# Important lesson for reconciliation



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

Well I am back with some advice for those people trying to decide if they should reconcile. There are a ton of posts on here, including myself, debating giving WS another chance. If you are having the nagging feeling in your gut or your spouse is not 100% remorseful don't do it.
I opened the door a small crack to my spouse the last week. We still live in separate houses but we have started counselling again. He now shows appreciation and even starting to take some steps towards true remorse.
But then he started acting wired again. Hiding his phone, tell tale sign. So I asked him about it, I said if we have any chance he needs to be honest with me. I said we are separated and I chose to leave so if he is seeing somebody else he has that right but he can't be perusing an emotional and physical relationship with me at the same time. He said all he wanted was me and nobody else and I was his soul mate and he would do whatever he needed to make this work.
But my fragile heart doubted him so while we went out for lunch I hooked up his phone to wondershare. Surprise surprise there was the new girlfriend all over his phone. They have been having sex in our bed and worse when my kids are home.
This is like D day all over again but much worse. So again I am back to no sleep and feeling like a fool. 
So now the question part. He said he lied cause he didn't want to hurt me and he made it clear to her he did not want a relationship. I said I had the right to know because he puts me at risk for STDs. I told him you can't tell me you want our marriage back and kiss me and try to be intimate with me and have a plan B on the side in case it does not work out. Am I right to be this upset? I mean we are separated. Am I right to feel this is cheating?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

You have every right to be upset. He says you're his soul mate and yet is having sex in your own bed with the type of woman that thinks it's okay to sleep with a married man.

That's not remorse. Hiding his phone is not remorse. If my WW had even talked to any other man at all during our separation that would have been it. She knew that too. I firmly believe in giving everyone a second chance but never a third. BTW, I feel really terrible for you. This story made me trigger a bit because I also was told "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt you." I think WS's don't realize how incredibly stupid of a thing that is to say when they've been caught screwing someone else.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

KingwoodKev said:


> You have every right to be upset. He says you're his soul mate and yet is having sex in your own bed with the type of woman that thinks it's okay to sleep with a married man.
> 
> That's not remorse. Hiding his phone is not remorse. If my WW had even talked to any other man at all during our separation that would have been it. She knew that too. I firmly believe in giving everyone a second chance but never a third. BTW, I feel really terrible for you. This story made me trigger a bit because I also was told "I lied to you because I didn't want to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt you." I think WS's don't realize how incredibly stupid of a thing that is to say when they've been caught screwing someone else.


Thanks for the feedback. You said something that made me realize maybe I needed to let him know that boundary. You said your wife knew it would be over if she talk to another man while separated I never set that boundary. But I did come right out and say his behaviour was concerning me and flat out asked if he was seeing somebody. So either way a man trying to save his marriage after cheating can't lie.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> Thanks for the feedback. You said something that made me realize maybe I needed to let him know that boundary. You said your wife knew it would be over if she talk to another man while separated I never set that boundary. But I did come right out and say his behaviour was concerning me and flat out asked if he was seeing somebody. So either way a man trying to save his marriage after cheating can't lie.


I actually wrote out my requirements for R and gave them to her. She had to be 100% truthful and humble. I had to get an answer to every question I asked regardless of how humiliated she'd be or how hurtful the answer would be to me. She forfeits all rights to privacy. I have to have access to all computers, phones, online accounts, etc. She actually shut down her Facebook account. People were really letting her have it. It was getting ugly. There were even women who had known us for years that asked her if they could call me because they knew I was a "good one" and said it would be a shame for a good one to be single. That actually made my wife furious which I thought was ironic. She has to also realize that she can never again, ever, have OSF's. No married person should, truth be told. Your spouse should be your best, and ONLY, OSF. She had to also recognize that she is a cheater so she should have situational awareness enough to never put herself in situations where cheating is known to occur. That means no OSF's, no girls night out, no spending any considerable time with a man 1 on 1 for any reason, even work. These are things that you and I could handle but not cheaters. They have to recognize what they are and not put themselves in these positions. It's the same as alcoholics. You and I can go to bars with no fear of over doing it but alcoholics can't. They need to stay out of bars the rest of their lives.

Everybody has different requirements for R. Search your heart, start making a list of everything you need from him so that R will work for you. Formalize that list. Share it with him and talk about it. It could be that he can't live by those rules or doesn't want to. Then you know it's over.

