# Torn between my old life and new



## Wanderer14

I met my wife when we were young and married at 25 she 24. I loved her but started to have feelings that she depended on me a lot. We had very little deep conversations and would get through our nights watching trash tv, she wasn't very intelligent and we didn't share interests in what was going on in the world, she had no real dreams or goals apart from children and to be a stay at home mum, I wanted to strive and grow however she was stagnant and wasn't ambitious in any way but I did love her she had good morals and was kind, loyal and my family loved her. My wife was adamant she wanted a child and we had a baby daughter together. I was ready to have a child as I wasn't getting any younger i wanted to be a father and believed this would make her grow up as a person and want to be successful for our child. I love my daughter very much but instead of bringing us together the struggles of being parents made us drift even further apart. We had different views on how to parent and sex became non existent. I tried to make time for just us but this was never the case as my wife didn't want to give up any nights without our daughter and we drifted for 4 years. I began to drink a lot alone each evening and our communication became mumbles to each other. I felt trapped and started looking for a way out. We attempted councilling on a number of occasions but I had well and truly checked out. 
Now this is where I will be hounded by you all but I met a girl on a business trip and we began to speak over the Internet regularly. We connected on every level which I had never had before with my wife and feelings grew very strong, interests dreams goals we would talk for hours, she had a child of similar age to my daughter and as a few months past I believed, after much deliberation, it was time to find the courage to leave my wife but wanted to maintain a strong relationship with my daughter. The Devastion on leaving went far and wide and ripples were felt through family and friends, my wife was devastated and couldn't accept what was going on. I stayed with friends for a short time before moving in with the girl I had met and her child 90 miles away. When my wife found out about my new relationship she was on her knees and I feel bad for how I went about things. I was At last happy but I did feel terrible for putting everyone through it. I continued to have regular contact with my daughter every other weekend, she has since met my new girlfriend and they get on great. Now a year down the line I have been to see a solicitor for divorce proceedings however something is stopping me from going ahead, I love my girlfriend with all my heart we are perfect for each other but I'm again unhappy, Iv started to become jealous over her and have caught myself checking her computer with no real reason as to why. I am helping raise her child which instead of being a nourishing feeling actually hurts that it's not my daughter. I feel huge guilt and the days we have both kids together just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like a unit and it shows. I now have financial problems and I'v been diagnosed with something I never thought I would have, depression. My wife still wishes to rekindle our relationship and go back to being a family, she has started to look for other jobs, is doing everything to change and something I thought I would never consider is starting to run through my head. I'm now massively torn. I know people will say the grass was not greener and I made my bed, I have read countless blogs and threads looking for the answer I just don't know what to do anymore and feel totally lost. Iv attended independent Councilling which does not seem to be helping in anyway. My girlfriend knows I'm low as Iv started to be distant but she can't understand why I'm unable to push on with the divorce. I just don't know where to turn anymore and it's totally encompassing my life, I have lost family, friends a home I worked hard for as well as not being there for my daughter full time which is effecting her massively both at home and school. I just don't feel that love for my wife, I find myself driving past my old house some evenings and I sometimes long for my family again but when I think of losing my girlfriend my heart sinks. I know I probably will be berated by all and expect it but I hope in telling my story I will find an answer to crawl out the depression I have found myself in as I don't know where else to turn, Iv lost weight and it's effecting everything I do. Has anyone went through similar I would appreciate hearing from others who have gone through what I am dealing with, Thankyou in advance


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## kwood

You made vowes to your wife not your girl friend. You did not say for better or worse or until somebody better comes along. You have torn your wife and your childs life apart because you could not keep your word and you worried more about you being happy then what you were doing to their lifes. And what kinda woman would date a married man? She has no care for your family either. I belive you need to get rid of the girl friend and work like hell to fix things with your wife. And become a man of your word and start putting your family first.


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## survive_to_die

Wanderer,
You have an awesome opporunity in front of you that most men in your situation would literally do ANYTHING for. I know that might not make the choice seem easier, but allow yourself sometime to really step back an soak in the big picture of what awaits in the future for you and your wife.

