# Approaches to reconciliation...



## RandomDude

Right now my ex-wife is a closed door, she's moved on. I thought I did until I realised what I actually lost. I have mostly come to accept this, but, I want to know if I have exhausted all options.

Tell me, how did you approach reconciliation with your ex/wife/STBX/etc?


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## Nomorebeans

I'll need more information. Did you cheat on her? Her you? Why do you think she's moved on?


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## RandomDude

When we were married, we were faithful, we divorced due to irreconciliable differences at the time, and although she did tried to reconcile I turned her away. Since then, she's turned cold. She's moved on because all the times I tried to be suggestive towards her, she was not responsive. Not even to laugh at a romantic jest. Hence I consider this a closed-door, but... want to know I've tried every key, or if it's too late, and I have to live with the consequences of my actions.

We've been seperated for years, but only officially divorced recently. We are co-parents and have reconciled as friends, but that's all.


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## aine

If she has moved on, then she has, 
What were the irreconcilable differences? You sound like a kid wanting to get back a toy you donated to the charity shop. Have some dignity. 
You probably put her through the wringer when she wanted to reconcile, sorry but there is no going back there, women think differently from men. And if you wanted to really reconcile it would require a lot more hard work than a romantic joke. Live with the consequences of your actions and move on. Let her live her life with someone who won't play games with her.


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## SecondTime'Round

RandomDude said:


> Right now my ex-wife is a closed door, she's moved on. I thought I did until I realised what I actually lost. I have mostly come to accept this, but, I want to know if I have exhausted all options.
> 
> *Tell me, how did you approach reconciliation with your ex/wife/STBX/etc?*


Like a stupid gullible idiot with heavy, heavy blinders on.

Don't do it.


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## Jung_admirer

Reconciliation requires a realization that the former relationship is dead. First, you have to understand the actions that brought the marriage to failure. Second, each partner has to own their contribution to that failure and perhaps work in IC to own their psychological health. Third, each partner has to clearly establish what they need in a new relationship. It's a tall order for both partners to approach with humility and gratitude where formally there was entitlement and fear. Kindest Regards-


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## Openminded

What makes you think she's changed? You were basically abused sexually in that relationship, if I am remembering correctly.


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## RandomDude

Well, we've already done the first 2; realisation, and acknowledgement of our contributions to its failure... problem is I don't know how to approach reconciliation with her. How to even suggest it?

As for how she has changed, it's been so many years and all I've been seeing is a mature, respectable and honest co-parent who is an old friend.


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## RandomDude

Errr... so no more ideas? =/


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## kristin2349

Random,

You said your ex has moved on and closed the door, so I'm guessing you have talked honestly about your desire to try giving it another shot?

If you haven't done that take her out to a nice dinner and do that. Try dating her again if she will consider that.


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## FeministInPink

RandomDude said:


> Well, we've already done the first 2; realisation, and acknowledgement of our contributions to its failure... problem is I don't know how to approach reconciliation with her. How to even suggest it?
> 
> As for how she has changed, it's been so many years and all I've been seeing is a mature, respectable and honest co-parent who is an old friend.


RD, just because she's a good co-parent and a friend to you now does not mean that she's going to be a better partner than the last time around. And for that matter, it doesn't mean that you will be either.

I've read your old threads. Her behavior towards you then WAS abusive, as Openminded pointed out. You keep putting her on a pedestal. STOP IT!!!

Don't go there again. I get why you want to, but you deserve better than that... and yes, even being alone IS better than that.

We want what is best for you. Pursuing a reconciliation with your XW isn't it. That's why most of us are discouraging you.


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## SecondTime'Round

kristin2349 said:


> Random,
> 
> You said your ex has moved on and closed the door, so I'm guessing you have talked honestly about your desire to try giving it another shot?
> 
> If you haven't done that take her out to a nice dinner and do that. Try dating her again if she will consider that.


Yep, I agree with trying to date her. Do NOT agree to just reconcile and buy a house together and move back in?? I mean seriously, who does that???

Oh, me. I do that.

:crying:


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## RandomDude

She was just as devastated (if not more) than I was when we split, and towards the end she was improving gradually. We had alot of hurts however, interfering with our hopes to reconcile our differences, so we had to seperate, but now it's been years. We've remade a solid foundation. She also remains the best option when I think of our daughter. I'm tired of FWBs quite frankly, unless I find another exclusive long-lasting one I'm not very interested in the lifestyle anymore.



kristin2349 said:


> Random,
> 
> You said your ex has moved on and closed the door, so I'm guessing you have talked honestly about your desire to try giving it another shot?
> 
> If you haven't done that take her out to a nice dinner and do that. Try dating her again if she will consider that.


