# Oh god, please someone talk to me!



## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

I thought I had a great marriage to someone that understood me and really cared about me.

For the past 6 months, my wife had slept with 2 guys and have been romantic with several others. We've tried to work through the hurt that it has caused me. I have forgiven her each time, and tried to move on. 

We started counseling today, but instead of feeling like it was a process of healing things so we can have a happy marriage, it felt like more of an ambivalent discussion of how "everything will be ok with you, even if things dont work out". I dont want to loose my wife! And it wont be ok if I loose my marriage!! 
I felt like I got cloudy answers when I expected optimism and understanding.

She doesnt want to commit to staying with me, saying stuff like she isnt sure one way or the other. However, I'm told to have a fun week together anyway, and think positive thoughts?!?!?! 

HOW CAN I BE POSITIVE AT THIS TIME?

How can I "engage in hobbies and interests" to take my mind off of this? This is insane!

I keep begging her to not separate from me. Her only answer is "Im here now". So what about 7 months from now? How in Gods name am I going to live a life with the idea that my wife may not be there next year. That this may be our last Christmas together? I know that may sound bit much, but I'm just trying to get some language out of her to give me the impression that she wants to work through this, and not that she see leaving me as just a good an option as staying.

I feel like there is nothing I can say or do. She apparently has all of the power, even though I didnt do anything wrong. I'm just here to express how sad I feel, and hope she cares in the end.

I am terrified, and unable to function, and it seems like no one wants to see how I'm feeling. My head is spinning so bad, I cant barely type this.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

First off why did she feel the need to cheat?

draconis


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## Shelda (Dec 11, 2008)

Also why is she married to you? Marriage is commitment and ...


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

draconis said:


> First off why did she feel the need to cheat?
> 
> draconis




It always happened when she was really drunk, and she said that she felt caught up in the moment, and had a hard time saying no.

She tells me it has nothing to do with me, and that I'm nothing but "perfect" to her.


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

Shelda said:


> Also why is she married to you? Marriage is commitment and ...


When we got married, she was completely devoted to me. All of this stuff happened in the past 6 months out of 5 years being together.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> When we got married, she was completely devoted to me. All of this stuff happened in the past 6 months out of 5 years being together.


Anything huge life altering experiences in the past six months or months leading up to? Birth of a child? Death of a family member? Anything is might give insight into why she is doing this?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How well do you to communicate to each other?

It seems that she is giving you a hint in her responce that "she is here now" The fact that she does this while drinking is a red flag that she needs to quit drinking or quit drinking if you are not there.

draconis


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Anything huge life altering experiences in the past six months or months leading up to? Birth of a child? Death of a family member? Anything is might give insight into why she is doing this?


Nothing like that. She has made a large group of friends recently, that has given her a social life that she hadn't had before where she has gone out more than ever before. That is the only thing I can think of.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

Is the drinking excessive?


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

draconis said:


> How well do you to communicate to each other?
> 
> It seems that she is giving you a hint in her responce that "she is here now" The fact that she does this while drinking is a red flag that she needs to quit drinking or quit drinking if you are not there.
> 
> draconis


We talk all of the time. Nothing had been off limits. She had been the only person that I could totally open up to, and I always listen to everything she has to say.

The thing is that I dont know what she means when she says she is here now? I hear it as a evading answer. Yes, she's "here now", but does she want to be here next month? July? 2010?

My emotions are way to damaged for word games. I want to heal or marriage, not play "maybe" games until she decides to drop the other shoe. I cant function with ambiguity.


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Is the drinking excessive?


Yes.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> We talk all of the time. Nothing had been off limits. She had been the only person that I could totally open up to, and I always listen to everything she has to say.
> 
> The thing is that I dont know what she means when she says she is here now? I hear it as a evading answer. Yes, she's "here now", but does she want to be here next month? July? 2010?
> 
> My emotions are way to damaged for word games. I want to heal or marriage, not play "maybe" games until she decides to drop the other shoe. I cant function with ambiguity.


Yes, she is there now. I think you are looking for a guarantee that she will be there forever. Unfortunately there are absolutely no guarantees in life. Who is to stay that you won't change your mind by 2010? All we have is the here and now and we have to work with what we have today.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> Yes.


Has she always drank excessively? Do you think she realizes that she has an alcohol problem?


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Has she always drank excessively? Do you think she realizes that she has an alcohol problem?


She has eluded to it. I've had alcoholism in my family that was REALLY bad, and I didnt see her as being in the same league. But now I'm thinking that the alcohol may be what made all of this mess easier.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> She has eluded to it. I've had alcoholism in my family that was REALLY bad, and I didnt see her as being in the same league. But now I'm thinking that the alcohol may be what made all of this mess easier.


Do you think she would consider AA?


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> Yes, she is there now. I think you are looking for a guarantee that she will be there forever. Unfortunately there are absolutely no guarantees in life. Who is to stay that you won't change your mind by 2010? All we have is the here and now and we have to work with what we have today.



You're right. Maybe I'm just so scared that I'm looking at everything as being some sort of indicator of somthing. When your in this type of nightmare, it just seems like the only thing you can do.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

HangingOn-

So many people in the UK have a drink problem these days. As a rule I keep away from regular drinkers - people who have more than one glass of wine a day - EVERY day. 

Sooner or later you find that their life is a mess. And so many of their friends drink even more than them that they think it is normal. They are usually trying to blot out something.

Drink is a huge red flag. Be firm with her, and be firm with yourself. Don't put up with repeated bad behavior - she will not respect you if you do.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> You're right. Maybe I'm just so scared that I'm looking at everything as being some sort of indicator of somthing. When your in this type of nightmare, it just seems like the only thing you can do.


