# What to ask for to be sure wife has dropped lawyer and is committed to mediation?



## TXCiclista (Sep 3, 2019)

I have another thread in the reconciliation subforum that details the broader outlines of the divorce I'm staring in the face, so this is really more of a specific "how to" question.

My wife has had a lawyer on retainer for 3 years and, by her telling, even has divorce papers drawn up. That she's waited this long gives me a small bit of hope that reconciliation is possible, but the odds are still very much against that. After some of our initial conversations a month or two ago, she clearly stated that she didn't want a nasty divorce and would rather go through mediation than pay all the extra for lawyers who would have no care for the other person's well-being. She said she would drop the lawyer, but gave no real timeline. I believe her in all of this (she's a person of extremely high integrity). We haven't really mentioned the topic since. However, if/when the time comes that she says "OK, it's happening. Let's schedule a meet with the mediation lawyer I've looked into," I feel like a fair response from me would be "Not until you provide proof you've cancelled your lawyer and ??? the divorce papers." I 110% do not want to hire a lawyer and am completely on board with a mediated divorce if it comes to that. I do not, however, think it's wise to go down one path when there's the chance that she could be preparing with her lawyer as well. At the very least, I would want to have one of my own. So... what specifically would I be asking her to do/show me (legally)? What paper do I want to see "destroyed?" And how is that done? How do I know she's released her current lawyer? (And yes, I know she could just get another one, but like I said, she's a person of high integrity and these steps would help me not worry about anything nefarious behind the scenes).

Side note: her parents will pay for her lawyer if it comes to it. I will not have the same "luxury." If I need a lawyer, can my fees be factored into the settlement? We both work, and her salary is within 80% of mine (not bc she's a woman, btw! We're both teachers ). I already pay the kids insurance, so from the standpoint of alimony of child support, it doesn't look like there would be anything new or different. There's been no infidelity, so it would basically be a no fault (?) divorce, and we'd just be splitting everything down the middle.

EDIT: I appreciate the responses, but I'm setting this post aside for a while. I posted in a moment of panic. While the responses were good and the advice useful, this is not a path I'm going to go down just yet. I trust my wife to continue being the person of integrity I've known for 20 years. Maybe that will end up being a mistake, but my gut says it isn't.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> "OK, it's happening. Let's schedule a meet with the mediation lawyer I've looked into," I feel like a fair response from me would be "Not until you provide proof you've cancelled your lawyer and ??? the divorce papers." I 110% do not want to hire a lawyer and am completely on board with a mediated divorce if it comes to that.


If your W is a women of integrity like you say then there is no need to ask to provide proof she has cancelled the lawyer. I think D papers are a legal formality that will need to be done anyway. 

You state the conversation has not come up. If that is the case then your W is not gun-ho on D or she likes to bide her time. Which is it?


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Cover your bases and know your rights. If it were me I would do an initial consult with a couple of divorce attorneys and find one you are comfortable with. Explain the situation to them so they have enough information to take your case on should the need arise. That way you're not too far behind if your wife does go down the lawyer path.

Also - marital assets can be used to pay legal fees.


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## TXCiclista (Sep 3, 2019)

Yeswecan said:


> You state the conversation has not come up. If that is the case then your W is not gun-ho on D or she likes to bide her time. Which is it?


Hard to say. I know you've followed the other thread, so I don't have much more insight. She had the papers drawn up 3 years ago, never served me, told me they exist this summer, and has pretty much left it at that. She's agreed to drop the lawyer and do mediation, but then the topic hasn't come up for 2-3 weeks (months? Days feel like weeks right now :| ). I'm trying to give her space, but with that comes a lot of not-knowing on my part. She's a person who's pretty careful when it comes to important choices like this. I'm inclined to side with this being her biding her time to be sure she's making the right choice, but I guess that could also go along with not being gung-ho about it. She's not a spiteful or vindictive person, just a hurt one right now (and for the past 18 years). "Walk away wife" fits very well, except for the fact that she's a fundamentally good person and will most certainly try to do this in a "do no harm" fashion. (EDIT: Our sons b-day is in a little more than a week. It's possible she's biding her time until that event's over, so I may report back before long that it was all wishful thinking on my part)

As for integrity, you're right. I guess I'm just paranoid from hearing all the stories of "people change during a divorce." Thanks for the grounding response.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you have doubts, one way to protect yourself is to record any conversations about the divorce. If she says she's not using an attorney and you later find out she's lying, you might be able to bring it up that she's not negotiating in good faith. I'm assuming you're in Texas, which is a one-party recording state. That means that you can record conversations which you are a part of without having to inform the other person.

But if she's already been working on this for 3 years, she won't lose that knowledge and experience she's gained if she ditches her attorney. Just thinking about things for 3 years will firm up a lot of details for her. Add in that she was talking to an attorney during this time and it's a certainty she has a pretty good idea of all the options available to her.

You should probably have a few sessions with an attorney so you also understand what is likely in a contested divorce. That will help you know if the mediated divorce is fair or not.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

You and your wife could go through mediation and then she
could change her mind and file for divorce. Follow Tex X advice
and cover yourself. Know your rights and a close idea of what type
of settlement ( divorce agreement) you want. She may not really known 
what she wants right now. Just out of the relationship so let her go if 
that is what she wants. As peacefully as possible. Better for you, her and 
the kids. Do not go into any divorce or mediation procedure feeling you are 
to blame. You may be, but then you could give everything away and regret 
it later. Do this fair and peacefully, down the middle as you say. 

If you work on improving yourself, like you said, and remain friendly.
I have seen a few couples get back together after a divorce. 
I have seen some couples who are happier apart and still see each other.

Bottom line if she wants out then let her go.


Take care of yourself, and your kids then.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

TXCiclista said:


> Hard to say. I know you've followed the other thread, so I don't have much more insight. She had the papers drawn up 3 years ago, never served me, told me they exist this summer, and has pretty much left it at that. She's agreed to drop the lawyer and do mediation, but then the topic hasn't come up for 2-3 weeks (months? Days feel like weeks right now :| ). I'm trying to give her space, but with that comes a lot of not-knowing on my part. She's a person who's pretty careful when it comes to important choices like this. I'm inclined to side with this being her biding her time to be sure she's making the right choice, but I guess that could also go along with not being gung-ho about it. She's not a spiteful or vindictive person, just a hurt one right now (and for the past 18 years). "Walk away wife" fits very well, except for the fact that she's a fundamentally good person and will most certainly try to do this in a "do no harm" fashion. (EDIT: Our sons b-day is in a little more than a week. It's possible she's biding her time until that event's over, so I may report back before long that it was all wishful thinking on my part)
> 
> As for integrity, you're right. I guess I'm just paranoid from hearing all the stories of "people change during a divorce." Thanks for the grounding response.


All though it is good to prepare for the worst continue to make the changes and lasting ones. Even the little things go a long way. Pulling for you man. I know life is better once one turns a marriage around and both are on the same page.


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