# Separated for 4 months, I want to save my Marriage need advice.



## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Hi, sorry this might be long read and kind of all over the place, I just need to get it off my chest and vent and look for some advice

I've been separated for almost 4 months now, I'm 42 male and she's a 39 year old female. We been together for almost 20 years, married for 8yrs, have a house together for about 11yrs and a son of 6rys he has a mild autism gets violent when he's mad. I'm a fun loving social person and she's kind of a introvert with sassy silly side that I love.

I came home after work at the end of August 2022 and my wife was upset at me for something and I asked what was wrong and she started to yell at me for all sorts of things mainly money. We been paying for certain things separately for awhile, I pay all the bills and groceries and other small expensive and she pays the mortgage and land taxes. She's also in control of line of credit on the house. She also keeps that over my head that i haven't paid for things as much as she does. Since I've been out of the house i still pay for the gas bill daycare bill and throw her some extra cash every month maybe 1000+ total a month.

So I said lets sit down and figure it out so we can make it work and you won't feel stressed out anymore. She said I already figured it out and I can do it all by myself. Which shocked me because obviously she has been thinking this for awhile. She said she's been thinking this way for the last 2 years starting during Covid working from home and taking care of our son that couldn't go anywhere. I get it she felt trapped and had no social contact. (most people did)
I offered my help but I had to go to work to afford to pay for stuff to live. Also I've been feeling some sort of disconnection with her in the last 6 months before this, I thought she was mad from something and being the clueless husband I thought she was mad and eventually get over it. I should of saw the signs and the warnings but didn't clue in. So she asked me to leave and I did because I wanted her to be happy and not stressed out.

There also some other factors I had a cocaine addiction before covid hit and I used it to mask my feelings I felt depressed (maybe some midlife crisis). She knew i was doing it, when she asked why i told her because I don't feel loved anymore and she responded by saying you have a roof over your head and a family that loves you, but i didn't feel that way. I eventually told her everything about it after, when and where i was doing it. It took her to threaten me with a lawyer to stop.
She was never really good at showing affection and I come from a from a family of huggers and kissers. I feel like after my son was born our communication went away and were just doing everything on the fly. I was happy or at least i thought I was, I never complained only that one time. More factors was alcohol which I haven't drank in 120 days now and I feel great, she stopped drinking about 13 years ago. I come from a family of drinkers and i grew up with it always around. Other factors is she felt neglected and not worth anything which is half true, she is totally worth it but the neglected part is right i stopped taking her out on dates and again that's the clueless husband thought process thinking were married why should I have to do that now, seemed trivial. I would make plans to do things with my friends before making any plans with her, which I now regret doing.

So now I've been out of the house for almost 4 months, at first I stayed at a friends house for the first 2 months and was only like 7 min walk from our home. I live in small town so everything is pretty close I work down town as a graphic designer. Then in November I lucked out and found a place my old landlord was staying at and he let me have it for 400 bucks a month fully furnished but he's a snow bird and will be coming back at the end of April so if I can't figure something out between us I will have to find somewhere else to live that won't be as cheap. It is also close to our home maybe a 6 min walk.

Since I've been out I go to the house every morning around 6:30 to get my son ready for school and bring him to school for 830 and let her get ready to work for 8, it works for both of us. The first month was tough because we didn't want to talk or look at each other. Now we talk every morning about random things mostly work or kid related stuff. I'm always positive and respectful I never yell or have ever yelled at her.

I did push her a few times back in September and in the beginning of October but realized pretty quick that I can't control her feelings or choices. So I basically stopped doing those things like begging and pleading.
Also after the one big argument i asked should I move my stuff out she said there's no rush and then I asked if we were going to get divorced and she said I don't see the point. So all my stuff is still in the house but i don't even care about stuff its not important to me, stuff can be replaced but my family can't.
In October she was sick for the whole month and I went there everyday to take care of her I let her sleep and I took care of our son. It was nice she was texting me even though it was just about her symptoms.
In November she took down our wedding photos which really bothered me but i didn't react to it because i felt like it was some kind of test.

So I've been working hard on myself to show her I'm a different person, well not different more mature version of myself. I've lost about 32 pounds, I was 230 now about 198 I feel and look some much better. I was recently looking at old pictures of myself and I was kinda shocked how big I was. I want to blame the lazy husband trap for it. I'm almost glad this happen its like a wake up call for my health. Eating and exercising better than ever.