Erm, no actually. I have yet to have a heart-to-heart about the possibility with her, if anything I've been playing it safe, testing the waters, a flirt here, a suggestion there, see how she responds. Everytime, cold.

I've considered simply taking her out to places which may jog her memory about the 'good o days', however with such a successful divorce and solid foundation as co-parents and friends, I wonder if there's a way to play it safe, slow and steady, but still have progress...


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## kristin2349

If she was more devastated and hurt than you and she has finally healed it will take time.

I think slow and steady right now is a good idea, if you aren't into the whole FWB, FB scene anymore maybe try spending more time together and eventually drop the hints and start being vulnerable (scary I know) and honest and see what happens.

Don't do this out of convenience, going back to the devil you know. Especially since you both have managed to find some good solid ground it is important not to do anything to erode that.


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## ConanHub

Is she involved with someone?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three

RandomDude said:


> Well, we've already done the first 2; realisation, and acknowledgement of our contributions to its failure... problem is I don't know how to approach reconciliation with her. How to even suggest it?
> 
> As for how she has changed, it's been so many years and all I've been seeing is a mature, respectable and honest co-parent who is an old friend.


Years? I've only been here since 2013 and I remember when you were still married.


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## RandomDude

Its only been a few years sure, but it's still years to me. Already it feels like a lifetime ago.



kristin2349 said:


> If she was more devastated and hurt than you and she has finally healed it will take time.
> 
> I think slow and steady right now is a good idea, if you aren't into the whole FWB, FB scene anymore maybe try spending more time together and eventually drop the hints and start being vulnerable (scary I know) and honest and see what happens.
> 
> Don't do this out of convenience, going back to the devil you know. Especially since you both have managed to find some good solid ground it is important not to do anything to erode that.


That's the risk I'm not so sure if I am able to take, hence my topic. If I am too forward, our foundation will be shaken, and considering how well our arrangements have been for our daughter's welfare despite the divorce, it's something I don't want to ruin.

And if I'm too cautious, well, won't get anywhere, like now...

There has to be a balanced approached yes?



ConanHub said:


> Is she involved with someone?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have absolutely no idea, but from what I've heard, nothing serious has happened enough that my daughter would have to accept a new man at home.


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## RandomDude

Ok guys, currently thought up a few options, most of which require me to get her alone, and initially clueless of my intentions. Alternatively I can try a slower route by simply budging into her life whenever she takes our daughter out, 'going out as a family' and all that, but unfortunately... we kinda decided it wasn't good for our child, so I expect her to be instantly suspicious.

Anyway, back to the "alone/clueless" approach, question is... how? I can't lie to her if she gets a feeling and asks something like "why?", unless I can think of a good omission. And I can't say it's about our daughter when it's not, not to mention I don't want to involve her in this.

Thats the first hurdle, one step at a time yes... any hints/tips? *sigh*

Also, we are friends, but being exs, there's still the awkwardness if we are to be alone...

EDIT: Ok, nevermind, think I got an answer if she gets suss and asks, I'll just say something like "we were best friends once" or some such... hmmm, tis a suitable excuse? Or not?
If it's a suitable excuse, maybe that's my ace up the sleeve as I dive into this yes? If not I dunno... help me think of something 

Bah!


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## SimplyAmorous

Jung_admirer said:


> Reconciliation requires a realization that the former relationship is dead. *First*, you have to understand the actions that brought the marriage to failure. *Second*, each partner has to own their contribution to that failure and perhaps work in IC to own their psychological health. *Third,* each partner has to clearly establish what they need in a new relationship. It's a tall order for both partners to approach with humility and gratitude where formally there was entitlement and fear. Kindest Regards-


These 3 steps ^^^ Yes!... these can't be side stepped....even if something gets off the ground... it won't be sustainable unless you visit these places thoroughly/ deeply.... worked through them... have a firm want to give this another GO...looking to the future with a renewed hope & trust in each other.. 

