# Cigarettes deal killer for me and she has been sneaking them for years?



## Alrighty then

My wife smoked before we met. I did not know this. 

My grandfather died of lung cancer and other close friends having suffered from health problems related to cigarettes, not to mention the very well known and obvious health risks, I am very anti-smoking. 

I told my wife this before we DATED and told her I did not want to be involved with someone that smoked because I hate them, find them very upsetting and disgusting and stupid. 

I have caught her sneaking them about a dozen times and threw a fit as she promised not to touch them again. And then she does it again. 

At this point, I have given up the idea that she will refrain from them for my sake as she did for the first five years of our marriage. She starting smoking again when the strains of difficult marriage first stared about ten years ago. Every time we hit another rough patch she goes back to them and perhaps has been using them the whole time and gets more careless when we are struggling with something.

For me it's a double whammy because of the lying and the health hazards hurting herself for the long haul.

The excuses and defense and rationalization is truly disgusting. If I didn't love her I would drop her for putting me thru very hurtful emotions worrying about what she is doing to herself


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## Married but Happy

All you've done is get angry. There have been no real consequences, so your credibility on this issue has decreased over the years. Now, you can either just try to manage the situation, or leave. Apparently she won't stop, and you won't leave. Stalemate.


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## EleGirl

How many cigarettes does she smoke a day?

Where is she smoking?


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## Alrighty then

I am dumb enough to believe she only smokes when stressed so I believe she smokes a few cigarettes a day for a few days until the pack is gone. I believe she smokes when running errands and lunch hours and such when I am not around. She is smart ad sneaky and there is opportunity so it cant be stopped except by her own desire and integrity. Knowing that, I have tried very hard to accept it but it has effected my level of caring for her, the respect I have and of course the trust issues. She does not care how much it hurts me that she does it knowing how it effects me. She says it's my problem. My reaction effects the way I feel about her. It sorts of chips away at the intensity of love I had for her.


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## EleGirl

Alrighty then said:


> I am dumb enough to believe she only smokes when stressed so I believe she smokes a few cigarettes a day for a few days until the pack is gone. I believe she smokes when running errands and lunch hours and such when I am not around. She is smart ad sneaky and there is opportunity so it cant be stopped except by her own desire and integrity. Knowing that, I have tried very hard to accept it but it has effected my level of caring for her, the respect I have and of course the trust issues. She does not care how much it hurts me that she does it knowing how it effects me. She says it's my problem. My reaction effects the way I feel about her. It sorts of chips away at the intensity of love I had for her.


My guess is that she does not smoke much at all. Why? Because if she did, you would smell it on her clothing, mouth and skin.

She probably promised you that she would stop with good intent but cannot do it because they are filling a need for him.

I know that some people have switched to ecigs and then used them to stop smoking over time. Every person I know who has switched to ecigs has had significant health improvements.. they have lost the cough, are able to breath a lot better, can taste food and have a much better sense of smell. And their health checkups come back much improved. They are also significantly cheaper than cigarettes. 

One woman I know has stopped smoking and uses the nicotine gum when she feels she needs whatever it is that nicotine does for her. It helps her not go back to cigarettes. 

Perhaps instead of coming at her with anger, you could try to help her. My suggestion is that you get her a good ecig. Get liquid that is made in the USA or the UK. The liquid comes in different strengths and flavors. So she slowly cut down on the liquid. There is most likely a place smoke shop near where you live.

The idea of this is many fold

1. Bring it out in the open more than it is. Remover what she perceives as her need to hide her addiction.

2. It’s a lot easier to solve a problem if it’s out in the open.

3. It turns you into her supporter for quitting instead of the person who she wants to please but keeps failing.


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## Dogbert

Alrighty then said:


> She says it's my problem


Yes but your problem is not that she is a smoker who has lied to you about not being one, but that your non-negotiable boundaries are simply a joke. She knows this and is confident she can treat you like crap and you will take it. You need counseling.


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## Alrighty then

EleGirl said:


> My guess is that she does not smoke much at all. Why? Because if she did, you would smell it on her clothing, mouth and skin.
> 
> She probably promised you that she would stop with good intent but cannot do it because they are filling a need for (her).
> 
> One woman I know has stopped smoking and uses the nicotine gum when she feels she needs whatever it is that nicotine does for her.


I believe it is very little (maybe wrong) and she says she quit for me when I told her how I felt. She tells me I knew she smoked when we met but I know that's not true because I would not agreed to date her or continued to. I have seen the gum in her purse also when she asked me to do something with the car and needed to get her keys etc. She does not hide the gum and I have never mentioned it.