Our weekly schedule is I go over in the mornings except weekends, monday and wednesday I go to the apartment after work then video chat with my son before his bed time. Tuesday, Thursday and Friday i go over around 630 and play with him till his bedtime and give him a bath (which I've been doing all his life) and she reads him his nightly books and sometimes we chat for a few minutes after that than I leave. Now that I have my own place he just recently started to stay over she drops him off on saturday after supper and picks him up on sunday to go for breakfast at her parents and then drops him back off after lunch and then we go swimming for a few hours at the pool then i take him back home and hangout with him till supper then I leave. Some days it feels awkward but its still my house to if she doesn't want to be around me she can leave or go somewhere else in the house but she usually sticks anound.

I know it takes time for someone to get over the hurt, she said some really hurtfully things to me that I never would even think she could say. But hurtful people say hurtful things. Like the classic I love you but not in love with you.
I've been putting in the effort and time and patience, but some days are hard and I feel like giving up and she doesn't make it easy. I cry a lot some days. I do have lots of friends and family that support me and keep telling me to keep doing what I'm doing. I just get frustrated because it feels like I'm going nowhere. I am lucky though compared to some peoples stories, so I am blessed for that.

I do have hope for reconciliation but I know its not time to ask for that, my only fears are that she might be on the look out or already seeing someone and again I can't control that. It does make me feel insane when I do think of her with someone else. I personally don't want to be with anyone else even though she told me at the beginning to go find someone else I felt like that was a trap of some kind, I did consider it though. Maybe its just my male brain thinking over time. She's a good girl and has good values and morals and I know she wouldn't just jump into bed with anyone with out getting to know them first but you never know.

Some other things to note, is that her coworker is doing the same thing to her suppose and one of her close friends is also doing it to her suppose, seems a little strange that her friends are doing the same thing. I did ask her about it but I kind went the wrong way of finding out. Again we live in a small town and a lot of people know me and its hard to keep secrets. Also when we did argue she always brings stuff up from the past like really far almost like she's grasping for straws to keep being angry to justify her decision

I might be missing some other things but that's basically it
Lack of communication and sharing feelings.
Me not helping out enough which can easily be fixed.
Not maintaining the marriage which can be easily fixed.
2 year cocaine addiction and a life time of alcohol usage which I'm completely done with.
Stress of hyperactive son.
I think the biggest thing is the lack of trust that I have destroyed

So my question is do you think I have any chance to save my marriage, is there a possibility of reconciliation?
I don't want to give up, I have nothing else to do and if I don't try I will probably regret it.
Thanks for reading


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Jaycamp said:


> Hi, sorry this might be long read and kind of all over the place, I just need to get it off my chest and vent and look for some advice
> 
> I've been separated for almost 4 months now, I'm 42 male and she's a 39 year old female. We been together for almost 20 years, married for 8yrs, have a house together for about 11yrs and a son of 6rys he has a mild autism gets violent when he's mad. I'm a fun loving social person and she's kind of a introvert with sassy silly side that I love.
> 
> ...


@Jaycamp Welcome to TAM.

That's quite a story and I wish there was good news. 

I think you _could_ stand a chance to reconcile but realistically there are a lot of things working against you.

Working against you:
You’re not staying at home which is a killer. You need to get home if you want to have a chance. Separation is for divorce, not reconciling.

You are self-improving, this is a must. But do it for you, not for her. Don't chase or beg, instead be yourself from a position of strength. Don't do the “pick me” dance.

If she’s seeing someone else, the marriage is over. Don't even fight for it. Divorce and move on.

Those friends sound toxic...maybe they are, maybe they aren't. But it sounds like too much of a coincidence to me. Minimize her time with them if she will listen.


I don't think it sounds very promising but if you can get back in the house and be your best self, then maybe.

And, as weird as it sounds, push for divorce. Make her chose. It sounds like she doesn't really want it, but wants to be popular among her friends. Get back home before she walks down the free spirit sex road.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

So I"m a woman. I read your intro and I think so much.

First. I love you but not in love with you isn't something hurtful people say... It's something someone who isn't in love with you says. It's her being honest.

I read too little too late.....
So you took her for granted you partied with drugs and alcohol, you didn't date her and she got to try to work with an autistic child. You knew something was bothering her but instead of talking to her you just hoped it would go away.

She's done. She may notice your improvements. Or she may be pissed that you couldn't be bothered to do ANY of that when it mattered. That you only bothered when she was done. That you are doing it because she's done. That the next woman will be a new better you and she's wasted all this time. That she's now not on her 1st marriage and that she's connected to you forever due to children.

And again with together for 20 years. married 8 years. So that means one of you basically kept the other in limbo for 10 years or more.

