# Wife wants divorce right after marriage



## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

So the deal is we have been long distance for over a year, but stayed in constant contact through texting and email, before that we were 2 years non-long distance.

We met up after a 7 month period apart, and got married, then had to go long distance for another 3 months. 

However, after the 3 months we moved in together, she has been unhappy. Its been 2 weeks and she said she is miserable, and wants a divorce. We never had these kind of problems before, fights yes, but I don't know what it is that made her simply miserable since I got here. 

1. Could the move in after being apart so long have been a move that is simply too fast?

2. maybe she has changed in the long distance time, and doesn't realize it?

3. maybe its something unrelated to me that is causing her unhappiness?

4. maybe the fact that we are now married is putting pressure on her?
What should I do?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

So what you are saying is that you had 2 year relationship IN PERSON.

I'm not counting long distance time as that simply doesn't cut it.....

Sounds to me like you guys just reached over the honeymoon phase hump and she lost the spark for you?

That would be my guess.

I would sit down with her and have a serious discussion. Ask her why does she want divorce or what you might have done to push her towards that decision.

See what she says. But I'm not sure I would take her too seriously. Watch her closely when she replies.

Ask her if she is willing to work on those issues and continue marriage.

If she is dead set on divorce, it's done with. Could be that she simply met someone else and decided to proceed with them.

Long distance is a HUGE relationship killer.

Personally, I think you 2 should've invested more time before committing to marriage.

PS. Are you wealthy by any chance?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I think you need more clarity from her on what exactly she is miserable about.

Did she have to move to be with you? Moving is a big change, and one of the most stressful events in a person's life. It means leaving friends and family behind, changing jobs, learning new places, making a new life.

Did you move to be with her? Then she has to now fit you into her old life, but as a married person. It's no longer about HER, and now it's about US. That means she has to consult with you about a lot of things that she could just decide for herself before. It means making room for you in her social life, as part of her daily routine, and nightly routine. Adjustment pains of living together can take a long time to sort out when someone is used to being on their own.

What were her expectations of marriage? Some people set highly unrealistic expectations, fantasies, of what marriage will be. And then the reality of laundry, cooking, the car breaking down, job problems, financial worries, etc., sets in and they realize it's not all sunshine and roses and romance like in the movies. It's not like the little vacations when you saw each other and could focus solely on each other - it's real life when you each have to focus on your jobs and responsibilities as well as in building a marriage relationship.

Her misery could be from any number of things, and we can only guess at them. How are your communication skills together? Does she open up and talk with you about what is on her mind and in her heart? Does she trust you? Does she have your best interests at heart or does she still have younger person's self-centered perspective and is only considering herself? Does she do things for other people, including you, or is it all about her? 

See? I could go on and on. Only she can help you understand what her issues are, and whether they are driven by fears of intimacy or by abrupt change to her lifestyle or mismatched expectations, or...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

I can not understand you. have you been married for two years, or 3 months?


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

norajane said:


> I think you need more clarity from her on what exactly she is miserable about.
> 
> Did she have to move to be with you? Moving is a big change, and one of the most stressful events in a person's life. It means leaving friends and family behind, changing jobs, learning new places, making a new life.
> 
> ...


I think you hit it pretty well. She is still young, obviously she cares about me and she said she still loves me, but I would say she is a little more self centered. 

I moved in with her, so yes she has to fit me into her schedule, in addition to her job, I argued that maybe this is putting to much stress on her, and we need to get use to it.

She is not completely sure why she is unhappy, she just thinks maybe the marriage was a mistake, and she is too young to have to fit in another person to her decisions and lose her freedom.

She talked about it to me for a bit, but now that she has settled on divorce, she barely will speak to me about it, or communicate much with me in general. 

I think its partially the change in lifestyle and partially the mismatched expectations. 


my question is there any way I can fix this? She changes her mind on a lot of things quite often, as most young people do, so I don't want to go through divorce and then have her realize she made a mistake.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> I can not understand you. have you been married for two years, or 3 months?



around 3 months and 2 weeks. 

originally we were together for 2 years, then over 1 year of long distance in which we got married, after the wedding 3 months ago, we were again long distance until just 2 weeks ago. we now live together.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> I think you hit it pretty well. She is still young, obviously she cares about me and she said she still loves me, but I would say she is a little more self centered.
> 
> I moved in with her, so yes she has to fit me into her schedule, in addition to her job, I argued that maybe this is putting to much stress on her, and we need to get use to it.
> 
> ...


Communication is THE only way to fix it, but since she refuses, and I'm assuming you tried numerous times........no there isn't much you can do to fix it.

I wouldn't blame changing her mind on a lot of things on her youth though.

This can simply be the way she is and I will tell you right now, person like that is NOT a good long term relationship material.

So perhaps you should be happy and move on. Heck, she could've "changed her mind" 10 years down the road with 2 kids, imagine how much worse that would've been.

If you want to give communication few more whirls by all means do so. But if she proceeds with divorce, the best advice I can give you is take time to heal (6months-1 year) and completely break ALL contact with her.

In time, you WILL feel better and be in a MUCH better place. 

ANY contact = reset of your healing so block her completely. Chances are HIGH she will come crawling back....do NOT allow that.

I have a feeling there is someone else in her life......while she was alone/away/long distance. Most woman will not stray unless have something else lined up.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

there is another factor involved in this that I forgot to include. We have a roommate, it is a male roommate, who happens to be her best friend, we are living with him for financial reasons. I know she has no romantic feelings for him, he is married but his wife is currently long distance. (military) so the three of us are living together. 

Could this be hindering the process of us bonding?


Also I know exactly how this sounds and what most of you are assuming with a best friend male roommate. I assure you its not what you think. But what I do think is she feels secure and that she will have someone to talk to and hang out with even if I am out of the picture.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

DoF said:


> So what you are saying is that you had 2 year relationship IN PERSON.
> 
> I'm not counting long distance time as that simply doesn't cut it.....
> 
> Sounds to me like you guys just reached over the honeymoon phase hump and she lost the spark for you?


