# I confronted him...need major support



## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

I let my emotions get the better of me and this morning I confronted him about all of the hotel stays. I did it on the phone which was easier for me because I always retreat in person, plus I was able to record the entire conversation. He was extremely calm. He was impressed with my investigative skills. He refused to admit to having an affair. He said yes he made the reservations, but it would not benefit him in any way to tell me why. That I can think what I want to think. He wouldn't confirm nor deny, but he kept trying to make me feel like the bad person because I investigated him. I told him that I just wanted honesty, that only a morally bankrupt person would betray their spouse in such a way and for so long. He said he did not disagree. I told him about all the suggestive emails. He said I can read into them whatever I want. I think he's just protecting her. I asked if he would go see a MC. He said "why? If you're investigating me you obviously don't trust me so what purpose would it serve?" I asked if we could sit down and talk when he got home tonight. He said no, that I was going to do my thing and he would do his. He's trying to make me feel like the bad person, that even though I have hotel receipts, texts and emails that that doesn't prove he was cheating and it's all in my head and I am an idiot. I didn't tell him about how I saw the google searches about having sex with your best friend, or the ones I saw today after he left where he was looking at incest porn and looking at craigslist ads for sex and couple swapping. 

He has such a history of deceit and is so convincing. He took it so calmly that I am scared what he might do. He has nothing on me, I've done nothing he could smear me with, but when he feels that someone has outwitted him he devotes his heart and soul to destroying that person. THAT'S what scares me. I don't have money for an attorney and he has down that his income is $1000 a month (I always thought we were broke, but recently found out that he's been spending thousands at the casino, but does it out of the business accounts. He has a business with the OW). He also said that he'll change his passwords and make sure I never can spy on him again. Please tell me that I did the right thing confronting him. I just couldn't take the emotional turmoil any longer. He has always been emotionally abusive, telling me that everything wrong in his life was somehow my fault, so now he's having me doubt all this evidence I've found and making me feel like a POS. He also told me not to involve anyone else or disparage his name by telling people my suspicions about his adultery. That if I believed it, fine, but I should keep my delusions to myself. I'm trying to stay strong for the kids, but I'm also a major ball of nerves.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to stick to one thread so people don't have to search through you history to figure out what's going on.

What's done is done. Go to an attorney, explain what's going on, and see what they advise. Get the free consult. They may be able to get you access to his money.

Why on earth would you offer MC, he's a monster.

Isn't his affair partner married? Her husband needs to be told.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

1. Emotionally abusive.
2. Possible Gambling Problem.
3. Possibly Having An Affair.
4. Blames You For His Problems.
5. No Willing To Seek Help.

None of these things to me sound like a good spouse why are you staying with this man again?


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Sorry about the thread thing. I'm new to forums and wasn't sure about etiquette. 

I suggested MC just to see what he'd say. I think the reason he won't admit to anything is because he's protecting her. He said previously that it wouldn't look good if they both divorced at the same time. Not that I care about what looks good for him, but I'm afraid of what he might do if he even suspected that I might tell her husband. He has never been violent even in the slightest, but then again, what do I REALLY know about him after all he's hidden and lied about?


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Oh, I've stayed with him because of the kids, plus when he's in a good mood he's like the perfect husband, so every time I'd start to hate him he'd switch around and be wonderful again.

Oh, I also told him I wanted him to confess because of the STD risk. He said if I had an STD he'd give me a million dollars.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

One word:*Bail!*

He's a cheater of the worst kind, no remorse, no guilt and makes everything your fault. Get out now.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I read your first post on your other thread and you said you had already consulted an attorney. Time to call the attorney again. 

I can see why you posted here for emotional support, but now that you've tipped your hand, you need legal advice, and fast. It's time to be decisive about divorce because even if you think you might want to reconcile with him (though I can't imagine why - really, INCEST PORN???), you would have to do that after a divorce. Because this guy, as deep as he is into his deceptive lifestyle and as cruel as he's being to you, is no candidate for reconciliation now or in the near future. (In my opinion, he would never be, but that's up to you.)

Plus, you need time to get AWAY from him and get yourself detached and emotionally more healthy. You're probably feeling worn down and your self-esteem has been battered, and for the coming months you'd be in no position to have dealings with an ego maniac like him - you'd be toast; he'd walk all over you. There'd be no equal footing. He wouldn't treat you like an equal because he wouldn't view you as one. There can be no reconciliation under those circumstances. Get ready to GET AWAY. You need to get legally separated, soon - ideally living apart. This can't be good for you or your kids. 

And speaking of kids, don't kid yourself - there's nothing "wonderful" about a father who searches for INCEST PORN. How will you feel when your kids find that stuff? It's not a matter of IF they will find it when they live with him - it's WHEN. Kids are not stupid when it comes to computers - they're WAY better than adults. 

