# I left...



## Faithy (Mar 8, 2011)

My weekend didn't go as planned and we ended up getting in an arguement and he told me that it was over and he was filing for divorce on Monday (today). Long story short, we spoke again on Sunday and he said he needs time to think. He has changed into a person who I don't know anymore, and this all seemed to happen over night. I'm now staying with my parents and can barely function throughout the day but have to find a way to get myself through the day. I think he has a lot of issues that are making him unhappy, not all of which have anything to do with me. I am pleading he talk to someone, but he says he's not ready and accuses me of not being able to accept his answer that he's not ready. He really is a good man - he's such a good man. My family is absolutley devastated because they all love him so much. I know that it's over, he says he needs time, but I know he has emotionally checked out. I literally don't know what to do with myself I am so sad.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

First off, I know things are tough. Your emotions are going crazy! What helped me when me and my husband got separated was to write things down. Write how you feel now and also how you felt before all of this happened. This is important so you can go back and reference how you were feeling in a few days or weeks. You don't want to make rash decisions based on individual changing emotions.

Now breathe! There is nothing you can do right this second, so give yourself some time to just sit and do nothing. Watch TV. Stare at the wall. Cry your eyes out. Just don't call him. Don't text him. Don't email him.

Another thing that helped me during our separation was to keep a notebook where i wrote letters to him. Anytime i would think about him, i'd write in the notebook just as if i was writing to him. It kept me from calling him and it also allowed me to get my thoughts out. I had intended on giving it to him, but didn't end up doing that. 

I know it's tough. It will continue to be tough for a while. Try not to make assumptions of what he's thinking or what he's feeling. Don't assume he has made his mind up. If he had made his mind up, you'll probably be the first person to know. Don't jump to conclusions. Have hope and continue to give him his space. 

Make sure you guys determine the boundaries of this separation. Are you both allowed to see other people? If you're not ok with that, make sure you tell him that you have no intention on seeing/talking to/sleeping with any other person, and you expect the same from him. This is very important!

My heart goes out to you and I hope the best for your situation. Hang in there! Also, don't forget, I'm sure you're a good person too...don't discount that!


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Take the time to work on yourself, seriously, it will make you appear much more attractive to him as an overall package. I have been separated from my wife now for going on 8 months and I wish I had taken that advice sooner. I haven't saved my own marriage yet so I can't provide proof, but seriously, WORK ON YOURSELF and he will see that.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

> he says he's not ready and accuses me of not being able to accept his answer that he's not ready


 This stuff takes a long time. I was in MC with my wife for 10 months and separated for 2 VERY long and hard months. My story is in my profile if you care to read it.

This can still turn out with you two together. He needs time, and sometimes its months. This stuff is very hard for people.

Best of luck


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## Faithy (Mar 8, 2011)

Confused Wife... Your post really help get me through the last few days. You reiterated what so many of my friends and family have been saying. Space. Space. Space. I neve realized just how ambiguous that word is. It's like one day you're there, at home with your family, the next you wake up alone in your childhood bed at your parents house. My new roommate (my mom) went out to get me soup yesterday, and when she came home, I had been just staring at the wall and was crying hystericallly. Yesterday was a really tough day. He has been contacting, basically just a quick text or email, "how are you"... it's nice to know he is thinking of me but makes me want to leap through my iPhone and scream at him that I'm anything but OK. Because I'm not. I'm not OK.
Last night was the first night since we have been together that we didnt not speak before bed. That was really difficult for me. He is at a conference and so this morning I woke up and my stomach hurt at the thought that he could have potentially cheated on me. So I took your advice, I messaged him because I needed to know the boundaries of this "break" that we are taking. I asked him if it was OK that we saw other people... he responded well, asking why I would ask that and no, he does not think that's OK. I guess it gives me some piece of mind, but on the other hand, I don't know who this person is anymore so I have no idea what he's actually capable of.

@CDBaker...any suggestions? I dont know how to take care of myself right now, I literally don't know what to do. I'm barely eating so I can't go to the gym because I have no strength to do so. 

@Anx - read your profile, it was very difficult to read. It was almost like your wife is my husband and I am you. I always want to talk about everything and he always wants to wait it out and/or sweep it under the rug like it never happened. I think what hurts the absolute most is it's like he doesn't even care. I feel like he is doing absolutley nothing to work on this marriage right now, and I can't for the life of me understand why. This is his second marriage, you would think he would do anything to make it work, especially when his partner loves him as much as I do. I just don't understand and it's what keeps me up at night. I saw on your profile about the book "Why Marriages Fail...", our therapist who we saw once recommended that book, so I ordered it on Amazon on that same day. I haven't been home since Sunday, I bet it's there. It was a book we were supposed to read together. He won't read it on his own though, he doesn't "read" books and I'm not there to read it with him. I guess I'll just read it and continue to work on things myself :/


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

Just a heads up, there are 3-5 people in similar situations to your struggling to cope that have their stories on these forums and post daily. All you can do it a hard 180 and wait. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/self-help-marriage-relationship-programs/18671-180.html
You might want to pick up the divorce busters stuff too.


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## Confused-Wife (Jan 26, 2011)

I'm glad my words helped you in some way. Are you keeping a notebook of your feelings? I know it sounds dumb...and journaling isn't for everyone (definitely not for me), but it will really help put things in perspective when a new feelings comes your way, or when the situation changes, even if only in a small way. It'll help IF you get back together too.

I couldn't eat during my separation either. Don't force yourself to eat if you don't want to. Try to drink water though. Lots of water! Just try to remember that you're not going to die over this. One way or another, you are going to be ok. Did you hear me? IT'S GOING TO BE OK!!! Just keep repeating that to yourself. It might not make you feel better right now, but it will eventually.

When I was going through my separation, I just wanted someone to say "it's going to be ok"...but no one would tell me that. They just kept giving me their opinion on him or me, or whatever. 

I am here to tell you, IT'S GOING TO BE OK.

Hang in there! I know it's tough!


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## Faithy (Mar 8, 2011)

anx, what's divorce busters?

CW - Yes, I did take your advice. I actually reread your words this morning and ran across the street to the store and bought a notebook... I wrote my first entry from work this morning in the form of a letter to him. It helped me a bit, but it's nothing I haven't said to him, so that was the frustrating part. 

Did you and your husband make it back together?


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

From the link in my last post. I guess i meant divorce busting.



> The 180 is a list of behaviours from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person.


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