# It matters to me



## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

How many of you have really been there, like this:
“It Matters To Me” Faith Hill (song) and if so how did you deal with it? That feeling of abandonment, or at least something lacking? I would like to hear your thoughts.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

This song is hard for me to listen to, because it hits WAY too close to home. The loneliness and feelings of inadequacy are really hard sometimes. Most of her songs are about how much her husband loves her and that is really, really hard to listen to. I get it, I know how you feel.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

TexasMom1216 said:


> This song is hard for me to listen to, because it hits WAY too close to home. The loneliness and feelings of inadequacy are really hard sometimes. Most of her songs are about how much her husband loves her and that is really, really hard to listen to. I get it, I know how you feel.


Wow. I have been following you and your post from the day I joined TAM. I don’t know for sure if we could agree on much. But on this level I want to thank you so much for putting all of that to the side and recognizing pain when you feel it. Tomorrow im going to ask my wife for simple intimacy, (I want to hold her. In our bed in the house that we built.) she will say some other time. While im not perfect, im tired of feeling inadequate. I don’t know what to say or do, or if it really doesn’t matter to her. I guess it doesn’t. Perhaps tomorrow we could discuss Mary Chapin Carpenter? Oh there’s a lot there!


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

kh4OffRoad said:


> How many of you have really been there, like this:
> “It Matters To Me” Faith Hill (song) and if so how did you deal with it? That feeling of abandonment, or at least something lacking? I would like to hear your thoughts.


I’ve been there, and some sadder places, and emerged more centered, more hopeful (for me, my life, no matter what), more able to face whatever “is” with equanimity.

I have used music to cope; to feel the feelings I had avoided feeling (including sadness, anger, embarrassment and self-contempt) and thereby enabling me to be done with them; to achieve awareness of something that had eluded me; to finish old business and move forward. There were other tools I leveraged, counseling, reading and writing here, reading books, living other parts of my life. Basically, trying not be stuck, at least in some parts of my life, while trying to figure out how to break this part free. 

Throughout this whole process, there has been a soundtrack.

One from my soundtrack that may be at a similar point in my journey as the song you mentioned is “I’m still here”, by Tom Waits. Maybe that one evokes a bit more hopefulness, for better or worse, depending on the realities. One milestone for me was “Lonesome Tears” by Beck (the whole Sea Change album resonated with me for awhile). At some point I learned I could be alone without being lonely, in this marriage or beyond it.

I wish you well.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

kh4OffRoad said:


> im tired of feeling inadequate. I don’t know what to say or do, or if it really doesn’t matter to her. I guess it doesn’t.


Flat out tell your wife this.

She either loves you and cares about you or she doesn't. If she does, she'll be sad, upset with herself, she'll apologize and ask you what she may do for you.

If she doesn't, then you get to decide if you're going to continue living the rest of your life this way with her.


OP,

You can get intimacy, it just might have to be with a different partner. I'm not talking about cheating, but divorce.

You can get intimacy, if it's important to you. It might not be with your wife, you can't make her or force her, but if she won't, even knowing how important it is to you, then is she really worthy of being your spouse?

Life is difficult enough as it is, a partner should be our safe haven, our partner in crime, us against the world.

She seems to be adding to your woes and troubles, not helping you to alleviate them.

That has to change, it isn't healthy for you, mentally or physically.

I wish you well OP. Take care.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I’ve been there and still working on emerging from it with my husband. What kept us from moving forward was poor communication and resentment. We were both so busy in our lives- kids, work, building houses etc etc that we both just buried our heads in the sand and plowed on in daily life. It took a life/death health emergency (me) for us to finally communicate with each and truly discuss how we felt (and had felt for several years). This occurred during my recovery of several months. Was it fun or easy ?? Absolutely hell no! It was hard as hell to be open and honest. All kinds of hurts came out (on both sides). Our communication is better but still not that great 2 years later. Still a work in progress.

I agree with poster above that says you need to just tell your wife. The two of you need to have a real conversation about what the two of you need and want in the relationship. It will be hard. Try to not be defensive or accusatory as that will shut down the communication fast.

I usually change the station or hit skip if that Faith Hill song you mentioned comes on. Hard to hear but reminds me that many people go thru similar. It’s not always rainbows and unicorns in life. Learning to communicate is key.

And I’ll say now, sorry for any typos. My phone is just jacking around with my typing.


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## Julie's Husband (Jan 3, 2022)

Not exactly the same, but I can relate. My wife and I had a horrible misunderstanding and went 14 years without intimacy. Dunno how often we even touched. I badly need loving cuddling and touch.

Finally, after I was diagnosed with prostate cancer we talked about what was ahead which led to what lay behind. We learned how little we knew of each other and how each of us had felt about past incidents. This led to a new an very beautiful intimacy.

