# My husband keeps racking up debt.



## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

I am in an exactly similar situation.

Married for 17 years - he lost his job 11 years ago. I have been sole bread winner. He keeps trying different "business". Initially it did not matter because I had a very good paying job and solid financial backup. But over the years it slowly started eroding. He would rack up the debt - I would fight, cry and eventually pay it off because it didn't make sense to pay "interest". 

Three years ago I lost my job and couldn't get another job with all the recession. We went almost bankrupt. On. Ew years eve we did not even have $3.00 to buy milk. I struggled really hard to bring us back on track. Working endlessly for almost 20-22 hours a day. Things started looking up. I started paying off the debt slowly but consistently - only to find out he ended up getting some credit cards and getting a huge loan of another $20k.

I don't know what to do. We have two kids together. I have never loved anyone other than him. I have tried everything from counselling to yelling and screaming and crying and threatening. Not sure what I should do anymore. I don't want to put kids through this as they love their dad. Also I don't think he can survive if I throw him out. But I am under a lot of stress. I don't want to keep paying his debt all my life. I want to walk away but don't have the courage to do so. Help me. I feel like a total loser.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I dont know which country you liv, e.g. but there are organisations which can help with debt management/personal debt. Find out if you have something like this in your own country.
It sounds like your H has a major issue with money management. He needs some sort of help. It might be better if you got advice about settling his debts. Is it possible for him to be declared a bankrupt so then he would be unable to get credit cards, personal loans etc and you could ask him to get a job and would not be responsible for his debt?


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## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Separate all your finances and stop paying off his debt.

He is irresponsible with money because he knows he has you to bail him out. Stop doing it. Make him be responsible for himself.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you don't mind sharing, what is the total debt right now?

You need to separate yourself legally from him so that only he is responsible for his debt. The only way to do that is to divorce him.

If you still love him, you could still stay with him. But don't have the legal tangle of marriage.

What's happened is that you keep bailing him out. So apparently his credit is still good enough to get in debt. If you divorce him and do not pay his debt, he will end up with a credit score that would chase lenders.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

aine said:


> I dont know which country you liv, e.g. but there are organisations which can help with debt management/personal debt. Find out if you have something like this in your own country.
> It sounds like your H has a major issue with money management. He needs some sort of help. It might be better if you got advice about settling his debts. Is it possible for him to be declared a bankrupt so then he would be unable to get credit cards, personal loans etc and you could ask him to get a job and would not be responsible for his debt?


If he declares bankruptcy, the companies he owes money to will come after her for the money. She would have to declare bankruptcy with him.

Plus, it's not all that hard to get loans a fairly short time after declaring bankruptcy. So I think she has to sever herself legally from him.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Loser2017 said:


> I am in an exactly similar situation.
> 
> Married for 17 years - he lost his job 11 years ago. I have been sole bread winner.




He couldn't find any job in 11 years? I know that's not your question, but that just seems strange unless he's severely disabled (in which case he should be collecting disability benefits).


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Loser2017 said:


> I am in an exactly similar situation.
> 
> Married for 17 years - he lost his job 11 years ago. I have been sole bread winner. He keeps trying different "business". Initially it did not matter because I had a very good paying job and solid financial backup. But over the years it slowly started eroding. He would rack up the debt - I would fight, cry and eventually pay it off because it didn't make sense to pay "interest".
> 
> ...


OF COURSE he can survive if you throw him out! He has made the conscious CHOICE to let you carry the burdens in your marriage, and you just keep doing it. He is severely selfish to run up debt like that when he is not contributing financially. Why cant you find the courage to end this? Are you happy like this?? If you were, you wouldnt be here. He doesnt give a damn how hard you work, he is all about himself. 

Time to cut him off. Remove him from all bank accounts, close out all joint credit cards, he gets only grocery money to buy for the family. If he doesnt like it, then he can either get a JOB, or get the **** out. You wouldnt be losing anything besides a babysitter.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Whats he spending the money on?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Separate your finances, make him responsible for his own debt. Marriage is about being a team not about raising an adult child.

You need to do something before he ruins you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I'd bet you'd be under a lot less stress and make a more stable and tension free household for your kids if you divorced your husband and were no longer responsible for his debts. You could, as suggested upthread, continue to be a couple without the legal entanglement of marriage. He'd have to either stop spending or get a job and pay his own bills. 

