# One year in and the sex sucks



## [email protected]@mper (Feb 13, 2021)

My husband and I have been married for just a little over a year. It has been around 50 days (yes, I keep track) since we've had a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. For weeks, he couldn't get it up at all. Then when he finally could, he cums prematurely...so now, either he can't get it up at all, or he cums in about 30 seconds. I'm at my wits end, and I honestly do not know how I am going to be able to live with this for much longer. Not to mention we want kids and this is definitely not the way to get them! This is taking a major toll on me and I don't know what to do to make it better.


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## Actor (Feb 13, 2021)

Hi, you guys should visit the hospital, there are lot of meds that can help in that area.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Well, sperm don't care if the sex lasts 30 seconds or not. You shouldn't be having babies until the marriage is doing better, though.

Something caused the change (underlying condition, medication side effect, porn, something mentally, etc.), does your husband have any desire to figure out what? If he's not wanting to work on this issue then you either need to accept things the way they are, or divorce.

Did you have sex before marriage, or wait?


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

It's not easy, but you have to find a (gentle) way to discuss this with your husband. It won't get better on its own. 

Getting personal here, so don't answer if you don't want to, but how old is he? Does he just stop after he finishes? Is he using too much porn or masturbating too roughly? Those two can cause erectile problems (some men don't believe that, but he can research it if he doesn't take your word for it).

There are other things to do, or ways to get going again, after finishing too quickly.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

[email protected]@mper said:


> My husband and I have been married for just a little over a year. It has been around 50 days (yes, I keep track) since we've had a mutually satisfying sexual encounter. For weeks, he couldn't get it up at all. Then when he finally could, he cums prematurely...so now, either he can't get it up at all, or he cums in about 30 seconds. I'm at my wits end, and I honestly do not know how I am going to be able to live with this for much longer. Not to mention we want kids and this is definitely not the way to get them! This is taking a major toll on me and I don't know what to do to make it better.


Ugh. How is his health?

Is he overweight? Does he eat healthy?

Has he always had these problems?

Does he have a porn habit?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

So he will probably always have this problem. If you can’t deal with it lovingly and with kindness please divorce him.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ED I have no idea from personal experience but there are products from the doctor for that.

PE from time to time I have had issues. If he can get you orally or with his hands I suggest he take you to completion that way first. If you don’t like it (like my wife) or he can’t, your husband needs to put some work in on his sensitivity. If he’s too lazy to do that get a lidocaine spray and have him rub that in 10 minutes before. If you get transfer have him do it earlier. That will completely kill his feeling so if he’s still popping early it is mental and he needs a doctor.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is your communication about this like. Is he aware of where you are at with this?


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

There are a ton of healthy and medicinal options to tackle these issues. First though, I hope your attitude about it to him isn't expressed like it is in your post. Honest and kind is the way to go and talk to the doctor. You have many options.


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## shortbus (Jul 25, 2017)

So, I'll try to help, although, you really haven't supplied much information. We'll start with the assumption that you're both not 80 years old and reasonably healthy.
First off, what Flavius just said.
From your description of your husband, sounds like performance anxiety. If approached in other than a loving way, will only get worse.
It's just like weight lifting, (sort of). If a man rarely has sex, he's going to have no stamina. 
You should approach this as a loving spouse, not angry and disappointed. 
You should initiate in a loving way. 'Take care of him' first. After that pesky premature one is out of the way, have a go at whatever after he achieves a second erection, might find that one lasts a little longer.
It may take a while for this to work out, but surely is better that what you've been doing.
Best of luck going forward.
Also, if he's tying sex to only getting you pregnant, that's not going to help.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Sorry you’re going through this. My guess is that this is likely the result of years of porn use. I’d seriously suggest he throw out his phone/computer and you should get use to the idea that your intimate moments with him be viewed almost like a physical therapy project in which you help him relax and learn to become aroused by your presence rather than the highly visual sexual stimulus he is used to. You might also encourage him to learn to please you in other ways (non PIV) as this could take some of the pressure off of him.


