# Getting him to initiate sex again



## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

So me and my partner had our ups and downs. That's why I joined this site, to find out some things. Has been quite interesting. He stopped initiating sex so after being on here, I decided to try harder on my side and started doing it more often hoping it would kick start him again. That didn't work, I never got turned down but he still didn't try. So I spoke to him about it and he said it's because I would "always" turn him down. I agreed because he has the worst timing, but told him if he chose better timing I would stop saying no. However our body clocks are on completely different times.

He stays up until around 2 am, making him not wake up until lunch time. Unless he has work on of course, but still he doesn't come to bed earlier. I have to be up with the kids by 7 am and then in bed much earlier then him. 
I even tried staying up later in hope he would start initiating more when the boys were asleep, however that never worked because that's his gaming time.

We are at the point now that the only time we have sex is if I get bored and wake him up early (normally 10 or 11 am) and take it. However I'm sooo sick of his morning breath, I want him when I can kiss him without being grossed out. I make the effort though and pretend it doesn't bother me.

However because we only have sex like once a month or once a fortnight if lucky, he doesn't last long and that upsets him. I tell him we should do it more often and he would last longer. 

I'm just need to k ow if there is a subtle way to remind him to try harder? Like... I can talk til I'm blue in the face but he just believes that "I'm ready for it whenever you are" is good enough but I want some romance. We do have foreplay but by the time I actually want sex with him, I'm not interested in drawing it out. 

I don't know. I'm rambling. Just want advice on how to get him to start trying again...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If you figure it out let me know. I don't initiate anymore either because of all the past rejection. I'm just not willing to put myself out there on the chopping block. My wife initiates 1 or 2 times a week so it's not like we don't do it. But I'm no longer interested is being vulnerable to her in any way. Like I said, if you figure out a way for him to get past it let me know.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I am willing that's the problem. I understand it hurt him with the rejection I just ask for him to chose better timing. We have so much alone time, the kids aren't his so we have a whole weekend every fortnight, plus during the day when kids are at school and at night as they go to bed at 7. I just don't want to interrupt *his* down time at night when I'm up for it. 

We have only been together coming on 4 years, it's not like we have been together a long time. I don't want us drifting apart because of this already


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Have you tried telling him something like, "as soon as the kids are in bed tonight I want you to grab me, pull me into the bedroom, take my clothes off and have your wicked way with me..."

Have you tried telling him "tonight no electronics. It's me you and this bottle of body oil!"

Have you tried apologizing for all the prior rejections and promised they won't happen anymore? Have you given him the opportunity to tell you how hurt he has been with your prior rejections? Have you tried telling him exactly what you'd like from him?


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I did apologies for the rejections, that was part of me agreeing I was doing it and saying I wouldn't anymore. He doesn't talk about his feelings so I won't get much out of him in terms of him telling me how it made him feel. I tell him all the time what I would like, I wish he would tell me what he wants. He is a simply man to please and he is quite happy but I know he wants more sex and to last longer.

When I tell him things that I want to do to him, ie, texting him when we aren't together, or whisper seductively in his ear ect, he plays along but it never goes further. I know he has retry much no romantic streak but when he tries he does really well. 
I'm easy to please. On pirate day a couple years back, as a family we did a treasure hunt. Then later that night he presented me with a map to follow around in the dark outside while he set up a pirate porn and some drinks for us. That was the most romantic thing he has ever done and I LOVED IT. Purely for the fact he put effort into it.

I know if I was to do all the steps to make our time together amazing, it would be. But I want some in return...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have to get him to give up gaming as an emotional reward system.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: Getting him to initiate sex again*



LongWalk said:


> You have to get him to give up gaming as an emotional reward system.


I would never do that. That is his only escape, his only form of fun. Like other men who might go golfing or the pub or whatever. That's his.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

its good that your libido is kicking in and you want sex with him again. But it sounds like he was rejected enough to become gun-shy of sex with you. Took up gaming as an alternative release.