My exH made debts and his mommy made payments. He spent most of his adult life either unemployed or employed for a few months, at most, before he'd quit. He was extremely financially irresponsible and his mom enabled him by paying off his debts. This was one of the reasons I left him. It's nearly 20 years later and his mother is STILL paying his bills. When she dies or becomes physically unable to work, my ex and his wife are going to be totally screwed. They're both over 40 and neither has actually worked for years. By paying his bills, my exMIL did my exH no favors. You aren't doing your H any favors, either.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

As unorthodox as it sounds, you could just not pay off his mess, and file bankruptcy. Then just don't pay anything off when he gets another loan. Don't sign anything, but don't pay anything either. Let it all crash and burn.

Yes, there are advantages to having a better credit rating. But I think you should work a reasonable number of hours, and just let it go. You need to be on a cash basis, one way or another.

Your only reasonable alternative is divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm in the same boat and every single professional I've talked to has told me to file bankruptcy, with or without him, and never let him touch my money again.

This isn't really a money issue. I'm sure you're aware of that, right?

This is an inability of YOURS to say no to your User husband.

You say you've tried everything. Have you gone to therapy to learn how to respect yourself and figure out WHY you can't say no to him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> I'm in the same boat and every single professional I've talked to has told me to file bankruptcy, with or without him, and never let him touch my money again.
> 
> This isn't really a money issue. I'm sure you're aware of that, right?
> 
> ...


If she stays married to him and files bankruptcy, that bankruptcy will only apply to the debt listed in the bankruptcy court documents. So she would still be responsible for any new debt that he creates. 

This is why her getting a divorce to sever are legal obligations to pay his debt is so important.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree. But she doesn't seem to be willing to stand up to him, so if nothing else, this would be a huge wakeup call.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

Theseus said:


> He couldn't find any job in 11 years? I know that's not your question, but that just seems strange unless he's severely disabled (in which case he should be collecting disability benefits).


He doesn't want to get a job. He wants to do business. Initially it seemed okay - that's what you do as partners. You support each other's dreams. I was doing really well financiallly and in my career. But then he started making bad decisions - hiring employes when he is not even driving revenue to just pay basic bills. The first time I bailed out of 150k debt on top of all the joint saving he had used up. He said he would fix things - but it just kept getting worst. In fact things started falling apart on other fronts too.

He could never do house chores - but as he started failing in his business things got worse. He started becoming more irresponsible than ever. He wouldn't even manage the basic things around the house because it "hurt" his pride. I was stuck working long hours and then coming home to manage everything in the house from running around with kids to their homework to soccer practice to cooking and cleaning and socializing and managing a normal family front. I kept giving excuses on his behalf - he is going through a rough patch. Things will get better. But they did not mainly because his lack of proper judgement. When I tried to help him with business planning (because that's what I do for a living - I build growth strategies for tech organizations - the irony) - he refused. I am a man of my own mind - nobody tells me what to do. I bailed him twice again 75k and 60k.

I know leaving him makes sense. But I am afraid. I pretend everything is okay - I thought it doesn't matter cause I make enough money. Then the Liam's started adding up. We had no savings left. The interest started killing me. I left my cozy job and took up a new job with a big raise. Things didn't work out for me and I got let go in 3 months without any package. I was emotionally shattered. Couldn't get another job partially because of recession but mainly because of my mental state of mind. In less than four months we had spent over limit on every credit card we owned. He couldn't even support us or few months. I had to snap myself out of mental funk and work day and night to get to a comfortable level. Lately things have been great financially. I am just about to pay off the debt we had racked up while I was without a job and the. I find out he again managed to get credit card from somewhere and is already over limit on that and this other loan of 20k. I am really angry.

I know I have to do something about it. Talking on this forum is probably my first big step as I have now acknowledged that this is a real
problem.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What is it about divorcing him that scares you? 

You do not even need to leave him with a divorce. Just sever the legal ties so that he cannot harm you financially.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

I don't think I can file bankruptcy. I started my own business and I am doing pretty well. Plus we have a big house - multi million dollar. I have paid out almost 70% of the house. I can't file bankruptcy without losing everything. Did anyone advise you on how you can legally separate without filing bankruptcy?


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

turnera said:


> I'm in the same boat and every single professional I've talked to has told me to file bankruptcy, with or without him, and never let him touch my money again.
> 
> This isn't really a money issue. I'm sure you're aware of that, right?
> 
> ...


