# I know what to do but not sure how.



## jakeskate

Hey y'all, I posted on here several years ago about my wife having an emotional affair directly following the death of her father. We got through it and ended up adding a bunch of crap to our plates. I'll explain the details after the reason for this post. Fast forward to a month or 2 ago and her brother dies! Same way her father did. Liver disease from alcoholism. She has been acting strange (again) and gone a lot. I knew it had happened again. so i addressed it and she admitted to it. this time it was a physical affair.

I'm absolutely crushed but it's my own fault for trying the forgiveness path. Initially after i confronted her about this recent affair I went straight to forgiveness mode and asked what she needs from me so she doesn't go astray anymore. I quickly realized i'm beating my head against a wall by accepting anything less than leaving this woman. This is the second time and wont be the last. She's been playing me for years. She always has a way of spinning things and projecting a lot. She has some untreated anxiety and depression issues also. I laid it out for her that i'm done and she needs to leave. Here's the catch. She's been a stay at home mom to our 2 kids age 7 and 10 for the last 8 years. This has always been her choice. I have always been more than supportive of anything she wants to do. which brings me to my next dilemma.

We bought a Smoothie franchise with the inheritance money she received upon her fathers passing. Well not exactly fully with the inheritance because we made a decision to collateralize our home for a small business loan. I know, I know not smart! but it was on the contingency that if we were looking like we were going to default on the loan, we would pay it off using an inherited IRA. So essentially a back up plan. So here we are after spending the last 3 years building out a smoothie store that will never open because of the landlords ignorance. He graded the property for the build and parking lot but did not allow for drainage. The county has put a stop work order on the property and we cannot get our cert of occupancy until there is a parking lot. Our store could open tomorrow after sinking 200k into the project. But we cant until there is a parking lot. Our lease contract is expiring next month so at least we can get out of the contract with him but then we have a whole fully completed smoothie store that will just be sitting there doing nothing. no income from it at all and we still have to pay this loan.

This is all noise in the background of me knowing that we need to divorce. She also has all of her fathers estate to deal with now because her brother that just passed was the executor and did nothing with anything the entire 3 years. he never got a job he never settled anything and pretty much spent his portion of the inheritance on drinking himself to death. didn't pay any bills didn't sell any properties, nothing! And this is one of those estates where there are tons of assets. hundreds of acre's of property, different parcels, vehicles, houses and a business just to scratch the surface. I know i'm puking up a ton of irrelevant information but I dont have anyone to talk to about any of this without having to pay an attorney. I'm not there yet. She's playing the victim card and playing up her depression and considerably low self esteem. She says i'm an amazing person and i deserve better and i know i do. She says she adore's me and that i am a wonderful father to our kids. where she drops the ball (which is a lot) i pick it up. But i also DONT drop the ball ever! i'm always on point and every single decision i make is for her and the kids happiness, security and comfort. I have never put myself and my happiness, security and comfort first.

This is now the time i focus on me and the kids only. enough with details unless y'all have questions i can fill you in on those in your responses. I Know i need to give her the boot. She's got all this money tied up in the business will will never come to fruition. We cannot afford her an apartment or even a weekly rate hotel room. She knows she needs to get a job but she's reluctant to stare reality in the face and thinks her time needs to be spent getting the smoothie shop profitable. SHE DOESNT UNDERSTAND THERE IS NEVER GOING TO BE A SMOOTHIE SHOP!!! Its one of those situations where you drive by some new construction and it looks like everything is done except something like a parking lot. Then you drive by for years and see the same state of the building. Never occupied, never open and nothing happens. It just sits and you thinking, "I wonder what happened there for it to be vacant for this long?" Well this is how it happens. So we have a full plate of drama we need to get through; Fathers 3 year old estate, Failing smoothie shop that will never open, a loan we need to pay with zero income (I work to pay household bills) and now an imminent separation/divorce. I say separation because in the state of SC where i live, you have to be separated for 1 year before you can officially divorce. I've said in a post from years ago that she hates the house we bought and she has always said that. I told her I dont want any inheritance money, I just want my house. Its also my children's house. Nows the time to pull the IRA to get me off the hook for this loan. she can deal with what to do with the equipment and business after we get the bank off our ass. We're just bleeding money right now. On top of her depression and anxiety that she has never given any effort to get treated.

I'm beyond hurt at this point because of the infidelity. I'm down right angry. Yes I love her and it's really hard to value myself enough to see myself with anyone else. I've read some of y'alls responses to other guys in my shoes and I need to start valuing myself more. I have always been very confident and able to close doors and open new ones. I adapt to change very well. We've been married for 10 years and together for 12. I'm having a really tough time navigating the right way to go about all of this. I told her i am not her shoulder to cry on anymore. I've given too much of myself and sacrificed my mental health and happiness to be there for hers anymore. She says she doesn't want it to get nasty and neither do i. So what is the most amicable way to go about setting her free from this terrible life i have provided for her for so long. I've always been supportive and never held her back from anything, even to a fault. On the other side of things she has always impeded my progress of bettering our situation and myself. I wanted to start a lawn care business with a small investment of maybe 10k. If it flopped and i failed, at least i'm only out 10k. not 200k and a home where our kids live. I'm smart, business savvy, good looking and very talented in a lot of different things. I feel like i've been held back from being the kick ass human being that i'm supposed to be. I drink a lot now and i smoke a lot now and i realize i need to knock it off. Another really difficult thing to deal with is the fact that she is the most sexually attractive woman i have ever been with. She's part of my every dream and sexual fantasy. We have really good sex all the time, often and she says so too. Thats why i know this isn't about that or that some other dude is better than me. It's her running away from the tough reality of what her life has become and a distraction. She's playing me for a fool and keeps trying to put her "poor me" attitude in the mix.

