# emails from family



## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Do any of you receive numerous emails/messages from loved ones telling you they are thinking of you, can't imagine how much pain you are going through right now....etc.

As of today I have gotten 4 emails. 
I'm not complaining, I love that they all care but I am so hurt right now that when I open them they just bring back all the pain I had previously tried to forget about 5 minutes before. 

What about in-laws? 
My MIL keeps emailing me telling me she is thinking of me and praying for my H and I, saying shes not the one who took the vows but is praying and all of this stuff....What do I say to her? Emails from her hurt the worst as they give me a false sense of hope. Like I am somehow still apart of the family. 
I don't know what I am supposed to say back. 

A thank you for your sympathy and concern, and leave it at that?


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

I think that would be a resonable response. 

I recently returned a family ring to my in laws. There were lots of tears. They said they will always consider me to be their daughter in law, and are sorry that their son and I are divorcing. 
They would still be family even if they weren't grandparents to my children. I plan on keeping a relationship with them.


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## cherokee96red (Apr 23, 2011)

everafter said:


> I think that would be a resonable response.
> 
> I recently returned a family ring to my in laws. There were lots of tears. They said they will always consider me to be their daughter in law, and are sorry that their son and I are divorcing.
> They would still be family even if they weren't grandparents to my children. I plan on keeping a relationship with them.


I have gotten the same thing from all my in laws. I will always be family to them, they don't want that to end. I don;t want our relationship s to end either, after all they weren't the ones that made the choice as to what H has done. MIL keeps telling me that they don't understand nor condone his actions. Twenty five years is a long time to just throw away because of the actions and choices of a single person. I am forever a part of their lives because I am the mother of their grandkids.


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## Giulietta (Apr 21, 2011)

No! None of my friends even remember to ask how I am when they see me. And none of my in laws have contacted me to ask how I am. I ended up ringing parents in law and got through to the dad, he didnt have much to say, he just sounded pretty akward. My dad hasn't rung to ask how I'm going even. The only people that seem to care are two guy friends across the globe who are always sending me their kindness and love. (And my my of course) Maybe it's better that way, but it would be nice for people to reach out a bit otherwise I live in a completely emotionally retarded society and I dont see the point of living in a world like that.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

None of my close friends know what I'm going through,they will not understand the pain I'm sure.A lot of people dont know even a fraction of how it feels.I was one of these people,I had no idea,It didn't occur to me that is even worse than death.I will tell them when I'm ready and better. 
But yeah no one Emails me except my parents once in a while,they give me a space ,they know I'm suffering and they hurt for me ..I can only imagine how that feels.

Right now I honestly don't need people in my life that do not know what I'm going through and that is why my online friends are everything I need.

My extended family do not write to me,my in-laws were concerned before as i wrote to them and told them the whole truth because their son didn't tell them the truth,he told them he was not happy in the marriage but skipped the cheating part.So when they found out they were really upset at him....now though they softened towards him and I guess in the end he is their son so I can't expect much from them. We said our goodbye's and we were on a really good terms but they haven't written since.I'm sure they are pretty embarrassed as to what to say when they know his son destroyed our lives.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I havent heard anything in terms of How are you? from the MIL that lives with us. She who wishes not to "get involved" however, is constantly coaching my stbxw. 
so much for being helpful towards her time of need.
Some people are like packs of dogs.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

I have several friends that text me daily to check in and it is really helping me. I know I can tell them the truth, because they are asking me. My in-laws tell me they are heartbroken, I will see how it goes in the future.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

hmm. To be honest I have 0 close friends.
Just my family and extended family wondering how I'm doing.
I haven't emailed any back there's no way they would understand how I feel, but nice to know they care I guess.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

caughtdreaming said:


> Do any of you receive numerous emails/messages from loved ones telling you they are thinking of you, can't imagine how much pain you are going through right now....etc.
> 
> As of today I have gotten 4 emails.
> I'm not complaining, I love that they all care but I am so hurt right now that when I open them they just bring back all the pain I had previously tried to forget about 5 minutes before.
> ...


I get the same thing. This is a tough one. What are you supposed to do with relationships that were built on love and trust over many many years? I think there is no right or wrong answer on this one. In my case, I still maintain a relationship with them; although not anywhere like it used to be. I still say hello, I ask them how they are doing when they call the house for my W and I pick up the phone. What am I supposed to say to my BIL that I saw grow up over the last 36 years. Hey, it was great to know you and thanks for all the lifetime of friendship we had, all the fishing trips with my boys and his son but we won't be speaking ever again? I don't think that works for me, there is too much sharing there, my sons will forever be his nephews. I can't just turn my back on that.

Caught, I guess if it were me, I would just reply back with what you said. Something like, "I really wanted this to be different but your sister/brother/son/daughter was just not happy. We tried to work things out but <insert your SO name here> just couldn't stay in an unhappy relationship. I will miss you very much but things will be OK for all of us. I hope that we can stay in touch and God only knows where our paths will lead us; you never know."

I know it is difficult to admit, especially to your in laws that you had any part in it, but if you take the high road here and don't burn bridges, it won't just be another obsticle to overcome. You never know where life will lead you. Be thankful that they are still thinking about you, it could be worse, they could be forever bitter at you like my parents are to my W or stbxw, which is very sad for me since she we are now considering reconciliation but as far as my parents and sister are concerned, there will no longer be a relationship with them. How I am supposed to work through that - a lot of spiritual guidance. I hope the best for you.


