# Please don't let it be over



## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 4 years and have a 3yr old daughter. I have always worked a lot and was not home much. About six months ago I quit my job and tried another one. It did not work out and I was laid off about a month ago. That is when everything went down hill. Through out our marriage I have been pretty heartless. I never cheated or resorted to physical violence, but I was mean to her. I regret it now, with all my heart I do. I told her I was going to leave her probably a thousand time, she thinks she got me to stay, but I would have never left. We had a fight about a week ago and she told me to leave and that it was over. She said it took her so long to build up the courage to do it that it could not be reversed. I stayed away for a few days and was an absolute wreck, honestly I felt like I had nothing to live for. I love my wife and never saw what kind of person I was to her till now. Since I have realized who I was, I have completely changed. She has let me come back to the house, but will not tell me she loves me, touch me, or kiss me. I am crushed, I love her so much. She said she needs time, it has been a week and nothing has changed. She will not talk to me about it. What can I do? I do not want to lose her, I am changed and I would never hurt her again and I would love her like never before. I really don't have anyone to talk to, I am going to therapy. The only thing with therapy is I am not sure what to do there, learn to move on or learn to work on my marriage. Please help I am a mess. She is beautiful and amazing and I ruined it all.


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## deb9017 (Nov 8, 2010)

You need to just be patient and give her a little bit of time. Don't push her to do anything she is not comfortable to do. Try your best to be consistent in your actions, and let her see that you really have changed. 

I understand where she is coming from, because I am very close to that point in my marriage. Where you feel like you have tried and tried, but you just can't anymore. Leaving is a hard decision to make, and she probably has been working herself up to it for a while. But if she sees that you really do love her, and that you are willing to make changes, there may be hope for you.

My marriage is in really bad shape right now, and the only reason I am still with him is because of my two young sons. But I still love him more than anything, and if he showed me that he was really willing to change, and I felt like he really loved me, I would try with everything I have to make it work.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

sorry4everything said:


> I really don't have anyone to talk to, I am going to therapy. The only thing with therapy is I am not sure what to do there, learn to move on or learn to work on my marriage.


I would think at this point, neither of those. You need to work on you to figure out why you would disrespect and hurt another person, much less your wife who's happiness should be your top priority. I'm not saying dote on her now, it sounds like she's not ready to embrace that right now, but figure out what was going on with you the last 4 years that would cause you to mistreat the one you should treat above all others in your life.

She will at minimum need to know that you have figured that out because her fear of you going right back to your old ways is probably a very real fear if it's been going on thorughout your marriage.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I have been thinking and talked to my mother in law. I know why I acted like that and it is rooted from my childhood. I did not have a very good life and learned at an early age to hide all emotion and never have feelings. I honestly never realized until now, I was totally blind to what I was doing. I look now and half the reason I feel so bad is the guilt of the what I have done. I cannot believe I was such a heartless person. I will NEVER go back to that ever again. I see now that the past that I have hidden my whole life is haunting me. I never told anyone about my past because I never wanted anyone to feel sorry for me. I told my wife about some of it the other day and she was in complete shock. Our childhoods were total opposites. How much time am I supposed to give before I accept the fact that she is totally over me? I am a mess and I am struggling everyday, I feel like if I am giving her space to forget about me. I am scared and doing my best to put on a smile and keep my head up.


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## OldTex (Nov 14, 2010)

Just continue working on you. Yes you may have a reason for your actions, however reasons are like feet evryone has two and most of them smell. The time factor is not up to you it's up to her. You might consider counseling and try to get over you child hood. I too had a very different childhood than a lot of people. Hang in there talk to God with your Heart not your mouth He know's what is in it Try and become the man you want to be. It may not work out for you. But you will be a better person in the end Praying for you Friend


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Tell you something most women need is for you men to be nice to us and do the right thing because you love us. The reason is we need to know you love us. Saying you do does very little if you spend your time showing us you don't. Although some of us sometimes will, we hate having to take a man by the hand to teach him. We hate having to tell a man what we need/want him to do because that would not be real. It would be doing as we ask and while that is nice, it's especially nice when you do it of your own volition just because you want to. The only thing we need is for you to be nice and not treat us so badly like you treated your wife.

This kind of thing happens aaaallllll of the time. Most men are just like you. It becomes abusive in most cases, and it not being physical abuse doesn't mean anything. Abuse is abuse, and all are equally damaging.

I appreciate your honesty because what you confess is not something men ever fess up to. They complain on these boards and all other types of boards all about what they don't get at home. But they refuse to understand that what they DO at home determines what they receive ordinarily. And no woman likes being mistreated. It is a physiological event that occurs in her brain with the release of certain pheromones that literally prevents her from being able to respond to your advances. With every put down, every stupid argument, every time you insist she cannot possibly be right about anything, every time you make yourself sooooo superior, every time you treat her as if she is your child, every time you make her feel worthless to you, every time you ignore her feelings and requests, every time you reduce what she says to mean nothing, every time you are mean to her, every time you are pretty heartless, she releases these pheromones that are the opposite and cause the opposite affect of the pheromones she used to release that attracted you to her. They also cause her to be unable to respond to the pheromones you release that used to attract her to you.

I don't know if those pheromones build up, but they are certainly on constant release mode because you constantly treat her badly. She reaches the point that she cannot STAND the thought of you touching her, not even for a hug or kiss. That is affection she wanted and needed from you many, many times before now. After a while of that constant pheromone release mode, depending on her own determination or her sense of hopelessness and helplessness (just like you feel right now, you have made her feel that way for a very, very long time), she reaches the point of no return. She is done with you. She is so sick of you that she can't wait to get away and begins planning her exit strategy to either leave or make you leave (or she finds affection and pleasantness/niceness elsewhere). 

The only reason your wife let you back in the house is that she still loves you. She still loves you but she still cannot stand the thought of you touching her. And the biggest thing of all is she cannot stand the thought of trusting you again. She freely gave her love, but you spent so long abusing it, showing her she is worthless to you, and showing her you do not love her that she has no faith you can be trusted. Frankly, she feels quite stupid even considering trusting because her hurt and pain are so deep. She cannot believe how you treated her. She is having such a hard time trying to process what you did of your own free will that it does not compare to what she did of her own free will, which was give you her love. She cannot imagine why you did not do the same and instead, decided to treat her badly. 

So, imagine her trying to reconcile your actions with her own. Every time she tries to forgive you, her better judgment reminds her "I loved him, but he did this to me," or "I loved him, but he said that to me." Those pheromones, those memories that make her cringe, and all that hurt and pain will not allow her to even entertain the thought. She is trying very hard, and that's why she let you come back. She's trying hard, but she is not ready yet. You will have to be patient because this is going to take as long as it takes. If you want a time frame, then give up now because you are not going to get one, certainly not an accurate. Stop trying to force her. Stop doing what you have always done, which is exactly what you wanted to do. All she sees as you keep trying to MAKE her do what you want is more of you doing what you want. Forcing, pushing, pressing her is not for her benefit. It is for your own benefit. But if you are truly remorseful, if you truly love her, then you will be patient and resolve yourself to hang in there for as long as it takes. Be less selfish for once and think about your wife this time. You say you regret your actions, it is time to show her you do truly love her and truly regret how badly you treated her. Saying you are sorry does not mean a darned thing anymore. How many times did you say that in the past but continued to be pretty heartless? Saying how much you regret it sounds good, but what does it mean if you push her into doing what you want her to do when you think she should do it? How does any of that show her you love her now? This is about her this time, not you.

If you want your marriage back on track, do everything in your power to show your wife you have changed, you are serious, you CAN be trusted, and you DO value her. It will take quite a bit of work that, again, no one can give you a time frame. What you have to do now is something you will have to do forever. Once she is back on board, she will have to begin doing it for you too. But in the meanwhile, the effort is entirely on you. Are you up for that? Can you be selfless enough to do what it takes to get your wife back?

