# How much should you have in common?



## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

I love to do a particular outdoor activity. I mean, every chance I get. It's quite a time commitment, comes with its own language and culture, and requires spending quite a bit on gear, trips, driving, etc.

My wife doesn't do this activity but likes spending time outdoors. However, my commitment to this activity has fueled many arguments, even though I did it before we met (though not as often). And while my wife and I used to be in related industries, we no longer are after my career change a couple years ago.

I often wonder what it would be like to date someone who did do this activity, just to up the compatibility. I have two acquaintances who do the activity, and have been together for a long time. Two other "similar activity" couples didn't last. So should it matter that my wife and I don't share a core interest (outside of food, dogs and TV shows)?

Sorry for being vague, just want to add some anonymity to it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It seems to me marriage isn't your first priority... your activity is. 

It doesn't really matter which came first, the vital question is which one matters most in your life. This would be true whether your partner does or doesn't do the activity you are talking about. If they do share it, this doesn't mean you'll increase compatibility. Just imagine yourself with those people you already know who are involved in it... what percentage of them would be great partners for you? What percent of them would be incompatible in other ways?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

IMO, it's very good for a relationship to have some shared interests and activities, but it's also good to have some you do separately or with other friends - even great relationships benefit from some time apart.

We share many things: ballroom and Latin dancing, martial arts (aikido), hiking and biking, sailing, wine, and others. Separately, she does Chinese brush painting and logic puzzles, I do photography and some programming projects.

The shared things give us time together, and things to talk about (we also share interests in sci-fi, science, art, and psychology).

On the other hand, many very good relationships seem to have few things in common (maybe time apart is what keeps them together!), and some poor ones have shared activities. It's not an infallible indicator, but I still think it's much better to have shared interests than not.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It seems to me marriage isn't your first priority... your activity is.


This may be true, or may have evolved to become that way. I guess I failed to mention that very often fights will be based on my activity and the possibility that other women might be involved. In other words, I'm not allowed to have female acquaintances my wife doesn't explicitly approve of (which is rare), while she maintains a healthy amount of guy friends and coworkers. 

So basically I have to omit any mention of females when talking about my activity or it's a half-day of convincing her she has nothing to worry about. It's a vicious cycle.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KookedFish said:


> This may be true, or may have evolved to become that way. I guess I failed to mention that very often fights will be based on my activity and the possibility that other women might be involved. In other words, I'm not allowed to have female acquaintances my wife doesn't explicitly approve of (which is rare), while she maintains a healthy amount of guy friends and coworkers.
> 
> So basically I have to omit any mention of females when talking about my activity or it's a half-day of convincing her she has nothing to worry about. It's a vicious cycle.


Soo.... my first husband was the singer for a rock band and I was too young to get into bars. He also was a major flirt and badly behaved when it came to "other women." The musician stuff was his dream and his hobby, but not his job. 

He put the hobby before me, in my opinion, because he kept me in the dark about how he knew the women he knew, and didn't want me around when he *could* have me around at shows. He also didn't go out of his way to introduce me to anyone. Obviously, his relationship with me was NOT his first priority! 

Meanwhile, I worked in a machine shop where I was the only female on my shift of the 60 or so total there. If I had any chance, I'd introduce my husband, tell people about his band, invite them to go check out the band, etc. He knew who everyone I mentioned from work was, and they all knew that I was in a relationship with a guy named X.

If your arguments about "other women" are coming about because of dynamics like these, I can see where they would (and should) only be in one direction, and where her complaints could still be legitimate. 

Back to the original question: What do YOU think you prioritize the most...your wife or your hobby? You said that your fights are often this and that you may have evolved to prioritizing your hobby. How will that EVER help your marriage improve?


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Back to the original question: What do YOU think you prioritize the most...your wife or your hobby? You said that your fights are often this and that you may have evolved to prioritizing your hobby. How will that EVER help your marriage improve?


I've told my wife I'd LOVE it if she'd partake in my favored activity, but it's not her thing. I'm ok with it but when I introduce her to the friends I've met through that activity she immediately finds something nasty to say about them, like if she says that I'll be less interested in them (which I'm not in the first place). See where the problem is? How am I supposed to be myself around someone who finds something negative to say about everyone you introduce her to that's single and not male? Yes, she can get along with girls as long as they're married or in a devoted relationship. God forbid any girl looks in my direction and the night is ruined.

Sorry that wasn't the original question, but how am I supposed to prioritize a marriage I can't be myself in?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm just curious, why all the need to be so on the DL about what exactly this activity is. 