So did she not want to marry you or did you not want to marry her.... Then of course a child comes along and at some point you decide to get married because of kids not because of a deep love and commitment. 

So? Which person was stuck in limbo... If it was her I will tell you that builds resentment.

I don't think she's going to decide to reconcile. she's told you to date. She is looking to date. She may already have someone at work. Does she still work from home?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like she’s done. She’s not ready to divorce and finalize things, but she sounds checked out of the marriage.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Obviously it would take both of you working together to save the marriage. It doesn’t sound like she’s interested. Usually when women check out that means they’re done. Yes, she could change her mind but I wouldn’t count on it. Focus on you and getting your life in order. If she decides she wants to be with you she’ll let you know.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Money is a primary cause of divorce in North America. Married people combine finances. Roommates maintain separate accounts. A lot of people here disagree, but remember, everyone on TAM is above average.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I second a lot of what the other female poster wrote. As women, it can be really difficult to suddenly see a man ‘change’ when he’s living alone or has a new woman. It can leave you feeling 10 times worse! Because the situation you describe is really very harrowing on a person’s self esteem! Without a doubt she would have spent most of the marriage wondering, ‘is it me? What can I do better?’. 

And then you leave, and you CAN be sober, CAN lose weight, CAN help with the kids. 

And the insight, you also CAN logically see everything you did wrong, but still can’t really say WHY. As well as WHY are you able to do all of this now? It may read to us like you didn’t really like her that much and just wanted a roof over your head and someone else to get you through each day. 

If you could give her a why, what would that sound like? Because if she’s not verbally pointing out the injustice, she’s noticed and she’s probably angry. 

In terms of your living arrangements, why are you now working hard to move back in with her, rather than work hard to find a new rental once your friend comes back?


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Yup sounds about right, sucks to hear that but yah i took advantage and was to comfortable. She has actually said she was done a few times.
She has resentment for me for sure and i don't blame her, only thing i blame her for is putting up with my **** for so long.
I was always nice to her and still am, I just didn't give her what she needed and I was selfish. 
Sucks that I through it all away like that.
I guess i should start thinking of my future and be humble with the time i spent with her and the connection we still have with our son.
Maybe time will tell, i still wanna hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst.

I had a buddy that just got back with his wife and 2 kids after a year and a half and he was worse then i was. They both drank like fishes and he partied all the time, sleep all day long. separated had multiple partners and she had one to.
So anything is possible i guess.

I have been in the process of letting her go but its tough, so many years together, feels like i lost piece of me.
I really wasn't that bad i just made stupid choices.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jaycamp said:


> Yup sounds about right, sucks to hear that but yah i took advantage and was to comfortable. She has actually said she was done a few times.
> She has resentment for me for sure and i don't blame her, only thing i blame her for is putting up with my **** for so long.
> I was always nice to her and still am, I just didn't give her what she needed and I was selfish.
> Sucks that I through it all away like that.
> ...


So have you tried telling her that?
Have you tried just admitting that you took her for granted and you regret some of the things?
Not begging not trying to change her mind. Just remorse. Just letting her know how you recognize how you got here?


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I second a lot of what the other female poster wrote. As women, it can be really difficult to suddenly see a man ‘change’ when he’s living alone or has a new woman. It can leave you feeling 10 times worse! Because the situation you describe is really very harrowing on a person’s self esteem! Without a doubt she would have spent most of the marriage wondering, ‘is it me? What can I do better?’.
> 
> And then you leave, and you CAN be sober, CAN lose weight, CAN help with the kids.
> 
> ...


 I really don't know what i'm doing this is all new to me, i'm just trying to survive this and not try and make it overly complicated and stressful on both of us.
I left because she asked me to, I didn't want to be around someone that didn't want me to be there what would it accomplish. I never wanted to leave.
For drinking i wasn't that bad it was maybe a couple times a month.
I definitely see your point on how she thought if it was her fault if something was wrong with her.
I know it sucks that i came down to this for the WHY but i lost the weight because i didn't eat for like the first month and half. I always help with my son we played hard every night and i'm good dad and she knows that, i was just a lazy husband that neglected her needs and she knows all this I confessed to all my faults to her.
Why would i be with someone if i didn't like her like, I truly do love her and she knows that to. 
I totally get she she doesn't trust me and the changes are not yet permanent, I wouldn't believe it either. 
I had 2 paths to take I could of not giving a **** and just went and partied it up and drown my sorrows away and become a bigger piece of **** or take the path of what kind of husband that I can be and one the she always deserved.
For now i'm just going to keep bettering myself for myself and if the side effect is building trust back then there might be some hope. I might be a loyal fool but this is my family i want to save.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jaycamp said:


> I really don't know what i'm doing this is all new to me, i'm just trying to survive this and not try and make it overly complicated and stressful on both of us.
> I left because she asked me to, I didn't want to be around someone that didn't want me to be there what would it accomplish. I never wanted to leave.
> For drinking i wasn't that bad it was maybe a couple times a month.
> I definitely see your point on how she thought if it was her fault if something was wrong with her.
> ...


