# I hope I can be a better husband



## stressedoutsoul (Jan 17, 2014)

Hi All,

I am new here. I hope this is the right forum. I hope to tell my story for those who cares to read and hopefully get some advice. 

I've met my wife for 17 years and been married for 10 years. I love her dearly, more than anything in this world. I must admit that I spend a lot of time thinking about work. I probably sound like a typical bad husband, and I am. I am very loyal and faithful, but I never spend too much thinking about the details our lives and relationships. My wife feels that she has to make all the decisions and planning about our daily lives. She feels very stressed because of that. We now have a very active 4yr old boy, so you can imagine she feels even more stressed. She is so upset with me these days that she mentioned about divorce several times. 

For a long time, I wrongfully thought that if I work hard, provide our family with the lifestyle that she likes and remain loyal to her, than all will be fine. Moreover, if I let her make all the decisions about our daily life, than I won't have to fight over small details. So what end up happening over the years is that she does many of the chores and planning in the house. I have my share of duty, such as cleaning the floor and bathroom, laundry, taking out the garbage, dropping the kid to daycare, but not nearly as much as what she has to do. I tried to "help" more over the years, but I ended up not sticking to them, or not doing them well. So basically, I am not helping. She feels like that she is taking care of a grown child and she is feeling very resentful of me.

Being an idiot, for a long time I didn't understand why she was mad. We have a good life, why are you upset. I was thinking that I have a very time consuming and stressful job, and I am not complaining, why are you complaining. I finally start to realize that I had it all wrong. She didn't want me to work this hard. I think (??) that she wants more of my attention. I am always this big picture, big problem kind of guy. Don't bother me unless the world is falling apart. But I just realize in my relationship with my wife, this is the wrong attitude. Over the years, I learn to become a better listeners. I also realize that I can't solve her problems most of the time. I just need to be there, listen, and shut up. I guess it is the detail and little things that matter to my wife and I am a complete failure. I am so forgetful and absent minded that almost seem pathological. I am not trying to blame that I have some sort of disease, but it is just not good. 

I want to show her that I care about her deeply and would do anything to change. For a long time, I focused on "doing more chores" as a way to address our problems. But I just learn that my problem is not just chores, it is that I need to reconnect with my wife. Here is what I plan to do for now. I will spend more time with her, do things that both she and I like. Start taking care detail things about our lives more carefully and quickly. I know things won't change overnight and I know I will need to work on bettering myself for a long time. I also accepted the fact that I am an idiot and I may have ruined my marriage.

I know I am in a very bad shape and I appreciate any suggestion.


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## tigerlily99 (Nov 21, 2015)

You are not an idiot if you are trying be a good husband and are here getting advice!
(This notion that men are idiots because they don't read their wives minds is ridiculous. IMO) If you get any two humans in a room together (male or female) they are going to address the very same tasks very differently. 

What I see from what you've shared is that you've lost connection because your trying to guess what she wants with a few clues here and there, but you need for her to specifically tell you what she wants and needs.
She may not even know exactly!
She may think it's more chores and perhaps had alluded to that and then realized that's not it and needs to be able to revise that stance.

If you were working for someone (not saying that your wife is your boss, but just for a comparison) and they wanted you to complete a job for them wouldn't you ask enough questions to make sure that you complete the job according to their specifications?
If along the way you weren't sure of exactly how they wanted it done or something new came up, wouldn't you ask what was required. Maybe not I don't know what profession you are in, but you get my drift, right?
You aren't going to just guess and hope that it's right if they are paying you to do it.

Yet in marriage which is way more important than a profession we somehow expect to just automatically know what someone wants without them specifically telling us.
(And vice versa) 

The reason you didn't know that what you were doing for 10 years wasn't working for her is because she didn't tell you.

She didn't realize that you think and act and approach life from a completely different perspective than her. Or maybe she didn't know it would be ok to ask for certain things she wanted.
There are a variety of different reasons why one spouse doesn't speak up. And then by the time they do they are frustrated and discouraged.

Please by all means don't take all the blame. You have provided, been faithful and from what it sounds like you live your wife very much! But DO take on the new 'job' of discovering together what will make you both happy in this marriage.

She will need to be specific. You will need to be patient. You will both need to be transparent and vulnerable with each other. Talk about how things were done in your families of origin. Talk about how your expectations were different entering into the marriage. How can you address them now and forge something that you are both happy with?
Ask her to tell you what her ideal picture would be and you give her yours. This will take time, not just one talk, but many. A daily talk, as each day holds new things for all of us.

Most likely she wants to be more of a partner in the household. But don't just cater to her and try to do whatever SHE wants, bring your whole self to the table. Talk about what YOU want too!

