# Working on our intimacy problems.



## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

OK...I posted this on another thread sharing what I was going through and doing to help someone else. It was suggested I start a thread. Probably good advice, so here goes.

I am beginning to realize that a relationship should not require so much work from one person. This is my situation and plan.

We both work. I work about 60 hrs and she works about 30 hrs a week. She cooks. We both share housework and laundry. I do everything else except she shops for groceries. So I am not the maid that you are, but I have shared most of the burden hoping my wife would love me for it.

For over 5 years I have told her that I need some desire from her. Need to feel wanted. Tired of all the romancing, chocolate, flowers, dinner, etc. just to have a wife that gives in to my desire everyone once in awhile.

Wrote her a 4 page letter last week to make sure that she understood my feelings in writing. A couple of things got her dander up. So much so that she complained to her friends and removed her wedding ring. A couple of my friends called me to give me marriage advice...lol. I just relaxed and invited each of them and their wives over for a open discussion for last Friday night. I get home and my wife lets me know that no one is coming over Friday night.

She has decided to get counseling now. This is not the first time, and its never worked before. But she seems more serious this time, so who knows. 

If she doesnt get better soon, I am going to ask her for an open marraige. I love her desperately, but I cannot continue to deny myself of something as wonderful as sex, anymore. She knows that I love her more than anything.

Anyway, the letter got her attention. I cannot say that I am excited about her taking the ring off, but it is more reaction than I have gotten before. I am resolved to stay calm and firm. I am not excited about the counseling, but I will give it a shot.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

First and foremost I have not much experience on this type of problems and I usually stick to the topics that I can debate in. There's seasoned people with tons of experience that give much better advice. But out of sheer curiosity I'm making an exception: what exactly was in the letter that make her take the ring off?


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## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

If you had told me that, after marriage, our sex life would dwindle down to once every 2 weeks I'm not sure I would have willingly taken on the responsibility of marriage.

I'd switch places with you any day. It takes a lot less effort to keep a husband happy than it does to keep a wife happy. Give me sex three times a week, get into it, let me curl your toes, you curl my toes, and I'm a happy man. What is so hard about that? Why aren't I and my needs worth as much effort from you as you get from me regarding your needs? Would it be a surprise if I felt less inclined to do things you want me to do. I'm feeling less and less like a loving husband and more and more like a paycheck.


Those 2 parts. Please keep in mind you are reading out from the context of the whole letter.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

She does not feel attraction and does not want to be preached to about how she should offer her body. She has a vested interest in the no sex model and had a big hand in withholding sex and creating it. This is the last thing in the world she wants to work on with her harried schedule. Removing the ring is dramatic symbolism that she won't be bullied.


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## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> She does not feel attraction and does not want to be preached to about how she should offer her body. She has a vested interest in the no sex model and had a big hand in withholding sex and creating it. This is the last thing in the world she wants to work on with her harried schedule. Removing the ring is dramatic symbolism that she won't be bullied.


Interesting. If she ask me what I think about her taking the ring off, I may ask her if your conclusion is correct.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Reread your letter and see if the tone had any whining or "I need from you" tone to it. You need to be strong, unshakeable and masculine to gain her attraction back.

"If she ask I might" is all tentative, weak language. If you care...ASK. It sounds like time to man up and let her know (through your actions, not words) you have this and she can trust in following your lead.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think cre8ify may well be right but your wife IS meeting you half way with the MC... you can't rebuild your marriage/connection without her co-operation...she is co-operating.

Personally I liked what you wrote.... more withholding spouses need to know how much pain they inflict with their rejections. I really do believe many are oblivious to it or at least oblivious to just how deeply those rejections cut and how damaging they are to the love within the marriage.
Because often to them... ' sex just isn't important".

I couldn't live in a sexless marriage.. sorry correction... I wouldn't live in a sexless marriage (except of course all illness and travel). 

All the best I really hope this works for you.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

I agree with W, what you wrote was clear and direct. I have written similar things myself. The expectations need to be established and your letter probably did that. As to the solution, the intimacy follows respect and gaining respect is not a short term proposition.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It got her reaction all right:
- she trashed you to your friends in a one sided manner which is why she didn't want a group discussion. 
- she threatened you with divorce via the ring move

Your constant chasing makes you look weak and is repulsive to her. She hates sex because she hates your grovelling for crumbs. The fact that you put so much into the marriage and get so little out just reinforces her sexual aversion.

Counseling is a delaying tactic. A Counselor cannot give you what you need, only you can do that.


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## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

waiwera and Cre8ify,

I have been more interested in meeting her needs than seeking my happiness. The result of that is I have been becoming more unhappy. I am pretty resolved in calmly standing my ground. Last night she talked about how our marraige was in so much trouble and sounded like the sky is falling. I told her what she sounded like and asked if she felt like the issue could be resolved. I told her that she needed to be clear on that because I am not going to waste any more time on this if it cannot be resolved. I told her if she wants out to let me know, because I am not going to disrespect her wishes if she wants to leave or wants me to leave. She told me that she wants to work things out. 

I am so glad I posted this, because both of you have given me alot of encouragement to stand up for my intimate needs. Thank you.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Her reaction seems a bit extreme. You dare to communicate, which is what couples are supposed to do, and she jumps that far ahead. My guess is there is more to the story...or you two are mind readers and have no need to speak.


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## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

When we are communicating and she doesnt like the way things are going, she likes to make a claim that we dont communicate. We talk about everything. I think when she feels that we arent communicating, its just because I am not saying what she wants to hear. I notice she doesnt make that claim when we are talking and there isnt a conflict. 

One of the things I have realized is that she has a temper. She gets fired up about things. My parents fought alot when I was young and I didnt want my kids to see that. I am beginning to realize that I have to stand my ground when I feel that I am right. I cant let my past effect our relationship.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> I cant let my past effect our relationship.


By this you mean being a pushover and discarding your needs?

Consider this--the opposite of love is not anger...it is apathy. If she cares enough to fight about it, she cares enough...just not in front of the kids.

These are conversations my wife hates to have. I insist we have them because they are about my needs. She usually loves to talk about every other thing under the sun. The thing to be careful of when the anger comes is to not do any permanent damage. There are no do-overs and when you are talking about such intimate and personal topics you can leave a little nick in there. Bottom line...you want her feeling like a love goddess no matter what gets said.

Which leads to my favorite TAM guideline which I would love to properly attribute if I only remembered the sage who wrote it:

To get more intimacy:

Make is risky for her to not have sex with you

Make it risk-free for her to have sex with you.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

One other thing. A long letter is viewed as weak. 






NeedLuv said:


> OK...I posted this on another thread sharing what I was going through and doing to help someone else. It was suggested I start a thread. Probably good advice, so here goes.
> 
> I am beginning to realize that a relationship should not require so much work from one person. This is my situation and plan.
> 
> ...


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## NeedLuv (Nov 20, 2012)

She got a testosterone shot yesterday. Recommended by her doctor. Hopefully that helps.


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## jonepeteru (Nov 27, 2012)

It sounds like time to man up and let her know


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