# At my wits end...



## TotallyStressedOut (Mar 3, 2010)

I know this is my first post in this forum, and to be honest, I just googled Marriage Forums as I have nowhere else to turn at the moment 

We have been married for 7 years, with him for 8 and a bit.

Right now I really dont care if its over and done with, and could quite easily say 'sod off'.

I dont deserve to be treated like I am. 

I WAS madly in love with him when we married. I KNOW I still love him, but dont know that I am IN love with him any more.

I know Im not perfect. I have lots of health issues, which of course put a huge dampener on any intimate relationship. 

I also have lots of depression issues, physical issues, and am always sick.

Im wondering if part of this is due to not being happy.

I find that when we are at home alone, my IBS is so much worse than when we are out or away and with other people.

Ive suggested going to counselling, but get told that yes I need to go to counselling, because everything is all MY fault.

He doesnt see the need for US to go to counselling at all, as he doesnt see that HE has any issues whatsoever.

He is constantly putting me down, calling me names (horrid names), telling me when I have mucked things up, telling me how badly I do things, NEVER pointing out anything good that I do.

Tonight for example, he picked an argument with me because of our lack of intimacy. I said that I dont 'feel' like being intimate with someone who constantly calls me names and belittles me.

Also, I DONT feel like having intimate relations with someone I feel like I am almost forced to have them with because I am always ill, and just dont have the drive.

We DONT have children. So that should make it easy right?

We do have properties, animals, etc all tied up. 

He said he doesnt want to leave because he will be the one to 'leave his sick wife'. 

I dont want to lose this house and property - it was my grandparents and we bought it from them. Its got 50 years of family history here. MY family.

We had a really bad patch back before Christmas, and I told his mum and her hubby as they rang one night when we were having a really big argument. I was really upset and they wanted to know why, so I told them.

His mum and her hubby are what I consider parents - I love them with all my heart. They have said to me on MANY occasions over the last few years (because things havent been rosey for quite some time) that they will NOT lose a daughter. And that he needs to pull his head in.

I didnt tell my parents at the time (at Christmas) because they only live a few hundred km away and my dad would have come over and let him have it. 

They have both said to me to leave him, they dont like how he talks to me.

99% of our friends are MY friends from before we met, and all tolerate him because of me. 

One of our friends who met us both a few years ago now even went as far as setting up a counselling appointment for me without my knowledge when I was staying with her for a week helping her get her website and stuff sorted out.

A HUGE part of me says 'leave'. Another huge part says 'dont'.

I have been TRYING my hardest for the last couple of years and with being so sick on top of it all, its just not working.

Am I a horrible person to think 'stuff this, I want out!'?

I am going to try to see my doctor tomorrow if I can. But its impossible to go see the doc on my own as he comes everywhere with me, comes into the appointments, and in front of other people he is all sympathetic and caring.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

TotallyStressedOut said:


> A HUGE part of me says 'leave'. Another huge part says 'dont'.


Ya, i know that emotional tug-of-war. There's all this information out there that says you asked for this to be in your life to heal a certain part of your soul, but then of course there's the other side of it that knows this is all BS! and not to tolerate it for one more minute. the latter feels much more empowering, while the former feels like im being a rug.

so it is a hard decision. and probably more complicated since you are ill. you do have to wonder if you wont run into the same problems with someone else. but i wonder the same thing. im not physically ill, just mentally ill. 

even though im still a little on the fence about my marriage, i have decided that today i do not want to be miserable anymore. i dont want to be the mean, nasty, vindictive, resentful person i was a year ago. So i have been doing everything i can, that does not involve changing my H, to be a person i feel good about. that did include being nice to my H. i read a book about not seeing other people as objects of our happiness but as separate entities going through their own crisis. that helped me emotional unwind my happiness from my H's behavior. but that was very hard and took many years to digest. haha. even now i still have my days.


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## TotallyStressedOut (Mar 3, 2010)

Ok, Im back......

Things are travelling a bit better at the moment, but I dont know for how long.....

I have been to see a counsellor a couple of times now on my own, and while I know he is trying, he is still putting me down and calling me names and I honestly dont think he realises he is doing it.

And then when things are going well, and I think, OK, I have no basis for feeling like I have been, I do something 'wrong' apparently and get told off for it.....

I should be in a RELATIONSHIP, not being treated like a child who has done the wrong thing.

I KNOW I have a lot of issues as I mentioned above, I also KNOW that I am a crap house keeper, have NO libido, am not the best with money - I tend to pay the bills that HAVE to be paid and work around the rest.... til next pay day, and then I get the next lot figured out..... 

We had a talk, he said he feels trapped, with me being sick, and with me managing the finances...... ok, I can understand that, however he doesnt want to be bothered paying the bills and wants ME to do it all..... he has said for years that HE does all the outside stuff so I have to do all the bill paying and phone calls and whatnot....... So he really CANT put that back on me....

On one hand he has been apologising for being so hard on me, but then 24 hours later he is back at it again....

And hes been saying 'you dont love me' and calling me names again..... 

And I am getting the 'lack of intimacy' digs all the time.... he doesnt even realise he does it I dont think.

