# How to deal with a liar.



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

Hello. 

Yesterday I learned that my husband is using his credit card (that only shows up on his account and that I can't see) to hide purchases he makes from me. As in, we have money in the joint bank account but he thinks I won't like the purchase, so he'll use his credit card so I won't know. Then he'll transfer the money back over from the bank so it'll look like he's just making credit card payments. He does this every day. He also admitted to making purchases when he thought I would think we didn't have the money to be wasting on non necessary things. 

My father has always kept finances hidden from my mother and he borrows from people and doesn't tell my mother. I have always told my husband that that behaviour is not acceptable and I would not put up with it. I told him last night that I felt like he was treating me like my father treats my mother but I won't stand for it. 

He's a great husband otherwise. He just has this thing for lying. This is not the first time he's hidden things from me. I don't know how big a deal to make of this. I am not one of those people who snoop and I have no interest in becoming one of them. I like to show people the same amount of trust and respect I expect.

He's also lying about the kind of person he is. He is hiding unhealthy food choices from me (like I bloody care!) and he is pretending to make credit card payments. When in reality he eats out like a pig and is just bailing himself out. 

I'm not sure what to do. Am I making too big a deal out of this? They're not big lies, but he is only using his credit card to lie to me. I swore I would never be treated this way.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Lying is a big deal. If he is dishonest with the money, what else will he lie about? How much money has it been, and what does he spend it on?


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

He would only show me two weeks worth of his statement, but it looked like about $100 a week on candy, chocolate, pop, burgers, and an online card game called Magic the Gathering. It's not what he's buying, it's that he feels he has to hide it. I don't love that he eats crap, but I asked him if he really thought I'd care enough that he had to hide it. And he said he wanted me to think he cared about his health. So he's been lying about the kind of person he is. And the Magic game he admitted to buying in despite thinking I would be concerned about the money he was spending.

We've been together almost 4 years and he's never shown me his credit card statements even though we review mine together about once every couple months. I like to show him I'm comfortable with him seeing what I buy, but he's never reciprocated.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If you can't trust in one area....he is found to be hiding, lying to save his own face...you can bet this seeps into many other areas... 

We can never expect people to walk a straight line all the time in life...we all make stupid mistakes, do dumb things in a moment.... but to not LIE & play the Cowardice cover up game...absolutely! This is just courteous & loving to our partners...not to mention good for our consciences... also helps us stay accountable. 










Sounds like he has an "out of control" spending & junk food aholic problem ~ he needs some help, some financial discipline & food restraint .... but he has to be honest & recognize this... just like an Alcoholic would, to seek changing his ways.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Everyone should have blow money that they can spend without having to answer to their spouse.

I suggest you try some compassion and understanding. He lies because he fears judgement from you. 



> He's also lying about the kind of person he is. He is hiding unhealthy food choices from me (like I bloody care!) and he is pretending to make credit card payments. When in reality he eats out like a pig and is just bailing himself out.


In this you contradicted yourself. First you say you don't "bloody care" then you call him a pig. I can see why he hides these purchases from you. You don't like the person he really is.

I suggest you either buy him his junk food or give him the money to do it himself. Trying to control a man never ever works.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless the guy is a psycho, he's being deceptive for a reason. If he has to hide food purchases from you, is it because you have given him a ration of grief in the past for his unhealthy choices? Eating Ding Dongs might be unhealthy, but so is the stress of listening to nagging. He works and earns a paycheck. By your admission, he's a decent guy. Who gives a fig if he spends a few dollars without asking your permission? If he's buying hookers, I could see the problem. Lying is unpleasant. It's stressful and it feels bad. Most people would prefer to tell the truth. Why does your husband feel he can't tell you the truth? Unless he grew up lying to everyone, he's been trained that the stress of lying to you beats whatever he'll get if he tells you the truth.


----------



## bobby5 (Mar 21, 2011)

If he bought flowers for another woman or a gun or gay porn then yea have a canary but if he buying food that you gave him a hard time over i dont think its a big crime and if he learns that you are ok with him having a small vice and a life he wont have to do it again. Im not saying u are entirely wrong just it appears he is far from a rogue (;


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

*1.* If you are a saver ~ and you married a frivolous spender.... 

*2.* If you are someone who cares about your weight & looks and married someone who thinks that is as important are a lazy person taking the garbage out

*3*. If you are someone who values a willing transparency & he feels that is controlling... 

