# The OW keeps mesaging my husband



## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Hi

What do you do when the OW continues to try and contact your spouse?

We are only a week after D-Day (hope I am getting the lingo right!) but things finished between them something like a month ago. From what I know, there has been a small amount of texting here and there, on both sides intermittently but nothing on his part for the last week or two, I have seen his cellphone bill.

She has messaged him a handful of times since he told me. He has let me know from work today that she messaged him earlier saying that she wishes she would see him again soon. He said on the phone that he thinks she's got a screw loose, but him saying that worries me, because it makes me think he could be wanting me to believe she's a psycho stalker when for all I know he could have messaged her, or been in contact. He says he hasn't apart from what he's told me.

So, assuming what he is saying is true, then what is the best way to tackle this? We are working hard to get through this, but I feel like she is an unwelcome visitor in our space by sending messages. He is not responding, but it's not looking like she is giving up. I have read about No Contact, but is there an official way to implement it, a way to go about it? Is it best for him to continue to just ignore her and hope she leaves it? What if she doesn't?


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

Can he just change his number, or block her?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Is she married; if so every time she contacts your husband call her husband. Why has he not changed his phone number or mail address. There is no excuse good enough not to change these to protect your marriage. Has he written a no contact letter to her, if not there is a template on the affaircare.com site under the articles tab, you approve this before it is sent , thereafter if she persues him lay a harassment charge against her. This technique works wonderfully.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I couldn't just change my number. I have thousands of contacts (business and personal) in my phone.

He should send one final text back (in front of you) stating that he wants no further contact and any further contact will be address as harassment with law enforcement authorities. And if she makes contact, follow through with your threat.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

He CAN change his number.

You can move or download phone contacts (business and personal) from one # to the next.

Most carriers now have that option available on-line.

I'd change my number.

HE could also threaten to file charges of stalking (new laws on the book for this - by cell phone, e-mail, FB, etc.).

If that doesn't help - change his number!


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

A week after d-day is only a short time and the OW probably still has feelings for your husband, I imagine she is trying to try to get him back. If you look at OM/OW boards (eg loveshack.org) you can see how strongly many of them feel about their affair partner, it would probably be difficult for them to 'just drop it'. 

I went through the same thing with my husband, the OW kept sending texts for many weeks after d-day. At first he replied a few times but then after he knew I was looking at this phone log he stopped replying, but her texts kept coming. He had told her they needed to break it off (I could tell this from her texts) but she didn't stop. I told him to get rid of his phone but he wasn't keen. I think that he was still getting some reinforcement and attention from her emails, and didn't try particularly hard to stop them - which he admitted at MC 4 weeks after d-day when he said he was still emotionally attached to her. Unfortunately they work together so this all got very difficult.

It was only when we he finally gave me his phone (I keep it hidden away, am keeping emails for evidence in case she brings a harassment case against him) and got a new one, and when we wrote a non-contact letter together and mailed it together (I made sure it was posted!), that her texts petered out and eventually stopped. In the end she was addressing nasty messages to me directly as she knew I was reading them lol....

We are almost 6 months after d-day and she is still trying to be 'friends' with him at work. It sucks, but I can't do anything about that except trust that he is keeping his relationship with her professional.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

walkingwounded~

There are several things that can be done when OW won't stop contact and some are extreme--some a little less extreme. 

One thing that can be a very good first step is to have your husband write a No Contact Letter. Here are some Sample No Contact Letters so you get the right idea. This is not "one last love letter" or something about how Fate won't let them be together...<puke>...but rather a clear, firm letter stating that no contact is desired WHATSOEVER. Usually a disloyal sort of hates to hurt the OP and I'm not saying he has to be a jerk, but there just is no way to be nice about this. ALL contact must end period. End of discussion. And the letter needs to say clearly that ALL contact is unwanted and if it continues there will be consequences. 

He writes the No Contact Letter and gives it to you...and you mail it to her return receipt with a little note from you: "I do not intend to sit idly by while you attempt to harm our family. All contact is unwanted. If you do not cease and desist it will be considered as a hostile act warranting legal response." Then sign it. With the return receipt label you will be able to prove in a court of law that she received that demand to stop. 

