# Wife Cheated Last year, twists and turns and no trust in the end



## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well, I dont know where to start.
Maybe introducing myself and those involved.
Me, I'm 27. Wife is 24. We have a 2 year old son. The "friend" she banged is also 24, they went to school together.

For names sake, I'm Tim. Lets call my wife Erica, and her lover John.

It happened last year in early March. Erica had been on antidepressants because after having the baby she went through a very horrible postpartum swing. I was in my senior year of college. We rented a nice duplex, she worked full time and I commuted to school (round trip 3 hours). I dont know how, but somehow I would end up stuck cleaning the house when I was home, doing dishes, scrubbing the bathroom down. I also watched our son the most, even though I had more on my plate at the time. My stress level was so high that I discovered I had ADHD. Apparently I always had it but could control it, stress makes it worse, to the point i noticed something was wrong with me (couldnt concentrate on anything related to school). I got little blue pills, helped tremendously, actually I say it fixed it.

During the last few months leading up to her cheating, I noticed a change in her behavior. She started going online more, opened a Myspace account and seemed almost obsessed with it. She knew I wanted nothing with online socializing because when I was 17 I did the online dating thing and lost my viriginity to a really fat girl, something I regret everyday of my life. So I stayed away from Myspace.

Anyways, one day she called me over to the computer and showed me how she found John on Myspace. She was almost overecstatic about it. John was in Iraq. I knew they were messaging back and forth, and I just gave her space. She gave me the impression that she showed me every message he sent her and vice versa. I tried to get into it, tried to laugh at funny things she showed me about him, but I let it be her thing. It did feel weird though. Something was off but I convinced myself otherwise and didnt dare say anything because she would accuse me of being jealous (as she had before). I wasn't jealous, I was just concerned. When your spouse is all flirty with someone, thats fine, but theres a line. Thats not jealousy. 

Anyway, I get word that he is back in town on leave. She shows me messages of him inviting her out, and I can come too and how he wants to see the baby. I go along with it. I arrange babysitting so we could go out on some friday night. The babysitter flaked and she flipped. She pesters me and puts a guilt trip on me saying how bad she feels for John and how she doesnt know how she is going to break it to him. 

Finally, out of sheer sarcasm, I say "fine, I'll stay home with baby then and YOU go out." I didn't mean it, I said it thinking that it would become apparent to her that she is thinking more about John's feelings than her husband. To my amazement she says "Really?! Oh thank you baby!" Next thing I know, her phone is ringing off the hook, and she is frantically getting dressed, putting make up on.... talking to him on the phone, giggling and all excited. She looked all pretty now, and didnt even give me the time of day in her rush to leave. I act bashful but it became increasingly apparent that I was being ignored. Finally I HAVE to ask what her plans were, where they were going, when she'd be back...etc. I barely get anything out of her except that she is going to drive to a gas station, and have him follow her back to our place, park her car at home and then get in his car, and head out to a pool hall. 

This was odd to me, and felt like stopping all of it but I felt so stifled. I ask her why she just wont drive herself and she says "I hate parking, you know that." 

John shows up in a beatup red truck with some girl in it. The girl gets out, Erica scoots to the middle bench next to John, and the girl gets back in. They drive off. Odd how he didnt come to see our son as he said before, or to even say hi to me (we were all "friends").

I was alone with our innocent and oblivious son. I felt dumped.
I still trusted her though. I never imagined that they would do anything but something was wrong and I felt...like I was in prison. The whole night, I watch the clock. 

...i need a break, let me post this and I'll come back and post the rest in a few mins.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

This is all a little hard for me. This is the first time I'm writing about this. It gets very weird so if you can bare through it, its gets crazier than a movie I swear.

They left at 4pm...tick tock. 6pm I send her a picture on her phone of our son making a mess, it was sorta cute but I wanted her to call me. tick tock, 6pm she calls me, says everything is going good and asks how our son was doing. I called her twice an hour afterwords, no answer. I call at 8pm, no answer. 10:30pm she calls me, I try not to sound annoyed, and I didnt want to have to ask her when she was coming home, she asks if I called her, I say no. She acts like nothing is wrong. Finally, in a forced cheerful voice I ask "_So whats going on, are you coming home tonight? Because I need to know._" She says "of course", and "whats the matter with you!?" and that she will be home soon. 

11pm, I see headlights through the window. I get in bed and pretend to sleep. She comes in, turns on the light and all excited says "Hey baby!". She gets undressed and crawls in bed, hugs me from behind. She does a little hip grind on me and says "I want you" and kisses me on the neck. I act like I'm sleeping because I was pissed off at this point. She says "I know your awake, I saw the light on." I turn around and tell her she smells. 

"I smell?" erica says.
"Yes...you stink...like cologne and alcohol" i say. It was a pungent smell...and my gut feeling was that is smelled like 'him'.
I was disgusted, and roll over.

She pauses, and then says "Oh! I know what it is, its Dragon Slayer! It was good! You should have some when we go out again. He says he wants you to come next time!"

I ask her what she did. After everything she said, I asked "and then what?" 

Finally we got to a part where she says at around 8pm they took that girl home. This struck me as odd, and I asked then where they went after that. 
She hesitates and says, "no where." 
Me: "No where?" (sarcastic)
Erica: "Well...uh, we drive back to the pool hall"
Me: (sarcastic) "really..."
We go back and forth, and she sticks to her guns saying they went back to the pool hall. I lie and tell her i called the pool hall and they closed at 9pm, so what the **** did they do after that. 

She says "well we stood outside talking". 
Me: "really....for 2 hours?" 
Erica: "Yes, his dad came showed up and he looks like Sayid" from Lost, our favorite show.
So nonchalant she was. At that point, I went into denial about my instincts and completely trusted her.

Ok...break time. 
Sorry this is a novel. I need to get this off my chest somewhere. Writing is better than talking, I've done too much of that with counselors already. Seems like my words disappear in the air when I talk.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Take your time. I'm sure this is very difficult.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya dont apoligize we understand here! I am sorry about all the craZap you are going through but we will listen!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

You guys are about our same age we went through a stupid stage in figuring us out to!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*-The double Date-*
The following week, we all go out together. Up to that, he called her everyday, and it seemed like she didnt want to answer the phone when he called. I would ask what the matter was and answer the freaking phone. He called like 3 times a day (atleast from what I saw).

So we went out to the same pool hall. He had a really skinny (skin and bones!) 20 year old with him who couldnt drink. We played pool and drank corona's. Odd thing was, they left me with HIS date. He was all over her (attention wise) and I just watched. They flirted right in front of me, and he asked her to touch his muscles at one point. Finally at that point I intervened and asked what it was they were talking about....he turns to me and shows me "look, I fell on this arm and see how its different from the other?" or some bull crap. 
*
-The flirting-*
They ignored me the whole night. At one point, John's date asked me if I was ok. John would give me glances like he was enjoying this. It felt like he was crapping on my manhood, and at this point I didnt know anything happened, thats how powerful the situation was. They talked in a low voice, not in an inclusive manner. If i tried to join in their conversation, John would clam up, and Erica would continue looking at him, smiling, sparkles in her eyes.

*-Depression and suspicions-*
After that, I fell into a depression. I would come home and zone out. Erica would be extra cheerful. She was obsessed with "getting back in shape". Eventually, John went back to Iraq.

3 weeks later, Erica invites me to go on a stroller run, and said how I needed to try to be attractive because I was letting myself go. I go with her. Finally, she asks if I'm ok. I ask about John. She gets mad and says "OMG, you are so jealous" I said I wasnt. Actually, I was inquiring about her past with him because she always insisted on being friends. I barely got another word in when she yells at me, on the street, in public "NOTHING HAPPENED!" Then she visually holds back from saying more, and runs away. Literally, runs away from me. 