Is it weird or wrong to continue to have sex with her? I have needs and not really pouring any emotional energy into it. I woke her up the other night and hit it and quit it!!! haha! y'all know where i'm at! and this dude she has seen is out of state anyway. I dont really think she is currently screwing around. I honestly have really good intuition and know when to raise concern. That's why when stuff happens its not like it has been an on going thing. I'm hypersensitive to the change in energy and vibe in the air. sounds crazy but not to me. My perception is a very honed skill. My apologies for the longest post of rambling ever but i'm curious and very interested on an outsiders take on my situation. Thanks in advance for taking the time to help me out!


----------



## Lloyd Dobler

Holy wall of text, Batman. You may want to consider breaking this up to make it more readable.


----------



## notmyjamie

For starters I'm sorry for what you are going through. Secondly, I think you need to sit down and make a plan for yourselves. What's the first thing you need to do? I'd say it's get that loan paid off with your back up plan. If you're about to get out of that lease than you won't have any rent to pay on that space. Sell off the equipment you bought and pay off any outstanding debt from the business. Once your house is protected have her get started on her Dad's estate. It sounds like there is tons of money tied up in his estate...is it stuck in probate? If so, it will be a LONG time before she sees any of the assets from it. But at least get your house protected first, then see a lawyer about what your next step should be. 

If you keep "hitting that" as you say be prepared that she will assume you've forgiven her and that the marriage is going to continue on as usual.


----------



## sunsetmist

There are folks who are trained in the best ways to manage inheritances, divorces, etc. Hire them--it will pay off in the end. Sounds like inheritance has been mixed with personal funds?? This makes a difference, I believe. Make sure taxes have been paid on inheritances.

Beware of being drawn back into her wily trap. For most of her life has she been a spoiled princess? She and you need to be tested for STDs! 

Stay on the divorce path now if that is what you choose or you will be in the same place next time someone dies. Sounds like her biggest deficit is character. Make sure you children are taught integrity!


----------



## jakeskate

good call! i just broke it up into paragraphs. my bad


----------



## jakeskate

sunsetmist said:


> Beware of being drawn back into her wily trap. For most of her life has she been a spoiled princess? She and you need to be tested for STDs!


yes she has been a spoiled princess for sure. hit the nail on the head there. As far as STD's go we're good on that. we were both just recently tested last month. I forgot to mention in the huge novel i wrote that she is also going through menopause. Another wonderful contributing factor to her mentality.


----------



## Marduk

Stop having sex with her!

Stop interacting with her in any way except to inform her of your lawyer's contact information.

"Wife, we're done. Sleep somewhere else, at your boyfriends, I don't care. Here's my lawyer's number. Don't talk to me, don't call me, don't interact with me in any way except about the kids. We are 100% done."


----------



## Openminded

No sex. Many women feel that men can very easily be led around and they don’t hesitate to use that to get their way. Sounds like it’s worked well for her so far. Stop. Expect her to really throw it at you if you tell her you’re divorcing her. She knows how to manipulate. It won’t be easy to get out but if you think with your real brain you’ll be okay.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

If you truly have decided to divorce her, best to stop having sex.

If waffling, still have sex.

If waffling only (and only) because of the sex, stop having sex. 

If waffling because of things (totally outside of sex) potentially repairable and you desire to make that repair effort, keep having sex.

Btw, if being executor of the estate is in reality outside her skill set, you need to stop having any expectations of her doing anything there, and getting on her case there. Hire someone. 

Hang in there.


----------



## Mr.Married

You need a lawyer, not internet advice.



I’m betting you swallow it all down and carry on yet again. You’ll be back at her next tragedy to explain why it’s OK to forgive her yet again...


----------



## jakeskate

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you truly have decided to divorce her, best to stop having sex.
> 
> If waffling, still have sex.
> 
> If waffling only (and only) because of the sex, stop having sex.
> 
> If waffling because of things (totally outside of sex) potentially repairable and you desire to make that repair effort, keep having sex.
> 
> Btw, if being executor of the estate is in reality outside her skill set, you need to stop having any expectations of her doing anything there, and getting on her case there. Hire someone.
> 
> Hang in there.


In a perfect world i would want things to work simply because she is all i know. been with her for 12 years which is by far the longest relationship i have ever had. We moved across the entire country together and have two kids. BUT i know if i work it out, it's going to happen again and again. she'll keep thinking she can do what she wants and get away with it. The executor thing is not my deal and i dont think it is within her skill set. She is in the process of appointing an executor where her family lived.

This is really difficult for my head and my heart. Especially when she's acting like nothing happened. I have a problem with sweeping things under the rug but i'm not gonna let that happen this time. Thank you for your advice.


----------



## jakeskate

Mr.Married said:


> You need a lawyer, not internet advice.
> 
> 
> 
> I’m betting you swallow it all down and carry on yet again. You’ll be back at her next tragedy to explain why it’s OK to forgive her yet again...


Yes i know. I refuse to swallow this down only to let it happen again. If we do end up being together forever its only going to happen after she realizes she's ruining her own life by me removing my emotional, physical and financial support and the safety net she relies on. Another inner battle is when to get an attorney how to pay for it and who to get. how do i navigate the separation when i refuse to leave my house? i'm not the one who did anyone wrong. she needs to leave but how can she afford that?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

jakeskate said:


> Yes i know. I refuse to swallow this down only to let it happen again. If we do end up being together forever its only going to happen after she realizes she's ruining her own life by me removing my emotional, physical and financial support and the safety net she relies on. Another inner battle is when to get an attorney how to pay for it and who to get. how do i navigate the separation when i refuse to leave my house? i'm not the one who did anyone wrong. she needs to leave but how can she afford that?