This is as good a place to ask this as any, because I've seen you post this advice a couple of times, that you encourage couples to be together longer than 2 years before they get married. 

I would agree thats ideal and perfectly fine for 20 somethings, but once you get to late 30s or later, aren't there goals (like kids, etc) that preclude moving faster? 

To the OP, when I first got married I was traveling on the road and that actually made the relationship 'easy'. When I started staying at home it became more difficult because you don't get the breaks you need to do individual todos. So maybe you went from one extreme to the other? Is there a way you can give her some space to do stuff (I assume not including cheating, but just other activities) so she enjoys the time with you?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Best friend that's a male?

Think about that for a bit.....

I would never even date a woman (in this case clearly a girl) that has ANY male friends.

But that's simply because I know men all too well. No man will be friends with a girl/woman they don't find attractive/wouldn't bang.



Ask yourself, do you really want to be married to one that hasn't even learned above yet? 

I wouldn't.....

Having opposite relationships while in LTR is simply inappropriate and disrespectful. 

In my relationship (and many others I've seen) there is absolutely no opposite sex relationships.

Take me up on it if you don't believe me. Let's say you had a girl "best friend", how do you think she would feel about that? hehe

Also, whenever you live with ANYONE, it completely changes people's life/dynamic and happiness within the household. Just the nature of things.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

devotion said:


> This is as good a place to ask this as any, because I've seen you post this advice a couple of times, that you encourage couples to be together longer than 2 years before they get married.
> 
> I would agree thats ideal and perfectly fine for 20 somethings, but once you get to late 30s or later, aren't there goals (like kids, etc) that preclude moving faster?
> 
> To the OP, when I first got married I was traveling on the road and that actually made the relationship 'easy'. When I started staying at home it became more difficult because you don't get the breaks you need to do individual todos. So maybe you went from one extreme to the other? Is there a way you can give her some space to do stuff (I assume not including cheating, but just other activities) so she enjoys the time with you?


Applies to all ages. Look up/read up on Honeymoon phase.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> there is another factor involved in this that I forgot to include. We have a roommate, it is a male roommate, who happens to be her best friend, we are living with him for financial reasons. I know she has no romantic feelings for him, he is married but his wife is currently long distance. (military) so the three of us are living together.
> 
> Could this be hindering the process of us bonding?
> 
> ...


Yes, this is a huge part of the problem.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

norajane said:


> Yes, this is a huge part of the problem.


I would probably go as far as saying this is the CORE issue.

This guy that lives with you and is her best friend is "married" but due to long distance is not REALLY married.

Having relations with your wife closes up the gap for him and there is a high chance things are going on between them.

Wouldn't surprise me AT ALL. 

Naturally, any 2 human beings being around each other for long periods of time WILL bond in time. Fact that they are opposite sex AND "best friends" makes it THAT much worse.


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## loveadvice (Dec 22, 2013)

DoF said:


> So what you are saying is that you had 2 year relationship IN PERSON.
> 
> I'm not counting long distance time as that simply doesn't cut it.....
> 
> ...


Whatever you do, don't start having babies until you have at least 2 years of a solid non-rollercoaster type of marriage or you will regret it later.

I got married and knew within the first month that I wasn't happy. I stuck with it, and eventually divorced after having children with my ex-husband. 

If she wants to divorce now because she just doesn't want to be in it for any number of reasons, let her go. If it was meant to be, she will not leave.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

well guys its looking like this is over. Originally she felt bad about putting me through this, but at this point it almost seems like she hates me, maybe that's how she is trying to disconnect her emotions from me, but she wont talk to me much or open up to me or let me touch her at all. She is also sleeping in a separate room.

I just don't know anything I can do, and this all happened so fast  within 2 weeks.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She was clearly nowhere near ready to commit to a marriage, not to you or to anyone. It sounds like she wants to remain single.

I know this is painful for you, and I am sorry for that. However, you can't make a marriage by yourself, and it is better to see what she is now rather than later after you've given even more of yourself to her. 

You will be ok. You're in for some rough times, but you will come out the other side just fine.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

Maybe, just maybe she will find the grass is not greener.

But maybe you will no longer be available then.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

something is not right. You have know each other, on and off, for years. But 3 months into the marriage and she completely flips on you? 

I would investigate a little. Maybe see if there are any drugs around? does she drink a lot? VAR in the bedroom? try to read texts on her phone, etc. Its like something sudden has changed with her...you need to figure out what it is.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I wonder if the roomie is more than you think. Especially in the 3 months from wedding to you actually living together. I wouldn't be shocked if they had a fling and now she is confused as to who is the roomie....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You mention her being young a few times... How old is she?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

naiveonedave said:


> I wonder if the roomie is more than you think. Especially in the 3 months from wedding to you actually living together. I wouldn't be shocked if they had a fling and now she is confused as to who is the roomie....


Sigh...
That is what I was thinking.
Time for a hidden var and go out and come back earlier than you said.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

michaelob999 said:


> well guys its looking like this is over. Originally she felt bad about putting me through this, but at this point it almost seems like she hates me, maybe that's how she is trying to disconnect her emotions from me, but she wont talk to me much or open up to me or let me touch her at all. She is also sleeping in a separate room.
> 
> I just don't know anything I can do, and this all happened so fast  within 2 weeks.


That's how they do it. I don't know whether intentional or not. Their subconscious rationalizes it all, and many times to make her right she has to make you wrong.

She will nitpick and faultfind on you like a machine. There's nothing you can do.

Grovelling, pleading and begging make you look even worse.

You may just be done.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

committed4ever said:


> Maybe, just maybe she will find the grass is not greener.
> 
> But maybe you will no longer be available then.


He should really break all contact/block her all together.

No greener grass should remain at HER convenience.

