# I am an abuser



## PrivateGaeta12 (Jul 1, 2011)

Hi, Im 25 years old and new to this site.


3 years ago i met the most wonderful woman in the world. She was so special to me and made me so happy.

She had been through some sexual trauma in her life, and she also has alot of issues with pornography. She is very afraid of being used by men.


Well, after the initial honeymoon period, my abusive tendencies would come out.

Whenever she would speak of her past i would call her a ***** and try to control the argument by degrading and disrespecting her.

Well, in december she decided that she needed a break.

Things were okay for about 2 months until she acted as if she wanted me back, but she said that she was not ready. I flipped out, called her a *****, told her that i was sick of her body and that she was simply a sex object to me. 

She forgave me for this, but she did not take me back. 

About 1 month ago, she contacted me again to tell me that she missed me. But this time i went ballistic.

I told her that she was a *****, that i got sick of her and looked at pornography during our relationship. And i told her that i showed her private pictures to my friends.

Honestly, i jsut wanted to hurt her. I was not in posession of her intimate pictures anymore, but i knew that i could break her heart if i said that.

I feel like a monster. Everything that i did to her falls into the exact definition of abuse.

I know that i am an emotional abuser. 

I have sought out help from various websites, but the resources for abusers are very little.
People often criticize me and harangue me. They are angry at me for being an abuser.


I Just want to get a hold of my anger. I know that i will never see my love again. 

But i also know that i do not want to hurt the next woman in my life in a similar way.


I feel as if the only way i can atone for my behavior is if i truly make an effort to change. 

I dont think that i will ever be able to take away the hurt from her.

I feel so horrible, i loved her so much, and i really do wish that i could turn back time.


I dont know what to do. I live with my parents, in an environment that can be quite verbally abusive (arranged marriage) 


I dont know what to do. I dont know if i can ever change. I dont want to have hate inside me. I am so lost and confused, and would greatly appreciate some advice.


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## wunderbar (May 30, 2011)

The first step toward healing is admitting you have a problem, hitting rock bottom so to speak, and then getting help. Do you have the ability (resources, etc) to see a counselor? A spiritual adviser may also be very helpful to turn to for advice. 

The most important thing to get out of counseling is understand the cycle. What triggers you to hurt someone? Usually anger comes form hurt, pain that the person does not want to acknowledge. The anger could be from thinking that what that person said devalues you or from something in the past. Some unresolved hurt that you take out on this person. 

Once you can identify what causes you to act out, then you can try to modify the behavior. The next time someone hurts you, you can admit how much it hurts rather than get angry. Or you can replay, in your head, the incident that causes you pain (her leaving you, for example) until it no longer hurts when you think about it, thus relieving the anger that used to be there.

Mainly its about finding other, healthier outlets for your frustrations, anger so that you don't take it out on people you love.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

I think that EVERYONE have it in themselves the ability to change if they TRULY want to. It's like an addiction to cigarettes, alcohol and drugs, and when people tell me they can't quit, I know better.

*BEEN THERE, DONE THAT!*

I was raised by a very strict and abusive step father. A friend and I found a bicycle once and I took it home. It turned out that it belonged to one of the neighborhood kids and he told my stepfather that I stole it.

I was asleep on a lawn chair in the back yard and my stepfather and the kid came in, and before I knew what was happening, my stepfather punched me in the mouth. NEVER even asked anything about the bike.

I swore from that day on that I would NEVER be like him. That was when I was 12 years old. I am now in my late 60's and to this day, I never turned out like him.

Of course I could have turned out abusive like him and blamed it on how I was raised. But that is a COP OUT!

I drank alcohol from 15 on, but quit when I became legally of age (21) because it wasn't fun anymore. I smoked when I was 9 years old and quit cold turkey in Feb of 2004.

So I know it can be done, but YOU GOTTA WANT IT! Not just wish it. You MUST remain focused on your own behavior and MUST curtail the sudden anger.

*NO ONE CAN MAKE YOU STOP* ... You have to do it on your own and must really want it. If you don't, you stand to lose more of the people that care about you. Think about that constantly and remind yourself of it every time you are about to lose control.

Walk away if you have too to avoid the confrontation ... It will be better for you in the long run.

*Do this before it's TOO LATE!*


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Are you in the US?


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Yes, I agree with wunderbar and kauaiguy. Instead of looking for help on abuse, look for help on anger management. There is plenty of information available on anger management. If you live in the US you can call 211 for free (United Way helpline) and ask them about anger management resources in your community.

With the abuse, you are trying to control your environment. The abuse isn't necessarily about the person you are abusing but how you are feeling internally about yourself. I am sure that throughout your life, people have told you that you are weak, stupid, fat, ugly and insensitive. There is a part of you that believes those things and you try to control those emotions from overtaking you, but they still somehow end up getting the best of you. Yes, get to counseling if you are able to. Get involved with an anger management class in your area. Change is possible, even with those who came from the worst of circumstances. 

Check out this article: Changing Behaviors from a Tramautic Past


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Also check out this article.