There are some real compatibility issues to work through here.



> *unbelievable said*: If he has to hide food purchases from you, is it because you have given him a ration of grief in the past for his unhealthy choices? Eating Ding Dongs might be unhealthy, but so is the stress of listening to nagging.


 Happy my husband doesn't look at me like this... He has Type 2 in his family...and if he went out eating ding dongs all day, he'd get it... then he's have to take Metaforim which will lower his already low Test levels -which would screw with our sex life... so yeah... This wife would care how he eats...for his future...and ours... every situation is different. 

What our motivations are behind why we feel the way we do... is important.


----------



## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Dogsandcat said:


> Hello.
> 
> Yesterday I learned that my husband is using his credit card (that only shows up on his account and that I can't see) to hide purchases he makes from me. As in, we have money in the joint bank account but he thinks I won't like the purchase, so he'll use his credit card so I won't know. Then he'll transfer the money back over from the bank so it'll look like he's just making credit card payments. He does this every day. He also admitted to making purchases when he thought I would think we didn't have the money to be wasting on non necessary things.
> 
> ...


My husband lies too about things that he knows will upset me and the thing about that is it makes me not trust him in the big deal areas as well, so... 

They do it to keep you happy, or to protect you or themselves. My husband has flat-out told me he lies to protect himself which I think is just awful. It's an awful thing to do to your spouse. The thing is, he thinks the things he is doing are totally fine and nothing I need to be upset over, but he knows it will upset me and so he hides them or lies about them. 

The thing about your husband is he is lying about things that have the potential to hurt you, that is bad for you because it affects a joint account. Big ticket expenditures should be discussed between the two of you and agreed upon. What he is doing is wrong and I would have a big discussion with him about it. 

He needs to know that if he keeps lying about various things that you will no longer trust him in any area (including infidelity) because that is what is going to end up happening.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

Thank you very much for all the responses. I just finished writing my response and tried to put a quote in, which lost all of my writing and now I am going to try and remember what I wrote, but that is really frustrating. 

Okay. I hear what everyone is saying about if he's hiding food purchases from me, I must nag him all the time about his eating and he's scared to let me know he eats badly. The truth is, I don't. I think he feels badly because I eat well and take care of myself, and he wants to feel like I think he does too. But I'm not an idiot. I know he eats like a 13 year old. When we eat out together, he gets deep fried everything, heaping with cheese, tons of coke... so if he can do that in front of me, why does he have to hide this on his credit card? 

Also, yes, he has health reasons that make me concerned about his eating habits. His stomach is very sensitive to dairy and fried foods, which causes almost instant diarreah and gas. He also gets gout periodically from his eating habits (and he's young!). None of this stops him, though. He knows what he is doing and he doesn't care. Is it wrong that I hate seeing him do this to himself? But even THEN, I hardly nag him. But honestly, I won't let him complain to me when he feels unwell after eating badly because he knew what he was doing. He doesn't care. 

I'm really trying to think if I've made it so that he can't be himself around me. I honestly don't see how I could have made it so bad for him that he has to do this. I have no interest in keeping tabs on the money he spends, but I will not tolerate him lying. The fact that he uses his credit card just as a way to lie to me is not something I can live with. 

Yes, we do have incompatibility with spending and health. We've been working on this. I am not, and hope never to be, a snooper. I have no interest in policing his money and when he finally showed me his statement, I told him before I looked, that I was not interested in being his mother and telling him what he can spend his money on. I was just wondering what he was buying that he feels he has to hide. 

For me, it's almost worse that he hides stupid things like burgers and Magic. It's just in his nature to be secretive. We've been dealing with this for four years. He hides the photos on his camera, (gets VERY cagey when I ask to see 'that photo you took of the dogs a couple days ago'), he hides e-mails (will tilt his computer away so I can't see), hides passwords (to EVERYTHING regardless of value). It took him MONTHS to stop hiding his bank pin from me--- even though we have the same account! I kept telling him, I don't give a care what the number is--- and I have no intension of memorizing it!--- I just hate that you don't trust me. 

I really really have no interest in policing his spending, but I shouldn't have to worry about him buying burgers for himself when we need groceries for the household. 