Kindly, you're pretty much showing some waffling here.

You need to decide one way or another. That will bring clarity on your next step, and executing the next step.


----------



## sunsetmist

I'm thinking this is a job for... @Taxman.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jakeskate said:


> Yes i know. I refuse to swallow this down only to let it happen again. *If we do end up being together forever its only going to happen after she realizes she's ruining her own life by me removing my emotional, physical and financial support and the safety net she relies on.* Another inner battle is when to get an attorney how to pay for it and who to get. how do i navigate the separation when i refuse to leave my house? i'm not the one who did anyone wrong. she needs to leave but how can she afford that?


And why in hell with this be ok with you?? You need to not even entertain that possibility, why would you allow this to happen just because she needs to use you as her safety net?? She is a serial cheater! You know there are a million women in the world who DONT CHEAT and could treat you well too. 

Stop the sex completely and immediately, and dont give in to any manipulative seduction. Who cares how she affords or manages to leave? That is HER problem, SHE made the choice to not work so now its up to her to play grownup and figure her **** out. Have an attorney write up a separation plan that spells out her leaving and you and your kids staying. Also HER problem? Her father's estate. Stay out of it, which should be pretty easy since you stated you dont want any of it. I am sorry you are in such a mess.


----------



## aquarius1

Sad that you are in this situation.
Everything else sucks, but the cheating is where I think you have to end the relationship. It's not going to stop, I think that you know that. 
And with all the drinking etc. it sounds like you are ready to stand up and be a better dad for your kids. She is a **** poor example for them.
Just a question. I don't know as Im not a lawyer. If you continually have sex with her, doesn't that keep pushing back the date of separation?


----------



## EleGirl

@jakeskate

Your other threads on this topic have been deleted. Only one thread on a topic please.

This thread is getting responses, there other two were not.


----------



## SunCMars

The thing is....

You are worried about the money aspect, primarily.

If necessary, file for bankruptcy.

Money lost can be regained. Get a full time job, if you have none and finance the lawyers fees and let the rest of the creditors wait.



M


----------



## Taxman

Jake marital issues aside, $200K due to your landlord's incompetence? Sir, you will immediately contact a litigator. You will sue your landlord for specific performance of your contract. Talk to the lawyer, bring your lease, bring any evidence. Your landlord's complete botching of his building project has jeopardized your investment. It is incumbent on him to provide immediately said parking lot, or you will sue him for losses incurred due to his incompetence. Your rights vary jurisdiction to jurisdiction. $200K is a pot full to lose due to this type of thing. Oh and by the way, I did leave public practice for about ten years to learn all there was to learn about commercial property. I learned I did not want to be in that business. Learned that you are very responsible for your tenants.

Before dealing with a wayward wife, you need to get this matter resolved.


----------



## Dragan Jovanovic

Yoi say that your wife doesnt jave where to go,bit you said that she inherited houses?? Why dont she go in one of those houses?? You say you dobt have any money but you also says that she ibherited buisneses? Which is it?


----------



## jakeskate

Dragan Jovanovic said:


> Yoi say that your wife doesnt jave where to go,bit you said that she inherited houses?? Why dont she go in one of those houses?? You say you dobt have any money but you also says that she ibherited buisneses? Which is it?


The houses are not livable and the estate is in limbo with probate. nothing was disbursed when her brother had control so the case needs to be reopened and a new 3rd party executor appointed. It's very complicated. Also the businesses at this point are not generating income other than rent money from tenants in the owned building where the business used to be. Wish things were that simple.


----------



## jakeskate

Taxman said:


> Jake marital issues aside, $200K due to your landlord's incompetence? Sir, you will immediately contact a litigator. You will sue your landlord for specific performance of your contract. Talk to the lawyer, bring your lease, bring any evidence. Your landlord's complete botching of his building project has jeopardized your investment. It is incumbent on him to provide immediately said parking lot, or you will sue him for losses incurred due to his incompetence. Your rights vary jurisdiction to jurisdiction. $200K is a pot full to lose due to this type of thing. Oh and by the way, I did leave public practice for about ten years to learn all there was to learn about commercial property. I learned I did not want to be in that business. Learned that you are very responsible for your tenants.
> 
> Before dealing with a wayward wife, you need to get this matter resolved.


Thanks @Taxman this is the best advice so far business wise. I have an appointment with a divorce atty on the 30th. but i agree with you that we can be amicable enough to get through the financial portions of this business. She needs to realize the store is doomed and will not open and we need to get out. The contract with the franchise has been voided for months. while they will keep our franchise fee (no big deal) at least we are not in a 10 year agreement with them anymore for the simple fact at how long it took for us to open our doors after signing with them. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney on the 30th but i'm thinking I will cancel that and get a business attorney instead. If i initiate divorce prior to getting this other crap settled i have a suspicion that create more of a nightmare when it comes to splitting things up in the divorce. Thanks again


----------



## aquarius1

jakeskate said:


> Thanks @Taxman this is the best advice so far business wise. I have an appointment with a divorce atty on the 30th. but i agree with you that we can be amicable enough to get through the financial portions of this business. She needs to realize the store is doomed and will not open and we need to get out. The contract with the franchise has been voided for months. while they will keep our franchise fee (no big deal) at least we are not in a 10 year agreement with them anymore for the simple fact at how long it took for us to open our doors after signing with them. I have an appointment with a divorce attorney on the 30th but i'm thinking I will cancel that and get a business attorney instead. If i initiate divorce prior to getting this other crap settled i have a suspicion that create more of a nightmare when it comes to splitting things up in the divorce. Thanks again


Always follow Taxman's advice. He will never steer you wrong!


