# Wife mentally/emotionally abuses me



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

Hello,

Thanks for taking the time to read this and offer me any words of wisdom you may have. We've been married for ten years and have three kids. There are many things to cover. I will do my best to relay them here.

She continuously talks down to me like I'm a child or stupid. Whenever I call her out on it she gets angry and says that I am nit picking and analyzing everthing she says and does or trying to start a fight with her. I'm to the point now that I am on edge around her and feel stupid and unworthy. Here's an example from last night:

She was loading her vehicle up with stuff, pointed to the back door and said "can you open this?". I took my opener out and hit the button for the back door to auto-open. A few minutes later she tried opening a side door and it was locked. She yells, "What's going on here, I asked you to open this!!" I reply, "You pointed to the door and said 'open this' so I thought you wanted the back door open". She yells,"NO, how can I get in here if it's locked?!!" I reply "Why didn't you say unlock the doors then?" She screams "Why do you have to be such a control freak??!! I'm working here! I'M WORKING HERE!!!". I walk away mad and defeated. An hour later she acts like nothing ever happened.

We saw a town garage sale in a subdivision so I turn into it and read the sign that says FRI and SAT. This was Thursday, by the way. She notoriously goes to these town sales a day early as they are setting up and will let her buy stuff. I ask her, Do you want me to continue through or turn around?". She says "The sign says friday..why would I stay, it's common sense!". I said "I don't care, it's not about me I was asking if YOU wanted to stay". She replies "It's so frustrating with you, sometimes you don't use common sense"! So, I got mad and then she gets mad at me for getting mad. She then says "since you don't like things about me and I don't like things about you maybe we shouldn't be married". I bite my tongue and don't say a word. An hour later it's as though nothing happened.

There are many more of those episodes that I could bring up but I think you get the picture.

Intimacy: 95% of the time I am the one to initiate. When she does initiate, it's not sensual, almost like it's a job. She doesn't kiss me, etc. I almost feel like she is keeping an invisible wall between us and stays as far away from me as possible. I ask her if she's attracted to me and shes says yes. She eventually gets mad at me for being too insecure. She doesn't act interested in me or attracted to me whatsover.

She has become obsessed with Facebook and her phone. She ignores me most of the time while on her phone. If I say something than she gets mad and calls me a control freak. I just want to spend quality time whenever possible. Many times she starts on her phone at 5:30 am. She's not secretive and never hides her phone. She keeps Facebook logged in all the time and never acts weird if I happen to look at her account. There's no weird texting going on either as I have been checking the cell phone activity online.

There is a lot more that I can elaborate on in the future. She has me feeling that I am the one causing all the problems even though I know it's not true. I have suggested marriage counseling before. She said "you can go if you want to, I'm not going".

Any words of wisdom, please? I am not happy but yet I love her so much. I cling to every little bit of attention she may give me. I love her and I love our family. I don't want to leave but sometimes I do.


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

MC would be a step in the right direction. Maybe a third party involved would help. This way she has no choice but to answer for her behavior. But I am sure behind her tone with you is some real resentment. Good luck.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

Thanks for the reply richie33. The only resentment she can truly have is when I call her out after she treats me like crap.

I've always been a good husband, very attentive. I give her a nice massage almost every night to help her fall asleep. I'm always doting on her. I only complain when I'm being treated badly or being ignored.

Sometimes I wonder if she has multiple personality disorder. The way she acts like it's nothing to belittle me and then an hour later act like nothing happened. Has anyone had any experience with that?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Tiny, welcome to the TAM forum. I'm sorry to hear that you are being verbally abused by your W.


Tinybubbles said:


> Sometimes I wonder if she has multiple personality disorder.


That is a possibility, Tiny. The prevalence of Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously called "Multiple Personality Disorder") is variously estimated at 1% to 3% of the general population. Yet, when a spouse feels like he's living with someone having DID, it is much more likely that his spouse has strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), which has a prevalence of 6%. Dissociation is one of the defining behavioral traits for BPD and some psychologists believe DID is actually a sub-type of BPD.

