# How to forgive?



## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

How do I forgive my husband?

We have been married for almost 4 years. I am 27 and he is 31. We have had problems with sex since almost day one. It all started about two months after we started dating when he went on Paxil for anxiety. (six years ago) The Paxil completely destroyed his sex drive, caused erectile dysfunction, and in the process destroyed our sex life. (It made me feel unattractive, it made him frustrated, etc.) He only took if for a few months, but the damage was already done.

For a few years, we fought about sex at least every other month. He continued to have ED problems and would avoid it as much as he could. He would get upset when I initiated. He came up with many excuses to why he didn’t want to have sex. I tried everything to make him want it. He said he didn’t like the pressure of me initiating…so I stopped. He said I was overweight and it was a turn off…so I lost 60 pounds. He said my breath smelled….so I bought a breath kit and used it religiously. Nothing worked. I eventually learned to turn off my sex drive completely. We settled into a once a month routine when he initiates it. 

I learned to not think about him in that way. He is very caring and supportive outside the bedroom, so I tried my best to make that enough for me in this marriage. Whenever I felt turned on, I would masterbate in secret fantasizing about other men. Every once in awhile, I would get frustrated and talk about it. He said sex isn’t everything in a marriage. Every marriage has problems and this is ours…so deal with it. 

We decided recently that we wanted to start a family. In preparation, I went off my birth control for the first time in 10 years. My libido skyrocketed! There was nothing I could do to contain it! In turn, my sexual frustration also skyrocketed. For the first time in our marriage, I was ready to throw in the towel. I had a very frank discussion with my husband about how I feel. I told him I was worried about bringing kids into our lives when I wasn’t sure if I could stay with him for the rest of my life. For the first time, I think he really heard me. We came away from that discussion with a plan to try to have sex every other day. 

That discussion was two months ago. We haven’t had sex every other day, but the longest we have gone is one week. It is a big improvement. He has had about (4) episodes of ED in that time. I always try to be understanding, but its hard to hide my disappointment. I do everything in my power to turn him on. I play with him a lot, give him bjs, dress sexy, etc. When it works, the sex has been good. I should be happy, but for whatever reason I’m not. 

I still feel depressed about it. I know I need to be patient, but its hard to be after all this time. He doesn’t make me feel sexy, he never initiates, and the sex is always about him. We are both always worried about his erection. In addition, today I realized how angry I am with him for the last 5-6 years. I feel like the best years of our marriage are gone. It was a waste and he didn’t do anything to make things better. I feel hopeless. We are finally having regular sex, but I’m still not happy. I can’t let it go.

Does anyone have any words of advice for me? I know this was long and complicated. Thanks for reading.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Have you and your husband considered counseling with a sex therapist?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband seen a doctor about his issue? He should get his hormone levels check. If hormones are not the issue are there drugs like viagra that can help quite a bit.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IMHO sex is the glue, find a counselor and get this rsolved.

Have you started a journel, so that you can keep track of the what,when, why, and how you guys did "it" suceessfully and even started successfully versuse when "it" wasn't successful.

There might a common dinominator that works.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

We talked about going to counseling, but my husband doesn't think it will help. I'm worried it will only add to his performance anxiety. He always talks about how his mom made him to go therapy as a kid and how much it screwed him up. 

I'm not going to make him do one more thing that he doesn't want to do.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

I asked him to go to the doctor and get his testosterone checked. That upset him. He said he is getting older and his testosterone is going to decrease and I need to understand that. (He's only 31!)


A few years back he did go talk to his doctor and got some Levitra. (This doctor didn't do any testing on him. He just assumed my husband had performance anxiety) The Levitra worked at the time, but we were still only having sex like once every two weeks. He ran out of it and now refuses to try it again.

He says he feels less of a man to need a drug to do that for him.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

the guy said:


> IMHO sex is the glue, find a counselor and get this rsolved.
> 
> Have you started a journel, so that you can keep track of the what,when, why, and how you guys did "it" suceessfully and even started successfully versuse when "it" wasn't successful.
> 
> There might a common dinominator that works.