----------



## jakeskate

aquarius1 said:


> Sad that you are in this situation.
> Everything else sucks, but the cheating is where I think you have to end the relationship. It's not going to stop, I think that you know that.
> And with all the drinking etc. it sounds like you are ready to stand up and be a better dad for your kids. She is a **** poor example for them.
> Just a question. I don't know as Im not a lawyer. If you continually have sex with her, doesn't that keep pushing back the date of separation?


Thank for the encouragement and i dont mean to sound like a weak ass but holy hell this hurts. I've never let any woman hurt me like this before so all of these tidbits of advice are a little harsh to hear. I've always been the aloof dont need a woman kind of guy. I'm good looking and talented and have had about a billion girlfriends. None lasting longer than a few months. Thats why this is really painful. 

Based on what the attorney told me last week. it only complicates the intent of the divorce. theres nothing legal about it. and separation is living apart and not sleeping in the same household. we could afternoon randevous daily and there would be no legal ramifications. I believe there needs to be a witness that can state if we're indeed "separated" and not been living together.


----------



## jakeskate

SunCMars said:


> The thing is....
> 
> You are worried about the money aspect, primarily.
> 
> If necessary, file for bankruptcy.
> 
> Money lost can be regained. *Get a full time job*, if you have none and finance the lawyers fees and let the rest of the creditors wait.
> 
> 
> 
> M


 I have a full time job and have been the sole income of our household for 10+ years


----------



## SunCMars

There is another issue, one that you experienced, as have others.

I will not go into any detail here because it becomes a thread jack.

It is this..


Why is it that infidelity often follows on the heels of a death in the family, often the father?!

The wayward spouse, WS, is usually the one reacting to the death by cheating. 

Your wife's father died prior to her cheating. And then her brother passed, and she strayed again?

Yes, it can also be the betrayed spouse's loss, BS’s, following the death of a loved one.
I know why this occurs astrologically, why this can/might occur. 

I will say, it is usually the wayward one's more common negative reaction, this infidelity.

When the death is not the father or mother and is a sibling, I can usually follow the pointers.

I refer the more fuller answer to my thread, _The Typist finds Grace._
I am aware that many on TAM, and in life think these answers of mine (and others) are pure _balderdash. _

That is OK. I need validation from no one.

Just my opinion, not humble.



King Brian-


----------



## Casual Observer

Taxman said:


> Jake marital issues aside, $200K due to your landlord's incompetence? Sir, you will immediately contact a litigator. You will sue your landlord for specific performance of your contract. Talk to the lawyer, bring your lease, bring any evidence. Your landlord's complete botching of his building project has jeopardized your investment. It is incumbent on him to provide immediately said parking lot, or you will sue him for losses incurred due to his incompetence. Your rights vary jurisdiction to jurisdiction. $200K is a pot full to lose due to this type of thing. Oh and by the way, I did leave public practice for about ten years to learn all there was to learn about commercial property. I learned I did not want to be in that business. Learned that you are very responsible for your tenants.
> 
> Before dealing with a wayward wife, you need to get this matter resolved.


Your advice is so obvious and on-point that one has to wonder, regarding issues in this relationship, if there's not a real big issue with OP making and appropriately dealing with his decisions. As described there's no way OP should be taking it on the chin for a $200k investment rendered useless by the landlord. Especially when he talks about a 3 year lease being up shortly. This isn't (apparently) on his wife; this is on him. He's far too willing to go into victim mode. One almost wonders if he wanted the $200k to go south so he could tell his wife what a stupid idea the franchise was, while his $10k idea would have been so much better. 

Sadly, I don't think the financial aspect of the $200k loss is the biggest issue here.


----------



## SunCMars

Casual Observer said:


> Sadly, I don't think the financial aspect of the $200k loss is the biggest issue here.


Who could 'logically' argue this point?

Alas, logic is not at play here. A married lass is. 
She played. Alas, she splayed.

*Maybe the will to win, went the way of the wayward wind.*

He had not the 'good fight' left in him.

The fire in his belly was put out by the thought of her extra curricular activities, those wetted Bartholin sharing dalliances.



The Typist I-


----------



## jakeskate

I was in full support of the franchise business and was also going to figure out the financials with regard to the incompetent landlord. Because of her infidelity It doesn't matter to me what happens at this point as long as my house is no longer on the hook. She can figure out how to recoup those funds, not me. I have been pointing out all of the signs along the way of why she she shouldn't do this business. She keeps referring to it as an investment and i keep correcting her that this is not an investment but just simply buying a job. The atty i spoke to that i have an appointment with on monday stated that he would need 5k upon our initial meeting. I still have not told her that i have a meeting with an attorney. Do i tell her prior? or does she find out when she sees 5k missing from our savings account? We continue to bleed money because we still have to pay for the SBA loan. ($2200 a month) We just went into the negative on our business account due to the overdraft of this payment. we only have 19k left in our savings account to cover the loan payments until we open and generate some income. But, we will not be opening or generating income. Instead of bleeding anymore she needs to stop the bleeding by paying off the loan with the inherited IRA and we can deal with the landlords BS after that. At least we're not having to pay anything there. I figure get a divorce lawyer while we still have something in saving instead of after we have nothing and can't afford a divorce. Then i'm really stuck! or do I wait until we get the business drama settled then pay a divorce lawyer? I'm so torn on what the right and least painful thing is to do here!!! F%@#!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Tilted 1

I say cover your personal priority first translation pay for the Divorce lawyer. So it's out of the way and then untangle the remaining.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

Tilted 1 said:


> I say cover your personal priority first translation pay for the Divorce lawyer. So it's out of the way and then untangle the remaining.