The reason BPDers are so easily mistaken for DIDers is that BPDers typically will flip between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) in only ten seconds. And they will flip back again just as quickly. This flipping between polar extremes occurs because BPDers have such weak egos that they cannot tolerate the in-between grey areas of interpersonal relationships. 

That is, they are extremely uncomfortable with uncertainties, ambiguities, strong mixed feelings, and other grey areas. This is why BPDers generally categorize everyone (including themselves) as "all good" or "all bad" -- and will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor comment that triggers their fears. This distorted perception of other people is called "black-white thinking" (a form of "splitting"). It therefore is common for a BPDer to verbally abuse her H for several hours and then, in only a few seconds, switch to being caring and attentive. 

This transition happens so quickly that it will seem like she has flipped a switch in her head -- the very same type of behavior you're describing. BPDers are able to do this so rapidly because they put the conflicting feelings out of reach of their conscious minds. Hence, while a BPDer is hating you (i.e., "splitting you black"), her conscious mind is completely out of touch with the loving feelings she has toward you.

Of course, only a professional can diagnose your W. I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself _-- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and the kids are dealing with. When BPD is a possibility, it is important to see your own psychologist without having your W along. I say this because therapists generally are loath to tell a BPDer -- much less tell her H -- the name of her disorder (for her own protection). Hence, your best chance of obtaining candid advice, whenever BPD is a strong possibility, is to see a therapist who is ethically bound to protect only your best interests, not hers.

I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psychologist, you read about BPD symptoms to see if most of them sound very familiar. An easy place to start reading is my list of red flags in *18 BPD Warning Signs*. If most of those signs sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them in *Maybe's Thread*. If that description rings some bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you. Take care, Tiny.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

My ex is that way.

Very typically, she would talk to me and then say "were you listening? What did I say?" 

I would try to repeat back to her what she said, but invariably if I got ANYTHING slightly off, she would say "I knew you weren't listening! This is what I said..........!"

This would go on all the time. We would get into huge arguments over the most ridiculous things. I would go out to get fast food, bring it back and she would start an argument that I didn't get EXACTLY what she wanted, or what I should have known she wanted, like "you know I always like that!" and I would say: "no, you never told me that!" and then it would escalate from there.

Believe it or not, I loved her too.

But that's why she's my ex.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In her moments of clarity, she would admit she was abusive and admit she was 90% of our relationship problems.

Bubbles does she ever admit this? It sounds like your wife isn't quite as bad as my ex.

I hope so. I hope you can work this out.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Unfortunately you choose poorly just like I did. Maybe it was her looks, great sex or something else but ultimately people like your wife tend to be amazing actors and will keep the worse of their personalities hidden until you make the mistake of having children with them. Now I'm not saying your kids are mistakes, far from it. Your mistake was not doing due diligence and really researching her properly on every facet and just followed your penis. 

So now that the harsh truth has been said, what do you do now? That's up to you but don't let anybody guilt you into wasting your life with something that would take decades to correct. Regardless of your decision, I recommend at a minimum that you consult an attorney and develop an exit plan. Just remember that just because you have a penis doesn't mean you have to be destroyed emotionally and financially.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tinybubbles said:


> Thanks for the reply richie33. The only resentment she can truly have is when I call her out after she treats me like crap.


That's where you're wrong. She resents you for being weak and a Nice Guy - for putting up with her crap. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and then read Married Man Sex Life Primer. Learn how to lead your family. Learn how to enact consequences for her bad behavior. Show her you won't put up with it. You'll be surprised how much she wants you then.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

Thanks for all the input. I have a lot ahead of me. Turnera, how can she resent me for being a nice guy? I am going to look into those books you suggested.

Uptown, she does match some of the warning signs but not all.

Jorgegene, no she never admits to ever being wrong. She will never apologize either.

Sanity, I know I chose poorly. Some red flags even came up before we were married! I really fell hard for her in the beginning.