I've read your post twice, and I've noticed a few things I'd like you to consider. I say this from personal experience, not as someone looking down on you. First, your actions and your explanation of your situation is rooted in a lot of selfishness on your part. Re-read your post a few more times and notice it's all about you, how someone made you feel, or how you've made others feel.

I realize your intentions may come from a good place in thinking of other's feelings, but it's ultimately shown in a selfish focus on what you think or feel. Regardless of your decision (which I will address soon) you need to really make being less selfish a priority. Go into personal therapy with that as a goal. Therapy won't be helpful without you brining in goals and complete honesty with your therapist.

It's time to man-the-f**k-up. You loved your wife, you married your wife, you made promises to your wife. You created another, beautiful human being with your life. Stop thinking about yourself. You are in the wrong. Regardless of how your wife let herself go, or any expectations she "didnt meet" for you, you being a man first requires you to remember those promises and reaponsibilities YOU made for yourself. No more blaming others.

Leave your girlfriend. The most selfish you've ever been was leaving your wife for her. That's not the way to be a man you can look in the mirror and respect. Your wife wants you back. I would literally give anytbing for my wife to say those words to me. But even now you just talk about what she's doing to get you back.

Again, man up and think about what YOU need to do and who you need to be to even deserve to be taken back by your wife. Even if she doesnt ask you or require you to, you have to work on being the best man you can be when you return to your wife. Then never stop. Never stop trying to be a better man. Cut the drinking out, cut out feeling sorry for yourself. Focus on what your wife needs and how to better communicate your needs to her. Focus on your daughter's need. Your g/f daughter doesnt deserve anytbing from you and that was wrong of her mother to put you in the position of "possible new daddy".

As much time as you've spent reading about your situation and how you feel, use that time to read about what makes a man respectable, honorable, worthy of trust. Study relationship material on how to communicate better and have a real relationship with your wife. 

Your job isnt to change her or make her live up to your expectations, but I have a feeling if she see's a new you, one that's kind, sensitive, strong, loving, confident and commited she'll also gain confidence and comfort and want to improve herself.

Go back to your wife and daughter. You CAN reconnect with her and fall back in love. This site is full of those stories. But understand that when you go back to her, she's giving you a priceless gift. Earn it. Ever day of your life for the rest of your life.


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## Marduk

Move back and help raise your daughter. 

My god man, what have you done by abandoning her?

Any romantic relationships you have are a distant second place to being a father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort

Congrats! You got a woman willing to fvck a married man who walks out on his wife and daughter ..... sounds like a real gem.

Give it time, your wife will get over it and find someone else to help raise your daughter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SamuraiJack

The old life you had died when you left your wife.

You have no choice but to begin a new life with her or with the GF.

Time to suck it up.


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## Woodchuck

So many words come to mind when I read your story. None of them flattering...

It is futile wondering which family you decide to bestow the great gift of your presence upon...I cannot imagine either being made better by you condescending to join them..... 

You owe a lifelong penance to both women and both children...I doubt you make even a paltry down payment...

But take heart. Had this been 100 years ago, male neighbors and in-laws would, even as I write this message, be selecting a sturdy horse whip, cutting a suitable rail, warming up tar, and plucking feathers....

The term cad is an old one which describes a man who behaves dishonorably or irresponsibly toward women, and children...I think it fits marvelously in your case...Sometimes the old words are best. 

I hope your next words will be of abject sorrow and contrition..
I do not expect them....

Surprise us...


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## Satya

So in that long story, the digest seems to be that you cheated on your wife, unless I'm wrong. Were you even legally separated? 

Fair enough if you lost love for your wife, but you should have divorced. You opened one door before closing the other. 

Oh, and the grass is greener on the side you water. Which side that will be... Well, that's up to you, not us.