OP, move on, heal and in 6 months to a year start dating looking for what you deserve.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> there is another factor involved in this that I forgot to include. We have a roommate, it is a male roommate, who happens to be her best friend, we are living with him for financial reasons. I know she has no romantic feelings for him, he is married but his wife is currently long distance. (military) so the three of us are living together.
> 
> Could this be hindering the process of us bonding?
> 
> ...


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

We have a winner!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

What practical problems do you face in moving out?

Do you talk with this roommate?

Are you working?

Has she told her family?

She may have cheated or be cheating.

The best course of action is to go dark on her.

Leave while she is at work.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

See_Listen_Love said:


> :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:
> 
> We have a winner!


I hope she didn't bring our guy in to fleece him a bit, with no risk of failure due to the "male friend". They could've been in on it all along.

What a nightmare. Machiavelli would not look kindly upon you for agreeing to live with a females male friend it's not Alpha at all.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> there is another factor involved in this that I forgot to include. We have a roommate, it is a male roommate, who happens to be her best friend, we are living with him for financial reasons. I know she has no romantic feelings for him, he is married but his wife is currently long distance. (military) so the three of us are living together.
> 
> Could this be hindering the process of us bonding?
> 
> ...


Michelob999, you asked for advice in your original post on how to save this relationship that you find yourself in.

I don't have any advice on that.

But I do have some advice for you when you are in your next relationship after you get out of the current one.

1) Don't do a long distance relationship. Make a relationship-in-place, and if for whatever reason you have to move, get her to move with you.

2) Don't have a male roommate living with you and your woman. If you can't swing living by yourself, just the two of you, then YOU are not able to support a relationship, and you shouldn't even try.

3) If you date a girl whose "best friend" is a guy, DON'T DATE HER. Don't move in with her. And for the love of GOD, don't marry her.

4) Learn about boundaries of acceptable behavior, so that you have some, and are able to explain them and, more importantly, enforce them if necessary.

Some good boundaries are "my partner doesn't have a best friend who's a guy. If my partner wants to be with me, she will be with me, not be apart from me in a long distance relationship. My partner won't have sex with other people. My partner will try real hard to get along with my family.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

There is almost certainly someone else. Whether its the roomie or another man- the signs are very recognisable!

Investigate (VARs/GPS etc), gather evidence and expose to all. Then divorce and leave


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Michaelob999, see if you can get an annulment, if adultery is a deal killer for you. It may be cheaper and quicker than a divorce. Also, just for your future consideration, it's a really bad idea to marry female soldiers, due to the basics of the female reproductive drive and the large number of high testosterone males looking for a little relief.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Re: Wife wants divorce right after marriage

This is probably because she could not get a divorce before marriage. :scratchhead:


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

manfromlamancha said:


> There is almost certainly someone else. Whether its the roomie or another man- the signs are very recognisable!
> 
> Investigate (VARs/GPS etc), gather evidence and expose to all. Then divorce and leave


3 months? Nah too much work for so little invested. OP should tell her to go with him to file paperwork at courthouse and get an annulment if possible.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

OP,

Looks to me that the "new car smell" for her turned into swamp ass smell in three months. Don't put up with this garbage and get an annulment if possible. If not file at courthouse with her and tell her that we need to part ways.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

So I guess my next question, is how do I get through this. I have so much stuff, pictures, gifts, and the memories, right now I kind of just feel like a hollow shell. And everything I accidentally let my mind wonder to one of our old happy memories it's excruciating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Oh god I envy you. Why didn't my wife want a divorce right after marriage???

I should have been so lucky!!!

Some day, you're going to thank your lucky star you got out of this horrible situation. This will be the happiest day in your life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> So I guess my next question, is how do I get through this. I have so much stuff, pictures, gifts, and the memories, right now I kind of just feel like a hollow shell. And everything I accidentally let my mind wonder to one of our old happy memories it's excruciating.


You start interacting with her according to the 180 (see link below).

Start doing things for yourself. Get out and meet people. Start an exercise program.

She wants out.. .then you stop being her husband and get on with your life.

How old is your wife and how old are you?


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> You start interacting with her according to the 180 (see link below).
> 
> Start doing things for yourself. Get out and meet people. Start an exercise program.
> 
> ...


. We are 21 and 20, and sorry where is the 180 link?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Surviving An Affair - What Are Plan A and Plan B? 180 for Betrayed Spouses


link


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> . We are 21 and 20, and sorry where is the 180 link?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In my signature block below. 

It says that it's a 180 for betrayed spouses. But you can use in it a situation like yours as well.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> . We are 21 and 20, and sorry where is the 180 link?


You are way to young to be dealing this this kind of nonsense (not that older people should do this either). 

It sounds like she is not mature enough yet for marriage.


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

I don't think you should be seeking a divorce. I don't know much about law but would not an annulment be the better choice.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she wants a divorce and is steadfast about it, there is nothing you can do except concede.

Having a relationship in distance is not the same as an up-close one every single day.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> So I guess my next question, is how do I get through this. I have so much stuff, pictures, gifts, and the memories, right now I kind of just feel like a hollow shell. And everything I accidentally let my mind wonder to one of our old happy memories it's excruciating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


TIME

It's the ONLY tool to get you through it.

Meanwhile, my best advice would be to do LOTS of physical activity/sports etc. Focus on yourself. Go visit family......meet up with friends etc.

IN TIME, things will get better and you will be laughing at yourself (watch).

As for physical memories like pictures etc. 

Dump her, delete EVERYTHING, throw out the pictures and most importantly BREAK CONTACT.

Like I said in my other post. ANY contact = reset of your healing.

You will notice a difference in a month or 2. But give it at least 6 months to a year to heal completely before ANY other relationships.

Time is your friend, don't forget that!!!

DO NOT date or even bother with female until you are completely over it, give it a year. You do NOT want a rebound type of situation up next.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> . We are 21 and 20, and sorry where is the 180 link?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I got married at 20 as well but was lucky enough to have a unselfish, considerate and committed woman.

