# How Much Time (if any) Should Be Spent on Home Improvement?



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I work a pretty standard job from 9-5 Monday through Friday with a 40 minute commute each direction. If my wife had her preference, I would spend Friday night and 9-9 Saturday and Sunday working on home improvement projects. While she sits around reading the paper, talking on the phone and hanging out.

I am a Christian man but when I read the Bible and review our wedding vows, I not really seeing much specifically about home improvement being my responsibility. Yes, I fix toilets and sinks, install switches and minor fixtures. In the past I painted nine rooms but there is always a lot more to do, believe me.

My problem is that I'm not much in the mood to do this stuff and that is causing a conflict. W is saying that if I loved her I would blah blah blah, but I'm really not on board with it.

So the question here is how much do I need to do to avoid looking like a lazy ineffectual lout but not get myself tied up to the point where I get resentful?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

If you love her, you would do home improvement? Is turn about fair play? If you love me, you will s*** my **** twice a day?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Oh wow! I'm not even going to get in to the tit-for-tat stuff about "if you love me, you would do this".

This is what I would do. You make a list of all of the projects that need to be done. Divide the list in to "must be done" and "nice to have". Prioritize each of the things on the list and estimate the time/cost to do them. Decide at this point if there are just some things that you can't do because you won't have time or the inclination to do them, and those have to be bid out by a contractor. Make a schedule for yourself, and give yourself time off. You shouldn't have to do stuff like this every living minute unless you really live for home improvement. Present this to your wife, and make note to her that some of the things may be able to get done sooner if you work together and she contributes more than just "design" consultations.

I will admit that my H is really handy. However, he doesn't always like to do the projects that I come up with. He has a hard job and he likes to spend his time off not having to do all of "my" projects. Therefore, we work together. We just put new molding and trimwork up in the whole house (okay - it took 3 years). We worked one room at a time. We did the planning and shopping together, he did all of the installation (I guess he doesn't trust me with his miter saw - smart man!), and I did the finishing. (I notice if I got behind on my end of finishing, he didn't put up any more trimwork until I caught up. )

I would not let your wife run all over you. Doing a certain number of things around the house, especially if they involve power tools and muscles is pretty manly.  Letting your wife push you around isn't.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Unfortunately, there is no doing anything together. That means that every brush that gets cleaned, every drop cloth that get shaken out and folded, every ladder that get moved, every baseboard that gets edged, every part of setup and cleanup is done exclusively by me. And working on the weekends with my family in the house requires a lot of setup/cleanup every day. I'm already manly enough. I just want to be sure I'm not being a bum


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I just want to be sure I'm not being a bum


I think your wife is the bum.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

I bought a 30 year old fixer upper that my wife really wanted when we moved to a new city. Over time, my wife and I learned to balance the expectations to give me occasional weekends off. Like Enchantment, we try to split the tasks, although her capabilies limit her. On a tile floor, I lay the tile, and she grouts. In redoing a wall, I do the sheetrock work, while she applies all the exotic tecniques that make my head spin.

This split didn't work for the hardwood flooring, the plumbing, windows and doors, kitchen cabinets, or the electrical, so thats where the balance came in. In other words, her understanding of my need for R&R. Since I only sleep about 5 hours a night, at first she thought I could just keep going, but I need downtime. My job is stressful.

Like others suggested, I think you should write down and prioritize all chores, including home improvement. Tell her that one way or another, the entire list, considering work, should be balanced.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

that seems unacceptable to me. You are not her employee. You should be doing this stuff together and enjoying each other's company while you work. For some of the time. And then you should have some time to relax and recharge from working all week.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I think your wife is the bum.


Yeah, she's out of her mind but she's still my wife.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Unfortunately, there is no doing anything together.


Why not? Perhaps it is time for Manning Up, finding your N.U.T.S and generally not being such a Nice Guy or we are gonna see you in here soon with

- no sex
- wife walks all over me
- why isn't she attracted to me anymore...


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Halien said:


> Like others suggested, I think you should write down and prioritize all chores, including home improvement. Tell her that one way or another, the entire list, considering work, should be balanced.


