# What are porn 'dates'? Cheating??



## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

While installing a program on my husbands computer for him I had to find a certain website address I needed to finish installing it. So...I went to his history to find it as I knew that would be the easiest access. What came up about knocked me down. It was several porn sites, one called "X-Dating", and another called "Adult Friend Finder". We have both agreed that watching porn is healthy and fun and if it was only that, no problem...but these other sound like they are one on one live, and if that's the case we have a real problem on top of all the other ones I am dealing with. 

Has any of you ever heard of these sites-and if so, can you provide any info?


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> While installing a program on my husbands computer for him I had to find a certain website address I needed to finish installing it. So...I went to his history to find it as I knew that would be the easiest access. What came up about knocked me down. It was several porn sites, one called "X-Dating", and another called "Adult Friend Finder". We have both agreed that watching porn is healthy and fun and if it was only that, no problem...but these other sound like they are one on one live, and if that's the case we have a real problem on top of all the other ones I am dealing with.
> 
> Has any of you ever heard of these sites-and if so, can you provide any info?


Not sure about "X-Dating"... but I can say that "Adult Friend Finder" spams their site A LOT. 
I get popups from that site even when I merely go to a crazy videos site. I wouldn't sweat that.

If you're not certain, go purchase a keylogger and find out for sure what his surfing habits are.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

they are hook up sites.

not sure they would show up in your browser history if it was spam and most pop up windows are blocked by your browser.
if there are profiles from the sites in the history, he has been there on his own choosing.

iagree with cantthink, get a keylogger just to be sure.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The main question is do you trust your husband ?

I go to all sorts of sites because I am curuious about what other people are up to and I want to see what kind of pictures they have.I think those are both pay sites so just check your credit card bill.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

My husband is much too smart to use his credit card. He would buy a prepaid visa first. 
To answer your question-yes, I do trust him to not outright cheat, but not so much when it comes to one on one live cyber sex. We have both agreed that sort of behavior is downright cheating. In HIS WORDS...."If you have a happy ending with someone live-either on the phone or computer or real, it's cheating". 

What would a key logger show me exactly?


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> they are hook up sites.
> 
> not sure they would show up in your browser history if it was spam and most pop up windows are blocked by your browser.
> if there are profiles from the sites in the history, he has been there on his own choosing.
> ...


Yes..it was typed into his web browser, not just a spam popup.
I might add it was last week while I was out of state.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

The adult friend finder site does let you in to look at pictures after you sign up for free so he might not have ben having live sex chat he could have just been curious.You sound pretty open minded so why not try something different, when you are on your computer call him over and say this site just poped up it looks intresting so do you want to take a look with me and see what his reaction is.


I think when people start talking about keyloggers on here it means the trust is gone and without trust why be togather.
I have never heard of a keylogger until I got on this site so I guess it stores the info on every site a person has went to.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If you click on a link and it goes to a site, that would show up in your browser as if you had manually typed the link in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> What would a key logger show me exactly?


A keylogger shows everything that is typed in at the keyboard. If he has any secret email accounts, you'll get the user name, password, etc. 

Many keyloggers also take screen shots, track the web pages a person goes to and shows what they are doing on each site.

Some capture every email in email accounts.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Sorry, but this whole line of thinking bothers me. If he's into porn, he can download a thousand porn movies from the net. If he's into mags, interactive mags, etc. there are thousands of those. Adult Friend Finder is exactly what it says. A place to meet "adult" friends. Just like "adult" movies. You don't get charged by them unless you are using their site or sign up for their service.

You sign up, and you get lots of "matches", meaning they who want to meet up and have the same kind of sex you like.

Like a poor mans ****** *******.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> While installing a program on my husbands computer for him I had to find a certain website address I needed to finish installing it. So...I went to his history to find it as I knew that would be the easiest access. What came up about knocked me down. It was several porn sites, one called "X-Dating", and another called "Adult Friend Finder". We have both agreed that watching porn is healthy and fun and if it was only that, no problem...but these other sound like they are one on one live, and if that's the case we have a real problem on top of all the other ones I am dealing with.
> 
> Has any of you ever heard of these sites-and if so, can you provide any info?


Yes, unfortunately you have a problem. These sort of sites are for, shall we say, adult matching of real people who intend to hook up for sex. Whether he acts on it or not, the potential is there. I found such sites on the history of my own WS's computer. My own WS joined several sites such as this, and his cell phone records also indicated that he had lengthy phone calls with several women on a regular basis that he "met" from the sites he visited.