Oghathornvx, thanks! I have a long road ahead!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

A woman biologically seeks out a man who will be her protector, provider, strong, silent, confident, loving, complete. She NEVER wants a man who will kiss her ass to keep the peace. It goes back to caveman days; it's imprinted on us, in our DNA. We NEED STRONG MEN. Every time you back down to keep her from being upset with you, you piss her off a little bit more. Resentment sets in. Maybe she enjoyed you kissing her ass when you were dating because then nothing was at stake. But once you move in together or marry, it becomes SERIOUS. You have to become that strong, silent, confident man who refuses to take her crap.


----------



## JWTBL (May 28, 2014)

wow, finally, a response that I can relate to. I am always reading about emotionally abusive wives, which, after reading the description, makes me think, wow, that's me (the emotionally abusive wife). But the above comment really hits it on the head - I never felt protected or safe around my ex husband. He was so busy trying to figure out how to please me, because he was terrified of making me angry and winding up being alone. However, the more he looked for validation from me, the more annoying he became. I needed someone who was his own person, who knew who he was, a person with convictions and "true grit". Not a wishy washy person who was always trying to please others so they would like him, when he didn't even like himself. He went from telling me he loved me, how life wouldn't have any meaning without me, calling or texting me constantly, to the point where I could hardly even keep a thought in my head , and constantly wanting sex or making innuendoes and where I couldn't even get undressed or touch him without him wanting to have sex. The more needy he became, the more I drew away. And I did talk about getting a divorce, because it seemed like his neediness was bottomless, and he was looking to me to somehow solve his shortcomings, and whenever anything went wrong in his life, it was always somehow my fault. He would rely on me to make decisions about his life or work or whatever, and then when it didn't work out how he wanted, it was my, or someone else's fault.
So, when people talk about how witchy or mean their spouse is, maybe they should look at their own behavior to see if there is a connection. Marriage is a two way street. My ex actually had a list of all the qualities he was looking for in a woman, and said I fit almost all of them when we met. So of course he was eventually disappointed when I turned out to be me, not some made-up version of who he wanted me to be. He didn't love me, he loved the version of me he had in his head, which I could never live up to.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> A woman biologically seeks out a man who will be her protector, provider, strong, silent, confident, loving, complete. She NEVER wants a man who will kiss her ass to keep the peace. It goes back to caveman days; it's imprinted on us, in our DNA. We NEED STRONG MEN. Every time you back down to keep her from being upset with you, you piss her off a little bit more. Resentment sets in. Maybe she enjoyed you kissing her ass when you were dating because then nothing was at stake. But once you move in together or marry, it becomes SERIOUS. You have to become that strong, silent, confident man who refuses to take her crap.


Turnera,

That is all well and good but what is a man to do that exerts his "manliness" in a man hating society that calls it abuse and can even get a man arrested if he dares says no to an unreasonable, emotional request. 

Please tell me that not how women really work. From your description men should treat woman like children instead of grown adults. Please tell me that's just not the case. I want a partnership with a loving female and not play games and cause a huge blowup because I forgot to take out the trash one time out of 10,000.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

JWTBL said:


> wow, finally, a response that I can relate to. I am always reading about emotionally abusive wives, which, after reading the description, makes me think, wow, that's me (the emotionally abusive wife). But the above comment really hits it on the head - I never felt protected or safe around my ex husband. He was so busy trying to figure out how to please me, because he was terrified of making me angry and winding up being alone. However, the more he looked for validation from me, the more annoying he became. I needed someone who was his own person, who knew who he was, a person with convictions and "true grit". Not a wishy washy person who was always trying to please others so they would like him, when he didn't even like himself. He went from telling me he loved me, how life wouldn't have any meaning without me, calling or texting me constantly, to the point where I could hardly even keep a thought in my head , and constantly wanting sex or making innuendoes and where I couldn't even get undressed or touch him without him wanting to have sex. The more needy he became, the more I drew away. And I did talk about getting a divorce, because it seemed like his neediness was bottomless, and he was looking to me to somehow solve his shortcomings, and whenever anything went wrong in his life, it was always somehow my fault. He would rely on me to make decisions about his life or work or whatever, and then when it didn't work out how he wanted, it was my, or someone else's fault.
> So, when people talk about how witchy or mean their spouse is, maybe they should look at their own behavior to see if there is a connection. Marriage is a two way street. My ex actually had a list of all the qualities he was looking for in a woman, and said I fit almost all of them when we met. So of course he was eventually disappointed when I turned out to be me, not some made-up version of who he wanted me to be. He didn't love me, he loved the version of me he had in his head, which I could never live up to.