We've agreed to stay home tonight after work to talk about this. I told him it's a really big deal and I won't be with someone who lies about our finances. I need to trust that he is able to put us before himself. Burgers for himself cannot matter more than groceries. Also, I hate his penchant for secrecy. He's always been like this and although I trust his fidelity, it has been questioned in the past. He used to go on dinner dates (just the two of them) with a girl who had once sucked his c*** (before we'd been together). After years of me telling him I'm not comfortable with that, he's finally stopped that. But with the secrecy thing, how can I be sure? How can I be sure of anything?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dogsandcat said:


> Is it wrong that I hate seeing him do this to himself? But even THEN, I hardly nag him.


You may not nag with words but your body language says otherwise. Look just be honest with yourself you don't like that he eats that way. It's disgusting.

And I'm actually on your side. My husband struggles with overeating. It's not all that fun to watch him eat 2-3 plates of food while I sit here eating salads and grilled chicken to stay thin.

What changed with me was my attitude. I've decided to love him anyway. I look to his good qualities and deliberately turn my eyes away from the things I don't like. I'm aware that they are there but I choose not to dwell on them.

As a result my husband is FREE. He's free to live his life as he sees fit without judgement from me. Once I got my mind and body to agree to this something magical happened.....he quit overeating. :smthumbup:

But as long as he felt I was trying to change or control him he rebelled.

You husband has issues with secrecy yes but I beg you to look deeper and find out WHY. The problem is rarely where we think it is.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

Thank you Mavash for that response. It was actually very good to hear. I'm looking at this as exclusively his problem because he's always been like this about a lot of things. But I wasn't able to consider that I may be the cause of it. 

I want my husband to be free. I want him to feel like I am always on his side. I really want him to be who he is around me. 

Are wanting these things but also wanting things for yourself mutually exclusive? How can I allow him to spend money freely without worry if we have a child on the way and he's admitted he has no control? How can I embody no judgement as I sit watching him eat himself sick? As much as I want him to be comfortable, I have to be comfortable too. How do I find the balance?

I really do love him anyway. Maybe you're right in that I don't show him enough. I believe that anything can be worked on and I really can live with him eating badly, but I don't know about the need for secrecy. I'm scared it's a habit he's developed to hide bad things. Big things. I'm debating about asking him to show me more than just the two weeks he let me see. What else is he buying that he's so scared to show me? How can it just be burgers and Magic?

I'm really struggling with this. I don't want to lose him, but I need him to stop hiding things and being sneaky. I can't be with a man I can't trust and I don't deserve to be with a man who doesn't trust me.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He obviously has self control issues. NO ONE can just randomly spend money on whatever whim comes over them, its blatently irresponsible. And the eating? Is he overweight? Is this something he always struggled with before? It sounds to me like he does not want to be held accountable for his actions. Kind of like, "nyahh nyahh, I can do what I want, youre not the boss of me!". And whats with him hiding emails and passwords, too? I wouldnt be surprised if he is having at LEAST an EA, if not a PA as well.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

If possible what you want to do is think win/win. Try to find out what he wants then tell him what YOU want then come up with a solution that's mutually agreeable.

Say "I'm not okay with you spending money we don't have. Do you have any idea as to how WE can fix this?"

Say "I'm okay with you eating junk food but I'm not okay with you hiding and lying about it."

I also find it very interesting that your father did it to your mother and you've repeated history by marrying a man just like dear old dad.


----------



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Just to add onto what Mavash said (which I 100% agree with) - my gut tells me that this habit runs deeper than your relationship. Likely he has been like this his entire life, perhaps he had some troubles with his relationship with his parents where they were very judgmental and he developed a habit of hiding everything from them? Just dwell on it awhile and think about it. These types of habits don't pop up overnight, typically.

My H can also be secretive at times - moreso in terms of withholding information rather than blatantly setting up ways to do things out of my sight. However, his mother is literally the most judgmental person I have ever met and is very vocal when she disapproves of something, and knowing he grew up in that environment I can understand how he developed his habit of "dont ask, dont tell" to avoid any judgment that might result.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

kag123 said:


> My H can also be secretive at times - moreso in terms of withholding information rather than blatantly setting up ways to do things out of my sight. However, his mother is literally the most judgmental person I have ever met and is very vocal when she disapproves of something, and knowing he grew up in that environment I can understand how he developed his habit of "dont ask, dont tell" to avoid any judgment that might result.


My husband's father was super controlling and he tends to lie by omission as well. It's taken me YEARS to get him to understand that I'm NOT his father, I love him, and I'm on HIS side. I'm not his enemy and I want to help.

