# I want to explore but she is not into it.



## HerMan77 (Feb 5, 2018)

Hi All
Sorry for the very long post.

My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end. 

We are both each-others only sexual partners. I have always been the kinkier partner in our relationship and I get that there are not many couples that match each other 100% in that department. Our sex life is exceptionally good and there is not much that we have not tried in the bedroom in terms of toys, roll playing, porn and positions. 

This brings me to my dilemma, and it has 2 aspects.

1, I always have to suggest or request things in bed. When I do ask, she usually does make an effort but it seems like it`s kind of a chore. She says she enjoys it but I just know she is not that into it. She never does anything sexy out of her own, it always has to be prompted. 

2, I've never been completely open about my desires for fear that she would think I`m a weirdo (this happened in the past) until about a year ago. I really felt our relationship was in a good place so I opened up about what really turns me on (this includes having a threesome but not limited to that) and that although I’m not sure where this curiosity and urge is coming from or where i see it going, that I would like to explore it WITH her. I made sure to let her know that I love her and that there is nothing that she lacked.

I wish that I never confided in her and that I should have just kept my mouth shut. She shames me constantly and tells me that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want a monogamous relationship. She even told my mother that i have these outlandish tendencies. When I back down and tell her to forget about the whole thing and I've even got medication (anti-depressants) that will diminish my libido, she does a 180 and says that she will look into it. I give it a few weeks and when I want to broach the subject again, she does another 180.

I know that I should just let this go and never mention it again (and I have tried) but the desires and urges don’t go away. I would like to try the meds to see if it helps to quench the cravings but she downright refuses, as the pills could possibly kill my sex-drive completely and make me impotent, and she still wants to be intimate with me. I don’t know what to do. Anyone with similar experiences?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

No, but if my husband suggested a threesome after ten years of marriage and was suggesting taking meds to dampen his libido so he didn't want a threesome so much, the marriage would be toast.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you are this unhappy I would insist to her that you need to go to a counselor who is also a sex therapist. The threesome thing could understandably upset her and make her insecure. (This is not an unusual fantasy for a man though) Was all of the stuff you mentioned about opening up of your marriage. It's possible that you just don't see yourself as monogamous, but that is not going to go over well to someone who is. If you plan on staying so then you need to have a lot of talks about that as I am sure she is hurt and insecure about that now. If not then you need to divorce. However don't take meds to diminish your libido, there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to have sex with your wife. And fantasies are fine as long as that is where they stay. Everyone has them. Maybe not tell them as that is sometimes delicate. 

So as I see it you have two problems, you probably hurt her feelings and made her insecure by suggesting adding someone else to your bedroom.

You have mismatched libidos and she wants no part of fixing that, maybe because of problem 1. 

Again counseling might help.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Taking meds to kill your desire, serious? If you feel like you need to medicate to stay in your marriage, maybe it might be time to move on. IDK, that sounds pretty cruel to tell your W that you want to medicate b/c she won't indulge in your non monogamous fantasy. At a minimum, see a sex therapist. Also, when you talk about a threesome, does it matter what the other gender involved is (i.e. would another guy be ok)?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*There is nothing remotely wrong with a loving couple being adventurous with each other in bed!

But bringing a third party into the fray is totally and exponentially unwarranted and threatens to undermine the core of their relationship and the trust that they have, over time, built with each other!*


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

HerMan77 said:


> Hi All
> Sorry for the very long post.
> 
> My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end.
> ...





Livvie said:


> No, but if my husband suggested a threesome after ten years of marriage and was suggesting taking meds to dampen his libido so he didn't want a threesome so much, the marriage would be toast.


I agree that taking meds to kill your libido just because your wife (like the other 98% of women) doesn't want to have a threesome is overkill.

I'd also say that if my wife continuously shamed me for my fantasies and shared that information with my mother, the marriage would be toast on those grounds as well.

Sounds like there's a lot of tendency toward over-reaction on the part of both OP and his wife.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

So this “wonderful” wife shames you when you share your deepest intimate thoughts with her and then actually tells your mother! Wtf is that all about?
She doesn’t sound that wonderful to me and actually sounds as manipulative as hell.
While she is fully entitled not to want a threesome she is telling you who wears the pants in your marriage, and you are letting her do it by apologizing and suggesting you medicate to lower your libido.You need to make her understand that people in a mutual beneficial relationship should be free to discuss anything without one party being shamed.
And one more thing.
Marriages work best when nobody wears pants.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

People vary a lot in their level of kinkiness.

