# Where to Spend Christmas - his parents or my parents?



## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

With the holidays approaching I am having a dilemma on where to spend Christmas. First and foremost, I am unsure if my husband will get holidays or not. If not, I will be spending Christmas with him and heading to my parents’ place for New Years as I get two weeks off. We live about 1600 km apart so I’ll be home for 5 days doing this.

Now if my husband gets time off, I am unsure of how we should handle the holidays. When we first moved in together, we agreed that we would spend Christmas with one family and then New Years/Boxing Day with the other family. This worked for the first 2 years of our relationship and then we moved away. My husband works in retail so it is not always feasible for him to get time off. The first year we moved we spent Christmas in our new town, then the following year we went to his parents’, the year after we stayed and celebrated on our own, and then the following year we went back home and celebrated with his family again since mine was out of town. The last couple years we have stayed up and celebrated on our own due to my husband’s schedule. Most years I do go home for a week after Boxing Day to see my family.

So last night, my SIL phoned and she’s really pushing us to come home for Christmas because it’s her daughter’s first Christmas. I had mentioned to my husband that if we do go home for Christmas I would like to spend it with my parents and we could do Boxing Day with his family. Our hometown’s are approximately 3 hours apart. He’s been ambivalent on the subject because he assumes he’s not getting the time off.

Here’s the dilemma, I understand my SIL’s point of view and that she wants her brother home for Christmas because it’s been a couple years since he’s been home to celebrate. Although I actually haven’t celebrated a Christmas with my own family in 6 years. I do go home after Boxing Day but the Christmas celebrations are over and done with by the time I get there. I have asked my parents to postpone Christmas celebrations until I get there but they’re unwilling for some unknown reason.

So this year I want to do the traditional Christmas with my family....Christmas Eve shin-dig, gift opening in the morning, Christmas breakfast and then dinner in the afternoon. It’s not that I don’t like my in-laws and I don’t think our niece’s first Christmas is not special, I just want to be selfish and spend it with my own family since it’s been a while since I’ve done Christmas with my own family.

So if we do go home I feel these are my options:
1. Spend it with my family, miss out on niece’s first Christmas. My SIL can be aggressive so I can see her having a fit over this and causing me to feel bad.
2.	Spend Christmas apart. Spend Christmas in my hometown while husband goes to his.
3.	Spend it with his family with the promise that we will for sure spend Christmas with my family the next time we are in town.

I’m leaning toward option 2 even though I’ll have to explain to my family why H isn’t coming and I will risk offending the in-laws by not attending their Christmas.

I should add I do see my MIL and FIL on a consistent basis. They come to visit us twice a year and we have gone on vacation the last two years together in March. We are doing the same this March. Unfortunately, we only see my SIL once a year in the summer but we have told her she could visit anytime even though it is about a 18 hour drive from where she lives. She is also free to vacation with us if she chooses. We mentioned doing so this coming March but her daughter doesn’t have her vaccinations so she can’t come and SIL doesn’t want to spend a week away from her. I only see my parents twice a year – at Christmas if I go home and in the summer. They don’t travel because they have no vehicle and are low income.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Whatever option you choose, someone won't like it. Your niece's 1st Christmas is more exciting for her parents than her. You haven't spent Christmas with your family in six years - this trumps niece. Do not wonder why your family won't postpone their Christmas for you - it's inconceivable that you would even ask.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Blondilocks said:


> Whatever option you choose, someone won't like it. Your niece's 1st Christmas is more exciting for her parents than her. You haven't spent Christmas with your family in six years - this trumps niece. Do not wonder why your family won't postpone their Christmas for you - it's inconceivable that you would even ask.


:iagree:

Christmas with the in-laws and the niece is for them, not your niece. You are allowed to keep connections with your own family and six years is a long time to miss out on family celebrations. Just tell SIL you have made plans to be with your family and since she knows how important family is, you are sure she will understand.

