# How do you deal with a workaholic?



## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

My husband has traveled for work for the past fifteen years. I'm a very self-sufficient, independent person so this was not a huge problem. For the past year or two he has really been working too much, traveling Mon-Thursday, and working another 25-30 hours from home. He used to go in cycles of working this much but it has been pretty constant for the past two years. I worry about his health, he's disappointed the kids several times, and I'm getting lonely. 

Honestly we don't need anymore money, he could fairly easily get a different job if he wanted to, or he could just tell work he has limits. He likes his work and gets a big ego boost from being so good at it. I get that, but I wish he would change his priorities. How do you get somebody to be less ambitious? I don't want to seem whiny or nagging.

I don't know if anybody has good advice, maybe I'm just blue today....


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Friend, I could write a book. My Dh is in the medical field and works about 65 hrs a week. I HATE it, but I love him. He loves what he does. I have had to find activities to fill my time.. I stay at home with our youngest 3 children. I will be honest it has had a bad effect on our relationship..about 2 yrs ago I almost had an affair.......we have pulled through and communicate a lot more now....he has pulled back a little. I absolutely adore him....he is my one and only...I cant' wait for retirement!!


Feel free to PM me if you want to vent!!


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I have the opposite problem, my husband has no ambition. I wish a small part of your husband would rub off on mine. 

I honestly don't know what to tell you but to sit down with him and have a heart to heart with him and tell him how you feel.

I would take my own advice but my husband never listens.


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## ak41 (Sep 12, 2012)

That is a great question, I don't know how to deal with it either my husband gets worse by the day and I am really in a terrible spot and no one understands what I'm going through. 

I love him so much but I don't know how much longer I can do this.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I really only have the same advice as the others, Giro: an ongoing heart to heart about your feelings. I would just share with him transparently, and keep doing it. Wear him down with your genuine feelings, as you feel them.

My dh is gone a lot, too, but a few weeks ago he took a week off and we went to CA for a few days, just the two of us. It was very nice. Restorative. It is so important for a couple to have some time alone together.

Thebes, I am sorry about your husband. That must be so frustrating. You must have the patience of a saint.

I wonder why husbands think they can take wives for granted. People say that we let them, but I think husbands can be pretty stubborn. And if you are basically a kind, loving, cooperative wife, you can feel like you are getting the short end of the stick . . . repeatedly.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

You ask them to stop being one, or if quality time with family is important to you and he is not willing to change....you leave.

I think you should communicate clearly with your husband and tell him how important it is not just for you but also for the kids.Your children NEED him there A LOT and so do you.

I don't understand workaholics AT ALL. Why in the world would one want to be at work vs family/loved ones is beyond me. I do 8-4 ON THE DOT, 4:10 I'm home and each and every day I'm there for my wife and children. TO ME, this is PRICELESS time and I value it a LOT.

Mind you, I can TOTALLY relate to not going home at times (it's not easy, but each time I just brush the devil of my shoulder and do what I have to do). In the end, it's rewarding and I love it. My kids need both of their parents on regular basis. Also it's a great back up plan. Let's face it, raising kids/household is the hardest job in the world (when done properly of course). For one person to do this is simply WAY too overwhelming and takes a toll on you.

He needs to help you out! Pronto!!!

Give me millions of dollars a year for my time with the family.....heck make it BILLION and I will refuse each and every time. To me, my time with them is PRICELESS. But at the same time, money means very little to me. The best of things in life are FREE. Materialistic crap is not only harmful but toxic. People spend their LIFE working to obtain them, then when you get them, those items take up MORE of your time away from loved ones.


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

I married a workaholic right off the bat. We never lived together before marriage but I did most of the traveling to see him on the weekends. He held 2 jobs. He was married before and it ended only after 2 1/2 yrs. And his workaholic lifestyle started with having the ex refusing to work. They had no kids.

His workaholic style stayed with him when we were married 4 1/2 yrs ago. We live about an hour and 15 minutes from his FT job. He has been there for 15 years and does not plan on leaving anytime soon. So he gets up at 4:30am to get there by 7am and works till 6pm. Then on his way home 4 days a week he would work his night job 7-11pm, get to bed by midnight and get 4 1/2 hrs sleep and do it over again. I told him several times to quit his 2nd job or it will kill him! Working those hours, I am glad that we also do not have any kids!

