# Can't stop thinking about Co-Worker



## LostInCanada (Feb 5, 2018)

Hey Guys, 
I'm brand new here. In fact its weird but I never really thought about every doing something like this. I'm typically a very private person but I think maybe even just typing all this out will help me. That doesn't mean I don't want people to weigh in! Apologies in advance....this is going to be long.

A little back story. I'm 34 years old and I've been Married to my wife for 3.5 years. We've been together for 8 years total with a 1 year separation back in 2011. I love my wife. We were friends long before we dated and she was the woman who all other women were compared against. We bought our first house together 2 years ago and have a 4 year old dog together. No kids. She doesn't want them.

Professionally, I made what was the best move in my career a little under a year ago moving from a big consulting firm to a smaller one. I love the work, I love the people I work with, and generally am happy going to work every single day. We were acquired by a massive global agency in the fall and as part of the merger I was given a huge promotion. 

As part of the promotion I am working with a lot of different people, but specifically account directors in North America. One of them is only a couple years out of a masters degree so requires a little more direction than some of the senior staff. That being said she's brilliant. Doesn't hurt that she's also the kind of beautiful where you do a double take if you haven't seen her for a few days because you forget how attractive she is. Anyways, we're a global company with small offices all over the world. This girl happens to be in my office, meaning we work together more than most and she's at all company events. The consulting world sees a lot of client dinners and things of that nature so you generally spend a lot of time with your co workers even after hours. We've traveled to client sites a number of times together as well(Hotels, meals, airplanes etc). Typically we talk through email/i'm, but once you start traveling with people, cell and text is easier. 

Anyways the point is, this woman and I have been spending a lot of time together and while its mostly professional, we DO talk about things outside of the job and just generally shoot the **** and I've found myself having very strong feelings for her. I obviously haven't done anything about it, but the feelings are mutual. She'll come in early when I'm early and bring me a coffee(even though she doesn't drink coffee). Whenever we're out she always does a good job to make sure that I have a drink or something(doesn't do that with anyone else) and there are just a bunch of other small little things she's said. We have very similar interests so the conversation just always flows naturally and even when we are working now there's just that energy about it. I guess last week was the worst its gotten as she was out with her friends on Friday night and I was at a hockey game and we started texting back and forth. Nothing at all inappropriate, talking about work at first but then some silly office competition we're all in and then music and movies and really everything. Till about 3am.

I guess what I'm feeling is a TON of guilt. I don't want to feel this way. My wife and I aren't in the best state right now as it is(she changed her mind on children and its causing a lot of tension), so the last thing I need while I figure that out is this kind of distraction. On the other hand, and I can't believe I'm saying this, the connection I've felt with my co-worker has been amazing and I'm trying to think back to when I met my wife and I don't think I've ever had such a good time just talking to someone as I do with my co-worker.

Has anyone gone through something like this? I was thinking this might be something for professional therapy. I don't want to do couples counselling, but want to figure out what's wrong with me first.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

LostInCanada said:


> we DO talk about things outside of the job and just generally shoot the ****


And there's your problem. You shouldn't be doing that AT ALL.


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## LostInCanada (Feb 5, 2018)

Yeah you might be right. What I will say is that I'm like that with everyone though. Its a very friendly office.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LostInCanada said:


> What I will say is that I'm like that with everyone though. Its a very friendly office.


But you don't have "strong feelings" for everyone else in the office as you do for this particular woman, correct? There is friendly and there is friendly. Get my drift? 

Don't even consider having children right now, even if your wife has changed her mind. 

You need to take a hard look at why you are developing feelings towards another woman. And you need to take a big step back from this office friendship.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

LostInCanada said:


> On the other hand, and I can't believe I'm saying this, the connection I've felt with my co-worker has been amazing and I'm trying to think back to when I met my wife and I don't think I've ever had such a good time just talking to someone as I do with my co-worker.


You're basically on drugs like heroin now. It's like you took heroin and everything feels good. New relationships can create a euphoria that tightly bonds you to that new person. I'm sure everything about her seems wonderful, including gross stuff like the sound she makes when she sneezes. The reason you have a good time talking to her is because your brain is releasing tons of feel-good hormones that makes everything she says sound incredibly amazing. Plus, your brain is seeking an escape from the tension at home. I assure you that if you were in a relationship with this woman for a while, things would get just as ho-hum normal like it is with your wife.