None of us can answer for your ex.. where her head is at , or if she has emotionally barricaded her heart from you ...due to feeling ongoing rejection , when she was at her most vulnerable fighting for you....then allowing years to pass without realizing what you lost ....as you describe it now.. a Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)  realization...

The taking "years"... ya know. She'll need to understand WHY...WHY NOW? ... convincing her she means more to you, much more .. than just being tired of Friends with benefits or that she's "the best option available"...this will not do.... 

Search your heart Random Dude...can you articulate it.. how badly do you want this ? 

Some feel she *abused YOU*....How do you feel about that ... do you feel your actions led to her REACTING the way she did to you.. all that sex.. was it to feel loved by you?? With your not opening up emotionally , the fear of vulnerability ... she couldn't GET this from you, no matter what she did, how much she gave to you.. I remember you finding it WEAK... in some ways.... so she resorted to the physical... I don't know enough about psychology to really understand this dynamic...or explain it ... but it makes sense , right. 

You need to be willing to get beyond Romantic Jokes ...and show something REAL to her.. showing her that you ARE RISKING REJECTION -because she means THAT much and more to you.. that you are in admiration of what she's become.. after the split.. how she mothers, how she moves.. how she ______ and you still love her... but yeah.. take it slow.. she needs to warm up & welcome the idea you have changed TOO.. and needs to SEE IT.. FEEL IT.. believe in it.. 

This isn't some random woman on the street, it's your former BEST FRIEND...the mother of your child...I hold out Hope for you & her... "so long as there is breath.. there is hope".... maybe I've seen too many inspiring movies ... I don't know.. but life is too short to have regrets..


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## RandomDude

Ergh, there's abit of irony folks, recently - actually right now despite our rather cordial co-parenting arrangements ex and I are now having a little spat over our parenting styles based on daughter's apparent bullying behavior, I'm going to church with my daughter today to see what's all it about. Anyway...



SimplyAmorous said:


> These 3 steps ^^^ Yes!... these can't be side stepped....even if something gets off the ground... it won't be sustainable unless you visit these places thoroughly/ deeply.... worked through them... have a firm want to give this another GO...looking to the future with a renewed hope & trust in each other..


We're at step 0 though =/ like, I don't even know where I stand, if there's even anything left on her side - and I don't know how to 'safely' inquire.



> None of us can answer for your ex.. where her head is at , or if she has emotionally barricaded her heart from you ...due to feeling ongoing rejection , when she was at her most vulnerable fighting for you....then allowing years to pass without realizing what you lost ....as you describe it now.. a Don't Know What You Got (Till It's Gone)  realization...
> 
> The taking "years"... ya know. She'll need to understand WHY...WHY NOW? ... convincing her she means more to you, much more .. than just being tired of Friends with benefits or that she's "the best option available"...this will not do....
> 
> Search your heart Random Dude...can you articulate it.. how badly do you want this ?


Well, you judge:

Since seperation I've only seen her mature and grow. She's never made the divorce difficult and we still provide a united front for our daughter - well, most of the time, recent events are a little edgy. As for me, I can't say I still love her in a romantic fashion, but I still love her in my own way and I do hold her in high respect despite our disagreements from time to time. I still look out for her and as for why do I want this?

Yes, she is the best option available, and yes I am tired of FWBs. But that's not all there is. Looking back at our marriage I see more of my faults that hers even if my own posts were written from my own point of view. She was abusive and she had problems but I did not manage them correctly and even when she made progress I berated her, pushed her away, punished her for her slip ups, when I should have been supporting her. I made a sh-t ton of mistakes and I see them as clear as day now. 

All I know is that I want to do better, not to mention I simply can't discount all the times we shared when we WERE happy together, and more than that, we've been a huge part of each other's lives for years, alot of sacrifices made, and she was with me through it all. It's not everyday that I find someone who I can confide with, yes, we had transparency issues since marriage but before that - we were very close and completed each other. We had just the right amount of things in common as well as opposites. The chemistry was there, and yes we had disagreements but it's how we grew together and grew together we did.

She fought for me to the end, I kicked her fingers off. She's a good woman that deserves to be loved, not to be judged, I once loved her in that fashion and I know I can do it again.



> Some feel she *abused YOU*....How do you feel about that ... do you feel your actions led to her REACTING the way she did to you.. all that sex.. was it to feel loved by you?? With your not opening up emotionally , the fear of vulnerability ... she couldn't GET this from you, no matter what she did, how much she gave to you.. I remember you finding it WEAK... in some ways.... so she resorted to the physical... I don't know enough about psychology to really understand this dynamic...or explain it ... but it makes sense , right.