Guess what? He never listened to me. It took him falling asleep at the wheel 3 times totalling 3 brand new cars within 2 1/2 years. Not only is he lucky to be alive, he is lucky he is not in jail for involuntary manslaughter! They were all one-vehicle accidents. Now on our 4th brand new car, he finally quit.

Yes, he put me through hell. Insurance claims, hospital bills, all the red tape, etc. was exhausting. I hate to say this but after all that, I have become sorta numb over the whole thing. If he was ever in another accident, I would probably think nothing of it. Just like not being surprised that your alcoholic DH comes in every friday night at 2am and barely makes it through the fornt door.

I hope having a talk with him works. If not, I guess he will have to find out for himself the repercussions. Good luck!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

STORMCHASER said:


> I married a workaholic right off the bat. We never lived together before marriage but I did most of the traveling to see him on the weekends. He held 2 jobs. He was married before and it ended only after 2 1/2 yrs. And his workaholic lifestyle started with having the ex refusing to work. They had no kids.
> 
> His workaholic style stayed with him when we were married 4 1/2 yrs ago. We live about an hour and 15 minutes from his FT job. He has been there for 15 years and does not plan on leaving anytime soon. So he gets up at 4:30am to get there by 7am and works till 6pm. Then on his way home 4 days a week he would work his night job 7-11pm, get to bed by midnight and get 4 1/2 hrs sleep and do it over again. I told him several times to quit his 2nd job or it will kill him! Working those hours, I am glad that we also do not have any kids!
> 
> ...


I'm sorry to hear, that is rather extreme IMO.

This is no different than a heavy drug addiction and should be dealt with like one as well.

I could never accept a person that devotes their life to a "job"/company like that. I'm sure business sector LOVES him.

After all, job seems more important than his loved one, his own health and well being. Where is his family in all this?

Your post is extremely disturbing and is thread worthy.....


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

I have always noticed with workaholics is they don’t see it as a problem. In fact, they can’t figure out why everyone else doesn’t immerse themselves in their job/career like they do.


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

OP, sorry you are feeling like this it is tough i know. Do you know for sure that he could tell his work to limit his time and it would be ok? Just asking as i travel and work a lot of hours and feel bad that i am gone from my wife and her daughter a lot. But on the other hand in this economy people are being made to do more with less help. I know for me if i told my boss sorry i am leaving at 4 and going home cause i want to i would be out of a job on the next downsizing. 

Not everyone that works a lot does it cause they want to but because it is asked of them etc...one thing your H should be doing is expressing that he understands your concern and pain and try to to be as present as he can when he is home. Good luck.


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

@Eagle. I'm not positive how much my husband can push back against his employer. I do know that he goes through cycles of this. He'll stay at 50-60 hours for several months then it will start creeping up. He swears right now that he's hiring more people, I'm trying to ride it out. 

Ironically his strong work ethic was one of the things I really admired about him when we first met, I used to be his superior. Now I'm a sahm and the pressure is on him to keep our family afloat. I was the breadwinner back when we had our first child so I understand that responsibility. 

We really do have plenty of money, I'm great at budgeting. Of course if he lost his job I'm not positive he would find a job with the same salary and benefits, I tend to think very highly of his skills so maybe I'm biased. 

I would never divorce over this. If we divorced then I would never see him, how would that help? Life can be hard, I'm trying to be a trooper and not whine and nag. Just venting here without making him feel guilty helps. I don't like complaining to family and friends because then they have a negative feeling about him, that makes me feel disloyal.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro, what do you think about what Eagle said about how your dh should be present when he is home, and that he should express that he understands your concerns? Does he do this already?


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## Giro flee (Mar 12, 2013)

@jld, When he keeps below 60 hours he is present when he's home. It's when he starts working all weekend, and late into the evening that I get frustrated. We have talked about it, he's aware of the problem, and I think this cycle will wind down in the next month or so.

He's such a great man I really don't want to seem ungrateful or whiny. Just looking for advice from those in the same situation, other than "just divorce him". Maybe others have better coping skills than I do. When he works so much I have the tendency to pull back as well, probably not the best reaction.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

My husband works in a hospital. His work in influenced by sick seasons, such as flu. When the patient bed count is lower his hours are reduced...He works with oxygen and vents.....even in shorter seasons, trauma's and cardiac units might be high.....which keeps his hours up.

