# Husband is not as interested in sex



## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

So I'm not sure what to do.
My husband and I have been married for about 5 months, now, so you think we would be having sex fairly regularly, like newlyweds. I'm finding, though, that I, the wife, am initiating sex 90% of the time, with my husband only accepting those initiations about 20% of the time. I'm getting turned down by my husband A LOT. 
Now, my husband is a fantastic guy. He's considerate, he'll sit with all the world's patience and listen to me complain about whatever, he tries his hardest to be helpful, but when it comes to sex, I am dissatisfied. 
After my husband proposed to me, he told me that he had a history of pornography, which I know is a huge factor in his feelings about sex. (There's "Good Girl Syndrome," but he has "Guilty Guy Syndrome," BIG TIME.) It was a long history of pornography, which, just the last month, he's admitted to me he's still struggling with a lot. He's not relapsed and looked at porn, but he says that he has to pay attention to what he's thinking about during the day, and can't even look forward to having sex with me, because it triggers him to start looking around at the women he passes by, each day. 
My husband has openly said things which show, to me, that he is very critical of women's appearances, and let me tell you, I'm no size small. I've been dieting, lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months, but that's not working, at getting his attention, sexually.
I'm at a point where I'm despairing that my husband will ever be able to be attentive to my sexual needs. He's always "tired," "has to go to bed," "has to study," "not enough time." I've told him that I feel like the man in the relationship when that's all I ever hear, or that maybe there's something wrong with me, that I want to have sex more than him, but I don't think that's true. 
I'm not sure I could convince him to go to counseling. If I asked him to, I know he would, but he'd drag his feet, and it likely wouldn't be productive anyway. 
I'm losing my respect for him in the bedroom, and it makes it difficult for me to want to express affection in any other way, when he can't fit the traditional role of "man," and take the initiative in this. It makes me feel so undesirable, and I hate having to be close to him after he turns me down. It ends with nights like tonight, where he snores away in bed, and I sit up on the couch after a good cry, because I can't stand to be next to him, I'm so angry and disappointed. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, and why I'm just so STUPID that I keep trying, day after day, sincerely getting my hopes up, only to get turned down, and left to wallow in the fact that HE never initiates me, and I"m just so PISSED at him! 
It's a bit of a rant, I realize, but I sincerely and honestly don't know what I can do, whether for myself or for him.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I went through refusal for a few months and my self-esteem and spirit are gone because of it. Are you positive that he is not watching porn and masturbating? Is he on computer alot? On phone? Alone time?


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

He tells me he's not, and I'd like to think that I can trust him. He's at work and school a lot, and I'm at work, so yes, he has a computer around him all the time when I'm not around. But I don't think he's looking at porn. For the most part, we have a pretty honest, open communication kind of marriage.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old are you two, and how was your sex life before you got married? How long did you date?

C


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Are you saying you are overweight? If so maybe that's a turn off for him since a womens appearance is so important to him. If that is the case I'm not sure why he wanted to get married. Since you just got married I'm assuming you don't have children. If things don't change and he won't get help then it will be easier for you to get a divorce. If this continues you will only start feeling more resentful.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon GraceR
That is a really difficult situation to be in. It is unfortunately not all that rare. You might look at the many threads on LD/ HD (low desire, high desire) relationships. There have been lots of discussions and both women and men find themselves in the situation you are in. They are probably worth a read since people don't always post the same things when the issue comes up again.

Most often it is not anything at all wrong with the HD person (you), the LD person just doesn't have much interest in sex. Sometimes these situations improve, but sometimes not. 

From what you are saying I honestly don't think it is anything you are doing wrong, or anything that is wrong with you.

His history with pornography may or may not be part of the cause. If he has stopped using it, then it is less likely to be a problem now.

