# It's A Complicated Situation



## lucy mulholland

Hi,

Like many, I've been moved to join a forum here because I am at my wit's end. 

My husband and I have been married 3.5 years, and together for 7 years. We have a four year old daughter. We have been officially separated for six months, and though I was the one who moved out, out of exasperation, in the last two months I have begun to cultivate a love that is buried within me for him. I told him I wanted to try again, and that I still love him, and he said he does too. The roller coaster began there, because although I think we both expressed genuine love, there is so much to work through still. 

We are sharing the same house now. We have been intimate and have also argued terribly. He seems to think that in "coming back," that I am willing to be whatever he wants me to be, and that he doesn't have to change. He has been very helpful, friendly, and "together-like", but when we try to talk about anything beyond the superficial, he ends up invariably exploding with "I don't know about all of this." There are so many buttons that get pushed, and I see that he has so many unresolved (and even buried) issues around trust, anger, and empathy. I am willing to work on everything, and change my behaviour to a certain extent, but I don't want to become a doormat. There are valid concerns I have, which is why I left in the first place (as we called it then, a "trial separation"), and I truly believe that we can work things out if we are both willing.

He is definitely not sure, and now wants to go back to being separated, while sharing the same house because he can't afford to move out. I now think giving him space is the right thing (in the initial rush of being back "together", we did a lot of dreaming and planning about the future) - but it is very difficult for me to share the house on friendly terms when everything is in limbo, and friendly is definitely what's needed. He's not even able to consistently say that he wants to work on things with me - he'll say it, and then take it back a few days later.

I'm quite convinced that he has some real healing to do - and I want him to trust me enough to go through it with me. We both have a lot of healing to do.

Any thoughts on how to share living space without making things worse...on how to be patient while your partner takes time (without getting jealous, etc.)...how to gently encourage your partner to look within and understand why they can't express emotion, or handle your own emotions?

We have had a rocky go of things from the start; apart from the first four or five months, we have been plagued by some really difficult issues. My mom died early on (in the first three months), and we moved away from family to start a new life together. My grief in the first year was always just below the surface, and we were perhaps too young to look for counselling. The pattern we now have, in which he recoils from any negative emotion I display (usually just a bit of a bad mood now and then, but sometimes real grief, especially about our relationship), started in these early days. 

He is also a bit of a workaholic, has a very addictive personality (to drugs, alcohol, though he uses neither now), and is so stressed about money that he never wants to plan any trips with me - especially if the trip is my idea.

For my part, I am inclined to be moody, and I love to travel. Great match , no?

We are both working, juggling care for our daughter, and share so many values that it breaks my heart to think that he would throw it all away. I know it's not really conscious, and that he is pushing me away because he doesn't want to deal with some of his issues - he would prefer a life of no conflict or challenge. 

Is it hopeless for me to keep hanging in there? In my heart I know the answer is no, but does anyone have words of advice out there?

Thanks for making it through this rant. It feels good to get it out.


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## lastinline

It's never hopeless to keep hanging in there Lucy. I know it can be hard, but it's always worth the effort. I am in the process of suggesting a "trade" with my wife. No this has nothing to do with swapping spouses, but everything to do with making one important change for them while they make one important change for me.

The problem I've noted in relationships is that once our feelings have been really hurt; we seem to become unwilling to change even the things we know we ought to change. That's where the "trade" comes in. It's sort of a prisoner exchange to help thaw the hostilities. Hopefully subsequent changes will become easier, and even will be given freely without "trade". 

Every journey begins with a step. I know you love your husband or you wouldn't be writing here. Ask him the one thing he like you to change and then do it without comment, graciously, and willingly. Good luck Lucy.