One that No Contact Letter is sent, you and hubby sit down together and delete her from his phone, email, Facebook etc. and block her. That way she may try but it will be blocked. If by some miracle she does get through--like if she leaves a note at work--then do not pass Go, do not collect $200...just go immediately and file a restraining order against her. Use the copy of the letter, the return receipt and the note at the office as documentation of stalking and the court will ORDER her to stay away. If she continues she can be put in jail and at that point I'd tell the boss at work there is an RO and she can lose her job. 

See how that goes from giving her the chance to do the right thing to pretty harsh?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Would it be appropriate to send such a letter to a workplace? I ask because this was an emotional affair, they saw each other at work (they work in different departments) and was conducted via text, meeting up at work, he says he has no idea where she lives and at this point I have chosen to believe him.

I would honestly much prefer to live as though she doesn't exist and not acknowledge her presence anymore, and look forward, but every time she sends a message, I feel such an overwhelming feeling of anger that she dare try to invade our relationship. She knows I know and that although things haven't been great, we are working it through. I think she must be hoping that she will get some kind of response to show my husband still has some pull to her. I have even thought of contacting her myself to tell her in a straight forward way to stop contact.

I told my husband last night that he needed to change his number, he said, why, because of the woman? Then said yes and that was it. I raised my eyebrows, he seems clueless at times. Should I pursue him to do it, give him the number to call, or leave it to him?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Hi

I was going to bring up the subject of changing his number last night. He didn't mention it, and I for some reason just couldn't find the right words. I did not want to sound like a nag. Ultimately I am hoping it will come from him to show his willingness to dopositive things towards rebuilding. Though I have to be realistic, he may need reminding.

Also, the fact he sat me down straight from work and told me she was messaging him is a positive thing and I don't want to tread on that.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Your husband is talking a load of crock, he wants her messages , he wants her attention, his words tell you regardless of what the content of the messages are HE IS STILL in the affair , even if this is in his heart. He has told you he is unwilling to break contact with her, he is choosing to hurt you over getting rid of her. Do not stand for it, sit down with him express your boundaries in no uncertain terms that he is never to have contact with her again, if he declines start by exposing that he continues to maintain his affair to his parents and siblings ask for their support.

Is she married? Make a point of contacting her husband and/or parents , if all this fails ... ask him to leave.

Has be written the no contact letter , for you this is a must, if he declines especially in the light that they are in contact, this speaks volumes.

On a side note as long as he is in the house run what's called a Plan A and large elements of the 180 , the first meets his needs to ensure he knows what he will miss, the second strengthens you in case he does not change. Do you require a post with details of both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If she continues to break no contact and continues to fish, then your husband needs to notify Human Resources since they work for the same company. Unwanted contact is harassment. He needs to let her know in the NC letter that HR will be notified if she continues to fish. The threat of losing her job will most likely stop her from fishing.

If that doesn't work, then he needs to file a police report for harassment in case she's a bunny boiler.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Walking the answer is you have to stand up to him, he knows be does not have a leg to stand on if this gets back to his company.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I think it's his responsibility to tell her to CUT IT OFF and mean it. 

Clearly he isn't making it known to her he's done with her 100% unless hse's a bunny boiler and in that case, I'd get the authorities involved re: harrassment.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

We haven't done a NoContact letter yet, but this is what needs doing next. He isn't responding but isn't telling her to stop either.

I don't know anything much about her except she works in the same company and she is single, and her phone number.

I have thought of contacting HR myself, and whilst I understand the premise behind it, my worry is that it will blow things up and give her the attention she obviously wants?


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I spoke to him earlier and gave him the internet link that outlined the details of changing his number with his cellphone provider.

He read through it. Said did he need to change his number, after all it's her that is messaging, he's not replying. I said yes, he asked why, I said every time he messages, I feel she is invading our space.