I think advice and thoughts would be more productive if people knew exactly what we were talking about here.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm just curious, why all the need to be so on the DL about what exactly this activity is.
> 
> I think advice and thoughts would be more productive if people knew exactly what we were talking about here.


Fine, it's surfing.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Sounds like she might be a little insecure. Is she mabye not in is good a shape as the surfer girls? My husband and I have our own hobbies. He plays basketball and coaches our son's sports, and I kick box and take yoga. We support each other's hobbies. Gives us something to talk about later. No big deal in my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Ms. GP said:


> Sounds like she might be a little insecure. Is she mabye not in is good a shape as the surfer girls? My husband and I have our own hobbies. He plays basketball and coaches our son's sports, and I kick box and take yoga. We support each other's hobbies. Gives us something to talk about later. No big deal in my opinion.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She likes to jog, which I fully support. The difference is I'm in the water with others (mostly guys), while she jogs alone. She's not as active as I am, which, as you hinted at, might be the problem for her, but not for me. The problem is she doesn't jog enough for her to be happy with her body most of the time, but I don't think she's fat or tell her she is.

One of the biggest issues with me is that I've dealt with the insecurities so long that I've lost most of my interest in the relationship, and don't care if she jogs with 10 guys. And now when I see the rare cutie in the water I'm more apt to take notice. I told her countless times, "If you put enough energy into these insecurities they'll manifest into reality." Happened to me with an ex. I thought so hard she'd sleep with someone else it happened.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

ellesyangz said:


> I'm just curious, why all the need to be so on the DL about what exactly this activity is.


Just paranoid about anonymity, but it's not a big deal. The activity is surfing, and not the internet kind.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

KookedFish said:


> Sorry that wasn't the original question, but how am I supposed to prioritize a marriage I can't be myself in?


Maybe you're not supposed to. 

It'd be nice to say, "Just do it" but that's not always possible. It sounds like the two of you have some serious issues. Is it merely insecurity on her part? That's big, but I imagine there's more to it than just insecurity. 

It seems maybe you were worried that people would jump out and say, "Oooh, surfing = hot girls in bikinis" and maybe some will, but I've found that when a man is truly committed and devoted to me, there is no way for me to feel worried about other women because I KNOW he's loyal. On the other hand, when he isn't completely committed (as my ex wasn't), then my insecurities come to the surface. 

I don't know which came first, your detachment or her insecurity, but in any case, it sounds like you two need to do some serious evaluating of whether you want to be together. If the answer is yes, you'll both have to make your marriage the #1 priority... before surfing AND before insecurities. If just one of you can't fully commit to this, your marriage is unlikely to last.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Kooked, I can kind of relate. I surf too and most of the time, its guys out there. 

First, I think its actually healthy for couples to have separate activities. Many professionals actually say the same thing. But doing things together should also be a priority. Sometimes you may have to put the beach on the side and take your wife out on a date. Let her know that she is important too and that she wont be second place to the waves all the time. 

Second, your wife is exhibiting signs of insecurity if she is jealous of other women who are in the water with you. You might want to think about ways you can quash that insecurity: take her with you. If she doesn't want to get in the water, let her hang on the beach with your dog and a book, while you go out for an hour. She'll see you go out, and come in... alone. Also, introduce her to the regulars you surf with. If she has a face with the name, that would probably help ease her concerns.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It seems maybe you were worried that people would jump out and say, "Oooh, surfing = hot girls in bikinis"


It's all wetsuits in the water, bikinis on the beach (during summer at least). Our issues run deeper than anything she or I could cause alone. Both of us come from broken homes and infidelity on our father's part.

I posed the original question leaning to the idea that we don't necessarily need to surf together, but other than our dogs and what we eat, it feels a little empty in the compatibility dept. She definitely doesn't wanna let the relationship go, even when I tell her we should separate, so not sure what to do. I hate hurting her but fear I'm just wasting her time.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

OK, so maybe you two don't have the same interests... yet. Find one. Find something you can do together. If you think having a "joint" hobby might change your concerns about compatibility, go out and get one. It can be your special thing.. something that only you two share. Make it fun, and make it regular. This takes two to tango though. she has to make the effort too. Have a discussion and see if you guys can find a new hobby together.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Kooked, I can kind of relate. I surf too and most of the time, its guys out there.
> 
> First, I think its actually healthy for couples to have separate activities. Many professionals actually say the same thing. But doing things together should also be a priority. Sometimes you may have to put the beach on the side and take your wife out on a date. Let her know that she is important too and that she wont be second place to the waves all the time.
> 
> Second, your wife is exhibiting signs of insecurity if she is jealous of other women who are in the water with you. You might want to think about ways you can quash that insecurity: take her with you. If she doesn't want to get in the water, let her hang on the beach with your dog and a book, while you go out for an hour. She'll see you go out, and come in... alone. Also, introduce her to the regulars you surf with. If she has a face with the name, that would probably help ease her concerns.