I don't know if this applies to your ex husband but did you ever communicate these issues directly and respectfully? 

When a woman becomes a constant game of jeopardy with the game rules constantly changing and daily double moving daily, you can't blame a man for either getting tired of the games and playing it "safe". 

In the end, you want a man to "lead" well them move out of the way and follow. You want a man do to something specific then ask nicely. You want a man to look like a greek god and still have a job then marry a personal trainer.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Turnera,
> 
> That is all well and good but what is a man to do that exerts his "manliness" in a man hating society that calls it abuse and can even get a man arrested if he dares says no to an unreasonable, emotional request.
> 
> Please tell me that not how women really work. From your description men should treat woman like children instead of grown adults. Please tell me that's just not the case. I want a partnership with a loving female and not play games and cause a huge blowup because I forgot to take out the trash one time out of 10,000.


WTH are you talking about? Why is it you men hear be 'manly' and you think we mean beat your chest and yell and shove?

An alpha male will not tolerate abuse, he leaves when he is treated wrong or gently sets her straight, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't get his feelings hurt, he plays no games but takes no ****, and he teaches her that if she TRIES to cause a blowup the only thing that happens is it blows up in her face.

Go read some Western novels and you'll see the man we're waiting for.

And fwiw, there's more trouble today with hate against women than hate against men. http://www.npr.org/2014/05/27/316452303/a-killers-manifesto-reveals-wide-reach-of-misogyny-online


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Turnera,
> 
> That is all well and good but what is a man to do that exerts his "manliness" in a man hating society that calls it abuse and can even get a man arrested if he dares says no to an unreasonable, emotional request.
> 
> Please tell me that not how women really work. From your description men should treat woman like children instead of grown adults. Please tell me that's just not the case. I want a partnership with a loving female and not play games and cause a huge blowup because I forgot to take out the trash one time out of 10,000.


What exactly is it that you think a manly man would do that would be called abuse and even get him arrested?


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> WTH are you talking about? Why is it you men hear be 'manly' and you think we mean beat your chest and yell and shove?
> 
> An alpha male will not tolerate abuse, he leaves when he is treated wrong or gently sets her straight, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't get his feelings hurt, he plays no games but takes no ****, and he teaches her that if she TRIES to cause a blowup the only thing that happens is it blows up in her face.
> 
> Go read some Western novels and you'll see the man we're waiting for.


Believe it or not men have feelings too. Why are we responsible for another person's behavior? Is there no expectation of mutual respect?


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What exactly is it that you think a manly man would do that would be called abuse and even get him arrested?


Well I will give you one example out of many. Woman yells at husband, he tells her to calm down like an adult, she rages and gets louder, he leaves for a few hours to avoid the harassment and comes back when things cool down. Man opens door and she's waiting still pissed because he decided to not put up with her crap. He ignores her behavior, showers and goes to bed. She is still pissed and won't let go and won't let the man sleep even though he has to wake up at 6am to go to work. 

Now rinse and repeat this for years and one day the man tired of dealing with his wife's childish temper tantrum tells her to STFU and go away. Disrespectful? of course but what is a man to do when somebody will not stop causing constant drama over petty things. She explodes and slaps him and he holds her down. She calls cops and they throw him in jail because "he is manly". Get it now?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Believe it or not men have feelings too. Why are we responsible for another person's behavior? Is there no expectation of mutual respect?


Who said you didn't? And if you pay attention, you'd realize that once you set your standards, THE WOMAN RESPONDS and WANTS to meet your needs and provide mutual respect.