So...just get kinkier and more demanding with him. Do you ever just walk in the room wearing the naughtiest of lingerie when he is gaming, and just tease his ****? Mabye give him a BJ when he is plaing his game. Stroke his **** under his pants as he games.

THAT will be like a knock upside his head...eventually it will start to seep into his subconscious, and get him horny for you again.

Another thing is sex in unexpected places. Like you are in the grocery store, and you are in an isle with no one else, and you briefly rub your hand over his ****. just for a second. Let him know you are thinking of him. or you are in a restaurant, slip off your shoes, and let your toes probe up his legs to his crotch, and tease him.

Try taking him to a lingerie store, let him pick out something he loves, you try it on, he buys it, and you rush home to have sex in it.

Since he is into games so much, maybe you dress up in cosplay as one of his favorite video game characters, and have sex that way. Maybe go to a comiccon convention with the two of you in costplay dress, then go home after and have sex still dressed up. You, of course, need to choose a really kinky cosplay outfit.

You need his mind thinking of kinky sex, and thinking of YOU while he has that sex with him Tease him, get his mind working again.

AND....NEVER AGAIN turn him down for sex. NO EXCUSES. that was pretty wrong of you to turn him down all the time. it damaged him


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

*Re: Re: Getting him to initiate sex again*



murphy5 said:


> its good that your libido is kicking in and you want sex with him again. But it sounds like he was rejected enough to become gun-shy of sex with you. Took up gaming as an alternative release.


Going to answer this in parts.
No. That simply is not true. I have known him for over 10 years and he has always been a gamer. I am his first sexual partner and his first adult relationship, we got together at 25



> So...just get kinkier and more demanding with him. Do you ever just walk in the room wearing the naughtiest of lingerie when he is gaming, and just tease his ****? Mabye give him a BJ when he is plaing his game. Stroke his **** under his pants as he games.
> 
> THAT will be like a knock upside his head...eventually it will start to seep into his subconscious, and get him horny for you again.


This is what I have done when I started once again to try and get him to realize I want sex. However, he still just waited for me and never tried himself.



> Another thing is sex in unexpected places. Like you are in the grocery store, and you are in an isle with no one else, and you briefly rub your hand over his ****. just for a second. Let him know you are thinking of him. or you are in a restaurant, slip off your shoes, and let your toes probe up his legs to his crotch, and tease him.


 I do this all the time. Any time. I love feeling him up just to let him know, alas it does work.



> Try taking him to a lingerie store, let him pick out something he loves, you try it on, he buys it, and you rush home to have sex in it.
> 
> Since he is into games so much, maybe you dress up in cosplay as one of his favorite video game characters, and have sex that way. Maybe go to a comiccon convention with the two of you in costplay dress, then go home after and have sex still dressed up. You, of course, need to choose a really kinky cosplay outfit.


We do this when money permits. Go sex toy shopping and buy things for both of us to use. 
I have wanted to dress up in cosplay but I'm not very confident so it will only happen on days when I'm feeling very confident. Again though, when money isn't an issue that would be an awesome idea to try but that will only work on the one occasion really. Doesn't fix it in the long run.



> You need his mind thinking of kinky sex, and thinking of YOU while he has that sex with him Tease him, get his mind working again.
> 
> AND....NEVER AGAIN turn him down for sex. NO EXCUSES. that was pretty wrong of you to turn him down all the time. it damaged him


Finally, I never made excuses. It was as much his fault as mine. Most of the times I turned him down was because like I said, he had bad timing. When I had dinner cooking on the stove and couldn't leave it. 20 minutes before school pick up. The fact that he sleeps in late made our time together short. That's his choice and something he needs to work on but I'm trying to work on my end as well. Also, I don't do make up sex. I can't have sex with the man I love when he has p!ssed me off big time. I expect an apology or to discuss what happened. So yes, when I'm angry at him, I will refuse sex until the problem is sorted.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

It sounds to me like he is more interested in holding onto being the "victim" than he is on working with you . Is he typically a "my way, or the highway" type of person?

