# Almost single 30 vent seperation guide



## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Ok, decide to journal here to get things out and have some good advice. My husband left Sunday night. It was a mutual decision, but hard for both of us. My husband is depressed, but won't admitt it. I got ilybnilwy in October and we have been trying everything to get. Back on track. Nothing was working. We tried mc, ic, and ever a marriage retreat. Bottom line, he is too depressed to even try or know what he wants. All he knows is that he is unhappy. I just couldn't take it any more. I was/ am sad, but was sick of walking on egg shells and being hurt all the time. So he left Sunday, he is staying with his parents. For now we haven't told anything to the kids. I am on spring break, so this week will/ has been easy, but it will be much harder when I go back to work next week. 

He is 31 and back living with his parents. That can't feel good, but he needs to realize what he has, wake up, and get help. I love him very much, but can't have him drag me into his depressed world. I am doing the 180. I am going to move on and pray he opens his eye and we can go back to being a family, but if not at least I know I tried. 

Any advice or help would be great 
A-30-michigan
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

He has to hit rock bottom before he realizes where he is at, and it sounds like he is still on the downward spiral. I feel for you and the children as I know this will be an adjustment to everyone's routine. 

Hopefully, with any luck, he'll realize that he needs help before it completely consumes him.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

nosmallchoice said:


> He has to hit rock bottom before he realizes where he is at, and it sounds like he is still on the downward spiral. I feel for you and the children as I know this will be an adjustment to everyone's routine.
> 
> Hopefully, with any luck, he'll realize that he needs help before it completely consumes him.


Ya. He is close to rock bottom. Not seeing his boys everyday will kill him. It is hard, but I miss the old him, not the person he is now. I have to be strong and carry on for my two sons (2&6). I am also a teacher and have a lot going for me. I just hope the seperation wakes him up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

For me, waking up alone in the morning is the hardest part of my day


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

almostsingle30 said:


> Ya. He is close to rock bottom. Not seeing his boys everyday will kill him. It is hard, but I miss the old him, not the person he is now. I have to be strong and carry on for my two sons (2&6). I am also a teacher and have a lot going for me. I just hope the seperation wakes him up.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is he on any kind of medication to treat his depression?


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

No, he will barley acknowledge he is depressed, that is the problem. I am hoping once he realizes he is unhappy without me too, that he will have avrealization...trust me, he can't be happy being 31 and living with his parents and their annoying two dogs....


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

almostsingle30 said:


> No, he will barley acknowledge he is depressed, that is the problem. I am hoping once he realizes he is unhappy without me too, that he will have avrealization...trust me, he can't be happy being 31 and living with his parents and their annoying two dogs....


Sounds like mommy enables him.

What was his childhood like?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Real clinical depression--not just being sad--is really hard to get out of even if a person is on medication. No amount of positive thinking or anything can break it. It is a deep, dark hole, and a person simply cannot get out of it by themselves. They will not wake up or have some realization. They'll need others to push them to get help and meds. 

Have you talked to his parents to see if they can get him to go to a hospital or something to get treated for this?


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Conrad. His mom doesn't enable him. She is actually wanting our marriage to work. She said she won't make life too cushiony over at her house  his childhood was ok..he has a lot of issues with his dad and grew up poor and in a trailor park. Nothing wrong with that, but he had low self esteem :/ and still does.....that's another issues...he doesn't love himself at the moment, so how can he love me. 


I have been telling him to get help for 7 months, but he hasn't. He is "against" medication and thinks he is just depressed befuddled our marrigae is in a bad place or as he would say, "is shifty." I had showed him love, ext but nothing helped..

I have talked to his parents about his depression and they agree, it is now in their hands to get him help. It is only day 3 of our seperation, so I guess time will tell...


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Almost Single, just reading to get caught up on your story...definite parallels and similarities here. I got a bit teared up reading some of what you had to say. The first few days are the absolute worst. I completely and totally get everything you're feeling right now.


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## nosmallchoice (Mar 25, 2013)

almostsingle30 said:


> For me, waking up alone in the morning is the hardest part of my day


Going to bed alone was the hardest for me - and, I just got to the point that I didn't go to bed and would randomly pass out when exhausted (usually while rocking the kiddo, in the rocking chair). I am 6 mths into separation, and it does get easier. Especially if you have a little one like mine; he doesn't give me time to think about it or dwell on it.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

nosmallchoice said:


> Going to bed alone was the hardest for me - and, I just got to the point that I didn't go to bed and would randomly pass out when exhausted (usually while rocking the kiddo, in the rocking chair). I am 6 mths into separation, and it does get easier. Especially if you have a little one like mine; he doesn't give me time to think about it or dwell on it.


