# I had an EA and need advice



## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

I am not sure where I should post...I am a 33 year old woman and deeply in love with my husband. He started using pain killers and became addicted to them for over a year and pout us in dire financil strain as we own our own business. We still 2 years later struggling with this off and on. And more than ever are going week to week to keep our business and household afloat. Anyways the addiction I didnt become aware of until after a year in. another year went by and I made the stupidest decision I could ever had mad....I started talking to my ex husband (a little background he and I married when I was 16 as I was pregnant and we also had a second child when I was 21 but he was on probabtion had a drug issue and I stuck by him, although cheating as he was in prison I cheated he got out then went back I re met my current husband who I went to jr high school with and fell deeply in love with. We divorced and I married my current husband and we terminated my ex husbands parental rights and he adopted my two sons as he raised them at ages 4 yr and the other was 18 months. ex husband got out then we found out went in again and stayed for two years. I believe he got out in 2011 fall.) my oldest son had some troubles and contacted him and I was made aware. I started talking to him strictly on phone and texting as me and my husband were distant. It is not justifiable. I should NEVER had made that choice. In my mind because of the 2 years of lies my current husband had put me through the horrible fights and decption I made it okay I suppose in my mind. So in march two weeks after I ended the phone calls and texts my current husband looked through our phone records and told his family. Without even telling me he spent $2100 on a lawyer and because I had come home and our phone records were laid all over the living room and highlighted my exes calls, I went and filed as well another $3000. He took our kids with his mom and went to Missouri then begged me to come and later I found out he told his family I followed him. Anyways that was a mess we fought. Two days later he came back said he wanted to make it work. Then I was arrested for a DWI and he found additional messages that had happened during same time period and he met with his ex girlfriend that has always been an issue over things I have heard from her that he cheated before we got married. Anyways. Every few weeks we have horrible fights as I feel he isnt interested in me and pulls away. He constantly says he cant help but think about this and its not like he can quickly get over it. I do not know how to prove or make this better. My question is for those who have been on his side of things what can or has your spouse done to make you feel better and rebuild your marriage. I hate what I did, it didnt mean anything close to what he thinks I never had a PA but he thinks I may have.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Let me add I love my husband despite the lies and deception he has done to me, said horrible things, lied to his family etc. Me and him have a connection I could never feel with anyone. I love him and will do anything to save this. Its been since March since he has known and every fight (some bad words that hurt to the core) ends up about me doing this. I need advice!!!


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Holy crap.

Ok.

Ummm...you say "Its been since March since he has known and every fight (some bad words that hurt to the core) ends up about me doing this".

Well...that's cuz you DID that. Have you shown the guy remorse? Have you shown him that you love him and given him access to your phone and email and facebook if you have it?

He doesn't trust you. Heck. Your post says to me all of ya's need to be single. But there's a poor kid stuck in the middle of all this.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> Holy crap.
> 
> Ok.
> 
> ...


Yes I have given him this access and please keep in mind there were lots of lies from his side and he even got "me back" by taking our two biological children with him to meet his ex that has cause problems for a while. I just figure I deserved that but tht hurts me too. And his prescription pill use was an ongoing lie he use so much money and I still stood by him. But yes I have cried allowed full access to my phone and Facebook everything
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I hate to sound like an a$$, but I'm gonna give ya what I see from this side of the computer screen.

Between the drug use, DWI's and prison stuff...all of ya's need to grow the hell up. 

There are kids stuck in the middle of all your crap. Lies, betrayals and everything. Where do you think those little kids are gonna get their ideas about life?

You guessed it. From all of ya.

Go do a mirror check right now. Seriously. GO and LOOK in the mirror at yourself and say out loud what you see.

Do you see a mother who is doing everything in her power to take care of her children? Do you see someone that those little ones are gonna look up to one day and say, "I really, really love you for all you have done for me."

THAT is what your focus needs to be on right now.

Not some ex husband or even a current husband if none of ya can get your sh-t straight.

I'm sorry for being blunt on ya, sister. But it seems someone needs to be.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> I hate to sound like an a$$, but I'm gonna give ya what I see from this side of the computer screen.
> 
> Between the drug use, DWI's and prison stuff...all of ya's need to grow the hell up.
> 
> ...


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

I can add so much more but didnt want it to turn into a novel...He has and gets so angry says mean things (not in front of children) I just want to be happy again all of us, our sex he never initiates, I complain the spark is gone and he says he feels horrible, his ego is blown, he feels like a piece of crap that his wife did this, he feels like I am not being honest and doesnt believe I really love him an says I complain about him. But I complain because I want his affection his attention, to feel special to him?? We went to therapy a few times but stopped and I do have a family therapist as well. 
[Edit] [Reply] [!!]
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

"Yes at the time in march when he found out he confronted me with his family and the children were aware that we split. We however have not fought further in front of them as if he wants to discuss any of this it's always late at night or if they are at my fathers. The DWI is getting dismissed as I have narcolepsy and was not drinking. I had started a new medication with my doctor for depression and anxiety as well. He has been in NA for a while so that has been put to rest but why I was even bringing it up is because it was so off and on again that I still have issues trusting he won't do that again. He stayed away for a while while getting treatment so the children were not aware an we told them he was helping some relatives in another state that we had. I do love my children they are smothered with love and even in our deepest despair we put on a happy face in front of them."