Well I believe bettering yourself is useful. Even if you don't win her back you'll be a better person.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> So have you tried telling her that?
> Have you tried just admitting that you took her for granted and you regret some of the things?
> Not begging not trying to change her mind. Just remorse. Just letting her know how you recognize how you got here?


 Yes, I have told her i took her for granted 2 days before i left and few times after. I told her i regret everything that hurt her, I never wanted to hurt her ever we just sucked at communicating. I wouldn't say anything because i didn't want to make her even more upset and if she come at me i would basically run away feeling attacked.
I poured my guts out a couple times.
We never argued that much, this last year was the most we have ever argued. 
What really killed me was going on family outings or vacations or even having sex for the last year or so, it was all a play it was all fake all the laughs and the photos and memories. 
Why would someone do something like that, just seems so cruel


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I’m not sure it was all fake. Sometimes, as I mentioned, the spouse in situations like this can blame themselves for a long time and the roles are reversed: they think so long and hard about how THEY must be failing. (A bit like the spouse who is cheated on, or abused for so long that they try to ‘win’ the spouse back because they think they must be flawed and that’s why their partner is hurting them.)

Until they have a lightbulb moment and realise they’re doing all the work and it’s not actually them. 

OR, the real problematic person in the marriage pushes things way too far, and makes the final really big mistake. 

It reads to me like there was a final mistake (from your end), or perhaps outside guidance (where abuse/neglect has been so significant they’ve spoken to police, family, or other professionals. And then they’re finally out. And often know the changes are temporary, and certainly not out of love. 

So which one was it for you?

And cocaine is on the expensive end too, how did that get financed?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

When there are financial struggles, a partner's partying makes everything worse. Think about how much money you wasted snorting coke up your nose. You could have spent that on the mortgage or respite care for your son. 

IF there is any hope for reconcilliation, you will need professional marriage counseling. You may also want to consider a 12 step program to prove to her that you are serious.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You were married to alcohol, not her. She detached.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m not sure it was all fake. Sometimes, as I mentioned, the spouse in situations like this can blame themselves for a long time and the roles are reversed: they think so long and hard about how THEY must be failing. (A bit like the spouse who is cheated on, or abused for so long that they try to ‘win’ the spouse back because they think they must be flawed and that’s why their partner is hurting them.)
> 
> Until they have a lightbulb moment and realise they’re doing all the work and it’s not actually them.
> 
> ...


I neglected her, I would never ever abuse her physically.
I had a side gig that paid for the cocaine.
I never wanted her to fail, I do see it her point of view I have put myself in her shoes.
Again I dont blame her for what she did, she did what she had to do to make herself happy, but I don't think she's happy. I do support her as much as I can and help her out with anything she ask from me.
I just wanna be the best seperated husband I can be.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> You were married to alcohol, not her. She detached.


I was married more to my life style then alcohol. I just been doing it for so long it was stuck in a rut.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

D0nnivain said:


> When there are financial struggles, a partner's partying makes everything worse. Think about how much money you wasted snorting coke up your nose. You could have spent that on the mortgage or respite care for your son.
> 
> IF there is any hope for reconcilliation, you will need professional marriage counseling. You may also want to consider a 12 step program to prove to her that you are serious.


I totally agree, money is probably the biggest problem. Its not like we were broke i was just was selfish with my money.
She told me she hated asking me for money because she felt like a little girl asking her dad for money. I wish she would of told me sooner.
She did ask me to go to MC in the spring but it was thru a text message when I was at work. I felt like if it was that important why wouldn't you ask me face to face. I do regret not accepting her request but what a awful time to ask. 
After I left I asked her twice to go and she said no.