He glanced through it again and then carried on what he was doing. I just looked at him when he walked out of the room, what do I need to do to get him to show just a bit of oomph, just some keenness to mend things. He isn't saying no to anything. He just isn't showing any get up and go or initiative to do anything himself. He started off so eager to make it up?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Well, there is a good possibility that the affair has not truly ended. You are only going by what he has said and DS are notorious for altering the truth. As has been said dozens of times on these boards, th eonly way to stop the affairs is to stop being a doormat and make them feel the pain of the affair.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I actually found out after the affair ended. He had an attack of the guilts (yes I know, it took him that long to feel guilty ) and I found out after that. I saw some evidence that showed he had finished it and she was trying to gently persuade him otherwise.

I think part of the difficulty is that because it wasn't a physical affair, he doesn't think of it as an affair. He said he didn't take it that far and declares he can't believe I'd think he'd do that???!!!! 

So I think my suggestions aren't being taken as seriously because he doesn't think what happened is as serious a an affair. Well to me it is-an-affair. And he knows he did wrong. Hes now downplaying it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he hasn't told her to stop messaging him, then he's not fully invested in fixing the problem.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

No he hasn't told her. And he isn'tfully invested in fixing the problem. I mistakenly thought right after I found out that he would do anything to help fix things. I mean it hasn't been that long, but apart from his initial declaration s of how much he loves me, it was a stupid mistake, he doesn't want her he wants me,he'll do anything to make it better, he hasn't done much of anything.

The thing is, I think he is fed up of her. I don't think the problem i that he is still lusting after her. Butthen I don'tfully know how much he felt for her. He just doesn't seem that inclined to actually do much tomake things better. He isn't contrary, or actually refusing to do anything,more that he's dragging his feet. If it weren't forme saying I wanted him to change his number, I don'tthink he'd be doing anything at all. Certainly nothing off his own back.

When I speak to him, the words are there. He sounds remorseful, is ashamed of how he acted as a married man, hates the hurt he has caused me, will reassure me when I get upset, share his feelings, but won't put anything in place via actions to demonstrate these words.

The thing is, I don't want to be talking about it every day. I want to move forward, working on the change we need to make. But this thing feels like torture. I don't want to be bringing it up every day, but I feel like I have to, or else he won't do anything about it himself. I just don't know what to say to him further than what I've all ready said,.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Honesty and open dialog is the best policy, sit with him, tell him it is wholly inappropriate he is not supporting your efforts to stop her communicating with him, advise him that he was in an emotional affair with her, he can google it if he wants to, and should be protecting your marriage by words , actions and deed. Tell him that due to his lack of support you will be taking steps and if be wants to be part of a secure marriage he had best step up to the mark and ensure every effort is made to shut the OW down. Do not disclose what you are going to do nor enter into any further discussion, walk away make some coffee, if he persists tell him he knows what to do.

So what will you do , you do not tell him what steps you are going to take. Start now with the 180 combined with a Plan A.. Scan the forum for the steps or search the posts under my name, do this now. The 180 is to strengthen you, the Plan A is for him to see what he is going to miss if he carries on denying your marriage the chance to recover.

Gather a list of people names and contact details who are close or may influence the OW , co-workers , parents, husband/boyfriend, perhaps she has a Facebook account. Spend some time on this, you require a mail address or physical address or mobile phone number or access to their Facebook account.

If your husband does not ensure all contact ends or she persists then you are going to expose her predatory behaviour far and wide .
Do not worry what your husband thinks , he is not supposed to be in contact so he should not know about it. Do all this without letting your husband in on the act. 

When ready post there are some fine words to rock the OW's boat and make life uncomfortable.

Excuse typos , not used to the HTC touch screen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he were truly fed up of her and invested on fixing things -- he'd tell her to F off. That is blunt, but true. 

You may not want to talk about it ut it's obviously bothering you and I can assure you-bottling this MAJOR thing up is not going to help your situation.