So, from his perspective, all the times you didn't have sex on his terms were "rejections?" You asked him to work with you on the timing (not in the middle of dinner, not right before you have to be somewhere with the kids, not in the middle of the night when you have to be up early.) To me, to insist on sex when it's a obviously a bad time for your partner and then cry "rejection!" is just lame and controlling. How about if you only initiated when he was highly focused on his gaming or in the middle of a work project and then decided that you'd never initiate again due to his "rejection." 

I think some people do hold on to resentment from real or perceived hurts more than others do. I'm one of those people, to be honest. But that's on me to figure out. Here is your husband with a partner ready and willing to say "I'm sorry" and to work on improving things, and he just wants to lay there like a lump and let you do all the work. 

Ugh. Not sexy.

I think you guys need to either communicate about this more, or get some MC to get past it. Your out of sync schedules make it hard enough; his unwillingness to get past old hurts just adds to the burden. I mean, have you asked him what more he WANTS from you? Does he want you to completely subvert your needs to his for six months? One year? How long can things go on like this before you give up, too? 

I rejected my husband frequently for ten years due to, among other things, resentment. Working with him to get our sex life back was the most productive thing we did in our entire 25 year relationship. But I had someone who wanted to work with me; not someone who wanted to punish me for the past. Yeah, it took awhile before he was able to consistently initiate with confidence again, but knowing that he was on board with my efforts and was trying, too, made it so much easier to do the work on myself.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If you figure it out let me know. I don't initiate anymore either because of all the past rejection. I'm just not willing to put myself out there on the chopping block. My wife initiates 1 or 2 times a week so it's not like we don't do it. But I'm no longer interested is being vulnerable to her in any way. Like I said, if you figure out a way for him to get past it let me know.


:iagree:

Ditto everything said here except the part where she initiates.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Gettingit, you are very right in saying he is a "my way or the high way" type of person! 
Just for the record, I would tell him to wake me up for it when he came to bed but he doesn't like to wake me for it normally. He hates being woken up, so doesn't like doing it for others.

Anyways, I kinda snapped last night. I had told him Thursday I wanted a special weekend while the kids were away, we went out for dinner last night but I wanted more. I tried to be suggestive with him, but I think he can be so thick it just goes over his head. So I ended up yelling at him, I didn't mean to yell but I was so upset. He confirmed again it's because of the rejection and I told him that I said I would work on that and not reject him but he never gave me the chance to show him because he never tried again.

When he came to bed, he snuggled into me and tickled my back until I turned over and hugged him. He said he was sorry, I said I was sorry for yelling, not for what I said because I meant that. He gave me a bloody good pounding, doing things I have asked him to do before but he never would. 

We had a good laugh after because of how long he lasted, I asked if he masturbate before coming to bed. Even he was surprised to have worked up a sweat.

I hope this means he has finally listened. I'm sad it came down to me yelling at him, I don't like having to do that but he seems to ignore me when I try to talk about it civil.

Fingers crossed.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

Cleigh said:


> Gettingit, you are very right in saying he is a "my way or the high way" type of person!
> Just for the record, I would tell him to wake me up for it when he came to bed but he doesn't like to wake me for it normally. He hates being woken up, so doesn't like doing it for others.
> 
> Anyways, I kinda snapped last night. I had told him Thursday I wanted a special weekend while the kids were away, we went out for dinner last night but I wanted more. I tried to be suggestive with him, but I think he can be so thick it just goes over his head. So I ended up yelling at him, I didn't mean to yell but I was so upset. He confirmed again it's because of the rejection and I told him that I said I would work on that and not reject him but he never gave me the chance to show him because he never tried again.
> ...


