# Stuck



## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

It has been a crazy busy summer. Sadly not so busy that I don't wake up every morning thinking how screwed up I still feel. D-day was 9 months ago and it still feels like yesterday. So much hard work was done in the first 6 months and now it is just stalled. I don't even know where to go from here. Any suggestions out there?


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## checkingout (Jun 7, 2012)

I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. D-day was 5 months ago for my husband's EA and it still feels so fresh. He has done everything he can to reassure me, but I just can't convince myself he's sincere.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Can you give a brief recap of the work? Yours, his, both of you? Where do you feel you are at now? Where would you like to get to?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

What did you consider progess and what things aren't happening that you need? Is it just a matter of lack of time or more than that? 

Could it be readjustment to a greater calm is confusing you into thinking nothing is happening? Kind of like the adrenaline is fading and it just feels off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

checkingout said:


> I don't have any suggestions, just wanted to let you know you aren't alone. D-day was 5 months ago for my husband's EA and it still feels so fresh. He has done everything he can to reassure me, but I just can't convince myself he's sincere.


I feel very much the same.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

eniale said:


> It has been a crazy busy summer. Sadly not so busy that I don't wake up every morning thinking how screwed up I still feel. D-day was 9 months ago and *it still feels like yesterday*.


E,

I'm 4 years out from DD and in R. That horrible night I found out my wife had been serially cheating on me for years. Time since has dulled the pain, but I have come to the conclusion that it really never goes away. The lies, the betrayal just becomes part of who you are. You deal with it or it will destroy you from within.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Can you give a brief recap of the work? Yours, his, both of you? Where do you feel you are at now? Where would you like to get to?


In the first few weeks following D-day, H began IC. After about a month I visited his counselor with him and then began my own IC. After about 5 months we all met together, H and his IC, myself and my IC. Then we had 4 sessions of MC, and nothing since.

I have no idea where that leave us or anything, and sadly I don't have a clue as to where I want or need to be. Just so very confused. This is so exhausting.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Do you believe that he told you everything?

Is it over?

IF yes to both then time and his efforts, if he is sincere will bring healing.

If your gut is saying something else then it is time to start snooping. Hate to say that but if your gut is telling you that he is not sincere perhaps he has taken it underground even further. 

If your gut is telling you he is sincere, then try to figure out what is driving your feelings, identify that and start working on how to restore inner peace.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Do you need to be actively doing "something" to feel progress? You could go back to MC. 

What activities do you do with your husband that you either never did before or stopped doing before the A? Those things are progress if they are enjoyable to you both.

Do you feel you have the whole story? 

What were your expectations for feeling whole again? Have you put yourself on a timeline?

What's he doing to help you?

Perhaps some IC will help you identify what is lacking.

Do you really want to be in R? 

Also, when was your last vacation? Fatigue can definitely factor in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> Do you believe that he told you everything?
> 
> Is it over?
> 
> ...


Yes, it is over. There has been no contact since December 2012. I do think he is sincere, but I also think he would just like me to "get over it". He would never say that to me though. I do still snoop from time to time and find nothing.

I should add that this was an email / phone EA with an old college girlfriend. They never saw each other during this time.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Did he ever give you a why? What was he lacking? We're there ways your marriage was less than it could be at the time?


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

*Do you need to be actively doing "something" to feel progress? You could go back to MC. *

I guess the answer to this is, no not really, but at the same time should we just try to move on because whats done is done?

*What activities do you do with your husband that you either never did before or stopped doing before the A? Those things are progress if they are enjoyable to you both.*

We have made a conscious effort to do more together such as hikes, movies, community activities, weekends away. He does get resentful if I don't want to go to a social gathering that he wants to.

*Do you feel you have the whole story? *

Yes and No. H has done his best to answer any question I have. Most of the emails are long gone and I will never see them. This part is hard for me to take.

*What were your expectations for feeling whole again? Have you put yourself on a timeline?*

No expectations and no timeline.


*Perhaps some IC will help you identify what is lacking.*

I have been thinking about checking in with IC now that summer is coming to a close.