Have you even read NMMNG yet?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sanity said:


> Well I will give you one example out of many. Woman yells at husband, he tells her to calm down like an adult, she rages and gets louder, he leaves for a few hours to avoid the harassment and comes back when things cool down. Man opens door and she's waiting still pissed because he decided to not put up with her crap. He ignores her behavior, showers and goes to bed. She is still pissed and won't let go and won't let the man sleep even though he has to wake up at 6am to go to work.


And right there, he should have nipped it in the bud. If someone raises their voice to you, you leave the room. if they continue, you leave the house. If they continue, you stay at a hotel. If they continue, you bring in a professional.

In YOUR example, you continue to accept sh*tty behavior for YEARS until you break. Why would that work?


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

turnera said:


> Who said you didn't? And if you pay attention, you'd realize that once you set your standards, THE WOMAN RESPONDS and WANTS to meet your needs and provide mutual respect.
> 
> Have you even read NMMNG yet?


NMMNG does not help in chronically abusive, bipolar or other mental illness affected marriages. In fact I think with some people it can outright get you killed.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> What exactly is it that you think a manly man would do that would be called abuse and even get him arrested?





Sanity said:


> Well I will give you one example out of many. Woman yells at husband, he tells her to calm down like an adult, she rages and gets louder, he leaves for a few hours to avoid the harassment and comes back when things cool down. Man opens door and she's waiting still pissed because he decided to not put up with her crap. He ignores her behavior, showers and goes to bed. She is still pissed and won't let go and won't let the man sleep even though he has to wake up at 6am to go to work.
> 
> Now rinse and repeat this for years and one day the man tired of dealing with his wife's childish temper tantrum tells her to STFU and go away. Disrespectful? of course but what is a man to do when somebody will not stop causing constant drama over petty things. She explodes and slaps him and he holds her down. She calls cops and they throw him in jail because "he is manly". Get it now?


You see the entire scenario you just gave sounds like what my ex used to do to me, the yelling, name calling, keeping me up at night to rant an dyell. And yes the slapping and hitting too. I mean him slapping and hitting me, not the other way around. (Keep in mind as a man he was a lot bigger and stronger than me as well. IT was not some girly slap, push, shove or arm twist.)And no I did not respond by pinning him down. I have no clue why you think this sort of thing only happens to men and thus men are such victims.

Where I live, if she called the cops they would have both been charged with domestic violence. Not just him. Here both are charged and both are ordered to go to anger management.

What you describe is not him being oh so manly. If a woman treats her husband that badly, the right thing to do is get away from her and divorce her. It’s a volatile situation and he is behaving like a victim if he continues to allow himself to be treated like that.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sanity said:


> NMMNG does not help in chronically abusive, bipolar or other mental illness affected marriages. In fact I think with some people it can outright get you killed.


So the solution is to not stay in a "chronically abusive, bipolar or other mental illness affected marriages. "



turnera said:


> And right there, he should have nipped it in the bud. If someone raises their voice to you, you leave the room. if they continue, you leave the house. If they continue, you stay at a hotel. If they continue, you bring in a professional.
> 
> In YOUR example, you continue to accept sh*tty behavior for YEARS until you break. Why would that work?


:iagree: That’s what you do from day one.


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> You see the entire scenario you just gave sounds like what my ex used to do to me, the yelling, name calling, keeping me up at night to rant an dyell. And yes the slapping and hitting too. I mean him slapping and hitting me, not the other way around. (Keep in mind as a man he was a lot bigger and stronger than me as well. IT was not some girly slap, push, shove or arm twist.)And no I did not respond by pinning him down. I have no clue why you think this sort of thing only happens to men and thus men are such victims.
> 
> Where I live, if she called the cops they would have both been charged with domestic violence. Not just him. Here both are charged and both are ordered to go to anger management.
> 
> What you describe is not him being oh so manly. If a woman treats her husband that badly, the right thing to do is get away from her and divorce her. It’s a volatile situation and he is behaving like a victim if he continues to allow himself to be treated like that.


