# My stepdaughter told my husband that I was not allowed to attend her HS graduation



## gwenof3

My story is too long to write here. My stepdaughter has told me (texted-she never speaks to my face) that I have destroyed her family by marrying my husband (we met a year after his divorce was final and after his ex married the man she had an affair with and was pregnant with the child of). There is nothing that I can do right in her eyes. I am terrified of her. She has many times embarrassed and humiliated me. I almost died last year after a surgical complication and she did not visit or speak to me. 

My husband has been ineffective in defending me. He advertises himself as 'stuck in the middle' in the hopes that no one looks to him or gets angry at him. I love my husband and his mother and father and his aunt and uncle and try to cultivate good relationships with them only to see her sabotage every relationship I have with them. This is particularly hurtful as I don't have family of my own. 

I have a question...My stepdaughter (who lives about 20 mins away with her mother) asked my husband if I was coming to her HS graduation. He said probably not. She told him I was not to attend, even though it was a major family event, everyone would be in from out of town to attend, and there are no attendance limitations at her high school...also my DH was hosting the graduation brunch. For the first time (he admits this as well) he stood by me and held his ground. He told her that I am his wife, and if he attends that means that I may attend as well. 

My stepdaughter did not like this. She told him 
he is not to attend her graduation as well. She told him that he is not to get her a graduation gift, or have contact. My husband told her that he will cancel the brunch then. 

My husband then came in the door and said to me (I didn't even know he was on the phone) and told me, 'are you happy now I chose this hill to die on'. When I found out (he wouldn't speak to me for the entire night and put his back to me in the farthest spot of the bed from me) I told him how bad this made me feel and he told me that 'it's all about you isn't it'. 

He told me that in his family, this means not that he simply stated that if his wife couldn't come he wouldn't come...he told me that this meant that he disinherited her. He said that he no longer has a relationship with her, and disowned her. He said that his family will not understand, and that he is not 'persona non grata'. 

I don't understand. He stated that not all families are like how I treat my children and that this is more than him standing by me that this is a disownment. He wont speak to me. He wont smile. He won't touch me. He left today for hours in the middle of Mother's Day to 'go drive' while he left his phone here so that I couldn't get hold of him...he left in the middle of a Denver snowstorm. He made me the Mother's Day dinner and didn't speak or look at me. I have cried all day.

Is this unreasonable to say to him that to the average outsider, this doesn't constitute a disownment and if anything,that she disowned him? And also, does this 'standing by me' warrant the kind of treatment I have received? I don't understand and I am utterly devastated and tortured. I feel as if I am a terrible horrible person. Do I have a right to feel this way? Do I have a right to tell him that he is treating me bad? That he is overdramatizing this and is behaving immarturely? Or is this my fault? I don't understand having never had this happen. (we have been married two years and his children (11, 14, 17) despise me. I have not been hated before now and now sincerely question my own worth and goodness in this world).

Thank you. Gwendolyn


----------



## tom67

It sounds like mom has brainwashed the kids and I have no idea why your husband is blaming you.
Why is it okay for mom to remarry but not dad?:scratchhead:


----------



## frusdil

Oh Gwen, I am so sorry. I can hear your heartbreak in your post 

I don't understand why your husband is treating you this way either. It makes no sense. 

It does sound like the mother has really alienated the kids against you. Does your husbands daughter know why her parents marriage ended? Maybe he needs to tell her.


----------



## 3Xnocharm

If he had talked with you first about this issue with her graduation, what would you have told him? Would you have said that he needed to go without you, or would you have insisted that he miss it if you were not attending? I dont know the history of your relationship, so I am curious what your reaction would have been. Seems like he chose a bad time to stand up for you, a HS graduation is a huge thing in your child's life, and I feel like he should not miss it. What are your thoughts on it?


----------



## manticore

so sorry about your situation, if the facts are as you describe them, you have done nothing wrong and you stepdaughter is being a destructive force in your husband life.

question

how does your stepdaughter treats the situation with her mother and his husband (who was the OM), if she have no problem with them, then definitly she is sort of brainwashed and you are not relevant in the equation, is any woman who would have dated your H would have been the enemy.

have you tries to talk heart to heart with your stepdaughter asking her (just being the two of you) if she would be sincerely happy if her dad would spend the rest of his life alone, that if she really believes that her dad and her mom would be together again after her mother married and have a child with another man?