I go back home, alone and wait for her. I decide to snoop. Her computer had her myspace account open. I found comments on his page from her saying how she is working out and trying to get back in shape. I read the messages in her inbox too.

*-The Emails-*
Remember how I said she would show me all the emails he sent her? Well I found two very interesting ones from that time while he was in Iraq that was not shared. They reminisced on the days they would have "_make out sessions on the couch_", she sent him an email back saying "_and on your bed on the floor_" or something. I found another email from a few days after they had their little date. It was from him saying "_I'm good, just thinking about someone I can never have_" I felt sick. I still didnt think anything really happened. I just thought how unfair it was and how there WAS something _there_ because for as long as I knew her, she insisted they were just friends and that he tried kissing her once but she stopped it and that was it. What a lie!

She comes back home, and she is all pissed. She tell me how I'm just jealous, that I've always been jealous. Finally I had enough and tell her I found emails. I show them to her. She drops her guard. After that, she became extra nice, and tells me that even though it was innocent, it was wrong of her to talk with him like that...yadda yadda. she is all sorry. 
*
-aggressive behavior-*
I think I mentioned before on another thread how she began having little fits here and there, would be very mean to me, and it would always end in a statement like "I knew this wouldnt work" or "I'm breaking up with you." She would do this between her niceness phases. They were seemingly out of the blue, and usually when she was going somewhere like work. 

*-breaking up-*
Finally, after one of her fit sessions, I called her at work and took her up on her offer of breaking up. I told her I was tired of hearing that. She said ok to it all. Then I humbly asked if I could sleep in our son's room while I finished school because I would NOT be able to graduate and take care of our son otherwise. Our lives would otherwise be seperate. She aggreed. We made more agreements like not bringing anyone home etc...

about 20 minutes later, she calls me. At this point I'm at school, trying to concentrate. She is crying. I figure she is trying to get back with me. I try to consul her. Then, she says "I slept with John". I dont know what came over me, I let this scream out like it was all pent up. I run outside, screaming into the phone. At this point, half the campus is looking at me. I walk into the woods and demand to know everything.

*-She cheated-*
Not only did she cheat on me that night they went out, but she also visited him afterwards. I pressed her so hard for info, I wanted every detail. She was reluctant to tell more, she cried. I got my interogation technique down with her. I would start with a broad question, then narrow down on a detail that seemed to be missing from her testimony or a detail that just didnt seem right. I trusted my instincts now...I squeezed her for info. I got a lot, except, theres still more I know it. She wont tell. She acts like thats it, thats all she has, but then a few days later more would come out, and then she would clam up. Every step, I would find it in my heart to forgive her.
At one point I went on John's page posted publically how nice it was that he slept with my wife, and how "i guess she owed you". John deletes it from his page, and doesnt attempt to contact me.

So here's what really happened. 
After the pool hall they went to his house, but not without stopping first at the blockbuster to rent "300"....they drove past our house. That was around 8pm. 
She sat on his couch while he poured her a drink of some sort.
He wanted her to drink it all. She claims she took only a sip and put it down. She was "tired". They watched the movie sitting together on the couch until she felt really tired. He then kissed her and "I kissed back" she says. They went upstairs to his room. She laid on his bed, and he took her pants off, and screwed her missionary. He came on her belly (told me this detail days later). 

The whole cumming on her belly thing got me thinking. I asked her if they used a condom. she just shook her head no. NOW HERE IS WHERE I GET PISSED BEYOND BELIEF! She had an IUD, so as husband and wife, we would safely have unprotected sex. Well it had been a month since John came on my wife, and my wife dares to come home and say she "wants me" the same night. Not only that, for one month afterwords she has been having unprotected sex with the idiot that is me. I got pissed. 
I tell her that I know for a fact he slept with someone else because I talked to his friend about it. Finally, I think the gravity of the situation sets in at this point in and she goes straight to her computer. She keeps on saying "oh god oh god". 
I tell her she needs to get tested right away and that she owes me at least that.

*-Now here is where it gets weird-*
She emailed John in Iraq. Part of the agreement is that i have access to her email. I read it, and she says 

"_I just want to tell you that this ruined my life and I lost everything that means the most to me. Do you have ****ing STDs because I need to know!_"

The next day, she gets a response from him and I read it first. 
He calls her a ****, and that HE should get REtested because she is skanky. 

Then John emails me. The first paragraph is him telling me what a piece of sh*t I was. He tells me how much she needs me right now because she doesnt know that he actually drugged her and that she just couldnt help herself and how she probably doesnt know she was drugged. 

I email back asking what he gave her, he refuses to answer, challenges me for when he returns, and proceeds to make a death threat against me. 

Of course, I call my wife at work and tell her she needs to go to the police station because I already called the cops. I tell her about the emails. 

*-Police-*
The police show up and I hand them the printed emails. The first thing they say to me is "Look, I just want you to prepare yourself because it may come out later that she actually did want to have sex that night" I was in a daze. I trusted the system and although that statement took me back, I felt like this was a slam dunk and that John would be extradited back to the USA and convicted. 

To make a longer story slightly less long, my wife ends up being interrogated for 2 hours. It goes to the DA and they interrogate her another 2 hours. A few weeks later, the DA called and said they were dropping the case. "Not enough evidence"
Police and DA say that they think John was just trying to "save" our marriage by saying such things. I thought that was rediculous. 

Theres more...break time..
should I even write about this? DOes anyone care? Its too long huh? I can write a book  lol


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

wow, ok you guys are listening. Thanks!


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## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

Hey Tim,

I can relate to what you are dealing with, keep your head up. One thing I have learned is once you know what is happeneing, you tend to get yourself worked into a rage constantly thinking about it. Digging for details will not serve any purpose except to get yourself more worked up. You know it happened, why add to your misery? If you still care for her, just try your best to work it out........my two cents, good luck.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

wow wow wow are you guys still together and were you friends with this john or just her?


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Keep it coming Tim, I'm reading, but honestly going to hold my comments/opinions until the whole story is out.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thanks for the responses. The rest will come out sometime today. I need to give attention to my 2 year old. Poor guy is starting to freak with me not paying attention to him.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Lets address the major point that everything flowed from first. Her desire to go out with him alone, and then going to his place. My belief is he didn't have to drug her at all. I would have told her, "If you want to go out with him alone without me, wait 5 minutes because it will take that long for me to pack and leave you. You knew how unnaturally excited she was to go out with him. This should have never been allowed. Especially when she was on AD and having PPD. I know this is all water under the bridge now. But she may want to do something like this in the future. You have basically been put in the position of being a parent to her. And she is chaffing at the perceived control you have over her.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I'm sorry for what you are going through. Having gone through a pretty bad situation myself I know its helped me to talk about it on this board. Waiting for the rest of how this ended up but all I can say at this point is that if you cannot trust her again then you need to leave her. This guy sounds like a real piece of crap but even if he did drug her, he didn't need it. She was definately in to it and disrespected you and your marriage. If you do still love her and are willing to give this another chance she has to cut all communication with him, be 100% truthful with you, and 100% committed to making this work. She needs to understand that there will be times when you will be angry or sad, and the smallest thing will trigger it something you remember. She needs to support you through that, cry with you when you do and not ever have te attitude of "can't you just get over this". She needs to give you any other details now not later. If she can do this then you have a chance, if not, say goodbye now. You will end up becoming angry and bitter and leaving her anyway or she you. 

I say this firsthand, switch this around because it was my husband and a trusted friend. Just like you they flaunted it in front of me only it went on about 8 months. We actually went places with her and her family and my children! Anyway, what I outlined above were my conditions and he's extremely remorseful and said he will do anything to make it right. 

I'm not sure it can ever be made right, I will never forget but I hope to one day get past it. Its only been 7 months since I found out so there's still time. 