This is interesting. Should I include all household chores on the list with the home improvement tasks? One big problem I have is that I would rather be doing cleaning, clearing or organizational tasks rather than home improvement because I think it is more important. This causes conflict when w insists that she can do this but it never gets done.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Yeah, she's out of her mind but she's still my wife.


I get that but I was trying to stop you from beating yourself up. That whole if you loved me you'd whatever game is dangerous. When do you get to just hang out and read the paper? When did her time become more valuable than yours?


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> Why not?
> - no sex
> - wife walks all over me
> - why isn't she attracted to me anymore...


We just don't work together. I don't think she was ever attracted to me and I don't care, I get all the sex I want and I honestly wouldn't notice if she was walking over me or not (probably is)


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

getting all the sex you want changes the whole equation!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Funny but when I have a lot of things to do around the house and several weekends go by doing them, suddenly the wife complains that I don't spend any time with her. Sometimes you can't win!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I get that but I was trying to stop you from beating yourself up. That whole if you loved me you'd whatever game is dangerous. When do you get to just hang out and read the paper? When did her time become more valuable than yours?


BINGO! BINGO! BINGO! BINGO!

The old "I'm more important than you" game.

We loved our mothers. We'd do anything for them.

We simply transfer our heart (and it's a young one) to our wives and put them on that same pedestal.

Take them down - before it's too late.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mom6547 said:


> If you love her, you would do home improvement? Is turn about fair play? If you love me, you will s*** my **** twice a day?


Only twice?


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## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> I am a Christian man but when I read the Bible and review our wedding vows, I not really seeing much specifically about home improvement being my responsibility. Yes, I fix toilets and sinks, install switches and minor fixtures. In the past I painted nine rooms but there is always a lot more to do, believe me.
> My problem is that I'm not much in the mood to do this stuff and that is causing a conflict. W is saying that if I loved her I would blah blah blah, but I'm really not on board with it.


Bible not withstanding, you do:
a) what you have to;
b) what you can;
c) when you have to. I'm no Bible scholar, but if you need to frame it in that context, call it being a brother's keeper or something. 

I grew up in a builder's household, so maybe I have head start, but there's a satisfaction in just getting a job done. Do it, enjoy the completion, and remember the good lord was a carpenter. If it was good enough for him...


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is interesting. Should I include all household chores on the list with the home improvement tasks? One big problem I have is that I would rather be doing cleaning, clearing or organizational tasks rather than home improvement because I think it is more important. This causes conflict when w insists that she can do this but it never gets done.


If you have the means to do so, then hire out the bigger home improvement tasks and keep only the smaller, quicker, easier ones for yourself.

Is there something else going on with your wife? I mean why isn't she following up on the things that she promises?  Is it really the home improvement stuff that truly bugs you, or the way that your wife acts (or sounds like doesn't act)?

If I were you, and I had to come back around doing the cleaning and such that she didn't complete, I would make sure that I didn't prioritize her other 'honey-do' nice to have projects anywhere near the top of my list.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The trainer doesn't particularly benefit from a dog leaping through a flaming hoop. The payoff is that the trainer proves he can make the dog do the trick. If you possessed a magic wand which you could wave and every project on the list were instantly completed, before your butt hit the recliner, she'd dream up more. She doesn't necessarily want the projects done. If they were important, she'd be helping complete them. Her joy is in knowing she can make you jump through her flaming hoop. To her, your obedience is proof of her superiority and your adoration of her. "If you loved me, you'd blah, blah, blah". 
Assuming your place is in decent repair, I figure one afternoon a week is sufficient to devote to home improvement projects and she should be working beside you. You also need to set aside some time for fun family time, some for couple time and you need also need time set aside for yourself. If y'all have regular date night where your attention is focused exclusively on her, maybe she won't need to see you sweating in the yard to reassure herself that she has a loving husband. Next Christmas, buy her a set of tools and a home improvement instruction manual.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

nader said:


> getting all the sex you want changes the whole equation!


Indeed. This is a primary factor for me and taken alone I would work all day and all night.

My difficulty is overcoming resentment from having to do so much more, having to deliver while my w let's go and having to do entirely everything on my own
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Well, having read quite a bit of this, And another post by ten year, here is what I would do. Home improvement is my business so I'm coming from a different perspective. The relationship needs balance and you are not reading from the same script. anyhow . . . 

