# After you choose



## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

This is the first time that I have ever posted to a site like this, or any site really, but I find myself so lost and confused that I do not know where to turn. 

I was in a relationship for 14 years, married with one child. We were 16 when we started dating and 19 when we had our child. We went through many many ups and downs throughout the years, and we both went through many changes of growing, learning and becoming adults. Throughout our teenage years he did a lot of cheating, there were many nights that I was home wondering and waiting. There also was some physical abuse. The abuse would always tend to occur when alcohol was involved, so I often overlooked it or made excuses for it. It was not abuse in the terms of the rug was vacuumed so I minimized and rationalized often. Ultimately I would take him back, I learned now I was and am very dependent and unsure of how to be happy with myself, something I definitely had no concept of at the time and honestly still don't. The physical abuse eventually stopped, but the fear, aggression and anger did not. There were many long nights of crying, long nights of my heart pounding when he was mad, and long nights of promising I will not continue allowing him to do this to me. I never really stuck to that promise. Instead, I disconnected, started spending more time away from the house and (here it is) met someone new.

I started an affair. It was only emotional at first, but after some time it became a full blown second relationship. He was single and knew that I was married. We became very close and talked daily. Our converstaion was stimulating and deep. He made me feel sexy, smart, important, and loved. After two years of carrying on this affair, I decided I was going to risk it, take my chances, and leave my husband.

I moved out. He promised to change, he wanted counseling, he was willing to do anything. I wasn't ready to start any type of reconciliation, I was ready to breathe. The man I started an affair with allowed me this time to breathe, at first. And now I am realizing this too is an unhealthy relationship but again I find myself not wanting to let go. Hoping things will work out. Wishing I could find the answers. The more things don't work out with him the more I question my choices, my desire, my needs. I started to let my husband back in little by little and although I am still moved out, I am in the same position. And of course he is great. He is willing to help me in every way he can, he wants to take me on dates, he is a great father to our son, he wants it to work.

I just do not know where to turn. I feel more guilty now than I ever have. I feel selfish and wrong. I feel all of this is unfair for everyone involved, yet I cannot muster up the courage to end either relationship completely or even be completely honest with either. This is not who I am, I am not a liar and a cheater and an immoral person, although this is who I have become. I just do not know....what does a person do after they made the choice when half the time they feel regret and half the time they feel overjoyed.

I know this is a long post and I thank all who read and reply. I did not provide much detail in many aspects, but also do not want to go on and on.


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> This is not who I am, I am not a liar and a cheater and an immoral person.


Yes you are you are all of the above plus you are a "Cake Eater" and I suspect you are someone who wouldnt have left if you didn't have someone else on the side.

You need to own up to everyone today so they can see the REAL you and workout if they want to be with someone who is a Liar and a Cheat and I would also suspect you have been having unprotected sex with your AP putting your H health at risk.

Like I said you need to come clean NOW TODAY with everyone.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Mr Right said:


> You need to own up to everyone today so they can see the REAL you and workout if they want to be with someone who is a Liar and a Cheat and I would also suspect you have been having unprotected sex with your AP putting your H health at risk.


Right because everyone else involved in this story seems be have such a great deal of character. Give me a break. 

What you need to do is move on with your life away from these people. Wife beaters do not get a second chance in my book and you recognize the Mr. Right Now was not "right" now or likely ever. He was exciting and safe at the time.

You dated and married the dolt from high school and went from that relationship to another relationship with little hope of long term success. My guess is you have no idea who you really are. You need a lot of time by yourself to figure this out. Forget about "being with a guy" as this seems to be the only think you believe defines you. It does not. Go to a battered women's shelter and get some help and some counseling and start working on yourself.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> This is not who I am, I am not a liar and a cheater and an immoral person, although this is who I have become.


Umm...but you _are_ lying and you _are_ cheating and yes, what you're doing *is* immoral. You don't get to say that you're not a liar, and yet _continue_ to lie. I'm sure that you can see the obvious absurdity in that. 

I agree that you probably shouldn't be with either man and that you may have some self-exploration to do. 

You'll only stop doing this stuff when you *decide* to stop...

...and not a moment before.

Vega


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Breathe,

It has been pointed out to you two times now, so this will be three.

YOU are a LIAR.
YOU are a CHEATER.
YOU are IMMORAL.
YOU are SELFISH and destroying your family.

I am not trying to be too harsh on you here, but yes you are all of the above. You pointed out that your husband has not been perfect. He might be a total clod. I don't know.

What I do know is that people who decide to cheat on their spouses tend to inflate and maximize the flaws of their spouses while minimizing their own.

You are a cheater. You are a liar. You are having an affair with a single man and the reason is NOT because your husband is violent. It's not because he is a moron or a dolt. The reason that you are having an affair is BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. You don't care about your husband/boyfriend or the effects of what you are doing will have on your child!

So when you have issues in a marriage, instead of cheating, what you need to do is talk to your spouse. If you don't think you can be with your husband any more then you need to talk to him. You have a child together. He is the father. Your actions affect the life of your child.

You don't INVITE someone into your marriage as an escape. You deal with the problem. If your husband isn't being the man he needs to be as a husband and a father, you need to let him know.

If he doesn't have that ability in him or doesn't care to do what it takes then you need to look at moving on. You don't seem to have ever given him the chance or knowledge to give you what you need. You took what you wanted from the single guy and are throwing your husband under the bus.

So basically, you wanted more out of your relationship. You didn't talk to your husband about it. You started an affair. You have a child that you don't care what happens to. You are destroying the life of the person you had a child with. You are committing adultery. When you say you aren't a bad person,.... well yeah, I really have to say you are. You are being a very bad person! What have you done good here except satisfy your own selfish desires? I would have to say not one thing! That really points to being immoral, a liar, a cheater etc...

That may have been harsh to you but it is honesty in a blunt form.

If your husband has done bad things in the past and you are unhappy and battered because of them, you need to be strong. You have made a LOT of bad choices and acted weakly and you justified every one of your choices with, your life is so awful.... you deserve to cheat (and breathe)...

Being strong isn't cheating. When your child looks at you when they are older and sees you for the person who cheated on their father and ruined their happy family, you will most likely receive some resentment and bitterness that you probably never considered would ever happen. Would you trade your (breathing) now for the respect of your child?

A few things I suggest...

1. The OM you have, the single guy.. He is a Piece of S***. A man who goes after a married woman is a POS plain and simple. I would definitely always remember that.

2. If you need to breathe and be separated for a while, get your own place. Do NOT see the POS OM! Find out who you are. You are married I believe. You need to deal with your husband. You need to come to terms with him. You need to see where that path leads first. I'm going to be honest with you here. You probably see all the flaws in him now and don't see the reason why you married him. Let me point this out. You sure as heck aren't perfect by any stretch of imagination. You are a known liar, cheater, adulterer, and selfish person. Look at yourself very carefully before you judge your husband.

Take care of your marriage first. See where that goes. Work on it. If you have the POS OM on the side, then this will end very badly for a great many people. Your child may come to resent you for the rest of their life. Don't move on to another man until you have dealt with your husband and your child's father first. Be fair and honest about what you are doing.

I don't want to be too harsh on you, but you are in a lad of denial and entitlement here. You are doing very bad things. You are being a bad person. Yes you are, absolutely without a doubt.

Sister, every one of us does bad and stupid things. We have to look at them honestly and see them for what they are and not just the rosy picture of how we would like to see them. Life may have dealt you a hand that wasn't the best, but you are looking to justify cheating on the father of your child and there is NO justification for that. Deal with your marriage first. You are in a very difficult situation, but you brought a bunch of this on yourself when you decided to start an affair.

The first thing you need to do is stop doing the things that bad people do. You are human. We all make mistakes and you want to be a good person. You can't be a good person with the OM because in order to do it you have to do a lot of bad things to your husband and child. Deal with your family!

Sister, I am sorry you are here. I wish you the best in this. Deal with your family WITHOUT the OM. He needs to be gone. He will cloud the picture and will help lead your family to ruin. You are destroying your husband's life and his relationship with his child and your family. YOU are causing this. You want him to be a better husband, well YOU tell him to BE A BETTER HUSBAND.

Good luck to you and God Bless!


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## Mr Right (Oct 5, 2013)

RClawson said:


> Right because everyone else involved in this story seems be have such a great deal of character. Give me a break.
> 
> What you need to do is move on with your life away from these people. Wife bCeaters do not get a second chance in my book and you recognize the Mr. Right Now was not "right" now or likely ever. He was exciting and safe at the time.
> 
> You dated and married the dolt from high school and went from that relatioYnship to another relationship with little hope of long term success. My guess is you have no idea who you really are. You need a lot of time by yourself to figure this out. Forget about "being with a guy" as this seems to be the only think you believe defines you. It does not. Go to a battered women's shelter and get some help and some counseling and start working on yourself.


Are you that [email protected]&B you can't work out what she has posted about her husband is typical for a cheater to justify what they are doing. 

What is she suppose to do when she gets to a "battered women's shelter", tell them her husband hit her and the last time was 8 years ago? Wake Up.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You need to get into some counseling to understand why you get yourself involved with these guys. They are horrible. 

Help for Abused & Battered Women: Domestic Violence Shelters & Support

I don't think it would hurt to read and do the work involved with the book, "Codependent No More", by Melodie Beatty. It will have some good information for you. 

