# Won my wife back, still suffering?



## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

My story sort of starts in September 2011, but in many ways a long time before. When I found out the worst, we had just had a very bad argument and she was on her way to a weekend away in another country with her girlfriends, she said she no longer wanted me in response to a similar response from me and I left her by the station, not knowing anything more at this point. I did not mean what I said so was surprised by her response. When I came back home with my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed. 

I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt. 

A sent a lot of emails to her saying everything about our past, my mistakes etc. within a week I kept it cool, we spoke about our past, how much I had hurt her in the past. At this point I must say as I see it, we had not made love much, a few times a year at most, we had become house mates. I had an incredibly stressful job, lost the business and incurred many debts, I was at my lowest ebb. My wife had been on depressants for a very long time and a few months earlier, had gone for private help and she says it was the best thing she ever did, clearly it made her feel better, renewed. She said I should have done more, probably true, but only with hindsight, to me for for many years she was a shadow of what I had fallen in love with, always suffering with depression. I had just become used to it, it affected everything. I know with hindsight I could and should have done more. I think these drugs woke her up. She started a successful business, mine had failed even though it had for the last 12 years given us a great life and a new luxury 7 bedroom home. She was alive again, but I did not see it then, then all the usual, comestic surgery, new clothes, bikini wax etc you know the story.

Within a week of talking she asked me if I wanted to make love, I did, she looked great, for the next few months it was 1 or 2 times per day. Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with the new guy she had met on holiday, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know. She was planning to see him again, but changed her mind at the last minute, she said later because it would hurt me. Many references on MSN messages to my husband is coming, later etc Even my husband and I will live separately, please come I will pay for you ticket etc I could see it all. Eventually I let on I knew, she wondered how. She then went to a solicitor/lawyer I only found out only when the bill arrived. She found out through a friend we both knew, that I planning to date other women, this was not real, never went on any and then we went away for Christmas. We had a week with our daughter and her family and shortly after we returned she said she wanted to make a go of our relationship. I had seen a few weeks ealier a reference to a text sent from anther phone to her boyfriend, probably via a friend and then no further contact, all it said was there was bad news. He tried to contact her, but she blocked him on her face book.

We reconciled, I think the 180 helped and the fact I was willing to date other women changed her. But what I think really happened is the girlfriend she was with had a falling out and I can only guess why as my wife is more beautiful than her and was cramping her style.

So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, but that I deserved it. I am still a mess, unable to get over the past, most of what I read on this forum refers to an affair with one guy, not 5 in two months. Every day it plagues me, a number of times I have spurt it out how much it hurts and all she says is she wants me to delete everything I have as it upsets me, shes also says she did not think it would be easy to get over. Yes it does hurt, so much, when I look again I always see more. She has started recently to be in contact with a girlfriend who was very involved at the time organising the events with the different men, now just lunches, but I have seen texts inviting her to more evening events. I even received a letter from her apologising for encouraging my wife at the time, saying never would do that again, she did it to her husband who had an accident last March 2011, and was incapacitated for life, so sorry to lose me as a friend, we had known each other for 15 years, etc. She also told her sister she would never do that again, she would just leave me. Then presumably do what she wanted.

But our sex life has now gone down to once every few weeks over the last few months, I am still no further ahead in getting back to where I was financially, but much more considerate and we have not argued for over a year. We are on the face of it very good with each other, I do relapse sometimes which upsets her, but mostly we are happy together, communicating, no criticism and cuddling. She still blames me a lot for the loss of our financial status and the restrictions, but has returned to being loving with me.

So this is the point, I got her back (Was it because of the 180, money unable to move out, what her solicitor said, change of heart or argument with her girlfriend stopping her adventures etc?), how do I let this go, should I. I did what I did in the past, I really wanted to make things work with her, so kept trying under impossible circumstances, I am sure most men could not put up with what I saw, not sure how I did, I was on autopilot, but I know I could have done better in the past, she had some good points, I have changed those areas, but it still hurts that she blames me entirely. Did I do the right thing?

So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I'll let someone more patient tell you the full truth but the fact that she says you deserved it shows that she has not repented is not sorry, and may even be underground with more. Until she takes full responsibility and owns it there is no R. You are just rug sweeping which will only open you up to more pain in the near future.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

It seems that she equates your contributions to the marital problems, financial and otherwise, to her affair and, in her mind, she has called it even. She told you that you deserved what you got. She does not appreciate any of your hard work or financial success, but she punished you for your financial failure. Let that be a lesson to you not to screw up financially again, or she will have to punish you again.

She does not seem afraid of you leaving her, she knows she will be fine without you. She doesn't fear at all what effect it will have on your child.

You, on the other hand, seem desparate and terrified of losing her and the effect this will have on your child.

If the roles had been reversed, she never would have put up with what you have. She would have left you in a second.

She believes you're lucky to have her.

What would happen if you told your wife that she can't have contact with anyone who enabled her affairs, like her friend who she has reestablished contact with?

What would happen if you told your wife you wanted her to write a letter of apology to you?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There is not a shred of anything to do with the 180 in your post. You did not do a 180. 

The only reason your wife is with you right now is because you are allowing her to have sex with whomever she pleases and you do nothing about it. You are the babysitter for her, and someone who will screw her if she feels like not bothering to have sex with one of her boyfriends. You probably also do housework and other things for her.

She has you completely cowed.

Nothing is ever going to be resolved until you put a stop to her behaviour.

Read the newbie link in my signature. 

You need to be tested for STD's. You need to kick your wife to the curb. You need to start living life for yourself and not for her. You need to learn why you allow yourself to be treated this way.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> When I came back home with *my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange*, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed.
> 
> I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, *my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties*, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that *my wife was getting divorced*, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and *events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend*, *my wife is very pretty*. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. *I think *she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that *she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details*, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.
> 
> ...