If she wasn't very adventurous to begin with, a 3some was probably not a good suggestion. Even some very adventurous people are not up for involving a 3rd person. 

If you really need this to be happy, you shouldn't stay in this marriage - but is it really that important to you? Why?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

If your wife asked you for a threesome with another guy involved, do you think you would enjoy it? If not, that should give you something to think about.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your wife isn't interested in opening the marriage in any way. She thinks your threeway fantasy is disgusting, perverted, whatever else and isn't turned on by it. Your options are to stay married and give up the idea of ever getting a threeway or get a divorce and hope to fulfill your fantasy with someone else.

Let me tell you a couple things I have learned over the years. 1) Every guy and gal I have ever met that's had a threeway says it wasn't as good as the hype and 2) I know a lot of couples that had various types of open marriage, including those that only played together. After about a decade and a half, only 2 of those couples are still married.

Is this worth the very real risk to your marriage and the damage the idea is doing to your relationship with your wife? If not, you need to let it go. Chalk the idea up as something that could have been fun, but isn't going to happen. Kind of like climbing K2 or something.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

HerMan77 said:


> I wish that I never confided in her and that I should have just kept my mouth shut. She shames me constantly and tells me that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want a monogamous relationship.


She shouldn't shame you for your fantasy, it is a very common fantasy of both sexes, one I shared with my wife. That being said it sounds like she made it clear it wasn't one she shared so that should have been the end of it without any real drama from either party.



HerMan77 said:


> She even told my mother that i have these outlandish tendencies.


I would have had a big problem with her doing that, there are some things shared that stay between the husband and wife. 



HerMan77 said:


> When I back down and tell her to forget about the whole thing and I've even got medication (anti-depressants) that will diminish my libido, she does a 180 and says that she will look into it. I give it a few weeks and when I want to broach the subject again, she does another 180.


She is only saying she'll 'look into it' because you're coming up with such an extreme solution to the issue. She's not open to the threesome and you just need to let it go, or let her go if that is more important to you then the relationship is.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You have a couple of problems, here. First of all, your wife is shaming you for your desires. That's wrong of her. She doesn't have to agree to them, but shaming you is in itself a shameful response. You want something that she won't provide, and can't let it go. The best approach to this - since you can't let it go on your own, apparently - is to seek counseling on how to let it go. Many people fantasize about threesomes and other things, but don't have a need - much less an opportunity - to make it real. Aside from this, you say you have a great sex life. You are very fortunate, as you are in a minority, especially after being together so many years. Be careful about risking what you have for what you think you want.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

People are completely binary on this topic. They are either totally committed to monogamy or they think poly type arrangements are ok. 

You married a monogamist. 

And by repeatedly bringing this up, you are telling her she just isn’t quite enough to fulfill you. Doesn’t matter what words you choose, what she hears is: you aren’t enough for me

You have three clearly defined plays to run:
1. Drop discussions of this topic permanently, at least with her. If you want to vent to a therapist, have at it. But not with your wife. And if she raises it, just tell her you accept that she isn’t into the idea and change the subject. 
2. Keep trying to change her mind. Good chance you will eventually convince her you two are simply incompatible, which will destroy the marriage. 
3. If you truly can’t be happily monogamous, get divorced. 

And your narrative below comes across as insincere. You complain about her shaming you. But she isn’t shaming you for suggesting it. She’s shaming you for repeatedly bringing it up. 




HerMan77 said:


> Hi All
> Sorry for the very long post.
> 
> My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end.
> ...


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

HerMan77 said:


> 1, I always have to suggest or request things in bed. When I do ask, she usually does make an effort but it seems like it`s kind of a chore. She says she enjoys it but I just know she is not that into it. She never does anything sexy out of her own, it always has to be prompted.


It is worth adding as well, the above is really something more on your side to deal with. Clearly you two have a bit of a mismatch, but as you mentioned she does make an effort, that is really all you can ask for. You can't expect her to be as in to it as you are, or do sexy things if that is not who she is.


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## stiiky (Jul 29, 2017)

It sounds like she isn’t for it but at the same time wants to make you happy which is probably why she goes back and forth on her decision. It’s one thing to have a fantasy but to make it a reality is something else. To bring up that suggestion to her probably makes her feel like she’s not good enough for you. I would drop the issue. Even if you did somehow convince her to go through with it, you’re going to open up Pandora’s Box and cause more problems in your marriage.