Agree.


----------



## jakeskate

Do i inform her that i am going to the attorney prior? or just go without her knowledge? Also she is all over me lately. way more touchy feely and keeps wanting to cuddle and have sex. I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me to give me a false sense of security so that i dont go thru with any proceedings... Am i off base here? I just have a really hard time understanding how someone could be this mental in their behavior. especially the woman i have loved for 12 years and had children with. I thought i knew her


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jakeskate said:


> Do i inform her that i am going to the attorney prior? or just go without her knowledge? Also she is all over me lately. way more touchy feely and keeps wanting to cuddle and have sex. I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me to give me a false sense of security so that i dont go thru with any proceedings... Am i off base here? I just have a really hard time understanding how someone could be this mental in their behavior. especially the woman i have loved for 12 years and had children with. I thought i knew her


My suggestion is to not say a word, just go do what you need to do. She will only fight harder.


----------



## Tilted 1

3Xnocharm said:


> My suggestion is to not say a word, just go do what you need to do. She will only fight harder.


Exactly say nothing. And let served papers do your talking.


----------



## aquarius1

jakeskate said:


> Do i inform her that i am going to the attorney prior? or just go without her knowledge? Also she is all over me lately. way more touchy feely and keeps wanting to cuddle and have sex. I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me to give me a false sense of security so that i dont go thru with any proceedings... Am i off base here? I just have a really hard time understanding how someone could be this mental in their behavior. especially the woman i have loved for 12 years and had children with. I thought i knew her


I'm sorry to hit you with a brutal truth. But you don't know her. Not sure that you ever have. 
How does someone you love allow another man to ...um...have sex with her? Touch her? Please her?
(I was trying not to be too graphic for sensitivity's sake but I think that you get my point)

Why should you tell her? Did she tell you before she had those affairs? 

What exactly are you hoping for when you tell her? That your world will be righted? That her infidelities never happened? That you can somehow magically stop hurting from the betrayal, lies and deceit?

It's because you are a decent sort and feel guilty for talking to an attorney. Don't

You have to do this. She has given you no choice. Does she have issues? yep. But is she addressing them? She needs to face her demons. She's escaping and dragging you along for the ride.

Be angry. Be indignant. How can everything that you have been together mean so little to her that she would do these things?

Truly, sir, you are worth SO much more than this. Show your kids that. You owe them the example of personal boundaries and dignity (and self-worth)
If they ask just tell them age appropriate things. "mommy has a boyfriend and that's not allowed in marriage"

Let her own it for a change.

The reason for the cuddling? Could be hysterical bonding (look it up). Could be she's trying to love bomb you to convince you not to leave.
I suspect that she senses the hammer is about to lower. She's hoping to sex you into staying. 

Until the next time. 

Don't let there be a next time.


----------



## Casual Observer

I will remain in the minority here with my belief that the failure/walking away from the business venture is a far bigger indication of root issues with OP than the marriage. I've been in business for 40 years, have seen the ups and downs and it's a constant struggle. Always. And the only, absolutely the ONLY person in control of success or failure is the person looking back at you in the mirror. Nobody puts $200k into a business venture, believes it's been torpedoed by a landlord, and is willing to walk away from it without a fight. Anybody who can do that is NOT going to succeed. Period. The willingness to see this as something to walk away from, to be relieved its over rather than actively seek to recover damages from whomever screwed you... it's quite telling, to me. And, to me, it casts doubt on the seriousness of any effort to really make the marriage succeed as well.

Just my rather-harsh 2 cents.


----------



## jakeskate

aquarius1 said:


> I'm sorry to hit you with a brutal truth. But you don't know her. Not sure that you ever have.
> How does someone you love allow another man to ...um...have sex with her? Touch her? Please her?
> (I was trying not to be too graphic for sensitivity's sake but I think that you get my point)
> 
> Why should you tell her? Did she tell you before she had those affairs?
> 
> What exactly are you hoping for when you tell her? That your world will be righted? That her infidelities never happened? That you can somehow magically stop hurting from the betrayal, lies and deceit?
> 
> It's because you are a decent sort and feel guilty for talking to an attorney. Don't
> 
> You have to do this. She has given you no choice. Does she have issues? yep. But is she addressing them? She needs to face her demons. She's escaping and dragging you along for the ride.
> 
> Be angry. Be indignant. How can everything that you have been together mean so little to her that she would do these things?
> 
> Truly, sir, you are worth SO much more than this. Show your kids that. You owe them the example of personal boundaries and dignity (and self-worth)
> If they ask just tell them age appropriate things. "mommy has a boyfriend and that's not allowed in marriage"
> 
> Let her own it for a change.
> 
> The reason for the cuddling? Could be hysterical bonding (look it up). Could be she's trying to love bomb you to convince you not to leave.
> I suspect that she senses the hammer is about to lower. She's hoping to sex you into staying.
> 
> Until the next time.
> 
> Don't let there be a next time.


Yeah thats another thing. I promised her i would not talk bad about her to the kids because that does nothing positive for them. But i agree with you in the way that telling the kids the truth is not talking bad about her, it's just telling them the reason we wont be together anymore. They already know something is going on with us. It's reflecting in their behavior at home and school lately. She doesn't think they know. I told her she doesn't give them enough credit. They're really intelligent and i'm not just saying that because they're mine. 

and as far as the hysterical bonding and the love bombs, you're right again! she keeps making little melancholy comments under her breath almost pouting as it comes out of her mouth. Things like, "next year i'll have my own christmas tree" boo hoo.. and "I want to take Elise (our yellow lab) with me." 