My wife also agreed that any violation of that list whatsoever means it's over. Now if a male tries to contact her for anything that might be even the slightest red flag issue she contacts me immediately. A guy at her former company, that is a total douche, contacted her and said she shouldn't have to be sad, life is too short, your husband is treating you like sh!t, there are guys (like him) that would treat you much better, blah blah blah... My wife was disgusted by this and told me right away. I contacted him and let him know some things that were going to happen in his life if he ever contacted my wife again. That was the last we heard of him.

I think R has to be unique to each relationship but if you want help in making an official rules list then we can talk about them here. I'm sure there are a few ground rules that everyone here will agree on but there could be others that you might want to add for your specific situation. We'll help in any way we can. We're a club of BS's. We're all in this together, somewhat.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Jelly !
You more than most know the rules. You know all the tricks, the lies, the pain.

No remorse. No reconciliation.
Girlfriend on phone. No reconciliation


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

once a cheater, always a cheater.

Jellybean, what is your strategy now ? Have you put a thought to ending it, living in limbo or R since this event ?

He tried to push a false R on you. How many times have you two tried R ?

A false R is worthy of ending it.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

wmn1 said:


> once a cheater, always a cheater.
> 
> Jellybean, what is your strategy now ? Have you put a thought to ending it, living in limbo or R since this event ?
> 
> ...


I haven't gotten there yet. This new D day just happened today. Don't see anything changing so now it is time to cry it out and move on. He has no sense of remorse and I have no trust in him. I means really he still works with the first OW, he is her boss, and now has this new OW. He sees nothing wrong with having the new woman cause we are separated, I agree if we were not trying to R and were separated and moving on then he has a legitimate argument. His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> I haven't gotten there yet. This new D day just happened today. Don't see anything changing so now it is time to cry it out and move on. He has no sense of remorse and I have no trust in him. I means really he still works with the first OW, he is her boss, and now has this new OW. He sees nothing wrong with having the new woman cause we are separated, I agree if we were not trying to R and were separated and moving on then he has a legitimate argument. His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?


He doesn't sound like the kind of person that could live by any set of rules you would come up with. You might not want to waste your time. I'm really sorry this happened to you. You sound like a nice person. He's had his second chance and blown it. That's all the chances anyone should get. You need to think of your future without him and build a plan.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> I haven't gotten there yet. This new D day just happened today. Don't see anything changing so now it is time to cry it out and move on. He has no sense of remorse and I have no trust in him. I means really he still works with the first OW, he is her boss, and now has this new OW. He sees nothing wrong with having the new woman cause we are separated, I agree if we were not trying to R and were separated and moving on then he has a legitimate argument. His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?


He had to work to get back together because the heavy lifting should have been on him. 

he shouldn't have an OW if trying to reconcile. As you said, if separated and moving towards D, it is more understandable though I wouldn't do it then because I would want a D first. 

If I was the WS and I was trying to get back together and as long as you were not seeing anyone (which would block R anyway), then these is no reason for him to be. 

So I feel there's no argument on his part. In fact, he cheated on you, then in an attempt to R with you has to cheat on someone else while doing that. He lacks moral compass and that's why I was not sure if you 'had it' yet with him or not.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> I haven't gotten there yet. This new D day just happened today. Don't see anything changing so now it is time to cry it out and move on. He has no sense of remorse and I have no trust in him. I means really he still works with the first OW, he is her boss, and now has this new OW. He sees nothing wrong with having the new woman cause we are separated, I agree if we were not trying to R and were separated and moving on then he has a legitimate argument. His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?



Typical cheater. 

Blameshifting. 

He wants to make it your fault that he's dating someone else because YOU "didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together".

Well the reason you can't give him that indication is because you can't trust him to be monogamous. He continues to prove that he cannot be.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Jelly_Bean this man has given no indication that he's serious about reconciling with you. You're there waiting for him to make the decision to choose you, and he's out happily spreading his pollen in your bed and enjoying his freedom. If he was really interested in making amends to you, he'd be falling all over himself to show you how much you mean to him and how badly he wants to be with you. He's NOT doing that. I think maybe it's time to call it quits. Move on. Enjoy life. I'd bet that there are quite a few guys out there who would appreciate a good and faithful woman and not saddle her with betrayal. Move on and see what good things await you! :smthumbup:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

He is not the type of person whom can be in a monogamous relationship. You may have to accept the fact that he is not built that way. He cannot provide the security and protection you need or want to be in a relationship with him. Even though you love him, he is who he is.