Any other behavior (phone usage, unaccountable time away from home etc.) that you have noted as well?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

as other posters stated you can get this into the internet browser history by a pop up, AFF uses many porn sites to advertise as it hits a core demographic (get foolish horny men to pay for such a site, AFF is a huge ripoff)


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> While installing a program on my husbands computer for him I had to find a certain website address I needed to finish installing it. So...I went to his history to find it as I knew that would be the easiest access. What came up about knocked me down. It was several porn sites, one called "X-Dating", and another called "Adult Friend Finder". We have both agreed that watching porn is healthy and fun and if it was only that, no problem...but these other sound like they are one on one live, and if that's the case we have a real problem on top of all the other ones I am dealing with.
> 
> Has any of you ever heard of these sites-and if so, can you provide any info?


AFF has the most obnoxious amount of spam pop-ups on just about every damn porn site on the internet.

This is undoubtedly what you`re seeing. the x-dating site may be the same thing.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I met both my affair partners off of Adult Friend Finder. Not proud of it, but there you go. Your husband is very likely looking for one himself. There's lots of people on there who don't care about marital status of their "friends".

It's possible he's just looking at amateur porn on there, but even that's a very slippery slope. He's one email away from starting a relationship with a woman who's willing to show nude pics on the Internet and describe her sexual fantasies to strangers.

C


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Thank you all...some say it's no biggie because its just porn. While true-he has and does have several porn sites I know about. Watching movies is fine-I am bothered by the live sex thing. I hesitate to go to the keylogger route as that seems the ultimate invasion, but if he is looking at some kind of live hook up-whether in person, phone, or chat...better to know straight off.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Caligyrl said:


> Thank you all...some say it's no biggie because its just porn. While true-he has and does have several porn sites I know about. Watching movies is fine-I am bothered by the live sex thing. I hesitate to go to the keylogger route as that seems the ultimate invasion, but if he is looking at some kind of live hook up-whether in person, phone, or chat...better to know straight off.


You are in a marriage and you are concerned. A keylogger will prove he is innocent or prove what your gut is telling you. The keylogger will be for your peace of mind. Get over the invasion issue. It is not the "ultimate invasion".

If you find something what is your plan?


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> You are in a marriage and you are concerned. A keylogger will prove he is innocent or prove what your gut is telling you. The keylogger will be for your peace of mind. Get over the invasion issue. It is not the "ultimate invasion".
> 
> If you find something what is your plan?


 I haven't quite thought that far in advance yet, but truthfully-if he has hooked up this way, I am gone. 

So...how does one go about getting a keylogger?


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Not sure about those sites as I've never visited them and have no intention of doing so. They sound like "hook up" sites at worst, and possibly interactive video with someone else at best. That is not good. When "viewing porn" turns to some form of sexual interaction with another live person, a serious line has been crossed. Slippery slope from there, and just wrong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband was on AFF to get sex. What he got was scammed.

You can tell from the history if he's actually going to the site or if he's just the victim of a pop up. If he's visiting the site there'll be a whole list of hits on it one right after the other.

Of course if he's deleting history, this doesn't work.

I wish I had known about keyloggers before D day. When I found what I did I could have put one on his laptop. Not that I needed more proof than what I DID find, but it would have been nice to verify his claim that he never actually met up with anyone.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

here's a question-

when you look at the history does the site show up once and then no more pages are visited?

if so then it's very likely it's a pop up while he visited a run of the mill porn site

if there is several pages visited then he's browsing around the site, you would even see the login page, profile pages, etc


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> here's a question-
> 
> when you look at the history does the site show up once and then no more pages are visited?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

True and good point. As one travels along a given site, each page becomes another "history" page that was visited.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> here's a question-
> 
> when you look at the history does the site show up once and then no more pages are visited?
> 
> ...


:iagree: Yeah, that's what I meant 

How computer savvy is he?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if was hiding it I would think he would delete every mention of the site- even if he missed one of the pages by accident you can cut and paste it into your browser and visit it and see if it is an ad or a page on the site he visited


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You are splitting hairs here. Yes, you need to find out if its a pop up or a site he uses often. But still. Adult Friend Finder? This is a no strings sex matching service!

The difficult thing for me is that "run of the mill" porn sites now have these kind of hookup sites pop up all over the place. AFF, F**kbook, etc. Porn and cheating are becoming harder to distinguish and the target audience is already raring to go, so to speak.

Your H should not be "curious" about these sites. And he should not be explaining them away as "porn". They are hookup sites. Places to find compatible sexual partners. The live thing that doesn't cost? That is just a way to interview prospective mistresses, IMO.