So tell him what you want. Don't be a doormat. Tell him to tell her to STOP and that it makes you uncomfortable he hasn't done that yet, that it shows he's not fully committed if he can't tell her to go away and stop wtih her messaging.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If he were truly fed up of her and invested on fixing things -- he'd tell her to F off. That is blunt, but true.
> 
> You may not want to talk about it ut it's obviously bothering you and I can assure you-bottling this MAJOR thing up is not going to help your situation.
> 
> So tell him what you want. Don't be a doormat. Tell him to tell her to STOP and that it makes you uncomfortable he hasn't done that yet, that it shows he's not fully committed if he can't tell her to go away and stop wtih her messaging.


I thought about it and took your advice. Subsequently I haven't slept much, thus why am on here now! 

I sat down with him before bed. Asked if he'd done anything about changing his number. No, he said. When will you be sorting it out I asked. Don't know, he replied.

I sat in silence for a few minutes. He offered up nothing else at that. 

I spent those few minutes fighting an inward battle not to scream and shout at him. Unfortunately I did get quite upset when I started talking.

I asked why was he so reticent, did he like seeing me upset? He said I didn't seem upset, or look upset, so he never thinks about me being upset really. He said he was reticent about thephone issue because it would be a hassle to change his number, he did it a while ago and had taken ages to get his new no. to everyone and would have to do it again.

I asked did he ever think of what he could do to make the situation better, what actions he could take to reassure me to start building truist again? He said he had thought about it, but has no clue as to what to do. So you do nothing I asked? He nodded. And do you think doing nothing is helping make things better? He just looked at me. 

I said you need to get your ass in gear because quite frankly, what you are doing now isn't working. I explained I had suggested specific actions that would be reassuring to me, but he has reasons why he can't do them. I said do you know how it looks that you refuse to do anything I suggest and don't do anything off your own back? He defended himself here by saying he waswn't interested, it was her messaging him, he wasn't replying. I just said you need to step it up, and he said nothing. Big fat NOTHING and turned back to the TV (yes, probably not the best idea to talk with the TV on.) So I went to bed.

He came up a little later. Snuggled up, asked if I was ok. I said no. He asked why? I said for all the same reasons I said downstairs. We hugged and he tried it on. Whilst I wouldn't normally refuse him, I don't feel into it at the momentand I really feel it's giving him the message that no matter what he does (or doesn't do), he can still reap the benefits of a good relationship. It just feels wrong right now.

And now I can't sleep for thinking about it. It's not even that he's still showing he's involved, it's that he's showing an indifference. My attitude has helped him think that things can just coast along just fine and we've forgotten about it. I think he almost has. BUt I haven't


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I assumed he would do nothing as there are no consequences and he is content being chased by the OW, it gives him a rise and he is feeding off her attention. Start with the suggestions I posted, the 180, plan A and her contact list, secure that list so your husband cannot find it, it would be really nice if she has a facebook account , you must have her number so reverse check where she stays, it may seem difficult to track enough of her friends or family down , it can be done be patient. What country do you reside in? There are websites than may assist in locating her family, the majority of these are US based
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Actions, not words. They can promise all they want, but if isn't backed up by actions, those words mean nothing. I too am not so sure the A is ended, and so far it seems you have pretty much taken his word for everything. Until he is truly remorseful with his actions as well as his words, then you cannot believe a word he says. Now you have to investigate and see how far underground the affair is. Start with the 180. Like you said, he hasn't been doing anything. He now needs to start doing the heavy lifting to repair the marriage.

Let him know that this cannot be swept under the rug and forgotten. It takes on average 2-5 years to recover from this type of betrayal. Don't allow him to rug sweep. He thinks this can just blow over quickly. You need to hold him accountable.


