# What gives you a self-esteem boost?



## DutyFool (Oct 3, 2012)

My wife struggles with her self-esteem. Perhaps a little more than most, but I suspect not by much.
At present she is very much dependent on external sources for continual self-esteem and can become seriously unhappy simply by trying on a pair of jeans a size too small for her.

So I thought I'd ask the ladies of internet: What things make you feel good about yourselves? 
Especially interested in long-term and resilient effects!
Thanks in advance


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Obviously I'm not a woman, but people in general pick up their self esteem by maintaining a good exercise and diet program. Once the results begin to show, you'll get nice looks from strangers and that is a head rush.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My wife is 5'8 130 pounds. She has been asked if she models. She is beautiful inside and out. But she struggles wife self esteem issues as well. I always tell her I wish she could crawl in my head and see how hot and sexy I see her. I will be following this thread to hear some advice also.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

My self-esteem comes from within. I don't have those quirks about myself since fully accepting myself. That has taken some time. 

In HS, I had a hard time gaining weight and was thin as a rail. No curves. I consider myself an ugly duckling matured into a beautiful swan. Into my 20s I was still thin and I felt I did not look like a "woman". I was very self-conscious, and had often been questioned if I was anorexic...........never was.....always ate what I wanted and never gained. 

Just before turning 30, I had breast augmentation and it's really helped - I like what I look like in the mirror....with or without clothes. My body is more in balance now that I'm in my early 40s, only had one child, and eat healthy. If I could find the energy to exercise and lose my small "muffin top" I'd be very pleased with that. But I'm not overweight by an stretch of the imagination........5' 7", 136 #. Size 6

Once women accept that they are not perfect, none of us are, they will feel better about themselves. I hope this helps.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

For me it was as simple as putting down the fashion magazines,turning off the "women programs" on the tv and stop trying to look how the media says I should look.

I agree with SW. "Once women accept that they are not perfect,none of us are,they will feel better about themselves."

Such true words.

You might have a zit one day and focus on that and let it ruin your whole day OR you can focus on how pretty your eyes look with a certain color makeup on them or how great your hair looks that day. 

FOCUS on your assets...and forget about the rest.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

That's pretty much it - when I was in high school I thought I was fat (but not really - 10 extra pounds maybe), had braces, small breasts and awful hair. I had seen those women in my Dad's Playboy and assumed I'd grow up to look like that. I did not! LOL

In my 20s I lost a little "baby" fat and felt svelt but was very jealous of other women's breasts and felt I could never be sexy. It did not help that I married and my ex was an oogler and a breast man. He STARED at other womens' boobs even when I told him it hurt and made me feel inadequate.

I put on weight, lost it, gained it, lost it - no exercise. Then got pregnant and my ex started weighing me and measuring me. I eventually left, still with esteem pretty low but this time it was both inside AND out as he did a number on what I thought about my intelligence as well.

Now after 40 I wear a size 16, am 5'7" and 200lbs. I work out 3x a week and I'm HEALTHLY but chunky (I gain all over evenly - not pear or apple and carry it pretty well). I don't like everything I see in the mirror (but I have boobs now! LOL) but oddly, even though physically I'm not as hot as I was when I was slim and young and insecure, I'm pretty happy with me. There is ALWAYS room for improvement and even the hottest women know that. 

I choose to see my fabulous smile (thanks, braces!) and pretty face (no wrinkles yet!) and with a better stylist make the most of everything I have. I could focus on my belly (I don't like the saggy stretch-marked area) or my thighs but MOSTLY I'm comfortable in my skin. 

I have a "fake it til you make it" attitude about a lot of stuff in life. I assume I can do most anything or at least fake it long enough until I figure it out for real! That includes esteem. I know confidence is sexy so if I feel insecure I fake confidence.  Sometimes I feel it, sometimes I don't. But mostly I just forget to be insecure.

This was a long road - 30 years in the trip from 14 to 44. 

Maybe if you find out what she DOES like about herself, you can continually focus and compliment that, since she'll believe you. Then add in other little things that she doesn't over time and maybe she'll start to believe that, too. I have heard men say (including my ex who dated a model before me - yeah that was hard to deal with LOL) that the most beautiful women are often the most insecure. Maybe that's because they perceive their personal value to all be tied to their looks? My personal value is tied to a LOT of things. So maybe cultivate and compliment her abilities, personality traits, etc. that are appealing to you as well.