Funny thing is that I'm at the house right now as I type this out and she's super sweet and respectful. We're talking about our jobs and making stupid jokes.
So were cool with each other, constant eye contact and smiling, this is where I get confused. But I respect her maybe my problem was I didn't respect myself enough.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Jaycamp said:


> I was married more to my life style then alcohol. I just been doing it for so long it was stuck in a rut.


ok... you did say you had a long life alcohol usage. Maybe you are underestimating the power of alcohol. Your response is typical. You are blaming your life style instead of the alcohol, but very often it's the alcohol that dictates your life style. Glad you've given up. But I'm pretty sure your wife doesn't trust you now.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Jaycamp said:


> Hi, sorry this might be long read and kind of all over the place, I just need to get it off my chest and vent and look for some advice
> 
> I've been separated for almost 4 months now, I'm 42 male and she's a 39 year old female. We been together for almost 20 years, married for 8yrs, have a house together for about 11yrs and a son of 6rys he has a mild autism gets violent when he's mad. I'm a fun loving social person and she's kind of a introvert with sassy silly side that I love.
> 
> ...


Wow, that`s one hell of a list.
If you really want to reconcile with your wife, you`re going to have to put a huge amount of work into self improvement and have to be convincing to your wife that you have become a changed man.
I suggest that you keep in contact with your wife everyday and slowly try to become closer to her, then once she feels more confident with you begin staying wit her more often.
Another good idea is to spend more time with your son taking more burden off your wife and of course, the number one is *NO MORE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.*
It`s going to take a lot of effort, time and patience on your part in order to win her back.
If you believe something is worth fighting for one has to strive until obtain the desired results.
Think about it.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I’m not sure it was all fake. Sometimes, as I mentioned, the spouse in situations like this can blame themselves for a long time and the roles are reversed: they think so long and hard about how THEY must be failing. (A bit like the spouse who is cheated on, or abused for so long that they try to ‘win’ the spouse back because they think they must be flawed and that’s why their partner is hurting them.)
> 
> Until they have a lightbulb moment and realise they’re doing all the work and it’s not actually them.
> 
> ...





gameopoly5 said:


> Wow, that`s one hell of a list.
> If you really want to reconcile with your wife, you`re going to have to put a huge amount of work into self improvement and have to be convincing to your wife that you have become a changed man.
> I suggest that you keep in contact with your wife everyday and slowly try to become closer to her, then once she feels more confident with you begin staying wit her more often.
> Another good idea is to spend more time with your son taking more burden off your wife and of course, the number one is *NO MORE DRUGS AND ALCOHOL.*
> ...


Thanks for the positive response, I've already change a lot since this happen, I'm sure she sees it but she also sees me everyday. Its hard to trust someone that has failed as a partner tho.
I see and talk to her every morning and we still kinda text, mostly making plans for my son. I'm ready to put in all the extra work, I hang out with my son as much as I can. I got all the time in the world and working on patience is my biggest hurdle. The ball is in her court at the moment, I have been nothing but calm and respectful thru this process.
Like I said I did push a few times but realized thats not working so I switched gears and became a more loving and understanding man. I deserve all the hurt shes giving me. 
Thank you


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

In Absentia said:


> ok... you did say you had a long life alcohol usage. Maybe you are underestimating the power of alcohol. Your response is typical. You are blaming your life style instead of the alcohol, but very often it's the alcohol that dictates your life style. Glad you've given up. But I'm pretty sure your wife doesn't trust you now.


The trust was lost when I lied about the drugs. She didn't want a cokehead for a husband. I dont blame her noone wants that.
Cocanie got a hold of me good and it was easy to get. It was hard to get over it, i thought about it often but it also terrified me to the point I would never touch it again.
Alcohol was also easy to kick, just don't buy any. The hardest part was when I was living with my friend he drank every single night but I would stay strong. He had his own demons to fight. He found his gf dead on his couch.
I even got him to stop for about 3 and half weeks. But he got bored.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

So I had another talk with her the most calm of been with out being a emotional wreck, I got a lot in the open but I don't think it made any difference. she kinda lied to me about going out with friends skating yesrerday but told me it was just the one guy she worked with. Then I asked her about the past Saturday when she was suppose to go to the movies with her girlfriend but ended up doing nothing, but she actually went looking at Christmas lights with him. She said their just friends, but tgats a striaght up date.
I asked her are you already looking to get in a relationship after 20 years just like that she said no I believed her and I also said the same im not ready for a relationship either doesnt seem right. Then we had a hour long talk about my wrongs and the choices I made and it was never my intentions to hurt her so badly thats literally the last thing I would want to do to her. To much build up and she was to far gone. She did admit to me about my changes and how it sucks that I'm doing them now and she's happy i took the right path. 
The guy she was hanging out with is 50yr dude that jams with me for the last 2 years, he's a cool guy but he's also gone thru a seperation in his life.
I didn't sleep a wink last night kept thinking about what I'm going to message this guy and tell him to back off a bit and let us heal some before he he takes advantage of the situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Jaycamp said:


> I didn't sleep a wink last night kept thinking about what I'm going to message this guy and tell him to back off a bit and let us heal some before he he takes advantage of the situation.


