# Is this just a "bump in the road" or more?



## JJ27 (Jan 23, 2012)

Hi everyone, my husband and I have been having issues for over a year now, and I have come to the point where I am thinking that divorce is the right thing to do, but I am still not completely sure and need advice. Our problems pretty much began the day after we got married, which was about 2 years ago (yes not very long ago). My husband has always been a momma's boy, to the point where he would ditch me for her, 
and before we would make weekend plans he would see what she was doing. She controls him, and would call during dinner, and try and make it so we basically had no time together. It all started after we were married, not while we were engaged or even dating, so I just thought maybe it was hard for her to admit that her son had another woman in his life or something I don't know. 

Last year we had a baby, who was born 6 weeks early weighing 2 lbs. It was so hard on us to go through that, not knowing what would happen to her. She was so strong and made it through all of her issues, and is now a beautiful healthy girl, and is the only thing that really keeps us together anymore, which isn't right or good for her. When we had her, his mother came to the hospital and demanded to see her, when I hadn't even seen her yet because of the C section complications, and he let his mother see her first. Then she had a scene in the NICU, and was loud and obnoxious and we finally had to kick her out of the hospital. She always tries to take over everything, or every get together, even if it is at my family's house. We didn't even get to eat or dance at our wedding because she kept pulling my husband away. To make a long story short, we had to go to court with her because of all of the threats she was making towards me, and the threats her family was making towards my daughter and my family. That was 9 months ago, and now my husband is trying to make up with her. During that whole 9 months all we did was argue about it every day. I am happy that he is trying to make things right with his mother again, but it has gone back to her controlling everything and not respecting me. 

My husband has no concern for my feelings, and wants me to just forget everything and let her control us again, and our kid and doesn't care that I want to take things slow. It's a constant arguement about trust, and our lives together because of her. All we do is fight. Don't get me wrong, I am trying really hard to include her in things, and be nice, and be open, and respectful of her but I hate that I don't get the same back, and I can't stand not being able to talk to my husband because he is always talking to her or with her. He even tells me that he hopes I die, or that he can't wait until we break up, or I leave him, or move or whatever. He won't leave though, and when I say that I will file divorce if he wants me to, he doesn't say anything and just stays here so I can't tell what he really wants. When I ask and try to talk he calls his mother. He never sticks up for me, even over little things like telling his mother and his step mother not to post pictures of our daughter online to strangers. To me that's a no brainer, never ever show someone a picture of someone else's kid without their permission, but to him he doesn't care. 

Is this marriage worth saving if after less than 2 years we already can't agree on things, and can't work as a team without his mother? Or are some marriages just like this, where the mother in law is always there? Should I keep trying to be open about his mother, or is it time to really make him listen to me and my feelings, and if he won't just walk away? I want to do what is best for my daughter, but for me too. I have tried so hard to talk to him, and to work things out and be nice but it is just killing me and I am never happy anymore. I just need some advice on where to go from here. I don't want to just give up, but I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like we just aren't meant to be, and that things will never work out, and that we aren't even in love anymore because of all of the money. Thanks to anyone for their advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What were the issues you had to go to court over with your MIL? This could make a huge difference in the answers you get.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What were the issues you had to go to court over with your MIL? This could make a huge difference in the answers you get.

Without the above info, you need to really put your foot down. Your husband is mostly the problem. If he were to set boundaries with his mother most, if not all of this, would not be happening. So you need to show him that you are serious about either he stands with you, his wife, or you will leave him… period.
Do not tell him this however until you have seen an attorney. You will need to have everything ready to go to file for divorce. Have your finances in order, etc. So that if he tell you he does not want to work on the marriage you can call your attorney within hours to file and have him served.
One of the reasons I suggest you have everything ready ahead of time is that his mother will most likely be running his side of the divorce. You want to make sure that your attorney files a temporary custody order that sets up either 50/50, or you with as close to 100% custody and him with visitation right off the bat. Your husband will have not only his own money to spend on a divorce, but I’ll bet mom will throw in what she can as she will see this as her fight.

Do you two have joint checking and savings accounts? Do you have a job?


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## JJ27 (Jan 23, 2012)

The issues that we had to go to court over were just the threats that she and her family made, it was for a restraining order because her family threatened to hurt me and my mother, and take my kid. We still have an order against his aunt, but his mother had a lawyer and we didn't, so her order was denied. 

I do have a job, we share a bank account but we make the same amount of money, and I do all of the finances. We have talked several times about a divorce if it happens to just take our own money and our own property and go, we really don't have any joint property, we buy what we want with our own money. The custody though I'm not sure if it would be an issue, my family watches her while we are at work, but he would most deffinetly move in with his mother and I know I wouldn't be comfortable with my daughter around her that much knowing how much she trash talks me. I have tried to talk to him about all of this, but he just doesn't get it. Any suggestions on how to get him to listen and talk?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, I already gave you a suggestion to get him to listen and talk… to tell him that either he listens, talks and becomes a strong team with you or you are filing for divorce. He will not listen until he really believes he will lose you. If he cares at all, you will shock him out of this ridiculous place he’s in right now.

Do you have proof of the MIL’s threats? If she makes any more call the police. You need to document that she is a threat to you. This way your husband cannot have your child stay at his mother’s house.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I wonder if religion comes into it. What surprises me is that your MIL doesnt ask your H to divorce since she hates you so much. 
I think you should divorce. You cant win against so many people. Your H will never back you up. Get out as quick as you can or move elsewhere.


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