Better yourself and smile more even though you are sad. This will help you feel better and give you strength. Keep yourself up and clean all the time. Sometimes feeling bad can make you fall into depression and you don't want to get out of bed sometimes, but force yourself. Be upbeat and your normal self. Invite her out on a date but don't expect to her appreciation and thinking you will get lucky. Don't beg her, don't try to make her talk about the relationship unless she wants to, but do let her know you are there for her. Go about your usual activities even when you don't want to. Engage yourself in your family. You don't say if you and she have children but if so, become a good dad if you weren't already. Seek personal counseling and ask your wife to join you in marriage counseling.

You have to learn to love your wife unconditionally and commit to that. It means that whatever you do, you cannot expect anything in return.

Rent this movie and then buy this book

Walk Away Wife
This article will give you a little bit of an idea of what your wife is going through. You might take advantage of the phone coaching the site offers.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

River......WOW. I actually thought that my wife might have wrote that. I printed it out and took it upstairs to her to ask her to read it. After she read it she said that it was dead on, except the finding someone else part. I know there is no excuse for the way that I treated her, I honestly did not see it till now. I look back and I was very verbally and mentally abusive to her and I feel horrible. I guess I thought that because I never her hit her that I never abused her, I WAS WRONG and I realize it now. I have changed after an initial meltdown. I told her that I had built up a wall around myself without realizing and she just wrecked the whole thing down. I feel like I can finally see and it makes me sick to see who I was. I do love this amazing woman with all of my heart. Yes, we have one beautiful little girl that is almost 4. I do not want this to end. I feel like at this point she has done everything that she could and it is my turn to do the work. Yes I am prepared to do the work and I swear I will never go back to the way I was. She does not deserve it, she deserves the best. I regret everything I have done and I have learned from it (very painfully). I have never felt heartbreak before and I never want to again. I am trying to give her the space she needs, but I struggle. The point that I struggle with is every time one of us is leaving to go anywhere and before we go to sleep. Every time for 4 years we kiss each other and tell each other I love you, you never know, that might be the last chance you get. I am not sure what to do about that now, tonight is the first time since the the incident that she has done that. I am did initiate it, but she was receptive. It felt amazing and I did not push for anything more. You seem like you know exactly what she is feeling and I would like to hear more from you. It hurt, but thank you.


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## Jack99 (Nov 21, 2010)

I don't think it's hopeless. Maybe you were a jerk, but God knows you've realized it if so. You never fooled around on her or were violent or drinking. She called your bluff about leaving, and now you realize what you were risking. She let you back into the house - that's a very good sign. You both have a child. It's recent and the emotions are raw. Just be strong and don't push her. Accept the coldness for a while. She's processing it to. Don't put any timelines. Be cool, realize there is a lot to life even if your in the doghouse. The odds are she will come around eventually, as long as you keep your cool. All things will pass.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Thanks everyone, please keep the responses coming. If there is anything else that I can shed light on to help, please ask. I love this woman so much and I am willing to do whatever it takes. She is amazing in every way and now looking at what she has been through is even more amazing. She is everything to me, I do not socialize with my family much, her and my daughter are my life. I thought that I always put them first, another thing that I was wrong about. If I actually put them first I would have realized sooner. I would not have put my wife in this situation and my daughter would have both parents together. This is really helping me and I do not feel so alone, again thank you everyone.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Jack99 said:


> I don't think it's hopeless. Maybe you were a jerk, but God knows you've realized it if so. You never fooled around on her or were violent or drinking. She called your bluff about leaving, and now you realize what you were risking. She let you back into the house - that's a very good sign. You both have a child. It's recent and the emotions are raw. Just be strong and don't push her. Accept the coldness for a while. She's processing it to. Don't put any timelines. Be cool, realize there is a lot to life even if your in the doghouse. The odds are she will come around eventually, as long as you keep your cool. All things will pass.


Precisely what I'm talking about, another woman and her feelings being minimized and reduce, while the man's efforts plus what he didn't do being praised. 

Yes, sorry4everything, I was accurate because I have lived it. Most women have lived it or are going through it right now. If you read the boards, you will see that how badly their husbands treat them are the main complaints among women. Like I said, most men are just like you. I could not say that if it were not true. It has been the subject of numerous talk shows. There are abuse shelters for this purpose. There are thousands of books and articles on the internet that either describe the general characteristics of the men like this one and this one, or they describe the effects of the bad treatment like the one I linked earlier. This board proves it every day. There are many other marriage boards just like this one with the same complaints from women as the complaints that are here. The complaints are all the same among boards only the name change.

What I don't understand and really wanted to ask you but didn't because I had already written so much is........Why??? Why did you mistreat your wife? You knew what you were doing. Perhaps you didn't know she would eventually get sick of you but every time you did or said something, you knew exactly what you were doing. So why did you? You claim you love her, so you didn't think being "mean" and "pretty heartless" were any kind of ways to express or display your love. So why did you? I don't want to hear any more of that childhood crap because it isn't as though the majority of men had your childhood, yet the majority of men mistreat their wives on a daily basis just like you.

Did it make you feel good to make her feel bad? Did you need to put her down so you could feel big? I'm sure lots of women would like to know, so continue to be honest please and tell us why you were so cruel and heartless. I think women should stop putting up with it and have the nerve to leave long before they get fed up simply because they shouldn't allow you to get away with mistreating them. So I blame the women for being so enabling. If your wife had left you long ago, you would have stopped long ago. But she put up with you until she got sick of you, but most women never do leave. I don't understand that either but the women usually claim "for my children" as their excuse. What is your excuse for doing it?


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Well River, I have no excuse nor do I want to try and make one up. I honestly have no idea. I grew up in a house with 2 sisters and my mom and I would beat somebody if they ever treated them that way. I have no idea what I was thinking and you are 100% correct. If she had left me along time ago I would have realized then and it would not have continued, BUT let me be clear THIS IS NOT HER FAULT!!!!!! It is mine. She loves me and was thinking with her heart and not her head. I was doing similar, only I was thinking with my ass and not my heart. I do not blame her for being angry with me or hating me for that matter. I love her and realize what I have done and know that it will be a long hard road. If she does decide to take me back I will never take her for granted again and will never disrespect her again. I am not sure why men do it, no clue every man may have the same result but not the same reason. My guess is that like you said a lot of women take it and never say anything then the man usually moves to his next victim. Now that I am typing this maybe that is what happened to me until now. I am sorry I do not have a time machine to go back and start all over with her, all I can do now is change my ways and try to move forward. That is my plan and hopefully she will be a part of that. Another thing is that I never really felt pain until now and that could be part of the reason that I never thought she really felt pain. I am being 100% honest when I tell you that I really never thought I was a bad guy until this. I guess all I can tell you is that I was blinded by my own ignorance and arrogance. I am sorry that I cannot give you a reason. I can tell you that I regret every bit of it and wish that I could take it back. You are very honest and it hurts, but it is deserved and appreciated. I realize that I am only feeling a small part of the pain that she has. I am much weaker than she is. She is an amazing woman and I can assure you that if given the chance I will not let her down. I do not expect praise for changing, I am doing for myself nobody else. I am changing because I see what a horrible man I was. It may seem like I am changing for her but that is not the case, if it were it would never work. A person cannot changed if they do not truly want to, and I do. I love this woman and she deserves the best and if given the chance that is what I will give her. It does not bother me to be honest so if there is anything else, please ask. Thank you


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> BUT let me be clear THIS IS NOT HER FAULT!!!!!!