There is a TON of porn on the net. You don't need to be going to dating services. If he's graduated to live sex sites? The next step is in person. Sorry.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

of course LWC, if he is visiting these sites (and not merely getting pop up ads from his porn) then he is most certainly crossing a bounary


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Thank you all...some say it's no biggie because its just porn. While true-he has and does have several porn sites I know about. Watching movies is fine-I am bothered by the live sex thing. I hesitate to go to the keylogger route as that seems the ultimate invasion, but if he is looking at some kind of live hook up-whether in person, phone, or chat...better to know straight off.


Just a note on the key logger or hacking into a computer. 

If the computer is in your name only or both your names, and is used by both of you regularly, a key logger is legal. 

Hacking into a passworded account is not. 

If the computer belongs to him only, the key logger might be considered a criminal act because of the privacy invasion. 

So, ensure he doesn't find it. 

The same goes for programs that check iPhone texting. 

If it is your phone, it's legal. If it is his phone, it is considered a crime to put anything that can invade privacy onto a smart phone.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Just a note on the key logger or hacking into a computer.
> 
> If the computer is in your name only or both your names, and is used by both of you regularly, a key logger is legal.
> 
> ...




Is there such a thing as invading your spouse's privacy? I mean in the legal/criminal sense? How could he possibly press charges?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Is there such a thing as invading your spouse's privacy? I mean in the legal/criminal sense? How could he possibly press charges?


Yes. 

I was told by an attorney that the fact that my husband hacked into passworded email accounts is a crime. He can be charged and prosecuted.

If you both own the computer or if you both use it regularly and it's set up for you both to use, it's difficult to claim privacy invasion with a key logger. 

If, however, you each purchased and own your own computer, it is consider a criminal act to use key loggers or spying equipment. 

The same goes for a gps tracker on a car. 

If the car is co-owned, no crime is committed by putting one on a car. 

If, the car is owned by the cheating spouse and not shared, a case can be made that the faithful spouse invaded privacy by installing a tracker on a car they do not own.

Lastly no matter who owns the computer, hacking into a passworded email account, is still hacking. Hacking is a crime.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I was told by an attorney that the fact that my husband hacked into passworded email accounts is a crime. He can be charged and prosecuted.
> 
> ...


True and not true. There are not many cases where a spouse goes after the other one for these sorts of things. Yes there are cases where the spouse won but they are not common. If the computer is common use and I would say if both spouses get on, even if one gets on a very little amount then it will be considered common use.
If it was bought with a join credit card or bank account I would consider it jointly owned. My opinion and not legal advice.

There are good keyloggers out there, depending on what you want to track some will even track both sides of a FB chat. In your case I would look at the top ten, link below.

Computer Monitoring Software


For me, I would be damn*ed what was legal and what wasn't in these matters. My wife can sue me, but she does not want to leave me so whe won't.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Yes.
> 
> I was told by an attorney that the fact that my husband hacked into passworded email accounts is a crime. He can be charged and prosecuted.
> 
> ...


While I believe that you were told this by some attorney, I still find it extremely hard to believe that such an action between a married couple could be successfully prosecuted.

For example, both H and W living together in the same household and pooling resources as a couple. One purchases a laptop, presumably out of their own earnings and not marital funds? One spouse puts a keylogger into that computer, and that person finds out. Calls the police? Charges this "invasion of privacy" against the spouse? "Scene of the crime" being their own home that they share together? Accused "spouse" hacked into W's email account? Prosecutable crime?

In other words, what your lawyer is trying to convince you of (which isn't true) is that a married couple, living together and pooling resources can charge the other with a crime against "property" and actually get the spouse a criminal conviction? 

Same with the vehicle. One could question whether the other spouse has access and/or has ever used the others vehicle, and is there an implied understanding that, although titled separately, they use the vehicle (or computers) as marital property.

My hunch is that the attorney you spoke with was blowing smoke.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

I agree with the other replies, AFF is no problem, it pops up constantly if you visit any free porn site. Havent heard of the other but Id bet it is the same kind of spam.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The massive amount of links to these types of sites, not to mention FREE LIVE SEX CHAT NOW and the like, are why we stick to Forum magazine and DVD's.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

To answer your question Cali; Webwatcher is about the easiest to use and fairly invisible once set up. It will capture every keystroke he makes as well as take pictures of the sites he visits. It costs something like $80 and you can log on to the site to see what is going on from essentially any computer. You can also google keylogger and see a host of offerings.

