# Just found out



## joyjoy (Jan 9, 2013)

Husband just told me about being with someone...he is under an extreme amount of stress. I am trying to understand why men do this and can separate emotion from sex. He is extremely remorseful, feels ashamed and wants to do everything in his power to make it right again. I should feel grateful for this. But I'm going through every emotion known to man. Right now I can't "see" the other side where we can actually make our relationship stronger. Any insight?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Sorry to hear you are in this position. Please hang in here for the other wise posters to jump in.
In the meantime, has he stopped all contact with the o/w and if so, have you been able to verify this.
You can expect to go through a roller coaster of emotions, whether you choose to stay with him or separate.


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## joyjoy (Jan 9, 2013)

Unfortunately he works in another country but is resigning to come home to fix what he has done. O/W lives in yet a different country as well....After dealing with a lot of stress(financial)...he snapped...needed the "escape". No excuses, but from a lot of reading I know men can do things like this under much stress.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

joyjoy said:


> Husband just told me about being with someone...he is under an extreme amount of stress. I am trying to understand why men do this and can separate emotion from sex. He is extremely remorseful, feels ashamed and wants to do everything in his power to make it right again. I should feel grateful for this. But I'm going through every emotion known to man. Right now I can't "see" the other side where we can actually make our relationship stronger. Any insight?


It is good that he is remorseful, but I'm not sure how 'grateful' or understanding you should be. Does he feel you should be grateful or do you?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Hmm, there are a few of us here whose H's cheated while in another country, mine included.
You dont have to make any decisions immediately, be careful not to be pressured to make binding choices while you are in such a highly emotive state.


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## joyjoy (Jan 9, 2013)

When I take myself "out of my body" and look at this for what it is...I feel that it's a good sign that he realized he messed things up. I keep telling myself, "geez...he's not in love with someone else...it wasn't a relationship." I feel that there is hope....but I feel so lousy. He is extremely agreeable to counseling.


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## joyjoy (Jan 9, 2013)

I'm a research freak, so I am constantly looking for anything that can help me or give me perspective on the psychology of a man and why they can do this.....although I'm sure we'll never really know


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

joyjoy said:


> I'm a research freak, so I am constantly looking for anything that can help me or give me perspective on the psychology of a man and why they can do this.....although I'm sure we'll never really know


Not all men (or women) are the same. Some will cheat when a blatant offer is made, some will seek opportunities, some will decline opportunities, and some will avoid being in situations where they might occur.

I'm sorry that you find yourself here - Assuming you do go ahead with Reconcilling, make sure you don't allow 'rugsweeping' and make sure that issues are dealt with, and not allowed to fester - like draining a wound.
Otherwise things will bump along unhappily, until something else causes all the old resentments and issues to flare up again.

It must be dealt with to YOUR satisfaction.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Start here..take the time to really read it....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Joyjoy

I think some background information would help. Was this a one night stand? If not, how long has the affair been going on? Did he confess or did you confront? What as he done to show he is truly remorseful? Is he doing all the heavy lifting? Is he still in contact with OW?


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