I think journal is a good idea. I might do that just for my own sanity.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband has too many hang ups to want to fix anything in your marriage. 

I'm getting the impression that this is something of a power trip for him. When men withhold sex it is usually based on anger and resentment. Using his 'problem' as an excuse it's a perfect way for him to take control of a very important part of the marriage. I speculate that he feels 'impotent' emotionally and is thus using his physical 'importance' to hurt/control you. And yes a man can cause his own ED. It's actually pretty common that ED is caused by emotional and physical issues.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ImpatientWife said:


> *That discussion was two months ago. We haven’t had sex every other day, but the longest we have gone is one week. It is a big improvement*. He has had about (4) episodes of ED in that time. I always try to be understanding, but its hard to hide my disappointment. I do everything in my power to turn him on. I play with him a lot, give him bjs, dress sexy, etc. When it works, the sex has been good. I should be happy, but for whatever reason I’m not.
> 
> I still feel depressed about it. I know I need to be patient, but its hard to be after all this time. He doesn’t make me feel sexy, he never initiates, and the sex is always about him. We are both always worried about his erection. In addition,* today I realized how angry I am with him for the last 5-6 years. I feel like the best years of our marriage are gone. It was a waste and he didn’t do anything to make things better. * I feel hopeless. We are finally having regular sex, but I’m still not happy. I can’t let it go.
> 
> Does anyone have any words of advice for me? I know this was long and complicated. Thanks for reading.


 You're angry at the last 5-6 years that HE didn't do anything to make it better? I thought that you were in a marriage? That this was a partnership? It took you 5-6 years to finally have the "TALK" with him. Should he be mad at you for waiting so long to finally tell him how you TRUELY felt? Door swings both ways.

And he has a problem. Believe me, I'm sure the man didn't want to have ED. Having ED can cause depression and you telling him that you're not sure you want to have kids with him because you're not sure you want to be with him didn't help matters. Not only with male ego, but to his ED. Oh crap, I better perform or she's going to leave me. I better be able to keep it up this time. The guy is walking on eggshells.

You need to have another talk. His T levels may be off. He might need some blue pills to help hom out. He may need to see a counselor for depression and stress. There are a bunch of things that could be done.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I am going through almost the same thing. My H never told me he wasn't attracted to me but he never seems attracted to me. We fought about sex for many years and I did stop initiating. I had a horrible temper and anger but I did some work with boundaries and also some spiritual work listening to people like Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie and my anger has almost completely diminished. 

We have also decided to try for a baby and so a lot of the past issues are resurfacing for me. I can't just avoid the sex issue now. We've never managed to have sex three days in a row; he just can't get it up. I came on to him the other morning and he couldn't get it up. That was hard for me. It brought back a lot of the old feelings. Luckily I, in no way, feel that I need to do anything different anymore. 

Those feelings used to make me angry, but my anger never solved anything. I was sad the rest of the day. I try to let myself just be sad but realize that there's nothing I can do to make him change. He knows how i feel and there's really nothing else to say about it. I also keep the anger away because although it hurts me a lot, why would I be angry at him for how he feels? I don't think he's doing this to intentionally hurt me, nor do I think he's even completely aware of what's going on for him. I don't know what's going on for him, I just know how I feel and I try to accept that it hurts not having my passion reciprocated. I told him that I wont ever come on to him again and that's that.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

ImpatientWife said:


> He doesn’t make me feel sexy, he never initiates, and the sex is always about him.


This is why you can't forgive him. He has yet to take YOUR feelings into consideration. In fact he seems to be quite oblivious to how badly he's hurt you. Impossible to forgive under these circumstances.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

31 is young, certainly way too young to not have a strong sex drive. He really needs to get check by a doctor as this could be a sign of something more serious that is going on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

The talk we had a few months ago was NOT the first time I've brought it up. It was just the first time things actually changed afterwards. He absolutely knew how I felt. It got to a point where I thought maybe talking about it was compounding the problem, so I just stopped. I just stopped even thinking about sex to try to relieve the pressure. It still didn't work.

