# More than a porn addiction...



## vballchick10

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5 years, and spent 3 years trying to get pregnant. Needless to say, it put a lot of strain on our sex life. It was really hard to feel spontaneous or even excited about sex when we were on a schedule and going through fertility treatments for that long. We began having less and less sex and quit the fertility treatments and somehow we finally got pregnant! I'm only 3 weeks from my due date now.

A couple of months ago he forgot to log out of his email account and when I looked at the computer he had a LOT of emails from other women and had profiles on several "friend finder" sites. Some of the emails were just days old and some were up to a year old so it had been going on for a while. I was devastated. While we were trying to get pregnant, I knew that he had felt a lot of pressure and he had pretty much quit touching me unless it was "that time of the month." We completely quit communicating about sex at all and just went through the motions when we had to. I spent months and months wondering whether my husband was still even attracted to me. I waited several days to try to get my thoughts in order and decide what to do. Then he came home one night and found me crying. I told him what I had found and he didn't get mad at me for snooping. He just told me how sorry he was and how our baby and I were the most important things in his life and he didn't mean to hurt me. He said that it was just porn and he would never cheat on me. We talked for a while and he said he would stop. 

I wanted proof that he had actually stopped so I installed a key logger on our computer so I could know what he's doing when I'm not there. He hasn't stopped. He is just being sneakier. He deletes the history every time he's on the computer. He still has his profiles up on those websites and still emails other women. He's now paying for live sex chats a couple times a week. He's an ad salesman so he spends a lot of days at home on the computer communicating with other women and looking at porn. When he's not at home, I'm worried about where he might be. Every day when I get home from work the first thing I do is check the computer and most days he spends up to 4 hours looking at porn, emailing women, checking his different profiles, and chatting live.

I confronted him about it one more time a couple of weeks ago when I had another melt down and he told me everything he had told me the first time. I let him lie to me because I don't know what to do.

He's been so much more affectionate the last couple of months since I found the emails which is making everything that much harder on me. He always wants to cuddle and he kisses me every day more passionately than he has in years. We even been more active in the bedroom than we have in a long time. I don't doubt that he loves me. It just breaks my heart to know what he's doing behind my back.

I would just like to hear some advice on what I should do. Is it really just porn when he's actually contacting other women? I don't mind porn. We used to watch it together, but this feels like more than just porn to me. Should I lay out all of the proof I have of what he's been doing and hope that he stops? The only thing that worries me about that is that he'll try to find another way to chat with these women. Right now I at least know what he's doing and I don't have any evidence that he's actually fooled around with anyone else. Should I suggest counseling? Should I wait and see if the birth of our baby changes anything? I love him and I don't want to leave him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## AWorkInProgress

vballchick-

I am so sorry you find yourself here for this reason..(((((hugs)))))

First off....your husband sounds like her wants to minimize it (typical reaction to shame) and call it "just porn". However, I get the feeling you wouldn't define it that way.

Regardless of how it's labeled, you feel betrayed (and rightly so).

Second... it sounds like your husband has chosen sex (or a sexual outlet) to escape or relieve his stress...now it's to the point where he "uses" often...perhaps it has become compulsive for him (where he feels it is difficult to control).

I would suggest you lovingly confront him. Tell him you are aware that he has not been honest with you and that you are aware it goes beyond porn. While pron has been acceptable for you and your husband in the past, it may no longer be appropriate.

Develop a plan for how you want to see change. It may require some real 'tough love' stipulations (limited computer time, monitoring software, attending a sex addicition group, abstinence from porn altogether). But you and your husband need a plan. 

Your husband has got to be given a choice (his pleasure [possible addiction] or his wife and child).

my 2 cents.


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## Wiserforit

The problem with having an underground secret life apart from your wife like this is that you don't have someone there to stop you from the stupid, stupid decisions you make and risks you take from delusional thinking.

He has to agree to complete transparency, and he has to fess up to what he's been doing. I'd be laying out the proof. Giving him the ultimatum.


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## PBear

It's not just porn. He's one email away from finding a playmate who doesn't care if he's married or not. And I say this as someone who used those "friend finder" sites to find two affair partners. All it takes is an email from someone local that he finds attractive and says the right things sexually. You need to treat this you would him texting or talking to someone sexually. Check out (and post in) the infidelity forum. 

The only reason he's "addicted" to it is because there's been no consequences to his actions. And even if he is addicted, he needs to understand that unless he stop, he's going to be a part time dad paying child support. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## matthewm

Hi, I hear this a lot now a days about relationships being towrn a part by "just porn" but as a man myself reading this that you have posted, I can say it's not just porn he is looking at because porn is video and photos, not really live chatting and emailing with real live women.

My opion would be that your Husband feels, left out or like he doesn't get enough attention from you in some way.

Even if you bring it out in to the open between the two of you he will just over control the conoversation and justfi it like he has been doing.

I would say go to marriage counseling because with a 3rd party insider he will be getting expsosed and won't know how to cover it up because deep down he loves you, but on the surface he is hiding and want's to run wild.

I say also try to show him more attention and find out what his want's are not sexaully..

Hope this helps.