I don't know if you've decided to try to work it out or to move on. Don't stay with her because of your son though, he deserves to live in a house where his parents are not angry and bitter. If that is the case, he'd be better off with you two divorced. I hope it does not come to that though. Do protect your rights though, you deserve to be in your son's life and share custody so if you decide that you need to leave her, please speak to an attorney before you tell your wife. Protect you, protect your son.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Wow, thank you for the responses. I totally feel for all of you and I appreciate the advice.

*AZMOMOFTWO:*Thanks. I'm sorry about what your husband did. And I can only imagine how horrible it must feel to know that you trusted both of them and that it was happening under your nose the whole time. I can imagine that you have flashbacks about what you were doing the moment they were having sex, because thats exactly what continues to happen to me. I remember how I was starring at the clock the hole time, and I would try to do dishes. The worst thing is remembering those redflags that you ignored. It cuts deep when the pieces fit together, and knowing that you WERENT crazy! Anyways, its still fresh for you it sounds. 7 months....not long enough. Heck I'm 1-year-in and suddenly the feelings become raw. Really, its a traumatic experience when your trust is broken. It would almost have been easier if I WAS the jealous husband. At least I would have felt redeemed, like..."I knew it" kind of feeling.

*Initfortheduration:*I think you nailed it. He didnt have to drug her. Just recently I found out that they met up prior to their little date. That detail wouldnt matter if she told me herself but she didnt. I found out through the grape vine. In fact, she doesnt even know that I know this. This just tells me she is a liar at the core! She tailors her stories and leaves key things out, and does it with a straight face. According to her, the night of her indiscretion was the first time they met up! After John emails me she confessed that she went to his house the next day to "try to figure out what happened". I specifically asked if there was any other time she met up, and she insisted there wasnt. My trust now is like Zilch. I dont know how to even bring it up because I shouldnt know this detail.

*sunflower* We were all friends but I only knew John briefly, but she went to high school with him. We all worked at the same place, and John likes to think he set us up and introduced us which is simply not true. He was a mutual friend and that was it. On the other hand, non of us were John's friends....he was a user. Actually, it wasnt until after all this that his behavior from the past started to make sense. He was and still is diabolical, and scheming. He has a grudge against both of us and it really came out during this ordeal. Its probably not important here though, and I really dont care about him. Yes we are still together, but looking back on this whole thing I'm realizing that my healing process froze after John's email to me. Erica used it as an excuse and she basically has been off the hook ever since. I can't talk about her indiscretions because she takes an attitude that she was raped and that she is the victim and that her judgement was compromised. So I can't ask "why did you do (blank)?" or "Why did you say (blank)" anymore. Everything that she was doing before, that was actually helping me heal, stopped that day John emailed me.

*donaldduck* Yea I really need to stop with the details I guess. You are right i get worked up into a rage. Actually, writing all this down has brought back so much that I exploded 1 hour ago. I yelled at my wife to get off the computer and to go spend time with her son who had been missing her all day and was currently playing by himself in his room. I slammed things around and she tried lecturing me about it, then an ungodly sounding voice came out of me telling her that she can't tell me what to do. Funny thing is, she shut up after that and played with our son, then got him dressed and took him to the park. I'm typing this right in front of her and its pretty awkward in here now.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Freedom*

Ok the title is decieving. I'm not "free" as in divorced. i'll get to the part of being free in a minute.

Its really late, 12:20am and my wife and I are on individual computers. I had the sudden urge to write more. 

*-College-*
As I mentioned before I was in my senior year of college when all this went down. As you can imagine, family drama and school just dont mix. I almost flunked out. I managed to salvage the most important course, senior design, which was a two part course and I was in the second part. If I failed that one I would not have graduated for another year. The other course I had to drop. I told the TA that my wife had been raped and she went to the professor with it. The professor called me and told me to drop and to not worry, come back in the Fall. I was devastated but that was the best. Within a week, all my professors knew. One professor cried in the office when I told him what I was going through and why I was struggling. He told me his sister was raped and that he felt like shooting the guy in the face. Then he told me that although they deserve that, that we have to get help or it WILL consume us. 

I was in a daze. I talked to so many counselors. I was so ****ed up in the head! Imagine, you go from trying to heal your spouse cheating to dealing with your spouse being raped?! All my anger and frustration about being cheated on was now channeled to the drug rape thing. Being cheated on was the last thing on my mind, although when it would creep into my mind, I would feel myself blocking it out. I became obsessed with the drug rape thing. I think I'm an expert on the subject now to tell you the truth. 

*-Drug Test-*
I even found a lab that processed hair specifically for drugged victims. The hair needed to be collected atleast 1 month after the incident. I told Erica about it, and she didnt seem too enthused about it, but went along. Cost $500. They tested her for the "usual" date rape drugs. Ketamine, GHB, and Rohypnol. We waited a few weeks for the results. Erica was very agonized during that time and was afraid nothing would show up. She would call me from work several times and ask "If there's nothing there, then what? Am I crazy? I know he drugged me! I told you I was tired! Remember I even told you I felt high and you brushed it off."

The results came in negative. We talked to the lab tech, and he said that its actually a myth that date rapists use those three drugs all the time. He told us that those drugs are press favorites and in fact all you have to do is look in your medicine cabinet for potential date rape drugs. The tech seemed wary of telling more. He ended it by saying "look, was she drinking?" I said yes. He says "Alcohol increases the toxicity of any drug, and can lead to memory loss, loss of muscle control, sleepiness and unconsciousness", he wouldnt tell me what drug would do this. All he said was "...there are plenty of perscription and readily available drugs...look in your medicine cabinet" and that was it. 

*-Finishing College-*
I was so stressed out. My health just went all down hill. I lost over 30 lbs, and was now 180lbs (I'm 6'0"). I basically stopped eating all together. Summer came and went. School started and I just spent all my time at school. My hygene went down, and my nutrition was just appalling. I developed a rash on my body. It itched so bad, I would scratch it until it bled. Scratching it was soooo gratifying, almost orgasmic. Sounds gross, but I never had anything like it. Then it would hurt, the worst pain I ever felt...then the cycle repeated. 
Finally, I graduated. I forgot about everything else and I had this sense that everything was good. I was on top of the world. That was December '08.

*-Jobless-*
After college, I just hit the job market full force. I've had one interview so far. After a few months of job searching, my little happy-just-graduated phase slowly disappeared. I feel like I'm back on planet earth. The rash now spread everywhere. Wife begs me to see a doctor. Doctor says its yeast infection. Did you know yeast covers our entire body, inside and out? Yeast lives in perfect harmony with good bacteria in our body. If we are under too much stress and malnourished, the good bacteria can die and the yeast can take over. This is what has happened to me. Stress related yeast infection (and no its not on my penis). 

*-Now-*
The rash is now a new source of depression for me. The doctor says that my body's immune system is overloaded with trying to fight off the yeast and is causing me to become allergic to other things! The rash is directly related to what happened 1 year ago. I'm on a horrible diet. No cheese, no bread, nothing with yeast, no sugar of any kind. The rash is slowly clearing up.
About 1 week ago, I learned of the new information that my wife met up with John without telling me, and knowing that she deliberately has kept that from me till today is what brings me here.

*-Freedom-*
I've come to realize what freedom means to me after all this experience. Freedom to me is being able to do things on MY terms. More on this tomorrow. I gotta sleep now :sleeping:


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

hey Tim, 

Wow sorry you are going through all this, congrats on getting your degree.

How is your kid handling all this mess?

Well I think one of two things ned to happen here.

Either your wife needs to get rid of John, or you need to get rid of your wife.

It is one or the other....make her decide who she wants to be with.

If she chooses you then John needs to cut off ALL CONTACT and move on with his life.

If she chooses john, well then you need to start building a life for yourself and your daughter.