I am angry with him for ignoring the issue and ignoring my feelings for all this time. he refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to get his testosterone checked, and he refuses to take any drugs for it. I have tried to be patient and loving. I just recently realized how much I resent him for refusing to help us get through this. That's why I posted. 

I don't think he's trying to control me in any way like someone else mentioned. I feel like he may not trust me completely for some reason. He does have anxiety issues as it is, however there is no other real big stress in our lives. 




crossbar said:


> You're angry at the last 5-6 years that HE didn't do anything to make it better? I thought that you were in a marriage? That this was a partnership? It took you 5-6 years to finally have the "TALK" with him. Should he be mad at you for waiting so long to finally tell him how you TRUELY felt? Door swings both ways.
> 
> And he has a problem. Believe me, I'm sure the man didn't want to have ED. Having ED can cause depression and you telling him that you're not sure you want to have kids with him because you're not sure you want to be with him didn't help matters. Not only with male ego, but to his ED. Oh crap, I better perform or she's going to leave me. I better be able to keep it up this time. The guy is walking on eggshells.
> 
> You need to have another talk. His T levels may be off. He might need some blue pills to help hom out. He may need to see a counselor for depression and stress. There are a bunch of things that could be done.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

I'm sorry you are going through this too! It's maddening. I suppressed my anger for so many years. I think its time to figure this thing out!



Blanca said:


> I am going through almost the same thing. My H never told me he wasn't attracted to me but he never seems attracted to me. We fought about sex for many years and I did stop initiating. I had a horrible temper and anger but I did some work with boundaries and also some spiritual work listening to people like Eckhart Tolle and Byron Katie and my anger has almost completely diminished.
> 
> We have also decided to try for a baby and so a lot of the past issues are resurfacing for me. I can't just avoid the sex issue now. We've never managed to have sex three days in a row; he just can't get it up. I came on to him the other morning and he couldn't get it up. That was hard for me. It brought back a lot of the old feelings. Luckily I, in no way, feel that I need to do anything different anymore.
> 
> Those feelings used to make me angry, but my anger never solved anything. I was sad the rest of the day. I try to let myself just be sad but realize that there's nothing I can do to make him change. He knows how i feel and there's really nothing else to say about it. I also keep the anger away because although it hurts me a lot, why would I be angry at him for how he feels? I don't think he's doing this to intentionally hurt me, nor do I think he's even completely aware of what's going on for him. I don't know what's going on for him, I just know how I feel and I try to accept that it hurts not having my passion reciprocated. I told him that I wont ever come on to him again and that's that.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

It's just tough with the ED problem. We are BOTH trying our hardest to keep him hard. Sex becomes all about him. He is probably so terrified of losing his erection that he can't focus one ounce of energy on me. I just don't know how to break this cycle. When he loses it, I try to be kind and supportive. It's just hard to hide disappointment on my face. 

I just wish we could start all over again. I love him and I want this to work. I just don't know how we can make it happen. 



Mavash. said:


> This is why you can't forgive him. He has yet to take YOUR feelings into consideration. In fact he seems to be quite oblivious to how badly he's hurt you. Impossible to forgive under these circumstances.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

ImpatientWife said:


> It's just tough with the ED problem. We are BOTH trying our hardest to keep him hard. Sex becomes all about him. He is probably so terrified of losing his erection that he can't focus one ounce of energy on me. I just don't know how to break this cycle. When he loses it, I try to be kind and supportive. It's just hard to hide disappointment on my face.
> 
> I just wish we could start all over again. I love him and I want this to work. I just don't know how we can make it happen.


