# Should I do this again??



## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

Okay here is my story...I have been married to my second husban for 4 years (next month). Everything was good right after we got married. We started trying to have kids about 6 months after we got married and got pregnant right away!! Unfortunetly we lost that baby to a miscarriage early on in the pregnancy. A few weeks after that, my father in law (who is still married to my mother in law) came out that he was gay and it pretty much destroyed my husband. Shortly after that devestating news, I found out that I was pregnant again. That was over three years ago. Since then I have seen sides of my in laws that one should never see. They absolutely hate each other and apparently have for a very long time. My husband grew up with parents that hate each other and I am slowly realizing that our marriage is turning into the same as theirs. (Minus him being gay.) He is angry and treats me like crap even though I have done nothing to him. I have tried to get him to go and talk to someone but he says he doesn't need to. I am about to leave, but we now have a 2 1/2 year old little boy to think about.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Does he know you are about to leave?


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

He tell's me to on a regular basis...


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

And in addition to telling me to leave he controls all of our money which he thinks is only his and that I will have nothing if I do leave. He tells me to "shut up" in front of our 2 year old and my 12 year old daughter. He is just a very angry and hurt person and he takes it out on me...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Perhaps if you grant his wish for a while, he will see what he is missing.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

How old are you both?


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

I am 37...he is 34. He has never been married before. I would leave but i am not sure where I would go...


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

and I would not leave with out my kids!!!!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

You need to somehow strengthen your position. If you can't get the resources together to move out, then you need to become a stronger communicator. You may be able to reach out to your husband if only you could understand him. The link below taught me a lot. I realised I did not speak my wife's inner language. She is Audio-Visual, I am Audio-Tactile. Her main mode is visual.

"Ask Dr. Tracy" Love Library


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

Communication on my end doesn't seem to be the problem..He doesn't want to deal with or listen to what I am saying or feeling. His way of dealing is by not dealing with things. and to complicate things more he and his father work together. So he comes home angry every night!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

There is a solution for you, you need to think laterally. Do you get on at all ever or is it a constant battle? Are you still in the same bed etc?


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

We got along well when we got married....but everything changed when his Dad "came out" and his Dad has since moved out of the house and still sees the other guy. His parents are still married. Yes we still sleep in the same bed.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

So do you have better days, or is it ALL bad?


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

The majority are quiet because he doesn't talk to me...When he does it is usually degrating and negative. We RARELY have a normal conversation!! I feel as though he is ashamed of me as a wife and he has no respect for me at all...everything I do is wrong. That is a tough microscope to live under!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

How come you are still sleeping in the same bed?


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

Because if that goes then I feel like all hope is gone..There have been nights where he or I have slept in a different room...but when we are in the same bed contact is limited. At first our "love Life" wasn't effected by this announcement but now even that is effected because who wants to be intimate with someone who treats them like crap outside of the bedroom??


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

second time around said:


> who wants to be intimate with someone who treats them like crap outside of the bedroom??


Are you telling me that he is OK _inside _the bedroom?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Have you talked to your kids about what is going on? i think its important for kids to know that the way he talks to you sometimes is verbally abusive. Kids dont just understand that. If it was me, every time he talked to me that way in front of the kids I would just say, 'this is verbal abuse.' but i think its equally important that they know mom doesnt have to be the victim of such abuse. because if they see you crushed and demoralized by him then they will mirror your reaction.

My H was a control freak in the beginning of our relationship. He would try to bar the door and block me with his body. He even pushed me once. he would physically restrain me. But i never retaliated. One day when he was blocking the door (i was leaving to go to a hotel) i calmly looked at him and said, 'this is abuse. you need to open the door.' after awhile of standing there he did open the door. he doesnt do that anymore.

Abusers sense a victim and latch on. Kind of like dogs in a pack. You have to be strong around them. A dog will attack because it senses a weakness, and the same goes for you husband. He attacks because he sense your weakness. But you can be strong. You can learn to emotionally separate from what he is saying and be strong in front of him. this doesnt mean you have to get mean back. but you can learn to look at him and see how weak he is, and be strong in front of him. it means realizing you arent his victim, he is his own victim.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng-

You are totally in tune here. I think she feels only her own powerlessness.


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## second time around (Sep 3, 2008)

I realize that this is verbal abuse and I have told my daughter, who is 12, what is going on. Our son is only 2 so he is too young to understand. I do know that if he continues to treat me like this in front of the kids that (1) my daughter will think it is okay for her husband or significant other to treat her like that and (2) my son will treat his wife the same. That is my biggest fear is a repeat in the cycle that my husband grew up in. 

I really think that he needs to see someone but he absolutley refuses to go. Not even to save our marriage! I have tried to be understanding to the family "situation" but it is time for him to grow up and deal with everything. He is more worried about people finding out and what they think that he puts on this totally fake front when we are around people. From the outside looking in we have the perfect marriage and he comes from this perfect family...white picket fence and all!! His parents are the same way. They still go out in public together, travel together, spend the holidays together and celebrate birthdays, anniversarys, etc. together, yet she absolutley hates him and he would rather be with his "friend". 

Neither will leave b/c of what people will think. (Sounds a little familiar) I am pretty sure that my husband wants out but he won't leave b/c he doesn't want to look bad being the one that leaves. (NO ONE in his entire family has ever been divorced. This includes cousins. And they have a huge family!!) I haven't left yet b/c I really want it to work out but it won't without some drastic changes and some help. So my next question is... How do you get someone to seek out help?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

second time around said:


> How do you get someone to seek out help?


Unfortunately, and you're not going to like this, you dont. You cant make anyone do anything. the only person you have control over is yourself. If you continually try and get him to change, you are forgetting that you have power to change the situation even if he doesnt want to. 

You have to change you.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> Unfortunately, and you're not going to like this, you dont. You cant make anyone do anything. the only person you have control over is yourself. If you continually try and get him to change, you are forgetting that you have power to change the situation even if he doesnt want to.
> 
> You have to change you.


Agree - *second time around* I'm afraid that your helplessness really shines through. And that's good news because it's means that if you work on yourself, the situation will radically alter. 

Also, I sense there is something you aren't telling us... 

Try this experiment. Imagine *Mr. second time around* were complaining about you on this forum, what would he be saying?


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