# My story - the end of an 18-year marriage



## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hello everyone,

I have been reading people's stories here for about a month, and feel I should de-lurk and tell my own marriage tale. My husband and I have been married almost 18 years. Our anniversary will be June 5. 

We met, fell very quickly and passionately in love, and were married one year later. At the time of our marriage he was 31 and I was 33. I am now 51, and we have a 14-year-old daughter.

Our personalities are very different. I am an introvert, analytical and make decisions after taking a lot of thought. I like quiet, home-centered activities - reading, writing, listening to music. He is an active guy, more emotional, reckless and impulsive. He enjoys long sessions of bike riding and cross-country skiing, whereas I am more of a yoga and walks in the woods kind of girl. At first we were interested in our differences, but now we view them as signs of our incompatibility.

Some years ago I began to withdraw from him when I saw behaviors that I became increasingly uncomfortable with. His tempers, sessions of swearing and raging around the house (never has he directed his anger at me or our child), unpleasant disagreements and estrangement from his family members, and the way he seemed to distance himself from people who needed him - his parents, his young son from his first marriage. He offered little help with our child when she was a baby, though I worked full time, as he did.

The silence between us grew, and our sex life dwindled to occasional active times followed by long stretches of no physical intimacy. When our daughter was four years old, I left a two-page letter on his pillow telling him that I was concerned about our marriage. He never responded - not one word. I knew he had read it - the letter had been opened, and then put into his nightstand. I was very hurt by his silence, and being the retiring type, I withdrew into sadness rather than pursue the matter. I became convinced that I was married to a man who did not care.

We continued on, pleasantly enough for the most part, but with continued distance and no real talk of our growing estrangement. One major event that happened about four years ago was that he took $20,000 from our home equity loan without my knowledge or permission and fed it into his (failing) business to keep it going. He kept this secret from me for about a year before finally telling me. I was enraged at his deception - my name is on that loan too, and I can be held legally responsible. At present, the loan balance remains almost unchanged. His business can only afford to make the minimum monthly payment. 

Two years ago, he had what might have been a break down. He began having anxiety issues (he had before, but this was magnified), spells of crying, and increased difficulty controlling his anger and impulsive acts. I reacted badly - I was frightened and withdrew further, fearing what I saw as mental instability. (I grew up with a mentally ill, alcoholic, suicidal mother and have always lived in fear of finding myself in that position again. My way of surviving as a child was to be very quiet, withdraw, take care of myself and not do anything to upset my mother). My husband was very hurt by my withdrawal, as I did not offer him the support he needed.

He began therapy, and he also began his first emotional affair with a woman he knew from the local Zen Temple, where he and I were both members. He began meeting with her and gradually he became very attached. She had great influence over him - she was a dynamic woman, a natural health counselor and healer, and her influence became obvious. He altered his diet, his interests and his spiritual inquiries.

He refused to end his friendship with her, though he told me that he wanted to work on saving our marriage. As his obsession with her grew, he began treating me badly. I suddenly found my personality being attacked, he did not like my quiet ways. One week he would tell me he didn't love me, the next he would say he did, then say he didn't, but was "trying". He began complaining about my hugs - that I did not "melt and blend" when I hugged him. He became obsessed with "telling the truth" at all times, very bluntly. He became very focused on his "needs" and that they needed to be met. I became desperate, trying my best to give him what he said he wanted from me, but every time I approached him, either for conversation or in physical contact, he would find something lacking and complain. After months of this, I began to believe him when he complained about my inadequacies and my "barriers". My self-esteem plummeted and I began an existence of trying desperately to please him.

We began marriage counseling. I spent our second session sobbing my eyes out, talking of all the ways he had been hurting me. My husband spoke of how he just wanted to be free to live his life as he wished, he dislikes being tied down. The therapist was a very skillful guy, and advised me to take risks and speak out for myself rather than withdraw. His advise to my husband was to be more mindful of my feelings and more diplomatic in his speech.

My husband decided that he was polyamorous and needed to have multiple partners in order for his emotional needs to be met. I finally caved in and agreed to let him have sexual affairs after a year of resisting. I was miserable, but tried to go along with it in order to save my marriage. I withdrew from the Zen temple, as that became the place he found his first partners. I could not face going there any longer.