I think you need to take care of you first. Get out of that relationship with the partner. Although the previous posters are very harsh, they are telling you what you will have to do to get back with your husband. You will have to come clean and tell the truth. I wonder if that is safe to do? I think this should be handled in sessions with a counselor, but what do I know? 

I don't like cheaters either. Can't trust someone who cheats. It takes years to regain trust through reconciliation. It destroys the betrayed spouse. At the same time, abuse destroys the abused. 

My thoughts are to quit seeing this other man. He cannot be good for you even if your marriage is over. You have to work on you. You need to gain some understanding about yourself. See, what bothers me is that if you were afraid of your husband, how could you take that huge risk of finding another man? Do you believe your husband to be a wimp that will not do anything about the affair?

That's not important to answer. I was just thinking out loud. Good luck. You will find it a bit easier here after you show some true remorse and start to change. There are more betrayed spouses here than wayward spouses. The waywards who are hear and are in reconciliation are really good people who are working hard to change themselves and their marriage for the better. 

I secretly route for them because I know they must be going through hell. I know they will be better than many betrayed spouses, when all is said and done. It just hurts to know what the betrayed has gone through. I am a betrayed spouse, as well. 

I hope you don't give up. You can learn a great deal here. You can get the support you need if you have the strength to withstand the initial onslaught. They all mean well and you will see that later on in your healing.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

ok, you wrote that your current husband had cheated on you during the engagement period, but also during the marriage?
Personally I think you should get away from everything and everyone .... try to understand what you want from your life. Currently you do not do nothing but harm those around you but most are harming yourself


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Mr Right said:


> Are you that [email protected]&B you can't work out what she has posted about her husband is typical for a cheater to justify what they are doing.
> 
> What is she suppose to do when she gets to a "battered women's shelter", tell them her husband hit her and the last time was 8 years ago? Wake Up.


Actually Einstein I read what she wrote and I am not real interested in debating you or anyone else here regarding your opinion or theirs on this or any other matter. So please understand I will not be wasting my day here discussing the merits of my thoughts vs. yours. 

I read that she is someone who understands that she has made terrible choices and seems a bit surprised that she finds herself in these circumstances. Yes they are her actions and her choices and she accepts them. Now that the TAM company line has been established she can be guilty and start to find out why she is attracted to relationships with losers and hopefully correct that behavior. It does not sound to me like there is any future with her deadbeat husband or the AP (of course). 

Now she can start healing herself and begin a new life that will have positive relationships. Maybe her knuckle dragger husband will understand that actions sometimes have harsh consequences. Maybe the AP will become self aware and realize he is a heel. At this point they all seem a bit far fetched but me being a person who believes in hope will let it all ride.

I am done here.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

I feel your pain, because I hear you crying out for help, asking ... 

What I have learned, when we resist long enough to something that is just plain wrong in our life, something that we wont admit to,eventually it will push back until we are forced to deal with it, own it. This is what your dealing with. 

You are no where near the person you were when you married, and doesnt sound like you found the right partner then to grow with. Don't be afraid of yourself. Go for help, search who you are. Your not a bad person, just doing bad things, mainly to the people you do love, and to yourself. 

~sammy


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Again, it goes to show that not all cheating stories in CWI are black and white. Sometimes, people make stupid decisions because they think they are in a hopeless situation. The OP did the wrong thing to try to cope with her crappy situation. At the same time, I shed no tears of the husband if he was in fact a wife beater and serial cheater in the past. 

It makes you wonder how many of the CWI stories that are true happen to omit some crucial facts to show the complete story.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> It makes you wonder how many of the CWI stories that are true happen to omit some crucial facts to show the complete story.


I remember one thread where the OP,after many pages of support and advice,posted in an "oh by the way" manner that he was also a cheater.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

TBT said:


> I remember one thread where the OP,after many pages of support and advice,posted in an "oh by the way" manner that he was also a cheater.


And there was a guy who's wife cheated on him with a close friend, and then we come to find out that up until the actual betrayal occurred that their group of friends were pushing a lot of boundaries together with skinny dipping together, a different woman sitting on the lap of the OM while naked, etc... While the OP's wife in this example was clearly in the wrong, there was enough boundary pushing and questionable activities at parties where it at least was not surprising to find out that an extramarital affair occurred among the group of friends. 

Add this to other situations where we find out the BS played video games constantly, preferred the company of friends vs his/her spouse, chooses to cut his/her spouse off from intimacy, etc. etc. I am a firm believer in the notion that you will reap what you sow. If you treat your marriage like crap, don't be surprised if you find out your spouse responds in kind.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Breathe31 you took a big step by posting on here. You are a WS among mostly BS's. You need to stop all contact with OM. Confess to husband....... then.... who knows? Your husband deserves this.... You deserve this for your health. If not just divorce him. Don't live two lives. The OM is not that great, I promise.


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> This is the first time that I have ever posted to a site like this, or any site really, but I find myself so lost and confused that I do not know where to turn.
> 
> I was in a relationship for 14 years, married with one child. We were 16 when we started dating and 19 when we had our child. We went through many many ups and downs throughout the years, and we both went through many changes of growing, learning and becoming adults. Throughout our teenage years he did a lot of cheating, there were many nights that I was home wondering and waiting. There also was some physical abuse. The abuse would always tend to occur when alcohol was involved, so I often overlooked it or made excuses for it. It was not abuse in the terms of the rug was vacuumed so I minimized and rationalized often. Ultimately I would take him back, I learned now I was and am very dependent and unsure of how to be happy with myself, something I definitely had no concept of at the time and honestly still don't. The physical abuse eventually stopped, but the fear, aggression and anger did not. There were many long nights of crying, long nights of my heart pounding when he was mad, and long nights of promising I will not continue allowing him to do this to me. I never really stuck to that promise. Instead, I disconnected, started spending more time away from the house and (here it is) met someone new.
> 
> ...


Your story has a lot of similarities to mine the difference is I was in a 10 year relationship with a girlfriend beater and cheater and though we planned marriage, I was lucky that he pushed me off and made me abort my baby. In high insight he did me a favor I would have been stuck with this person in my life forever.

I was with this boy from age 12-22. Him 16-26 I was so abused and brain washed ( believe they call it Stockholm syndrome) In my case, he left me and got another girl pregnant and had this off again on again thing for the last year we were together. I knew he would never let me leave him, so while he was off again I met a man who knew my situation and became my strength and I broke it off for good. 

This was not pretty and he threatened me for at least a year, however I never regretted leaving him. I have been in my relationship/marriage for 23 years now.
I do realize I brought baggage to this relationship and have never been on my own, we have had a lot of ups and downs and I had an affair on my husband 2 years ago and are currently in R. I love him with all of my heart and will spend every hour of every day making it up to him.

I do reflect back and had I been strong and been on my own before starting a new relationship I believe I could have fixed some of the things within myself that allowed me to tolerate bad behaviors that I took into my marriage.

If you can get away from all the men in your life and focus on you and your child you will be a better person for the both of you, Im not saying keep your child from his father, I just think you can look at the situation with open eyes if you stand back from it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wow, you can really tell who the nasty and bitter people are. OP, why do you feel you must have a man? Get rid of both of them; they have both shown you who they are. Your hb didn't give a sh!t about you until you left, then he had to get his prize back. He will likely go back to the way he was once you're safely back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Breathe,
> 
> It has been pointed out to you two times now, so this will be three.
> 
> ...



Umm, I'm pretty sure hubby wreckef the relationship with cheating and abuse. A lot of what you said makes good points but that one is ridiculous. She didn't destroy it, he did, and now he's sleeping in the bed he made.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

I left out many details as once I started writing it felt like I could go on and on, but I would like to share that I when I decided to leave I arranged for my child to stay with my mom for a couple of days. I then moved my things out with the police standing by, which is not easy to ask or expect the police to do. I ended up leaving with clothes and hygiene products only. I had an apartment lined up and did not tell him where it was. I obviously could not discontinue all communication as we do have a child, work schedules, bills etc. I initially started basic conversation through text or phone and did not contact him in person. After some time, and many promises and apologies I started finding myself slowing going back and believing him. Eventually this led to more and more communication and the predicament I am in now. I did not necessary feel I wanted to start conversation and allowing this communication, but it slowly just starts to happen. When I left I felt like I was done, done and done. I honestly think that some of the reason that I am allowing to let him back in, in the first place is due to the fear and the anxiety that I feel when he is not happy.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

I am not quite sure how to use this site. I tried to reply under someone's comment, but it just posts as the last post, is there something I am doing wrong when replying? Also, is there an abbreviation list somewhere because often times I am reading replies and other posts and I do not know what a lot of the abbreviations mean. CWI ? OP? many more.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

BREATHE31 said:


> I am not quite sure how to use this site. I tried to reply under someone's comment, but it just posts as the last post, is there something I am doing wrong when replying? Also, is there an abbreviation list somewhere because often times I am reading replies and other posts and I do not know what a lot of the abbreviations mean. CWI ? OP? many more.


Hit quote under the person's comments. Then write underneath their comments when it pops in the box.

I don't have the link to the abbreviations and I am on my way out the door. If I had time I would look for them.

CWI is coping with Infidelity. This is the section you are in right now.

OP is you the original poster. The person who started this thread.

