# At a loss & heartbroken



## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

My life is a shame at this moment. My husband and I have been separated for almost 4 months. We were working on reconciling when I sabitaged any chance of getting back together. A week ago I was at our house when I just suddenly needed to leave. See, my husband's daughter is 22 years old and has gotten 4 DUIs in less than a year. 3 of which have been in the last 90 days. On top of it I was told by one of his family members that his daughter has been using cocaine heavily for some time. I was just numb and couldn't believe that my husband couldn't confide in me. I have known this for about two weeks and didn't say anything. Waiting for him to tell me. All during this time, he's allowed her to drink and he's chasing her all over the state when she's high as a kite so she doesn't drive under the influence. That Sunday night when I up and left, she was coming down off her high and just raging. I didn't tell him why I left and he decided to end things because as he puts it, "I am all over the place and I shouldn't feel the way I do." We haven't talked since. He enables all of his adult kids behavior and coddles them. There are 3 that live in the home. 2 of which have been there for 5 years and none of them pay no rent or contribute to the household. They are almost 25 years old. One just bought a brand new 2017 car and they just work at a coffee shop part-time. My husband stop believing in me back in 2014. I quit drinking, started to go to therapy, and did whatever it took to work on our marriage at the beginning of 2015. The whole time I was not drinking, he would try to encourage me to drink. I detoxed for 6 months and started to slowly drink again. I was fine for the most part up until October of last year. My girlfriend committed suicide and it just did a number on me. At the same time, I knew my marriage was plummeting. February of this year, my husband told me that he is not in love with me and hasn't been for a long time. I should have left then, but I was brought up very French Catholic and believed we could get through it. When I finally left in July, I was at my breaking point when he told me that we were going to support his alcoholic/drug addicted daughter until she figures it out because she was going to be laid off from her job. The adult kids are his priority and have been for a long time. I just cannot wrap my head around it because we DID have a good marriage and put so much work into building a great life. I feel used financially, physically, and emotionally. My heart is just so broken. My question is am I wrong for feeling like I haven't done anything wrong and he's blaming me because he's embarrassed, ashamed, and has feelings of guilt? Mind you, I have been 84 days sober and working the AA steps. He has done nothing to support me in my recovery. I am also going to individual counseling to help cope with all of this mess.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, if you've been separated for 4 months, and you've been sober 84 days, how is he supposed to have supported you when you and he were separated?

No offense, but it doesn't sound like you're really experiencing the whole AA experience. If you were, I don't think you'd be looking to blame anyone else. Nor say you've done nothing wrong. You've done plenty wrong. For example, you DO know now that once you detox, you cannot 'slowly' start drinking again, right? If you're an alcoholic, you can never drink again.

That said, your H is 100% wrong to be coddling his kids. Just look at the results. He needs some serious therapy to get straight about that. He is ruining THEM by doing what he's doing.

fwiw, I don't see a lot of hope for your marriage without both of you spending quite a bit of time working on yourselves. Reading books. Doing therapy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

The kid's lifestyle themselves is probably not good for your sobriety. Maybe this it's time to give up, move on with your life and be healthy.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

Turnera:

Thank you for your reply. Back in 2015, I was not going to AA. I was doing it on my own. I didn't plan on quitting forever at that time. I decided this August to quit completely, as I was a weekend drinker, but was drinking to excess to block out the toxic and chaotic environment I was living in. When I left is when I decided to quit for myself. No one else. In 2015, I quit for my husband who is an enabler, (though he doesn't think so). I agree with you, that he is doing more harm than good. He is blinded by his narcissistic nature. He feels that he is providing them guidance with his wisdom. Everyone sees my husband as, "the nice guy", Mr. Positive, and always willing to help others. As the saying goes, "It is one thing to know a man, it is another to live with him." Things are different behind closed doors. Again, as much as I feel helpless and lost my upbringing on marriage and the commitment of the vows I took make me determined to work this out. Yes, at this point it doesn't look like it, but as they say, "Distance makes the heart grow fonder." I know the man I met and married. This is not the man and I know he is hiding behind his kids to avoid in dealing with the reality of our relationship. Time will only tell. In the meantime, I am committed to my sobriety and working the steps. Continuing with therapy, spiritual growth through my higher power, meditation, and self healing.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

Thank you for your insight. Yes, I agree with you that he always wants to feel wanted and needed. He does that with his work, friends, and family. I only noticed it when things were starting to fall apart. He definitely has the classic traits of a narsicist. At this point, my hands are tied. I already filed divorce and withdrew prior to reconciling a few months ago. I am not chasing him anymore and he will have to make the next move as much as this is tearing me apart inside.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Tell us more about you and less about him.

