# FOO, death, and rejection.....warning, long post



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

A few years back my father passed away, unexpectedly for me. The reason I did not know he was sick and dying was due to his refusal to speak to me. We never had the best relationship and earlier in the same year he passed away, I had given up trying to mend fences with him because of never getting a response. 

FF to the year he died, it turns out he only directly told one of his four siblings he had been given 6-8 months to live. Their parents are both still living and he did not tell either of them directly either. Per their version of events, sounds like my dad left it up to his one sibling to break the news to everyone else. I found out last and only about 12 hours before I had to go to the hospital and sign to have his life support shut off. 

Life has been an emotional roller coaster for me since. When more facts came out regarding my dad's mental and physical health, his behavior in his last few years was easier to understand. It turns out my dad had dementia due to alcoholism, hence his behavior was erratic. His family knew about the dementia while I did not. H*ll, even my 19yo cousin knew more than I did.

My dad's brother, who knew the most about what was going on, eventually told everyone in the family....albeit months before I knew. Apparently there was argument over who would tell me and no one ended up with THAT short straw! As it turns out, they decided it was best for my father to break the news to his three grandkids (my kids) and me. 

In a world without mental health issues they would have been right about my dad needing to be the one to communicate his diagnosis to me, etc. However, they had known of the dementia for some time and they all knew his behavior was most certainly off to a large degree. I don't know what made them think someone with abnormal behavior would communicate news like this in a normal fashion.

I don't blame them for not _wanting_ to break the news to me but what I can't understand is why no one stepped up until it was too late. What's worse is since then, my dad's family seems to be icing me out of anything family related. Earlier this year there was a family reunion I didn't find out had taken place last April; that is, not until last week. They all get together on a regular basis and I never find out until later. 

I've asked them why and the excuse I get is, "we didn't think you'd want to come." They attribute this to my husband and I living about a 1.5 hour's drive from where most of them live. We are frequently in the city where they live and they know this so it seems to be a poor excuse. Besides that, I have told them I would like to be included.

This is all very hurtful for me. Losing my dad was bad enough but it seems I've since lost the rest of them, and overall I do not have a large family so this is really disconcerting for me. I'm also fairly angry about the entire situation and I can't seem to get past it. I don't want to poison the rest of my life with resentment toward these people but *I honestly do not know how to no longer feel resentful.* 

FWIW, I'm on AD's and have been to plenty of IC, so I've not been sitting idle with it. But when it all crosses my mind I still feel all those nasty feelings toward a few of them; an aunt, one uncle, and my grandmother, sometimes my dad. 

At this point I struggle most with my feelings toward my dad's family rather than my dad. Leaving me out of everything, it's hard to not take personally. I cannot deny that I believe it must be something about me which drives their behavior, something they clearly do not like. Then I feel even worse because I've struggled with lifelong rejection issues. 

At this point I've strongly considered cutting them out of my life to avoid more of these feelings. Either way, I just want this resentment to go away. I'd rather feel nothing then all of this turmoil. So far nothing has worked. Any ideas?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Here's the one most important thing I've learned in my life. Every single one of us has wants and needs and especially - fears. When you try to see what each person's fears are, you'll be better able to understand why people do what they do. A key fear is to not understand how to deal with uncomfortable situations, especially death. When my own dad was dying, I just couldn't deal with visiting the hospital, I'm not proud to say. It's all fear. Try to see that in them.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

turnera said:


> Here's the one most important thing I've learned in my life. Every single one of us has wants and needs and especially - fears. When you try to see what each person's fears are, you'll be better able to understand why people do what they do. A key fear is to not understand how to deal with uncomfortable situations, especially death. When my own dad was dying, I just couldn't deal with visiting the hospital, I'm not proud to say. It's all fear. Try to see that in them.


I can see that somewhat, the issue of fear. I would not want to have been put in the position my father once had them in; whether or not to tell me and via whom. Maybe they're afraid I'll bring it up now. Admittedly, I have been tempted to lash out but haven't done it.