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## NoChoice

OP,
So often on these boards we find men and women that are searching for what they believe will make them happy. In almost every case they are disappointed. Do you know why? It is because happiness comes from within. I know a man who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He is middle aged and I had the opportunity to speak with him recently. He expressed how this disease has caused him to reevaluate and reconnect his life and he actually said that he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. Through chemo and pain and all that goes with it he is the happiest he has ever been.

If you continue to chase happiness, all you will ultimately do is leave a trail of pain and devastation in your wake. You are a father, a husband and a man, is it not time you began to act as such? Your daughter needs a father, one who is more concerned for her well being than he is his own. Your wife needs a husband, one who is dedicated and committed to loving and protecting her and his family. Are you that man or will you continue to chase that which can only be found inside of you?

If you can grow up, face life and accept that life is truly what you make it, then I would advise you go back to your wife, beg her forgiveness and spend the rest of your life making it up to her and your daughter by being the best H and father you can be. If not, D and let her find such a man to do what you are not yet man enough to accept.

One last thought. You mentioned your wife not being motivated to excel and find a career. Allow me to posit that being a mother is the most important job on planet earth. What career is more important than molding and shaping the next generation of society? I would suggest that you reevaluate what you deem important, it may go a long way towards helping you understand life and what really matters. Good fortune to you.


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## brooklynAnn

Wanderer, I think you are one of those people who would never be satisfied with your life, no matter where you are at. You will always be looking over the fence wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. 

Your happiness does not depend on how smart your wife is or culturally aware she is. Your happinesses is found inside of you. You need to figure out why you are so unsatisfied with your life. What would it take to make you happy? 

I know the advice is to return to your wife but I would advice you spend some time by yourself and get to know you. Leave the gf and try building a relationship with your own daughter. 

Being a father is the most important thing you would do in your life. The man you are today, is the man your daughter will be looking for in a mate in time. You want to give your daughter all the love and attention you can at this time. You are her knight and you are doing a piss poor job of it now. Your love and attention will mold her into a confident and strong young lady. 

You need to be the father that she would be proud of and she can depend on. Not what you are doing now. You are showing her that you cant be trusted. That she cant rely on you because you are chasing your rainbow. You will leave her and your words means nothing. 

I hope this is not what you want to teach your daughter. You want your child to trust and depend on you no matter what. Because that's the way her dad is.

Make up your mind. Times a wasting and your daughter is quickly growing up.


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## survive_to_die

> Wanderer, I think you are one of those people who would never be satisfied with your life, no matter where you are at. You will always be looking over the fence wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.
> 
> Your happiness does not depend on how smart your wife is or culturally aware she is. Your happinesses is found inside of you. You need to figure out why you are so unsatisfied with your life. What would it take to make you happy?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

I've been that type of man whole life. I'm trying to break the habit. Its very, very hard to stop looking at life this way. But once you start, the true contentment and happiness that comes with being happy with yourself and who you are is only magnified by a new-found appreciation for the people and things in your life.


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## Wanderer14

Thank you all for your replies they are insightful and mean a lot, I have some serious decisions to make in moving forward as I am aware that it is ultimately not only affecting me but isn't fair on all concerned. I believe my indecision boils down to my fear of having yet more regrets with either losing my wife, being there full time for my daughter and a home (although I am aware I initially made this decision), losing my girlfriend whom I love very much or losing all (taking time out). There is going to be no perfect outcome which I am coming to terms with.
When initially leaving I was happy with my decision, I felt it was the right thing to do for all concerned including my daughter as the atmosphere she was growing up in wasn't healthy for her and I couldn't see why everyone else couldn't support my decision, but on hindsight this feeling may have been an illusion concocted from the initial honeymoon period with my girlfriend. Now that the dust has settled I do miss aspects of my old life especially my daughter but again can't conjure up any love for my wife, she says to this day she know's what went wrong and will change as she so desperately wishes to piece her family back together I just wish I felt the same about her, is this something that could ever be present? Has anyone been in this situation where they have returned and it has worked?. 
I am continuing with independent Councilling, I love my girlfriend very much we connect on so many levels but I have become distant with her and her daughter, when I teach her child new things or we play I struggle to hold in my sadness as my heart pines for my daughter who is missing me 90 miles away, sometimes I feel if I am unhappy now why don't I just go back and be unhappy, but in my home and with my daughter as unhealthy and pathetic as that sounds. Thanks again for your replies I do take them all on board I expect the berating as I know I only have myself to blame.