Abuse is wrong regardless of gender. Statistics show that men being abused is not uncommon. I simply am showing examples based on the OP's situation.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're trying to prove that men can't win. That they are always victims. That the deck is stacked against them. We get it. Doesn't make it true.


----------



## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I looked at the Married Mans Primer's author's website. (Athol Kay) I don't know if I can take advice from a guy that looks like Vince Masuka from Dexter.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Abuse is wrong regardless of gender. Statistics show that men being abused is not uncommon. I simply am showing examples based on the OP's situation.


At some point, when an abused person remains in an abusive situation they become a participant in the abuse.

In the situation you gave, the guy stayed for years of abuse. He's not a victim anymore. There are many things he could have done to get away from her.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Tinybubbles said:


> So, I got mad and then she gets mad at me for getting mad. She then says "since you don't like things about me and I don't like things about you maybe we shouldn't be married". I bite my tongue and don't say a word. An hour later it's as though nothing happened.


 Rather than bite your tongue, maybe you should just look at her and say, "Ya know, maybe your right. We shouldn't be married because you never know when to shut your mouth so if that's what you want then pack your gear up and go make some other guy miserable and I wont stop you."

Problem here is you keep taking her crap and as long as you keep letting her, the worse it will get so step up to the plate and let her know that if she can't say anything positive then go heal that cut under her nose someplace else.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

JWTBL said:


> So, when people talk about how witchy or mean their spouse is, maybe they should look at their own behavior to see if there is a connection.


I'd find this funny if it wasn't so damn obnoxious.

A man being weak and putting up with a woman's abuse doesn't make it right, it just makes it more pathetic.

From both parties.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

My wife has a thermonuclear temper. It's a cultural thing that she grew up with as normal.

When she goes off now, I look her in the eyes, slowly and quietly tell her that she's being disrespectful, go stone cold and walk away. And go do something awesome.

If it's just being b!tchy I go into my man cave, or go work out, or go do something fun with the kids.

If it's borderline abusive (like name calling, etc) I go do something even more awesome. Something that will make her just a little apprehensive about what I might be up to.

The best way to win these fights I've found is to not play the game at all. Just go be awesome, and awesome people will naturally want to be in your life. As a natural consequence if you happen to turn a few ladies head's along the way to smarten your wife up... so be it.

Everyone can be replaced.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tinybubbles said:


> Thanks for the reply richie33. The only resentment she can truly have is when I call her out after she treats me like crap.


Do you express that resentment clearly and openly - no name calling, no backing down, no passive-aggressiveness? Do you own your feelings? 


treyvion said:


> I've always been a good husband, very attentive.


Stop that.


treyvion said:


> I give her a nice massage almost every night to help her fall asleep.


For crying out loud, stop that!


treyvion said:


> I'm always doting on her.


Stopstopstopstop!


treyvion said:


> I only complain when I'm being treated badly or being ignored.


Never complain. Even when you're being treated badly or especially when you are being ignored.

LEAVE AND GO DO SOMETHING AWESOME.

Actions>words and complaining is worthless.



treyvion said:


> Sometimes I wonder if she has multiple personality disorder. The way she acts like it's nothing to belittle me and then an hour later act like nothing happened. Has anyone had any experience with that?


Who gives a crap WHY she's treating you that way? That's HER problem.

I suggest you stop caring about the WHY and more about the WHAT is actually happening.

And make it abundantly clear with actions not word what will happen if she doesn't get her crap sorted out.

Live being awesome for real. Go to the gym, get awesome hobbies, get awesome buddies. Do stuff that improves you 1% every day. Define your own success. Relish in improvement. Do things that put a smile on your face no matter what she says.

Don't let your emotions be tied to hers. Don't let your happiness be tied to whatever breadcrumbs she dishes out.

As a natural consequence she will either smarten up or be replaced. It's just the way it is.

Just the other day I heard a therapist on the radio talking about a wife that belittled her husband because he was fat. Said the most demeaning and derogatory things...

So he dumped the weight and then dumped her. She was shocked.

