# Its a lot to read but I really really need help



## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years now and have had our share of ups and downs. But this time I’m scared…really scared. 

I just turned 35 and she is 33 (soon to be 34) We are both strong minded and passionate individuals and have butted heads over the years but never over small petty things like now. Oh screw it. I’m just going to tell you our entire story and although most will be negative it really hasn’t been. We have had a lot of positive and great moments, thus the reason I love my girl with all my heart. But since this is about the problems it will mostly be negative. 

Anyway here is our story. Please read it and please give me some advice because I’m really lost here…and scared. 

First few years were great. We bought a house together; we bought a car, got a dog and cats all the typical things that a newlywed couple does for the most part. The only thing we didn’t really agree on was how many kids we wanted. lol

But over time we started bickering over the dumbest of things and due to both being passionate we did stupid things. There was never physical abuse of any type just screaming, thoughtless hurtful insults and slamming of doors. But we still managed to make it through. However during this time I did one really stupid thing. 

During this time my wife asked me to please go to counseling for to the two of us and I (like a moron) refused. At the time I viewed counseling as a negative and silly thing.

I should take this time to mention that my wife is from Canada and I’m here in the USA. As a result all her family is in Canada and mine (just my parents really) are in the USA. 

Devastated she turned to my parents for support hoping they would help get me to go to counseling. But my parents felt the same way about counseling as I did at the time (wonder where I got that from) so she felt truly helpless.

I tried my best to work through things and over time we got through it. Unfortunately she just “put it on the shelf” and I foolishly thought all that was ok. Looking at everything now I see what an unhealthy relationship my parents have had and how I was almost trying to mirror what they had done. 

So as time passed my wife lost a couple jobs (truly not her fault one was just unbearable and the other not really secure) and we fell in the credit card trap. We were using credit to live etc. Needless to say the mounting finances were a constant stress not really something we took out on each other but still a stress. My wife was also suffering from a mild depression as a result and starting making silly purchases at which point we did start having fights. She said that I was acting more like her dad than a husband and I felt helpless because I saw how helpless she was to stop herself. Now I’m not saying she was buying “huge things” just a lot of small stuff. It also bad because I started building animosity toward her, such as she bought a birthday gift for me and the second thing I said (after thank you) was “how did you pay for it?” Not a good thing for either of us. 

It was during this time that I was very unhappy at my current job and started seeking employment elsewhere. She helped me and in time I picked up a part time job to “make for a smooth transition” Because my biggest fear was leaving a secure job (even though I hated it) for a potentially unsecure job etc. So in trying to make ends meet and making this step I was working up to 14 hour days. All of our money was going toward bills (mostly credit cards) and so things were still tight putting a huge strain on us. 

I realize now I thought I was showing love for her by the action of working around the clock but all she wanted was me. She suggested bankruptcy, which once again stubborn moron here was vehemently against. Pride has often been my worst enemy. 

But soon things were about to take a tragic turn. 

We discovered that my wife had a fibroid which was causing her extreme menstrual cycles and general discomfort. This got really bad during my job transition and with her out of work so she didn’t have any insurance at the time. The doctor she was seeing told her she needed surgery but no one would do it unless we paid up front: $12000 up front. So we decided that she could just go to back to Canada to have the surgery done. 

It was our only option at the time. 

But then it all fell apart. During this time her doctor prescribed her birth control pills to help subside the extreme bleeding during her menstrual cycles. But after only a few weeks of taking them she developed a pain behind her knee. At first we thought it was a pulled or strained muscle because she had began jogging again. But the pain persisted and got worse. Finally we smartened up and she went to the ER where she was told it was a torn tendon and was given a knee brace. Later that same night she began having shortness of breath and we called the hospital only to be told it was a panic attack. 

When we saw the physical therapist the next day he looked at it for two seconds and said it was a blood clot. My heart sank. He then told us to go straight to the ER and to cut the chase it was a blood clot, it had broken lose, and the previous night while experiencing the shortness of breath, she had a massive pulmonary embolism. The staff all said it was a miracle she survived. 

After spending almost 3 weeks in the hospital my wife was finally able to come home. She had to essentially learn how to walk again. It was a very bittersweet time. 

We pursued a lawsuit due to the misdiagnosis but since her recovery went so well the attorneys told us there wasn’t really enough “damages” to validate a case. We were both beside ourselves with anger and confusion, especially my wife. 

We had racked up a 100,000+ bill from the hospital stay and treatments and my wife still had the fibroid in her. We were lost. 

A couple months later she went to Canada to have the fibroid removed and I stayed home to “hold down the fort” etc. It took 3 months for her insurance to kick in up there and another couple months to schedule the surgery. Needless to say this was a very trying time for us. She ended up being gone a total of 9 months. The separation was hard. She had nothing to do up there and I was working constantly and had little time. She would call as soon as I got home so I would be stressed and distracted. This caused a huge strain. I also became distant because thinking about her was hard…it made me heart sick. So I concentrated on other things such as my desire to be an artist. I wasn’t calling as often the relationship began to crumble. I didn’t see it and she didn’t say anything. It was a slow death of sorts. 

Until one day she called to say she wanted out and that the marriage was over. I was crushed. I was confused and hurt. I was so devastated. Looking back now it’s so obvious why she fell out of love with me but at the time I was so blind. I thought that working and calling every now and then was enough. I had not thought of anyone else I had not done anything but work, come home, draw, and sometimes go with a guy friend to a movie. That’s was my life. 