Also I read in an advice column years ago, a girl wrote in that she had a hard time accepting compliments and would react dismissive of the compliment. The advice given was that compliments are usually given sincerely in most situations and are not patronizing. Regardless the appropriate response to ANY compliment is simply "Thank you". After reading that I stopped contradicting people who complimented me. "Love that sweater!" used to be replied to with "Really? I think it makes me look fat" is now answered with "Thank you". I think over time that helped me accept compliments as real, esteem boosting comments so be sure to tell her to just say "Thank you".


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> Obviously I'm not a woman, but people in general pick up their self esteem by maintaining a good exercise and diet program. Once the results begin to show, you'll get nice looks from strangers and that is a head rush.


This....once I got in shape I started dressing better and actually getting looks again. 








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Has to come from within...for me I feel my best about myself when I am taking courses working towards finishing a degree and when I am having a great workout.

The thing is that they say that women who have nothing else going for them other than their looks tend to have the hardest time adjusting to aging because they did not concentrate on other things such as keeping fit/career/school, etc.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> This....once I got in shape I started dressing better and actually getting looks again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I actually found for myself that when I am exercising and eating right it tends to carry forth in other areas..i.e. I feel like putting more effort into say putting more effort with makeup, clothes, etc.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Setting goals and feeling that I'm growing and achieving things. This can be losing those extra pounds, having a zippy haircut, studying or doing voluntary work. 

I don't believe it's ever a good idea to depend on another individual to bolster one's self-esteem.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I don't believe it's ever a good idea to depend on another individual to bolster one's self-esteem.


:iagree::iagree: a "like" wasn't good enough...this comment is so spot on and EVERYONE should recognize you can only depend on yourself for a healthy self esteem.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Setting goals and feeling that I'm growing and achieving things. This can be losing those extra pounds, having a zippy haircut, studying or doing voluntary work.
> 
> I don't believe it's ever a good idea to depend on another individual to bolster one's self-esteem.


I totally agree with this.

It has to come form yourself doing things that make you feel better about you. I also believe 100% that self esteem cannot just come from feeling good about yourself and how you look externally...you have to focus on internal attributes as well. That is even more important than the external crap.

Some of the most confident women I have met are women who would not be considered as "model types" however they are secure and happy with themselves...and to boot they are smart and can carry a conversation.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

richie33 said:


> She is beautiful inside and out. But she struggles wife self esteem issues as well.


Just going by my experience with gf's and family members, the more attractive a woman is, the lower her self esteem is. I dated a few women who were gorgeous, my wife is gorgeous, my sis, late 40's, still looks like she could model...all have/had self esteem issues...some pretty serious.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

wiigirl said:


> This....once I got in shape I started dressing better and actually getting looks again.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Absolutely. And it's a wonderful feeling. I love it when I catch a woman looking at me, albeit in the gym, at the airport or grocery shopping. And I'm not looking to do anything about it, either. I'm happily married and wear my wedding ring 24/7. 

But it's just a boost to your ego when this happens. A nice exchange of smiles can brighten up both participant's days.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Anytime you accomplish something hard that takes lots of effort, you gain self confidence, and in turn, self esteem. This applies to all parts of our lives.


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## HabsFan (Sep 27, 2012)

richie33 said:


> My wife is 5'8 130 pounds. She has been asked if she models. She is beautiful inside and out. But she struggles wife self esteem issues as well. I always tell her I wish she could crawl in my head and see how hot and sexy I see her. I will be following this thread to hear some advice also.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel better knowing other men look @ their wives in a similar manner. I told my wife that if she could see herself through my eyes for only one day only then she would understand why I find her so beautiful. Sadly, she thought I was using a cheesy line to 'get things going'. Funny how sometimes your damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

DutyFool said:


> My wife struggles with her self-esteem. Perhaps a little more than most, but I suspect not by much.
> At present she is very much dependent on external sources for continual self-esteem and can become seriously unhappy simply by trying on a pair of jeans a size too small for her.
> 
> So I thought I'd ask the ladies of internet: What things make you feel good about yourselves?
> ...