Not everyone can be monogamous, and just like there are people out there that can be monogamous with ease. Sometimes it just goes down to the genetics that you were given. It has a role in how you turn out also. Kind of like the maternal gene, most women have it, and some do not. Those that do not possess those genes have a less need to have children, and have less of an instinct towards it. I think it is best if you move on unless you want to change your lifestyle to be with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> I His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?


So, in his world, it's ok to screw as many women as he wants while he woos back his 'soul mate' (gag me)?

All that says is that he considers women pieces of meat to be used. Or manipulated. I know quite a few men like that. They 'love' their wives but hey, they're guys, gotta do what they gotta do, you know?

Run.

btw, I have been around men all my life. Enough to hear this, all the time, which I imagine is what your stbx is telling his buddies about you: she wanted me once, all it takes is a little sweet-talking to get her back in bed. She's the easy one. The other ones are the fun ones, I have to _work _to get _them _in bed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people can change and some can't. 

You found out something he didn't want you to know and now he's trying to spin it and make what he did okay. It isn't. 

You were on the right path when you were separated. Think of this as a temporary setback and move on. Your future shouldn't include him.

PS
Your situation is why I rarely support separation. It's too often used as an excuse for sex with others while the faithful spouse waits to R.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

turnera said:


> So, in his world, it's ok to screw as many women as he wants while he woos back his 'soul mate' (gag me)?
> 
> All that says is that he considers women pieces of meat to be used. Or manipulated. I know quite a few men like that. They 'love' their wives but hey, they're guys, gotta do what they gotta do, you know?
> 
> ...


Being a man I'm in the club so men speak freely around me. Women would be shocked if they heard the conversations and saw the behavior of probably 80% of men that are married or in committed relationships. I think 80% is a very fair estimate. You poor ladies have to try to find that other 20% They're out there. I know quite a few great guys, faithful till death, but they're all married.

Most of these cheating men have constructed some sort of "rules" around their cheating where they don't think they're doing anything wrong. I know guys who only cheat when they're on the road for business and only ONS's. They don't consider that cheating <insert eye roll here>. As a man who has access to other men's behind the scenes behavior I have to say it's pretty appalling. 

Women don't help when they give their men rules that are far too loose or no rules at all. Wanna go to strip clubs with the guys? Sure. Wanna go on a trip with just the guys to Vegas? Sure. Want to have OSF's that are running partners or old friends from high school, friends from work blah blah blah? Sure.

I've heard SO MANY WOMEN say my hubby has female friends that he goes out for drinks or coffee with but it's fine because I trust him. I hate to tell you but he wouldn't be wasting the time doing that if he wasn't fishing. Please ladies, do some mate guarding. I know this free-wheeling swinging decadent western culture we've built these days says to be fine with everything and let him do his thing otherwise _you're _the bad person but don't buy it. Protect your relationships.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I'm trying to understand how you're able to put up with so much disrespect and having someone lie to you and feed you bull**** on their reasoning for doing so.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

jelly_bean

I am sorry you have to go through this. All I can say is your husband is wrong and I would consider what he has done as cheating, if, there was no reconciliation offered. If your husband thought even remotely that you both may reconcile then what he did was cheating. Marriages don't have a safety net, so when you fall it hurts bad, and leaves you wondering if you will ever stand again. From your husbands actions I would say he is not remorseful and deserving of a woman of your caliber. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> I haven't gotten there yet. This new D day just happened today. Don't see anything changing so now it is time to cry it out and move on. He has no sense of remorse and I have no trust in him. I means really he still works with the first OW, he is her boss, and now has this new OW. He sees nothing wrong with having the new woman cause we are separated, I agree if we were not trying to R and were separated and moving on then he has a legitimate argument. His other argument was I didn't give him enough indication that we would 100% for sure get back together, which is true. Does he have an argument there?


If he saw nothing wrong he would've been honest about it. That's pretty much all there is to it.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Openminded said:


> Some people can change and some can't.
> 
> You found out something he didn't want you to know and now he's trying to spin it and make what he did okay. It isn't.
> 
> ...