Here is my plan if I were you. Friday night is date night no projects will interrupt that. Six hours on Saturday can be spent on "projects". There will be a specific start and stop time that will be honored (no whining). Up to three hours of the weekend can be used to finish cleaning tasks not completed by others. One Saturday in every four is off.  

This is reasonable considering her strong desire for home changes. I don't personally spend that much time on that. I have some other hobbies that take up about that much time. 

M N


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> This is interesting. Should I include all household chores on the list with the home improvement tasks? One big problem I have is that I would rather be doing cleaning, clearing or organizational tasks rather than home improvement because I think it is more important. This causes conflict when w insists that she can do this but it never gets done.


I just think its worth it to break everything down so she can see the whole spectrum of what she is asking you to do vs. what she does. Its a starting point.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Just read your other thread, sounds like you are really being wrapped in this " if you love me, you will do this for me!" by your wife. 

You don't have money for amusement parks or vacations, but she wants you to do it! You don't have money for a big fancy house, so she wants you to build her one! 

How about you tell her: If you love me, you will support me and live the kind of life style that we can have. 

Don't give in to this kind of sh*t! 

She is being demanding, and she is being expecting too much from her life. Who said that she deserves this and that. 

Some people think that they are entitled to this and that, they borrow money or work themselves out to live a life they can't afford, it is only causing them more trouble!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr. Nail said:


> Well, having read quite a bit of this, And another post by ten year, here is what I would do. Home improvement is my business so I'm coming from a different perspective. The relationship needs balance and you are not reading from the same script. anyhow . . .
> 
> Here is my plan if I were you. Friday night is date night no projects will interrupt that. Six hours on Saturday can be spent on "projects". There will be a specific start and stop time that will be honored (no whining). Up to three hours of the weekend can be used to finish cleaning tasks not completed by others. One Saturday in every four is off.
> 
> ...


Avid DIY'r here. I love the instant gratification that comes from spending a Saturday doing things here and there. I am pretty picky about home improvement projects so I am right there in the trenches getting it done. It is important to me to fix up this old house so I make it a priority to pull my fair share. I cannot imagine saying we need to do x,y and z and then grab a book and start reading while he is busting his hump getting it done. Unbelievable is right, that isn't her caring about what her home looks like, that is a dog and pony show and he is the dog and the pony. If this was really a priority to her, she would be right beside him doing her part. 
He needs to tell her that if she wants these home improvements done, she needs to do her part. Period.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

STOP this immediately!

You are not the servant to your woman.

Your "love" is not based on how much hoops you are jumping through for your woman.

Stop looking for validation or approval from your woman.

YOu hold down a job, support your family, take care of household maintenance, why would you even begin to imagine you are needing some woman to decree wether you are a "bum" or not! 

Causing conflict you say? Well is that a bad thing? OF course not!

You need to stop wondering how much hoops you should be jumping through, and instead do these things:

Learn about "fitness tests" from this marriage forum website, and look up "Sh!t tests" outside this websight, and understand what these are and how to pass them.

Learn to embrace conflict with enthusiasm, and how doing this increases respect from your woman.

Learn to view your woman's "if you love me then you'll ... (insert task)" statements with amusement and humor, and never take them literally. 

Fact of the matter, it is the same ANYTIME your woman attempts to be your boss, your taskmaster, your supervisor or in any way attempts to place herself above you, simply view such vanity with amusement and respond with wit and humor.

Finally, if your home somehow needs renovating, then decide so from your own decision and leadership and work your plan from there. 

A man working from his own leadership and decision, is winning the respect of his woman and not building up resentment in himself. 

I wish you well.




Ten_year_hubby said:


> I work a pretty standard job from 9-5 Monday through Friday with a 40 minute commute each direction. If my wife had her preference, I would spend Friday night and 9-9 Saturday and Sunday working on home improvement projects. While she sits around reading the paper, talking on the phone and hanging out.
> 
> I am a Christian man but when I read the Bible and review our wedding vows, I not really seeing much specifically about home improvement being my responsibility. Yes, I fix toilets and sinks, install switches and minor fixtures. In the past I painted nine rooms but there is always a lot more to do, believe me.
> 
> ...


