# My husband doesn’t understand



## [email protected]

Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
I am now seeing someone (not my husband) that I am in love with. As it usually goes, we started off as friends a few years ago and now have before more. He’s so loving and caring and we have experiences my husband and I have never had. 
my husband and I did the whole separation thing (stayed away for a few months) and frankly I didn’t miss him at all. The first 2 months he was at his parents house and he didn’t bother contacting me.
I’m so upset as I want to be with this new person. We’ve talked about our future, a family together. He’s even introduced me to his mum. His mum said he’s never spoken about another woman like he does about me, and she told me how happy she is I’ve “domesticated her son” (this is our little secret haha). His mum is great and I already feel very connected to her. The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me. I haven’t slept with my husband since may this year. When he touches me i tell him to stop. What can I do? The only sure way of being able to get a divorce is if I tell ppl about my boyfriend. But then the family won’t accept him as we’ve had an affair and obviously that’s a bad thing. 
my husband needs someone he’s compatible with and I need to be with who I love.
Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
Thanks!


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## gr8ful1

You need to tell your husband immediately what you’ve done. That will certainly get you the divorce you’re yearning for. To not tell him is perhaps even more shameful that what you’ve already done. How about do the RIGHT thing for a change and start being honest with your H?


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## SunCMars

I will be quick.
I need be nimble.
The crowd will soon arrive and then the pummeling shall begin.

It will.
It must.
It cannot be else.

Not (else) here on this blog, their TAM.

Tell all.
Move out.
Divorce.

Take your lumps, you have earned them.

See if this new man will still want you and love you, once you are free.
Many do not.

The only free thing, that men (as he) want is your body of love, not your hand in marriage.

Take your lumps, they are yours.



_Lilith- _


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## Luckylucky

Your husband isn’t contacting you, not replying, and he left you alone when you moved out for a few months. 

You mentioned you were upset about his lack of replying? It seems clear he’s ok with you leaving, and is giving you the space you wanted. 

So could you clarify, what is it that you want from your husband? It seems he’s accepted that you want a divorce. Your parents and their opinion is not your husband’s problem. You don’t need to listen to your parents, and don’t listen to your husband, so it’s perfectly ok that you get a divorce yourself. That part is your job I’m afraid. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get that started, and you can’t palm that job off to your husband either. Get moving and take responsibility for the divorce. If you’re the type that likes palming the adult stuff to other people, perhaps you can ask your new man and his mum to ring around and find you a lawyer.


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## [email protected]

gr8ful1 said:


> You need to tell your husband immediately what you’ve done. That will certainly get you the divorce you’re yearning for. To not tell him is perhaps even more shameful that what you’ve already done. How about do the RIGHT thing for a change and start being honest with your H?


I did tell him. This is what I texted him- 
I still feel we need to divorce. Although we had fun there is nothing more there. Please take this trip to reflect on everything. Our life, your future. There is more to life than just being married to me and this mediocre marriage. And you deserve more. Trust me when I say you deserve better than me. 

I think this should be a reflexive trip for you so when you’re up there with your thoughts think about everything and all the different opportunities and better way your life can be. 

You’re a great person and so loyal and caring. You deserve someone like you. And I am there by your side always. But just not under this institution of ‘marriage’. 

I’m sorry that after all these years of trying it’s just not working. Since 2007 I’ve been working at this and although we’ve had ups and downs over time it became clear we’re good for each other, just not as husband & wife. I don’t know what else I can say to make you understand. 

My wish is you find someone more compatible with you & you have a good life with her. And I will be there by your side encouraging & supporting you. 

There’s no shame in realizing that marriage isn’t meant for me and you together. And there’s definitely nothing wrong in ending it on good terms and remaining friends as we move through our own lives. 

So pls take this time to reflect. I will always love you & you’ll always have my support


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## [email protected]

Luckylucky said:


> Your husband isn’t contacting you, not replying, and he left you alone when you moved out for a few months.
> 
> You mentioned you were upset about his lack of replying? It seems clear he’s ok with you leaving, and is giving you the space you wanted.
> 
> So could you clarify, what is it that you want from your husband? It seems he’s accepted that you want a divorce. Your parents and their opinion is not your husband’s problem. You don’t need to listen to your parents, and don’t listen to your husband, so it’s perfectly ok that you get a divorce yourself. That part is your job I’m afraid. You don’t need anyone’s permission to get that started, and you can’t palm that job off to your husband either. Get moving and take responsibility for the divorce. If you’re the type that likes palming the adult stuff to other people, perhaps you can ask your new man and his mum to ring around and find you a lawyer.


If he was ok with me leaving we’d end this fast. He doesn’t want t get divorced. And regarding my parents….. I’m Indian, so that should say a lot!! Haha. We can’t do anything without their permission. It’s not about pawning off responsibility. I can do that once I get the go ahead for the divorce. No one seems to be listening to me about wanting to divorce as it’s easier for everyone if I stay married. I don’t want to cheat. Everyone looks down on the cheater but it’s not like we’re enjoying this life. It’s a double life and I’d rather have my conscience clean with the man I love than pretend to be happy with someone I don’t. And I realize I’m not scared anymore of telling my husband I have another man. I’m scared for my parents reaction. As even though I’m 32 I still need their approval (maybe a cultural thing?)


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## [email protected]

SunCMars said:


> I will be quick.
> I need be nimble.
> The crowd will soon arrive and then the pummeling shall begin.
> 
> It will.
> It must.
> It cannot be else.
> 
> Not (else) here on this blog, their TAM.
> 
> Tell all.
> Move out.
> Divorce.
> 
> Take your lumps, you have earned them.
> 
> See if this new man will still want you and love you, once you are free.
> Many do not.
> 
> The only free thing, that men (as he) want is your body of love, not your hand in marriage.
> 
> Take your lumps, they are yours.
> 
> 
> 
> _Lilith- _


Actually, he wants to marry me. He’s told everyone that. I’m the one that doesn’t want to marry him. I’ve done this marriage thing once and I’d rather have a life partner whom I love.


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## Luckylucky

‘We can’t do anything without their permission!’

Oh sorry, I understand. You got their permission to get a boyfriend?

Then get a divorce!


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## [email protected]

Luckylucky said:


> ‘We can’t do anything without their permission!’
> 
> Oh sorry, I understand. You got their permission to get a boyfriend?
> 
> Then get a divorce!


Point


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## Luckylucky

[email protected] said:


> If he was ok with me leaving we’d end this fast. He doesn’t want t get divorced. And regarding my parents….. I’m Indian, so that should say a lot!! Haha. We can’t do anything without their permission. It’s not about pawning off responsibility. I can do that once I get the go ahead for the divorce. No one seems to be listening to me about wanting to divorce as it’s easier for everyone if I stay married. I don’t want to cheat. Everyone looks down on the cheater but it’s not like we’re enjoying this life. It’s a double life and I’d rather have my conscience clean with the man I love than pretend to be happy with someone I don’t. And I realize I’m not scared anymore of telling my husband I have another man. I’m scared for my parents reaction. As even though I’m 32 I still need their approval (maybe a cultural thing?)


I get it all, I get it. 

He’ll definitely give you a divorce once you tell him you have a boyfriend! I’m absolutely sure you’ll get a divorce immediately. How good is that! It’s all going to work out. You want it so badly, why shouldn’t you be free to be with the man you love? Don’t palm off the responsibility of wanting a divorce but not telling him why. Because your husband will be saying, ‘where do I sign?’ As soon as you tell him you’ve got a boyfriend. See how easy it is to get everything you want? 

It’s a win win for you! Come on lady, get a divorce and be with the man who you love.


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## gr8ful1

[email protected] said:


> I did tell him. This is what I texted him-


Apparently I wasn’t clear. You need to immediately tell your husband:


You have a boyfriend
You are sexually active with this boyfriend
You love this boyfriend
You want to marry this boyfriend

Is that more clear?


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## [email protected]

gr8ful1 said:


> Apparently I wasn’t clear. You need to immediately tell your husband:
> 
> 
> You have a boyfriend
> You are sexually active with this boyfriend
> You love this boyfriend
> You want to marry this boyfriend
> 
> Is that more clear?


Yes ma'am


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## Gabriel

Dollars to doughnuts you don't end up with either of them.


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## SunCMars

[email protected] said:


> Actually, he wants to marry me. He’s told everyone that. I’m the one that doesn’t want to marry him. I’ve done this marriage thing once and I’d rather have a life partner whom I love.


So, you made the mistake of sharing your bodily wealth with a lekker chommie.

This be, two men you have maligned. 
The first by chance (arranged marriage?), the second by choice.

That said, in your defense, you are a grown woman, in a restrictive culture, I see this.

But, if you cannot grow thick skin, then it is sour bunny chow you will be forced to consume.