Now I see how truly low I was brought - how shattered my self esteem was to have agreed to such insanity. I bent over backwards to be "nice" and accommodating. I was so terrified to be on my own as a single mother.

My husband began working part time hours (as he is his own boss, it was easy) and focused his attention on his own fun. He began going for long bike rides and skiing, meeting friends for lunch, conducting his sexual affairs, and attending parties, etc. He spent a great deal of time on Facebook. My resentment grew, as I work full time in a very demanding profession and have a 40-minute commute each way. I felt like I worked all the time while he played. Not surprisingly, his business was struggling in this difficult economy, but he neglected it until it reached the point where he could not afford to pay himself. He now has to hold his paychecks, sometime for weeks until he sees a chance to deposit one into our account.

Moving to the present, two months ago I finally told him that I could no longer live with his affairs and his active social life that I am excluded from. Every time he went out for the evening on one of his dates I felt awful. After two years of hell, I told him we needed to end our marriage. He agreed, and promptly went up north for a week, came back home and announced that he was is in a steady relationship with some woman he met at a yoga conference last winter. So much for polyamory.

I am actively preparing to move out with our daughter. I have reserved an apartment in my old home town (where I work - no more long commute!) and should be able to take possession of it in mid-July. My daughter will start 9th grade in a new city. Huge changes for her, but she tells me she is excited.

Financially, things are scary. I make a decent salary at the University, but it's not great. But I have the support of my two bosses, who know of my situation, and I have good benefits. I have a modest amount of money in my retirement account, and my husband promises that he will not try to go after any of it. My position is not as frightening as many other mothers who find their marriages ending.

My husband will stay on in the house and try to meet the mortgage until we are able to sell. We are "under water" and are hoping to do a short sale. We have a very good Realtor who thinks she can help us.

I have had some spectacular spells of screaming and crying lately, finally allowing myself to grieve and stop being so stoic. I still have feelings for him, but the bad has far outweighed the good these past couple of years. I am calm now, and know this is the right decision. I am now looking forward with great excitement to moving back to my hometown and having my own place with my daughter. I envision a much more peaceful life once he and I are no longer living under the same roof. We are still together in the house right now and will be for another month or so. It is not comfortable, but he is making himself scarce, and sleeps outside in his tent hammock at night.

Once I am settled in my new place, I of course must begin to pursue the legalities of ending our marriage. I hope that we can do it fairly and without too much rancor. 

Two days ago he told me that he has backed away from his new relationship with the woman up north, and has begun sending me very apologetic emails, telling me that he feels terrible about how badly he has hurt me. "I have been a selfish bastard". That is a first - before he did nothing but justify his behavior. He is going up north alone to "get his head together". He says he feels very unsteady right now.

This may be a ploy on his part to pull me back in - to get his fragile emotional needs soothed. He may be looking for me to forgive him, so that he can feel better about himself. I am not ready to give him that, and continue to remain aloof and keep my distance. He wants to talk about our relationship, but I think the time for that is over.

I apologize for the absurd length of this introductory post, but it feels good to tell my story here. I have kept most of it bottled up inside for a very long time.


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## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Your story echos mine in a lot of ways. Married 31 years, same age, husband owns own business, works part time- goes away a lot therefore has time for his affair always claiming he needs to go away on business or to conferences. took $80 out of our LOC wihtout me knowing and now that debt has become an issue as if I keep the house the debt comes with me as the business has not enough collateral to put the loan in the company name.

My husband is involved with a woman who lives 10 hrs away. I never speak to him on the phone anymore so I have no idea if he is still there or back in our city. By text and cell phones you dont know.

I too am making plans to seperate our lives but I am not as stong as you, I still want hope for my marriage, you seem to have your life straigthened out and I envy that. Putting things in place to end a marriage to me is quite painful emotionally. I didn't want to be in this place but was forced.

good luck to you and hope everything works out for you. I'm glad your daughter is on board with the move that will help immensenly.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I don't even know what to say. You have suffered so much. I guess if it were me, I would respond with "prove it" to all of his new declarations. But I would continue the split.  People get back together after divorce. It isn't the end of the world.

