# If you knew then what you know now....



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Sorry - I don't know how to create a poll.....so I'll do it the 'easy' way!

Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?
Please start with 'yes' or 'no' then elaborate if you want to.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Yes.

Even though it ended up being a sexless/passionless marriage (together 20 yrs) I don't have regrets. I have 3 of the worlds most amazing, intelligent, beautiful children and lots of memories of good times.

I know so much more now about life, love, myself and that has given me what I needed to move into an incredible relationship. 

Life is too short to waste on regrets.


----------



## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

yes

the sex thru the marriage, although up and down, is still going. We complement each other with certain personality traits. She puts up with my eccentricities, gives me some space to do my thing.

Yeah, i would gladly do it over again.

If i did it over again, i would work harder on the low points in the marriage, really try to figure out what was going on, and how to fix it. You can spot the low points easily, but it is harder to figure out why they are happening, or not get pissed off about it.


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Holland...I hear you re children and agree 101%. However had you married, say, someone who you were more sexually compatible with you would still have had the most amazing children....


----------



## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

No.
I'm with askari. I'd have found someone more sexually compatible. The problem is/was I didn't know 33 years ago what I didn't know.


----------



## White.Rabbit (Feb 24, 2014)

My ex: DEFINITELY NOT

My current partner: OH YES


It took a very difficult journey for me to become self aware enough to work out who is and isn't good for me.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Yes, because then I could have dealt with the problems, helping my wife to overcome them... does it make sense?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Yes.

Absolutely, unequivocally, yes.


----------



## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Yes. A billion times over. I'd marry my wife again tomorrow, another wedding and all, if she asked me to.

Marriage just keeps getting better and better.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Yes, but there would be changes on my part. I would quit hoping she would read my mind, and just tell her what I wanted.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

No

We are basically just friends without benefits


----------



## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

No. 

I used to think our relationship was good and then just hit a rocky patch. But the rocky patch has lasted for years now. During this time, my perspective has also changed and I actually no longer believe the good times were so good. I can see so clearly now the signs of how bad our relationship would become from the earliest days of our marriage. I'm not trying to put this all on my wife because I had a major role in it obviously. But there is no way I can look at our history from a practical perspective and say it has been worth it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

My ex wife - yes and no. I learned a LOT from that marriage, and there were some good, even great moments, despite the complete and utter apocalyptic ending to it. We probably shouldn't have got married, in retrospect. It should have, imo, ended after 6 or 7 years with both of us having happy memories and an important place in our respective hearts. Instead, it's the total opposite - I mean nothing to her afaik, and for me, all the good memories are overshadowed by the crap.

My current wife - yes, absolutely. No marriage is perfect, but we've both learned so much from each other, and are still learning. The sex is fantastic (especially compared to how it used to be for me), although not as often as it could/should be.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh I'd like to say no, since we divorced, but honestly, the experience has been a major part of my life where I learned a lot, loved a lot and experienced pain. It has made me me (not to sound like a cliche).


----------



## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It's next to impossible to say. We are who we are today due on the challenges we faced in our lives. Unless you really don't like yourself now it would be hard to say you would have rather done things differently.

When I first saw the topic the little devil on my shoulder thought...if I had to do it over again knowing what I know now...that my now ex was going to cheat on me and ask me to leave...I would've hooked up with those hotties that made themselves available at various points during my married life. :FIREdevil:

Of course the little angel on the other shoulder says yeah but then you would have thought less of yourself. Arrghhh! Sometimes I think life would be more fun without morals.


----------



## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Without a doubt - YES!!


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

NO!!!!!!

I would do just about anything to go back and leave her in our home state. Was the worse decision I have EVER made


----------



## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

Yes,

I avoid worrying about redoing the past. If had I turned left instead of right one day it might have been into the path of a bus. I'm here, alive, healthy, and somewhat still sane.


----------



## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Married 30 years, divorced after her affair 3 years........ I'll let you know.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

No way in hell.


----------



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

For me yes:

If it is about sex alone, even after 20 years there are no issues or letting up on the pedal. 