From my own experience, these sites pop up for me on my email account all the time. I also don't think they are really online sex kind of sites. I think they are match dot com for sex, meaning actually getting together.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Wow...so much info. First let me say thank you! OK-is he computer savvy...to a degree. He has me set up and do all maintenance-stuff like that, but yes he does know most 'tricks'. Secondly, he is using MY computer-so what are the legal lines on that one? He destroyed his own laptop several years ago. I said he could use mine from "time to time". That turned into all the time so I just gave it to him. I take care of the firewall and such on all the computers we have. He does not erase his history-which is how I found that stuff in the first place.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

As it's YOUR computer you won't have any legal problems.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Nice...so can I hear from anyone who actually USED a keylogger? Whats involved in set up-maintaining and observing, and how does it interact with the firewall..meaning will my Norton pop up and tell him its on there?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Wow...so much info. First let me say thank you! OK-is he computer savvy...to a degree. He has me set up and do all maintenance-stuff like that, but yes he does know most 'tricks'. Secondly, he is using MY computer-so what are the legal lines on that one? He destroyed his own laptop several years ago. I said he could use mine from "time to time". That turned into all the time so I just gave it to him. I take care of the firewall and such on all the computers we have. He does not erase his history-which is how I found that stuff in the first place.


If he is computer savvy, he will find a keylogger.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> If he is computer savvy, he will find a keylogger.


*sigh* darnit. Well, besides using that-I can log into his computer when he is not here, but that only shows so much.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Another big pop up ad you would see if he is visiting porn sites is "creative live jasmin" these pop up behind the site you are on..

if you see the dating sites in the history, click on them and they will tell you if he went any further than the main screen,,,if he searched , it will show you , if he went to the subscribing page, it will show that too.. etc.

And unless he suspects, or is very good with computers, he will more than likely not find a keylogger as long as you set it to be "hidden",, it will only pop up with you typing in the "key code",, you can even have all his activity sent to your email.(unless he has access),, but if it's your computer, and you have time to look through it with him not around, you won't need to do that.. If you purchase one, just make sure you go back through your browser history and delete all files from it.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well if he was very computer savvy and cheating he would have visited AFF by using "private mode" of the browser

so I really think it is unlikely he visited AFF other than having a pop-up

even if he is a computer geek he would have to look for the keylogger to know it is there (you would need to delete the traces of downloading it in the browser history and in the download history as well)


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Do you have access to his email? 

If so, you can also check his spam mail. If he is signing up at these porn sites or dating sites, he will start getting a lot of spam from them. 
If he is just visiting the porn sites and having the pop ups, and he doesn't "register" with them... they wouldn't have his email to send it to.......


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

So if you find something with a key logger what are you going to do next ? How would you feel if he put a key logger onyour computer and you found out later.

Why not sit down with him and and say I do not mind you looking at porn BUT this kind of porn really really hurts me and makes me afraid for our family and get emothional [not in an angry way] so he can see its tearing you up inside..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

I think you are misunderstanding dubbizle

AFF is NOT porn, it is a hook up site for NSA sex

now, I don't think OP's hubby actually created an account by the sounds of it but if she flat out asks him if he had then he will most certainly lie to her if he did.


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## dubbizle (Jan 15, 2012)

I have been on the site and people do post pictures of themsleves having fun and you don't have to hook up with anybody you can just look and leave which is what I did.There could be two different versions of AFF one more adult then the other I don't know but the one I saw did have porn stuff.

I am going to go with him hopefully being a honset guy when confronted,he might not be but why not try and talk it out first and she can put her feeling out there. I know if my wife put a keylooger on anything the trust would be gone.If she felt later on he was still not telling the truth then go with the keyogger or I guess she could put it on before and after the talk.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Another big pop up ad you would see if he is visiting porn sites is "creative live jasmin" these pop up behind the site you are on..
> 
> if you see the dating sites in the history, click on them and they will tell you if he went any further than the main screen,,,if he searched , it will show you , if he went to the subscribing page, it will show that too.. etc.
> 
> And unless he suspects, or is very good with computers, he will more than likely not find a keylogger as long as you set it to be "hidden",, it will only pop up with you typing in the "key code",, you can even have all his activity sent to your email.(unless he has access),, but if it's your computer, and you have time to look through it with him not around, you won't need to do that.. If you purchase one, just make sure you go back through your browser history and delete all files from it.


You can discover a keylogger in more ways than having it pop up. Simple ways that non-techie users can employ. Like viewing all the processes currently running, for one, or the error logs. 