Your current girl is NOT the person you want for long term marriage!!!

Heck, if she hasn't filed for divorce yet, I would suggest that YOU do it!!!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

michaelob999 said:


> . We are 21 and 20, and sorry where is the 180 link?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. This is basically an Army wives story. Yep, you have nothing but your entire life ahead of you.

I know Machiavelli preaches being Alpha as a male, and in your situation, it just makes being more Alpha simply an intelligent male choice.

Next time don't be so close to a woman who has a male best friend and if there is a male best friend it's you.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

Well guys I guess that is all that needs to be said in this thread. It's over. Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm pretty heartbroken and really depressed and scared right now. But I guess it will be over with eventually
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> Well guys I guess that is all that needs to be said in this thread. It's over. Thanks everyone for the advice. I'm pretty heartbroken and really depressed and scared right now. But I guess it will be over with eventually
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Read the 180 and live by it. You'll get through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The thread is not over. It only just began.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> The thread is not over. It only just began.


I mean unless you guys want to walk me through the next few months. Which is going to be absolute hell. I'm heartbroken right now. I guess part of me is just scared because I'm not the dating type, she was my first girlfriend, and I just want to be married, not go through a ton of relationships and breakups. But what are the chances the next girl or even the one after that is the right one for me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> I mean unless you guys want to walk me through the next few months. Which is going to be absolute hell. I'm heartbroken right now. I guess part of me is just scared because I'm not the dating type, she was my first girlfriend, and I just want to be married, not go through a ton of relationships and breakups. But what are the chances the next girl or even the one after that is the right one for me?


You need to stick around, because you need to completely change your outlook on relationships. You have been indoctrinated with a belief system about how females behave sexually that is completely out of whack with reality. It's the belief system you got in church (where it originated), school, society and from women around you. Women often say they believe one thing, then behave exactly the opposite of the behavior they claim to espouse. Which is a lesson you are in the process of learning the hard way. This is a lesson most modern men refuse to learn. The women will rationalize this counter-behavior to themselves in order to stay sane, but it doesn't make you feel any better.

First, you need to understand that most women (sure there are some exceptions but you didn't get one and your odds of ever finding one aren't that great) respond to a man based on where a man is on a social (approval by other men) and sexual (desire by other women) male hierarchy. Read that link and figure out where you are on the totem pole, then we can talk to see how to work around your limitations with women.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Also remember that power, self control, and independence (as in you'll do just fine without her, thanks) is sexy.

Right now, how are you doing on those three fronts?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> I mean unless you guys want to walk me through the next few months. Which is going to be absolute hell. I'm heartbroken right now. I guess part of me is just scared because I'm not the dating type, she was my first girlfriend, and I just want to be married, not go through a ton of relationships and breakups. But what are the chances the next girl or even the one after that is the right one for me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are far too young to think you need to get married to be happy. You need to be happy first before you get ever have a serious relationship.

You are so young, so much to live in front of you. Put off marriage until your 30's. Get your college education, travel the world, get your career started.

You will be so glad you didn't marry young. Trust me. You have the rest of your life in front of you. Take your time. Good things happen slowly.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Yes we have walked many many spouses through this. If you are smart you will stay and get experienced advice on the issues you are about to encounter. Remember this is all new to you. Regrettably it is not at all new to us.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

michaelob999 said:


> So I guess my next question, is how do I get through this. I have so much stuff, pictures, gifts, and the memories, right now I kind of just feel like a hollow shell. And everything I accidentally let my mind wonder to one of our old happy memories it's excruciating.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 What you do is pack up all the pictures, gifts and memories and stop looking at them.

All that does is bring out the "coulda, woulda, shoulda" things that right now you have no control over. The only thing you can control is yourself.

Yeah it's hard and the people her helping you know that because they went through similar situations, names, places, and things might be different but the end of a relationship is the common denominator and by dwelling on it 24/7 will make it harder.

My advice is move on, give yourself a chance to heal which you wont as long as you keep cruising down memory lane with her. That's why you need to box all the stuff up move out and no communicating with her unless you absolutely have to, then make it quick and to the point and end the conversation.

Your still very young and you have your whole life ahead of you. You made a mistake and now it's a lesson that you learned and don't make again.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> I mean unless you guys want to walk me through the next few months. Which is going to be absolute hell. I'm heartbroken right now. I guess part of me is just scared because I'm not the dating type, she was my first girlfriend, and I just want to be married, not go through a ton of relationships and breakups. But what are the chances the next girl or even the one after that is the right one for me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


michaelob999- I hope you will go back and read every post made after you wrote the above words. Every single post had some pretty great advice.

At 21, you have a lot of life ahead of you, and the sooner you learn what Mchiavelli, in particular, is talking about, the better off you'll be.

The problem with "just wanting to be married" is that the woman you find yourself married to might not be that great of a person (and, obviously, plenty of women marry guys that are bad lifemates, too, butt his thread is about YOU).

At 21, you don't even know what you really like. You think you do, but you don't, really. So plan on dating more women down the road, and find out more about yourself in the process.

"What are the chances the next girl or even the one after her are right for me?"

Its impossible to tell. But here's the thing you have to understand.

There isn't one single "right one" out there. There are over ONE MILLION girls out there that are the "right one" FOR YOU.

You just have to find one of them, and work on the relationship once you get there.

Now get out of this sham marriage you are in, and never, ever speak to your soon-to-be-ex-wife again. And if it isn't clear to you, none of those million women who are right for you have best friends that are guys......


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> I mean unless you guys want to walk me through the next few months. Which is going to be absolute hell. I'm heartbroken right now. I guess part of me is just scared because I'm not the dating type, she was my first girlfriend, and I just want to be married,


Marriages in which the woman is under 25 or the man under 30 end in divorce. It's way over 50%. 