Other issues in life, I would say yes again, not sure my wife would say yes another time. I came into the marriage as damaged goods, I am about where I need to be right now in my life. It just sucks that our upbringing has to affect us to our ripened ages of life. 

We are better as a couple and parents now than even a decade ago.


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Yes. 

I think if I had the knowledge and insight back then that I have now, a lot of the problems we've gone through could have been much better mitigated or avoided. I could have been a better person from the start, and if nothing else changed that would have made the marriage a better place to be.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yes.

I went against conventional wisdom and probably got married too soon; my present wife after only 9 months. I wanted to wait, but she pushed me hard for marriage. Best, luckiest thing I ever did. Now we've been married for 1.1/2 years.

Getting married too soon like that forebode's problems.

But in life sometimes you do hit the lottery and I think I did after going through a series of stormy relationships; I found the 'pearl of great price'.


----------



## MotoDude (Sep 15, 2010)

I say HELLLLLL NOOOOOOOOOOO!

what a freakin waste of 21 years of my life.

My current, YES a million times!


----------



## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

askari said:


> Sorry - I don't know how to create a poll.....so I'll do it the 'easy' way!
> 
> Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?
> Please start with 'yes' or 'no' then elaborate if you want to.


No way.


----------



## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

YES -- considering that we were very young (19 & 21) when married and only after first meeting six months prior AND from a generation where sex was a three letter swear word -- I would certainly marry her again ---- & again! I am certainly no Saint but she is an Angel and that makes our union soooo great!:yay: While it has not been a "Walk in the Park" but I wish everyone could have a marriage as great as ours!


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

My SO and I met when I was 18, didn't start dating until I was 25, and we've been off and on for the last 20 years (we each have our neuroses!). I knew back then that he was the one for me, and it's still true, only better these days than ever.

I'd probably do some things differently, being soooo much smarter now, lol, but I wouldn't change some of the hard parts because working through those is what has made us as solid and easy and happy as we are now.

ETA: If this thread is only asking about sex, then also YES, I would do it all again. The sexual chemistry, the emotional intimacy that developed from the sexual chemistry, and the wonderful lover that he is kept us coming back to each other when our neuroses would keep us apart.


----------



## hartvalve (Mar 15, 2014)

Yes. 

It was predestined.


----------



## tryagain13 (Sep 15, 2014)

Drerio makes a good point....this thread is under the "sex in marriage" forum. Was your intent for people to answer specifically about sex? If you know NOW how your sex life was going to be or what sexual issues you two would have, would you have married the person? Or are you talking marriage in general?


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

No, and it would kill her to hear that. But in reality, I'd rather argue about money or shoes than about sex.


----------



## Convection (Apr 20, 2013)

Yes, though I would do an assload of things differently than I did. That includes our sex life and pretty much everything else. Not that things have been bad but I think I could have done better.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I agree with Fozzy, If we knew then what we know now, it could have been so much easier, but that's not the way things work. You have to live it, to learn it, even if you fail. Like Dr. David Schnarch said, "No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage."

Whether it was sex, or any of the other parts of our lives, it's the same for us. We jumped into marriage too quickly, too young, and too naive. That led us to many missteps along the way. I don't know which quality of our personalities got us through 40 years. Today I think it was the just our sheer determination to succeed. For me, I'm ready to grow up together, all over again. 

So, if the question is just about sex, then sex would have been better. But then how could we laugh at how clueless we really were, and the fun that we had learning. The Mystery Dance


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

I think the implication in the question is "if you knew then what you know now about your partner". I think a better way to view the question is, "If I knew then what I know now about myself". You have much more control over that, which is where you can effect the most positive changes.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Nope.

Let's just say I would have married someone more compatible and mature emotionally and mentally, and also someone that doesn't view sex as a chore to be endured once every three years.


