# Sex Shaming?



## 355531 (8 mo ago)

So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.

I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.

I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


Why on earth did you get married if you don’t want sex? I feel really sorry for your poor husband.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You should divorce your husband. You two are not compatible on the most fundamental level.

You should not just have sex to "service" him when you really want it. That would be you being emotionally abusive of him. People who have a healthy sex drive don't just want sex, they want and need the passion that comes with it.

You might want to look for a dating site for asexual people. Find a man who also does not like and/or want sex.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


Did you tell him, point blank, before you married him that you never wanted to have sex?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

It's not sex shaming to expect sex will be part of marriage. 

Did you let him know before you got married you wouldn't be having a sexual relationship?


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Nothing wrong being a virgin and never wanting sex. What is wrong and cruel is marrying a man who wants sex with his wife to find out she has no interest in sex ever. The kindest thing you can do is to divorce him, unless you work on having a healthy sex life with your husband.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


You need to dissolve the marriage. It is a sham marriage anyway. The real question you should be asking is why did I get married in the first place. I also wonder what is wrong with your husband. Did he know you would not be having sex with him after getting married?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

This is an opportunity to grow.

You can't change the past, but you can now be honest with your husband - and yourself.

As an asexual person, own it. Be you. And if you do choose to divorce, make a commitment to yourself to be clear and straightforward with others in the future.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Dissolve the marriage so you both can be happy.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


You clearly shouldn't have got married. It's cruel to marry a person when you know you have no interest in sex and no intention of having sex. Get an annulment.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

I would also ask did you tell this man that you were a virgin and intended to stay this way even after getting married?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

@Shinigami709 it's doubtful you're a 40yo virgin or 40yrs old. What brings you to TAM?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Shinigami709 said:


> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage.


Good idea!


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


I got lost at sticking to your guns or let him have sex... why did you get married? Like others have asked, did he know he was going to be in a sexless marriage beforehand?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

I don't know what to make of this post. Honestly. I'm at a loss for words.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Shinigami709
Just wanted to be clear about something. It's not "Sex Shaming?" for a man or a woman to want sex with their spouse.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I don't know what to make of this post. Honestly. I'm at a loss for words.


We may have another goner... 🏃‍♀️


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You need to get a divorce and go your separate ways. No, you should not submit to sex when you do not feel like having it. But your husband should not have to live like that and you need to free him to find a new person.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Is it me or these new posts and posters becoming more and more unbelievable?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Is it me or these new posts and posters becoming more and more unbelievable?


The posts are such extreme stereotypes that one has to wonder, right?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

Works said:


> We may have another goner... 🏃‍♀️


I'm sticking. Just completely befuddled by this posting. She gets married and expects to never have sex with her husband? Huh? If they never consummated the marriage, he can have it annulled. No alimony. Go to court. Done. Walk. See ya. "Enjoy celibacy," his parting comment?


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## 355531 (8 mo ago)

Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex. 

Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Shinigami709 said:


> Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex.
> 
> Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


You must be totally deluded if you think the average person is going to agree that a spouse wanting sex with their husband/wife is sex shaming. 

Why did you get married? And he knew you weren't into sex, but did he know you never had any plans of having sex?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

When you post on TAM, you have to expect receiving comments you may not like. And, to be frank, after looking at your original post, I don't see "he knew before that I wasn't into sex" Perhaps you implied it, but we didn't catch that. Puts a new light on things. If he knew, he must have been accepting of that. So he got married to you. Then realized, "wait a minute, I need sex with my wife."


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Numb26 said:


> Is it me or these new posts and posters becoming more and more unbelievable?


Same person?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Shinigami709 said:


> Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex.
> 
> Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


Oh brother...you have to know that your desire for a sexless marriage is VERY VERY rare, so is going to be met with skepticism anywhere you go...I suspect that's why you are posting on an anonymous forum instead of asking your friends and co-workers what you should do.

Why don't you tell your husband that he can find sex with another woman, since you don't want sex with him and he clearly is a sexual being (like most humans are)...would that be ok with you, opening your marriage for him to find sex partners?


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Same person?


The incensed, outraged attitude to replies certainly seems to be the common theme with the OPs of all these new threads.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Shinigami709 said:


> Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex.
> 
> Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


1. “I’m not into sex” does not = “i’ll never have sex with you.” 
Did you actually clearly tell your husband that you were never going to have sex with him?