You are absolutely right. I know I am the one who needs to find the courage and say 'NO'. That's why all this self loathing.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's all legal stuff. You'd need to spend a bit of money to get it all untangled. But if your business is successful, you won't be able to do bankruptcy.

What this really is all about is your unwillingness to just TAKE the money away from him and say no when he wants more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loser2017 said:


> You are absolutely right. I know I am the one who needs to find the courage and say 'NO'. That's why all this self loathing.


Are you in therapy? It took me several years of therapy to be able to start saying no to my H. It's not something you'll be able to do on your own.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

turnera said:


> Are you in therapy? It took me several years of therapy to be able to start saying no to my H. It's not something you'll be able to do on your own.


No I am not in therapy. But I can try that. I really need to learn to respect myself and say no to him.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> What is it about divorcing him that scares you?
> 
> You do not even need to leave him with a divorce. Just sever the legal ties so that he cannot harm you financially.


I think I am afraid of being lonely. I fear he will leave me.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Loser2017 said:


> I think I am afraid of being lonely. I fear he will leave me.


At this point who cares if he leaves you? You have to do what you have to do to survive. If you don't take drastic and decisive measures RIGHT NOW you are in for a world of hurt that will follow you for years.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loser2017 said:


> I think I am afraid of being lonely. I fear he will leave me.


Why do you think he would leave you? He cannot leave you. You are the only thing keeping him off the street. Seriously.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think he would leave you? He cannot leave you. You are the only thing keeping him off the street. Seriously.


I think he is a wounded lion - too proud to admit he needs help. But I have to do something. Thank you everyone - I was feeling suffocated but talking with all of you has given me direction hope.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loser2017 said:


> I don't think I can file bankruptcy. I started my own business and I am doing pretty well. Plus we have a big house - multi million dollar. I have paid out almost 70% of the house. I can't file bankruptcy without losing everything. Did anyone advise you on how you can legally separate without filing bankruptcy?


You are probably right that you cannot file bankruptcy if you have enough assets and income to pay off the debt.

In bankruptcy, you can keep your house, a car, your business, etc. But it's about whether or not you can actually pay off the debt and still keep your basic needs met.

When you say legally separate, are you talking about a legal separation where you stay married? Or are you talking about a divorce? There is a difference. You can do either and not go bankrupt. But I think that with a legal separation (instead of divorce) you might still be responsible for his debt.

It sounds like your best bet might be divorce. Then if he gets more debt after you are divorced, you have no responsibility for it at all.

You might want to talk to a lawyer about all this so that you can get advice that is accurate for where you live.

Do you live in the USA? Because I could be different in other countries. And of course, even in the USA the laws about divorce, debt, etc in marriage is different in some states.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loser2017 said:


> I think he is a wounded lion - too proud to admit he needs help. But I have to do something. Thank you everyone - I was feeling suffocated but talking with all of you has given me direction hope.


I bet wounded lion. You do better than he does financially and he cannot seem to figure it out. But that is his problem. He has a wonderful resource in you and he refuses to take advantage of your expertise. His pride seems to get in his way. But there is nothing you can do about that. It's up to him to fix himself.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You are probably right that you cannot file bankruptcy if you have enough assets and income to pay off the debt.
> 
> In bankruptcy, you can keep your house, a car, your business, etc. But it's about whether or not you can actually pay off the debt and still keep your basic needs met.
> 
> ...


I am in Canada.

I was thinking along the lines of legal separation. If I divorce him wouldn't I best I'll have to pay alimony? Curious if anyone knows how that works.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I have no idea how it works, either in the US where I live, or in Canada.

But I would think if you do pay him alimony, and continue to have him live with you, he should pay it all back to you in room and board.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loser2017 said:


> I am in Canada.
> 
> I was thinking along the lines of legal separation. If I divorce him wouldn't I best I'll have to pay alimony? Curious if anyone knows how that works.


I don't know much about divorce Canada. You can search google for terms like "Canada divorce" and find info. Here is one link that I found.

Alimony (Spousal Support) - CanadianDivorceLaws.com

I would think that you would have to pay alimony whether you got a legal separation or a divorce. Plus with a legal separation you would still be responsible for his debt... I think. 

