# Should I work on me before us, or try to do both?



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I grew up in a dysfunctional alcholic household. I've always suppressed my feelings. Something up until recently i believed to be a noble ability. :scratchhead:

My wife's mother passed away a couple years ago. During her greiving i wasn't showing much support. She started going out with friends in the evenings. Started volunterring at a lot of community organizations. As a result of my emotional unavailability (I was usually either working or playing World of Warcraf (WoW), very little us time), we became more like roomates than a married couple. 

Sex was still good, but we didn't talk much. I was getting increasingly upset about her going out, and she was equally upset about my time playing WoW. When she wasn't out, she was on Facebook. So, on the couple of occassions I tried to spend time with her, she had her face buried in her computer.

My anxiety hit high gear. I didn't like the suspicious thoughts I was having about her activities, starting about a year ago. I started reading her texts, and Facebook, trying to see if she was having an affair. She was starting to flirt with a lot of different guys. About 5 month ago, I recovered a deleted FB message session between her and an old high school friend. It was a few months old, but it was hard evidence she was at least having cybersex with another guy. I didn't know if it had gone physcial or not. But he lives in the area, and hung out with the crowd my wife was at the time. So, i confronted her.

I won't go through all the details of the confrontation. But I'm reasonably (note, not 100%) sure it never got physical. She did all the right stuff, went NC with a few of the guys I disapproved of. removed / blocked them on FB and her phone. Stopped hanging out with the group i disdainfully call, 'that crowd'. She tells me she is committed to working on our marraige and has been appropriately apologetic. 

But i've still be sliding down a depressive slope. We are 3 months into MC, and i've started individual therapy for myself. I'm axious, having obsessive thoughts and trouble sorting out my own emotions. Therapy has been good. Difficult, but good (both marriage and my individual). 

My codependancy seems to be a great source of anxiety. I think i need to focus on me more than us. I'm thinking of suggesting that my wife use every other MC session as an individual session for herself. She is starting to come around to some of her own insecurities and need to work on herself as well. 

My question is, should I focus more attention in fixing me or on us? I'm still having a hard time understanding what i'm feeling. I know its bad, and I need to resolve something. But, the emotions are way to intense to be soley related to her FB cyber and decit. Yeah, that was bad. But, i've been sliding down a hole ever since. Even though she is doing everything a BS should be. I think the lies more than anything have dredged up my childhood (which was lie afer lie afer lie until I was numb to it). I feel like I need to work on that, seperate from us. 

Is is possible to reassure her and still be mad at her? Is it possible to take R slowly without rugsweeping?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You were cheated on. You still don't know whether your wife had sex. That is MORE than enough happening to make you feel the way you do. Being cheated on is more traumatic for many people than a death in the family. It's effects are as devastating as PTSD. There's even a name for it - Post Infidelity Stress Disorder.

Compound the cheating with a lack of closure - it's no wonder you're a basket case.

Your wife needs to come clean regarding every single thing she did. You need to be able to ask her the same questions a thousand times and she'd better not complain. She needs to PROVE to you she isn't doing it any more to YOUR satisfaction. She has to show remorse, not regret, for what she did.

It takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity, and that's if the WS is doing everything they can to help the BS heal. It doesn't sound to me like yours is. And what are you reassuring HER about? She should be the one reassuring YOU.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Your wife needs to come clean regarding every single thing she did. You need to be able to ask her the same questions a thousand times and she'd better not complain.



I've told her that, and she has. She trickled a few things, then she fessed to all i know now. What I mean by not 100% sure is how can I be? She lied to me about it before I caught her. So even though I keep asking and she is holding the line now. There is no way I can really know for sure if she is still lying. 

When I confronted her, i told her in no uncertain terms to come clean now, because if I find out at any time in the future that it was physcial and she lied to me in order to R, then it would be over. I don't care if it's 40 years from now and we are in our 80's and she is going senile and in her lowered state of mental ability it slips. I told her I would leaver her. Unless she fessed up now. She insists she has told me all. I think that she has. But like I said, there is no fool proof way to 'know'. 

We have been married now for 21 years, and until a couple years ago, we have never had any trust issues. It was 2 years ago when her actions started not matching her words, and 1 year ago when I 'suspected' something and four months now that i've known. 



Hope1964 said:


> what are you reassuring HER about?


That although I'm going to make working on my own anxiety and depression an issue that I still want to work on our relationship. It's up to her to keep on track. For the past 4 months I've been a controlling *******. That's not helping me. I'm going to back off of that and worry about being a happier me. What I want to 'reassure' her of, is that beacuse i'm not putting our relationsihp 1st, it doesn't mean I don't care.

I agree, the lying hurt. It will hurt. She is fully accepting of the fact that I'm not going to trust her. Her words are empty and hollow and that I'm going to judge her on her actions. I could care less what she tells me. She understands that and mourns the loss of trust. As she should, and I won't comfort her about that. She earned that and has to live with that shame.

I'm just wondering has anyone else with anxiety issues ever attempted to R at the same time as dealing with thier own issues. How did that go? Did you put more effort into the R or into your own recovory?

For me it's more than the betrayl working inside me. I've always been closed off, very few friends and like it that way. I hate social situations and avoid them if I can. I was like that before DDay. The aftermath is much, much worse. Sure the betrayl inflammed the situation. But the dysfunctional base was already there. 

I just don't think there can be an US until I find Me. But I want there to be an US. I don't expect it to be all roses again. Never the same as it was, but maybe good again someday. Maybe I'm crazy, or just lying to myself. But, that's how I feel right now.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Decided to work on me first. Part of that will be sorting out my feelings for my WW out from my FOO issues. In the mean time, i'm going stealth on my monitoring of her activities. She is working hard to regain my trust. Spending more time at home, cutting out toxic friendships and involving me in some of her theater projects so i get to know some of the folks she is hanging out with when working on a production. 

Cutting out caffine has helped lower my anxiety a bit. At least it's tolerable. Still can't stop biting my nails. I think that will be a sign to me that i'm improving. 

I've had a couple days this week where I wasn't fixated on my wife's betrayl and wallowing in self pity. So, there is hope.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I am glad to see this. Have you had a look over at Coping with Infidelity at the posts, stickies etc? There is a ton of great info there on what BS's need and what WS's need to do. There's also a lot of good book recommendations floating around.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Yes, certainly have. Been lurking about since late May/ early June. Finally decided it was time to participate. 

I thought about posting this in that forum at first. But, that forum scares me. I really am more interested in dealing with my issues. But I was wondering what experience others had in dealing with marital issues at the same time they realized that had some deeply buried personal issues. And i'm probably just wishy washy enough to be eaten alive in there. 

If her behaviors show to be anything less than trustworthy i'll pick up a VAR and start looking for more advice from the pros. 

In the meantime I'll enjoy the hysterical bonding while it lasts. :smthumbup:


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Are we really that scary?









My daughter has anxiety issues. She's very artsy and took some art therapy sessions. Are you familiar with Ayurveda? Some aspects of it have really helped her. She loves yoga.

Enjoy the HB for sure!!


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Never heard of Ayurveda, I will look into it. I find music a way to express myself. I am going to pick up playing my clarinet Again (it's been a while).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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