2. If EVERYONE else is telling you the same thing, if a group of random anonymous strangers on the internet are all telling your that it’s you that is wrong and unreasonable… it’s YOU.
Your husband is not wrong for wanting sex with his wife , YOU are wrong to expect otherwise. Now divorce him so he can find a real wife.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Shinigami709 said:


> Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex.
> 
> Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


It's not really siding with him per se. 

If you don't want to have sex, you don't have to. 

But, if he wants to have a sex life and you refuse with him, he is in his right to divorce you and/or seek it with someone else.


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## Busy Washing My Hair (7 mo ago)

So why did my post get deleted for insinuating somebody was a troll but there are still plenty of other posts in this thread insinuating the same thing?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sfort said:


> Same person?


Maybe


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## elliblue (7 mo ago)

Well, we don't know what circumstances caused you two people to got married. But those clearly weren't healthy circumstances. Maybe you both are from cultures that aren't open to talking about sexuality and aren't educated to understand how sexuallity really works. It is a weird story. Both of you seem rather old and commiting to a marriage this age if it haopened just recently. and one being virgin is really strange. 
Maybe he was asexual due to some hormon disrurbance and now suddenly his hormones changed making him being sexual.
But it means he isn't the same person anymore and your confusion isn't unrealistic. 
But having a desire for sex isn't abnormal and no one will help you forcing him to live asexually if it isn't his desire. But it doesn't mean you have to provide him with sex. It is your decision and you shouldn't have sex wirh him unless it is your pure desire.
But you should seperate if you both feel different about sex. 

Both of you seem to have a lack of knowledge and experience with sexuality. Based on OPs name I assume you didn't grow up or live in western society. 
Maybe both of you were 'left overs' from a rather concervitive society in which exploring sex outside marriage wasn't possible? If so, your husband might not have been aware that there are people out there who don't have a desire for sex. Meybe he didn't ubderstand dispite you telling him, that someone is possible to have zero desire for sex. 
He might have thought he was lucky to have found a person to get married to and that marriage automatically means he would get his sexual needs served.

People who lack any desire for sex seem to be in denial that other people have an urge to perform sexual acts. They seem to lack any sort of empathy.
Maybe because it isn't part of the bubble they are living in. They seem unable to look outside their bubble. 

but one has to take into consideration that those people never experienced the desire having sex.
Same as it is to us alien, it is to them that other people would like to do such things.

To them it is like people having the desire ro rape another person. To them it is an intrusion into their integrety. 

To them it is like a good friend they dearly love wanting to have sex with them. They feel close to the person, but they don't have the sex drive that makes them feel the desire for that person to touch their intimate parts of their body.
To sexual beings this sounds strange. But it is real and honest to them.
Sexual desire and arousion switches parts of our brain that makes us want and alllow others we desire to get close to the core of our being. Our DNA and our evolution. People without sex drive don't have that switch.
They protect themselves from anyone getting to close to their DNA and inner core. They don't won't to be part of evolution kind of. They are in a state that makes them feel sufficiant enough and happy to just be alive. They don't need the input of an other being biologically to survive beyond their own and recent existent. They just exist without the urge to reproduce and evolve And this is ok. Not every human being born needs to reproduce for humanity or any species to survive.

The problem here is, why those two got married. The husband is as much a problem as the OP.

The OP needs to understand that neither she or her husband is the problem. Them being tohether is . Maybe they have problems in their ability to make decisions.
But she needs to understand that this marriage was a mistake for some reason. 

I doubt that it is a relationship based on true love. Both of them considered the other spouse to be something he or she isn't. This simply means something was plain wrong when both desided to get married and both should seperate.

OP needs to understand that healthy sexuality is about consent. Both need to want the same. And if one doesn't want to have sex but the other you don't make a match. You can't force another person not wanting to have sex. Neither can you force a person to want to have sex. Both are ways of abuse. 

If you OP don't want to have sex, it is your decision and your sexuality. I get, you didn't have sex prior to marriage and now he complaints.
There is something clearly wrong with your husband or your communication, if he desided to marry you although you told him you aren't into sex.

