# Another sex life stopping after wedding rings.



## MAEPT10 (Oct 19, 2011)

I just read yet another post about a man who says his wife has slowed down in the sex department since they have been married. The usuall advice followed. ie: try to communicate with her, romance her more, pay attention to her needs, do some things around the house, man-up and make yourself into the guy she can't resist. I know we are only dealing with the man in the site but the part that bothers me is the continuous thought that the man has to do all this stuff to make himself sexually appealing to his wife while the wife can reject whenever and possibly even do some woman-up for herself. Obviously th husband wants to have sex with his wife but how do we know that the wife could use some goin to the gym or wearing better clothes or actually doing things around the house too? Sure the man may have stopped being romantic after the wedding but is it ridiculous to think that the woman got what she wanted (a nice wedding) and a ring on her finger and has stopped being the physical prowess that she used to be becaused she figures "why should I? He loves me". 

I don't see many posts from ladies that were in this situation and then their man "manned-up" and dressed better an did more things around the house to help her and payed attention to her more and then they cranked up the sex life cause it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You are absolutely right. But being absolutely right will not get you a better sexual relationship with your wife.

This advice is geared to changing the relationship dynamic, since you cannot force your wife to want to have sex with you. You can only change the conditions of your relationship, and hope that your wife will see that the marriage is worth saving.

A wife who takes her husband's needs for granted has no motivation to change. She has to feel that she has something to lose. She cannot believe that her husband will tolerate this treatment, and will stay no matter how badly she treats him.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

If it makes you feel better, I got told the same thing about my LD husband. Meet their needs, do more, fix yourself, etc, etc. Luckily, it is working for me, and meeting his WOA need it getting me somewhere.


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

It seems the onus is always on the refused spouse to try to change, with no guarantee of any result at the end of the tunnel. I've seen it said that you should change these things for yourself first and not just to"get" sex, but given the fact that we're refused it's always going to be a motivator somewhere.

I've wondered if there's something I should be doing differently to make myself more appealing to my husband-- dressing differently maybe? I don't want to obsess about my appearance. I've stayed thin but I do prefer comfortable clothes.

But I've asked myself "what's wrong with me" so many times that it damages your mental well being at a certain point. Barring extreme circumstances, it's not really fair that we should be expected to change beyond what would be considered reasonable or fair.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

While there is lots of advice on the "checklist" of possible causes and solutions I don't agree with, and some may be counterproductive, the fact is some marriages can be improved by changing things up. The other thing to keep in mind is that "Plan B" is not so great either. Namely if you have eliminated every explanation you can think of, your options are pretty bleak. Accept a sexless marriage or divorce.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

I think that is a completely valid point. Yes guys shouldn't stop.dating and taking care of their women's needs but I'm a firm believer its a two way street. I can't remember the last time my wife put in an effort to make a date with me. Guys need dating too and not just sex. We don't need the romance as much but we do need our partners to show us they are thinking of us too. I'll take a set of flowers and a cross eyed romp! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mae 
You said something interesting here- 

*"Sure the man may have stopped being romantic after the wedding but is it ridiculous to think that the woman got what she wanted (a nice wedding) and a ring on her finger and has stopped being the physical prowess that she used to be becaused she figures "why should I? He loves me". *

This seems to be a common feeling of many men. The wedding and the romance are superfluous and not as important as sex. Why do you feel that way? 

Suppose I told you that women dream of their wedding from a very young age. They like to be romanced. In fact for many women romance is on par with sex. Do you think that is ridiculous? 

If you can't accept on faith that a wedding and romance are important to many women and adjust your relationship to include those aspects then why do you expect your partner to accept on faith the significance of sex for you? You expect what you cannot give. 

If you think what I am saying is blaming men, then please don't consider it. You may not understand it but if it is important to your partner then why not accept it? 

The need for romance is a major attribute of being female and many woman crave it. You knew that when you pursued your wife and that is why you were romantic. If you now think it is ridiculous then you both pulled a bait and switch 

Women are derided for being silly romantics and men are derided for being sex maniacs. 

From your position, which is right?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I think it's rude to turn off sex after marriage....of course, medically issues are exempt from my judgment 

No one signs the marriage license for a celibate life. I find it one of the worst things a man or woman can do. Shame on them. I dont' condone cheating. i find it despicable. But if you hold sex from your husband or wife, you can't be all that surprised that they went somewhere else. Holy crap. Wake up, people!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Women are derided for being silly romantics and men are derided for being sex maniacs.
> 
> From your position, which is right?