I wasn't trying to say she caused you to do anything or she was at fault in any way. I fault women for putting up with it and allowing it to continue is what I meant. I wish women didn't wrap their self esteem around their man's scrotum. It wouldn't be the norm anymore because guys would learn their lesson. You/They do it because they get away with it. If guys knew they would not get away with it, they would never even attempt to do it. And that also tells me there is no real reason except they are bullies for all the reasons bullies are bullies - it makes them feel bigger/better/almighty. You didn't mistreat everyone you met.You didn't mistreat your co-workers. You say you don't, but all the rest of society has a friend or two or hundreds. They don't mistreat them or sock them in the eye whenever they feel like it. I guess people become drunk with power and will abuse anyone they can get away with abusing. No, it is not the woman's fault, and women do not deserve it. I just wish they wouldn't put up with it. Their lives would be happier because the men would straighten up.

Thank you very much for your open honesty and for indulging my curiosity. You didn't have to. And I commend you for recognizing and acknowledging you could and should have been a better husband to your wife. I hope she has a change of heart. I hope the links I gave you will help tremendously.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I did read the articles. The one about toxic men is interesting. I am not any of those men.....I was a little of all of them. The one that stood out the most was "rambo". Typical my father left when I was little and I was left as the "man of the house". I had my mom, who worked 2-3 jobs and two younger sisters. I had to be a father to my younger sisters from the time I was like 6 till even now. I did not run from the responsibility of doing that and it is what I think is the cause of that one. I would let my wife go out and stay home with my daughter and I would give her a curfew. I did not give her a curfew because of control though. I gave her a curfew because I was worried about her. I used to be in the bar scene and all bad things I saw happen were between midnight and 2am. I asked that she be home around midnight and 1am because I did not want anything to happen to her. I stay out of the bars and do not really drink. I come from a long line of alcoholics and I do not want to fall into that bottomless pit. I always loved my wife I just had an extremely messed up way of showing it. 

Another thing, I was thinking about you asking why men do it. One thing that stood out that I never really though about. As far back as I can remember I have had men ask if I got "some", even before I knew what "some" was. In talking to you I now realize how messed up that is. I am not sure that men even mean to, but they are saying that women are for sex from the beginning. Even through high school boys say that they did this or that with girls(even if they didn't). It is a horrible thing, but understand teenage boys are insane. High school in general is insane and you do not want to be the one that hasn't "done it". So, I guess what I am saying is that boys/men are messed up out of the gate. I have no idea what girls/women go through, because of obvious reasons.

I did not mention that I was a bully to my friends too. I never hit any of them or anything like that, but I did talk down to everyone. I have realized a lot of my faults and I am doing my best to fix them. A person cannot fix problems they cannot see. For the first time in my life, thanks to my wife, I realize I need to change. Another thing that I realize is how awesome my wife and friends are, for putting up with my crap. I always thought that they were lucky to have me and I now see that it is the complete opposite. I cannot believe how truly great these people are and how much they mean to me. I always took everyone for granted......no more.

Back to my wife. I hope that she can see the change and gives me a chance. She has paid the price for my ignorance and now that I have changed she should be the one to get the reward of my love. I do not want to make it seem like she had to earn my love, that is not what I mean, I hope you understand what I am saying. Also, as you said, most men are the same as way that I was. She has gotten me to the light, why should she have to go through that again? With me she has broke me of my ignorance and she should never have to go through that again. I love her and I have changed, pretty much overnight. Some many say that people can change overnight, they can. This has been a life changing experience for me, and I will never go back. I love this woman with all my heart and I hope she can see that now.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> I had to be a father to my younger sisters from the time I was like 6 till even now. I did not run from the responsibility of doing that and it is what I think is the cause of that one. I would let my wife go out and stay home with my daughter and I would give her a curfew. I did not give her a curfew because of control though. I gave her a curfew because I was worried about her.


I understand your sense of responsibility to your wife, but this is the reason you should seek counseling. People do all kinds of things they shouldn't do with their own justified purpose in mind. No one ever regrets their own actions until they get caught and find themselves facing prison time or other consequences. This is where you are right. And this is the reason I think you should seek counseling.

You can be regretful and see the error of your ways. But you can't be truly remorseful until you understand what you did and why you did it. You had what you felt were your reasons but what you have to come to understand is there is no reason because nothing is justifiable. As you are an adult, your wife also is an adult, who appreciated your concern but didn't need your permission to live from day to day and didn't need your approval of her personal choices. Nor did she need you questioning everything as if she were incapable. Until you understand "_I gave her a curfew because I was worried about her_" actually is controlling her, then you will continue to think you were justified and will continue to think your purpose was not to control her.....because it was. I can't remember the name of it, but there is a law that states a person is guilty of ultimate effect(s) of their actions, even though the end result was not their intent. This applies to you. 

I realize a lot of men, from boyhood, are taught to think of women as objects. And that is confirmed in everyday life by visual images and certain types of music. It comes at them from every direction and is absorbed almost subliminally. I understand it is hard to escape and also difficult to overcome. The worst part is they never have reason to know that way of thinking ever has to be overcome, at least not until they are faced with regret of their misguided actions. I understand this was also you for a long time as product of your environment, and I appreciate you now know it was wrong. So please forgive my "_that childhood crap_" remark. I guess you became the man you were taught to be by the entire village that raised you.

Because you and I alone will never conquer the world LOL, there is a solution to this problem, albeit small, slow, and mostly unremarkable but extremely significant. You and all the men reading can make a very big difference if you begin with your sons and daughters. Men can teach your sons to respect women. In your case, you have a daughter, so you can begin with her because, believe it or not, you are the most important person her life, or rather she will come of age that you WILL be the most important person in her life. It's just that neither of you would know that, so please listen carefully.

After puberty, daddy is the most important person in a girl's life by virtue of your gender. Even though it is society's general belief that men main influence boys and talk to their sons about the facts of life and women influence girls and talk to their daughters about the birds and the bees, it is actually opposite for girls. The reason is that it takes daddy to instill confidence in his daughter as only he can. Once your daughter turns 13 or 14 years old, you will play an extremely significant part in what becomes her self image. Like boys, she also is flanked by various images she will feel the need to try to live up to, and she will feel the need to succumb to peer pressure to do what is expected of her. But if she has the self esteem to think better of herself, then she will have the will power to resist giving in. And as an adult, she will be much less tolerant and less likely to "wrap her self esteem around a man's scrotum" to determine for herself who she is and what she will and will not tolerate. She will have those standards because you are the one who will instill them.

Unless you like the idea of the men in her life treating your little girl the way you treated your wife and allowing herself to be objectified, then from the time she turns 13, you must talk to her. Tell her she is beautiful because as long as daddy, being a man who will not use those words to take advantage, thinks she is beautiful then she will know that she is. Tell her she has worth and that she has value, so that she learns to value herself. Teach her to look out for men like those described in the links I gave you. Give them to her to read and remind her all the time so she knows what to scrutinize in her suitors. Tell her love is not supposed to hurt so she understands being battered is no display of love. Tell her love is not controlling so she understands she has her own free will and is capable of making her own decisions. And tell her love does not make you unhappy or make you feel bad about yourself so she refuses to accept the putdowns as factual. Tell her to never allow herself to be anyone's doormat and that she shouldn't remain in relationships where she is disrespected and treated badly. Be as honest with your daughter as you have been with us, and use your own experience as example. You don't have to tell her the things you did, but you can use them as hypothetical scenarios so she is able to visualize and conceive what you are talking about. You have a lot of years to build your daughter up. As the first man in her life, she already loves daddy. That makes daddy the best person to teach her what love means. It might not be that you envision playing ball with your daughter or taking her fishing and hunting but if you ever wondered what your role is in your daughter's life, this is it.

Not that you plan to address me personally but just in case you do, I want to let you know I expect I will be away from the computer for a while, so I extend my very best wishes to you and your wife.