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## Inadaze (Nov 16, 2010)

Please be careful and listen to your gut. I have been through a similar situation where my h said it was over a few weeks before I found out. OW kept contacting him through texts and even called our home phone. He got a new number so that made me feel better. I found out recently (from my 15 year old daughter) that he purchased another phone and had been in communication with OW still via text. Sometimes it is so hard for them to break it off completely. My h said he felt guilty for hurting her and needed to make sure she was ok. Just be careful and like I said, listen to your gut. It's rarely wrong!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Maybe you need to make it clear how upset you really are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

walkingwounded said:


> He said he was reticent about thephone issue because it would be a hassle to change his number, he did it a while ago and had taken ages to get his new no. to everyone and would have to do it again.
> 
> I asked did he ever think of what he could do to make the situation better, what actions he could take to reassure me to start building truist again? He said he had thought about it, but has no clue as to what to do. *So you do nothing I asked? He nodded. And do you think doing nothing is helping make things better? He just looked at me. *
> 
> I said you need to get your ass in gear because quite frankly, what you are doing now isn't working. I explained I had suggested specific actions that would be reassuring to me, *but he has reasons why he can't do them*.


And what were his reasons? Did he say?

Not that it matters. Phone # change or no, WHY hasn' the told her to stop messaging him??? Did he say why? Ask him. That will give you your answer.

It doesn't look good, I will tell you that.

From the outside it's clear he has no intention of cutting it off.

And if he can't do that, it means he's not committed to you, it means he doesn't respect you enough to honor YOUR marriage w/o outside parties, and it means he wants you both.

So how do you feel about that?

REMOVE yourself as an option fast. The longer this goes on, the worse. Promise.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

ClipClop said:


> Maybe you need to make it clear how upset you really are.


She already has. He knows what he is doing is wrong. He just doesn't care.


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## mmiller1234576 (May 3, 2011)

I helped a friend in the past get the paperwork together for a restraining order. Just the paperwork alone was enough to stop the person. When you see your name on something that involves the police, it gives people a moment of pause.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

And what were his reasons? Did he say?

*I was going to reel off a list of hi reasons. But when I typed it out, it was all saying that everything was in some way an inconvenience. They involve effort on his part that he doesn't want to make. He basically thinks I should just-trust-him because he says so.*

Not that it matters. Phone # change or no, WHY hasn' the told her to stop messaging him??? Did he say why? Ask him. That will give you your answer.

*I haven't explicitly asked him that, no. From what he has said already, he seems to think that if he ignores her she will go away. The glaring error in this is that she blatantly obviously is-not-going-away.*

It doesn't look good, I will tell you that.

From the outside it's clear he has no intention of cutting it off.

And if he can't do that, it means he's not committed to you, it means he doesn't respect you enough to honor YOUR marriage w/o outside parties, and it means he wants you both.

So how do you feel about that?

*I don't think he respects me. Stupidly he thinks I should think of him as a man of honor, basically the person I used to think of him of. He can't get that he is no longer that person. I think he feels hounded by me continuing to talk about it. Sees me as being like a dog with a bone.*

REMOVE yourself as an option fast. The longer this goes on, the worse. Promise.

What scares me is seeing his behavior and thinking what it must mean he thinks of me. I speculate that if I did something awful that really hurt him, I'd be mortified and be working my ass off to redeem myself.

I also have to reiterate something I'm not sure about. The fact I have been working on myself, being a happy and fun person to be around. Not wanting to talk about the A 24/7. I felt like this was a good thing to do. But he has said now a number of times that he doesn't realise how hurt I am because I don'tshow it. But I don't want to be miserable about it. So where's the happy middle ground?

I have also been researching the other woman, and seeing what I can gather on her. I must say I am still reluctant to expose her bhavior for fear of lookingh like some crazy stalker woman myself, I just can't stop thinking that it's me who's going to look crazy.

Anyhow. My initial plan is to speak with him later. He still hasn't said anything about changing his no. so I will start with that. I am not sure what else to say withthis directlyto him. I feel sometimes trying to get him to comprehend how I am feeling because of his actions is fruitless so what else do I say at thispoint to him before continuing with any further action?


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

He won't help and she won't stop until you change the balance, gather the contact details on her friends and family. Stop begging, asking and hoping he is going to do something. When you have sufficient details on her post , we will guide you through the exposure part, time to rattle her cage.