This could be the beginning of a beautiful thing if you two can look at as a project you tackle TOGETHER!


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

So what blew up all of a sudden in your marriage that caused you to make this post? Specifically what did she say?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You sound like a good man that is willing to take responsibility for his flaws. I think you plan is good as long as you follow through consistently. As the other poster said, don't accept ALL of the responsibility. Ask yourself what do you need from her? Does she need to communicate better?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Have you tried talking to your wife about all this? Telling her this stuff?

You say you did what you thought you needed to do for years and have now found out it wasn't what she needed. So now you have another plan. Have you discussed this with your wife, or have you once again decided you have all the answers and you're going to just go ahead and fix this yourself?

You need the book His Needs Her Needs badly.

His Needs, Her Needs


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Women (men too!) need to be emotionally connected. Consider the progression of a relationship and what the implications are. We meet and we court the woman. Courtship involves limitless romance and 100% of our attention. Fast-forward to where you are now, where the relationship is focused on things, and not the people doing those things. To connect, we have to do so interpersonally, not through chores.

Stop focusing on what more you can do for her. Focus on the connection, heart to heart, and soul to soul. Take her out of the caregiver mindset; she wants to feel like a woman, romanced and sexy. 

You can turn this around in 1 day (on your end), although it may take her a bit of time. Do this, but respect and accept that she will have to warm back up.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

stressedoutsoul said:


> She is so upset with me these days that she mentioned about divorce several times.


What exactly did she say?

A couple of things to point out. If there is not another party involved, by that I mean another man, then your communication needs improvement.

She probably is not communicating effectively enough so that you know exactly what she needs from you to feel loved. You are having issues providing leadership a follow through. 

You might start by reading a couple of books, "5 Love Languages" and "His Needs Her Needs". Reading them together would be a great idea. As has been mentioned you cannot read her mind and what you are assuming should work isn't. Reading the books should help you figure out what is going to work.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

you need to figure out priorities between you and your wife.

for example; what comes first, career or marriage relationship? money, status, home, savings, or live for today?

many men (and you know this, that's why you're here) seek career first at the expense of marriage.
they believe that providing a upscale or comfortable life and future for their family, then they've fulfilled their primary duty as a husband.
I am going to guess, this is the numero uno thing guys make a mistake in marriage.
I would venture to guess, many women are ok with this.

as you know, it takes a heck of a lot of dedication and energy to make a great career. but often times, the marriage goes on autopilot.

so, i would suggest having a pow-pow with your wife. talk about your life priorities. talk about your dreams, hopes, vision for your kids and for your future.
is Money really that important? Is it no. 1, number 2, number 3? maybe you have to scale back. take another job that reduces stress and allows more time for wife and family.
on the other hand, if your wife says money and status are very important,.........well you can't have it both ways.

you know many people are happy in fulfilling, challenging jobs that tax the mind and make a decent $ without killing themselves and allows time
to be more than your career. like a husband, dad, neighbor, et.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@stressedoutsoul.

What else is going on?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

stressedoutsoul said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am new here. I hope this is the right forum. I hope to tell my story for those who cares to read and hopefully get some advice.
> 
> ...


Dude, been there and have a closet full of the t-shirts. I was the same. Work hard, provide, roof over head and all is well. Yeah...not. I was failing big in the really important part of the marriage. Making my W first priority. Lord knows she always makes me first priority. 

What I had to learn:
1. "let it go." Work that is. Work stays at work. When I get home W gets the undivided attention. The work stress of the day stays at work. 

2. Kids. Yep, got two. Always look after them. However, W comes first. I find that happy parents have happy productive kids. 

3. Start dating again. I did and what a thrill for both of us. It is like we started all over again. Best part is...it has not stopped. So, movie and dinner. Day away doing something she likes. 

4. Flower and notes every now and then go a long way. At least for my W. Not unusual I place a post-it note on her steering wheel or in her sunglass case. 

The reciprocation of love and caring, at least in my case, has grown 100x. Chores help but ultimately my W simply wanted me. It is always great to be wanted. Unless you have a warrant. :grin2: I have been married 21 years this coming April. My revelation that you are now experiencing only came 2 years ago. So, you can turn this around.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Why do you want to be a better husband?

What does being better mean?

Who came up with that definition of better -- you or your wife?

Change that's for you can stick. Change that's to make her happy is less likely to stick.


