# 20 Years of Husbands insecurity Help



## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

Hi 
Ive never posted on any boards before but im just so frustrated with my situation.

We have been together for 20+ years no affairs and 4 kids.

After years of arguments and big bust ups we have finally gone to marriage counselling. For 20 years my DH has blamed me for his insecurities telling me im not affectionate enough or that he doesn't know were he stands with me ? He never knows how I truly feel about him.

Very long story short he doesn't like me going out without him, requires a lot of attention and constant re assurance of my feelings toward him. If things aren't going right he gets even worse and wants to talk all the time and questions me if I have met someone else or am I wanting to meet someone else etc.

We have been in counselling a couple of months now and after a few weeks the counsellor saw us both individually on my session she told me I was in a controlling abusive relationship, but after my DH session she changed her mind and said that he has an anxious attachment problem, which to some part he recognises but still insists we both have issues that need sorting. Nothing seems to be getting better !!!!!!!!

I am so frustrated I do not pretend to be the best wife in the world im sure there are things I could have done better but I have always been faithful I gave up any kind of social life for 15 years or more because it was easier. Ive done everything in my power to prove my self and now im sick of it im fed up of being indirectly accused of things being doubted having to reassure all the time, asked all the time who is texting me ?

I would like to sometimes have a bit of freedom to pop round and see friends or a girls evening out etc I feel I have missed a massive chunk of that as we were so young. 

Im worried about the effect this has had on our children and there ability to have a balanced relationship when they are older ?

Im feeling resentful and withdrawn and don't know what to do ? 
I know my DH is not a bad person he just has this attachment disorder from childhood and has high anxiety levels but I am warn out and worried this is never going to change ?

Thanks for listening


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

I think your H should get individual counseling. Based on what you say, his problems did not originate with you. 

If your H is showing himself to be insecure, this will inevitably rub off on the children. Not good. How old are they? 

Your best bet is to make him see that his problem is HIS not YOURS as couple. Don't enable his self-destructive behavior.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

What's his upbringing like and relationship with his parents?

What is the story about how you two met and the initial courtship?

was there history of you or him with ex gf or bf still in picture in past?

Need more info to understanding what's behind his insecurities. What has he told you?


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## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

It was suggested he went to individual counselling and cbt to help with anxiety but he feels we should go together as he feels I have issues his no1 is I have lied to him in the past about silly things really, things like who I have spoken to how long I may have been at a friends house.

I lie about silly things because he gets jealous that I have time to speak to people on the phone or nip to a friends for a cup of tea but don't fall all over him when he gets home from work.

Kids are 18,15,11 & 9 The eldest is already having issues and doesn't have any boyfriends herself because she thinks they require too much from her.

I think I have made his insecurities worse by adapting my behaviour to try and reassure him but I fear its just made things worse ?


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## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> What's his upbringing like and relationship with his parents?
> 
> What is the story about how you two met and the initial courtship?
> 
> ...


From talking with the lady we are seeing it comes from childhood medcal procedures which separated him from his mum, his dad was also insecure so he would have gown up with it.

We met very young him 18 and me just 16 and still at school. We got very serious very quickly ad my parents were very against it as they thought I should concentre on my studys so by the time I was 17 we were living together.

We come from very different upbringings my parents very independent, social and modern. His very old fashioned not very social and older than there ages?

Thanks for replying


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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

I am in the same situation but only 2 kids. My husbands insecurities are slightly different. He begins to copy people's mannerisms, is the nice agreeable guy to others, plays the victim, etc

We have started counselling recently, couples and individual. Things have improved but still along way to go. I blamed myself and could not understand what was going on. The counsellor told me ways in how to deal with him but H works away so makes thing harder to deal with.

Unless H acknowledges his problem it won't improve. I am still living in hope at the moment.

Sorry I don't have any advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Helpme01 said:


> I think I have made his insecurities worse by adapting my behaviour to try and reassure him but I fear its just made things worse ?


Perhaps yes because he hasn't been shown hat his feelings are unjustified. You should be able to go to a friend's house without checking in.

It's kind of a vicious circle because his behavior renders him unattractive.

I would insist on IC and tell him that you don't have a problem, he does and that you're not going to go to MC unless he works on his issues. You already have 4 children, and don't need another. Sorry but it's really on him.


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## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

I Feel so fed up most of the time.

I resent the fact that so many years have gone by and we havnt sorted this but until now I never really understood what was going on.

I can feel I am withdrawing from him and don't know how to stop it ?

H thinks it can all be solved if I just show him / tell him how much I love him etc more affection and of couse sex ?

I am so angry to be honest that for 20 years he has told me he feels like this because im not affectionate enough, not open enough don't talk enough etc and it has nothing to do with me its his childhood ?


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## getting it wrong (Nov 5, 2015)

flipflops said:


> My STBXH does this as well. When we're in the mid-west he'll start talking with their accent. I can always tell when he's been talking to someone new because he'll suggest a new beer or drink. He wants to copy the neighbor's flag and Christmas lights. It's weird.


Just before we left for the airport for H to go back to work last month he was wandering around the house and said "I'm making sure there will be no traces of me when I leave" ?????

I said "You didn't need to say that, why did you?"
H - "I don't know"

OMG, it is soooo frustrating and draining.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Helpme01 said:


> I Feel so fed up most of the time.
> 
> I resent the fact that so many years have gone by and we havnt sorted this but until now I never really understood what was going on.
> 
> ...



Actually, what he is seeking is imeshment, he wants you to lose your own individual self to him so he can feel secure. Not to mention, the more you reward his insecure nature, the more he learns that it works and maybe, most likely, his issues will escalate.