Breaking the Chain of Negative Family Influences - Marriage & Families Magazine


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You have to go on a very long walk or bike ride, with an open mind. By long I mean a couple of months. If you have the means to do it, it would be a good thing for you. First of all, you will experience the world outside of your home. I can assure you that it is largely populated with good people who will be kind to you. You can't get that kindness from a book or even from therapy. You can only get it from experience. If you don't have it, then you can't give it to someone else. If you get a chance to do things like collect songs or recipes or stories or something that can stay with you and also be given to other people, you will be on your way to an improved state of mind.

Where I live, it's summer. So a perfect time to go.
And you are a good age for it, too.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

Abusers have very low self-esteem and use their anger to deal with their sense of insecurity. You CAN break out of this pattern but you need to address the negative feelings you have about yourself. Find a licensed psychologist and seek treatment for this. Self-help books won't give you the support you need. Sadness and hurt are behind angry feelings. You need to learn how to be in touch with these difficult feelings so that you can process them and move away from them. Your deep sense of worthlessness is what is plaguing you. You somehow learned to devalue yourself growing up (probably due to a dysfunctional family system) so you need to deprogram yourself from all of those negative messages. It takes time but you can do it. Do not date anyone else until you get this under control.


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## PrivateGaeta12 (Jul 1, 2011)

Why do you say that i should address anger management rather than abuse? Yes i live in the United States. 


Also, do you folks have any suggestions about how to manage my guilt over this situation. Because of the stress of the situation, I have had a flare up of my Acid Reflux, and I failed a professional exam which is very important to my career. The guilt is hindering my ability to even get basic things done.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

PrivateGaeta12 said:


> Why do you say that i should address anger management rather than abuse? Yes i live in the United States.
> 
> 
> Also, do you folks have any suggestions about how to manage my guilt over this situation. Because of the stress of the situation, I have had a flare up of my Acid Reflux, and I failed a professional exam which is very important to my career. The guilt is hindering my ability to even get basic things done.


Do some volunteer work. 
Be nice to people, even if it just means smiling or giving a well-deserved compliment, holding the door open for someone with their hands full, or picking up trash alongside the road on your walk or at a park.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

In the US, you can go to United Way and find your local chapter, and get access to a qualified psychologist. Everything you are describing can be fixed by going to a psychologist.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I commend you for admitting your abuse. It might be too late for your wife but it's not late for you to get your life together and move towards a healthy, loving relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blacksmith (Jun 25, 2011)

It is obvious that what you are experiencing is insecurity; but picture it as an *open wound*. Similar to what would happen to your skin, your emotional body has a gaping wound.

You're starting a process of healing, just as your body would, had you suffered a physical injury!

The anger is similar to an inappropriate immune-response...

This is because, basically, what you haven't heard yet, is that the core of this issue is that you have an inappropriate script; negative internal/subconscious feedback, its quite similar to a virus, right? 

Now, what this feedback is telling you, *is exactly what you are throwing off, the exact message that you are sending to your partner is the one that's being played back in your own mind/soul!* Simple! *More specifically it is of a sexual nature, quite likely that you were/witnessed strong sexually abused, or possibly have a sex/purity issue in regards to your religious upbringing*.

The good news, is that the clear root of this issue, is *self-reliance*, a belief that you cannot for some reason access the love that you NEED. A belief that you will not show/be seen for who you are at a heart level. 

Someone mentioned a long trip, a bike trip or a hike; this is absolutely on par. An excursion- a long one. Ayahuasca perhaps? A break from relationships, and you need to move out on top of that.

Good luck with it!


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## TFT (Jul 4, 2011)

I have worked with victims of domestic violence for years and have taught extensively on this subject. I commend you for being honest enough with yourself to admit that you are an abuser. That is the most important step so far. You now need to do some introspective work to figure out where the need to hurt those with whom you are romantically intimate with comes from. Maybe you grew up in a household where some form of abuse was present. If so consider the ways in which you can break this cycle that you have already begun to perpetuate. I am not sure if you are in the US but if so there are many programs for abusers available to you. You can also seek out individual counseling, which I highly recommend, to get to the root of your issues. As far as your ex-girlfriend is concerned the BEST thing you can do for her is to leave her alone. She has suffered too much trauma already beginning for childhood and every time you hurt her in this way you continue to re-traumatize her and beat her down emotionally. The fact that she remains in contact with you speaks volumes to her emotional fragility. She also needs serious long term psychotherapy to address her own issues of sexual abuse, feelings of worthlessness and low self esteem. My biggest suggestion to you is to work on making yourself a better person before contemplating a new relationship.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

There are a lot more qualified people than me giving you advice so I would listen. But in my opinion you sound less like an abuser and more like an unbalanced individual. You don't seek to control, you seek revenge...and at the most bizarre moments. Something isn't right up there. I'm not trying to disrespect you, I just think your on the verge of exploding and the most in opportune times. It doesn't make sense.


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## PrivateGaeta12 (Jul 1, 2011)

sinnister said:


> There are a lot more qualified people than me giving you advice so I would listen. But in my opinion you sound less like an abuser and more like an unbalanced individual. You don't seek to control, you seek revenge...and at the most bizarre moments. Something isn't right up there. I'm not trying to disrespect you, I just think your on the verge of exploding and the most in opportune times. It doesn't make sense.


I have been thinking about this comment and I think it is accurate. I am not sure why I seek revenge. I wonder what could be causing it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Something from your childhood that created the decision that doing so would give you pleasure.

Which is why you need professional help to figure it out.


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