Right now the way it is going you will never have trust or communicate positive.

I'm not here to bash you, but it is time for something to happen, YOU deserve better. Your wife doesn't know what she wants in terms of life.

How would you feel if you were John? in love with a woman that is married and has a family? he is torn as well.

She has to make a hard decision, if she can't then you must. 

Do it for yourself and your daughter.

If it were my wife I would be gone.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I am completely appalled at your wife's behavior. She knew she was not date raped. In fact I believe that John and her concocted the whole thing to give her cover. She said. "OK we had sex, There is no way I will be able to keep it from Tim, He already knows. You are going back to Iraq, so you admit to using a date rape drug on me. I will tell him to just let it go."

She knew and watched you go through hell on earth because of it. This is the strongest case for the use of a polygraph. If only for your mental and physical health. In truth you don't need it. YOU KNOW. I am so sorry to hear this. Please continue with your story.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tim, How about the rest of your story. Don't keep us in suspence.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Get away from this toxic wife of yours. Your mental and physical health depends on it.

She is such a liar that she doesn't care one bit the impact on your life, her kid, nobody.

I know one thing, if you are suffering as a way to show her how it should impact her, it will not work.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Re: Freedom*

Ok, well the story is pretty much up to date.

*-stifled healing-*
I feel like I can't heal from her infidelity because to her there is no infidelity anymore. She's totally free and clear. 2 weeks ago I got really depressed. She asked me if everything was ok and I told her i was depressed. When I told her it had to do with the incident, she started crying. Now the attention totally shifted to her. She said "I'm so stupid to think that this would go away" She sobbed and acted bashful with me. 

*-Lifestyle-*
I dont know what to do now. We have a really nice house together (very lucky to rent it), and I happen to like our lifestyle outside our problems. I dont want these things to change. My son is happy here. I'm happy here, but I really am starting to despise my wife. I rely on her family a lot for babysitting etc. I know if I divorce, she will keep my son from me(told me this once), and I'll have a falling out with her family (her family is not logical, and used to hate me in fact). In other words, I'm so dependent on her and what comes with her that my life would be ruined if I divorce.

*-Lying and Denial-*
She has a problem with lying in general. Actually, I think she lies to herself in order to make it believable. I guess that constitutes as denial? It sounds crazy, but I think when she does something that can't sit right in her conscience, she'll white wash it and tailor it and believe it. Her lies are amazing, and I genuinely think that she believes them. I've actually watched her do this first hand. She'll do something right in front of me, talk about what she did, and then suddenly a calmness comes over her her face. If I bring it up again, she'll give me a blank stare and ask me what I'm talking about. I usually huff and explain the scenario again, and even quote her. She'll tell me I'm crazy and act like i have a memory problem :scratchhead: . It used to annoy me, then it started to get to me and I lost all confidence in myself. After she cheated, I slowly regained my confidence, which has lead to more blowups. I stick to my guns now, listen to my instincts.

For example, one time she was in a good mood and she blurted out that she likes to capture other men's attention and to "give them a look". I calmly asked what she meant, and she gave me a few examples of what she likes to do. In my opinion, it was crossing the line. This was before she ever cheated. I tried bringing it up later and how it bothered me. She completely denied ever doing such things or having that conversation!

Another time on one of her girls night out, she got so drunk I literally had to come pick her up out of the gutter. Her friend called me frantic. She was outside the restaurant in the ally, puking. I brought her home, and noticed she smelled bad. She said she needed to sit on the toilet (she couldnt walk.) I dragged her up the stairs, and carried her to the bathroom. I took her pants off and she crapped herself. Mind you, she is still throwing up all over. I put her on the can and gave her a garbage pale. She crapped and puked at the same time. Then I had to clean it all up. She kept saying she was sorry. Oh and she started her period right there too.

Next day, she claims to not remember any of it. 4 months went by and she is pregnant with our son. One night she tells me that she is scared. She says that she had a dream that the baby was conceived from that night she got intoxicated. There were other guys there with them. I kind of laughed and said that was a silly dream. She nodded. I said that the times didnt match up anyways (I'm so stupid, I should have interrogated her). I was just so trusting that nothing happened. 

After she cheated and admitted to it, I asked her about that time she said she had that weird dream. She denied ever having that conversation or having that dream.

*-Freedom-*
Ok, so I wanted to talk about freedom. As you can imagine, I've come to feel trapped in this relationship. There doesnt seem to be an exit. I know its illogical, but thats how I feel. Since we have a kid together, I will never be free of this woman. I feel like i'm in prison. Lately I've started to realize that I feel free when things happen on my terms. I never felt this way before. If I want a cookie, I'll take a cookie and I dont need to answer to anyone. If I want to go and smoke pot, I'll do it and **** everyone else. And if I want to look at porn, I dont have any problem getting up in the middle of the night and looking at some. The same goes for flirting. If I see someone cute, and I feel confident, I flirt away. It's like i've lost all shame, and you know what? It feels damned good! 

They say what you dont know wont hurt you. I believe that 100% now! As long as I give everyone what they want to hear and see, I feel like I've done my duty. 

I know its wrong, but I really want to screw someone else. I want a one night stand, and not with just anyone. I want it with a hot ass girl that WANTS me. I feel like I'm done wasting my youth on this relationship, yet why make it harder on me and hurt my chances of having fun by breaking up my family. I can still come home, be the good husband, and be a good father. I'll take care of this family and satisfy my wife's needs. 

Now, I know everyone here is probably going to hate my guts, but I need to get it off my chest. 

Ya ya, I know, I wouldnt like for her to do the same. But in a way she already is. She is in perpetual denial. I have no idea of half the things she's done and I will probably never find out. Actually, I hope she can be a good actress and atleast play the role of a good wife. Satisfy my emotional, sexual, and financial needs and I'll do the same for her. I hope to god I never FIND OUT that she has cheated more or is cheating. That is, I just hope she can keep it to herself and not affect this relationship.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Um, get away from her! and do not believe what she says about sseing your child in a divorce. You should believe a divorce degree and a visitation/custody agreement instead.

You need to consult with a lawyer.

I don't know how you think material comforts is better than a healthy way of living.

If i were you, i would presume that what she tells you about a "dream" is her way of confessing to you.

She is a pathological liar. 

Find a way to get away from her. Move in with a relative, couch surfg with a friend, something.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

i see your point, and I find myself going back and forth. What brings me back to wanting to stay is the fact that she is worth less to me than my material things. Its not that I hold material things high...its that I consider her lower.

Dont get me wrong, your response is helping me in my weigh in of what I should do.

Reading this forum is very helpful. I have come to realize from reading about others that I just dont feel like picking up the pieces of the mess that SHE made! I'm always stuck cleaning and picking up after myself, my son, and her! It seems so symbolic, and its exactly where I'm headed. I feel like I should stick around and make sure the mother of my child behaves atleast. I hate how I'm always made responsible for other people's indescretions.

I guess I need to do some soul searching. I dont know what ground i'm going to stand on if I divorce. Everyone is going to be on her side, and I'm going to be the horrible husband that divorces his innocent wife because she was supposedly raped.


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Tim said:


> I guess I need to do some soul searching. I dont know what ground i'm going to stand on if I divorce. Everyone is going to be on her side, and I'm going to be the horrible husband that divorces his innocent wife because she was supposedly raped.


I think that's the hardest part- is that she is claiming she was raped. But the fact that she knew they had sex and didn't tell you until much later (she was coherent enough to remember that they had sex), that she lied over and over about the situation, that she saw her "rapist" again BY CHOICE, continued communication with him, and also failed the drug test would be the things I would tell people. They are her family and most likely they will stick by her because they love her. So what. You know what you need to do for you. If you chose to leave, maybe you need to move away from them, away from her. 