Despite him being gone so much, I adore him and am very grateful for all he does.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Not excusing his behavior, but are you sure his job requires him working long hours? Most of the professionals I know have to work more than 40 hours a week. In fact, it seems many workplaces look down on people who work 40 hours a week. Wish it wasn't like that, but it seems to be more and more like that, esp in Corporate America.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I wonder why husbands think they can take wives for granted. People say that we let them, but I think husbands can be pretty stubborn. And if you are basically a kind, loving, cooperative wife, you can feel like you are getting the short end of the stick . . . repeatedly.


In some cases the man would rather be at work that home dealing with a never happy wife. 

My wife has been on me all winter to get a full time job get out of the house and earn more. We don't need it but she wants more of her money for her and me to carry more than my present half of the bills. 

Fair enough. I just landed a job that will be bringing in about 8 - 10 time my monthly average pay I have now and about 2 - 3 times hers. 

Now she is upset that I will be gone for two weeks on and home for one week. She does not want to pick up my home workload which is funny being for as long as I can remember she has claimed I don't do a damn thing at home any way. 

Oh well I'm going to work anyway because it would almost be impossible to be more confusing and more stressful. Even if it is at least I will be getting payed to deal with it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Giro flee said:


> @jld, When he keeps below 60 hours he is present when he's home. It's when he starts working all weekend, and late into the evening that I get frustrated. We have talked about it, he's aware of the problem, and I think this cycle will wind down in the next month or so.
> 
> He's such a great man I really don't want to seem ungrateful or whiny. Just looking for advice from those in the same situation, other than "just divorce him". Maybe others have better coping skills than I do. When he works so much I have the tendency to pull back as well, probably not the best reaction.


My dh is only home on weekends, unless he works from home on a Fri or Mon. Talking is really important to me, so we facetime or talk on the phone a few times a day. He reads here, too, so he connects with me that way.

He is also available to me. Even if he cannot talk to me immediately, I know we will connect as soon as he can.

He never gives me the feeling I am too much for him. I certainly don't get everything I want, but he is trying to meet my needs. Dh is not very emotional, and doesn't really understand why I need words of affirmation or physical touch outside of sex. But he is still trying to meet those needs.

I think it really helps if you just occupy yourself as much as possible. And know that your dh is aware of your concerns, and does seem to plan to cut back on work hours. That has to give you hope.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Not excusing his behavior, but are you sure his job requires him working long hours? Most of the professionals I know have to work more than 40 hours a week. In fact, it seems many workplaces look down on people who work 40 hours a week. Wish it wasn't like that, but it seems to be more and more like that, esp in Corporate America.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His department is always short staffed. Ladies get pregnant, the new obama care health plan has halted all hiring and raises....one therapist gets pulled from ER to EKG's to LD to OR to NI/PI to Cardiac to the sleep lab....He is a Respiratory Therapy Department Administrator..basically anything to do with oxygen and the lungs he and his employees and the pulmonary department are in charge of.

Being on staff at a large hospital is a whole different ball game.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> Not excusing his behavior, but are you sure his job requires him working long hours? Most of the professionals I know have to work more than 40 hours a week. In fact, it seems many workplaces look down on people who work 40 hours a week. Wish it wasn't like that, but it seems to be more and more like that, esp in Corporate America.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


40 hours a week is barbaric. I seem to be doing fine with 35. The key is to have a skill set so obscure nobody else has it, and to never EVER get into management.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

john117 said:


> 40 hours a week is barbaric. I seem to be doing fine with 35. The key is to have a skill set so obscure nobody else has it, and to never EVER get into management.


My husband is very, very intelligent and respected in medicine. He has massaged a human heart in ER to performing CPR on an 18 week gestational premie...my husband loves giving his patients hope...he has a great gift. If it takes him away from his family "over 40 hrs" so be it. I support him 100%. My husband also provides very well for his wife and children.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

See, that's the thing.

All I have to show for my 30 years of work is lots of well designed and exquisitely modeled and analyzed and clinic'd toaster ovens. Nice gig if you can get it and the pay is good. But nobody appreciates good design these days...

Had I gone to behavioral or clinical psych instead I'd be listening to y'all and your problems  

I'll stick to toaster ovens... Some people have the calling or more important things.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think I get what you just did....:rofl::rofl::rofl:

your funny.....:rofl:


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

married tech said:


> In some cases the man would rather be at work that home dealing with a never happy wife.
> 
> My wife has been on me all winter to get a full time job get out of the house and earn more. We don't need it but she wants more of her money for her and me to carry more than my present half of the bills.
> 
> ...


