# Child Custody question?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It freaks me out to think I'll be with my dd only half the time if I don't R with my husband. She is only 13.
Does anyone have shared custody, is it hard? 
One of the reasons I consider going back is that I don't want to be a part time mom. But better a part time happy mom, than a miserable full time one?


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Since you haven't divorced, how do you know what the child custody ruling will be?

I would think the court would consider a 13 year old's wishes of who she wanted to live with. I am sure different states have various considerations on this topic. What do you think your daughter would wish to do?

Maybe you can get full custody


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

In Florida, it is automatic 50-50 co-parenting, unless you can document and verify unhealthy environment and/or bad parenting by the other. Then, the varied percentages may kick in

As a father, I'm glad I wasn't automatically provided the typical every Wed and every other weekend.

There is no custody and visitation here. It's co-parenting.

I realize the importance that my ex wife provides the children. She does with me as the father.

Now, selfishly, does it suck? Yes. Even though I live 5 mins away. It took a while, and still does, knowing that I'm missing out on the spontaneous interactions/activity of my 2 young children. 

But, that's reality. I make the most of my time with them; creating different, new and memorable routines and experiences with them. Likewise, I'm sure with my ex.

It's not ideal, but we make it work. For them.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yes it sucks sometimes, though not always, it is nice to have a break from the onslaught of responsibility sometimes (though it's not like we ever asked for only half the time?!)

Today I was driving my son to his mom's (him and I were a little under the weather today so no kindergarten and I had an day off work so we just hung out). I was almost bawling, and then I turned on the radio and heard the horirble news today... didn't think I was going to be able to let him out of my grasp when we got to his other home...

My son is almost 6, so its a lot of work, I can't really foresee how it's going to be when he's that age...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When I was co-parenting my son I had him 60%, his father had him 40%.

IT was tough at first but I used the time wisely. I took a job that was both a huge increase in pay and that allowed comp time. So I worked long hours when I did not have my son. Then took comp time off and/or worked shorter hours when I had it. It gave me lots of flexibility and time with my son... time when we could go places, do things with friends and have fun.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

I wish my STBXH could coparent 50% of the time. I could use the break and time for myself. I love my son but he's much more demanding and time consuming than my daughter was at his age (15). He was living with my H for awhile and I didn't mind but then again, I was friendly with my H and saw him and my son often so I didn't feel that I was missing out. 

But my H, an alcoholic, fell off the wagon and went back to drinking and he wound up neglecting my son. I don't trust him enough to coparent. I don't even want my son to visit and my son feels the same way. 

In a few years he'll be old enough to make his own decisions and hopefully be more independent. Whatever time he wants to spend with his father will be up to him. When my daughter was 16 my H and I separated and divorcing him would often come up and she said "No way am I staying with him." At 16 you can make those decisions for yourself. 

When my children were young I had problems in my marriage and one thing that kept me with my H is that I didn't want to be the primary caregiver. I wasn't up to it emotionally and mentally. It would've killed me. I don't envy single parents of small kids.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I have full physical custody of the kids. My ex would come by and spend anywhere from 2-6 hours a day, for about 2 days a week. They don't spend the night at his place. 

I don't know if it's hard for him to be a part time parent, but this is what he wanted. He didn't want to have baggage in his new relationship.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

She is afraid to say what she wants, she doesn't want to choose sides.
I think she is much better off with the 60/40 me. But H is now pushing for the 50/50 and he is saying that our 21 year old son votes for that too, since he wants time with his little sister. Which is just h embellishing because son is more than busy with his own life.
I see a lawyer Tuesday and will push for my 60/40. Since there is no agreement, (we have been trying to R) I think I have to get real with this before h just starts taking her the 50/50. I've wasted time thinking he could change. 

He guilts her out all the time about missing her, and that he sits and stares at the wall when she is not there, and he doesn't sleep or eat. Just downer crap to make her feel sorry for HIM.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Indie,

I have 3 sons 28,32,33 when they were 21, your sons age ,they were seldom home( except to sleep). 

Friends, girls, work , college, took all their time.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Good to know mel


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

indiecat said:


> He guilts her out all the time about missing her, and that he sits and stares at the wall when she is not there, and he doesn't sleep or eat. Just downer crap to make her feel sorry for HIM.


Your husband _sits and stares at the wall when your daughter isn't there, doesnt sleep or eat.._. Do you realize how sick that sounds? You sound almost as obsessive.

Both of you had better get real and get your own lives going. You are letting your children get in the middle of you both and using them as a weapon against the other. What you are doing is bordering on mentally unstable.

You have a 21 year old son who shouldn't even be involved in this. At 21 he should have his own life to deal with. Your 13 year old is on the cusp of being a teenager. Teenagers do and should be starting their own lives. It's important for their emotional development and maturity. 