Gotta run.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sadly you'll learn the vocabulary faster than you'ld like. 

~sammy


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## learning to love myself (Apr 18, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> I left out many details as once I started writing it felt like I could go on and on, but I would like to share that I when I decided to leave I arranged for my child to stay with my mom for a couple of days. I then moved my things out with the police standing by, which is not easy to ask or expect the police to do. I ended up leaving with clothes and hygiene products only. I had an apartment lined up and did not tell him where it was. I obviously could not discontinue all communication as we do have a child, work schedules, bills etc. I initially started basic conversation through text or phone and did not contact him in person. After some time, and many promises and apologies I started finding myself slowing going back and believing him. Eventually this led to more and more communication and the predicament I am in now. I did not necessary feel I wanted to start conversation and allowing this communication, but it slowly just starts to happen. When I left I felt like I was done, done and done. I honestly think that some of the reason that I am allowing to let him back in, in the first place is due to the fear and the anxiety that I feel when he is not happy.


It’s not about his happiness, it’s about yours.

If he was abusive before he will be abusive again, except now he will feel justified in hurting you, he will hold this over your head. ( how dare you put me through this ). I don’t know him, I know someone like him, no matter how hard you will try to please someone who is unhappy with their own life they will not change, he knows you and just how far to push, except this time he may not let you leave.

It has taken me years to realize that I don’t deserve the bad things people do to me. As a child it was being molested and standing up to him as an adult and not keeping my mouth shut about the things he did, as far as the ex-boyfriend it was actually emailing him many years later and telling him he was a horrible person to me and really laying it on the line and not caring if he liked what I had to say or not and having him say that I was right to leave him. (closure for me) 

This is the hardest one of all… Im a WS I made a huge mistake and hurt my family, I betrayed my husband and my marriage, I can step back now and see what I did and actually own it. It is hard to realize that I too am without fault and have made some very poor choices and hurt so many including myself.

I have talked openly about this to my children, my parents to my former friends, this has been something I never thought I could do. As bad as what I did to my husband is, I truly believe Im becoming a better person, I have learned to be honest with not only him but with myself.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

BREATHE...
Learning to love myself again said it is not about his happiness it is about yours.
THis is absolutely true.
I have been a member of this board since July. I have received a lot of help and understanding. Some comments I may not like or I may disagree with but I have found them very helpful.

I sort of identify myself with you in the aspect that before I met my soon to be ex husband, I was always looking for validation from men.
I always needed a man to make me feel good about myself.

Why do you think that is so?
I can tell you why I always wanted validation.
Because I never felt loved by any of my family members. I was the ugly duckling. I was the outcast.

Now, I have been separated for a while and it is just now that I am separated (alone, no man) that I am starting to realize all my childhood traumas and how to fix myself.

I am not close yet, but every day is a new beginning.
It concerns me that you jumped from one relationship to another so quickly, Please work on yourself. Make a promise to you and your child that you will learn to be happy by yourself and then find another relationship.

Good luck to you!


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

BREATHE31 said:


> I am not quite sure how to use this site. I tried to reply under someone's comment, but it just posts as the last post, is there something I am doing wrong when replying? Also, is there an abbreviation list somewhere because often times I am reading replies and other posts and I do not know what a lot of the abbreviations mean. CWI ? OP? many more.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/forum-guidelines/464-common-message-board-abbreviations-acronyms.html


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Your husband is playing the victim. It's all about him . His unhappiness. His issues. He's put his behavior on you. He trying to make you believe you should understand why he's troubled. Don't take it on. 

And of course you both still love each other, so those emotions are getting in the way, if you will.

Im so glad to hear you have your mom to help you and your not alone. 

~sammy


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Sorry your here .


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Breathe31, your husband and your boyfriend are dead ends. Both are losers. You are one too, but the good news is that if you get these losers out of your life and start renovating yours then there is much hope for you. Hey I bet screwing two guys for two years really made you feel sexy, loved, valued, right!?!


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

sammy3 said:


> Sorry your here .


Thank you for your replies, it helps to know people are willing to listen and willing to give honest advice.


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

Vega said:


> Umm...but you _are_ lying and you _are_ cheating and yes, what you're doing *is* immoral. You don't get to say that you're not a liar, and yet _continue_ to lie. I'm sure that you can see the obvious absurdity in that.
> 
> I agree that you probably shouldn't be with either man and that you may have some self-exploration to do.
> 
> ...


sounded like he slapped her a bit, battered sounds a bit too extreme, unless she wishes to clarify. SOunds like he was way to young and they grew up together. She resents him for being a dumb boy that she trusted and tried to love as a man. It also sounds like he is growing up and has turned the corner and this is why she is starting to second guess. She loved him and knows him to be a good dad, and he loves her, and she knows this. She has post adulthood, motherhood become terribly selfish and immoral and at this point after cuckolding her H for 2 whole years while f&&king another man, she is realizing and apparently growing up as well IMO. I do think dumping the POS affair partner is a must. He is a POS. You need to realize this man is tearing a family apart, hurting a child, and fuc**ng a married woman for 2 years. This means regardless of your H, your lover is not a moral partner. You need someone better for you and your child.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

nogutsnoglory said:


> sounded like he slapped her a bit, battered sounds a bit too extreme, unless she wishes to clarify. SOunds like he was way to young and they grew up together. She resents him for being a dumb boy that she trusted and tried to love as a man. It also sounds like he is growing up and has turned the corner and this is why she is starting to second guess. She loved him and knows him to be a good dad, and he loves her, and she knows this. She has post adulthood, motherhood become terribly selfish and immoral and at this point after cuckolding her H for 2 whole years while f&&king another man, she is realizing and apparently growing up as well IMO. I do think dumping the POS affair partner is a must. He is a POS. You need to realize this man is tearing a family apart, hurting a child, and fuc**ng a married woman for 2 years. This means regardless of your H, your lover is not a moral partner. You need someone better for you and your child.


I do not know if I would consider myself battered. When we were younger the abuse was quite extreme. There were times that he would physically punch me causing black eyes, bloody nose, bruises. One occasion he ripped a large piece of my hair out and kicked me several times. He has slapped me across the face, punched out windshields, broke numerous items in the house. At this time in my life I felt I could not live without him, I honestly think that I was brainwashed. He would always say that I would never find someone like him. And he was cheating often and I always felt very negatively about myself and felt that maybe he was right. Another thing that I think really impacted my feelings about myself is that he attempted to cheat on me with two different friends. My friends told me about it and he eventually admitted it, but after that I often would avoid bringing friends over. I also did not want to leave the house for long periods of time too often because I feared that I would come home and he would be drinking. I often did not want him to go places for this same reason. 

These types of situations became fewer and further between, but they have not completely went away. Within the last couple of years there have been many fights that become violent, but not where I am physically being abused. Things are being thrown at me, voices are raised, threats occur and all of the rationalization in the world does not end it, until he is ready. He will eventually snap out of it and apologize profusely. At these times I can agree with everything he says and then it would turn to "do not just ****ing agree with me" or "oh now your going to ****ing say I am right, after I am mad" etc..

I have always felt very weak when the fighting would end because I do truly feel like he is a good guy. Between the big blowups we get along well. We do not argue and bicker or fight on a consistent basis. I am not sure if this is because I have often internalized many of my true thoughts and feelings to avoid an argument or if we really can just get a long good. He is a good father, as far as he takes our son to all of his sports, is involved in his sports, makes it to every game, goes to doctor appointments, financially provides for him, etc. I cannot say that he is a good father when it comes to the things that my son has witnessed and the aftermath of the abuse. He has always been very supportive of me as far as getting an education and following my dreams. He has always been a very helpful man to my family. For example he would always be willing to mow my grannys lawn, or help my mom fix her car, or shovel the snow etc..

One of the biggest things that I am starting to realize is the resentment that I hold. After these abusive fights he would always be quick to want to be affectionate and loving. I was always pretty disgusted and repulsed, but would go along with it because of course I did not want to start another argument. This led to the point of me actually cringing when affection was initiated. There have honestly been times that I have cried while having sex with him. There have been times that it almost felt violating, but because I never had gotten to the point that I felt that life would go on without him I would just deal with it.

I know that I am wrong for cheating. I know that I am wrong for taking two years away from his life, the other man's life and my own life. I know that two wrongs do not make a right. I understand the hurt it causes everyone involved. At the time it was occurring I will admit I did not feel guilty. I did not feel guilty one bit, but I now am overridden with guilt. Now that I see the man my H is trying to be to me now I feel it is wrong that I continue working on things with him while also carrying on a semi relationship with another man. 

I do believe at this point I do need to focus on myself, yes that sounds horrible considering how selfish I must sound, but I mean focus on getting to know myself, allowing myself time to heal and time to find who I am, what I want and what I need. This is a very difficult thing for me to do because my feelings for each person are in the way of me actually being able to let go. I know I need to let the other man go, but it is so hard. I feel like I have love for him and I feel close to him sexually which is difficult. I know I need to let my H go as well if I am not a hundred percent committed to working on us. The problem that I have is I am so scared to completely lose him.


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## davecarter (Aug 15, 2013)

BREATHE - sent you a private-message if you got it?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

BREATHE, being on an infidelity site you will probably get quite a pounding but you are taking it well!