But after I was told this I went into the typical panic mode. I was beside myself. She had become so worried about me that she called a friend of mine to make sure I was ok. Slowly with the support of friends and time she and I started talking again. She let me know how she felt alone and cried herself to sleep and I explained why I had cut her off to a degree because it was too hard to think of her all the time. So slowly she decided to give me a second chance. I wanted to come up for her surgery but she refused she felt that she needed to do it alone for a reason I still don’t understand. 

But things did work and she did come home. I agreed to go to counseling and we were making a try for everything again. We finally filed for bankruptcy and I went back to working one job again. Funny thing is although we filed for bankruptcy primarily due to the hospital bill. The hospital ended up dropping the bill (after we talked to the head about her experience) a few weeks before our bankruptcy was official. But it was still a good thing for us because again I was able to quit a job and we retained our house etc. 

Everything seemed like it was on the right track again. I was home more she was now working online singing and writing music, which is her dream. She was still going to school everything seemed great, except for the fact that my wife was getting distant. Even though I was trying to be there she was still withdrawing. 

After a few months she told me that she still has a lot of resentment towards me and was unable to forgive what had happened to her. She would often breakdown crying about almost dying and that she was unable to get any justice out of it. She wanted to move back to Canada and hated being the bedroom where she almost died. As she put it “there is nothing but bad memories here” I would try and focus on positive stuff and asked her what sort of justice she wanted from the doctors. She said she didn’t know that she just wanted them to suffer like she did. She was becoming consumed with it letting it bleed over on to me by saying that I didn’t do anything the night she had the embolism. It was bad. 

So we both started going to counseling, which seemed to help at first. The therapist evaluated us both and deemed that my wife needed to let go of this animosity toward the doctors and myself. He determined that she was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. So he began treating her for it then after a few weeks we both began going to work on things. During this time although she was very short with me at times and said that she no longer wanted kids and that she had changed. I still stayed cool and supportive. But she fell deeper in her music and the online community where she performs her music etc. I thought it was a good distraction until she began spending all her time there. I would bring her tea and would take care of things around the house trying to remove any stress from her. But she still seemed distant. 

I knew that she had really good friends on this online community but there was an older guy (having marital issues of his own) who she was now calling her best friend. This of course hurt me but I trust my wife so I let it go. Plus she would become very defensive and short with me and I didn’t want to press the matter. 

Around this time my wife felt that the counseling methods didn’t help all that much with her anger towards what happened to her. I suggested that we find a different therapist and she agreed. But it didn’t seem to ever happen over the 2-3 weeks. During this time her friend online stopped talking to her to spend more time with his family and tried to get his life back in order as well. 

Now again I must stress I really don’t think anything was going on here at all. First off I trust my wife and second off I’ve talked to the guy over the phone. I have done some work for him (graphic design) etc. Plus he had gotten me a job interview here. Also he is many states away and is from what I have seen just a nice guy. 

My wife was always very open as to how they would help each other plus she had other friends on there as well. But once he stopped being online as much she really took it hard. She felt that she had lost her best friend and so on. I told her that I wanted to be her best friend again and she agreed saying she wanted that as well. So slowly but surely we started working toward that.

So during this time I was looking for a different job and she was actually starting to spend less time online. She began exercising and we started spending more time together. Seemingly out of the blue. Everything seemed as if it was getting back on track. She was hugging me more and we were feeling a connection again. I was both happy but still cautious because I feared it was temporary. 

I would again mention that we still needed to find another therapist and she would agree but it still wasn’t getting done. I checked for a few online but was unable to call anyone at work plus I wanted her to feel good about the therapist. I didn’t want to waste our time or money again because I think that a bad therapist can hurt more than help. 

During this time we tried being intimate again but sadly I was unable to perform up to par. I’ve been having ED issues I think stemming from being scared and unconfident in the relationship. Thus another reason we need a therapist. I still satisfied her in other ways but she wanted that connection and began thinking it was her etc. 

I swear it seems like there is always something holding us back on in the way. 

So 2 weeks ago she went to Canada (a trip she had been planning) to be there for our niece who is having surgery and to look at houses there as we are still planning to try to move there. Thinking an overall change will help dissolve the bad memories for her. 

But since she has been up there she started becoming very distant and when I would call to just talk or help her with schoolwork etc she would be very snappy or irritated. I wasn’t fighting with her even though it seemed she wanted to fight. I would just either try to joke or talking sweet asking her to not be so mean (in a silly kid’s voice we use between us), She would then sometimes calm down tell me that she was sorry and that she didn’t know why she treats me like that. But then she would go right back to it. I gave a few days and called to see how our niece was doing etc. That is when the bottom fell out. Again. 

She told me that since she has been gone she doesn’t want to be with me anymore. She just wants to focus on her music and doesn’t want anything from anyone. She told me that she is sorry to hurt me and that I should just find someone else who wants kids. I told her that I wasn’t even thinking about kids that we have other things to deal with right now. She then started posting stuff like Love is dead etc on her social networking sites. 

I was hit in the chest with a hammer. I was totally taken aback. Just a week or so earlier she was hugging me telling me that she loved me. She said she would just be gone for a couple weeks, now all that has changed. I foolishly reacted with emotions when she first told me. I went with a tough love approach telling her that she needs to not be so negative and that she will always be unhappy unless she changes. I also told her that if she wants a divorce that she needs to tell me to my face and not over the phone. 

