# Why do waywards do activities they wouldn't have done with their spouse



## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

This one floors me. My STBX is continually undertaking activities she would have shunned if she was with me. 

My STBX wife along with her A partner take my daughter to hockey games, drag races, and other events that she would never have participated in with me... and I would have gladly done these things if she had only asked! She also has told my daughter and brother-in-law that I never wanted to go out and do things.... yet I was the one constantly trying to get her to go on vacations, etc. but she always used her work schedule or a supposed lack of money as an excuse as to why we couldn't do these things together. WTF!!!! What the H*LL is this all about. It's enough to make you go crazy. Why is it okay to do these things with loverboy but not with your SO who she cheated on repeatedly????

Qwill


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Q-
As far as her statements of you not wanting to do any thing, I would have to say it is alot easier for her to rewrite history and make you look like the bad guy, there by making her feel less guilty for her bad choices.

Keep in mind your wife has a different dynamic with her new man, she is in a fog that makes her do things that normally she wouldn't do. This fog can be so thick that if a cheating spouse is willing to step out of a marriage, they will go rock climbing even if they are affriad of hieghts. Think about it, if she's willing to cheat she's will to go swimming even if she can't swim, get it.

Its all about the fog, rewriting history, doing activities not normal, and the biggest one here....behaving in a manner that is extremely unhealthy to the family. It rally is just one gaint glumb of BS fantasy.

Its not about the activity, its about the OM! If your cheating wife hates spiders and the OM collects them, You can pretty much guess the she won't hate spiders any more. 

As far as vacations, we take 2 a year and my cheating wife has told me how much the OM's hated them. The OM's could never understand why she (my wife) would go on them with me. causing them to break it off. In your case I see it the other way around. Your cheating wife's OM didn't want her to go so she didn't.

From what my cheating wife has told me, and as odd as it seems going on a vaction with your spouse was like stepping out on the affair partner...I know wierd, but thats what I was told.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

She may be engaging in those activities as a way to retain the OM for unlike you, her STBXH, she may be fearful that the OM can bolt out of her life anytime he chooses.


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## Qwilleran (Jun 11, 2011)

Thanks for your replies Guy & Morituri. You have definitely given me some information to think about. This whole concept of "the fog" is both amazing and bizarre!

Qwill


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

This is something that I have decided to explore when I get home. I still have some questions over a year after the fact.
I suspect that a lot of that "change" just has to do with the new and exciting feelings that come with an affair.
I will let you know what I learn


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Sounds good DanF, let us know what you find out.

After I found out about my then. now ex-wife´s sexual affair, I asked her in what way was our sex life lacking. She said that it wasn´t but that the OM brought out one of her fantasies of being a cheating w*ore which she said she was afraid to share with me because I would never look at her in the same way. *I told her that her lack of trust in me and her full trust in a strange man, hurt me just as deep as her sexual affair.*She begged me to give her another chance, and I simply asked her _"Why? Did you give me a chance to know what your sexual fantasies were?"_. In that moment I knew that my marriage was over. Ironically, her lack of trust in me and her fear that I would shun her became a self fulfilled prophecy.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

It's like when I was 18 or so, and I had that one psycho GF (the one who pretty much made me a "bridge burner", and so I will not remain friends with an ex).

I was an incurable fan of the rock group Rush (still am), and she would never listen to them, said they sucked, and that I must have had "issues" if I listened to them.

Two months after we break up (and I was stupid enough to stay friends with her), guess who's the biggest Rush fan on the planet, wears their T-shirts and can't wait for their next concert...

...all because her new BF loved them and she saw how important it was to him.

And that's how I felt, like she deliberately started liking Rush, just to p*** me off, as if this new guy was "good enough" to immerse herself into his interests for, but for me, it was the most unappealing proposition.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You do realize that the fantasy of being a cheating wh0re is bs made up to zing you yet a little more.