I'm not a psychologist but you may have a condition called 'battered wife syndrome'. Being bashed like you were at such a tender age, barely out of high school will have left you with deep psychological scars. I shuddered when you mentioned all the sleepless nights with your heart pounding because your H was angry. It is so sad. 

You need to do 2 things. 
Get yourself into some heavy duty counselling ASAP. You can't fix this by yourself having been bashed and treated like that from such an early age. 
Get yourself away from both these men ASAP. Neither are good for you and deep down you know that. Stop seeing or communicating with your husband. Only do so by text (short ones) when you have to make arrangements. 

You found the courage to leave and you needed the help of the police to do so which was EXTREMELY brave. Find that courage again. If you don't, you will remain exactly as you are now. You owe yourself more than that and the only person who can rescue you is you.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

davecarter said:


> BREATHE - sent you a private-message if you got it?


I did and I do appreciate it, because I really was considering deleting the whole post for a while there. I did not know if I could respond as it said, do not reply. Still trying to figure out how to use this site...


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Breathe,

Two things are going on here. Some people believe that you are being brave. I am one who thinks that is utter CRAP!

If I had read your story and you were leaving your husband because he was beating you and there was no affair involved, I would agree with people who thought you were being brave.

That is not the case now though is it? You did not post in the Battered Wives section. You posted in the Infidelity section because you are having an affair and you want to be a cake eater. You would like to gather sympathy from a bunch of people and have them tell you how hard your life has been, how awful your husband is and how you deserve to be safe and happy and that your life with the OM will set you free to follow your hearts content. That is the uttermost form of cowardice. You may very well come out of this whole mess with YOUR very son HATING you because YOU broke up the family, moved out to be with the many you are having an AFFAIR with.

I am not telling you this from the eyes of an adult, but how your son can and may very well perceive this now and in the future.

Your husband encourages you to follow your dreams, helps your family, and supports your son in all his endeavors. 

The crux of your whole marriage is your fighting... When you fight, it sounds like it is a Battle Royal. You describe his temper, but it sounds like from your omissions that your temper is probably near as bad as his or at least you yell a lot too at least at times.

So the dilemma is what to do about the fighting... Have you sought counseling? Have you talked to your husband? Have you given him an ultimatum? Did you just decide that it would be easier to cheat on your husband, start an affair and exit your marriage so you could be happy?

I'm betting it was the last and only the last. Like I said before, you may not be able to make it work with your husband, but the fault is not his, it is yours. You will own it for the rest of your life if you continue down this path and your son may grow to hate you for it.

When you invited the OM into your marriage, you poisoned your marriage as much as your husband ever did and your son will be affected by both you and your husband's behavior.

You pointed out that your husband may not be a good father because of what he saw with your husband's anger... What kind of mother are you? You are having an affair and ruining your family. I'd say you aren't a good mother at all! You don't give a damn about your son now. It's all about you and your AP. The sad me me me me me me crap is just so you don't feel guilty about what you are doing. That is what cheaters do.

You have a few things to deal with here.

1. The OM... He is a POS! He was F**@ing a married woman! That makes him a POS! There is no other way to see this. He has acts out of moral turpitude. He is not a good guy. If you were having issues with your husband and you were coming on to him, he should have said, 'I'm sorry to here that, you need to talk to your husband about it, or maybe see a counselor...' That is not what he did. He got in your pants.

2. Your Husband... He sounds like he has mellowed. He sounds like he is a decent guy except for one thing, the fighting... You don't think your marriage is over because of the fighting do you? You think it is over because you have given yourself to the man you are having an affair with. The reason you may have wanted to start an affair was because of your husband's anger, but you could have dealt with that in many other ways.

This is what needs to be dealt with first. You cannot deal HONESTLY with your husband while the OM is around. ANYONE telling you differently is just full of crap! What do you think your nana is going to say when she finds out you were having an affair and left. Your husband has been cutting her grass out of kindness and love.

You owe it to your son, your husband, and yourself to deal with your marriage before you decide to deal with the rest of your life! This other guy.... He is a total loser! I cannot stress that enough!

Can your marriage be save? I don't know. There is no way it can with the POS OM around. That will be on you. You will carry those consequences around with you for the rest of your life unless you deal with your issues fairly and openly.

You are a LIAR. You are a CHEATER. You are a MANIPULATOR. You do not have to be. You can stop now. You can take some time to sort out what you need to do for you for the rest of your life. You have the time now in your own apartment.

So your apartment... Your husband does not know where it is, but I damn sure bet the OM does so he can FvCK you there... This isn't one of those movies where you just left and stayed in an apartment and only took your toiletries.... You have other clothes at the apartment. You or your FvCK-buddy brought them.

Everything I wrote is fairly brutal, fairly crass, and full of blunt honesty. It would be a totally different thing if you were leaving your husband because of the abuse, but that is not really it is it. You are leaving because you have an affair partner that is just great! What a great guy. He cleans the garage, takes the kid to school, and fvcks married women. 2/3 ain't bad....

If your husband is broken, he may know it. He probably does but doesn't know how to get help. Maybe he doesn't want to get help. Maybe you don't want to help him so you can go along with your own little fvck buddy. Maybe your husband is a better man than you are a woman. 

It's easy to get sympathy when you are the only one telling your version of the story. You point out how bad your husband is, but never once discuss how you may have faults and were not the perfect wife... 

Toss the OM...
Look at yourself honestly...
Look at your husband...
Deal with him honestly and fairly...
Decide what you are going to do...

If you don't toss the OM before you deal with the rest, then you will really have a lot to bear in the future and you may think you are a good person and you don't lie and you aren't immoral, and etc... but that would just be a lie wouldn't it?

It is so much easier to cheat and escape than to do the right thing sometimes, but you are strong enough to do the right thing. You will have lots of support here and other places. DO NOT MISTAKE sympathy with support. Sympathy is this case is just to help you ease your guilty conscience...

Yes, you did not have it easy. Yes your life is not perfect. Yes this is tough and you have made mistakes. We all have made mistakes sister. Be the great woman you were destined to be and do the right things now and not the easy ones. The rewards for doing the right things are much better!

I'm not sorry for being harsh on you because I think you need it. You have been dealing with a bad situation by behaving badly. Don't even factor in his bad things into your decisions. Take all that he has done away and where does that leave you? You would be a lying, manipulative, adulteress who is ruining the lives of her husband and child. Now factor them back in, where does that leave you? You would be a lying, manipulative, adulteress who is ruining the lives of her husband and child.

Your affair cannot be justified. Your actions can be understood but not justified. You are better than that. You were meant for far better things! God made you to be his perfect beautiful angel and don't forget that. Are you doing what you were meant to be doing? It is always darkest before the day, but it's hard to see when you have the cloud of stench around you. Get the OM gone!


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Breathe,
> 
> Two things are going on here. Some people believe that you are being brave. I am one who thinks that is utter CRAP!
> 
> ...


I can take criticism and I understand what I am doing and have done is not right, I never claimed it was. I respect your honesty and I came to this site looking for answers and strength. I was never trying to address the situation in a way to seek sympathy, I was trying to address it in a way of how did I end up here...how did I become this person, who does these things. I can even agree with some of what you said and have said it myself, what I am doing and have done is worse than what he has ever done to me. I know this, which is why I question why I continue to do it. I question why it is so hard to leave the OM and why it is so easy to just continue on; knowing how wrong it is to all involved. That is why I am here. I am not here seeking sympathy and I really was never trying to say that what I do or did is okay because of abuse, I was simply giving background about the relationship with my H. I will and have never claimed to be perfect, and I do not expect any relationship to be perfect, I play a part in the arguments to a degree, but I guarantee that I do not and have not ever been asked to be abused or been abusive to him. To be honest, many times I did absolutely NOTHING to provoke, start, engage or be involved in an argument. And I am pretty sure that it does not take a rocket scientist for my H to figure out we had, have relationship problems. Of course they have been brought up every time after an argument ensues and a promise of changing and counseling and loving me also follows, it follows but that does not mean it has ever been followed through with. I have obviously given many opportunities for our relationship to work. We have been together 14 years so for 12 of them I did everything I thought I could possibly do to keep our family and our relationship together. I am not saying that this gives me free reign to go out and have and affair or be intimate with someone else, but ultimately that is where it led. It lead there because I am weak. I was too weak to leave before it got to that point, I was too weak to stick with my decision when he would apologize, I was too weak to believe that I could make it on my own, without him. And I am still too weak now to stick with my decision..

One place that I will draw the line is discussions about my child. I do not and have not ever had him around, near or involved in my relationship with the OM. I obviously do not talk to or see the OM while my son is with me. I do not and have never put the OM before him and I am a very good mother to him. I have always put him first and will continue to do so. I have had very open discussions with him about my relationship with his dad, as I should. I do not ever have negative things to say about his dad to him and I often stick up for his dad when he has a negative view of him. There are many instances that he has been a witness of his father's behaviors, and that is the only time I would ever consider myself a bad mother, for not leaving and getting him out of the situation sooner.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

What if your husband had the affair instead of you?

How would you feel?

You will not find the grass greener with the OM.

Let your husband go, divorce him. He deserves to find someone that will love and cherish him. 

He will never get over the pain of your cheating. When you rip out the heart and throw it into the fire, you can not fix the pain and start the heart again. 