I can check every single thing you suggested off the list. There's not much else I can do I'm afraid. It's led me to be secretive about who I interact with now, because it's like "Anything you say, can and will be held against you in a court of love." It will only be used as ammo in a fight or fuel to start one.

I'll give her credit though, she's been very supportive of my surfing...but just with the dudes and dolphins


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Then how about MC?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

KookedFish said:


> It's all wetsuits in the water, bikinis on the beach (during summer at least). Our issues run deeper than anything she or I could cause alone. Both of us come from broken homes and infidelity on our father's part.
> 
> I posed the original question leaning to the idea that we don't necessarily need to surf together, *but other than our dogs and what we eat, it feels a little empty in the compatibility dept. She definitely doesn't wanna let the relationship go, even when I tell her we should separate, so not sure what to do. I hate hurting her but fear I'm just wasting her time.*


You have already answered your own question ...*you want out*.. she is just pandering at this point trying to change your mind...and your priorities..but they are -what they are. 

My thoughts are ...if 2 people have "TIME" at the top of their Love Languages, it goes a long way for happiness to have a decent amount of things in common... me and my husband are like this, we pretty much enjoy doing everything together.... we don't have any exciting activities like surfing in our lives though... we are more homebody-ish ...with lots of kids.. it's what we both wanted..

Also with the history of both Fathers cheating ....this hits HOME big time for her... add the sexed up atmosphere --we all know how visual men are..and if you are a social animal on top of this...with much time away... this would cause insecurities to rise in any woman....I think she has her feet on the ground & can see where this is heading... now that you have mentioned wanting to separate, you confirmed it... 

She really needs to let you go...


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

I'd like to add something important that I left out. When we got together we both stated we don't want kids. We had a lot of fun together...going places when we wanted, for however long we wanted. She wanted a dog, and immediately started treating it like her child. I opted to get a second dog because with our busy schedules the one dog was bored being by himself most of the day.

Since getting the first dog, that has become her #1 priority. I mean, she makes time for me and cooks and cleans and such, but we don't have near the amount of fun we used to, cause she's always worried about walking the dogs, or spending time with the dogs, or being able to take the dogs with us. So my priority became surfing and hers became the dogs. I do love them, but I never thought I'd be entering a relationship where the majority of any interaction with my significant other is about dogs. Which BTW are close to having perpetual 2-year-olds.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

So, last week you were asking about talking your wife into an open relationship because you want to cheat but haven't yet. Then you wanted to talk about her "irrational" paranoia that you might cheat. Then you wanted advice on how to tell her you want a separation, or a divorce, but you preferred a separation. 

And now, you're posting about the fact that she doesn't like to surf and is jealous of the women you surf with. 

:slap:

Have you decided not to open your marriage, or cheat, or separate or divorce - as you were strongly contemplating last week? Or are you just looking to present scenarios where other posters can agree that your wife is off base to help you justify wanting to split? 

For pity's sake, man, you've indicated a host of compatibility issues - any one of which would make fine reasons for a childless couple to divorce. Just pick one, have an honest conversation with your wife, and get the divorce you clearly want. She can't keep your from divorcing her, even if she doesn't want to let the relationship go. If you're trying to come up with more ways to convince her that you two should divorce, stop. Just file the papers yourself and get on with it.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Rowan said:


> So, last week you were asking about talking your wife into an open relationship because you want to cheat but haven't yet. Then you wanted to talk about her "irrational" paranoia that you might cheat. Then you wanted advice on how to tell her you want a separation so you could stay married but sleep with other women.
> 
> And now, you're posting about the fact that she doesn't like to surf and is jealous of the women you surf with.
> 
> ...


Wow did you get all worked up over my posts? I feel so special! :sleeping:

Don't give me anymore advice. It may have been easy for you to divorce but it's not easy for me.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

You don't want to divorce (be seen as the bad guy) yet you don't want to be married either! 

Grow some balls and choose. You're either in or you're out!


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Grow up!


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## Unique Username (Jul 6, 2013)

You didnt like what Rowan said because it hit the truth nerve. Called you out on your previous posts/threads.