I'm a romantic nympho


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I think it's rude to turn off sex after marriage....of course, medically issues are exempt from my judgment
> 
> No one signs the marriage license for a celibate life. I find it one of the worst things a man or woman can do. Shame on them. I dont' condone cheating. i find it despicable. But if you hold sex from your husband or wife, you can't be all that surprised that they went somewhere else. Holy crap. Wake up, people!


Agreed! I will be ashamed of myself if I take that route but I also know that I've been patient, understanding and willing to do my part. I can only do so much and I'm a human being with.unmet needs. It will be a very sad day for me if my soldier salutes anyone else. It's totally not what I want to happen EVER. I do love the one I'm with, I just wished she loved to be with me as much as I love being with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I'm a romantic nympho


That's perfect! I'd like to think I'm "that guy" if given the opportunity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> That's perfect! I'd like to think I'm "that guy" if given the opportunity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My "that guy" is amazing :smthumbup: Simply amazing. and Sexy as hell!!!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

that_girl said:


> I'm a romantic nympho


That is the best combination ever. 

I am a reformed good girl. Love to do naughty things with my husband. The older I get the freer I am. I figure when I am an old lady in a nursing home living on my memories, I am not going to dream about the times I said "I'm not doing that, it's nasty". I will remember all of the nasty things I did do and die with a smile. 

We women should think of that when we need to fight that good girl inside and let the sex crazed nympho out. Men have it right when they say what's the big deal, you only live once. 

Ladies, hit that bad boy up hard every now and then and keep his pipes clear. :woohoo:

I think you are rubbing off on me TG


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The whole "nice girls" thing is a sham. Just a way to control the masses so there wasn't a lot of unwanted pregnancies since birthcontrol didn't exist or wasn't readily available.

Sex is enjoyable for both partners. Doing sexual things with someone you love is not dirty. It's honoring their bodies through physical love. Pleasing my husband is not nasty or dirty. not even when I have my hands and mouth in places that are considered dirty


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

@C/TG, that's exactly what I'm taking about. A guy who has that kind of woman deposits into the sex account is going to try his @ss off in return and be there for you when you need to make a withdrawal from him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Oh I don't look at it as a barter system. I make love to my husband because I love him. I would do it if he didn't give me things. I guess it does help our emotional connection which lubes the sex life  No pun lolll

It's just a mutual symbiotic relationship. It's just Love.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

I look at it this way. Scooby got fed no matter what, but when he did something special, he got a Scooby snack. That's all I'm sayin'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

What you need to do is make sure you wife knows you are going to walk if she does not change,that has been the constant from all the sexless married threads I have read. You have done your part and change but she is not willing so you can either except whet she is giving you or pack up after filing the paper and leave.There are other women other there looking for what you want.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Mae
> You said something interesting here-
> 
> *"Sure the man may have stopped being romantic after the wedding but is it ridiculous to think that the woman got what she wanted (a nice wedding) and a ring on her finger and has stopped being the physical prowess that she used to be becaused she figures "why should I? He loves me". *
> ...


the thing I see is that men are supost to keep romancing after the wedding but shouldn't the women still have some responsiblity to keep up what they were doing before marriage, things like dressing nice and showing some desire sex acts that she did before marriage etc etc.

but it seem like they get a free pass to get comfortable (wearing sweats and not making her self sexy anymore).and let things slide and the man is still supost to keep up all stuff for them.

its a two way streeet you got to give to get the wife shouldn't get the free pass . equality is the goal.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

dubbizle said:


> What you need to do is make sure you wife knows you are going to walk if she does not change,that has been the constant from all the sexless married threads I have read. You have done your part and change but she is not willing so you can either except whet she is giving you or pack up after filing the paper and leave.There are other women other there looking for what you want.


That is where I differ on the view of many. If I have tried everything else and it hasn't worked, and I am at the point of saying and truly meaning, "Have sex with me or I leave!" it's too late. I don't care what her answer is. If our understanding of marriage, love and sex is so far apart then maybe we shouldn't be married.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

isla~mama said:


> It seems the onus is always on the refused spouse to try to change, with no guarantee of any result at the end of the tunnel. I've seen it said that you should change these things for yourself first and not just to"get" sex, but given the fact that we're refused it's always going to be a motivator somewhere.
> 
> I've wondered if there's something I should be doing differently to make myself more appealing to my husband-- dressing differently maybe? I don't want to obsess about my appearance. I've stayed thin but I do prefer comfortable clothes.
> 
> But I've asked myself "what's wrong with me" so many times that it damages your mental well being at a certain point. Barring extreme circumstances, it's not really fair that we should be expected to change beyond what would be considered reasonable or fair.