180 keep to it I sense you may not quite be following it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I'm trying. I really am. I just have this immoveable feeling of inner anger when the hours tick by and still he has made no effort. I know that the whole time I have been stewing and agonising over it, he hasn't given it a second thought.

Don't get me wrong, he's more than happy to work at the quality time the counsellor suggested. The kind of stuff that isn't directly linked to trust issues but is helping better our relationship, he has been doing fine. It's almost like he's treating the illness without having acknowledged there is an illness if that makes sense.

I am working hard on not basing my happiness on how he is acting. It is very hard! I could understand him thinking I wasn't upset if I hadn't said how I felt, but my upset only seems to matter when I wave it about in his face. Otherwise he forgets and thinks it isn't there. That really hurts.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Keep on track , the 180 becomes a habit and it will strengthen you. When you are strong enough take the next step. Your husband is enjoying the quality time he is cake eating , two woman in his life he must be happy. His affair is far from over. Carry on digging for her information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Forget this asking him crap. Tell him you aren't just upset, you are furious not so much with her but with him. Tell him to change his ****ing number by Monday. If he fails to do so, he has clearly chosen her over you and with that very clear message, you will alter your behaviour accordingly. If that leads to divorce, so be it. But you are tired of his excuses. This could have been over and done with long ago if he would get off his ass and prove his commitment to you.

His inaction sends a powerful message.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Another good word to us : disappointed. Disappointed that your marriage and your wife mean less to him than a bit of inconvenienve.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Can't sleep again! Things going around in my head. Of course he's fast asleep.

He said last night he would change his number today. I said ok and left it at that. We shall see.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Be patient keep in track, part of the 180 is to do something for yourself, change the colour of your hair, do your nails and go out for a girly evening. The 180 says don't tell him you are not accountable to him, until he in words, actions and deeds protects your marriage and you focus on yourself , you will get stronger do not doubt it, the 180 is there for a reason and works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

He changed his number yesterday. He was still dragging his heels but he did it. Funnily after I was almost expecting some very annoyed remarks but he was fineabout it.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. The only thing that does worryme is if any of his co-workers who get his no. pass it on to her, some of them know her and some of the guys are the sort to think it would be funny.

I am still slowly gathering info on the OW. I'm not doing anything with it, yet. My guess is that the no contact from him will mean her efforts will disappear.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

> He changed his number yesterday. He was still dragging his heels but he did it. Funnily after I was almost expecting some very annoyed remarks but he was fineabout it.


Because you held your ground




> The only thing that does worryme is if any of his co-workers who get his no. pass it on to her,


Use the next few days to have her number blocked. 

Keep on him. If she does get through, phone the company HR team.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He should make it clear to colleagues that this directly impacts marriage. Anyone who does not respect that should say it now and not rec. Number. If anyone else asks for number from someone else, you need to be asked first. That is a common courtesy too few consider these days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

I raised this with him and he said there was no way any of them would pass on his number. Well we shall see.

Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again. I know this will be another trial because I predict he will say something like, I still don't trust him after him changing his number for me? Also something like, how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah. Of course I will counter with, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be aproblem, he will reply with, he doesn't want me snooping, I will say ok, I am quite happy to look in your presence at your cell records should I need to.

If anyone has any handy responses to him countering my wanting to have online access, they'd be really useful right now!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

What is his definition of snooping? Imo it only becomes snooping when you believe the other person is being secretive. Over time you will gain trust. Further, it would be in his interest to hide any contact he might have with ow to avoid going through this with you again. Given his reluctance to be proactive in shutting het down, there isn't really a good record on his part for restoring trust. It actually takes a lot more from his side to get where he claims to want to be.

How's that?

However, offering him a time when you will stop looking except if he starts behaving idly would be nice. 6 months?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

walkingwounded said:


> I raised this with him and he said there was no way any of them would pass on his number. Well we shall see.
> 
> Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again. I know this will be another trial because I predict he will say something like, I still don't trust him after him changing his number for me? Also something like, how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah. Of course I will counter with, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be aproblem, he will reply with, he doesn't want me snooping, I will say ok, I am quite happy to look in your presence at your cell records should I need to.
> 
> If anyone has any handy responses to him countering my wanting to have online access, they'd be really useful right now!