Your wife is empowered because she knows a lot of men want her. She trades on her looks. My guess is that is a big part of your attraction for her and maybe partially why you put up with what you do.

Your wife cheated very easily without any apparent guilt or remorse. I suspect she has been cheating on you all along. Good that she doesn't form an emotional attachment to any of her lovers because it is easier for her to give them up for you. Bad that she doesn't form an emotional attachment with any of her lovers because it is a sign of someone who is badly damaged emotionally and needs constant sexual validation from other men.

When your wife asked if you wanted to resume sex and you started doing it twice a day, that was because your wife was fantasizing about Mr. 26-year-old from the other country who she still was communicating with hot and heavy - he was in another country, she closed her eyes and imagined him having sex with her while she was doing it with you.

You got your wife back because she knows the other guys just want her for sex and you are there for her no matter what, are a good father, and a good man. She saw this over the Christmas holiday. Also, maybe she was hoping that you would start earning a lot of money again, because this apparently is her highest value in regard to you. If you are not financially successful, she seems to have no use for you.

Your wife's friend, although threatened by your wife, now may be realizing that having your wife involved helps to attract more single men.

The lack of remorse or guilt of any kind, her sense of entitlement, the dwindling sex life, the renewed contact with the friend, the talk of more "evening" events (I think this means sex with other men?), your wife's continued measurement of your worth based mainly on your financial status - all are terrible signs. "Cuddling" without sex is a terrible sign.

What is in your wife's head about her daugher? I don't know, but she seems like a terrible mother based on the little bit you've posted in that regard (the argument in the car before her sex holiday, her willingness to engage with multiple other men and discard the marriage so easily).

No one can answer what you are willing to tolerate in a marriage but you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What will prevent this from happening in the future, when she is 49 and starts seeing 39 year old guys?

You my friend are sweeping this under the rug. I know, I can tell, I did it and with in 5 years my wife was at it again.

There a very little consequences you wife had to face. She came back to you cuz she got burned out. Lets face it that kind of life style can be hard....balancing a husband , kid, famliy, friends and mutipul lovers. 

I'm concerned she is just recharging her batteries. She may think, in her mind that hurting was was not worth it, but until she figures her self out and understands these unhealthy behaviors and learns the tools to have healthy emotional behaviors, your wife will relaps.

She still has a lot of work to do on her self and learn to share with you what she is and what she needs. She may no longer be having an affair, but she has not addressed her adultorus behaviors. I think once she adresses her unhealthy behaviors and affair proofs her marriage, then you may beable to move on in healthier marriage together.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> So in a way, I have what I wanted, her back, my child and home, past and future etc But am left with so much pain and concern for the future, it has thrown me and given her a lot of power. I cannot get out of my mind what she did, to her it seems much less or in the past. I think I am coming out of shock. Will time resolve all or will it stay the same, did I do the right thing?


This sensation is extremely common for loyal spouses.

Right after they discover the infidelity, there is a huge burst of adrenaline and a powerful drive to win the cheater back. There's lots of self-recrimination for the things you did wrong and a strong motivation to scramble and return the marriage to where you *thought* it was before.

What frequently happens is that after things settle down, you have the emotions you're experiencing now. In other words, you put a tremendous amount of effort into staying married, but meantime....she isn't really holding up her end of the bargain. In other words, she got a brand new you, but you didn't really get a brand new her.

This always brings back the words of an old song for me, that is, your wife becomes the "prize you had no wish to win." That is pretty typical if one is married to someone who apparently, to this day, says you "deserved" to be cheat on.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

She has no remorse, till this day. It only seems she regrets, somehow, the pain she caused you. And not too much (you deserved it). Given this mindset, entitlement, lack of accepting the resonsability, it seems no soul searching, no self examinatio, self work (IC only gave her the vain tools to make her happy and live to the fullest with no care of the pain she causes) the chances she will repeat in the future are very high.

Sorry man. To me No remorse = No hope.
That's basically why you are still in that place.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

I don't think you "won" your W back. She decided to come back, when, on what terms and with no remorse whatsoever for what she had done (and probably continues to do). You accepted. Now you have "buyers remorse" and well you should.

Don't even think you can ever have a happy life with your W. She has proven herself to be an unfaithful, deceitful, callous person.

So the question you need to answer is, are you willing to continue to live the miserable life that YOU have made for yourself and that only YOU can unmake? If yes, suck it up and learn to deal with your pain. If no, get a divorce and start to build a new, happier existence.

I don't think it's any more complicated than that.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

holy phuc if my wife told me i "deserved it" (even if i did)...i would...i dont even know what i would do. nothing pleasant or constructive, methinks.
im at a loss for words here. sorry im no help.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

coolhandscott said:


> So fast forward, she is still here, 10 months later no evidence of anything wrong, I did check everything, it all stopped, I do not do anymore, except easy stuff, she says she loves me, *but that I deserved it*.


I would have walked out at that point and just said 2 words to her.

FU, ok make that three words I would have added the B word also.
Nobody deserves to be cheated on.

I can easily upgrade to a younger and better model also, why keep a Yugo when I can easily get a Ferrari. That Yugo's been beat to death anyways. The only reason I would keep it around is if it was still reliable and for nostalgia and love. But if it turns to crap, I'm ditching that POS and getting a damn new car.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You haven't won her back. 

I'm shocked both you and her think that her cheating with any guy that catches her eye is in anyway your fault, she is a totally unremorseful cheater.

Your sex life is again down to little to nothing, don't you realize she is still cheating, but she no longer seeing you as someone to worthy have sex with.

She's just gotten better at hiding her cheating.

The fact that you took the blame for her choosing to cheat, and have ask for ZERO consequences for her cheating, not even an appology. Have no doubt reduced her desire and respect for you to zero.