Regardless of what you want to do going forward, you need to end it immediately and abruptly with her. This new relationship is clouding your thoughts and you'll make mistakes you regret later on. Think of yourself as being on heroin and you need to quit and stay clean. You can't just flirt a little bit or else you'll fall right back in. You may even need to consider leaving that workplace.


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## LostInCanada (Feb 5, 2018)

Correct. 

And I've actually started to do that re: stepping back. It's only today but I've basically tried my best to avoid her all day and it's been successful.

You hit the nail on the head with the "why" thing, which is what I'm trying to figure out and ultimately what brought me here :/


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You have 100% of the responsibility in this... just stop.

Infatuation like this will win you nothing but grief... put that effort into your marriage.

If you cannot, what values are you really offering the other person?


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

LostInCanada said:


> Yeah you might be right. What I will say is that I'm like that with everyone though. Its a very friendly office.


You had better start making some exceptions. You can be like that with the boys and perhaps with women you arn't even slightly attracted to. Attractive women should be off limits. Some will argue that attractive some men and women can be friends and nothing more. However even if that's true (which is debatable), it doesn't apply to you by your own admission, so you had better start setting up some boundaries or you are headed for trouble.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

LostInCanada said:


> Correct.
> 
> And I've actually started to do that re: stepping back. It's only today but I've basically tried my best to avoid her all day and it's been successful.
> 
> You hit the nail on the head with the "why" thing, which is what I'm trying to figure out and ultimately what brought me here :/


The cycle is going to go like this unless you bring up your issues with your wife and put in how much effort or conversation on what you want to do to make things better.

You are going to get the highs of this contact, you are going to go home and look at your wife with somewhat of disdain and it's going to be felt and she's probably going to return the coldness, then it's going to amp up and up until you have convinced yourself your wife is a bad person, doesn't get you and forced me into running into the arms of someone else. Trust me, the marriage doesn't have to go on like and with help it could get better and it doesn't have to go on at all but don't be the one of so many that take the easy way out and abandon logic, morals and heart to convince yourself you deserve more with someone else (while still in your current marriage).

This never ends well, especially for you and for the person you would betray that puts their trust in you.


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## LostInCanada (Feb 5, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> The cycle is going to go like this unless you bring up your issues with your wife and put in how much effort or conversation on what you want to do to make things better.
> 
> You are going to get the highs of this contact, you are going to go home and look at your wife with somewhat of disdain and it's going to be felt and she's probably going to return the coldness, then it's going to amp up and up until you have convinced yourself your wife is a bad person, doesn't get you and forced me into running into the arms of someone else. Trust me, the marriage doesn't have to go on like and with help it could get better and it doesn't have to go on at all but don't be the one of so many that take the easy way out and abandon logic, morals and heart to convince yourself you deserve more with someone else (while still in your current marriage).
> 
> This never ends well, especially for you and for the person you would betray that puts their trust in you.


Thank you. This resonated with me. I've actually been trying recently to spend more time with my wife as well and work through some of our issues. The kids one is big. We'd always wanted a family and she now doesn't and I think a large part of me is resenting her for that at the moment. I don't want to, but its something that's really bothering me and she's not budging on it. Even bringing it up starts a fight every time. 

The last thing I want to do is treat her with any kind of disdain or resentment and as unhealthy as this sounds I'm good at repressing/hiding my feelings, so I don't think she has any idea that anything is up. Generally, we ARE very happy. We just have a couple major issues I want to find a way to work around


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## SUCKA (Feb 5, 2018)

My wife and I aren't in the best state right now 

GEE I WONDER WHY ???? WTF


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## LostInCanada (Feb 5, 2018)

SUCKA said:


> My wife and I aren't in the best state right now
> 
> GEE I WONDER WHY ???? WTF


We've been working through things for far longer than this has been going on. Should have clarified.


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

Sometimes I wonder why people even write these things when they already "know" what they're doing is crappy and wrong. How would you feel if your wife was having the same "dilemma" with someone in her life? 

OP, shut it down. Work on your marriage, or work out of your marriage. Just because someone fresh out of grad school may need more 'guidance' doesn't open the gates for anything else unless you allow it to. 

