# Per almostrecovered - How to address this?



## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...3718-attmpting-save-marriage-need-advice.html

I had been kinda slouch in our relationship. Wife wanted the old me, and for us to be a lot more. I woke up after she threatened divorce last weekend. Next day, she got mad for no reason and had to go out with the friend really drunk. She came home and passed out, I woke with the kids and saw two texts "I'm at the bar" and "Why wont you talk to me?" I'd seen the # once before but it had been deleted and these were as soon as she woke.

I had the chance to look at the records on Monday and there are numerous calls and texts daily on it, as soon as she leaves the house, during work, until I get home and sometimes afterward, heavily on the day she has off and I dont. Some calls for long periods of times. This had been going on for a month.

Since my change and our heart to heart on Sun. things have been really good with us. Lots of affection. I've allready made some life changes that is going to take our family up and she has noticed and commented. She hasnt had to go out. She wants to go to places with me other than the bar regulared, even if we used to go there all the time. It feels great. But...

The communication still is there. She is still texting/calling as soon as out of the house. It looks to me like she was trying to end it but even still today, she sent the first "coast clear" message when she left. I am going to address it tonight.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Well it's for you I just suggested you add a thread here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Right now the plan is to sit her down and grab her hand tight.
I am going to ask her how much she loves me.
I am going to tell her that a new cellular phone company came in this week to give a proposal. When the bookkeeper and he were going over last months invoice, she brought to my attention some information calls that were on her phone and we are charged for. When I looked to verify the charges I noticed an incredible amount of calls and texts to a local number that occurred at strange times and for unusual lengths. Since then, I have had the opportunity to go through your phone to see who this person is, only to find no record of any of these conversations or texts and no contact info. I need to know who it is and what is your relationship with this person.

I will then give her the opportunity to talk. I know its a guy, I know his name, I know where he lives, I know what he does, I know where they meet. I hope she would come clean and I can tell her to end it.

If she lies, I am going to say that "I am not going to tell you how I know this, but I know his name is ... Would you like to go again?"

I am going to be the one driving tonight so she won't be able to drive off. If I back her into a corner she is probably going to run though. I have the ability online to deactivate her phone before we go out or even better, my friend who is watching our kids when we go out tonight, I leave the log-in info with him and send him a message to deactivate it before we talk. I don't want her running or calling the OM to come and get her. We have to talk this out.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> Well it's for you I just suggested you add a thread here
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I figured since you're more of a regular poster here, if I threw your name in it, it'd get more attention...


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

voice said:


> I figured since you're more of a regular poster here, if I threw your name in it, it'd get more attention...



well I am so beloved


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Cmon guys don't make me look bad, help this guy muster up the strength to do the right thing tonite
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I like that approach. I used a similar one. When I found the emails, all I told him was that I had found them. Hours later, when I'd managed to get the kids out of the house, I sat him down (that sounds so calm but actually was NOT!) and told him he was going to tell me everything that he'd been up to. Every time he stopped talking I simply said "AND???" And he would list off something else. Some of it I already knew but some of it I didn't.

I hope you get the TRUTH. It IS out there, you know.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

voice said:


> I figured since you're more of a regular poster here, if I threw your name in it, it'd get more attention...


"Almostrecovered, stop fornicating with my W !!!" would've brought better results.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Geez, why did you have to start a new thread? I had to read the other thread from beginning to end to get a handle about whats going on.



voice said:


> I had been kinda slouch in our relationship. Wife wanted the old me, and for us to be a lot more. I woke up after she threatened divorce last weekend. Next day, she got mad for no reason and had to go out with the friend really drunk. She came home and passed out, I woke with the kids and saw two texts "I'm at the bar" and "Why wont you talk to me?" I'd seen the # once before but it had been deleted and these were as soon as she woke.


There is no excuse to go out of the marriage. You're only responsible for 50% of the relationship problems. So she thought she would solve things by going to someone else? It defiinitely indicates third party involvement. Yes, she didn't get mad for no reason, she picked a fight so that she would have an excuse to get out of the house and meet her lover, the one that she texted that she was at the bar and complaining why he wont talk to her.



voice said:


> I had the chance to look at the records on Monday and there are numerous calls and texts daily on it, as soon as she leaves the house, during work, until I get home and sometimes afterward, heavily on the day she has off and I dont. Some calls for long periods of times. This had been going on for a month.


