# In house separation



## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I live in an in house separation deal. He plans to leave in June. I don't like it but it will give me time to get my finances in order as well. Question... How do I act when we do come across each other in the house? For the most part, he lives in the basement and I live on the main floor. We do see each other every other day or so to communicate about child, bills etc.. Do I act friendly? Do I act like we are conducting a business deal? Not quite sure how to treat the differing relationship. So far i've kept my words more in a grunt tone which makes me appear to be angry. I don't want to give him the satisfaction to see that I am angry at him...feedback please?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Ask him how the weather is down there. 

If nothing else, it's a time tested way of starting a conversation.


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## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

I'm sort of in the same situation, except not for the same reasoning. We aren't necessarily headed for a divorce, but we are technically separated in our own house and not getting along at all. He "lives" upstairs and I downstairs. Again, we are more aiming towards reconciling... however it's difficult. If he asks a question of me or says hello/good morning I always at least answer him no matter how sucky things had been lately. Otherwise I go about my day. If he's on the couch and I need to go past him to make myself some dinner, I do so, I don't isolate myself just because I don't want to see him (I have at times). My advice is to be cordial, even though you are working towards divorce. It will make things a lot easier and show that you are satisfied with the separation and are willing to be adult about it. Good luck!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Heidi2005, I always default to cordial when I don't know a better answer.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

It is not a husband/wife relationship anymore, it changed similar to a roommate or brother/sister dynamic. 

Be realistic that you do live in the same house. You don't need to fake anything and muddle through things like dining at the table together. A few cohabitation obligations need to continue though. For example, even roommates keep each other aware of when they are coming and going in case of emergency. You can leave a community dry erase board in the kitchen for messages and non urgent information such as that. 

Remember growing up and having squabbles with siblings or parents you lived with? As with back then, you can't avoid your paths crossing regularly when you share a household, and consequently treat each other similar to a family member.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

The lines are blurry...we have our separate lives, bank accounts, areas of the house etc... But...we still have intimate relations. Is that crazy-we are proceeding with a divorce and still jump in to bed together once a week or so.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

It's not crazy but it's not a good idea.

Are you sure you both want the divorce?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

If you are intimate with each other, then there is hope with your marriage. You wouldn't hop in the sack with someone you despise or find disgusting. I'm curious, what happens after relations? Do you guys just dress up and go back to minding your own business, or do you hang out in the bed, hold each other, and talk?

In my opinion, June is still a long time away and gives you the perfect opportunity to save whatever there is left to save--if you want to save it. Once he leaves the house, the odds become seriously stacked against you guys ever getting back together.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Not sure if either of us want to save it at this point...It is a mess that I'm not sure can be weeded through. One of our issues for the past few years was his lack of interest in intimacy. Afterwards, we talk and laugh for a bit. We laugh at our crazy situation.. On the road to divorce but still intimate with each other.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

As far as living together, it is just like having a roomate now. Nothing wrong with being polite and cordial. Everything else should be just business. Children get taken care of, bills get paid on time, gorceries are purchased equally, and the home is maintained.

Jumping in the sack may be fun but will really mess up the process. Neither party will be able to fully disengage because you all are still connecting on an intimate level. At some point you all need to make a decision. Sounds like you want to work on things, why not get some counseling to help you two talk about the problems and maybe fix them?

On a side note, my ex and I lived together for several months prior to her leaving. I did not want the divorce but she wanted out. It was hard on me, but I kept a good face for the kids. I read a book called "Mom's House, Dad's House," that helped me develop the business aspect of our relationship. But sex was off the table.


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## AFPhoenix (Dec 24, 2013)

I'm not mature enough to do an in house separation, but my story is different. I'm assuming that there wasn't adultery and is a mutual decision to divorce. 

I don't know how you can come off as angry or gruff one day and then sleep with each other that night. I think a line needs to be drawn. If it's a mutual decision to divorce, then treat each other like acquaintances. My 2 cents.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Heidi2005 said:


> Not sure if either of us want to save it at this point...It is a mess that I'm not sure can be weeded through. One of our issues for the past few years was his lack of interest in intimacy. Afterwards, we talk and laugh for a bit. We laugh at our crazy situation.. On the road to divorce but still intimate with each other.


Maybe you aren't sure you can save the relationship, but the way you end it does make a difference. 

