# Letting go of Step Dad...



## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

My H and I are in the beginning of a D. I don't want a D but H is not willing to work on the marriage. He is involved in an EA and very selfish at this point. My question is about my daughter from a previous relationship. She is 12 years old and for 7 years of her life, H has been her Daddy. They did everything together. He would take her fishing, hunting, to the movies, to the beach. He taught her how to play sports and all the things that a good Dad does. He has been the best father ever...

For the past two weeks, he has not been a father to her. He barely speaks to her at all. When he does talk to her it is little things like "Hi" and "Bye" or "Have a good day". He doesn't say I love you at all anymore. She plays volleyball and actually has a tournament all day today. H woke up this morning and left without even saying a thing to her. She of course was devastated. I texted H to ask him to text or call her and wish her good luck (I know I can't force him to do it but I will try for the sake of my child). HE got upset and said I was trying to make him feel guilty. I told him I wasn't trying to make him feel guilty. I was trying to make my daughter feel better. He did text her but after fighting with me about it for a few minutes. 

So on top of dealing with a unexpected D, I am know facing the crisis of a daughter who is very sad but won't talk about it (she has always been a child who hid her feelings. She never cries or shows any strong emotions). I just don't know what to d to protect her from what is happening. How do I help her cope with her feelings if she won't let me? I know I can't force H to be in her life, so how can I lessen the pain for my child? Losing her Daddy is going to traumatize her for life and I feel helpless as I stand by watching...is there anything I can do?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Have you had a chance to discuss with your soon to be x what role he wants in your daughters life after the D? His current behavior seems as if he is washing his hands of everything. IMO your 12 year old can and will rebound from this. Are other aspects of her life stable? If you determine he is in fact washing his hands of everything, then you can try your best to fill in where he left off. The pain will lesson for her over time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

Cherry said:


> Have you had a chance to discuss with your soon to be x what role he wants in your daughters life after the D? His current behavior seems as if he is washing his hands of everything. IMO your 12 year old can and will rebound from this. Are other aspects of her life stable? If you determine he is in fact washing his hands of everything, then you can try your best to fill in where he left off. The pain will lesson for her over time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have discussed with my H his role in her life. It started off that he wanted to be there for her and always will be. A few days later, he said that he needed time away from her. another few days later and he really loves her and will try to be there. Like I said, he is only worried about himself right now so it is hard to get an honest answer from him. 

We just moved to a new town about three months ago. H relocated us from my hometown(where my daughter grew up) to his hometown. It was a change but she has adapted well. After D is final, my daughter and I have to move from the house we just bought. We have nowhere to go. She is going to have to change schools again. Her life was full of stability three weeks ago, now it is all up in the air.

I know she will rebound from this but at what cost to her emotionally? It worries me that she won't express her feelings about this whole situation. I know that she is hurting deeply from this, I just want to help her...


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## canary12 (Oct 13, 2011)

Oh, that's so rough! A parent never wants to see their child face this sort of situation.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to control how your husband chooses to respond to your daughter. Let's just hope, though, that he begins to make better choices! 

In the meantime, since it seems like your daughter is having a hard time expressing how this is affecting her, you might want to consider having her see a counselor--maybe you're seeing someone she could talk with or there may even be someone at her school in this role? But, I think it's never a good idea to keep the hurt she may be feeling bottled up inside. And, I think sometimes kids are more willing to open up to someone who's not a family member.

Also, it really sounds like you're doing a great job of showering your daughter with a lot of love and trying to keep things stable for her during this time. But, it can definitely be tough to know how to respond! So, maybe you'd find some help from an article I found online? It seems like it gives some suggestions for how to talk with kids who have a parent who's drifting away from them. So, just a suggestion!

Well, I really hope things improve for your family. Hang in there!


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## somuchinlove (Oct 10, 2011)

canary12 said:


> Oh, that's so rough! A parent never wants to see their child face this sort of situation.  Unfortunately, it's impossible to control how your husband chooses to respond to your daughter. Let's just hope, though, that he begins to make better choices!
> 
> In the meantime, since it seems like your daughter is having a hard time expressing how this is affecting her, you might want to consider having her see a counselor--maybe you're seeing someone she could talk with or there may even be someone at her school in this role? But, I think it's never a good idea to keep the hurt she may be feeling bottled up inside. And, I think sometimes kids are more willing to open up to someone who's not a family member.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much for all of the wonderful advice. I am looking into getting somebody for my daughter to talk with. She has come out of her shell a little and so has my husband. Hopefully, this situation will change for the better. Thanks again!


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## canary12 (Oct 13, 2011)

You're very welcome! I'm so glad it was helpful and that you're looking into your daughter seeing someone. I hope it goes well!


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