IW, get him to the doctor again. MAKE the doctor pay attention and run tests. His testosterone could be low. My husband was told by his psych today that his problem is "most likely just due to depression"... ummm no. For 4 years, he has been battling depression. It is only in the last month that he has been having the same problem you mentioned about your husband. I don't buy the psych's assessment, and neither does he. As soon as we can get him in to see his primary doctor, he's going. And, if she needs to refer him to a urologist, he will go. He is also 31. I will be 37 next month. I told him that my drive is increasing. I try not to put pressure on him because I know it upsets him. But he knows that he MAY need meds to stay hard. He is ok with that. He also knows it could "simply" be too low testosterone. We are committed to finding out, and fixing the issue. As Shaggy said above, 31 is WAY to young for him to be having this problem. Get him to his doc. And, go in with him. Make sure the doctor actually LISTENS. if he/she doesn't, stop them mid-thought and call them on it. But definitely get it checked out.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

ImpatientWife said:


> The talk we had a few months ago was NOT the first time I've brought it up. It was just the first time things actually changed afterwards. He absolutely knew how I felt. It got to a point where I thought maybe talking about it was compounding the problem, so I just stopped. I just stopped even thinking about sex to try to relieve the pressure. It still didn't work.
> 
> I am angry with him for ignoring the issue and ignoring my feelings for all this time. he refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to get his testosterone checked, and he refuses to take any drugs for it. I have tried to be patient and loving. I just recently realized how much I resent him for refusing to help us get through this. That's why I posted.
> 
> I don't think he's trying to control me in any way like someone else mentioned. I feel like he may not trust me completely for some reason. He does have anxiety issues as it is, however there is no other real big stress in our lives.


 Big difference in tallking and having "THE TALK" I mean, the kind of talk that actually REALLY wakes a person up. If my wife came to me and said, "Hey...you really need to watch the household budget more, we almost overdrafted." I would be like, " Huh? OH Yeah....okay...gotcha...I'm on it."

But if she came to me and said, "LOOK YOU JACKASS!!! I'M NOT HAPPY! I'M TIRED OF DAMN NEAR LIVING FROM PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK! I NEED YOU TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE!! WE NEED TO FIND A FINICAL COUNSELOR OR ELSE WE'RE DONE!!!"

That would probably wake me up.

You also have to understand that having ED is a MASSIVE blow to the male psychy. He probably feels embarassed or ashamed. Therefore, doesn't want to admit that it's a problem. Depressed because he doesn't feel like a real man should. The thing is, you will never understand how that feels because you are a woman.

You will never understand the dread a guy feels when he is, in fact, turned on and then he feels his erection going for no apparent reason. The frustration and the internal anger that he feels. Till he gets to the point that he says to himself. Why bother. And then the feelings of defeat. He's battling a lot of demons that he's not showing you.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

My H doesn't have sex with me often either and I asked him to have his testosterone checked. His levels were so low that the Dr said that if he didn't know who they belonged to, he would have thought it was a womans. He is now on meds to bring it up. It's dangerous to have your testosterone levels that low in many ways. Do some research on it and also make sure you look up what the levels should be. Some drs don't know the newest levels and will say you're okay when you really aren't. Regardless of your sex life, he needs to be concerned for his health. Seriously, testosterone controls and affects other things and can cause major issues.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Oh, and he's only in his 30's.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

I just wanted to update on what's going on with me and my husband and get some insight from others. I DID convince him to go to the doctor to talk about his low libido/ED issues. Although my husband resents me for making him go to the doctor. (he has openly said that to me) The doctor prescribed him daily cialis and ran some bloodwork for testosterone. The cialis seems to have helped his ED issues, but he still does not have what I would consider a healthy sex drive. I was so anxious to find out his testosterone results. It took 2 whole weeks to get a letter in the mail that said, "testosterone levels appear normal." I was so mad the results didn't have numbers in them. From what I have read, some men have levels in the normal range but are still extremely low for a man in his early thirties. My husband was happy that he was normal and does not want to pursue the low testosterone route at all. Why do I STILL think he has low testosterone, well listen to this story below:

