# Tell the children or not?



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

*Tell the kids about dad's affair?*

We're back after several splits. I left for 5 months the last time, but his constant hounding of me and our dd and my depression brought me back.
We've had the 'honeymoon' period, but now old patterns are coming back. I am polite and we don't fight.
Dd said today that she sense a down atmosphere in the house and so do her friends. 
She has no idea about her dad's A. She'll be 14 this summer. I am not sure if kids have the right to know (without any details of course).
He has son who is 21 convinced that he had an EA only. 
Any thoughts??


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I posted this on another forum then realized maybe it should be here.
H and I have had several splits since his 3 year PA. I left this last year for 5 months but came back due to his hounding, guilt tripping and my depression.
We had a brief 'honeymoon' period. But now, though we are polite to each other I still realize I don't feel the way a wife should feel about her h.
Dd said today that the atmosphere in the house is not a happy one. She is 14 and knows nothing about her dad's A. 
Son is 21 and his father convinced him it was only a EA and he maintains that he believes his dad, so I don't bring it up with him.
Should dd be told anything? Without details of course.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

*Re: Tell the kids about dad's affair?*

I think you and your husband should talk this over. Is it really going to benefit her at all to be told her dad cheated?


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I would spare them the details. All they need to know is that mom and dad are no longer compatible so they chose to part ways, but both will always be there for them. There's no need to bring his mistakes towards you and towards the marriage into his relationship with the kids. Teenagers, especially girls, look up to their father as their hero. Do you really want to break their hearts? How would their knowing about the affair benefit in any way? Other than giving you a selfish satisfaction of lowering your DS in their eyes. 
Divorce peacefully, let go of anger and just be co-parents. The whole truth is not necessary to be told.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

They will figure it out eventually. If they asked for confirmation, dont cover for your H.

In any case, there are old enough to be told the truth.

Under no circumstances should you take any blame for his affair.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I never told my now adult child about his cheating. However, he told her that he had 3 affairs on his current wife. My adult child figured it out.

I never once talked about her biological father to her. I moved on and I never had anything to say about him. He always bad mouthed me in front of her. It was difficult since I do believe she believed him at times. I just kept quiet and moved on with life. 

I married a wonderful man after my divorce. I couldn't be any happier then I have been these last 14 years together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need to tell her.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

Your husband says it was only an EA to your son? But then you say PA, which is it, why is your husband lying to your son? 

I think you should tell your daughter because otherwise she'll keep wondering why you're feeling cold towards your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Snow cherry (Apr 24, 2013)

*Re: Tell the kids about dad's affair?*

If it was me, I wouldn't tell my child. If my child sensed problems I wouldn't deny that they were there, I just wouldn't give nitty gritty details. It wouldn't benefit my child to know about an affair. If I divorced over an affair, I would just tell my child that our relationship didn't work out..that we had different ideas/goals etc. I had a dead beat dad that my mother never bad mouthed and I appreciate that I grew up with a positive image of him as a child. I only label him a deadbeat now because I saw with my own adult eyes that he is not interested in knowing me or his grandkids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Because h maintains that if you just ejaculate on a woman's stomach it's not a PA. Sick as that is. That's some 'friendship' isn't it? That's how he ratiionalzes that he didn't commit 'adultery'. 
I'll only tell me dd if and when I move out I guess.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I think the kids should know everything (depending on their age). They need to know why mommy and daddy are having problems. Full exposure and transparency or it's still a life of deception and lies.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

As someone whose childhood was ruined by infidelity I can tell you that I think the you should get all the facts out on the table. Spare noting, especially with your son. Don't let them grow up thinking that a villein is a hero.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

*Re: Tell the kids about dad's affair?*

It really depends on the situation. In my situation, my husband's infidelity was only part of the problem. He was draining our funds to pay for his new lifestyle. We had two children who were 14 and one who was 18 at the time. The children were bitter with me over a lot of things. I had very little money when my husband left. He didn't either, but he stole huge amounts of money out of our business and maxed out many credit cards. When the children went to his house he was good ole Disney Dad. It caused a lot of problems because I couldn't spend money on them.

My therapist and I decided it best the children know what was going on. I left some of the evidence in plain sight, especially things relating to his spending sprees on various women. I also made comments. My children finally figured things out and weren't near as hard on me. Now my children are adults and really understand what a spot I was in at the time. They know I'm the stable, responsible parent who is always there for them.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I posted this on another forum then realized maybe it should be here.
> H and I have had several splits since his 3 year PA. I left this last year for 5 months but came back due to his hounding, guilt tripping and my depression.
> We had a brief 'honeymoon' period. But now, though we are polite to each other I still realize I don't feel the way a wife should feel about her h.
> Dd said today that the atmosphere in the house is not a happy one. She is 14 and knows nothing about her dad's A.
> ...


They will not appreciate it later when they know anyway and part of them will feel they were lied to.

To be frank the truth will hurt but they will adjust.

I think the sensitivity of children is underestimated in these things. 

Son of 21 ? I can't believe he doesn't know everything already


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

*Re: Tell the kids about dad's affair?*

827 I am glad you let the kids know what was going on in your case. You had already split and with him splashing money on the kids that he stole, well a person can only take so much! Time proved you did the right thing.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Son is in denial I guess. He had a bout of depression a year after D-day so I don't mention the issue to him anymore.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Kids, at least mine, are very perceptive. When they ask point blank what's wrong, do you really want to lie to them?


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

depends on the age. 

personally, i think your children are age appropriate to be told. i believe this is not just a marriage issue, but a family issue. they deserve to know what's going on with their parents.


furthermore, your husband is lying to your son. what sort of example is he setting for him? that minimizing is better than coming clean. 

he doesn't sound remorseful to me. he just doesn't want his image to be tarnished, while you build up resentment for him tell him one of your demands is to be totally honest with his family. 

and yes, i said DEMAND. you need to demand these things.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

I think there's a bigger problem here than you telling your daughter.. 

I don't think your husband is being fully transparent and remorseful towards you. He STILL cannot admit he's had a PA!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

I told my kids that mommy does not want to be married to dad anymore and slept with another man. All my kids were in their teens. The wife was present when I told them. So if she had anything to say it would be infront of everyone. No turning kids against either parent. I felt it better for me to tell them than they hear it from hurmors or friends. All with wife there she would have a say in it also.

All the kids took my side though and the boy had said he would never see or talk to his mom again if she left.

But we worked out with R and MC. I hope that the kids did learn that you can work out your problems and not just choose the worldy path or easy path.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

In my parents marriage my mom had only me to confide to. It was the same with my dad. To this day, at 30 years old i still resent that they did that, forcing me in the middle, letting me know the reality, sharing their mistakes.

My advice is do not, your children need protection even from your spouse and your mistakes.


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