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## geekmechanic (Aug 31, 2020)

I generally disagree with the porn use argument. I think it is wrong to assume he is using porn and that is why he may be having issues. There are many things that can cause issues and to go there could have the poster feeling as though she is somehow inferior and so this could lead to hurt feelings for her and wrong assumptions and anger from him. 
OP if you could give more details as others have pointed out that might help us understand, like how long you dated before marriage, did you have premarital sex and if so was it somehow different. What are your ages since men's sexual health can sometimes decline with age but generally not until after at least 40. 
A divorce is never a good option when you A. Are still having sex B. Are wanting kids C. Still have some level of affection for one another. 
Marriage is a contract that was never and I mean never intended to be broken. Worse things happen when a couple is separate than when there are together even if the situation is not ideal. 
But, I agree with the other poster who said that it sounds like you care more about yourself than him so you might try thinking about his needs. 
If you are wanting to have more sex. Dress sexier or do and/or say sexy things. Get him thinking about you in a way that is more likely to lead to you and him spicing it up later by dropping a suggestive text early in the day or at lunch letting him know that you are thinking about him. Love and sex are a two-way street and there is always a push and pull to it. Make it fun. Turn it into a game in some way. 
My wife and I have gone through many hard times and each time we recover it strengthens our bond in ways I can't even begin to describe to you here. But, someone being physically attractive is only part of what makes a marriage work. Sit down and have an honest discussion with your husband about how you feel and work through it together as a team.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

I'm sorry you are frustrated, and that's understandable, but you sound really lacking in compassion for him, as if your frustration over the situation is turning, or has turned, into resentment toward him. Perhaps you are more considerate than you let on in your opening post, but as things are, I can't help but feel bad for your husband.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

geekmechanic said:


> Marriage is a contract that was never and I mean never intended to be broken. Worse things happen when a couple is separate than when there are together even if the situation is not ideal.


Marriage is a contract that IS MEANT to be broken. I worry about your life exposure if you aren't aware that there is a section of law devoted to ending the marriage contract. It's generally known as "divorce" and is a viable, legal option available in many parts of the world, including the US, where the OP is from.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

If a healthy man doesn't want sex from his wife the cause is likely: 1) porn 2) porn and resentment 3) he isn't healthy 4) he isn't hetero. If you look at porn traffic stats and read a few posts on TAM you'll conclude porn is probably a bigger health concern for men (and marriage) than Covid.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Marriage is a contract that IS MEANT to be broken. I worry about your life exposure if you aren't aware that there is a section of law devoted to ending the marriage contract. It's generally known as "divorce" and is a viable, legal option available in many parts of the world, including the US, where the OP is from.


Contracts are agreements the can be dissolved. They aren't created with the intention of breaking nor forever binding.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

How old is he?


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> If a healthy man doesn't want sex from his wife the cause is likely: 1) porn 2) porn and resentment 3) he isn't healthy 4) he isn't hetero. If you look at porn traffic stats and read a few posts on TAM you'll conclude porn is probably a bigger health concern for men (and marriage) than Covid.


No...no....no......and....uh....no.....

For one, if he was jerking off so often to porn, he'd likely have delayed, not premature ejaculation... And being gay is the oldest excuse in the books why some guys aren't interested in sex with a particular woman...For all anyone knows he has a mistress that is being taken care of quite well...

It's easy to sit around and blame the guy for this...Do we know all the details? No...we don't...we got one side of the story and that's it...For all we know it's got something to do with her....we don't know..


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Or maybe he's just not attracted to you OP.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

hamadryad said:


> No...no....no......and....uh....no.....
> 
> For one, if he was jerking off so often to porn, he'd likely have delayed, not premature ejaculation... And being gay is the oldest excuse in the books why some guys aren't interested in sex with a particular woman...For all anyone knows he has a mistress that is being taken care of quite well...
> 
> It's easy to sit around and blame the guy for this...Do we know all the details? No...we don't...we got one side of the story and that's it...For all we know it's got something to do with her....we don't know..


Dontcha know? CD blames everything on porn 


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

The man married her with no attraction to her. Doubtful.

Marital sex was never this difficult, that is until internet porn started being fed to boys. By the time men are married they’ve probably masturbated to somewhere between 3,600 to 30k pornographic videos... 
how could these poor guys not be wrecked by it?


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Dontcha know? CD blames everything on porn
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


No, I blame unusual newlywed sexual dysfunction on it though.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> The man married her with no attraction to her. Doubtful.