Ignore, if possible, the skinner soon heading your way.

You have one life to live, can you emigrate?
What are your options?



_King Brian-_


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## BigDaddyNY

gr8ful1 said:


> Apparently I wasn’t clear. You need to immediately tell your husband:
> 
> 
> You have a boyfriend
> You are sexually active with this boyfriend
> You love this boyfriend
> You want to marry this boyfriend
> 
> Is that more clear?


@[email protected] This is it right here. 

And as @Luckylucky said, you didn't need permission from your parents to hook up with your new boyfriend. If you didn't need permission to do the wrong thing, why do you need permission to do the right thing?


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## SunCMars

I take no pleasure in knife wielding.
You came askin' for help.

Many here will serve up only that (vrot) strong and bitter tea.

Is divorce possible in SA, without an oke's permission?


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## SunCMars

Life has its restrictions, Lord, some attach themselves to odd ones, to unseen ghosts of some past.

Freedom can never be had, unless it is demanded of.

Real chains cannot be broken, but, cultural chains are surreal, and not solid.

Lady, take charge of your life. 

Life is short, you are yet, tall.



_
Lilith- _I escaped from a past, most brutal.


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## A18S37K14H18

I don't understand this.

If you want a divorce, you would have filed for one already.

It doesn't matter if one's partner doesn't want one, it only takes one person to break up, to divorce etc.

So, if you really want a divorce, you would be well on your way to that by now.

Do or do not, there is no try.

Mind you, I'm not telling you that should divorce or that you need to divorce. I'm staying out of that.

My point is simply that you said to your parents and your husband that you want a divorce.

So why haven't you filed then? This isn't about them, it's about you as again it only takes one to divorce.


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## [email protected]

A18S37K14H18 said:


> I don't understand this.
> 
> If you want a divorce, you would have filed for one already.
> 
> It doesn't matter if one's partner doesn't want one, it only takes one person to break up, to divorce etc.
> 
> So, if you really want a divorce, you would be well on your way to that by now.
> 
> Do or do not, there is no try.
> 
> Mind you, I'm not telling you that should divorce or that you need to divorce. I'm staying out of that.
> 
> My point is simply that you said to your parents and your husband that you want a divorce.
> 
> So why haven't you filed then? This isn't about them, it's about you as again it only takes one to divorce.


Ok Yoda 😁😁
And yes, only takes one to divorce. But you’re forgetting I’m Indian… I have to get consent from my parents. I’ve told them for over a year I’m unhappy. My dad keeps saying I should try harder. And that men take time to change, even up to 5-10 years. And I should so more of what he likes and maybe he’ll do what I like. And I should change my schedule to suite him, etc. 
I am looking for jobs abroad so i can get away from all this.


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## DownByTheRiver

[email protected] said:


> Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
> I am now seeing someone (not my husband) that I am in love with. As it usually goes, we started off as friends a few years ago and now have before more. He’s so loving and caring and we have experiences my husband and I have never had.
> my husband and I did the whole separation thing (stayed away for a few months) and frankly I didn’t miss him at all. The first 2 months he was at his parents house and he didn’t bother contacting me.
> I’m so upset as I want to be with this new person. We’ve talked about our future, a family together. He’s even introduced me to his mum. His mum said he’s never spoken about another woman like he does about me, and she told me how happy she is I’ve “domesticated her son” (this is our little secret haha). His mum is great and I already feel very connected to her. The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me. I haven’t slept with my husband since may this year. When he touches me i tell him to stop. What can I do? The only sure way of being able to get a divorce is if I tell ppl about my boyfriend. But then the family won’t accept him as we’ve had an affair and obviously that’s a bad thing.
> my husband needs someone he’s compatible with and I need to be with who I love.
> Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
> Thanks!


No. They only sure way to get a divorce is to file for a divorce and follow through. You don't have to tell anyone about your new guy until after the divorce. The longer you stay in marriage while you're cheating the worst you're going to look and the more danger of them finding out and that's going to be worse than if he just divorced whether anyone wanted you to or not. I mean you should have divorced before you got in this deep with this guy. 

If I were you I'd first make sure this guy is on board to stick around. Your parents can't tell you what to do and if you're still letting them tell you what to do then really it's time to grow up. The proper thing to do or the best way to salvage anything at this point would be to stop having an affair with this guy and tell him you're not going to see him until after the divorce is final and then spend all your energy getting the divorce finalized. It takes time so the longer you put it off, the longer you will not be free to get on with your life. If you continue this affair while you're getting a divorce it is going to blow up in your face. There are phone records and everything else to incriminate you.


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## Divinely Favored

[email protected] said:


> I did tell him. This is what I texted him-
> I still feel we need to divorce. Although we had fun there is nothing more there. Please take this trip to reflect on everything. Our life, your future. There is more to life than just being married to me and this mediocre marriage. And you deserve more. Trust me when I say you deserve better than me.
> 
> I think this should be a reflexive trip for you so when you’re up there with your thoughts think about everything and all the different opportunities and better way your life can be.
> 
> You’re a great person and so loyal and caring. You deserve someone like you. And I am there by your side always. But just not under this institution of ‘marriage’.
> 
> I’m sorry that after all these years of trying it’s just not working. Since 2007 I’ve been working at this and although we’ve had ups and downs over time it became clear we’re good for each other, just not as husband & wife. I don’t know what else I can say to make you understand.
> 
> My wish is you find someone more compatible with you & you have a good life with her. And I will be there by your side encouraging & supporting you.
> 
> There’s no shame in realizing that marriage isn’t meant for me and you together. And there’s definitely nothing wrong in ending it on good terms and remaining friends as we move through our own lives.
> 
> So pls take this time to reflect. I will always love you & you’ll always have my support


No you did not tell him what you have done. You are still being deceptive on the fact you were seeing another man.


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## [email protected]

Divinely Favored said:


> No you did not tell him what you have done. You are still being deceptive on the fact you were seeing another man.


yes


Divinely Favored said:


> No you did not tell him what you have done. You are still being deceptive on the fact you were seeing another man.


Yes, if I can end the marriage without him knowing i am seeing someone else, the better. It would save him so much heartbreak. I have seen flirty messages with him and other women and i know the pain of being cheated on. worst feeling ever, and if I can get this divorce without him going through that, the better.


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## BigDaddyNY

[email protected] said:


> yes
> 
> Yes, if I can end the marriage without him knowing i am seeing someone else, the better. It would save him so much heartbreak. I have seen flirty messages with him and other women and i know the pain of being cheated on. worst feeling ever, and if I can get this divorce without him going through that, the better.


So just living the life of a cheater and liar is your solution to this problem?


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## Divinely Favored

[email protected] said:


> yes
> 
> Yes, if I can end the marriage without him knowing i am seeing someone else, the better. It would save him so much heartbreak. I have seen flirty messages with him and other women and i know the pain of being cheated on. worst feeling ever, and if I can get this divorce without him going through that, the better.


Flirty does not mean hooking up....is he hooking up? 

This so called heartbreak you say may linger for years as why was i not good enough for my wife? What is wrong with me?

You are just trying to protect the parents thought about your boyfriend so he can be slipped into hubbys spot in the family. That is reason you want to hide this from everyone. To protect hubbys feelings is not the truth and you know better.


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## Oxentree

[email protected] said:


> Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
> .... (OP)
> Thanks!


I am not sure what else I can add but from the perspective of a husband, I can tell you I would want to know. I have yet to address the community about my situation but I had a moment of relief mid 2021 when my SO revealed something of significance to me. I have read articles about breakups and divorce and to summarize there is no easy way to do it but your husband deserves dignity in what you tell him and the setting you tell him. Just try to think in role reversal and in the end we are all human, imperfect yet that's what makes us perfect. Sorry for the rambling, I have been drinking.


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## [email protected]

Oxentree said:


> I am not sure what else I can add but from the perspective of a husband, I can tell you I would want to know. I have yet to address the community about my situation but I had a moment of relief mid 2021 when my SO revealed something of significance to me. I have read articles about breakups and divorce and to summarize there is no easy way to do it but your husband deserves dignity in what you tell him and the setting you tell him. Just try to think in role reversal and in the end we are all human, imperfect yet that's what makes us perfect. Sorry for the rambling, I have been drinking.


No need to be sorry, it's the most compassionate response yet. Everyone always ****s on the cheater but never understands where we're coming from. You're right, he deserves me to tell him. I've been telling him for 2 years that we need to see other people as we're not meant for each other (way before I met my current). I told him we should do counseling, I sent him a list of counselors so he can choose (i wanted him to be proactive and showed he is fighting for us)... He didn't. His brother suggested me and him go for a vacation together, and even paid for us. My husband made it sound like it was his idea. He hasn't done anything to fight for me. My BF has showed me in 4 months more than my husband has in 5+ years. I told my husband a few years ago we should have date nights so we can spend time together (even free things at home) and he said that is for white people. I have told my H that we should go on holiday, locally at least. Even camping. His excuses- there is too much traffic to get there, its expensive and now the famous COVID excuse. Yet he goes with his friends for camping and to dubai. My BF and I play scrabble, cook together, dance together in the living room. I once tried dancing with my husband and he refused. I am finally feeling love that I haven't got before, and its a wonderful feeling! 