The least divorces occur in the group where the woman is over 25 and has a college degree. The divorce rate in this group is about 25%. 

In today's society, marrying under 30 is pretty much a prescription for divorce. Why? Because the human brain does not even completely mature until the age of about 26. Most people change into completely different people by the time they reach 26. 


michaelob999 said:


> I just want to be married, not go through a ton of relationships and breakups. But what are the chances the next girl or even the one after that is the right one for me?


What you describe here is jumping from one intense relationship to the next, one after another.

The purpose of dating is to take time to find out if a person is material for a long term relationship. The purpose is not to glom onto the first women who will go out with you and try to force that relationship into a permanent one.

There is a very good book that you would benefit from: 
*"Ten Stupid Things Men Do to Mess Up Their Lives"* by Laura Schlessinger 

(Just in case anyone thinks that Laura S. is picking on guys.. there is a similar book for women by her. It's very good as well. Just change "Men" to "Women" in the title.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> You need to stick around, because you need to completely change your outlook on relationships. You have been indoctrinated with a belief system about how females behave sexually that is completely out of whack with reality. It's the belief system you got in church (where it originated), school, society and from women around you. Women often say they believe one thing, then behave exactly the opposite of the behavior they claim to espouse. Which is a lesson you are in the process of learning the hard way. This is a lesson most modern men refuse to learn. The women will rationalize this counter-behavior to themselves in order to stay sane, but it doesn't make you feel any better.
> 
> First, you need to understand that most women (sure there are some exceptions but you didn't get one and your odds of ever finding one aren't that great) respond to a man based on where a man is on a social (approval by other men) and sexual (desire by other women) male hierarchy. Read that link and figure out where you are on the totem pole, then we can talk to see how to work around your limitations with women.


Not really sure where I fit in this. Because iv never really had to date. Delta I guess?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

Like iv never been without a partner/companion. The alone feeling I have right now is pretty unbearable. Also FYI I move out this week. And I feel sick to my stomach. Just the whole tearing away thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> Not really sure where I fit in this. Because iv never really had to date. Delta I guess?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There are men on this site who push what is basically the Pick Up Artist (PUA) point of view that women. It's pretty degrading to women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> Like iv never been without a partner/companion. The alone feeling I have right now is pretty unbearable. Also FYI I move out this week. And I feel sick to my stomach. Just the whole tearing away thing.


Of course you are going to feel bad right now. You will need to process it. You are in grief and thus going through the stages of grief.

You need to learn how to live on your own. Until you can be comfortable being by yourself, you will not find a good partner. This is because you will just cling to any woman who shows you attention.

If you can get into counseling it could help you to learn how to be strong on your own.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

EleGirl,

It is possible to assimilate some aspects of PUA strategy without degrading women. To see women as sexual beings who have a mating strategy is not misogynist in itself, unless it treats women contemptuously.

Michael,

Hit the gym. Cultivate hobbies.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LongWalk said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> It is possible to assimilate some aspects of PUA strategy without degrading women. To see women as sexual beings who have a mating strategy is not misogynist in itself, unless it treats women contemptuously.
> 
> ...


Getting in shape and getting hobbies is not unique to PUA.

Calling women targets, discussing how women do not know what they want, and holding contests to see who can bang the most women in a year is PUA.


----------



## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

DoF said:


> ANY contact = reset of your healing


Oh my gosh. This is one of the most genius pieces of advice I've ever heard.

Where has this been all my life? Why am I just now finding out about it ?? :O


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Marriages in which the woman is under 25 or the man under 30 end in divorce. It's way over 50%. .


This is incorrect, as far as I can determine; so if you have a citation, I'd like to see it.

Where we do find stats are those from the Census' American Community Survey, the Center for Disease Control's (who knew marriage was a disease?) vital statistics, and these two essentially reconfirmed by National Center for Marriage and Family Research at Bowling Green State University through 2010.

What we find is that the outlook for divorce in the USA in the first ten years of marriage is directly tied to the age and ethnicity of the bride.

While the swing between ethnic groups is pretty wide, we'll keep it quick and dirty by using the overall numbers. If you want the ethnic details, click the link above. 

Age of bride and likelihood of divorce within 10 years:
≤18 = 48% (only 33% for Hispanics)
18-19 = 40%
20-24 = 29%
≥25 = 24%



EleGirl said:


> The least divorces occur in the group where the woman is over 25 and has a college degree. The divorce rate in this group is about 25%.


As we see above, without even considering any advanced education or ethnicity, all brides age 25 and above have a 24% divorce rate for ten years out. 



EleGirl said:


> today's society, marrying under 30 is pretty much a prescription for divorce.


See the stats above.



EleGirl said:


> Why? Because the human brain does not even completely mature until the age of about 26. Most people change into completely different people by the time they reach 26.


Well, people don't magically change a whole lot at age 26, what happens is that women tend to having a drop in sexual market value between age 25-30. The higher rates of divorce in the first ten year window for younger brides is directly related to high levels of attention from higher ranking males. Nevertheless, over half of brides under age 18, the riskiest age group, do not divorce at a 50% rate in the first ten years.

And of course, the reason people say the human brain does not fully mature until 25 (end of youth, the apex of life) is that is the point when the zenith has been reached and the long slow decline begins.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> Not really sure where I fit in this. Because iv never really had to date. Delta I guess?


Most guys are, I suppose. Let me ask you, are girls pretty quick to latch onto you and then lose interest? Do girls break up with you more than you break up with them?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There are men on this site who push what is basically the Pick Up Artist (PUA) point of view that women. It's pretty degrading to women.


PUA is just lower ranking males trying to ape higher ranking male behaviors in order to get ONS sex. We're trying to help OP make better LTR choices and strategies to maintain female attraction to him over the long haul.

Just out of curiosity, which PUA strategy do you find "pretty degrading to women?"


