# I guess I deserved this.



## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Ever since D'Day (two months ago), I've been searching for a forum that I felt like I could fit in. I've been browsing here for about a week and really like what I see so far. 

Here's a bit of back story before I jump in to my present issue.

My husband (T) and I are both 30. We have been together for 10 years and married for nine. We have an 8 year old son, 5 year old daughter, and I am due to have our third child in just about two weeks. 

Eight years ago I did something terrible. I cheated on T. I had a 3 month long PA. I admitted to it and BH asked me to leave. I did. I moved my son and myself into a small duplex where we stayed for a year. I cut all contact with my AP during this time. I wanted to fix my marriage, but I respected my BH enough to give him the space he asked for. In that year apart, we maintained a wonderful level of civility for our son. We had dinners together every once in a while, shared holidays, etc. BH began to make comments about reconciliation and in February of 2009 we got back together. By May we were living together again. 

I asked BH if he would like to go to counseling together, but he has always refused. He doesn't believe counselors do any good, and he kept telling me that he was able to forgive me for my transgressions. For the next three years, things were great between us. My betrayal was *never* brought up, not even during disagreements. It really felt like we had found our newfound joy together.

Until the summer of 2012. I was having a "girl's night" at a friends house with three girl friends. We were drinking and having quality time together. The subject of my betrayal came up. Two of the girls were well aware of the subject, but a "new" girl (friend of a friend) was unaware. She asked some details (How did it start? How did it end?), to which I answered truthfully. I had been around this girl (we'll call her M) several times as she was the best friend of a good friend of mine. 

A few minutes later she got up from the patio table to make a phone call. She came back about 20 minutes later and we resumed our girl talk (no more about my xAP). A few minutes later my husband texted me asking if I was enjoying talking about the OM. I immediately excused myself and went home. 

We had an argument. I asked him who told him I was talking about him, but he wouldn't tell me. I told him the truth, that M had asked a couple of questions regarding him and I answered them truthfully. He went to bed angry at me, and so I made a bed on the couch. Several hours later (around 7AM) I woke up and went into our bedroom where he was still asleep. I checked his phone to see who had called/text him about it and, low and behold, it was M. It piqued my curiosity because 1) I was not aware they had each other's numbers and 2) Why did she feel so confident going to a man, that she has only hung out with a handful of times, and try to start drama? 

I decided to get into our cell account (something I had never done) and do some investigating. I found hundreds of texts back and forth between the two of them starting from about a month ago. I dated it to the one weekend I didn't feel like hanging out with our friends, so I told my husband to go without me. I got up from the table and walked into the bedroom. Husband was just waking up, so I dropped his phone right next to him and asked him when he was going to tell me that M and he had been texting back and forth for over a month? He immediately tried to apologize, saying they were just friends, blah, blah, same typical story. He always denied anything more than friendship although I never quite believed him. I believed their texts were inappropriate, but I let it go because I wouldn't let myself forget what I had done to him (which was even worse because it had been physical). 

He deleted her number, deleted her off of Facebook, and sent her a text saying that he would no longer be talking to her. A few weeks later or so, he showed me a Facebook message she had sent him saying something along the lines of "long time no talk. How are you doing?" and he asked me if I wanted him to reply. I replied for him saying, "This is his wife. He asked you to stop contacting him weeks ago. Back off now." 

That was the last we heard from her. 

Moving on. Two and a half more years go by and things are back to "great". We conceived our third child last summer and were both incredibly excited about it. However, around September his work schedule was changed drastically and he began working night shift (7P-7A) for seven days straight. I believe from September-December he managed to have three days off. This was a very difficult transition for us. The kids hardly ever got to see him because he was sleeping all day. Over time he became irritable from sheer exhaustion so we began to quarrel more and more (usually me begging him to demand some time off, and him getting frustrated because he couldn't). 

On Halloween night a dear friend of mine was murdered (and to this day, it's still unsolved), so two weeks later I made the drive to attend his funeral. While I was gone, my husband had attended a "diaper and beer party" for his best friend whom was expecting his second child in a couple months. They had drinks at one bar and then went out dancing. Originally it was just the guys, but then a few girls ended up coming along. My pregnant best friend (her husband being who the party was for), her SIL, and another girl whose husband was also attending the party. I kept in touch with my husband throughout the night. He would let me know what they were doing, where they were, etc. I would get random "I love/miss you" texts, etc.

Flash forward a couple weeks. T is at work and my lap top is running slow. I decide to get on his desktop because it's faster than mine. His Facebook page is up (we've never had any reason to keep passwords a secret, so this wasn't unusual for me). As I was about to exit out of his page, a notification from my BFF's SIL (who attended the party a couple weeks back) popped up on his page. I checked it out of sheer curiosity and it went to a picture of a couple sinks she was wanting to install in her house. Husband and her had been commenting back and forth on the type of work needed to put into it, etc. All very platonic. Except it rubbed me the wrong way. For one, I didn't even know they were Facebook friends. We had all hung around each other plenty of times, but I've never clicked with this girl. She was always nice, but her personality just rubbed me the wrong way. 

At this moment I decided to do some digging. I went to his activity log and noticed that he had friended her the Monday after his weekend out in which she had attended. Then he had Facebook requested her phone number, which really set me off. At this very time, a private message dinged on his profile, so I checked it since I was already in a shaky state of mind. Yep, from her. I read through some of the messages and they were all very platonic (about work) but it was obvious that the first message on that page wasn't the "real" first message. You could tell they had been in conversation for quite a while, but he had been deleting them.

I immediately called him and asked him if there was something he would like to tell me. Right away he asked if I was talking about A (what I'll call her from here on out). I said yes. He said they were just friends, but that he's sorry if their communication bothered me. That he had been deleting them because he didn't want to upset me. I was upset so I got off of the phone with him. An hour later he called me back asking if I was okay, if I could forgive him, etc. He told me that he messaged her and told her that he should never have started talking to her and that their communication would now cease, or something along those lines (but he also deleted that message, so I never had any proof of that).

This was at the end of November, right before Thanksgiving. Things were tough between us for a couple of weeks because I was feeling very discontent over it all. He kept apologizing and trying to make it up to me by being extra attentive. 

Flash forward two more weeks and it's now around December 11th or so. We are at our daughter's preschool Christmas program and I am talking to my BFF before it starts, as her son is in my daughter's class. She asked how I've been doing and I told her not well, that I caught my husband messaging A and it really hurt my feelings. I told her that, ever since, I have been wary and wondering if he really cut off contact. That's when she dropped a bombshell. Her husband (T's best friend; A's brother) had caught A "snap chatting" T. I knew that T had a snap chat, but I kept up with it and never saw any activity on it that I didn't approve of. Except here's the kicker.. he had created an account that I knew nothing about and she was the only one on his friends list. BFF showed me a screen shot of A's snap chat and, clear as day, my husband was listed as her top best friend. 

I walk back into the auditorium shaking. I tried my hardest to get through my daughter's program without breaking down, even with T sitting right next to me. By the end of it, all hell broke loose. He was scheduled to go into work that night but I told him he NEEDED to tell his boss that he was taking the night off for a family emergency. He immediately caught on.

I asked my MIL if she could take the kids to her house for a little bit because T and I had some serious issues to discuss. She immediately knew what I was referring to and said, "Really, T? What in the hell is wrong with you?". (After I found out about T & A's initial contact, I had a talk with my MIL about it. She was very disappointed in T, but we both had trusted him when he said he stopped talking to her.)

So, she took the kids to her house and T and I had it out at home. He was very apologetic, but I was on fire. Turns out he had never stopped talking to her after all (duh). He just learned to be secretive about it. He would call her from his work phone (which cannot leave his job) and they would snap chat. He admitted that their conversations had been less than innocent, but that he wanted to make things right with me, and he swore he'd stop talking to her. Etc, etc. 