As far as your requests in bed that she has to be prompted to do, are you giving her the same attention as you want her to give to you? She may feel like sex is all about you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You want a 3 some. Is that a FMF? So you want to be with another woman and make your wife watch you cheat?

How about a MFM? Would you be ok with that?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

It's her perogative on whether she wants to open the marriage to others in your bedroom or not and if she doesn't want to, she doesn't want to . You need to accept her answer.

That being said though, she was way out of line talking to your mother about it. That was a d1(k move on her part.

And you essentially wanting to chemically castrate yourself is just plain silly and dumb. 

Either be a man and leave her to find chicks that are into group sex or accept her declination and drop it.

But be a weenie boy and stomp your feet and pout and chemically castrate yourself so you can be a eunuch to please her.

She is losing tons of respect for you over this. She's losing respect for you bugging her about 3ways after she's said no. 

And she's losing exponentially more respect with you saying you want to chemically reduce your libido.

A man embraces his sexuality and accepts it without shame. To chemically curb your libido is simply lame and pathetic and an afront to male sexuality. 

If she doesn't want to do group sex, that is her right and perogative.

Your right and perogative is to dump her arse and find someone who's sexuality more closely matches your own. 

It's also your perogative to accept her answer and accept it gracefully and stick to monogamous marital activities.

But threatening to chemically emasculate yourself is just manipulative and Whiney.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

More stories that i can count on threesomes ruining a marriage.

Playing with fire!

Drop the threesome shes not interested!


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## Machjo (Feb 2, 2018)

HerMan77 said:


> Hi All
> Sorry for the very long post.
> 
> My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end.
> ...


Have you tried therapy?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

HerMan77 said:


> Hi All
> Sorry for the very long post.
> 
> My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end.
> ...


I am VERY surprised that you are so surprised at her reaction. She must have been very hurt. You have
a good wife and good sex life, so stop thinking about bringing anyone else in. To be honest you are 
lucky she is still there after what you have done. 

I have NO idea why you would think of taking drugs to quash your desire to bring another women into the bed. You said you have a good sex life. Be grateful for what you have and stop thinking about other women. 
I think its you being a martyr and using the underlying threat of it to put pressure on her. If she eventually relents against her will you will probably destroy the marriage and lose her completely. 
BTW there is such a thing as self control and not feeding unhelpful fantasies. The more you think about them and watch them on porn, the more you will struggle. 

I am not surprised at all by her reaction. She is hurt and upset. Presumable you promised to be faithful to her and now you want to break that promise.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

HerMan77 said:


> Hi All
> Sorry for the very long post.
> 
> My wife and I, both in our early 30`s, have been married for 10 years and been together for about 16. We have 3 kids and she is a wonderful mother and wife. I want to make it very clear that I love her unconditionally and to no end.
> ...




- You chose to get married and that means to each other in everything.

- For better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness and in health, etc.

- When a married couple has a threesome, that is committing adultery and breaking your marriage vows.

- If you were in an open dating relationship, then threesome as much as you want.

- But you are married, and that also means physically / sexually.

- I think almost every guy has those urges, I know I do, BUT I DON'T ACT ON THEM, because I too am married.

- Just because you have an urge, do you blindly act on them? Of course not.

- You both can do so many fun things together, which is anything besides another man or woman, its limitless......

- To minimize your sex drive, weight train hard and long every day after work and also do some chores, like I do. You won't have the time or energy for sex sessions........

- What's best for your marriage? You want another woman or remaining faithful, respecting your wife and marriage vows?


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## weneedtotalk (Jan 30, 2018)

Wow this is crazy. I would be so freaking happy to have what you take for granted. peace


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

you are kinky, and she is vanilla.
Odds are you BOTH were vanilla, but as the marriage went along you got kinkier. She could say that you are guilty of a "bait and switch" on her! LOL
It is really common for one partner to be vanilla.

I would suggest you try to find SOMETHING a little risque that she wants to try. Getting her to admit one of her fantasies is going to be hard though....good luck with that. Maybe sex toys, or some light bondage?

You could try the website mojoupgrade.com. She MIGHT have one or two kinky things she wants to try but is ashamed to ask you....