My opinion:

Good self-esteem comes from accomplishments.

It does not come from how beautiful we are, how we look, how thin we are.......

An example: I have 2 gorgeous daughters. Everyone would tell them that from babies on.......but when they really lit up & felt good is when they won a swimming race, sank a 3-pointer, got an A in math or won the science fair.


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## DutyFool (Oct 3, 2012)

Interesting responses. Starting to see two primary points:
1: self esteem that is entirely dependent on perception of physical attractiveness is insufficient. This almost seems to be a sub division, I.e feeling good about looks is a distinct form of self esteem, and both are required for optimal health.
2: self esteem can be influenced by others but only minimally, as one might anticipate it is perception of self through one's own eyes that matters. This is not to say that the perception of others is irrelevant, (though technically it would be the perception of other people's perception!) merely that it is insufficient on it's own.

Given that this is the case, my aim is now to alter the thought patterns underlying the negative feelings. This is a good time for some cognitive behavioural management. So I'll be attempting to introduce new thought patterns as well as interrupting unhelpful ones. Thanks for the answers! 

Anything I missed in that analysis?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Having goals that she can work toward that will give her a sense of pride and accomplishment will go a long way toward helping her self-esteem. Encourage her to have more friends, more hobbies, and at least one or two meaningful projects or long-term pursuits.


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## DutyFool (Oct 3, 2012)

Another point that showed up a few times was achievement. I'm curious about this one.

My initial response was to put achievement in the category of 'external validation', my thinking being that it is essential to create positive internal states of esteem before looking outwards.

I can see a few ways for this to go badly, most specifically if the tendency towards being unsatisfied with anything but perfection in the self is externalized to one's achievements, then there would be a constant cycle of achievement seeking in the hopes of a 'perfect' source of validation.

Do people disagree with that idea?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is an excellent article >> > 








...What Really Strengthens Self-Esteem ...









I believe self esteem boils down to KNOWING who you are, what you want out of life and not being ashamed of portraying this person before others...also living by our moral compass, feeling we are *worthy*...also recognizing we all have flaws ( *humility* is also a part of self esteem). Also having *self compassion* on ourselves....and compassion on others. And being able to laugh at our blunders after the fact ~ knowing there is always a next time, such things do not define us. 








... Test how self-compassionate you are...









People will reject us for being "who we are" at times in this life, critics await on every corner....but if we have enough self-esteem, this will slide off of us easier, it won't sink our ship. Because we are sensitive, it will still sting (this is not a bad thing- just shows we are not NUMB)... but we always get back up, we espouse to do better.....for ourselves mostly, not so much to impress others. 

When men & women live out their *passions* in this life... others tend to be inspired by that... This too boosts self esteem. 

I like this quote >>


> .."If there is no passion in your life, then have you really lived? Find your passion, whatever it may be. Become it, and let it become you and you will find great things happen FOR you, TO you and BECAUSE of you"..


 Expecting to win every race, being the smartest, brightest, highest paid, the most beautiful, this is a walk in futility....just remember we all have "gifts" somewhere to offer this world & make it a better place.... Others may uphold some gifts as more "worthy" ....but we all need each other, we're all connected..... to take Pride in what we offer....even when smaller (or it appears)..over the next guy or woman.....is also self esteem. 

For instance.... Award programs, those in the limelight get the abundance of praise... we know their names, they are the shining stars... but without those working behind the scenes, such men & women would never have reached those heights. So truly, many are the "wind beneath others wings". 

In the article... Self esteem is >>>


> “a deep, quiet inner security that is not easily shaken under duress or after a disappointing performance.”
> 
> Research has found positive links between healthy self-esteem and many desirable outcomes, including happiness, humility, resilience and optimism. Studies show that low self-esteem is related to stress, depression and anxiety.


 When I was younger... I hated living with my step mother, I knew I was not wanted there, this caused me some anger/ attitude........ but thankfully I had my friends & their families, they listened to me -showed me love...my home away from home, this held my self-esteem to a decent degree I feel. I was not flying... but yet enough, I had a clear vision of what I wanted in this life....hopes & dreams that I refused to compromise for anyone or anything....I was never the type to join in with any crowd for "acceptance"....I lived by my own ideals... being popular was not something I chased after. 