For the next month he swore that he was having no contact with her, and I couldn't prove otherwise. However, tensions were high in the house. He would get upset when I would ask about her, and I would get upset because he acted as if I should be over all of this already. Nevermind the fact that, by this point, I'm 7 months pregnant and extra hormonal. I just felt like he wasn't doing enough to prove to me that he was done with her. 

Christmas came and went and I went on a week long vacation with my family (that we take every year). T was unable to get the time off (happens nearly every year) because he's only given a week's paid vacation and we use that over summer vacation. I was scared to leave, but the kids were looking forward to it so much that I ended up going. T and I kept in constant contact and everything felt fine. He seemed excited to see me when we got home, etc. 

Flash forward to January 4th. The day before we had been in a huge fight (same issues- my insecurities now and his frustration with my constant nagging over it) and didn't say a single word to each other all day long. When he got home from work that morning, I asked him to come lay down in bed with me. We had a huge talk and we seemed to be making progress. I got up to use the restroom, came back, and his entire demeanor had changed within minutes. He tells me the classic "ILYBINILWY" speech and that he's leaving. 

Just like that. 

I throw myself into the shower a sobbing mess. By the time I get out, he's gone. 

For the next month he still swears he's had no contact with A. He says he's just confused on what he wants and so he needs some space. He says he loves me, but I deserve someone who is IN love with me. I deserve someone better, etc, etc. He has a change of heart two weeks into the original separation and comes home for a whopping two days. The first day is great. He is happy and attentive and affectionate. He tells me he loves me without my initiating it. Then he goes to work over night and comes home a different man. He has off that day and is completely distant. That night, while in bed, he keeps waking me up telling me that I am taking up all of the room and that I need to scoot over (away from him). I wake up a couple times, in the middle of the night, and he's bent over the side of the bed checking his phone. 

I just know at this point. 

He leaves for work the following morning (his schedule got switched around) and he's distant all day again. I ask him, at 1:30, if he's coming home tonight. He waits four hours to text back and says no. That it doesn't feel like home anymore. That he's so sorry but he can't do this, etc. 

Que immediate heart break again. I beg him to come talk to me in person and so he does. He repacks his bags in the presence of my sobbing children and me and tells me he's sorry, but he just doesn't know what he wants. 

It's all a mess. He goes back to live with his mom. I need to mention here that all of his family is completely blown away and outraged by his behavior. They try talking sense into him, but he becomes a stone wall in their presence.

Fast forward to February 5th. Our son is in Cub Scouts and had a basketball game to attend that evening. T had promised to take him. That morning he told me he was going to help some buddies from work move and that he would be back in time to take our son to scouts. Only I get a text from him at 6pm saying he won't be able to make it after all. Surprise, surprise. DS is devastated, but I take him myself. 

The next morning as I am driving the kids to school, I notice that T's truck isn't in his mom's parking lot. (We have to drive by my MIL's house every day to get to the kids' schools). It immediately triggered my heart palpitations. I tried calling him and got no answer. I dropped the kids off and rush home, immediately logging into our AT&T account. I noticed that, the night before, he made two calls into the next city over. I googled the number and what do you know? It's to a hotel. 

If only I could describe my feelings at this point. Now to make an even longer story short- I caught him with A there. I confronted them both. It was terrible. He was so cruel to me. I took pictures as proof, and told A that I would be reporting her to HR (did I mention she's a **family and marriage counselor**??) That was the only instance in which she expressed a hint of emotion. 

So, the truth is now out. He didn't leave me for space to think things through. He left me for her. He left his two kids, his wife, and his unborn daughter for HER. For a woman he had only been talking to since November. It didn't make sense to me. Why me? Why us? 

Everyone knows. I exposed their A far and wife. They have both lost all of their friends. All sides of the families are angry at them both. Even my kids know that daddy has a girl friend and that's why he left. My son is in individual counseling because of this and my OB has put me on anti-depressants because of this. I'm due in two weeks and have no idea how I'm going to do this alone.

But here's where it gets even more hurtful. WH is now justifying his affair by saying he has never been able to forgive me for what I did to him 8 years ago. Basically, I brought this all onto myself because he could never get past it. But the thing is- he NEVER once expressed any insecurities over it. He never told me he was having a hard time with it. I would have went above and beyond to make things right in whatever fashion he needed from me. But he never gave me the chance. I lived the next 6 years in complete transparency to him. He knew all of my passwords. I was always where I said I would be (always finding ways to prove it, too). 

It hurts me that he's found a way to spin this into making me look bad. I did everything I could to make our marriage right again, but did I really just do irreparable damage to his psyche? It hurts so bad. All of this. 

Oh, and remember M from three years ago? He admitted pretty recently that he slept with her once. So it wasn't just an EA after all. 

Again, that was because he was never able to truly forgive me. 

How do you live so many years with someone and never know there's a problem? That's what I don't get. It would be different if every day was a struggle, but it wasn't. Beyond July of 2012 and November-now, we got along perfectly. We had incredible intimacy and affection. So many laughs and wonderful family times.

I'm truly at a loss here. I want to be so angry at him. I want to curse his name and move on without a look back. But I can't let go of that nagging feeling that I brought all of this onto myself. That it's finally karma coming back to me after all of these years. 

Thank you for reading. I know it's a long jumbled mess, but I just needed to get it all out.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

When I read stories like this.. about someone who cheated on their partner subsequently being cheated on, it's hard to feel a whole bunch of sympathy.

Having read your story, if it's any help, even though I can't help but think 'karma strikes again', I'm inclined to think he would have cheated on you whether or not you cheated on him, and he's just using it as an excuse, which you conveniently provided to him.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

i tend to agree with the subject.

at least the both of you are wrong and wronged each other.

you've both let evil into your lives.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm thinking your old man would have a RA with in the 1st yr of finding out you cheated.

But since it has been all these yrs I have to think he would have cheated either way...so ya I think it's just an excuses to get out of this marriage...I also think his new girl friend will soon be cheating on him in no time.

Think about it....this women has no heart...your old man is going to regret every being with this women that goes after married men!


You need to get to a lawyer ASAP and get that child support flowing in.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

No, you don't deserve this. He forgave you, reconciled with you and continued to create a family with you. He is despicable for bringing this into your life when you are pregnant. 

Please take care of yourself and your children. I suggest you read and implement the 180. Speak to an attorney as soon as possible and seek temporary orders for support of your children.

Kudos for exposing them both, she has no business being a family and marriage counselor.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*He certainly has a marked tendancy of being a serial cheater! His blatant deception with A and his subsequent shacking-up with her in the "No-Tell Motel" for some freelance "marriage counseling" along with being the gifted recipient of a prime little piece of "strange," speaks absolute volumes!

And since he's already professed his ILYBINILWY to you, I'd just head on off to a family lawyer's office and consider taking his sorry ass to the cleaners. And if A happens to be married, I'd definitely "out her" to her old man!

Also, I'd also consider having your MD do some lab tests for the presence of STD's just to safely rule out that he hasn't given you one!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Aunt Ava said:


> He forgave you...


Eh... seems like he didn't.



Aunt Ava said:


> ...reconciled with you...


More like _rugswept_ w/ her.



Aunt Ava said:


> ...and continued to create a family with you. He is despicable for bringing this into your life when you are pregnant.
> 
> Please take care of yourself and your children. I suggest you read and implement the 180. Speak to an attorney as soon as possible and seek temporary orders for support of your children.
> 
> Kudos for exposing them both, she has no business being a family and marriage counselor.


Agreed.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Excuses. Like the others said, he's using your affair as an excuse to justify his. I think that YOU are the one who has not forgiven herself for your affair, and he senses this and uses it against you.

The fact is that HE CHOSE to reconcile with you after your affair. He could have chosen not to but he did, so in a sense, there was a new marriage that came out of the debris of the old one. You have as much right as he does to not allow other people to hijack the intimacy that solely belongs to the two of you. Sadly he has failed miserably to do this.