You REALLY need to talk to a lawyer to get advice. For one thing you lawyer will know what your local judges are more likely to do in your circumstance.

When you talk to a lawyer, see if there is any way that you can put something in place that prevents your husband from getting into more debt. 

I wonder if you can put something on his credit report, some statement that warns companies to not give him credit.

Or, you could just not pay his bills until his credit is just totally trashed. Then pay the bill. That way he has a horrible credit score and no one will give him loans.

You might also want to visit a financial advisor.

You really do need to get into counseling so that you can learn to stand up for yourself. 

In addition here are some books:

*When I Say No, I Feel Guilty*

*Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life*


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

Thanks for sharing the link - that was quiet useful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loser2017 said:


> I think I am afraid of being lonely. I fear he will leave me.


Therapy will help with that.

BOTH of these statements are signs of codependency and low self esteem.

If you loved yourself enough, you would never have put up with his crap for 1 year, let alone 20.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Loser2017 said:


> He doesn't want to get a job. He wants to do business. Initially it seemed okay - that's what you do as partners. You support each other's dreams.


 No, you support their realistic dreams. I blame your husband more, but you enabling and supporting his behavior made it worse. 



> I was doing really well financiallly and in my career. But then he started making bad decisions - hiring employes when he is not even driving revenue to just pay basic bills. The first time I bailed out of 150k debt on top of all the joint saving he had used up. He said he would fix things - but it just kept getting worst. In fact things started falling apart on other fronts too. He could never do house chores - but as he started failing in his business things got worse. He started becoming more irresponsible than ever. He wouldn't even manage the basic things around the house because it "hurt" his pride. I was stuck working long hours and then coming home to manage everything in the house from running around with kids to their homework to soccer practice to cooking and cleaning and socializing and managing a normal family front. I kept giving excuses on his behalf - he is going through a rough patch. Things will get better. But they did not mainly because his lack of proper judgement. When I tried to help him with business planning (because that's what I do for a living - I build growth strategies for tech organizations - the irony) - he refused. I am a man of my own mind - nobody tells me what to do. I bailed him twice again 75k and 60k.


You see the problem right? You were being a partner and he was not. 



> I know leaving him makes sense. But I am afraid. I pretend everything is okay - I thought it doesn't matter cause I make enough money. Then the Liam's started adding up. We had no savings left. The interest started killing me. I left my cozy job and took up a new job with a big raise. Things didn't work out for me and I got let go in 3 months without any package. I was emotionally shattered. Couldn't get another job partially because of recession but mainly because of my mental state of mind. In less than four months we had spent over limit on every credit card we owned. He couldn't even support us or few months. I had to snap myself out of mental funk and work day and night to get to a comfortable level. Lately things have been great financially. I am just about to pay off the debt we had racked up while I was without a job and the. I find out he again managed to get credit card from somewhere and is already over limit on that and this other loan of 20k.


See and again you did the partner thing while he was being selfish. A good spouse, even one making these ignorant errors, would have said "hold on, you have time in this job, which pays well, don't chase money." Still, he was worried about his pride as a man, highly laughable from what you describe, while only seeing the big dollar signs which would help him and he watched you get a huge bonus instead of being practical.


I going to point out one thing you missed, if his pride was so wounded he wouldn't allow you to use your business acumen or do chores, where was the same "manly pride" when he was living off of you like a CHILD for over a decade?


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No, you support their realistic dreams. I blame your husband more, but you enabling and supporting his behavior made it worse.
> 
> You see the problem right? You were being a partner and he was not.
> 
> ...


The more I am communicating on this forum, the more I am realizing what a fool I have been.

He says he is a man of his own mind and that no one can tell him what to do - yet as you pointed out and what I have been so oblivious to - is that he HAS BEEN DEPENDANT on me for past ten years without a single sense of remorse or responsibility.

I bring responsibility and remorse because if he really felt that he needed to contribute towards the well being of the family he could have done that in so. Any different ways - like just help the kids with their studies or routines - take responsibility for fixing things around the house (I am always the one calling the handyman and the plumber and electrician and negotiating)- GE will never do that on his own. I have to keep reminding or between my crazy busy schedule find the time to make calls and get things fixed. To be honest he can just help me manage the business - since we are both in similar fields and to be honest when it comes to technology he is much better than I am. But he wouldn't help me at all. Someone asked - how is he racking up so much debt - it's because he takes stupid business decision mainly driven by his pride and very restricted viewpoint. For e.g. I have an employee that can do basic programming - but he would refuse to use the employee because before I brought the employee in - my husband use to do all the programming - but he would do it in his own sweet time while the clients are complaining - I ended up hiring someone to do basic programming - but even though the employee is sitting idle at times cause my major focus is on strategy not execution - my husband won't use him. 