That said, attractive-to-you people can be friends with you just as much as normal/unattractive-to-you can. It's all about boundaries and how you mind them. What are they supposed to do, just twiddle their thumbs while people not attractive to you get to talk about work and random ****? The only time I stop talking to people at work is if they make me uncomfortable by being: 1) shady/backstabby, 2) mooch-y, 3) harass-y, or 4) interested in me: because mama don't **** where she eats.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

LostInCanada said:


> Thank you. This resonated with me. I've actually been trying recently to spend more time with my wife as well and work through some of our issues. The kids one is big. We'd always wanted a family and she now doesn't and I think a large part of me is resenting her for that at the moment. I don't want to, but its something that's really bothering me and she's not budging on it. Even bringing it up starts a fight every time.
> 
> The last thing I want to do is treat her with any kind of disdain or resentment and as unhealthy as this sounds I'm good at repressing/hiding my feelings, so I don't think she has any idea that anything is up. Generally, we ARE very happy. We just have a couple major issues I want to find a way to work around


first, you need to decide whether you can be happy without kids. people here might disagree with me on this, but i believe that introspection through fantasy is a useful tool to understanding yourself. for instance, imagine you divorced your wife. imagine you married this woman and everything about her seems fantastic. then imagine that she told you one day that she knows you have always wanted kids, but she doesn't care, she does not ever want to have kids. that even if she were to accidentally get pregnant, she would have an abortion instead. 

let yourself get lost in the fantasy well enough to explore how you would feel when she tells you that. if it doesn't hurt, then you know that the disagreement about having kids is NOT your biggest issue. 

think about how you feel about your issues with your wife, and ask yourself why you feel that way. 

regardless, you should absolutely tell your wife what is going on. your wife cannot be a partner to you if she is kept in the dark.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Realize that if word of this gets out, you may lose your job. Maybe at this point HR would let things slide, but not if it keeps going on. If your wife or coworkers find out and tell HR, be prepared to be fired. They don't want the risk of any sort of sexual harassment claim. Even if you can keep a secret, there's no guarantee she won't (or hasn't already told people).


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

LostInCanada,
You have two choices here. 
A)If you feel like your wife sold you a bill of goods that wasn't what you got, i.e. not having kids after that was the plan, and that's a dealbreaker then get a divorce. At that point if you still want to risk your job, and your co-worker is still interested ( she might just like married men) then you can pursue her. Do it right, not while you're still married. At 3.5 years you should still be in the honeymoon phase with your wife, so if it's bad now, and not addressed it will only get worse.

B) Put all the energy that you are focusing on your co-worker into your marriage. You should fess up to your wife about the feelings for your co-worker, and tell her you want to make things good in your marriage. Probably wouldn't hurt to see a marriage counselor to sort things out.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LostInCanada said:


> We'd always wanted a family and she now doesn't and I think a large part of me is resenting her for that at the moment. I don't want to, but its something that's really bothering me and she's not budging on it. Even bringing it up starts a fight every time.


Years ago, I was friends with a couple who had this same situation. The husband was so adamant about not wanting kids, he had a vasectomy. Initially, his wife went along with this, but then she changed her mind. He was in his late 20s at the time, as was his wife. They divorced. She married a guy who was totally on board with her desire to have kids. She ended up remarried to that guy and about a year later they had a child.

JMO, but this is a deal breaker. One of you is going to end up resentful, angry, and regretting giving into the other. 



LostInCanada said:


> ... as unhealthy as this sounds I'm good at repressing/hiding my feelings, so I don't think she has any idea that anything is up. Generally, we ARE very happy. We just have a couple major issues I want to find a way to work around


Again, a DEAL BREAKER. Repressing or hiding your feelings from her doesn't mean you don't acknowledge them to yourself. Not good for a marriage. Uh, nope ... this isn't a picture of "very happy." This is a picture of two people having a big-time disagreement over a major marital issue, or as you put it "major issues." NO, YOU CANNOT WORK AROUND THINGS OF THIS MAGNITUDE.

Time to grow up, strap on a pair, and confront this head on, heated arguments or not. Yes, marriage is about compromise. If you decide you are willing to compromise on this, then fine. But don't start having "feelings" towards other women and meanwhile not facing issues with your wife.

NOT mature. NOT grown up. Time to man up. Sorry, but that's basically where it stands, like it or not.