We also have a very nice home (which we just bought 6 months ago) and enjoy our lifestyle. But in the end, they are not reasons to stay. My dad reminded me the other day that I am in no way "stuck" in this marriage if I don't want to be in it. I have a degree, I have 2 good part-time jobs currently, I have family & friends (some local, others far away) that would help me if I needed it. He reminded me that it wouldn't be easy to start over, but if it was the best thing I would be happier in the end. Right now we are trying to work things out, but I think it helps me be strong when I remind myself that I am not stuck, I have options and in the end, whatever happens I will be ok.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya HUH thats funny she was raped but remembers him pulling out on her belly! hmm... wow she didnt stop that I would love to see him to that manoover holding her down against her will. BS WOW I just ughhh I think after dealing with all that and her and her continuing to deny when its all open I dont know I am not passing judgment and I know how hard it is when you love someone so much that you just cant say goodbye cause it wasnt your choice you werent ready for that to happen. you didnt want that to happen. gosh I am sooooo sorry I AM I really am.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

And dont worry about what other people think


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## reidqa (Mar 25, 2009)

Read my post above, went thru the same story.

Now call police, she never wanted to.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

The balance is teetering towards divorce. I think it might be best before I do something I will regret. I dont even think I can bear a trial seperation because I just cant handle it if she hooks up with someone while we are still bound by marriage. 

Here is my divorce post....i dunno, this is scary. I never considered it this seriously.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...on/4709-thinking-about-divorce.html#post47180


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Tim first order of business. Birth control. If she knows you want to leave are you afraid that she she will get pregnant? Do you want more kids or is a vasectomy in order? Have you shared with your wife just how much you detest her? Is she still cheating on you? There are rights groups for fathers that can help. I suggest you find them and contact them immediately.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> Tim first order of business. Birth control. If she knows you want to leave are you afraid that she she will get pregnant? Do you want more kids or is a vasectomy in order? Have you shared with your wife just how much you detest her? Is she still cheating on you? There are rights groups for fathers that can help. I suggest you find them and contact them immediately.


Funny you say that, she is desperately wanting to get pregnant right now. She is like ecstatic about it. I regret going along with it but this started while I was still in my little high from graduating...I really dont want to have another one with her right now. Not until things are figured out someway.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Are you crazy? The more children you have with her the deeper her roots grow into you. Look at it this way. How hard is it to divorce her now? What will it be like when there are two kids. More child support. Why would you do that to yourself?


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

TIM BAIL BAIL BAIL...this is TOXIC....

Fight for yourself and your child.

she can not keep your child from you, fight for custody, you ahve a college degree, you have great potential, don't let her weigh you down. Find a Better woman!

As for the drunken night at the club, no way she could ahve gotten prego if she got her period that night/next day....not possible.

Don't be a fool Tim, I would talk it over with her and then her family seperately, tell them youa re going to file for divorce due to her CONSTANT relationsship with Johnny (or whatever the name is) That you want them to be part of the child's life and you would never stop tehm from seeing the child, but you nor your wife are happy and it is best for you both that you move on with your lives, but do what is right by the child.

Do nto get her Prego again....it will never end and only get worse...

RUN RUN RUN away from her!


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Do NOT get her pregnant! Let her know that the relationship is too messed up right now and you aren't sure it's going to work and no way do you want to bring another child into this mess. INSIST on using condoms EVERY TIME even if she says she's on the pill- she can "accidentally" forget to take them and then she's pregnant. You already feel somewhat trapped- you want to have 2 kids to pay for, to try and fight to see? No way. Don't do that to yourself.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I will survive is right. And make sure you have possession of your condoms before and after. Always flush them.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

GAsoccerman said:


> As for the drunken night at the club, no way she could ahve gotten prego if she got her period that night/next day....not possible.


False, 100% false actually.

We typically agree GA, but there are many women who continue to have their period even a couple months into pregnancy.

Its not normal, but it does happen.

My mom had a period for the first 3 months she was pregnant with me.

Its very uncommon, but definitely possible.

Unless you are meaning by the timing/ovulation with her starting the next day, but I think you might even be wrong there too, you can get pregnant up until actual menstration its just a lot harder.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thanks. I agree with all of you.
I need to figure a way to talk to her. I hate it when she becomes happy and I'm depressed because it just brings her down even more than I am, and she tends to drag me down to that level. So I need to find a way to open up the dialog without that happening. I dont even know which words to start with...


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Blame the economy, its a great reason. And its true. Just don't take no for an answer. BUT KEEP CONTROL OF YOUR SEED DUDE!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Yes, I will control my seed!
Lol, sounds like some sort of underground movement. 
:smthumbup:


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Just had a big blow up with wife... really hard to explain but I basically pinpointed one aspect of her behavior that makes her act the way she does, and it seemed like for a brief moment she realized it and actually gave an example of it too!

I feel sorry for her because she is totally not in control of herself and that is why I dont trust her, and I wont trust her until it is fixed. I can get over the whole "incident" I really can, but it was just a symptom of the root problem and if that doesnt get fixed then I cannot continue. 

*Behavioral dysfunction #1*: She seeks acceptance from questionable people.

That means she does things that she thinks will get people to like her, I think thats especially true about men.

*Behavioral dysfunction #2:* Denial.
when her actions regarding dysfunction 1 interact with her morals, she goes into denial of what she is doing...even as she is doing it. 

As a result of dysfunction #2, I really do believe her when she says she doesnt remember doing something, but I made it clear that it doesnt mean it didnt happen. This is especially true about things I saw with my own eyes, like her flirting with John right in front of me...the giggling and the sparkly eyes.

I believe she is trying here, but just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, it doesnt mean much. Results mean something because like drug addicts, they can tell you they are trying until they are blue in the face but it wont change the fact that they are still shooting up! They need help! She needs help! 

I'm willing to show her the road but I wont stand for much of it. Lets see how it will pan out. When she left though, she started getting defensive which is not a good sign, for her sake or for this family.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Oh yea and I told her I dont think she was drugged, and even if that farktard gave her something it didnt stop her from thinking things out and lying to me. That takes some higher order of thinking skills to lie like she did, make decisions to go with him etc... I think all that had to do with those dysfunctions i mentioned.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

OMFG! 
I just typed a few key parts of her personality in google and this popped up
Histrionic personality disorder - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
I know I should be weary of diagnosing my wife, but she fits this to a T! Even the switching job part!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

So you told her that you both (at least you) are on indefinite baby hold?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Histroinic disorder? I looked at that, man they got a label for everything. Tim your wife is a lying tramp. I hope you dump her from what you've told us. She will do it again. If you do hang, look up: Cognitive Behavior Therapy. A trained professional will teach her to evaluate her behavior and predict the consequences. Good luck....


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Initfortheduration said:


> So you told her that you both (at least you) are on indefinite baby hold?


Yes we are on baby hold. Actually, this is how we started talking about it.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Holy crap! You are putting up with way too much here. She was not date raped. I am definately on the side of women when the defense says "she was dressed provactively" or "was asking for it". That's no defense at all for the rapist. But this was not the case with your wife! In fact if I read your post right she had sex with him other times? I wouldn't be surprised if the babysitter never cancelled but she never had one to begin with. No this is her way of blaming someone else. She's unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions. Gee I'm surprised she hasn't figured out yet how to make it your fault!

Having said that, she's proven herself capable of nearly anything. She could snatch your son for example. For God's sake protect yourself, go speak to a lawyer and protect your parental rights. Can you get in to her email or Facebook accounts, print out that guy's messages and hers to him as proof she sought him out and had a relationship. Speak to an attorney, and then kick her out. 

You have a degree, you sound like a smart guy she is not helping you with a better lifestyle she is holding you back. 