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## Mostlycontent

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> So often on these boards we find men and women that are searching for what they believe will make them happy. In almost every case they are disappointed. Do you know why? It is because happiness comes from within. I know a man who was diagnosed with a terminal illness. He is middle aged and I had the opportunity to speak with him recently. He expressed how this disease has caused him to reevaluate and reconnect his life and he actually said that he was the happiest he had ever been in his life. Through chemo and pain and all that goes with it he is the happiest he has ever been.
> 
> If you continue to chase happiness, all you will ultimately do is leave a trail of pain and devastation in your wake. You are a father, a husband and a man, is it not time you began to act as such? Your daughter needs a father, one who is more concerned for her well being than he is his own. Your wife needs a husband, one who is dedicated and committed to loving and protecting her and his family. Are you that man or will you continue to chase that which can only be found inside of you?
> 
> If you can grow up, face life and accept that life is truly what you make it, then I would advise you go back to your wife, beg her forgiveness and spend the rest of your life making it up to her and your daughter by being the best H and father you can be. If not, D and let her find such a man to do what you are not yet man enough to accept.


You hit the nail on the head, my good man. Happiness comes from within and is the byproduct of right living. I would wager that OP is depressed because he's not living life the way he should. He's not doing the right thing. And as you eloquently surmised, living life only for self and to please only self is not a happy one at all.

Now I'm no psychologist but I've yet to meet anyone who is not doing as they should that is truly happy. I don't think that is even possible.

I've been married for 30 years and I'll admit, when things have gotten tough that I've had fleeting thoughts of just leaving and running away to the Caribbean. But you know, when I think it all the way through, I would be miserable with guilt in very short order if I actually ever did it.

Abandoning all of one's commitments and obligations couldn't possibly make someone happy.


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## Wisdom Feeds

My advice to you. I'm not going to tell you that it was wrong to step out of your marriage even given the situation, it's evident that you knew that then and even more so now. What I can tell you is that you are reaping the repercussions of what stepping outside of the vows taken with your wife will do to you physically and emotionally. In order to mend your situation, you have to first start with yourself. You MUST leave the woman that you're with. Reason being is because you wrongfully entered into a relationship with her, that I can promise you will not end well simply because of the way you entered into it. Seek counseling for yourself. I know how important communication is in a marriage, along with the many other things it takes to maintain a healthy marriage. You are not excused for stepping out but those are reasons there are so many failed marriages. If your wife is willing to forgive you, your marriage can still be fixed. May take a long time because trust was broken and is now non existent, but it is a possibility. But if you're "torn" between the two women? Marriage isn't what you want, what you're feeling is only guilt. Your situation still wouldn't change. Sign the divorce papers. Leave the other woman. Fix your relationship with your child and move forward.


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## kwood

I still say you mad a commitment to your wife and you need to keep it .this is what is wrong with marriage today. You feel in love with somebody elese so the hell with your wife and what you have done to destroy her life.as long as you are happy. You say you love your daughter but not enought to keep from tearing her family apart.its all about you and how much you love your girl friend. I just dont understand how a real man leaves their wife and child the to people who shoud be the most inportant to you you are willing to through them away for somebody that has no respect for marriage or ypou family. But in the end as long as you are happy that is all that matters right? The hell with the people who has their lifes destoryed in the mean time.


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## cdbaker

It still sounds like you are focusing on your happiness as it relates to what each of your three options offer. Like will the life with my wife and daughter make me happier? Will the life with my girlfriend and her daughter (and my daughter extremely part time) make me happier? Or will walking away from both of them make me happier, and finding someone new?