It really makes me frustrated when she talks about anything to do with her dads estate. I'm always thinking in the back of my head while she has these convo's on the phone or to her mother/friends is that the estate has sat there for almost 4 years and nothing has happened. whats another few months at the most? Our business, our house, and our kids need to be priority. I have a feeling i'm going to file for divorce, she's not going to take any steps to get a job or leave and get her own place or pay the loan off with the inherited IRA and stew on it, do nothing and end up drinking herself to death like her dad and brother. Serious thoughts here... :surprise:


----------



## lifeistooshort

Of course she's all over you....she doesn't have better options and sex is really all she has to offer.

And you better be careful.....sex is going to nullify a separation agreement. Judges can take that as a sign of reconciliation and you'll have to start you waiting period over.

You've got a wife who ****s someone else when she feels bad but is fine allowing you to keep supporting her. Keep this in mind.


----------



## jakeskate

Casual Observer said:


> I will remain in the minority here with my belief that the failure/walking away from the business venture is a far bigger indication of root issues with OP than the marriage. I've been in business for 40 years, have seen the ups and downs and it's a constant struggle. Always. And the only, absolutely the ONLY person in control of success or failure is the person looking back at you in the mirror. Nobody puts $200k into a business venture, believes it's been torpedoed by a landlord, and is willing to walk away from it without a fight. Anybody who can do that is NOT going to succeed. Period. The willingness to see this as something to walk away from, to be relieved its over rather than actively seek to recover damages from whomever screwed you... it's quite telling, to me. And, to me, it casts doubt on the seriousness of any effort to really make the marriage succeed as well.
> 
> Just my rather-harsh 2 cents.


You're right! she has always made these really self destructive decisions that will have no other outcome than failure so she can just sit and marinate in her sorrows and how much she is the bad guy/gal. She must yearn for the drama! revel in the tragedy and then self loathe almost so she can hear someone else tell her she is wrong and fish for compliments. I've been blind to this crap for too long and it's all coming into the light now. I'm a little disappointed in myself for not waking up to it. I've always been an amazing judge of character and my gut is right 9/10 of the time. I wish i could tap into my intuition. I remember 6 months ago having these heavy feelings that something big was going to happen or a significant and uncomfortable change was coming. It would be a gift if i could decipher what these thoughts and feelings meant so i could save myself a lot of grief. Also the vivid dreams i have and i can remember every detail.... to be able to interpret.... ok now i'm getting a little to deep on y'all


----------



## jakeskate

lifeistooshort said:


> Of course she's all over you....she doesn't have better options and sex is really all she has to offer.
> 
> And you better be careful.....sex is going to nullify a separation agreement. Judges can take that as a sign of reconciliation and you'll have to start you waiting period over.
> 
> You've got a wife who ****s someone else when she feels bad but is fine allowing you to keep supporting her. Keep this in mind.


yeah, but currently there is no separation agreement. not until monday. y'all are all really spot on!!! Thanks!


----------



## aquarius1

jakeskate said:


> Yeah thats another thing. I promised her i would not talk bad about her to the kids because that does nothing positive for them. But i agree with you in the way that telling the kids the truth is not talking bad about her, it's just telling them the reason we wont be together anymore. They already know something is going on with us. It's reflecting in their behavior at home and school lately. She doesn't think they know. I told her she doesn't give them enough credit. They're really intelligent and i'm not just saying that because they're mine.
> 
> and as far as the hysterical bonding and the love bombs, you're right again! she keeps making little melancholy comments under her breath almost pouting as it comes out of her mouth. Things like, "next year i'll have my own christmas tree" boo hoo.. and "I want to take Elise (our yellow lab) with me."
> 
> It really makes me frustrated when she talks about anything to do with her dads estate. I'm always thinking in the back of my head while she has these convo's on the phone or to her mother/friends is that the estate has sat there for almost 4 years and nothing has happened. whats another few months at the most? Our business, our house, and our kids need to be priority. I have a feeling i'm going to file for divorce, she's not going to take any steps to get a job or leave and get her own place or pay the loan off with the inherited IRA and stew on it, do nothing and end up drinking herself to death like her dad and brother. Serious thoughts here... :surprise:


And that, sir, is the reason why you fight for primary custody. You HAVE to protect those children.


----------



## Casual Observer

jakeskate said:


> You're right! she has always made these really self destructive decisions that will have no other outcome than failure so she can just sit and marinate in her sorrows and how much she is the bad guy/gal. She must yearn for the drama! revel in the tragedy and then self loathe almost so she can hear someone else tell her she is wrong and fish for compliments. I've been blind to this crap for too long and it's all coming into the light now. I'm a little disappointed in myself for not waking up to it. I've always been an amazing judge of character and my gut is right 9/10 of the time. I wish i could tap into my intuition. I remember 6 months ago having these heavy feelings that something big was going to happen or a significant and uncomfortable change was coming. It would be a gift if i could decipher what these thoughts and feelings meant so i could save myself a lot of grief. Also the vivid dreams i have and i can remember every detail.... to be able to interpret.... ok now i'm getting a little to deep on y'all


So the Smoothie venture was entirely her deal, with no input from you?


----------



## jakeskate

Casual Observer said:


> So the Smoothie venture was entirely her deal, with no input from you?