Yes, having two little boys does help and keeps busy. It is also nix that my two year old is a total mom as boy. Always hugging and tellingly he loves me. I am at my moms tonight. I am going to chill on tam, take a bubble bath, and sleep in a king size bed. ( my parents are in Florida.) I get the boys again tomorrow at 8 am when h goes to work.... Next week will be much different when I go back to work. Bla... I wish my h would wake the hell up, but I am staying strong with nc.
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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

So today when h Valentin spend the night with the boys and I left, I kept it very no chat, but did ask about what he wanted to do for next week, since I go back to work,Ect. He said he hadn't even thought about it...no in a mean way, but I dunno..I just said ok, we will talk about it later...he still seems bummed out, but again I have to stick this nc 180 out...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Good for you sticking with the NC 180. I am finding it tough going, I need to get my head back in the game a little bit!!

I also found the falling asleep the absolute worst. I was sleeping out on the couch just because it was different. That, thankfully, has improved now. Some nights I am so emotionally exhausted that I fall asleep effortlessly! haha which is nice.

This is a tough situation you're in. Sounds like your H and mine are acting somewhat similarly...it's very confusing when you don't know what's up and they are not acting at all like the person you know.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Ok, coming on here to vent so I don't post anything on fb or Twitter...I have been continuing to ignore h and have nc, but it is solo hard. I would say 80% of the time I am good, but 20% I am sad or Pissed. When I came home this morning to take the kids and so he could go to work, we didn't talk...he justvsaid bye to our 6 yr old and left. He still acted blah, which I guess is a good thing. 

Another thing that posses me off..my mil! Her and I are (were?) Very close. She knows everything that is going on and we have have talked a lot, but since he left Sunday (to stay with her) I have only gotten a fee texts from her. She wants our marriage to work, but kinda hurts that she is only supporti g him thru this. I guess I am glad she is "butting" out, but it still stings that she hasn't really been there for me..

I just miss my h! But sadly I haven't had one since september 2012, when he dropped the ilybnilwy...he has never been the same and I am not sure if he ever will :/ I hate being in limbo, but I know I have a lot more suffering to go thru before an outcome is decided...black


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Is he at your home now? 

This is a good time for you to start making new female friends. Join some support groups, find new hobbies, and maybe even go see a counselor to deal with your own stuff. You won't regret doing any of that. You cannot rely on your MIL; start developing your own network of support. It is not too hard when you reach out. Have any old friends you have not had enough contact with? contact them. Who were your bridesmaids and such? maybe contact them. Get a wide network. Don't always talk about your marriage problems with everybody, have fun, treat yourself to some nice things. You deserve it.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Arendt said:


> Is he at your home now?
> 
> This is a good time for you to start making new female friends. Join some support groups, find new hobbies, and maybe even go see a counselor to deal with your own stuff. You won't regret doing any of that. You cannot rely on your MIL; start developing your own network of support. It is not too hard when you reach out. Have any old friends you have not had enough contact with? contact them. Who were your bridesmaids and such? maybe contact them. Get a wide network. Don't always talk about your marriage problems with everybody, have fun, treat yourself to some nice things. You deserve it.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

[


Yes, I am making lots of plans and see a counselor every Monday, it is still hard...I literally have plane everynight this week...I am trying!
QUOTE=Arendt;1588231]Is he at your home now? 

This is a good time for you to start making new female friends. Join some support groups, find new hobbies, and maybe even go see a counselor to deal with your own stuff. You won't regret doing any of that. You cannot rely on your MIL; start developing your own network of support. It is not too hard when you reach out. Have any old friends you have not had enough contact with? contact them. Who were your bridesmaids and such? maybe contact them. Get a wide network. Don't always talk about your marriage problems with everybody, have fun, treat yourself to some nice things. You deserve it.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Everything you are feeling is totally normal...which I know doesn't help lessen the emotions but maybe it'll help just for someone to say, I've been there and it sucks.
My H is the chef of a new restaurant that literally had just opened the weekend he asked for a separation (coincidence? I think not!) and every time my inlaws go in I feel a stab of betrayal haha. Which I know is completely irrational, he is their son and they're proud! But still. I know it's hard to deal with, when you just want everyone to be shaking him and going "what is the MATTER with you?!?!


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Ok, tonight was good. H came home and I was waiting for a friend to come over. So we had lite chat. He asked me "how I was feeling" and I said.."it has only been 4 days" I want him to know he has to change before we can move forward..I am glad I stayed strong  this is so hard, but I know it is needed!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Good for you, glad you are staying strong!! I am going to try to follow your lead


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

I hate mornings! I hate not waking up to my h....blah...h is staying here with boys tonight. Obama going to the movies with a girlfriend then staying at my moms. I willow come back home at 4:00 on Saturday to get boys and then have them the rest of the weekend. My mom also comes home Sunday from Florida, so that will be good. 