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## BigDigg (Jan 11, 2018)

Two issues here that I see...

First you need to really examine your feelings on having kids (with your wife or someone else). You're getting towards an age (but not quite there) here you'll want to commit one way or another. It's a big fork-in-the-road item with huge long-term ramifications for what type of life you want to live. If you've always seen yourself as having kids then you'll likely face a lot of regret later if you don't. You only get to live one life. If it's important to you and you know your wife won't or shouldn't compromise then it's best to amicably part and look for someone who shares the same dream.

Second you need to really assess and understand the boundaries you set, what kind of person you really are and who you want to be. Maybe you never thought this would happen to you so you never seriously considered your approach with other women, however right now you've failed to protect your marriage and you're in a real pickle. The heart wants what the heart wants. If you're a decent moral dude then you'll suck it up, limit contact as much as possible and eventually navigate your career away from this person. And you'll want to really do some serious introspection and understand how to set appropriate boundaries so something like this doesn't happen again.

Right now every thought you have on your current wife and marriage is likely shaded and distorted by the two things above.

Best of luck....


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Double yoi!

If having kids is so important to you then kick your wife to the curb, tell her listen having kids is important and your changing your mind is a deal breaker.


I wonder if your wife is just as unhappyas you in your marriage. Maybe shes having an emotionl affair just like you.

Wouldn't that be ironic.

Even more would be if she has children later with her emotional affair partner.

And yours decides shes a career women who don't want kids.
.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LostInCanada said:


> Hey Guys,
> I'm brand new here. In fact its weird but I never really thought about every doing something like this. I'm typically a very private person but I think maybe even just typing all this out will help me. That doesn't mean I don't want people to weigh in! Apologies in advance....this is going to be long.
> 
> <snip>
> ...


 @LostInCanada, I've actually been thinking about your post and what to say for quite a while. I hope you do come back and read what has been written to you, and take the advice to heart (maybe with a grain of salt), because people here have taken time out of their day to care enough about you to say something. I will caution you that it's likely you may get some responses that are a bit harsh because this forum has some people who have lost marriages and families due to their partner being unfaithful. As you can imagine, for the "innocent" party, that kind of betrayal is devastating. Thus...just brace yourself that some of the replies may sound pretty tough, but that's usually because we're trying so hard to warn you of the MASSIVE DEVASTATION that lies ahead. 

So even beginning here, before you've even said a thing about having feelings or anything, I'll already give you a warning that you are setting yourself up for hurting your wife in the worst possible way. You are setting yourself up with a "work wife" but the trouble is that your "work wife" spends a lot of time with you, and knows the people you know, and knows your business "lingo" etc. and so right off the bat, your "work wife" has a connection with you. It would be the same if you did motorcycle racing as a hobby and some girl also did it and the two of you repaired your bikes for hours a day--you have something in common and a connection that you probably do not have with your own wife. Here's the problem: you voluntarily made a promise to spend the rest of your life getting to know your wife deeply and loving HER (forsaking all others)...and clearly you're putting your time, efforts, and interest into someone else and instead getting to know her deeply and not forsaking all others. Your promise was not "to be loved by your wife until you died" or "to love until you don't feel it anymore" ... it was to make the effort for YOUR WIFE as long as you draw breath. You volunteered--you weren't forced. So think about that a minute while we press on. 



> Anyways the point is, this woman and I have been spending a lot of time together and while its mostly professional, we DO talk about things outside of the job and just generally shoot the **** and I've found myself having very strong feelings for her. I obviously haven't done anything about it, but the feelings are mutual. She'll come in early when I'm early and bring me a coffee(even though she doesn't drink coffee). Whenever we're out she always does a good job to make sure that I have a drink or something(doesn't do that with anyone else) and there are just a bunch of other small little things she's said. We have very similar interests so the conversation just always flows naturally and even when we are working now there's just that energy about it. I guess last week was the worst its gotten as she was out with her friends on Friday night and I was at a hockey game and we started texting back and forth. Nothing at all inappropriate, talking about work at first but then some silly office competition we're all in and then music and movies and really everything. Till about 3am.