Again you have my sincere sympathy - it is just miserable to have the person you love deny you the intimacy that seems so normal in a loving relationship.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GraceR said:


> So I'm not sure what to do.
> My husband and I have been married for about 5 months, now, so you think we would be having sex fairly regularly, like newlyweds. I'm finding, though, that I, the wife, am initiating sex 90% of the time, with my husband only accepting those initiations about 20% of the time. I'm getting turned down by my husband A LOT.
> Now, my husband is a fantastic guy. He's considerate, he'll sit with all the world's patience and listen to me complain about whatever, he tries his hardest to be helpful, but when it comes to sex, I am dissatisfied.


Having a husband who is a decent and considerate guy, while important, isn't as important as we like to think it is. You could also have a room mate who is decent and considerate, listens with compassion and enjoys being with you, but that doesn't mean they are marriage material. Just good friend material.



> After my husband proposed to me, he told me that he had a history of pornography, which I know is a huge factor in his feelings about sex. (There's "Good Girl Syndrome," but he has "Guilty Guy Syndrome," BIG TIME.) It was a long history of pornography, which, just the last month, he's admitted to me he's still struggling with a lot. He's not relapsed and looked at porn, but he says that *he has to pay attention to what he's thinking about during the day, and can't even look forward to having sex with me, because it triggers him to start looking around at the women he passes by, each day.*



Maybe I'm missing something but turning his mind away from sex, sexy thoughts, thinking of sex with you is not healthy either. He can't have a normal sexual responds with you or anyone else if he is actively tamping down and blotting out sexual thoughts, ideas and urges.

I get the feeling he never had professional help when he decided to end his porn addiction. He is what is called a "white knuckeler." By gritting his teeth and blotting out all urges toward his addiction he can control it. While that is one way to end an addiction it's not an appropriate way to end all addictions. He can ignore all sexual thoughts because he IS a married man who is expected to have sex!





> My husband has openly said things which show, to me, that he is very critical of women's appearances, and let me tell you, I'm no size small. I've been dieting, lost 10 pounds in the last 2 months, but that's not working, at getting his attention, sexually.
> I'm at a point where I'm despairing that my husband will ever be able to be attentive to my sexual needs.


Woah horsey! While there may be a VERY small component to him fetishizing a certain body type his lack of response to you doesn't have much to do with how you look. Unless he specifically married you because he felt you were least likely to ever generate a sexual response from him. But listen!!!! Do you honestly think a man would choose a wife because he won't ever have to degrade himself to thinking sexual thoughts about her? Highly highly unlikely!!!!! 

*So no, you could loose another 30 pounds and he would still turn away from you. Your looks or body type have nothing to do with this.*

Read that bolded part over and over!





> He's always "tired," "has to go to bed," "has to study," "not enough time." I've told him that I feel like the man in the relationship when that's all I ever hear, or that maybe there's something wrong with me, that I want to have sex more than him, but I don't think that's true.


Just covered this, no it's not true! Good for you for realizing this!



> I'm not sure I could convince him to go to counseling. If I asked him to, I know he would, but he'd drag his feet, and it likely wouldn't be productive anyway.
> 
> I'm losing my respect for him in the bedroom, and it makes it difficult for me to want to express affection in any other way, when he can't fit the traditional role of "man," and take the initiative in this. *It makes me feel so undesirable, and I hate having to be close to him after he turns me down. It ends with nights like tonight, where he snores away in bed, and I sit up on the couch after a good cry, because I can't stand to be next to him, I'm so angry and disappointed. It makes me wonder what I'm doing wrong, and why I'm just so STUPID that I keep trying, day after day, sincerely getting my hopes up, only to get turned down, and left to wallow in the fact that HE never initiates me, and I"m just so PISSED at him!*


You know he needs therapy, you fear he won't work it, you realize you can't control the level of effort he puts into working it. Again, good for you for understand the difficult need to have cooperation from him in solving this problem!




> It's a bit of a rant, I realize, but I sincerely and honestly don't know what I can do, whether for myself or for him.