You found it, didn't you?


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## waylan (Apr 23, 2014)

No remorse and no respect for you as his wife. Lose him quick.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree with the above posters. I have no experience with R, but cannot see how it could be possible with a cheater that is not remorseful.

You do not need his crap in your life.

He doesn't deserve you.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Leaf,
Why should you get scared that he might harm you?
He has done serious damages, and there is nothing worse than that.

Now, try to get support from your close ones. Take the help of a real good friend, a wise one. Deal one thing at a time. Okay?
You will come out of this.......
Prayers.
AU


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

If your possible WH isn't willing to admit to anything or willing to work on anything or.Willing to get any sort of help + he being protective of his possible WO.

Then I see no point in you staying with him IMO of course


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

He knows he can get away with just about anything and you will just sit there and make a weak attempt to question him and be satisfied with getting no answers.

If he's the money maker then he's responsible for supporting you in a divorce. You don't need any proof, you know he's cheating so find an attorney and get him served and make sure the attorney asks for a generous amount for support so you have enough to live on.

If you live in a state where marital infidelity is considered by the courts then discuss your findings with the attorney to see if you can build a case for "fault" that may improve your share of the divorce proceeds.

There's nothing to save here.

Nothing.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Another vote to bail. If you Stat in these circumstances, you will become an empty shell. Don't let him take that... leave.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

See a lawyer first thing Monday morning. There is nothing to save here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

He gave you no answers to buy himself time. My guess is his next move will be to pretend everything is normal. He thinks of he waits you out you will get tired and drop it.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

I'm going to ask him to leave. He shouldn't give me much trouble because he said he's been wanting to leave for years. He has been around so infrequently that him leaving would be least disruptive to the kids. Plus my rent here is better than I'd get anywhere else and I have an awesome landlord, so it only makes sense for him to leave. 

The only way I can get an attorney right now is if I can find one that will bill him, and he's not a good risk because of his past habits of ditching his business when the debt gets too high. Then again, he's ticked off so many judges and attorneys in this town that someone might work with me just to piss him off. I'm hoping he will be reasonable and I am going to do my best to keep a cool head about it. 

One interesting thing, though, since confronting him this morning I feel almost a sense of peacefulness. Suddenly the jealousy and rage over his betrayal has abated and I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I am scared of what will happen next, but hopeful of my future.


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

Acoa said:


> He gave you no answers to buy himself time. My guess is his next move will be to pretend everything is normal. He thinks of he waits you out you will get tired and drop it.


I agree that he is buying time. When he's been confronted on anything he usually backs away until he has some argument that gives him the upper hand, then he hits hard. In the past I would just drop everything after a few days and everything would go on as if nothing happened, but I don't know how you drop hard evidence and act like everything is normal. I've really spoiled him over the past eleven years, so being on his own is going to be a major shock to his system. He hasn't had to do anything for himself, I even have his coffee waiting as soon as he gets up, dinner ready every night regardless of when he gets home and great sex pretty much on demand. He is definitely in for a rude awakening. That in itself gives me some satisfaction


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Leafwhisper, my take is he's wanting you to kick him out to spare him the guilt of deserting you. If there's a silver lining to this cloud its that you'll be rid of the bastard. The way you describe it, you ain't losing a hell of a lot. Ain't much that sucks the life out of you worse than a spouse that doesn't want to be there.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

Good luck leaf remember to stay strong.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Don't do him anymore favors. If he asks for coffee, give him directions to the nearest coffee shop.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Tell the other women's husband.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

When a spouse is wrongly accused of cheating they will prove to you that they are not. They will want to clear their name and moat importantly your suspicions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Wow. He is an awful person. Stonewalling. Evil.

Get out as soon as you can. Talk to a lawyer and he will make sure your husband pays his fees.

Stay strong and trust yourself.


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## Turin74 (Apr 11, 2014)

... and even that will be too much of a favor. Agrree with Acoa, he's bying time. Interestingly enough he demonstrates what's called a 'woman logic', when the facts are secondary to your perception towards them. Not worth it.




Acoa said:


> Don't do him anymore favors. If he asks for coffee, give him directions to the nearest coffee shop.


