# Is sex ever more important than love in a marriage?



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I have been giving this quite a bit of thought lately...

About a year ago, my wife and I were in a deep rut in our marriage. We weren't on the same page sexually, and we were not really getting along well in the other aspects of our relationship. We still admired and respected each other, however, and I don't think the communication ever broke down completely, even though it had gotten pretty bad at certain points. We really didn't give resentment much of a chance to take hold before we decided to do something about it.

Fast forward to today, and after a lot of soul-searching, and several months of MC/sex therapy, we are really clicking sexually. Over the past few months, we have had some of the most satisfying, mind-blowing sex ever, hands-down. During this time, it seems like we are getting along much, much better in all of the other parts of our marriage, too.

Long term relationships will always have their ups an downs. What I think I have learned is that for me, great sex will get a relationship through times when love isn't really happening, better than love will get a relationship through times when the sex is either not happening, or it isn't where it should be. I know some of you will ding me for generalizing, or oversimplification, but that's how I see it.

I believe that when a couple is really clicking sexually, it tends to make everything else in the relationship better (even behaviors that once annoyed the piss out of each other), especially if there is some - however small - underlying foundation of mutual admiration and respect. Sex seems to be the great lubricator of marriages.

I'm interested to hear what the other TAM posters think about this.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your dog loves you unconditionally. He'd give his life for you. Yet, if he wants to play ball at the same time your significant other wants to play with your's, who do you get off the couch for?


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Yes, but in most states, you can't marry your dog...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, I think they go hand in hand...


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## Quaintrelle (May 13, 2012)

I agree and disagree. On balance, I don't think sex is more important than love - but that doesn't mean I don't think sex is important. It is. Very very.

I'm not surprised to hear you're clicking on many other levels now the sex is better. Great sex fosters intimacy and closeness, plus there's all those hormones that get released after orgasm that make you want to bind to your partner (though I think that's just a woman thing). Everybody's happy. That has great flow-on effects.

I agree that great sex can get a relationship through when the love is on the back burner, but I also believe that vice versa, love can get a relationship through sexual tough times.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I agree, but I was thinking of that old saying that beer will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no beer. Something the posters can relate to.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

For most men, sex with their spouse is love.

I think if your love language is 'sex', then yes, it makes you happy and in a good mood and that goes a long way in making the rest of the relationship happy.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I don't think sex is my wife's love language, but I think she would agree with me about how it has made everything in the relationship work better.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Probably your wife is doing better because sex is your love language!

You are feeling loved and so you are giving her the loving feelings she needs. Maybe she needs communication and you are now communicating with her because you are happy and fulfilled.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think this is one of those chicken/egg debates. Without love neither of us are interested in sex however sex is the glue that keeps us together during the hard times.

When you click sexually it generally means the rest of your marriage is working well too.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Our marriage is like yours, keeper. Sex is indeed the magic ingredient that unites two very different people, helps us overcome resentments, keeps communication flowing, and allows us to compromise when each one would like to get their own way exclusively. It lets us think win-win rather than if you win, I lose.

A good sex life means that each person feels loved and that we are meeting each other's needs. It makes our relationship unique and special from all the other relationships in our lives.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Hmm. I can have sex without love pretty easily. Can I have long term, romantic, "in love", love without sex? No, I don't think I can. Sorry.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Well I'm one month away from getting divorced from my soon to be ex wife; the last three months we were together we had great sex! We tried things we hadn't done before, she dressed up for me, etc. However, it didn't keep the love on her side going for me. It was just purely sex.

So I dont' think that great sex can keep the long term relationship (we were together 11 years) going.


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Perhaps the difference in our experience is that we still maintained mutual respect and admiration for each other (even if "romantic love" was AWOL), and we hadn't been completely consumed by resentment.

Once the respect is gone, and resentment takes over, I don't think any amount of "love" or sex will fix the problem...


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## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

Also, please note that the thread title is "Is sex ever more important than love in a marriage?", which implies that over time, one could be more important than the other, not necessarily an absolute statement.

I think I'm saying that there have been and that there presently are times in my marriage when sex has been/is more important than "love" (whatever "love" means to you and your spouse).