Is your H the one who is initiating?

How old is your child?


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Yes, he asked for the divorce after I discovered he was having some type of online relationship/friendship. My youngest is 17.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

So he does not want intimacy.

Gets caught in emotional affair.

Asks for divorce.

Now wants intimacy.

Some might call that "cake-eating."

How do you feel about it?


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Ironwire-I know!! You are correct.. I am trying to wake up from my daze. The roller coaster ride of emotions is intense sometimes and clouds your judgement. On a good note, he signed the separation paperwork today. He didn't have an attorney and the only thing he questioned was the length of alimony.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are correct; your husband does not want intimacy.

He wants sex. Pure, unadulterated sex. No strings attached.

You were his wife. You are not his wh0re.

Quit having sex with him. It is clouding your judgment and confusing you.

He wants booty call. You oblige. Let him masturbate or find someone else to satisfy his needs.


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## IronWine29 (Dec 31, 2013)

Heidi2005 said:


> Ironwire-I know!! You are correct.. I am trying to wake up from my daze. The roller coaster ride of emotions is intense sometimes and clouds your judgement. On a good note, he signed the separation paperwork today. He didn't have an attorney and the only thing he questioned was the length of alimony.


Now is a good time to assert your boundaries. It sounds like you will be able to have an amicable separation. BIFF works even with low conflict folks.

How is D17 taking it? She may be hard to read at the moment. If there is trouble, it may be under the surface.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

I do think he is trying for amicable. Some days he doesn't have a problem with boundaries. Other days (probably when he is lonely), he has a problem with boundaries. D17 is difficult to read. I ask and she says "I'm fine".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Heidi2005 said:


> Some days he doesn't have a problem with boundaries. Other days (probably when he is lonely), he has a problem with boundaries.


I hope you realize his problems with your boundaries are HIS problems. Don't let him guilt or manipulate you with his reactions.

He owns how he feels, reacts, and his overall behavior. You don't.

Just quit with the sex. That will cloud YOUR boundaries.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> I hope you realize his problems with your boundaries are HIS problems. Don't let him guilt or manipulate you with his reactions.
> 
> He owns how he feels, reacts, and his overall behavior. You don't.
> 
> ...


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

A few weeks of mixed emotions...This morning I finally sent him a text and asked him to move out by the end of March. I was thinking why should we delay this until June for his convenience... He is having his cake and it felt good to finally tell him to go. He hasn't responded to my request. I am tired of being his doormat. If he wants to go, he needs to own it and go.


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

He still lives in basement apartment. He has began to buy groceries every day and bring them to me. I don't ask for them. He knocks on my door almost every afternoon to bring me a bag of groceries or some kitchen gadget. I've been polite and say "thank you" as I am trying to be amicable... The groceries are strange to me. He will even text me to ask me if I need something from the grocery store. D21 calls it "guilt food". Do I need more boundaries or continue to be cordial when groceries are delivered?


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## Heidi2005 (Oct 27, 2013)

My advice to any lurking... Pay attention to the advice you are seeing on the TAM boards. I started lurking in January when my SBXH asked for a divorce. Saw lots of advice about the 180. I didn't do it. I remained in contact with him. I saw lots of advice about affairs, I didn't believe he was having an affair. I recently discovered he has been having a 7 year affair. I also got advice on him being a "cake walker". I didn't want to believe it, but he is. I saw advice on in home separations. I thought our situation was different. 

I learned the hard way. I've learned over the past few months the following:
1. Follow the 180
2. Expose any and all affairs
3. In House Separations do not work

Thought maybe my learning curve might help someone else. I had to be "hard headed". Since SBXH and I have no contact now and we do not reside in the same house, it is relief. I can think more clearly. 

BTW-when I was trying to expose the affair, he continued to deny- I met the OW for coffee. It was awkward at first but very enlightening. He has been playing both of us for many years. With thE information she provided, I was able to confront him and back him in a corner. He is still trying to lie his way out.. That's another story... It's a relief to know the truth even though I had to go to OW for it.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

The truth will set you free!

But honestly, I am sorry you are going through this. It's hard. We want to believe our spouses, but sometimes things just nag at us. Something is off. We want to trust our spouses, but then those little details that don't add up keep us up at night.
It's very good that you know the truth. Now what ever actions you take can be on your terms.


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