 _Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Leafwhisper (Jul 11, 2014)

mablenc said:


> When a spouse is wrongly accused of cheating they will prove to you that they are not. They will want to clear their name and moat importantly your suspicions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That's what I told him. I first just mentioned the hotel stay from this past Wednesday. He said yes he made the reservation, but it wasn't for him and he would not tell me who it was for. I kept on him about why wouldn't he want to clear his name if it were such an innocent thing. Finally he said he got the room for the OW's sister and her husband who were in town visiting. I said , ok, well what about the other eight hotel stays I found, paid with your credit card? He got real agitated and said he COULD tell me but that there was no benefit to him to tell and I obviously have formed my own erroneous opinions.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Leafwhisper said:


> That's what I told him. I first just mentioned the hotel stay from this past Wednesday. He said yes he made the reservation, but it wasn't for him and he would not tell me who it was for. I kept on him about why wouldn't he want to clear his name if it were such an innocent thing. Finally he said he got the room for the OW's sister and her husband who were in town visiting. I said , ok, well what about the other eight hotel stays I found, paid with your credit card? He got real agitated and said he COULD tell me but that there was no benefit to him to tell and I obviously have formed my own erroneous opinions.


Just guessing here but it sounds like you might have some hope left that he isn't as bad as your gut is telling you. Maybe you are unsure. Please be strong and start thinking about yourself. Take the advice of the people here. They've seen and helped a lot. Make the strong move and bail. After you've stepped away you'll be able to assess the situation better not being so close to it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Fantastic stories are all you will get from him. They aren't worth the time it takes to listen to them and there's no point.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Leafwhisper said:


> That's what I told him. I first just mentioned the hotel stay from this past Wednesday. He said yes he made the reservation, but it wasn't for him and he would not tell me who it was for. I kept on him about why wouldn't he want to clear his name if it were such an innocent thing. Finally he said he got the room for the OW's sister and her husband who were in town visiting. I said , ok, well what about the other eight hotel stays I found, paid with your credit card? *He got real agitated and said he COULD tell me but that there was no benefit to him to tell and I obviously have formed my own erroneous opinions.*


Question... has he been sleeping at home? Were these supposedly overnight stays?

Either way, if he _wasn't_ at the hotel w/ OW, it would have _*greatly*_ benefitted him to ease or altogether eliminate your suspicions by finding a way to prove to you that he wasn't there.

That he's throwing all of this bullsh*t at you and expecting you to buy it is nothing short of insulting. Don't let him make you doubt yourself!!! It'd be one thing if he came clean and admitted to everything, ended the affair, cut off all contact w/ OW, begged for your forgiveness, etc... but he's not. Everything that he's saying reeks of disrespect, entitlement, and a total lack of remorse.

Divorce his sorry @$$, and don't look back. Ever.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Leafwhisper, your WH is not only a lying cheat but also, I believe, dangerous. He is psychotic in his behaviour. For this reason, I would put as much distance between him and you as possible.

He is also not particularly bright - you are much brighter. You caught him! You have the evidence. He knows you are cleverer and is back-pedalling for time while he works out what to do.

His responses to you have been childish and devoid of any kind of thinking. He has also been unnecessarily cruel. But he knows you have the upper hand although he thought he could threaten/psyche you into not exposing his crap.

Now that you have him over a barrel, secure your evidence offsite. If you do not know how to do this we can advise. Next lawyer up and secure your finances etc. Then go nuclear on him and whoever else is involved in his activities.

You have the brains and the upper hand - you only need a little more confidence and advice and that is what this board can give you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Now that you have him over a barrel, secure your evidence offsite. If you do not know how to do this we can advise.


^This is very, very important. Think "Cloud" services like Carbonite, Dropbox, Google Drive, and SugarSync. Be careful, though... if you're simply syncing folders w/ any of these services, and the local folder w/ which you're syncing gets deleted (by your husband, for example), you'll lose the data. It would be best to simply upload everything.

It may be a good idea to also load everything onto an external hard drive or USB memory stick and put it into a safe deposit box.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Leafwhisper said:


> That's what I told him. I first just mentioned the hotel stay from this past Wednesday. He said yes he made the reservation, but it wasn't for him and he would not tell me who it was for. I kept on him about why wouldn't he want to clear his name if it were such an innocent thing. Finally he said he got the room for the OW's sister and her husband who were in town visiting. I said , ok, well what about the other eight hotel stays I found, paid with your credit card? He got real agitated and said he COULD tell me but that there was no benefit to him to tell and I obviously have formed my own erroneous opinions.


Well, he doesn't seem to care much about what you think then. 
Obviously he been up to no good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

hopefulgirl said:


> And speaking of kids, don't kid yourself - there's nothing "wonderful" about a father who searches for INCEST PORN. How will you feel when your kids find that stuff? It's not a matter of IF they will find it when they live with him - it's WHEN. Kids are not stupid when it comes to computers - they're WAY better than adults.
> 
> You found it, didn't you?


NOT TO MENTION... do you want your kids living with such a skilled, practiced liar, who destroys those who outwit them, full time? Looking up to him as a role model? Honestly, those sound like warning signs pointing to narcissism to me. Obviously, I'm not a psychiatrist or qualified medical professional, but those are not qualities you want your kids to be observing day in and day out.