Correct!!! she just needed my signature and moral/ emotional support. She got this large inheritance and wanted to invest but would not entertain my sound advice and suggestions on what we should really do with the money. I have a high IQ and know business and investment sense. I had businesses and did some real estate in my early 20's. Got into workin for the man when i met her because she was concerned my career history was too unpredictable to be able to support a family. I was going to start a lawn car business this past spring and had it all mapped out. had customers lined up and everything but it was shot down because of the smoothie franchise. She didn't want me to show her how it's supposed to be done..... Doh!!! :wink2:


----------



## Casual Observer

jakeskate said:


> Correct!!! she just needed my signature and moral/ emotional support. She got this large inheritance and wanted to invest but would not entertain my sound advice and suggestions on what we should really do with the money. I have a high IQ and know business and investment sense. I had businesses and did some real estate in my early 20's. Got into workin for the man when i met her because she was concerned my career history was too unpredictable to be able to support a family. I was going to start a lawn car business this past spring and had it all mapped out. had customers lined up and everything but it was shot down because of the smoothie franchise. She didn't want me to show her how it's supposed to be done..... Doh!!! :wink2:


What happened when things went south with the building? Were you there to help with that, or did you figure it was her deal and just watch things go down the toilet? What's her attitude about it all?


----------



## jakeskate

Casual Observer said:


> What happened when things went south with the building? Were you there to help with that, or did you figure it was her deal and just watch things go down the toilet? What's her attitude about it all?


I have been helpful this whole time. basically following her lead on what she wants to do. she just wants to walk and sell the business now. As for the building, the landlord has been stringing us a long since august 21st. That was our projected opening date. He keeps saying his engineer is resubmitting to the county again and again every few weeks. Whether or not that is happening, the end result is still the same. We dont have a paved parking lot which prevents us from getting a certificate of occupancy which also prevents us from getting a business license to be able to shoe the lender to get any more funding. (working capital) Construction, up-fit and equipment have been funded and paid for but utilities for the building that we are not generating any income from are coming out of my pocket from my full time job and whatever we have left in savings, which i am going to need to pay a divorce attorney now. Not to mention the business attorney we'll need to pay to sue the landlord. It's an effing mess!!!


----------



## Marduk

jakeskate said:


> Do i inform her that i am going to the attorney prior?


No.


> or just go without her knowledge?


Yes.


> Also she is all over me lately. way more touchy feely and keeps wanting to cuddle and have sex.


Don't allow any of that.


> I feel like she's just trying to manipulate me to give me a false sense of security so that i dont go thru with any proceedings...


She's in control, and you're letting her.


> Am i off base here?


You're not off base here, but she's the one with the plan here. You're just playing along.


> I just have a really hard time understanding how someone could be this mental in their behavior.


She does it because it works.


> especially the woman i have loved for 12 years and had children with.


She allows herself to do it because she has no integrity.


> I thought i knew her


Well, you sure do now. So what are you going to do about it?


----------



## jakeskate

Marduk said:


> No.
> 
> Yes.
> 
> Don't allow any of that.
> 
> She's in control, and you're letting her.
> 
> You're not off base here, but she's the one with the plan here. You're just playing along.
> 
> She does it because it works.
> 
> She allows herself to do it because she has no integrity.
> 
> Well, you sure do now. So what are you going to do about it?


I am starting divorce proceedings on monday morning. Had a consultation on 12/20.


----------



## jakeskate

I am curious how it's going to go though. I dont know if i can prove adultery. The only thing i have to go on is that she admitted it to me. South Carolina is historically on the mom's/wife's side unless i can prove she is unfit or prove adultery. I guess i'll just have to see what the attorney says or advises. I dont want the kids to have to move and i dont want to get rid of my house. She has always said she resents me for buying this house and she hates it. So we've already established she doesn't want the house or to live there. I'm just fearful that even though i initiated divorce, she's going to be the one coming out smelling like a rose and i'm not the one in the wrong here.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

jakeskate said:


> I am curious how it's going to go though. I dont know if i can prove adultery. The only thing i have to go on is that she admitted it to me. South Carolina is historically on the mom's/wife's side unless i can prove she is unfit or prove adultery. I guess i'll just have to see what the attorney says or advises. I dont want the kids to have to move and i dont want to get rid of my house. She has always said she resents me for buying this house and she hates it. So we've already established she doesn't want the house or to live there. I'm just fearful that even though i initiated divorce, she's going to be the one coming out smelling like a rose and i'm not the one in the wrong here.


One issue you may run into with the whole adultery thing.. seems i have read somewhere that you having sex with her AFTER learning of the adultery will cancel out you being able to file with that as the grounds. Its essentially consent. Dont let anyone scare you into not fighting for custody though, no matter how much they try and convince you it wont happen. Go for it no matter what, that AND the house.


----------



## jakeskate

3Xnocharm said:


> One issue you may run into with the whole adultery thing.. seems i have read somewhere that you having sex with her AFTER learning of the adultery will cancel out you being able to file with that as the grounds. Its essentially consent. Dont let anyone scare you into not fighting for custody though, no matter how much they try and convince you it wont happen. Go for it no matter what, that AND the house.


we did one time but isn't that hearsay? can't prove that either.. wouldn't be her word against mine? this is such a convoluted process and i dont want to end up getting ****ed because of her crappy decisions.


----------



## BluesPower

jakeskate said:


> we did one time but isn't that hearsay? can't prove that either.. wouldn't be her word against mine? this is such a convoluted process and i dont want to end up getting ****ed because of her crappy decisions.


Most states are no fault and a few allow adultery. Can't remember your state. 

And, when that is allowed you have to have complete proof and I don't think you have that. 

Also, most states, if not all, lean toward the wife, it just is what it is. 

Fight hard, get the best deal you can get and get out.

Hang in there...