Last post I said I was going to see my doctor if I could.....

Well, things escalated, I didnt go to bed that night at all, and I phoned the doctors office first thing in the morning....

Couldnt get in to see the doc, but got in to see the nurse/counsellor type person there, and while I was in with her for an hour and 3/4, the doctor poked his head in for about 15 minutes..... 

With everything I told them, they said regardless of my own things that "I" do 'wrong', I should NOT be feeling this way, and I should NOT be feeling intimidated by someone I am supposed to love and be loved by.

They got me in to see another counsellor right away and I went straight from that office to another office and spoke to the counsellor for nearly 2 hours - bawling the entire time of course - I was soooooooooooooooo mentally and physically exhausted as you could imagine...... 

She showed me the 'models' on paper for abusive relationships, and my husband ticked every, I mean EVERY box with the exception of the physical abuse in the way of hitting me...... 

However she pointed out that the pinching my nipples and poking me in the side all the time, and dropping the cats on my sternum when we are laying in bed, despite me having told him 3 million times that it hurts like heck still (I cracked my sternum years ago).....

Anyhow, I had to get home, as we had to go out at a certain time, and I couldnt get out of it at all......

I went home armed with what the counsellor had suggested to me and I had thought was a good move.....

I asked him for a break..... I said that the counsellor recommended we have a break for a short period of time, then come back together with the counsellor as a mediator, and then with changes on BOTH sides, give it another trial to see how we were going to go, and have regular counselling sessions.....

That went down like a lead balloon......

I got told that HE cant leave and go for a break because we have NO money - which of course is true...... and that if he goes somewhere, I cant cope with the horses and animals we have here on my own...... 

Well, when we had gotten home from where we had to go that night, we were supposed to go over and give one of our stallions two big injections and some pain relief and antiinflamitories, and then also spray his leg (he injured himself).....

I said as we were pulling up to the house, "Illl go get the injections" - he said 'Good, you go deal with it on your own, Im taking this trailer back' (we had a borrowed stock crate behind his vehicle)....

So theres me, at 10pm, in the dark trying to catch a stallion who had decided he knew what being caught was all about (injections) and was NOT happy, took me half an hour to catch him..... then gave him two needles on my own, and did the painkiller/anti inflamitory paste into his mouth and sprayed his leg.... 

That may not seem like much to non horse people, but it is a pretty big deal, and particularly when I have POTS (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome) and tend to pass out if I stand up for too long, plus have some pretty major pain issues with my back, neck and shoulder.... and I cant even stand at the kitchen sink to wash the dishes because of the pain, cant stand in the shower because of the pain...... you get the picture.... It was a MAJOR achievement for me to catch and needle the stallion.....

Apparently, I got NO credit for having done that on my own, because it was one of our dead quiet stallions.....

Anyhow, so he chucked a hissy fit about the suggestion of a break, and said I get to go on breaks all the time when I go interstate or to our capital city...... never mind that when I have done that its been for work/family related type stuff...... 

So its pretty obvious, he will NOT leave.... I pointed out that the person we have living in our other house is there and gets free rent in return for about 10 hours a week of work.... which he rarely does at this point...... so it would not be impossible for me to cope on my own..... that I could get this other fellow to help me..... 

he then pulled the 'but what if something goes wrong - Im the one who does the stitching up of horses and all our vet type work'...... and I said that there are people I could call on..... he then poo poo'd that idea..... with saying that HE is the one THEY call when they have a problem....

I said I am not completely useless, I could stitch up a horse if I had to and it would just mean I put two stitches in, and then sit down for a few minutes, and get back to it again, if someone else was holding the horse...... 

(We are 3 hours from the nearest vet and have to handle everything ourselves if you are wondering why we do our own stuff)

Anyhow, we had a big blow up...... 

Then he called me into the bedroom and apologised for being a jerk in a way that wasnt really a complete apology and was more of a way of saying that if i didnt stuff things up he wouldnt get cranky at me.

I spoke to my mum during the week...... she said she KNEW something was wrong because I would hardly speak to her when she had rung a couple of days before hand...... and was really worried....

She also said that she thought once Dad got home - hes interstate at the moment for a week - that they would come over.... which is what Im sort of afraid of to be honest.....

I want their support, but I dont want him and Dad to get into it, cos Dad will let him have it.... which probably wouldnt be a bad thing, but I dont want Dad to snot him one and get himself in trouble.

Besides, having to be bailed out of something I got myself into by my parents is not something I should have to be doing at the age of 36..........

The last few days have been wierd.... kind of ok, but Im in no way sure of what I want anymore....

Maybe it IS my fault that I am such a screw up and so useless..............

Maybe he is justified calling me names and everything......

It just makes it so damn hard when EVERY single person we know doesnt like how he speaks to me, a LOT of them say they just hang around because of ME..... 

He doesnt have any friends from before he met me.... and that is NOT my fault, he doesnt have contact with any of the people he used to know....... 

His mum is really peeved at how he treats me, and she said she put up with the same thing from his father for 20 years and she doesnt want to see me do the same thing......

I dont know..... I really dont know...... 

Any words of advice would be really appreciated......


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