We can be such a good team. He is good at the techi execution part - I am good at business strategy. We can team up to deliver kickass solution but no he wouldn't work with me. He would rather pursue his own clients and more often than not screw them up cause his strategy sucks.

I think I am starting to rant now. But when you pointed out he has never really been "his own man" - it suddenly made me seee things from a different perspective about how one-sided this whole situation is. Got to go to work now but seriously need to rethink my own priorities now.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Loser2017 said:


> Help me. I feel like a total loser.


You aren't, but you're sure* married *to one.

What kind of* parasite *lives off his wife when he's perfectly CAPABLE of working but chooses not to? And instead of being productive and supporting the family financially, this worthless loser goes out and racks up debt because he knows YOU'LL pay it off. What a prince. 

I wouldn't give a rat's ass if he can 'survive' out there or not. You act like he's some handicapped child who can't tie his shoes or cut his own meat and will be shred to pieces by the wolves out there. There's a huge difference between truly being unable to care for yourself due to physical and/or mental limitations, and just being plain *lazy* and an opportunist who thinks it's ok to live off other people while doing NOTHING. You'd be amazed at what a shiftless, lazy ass person can* do* when they can no longer suck the life blood out of someone else.



> He could never do house chores - but as he started failing in his business things got worse. He started becoming more irresponsible than ever. He wouldn't even manage the basic things around the house because it "hurt" his pride. I was stuck working long hours and then coming home to manage everything in the house from running around with kids to their homework to soccer practice to cooking and cleaning and socializing and managing a normal family front.


And JUST when I thought this guy couldn't sink any lower, he does.



> I know I have to do something about it.


You should have done something about him a LONG, LONG time ago. He brings nothing - and I mean absolutely *NOTHING* - to the table. I simply can't understand your statement about being 'afraid' of getting rid of this dead weight. Afraid of WHAT? Exactly WHAT do you stand to lose? Absolutely nothing - except the lazy ass will insist on alimony since he has no pride at all and will continue milking his cash cow til he gets the very last penny out of you. What a disgrace he is.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Loser2017 said:


> I think I am afraid of being lonely. I fear he will leave me.


No worries there.

I highly doubt there are women out there who are just WAITING for the opportunity to support a grown ass man who thinks it's his birthright to let *other* people support him because he's too damned good to get out there and work like the rest of us.

He knows that too. Why leave when he's got someone foolish enough to bankroll him for the last 11 years? He's staying right where he is.

He needs an all expenses paid trip to the curb, courtesy of your right foot.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Loser2017 said:


> He says he is a man of his own mind and that no one can tell him what to do - yet as you pointed out and what I have been so oblivious to - is that he HAS BEEN DEPENDANT on me for past ten years without a single sense of remorse or responsibility.


See, I don't see it as him being dependent. I see it as him being a USER. He attached himself to a woman wiling to be a GIVER. He probably isn't even aware of the higher dynamics of this.

It's possible he is a good guy with bad decision making who just can't look at himself so he blusters to get you to go along. Sometimes they can't just allow themselves to accept it. My H sat on our last house after we moved for FOUR years before selling it (!) while we paid mortgage, taxes, utilities and insurance for both the whole time. It's why we are now $200,000 in debt; it was the start of our financial spiral. But you will NEVER get him to admit that - it would be too painful.

Either way, YOU are screwed unless you change something because HE won't.

ETA: Ok, after reading your last post, I take back the benefit of the doubt. He just looked for a woman he could use. He probably doesn't respect his mom, either, cos women are to be taken for granted and taken advantage of.

What were your parents like? We usually subconsciously seek out our most harmful parent, in the hopes that THIS person will 'get it right' and make us feel better. Like my dad was short with me, impatient, and expected women to do it all AND be June Cleaver. Guess who I married? There's a great book on this called Getting The Love You Want, by Hendrix, if you'd care to learn more.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is another book for you. It's about codependency and how you can stop it.

What's codendency? It's when you put the needs of someone else ahead of your own needs to the point of it harming you. 

