# Can anyone help?



## amIalone

My wife and I have been having issues. We lost our daughter at 5 months last January. I recently had caught her talking to another guy, but she has sworn to me that he is just a friend to vent to. I did catch her telling other people that she was unhappy and wanted to leave. I believe her that this guy is just a friend, and I’ve spoken to him and he wishes that things work out for us. She is in the military, and very stressed all the time. I tend to overanalyze stuff and be suffocating at times. I’m changing this, but find myself confused at times. She tells me to quit worrying, that she isn’t going anywhere. She says though that she doesn’t know why but it is hard for her to say I love you back to me. She says she doesn’t know what she wants, and she has a lot on her mind but doesn’t know what to do about it. She realizes that leaving won’t solve anything, but seems distant sometimes. I’m trying to find out what I can do…any advice, comments, or personal experiences would help. I almost think that her career is driving her crazy and she doesn’t know what to do. Even though I have my bad days as well, I do a lot to make her life easier in every way possible. She’s had two miscarriages in the last year and says she gave up on having kids, which I don’t believe because I see different in her eyes. Any suggestions? I know for a fact that she has ADHD, which is not my concern. I’m more worried that she has depression and it’s getting the best of her…and us.


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## F-102

Sounds like clinical depression-she MUST see a therapist.


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## amIalone

I have tried suggesting this, nicely too. Her mom made her go to therapy when she was younger and she literally despises it now. I don't know exactly why, but after our daughter passed away and her new unit found out they made her go. After a few sessions though, it wasn't mandatory and she quit on the spot. Every time that I even remotely mention it she says "I won't go to therapy." I'm trying to get our families involved but she doesn't even talk to her own mom much after we lost our child, so I'm not sure what I can do. I can't drag her there like her mother did when she was a child. She's very independent and at times I think she assumes that she can deal with anything herself. What we experienced though, as I try to tell her, is something that no human can prepare for and is never prepared to deal with. I want to help so bad but it seems I can't do anything to make her bite the bullet and accept it. I did go to therapy but my councilor had to go tdy to assist soldiers and I haven't spoke to her since. I did see progress in the times I spoke with her and I put in the effort and did all she asked....so I know that it can help.


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## DanF

We lost our daughter about a year and a half ago. It is a terrible thing and I am sorry for your loss.
Thankfully, my wife and I had ironed out our problems prior to her passing away.
Often, a marriage does not survive the loss of a child.
I told my wife (after our daughter passed) that we have to lean on each other now, more than ever. Divorce is not an option here. Since we just lost our baby, if I lost her then I would have nothing to live for.
Get in couples counseling immediately. The military has some great counselors and it's not therapy.
Do it for yourself if she refuses to go.


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## amIalone

Yes, it has been tough. I have heard that marriages can end because of a loss like this. I know there is more there than meets the eye. I always told her that if there was anything I did that bothered her to tell me, but I guess she held a lot of sh*t in for a while. That, on top of the fact that her unit puts her through so much crap, I think has created a lot of negativity in her mind. She's always so tired and stressed because of work that getting her to talk about anything when she comes home is impossible. If I do try, it just irritates her and no progress can be made at that point.


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## F-102

Talk to her commander-maybe he can help.


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## annagarret

Is she still in the states? My heart is bleeding for you and your wife. Don't give up......Don't ever give up...we have best friends who lost their daughter at 11, also OUR daughter's best friend to wilhms tumor. They are still together, Praise God. 
There is no easy answer to your question, except that you 2 are definately not alone. Please tell your wife that there is so much hardship in this life, I don't understand it, and it is driving me crazy also. First of all, my best friend calls me in 1998 to tell me her son has leukemia, he is 4. ok, I say we will pull together to get him well and he did. In 2007 he relapsed with it again. Only option was a bone marrow transplant from his 2 year old brother. Success!!! Then 10 months later, the mom, my best friend was diagnosed with stage breast cancer. She died Jan. 14, 2011. Sometimes life really stinks. The point is we all are hurting in one way or another, but life is very , very short. Make the most of it!!


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## amIalone

I am trying to work through it. She admitted to me on Thursday that he had cheated on me almost 2 months ago, but hasn't since because she feels bad and realizes it was wrong. It was with this "buddy" and after a brief chat with him I think he realizes that his face will cease to exist if they make contact again. This admission by her took place after I noticed a text on her phone that said miss u boo and wasn't to me. I confronted her and the apples fell out the tree. She says she isn't going to talk to him anymore, and I told her I'm not playing around. F-102, I've considered going to her command but I was concerned that it would set the brush afire and just make things worse. Especially with what I recently discovered. I can honestly say this. When I first met my wife, she wouldn't even give me her phone number because she had a boyfriend. So....her cheating is so unlike her character, she despises it. I seriously think there is something that needs addressed by a doctor. I can tell she is remorseful but I know that it won't fix everything alone......getting someone to go to therapy that detests it seems like trying to touch the moon though.