She probably didn't want him full time, anyway. Fun to duck, lousy to live with, as you already knew.

Good luck. Steady on your goals.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I read your story this morning & wanted to post but I was running out the door for a 5k walk/run ...

You're doing the right thing. Moving on, that is. He's showed you multiple times where his head is at (me me me me me). You should work on yourself and figure out the things you did wrong and why you tolerated this situation so long. Withdrawing or beingn passive when something upsets ynou isn't the way to go, as you clearly learned. Things to get resolved on their own.

I know you were not at all down with him being with other womenn and yet you allowed it to happen in order to "keep" him or the peace or whatever reason you had. Next time, don't agree to something in order to placate someone, and in the meantime, goes against your core values and against your needs 100%.

I recommend reading the book "Love Must be Tough" by James Dobson. It has a story in there similar to yours (the husband wants to take lovers and the wife agrees to let him eventhough it destroys her). That book has a good message overall.

I'm not surprised your hub is now doing the ol' wayward switcheroo and just now realizing the pain he's caused you. The reason for that is he didn't care before because you never stood your ground. Now that you have, he knows you mean business. This is something that should have been done long ago.

Move forward with your life and be the best mother you can be to your child. It's best to for her to be an in environment where she sees her mother happy and not growing up thinking it's ok for dad to have many bedmates and that it's normal.

Go on with your life. If he is truly committed to changing, he will have to prove it to you and earn your trust over time, because he has all but destroyed it for you. If you ever consider taking him back, make him work for it. But I wouldn't do that now if I were you. He needs to feel the loss of you. For too long he's gotten used to his way and not all cared about you. That is not a marriage or partnership.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Thanks for the responses. I should clarify that when I said my husband wants to talk about our relationship, it does not mean he wants to reconcile. He and I both want to end the marriage, with absolute certainty. He just wants to talk - I think in order to hear me say "I forgive you. It wasn't that bad." I don't intend to give him that. It has been horrible, and I want him to fully understand that his conduct was truly egregious and hurtful. He is also, I think for the first time, beginning to realize what changes his actions have created in our child's life, and this is another reason for his sudden attempts to apologize and make amends. (He is offering to help buy new furniture for the apartment, help us get set up with our computers, etc.)

Also, to clarify, our daughter does not know of his affairs. She knew of his friendship with the first woman - the emotional affair (he says they never had sex, though they slept together twice for "connection and intimacy". Sex or not, this was an affair). My daughter and I both knew this woman, and my daughter was worried about her dad's friendship with her. He was not very subtle in his conduct. 

Our daughter did notice that he went out all the time, and that he and I did fewer things together. She knows about the new woman in his life due to the fact that he blurted it out to us when he got home due to his new-found excitement. This man-child is truly a "bull in a china shop". He even thought it would be all right to take phone calls from his new girlfriend while with us inside our home. This a mere month after we told our daughter that her parents were divorcing. I had to take him out into the driveway one night two weeks ago and rip him a new one in order to force him to look at what an insensitive ass he was being.

My daughter is an observant girl, and said to me "Daddy doesn't know how to be alone, does he?" She is very right about that, and it is a fundamental difference between him and me. I do not fear being alone, as I have done it before. I do not feel like I am diminished when I am not in a relationship, and in fact have always taken at least a year after the end of a romance before beginning to seek out another. With the ending of this 19 year marriage, I intend to take plenty of time to rest, heal, and find myself again. Reading, writing, walking, yoga, going to the theater, cultivating new friendships... I am, in truth, really looking forward to the new freedom I will have to pursue these pleasures.

In finally feeling free to tell my friends and family about all that has been going on these past few years in my marriage, they have helped me to open my eyes and see past the fog of confusion that my husband had created around me. I can see him much more clearly now, and what I see is a frantic man who rushes from thing to thing and woman to woman, trying to find someone to stabilize him. One friend pointed out that his behavior is that of an addictive personality. He is simply substituting people for drink or drugs. When he told me about this new woman, he said that now he feels "grounded" and that he can settle down and concentrate on getting his business doing well again. I though to myself that was a hell of a burden to lay on her shoulders. I'm not jealous of her - the poor thing has no idea what she's in for if they deepen their relationship. 