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## Alrighty then

Married but Happy said:


> All you've done is get angry. There have been no real consequences, so your credibility on this issue has decreased over the years. Now, you can either just try to manage the situation, or leave. Apparently she won't stop, and you won't leave. Stalemate.


Agreed



Dogbert said:


> Yes but your problem is not that she is a smoker who has lied to you about not being one, but that your non-negotiable boundaries are simply a joke. She knows this and is confident she can treat you like crap and you will take it. You need counseling.


Hahaha. Wow. Now that's compassion for suffering if I ever saw any. :rofl: Not quite Dog but I can see with the limited information here after 12 cups of coffee and slamming your hand in a door or something that you could come to that rather harsh conclusion.


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## zillard

Not being a smoker, do you realize how hard it is to quit? They are more addictive than heroin. 

Asking her to quit for you is delusional. If she tried to do that, it wouldn't last. She can only quit for herself.

You want compassion. Are you compassionate of her addiction? Of course she hides it from you. That's not because she doesn't love or respect you. Addiction is more complicated than that.


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## Anonymous07

Married but Happy said:


> All you've done is get angry. There have been no real consequences, so your credibility on this issue has decreased over the years. Now, you can either just try to manage the situation, or leave. Apparently she won't stop, and you won't leave. Stalemate.


:iagree:

You talk about how much you *hate* smoking, yet you have no strong boundaries and consequences for her, letting her continue to lie to you. If I were you, I would give her a timeline. She needs to quit smoking, with real progress and drive to quit, by x date some months from now or I am gone. I could not live with someone who smokes as it is an absolute deal breaker for me. No wiggle room there. 

My FIL quit smoking for my MIL, so it's completely possible. The person just needs a reason, a strong enough drive to want to quit.


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## zillard

intheory said:


> I agree with Elegirl about e-cigs ("vaping") and/or nicotine gum.
> 
> Also there are nicotine patches, and a smoking-cessation drug called "Chantix" if I recall correctly.
> 
> In other words, if you love this person. Try to work on a solution.
> 
> Sneakiness and lying are a problem But, it's probably more about getting the nicotine and hand-to-mouth-ritual she craves. Not about deceiving you.
> 
> It can be a weaning process. There are herbal cigarettes that still have some tar; but no nicotine.
> 
> There are even nicotine-free e-cigs. To let the smoker have that calming ritual that is as addictive as the nicotine, imo.
> 
> Then of course: worry beads to hold and count in your hand. Carrot and celery sticks. Sugar free gum.
> 
> Work on an all out plan of attack and solution, and support.
> 
> Emphasize (lovingly) that you don't want lies. You want to work on this together. Don't become the grim ogre that she hides this from. It's not like it's an illegal substance, or she's too young to smoke, or she's cheating on you.
> 
> Good luck to you guys.


I agree the hand-to-mouth and habit/ritual play a big part. Good ideas.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whatslovegottodowithit?

It sounds like you married her under false pretenses. She was well aware of your disgust of smoking and why. It was not about the addict itself (I doubt you want an addict anyways) but due to a personal trauma of losing a loved one and seeing friends suffer. She knew this and then hid this from you.

When compulsivity/addictions are present, a relationship cannot be. It looks like she chooses smoking over you. Substitute smoking for any other compulsivity/addiction and does this change anything for you? Or do you minimize it by rationalizing it's only smoking vs say gambling, heroin, etc...

Who else knows that she smokes and hides it from her H? Is she surrounded by friends and/or family who help her lie to her H?


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## PBDad

I think you made a statement about smokers and took the wrong approach. You should have asked her for cigarette years ago. You would have had your answer then. 

I feel the same way as you. Ive never dated a smoker. I find it difficult to understand how you married a smoker. Makes no sense.

Dump her now or accept it. Stop complaining.


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## askari

My wife and I stubbed out our last cigarettes 25 years ago. I was OK with the nicotine withdrawl symtoms but was was difficult - for the first month or so - was coffee in one hand and nothing in the other!
I got used to it though.

I would still love to be able to have maybe 1-2 cigarettes a month but I know that one will lead to two and on it goes.
It happened to my wife....after 22 years of no smoking she had one 'occasionally'...she is now on 20 a day.
Its disgusting.
Her breath reeks of cigarettes even 4 hours after her last one. If she breathes through her mouth towards me at 3am it is bad enough to wake me up.