I begged her to please start seeing a therapist again to which she of course went completely on the defensive. She said she just wants time to think and that I need to focus on my life or find someone else. 

So again I find myself devastated. Only this time I really don’t know why. I know that I didn’t react the best way at first and I’m sure that I still need to work on communication skills. But I’m still at a loss as to what happened or what has changed so suddenly. 

I feel that I may lose her this time because she is gone. I’m not around her to support her. I don’t know if it’s a midlife crisis or what is going on with her but I know this is not her and that I still love her so very much. I don’t feel she is thinking clearly at all. She told me that she doesn’t want anything from me but her clothes and a few possessions. I can keep the house, cars etc. 

A couple days ago I sent her an email telling her I was sorry for reacting that way and that we can work this out. I told her that even though we weren’t “on” at the same times or in sync that was ok. Because it showed we still had feelings and that we just need to work on getting that in order. She didn’t respond. 

Yesterday however was my birthday (6 days after she told me it was over) and she sent and email wishing me a happy birthday and hoping that I had a good day. I called her that night and chatted just a bit. She was still distant and bothered but I just stayed calm and cool. I let her know that I love her and I was here if she needs me. I didn’t go on and on about it I literally just said that. 

Anyway I’m just so damn scared and lost right now. She is my heart and all I think about. I fear that being up there essentially alone she will just grow more distant from me making her decision easier. I feel we have been through so much that we can get by this especially when she is the one who really needs me to step up and help her. 

I don’t know what I can do. Please help. Please.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I read the whole thing,

I see that you have had pretty hard experiences in your relationship that have harmed it. You have to forgive yourself for all those mistakes you made in your relationship, I have told this to many people asking for advice but you have forgive yourself, until you do that and stop wondering about the should, could and would, you will be able to be less stressed. 

Let her think about her situation, it seems she is really troubled, and the reason why every time she is in Canada she wants to bail out is because she finds peace over there. After she has had enough time and after she is able to think things over, she will be able to contact you. Trust me you will hear from her again, don't know when because it is up to her when she decides she is ready. 

It can be ready to reconcile or ready to separate permanently and you have to prepare yourself for this. You already told her that you are willing to work and even proven her that your marriage is important enough to make a change. You are doing everything you can, now it's up to her my friend. 

You cannot make her change her mind, it's up to her, she is free to chose what's best for her and it that means that you will separate you have to respect either decision.

Be strong, i know your pain, I have and sometimes am still there. Let go, picture yourself happy, be alone is not the end of the world because at some point IF you work on yourself, you will appreciate this time of rest like she is right now. Focus on yourself, like she is and be with friends, go out avoid staying alone in your house. Run, endorphins are good for the state of mind, you will see try it and you will feel better and this is pure and proven brain chemistry.

My advice is: Let her decide for herself, you already told her your decision, she knows you love her. Now she has to find herself and see what will make her happy.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Thanks so much for reading my long winded post and I really appreciate your advice. 

It makes perfect sense about her "finding peace" in Canada because she is away from any stress etc. 

I know I have to let her make up her mind but I want her to do it under the best possible circumstances. That's why I wish there was a way that she would see a therapist of some type or something so that she could make a clear-headed decision. 

Oh God this is all so hard. I don't want to dominate or anything like that and I really feel we can still be very happy. I just need that chance. If we could just follow through with our plans to move and seek counseling. 

I will take your advice about running though (although I hate it lol ). Thanks so much and any other advice is most welcomed.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Remember she is an adult and they way she decides to rule her life is her decision. 

I know you mean good, i know you care for her but if the person is not willing or not interested for the moment being you cannot push her/him. 

I didn't want to go to individual counseling when we were together, she did not want to go to marriage counseling when we were together. I do not know if she is doing it, or even if she feels the need to go, now that I am not that in contact with her life. I just hope that she is doing everything she can to be happy and at peace. 

I am going to individual counseling, because I chose to not because she told me. I saw there was a need from my part and I decided to take action. We all are adults, even in our weakest moments. 

Be patient and TRUST her decision is going to make her happy. This is what you want right? love means to love without expecting anything in return, love unconditionally even if it means she will not be with you.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Yeah I do want her to be happy and I understand. I'm just fearful that she will not make her decision with a clear head. I trust her and I love her so very much but she has made rash decisions in the past (even before we were together) and I don't want to see her do so again. 

I know my opinion is biased, it can't help but be. And this isn't about me "losing" or anything like that. I just want her to be happy and not regret anything. I feel if we could start making strides toward moving and supporting each other it would work, because it was just about to start working. 

I'm just rambling now. This is so hard and I'm so worried about her right now. I want her to ok and I want to share stuff with her again like I was right before she left.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I recognize that you had to emphasize the negative in your post, but I'll be honest, it sounds like the seas you have sailed together have been mostly stormy with occasional patches of calm. Between the financial and health issues you outlined, it seriously sounds like life went off the rails.Certainly for your wife.

What if her being happy means letting go of you? Could you face that? 
It is clear that you want to 'steer' her, and given your circumstances it won't work. The more you try to direct her at this point, the more she will likely resent you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

If her letting me go would make her happy then I'll have to deal with it. 

I would also like to point out that we have had a lot of great moments and overall I would say the majority of our marriage has been good. It's just the bad things have been so dramatic and a lot to deal with especially considering our age. 

