# United we stand... Divided we fall!



## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

How do you deal with absent family and in-laws with small children?

I have had so many other issues going on around me and been so clouded to even focus on the other little things, but this has been a huge breakthrough/ realization today in Therapy for us.

My husband said he was hurt because my father has been the only one to come and see me and my children in the time that we have been together. 

It never dawned on me about how absent the rest of my family and all of his family has been. 

I know a few times I have come to TAM and other sister sites about the issues at hand with having to drop what we are doing or make arrangments around going to our families... but never once has my mother or his parents or our grandparents came to see us. 

I can understand my grandparents because the good lord only knows how long I have left with them but yeah.... 

Our therapist asked me what my thoughts were on it and I drew a blank at the time... I just said I didn't realize that was hurting my husband and why he would take something beyond my control like that out on me. 

Is he hurting because of their absenteeism in the babies lives?

How do others here on TAM handle family, friends and other relatives not making an effort or not wanting to be involved much in their childrens lives?

How do I handle that as a Mother?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How often do you invite extended family members to your home? 

I think this goes two ways. They might not be stopping by. But are you inviting them to things at your home?


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## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

I was never one to get worked up over whether someone wanted to hang out with me or not so I would probably have your perspective of not noticing individual absentees. I would invite family over sometimes for a meal or whatever but I didn't really *need* them to come save me or anything so without a prompt from them to come see the kids they might not have visited that often. As long as *I* am in my kids' lives the non-nuclear family members are only a "nice to have". If it really bothers your husband that they don't visit, he should invite them (after making sure it is OK with you).

Is there a particular reason your family would be avoiding your husband or family? Are spur of the moment or "just because" visits something your family does? 

I'm sure once my kids move out, I would want them to have their own space and life. I would like to visit but I would only do so when I knew it wasn't an inconvenience or they actually would like me to be there.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Well it does go without saying, from me but. I was wrong it's the families, you just want to live in peace but you can't do this by yourself. You H needs to back you.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I've gone back and re read some of your other threads including this one describing your husband's family. https://talkaboutmarriage.com/famil...uilding-repairing-law-drama.html#post20056419

All I have to say is drop that rope. You are trying to fix something that is so far out of your control as to be fantasy. If your husband wants his family to visit, then it's up to him to repair those relationships and do the inviting.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Extended families do not visit us at all... a few months before our separation right when things started getting really bad... i flipped out because my husband wanted us to go see his family more.. i told him they could come to see us it worked both ways. I and his mother had words over it also they all came to our house and stayed for about an hour and left. 

That was the first and only time they've been to our home.


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