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## Randall (Nov 11, 2010)

@sorry4everything after reading the first couple posts you made, I really felt like I was reading my own post. Going through a similar situation. Patients I think is gonna be key for both of us. I think we both will have to do our own thing for a while and show our wives we can Man Up. Its tough having patients! I didn't send her any text messages while she was at work like I have before and I cleaned the whole house yesterday lit some smelly candles. When we got home from picking her up at work I addressed her not doing her part around the house lately. Little bit after that I asked her for a hug, she gave me a hug and turned it in to a make out session initiated by her. She dropped her boundary she put up! Said she couldn't resist. So by doing little things like cleaning the house and not sending her a text all day while she was at work showed her space, freedom, while manning up to responsibilities. Trust me I'm dying inside just like you bro, just want to grab my wife and kiss her and touch her on a daily basis! All we can do is work on ourselves at this point and hope things pan out at the end!


@River1977 Amazing posts! Thank you


Edit: it will be a roller coaster of emotions!


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I agree that River is helping me understand a lot more about how a woman thinks and feels, and I thank her. 

Randall, I am not so lucky. I have done the same things as you but she just doesn't seem to care. Sometimes she will kiss me and tell me she loves me then the next second she avoids me like the plague and will not even tell me she loves me. I am taking in stride, I know what I have done. I have been going to therapy and was there today. It went well and I am seeing more and more what my issues are and I am working on them. I understand that it will not be an over night thing and that I am going to have to work at it. I actually talked to a friend today for the first time and he has known me for years, he said "sorry to say, but I saw it coming". I have not been really good to anyone in my life and I never realized it. I always thought it was a joke, really they were laughing because I was such an ahole. Truth of the matter is that I love my wife and I greatly regret what I have done. All I can do now is learn from my mistakes and never do it again. I am doing my best to keep my head up and I just hope she will give me a chance to make it up to her.


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## Randall (Nov 11, 2010)

River1977 said:


> Rent this movie and then buy this book
> 
> Walk Away Wife
> This article will give you a little bit of an idea of what your wife is going through. You might take advantage of the phone coaching the site offers.


Just rented this movie. I haven't had the chance to watch it yet. Wife rolled her eye when she seen what I rented because is a "preach about god" type movie lol

Walk Away Wife fits my wife exactly. Coaching is expensive! Really thinking about doing it though. At least once to see how it is then maybe more if its good.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

Ignore the Biblical references if you wish, or wife can, because the principles are universal. They are based on religious principle, but you wouldn't know that or make the connection if the Biblical references weren't there. 

If your insurance covers marriage counseling, then that might be best. The phone coaching especially comes in handy for those whose insurance doesn't cover counseling. That would be a lot more expensive to pay out of pocket than phone counseling on that site, which is about half as much as paying for marriage counseling. There are other sites that offer phone coaching/counseling over the phone. Some are advertised here and there's also MarriageBuilders.com that I know about to name a couple so you can compare prices. Where walk away wife is concerned, I tend to place more faith in that particular site because she wrote the article and is, therefore, already familiar. It's up to you though.


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## Mrs.LonelyGal (Nov 8, 2010)

River1977, these are amazing posts. You hit the nail on the head again and again. Especially the Daddy stuff and women's self esteem being wrapped up in how they are perceived by the important men in their lives.
I want to say exactly what you have posted to my husband and may father.
Thank you for sharing your story, sorry4everything. I hope you can truly heal your marriage and continue to try and better yourself.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I need to work on me before I can help to get this marriage back to where it should be. We have talked and it was tough at first. The tables have been completely turned, now she is playing the role that I was. During our talk she began acting like me and, for once, it hurt me. I know that I deserve it to a point, but I am not as strong as she is and I cannot take it. I told her that same thing and just walked away from her when she acted like that. I know I am no expert, but it seems to me that behavior like that can consume you with out you even noticing. The next morning was a little better. She is a runner and I got up with her at 6 in the morning to support her at her race. It was freezing cold, raining, and windy, but I was glad to be there for her. Before the race I was basically her coat boy and she walked off with out saying a word........I was heartbroken. After she walked off and was waiting for the race to start she came back to where I was. I was so excited, like the first time I met her, I thought she was coming to give me a kiss and hug and tell me she loved me. Turns out there was a delay and she just wanted her coat and to stand under my umbrella, she once again just walked away. After she walked away I was once again heartbroken. I forgot to mention that I had only every been to one of her races before, I was never supportive, but I am now. We got home and once again had a bit of an argument. We did the whole thanksgiving thing at both sides of the family and things seemed better. After the dinners we came home for an hour and I went to my family and she went with her mom and sister to shop all night. While we were apart last night and today, we text a lot like we used to and it felt good. She just got home a little bit ago and things seem OK. She does not feel good, probably from lack of sleep, so I don't expect much. Things are getting better and I understand that it is a long hard road, but I am excited. I hope things work and it seems like there is a chance for us after all. I am going to continue work work on me and if I am a happy person maybe it will spread to her and we can renew our love we once had.


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## Randall (Nov 11, 2010)

@sorry4everything i think the hardest thing for me right now is not being able to get attention when i want it and not being able to give it. Little things that hurt and make me yearn for it. I feel like im in love with her all over again and want to make things right but she has the Wal-Away wife syndrome where she thinks if she drops her boundary things will go back to how they were. It's hard to deal with that but I understand where she is coming from. I often feel like smothering her but stop myself. I do try to play with her more by tickling but Ive been pushing to much. This is a hard thing. I just got done watching that movie River posted "Fireproof" this is an amazing movie and I recommend it! Though not all things were exact to whats going on with my marriage but a lot of things were. Tomorrow I plan to go buy the book from the movie called "The Love Dare".

I feel horrible how I treated my wife. Very selfish. But I've never felt more committed to doing the right thing now. I see that you are going through what i am going through so I find it interesting to read your post because I feel like I wrote it. 

Anyways pick up that movie, its really good.

@River1977 Thank you so much for posting the information you did about the Walk-Away wife, the movie, and the book.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I am still very lost in what is happening with myself and my wife. It has been two weeks now and things seem to be going ok. I have been doing everything in my power to help and make things easier. She tells me she loves me and kisses me now, which is fantastic. Things are not back to normal yet. I cannot understand how you can say you love someone and not act like it. I know that she is still angry even though she says she isn't. All the times I was angry at her and wanted to leave, a day later I back to normal. The way that she is acting makes it hard for me to believe. I love her and I go through the pain of a broken heart everyday. I have lost almost 20lbs in two weeks. I am lost, I am taking what I can get and I appreciate all of it. I love her and I am doing all I can, that is all I can do. I know it will be a long hard road, I understand, but how can anyone do this with not much in return. I am not as strong as she is and I am crumbling. I am going to therapy and it helps a little, she is not really interested in MC. The part that is hardest for me is that I am laid off and all she keeps saying is get a job and things will get better. The job I am looking at is two hours away, I will have to move without her and my daughter. She says I am paranoid, but it seems like she wants me to go so it will be easier. I don't dare say anything about that to her or she flips out. Most women think that men don't care, but sometimes I think we are more sensitive, we just don't show it. Men are trained all their life to be strong and never show weakness. I am destroyed, but I put on a happy face and push through.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Ok...first...the FIRST time you threatened to leave me, I'd have gladly showed you the door. That's a game that shouldn't be played. Hopefully you truly know that now. River has given you dead on advice. CONTINUE with counseling. You are an emotional abuser who got caught finally. I have to wonder if you have what it takes for the long haul? Already you're asking "how long". How long? Until. Until she has full confidence in you that you ARE indeed a changed man and aren't going to revert to past behaviors. And that WILL take time, believe me. You keep saying that you know it will take time, but you sound impatient. You're not there yet. 

You don't understand how someone can say you love someone and not act like it. You're still there, brother...she feels something for you. She's just not ready to let her guard down yet. Has nothing to do with being angry. She might be harboring some resentment that you treated her so badly for so long. PROBABLY is harboring resentment. Maybe angry at herself for allowing it. She's going to test you to see if you've really changed. TIME. Some refer to it as a four letter word. It can actually be your best friend. You really don't want to push. The outcome might not be what you expect. 