I went into detail about the bad because that's what has caused this problem. I don't know if it's sparked a midlife crisis or what. 

I understand it's her decision and obviously I hope she chooses to stay with me. But that doesn't mean I'm trying to steer her any direction. I'm not going to lie if I had a magic wand I would use it. 

I just don't want our relationship fail due to the medical incident, which has already taken so much from us. I don't want her to continue being haunted by it and for it to continue to destroy things in her life. 

I know that isn't fully to blame and both of us have things to work on but this incident seems to have driven a wedge between us and a catalyst for her anger.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Talked to her some over the phone last night. Nothing special and I wasn't pushy at all. She still hasn't said when she may return and also said if we get a divorce she doesn't want anything. She won't come out and say if she wants a divorce and sorta shys away from it. 

I'm not sure if that's a good sign or not. She seems really down on herself and I want to help but not sure how. I don't want to irritate her or anything like that. God this is so hard and frustrating.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

It is not, it is only a sign that she needs time that's it. 

Read the love dare  and wait my friend. It is the only thing you can do if you love her. 

avoid pushing her because there is a breaking point remember


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

thanks and yeah I'm trying I trying so hard. I have good days then I have days where I just breakdown. One minute I question how she could just abandon everything like this (when she left she only packed clothes for a week) and then the next minute I realize she is just confused and weak herself right now. 

I will try that love dare book though.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

So I talked to my wife last night and it didn't go very well. I didn't mention the relationship or anything. Just called regarding a bill issue and just to chat. 

She started going in about how she felt it was over and that she can't get past a time 3 years ago when I said that I didn't want to go to counseling. Even though I want desperately for us to go now and before she left we had gone a few times (6 times for her and 3 as a couple) She was saying stuff like I should just try to hate her because it will be easier to let go. She also said stuff like she doesn't want anything but her clothes and she doesn't know when she will get those. Keep in mind when she went to be there for her sister she only packed for a week. 

I have talked to her sister a couple times and her sister is just as confused as to her actions. I'm just hurting so bad right now. After I got off the phone with her I balled like a baby. Here I am 35 years old literally lying in the floor crying. 

Anyway while I was talking to her I didn't breakdown...I did my best to stay strong. My voice may have broke a couple times but other than that I was ok. But she abruptly said can I call you back. I said sure. 

So after 10 minutes a mutual friend of ours shows up because she had called him. Long story short she had sent him by to check on me. We talked for a bit but I was just so lost I barely remember anything. she called during this time and we tried to talk again. She again went on about not trying to save anything etc. She then asked to speak to our friend so I put him on and she told him to watch over me and that her mind was made up. 

Guys.....I'm really hurting here. I'm going to fake an illness in a bit to leave work early because it's all I can do not to break down right now. I just feel like if she would come back and we could talk there would be a chance but with 700+ miles between us I just don't know. 

We have a house cats and a dog all of which she loves. Just for that reason I'm amazed and confused how she can literally just walk away from everything. God please help me out guys. I'm so lost. So lost.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

needmygirl,

Right now you are dealing with a lot of strong emotions within you. You can't see the light that you don't "need" her, but you don't need her to be happy for you. She can only complement your own happiness.

You need to get in control of your emotions and your environment and become a stronger man. That is the first step. You are doing well not to "talk" about the relationship. If you do -- it will push her away further. 

Turn to exercise, make sure you eat right and get sleep. I know it is difficult but you need to take care of yourself right now. She is testing you to see if you will "fight" for her. By that I mean become a stronger person. The bigger the test the more of a challenge to grow as a person.

You will get through this -- no matter the outcome -- that is what you must realize. The sooner you do that, the quicker you will get in control of yourself. I know it is painful right now -- believe me I know. But start with you.

Peace.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Thanks for the quick reply because I swear I'm about to cry right now at work. She said that she would call me later today...what should I do? I want to fight for her and be a stronger person etc but how would she see that I am being so far away? 

I know that I'm supposed to do it just for me but most of the times from what Ive read here the spouse is still in an area to see the changes in some capacity. I just want her to know. 

Also how should I handle the call later today? I don't know what to expect. I just want to make it right. I just want us to give counseling another shot. You can't really resolve anything in 3 sessions. 

I guess what I'm asking is do you guys still think there is hope?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

So if she doesn't know -- you won't do the work? You must lead -- and by that I mean do it. Gee, how did she just "check" up on you? The mutual friend.

He is now her eyes and ears -- so you must look at him as an extension of her. So you can't tell him "how much" I want her back, that I need her etc. because that will get back to her through him and any other "mutual" friends. So don't share with any mutual friend your despair or hurt.

You need to show strength. And that means being in control of yourself and your environment. Being a leader -- go to the therapist for you to improve. Stand up for your beliefs. Be compassionate to her. Listen when she speaks to you -- hear what she really means. And above all don't blame her for her issues -- that is an excuse. You must show the way for her.

I suggest the book Being a STrong Man a Woman Wants by Elliot Katz, also marriagebuilders.com.

Regarding today's phone call. Just sound confident and upbeat, be there for her -- if she wants to talk let her and listen. But you end the call -- don't "hang" on you end it. 

I know its hard, I'm just understanding a lot of this myself and has taken me a long time to get it. But I'm just dense some times. LOL.

