# Difficulty Letting Go



## theone79 (Nov 15, 2011)

Me and wife now have a strong loving relationship nowadays. She cheated on me a lil over three ago. But from time to time I look at her with total disgust. I don't mean to but my desire for her is not the same and I no longer view her in a high class. I don't mistreat her. I do anything for her like she do for me. But I no longer feel lucky to have her. I have that used car feeling. Is that normal? I don't bring up the affair, but it still lingers. The elephant is still there sometimes
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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

As someone who just found out 3 days ago that my wife had an affair.....i would say its normal because I will probably feel just like you if I decide to stay with her.

Like I told my wife, the woman I married is dead to me. This person here now is just someone who resembles her. I tore up all of our wedding pictures and took away both our rings. I dont see her the same. You dont look at her as special because she isnt. She isnt of high moral character and you and I are not lucky for having them. They are the lucky ones for having us.

You are perfectly normal and I understand exactly where you are coming from. You and I are high class and they are not. What you are seeing sir is the real woman you married without the cloudiness of love blurring your real vision. 

I look at my wife with disgust too. She is a tainted s!ut to me right now. Nothing more, nothing less.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Your life changed and you woke up and did not realize it. Your wife changed and you did not see it. You are not in shock seeing all the changes around you. I won't sugar coat this at all. It is going to be the most difficult thing in the world to change how you look at your wife. It is not to say it can not be done but the work you are going to put in is going to make you question everything in your life more than once. Most relationships really don't survive this. I would also venture to say most BS's don't ever really heal. I am really sorry for your loss but now you need to start thinking about you. You need to get help right away. You also need to take time and evaluate your marriage. This is not going to be easy. 

I am sorry you are going through this. Sadly I have been through this as well more than once so you will learn just as we have. Just remember your not alone and there are a lot of good people on this site that will give you great advice. 

Clay


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You are not through the stages of grief entirely. When you are done, you will have to look at your wife and see her for who she really is. Your marriage that you had is over. You will have to decide whether or not you will want to go on with a new marriage with her. IT will not be like the one before. It can be better but it will be different. I am sorry you are here. Good luck to you brother.


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## bartendersfriend (Oct 14, 2013)

I truly hope to move past some of the same feelings. It has been a little under 3 months since DDay for me. But, I was driving to work this morning thinking almost the same thing... "I just do not feel lucky to have her any more."

I used to think the world of her and think of all the reasons why she was so special. I used to ignore the negative aspects and things that bothered me about her. Now, I find it hard to defend her in my mind.

We're in MC and definitely trying to move past all of this. But, it is hard when you don't view her in the same light as before the A. I feel a little like I just miss the way I used to love her and don't feel like I couldn't live without her.

That makes me sad. She was always everything I needed.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does it matter with whom they had the affair? The number of times they had sex?

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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on this and I'll respect their point of view, but I am one of those that infidelity is a deal breaker and if I was the one who cheated, I would expect the same. 

I would never want to spend the rest of my life always wondering if my wife was where she says she at. Doing what she says she's doing. Is with who she says she's with. No to mention the things that would trigger the nightmare of the day that I found out. 

If she loved me, she wouldn't have gone off with another guy and had sex with him. If she wanted another man in her life then she should have been adult enough to just end the marriage and go with him but in too many cases it doesn't happen that way and they choose to have the extra marital affair on the side and the benefits of the marriage. 

There's are some who can forgive and move on and I give them all the credit in the world and hope they have many happy years together but I guess I'm not built that way.

I had a real bad experience happen to me when I was a young man in my early 20's and because of that, this is the way I feel about infidelity so it's not just talking out of my hat.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

OP, perfectly normal feelings and beliefs. This is why I didn't want to reconcile. All I saw was her f*cking and sucking scumbag OM d!ck. Literally. I saw pics of these things. 

I will never forget those. 

It crushed me initially. Only through my lifestyle and training was I able to handle the stress and not break down. And my son-that was the big one. 

But I just could not look at her. Like I could not physically look or talk to her for about 2 months. When we would exchange are son, our parents would do it. I could not physically look at her. She disgusted me on every level. Plus, about 2 day's after d day I said many things that I kinda regret. I went off on her, to the point where she said she was gonna kill herself. Thank god she didn't. 