The cialis has essentially cured his ED. We haven't had problems with erection issues since. However, it has been 10 days since we had sex. Relative to before we ramped up our sex life it is not long at all, but it is killing me now that I have let my husband back into my heart. (as in my sexual heart) My husband will not have sex with me when I am on my period. My period has been over for 2 days now. On Thursday I was still spotting a little bit, so I didn't expect sex, but I was still horny so I gave him the most amazing blowjob. He came. He has never cum from a blowjob before. (atleast that's what he tells me and I know I he hasn't since we've been together) I was so proud of myself. I figured that session would REALLY turn him on. We talked about having sex the next night since my period was winding down. So, Friday night comes. I put on this great camisole thats a little see through. I even rub my nipples a little bit so I come out into the bathroom with these great hard nipples. I climb on him with my hard nipples, straddle him and give him some passionate kisses. NO REACTION. When I ask him if he wants sex, he says no he doesn't want to have sex because he really needs to shower, but he's too tired to do it now. I tell him I understand and say, "that's OK honey, we'll do it tomorrow." (I honestly restrained myself and tried not to be disappointed) He tells me it would be great to have some afternoon sex after we both shower. I am appeased, but it still irks me a little bit that he doesn't even react to my little show.

So today is Saturday, the day we are supposed to have great afternoon sex after we shower. We both get up and drink some coffee and start a few household chores. Around 11:30 I tell him I'm going to go up to shower. I figured he would want to follow me, but he doesn't. No biggie, we have all day. After the shower, I go to the store to get some stuff for us to make lunch. (I figure he's going to shower while Im gone) He doesn't shower. Before long it's 4:30 and we've been sitting on the couch together watching college football all afternoon. He still hasn't showered and our college football team plays at 6:00, so I knew we had to get this sex on the road if it was going to happen. I ask him if he's going to shower in the most polite way I can. He is obviously a little annoyed with me and says, "yes I will." He waits until 5:00 to go shower. 

By this time I am emotionally broken. He wasn't going to go shower until I spoke up. I felt like he was trying to procrastinate as long as possible so he would have to have sex with me. 

After he goes up to shower I start dinner and start crying uncontrollably. I am 27 years old, I am attractive, and my husband doesn't really want me. Its all down hill from here for me. All these months the only sex we have had was when I initiated it. My husband does not desire me at all. 

I am still crying when he gets done. He asks what's wrong and I tell him exactly what I just wrote. We have a huge blow up fight about it. He says he just doesn't have the sex drive of an average man and I need to accept it. He says he just doesn't think about sex that much. 

I just don't know if I can live with this type of relationship. I need a man who wants me and gives me affection. I need a man who desires me and initiates sex with me. Someone who gets turned on by a see through cami and hard nipples. 

I think that's all I can write right now. Thanks for your replies and honesty. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive and never will? Maybe I'm just expecting too much.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ImpatientWife said:


> I am still crying when he gets done. He asks what's wrong and I tell him exactly what I just wrote. We have a huge blow up fight about it. He says he just doesn't have the sex drive of an average man and I need to accept it. He says he just doesn't think about sex that much.


I'm so glad you told him exactly how you feel. he needs to know. you can't try and be the happy wife fixing things and always trying to make it work. follow how you feel, and express how you feel, and things will get better. 

Remember keeping him isn't really the objective. your happiness is the objective. If you're emotionally honest with yourself at all times you will find happiness - even if it means losing him. 