Why not tell him his actions have resulted in you not being able to give him your unconditional love that you used to before his EA? As a man he should be able to understand that.

Then tell him that you want to work on your relationship so that in the future you will be able to put all this behind you and again give him your unconditional love.

But this learning to love him unconditionally again is a process. Part of that process is that you have new boundaries. One of those boundaries is that you will have access at anytime to any records you want to see. That you want complete and utter transparency with what he is doing.

Tell him this will go on for as long as you feel it necessary because you want to regain your unconditional love for him and eventually put it all behind you.

So that’s his goal, regaining your unconditional love for him by being totally and utterly transparent.

Bob


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Geez, does this man actually want to regain your trust or not? His actions don't say it. If he was truly remorseful, he would do anything to rebuild your trust in him.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

In all honesty, I am predicting what he will say. I don't know that he will say any of those things. I suspect he will.

lordmayhem, I think he is sorry. I just think he wants to move forward, that is, for him, keep on going and never make reference to what happened again. Having to do any of the things I suggest means him facing what he did and he doesn't always want to look at how he behaved or how he hurt me. Because he doesn't know how to handle it.

AFEH, I like what you said, I may use some of that.

ClipClop, what he emans by snooping is looking at cellphone records, Facebook, email and so on, whilst he isn't there. I can see this, and I don't want to be controlling, but if he is willing to be completely transparent (I must use that word when I speak to him), it will go such a long way to rebuilding trust.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

> ...Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again. I know this will be another trial because I predict he will say something like, I still don't trust him after him changing his number for me? Also something like, how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah. Of course I will counter with, if you have nothing to hide then it shouldn't be aproblem, he will reply with, he doesn't want me snooping, I will say ok, I am quite happy to look in your presence at your cell records should I need to.
> 
> If anyone has any handy responses to him countering my wanting to have online access, they'd be really useful right now!


This is a perfect example of the distinction between being controlling and being transparent. "Being controlling" is when you snoop through his cell, PC, email, facebook etc. without his permission, forcing him to do what he does not want to do willingly. "Being transparent" is when he realizes that he behaved in a way that did not merit trust and thus he willingly allows you to see his cell, PC, email and facebook to show his trustworthiness. 

See the difference? 

If he is not willing to openly allow you to see his cell, his PC history, his email, his facebook, etc. then he is not voluntarily being transparent and is probably (about 99.99%) hiding something. On the other hand if you FORCE him to show you his cell, etc. then you really are being controlling...and that does not lead to a mature, loving marriage. 

So when you say: "Now I will have to go through sorting out access to his online cell records again"...instead ask him to SHOW YOU his cell records and go through them with you to show you that he is being trustworthy. This is not weak asking, but more like, "I would like to respectfully request that we go over the cell records together." 

When he says: "... still don't trust me after changing my cell number for you?" you say that it was one step in helping rebuild trust, and a walk of a thousand miles begins with one step, but that there are more steps to be taken. 

When he says: "...how long will this last for, I'll never trust him, blah blah blah...." you say that you would be happy to trust him but during the affair he very specifically was NOT trustworthy and distinctly dishonest, and that you will trust him SOONER if he does the work to rebuild trust in his honesty sooner. If he keeps putting if off and fighting against it, it will take longer.

When he says: "... I don't want you snooping" you say there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy is closing the bathroom door when you go to the bathroom, but the True You is still open and revealed to your spouse. Secrecy is hiding the True You from your spouse and pretending to be what you're not--such as faithful. So you absolutely understand he needs privacy, but secrecy has no place in a marriage.


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## walkingwounded (May 7, 2011)

Thankyou Affaircare. That was a very interesting post, which I shall keep in my mind.

I haven't asked him yet about the cell records but I will be later. I like the idea of sitting down with him. I am prepared that he will object, but yesterday he actually volunteered some things for me without my needing to ask which has gone a small way to me gaining some confidence in him.


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