# Need some feedback...



## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

I'm a 29 year-old guy. I met my ex-fiance Sara (she's 24 now) in April of 2008. Was kind of a love at first site thing...we were inseparable and within 3 months, engaged. I pulled out all the stops...Tiffany rings, non-stop flowers and love letters, always doing things around the house without being asked, cooking dinner, etc...not like every day or anything overboard, but every so often, a surprise even after the initial cheesy craziness of our relationship had started to wear off. Because I didn't want to ever take her for granted or make her think she wasn't my #1 priority.

It still didn't work apparently. She moved in with me a little over a year ago and things started to not work I guess...slowly, but surely to the point where about two months ago she told me she was moving back out. I got the ever so classic "I love you but don't think I'm in love with you anymore" line...and the "you are the perfect man and my best friend (because really, I did treat her like a princess...maybe I spoiled her rotten?)...I just don't know if I can give you what you deserve". So we lived in limbo for over a month where even the great little things we had always done together...walks in the park, watching movies together, and then eventually even sleeping together...she phased those all out of our lives. I tried everything to try and clarify what this moving out meant...to establish some guidelines or to figure out even if it was worth "taking a break"...maybe it was just better to end it now. I've always told here, when it ends, it ends...I will not be your friend, I will not be that person who has always been there for you, it is too hard on me. I'm either the man in your life or not.

So it's been a couple weeks and ****...I don't even know what is going on, what this is. I want to be with her still...I'm not sure if that means I'm being co-dependent, I just can't get over how perfect we used to be and why she wont let me into her life. She won't break up with me, I'm sure she's afraid to end it. I stopped talking to her a lot when she moved out because I figured we needed our space, but then she accused me of trying to build walls. So I start to talk with her and get the shortest, most disinterested answers and frankly, I'm the only one making any initiative to have interest in what the other person is doing. She has stopped letting me in on her life, period. Then she tells me I need to stop talking to her so much and stop telling her that I love her and that she needs her space. 

I am naive and being led on a string by a manipulative girl who would rather drag this out slowly and keep me around as a fall-back option instead of really trying to work things out with me? Am I blinded by the intense feelings of love I have for her? Or is she really just confused and overwhelmed with life and in a way just not capable of dealing with it in a way that satisfies my own selfish desires? I'm torn between ending it and moving on and continuing to stay true to what I believe in (her...and us...and all the wonderful things we had), even though it is tearing my heart to shreds every single day.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

First off stop telling her you love her, etc. That only pushes them away further. Give her space. You need to start living for you again. Only you can make you happy. What did she do for you? I'm not being mean, but all I heard is what you did for her. 

The tough part is that you are still infatuated with her -- the high of love. True love is tough and is work. 

But really take a step back and think about what has she done for you. I would avoid all contact with her. I know it is hard, but it will show her you can survivie without her. That is something you must do.

Just my thoughts.


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Quick addition that probably explains things a lot more clearly...she's been in a lot of serious relationships. Not to the engaged level she was with me, but live-in type relationships. She also however tries to come across as very strong and independent (raised by a struggling single mom). She's still trying to sort out school and has changed her major twice since I've known her. She has a tendency to "quit" when things become hard in my opinion. And she always wants things to be "natural"...I think that's why the passion faded...to me, after a certain period, you have to "work" at keeping passion and sex and all those things in your relationship. I'd always try to set the mood, to offer to take her out on romantic dinners or get rid of the dog for a night so we could really not have any worries but each other. Yet she considered these things forced.

I believe she fell so hard for me because I'm always willing to be there and to do things for her when things get tough. To counsel, help, devote my time...anything to relieve her stress and pressure from school or work or anything.

Part of me thinks she's kinda quitting our relationship because things got hard...and part of me also thinks she's maybe trying to test herself to make sure she can walk and function on her own again. And if that's the case, I know I need to let her. But I just don't get how you can just ignore the most important person in your life, to treat them like they don't exist, during this process. It just doesn't seem right to me to give somebody your heart, then say..."well, i need to check things out now, make sure there's nothing better for me out there". Again, am I being unrealistic and dependent?


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> First off stop telling her you love her, etc. That only pushes them away further. Give her space. You need to start living for you again. Only you can make you happy. What did she do for you? I'm not being mean, but all I heard is what you did for her.
> 
> The tough part is that you are still infatuated with her -- the high of love. True love is tough and is work.
> 
> ...


Good points. They all seem very rational right now. I'm doing pretty good actually, I just suffer from those vulnerable moments late at night when I'm in my empty place...I need to do a better job of keeping those in check. 

I know that "I did this and I did that" is symptomatic of co-dependency and I definitely can see there was probably some of that going on. It was kind of sneaky because for the most part, she was always the one who wanted more of me and my time and I guess I fell into the trap of giving it to her...and getting used to doing it at that. Maybe just one of those things which I have learned from this process...if a woman wants more of you, don't always give it to her, no matter how much she pleads and begs and whines and makes advances. Hah...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The first few years are the usually the easiest....the butterflies are there, you think they do the "cutest" things, etc. After that, like FA says, the work begins! Life is stressful and not fun many times...you have bad days and take it out on each other. This is normal.

Backing off will help you gain some sanity and peace. It will also allow you to reevaluate your relationship. Neverthemind that is will also keep you from being manipulated by her. It seems that she loves you enough to keep you waiting in the wings. You don't need to be 2nd fiddle in her life. Set up your boundaries and develop a backbone. You will appear more attractive to her if you do.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

That is the spirit. I suggest looking at yourelf. How have you been in other relationships prior to this? Did you do the same things as you have in this one? Obviously they all ended for some reason.