Become the strong man.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I'm not sure if she will contact the mutual friend or not because she has become so withdrawn. It's somewhat uncharacteristic of her do to so. She hasn't mentioned divorce at all which I guess is a good thing. 

I just feel so empty right now. I try my best to do things like I normally would but I can't help but think of her in everything that I do.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

It is normal, you have just separated. 

Here are the 7 stages of grief:

* Denial (this isn't happening to me!)
* Anger (why is this happening to me?)
* Bargaining (I promise I'll be a better person if...)
* Depression (I don't care anymore)
* Acceptance (I'm ready for whatever comes)

All these can happen in a disorderly way, or you can feel one thing and then another in a matter of hours. 

Remember, this just happened. You have to give her time and space, she is REALLY hurt she is suffering and nothing you can do will make her feel better. Let her heal by herself, pleading, begging and crying will NOT help at all but make her feel guilty of your pain. People change their minds all the time, people that are hurt tend to say and do things in a different way that those who are at peace.

Refrain from contacting her often or at least not by the phone, you know that the call regarding a bill was just a pretext to hear her voice. They need to be at peace, if you need to contact her again please do so by email or text. This type of communication is less stressful, if we call them they feel forced to TALK to us and reply in a matter of seconds, if we send them an email or text they have the freedom to reply whenever they feel ready.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Ok her birthday is coming up on June 7th and I had started putting together her gift on January 1st. In short everyday I would write down a reason I loved her and would also draw a little cartoon illustrating it. 

She has no idea that I've been doing this and even through all of this I have kept it up. Now my question is should I give it to her? I was going to print it out etc but now I think I will just upload it to the web for her to view. Any thoughts?

And thanks for the advice and support everyone. I keep replaying stuff in my head like a couple months back (pre breakup) when she asked me to get a cell phone so that we could text. I have always hated cell phones and although I kinda wanted to get one to do that with her I just didn't. I guess I felt like I was trying to hold on to something or I just don't know. Its so silly but it is still one of things that hurt her. I kept looking at it as something she could playfully "ride me" about but instead it was the opposite. Anyway I'm rambling now. Any advice on the birthday gift is appreciated though.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hi... I read your story and I am so sorry. I can empathize in a few ways. First, I am Canadian and my husband is American. Second, we are separated. I am in Canada and he is home in the US now, 1400 miles away. He described the feeling of being home and separated as feeling lighter. 

Hang tough. I get what you're going through and it isn't easy. It sucks. The border SUCKS. The distance sucks. But in a way it's nice to know that in both our stories we were willing to overcome that, persevere, and take on things that most couples would never ever have to consider. Continue to be strong. You _will_ get through this.

(Sorry, I posted a much longer post there and re-read it and it was all about my marriage and really didn't help _you_ all that much... I really just wanted to say I get what you are going through and can relate and hope it gets easier.)


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

maplesky said:


> Hi... I read your story and I am so sorry. I can empathize in a few ways. First, I am Canadian and my husband is American. Second, we are separated. I am in Canada and he is home in the US now, 1400 miles away. He described the feeling of being home and separated as feeling lighter.
> 
> Hang tough. I get what you're going through and it isn't easy. It sucks. The border SUCKS. The distance sucks. But in a way it's nice to know that in both our stories we were willing to overcome that, persevere, and take on things that most couples would never ever have to consider. Continue to be strong. You _will_ get through this.
> 
> (Sorry, I posted a much longer post there and re-read it and it was all about my marriage and really didn't help _you_ all that much... I really just wanted to say I get what you are going through and can relate and hope it gets easier.)


I had read your story earlier today actually and so yeah I completely understand everything. I came home early from work today and just cried. I couldn't stop. I just kept crying. 

I just want my wife back so bad. But she says its too late.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Be strong and it's fine to cry. Tears are there for that, to let it all out and rest after. 

Do not hold it, cry all you want as loud as you want but by yourself. It's not good if she sees this side of you right now.

We all are with you, we all have been in that stage, and some still are. 

All I can say is what I wished somebody would've told me when I was like that. I UNDERSTAND and I feel your pain


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Thanks Stbxmaybe. I just hurt so effing much. God I'm so empty right now and still can't figure out why she wants to bail now because we were getting along etc. 

The last thing she said when she left for her trip was " Don't say bye...say see you later" she then smiled and said " don't worry I'll be back in a couple weeks. Love you and talk to you later tonight"

Then once she was up there for a couple weeks it all fell apart. I don't mean to keep rehashing it; I'm just trying to make sense of it. I don't know why she feels she has to walk away from me, our cats and dog, and our life together. 

Plus I've lost my best friend, my partner...my wife.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

I just read your whole story and posts after that. I am also going something similar to what you are going to. Things in my marriage were rocky at times but I know we had more good times than bad. Then H became distant and gave me the "talk." It has been over a month and I still can't accept it. I think I'm still in denial. 

I understand your pain and feel you when you say all you want to do is cry. Like you can't function no matter how busy you try to get. I can't seem to get past this stages. I want to feel better but I think of him and I break down. The pain is just to much but you have to be strong, that's what I tell my self each passing day. I have to find a reason to live each day and it is hard so now I am going to start counseling. Be strong and think positive. Easier said then done, but you have to try.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

PreludeCkN yeah I keep telling myself to be strong as well. I'm just trying to take it one day at a time. I was so distraught yesterday I left work early (I had to) and came home and just cried. I was so desperate to talk to someone I actually called a crisis hotline. 