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## amIalone

And yes annagarret, she is still in the states. Why do you ask?


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## annagarret

Just because if you to two are still living together and not seperated by distance it would be easier to get professional help. Good Luck, I will pray for you and her.


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## annagarret

Oh I had another thought. Would she respond well to an intervention of close friends and family who are worried about her too?


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## amIalone

I'm not sure honestly. I did try to get family involved because she needs the people who care about her. I also found out that she did cheat on me once with this guy about 2 months ago, but that was it. She says she knows she made a mistake and seems to want to work things out. I haven't brought her command into it because she will face punishment, but recently a doctor she saw about health issues recommended she go to mental health, and then he could get her anti depressants. We've been doing better lately but I want to make sure it sticks. I am going to ask, being I know she has/had feelings for this guy if she loved him or ever told him she did. I don't know what she saw in him because she is the second married woman that he cheated on his wife with, if not more. She did speak to his unit and put out a no contact order, meaning he can't communicate with us in any way. This is a big step by her and shows me that she is trying. If she has any feeling about this other guy still, is there any advice anyone has as to how I should deal with them?


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## nickiej904

Oh amIalone! I am so sorry for your losses! Please remember, it's not all about her. For your marriage to work out, YOU need to process and grieve as well. Not just your daughter and miscarriages, but also the person your wife used to be, how you thought your life would go together, and her infidelity. 

If she has such a resistance to individual therapy, is she open to couples therapy? Or possibly going with you to help you? If those are still out of the question, will she read books about grieving? There have been rough times in my life where I probably should have been in counseling, but instead read read read and soaked up a lot of self-help books that really helped me do the processing I needed to on my own. I'm an indepedent one as well that thinks I should take care of myself, although I've learned to let others help me thanks to my husband who contantly tells me that sometimes it's okay to let others take care of you. She'd be giving you the gift of being her hero if she would lean on you. But you need to be whole to be effective at that. Show her by example. Maybe you already have?

Another idea might be couples retreats, like marriage renewal multi-day events where the two of you could off to work on your marriage. That could provide some enlightening inspriration for her, possibly both of you, for what she/you/both need to work on.

It really sounds like she has some things in her past that effect how she deals with things now, likely some self-worth issues. And believing she's not worthy of being a mom now would throw her back into the depths of believing she has no worth. It's utterly DEVASTATING to think that something that's happened serves to verify your lack of self-worth. Does that make any sense?


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## nickiej904

Another thought. I wonder if she leaned on someone else because she feels like a failure having let you down by losing your babies. I'm not saying AT ALL that she should feel like a failure. But even if she knows intellectually that she's not to blame, her heart likely feels otherwise. She may have felt that she couldn't lean on the one that she failed. I actually went through a grieving process of sorts after having my first child by C-Section. I felt like I failed as a woman, and it really got to me for awhile. I know in my head it didn't make sense and it probably sounds rediculous (and obviously doesn't compare to what she's gone through), but my heart felt something completely different and I was unable to help the way I felt. But my heart eventually caught up to my head as I worked through it.


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## Cheated Not Defeated

I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry to hear on top of that your marriage is unstable. Big Warning sign is that she admits cheating on you 2 months ago? You have to focus on yourself too - are you willing to spend your life in a relationship where trust is a constant issue? I can tell that you care deeply for your wife but once a person cheats they usually cheat again. If she's not happy, you're not happy and she refuses to get help and/or work on the relationship, you might want to let it go. 

Regardless I hope things straighten out for you. It's so hard to understand the reasons bad things happen. Blessings, love and light to you and your wife.


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## Cheated Not Defeated

I am so very sorry about your loss. What concerns me is that your wife had admitted to being unfaithful to you once. In my experience if they've cheated before they usually will do it again. I hope this isn't the case but you should consider this knowlege a huge warning that she may again be unfaithful to you. You've got to decide what's important. If she won't work on the relationship, won't talk with you, there comes a point when you've got to decide for yourself if you're willing to live like this. 

I hope things work out for you.


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## shangxingle

Why do you ask?


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## killyouli

The military has some great counselors and it's not therapy.


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