You speak about freedom and I know what you mean. I think in my relationship, what went wrong was that our marriage got boring (very different from what is happening here but stay with me..) because I put everyone else first. So there was nothing left of me. I was wife, mother, student, employee, I was defined by everyone else. When I realized my H was cheating on me I had this very sad thought, who would truly grieve me if I died tomorrow? I don't mean just feel badly but grieve. I counted those people on one hand, two were my kids, two were my parents, one my brother. I have a small family. I told my H this and I said I don't want you to feel sorry, I am telling you because it depresses me and I will no longer live like this and my happiness, my existence will no longer be for everyone else...I think he took this with "yeah whatever". 

Then he got the shock of his lifetime. I lost weight, and got in to shape. He cheated with an 18 year old, I'm 39 so it made me feel very self concious about my age. At first it was to keep him, then as I got in to shape, I thought the hell with him. I like how I look and feel now, this is for ME. Then it was the emotional independence, I put my physical exercise above everyone. This is a total departure for me, to ever put myself first, but I NEEDED this. I found I had more to give to my kids. Then I decided to join things, create a life for myself that my family could enjoy too but it wasn't just about them. I ended up making a lot of new friends, my kids now have new friends and I no longer feel isolated. I have people who care and support me. 

When I confirmed my H was cheating, I made him leave and changed the locks. You should have seen his shock, where did this woman come from? ... just like you said "If I wanted a cookie, I ate a cookie" no more permissions, no regrets. 

I am accountable to myself, so every day when I get up I want to be proud of who I see in the mirror so that is what governs my decisions not if I think it will make him happy. Funny thing happened, my H (we have reconciled) loves the new independence. He finds in a turn on. My kids seem happier. So in fixing me, I made everyone happy. Freedom, I like what you called it. (Don't get me wrong, this is no excuse for what he did, its just how I turned this very awful situation in to something positive. Remember you are in control of you.)

On the health side I think your issues are all stress related and there are some very specific issues that happen when you know your about to lose your spouse. I have some of those health problems....my espophagus spasms - doctor said purely stressed induced. Its extremely painful. I do have an ulcer, insomnia, and for awhile my hair was falling out. You couldn't tell to look at me but I noticed excessive hair in my brush. Since taking control the hair loss stopped, the spasms stopped, still dealing a little with insomnia a little bit and the ulcer. 

Don't let her ruin your health. Hang on to that concept of freedom. If something happens to you, the only parent your son has is her. Don't allow that to happen. As far as your actions, you are accountable to yourself so stop pleasing everyone else and do what you need to do to get true happiness.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> Holy crap! You are putting up with way too much here. She was not date raped. I am definately on the side of women when the defense says "she was dressed provactively" or "was asking for it". That's no defense at all for the rapist. But this was not the case with your wife! In fact if I read your post right she had sex with him other times? I wouldn't be surprised if the babysitter never cancelled but she never had one to begin with. No this is her way of blaming someone else. *She's unwilling or incapable of taking responsibility for her own actions*. _*Gee I'm surprised she hasn't figured out yet how to make it your fault!
> *_
> Having said that, she's proven herself capable of nearly anything. She could snatch your son for example. For God's sake protect yourself, go speak to a lawyer and protect your parental rights. Can you get in to her email or Facebook accounts, print out that guy's messages and hers to him as proof she sought him out and had a relationship. Speak to an attorney, and then kick her out.
> 
> ...


Your post resonates with me. 
I highlighted, for my own benefit, parts of your post that hit home the most and or is inspiring.

Actually, she did try to make it my fault but I didnt allow it. 

She is capable of anything and I made sure to let her know that. SHE is in control of her actions, and she needs to realize that her actions DO have consequences. I realized through my own writting that this is my source of depression. Her personality, excuses and denial combined is what scares me and it is understandably why I have no trust. 

Believe me, finding out my wife DOES have a personality disorder is in no way an excuse for her. I'm not going to defend why I believe she has HPD because I dont have to. I know it because 90% of the listed symptoms is defining her! I'm no hypochondriac and I'm not desperately trying to fit her to this HPD thing. In fact, I really wish she wasnt Histrionic because from everything I'm reading, most if not all relationships with an HPD spouse ends in a firery crash and burn scenario. 
There are many things on there that I never realized was part of her problem....like the "not knowing who they are" part. That sounds like just words to most until you meet someone like that. Another thing is her idea that everyone is more powerful than her. It comes out in her day to day stories about work or even going shopping. 

I will not put up with it and she is willing to counter these feelings and attitudes but there needs to be more than that. There needs to be action and accountability. I'm glad she is trying but I made it clear that I cannot stick around forever like this. 

She knows now I have zero trust.

Yesterday she completely floored me when she told me that even though she does have a problem, and even though she needs help, that in no way does that mean that we should not deal with what she did. There was more said, and so many breakthroughs I never imagined, but I was amazed because I think for the first time in our relationship I was being put above her in terms of emotions or atleast on the same level. My emotions where not second class, my feelings where not being treated as artificial!

Anyways, I will keep this thread up to date for my own benefit. I need to go now but I will be back.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Be careful. Remember that when she gets angry, she will do irrational things. Like since you won't give her a baby, she is just as likely to go screw someone else to get one. That's how bpd think about things. Just be sure to tell her, if she ends up pregnant there will be a DNA test.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

I've been writing a lot. I have refrained from posting because I'm not sure if its applicable in this forum anymore. Writting helps, its amazing what you forget when you are in an abusive relationship.

Anyone have any idea what I should do with my writing? I feel like sharing but they are long and drawn out. Maybe start a blog or something? I dunno.

I found a Histrionic forum and its full of guys like me. It helps to read about their stories and its almost like reading my life story. Theres just so much crap, cheating is just part of it...the lying, the flirting, the ignoring me in social situations, the denial...theres a laundry list of things that the ALL do the same. They are all so predictable.

Anyways, here I am rambling again. I should write a book, theres just never ending material. LOL

I want to post in that forum but she has discovered it after I told her what I think she has. Funny thing is she confessed to discovering about HPD before I told her because she went on my computer, snooped and found a page open about it. After reading the horror stories on that forum, thats when she decided to confess that she already knew about it in advance. 

So I'm kind of out of luck as to where I should post my stuff....I really would like support from those people because I feel it would help me a lot. ugh... =\


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

nah you are fine I do the same thing blah blah blah some people respond some dont I dont care if they think I am over the top cause it helps me to write it out here to so.... I feel ya!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Tim said:


> Yesterday she completely floored me when she told me that even though she does have a problem, and even though she needs help, that in no way does that mean that we should not deal with what she did. There was more said, and so many breakthroughs I never imagined, but I was amazed because I think for the first time in our relationship I was being put above her in terms of emotions or atleast on the same level. My emotions where not second class, my feelings where not being treated as artificial!
> 
> Anyways, I will keep this thread up to date for my own benefit. I need to go now but I will be back.


Tim, it sounds like without meaning to and without knowing it, you enabled her. This is not destroying you, its making you stronger. Its making you look deep inside yourself and realizing that you have more strength and you will make it through this. You stopped enabling her. Now she has to do something, or she will lose you. You have given her a wake up call. I hope she continues down this road. You obviously love her and this is not easy on you so I really hope it can be fixed. If not, you are strong enough to make the decision and end it. Trust in yourself. 

I do find writing about what happens, listening to others opinions, and getting there support is the best therapy I have had so far. Keep writing, we're hear for you and wishing you all the best!


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Thanks you guys. Having everyone listen and knowing how it feels helps a lot. Also, everyone seems to notice how nutty this all is. Friends and family used to tell me the same things, that there is something off about her. Having people that never met her telling me the same has finally opened my eyes.