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wanted to add I tried pulling the same thing your wife does years ago. We had just purchased this house and it had horrible drainage in the backyard. Having just spent a fortune, we didn't have the money to hire someone to install a french drain. So I complained about the grass dying and what not for months hoping that my husband would do something about it. He did. He said that since this is so important to me, we are waking up that Saturday morning at 6:00 am, going to Home Depot to buy the pipes, sleeves, the pea gravel and the drainage boxes. We start at 7:00am. I told him it wasn't all that important anymore and he said "No way, I've had to listen for months now about the importance of our grass and now that you realize you have to pull your weight you don't want to? No way". 
Do you want to know how much fun tunneling in clay with a pick, saw and shovel is? Having it pour down rain in the middle of it all and watching your trench collapse in to mud? Hacking around 50 year old Oak tree roots in July in Houston? I think hell is colder and certainly less humid. We spent 3 solid weekends doing this and it taught me a valuable lesson. If something is that important to me, I better be willing to go all in. 
Call your wife out the same way my husband did me.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> STOP this immediately!
> 
> You are not the servant to your woman.
> 
> ...


Good advice dude. The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me. The w can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way and the situation can get ugly. So how do I embrace conflict? I've got all the rest in hand or in progress. Doing right is its own reward regardless of whether the w ever respects you or not.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Some men are born with it, they know that they have to be the leaders, but they show their wives love in their way. 

Some men are just being too accommodating to their wives, and the result is that you create a woman who is demanding and whining, and yourself is not happy! 

Be your own boss, and don't let your wife boss you around. 

But providing financial security, marriage fidelity and security, and let her know losing you is something she can't afford!


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Good advice dude. The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me. The w can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way and the situation can get ugly. So how do I embrace conflict? I've got all the rest in hand or in progress. Doing right is its own reward regardless of whether the w ever respects you or not.


Um, read what I wrote about how my husband called me out on my crap. Tell your wife the same thing. She wants things to be remodeled or things to be fixed, wake her butt up at the crack of dawn and let her know that she will be standing right next to you and working side by side.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

How much time? Dunno. Get in your pickup, go to Home Depot, I mean the Mexican Embassy, and ask someone. 

.......juuuust kidding. 

It's only the Consulate.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Good advice dude. The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me. The w can be verbally abusive when she doesn't get her way and the situation can get ugly. So how do I embrace conflict? I've got all the rest in hand or in progress. Doing right is its own reward regardless of whether the w ever respects you or not.


Read BrightEye's example, it is perfect.

Embrace Conflict: respond to her pushing your buttons with amusement, humor, not take literally. Look for ways to tease, flirt, swat her behind, ways you yourself are bringing conflict and challengee to her, and not merely responding to her challenges to you. And NEVER avoiding conflict just to keep the peace, that is respect killer absolute!

If your woman is somehow verbally abusive, it is most likely because you yourself have given her words power over you. Take away that power.

IF things really out of hand, then of course remove yourself from the situation as necessary.

Whatever you do, maintain your self composure and control!


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

Maybe you can hire some cheap labor and supervise a few projects at a time and be done in a quarter of the time? Its a win win. Yes, it cost a bit of money, but how much is your free time worth? All work an no play makes TYH probably passive agressive and not a fun guy wanting to flirt with this woman over there....


I agree on the NUTs. I think you need to define your boundries of what you're willing to do for 'love'. You love her so you'll do up to X and feel good about it. And if she 'loves' you she'll see this effort and accept it. Sometimes you might be willing do more because you want to. But you're working on her terms not yours right now.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Read BrightEye's example, it is perfect.
> 
> Embrace Conflict: respond to her pushing your buttons with amusement, humor, not take literally. Look for ways to tease, flirt, swat her behind, ways you yourself are bringing conflict and challengee to her, and not merely responding to her challenges to you. And NEVER avoiding conflict just to keep the peace, that is respect killer absolute!
> 
> ...


Err, thank you I guess?  
I would agree that using amusement is to your advantage but also don't be afraid to call her out on her $hit. If she wants the perfect remodel tell her in no uncertain terms that you expect her to be working right beside you. If she has working arms and legs, she can pull 50%. If she is unwilling to pull her share, then the improvements aren't important to her and just a way to control you. Stand your ground.