The therapist wasn't.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

6301 said:


> Rather than bite your tongue, maybe you should just look at her and say, "Ya know, maybe your right. We shouldn't be married because you never know when to shut your mouth so if that's what you want then pack your gear up and go make some other guy miserable and I wont stop you."
> 
> Problem here is you keep taking her crap and as long as you keep letting her, the worse it will get so step up to the plate and let her know that if she can't say anything positive then go heal that cut under her nose someplace else.


I really like this one! I may try it and stick to it. I have told her I wasn't putting up with her crap before but I always end up forgiving and forgetting.

It seems I have stirred up some debate here. I still am not sure if she holds resentment because I am not man enough and too nice. I need to do a lot of research.

Thanks for all the input so far.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

marduk said:


> Do you express that resentment clearly and openly - no name calling, no backing down, no passive-aggressiveness? Do you own your feelings?
> 
> Stop that.
> 
> ...


Marduk, I really like this too. These are things I have actually thought about doing before. Time to get my life in order!


----------



## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You do have to be careful since a large number of posts go something like this.

Jane, As women, we spend so much time trying to meet other people's expectations. As a woman's empowerment counselor, my first suggestion is that you need to be a little more assertive. 

Jack, That's where you're wrong. She resents you for being weak and a Nice Guy - for putting up with her crap. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and then read Married Man Sex Life Primer. 

Jane My Feminist Women's Empowerment Group talks about how women's desire for acceptable and approval leads them to try to constantly try to please their partner without putting their own needs far behind. 

Jack Learn how to lead your family. Learn how to enact consequences for her bad behavior. Show her you won't put up with it. You'll be surprised how much she wants you then. "

Both sides are constantly called "enablers" by their respective lawyers, psychologists, friends, and family in divorce court. Do recognize the need for compromise, understanding how the other person works, seeing things from her perspective, working in his or her mindset. You don't get everything from marriage but paying support and seeing your children once every two weeks, or being nice to a strange man in the hope he will like your children isn't great either.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

marduk said:


> Do you express that resentment clearly and openly - no name calling, no backing down, no passive-aggressiveness? Do you own your feelings?
> 
> Stop that.
> 
> ...


This is great advice. I didn't make those posts which where quoted for this thread, but I did have a situation in the past where that was me.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

Bobby5000 said:


> You do have to be careful since a large number of posts go something like this.
> 
> Jane, As women, we spend so much time trying to meet other people's expectations. As a woman's empowerment counselor, my first suggestion is that you need to be a little more assertive.
> 
> ...


I really appreciate this advice. I have also though about the reality of divorce and not seeing my kids. Also, having a new, strange guy around my kids someday. 

It's been several weeks since I posted this here. I have told her that all I get is negative energy (attention) from her. I said that if I got more positive energy from her I would be a lot happier and wouldn't get as mad when she's on her phone looking at FAKEbook. I think she is trying. She is being nicer to me but she still has her moments.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Tinybubbles said:


> I really appreciate this advice. I have also though about the reality of divorce and not seeing my kids. Also, having a new, strange guy around my kids someday.
> 
> It's been several weeks since I posted this here. I have told her that all I get is negative energy (attention) from her. I said that if I got more positive energy from her I would be a lot happier and wouldn't get as mad when she's on her phone looking at FAKEbook. I think she is trying. She is being nicer to me but she still has her moments.


Give yourself positive energy outside of her. Like get most of it from the outside.


----------



## Tinybubbles (May 24, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Give yourself positive energy outside of her. Like get most of it from the outside.


I have been trying to do this as well. I have been working on getting some more hobbies to get myself busy and out of the house. I have also stopped initiating affection.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Tinybubbles said:


> I have been trying to do this as well. I have been working on getting some more hobbies to get myself busy and out of the house. I have also stopped initiating affection.


I cheated on an ex-wife 15 years ago...

So how it goes is similar to a wayward story. I got self-involved into my own life and hobbies and what was important to me. Time with BS was short and not focused on her. It was MY life.

You kinda gotta be like that in your situation. Pull away so hard and powerfully and get all up into YOUR LIFE and enjoy it. I wouldn't wait around for her, perhaps laugh at her noticing you not being there or you not pining for her would be the correct mindset.