You sit him down and tell him exactly what I bolded above. Try to not allow anger to show but absolutely allow your hurt to show. He has to SEE what his screwed up version of controlling his porn addiction is doing to you, how it's destroying not only your desire to be affectionate with him but your own sense of self.

Then you tell him you can NOT live in a marriage like this. You tell him you found three potential therapists who specialize in sexual dysfunctions and he is to make an appointment for the both of you within the next two weeks. If he fails, for whatever reason, you have your answer. That his discomfort in seeking help is more important to him that you slowly dying inside because your husband can't and won't love you.

Boundaries sister, it's all about your boundaries.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Hard to tell what you are saying exactly.
Probably all men have a "history of pornogrpahy".

Has he been shamed about this?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What the heck does that have to do with it Hicks? He has a serious problem that he can only deal with using black/white/on/off thinking. Obsessive thinking isn't about being shamed. He needs good therapy.


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

I take a day off, and I get so many responses! God bless you all! Thank you!
In response to a few questions, my husband and I are both 25, dated for 6 months, and we didn't actually have sex before we got married. (Religious. Which is also why he has such a hard time with himself for having a history of looking at porn.) 



Anon Pink said:


> Maybe I'm missing something but turning his mind away from sex, sexy thoughts, thinking of sex with you is not healthy either. He can't have a normal sexual responds with you or anyone else if he is actively tamping down and blotting out sexual thoughts, ideas and urges.
> I get the feeling he never had professional help when he decided to end his porn addiction. He is what is called a "white knuckeler." By gritting his teeth and blotting out all urges toward his addiction he can control it. While that is one way to end an addiction it's not an appropriate way to end all addictions. He can't ignore all sexual thoughts because he IS a married man who is expected to have sex!


You're 100% absolutely right. Thank you so much!! I took THIS to my husband, to help explain to him that it really is a problem. AND... he has a therapy appointment set up for tomorrow. (I must have been convincing.) 

He was telling me that he feels like hand-holding and going on walks together are greater expressions of love, to which I stopped him right in his tracks and asked, "Seriously?" I think that disbelief made him really start thinking. (He just seems to think that everything sex is evil, or bad, which it's NOT.) So we had some good talking, and he's going for therapy. 
AND looking into testosterone? He feels that this might help him with some anxiety about ED? 

Thank you all again!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He has ED, at 25?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

PBear said:


> He has ED, at 25?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He doesn't have it bad AT ALL. But that's what happens when you're a porn addict!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Your husband is the future for many of his generation. After all, porm and masturbation can't possibly be harmful, right?

Google DE and read about it on the psych boards. If you want a rude awakening to your future and even more sadly to his, that will give it to you. You can leave and I recommend it. This will destroy your sense of confidence as a woman. It really isn't worth it when he did this to himself and may be able to reverse it if he is willing. Sadly many men cling to the idea that every man watches porn and Ms and it isn't harmful. They are simply clueless. And you cannot get through to them. They act like porn is a right and that giving it up is like giving up oxygen. They are deluded. And it tells you how much more they value it over all else despite all of the qualifiers they will use to try to make you accept their deluded thinking. They will also tell you you are insecure.

Who the hell wouldn't be when your guy can m and get off to it but can't get it up or keep it up with you?

Anyway, he must also give up M as well. He is used to a certain grip that a real woman cannot duplicate.

I'm flabbergasted that he would think porn is OK but premarital is not. What kind of crap religion does he submit to?

Ah. The one that didn't need you in the first place because he has porn!!!