I still understand what i am doing is wrong, and belive me, I would rather stay in a 2 bedrm with my boyfriend and have a simple life being loved than in this house constantly grumpy with my H. We both deserve someone loving and we both deserve a happy future.

But the inevitable will be so difficult! And as someone mentioned earlier i think- i am more scared of hurting my parents than anyone else.


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## Luckylucky

[email protected] said:


> No need to be sorry, it's the most compassionate response yet. Everyone always ****s on the cheater but never understands where we're coming from. You're right, he deserves me to tell him. I've been telling him for 2 years that we need to see other people as we're not meant for each other (way before I met my current). I told him we should do counseling, I sent him a list of counselors so he can choose (i wanted him to be proactive and showed he is fighting for us)... He didn't. His brother suggested me and him go for a vacation together, and even paid for us. My husband made it sound like it was his idea. He hasn't done anything to fight for me. My BF has showed me in 4 months more than my husband has in 5+ years. I told my husband a few years ago we should have date nights so we can spend time together (even free things at home) and he said that is for white people. I have told my H that we should go on holiday, locally at least. Even camping. His excuses- there is too much traffic to get there, its expensive and now the famous COVID excuse. Yet he goes with his friends for camping and to dubai. My BF and I play scrabble, cook together, dance together in the living room. I once tried dancing with my husband and he refused. I am finally feeling love that I haven't got before, and its a wonderful feeling!
> 
> I still understand what i am doing is wrong, and belive me, I would rather stay in a 2 bedrm with my boyfriend and have a simple life being loved than in this house constantly grumpy with my H. We both deserve someone loving and we both deserve a happy future.
> 
> But the inevitable will be so difficult! And as someone mentioned earlier i think- i am more scared of hurting my parents than anyone else.


I don’t think you’re scared of hurting your parents by divorcing. Try to focus on what you’re avoiding where your parents are concerned. Fear is not the issue, and you’re not really scared of ‘hurting’ your parents. You don’t fear your parents, or your husband or anyone. Because you’re a married women with a boyfriend, and that takes courage. Your needs are first. 

Perhaps you fear what the scandal means for you. Not anyone else. 

Because at the end of the day, the truth always comes to light. That is yours alone, and you’re protecting yourself. No-one else. Not your parents. Not anyone. 

Accept who you are, and be brave enough to stand tall and proud and say, ‘I have a boyfriend!’ Because you are very very bold and courageous. Why hide this from your parents?


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## [email protected]

Luckylucky said:


> I don’t think you’re scared of hurting your parents by divorcing. Try to focus on what you’re avoiding where your parents are concerned. Fear is not the issue, and you’re not really scared of ‘hurting’ your parents. You don’t fear your parents, or your husband or anyone. Because you’re a married women with a boyfriend, and that takes courage. Your needs are first.
> 
> Perhaps you fear what the scandal means for you. Not anyone else.
> 
> Because at the end of the day, the truth always comes to light. That is yours alone, and you’re protecting yourself. No-one else. Not your parents. Not anyone.
> 
> Accept who you are, and be brave enough to stand tall and proud and say, ‘I have a boyfriend!’ Because you are very very bold and courageous. Why hide this from your parents?


Oh, everyone i know knows i have a bf, I have also taken him to work functions. I have told my friends about him. The last thing I care about is being in a scandal, because I know those last until the next one comes. Plus, I have realized people are so invested in their own lives they will talk about me for a few months then move on. So no.

My dad has a heart condition and my mum is 70+. THEIR health is what scares me. They're already telling me they cant sleep and are 'broken' because I want to divorce, imaging me telling them I am having an affair. Oh and btw I did mention him to my parents. I was testing the waters with that, and my mums response- I cant have guy friends as I am married. 

So yeaaah, that's what I am dealing with. In fact once they die (hopefully not in a longggg time), you think I will waste any more time in this marriage? Hell no. My parents are who I am protecting, and of course my husband to a degree. But at the end of the day I am worried about my mother and father, not a stupid scandal. Who cares. Yes, I had an affair, yes, I am with him now, get over it. I am not the first or last to do so. I know my uncle had an affair. Obviously didn't divorce from my aunt. I don't want to end up like that.


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## Beach123

Present yourself to your family as the person you are - the cheater.
Be honest. Live an honest life.
Be authentic. 
Take the consequences for what you’ve done and stop pretending you haven’t done these things.
Divorce your husband. Live the way you want to. You haven’t followed your family’s rules so what the point of pretending don’t like you do now?
Get honest and live your life.


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## [email protected]

Beach123 said:


> Present yourself to your family as the person you are - the cheater.
> Be honest. Live an honest life.
> Be authentic.
> Take the consequences for what you’ve done and stop pretending you haven’t done these things.
> Divorce your husband. Live the way you want to. You haven’t followed your family’s rules so what the point of pretending don’t like you do now?
> Get honest and live your life.


I am honest and living my life? If i was dishonest with myself I would be unhappy in this marriage and start a family ? I am living my authentic life, its just getting others to accept it.


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## sokillme

[email protected] said:


> Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
> I am now seeing someone (not my husband) that I am in love with. As it usually goes, we started off as friends a few years ago and now have before more. He’s so loving and caring and we have experiences my husband and I have never had.
> my husband and I did the whole separation thing (stayed away for a few months) and frankly I didn’t miss him at all. The first 2 months he was at his parents house and he didn’t bother contacting me.
> I’m so upset as I want to be with this new person. We’ve talked about our future, a family together. He’s even introduced me to his mum. His mum said he’s never spoken about another woman like he does about me, and she told me how happy she is I’ve “domesticated her son” (this is our little secret haha). His mum is great and I already feel very connected to her. The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me. I haven’t slept with my husband since may this year. When he touches me i tell him to stop. What can I do? The only sure way of being able to get a divorce is if I tell ppl about my boyfriend. But then the family won’t accept him as we’ve had an affair and obviously that’s a bad thing.
> my husband needs someone he’s compatible with and I need to be with who I love.
> Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
> Thanks!


Just Divorce your husband already, you don't need permission.

Does your boyfriend know your married?


----------



## Luckylucky

Yes I do think you’ll stay married. Even after your parents are gone. Just like your uncle. 

Has your husband already tried divorcing you? And kicked you out? Given you’ve been out of home for a few months and your parents and brother are desperately trying to keep you married? And ‘oh everyone knows I’ve got a boyfriend I’ve taken him to work functions’??? 

Tell me that your husband and parents don’t know. Your husband really doesn’t know you have a boyfriend?

I see a million excuses for not getting a divorce. Well, not a million but you’ve spent the bulk of the thread listing reasons why you’re already NOT divorced. But you’re going to. Going to this, going to that. Etc etc. 

Two types of cheaters: the ones that get a boyfriend/girlfriend and swiftly get a divorce. And then there are the cheaters that stay married. (Or get dumped, because that’s too much adulting, so the responsible spouse has to file). 

But you already are, and will be, the cheater that doesn’t get divorced. Like your uncle.


----------



## sokillme

[email protected] said:


> No need to be sorry, it's the most compassionate response yet. Everyone always ****s on the cheater but never understands where we're coming from. You're right, he deserves me to tell him. I've been telling him for 2 years that we need to see other people as we're not meant for each other (way before I met my current). I told him we should do counseling, I sent him a list of counselors so he can choose (i wanted him to be proactive and showed he is fighting for us)... He didn't. His brother suggested me and him go for a vacation together, and even paid for us. My husband made it sound like it was his idea. He hasn't done anything to fight for me. My BF has showed me in 4 months more than my husband has in 5+ years. I told my husband a few years ago we should have date nights so we can spend time together (even free things at home) and he said that is for white people. I have told my H that we should go on holiday, locally at least. Even camping. His excuses- there is too much traffic to get there, its expensive and now the famous COVID excuse. Yet he goes with his friends for camping and to dubai. My BF and I play scrabble, cook together, dance together in the living room. I once tried dancing with my husband and he refused. I am finally feeling love that I haven't got before, and its a wonderful feeling!
> 
> I still understand what i am doing is wrong, and belive me, I would rather stay in a 2 bedrm with my boyfriend and have a simple life being loved than in this house constantly grumpy with my H. We both deserve someone loving and we both deserve a happy future.
> 
> But the inevitable will be so difficult! And as someone mentioned earlier i think- i am more scared of hurting my parents than anyone else.