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

One of the biggest disappointments during infidelity/divorce was that many people who I thought were my friends did not turn out to be that. Many called/emailed during the first days after the affair came to light and right about the time of the divorce. After that we(son and I) rarely get a phone call or an email from many friends(some were mutual some were mine). I find that the hardest. I don't expect them to call me every day but occasionally they can drop an email and say: Hey how are you doing? Do you need anything?( I am too proud to even ask for anything even if I needed it).

My family has been helpful in terms of helping with childcare. But they have been zero when it comes to emotional support. They have not even once asked me how I am coping. they think I should just forget my cheating husband. They(especially my mother) is more concered what her friends will say when they find out I am divorced(like it is my fault that my ex decided to cheat).

As far as the in laws well they are nothing sort of idiots. My ex BIL/SIL have not called since I busted ex to them regarding the affair which is in Apr 2010. They did not even call on son's bday in December. Then last Xmas when I was alone(son was all week with ex h) my ex SIL calls me after 9 months of no contact to wish me Merry Xmas(I hope you are having wonderful time with your family). What kind of Xmas did she think I had without my son without my family, idiot! Anyways I replied to her in a email and I gave her my two cents.

So all in all don't expect too much from anyone. Seems like when you go through infidelity/divorce people look at you like you have some sort of disease even if your spouse is the one that f***ed up royally.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> So all in all don't expect too much from anyone. Seems like when you go through infidelity/divorce people look at you like you have some sort of disease even if your spouse is the one that f***ed up royally.


I understand, I get NO emotional support from people whatsoever. It's more like why aren't you doing this, why aren't you going out, do you think moping around is going to help you any? It's like they are mad at me because I am grieving. They look at me with my puffy eyes and say something like "do you think this is going to benefit you?" never a hug or words of encouragement.

All I got from H's side of the family was emails from MIL. My SIL's and BIL's didn't/haven't said anything to me at all! I can't believe it. I would hope to think if I was in their shoes I would at least say "Im sorry this has happened" or something. Good grief people.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

Yes exactly guys...people that have not been through it think that just because it's easy for them to hate my stbx in an instant when they found out what he did,they think it should be that easy for me as well.
I do explain to my closest family,my brother and SIL that it is a grieving process that is like he died and I need to get through the stages...seems they understand that although they've said that because they have never been through it it is kind of hard to completely get it...can't blame them.
I also had no idea how it feels ,a year before he left me I met a woman at one of my nephews soc"cer practices ,she was newly divorced and her ex cheated on her and left her for another woman...i had no idea what to say...just said I'm sorry....she said it's OK.But now I so wish that I have given her a hug,at that time i had no idea....she seemed fine and I assumed she is just fine...big deal right, I thought she probably hates her husband now and there is no way she is hurting ...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My friends just keep doing what they were doing before that is being my friends/acquaintances. I think it is the vibes I give off...this was tough but I have a plan, here it is, guess what under this plan you get more of the real me and I will smile more. It's not too difficult to be supportive with my attitude. But I did call one friend and asked her to come visit. She gets it, as she went through something similar herself. We are always evolving and sharing our stuff with each other, what I like about her, she has a great second marriage but is always working towards being a better person so supports me in that whether we are married or not. She is coming to keep me company for an overnight and hang out while I do some packing, or to provide incentive for packing and bringing a few things down to the new place...she's very artistic and great with my kids both of whom love art and outdoors creativity play. Also I have my kids...3 of them and even the youngest are being on board...as well as unlikely source their father. Etc. I try to make the conversation un-icky, as much as abuse and what else he did to me can be made. I spare my guy friends the details, for the most part, it makes them super uncomfortable, I guess it is hard for men to hear about a woman they know being treated that way. For whatever reason.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

notreadytoquit said:


> One of the biggest disappointments during infidelity/divorce was that many people who I thought were my friends did not turn out to be that. Many called/emailed during the first days after the affair came to light and right about the time of the divorce. After that we(son and I) rarely get a phone call or an email from many friends(some were mutual some were mine). I find that the hardest. I don't expect them to call me every day but occasionally they can drop an email and say: Hey how are you doing? Do you need anything?( I am too proud to even ask for anything even if I needed it).


Have you reached out to them to say hello? Maybe they are waiting for you to volley the ball back?

I'm pretty lucky. My friends/family aren't swinging too far one way or the other. I would get really upset with a constant assault of "are you ok???" emails but I'd get really sad with no emails


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## notreadytoquit (Jan 11, 2010)

staircase said:


> Have you reached out to them to say hello? Maybe they are waiting for you to volley the ball back?
> 
> I'm pretty lucky. My friends/family aren't swinging too far one way or the other. I would get really upset with a constant assault of "are you ok???" emails but I'd get really sad with no emails


Oh I have, usually it is me trying to make that contact. And I try not to intrude too much with my drama and my feelings either because I know eventually they will all get sick of it. Interesting enough when I joined my single parents group many expressed similar feelings some more some less.

But it is absolutely true that unless they have experienced it none can relate 100 percent. I feel like I have to clean up my facebook friends list.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I was complaining in my anniversary thread about two very good friends I've lost this year. If misery loves company, read that


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