# Unhappy and don't know what to do about it!



## mrspink (Oct 17, 2011)

I am 20 yrs old and have been married for 2 years with a 4 month old son. My husband recently just got back from a deployment to afganistan about 2 weeks ago. Things just ARE not the same. He barely gives me any attention or affection. We have had the talk about how its not working and nothing seems to change. The whole year he was gone i was unhappy of course and i thought him coming home would make everything better. I don;t know what else to do but i cannot be this uphappy for to much longer. DO you think im overreacting to everything and just need to give him some space and time?


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## lisa3girls (Apr 6, 2011)

Maybe he needs time... that is a HUGE adjustment for everyone. I wonder if you built up the homecoming in your mind and he may not remember how to be attached... I feel for you both and by the way please thank him for serving our country.


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

He definitely needs space and time. Have you tried to reach out to some of the older wives in his unit? They will be able to share with you in ways that others won't understand in regard to living in a military marriage. Don't give up so quickly yet, and don't pressure him. What he just spent the last year of his life living with probably isn't something he can shake off in just a couple of weeks. See what support the base offers for getting readjusted after deployment.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

Please see my response to a similar post here. Some of that might pertain to your situation.

The hardest part of war, is coming home. While on deployment, both spouses change immensely as they become accustomed to functioning without each other. Many couples believe that once the spouse returns, all problems will be solved. However, coming home is just another part of the process.

If your husband saw combat, then as Mindful Coach has said, he will need his space while he processes that. He will process it in his own way. He may withdraw, drink a lot (a whole, whole lot), explode at seemingly unimportant things, and start crying at oddball times for apparently no reason, or at least he won't tell you what it is. The best thing you can do is to be there for him in whatever way he needs. That means if he wants to be by himself, you let him. If he wants you to hold him while he cries, hold him. If he becomes abusive, you need to call the MPs/SPs.

If he ever decides to open up to you about anything that happened, do not judge him. Don't even comment on what he says, just listen. What he reveals may shock you, horrify you, or scare you out of your mind. Don't let him see that. Just let him talk, and when he's done, smile, thank him for opening up to you, and tell him that you love him and are proud of him.

Regardless of whether or not your husband saw combat, you both need time to adjust to being a family again. It won't happen overnight, or even within a couple weeks. It may take several months for you guys to learn to be married again.

You're very young. Judging by your post, it sounds like you guys got married as soon as you graduated high school and he likely went into the military at that time or had already been. Unfortunately, we see time and again that many people your age are not mature enough to handle this situation (and I mean both the military member and the spouse). Understand that getting through this patch in your marriage is going to require a lot of understanding, maturity, and patience on your part. Being there for your husband in whatever way he needs is your best chance at letting him come around to being your husband again.


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