Tell him that you want him to someday have a decent life. Let him go find someone else. You do not love him, how could you when you are selfish and think of yourself and not your child.

This will have an impact on your child. Help your child by finding someone that will not cheat with a married woman.

Do not marry the OM and live in the land of unicorns. It will not work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Breathe31,

Can you please clarify? Are you living with your husband? If not how long have you two been separated?

My take on this is that this is not a contest between two men. Dump them both. Choose yourself.

Your husband is most likely being nice to you to get you back. Once you are back things will return to the way they were before. I've been through this. If he has not had years of therapy to work through his issues, he's still the person you did not want to be with.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Breathe31,
> 
> Can you please clarify? Are you living with your husband? If not how long have you two been separated?
> 
> ...


I am not living with my husband. We separated about 8 moths ago. I moved out, but I moved out long after I started the affair. I told myself that I was not moving out because of the OM, but because I wanted to find myself and learn how to get through some of the resentment I have toward him and some of the negative feelings I have toward myself. Now I questioned what my motives are for all of it. I do not know, I am so lost with myself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BREATHE31 said:


> I am not living with my husband. We separated about 8 moths ago. I moved out, but I moved out long after I started the affair. I told myself that I was not moving out because of the OM, but because I wanted to find myself and learn how to get through some of the resentment I have toward him and some of the negative feelings I have toward myself. Now I questioned what my motives are for all of it. I do not know, I am so lost with myself.


I hope you realize that any man who physically abuses his wife (or any woman) is not work the air he breaths. (This goes for women who are physically abusive as well.

Please give serious consideration to ending it with both of these men and concentrate on yourself. Find a facility that helps victims of abuse and get counseling. Fees are usually sliding scale.

Get your children in counseling with them as well as they have seen/heard a lot that a child should not be exposed to.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

BREATHE31 said:


> I am not living with my husband. We separated about 8 moths ago. I moved out,........ I do not know, I am so lost with myself.


There's the crux of this for me 'lost'

You will not get your self sorted out until you find yourself until you know yourself in an honest and proper way 

You need to be on your own not around a man a husband who you have lived in fear of your life with 

That's one thing I am curious though - why you undergo such trauma about this? It's easier to just be alone surely. 

Just leave them all. Be on your own until you know yourself


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Everyone knows cheating is wrong.

A child will have far fewer nightmares over a parent's infidelity than they will over witnessing or seeing the aftermath of physical battery. Trust me. 

And for the record, slapping is battery. What is it going to take for some to wake up and smell the coffee?

Even if the husband isn't laying a hand on her now, her psyche bears the scars of all of the abuse he heaped on her earlier.

Frankly, if I were interested in marrying again, I would consider a man who had cheated in a previous relationship over a wife-beater. They just don't get any lower.

The OP needs to dump them both and learn to live on her own for the first time in her life. Time to grow up.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Everyone knows cheating is wrong.
> 
> A child will have far fewer nightmares over a parent's infidelity than they will over witnessing or seeing the aftermath of physical battery. Trust me.
> 
> ...


I agree...I know this is what I need, it is just really hard. I know that I am very co-dependent. I have to get past this hump so I can learn and grow. I have such a hard time moving on.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Breathe, don't beat yourself up over the past. You can only ever move forward in life.

I know some women suffer worse violence than you have, but I don't think what happened to you is trivial. Yes you are wrong to have the affair, you need to sort that out, but don't be too hard on yourself. You can see the things you need to fix in your life. Just start fixing them.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

BREATHE31 said:


> I agree...I know this is what I need, it is just really hard. I know that I am very co-dependent. I have to get past this hump so I can learn and grow. I have such a hard time moving on.


Living with indecision can be extremely stressful and that will ease once you make a choice.Making hard decisions can also be empowering.Just an opinion and I wish you well.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

TBT said:


> Living with indecision can be extremely stressful and that will ease once you make a choice.Making hard decisions can also be empowering.Just an opinion and I wish you well.


QFT. Also living in a conflicted state where you are doing things you know are not right takes it's toll. As you sort things out that will get better too.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BREATHE31 said:


> One place that I will draw the line is discussions about my child. I do not and have not ever had him around, near or involved in my relationship with the OM. I obviously do not talk to or see the OM while my son is with me. I do not and have never put the OM before him and I am a very good mother to him. I have always put him first and will continue to do so. I have had very open discussions with him about my relationship with his dad, as I should. I do not ever have negative things to say about his dad to him and I often stick up for his dad when he has a negative view of him. There are many instances that he has been a witness of his father's behaviors, and that is the only time I would ever consider myself a bad mother, for not leaving and getting him out of the situation sooner.


You have very honest discussions with your son? 

You told him how you've been screwing another man what is not his father?
You told him how you were having an affair with another man while still married to your husband and sharing your husband's bed?
You told your son how it is OK to have an affair on a his father because he was abusive to you?
You told him too wrongs don't make a right, unless one of the wrongs is banging another man, then they actually do make a right. They make you feel alright!
You told him, it's ok to be married to the man that gave your son life and DNA and to have your own apartment where you can fvck the other man?
You have been honest with him? I really don't think you have.

You have let him see the parts that you would like him to see. You have let him see how his father was abusive. You have shown yourself as an angel to your son. You have shown yourself as the great woman and nurturer, the poor abused woman who did nothing wrong.... except of course, commit adultery, fvck another man while being married, start an affair and seduce a POS, deceive the very man you swore to love, honor, and obey and hide the reality from her son and father. You did a fair amount of really doing some damage on the last 6 Commandments, but you've been 'HONEST' with your son...

That is CRAP! You have painted a picture for your son that only shows you in a good light and your husband in a bad one. You were nice and took up for your husband... I don't believe that at all. I believe you really are manipulating him. I know from you hiding certain truths and showing him others that yes you are definitely manipulating him.

I damn well bet that you never let the OM see your son or you never talk about the OM around your son because you don't want your son to know what a 'fill in the blank' you have been by screwing another man while married. You could NOT BEAR to have your son's image of you soiled by the TRUTH you so carefully hide from him... Vertias, quid est veritas.... Verisimilitude... more likely. You want to be done with your marriage and then present the OM as some new stranger that you just recently met 'AFTER YOU WERE DIVORCED OF COURSE'... You are living in some reality that is not the same as the one that is occurring on Earth.

I'm telling you about your son, because you have constructed this very nice and well manage web of lies. One day your son will figure it out and he WILL NOT see you as the sweet angel you pretend to be. He will see you for the truth in total. He will know you to be a liar and adulterer and his image of you will be shattered... (My oldest son is an example of this so you know. He resents/hates his mother... hate is a strong word but so is his anger for her)

******

I detest wife beaters. I really do. I hate people who pick on those weaker. I would beat the living tar out of a man if I ever saw him strike a woman. You deciding if you can be with your husband after the abuse is your decision. People can change, but they have to want to and they have to work very hard all the time. It may be too late for you two but that is your decision. This illusion of potential happiness with OM is an illusion. It will fade as reality shifts. You need to deal with your husband. You need to deal with him and your marriage and deal with it without the OM's presence.

You never denied that the OM is fvcking you in your apartment...
You enjoying it? Make fun and talk bad about your husband to your lover while you are doing it? Your husband takes your son to his games and you are fvcking the OM and calling yourself a good mom while this is going on?

*****

How did you get HERE? You are a cheater. You aren't an abused woman. You are a cheater who betrayed her husband. That is why you are posting on CWI. There is no other reason.

How did you start cheating? You were unhappy with your life. You had a MLC. You looked at your husband with no respect and you decided you had enough so you started and affair. Was it deserved that he lost your respect? Whatever that answer is, is irrelevant. You felt lonely and abandoned in your own marriage. You don't feel afraid anymore but resentful. You thought about leaving because of your bitterness so you wanted a way out. You seduced a POS OM and started an affair. You wanted to have a man as a backup for when you split with your husband. If you were desperate to get out, you would have grabbed your son and slept on a friends floor if need be but that's not what happened. You set yourself up in an apartment where you could screw the OM and get away from your abusive husband... You can pretend to be a good mom and pretend what you are doing isn't really happening and that you are justified in having an affair. You are convincing yourself that it is OK to do bad things to people you love because you are NOT happy. So you decided that your SELFISH HAPPINESS was more important than anything else in the world, including your son. So you PLANNED an exit. You planned it with the OM. You set yourself up to have it all. You can have sex with the new guy and PRETEND to be a great mom to your son. You have your husband by the balls because you can always call the cops on him like you did when you moved out. You can make sure he never goes near you and you can screw the OM any time you want except when your son is around. You have to pretend to be a good mom then! You set up your own reality. That is how you got here. This is not a battered wife forum. This is a forum about CHEATERS and you posted here. You chose to do that... and you DO want sympathy. You want us all to look at your awful story and have people give you justification that because of your rough past that what you are doing now is justified... 'It's ok honey. Your husband was horrible. You deserve to be happy! Go screw this new guy! Look you've got a new apartment to do it in. Try some new positions! It'll be fun.'

*****

There is no justification for cheating.

You absolutely have every right to divorce your husband if in your heart you believe that he is truly abusive, truly not remorseful and your marriage is damaged beyond repair. You never tried to repair your marriage though so you can't justify that can you?