Husband was also asking about who I was going out to dinner with, EDT..he seemed very concerned. Also asking me what I did when I went to my moms....I can't say I wasn't glad he cared, but I didn't give him too much info. 

I told him things needed to change before we got better, meaning he needed tobget help. As much as I miss him, if he were to come back now, nothing would change...:/


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

Ohh my H does that too. If he's required to watch the kids while I'm out somewhere he will get very moody and sulky if I don't report where I'm going and what I'm doing....which is hilarious to me, because out of the two of us I've been the only one consistently honest throughout our marriage!! As if I'd sneak around behind his back.

Good for you for maintaining your position. You can't go back to a cruddy marriage, and it's really good that you realize that.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Your right, he shouldn't worry, I have never lied to him...also, we decided when we seperated Sunday that we weren't splitting to see other people, we were splitting to give eachother space...

I wish it was as easy as him coming home, but sadly I was more unhappy when he was living here and I was walking on egg shells...I miss the old him, not the person he is now,so if he came home tonight nothing would change. If he would get on some meds and continue ic, that would be a first step...


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

OK I am not saying this to be a downer and truly, not every experience is going to be like mine- but my H and I also agreed that we weren't going to date people while separated, that he was leaving to clear his head and get some space.....and that is a lie on his part. He is actively pursuing other women. It's a bit more complicated than just that, but he is definitely sneaking around behind my back (emotionally only so far, nothing physical- YET). Just be mindful. It does NOT mean your H will do that or is doing that, but I'm just saying, it can't hurt to be vigilante and keep your eyes and ears open.

Otherwise, that is our situation exactly. With some more creepy layers than that, but for the last year things have NOT been right. And even before that too, to a certain degree. I miss him but I miss the him I started dating 9 years ago, not THIS him. And things I've seen him doing now don't even match up with the person I thought I knew. He's totally different to me now. And if he came back tomorrow not a thing would change. It's hard to want someone back to mend your family and also know that it wouldn't be right for that to happen anyways. That's what I seem to have trouble wrapping my head around.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Didn't do good at 180 tonight :/ I asked hubby if their was hope for us and he said "maybe". Blah...he also told me he making an appointment with his therapist, and I told him I was proud of him and he said "I didn't do it for you" he always has to comment...he is solo God damn depressed! He needs help, so hopefully his ic will help..I hate feeling so alone. I just wish he would tell me he loves me, hut he doesn't right now...


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Another thing I realized tonight is that when I am with him, I am unhappy! He makes me so damn sad...I am back to the 180, I can't worry about him any more...I love the man he used to be, but the person he is now, is just a shell!


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

My H hasn't told me he loves me either, since he decided on the separation. It's hard. But I haven't said it to him either, and I've actually never felt motivated to. So I guess that's something.

It's good that you realize that it would be a toxic relationship for you while he's being like this. Sounds like the limited contact is what works best....hopefully he gets the help he needs, but to be honest it really sounds like he's wanting to push you away or keep you at arm's length. At least for now. So continue to just focus on you and do what makes YOU happy.
My H is playing ridiculous mind games with me right now and it's so hard. I've decided to give up figuring it out and just let it be.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Yes, limited contact is good for me...I am sick of crying over him. He can be depressed and alone and I have to stop worrying about his feelings...your right, he wants me at an arms reach away, so if he feels like it he can have me back. Blah...I am starting today doing completly no contact, even when we do kid exchanges and working in me! I am glad he is going back to ic, and maybe his therapist will help him get out of the dark whole he is in...I can't keep holding into "maybe" we will get back togehter ( his words.) He says he will know by if he misses me or not or feels a "spark." It is such a copout, not all 10 yr married couples have sparks. He chose to marry me and love me forever...I want to tell him to f off and that I deserve better then someone who is going to walk away because the "spake" is gone. Trying fndng that spark with someone when your divorced,have two young kids, and live with your parents! Ok, vent over...


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

AGREE AGREE AGREE. I think this is my H's childish outlook on things too, the spark is gone (which he actually said to me as well) so he's on to the next thing. Best of luck, his next girlfriend should be prepared that he'll take off as soon as things start to get a bit stale. But I do believe I'm being partially used as a Plan B, in case his new fun life doesn't work out, he'll just muster up the strength to stay married to me....I actually said that to him once, last week, and he got very angry and defensive about me saying that but I figure, the truth hurts sometimes doesn't it?