Codependency is a fairly normal reaction to a bad situation. Think of it like this, there is hole in the dam. So you put your finger in the hole to stop the water from running out. Now there you are stuck, with your finger in the hole and you cannot do anything... you cannot take care of yourself, cannot sleep, eat, etc. Why? Because if you do the water will gush trough, break the dam etc. Or at least you think this is what will happen. So you stay there, scared with your finger in the dam... for years.

This book tells you how to disengage and stop taking responsibility for your husband's actions. 


*Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself * by Melody Beattie


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Loser2017 said:


> The more I am communicating on this forum, the more I am realizing what a fool I have been.
> 
> He says he is a man of his own mind and that no one can tell him what to do - yet as you pointed out and what I have been so oblivious to - is that he HAS BEEN DEPENDANT on me for past ten years without a single sense of remorse or responsibility.
> 
> ...


Okay and what do businesses do when things like this happen? They dissolve, sometimes filing bankruptcy, then the parties go their separate ways. Yes, I understand this is different because it is a marriage, but your eyes are open. If he's been this selfish for a decade, can you really expect him to change? Honestly, people get fired, lose jobs, quit, get laid off and on and on and on. Even a mediocre spouse picks up their weight in other areas when they aren't capable of supporting their family. 

So, if this what a mediocre husband does, what does that say about your husband?

Also, while T is right, he is dependent on your money to be this selfish user. So, you are right in describing him as dependent.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Loser2017 said:


> I am in an exactly similar situation.
> 
> Married for 17 years - he lost his job 11 years ago. I have been sole bread winner. He keeps trying different "business". Initially it did not matter because I had a very good paying job and solid financial backup. But over the years it slowly started eroding. He would rack up the debt - I would fight, cry and eventually pay it off because it didn't make sense to pay "interest".
> 
> ...


Debt counselling is an option. Here are some Canadian specific links
The cost of non-profit credit counsellors - MoneySense
Canadian Debt Help Services & Debt Counselling - Credit Counselling | Credit Counselling Society
https://www.ic.gc.ca/eic/site/oca-bc.nsf/eng/ca02193.html

Please check them out. Hopefully they'll be of some use to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

No offense, but if you have a million-dollar home, odds are good there are some things you can sell to bring down your debt. 

And if you tried to go to someone to help you get out of debt, that's the first thing they'll require of you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You don't need therapy you need to cut this millstone from around your neck.

My god lady a blind woman could see this!!!!!

He's playing through life at your expense. No real man would go that long without contributing something for the families welfare.

Tell him to go over to SI for help. They're better at helping men find their vaginas than we are.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> He's playing through life at your expense. No real man would go that long without contributing something for the families welfare.


Agreed. All this would be a different story if he actually took care of your home and family while you work... and didnt take out these ridiculous loans. He is not a partner to you, please dont be afraid of losing him. That would actually be the best thing to happen to. You are already on your own, cutting him loose would mean so much stress being lifted off your shoulders, because clearly you can take care of yourself.


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> It's all legal stuff. You'd need to spend a bit of money to get it all untangled. But if your business is successful, you won't be able to do bankruptcy.
> 
> What this really is all about is your unwillingness to just TAKE the money away from him and say no when he wants more.


Is your business incorporated? That may protect it. Is your H kept separate from your business or did you name him as a corporate officer?

Speak with bankruptcy attorney who handle more than the simple Chapters 7 and 13. Speak with attorneys who deal with these sort of cases. Your H may be assigned the debt in the split and then he can file for bankruptcy. But you need to speak with attorneys who specialize in these type of cases.

IamSomebody


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## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You are probably right that you cannot file bankruptcy if you have enough assets and income to pay off the debt.
> 
> In bankruptcy, you can keep your house, a car, your business, etc. But it's about whether or not you can actually pay off the debt and still keep your basic needs met.
> 
> ...


Bankruptcy is a federal issue, heard in federal court, so it doesn't vary state to state.

Also, there are several types of bankruptcy and not all simply discharge the debt. Some arrange for repayment.

This is why you need to speak with an attorney.

IamSomebody

ETA: I posted before I read you were in Canada. Everything besides the bankruptcy still applies.


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## Loser2017 (May 27, 2017)

turnera said:


> No offense, but if you have a million-dollar home, odds are good there are some things you can sell to bring down your debt.
> 
> And if you tried to go to someone to help you get out of debt, that's the first thing they'll require of you.


