# Sharing Finances During Separation?



## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

OK, so these days (two weeks into my separation in which H left me), I have an aneurysm every time I check the bank account and see a charge that isn't mine. The facts: H has no income (he is in school), I make all of the money. He left me to stay with his parents, and he may be having an affair, he's definitely hiding things and lying about things. Now, while we were living together as a married couple, it was fine if he bought things once in awhile or went out with friends. But now that he's left me, it feels like a blow every time I see he has used the account. I don't know what to do - he's not over-spending, but we don't have any ground rules about this, and we don't really have extra money. And today he bought a Groupon, and it appears to be two coupons to a restaurant... and I just know he's planning on taking the alleged OW with him because he said he was planning to meet up with her and let her know what was happening this week. So I think that's what this purchase was. He's also gone to a couple of restaurant/bars while he's been gone, and he has a drinking problem...

*deep breath* OK, I _know _I'm obsessing. I know that. But what do I do here? How should I handle this? Do I create separate accounts for myself and move the money I need for bills over to my new account so he doesn't have access to the bill money? 

As far as our finances go, we are completely enmeshed - shared checking, savings, and credit card. Advice, please.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Assuming you're separating permanently (since he's still seeing the OW), If I was you I'd create your own accounts and cut him off. He should know there's a cost for his actions. Your paychecks should go into these new accounts, his credit card should be canceled, and basically, he's on his own. IF you feel like you will owe him some form of spousal support by law, you could transfer those funds over to him, and let him do as he pleases with them. At some point, he will need his own accounts that you won't have access to. And if you want to be even a little kind to him, you could tell him in advance that you're doing all this on such and such a date. If you feel like punishing him, you could let him find out when the bank account no longer has funds in it, and his credit card gets declined.

Oh, and to be fair to both of you, you could split the overall value of your assets and liabilities. (Checking + savings - credit card) / 2 = each persons share. This might not be fair to you if you're still responsible for all the household bills and on going debts, though. 

So basically, my advice is to sever everything. That's what I did when I left my marriage, and I'm the sole income provider. In my case, I transfer sufficient funds into our joint accounts to cover our ongoing household responsibilities; she's still in the house with the kids. I still have access to those accounts, although she does not have access to mine. If she requested it though, I would have no issues transferring those funds to a different account I don't have access to. In fact, I wish she would grow up and start taking control of her own life. But that's a different thread. 

C
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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

wow! that's below the belt dear!

as for me, husband took our car even though i paid for it, but only because he was paying for my schooling for a year during our 1st year of marriage. 

actually i lost a bit of hope when he paid me half of the rent and power fee for the last month he was here, even though i never asked for it... it just seems so over already 

i'm sorry ninja, maybe i would wish that he is still dependent on me at least on some of the financial matters, but an OW is another matter, i guess... i looked our online bank statements, and he seems to be spending just his own groceries and just buying stuffs for his new flat.. makes me feel really hopeless when i found out he purchased his own beddings. like yeah, this is it!! it's over!!! CRAP!!


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

My husband and I still are living together. I will be moving out next month when my new apartment is ready.

Today is the day our finances separated. My automatic pay deposit went into my new solo account this morning. I will transfer some funds into our joint account to cover a few things, but the rest of it is mine alone. I like this feeling.

Having your own bank account is best. It's pretty outrageous that he is financially dependent on you but is seeing another woman. Hit him where it hurts.


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Sounds like everyone is out to slay the H without knowing anything about why he left? These things are rarely the result of only one spouse. Not justifying his affair but we no nothing of the details.

That said...I think from a legal standpoint it's just like if I moved out and left my wife at home. She hasn't worked in 12 years so I would have to give her temporary spousal support. No getting around that. Even if she were using it to pay for meals with another man. In your case, you could be the one that ends up paying him alimony unfortunately. Rare, but it happens.

I think I'd do some of what the others suggested. Create a new account and have say, 75% of your paycheck go there and he can have 25% to live on. 

Wishing you the best of luck.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks, everyone. I have some friends in Family Law, and I think I'll hit them up for advice, as well. But this is all good to hear, I'll keep thinking about what to do.

As far as why he left, I have a thread: I Guess You Would Call This Separation that goes into everything, but basically he isn't sure he wants to be married anymore, no longer wants kids, and confessed to an affair to one of my friend's husband which he now says was a lie, even though all of his behavior the last 6 months backs up that confession. He left a day after I found out about the confession, and hasn't tried to prove it isn't true, and hasn't respected my wishes about not seeing her anymore (the alleged OW is his best Female Friend, so to people who don't know he confessed to an affair with her, this seems like acceptable behavior). So he moved out and we're in MC because I don't know what else to do. He also has a drinking problem and has been lying to me about several things, so much that I'm not sure what's true at this point.

I've been supporting him (financially and emotionally) for two years - most of our marriage - so I feel really used and betrayed. Even without the affair, I feel that way.

I know everyone here says separation and that stuff takes both spouses and everything, and I know I have my faults and things I'm willing to work on, but he hasn't been communicating with me as to what's wrong for 6 months (and I have been asking and trying to give space and remain open to him), so I truly don't feel like this is my fault. Obviously there are things I can change and do to make things better between us (and I'm willing to do that), and any problems we have are half mine, but the lies and alleged affair and the leaving are all him.

Now, if he was paying for necessities - like he did recently when he needed things for his final school projects - that would be one thing. Going out on my dime, though, seems a little outrageous. I mean, he's not even trying to work things out between us. I realize I might just be taking this personally because of the hurt and anger and betrayal I have, which is why I didn't just want to do something and asked for advice.

