# Not sure what to do here......



## DiscretePete69 (Apr 28, 2015)

I am a 39 year old guy that has been married for almost three years now. We have been together for nine and this is my second marriage. I was married in my early 20's and divorced as we just grew apart and had a sexless marriage. I know have a 1 year old who we both adore and would do anything for. I never wanted to give up so much as I do now. I am almost telling myself to stay for him and I don't know if that is right or not. The situation has been crazy almost all three years. My father was sick with cancer and does about a year a half ago. Right before that happened, we bought a home as we were renting. She talked me into her dad moving in with us just temporarily as he needed to get back on his feet. Her mom is in and out of the picture and she helped raise her younger brother. (She is 27, he is 27). She is close with her father. He helps with the mortgage but is messy and we constantly argue about this. She always defends him. Anyway, 5 months go by and our son is born. A month later, her deadbeat brother who can't do anything on his own needs a place to stay so guess where he comes? She asks me if this is ok and I lay down stipulations that he must pay rent and its short term. 

Almost a year later now, both the father-in-law and brother-in-law are still living with us! We haven't had sex in our own house but one time, 3 in the past year! Brother-in-law pays rent only occasionally due to legal issues he got into (not my issue) and anything I say about either of them, I am in the wrong. I have learned to deal with this somehow.

The difficult part is she is always on her phone, text, Facebook, selfies, baby pics (she is 37 now) and when I say anything, I am the one in the wrong. This happens even in bed! We don't talk at all. We have argued so much that I just can't take it anymore. I have pointed this out to her, threatened to leave, to kick her family out and she says if I am not happy, don't stay for our son. She does say she loves me and things will get better. They haven't improved. How do they get better if I have all this to deal with and I try to be nice and then get $hit on any time I make mention of anything with her family living with us or our relationship? I can't win and do not know where else to turn as its been doomed from the start........


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## mouse7 (Apr 18, 2015)

Get out immediately, if for no other reason than to remove your child from the obvious dysfunction that he/she is surrounded in and be a loving father to him/her and give him the strong platform.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

DiscretePete69 said:


> We don't talk at all. We have argued so much that I just can't take it anymore. I have pointed this out to her, threatened to leave, to kick her family out and she says if I am not happy, don't stay for our son.


No, don't stay for your son. This won't get any better. Take it from someone who figured it out at 47 and realized it actually is true at 50+. You do not want to go to bed alone, every night of your life, while the person you love lies two feet away from you with her back turned to you. It's not good on the mind. 

People try to tell me my life isn't over at 53. That I can still find love if I try. Maybe, but it would be a LOT easier at 39 than 50+.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DiscretePete69 said:


> I am a 39 year old guy that has been married for almost three years now. We have been together for nine and this is my second marriage. I was married in my early 20's and divorced as we just grew apart and had a sexless marriage. I know have a 1 year old who we both adore and would do anything for. I never wanted to give up so much as I do now. I am almost telling myself to stay for him and I don't know if that is right or not. The situation has been crazy almost all three years. My father was sick with cancer and does about a year a half ago. Right before that happened, we bought a home as we were renting. She talked me into her dad moving in with us just temporarily as he needed to get back on his feet. Her mom is in and out of the picture and she helped raise her younger brother. (She is 27, he is 27). She is close with her father. He helps with the mortgage but is messy and we constantly argue about this. She always defends him. Anyway, 5 months go by and our son is born. A month later, her deadbeat brother who can't do anything on his own needs a place to stay so guess where he comes? She asks me if this is ok and I lay down stipulations that he must pay rent and its short term.
> 
> Almost a year later now, both the father-in-law and brother-in-law are still living with us! We haven't had sex in our own house but one time, 3 in the past year! Brother-in-law pays rent only occasionally due to legal issues he got into (not my issue) and anything I say about either of them, I am in the wrong. I have learned to deal with this somehow.
> 
> The difficult part is she is always on her phone, text, Facebook, selfies, baby pics (she is 37 now) and when I say anything, I am the one in the wrong. This happens even in bed! We don't talk at all. We have argued so much that I just can't take it anymore. I have pointed this out to her, threatened to leave, to kick her family out and she says if I am not happy, don't stay for our son. She does say she loves me and things will get better. They haven't improved. How do they get better if I have all this to deal with and I try to be nice and then get $hit on any time I make mention of anything with her family living with us or our relationship? I can't win and do not know where else to turn as its been doomed from the start........