Back in the day we alternated Christmas, but we were the ones who always traveled, and since we were the ones with small kids I never got that. Once the kids were older I put my foot down so they could have Christmas at home, then we'd travel.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Do not wonder why your family won't postpone their Christmas for you - it's inconceivable that you would even ask.


Thanks for the advice. You are right that feelings will be hurt regardless. 

I see your point on why it's inconceivable that I would ask my parents to postpone Christmas while I'm celebrating with the in-laws. I have just really missed Christmas with the family the last few years and feel really bad about it especially since I have spent it with my in-laws. I guess this was a way to appease my mom. She sometimes feels that I put my husband's family before my own when in reality I try not to. My in-laws just put a lot of pressure on us to do celebrations with them since my husband doesn't get as much time off as me. I am teacher so I often hear "well you can visit them in the summer or after Boxing Day on your two week break."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Stop allowing your in-laws to run your life. Think about how hurt your parents are and how selfish your MIL is. If your husband won't stand up for what is right, spend the holidays apart. Or, take a more aggressive stance with the MIL and tell her that you can spend time with her during your summer break.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> :
> Back in the day we alternated Christmas, but we were the ones who always traveled, and since we were the ones with small kids I never got that. Once the kids were older I put my foot down so they could have Christmas at home, then we'd travel.


I put my foot down last year. My husband was having a lot of medical problems which was causing us to do a lot of travelling so when the holidays came up, I said we needed a rest and weren't going anywhere for Christmas. In the end, his parents understood and realize that it shouldn't just be us doing the traveling every year and came up for ten days around new years.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I haven't had Christmas with my family for a dozen years or so. Yes, I think it's incredibly unfair and it makes me very sad. Our problem mostly is that it's expensive to fly a family of 5 3,000 miles.....much cheaper to drive 6 hours to her family. My kids have never had the experience of waking up in their own beds and coming down to presents under the tree. 

For us, we "sort of" solved it by having my parents fly out here every 2 or 3 years. All of the kids have moved far away from my hometown so this doesn't really create a conflict.

Anyway, just chiming in to say I totally understand your pain on this. Good luck.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Stop allowing your in-laws to run your life. Think about how hurt your parents are and how selfish your MIL is. If your husband won't stand up for what is right, spend the holidays apart. Or, take a more aggressive stance with the MIL and tell her that you can spend time with her during your summer break.


Thanks, I know my parents have been hurt by this. My dad even told me one Christmas he cried because none of my siblings got home either. My MIL is not the issue, it is the SIL. I think she is having difficult time realizing that as we grow older our families grow and therefore we can't always make the immediate family a priority. I think she also feels her family is more important than everyone else's, even her own in-laws. The upside for her is she doesn't have to deal with where to go for Christmas or birthdays since her in-laws are in the same town.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO and I often ask our families to change the day they celebrate so we can be there. No one is put out by it since the important thing for them and us is to be with family. That way, we can squeeze two Christmas celebrations in despite the families being 3 hours apart. 

So, to me, it's not inconceivable to ask, but it seems that it is for your family. 

I'd spend Christmas with your family since you've missed it for 6 years.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When a family has members coming in from all over, it is arrogant and insensitive to ask all members to postpone a holiday just because you want to spend the holiday with other people. Christmas is Christmas - not new years. If you can make it - fine, if not, enjoy your day is the attitude a lot of families endorse.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> When a family has members coming in from all over, it is arrogant and insensitive to ask all members to postpone a holiday just because you want to spend the holiday with other people. Christmas is Christmas - not new years. If you can make it - fine, if not, enjoy your day is the attitude a lot of families endorse.


Ah, this makes sense. 

I have only asked my parents to postpone Christmas one year and we had no out of town guests. We usually only celebrate as an immediate family and my sister did her own thing Christmas morning and my parents postponed their celebrations until the afternoon when she got to their place. That's why I thought what's one more day until I get home.

If we had out of town guests I would never ask.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

We made it alternating years with our families. We do xmas with my family, then all of my siblings and I do xmas with our inlaws the next. It's just how it is. No one messes with the program and everyone is happy. Well, that's how it always went until something unexpected happened, but that's unrelated.