ImpatientWife said:


> I think that's all I can write right now. Thanks for your replies and honesty. Maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive and never will? Maybe I'm just expecting too much.


this is the limbo i find myself in, too. it's the most confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking, not to mention humiliating situation. i thought if my H quit looking at porn that our sex life would get better. not so much. i also dressed up in sexy lingerie and surprised him one day - he looked at me and then said he was busy. nice. ya, i cried a lot. and then i threw away every piece of lingerie i owned. i have many of those experiences. 

hang in there. it got better for me. i'm sure it'll get better for you.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

Blanca said:


> this is the limbo i find myself in, too. it's the most confusing, frustrating, heartbreaking, not to mention humiliating situation. i thought if my H quit looking at porn that our sex life would get better. not so much. i also dressed up in sexy lingerie and surprised him one day - he looked at me and then said he was busy. nice. ya, i cried a lot. and then i threw away every piece of lingerie i owned. i have many of those experiences.
> 
> hang in there. it got better for me. i'm sure it'll get better for you.


Thank you for the reply. I have also had this experience. My husband used to look at porn and masterbate every night before we met. I think that was the initial cause of his ED. My V and my body just wasn't enough stimulation for him after all his porn use. He doesn't look at porn anymore. (and I believe him) I have been shot down many times after dressing up in sexy lingerie before. 

He has very specific interests - school girl costumes, cheerleading costumes, and knee high socks. I have done all of those for him, but I can't be a cheerleader every time we have sex. Plus, I have a real true *need* for HIM to initiate sex. But, I have to be dressed up as someone else for him to be interested in the first place. 

How did your sex life get better? What can I do? Things seem to get better and then I just lose it because I'm not completely getting my needs met.


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I didn't forgive until the behavior that hurt stopped and she understood where I came from.

I don't think you will forgive until he changes enough to be willing to meet your needs. The cealis is a good step in that direction. 

Sorry, I have no clue about how to get him interested in initiating.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Impatientwife

If you think that it is best for you then give my post to your husband.

Tell your husband I said that he is selfish and inconsiderate. If he is a real man he will do whatever it is to be a man to the wife HE DECIDED TO MARRY!

Mr. Impatientwife, Dude, you are a cop out! If you screwed up your sex attitudes with your porn then it is your responsibility to get it right. The least you can do right now is to take care of your wife sexually before someone else does.

Mr. Impatientwife you are committing a very serious violation of your marriage vows for your marriage relationship. You are destroying your wife’s self image and it is your responsibility to fix that. Man up and tale care of your wife!

*You can get mad a t me all you want but if you do not take care of your wife then you are going to suffer either now or in the future. It is not a matter of IF but WHEN!* You can do better if you really wanted to. Do you have any balls? Stop with all of your punk-AZZ excuses




> *Quote of Impatientwife*
> He said he didn’t like the pressure of me initiating…so I stopped. He said I was overweight and it was a turn off…so I lost 60 pounds. He said my breath smelled….so I bought a breath kit and used it religiously. Nothing worked.
> 
> he refuses to go to counseling, he refuses to get his testosterone checked, and he refuses to take any drugs for it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> I feel like the best years of our marriage are gone.


why?


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

SSRIs do not do permanent damage to your sex life. It doesn't work that way. When the drug stops the problem stops. It sounds like a snowball effect where performance anxiety started because of the drug and he has mind effed himself. Its a vicious cycle but he can get out of it with counseling.


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

ImpatientWife said:


> The cialis seems to have helped his ED issues, but he still does not have what I would consider a healthy sex drive.
> 
> It took 2 whole weeks to get a letter in the mail that said, "testosterone levels appear normal." I was so mad the results didn't have numbers in them. From what I have read, some men have levels in the normal range but are still extremely low for a man in his early thirties. My husband was happy that he was normal and does not want to pursue the low testosterone route at all.
> 
> Maybe he just doesn't find me attractive and never will?


I'm in the same boat except my H doesn't have ED. My H's doc told him his testosterone level was 'normal' when it is in the 5th percentile for a man 85 years old (but my H is early 50's). My H has been low drive for 15+ years and I wish I had gotten informed and pushed for action and treatment 15 years ago.