Yes, and yes, and yes - and I knew that even before the divorce but didn't want to admit it to myself. That's how stupid and proud I was.



> You need to be willing to get beyond Romantic Jokes ...and show something REAL to her.. showing her that you ARE RISKING REJECTION -because she means THAT much and more to you.. that you are in admiration of what she's become.. after the split.. how she mothers, how she moves.. how she ______ and you still love her... but yeah.. take it slow.. she needs to warm up & welcome the idea you have changed TOO.. and needs to SEE IT.. FEEL IT.. believe in it..
> 
> This isn't some random woman on the street, it's your former BEST FRIEND...the mother of your child...I hold out Hope for you & her... "so long as there is breath.. there is hope".... maybe I've seen too many inspiring movies ... I don't know.. but life is too short to have regrets..


So there's no other way? I have to risk it?

*sigh* Wish there's a blindhold for my heart then, because if there's no other way. Fine, I'll do it...

Though hell it'll have to be after we get this stupid bullying dilemma out of the way today.


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## RandomDude

Thanks SA, and thanks guys btw

Some direction at least, it's like the reason I've been going in circles for so long is because I've been letting my fear get the better of me
I just hope this won't have repurcussions for our daughter, not to mention recent events is making this a bad time especially if we don't resolve our 'other' situation.

There's cracks in our co-parenting arrangements that seems to have developed through split-parenting


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## Blondilocks

Before you decide to approach reconciliation, please be sure she is the woman you want. Her ethnicity won't change. 

Are you only interested in her because you have found the pickings for your stated ethnic preference to be too slim? Are you lonely?


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## RandomDude

Her ethnicity is no longer a problem for me and never should have been, besides that was a very minor quabble that I overblow whenever I got pissed off at her. Another way I fked up actually. I did betray my race and cut alot of circles by marrying her so I did make the sacrifices when it mattered - ex did too for the most part, MIL was a problem for some time. But this issue was resolved years ago.


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## SimplyAmorous

RandomDude said:


> Well, you judge:
> 
> Since seperation I've only seen her mature and grow. She's never made the divorce difficult and we still provide a united front for our daughter - well, most of the time, recent events are a little edgy. As for me, I can't say I still love her in a romantic fashion, but I still love her in my own way and I do hold her in high respect despite our disagreements from time to time. I still look out for her and as for why do I want this?
> 
> Yes, she is the best option available, and yes I am tired of FWBs. *But that's not all there is. Looking back at our marriage I see more of my faults that hers even if my own posts were written from my own point of view. She was abusive and she had problems but I did not manage them correctly and even when she made progress I berated her, pushed her away, punished her for her slip ups, when I should have been supporting her. I made a sh-t ton of mistakes and I see them as clear as day now. *


So you've peered into what SHE had to deal with from your hand...and now, you can see it for what it was...the clouds have parted....that it could have been a whole different story played out here.. had YOU handled things very differently... 

I do feel some like JLD on this forum.. that our MEN, when we feel loved & supported through our worries, stressors, insatiable sex drives (the way my husband handled me - I owe him the world, he never wanted me to feel rejected)..I can not express how much, how deep, how wide THIS means to us.. it carries us, we don't forget these things.. 

Like this quote...










.. we smile through the little things.. ...knowing he has our back... we can fall safely in his arms.. this will give back *to you* 10-fold in goodness... unless SHE was a narcissistic User /abuser, taking advantage...

Do you know her heart, what she sought from you back then .. was she more reasonable that you gave her credit for ...I wonder.. it sounds you both had your dysfunctions... both VERY strong willed on top of that ... but still if one had their sh** together.. with more patience "leading"..influencing the good out of the other.... it could have made a tremendous difference... 

But it turns out...you gave her no choice but to give up...too much banging her head against the wall...it's not something she is going to easily overlook ... she *had to* guard her







, maybe even sanity from YOU!... You've seen the many stories played out here ....most will tell you there is no hope after you've treated a woman like that....

Though always, I can't help but notice.. there is something in your posts that would continually set her apart.. that none could compare to this woman.. ..she was unique, one of a kind, she loved & believed in you knowing all you came from, without judgement.... she seems the only one to have influenced YOU in any way. 