For those that think that lighting some smelly candles and doing a bit of housework is going to do the trick, let me assure you...IT WON'T. All it would do is make me suspicious. I would be waiting for the other shoe to fall. You have to see REAL change..the person actively seeking counsel to get to the issues and root them out. Deal with them. 

I'd like to know when we started blaming our childhoods for our personal shortcomings? NO ONE I KNOW had a perfect childhood. Few had good ones. Most had bad ones. They dealt. They deal. Can you have residual effects from a tormented childhood? Sure. But where in your childhood did you learn to be an emotional abuser? Were you given too much power at too young an age? Who knows? Only yourself and a really good therapist can get to the bottom of that. And if you don't get to the bottom, you WILL repeat history. 

She taught you a lesson by leaving. Don't be one of those that gets comfortable again when you feel that she's going to stay. You'll revert to past behaviors if you don't fix what causes you to do the things you do anyway. 

Absolutely giving her a curfew is a form of control. She's not 14. You keep that kind of stranglehold on her and you're going to watch her bust out in a big way. We can take only so much. When she goes silent and stops talking to you about things or issues, that's when you need to watch out. She's had enough.

I do want to tell you that I appreciate your candor and honesty. That's not an easy thing for some people to do. And you've had a coupla 2x4's come at you from River. But it's sound advice, and thoughtful insight. Now..what do you plan on doing?


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> I cannot understand how you can say you love someone and not act like it.


She wondered that exact same thing for.......how many years??? I said the same in my first post. All the while what you showed her was the opposite of love because love is NOT mean and cruel and heartless. You killed your wife every single time because she died inside with each of your heartless actions and hateful words. There were days she spent crying and hardly able to make it through. There were just as many days she felt too weak and broken to produce tears.



sorry4everything said:


> I know it will be a long hard road, I understand, but how can anyone do this with not much in return.


You really are only thinking about yourself. Doesn't that sound familiar? There is no change in you, S4E. I told you before you cannot change until you understand what you did to your wife, but you still have no understanding because you are still making everything all about you. Once again, this is not about you.

All your wife needed from you was kindness, but she didn't get that for.......how many years??? She gave you her love, but what did she get in return? For how many years??? 

You have ignored everything I stated here, when I really hoped I was getting through. I feel so useless. hmmmm Wonder how hopeless your wife feels?



sorry4everything said:


> The part that is hardest for me is that I am laid off and all she keeps saying is get a job and things will get better. The job I am looking at is two hours away, I will have to move without her and my daughter. She says I am paranoid, but it seems like she wants me to go so it will be easier.


Stop thinking about yourself, and for once think about your wife and what she needs. Right now, she is telling you what she needs. Will counseling help you learn how to listen? 

You have failed miserably at being a husband. What seems dreadful to me is the woman still loves you. Like I said before, she is struggling with her own feelings and comparing that with everything you showed her all these years - that you DO NOT love her. With every meaness, heartlessness, and cruelty, you told and showed her that you do not love her. She finds it incredibly difficult to reconcile that fact within herself, and that is her struggle. Every time she thinks about you, she remembers your cruelty, which was not love by any standard.

Now, she is struggling to find what her own mental and emotional survival requires. She wants to be loved but not from the man who clearly does not love her. Even though he says he does, he has never shown love and has, in fact, shown her he does NOT love her. Now he says he wants to change, so what could it possibly take for her to gain/regain/maintain some semblance of respect for herself and for him.

Well, you failed at everything else, and the only thing left is to be the provider that most women expect a man to be. It might not be so important to her that you provide for your family. But, it has become of utmost importance that you prove you CAN provide and that you are willing to do whatever it takes. 

You SAY you love your wife. You SAY you want your marriage. You SAY you have changed, but she needs you to stop talking and step up.

Seriously now. What have you been to her.......for how many years??? And what are you now? She still is not getting anything from you - nothing that garners her respect, nothing that keeps her love alive or even sparks it, nothing that gives her hope. But you want her to fall into your arms and make mad passionate love to prove herself to YOU......because you expect "I'm sorry" to make the booboo better. All right, S4E, keep hoping. Keep sitting there sulking and feeling sorry for YOUrself. Keep dwelling on what YOU are not getting. Keep wishing you could get what YOU want without having to be a husband to your wife. You are not being sensitive. You are being selfish.....as usual.

I am not your wife, so I certainly cannot make you any promises or guarantees. I cannot say there is anything at all you can do to save your marriage. For all I know and you probably suspect, your wife might be trying to push you away. I have no idea. I only know she needs you to step up and prove what you say and to show her there exists somewhere within you even an inkling of what she expects of her man. After all, you are the one SAYing it. When she told you to leave, she had already given up since you failed so badly. Now you SAY a whole lot but are proving none of it. You are even showing us here that you're about ready to give up because it is just soooo much more than your poor, sensitive soul can possibly bear. So go ahead and give up then. Spare yourself all the heartache you caused yourself. Spare yourself the responsibility of any expectations your wife may have. And please, I beg of you, spare your wife of all your talk and no actions. For her sake and on her behalf, I can't take any more.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

What am I supposed to do? I mean people just want to sit there and bash me. I am doing all that I can. You make no sense at all. I am the most horrible person in the history of time for wanting the same thing she did for years. Yet, it is ok for her to treat me the same way I did her? Because two rights make a wrong? I understand I made her that way, but I am an idiot to say that my childhood made me this way? I have said many times on here that I never realized what I was doing. Say what you want, but I know the truth. Yes your childhood can effect your when you are older. I never thought that it could, but I now see what people were talking about. I went to therapy and did some test a couple of years ago and they told me I was a parentified child, google it. I could not have feelings, nor did I, until I met my wife. I was always taking care of my mom and sisters, even as adults. I would have continued therapy then, but we could not afford it then. Point is that I have never felt pain before now. I am looking for some support, not a bashing. I have admitted my wrongs and I am doing my best to fix them. I know it is hard for some of you to understand, but I HAVE NEVER FELT SADNESS BEFORE!!!! This is a new emotion for me, I have no idea how to handle it. I have seen family and friends die in front of me and never shed a tear. I have been heartless and hard most of my life. I am happy, neutral, or angry those are the only ones I could feel until now. I want to change, but everyone gets support, I do not. I do not share my life with friends or family, they have tier own problems and don't need mine. Everyone has seen a dramatic change in me the last couple of weeks except her. I am being trying to give space, but I have all kinds of emotion to deal with that I never have before. I am fighting everyday to not let it all just turn to rage like I always have or just put it in back and not care anymore. This is a whole new world to me and I am lost. Like I said I am looking support not a bashing. Please forgive me for not being a perfect person, if I had a time machine I would go back and fix it all. If any of you have one that I can borrow that would be great. Thanks for the salt in the wounds ladies.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I am not going to put salt in your wounds (or I hope you will not see it that way). 

I did not read this whole exchange, but I noticed you seem like you truly want to change, then praised River in the beginning, and now feel she is dumping on you. I missed much inbtween, so she is more on top of your story. Forgive me for not reading all of this. 

I would say, regardless of how your wife is treating you now, if you truly want to turn this around, I feel you should accually be EXPECTING some of the grief she is giving you, but stand the course, if you havent picked up the "Love Dare" , get a copy and make it your goal to get through these pages -no matter what she throws at you. This is a tremendous test on your "new" character that you are striving for. 

In due time, if you stay the course and she truly feels you have changed- by your actions and through TIME, she WILL come around. But if you bail now, you will be letting yourself down and her down again, this is probably what she is expecting. ONLY you can prove her wrong.

Tough Love, learn from your critics, what these women are expressing is your wife's pain. I think you need to see this, almost FEEL it -before you can "understand" why she is acting the way she is. 

This will take TIME , patience & perseverance . Can you bear it? is she worth it ? is your marraige worth it ?