Please read and print *Just Let Them Go* and start emotionally detaching (for your sanity and well being) by implementing *The 180 degrees*. And hire a divorce attorney to start the ball rolling (doing so does not finalize it).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OK, so I have a few questions...



bb1984 said:


> My husband and I... have an 8 year old son...
> 
> Eight years ago... I had a 3 month long PA. I admitted to it and BH asked me to leave.


How soon after the birth of your son did you begin your affair?

Has he ever voiced any concern w/ respect to the possibility that he's perhaps *NOT* your son's biological father?

Who was OM? A friend? Co-worker? Member of his family?

What prompted you to admit to the affair?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

just what dating did the H do during that year apart. i think hes been cheating a long time.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> OK, so I have a few questions...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Our son was a little over a year old when this started. There's never been a single doubt as to the paternity of our children. They are both twins of their father. 

OM was a friend of mine from before I met my husband. 

I'm not sure I have a solid answer for WHY I admitted to the affair. My husband had no idea and it had ended a couple of months back. I don't know if I just assumed that clearing my conscience would allow me to forgive myself, or if I just felt he had a right to know. Maybe a little bit of both. 



Q tip said:


> just what dating did the H do during that year apart. i think hes been cheating a long time.


He dated a lot. I know, for a fact, that he had slept with a handful of women while we were separated, but I never held it against him.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Not to excuse your husband's despicable behavior for one minute but it seems that M managed to open his old wounds from your betrayal, in order to get to him. She is a true POS.

Consider ceasing any non-child related communication with your cheating husband. Let him and M deal with each others crap and see how long they are together. Reality will eventually burst his fantasy bubble when he starts missing his children and you.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

lenzi said:


> When I read stories like this.. about someone who cheated on their partner subsequently being cheated on, it's hard to feel a whole bunch of sympathy.


I did not post this expecting any sort of sympathy. What I did to him was wrong and I will never try to justify it. 

However, I am hurt that I was led to believe we were in recovery for 6 years when it appears he had no intention of ever sticking around. He had a couple other instances where his intentions were less than pure that I didn't post about because they weren't as blaring as the two I posted (texting his ex, from during our separation, just after having our daughter, that he missed her and wanted to see her again. And then in 2013 catching him in an intimate embrace with another woman while at a dance club.) Looking back at our history it seems he merely kept me around until someone better, in his eyes, came around.

That's the part I struggle with. Divorce me or work at R with me. But don't lead me on when I'm more than willing to put forth the effort to mend my mistakes. 



arbitrator said:


> Also, I'd consider having your MD do some tests for the presence of STD'sjust to safely rule out that he hasn't given you one!


Yes, this has already been taken care of. I let my OB know the day I caught them at the hotel that I needed a repeat STD panel. I've already been cleared on that front, thankfully.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You need to think "I will get through this. I can do this." Once you start thinking the other way, your emotions and mindset will spiral downward as well. Gather a support system around you. Friends, family, and whoever else you can think of. Grieve, but keep your head up.

Whatever he is saying at the moment, you have to ignore it. He might be telling you the truth and he might not. He is in a stage where his need to be with the OW will cause him to be obsessive over her. You, your children, are in the way of that obsession. You can think of him as a drug addict at the moment.

The only thing you can really do is move forwards. Btw, we really never know anyone as well as we think. We can only gather info from what we observe, and can infer. From that information, we create constructs of the people from what we gathered, and our perception is based on that. He is more flawed than what he has shown as of yet, or he has changed and you have never picked it up. Whatever the case, you need to seek a way for you to reach a state of well-being without him being a factor in your life.

Start making goals for positive changes that will increase your well-being with the reality at the present. Create that support system. Learn to let him go. See what else you can do to increase your happiness, or well-being. Also, your going through physical, emotional, and mental withdrawal from him. You have to treat love like an addiction.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

bb1984 said:


> Our son was a little over a year old when this started. There's never been a single doubt as to the paternity of our children. They are both twins of their father.
> 
> OM was a friend of mine from before I met my husband.
> 
> ...





bb1984 said:


> I did not post this expecting any sort of sympathy. What I did to him was wrong and I will never try to justify it.
> 
> However, I am hurt that I was led to believe we were in recovery for 6 years when it appears he had no intention of ever sticking around. He had a couple other instances where his intentions were less than pure that I didn't post about because they weren't as blaring as the two I posted (texting his ex, from during our separation, just after having our daughter, that he missed her and wanted to see her again. And then in 2013 catching him in an intimate embrace with another woman while at a dance club.) Looking back at our history it seems he merely kept me around until someone better, in his eyes, came around.
> 
> ...


Damn. The more I read, the more I'm inclined to agree w/ Lenzi...



lenzi said:


> ...I'm inclined to think he would have cheated on you whether or not you cheated on him, and he's just using it as an excuse, which you conveniently provided to him.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

This looks like a deep morass of betrayal, denial and resentment that never healed. Obviously, you started it, and we'll never, ever know what might have been without your betrayal.

Still, he's not a standup guy to take you back, then pull these stunts. Everyone is just sinking deeper and deeper. You seem seriously committed now, but he's off his rocker. He's going to have to change his mind, want to reconcile, and spend lots of MC time sorting out the funk for anything good to come of this.

By the way, you talking about your affair again with anyone is in horrible taste. Bad decision. Can't imagine why you'd want to do it.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Divorce. Send him on his merry way.

There has to be a cut off point for taking the blame for the affair.
How many women does he have to cheat with before
a) You're squared
b) It gets bad enough to leave him?

Take the bull by the horns and end all this silliness and drama. It's not healthy for anyone.

Enough has to be enough.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

bb1984 said:


> He dated a lot. I know, for a fact, that he had slept with a handful of women while we were separated, but I never held it against him.


Normally a separation is to help a spouse to ponder whether the marriage is salvageable, and for personal healing, NOT to act like a single person and have sex with other men/women while still married. In your husband's case, the separation amounted to a multiple "hall pass" from you. 

Granted that no amount of extra-marital sex can make up for the emotional upheaval suffered from the person who betrayed you, but the extra-marital sex he had should have been more than enough to help him repair any self-esteem issues he might have had and cleared any doubts that he had about still being attractive to other women.

It's extremely hard to commiserate with such an individual like your cheating husband.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

Your past digressions or anybody's really dont give a spouse a get out of jail free card. It was the easiest card to play for him in the blame/justify game. I also suspect had you not caught he would still be acting like the husband you knew before. If you dig deep enough you will probably find more transgressions. He is probably the "thrill spice up life" affair type more than the "soulmate" affair. 

His affair is not caused by yours. He needo to own that all on his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This is a cautionary tale to NOT rug sweep infidelity. He needed to work through this. I have seen this about three times where a man is coerced into rug sweeping or does it himself and then becomes a cheater afterward.

OP. Feeling a lot of sympathy for how this has played out. You are extremely vulnerable right now.

Do you want to get him back? You might want to start reading books on how to help your spouse heal after your affair. It is very late in the game but may help yet. Your H might be in what is referred to as the "fog" and may snap out of it.

Also start reading marriage building books like "His needs Her needs" "The Five Love Languages" start looking up love busters and the like on the chance that he might open his heart to you again.

Unfortunately, because your infidelity was never dealt with, you are working uphill and the 180 might not work if he has been checking out for years.

What do you want and what are you willing to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Is your family close by to help you with the birth of your child?

Or just his family? I do hope you get some support in your situation. It would be great if your Mom or a sister was there to help you, especially with the birth so near.

Hope you can find some good days with your kids.
Sorry that your kids are also having to go thru this.

When you can, what do you want, R or D?

I do hope you can get to talk to an attorney about your options. I do not see this "couple" finding long-term happiness.

I do hope you find a good way to take care of you and your kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You know what scares the shyt out of me....there is a women that phucks married guys and is out there counselling other couples!