Really, what gives you the right?

Yes, she is still your wife on paper, but not in reality.

This is risky.

She needs to explore other options, even this man.
If you push him away, you will likely, further anger your separated wife.

Then again, it may give your wife pause, seeing you fight for her.
I don't know.

OK, talk to him, tell him that you love your wife, and give us some breathing room.
Don't beg.

Say it firmly, not angrily.

You are in a no-win situation.

Good luck.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Really, what gives you the right?
> 
> Yes, she is still your wife on paper, but not in reality.
> 
> ...


I was going to send this

Hey
I just want to say something man to man.
I know you know my wife and I are seperated and you probably know I wasn't the best husband. I know you guys have been hanging out together lately or even longer I dont know, I caught her in a few lies last night and really hurts. She says your just friends and thats fine.
We both know she's a very attractive, smart and funny women thats why I've been with her for so long, but I also neglected that fact because we're married and thought we would be together forever.
I ****ed up big time and I destroyed my family.
I would just like to ask that you don't take advantage of the situation, because there's a lot of hurt on both sides and there's a lot of healing to do.
This is probably the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with by losing the love of my life of 20yrs and it doesn't help when someone I know is kind of now involved to. Which really sucks.
I dont want give up yet and probably never will.
4 months isn't long enough to heal. I have changed a lot though. You probably wouldn't even recognize me.
I know your a man and you have needs but you have also be through a seperation and divorce before and I know you wouldn't want it to happen to your worse enemy.
I also have the need to restore my family and I think I have the right to fight for it.
All I am asking if you can please be kind to me and her and to respect the process that were going through. Im trying to make this as less stressful and complicated then it should be.
I would appreciate some respect from you, I know your a good person.
All I want is her to be happy. Thats all I ever wanted but I just didn't listen to her enough and was selfish in my ways.
I wish I could go back and change things but obviously thats impossible.
I hope you can understand and see it from my side.
You will probably share this message with her, but I hope we can just keep it between both of us for now as men. Ill leave that up to you.
If you do respond to this I hope you can be honest with me, I would do the same for you


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Too long, but go for it.

It may shame the guy, but his little head knows no shame, they aren't designed, or deigned to.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Too long, but go for it.
> 
> It may shame the guy, but his little head knows no shame, they aren't designed, or deigned to.


So what should I cut out


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

All of it. Simply tell him to back off - you intend to repair the marriage.

and quit making the letter about info about your wife. That’s disrespectful to her.
It’s more about the role that HE is playing. Address how he is participating - not her.
With HER - address how SHE is participating.
And if she doesn’t intend to participate with YOU - divorce her.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

I think I might send something to him after Christmas, I dont want to disturb the bees nest to much.
I suppose to stay Christmas eve there with my dad like we been doing for the last 6 years since my son was born.
My dad thinks its strange, I told him were doing it for my son.

Also would like to mention when I went to the house this morning to hangout and get my son ready for school, she came downstairs and wouldn't stop talking to me even tho I wasn't very talkative. She was talking about elf on the shelf how she almost forgot about it, the weather, her parents, Christmas gift exchange at her work and even let me talk about my work. She seemed like her old self. Super relaxed with me and trying to get me to interact with her. I told her I was very tired that I didn't sleep at all last night, she didn't ask why because she probably knows why. 

Just for kicks I bought her a new garbage can for the kitchen today the other one was old a beat up, earlier Christmas gift I guess.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Too long, but go for it.
> 
> It may shame the guy, but his little head knows no shame, they aren't designed, or deigned to.


I told her last night most men out there right now looking for someone only see you as a piece of meat no matter how nice they are they only want one thing. Right after I told her that I said the only thing I see is the beautiful mother of my amazing son. Not sure if it did anything but I needed to tell her that.
I also hugged her and told her sorry in her ear and basically told her I appreciate all the time we spent together I will be always humble for what we had. Just saying that I'm letting her go.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Sure doesn’t look like you’re letting her go.
Plan a separate day with your son for Christmas.
Doing things together at this point is just smothering her.
If she intends to date (which is obvious she does) then file for divorce and let her do what she wants - get visitation time with your son. Stop going over there every morning - set up a few days a week where he comes to stay with you.

do you earn enough to support yourself?


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Beach123 said:


> Sure doesn’t look like you’re letting her go.
> Plan a separate day with your son for Christmas.
> Doing things together at this point is just smothering her.
> If she intends to date (which is obvious she does) then file for divorce and let her do what she wants - get visitation time with your son. Stop going over there every morning - set up a few days a week where he comes to stay with you.
> ...


