# Wifes lack of response



## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Ive replied to some posts on TAM but up to today I haven't had the courage to do what I originally signed up to do - ask for some basic advice.

Ive been married to y wife who I love more than file itself. The thought of her net being there really makes upsets me.

I recently had an accident which left me immobile and with other complications such as infections - Throughout my wife was there. No issue there at all. But as I became well I thougt of initiating some kind of sexual contact as its been 4 months since our last opportunity. My wife always seem to need me to initiate the act and frequently started by me having contact with her in the form of a massage, some foot massage even if sex was not the end it was the sitting having bodily contact that is important and which convays a closenes. 
Last night Im there being gentle, sitting cuddling, she places her feet on my lap and I just respond with gentle massage of the legs and feet (this is not a fetish just tactile love). Im there enjoying the moment, watching TV thinking that this might move toward a sexual contact latter in the evening when I look around shes texting her "best friend for life" who I add is female. I tell her I love her, trying to catch a moment I get a I love you to response but that occurs in between the text coming and going. Ive tried to tell here that I find it uncomfortable to have her texting her friend, seeing the texts in and outbound being deleted and have had the "Its so I can see whats the last one on the screen without scrolling all the time" comment back along with a very uncomfortable discussion about trust (wont go through that one its all over Tam). Am I being unreasonable here, I would NEVER think of texting friend of any nature when Im with here in that scenario - Am I seeing more that is really there, just a strong friendship (she doesnt see her in person often Id add) But normally before these texts start every night They speak on the phone, which is infront of me for 20 to 30 minutes at a time. Then its texting !

Im starting to feel paranoid here 
What do some of the wife readers here think am I just being down right stupid


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If you've read here before posting then you know deleting texts is a big red flag. Have you ever been able to see any of these texts? Could she be saying disparaging things in these texts to her "friend"? I would also be concerned that while her friend's name pops up on the texts, she could have labeled it that way to keep you off guard.

Regardless, the constant texting while you're together is disresptful at best and actually rude.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Thanks Toffer........

Yes I read through some (many to be honest) posts and saw some of the key flags one of course being the text deletion. I have managed to access the online account and seen that the same number is called and Im 99% that its the female friend. 

Ive approached my W about why the deletion and had a curt reply that shes always done it. Its to save scrolling amnd memory - despite being told by our daughter that the memory is huge and unused. Ive seen her delete but cannot make out the content. Her phone isnt web accessable so I cannot put a tracker on it nor to be honest could I afford it. But I have I'm ashamed to say looked through her delivery reports when she left her phone to have a shower and even worse got up looked at it in the early hours of the morning. The reason for the deletion is feasible but certainly out of the norm. 

Ive scanned the web to see if there is something I can do to access the sim card - her phone does not have a data lead so getting the card out will be a long process and to have a sim reader costly. There are possibilities that taking the som out to use in the reader may reset her settings and give away the fact Ive been looking. An I really dont want to do that because if its all innocent Ive opened a can of worms and that could lead to arguments etc - 

The texting when Im trying to show affection I agree - If the roles were reversed I suspect there would be some sulking and "dont you love me anymore?" being thrown at me.

I suspect Ill have to let it ride a while (as hard as it is because Im clearly "not myself" her phrase not mine). Then if there seems to be something there that looks more suspect ill hide away the evidence and sadly if the time is right suddenly throw it at the table - Old saying give someone enough rope and they'll hang themselves 

I just wish to save time there was a way of lookiing on the sim to se if I can pull back in/out texts that have been deleted. Im open to advice on that one.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Pault said:


> Thanks Toffer........
> 
> and seen that the same number is called and Im 99% that its the female friend.
> 
> ...


*Hopefully someone else will come along her and tell you if that is possible but I know they will ask you what type of phone does she have*


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I don't know about the phone. But, you should not be massaging your wife while she's on her phone. She is texting/talking and you're standing there looking at her like the dog wanting to go for a walk.

You need to put your foot down and tell her that her hour-a-night talking/texting with her BFF must be reduced to a reasonable amount of time when you're not around.

