# Selecting a good Marriage Counselor



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

What are the attributes of a good marriage counselor? 

How about certifications?

Just doing a Google doesn't give you much information to go on. 

Thanks


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

Hi HerToo! 

I would say that they need to be married. They should be certified at something but a great counselor is usually great from within, not how many certificates they have on a wall. The best thing is to make sure both you and your wife feel comfortable with him/her - the wrong counselor can really screw things up.

Start by picking two or three, or six. Find out if they will give an initial mini-session or how they will work with you so you can get to know them without having to invest too much in someone that isn't a good fit.

You will know if you have a good counselor if you both feel validated, that even if you talked about some pretty hard subjects that you were left feeling hopeful in regard to what sort of direction to go in, and that they are neutral, not taking sides with either of you.

Good Luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

We went off of the recommendation of a counselor we knew. Otherwise I felt we were just in a crap shoot so look for recommendations from friends, clergy, guidance councelors or an attorney. 

Ours did a good enough job but was a small part of our process IMHO.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Good idea on the initial mini meeting. I don't want to get insurance authorization for someone we don't care for. 

Does years of practice matter at all?

I'm restricted on how many to start with since I have to find one with Friday evenings or weekends available (wife's request).


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Wish I could ask Amp. But my wife wants no one to know. So I can't ask friends (they live out of state anyways), we don't go to church, already asked my IC (can't help since I need evenings or weekends), and I don't know any lawyers either.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

HerToo said:


> Wish I could ask Amp. But my wife wants no one to know. So I can't ask friends (they live out of state anyways), we don't go to church, already asked my IC (can't help since I need evenings or weekends), and I don't know any lawyers either.


You don't have to go to a church to get a recommendation. You could call a few anonymously for some suggestions. Same with a couple of family law attorneys.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Oh, okay. Thanks


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

If you know anyone in the field of psychology, they can make discreet inquiries for recs. I know you don't want to tell anyone, but if you have any connection with a pyschologist they will keep it confidential and ask for recommendations for you.

We have a family member who is a psychologist who asked multiple collagues for recommendations. The therapist we're seeing was mentioned twice without any prompting. She has been great and her style suits us both perfectly. Sometimes the session can sting, because her goal is to make us better people. She doesn't shy away from working on making me a better person too, even though I'm the BS.

One thing my MC highly recommends is doing more therapy together than individual. She says it tends to "stick more" when it's a joint effort and you have someone to be culpable to after a session.

On a side note, she is married and has been a therapist for decades. I have no clue about her credentials, our satisfaction has more to do with how we felt with her and our sessions.

Good luck!


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## Mindful Coach (Sep 15, 2011)

I think experience counts for a lot. How many years it is hard to say, there could be a counselor that has been at it for ten years and hasn't learned much and a counselor that's been working for 1/2 the amount of time that will bring twice the amount of effectiveness. That's one reason why it's important to "interview" a variety.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Just got a call back from one that was listed as being available for Friday evenings. She stated that she has no room for new clients, and knows of no other MC's that do Friday evenings or weekends.

I'll contact my counselor I see personally and ask.

Any recommends on observable behavior that would tell me to find someone else?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

The thing I realized about a bad counsellor we had is that she felt we could get through our issues with "talk therapy". Well we've never had problems talking with each other, even about hard subjects... I like to think at one point on the process we were completely honest with each other. What our counsellor was unable to help us realize is what it was about attraction to each other that was starting to miss, that made us WANT to meet each others needs - don't be afraid of a counsellor that is too polite to be blunt, we sometimes urgently need a 2x4 to the brain.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Now I'm getting frustrated. My wife says she can only make appointments on Thursday or Friday evenings, or Saturday afternoons. And the "evenings" part is after 6pm. That narrows the options way down. When I call, their "evenings" are "last appointment starts at 5."

I hope that the ones who work late and weekends are not the ones that suck at MC and need the business.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Now I'm getting frustrated. My wife says she can only make appointments on Thursday or Friday evenings, or Saturday afternoons. And the "evenings" part is after 6pm. That narrows the options way down. When I call, their "evenings" are "last appointment starts at 5."
> 
> I hope that the ones who work late and weekends are not the ones that suck at MC and need the business.


I would recommend a university that has Marriage and Family therapy programs. I will not avail myself of that option because by H's AP is a Marriage and Family therapy student at our local university. Yes she is going to be an MC, isn't that ironic. She is out drumming up her own business I guess. They generally are more flexible with scheduling and the counseling is guided by professional counselors who may teach classes at the school. It's a thought anyway, good luck to you and your wife.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Is a person with the professional title of "Social Worker" worth looking at? So far, I'm staying clear of that title in favor of "Therapist" or "Psychologist".


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Finally found one. Everyone else was not taking on new clients or not available for the time needed.

It's 10 days away, and I'm already stressed about going.


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Now I'm getting frustrated. My wife says she can only make appointments on Thursday or Friday evenings, or Saturday afternoons. And the "evenings" part is after 6pm. That narrows the options way down. When I call, their "evenings" are "last appointment starts at 5."
> 
> I hope that the ones who work late and weekends are not the ones that suck at MC and need the business.


Why is she so limited with her time? work?


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Is a person with the professional title of "Social Worker" worth looking at? So far, I'm staying clear of that title in favor of "Therapist" or "Psychologist".


The ones we saw were social workers, yeah, they're ok (mine weren't tho lol), but I really think since the issue is so specific, that psychologists would be better. My friend has her own practice, and works weekends and nights because she also has a job in the field as well. I asked her about this, she told me to check the order of psychologists, they have a web site in all provinces, I'm wondering if it's the same in the U.S. That's where I'm headed I think.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Yeah, my work hours, her work hours including some Saturdays.


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