This is so eerily similar to my situation, it's scary.



voice said:


> Since my change and our heart to heart on Sun. things have been really good with us. Lots of affection.


If course things seem good. You're on to her, so she has to pretend and throw you off the scent. This is normal.



voice said:


> I've allready made some life changes that is going to take our family up and she has noticed and commented. She hasnt had to go out. She wants to go to places with me other than the bar regulared, even if we used to go there all the time. It feels great. But...


But...your gut is still screaming at you. Been there, done that.



voice said:


> The communication still is there. She is still texting/calling as soon as out of the house. It looks to me like she was trying to end it but even still today, she sent the first "coast clear" message when she left. I am going to address it tonight.


So you had your DDay and she's still blatantly in the affair. From your other thread you have a non smart phone thru Verizon, so there is NO sim card to read. Sorry, that means you will never be able to retrieve what was texted. 

It also appears she has a toxic friend that is both enabling and facilitating the affair. If you R with her, she must go NC with this toxic friend, who obviously is NOT a friend of the marriage. But that's in the future as this affair isn't over yet by a long shot.

From your other thread, you have some idea who this OM is, since you have seen his resume. What else do you know about OM? Is he married or has a steady girlfriend? Where does he work now? Where does he live? 

It appears that you have the financial means to afford a PI, if you can, hire one ASAP, find out who OM is and his relationship status. 

The fact that your wife can blatantly call her toxic friend or receive calls from OM in your presence shows how much she disrespects you. Why are you not calling her out on this behavior? Why are you allowing her to leave the room and talk to these people when she gets a call from them?

You need to man up and in no uncertain terms, tell her that this behavior is unacceptable and you will not allow it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Now is not the time to "sit her hand and hold her hand tight." Now is the time to tell her she has one chance and one chance only to tell the truth. And if u discover she is lying...all bets are off. Tell her you will not live in an open marriage. She's still having an affair if she's still in contact and sending "coast iis clear" messages. Is this guy married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Be really, really firm that you will not tolerate an open marriage. 

Let her know that it's you and a real commitment or it's divorce.

Hopefully, she loves you enough to snap out of it when confronted directly. I really, really hope this for you.

Good Luck, Voice.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

How did the sit-down go?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

You know the old saying - it never goes as planned? Add one to the list.

Weather bad on date night and kids not feeling well, we almost decided not to go out. But we both needed it and the friend babysitter still was coming so we chose to visit some friends/relatives that live close. She didn't eat before going out and the flow of rum was heavy as the couple who loves to debate kept us going for a bit. We hadn't hung out with them in forever, again cool.

But she started getting angry with me with the drunkenness, typical and I knew it coming, I have seen it many times before. Reiterating our discussion and my vow for better, I stood on a chair infront of everyone and prommised myself to her and our family. We left soon afterwards, her intoxicated and me buzzed.

"Take a right" she said at the stoplight. Home was left. I knew where she wanted to go which was the bar where she meets the guy. The one she goes to when she goes out alone or with the accomplice. In the car, she turns down the radio and says, when you get there, you are going to hear a lot of things. People are going to take you aside and tell you things. You have to know that I have never cheated on you. She proceeded to explain how she would go there and vent, flirt to feel wanted and so forth...

We get there, the karaoke bar that use to be OUR favorite place, and the bouncer gives her a finger off the head like "sup". The waitress is super cool to her and an ass to me. Every eye was on me. We sat and talked some more.

I tried to go into my planned speech. I mentioned that its really good that we are doing this because of my finding and who is the person with the number and whats going on with this person. She named him right away. Called him a confidant. Someone that would listen and so forth. 

Irony that this OM was using the exact same tactic I used to get with my wife 5 years ago. I was her crying shoulder. I would listen while she *****ed. We talked on the phone frequently around her then lazy boyfriend. She had met his mother? I have no idea how or when that happened. She really didnt get into it as she was intoxicated heavily. She explained that it was good friends. I asked why the deleted numbers and texts then and she said she didn't know how'd I react. No crap! 