I also noticed at a young age, those times I feared being who I REALLY was around others, this did me more of a disservice - than just letting it all hang out, speaking my mind, even if I was disagreeable on a matter, this seemed to give me more Respect.

*Perfectionism* is a plague -certain personalities - especially Melancholys are prone to this....(It's my secondary temperment).... we need to learn the ability to laugh at our failings...but keep on getting back up & trying again. 

I'll never forget the 1st time I took my oldest son Roller Skating...(1st or 2nd grade ??) I was almost embarrassed for him, I swear he fell down 100 times, he was the worst skater -ever... some parents looking at me, but ya know... he kept getting right back up & doing it again.. he was NOT a quitter...and this I admired, even though at the time I was thinking, his azz is going to be majorly bruised.... I would just  at these others parents and kinda joke... "Yep, that's my son out there...the one who is on the ground" .... ha ha . 

He got pretty good after that ! There was a valuable lesson in that.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

DutyFool said:


> My wife struggles with her self-esteem. Perhaps a little more than most, but I suspect not by much.
> At present she is very much dependent on external sources for continual self-esteem and can become seriously unhappy simply by trying on a pair of jeans a size too small for her.
> 
> So I thought I'd ask the ladies of internet: What things make you feel good about yourselves?
> ...


Also, she could be depressed. Please read up on that to rule it out.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Running really help tremendously. Not only do you look good, you feel good. I sure miss my running days.

My husband and the way he treats me has really boosted my self esteem. Quite frankly, I believe I helped him too. He use to be shy and reserved. Now he's not shy and talks to me all day long.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Running really help tremendously. Not only do you look good, you feel good. I sure miss my running days.
> 
> My husband and the way he treats me has really boosted my self esteem. Quite frankly, I believe I helped him too. He use to be shy and reserved. Now he's not shy and talks to me all day long.


I'm the weirdo here, but I'm not sure. I remember from a psychology class in college, they said there were some people who were not changed much by either negative or positive actions and comments. I think that fits me. 

Positive and negative comments may register with me briefly, but they are fleeting. Neither are something I loose sleep over or get a swelled head over. When i would tell other people some of the things my x wife told me when we were divorcing, theirs eyes would get big and say, "OMG, that's awful." But it didn't last long with me. 

I think i have this sense of knowing what i am and can do. It may not be correct, but I do have a concreted feel of it. For example, I am a below average guitar player. If someone tells me i am the worst ever, I know that's not true,so it doesn't bother me. On the other hand, if someone says, "hey that's up there with Keith Richards," I know that's not true either, so it has no affect on me.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

OOps, I guess this was a question for the ladies and not guys. I forgot what area i was in.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Low lighting and cloudy mirrors :rofl:

No but for real, I like when my husband gives me 'the eye' - like he's undressing me. And then he rushes up and chases me into the bedroom and closes the door behind us. He's also always looking at me and doesnt even have to SAY anything. Sometimes if he stares I wonder if somethings wrong with me and im like WHAT! hes like.. "You're so beautiful".

Oh but I caught him watching porn before and that just MURDERED my self esteem. I can't compete with beauty lenses and fake tits.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is an excellent article >> >
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Man...I just love your posts SimplyAmorous

Thanks for the article link

(also the brene brown ted talk links...those were great)


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

For me it took therapy and lots of it. I now know self esteem must come from within.

I tried all the external things with no luck. I will admit I do have a smidge more self esteem when I'm smaller but it's not enough to sustain me. A few years back I got so fit/small that I had to start shopping in the juniors department and yet I still found flaws with my body. It showed nothing I did was ever going to be good enough and I was a perfectionist.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

I have two incredibly gorgeous sisters who turn heads all the time...but neither have a lot of self esteem. I have also know some very large ladies from my college days that just oozed confidence and self esteem. I firmly believe it is NOT in how your body looks...but something much deeper inside. Just my humble opinion.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I like to be told that I smell good, my skin is soft, or that a certain color suits me.


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