As others have said, you find happiness WITHIN yourself. So honestly you could be happy in any of those situations, you just have to change your outlook, and work through your depression which will prevent any progress in that area. I'm sure this is what is causing your depression too. You created a tremendous amount of pain for those you care about most, and those who depended on you, with the goal of finding happiness with this other woman. Now you're realizing that happiness isn't there with her either, and it's not really her fault. You have regrets, and are depressed over the thought of having more regrets.

Anything you said about your life with your wife about how the marriage deteriorated over time and how she didn't measure up and yada yada yada, is pretty much irrelevant to me and a lot of us here on TAM. Once you've engaged romantically with another person, your views and perception of your marriage are naturally going to be twisted and viewed through a "negativity" lens. You should realize that, and understand that it is not fair for you to compare your life now with your GF vs. your life with your wife before.

One thing I want to touch on a bit deeper as it relates to your being a father to your daughter... You love her right? You want the best for her right? You want her to make good decisions as she grows up and not get hurt right? You also want her to find a good young man to fall in love with and make a future with, and as a man you know how few of them will measure up and be worthy of your daughter, and you know that she as an innocent young woman some day will be tempted by the charms of men who aren't worthy of her, will only want to use and abuse her. Here's the deal, YOU are her vision of what a man is, what a man should be, and what she should expect from a future husband. Let that sink in. You have to be the man that you want your daughter to fall in love with some day, so that she will find someone just like you. Any guy who doesn't measure up to you will get rejected, as they should be. 

As it stands, she'll grow up feeling that it's normal for men to break their commitments, that as a woman she should worry about other women luring her future husband away, that she has to be fearful of that and work harder for him or put up with potential abuse or other behavior in order to keep him. She'll worry that if it can happen to her mother, who she no doubt loves and believes to be a wonderful woman, then why can't it happen to her too?

At the VERY least, I want to highly recommend the following book for you, "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." It's a short read about how much influence you have in shaping her future, her confidence, her decision making, her future relationships, etc.

I'm also curious, you mentioned that you're wife has done a lot to change, and has promised other changes. In what kind of ways has she changed since you left? I think you are AMAZINGLY lucky that she has committed to such changes for you, and still wants you back. So yeah, ultimately I think you need to go back to your wife and daughter and when you do I think you need to make sure you are doing so with your entire commitment. None of this, "one foot in, one foot out the door" nonsense where you maintain contact with the GF, or leave any online dating profiles active or talk to other women. Inevitably that will lead you in the wrong direction and steal away your ability to reconnect with your wife effectively, especially while she is trying to reconnect with you.


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## survive_to_die

> you just have to change your outlook, and work through your depression which will prevent any progress in that area. I'm sure this is what is causing your depression too. You created a tremendous amount of pain for those you care about most, and those who depended on you, with the goal of finding happiness with this other woman. Now you're realizing that happiness isn't there with her either, and it's not really her fault. You have regrets, and are depressed over the thought of having more regrets.





> I think you are AMAZINGLY lucky that she has committed to such changes for you, and still wants you back. So yeah, ultimately I think you need to go back to your wife and daughter and when you do I think you need to make sure you are doing so with your entire commitment.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

When I became sober from alcohol, decided to quite my porn addiction and stop giving into my physical/emotional impulses, it was *LITERALLY* an instant decision to give it everything I have. Every previous attempt to conquer these addictions failed because I thought too much about surrounding issues and complications. I failed to just be decisive.

The road has been tough, it's kicked my ass a few times but I'm giving it my all.

Wanderer, don't get lost inside your head space. You know the right decision. Make it. Now. Don't wait, don't think.

Do the right thing and you'll find the happiness and the strength along the way to help you when you feel weak.