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Calling women targets, discussing how women do not know what they want, and holding contests to see who can bang the most women in a year is PUA.


While nobody has suggested he do anything of the like, the above sounds like a conversation between Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and Peter Lawford around 1960, or the more elite high school football players on my team back in 1971. This didn't begin with PUAs, but with the Alphas.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

DoF said:


> *I have a feeling there is someone else in her life*......while she was alone/away/long distance. Most woman will not stray unless have something else lined up.


Outstanding call, DoF.


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## devotion (Oct 8, 2012)

I'm glad I read this thread because maybe I can help you feel hope.

I got married at 21 to my first girlfriend after a little over 3 years of dating. My marriage lasted 14 years, so that part was different. But it still ended. And the fear of being in my mid 30s and starting over was overwhelming. 

I found this forum (not specifically here, but Considering Divorce or Separation) to be instrumental in me to figure out what I did wrong, what was done wrong to me, and to rebuild myself after being shattered. 

I was still concerned about getting back into the dating scene when I felt everyone is going to have a leg up on me. And it was tough. But I worked on the issues I knew were mine (weight, attitude, and a few others). And then I put myself out there. 

I am very lucky that just a few dates in I found another girl. It's still early on in the relationship but there's a lot of promise. And while I know the stuff I screwed up, I can only wish I had gotten divorced sooner so I could start over and be better with a better girl earlier. 

So you should be happy. You will have another chance to fix yourself, to find the right woman for you. And don't forget the option to just be with yourself.. you can only be happy in a relationship once you are happy with yourself. 

Good luck!


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Most guys are, I suppose. Let me ask you, are girls pretty quick to latch onto you and then lose interest? Do girls break up with you more than you break up with them?


Never had any other girlfriend. Not really because I can't, but because it's been a long relationship and I never had to. That being said, I don't plan I date anyone for a good 6 months or so
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> This is incorrect, as far as I can determine; so if you have a citation, I'd like to see it.
> 
> Where we do find stats are those from the Census' American Community Survey, the Center for Disease Control's (who knew marriage was a disease?) vital statistics, and these two essentially reconfirmed by National Center for Marriage and Family Research at Bowling Green State University through 2010.
> 
> ...


There is plenty of science out there that covers the maturing process of the human brain. And yes, around age 26 is when maturity is reached. It does not mean that one day suddenly a person is different, it means that it happens over time. But you know this. But actual science does not support the nonsense snake oil being sold about high ranking males and women's sexual market value.

The rest of this post.. bunk and more bunk


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> Never had any other girlfriend. Not really because I can't, but because it's been a long relationship and I never had to. That being said, I don't plan I date anyone for a good 6 months or so


Get out and meet some girls, just to enjoy their company and interact with them. You don't have to date seriously, just go out and have fun, with no endgame in mind. This sounds crazy to you now, but in no time at all, you'll be wondering what you saw in your wife once you meet some girls with a higher level of integrity. They are out there.

Do girls ever come onto you?


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> There is plenty of science out there that covers the maturing process of the human brain. And yes, around age 26 is when maturity is reached. It does not mean that one day suddenly a person is different, it means that it happens over time. But you know this.


Of course I've read about it, and like all human developmental characteristics, there is a Bell Curve. Some get there earlier and some get there later. For the vast majority there really isn't much actual change after 20, although before then age can accurately be determined by brain development.  

Those who are trying to push so-called "adolescence" out to age 25 are trying to do so based on the hypothesis that the prefrontal cortex is not fully developed until that age. Male risk taking and impulse control is the main factor, but unless you're a auto insurance company, that's a feature, not a bug. You're also overlooking that the people who are pushing this claim women cap out at 23 and men at 25. You only hear the 25 claim, because guys are the big risk takers. And, MRIs aside, this is exactly what we see with car insurance and accident statistics.

This is exactly why the young warriors are the bold warriors. As I say, it's not a bug, it's a feature. It has essentially nothing to do with the age of marriage.



EleGirl said:


> But actual science does not support the nonsense snake oil being sold about high ranking males and women's sexual market value.


The concept of Sexual Market Value, or relative sexual attraction, has been understood at some level for thousands of years. 



EleGirl said:


> The rest of this post.. bunk and more bunk


Tell it to the CDC and the Census Bureau.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There is plenty of science out there that covers the maturing process of the human brain. And yes, around age 26 is when maturity is reached. It does not mean that one day suddenly a person is different, it means that it happens over time. But you know this. But actual science does not support the nonsense snake oil being sold about high ranking males and women's sexual market value.
> 
> The rest of this post.. bunk and more bunk


I'm literally tearing up I'm laughing so hard, so thanks for that.

My god. Go check some personals on dating websites or something. 

Listen. What attracts women to men is bounded in many cases, sometimes subconsciously, by the man's physical dominance, assertive behaviour, and the ability to provide.

As is men's attraction to women of childbearing age that can give them many healthy babies for a very, very long time. No, there is no "magic age," it's a trend line. 

It's there for men too, it's just different. You don't generally see a 20-something hottie dating an 80 year old man... unless that man has a TON of money, of course . Just like you don't generally see the opposite.

We are a sexually dimorphic species for a reason, and our secondary sexual features are triggers for attraction and repulsion responses.

Quoth the wikipedia:
According to Daly and Wilson, "The sexes differ more in human beings than in monogamous mammals, but much less than in extremely polygamous mammals." One proposed explanation is that human sexuality has developed more in common with its close relative the bonobo, who have similar sexual dimorphism and which are polygynandrous and use recreational sex to reinforce social bonds and reduce aggression.​
In other words, we occupy the uncomfortable, but fun, zone between extreme monogamy and extreme polygamy as a species, and use these secondary traits as triggers for both procreation and socio-economic reasons.