You took the easy way out because you were lonely, bitter, and afraid. You had an affair. I guess your life isn't going like you expected it to be or you wouldn't be posting here.

******

Sister, you have had it tough you really have. You are however going down the wrong path in dealing with it. Look at what you have become and look at the damage that you may do to your son in the future as the careful web of lies that you have built begins to unravel.

Take the road less traveled. Do the hard work. Find out who you are. You are kidding yourself by saying you are moral. You are cheating on your husband and lying to your own son.

Be by yourself for a while, a few months at least. Get counseling and BE HONEST... Don't weave your half truth lies to the counselor. Be brutally honest about yourself and if they justify your affair, find another one because the one you have would be awful.

You were in a bad position... you did bad things to put yourself in a better position but you are still in a bad position... Do good things to put yourself in a good position and then cut out the bad things from your life that you need to. When you do that, then you will have an outlook on life that you should have and you will be able to see things from a new perspective. You can focus on being the person you make yourself out to be and actually become that good person. 

Or you can just keep spinning your web of lies and bring more pain and misery or yourself.... You would NOT be here if you were happy with what you are doing. God bless you sister and do the right things. Clear the clutter then deal with your life!


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> You have very honest discussions with your son?
> 
> You told him how you've been screwing another man what is not his father?
> You told him how you were having an affair with another man while still married to your husband and sharing your husband's bed?
> ...


I hate to say this, but I think you are even more pathetic than me.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The only thing that is stopping you from standing on your own, without your BH or your OM, is fear. You are afraid so you would rather hedge all of your bets. You can live with this fear for the rest of your life, but that will mean a life of continued drama in which you will probably continue to make bad decisions.

If you put on your big girl panties and do what so many millions of adult women do these days, you will see that taking care of yourself builds self-esteem and is nothing to be afraid of.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BREATHE31 said:


> I hate to say this, but I think you are even more pathetic than me.


Because.... ???

What did I say that is untrue? 

If you came here and told us all that your husband is abusive and you had to get out now it would be totally different.

That is NOT what happened. You started an affair and left your husband. You are screwing the OM in your own little apartment where you can have your little fantasy world...

I know you don't like what I wrote, but please correct me where I am wrong.

1. You are still seeing the OM aren't you?
2. He fvcks you in your apartment doesn't he?
3. You've not been honest with your son have you?
4. You planned your exit affair didn't you?
5. The OM helped you move and get into your apartment in some way didn't he?
6. You had clothes in your apartment or had a plan to get all new clothes and the whole 'I left with just toiletries' was an exaggeration to play on heartstrings wasn't it?
7. You are here because you are a cheater aren't you?
8. You haven't dealt with you marriage have you?
9. Instead of dealing with your marriage, you decided to cheat and break away didn't you?
10. You don't go to all of your son's games and in fact during some of those games where you know your husband will be, you rendezvous with the OM don't you?
11. Your life isn't what you thought it would be now is it? The life with the apartment and OM is not exactly what you thought it would be is it?

So if I'm so pathetic, please tell me where I am wrong because I would really like to know how I got so confused on this.

And Puhhhhhleaassssseeeeeeee.... You are ALL ABOUT THE PITY ME and Sympathy.....

What are you doing for YOURSELF?

You seem, wrapped around the OM now. You can't stand on your own? You can't deal with your husband because of the OM. You invited the OM into your marriage...

Your marriage ending stopped being your husband's fault the minute you decided that working on the marriage, or seeing a counselor, or seeking help for a battered wife, (Which you said you were not) was not the way to go. You marriage ending is solely because YOU invited the OM into it and you cannot deal with the marriage with the OM there. It cannot be done! 

You are a cheater. You can try to cast blame as to why you are a cheater, but your husband did not force you against your will to start fvcking the other man and betray your family and son. You chose that.

You will NOT be able to see clearly until the OM is out of the picture. You never mentioned that he is gone. I am assuming you just love him fvcking you in your apartment. That may sound dirty, well because it is. You are married and your husband is trying to save the marriage. He may be a turd, but he is your husband and he and your family deserve to be dealt with fairly and openly. Then you can get back to fvcking the OM who you've been having an affair with while pretending to be super-mom.


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How are you doing Breathe?
I see Alte Dame is posting, she always writes something worth reading. 
Yes, it's hard to take that step for sure. I guess because you married so young, you haven't been on your own since high school and you would have been living at home with your folks before that. Therefore you will never have been truly on your own. 
So yes it will feel scary. But the first few days go by, then another few, suddenly a week has passed and then more weeks and. . . soon you will be on your way. 
Keep posting, it's good for support. Think forward, not back.
I'll post a pic to give you inspiration.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> I hate to say this, but I think you are even more pathetic than me.


So make yourself better, because that is saying something. End the marriage, and end the affair.

Find out what is wrong with you to cheat.

Divorce first. The affair partner is not a catch. After the divorce, and working on yourself in counseling, find someone new that you can love, that does not beat you, that you will not cheat on and unlike the AP, has a job and goes out sometime.

Hopefully find someone that would not cheat with a married woman.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You've visited my page so I know you logged in.

You did not refute any of my questions, so let me ask you: What do you want from here? You will not get justification on having an affair.

You were given great advice, but do you have the courage to do what it takes? I think you do. You just need to take 'a' first step and see where it goes. Good luck to you. God bless.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> The only thing that is stopping you from standing on your own, without your BH or your OM, is fear. You are afraid so you would rather hedge all of your bets. You can live with this fear for the rest of your life, but that will mean a life of continued drama in which you will probably continue to make bad decisions.
> 
> If you put on your big girl panties and do what so many millions of adult women do these days, you will see that taking care of yourself builds self-esteem and is nothing to be afraid of.


I agree, I do think I am scared. I am not sure if I am scared of being on my own or if I am scared to know myself. It is probably a combination of both, but either way, I agree that it is the fear that is stopping me.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

********** said:


> How are you doing Breathe?
> I see Alte Dame is posting, she always writes something worth reading.
> Yes, it's hard to take that step for sure. I guess because you married so young, you haven't been on your own since high school and you would have been living at home with your folks before that. Therefore you will never have been truly on your own.
> So yes it will feel scary. But the first few days go by, then another few, suddenly a week has passed and then more weeks and. . . soon you will be on your way.
> ...


Well I sure like the pic.  and it is true time while pass. I really am looking for support, because I am trying to understand and I am trying to learn and grow. I appreciate the support too, some look at it as sympathy, and I can see how some could maybe misconstrue and maybe I haven't presented in the right way, but I am not looking for anything more than insight and truth.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

harrybrown said:


> So make yourself better, because that is saying something. End the marriage, and end the affair.
> 
> Find out what is wrong with you to cheat.
> 
> ...


This made me smile, because I am so conflicted that I am posted about two different areas in my life and you just twined them together. Thank you


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> You've visited my page so I know you logged in.
> 
> You did not refute any of my questions, so let me ask you: What do you want from here? You will not get justification on having an affair.
> 
> You were given great advice, but do you have the courage to do what it takes? I think you do. You just need to take 'a' first step and see where it goes. Good luck to you. God bless.


I do agree, I was given great advice. I do not want justification for anything, I do not think anything that I did was right, and I do want honest advice and points of view. I did accept those views and honesty to a degree. But you want to act like I should be saying and doing this outlandish things. Did you tell your children that their mother was ****ing the neighbor every chance she had? Did you tell your children that their mother has no ****ing worth? Did you tell your children that their mom was getting ****ed good rather than be with them? I don't know. 

I can answer your questions. And I can take a lot of what you say and it really impacts my view, but some of it I cannot. I read one post that said, "some people are ....but as you heal you will see how it helps" and I took that to heart. I really believed that and still do, but I think you cross the line.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Because.... ???
> 
> What did I say that is untrue?
> 
> ...


1.	You are still seeing the OM aren't you?
I am, kind of. I think I did have more expectations than I should have and I think that I realize now that he is not all that he was (or I thought he was) cracked up to be.
2.	He fvcks you in your apartment doesn't he?
He does not “****” me in my apartment, because he does not come over. Part of this is him, part of this is me. I do not invite him over when I have my son and I do not expect him to come over if it is inconvenient. 
3.	You've not been honest with your son have you?
I have been honest with my son to the point that I think I should be. I do NOT think my 12 year old son needs to know that I ****ED some other guy. I am honest with him about his father’s and my relationship, as far as letting him know that I am ALWAYS available to talk to him about his thoughts, feelings, anger, stress, confusing etc..
4.	You planned your exit affair didn't you?
Exit affair? I planned my exist after I could no longer bear to see the sight of my H. I planned my affair after I was in a place where I was so unhappy that I could no longer pretend that I was.
5.	The OM helped you move and get into your apartment in some way didn't he?
No. I had my apartment in place and paid for it before I told ANYONE, including him. I moved out and was in my apartment and lived here for about a week before I even told my friends. I did tell him about 2 weeks later, and did not even tell him that it had been two weeks. 
6.	You had clothes in your apartment or had a plan to get all new clothes and the whole 'I left with just toiletries' was an exaggeration to play on heartstrings wasn't it?
I did take my clothes and my son’s clothes and hygiene products. I took nothing else from the house. I am not trying to “play on heartstrings,” I am trying to get help. 
7.	You are here because you are a cheater aren't you?
Yes, that is the reason I am here. I am here because I am a cheater and I want to figure out how I let it get as far as it did, knowing that it is not what I planned or ever foreseen.
8.	You haven't dealt with you marriage have you?
No, I haven’t. There is really nothing more to say about this. I have not dealt with my marriage, I disconnected myself from it instead of dealing with it.