To you as asexual person it feels like abuse being married to someone who suddenly wants to have sex with you. 
If this is the case you have to get divorced.
You think you made your point clear and you might have in your own way. But maybe due to your lack of desire and understanding of other peoples sexual needs, your message might have not been clear enough to him as the sexual being he is the way you thought it would be. But it means you two have severe deficites. 

Your relationship isn't healthy. Neither you or him commiting to the others need will make your marriage healthy. 

Seperate. There is no other solution.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Shinigami709 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage. I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex. Last night I got blamed for him having pains under his stomach area. Got told he's been very horny and hasn't been able to get off.
> 
> I guess I'm just looking for opinions on if I should stick to my guns or let him have sex even though there is nothing there.


A marriage without mutual desire is an emotional fraud.
So don´t "let him".
Divorce.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

You cannot expect a man to be faithful to you if you do not meet his sexual needs. Sex is obviously important to you - or you wouldn't care if he went and slept with someone else. 
You seem very selfish to me, most people, especially men have sexual needs. It's how they feel loved and cared for and is a physical thing men feel the need to do, akin to breathing. 
HE should divorce you.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The posts are such extreme stereotypes that one has to wonder, right?


 Some seem to like to shock , some have a reason they want to push their kink or what ever they are into , to try make it look more social excepted, then we have the posters that try and show they live in the perfect life that is ever given and has a super love life , but then you have to ask if they have this super love life how do they give so much time reading and responding to posts on this and other forums as if someone is spending the time responding to posts they have to be neglecting their lover ,lol


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

the strongest defenders of something often are the ones in hiding , 
Many years ago I know of a case when abortion was against the law in our country 
Local religious man arranged for his niece to go to the uk for one 

politicians are not the only one that portray them self as having the super marriage and it is well know it is a plus if you have a partner that ticks all the boxs 

no one expects someone to put on their cv that they have a mistress , or they visit swinging clubs or escorts , but they put that they follow football or ruby but when the football have a big match in our town we get a huge increase in the number of escorts as well for the same weekend , 

so even on what is an anonymous forum people take on an image to feel good or fit in with what they think others will like or the other extreme and be the devil,

it is often found that people that are in their day to day life are quite but give them a forum and a keyboard and they become a different person ,

some posters are honest and some are as honest as they can be 

same as it is often said only people with perfect life's post on Facebook ,


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Numb26 said:


> Is it me or these new posts and posters becoming more and more unbelievable?


More creative.


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

355531 said:


> So, I've never been one to want sex. Over 40 and still a virgin tbh. I have no interest or desire with my H, but he keeps making me feel worse but not having sex with him. Last night wasn't the first either. On our honeymoon he said it was a waste because I wouldn't put out.
> 
> I'm at the point that I want to dissolve the marriage.


I think it should be dissolved. If you don't want sex, that is just your preference. Can't blame you if you have no desire. 

But didn't your husband know this before he married you? If so, he shouldn't have married you. That's not a slam against you, just that he should have known that about you.



> I can't keep feeling horrible for not having sex.


You shouldn't feel horrible. He shouldn't make you feel horrible either. If you have no sex drive, you have no sex drive. You could see a doctor about it, but in my non-doctor opinion, I'm not sure it would do any good.

You two should just sit down and discuss divorce. Nobody's fault here (except he shouldn't be making you feel bad for something that is no fault of your own), just 2 people who aren't compatible.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

355531 said:


> Wow, I really don't believe some of the stuff replied to me. You can have your opinions but to call me a liar about my age/sexual history? Just wow. And yeah, he knew before that I wasn't into sex.
> 
> Glad you all side with him. Wondering why I tried reaching out for anonymous advice...screw this place.


Why the anger?

Take a breath. You came here seeking something. Remember it's the internet. Nobody is taking sides. The comments are based on the info you shared. 

Instead of being so defensive why don't you relax and try to do what grown-ups attempt to do and that's have a conversation. You may not like what you hear but some of the comments may be exactly what you do need to hear. 

Instead of being like Cartman, and saying, "screw you guys I'm out of here", why don't you try to see if you can get some wisdom to help you out?


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## Longtime Hubby (7 mo ago)

sideways said:


> Why the anger?
> 
> Take a breath. You came here seeking something. Remember it's the internet. Nobody is taking sides. The comments are based on the info you shared.
> 
> ...


“South Park“ reference! Love it. She needs some “sweet lovin’ “ as Chef sang about


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