# Wifes loyalty with blood family



## SteveG (Dec 13, 2010)

I have been reading for several months about the types of spouses that allow their blood family to launch personal attacks on their spouse, without the spouse defending their significant other. How does one deal with this? My wife is hispanic, and I understand the cultural issues. I was raised the opposite, and my wife is more important to me than my blood family, but it's not that way with my wife. Sisters, brother, nieces, etc....they would always come first. How does one deal with this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im right in the middle of this issue. my MIL and BIL make personal attacks against me. my H didnt defend me in the beginning and so i told him he had to or i would leave. so he tried setting boundaries with his mom. its been a long, confusing road. his mom and brother arnt speaking with him now and im wondering if maybe i should have approached things much differently. maybe i should not have been so demanding about how he approached them. i feel bad because he's miserable now. he lost his family. although i technically got what i wanted my H is sad and so i feel bad for him.

i also think the other tumulus parts of our marriage contributed to how demanding i was about his family. since the other problems in our marriage are being resolved i dont find his family so offensive. I think i could just ignore them now.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It can be hard to let go of those family ties. And the problem is if either side approaches her and asks that things change, she will feel caught in the middle. Is there any way you can approach her family and handle this head-on with them? Maybe a direct confrontation, with them telling you their issues with you and you showing them why they're wrong would help resolve them. 

As for her putting them first, that one is harder to deal with. That is simply the way one does things, and it's a lot harder to change. Personally, I put my boyfriend and my children ahead of anyone else, and cannot imagine doing it any other way. But that's how I was raised.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

My oldest daughter married a hispanic man. His mother trashes her every chance she gets. Thankfully for my daughter's marriage, they live some distance from the inlaws. But..my daughter isn't going to take it. Her husband won't stand up to his mother, so my daughter has to do it. She picks her battles, however. It has to be something really important, like her parenting skills. There are some things she just lets go (the endless remarks about ex girlfriends, who happened to be hispanic), for instance. I have to say she's a bigger person than I am. Not so sure I could let some stuff go that she does. 
Hispanics are generally very family oriented (not meaning to generalize, but I was born and raised in San Antonio, Tx..and I've known many, many hispanic families and dated hispanics myself)...and you're walking a fine line in dealing with the extended family. She's always going to be close to them (most likely) and you're just going to have to learn the old "kill them with kindness" routine. You just keep being nice, do the right thing, treat your wife well, and bite your tongue. Unfortunately, that's about the best you can do. If you start engaging them in arguments, you're only going to make yourself look bad. Don't put your wife in the middle. You just keep doing the right thing, even if they don't. 
It would be hard for me personally, and I gotta tell you that if anyone badmouthed my SO they would answer to me. (and they have...I tore a new one on my SO's sister's father in law when he started trashing my SO at a xmas party one year). But you're dealing with their culture, and how they've done things for forever. If you keep "killing them with kindness" MAYBE they'll eventually come around. And let your wife off the hook by not expecting her to come to your defense, or complaining to her, etc. Just man up and do what you've got to do.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I guess I have been guilty of the same thing.

I come from a very sarcastic family. We give digs to each other, etc... but it is all in jest. The problem arises when someone in the family gives a dig to someone outside the family (say, my wife) who does not understand the dynamics. 

To me it looks like business as usual. To my wife, it's an insult. I failed to recognize that and it hurt my wife.

The answer in my situation was to try to put myself between the insulter and my wife and diffuse the situation. I defend my wife while pointing out that there was no intent to hurt her.

My wife made an effort to understand the dynamics of my family more and not to take to heart things said to her.

it's a tough balancing act but it can work.


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