# Need some critiquing



## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

I'm 36 she's 30. Married 3 years together 5.

The first 3 years of our relationship my wife seemed to have a stronger libido. She would reach climax nearly every day and we did it almost every day.

2 years ago her interest seemed to decrease and about 1 year ago kind of leveled out to where it is now. Now sex happens every other day, give or take. She reaches climax about twice a week. When she gives it up it often _though not always_ is mainly just to please me. Her desire seems lower which I assume is why she doesn't climax as much now.

We have discussed the matter some. She claims it is the pill. I have done some reading - seems plausible. What doesn't make sense to me is how she was on the pill for well over a year and things were fine.

When she's into it it's great and I can tell she has a good time. But it has reached a point where I kind of feel a bit unexcited about initiating anything if it's going to be pretty much wholly for my pleasure. It increasingly just feels like a rejection to me instead of an opportunity to have fun with her. 

Am I making a big deal out of nothing here? Are my expectations out of line 5 years in? Can the pill really explain this situation? Thanks


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Having sex every other day is still a healthy sex life first off, so don't feel like your sex life is not great from a frequency standpoint. But there are a few things to consider here. 

First, I'm sure you've heard the term "honeymoon" period at the start of a marriage. Well this is what you are experiencing now. It's natural to feel more of that animal magnetism at the beginning because it's the first feelings you two shared when you first met. Lust is normal at the beginning of the relationship. Over time, it's natural for your love to mature, and it's no longer built on pure lust or physical attraction. Sure, the attraction part has to be a part of it, but you have to also incorporate other things into your life now as you and your wife continue to build your marriage. So it's natural for the high level of lust to wane; however, you have to manage it so that your wife doesn't lose all physical attraction to you. From what you wrote, I think she is still attracted to you.

Second, be grateful that your wife is willing to make love to you even if you don't think that you are in the mood. Unless she's rolling her eyes at your advances, sighing heavily as she follows you into the bedroom, etc...she wants to have sex with you still even if she is "not 100% into it" because she loves you. She realizes that sex is a need for you and that she loves you enough to want to satisfy your needs. Be happy that your wife thinks of you that highly. The two of you probably reached a natural compromise on sex.

So the goal is continue to make sure that - along with all of the other components of your relationship - that the two of you continue to keep a strong physical attraction to each other. That means you need to ensure that you are projecting a confident attitude that shows your wife that you value yourself. You also need to keep in reasonable shape from a physical standpoint. Also, try to figure out the things you do for her that let her feel that you truly love her. Does she like physical touch, you helping out around the house - whatever it is (5 languages of love). I haven't used that resource personally only because my wife and I communicate very well. We tell each other what we like and don't like about our relationship regularly, and we both try to work to make it better.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

While I understand that your current sexual situation isn't ideal for you, hence your post, be prepared for a lot of comments from people telling you to be thankful for what you are getting. I will be one of those people for moment because getting sex every other day, from a wife five years into a relationship and she's on the pill is definately more than most men in your situation would get -or even think about in many cases.

That said, I think the real issue for you isn't the frequency so much as it is the meaning behind the sex. You say you don't think she's into it and is only doing it for you. Many women, and men for that matter, will tell you on here that this is normal to a degree. Women might not also be in the mood when sex is requested, initiated or starts, however many women do get into it as sex continues. That's important for you to remember here, she might not be into it at the beginning, but as the foreplay begins or as sex begins, she will get into it and enjoy it, not just for you but also for herself. 

Don't beat yourself up over this, enjoy your sex life and enjoy the fact she loves you so much she is willing to try and make this issue work for the both of you. Take her efforts as a sign of love, not as a sign of apathy or duty.


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## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

I appreciate the advice. 

First of all let me say that I would not be surprised at all if people were to comment about me whining about "nothing" here. I am an *extremely lucky* man. My wife loves me enough to still give herself to me even if she's tired, not horny, etc.. And to top it off she's smoking hot. I must be doing something right here. :smthumbup:

My wife has stated that she frequently derives enjoyment out of our sexual encounters even if she is unable to climax. She usually doesn't just lay there like a fish. Which tends to support the responses to my post. For me it is hard to believe she is having that much fun without the orgasm but it could be I'm placing to much emphasis on that. That bothers me more than the fact the frequency has come down to where it's at. I am familiar with the "honeymoon phase" concept and expected the frequency issue to a degree. Doesn't mean I have to like it. 

I will take what I read to heart here. These feelings of rejection are the result of a misunderstanding on my part. As long as the relationship in every other way continues to be healthy. And the sex continues to give her enough pleasure that she is happy. Then I'm golden.


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## LastUnicorn (Jul 10, 2012)

If she claims with certainty that its the pill, I'd hear that as she doesn't know or doesn't want to tell you what she's really thinking. You thinking that as long as you are getting regular sex its golden is disturbing and a bit naive IMHO. This could continue on forever or could be the start of a downward slide. 

Maybe she is bored & not wanting to say anything because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? When is the last time you two tried something new? If nothing else new things or talks about fantasies will broaden both of your horizons.

If this question were in reverse, and a woman in this situation posted this about her husband you'd hear a chorus of:
Something is medically wrong
He's cheating on you
He's bored
You are boring
He's feeling stressed/resentful/tired/unappreciated

Just another opinion here, could be way off base but? If it IS the pill, why not explore other options to where she can fully enjoy sex again?


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Sex in marriages ebb and flow. At te beginning, we did it a lot. After our first child, things returned to normal. But after the second baby, my wife's libido bottomed out for a good decade. 

Now it has returned and we're on a great streak. Last night, this morning and we've already discussed more for tonight. 

Take the good with the bad.


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## amorous_1 (Nov 29, 2010)

LastUnicorn said:


> If she claims with certainty that its the pill, I'd hear that as she doesn't know or doesn't want to tell you what she's really thinking.





> Maybe she is bored & not wanting to say anything because she doesn't want to hurt your feelings? When is the last time you two tried something new? If nothing else new things or talks about fantasies will broaden both of your horizons.


This is something I thought about. If it is the case then she is not being truthful with me. I've asked her more than once and I get the same answer about the pill reducing her sex drive. I am careful about my approach and have made it pretty easy for her to level with me on this. If she isn't telling me something I'm not sure what else to say to get her to speak up.


> If this question were in reverse, and a woman in this situation posted this about her husband you'd hear a chorus of:


Of course those scenarios went through my mind particularly the boredom issue. I have asked and although she has mentioned the fact we are in a bit of a routine right now she seems doubtful that is the reason for the slacking off in her drive. Again have asked more than once here.


> Just another opinion here, could be way off base but? If it IS the pill, why not explore other options to where she can fully enjoy sex again?


Next time she and I have a talk I will bring this up. Will look into it.


TrustInUs said:


> Don't put too much pressure on yourself unless it starts to happen more times than not.


More times than not she does not climax.


> For me, many times I just love feeling close and connected to my husband so I don't have to climax.


As does she and I think that is where she gets some of the pleasure out of the experience. Regardless of if she reaches climax.


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