*Do you really want to be in R? *

Most of the time yes. Occasionally no but this is when I am feeling so lost like now.

*Also, when was your last vacation? Fatigue can definitely factor in.
*

We just had a very nice family vacation. It was not particularly relaxing because we were very busy, but it was good. During this vacation however we drove to our destination and in doing so we had to drive through OW's home city. I was very anxious about this and felt it was very obvious. H said nothing about it, which was a bit hurtful.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> Did he ever give you a why? What was he lacking? We're there ways your marriage was less than it could be at the time?


He has really struggled with this as much as I have. He has always said that I did nothing to push him to contact this former GF that he was just curious as to what she has been up to over the last 20 plus years and did not expect to have any feelings for or about her. He tries to assure me that I have been nothing but the best supportive wife and mother anyone could ask for. I of course feel differently about this.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I think a vacation alone would be a good idea. 

And I think your husband's fear of making things worse by comforting you is going to be a sore spot. Did you tell him that his silence was hurtful?

Why are the emails gone? Have you tried any file recovery software on his HD? Did he ask her to send what she saved to you? 

How about a poly? 

Why don't you want to go to certain social functions? What causes him upset when you refuse? 

Do you feel he really loves you as a woman apart from your wife and mother role? Does he complement you, find you sexy, and display affection? Do you hold hands when you are out? Open doors, pull out chairs?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I think a vacation alone would be a good idea.
> 
> And I think your husband's fear of making things worse by comforting you is going to be a sore spot. Did you tell him that his silence was hurtful?
> 
> ...


I think you are exactly right. I think he ignored my being anxious about passing through OW's home city because he did not want me to feel any worse than I already was. I did not tell him how hurtful it was because we became very busy getting ready to entertain multiple guests on our vacation. On the way home I purposely fell asleep while passing through said city.

He deleted all of the emails because they were all on a work computer and he did not want them there. I have access to his home and work emails as well as his smartphone and tablet. I have always had this access and this did not change. He did offer to have her forward anything she still had to me, but I refused because I did not want him to contact her for any reason.

I also told him that a poly was not needed because I don't think he has lied to me in all of this. This is the hard part for me because I understand that this is so much my problem that I can't move on. That being said it doesn't change the fact that I feel so stuck.

As for the social gathering. It is not all social events that I am opposed to. It is a certain group of people that I just don't feel comfortable with. Anytime we are with these people I feel ignored and awkward. I have expressed this feeling to H and he just gets angry and says that I never want to do anything. Which is not true, I just don't want to hang out with that particular group.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

eniale said:


> In the first few weeks following D-day, H began IC. After about a month I visited his counselor with him and then began my own IC. After about 5 months we all met together, H and his IC, myself and my IC. Then we had 4 sessions of MC, and nothing since.
> 
> I have no idea where that leave us or anything, and sadly I don't have a clue as to where I want or need to be. Just so very confused. This is so exhausting.


Spend some time thinking about your feelings. Find a place that is quiet and relaxed. Try to identify the emotion. Go online and print out a list of adjectives. Circle the ones that you feel express your feelings. Then try to see which ones are the strongest. Then try to figure out if they are real or imagined, based upon reality or false thinking. Dismiss the ones that are based upon false assumptions or false thinking and focus on the ones that are based upon reality. Work on those and I think some of your confusion will go away. May add to your exhaustion but at least you will identify those emotions that are causing you to feel the way you do.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Regarding his silence rather than being openly understanding - he was protecting himself, not you.

You have to tell him how going there made you feel and how silence from him will never help you heal. His empathy and actions that flow from it will help. You need reassurance that he is aware and willing to be there for you.

You must have felt very alone - abandoned. 
Theme: You feel that way with that one group, too. How has he tried to include you and make sure you feel loved and protected while with them? 

Did any of those folks know about the A before you? 

How is he with the other groups you socialize with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What is wrong with the group he wants to hang out with?


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

Chaparral said:


> What is wrong with the group he wants to hang out with?