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## Duke (May 15, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I think hell is colder and certainly less humid...


Than Houston in July? I think you're right.



Ten_year_hubby said:


> The part about embracing conflict is difficult for me.


Me too. With humor and wit is even more difficult. But I can see why it needs to be done.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

rebootingnow said:


> Maybe you can hire some cheap labor and supervise a few projects at a time and be done in a quarter of the time? Its a win win. Yes, it cost a bit of money, but how much is your free time worth? All work an no play makes TYH probably passive agressive and not a fun guy wanting to flirt with this woman over there....


I agree! If you make more per hour working than painting, work a little more and hire someone else to do all of the home improvement stuff. This will also help you improve more at your job, gain more recognition, and maybe get a promotion sooner than you otherwise would... Plus, then you wouldn't have to watch your wife sit around and be lazy all weekend.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My story a little different. My husband job keeps him away as much as 10 days at a time. He may be home for 2 days then gone again for 5, and then home again 3. In order for us to spend time together when he is home, I do mainly all of the work. I don't mind doing most of it, as it keeps me fit, strong,healthy, and thin. I even look 20 years younger than my age. 

I stack 2 cords wood in the fall, I lay 20 sq feet of mulch during spring, I paint a 22 room house through out the year, I clean the swimming pool. I start the man snow blower at 6 am to plow as much as 3 feet of new snow. I bag 2o tons of leaves each fall,and heavy duty spring clean up as well. I cut the grass, I maintain 8 gardens< do all house repairs, I paint the outside of the house, I do house repairs, fix what I can, I then do all laundry, all house cleaning, mopping of the kitchen floors, beds , laundry,and take care of a 220 lbs Saint Bernard. I do it all, so when my husband comes home we can spend time together,or with friends. But guess what, did it make our life better? Happier? More time for us? All my husband ever does is complaint about how much time and effort this house is to maintain. Are my efforts ever appreciated? Sadly,no,as my husband just confessed a few weeks ago of having an affair. 

So now guess, I have paid someone to do the mulch. I paid someone to repair the stone wall. I paid someone to put in a new pool, I hired a lawn service to do weekly maintenance,Just hired to boys in the neighborhood to stack the wood.Arrange for winter snow plowing. Fall, spring clean up, paid in advance. Contacted a house cleaning service, done, starting this week,and now sitting by the pool as the pool service team clean. 

So if you ask me,no more home improvement chores for me . Someone else can do it, and someone else is paying dearly for it, and it's not me!


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

nader said:


> getting all the sex you want changes the whole equation!


How so? Presumably she gets sex at the same time, so that balances out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think your wife is taking you terribly for granted, and this is the shame of it. Put her to work if she wants these projects done. Love what Therealbrighteyes said. Also like BBW's advice, of coarse. 

My husband is an excellent excellent handyman -he has even invented his own tools to finish a job. It is usually ME who wants something done, comes up with some plan (us women are good for this!). We talk about it, I call the places to get the best prices possible & we go gather the materials together with our truck. 

He has never had to do any of these "projects" alone, whether I wanted them or they just Needed done to keep the house in order- I am there beside him....... from digging the ditches, taking shingles off the roof, laying cement (I was up to my knees with the guys helping), building (2) 2 story playhouses for 2 separate houses , knocking down peices of a wall to put new windows in - we must have done this for 8 windows over 2 houses ( I like bright rooms), putting up fences, laying our own carpet, putting up dry wall , painting walls, building a chimney, installing a wood/coal furnace, duct work, cutting trees down for the wood, stacking it (he split it), helping with body work, newspapering the vehicle before he paints it - you name it , I was there beside him in the dirt, the grime, the hot sun beating down on us. 

We shopped for a grape Arbor we plan to build just yesterday. Always a new project on the horizen. 


My husband is the "nice guy" type, I could have likely sat on my butt and he would faithfully go do these things all by himself -and silently resented me for being such a pushy woman. I have my faults in life but this was never one of them. Every project I wanted, I was willing to get my hands dirty right along side him, every step of the way. I know how much he appreacites this. And in my mind, the more I help him, the more time we have together & quicker the job gets done. So we all win. 

Like Therealbrighteyes said - call your wife out.


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