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## stressedoutsoul (Jan 17, 2014)

Thank you for all the advice and encouragement. Reading your comments and questions have been really helpful and sometime comforting. Thinking back over some of the fights we had, one of the thing she complained about was that I am not romantic. At that time I didn't know what she wanted. I still don't. I tried to do romantic stuffs, but either they didn't seem to resonate or I just never follow through. Over the years, she stopped complaining about me not being romantics, but more on other chore related stuffs. Then the last several fights that we had, she brought up that she wants a husband and not a room mate. I finally begin to realize that maybe she wanted more of my time and attention.
I think one of the problem is that she doesn't really know how she wanted me to be romantic. I know that she is not into the grand gestures, but instead into small details. My problem is that I get frustrated and give up if I don't see some response. I just need to be more consistent and try harder.

I like Relationship Teacher's advice. I shouldn't try to do more, but focus on reconnecting and romance. I must admit, this is hard for me. I can, and tried, some of those gestures from TV and movies. They either felt silly or didn't really work. But I also don't know if they didn't work because I didn't care for it or I wasn't patient enough. 

Yeswecan, thank you for your encouragement. I figure it is the simple little thing that will be the best. I am drawing a card for our anniversary using illustrator (yes, I am very geeky).

jorgegene, you asked what is more important. It is definitely my marriage. Same with my wife, I think. She told me not to take on more work for more pay, so I know where she stands. 

Hope1964, you are right that I am the kind of guy that always try to fix thing and think that I have the answer. I know, after many failures, that I don't have the answer. Now my mentality is just to try and hope for the best. I used to ask what she wants and it didn't go well. We would fight even more because she was very frustrated that I didn't get it in the first place. I probably said stupid things and maybe criticized her. I don't know. I am hesitant to ask what she wants because she would just tell me all the things that we fought about before. I will try again in a more subtle way, if I know how... The book His Needs Her Needs seems to be highly recommended. I will take a look.

tigerlily99, thank you. I would like to think that it is not 100% my fault, but nonetheless the burden is mostly on me to change. marduk, you have some very tough questions. I do want to make my wife happy. I am unhappy because she isn't. But I see the point that doing only things that make her happy while I don't like it won't help. I start to understand it. I need to find things that will make both of us happy, then it will last.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Wonder how this story turned out? He was describing me, the first 27 or so years of our marriage. Pretty much exactly me. I made a huge turnaround about 12 years ago, making an effort to take my wife on vacations to places *she* wanted to go, making them as special as possible for her. And took more interest around the house, although that really didn't change in a big way until much more recently.

My guess is that it his future will be a lot brighter, after 40 years of marriage, if he changes sooner than later. I'm still getting a whole lot of "You weren't really there for me for 25 years" stuff and even though the last 14 have been infinitely better, I still suffer for that first 25. Looking back, I get it. I was too concerned and stressed about the business and saw my job as bringing home the $$$ so she could spend them. I thought, mistakenly, that that's how things were supposed to work, that's something she would fully appreciate.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

stressedoutsoul said:


> Hi All,
> 
> I am new here. I hope this is the right forum. I hope to tell my story for those who cares to read and hopefully get some advice.
> 
> ...


You are my husband in past years. 



> Being an idiot, for a long time I didn't understand why she was mad. We have a good life, why are you upset. I was thinking that I have a very time consuming and stressful job, and I am not complaining, why are you complaining. I finally start to realize that I had it all wrong. She didn't want me to work this hard. I think (??) that she wants more of my attention. I am always this big picture, big problem kind of guy. Don't bother me unless the world is falling apart. But I just realize in my relationship with my wife, this is the wrong attitude. Over the years, I learn to become a better listeners. I also realize that I can't solve her problems most of the time. I just need to be there, listen, and shut up. I guess it is the detail and little things that matter to my wife and I am a complete failure. I am so forgetful and absent minded that almost seem pathological. I am not trying to blame that I have some sort of disease, but it is just not good.
> 
> I want to show her that I care about her deeply and would do anything to change. For a long time, I focused on "doing more chores" as a way to address our problems. But I just learn that my problem is not just chores, it is that I need to reconnect with my wife. Here is what I plan to do for now. I will spend more time with her, do things that both she and I like. Start taking care detail things about our lives more carefully and quickly. I know things won't change overnight and I know I will need to work on bettering myself for a long time. I also accepted the fact that I am an idiot and I may have ruined my marriage.
> 
> I know I am in a very bad shape and I appreciate any suggestion.


How about you talk to her AND LISTEN. Easy, right? No. Listening to understand and "get" where the person is coming from is hard. We naturally have our own filters. DH and I learned a ton about talking and listening in marriage counseling. MAYBE your solution (do you realize that you are still doing what you have always done? Your world IS coming to an end as divorce has been mentioned and you are SOLVING) is right. MAYBE. Do you KNOW? Do you KNOW what your wife wants?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I was not meaning to be disheartening. Just tweak your thinking to match your awesome resolve.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Zombie thread...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Zombie thread...


How does this happen?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes the software recommends threads, I think.

Sometimes it loves Zombie threads!


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