----------



## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

No. If I had thought for a minute that I would be giving up my sex life, now way would I have married him. I already had grown up children that I raised myself so I didn't marry in order to have a family. I married in my fifties for love, but it turned platonic once we were married. Not what I was expecting and definitely not what I agreed to. I don't even see my marriage as being a real marriage any more. We could have been best friends agreeing to share a house because that's what it's like.


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

No.

We dated for 1 year, lived together for 2 more before getting married, but I did not get to meet her parents till years later...

Marriage from year 1-25 was good but after 25 years she went BPD on me. Adult onset BPD is not common but happens... Had I met her parents I would know she had a good chance of going mental on me... With all the emotional implications of BPD on marriage and intimacy.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

No.

But we have to ignore some realities along with the hypotheticals. The reality is my kids wouldn't have been born, and I wouldn't choose that, but the hypothetical is only about our spouse not our kids. Also, I presume the question is more about knowing about our spouse rather than knowing about ourselves. If I knew all that I know now including about myself, things would have been much different. We would have either split in the first year or we would have prevented all the problems.

If I'd known the fuller truth about my wife back then (there is I think much I still don't know), I would not have married her.


----------



## SpinDaddy (Nov 12, 2012)

Absolutely. Like the old Peace Corps slogan "Toughest job you'll ever love."


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Fozzy said:


> I think the implication in the question is "if you knew then what you know now about your partner". I think a better way to view the question is, "If I knew then what I know now about myself". You have much more control over that, which is where you can effect the most positive changes.


Yes, absolutely. I adore him.

And like Fozzy said, if I knew then what I know about myself now I would have done many things differently. Of course, I wouldn't know these things if I hadn't done them the other way to begin with! Such is life.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

askari said:


> Holland...I hear you re children and agree 101%. However had you married, say, someone who you were more sexually compatible with you would still have had the most amazing children....


Yes that is true (and they would have been taller lol) but my answer is still the same. I just don't want to live a life with regrets, what happened, happened. I played my part and have grown from the experience.

I have a non mainstream view of marriage/divorce in that I don't believe it has to be forever and that one day divorce won't be viewed the way it is today.


----------



## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

We got married after a few weeks and started out practically sexless. That changed because we changed. I would marry her again in a heart beat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Interesting how the vast majority of responses on page 1 & 2 were basically 'Yes' then on page 3 a load of No's!

I understand people saying that at they have grown, made mistakes but learnt from them and people saying had they not 'made' the mistake they wouldn't have the wonderful children they have now.
Yes but...what you don't know about you don't miss!

I made a mistake....I thought I had met the right person...that we were compatible in every way - shared the same sense of humour, out look on life, sexual desire and frequency etc. Sadly as time went on I realised that I had made a mistake but by then we had two wonderful children.

Had I left my GF (now wife) umpteen years ago I would have gone on to meet someone else (probably!) with whom I did have alot more in common and would have also had wonderful children with her...and been alot happier.

Yes I have learned from the experience...I will be far more careful about choosing my next wife, be it in this life or the next!
(We were 28 when we married...so not youngsters!)


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

No mistakes per se, just unanticipated things when you marry someone from a completely different culture and socioeconomic situation. 

It works well in Disney movies but not necessarily in real life.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I knew what I know, I just didn't know I knew it. So the question is "If you were smarter and more honest with yourself about things would you....."

Well maybe maybe not. Maybe things would have ended sooner and maybe things would have been fixed. Hard to tell.


----------



## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I’m a little torn on this one.

If I hadn’t married her, I never would have met my two girls, who are the best thing since fire!

On the other hand, knowing that she had the capacity to simply abandon a commitment because of a lack of vision…well I would have chosen differently.
All in all, I am much happier now than in the last few years of the marriage. But it was the breakdown of the marriage that spurred my growth.

If I knew then what I know now…I would have looked for a better partner.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

> Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?


As for my ex, absolutely not! There was far too little about that relationship that wouldn't have been improved by either being single or being with someone else. I may have learned some things, but they were mostly negative lessons, not positive ones.

This time, I most certainly would have married her. Even with all the external issues and health problems we've dealt with, it has been even better than I imagined a great marriage could be.