I am just always very uncomfortable when interacting with this particular group of people. H usually leaves me to talk to go talk to people and I am left standing around feeling very awkward because I am not involved in a conversation. I should also add that I am not a super shy person so I do go up to people and try to start a conversation, one or two comments are exchanged about the kids and what they are up to then its over and they have nothing more to say to me. There must be something about me that is uninviting but I don't seem to have any problem with other groups or while at work.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your H broke the special bond between you when he engaged in his EA. It sounds like he broke your heart when he did this. This is hard to repair. There's no tool kit that you can access to guarantee a good result. You thought you were his one and only & then suddenly you weren't. Another woman was filling his mind, his thoughts, not you. This is the destructive nature of the EA.

Have you considered taking some time just for yourself to assess the damage? You probably want to trust him with your heart again, but he held that cheap already, so it's so hard to believe him now. Do you know what it would take to believe him? This is the question you may need to find the answer to. This is the question that you need some time to find clarity on perhaps.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

eniale said:


> I am just always very uncomfortable when interacting with this particular group of people. H usually leaves me to talk to go talk to people and I am left standing around feeling very awkward because I am not involved in a conversation. I should also add that I am not a super shy person so I do go up to people and try to start a conversation, one or two comments are exchanged about the kids and what they are up to then its over and they have nothing more to say to me. There must be something about me that is uninviting but I don't seem to have any problem with other groups or while at work.


Which group is this? Is this a work group for your H? If so, is it possible that they feel awkward around you because they know something that you don't?


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Which group is this? Is this a work group for your H? If so, is it possible that they feel awkward around you because they know something that you don't?


No it is not a work group. This is a group of people we have both known for a long time. All of our children went to the same school. These are not people I am unfamiliar with, I just don't seem to have anything in common with them now that our children are not together anymore. We have not told anyone except our IC's that we have been going through this trouble.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Why does your h like to hang out with them?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

eniale said:


> No it is not a work group. This is a group of people we have both known for a long time. All of our children went to the same school. These are not people I am unfamiliar with, I just don't seem to have anything in common with them now that our children are not together anymore. We have not told anyone except our IC's that we have been going through this trouble.


I've had this sort of problem before. What works (to some degree) is to get people talking about their kids - really talking, not just general info chit chat. I remember the kids' names and I act interested in what they are doing, what schools they are at, what they are studying, their work, etc. People are usu. eager to keep going with these conversations because they can talk forever about their own children.

You've probably done this. I'm saying to do it even more when talking to them, in more depth, more personal.


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> Why does your h like to hang out with them?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He just has a very hard time saying no thank you. He will say no if we already have plans for something, but if there is nothing on the calendar he won't decline the invitation and then emails or texts me to put it on the calendar.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

eniale said:


> He just has a very hard time saying no thank you. He will say no if we already have plans for something, but if there is nothing on the calendar he won't decline the invitation and then emails or texts me to put it on the calendar.


So he has no problem with committing you to something without checking with you first, even though he knows you're uncomfortable with it? 

What would happen if he texts you to put it on the calendar and you text back "no."


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## eniale (Jan 8, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> So he has no problem with committing you to something without checking with you first, even though he knows you're uncomfortable with it?
> 
> What would happen if he texts you to put it on the calendar and you text back "no."


I would say most of the time this is true. I do always text back letting him know there is either a conflict on our schedule, or I am not interested. I usually suggest another activity that I know we would both enjoy.

I know part of this is my fault because H may see it as I give mixed messages. I don't mean this to happen it just does. For example with this group that we have been talking about they usually like to have a get together once a month or so and the venue changes. So this summer there have been four gatherings. We went to the first and it was uncomfortable for me but I knew he wanted to go. We skipped the 2nd. I decided to host the 3rd so that I would be busy getting food and drinks for everyone it wouldn't be so bad and knew H would love that. We then declined the last one.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

If you are not consistent you can't very well hold him responsible.

Say what you mean. Mean what you say.

Else, take your lumps. 

You are good for recognizing your part in this. Now it is time to be honest and take responsibility. It is cool to do something just because he wants to. But it isn't cool if it makes you miserable. It can't work.

Enthusiastic agreement. Or at least better than luke warm!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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