# What do i do?



## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

I've been married with V for close to 2 years and have been with her for another 2 years before we are married. We both get to know each other while working in a telecommunications company have enjoyed teasing and joking with each other. After 2 years of dating and in a relationship, she suggested that we get married as according to what i remember clearly what she said is " your parents are getting old, wouldn't you want them have grandchildren?" This statement from her is the deal breaker for me to agree that we should get married. Before you guys think that i married her so that my parents can get to enjoy being a grand parents, i did not, for i truly loved her, just that when that statement above came out from someone you loved, just melts my heart and i am so sure that time this is the woman for me for the rest of my life.

We get married soon after that. There were some petty disagreements, but we managed well and our wedding was quite grand. Although it took a toll on my financial situation but still i kept thinking back that i married a woman that will not only thought about me, but my family too. This is a woman that wants to bear my child and lives with me. I was glad to part ways with money in exchange for a wonderful wedding. Before our official marriage date, she had a new job as a medical sales. Things were looking for her as she enjoys her job and begins to build a successful career and are well paid too. 

She had asked me to agree to her living at both side of our homes with her alternating between my in-laws mansion and my families link house which i agreed upon because i was worried that she would have difficulty coping with such a limited space. At first, all seems well, until she complains that coming back to our place, she feels bored and she felt that time pass so slow at our place. Soon, her coming back become less and less frequent, from 4 days a week at our home to 2 and if she had to travel outstation, the whole week i would be alone. I asked her before how come now you're coming back so less frequent, the usual answer i'd be getting is my in-laws place is more convenient for her to travel around and she sometimes is too tired to come back to our place. We began to get less intimate due to our infrequent time being together.

As you might've guessed, our marriage begins to show signs of failing. I tried to ask her what is wrong, she once said maybe i am not loving enough, and i corrected myself to try to remedy our drifting apart. During our drifting apart, she got injured and broke her leg, i was the one to bring her to the hospital and stayed with her all the time through out her pain. I was there everyday in the hospital taking care of her, because i believe any decent man/husband would've done it with in a blink of a eye. I looked after her unconditionally for those 3 months during which she is incapacitated where her leg had to be in a cast. I showered her, massaged her, dried her hair and took care of all her needs and wants. I had thought if i did well in taking care of her, at least she can feel that i am being sincere in taking care of her.

Three months later, she healed, and began to be able to walk again. Her life is getting back to normal, and she had again resumed her freedom. She was back to her usual self, prioritizing her career and her friends. I was being placed again in the corner. I keep telling myself, it's ok, if i cannot love you from the close up, i will try to accommodate you and love you from afar, by giving you the personal space that you need. Space that you treasured more than anything, even me. Hanging out with her friends become a "no-entry" zone for me. I wasnt allowed to participate or even to show my face. Things get so bad, that my mom-in-law had to step in and advice me on how to win her daughter back. I did as my MIL suggested, but the results did not bear much fruit. She even dared to tell me that she had no more feelings towards our marriage and me. She thinks that marriage is a burden to her. How it breaks my heart to have to hear her say that. Still, i put on a brave front a redoubled my resolve to win her back. Jeweleries, watches nice dinners, taking the initiative communicate with her, accommodating her lifestyles, telling her how much i i still cared, and waited...

Moving on to recently, i felt the gap between us has just gone up even higher. She treats me just like an outsider and seldom talk to me. She rather plays with her mobile phone than have a conversation with me, and her coming back to our home is like just a motel stay. Check in at 10:30pm, check out at 9:45am in the morning. We rarely had any meaningful conversation nowadays, and things just went spiraling down with me confused about what had i done wrong? Last week, i posted on the social website, that i cant get angry or she will dislike it, i cant get depressed because she wouldn't understand it, and i cant get disappointed because she wouldn't care about it. I might as well keep it inside me and hope that i dont implode inside. She had a very negative reaction to what i posted and sent me a message telling me exactly this "there is nothing about you that i like" and "i do not have any more feelings towards this marriage and you, i dont know if we should remain this way as both of us will just be unhappy this way..."

I was heartbroken, and i choosed to cool off by losing contact with her for 1 week. To heal myself and prepare myself for the worse eventuality. I was slowly getting adapted to life being alone again, and i admit it might be hard on somedays, but at least the only worry i have is how do i kill my time alone. Just today, exactly 1 week after my cooling off period, my MIL called me up. She asked me do i still want to save my marriage, i said, i thought isn't that is what i have been doing the past 10 months? Nevertheless i told her of course i still do want to save our marriage. She told me to re-initiate contact with my wife and just ask her how she is doing which i did. But the respond my wife gave me is "take care, i believe you will fine." I forwarded that message to my MIL, she asked me to keep on trying, without imposing myself, just keep her updated on what i'm doing in my daily life, or remind her of our happy times together without expecting her to respond. She kept telling me i have to try and if i fail then it is fate.

Now if you ask me, i m frigging confused and i am really at a lost. Should i give it a shot or let go? If i re-invest my feeling and give myself false hope yet again, i know i would just be hurt again, but if i dont do it, i felt like i just gave up without giving it a proper shot at reconciliation.