Check this out:
http://homepage.psy.utexas.edu/HomePage/Group/BussLAB/pdffiles/evolution_of_human_mating_2007.pdf

Because women have a large obligatory parental investment to produce children, and therefore are predicted to be discriminating in their mate choice, on what qualities should they base their desires? Potential mates vary in thousands of ways, from height and weight to social skills, from athletic ability to hair color. Adaptationist thinking provides a guide to hypotheses about the evolution of what women want. *Women are predicted to desire characteristics that reliably lead to an increase in women’s reproductive success. These include selecting a mate who (1) is able to invest resources in her and her children, (2) is able to physically protect her and her children, (3) shows promise as a good parent, and (4) will be sufficiently compatible in goals and values* to enable strategic alignment without inflicting too many costs on her and her children (Buss, 1994/2003)...

Overall, 62% of the cultures showed a significant sex difference, always in the direction of *men valuing virginity more than women*. There were no reversals of this pattern...

*Men universally wanted mates who were younger than themselves, confirming the hypothesis that men desire this powerful fertility cue (see Figure 5). This proved to be the strongest sex difference in the 37 culture study.*​


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

EleGirl,

Why do you dislike evolutionary psychology as the explanation for the basic driving forces in human mating behavior?

What other explanation could there be?


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

What's up guys. Just checking in. I'm actually doing great. It's weird but I feel....liberated....I bought a new car, I'm getting in great shape and I can pretty much do whatever I want. I'm planning on doing some backpacking in Europe for a bit, and gonna drive around the US and is it some cities, because why not. The whole key for me at least was A) no contact, remove everything related to them. B) I personally find a change of scenery helps, because it gives you that "I'm making progress" to look towards the future. C) stop thinking about them, and when you do remember the bad things. D) find stuff to do, it's hard and you won't feel like it. But just do it anyway. The first week blows though. Speaking of which, this website is one of those things that brings back memories. So I might cut this off as well, as weird as that sounds. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Sounds good. 

Have you ever thought about covering a stretch of the Appalachian trail?

I read that Greece has gotten a lot cheaper.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> EleGirl,
> 
> Why do you dislike evolutionary psychology as the explanation for the basic driving forces in human mating behavior?
> 
> What other explanation could there be?


??

Science is only one way of stumbling around with a blindfold to draw a map of an large scrap yard. The models used try to explain reality as perceived. They are replaced now and then. So there will be a multitude of new theories in the future.

Besides that, although I myself like to use it now and then, it is only one model. Your question seems to imply you need to have it true because of a prior assumption. That is understandable, but not scientific.

Only my sorry 0.02.


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## michaelob999 (Jun 5, 2014)

What's up guys just checking in. So it's been....interesting to say the least. It's been 2 months now, there was of course the terrible period right after it happened, then I started to actually feel pretty good... Now just this past 3-4 days, I don't know what happened but I feel like I just crashed and burned. Massive panic attacks, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like doing any activities, I feel extremely tired all the time, confidence is gone, I feel on edge all the time. How do I calm myself down?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> What's up guys just checking in. So it's been....interesting to say the least. It's been 2 months now, there was of course the terrible period right after it happened, then I started to actually feel pretty good... Now just this past 3-4 days, I don't know what happened but I feel like I just crashed and burned. Massive panic attacks, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like doing any activities, I feel extremely tired all the time, confidence is gone, I feel on edge all the time. How do I calm myself down?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Life is a rollercoaster, you are at the bottom (again).....relax, it will pass.

Meanwhile, how do you make yourself calm down and feel better?

Answer: physical activity (work out/sports/walk etc).

More you do it, better you will feel.....


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

I just love Mach's "drop in sexual market value" for women 25-50. Lol. I had more interested men when I was nearing 40 than ever before I'm my life, so don't know where you came up with that. 

oP, I had something similar happen to me. Got married and my ex decided he didn't want to be married within one month. I don't think he met anyone else, but who knows. It was very hard for months, but it got better over time. My self-esteem really took a nosedive, my finances were shot, etc. But when he came groveling back, I was able to shut the door in his face and say no way. 

Life will go on. You're young - enjoy life. You can enjoy life without a relationship. Relationships are lots of work, and sometimes I wonder if they are worth it. You can love life doing the things you want to do, dating some and making sure you get into a relationship for the right reasons, not because you're lonely.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

michaelob999 said:


> So the deal is we have been long distance for over a year, but stayed in constant contact through texting and email, before that we were 2 years non-long distance.


Long distance and texting someone is not the same at all as living with someone day to day. Could be she has realized you're just not that compatible

If she wants out no matter what and doesn't want to work on things, you will have to concede. Unless you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

It sounded like to me that the wife was already living with her best friend. That guys wife was gone for military duty for some period. Wow!!!! AYFKM?

Sorry I have lived in these type of military surroundings and it is not surprising that this did not work out.

They were extremely young. His wife lived with this other guy. No? Six months? A week? A day? If not where was she living before while apart?

So all four in the military? He moved on. Excellent.

But life is like this. It takes significant time to go thru withdrawal. You are experiencing doubts at this time in your life. What are your life plans period. Not about women but your life plan? When do you get out? What will yu be doing when you get out?


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

michaelob999 said:


> What's up guys just checking in. So it's been....interesting to say the least. It's been 2 months now, there was of course the terrible period right after it happened, then I started to actually feel pretty good... Now just this past 3-4 days, I don't know what happened but I feel like I just crashed and burned. Massive panic attacks, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like doing any activities, I feel extremely tired all the time, confidence is gone, I feel on edge all the time. How do I calm myself down?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Workout. It will allow you to take control over yourself and your mind.

When your sitting there resting too much the thoughts will overwhelm you and get you down.

I would be doing a lot of working out and actively participating in some new hobbies or old ones that you killed for your ex.

Also put yourself into some new social scenes. With enough time and POSITIVE experiences the negative past will be minimized.

Also it REALLY helps to get some new "tang" if you know what I'm saying. It will help your mind to keep the past in the past and the current and future ahead of you.

