# Is this a terrible idea? Pros and cons?



## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

I have been in recovery from learning about my H long term EA with an old "friend."
She was determined to meet him and have it become a PA.
Thanks to this site I was able to "trust my gut" do a hard confront,
Send the NC letter etc... Everything I learned here. Most importantly, "trust, but verify"

So here is my idea- as I feel I am crazy half the time, I am asking your opinion on this - would it do any good? Backfire somehow? 
Would I get what I want from it? Or is it just the craziness of having been deceived for 2 years...

I want to purchase a burner phone with the area code of the OW. 
I want to send my H a note - I guess to make it look like she's fishing again. I have specific info about her that would make it seem it was from her. 

I want to see what his reaction is. Would he reply? Would he tell her to leave him alone? Or...

As I'm writing this I know it's sounds crazy but I guess that's the aftermath of infidelity. I just can't seem to go on wondering if she has tried to contact him and I want to see with my own eyes what he'd say or do. 
Any thoughts? What could be the worst thing to happen? 

I've never been good at analytical thinking.... Help!

Thank you

Josey


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm wondering why you aren't monitoring him so that you would already know if she had tried to contact him and if/how he would respond? If you're going the "trust but verify" route, you should already have ways to verify in place.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

I have fears that there are so many ways now to go underground and I may be missing something. I want so badly to trust again. But you can even text using words with friends! 

He's off FB. And his email is available to me. But I read on here how there are secret email accounts, and so many ways to deceive.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Don't borrow trouble.
I always disliked this kind of tests.... unless any kind of red flag is there to make your gut scream.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

You might open Pandora's box with that one. He might still be pining for her and this is the nudging and encouragement he needs to proceed. You will never know if it would have been his normal reaction to things or if he is now reacting because he was "propositioned". My suggestion would be not to do it. Even though lots of us have wanted to go this route, it could be creating something bigger than you can handle.

If you must go this route, think first, will it really solve or prove anything to me? If you can't answer without a doubt that it will help you, then don't go there. If you feel strong enough about it to think it is something you need then act on it. Your gut should know.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

If you don't trust him then why are you still with him. Your going to go crazy wondering. I would tell him how you are feeling and make him do more to ensure you that things are good. If he is not willing to do that then there is your answer. 

Clay


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Josey said:


> I have fears that there are so many ways now to go underground and I may be missing something. I want so badly to trust again. But you can even text using words with friends!
> 
> He's off FB. And his email is available to me. But I read on here how there are secret email accounts, and so many ways to deceive.


Isn't this kind of an oxymoron? You want to develop that trust with him by deceiving and possibly breaking his trust in you?? Seems to be creating new issues, because how are you going to react if he tells you about the attempted contact? Are you going to reveal and make him feel deceived or are you going to lie to him like he did to you (which you hated, so he will too). Sometimes a taste of their own medicine doesn't work out for the best as this may drive him away, as he now knows you will go to lengths and you are not working on rebuilding trust as you say you are.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

Thank you guys..

What I want is to see with my own eyes, " do not ever contact me again!!!!"

I think? It would finally allow me to move on. 
But I see your point about Pandora's box and borrowing trouble. 

If he responds with, " oh I've missed you," or worse..." Why are you using another number. The one we've been using has worked just fine!" Haha- that would be another joke on me. 

But then I'd be free to say, "goodbye"


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Seems to me like you are looking for reasons to end it. You are essentially setting him up, which is not something that occurs in a good, loving, trusting relationship. 

If he fails he has an argument that you were deceitful as well -- lying is lying no matter what color you paint it.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Josey said:


> Thank you guys..
> 
> What I want is to see with my own eyes, " do not ever contact me again!!!!"
> 
> ...


But since you have already agreed upon and done the NC letter, then even him responding in that way would be breaking no contact. Would you then be satisfied with that text, or would you then hound and suspect him since he responded (even though this is the response you wanted)?

I think you will then second guess him again and say, why didn't you not respond and contact and show me the text first? Instead your first reaction was to respond! It is a rabbit hole that you are spiraling down into. Sometimes the unknown can be better.

You want NC but then you want a certain response to the text. I see you setting him up for failure, as what you should really be hoping for is no text response/ contact from him and when he next sees you the immediate disclosure of the attempted communication. Since you want contact, I can see you holding that against him.