I suggest you order the book 'Testosterone for Life' by Morgentaler. Read it, let your H read it, then give it to his doctor. It explains how many doctors do not understand what is truly low T and how to accurately measure it. The book explains that 'normal' doesn't mean 'optimal', it just means you aren't in the lowest 2.5% for ALL men, not based on age. So my husband's level of 300 (which is 5th percentile for an 85 year old), was considered 'normal', what a joke.

Call your H's doc and ask for the actual numbers. Your H will need his 'free T' or SHBG levels checked also, not just total T. If his total T is less than 400 ng/dl, that is a bad sign. Really it should be at least 500-600, but 600-700 ng/dl (first thing in AM) is average for his age.

There might be other things affecting his libido that need to be checked, e.g. a pituitary problem or varicoceles.

Cialis and Viagra help with erections only but not desire. 

If you are trying to get pregnant, your H probably won't be able to go on T supplements per se (that temporarily decreases fertility until he goes off of it). Instead the doc can give him HcG or Clomid which increase testosterone without decreasing fertility.

Your H won't get more interested in sex on his own if he has low T. It doesn't mean you aren't attractive, but yes, he won't have that kind of desire for you that sufficient testosterone enables. He will procrastinate and avoid sex a lot of the time, and it is not because he doesn't love you. 

If I were you, I would use some other form of birth control and not try for kids until you find out if your H is really willing to do all he can to fix the situation. That means he needs to be willing to get hormone treatments for his low T, go to sex therapy, and work with a urologist for his ED. Yes he might feel like 'less than a man' at first, but he needs to come to terms with this and you can't let him just ignore it. (But if he does get treated and if it is successful, he will eventually be very thankful and feel like a stud and very self-confident!) 

If he refuses, don't agree to try to get pregnant. Condoms make ED worse and going off and on the pill might not be too great for you, maybe try a diaphragm or NuvaRing or cervical cap. Or to be less obvious to him, the natural method of monitoring mucus and basal temperature is fairly good. 

You need your H to know that this is so serious that he could lose you if he doesn't take the libido issue seriously and get help for it. If you are pregnant, he will not believe you might leave anytime soon.

Your resentment isn't going to just go away if you try to ignore the issue. It will require your H to face up to his libido issue and take action to solve it.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

Make sure you get the actual numbers and get online and do your research! I don't remember offhand but when I researched it for my H, it said that many times the Dr will accept a certain number as "normal" but the reality is that it isn't. You need to look this up. It gives you the info online as to what the actual numbers should be. Also, this should be check by an Endocronologist, not your family dr.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

"He continued to have ED problems" 

I can imagine how less of a man he feels... How embarrassing it is... A man equates his manliness by how long his penis is, and erections. In a twisted way, going for help would be good, but also admitting that in a way, "Less than a man". Please be supportive and help him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ImpatientWife said:


> but I can't be a cheerleader every time we have sex. Plus, I have a real true *need* for HIM to initiate sex. But, I have to be dressed up as someone else for him to be interested in the first place.
> 
> How did your sex life get better? What can I do? Things seem to get better and then I just lose it because I'm not completely getting my needs met.


I know exactly what you mean. I need my H to initiate also. I think he has a hard time doing that since he's so used to watching porn. 

I did so many things - as did he. But the biggest thing was that I had to stop putting myself in situations to get turned down. there was no way I could heal if i still felt rejected by him. I started to ask myself, 'why would I want to have sex with him???' He sucked at it. I mean really, think about it. It sucks for you pretty much every time right? It's not even good or satisfying when it's over. All this time we're fighting for something that we think should be but never actually materializes. So it started to reverse for me - it was me who now realized that I didn't want him. That makes it a hell of a lot easier. 

I did so many other things, though. Namely dealing with my resentment. I took a couple years of emotional hiatus from the relationship to calm my soul. I had to deal with just me. I read a lot of books like boundary books, earkhart tolle, bryan katie, radical forgiveness, seat of the soul, and emotional intelligence. I also found a career that i'm passionate about.