I'm just probing here.


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Corpuswife said:


> The first few years are the usually the easiest....the butterflies are there, you think they do the "cutest" things, etc. After that, like FA says, the work begins! Life is stressful and not fun many times...you have bad days and take it out on each other. This is normal.
> 
> Backing off will help you gain some sanity and peace. It will also allow you to reevaluate your relationship. Neverthemind that is will also keep you from being manipulated by her. It seems that she loves you enough to keep you waiting in the wings. You don't need to be 2nd fiddle in her life. Set up your boundaries and develop a backbone. You will appear more attractive to her if you do.


Christ you all our quick on the trigger here...it's kinda nice, I figured out be waiting around for a while for input 

No, that makes sense. It's kinda been like the second I start to really break away she'll pop up and say something...nothing like "I want to be back with you" but just enough that I feel like I have to communicate with her. And it probably destroys whatever foundation I am trying to build on my own.


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Feelingalone said:


> That is the spirit. I suggest looking at yourelf. How have you been in other relationships prior to this? Did you do the same things as you have in this one? Obviously they all ended for some reason.
> 
> I'm just probing here.


Only really been in two other serious relationships. First one was in college and she transferred. Wasn't much I could do and I told her I couldn't do the long-distance thing. Second one I was cheated on and ended it right there.

I don't think either experience helps me much here, unfortunately, just going to have to deal with it and learn from it.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Well when I'm on, I'm on. Well it seems you became co-dependent on her that is for sure. You might have tendencies with her which are part of the Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, but not too much since you ended a prior due to the other's cheating.

As best you can don't respond to the little surprise contacts she is making at times. Hard to do I know, but just remember, she is the one who said I'm not in love with you. Might remind her of that the next time she "pops" in.


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

Yeah I think it's safe to say her strong feelings for me initially and just the way she makes me feel induced some hidden co-dependent issues. I know I need to take this time to deal with them. I will give her this much - she was the one who canceled the engagement (I mean it was mutual but she brought it up)...and at this point, thank god we are not married.

Thanks for the support, sometimes you know it your head what is the smart and healthy thing to do but it makes more impact when it comes from an outside source.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

That is what this forum is all about - support. Also to let you rant and vent when needed.


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## JoLoPe (Oct 16, 2009)

rcjhKU1988 said:


> I'm a 29 year-old guy. I met my ex-fiance Sara (she's 24 now) in April of 2008. ...
> I am naive and being led on a string by a manipulative girl who would rather drag this out slowly and keep me around as a fall-back option instead of really trying to work things out with me? Am I blinded by the intense feelings of love I have for her? Or is she really just confused and overwhelmed with life and in a way just not capable of dealing with it in a way that satisfies my own selfish desires? I'm torn between ending it and moving on and continuing to stay true to what I believe in (her...and us...and all the wonderful things we had), even though it is tearing my heart to shreds every single day.


Here is something for your consideration:

There are some people who get into relationships and focus on the other person...they are very attentive. There are others who get into a relationship, and at first appear to enjoy the relationship with the other type of person, appearing very much to be on the same page until, that is, they become comfortable in the relationship. The more comfortable they become the less likely they are to outwardly appreciate the attentive characteristics of their mate.

Sounds odd? Well, opposites do attract. 

The thing is - the less that your partner wants you to give what you have given, the more likely you are to want to give more, thinking somehow that it might fix things.

There is not so much something that needs to be fixed, as much as an understanding of the different types of personalities, and knowing how to work with them. Odds are probably pretty good you have met other women like her, and she has met other men like you. 

Whether or not you remain together, it is important to understand yourself and your type so that you know what to expect in your "opposite" and how best to interact with her. If you don't, you will be likely to have similar situations - with her (should you get back together) or with others (should you not).

Having said that, you seem incredibly focused on her, and I don't hear much about you, other than you want her, and what you have done for her, and how selfish you are - in relation to her.

I know you want to make an "absolute" statement about the situation, however, if you can make a choice to have some flexibility in this situation, it might be beneficial.

At the moment you sound more victimized than making a choice. You could choose to give her some space, and at the same time get more clarity around yourself. In the end, the space could lead to an end (or not). However, if it led to an end, you'd be in a better place for getting to know, and understand, yourself in the process.

Being here and asking questions is a _start_...just be careful where those fingers of yours point.


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## rcjhKU1988 (Oct 15, 2009)

No, no...I understand that this time is about me, not her. If I don't work on myself and understand the type of person I am and how I interact with others, we'll never work together and we'll be prone to ending up in the exact same situations.

I think you nailed it as far as previously in this relationship when I felt like things were detoriating I tended to try to do even more, thinking it might fix it. I understand now that a lot of times, less is more. Less being around each other, less wondering what the other person is doing all the time can equal more in terms of a relationship. 

It's just a lot harder in practice for the type of person I am than on paper. I struggle still with the feeling like the only way we'll ever work is if I can learn to get over her. That the only way she'll come back to me is if she sees me not giving a rip about her anymore and just doing my own thing. I understand the concept; that space is needed and as a man, she needs to see strength in me again...the happy, independent guy I was when we first met. And that finding that person again isn't about "getting her back" but getting myself back. It just is difficult at times to balance at the moment.


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