# Wife want another man, been contacting old BF, I want divorce



## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

My wife and I have beed married for 20 years. I have found that she has maintained contact with an old boyfriend virtually the entire time, off and on, claiming he was a friend.

When I play along and let her talk about this she seems to glow when she talks about him. We have fought about this a few times and she seems to still go back to contacting him. 

As a test I asked her if she would have sex with another man. Not only did she say yes, she was excited. Now, don't call me crazy for asking, but rather trust me on this and why I asked, it's because I know her and how she thinks. 

There is a lot more that I could include but people would likely not read all the details so I am being as brief as possible and still get my question/point across. 

As for myself, I have treated her well. I would say I am nice but can be an ass at times. I am not a wimp but have made her feel sexy, valued, and appreciated for the first time in her life. I am probably more decent than nice. 

At this stage I have almost decided to divorce her. In light of this I made the comment to her about having sex with another man, basically as a test, myself having basically vacated the marriage anyway. 

As some that has been through this can say, there are always second thoughts and the desire to seek advise and opinions. 

Given what I have described, would you consider the marriage over? That is taking into account the facts as I describe and not my feeling that it is over. Would it be normal for a married woman to be so excited about having sex with another man? Especially given her past. Is the s!ut fantasy something woman have? If so, why would a woman with such bad experiences seek this again? 

Thank you for reading and thank you in advance for your input.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She is who she is. Trust your gut.


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## OOE (Mar 17, 2011)

To me, the 20-year continued contact with an XBF coupled with the thoughts that you're "too good for her," sounds like a big ol' guilty red flag.

Time to start some serious digging, at a minimum. Keylogger + VAR's.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What have you done, if anything, to collect evidence of an affair? All I see is you talking about her thoughts and what she says. Did you ask her if she wants a divorce? Maybe she does.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

HerToo said:


> What have you done, if anything, to collect evidence of an affair? All I see is you talking about her thoughts and what she says. Did you ask her if she wants a divorce? Maybe she does.


This is an issue. She does not want a divorce, she is set against it, and will not make it easy. 

The only evidence I have is email but nothing that she actually met in person.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Do you want a divorce? Or are you just mad at her behavior?

What do you want? Answer that question, and the options will become clear.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I think if the roles had been reversed she would never have been as accepting as you have been. She sounds very disrespectful in her behavior to you and your relationship. She is clearly toxic to your self-esteem as well. Her actions show that she has very little respect for you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? It also sounds like if she could hook another man that meets her requirements then she would drop you in a heartbeat. Don't waste your life on someone like this. You can do better my friend.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Im curious, what do you want? How can we help?

Sounds like you have made a decision that you are done and you want out. Are you looking for validation that your decision has merits? Based on your wife's desire to be treated like a wh0re, and used by other men, It obviously does. 

Kinda hard to figure out what you want to hear. Whatever your feelings are, they are absolutely valid. 

Only you know for sure if you want to fight for this marriage. It sounds like a massive overhaul would be needed. If she hasn't already (my bet), it's likely she will act on these desires very soon. It's just a tiny sample size but what you describe leads me to think that your wife has some deep seeded issues, and something is broken in there. If you want to save this marraige, bringing them into the light and addressing them through therapy would be my recommendation. That will be a incredible amount of work and it doesnt sound like your on board for that ride?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so far you know she is willing to cross a boundary that you've explicitly said you don't want crossed (staying in contact with an ex), you also know you aren't comfortable with your wife's desires to be with other men. Well that's enough to want out and make arrangements to do as such, but the real question is would you be willing to R if she went NC with her ex and expressed remorse with it and changed? If you answer yes to this then you ultimately need to know if contact was more than just friendship and if it went EA or PA. Thus if you answer yes to that question above I think you should spy first to see if you can uncover anything and go from there.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Thanks for the responses.

On some level I am probably looking for validation that I am not wrong. Inside I probably know the answer--that I am not wrong in wanting out.

The puzzling part that makes me question this is her attitude. She does not want a divorce, breaks down and cries at the thought, and seems confident things car work out. Says she will never let me go. She seems clearly committed to making the marriage work and states I am the best she has ever had. Based upon our conversations over the years, I would give this comment some merit. Still, my gut tells me different. 

There is no doubt she live in some alternate reality/fantasy and is screwed up. This concerns me.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Has she ever gone to counseling, or will she? Sounds like a big self esteem / depression thing to me. The "Please love me, and it's okay to use me too" thoughts.

And if she does go, do you want to hang around and see what happens?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

when she gets upset at you mentioning divorce does she state she end contact with the ex or is she just trying to rugsweep it?


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> when she gets upset at you mentioning divorce does she state she end contact with the ex or is she just trying to rugsweep it?


She stated that she stopped contact and will never contact him again. But I don't trust her.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Is she completely transparent with her phone, logins, everything?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Dave,

Before you can do anything and before you decide where to go from here, you have to know where you are.

In most (almost all) cases if your gut is screaming at you, and you instinctively have confusion, trust issues and a nagging you can't put your finger on... there is something more going on. 