The issue here seems to be finding out if he is really a user of these sites instead of inadvertently having them show up because it was an "innocent" pop-up or pop-under.

I, for one, did not know that the average porn site now has several ads for sites aimed at finding sexual partners. If he's visiting porn, these will be in his history.

You simply need more information, but I can see all kinds of things going wrong for you if you are not familiar with installing tracking software. And the fact that you are posting here asking questions indicates to me that you are not.

Is there some other way you could get to the truth?

What is your goal in the end? What if you find out he is a member of one of these sites? Would that be a dealbreaker for you? How are you dealing with all this emotionally? Are you OK? It can really takes its toll on you. Please take care and keep posting.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Adult Friend Finder is a " Hook up " site. They are active in the Caribbean also.
He should NOT be on that site even if you are ok with his porn surfing.
There are other site that facilitate " hook up " types of activity with no strings attached.

Trust your gut feeling.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

You all make valid points. Here's the dilemma-I don't really want to go the keylogger route. I want so much to trust that he would never do that-BUT-my hubby has BPD, and if I were so much as to even ask, he would get all defensive and we would have WW3.
So, having said that, I thought I would just lie low and 'watch' for a bit. I did go back a month in history. There were many porn sites, x-dating-the inside page said "your account has been deleted per your instructions", (yes I printed it), one person in particular being searched for-a porn star I guess, and that Adult Friend Finder-with some inside pages. 
What to do with this info? If he is truly hooking up live-yes, it's a deal breaker. :-(


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Yes, survivor wife. Hacking under any circumstance is a prosecutable crime.

Putting a keylogger on a mutually owned computer or car is not. That is stated in my post. 

However if the car is owned by one person or the computer is owned by one person and bought with their funds solely a case can be made for invasion of privacy. 

If the case is not criminally prosecuted because it is considered low priority rather that deemed a serious crime, then it will be used against the person in divorce court to show that they too were willing to deceive their spouse. 

An attorney in divorce court will use the deceptive act against the faithful spouse. 

As for mutual assets, only items purchased after a marriage are considered marital assets. Anything purchased prior is not. 

Neither is a computer or a cell phone purchased by an employer considered a marital asset. It is owned by the employer.

In addition, cell phones and postal letters are bound by federal regulations and computers if hooked to a phone line may also be bound by the FCC regulations. 

For example you are not legally allowed to open mail not addressed to you under any circumstance. 

Will you be prosecuted. Not likely, unless the letter was address to the President in the USA.

In all cases of hacking criminal charges can be filed. In cases of invasion of privacy Criminal charges can be filed, for invasion of privacy depending on many circumstances.

But whether or not the District attorney will actually prosecute depends on your state or county's criminal caseload.

I am not opposed to doing so anyway. Just don't get caught or if you do be prepared for this to be used against you in divorce court and the vague possibility of a criminal charge. 

As for trackers anyone can claim invasion of privacy, whether or not you win the case is a different story. 

Still, the claim of invasion of privacy is a possibility. 

It is unlikely you can just call the police and they will file the charge against a spouse because it's a gray area right now, but an attorney may have more clout or may give better reasons for filing the charge.

No doubt getting a conviction will be difficult. But I am not talking about a conviction, only a charge.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Ok so there was more than just one line where AFF showed up in the history??

From the sounds of your last post, he's doing more than getting pop ups. My husband had multiple accounts on many hook up sites and deleted and added them frequently. And there is NO question that AFF IS a hook up site. 

Any way you can get hold of his bank account or credit card statements and see if there's any charges on them?

You could also post a screen shot of the browser history if you like, we could get a better idea of what's there then.

Maybe you could hide a VAR near the computer - if he's chatting or masturbating with someone maybe it would pick that up? Or hide a webcam so you can see what he's doing?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> If he is computer savvy, he will find a keylogger.


Yes, they are very easy to find as are trackers and VARs. 

Also a determined cheater will have a burn phone, a separate computer, hidden bank accounts and credit cards, a p.o. box, and may be savvy enough to not talk on the phone in the car.

Serial cheaters come to sites like these to learn how to cheat with out getting caught. 

The OW in my case was teaching my husband all sorts of ways to cheat without getting caught. 

Unfortunately somebody outed them anonymously.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

um, guys

he isnt even deleting browser history!!!

this guy isn't going to be searching for VAR's and keyloggers, he doesn't even think his wife is onto him at all!


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> um, guys
> 
> he isnt even deleting browser history!!!
> 
> this guy isn't going to be searching for VAR's and keyloggers, he doesn't even think his wife is onto him at all!