Take your wife aside and explain exactly how you are feeling about the current domestic situation, your in-laws, the lack of action, the lack of sex etc and that you are missing her and your family as a unit. Throw down the gauntlet and give her a deadline to ask them to move out and on, if not you are moving out and follow through with separation papers. You must follow through. if she is willing to lose you over her family then you should not be together in the first place.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

First, you need to enforce those boundaries you set. She does not respet you, and your fear is driving your actions, which is never a good thing because it allowed others to walk all over you.

If your wife does leave, then you know where her motivation lies, and it is not with you.

I suggest working on you, going out, detaching from her emotionally, and start living your own life. It will help you see what a bad choice in staying in a loveless marriage is. I am sure their is some kind of love, or attachment, but it is lacking the romantic love needed to sustain a relationship. Your putting up with scraps, and your relegated to the backseat in your own home.

What definition you have for a wife probably no longer applies to her, and your marriage is only one on paper, not in deeds.

By investing in yourself, you will need her less in your life, you will have confidence if things do not work out, you will be mentally strong to move on, and you will not put up with misery for the fear of the unknown.

By knowing you have good qualities, there is someone out there that will cherish that about you, so do not settle for less.

Perhaps in turn, once the fear is gone, she might be the one asking for another chance. Only by letting the power of loss not affect you, you will have the courage to fight for something better.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I suggest Marriage Help Program For Couples

Running away would be cowardly as well as unfair to your son. You need to learn to communicate and to have a backbone/boundaries about the inlaws in the house.

Wherever you go, there you are. IC too.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Sex only one time in your house? Only three times in a YEAR?
Freeloading in-laws?
Constant fighting?

Time to file for divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

happy as a clam said:


> Sex only one time in your house? Only three times in a YEAR?
> 
> Freeloading in-laws?
> 
> ...



Yup. Dump her like yesterday.


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## DiscretePete69 (Apr 28, 2015)

Thank you for the responses, especially the women here as I am truly looking for some answers. Blonde I will look into that for sure!


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## tonygunner007 (Apr 24, 2015)

> I am almost telling myself to stay for him


It seems like that's what you tell her...



> and she says if I am not happy, don't stay for our son


It seems like you're not firm. May be that's why you get that kind of answer.

You must set and enforce your boundaries. You see, happiness is like an infection. Your son won't be happy if the home is not a happy one. The best thing is, if she won't respect you, take action. That way, she'd take you serious.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Since you have a child, I would suggest that you not move out of your home until you have a legal separation agreement in place


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

DiscretePete69 said:


> She does say she loves me and things will get better. They haven't improved. How do they get better if I have all this to deal with and I try to be nice and then get $hit on any time I make mention of anything with her family living with us or our relationship? I can't win and do not know where else to turn as its been doomed from the start........


First of all - I am very sorry to hear you are going through this.

Secondly - I feel for you, because I went through a very similar situation. Look at your quote I referenced above...I also lived with my in laws, and my husband said he loved me and things would get better. BUT THEY DIDN'T. They kept getting worse, our fights escalated and escalated, and I felt myself going crazy. Playing "nice" did not help, it only increased my resentment against my husband and his family.

Things do not get better unless we sit down, actively and courageously look at the situation, recognize the problems and solve each one by one. You guys are not doing that. 

Living in a house with your in laws is a bad situation for the majority of us. You need your space and privacy in your own home with your wife and child. Your wife should understand this - try to talk to her and have her understand. If not, let her know IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that it will cause intense problems in your marriage and that it might result in divorce. If she says, "Do what you want", then put your own health, sanity, peace and happiness first and get out of this very dysfunctional relationship.

Staying for your son, is not something your son has asked you to do. He will not be happy growing up seeing his parents constantly fighting - and if he gets even a whiff of "they stayed together because of me", he will resent you both and feel guilty.

I lived for 3 years with my in laws. Saw the worst side of myself come out, barely recognized myself through the misery and unhappiness. Loved my husband very much but he always took his family's side and never stood up for me, in fact, he blamed me. I packed my bags and left with my 2 year old daughter. It was a very difficult time. Spent 6 months with my parents, then moved in to my condo where - although I miss my husband - I am VERY peaceful, well, healthy and, dare I say it?...even happy. 

And in my culture, getting a divorce and a woman living on her own are very much frowned upon. But I did it anyway - because it was the only way things would ever get better. 

He still chose his biological family, by the way - but every day I am thankful I don't deal with that crap any more.

Don't be afraid. Put you and your son first. Try counselling, try talking, try persuading, try to get her to stand up for you and understand your needs as a couple. If she doesn't - it is ultimately her loss!


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