She's got you to baby sit while she is free to continue the lifestyle she's chosen,

My advice: read Married Mans Sex Life by Kay Athol,

Read up on the word Cuckcold

And hire a very good shark lawyer and PI to find who she's seeing now. Likely a married guy who is happy to sleep with her, but doesn't want to leave his wife, perhaps someone from the sex club.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't even know what to say...Why would any man stand such humiliation ? This is one one of the most humiliating stories that I've read on TAM..

OP, what else could your wife do that is much worse than this ? Maybe tie you up and have have sex with guys in front of you.. You will probably not take any advice from her but if there is a chance that you will, separate for 6 months and stay away from this toxic woman... Date other woman and stay single. You are too involved in the toxic situation you are in that you don't realize how bad it is....You still have a chance for a happy life... Don't waste one more minute with this woman...


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

Vagina tingles > anything & anyone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your replies there is a lot to think about with some of the replies. I really appreciate your input.

Just to put somethings in further context I would like to clarify a few things.

1) She had a few months before going on holiday changed her anti depressant drugs, I did not notice at the time. These drugs also help her not feel as a normal person would, it blocks certain emotions. But afterwards she said it gave her clarity for the first time in many years of her life, she had been unhappy with many things. I was critical of her in public, not very loving, not very interested in sex anymore, not very supportive etc. as I said before she was a shadow of the girl I fell in love with. This is clearer with hindsight, but as it happens slowly, you can only see afterwards how unhealthy this had become. When I found out, I had this avalanche of issues raised, she had to use poker parlance been called all in and I either dealt with it or divorce, and I found some of them true, my response was 'chicken or egg'. My needs had not been met either and 90% of the way I was, was a reaction to the way she was, not really my true character. I was really determined to change whatever the outcome for her or someone else. I agree the way she did things are very difficult to forgive, but wanted to put right those things I was responsible for. To me they are two separate things, I must take responsibility for my failures and she must for hers, this is the problem.

2) So I did, change before her eyes. She said later that in her mind she had checked out and thought I would never change, but between September and December I did, she said she was very confused. Her view then was she wanted to separate at first for 6 months, then a few months, a month and in the end not at all. We even got a lodger in to help pay for a flat so she could move out. During this 3.5 months period, she was still going away every weekend to see her girlfriend. I would constantly ask if she was carrying on doing what she had done before, she said no, I could find little to support either way. She said I had turned into the perfect husband, but needed time. I was dubious, but not naive. In a way I had reached the end of my tether and was just looking for one more piece of evidence to pull the trigger. I was very confused, in a lot of pain and really wanted to believe her. But in truth she had said she wanted a separation. I sent her articles on what that meant, what type would it be 1) Healthy - Think about marriage, consider options, no other men 2) Unhealthy - Just be free and sleep with whoever you wanted. The only fly in the ointment was the guy she met on her second trip, she was clearly smitten. But until she left to see him or he came here I kept trying, I knew all about limerance, she was clearly at this stage trying to have her cake and eat it. Presumably none of the other men she had met otherwise had measured up, so probably the fact he was out of harms way was a blessing as it bought us time for her to think about what would happen. Hence her cancellation of another trip in November. My thought was and I devoured everything I could read was simple she had a number of exit affairs, she no longer cared and my change had confused her. She told this to me always during this time.

3) We both work from home, in the last 10 months she hardly goes out at all without me, almost never during the evenings except to see local friends and has not gone to any of the events suggested by her friend. if she goes out during the day, she tells me where is going, usually local for a few hours with friends of our daughters school or shopping with our daughter, who tells me afterwards, not on purpose. I can also verify using a tracking device and it always checks out. Nothing on her phone and nothing on her computer. So I am really sure nothing is happening. However I know many men have come found out after claiming the same that something was happening. I just do not see how it could happen, at this time. My worry is for the future. With her friend they both did what they did for different reasons and her friend realises she lost us both, me forever at least. But my wife says she was her best friend and I am concerned to block her, if whilst I am trying to rebuild our lives they just want to meet for lunch. I can verify where they are. Her girlfriend has said she went mad after her husbands accident, never would do again. He found out anyway. I do not believe her and will never have anything do with her and my wife accepts the blame, of course I want to push the blame onto her girlfriends, but she says it was her and not to blame them. It is probably in between they helped, but it was what she wanted. It is harder of course to do these things alone, holidays, parties etc.

4) Yes, I think this is one of the worst things I have read on this forum, I did what I did. I changed my ways, I did everything she told me about, mostly because I read and read and saw my way was destructive. this was a positive thing if not for her then for the next wife/girlfriend. I know in my heart there will be no second chance, she knows this as well, which puts me on a knife edge. But still I have to deal with the past, hence my post. 

5) Yes the real problem is no remorse and looking at current indicators i.e. lack of interest in sex (I put this down to her not being happy with our financial situation). I will not be fooled again. I should say my wife finds it hard to admit any failings the best way to judge her is via her actions, she finds it difficult to admit failings, unlike me. She is a great mother, our daughter is very happy. My wife says she went mad, she would never do that again, but I am looking for closure, my shock has gone, we are simply left with reality and whilst I can be good easily to her face I am suffering everyday and not sure whether it will go away.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Winning implies getting something of value. Ask yourself what value this situation provides you with.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

I won if that is correct, by changing for myself, and my family a chance for a future. the question if having 'won' is it temporary or for good, after all we have 15 years together and a lovely daughter and home. Can this ever be resolved, was it a one off. If it happens again it would really be simple, no chance, just divorce, she knows that. I think I have to do all I can to save my marriage at a price I can pay, the past is the past. Over a year has gone by, I am still suffering, but we are much closer than we have been for as long as I can remember. In my mind the lines have been drawn.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> but I am looking for closure, my shock has gone, we are simply left with reality and whilst I can be good easily to her face I am suffering everyday and not sure whether it will go away.




You handled her Afairs badly, you rug swept now realises that she didnt had any consequences.
You know she is rewarded with a better husband for her cheating and disrespecting you.