 True Almostrecovered-I do not let on that I know a single thing. If he were to use a credit card, he would buy a visa at 7-11 or whatever. I take care of all financials so anything like charges I would see first. BTW...VAR? What exactly is that-a camera of sorts?
It's like standing in front of a door....not exactly sure whats on the other side, but curious. Yep-there could be fire there, but is it better to know?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What do you mean, is it better to know?!?!?! If he's meeting up with women from AFF and having sex, you wouldn't want to know?!?! God only knows what diseases he'd be exposing you to. Ick.

VAR is voice activated recorder.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> What do you mean, is it better to know?!?!?! If he's meeting up with women from AFF and having sex, you wouldn't want to know?!?! God only knows what diseases he'd be exposing you to. Ick.
> 
> VAR is voice activated recorder.


 Hope..I'm not referring to physical sex-(which I don't believe he is doing at all because he's rarely gone by himself), but moreover cyber or computer or phone sex. 

Thanks for the definition.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

big red flag if there is an account on these sites. 
i gave up on the trying to type in the name of the site. If you google "life's short have and affair." You will see the site I am talking about. it's initials are AM. If your husband has a profile on that site. You will want to have a sit down chat about how is going to remove it immediately.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband was also rarely gone by himself, but there were two occasions where he went to meet up with these (fake) women that were scamming him. The only reason he didn't have sex was that they didn't show.

I often wonder how many guys that surf the internet for porn in secret actually just stick to the porn and NEVER click on any of the 'extras' that are available there just out of curiosity. I'll bet there are VERY few. How far they allow themselves to become immersed in it then becomes the question. And where is YOUR line?? If he clicks on a live webcam site and chats in a chat program with the girl there, is that cheating? If he does that once but then never again? What if he pays for the chat so he can see more of her naked? What if he pays for a private chat with her? 

And as for AFF - what if he just goes and looks? What if he sets up a profile? What if he pays to get the full features? What if he sex talks to people there? What if he agrees to meet someone? What if he actually goes to meet them? What if they have sex once? What if he does it again?

Each step is a tiny bit father 'in' if you will. Each time he goes one more step, it's easier to go one more.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> My husband was also rarely gone by himself, but there were two occasions where he went to meet up with these (fake) women that were scamming him. The only reason he didn't have sex was that they didn't show.
> 
> I often wonder how many guys that surf the internet for porn in secret actually just stick to the porn and NEVER click on any of the 'extras' that are available there just out of curiosity. I'll bet there are VERY few. How far they allow themselves to become immersed in it then becomes the question. And where is YOUR line?? If he clicks on a live webcam site and chats in a chat program with the girl there, is that cheating? If he does that once but then never again? What if he pays for the chat so he can see more of her naked? What if he pays for a private chat with her?
> 
> ...


Hope...there are no "what-if's". I don't do crap like that and I would have a zero tolerance for him if thats what he's doing. We have both already discussed and agreed that any part of anything other than just watching porn is cheating punishable by divorce. He actually is the one who said he would have to be out of his mind to cheat on me, so knowing what he said....I can't help but wonder if those were hollow words. 
What did your husband say-how did you find out about him and his tyrsts?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

My husband knew that if he wanted to look at porn on the computer we should be doing it together. Otherwise it was cheating. We had never discussed anything beyond that because frankly it wasn't even on my radar - I was so naive!!

I found out when I went to check my email on his laptop and he had forgotten to sign out of yahoo chat. The full story is in the link in my sig.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

A while ago I had a friend tell me how she caught her husband talking to people online when imconfided in my husband who was my fiancé at that time he was like wow what a douche etc etc... I thought I had a good man and he would never hurt me like that...fast forward into our first year of marriage I caught him while drinking trying to find hookups on craigslist... It does happen and they think you don't know... It was a rough long year of garbage like that and ended with me leaving to stay at my grandmas with the kids. Well a month later he had gotten help for his drinking and realize all the wrong he had done... Going on 7 months alcohol free and no probes with our marriage like we did. Granted there is a lot more details to this story but I am trying to point out that a man u think u know(he is my first love and I have known him almost half my life) can do the unthinkable ;(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Wow...yes, I truly know how they can change. Mine was the sweetest most romantic guy I knew. He convinced me to move 2000 miles away to start a new life together. As soon as we crossed the Rockies, it became an attitude of "I have her-now I can do or say whatever I please and she has to take it because she's stuck" That was 5 years ago. I may also add he has BPD which adds to the mix.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Wow...yes, I truly know how they can change. Mine was the sweetest most romantic guy I knew. He convinced me to move 2000 miles away to start a new life together. As soon as we crossed the Rockies, it became an attitude of "I have her-now I can do or say whatever I please and she has to take it because she's stuck" That was 5 years ago. I may also add he has BPD which adds to the mix.