I have been there, done that. The stress of obesessing over what I did wrong, what I wasn't doing right, and in the end I learned a LOT about men, myself, and what made me happy. So not a loss after all. It did make me examine my own sex appeal. A necessary, I think. 

And I had to keep reminding myself that I was the one posting here, so all anyone could do was help ME. And all I could do was control what I was doing. eliminate the me factor.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Lionelhutz said:


> That is where I differ on the view of many. If I have tried everything else and it hasn't worked, and I am at the point of saying and truly meaning, "Have sex with me or I leave!" it's too late. I don't care what her answer is. If our understanding of marriage, love and sex is so far apart then maybe we shouldn't be married.


I agree with you. Although my timeline is much shorter. One year, not several. No kids together though. But at that point, yes I also feel it was equivalent to saying we are done.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> the thing I see is that men are supost to keep romancing after the wedding but shouldn't the women still have some responsiblity to keep up what they were doing before marriage, things like dressing nice and showing some desire sex acts that she did before marriage etc etc.
> 
> but it seem like they get a free pass to get comfortable (wearing sweats and not making her self sexy anymore).and let things slide and the man is still supost to keep up all stuff for them.
> 
> its a two way streeet you got to give to get the wife shouldn't get the free pass . equality is the goal.


I see a difference in the two way street.
If it doesn't affect the man's desire... it is NOT an issue. If he still thinks she looks hot in sweats, it can't be put on the table as tit for tat.

However, if your wife happens to be a person that needs to feel trust, emotional connection, and feels used for sex, then your behavior changes have affected the dynamic of the relationship. And so do you not have a responsibility to uphold it, and make an effort?

My other comment is about the men leading in the relationship. You really should take the initiative and lead as the person who is acting confident, taking care of themselves, and be the example you want your wife to follow. Getting married doesn't mean men get a free pass either. They are still the men.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

deejov said:


> I agree with you. Although my timeline is much shorter. One year, not several. No kids together though. But at that point, yes I also feel it was equivalent to saying we are done.


I know for me, I'm a very loyal person. I haven't dropped the bomb yet. Its coming if and when its needed. The thought of being emotionally or physically with another woman still turns my stomach. I'm not truly ready to pull the trigger on my threat to cheat/leave yet, but she doesn't need to know exactly where I am today. If things don't change, its in the future for our marriage so I'm not lying. My wife has told me if I'm unhappy to leave, trying to dodge the issue. My response is that I don't want to leave and then I settle for the issue to remain. I feel bad for being a sex fiend and for pressuring her instead of dealing with the pressure being put on me to be lie naked next to a woman I want to ravage but the amusement park is CLOSED. I've done the bending instead of standing my ground, standing up for my needs and calling the bluff. I know she doesn't want me to leave but she wants to be reassured without having to deal with the issue. That game is over for me. I want a new game where my needs are considered and not trampled on or dismissed, where the rules are equal and fair.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Phantom,
I no longer take it that personally. 
No one is likely to step up and knock on the door if you have closed it. I always leave the door open. Out of respect, and caring.

It's easier to think that they do have a problem, but you dont have the tools to fix it. You should give yourself credit for what you have tried to do, IMO if you cannot imagine yourself with another woman, you are not done yet. You still have an emotional connection to your wife that isn't broken. 

I also think there is some stubborness to this. 
For example, I might mention something to my husband.... do this a certain way. He will automatically not do it that way. He hates that I am "right" or "smarter". He can hear the same thing from an uncle (another dude really) and he thinks it's the best idea ever. 

Forgive me if you have already done this, but how would she react if you went to counselling and a "professional" told her that a sexless marriage isn't a relationship ?


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I'm a romantic nympho


 that_girl I think you're just a nympho, period. :smthumbup:


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## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> I think that is a completely valid point. Yes guys shouldn't stop.dating and taking care of their women's needs but I'm a firm believer its a two way street. I can't remember the last time my wife put in an effort to make a date with me. Guys need dating too and not just sex. We don't need the romance as much but we do need our partners to show us they are thinking of us too. I'll take a set of flowers and a cross eyed romp! ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 phantomfan, you make a valid point. My husband is always the one making suggestions to go out. It's definitely my turn. We are both off tomorrow and I'm going to plan a whole day of fun for us. Thanks.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

deejov said:


> Phantom,
> I no longer take it that personally.
> No one is likely to step up and knock on the door if you have closed it. I always leave the door open. Out of respect, and caring.
> 
> ...