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## txcowby8

Wanderer14 said:


> I met my wife when we were young and married at 25 she 24. I loved her but started to have feelings that she depended on me a lot. We had very little deep conversations and would get through our nights watching trash tv, she wasn't very intelligent and we didn't share interests in what was going on in the world, she had no real dreams or goals apart from children and to be a stay at home mum, I wanted to strive and grow however she was stagnant and wasn't ambitious in any way but I did love her she had good morals and was kind, loyal and my family loved her. My wife was adamant she wanted a child and we had a baby daughter together. I was ready to have a child as I wasn't getting any younger i wanted to be a father and believed this would make her grow up as a person and want to be successful for our child. I love my daughter very much but instead of bringing us together the struggles of being parents made us drift even further apart. We had different views on how to parent and sex became non existent. I tried to make time for just us but this was never the case as my wife didn't want to give up any nights without our daughter and we drifted for 4 years. I began to drink a lot alone each evening and our communication became mumbles to each other. I felt trapped and started looking for a way out. We attempted councilling on a number of occasions but I had well and truly checked out.
> Now this is where I will be hounded by you all but I met a girl on a business trip and we began to speak over the Internet regularly. We connected on every level which I had never had before with my wife and feelings grew very strong, interests dreams goals we would talk for hours, she had a child of similar age to my daughter and as a few months past I believed, after much deliberation, it was time to find the courage to leave my wife but wanted to maintain a strong relationship with my daughter. The Devastion on leaving went far and wide and ripples were felt through family and friends, my wife was devastated and couldn't accept what was going on. I stayed with friends for a short time before moving in with the girl I had met and her child 90 miles away. When my wife found out about my new relationship she was on her knees and I feel bad for how I went about things. I was At last happy but I did feel terrible for putting everyone through it. I continued to have regular contact with my daughter every other weekend, she has since met my new girlfriend and they get on great. Now a year down the line I have been to see a solicitor for divorce proceedings however something is stopping me from going ahead, I love my girlfriend with all my heart we are perfect for each other but I'm again unhappy, Iv started to become jealous over her and have caught myself checking her computer with no real reason as to why. I am helping raise her child which instead of being a nourishing feeling actually hurts that it's not my daughter. I feel huge guilt and the days we have both kids together just doesn't feel right, it doesn't feel like a unit and it shows. I now have financial problems and I'v been diagnosed with something I never thought I would have, depression. My wife still wishes to rekindle our relationship and go back to being a family, she has started to look for other jobs, is doing everything to change and something I thought I would never consider is starting to run through my head. I'm now massively torn. I know people will say the grass was not greener and I made my bed, I have read countless blogs and threads looking for the answer I just don't know what to do anymore and feel totally lost. Iv attended independent Councilling which does not seem to be helping in anyway. My girlfriend knows I'm low as Iv started to be distant but she can't understand why I'm unable to push on with the divorce. I just don't know where to turn anymore and it's totally encompassing my life, I have lost family, friends a home I worked hard for as well as not being there for my daughter full time which is effecting her massively both at home and school. I just don't feel that love for my wife, I find myself driving past my old house some evenings and I sometimes long for my family again but when I think of losing my girlfriend my heart sinks. I know I probably will be berated by all and expect it but I hope in telling my story I will find an answer to crawl out the depression I have found myself in as I don't know where else to turn, Iv lost weight and it's effecting everything I do. Has anyone went through similar I would appreciate hearing from others who have gone through what I am dealing with, Thankyou in advance