I am sure you are scared and it is totally justified, however be sure not to let it consume you or prevent you from really living.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

MarkTwain said:


> HangingOn-
> 
> So many people in the UK have a drink problem these days. As a rule I keep away from regular drinkers - people who have more than one glass of wine a day - EVERY day.
> 
> ...


I agree.

draconis


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## HangingOn (Dec 11, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> HangingOn-
> 
> Drink is a huge red flag. Be firm with her, and be firm with yourself. Don't put up with repeated bad behavior - she will not respect you if you do.


I'll try.


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## CPT CONFUSED (Oct 16, 2008)

not to hurt your feelings my friend but the excuse that drinking made her do it sounds like a cope out to me? people are well aware of what they do when they do it sorry to hear your going through a tough time we are here for you no matter what!


CPT


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

HangingOn said:


> I keep begging her to not separate from me. Her only answer is "Im here now".


I do think you need to reclaim some power for yourself in this situation or it will continue to drive you mad. Instead of begging her to stay, why not lay out your expectations of your marriage? She may be physically there at the moment, but if she continues going out drinking, she's not really there (meaning plugged into your marriage.) She is continuing to do as she wishes without regard for how she's disrespecting and hurting you.

I agree that there are no guarantees she will be there in 2010, but if she is fully plugged into your marriage, you wouldn't have daily fears about the future if you were happy in the present.

Forgiveness and the willingness to move forward are great to keep your marriage in tact, but she has to step up on her end to stop the behavior, regain your trust and show you she wants this to work. Otherwise, you will continue down this path of her hurting you, you forgiving her, etc. Eventually, you will tire of this and realize you deserve more.


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## Fas (Oct 7, 2009)

If your being rejected you gotta find out why? I am in the middle of my own hell. My husband rejected me for a girl 41 years his junior. You have to find out why? No one is perfect at relationships. I reject the notion you did nothing wrong. The person has you at a disadvantage by not oppeining up and being honest. If your partner can't tellyou why they are rejecting you it may be time to prepare for a life without that person and do it in a way that makes sense for you.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

She is saying she is "Here now". Because she got a taste of cheating and will absolutely do it again. She is totally non committal regarding doing it again. She knows that you love her and don't want her to leave. So she will eat cake as long as you let her. This is all up to you. The fact that she is an alcoholic is no excuse for her doing other guys. The alcohol just lets her enjoy it more because she doesn't feel guilt at all when she is liquored up. Someday you will see that your respect for yourself directly effects her respect for you. You cannot love someone if you don't respect them. And she definitely doesn't respect you. You need to cut off any and all finances from her. File for divorce and then lay down the law. If she doesn't change......divorce her.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

HangingOn, I am sorry for what you are going through, I know it's very painful and emotionally draining. With that said, I am going to have to agree with Init. Give her a wake up call. Lay it out for her; "Man Up' and don't allow her to do these things. You need to let her see that you have some dignity and that her behavior is totally unjustified. If laying it out for her as Init said does not rattle her at all now, it will later once she finds out what a mistake she's made. Either way, work to make yourself better, look better, etc. but the important thing is your self respect. You can not force her to change her actions but you sure as h&^ll can change yours. Maybe she will see that as a redeeming quality in you and come back to your marriage - if you can call it a marriage right now. The worst thing you can do is grovel and beg - it makes you look weak. Sorry, I know it sounds harsh. Try to get your mind thinking around you and how you can become more attractive to others. That might get her thinking.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

And if none of the above looks good to you, at least get a new marriage counselor. Thinking happy thoughts and going bowling together are not my idea of how to save a marriage.


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## fellbetrayedinkc (Oct 5, 2009)

Hanginon,

I heard a similar line "I'm here now" or "I am here with you" But the questions is are they really here? Physically yes, but emotionally no. 

I feel for you and if she continue to go after flings, than she is not committed to you. It is hard I am dealing with something similar and I do not know when it will get better.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Hangingon, you might not like me after this but here goes. You need to grow a pair and set some ground rules that are firm and have consequences. If she does not like that then lawyer up and get rid of her. 1) stop all drinking and going out, 2) start counseling asap, 3) no contact with other men whatsoever. These are just a start and you should come up with more. Let her know if she is not willing to repair the marriage then you are willing to end it.


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## Tryinghard12 (Oct 23, 2009)

HangingOn said:


> HOW CAN I BE POSITIVE AT THIS TIME?
> 
> How can I "engage in hobbies and interests" to take my mind off of this? This is insane!
> 
> ...


I know it sounds insane but you have to be strong and positive. IF you act like a sniveling little baby that is how she will see you and that will not earn you any points. Remind her why she married you in the first place thru your actions. You give her the power by acting helpless. Your life is not over. I know it sucks and don't mean to be harsh but that is how it is. 

That does not mean you let her off the hook though.


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## scillabr (Oct 27, 2009)

I had a similar thing going on in my life....

She still in love with you ? Im pritty sure its the new social life...that makes people change specially if she was never used to going out as much . I would go out with her more often and try to enjoy the night together ...go out have fun show her that u can also be fun and be there with her while shes out with her new friends. Make new friends for uself...let her see that . Maybe is the fact she got bored with the life u both had and is trynig somthing new , diff . Give her that it might help


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

Anybody notice that hangingon's last post on this was almost a year ago?


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## lorithehun (Sep 22, 2009)

cody5 said:


> Anybody notice that hangingon's last post on this was almost a year ago?


I've done that twice now... (responded to posts that were way old)... hahahha...


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