I certainly did allow this untenable situation with my husband to go on far too long, and with very damaging results to my self image. I continue on now alone with our therapist, and he is helpful at guiding me to look clearly at my very old, very established patterns of behavior and reaction, and at the deepest unhappiness of all - my conviction, no doubt stemming from my unhappy childhood (sick mother, abandoned by my father as an infant, sexual abuse at age seven by my older step-brother) that I was not worthy of being treated with respect and care.

My therapist asked me "Did you ever lie to him? Did you ever steal from him? Did you cheat on him? Then why on earth do you think you are the unworthy one?" That was an eye-opener.

Happily, I am moving forward. Though I have concerns about being a single mother with a teenage girl, and the associated financial worries, I am no longer feeling scared about the end of my marriage. I look forward to starting a new life without my husband's daily influence, and have no lingering wish that we could try again. He is wired very differently than me, and I view him as emotionally unstable. He creates crises and chaos, is impulsive and reckless, and I am ready to be done with a partner who has those behaviors. 

And I definitely know that I cannot trust him. I need to protect myself. He has broken promises in the past, and consulting a lawyer is next on my list of things to do. I will not rest until certain matters have been settled legally. Financially the situation is complicated, and no way will I attempt to negotiate with my husband and handle everything on our own (his first suggestion) without someone knowledgeable helping to guide me through these decisions.

With the support of people who care about me, I feel stronger than I have in years, and it feels damned good. A sane and stable life, that's what awaits me. I've got my eyes fixed on what I want, and I will get it.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Solitude, Your H's behavior cannot be excused. I believe it may be explained, however, in a way that gives you some sense of closure -- which can mean a lot because you almost certainly will not get closure from him. The behavior you are describing -- emotional instability, verbal abuse, impulsiveness, inappropriate anger, all-or-nothing thinking, and childish behavior -- are classic traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I am not suggesting he has full blown BPD. Only a professional can determine whether his traits are so strong as to meet the diagnostic criteria. 

I am suggesting, however, that he may have mild to strong BPD traits. Significantly, such traits can easily undermine a marriage even when they fall well short of having full blown BPD. I therefore will discuss some BPD traits that seem relevant to your H's behavior. If they ring a bell, you may want to read more about BPD. I therefore provide links at the bottom to additional resources on this issue.


solitudeseeker said:


> I view him as emotionally unstable. He creates crises and chaos, is impulsive and reckless. ...Two years ago, he had what might have been a break down. ... mental instability.


Of the ten personality disorders, BPD is the only one notorious for making the person unstable. Of course, being unstable during a rare crisis does not imply one has a strong BPD trait. Instead, what is required is a persistent instability.


> One week he would tell me he didn't love me, the next he would say he did, then say he didn't....


A BPDer (person with strong BPD traits) often does "splitting," wherein he is in touch with one set of feelings or the other -- but is extremely uncomfortable being in touch with mixed feelings. This is why a BPDer will take a black-white view of other people, classifying everyone as "all good" or "all bad." That is, he is uncomfortable with ambiguities and gray areas. Moreover, he will reclassify someone -- in ten seconds -- from one extreme to the other based solely on a minor infraction or idle comment.


> He began going for long bike rides and skiing, meeting friends for lunch, conducting his sexual affairs, and attending parties.... This man-child is truly a "bull in a china shop."


If your H really does have strong BPD traits, he actually is a "man-child." Due to a serious genetic flaw and/or a trauma before the age of five, a BPDer's emotional development typically was frozen at about age four. He therefore is stuck with the emotional defenses of a young child, e.g., denial, projection, magical thinking, splitting, and all-or-nothing thinking.


> My daughter is an observant girl, and said to me "Daddy doesn't know how to be alone, does he?"


BPDers hate to be alone. The main reason is that they never had a chance to develop a cohesive integrated self image. Having only a fragile, unstable self image, they have great difficulty staying interested in any vocation or avocation. That is, they tend to shoot off in all directions. Moreover, due to the weak ego, when a BPDer is alone he doesn't even have "himself" to keep himself company. A BPDer therefore wants to always be around a woman with a strong personality who will center and ground him. But it is a lose-lose situation: as soon as he is around her for six months and the infatuation fades, he will feel controlled and suffocated -- as though he is vanishing into her strong personality.