If you guys knew me you would never believe I would do something like that, because I'm normally a very private and reserved person. It is so uncharacteristic of me to do something like that. 

I also talked to her some yesterday over the phone because she said she would call. She again was very distant and told me it was over and that I needed to find someone better. 

I called and talked to her sister again as well. Her sister is older than both of us and although my wife's family is rather large her sister is the only one she is close to and who seems to really care. 

Her sister said that she hopes things work out because she knows that despite our difficulties we are good for each other and she agrees that we should give it a shot. I'm not trying to manipulate her sister or anything like that I honestly just needed someone to talk to and who understands my wife. 

My parents are not level headed enough to talk to about this and I only have maybe 2 friends that I could talk to about this but they both have kids and stuff so its a bit hard. Plus as silly as it sounds I don't want to say anything negative about my wife to my friends. 

But currently she says she has no feelings toward me and that I need to move on and forget about her. It feels like such a cry for help to me but maybe I'm wrong or I'm simply not the person that can help. That is also part of the reason I contacted her sister is because I want her to have a positive base for support, because right now I can't be there for my baby. 

Wow this sucks. Currently the hardest thing for me is just not being able to be there for her. I also keep replaying all the dumb things I did or didn't do. Like I keep thinking if I would have given her the birthday presents I've been making for her on a daily basis until waiting until her birthday. I know I have to stop that but its just so hard. 

Also everyone else going through this you have my ear if you need to talk. Just talking about it does help. Granted its only a little but it is something.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

needmygirl,

OK, you talked to her. She said her peace about "not wanting to be together". Now you don't bring up the relationship again for a long time. Because bringing it up is a reminder -- right now your wife is on the same emotional rollercoaster. Decisions or statements made (for most people) during highly emotional times or just spur of the moment statements. So don't read into it too much.

You asked about hope. Well there won't be any hope unless you get in control of yourself and your environment. Start being a strong man. I understand wanting to "That is also part of the reason I contacted her sister is because I want her to have a positive base for support, because right now I can't be there for my baby", but that isn't your job right now.

She is an adult, she is "making a decisioin" and she must live with the consequences of her actions. Just like you as a strong man must live with the consequences of your actions. A strong man admits his mistakes, corrects them and then moves on. He doesn't dwell in his mistakes -- he moves on.

I say this from experience. I wasn't a strong man at the right times with my w. It took a lot for me to look into the mirror -- dig deep and figure out why I was doing things -- and then start changing. And change doesn't come overnight. I could sit here and say I wish I knew this then (which of course I do) but I can't live like that -- that is dwelling. All I can do and you can do is say hey I did it, I don't anymore and I'm not going to live in the past I'm going to live in the now and the future.

So get to work. Think about the things you did -- what she asked you to change and get to work on those things. I suggested a book "Being the STrong Man a Woman Wants" -- have you gotten it? Have you gone to marraigebuilders.com?

Get moving!

Peace.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Yes I looked over the marriagebuilders site a bit yesterday but not too much because yesterday was just a really bad day for me...maybe the worst so far. 

I will pick up the book your recommended (Strong Man a Woman Wants) this weekend. And again thanks for the help and support everyone. This is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I think what makes it especially hard is that I have to go through it without the most important person in my life.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I have been reading a lot on the marriagebuilders site and so much of it makes sense. Thanks for the advice and I am still going to pick up a few of the books recommended this weekend. 

One question though, is it too early to start the Love Dare?

I know that it teaches to love unconditionally but I also don't want to overstep my bounds with her right now (or ever for that matter).


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Love Dare really isn't appropriate in your circumstances.

You have yet to grasp the core concept of what starts to make this whole thing 'better'. You are focused on _her_, and implementing changes in _her_. That can't work. It won't work. It actually makes everything worse.

For her birthday? No. Do not give her the gift you have been working on. I'm assuming you want that particular gift to have some meaning for her and for you. It won't. Not now.

If you consistently rely on what _she_ is or is not doing to change your state of mind - you are giving up far too much of yourself. You need to take responsibility, for yourself and your feelings.

Yes, feel the pain and the sadness, but do something for yourself as a result of it other than wallowing. Wallowing is usually what we do best, and it accomplishes absolutely nothing. Feel it and move on. Go for a walk. Go work out. See friends. See a movie.

The moment you begin to recognize that the success and degree of happiness in your life is up to you and the decisions you make, and is not dependent upon her, you have started on the road that makes reconciliation possible. 

Trying to carpet bomb her with constantly reaching out, pledging love, support, and fear of losing her, will only succeed in hardening her resolve to end the relationship.


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## PreludeCkN (Jan 21, 2010)

You have to keep busy because the more alone you are the worst you feel. I have figured that when I am alone and I have no one to talk to or distract me is when I feel the lowest because all I do is think of him or what he might be doing and it just drives me mad. The days I do have interaction with others I tend to feel somewhat better. Yet I don't have the confidence to go out and hang out because it feels so hard to have fun without the one you were used to having fun. 
I too talked to my H last night and it went well since the last time we talked. Not in the sense that he gave me hope, he still says "as if right now there is no chance." We talked more about our situation and I hope it puts things in perspective for him. 

It is also true that we need to give them plenty of time and space so that they might also digest everything that is going on and let them think and ponder about the decision that they have made. I find this very difficult to do because I am tormented with many "if's", "but's" and questions. All while my H says he feels more at peace and better without me. I have started to go to therapy and I hope this helps me cope.

