# God ,spouse then children



## a_smay19

We have a blended family. I have 4 sons & 1 daughter. 3 of 5 are grown and live on their own . Which all understands and respect our marriage.He has 1 daughter 23 w/ son. That lives with us. Ok my issue is that she is his priority and not me. For instance, we married in February and had a wedding in May. February after our ceremony we retreated at a nice hotel... she texted him how was she getting to work. Then in May on our wedding day ,she left with us . (Really). Constantly, I have to put my life on hold because of what she has going on. We can’t go out he has to babysit, cannot go to church because she needs a ride to work. He says it’s not true or he is learning. But it keeps happening. It’s been 6mths, I love him and I cannot deal.


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## ConanHub

You might see about an annulment.

His behavior shows he isn't ready to be married yet.


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## Cynthia

.


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## Cynthia

I don't believe in putting people in order of importance, but I do believe that we have different types of relationships that should be handled according to what kind of relationship it is.

You have not set healthy boundaries in your relationship with your husband. He knows that he can do whatever he wants and you will put up with it. You married him knowing that this is the situation. After the marriage he is no longer on his good behavior and this is not going to get any better unless you learn how to establish some boundaries.

I recommend you find a good therapist who can help you understand what you are doing to allow this kind of behavior in your life.

Are you a Christian? Is that why you titled your thread "God, spouse then children"? God is not a respecter of person's. This means that he doesn't put people in order of importance. We each have value, but we can't all be treated the same because we have different roles in life. My husband has a different role in my life than my children, but I wouldn't say my husband is more important than my children. But my children are thoughtful, considerate people who understand that their dad and I need time alone. You can't have a healthy marriage when the parents allow the children to come between husband and wife. This isn't the daughter's fault. This was established by your husband. You went along with it. Now you are realizing how serious the problem is.

Only you can do something about your own response to this unacceptable behavior. Getting angry and demanding change is not going to work, but it will provide a miserable marriage. An example is: When your husband brought his daughter along after the wedding, it would have been wise to take him aside and tell him that he was hurting your feelings. If he changed the subject to his daughter's feelings or something else, you could have said you decided not to go since it wasn't the romantic evening you had planned and then left. No anger. No name calling. Just that it isn't working for you, so you're going to go do something else.


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## Chuck71

Is your H daughter immature or does she just seem to always have bad luck? If it's just bad luck this

would most likely be temporary. If she is just immature, whole different story.

If she is dependent on her dad.....there are sharks in the water already. If this is the case, did you

notice this before M? 

By your OP I don't think it's just a run of bad luck. Your H needs to nip this in the bud. Not a thing

wrong with helping your adult children but don't allow them to be dependent as they were growing up.

Questions you may want to propose to him would be
-Where's the baby daddy?
-UBER? One doesn't need BMW to drive to work and back, buy clunker, drive till wheels come off
-Where's her $ go if she lives at home?
-So there's no teenage girls within 10 miles who would babysit on the cheap?
-If she is not paying her share (rent to help out), have her start. Put extra $ aside until it is enough for her to rent her own place, and buy a beat-up car. Help her move....and wish her best of luck..... and if that goes up in smoke you'll know...things will not change. Then you have decision to make.....


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## a_smay19

Ummm ok


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## a_smay19

I don’t agree. I’m not angry, just aware that boundaries need to be set. The daughter is 24, not a teenager.


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## a_smay19

Chuck I STRONGLY AGREE


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## Wolfman1968

OK, others have given practical advice, such as Chuck. Heed that advice.

If what you seek is a confirmation that you are not out of line with your needs---you have it.

His daughter is 24, and your husband has not raised an independent adult in her. I think you are totally appropriate to demand limits.
You are not in the wrong here.


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## a_smay19

THANK YOU WOLFMAN, I really needed that. Thank you!!!


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## ConanHub

a_smay19 said:


> Ummm ok


I think this was in response to my post. Try the quote option.

I mentioned annulment because I have a lot of experience with men like this and I have only seen one turn things around after his wife left him.

I just don't want to see you get walked on by a weak man and a ridiculous adult child.

I would have dumped my wife if she got a text from her adult child on our honeymoon and she didn't tell them to go to hell.

It was your honeymoon. Kind of important wouldn't you say?

She gets to hang with you two after your ceremony?

You seem to be developing door mat syndrome.

I can't even comprehend putting up with what you already have.

Hope he grows a backbone but it is unlikely.

Weak men ruin good women.


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## frusdil

Yeah nah. This is bs OP. She is 24 not 8! Where's all her money going if she works? Why can't she catch the bus to work? She left your wedding with you? 

My husbands ex wife RANG us on our honeymoon - because SD had a computer question. I took the phone and told her "We are on our honeymoon ffs. Do NOT call again unless it is an emergency involving SD" and hung up.