If her BFF is more important than you are, then you need to respond by making her less important to you.

Good luck.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

If it was all the time?It woudl hurt my feelings my husband didnt put everythign else aside and focus on us in the moment..

I dont have advice just wanted you to know you arent being "paarnoid" you are a person with feelings and she is hurting them..(your feelings)..

Oh I do have advice..I would say ..well you are busy ..I'll rub your feet later when you have time..that texting stuff is a total killer IMHO..I can stand it my kids do it and Im like **** THAT LOL>>Im TALKING to you QUIT staring at that and typing..Like I said especially if its the norm not an exception ..PUT the little box down and ENGAGE with me in FACE to face converstation!

I do NOT text and people think Im "weird" but I see them and do NOT want to be like that..Im bad enough on the computer and telephone LOL!!


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with dallas. Just let her know you'll continue to massage her feet and legs when she's no longer texting the bff.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

You know guys - Everything said above I thought about before even posting here and know its the right thing to do. I suppose I dont want to be confronted with something unpleasant like being accused of looking through her phone texts when shes not about (controlling husband snooping) or the like. But it has made me sit and brood over instances recently that have been there and Ive seen it and not had the b***s to speak up. Last Saturday I decided to take my W to the local watering hole, nice drink other patron are pleaseant and welcoming, good music and time for us to be, well on a dat I suppose and I made that clear a week before, just me and you no friends. On the night Im asked by my daughter am I looking forward to my first venture out since I was Ill and of course I said Yep me your mother and no one else not even a phone. We go out, sit down, drinks arrive and by the end of the first drink the friend is being text. 

Im sorry for spilling my g*ts here but because its annonymous and I feel safe. (sorry). 

I really dont know how to deal with this now even with the advice above I suppose its because Im afraid that what I was aiming to do has been thrown in may face and I want this to work - I want the woman I married 27 years ago back


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Did all this secret texting start after your accident? Have y'all had any sexual relations since you've become better?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

There are two possibilities that I see. The first is that your wife isn't attracted to you and isn't concerned with your feelings. The "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" syndrome. The second is that her texting, especially when you've set up a text-free night, is just a fitness test (or sh!t test) to see whether you will stand up to her.

If it's ILYBINILWY, then you have a hard road ahead. You may be able to win back her affection. But, it will be a difficult and lengthy process.

If it's a fitness test, then it's much easier. You just have to start passing those tests. Allowing her to text when you've asked her not to is failing the test. The idea behind a fitness test is that your wife wants to see whether you can handle her. If you can handle her, then you can probably handle external threats. And her attraction to you grows. If you can't handle her, then you're not worth as much as she thought you were. And her attraction to you lessens.

You should read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. for some good information on how to slowly increase her attraction to you. In the meantime, you should search these forums for "thermostat" to see how to quickly match your wife's level of effort in your relationship. It sounds like your wife is cold and you're hot. So the relationship stays warm. But, you're doing all the work. If you lower your temperature to match your wife's, then the relationship will be too cold for her. At that point, she will need to raise her level of effort in order to reach the temp she wants.

The thermostat method is quicker, but riskier. It's possible that, if you do this while your wife is not attracted to you, she will decide that she would be better off leaving you. The MMSL method will increase your value as a mate, so she will be less likely to decide she can do better elsewhere.

Good luck.


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Thank you PHTlump
Your words were, to the point and hit home and I appreaciate that. It has been a real crap time of late and Ive needed to get the rubbish out of my head and away. I know the friend being text is female and I know they are friends BUT as its clear from here there is a line and that line is being crossed. I WILL take the action suggested,, its only right that a partner if they love you respect you and not insult your advances, Id prefer if I was told Im not in the mood or Im really tired from work these are things that are expected to a degree in any relationship. The actions Ive encountered are belittling and as youve indicated could be a test the how far I can push hubby. Im afraid hubby has been pushed to the end of the acceptable line.

thank you all for the input - it is appreaciated


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