I hope you may do the same or seek professional help, calling the crisis center was a good step for you since you say that you are very reserved, but you need to talk to someone to release all these feeling that you have. Give her time and you need to heal from this pain and like everyone else says here, perhaps she might see you in another light. At least that is what I am hoping no matter the outcome. 

We must be strong, because at the end of the tunnel there is light.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Thanks again everyone. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with and it's broken my heart. I'm a web designer by day and illustrator by night. Point being I went to a figure drawing session last night and plan on going to another tonight. I had discovered the classes a few months ago and with my wife's support I started going in efforts to improve as an artist etc. 

I, of course, couldn't help but think of her a few times when going but at least once I was there my mind was off of it...well a little bit...but a little bit is better than nothing right?

I understand that I have to be a strong man and again I'm going to books-a-million this weekend to pick up the book recommendations except for the Love Dare, which I'm holding off on right now. 

It's just so crazy because everything that I have to do is the exact opposite of what I feel I should do. lol. I guess it goes to show just how dense I really am. 

Anyway I will keep you posted and again thanks for the support. Like I said although I have a few good friends, I have found myself drifting from them (way before this by the way) so as silly as it sounds I almost don't feel right discussing it all with them. 

Before all this happened the wife and I were wanting to move the Canada and give that a shot for a while. We were both thinking that a change could really help us. Granted there was the obstacles of finding work there, a place to live, and of course selling our home here but regardless it was something we were wanting to do. 

Anyway starting to ramble again. Sorry.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Needmygirl,

A heads up on Books a million. They don't carry the Being a Strong Man book in stock -- they actually don't carry many of the books you need to read. Try Barnes and Noble.

Just remember -- you can do this and you will get through this no matter the outcome. If you do the work needed -- you will be happy for yourself and that is the most important thing.

Just think about this -- Many people ask two questions in life (1) Who am I and where am I going? and (2) Who will go with me? Most ask the second question first. That isn't good. You need to answer the first one -- then the answer the second question will fall into place on its own. 

Right now you are dwelling on the second one. Get to work on yourself -- that will bring you happiness. Yes you will be sad, but as Deejo said -- don't wallow -- get moving forward.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Thanks for the heads up about Books-a-million. Looks like I will be heading to Barnes & Noble instead. Thanks again.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Well she called me tonight to say that she still wants a divorce and wants to move forward with it. 


I'm so hurt and confused. She keeps going back to the time that I didn't want to go to counseling 5 years ago..even though I saw the error and have gone since then. I don't know what to do. help


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I should also add that I'm in NC and NC state law says that we must be separated for a year before filing for divorce. We have been apart 5 weeks (this week will be 6) and she mentioned separation 3 (going on 4) weeks ago. 

She said that we should just lie about it and say that we have been apart for a year because she doesn't want to drag it out. The only reason she called was to start talking about how we would divide things out etc. I'm at a complete loss. This isn't like her. I just so lost.


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## maplesky (May 14, 2010)

Hang in there. I know how it feels. I also feel helpless and the only thing left for me to do is try to work on me and pray. If that is at all possible for you, I encourage you to do it as well. Easier said than done, I know. Hang tough and keep posting.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Her 'urgency' smacks of someone else being in the picture. I'm not stating that to simply stir the pot.

There isn't much point in asking her, because she won't tell you the truth. 
It is also simply possible that given the issues and turbulence you have had - she wants to cash out and get a clean start.

If you have not already - you really need to think about being proactive. If you still have joint banking, it should be separated.

You SHOULD talk to an attorney. Given that she is in another country, I have no idea what impact that would have on the process. It is possible that given she is no longer in the U.S. that they would grant a divorce by virtue of abdication. On the other hand, it sounds like the steps toward a divorce lie squarely on your shoulders - because she's in Canada. So if you want to hold off, you can.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I do I do I do. I want to prolong this as much as possible. I don't understand what is wrong. She has never been like this before. It's unlike her. 

When all this first started I had called her sister, not to manipulate her but I wanted to ask her sister to be there for her. I was honestly just concerned because her parents (where she is staying) are very hands off about everything. I don't think they care one way or the other about any of their kids domestic issues. 

Anyway her sister is older and has sort of taken the role of mother for my wife. My wife was scaring me a bit with this decision etc because she has been not acting like herself.

So I talked to her sister and she said that she had already tried to talk to my wife but she was very distant. Her sister said she knows how much I love her and understands although things have not been perfect there has been more good than bad and I was taking the right steps, such as going to counseling instead of denouncing it. 

But she also said that she has had to watch my wife make really bad mistakes before and there wasn't anything she could to do to reason with her.  

I know I haven't been perfect and I still have much to learn. Such as instead of doing things for her, making her a bubble bath, cooking dinner etc I should have been more affectionate...stuff like that because after reading I believe my wife values affection more than doing little things like that. I just hate to throw away everything like this and more so I still love her so very much. 

My wife also said that saw I was too weak still (I didn't break down but I was close over the phone) so I probably needed a couple more weeks before making arrangements. Again acting this way is so very uncharacteristic of her. 

The only other thing that I can possibly think of is like I said she is a musician and she sings on the Internet and makes money doing it. I think this is awesome and supported her doing it. But she also started spending more and more time on there. Instead of just logging on to sing she also "hangs out' there. This had become a bit of an issue but before she left she has started spending less time on there and had started jogging again etc. 