As parents, we are raising adults, not children. Our job is to prepare them for the next stage in life. Your husband and his ex clearly didn't do this and now their adult daughter, in her mid 20's no less is failing to launch. That is sad and pathetic.

Tell your husband that things need to change, she is to start paying rent which you will save for her to put towards her new apartment that she has 6 months to find. 

this is absolutely ridiculous!


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## Mr.Married

Do you think it is on purpose ...... she is competing for her Dad's attention ?


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## EleGirl

How old is your step-daughter's child? Where is the child's father?

Where is the step-daughter's mother? What is her relationship like with her mother?


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## Lila

a_smay19 said:


> We have a blended family. I have 4 sons & 1 daughter. 3 of 5 are grown and live on their own . Which all understands and respect our marriage.He has 1 daughter 23 w/ son. That lives with us. Ok my issue is that she is his priority and not me. For instance, we married in February and had a wedding in May. February after our ceremony we retreated at a nice hotel... she texted him how was she getting to work. Then in May on our wedding day ,she left with us . (Really). Constantly, I have to put my life on hold because of what she has going on. We can’t go out he has to babysit, cannot go to church because she needs a ride to work. He says it’s not true or he is learning. But it keeps happening. It’s been 6mths, I love him and I cannot deal.


How long did you and your husband date before getting married?

Was the daughter living with him during that time? Did you know she would be living with you after marriage?

Were there any red flags before marriage that you would be dealing with this after marriage?


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## a_smay19

We’ve known one another over 20 yrs. The issue change when we said I do, and she broke up with her boyfriend.


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## EleGirl

a_smay19 said:


> We’ve known one another over 20 yrs. The issue change when we said I do, and she broke up with her boyfriend.


Does she earn enough to get her own place? 

Does she get child support from the child's father?

If I were in your situation, I'd try to find a way to help her become more independent and move out. For example if she is not getting child support, get her to a lawyer and get that started. The child's father should have the kid about 50% of the time. If she does not earn enough to get a place of her own, I'd check out how to get her on welfare and into subsidized housing. There is most likely a website in your state with an online application. I've helped people here where I live get on welfare, get food stamps, etc.


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## BluesPower

Wolfman1968 said:


> OK, others have given practical advice, such as Chuck. Heed that advice.
> 
> If what you seek is a confirmation that you are not out of line with your needs---you have it.
> 
> His daughter is 24, and your husband has not raised an independent adult in her. I think you are totally appropriate to demand limits.
> You are not in the wrong here.





a_smay19 said:


> We have a blended family. I have 4 sons & 1 daughter. 3 of 5 are grown and live on their own . Which all understands and respect our marriage.He has 1 daughter 23 w/ son. That lives with us. Ok my issue is that she is his priority and not me. For instance, we married in February and had a wedding in May. February after our ceremony we retreated at a nice hotel... she texted him how was she getting to work. Then in May on our wedding day ,she left with us . (Really). Constantly, I have to put my life on hold because of what she has going on. We can’t go out he has to babysit, cannot go to church because she needs a ride to work. He says it’s not true or he is learning. But it keeps happening. It’s been 6mths, I love him and I cannot deal.


Along with what others have said, and wolf in particular... 

I have a question, did you not understand he was like this before you married him? 

What you have is a guilty, codependent husband... he is codependent with his daughter for sure if not with others. 

Plus, he is a permissive parent, all of which is bad for a marriage. 

When you blend a family, or even in a marriage, the children are in fact secondary to the marriage/relationship. 

Some will gasp at that, but it is still true. 

So he needs to start to ACTUALLY understand what a marriage at any age SHOULD look like... 

Further, he needs to let his daughter be an adult... period, he is doing a disservice to her and the your marriage.

A real honest "SERIOUS" talk and probably Marriage counseling is defiantly in order. 

So, for example, with me an fiancé, if her kids want her to babysit the grand kids, or if mine want me to, then we check with each other. If we don't have plans then it is usually cool, if we do then... we cannot babysit. 

For me, if my kids wait until the last minute, sometimes I will not help them out just because it is last minute. My time is at least as important as theirs, so they should get it together ahead of time.

See how that works? The marriage/relationship is the most important part of the situation at all times.


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## frusdil

BluesPower said:


> Along with what others have said, and wolf in particular...
> 
> I have a question, did you not understand he was like this before you married him?
> 
> What you have is a guilty, codependent husband... he is codependent with his daughter for sure if not with others.
> 
> Plus, he is a permissive parent, all of which is bad for a marriage.
> 
> When you blend a family, or even in a marriage, *the children are in fact secondary to the marriage/relationship*.
> 
> Some will gasp at that, but it is still true.
> 
> So he needs to start to ACTUALLY understand what a marriage at any age SHOULD look like...
> 
> Further, he needs to let his daughter be an adult... period, he is doing a disservice to her and the your marriage.
> 
> A real honest "SERIOUS" talk and probably Marriage counseling is defiantly in order.
> 
> So, for example, with me an fiancé, if her kids want her to babysit the grand kids, or if mine want me to, then we check with each other. If we don't have plans then it is usually cool, if we do then... we cannot babysit.
> 
> For me, if my kids wait until the last minute, sometimes I will not help them out just because it is last minute. My time is at least as important as theirs, so they should get it together ahead of time.
> 
> See how that works? The marriage/relationship is the most important part of the situation at all times.