> All I know is that I want to do better, not to mention I simply can't discount all the times we shared when we WERE happy together, and more than that, we've been a huge part of each other's lives for years, a lot of sacrifices made, and she was with me through it all. It's not everyday that I find someone who I can confide with, yes, we had transparency issues since marriage but before that - we were very close and completed each other. We had just the right amount of things in common as well as opposites. The chemistry was there, and yes we had disagreements but it's how we grew together and grew together we did.


 I've noticed on this forum.. there are many people who take little stock or care for memories past.. I could never relate to those people.. as I'm one to look back...it's like your mistakes here can't let you go.. you NEED to make reconciliation for them.. this is where you are being led .... 

I think the wisest approach in this -is to go forth ...but NOT EXPECT ANYTHING FROM HER.... yet still you want her to KNOW and understand ....you wronged her....in your Pride, your stupidity, you see it NOW, it shouldn't have taken this long. but that's what PRIDE DOES TO US.. we become stubborn mules..... that you & her could have gotten through whatever came -had you *supported* her like the man she deserved.... (these are your realizations written out here).... 

Regardless of how she reacts to you (and this will be the most difficult for you, you have to inspire yourself -not play off of her).....you are doing this for YOU also....to make honest amends where amends is DUE... if you win her affections in the process.. wonderful/ beautiful !!...but it's still worth going here... this is your maturing...and becoming that BETTER MAN YOU WANT TO BE...

Hopefully what she has harbored against you -will slowly begin to lighten... as you continue to show her the changes in you....






> *She fought for me to the end, I kicked her fingers off. She's a good woman that deserves to be loved, not to be judged, I once loved her in that fashion and I know I can do it again.*


 You say YOU KNOW you can do it again.. never discount the human will and spirit.. when it wants something.. 

I mentioned movies in my last post...a couple weeks ago, we saw Unbroken ...this was playing at a Resort we stayed at.. Our sons & Gf heard all about this movie & wanted to see it (they are CC runners).. WOW.. we didn't realize HOW DIFFICULT this would be to watch...unfathomable what this man lived through.. he was a Juvenile delinquent, his brother encouraged him to RUN...he became an Olympian, then off to war, imagine surviving a plane crash, 45 days on a raft , eating sharks.. then captured by your enemies and humiliated, tortured...what this movie didn't show is the Post traumatic stress afterwards of what this man lived through, .. but he overcame it all.. his raging HATE for "the Bird" -his tormentor...his story can be found on you tube -the real man.. talk about turning one's life around ! So I say.. there is always hope. he was on the verge of loosing his marriage too.. but his wife didn't give up on him..... 








.. you think we've had trials.. we've had nothing...rent this.... about the resilient power of the human spirit...the life of Louie" Zamperini .



> So there's no other way? I have to risk it?
> 
> **sigh* Wish there's a blindhold for my heart then, because if there's no other way. Fine, I'll do it...*
> 
> Though hell it'll have to be after we get this stupid bullying dilemma out of the way today.


 I remember yrs back ...same dilemma, you were teetering.... but you weren't OPEN TO IT.. not to that point yet.. you couldn't go there, *you refused*.. There is something very redeeming about you Random Dude... there is a good heart underneath it all..

Yrs ago.. a poster shared this ... one doesn't have to have any faith or specific belief to see the wisdom in it..


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## RandomDude

@SimplyAmorous

Very powerful words there... 'the one you feed'

It was hard to see when I was living it. Like, peering into scope, you focus with tunnel vision especially if you think you are 'on target' and lose situational awareness. Now I see I shot everything but the target.

You are correct when it comes to ex, she was there when I was practically straight off the street and there when I hit it big legit. In fact, I wouldn't have hit it big if it wasn't for her. She practically changed my life, my social circles, my language even, she just made me a better person despite our hiccups. The painful thing is - I don't know if I can say the same.

What I'm planning may destroy me however, I'm not very used to putting myself in vulnerable positions, it goes against my instincts. But I see now it's what I have to do.


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## RandomDude

Well guys... its all over before it even began, as she's not interested in reconciliation.

Perhaps it's the horrid timing in the midst of our parental huddles but I couldn't keep procastinating, anyway... meh

Think I'm going to take some time and pick up the pieces of my wounded pride, but otherwise I'm ok, and a part of me wanted this, so I can feel free.

Do feel free... just, meh


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