If any one needs to to be posted on cheatersville...it's this chick...someone needs to warn other about this phucked up chick!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only way you'll get him back is if you file immediately, sic your lawyer on him for everything he's got, though I doubt there's much, cut off ALL contact with him so that he really gets to see what being without you really means, and then just sit back and wait. 

That said, he seems to be a serial cheat. Not sure if you should take him back. 

But if you do manage to get back together - and actually, even if you don't - get the book His Needs Her Needs. Read it. Embrace it. And understand that men above all have to be respected. Their #1 need is usually sex. The #2 need is usually admiration. The way you described it, you showed a whole lot of lack of respecting him. Nagging him. Pushing him to prove things to you. 

I'm not saying you shouldn't have held him accountable. I'm saying that he reached a point where he figured screw it, I'm never getting out of this doghouse, and he gave up on you.

OW was fun, free and easy. When he was with her, or flirting with her, HE FELT GOOD. He stopped feeling good around you a long time ago. Note that I am in no way excusing what he did. Just trying to help you understand him if you move forward together.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

For what it's worth, you do have my sympathy. You and your children.

You did the wrong thing, once. Your husband has done the wrong thing, multiple times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> You know what scares the shyt out of me....there is a women that phucks married guys and is out there counselling other couples!
> 
> If any one needs to to be posted on cheatersville...it's this chick...someone needs to warn other about this phucked up chick!


:iagree:

CheaterVille :: Don't Be the Last to Know

and the State licensing board.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

bb1984 said:


> Looking back at our history it seems he merely kept me around until someone better, in his eyes, came around.
> 
> That's the part I struggle with. Divorce me or work at R with me. But don't lead me on when I'm more than willing to put forth the effort to mend my mistakes.


I would say he's the type of person who doesn't want to be alone, and will always move on if/when a 'better' partner presents themselves. 

This kind of behaviour is perfectly acceptable in regards to employment. A sensible person always keeps the job they have, even if they hate it, until they can land another one. If the old job is okay, they may not be actively job hunting, but if a better opportunity comes up, they'll still go for it.

I don't think your own affair, horrible as it was, has much to do with his behaviour. It's just the handy excuse he can use to deflect attention from his own crappy behaviour.

He's a poor excuse for a partner and you're well-rid of him.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to lawyer up immediately to get a court ordered support agreement. This should be a slam dunk while your still pregnant. Do not delay. That's alimony and child support for three kids. Cheatin shouldn't be cheap.


He didn't have to reconcile with you. His cheating is all on him. His kids did nothing to him.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

BB - 

You deceived him for 3 months, then confessed.


You recently had his 'confession' that he's been deceiving you for the past 8 years. His 'forgiveness' was a sham.

Those are the facts. Don't tie yourself up with the 'what ifs' and other speculation,, cuz you'll never know.

Two wrongs don't make a right. Deceit IS cheating. EIGHT years of cheating. Not just an ONS with the one woman and now the MC slápper,, eight years of sustained deceit.


BE angry. Use it to help you move on. It'll be easier if you do it before she dumps him and he tries to weasel his way back with you.

She will dump him. It's probably her 'thing' to pity-jump her male clients.

You caught him persuing a bunch of women and sleeping with two.

No contrition either. You get no brownie points for cheating,, but a 3 month PA and regretting it doesn't compare to 8 years of deceitful persual and two PAs (that you know of).

Be mad and move on. Don't believe him when he comes crawling back. 

Believing he'd forgiven you doesn't make you a fool. Taking back a serial cheater would make you a fool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

bb1984: If you haven't figured it out yet, it's obvious that your initial affair has cheapened your marriage in your husband's eyes to the point that the children the two of you share are the only thing that keeps him in the union. He has no qualms in doing that which has been done to him and if you think about it, why should he?
You need to decide if your children are important enough to you to do the same.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Btw, go completely dark on him. Make him communicate only by email for your records, journal everything he does. Only discuss financial and child information and that by email.

He would be the last person I would tell when you have to go to the hospital. I wouldn't tell his family until well after the birth if then. They raised a monster. At least you don't have to compromise on a name.

The courts frown hard on child abandonment. Have your attorney push that hard.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bb1984 said:


> Oh, and remember M from three years ago? He admitted pretty recently that he slept with her once. So it wasn't just an EA after all.


It's hard to believe that he slept with her only one time. In cheater lingo .. that means many times.

If you want find out, talk to M.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BB,

It sounds like your husband was cheating with M before that discussion about your AP when she called him to report. That conversation did not lead to him cheating. It just helped him build his own excuse.


Also, you have caught him in too many compromising incidents for this to be a 1 or 2 time thing.

Perhaps his own cheating is why he has never wanted to further discuss what you did. He knew that if he talked about your affair, his years of affairs would come to light.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, I find it 'funny' that he is now with a marriage and family counselor. I wonder if she knows that he does not respect what she does?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

And don't allow him to guilt you because of your PA 8 years ago. Remind him that he had sex with other women during his separation from you while still married to you. Stop allowing the pot to call the kettle black.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Thank you all for your words. I really do appreciate them.

As to whether or not I was to D or R? I'm stuck right in the middle. Some days I think to myself that we deserve a "real" chance at R'ing with both of us going in head first to right our wrongs. 

Then I look at my daughter, and think of my unborn daughter, and wonder just what I would be teaching them if I took him back. And I think of my son and wonder if it would just be affirming his father's actions if I took him back. I've been honest with my kids from the get go (well, since I caught them at the hotel). They know that their daddy has a girl friend and left me (well, us) for her. My son is very disappointed in his dad. To the point to where he lectures him most times he's with them. 

She is on Cheaterville already. I didn't do it but was sent an anonymous email showing that a profile has been made for her because of this. I'm not sure who did it, although I do have my suspicions. There are a lot of angry people on all sides of the family. I was against doing it originally, but I have to admit that I am a bit relieved someone else did it in my place. Now I don't have to carry around the guilt of doing it while knowing my husband is just as, if not more so, guilty. 

He's living with his mom right now but is still financially supporting us 100%. It's why I've been careful not to rock the boat. I do plan on being self sufficient after this baby is born, but I'm kind of SOL until then. A couple of weeks ago my cousin introduced me to one of her friends who is in the exact same situation as me, only it's a guy. His wife walked out on him and their two kids for someone else and he won full custody of them. He shared his lawyer's name with me a few days ago and I plan on calling tomorrow to set up a consultation. 

It just scares me. I don't want to accept that our marriage is over, but I think that, deep down, I know what I have to do. I don't want THIS marriage any longer. If there were to ever be another chance for us in the future, I believe it would be wise to start fresh. As it is now, though, he's still talking with the OW and has no intention of cutting that off. So I can be strictly Plan B until that relationship falls apart, or I can move on with my life and do the best that I can for my children, which is what I know I'll end up doing, no matter how much it hurts.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You seem to be doing the right things, OP.

By the way if you want to please PM me the Cheaterville profile link.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

me too, please


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

The marriage is a lie. 

Learn from your mistakes and move on from this guy.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

There is no excuse for your WH's A's that occurred YEARS after your screw-up, and after he separated and then decided to R. 

These are NOT RA's (which I personally understand and do not really have a problem with, though many others disagree).....they are just examples that he is an immoral cheat as well.

Was he that before your A?....impossible to tell with any certainty. 

Traumatic experiences can scar and break people, exposing character flaws that might have remained dormant if the trauma had not happened.....or it may be that these flaws would have eventually come out anyway.

That is a question you will never truly know the answer to.

Its also possible that even after R, he viewed the M as forever tainted by your A, and this view of it gave a green light to his own ugly side....but if your WH did see the M this way, then he is truly a POS for pretending to rebuild a happy M with you while hiding the fact that he now saw it as meaningless or permanently crippled.

If he felt that way about it, he should have been honest and never R'd with you in the first place, instead putting a M he thought of as so damaged to rest by D'ing you for your A.

Sorry you are having to deal with all of this because your WH failed to handle any of this with character, honesty, or morals.