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Well........I am trying and never did I say that I was going to run away. I am simply saying how hard it is for me, I am going to change. I cannot stay mad at anyone for very long, I don't understand how she can? If someone tells me they are sorry I will forgive them. My uncle who has hated me and treated me like **** my entire life, decided that he wanted to change and apologized to me. I forgave him that day and things are good with us now. I understand that is a different situation, but it is similar. What I do not understand is, how does it make it right for her to treat me the same way I treated her? Why is everyone saying that it is fine for her treat me like trash? It was wrong of me, I see that, but why is it not wrong for her? The tables have turned and she is the tyrant now. She has no respect for me and seems to be using me for a whipping boy and I do it with a smile. Everyone says she is a idiot for being with me when I treated her like this, yet everyone tells me to stick it out? So what I gather is that it is OK for women to act like they don't love their man, but if it is the other way around, time for some man bashing. I am doing my best, thank you. I am not angry, just confused and scared, 2 new emotions to me.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

No one is TRYING to bash you. If you would look at things, then you might see that we're literally trying to shake some sense into you. The only way we know how. I personally don't come in and tell someone what they want to hear. I may try to shake you up and get you to thinking. You're being told the truth, and it doesn't seem as if you can handle it. You refuse to see things from your wife's point of view. 

If you continue, you will very likely be divorced. Sorry. I tried.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

sorry4everything said:


> I cannot stay mad at anyone for very long, I don't understand how she can? If someone tells me they are sorry I will forgive them. My uncle who has hated me and treated me like **** my entire life, decided that he wanted to change and apologized to me.


No everyone is as forgiving. I will compare ME with a friend of mine. She never says anything to hurt anyone, she feels any bad things that come out of our mouths can never be truly taken back, and guess what, she rarely forgives her friends that hurt her, leaving them in the dust when things go sour. 

Once I said something that was heartless about her-but I was upset (we tend to release garbage sometimes), I had to almost kiss her Butt to get her back in my graces. But I humbled myself cause the relationship was worth it for me. I , on the other hand , can say & do some horrendous things when I am angry, but I, like yourself, am very very quick to forgive others, probably because I am aware of my own shortcomings. This helps. But not everyone looks at forgiving the same as us. 

Now that friend I am referring too, she always buried her pain, not unleashing it, hiding it from everyone , putting on a smile while dying inside. This is completly foreign to me personally, I have to let off steam. I learned years later, she used to "cut" herself. 

Is your wife the type that HID her pain from you all these years, she let you use her as a doormat , a punching bag? If so, she has a ton of unreleashed resentment and hurt buried inside of her. Maybe this is her way NOW -- of getting back at you. I am not saying it is right, but it could very well be a TEST. When someone hurts us excrusiatingly and for long long periods of time, we often want to Test them to see if they are now genuine. 

I do not feel you should expect your wife to jump back so willingly into forgiving you 100% and being Mrs, Kindness -if you have dished out utter HELL at her feet for the last umteen years. 

Most on here do not describe themselves near as badly as they TRULY ARE in real life. We tend to overlook our own flaws. You have made it sound REALLY bad. You are blessed that she has taken you back. Do not expect too much too fast.

Tell us-- give examples.... what are YOU doing to show abounding love in the face of adversity - I want to hear some of your New Loving actions --- and her Reactions , to get a taste of what you are talking about.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

I cannot list everything that I have changed about myself. I do 10x the amount of things around the house than I used to. I have sent her flowers at work, got her a card, rub her back, jump every time she says anything, and I try to do it all with a smile. I am being the husband she always wanted. I have changed everything that she has told me she hated about me. I love her and I am fighting more battles than just trying to keep her happy. I am trying to fix myself, our relationship, and making amends with other friends that I have effected. Also understand that these are all new emotions to me, they are greatly effecting me. Unlike most people I cannot remember ever feeling like this. I haven't shown pain or sadness before, I do not understand these emotions, I am trying. I am going to therapy working on these things. I am just going to try and continue working on it. If she is here great, but if she gives up on me (I think she already has) then I will deal with it.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

I don't know that anyone stated it's okay for your wife to treat you the way you treated her. I sure never said it, nor did I imply any such a thing. It's your whimpering that got to me. How often did she whimper? Okay fine, you said you are not as strong as she is, but still.....

I think you need to again read my first response to you. You need the reminder that she is not treating you any kind of way. She is responding to your treatment of her, and she is struggling with loving you and knowing how badly you treated her. You want support, but I don't see that. I only see you saying it. You refuse to understand what she's going through. You refuse to do anything except come here and complain. Randall said he already watched the movie I suggested. What have you done? You came back several times to complain about how hard dealing with your wife's resentment is on you. Randall said the movie is good, and he's going to purchase the book, but what are you planning to do? 

Would it just happen to be that the movie/book might require that you DO something? Is that the reason you have not done anything to take steps towards making amends and getting your wife back. Counseling is for YOU and helps YOU, but what is for your wife? What benefit is she supposed to reap, or what sense of security and trust will she be able to rely on? Just your apology to make everything okay? 

Read my first post again, please, but more objectively this time. And read my last one again with more objectivity. I didn't attack you or rub salt into your wound. I just didn't kiss your booboo and rub your head. I'm not going to do that. I keep trying to help you understand what your wife is going through and what she needs from you, and why you are going through your own personal hell. It's up to you to do something about it. I never said it would be easy. It's time to grow up and fight for what you believe in......or give up because you don't have a fight for life in you. Either way, I wish you'd stop whimpering.

Just a suggestion of of something you might try is to tell your wife the things you have told us. Pour your heart and bare your soul. She needs to hear it. Whether she slaps you against the wall or whether she forgives, forgets, and you both start anew is up to her. But don't be afraid to tell her how you feel. I'm sorry doesn't cut the mustard. Actions do and it helps if she can at least see you have a heart.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Maybe I am not being clear enough. I understand what you are saying. I am changing and with out you knowing me you have no idea. She has been reading these and they mean nothing to her. It is what it is, I guess. Nobody said it was ok for her, but you all say I should expect it. I have never kissed ass in my life and I am now. What might seem like 10% to you is 110% to me. I also need time to learn. Therapy may only be helping ME right now, but if given the chance it will help US. So if is to be expected that I be treated badly, when does the cycle end? You seem to have the answers to everything and my therapist can't answer me. 

Example : I treated her bad, she gets pissed and leaves me. I then work hard and she continues to treat me bad until I get pissed and leave her. Then, guess what? The cycle starts again.

Wait a minute....I am a MAN! the one that started it all, so that means I just have to accept being treated bad until she gets over it, then I have to be ok with it. So in short you are all saying she can be mad as long as she wants. I was never allowed to be angry and act like that because I am a man? But, because she is a woman and I started it, everything is ok. 

I have learned that people respond better to rewards not beatings. I know that none of you really understand all that is going on. So go ahead and to continue to tell me to suck it up, because I am a man. I feel that if I were a female it would be all hugs and kisses, but because of my gender it is jabs and punches. I am on here trying to voice myself because I have nobody to talk to, if I wanted to be treated like an idiot I would just talk to her. I thank you all for your earlier responses, they were actually informative. I am going to continue therapy and continue my punishment, we will see where I get. I never said to forgive and forget, I believe in forgiving, but I don't think you should ever forget.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Hey there S4E. I think I can shed some light on your wifes behavior. with most abuse victims, they are so used to the abuse that they do something they know will push buttons just to get it over with. your wife is probably mirroring your old behavior and waiting for.you to revert back to it. Helpful, no. but it is common. I would honestly tell her "wow, I didn't realize that was how I was speaking to you. I am so embarrassed by it now that I see it directed at me."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

OK, I haven't read the responses but, seriously, you were awful to her for FOUR YEARS and you expect things to change in a week? Talk to your therapist about "narcissism" and "lack of empathy," because it is hard to believe a normal person could expect ANYTHING to change in a week.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

You're saying it again, but no one says she should treat you badly, nor that you have to accept/tolerate it, nor that there should be a repeating cycle of abuse. 