You really need to seek legal advice immediately. And implement the 180. And look after yourself and your kids -- eat something, drink something (to hydrate yourself ;-)), call your doctor (to get tested for STDs), breathe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you cannot afford an attorney, in most states you can file for divorce without one. Most states have self-help websites and even people who can help you fill out the paperwork.

You can also use legal zoom and other such services.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He clearly doesn't respect you, his marriage or himself.

Give him what he craves. A divorce.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

Hi leafwhisper, so sorry for the circumstance you're under. Please google Gaslighting, i think he's doing it to you, making you feel crazy and delusional when you're not. 

Oh yeah, he's so perfect that everything that's wrong in his life is not his fault it's yours, look how he sparkles. How old is he ? 8? That man doesn't have responsibility and a coward. Definitely expose it to OW's husband and slip it to your H's and your family

Take care of yourself, eat, drink and rest. Take a sleeping pill if you can't, rest is important. You need it to have a clear head

Good luck


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Go to the bank and get whatever funds are there, and put them in an account with only your name on it-------go down to the local family court, and watch the different atty's at work----look over as many as possible, and get yourself a bulldog for an atty---and file for D-------your H owes you a lot of money that is community property---if you think he might harm you--get a protective order----and above all---stop being afraid of him-----he is just manipulating/playing you----do not give in to him---be just as calm, and cool as he is


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Leafwhisper PLEASE listen to the other posters they are giving some really great advice. I used to be with someone who used to enjoy head [email protected]#$ng me regularly, your husband sounds very similar to him. You might be searching in your heart reasons to forgive him or rationalize his hotel stays etc but your head knows this is it.
Let him get away with this, you will spend the next 30 years or so under his thumb. Better to have lost 11 years don't you think?
You have done your time under this psycho, time to get out!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

it's obvious that his intention is to make you doubt yourself. that's one of the things that Stonewall Inn Motel. The other thing still searching to do is just start to make you feel like you're crazy bike gaslighting. this type of person is very a very bad for your mental health. I'm not kidding, there are folks around Tam to have PTSD due to being treated this way by their cheating spouse. 

get him out of the house or you get out of the house soon as you can. you need to take a hard line and truthfully I think you can never go back to this man 

There Is something wrong with him. 

we all know that he's guilty. Do you know these guilty. And he knows it. So the only thing he's got on his side is a feeling that you aren't strong enough to handle his mental abuse. and if you have a low threshold for frustration he will actually get you to act crazy. still get you to yell and scream and throw things. He will make you hate your behaviour. and by doing that will make you feel so guilty and still pay you as being the one who's all messed up everyone that you know. and then all you'll feel is shame. 

it will take years to get over his abuse once you finally have had enough. He decides to leave.

Please don't put yourself in this situation. Please get away from him right away. Your mind your mental health is so important and a guy like this will tear you apart. He will break you down. 

I'm begging you please don't let him do this to you. Please be aware of what you're dealing with. when I said evil I wasn't kidding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Is there a reason you haven't told the OW's husband? I'd change the locks at your house/apartment and then send her husband everything you have. Make sure the hotel stays have dates so that he can match it up with times his wife hasn't been home. 

He isn't respecting you. Not that cheaters have much in that department, but he could have at least explained himself. He sounds like a master manipulator. Get out of there and find someone who will treat you with respect and love. You got this.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Exposure is your friend for most cases.

Don't fight this battle alone. You have an ally.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Rarely is discovering that your spouse is having an affair at a convenient place in life. Money issues, kids, etc. And you are in this boat.

Kicking him out is an option, but legally you can't, so if he refuses he gets to stay. Don't waste time changing the locks.

Stop confronting him. He is lying and is not showing any remorse and has no respect for you. Start the 180.

Start looking at life without him. You should plan your future void of him.

Expose this to the OW's husband. Don't tell anyone you are doing this, just do it.

Most attorneys want money up front. In my area they wanted $3,000.00. Free attorneys are typically not worth it and there are long waiting periods.

Learn all you can about your state's laws regarding, Divorce, child support, alimoney, spousal support, etc. The more you learn and better prepared you will be. If you look at the worse case scenerio you will at least know what could be the worst.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Leafwhisper said:


> Please tell me that I did the right thing confronting him.


You absolutely did the right thing.

Now, do the next right thing and serve him with divorce papers. He's daring you to.

Expect to divorce him and don't consider stopping the process unless he does a complete and immediate turnaround. I don't know him, but I think that's unlikely, based on how you describe him.

Sorry you're here. Keep posting.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

To add one more thing.

If you're not set up to divorce him immediately; formulate an exit strategy and implement the 180 to detach from him; until you are ready. But the sooner the better.


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