# Question for the CHEATERS



## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Hi all. This is just a random question, and would help shed some light on some things I'm trying to understand.

If you are the person who cheated, and you left a marriage or a long term relationship, once you are with the person who you cheated with, and things don't work out with that said person, how do you feel? Do you become some how obsessed with this said person? 

My dad cheated on my mom and when he left her (after 30 years of marriage) he and the woman later on broke up but he was like obsessed with her in a way, for quite some time. 

Another example is my XH. He left me for this woman, and they were on and off for about 2 years, and they're not together now but for whatever reason, he can't let go of her (he and I are just friends, nothing else, no desire to be with him, just trying to make sure he is ok since he is so depressed). He was NEVER depressed or had a drinking problem or suicidal in the 12 years we were together, but this woman changed him. 

So, I am just curious. Is this how it is for the ones who are cheating?


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

ihatethis,

One answer, perhaps, is that people in general are more concerned with losses than maintaining gains. 

When a cheater loses their affair partner, who for a time seemed like the greatest person on earth, the sense of loss and the desire to recoup that loss can become enormously powerful. It is one of the reasons why casinos draw people in day after day until they have spent every penny they ever owned. Perhaps also why cheaters go back to their affair partners over and over again wanting to get back those feeling of unconditional love common early on in an affair.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Loss_aversion

Let me qualify that I have never been in an affair, except for an EA I had with a married woman when I was age 15-18.

Tamat


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ihatethis said:


> Hi all. This is just a random question, and would help shed some light on some things I'm trying to understand.
> 
> If you are the person who cheated, and you left a marriage or a long term relationship, once you are with the person who you cheated with, and things don't work out with that said person, how do you feel? Do you become some how obsessed with this said person?
> 
> ...


Perhaps your husbands infidelity changed him?

It's not easy for some people when they realise they are a cheating POS.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Perhaps your husbands infidelity changed him?
> 
> It's not easy for some people when they realise they are a cheating POS.


bingo!! The depression is anger turned inward on ones self.
He also lost his self respect and everyone wants something they
Can't have!!! He needs intensive counseling and give up booze. Please don't capitalize cheaters again! It seems so unbiased. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Dude007 said:


> bingo!! The depression is anger turned inward on ones self.
> He also lost his self respect and everyone wants something they
> Can't have!!! He needs intensive counseling and give up booze. Please don't capitalize cheaters again! It seems so unbiased. Dude
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I should point out I was speaking from personal experience.

My stupid, drunken revenge affair actually made me feel worse than my wife's affair did. I was on Seroxat for a while, having had a breakdown.


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> I should point out I was speaking from personal experience.
> 
> My stupid, drunken revenge affair actually made me feel worse than my wife's affair did. I was on Seroxat for a while, having had a breakdown.


Ahhh, everyone deserves one Revenge Affair in their life...Meh! DUDE


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

ihatethis said:


> He was NEVER depressed or had a drinking problem or suicidal in the 12 years we were together, but this woman changed him.
> 
> So, I am just curious. Is this how it is for the ones who are cheating?


When there's another partner, the WS continues to get their relationship hormones in big/double doses. While the BS gets to go cold turkey without support. When the relationship ends for the WS they have that whole time of adjustment (addiction) and expectations, so it is a larger gaping hole for them, also the WS has burned a lot of bridges and made sacrifices for the new relationship, so when everything goes up in smoke, the loss and cost of their choices all hit them - unlike the BS, the WS has no-one else to blame....


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> When there's another partner, the WS continues to get their relationship hormones in big/double doses. While the BS gets to go cold turkey without support. When the relationship ends for the WS they have that whole time of adjustment (addiction) and expectations, so it is a larger gaping hole for them, also the WS has burned a lot of bridges and made sacrifices for the new relationship, so when everything goes up in smoke, the loss and cost of their choices all hit them - unlike the BS, the WS has no-one else to blame....


Beautifully written.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

That's the reason it's much more likely for the Bs to be whole again. The WS is most likely changed forever and can never again have a real relationship. Dude
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Dude007,

You wrote, *That's the reason it's much more likely for the Bs to be whole again. The WS is most likely changed forever and can never again have a real relationship. Dude*

That's profound, and I think that's true not just with others but with their betrayed spouses. Perhaps even more so than the betrayed spouse, the wayward spouse never sees the betrayed spouse the same again.

Tamat


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> When there's another partner, the WS continues to get their relationship hormones in big/double doses. While the BS gets to go cold turkey without support. When the relationship ends for the WS they have that whole time of adjustment (addiction) and expectations, so it is a larger gaping hole for them, also the WS has burned a lot of bridges and made sacrifices for the new relationship, so when everything goes up in smoke, the loss and cost of their choices all hit them - unlike the BS, the WS has no-one else to blame....


Yes. And deep down, they know they've blown up their BS's life, their children's lives, and their families' lives over this person, only to have it not work out. They have to prove to all those people, and to themselves, that it wasn't all for nothing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes. And deep down, they know they've blown up their BS's life, their children's lives, and their families' lives over this person, only to have it not work out. They have to prove to all those people, and to themselves, that it wasn't all for nothing.


I know someone who was having an affair behind her husband's back. 

She thought her lover was Mr Perfect but he is actually an alcoholic and a control freak. 

She keeps saying she will dump him, but she never does.

It is my theory that she cannot dump him or she will have to then acknowledge to herself that she dumped her husband for nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

Nomorebeans said:


> Yes. And deep down, they know they've blown up their BS's life, their children's lives, and their families' lives over this person, only to have it not work out. They have to prove to all those people, and to themselves, that it wasn't all for nothing.


But sometimes, the BS is through such crisis, is awaken, to find out they themselves were really unhappy as well. So they, get the Gift of getting out of a marriage they really didn't want to be in anyway. Sometimes with LARGE SETTLEMENTS. They get out the BEST way possible actually with most family/friends coming to their aid/side. Meanwhile the BS privately smiles and jumps for joy....It happens...DUDE


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

TAMAT said:


> One answer, perhaps, is that people in general are more concerned with losses than maintaining gains.
> 
> When a cheater loses their affair partner, who for a time seemed like the greatest person on earth, the sense of loss and the desire to recoup that loss can become enormously powerful. It is one of the reasons why casinos draw people in day after day until they have spent every penny they ever owned. Perhaps also why cheaters go back to their affair partners over and over again wanting to get back those feeling of unconditional love common early on in an affair.


I think this is the fundamental reason, if and when such attachment occurs - and I don't think it is by any means the norm.


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## giddiot (Jun 28, 2015)

It is extremely difficult to break free of the chemical addiction. No matter what your logical thinking wants you to do you still can't let go. It took several years for me.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Dude007 (Jun 22, 2015)

giddiot said:


> It is extremely difficult to break free of the chemical addiction. No matter what your logical thinking wants you to do you still can't let go. It took several years for me.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Like cigarettes, cocaine, booze....I get it! DUDE


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