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Your right..I am dealing with the spark is gone and major depression..infant say with 99% assuirty that no one else involved..h hasn't shaven and looks depressed, lol. He hasn't gone out with friends or anything. Our bank account is still joint so I can still see where he goes or spends money on...its just sad, but I can't wait around forever :/


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

We are in the same boat, but I will warn you (because everyone on here warned me!!) that they can be very good at hiding things when they want to be. After my H left we went 12 days without seeing each other due to his work, and the first time I saw him he looked awful. Growing a beard, badly needed a haircut, was sick and looked exhausted...and I said "if he's left me for another woman then he is really doing his best to impress her " haha. And I will say that he did not leave me actually for a woman BUT he is looking. And has expressed interest in women that he works with (calling himself "smitten" gag gag gag) although all of this is supposed to be a secret from me. So just don't think it's impossible, it would feel worse to be blindsided. My feeling is expect the worst and be happily surprised when that isn't the case.

But otherwise we are totally the same. Still have a joint bank account, and he isn't even using it (he left me his interac card to access it) and he has gone out with friends a bit, but his mom is reporting that he's been home almost every night for the last 3 weeks. 

It's such a trying time, I really feel for you. I'm 7 weeks in and although I have a lot more clarity it is STILL really hard and confusing.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Very true..I won't be naive, but since he sleeps at his mom and has used no money except to buy food, I am guessing that their is no one else involved..

Week 2 starts tomorrow..how long do you think you will deal with a seperation? I am giving it till August and if I don't feel like we are heading in the riht direction,I will bring up d to him...I always take the boys to ny to visit mq family for 2 weeks, so after that trip in July, I should know how I feel..I just turned 30 last eek and have s lot to offer, so if he wants to let me go, then I will have to move on...


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## MrsG84 (Feb 14, 2013)

You know your husband best, and you know in your gut what is going on. I don't want to be negative because I know it's hard! But people on here kind of gave me a few doses of reality and it helped....I knew in my heart my H hadn't left me for one specific person (as in, had left me for a girlfriend) and I was right. BUT people told me his behavior lined up with someone who did, so I was not surprised when I realized he was out trolling around just for ANYBODY. Nothing you've said seems like a red flag for an affair to me, personally, but it's always good to keep your eyes open.

I am really on the fence about how to deal with this, honestly. I've discovered so many icky things about my H that I would be a fool to take him back, I feel like a fool for WANTING him back sometimes. But I entered into this marriage for better or for worse, and I feel like we have to earn the right to split....you and your H did counselling and that marriage retreat. We've done nothing. We ignored our problems until we couldn't anymore, and the result was H leaving. I just have a hard time feeling like we're just giving up.
That said, I know there needs to be a deadline. I've seen a lawyer to make plans. There's a big family event (wedding) mid-May and I think I am waiting until after that to make a move. If I confront him about his plans, he lies. He tells me that this is only temporary, while telling friends of his that don't know me that it's permanent. I have to do something, I just haven't decided when.

You are totally totally totally right. I am only 29 and even my lawyer said "you have your whole life ahead of you, don't let this hang over your head for years and years" and he is right. I do believe I could find the right person for me, without all this drama, even with two young kids. It's just when I'm brave enough to face the reality of my marriage being really over, I think.

Wow sorry, I wrote a lot hahaha


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Exactly, we still have faith, but at a. Retain point we have to face reality and do what is best for us...it is hard when youbare committed to your vows and other aren't :/


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

Hey Almostsingle30, just wanted to give another perspective to this. I am currently separated from my wife and after the first month I finally noticed that I wasn't myself and hadn't been for quite some time. I talked to my minister and honestly answered his questions and was shocked to realize that I was suffering from major depression.

I have since turned around my life through exercise, diet and talk therapy and am now a much happier more productive man as well as a much better father.

My point is if my minister had not recognized the signs I could have continued on a downward spiral. I see them now but at the time I was completly clueless and in the dark as to why I felt and acted the way I did.

This man needs help and I hope you can get it for him.


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## almostsingle30 (Oct 5, 2012)

Hockeydad, thanks for the prespective. I have been trying for months to help him, but he was starting to drag me down with him. It was a mural decision to split, but more on his end...he is going to ic on Tuesday, so hopefully after a few sessions, his therapist will mention something...are you on any medication? How is your seperation going?


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## Hockeydad (Jan 23, 2013)

I was dragging my wife down as well which is why we separated. She had started drink as a coping mechanism and it wasn't healthy for anyone. I did not realize why I was acting the way I was in fact I didn't even realize what I was doing until I got help. 

Its a huge leap to get help and I thank my lucky stars everyday that I managed to pull myself up. Unfortunately in my case the damage to my relationship with my wife is in her mind no able to be fixed.

I do hope she sees what I am accomplishing and will reconsider but if not life goes on and I have to do the best for my boys and myself.

I'm not on medication as I told my doctor I didn't like that route. For me exercise, diet and talk therapy with my minister have been the ticket. When I check in with the doctor she is happy that its working and keep at it.

Not to defend your husband but having been there I know that you don't realize where you are and what you are doing.


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