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## Camelia (May 2, 2013)

Okay, first, I would like your permission to shorten your name to Max. So for your entire married life you lived in separate homes at her request? You had to pay for your wedding while that is traditionally the bride's family's duty? They live in a mansion, but couldn't afford the wedding? Is she young? It does seem that she was in love with you, and her desire to have a family with you was sincere. I really believe that your separate living arrangements are what led to your current state. If your MIL is so concerned, tell her to either let you move in too, or tell her daughter to grow up and go live with her husband! A big part of marriage is the intimacy nurtured by being together and building a life together. Good luck!


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

Camelia said:


> Okay, first, I would like your permission to shorten your name to Max. So for your entire married life you lived in separate homes at her request? You had to pay for your wedding while that is traditionally the bride's family's duty? They live in a mansion, but couldn't afford the wedding? Is she young? It does seem that she was in love with you, and her desire to have a family with you was sincere. I really believe that your separate living arrangements are what led to your current state. If your MIL is so concerned, tell her to either let you move in too, or tell her daughter to grow up and go live with her husband! A big part of marriage is the intimacy nurtured by being together and building a life together. Good luck!


I forget to add in that we are Asian, my apologies. And in our culture, the wedding is to borne by the male side. To me the issue has never been about the finance of the wedding, the issue is my wife has drifted so far from me that she claims that all feelings towards me have died all together. She will always put her career first followed by her own family members then her friend and if feelings allowed, than me. Now it seems like i dont even have place in her heart.

Today, my MIL contacted me and asked me to begin to win her daughter back and would like me to remain as her son-in-law. I am in a dilemma, as if really try to win her back, i will have to pour in hope in my effort for it to be sincere enough. But, hope to me, in this difficult time is so sparse and precious that i dont know if i should spare any. Now if i just give up, it will seems like i am a coward and are running away from facing the problem straight up. After all that's been said and done, am i ready to face another round of dejection? Am really capable of recovery from this hurt again? Will my effort really be recognized and accepted? Will i be able to really move her heart? Can i still open the door in her heart that is shut so tight?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Marriage is supposed to be a mutual undertaking, not a one-way street in which one partner gives everything emotionally to 'win' the other partner's favors.

Your wife is very, very spoiled. Her mother obviously does the work for her, including working with her husband to repair the marriage. The pressure the MIL puts on you may be well-intentioned, but is unfair and will not bring your W back.

You look very weak to your W now. You ask what you should do. I think you should declare a position of strength for yourself and file for divorce. You have no marriage anyway. You should make it clear that you will live your life. For yourself, not for a W who doesn't care about you.


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

I think it's time i let go. This has been killing me inside for so long. There has to be a line between desperation and determination. By insisting on this failed and one-way marriage, i am just carrying an emotional burden that will get heavier over time.

It's time that i take good care of myself and start to live normally again. What's the worse that can happen? Being lonely? Feeling empty? I was lonely during our marriage, i was empty during our marriage and i even allowed myself to be isolated by my own wife. So, even if i choose to end this, i'd still feel lonely, i'd still feel empty, but at least i can do something about it. While in this marriage, i am just pouring false hope into something that will not budge even a millimeter.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Max,

Sorry but I think you are wasting your time chasing after her. It's more than likely she sees these attempts as a sign of weakness on your part.

Time to just man up here. Go 100% dark on her and start the divorce process.

Look up the 180 here and use it to help you prepare for the next phase of your life.

Best of luck!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't think your MIL's way of getting your wife back is working. It's likely time to move on. It won't be easy but you *can *do it.


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## Peeps678 (May 21, 2013)

It seems to me that your only option is to file, and move forward with your life. You don't deserve to be treated that way. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

I really really appreciate the support i get from here. I may not know you at all in real life, but these words of support and encouragement is the "light" i really need. I can "see" again after being blinded for so long. 

I might be lonely, i might feel empty, but i know, in this world i am not alone, and in it is up to me to fill in the emptiness with what i am going to do next.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

It seems she wanted to "get married" but not actually BE married to you. Maybe it wasn't how she expected it would be. Maybe she wanted to marry during the rush of brain chemicals when you first dated, but that wore off so she thinks she's fallen "out of love".

Whatever it is, you don't have to live this way. Chasing her is a waste of your time when she doesn't want to be married to you. Move on. There are other women in the world.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

There are always going to be times in life when we are alone or lonely or sad. Always. If we are so afraid of those times, we won't take chances on so many of the good things out there.

I think the ship has sailed on your marriage. Reclaim your life. She holds it in contempt, it seems, but you shouldn't. You'll be happier in the end, even if you have to withstand some lonely times.


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

I realized this few days, that once i made up my mind and accept that my marriage has failed, i was more relieved than ever. Now it is time to heal properly and began anew. 

I agree with all the comments by you all here. Marriage is a 2 way street, where both parties have to put in effort and care into it. If all along, i am the only one still trying, then no matter how great my effort is, my W will never understand or appreciate it. Might as well move on and start again.