So thanks for all of the advice so far. I think I'll keep mulling over what to do...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I would definitely separate your bank accounts and give him a percentage to live on. That way, you don't risk him drying up your bank account. Also, just because there is OW involved I would give him just enough to buy peanut butter and jelly to live on. I think 25% is too generous for a sleezebag cheater.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks, brighterlight. I spoke with my Family Law friends tonight, and they say since we haven't started proceedings that I can do whatever I want with the accounts, but that I probably should try not to "inflame" the situation, which I agree with. So I am going to try and broach the subject with H at our next counseling session... especially since I just checked the account and he spent $50 at a store he doesn't usually shop at in a suburb he's not staying in... but which is on the way to the OW's house... *sigh* What drama.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well you don't have to be a genius to figure where that $50 went! I wonder if we are all just in this huge massive nightmare where we wake up and everything was alright with our SO.
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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

HA! Wouldn't that be nice? It's like the world has gone crazy.


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

To sadand, I'm leaving our house. My husband will be staying in it for now - we're going to see if we can refinance in his name alone. If not we will attempt a short sale.

I will be moving into an apartment next month with our daughter, and feel really good about it. I want my own place, with very few reminders of my life with him. I don't have a lot of money, but I've got a little bit saved up for this transition. I will buy myself some new dishes, and plan to take very little from the house except for a couple of pieces of furniture. Time for a fresh start! I don't want to carry old memories with me.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

OK, I did it today. I didn't close the accounts, I just took half of the savings and opened new ones for myself and I'm changing my direct deposit as soon as I can (next pay period, unfortunately, but I'll just transfer the funds as soon as I can on my upcoming paycheck) so that it goes into my new individual account. My lawyer-friend advised me not to make ongoing transfers into the joint account, since if we head for D that would considered precedent for alimony if he chose to seek it (and I'm almost beyond putting it past him). But I left him some savings... although I reserve the right to take more of it if I want to - I'm still in the joint accounts, I just need to have my own from which to pay bills and not hawk-eye what he's buying. The final straw (after everyone here and in RL telling me it was a good idea) was that the last withdrawal he made included some cash back. WTF? I guess it's all the same, but that really pissed me off.

I plan to tell him about this tomorrow at MC, if he doesn't confront me about it first (which I don't think he will... but you neve know). He's not really a frequent account-checker like I am. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for the advice and support.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Its tough, I went through separating all the accounts the last couple weeks... it was scary for awhile because my wife goes crazy with money, I'm a little worried that when it becomes really tough for her its going to get nasty with her demanding more money then I have... she left me the house (the mortgage payments anyway) and I am also stuck paying for extra daycare so that she can actually work during the week) and I have NO idea how much she actually earns (self employed esthetician) all I know is we refinanced the house twice while building her business and she contributed only about $400/mo - her new place is $700/mo for rent so she's out about $300/mo plus the other expenses that I used to take care of (groceries, gas, etc) but atleast for her she got to take the newer, paid off car so its reliable. But now I am stuck looking for a responsible roomate willing to pay $700-$800/mo just to make ends meet... I guess if we divorce we will settle all the assets and I can sell the house and find something in my price range...


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Good for you!!!!! :yay:

Perfect scenario. It's where me and my stbx are headed with respect to the bank accounts. Not that she is a money spender. She contributes half to the joint account anyways so for us it's really a no brainer. I will set up my own account have my paycheck direct dep into it, she will set up her own account and do the same, we will keep our 30 year old joint account so we can continue to assist the kids (not for long though) and to finish jointly paying off a few bills and then we should be good to go. I think it'll be nice having my own account for once. We have shared incomes for over 30 years.


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## Ninja1980 (May 23, 2011)

Thanks, brighterlight.  That does sound pretty cut and dry for you as far as how to work it out. Enjoy having your own account!

I actually went ahead and e-mailed H to let him know - I thought about it and if it were me, I would want to know, so I chose to be a nicer person. He, of course, wrote back to see what accounts we even have and how he can access them. Because I was in charge of the finances and apparently he doesn't even have a log-in with the bank - I thought he did, but I guess not. Anyway, his non-reaction really "triggered" me, and I've had a rough night since.

How do people do this for months? I am 3 weeks (yesterday) from DDay and 3 weeks (tomorrow) from him moving out, and I have had enough of this. I want to shake him and go, "FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU WANT!!!"


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Wow, really! He leaves and then asks for what accounts you have! Shheeeezzzzz, have you talked to an attorney. I mean that is BS. He wanted out let his azz figure it out. Unless you are the main account holder and are responsible for them. Otherwise, I would just give him the list of the accounts he is responsible for and tell him here they are but I wouldnt go into any more detail than that. He wanted out, let him feel what being out is going to entail. You shouldn't be responsible for his bills and accounts. Ahhh geez, why does this kind of stuff get me all riled up. They ask to ruin your marriage then they want it easy peasy on their way out. F-ck that!
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## singleinjanuary (May 18, 2011)

I am with you brighterlight. My stbx wanted out so I gave him a list of the bills. He lost the first one so I made him another. He wanted me to hold his hand and introduce him to the task of paying bills. Please!! Whenever he would start up I would just say to myself that this is not my problem! I have watched him get in over his head and I worry that it will affect my child/spousal support at some point. Of course, he's military so I would definitely go to his command if that were the case...
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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

SIJ, Yip! Why is it they don't think about these things before they go off about wanting out. You are doing good for you and for him by telling yourself that his bills are not your problem. He needs to learn how to manage them sooner or later anyways. A little dose of reality is an eye opener. Of course, if he is military and if he has been deployed oversees, he has enough to worry about but that is why, many times, making decisions solely based on emotion can be the worst thing you can do. Many waywards find this out later rather than sooner. Wait until he has his job to do - plus have to take care of other responsibilies on top of that. This is the path he chose so nothing you should be blaming yourself for or feel guilty about.


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