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## unsure78 (Oct 17, 2011)

hate to tell you but...they will often go to secret emails or a second phone or other things

caught my now exh, with a keylogger on the computer he opened up a second gmail address just to keep in contact with her... then when i found that he started communicating with her thru xbox and playstation... all while looking me in the eye saying NC

the problem is that you can never ever be a 100% sure... he could be going to work and communicating with her on a work phone.. unfortunately its a bit like a crack addiction, very hard to break. 

personally i wouldn't go fishing sending out bait.. 

but how is his attitude about R? is he giving you all the things YOU require? is he hesitant to do anything on your requirement list? A WS in real R should be willing to move heaven and earth for you...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i understand that you are seeking affirmation that he is loyal only to you, that he is not seeking out contact with this woman, and while i understand you rational, this could lead different outcomes...you may find out he is still interested in the other woman, allowing you to say "goodbye"...not sure if you needed to go this far to find that out...because in sense you already have one foot out the door....but let's say he surprises you and he tell her not to reply again...your over joyed however he does not tell you that she contacted him. now that leaves you with more doubt...i guess what I am trying to say you can either live with doubt, and look for future signs...you can continue to break him until he proves your right...or you can leave...but you may never have total peace.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

sorry you've been going thru so much josey.

i think i'd just keep monitoring him closely and as always, trust your gut. i know you want security, i know you don't want to get played again, but spending your time looking for ways to trap him isn't the way to get that.

good luck and keep us updated.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

If he is still in contact with her, he would probably email her or text her on the 'usual' number after getting that text message but before responding to see if it was her. Once he knew it wasn't her, he would be in the clear to tell you "honey...I got this weird message saying it was OW". You then have false confidence he is abiding by NC.

If he isn't in contact with her, you wouldn't know for sure because of the above scenario being a possibility.

It would be better to install a GPS tracker on his car, a VAR in his car, and a keylogger on the home PC or a packet sniffer if you have some technical ability. The packet sniffer won't show you encrypted information like the keylogger will but it will capture traffic from ALL devices connected to your home Wifi including smart phones, game systems (console and handheld), smart TV's, iPods, BluRays, other PC's...there's a long list of stuff to cheat with.

Or you could just be upfront and say "honey, I am feeling anxious about the possibility that OW may have contacted you again. My heart wants to trust you. My head says I need to verify the truth somehow. Would you be willing to take a polygraph test?" You don't even really have to go through with it if you don't want to...but find a real company that will do it...schedule the appointment...drive to the office...walk into the lobby. Did he confess to something or is he holding your hand? You have your answer either way.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Don't do it. It's lying and manipulative and it's entrapment.

You can't know what his genuine reaction to her fishing would be if you set him up. For every strategy a cheater uses to go underground, there is always someone smart enough to find a way to detect it.

If he's going to cheat again, he's going to cheat again and you can't snoop your way into monogamy or trick him into monogamy. All you can do is keep trusting but verifying and working towards R. The trust will come if he's committed to the process and doing what he needs to be doing to help you heal but it's not going to come back overnight.


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## Josey (Feb 5, 2014)

I appreciate all the feedback, I wish I could respond to each of you individually....

Yes I see the entrapment and lying in this crazy scheme. I don't want to be like that.

It's hard to find trust again, I know I'm grasping at straws.
Honestly there is nothing he could do or say to make me trust 100% again which is so sad and a difficult way to be in a marriage.
I was so blindsided before...

I felt this was a way to put my mind at ease but I see from your responses that it really is a wrong way to proceed.

I wish for the days when trust was not even an issue.

Thank you all- I will keep you posted because even though I know it's wrong, I can't at this moment say I wouldn't do it... Sad.

Josey


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I did something similar. I told my wife that people out of guilt will sometimes spill their guts and I told her that the XOM talked and that I knew everything. That was at the end of 2011 and early 2012. I did this ploy to get more information as my wife lied, would not answer questions to things that I had proof and continued to deny. 

What a fool I was. My wife had gotten another burner phone, was still in contact with the XOM and she told me that she just played along with me, knowing that the XOM had not said anything more. I would come up with something I told her I heard that was new. And her response was, "Mac, I told you everything". They had their story down pat. Even though I had proof of more times they were together, they kept to having met 4 times. Yet her phone records showed 9 times. 

I got all my questions answered in April 2013 when my wife repented and came clean. 

If your husband has taken this underground, your "trick" phone will only show that you are fishing. "IF" he is still in contact, he will know it is not her.

My wife had secret questions, secret words, etc. just in case I found out her secret accounts and hacked her emails. So if I pretended to be the XOM she would have fished for the secret word. She did this in 1999. I found out she was having sexual EA's online. I contacted the one guy and he wrote, secret word? When I did not respond he wrote, "I know this is *****'s husband, stop contacting me". And my wife knew within minutes that I had found out.

Sorry for the long response (too much coffee today), but I do not recommend you do this.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You want to see if he would nibble at a contact made with that phone?

If he does , you know about what you already know, that you don't trust him.

If he doesn't call you know is that he may be wary, and if he finds out? And hasn't contacted, he will be angry and acting all justified about his anger.

And he still could be cheating.

Better to hire a PI if you just need to know. Or put a VAR and a gps on his car.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

as I have been both a BH and WH, here's an example from the other side...

The OWH found my Facebook account. He set up a fake Facebook account to contact me as a woman fishing for an affair. The attempt was obvious to me. Yet I bet he thought he was being very tricky. I told the fake woman "I don't know you. I don't want to know you."

Anyway...I'm just saying it is not a good plan and would be really hard to appear genuine even if he isn't in contact with her still.


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