# wife does not initiate



## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

My wife loves me dearly. The issue is that she never says I love you unless I say it first. she never just comes up and hugs or kisses me. she never initiates sex But she is always receptive when I do. We have discussed this many times. she says it is because the way her family was when she grew up. No body said I love you and her parents showed no affection towards each other. I try to accept this, but it hurts. I try to then withold the I love yous and the hugs and kisses,,, but thats just not me.. 
Anyone have experience with this? andy advice


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

But she does reciprocate when you are affectionate to her, right? Hugging and kissing you back when you initiate?

If so, congratulations! You are the envy of many of the posters on this board.


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## jdesey (Dec 6, 2015)

technovelist said:


> But she does reciprocate when you are affectionate to her, right? Hugging and kissing you back when you initiate?
> 
> If so, congratulations! You are the envy of many of the posters on this board.


Yes She does. It just feels like I'm forcing her. It would be so nice if she would initiate 
E


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

you could try asking her what she does do when she is feeling the love.

Maybe, when she gets the warm fuzzies, she wears one of your shirts around the house or to bed. (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/295082-wearing-husbands-shirts-home.html)

Maybe she bakes or cooks you something special, something that's your favorite?

Maybe she changes the sheets on the bed, straightens up the bedroom, thinking of how you will come on to her later?

There are many women, who have loving feelings about their husband, but their love language is gifts of service, or quality time. So if that's not you, you could be ships in the night. Especially if you are words of affirmation and physical touch. Maybe you could both try taking the love languages quiz (Home | The 5 Love Languages® | Improving Millions of Relationships? One Language at a Time.) and see if there's some kind of disconnect. I believe if you take it, there's a link at the end to email your results and a link to the quiz to her.
There's a book that goes more in depth, maybe you could read it together and figure out where the disconnect is.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jdesey said:


> Yes She does. It just feels like I'm forcing her. It would be so nice if she would initiate
> E


Many women have "responsive desire", which means that they aren't interested in sex until it starts, then they generally get interested. This is a common difference between men and women, and shouldn't alarm you.


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## James7936 (Nov 21, 2015)

Jdesey,

Your wife is usually suppose to be a submissive wife when it comes to sex, meaning you're the leader of the relationship and she simply is a follower...follows your lead. Without your leadership, nothing will happen...it will just be a sexless marriage. 

Just like when you first laid your eyes on here and knew you had to have her...you lead the beginning of the relationship to where it is now and she follow you to where you are...don't get lazy..it doesn't stop until one of you are dead. That's my two cents.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jdesey said:


> *My wife loves me dearly. * The issue is that she never says I love you unless I say it first. she never just comes up and hugs or kisses me. she never initiates sex


Sure she does. I can tell.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

jdesey said:


> My wife loves me dearly. The issue is that she never says I love you unless I say it first. she never just comes up and hugs or kisses me. she never initiates sex But she is always receptive when I do. We have discussed this many times. she says it is because the way her family was when she grew up. No body said I love you and her parents showed no affection towards each other. I try to accept this, but it hurts. I try to then withold the I love yous and the hugs and kisses,,, but thats just not me..
> Anyone have experience with this? andy advice


Yes, I have experience with it. 

Listen to your wife, she is being honest with you. Some people are just raised and different than others. That doesn't make them wrong, broken or in need of being fixed.

My wife is much like that. However, I have learned by reading Chapman's 5 Love Languages book that even though my wife doesn't often mouth the words "I love you" without my saying them first, every day in her love languages she does things for me that scream "she loved me." While it is not the verbal that I would like, I have come to recognize how she tells me each day that she does love me and have come to smile and be happy when she does in a non-verbal way.

Witholding your love or being angry with her is just destructive to your marriage.

Get Chapman's book the 5 Love Languages, read and study it and then have your wife read it. Learn each others love languages. Communicating love can be far more than just words. Recognize what she does in her love languages that tells you she loves you and bask in that feeling of her love. Work with her so that sometimes she can even show her love for you in your love languages and you work to show her how much you love her in her love languages.

My love languages are touch and words of affirmation (praise). My wife's love languages are acts of service and quality time. It was amazing that it took over 38 years of marriage before I realized that her making me a hot meal for dinner each night was an act of service that meant she loved me. I would have never guess it until I read Chapman's book. 

She now knows that touch is important to me. Until she read Chapman she never thought that touch was a form of communication or a way of showing emotional love.

Good luck.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jdesey said:


> Anyone have experience with this? any advice


When you get dressed in the morning and find clean underwear to put on, think to yourself, "my wife loves me!"

When you go to pee and you notice there is no pee splattered all over the bathroom as there was when you lived with the guys in your college dorm, think to yourself, "if I want my wife to say she loves me, I should probably clean this shît up when I miss the toilet instead of leaving it for her to sit on!"

When you lay down in bed and smell fresh laundered sheet, think to yourself, "my wife loves me!"

When you get undressed at night and throw your socks wherever you happen to be sitting on the floor next to you, look at them and think, "if I make her pick these up all the time and she has not punched me in the face yet to make me stop, she loves me!"

that help?

Badsanta


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

jdesey said:


> My wife loves me dearly. The issue is that she never says I love you unless I say it first. she never just comes up and hugs or kisses me. she never initiates sex But she is always receptive when I do. We have discussed this many times. she says it is because the way her family was when she grew up. No body said I love you and her parents showed no affection towards each other. I try to accept this, but it hurts. I try to then withold the I love yous and the hugs and kisses,,, but thats just not me..
> Anyone have experience with this? andy advice


This is not insurmountable.

Stop withholding the love yous and the hugs and the kisses. She has not been taught how to properly show you affection so punishing her for doing what comes natural isn't going to get you what you want. It will get you more distance and less intimacy.

I think a carrot and stick approach is going to get much better results. She can probably be trained. 

"It makes me feel good when you..."

Then when she does what you have asked you reward her. And see how it goes. 

What kinds of things make her feel loved?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The convenient excuse of "being raised within the confines of an unaffectionate, toxic family" ~ always seems to be the curse that just perpetually keeps on giving!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *The convenient excuse of "being raised within the confines of an unaffectionate, toxic family" ~ always seems to be the curse that just perpetually keeps on giving!*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hard to argue with this, but where there is a will there's a way. And as long as this one isn't running around on him and she is willing to work on it, there is hope for change.


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