# Recently separated, wife trying to rush dissolution.



## Hope4me (May 3, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for over 15 years. Approximately 6-7 years ago, we made some poor financial investments that caused significant stress on our marriage. At the time, I drank more than I should have to relieve some of this stress, and often became angry and yelled at my wife for things that were not her fault. Since then, the stress has been reduced, and over the past 1 year the other negative behaviors (drinking, yelling, etc.) have become much less frequent. At the beginning of 2011, I made a commitment to my wife that I was not going to do any of these things anymore. Unfortunately, when my wife and I have recently argued, she would bring up things from several years ago that I have already apologized for and regretted doing. In March, she said she wanted a separation because, even though I had improved from those times several years ago, she didn’t love me anymore because it was drained out by these past behaviors. She said at the time that maybe in 5-6 months she would consider being with me again after I have proven that I’ve changed. I was OK with that, since I was confident that if I demonstrated over time I was a better person, she may find some of the lost love she had for me. The problem now is that she is wanting a dissolution only after barely 2 months of being separated and hasn’t even given the separation a chance. I know that if we had an opportunity to be together that it would work, and I know that if you’re trying to reconcile with your wife that you are supposed to be very accommodating, so what do I do to convince her to at least hold off on trying to get a dissolution and avoid signing the documents? When I asked why so quickly, she said she doesn’t love me anymore. Is there anything that I can say to her that would convince her that there is a possibility she could love me again if we had a chance to be together? We have two kids (10,13) and really want a another chance to be a good husband and father to them. Thanks


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she files, there is nothing you can do. If you don't sign, the judge will do it for you.

My advice is that if she wants out, let her go. You won't be able to convince her to love you or make her stay with you. I know that sounds harsh, but when someone is running away from you, don't chase after them. It makes everything ten times worse.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

It is difficult to believe a person will change after so many years of trouble. The spontaneous change without her urging you is an excellent sign of your sincerity. 

If I undersood your post, in the argument you had before you separated, you objected to her bringing up the treatment that she endured seven years ago. You seemed to feel that since you said you were sorry that she should move along at a pace that you set. 

I think that was your mistake. You have not given her a chance to express her pain. Just think about it, she was treated badly for 7 years. She put up with a mess you created that affected her life and the lives of your children. 

Moreover your reaction to the distress you put your family through was compounded by you not taking responsibility by being the best husband and father you could be while the finances improved. 

Instead you inflicted more suffering. I am not saying this to get on your case. I am asking you to look at the enormaty of what you did to your family and ask your self if one apology and the expectation that she would move on is a reasonable demand to make.

At some point she has to forgive you and fall back in love but not until you atone. That means that you commiserate with her when she expresses pain. You let her express it and you tell her that you hear her and deeply regret it. Tell her that when ever she wants to express her anger and hurt you want her to come to you and tell you. Tell her that you want to comfort her and reassure her that you have really changed and want to work on getting her trust and love.

You have to walk with her in her pain. Your statement that she brought it up again indicates that your want to forget it and you want her to forget it after only a year of change, She had 7 yrs of hell that you want her forget in 1 year. You want her to say nothing about 7 yrs of pent up anger and hurt. Of course she does not love you, how can she develop love again when she still has 7 years of hurt bottled up for a man who does not want to hear it. 

Really it would probably take 2 years or more to get her to trust again and maybe to love you. She left because she knew that you would not let her express her anger and you wanted immediate forgiveness and for her to forget. 

Is that fair to her, after you essentially checked out of the relationship and disrupted your household for all those years. If your are not willing to invite her to express her pain whenever she needs then you should let her go. 

I say all of this to help you to see what happened from her point of view and if you can, you may have a chance at reconciliation.


----------