> We met, fell very quickly and passionately in love...


Because a BPDer lacks a stable self image to guide him when meeting new people, he will figure out how they expect him to behave and then will act in that manner. Moreover, when he becomes infatuated with you, he will pull out all the stops and emulate the best features of your personality. The result is that both of you will be convinced you've met your "soul mate." Also, because he splits you as "black" or "white," he will initially place you on a pedestal and will treat you like a goddess.


> His tempers, sessions of swearing and raging around the house (never has he directed his anger at me or our child)


This is how a four year old behaves -- throwing temper tantrums and feeling entitled to everything. A BPDer is not like a normal four year old. Instead, he is like one who has a great amount of anger inside (carried from early childhood).


> Friends and family ... have helped me to open my eyes and see past the fog of confusion that my husband had created around me.


At the BPD sites targeted to the nonBPD spouses like you, those "Nons" usually refer to the nonsensical rationalizations of BPDers as "fog." And they often refer to the upside-down feeling created by the confusion as "being in Oz." This confusion -- of being alternately adored and devalued -- is so well known that BPD is notorious for being the only PD that makes the nonBPD partners feel like they are going crazy. If you were married to a narcissist or sociopath, for example, you would be just as miserable and devalued. But you would not feel like you are losing your mind. BPD traits, however, are notorious for that.


> One friend pointed out that his behavior is that of an addictive personality. He is simply substituting people for drink or drugs.


As I noted above, a BPDer has to be around strong personalities to center and ground him, which is why he hates being alone. For this reason, he will tend to behave differently around different types of people.


> ...unpleasant disagreements and estrangement from his family members, and the way he seemed to distance himself from people who needed him - his parents, his young son from his first marriage.


BPDers usually -- but not always -- come from dysfunctional families. Because the traits are believed to be caused by a combination of genetics and/or childhood abuse or abandonment, it is not surprising to find family members with similar traits.


> the poor [other woman] has no idea what she's in for if they deepen their relationship.


Funny you should say that. A high functioning BPDer usually treats casual friends, business associates, and complete strangers very well. These people never trigger his anger because they pose no treat whatsoever to his two great fears: abandonment and engulfment. They cannot threaten abandonment because there is no close LTR to be abandoned. And they cannot threaten engulfment because there is no intimacy that can make him feel suffocated. 

Lord help those folks, however, if they make the mistake of drawing close to him. This is why a BPDer often will be generous and caring all day long at work and then go home at night to be verbally abusive to the very people who love him. As to your H's GF, she likely will be unable to trigger his anger for 4 to 6 months. The infatuation makes him believe she is perfect, thus temporarily suspending both of his fears. But she is in for a rude surprise.


> One major event that happened about four years ago was that he took $20,000 from our home equity loan without my knowledge...


Like a young child, a BPDer typically will lie when cornered and will feel he is entitled to things. It is common, for example, for a BPDer to apply one set of rules to himself and another set to everyone else -- and he won't see any wrong with doing so. Moreover, it is difficult for him to appreciate your sacrifices. Thus, it is usually "What have you done for me lately."


> My husband decided that he was polyamorous and needed to have multiple partners in order for his emotional needs to be met.


As I discussed above, a BPDer will tend to shoot off in all directions (if you will pardon the pun) when you are not there to center him. He may become deeply interested in a number of different activities and hobbies, only to abandon them soon thereafter. Moreover, because BPDers cannot manage their emotions well, they tend to get used to having intense feeling -- and thus can get easily bored with having just normal feelings. This is one reason they will engage in risky or self destructive behavior (another reason is their lack of impulse control).

Solitude, if these traits sound familiar and you want to read more about them, I suggest you read my four posts in GTRR's thread. They start at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiet...depressed-its-always-my-fault.html#post188319. Those posts also provide links to good articles written by professionals. If you have questions, I would be glad to try to answer them or point you to a resource that can. Please take care.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hi Uptown,

I've never read about this disorder, but your post certainly made my brows go up. The bit about someone with BPD being capable of causing the spouse to wonder about her own sanity really resonated with me. I spent a fair amount of my time thinking I was the crazy one.