I don't need to file bankruptcy to pay off my debt. My problem is not that. I need to file bankruptcy to make sure he doesn't keep racking up more debt. 

My problem is more around what do I do to protect my and my kids future.

Thanks for all the strong recommendations and suggestions. It really did help me put things in proper perspective.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Loser2017 said:


> I don't need to file bankruptcy to pay off my debt. My problem is not that. I need to file bankruptcy to make sure he doesn't keep racking up more debt.
> 
> My problem is more around what do I do to protect my and my kids future.
> 
> Thanks for all the strong recommendations and suggestions. It really did help me put things in proper perspective.


You need to get moving. This won't get better or end well either way. Rip the bandaid off and him with it.

Prepare yourself for his crying, begging and pleading. He'll never change. If you're smart you'll ignore that and forge ahead. Never let other people's problems become yours.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Loser2017 said:


> I don't need to file bankruptcy to pay off my debt. My problem is not that. I need to file bankruptcy to make sure he doesn't keep racking up more debt.
> 
> My problem is more around what do I do to protect my and my kids future.
> 
> Thanks for all the strong recommendations and suggestions. It really did help me put things in proper perspective.


If you stay married and file for bankruptcy, it will not help you because he could go out and get loans again fairly quickly after bankruptcy.

This is why I suggest that you getting divorced is important. It is the only way to protect yourself and your children financially from your husband.

And of course please speak to attorneys about all this.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sounds like your H has some sort of debt addiction

1. sit him down and be firm, tell him he needs to go to counselling for this, there are bound to be orgainsations in Canada dealing with this

2. Tell him you have had enough of his leeching, lay out clearly all the things you do - make a list and all the things he does - make a list. Make a spreadsheet of all the money squandered because of his bad decisions and show it to him.He should be your employee in the business. Give him a fixed salary, he will still have to pull his weight with bills etc. If he doesn't work etc kick him out. NO more chances

3. Say you are not carrying him anymore, he needs to man up and be the leader of his family.
4. Give him one more chance but if he messes it up and doesn't get the help he needs you want a divorce
5. This man has leeched off you for years, and you have enabled him. Forget love, etc. He is like an addict.
He is capable of putting you all into major debt and leaving his kids without a roof over their heads.

Time to pull up your big girl panties and say 'enough is enough' either he shapes up or ships out.

You need help with co-dependence also, because you are not standing up to him and think you cannot survive without him. You can!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why do we women have such a hard time appearing strong and full of self worth when it comes to dealing with men? They sure have no problem telling US what to do.

Honestly, Loser, there is really only one problem here, and it's not your husband. It's your inability to say no to him.

IIWY, I would go to the bank and instruct them that he can no longer withdraw more than $200 at a time without your signature. If the accounts are set up that you can't do that, stop putting your money in those accounts; set up new ones that DO have that stipulation. What's he gonna do, stamp his feet?

Go to all credit cards and remove his access to them. If you can't, then cancel the credit card. He'll have no choice but to try to open his own cards, which either won't work or they'll have only his name on them. You may, however - if he refuses to stop spending - have to go to your lawyer and legally divest yourself of your husband so that creditors will not be able to try to get the money from YOU. 

You can do this.


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## HolyPepa (Dec 23, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> If you stay married and file for bankruptcy, it will not help you because he could go out and get loans again fairly quickly after bankruptcy.
> 
> This is why I suggest that you getting divorced is important. It is the only way to protect yourself and your children financially from your husband.
> 
> And of course please speak to attorneys about all this.


I think you are right


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## a_new_me (Dec 27, 2012)

I live in Canada.

My ex was responsible for all debts. Aside from the house. That was joint.

He went into a debt consolidation. Didn’t tell me a thing. I got sued by the banks. They wanted their money and I was a sitting duck. Everything that be had previously used our house as “collateral” without my written approval turned into liens on my house and they took it all away. He stopped paying child support and I was forced to move out of my home while I battled him in court. It got sold and I managed to get a bit to buy new beds for my kids. 

I lost my house. I had 5 more years on my mortgage and he took that from me and ruined my credit. 

Be smart.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Loser2017 has not posted in years but I hope she made the right decision. She should have made him sign a prenup then divorce him to protect her assets.


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