Well, around that point, someone grabbed the mic and their song happened to be our wedding song, really. I grabbed her hand and said lets dance. Almost as emotional and loving as our first dance too. I could feel all eyes on us. She mentioned the OM wouldn't dance w/ her.

I asked about the accomplice and what she felt in this. She said she was fighting for me the whole time. I've yet to talk to her but need to. I asked who else knows about this guy and she actually told her stepmother who she is very close with. Supposedly she told my wife to be very careful.

My wife said the the OM was too nice and too listening, came off as gay, funny because thats an ongoing joke with us that she thought I was gay before I showed her otherwise. Anyways, she quoted me when I told her that "all men are predators" and recently it was apparent that he wanted more. She claims she never thought of him that way but his suggestions were going there.

She asked me to sing a song for her and our relationship. Bon Jovi's "Ill be there for you" which she loves anyways plus great meaning for what was going on. Even the DJ was sabotaging me telling its a bad version, the words were small... I did it, as I have before and knew it. Wife grinned ear to ear and pulled a chair to the stage and sat front center. My song sucked, smoking two packs a day during the crisis had taken its toll but it still went appreciated.

She promised to call all communication with him off. He reminded her of me when we were dating and now that Im back she doesn't need him plus he want more than she will ever give. I hunted for the tab and paid. Hilarious that the waitress went to check is she was ok... The wife had turned everyone there against me. I helped her into the car, got her home and into bed, thanked my good friend for helping save my marriage and called it a night.

We've talked about it with sober heads since. Yesterday I monitored and there were no calls, no texts either direction. I had to ask her today what her plans were with the guy and she said that she had allready emailed him and told him no more contact. Scares me a scratch that email, great, something I can't monitor. Still, lover her so much and we've been going strong since my change. I'll give her some trust with an eye open.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would have her show you the email 

Voice. Please don't end up In a false R. 

Your tale just sounds too easy. What prompted her to take you to her cheating spot? And as for telling you that she did have sex. Well then what has she been doing? Kissing , Bill Clinton's not sex?

It all sounds too easy. She came clean without prompting. Showed you where she cheats. Introduced you to a waitress who sees you as the OM breaking in on the other guys girl 

She then just like that tells him no more. 

Please don't be a false R. Please don't just smile and rug sweep her having a relationship with another man 

How does she have an email you don't know about?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Her and I have been talking all weekend. From our discussions, when she was threatening divorce and screaming at me to change, she was begging me to give her reasons not to cheat. The last one clicked in me before she did something truly unforgivable.

That is why she took me there. To come clean. She had been wanting to talk to me about it. She's answered every question I had about what was had been going on. No nervousness, no stuttering, no hiding. Im the man she wanted and I wasn't there for a while. I stepped up and pulled her from a very dangerous cliff.

Another reason I believe her so is her offer for me to air our dirty laundry. Her comment is that everyone makes mistakes, most just don't talk about it. Of course Im not but along with how it's been going all week since my change, combined with her need to open and doing so openly, I am willing to give her a scratch of trust earned by this. I will still be guarded and play detective. Maybe check her interweb history or a keystroker on her comp if need be but not yet. 

Instead, Im gonna do my best to claim all her time and energy as my own. Shes not going to have to need to go out by herself of frequently with her friend. Instead, it will be her and I. She will not need a confidant or someone to speak to about our relationship because I will be that person. I will be calling, texting and emailing the living crap out of her. It will make her feel special and it will ease me knowing that she will be thinking of me.

I am putting my hands together in prayer formation and thanking any higher power that my wife has recommitted to me and I have recommitted to myself and us. I have rediscovered myself and our relationship feels new. I honestly feel so lucky that I did something before my wife took that step. I hope that some of you here get as lucky as I did and that you can move forward to a better place with the person you love. Thanks to both threads.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Great to see success on this website. Good luck.

