# Perimenopause ?



## data12 (Sep 11, 2011)

Hello

Let me start off by saying that I am 39 and my wife is 46. Been married almost 12 years. We both work full time jobs and have 2 kids 7 and 9 years old. Over the last 2-4 years there have been some changes in her behavior. All of the symptoms point to perimenopause. Her moods are changing, sometimes she is very patient and other times she snaps a bit, she is not very happy at work as she has a boss that is making life hard on her, she describes hot flashes, has trouble sleeping etc . 

Current household situation is this. I do all of the cooking, we split the cleaning and laundry about 50-50 etc. Last 3-4 weeks she has been worn out when we get home from work ( carpool sometimes) so if there is housework to do I will take care of it while she helps kids with homework etc. 

I had been trying to get her to talk to me about what is going on without beating on the menopause drum. About 5-6 weeks ago she opens up and says that she does not know why she is feeling the way she does and she does not understand it herself. She did say that we speed every waking minute with each other and wants some "space", the right after that said that I dont mean split up or divorce. I dont suspect fooling around, I do trust her 100%. If this is perimenopause is it totally possible for a woman to basically just come unraveled and need some time with either herself ? 

We have been spending a little less time together lately and if that is what she needs to get herself together then I am ok with it. What can I do to to help her get through this?

Thanks


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## RoseRed (Aug 27, 2011)

data12 said:


> Hello
> 
> Let me start off by saying that I am 39 and my wife is 46. Been married almost 12 years. We both work full time jobs and have 2 kids 7 and 9 years old. Over the last 2-4 years there have been some changes in her behavior. All of the symptoms point to perimenopause. Her moods are changing, sometimes she is very patient and other times she snaps a bit, she is not very happy at work as she has a boss that is making life hard on her, she describes hot flashes, has trouble sleeping etc .
> 
> ...


I can completely relate to the commencement of perimenopause. I'm 44 and just starting to recognize its effects. I equate some of the emotional/mental process much like during pregnancy... it can be fairly subtle at times... others like hell on wheels! Pregnancy is 9 months... going through menopause... about 5 - 10 years... yikes... 

I'm sure its put many men through the wringer!! 

For some women, like myself, we like to have time and space to fully understand, recognize and wrap our brains around the whole process undisturbed.. without distracts of daily life for a couple of days... where we dont have to worry about feeding, tending, caring or anything for a solid chuck of time. Its nothing to take personally.. its just a method.

One thing for sure... if she is having a difficult time with the process.. please encourage her to see her doctor... there are hormone replacement therapy that can be effective and although they do carry some health risks, the benefits may outweigh them in her case. This is physiological process and it does a number on us both physically and mentally. 

You are doing everything right in my books, however this is a medical issue that takes a little more care for some women.

good luck and best wishes


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Go see a competent medical doctor for a complete exam to rule out other health issues first. Confirm diagnosis with a second opinion.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

data12 said:


> If this is perimenopause is it totally possible for a woman to basically just come unraveled and need some time with either herself ?


Oh, YES. Speaking as a 47 yr old who feels like someone came and switched her body overnight.

Emotionally it's like PMS X 10. Not sure whether that's the hormone fluctuations or the sleep deprivation. Then there's the overwhelming fatigue -- more than being tired, it's like trying to swim through molasses. And the brain fog. My normally reliable memory for detail is gone, sometimes I can't remember a phone number between looking at it and turning to dial. There's a weird word substitution effect, the other day I said "cucumber" instead of "chrysanthemum".

Try as I might to intellectualize it, there remains a nagging feeling that the onset of menopause signals the end of viable womanhood for me -- next step, withered old crone.

I agree with aug, however... rule out other medical issues first. Perimenopause can be difficult to pinpoint if there are no obvious markers like elevated FSH level or menstrual disturbances.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

This is a tough one; there could be so many reasons for her feelings. Yes, have a medical exam, hormone treatments or a thyroid problem may be the issue.

Be careful with doing too much around the house. You don't want her to start losing respect for you if she does not have enough invested in the marriage.

As far as wanting space, be careful with that one too. She may be having a mid-life crisis, and space just leads to having her need for fun and youth being fulfilled by someone else.

Make sure that you two do things you enjoy TOGETHER every week. Give her massages. Keep the emphasis on having fun together.


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## data12 (Sep 11, 2011)

Thanks for all of the inputs. Rosered and Aug she does have a Dr appt coming up in the next 2 weeks. I have already touched on the subject of having tests done etc.. 

Lovesherman I have thought about that and now the house work total is well shared minus the heavy yard work. That is mine however If I need weed pullers her and kids come out and take care of it.  Also regarding the space I honestly think it is because as a woman she feels that she is losing control of herself and does not want to break down ( for lack of a better word) in front of me and the kids. As I said as long as it is for that reason then I have no issue with it. 

Twodogs what you have described is very similar to my wife. She states that she is not tired but exhausted and shes is asleep before she hits the pillow. One thing that I forgot to mention is that 3-5 days a week she wakes up between 2-4 am for no reason and cant get back to sleep. She has always been the kind of person that can take a 2 hr nap, go to sleep at 10, sleep all night no issues. I cant do that I would be up all night.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

First off, you're a good man to seek counsel in lieu of trading her in for a younger model. Kudos! 

When she goes to the doctor, check her hematocrit numbers. She may need iron. If she is really tired, she may be Vitamin D deficient too. Since she's getting older she may need Calcium citrate with magnesium to fend off osteoporosis. 

I am 40 and recently diagnosed with anemia. Adding the iron, daily vitamin and other 2 supplements has helped me a lot. Flowers, date nights in or out, manicures and pedicures are also super nice.