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

in a marriage, sometimes things happen...things that almost seem cold, and quite the oppsite of love.

such as, the marriage comes first. maybe your spouse is being a prick, or a douch, or just an all around not fun person right now.

last week/month/year their were the light of your life...

sex leads to love, love leads to sex. sex is important to the marriage...marriage comes first, so sex is a must....love, shove...

it is understood by both people that sometimes you have sex, even though right now your spouse is you least favorite person. its not about power, control, vengance, one-upance, degradeing the other person....

its about the marriage, and sometimes the marriage is more important, and bigger that the 2 folks in it. its not to held against the other spouse, its just the way it is.

sex is important, and can lead to love...love is important and can lead to sex.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

keeper63 said:


> I have been giving this quite a bit of thought lately...
> 
> About a year ago, my wife and I were in a deep rut in our marriage. We weren't on the same page sexually, and we were not really getting along well in the other aspects of our relationship. We still admired and respected each other, however, and I don't think the communication ever broke down completely, even though it had gotten pretty bad at certain points. We really didn't give resentment much of a chance to take hold before we decided to do something about it.
> 
> ...


I believe a great sex life is fuel for an already roaring fire. In the absence of fire, the fuel won't do a damned thing. But when there is "fire", throwing the gas on it keeps it going and burning hot. You must have the fire for the fuel to do its thing. And when it does, yes, I believe it just makes all areas of the relationship burn hotter.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

For us, if my wife does not feel loved she is not so inclined to want sex. As I have read many times, a man needs sex to feel intimate and a woman needs to feel intimate to want sex. For us, sex would not hold us together when a loving relationship was lacking.


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## 7737 (Feb 10, 2011)

For a man to know that his wife/partner loves him, she needs to have sex with him.
Without the sex he won't feel that he is loved.

For a wife to know that she is loved she likes to be cuddled, hand held, massaged, helped with household chores, bought flowers and jewelry and told how beautiful she is....

Sex is far more important to men than it is to most (not all!) women. If only more women realised and accepted it.....


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## Mrs Nora Barnacle (May 15, 2012)

I think sex is more important than love when you are in the middle of a rut. Well done to the OP for getting out of the rut. I am in the middle of the rut right now and I think sex is way more important than love. I start crying at soppy chick flick movies when the stars are kissing passionately because I think I will never feel that way again! I never used to cry at movies - ever! 

However - unless (good quality) sex is missing I think most people would say love is more important.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The old adage is true. If the sex is good it's 10% of the relationship. If the sex is bad it's 90%.


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## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

A sexless marriage isn't "love". It's using. If a person is that selfish ignore a spouses needs, I'd question that love. 

A marriage that is rocky with great sex, is what keeps a marriage ticking during the hard times. It's the love, even if there's just a little left, that keeps the sex hot. One of you is hoping to fix what went wrong, one of you is going over the top to impress again (like when dating), one of you wants to bond. That need for bonding is love.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

My wife and I view sex as an expression of our love. Our sex is contingent on our love, but not the other way around. We were celibate for a very long time before marriage, and loved one another regardless, and were faithful and devoted.

Sex is extremely important component to our marriage now. It bonds us more closely, and is great shorthand for communicating through issues. Yes, a little sex sometimes goes a long way. Sometimes the two of us do need to shut up, and just get busy! 

However, lets say something happened, perhaps something medical, that would prevent us from having sex? The lack of sex would be a major adjustment, but I have no fear that my marriage would drift into oblivion without it. On the other hand, if I stopped feeling in love with my wife, consistently, for a long time, or vice versa, that would be absolutely devastating.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

yes,yes,yes


did I say yes!!!!!!!

I guess sex is my love launguage.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm going to have to say .. no it's not. I don't know how others see love but the way I see it is... things such as sex, respect, loyalty, comfort, security, happiness/joy, desire, jealousy, anger, pain, sorrow, ect are all just facets of the diamond known as love. When part of this precious jewel it's all intensified... thats just my viewpoint though so.. like i would say.. no it's not more important... it's just as important since it is a part of love.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Keeper,
To your W - love was more important than sex. And THAT is why she rebooted your sex life. Not because she wanted to, rather because she loved you enough to want to make you happy. And that love/commitment she showed is why you have a good marriage. Hope you show her the same.




keeper63 said:


> I have been giving this quite a bit of thought lately...
> 
> About a year ago, my wife and I were in a deep rut in our marriage. We weren't on the same page sexually, and we were not really getting along well in the other aspects of our relationship. We still admired and respected each other, however, and I don't think the communication ever broke down completely, even though it had gotten pretty bad at certain points. We really didn't give resentment much of a chance to take hold before we decided to do something about it.
> 
> ...


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## shakirah (May 10, 2012)

Communication is very important to make things be fixed because it will help to make the relationship last.


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