# Can't be a good sign



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Okay, so I finally got my husband to go to marriage counseling with me. I was very frustrated for most of the session, as he seemed to be using it has a personal therapy session (which I have been trying unsuccessfully to get him to do for months), and not focusing on our relationship, at all. That's when I took notice of my own posture. I was turned in my seat away from him. That's when I really started to think it was too late.

He has made a half-hearted effort, but says he doesn't know what to do. I have told him for nearly a year, that I need physical contact. Due to his condition, we don't have intercourse, but that shouldn't have prevented hand-holding, touching, kissing. There has been none of that for far too long. I have craved it, asked for it, and not received it. Now, I'm no longer sure that I want it from him. No, I don't have my eye on anyone else. He has become a friend, though, and that's all.

Last night, as I was changing for bed, I realized that I was uncomfortable with the thought of him seeing me naked. How long has it been since he's seen me that way? I don't even remember. I don't dislike him. I care for him as a person, and as a friend. I'm taking out a personal loan in my name only to pay for some upcoming surgeries for him. I just wonder if this will be his "going away" present. 

I don't even feel like a woman around him anymore. Just a pal. We have another appointment with the counselor in two weeks, as we'll be out of town all week next week for his surgeries. I'm going to try the exercises that the therapist gave us, because I don't want our son to be hurt. I just feel so lost. Any guidance or suggestions? We're going to be sequestered in a hotel room together for a week, thought I don't predict much intimacy, due to the procedures he's going to go through.


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## Nem10 (Apr 11, 2013)

I think ultimately the decision looks to be yours. Does he still want to be married? Has he said he would change?

I'm on the other side of this situation with my wife. She has withdrawn and we are about to go to our first counseling session this coming week. I got too comfortable and stopped being very physical with my wife. I have adjusted my diet and other things to break out of a bit of mild depression I was in and think she will really like the less depressed version of me.

It's interesting with women as it is like a light turned off overnight. She went from sending me texts that she loves me one day to sleeping in the other bedroom the next day. 

Like you, I wonder if it is too late. It's almost entirely up to my wife if she wants to be part of this family. Would it be possible for you to stop seeing him as a friend if he made a real effort? The friend switch with women is a very mysterious thing to men as we don't have that. It's almost like he needs to win you back but it sounds like neither your nor my wife are sure if that's possible.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Nem10,

I do think it's possible for the "friend switch" to be flipped. We spoke to the therapist and she recommended that we list the things that originally attracted us to one another to remind ourselves and one another. Then she said that he should "court" me. 

Prior to going to the therapist, I had made requests for increased intimacy for over a year with no results. He says he doesn't know what to do. I have given him specific examples of what he could do, but nothing really changes. He may make an effort for a day or so, but it never lasts.

Unfortunately, my husband says that he still loves me and that he doesn't want to lose me, but talking is all he seems to be doing. He makes a half-hearted attempt from time to time to hold my hand, but most of what I get is just empty words and unfulfilled promises. Our situation is further complicated by his physical ailments. 

He is my friend, and I don't want to hurt him, but how long must I continue to hurt in order to spare him? And what about our son? I honestly don't know which will hurt him more: staying in the relationship, or deciding to separate. Ultimately, my son's feelings are more important to me than my own. I simply don't know what to do.


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## Nem10 (Apr 11, 2013)

Would you be receptive to him if he suddenly changed his ways and acted the way you wanted him to act all this time? If he slowly changed his ways as to not seem too obvious? Is it still possible for him to "court" you?

I think if there is nothing that he can do to improve the situation you should probably consider a split.

I just hope there is a way I can "court" my wife back. It's a tricky situation for a guy as they want to give you your space and not seem needy/beggy but also want to show that they care and are attempting to change their ways.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Nem10,

I honestly think that if everything changed overnight, I would feel like he was doing things that would not be sustainable for him. A slower approach would seem more natural. Whatever is done, though, should be genuine and not forced, coming from a place of real emotion. Faking it out of fear or insecurity is destined for failure.

When we walk together, I would like him to take my hand simply because he wants to be near me and hold my hand. I don't want him to take my hand and look at me and say, "Is this what you want?" Essentially, I want him to want to rekindle our relationship. I don't want him to do it just to make me happy. Bottom line is that if he's not going to be happy doing it, it's not going to be worth it for either of us.


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