If you never get some new "tang" it will feel like you really haven't moved forward.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

tennisstar said:


> I just love Mach's "drop in sexual market value" for women 25-50. Lol. I had more interested men when I was nearing 40 than ever before I'm my life, so don't know where you came up with that.
> 
> oP, I had something similar happen to me. Got married and my ex decided he didn't want to be married within one month. I don't think he met anyone else, but who knows. It was very hard for months, but it got better over time. My self-esteem really took a nosedive, my finances were shot, etc. But when he came groveling back, I was able to shut the door in his face and say no way.
> 
> ...


What if the relationship was that you both enjoyed each other and it's fun?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Since finally moving in with you, she has realized SHE IS NOT INTO YOU AT ALL. Marriage seemed like a great idea, probably something she always wanted, until she had to actually BE MARRIED to you.

Long distance relationships RARELY work.

She is not feeling it with you. It won't get better from here if you are making her flesh crawl. The chemistry, the attraction, the draw, is not there with you. Let it go.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

DoF said:


> But that's simply because I know men all too well. No man will be friends with a girl/woman they don't find attractive/wouldn't bang.



Well, that's not exactly true. The ONLY women I am close friends with, I find the opposite of attractive  And that's OK.

The thing about young people and boundaries, though, is they think they are smarter or more evolved and such, and yeah... there's a good chance one of them is carrying a torch of some kind for the other (we shall presume the friended male), and thus they are kind of kept around to feed an immature narcissistic ego.

Using people for an ego fix is not real friendship, if any one of them harbors any romantic interest at all, then good boundaries don't exist and it's not real friendship, and more importantly, one shouldn't be having private chats with members of the opposite sex who are 'friends' unless it's right there in front of their partner (even if the friend is a woman who makes grisly old truckers look feminine by comparrison). I am just too old to deal with that nonsense anymore


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Sounds good.
> 
> Have you ever thought about covering a stretch of the Appalachian trail?
> 
> I read that Greece has gotten a lot cheaper.


A Greece trip? How much and point us to websites.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

happy as a clam said:


> Since finally moving in with you, she has realized SHE IS NOT INTO YOU AT ALL. Marriage seemed like a great idea, probably something she always wanted, until she had to actually BE MARRIED to you.
> 
> Long distance relationships RARELY work.
> 
> She is not feeling it with you. It won't get better from here if you are making her flesh crawl. The chemistry, the attraction, the draw, is not there with you. Let it go.


You must not have read the entire story. The wife was never with him but for convenience. She really "lived" with her male friend and the husband moved in while the "wife" took advantage of a situation where she and her friend had power.

That's all it is to it, he got schemed. Happens to a lot of folks. You can be vigilent and still be schemed.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

treyvion said:


> You must not have read the entire story. The wife was never with him but for convenience. She really "lived" with her male friend and the husband moved in while the "wife" took advantage of a situation where she and her friend had power.
> 
> That's all it is to it, he got schemed. Happens to a lot of folks. You can be vigilent and still be schemed.



That's a depressing story.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

TimeHeals said:


> That's a depressing story.


Another military wives story. You learn and you move on.

Many of us have been through several dozen hardships, near death experiences or crazy situations we didn't ask for.


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## cuchulain36 (Jul 8, 2014)

No kids? I would cut my losses and move on, she doesn't love you, count your blessings you're not on the hook for child support for the next 25 years and young enough to start over with really nothing lost.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

michaelob999 said:


> there is another factor involved in this that I forgot to include. We have a roommate, it is a male roommate, who happens to be her best friend, we are living with him for financial reasons. I know she has no romantic feelings for him, he is married but his wife is currently long distance. (military) so the three of us are living together.
> 
> Could this be hindering the process of us bonding?
> 
> ...


Uh oh....


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## Samayouchan (Jun 1, 2012)

Sounds like she wasnt too sure she was ready to jump in. MY husband and I dated via Skype from June to November, having maybe 5-6 weeks in person. (He was stationed in CA and I lived near his Family in SC/NC area) We eloped mid November and have been married for 3 years now and have our first child at 7 months old. Maybe she thought she was ready but realized she made a mistake? I dont know. I'm so sorry to hear that this is happening to you. Maybe consider marriage counseling first before signing off on the D word. It might clarify some things! Best of luck!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

michaelob999 said:


> What's up guys just checking in. So it's been....interesting to say the least. It's been 2 months now, there was of course the terrible period right after it happened, then I started to actually feel pretty good... Now just this past 3-4 days, I don't know what happened but I feel like I just crashed and burned. Massive panic attacks, I don't feel like eating, I don't feel like doing any activities, I feel extremely tired all the time, confidence is gone, I feel on edge all the time. How do I calm myself down?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These look to me like signs of depression. Not very strange in your case, but why now? Was there an impulse of some kind just before that could have caused this?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Michael, I am truly sorry to have you here. Here are my observations:


Although I met my wife when I was 20 (and she was 23) I had already been through a lot in life and was more mature than most 20 year olds. Also I didn't get married until I was 24. Even then I thought that I was still learning about marriage and life. It may just be that you (and she) were just too young to be married.

From what I have read, you really didn't know this girl. You think you did but you didn't really and hopefully when looking back, you will agree. The long distance periods apart certainly didn't help and you seemed to rush into marriage during one of your short periods together. Your longest time together was 2 years followed by periods apart again. I, for one, do not think that the two of you were compatible - yet (maybe later when older and more mature).

Out of curiosity, was money involved in this relationship ? Did you ever send her sums of money ? For anything ?

You refer to "not thinking about them" in some of your posts. Who is the "them"? Did you mean "her" or did you find something that suggested there was a "them" ? And if so, I am assuming you mean the "roomie" best friend of hers.

It sounds like what you are experiencing now is the occasional panic attack and bout of depression and you need to take the necessary actions to combat this - see a doctor.

All in all, you got off this lightly - others have not been as lucky as you and kids and finances etc were involved.


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