As always trust but verify. If everyone would do this many bad things could be nipped in the bud.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sounds like the mother of all rug sweeps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

this sounds very strange to me

it's as if she found out you were onto her and did some sort of damage control, the fact that she told you NOT to listen to people at the bar is troubling, plus the fact she isn't willing to show you her texts, emails, etc is also NOT good for R


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

Well 'VOICE' I do hope she is being true to stop contact with him and wow how this brings back memories for me. 
But I find the bad thing about this is how that the people at the bar seemed to be at odds with you! That is what I experienced from people my wife worked with at one of her previous places of employment. Which I also found out that some of them were trying to fix her up with dates to help her get away from me. Seems indicative of her doing alot of bad mouthing you? My wife did that as a type of 'innocent little me' as a cover up and to justify her obvious cheating ways to fellow co-workers while on the job.
But for me,my wifes cell phone belongs to our youngest daughter who has access to her calls and texts so I have no clue who she was texting while in ouir basement for long periods of time. Maybe mine is more crafty? lol.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She needs to be full transparent with emails and the phone from now on.

Also what was she thinking they might tell you at the bar? Maybe time for ou to visit the bar yourself, or have someone visit it next time she goes with the OM. This just seems much to contrived.

She wanted you to save her from cheating?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I would let her know that going to the bar breaks NC


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> I would let her know that going to the bar breaks NC


As well as GNOs period. Should only go out as a couple from here on out.

Personally, I think she put on a show. It just sounds like a setup. You said you aren't monitoring the email. The most common affair tools are the secret cell phone and the secret email account. Get software like Web Watcher for the computer, Mobile Spy/Mobiflex for the smart phone if she has one, and a VAR to stick under her car seat or hide in the bedroom/bathroom.

You're doing yourself no favors by going into R and not being able to verify NC has taken hold, much less be able to detect any fishing. Take heed of LostCPAs advice.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/31959-false-recovery.html


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Great to see success on this website. Good luck. As always trust but verify. If everyone would do this many bad things could be nipped in the bud.


Thanks. This is how I am taking it. I will probably end up going through her computer once or twice, don't think she knows how to delete history and I can tell if she does. If she arouses suspicion I will take the next step.



Almostrecovered said:


> this sounds very strange to me. it's as if she found out you were onto her and did some sort of damage control, the fact that she told you NOT to listen to people at the bar is troubling, plus the fact she isn't willing to show you her texts, emails, etc is also NOT good for R


She said that she was a flirt. She might of said it in different wording, I don't remember exactly as my brain had booze and adrenaline pumping through it. There are no texts to show. I didn't ask for the email. If I wanted to see it, she would show me. She's been 100% open. I even got my answer to how she met his mother.

As far as the other comments, I really don't think she had anything to gain by taking me there. That place had been her place to go vent about how miserable she had been. She knew everyone by name. She is a mouthy drunk and I am sure that many a complaint about me had come out and I was neglecting her. Giving any guy ammo. She was tired of the way our relationship was going. She had mentioned the D word a couple times before, in our talks, I told her about her mouthy drunk and I took the mentions of the D word to that. It was the last one, the lie mentioned in the previous thread link, that made me change. She has seen it, loves it and we both don't want to go there again.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I see the denial is strong with you my young padawan. Let me analyze your statements of your night out with your WW and show why you have reason to be wary, and how you swallowed everything she had to say. Besides, it's part of what I do for a living in real life. 

Tacoma is right, sound like the mother of all rug sweeps. 



voice said:


> In the car, she turns down the radio and says, when you get there, you are going to hear a lot of things. People are going to take you aside and tell you things.


So you even get a heads up that people are going to tell you stuff about her. Wow. She must be some character at that bar. For all you know, they could tell you she was giving BJs in the bathroom or parking lot, or dry humping men on their chairs. Did you even ask anyone? Doesn't sound like it.



voice said:


> You have to know that I have never cheated on you. She proceeded to explain how she would go there and vent, flirt to feel wanted and so forth...


And you blindly accepted her statement, right then and there. Uhmmm...do you realize that cheaters lie, right? So she goes there to vent? Vent about what? You? So its okay if she goes to a regular bar, knows everybody by name, and demonizes the sh!t out of you? As if you're some kind of monster? This is mind blowing. On top of that, she goes there and comes on to other men.



voice said:


> We get there, the karaoke bar that use to be OUR favorite place, and the bouncer gives her a finger off the head like "sup". The waitress is super cool to her and an ass to me. Every eye was on me. We sat and talked some more.