I think it's a very hopeful sign that he was able to make an overture to you in bed (snuggling and tickling your back), and that you responded to that overture, and that you were able to apologize. 

Perhaps you've just been stuffing your feelings too much, and that led to your yelling your honesty at him. Practice being that honest in civil conversation. Try to build on this success. I think that you will need to have some patience with him as he rebuilds his confidence--but he should also acknowledge that you are trying very hard to make a change in your dynamic, and show that he appreciates your efforts. 

Sex always would make my husband and I feel closer, even in the worst years of our marriage. I can remember lying in bed after a good pounding feeling like I could tell him things that I couldn't have imagined telling him just hours before.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Thanks for your kind words. This site, although a bit strange compared to what I'm use to, has been very helpful!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Go on more dates with him. Don't initiate, seduce. Small little things, maybe some almost sheer blouse or undies, innocent actions he can interpret. Get creative with him. 

Snuggle, get close, scratch or massage. Get some good massage lotions. They work in other spots than just the back.

Perhaps get him the book MMSLP.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

Cleigh said:


> I would never do that. That is his only escape, his only form of fun. Like other men who might go golfing or the pub or whatever. That's his.


He desn't have to give it up completely...but maybe one night a week he could have sex rather than sitting in front of a game console. 

If a woman came on here and said she never had sex because her husband golfed 7X a week or went to the pub 7X a week I would also suggest she ask him to make her priority at least one time out of seven.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

I have had same complaint: that my husband would not initiate. I have had to initiate probably 90% of the time and have been rejected numerous times because, according to him, he was tired, bad timing, too busy, didn't feel attractive or sexy at the time, etc. The rejection was painful and caused me to pull back. 

But I have forced myself to have some serious discussions with him concerning how that made me feel undesirable/ unattractive to him. He has tried to reassure me that it wasn't so. It turns out after more discussion that he likes to be pursued and made to feel desired as much as I do. We both need to feel pursued...in my case, I think I need to be handled more urgently, passionately, roughly(?) to get turned on.

Its really very good that you are concerned about it enough to do something about as this early stage in your relationship. I recognize myself a lot in your situation at that stage. Don't give up, have serious conversations to get at the root of the problem without getting hurtful and angry if you can help it. Yours is a much better solution than the estrangement, rejection, hurt feelings that denial can lead to, which is the route I unfortunately choose when problems first arose. In our case, the estrangement led to resentment which led to conflict which led to his adulteries which led to even bigger problems than who initiates!

But we are still together, working on R, talking more, but I so wish I had been as proactive as you, Cleigh, when I was young.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

Well I have this forum to thank for my actions. I have been reading along to a lot of posts, finding out about resentment and the likes. I understand sex is important to men and a lot of women and wanted to nip it in the bud quickly before it went to far.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Cleigh said:


> Thanks for your kind words. This site, although a bit strange compared to what I'm use to, has been very helpful!


Yeah, these are just our opinions. Take them or leave them as you see fit. Utimately, you have to decide and take action, we are only giving suggestions you might not have thought of


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Thats the problem with rejection - for whatever reason.

We men get rejected once to often we tend to shut down because rejection hurts - big time.
Even if you apologise profusely you cannot undo what is already done.

In slightly better days with my wife I can recall sitting with her feeling very horny and really wanting her but not making any move or let her know how I was feeling because I was afraid of being rejected, again. That was the beginning of the slippery slope to a completely sexless marriage, which is where we are now.

This makes it sound as if its all the wifes fault, its not because it takes two to tango.
Women just need to know and accept that sex is VERY important to men, its how we show our love its how we bond. Being rejected hits us hard.
That doesnt mean you have to say yes all the time...all I would ask is that you recognise what sex and rejection means to us.


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## Cleigh (Dec 5, 2013)

I realise what it means. I use to think it's not the most important thing. But I understand it's an important part of a healthy relationship and I will keep at improving things. All good so far!


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