Like you said, we are not there, so I don't really know how your wife is treating you badly. In our initial exchanges, you gave the impression she wasn't responding to your apologies and promises to change. I tried to explain what she was going through and that it will take time for her to recover, if she ever recovers, and take you back as her husband to resume the marital relationship. 

More recently, you keep telling us she is abusing you, treating you the way you treated her. I think I understand you now. DawnD relates it to the abuse cycle, but it has nothing to do with abusive relationships necessarily. It is human nature for people to want revenge and will take advantage of opportunity or create opportunity whenever they can, just like you did. This simply means people - everyone - will be abusive when and if they can. Your wife CAN now, and she feels she has good reason. You're even telling us she reads this thread, so she feels validated now and is quite enjoying herself. Unfortunately, this means she has lost respect for you.

However, NO ONE should tolerate abuse. She should not have put up with your abuse. She should have thrown you out of the house when you first began. And now, that is exactly what you should do. Leave or ask her to leave. You were getting confused, and maybe that is because we are having a hard time following along. I think I understand now because I did not get the message. I thought she simply was not responding to you. I thought you were whimpering because you want her to accept your apology and suddenly flip the script to accommodate you. She never, ever has to accept your apology if she doesn't want to. She never, ever has to forgive you and move on to restore the marital relationship. If that is what you both want, then you have to understand it will take time. It doesn't matter how quickly you can forgive and let things drop. You cannot project or apply your philosophies to her. 

But if that is not what you are saying, and you're actually trying to tell us she is verbally/emotionally/mentally (or even physically) abusing you, then no one has right or reason to tell you to accept that. The only advice to give, if that is the case, is for you to ask her to leave or you leave if she won't. At that time, the two of you can begin working on the marriage if you both still want the marriage. She will have to accept the fact that marriage counseling is necessary. If she refuses counseling, the best thing for you to do is move on with your life.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Things are going better for us. She has been starting some things, like she kisses me, and hugs me, and touches me. It means a huge amount and makes me feel like I am doing the right thing by staying here. I am still scared and confused. I sometimes forget that she still is angry at me. Things are looking up and tomorrow is another day. One thing that worries me is that I feel like I am hiding feelings from her. I think about some things that are bothering me that I cannot mention to her, she will freak out. I am just sitting here with a smile on my face, while inside I am going crazy. I really don't have anyone to talk to about any of these things. How can I deal with these thoughts in my head that I will never know the answers to? I am handling it ok right now, but I am now in fear of hiding emotions. I do not want to let things build into an explosion again, but I can't talk about them either. I am not saying poor me, I am saying help me to do the right thing. She told me that I am going ten steps forward, then I open my mouth and go 50 steps back. I am not pushing her or anything I am just mentioning things that are bothering me. I have a new understanding of "walking on eggshells", I never understood what she meant till now. I am learning a lot and plan on learning more. I just want to be clear I am not asking for pity, I just need advice on how to handle my feelings.


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## 76Trombones (Jun 2, 2010)

To the original poster:

I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. You made your bed and now you are going to have to lie in it. I'm sorry to be so harsh but this is the reality you need to deal with. Kudos to your wife for standing up for her self respect and doing what she did! It takes a HELL of a lot of guts for a neglected, emotionally abused wife to do what your wife did. You go girl! She is a very strong woman at heart.

As for you, however, I think you need to just leave and get on with your life. You burnt this bridge, and now you can learn from it and never, ever do the same thing to anyone again in future. Humble pie... must taste really bitter.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Trombones, you have no idea what you are talking about. If you read anything you might see the bigger picture here. I am not asking for any sympathy. I am trying to do the right thing by my wife. You can burn a thousand bridges and they will remain burnt, until you get off your ass and go rebuilt them. I am not giving up, there are like 30 posts on here about this and you are the only one saying that. If my wife really wanted me gone I would be. Truth is that she knows I love her and I think she still loves me. If she really did not want to be with me she would leave. Her parents have a 5 bedroom house that she can go to at any point, right down the street, she hasn't. You are right humble pie tastes horrible, I have eaten a lot of it the last couple of weeks..............but I'm still here. Again just to clear it up I AM NOT LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY. I am trying to do what is best for my wife and daughter. Leaving my family without trying is not the right thing to do.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What are the things going on in your head that are bothering you? What are you saying to your wife when her response is 'you take 50 steps back'?


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Really I can't ask her anything. I can't ask her how she is feeling or anything like that. I feel like there is a huge elephant in the room and I am the only one that can see it. We have always talked about how we were feeling and would just get it over, we don't do that now. I am trying my best, but this is totally different for us. I have other feelings that I don't care to discuss openly, I am just asking for any ideas to keep them in. Also, can I keep them in without adverse effects later? I just need to learn to keep my mouth shut and be happy, any tips.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The reason I asked is primarily because I am not sure keeping them in will be healthy for you or your marriage in the long-term, depending on what is bothering you.

I do think you are dealing with a lot of things all at once...job search, wife feeling done and you starting to feel sad, scared being new emotions for you. I get that it must be very difficult for you right now.

What I would not discuss with your wife right now: 

Anything from the past that you would deem 'her fault' .... meaning, as you reflect back, there may be things where you know you did wrong but can see she wasn't perfect either...there is likely some truth in that but now is not the time to go there.

Wanting to discuss the relationship/marriage all of the time. It is draining for both of you to keep rehashing everything, so I'm not saying you shouldn't be communicating but maybe suggest a day/time once a week where you can be alone and talk about your marriage stuff...and don't talk about it the rest of the time...it may bring her some relief.

And since I'm not sure what's bothering you, I'll throw this out there too...if you are not having sex since this all transpired and you would like to...I would not push anything at this point...this is where patience will be tested and it will also show that you have more love and concern for her right now and are willing to put your needs on the back-burner.

You are early into all of this so don't expect it will be like this forever...and no, you should not take poor treatment from her nor should she have from you over the years but give her some time to get used to the new you ... when she says/does things expecting to get a reaction from you based on how you used to be, and she doesn't get that reaction, over time she will realize that guy is long gone.

Are these things you can write out in a journal or discuss in therapy? Sometimes just talking out your feelings helps, even if it's not directly to your wife, just to get them out of your head.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

76Trombones said:


> To the original poster:
> 
> I have no sympathy for you whatsoever. You made your bed and now you are going to have to lie in it. I'm sorry to be so harsh but this is the reality you need to deal with.
> 
> As for you, however, I think you need to just leave and get on with your life. You burnt this bridge, and now you can learn from it and never, ever do the same thing to anyone again in future. Humble pie... must taste really bitter.


If I may interject here, not that you asked for my opinion, but I don't think this is helpful at all. I think it's rather counterproductive. I have no doubt there are plenty of us women who would like to let this guy have it with both barrels because we regret tolerating this same kind of treatment, and some of us are still living this nightmare. However, dumping on him won't help his marriage and won't help other men like him who are reading.



sorry4everything said:


> You can burn a thousand bridges and they will remain burnt, until you get off your ass and go rebuilt them. I am not giving up . . .


I'm not exactly sure where to begin, so I'll just start with saying you are exactly right that you have to get off your ass. You have to do something. You say you don't want pity, but you keep posting the poor me mantra. You want to know how to deal with this and keep asking for ways to help you cope, but you've already been given a starting point and have not done that. That will help you a lot and will help your marriage a lot if your wife is open to it. And, there are other suggestions we could offer that will help, but you have to do more than complain and whimper.

You are beginning to sound like a troll to me - someone starting a thread to get attention and finding ways and things to say to keep it going. Asking your wife how she's feeling would not receive a response like "you take 50 steps back." I feel like you should have been able to give Swedish a better answer. OR, you wife doesn't want to hear a sound from you. Come to think of it, you didn't address my last response, so we still have no idea what is going on with you and your wife, or what you meant by your previous statements. We just keep getting your complaints and requests for help that you don't want. We address them as they come, and then you switch directions again. Very trollish behavior and very suspect.