Everyone always ***s on the guy who hits his wife but never understands where we're coming from. Gross.

I don't care where that guy is coming from because he is a jerk to abuse and hit his wife, and I don't care where the cheater is coming from either. Show some courage and divorce your husband, quit abusing him and gaslighting him just because you want to feel good.


----------



## Luckylucky

Beach123 said:


> Present yourself to your family as the person you are - the cheater.
> Be honest. Live an honest life.
> Be authentic.
> Take the consequences for what you’ve done and stop pretending you haven’t done these things.
> Divorce your husband. Live the way you want to. You haven’t followed your family’s rules so what the point of pretending don’t like you do now?
> Get honest and live your life.


This one’s going to stay married. The man of her dreams wants to marry her, and she’s met his mum. But she’s adamant she doesn’t want to marry him, and fighting to stay married. 

Given what a successful liar she is, I’m almost thinking she’s omitted to tell us that her parents and husband already know, and the pressure’s on. And maybe, she’s not telling us that the husband had previously kicked her out and may have already filed. 😉


----------



## manwithnoname

[email protected] said:


> I am honest and living my life? If i was dishonest with myself I would be unhappy in this marriage and start a family ? *I am living my authentic life, its just getting others to accept it.*


How can others accept something they don't know about? You are far from honest and authentic.


----------



## oldshirt

The title of this thread is “My Husband Doesn’t Understand.”

The reason he doesn’t understand is he doesn’t have the facts. 

If he knew you were involved with and having sex with another man - he would then understand.


----------



## DownByTheRiver

If I wanted to get out of this marriage quick, I already told you what I'd do. He's likely going to have his suspicions anyway, but the less bitterness and fighting you have to do to get out of this marriage the better, the safer, and the cheating has no impact on the settlement, so I'd keep everything calm and get out as fast as possible and curtail dating until you are legally out of it. If you were staying, he'd certainly have a right to know about the cheating and if you want to clear your conscience, you could tell him post-divorce if it hasn't been clear to him by then. But get out of the house safely and I'm just saying if it was me, I'd get out, lay low, be safe, and not do anything that would mean I would have to fight with him while I'm trying to divorce. It will only slow down the process and make him want to do all he can to make it as hard for you as possible. 

I agree with all the guys that what you did was wrong, regardless you had been warning him. Warning isn't enough. There's a way to go about things. But I don't care enough about coming clean with him to put YOU in danger and to drag this thing out and make it more acrimonious. That's the difference between me and the rest of them.


----------



## Feeling Solo

@Sama[email protected]

There don't seem to be any children involved.
Finances don't seem to be an issue.
Divorce your husband as you've already moved on so he can find someone who truly wants him and you can be with someone you love.
Don't jump into another marriage after this one and just be in a relationship you enjoy having sex in.


----------



## Evinrude58

[email protected] said:


> Oh, everyone i know knows i have a bf, I have also taken him to work functions. I have told my friends about him. The last thing I care about is being in a scandal, because I know those last until the next one comes. Plus, I have realized people are so invested in their own lives they will talk about me for a few months then move on. So no.
> 
> My dad has a heart condition and my mum is 70+. THEIR health is what scares me. They're already telling me they cant sleep and are 'broken' because I want to divorce, imaging me telling them I am having an affair. Oh and btw I did mention him to my parents. I was testing the waters with that, and my mums response- I cant have guy friends as I am married.
> 
> So yeaaah, that's what I am dealing with. In fact once they die (hopefully not in a longggg time), you think I will waste any more time in this marriage? Hell no. My parents are who I am protecting, and of course my husband to a degree. But at the end of the day I am worried about my mother and father, not a stupid scandal. Who cares. Yes, I had an affair, yes, I am with him now, get over it. I am not the first or last to do so. I know my uncle had an affair. Obviously didn't divorce from my aunt. I don't want to end up like that.


Ah, the mind of a cheater. How graciously they protect their husband and parents! 

cheater spin:

It’s ok to have an affair because:
My uncle did it
Everyone else is doing it 

he/we/they should just “GET OVER IT…

ok then, tell him you’ve got a boyfriend and he will get over it.


----------



## [email protected]

1) no, i have not had children on purpose. I do not want to bring them into a situation where if i do divorce him it will hurt them. Though I am ready for a family (I am 33). 
2) No, finances are not an issue. I come from a well off family compared to him, and I earn my own salary.
3) Yes, that's the plan. I have told him best friend if he knows a good girl to introduce them. But of course, divorce first!
4) You're right. I haven't been single since 17. I do not want a marriage. I want to date myself and learn about myself. and if I want to get back into a marriage would be with my BF


----------



## jlg07

[email protected] said:


> Oh, everyone i know knows i have a bf, I have also taken him to work functions. I have told my friends about him. The last thing I care about is being in a scandal, because I know those last until the next one comes. Plus, I have realized people are so invested in their own lives they will talk about me for a few months then move on. So no.
> 
> My dad has a heart condition and my mum is 70+. THEIR health is what scares me. They're already telling me they cant sleep and are 'broken' because I want to divorce, imaging me telling them I am having an affair. Oh and btw I did mention him to my parents. I was testing the waters with that, and my mums response- I cant have guy friends as I am married.
> 
> So yeaaah, that's what I am dealing with. In fact once they die (hopefully not in a longggg time), you think I will waste any more time in this marriage? Hell no. My parents are who I am protecting, and of course my husband to a degree. But at the end of the day I am worried about my mother and father, not a stupid scandal. Who cares. Yes, I had an affair, yes, I am with him now, get over it. I am not the first or last to do so. I know my uncle had an affair. Obviously didn't divorce from my aunt. I don't want to end up like that.


You realize that your parents are manipulating you, yes? THEY want you to stay married so that THEY don't look like they've failed raising you with the correct cultural beliefs.
The reality is that you DO NOT want to stay married to someone who treats you like your H does, and you need to be crystal clear to your parents about this. You DO NOT want to "wait" for 5-10 years to see if your H will change (he won't).
As for you carrying on with your bf in front of all your co-workers, etc. -- how do you think your H will feel when he finds out? He will feel like a laughing stock -- that everyone knew except him. Can you see how devastating that would be to him?

Do the right thing here -- TELL your parents you want to divorce, file for divorce, and tell your H that you are carrying on with this other man.


----------



## drencrom

[email protected] said:


> The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me.


That's because you are lying by omission. Tell them about the other man. No? Why not? Don't want to face the consequences? Well, that's tough. You want out, tell them about the affair. I don't care what kind of problems you say you are having with your husband. If you are cheating, he deserves to know so he can make an informed decision.

I guarantee you if you were my wife and said you wanted a divorce, and I didn't and wanted to try to work on it, if you told me you were boning another man, I'd send you packing and see a lawyer the very next day.

Come clean about the affair. Too bad about the fallout. You're husband deserves to know what you are doing behind his back.


----------



## [email protected]

jlg07 said:


> You realize that your parents are manipulating you, yes? THEY want you to stay married so that THEY don't look like they've failed raising you with the correct cultural beliefs.
> The reality is that you DO NOT want to stay married to someone who treats you like your H does, and you need to be crystal clear to your parents about this. You DO NOT want to "wait" for 5-10 years to see if your H will change (he won't).
> As for you carrying on with your bf in front of all your co-workers, etc. -- how do you think your H will feel when he finds out? He will feel like a laughing stock -- that everyone knew except him. Can you see how devastating that would be to him?
> 
> Do the right thing here -- TELL your parents you want to divorce, file for divorce, and tell your H that you are carrying on with this other man.


Yes, I think you’re right about my parents. They keep saying they don’t care what society thinks, but my dad is well known in the society and was actually the vice Chairman of our community at one point. And he’s an international lecturer so I guess he doesn’t want people to know his only daughter and only child has a failed marriage. 
sad thing is they told me from the beginning he isn’t right for me and told me not to marry him. But what does a 20-something know other than “I love him and I won’t find anyone else”


----------



## Casual Observer

@[email protected] Not sure why you're continuing to engage here; people have consistently given the same advice, and you've consistently given the same answer. You've been told your husband deserves to know the truth, but you won't tell him. You've been told to divorce, but you say your parents won't allow it.

The first is easily remedied. Just tell your husband. No more trying to break up with a text message stuff. That's really sad & degrading to your husband. He already suspects, and what goes through his mind is likely total torture, every hour of his life. It will be a relief for him to know the truth, instead of his imagination running wild. Also, the longer you wait, the more foolish he will feel. Is that fair to him?

As for divorce, I suspect that being open about your affair will provide ample reason for your parents, and his, if needed, to approve a divorce. But it seems like discovery is the key thing you're trying to avoid here. Divorce is not easy in India, but the 1955 Marriage Act allows for it for a number of reasons, including adultery. Guess what, you qualify.