It must be so nice that your cheating wife demonized you EVEN to the waitress. I bet every eye was on you. I won't even bother to theorize what they were thinking about you.



voice said:


> I tried to go into my planned speech. I mentioned that its really good that we are doing this because of my finding and who is the person with the number and whats going on with this person. She named him right away. Called him a confidant. Someone that would listen and so forth.


Yes, of course. OM is "just a friend", a friend she texts night and day every day even on weekends, right? And she sees him regularly at this bar while she's talking sh!t about you.



voice said:


> Irony that this OM was using the exact same tactic I used to get with my wife 5 years ago. I was her crying shoulder. I would listen while she *****ed. We talked on the phone frequently around her then lazy boyfriend.


So you were the OM cheating with her on her ex boyfriend, the lazy boyfriend. And now you're the lazy husband. And let me guess: you were agreeing with her while she talked sh!t about her boyfriend at the time. There's an old saying, if they will cheat with you, they will cheat on you. So now the karma bus is making a pit stop at your door. Yes, that is indeed irony.



voice said:


> She had met his mother? I have no idea how or when that happened. She really didnt get into it as she was intoxicated heavily. She explained that it was good friends. I asked why the deleted numbers and texts then and she said she didn't know how'd I react. No crap!


Apparently, this OM was close enough to her that he introduced her to his mother. Still think he's just a friend?



voice said:


> Well, around that point, someone grabbed the mic and their song happened to be our wedding song, really. I grabbed her hand and said lets dance. Almost as emotional and loving as our first dance too. I could feel all eyes on us. She mentioned the OM wouldn't dance w/ her.


Now here is something weird, they're just friends, right? Yet they have a theme song. Someone grabbed the mic and just put it up there with your cheating wife and her friend's song. So OM didn't dance with her, eh? And you bought that? Seriously? So why did "someone" put it up? And then you ended up singing to it. :slap:



voice said:


> I asked about the accomplice and what she felt in this. She said she was fighting for me the whole time.


Really? That's a new one. She has this toxic friend, her bar buddy, the one that enables and facilitates this whole affair, this toxic friend has been fighting for you? And you believe this?



voice said:


> I've yet to talk to her but need to.


Of course, her toxic friend is going to tell you that your cheating wife is just friends with OM and nothing more. And that she's an angel at this bar and would never cheat on you. All from someone you've never met.



voice said:


> I asked who else knows about this guy and she actually told her stepmother who she is very close with. Supposedly she told my wife to be very careful.


And now her stepmother is in on it. Obviously this OM means that much to her that she will confide in her stepmother about him. Of course her stepmother would tell her to be careful not to get caught because you're a monster. See the pattern here? She DEMONIZES you to everyone. And somehow you're okay with that.



voice said:


> My wife said the the OM was too nice and too listening, came off as gay, funny because thats an ongoing joke with us that she thought I was gay before I showed her otherwise. Anyways, she quoted me when I told her that "all men are predators" and recently it was apparent that he wanted more. She claims she never thought of him that way but his suggestions were going there.


Yet another one of the patterns of cheating. It's very common for cheating wives to describe the OM as gay, a jerk, an @sshole, to her betrayed husband. I wonder why.



voice said:


> She promised to call all communication with him off. He reminded her of me when we were dating and now that Im back she doesn't need him plus he want more than she will ever give.


And you believe her of course. This is the phone that you know about. Be aware that cheaters often use pay as you go phone to take their affair underground.



voice said:


> I hunted for the tab and paid. Hilarious that the waitress went to check is she was ok... The wife had turned everyone there against me.


Of course she went to she if your cheating wife was okay, because you are probably described as a violent monster. And yet you somehow found that hilarious?



voice said:


> We've talked about it with sober heads since. Yesterday I monitored and there were no calls, no texts either direction.


No calls/texts on the cell phone that you know about.



voice said:


> I had to ask her today what her plans were with the guy and she said that she had allready emailed him and told him no more contact.


And did you read this NC letter? Did you see her send this NC letter? Of course not, you took her word for it, a very common blunder by the newly betrayed.



voice said:


> Scares me a scratch that email, great, something I can't monitor. Still, lover her so much and we've been going strong since my change. I'll give her some trust with an eye open.