However, my grandmother has no problem whatsoever calling me up for one reason (most often my grandfather's declining health) and telling me about what's been going on with family events. This happened about a week and a half ago and one uncle and I weren't invited to some event because we both live "so far away." This uncle she refers to is her oldest son who lives on the east coast. The rest of us live on the west coast and in the same state, and me? I only live a 1.5 hours' drive away from her! It pretty much seems like she enjoys rubbing my nose in it all. 

My parents' history isn't great either. My parents married young and had a very ugly divorce a few short years later. After a few years my father wasn't the most reliable with visitation or paying child support. This caused a lot of issues with my dad and his parents; his mother was supportive of my dad and his father, not so much. My dad made himself the black sheep of the family and even his mother eventually got fed up with him. My dad was a difficult person. 

At any rate, I was often the "center of attention" with my dad's family yet not for anything good.....this usually stemmed from whatever issue my parents were fighting over at the time. 

I don't know, maybe the situation with my dad was so acrimonious to them they are glad to be done with it all and would rather not deal with me any longer. Too much of a reminder, maybe.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

We all naturally avoid unpleasant stuff. I'm sure that had something to do with it. Not meanness, just fear of facing unpleasant circumstances.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Have you invited anyone for Thanksgiving or Christmas or a summer picnic? Or have you called or otherwise been the one to reach out to inquire about any family members or just to chat and catch up?

I'm not putting this all on you - there are two sides to every story and you only mention they haven't reached out to you but nothing about you trying to contact anyone to see why you were left off of invitation lists, or that you've expressed wanting an invitation because you are close enough to try to make these events. If you haven't spoken up perhaps they think you are happy with the status quo.

Have you considered befriending a few of the closer relatives? Ask them to be your ears and eyes and to please communicate any family gatherings or any family information at all? If you start by developing a few relationships with those you are naturally closer to and ask them to keep you up to date on family news then you could more easily integrate yourself back into the rest of the family. 

Or perhaps send a holiday card to every family member with a note about how much you missed your chance to repair the relationship with him and how family shouldn't wait until the end to find common ground and express your desire to be included. It could be as simple as "With the death of my father has come the realization that family is dear and I feel the desire to be closer to the rest of my family and not wait until it's too late. I hope to be included in this year's family reunion as I would love to see more of all of you."

I don't know if you've tried to extend the olive branch before but as in any relationship, someone has to make the first move. Often there are just a lot of misunderstandings. Maybe he made them feel hesitant to include you and now it's just habit. I think you can interject yourself into family events and start those conversations to find out more. Let them know you never chose sides, that they were chosen for you from a young age but their feelings weren't necessarily yours.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Stop being miserable about the entire situation.

This is THE last thing your father would want. He not only wanted you to be happy (by not telling you) but I'm SURE if there is "heaven" he would want you to be happy TODAY.

So do it.

As for your family, I don't see how there is ANY blame on them. Your father is the one that should've told you (but again, he didn't because he didn't want you to suffer)........you can't expect your family to do the dirty work FOR him, that's not right.

His family simply played into his wishes, I would too, nothing wrong with that.

At times it's best to not say anything, cause when you do, as a sick person, you end up with WHOLE bunch of people that give you special treatment.

I've been down this road, I do have chronic disease and I do my best to hide it....as I simply DO NOT want "special treatment" or people feeling bad for me. 

Simple as that.

Focus on positive and be optimistic. Pushing your family aside for any of this would be a wrong step here. This would be a time when your family should be united and more stronger than EVER.

Good luck


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Towards the end of life, especially for dementia victims, they get strange and made poor decisions.

Also, their families make stupid decisions about communicating what is going on and letting others have closure.

Yes, you were denied a chance for closure with your dad. And that sucks.

There now is a rift with your family as a result.

If you can find it in yourself to accept that they are flawed and did wrong by you, you maybe can empathize with their choice. 

Your father in his confused state made poor choices. Your siblings respected his wishes no matter how idiotic they truly were.

If you now have no contact with the family, is that your choice or theirs?

Extend an olive branch if you can.


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