Heal yourself and protect your children from your POS WH....right now he is nothing but pain and destruction to all of you.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Hi bb1984,

This is a hard story to read. It looks like you have shown remorse and character after your affair.

Listen;...Almost without exception people who have a revenge affair are worse off after it, more hurt, confused, disappointed in themselves and guilty. They almost always immediately recognize what a terrible idea it was.

This was not your husband reaction... and likely it was not primarily a revenge affair (though revenge may have been present), he is a serial cheater!

If you want to save the marriage (that's your call) you should follow the advice of getting tough, NC, 180 and all the rest.

Having said that it takes 2-5 years to really deal with healing a relationship after the fall out of an affair when you are working at it. It was swept under the rug (mostly by him) and so he has stalled in recovery for these several reasons.

There is a tenancy to balance guilt with blame (His affair/Your affair) so that would have kept him trapped in a "Guilt/Blaming" feed back loop as well.

In other words because he is a willing cheater, he is unwilling to approach the work of releasing blame.

What was going on that you were willing to have an affair with your friend? You know the answer to this, don't over think it.

I am sorry for your situation, his cheating now is no more justifiable than your's was then, it a damaging way to pursue happiness in your life. (as you know).

I cant imagine as a dad doing that to my children, or how distressing it must be for you as a mother, I am sorry.

Please feel like you can find support here as you work through this, you are in a tough spot and deserve better.
Take care!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

bb1984,

So OW is married?

What has the fallout from your exposure done with her M?

Is her BH initiating D?

Are they trying to R while your WH continues to chase OW?


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

I think in order to be fair (no such thing in this situation), if you're disclosing your husband's affair to your children then you also have to be honest about your own. Yes, you're a victim of your husband's infidelity NOW but he was a victim of yours THEN and your affair had a lasting and damaging impact on him and your marriage.

He hasn't left your children and his family, he left you. I'm sure his love for his family hasn't changed. He hasn't stopped loving or replaced his children and unborn child in his heart, it's his love for you that is in question.

Would your husband have cheated had you not, is this the result of your affair, who knows? BUT you did cheat so as insignificant as that may appear to be to you it is HUGE.

It's not surprising that your husband hadn't bought up the affair, men are typically known for not communicating their feelings and emotions. He wouldn't have bought it up because most likely he didn't know how to, couldn't or didn't want to. You should know that adultery always leaves an impact, whether it's known and obvious or not. 

Your husband's response to your affair (several of his own) is typical amongst the somewhat strong, alpha types who choose to remain or reconcile with someone who's cheated on them. Their constitution and pride won't allow them to let it be and move past it. They will respond in kind and do worse and their reasoning will be warped and convoluted but most likely stem from the initial betrayal, hurt and affront they experienced.

My friends went through this, she cheated on him early in their relationship and he ended up doing the same throughout their relationship. 

If he is unremorseful and blaming you then he is in no frame of mind to care and work through this with you. So in order for what's best moving forward, maybe you should just call this. 

Admit to each other that you have both f***ed up MASSIVELY as there is no point in assigning blame because that'll be never-ending and only yield more anger and resentment. If he wants to be with her then let them have each other.

You two should seek therapy to help you co-parent your children. Learn to communicate as parents and maybe friends later but definitely not husband and wife.

Things may change in the future but you're both young enough that this doesn't have to completely wreck the rest of your lives.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

It is possible that the OW was able to use her training as a marriage guidance counsellor to virtually brainwash your husband into leaving you and your children.

She must be reported to her licensing authority.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I don't blame your husband's affair on your affair. That's rediculous. 

I do wonder what caused you to cheat on him in the first place. Was he distant? Could he have possibly been having an affair before yours started? 

At this point, don't beat yourself up. You need to focus on your children and finances at this point. It's going to be a bit lonely for a while but your family has some serious issues. 

I can't keep track of all your friends but it sounds like you need to dump most of them. It's def. time for the big girl panties. 

I don't see a successful reconciliation with a serial cheater at this point. I see your husband crawling back to you fairly soon but for the sake of bouncing your kids around, I would not reconcile. 

It's not a stable or healthy marriage and your kids deserve better. Dump friends and husband and find a better life if financially possible.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think deep down that you know that just because he never brought up your affair doesn't mean he wasn't fundamentally destroyed by it. It just reads like a man who tried to put things right for the kids but just never really forgave.

Doesn't absolve him from blame though. It's a terrible thing to put you through. He should have just left it alone after he discovered your affair and just parted ways.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Well, I will throw in my two cents;

1) Your affair was horrible, good God, one year in to the marriage ?? Not that it was ever good to do it at any point. It probably destroyed your husband's psyche for the remainder

2) Don't ever feel that telling him was the wrong thing to do. Honesty is the most important thing and if he found out on his own, it would probably by divorce city and a nasty one at that

3) He decided to take you back and reconcile. The fact that he has been pining to get a revenge affair on you for a long time or 'got confused' as cover for his leaving you and having an affair of his own shows that he was setting you up.The fact that this other woman set you up by baiting you for info over your initial affair and contacting him tells me it was an inside job. Now if you had said your initial affair was disgusting to her and it got back to him, it may not have caused damage. if you said something positive about it, it may have been very damaging.

In my opinion, both of you were wrong but he's currently destroying everything and I would be prepared for the worst case scenario and lawyer up. Don't go for everything though. You still want a functioning father for your kids.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Essential first
*1. File for Divorce*
Divorce or Reconciliation, this is necessary so you can get a temporary child support. I assume you won't be working for a while after the birth and it's gonna be unpaid leave. He can walk away from you but he should be responsible for his children, especially the newborn. By filing the temp child support, he'll be legally obligated to support the children. It'll lift a little burden off your shoulder

*2. Relax*
You're due in 2 weeks (!) and this **** shouldn't be brought upon you. Maybe try yoga or herbal tea or talk to your family or something else. Stress can cause high blood pressure problem and that's a big hell no for late trimester. My wife had this (thanks to her soulsucking stepbrother not me), and she had to be in bedrest for a while until the birth.


Now the problem,
Your PA is a good reason for him to divorce you, not to have an affair. He should've left permanently instead of bringing more children into the world in the middle of this pretend marriage (from his POV). That IMO was the most cruel thing. You said that your relationship with him during R was warm and only cold after the last affair, and that this isn't your first dday, AND he was still actively hitting on other women after the 1st dday. He has checked out a long time ago, you were the safety net while he was out in the ocean looking for new fish. Once he did, he walked away on his pregnant wife and children. After all the concern you shared with him, 3 ddays and he's still being a royal jerk. Multiple dday is terrible, WS sees how much of pain that was brought onto BS and still decided to do it again. I'm all about R and i believe that people can change, i've changed and my wife is changing but in this case it doesn't look like he will. 

Our case is similar but there are a bunch of difference. One thing i know for a fact is that i'll never cheat again and if my wife ever cheated again i'd run not walk. 

And please, report that OW to the board or something. That sociopath needs to stop working as family counselor. Post her on cheaterville


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your affair made it easier for him to rationalize his because he could always pull the old she did it first card.

He probably has been holding resentment all these years.

I would say his actions were worse because he wasn't man enough to kick you to the cub when you cheated and he passive aggressively is punishing you by excusing himself from cheating because you did first.

I don't see a happy ending here file for divorce and keep the kids out of it if you can. as best as you can I understand they already know some but just stop telling them anything and say your dad and I just are not compatible. We both still love you and will be the best parents we can for you. 

as far as you deserving this .........I don't know but karma is a b1tch.

if its any consolation if it is karma then he will be getting his payback at sometime also.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

Something else: If my wife was sitting at some friends house, recounting an affair that broke me mentally, I would damn sure be pissed off. Almost to the point of leaving her right then.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

It seems to me that she was set up and played by her "friend". From Her first post...