So not only do you spend up to 8 hours every day with this other woman (whom I'll call the OW from now on), talking about work things that don't include your wife, but after all that time, you also spend time talking about other stuff...casual stuff...interesting stuff...news, weather, sports, interests...having a good time. And after working together for up to 8 hours...you texted and joked around and had an enjoyable time with OW for 10 MORE hours. 

Now I'd like to propose a thought. What do you think would happen to your marriage if you invested 8 hours every day to it? What would your relationship be like if you put in 8 hours toward caring for your wife, and listening to her like she mattered, and being playful with her, and just talking about stuff that you both find interesting? Don't have mutual interests? Well then FIND ONE and put in 8 hours every day and tell me what you think it would be like. Naturally, when you invest in something, it grows! And you are investing up to 18 hours PER DAY on one woman...who is not the one you promised to invest in! If you tend one garden and ignore the other, why the weeds grow in the other garden and choke it to death! Not too complicated, really, is it?



> I guess what I'm feeling is a TON of guilt. I don't want to feel this way. My wife and I aren't in the best state right now as it is(she changed her mind on children and its causing a lot of tension), so the last thing I need while I figure that out is this kind of distraction. On the other hand, and I can't believe I'm saying this, the connection I've felt with my co-worker has been amazing and I'm trying to think back to when I met my wife and I don't think I've ever had such a good time just talking to someone as I do with my co-worker.


So you cross a line, and then cross another line, and then another and another...and pretty soon you're several steps away from what is morally justifiable. Keep crossing lines and you'll start to find ways to justify doing what you know you shouldn't. @LostInCanada, you are a smart man, I can tell by the way you write. You said yourself that you feel guilt. Well....that's because you know that what you're doing is wrong. As someone who deeply cares, I have a duty--an obligation even--to encourage you to stop doing what you know is wrong, and start doing what you know is right. CLEARLY it is wrong to speak to another woman other than your wife for up to 18 hours in a 24 hour day. CLEARLY it is wrong to spend so much time with a person other than your spouse that you begin to develop feelings. CLEARLY you are not a person who believes in or endorses adultery, since you feel some guilt, and yet I'm throwing up a red stop sign here at you--that is EXACTLY where you're heading and you know it. 

PLEASE STOP. 

And honestly, I don't think just talking to OW and telling her "We have to stop this" is going to cut it. The temptation will be right there in front of your face all day, and you know that OW kind of wants it or she wouldn't be dishing it back at you! I think more drastic measures are required, such as telling your wife the truth so she can decide for herself if she thinks vows have been broken. Oh what? You wanted to keep this hidden? Huh...yet another sign that you know this is wrong. How about telling your father and/or mother? Your neighbors and friends? Do you want everyone you know to know how you've been acting? If not, then that is a sign that you know it's wrong. I recommend telling your wife because in a marriage there should be honesty and if you want to rebuild your marriage, you need to start from an honest start. She's likely to be darn pissed, because you've betrayed her, but a marriage can survive anger, and it very rarely survives an affair. Also she deserves to know what kind of man she married. She deserves the freedom to make up her own mind about whether she wants to stay married. 

Next, I'd even suggest the possibility of quitting the company or moving departments or at MINIMUM moving your office so that you are not in daily contact with OW anymore. Make it physically impossible for the two of you to see each other, and break ALL CONTACT with her entirely. You are also going to want to turn your cell phone, email, work email that isn't confidential, FB, social media, etc. over to your wife so she can see that you are being honest and open. Oddly enough, you figured out a way to invest 18 hours A DAY into the OW, so you'll have 18 free hours every day...so figure out a way to invest time and interest and playfulness and caring into YOUR WIFE. You have all that free time now... figure it out. 



> Has anyone gone through something like this? I was thinking this might be something for professional therapy. I don't want to do couples counselling, but want to figure out what's wrong with me first.


Yes, I was unfaithful to the man I loved the most. I saw the shattered eyes and devastation. Trust me, YOU DO NOT WANT TO SEE THAT EVER. You still have time to stop and do the right thing. You can still save this, but you really do have to stop investing in OW and start investing in your wife. If you have issues regarding not having children, that's honest--DEAL with that. Don't get distracted like this!! PLEASE don't do this! I'm telling you, you'll regret it for as long as you live. I have.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Buy the book "Not Just Friends" by the late Dr. Shirley Glass.

And read it immediately.

You're already snowballing toward an affair.


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