This was her idea to stay the night it was planned months ago. Its not for me or for her its for him.
We talked about the current situation that we have and we both agreed that it works for us, I need to see my son everyday only thing that keeps me going even tho he's a handful I love him to much. It also gives me the chance to interact with her to. I already said she's not interested in another relationship at the moment and I said the same, I believe her even tho she hid the fact she was with him last Saturday. 
Divorce was mention again but I think we both aren't in rush to go thru it. In Canada you have to wait a year to get judge to sign papers.

I do earn enough to support myself, I lucked out with the apartment I'm in tho, 400 fully furnished pots pans everything I need. But in April I will have to find something new and won't be as cheap probably in the 1000 to 1200 range and once that happens I won't be able to help her out anymore. Im already looking at alternatives, I was also thinking of moving back in to the house if I can't find anything. But that will be a bridge I have to cross when I get there.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Be honest, this does not look like you are trying to let her go.

you’re doing everything possible to see her every day. Meanwhile she’s been lying to you and looks like she has no intention of getting back together.

you better start planning your life without her. Your denial is harming you in the long run.

don’t send any note to the guy. If you want your wife to understand ANYTHING - tell HER directly. She obviously is giving this guy the idea that she is willing to spend time with him. Therefore - start planning your life as if you are divorcing.

doing the “pick me” dance makes you look weak.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

*quoted:
I told her I was very tired that I didn't sleep at all last night, she didn't ask why because she probably knows why.*

She didn’t ask why because she doesn’t care enough to ask! Stop fooling yourself. Your denial is deep - she is interested in someone else and has told you divorce is eminent. Believe her.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Beach123 said:


> Be honest, this does not look like you are trying to let her go.
> 
> you’re doing everything possible to see her every day. Meanwhile she’s been lying to you and looks like she has no intention of getting back together.
> 
> ...


I admit I'm still in denial, and I have been planning for my future. But I'm not sure if you have ever been with some for 20yrs and just give up like that, its almost like quiting smoking cold turkey its hard to do. I'm trying here I dont want to divorce but I know that its probably going to happen soon. The guy doesn't really bother me its the fact she kinda hid it but she came right out when I asked her about it so there is some trust and respect I think.
Seems like most of you just want me to give up and walk away I'm trying to do everything without pushing her further away. I rather still be friends then enemy's.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Jaycamp said:


> I told her last night most men out there right now looking for someone only see you as a piece of meat no matter how nice they are they only want one thing. Right after I told her that I said the only thing I see is the beautiful mother of my amazing son. Not sure if it did anything but I needed to tell her that.
> I also hugged her and told her sorry in her ear and basically told her I appreciate all the time we spent together I will be always humble for what we had. Just saying that I'm letting her go.


So you thought downgrading her would help you.

True or not this wasn’t smart. You are telling her she isn’t relationship material.

So she might believe and think you are the only man that will love her. Or she could tell that to her current male friend who would immediately build her up. Or she could tell it to a girlfriend or sister or what have you who will point out you are trying to manipulate her with negative statements.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Yes, I get it. I was married for 27 years.
But never EVER wait around for someone to love you.

she has disrespected you. She also you.
That’s not loving behavior.

what you describe is her having you come over and take care of things for the child.

I stead set up a consistent visitation schedule where YOU have consistent days with the child at your place and SHE does everything for him at the place SHE is in.
It will do you some good to establish a new routine - one that includes you seeing your child on the same days each week.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