Bolded part for emphasis - you won't hear me gasping, I agree 100%. In a family situation, the marriage is the foundation on which the family is built. Keep that strong and the house won't fall down.


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## MaiChi

a_smay19 said:


> We have a blended family. I have 4 sons & 1 daughter. 3 of 5 are grown and live on their own . Which all understands and respect our marriage.He has 1 daughter 23 w/ son. That lives with us. Ok my issue is that she is his priority and not me. For instance, we married in February and had a wedding in May. February after our ceremony we retreated at a nice hotel... she texted him how was she getting to work. Then in May on our wedding day ,she left with us . (Really). Constantly, I have to put my life on hold because of what she has going on. We can’t go out he has to babysit, cannot go to church because she needs a ride to work. He says it’s not true or he is learning. But it keeps happening. It’s been 6mths, I love him and I cannot deal.


I see your point, but if I chose to marry someone with children, I would expect him to give priority to his children all the time. If he did not I would have to tell him off. To me, children and their needs before my needs, any time. It is not their fault that their parents split up and left them disadvantaged. I, certainly would prioritise my children ahead of my spouse whether he was their dad or not. I fit my spouse's needs into my children's needs and not the other way round. My children should always feel that they are prioritised. 

As they grow older, i teach them to be self -sufficient and when they get to 21, they should be very close to self sufficiency.


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## frusdil

MaiChi said:


> I see your point, but if I chose to marry someone with children, I would expect him to give priority to his children all the time. If he did not I would have to tell him off. To me, children and their needs before my needs, any time. It is not their fault that their parents split up and left them disadvantaged. I*, certainly would prioritise my children ahead of my spouse whether he was their dad or not. I fit my spouse's needs into my children's needs and not the other way round. My children should always feel that they are prioritised*.
> 
> As they grow older, i teach them to be self -sufficient and when they get to 21, they should be very close to self sufficiency.


That way of thinking plays a huge role in why so many marriages end. It's not the only reason of course, but it's certainly a big one. I just don't understand how women can be so dismissive of their husbands - the person they CHOSE to walk through life with, to build a family and a life together.

I have a friend who honestly, her poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and she wouldn't notice - unless one of the kids needed something and she wanted him to do it. 

A lot of women would do well to remember that their husband is the reason they have children at all.


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## personofinterest

frusdil said:


> MaiChi said:
> 
> 
> 
> I see your point, but if I chose to marry someone with children, I would expect him to give priority to his children all the time. If he did not I would have to tell him off. To me, children and their needs before my needs, any time. It is not their fault that their parents split up and left them disadvantaged. I*, certainly would prioritise my children ahead of my spouse whether he was their dad or not. I fit my spouse's needs into my children's needs and not the other way round. My children should always feel that they are prioritised*.
> 
> As they grow older, i teach them to be self -sufficient and when they get to 21, they should be very close to self sufficiency.
> 
> 
> 
> That way of thinking plays a huge role in why so many marriages end. It's not the only reason of course, but it's certainly a big one. I just don't understand how women can be so dismissive of their husbands - the person they CHOSE to walk through life with, to build a family and a life together.
> 
> I have a friend who honestly, her poor husband could be dead on the couch for a week and she wouldn't notice - unless one of the kids needed something and she wanted him to do it.
> 
> A lot of women would do well to remember that their husband is the reason they have children at all.
Click to expand...

AMEN to all of this


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## TheDudeLebowski

MaiChi said:


> I see your point, but if I chose to marry someone with children, I would expect him to give priority to his children all the time. If he did not I would have to tell him off. To me, children and their needs before my needs, any time. It is not their fault that their parents split up and left them disadvantaged. I, certainly would prioritise my children ahead of my spouse whether he was their dad or not. I fit my spouse's needs into my children's needs and not the other way round. My children should always feel that they are prioritised.
> 
> As they grow older, i teach them to be self -sufficient and when they get to 21, they should be very close to self sufficiency.



Nobody is ever truly self sufficient. What a great fallacy that belief is, despite how common it seems to be. 

I would think the path that leads to the largest chance of success would be to both put your partner first. Then, as a team, work to put your children first. If that makes sense. Empty nest divorces happen because this balance wasn't strived for and achieved.


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