# Is it even worth it at this point?



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Well, I've suspected for years that my husband has cheated off and on, more than the one time that I know about for sure. Of course, once it happens and you try to reconcile, you are always uncertain, so you try to stifle doubts. 

If you know my story, he's been done with our marriage for awhile and says there's no hope of reconciling. I've asked repeatedly if there is another woman now, and he has of course, said no.

Our split has been moving along, and I am moving out on Friday. 

Today, I find a message from someone I don't know on FB telling me that my STBX has been "friends" with someone from a former place of employment for years. Was even with her at this informant's house earlier this month. 

I'm not shocked. Your gut knows. He's been too calm about this whole thing. He doesn't like to make trouble and is too much of a coward to make himself look bad. 

The question now is, do I confront him tonight and make the next step in this process harder? Do I make our nice amicable divorce nasty? 

What would you do?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The first question is... Does infidelity make a difference in your location?

Second question... Are there kids involved?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

PBear said:


> The first question is... Does infidelity make a difference in your location?
> 
> Second question... Are there kids involved?
> 
> ...


I don't know... I'll have to look into that. 

Kids are grown-just moved the youngest to college.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

A quick internet search tells me that it probably wouldn't affect anything in the court.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TooNice said:


> A quick internet search tells me that it probably wouldn't affect anything in the court.


It doesn't in most areas. 

I haven't been in your situation. In fact, I was the one who cheated. So I likely am not the one who should be offering you thoughts. But I think if it was me, I'd want to get it over as painlessly as possible, but I wouldn't necessarily be quite if friends and families asked about it. You could tell him you know, so he knows he wasn't as smart as he thought he was. 

Before you do anything, think about what your goals are, and whether your actions are helping you accomplish those goals. I wouldn't blame you for wanting to blow everything up, but that's not likely going to change anything in the end. You'll likely never get any magical "closure" by him confessing and apologizing for wrecking your marriage.

C


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

More than anything, I'm angry for being played the fool, like most of us. After 20 years, he couldn't respect me enough to be honest with me about it. And he's been so freaking kind to me. I just want him to know I'm not his pawn, and I won't protect him. Grr.

I probably will say something when he gets home. I'm too angry not to. 

At least this will replace hurt with anger for the couple of days.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

And thank you, PBear, for your insight.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

TooNice said:


> More than anything, I'm angry for being played the fool, like most of us. After 20 years, he couldn't respect me enough to be honest with me about it. And he's been so freaking kind to me. I just want him to know I'm not his pawn, and I won't protect him. Grr.
> 
> I probably will say something when he gets home. I'm too angry not to.
> 
> At least this will replace hurt with anger for the couple of days.


It's over, and you're moving out. What do you gain by him knowing that you know? He'll probably be like, "well yeah ok I've been cheating on you but so what".

Why are you making it so easy on him by moving out?

Why isn't HE moving out?


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

We are both moving. He's downsizing to save money, but now I suspect he'll be moving in with her before long. 

What I will gain is slightly vindictive, I admit. He's got everyone thinking things just haven't worked out...it's complicated...we've both changed... And I've even sung the song for him. He thinks he can walk away from this without tarnishing his precious image. That his family, our friends and our children won't think less of him. I don't want to shout it from the rooftops, but man, I want him to be a little afraid that I might. According to this source, this started over 10 years ago, and I believe it. 

I'm really, really angry right now. Mostly because I suspected, and just didn't have proof. Such a fool.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Well, complete the D, confirm this message is legit, then expose later. Shining light on a lie will give you just a small measure of closure. 

Btw, affair partners don't usually last beyond a year or two. Then he'll be out on his own. Probably try to get back together with you...

If that happens, it's your choice, not his. He has no vote in the matter.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Some here will suggest you expose the affair if for nothing else than to salvage your self esteem.

My advice is just to get away from him as fast as possible.

I wouldn't give him the time of day let along going through a whole bunch of trouble to try to make his life miserable.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Thank you all. I've calmed down a bit. Quite honestly, I need his help with this move, and there are some other factors that make me realize I shouldn't act too harshly. But when it comes out, I will not protect him. He's used me and treated me like a worthless tool for half of our marriage. I deserve so much more.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prudence222 (Jun 25, 2014)

My situation is very similar. You do deserve more and you deserve emotional closure which I believe includes full honesty.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Prudence222 said:


> My situation is very similar. You do deserve more and you deserve emotional closure which I believe includes full honesty.