Please explain how you can keep an eye open when you wont install any computer monitoring software or check up on her?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I'm not a tee totaler but I would strongly suggest until she and you get it all ironed out you both lay off the booze. Does not allow for a clear head in decision making and also tends to make an idiot out of us.

From what you wrote your original plan went awry because of your drinking and she went out and got blasted one night and you found the texts. 

The worst decisions I have made have been after I had a few too many.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

The song wasn't theirs. It was our wedding song.
I totally compared the situation to how I got with my wife, before the talk, just from the records. That's what had me so scared. Yes the old cliche was in my mind.
I have instant access to the phone activity online and haven't seen anything.
Meeting the mother wasn't a planned thing but it did bring to my attention that the relationship went beyond the bar.
If I wanted to see the NC letter, she would show me. I can tell by common activity if something is deleted from the internet history. 

I sincerely appreciate the time taken to make such an intricate response and believe me, my guard is still way up. It isn't denial in either party. Shes aware she had an EA even though the words never came out. Im aware that she was deceiving and went into the arms of an OM. Denial of the other things she may of done? If you want to take it at that. It's only been a month according to the phone records and from knowing her then and now, the probability that she did more than what she has admitted is highly unlikely. Possible, sure. Is it possible wools being pulled over my eyes, sure. I'm watching for signs.

Yes the alcohol has to go WAY down, especially in her. The bar is off unless with me. Thats a given.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

voice said:


> I have instant access to the phone activity online and haven't seen anything.


Like I said, you have access to the phone you know. A lot of newly betrayed are confident nothing is going on because they can see their spouses phone activity. Please allow me to post part of a thread from a Cheating Wife support forum where they talk about this very thing.

“That's why he has a pay as you go phone! No bills for W to find - but if ever she got hold of the phone...........! We will be soooooo busted!!!”

“same here...he has several hiding places he keeps it& he'll move it around every so often but really it's only home w/ him on sunday-tuesday. then he's off on the road and doesn't have to worry about it. Except one time he was on his regular phone w/ her..and I called him (normally he has it on vibrate) and it started ringing and she was like "who's phone is that?" and OMG he almost got seriously busted a while back. She was talkin to him on the phone and he had "our' phone laying on his chest..he was lyain down in his bunk on the bus. She said "XX (the kid) wants you to take a picture and send it to him"..so he took a picture of himself...and she calls back and was like "who's phone is that in the pic?" he was like "huh?" looks at it and realizes like an idiot he left the phone on his chest. He said "oh that is XX (band mate), he had to use my charger and I told him it was charged and was waitin for him to get it.." surprisingly she believed him ha! that was a close one...”

“I am sorry you are going through this ....as XXXX said be VERY careful....even if you get a call from his mobile or home nunber...let him speak 1st (tell him that this is what you are doing so he does speak) as she may do a redial or something from HIS phone”

“Dont contact him 1st at any time.... she will be on red alert....and there are so many gadgets out there now to help someone who wants to spy on another person...like putting key loggers on the computer”

“Him phoning you from work on a work line should be a safe way to chat...but for awhile be REALLY careful with texts...if you do send any...keep them 'normal' no love or sexual texts” 

“Good luck I hope it all blows over”

“It may be a good idea for him to have you listed on his phone in a male name not under your name”

“My MM's W went through his old phone and found photos, e-mails and VMs going back years - before me and after me.” 

“He has also had my picture as caller ID - and it was seen a few times before this final phone d-day. Now he has a fingerprint scan locking application on his new phone.” 

“He had no choice but to fess up to everything. We are riding it out - and he is finally being more careful.”




voice said:


> If I wanted to see the NC letter, she would show me. I can tell by common activity if something is deleted from the internet history.


If she would show it to you, why hasn't she? More importantly, why haven't you looked it over. Why are you taking her at her word, especially right now when she has lied to you many times over?



voice said:


> I sincerely appreciate the time taken to make such an intricate response and believe me, my guard is still way up.


Please elaborate by what you mean your guard is up? You're just checking the online phone log. You won't install monitoring software, and you don't have any VARs. This is far too easy for her to take it underground.



voice said:


> It's only been a month according to the phone records and from knowing her then and now, the probability that she did more than what she has admitted is highly unlikely. Possible, sure.