That sounds just like my ex husband  I moved clear across the world on a promise that it would be better...It only got worst. Now with a move with my husband across the US within a year I am so anxiety filled thinking he is going to go back to old ways when we get out there as well.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

sculley said:


> That sounds just like my ex husband  I moved clear across the world on a promise that it would be better...It only got worst. Now with a move with my husband across the US within a year I am so anxiety filled thinking he is going to go back to old ways when we get out there as well.


 From what I have seen and been told...yes, he will revert. I truly am stuck here-for now-but looking at myself and my own future, I won't be making the long stay. What got him to change from the "old ways"?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

This thread is interesting. What do you want?

Do you want a husband who goes to sites like AFF to just look? What is he looking for? 

He's not deleting history much. But obviously he is, if you are finding pages that say "account deleted" yet no evidence of there having been an original account. You can easily delete history per line. I call this the fake-transparency-line-item-veto.

This discussion about hacking is also confusing to me. You can create a log for anything you want on your home network. This is not hacking. You own the machines. You set up the firewall. It belongs to you. Now if you are going to hack into his hotmail account then that is another system that does NOT belong to you. So that's different. 

However, you can monitor your home network. It is not a crime. It is called being an administrator. You could, for instance, make sure your modem is logging IPs.

I found out my H was doing this stuff and I locked down my development workstation. I refuse to let him use it because he got a porn virus on the main PC and I can't afford to lose another machine. You have a right to protect your home network if he is destroying equipment and not replacing it. Didn't you say he "destroyed" his laptop (mind if I ask how/why this happened?) and now has slowly commandeered one of your machines? 

Essentially, all this home network stuff is communal property because you are married, unless you have some machines that were a work requisition. A keylogger is in violation because you would be "secretly" entering all the accounts he does. IP logging is not a violation because you are only monitoring where your local machines are going without actually entering the accounts.

But it all seems a moot point in the end. I cannot stress enough that NOTHING is ever deleted until it is overwritten. And no matter how many installation files you erase, there will be a record somewhere. He may not be searching for it, but its there.

Sorry you are here.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> This thread is interesting. What do you want?
> 
> Do you want a husband who goes to sites like AFF to just look? What is he looking for?
> 
> ...


Thanks Lost Wife...well to answer your questions, he destroyed his own laptop because he got the "black screen of death". Or in other words-he had another temper tantrum. My hubby has Borderline Personality Disease which reduces the small amount of patience he has already to nearly zero. The passwords and such are ones I originally set up when the machine was mine. I realize I could raise any and all info, even if it was deleted-but I am not sure how. Also-I set up the firewall (norton) and installed our wireless modem and router but don't have a clue how to set it up to capture IP's. Any advice on that?

Truthfully I cannot imagine what he would be going to those sites for (other than to hook up), but I already have an excuse he would throw out-that he was looking up this cyber sex addicted friend of ours to see where he's been. Right.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> Thanks Lost Wife...well to answer your questions, he destroyed his own laptop because he got the "black screen of death". Or in other words-he had another temper tantrum. My hubby has Borderline Personality Disease which reduces the small amount of patience he has already to nearly zero. The passwords and such are ones I originally set up when the machine was mine. I realize I could raise any and all info, even if it was deleted-but I am not sure how. Also-I set up the firewall (norton) and installed our wireless modem and router but don't have a clue how to set it up to capture IP's. Any advice on that?
> 
> Truthfully I cannot imagine what he would be going to those sites for (other than to hook up), but I already have an excuse he would throw out-that he was looking up this cyber sex addicted friend of ours to see where he's been. Right.


Wow, OK doesn't sound like you'll get very far even if you DO know where he's going. After I got wise, my H destroyed the hard drive when I said, "Come clean right now or I am going to reverse delete the last 6 mos!" So, obviously, if you still have the machine, and its yours, you have all you need.

I would just log onto the modem and make sure logging is on, or find out how to do this for your brand. Type the numerical IP into your browser address bar, you'll get the modem's UI. 

You can also block access to sites from your modem using whatever family features it has, but it seems at that point, you have become the "mother' in the relationship.