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

Just an update, i realized there is a 3rd party involved and they've been ongoing for sometime. She text me just yesterday asking for divorce and my parents called her parents up to ask whats wrong. Even my soon to be ex MIL cannot convince her to stay in the marriage and when queried by my parents is there any guy involved, she kept quiet. I've been played like a fool. When my close friend asked my soon to be ex-wife, is there any guy involved, she kept quiet too. I am taking their silence about this 3rd party as a yes.

It just sucks to be me.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Maybe a better way to think about it is being thankful you have only put in 4 years of your life to this relationship. It still stinks, but at least you have time to find someone else and have kids if that is what you would like to do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Maximillian1221 said:


> Just an update, i realized there is a 3rd party involved and they've been ongoing for sometime. She text me just yesterday asking for divorce and my parents called her parents up to ask whats wrong. Even my soon to be ex MIL cannot convince her to stay in the marriage and when queried by my parents is there any guy involved, she kept quiet. I've been played like a fool. When my close friend asked my soon to be ex-wife, is there any guy involved, she kept quiet too. I am taking their silence about this 3rd party as a yes.
> 
> It just sucks to be me.


Expose her sleazy cheating behavior to everyone.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Expose her sleazy cheating behavior to everyone.


I have to say that I don't always agree this is the best move to make. I see it used a lot as vengeance against the BS. If done with the intent to reconcile and done with the right intentions, I can see it. But they way you worded it here is about 'proving' to everyone that she is of low moral fortitude, not of reconciliation.

Max's comment of "It just sucks to be me." is a victim-portrayal statement. There is truth in what he says, the situation does suck, and he is having a hard time wrapping his head around how to deal with it. Acting out with vicious intent is not going to make things better, it will only inflame the situation even worse. Not being okay with the current situation, not allowing her to violate his boundaries, all of that is understandable.

The advice given with context included is nothing more than trying to get everyone that knows both of them to validate a position of victim.

The way Max has expressed himself here resonates with me. I struggle with the same questions, with the same desire to have external validation. My work on self is measured by my ability to internalize my own validation. Not saying that is what should do, but in the given situation, I don't see a positive possible outcome for the suggested response.

Regards,
-M


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

He sees himself as a victim.

He has much more agency and tools at his disposal than he realizes.

BTW, her behavior is sleazy and unconscionable.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> He sees himself as a victim.
> 
> He has much more agency and tools at his disposal than he realizes.
> 
> BTW, her behavior is sleazy and unconscionable.


:iagree:

Never meant to imply that her behavior was above board, i just don't agree with you on exposure in this case.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Morgiana said:


> :iagree:
> 
> Never meant to imply that her behavior was above board, i just don't agree with you on exposure in this case.


Yes, I think we should give her a free pass and allow her to pretend to be innocent with her parents and others.....not


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Yes, I think we should give her a free pass and allow her to pretend to be innocent with her parents and others.....not


I sit here thinking of how my STBXH told me that he would bankrupt me if I left him, who said the only way out of it would be for me to sign over full custody of my kids to him. Who threatened to sue me in civil count unless I paid him tens of thousands of dollars. Who tried to bankrupt me in the time leading up to my leaving him. Who views me as a person to be punished for leaving him.

I stand by my statement that exposure as a means of retaliation is not the proper means to handle the situation. I wouldn't try and hide it if confirmed, or my suspicions, but I wouldn't go around trying to 'expose' someone just because I was hurt either. Find a friend or three who you can confide in and go for it. Tell the MiL if she doesn't get her nose out. But in vendetta mode, no, I don't agree.

I will agree to disagree though. :smthumbup:

-M


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice given. But i wasnt planning on any move for retribution or in any way vengeance. As for reconciliation, I think i am past that too. Whats the use if i can win her body but not her heart and soul? I've learned to accept that my marriage is done and gone. 

I personally think my focus should be to move forward. Heck, i am even open to match making nowadays. Who knows, miracle is just a new person away.

This hurt, this disappointment, this sadness, it's just a challenge that i have to go through. And if i dont learn something from this, then it serves me right to be stupid enough not to learn it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Yes, do expose her and her cheating ways. She never really gave the marriage a chance to succeed. Better to find out now then later.


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## Maximillian1221 (May 20, 2013)

What's the purpose for exposing her? To shame her? To get revenge or retribution? Even if i get all that, will it still save my marriage? Will i really feel better? In the long run, does it guarantee me happiness? We're here because we wanted to heal or move on, or we wanted a way/channel to move on, why bother with someone who doesn't even care? Is our time and effort worth all that just for retribution? 

I will move forward regardless of what happen to her or her betrayal, this is the promise i make to myself every new day. Some people are just not worth the time and effort to make our live miserable.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You're right - give her a free pass.


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## zappy (Jun 7, 2013)

Good thinking Max.

One day at a time.

God Bless


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Maximillian1221 said:


> What's the purpose for exposing her? To shame her? To get revenge or retribution? Even if i get all that, will it still save my marriage? Will i really feel better? In the long run, does it guarantee me happiness? We're here because we wanted to heal or move on, or we wanted a way/channel to move on, why bother with someone who doesn't even care? Is our time and effort worth all that just for retribution?


Yeah...you will really feel better.

It won't guarantee happiness but you will surely have peace of mind.


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