Do the right thing. Be honest with your husband. Tell him the truth about the affair. And make sure boyfriend knows you're going to do so, and still wants to stick around, because from his perspective, you keeping the affair secret might help preserve your share of your family's wealth.


----------



## LisaDiane

[email protected] said:


> Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
> I am now seeing someone (not my husband) that I am in love with. As it usually goes, we started off as friends a few years ago and now have before more. He’s so loving and caring and we have experiences my husband and I have never had.
> my husband and I did the whole separation thing (stayed away for a few months) and frankly I didn’t miss him at all. The first 2 months he was at his parents house and he didn’t bother contacting me.
> I’m so upset as I want to be with this new person. We’ve talked about our future, a family together. He’s even introduced me to his mum. His mum said he’s never spoken about another woman like he does about me, and she told me how happy she is I’ve “domesticated her son” (this is our little secret haha). His mum is great and I already feel very connected to her. The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me. I haven’t slept with my husband since may this year. When he touches me i tell him to stop. What can I do? The only sure way of being able to get a divorce is if I tell ppl about my boyfriend. But then the family won’t accept him as we’ve had an affair and obviously that’s a bad thing.
> my husband needs someone he’s compatible with and I need to be with who I love.
> Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
> Thanks!


I don't really understand the point of your posts....what are you looking for exactly? 

WHY would you get back together with your husband when you don't love him and he didn't seem to care about being apart from you? 

Why don't you have the courage to be an honest and REAL person, and go after what you want that will make you happy, and OWN your own choices?? Why do you believe that deceiving everyone around you (especially your parents) is the loving, more honorable thing to do? Because it's NOT.

Stop lying and hiding everything and openly live the life that makes you happy.


----------



## Beach123

It doesn’t matter what others think.
You aren’t being honest about the life you’re living. Get honest!
The people you claim to love have no idea who you are = because you’ve been dishonest about who you are and what you do.

Just get honest. It takes so much more effort to lie and cover up. Stop lying. Start living the life you want to live. Others can adjust to the “real you”.


----------



## SunCMars

[email protected] said:


> yes
> 
> Yes, if I can end the marriage without him knowing i am seeing someone else, the better. It would save him so much heartbreak. I have seen flirty messages with him and other women and i know the pain of being cheated on. worst feeling ever, and if I can get this divorce without him going through that, the better.


OK, so, he too is guilty of straying. 

Know that many here are schooled in the knowledge, such that waywards often rewrite the marriage to excuse their infidelity.

Flirty messaging is not the same as touching in the flesh.
If this is the case with him..

Keep in mind, it is you (also) that will be spared from the shame of cheating, by hiding the truth.

Make the divorce yourself and do it quickly.

I can tolerate your reasoning (if true) but not any more lying.

Expect to be caught in your lie, your lying naked with your BF, while married.
These things always seem to be found out.




_Lilith-_


----------



## [email protected]

Beach123 said:


> It doesn’t matter what others think.
> You aren’t being honest about the life you’re living. Get honest!
> The people you claim to love have no idea who you are = because you’ve been dishonest about who you are and what you do.
> 
> Just get honest. It takes so much more effort to lie and cover up. Stop lying. Start living the life you want to live. Others can adjust to the “real you”.


So my mum isn't talking to me properly anymore because I have a guy FRIEND. my dad said he's "broken" and cant sleep when i wanted a divorce. 
So I kinda have to care what others think. and i have to be dishonest. Because if they have an issue with my being friends with guys or wanting a divorce to be happy, imagine them hearing i am having an affair.

Also, i haven't slept with my husband since May this year. Because (believe it or not.... I am not a cheater) and I don't want to cheat on the BF because I genuinely really love him. I want a monogamous relationship with someone i actually care and love. I kissed my husband a few months ago and felt NOTHING. i even keep telling him there is no passion or love left here. 

This is just a **** show and I'm getting tired of my parents not understanding that divorcing someone where there is no love anymore isn't a tabboo.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

[email protected] said:


> So my mum isn't talking to me properly anymore because I have a guy FRIEND. my dad said he's "broken" and cant sleep when i wanted a divorce.
> So I kinda have to care what others think. and i have to be dishonest. Because if they have an issue with my being friends with guys or wanting a divorce to be happy, imagine them hearing i am having an affair.
> 
> Also, i haven't slept with my husband since May this year. Because (believe it or not.... I am not a cheater) and I don't want to cheat on the BF because I genuinely really love him. I want a monogamous relationship with someone i actually care and love. I kissed my husband a few months ago and felt NOTHING. i even keep telling him there is no passion or love left here.
> 
> This is just a **** show and I'm getting tired of my parents not understanding that divorcing someone where there is no love anymore isn't a tabboo.


LOL, you're not a cheater, ROFLMAO. That's a good one, classic. Typical behavior of many cheaters.

Married + sex with someone not you spouse(w/out permission) = cheater This is basic math


----------



## [email protected]

BigDaddyNY said:


> LOL, you're not a cheater, ROLFMAO. That's a good one, classic. Typical behavior of many cheaters.
> 
> Married + sex with someone not you spouse(w/out permission) = cheater This is basic math


I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat. 

Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


----------



## Casual Observer

[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.
> 
> Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


It doesn’t work that way. If you have a mindset that allows you to discard your sacred vows, and not confess to your husband so the two of you can deal with it, there’s a pretty good chance it will happen again down the road with new guy. New guy has already shown massive disrespect for marriage as it is. The two of you together… odds are not good.


----------



## LisaDiane

[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.
> 
> Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


Maybe so, but the reality is that you are actually a deceiver, which to me is worse.

You are lying to everyone, instead of living your life with integrity and honesty, and dealing with the consequences of your choices like a mature adult. You aren't going to get much understanding on here (or anywhere, I imagine) for for tricking people because you only care about making things easy for yourself.

Your husband may not love you anymore and your marriage might be over, but as long as you are lying to him and your parents about it, you are making BAD choices and won't be happy.


----------



## TXTrini

[email protected] said:


> So my mum isn't talking to me properly anymore because I have a guy FRIEND. my dad said he's "broken" and cant sleep when i wanted a divorce.
> So I kinda have to care what others think. and i have to be dishonest. Because if they have an issue with my being friends with guys or wanting a divorce to be happy, imagine them hearing i am having an affair.
> 
> Also, i haven't slept with my husband since May this year. Because (believe it or not.... I am not a cheater) and I don't want to cheat on the BF because I genuinely really love him. I want a monogamous relationship with someone i actually care and love. I kissed my husband a few months ago and felt NOTHING. i even keep telling him there is no passion or love left here.
> 
> This is just a **** show and I'm getting tired of my parents not understanding that divorcing someone where there is no love anymore isn't a tabboo.





[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.
> 
> Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


Why are you contorting yourself to explain away your actions to an anonymous board? Is it making anything better for you or your family?


----------



## ConanHub

She been taking walks in hotdog parks.

She been shopping at bubba's bologna barn.


----------



## ConanHub

OP, you are showing no character, integrity or responsibility which are all attributes someone needs to have a successful adult relationship.

Grow up and own your choices before getting into another relationship.

Your boyfriend is scum for playing with a married woman.

Pull your head out.


----------



## A18S37K14H18

[email protected] said:


> Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.


Except you'll never find someone you love and respect that you won't cheat on... because you will never divorce your husband.


----------



## Casual Observer

[email protected] said:


> But what does a 20-something know other than “I love him and I won’t find anyone else”


If I recall, you said you were 26 when you married. That's old enough to have a clue.


[email protected] said:


> Also, i haven't slept with my husband since May this year. Because (believe it or not.... I am not a cheater) and I don't want to cheat on the BF because I genuinely really love him. I want a monogamous relationship with someone i actually care and love.





[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.
> Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


And then we get-


[email protected] said:


> Marriage just isn’t for me. I want to concentrate on my career and if I need male companionship I will get it as and when. But I can’t do this whole marry one person gig.





[email protected] said:


> Actually, he wants to marry me. He’s told everyone that. I’m the one that doesn’t want to marry him. I’ve done this marriage thing once and I’d rather have a life partner whom I love.


Well yes, clearly divorce is too much of a hassle for you when you get tired and start to cheat on the next guy. Much easier to just get up and leave. But... will you tell new guy why? Will you tell him about your new-new boyfriend who took his place? I guess whether you do or not, at least the present boyfriend won't have the shame and ridicule you suggest divorce will create for your husband.

Run the rest of your life however you wish. Your cheating boyfriend already understands your character, and his. But you owe it to let your husband know exactly what is going on. Regardless of whatever wrongs you feel he's dealt you in the past. Be honest and sincere and try to make a difference for the better.