This forum has opened my eyes SO much. I used to feel her cheating was just one quirk in our marriage, and now I'm realizing how common it is yet each case is different. Every once and a while theres a similar case as mine and I find myself giving a lot of advice. As I'm giving the advice, I'm realizing more...and more advice comes out! Its like I'm helping myself with the satisfaction of helping others


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Over the last couple of days, my wife has gone from completely agreeing with me about her problem to flat out denying it. I just said 'ok' to every step of her denial because frankly I'm sick of it. Its almost funny to watch because this is exactly what HPD's do!

I think she caught on to my being nonchalant during all of this. She has gone online and read more about HPD and I suspect she is purposely trying to prove she is not HPD by doing the exact opposite of what she is reading. I guess thats good because she is in denial about having this problem, and counters that denial by being out to prove it. So its actually a lot less stressful to be around her right now.

Its funny though because when she says she doesnt have it, she is very vague. I'm not drawn in by it and I'm continuing this emotional detachment from her. Yesterday she comes to me and says that she thinks she doesnt have HPD but she does share a few things with HPD but its not full blown HPD. 

Well, after continuing this not-enabling her efforts on my part for a few days, she calls me and says she is going back to her shrink. 

Here's what is disturbing to me. That shrink said she cannot help my wife. So why is she going back? My biggest concern is that the psychologist enabled her and perhaps maybe that doctor realised it thats why she ended it. 

She hangs up and calls me back a few minutes later saying that the doctor called her back. She claims she told the doctor about HPD and that the doctor told her that she knows HPD very well and that she doesnt have it. She said the doctor thinks there are 'other' things that are the problem. Knowing that HPD's are vague in their stories, especially made up ones, I ask for specifics.
She is audibly caught off guard and she just starts talking about problems....problems that are spelled out in the symptoms of HPD!
I run with it. I'm very familiar with HPD symptoms now like the back of my hand. So I start bringing up other HPD symptoms without saying its HPD at all. She agrees with it all saying 'ya i have to work on that' she says. 

Ugh...so frustrating. She just doesnt get it.

Anyways, she says the doctor gave her some numbers....meaning she is not going back to that one (good). I'm starting to suspect that the doctor never called and that she got those numbers on her own through her insurance.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

How about an update Tim.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well my wife was diagnosed with HPD on thursday at couple's counseling. I was actually surprised because I did not expect anything to come from that couple's session.
More about that here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...on/4709-thinking-about-divorce.html#post48297
She would not have been diagnosed if I werent there to make sure and talk about 'what really happens at home'. 

Other than that...doctor's orders are for us to remain together until the next meeting and see how it all goes. She specifically said for us to be a boring couple. Try not to have fun together.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Almost forgot*

Oh and I almost forgot....I went to the dermatologist yesterday and the verdict on my rash is it's pseriosis. Purely stress related. Really sucks.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Update!*

I found out my wife did have sex that night I picked her up off the gutter...she even told someone she was drugged and raped and this was 2 years before she claimed she was drugged and raped by John.

I left today. 

As much as it hurts, I need to test if my son is really mine because I checked and the day she had that girl's night out was exactly 9 months before my son was born....exactly.

My heart is breaking. Theres no good way out of this. No matter what, my son (even if he's not mine) is getting hurt.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I feel for you tim, But as I said, if she had her period the next day, it can't be his, BUT I wuld get a DNA test, just to confirm. BUT he is your child regardless, love him as such. File for divorce and get your child away from her.

I feel your pain.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Well, I'm suspecting she had sex with multiple men that night but theres no way to prove it. Honestly I think she let them ravage her and made her bleed...she did not have a period. She lied and I accepted it because i was too in love to listen to my conscience.

I've come to discover that no matter what, the child is mine in the eyes of the law, biologically or not. I'm sorta relieved because I know what I must do. I must take him away from her, no matter who's kid he is. I raised him and I love him, and I will make sure she pays for every penny of this mess. She WILL pay child support 

I ordered a paternity test kit, and it should be arriving at my father's house in a few days.

Oh and I'm not scared of this woman anymore so I can reveal to everyone my true identity.

*I'm Andre, and my sick-o wife is Jessica. Our 2 year old is Mateo...and I will defend him with my life.issed:
*

No matter what I do, I will be demonized by her (she's already started her smear campaign). She f*cked me over so bad, so I'm going to make sure I squeeze every last penny out of her. Atleast that way she will actually have something true to complain about!


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

When dealing with your son, get yours!!! Make her work two jobs just to pay the child support. I wouldn't worry about the smear campaign because it will be mostly her friends and family that believe her. And do you really give a [email protected]#t what they think anyways? People who really know you will have your back. They know that she is a bit on the coo coo side anyways. I wish you all of the luck in your future. The only parting advice that I have after reading all of your posts, Let yourself heal before you venture out and try to meet someone for you. Don't carry your baggage with you into these relationships as your future encounters had nothing to do with your past.

Don't make them pay for what your ex did. You will find that special someone to love you and your son. Good luck and pm me if you need any more advice.

Take care...


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

well it all depends on where you live cause some states like where I live its really hard for anyone other then the mom to get the children.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

It might help if you can document the lying - in regards to the custody arrangment.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

Huh! I'll document the lying...lets start now. 
She's embezzling money. I talk about it here. -> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...eading-into-divorce-seperation.html#post50834

Its just left and right...but the thing is money has a funny way of leaving tracks....she is such a liar!


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## gurusavlis (Apr 22, 2009)

Hi,

It really is time to move on in your life... _be a great dad to your child.. _but as a husband? A lover? Forget it.. make her go for an aids test and the other ones too!

Antidepressants or not... your wife said yes to the guy when he asked her out. she said yes and smiled at him when he said nice things... She said yes to him when he said lets go and have great sex. She probably paid for the room... wonder why your groceries were a bit short that week?.. Now you know. She said yes when he said take your pants off.. she thought of you before she opened her legs and thought - f**K him!

What the hell are you doing man? Move on - give the women a break and go and find out who you are - sell the house... live life and leave your job.. you've one life - live it.. clear hte pain from your system.. Guarrenteed it wasn't the first time....

Live for you... not through the pain or the doubt... clean slate man.. clean slate!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Just wanted to say good luck to you. Its best you get away from her and your son too. If you haven't seen an attorney definately do that. It actually works to your advantage that she has been diagnosed with a disorder, as the custody decision will be for whats best for the child. An unbalanced mother is not what's best. Also in terms of who's child he is, IF he is not yours biologically, most states' legislature says he is your legal son as he was born when you were married to her so it won't matter. I don't think that applies in all states, but does in mine and several others.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I finally had a chance to read this whole thread. I am very sorry for all you have gone through. I hope things are looking up. I can see that writing here does help you sort out your thoughts. Take care of yourself.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

*Update: My Ex's friend*

Wow a lot has happened since I posted last on this thread. 

I filed for divorce.
She is out of the house and out of my life (as much as she can be with sharing a child).

I am so much happier. I grew so much since this evil control freak is out of my life.

Funny thing is that she is using my posts here against me in court.

Her and her lawyer take things out of context here and tried using it in court. The judge threw it out. How pathetic. 

However, my "old" friends don't throw it out. My ex has this friend that she completely disrespected during my marriage. This friend...all I can say is...has some weird loyalties. I'm wondering if she has some sort of crush on my wife because my wife completely mistreated her for years. She ignored her, and their friendship was completely one way. My wife just took total advantage. Lets call this friend...Jennie. 

So Jennie is a photographer. She took all of our wedding photos and other pictures for us for free! She did a good job and I tried being a good and loyal friend to her. I made her free website despite my wife's protests. Hell, my wife even stopped me from maintaining that site. I had to fight my wife just to give this friend some respect. I felt bad about this, especially since my wife refused to hang out with her. My wife talked bad about Jennie behind her back to me. She called her fat. She criticized Jennie's friends and Jennie's sister...I kept telling my wife that she was a good friend. I was the one pushing my wife to be nice to her. After I kicked my wife out of the house, she went running into Jennies arms. Jennie has since been on cloud 9. 