Some where in the process of me healing myself my H came around. he's much more loving and emotionally available. our sex life is better, much better. he initiates a couple times a week. it happens so slowly though. it's almost like a plant growing; one day it's just a beautiful flower and you're not even sure how it happened. my sex life is not exactly what i want but i feel like everything is getting much better and i think it will continue to slowly improve. 

But keep in mind that I stopped wanting my marriage to work. I started wanting me to be happy.


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## ImpatientWife (Jul 15, 2012)

So, I got my husband's testosterone results back and I"m not sure how to interpret them. On the surface they look normal to me, but what do you think?

Free T: 15.3 pg/mL (normal 8.7 - 25.1)
Testosterone, Serum: 564 ng/dL (normal 348-1197)

I'm not sure if the free T is good or not.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Looks to be in the normal range


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> SSRIs do not do permanent damage to your sex life. It doesn't work that way. When the drug stops the problem stops. It sounds like a snowball effect where performance anxiety started because of the drug and he has mind effed himself. Its a vicious cycle but he can get out of it with counseling.


I agree with this possibility..the "negativity" surounding his sexaul life and Im sure the "arguments " it sounds like that ensued around it have had an "impact"..to where the "thought of sex" is shrouded in "failure" he may choose to avoid that as anything "positive " or a future in it better to just "avoid" it..

Has anyone ever said you are a great lover when he succeeded?Or only just told him how bad he sucked at it when he failed?

I mean come on...

Why would he even care?If its a source of "personal failure" ???


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## Kari (Feb 17, 2012)

ImpatientWife said:


> So, I got my husband's testosterone results back and I"m not sure how to interpret them. On the surface they look normal to me, but what do you think?
> 
> Free T: 15.3 pg/mL (normal 8.7 - 25.1)
> Testosterone, Serum: 564 ng/dL (normal 348-1197)
> ...


Hm, this isn't too bad. It would be better if his total T were 600-700 ng/dl and his free was 20 pg/ml. So his levels aren't ideal (are somewhat low for his age) but the levels are not really bad.

Maybe he is addicted to masturbating to porn. Can you put a keylogger on his computer to check to see if this is happening (without asking him or arousing his suspicions which would make him more careful to hide it)?

A lot of men with ED masturbate to porn instead of risking sex with their wives. Looking back at your posts, I see you said he doesn't look at porn anymore and you believe him. Well something doesn't add up. Lots of guys get really good at hiding their porn use. It is worth a bit of snooping.

Or maybe your H is addicted to using his hand and fantasizing without using porn. Did you ask him how often he 'self services'? Did you ask him how often he gets morning erections? How often he has sexual thoughts? If he still has drive but is just using another outlet, that is a whole different problem from having a low libido, and you need to figure out which is the true case.

Is he overweight? Does he smoke? Does he have high blood sugar? Taking any other meds?

Has he had a full hormone panel including thyroid check, plus the standard blood tests like liver and kidney function?

I would put the burden still on his doc to find out what are things could cause his libido problems and ED problems.

Try to insist your H take the ED meds (Staxyn or Cialis or whatever) until he regains his confidence.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

crossbar said:


> Big difference in tallking and having "THE TALK" I mean, the kind of talk that actually REALLY wakes a person up. If my wife came to me and said, "Hey...you really need to watch the household budget more, we almost overdrafted." I would be like, " Huh? OH Yeah....okay...gotcha...I'm on it."
> 
> But if she came to me and said, "LOOK YOU JACKASS!!! I'M NOT HAPPY! I'M TIRED OF DAMN NEAR LIVING FROM PAYCHECK TO PAYCHECK! I NEED YOU TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE!! WE NEED TO FIND A FINICAL COUNSELOR OR ELSE WE'RE DONE!!!"
> 
> ...


You just gave examples of everything a woman feels when she has to face that her hubby has ED


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