It is true that he jumps from activity to activity, and rarely sees anything through to completion. He is easily bored, always restless, and unable to keep still. I have often wondered about some form of attention deficit in my husband, as he can at times appear to be so tuned out. At the dinner table, when my daughter and I would talk about our day, he would not contribute to the conversation. When I glanced at him, he would be very obviously "elsewhere", and his leg would be bouncing up and down. I almost wanted to ask him who he was hearing - a voice inside his head?

As for a genetic link, definitely yes. His father is the most anxious man I've ever met. I find the guy exhausting to be around. He's in a constant frenzy. My husband's older sister grapples with severe depression. His younger sister has been diagnosed as bipolar, and has battled alcohol and cocaine abuse, and an eating disorder.

This information is indeed helpful to me. It strengthened my conviction that he is wired differently, and that I should not internalize and believe his assessment of me. Thank you.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

solitudeseeker said:


> I have often wondered about some form of attention deficit in my husband, as he can at times appear to be so tuned out. At the dinner table, when my daughter and I would talk about our day, he would not contribute to the conversation. When I glanced at him, he would be very obviously "elsewhere", and his leg would be bouncing up and down. I almost wanted to ask him who he was hearing - a voice inside his head?


One of the hallmarks of BPD is dissociation, which occurs when the conscious part of the mind is split off from other parts. A BPDer is completely split off from his feeling of love for you, for example, when he is "splitting you black," at which time he only feels hatred or devaluation of you. Splitting is most evident when your H is day dreaming as a way of escaping the stress of dealing with loved ones. This is why, in a treatment program, one of the first things they would teach him to do -- which the rest of us learned in childhood -- is "staying present" in the room instead of day dreaming.

Lest this dissociation seem exotic, I note that we all do it (i.e., splitting) many times a day. BPDers just do it far more frequently and intensely. That is, they differ from the rest of us not in kind but, rather, in degree. Do you remember the time you were driving and suddenly realized you could not recall a thing from the last ten miles, not even the three lighted intersections you passed through? And do you remember the time you went into the kitchen and, on opening the refrigerator door, suddenly realized you had no idea what food item you were seeking?

Well, those are both common instances of dissociation. While your subconscious was carefully driving you through the three intersections and walking you to the refrigerator, your conscious mind was day dreaming a thousand miles away. Because your H likely does this a lot, he often may fail to recall conversations and events that you remember vividly occurring just a few days earlier.


> This information is indeed helpful to me. It strengthened my conviction that he is wired differently, and that I should not internalize and believe his assessment of me.


Exactly. Strong BPD traits distort the man's perception of your intentions and motivations. This is why BPD itself is called a "thought disorder." The more you understand about your H's role in the relationship, the better you will understand your own. Because you stayed with him for so many years, you likely are a codependent caregiver like me. If so, your desire to be needed (for what you can do) far exceeds your desire to be loved (for the woman you already are). If you have not already done so, I suggest you follow the link I provided and read more about BPD and codependence. I believe you will find it very liberating, as I did.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He may be BPD and he may not. However, without a proper medical diagnosis, that is a strong assessment to make about someone.

Solitude, what is clear is you are not happy with how your marriage has shaken out and you're not on the same page as him anymore. So, IMO, you're doing the right thing here.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Yep, he may have the disorder, he may not. And I certainly can see a bit of myself as well when I look over the traits.

Bottom line is that we are wired very differently and are not compatible. I've begun packing my things into moving boxes and going through papers, etc. Feels good to be busy and making plans for my new life, knowing that this is the right thing to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When do you move?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Vaguely, some time in mid-July. I'm on the wait list at an apartment complex. They have their yearly turnover in June, clean things up, and the new people start arriving in July.

So another six weeks or so in the house with my husband, unfortunately. But he is pretty good at making himself scarce. He sleeps outside in his tent hammock, and stays out of my way for the most part.

It is tense though. I look forward to getting the hell out of the house as soon as they give me the word.


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