# what to do



## cdm369 (Aug 27, 2011)

Couple of questions...your partner gets texts frequently...sometimes they tell you who it was and other times they don't. Should I ask? Will asking her anger her? I always go out of my way to be an open book to her about everything. She doesn't seem to have the same drive. I've heard her use the term invasion of privacy which kinda worries me...I don't believe in that between partners...am I wrong?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## strawberry (Jun 21, 2010)

i would be concern. or it could also be she doesn't want you to be jealous or get asked 10Q of the other guys who text her. it could be just work related etc..


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Ask her why she doesn't reciprocate being an open book like you? If she tries to turn the tables about you being controlling then simply tell her that you will start putting passwords on your FB and email accounts which you will not share with her as well. See how she reacts to that.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No your not wrong!!!!!!!!!
Your partner is not requesting privacy, she is hiding secrets.

It also sound like your partner throws out the "controlling" word alot?

If you want to get a handle on this then give them a choice to either be with you and respect your boundries, establish some of thier own boundries and work on a healthy relationship.

Or thier second choice is to leave the relationship and giving you both the choice to move on to find a relationship were the both of you can have openness and respect that will make you both happy.

Again not controling them, they can choose. The only thing you can control is what you will tolorate and moving on with or with out them to be in a healthy and protected relationship


----------



## cdm369 (Aug 27, 2011)

Some could be work related...I tend to thouroughly analyze things and if I say something then I ge accused of over thinking. Hasn't accused me of control yet but I feel like I got 2 options:
1...get stepped on
2...establish boundaries
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## snowy13 (Jan 9, 2011)

Establish boundaries. My H is the same way - I wished I asked and set boundaries sooner. Not saying she is doing anything, but better to put it out there now.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you mean by partner?


----------



## cdm369 (Aug 27, 2011)

chapparal said:


> What do you mean by partner?


She is my fiance...lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

cdm369 said:


> She is my fiance...lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*HUGE RED FLAG!*

Your fiance is telling you that she doesn't believe in what should be an essential, universal, non-negotiable core value in a comitted relationship: mutual transparency.

She is telling you that she reserves the right to hide ANY information from you including the kind that you should know and need to make a correcct assessment of the relationship.

Her devotion to her 'privacy' takes precedense over any devotion to you. Is that the kind of woman you want for a wife?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why not just ask her who is texting her? It could be her mom. You posted this in the infidelity section. Do you not trust her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

cdm369 said:


> Couple of questions...your partner gets texts frequently...sometimes they tell you who it was and other times they don't. Should I ask? Will asking her anger her? I always go out of my way to be an open book to her about everything. She doesn't seem to have the same drive. I've heard her use the term invasion of privacy which kinda worries me...I don't believe in that between partners...am I wrong?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


From your post your not actually saying she's hiding anything.

"Should I ask? Will asking her anger her? "

Are you afraid of her? Of course you should ask her. Something has made you suspicious. If your gut is telling you something you better listen. Is she actually refusing to let you see the texts and see who she's texting ? Why would a fiance need to keep any secrets from her partner? I can't think of but one person she would be trying to hide unless there is more than one OM. If she's having an affair yes she will act angry, otherwise she should ,at most, be amused and happily hand over her phone. Of course she might just have some major personal issues.

"invasion of privacy"

What was the context. Has she changed behavior. Does she go out alone etc. ? Has something else been bothering you? If you were married you should be doing everything in your power to find out what is going on. Since your engaged, however, ask for complete transparency. If you don't get it and keep it, it's time to ask for the ring back. Make sure whatever you do you do it in a manly fashion. Be clear, strong and upfront otherwise she will not see you as someone she needs to marry anyway. Sounds like you're already waffling and sending the complete opposite signals that a woman wants/needs to get.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Should I spy? 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
By Dr. Robert Huizenga
If you are a spouse who suspects your partner might be having an
affair, wants to find out if he/she is telling the truth or has a need to
discover details of the affair, this article is for you.
The desire, sometime a fairly strong desire to spy or find out
exactly what is happening between your partner and the other
person, is commonly very strong, especially at disclosure of the
affair or prior to that when you sense that something is off kilter.
7 Legitimate Motives for Spying
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself.
Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or
questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you
confronted him/her and it was met with denial. This created a huge
dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this
doesn't fit! I don't believe it!
To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a
tremendous internal turmoil.
If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath
and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully
your gut feelings.
2. Spying may help you feel connected to your partner who
seems to be steadily moving away from you. It is a way of
maintaining contact and have some sort of connection to this stranger
who once was well known.
Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children?
Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game
is at least some contact, ()some involvement. You miss the connection
and try to find someway to maintain the ties.
3. Spying may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the
relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does
not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know
what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.
You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You
want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.
You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might
be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to
know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.
4. If you suspect that this behavior might be the end of the
relationship, you want to protect yourself legally.
If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other
forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the
relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court
systems.
Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of
affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through
my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you.
If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to
say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take
protective steps.
5. You want to protect yourself medically. You might be
concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at
stake. And, of course, you need to know.
Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner
that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical
dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your
relationship.
6. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a
secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of
working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a
secret has a powerful impact.
It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk
about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it
IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it.
Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle
but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously
so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things.
Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a
host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry
the emotional load.
You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret.
You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of
the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution,
a rich relationship and a productive life.
7. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline
based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up
entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue.
Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an
unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy
to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.
Is Spying an Invasion of Privacy?
My, how the person involved in the affair cries foul when he/she
discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would
stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this
relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy
and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from
you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to
me? On and on.
Usually the person having the affair does not see or will not
admit the duplicity of his/her clandestine behavior.
But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the
truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about an affair
borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying
the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The
integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the affair. The
affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you
made.
The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its
protective boundaries. The affair broke the contract of the
marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage
the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the
pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is
to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to
begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage
and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
Are You Ready to Handle
What You Might Find?
Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover?
Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your
response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are
some specific questions to ask yourself:
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover
the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them
exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to
stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or
lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets
almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional
hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact
immediately and see soon to help me through the rough
sports?
3) What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a
strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to
confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what
circumstances will I confront him/her?
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care?What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?
5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who can help
me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and
self-care and keep me focused and working on these
strategies and goals?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the
prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself
about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move
through this crisis?
Spying is Not Revenge
Do not use what you find as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you
may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to
do to him/her and the other person. (w w w .knowthetruth . i n f o ) Email Surveillance Services)This is very normal. But, don’t act
them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the
time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person,
lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way
to break free from the affair is to set your focus on you as you
navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input
or influence,knowthetruth.info Email Surveillance Services
the better of you and the relationship will be.There usually is no reason to share new found information with
family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A
concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be
an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so
without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained
through spying is sometimes might be helpful to your attorney. Some
“evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.
Spouse Cheating on you?Get the evidence! 
W w w .knowthetruth.i n f o
Email Surveillance Services.The EASIEST way to discover the FACTS! 

Spring_love 
View Public Profile 
Find More Posts by Spring_love


----------

