# Steamrolled by a sudden trigger? Why?



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband and I have been doing GREAT! He is transparent, attentive, loving, and very into me and making me feel secure and loved. 

Yesterday I began with the weirdest tickle in the back of my mind. My grandson had a little smear of chocolate on my shadow box table in the living room. The shadow box table that contains and displays the sand from the exact spot on the beach where we stood to take our vows. The vows he shattered. As I wiped away the chocolate, my mind drifted back to that day and all the years since, and the events of last year. I thought to myself, "Now it's just sand. It isn't sacred anymore". 

We had a wonderful Easter. We attended church (his idea to start back to church, btw). We had dinner with our family. Later in the evening we watched a movie together, he with his head in my lap and caressing me. As awesome as the day was, the tickle never went away. It just got bigger without any REASON or PROVOCATION other than wiping that d*mned table (which I've done the last ten months without incident).

When I got into the bath last night I completely and totally lost it! Lost it. Lost it. Hyperventilating, crying, sobbing like crazy. I haven't done that since before verifying NC. It wasn't the kind of panic attack that was filled with "the fear" as I called it. Only grief? Exhaustion? I don't know.

I have been ill the last couple weeks (bronchitis) and besides antibiotics have been on prednisone which keeps me awake, but I've never had a reaction like that. Has anyone else ever been run over suddenly by a trigger that didn't make sense? Where do they come from? I could understand if he had done something or if I had a suspicion, but there are none. WTH is wrong with me?:scratchhead:


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Oh yes....in fact it's probably pretty normal. I think it's the knowledge that the past has been painted over with a film of sadness. A reminder that you held your relationship in careful hands and he gambled on it. 

Even when things are going really really well.....it's still so sad to know that your spouse was weighing the pros and cons of a life with you or without you.


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

I like this article...here is a snippit****

What was the price of forgiveness in Campbell and Sandra’s case? Campbell had been an exceptional husband and father, not perfect by any means, but he’d lived and loved well. For him, forgiveness meant violating his personal beliefs and values. He would never have chosen to be with someone who betrayed, lied, and deceived him. He believed in the sanctity of marriage, and to choose to stay with Sandra came at the price of settling for something he never wanted.

Forgiving infidelity would mean sacrificing his dreams of the type of marriage he’d wanted. He’d never have the opportunity to brag to his children about the fidelity of their marriage. To stay meant sacrificing a marriage that was free from doubts. How could he ever again believe a word that she said if she’d been able to deceive him for 17 years? Staying meant the sacrificing of his dignity. He personally knew two of these men, and he now imagined how they’d seen him as the fool. To stay he’d have to sacrifice his rights. Didn’t he have the right to leave and find another who would be faithful to him? Staying and coping with infidelity meant sacrificing the ability to be honest with family. He couldn’t share his struggles, for fear of more complications. To stay would cost him pride. He’d always believed people who stayed were too weak to leave. To stay would cost his self-respect. He couldn’t believe things he’d said and done in his fits of rage. It would be so much easier to be away from her and not be triggered by her presence. To forgive seemed to make a mockery of all he’d sacrificed for the sake of their marriage. Instead of being proud of what he and Sandra had built, he now felt he’d been played the fool and taken advantage of.

All Campbell ever wanted was to love unconditionally and to be loved by someone special, but now his heart was so full of pain and distrust he wasn’t sure whether he could give himself to Sandra or anyone else again. Could he walk through the pain of her betrayal and face the demons he’d encounter if he ever gave himself to her again? For him, choosing to stay would cost him dearly. 


Forgiving infidelity costs their dignity when they choose to stay rather than leave. It costs them their just due when they choose to forgo justice for the sake of the relationship. It costs them their sanity because they don’t control the painful thoughts invading their mind. Their present-day reality is constantly interrupted with painful memories of the past. It costs them their dreams because this road isn’t one they’d ever planned on traveling. It costs them health because the pain of the offense consumes their life. And I’m only beginning to scratch the surface.

As one who believes in the value of forgiving, I never want to be guilty of cheap grace, where I think it’s something to which I’m entitled. If justice is the standard, then the consequence of betrayal is the loss of relationship. Anything short of that is mercy, indeed. Failing to consider the price paid by others for my sake causes me to be careless with my behavior. Forgiveness and reconciliation are expensive gifts purchased through great suffering and sacrifice on the part of the offended. Failure to understand that reality makes me blind to the love displayed by those who choose to continue on in relationship. 

Affair Recovery: Forgiving Infidelity: The High Price of Forgiveness | Affair Recovery


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

calmwinds said:


> My husband and I have been doing GREAT! He is transparent, attentive, loving, and very into me and making me feel secure and loved.
> 
> Yesterday I began with the weirdest tickle in the back of my mind. My grandson had a little smear of chocolate on my shadow box table in the living room. The shadow box table that contains and displays the sand from the exact spot on the beach where we stood to take our vows. The vows he shattered. As I wiped away the chocolate, my mind drifted back to that day and all the years since, and the events of last year. I thought to myself, "Now it's just sand. It isn't sacred anymore".
> 
> ...


Oh, God, yes! My wife's AP was a bus driver, so, for a long while, I had a trigger every time I saw one of his employer's buses. It does get better, however.


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## TimesOfChange (Mar 20, 2013)

It's normal. I start crying without warning, my mind is empty but it's just pouring out of me. So when i feel that i can't hold it any longer i try to go to a quiet place...
Seeing a baby (or anything that has to do with them), is one of the worst triggers. It all the time reminds me of the pregnancy/apportion and that my wife was with the child of a nother man.


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## ody360 (Feb 1, 2013)

Sorry toear what yo are going through. Honestly im dealing with the exact samething. I just handle it differantly. I just get quite and distant when im having a massive trigger. I hope someday they eventually ease up and are not as intense.. it sucks feeling like you have no control especially when at one time you think about how normal you were. This so blows....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Nothing wrong with you....sometimes it just hits home. It usually does start with that little tickle in the back of your mind, something small that just won't go away. Then, it snow balls usually when things are quiet and calm. Just part of this ride cw.


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## StarGazer101 (Jan 26, 2013)

It's a year since DD on 22nd April - I thought that by now that it wouldn't happen so much. Not so. I really have learned that this will be with me forever in some form or another.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I think it made PERFECT sense. Being sick and being on meds make you more vulnerable because you're not at your best; seeing the sand and realizing it's not sacred now was a blow. We are traumatized. This has wounded us deeply. Sometimes it's a perfect storm of trigger plus other things going on, or it's multiple triggers, but these big outpourings of emotion are pretty normal.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

It's hard to accept the thought that your M will never be the same again. I've had times where I just can't handle the thoughts running through my head to the point where I cry silently while shopping! It's hard sometimes that's for sure. But it's good to get your emotions out. It's not good to bury those types of thoughts away...resentment could build otherwise


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