:iagree: Big time especially on your last point


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

Locke.Stratos said:


> I'm trying to understand how you're able to put up with so much disrespect and having someone lie to you and feed you bull**** on their reasoning for doing so.


Severe gaslighting will make you question your own thoughts and fill you with doubt.

Enough so to make you feel like you're going crazy.

That's why she's asking us to validate her concerns. She knows she's right but his rationalizations become believable in this state.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

OP.

I can understand where you are coming from. I am separated from my husband, 6 months after his affair. Oct will be 4 years that we haven't lived together. May will be 4 yrs that we haven't shared a bed together. 

When we separated we made no rules, no boundaries. Stupid yes. I have asked him throughout the time if he has been intimate with other women, and his answer is alway something like, " I am an old man now, who wants to have sex with me?" 

I ask if he has visited places for sex, his answer is always, " I would never pay for sex." It's been almost 4 years for us, and this is coming from a marriage that sex was healthy & happy, and a husband who was adamant that he would never stay in a sexless marriage! ((as he has a few miserable guy friends who do, & cheat))

We hadnt separated to go our own way, but to try to figure out what happened, what to do next, get thur the pain, before I could really consider R. I knew thou from day one, it was going to be next to impossible. But he has always wanted to return to the marriage. 

Your very situation is something that I live with everyday wondering about. I also wonder if it is cheating? I wonder too if I am being just so stupid. I wonder if I have the right to know... I wonder all what your going thur without having experienced for real yet, i

I'm sorry your living my next nightmare... 

~sammy


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sammy, I take it that your husband never actually directly answered ANY questions put at him? He seems to be very skilled. Is he a politician, lol?


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> OP.
> 
> I can understand where you are coming from. I am separated from my husband, 6 months after his affair. Oct will be 4 years that we haven't lived together. May will be 4 yrs that we haven't shared a bed together.
> 
> ...


It is a nightmare. This is worse than the first D Day for sure. Sorry to say. I am an emotional mess all over again. I feel like such a loser.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

When you separate with the idea that you will attempt R it's supposed to be to give you both some breathing room and decide if you really wan to R.

It's not for doing comparisons with other people to see if you're worth giving up cheating, or not.

Your husband may not want to D, but not enough to give up his 2nd life.

I know it's a hard pill to swallow, but he started cheating when you were both under the same roof. He continued to cheat when you were apart. I doubt that he'll stop for very long if you start living together again.

I'd tell him that he's made his choice and start talking about D. When he pushes back on it, ask him what his new GF thinks about it...


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Lesson 1) Believe none of what you hear.
Lesson 2) Believe less than half of what you see.
Lesson 3) Trust your gut without question.
Lesson 4) Once bitten.....
Lesson 5) Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice...
Lesson 6) Their Friends and Family: See Lesson 1 & 2.
Lesson 7) Trust only your mind, not your heart, or penis if your a guy.
Lesson 8) If it looks like a duck.
Lesson 9) Don't fall prey to them "demoralizing" themselves. It is an effective method for gaining sympathy. It is very effective and insidious. 
Lesson 10) Know enough to admit the juice is not worth the squeeze. 


Good luck.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Well I am back with some advice for those people trying to decide if they should reconcile. There are a ton of posts on here, including myself, debating giving WS another chance. If you are having the nagging feeling in your gut or your spouse is not 100% remorseful don't do it.
> I opened the door a small crack to my spouse the last week. We still live in separate houses but we have started counselling again. He now shows appreciation and even starting to take some steps towards true remorse.
> But then he started acting wired again. Hiding his phone, tell tale sign. So I asked him about it, I said if we have any chance he needs to be honest with me. I said we are separated and I chose to leave so if he is seeing somebody else he has that right but he can't be perusing an emotional and physical relationship with me at the same time. He said all he wanted was me and nobody else and I was his soul mate and he would do whatever he needed to make this work.
> But my fragile heart doubted him so while we went out for lunch I hooked up his phone to wondershare. Surprise surprise there was the new girlfriend all over his phone. They have been having sex in our bed and worse when my kids are home.
> ...