It's hard to do under discipline, but it can be done. You have to have goals and aspirations and things that are fun that draw you and are fulfilling like a cheese is to mouse.


----------



## Escaflowne (Jan 27, 2014)

marduk said:


> Do you express that resentment clearly and openly - no name calling, no backing down, no passive-aggressiveness? Do you own your feelings?
> 
> Stop that.
> 
> ...


This is it. This is what I came here to read. This made me feel better!

"Leave and go do something awesome"

It doesn't sound like much but this made my heart jump. It hit the nail on the head. If my fiance is mad...I want to fix it. If he is ignoring me, I think he's mad. If he's on his game all day, I want to complain....soooooo bad. 

"Don't let your emotions be tied to hers" 

Wow, you have no idea. You spend months and years trying to figure it out. This this this! I am so grateful I read this.

I do wonder though...this is addressed to everyone with a answer. If there'sa genuine issue, how do you address it? If your partner doesn't think it's an issue, but you do and everyone around you does, do ou just live with it because they don't see the issue? Do you only work on issues that you both mutually agree is even an issue in the first place and ignore the rest of the problems because addressing them will cause a argument?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## homedepot (May 13, 2014)

I realized a few things over last few yrs about people. Leave them be and enjoy yourself and make you happy. We put way to much into this "We are all we need" crap. Go out and enjoy a night out with your buddies.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

turnera said:


> WTH are you talking about? Why is it you men hear be 'manly' and you think we mean beat your chest and yell and shove?
> 
> An alpha male will not tolerate abuse, he leaves when he is treated wrong or gently sets her straight, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't get his feelings hurt, he plays no games but takes no ****, and he teaches her that if she TRIES to cause a blowup the only thing that happens is it blows up in her face.
> 
> ...


I can't really have much respect for the idea of wanting a guy out of a western novel. That sounds like a childish fantasy. And I don't have much interest in becoming a guy like that just to please a woman.


----------



## annoyedhubby (Jun 15, 2014)

turnera said:


> WTH are you talking about? Why is it you men hear be 'manly' and you think we mean beat your chest and yell and shove?
> 
> An alpha male will not tolerate abuse, he leaves when he is treated wrong or gently sets her straight, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't get his feelings hurt, he plays no games but takes no ****, and he teaches her that if she TRIES to cause a blowup the only thing that happens is it blows up in her face.
> 
> ...


not true. see my thread I started on my wife earlier today? I am probably about as alpha as you can get. But it doesn't mean a thing. when you have kids it stops a alpha in his tracks. kids are the weak spot. You will walk over a alpha, when you are holding children. Also not true because times are much different than some fantasy novel. women just hints of abuse alpha male is in handcuffs whether he did anything or not. you live in a dream world in my opinion.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

turnera said:


> WTH are you talking about? Why is it you men hear be 'manly' and you think we mean beat your chest and yell and shove?
> 
> An alpha male will not tolerate abuse, he leaves when he is treated wrong or gently sets her straight, he doesn't get emotional, he doesn't get his feelings hurt, he plays no games but takes no ****, and he teaches her that if she TRIES to cause a blowup the only thing that happens is it blows up in her face.
> 
> Go read some Western novels and you'll see the man we're waiting for.


Also the problem I have with this way of thinking is this: if I try to live up to it, I'm really just falling into the trap of trying to be what she wants instead of what I want, which is not really an "alpha" way to be at all. Plus then it becomes my fault if she treats me badly: "I'm probably just not acting alpha enough." The irony is that the most "alpha" guys wouldn't be with a woman like that in the first place, so women who think that way will just have to keep waiting for their John Wayne I guess.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Alpha guys don't waste time on needy, immature, selfish, or unstable women. They get treated poorly once and they leave the woman behind. Because they know they'll get better.


----------



## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

turnera said:


> Alpha guys don't waste time on needy, immature, selfish, or unstable women. They get treated poorly once and they leave the woman behind. Because they know they'll get better.


Yup. That's my point.


----------