Giving those two things up must be non negotiable for you. Must. There is zero room for compromise.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

GraceR said:


> So I'm not sure what to do.
> My husband and I have been married for about 5 months, now, so you think we would be having sex fairly regularly, like newlyweds. I'm finding, though, that I, the wife, am initiating sex 90% of the time, with my husband only accepting those initiations about 20% of the time. I'm getting turned down by my husband A LOT.
> Now, my husband is a fantastic guy. He's considerate, he'll sit with all the world's patience and listen to me complain about whatever, he tries his hardest to be helpful, but when it comes to sex, I am dissatisfied.
> After my husband proposed to me, he told me that he had a history of pornography, which I know is a huge factor in his feelings about sex. (There's "Good Girl Syndrome," but he has "Guilty Guy Syndrome," BIG TIME.) It was a long history of pornography, which, just the last month, he's admitted to me he's still struggling with a lot. He's not relapsed and looked at porn, but he says that he has to pay attention to what he's thinking about during the day, and can't even look forward to having sex with me, because it triggers him to start looking around at the women he passes by, each day.
> ...



Another good woman with a high sex drive married to a hubby who wants porn instead. I feel for you.

Porn is addictive and the ladies in porn are paid extremely well to make it seem they love all those sexual positions. Acting. They also are quite attractive and not the average, realistic woman.

You need to lose about 30 lbs?

That's not a lot of weight in my books and I prefer my woman to have some meat on her bones instead of a stick model with hair.

I only watched porn and relieved myself when I was really in the mood and my wifee wasn't. Otherwise, no porn viewing.

Are there any fantasies you could surprise him with?

Toys? Oils? Candles? Wax? Tying him to the bed and blind fold him? Dress up / cosplay? Food?

My history of porn was pretty bad in my teens and early 20's. I needed sex multiple times each day. Now that I'm older, I can control myself much better and sex no longer controls me, even though I could still have sex every day. Hormones are brutal for a guy in his teens and 20's.

Have you snooped what type of porn he views? Surprise him?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Raising the bar to compete with porn is another bad idea. You want to be your best because that's just the right thing to do for you. Buy don't go orb star


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

Woah woah woah. My husband has been in recovery for six years. I'm not giving up on him, because that would make me a ducky person! He knows it's wrong, and he hates it, and, like I said, he's not looking at porn, though he continues to struggle with the consequences of his actions in the past. Hold all your horses. My husband loves me more than porn. And porn does not come into our lives. (We don't pretend we're porn stars.) Calm down the anti porn. Were anti porn, and he knows how terrible it is, firsthand. Stop jumping on him. He knows, and that's not what he's asking for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

GraceR said:


> Woah woah woah. My husband has been in recovery for six years. I'm not giving up on him, because that would make me a ducky person! He knows it's wrong, and he hates it, and, like I said, he's not looking at porn, though he continues to struggle with the consequences of his actions in the past. Hold all your horses. My husband loves me more than porn. And porn does not come into our lives. (We don't pretend we're porn stars.) Calm down the anti porn. Were anti porn, and he knows how terrible it is, firsthand. Stop jumping on him. He knows, and that's not what he's asking for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's fine

But why are you defending a person that is completely negligent towards YOU (his wife).

Answer this question for yourself.

"My husband loves me based on the following ACTIONS: <you define them>"

Remember, actions speak louder than words!!!

For most man, intimacy is the ultimate definition of Love. Your husband wants no part of that. 

Think about it.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How are you so sure about the porn? What about M? Is he using porn substitutes?


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

My husband is a very religious man, and because of our religious beliefs about chastity, masterbating isn't an option for him religiously. He had a guilt complex like nobody's business, and he would tell me. But he has felt sand known, religiously, for six years, that those things are not okay, and he had been fighting to stay away from them. Wrote. I came on here for good advice, and felt like I got it, but now I feel like people are pushing their own angry agendas. I said my husband is a living, wonderful man, believe me. He struggles with sex, that one thing, and I struggle because he struggles, but it's not something I'm going to leave him over. If you read earlier, he is seeing a counselor today about his negative feelings about sex, which he had developed because he has tried so hard to not look at porn. I feel like you're not listening to what was my actual concern, which I feel has started to be resolved. Let's not bash people for the mistakes of their Pasts. It's like the smoker who still dies of lung cancer, even after they quit decades ago. The past is the past, and it kills us sometimes, but it's not who or what we're doing wrong today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

How do you know he is abstaining?