Until the summer of 2012. I was having a "girl's night" at a friends house with three girl friends. We were drinking and having quality time together. The subject of my betrayal came up. Two of the girls were well aware of the subject, but a "new" girl (friend of a friend) was unaware. She asked some details (How did it start? How did it end?), to which I answered truthfully. I had been around this girl (we'll call her M) several times as she was the best friend of a good friend of mine. 

A few minutes later she got up from the patio table to make a phone call. She came back about 20 minutes later and we resumed our girl talk (no more about my xAP). A few minutes later my husband texted me asking if I was enjoying talking about the OM. I immediately excused myself and went home.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Oh, how I & millions of others wish and pray that "Karma" really did always come for its due. Sadly, we remain disappointed. 

BB made a bad choice, she confessed and they separated for over a year. She paid the consequences for that choice. HE initiated a reconciliation, she was under the impression that they created a new marriage. 

This isn't a typical revenge affair. He is a serial cheater, and is putting her health as well as that of her unborn child at risk. Can't wait to see his karma come due.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I know you have regret and remorse for your own A, OP. It may or may not have contributed to your WH's behavior, but at the very least it has deeply affected the type of marriage you have had.

Nonetheless.....I have read through this and my spidey senses tell me that I am in agreement with the others here who think your WH is a serial cheater. He may even have cheated before you did.

And completely independent of what you did, any man who leaves his W for another woman just weeks before she gives birth is no sort of man.

180.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

There was this one case I read on about how a husband abused his wife until she finally left. In the end, she became a dysfunctional person and cannot operate in a healthy relationship because she was abused for so long that the abnormal highs and lows has become her norm. Her husband got help and found a new relationship in which he is fulfilled in because he has become healthy. So where is the karma? Children of sexual abuse will either commit suicide, or they will be highly dysfunctional at best. Look at the Catholic church, they are able to protect those predators from any justice. Reality is a cold place and does not care about outcomes. Factors play more of a role than anything else. Don't forget, about 5 percent of affairs end up having a long term relationship. Some even last a lifetime and in the end, they are happy.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"There was this one case I read on about how a husband abused his wife until she finally left. In the end, she became a dysfunctional person and cannot operate in a healthy relationship because she was abused for so long that the abnormal highs and lows has become her norm. Her husband got help and found a new relationship in which he is fulfilled in because he has become healthy. So where is the karma?"

Mr.Fisty,

I agree 100%....there is no karma in reality....SOMETIMES people's poor choices do catch up to them and they suffer the consequences.

I have a close friend whose cousin has a similar story.

He was a meth dealer, abusive, pretty much a thug. 

According to my friend, his gf at the time was a totally sweet, loving, and innocent girl. He abused her physically and emotionally....eventually got her addicted to meth.

Then he went to prison for 8 years for being an accomplice in a fatal shooting.

He has totally straightened his life out....a 180 from his past self.

She, on the other hand, has become a total addict...engaging in petty crime and prostitution to feed her habit.

My friend shared this with me after I met them at one of her family parties not long after her cousin's release.

He was trying to clean her up for awhile for the sake of their 2 daughters, but eventually he gave up and moved on in life.

I was shocked at the party when I saw them...didn't understand how a guy who seemed so decent had involved himself with such a clearly troubled woman.

That's when my friend told me the background.

No karma in this situation....he essentially destroyed a woman and now has a good life with a W and son.

I'm glad he has fixed his life...he really is a decent guy today.

But I still cringe when I occasionally see his ex around town....she is still lost....and my friend actually cries when she talks about her...she remembers the good girl she was before it all.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

By the Way, OP, Cheaterville has an: "Email Story anonymously" function. So you can spread it even further afield.

It's top right, just under her location.:FIREdevil:


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Your affair is on you, his on him. Neither lead to the other's indiscretions nor do they cancel each other out. Stop fighting for your marriage, start fighting for your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

And this is your next port of call
"Welcome to the home page of the Texas State Board of Examiners of Marriage and Family Therapists, the state board that licenses and regulates Marriage and Family Therapists in Texas"
https://www.dshs.state.tx.us/mft/

Sic them on her, ASAP.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

bb1984 - 

back to your story. not laying a judgement down in this post but following up on Gus's questions, i have a few leading ones (for elicitation;s sake only)

i. why did you have the 3 month affair early in your M? not sensing you posess any great character malady, so what was it? was the OM the one that got away, your husband plan B? were you more attracted to the OM than to your H, then? were you fighting with your H at the time?

ii. what was the sequencing on your first child /marriage. were you pregnant with your first child prior to marrying him? here am just wondering how you and he decided to marry? was it purely love or also a bit of practical pressure vis-a-vis providing an intact familt for child #1?


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## sammy7111 (Apr 19, 2014)

Doesn't he deserve a second chance he gave you one . And yes it could be karma. 







How many times have cheating spouses pushed for separation so they can take an EA to a full blown PA? Do we then treat those as non-affairs because they were separated? I would wager good money that most people here would say NO - especially if the woman had been the cheater.



I'm sorry but fairness doesn't mean you can have reconciliation and retribution at the same time. She cheated first, but instead of taking his retribution by divorcing her, he fakes reconciliation (after he slept with a handful of women) and starts breaking boundaries left and right with other women and culminating into another sexual encounter with one of them, turned full affair.

So when it comes to "fairness", he's gotten more than his rightful share.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

DIVORCE. Both people need to be fixed. They don't need to be together at this point


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Its all *Marital MADness...*

*M*utually
*A*ssured
*D*estruction


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

It is no excuse for your husband to walk out while you are nine months! You take care of your small kids and yourself.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

100 Posts and a cup and a half of java later this thread is now cleaned up. Any further posts that do not directly address the OP or quotes anyone other than the OP will result in a ban.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

bb1984 said:


> I'm truly at a loss here. I want to be so angry at him. I want to curse his name and move on without a look back. But I can't let go of that nagging feeling that I brought all of this onto myself. That it's finally karma coming back to me after all of these years.


I agree, can't take the high road. Neither of you can.

However, he should have decided to divorce when he first found out. I wouldn't stay in a marriage with someone that cheated if all I was going to do was try to get even. Not worth it.

So bottom line....you both F'd up. I think its time to do both of you a favor, and file for divorce.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He chose to R, he chose to invest in two more children, he MADE his choice to forgive you and create a life together. Cheating is now on HIM.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bb1984,

I'm just checking in on you. Are you doing ok?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Any news on the cheating marriage counsellor?

OP, have you decided on a course of action about her? 

Because it is my opinion that reconciliation and even co-parenting post divorce should you need to take that route, will be hard if not impossible to implement with her on the scene.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Get some legal counsel to have the family court to set up child support payments. The children need at least one sane parent to look after their needs.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

turnera said:


> He chose to R, he chose to invest in two more children, he MADE his choice to forgive you and create a life together. Cheating is now on HIM.


Precisely. As hers was on her. They clearly are not for each other and probably time to part ways.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

I agree with Vellocet. It is on both of them. She planted the poisonous plant, he consumed it and got poisoned. He never fully healed but made like he did and now he's lost his mind when he could have gotten better treatment if he was honest. 

This is a bad marriage, both sides need to divorce. Then maybe some IC on how to be better parents and better people. Then next time, with whoever they get together with, they will provide a much more stable life for their kid.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Ideally BOTH of you should commit to bettering yourselves, your husband needs it as well but he is not here for me to urge him to get into counseling. OP, get into counseling for yourself. Though your affair is in the past, there MAY be unresolved issues that could sabotage your future and your children's. Good luck.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

To the OP, obviously, your married was torpedoed in the first year by your behavior.

But to add insult to that injury your husband seems to have taken you back without truly processing his anger and hurt over the affair.. Instead, he kept a slow burn going and secretly took his revenge on you by cheating too.

At this point i think you ought to throw in the towel. Your guilt may make you want to hold it together if you can.

Your focus now should be on your children, the newest one on the way.

