# Very beginning and lots of questions



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

brief overview - My wife and I have been married for 8 1/2 years and have 3 children 7, 5 and 3. We never really had any major issues and appear from the outside (and to me) to work very well, minus some of my wife's small bouts of sadness or restlessness during our winter months. A few months ago I caught her texting with another guy - and through the fights I found that she had been lieing to me and had seen him twice behind my back (but swears that nothing happened). Her excuse was that she has not been happy or "in love" with me for the last 2 years but she still loves me, and in addition feels trapped by the 3 kids and suburban life. I took this very hard and was blindsided by much of this, but over the last couple of months have tried to give her some space and rekindle the relationship to no avail. We finally had a rather large blowout last weekend where it settled in with me that she is no longer the woman I married and truthfully doesn't care for me. With this realization (despite my true love for her) i have suggested separating - with the 3 small children the proposal is to live like we are married and carry the same schedule but really keep our conversations to nothing more than coordination and all things regarding the kids. We can stay in the same room but there is to be no physical interaction. We are 1 week in and the hardest thing I am finding is not getting any hugs.

Ok so here is my question - has anyone ever tried this type of scenario? I don't expect this to last very long but are there some other groundrules/ things that I should be thinking about? 

I tell you that just writing this out has helped me


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

The other piece to this is that I still love my wife very much and believe in marriage. Meaning I would rather work to rekindle this marriage regardless of what has happened then to move on and have it end. At this point my wife is not interested in marriage counseling but I am still working on it.


----------



## SallyS (Aug 28, 2009)

Wow. That sounds tough but I guess it is better than having to leave and not living with your kids. That to me would be worse. If she is not interested at all in working it out, then I would say that you need to take care of yourself and find another way to be happy. Hope this helps!


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

My feeling is that I can go through quite a bit but I don't want to traumatize my kids (especially at this age). As far as her not wanting to work it out - she has told me tonight that she is going to get a counselor (for herself at this point) but I still look at this as a start. Hopefully she'll tell somebody what is going on in her mind. Thanks for the support - as far as taking care of myself - this week has been a good start and I have been reading through CorpusWife's thread and it appears that I may have to pick up and read the book "Love Must be Tough"


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If she is having a Emotional affair with someone it makes it difficult to work on the marriage. Have you asked her if she is willing to work on the marriage (reading self help books or counseling)?

The things is with EA is they almost never want to work on the relationship when they are consumed by the affair. They may attend counseling but ONLY because they feel it will do YOU good. "Afterall, it your fault that marriage is in the condition that it is." At least that is what many think/say.

If that is the case, read the Love Must be Tough book. It's after you tried it all and it's not enough.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

This could get very complicated when one of you starts to date...
verrrrrrrrrrrrry complicated and maybe too confusing for your kids.


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks for the reply preso - ground rules for this arrangement is that this is not allowed because that was the first thing that I thought of. The expectation on starting this process is that it will be short term until we make much larger decisions - at this point we are a full week in and it feels like we have just been in a large fight where you avoid each other - Longer than that usually goes though.


----------



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's good that you have the ground rules! Important.

This is a difficult time with lots of energy expended NOT talking! I know. 

Try to work on yourself in the meantime. Be kind and patient and calm. Take turns going out and doing something for yourself. Maybe one night you can do something for youself and offer to watch the kids, for her, the other night. 

If she sees you active and doing fun things, that is very attractive. Of course, do healthy things.. nothing that would be harmful to your marriage. You don't have to tell her where you are going. Even if it's as exciting as the library! haha


----------



## waterloo (Sep 2, 2009)

I'm going though this right now too!!!
And I hate to say it, but it's not the first time.
Or the second.....
Seperating or playing the "live together for the kids" game was not the answer for us.
Rules:
#1-fooling around is not acceptable. Allowing an "open relationship" or "seperation" situation is not good. If "something" has already happened then deal with it and go on. But other people are off limits.
#2-communication is essential. Don't be a nazi about getting information but inssist on knowing what is going on.
#3-time. Sorry, this should have been #1. The ladies in our lives have complicated thoughts...... give them some time and hopefully they give us a smile.


----------



## Boucaques07 (Sep 2, 2009)

OK. Did you miss the whole "s-e-p-e-r-a-t-e" part of "seperation"? You love your wife. I get that. But she's a HO. Kick her out. Call your momma to watch the kids and kick the HO to the curb. I don't know if you live in a no-fault state or not. But in most places infidelity usually means child custody for the offended party. That would be YOU. She needs to start paying some child support. Maybe her new boyfriend(s) could chip in? If she wants to live like an adolescent then she can do it on her own time and her own dime. Sorry dude. That's the way it has to be.