My wife is also an enabler of her children. We slogged through it.

What is it that you want?

This is really a key question.

Are you willing to accept his enabling?

I realized I had to if we were to continue.

What say you?


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@ReturntoZero yes I am willing. My alcoholism has created all of this and I was in denial that it is the core reason why my marriage is where it is at. I have been sober for 91 days and I am beginning to see clarity of the damage I caused. I feel that my husband blames himself in some way and wasn't able to "fix" me. He just didn't have the right tools. However, he is stubborn and feels he can fix everything. He regressed and concentrated his energy on his adult kids pushing me aside. I want clear communication and involvement when it comes to decisions concerning the activity in our home. He feels he should do whatever it takes to help his adult kids. I get that. I have 2 of my own, but to allow them to dictate what they can and cannot do in our home and not be held financially and physically responsible is a little over the top.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

It seems to me your husband likes to have a "project". There is a lot of drama that goes along with a alcoholic or a drug addict. He seems to want to be in the thick of it. Maybe this is how he feels he is contributing or helping or showing love. You being sober...you don't need him to clean up your messes anymore. Just a thought.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

blueeyes71 said:


> @ReturntoZero yes I am willing. My alcoholism has created all of this and I was in denial that it is the core reason why my marriage is where it is at. I have been sober for 91 days and I am beginning to see clarity of the damage I caused. I feel that my husband blames himself in some way and wasn't able to "fix" me. He just didn't have the right tools. However, he is stubborn and feels he can fix everything. He regressed and concentrated his energy on his adult kids pushing me aside. I want clear communication and involvement when it comes to decisions concerning the activity in our home. He feels he should do whatever it takes to help his adult kids. I get that. I have 2 of my own, but to allow them to dictate what they can and cannot do in our home and not be held financially and physically responsible is a little over the top.


I did get lucky in that her kids hated me enough to move out. (That accountability thing, you know?)

I now have her oldest (30) and my 10 year old grandson with us.

It's been rather smooth.

The key for me has been advice from this forum. I learned how to only speak up when the issue was disrespect directed towards me.

And, the phrase, "I'm not ok with that" comes in very very handy.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@ReturntoZero I haven't gotten that warm and fuzzy feeling from this forum. Everyone thinks I should call it quits. I guess I am stubborn because I believe in what we have. I know the man I met, fell in love with, and married. My alcoholism clouded every judgement and decision I made. I was selfish and I am working hard to repair that. I just wish he would understand that. We haven't talked in 2 weeks. I just don't know where to go from here at this point.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

blueeyes71 said:


> @ReturntoZero I haven't gotten that warm and fuzzy feeling from this forum. Everyone thinks I should call it quits. I guess I am stubborn because I believe in what we have. I know the man I met, fell in love with, and married. My alcoholism clouded every judgement and decision I made. I was selfish and I am working hard to repair that. I just wish he would understand that. We haven't talked in 2 weeks. I just don't know where to go from here at this point.


How about doing nothing? (serious question)

Take up a hobby you've always wanted to try and start living your life with zest.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

blueeyes71 said:


> @ReturntoZero I haven't gotten that warm and fuzzy feeling from this forum. Everyone thinks I should call it quits. I guess I am stubborn because I believe in what we have. I know the man I met, fell in love with, and married. My alcoholism clouded every judgement and decision I made. I was selfish and I am working hard to repair that. I just wish he would understand that. We haven't talked in 2 weeks. I just don't know where to go from here at this point.


I should elaborate on this a bit further.

This forum is chock full of folks that got cheated on.

To a person, they almost all wish they hadn't wasted as much time hoping and trying and cut-n-run sooner.

I get why they feel that way.

BUT.... I'm always mindful that couples actually "did" fall in love with each other (for whatever reason) at one time.

The trials of life sometimes drain our vitality from us as we indulge addictive behaviors and self-sabotage.

I've never seen the harm in "truly" making an effort to get back to that person that fell in love with the other.

