# Are Narcissism/Codependence related to Sadomasochism?



## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

I am utilizing my BS infidelity experience to undertake my own self-study in order to answer the questions that forced me to examine the reasons I allowed myself to be placed in such a position of vulnerability. I want to be thorough in my self-examination so that I am fully prepared to stand stronger than ever before. I found that the pain was on various levels of my non-compartmentalized life. I wanted to know if anyone else has ever felt this way, thought this or experienced it...


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> I am utilizing my BS infidelity experience to undertake my own self-study in order to answer the questions that forced me to examine the reasons I allowed myself to be placed in such a position of vulnerability. I want to be thorough in my self-examination so that I am fully prepared to stand stronger than ever before. I found that the pain was on various levels of my non-compartmentalized life. I wanted to know if anyone else has ever felt this way, thought this or experienced it...


The pain infiltrates many areas of the psyche since our primary love-relationship operates on so many levels of our psyche, even if those levels are distinctly "compartmentalised" from eachother. To love is to trust and be vulnerable, so not feeling pain is impossible when it comes to infidelity. 

If you will love again, you will be open to experiencing pain again if there is infidelity. 

I found helped me heal and put it all in perspective is to put myself FIRST, and not loose myself in the "WE" (as Narcicists and co-dependents might) but keep the distinct "ME", and "YOU" and "US" elements of the relationship. 

Anyone who has experienced deep betrayal learns very quickly there is no one who will look out for your own best interests other than yourself, the idea of an eternal "WE" against the world is a flawed notion. I wish it were true, have yet to find it. 

If you can be your own BFF and put yourself first, your psyche can overcome almost anything, endure most pain.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Anyone who has experienced deep betrayal learns very quickly there is no one who will look out for your own best interests other than *yourself*, the idea of an eternal "WE" against the world is a flawed notion. I wish it were true, have yet to find it. 


:iagree:


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Calibre12 said:


> "...forced me to examine the reasons I allowed myself to be placed in such a position of vulnerability.





> To love is to trust and be vulnerable, so not feeling pain is impossible when it comes to infidelity.


What Ever-man writes is true. We cannot love WITHOUT allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. 

Think of "protecting" yourself along the same lines as protecting your house. You may lock your doors and windows, and even install an alarm system. But if you're going to lock all the windows AND install an alarm system AND get 2 rotweillers AND hire a security guard 24/7 AND build a moat AND stock the moat with alligators.... There's only so much "protection" you can afford yourself and beforeyou realize it, you're building up WALLS to keep the rest of the world OUT, all in the name of "protecting" yourself. 



> I found helped me heal and put it all in perspective is to *put myself FIRST*, and not loose myself in the "WE" (as Narcicists and co-dependents might) but keep the distinct "ME", and "YOU" and "US" elements of the relationship.


We have to be very careful when deciding to put ourselves FIRST. If we put ourselves first-- that is, if we consistently place our own wants and needs ahead of that of our partners--we would be _selfish_. And if we're going to be selfish, then what POINT would there be for us to be in a relationship in the first place? 

Edited to add: May I remind 'us' that the REASON that our partner betrayed us was because (s)he was PUTTING HIM/HERSELF *FIRST*? 

Just some food for thought...


Vega


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

I love that analogy of the fortress, so well protected nothing else can get in, and it's occupant lives a deprived and austere life. 

I suppose that is one reason why infidelity is such a painful experience, and encapsulates so many difficult yet inherent contradictions in life. We need to make ourselves vulnerable in order to love, yet when we show our under-belly we are open to great wounds. 

Yet does any one person owe everything of themselves to another? Once having loved someone, is one required to love them forever, consistantly, even if those feelings go away? 
Does the requirement of fidelity limit the freedom of lovers?

In the end, I believe a free-individual is not chained to another, despite the social obligations, the heart sometimes acts independantly. 

If one's spouse happens to fall in love with another person, yet does not want to end the marriage, but wants an interlude,is the expectation that they remain faithful limiting to their freedom, and morally unjust? 

Does an unfaithful spouse limit their own personal happiness and freedom in order to spare their partner the pain? 

These dynamics are at play, contradictory in nature, and confirm my belief that in the end we are all on our own when determining what is in our best interests. For a spouse to expect fidelity is to put a limit on another person's happiness, and that is equally morally unjust as a hidden infidelty. Both acts are unjust, but each is pursuing their own freedom and personal interests, and each person has to respect the others freedom and to stand alone in dealing with the consequences.


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