# I'm so depressed and confused



## skippyizz (Sep 5, 2010)

I have separated from my husband. We were married for 2 years. I left almost two months ago. When I left my mother and sister had to come over to help me get out. I was an emotional wreck and I couldn't take it anymore. My husband has hit me at least once in our marriage. But I have to say the emotional abuse that I've been dealing with has been the worse. I love him, it breaks my heart and I am so confused. We have had problems since about a month after we got married and I found out about him having a lot of credit card debt and not even opening the bills. Things just kept getting worse and I feel like I have lost all my trust in him. I put on a happy face. I am very good at pretending and just working through life that way. At some point I decided I just could do it anymore. I still haven't come face to face with him or even talked to him as much as on the phone since I left. There have been short and to the point emails and text messages. I am very afraid of him. Mostly because I'm afraid of him hurting me. The look of hate in his eyes that night and the monster that I had been living with scare the heck out of me. I grew up with an abusive father and my mom's mom getting brutally murdered. 

I'm hurt and very depressed and so confused about everything. There is a part of me that wants to still fight even though most of our marriage has been me fighting for the marriage and him not doing anything towards it. Am I wrong for fighting for me? For fighting for a better life for me? 

I turned into a roommate or rather a caretaker or a mother just a companion rather than a wife and a lover. Just looking for some support and maybe a bit of direction with this. 

Thanks


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

skippyizz said:


> I put on a happy face. I am very good at pretending and just working through life that way.
> 
> There is a part of me that wants to still fight even though most of our marriage has been me fighting for the marriage and him not doing anything towards it.


I think you fought for your marriage the wrong way. You chose the under the rug approach, and if there's anything i know about that approach its that resentment builds up. resentment explodes and is really ugly. I know your H has a nasty side, but i also know you do, too. i can only imagine the fights you two had. 

Being good at pretending is not something to be proud of. It will destroy a relationship as fast as any physically abusive man will. You send out mixed signals and you arent honest with yourself. 

Im sure your H is a very nasty man, probably not someone to go back to, but you are an equal partner in the dysfunction of your marriage. You're not as overt as your H, but just as vindictive and abusive. There are no innocent parties here. Im not saying that to be mean, or attack you. Im sure you've been through a lot. But along the way you picked up some extremely unhealthy coping mechanisms that will destroy any relationship you have. You need to get counseling on how to face conflict and communicate your needs. you need to learn proper boundaries with yourself and others. you have to stop being good at pretending. you think you're fooling other's but the only person you end up fooling is yourself.


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## skippyizz (Sep 5, 2010)

Honestly, part of the problem is that we didn't fight. We didn't communicate at all. And he is the one who made me pretend to others about our marriage. Had the outlook of how everything has to be perfect. Some of this comes from his parents and how they brought him up. They are very much the same and have that outlook. 

It seems the person I married is gone. He changed once we got married. Didn't want to spend any time with me at all. I'm not saying that I didn't make mistakes or add to problems. I'm just saying that I'm trying to work out myself exactly what is going on and if it's really worth me giving myself up for someone else who wants to live their life their way without any compromise whatsoever.


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## skippyizz (Sep 5, 2010)

Blanca,

I am also sorry if I come off as a mean person. I really am not. He knew from the start how unhappy I was. I tried many times to sit down and talk to him. Sports always came first, or online poker. When I say I put on a smile and went through things. I did that to others. Such as mine and his family. I am in therapy, and from what his mother has told me he is too. I only want the best for him and for I in the end. 

In the end I felt like all I was good for was to do the housework and take care of the bills and the cats. He didn't even want anything to do with sex. We were lucky to have sex once in 7 months if not longer. 

I even tried to have a movie night just to spend some quality time together. It didn't happen. The last movie night that we had he fell asleep. I woke him three times and he didn't care. I spend a good half an hour in another room crying.


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