I've seen several couples generate a happy ending in this manner. Not BECAUSE they "tried to save" the "relationship"

It was them saving - and in the process learning to love - themselves.


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## Bonkers (Nov 26, 2017)

blueeyes71 said:


> The whole time I was not drinking, he would try to encourage me to drink.


I'm not understanding why your husband would try to encourage you, a struggling alcoholic, to drink?


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Bonkers said:


> I'm not understanding why your husband would try to encourage you, a struggling alcoholic, to drink?


The only "change" some people view as "positive" is a 15% salary increase.

Most others fight real change tooth and nail. Familiarity does breed contempt, but it also breeds comfort.

Never underestimate how powerful a force "comfort" is.

They likely had some of their best times while tying one on.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@ReturntoZero I am an artist by trade and I have other hobbies. I try to keep myself busy, but it is very difficult.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@ReturntoZero I am learning to love myself. This past weekend, I dug deep and realized my alcoholism ruined everything that was good in my life. I have hurt so many people. I am starting to see clarity in what I did. Recovery takes time and I am learning coping skills and to have self worth.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@ReturntoZero alot of people said that they think he was testing me. Truly not fair and mean.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

blueeyes71 said:


> @ReturntoZero I am learning to love myself. This past weekend, I dug deep and realized my alcoholism ruined everything that was good in my life. I have hurt so many people. I am starting to see clarity in what I did. Recovery takes time and I am learning coping skills and to have self worth.


Is that enough for you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How is AA going?


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@tunera AA is going great. I have passed my 90 days and this Friday I am going to ask a lady to be my sponsor.


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## laststraw (Mar 19, 2017)

:|


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

Unanswered Prayers from Garth Brooks come to mind....

OP... you have to work on yourself first, screw the others.

Only then... can you see things @50k feet

Then you can decide to stay and fight, or leave... with a concise mindset 

They are his kids... and competing with them... you will never "win"

You can "win" but not in that fashion...

You seem to know your short term strategy... what do you expect from him?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@blueeyes71, with all of your progress and clear focus on continuing that progress, why would you want to be part of such a dysfunctional family? I understand you do not want to lose your marriage, but the whole dynamic is simply not healthy for you or anyone. If your husband will not prioritize your marriage above his ADULT children, then there's no hope of repairing the marriage.

What I'm trying to say is, you may be willing to do whatever it takes but he is NOT. It will be a long and arduous process that you end up being 100% responsible for. You will grow to resent him, his children (more than you already do) and at that point it will become EASIER for you to start drinking again.

Please be sensible. If your husband were showing signs of prioritizing YOU and the MARRIAGE, I'd be giving you a very different opinion. Don't jeopardize what you've worked for so far. Honestly, they are not worth it IMO.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@laststraw I do get what you are saying. Yes, my emotions are all over the place right now. I finally got a sponsor in AA and her and I talked quite a bit. I finally reached out to H and at this time, all I am asking for is to come to a common ground, be respectful adults to each other, and just have a friendship. Right now my recovery is priority and his is the adult kids. As time goes on, maybe we will be able to rekindle the love we had for each again. Right now, as things become clearer for me I see that I can't have everything I want right now. I need to take baby steps. Even the smallest victories have the deepest connection. Time, patience, and true commitment to the outcome I am working towards will allow me to love others as I will have loved myself first.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@Chuck71 All I am asking for is to come to a common ground, be respectful adults to each other, and just have a friendship. Right now my recovery is priority and his is the adult kids. As time goes on, maybe we will be able to rekindle the love we had for each again. Right now, as things become clearer for me I see that I can't have everything I want right now. I need to take baby steps. Even the smallest victories have the deepest connection. Time, patience, and true commitment to the outcome I am working towards will allow me to love others as I will have loved myself first.


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## blueeyes71 (Nov 22, 2017)

@Satya I finally got a sponsor for AA. Her and I had a very deep discussion. Right now, my focus is on my recovery, healing from wounds that run so deep since childbirth, growth, and finally to love myself. As AA suggests, "Don't not make a serious changes for the 1st year of recovery." I originally set that date when my H and I began the reconciliation, but now I am more determined to follow through with that. My priority is my recovery and well-being and his are the adult kids. If and when things start to fall into place, I am the one in control .... not him. I will not allow anything to jeopardize my sobriety and my small successes. <3


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