The job of a parent is not to stay with a child 24/7 and control and look over every aspect of their lives. Your job is to prepare your child for adulthood and give her the tools needed to become a competent and and responsible adult that is able to live on her own and make her way through the world, without you holding her hand and tugging her along. It's time face up to reality. In a few years your daughter should be getting ready to go out into the world on her own. Without you or you H, to either college or into the workplace. 

The way you are acting is going to severely hamper this and you'll have a dysfunctional adult child who is afraid to leave her parents because it may hurt them. You don't want that. It's selfish and irresponsible as a parent. 

So you and your H need to _get over yourselves_ and settle this like adults and start building lives of your own that include your children and enjoy their company but aren't BASED ON THEM. It's not a bad thing for a teenage or adult child to not want to spend all their time with their parents, it's a NORMAL thing. 

And it's NOT normal for an adult to want to spend all their time with their children. Get a hobby, get friends and go do things on your own and start raising your daughter with an eye towards her becoming an adult. And tell your 21 your old son that everything is fine.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

BTW, my 18 year old daughter and I are extremely close. We have always spent quality time together since she was a child, whether it's skiing, 4 wheeling, white water rafting or hiking or shopping or hanging out talking for hours. 

That said, she has a steady boyfriend, is involved in her church group, has a job, is in college and is very active in her resident hall organization and is planning to study a semester overseas at one point. 

I have a ton of hobbies as well and friend and keep busy. I do a lot of stuff without my children. 

Neither of our lives revolve around the other but we make room for and include each other in our lives. I can honestly say that my daughter and I have an awesome relationship but it's not done by forcing myself on her. Her friend's parents are always telling their children that they "have" to stay home to spend "family time". I can honestly say I've never done that. My daughter stays home by choice. 

Last night my daughter, my son and I were all hanging out together playing computer games, talking and just enjoying each other's company on a Friday night. How many parents of a 15 and 18 year old can say that? 

Give your children some room to breathe and don't be demanding and they will WANT to be with you. If you force it on them they will do everything to get away. No one likes to be smothered. It suffocates and kills them. 

_If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you, its yours forever. If it dosent, then it was never meant to be_

All you are doing is pushing your daughter away from you.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Your husband _sits and stares at the wall when your daughter isn't there, doesnt sleep or eat.._. Do you realize how sick that sounds? You sound almost as obsessive.
> 
> Both of you had better get real and get your own lives going. You are letting your children get in the middle of you both and using them as a weapon against the other. What you are doing is bordering on mentally unstable.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Indie,
Freak, has given you some very truthful and straightforward thoughts to ponder.

I would also like to add,from what you have said, it sounds as if your H is a; cheating, self-centered and manipulating person. 

However that being said, please don't say bad, put-down comments about your H to your kids.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Dd has her friends over here all the time, they like to come here for sleepovers and hang out. And I stay out of the way! It's h that is clingy with her, not me. She walks to the mall with her friends, go to movies there, they do all kinds of kid things. She prefers her time with me because I let her be a kid. 

I have joined a woman's group and go out with friends. It's h that has no friends or activities, not me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Just stick to the 60/40. Stop worrying about what he wants. Stop listening to his manipulations.

Treat him according to the 180.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

mel123 said:


> please don't say bad, put-down comments about your H to your kids.


I don't have to do that. My H has done a fine job of demonstrating to his kids what a complete and total A-hole he is. He's doing a great job of pushing his kids far, far away from him. 

My son said today "After the divorce is over we won't have anything to do with Daddy and he'll be a sad and lonely man."

I wish I could say that was the case but my H is pushing for 50/50 custody for my 15 year old son, just because he doesn't want to pay child support and give me any money. It's all about money, not being with our son. It's always about money with him. 

Pretty disgusting..


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

My ex pulled the same stuff - made her feel responsible for his happiness and kept expressing how much he missed her when she was gone. 

It isn't the child's duty to make a parent's life fulfilling. She may need counseling to cope with the pressure Dad is putting on her. Mine pressed her until she felt guilty when she didn't take his side and eventually went on to alienate her from me, although at the time she just turned 10 and was easier to manipulate. Now that she's almost 14 she's much better but it's been a long road.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Freak On a Leash said:


> I don't have to do that. My H has done a fine job of demonstrating to his kids what a complete and total A-hole he is. He's doing a great job of pushing his kids far, far away from him.
> 
> My son said today "After the divorce is over we won't have anything to do with Daddy and he'll be a sad and lonely man."
> 
> ...


He can push for 50/50 all he wants. But in the end the boy will live where he wants. Most courts in the US won't force a child of that age to go to a parents' place to live because of the real fears and dangers of runaway kids. They assume the kid will run and live with who they want to.


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