As a WS who is in the midst of reconciliation and repairing the marriage myself, I have to say that seeing your thread here JB is truly heartbreaking. I'm floored. I am so terribly sorry that you're having to relive this all over again. The decision to end it or remain will be entirely up to you, but I will say that I truly do feel for you my friend. *big hug*


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I think you're more disappointed in yourself than your angry with him. I think a part of you knew that he is the way he is. It was a bad choice in trusting him to be honest . Love makes us illogical at times. It can affect our judgement, and we operate on hope and what we want to happen. You love him and you wanted him to be a certain way because you want to keep on loving him.

All you can do is learn from this and grow. You can love him, but perhaps, he is not the right enough partner that you need.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> So now the question part. He said he lied cause he didn't want to hurt me and he made it clear to her he did not want a relationship. I said I had the right to know because he puts me at risk for STDs. *I told him you can't tell me you want our marriage back and kiss me and try to be intimate with me and have a plan B on the side in case it does not work out. Am I right to be this upset? I mean we are separated. Am I right to feel this is cheating?*


JB,

No Offense... you are Plan B.

Hey, I'm all about 2 chances, (5+ years with my FWW). 3rd? 4th? not for a split second. Tally up the Man, no remorse, no sincerity, no honesty... No Change. 

In a weird way, you should actually feel lucky. Unlike most (me included) you got a real life preview of the future. Make the most of it.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> When you separate with the idea that you will attempt R it's supposed to be to give you both some breathing room and decide if you really wan to R.
> 
> It's not for doing comparisons with other people to see if you're worth giving up cheating, or not.
> 
> ...


I told him that unless he sits at a table with me and her and explains that he lied to both of us I will take full custody of the children. I most likely will anyways cause I have had enough.
I also texted his married friend's wife that she should not let her husband near his group of cheating, lying friends and that the reason we were getting D was his affair with Porsche. Even used her name.
Next I email his friend the true story so he can't hide behind his lies anymore.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

RWB said:


> JB,
> 
> No Offense... you are Plan B.
> 
> ...


Ha ha ironically I am plan A to him and she is plan B. He said the second I say we are back together he will ditch her. So not sure what is worse that he lied to her about our marriage being over or that he thinks we can R while he has a plan B. How does he keep all these lies straight?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

jelly_bean said:


> I told him that unless he sits at a table with me and her and explains that he lied to both of us I will take full custody of the children. I most likely will anyways cause I have had enough.
> I also texted his married friend's wife that she should not let her husband near his group of cheating, lying friends and that the reason we were getting D was his affair with Porsche. Even used her name.
> Next I email his friend the true story so he can't hide behind his lies anymore.


Nice! Especially the first one! Might use that.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

jelly_bean said:


> It is a nightmare. This is worse than the first D Day for sure. Sorry to say. I am an emotional mess all over again. I feel like such a loser.


This is crap! I am so very sorry you are here. You are doing the right thing and staying strong. You a re being a very good person. There is no way that you should feel like a loser. Make sure you exercise daily and get sunlight on your face. You are doing wonderful.

Don't settle for anything less than the best.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

jelly_bean said:


> Ha ha ironically *I am plan A to him and she is plan B. He said the second I say we are back together he will ditch her.* So not sure what is worse that he lied to her about our marriage being over or that he thinks we can R while he has a plan B. How does he keep all these lies straight?


Um, I don't think so.

He cheated on you while you were together. You separated and he started cheating on you with someone else. Now that he knows that you know about the someone else, he's staying with her until you decide to give him another chance.

I'm sorry, but I think that you've been his plan B for some time now. If he had truly wanted you back(plan A) he would/should have been willing to do anything to make this happen.

Especially stop having sex with yet another OW.

Actions, not words. His actions have painted a portrait should be hanging in the "cake eaters" gallery. I'll bet if you were to tell him that you're going to start seeing other men while you're separated, he'd tell you that he wouldn't be there if you finally decided to attempt R. Yet, he expects you to be there for him to do the same.

Btw, even if you told him that you wanted to live together again and give R a chance, he's most likely not going to stop cheating. His excuse will be that you didn't seem like you truly were into R'ing, so he didn't truly never stopped.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Um, I don't think so.
> 
> He cheated on you while you were together. You separated and he started cheating on you with someone else. Now that he knows that you know about the someone else, he's staying with her until you decide to give him another chance.
> 
> ...