Please consult with an attorney and see what your options are.

I am sure you are filled with regrets over what might have been. 

You can learn from this over time, but right now focus on protecting the interests of your children.

Stay healthy.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The OP does not need critiques she needs our advice, guidance and help to deal with the fact that a marriage guidance counsellor has abused her training and skills to entrap her husband and to steal the father of three children. 

OP, I have sent you a PM regarding the licensing authority for marriage guidance counsellors in Texas.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

convert said:


> you are not helping the OP here
> stay on track


:iagree:


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

this thread is starting to become divisive again. The OP is no saint. The husband is far from it too. But let's stop attacking each other. I think AMP already told us to stop. 

Lets take a minute and put ourselves in each of their shoes. 

Since BB hasn't come back, this is all argument at this point. Not good.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bb, how are you doing? What are you doing?


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bb I'm sorry you've been attacked on this thread, unfortunately cheaters aren't treated very well around here because you're in a den of betrayed spouses and relationship partners and they 'trigger' when they read stories such as yours and they unload on you because they can't direct their anger toward the real source. 

You need to consider the source when reading such posts and try not to let them bother you.

If it's any consolation posters like happi_g_more2 aren't allowed to stick around very long.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I hope bb hasn't been chased off.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

thanks Amp for cleaning up the most divisive posts that weren't needed here.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

and BB, if you are wondering what happened in your absence, as Altawa duly notes above, certain disgusting posts that were personal attacks against other posters were removed either by the poster themselves or the moderators in order to clean up the thread. So if you are wondering what everyone is talking about, that is it.

Good luck to you.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I saw your post on cheaterville. Did u report her to the state lic board? I am guessing she is either an LMFT or LPC


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bb did not post on Cheaterville. Apparently OW had angered several people, one of whom decided to post on Cheaterville.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I cleaned up this thread some more. 

Please give advice to the OP. If the thread is a trigger, please don't post. 

Stop bickering with each other. Continue to do so and bans will be handed out until morale improves.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Amp I am not able to access my computer for a while so I can't see if bb is active on TAM. 

I hope she hasn't been chased off. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Amp I am not able to access my computer for a while so I can't see if bb is active on TAM.
> 
> I hope she hasn't been chased off.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The last time she was active is March 11th, she's due soon in a week for now. I hope she can put her focus on the baby first

Too bad i was late, i want to know this sociopath ow but by the time i wanted to check cheaterville already went straight to bullyville.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Daniel. said:


> The last time she was active is March 11th, she's due soon in a week for now. I hope she can put her focus on the baby first
> 
> Too bad i was late, i want to know this sociopath ow but by the time i wanted to check cheaterville already went straight to bullyville.


OW is a qualified marriage guidance counsellor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> OW is a qualified marriage guidance counsellor.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



That is very scary. 

I know there are good MCs out there but at the same time, I hear war stories about them both here and among my friends. I don't think I could go to one if I ever had another D-Day, which hopefully never happens.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

wmn1 said:


> That is very scary.
> 
> I know there are good MCs out there but at the same time, I hear war stories about them both here and among my friends. I don't think I could go to one if I ever had another D-Day, which hopefully never happens.


Not the first MC heard of on TAM for doing this. Probably not the last. I just hope bb can report her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

MattMatt said:


> Not the first MC heard of on TAM for doing this. Probably not the last. I just hope bb can report her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree Matt. She needs to lay the wood to her. There is a thread on another site where a MC encouraged swinging as a way to 'spice things up' and tore the couple in two. Who does that ??????

I have always learned that if two people just chill and give each other uninterrupted time to talk and put all on the table, sometimes with a third person ref sometimes without, it can be resolved without MC. 

In this case, either the guy just said 'screw it, I'll get mine' from day one after her affair or it festered in him and he ultimately grew bad or he didn't trust counselors and refused or fourth, he's just a complete jacka$$. I don't think MC would work in this case and even if it would, who knows what kind of MC they would get. I keep thinking back to Kingwood Kev's first MC. Wow.

But as I said, there are good ones too. Good and bad in every field but in fields like these, it does more damage when they are bad.

I think BB should report


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

She prob had her baby. This is her third....any babies after the first often arrive early.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I apologize for my absence. I wasn't chased off but I did have my baby last Monday. I came back a few days ago to read some of the posts, but several were a little daunting for me to reply to given my newfound joy with my precious little one, so I decided to give it a few more days.

To answer a few of the questions that I can recall-

My husband and I got together when were just 19 & 20. It started out as something fun and quickly turned serious. We were two college kids who found ourselves pregnant within just four months of being together. We decided to try to do the right thing by making the best of it and ended up getting married when I was 9 months along. Was it the smartest decision? No, but we felt happy together and wanted our baby to grow up in an intact home (yes, an immature thought process; I realize that now). 

I did not cheat on him when our child was 'just a few months old'. He was over a year. I have no other excuses for it. I made a terrible decision with an old friend of mine that has wrecked my life at my own doing. I am no victim here. I fully accept that. I planted the seed, as someone mentioned. My biggest hurt comes from thinking we were truly R'ing when it's obvious that he was still resentful towards me. He had every reason to be. I truly hurt him. But I tried all that I could when we got back together (a year post separation) to make things right. I offered counseling and he declined, so I had a year's worth of IC myself. What did I learn? Well, not much besides what felt obvious to me (child abuse survivor, sexually promiscuous because of a male relative abuse for several years). I didn't feel like I was learning anything new. I knew I was damaged, but what I didn't know was why I made such terrible decisions when it came to men. I tried two different counselors and it seems that once each of them learned of my childhood, they chose to focus on that instead of my current situation and the choices I made in the present. 

Aside from counseling, my phone, email, and all social media accounts were open books to him. He knew my passwords and I never hoarded my phone. It was a mutual agreement for me to leave it in the open when I left the room. That was for the first couple years of our newly rekindled marriage, but even beyond that, all accounts were an open book to him.

As for why I even discussed my A with my girl friends? M asked a couple of very distinct questions that I wanted to clear up, such as if I had any contact with him presently and if I ever regretted ending my relationship with him. Both I felt compelled to square away, but now that I think about it, I do wonder if he put her up to those particular questions. In no way, shape, or form was I reliving my experiences with them regarding my A. Was it still in bad taste? Maybe. I can't take it back, though, and I'm not so sure I would. She got very honest answers from me that made it more than transparent that I hadn't had any communication with him in over 4 years and that my only regret was betraying my marriage vows. 

I have not reported her yet, although I've gone back and forth with the idea of doing so. I just did not know if it was a petty thing to do. She is an intern under a Counselor Supervisor for the time being.

Oh, and as for exposing my husband's A to my children? I was simply following protocol from another forum. And also, my son is aware of what I did in my past, too. He has some slight memories of when my husband and I were separated and I told him the truth. That I betrayed my marriage vows and had a boyfriend when I only should have been with his daddy. I told him that I hurt his dad so much that I moved out of the house to give him space to heal, and that after a year we both decided we wanted to work things out. 

Cheaterville. I did not create that profile. Someone close to me did, although I still have no idea who. I haven't asked around because truthfully I do not care who did it. OW and my husband both know about it. She found it this past Wednesday and called my husband in hysterics over it. He believes it wasn't me because I have proof photos of them leaving the hotel room together and he thinks that, if it had been me who created it, I would have posted those as proof. I won't do that. The only person I will send them to is OW's counselor supervisor should I decide to report her. That's what matters most to me.. that she loses the ability to counsel hurting couples when she's guilty of having an affair with a married man herself. 

I believe someone also asked if she was married. She isn't. She is single with no children.


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

I do not think it would be petty to report. The board will decide the best course of action. File a complaint w/ lpc board of examiners in yiur state.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Congrats on the baby


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## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Was your husband there for the birth? Has he seen the baby?


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## RespectWalk (Mar 16, 2015)

Cheaters do live complicated lives. Oh what a tangled web we weave...