I know this is gonna sound crass, but who's working? Who's got a job? This is kind of important to my next "advice".


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

We own a business together so at the moment we are able to stay home as the summer is a down time it's 50-50
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> I can add so much more but didnt want it to turn into a novel...He has and gets so angry says mean things (not in front of children) I just want to be happy again all of us, our sex he never initiates, I complain the spark is gone and he says he feels horrible, his ego is blown, he feels like a piece of crap that his wife did this, he feels like I am not being honest and doesnt believe I really love him an says I complain about him. But I complain because I want his affection his attention, to feel special to him?? We went to therapy a few times but stopped and I do have a family therapist as well.
> [Edit] [Reply] [!!]
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, hell, sister...I've said some pretty vicious stuff to my wife, Regret on the forums here. It's just what happens when one has been betrayed. It ain't an easy thing to try to get over. Yeah, his ego is blown! Yeah, he feels like a piece of crap because of what you did to him! That's honest feelings talk right there and he's got every right to feel that way as a betrayed spouse.

You NEED that family therapy if you truly want to stay a family. However, BOTH of you gotta want it.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

regretfullyhis said:


> We own a business together so at the moment we are able to stay home as the summer is a down time it's 50-50
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate to say it, but I had a feeling that's what was gonna be kind of the answer.

See, when ya own a business like such...say, being an independent contractor or something like it, there is too much down time. It seems for you two that down time = bad stuff time. Ya got too much time on your hands. Bad stuff happens during that time, doesn't it?

Does HE want to stay married? Do YOU want to stay married? Like seriously married. Not the Sons of Anarchy type crap or the other variety of TV shows. I'm talking being together and loving each other and bringing up your children the way they f'ng deserve. Do ya's?


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

That's the thing I get mixed feelings from him one day he agrees he has done thins that have been horrible to me and glad I stuck by him then the next day he can't quit thinking about wht I did. 
I am sure a lot of other betrayers says what I am fixing to say but I really didn't feel anything for my ex. Yes we talke about what may have been but I told my ex that I felt he and I were just young love and me an this husban that's my soul mate. I was lonely and needed someone to hear me. Although I admit and fully understand no matter what happens in your marriage never go to an outside person. But I can't take it back and he thinks it was so much more than what it was
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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Yes I do!! An you hit it right in the nail it is a lot of time together and seems like tht is when the discussions happen. He says e does want to stay married and does lie me but cannot forget and feels like he can't trust me with any man and always wonders if I am not getting what I need from his as I said our sex life and my emotional needs are met but he just says I need to realize its gonna take him time and he can't just forget
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Well, then he has told you what he needs to heal from your affair. You cannot rush him. You just cannot ask him to do something impossible. He NEEDS time and he definitely will NOT forget. He can heal and he may even forgive. However, he will never forget.

Let him go to counseling alone to deal with this. Quite honestly, you are gonna be the one in the holding pattern.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

He always uses my looks says every where we go now he sees all these men looking at me. I of course don't see it but he says it. I am 33 5'5 127 and run so I am slender but to me I look old and hell I never notice anyone but him!!
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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

What do u mean holding pattern? And what do u mean he has said what he needs? He says he has no idea how I can make him trust me and thinks about why I would do that but I can't make him believe it wasn't like he thinks! As I said I told the ex husband I really am in love with my husband and although we needed closure it wasn't worth this at all
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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

He said he wants to stay married but that it's gonna take him some time. He may not be able to express exactly what he needs, but that basic desire HAS been told to you.

As for you being in a holding pattern...basically, I'm telling you that you're on HIS time frame. However long it takes HIM to heal from this, if you agree that you want to work things out...well, sister, you're gonna have to wait for him to heal.

The old saying "If ya can't do the time, don't do the crime"...well, that applies to your EA with your ex old man.


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## regretfullyhis (Aug 12, 2012)

Ok thanks for the explanation. I am so upset because I want to make love to my husband all the time (his sex drive has always been lower than mine) and I guess up until our disagreement late last night I wasn't thinking things from his side because I was mad at would say why am I the only one putting effort into this relationship i am initiating all the sex and he refuses sometimes leaving me rejected and sad, I am the one who kisses him all the time hugs him tells him I lie him 1000 times a day and now I have nothing to do with his family as he tells them everything and even made up some things that I don't even think they deserve the truth from my side as I am not married to them. He is responsible for alt of things gone bad as I am. I just made the worst decision I could ever make. I also didn't think if he ever found out it would be so horrible to him that he has taken such drastic measures like idling for a divorce with in the hour of seeing the phone bill. Other than lettin him see phone records fce book and leaving my phone constantly unlocked he always wants to talk about why and I must have wanted my ex or he thinks I physically cheated but I explained to him web of I ha wanted to meet my ex he was 7 stars away working during that time.
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