Sit down with her and talk about your hurt and pain and see what she will do to ease that. She dosent seems truly remorseful else she may not have been in contact with her toxic friend.

Get some MC and IC to deal with the A and its effect on your physical and mental health.

Get some professional help for yourself an see what she will do for you. else its going to build more pain and resentments.

If you are not happy or if it is painful to be in a marriage you can walk away with your head held high as you tried everything to save this marriage. If it was some other guy she may not have got a second chance.

Dont be scared to leave her because she is pretty and you are not going to find someone more beautiful, worth of life and happiness is not upon how prettier you wife is but how loving and caring your wife is.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley, ASAP.

Your WW not only needs NC with all her OM.

Your WW needs NC with her toxic friends that enabled and or hide the affair.

Husband and wives are never to have separate vacations.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

Maybe I did (rug sweeping), I was in shock at the time, she gave me a lifeline, CHANGE, I did. It got better as a result, also maybe her experiences outside, showed her what she would really lose, and what was available. That I was not as bad as she thought, I am good looking, good father, attentive, intelligent and romantic when I want to be. Just poor at the moment. This will not last, forever. 

But what happened, happened, as someone else said, perhaps I do have buyers remorse is what she did forgiveable, (In Context), no matter how painful to me. She is not a serial cheater, I think what she did was a burst of emotions. After all the 26 year old guy, could hardly speak English, it was sad to see, he even recently got married, there was no future, in reality. Just sex. I myself have thought about these things, had an emotional affair 8 years ago, could easily have become physical, she wanted to know beforehand if it was really all over, I could not say it was, just was unhappy, she saw through my vague position, I gave up when my child was borne, other girls would not have done the same, I know. These situations are easy to find when you are unhappy, harder to resist. Limerance !

When my child was borne, I never thought again or got myself into any situation to compromise my wife.

I just accepted my lot!


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## remorseful strayer (Nov 13, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> My story sort of starts in September 2011, but in many ways a long time before. When I found out the worst, we had just had a very bad argument and she was on her way to a weekend away in another country with her girlfriends, she said she no longer wanted me in response to a similar response from me and I left her by the station, not knowing anything more at this point. I did not mean what I said so was surprised by her response. When I came back home with my 6 year old daughter who had been in the car during this exchange, my mind started working and something woke up. I had never in all the time we had been together, 15 years, considered that my wife would ever break our vows, just a rough patch. We had been having a very turbulent time after the loss of my business and I had risked a lot of our security on a big payout, which failed.
> 
> I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy. She then started approaching other men on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone. She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club, by her friend, my wife is very pretty. On top of this there were many messages of a sexual nature from many men trying to approach her and messages referring to the night before and how great it was. There were references to various parties that had happened during this time, with these men attending. I was devastated. I phoned my wife as soon as she arrived on holiday, she said initially it was flirting, but when I told her what I knew, she understood, on another call said she could not stomach anything after I told her what I knew, her face book account was closed down, but not before I could see various men trying to contact her and her friend and I had to wait 3 days for her to return. I think she had sex with one of these en before she returned. I picked her up and she said after a few questions from me, that she wanted to separate and did not want to go into details, as she did not want to hurt me. I cried like a baby, I could not have been more hurt.
> 
> ...


As a serially cheater, I can say it seems that your wife may have an impulse control issue like me. 

I started with a prostitute seeing her for years. My wife found out and kicked me out. 

I got her back by convincing her that i would never cheat again. 

But, a woman came on to me very strongly and I couldn't turn her down. 

We had a five year long affair until my wife found out. The other women wanted more and told about the affair. 

I would have had more affairs if other women had wanted me. 

I am not that attractive so women don't typically come on to me aggressively. If i was attractive, like some of my friends who have had numerous affairs, I, too, would be like some of my friend who have had ten or 20 affair partners. Sometimes more than one at a time.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Cool

I have a suggestion for you.

Go see your wifes counselor for therapy and antidepressants that your wife took.

One of 2 things might happen.

A. You feel betterand stronger but realize your wife is a selfish person that loves herself more than your marriage.

You realize you can do better and move on.

B. You feel better and stronger. You come to the realization she is the love of your life.

She has done a horrible thing by cheating on you, your kid and your marriage.

You lay down the law and tell her what you need her todo to make you feel secure in your marriage.

If she agrees then she is worth the long haul.

Stop selling yourself short.

HM64


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

This is a one time deal, no more chances, but thanks for your honesty. I do not want any other women, just my wife. I could easily have many other options, but am out of sync, this is not what I want. I love my wife and child.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

If you change and she doesn't you'll resent her little by little over the years.

You give 100%, she goes on cruise control. If you're changing and the sex is still not happening, I see this marriage failing pretty quickly. But you're so afraid to lose her you'll suck it up and deal with it in your own way.

Did that for a couple of years, won't do it again. Told the wife D was on the table if there is no sex. Unless she has a medical condition, she can put out. If she won't put out then that means she's checked out of the marriage, if that's the case, we can go on our merry way and start over with someone new that will want us or we want them emotionally & physically.

Going to be honest, it wasn't easy and took a couple of months to come to an agreeable compromise. And it's still a work in progress 

I want it at least every day, we're at once a week and if I'm lucky more. But, it was an agreeable compromise, once a week was better than once every month or two and it was basically pity sex back then. I was willing to throw my entire marriage away over sex, yes over sex. If I changed to meet your needs, you better change as well and meet my needs.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

Hey thanks for being so honest, my logic is I cannot force, it happens when it is right, so thinking ahead it is not right. I suppose sex with my wife who is not keen is worth nothing at all, at least to me, So my thinking goes to why? this is where all the interesting bits are. This is the crux of my thoughts, I have no wish to put pressure on my wife, if she does not care neither do I, I think the answer is elsewhere. It also changes a relationship of a few months is different to a few years, there is no more Limerance and also there are differences between men and women. 