9.	Instead of dealing with your marriage, you decided to cheat and break away didn't you?
To a degree, yes. Instead of dealing with it in a more productive way I decided to take the easy way and do what I thought would make me feel better and make me happy. Although, I do feel I tried to deal with it numerous times prior to this. 
10.	You don't go to all of your son's games and in fact during some of those games where you know your husband will be, you rendezvous with the OM don't you?
I honestly have NEVER missed any of my son’s games to be with the OM. My son is very talented and I am very involved. He is on two baseball teams, plays football and plays basketball. He is also often asked to play extra and go to special games with other teams, I have been at all of them and have not missed any. His extra games I take off of work, the regular ones, the only time I have ever missed is if I could not get off in time or if I could not find someone to work.
11.	Your life isn't what you thought it would be now is it? The life with the apartment and OM is not exactly what you thought it would be is it?
Absolutely not. My life is not what I thought it would be at all. It was not what I thought it would be even before I left. My feelings about my H are not what I thought they were and my life with the OM is not what I thought either.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

uff Breath 

you put yourself in a pretty bad situation.

okey let's begin

first read this Thread:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739

is for newbies and have all the terminology as many other information useful to you.

Now OM:

this kind of persons are normally garbage, in most cases are players that target married women, because it means that they don't need to commit, and yes they say all the right words, example if he knows you were abused he will say crap like "I will never dare to lay a hand to hurth you, you are so beautifull you deserve too be cherished and loved bla bla bla". I played that game but just with single women.

Also remember that is easy to focus just in giving you passion when he does not have to be bear all the responsabilities with you, fianacial problems, dayly expenses, family problems, home duties (like your husband do), he just have to focus in telling you how wonderfull you are to take you to bed.

you say that he is not what you expected, that is normal now that you see him like human with a normal daily life and not as a fantasy full of promises and beautiful words, you see him just as your husband he also have human defects.

Now, a relationship with him (if he really wants one, if not he is just a player and the moment you intent something serious like living together he will dissapear form your life) will be always more difficult that one with the father of you child, if he is single he will suddendly become stepfather of a young boy, he will not understand why you prioritise your kid over him, he will have problems understanding there are actions that he is not free to do while your kid is around, he will get annoyed of you not having the freedom he desires, so he really need to be commited to make the relationship works.

Your husband:

people can change, i am not telling you your husband will change but people can change, just as some cheaters can stop cheating, beaters can stop beating.

We have one user here in TAM "FourtyPlus" her husband like yours, when he was drunk he beated her for the first 7 years of their marriage, the he stopped and the last 11 years he have been sober without drop of alcohol, she 5 years ago she had an EA they were about to divorce and right now they are really happy.

I will quote her:
The first 7 years of my marriage my husband was an abusive drunk. I was "totally worthless **** to him", it was okay for him to crash my head into the walls, pour beer onto me and humiliate me infront of his friends at any opportunity. This is what alcohol can do. One day he woke up and he hasn't been drinking a drop of alcohol in almost 10 years. I didn't trust him the first few years, I took it day by day but there was a point where I knew he would never EVER drink again or hit me again. How did I know that? He changed his behavior, he changed his ways, he didn't come home drunk. Day by day by day. 

if you decide for reconcilation you have to read "A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners", that is in the Thread I attached you above.

you have to take your time to look at yourself and what is better for you, maybe staying single for some time to evaluate things is not a bad idea, if you keep meeting the other man it will be difficult to you to take an objetive decission, as right now your brain is full of dopamine which is released by having sexual relationship with a new partner and this make your brain to focus your attention into him.

good luck and carefull with OM you have to doubt the fantasy he is selling you, even if you don't take your husband back.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

You got problems in your marriage 
talk about them, try to address them

still don't work - talk about them, try to address them

still don't work - talk about them, try to address them

still don't work - divorce, accepting it can't be saved and you tried your best 

_____

Now you're single and go and fk who you want

Instead of 

You got problems in your marriage - talk about them, try to address them

still don't work

I'll fall in love with someone else, I'll deceive lie and when my husband finds out he can enjoy being put through the mincer. I'll deceive and lie to my kids and family too

*I'll eat my cake.*

Oh it don't quite work out with OM so I'll "let hubby back in" (that makes him plan b) 
___________

Don't come on here and expect sympathy - you're a cheat and have put your family out to grass whilst you fked around. Why should you get sympathy for that. I wonder if you'd feel the same had you been cheated on?!

Sure you had problems but your answer was to destroy everything. You have big issues that need addressing but trying in measures to defend your actions on here will not get you many hoorays. 

You have to *look at yourself* - blame nobody else 

You had *CHOICES and CHOSE* to cheat

Once you get that into your head then maybe you might move towards understanding you and yourself and why you did / do what you do and only then you might be able to counter that behaviour in the future 

If you don't deal with it then you'll just fk up yours and everybody else's life permanently


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> I just do not know where to turn. *I feel more guilty now than I ever have. I feel selfish and wrong.* I feel all of this is unfair for everyone involved, yet I cannot muster up the courage to end either relationship completely or even be completely honest with either. This is not who I am, I am not a liar and a cheater and an immoral person, *although this is who I have become.*.


BREATHE31. 
You have had a pretty rough time having met your husband at 16, baby at 19 and enduring the abuse of your husband and his drinking which sounded horrendous. 

There aren't many cheaters who come here for advice. You however did. You already took the first step by posting on here and staying on it when you got yelled at which was bound to happen. Cheaters aren't very popular on TAM! 
Well done for staying. You have already taken Step 1.

Step 2. 
If I were you, I would see this as ending the lies and deceit in your life immediately. There is no reason to delay it. It would mean telling OM you no longer wish to see him and that you do not want to have any more contact with him. It's called NC on here. *It must be a clean break, no going back.* You must resist the urge to call him up if you feel lonely because there will be an adjustment period. You will need to distract yourself by keeping busy. You don't want to have to keep doing Step 2 over and over again. 

How does that sound? Break down what you have to do in little chunks. Once the lies and deceit are gone you can then start to think about what you will do next which will be Step 3. You don't even have to know what Step 3 is yet. Just get Step 2 done. 

That's my opinion for what it's worth.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Breath, first I would like to say that I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. No person, man or woman deserves to suffer abuse. I don't have any sage wisdom to offer you other than to point out that regardless is whether posters are bashing you or posters are somewhat sympathetic to your plight, all seem to have the same advice for you. Rid yourself of both the OM and your husband. Go to counseling to heal yourself. And be the best person you can be for yourself and your son. God bless.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Breathe,

Thank you for the honesty. When cheaters come here, they leave out a lot of little details that hold back from letting people see the whole truth of the matter. Like you have done with your son, you have shown only what you wanted to show and you left out the important little facts. When dealing with your husband BH, this is called trickle truth. You don't come clean at once. You tell just enough so you can get away with not telling the whole truth. Telling the whole truth will set you free.

********** is right. She is also much nicer than I am. The OM so many many many times is NOT what people expected. Cheaters see no faults in them when they are in the throws of an affair. Cheaters also see no good in their spouses.

When you had an affair, you went through this. You saw only good in the OM and bad in your husband. The plain fact of the matter is the OM is a Piece of S***!. He was fvcking a married woman. He has no moral compass. I am glad he can come fvck you when it is 'convenient'... He is STILL fvcking a married woman! The more you are around him now, without your husband as the straw man bad guy, the more you will see him for what he truly is. You probably ended up here because you started seeing this for yourself.

Do you see yourself as moral still? Are you the example you want to set for your son? You ACT as if two wrongs make a right, or did you finally realize that what you are doing with the OM is not right?

You have got to deal with your issues. The OM has to go. The NC, No Contact letter needs to be written and you need to do it or you will just end up dependent on him in a form of emotional bonding that is bad on all counts.

If you do NOT get rid of the OM, you have a very bad chance of ruining the relationship with your son maybe forever. You can read the stories of children here whose parent cheated and how it affected them. Things will not turn out like you hoped.

Separate yourself from the OM. Seek counseling. This is the hard part, the heavy lifting starts here. Sometimes the freedom of being alone can give you a wonderful perspective on the world. Embrace it.

You did plan an exit affair by the way... You started an affair with the OM as a way to get out of your marriage. You went after him so he could be your white knight and rescue you from your unhappiness. His horse is a donkey and his shining armor is aluminum foil. You wanted to escape so you created your way to escape.

When you dig yourself in a hole, the first thing you need to do is stop digging and look up. Stop digging. The OM is burying you. Get your bearings. Write down who you want to be for the rest of your life and start working on that. You have been given good advice here so what you need to do next is stop asking why? You've been told why. Now you have to make a decision on what you are going to do and act. It is OK to be afraid, but you need to act.

The more honest you are and the more you are willing to work on yourself, the more advice you will get here that will help you along your way. You have to do the work. We can't change anyone. You have to do that yourself. Change your circumstances and you will start to see things in a much better light.