LIL


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## lucy mulholland

Thanks LIL. Thinking about it, I have actually tried this. I know that he hates it when I swear when we argue, and thought I've tried to tell him it's how I express my frustration, he takes it really personally. I'd love to be able to argue a bit, call each other names, apologize and get on with things. Trouble is, if I call him a jerk he things it's emotional abuse and won't let it go. So, I agreed to not swear or call names. What did he agree to? I don't remember. It feels like nothing. Perhaps I asked if he would stop saying "I don't think I can be in this relationship" every time something little came up that he's uncomfortable with (ie. me swearing, or wanting to "talk") - how can we work on things if he's always bringing the whole relationship into question?

He wants "space", but he won't move out. I've already taken space and moved out at huge personal expense, and I think it's his turn.

What gets me most is that I start to think he's just bluffing on all the nice gestures and saying that he cares and wants to try, just to avoid conflict. Then is conflict comes up, he reverts back to "I don't know if I want to be in this relationship."

Our lives as a couple and as a family could be so good, and it just kills me that he is dragging his feet, wondering if it's "for him".

Anyway, thank you LIL for your vote of confidence.


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## 2Blessings

Well Im new here and need some helpful advice as well. As I was reading your situation as well as a few others I'm glad to say that I don't feel alone. I can relate a little here and there with you and some others too. I've never done this before but am curious to hear the advice. I've been married for 16yrs. and together for 19yrs. I've known him since I was 14 we were high school sweethearts. We were married for about 7 yrs than we had my son, 2 yrs later my daughter came. During the 2 yrs. before my daughter was born I noticed some changes in him and the "going out of town for business" quite often was happening but didn't put anything together. My daughter came and the issues grew. 

I couldnt figure it out or at least I didn't want to ask him if he was wanting a divorce, his answer was yes. I fought it for a long time and than just gave in we had the papers written up all we needed was a notary stamp well that was 6 yrs ago we never filed it. But within the 6yrs. we still had problems involving, money & spending, lack of attention or sex, trust issues, lack of communication, spending time together, constant lies and sneaking on his cell phone, computer you name it. 

Well needless to say I know neither one of us were saints still to this day I don't have any hard cold facts just assumptions, names, phone numbers pictures i've seen but no straight forward answers. 

Don't get me wrong my husband is a good man, a great father, a good provider he pays all of our bills and still helps me out when needed. I think he just wants to be needed and wanted more by me. He's been asking me for years for more time with him, my job requires funny hours and I'm always there and not at home for dinner and bed time. So for a few months now we have been "seperated" we were living in the same house up until 2 months ago. I asked him to leave he didn't want to join me in counseling so i stopped going and we were on a constant roller coaster and nothing seemed to change on both our parts and it wasn't getting any better. I told him that i wasn't in love with him anymore and that he needs to let me go. Well for you men out there I'm sure you can imagine how he felt when he heard those words. Well he is now seeing a counselor and we are trying to be friends because it was ugly before he left and the kids felt our frustrations. The kids don't like us living apart and the back and forth with the living arrangements. So he is obviously not happy where he's staying and I did ask him to come back only because I thought we were gonna try and work things out but now I'm just plain confused. We had sex on many occasions and now I think its just confusing us. He won't come back unless he sees certain changes on my end and he's afraid that I will tell him that I don't love him anymore and that I want out of our marriage if and when things become hard for us.

So now i'm impatient, confused, angry and basically telling him that I don't think I can live like this anymore; feeling lonely and frustrated and in LIMBO!! I don't know what to do anymore I'm trying to be strong and hang in there. I know he loves me, he compliments me everyday but my thing is if he wants to see changes or consistency than he needs to be at home and spend more time with me. Am I wrong? I am now seeing how he felt when the tables were turned. But I get so angry that now i say things to him that make him not want to come back wholeheartedly. I'm stubborn yes I admit that and I should shut my mouth at times but I hate feeling lonely and he knows this and he's not at my side when I need him and that's when the frustration kicks in. 

Does anybody out there know what I'm talking about? Have you been there or are there now? Any helpful advice for me. Thank you I really do appreciate it.


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