I will agree we truly were never Ring, mainly cause he didn't want to do the heavy lifting and because I was scared of this happening again. But in the last 10 days we had some very mature open conversations. We even rebooked out therapy sessions and were going to work on our R. I had suspicions he had been seeing somebody and I came right out and asked him. He came right back with a no. Once caught he said he had made it very clear to this lady that all was looking for was sex and if we had made progress in therapy he would have cut it off for sure. I do believe that is how his twisted mine works. I was his first choice if everything was "fixed" but while working on it he was still separated and therefore could also have a girlfriend. I texted the woman and asked her if told her we were still working on our marriage, he of course did not, he told it was over and I was a horrible person that never treated him well enough. He is a narcissist through and through and believes he has done nothing wrong and this is all my fault. He still to this day says he had an affair cause once during a fight I told him to go somewhere to get it (long story). The only reason he voluntarily stopped the first affair was because I was in my first trimester with his child. So I think he is more like on strike 100 which is why I am mad at myself for even letting him weasel his way in a bit.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I don't think he would have stopped even if you did R. He just didn't intend for you to find out and (now that he knows you know) the spin has begun.


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## KingwoodKev (Jan 15, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> I had suspicions he had been seeing somebody and I came right out and asked him. He came right back with a no. Once caught he said he had made it very clear to this lady that all was looking for was sex and if we had made progress in therapy he would have cut it off for sure.


Ok, as much as I hate to see marriages end I mean come on. You have to respect yourself more than this. This dude is an a$$hole. This is not how a good man behaves. My WW and I have been separated for two years. I never once even considered being with another woman. I was even hit on by a couple of women that I found out had hoped we wouldn't make it because they knew I was a keeper and wanted me. I told them if I was to date you then I wouldn't be the guy that you think I am. I loved my wife throughout the horrible things she did and still do. I wouldn't do anything with the opposite sex unless we were officially divorced. 

BTW, a tip for all you ladies, if your man tells you he physically has to have sex and uses that as an excuse I'm here to tell you that's a lie. He's full of it. If he's that hard up then internet porn and masturbation will suffice nicely. If he screws around then he's hopeless.

jelly_bean, I think you know the end game here and I understand your fear and downright sorrow about that possibility but sometimes you have to cut someone loose.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

This is from a previous thread of yours.


jelly_bean said:


> So I finally have a sense of peace, for the first time I am going to move on and not look back. I just shows *my EX husband will never have the ability to tell the truth and the emotional IQ of a 10 year old*


I couldn't have written the above better myself, yet here we are again.

I think that you know that you have to (finally) move on from him. You have to want to. Your unwillingness to move on is why you're here again.

You've stated earlier that reconciliation requires true remorse. Your husband *CLEARLY* doesn't have it. In addition to remorse, effort by the adulterer is also required, as well as respect and honesty. Your husband is sorely lacking in all of the requirements. That is all you need to know that this will not work, no matter what trash or reasoning he spews or how much you wish it to. He is selfish, arrogant, uncaring, inconsiderate and self-serving.

There's really no point in mentioing more all the reasons and examples your husband is a massive tool (and having read through your threads there is a substantial amount of overwhelming examples), he is and you deserve better. You have to believe this.

The focus now should be on you healing and moving forward. I understand that it is hard to let go and it will take time, there is no denying that. In the meanwhile you should make the effort to take care of yourself.

You are familiar with the 180 so adhere to its guideline. You also need to take care of your emotional and physical well-being. Take care of your body, exercise regularly throughout the week. Set fitness goals and activities for yourself. Join a gym or take up a sport. It will help improve your mood and your confidence. Eat healthy and rest well each night.

Your emotional well-being should not be dependent or revolve around your husband. You are so wrapped up in his drama and nonsense and that will only serve to bring you pain and you drag you back into his orbit. You should communicate with him only when you have to and only when it pertains to finances, the business, your children or the household. Try to avoid initiating and taking his calls or meeting in person unless necessary and communicate only in text or email.

Surround yourself with good, caring people and spend time with them. Go out with your friends and family, even when you lack the motivation. You are single and unattached so be open to meeting new people. Tread carefully and be cautious because you are still very much emotionally vulnerable.

Most importantly, have fun and enjoy your life.


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