my opinion  Oh - and he absolutely gets a room in your house....that is non-negotiable. She has gone to an extreme b/c she feels out of control but you need to talk with her about HOW the three of you can co-exist in the house, not IF when it comes to your child. (But the son's issues need to be addressed and his problems with the divorce cannot be allowed to set the tone of the house.)


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## indiecat

I think you should tell your gf that your son WILL have a room at the new house. I would insist on this if I were you, it's cruel otherwise. If she can't deal with a kid having a room then you should tell her that as much as you love her, it's a deal breaker for you. It's the only way to have peace of mind. If she is amazing she will concede to this out of respect for your wishes.


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## Woodchuck

The way she is treating your son is the way she will treat you.
I will not say she shouldn't be upset about you'r sons behavior, it is her inability to cut him some slack that would be the deal breaker. 

Telling you your son won't have a room in your house is way out of line on her part. If you don't see red flags, step back and give your relationship another look.

I don't think I would even give her an opportunity to rethink her position, this would be a deal breaker for me...


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## Gaia

No woman should ever make a man choose between her or his offspring. That's my opinion. Of course kids... especially teens will act up in divorce cases... and I do agree... she should really cut him some slack. She is not his mother and as a teen he will certainly despise her even more for being so overbearing and controlling.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

The teenage years are definitely the toughest. You are in a tough spot. We expect our children to help out with the house chores, that's including keeping their bedroom clean. We expect clean bedrooms since they have friends over every weekend. However, I'm married and my husband and I have the same views on discipline and what we expect from our children.

My oldest daughter was from a previous marriage. My husband took her in as his own when she was 6 and did a very fine job raising her. He was the one who mostly disciplined her. We were always right there making sure she turned her homework in every single day. One of us had to sit with her to get it done, otherwise she'd screw off and not do it. She was not an easy child to raise, but we did it and are extremely proud of her.

Jumping in a new relationship when your son is going through the teen years is very tough on all of you, especially your son. At least your gf is going to you directly and not your son. However, you have the ultimate say in his discipline actions and what he needs to do around the home. Divorce is very hard on the children. Even when you divorce when they are young. I see a big difference in attitude with my oldest vs my younger two. It's a huge adjustment and you need to find a good balance. Talk with your gf and find a compromise. Maybe let him keep his room messy and have him pick up everywhere else. 

It's very difficult to constantly pick up after children that are old enough to pick up after themselves. I have 2 children still living at home with one that leaves a trail where ever she was at. I'm always telling her to pick up her things. Sometimes I have to remind her a few times.

Good luck. I hope you find a solution.


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## galian84

Yes, teenagers (and to some extent, young adults as well) are notoriously selfish. Case in point, I see this even with my own family. I personally try to keep in touch with my parents / family as much as I can to update them on my life, but I don't know many friends/family who do that.

However, my brother, who is 24, and my younger cousin, who is about 25, only call when they want something...money, gifts, you name it. Otherwise, no contact as well. So I'm just saying, I'm not sure if your girlfriend "helped" you by seeing that his ex-stepkids were using him for money...a lot of teenagers/young adults are like that.

I don't exactly blame your girlfriend for being upset that your son doesn't clean up after himself. But I seriously think she is overreacting by threatening to want nothing to do with him, to not talk to him, give him a room in our new house...I feel like that's very extreme, and unfair to your son, who already has a lot on his plate (I was 12 when my parents divorced and began to date, and it was very, very tough). 

Is there some other reason why she may be reacting this way? Has she and your son had issues in the past? Was this the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak?

I also agree that it's not the new boyfriend/girlfriend's place to discipline the child. That should fall on the biological parent. My boyfriend has a 9-year old son from a previous marriage. Luckily, he and I get along well, but when it's time to discipline him, I do absolutely nothing, and let my boyfriend (his father) deal with it. The only "discipline" I ever do is stopping him if he's about to do something dangerous. Likewise, I hear that his mother's new fiance does not discipline him, or her older son. 

Can you and your girlfriend come to some kind of compromise as to what you can do about your son in that aspect? If she is worth it, she will compromise with you. If it's her way or the highway and she refuses to budge...well, be glad you found out that out about her before you guys move in together.


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## KittyKat

somethingelse said:


> My advice is to either clean up after your son yourself, to keep the tension from building...or if you don't want to clean up after him, then you have to take on the task of enforcing the rules and disciplining him yourself so that he will clean up his own stuff. It shouldn't be left on your GF's shoulders to be the bad guy.


:smthumbup: :smthumbup: :smthumbup: :iagree:


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## NewM

OMGWHATNEXT said:


> I feel that I'm constantly telling him to tidy up (when she give me the look)


Of course he is not going to tidy up when even his dad doesn't feel like he should tidy up and just does it because he is getting nagged by his girlfriend.

Either make your son be tidy or let him be a mess and keep your gf out of it(but if she is out of it then she doesn't clean after him or anything its all on you to clean it or leave it messy)


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