But to say she was tainted for me was an understatement. It's funny tho, now that I'm officially divorced I should be happy. But I'm really sad and struggling with my emotions of her. I'm still in love with her. And it's getting tougher and tougher to not give in to her advancements. 

I don't really know what's going on. I thought divorce would clarify things to their precipice. But I guess not.


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

6301 said:


> I know that a lot of people will disagree with me on this and I'll respect their point of view, but I am one of those that infidelity is a deal breaker and if I was the one who cheated, I would expect the same.
> 
> I would never want to spend the rest of my life always wondering if my wife was where she says she at. Doing what she says she's doing. Is with who she says she's with. No to mention the things that would trigger the nightmare of the day that I found out.
> 
> ...



I'm starting to agree with you. I'm 3 months into this since D-day. We separated 2 weeks ago. We're in MC. I guess we're trying to R in some way. But I don't really believe anything she tells me. I think I will always question her whereabouts and with whom she's with. I went through this same sh!t with my first wife. We separated, got a D, then we tried to R. Guess what? 3 months later she left me for her old boyfriend from college. Don't know why I'm even considering an R with my 2nd wife. In the back of my mind, I don't trust her at all. Maybe I'm too f*****g stubborn. Or stupid. Lol.
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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

theone79 said:


> Me and wife now have a strong loving relationship nowadays. She cheated on me a lil over three ago. But from time to time I look at her with total disgust. I don't mean to but my desire for her is not the same and I no longer view her in a high class. I don't mistreat her. I do anything for her like she do for me. But I no longer feel lucky to have her. I have that used car feeling. Is that normal? I don't bring up the affair, but it still lingers. The elephant is still there sometimes
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel the same way my friend
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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

theone79,

I remember your posts and just refreshed myself by skimming through them again.

I remember last year that one of the problems you were dealing with was her obvious gaslighting and basic dishonesty about how she betrayed your M.

Did you ever get any resolution to this issue, or did you just decide to rugsweep it and move forward?


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I found out this week. I'm still in shock. My family and few close friends I've confided in have said they'd support me in whatever I choose. At the same time the feeling with each conversation is that I'm better off alone. He is still denying any affair even with all the proof I have.

How do you let go? He's still denying the affair. I always thought I was a very strong person. I'm feeling like a total loser and even worse for allowing even a week of feeling like this without action. How did you make it through 3 years?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

hopeful101 said:


> I found out this week. I'm still in shock. My family and few close friends I've confided in have said they'd support me in whatever I choose. At the same time the feeling with each conversation is that I'm better off alone. He is still denying any affair even with all the proof I have.
> 
> How do you let go? He's still denying the affair. I always thought I was a very strong person. I'm feeling like a total loser and even worse for allowing even a week of feeling like this without action. How did you make it through 3 years?


You are not the loser. He is. He lost your love, your respect and he lost you.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

When you're cheated on, normalcy seems all but gone... 
but let me reassure you that feeling disgusted is normal. Everything you feel inside is normal. 
Sadly, I don't see how that ever goes away. 

Trying to let go for her or your marriage seldom works.
You need to do it for yourself, first.

The day I found out about my ex's A, I literally soaked my side of the bed 
with tears and got about an hour of sleep. I told her it felt like I was at her funeral.

I was.


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## quandtrtle (Nov 22, 2013)

It can be better but it will be different. I am sorry you are here. Good luck to you brother.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's a game changer, thats for sure.
Whats important is that our wayward knows its a game changer and understands why and how to work thru it.

After all, its them that wanted to work it out. The way I see it is now that a deal has been broken its time for a new deal...take it or leave it.

You sir are in no mean what so ever alone in this.

I feel the exact same way.

On a side note, one thing about having an old car, you know what you put into it and how long it will last before you have to replace it.LOL


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife stepped outside of the sacred circle---she can never set foot back in that circle-----if it went physical---you also have to know, she carries the seed of her lover inside of her, into your own castle, the one place that was to be protected by holy vows


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> OP, perfectly normal feelings and beliefs. This is why I didn't want to reconcile. All I saw was her f*cking and sucking scumbag OM d!ck. Literally. I saw pics of these things.
> 
> I will never forget those.
> 
> ...


Is her remorse keeping your love alive, Flood?

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