Don't know how helpful this will be to you. Just trying to offer a solution to those BSs who are ethically, having an issue with keyloggers.

I used reverse delete to get to the truth of what my H was up to. Fragments of his half-overwritten sex sessions emerged. Then I confronted too early and he destroyed the drive the NEXT time I left the house. So, my advice is do not confront.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Wise advice. I do not plan on doing that until I can have real concrete evidence in my hands. He may have BPD-but he is smart and sly, so I have learned to be one step ahead before I say anything. Also-since he will never admit anything, he just gets defensive and tries...TRIES to throw the blame on me, IF I find anything concrete I won't say anything until I am ready to walk out if need be. 
Dammit-why can't guys just be happy with who they have chosen as a life mate???? ARRGH!


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

Also...I watch and wait....it's my best offensive move. Compile, watch, and wait. He does not suspect a thing.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

You've got a better handle on your emotions than I do, that's for sure. Just don't confront. My H and I are still arguing about it (him avoiding and blameshifting) because all I had was the fact that he was going to those kind of live hookup sites. And then went back. And then went back again. When I got to the October files (it was Jan. when I found out) my heart was completely broken and I confronted.

And even then he only admitted to the porn, at first.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> You've got a better handle on your emotions than I do, that's for sure. Just don't confront. My H and I are still arguing about it (him avoiding and blameshifting) because all I had was the fact that he was going to those kind of live hookup sites. And then went back. And then went back again. When I got to the October files (it was Jan. when I found out) my heart was completely broken and I confronted.
> 
> And even then he only admitted to the porn, at first.


Of course, they want to be guilt free-and blameless. They want cake and ice cream together without any repercussions-hence the blameshifting. Maybe my emotions say I don't care much anymore, I don't know. One can only handle so much abuse before our own defense mechanism kicks in. :scratchhead:


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Caligyrl, my thoughts are with you.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Caligyrl, my thoughts are with you.


Thank you...mine are with you as well.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I have seen that defense mechanism. You do care..more than anything because you just want them to be the same guys they were. They always find something to blame their behavior on....Stress, work...you.... The defense mechanism is you put a wall up so if they do try to hurt you the blow isnt as hard


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

sculley said:


> I have seen that defense mechanism. You do care..more than anything because you just want them to be the same guys they were. They always find something to blame their behavior on....Stress, work...you.... The defense mechanism is you put a wall up so if they do try to hurt you the blow isnt as hard


You're right Sculley..I truly do. He was so sweet, romantic and had the best facade I have ever een. It was so good in fact it caused me to leave my job of 20 years, my home, family and friends and move 2,000 miles away where now I am so isolated and alone I feel like a prisoner at times. This was supposed to be so wonderful.


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## Caligyrl (Feb 18, 2012)

@ Lost Wife Crushed...you mentioned using "reverse delete" several times. What exactly is that?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Active boot disk and other programs can still recover data off of nuke'd drives. It till be spotty but txt files are so small they usually can be recovered. I have recovered full length movies and such off of nuke'd drives. 
Unless he physically damages the drive, or he writes zero's to drive data can still be recovered. word of warning though that recovered data isn't in a nice folder by folder organization anymore. It could take some time to filter through it all.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Caligyrl said:


> @ Lost Wife Crushed...you mentioned using "reverse delete" several times. What exactly is that?


There are several programs you can use to restore data. Badbane is right, the data you get back is pretty fragmented. I did this and found several odd folders with numerical names. I opened up several of them and they contained spaghetti string type gibberish data.

Then bingo. The jackpot. SEVERAL half overwritten session cookies from live sex sites. They went back for months. I even found the local machine settings that showed the sound was being muted during about half of these sessions. Thats when I realized (by timestamp) that he was doing this after I fell asleep.

But, like I said, I am a web wiz type and know how to read data. But it was the intuition in me that led me there.

If you have Windows, there are literally hundreds of folders that store data, so you won't have to go that far. For example, the Prefetch folder will have installations left in it even if you delete all the temp files, etc. And that is only one of many.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

badbane said:


> Active boot disk and other programs can still recover data off of nuke'd drives. It till be spotty but txt files are so small they usually can be recovered. I have recovered full length movies and such off of nuke'd drives.
> Unless he physically damages the drive, or he writes zero's to drive data can still be recovered. word of warning though that recovered data isn't in a nice folder by folder organization anymore. It could take some time to filter through it all.


Agree BB. My H shoved a screwdriver in mine. I found this out by freaking out over him tossing it in the dumpster with all of our family info on it, like taxes, just to cover his tracks.


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