Agreed. I know I do the same thing. We want to be right and the spouse to be wrong. Its one big pissing contest and everyone has a lot to lose, so no one stops the bull. That's why i do believe in the MC approach and its not something that's been tried yet at least for couples therapy. Therapists are a crap shoot. The one time we went to one (that I was seeing) was a disaster. She thought he was a pig for suggesting some traditional woman like ideas like being more available in bed, etc. So...sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. The MC is on the agenda before I do anything truly rash. 

I'm hoping scared straight does the trick without intervention by professional. I'd rather keep the money and spend it on a reconnecting vaca for two.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> Agreed! I will be ashamed of myself if I take that route but I also know that I've been patient, understanding and willing to do my part. I can only do so much and I'm a human being with.unmet needs. It will be a very sad day for me if my soldier salutes anyone else. It's totally not what I want to happen EVER. I do love the one I'm with, I just wished she loved to be with me as much as I love being with her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


10 years ago, while in a LTR that I should have been focusing on ending for many reasons, I met someone else. It took him two years of pursuit to wear me down, but I finally started cheating with him. It was something I never thought I'd do, but it was surprisingly easy once I started. That's what I want to avoid THIS time.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

phantomfan said:


> I know for me, I'm a very loyal person. I haven't dropped the bomb yet. Its coming if and when its needed. The thought of being emotionally or physically with another woman still turns my stomach. I'm not truly ready to pull the trigger on my threat to cheat/leave yet, but she doesn't need to know exactly where I am today. If things don't change, its in the future for our marriage so I'm not lying. My wife has told me if I'm unhappy to leave, trying to dodge the issue. *My response is that I don't want to leave and then I settle for the issue to remain. I feel bad for being a sex fiend and for pressuring her instead of dealing with the pressure being put on me to be lie naked next to a woman I want to ravage but the amusement park is CLOSED. * I've done the bending instead of standing my ground, standing up for my needs and calling the bluff. I know she doesn't want me to leave but she wants to be reassured without having to deal with the issue. That game is over for me. I want a new game where my needs are considered and not trampled on or dismissed, where the rules are equal and fair.


You really need to look at the damage your wife has done to you. She has you feeling bad because you want to have sex with your wife. You think it is wrong. Her response when you raise the issue is that she would prefer to divorce you then have sex with you. And your response is to stay and feel bad for pressuring her!?! 

If you want to stick around because of children or some other reason, it is your life, but at a minimum, start looking out for yourself. She clearly has not interest in that, so do stuff you want to do and quit worrying about her.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

MAEPT10 said:


> I just read yet another post about a man who says his wife has slowed down in the sex department since they have been married. The usuall advice followed. ie: try to communicate with her, romance her more, pay attention to her needs, do some things around the house, man-up and make yourself into the guy she can't resist. I know we are only dealing with the man in the site but the part that bothers me is the continuous thought that the man has to do all this stuff to make himself sexually appealing to his wife while the wife can reject whenever and possibly even do some woman-up for herself. Obviously th husband wants to have sex with his wife but how do we know that the wife could use some goin to the gym or wearing better clothes or actually doing things around the house too? Sure the man may have stopped being romantic after the wedding but is it ridiculous to think that the woman got what she wanted (a nice wedding) and a ring on her finger and has stopped being the physical prowess that she used to be becaused she figures "why should I? He loves me".
> 
> I don't see many posts from ladies that were in this situation and then their man "manned-up" and dressed better an did more things around the house to help her and payed attention to her more and then they cranked up the sex life cause it works.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have a number of male posters who have 'manned up' and have noted the improvement in their sex lives. Yah! 

There do seem to be a number of women who have posted who would like their man to 'man up', but haven't been able to motivate them to do so. They are in various stages of trying to 'woman up' and take control of their lives and the desired outcome they would like in their marriage.

It's pretty easy for a viewpoint to get skewed here because we only see one side of the situation, forgetting that relationships are complex interactions between two people.