----------



## MattMatt

@[email protected] I would suggest you find yourself a counsellor.


----------



## Evinrude58

[email protected] said:


> So my mum isn't talking to me properly anymore because I have a guy FRIEND. you don’t have a guy friend. He’s an affair partner. my dad said he's "broken" and cant sleep when i wanted a divorce. No, it’s because he knows you’re having an affair.
> So I kinda have to care what others think. and i have to be dishonest. Poor muffin, you are being forced to be dishonest! Because if they have an issue with my being friends with guys or wanting a divorce to be happy, imagine them hearing i am having an affair.
> 
> Also, i haven't slept with my husband since May this year. *Because (believe it or not.... I am not a cheater) and I don't want to cheat on the BF because I genuinely really love him. I* want a monogamous relationship with someone i actually care and love. I kissed my husband a few months ago and felt NOTHING. i even keep telling him there is no passion or love left here.
> 
> This is just a **** show and I'm getting tired of my parents not understanding that divorcing someone where there is no love anymore isn't a tabboo.


You must be mentally challenged. Yes, you absolutely, undoubtedly are a cheater.
Your mom isn’t totally stupid and knows your guy “friend” isn’t just a friend. Your dad is upset because he knows you are a cheater.
You’re not fooling anyone, and it’s very unlikely you’re fooling your husband.
Next, you’ll tell us you’re not a liar, the earth is flat, and the moon is made of Swiss cheese.

Good grief, just divorce and wreck someone else’s life and let your husband heal from the evil you’re perpetrating on him every day.

I feel sorry for him. Btw, you apparently thought you genuinely loved your husband for a while, too, since you say your parents didn’t want you to marry him. You did anyway. Stop claiming you can’t go against their wishes because it will “break them”. You apparently did so when you married the first time.
I don’t understand why you are oblivious to the fact that your parents know exactly what you’re doing, and are ashamed (reasonable reaction, btw) of what you’re doing.
Do what you’re going to do and stop dragging your feet.


----------



## aine

[email protected] said:


> Ok Yoda 😁😁
> And yes, only takes one to divorce. But you’re forgetting I’m Indian… I have to get consent from my parents. I’ve told them for over a year I’m unhappy. My dad keeps saying I should try harder. And that men take time to change, even up to 5-10 years. And I should so more of what he likes and maybe he’ll do what I like. And I should change my schedule to suite him, etc.
> I am looking for jobs abroad so i can get away from all this.


If there is no law saying you need your parents permission to divorce what is the issue? Do you need their blessing as part of your culture, inlaw issues etc, You have already broken the cultural value system by committing adultery so what’s one more by applying for divorce? Your parents will not agree but they wouldn’t agree to you being unfaithful either yet you don’t care so what is the issue? You are making this more complicated than necessary. Just proceed.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

Have you told your husband you want a divorce yet? If you aren't happy in the marriage and cheating on your husband, you should leave him and tell him the truth. Does your boyfriend know you are married? Wishing you luck and hope you make the right decisions moving forward.


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## [email protected]

aine said:


> If there is no law saying you need your parents permission to divorce what is the issue? Do you need their blessing as part of your culture, inlaw issues etc, You have already broken the cultural value system by committing adultery so what’s one more by applying for divorce? Your parents will not agree but they wouldn’t agree to you being unfaithful either yet you don’t care so what is the issue? You are making this more complicated than necessary. Just proceed.


This is what they texted me- 
It is a total NO from both of us, because your decision is made on wrong notions. There is no way we can support you in a matter that is ethically and morally wrong. 
More than hurting so many others, you will be hurting yourself a lot more. And you will realise that mistake when it is too late. So you better have a thorough and full discussion with us when you and we are all completely free and not rushed up so that we can analyse the whole situation minutely and PEACEFULLY and with an open mind. 
Getting angry is not going to get you anywhere.
That is all for now.


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## [email protected]

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Have you told your husband you want a divorce yet? If you aren't happy in the marriage and cheating on your husband, you should leave him and tell him the truth. Does your boyfriend know you are married? Wishing you luck and hope you make the right decisions moving forward.


Yup. For the past 2 years. Told him again yesterday he said “this is so sudden I need time to think”.
My boyfriend (and I) wants to start a family together. It’s hard for him but he’s being strong. Thank you for the luck


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## BigDaddyNY

[email protected] said:


> This is what they texted me-
> It is a total NO from both of us, because your decision is made on wrong notions. There is no way we can support you in a matter that is ethically and morally wrong.
> More than hurting so many others, you will be hurting yourself a lot more. And you will realise that mistake when it is too late. So you better have a thorough and full discussion with us when you and we are all completely free and not rushed up so that we can analyse the whole situation minutely and PEACEFULLY and with an open mind.
> Getting angry is not going to get you anywhere.
> That is all for now.


This is far to important of a subject to be engaging with them via text. You need to be braver and actually talk to them. 

That said, so what if they say it is a "total NO" to divorce? I'm 100% positive they would say the same if you asked to have an affair with another man, but that hasn't stopped you. Stop being a coward and do the right thing. 

Seriously, what other option do you have. You said you are in love and want to have a family with the OM. What are you planning? A double life? That is more honorable than divorcing and being with someone that makes you happy?


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## Rob_1

[email protected] said:


> And yes, only takes one to divorce. But you’re forgetting I’m Indian… I have to get consent from my parents.





[email protected] said:


> his is what they texted me-
> It is a total NO from both of us, because your decision is made on wrong notions.


Why does it matter that you're Indian? by the flag on your avatar you are not living in India, so what does it matter what they said? Indian laws and culture don't have any weight in South Africa. You can proceed as you wish with the divorce. neither your husband, nor your parents can't stop you from pursuing a divorce in SA.


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## [email protected]

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Have you told your husband you want a divorce yet? If you aren't happy in the marriage and cheating on your husband, you should leave him and tell him the truth. Does your boyfriend know you are married? Wishing you luck and hope you make the right decisions moving forward.


I did. On Sunday. 
he said the doesn’t have anyone in the world but me. And I have so many friend so it’s easy for me to move on.
boyfriend knows I’m married. Doesn’t like it one bit And we’re both aware what we’re doing is so immoral. But if I can just get the damn divorce and move on. Haven’t told the H about cheating on him. But I’m so close to snapping because at this stage I feel trapped


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.
> 
> Can you understand this concept? I am cheating, therefore in the PRESENT i am a cheater, but that doesn't mean my personality is that of a cheater and I will cheat on every partner I get.


Well, yes and no. You can see why it's hard for me at least to know which one of you is posting.

Seriously.


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## A18S37K14H18

[email protected] said:


> I knew something like this would happen. Yes, I am a cheater right now, But that doesn't mean when I find someone I love and respect that I will cheat.


OP,

That's BS.

I have no doubt when you met and married your current husband that you loved and respected him... how'd that work out for you?

So, you very well may love and respect the cheater you're current cheating on your spouse with (or some other man you'll meet someday), but when you no longer love and respect him... well, we know what you'll do... and so do you.


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## SusanJoAnn

[email protected] said:


> Hi all, I posted here some time ago. However, my situation had changed.
> I am now seeing someone (not my husband) that I am in love with. As it usually goes, we started off as friends a few years ago and now have before more. He’s so loving and caring and we have experiences my husband and I have never had.
> my husband and I did the whole separation thing (stayed away for a few months) and frankly I didn’t miss him at all. The first 2 months he was at his parents house and he didn’t bother contacting me.
> I’m so upset as I want to be with this new person. We’ve talked about our future, a family together. He’s even introduced me to his mum. His mum said he’s never spoken about another woman like he does about me, and she told me how happy she is I’ve “domesticated her son” (this is our little secret haha). His mum is great and I already feel very connected to her. The problem is I’ve told my parents and my husband straight up that I want a divorce. I didn’t mention the new man, but I told them how unhappy and unfulfilled I am. My parents said I have to stick in the marriage as me leaving would hurt many people. I sent my husband a long message before he went to climb a mountain, telling him what we have isn’t a marriage and we BOTH deserve to find happiness etc. He didn’t reply. Now that he’s back we’ve moved in together. Everyone is so so happy. Life has gone back to normal. Except for my Boyfriend and I. I hate living a lie but no one is listening to me. I haven’t slept with my husband since may this year. When he touches me i tell him to stop. What can I do? The only sure way of being able to get a divorce is if I tell ppl about my boyfriend. But then the family won’t accept him as we’ve had an affair and obviously that’s a bad thing.
> my husband needs someone he’s compatible with and I need to be with who I love.
> Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
> Thanks!


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## SusanJoAnn

Is there any history of abuse you're not talking to us about. Do you feel you'll be in physical danger if you leave.


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## SunCMars

You do not need your husbands permission to get divorced.