Thanks for being one of the good guys.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Data12 - thanks for raising this. I think my wife is going through the same thing. Although . . . I was told several months ago that I was NOT to 'go there' with the hormone stuff happening. In the meantime it's been an amazing rollercoaster of emotions. And she did go to the 'we may need a separation' . . . until I started asking friends to help me find an apartment - then that was a bad idea. Her regular periods have always been really tough on her and I'm just trying to brace myself. Good luck to you both.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Perimenopause can be HELL. Been going through it for the last two years now with seemingly no end in sight yet. It is a rollercoaster - not just of emotions, but physical symptoms.

Go get yourself some books on the subject and start reading up. Here's some good ones that I have read:

Amazon.com: What Your Doctor May Not Tell You About(TM): Premenopause: Balance Your Hormones and Your Life from Thirty to Fifty (9780446615396): John R. Lee, Jesse Hanley, Virginia Hopkins: Books

Amazon.com: Menopause For Dummies (9780470053430): Marcia L. Jones, Theresa Eichenwald, Nancy W. Hall: Books

Amazon.com: "No, It's Not Hot In Here" , A Husbands Guide to Menopause (9780965506731): **** Roth: Books


Note that there's not really a test for perimenopause from your doctor. They can make a diagnosis usually based upon your symptoms, but hormone tests may not reveal much at all - not unless you want to go back every month for hormone tests to see what is happening each month - since some months are okay and others are he!!.

Make sure that they test her thyroid when she goes to the doctor. That often starts to go on the fritz when you get peri-menopausal. Mine has gone down the tubes and it's actually been quite hard to get regulated again with all of the hormone swings I have.

Depending on severity of symptoms there are a number of things that can be done. The first is lifestyle changes - eating right, losing weight, exercising, taking high quality nutritional supplements, getting enough rest, trying to reduce stress. Next line is treating some of the symptoms - for instance I now get awful migraine headaches every month and I currently have medication just for that. Third line is considering some kind of hormonal treatment - for perimenopausal women that is often low dose (contains 1/3 less hormones than normal) birth control pills if cycles are totally out of whack or sometimes anti-depressants (if moods are totally out of whack).

What a great husband you are for wanting to figure out what's going on! Arm yourself with some knowledge, and prepare to hold on. It can be a bumpy ride, but it doesn't last forever. I tell myself that everyday. 

Best wishes.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Enchantment - I'll check out the 'husband's guide' and try and keep it under wraps. If I never post on here again, you'll know what happened to me . . .all the best to you!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Well I must be some exception to the rule here. I imagine I am in this, I am of the age being talked about. 

But for me, I want to be CLOSER, not further apart. The only time I seem to act up these days is when I am pmsing and start THINKING he doesn't want to have sex with me. I get real sensitive about such things. It is like I need MORE attention than I used too. I am mid 40's.

I have noticed something odd in the past year or so, it seems when he is hot, I am cold (body temperature) when he is cold, sometimes I am hot. Weird. But I am not having any hot flashes type thing. My periods are coming a little bit closer than they used too, but I feel on top of the world, never any headaches (except an occasional one during menses), I still don't eat as good as I should, Still have tons of energy. I feel as good as I did in my 20's, even better -back then is when I had more headaches. 

I really don't know if I am Peri or not! I would imagine women go through menopause in a similar fashion & time frame as thier Mothers did. ?? My Mom's was very very mild I guess, she told me.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I am in my early 50's and have gone through perimenopause and am now in full blown menopause. My journey has been hell to say the least. Not only was it rough physically, but also emotionally as I dealt with my sometimes very irrational thoughts about loosing my youth, fertility, and sexuality. 

My advice to all women going through this is research, research, research. As Enchantment said, there are a variety of options available to help you get through this time in your life, including traditional HRT (which includes the low dosage birth control pills), bio-identical hormones, diet and exercise, supplements, and herbal medicines. Don't necessarily go with what your doctor first recommends and definitely trust your instincts. You know your body best. Every one is different and what worked for your best friend, may not work for you. Find a doctor that looks at you individually and does not do a "one fits all" treatment plan.

In my mid 40's when I started my perimenopause nightmare, my doctor put me on low dosage birth control pills. I was on them for several years. While it helped some of my symptoms short term it made many others worse long term. As I started to get closer to menopause my symptoms spiraled out of control. My doctors reaction was - you are going through menopause, this is normal and recommended the traditional HRT drugs. After doing a lot of research, I found that for some women, birth control pills can actually mess up their hormones badly. That is what I felt was happening to me. I was leery of the synthetic HRT's "one fits all" nature. I found another doctor who would test my individual hormones. My tests showed I was estrogen dominant, with low progesterone, and also very low testosterone. While my TSH (thyroid) levels fell in the high end of my first doctors normal scale range, my new doctor used a lower scale (which many doctors now use) and my Thyroid levels turned out not to be in the normal range on her scale. I decided to go on bio-identical hormones and also a low dosage of thyroid T3 and T4. My recovery was not a quick fix, it took awhile to find the correct hormonal balance for my body. At the same time I also changed my diet and exercise habits eating more natural foods, more high quality protein and less processed foods and sugar. Because of these changes and with the help of the bio-identical hormones, I am finally feeling so much better and more back to normal physically and emotionally than I have in years. 

So bottom line - research all your options, trust your instincts about your body, find a doctor that will work with you on what you personally need, eat healthy, exercise, and understand that you are not alone in this journey. There are many resources available to you and many doctors are more informed and open to the different treatments today then they were when I started this process.

Here is one of my favorite sites that I have used as one of many information resources. While they advocate and sell natural supplements (which I have not purchased), they have excellent articles that explain perimenopause and menopause. Look under the articles section.

Articles on women


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