I am little stuck I want/need I do care why, but still have basic needs. Sex when wanted is perfect, otherwise it is only an animal need. my wife could at least do the basics, still no joy, I think I am in trouble.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> Hey thanks for being so honest, my logic is I cannot force, it happens when it is right, so thinking ahead it is not right. I suppose sex with my wife who is not keen is worth nothing at all, at least to me, So my thinking goes to why? this is where all the interesting bits are. This is the crux of my thoughts, I have no wish to put pressure on my wife, if she does not care neither do I, I think the answer is elsewhere. It also changes a relationship of a few months is different to a few years, there is no more Limerance and also there are differences between men and women.
> 
> I am little stuck I want/need I do care why, but still have basic needs. Sex when wanted is perfect, otherwise it is only an animal need. my wife could at least do the basics, still no joy, I think I am in trouble.


You are in huge trouble. Your wife has no respect for you. Why would you sleep with someone you don't respect? If you don't toughen up and fix the real issues she will fix them for you, and you won't like her "fix".


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

Ovid said:


> You are in huge trouble. Your wife has no respect for you. Why would you sleep with someone you don't respect? If you don't toughen up and fix the real issues she will fix them for you, and you won't like her "fix".


I think you are right!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

I am very confused. You just said this,



coolhandscott said:


> She is not a serial cheater


But really? isn't this what you typed in your initial post?



> I instinctively hacked into her face book account and all was there to see, it was worse than I could ever have imagined, I was stunned, *firstly I found out she had an affair whilst on holiday with her best friend in July, the messages told it all, some twenties guy.* She then *started approaching other men* on face book, I am 45, my wife wife 39, they were middle twenties, highly sexual in tone.
> 
> *She then booked a flight back to the same location she had gone on holiday* on her company credit card without telling me, just a week after returning from her holiday.. such an idiot I was. Then I saw on her her friends network, that my wife was getting divorced, recommendations for various specialised dating networks appeared *and worst of all membership and events booked for a high class group sex club*, by her friend, my wife is very pretty.
> 
> ...





> Still I installed some software to see what she was up to and sure enough she was in contact with *the new guy she had met on holiday*, he was 26. to cut a long story short, this continued, I could see everything, kept this to myself, but made 'insightful comments' to her I could see her warning her boyfriend and wondering how I could know



How do you define serial cheating? I'm so sorry, I really think you're fooling yourself with that view of this situation.

The mentality of someone who says you "deserved" to be cheated on because of how you were behaving in the marriage is the mentality of someone who is being quite upfront in telling you, they may very well cheat again if the circumstances present themselves. I think you know this. When combined with the fact that she won't have sex with you, yes, it's quite disturbing and it's no wonder you are suffering.

When you were neglecting your wife (as you see it), she had quite a few choices:

--demand marriage counseling

--file for separation or divorce

--ask you to move out, or move out herself

--cheat

But she didn't pick "cheat" as in, find an emotionally available neighbor, ex-BF, or co-worker for a one-on-one affair for EMOTIONAL SUPPORT (not that it would have been any better); no, she chose--per your description--to become what? putting herself out as available for sex with anyone, for free? I don't say that to hurt you--I am just summarizing the essence of what you said she did when she went on her facebook / holiday / emailing sprees.

Here is what I'd ask her. Which marital problems did you think you'd solve by cheating? That's right, none. It was all about HER and meeting HER needs. She didn't give you any choice in the matter at all. 

In fact, what I find really frightening is how she rather calculatedly could have been exposing you to STDs. Do you "deserve" to become very ill, get a chronic disease or cancer, or die because of what she did? Please think about that long and hard.

I continue to be appalled about this whole 'you deserved it' nonsense. I am speaking as someone who contributed at least 70% to 80% of the problems in my own marriage leading up to my husband's long-term emotional affair. I can OWN what I did to the marriage--but the idea that my husband's selfish choice is on me as a result is pure and utter nonsense in Western society. (And we are happily reconciling, by the way.)

I think this issue is a key stumbling block in the two of you reconciling. It's like a cancer, eating at your trust. And it does not express true remorse for making such foolish, selfish choices with life-threatening consequences for you.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I am very confused. You just said this,
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Hi, Thanks for your hard hitting response, I am beginning to feel like packing my bags. I am in purgatory, unsure what to do, but listening to every comment and grateful for those. 

With regards to being a serial cheater I suppose my semantical difference is time frame, this happened over 2 months, probably, all I can prove. Not over many years, she had checked out and in a way was free in her own mind. So 1, 10 or a 100, does it matter, as someone else said she formed bar 1 or 2 no emotional attachments. 

Your other point about 'deserving' is the hard point, at what point does this apply again, not filling the dishwasher, saying something wrong etc. What are the ground rules for this sanction? In a way this is moot as I do not care any more, what the reason might be, the only response will be divorce, no third chance, she knows this.

According to her, we have used a condom throughout our marriage, she could never get on with other options, it was the same with her lovers? Still it is not perfect and I guess I should know for sure, everything else was more important in my eyes, never worried before you said this!

I have written to her expressing my thoughts and concerns till I have said everything, it seems a good way of saying everything as when you speak you may miss something, never a response, but she says she finds it hard to write and thinks I write well?

All I want is an undeniable expression of regret, but nothing from her, is it the drugs, her character, treading water or just that she does not see it that way? I think the lack of sex is a prelude to further problems, I can see in advance now. I do not push any more, hence the post on this forum, I am looking for answers. Yes to reply to your option list, if she she had at some point said I want to separate, I would have changed just the same. I so love my wife and family, but the emotional baggage of what she did is unbearable, that I had no choice in is holding me back and causing me so much pain everyday.

We have a daughter who I love so much and deserves a father, so I also owe it to her to try but not any cost!