I was brutal on you and I meant to be. People get notions in their head about their own personal reality that don't jive with the real world. They don't see the unintended consequences of their actions. Just because I am brutal on you doesn't mean I don't wish you well. Decide who you want to be and take action. Good luck to you and God Bless!


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

BREATHE31 said:


> I do agree, I was given great advice. I do not want justification for anything, I do not think anything that I did was right, and I do want honest advice and points of view. I did accept those views and honesty to a degree. But you want to act like I should be saying and doing this outlandish things. Did you tell your children that their mother was ****ing the neighbor every chance she had? Did you tell your children that their mother has no ****ing worth? Did you tell your children that their mom was getting ****ed good rather than be with them? I don't know.
> 
> I can answer your questions. And I can take a lot of what you say and it really impacts my view, but some of it I cannot. I read one post that said, "some people are ....but as you heal you will see how it helps" and I took that to heart. I really believed that and still do, but I think you cross the line.


I asked you to answer my questions so I will answer yours...

I did tell my three boys, their mom was having an affair...

1. I told my oldest when their mother took the three boys over to the neighbor's house and was having them sleep over. The neighbor had helped my wife have the affair. I was really broken at this time and the thought of me not being able to be with my kids tore me apart. This was a month after Dday.

2. I told my middle son 5 months laters. I was taking my older two to practice and she was in the neighbor's yard playing bean bags and drinking with the OM.

3. I told the youngest when my EX stole 10,000$ from me.

4. My EX was fvcking the neighbor on my left, now she is with the neighbor on my right. I didn't need to tell the boys. It was so in their face. My oldest overheard her say things he never should have and I started taking them to counseling. I moved out of the only house my kids had known to get away from it.

The point I was making isn't that you should tell your son those things, but you are not being honest with him or with yourself. You didn't leave because he was beating you. You left because you were having an affair. You are leaving your son to believe that your husband is bad by his abuse but you are good and that you did no wrong. You DID WRONG! The view your son has is not based on truth and when he finds out the truth, you may receive some backlash that you never were prepared for. He will find out the truth. You need to be prepared for that. Expect that it will happen otherwise you are kidding yourself. 

You painted an escape and a reality not based on truth and when the web you have woven starts to unravel, it could devastate you. The best way to mitigate that is to be honest with yourself and see things as they really are objectively.

Your husband is not as bad as you see him.
The OM is not as good as you see him.

(There is no excuse for abuse. Don't get me wrong.)


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

One last thing...

You were looking for justification/sympathy. If you weren't, you would never had mentioned that your husband was abusive. You would have instead just gone into your actions. The way you wrote it was, my husband was a cheater and abused me, so I started and affair and left him. Be honest with yourself.

Get the clutter out of your life. You are starting on the right path, now take your first step.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Question

Would you accept your son being with a woman that has made the choices you gave made?

In other words, think back on the past week. How many things have you done in just that past week that you would validly use to reject a girl with your son when he is older?

You say you want truth etc.

My advise is to start choosing to act like you would want your future daughter in law to act toward you son.

Being truthful to everyone is the first step. 

Tell your husband that you have been having a affair starting before you separated. This will help both of you by both of you knowing the same truth to work from.

Since you are still dating you affair partner, you clearly are choosing him over your husband and marriage and family.

Ok, that's your choice to make.

So be honest with your husband, tell him you have deceived him and left him for your lover, and that you will give him a fair divorce.

You should offer at least 50% custody to your husband! and you should accept no support from him. After all you are the one who abandoned him for the OM, why should he pay your upkeep so that you can be with the man you *****ed your marriage for? 

Don't turn your don against his father.

Start living life making choices that would make you worthy of you own son, because one day he will have a wife and it would be a tragedy if he hooked up with a girl like mom of today is. So turn it around, and live an honest life so that when your son is dating he looks for a woman who will love him instead of cheating on him.

Also, don't ever introduce your OM into your sons life. Even if you stay with him. It's bad enough that this OM has cost your son his family, don't humiliate and hurt your son by forcing him to be around the POSOM that helped take destroy his family and childhood.


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## BREATHE31 (Aug 31, 2013)

I have been looking around on the site reading various posts and replies and trying to really comes to terms with the reality of this awful situation I caused. It helped a lot just to get it out and say it, but even more importantly it really provided me with an honest objective look at myself and my choices and my life in general. I thank everyone for that, including you. 

I have taken my first step and that is to end the relationship with the OM. I was very honest in doing so as well, which I am proud of. I was honest about my marriage throughout our entire affair, but I was not so honest about the extent of my husband and my relationship after I moved out. I was completely honest while ending it and I felt such relief. I felt relief for myself, but I also felt relief for him, he deserves to have a woman that he can grow and establish a true relationship with, and at this time in my life, that is not me. 

I have not told my H, yet. I do plan on doing so as I know that I can not live with this forever, regardless of where him and I end up in our relationship or our lives. I am very nervous to tell him for the obvious reasons of shame and guilt, but I also am very nervous about his reaction. He continues to want to work on our marriage, and I know that it is not fair for him to be making this choice without all of the facts, the difficult part is that even with all of the facts, I do not know if I even have the desire to work it out. But, I do know that I will not know this until everything is in the open and on the table. I do love him, and I ultimately want him to be happy, I just have to feel happy with myself before I have anything to offer him or anyone else.

I plan to continue posting and reading and searching for strength and encouragement and honesty from others. I want to thank you for checking in and let you know that one day, I will be able to say that I am proud of the person that I am...


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

you have took the more mature and human choice (well taking in consideration that you enter in an affair) the road will not be easy but to reach a true reconcilation there is no other option but total transparency and not third parts involved.

Is true maybe your relationship will not work in the en but at least with your honesty you will help your husband to take a desicession with solid foundations.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You are confused. Bedding your om and husband at the same time will not resolve your confusion. 

Do something honest with yourself. Get divorced and let your h go. 

Get rid of om that is a relationship destined to go no where. 

Spend sometime on yourself 

If you keep making the same life decisions then you can expect the same life outcomes. 

Just to be clear. Continuing to do the same thing may feel like you are not making a decision, limbo as some call it, but that is a decision. 

You have choices every day. Even if you choose to waste the day or delay a decision ( both actions are choices)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

BREATHE31 said:


> I have been looking around on the site reading various posts and replies and trying to really comes to terms with the reality of this awful situation I caused. It helped a lot just to get it out and say it, but even more importantly it really provided me with an honest objective look at myself and my choices and my life in general. I thank everyone for that, including you.
> 
> I have taken my first step and that is to end the relationship with the OM. I was very honest in doing so as well, which I am proud of. I was honest about my marriage throughout our entire affair, but I was not so honest about the extent of my husband and my relationship after I moved out. I was completely honest while ending it and I felt such relief. I felt relief for myself, but I also felt relief for him, he deserves to have a woman that he can grow and establish a true relationship with, and at this time in my life, that is not me.
> 
> ...


My wife's story is similar to yours. The abuse the cheating "on her side". The only thing I can really contribute it to not make the same mistake she did. She bounce around from man to man seeking emotional stability and support that she wasn't getting from her H. The smartest thing she did was get rid of him. If you stay with your Current H you will be trapped in that fear and past abuse. Men like your H relapse all the time. It is control not love. The best thing for you do to right now IMHO is to separate from your H. A real legal separation. You need to get some counseling because what he did to you never goes away. The scars will be there and will taint everything you do. I am glad that you realized that the OM was a toxic relationship. So what should you do now? nothing. Get some counseling don't go back to your H unless he gets counseling and anger management. Look both of you ruined this marriage. If you want to fix it your both going to have to face the demons of your past. He has a lot to apologize for. So do you. The worst thing you can do right now is get back into any relationship until you have sorted out what you are looking for.


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

Breathe,

For what it is worth, I am very proud of you. I think you are doing a wonderful job. Sometimes it is so difficult to do the right things because they are far harder to do than the easy things. You should be very proud of yourself. You may be afraid but you are progressing well.

Doesn't it feel good to unburden yourself from this tangled web? The more you step away from it and the freer you are, the more you will start to really enjoy your life. You will see who you were meant to be. God isn't finished with you yet sister. You are a work in progress and I think you are really starting to take shape. Good for you for coming here. That had to be tough. I wish you all the best.


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

BREATHE31 said:


> I was completely honest while ending it and I felt such relief. I felt relief for myself, but I also felt relief for him, he deserves to have a woman that he can grow and establish a true relationship with, and at this time in my life, that is not me.


There is a little re-writing of history here. There is still some 'pity me' crap going on here, so stop that.

Your husband may not want a different woman that he can grow and establish a true relationship with. He may want the old broken cheater he married, well simply because he loves her.
Men can be stubborn azzes like that sometimes. It seems you both needed to grow. He needs to get control of his anger and you need to realize that though sometimes life is not perfect, it might actually be OK.

If you just ended it with the OM, you will not be OK mentally to deal with your husband for some time. Give him some time. Give your self some time. See if he has grown or changed at all. Is he becoming the man he was meant to be or is he still the same old ....?

There is no rush here. You are doing well. Work on yourself. Get sunlight on your face everyday. Take care.


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## Roll Tide (Nov 4, 2013)

How are you doing Breathe?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Breathe,

How are you doing?


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

MovingAhead said:


> Breathe,
> 
> How are you doing?


Yes Breathe31 - how are things going?


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