Read this..






How to get a divorce | South African Government







www.gov.za


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

You should either end the affair and stay with your husband, but you would have to be honest to him and tell him about the affair. He may even leave you once he finds out. Then you could go live with the other man and get divorced. Your husband may also forgive you though and want to stay with you. You would have to end the affair though. Which I don't think you will.

Other option just file for divorce. You need to stop seeing the other man till you have left your husband. Your husband does deserve to know. 

Other option. Leave both men and stay single for a while.


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## [email protected]

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP,
> 
> That's BS.
> 
> I have no doubt when you met and married your current husband that you loved and respected him... how'd that work out for you?
> 
> So, you very well may love and respect the cheater you're current cheating on your spouse with (or some other man you'll meet someday), but when you no longer love and respect him... well, we know what you'll do... and so do you.


I was actually thinking about it this morning, weirdly. I had tried breaking up with him even when we were dating but the thought of being alone scared me. Loneliness is a scary thing. I have now grownup, matured, etc and realize being alone is way better than being with someone you don’t respect and resent. In fact when we separated for 3 months and I lived alone it was the best time of my life. I felt so empowered and responsible. I would not rely on him for things I previously did, i would get stuff fixed around the house myself. Oh, what a beautiful feeling. Even my parents said they could see how genuinely happy I was (yet clearly they don’t care if they’re refusing a divorce).


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## [email protected]

SusanJoAnn said:


> Is there any history of abuse you're not talking to us about. Do you feel you'll be in physical danger if you leave.


He does have a temper and he’s said to me “oh I feel like hitting you so bad right now”. But I can say he’s never actually hit me. Just smacked me (which I thought also wasn’t right but apparently I was over reacting). But he has been manipulative and verbally abusive. I don’t think he’d full on hit me, though


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## [email protected]

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> You should either end the affair and stay with your husband, but you would have to be honest to him and tell him about the affair. He may even leave you once he finds out. Then you could go live with the other man and get divorced. Your husband may also forgive you though and want to stay with you. You would have to end the affair though. Which I don't think you will.
> 
> Other option just file for divorce. You need to stop seeing the other man till you have left your husband. Your husband does deserve to know.
> 
> Other option. Leave both men and stay single for a while.


I like the third option, tweaked a little. Live alone, enjoy my company. Be independent and then go on dates and spend some nights with the BF. At least for a few years


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## [email protected]

SunCMars said:


> You do not need your husbands permission to get divorced.
> 
> Read this..
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> How to get a divorce | South African Government
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.gov.za


Thanks!!


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## [email protected]

Also, regardless of me having an affair how many times can you tell a man “I am not happy, this isn’t working, we should see other people, I want a divorce” until he understands?
It’s been 1.5 years of this ****.
I’ve been broken up with before (most of us have). I cried, tried, healed and moved on


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## gr8ful1

[email protected] said:


> Also, regardless of me having an affair how many times can you tell a man “I am not happy, this isn’t working, we should see other people, I want a divorce” until he understands?
> It’s been 1.5 years of this ****.
> I’ve been broken up with before (most of us have). I cried, tried, healed and moved on


If you *actually* wanted to divorce, you‘d tell your husband about your BF, which I can nearly guarantee would get him to agree to D, but you won’t. I don’t think you actually want a divorce. I also doubt you’re willing to be honest with us what it is you actually want.


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## [email protected]

gr8ful1 said:


> If you *actually* wanted to divorce, you‘d tell your husband about your BF, which I can nearly guarantee would get him to agree to D, but you won’t. I don’t think you actually want a divorce. I also doubt you’re willing to be honest with us what it is you actually want.


I’ve actually spoken to my parents this afternoon. We’re meeting a lawyer next week!
I can’t tell him about an extra marital affair (for legal purposes)


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## DownByTheRiver

I'm just relieved you finally acted like an adult with your parents. Because as long as you're letting anyone else call the shots, you are not being an adult yourself. You waited for them for permission to get a divorce. What happens when you have kids? Who's going to tell you what to do then?


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## oldtruck

[email protected] said:


> I did tell him. This is what I texted him-
> I still feel we need to divorce. Although we had fun there is nothing more there. Please take this trip to reflect on everything. Our life, your future. There is more to life than just being married to me and this mediocre marriage. And you deserve more. Trust me when I say you deserve better than me.
> 
> I think this should be a reflexive trip for you so when you’re up there with your thoughts think about everything and all the different opportunities and better way your life can be.
> 
> You’re a great person and so loyal and caring. You deserve someone like you. And I am there by your side always. But just not under this institution of ‘marriage’.
> 
> I’m sorry that after all these years of trying it’s just not working. Since 2007 I’ve been working at this and although we’ve had ups and downs over time it became clear we’re good for each other, just not as husband & wife. I don’t know what else I can say to make you understand.
> 
> My wish is you find someone more compatible with you & you have a good life with her. And I will be there by your side encouraging & supporting you.
> 
> There’s no shame in realizing that marriage isn’t meant for me and you together. And there’s definitely nothing wrong in ending it on good terms and remaining friends as we move through our own lives.
> 
> So pls take this time to reflect. I will always love you & you’ll always have my support


Where is the part you told your BH that you are having sex with the OM?


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## A18S37K14H18

oldtruck said:


> Where is the part you told your BH that you are having sex with the OM?


She's a cake eater. I mean, she said this "And there’s definitely nothing wrong in ending it on good terms and remaining friends as we move through our own lives."

She wants to keep him in the dark. She's trying to minimize the fallout... for HERSELF.

It's all about her, she's ****t ing on him and she's going to keep on ****t ing on him too.


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## LisaDiane

A18S37K14H18 said:


> She's a cake eater. I mean, she said this "And there’s definitely nothing wrong in ending it on good terms and remaining friends as we move through our own lives."
> 
> She wants to keep him in the dark. She's trying to minimize the fallout... for HERSELF.
> 
> It's all about her, she's ****t ing on him and she's going to keep on ****t ing on him too.


She said something about not being able to tell him for legal reasons. So it might not just be about taking advantage of him.

While I certainly don't condone the cheating and lying, I don't think her situation can be compared exactly to that of an independent American woman like I am.

There are issues she is dealing with that I simply cannot understand, nor have I ever lived with them.


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## gr8ful1

LisaDiane said:


> She said something about not being able to tell him for legal reasons.


My guess is the ”legal reasons” would be negative legal/settlement consequences for committing adultery. Can’t have that now can we!?!


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## [email protected]

Well, I told my parents about my BF. Later we had a meeting (me, my parents, my husband, his parents) and my in laws said there is no option for a divorce. And my parents didn't defend me, even though I asked "so if i don't want to work on this marriage and move on that's not allowed?" and all 4 parents said no. And my mother in law did ask if we are seeing someone and both of us said no. I should have said yes, but i think its better to tell my husband first. 

and yes, i was worried for legal purposes that since I'm having an affair he'd get all the assets. And my parents paid so its their money that I can't waste. But at this point if i told them and they're not supporting me then i don't know. 

The worst feeling is to feel trapped. How much can I tell people i don't want to be in a marriage. that should be enough reason. And now my husband is happily singing every day, calling me names and spanking my ass (I feel violated) like everything is ok. I just don't understand his behaviour. If someone told me they didn't want to be with me several times even without a "real" explanation I would leave.


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## Rob_1

Oh please, cut the Martyr excuses and stop being led by others. YOU are in South Africa, not in India. You can divorce by SA laws. No need to get anyone's permission. You're a grown up woman, not a child, act like one.

You say you love your affair partner. I don't think so, because if you did you would be divorcing without anyone's permission.


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## [email protected]

Rob_1 said:


> Oh please, cut the Martyr excuses and stop being led by others. YOU are in South Africa, not in India. You can divorce by SA laws. No need to get anyone's permission. You're a grown up woman, not a child, act like one.
> 
> You say you love your affair partner. I don't think so, because if you did you would be divorcing without anyone's permission.


you clearly don't understand Indian households.


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## Landofblue

You have chosen a difficult path and therefore you have difficult choices to make. Honestly the only advice we can give you is to break free from both your H and your parents and find your own way in this world. If you want yo have the man you truly love it’s the only way.

We are not going to tell you to stay with your husband and then cheat with your boyfriend.

Either stay with your husband and drop the other man. Or take our recommendations, do the difficult thing of finding a lawyer on your own, and file for divorce.

Your parents will comeback around over time. And if they don’t, that is their problem. You are a human being with your own independence, whether your culture agrees with that doesn’t make it any less true.

If you truly want this, only you are going to be able to make it happen. Stop relying on others to do so.


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## BigDaddyNY

[email protected] said:


> you clearly don't understand Indian households.