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## spudster (Jan 11, 2012)

CHS, I have read this thread and I can understand why your cheating wife has no respect for you, and it has nothing top do with your money problems and all the other day to day stuff. 

She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Period. A lack of self respect and self esteem literally oozes from every sentence you write, every effort you make to excuse your wife's immoral choices and reckless decisions. 

You need to ask her to leave...for a long time, so that you can have room to breath without her toxic presence in your life and so that you can take stock of yourself and figure out where all this self-loathing stems from. 

You need intensive counseling, as does about three-quarters of your male countrymen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> According to her, we have used a condom throughout our marriage, she could never get on with other options, it was the same with her lovers? Still it is not perfect and I guess I should know for sure, everything else was more important in my eyes, never worried before you said this!


I truly do not want to hurt you in any way with what I'm saying. I understand that you want to save your marriage, but it takes two people in order to do that. She has to hold up her end of the bargain, and part of that is getting over this idea that cheating is an option when you've sworn someone to forsake all others, through whatever challenges you face, for life. Otherwise--why take vows? Otherwise, why does divorce exist?

I am very sorry to tell you that affair sex is rarely protected. This is how it works; in order to actually use a condom, you have to buy one. You have to plan ahead. And if you plan ahead, that strongly suggests methodical thinking about when, and how you are going to have sex. But the consequences of affair sex are rarely thought out--these tend to be much more spontaneous acts that give your brain some plausible deniability ("it just happened!"). That is very inconsistent with buying and properly using birthcontrol.

Condoms do fail--they have a low failure rate, but they do. So even if you're 100% sure she always correctly used birthcontrol (including for blowjobs?), I'd get tested for STDs. It's just not worth worrying about. And while you're at it, you need to inform her that she must get tested as well.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

spudster said:


> CHS, I have read this thread and I can understand why your cheating wife has no respect for you, and it has nothing top do with your money problems and all the other day to day stuff.
> 
> She doesn't respect you because you don't respect yourself. Period. A lack of self respect and self esteem literally oozes from every sentence you write, every effort you make to excuse your wife's immoral choices and reckless decisions.
> 
> ...


Tough stuff.

I try to rationalise everything, but I am not at all trying to excuse my wife, I was trying to understand why it happened, based on what I was told. We were married for 15 years not 10 minutes, it did go downhill, but slowly, I accepted her depression, but did little to help, and there were areas I needed to improve irrespective of her actions, for her or another. I changed all of that, so she has nothing much to complain about now, but my problem is what she did was so bad, even a year afterwards it bothers me so much. It is not resolved in my mind. I could now make demands as I could of done then, I could leave her etc. But we are now much better than we were, we have a daughter and a home. If anything happened again, I would not hesitate, I did what I did on instinct. If she had gone to see her boyfriend that would have been it, but she was confused and did not, she broke off all contact without me saying she should. I either do as I have done give her a second chance or act as you suggest well after the event.

My problem is reconciling the past, a long time after what happened with no evidence anything is happening now. I do feel that I gave too much, but that is the past. We are here now and I am still in pain, so there are unresolved issues.

In a way it would be a relief to find out something again as my path would be clear, but there is nothing. It seems like a phase, perhaps a watershed in our relationship, as it got better from then onwards. Still you are right I am unhappy, with my 'acceptance' and situation, I want to be an equal partner and this will forever be over us, unless she gives me more to work with. I cannot force it out of her, she has to do so willingly. I never betrayed our vows, but sometimes feel I have a free pass now, not seriously, but in my anger. What would it solve, nothing!


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

You keep making excuses for her behaviour. You didn't deserve the treatment you got. And sometimes you CAN'T reconcile the past.

Sometimes a persons just hurts you too much (and in your wifes case - too many times and involved too many other people...sex clubs? For real?) for you to forgive.

This is one of the more severe cheating cases on TAM and that's saying a lot. 

I wish you luck.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

coolhandscott said:


> I won if that is correct, by changing for myself, and my family a chance for a future. the question if having 'won' is it temporary or for good, after all we have 15 years together and a lovely daughter and home. Can this ever be resolved, was it a one off. If it happens again it would really be simple, no chance, just divorce, she knows that. I think I have to do all I can to save my marriage at a price I can pay, the past is the past. Over a year has gone by, I am still suffering, but we are much closer than we have been for as long as I can remember. In my mind the lines have been drawn.


Scott you are still suffering because issues really havent been dealt with the affairs were just glanced over, your feelings emotions etc as well as hers have not really been addressed i would suggest IC for both of yall as well as mc for the marriage if this is the path that you choose. You really havent won anything except more misery in my opinion


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Scott mate, you are taking a well worn and trodden path. You are also doing what I did - scrambling, but it's not really for the 'marriage', it's for security. To keep some of the carpet under your feet until you slowly get your head around the issues.
I have no doubt that you will change for the better, but I also have no doubt that she won't change a thing about herself.
She is secretly looking down on you with contempt and is sitting easy holding you to blame for her actions. And believe me, in her mind, you really are to blame, such is the immature level of accountablility found in most cheaters.
The problem, I feel, is that you are dependent on her, she has probably belittled you and sunk her hook so deep inside of you that the idea of being without her is unbearable and confusing.
Use the time together to try and watch her onjectively and time how long it is before she falls back into her old behaviours. Another bout of cheating will soon follow.

I know this mate, because I've been there myself. This is right from the horses mouth and the salvage is totally false. After a short while you will feel in your chest that the marriage is still not right somehow.

I wish you the best, but prepare for the worst. We may say we told you so, but we'll still be here for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She went to a group sex club with her friend.
There is no way the friend can stay in her life.
She hooked up a young stud on vacation. Let me guess Spain? Get std tested, he met a loco kid who specializes in hooking up with married women on vacations with their cheating friends. No condoms were uses.
Do you really want to stay with someone as used as her during her multimonth shagfest?