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks for the advice Waterloo - I agree with the groundrules but I have the hardest time with #3. I tend to feel like my emotions are being played... most difficult part is the fact that I have no understanding of what is going through her head. We have actually been getting along really well the last week - 1 week of not talking then suddenly she completely turned around started being nice and trying? That makes me so confused so I tried to have a conversation tonight about where we were at but she was still cool? I really don't understand what it is that I'm suppose to do - very confused these days


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

OK - so serious setback today. I was very crabby and she went out last night which made me crabbier - today I did not really talk to her making her crabby. So long story short we had it out tonight again ending with "I hate you's". This is REALLY not what I want - what I want is to correct my / our issues and become a family again. I have not gotten in contact with a therapist yet but do believe that will be some of my calls tomorrow - anyone with any advice in how to find one? 

Also any tricks on how to keep your calm and not have these type of setbacks?


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

I am psyched - I have taken the first step and setup my first therapy session. Not quite sure what to expect from the first one - do I delve into the marriage issues or try to concentrate on how to control my emotions? probably a little of both but I really need to figure out how to handle my emotions because I want this thing to work out and flying off the handle doesn't do anything but take us steps backwards.


----------



## cea (Sep 13, 2009)

i've thought about trying your scenario myself...2 small children at home and already having been through a nasty divorce some years ago with 2 small children, it's just awful...i haven't put much thought into the rules, tho...has oneone else tried this??


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

cea - I will tell you that it is tough - especially if you still have a lot of feelings for the other person. It is very easy to slip into the old life without correcting the underlying problems. Definitely give some serious thought to the ground rules as I believe they are very important. Also my suggestion would be to discuss with your h/w when you are going to re-evaluate or what the triggers need to be for that to happen. In my case my wife is the one with the main issues (not that I don't have some) but a trigger I am working on setting is her getting some therapy to figure out what is going on in her head. As a note it does become rather lonely living with others when you really aren't talking - that isn't bad but is something you need to mentally prepare for.

In the meantime I have started therapy myself and am concentrating on my own well being. Seems pretty cliche to say that but it really is true. With that understanding of yourself comes self confidence and strength to make the right decisions.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I've done the separation thing "together" but only because it was a requirement to get divorced.

You cannot separate together if you actually want reconciliation. Separation in the legal sense means doing your own thing and you can't get torqued out about it when the other person acts on a separation you suggested.

You don't want to be separated. So don't be separated.

You also don't know that your wife doesn't care for you. What you know is that she's felt trapped. As a mom I can tell you that I understand that feeling. The lion's share of the parenting usually falls on the mother. We also often have jobs and outside interests and when you've heard, "Mom?" for the 3000th time in a day, it makes you want to change your name.

Secondly, we've been sold a bill of goods that we can "have it all." We cannot. But still in the backs of our minds, we want it all... oh, and to be fulfilled. HA! Right. The only way to be happy is to reduce your expectations and cut back on obligations. Oh, and to have a husband who SEES what needs to be done and does it. Correlary to that is to be willing to point out what needs to be done and have him do it w/o argument or passive-aggressive forgetting, etc.

OK. Where are you now?

#1, she needs to have this other man cut off at the knees. 

#2, you need to romance her like it was your first date.

#3, hold your tongue. A barrage of feelings is going to come out of both of you -- save it for your therapist.

Good luck!


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback dobo - I am trying hard to understand how she feels and that space and time will help. The difficulty is that she chooses to not engage in discussion regarding what is going on - I have urged, begged and told her to see a therapist for her own good but to no avail at this point. If you are familiar with this type of scenario - please give me some hints on how to bring this up and discuss it rationally.

#1 - I believe this is cut off but have to go on the word of my wife - not 100% trust in that on my part
#2 she doesn't want to go on dates with just the 2 of us yet - I have tried. At this point I am holding back and making my own plans until she shows interest in the 2 of us spending time together
#3 - Yes that is what the therapist is for and when I feel I need to have those conversations or need to talk it through with her I have substituted long workouts (giving her the space and allowing me to work out some of my frustration)


----------



## alwaysalone (Nov 17, 2007)

JS-I applaud you for trying "separation" in the same house. It has got to be hard, it sounds as if you love your wife very much. Just be careful with your feelings and emotions. All though you are still living in the same house, your wife is believing that you are separated so you can't get angry if she goes out. But of course, taking turns to go out separately and sharing staying home with the children, is only fare. 

I just want to add, my husbands parents did what you are doing with the exception of they did have separate bedrooms. I am not saying it won't work for you, but in the end, it was worse on my husband. He believes that a husband and wife are supposed to live like that, separate everything, including sharing important information. Please, which I know you are, make sure the children don't see what's going on. 

Good luck my dear with everything.


----------



## jsniceguy (Aug 27, 2009)

Update - things seem to be getting better as we both get along and haven't fought, but getting along and talking are truly two different things. I feel very alone through this process - My fear is that she'll decide to kick it in and put effort toward our marriage and I'll have just become emotionally shutdown. In order for me to maintain sanity in this process and not let myself get too emotional (happy or sad) I kind of detach from the situation - which helps me right now but where will that leave me in the future? Just needed to write today to let some emotion out and acknowledge to myself that I am sad and pulling away.


----------