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

askari said:


> Sorry - I don't know how to create a poll.....so I'll do it the 'easy' way!
> 
> Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?
> Please start with 'yes' or 'no' then elaborate if you want to.


nope. And actually if I knew then what I know now, I probably would have still dated her for a bit, but not for good reasons - I would likely deliberately mistreat her just to see what it feels like, then dump her in a mean fashion. It's probably good that I can't go back in time and redo it knowing what I know now.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Things that I wish I would have done:

1. Inquired as to why her ex wanted to leave her - maybe even talked to him (met him once). May have learned something
2. Realized that a woman that has the emotional maturity and sense of humor of a 12 year old isn't for me
3. Realized what a PITA drama queen her sister is (this partly isn't fair, as the sister was married at that time. Now she's divorced and her drama tendencies have really come out). Doesn't help that DW is afraid of her for some reason

And a host of other things. Needless to say, I love my kids totally and without reservation, but I can't say that about the wife. When you like it better that your spouse isn't around, that's not a good thing.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes I would have,100% sure on that.

HOWEVER, if I had the knowledge I have today, when we first met (teen years) i would certainly not ignore red flags like I did......thus would not have a great marriage that I have and would've passed on a great woman.

Funny how that works ehh? I ignored the red flags COMPLETELY (so did she) and we ended up with a great marriage.

:scratchhead:


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

No way. I would have cut her out of my life.

Hindsight is always 20/20.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

no


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Here's a view so far unmentioned:

Probably no.

And it would have been a terrible mistake.


----------



## InaudibleMelodies (Sep 29, 2014)

Ohhh yes but I would have been honest with him about my past instead of letting it haunt our marriage for twenty years!!


----------



## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

no .


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

askari said:


> Sorry - I don't know how to create a poll.....so I'll do it the 'easy' way!
> 
> Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?
> Please start with 'yes' or 'no' then elaborate if you want to.


No because the marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Mr B said:


> No because the marriage has been sexless for almost 20 years.


But you do know what you know now and you choose to stay. Sorry I have been there (not to the same extent, 20 years) and it is on you now. You have the information now but you stay, sort of says that even if you did know it back then you would still have married your spouse.

The power in knowing what you do now is that it calls you to action, it can give you the strength to take charge of your life. To have this knowledge and stay stagnant is a waste of that power you should have over your own life.


----------



## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

yes
only because if I had not married her, I would not have adopted my son or had my daughter...that is the ONLY reason I say yes


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

missthelove2013 said:


> yes
> only because if I had not married her, I would not have adopted my son or had my daughter...that is the ONLY reason I say yes


Even allowing for my wonderful son, I said no. Why? Because I'd have married someone else and had children I love every bit as much. Knowing what I now know, I'd probably make a better choice of spouse, so it would have meant a happier family overall.


----------



## NJD1983 (Sep 24, 2014)

Absolutely not, without a question. In fact I dont know that I would get married period. If I did, I would have waited until I was older and assumably a little wiser.


----------



## daysgoneby (Aug 31, 2013)

No


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Holland said:


> But you do know what you know now and you choose to stay. Sorry I have been there (not to the same extent, 20 years) and it is on you now. You have the information now but you stay, sort of says that even if you did know it back then you would still have married your spouse.
> 
> The power in knowing what you do now is that it calls you to action, it can give you the strength to take charge of your life. To have this knowledge and stay stagnant is a waste of that power you should have over your own life.


No, no at my age changing my situation would mean I would be sexless and leaving a family to be sexless and live alone. No thanks. Too late late to change things now. The best I can expect is to find someone who will agree to have sex with me. On a regular basis would be great, but even once would be nice. But I'm not holding my breath because I spent years looking for this when I was younger without any luck and there is no reason to believe that will change now that I'm even older.


----------



## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

What age are you Mr B?


----------



## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

There seem to be alot more people saying 'No' now than there were on the first few pages.