So we officially mutually called it quits on Christmas morning I told her I would still help her out if she needs it, she's going to keep the house even tho I was having second thoughts on selling it but she's worked hard to create it into her home and its in a great area. Last night I know she went to the other man's house while I took my son to fireworks and he stayed over with me. I dont have proof but its obvious she left at 5 and my nieghbour said she got back after 12ish. Its a little out of the norm for her, but a taste of freedom is what she needs and she can have it. I do support her on getting into something right away, its probably good for her but it might get awkward since they work together. Same **** for 20yrs probably got boring and for me it did get borning always the same sex no spice at all. But on the brightside I found myself a 26yr old no strings attach kinky girl thats willing to do anything with me sexually and its exactly what I need because my sex drive is high. She has always found me hot to so that's a bonus. If you guys could only see what we were talking about. I recently added her to Facebook not knowing who she was and yesterday I was fishing hard for women. I asked her do I know you and she was like yah we met a few times briefly. Bla blah blah she says something like I'm awkward but I warm up pretty quick and I said I would like to feel that warmth and bloom fish on. I've been pretty bold and honest lately and it works. I also implemented the 180 so I can move on and not give a crap about what my ex does, and I can tell its already working and its only been a week. I can see shes kinda confused how I didn't bother to ask where she was going last night. I truly did try to save my family but time wasn't on my side and her happiness was more important to her than having a the average family life. I will miss her but life goes on and I can't sit and wait, no more cake for the cake eater. Also have another women coming over tonight, see how that goes. I've been talking to so many women in the last 2 weeks its pretty intense, new and exciting. Had a videochat masturbation session with this chick I use to **** back in the day, this morning. But I can't wait till Friday for that 26yr old and she can't wait either. So In the end I worked my ass off to save my marriage and in the process I change quite a bit and it was for my advantage im hotter than ever women are attracted to me even more and life doesn't seem to bad anymore. Its strange what can happen in over 4 months. I will pass all my knowledge to the next. Im almost thinking to study to become a marraige expert after this. After 4 months of videos and reading I know more than ever and when the next true love comes to me I will be a better man than I ever was. Thanks for your brutal honesty and depressing comments. But I will live with no more pain. Im humble for the time I had with my wife and the connection we have with our son. Life is all about ups and downs but don't let yourself get stuck in a rut.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Well Glad things are working out.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> Well Glad things are working out.


Really not the way I wanted it to be , but ill take it


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jaycamp said:


> Had a videochat masturbation session with this chick I use to **** back in the day, this morning. But I can't wait till Friday for that 26yr old and she can't wait either.



Your post comes with a lot of "bravado". At first, it looks and sound exciting that you will get this chick, and have been chatting with all these women, burning all the pent-up sexual tensions, and moving on. But, what you need to put in check in my opinion, is the quality of women you are starting to interact with. Kinky, exciting, mutual virtual masturbating, sounds like a good deal for getting off, but that in the long haul won't get you the peace and stability that you need in order to fix your inner self. On the contrary, beware of falling into the rabbit hole. A few months are no indication at all that you will not fall back into drugs and alcohol, specially when involving yourself with kinky chicks up for anything.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Your post comes with a lot of "bravado". At first, it looks and sound exciting that you will get this chick, and have been chatting with all these women, burning all the pent-up sexual tensions, and moving on. But, what you need to put in check in my opinion, is the quality of women you are starting to interact with. Kinky, exciting, mutual virtual masturbating, sounds like a good deal for getting off, but that in the long haul won't get you the peace and stability that you need in order to fix your inner self. On the contrary, beware of falling into the rabbit hole. A few months are no indication at all that you will not fall back into drugs and alcohol, specially when involving yourself with kinky chicks up for anything.


I agree, its just alot of craziness in the last 4 months, its a roller coaster of emotions. I kinda felt just like bragging to make myself feel good I guess. Its turbo hard man. 
I tried, she moved on quick, made me jealous.
Just not sitting around tho, need to keep busy even if its with certain types of women. Im going to stay strong with not ever drinking again, I'm not weak minded. My dad almost killed himself about 6 years ago from drinking so I'm using him to look up to and I don't want my kid to ever see the old me ever.
Like I said I tried with my wife, it was just to far gone and I have been thinking if there was a chance to get back with her I don't think I can do it. Love her to death but we never really had to much in common and the thought of her constantly holding things over my head is to much. I think it will take years for her to get over it. Even tho might seem like she's over it already.
I was there last night and we are super chill with each other. Not sure if I said it already but I do support her. She needs to experience certain things in life and I was holding her back with my selfishness for far to long. 
I dont think I will be getting into a major relationship for awhile but I'm not going to be priest.
That girl came over this morning and went straight to work definitely made me feel better, but I still have a empty feeling inside me. I know it will get easier its just going to take time.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jaycamp said:


> . I know it will get easier its just going to take time.


Correct. Just keep in front of you that flashing billboard coming from awareness that you need to take sex and social life in stride in order to keep it on the narrow lane. Eventually you'll get to navigate the highway with ease and confidence that you're straight ahead.


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## Jaycamp (25 d ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Correct. Just keep in front of you that flashing billboard coming from awareness that you need to take sex and social life in stride in order to keep it on the narrow lane. Eventually you'll get to navigate the highway with ease and confidence that you're straight ahead.


I think the scariest part of all this is the thought of being on my own.
I got a army of friends and family that are supporting me though, some people are shocked when they see me. They don't even recognize me. I was known as the fun loving party guy and always had a beer in my hand.


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