LMAO, congrats!!!!

Looks like tables have turned hehe


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> 40 hours a week is barbaric. I seem to be doing fine with 35. The key is to have a skill set so obscure nobody else has it, and to never EVER get into management.


Lol, john. You have it all figured out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was married to one of these. It sucks. You just have to make time to go on dates and plan quality time together.

I used to say my ex's job was his wife and I was the mistress. LOL.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> I was married to one of these. It sucks. You just have to make time to go on dates and plan quality time together.
> 
> *I used to say my ex's job was his wife and I was the mistress. *LOL.


Lol, indeed. I don't know if dh is quite that bad, but I can at least somewhat relate.

But the money sure is nice . . .


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> LMAO, congrats!!!!
> 
> Looks like tables have turned hehe


Kinda thinking I will use my first few paychecks to pay off all of her debts and make damn sure she understands who did what and why so when she *****es about stupid stuff of who should do what around home I can tell her to STFU and stuff it! !


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

married tech said:


> Kinda thinking I will use my first few paychecks to pay off all of her debts and make damn sure she understands who did what and why so when she *****es about stupid stuff of who should do what around home I can tell her to STFU and stuff it! !


You sound so angry, married tech, and so overpowered by your wife. Does she really have that kind of control over you? Really?

Have you considered reading The Way of the Superior Man? It is a great book. Shows men how to get in touch with themselves, and therefore being a stronger man for their woman.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Not really angry to any degree. Just tired. Tired of it being that no matter what I do it's always met with disappointment. 

I don't deal well with selfish demanding people who continually change what they want. It wears on my personality.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It's a Central Asian wife thing. You wouldn't understand jld 

Cue in prediction that in 6 months she'll want a Taj Mahal...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

married tech said:


> Not really angry to any degree. Just tired. Tired of it being that no matter what I do it's always met with disappointment.
> 
> I don't deal well with selfish demanding people who continually change what they want. It wears on my personality.


Have you tried active listening? Just repeating back to her what she says, and trying to listen for underlying issues? She may reveal more of what is in her heart that way.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

married tech said:


> Not really angry to any degree. Just tired. Tired of it being that no matter what I do it's always met with disappointment.
> 
> I don't deal well with selfish demanding people who continually change what they want. It wears on my personality.


I know that feeling. You don't have to deal with that though (personally I wouldn't put up with it too long....)

Good luck


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> It's a Central Asian wife thing. You wouldn't understand jld
> 
> Cue in prediction that in 6 months she'll want a Taj Mahal...


Okay, I am not saying there is no place for setting limits in a relationship. The amount of money available is definitely a limit.

But I think it is helpful to try to work with her, to try to listen to what she is saying, first.

Why did you guys marry women from cultures so different from your own? Did you not have a clue there would be some extreme cultural differences? Did you think they were going to just obey you? And then they found out living here that they did not have to? Help me understand, please.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Why did you guys marry women from cultures so different from your own? Did you not have a clue there would be some extreme cultural differences? Did you think they were going to just obey you? And then they found out living here that they did not have to? Help me understand, please.


You will have to read all of my other threads to get the best picture but the short version is when we met and up to when we got married plus the first year or more we were very well in tune with each other and everything worked well. :smthumbup:

It's just in the last year and a half or so she has changed from an outgoing, optimistic, energetic person to a shallow demanding highly controlling yet very unorganized person where everything is a disappointment of one form or another. 

As of lately no matter what I do it's either wrong done differently than how she envisioned it or done late and an overall disappointment in her eyes. 

I am starting this high paying job now that caters very well to my natural skills and work methods and she is still not so thrilled about it. As far as I am concerned I will be basically doing what I love as a hobby and sideline profession as a full time career with a near 6 digit starting pay scale.

She figures something will happen and either I will loose my job or be forced to quit so why should I have bothered to have gotten it anyway despite that is all she has been on my butt about for so long I can barely remember.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Some people can never be satisfied.

My father used to tell me "women can't live without a problem, if there isn't one, they create it".

Over the years I've learned that above applies to man as well. At times more so to men then women...but in general it's simply a human trait (unfortunately).

Personally, I would not want to be married or live with such person. I'm completely happy with having no problems but I understand that they are part of life and come about at times.