Why would it matter that its only been a month? She goes to this bar, and gets blind stinking drunk, all the while talking the most vile sh!t about you to EVERYONE at the bar...on a regular basis. You never checked on her. How do you know she stays at the bar the whole time? Because she told you? When are you going to get it that you cannot believe a word a WS says at this point unless its backed up by evidence? 



voice said:


> Is it possible wools being pulled over my eyes, sure. I'm watching for signs.


The way you're going about it, it would be far too easy.



voice said:


> Yes the alcohol has to go WAY down, especially in her. The bar is off unless with me. Thats a given.


And that's a boundary that she should never ever break again, if she's serious about wanting to save the marriage.

I just don't know, but it seems to me that she's bored and already looking for your replacement, just like she replaced her ex boyfriend. Even you are suspicious about that. That's why the saying here in CWI is Trust BUT verify.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Voice: try not to be defensive about what is being said , your new to this many of us are not , everything you type about your wife's supposed actions to end the affair rings alams bells , why, because waywards follow the same script and lie , lie and lie . You first step is to understand this , even though you love your wife you have to verify everything . The NC letter she sent and you did not read is a joke, she hand writes a NC letter from a template we give you.

She calls her stepmother with you present and apologises for the affair , since she met his mother track her number down your wife calls her as well with you present and apologises for her adultery. Why are we sounding hash , because your wife is bu%^*#+$g you and you as the betrayed spouse are desperate to believe her .

You cannot trust a wayward even in the future, understand that trust is gone permanently. Your wife openly gaslighted you to all those at the bar , they think your the biggest sh#t out and she never once told them while you were there that she was lying instead she sat back and let them think the worse of you.

My friend, you need to wake up before your marriage is destroyed . You cannot blame anyone else but yourself if this goes wrong as we are telling you what is happening .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, I DLed a keystroke logger and can install it on her laptop. She still has her office comp and I won't have access to it but it's a start. I could gain access to her email pword and view sent, doubt she would delete that.

You know, the biggest doubt/fear I have right now - through it all, is not that it's over between them, I do. It's that the first time things get tough in the house or she's unhappy, she's gonna think of him or the need of someone else to talk to again.

Another thing is that she will need a break from the house at some time and what then? We both agree that she needed new hobbies, something not bar related. I suggested a bowling league, woman only jokingly which she laughed but mentioned later to the friend/accomplice. Maybe they go shoot pool or something. I'm at a loss trying to come up with social non-predator environments to recommend for when she needs a break.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why can't she do stuff with you? How about gardening or knitting as a hobby. Or painting?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Don't forget the var in. Her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Hobby together is much more important
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Totally agree with the togetherness. Im thinking about the times where there isn't a sitter available for the week or whatever and she gets stressed...


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

voice said:


> Totally agree with the togetherness. Im thinking about the times where there isn't a sitter available for the week or whatever and she gets stressed...


Does that happen a lot?


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## zsu234 (Oct 25, 2010)

If you don't strap her ass to a polygraph you're one of the biggest suckers on this site. Dude, she boned the guy, absolutely no doubt about it. I can see you're one of those guys that needs a piano falling on their head.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Piano's on the way....

I need some quick advice.

I extended the olive branch and allowed her and the accomplice to go what was suppose to be dinner, a few drinks and then home. Didn't happen that way.

She made her way back to the bar now famous in the thread. She stayed out way late. She came home angry at me. We fought. She was pissed I talked to the accomplice, saying she told me not to talk to her about it, which she didn't.

Today I checked and there is one message each way, instigated by her to the OM, near the end of the evening. Do I call her out on it now, reveling my resource or now continue to collect evidence for total blowup?

Part of her problem is that she doesn't want to admit that she is in an EA, now where I was hopeful it wasn't a PA, I can't be sure anymore.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Pack her sh*t and put it on the front lawn and let her know that you'll be happy to work on the marriage when:
1 - She has disclosed the full truth of the affair
2 - She goes NC with OM AND TF with a verifiable letter that you see
3 - She becomes transparent, and commits herself fully to working the marriage. 

No need to reveal your sources. Time to work on yourself, until she recommits to the marriage. Oh yea, cut her off financially while she is gone. She must pay her own way.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Revealing your sources to her wont pull her from the fog, just make it go deeper underground.