But you make a good point. When you see WHY someone behaves a certain way it helps you deal with it because it's no longer personal. When I catch my husband withholding information I know now it's not about me. I can then be objective and deal with it effectively, calmly instead of getting all pissy about it.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

He actually used to be overweight, and now he's just unfit (has never exercised in his life). He is eating better now, and I guess the only really bad food he eats is when he's out at work or out at night. He eats a healthy breakfast at home, then goes to work and buys lunch and at least one bag of chips and a chocolate bar and numerous cokes. Then he comes home and eats (usually) a not too unhealthy dinner. The eating like a thirteen year old thing does bother me, because I just wish he would care about what he's doing o his body. He said he would give up booze while I'm pregnant so we could not drink as a team, and I said if you he wanted to cut something out and change his diet like I'm going to be, he could eat healthy with me. Well, yesterday's credit card statement said otherwise. Not that I expected him to. 

His parents don't seem overly judgemental, but who knows. Honestly, I don't know what makes him so secretive. I'm going to try and talk to him about that tonight, but I doubt he knows. He works at a bank so they are certainly taught to hide passwords, but this goes way beyond that. Also, rules you live by at work are not rules you live by for life. 

Mavash, thank you for those helpful ways of phrasing these awkward topics. I don't want to just talk and have him glaze over and nod. He tends to just parrot back what I say when I tell him I'm upset ("You're right, I'm not being responsible") instead of really listening and figuring out what is wrong. 

And no bloody kidding about the inheriting the woes of my mother. lol, christ. Honestly, if I'd known this going in, I wouldn't have looked twice. But I honestly love him to bits and he is a good guy generally, I just will not live with the secrecy.

I'm thinking of asking him to see someone. Is it worth it for both of us, or just him?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dogsandcat said:


> Mavash, thank you for those helpful ways of phrasing these awkward topics. I don't want to just talk and have him glaze over and nod. He tends to just parrot back what I say when I tell him I'm upset ("You're right, I'm not being responsible") instead of really listening and figuring out what is wrong.


As a general rule I think talking is overrated. I've yet to have that work in my 21 year marriage. In my house what happens is my husband tunes me out. Again I've morphed into his lecturing, judgemental parents. He spends the entire time either parroting back what I say or planning his defense. Either way he doesn't listen.

I've had to get creative. Talk less DO more is my motto. Oh the funny stories I could tell you about how I've fixed problem in my marriage by saying very little.

See once I see my husband's eyes glaze over I stop talking. At that point it's a total waste of my time. KWIM?

But it's always worth trying. Just remember communication isn't just about words.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

If I don't talk with him to figure this out, what can I do? I need him to understand that this is not okay. How do I tell him that without turning into his parents too? I don't know that I'm prepared to just leave. Or that I want to. But I will not accept this as a part of our marriage. 

I said he needs to leave the credit card at home and begin to make all his purchases on the debit. I told him I don't care if he buys junk food. I also told him, if he has things he wants to hide (so long as it's not everything) take cash out. I don't want to know all his business. But now I think this is not a great plan. It's not the piece of plastic that is the issue. He will just find a way around it. What I need to figure out is his need for secrecy. 

And secrecy is different than privacy. I certainly have no interest in knowing everything he does. Why would I want to? I just don't want to be blatantly lied to.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You can talk just keep it to a minimum. Say 2-3 sentences and then stop talking. 

"I'm not okay with...."

Then see what he offers up as a solution.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

Thanks for the help.  I'll let you know.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

One more thing if he has no solution don't rush to offer one. 

This is HIS problem to fix - your job is to tell him you're not okay with it. Step 1. 

Start slowly. Make sense?

Move to step 2 after you see how he responds to you calmly telling him what you're not okay with.

Another way is to use vulnerable feeling words. "I feel unloved when you lie to me". "I feel cut out of your life when you hide things from me". 

Pick your own words cause I can't write it for you - just make it good and make it be real. If it makes you cry when you say it outloud then you nailed it.


----------



## Dogsandcat (Nov 30, 2012)

Yeah, I remember in grade school we had a lecturer come in to teach us how to use "I phrases". Never say "You". And that has been incredibly helpful for talking to people when you want them to see your point of view without getting defensive. 

You've really been helpful, Mavash, thank you again.


----------