Wow boy do I feel your pain I've been thru what your in and I don't wish it on anyone. I married my 1st wife we were me 26 her 24. I loved her or so I thought. We stayed married built a home, had a son. I had everything a 26 yro man could want but I wasn't happy wife didn't want to do anything without our son, sex life went to hell, we stopped functioning as a couple but only as parents. I started going out drinking & dancing with our old single friends & ran into an old girlfriend we were instantly drawn to each other and started talking and texting. My wife was unhappy I was unhappy but my wife stayed home trying to make things work to a point. Eventually my wife moved out taking our 2 year old son with her and moved home to her mom's. I was so excited and happy I called the new girlfriend up and we went partying and finally had sex for the first time in the 6 months we were seeing each other. Life was great, but that was the calm before the storm. My wife filled for divorce and I did too. But I was constantly missing my son and even her. 
After a while I became distant and angry at the new girlfriend I started blaming her for my marriage falling apart it was easier to blame her than myself. I was miserable and we broke up. 
Here's where I finally did something for me I learned to live alone and be happy with my own company I learned to enjoy my time with my son with it being just me and him and family. Not bringing other women around him. I would go out and have the occasional one nighter. But I stayed single for a year. I ran back into the old girlfriend and new I loved her still. I apologized for all the wrong and hurtful things I blamed her for. We married 3 months later and have been married for 15 years this Dec. 
I even tried to make ammends to my ex-wife. She was a great mother just not the woman I should have married we were 2 completely different people and wanted different things. 
Move out of the girlfriends home and move closer to your daughter so you can see her more than weekends learn to like yourself alone be with family and friends. Stay single try to be friends with your wife. See how that goes. If need be go get on some anti depression medicine you are probably bipolar. 
If your a christian pray to God for some guidance and peace in your heart. Boy do we make a mess of things when stop walking with God. 
God bless you buddy.


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## Ynot

The responses seem to run the gamut. My one take is this, YOU are unhappy with YOU. I can't tell and won't tell you to leave your GF, move back with your Ex or go it alone. That is something that you must decide for your self. Because to be honest with you, I don't think you have been selfish enough. All of your actions have been to assuage some superficial symptom of your unhappiness. Before you can be a husband to your ex, a father to your daughter, a BF to your GF or a father figure to your GF's daughter, whichever way you choose to go, you have to be honest with yourself. In the process you may loose all of the above, but that is the price you must pay to become a whole and healthy man again.
It is so easy to cast stones at another until we walk in their shoes. Personally I think you are a good man, hence your struggle with the mess you have made of your life. Now it is time to let this good man surface. If you can't love your ex, let her go to find the person who can love her the way she deserves to be loved. If you can't commit to your GF, let her go so that she can find someone who can commit to her and her daughter. You will always have your daughter's love and for her to see you become the best man you can become, regardless of whether it is with her mother or your GF, will be the greatest gift you can give her.
So don't go back to your ex out of guilt. Don't stay with your GF out of fear. Make your decisions based on what is absolutely the best thing for you. Be selfish. Be truly selfish, stop treating symptoms and cure the illness within first.


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## Spotthedeaddog

You're clearly missing the intimacy you had, and you WILL have to find something to replace it.

This is the problem with many affairs and secondary relationships - we are looking for the things we _don't_ and not the things we _already_ have. So our secondary partner is often not expect or not accustomed to dealing with that part of the relationship. We find this with polyamous couples as well.

Indeed your story reflects heavily on my situation moving from my ex-wife to the next relationship I had. My partner wanted "all of me" and things had become completely estranged with my wife. Yet my partner was enjoying the relationship because, it turns out, that she didn't have the ability to be intimate, or to be a full time contributing sexual partner (in the affair I sort and provided the whirlwind excitement and she could just go along when it happened). Likewise my partner, it turns out has no sense of personal value, and does not recognise it in others. So I was a fun toy, important, waged, and good enough for others to want - so she was in on that action, when we became a couple and she was to be a equal peer in the relationship, she did not have the ability, and seeks out others to give her status to follow on eg volunteer work, where important people praise her (as a peer in our relationship, I was an equal (or less) thus my opinion meant nothing and was often seen as demanding or demeaning (things like needing to sit down and work out a budget together - where was her praise, her recognition, her status/title? It wasn't fun or exciting either. So she just outright refuse to paticipate, and complain I "all about the money" and "not living my life/having fun/being myself".

So you've got a choice. CAN your new partner do intimacy? You already know the difficulties you left behind once.
No one is going to be perfect, but what can you live with? What will it take.


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## fazzy123

If you are going to be unhappy, you might aswell be unhappy in your own home.