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If you're getting fed these ideas from porn, you should stop. I think you've mentally departed from reality. Your wife clearly isn't onboard and neither would most ladies I know. Maybe you should seek treatment.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

CatholicDad said:


> If you're getting fed these ideas from porn, you should stop. I think you've mentally departed from reality. Your wife clearly isn't onboard and neither would most ladies I know. Maybe you should seek treatment.


I was going to say the same... do you watch threesome porn, is that why its always front and center in your mind?

Bringing up a threesome as a fantasy is pretty much a 'no-no' if she is not into your normal kinky ideas.

Her telling your mom, that would blow a fuse for me


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

HerMan77 said:


> 2, I've never been completely open about my desires for fear that she would think I`m a weirdo (this happened in the past) until about a year ago. I really felt our relationship was in a good place so I opened up about what really turns me on (this includes having a threesome but not limited to that) and that although I’m not sure where this curiosity and urge is coming from or where i see it going, that I would like to explore it WITH her. I made sure to let her know that I love her and that there is nothing that she lacked.
> 
> I wish that I never confided in her and that I should have just kept my mouth shut. She shames me constantly and tells me that there is something wrong with me if I don’t want a monogamous relationship.


Well said.. a poster example of 'what happens'.

Some things should never be thought, let alone said.

On thinking them, you can forgive yourself, not once you express them.

When a spouse asks, "What are your thinking?" or "What is your opinion?"
Think hard and long, uh, bad choice of words. :surprise:

Think about what you are going to say, and not going to say.

I never made your mistake, but I have been too honest on too many occasions. No, not related to sex and intimacy.
Things like politics, religion, things and people you like or dislike and why. 
Thank God I never made your mistake...

When a wife or a gf asks you, "Do you think she is pretty?" Beware.
Just say no.


Just Sayin'

The Host-


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Im sure its not a MFM threesome you are after. So basically you told your wife you want to have sex with other women (probably stemming from your lack of sexual exploits before marriage). 

So stop trying to put that under kink and just plain come out and say you want to cheat.


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## SoFlaGuy (Nov 28, 2014)

bkyln309 said:


> Im sure its not a MFM threesome you are after. So basically you told your wife you want to have sex with other women (probably stemming from your lack of sexual exploits before marriage).
> 
> So stop trying to put that under kink and just plain come out and say you want to cheat.



That's not always the case, it could be about watching their partner being pleasured, exploring taboos together, vouyer/ exhibitionist, or any other number of reasons. I think some couples can explore thier fantasies together if they are in a strong, open, honest relationship and are on the same page. Now I'm not saying he is right to pressure her given she is clearly not into it and his response to her saying no is way over the top and he needs to look into that for his own peace of mind.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I think part of the issue, let's say the OP wants to try new things, be more adventurous. There is a huge difference between wanting to try different positions, incorporate toys, role play, etc... and wanting to actually bring a 3rd person into the mix. OP has been in a monogamous relationship through marriage. If he wants to bang another women (guessing he is only interested in FMF), get divorced and bang away.

Anyway, my spidey senses are tingling with this thread...


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

SoFlaGuy said:


> That's not always the case, it could be about watching their partner being pleasured, exploring taboos together, vouyer/ exhibitionist, or any other number of reasons. I think some couples can explore thier fantasies together if they are in a strong, open, honest relationship and are on the same page. Now I'm not saying he is right to pressure her given she is clearly not into it and his response to her saying no is way over the top and he needs to look into that for his own peace of mind.


So I am sure that the MFM is an option. Great. (My guess is he will say I am not open to that which is typical).


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

There's also a non drug way to keep your libido in check. It's called self control. Don't we all have to exercise some daily? I think porn has made everyone think every urge should be immediately satisfied... don't think life is supposed to be like that.

Honesty in marriage doesn't mean you share every whacky idea that pops in your head.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

SoFlaGuy said:


> That's not always the case, it could be about watching their partner being pleasured, exploring taboos together, vouyer/ exhibitionist, or any other number of reasons.


All of those are possible with another "rooster" in the room. But that seldom seems to be what these guys want. Weird.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

Middle of Everything said:


> All of those are possible with another "rooster" in the room. But that seldom seems to be what these guys want. Weird.


So its not about watching your partner being pleasured, it goes back to the man wanting another woman


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Middle of Everything said:


> All of those are possible with another "rooster" in the room. But that seldom seems to be what these guys want. Weird.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


>


Well at least if your wife wants that "rooster" in the room with you, he is known as LITTLE Jerry. So you know, hopefully not much competition there.


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