# I wanted this... why do I hurt more?



## heartbroken_lady (May 3, 2011)

Hi. I'm new here and this is my first post. I don't have many people to talk to about what I'm going through. 
I wanted to separate from my H after years of trying to help him through being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We have 2 kids ages 10 and 5. After so many years of relapses, med changes, his lack of desire to hold a job, his over spending and never helping me out around the house - the last time he went away to a mental health facility, I chose that time to tell him I wanted him to move out. Sounds cold I know, but the last time I told him I wanted to separate, he tried to kill himself and said it was because he thought I was going to leave him. At least this time, he was in 24/7 care of mental health professionals that could talk to him or prevent him from doing anything stupid. I even went so far as to find him an affordable place and paid the first month's deposit on it. He's been out of the house now for 2 months and part of me couldn't be happier. The other part of me feels dead inside. I hate him and I miss him so much all the time. When I feel like missing him I ask myself what it is that I actually miss - and usually it's just the presence of another adult in the house. It's not like he did anything to contribute around the house or have a job where I'm missing the extra income. Actually, for the last 2 years I've been in University full time as well as working part time just to make ends meet while he did nothing. 
I don't know maybe I just need to remind myself that what we had really wasn't a marriage. My mom said we had a wedding, but never a marriage and she's right. Not for 1 day after we got married did he support me and our kids financially or emtionally. He was a physical presence in the house, but spent most of his time online obsessing about Ebay.
Every time I put the squeeze on him a little to help, even with housework if he didn't get a job - he'd end up OD'ing and in the hospital. Though never as serious as the first time I tried to leave him, it was always enough that he'd end up in the hospital.
I know why I left him. I know I had to leave him. But what kills me is how he's trying to turn the tables on me to make me think that he left me. I am guessing it's his ego that can't handle being left but the little girl inside me with abandonment issues doesn't react well to these comments.
There are some days when I feel great, happy and looking forward to what the future holds - but then I get scared. I don't want my marriage to break up. I don't want my family to be torn apart - I just know that slowly he's sucking the life out of me.
You'd think given all that he's done to me, it would be an easy decision but I agonize over it all the time. He seems so cold and uncaring and it makes my heart hurt to think of how much of myself I invested in him and getting him well and the medical attention he needs. 
Sorry it's so long but I feel like i'm on a roller coaster. I had a great job lined up but because it's shift work was unable to take the full time position due to daycare confliction. I just went to school for 2 years and now won't be able to carry out what I want to do because I can't work the hours this line of work demands 90% of the time.
How long will it take to put the pieces back together? Part of me wants to have a rebound fling with someone just so my fear of never finding anyone again goes away... sick thought I know. I wish he'd pull it together - I wish he'd fight to get well mentally so that maybe just maybe he'd realize that he loves us. He's losing his family and we are losing him.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

heartbroken_lady said:


> Hi. I'm new here and this is my first post. I don't have many people to talk to about what I'm going through.
> I wanted to separate from my H after years of trying to help him through being diagnosed with bipolar disorder. We have 2 kids ages 10 and 5. After so many years of relapses, med changes, his lack of desire to hold a job, his over spending and never helping me out around the house - the last time he went away to a mental health facility, I chose that time to tell him I wanted him to move out. Sounds cold I know, but the last time I told him I wanted to separate, he tried to kill himself and said it was because he thought I was going to leave him. At least this time, he was in 24/7 care of mental health professionals that could talk to him or prevent him from doing anything stupid. I even went so far as to find him an affordable place and paid the first month's deposit on it. He's been out of the house now for 2 months and part of me couldn't be happier. The other part of me feels dead inside. I hate him and I miss him so much all the time. When I feel like missing him I ask myself what it is that I actually miss - and usually it's just the presence of another adult in the house. It's not like he did anything to contribute around the house or have a job where I'm missing the extra income. Actually, for the last 2 years I've been in University full time as well as working part time just to make ends meet while he did nothing.
> I don't know maybe I just need to remind myself that what we had really wasn't a marriage. My mom said we had a wedding, but never a marriage and she's right. Not for 1 day after we got married did he support me and our kids financially or emtionally. He was a physical presence in the house, but spent most of his time online obsessing about Ebay.
> Every time I put the squeeze on him a little to help, even with housework if he didn't get a job - he'd end up OD'ing and in the hospital. Though never as serious as the first time I tried to leave him, it was always enough that he'd end up in the hospital.
> ...


I was single mom shiftworker - there are options! I offered a student free room and board (or cheap) to be available after daycare hours. Your life is changing and overwhelming but don't give up.
You miss idea of him. You miss the dream. You don't miss your reality. You need help to process your life changes - he put you through hell.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think you did the right thing by separating, your H is emotionally unstable and could potentially be a threat to you and your children.

I think it is perfectly normal to feel the emotions you are feeling. You obviously love and care about him, you don't strike me as being a selfish person. It can be very draining to try and live with someone who has a severe mental illness.
While I understand that he can't help he is bipolar, he is a grown man and should know that it is his responsibility to get the medication and treatment he needs. You can't do this for him.

And for the suicide attempt, I have a sister who attempted suicide (and didn't succeed thankfully) but it was one of the most traumatizing things I have ever been through. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been on you and your children.

I would suggest counseling for you and your children. I think it would do you all a world of good.

So sorry you are dealing with this. Keep your chin up, you are stronger than you think.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## heartbroken_lady (May 3, 2011)

Thank you for your kind words. I guess I understand that I miss the idea of being together, it helps to think of it that way because I certainly don't miss us actually being together - that was full of too much frustration and anger.
I guess what bugs me so much is that he seems to be fine with everything that's going on. My mom says it's his pride that won't allow him to admit he had any part in the undoing of our marriage. But when he sound so non-chalant on the phone, it's one of the most difficult things to listen to. It makes me angry, like all the work I put into making things work meant nothing. Then I feel like nothing. Even though I know it wasn't me, I can't help feeling like I wasn't good enough to make it work.


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