You have the free will to choose what you want to do. Right now you are choosing to be a cheater and remain married. The reasons are 100% irrelevant. The right thing to do is tell you husband right now that you aren't in love with him, but you are in love and sexually active with another man. Anything else is being deceitful and a liar. If you are okay with being a deceitful liar then carry on...


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## Openminded

[email protected] said:


> you clearly don't understand Indian households.


But you do, and have always have, so why would you expect a different reaction from them?


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## [email protected]

Openminded said:


> But you do, and have always have, so why would you expect a different reaction from them?


True, actually. I shouldn't have expected any different from them. and they are right in their reaction (on their side) but I have to stick to my happiness and get out of this marriage


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## [email protected]

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have the free will to choose what you want to do. Right now you are choosing to be a cheater and remain married. The reasons are 100% irrelevant. The right thing to do is tell you husband right now that you aren't in love with him, but you are in love and sexually active with another man. Anything else is being deceitful and a liar. If you are okay with being a deceitful liar then carry on...


I've told home several times i do not love him. I am trying to not tell him about the boyfriend as as i said earlier that's a bad bad pain to go through, But if i have told him to many times i don't love him and want a divorce and he ignores me I'm going to loose my sh*t and snap one day


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## [email protected]

Landofblue said:


> You have chosen a difficult path and therefore you have difficult choices to make. Honestly the only advice we can give you is to break free from both your H and your parents and find your own way in this world. If you want yo have the man you truly love it’s the only way.
> 
> We are not going to tell you to stay with your husband and then cheat with your boyfriend.
> 
> Either stay with your husband and drop the other man. Or take our recommendations, do the difficult thing of finding a lawyer on your own, and file for divorce.
> 
> Your parents will comeback around over time. And if they don’t, that is their problem. You are a human being with your own independence, whether your culture agrees with that doesn’t make it any less true.
> 
> If you truly want this, only you are going to be able to make it happen. Stop relying on others to do so.


Yes, you are absolutely right, if my parents come around they will. I have spent 32 years considering their feelings. Its my time. I want to sell the house, give them their money back and start from scratch with my boyfriend. It really sounds easier but when parents manipulate and say how sick they've fallen because of my actions its hard.

His mum is also not happy, but she has seen how happy we are together and is accepting it as best she can.


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## BigDaddyNY

[email protected] said:


> I've told home several times i do not love him. I am trying to not tell him about the boyfriend as as i said earlier that's a bad bad pain to go through, But if i have told him to many times i don't love him and want a divorce and he ignores me I'm going to loose my sh*t and snap one day


So you are concerned enough about your husband's feeling that you won't tell him you are having an affair, but not so much to stop you from having sex with your AP. You have a seriously twisted moral compass. You are really nothing more than just another lying cheater and coward. You've completely justified your immoral behavior in your mind to relieve yourself of your guilt.


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## Lostinthought61

i think it would have been wiser to have waited to date after you were divorce but you are where you are, i am also guessing that this new man will wait until the dust settles before openly dating you in public where you can be seen together. But keep in mind he may be patience now but that too can change if no progress happens. I think you first course of action is to sit down with your husband and tell him you are no longer in love with him, now in all probability he will come back with, you can learn to love him again which to be honest will never happen while you are seeing and loving this other man. So you can see where your husband not knowing any of this will not concede to a divorce...he will be patience and wait this out with you. Depending on how you truly feel you may want to rip this band aid marriage, by declaring your love for another and allow the pain to occur making it quick and walking away with nothing to start a new life with this guy. So a couple questions 

1. Is this new man willing to take you with nothing ? 
2. Are you both willing to start with nothing ? 
3. Are you sure that your husband did not see anyone during his separation from you ? 
4. How much did you family contribute to the marriage and are you willing to pay them back? 
5. Are you sure that you and your current husband are a mismatch? Is there absolutely no love for him?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

[email protected] said:


> Have people gone through anything similar? Can you pls advise?
> Thanks!


Good question - thoughtful. Can he find somebody not at all connected? Sounds dicy. Probably should have included him the process.


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## drencrom

[email protected] said:


> What can I do?


File for divorce and set your husband free.


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## drencrom

[email protected] said:


> and yes, i was worried for legal purposes that since I'm having an affair he'd get all the assets.


Well 1) I don't know where you live, but that sounds like a load of bunk. In the US that isn't the way it works.

And 2) if that is the way it works where you are, tough. You cheated on him. I know, I know...that shouldn't get him ALL the assets. Or did you sign a prenup?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26

jlg07 said:


> You realize that your parents are manipulating you, yes? THEY want you to stay married so that THEY don't look like they've failed raising you with the correct cultural beliefs.
> The reality is that you DO NOT want to stay married to someone who treats you like your H does, and you need to be crystal clear to your parents about this. You DO NOT want to "wait" for 5-10 years to see if your H will change (he won't).
> As for you carrying on with your bf in front of all your co-workers, etc. -- how do you think your H will feel when he finds out? He will feel like a laughing stock -- that everyone knew except him. Can you see how devastating that would be to him?
> 
> Do the right thing here -- TELL your parents you want to divorce, file for divorce, and tell your H that you are carrying on with this other man.


Is the H mentally able to understand?


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## [email protected]

Lostinthought61 said:


> 1. Is this new man willing to take you with nothing ?
> 2. Are you both willing to start with nothing ?
> 3. Are you sure that your husband did not see anyone during his separation from you ?
> 4. How much did you family contribute to the marriage and are you willing to pay them back?
> 5. Are you sure that you and your current husband are a mismatch? Is there absolutely no love for him?


 Thanks for the detailed response was super busy at work!!
1. Is this new man willing to take you with nothing - Yes, we've talked about this and I've made it clear we'd have to start from scratch
2. Are you both willing to start with nothing - I have always had a cushy life. Starting from nothing will be a new experience for me! 
3. Are you sure that your husband did not see anyone during his separation from you - Yes, very very sure. He is not at all social and barely goes out. He is, however, texting a girl all the way in Canada. he says they're just friends but he keeps deleting her messages so clearly he doesn't want anyone to see.
4. How much did you family contribute to the marriage and are you willing to pay them back- In total they contributed USD 104,940 to the marriage, house and also my parents paid for my H and I to holiday with them in India. I have remembered and want to pay them back (for the holiday), but my H is ok with others paying for him. With regards to everything else, yes, i want to pay them back. THey have done enough for me, they are now 70+ and need to retire peacefully.
5. Are you sure that you and your current husband are a mismatch? Is there absolutely no love for him- no love but more importantly no respect! I look at him and feel repulsed. Even when he touches me i cringe. I can not ever be with him in a physical way again.


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## [email protected]

24NitroglyceriN26 said:


> Is the H mentally able to understand?


Don't think so. I have told him over the last 1.5 years and he's still in denial. Its also so hard for me to keep bringing up the topic for divorce. Im not a mean person so when he brushes it under the rug i am usually friendly and never hostile with him, which gives him false hope i guess!


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## [email protected]

drencrom said:


> Well 1) I don't know where you live, but that sounds like a load of bunk. In the US that isn't the way it works.
> 
> And 2) if that is the way it works where you are, tough. You cheated on him. I know, I know...that shouldn't get him ALL the assets. Or did you sign a prenup?


1) I always thought the other person gets the assets if one has an affair. I m going to be talking to the lawyer about this. if its not the case then that's great for me. as its not my money (I mentioned elsewhere its my parents money and i don't want them to loose it)

2) yes, as i said i can loose everything i just want to get out of the marriage. but its my parents money and i need to be careful. I am looking to sell the house and divide the money equally and then give my parents all of "my half". So that's y its a tricky situation


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## [email protected]

drencrom said:


> File for divorce and set your husband free.


set him and i both free


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## [email protected]

BigDaddyNY said:


> So you are concerned enough about your husband's feeling that you won't tell him you are having an affair, but not so much to stop you from having sex with your AP. You have a seriously twisted moral compass. You are really nothing more than just another lying cheater and coward. You've completely justified your immoral behavior in your mind to relieve yourself of your guilt.


possibly.


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## drencrom

[email protected] said:


> Thanks for the detailed response was super busy at work!!
> 1. Is this new man willing to take you with nothing - Yes, we've talked about this and I've made it clear we'd have to start from scratch


Well there you go.

But I read some on South Africa divorce and I think you are wrong about him getting all the assets just because you cheated.

If he can prove that you spent a great deal of money with or on this OM, then he could recoup that. But all the assets? I don't think so.

So do him a favor, quit wasting any more of his short time on this planet and divorce him. Set him free from you.


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## drencrom

[email protected] said:


> set him and i both free


If that's the way you want to look at it, whatever, but you already pretty much set yourself free and are getting what you want while keeping him in the dark.

So he is the one that really needs set free as you are denying him this with lying by omission.


----------