You should have asked your wife by now but if you haven't, then ask her now if she wants to work on the marriage.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

The reason for my direction change is because I am very confused. I get a lot of mixed signals from her and I am trying to do what she needs in those moments. To say that I am confused is putting mildly. I am not trying to get attention and I am sorry if it seems like I am wimpering. I don't mean for it to seem that way, I caused all of this. I am just trying to not make things worse. I am in the process of changing everything about myself and I am trying to do as you say, but it is hard. She has been better the past couple of days. I do not bring up our relationship and I am just letting her have control. You are right that after time things will work out. I am realizing that by trying to talk to her I am pushing. I have just been letting her come to me and she has been. As far as her abusing me, well I guess some may look at it that way. I see her being the way I was and that was not good behavior. I have always provided (well) for my family, never got physical, and never cheated. I thought that was all there was to being a husband and thanks to all of you and her I realize that there is a lot more. I have never really talked to anyone and that is why I seem to suck so bad at it. I have a hard time with feelings and that can't help either. I am listening to what you are saying even if it seems like I am not. I love her and I am doing my best. I just worry about hiding feelings, I have a lot that runs through my mind. I know they my thoughts seem random and all over the place, they are just that to me. I can just stop posting, but I am really trying here. It is not like I can expect her to change over night, she needs time and so do I.


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## lemonade (Oct 18, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> The reason for my direction change is because I am very confused. I get a lot of mixed signals from her and I am trying to do what she needs in those moments. To say that I am confused is putting mildly. I am not trying to get attention and I am sorry if it seems like I am wimpering. I don't mean for it to seem that way, I caused all of this. I am just trying to not make things worse. I am in the process of changing everything about myself and I am trying to do as you say, but it is hard. She has been better the past couple of days. I do not bring up our relationship and I am just letting her have control. You are right that after time things will work out. I am realizing that by trying to talk to her I am pushing. I have just been letting her come to me and she has been. As far as her abusing me, well I guess some may look at it that way. I see her being the way I was and that was not good behavior. I have always provided (well) for my family, never got physical, and never cheated. I thought that was all there was to being a husband and thanks to all of you and her I realize that there is a lot more. I have never really talked to anyone and that is why I seem to suck so bad at it. I have a hard time with feelings and that can't help either. I am listening to what you are saying even if it seems like I am not. I love her and I am doing my best. I just worry about hiding feelings, I have a lot that runs through my mind. I know they my thoughts seem random and all over the place, they are just that to me. I can just stop posting, but I am really trying here. It is not like I can expect her to change over night, she needs time and so do I.


That's right, you both will need time and lots, I mean, LOTS of patience. If you love each other enough you will work through it. Except, both of you need to be COMPLETELY honest and respectful of one another--treat her as you would like to be treated, put yourself in her shoes once in a while. If you want to go all out, tell her about this thread, explain it to her, and then show her this complete thread. I would be impressed if my husband did something like this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sorry,

It sounds like you're afraid of her reactions.

That's not a long term solution.


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

Well, things seem to be a lot better now. We are interacting much better and hopefully things get better from here. I know that she has not really forgave me or forgotten, I do not ever expect her to. What I did to this amazing woman was horrible and I will never do it again. I am sure you have all heard that before, and I have said it to her a million times. This time it is different, I have never felt pain like this before, and I now know how it feels. I think I am the luckiest man in the world and I will never forget that. I know that I am not out of the woods yet, but I am glad to know things are going in the right direction. 

I would like to thank all of you that have helped so much. It is a hard concept to grasp, but I was smothering her with love. I pulled my head out of her ass and she came to me (slowly). I still want to show her more love, but it is going to take time for her to allow that. I was basically overloading her, which I think was making me look very suspect. I just kinda freaked out and was going way to fast. You were right, I listened and finally realized what you were talking about. By pushing I was delaying the process, very hard concept to grasp. I truly have so much more respect for her after feeling a fraction of what I have put her through. I feel so bad for any woman that is or ever has gone through a situation like she did. It is crazy how many men act like that.....It still makes me sick that I have been that much of an idiot. I am going to continue to work and be a better man to my wife. Again thank all of you that were tough, but fair.


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## loren (Sep 13, 2010)

sorry4everything said:


> I cannot understand how you can say you love someone and not act like it.


I am sure someone has already called you out on this one, but just to reiterate: this is EXACTLY how your wife has felt for the last 4+ years. This pain you're going through, multiply it by that length of time and intensity.:scratchhead: Keep doing what you're doing, but when she's nursed a hurt for so many years, and asked herself that question over and over, she can't just bounce back into trusting someone. It will take time.


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## heatherlindsay (Sep 1, 2010)

You seem like a good guy. She will probably take you back. A lot of men do'nt acknowledge when they hurt someone emotionally and the relationship gets ruined because of it. You hold more cards then you think


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## sorry4everything (Nov 23, 2010)

That was the problem, I never acknowledge it and my relationship was ruined. I was not a good guy, but I am working on that. I know it is going to take some time for her to come back totally. I do not think she will ever forget and that is ok with me. I love her and I am going to keep working. I now know that they mean when people say "you don't know what you had till it is gone". I now know that I am blessed with a incredible wife and I will never take her for granted again.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Most women think that men don't care said:


> :iagree: with you on this one. I'm finding out lately that my husband is much more sensitive about some issues than I am - feels like the shoe is on the other foot now - things appears to cut him more deeply than I thought.
> 
> I'm not on here to bash you. We ALL make mistakes, some worse than others, but we are all human and not without faults. The fact that you have recognized and accept your mistakes, own up to them and are actively trying to change them gives you a thumbs up in my book. :smthumbup:
> 
> ...


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## gtsanchez (Sep 26, 2010)

I know that a lot of posters have been a bit tough on you, but most are trying to give you some "tough love". I wanted to encourage you as someone who has gone through a similar scenario. My insecurities caused me to inadvertently hurt my wife (maried 23 years) to the point that I almost lost her. I got a second chance with her, but it took almost losing her to finally make permanent changes in my outlook on things. 

It has been very long and very hard work, but it IS possible. You are going to have to (as you have heard over and over) be VERY PATIENT, VERY MOTIVATED, and VERY DETERMINED. It takes a very long time to develop new habits. You will have to develop new strategies for overcoming you old ways of thinking. You have had these ways of thinking of your wife, yourself, and your relationship for a very LONG time, and they don't change quickly. You have to be very persistant and cognizant of your own thoughts and actions. You will have to learn to recognize when you are thinking or acting like you have done in the past and then develop ways of stopping yourself from going down the paths you used to go down. It is not easy, but you CAN do it with enough self-motivation. You will not need to change WHO you are, but rather HOW you think about things and act on your thoughts. You are going to have to ONLY look at things through your wife's eyes and put your own wants and desires on the back burner for a while. You need to worry about working on YOURSELF before you even worry about intimacy with your wife. She will not trust you for a long time unfortunately, but that is how it is. 

Don't get discouraged when you make mistakes. You do not need to be perfect, but you do need to recognize and learn from your mistikes. Learn to love yourself while you work on changing the things that need changing. Here is a link that may help you (it did me): 
How To Love Yourself In 17 Ways

You are going to feel that your needs and wants are not being met. You cannot worry about that right now. She NEEDS to heal right now and cannot worry about YOUR needs at the time. That will come in time, but only if you do not push things. You need to develop good empathy skills and look at things only from her point of view right now. Try some cognitive therapy (there are lots of good books out there on this), and find a therapist that you are comfortable with. 

You can do this! Just keep working, be patient, and believe in yourself (and her). I can tell you that it is all worth it in the end. I fell that I am a much better person (with or without my wife) through the work I have done. Every day I am so thankful that I did not lose my wonderful wife, and you will be glad if you keep working. Again, believe in yourself!!!


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