My parents would do stuff with their friends or extended family on the in-law years.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Goodness go to your family, you haven't been with them for 6 years.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

Yes, I'd say option number 2 is the best if you can't manage option 1. The SIL needs to be talked to, however. Seems rather self-centered to me.... She has an immediate family, does she not?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

muffin1983 said:


> So this year I want to do the traditional Christmas with my family....Christmas Eve shin-dig, gift opening in the morning, Christmas breakfast and then dinner in the afternoon. It’s not that I don’t like my in-laws and I don’t think our niece’s first Christmas is not special, I just want to be selfish and spend it with my own family since it’s been a while since I’ve done Christmas with my own family.


I fail to see the problem.

Your husband says "We have already made other plans for Christmas."

No apologies.
No remorse.

SIL might be angry - Oh well. In marriages there are compromises - even at the level of where one goes for the holidays.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Why not stay home? You say your family and I think you are referring to your mom and dad. Your husband and kids (if you have any) are your family and priority now. You make your own traditions and events now. You invite the in laws and your parents out you. If they don't come bummer you do your own thing. This becomes increasingly important once you have kids my opninion. If that isn't the case and you do want to see someone then guess the only fair thing to do is go the opposite of wherever you went last no matter how many years ago it was.

This will be my first Christmas back where I grew up in 11 years. Not looking forward to it. Sometimes the best Christmas present is staying home lol


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

muffin1983 said:


> My MIL is not the issue, it is the SIL. I think she is having difficult time realizing that as we grow older our families grow and therefore we can't always make the immediate family a priority.


But that's the thing...your parents are NOT your immediate family anymore. Your husband is.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I feel your pain OP.

I don't know how long you have been married. For me this well be 2.5 years, our third christmas since being married.

It's strange, after getting married the holidays have gone from my favorite time of the year to my most hated time of the year. Mostly, that's because someone is always mad about what we do and where we do it.

The wife and I both moved away from our hometowns. I live about 6 hours away while she lives about an hour away. Her parents also own a condo in the town we live in so we see them monthly if not more.

It's also hard for both of us to get time off of work, and neither of our families understand that. My wife's family basically all were either Teachers, worked at factories that closed over the holidays, or owned their own business.

Up until 2 years ago I could easily get time off around the holidays. However, I changed departments into a production support role and in my new role, a certain number of team members have to be at work at all times (except Thanksgiving day and Christmas Day).

Add that, to the fact that my wife and I can't get the same time off around the holidays and it all makes traveling a real nightmare. For the week of Christmas I have M-W off and work Christmas Eve. The Wife works M-W and has Christmas eve off.

My family gets pretty mad because we don't spend more holidays with them and usually spend them with the inlaws. 

Really it's just a matter of work schedules and distance. Her parents live close enough to visit them and come back in the same day and still go to work the next day, which is exactly what we did on Thanksgiving. 

My family, lives 6 hours away. It's a fairly long drive, even for a weekend. I do visit them for 4-5 times a year. Usually 2-4 of those my wife comes with me. It's just hard to do around the holidays.

I used to love the holidays, honestly now I hate them.


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## captainstormy (Jun 15, 2012)

I was thinking the same thing.

When you get married, your spouse becomes your immediate family. 

My wife and I decided that we are just staying home at our place for Christmas. Which is going to make both sides of the family mad. It's best for us though. We invited both sides of our family. Her parents may travel but my family probably won't. 

It's an annoying thing about growing up, your parents never see you as anything but their child. I'm 31 years old, married, a college graduate, a hard working tax paying citizen. But to her, I'll always be her little boy and I should be the one to travel to her for Christmas.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

captainstormy said:


> My wife and I decided that we are just staying home at our place for Christmas. Which is going to make both sides of the family mad. It's best for us though.


Yep same here. Hubby and I are staying home for Christmas, just the two of us and the little person. It's going to be so relaxing, peaceful and drama free. We're really looking forward to it 

My mum isn't upset, she goes with the flow. Inlaws are a different story but that's their problem, not ours.


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