Only REAL consequences will possibly pull her from the FOG.


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

The arguement is going to bring in that I know that she texted or more to him last night which will bring out the source.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

V: You don't have to argue.

You just put your boundaries down by saying that you won't live in an open marriage. Let her know that you know there is someone else (DO NOT REVEAL YOUR SOURCE NO MATTER WHAT) and your marriage can't improve while he (and her toxic friend) are involved. Outline the steps, help her pack her stuff and wish her well. Let her know you will be glad to have her back when she shows transparency and full disclosure on the whole thing. She's stabbing you in the back man!


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She got drunk and supposedly came clean. Then days later she returns to the same crap as before,contacting him, getting drunk, getting angry.

You really should have shown up there last night after she had time to really settle in. It s unacceptable for a spouse to have a play centre where she goes to get drink, text and whatever the OM, and get egged on/supported by toxic friends.

Do you have any friends tat she doesn't kne that you can send to the bar on short notice to catch her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Shag: Good points. IMHO, Voice should just put his boundaries down and tell her to leave until she is ready to get REAL with him. Sometimes, too much precious time is lost waiting to catch them in the act of cheating, when a stand on the personal and marital boundaries is enough when confronted with the substantial amount of circumstantial evidence.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife seems to have anger which comes out at you when she drinks. She did iron the weekend and last night.

I'm betting that last night once she was nice and safe in her bar with the toxic friend, the TF called her out for taking you there and convinced her you are being controlling and unreasonable. You are keeping her from her true love? The call was to reconnect with him because she was in her rights to do it!

Clearly the TF is no friend of your marriage and is an enabler of the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

voice said:


> Piano's on the way....
> 
> I need some quick advice.
> 
> ...


So pardon me for being a jerk - but do you usually allow your wife to go out on dates with other men? Not sure why you are upset that she decided to stay out late and have fun with him. That is what people do on dates.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

voice said:


> Yes the alcohol has to go WAY down, especially in her. The bar is off unless with me. Thats a given.


So what happened to this? 

Wash, rinse repeat. I told you so. So she did it again, and on top of that, she has the NERVE to come home angry at you? Seriously? Why are you putting up with her sh!t? Why isn't her clothes lying all over the lawn or her bags packed? Do you have even a shred of respect for yourself?



voice said:


> I extended the olive branch and allowed her and the accomplice to go what was suppose to be dinner, a few drinks and then home. Didn't happen that way..


Do you regularly allow her to go to dinner with her Toxic Friend (TF) instead of you? After what has just happened, you allowed this? Don't you two eat dinner together? Why does she have to dinner with her TF instead of you? What were you doing? Staying home and playing the good, subservient, beta male taking care of the kiddies. You had better man up and start protecting your marriage, because no one's going to do it for you.

How much more pain do you need before your eyes are opened?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

voice said:


> Piano's on the way....
> 
> I need some quick advice.
> 
> ...




Why did you let her go?

Why did you argue with a drunk? 

Who/what was she really pissed about?

One message out, one message in, rest of the time they were together, at least thats what I would bet.

As in "I'm at the bar" Then "I'll be there in a minute." Turns into late night drunk.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

chapparal said:


> One message out, one message in, rest of the time they were together, at least thats what I would bet.
> 
> As in "I'm at the bar" Then "I'll be there in a minute." Turns into late night drunk.


Probably more than that. TF just provided the alibi, that's all, for rendezvous with the OM.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Any updates Voice?

You've been a bit quiet lately.....


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Well, hello. Almost a year to the date, eerie.

Im gonna hold off for a bit since I still have legal stuff holding on but it happened again.. sadface.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

So sorry man.
What's you plan?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

With the no strong arming and more being a nice guy, I can't say I'm surprised at this outcome. 

What happened?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you ever read Married Man Sex Life?


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## voice (Oct 25, 2011)

Again with legal actions pending I don't want to get too into it incase it's searched and found as it kinda unique.

I have good evidence of the cheating. More than what she knows. But I have brought it up in the sep agreement and talks. We're working on the separation agreement now but if I cant get the minimum of what I want kid custody wise I will be suing for adultery.


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