You can do so much better. Learn to get angry and not accept the blame from her for her horrible nasty choices.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Coolhandscott, I’ll make the following advice based on the idea that you have, for whatever reason, decided to reconcile. Mine is also one of the bad stories: 6 OM, 1 OW, sexless marriage, demeaning, etc. Yet we are in reconciliation about 3-1/2 years post DD.

First things first. You need to work quite hard on yourself. Look in that mirror and ask yourself what YOU stand for. Ask yourself if you are who you want to be, or are you just what you think your wife would accept and love? You won’t survive well if you are being someone you’re not; There will always be that inner-turmoil and depression about your life if it isn’t what you want it to be. Based on your story so far, you “niced” her back into the marriage by fixing your side of the issues. That is a start, but has she worked on herself beyond superficial boundaries like no more solo trips and toxic friends? She’s got to face her own demons on how her moral fiber could be bent and lowered enough that she could be ‘that kind of woman’. She still seems “entitled”... Because of that, I’d also suggest you start detaching and learning how to rely on yourself only for all your needs. She is simply allowed to be by your side on your journey.

You work on this until you hit that point where you will be confident that life without her isn’t something to be feared. That is a powerful thing in you. When you know you don’t “need” her, it is easy to make decisions without fear of ramifications or outcomes. She needs to add to your life, not be your security blanket isolating you from your fears of “out there”.

Can you forgive? I don’t know. I haven’t and doubt I’ll ever reach that. What I see forgiveness is, is the highest level of acceptance. That means it no longer effects my thoughts, perceptions, or decisions as it relates to her and the marriage. Since I don’t have that, I work on increasing my level of acceptance. It starts simply with accepting that this happened and goes up from there. As my wife works on herself, it is easier to believe and accept those changes are no longer a threat and my perspective of her changes ever so slightly. It really is a very long slow process. I also believe and accept that my wife has certain damages that might not ever be resolved. I needed to decide if those were deal-breakers or if I could cope with them. Things change as she works on herself, so my perception of her changes right along with it as do my coping tools.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You fought for your marriage because you felt it was the right thing for you to do, it was politically correct and expected. You were in a competition against her fantasy life and no one likes to lose. You fought and you won!! Or did you?

Now that the battle is over and you look back, there are thoughts that are creeping in. Was it worth it? Did you really want her back after all the crap she did? Can you ever trust her again?

Sometimes you win the battle and lose the war. Now you don't feel right because you know you can not be happy with her after what she.

It is not uncommon for a BS to attempt R because of all the "reasons" you listed. But it is also not uncommon for R to fail because the BS just can not get over the PAs, the lies, and the deception. After the feeling that you have "won" comes the feeling of "why was I fighting to save something that I really did not want?".

YOU are the one who needs a vacation away from her to figure what you want to do.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

TDSC nailed it.... I did the same thing. I “niced” my wife back into the fold. When I “won”, it felt hollow. Really all I accomplished was splitting up her and her boyfriends. I still had a nasty wife by my side. And, as you’ll come to find out, it gets harder to leave. It would have been so much easier while her affairs were going on and she was so foggy... But now that she values the marriage and me again? I’m getting more than what I had before, but it’s now with this adulterous vicious person I could once believe was just ‘going through some stuff’ that would pass. I can’t sell myself those lies anymore. It’s worse in a lot of ways because that stuff in the “pros” column for staying grows, but the adultery is still a major, major affront to who she is. Carlton in another thread summed it up; You feel disgusted by their presence. I felt this even after “winning”. So, you need to sort out why and whether she can even change that.

That’s also why it is critical you work on you and figure out what you want out of life and where you stand. The second year is the hardest. This is when you start dissecting yourself and your spouse and who you are. Will she still be someone you want when you are done? No one has that answer and you’ll have to sort that out. Wish there was an easy path for you, but there isn’t.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> You fought for your marriage because you felt it was the right thing for you to do, it was politically correct and expected. You were in a competition against her fantasy life and no one likes to lose. You fought and you won!! Or did you?
> 
> Now that the battle is over and you look back, there are thoughts that are creeping in. Was it worth it? Did you really want her back after all the crap she did? Can you ever trust her again?
> 
> ...


Agrees with it only with a "insignificant" detail: The reasons he decided to R doesn't matter if your wife put her share. She didn't. As Racer and others said you still have the same entitled, unrepetant WW. Yes, as she never changed the train of thoughs wich made her go to that path she's still a wayward. The only acomplishment is she's not (ar you sure about it?) actively cheating anymore.

Had she put the work in herself the results would be different no matter the original reasons you decide to "win" her back.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Cool Hand Scott, I'm surprised that you took that moniker. You see, Cool Hand Luke is probably my all-time favorite Paul Newman movie and I can't imagine his character behaving the way you are behaving after what your wife has done to you.

WHAT WE HAVE HEAH IS A FAILYA TO COMMUNICATE!!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This "win" is like having a guy beat the crap out of you, then getting up and saying "I won that fight! Did you see how sore I made his knuckles?!"


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## Simon Phoenix (Aug 9, 2010)

If he calls that 'winning', I would hate to see what losing is. Let me get this straight; she had multiple affairs on you on the account of you losing your business? Is there anything else I'm missing here?

Lets make one thing crystal clear; there is absolutely NO justification for cheating on your spouse. Whether it be $$$ issues, lack of communication, lack of attention, or whatever else, those things never gives one clearance to get busy with someone outside the marriage. The fact that she said that you deserved it should've told the story.

Ask yourself this; do you think that you deserved what your wife gave you? You think you deserve to continue living in a situation like this. Just swim this thought in your head for a second; every time you find yourself having to beg for some, you have to know that those other guys used much less effort to get the same thing from her. And even when she's willing, you have to know that she's thinking of those younger guys she was banging. It's this the kind of marriage you think you deserve to be a part of?

