# I'm jumping ship



## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

As a couple and family we have been making it financially but struggling to connect emotionally...I've tried/suggested everything: counseling, stopped drug/alcohol abuse myself, I've believed him and continued to struggle to make it work, I've forgive infidelity, I've let things go that I shouldn't have. I came to the conclusion I'm done and over it. His pot abuse and alcohol addiction have taken enough toll on me and our children. I'm terrified as I begin this new journey but I know in my heart I tried everything to save the marriage. I've got these feeling of overwhelming sadness for myself that he was a man who I once believed I would spend the rest of my life with it brings me to great sadness that I'm nothing more to him than a baby momma. I'm sad that I've got to make the call to my parents and ask to come home....with my 2 kids in tow. All of this sadness also brings about a great feeling of relief that it will soon be over and my new life will have its own trials and tribulations but they will be my own and not his problems dragging me down. I'm worried about the custody battle all I'm asking for is drug/alcohol testing and I'm willing to let him see them whenever he wants. I'm not willing to give him overnights and that will outrage him, but hes never been active with the kids at night either or ever really he always seems to be absent when I'm around. He claims he is better with them when I'm not around. I don't look forward to the begging me to take him back and the crying...Jesus hes ugly when he cries. Am I completely warped? Its not too much to ask for him to be sober if he wants to see the kids is it?


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

Your case sounds terrible and from what you say it is time to leave,

However, to play devil's advocate here (and please don't get offended) there are plenty of stories here where:

1. the LBS has been portrayed as the spawn of the devil

2. the WAS has said that he/she has "done everything" to try to save the marriage - but it often turns out that they have done everything but actually talking to their spouse, telling them how they feel, telling them exactly what the issues are, and telling them that unless they change then the marriage is over (and giving them the chance to change.

3. The WAS has given up on the marriage without telling the LBS - and yet remains in the marriage as if nothing has happened.

Now I don't mean to sound harsh, or to judge you or to doubt you but you seem to fit those criteria. Just a suggestion - maybe you might want to read some of the threads on here from LBS's and reflect on how your actions are going to look from your husband's point of view, and also whether your portrayal of him above is entirely balanced and fair. If it is, then it's probably time for you to leave. But if you search your heart and you find that you are stressing the negative and downplaying the positive aspects of him and of your marriage then perhaps there is a bit more thinking to be done. Perhaps try to come up with 5 good things about him and 5 good things about the marriage. If you can't come up with any, perhaps you are being unduly negative and/or you just find it impossible to empathise with him at the moment. That's not a good place from which to take a decision to end a marriage.


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## itzachicken (Oct 17, 2012)

I can appreciate your insight I'm fully aware I'm to blame as well, I told him how I felt about ending it last night and it fell upon deaf ears I've threatened so much I'm positive he doesn't believe me. I'm hot tempered and very rude about drugs and drinking since I just don't understand the addiction factor...he does not see those things as a huge contributing factor to most of our problems. I'm guilty of blaming those things for mood swings and belligerent behavior. I cannot make him realize how negatively his mood affects our family and I've become so depressed about the situation I'm generally going through the motions with little or no feeling. 
I'm not coming upon this lightly I've been throwing the idea back and forth since October. I'm very concerned about the well being of our children because they do really love him; when he is completely present he is an amazing dad the problem is if anything is out of order he looses it and blames me for making him so pissed off. Yesterday he was playing with the girls and I was folding laundry, the dogs started barking at someone on the street he told me to check and see what they were yapping at I look out the window and respond "someone walking on the street". He yells at me to "shut them the **** up! NOW!" I walk into the kitchen and slip on my shoes so I can walk out to get on them and he freaks "what the **** are you doing?!!" calmly I reply "putting on my shoes" he yells "****ing shut them up now you just wasted 10 seconds putting on your shoes and going out the back door stupid *****...god damn ****ing dumbass. why are you so stupid?". He proceeds to rant about how stupid I am for a good 15 minutes. That great time with his kids became a not so great dad moment all over me putting shoes on he wouldn't talk about how it was outrageous behavior and unjustified. Or maybe it was? I don't really know anymore I just know that this kind of thing happens regularly and the fact that it makes me unhappy does not phase him anymore.


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