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Congratulations on the birth of your baby. I hope you are doing well.

I agree that is is the right thing to do to report the woman to her supervisor and licensing board. There must be an ethics code they are required to adhere to. You don't need to do it out of vengeance, but so couples won't waste their money on her.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

bb1984 said:


> I apologize for my absence. I wasn't chased off but I did have my baby last Monday. I came back a few days ago to read some of the posts, but several were a little daunting for me to reply to given my newfound joy with my precious little one, so I decided to give it a few more days.
> 
> To answer a few of the questions that I can recall-
> 
> ...


bb1984:

I feel bad for both of you, and your kids. yes I have no problem shaming adulterers but you seem to be plently self-critical in any case.

It could actually be that neither your cheating nor your husband's cheating is the fundamental cause of your breakup. young people that discover an unplanned pregnancy, with that being the prime reason for marriage, don't have the luxury of considering their future mate simply from the point of view of love or passion. but it turns out that those are really the only factors that can lead to/predict a successful marriage IMO. 
good luck bb.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Well, chaos has erupted tonight.

I reported OW to her counselor supervisor this afternoon and, while I got no response back, apparently something was said to her, as I received a scathing call from T tonight. Lots of verbal threats were made regarding withdrawing financial support, etc. I know that, legally, he cannot do that, but it looks as if I'll be hiring an attorney ASAP. 

I'll just tell myself this is for the best.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is for the best. That woman needed to be reported, and no one else could do it. Your karma will be coming at some point.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

turnera said:


> Your karma will be coming at some point.


Haven't I already received it?


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

You made the correct call in reporting her. Don't second guess the decision no matter the storm he blows. 

Don't be surprised if he does an about face tomorrow or soon there after. He will realize for all his "threats" he cant really do any of it. He will try and be nice to cool down the situation. 

I am sorry that he has chosen this avenue on you. You didn't deserve this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your good karma. 

For putting her on notice and maybe helping other people.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

bb1984 said:


> Well, chaos has erupted tonight.
> 
> I reported OW to her counselor supervisor this afternoon and, while I got no response back, apparently something was said to her, as I received a scathing call from T tonight. Lots of verbal threats were made regarding withdrawing financial support, etc. I know that, legally, he cannot do that, but it looks as if I'll be hiring an attorney ASAP.
> 
> I'll just tell myself this is for the best.


This woman should be nowhere near families. Good work!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Congratulations on your new child!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

rmontgomery said:


> yes and no. While what you did was wrong, you tried to fix things, you did everything in your power to make things right and you have built your relationship into what should be a rock solid marriage. You changed your ways and I applaud you for that. I know if you could go back and do things differently when you had the affair, you would.
> 
> None-the-less, he had a decision to make and if he harbored this deep resentment, he should have made that decision a long time ago and didn't. Instead, you got hit with years of false reconciliation hopes and then to be treated the way he is treating you now is icing on the cake.
> 
> ...


Absolutely she must do what's best for herself and her children, but she must never lose sight of the fact that regardless of his behavior, this is a mess of her own making, and his bad behavior now does not in any way minimize or excuse her behavior before.

Sometimes, no matter how much someone wants it, there is no recovering from infidelity, and the cheater has no one to blame but themselves.


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> but she must never lose sight of the fact that regardless of his behavior, this is a mess of her own making, and his bad behavior now does not in any way minimize or excuse her behavior before.


I disagree, this whole mess (cheating with MC, walked out on pregnant wife, multiple affair) is ON HIM. He decided to talk to OW, he decided to sleep with OW, he decided to walk out on his pregnant wife and did it in front of their crying children (poor kids ). The first mess is on her, but this one is on him. 
He should've walked away and divorce instead of pretending that everything was fine, kept bringing innocent babies only later to walked out when he found new woman. The new baby was born straight into broken home, with the father handed out empty threat that he won't pay support. Coward fool


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Daniel. said:


> I disagree, this whole mess (cheating with MC, walked out on pregnant wife, multiple affair) is ON HIM. He decided to talk to OW, he decided to sleep with OW, he decided to walk out on his pregnant wife and did it in front of their crying children (poor kids ). The first mess is on her, but this one is on him.
> He should've walked away and divorce instead of pretending that everything was fine, kept bringing innocent babies only later to walked out when he found new fish. The new baby was born straight into broken home, with the father handed out empty threat that he won't pay support. Coward


He should not have done those things. He should have done the honorable thing and asked her to leave from the very beginning...absolutely agree.

It is possible, even likely that he could have ended up behaving just like this even if she had been on the straight and narrow, but we don't know that. What we do know is that this entire chain of events was started initially by her decision to be unfaithful. There are certainly all kinds of hypotheticals that could have led to this same place, with him acting in the same despicable way, and her behaving saintly. What happened in reality was her decision was the trigger for this chain of events.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

samyeagar said:


> .
> 
> What we do know is that this entire chain of events was started initially by her decision to be unfaithful.



No, we don't know that. Unless you personally know him or can read his mind there's no way you can know why he cheated. 

What we know is that she cheated and they reconciled... He agreed to a reconciliation. He doesn't get to put that on her. She didn't put a gun in his head he could have ended their marriage instead of bringing more kids if he was still unable to move on. 



samyeagar said:


> .
> 
> What happened in reality was her decision was the trigger for this chain of events.



Interesting. How do you know the above?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bb, What do you hope to get from this thread? Do you want to continue with people arguing over if you deserve this or not? Or are you looking for help in dealing with your currently situation? If you are done with the back and forth about whether you deserve the treatment you are getting from your husband or not, then I recommend you start a new thread and you specify in the OP (opening post) that you do not want that discussed. Then you can keep to the topic of getting the help and encouragement you need.
If you decide to do that, please post a link to your new thread.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

spinsterdurga said:


> No, we don't know that. Unless you personally know him or can read his mind there's no way you can know why he cheated.
> 
> What we know is that she cheated and they reconciled... He agreed to a reconciliation. He doesn't get to put that on her. She didn't put a gun in his head he could have ended their marriage instead of bringing more kids if he was still unable to move on.
> 
> ...



Selective quoting at it's finest.


bb1984...there is no question that your husbands behavior is deplorable in the extreme, and you should not feel any obligation to be treated this way. You need to do what's best for you and you kids without guilt.

I do however think it is important to examine the lessons learned, so as not to make the same decisions in the future. One of the biggest things with betrayal on the level of cheating is that there are always unforseen repercussions, sometimes immediate, sometimes much further down the road, sometimes deserved, sometimes not.

Reconciliation from one partners infidelity is often said to be a misnomer. That there is no true reconciliation, rather the death of the old relationship, and beginning of a new one. Things will never be the same.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Yah, I always think that cheating is a deal breaker and I still do.

Nevertheless, by your actions since, I think that you've earned forgiveness. He has not. You need to stop beating yourself up at this point.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

How are you doing, @Primrose?

(Just noticed that you'd changed your username.)

ETA: Edited to include @ tag. -GP 08/29/2015


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> How are you doing, @Primrose?
> 
> (Just noticed that you'd changed your username.)
> 
> ETA: Edited to include @ tag. -GP 08/29/2015


Hi there.

Yes, I did change my name. My previous username is a pretty common name I use online, and I really wanted more anonymity.

It's been 7 months since I've updated and a lot has gone on since.

1- My baby is now 7 months old and she's absolutely perfect.

2- My husband and I divorced and it was finalized the first week of this month. I ended up seeking a lawyer in May. It was a very expensive decision, but XH did not fight me at all and so it all went smoothly.

3- I dare say we are civil. The kids have adjusted very well and there have even been some happy times amongst all three children, XH & myself. 

4- He is still dating the OW, but their relationship is taking a turn for the worst. He has confided in a few people that he doesn't see it lasting.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You've learned a costly lesson. Dumbass decisions reap dumbass consequences. 

Now go find yourself a good man and don't allow this crap into your life ever again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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