I think that dating is a mirage - it's the time when people purposefully try and put on their best face and put their best foot forward - typically never intending to maintain that level of diligence going forward. It happens to both men and women all the time. The life you had as a singleton dating is distinctly different than one as a married couple. It's up to both to work to keep things up.

But, as I was reminded this week at work during a training session - you have to take 100% responsibility for the outcome that you desire. Anything else - blameshifting, justifying your behaviour, excuses - are disabling behaviours and don't get you to the outcome you desire.

That's pretty much what the essence of manning up or womanning up is. Take responsibility for the outcome that you desire. That is hard to do at times - it is much easier to blame the other person - but taking ownership of what you want out of your life and your relationship is the only way that you will ever have success and satisfaction in your life and marriage.

Best wishes.


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## Cupcake37 (Nov 19, 2011)

I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. I too don't understand why people get married and then sex stops...why bother getting married? It's completely unfair on the other partner. 

My husband isn't interested in sex with me and I have seriously considered leaving him, but have two small children and really don't think this is a viable option at this moment at time. I am 37, take good care of myself, take pride in my appearance but still nothing. I feel like screaming at him, I don't know want is wrong with him! He is not intersted in sex and therefore I am not having any! I have now given up all hope of a sex life with him, after many years of trying, and have now found somebody else to fill the void in my life. I am the last person you would ever think would cheat, people would be shocked if they ever found out. I am not proud of what I am doing and would much rather have sex with my husband than somebody else, but I am fed up of feeling lonely, rejected and ugly at 37! I feel as if I have missed out on so much in my life and realise that I am never going to change him. As far as I am concerned now it's his own fault, he has had plenty of opportunity to do something about, I have been more than patient and I finally feel desired and wanted by soembody.

I hope things work out for you and you can improve your sex life. Is your wife aware of how unhappy you are with things?
Take care XX


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## isla~mama (Feb 1, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> but it seem like they get a free pass to get comfortable (wearing sweats and not making her self sexy anymore).and let things slide and the man is still supost to keep up all stuff for them.
> 
> its a two way streeet you got to give to get the wife shouldn't get the free pass . equality is the goal.


This can be a vicious cycle. The guy ignores his wife even when she put her best foot forward in terms of appearance, so she starts to have a diminished self image which is then reflected in a lesser upkeep of herself.

I've tried both ways-- dressing very sexy-- to the point of being borderline inappropriate (I once went to his office wearing a top that was barely there) -- but it all fell on blind eyes. Gradually, over our marriage, I've begun dressing more and more conservatively until pretty much everything was covered up. Showing my shoulders is a big deal these days.


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## CWM0842 (Dec 8, 2011)

In my situation my wife basically put up a mirage during dating and I feel I presented my true self. Nothing about me or how I approach things has changed. I dress the same, act the same, do the same things, say the same things. I continued the romance long after she quit sex and nothing came of it. I definitely feel like I have fallen victim to a bait and switch.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> the thing I see is that men are supost to keep romancing after the wedding but shouldn't the women still have some responsiblity to keep up what they were doing before marriage, things like dressing nice and showing some desire sex acts that she did before marriage etc etc.
> 
> but it seem like they get a free pass to get comfortable (wearing sweats and not making her self sexy anymore).and let things slide and the man is still supost to keep up all stuff for them.
> 
> its a two way streeet you got to give to get the wife shouldn't get the free pass . equality is the goal.


Yes Chilly that's my point. Women don't have to understand the emotional and physical complexity of sex for men but just to know and accept that it is the way it is. I know intellectually by reading books and post by men but honestly I can't understand. 

That is because I have never felt the driving need for sex and an emotional disconnect if i dont have sex with my husband. There a lot of women like me, many who are not. But I dont have to understand, I just know he feels that way and I don't want him to be miserable. Some woman may not understand how their husbands feel about sex because it is so far out of their experience. If they know that their husbands are unhappy they need to put the effort in to make him happy. 

I know that men don't understand a woman's need for romance and non-sexual attention but if it makes her happy make an effort. I don't think men or women can expect their partner to do what they cannot manage. If a man thinks his wife's need to be touched non-sexually is unimportant because it is not important to him, then he has to accept that she may take the same privilege in her dismissal of his sexual needs. He can't sit her down and talk about his needs, if he thinks her needs are frivolous or jumping through hoops because they are not about sex. 

I am often guilty of thinking that the way I feel is universal. I have to constantly remind myself that others feel differently and they are right too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

"I think that dating is a mirage - it's the time when people purposefully try and put on their best face and put their best foot forward" 


I snorted Mac -N-Cheese out my nostril on my first date with dh, so I think that whole mirage thing circled the drain very quickly. Needless to say I don't make it for dinner too often.