Even our daughter (13) says she 'hates cuddling Mummy because she stinks of cigarettes and it makes me feel sick'.

If she wants to smoke then fine, providing she does it outdoors (which she does)....but she pays the price...no cuddles from her daughter etc.
If only she could reduce to 10 a day...thats already a 50% decrease.


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## Happilymarried25

I fine it hard to believe you didn't know she smoked when you were dating. I just have to walk by a smoker and I can tell they smoke. The past is the past. Just be supportive and encourage her to quit.


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## thinsection

As someone who has quit smoking, I can tell you that it was very, very difficult for me to quit. I quit cold turkey, and I figure it was 3 years before I was totally over it. If she's managed to essentially hide it from you this long, it means she cares, but that she is not strong enough/has no desire to quit, so I don't see it as a problem. If she ever starts lighting up in front of you, and blowing smoke in your face, then she doesn't give a [email protected], and that is a big problem. 

If it were me, I'd keep hounding her about it whenever it becomes noticeable, and ignore it when it isn't (that's what my brother's wife does to him lol!). Others have chastised you about having no boundaries, but this is really where your boundaries are already. Keep them there and you shouldn't have a problem. 

Sometimes, particularly with women, you can get them to quit by grossing them out. Seek out the book "The Cigarette Papers" (ISBN: 0520213726) and see if you can get her to read it. When she reads about some of the ingredients that have appeared in cigarettes over the years (automotive anti-freeze, benzene, formaldehyde, wood chips etc.) she may very well decide that she's had enough...


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## sisters359

You either hate it enough to leave, or you don't. If you don't, make peace with it--because your bottled up anger is likely as bad or worse for you as her smoking.

I wouldn't date a smoker. I don't know how I'd handle it if my partner started smoking. But I do know that once I made up my mind, I'd learn to be happy with my decision. No way to live otherwise.


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## zillard

thinsection said:


> As someone who has quit smoking, I can tell you that it was very, very difficult for me to quit. I quit cold turkey, and I figure it was 3 years before I was totally over it. If she's managed to essentially hide it from you this long, it means she cares, but that she is not strong enough/has no desire to quit, so I don't see it as a problem. If she ever starts lighting up in front of you, and blowing smoke in your face, then she doesn't give a [email protected], and that is a big problem.
> 
> If it were me, I'd keep hounding her about it whenever it becomes noticeable, and ignore it when it isn't (that's what my brother's wife does to him lol!). Others have chastised you about having no boundaries, but this is really where your boundaries are already. Keep them there and you shouldn't have a problem.
> 
> Sometimes, particularly with women, you can get them to quit by grossing them out. Seek out the book "The Cigarette Papers" (ISBN: 0520213726) and see if you can get her to read it. When she reads about some of the ingredients that have appeared in cigarettes over the years (automotive anti-freeze, benzene, formaldehyde, wood chips etc.) she may very well decide that she's had enough...


...Or switch to American Spirits.


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## Anooniemouse

She is probably most vulnerable to it under relationship stress. In which case, this is likely to crop up again. Whats the difference between cigarettes and heroin? People quit heroin first, its easier. 

Because of your description of the problem, the only way this is going to work is a period of deescalation. 

1. Bring the problem out in the open in a non-confrontational way. I know you still smoke. I'm not a fan of it. How do you feel about it?

...You will likely get your answer on if its resolvable in her reply.

2. If you get past that and she says she wants to quit "What will help you further that aim?" 

3. Expect her to have a hard time staying off. Quitting for a weekend or a few weeks is not the worst thing. Its the little triggers that come up constantly. For me its anger, certain smells, relationship blues, and extreme periods of stress or physical pain. I pretty much know mine. She'll have to do her own inventory. Once a smoker quits, they can be cruising along just find and its that sudden and intense craving out of the blue that draws them back. Or a fight. Or some other trigger for them. Getting past the initial period of a lot easier than dealing with those. If she is successful at all, play nice, but has suitably low expectations. 

I'm not the biggest fan of the drug, but Chantix plus counseling brings people up to 44% on still being quit at 3 months. Sometimes that is enough of a milestone to help a little bit in keeping people off. The reality is though, no matter what method is used, at the 1 year mark the percentages for people staying quit for: Chantix, nicotine patch/gum/lozenges, Nicotrol inhalers, and Zyban are roughly the same (14% 11% 11% 12% 12% and 13%). The drug company propaganda would like to say otherwise, but its been studied extensively. Much like heroin, the quitting is not the issue. Its the staying quit.


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