# Co-Parenting with a commitment phobe



## iwtba (Aug 5, 2014)

Never married, surprise pregnancy. Joint custody, but zero discussion, which makes joint decision making impossible. Several years of trying to just live in peace, but it seems like he wants to stir up drama. He doesn't want to reconnect, but it seems like he wants me to be engaged with him, but in a negative way, which isn't threatening to him. Our child is getting old enough to notice the conflict. It is really tough sometimes to keep my cool. I'd love to work something out, but he dumped me when I was pregnant, and we never reconnected emotionally.

He's a good man and a good father. We just can't interact in a healthy way. Anybody have experience co-parenting with an avoidant or distancing type? The biggest issues are taken care of...he loves his child and he pays his child support. It is really hard to be tied to someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship with you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old is your child?

How old are you and he?

I'm not sure why you think you need to emotionally re-connect with your ex. There is little need for much connection at all to co-parent.

I co-parented my son with his father after divorce from age 7 on. My ex is a very difficult, angry man but he loves his son. What I did was not communicate via email 99% of the time. I wanted a record of everything due to the ex being quite the liar and manipulator. I found it a good way to communicate because I could wait a while to respond. This gave me time to collect my thoughts and plan. It prevented knee-jerk responses. I was able to only reply to the 'business' at hand and ignored is nasty/mean jabs, etc.


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## iwtba (Aug 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> How old is your child?
> 
> How old are you and he?
> 
> ...


We are in our 40's and our daughter is 5. We like email, too. I don't think you need an emotional connection to coparent. But it must be easier if you like each other. I hope things don't get bad later. It is so hard to be forced to interact with someone who doesn't want to be in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes it is hard to interact under those circumstances. It has to just be about the business of raising a child. 

My son's 25 now. It all went ok. It's not optimal but it worked.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Well, you don't have to interact much. Do you have some sort of written agreement or an order regarding visitation? 

It's great he's involved and supports the child. If he likes to get a reaction from you, it's a lot easier to stick to email and stick to the written agreement. Keep both your questions and your responses to bare minimum regarding only necessary issues. You don't have to like each other - you only have to respect each other's place in your child's life and be polite.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Maybe he thinks you're trying to push for a relationship? I coparent with my ex and most of our exchanges are by text. We are cordial but have zero emotional connection....if you ever want to move on to a healthy relationship you can't have an emotional connection. It's not good for either of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There are married folks who don't like each other very much but each are decent enough to do what's best for their children.
I didn't have much luck getting support (financial or otherwise) from my ex and mother of my kids, but she also had minimal contact with them so it was only rarely a problem.
This guy is involved as a parent. You respect him as a father and that's not a bad place to start. You don't have to love the guy but it is important that you respect him as a father. He needs to believe you are a decent mother, too. I think consistency is huge for kids so if you and dad can hash out a coherent set of rules for this child it would be very helpful. Another set of rules should be for you, two. These rules might involve not speaking ill of each other around your child, not countermanding orders of the other, agreeing to communicate with each other about anything significant concerning the child, etc. The financial support is nice but this man needs to spend time with his daughter. Kids need the active involvement of both parents and they suffer if they don't get both. One can be a lousy choice for a mate but a pretty ideal co-parent. I'd try very hard to not confuse the two roles. Unless he is engaging in conduct likely to endanger the child, I would avoid criticizing his parenting. Involving of a caring father is good for your daughter, so you'd want to encourage that. Wouldn't hurt to occasionally even praise the guy's efforts. Lots of men are making babies and totally walking away. Despite his flaws, this guy is trying to be a dad. You do need to be engaged with him as a fellow parent. There's really no getting around it. Just remember that your feelings aren't the main issue. His feelings aren't the main issue. Your child's well-being is what matters. Whether the child was planned or not, whether her parents were ideal for each other or not, she is here and she had no say in the events that led to her birth. She didn't pick either of you and she shouldn't be emotionally handicapped through life because you two can't get along. Whether he is Mr. Wonderful or he's a raving lunatic, he's the guy you made a child with and to your daughter, he's "dad", the only one she'll ever have. You may have to get a tough skin and let some perceived insults slide on by.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

What is it that he does wrong that makes him a lousy partner?

What is that YOU do wrong that makes you a lousy one?


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