I hope others can find the key to their happiness as well.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> I’ve been there and still working on emerging from it with my husband. What kept us from moving forward was poor communication and resentment. We were both so busy in our lives- kids, work, building houses etc etc that we both just buried our heads in the sand and plowed on in daily life. It took a life/death health emergency (me) for us to finally communicate with each and truly discuss how we felt (and had felt for several years). This occurred during my recovery of several months. Was it fun or easy ?? Absolutely hell no! It was hard as hell to be open and honest. All kinds of hurts came out (on both sides). Our communication is better but still not that great 2 years later. Still a work in progress.
> 
> I agree with poster above that says you need to just tell your wife. The two of you need to have a real conversation about what the two of you need and want in the relationship. It will be hard. Try to not be defensive or accusatory as that will shut down the communication fast.
> 
> ...


You and your phone articulated your point very well. So I have to ask at this point, did you ever feel the loneliness of feeling like you were married (or lack there of) a roommate?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Yes. Sometime in about 2015 we were arguing about something relationship wise and I actually said that I was tired of living like roommates. I don’t remember his exact response but whatever it was it implied that I was being “dramatic”. Nothing came of that argument. No heart to heart talks or anything. Just more of the same crap. I stopped wearing my wedding ring and still do not wear it today. I don’t know why it took so much for us just to talk openly.
I guess it hurt too much?? Don’t know. Still working through things.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Yes. Sometime in about 2015 we were arguing about something relationship wise and I actually said that I was tired of living like roommates. I don’t remember his exact response but whatever it was it implied that I was being “dramatic”. Nothing came of that argument. No heart to heart talks or anything. Just more of the same crap. I stopped wearing my wedding ring and still do not wear it today. I don’t know why it took so much for us just to talk openly.
> I guess it hurt too much?? Don’t know. Still working through things.


Wow, so nothing ever did get solved?


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Actually theyre has been some progress. I know it doesn’t sound like it from the last post. We are both making efforts to talk to each respectfully and trying to get back “closeness”. Closeness for him comes more from talking & listening and doing very basic things together - such as running errands. For me closeness is more about emotions and physical closeness. We are better off than we were prior to March 2020 due to us having a series to heart to hearts and having the hard conversations numerous times in rest of 2020 and some of 2021. But still not where we could / should be. He feels we discussed plenty and now we just need to move on. I still have hurt feelings and can’t move on because some of the same stuff from the past js still going on in present. He doesn’t see it that way. Says things are better and I can’t move on because I won’t let go of past hurts. So, I’m trying but the physical closeness is not there.

All I can say is it is not a one or two conversation issue and then move on. Your wife needs to understand how much the lack of intimacy hurts you. If she shoots you down down with some typical response (typical for her) then she is closed off to you. You’ve got to find a way to get into her heart so she can truly hear you.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Lotsofheart73 said:


> Actually theyre has been some progress. I know it doesn’t sound like it from the last post. We are both making efforts to talk to each respectfully and trying to get back “closeness”. Closeness for him comes more from talking & listening and doing very basic things together - such as running errands. For me closeness is more about emotions and physical closeness. We are better off than we were prior to March 2020 due to us having a series to heart to hearts and having the hard conversations numerous times in rest of 2020 and some of 2021. But still not where we could / should be. He feels we discussed plenty and now we just need to move on. I still have hurt feelings and can’t move on because some of the same stuff from the past js still going on in present. He doesn’t see it that way. Says things are better and I can’t move on because I won’t let go of past hurts. So, I’m trying but the physical closeness is not there.
> 
> All I can say is it is not a one or two conversation issue and then move on. Your wife needs to understand how much the lack of intimacy hurts you. If she shoots you down down with some typical response (typical for her) then she is closed off to you. You’ve got to find a way to get into her heart so she can truly hear you.


Thanks for the update/advice. I don’t think I have an unrealistic want. Im going to talk to her soon about it. My ultimate goal is to spend 15 minutes in bed once a week together just so our skin can be near each other. As far as sex goes I’ll feel like I have won the Powerball if we can get to do that 1x a month. Thanks for the conversation!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

kh4OffRoad said:


> Wow. I have been following you and your post from the day I joined TAM. I don’t know for sure if we could agree on much. But on this level I want to thank you so much for putting all of that to the side and recognizing pain when you feel it. Tomorrow im going to ask my wife for simple intimacy, (I want to hold her. In our bed in the house that we built.) she will say some other time. While im not perfect, im tired of feeling inadequate. I don’t know what to say or do, or if it really doesn’t matter to her. I guess it doesn’t. Perhaps tomorrow we could discuss Mary Chapin Carpenter? Oh there’s a lot there!


If she's not feeling it, though, it's not intimacy. It's pretend. You have to see if it's even possible to get to the source/root of the problem why she's not feeling it and see if it's anything fixable. Hope it is.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

There are four book recommendations made in post 4 of this recent thread: Discrepancies in Sexual Desire

I’ve started reading “Rekindling Desire”, and am finding it to be worthwhile, and more sound and thorough than others I’ve come across searching for wisdom these last ten or more years. It’s doing a good job of at least acknowledging the complexities involved, and how approaches naive to these complexities can set you back.

Worth a look IMHO.


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