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## Heartbroken in Texas

survive_to_die said:


> Wanderer,
> You have an awesome opporunity in front of you that most men in your situation would literally do ANYTHING for. I know that might not make the choice seem easier, but allow yourself sometime to really step back an soak in the big picture of what awaits in the future for you and your wife.
> 
> I've read your post twice, and I've noticed a few things I'd like you to consider. I say this from personal experience, not as someone looking down on you. First, your actions and your explanation of your situation is rooted in a lot of selfishness on your part. Re-read your post a few more times and notice it's all about you, how someone made you feel, or how you've made others feel.
> 
> I realize your intentions may come from a good place in thinking of other's feelings, but it's ultimately shown in a selfish focus on what you think or feel. Regardless of your decision (which I will address soon) you need to really make being less selfish a priority. Go into personal therapy with that as a goal. Therapy won't be helpful without you brining in goals and complete honesty with your therapist.
> 
> It's time to man-the-f**k-up. You loved your wife, you married your wife, you made promises to your wife. You created another, beautiful human being with your life. Stop thinking about yourself. You are in the wrong. Regardless of how your wife let herself go, or any expectations she "didnt meet" for you, you being a man first requires you to remember those promises and reaponsibilities YOU made for yourself. No more blaming others.
> 
> Leave your girlfriend. The most selfish you've ever been was leaving your wife for her. That's not the way to be a man you can look in the mirror and respect. Your wife wants you back. I would literally give anytbing for my wife to say those words to me. But even now you just talk about what she's doing to get you back.
> 
> Again, man up and think about what YOU need to do and who you need to be to even deserve to be taken back by your wife. Even if she doesnt ask you or require you to, you have to work on being the best man you can be when you return to your wife. Then never stop. Never stop trying to be a better man. Cut the drinking out, cut out feeling sorry for yourself. Focus on what your wife needs and how to better communicate your needs to her. Focus on your daughter's need. Your g/f daughter doesnt deserve anytbing from you and that was wrong of her mother to put you in the position of "possible new daddy".
> 
> As much time as you've spent reading about your situation and how you feel, use that time to read about what makes a man respectable, honorable, worthy of trust. Study relationship material on how to communicate better and have a real relationship with your wife.
> 
> Your job isnt to change her or make her live up to your expectations, but I have a feeling if she see's a new you, one that's kind, sensitive, strong, loving, confident and commited she'll also gain confidence and comfort and want to improve herself.
> 
> Go back to your wife and daughter. You CAN reconnect with her and fall back in love. This site is full of those stories. But understand that when you go back to her, she's giving you a priceless gift. Earn it. Ever day of your life for the rest of your life.



OMG...this is a GREAT post! Perhaps I could give you my husband's number and you could talk some sense into him because he sure won't listen to me! He feels absolutely determined to throw our marriage away no matter how much it kills me just so he can be with a new girlfriend. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine

All the posts say it all, I think selfishness has brought you to this place. Marriage is not only about meeting your needs, your happiness, marriage is also sacrificial. I have no doubt your girlfriend will make you happy for a time, but the shine will wear off and you will be back at square one, then what will you do, move on to GF number 2 and destroy more lives?

You have already destroyed 5 and all because you weren't happy, you know how that sounds. You should have divorced your wife, lived alone for a while then moved on. But you dangle them all at your pleasure. i hope counselling will sort you out. Perhaps the best way forward is to remove yourself for a time from both families and see what you should do from here on out.


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## RisingSun

Wow... Wanderer, you sound like my stbxw in many respect. Always searching, chasing that elusive happiness, not able to make the most of the good stuff you have, a lack of empathy for others, selfish and focused on yourself... want her number?

What you're missing in your life might very well be right under your nose. You just need to appreciate it, nurture it, and by giving you will receive so much. Stop taking. What are you offering?

I don't mean to be harsh, and my thoughts are based on a single post. I don't know you, your wife, or you life, but you do seem to have some narcissistic traits. 

I hope you do explore a reconciliation with your wife, but you should do so with the help of a good MC. Someone who will provide a safe place for both of you to talk. The MC should be someone who will make you work. Good luck.


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