Does she deserve honesty and disclosure? Sure. Is she likely to get it? Not freaking likely. So don't set your site on it. Don't depend on that to get through this. First because you're not likely to get it, and second, because it's not likely to help as much as you expect. It's not going to change your situation or reality. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

TooNice said:


> We are both moving. He's downsizing to save money, but now I suspect he'll be moving in with her before long.
> 
> What I will gain is slightly vindictive, I admit. He's got everyone thinking things just haven't worked out...it's complicated...we've both changed... And I've even sung the song for him. He thinks he can walk away from this without tarnishing his precious image. That his family, our friends and our children won't think less of him. I don't want to shout it from the rooftops, but man, I want him to be a little afraid that I might. According to this source, this started over 10 years ago, and I believe it.
> 
> I'm really, really angry right now. Mostly because I suspected, and just didn't have proof. Such a fool.


Yes, I understand. I was in a similar situation. Mt stbx loved his image, which was a total lie. He was a coward and a cake eater. When I discovered it, I got proof which I can use in court. I confronted, because I needed to. I also didn't cover for him at all.



Prudence222 said:


> My situation is very similar. You do deserve more and you deserve emotional closure which I believe includes full honesty.


I agree, but you won't get full honesty. He is a liar and he wants to maintain his false image. 

The only thing he can do is treat you very well in the separation and divorce. If he understands that you know and it helps in the future proceedings, confront. If it makes you feel better and doesn't damage the future proceedings, confront. If it helps you sleep better at night, confront.

Good luck.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

I know what its like to feel like you've been played for a fool in a long term marriage.
First and foremost, make sure your situation is secure. Get him to sign all the papers and help with your move if that is what you need first.
Second, realize that he is a liar. So if you out him (ONLY after your situation is secure) some people in your circle will always believe him just because they want to. Some will not. He will not suddenly confess all his sins. That seems to only happen when a cheater believes he's going to lose something big. People who can lie on such a long term basis believe they have the ability to spin the situation even if the truth comes out. You have to be extremely strong and resilient to listen to friends and family members tell you "You're wrong-he'd never do that" or worse "well I guess you weren't keeping him happy at home" Its all rubbish but stupid people who don't know the situation will say stupid things.

And having said all that I would tell him you know. You are under no obligation to keep his dirty little secrets.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Confront or expose?

Confronting him will likely gain you nothing. 

Exposing likely won't either but at least you're being honest. You're not doing his bidding anymore. 

If you choose to do this be prepared for the backlash. He's being nice now but cheaters need to justify their actions. He may try to make you out to be a devil with your friends.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Confront but keep things amicable (I know, I know) for the sake of getting what you want out of him in terms of help w/ the move, divorce, etc. Expose when it's of benefit to you. Don't let him write the narrative of the end of your marriage, especially not to your children, family, mutual friends, etc.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I did confront him last night. I was just so angry...I had to. He tried to deny at first, but the note I had included some pretty specific info that he couldn't deny. Once it was out, I think he was mostly honest with me. Really, he has little to lose be telling the truth now. I refused to let him off the hook about a few things. I am generally too nice, and was much nicer than he deserved, but I let him have it about how ****ty he's been, letting me tell people that I didn't think there was anyone else when I was asked. We talked for quite awhile last night, and had some very serious discussions this morning. (Those were much more therapeutic for him than he probably deserved from me.) 

But the fact remains he is still my kids' father. I still need to be in the same room as him at times. If this OW turns into a relationship that brings her into the family, I was clear that I will NOT be nice to her. There are things I won't share on here, but she deserves it. He does too, but he's suffering now. This divorce he wanted is going to take me to better places, and soon. He still needs to work on a lot of issues that got us in this mess to begin with. I'm still hurt and pi$$ed, but I'm strong as heck and I'll bounce back. Part of what's keeping me kind to him is the worry that he won't. Even with little Miss Thing. 

So yeah, I'm glad it's all on the table now and I can see how I deserve more than I even thought. I still won't go telling everyone who will listen...partly because I need to work through the humiliation, and partly because I don't need our kids to find out. I know they are adults, but that's not their burden to bear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Do you happen to live in a state where infidelity "matters" in divorce? If so, it may be time to amend that divorce petition.

And I wish I'd mentioned having a VAR rolling during the confrontation...


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Your children are adults. Don't they have a right to know what destroyed their family?


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Not telling the children will make them mad at you when they eventually find out. 

Appropriate honesty is best. 

Not telling them because you want to protect them is the same rationale cheaters use in not telling their spouses.


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