But to create them myself? Ohh hell now...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> Why did you guys marry women from cultures so different from your own? Did you not have a clue there would be some extreme cultural differences? Did you think they were going to just obey you? And then they found out living here that they did not have to? Help me understand, please.



Nobody is looking for obedience - what I did not expect was how much resentment builds up in people because of perceived slights by family or culture. I mean, you expect some in people fresh off the boat (FOB) but after 35 years?

In my case I fell for the intellectual. Unfortunately post rapture her brain has turned into a turnip so... Not in a bad way but in a savant way.

I'm sure it's not going to end well with her. And the way she's acting lately it may even end sooner than she thinks. But I've done all I can, the rest is up to Allah in her case.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

sorry to hear that John117


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I'm not


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

DoF said:


> Some people can never be satisfied.
> 
> My father used to tell me "women can't live without a problem, if there isn't one, they create it".
> 
> ...


It was Pascal who said all human problems flowed from our inability to sit quietly in a room on our own. Nothing changes?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thanks for your responses, john and married tech.

Married tech, have you tried active listening? Repeating back to her what she says, and then seeing if she will go deeper and share more of her heart with you? 

If she feels listened to (the repeating back to her, if done sincerely, should make her feel really listened to), she is likely to share more of her feelings with you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Their problem is usually NOT LISTENING period, not NOT LISTENING TO US.

I tried the technique yesterday while explaining community property. In one ear and out the other


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Same thing here. Selective hearing and interpretation of what was said. 

Right now we should be the at the most happy and content point in our lives. Family is great, jobs are excellent, all major bills are paid and our new house is sitting half a mile away waiting for a basement to sit on. 

I just got back from a major top to bottom physical and am in above average health for my age plus my hearing checks out as being good for someone half my age or exceptional for my age and working life experiences which would indicate I should be deaf as a rock by now!!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Guys, active listening in this context is _your _listening to _them._


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I am. But what's the reaction when she makes no sense?

J2: in the event of a divorce you just get half the house, and that's it. Everything else including my 401k is mine.

J: that's not how community property works

J2: it is. It is my money blah blah. 

J: look at your cousin who lost everything 

J2: he was in a different state (confuses alimony and community property)

: : : : :


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John, your wife may be a special case. But I do think active listening usually can work wonders. 

And that is not to say that every marriage is going to last, or that there can't be some limits, too. But I really like to see men really seek to understand before they go to limit-setting or divorce.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

In my field, 45-50 hrs a week is kind of the minimum. You can get by fine with that for years if you do good work, provided you're available to work more at crunch times. Eventually if you want to make it to the next level though you have to work more. And there's travel. I make decent money, yet where I live it's very expensive to have a family, so we basically just have enough (with my wife making 60% of what I make) to pay the mortgage and upkeep on an apartment in an outer neighborhood. Even an annual vacation is kind of a question mark. So I kind of feel like I have to eventually make it to the next level or else we have to live somewhere else. I guess what I'm saying is there's a fine line between a workoholic and a person who does what they need to do to succeed.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

My niece came over for supper last night and we were talking at the dinner table. I said something and immediately my wife jumped all over me due to her over the top misinterpretation of what I said. 

Fortunately my 12 year old niece jumped in and clarified it to her for me. 

Auntie!? That is not what Uncle said and thats not what he means. How could you not get that? It's like 2nd grade obvious. 
Then went on to explain in detail what I did say and what it means in the context of our conversation! 

Niece 1! Wife 0.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

married tech, do you feel that overpowered by your wife that you get excited when your niece scores a point and your wife does not? Do you just feel powerless over the woman by your side?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Overjoyed


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

John!


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

I very much was a workaholic and one time. I can easily fall into those tendencies if I am not careful. 

What did it for me is when my wife told me she felt like a single mom. I thought I was doing everything right by providing a living that allowed her to do just about anything she wanted.... new clothes - get it, new car - get it, go fly to see family - go, put kid in dance program - go do it. But, while she liked these things, she wanted more time.

It took me a while, but I was able to dial my customers back to get a happy medium.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> married tech, do you feel that overpowered by your wife that you get excited when your niece scores a point and your wife does not? Do you just feel powerless over the woman by your side?


To be honest I don't measure it as much in any way. Mostly it's just an general annoyance over how she can continually read way too much onto a simple comment than what was ever there. 

That said, yes hearing my niece say something to the effect that what I said would have been obvious to a 2nd grader did help put a bit of frosting on the cheerios though!


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