I can't answer those questions for you but, well, the choice is yours. More of the same, while hoping that she's not scheming on some more action behind your back (because, after all, you just won't leave) or a new beginning. You choose...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Racer said:


> That’s also why it is critical you work on you and figure out what you want out of life and where you stand. The second year is the hardest. This is when you start dissecting yourself and your spouse and who you are. Will she still be someone you want when you are done? No one has that answer and you’ll have to sort that out. Wish there was an easy path for you, but there isn’t.


Racer and TDSC, those were powerfull posts to me - bullseye.

Improving your self, gaining confidence, distancing yourself a bit from your cheating spouse, and you will suddenly have a different view, see for what she actually is. And then comes the time to decide for your self, what do you want from life.

It's exactly where I am today.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Racer said:


> TDSC nailed it.... I did the same thing. I “niced” my wife back into the fold. When I “won”, it felt hollow. *Really all I accomplished was splitting up her and her boyfriends*. I still had a nasty wife by my side. And, as you’ll come to find out, it gets harder to leave. * It would have been so much easier while her affairs were going on and she was so foggy*... But now that she values the marriage and me again? I’m getting more than what I had before, but it’s now with this adulterous vicious person I could once believe was just ‘going through some stuff’ that would pass. I can’t sell myself those lies anymore. It’s worse in a lot of ways because that stuff in the “pros” column for staying grows, but the adultery is still a major, major affront to who she is. Carlton in another thread summed it up; You feel disgusted by their presence. I felt this even after “winning”. So, you need to sort out why and whether she can even change that.
> 
> *That’s also why it is critical you work on you and figure out what you want out of life and where you stand.* The second year is the hardest. This is when you start dissecting yourself and your spouse and who you are. Will she still be someone you want when you are done? No one has that answer and you’ll have to sort that out. Wish there was an easy path for you, but there isn’t.


excellent. this is EXACTLY where i am at times. and also where i am at now. not in the second year, but about halfway through the first one from the first (but not the last) DD.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

I found out my ex was having multiple affairs. I did the same thing initially. Begging, pleading, trying to nice her back to me. But it didn't work and thank God it didn't. The last thing she said to me when we signed the papers was if I were more of a man she wouldn't have cheated. Losing her was the best thing that ever happened to me. I now have a great wife and family. And my ex has hit the wall and it fell on her. She is still going through men like a knife through butter. Its taken its toll.

Friend, you don't have a marriage, you have a slave relationship built upon fear and codependency. You need help.


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## coolhandscott (Nov 9, 2012)

I am a little overwhelmed by the support I have found on this forum, as you might expect it takes sometime to process. I am sitting back and examining. Clearly part of my logic is that I do not not really know my wife any more and looking for evidence either way. I have none on one side on the other hand she is more loving, I have my child to think about (If it can work I also owe it to her to try) and lastly how it would affect me. 

There are lots of books on how to deal with this, I have read many, I worked relentlessly on my side of the problem, I have improved except the money side. It is hard to go from what I did have monetarily to now, it can be improved, but not as yet. I have a lot of difficult remarks to deal with as my wife is not happy with her lot, me also, but much more accepting. I will keep trying. But I am examining her with another view, but think I still love her. Since she has become very distant with lovemaking and I know this is not a good sign, I am very vigilant, still nothing. Her life is no worse than most of her friends, same old thing, a holiday, pay the bills, cinema and a meal, look after kid etc. but she has it in her mind she wants more. I cannot at the moment, I do not care any more if she approaches me for love, it is too little, too late after my previous letters to her and it is only when it suits her, we however function much better than we did on most levels, my spirit feels broken so what is the point.

I am taken back by the forums comments, it is over a year now, but seems like yesterday, i thought I had done the right thing, I have written many times to her, to explain my thoughts, my pain etc Perhaps I did rug sweep my only concentration was on what she told were her reasons, and how to put right, but now I have distance from DD. I see things a bit more clearly, the enormity of what she did, and her constant wish to change her life, these in themselves are not bad, want move to Spain, Miami, Central London, but are beyond our means at the moment, so another form of fantasy at least with me. I feel stuck, with someone who wants to blame me, not always work with me. Even when she was having her multiple affairs she told everyone I will stay with him until he is back on his feet, it preys heavily on my mind, that there is no light at the end of the tunnel anyway with her, she could thinking she now, just less vocally. She could be nice to me one moment and then I would see later that a few minutes later she was n contact with her boyfriend. Every time I went out for a while, telephone records and other would tell the real story. I so want to trust her now, but I do not. I think the real problem is lack of resolution, if it suited her she could start again tonight, there is no apology, explanation beyond what she told me were my faults, other than she burst and went crazy. She does not to anyone like to apologize, so is not unusual in that regard. It is me however who suffers, my confidence is shot to pieces. I am now withdrawing to think my life through, whilst maintaining all my duties. I have in a way failed my family, but what I got was not fair to anyone, as many will understand. I have to rise above it now and then understand what I want to do, in the meantime it will be hell.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Let me point out one thing:
If you take care of your kids an are there for them and keep them safe, fed, clothed, and sheltered...you have NOT, in ANY WAY, "failed your family"!
I used to think that way when i found out about my wifes running around and carrying on, that somehow i had "failed" her, and my daughter, that somehow i was lacking something. 
Now, having said that, i was NOT a good husband and certainly laid the stage for her affair. But it was HER fault. She failed ME. 
We were just talking about it last night, as i have FINALLY gotten her to open up about it a little. 
And seeing the hurt that i caused her earlier in our marriage that gave her the excuse to check out...man it was heart breaking for me. 
But in no way do i accept responsibility for her decision, and in no way have i ever let my daughter be in need due to my shortcomings in my marriage. 
The sooner you come to that realization, the sooner you can get yourself back on track.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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