# If you leave her, you become Bigger Than Life



## Zhopa (Jan 18, 2012)

Since I'm on the verge of leaving, I'm now reflecting on how women that I've had relationships with in the past ---or just dated--- viewed their exes with an awe that blotted out the negativity, and made them seem 'bigger than life'... 

It's as if, given the choice, they'd always go back because the present partner is never good enough. 

But if you, her current man, leave... then YOU ascend to the Bigger Than Life spot. The sanctum sanctorum. She'll then treat the new partner not-to-well, and will finally re-evaluate her own stingy, LD, mean abusive behaviour toward you when she had you... because there MIGHT be a chance of getting you back.

Think I'm making this up? I am reflecting. In past relationships, I've often been the new guy who has to listen (patiently) to her baggage about the ex... and no matter how bad (she says) he was, it's clear that she'd go back, given the chance. Occasionally she DID go back, particularly when I had (or thought I had) a new relationship, spending a great deal of time and money, only to realise that I was just there as a vacation hotel, then she went back home. 

What I hate about dating is the dishonesty. The guy has to put out time and money, only to discover late in the game that she's trying to make her ex (or even current boyfriend) jealous. She won't even mention the current boyfriend for a long time.

Anyway I'm weighing the pros and cons of leaving. I never considered it before, but I'm tired of putting up with the way I'm treated, just to keep a marriage together.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You sound very bitter and upset. My advice is that when this happens: 



Zhopa said:


> In past relationships, I've often been the new guy who has to listen (patiently) to her baggage about the ex... and no matter how bad (she says) he was, it's clear that she'd go back, given the chance. Occasionally she DID go back, particularly when I had (or thought I had) a new relationship, spending a great deal of time and money, only to realise that I was just there as a vacation hotel or something like that.


... dump the people you are dating. Also, if this is a pattern with the women you choose to date, definitely get into counselling to see why you keep attracting and are attracted to this type of woman who talks about all her exes baggage.

Do not stereotype all women. It's not healthy.



Zhopa said:


> What I hate about dating is the dishonesty. The guy has to put out time and money, only to discover late in the game that she's trying to make her ex (or even current boyfriend) jealous.


Again, you are seeking out unhealthy people to date. It's a pattern. Also, if you view dating as a dishonest venture where you have to put in time and money only to see someone try to make someone else jealous, then you are either not choosing wisely who you date and/or you have an unhealthy view of dating.

Try something new. Cause what you have been doing hasn't worked.

The definition of insanity is............


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Zhopa ~

My first take after reading your thread is that you are definitely hanging with the wrong kind of women. 

I agree with Jellybeans' analysis of the situation.

You know they say that if you are always in bad relationships that the common denominator in all of that is ... you.

Why do you think you are attracted to these kinds of women?

Why do you think that they are attracted to you?

Maybe if you could dig into that a little bit, you could find some things that you could positively change in yourself, and you could end up attracting someone who won't play games with you. 

Don't stand for that kind of conduct in a relationship. If you date a game player and jealous control freak, then tell yourself "I deserve better than this" and move on.

Best wishes.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I hate to add nothing but agreement, but it sounds like you need to stop being their therapist when dating. Be clear, if she needs to complain about past boyfriends that is what her girlfriends are for. If on a first, second or third date she is trying to explain why she may be bitter or suspicious of you, you may express sympathy for her situation but I wouldn't date her again. 

In my view the women who complain most about their exes aren't ready to move on. I won't be cast as the "nice guy" against her evil but compelling ex.

There is a time and place in a serious relationship to understand each others significant baggage, but I think you need to set the tone from the start. When you are starting out with someone you both need to see it as a fresh start.


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