Ok..sure...

But what if she gained a hundred pounds after he married her? What if she became a nagging pain in the ass after marrying her? What if they have financial problems now that they didn't have then? Add to that what is likely to be relentless pressure she is putting on him to get pregnant....

There are a myriad of variables at play here....We don't have him here to give his side of it...It's not all about pornography...In fact, I get it...it's an easy target, but it's unlikely what you are making it out to be in all of these cases....


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

Op didn’t say one word about porn. CD is ASSuming. Let’s give op the chance to comment on this before we (he) jumps to conclusions. 


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> Ok..sure...
> 
> But what if she gained a hundred pounds after he married her? What if she became a nagging pain in the ass after marrying her? What if they have financial problems now that they didn't have then? Add to that what is likely to be relentless pressure she is putting on him to get pregnant....
> 
> There are a myriad of variables at play here....We don't have him here to give his side of it...It's not all about pornography...In fact, I get it...it's an easy target, but it's unlikely what you are making it out to be in all of these cases....


If you and @Elizabeth001 have such great, marital wisdom maybe you should offer this young lady some advice. All you've done is defend porn.

I'm pretty convinced that giving up porn is good advice for men. It's like a universal truth in this day and age. I say that as someone who's been married to the same woman for over 27 years. We also have ten children together. Despite all of the stress of having ten children, surviving cancer, surviving many other life traumas- sex was never something that didn't work well for my wife and I. I'm 51 now and sex still is as easy, pleasurable, and satisfying as it ever was. So, there's my marital credentials. Why don't you share your advice now as well as your credentials?

In addition, porn has contributed the to destruction of numerous marriages as described here on TAM. It's not only immoral and adulterous it contributes to sex trafficking and the actors and often victims of abuse. I'm convinced after reading here on TAM that it wrecks a man's sexuality (well documented on TAM). All that said, porn may not be the only problem here but it is likely a contributing factor. In addition, porn problems can be easily addressed and solved. I have experience with that as well.

So @hamadryad and @Elizabeth001 were all dying to hear your great marital wisdom and credentials.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

[email protected]@mper said:


> My husband and I have been married for just a little over a year. It has been around 50 days (yes, I keep track) since we've had a mutually satisfying sexual encounter.


In my opinion, you may need to resort to taking turns and only focus on one person's pleasure at-a-time as a way to help take away any performance anxiety. Here are some possibilities:

He focuses on you manually 
He uses a toy on you
You focus on yourself and allow him to hold you
You focus on him manually
You use a toy on him
He focuses on himself via PIV while you encourage him

Eventually that can transition into mutually pleasurable sex at the same time. Ironically the best sex is when both partners learn to be selfish in each other's presence and you both begin to mutually respond to each other's pleasure. 

So work on things one-at-a-time for a while in an encouraging way as possible to allow the one experiencing pleasure to be completely selfish about how it happens. Hopefully that will help get things back on track as things transition back to mutual pleasure. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> If you and @Elizabeth001 have such great, marital wisdom maybe you should offer this young lady some advice. All you've done is defend porn.
> 
> I'm pretty convinced that giving up porn is good advice for men. It's like a universal truth in this day and age. I say that as someone who's been married to the same woman for over 27 years. We also have ten children together. Despite all of the stress of having ten children, surviving cancer, surviving many other life traumas- sex was never something that didn't work well for my wife and I. I'm 51 now and sex still is as easy, pleasurable, and satisfying as it ever was. So, there's my marital credentials. Why don't you share your advice now as well as your credentials?
> 
> ...


Not ONCE have I defended porn in my entire time at TAM. I am neither pro or anti. I have only stated that it was not mentioned in the opening (and only) post on this thread...just that you have jumped to conclusions based on your own past experience & that we need more information from the op. 

Stop projecting and assuming...especially about ME. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Not ONCE have I defended porn in my entire time at TAM. I am neither pro or anti. I have only stated that it was not mentioned in the opening (and only) post on this thread...just that you have jumped to conclusions based on your own past experience & that we need more information from the op.
> 
> Stop projecting and assuming...especially about ME.
> 
> ...


