# Mediation



## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

Well, I finish my mediation with my STBXW yesterday and feel really getting screwed over the entire mediation. 

Walking into the mediation, I had standard visitation schedule, plus getting child support money from my STBXW because her affair during the marriage, which resulted in our current divorce proceeding. My income is higher than hers, with my income contributing roughly 65% to the overall community property and her income contributing 35%. Looking at the financial number presented by both side during the mediation yesterday, I was shocked to see that she pretty much spent all her money to the point which her contribution to the community property has been dropped down to 18%, this leads me having to pay her higher than expected in order to achieve the 50/50 property split.

I bulked at this, but my lawyer and mediator both say that it will be tough to trace the money she spent, plus I may end up paying more legal and court fee than what I have to pay her right now. If I don't settle, the judge may look unfavorably on me and give her the money anyway. With my higher income, I may lose the child support if the case goes to a different judge. I feel I got caught between a rock and a hard place, none of the options looks attractive.

In the end, my lawyer floats the idea giving her some money, not all the money, plus no child support, and she took the deal. I feel so sick in my stomach that I did not really want to sign the document, but getting pushed by my lawyer and the mediator as the best deal possible.

So much for working hard and saving more, basically two thirds of my saving went to her, awarding her for the cheating and lavish spending on her part. Had I known this, I would spend all my money as well.

What a rotten day! :-(


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

The price for freedom can be steep. 

But well worth it in the end. 

Good luck, Dan!


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

I feel for you, as I fear something similar is where I'm heading. Though no children are involved, I made nearly 3x what my wife did last year, but paid for 90% of our monthly bills + all of our mortgage + several large home upgrades (at her urging), all while she was apparently emotionally preparing herself to leave. The money she did make was blown on "business expenses" (clothes and shoes) because, after all, getting to write it off on the taxes is the same as getting it for free 

Based on advice on TAM and conversations with other women I know, all indications are that there must be another man. On top of it, she has tens of thousands in debt in her own name on cards I didn't know she had that I will get stuck with half of. So I get to ponder the reality that I'll be funding her new relationship for as long as she makes the money last.



> So much for working hard and saving more, basically two thirds of my saving went to her, awarding her for the cheating and lavish spending on her part. Had I known this, I would spend all my money as well.


There must be a playbook out there that both of our wives read.


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## danonymous (Sep 21, 2012)

BlueCalcite

We are simply more responsible than them. That's why we don't go out and cheat during our marriage, we don't spend the money like crazy. But the court system is so tilted, cheating is no longer recognized as a fault in the marriage, 50/50 split regardless the situation. 

If you get a lawyer, don't expect him to do all the work for you. That's the mistake I made. Figure out what your bottom line is, how much you have to pay her,etc.

Good luck to you!


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## BlueCalcite (Jul 15, 2013)

danonymous said:


> BlueCalcite
> We are simply more responsible than them.


Definitely. She has a history of it going back to before I knew her. I know she was in credit counseling during her early college days. But you can't tell her that she's irresponsible in any way without her blowing up. One time her defenses kicked in to the point of expressing resentment at me for being responsible, blaming me for "not living in the real world" by not having debt, as if acquiring debt is some sort of merit badge.



> If you get a lawyer, don't expect him to do all the work for you. That's the mistake I made. Figure out what your bottom line is, how much you have to pay her,etc.


Got a lawyer. I'm in a 50/50 state, but the court does have the power to split assets "fairly" instead of equally if there's a good reason, and to assign debts to the one who incurred them if there's good reason. But the advice from my lawyer is that, in our district, it will be 50/50 unless I can find cases similar to mine where it was split differently. So to save her time and me money, she's got me going through hundreds of pages of case history for our district to see how and why things have been divided previously. Of course, the best thing would be to not even let it get to the courts, but I want to at least know what I have a chance to accomplish that way before negotiating away more than I need to.


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## Sincererlytrying (Oct 31, 2012)

Do you live somewhere without "no fault" divorce? I don't think any body expects support or property distribution to be affected by an affair any more.


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