He wants you to remove boundaries, boundaries which makes you healthy as you need balance in your life.

Your life does not revolve around him, but yourself. If he wants to be with you, let him be the one who changes. He is the one with irrational behavior.

It is not surprising that you want to distance yourself from him, and the fact that you are losing respect for him, to you, he is a weak-willed individual who wants to control you to be weaker than himself.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You could smother him with attention 24/7, bang him til his penis fell off and it still wouldn't be enough for him. He is a black hole of neediness. And, you're not helping. Stop with the lies - it's unnecessary and undignified. Stop letting him blame you for his shortcomings. Tell him you'll work on the lies in your personal counseling session and he can work on his problems in his. You have 20 years of behavior to overcome. Good luck.


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## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Actually, what he is seeking is imeshment, he wants you to lose your own individual self to him so he can feel secure. Not to mention, the more you reward his insecure nature, the more he learns that it works and maybe, most likely, his issues will escalate.
> 
> He wants you to remove boundaries, boundaries which makes you healthy as you need balance in your life.
> 
> ...


I think you are right about the imeshment.

He thinks cause I want to go out with friends that's me trying to recapture my youth and a singles life ?

Ive suggested with the eldest 2 kids they need a bit more 1-1 time but he wont do anything without me ?

If I say I Love you he responds with questions like Do you really? How Much? What do you love about me etc ?

Im really struggleing with time with 4 Kids my own business and a house to run I just don't have time to treat him like m 5th child


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Helpme01 said:


> I think you are right about the imeshment.
> 
> He thinks cause I want to go out with friends that's me trying to recapture my youth and a singles life ?
> 
> ...



And that is how you lose romantic interest in him, and his behavior makes you want to distance yourself from him. With attraction, and it can be other aspects other than physical ones, that motivates us to spend time with another person. What he is doing is killing attraction, thus turning your love you would have for a mate, into that of a brother or child, which you do not want to have for a mate.

Honestly, have some time with friends, and tell him calmly that you will be out, it is his choice to have a life of his own or not.

He is molding you into someone reactionary to him, and not to what is best for your own mental and emotional health. Do not lie, but keep the ansers simple. When he really gets into one of his episodes of insecurity, detach, and do or go somewhere else. Over time, it will teach him that that tactic will not work. He is being manipulative by trying to guilt you for having your own needs.


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## Helpme01 (Dec 9, 2015)

Mr.Fisty said:


> And that is how you lose romantic interest in him, and his behavior makes you want to distance yourself from him. With attraction, and it can be other aspects other than physical ones, that motivates us to spend time with another person. What he is doing is killing attraction, thus turning your love you would have for a mate, into that of a brother or child, which you do not want to have for a mate.
> 
> Honestly, have some time with friends, and tell him calmly that you will be out, it is his choice to have a life of his own or not.
> 
> He is molding you into someone reactionary to him, and not to what is best for your own mental and emotional health. Do not lie, but keep the ansers simple. When he really gets into one of his episodes of insecurity, detach, and do or go somewhere else. Over time, it will teach him that that tactic will not work. He is being manipulative by trying to guilt you for having your own needs.


 Thankyou for our responses you are very accurate what you put almost like someone who has been in a similar relationship.

I going to push this a bit more with our counsellor as at the minute we are just skirting round the issues because she doesn't want to raise his anxiety levels and make things worse. 

Sometimes I wonder if we have left it too late ? I can see so clearly now when he is clinging all the subtle things he does to get attention and keep me with him.

I asked for some space because I feel so squashed and confused by my feelings but he said he couldn't cope with it, it wasn't fair to ask for it if i really loved him.

The worst thing is if this was my friend my daughter I would tell them to leave don't understand why I don't take my own advice.


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

Helpme01 said:


> Thankyou for our responses you are very accurate what you put almost like someone who has been in a similar relationship.
> 
> I going to push this a bit more with our counsellor as at the minute we are just skirting round the issues because she doesn't want to raise his anxiety levels and make things worse.
> 
> ...



Giving advice and taking your own advice is like night and day. I've pondered that same question a thousand times. Your H needs his own individual counseling to deal with his issues on his own terms. Then the two of you can get MC to work on it together (if by that time it is still what you want). From your statement, I can't understand why your counselor doesn't want to push the issue with H, and doesn't see that H needs individual counseling. That's what a good counselor is supposed to recognize...maybe need a new one.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, you didn't listen to your parents, and remember this is a choice you made.

On the other hand insecurity is very repelling and unnattractive.

Maybe honesty is the best policy. You have not been honest with him and it has made the problem worse.

Your counselor raised a red flag with me, since many female counselors label all men controlling and abusive.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Helpme01 said:


> I lie about silly things because he gets jealous that I have time to speak to people on the phone or nip to a friends for a cup of tea but don't fall all over him when he gets home from work.


1. When did his insecurities pop up?

2. Elaborate on what these lies are. Examples.


Be careful not to feed the insecurities.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Hicks said:


> *Well, you didn't listen to your parents, and remember this is a choice you made.*
> 
> On the other hand insecurity is very repelling and unnattractive.
> 
> ...


Get entangled in a serious relationship at a young age is far from ideal for most people. However, it doesn't sound like her parents knew anything about what a trainwreck this guy was - they wanted her to focus on academics to make something of herself.


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## mrsray2197 (Dec 10, 2015)

wow your situation is dead on with how mine was. It killed our marriage. I became his mommy and he another child by his choice and insecurities and now he blames me for his life that he never bothered to take control of!


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