Surprised there was a second date. Maybe my talent impressed him.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

I just became a member to respond to a few posts like this, due to my own personal experience.

I was taking birth control pills for several years, and it very much affected my sex drive and caused me a "mild form of depression". I ddidn't care about sex, my appearance, or my husbands happiness. I avoided all physical contact that would lead him to believe I was interested in sex. Yes it was bad.

I understand the pill does not effect everyone the same way,but this was my experience.

After deciding to stop taking the pill, my sex drive returned full tilt and then some at the age of 35.

Had I not stopped taking the pill for other reasons, my marraige may be over now, or at least still semi-sexless (maybe once a month of awful sex before, I would barely participate even though my husband would be sure to bring me to orgasm before himself each time) He has always been attentive and supporting. We have two kids.

Now several years (and hubby vasectomy) later, intercourse 3x during week plus both night and mornings on weekends is average with it being great, emotionally connected, passionate sex. I can't believe the difference in both of our happiness, and feel sad about the years we "missed" due to the pill.

I am hoping my experience may help someone else. If your wife is taking pills or any other hormonal birth control, maybe trying another from of birth control for awhile may help.

Best wishes, hope this helps someone.


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## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

CandieGirl said:


> 10 years ago, while in a LTR that I should have been focusing on ending for many reasons, I met someone else. It took him two years of pursuit to wear me down, but I finally started cheating with him. It was something I never thought I'd do, but it was surprisingly easy once I started. That's what I want to avoid THIS time.


Ah yes, that's my fear too. I've said it before. A starving man is gonna eat if someone throws him a steak. I want the damn cut of prime rib I shopped around and paid for but we all know how that's working out currently for the majority of us.


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> That is because I have never felt the driving need for sex and an emotional disconnect if i dont have sex with my husband. There a lot of women like me, many who are not. But I dont have to understand, I just know he feels that way and I don't want him to be miserable. Some woman may not understand how their husbands feel about sex because it is so far out of their experience. If they know that their husbands are unhappy they need to put the effort in to make him happy.


The evidence seems to suggest that in a great many marriages BOTH partners don't see that their spouse's happiness is a concern, never mind a priority.

I don't recall the line "Your partner's happiness is not your responsibility" being written anywhere, but there ain't half a lot of people who have adopted it as a policy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

reset button said:


> I just became a member to respond to a few posts like this, due to my own personal experience.
> 
> I was taking birth control pills for several years, and it very much affected my sex drive and caused me a "mild form of depression". I ddidn't care about sex, my appearance, or my husbands happiness. I avoided all physical contact that would lead him to believe I was interested in sex. Yes it was bad.
> 
> ...


Love to read this. There are several women who have had similar experiences. Simply Amorous is one.

Makes me wonder why there is so little research on the effect of the pill on the libido and how to eliminate it. It has a devastating effect on marriages. 

What made you decide to stop taking the pill? Did you realize while you were taking the pill that it stole your sex drive?

Curious have other women tried getting off the pill and use alternative BC to see if the sex drive returns?


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Love to read this. There are several women who have had similar experiences. Simply Amorous is one.
> 
> Makes me wonder why there is so little research on the effect of the pill on the libido and how to eliminate it. It has a devastating effect on marriages.
> 
> ...


I stopped taking due to the fact that I was at the age where stroke risk was going up and that scared me, had been thinking about it awhile, and my husband agreed to vasectomy but was dragging his feet on doing somethign about it. (looking back he probably was so unhappy he wasn't sure about doing it)

One Sunday I went to start a new pack and realized I forgot to order them. So I said "Thats it, I am out of pills and I am not ordering any more. You better buy some condoms if you want sex " Which of course, infuriated him because he has a hard time "finishing" in condoms as he says they dull sensation.

Worst of it is I had other symptoms like tiredness, anxiety, and weight gain which I attributed to be a working busy mom. I even sought help from doctor and all they did was send me for an iron test. Really pisses me off sometimes when I think I may be divorced now because the doctors refuse to admit the birth conrol pill is not without side effects. If they had just suggested using a different form of birth control when I first asked for help, I would have repaired our intimacy issues 2 years sooner.
Uuugh


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Nothing changed from dating to marriage for us...other than not going out a lot.

Oh and we have way less money now LOL!


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