Anyway point is the community she is on is Second Life. I don't know a tremendous amount about it but it's like the Sims on steroids. I don't know. I just don't know what is going on anymore.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

needmygirl,

Listen to Deejo. As he said his remark isn't meant to stir the pot -- but to make you aware of the possibility based on her actions. 

And don't lie about the time apart. Too bad for her she will have to wait the allotted time period. I'm nearing the end of my 1 year apart. Yes I too am in NC.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Yeah I understand. You know thinking back its weird. She has been cheated ON before, and she always said how bad it hurt her. She also said that if I didn't love her anymore and wanted to cheat to break up first. Not that it was an issue with me (the closest I have ever been to cheating is having a list of celebs I have a crush on...all in jest of course..Sean Connery is my list for crying out loud..lol) but looking back on it now I am starting to wonder. 

I just know that if she is that it would be online via that online community she is a part of. Which is really screwed up in my book because...it's not real...I mean its ....


Again..I just don't know anymore. God my head is swimming. I can't concentrate or focus or anything. 

Thanks for the support though everyone it does help in some strange way. I guess because I feel so alone and unimportant right now. 

I'm sorry you are going through this as well. Even after the official year...she is still leaning that way? Again I'm so sorry my friend.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Yes she is needmygirl. I will be divorced in 2 months I can almost guarantee it. 

Just keep working on you. Did you get the book Being a STrong Man?


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I'm sorry. 

No not yet i picked up the "His needs, Her needs" book first. 

I'm still amazed at how she just wants to dump everything. Everything we have built and worked for. She said that she just wants to figure out the automobile situation and get her clothes and jewelry. That's it! 

She also mentioned that she would split our pets if I wanted. This is totally screwed up to me because she loves (or at least I thought she did) our pets so much. They were our kids. We used to volunteer at the Humane Society and that is where we got almost all our pets. Now she says this?

I asked her what she is going to do because here she only makes a little money singing online (it served as her spending money here)
She said she would just say with her parents in the basement then maybe try and get a part time job and an apartment. Wow....just wow. 

Here we have a nice home (mortgage not rental) garage etc. We have three vehicles...2 of which are paid for. I just don't get it. This doesn't make sense.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Needmygirl,

It doesn't make sense because you are trying to use logic. When it comes to emotions -- throw logic out the window. That is why we tell you to work on yourself. Because thinking about it logically it never makes sense. But working on yourself is logical.

Again you need to detach some. You don't "need" her to survive. You did before without her and you can again. In the end I can't promise you that if you work on yourself you will get the outcome you desire right now -- reconciliation. But I can guarantee that if you don't work on yourself it won't happen. While working on yourself you might even realize that she wasn't the "cat's meow" you thought she was and do right now. 

So get to work on you. That's all you can do.


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

I'm sorry to keep rambling but I just don't understand her mindset. It's getting worse and worse. 3 weeks ago when she first said she wanted to separate she suggested we make a list of reasons to stay together and another list of why we should break. I asked her to just take a little time and that we needed to start counseling again ASAP. Because if she wanted to make lists then she had reasons to stay...and that alone was enough to try counseling again...especially since we only went 3 TIMES! 

But now she doesn't want any part of that. Now she says the decision is made and so on. 

What is going on?


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## needmygirl (May 13, 2010)

Feelingalone said:


> Needmygirl,
> 
> It doesn't make sense because you are trying to use logic. When it comes to emotions -- throw logic out the window. That is why we tell you to work on yourself. Because thinking about it logically it never makes sense. But working on yourself is logical.
> 
> ...


I know I know and I'm trying..I really am. Just last night after that call after hearing how much more hard and formal she is being....just took me down a few pegs. I have the wind knocked out of me again.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Needmygirl,

You can't make her do anything. So don't try or think about it -- its just a waste of time. You just got to step up and make yourself happy. That's all you can do. Who do you want to be and where are you going? Once you figure that out, then you can tackle who will go with me? Right now you are fixated on the later. You need to start with the first question.


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## Anna11 (May 26, 2010)

i feel for you, i was in the same situation more than 2 yrs ago and he came after 2 yrs and now gone again ....i'm done with him i am moving on with my life and my kids


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## damiana879 (Aug 26, 2011)

It sounds to me like she is scared too. I know that something like what happened to her is a life changing experience and if you don't let go of your animosity toward things, you find that you REALLY just want it out of your life. She needs to realize that what happened with her blood clot was NOT your fault. 

As sad as it is, and as much as you want to just go grab that person and hold onto them and ask them why they're doing what they're doing, you have to let them make the decision. You know what you want to do, you want to be with her, but if the feeling is not mutual for WHATEVER reason, you have no choice but to accept that. You can't force someone to be with you who may not want to..and that's not to say she doesn't love you, it sounds like she does, but I think she's confused and scared now too, what happened to her scared her and it put her into a loop...I'm sure you are letting her know all that you can that you are supportive and willing to help her in any way you can, but sometimes people get scared to withdraw and change...you said she went from being not sure about how many kids she wanted to not wanting kids at all, and that's a drastic change for anyone to make. I would look at the possibility of the PTSD being a culprit in why she's reacting a lot of the way she is...I have heard that PTSD can change someone a LOT...

Good luck, hon, it sounds like you REALLY love your wife, and if it doesn't work out, it hurts...but we have to pick ourselves up and attempt to move on...


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