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## GraceR (Aug 6, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> How do you know he is abstaining?


We have an honest relationship, and an agreement that he'll tell me if he ever relapses. I trust him. And he wouldn't have been so willing to see a counselor today, if he wasn't even willing to tell me if he was having relapses.I trust him. How do you know a lot of things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Verify.. You cannot trust an addict..


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

GraceR said:


> You're 100% absolutely right. Thank you so much!! I took THIS to my husband, to help explain to him that it really is a problem. AND... he has a therapy appointment set up for tomorrow. (I must have been convincing.)
> 
> He was telling me that he feels like hand-holding and going on walks together are greater expressions of love, to which I stopped him right in his tracks and asked, "Seriously?" I think that disbelief made him really start thinking. (He just seems to think that everything sex is evil, or bad, which it's NOT.) So we had some good talking, and he's going for therapy.
> AND looking into testosterone? He feels that this might help him with some anxiety about ED?
> ...


Excellent! I am so glad to hear that he has taken your feeling and your concerns and has acted on them!! That is just fabulous and bodes very well for your relationship!

Like food addiction, sex/porn/masturbation can't be just shut out of your life, especially if you're married!

You are an excellent wife to stand your ground with him and tell him what you want and need from him.

The sporadic ED might get a little worse before it gets better, so be prepared for that. 

The major issue I have with the way many religions view sexuality is that they seem to encourage a mindset that simply isn't possible. We don't exactly know why people get turned on by one thing or another. 

Why do some women love being roughed up during sex and other women hate it? Why do some men have a foot fetish or whatever paraphilia that comes to mind? What happens in the mind, those sexually charged erotic images, we simply can't control. What we can control is our behavior and how we express ourselves. I think religion tends to ignore that which we have little to no control over and instead encourages a purity of thought that simply isn't healthy because it is completely unrealistic.

A healthy adult masturbating is ...healthy. What defines a healthy masturbation habit, as opposed to not healthy, is that it ADDS to your quality of life and relationship. If you two made a pact that masturbation would be okay as long as you gave the other either the right of first refusal or the masturbation didn't prevent you from engaging in sex with your partner. So if he wants to masturbate in the morning before work, he lets you know and if your up for it great, but if you'd prefer to wait until later as long as he can go again later, there is nothing wrong with him rubbing one out before work. Make sense?


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## seahorse (Apr 10, 2010)

Rest assured:

There IS a rational explanation -- maybe several -- for why he has lost interest in sex. He may not actually recognize what those reasons are. Then again, he might. If he does know, you also need to know.

My advice to everyone on this board with similar problems -- particularly young marrieds -- is to practice being completely honest with each other, but tempering the honesty with tact and gentleness. Years ago I admitted to my wife [under inquisition] I had lost attraction for her on account of several things, most significantly weight gain. She really never forgave me for that, and our intimacy never recovered. We love each other very much, just not sexually. She never was able to accept that her husband's attraction was conditional, and that a good part of it was predicated on how she maintained (or did not maintain) appearance.

Give your husband encouragement to answer truthfully as you uncover the reasons for his loss of interest. If he actually knows (he may not), hopefully he will share with you. Unless both of you recognize you're playing for the same team, you're going to lose the game. Get honest, get determination, and get hope. 


Good luck 
-seahorse


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## asc7 (Aug 12, 2014)

I think life isn't only sex, if you have a such good relationship with your mate 90% problems will solved. I think you only need good doctor for visit and give him a bit drugs that motivated he for sex for you. Don't worry you can also cook a foods with high protein and calorie for sex motivation. 
Good luck 
asc7


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## bestwife (May 10, 2014)

In this case I really don t know what to say. You look like a caring woman...
Hope this recovery really soon


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