With regards to the OP and porn, there are actually a lot of highly credentialed books that advocate for the use of erotic media to help one better understand and develop their sense of sexual self. This topic is however often associated with censorship and harmful behaviors.

Keep in mind that if erotic media is used in your relationship that you should discuss openly as a couple what the boundaries are that make you feel uncomfortable. Try and be aware that any shame and guilt associated with someone using erotic media often does harm as well.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Keep in mind that if erotic media is used in your relationship that you should discuss openly as a couple what the boundaries are that make you feel uncomfortable. Try and be aware that any shame and guilt associated with someone using erotic media often does harm as well.


This comment is addressed to the OP


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Not ONCE have I defended porn in my entire time at TAM. I am neither pro or anti. I have only stated that it was not mentioned in the opening (and only) post on this thread...just that you have jumped to conclusions based on your own past experience & that we need more information from the op.
> 
> Stop projecting and assuming...especially about ME.
> 
> ...


Nor have you asked even one question of OP or offered anything useful.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> Nor have you asked even one question of OP or offered anything useful.


Didn’t realize it was a requirement ...oh wait...it’s not. 


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Elizabeth001 said:


> Didn’t realize it was a requirement ...oh wait...it’s not.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


We can at least agree that you are not helpful.


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## Elizabeth001 (May 18, 2015)

CatholicDad said:


> We can at least agree that you are not helpful.


And that feeling is mutual. I’ll hold my tongue until we have more details. 


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

CatholicDad said:


> We can at least agree that you are not helpful.


And making blanket generalizations about something, and applying it to every possible scenario as you are doing, is about as useless as nothing at all..

I don't want to make this a porn debate, not that the Catholic religion doesn't already have it's own child porn problem, but the reality is your situation can't just be applied to everyone else's...

The OP posted more of a rant than a question, with almost no background, and so how you can so carefully pinpoint the problem of porn addiction is simply silly...Not to mention the OP didn't even mention anything about porn...That would be the equivalent of blaming her issue on the fact that she cut her hair and dyed it red..

Being married and having 10 kids doesn't make you any more "credentialed" about porn than anyone else in the street...I don't drink alcohol, so would that make me credentialed on alcohol addiction? Of course not...

Sorry to be so harsh, I know you are trying to be helpful, but try to think a little bit outside the box,....Believe it or not there are people out there with attitudes and behaviors that would fly against everything the catholic church professes that are living just as happy and healthy as you are, maybe even more....


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> We can at least agree that you are not helpful.


Hypothetically, when one finds oneself making an enemy of nearly everyone in the group at one time or another, one really should stop to ask what is the common denominator.

We can at least agree on that.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

hamadryad said:


> And making blanket generalizations about something, and applying it to every possible scenario as you are doing, is about as useless as nothing at all..
> 
> I don't want to make this a porn debate, not that the Catholic religion doesn't already have it's own child porn problem, but the reality is your situation can't just be applied to everyone else's...
> 
> ...


You're talking about my "blanket generalizations" and then you turn around and do the same but worse because you're insulting the religion of over a billion people. Mother Teresa, Saint Francis, Saint Thomas Aquinas, are all Catholics don't you know? Maybe not as "happy and healthy" as you but doing good works that someone like you could never match or understand. 

If I want to counsel people against porn what business is it of yours? I feel like this generalization is always a good idea sort of like "eat healthy" if you don't want to be overweight. Stay away from porn if you want a good marriage.

So it hurts your feelings when I say something against porn- so you just feel so inclined to speak up and insult my religion. 

Poor baby get his feelings hurt cause he likes his porn!


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Cletus said:


> Hypothetically, when one finds oneself making an enemy of nearly everyone in the group at one time or another, one really should stop to ask what is the common denominator.
> 
> We can at least agree on that.


We'd be friends if you didn't love and defend porn so much. I mean, why is it so hard to not let me get my anti porn rant in? We've all heard extensively about your marital sex problems- why can't I have this?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> We'd be friends if you didn't love and defend porn so much. I mean, why is it so hard to not let me get my anti porn rant in? We've all heard extensively about your marital sex problems- why can't I have this?


Respect begets respect. You don't treat people who differ with your opinion on this topic as anything better than animals deserving only of your disgust.


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