It is apparent that you are looking for ways out and/or ways to justify potentially past/present/future inappropriate behavior.

If your surfing excursions were simply that, your wife wouldn't have issue with it. So, you have either done something wrong previously, are using it as an excuse to not take care of some other responsibilities, or as an excuse to get out without your wife. 

If that weren't true, then your wife dog and self would be at the beach TOGETHER enjoying the day.

If you ever once loved this woman, you owe it to ger to let her go. She needs to find someone who adores her, who wants ONLY her. Who puts her feelings/needs/wants above his hobby...and his desire for chasing wet-suited tail.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

cons said:


> You don't want to divorce (be seen as the bad guy) yet you don't want to be married either!


This is the truth, and what most of you have said is either too black-and-white to be useful, too judgmental or just plain wrong. I've gotten what I came here for. Thanks ladies.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read the entire thread before deciding to respond. It sounds like you are pretty disillusioned with the marriage. Your wife isn't posting, and I'm only getting your perspective, so I have to respond to what you are telling us.

Have either of you considered MC? Whether or not your wife likes it, do you think a separation for several months might help? Sometimes we need to get out of the thick of things to clear our minds.

Do you feel your wife is trying to guilt you into staying in the marriage? Do you think she loves you and respects you, or is she just comfortable with the status quo?

I'm not trying to be judgmental here, I just want to know.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Prodigal thank you very much for taking the time to read the thread, and for some very good suggestions. I've thought many times, and still do, that perhaps a separation of several months would do us good (and no, not so I can chase "wet-suited tail" while she waits around. I've told her that what I do, she can do, no questions asked, but that's still not the primary motivator here. There are a lot, and I mean real, meaningful things about our marriage that would be worth staying for. However there are traits within both of us that would, as previous posters pointed out, be grounds for divorce.

We haven't made any attempt at marriage counseling. We both have very busy schedules, with hers being unpredictable for months at a time, so that makes it tough. She does love me, and right now I'm the one too comfortable with the status quo, plus I DREAD the day I'd have to pack up my stuff. However, maybe it would do us good. I once told her I should move out so we can start "dating" again, but she wouldn't go for it.

Disillusioned is right. Confused for sure. Thanks again for your post!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You certainly don't have to like the responses you received, but you DID ask the question. I don't think you would be here seeking advice if you didn't feel like you have to do something.

I mean, this is a marriage floundering big-time. You can maintain the status quo, but it doesn't sound as if that is particularly satisfying.

Consider this: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

Ridiculously simple? Perhaps. But it's one of the common sayings in Al-Anon. And I've listened to people complain, stay stuck, and remain miserable in alcoholic marriages.

No, you don't have a marriage fraught with addiction. But you have two people pursuing separate lives. It goes beyond surfing. 

Both of you are avoiding the hard work of tackling the issues.

I think the ball is in your court. Stay and live with what is or make some major changes.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> It seems to me marriage isn't your first priority... your activity is.
> 
> It doesn't really matter which came first, the vital question is which one matters most in your life. This would be true whether your partner does or doesn't do the activity you are talking about. If they do share it, this doesn't mean you'll increase compatibility. Just imagine yourself with those people you already know who are involved in it... what percentage of them would be great partners for you? What percent of them would be incompatible in other ways?


You could look at this from the flip slide...

Perhaps the marriage isn't important to his wife or she'd join him.. 

Just sayin'


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that I sure as hell wouldn't want to marry a clone of who I am and what I enjoy doing.

Please ladies! Just give me a little variety! And I'll do the same for you!*


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Kooked, I haven't seen your other posts... only this one. But if you are having that many doubts, perhaps you should try MC, or simply separate. Sometimes you need to let go before you can grow closer. It's risky as hell - you'll be taking the chance that she'll check out of the marriage too. I will tell you this though: if you separate - remain true to her until you decide (if ever) to divorce her. If you cheat during your separation, you can pretty much kiss your marriage goodbye. Use the time off to focus on YOU - what is making you so unhappy? You seem to have many issues/questions that you need to figure out for yourself.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

Love2326 said:


> Kooked, I haven't seen your other posts... only this one. But if you are having that many doubts, perhaps you should try MC, or simply separate. Sometimes you need to let go before you can grow closer. It's risky as hell - you'll be taking the chance that she'll check out of the marriage too. I will tell you this though: if you separate - remain true to her until you decide (if ever) to divorce her. If you cheat during your separation, you can pretty much kiss your marriage goodbye. Use the time off to focus on YOU - what is making you so unhappy? You seem to have many issues/questions that you need to figure out for yourself.