You have to hit the pause button and find your bearings. You need to get keyloggers installed on your CPU's, phone monitoring software and VAR's in place. Monitor them, then apply some real pressure and see what your nets catch. Something isn't right.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Is she completely transparent with her phone, logins, everything?


No, she is not.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Sounds like a deal breaker to me.

Anyone else here agree?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> She stated that she stopped contact and will never contact him again. But I don't trust her.


well, it really is dependent upon whether or not you wish to R if she truly changes.

if you do, then start verifying with a keylogger and phone records and also see if she has been telling the truth as to the extent of the affair. 

if you don't then it's up to you whether or not you wish to find the truth for your sense of curiosity


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> No, she is not. She seemed real concerned that I could recover deleted email messages (I was doing this for work purposes). She brought it up a few times asking how I could do that. A couple of weeks later she said she was thinking about it and still wondered how I was able to recover the emails. Because of her intense curiosity about this, I thought she was surely guilty of something.


yeah big old red flags


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> No, she is not. She seemed real concerned that I could recover deleted email messages (I was doing this for work purposes). She brought it up a few times asking how I could do that. A couple of weeks later she said she was thinking about it and still wondered how I was able to recover the emails. Because of her intense curiosity about this, I thought she was surely guilty of something.


Why haven't you checked her old emails texts etc? It would be a shame to divorce because of false assumptions. However, if you could hand her proof that she is indeed a s!ut, it might make the divorce easier.

Do you know how to get old texts etc. from her phone?


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

She has moved all of her email activity to work and she rarely touches our home computer for anything. I think her concern about my ability to get old email caused her to do a huge cleanup and is probably using a different account all together if anything is still happening.

I think it is safe to say trust is gone.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What was the context of you asking her if she would have sex with other men?


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Why haven't you checked her old emails texts etc? It would be a shame to divorce because of false assumptions. However, if you could hand her proof that she is indeed a s!ut, it might make the divorce easier.
> 
> Do you know how to get old texts etc. from her phone?


No, I do not know how to get old text messages from her phone. Buy all text messages have been to/from people I know (family, work).


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

The very act of hiding texts in these circumstances is a proof.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What's a relationship without any trust? 

As a cheater, I gave up the ability for my wife to ever trust me 100%. But at least there is some trust left that is supported by complete transparency. But she can change her mind at any time


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> What's a relationship without any trust?
> 
> As a cheater, I gave up the ability for my wife to ever trust me 100%. But at least there is some trust left that is supported by complete transparency. But she can change her mind at any time


:iagree:

Trust, more than even love, is what makes a marriage viable.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

chapparal said:


> What was the context of you asking her if she would have sex with other men?


We were talking about fantasies. Mine involved us. I brought up the other man, asking if she would like me and another man. She was all for it...lit up like a Christmas tree. This almost killed me...not the answer I was hoping for but the answer I did expect to get.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> No, I do not know how to get old text messages from her phone. Buy all text messages have been to/from people I know (family, work).


What kind of phone does she have?


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## Dexter Morgan (Dec 8, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> Given what I have described, would you consider the marriage over


It would be for me, and given the situation, I'd ask her to be the one to find another place to live. If she had any decency, she would at least honor that request.


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

chapparal said:


> What kind of phone does she have?


It is an HTC smartphone and is on the same plan as mine. I think she is using email and only at work. It would be too easy for me to track the phone. I already have and the activity is legitimate.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

> Later I brought up the other man, asking if she would like me and another man. She was all for it...lit up like a Christmas tree. This almost killed me...not the answer I was hoping for but the answer I did expect to get.


Why not say "I can put steel toed army boots on your feet, and you can kick me in the nut sack"?

Why are you offering take a sex fantasy to reality, and then asking yourself "What the hell?". You did this to yourself.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Your thread title says it all.
She cheated and you want a divorce.

Problem solved.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> It is an HTC smartphone and is on the same plan as mine. I think she is using email and only at work. It would be too easy for me to track the phone. I already have and the activity is legitimate.



consider she may have texted a friend about her affair


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## TooNiceDave (Dec 19, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Why not say "I can put steel toed army boots on your feet, and you can kick me in the nut sack"?
> 
> Why are you offering take a sex fantasy to reality, and then asking yourself "What the hell?". You did this to yourself.


I agree with you. However, thinking the marriage is over (knowing? it is over) I guess I needed confirmation of my thinking. I appreciate your comment and see your point. For some reason I have been looking for confirmation one way or the other. Some of us do need to be kicked in the head before we get it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

TooNiceDave said:


> We were talking about fantasies. Mine involved us. She started with the s!ut thing...said being used for HIS enjoyment. I said I can make that happen for you. She looked the other direction, away from me, basically declining without words. Later I brought up the other man, asking if she would like me and another man. She was all for it...lit up like a Christmas tree. This almost killed me...not the answer I was hoping for but the answer I did expect to get.


Sounds like she was hopeful you'd give her permission to cheat, and that way she be absolved of guilt about what she already had done or is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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