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jakeskate said:


> I have been helpful this whole time. basically following her lead on what she wants to do.


Just caught up. 
You were first married, had a business idea and she shot it down.
You had another business idea, she received an inheritance and she shot it down.
She had a terrible business idea, you explained the issues and you supported it.

See the problem?

I am not saying you should have been a bossy, controlling or a jerk but you sound like you’ve been a passenger in your marriage.

Those deaths didn’t make her cheat, I’d argue she was looking for someone who wasn’t weak in her eyes. Then she finds out that sex was all they wanted and you are her supporting lifeline. So, you now know you are always plan B.


Nope, not blaming you just pointing it out for your next relationship.


----------



## jakeskate

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Just caught up.
> You were first married, had a business idea and she shot it down.
> You had another business idea, she received an inheritance and she shot it down.
> She had a terrible business idea, you explained the issues and you supported it.
> 
> See the problem?
> 
> I am not saying you should have been a bossy, controlling or a jerk but you sound like you’ve been a passenger in your marriage.
> 
> Those deaths didn’t make her cheat, I’d argue she was looking for someone who wasn’t weak in her eyes. Then she finds out that sex was all they wanted and you are her supporting lifeline. So, you now know you are always plan B.
> 
> 
> Nope, not blaming you just pointing it out for your next relationship.


I'm aware of what you're saying. Its a slippery slope though when she feels without purpose and the money inherited is not mine. I kind of have to let her do what she wants because of the sentimental stigma that the money came with. Not my dad and not my inheritance. and i can make excuses and try to justify the reasons for being weak but it does no good at this point. whats done is done. But I am not being the weak one anymore. I've had enough and am initiating the divorce. I just really hope i dont get screwed when i did nothing wrong. I want whats best for my kids above everything else and they shouldn't have to suffer because of her bad decisions. She's always said no matter what she would never keep my kids from me and i've said the same thing in regards to her. I am crossing my fingers things can be amicable but i have a feeling she's gonna flip out when she finds out i've filed for divorce. BTW i am not moving out of my house. She can move out. she can use whats left of her inheritance to do whatever she wants. i want nothing from her.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

A one off is a slippery slope, you set the pattern long before the inheritance happened. I hope it is amicable, but two affairs is already one to many. She has shown you who She is twice, stay strong and find happiness.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

jakeskate said:


> we did one time but isn't that hearsay? can't prove that either.. wouldn't be her word against mine? this is such a convoluted process and i dont want to end up getting ****ed because of her crappy decisions.


Just keep your mouth shut about it to anyone else, except your lawyer.


----------



## jakeskate

phillybeffandswiss said:


> A one off is a slippery slope, you set the pattern long before the inheritance happened. I hope it is amicable, but two affairs is already one to many. She has shown you who She is twice, stay strong and find happiness.





phillybeffandswiss said:


> Just keep your mouth shut about it to anyone else, except your lawyer.


well said and thank you!!!


----------



## MattMatt

@jakeskate, see a lawyer.


----------



## jlg07

Jake, get a VAR and see if you can get her to admit to a PA again --- get it on tape. From what I just looked up (of COURSE verify with your South Carolina recording law stipulates that it is a one-party consent state"

IF you do need proof of her cheating.


----------



## Taxman

Sir, this woman brings catastrophe with her. First, I am a financial professional, second I have been burned and have represented those that have been burned by franchises, or those appointed to build on behalf of the franchises. Your lawyer needs to be advised of the sketchy situation that she has put you in. TBH a whole lot of alarm bells are going off in my head. From the second you mentioned landlord and improperly graded parking, non compliant facility negating a franchise agreement, my teeth instantly clenched. You need to lay all of this out to your new legal rep. I believe that a good litigator may be needed to get your name off any agreements that my bind you to this business. Divorce arising from business failure is fairly commonplace. So is sticking the ex with the debts. As I say to my clients, lets make sure to secure your assets and cover your ass. You can mourn the death of your marriage after you make damn sure she does not take down your future along with hers. Oh and PS, you say you are in SC? Ding! ding! ding! It's an "at fault" state. Adultery is grounds for divorce. Whole lot of considerations there.


----------



## jakeskate

Taxman said:


> Sir, this woman brings catastrophe with her. First, I am a financial professional, second I have been burned and have represented those that have been burned by franchises, or those appointed to build on behalf of the franchises. Your lawyer needs to be advised of the sketchy situation that she has put you in. TBH a whole lot of alarm bells are going off in my head. From the second you mentioned landlord and improperly graded parking, non compliant facility negating a franchise agreement, my teeth instantly clenched. You need to lay all of this out to your new legal rep. I believe that a good litigator may be needed to get your name off any agreements that my bind you to this business. Divorce arising from business failure is fairly commonplace. So is sticking the ex with the debts. As I say to my clients, lets make sure to secure your assets and cover your ass. You can mourn the death of your marriage after you make damn sure she does not take down your future along with hers. Oh and PS, you say you are in SC? Ding! ding! ding! It's an "at fault" state. Adultery is grounds for divorce. Whole lot of considerations there.


Not sure what type of attorney would deal with this issue. I have a meeting with a divorce attorney today at 10am so i can see if he might be able to shed some light on where to go for help on the business portion. i put some feelers out there last week to see about getting an attorney for the business but i was pointed in the direction of the attorney barr referral service because no one knows who the right person for the job is...


----------



## Taxman

If your divorce atty is with a full service firm, there will be a litigator available.


----------



## jakeskate

Taxman said:


> If your divorce atty is with a full service firm, there will be a litigator available.


he's got some names of people that can help. was a great meeting and now the work begins. Thanks for your support


----------