This is spot on. What the other ladies are talking about is the fact that I posted a thread called "Wanting an open marriage". Ok, I realize that's not helping my case in wanting to do the right thing, but I offered it as an option to my wife due to the fact that since getting married, our relationship took a turn for the worse. We both took things too seriously...finances and boring stuff crept in, dogs entered the picture and our sex life took a major hit. I'd like to say it's all my fault but she's done some things that had me saying "okay, all respect is gone here." Any inclination to cheat came from wanting someone to talk to, not just get laid. At least I was honest with her, and haven't even kissed another woman.

It's funny you said what you did, cause I woke up this morning thinking that what we should do is separate with no intention of seeing other women. Just like you said...focusing on me. I'm glad to hear there are other options other than "stay and shut up or pack up your s**t and divorce!"


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

KookedFish-

No one is saying "stay and shut up..." but rather we're saying stay and take action on working toward a fulfilling marriage for both of you. You don't need to separate to focus on you. You're already doing that with the actions you've been taking (i.e., independent behavior). Your posts still scream "me, me, me" yet you want to package it as if you're concerned about your relationship with your wife. Try removing your ego and look at what you can do to change the state of your union. Find activities that both you and your wife can experience together. 

You need to choose. If you choose to stay, then your actions should reflect your willingness to do the work....taking 100% of the responsibility of your 50%. The separation you describe is only self-preservation (I see nothing that says you want to focus on rebuilding a relationship with your wife). That is why I've advised, unless your focus is your marriage, in this case, it would be a lot more respectful (and most likely less painful for all parties involved) if you choose to divorce.

Half-hearted efforts will reap half-hearted results and, more than likely, will caused disappointment and further isolation between you and your wife.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Bottom line Kooked... *are you still in love with your wife?* Or is she just a roommate with some benefits?

Ask yourself this question, and answer it honestly. The answer to that question will determine your next step.

You don't have children to consider so that makes it that much easier to decide.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Bottom line Kooked... *are you still in love with your wife?* Or is she just a roommate with some benefits?
> 
> Ask yourself this question, and answer it honestly. The answer to that question will determine your next step.
> 
> You don't have children to consider so that makes it that much easier to decide.


It's a tough question so I'll take my time before answering that. Love, cons, happy, thank you, your differing opinions have given me a lot of food for thought.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

arbitrator said:


> *Let's just say that I sure as hell wouldn't want to marry a clone of who I am and what I enjoy doing.
> 
> Please ladies! Just give me a little variety! And I'll do the same for you!*


My first wife and I had a great courtship... She joined me in all sorts of fun activities. Once we were married, she no longer accompanied me to any activities, including in the bedroom.

In fact, she begrudged me going and doing all the things we did as a couple. She was jealous. She didn't even want me to read the newspaper. She said, "I was raised in a crowed (large family) and I want you all to myself"... Like I was supposed to just sit arround and lovingly gaze into her eyes and tell her how much I loved her.

For some mysterious reason, I thought our marriage would be like our courtship. It was absolutely nothing like our courtship.

The things me and my second wife have in common are the way we handle money, religion, politics, fashion, material values, etc. etc. She certainly isn't a carbon copy of me when it comes to personalities. She does a lot of things very well that I don't do very well. For example she can read people much better than I do. 

She does not begrudge me doing the things that I like to do... like hunting, photography, canoeing, etc. She'll help me get ready for a trip. The one thing that I really like about my wife is the fact that she likes sports. She will sit down with me and enthusiastically watch a game. The other night, I went to Ruston Louisiana to watch a La Tech Basketball game with my son... Arkansas was playing and she watched the game and texted me updates through out the La Tech game. She will actually watch games when I'm not home... 

Having things in common gives you a lot less to fuss about.


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## Love2326 (Oct 31, 2012)

Cons has a good point, its possible to figure things out if you stay. But it sounds like you've tried to do that and it hasn't worked. Is that right? If so, I say propose a separation. Stay loyal, be honest, take the time to look into YOURSELF. See what life will be like without her, just you, no partying, no girls, no nothing. Just you. Agree on that with her and both of you will do the same thing. Wake up alone, talk to friends occasionally, you wont have someone to share those silly everyday moments with, just be by yourself. Find your independence. Cease communication if you have to. Let her find hers. Regroup after a month, maybe two. See where you're both at.


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## KookedFish (Sep 29, 2013)

hambone - sounds like you got a keeper, which I guess you know since you married her.

Love - that's a good suggestion.


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