Personally, I think the time to leave a marriage is within the first couple of years or once the children have left home.
Children mean so much to their parents, neither would want to live without them....neither would want them to have to chose who they live with etc so many of us just put up with empty, sexless marriages until such time that the trauma of separating/divorcing is minimised.

However, to those who have divorced before the children left home and it has worked out, well done, lucky you.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

No - sort of - These questions are mostly about your current happiness and ourselves. If you are happy now with who you are then it is very difficult to imagine another path through life since it is part of your personal mythology about who you are now.


I find these questions are impossible to answer particularly if you have children. Of course I can't imagine life without my child and he was the product of the marriage. 

I say no if the question is simply to track your feelings about the institution of marriage itself. It is also an answer that is more about myself then my wife.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr B said:


> No, no at my age changing my situation would mean I would be sexless and leaving a family to be sexless and live alone. No thanks. Too late late to change things now. The best I can expect is to find someone who will agree to have sex with me. On a regular basis would be great, but even once would be nice. But I'm not holding my breath because I spent years looking for this when I was younger without any luck and there is no reason to believe that will change now that I'm even older.


Mr B. If you want to do this you need to put yourself into positions that allow it to happen. It will help if you hang with some male friends who are already having success with the ladies.

Life is too short to be miserable, and you personally are missing a part of yourself that sex will return.


----------



## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

No.

Completely irrespective of my wife as a person, I wasn't ready in the least, but I had no clue at the time. To the contrary, I was pretty assured of myself, and thought I knew exactly what I was doing. Who's to say what in the world my life may have held for me if I waited....but I should have. Well, "waited" implies just some time until I did. I really had no business entertaining the idea at all. Ultimately, if I then felt ready, or at least at some sort of more of a "steady state" as a person, as I do now, I probably wouldn't have chosen my wife, and I hate saying that out loud. We have a lot of very core differences, I feel, that can often make things difficult. I am, and we are, working very hard at it, and there are a lot of good things about our relationship, our life, our family....but it's hard, very hard, at times.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

treyvion said:


> Mr B. If you want to do this you need to put yourself into positions that allow it to happen. It will help if you hang with some male friends who are already having success with the ladies.
> 
> Life is too short to be miserable, and you personally are missing a part of yourself that sex will return.


Well thanks but most of my friends are long married- 20 or 30 years like me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

askari said:


> Sorry - I don't know how to create a poll.....so I'll do it the 'easy' way!
> 
> Would you have married your spouse if you knew then what you know now?
> Please start with 'yes' or 'no' then elaborate if you want to.


If there is one thing I got in my life RIGHT...it was who I married.. I broke up with him a short time (very short) while dating, just because I was never with anyone else .. I have often felt , had I not went back... I could be in many of the situations I read on this forum...and I probably wouldn't have handled it so well.. who knows where I would be today. 

I feel I would have forever REGRET had I let him go.....even trying to find him again -(if we moved on with someone else-missing my 1st love) ...it would have been the biggest mistake of my existence...

I may have some regrets to how Myself or HE handled some things dealing with infertility (on my end) and getting his sexual needs met more frequently -due to that (on his end).. but never that it's always been him.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr B said:


> Well thanks but most of my friends are long married- 20 or 30 years like me.


I don't think yours counts as a marriage due to the sexless part.


----------



## HisPlaceofInterest (Feb 27, 2014)

I know so much more now about my wife than ever before, it is a good thing for us. So growing with her through the years I say a resounding YES I would marry her all over again. That is because I grew with her. Now if she had told me we’d be doing all the things we do before we married I’d probably skipped town clucking all the way. I would have been the biggest chicken you have ever seen. Even now it is hard to keep up with her sometimes. But I still say YES! I am the better man for her – Clearly!


----------



## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

No, Sexless marriage of almost 20 years has destroyed who I was. I have one child. I Love him dearly. However, I feel that I had a more in tune partner I would have had more children. 

She always tried to make me feel small. (after marriage) Actually discouraged my dreams, talked me out of job opportunities. Sexless was bad enough. Unsupportive and downright mean drove me to the brink of suicide.


----------