I don't buy it. She may be one, but that was not her fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

michzz said:


> You do realize that the fantasy of being a cheating wh0re is bs made up to zing you yet a little more.
> 
> I don't buy it. She may be one, but that was not her fantasy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That may be but I´ve lived long enough and have seen some very bizarre behavior in people over the years to not discount ANY half-baked explanation, no matter how loony it sounds.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

She didn't like your company or doing things with you. I've to admit I'm on the other side of that. I can only take my wife's company in small doses. More than 45 minutes to an hour she'll get morose and angry, grumbling, muttering and nasty. If someday she finds a partner she actually likes, wonderful.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

findingmyway said:


> Qwill, from my experience, the WWs I've known have routinely claimed to do things with me that they didn't with their husbands. This was more sexual in nature, but follows the same basic concept. I'm not sure why, but it is common. Perhaps it keeps it exciting or maybe it was because I planted the thoughts and expressed interest in experimenting. Who the heck knows. However, it was common.
> 
> Good luck
> FMW


It's hostility directed at their husband using a foil such as yourself to help them wreck their marriage.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think it is because they are trying to impress the OM. Just like they tried to impress you when you first met. My wife would go to ball games with me. Even played ball with me on a co-ed team with friends. She would go to hockey games with me. She would have sex all the time. Was always very nice.

Once we were married and used to each other, she quit doing things that I liked.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

According to the book his needs her needs it's because they are trying to yes impress the OM. Once they have him they will revert back to not liking the same activities.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

magnoliagal said:


> According to the book his needs her needs it's because they are trying to yes impress the OM. Once they have him they will revert back to not liking the same activities.


Pretty effed up way of thinking.

I'll throw away my marriage by stepping up my sexual repertoire with someone else, then once I've ruined everything at home I'll drop it down with my partner in crime too.

Seems rather pointless and self destructive and hateful.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Maybe the spouse left behind never wanted to do any of those things and now he or she resents the fact that their cheating spouse does anything at all with anyone. I stopped asking my wife about activities a long time ago. The answer was always no. Until it's her idea then it's most urgent thing since oxygen. ok, have it your way.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Man, I wish I knew the answer to that. I must has asked my wife to go bowling a few thousand times over our 13 year marriage. I'm not a big bowler. I'd ask her to go on dates. I'd give a list of options available, including bowling. She rarely, very rarely, went and then it was usually to a movie. Last weekend, on our way back from a family trip, she suggested bowling. We stopped and the family went bowling together. I thought we were on the path to doing fun things together as a family. That was on Monday. On Thursday, she left to be with OM. On Friday or Saturday, my daughter had talked to her. She was telling my FIL, "Mommy is going bowling with a friend." Of course, my wife didn't tell my daughter who this "friend" was. WTF!!!! 13 years of no bowling. 1 bowling trip with family less than a week before bowling with OM. She apparently was using the time with us to brush up on her bowling skills to impress OM on his hobby. Holy cow!


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

michzz said:


> Pretty effed up way of thinking.
> 
> I'll throw away my marriage by stepping up my sexual repertoire with someone else, then once I've ruined everything at home I'll drop it down with my partner in crime too.
> 
> Seems rather pointless and self destructive and hateful.


I agree that it's a pretty messed up way of thinking, but it's no different than how we all acted when we were courting our WS's originally. We were willing to do things for them that we didn't normally do before that. We tried to be the perfect person for them and they for us. Most couples tend to be this way with each other in the beginning. It's called the honeymoon phase. Eventually we grow tired of putting in so much effort and become relaxed and complacent in our relationship. I mean we already have them, they're not going anywhere, right? Wrong, marriage is just as much work, if not more than the courting period. The honeymoon phase generally ends about 2-3 years into all relationships. It's at this point that you're both able to figure out whether you can be together long-term. That's why I personally recommend that people date for this 2-3 year period, so they know who they are getting involved with. 

WS's will eventually drop the facade and their AP will know who they really are, just as the AP will drop theirs and show their true colors. This is part of the reason why relationships never tend to turn into long-term commitments when born out of an affair. They are stuck in this twisted honeymoon phase and when reality finally settles in, they start to wonder if their AP is also going to cheat on them one day. Only most WS's tend to not get through the honeymoon phase before they start to question fidelity.

Edit: They do these activities because they like the way the other person makes them feel and are willing to do anything to continue to feel that way. It's an endorphin high that's very addictive, evidenced by their unwillingness to give it up immediately after being caught.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

michzz said:


> Seems rather pointless and self destructive and hateful.


But they don't see that. They're blinded by their lack of reality.


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