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## AWorkInProgress

My husband struggles with sexual addiction...he has told me that his addiction...his escape using porn/sex was never about any lacking from me (in frequency or fun)...
...it was a coping mechanism he learned in his younger years...soon what drew him into escape beacme darker/riskier....it became his drug.

One of the toughest things for me to understand was that there was nothing I did or didn't do to CAUSE him to use porn/sex...it was all on him.


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## HuggyBear

Okay, you know he's using these sites. Your keylogger (and probably computer history) has the passwords....

Go onto the sites... change the password, then log on as him, and simply change his status! Beginning tomorrow, his email will be filled with replies from many eager and horny men looking for his "man-pleasing mouth."

Let his "fingers do the walking" contacting all these sites via emails to try to get things changed, to get his credit card off of the sites, or simply to delete his now-defaced profile.

Eventually he'll know that you know, and a valuable lesson will be learned.

Easy, huh?


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## Thebes

I know how you feel, my husband likes the porn a little too much for me. Ever since he cheated and I found nude pictures of her I can't stand him looking at it at all. I also use to look at it with him and was okay with him looking some. Then I realized he was looking for hours a day and had thousands of pictures of women on DVD that he had collected.

Now I every time he has been on the computer I think he's looking at porn and collecting more pictures of women. I snoop a lot, didn't use to be this way but I don't trust him. I feel like he would cheat again if he had the chance.

If he keeps hiding stuff from you and lies about what he is doing the day is going to come your not going to believe anything he tells you. 

Since your husband has been in contact with these women I have to wonder if more has been going on than you know.


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## lisab0105

Holy cow...please do NOT lovingly confront! Go f'cking AWOL on his sorry @ss. He is not looking at porn, he is trying to find ways of cheating on you. You don't go to friend finder sites for porn, you go to find someone to have an affair with. Trust me, I have one at home that used to do the same damn crap. 

Do not believe a word out of his mouth. He is trying to cheat on you, if he hasn't already. Don't ask him what he needs sexually that you are not giving him. HE HAS THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU!! You need to go Nuclear on him and scare the sh*t out of him NOW! Before he does something he can not take back.


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## eyuop

lisab0105 said:


> Holy cow...please do NOT lovingly confront! Go f'cking AWOL on his sorry @ss. He is not looking at porn, he is trying to find ways of cheating on you. You don't go to friend finder sites for porn, you go to find someone to have an affair with. Trust me, I have one at home that used to do the same damn crap.
> 
> Do not believe a word out of his mouth. He is trying to cheat on you, if he hasn't already. Don't ask him what he needs sexually that you are not giving him. HE HAS THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU!! You need to go Nuclear on him and scare the sh*t out of him NOW! Before he does something he can not take back.


As tough as this sounds, I would agree. You have to stand up for yourself. I'm not convinced that "going Nuclear" is your best route (depends on a lot of factors), but you can't simply tolerate this behavior. You need to do the right thing for you first. You know when you are on an airplane and they talk about the oxygen masks dropping from the ceiling? Do you remember what you are supposed to do? You fit your own mask first before helping the rest. Why? Because you are no help to anyone if you are passed out from lack of oxygen. You need some oxygen!


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## Alexandria

I like your style! Yeah, screw all of this... it's your fault, you don't give him attention, blah, blah. If that was the case, he would/should talk to you about it. He is just not casually checking out porn, he is addicted! And, to top it off, it is not just porn, he is having online relationships with real women. And, all you do is cry and he comforts you and then goes back to the porn and real women. I would get the F out. Nothing spells STOP your sh-t like leaving. You have already calmly talked to him and it is not working. He had an addiction, so either demand counseling or leave.




lisab0105 said:


> Holy cow...please do NOT lovingly confront! Go f'cking AWOL on his sorry @ss. He is not looking at porn, he is trying to find ways of cheating on you. You don't go to friend finder sites for porn, you go to find someone to have an affair with. Trust me, I have one at home that used to do the same damn crap.
> 
> Do not believe a word out of his mouth. He is trying to cheat on you, if he hasn't already. Don't ask him what he needs sexually that you are not giving him. HE HAS THE PROBLEM, NOT YOU!! You need to go Nuclear on him and scare the sh*t out of him NOW! Before he does something he can not take back.


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## Jambri

"A couple of months ago he forgot to log out of his email account and when I looked at the computer he had a LOT of emails from other women and had profiles on several "friend finder" sites. "

This is not porn, this is the early stage of setting up an affair.


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## Alexandria

I agree. It is not like he is calling sex lines to talk to some random fatty sitting on her couch telling you to stroke your junk, he is conversing with REAL women, probably wanting REAL, live sex. Don't be a wimp, LEAVE.




Jambri said:


> "A couple of months ago he forgot to log out of his email account and when I looked at the computer he had a LOT of emails from other women and had profiles on several "friend finder" sites. "
> 
> This is not porn, this is the early stage of setting up an affair.


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## *LittleDeer*

He needs some dire consequences and he needs to know you will absolutely leave him. He's minimising his behaviour. 

He cannot be trusted, Counseling is a must and I would ask for complete transparency, also you might want to check his phone records.


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