Jennie is acting like a complete ass since the divorce. She will do anything for my wife. Very odd. After the divorce, Jennie is running my wife's smear campaign against me. She is the CEO of the slander against me. It's really pathetic and it will only make things worse for everyone. I wish she would keep her nose out of my business. I'm thinking I might have to sick my lawyer on her for slander. Calling me a gold digger, an "_evil money grubbing bastard_" from what I've heard. All this trickles down and she is enjoying spreading this **** about me. I'm the center stage of Jennie's gossip. Is there a law against this? I wish Jennie would just leave me alone. _I never did anything to her._

You want to know what I'm interested in? I want this divorce final. I want to move on with my life. I want this to end. But instead, people like Jennie step in and run smear campaigns. She thinks that will secure her friendship with this devil. Get a life Jennie, stay out of other people's drama. You have a one sided point of view and you are *NO PERSON to pass judgment. Get a life!* I was nothing but a friend to you. Give me a break.

So sorry that I want my half of the money that she stole for years. That was NOT right for her to stress me out about finances when she has been stashing money away the entire time. It's my money anyways, this is how it works! Yes, I will squeeze every last penny of my wife, but that is in regards to MY HALF of the **** she stole. Thats for the record. Thats not money grubbing. My EX is the money grubbing one for stealing. When I get my half, I'm going to laugh. And if my wife lies about where she put the money, then I'm going to make sure she is punished to the full extent of the law for lying to the court. 

Hey Jennie, if you want to know the truth, which I doubt you do, why don't you go pull up our divorce case at the local records office. This is public record, read the declarations. One thing to note is that I have NEVER lied to the court. I refuse to lie to the court. Everything you read there of my side is 100% true to my fullest ability. 

People like Jennie have no right to meddle in my business. No one knows my ex wife like I do. No one! No one else was there when she raised that hammer over her head against me. No one else was there to experience the fear of having a hammer head plunged into your rib cage, or your forehead. No one else was there to console our child when the police and ambulance showed up to take my wife away on 5150.. No one else was there living through the horror of discovering that your wife was sleeping around town, and having affairs at work....for years. No one else was there to watch me suffer through thinking my wife was raped, only to find out it was a cover up for her being a ****. What a ****. You weren't there Jennie, so bug off. 

Funny how my wife will still tell people she was raped even though she admitted to it being consensual sex behind closed doors. Why doesn't Jennie talk to the guy that supposedly raped my ex? She knows him, just like I do. She can ask him what happened. But I know the answer, the answer is that Jennie is a pathetic loser with no life and she will do anything for my ex wife. I wonder if she is really gay and wants to be with my ex. 

My EX is EVIL and she is laughing all the way and people like Jennie are just making things worse. 

This is for the record. Please don't delete this. Actually, I would like this thread locked with this as my final post. Please.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Good to hear that your divorce is moving forward (If one can say that about a divorce.) Stick to your guns and you'll come out on top. I'm pulling for you. Stay strong.


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## Tim (Mar 24, 2009)

During the last 60 days, a lot has happened. This month will be my last month being married....it will end on the 20th signifying officially 6 months of separation. The court will grant me my divorce...I'm so excited! What a milestone!

The funny thing is...it was only recently that (*I realized) I have been quoted repeatedly over the last 6 months for writing this here
_"I know what I must do. I must take him away from her, no matter who's kid he is." _The quote was extracted from this post of mine back in April 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...ar-twists-turns-no-trust-end-4.html#post48623 

The thing about it is...I had no idea I was being quoted. This little excerpt has been used against me over and over and over...and I had no idea.

Apparently, the quote was used in a declaration my ex made in our divorce. Unfortunately, I did not read that declaration and could not respond. The reason being that my lawyer saw it as pointless and given the fact that I had no money, didn't show it to me and didn't want to discuss it with me. So I never saw it.

About a month ago...someone showed it to me (long story) and said "I believe you that she was abusive...but it looks like you are trying to do anything to take the kid away from her".
I said, "I'm not though..."
and the response was "Yea but do you understand _how_ this looks?"

Immediately I responded by saying that wherever that came from, it was taken out of context, but I don't remember writting that.

I went back and found it here, in the link above....and it confused the hell out of me. Why would I write that when:

1) I've been saying this whole time I think it's important for my son to see his mother.

2) I have cooperated fully for my ex to see our son in terms of arranging visitation.

3) I bust my ass to drop off my son at the locations SHE desires.

4) When I'm not available, she is the first person I request to watch my son (which is not the case the other way around).

5) I have pictures up in my son's room with his mother, even pictures of all of us as a family...I believe they are my son's right to have.



NOW WHAT THE ****! Why the hell would I act this way if it was me that wrote that little quote???? Why would such a small quote be shoved in everyone's faces over and over by her if in fact I was acting completely the other way around? Nothing in my behavior suggests that quote to be true.


Ok....so lets back up a bit. 

We know....
*she is a liar. 
*She is polemic (meaning...wanting to start **** all the time)
*Defines herself as a victim, and doesn't understand her place in life any other way.
*Is an actress and can cry on command.


I'm going to add a little more facts to the list here......
*She spied on me the entire marriage.
*Had my many of my passwords and would frequently check up on me.
*makes false claims against men, especially in order to hide her promiscuity.


Ok so that passwords thing is very important because I think she was the one that wrote that little quote to make me look bad and to make her look like a victim. In order for that to happen, she would have had to log in as me and edit my post within a few minutes after me posting it otherwise it would have said "last edited at blah blah time". I noticed already, that if you edit your posts within about 5 minutes after posting it, that "Last edited by" doesnt appear. So it _must_ have been done quickly, then she showed this false quote to all her friends, who wouldn't leave me alone after that, and her family, who started harrassing me, and to the courts all the while making her look all innocent and such a victim. Oh! How sad! That poor thing!

I know for a fact, I didn't write that quote because I never felt that way, EVER. And I know for a fact she was watching this thread while I was oblivious thinking she had no idea I was even posting here. I know for a fact that she has shared my passwords with her friends and family and I'm still finding evidence of this.

I've done my best to change all my passwords, but Im very active online and I have many accounts in many places. It's hard to sit down and think of every single account I have and not miss one. 

Hell, just the other day I completely forgot that I started a blog called Furloughday.com. I never did anything with it, just posted up a news clip about what a furloughday was. Well, a few months ago, my ex's brother in law went in and used my old password to get in and change **** around. Whoopdy doo. Didn't really do any damage, but it was just his way of showing me he had a little power trip. 

Well...I may or may not decide to slap a restraining order on him. He thinks he's smart but I'm smarter. He's a fisherman and I'm a computer engineer. LOL fishermen aren't too keen on IP logs and laws against computer hacking and harassment. 

I'd also like to add one more thing...the incident on April 24th happened because of this fisherman. He pushed me over the edge and I retaliated. I had waaaaay to much psycho abuse from my ex during the last 6 years....and that was the last straw. I broke, and she paid for it. Literally, it broke me down. Everything might have gone fine in this divorce if it weren't for his stalking and threats. So Jessica...you can thank Randy for your misfortune. Actually, I'll thank Randy myself one day if I ever bump into him. After you left....I actually started to recover. No more panic attacks. Pseriosis went away....lol and my life turned around. Only thing that hasn't changed much is my money issue...but that will change one day. Just watch. 

Anyways, I don't hate anyone, not even my baby's momma. I'm actually indifferent about all this now. Leave my ass alone, and all will be well. Stop trying to hack my myspace accounts too...I hate having to see that message every time I log in that too many log in attempts have been made. It's annoying, and I really would rather avoid serving restraining orders on anymore people. Cut the crap and get a life.


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