----------



## tom67

manticore said:


> so sorry about your situation, if the facts are as you describe them, you have done nothing wrong and you stepdaughter is being a destructive force in your husband life.
> 
> question
> 
> how does your stepdaughter treats the situation with her mother and his husband (who was the OM), if she have no problem with them, then definitly she is sort of brainwashed and you are not relevant in the equation, is any woman who would have dated your H would have been the enemy.
> 
> have you tries to talk hearth to hearth with your stepdaughter asking her (just being the two of you) if she would be sincerely happy if her dad would spend the rest of her life alone, that if she really believes that her dad and her mom would be together again after her mother married and have a child with another man?


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If his kids don't know the truth about the divorce it is his obligation to tell the 2 older ones and stop the deflecting of blame on you and look in the mirror.


----------



## EleGirl

As others have asked, what does your step daughter know about who her parents broke up?

Has your husband ever sat her down and told her the truth and flat out told her that she needs to show respect to you?

Your husband is her father. He should show up at the graduation and let her know what she does not control her parents. Not only should he show up, but he should show up with you. A text to her beforehand telling her that she is his daughter and he darn well will be at her graduation and he will have his wife with him.

I certainly would not allow any of my children to treat me like this. Nor would I allow them to treat someone I loved this way.


----------



## AliceA

This whole situation sounds incredibly strange. You weren't in the picture at all through the breakup or divorce, you had nothing to do with it, yet it appears that they've focused on you as the person to blame for everything. It's insane. They would literally have to be insane to think this way imo.

What happened when you met him? Did your DH change his visiting times with them at all or start treating them differently after he met you?

His own treatment of you is also mind boggling. He sounds like he's also blaming you for a situation he and his daughter created.

To be honest, if this is the reality of your situation, you should RUN far far away. This family is sick and twisted. It's no wonder he's divorced, plus, his kids learned their behaviour from somewhere. Think about that.


----------



## EleGirl

breeze said:


> This whole situation sounds incredibly strange. You weren't in the picture at all through the breakup or divorce, you had nothing to do with it, yet it appears that they've focused on you as the person to blame for everything. It's insane. They would literally have to be insane to think this way imo......


It's not really all that strange. Children often irrationally blame the wrong parent for the breakup. They will often blame any step parent. I've been through this in my own life. When I married my husband in 2000, his wife had abandoned him and the children a few years before. I met him after she left and after the divorce was final. But his children, ages 10 and 12, blamed me for breaking up their parents. 

The way children see often is that if the step parent did not exist, their parents could get back together. So the step parent is standing in the way of the great family reconciliation.

Further, children often do not like their step parents. People make the mistake of thinking that if they choose to love someone, their children will just love that person too. Well a child has no reason to even like a step parent. They did not chose to have this person enter into their lives. 

Children are selfish creatures. They do not usually want to compete with someone new for their parents.


----------



## PBear

How long have you been married? My first thought is that if your husband would have stood up for you earlier and set the tone of the relationship properly, thus wouldn't be an issue now. 

In any case, it is what it is now. Perhaps marriage counselling or even a family counsellor (preferably WITH the daughter, but without if she won't attend) might help.

C


----------



## Cooper

Your husbands treatment of you presently is way off the mark, but understand his feelings. In his eyes he feels he has just lost his daughter, the girl he has cherished and raised, think how that would feel to a father. I'm not defending his actions, I'm just pointing out that right now he is an emotional basket case wondering how the hell things have got so out of hand. He has tried to remain neutral because he didn't want to ever chose between the two of you, and now the worst has happened.

I'm not sure why the daughter has focused her hostility on you, seems strange to me that she accepts her moms relationship but not her dads, but once the hate started it just became habit for her. Maybe she never had a great relationship with dad as she was growing up and now she can wash him out of her life by focusing her dislike on you. Maybe mom has brain washed her, or maybe you have done or said something, maybe she's jealous of his love for you. The daughter may not fully understand her own feelings, but once those feelings took root it can be hard for her to see differently. 

I'm thinking dad needs to sit the daughter down and find out what's going on, and how to fix it. She can't ask dad to chose, she needs to learn how to compromise and be civil, and look at the big picture of family harmony. If dad won't do it than maybe you need to have a talk with her, find out what her reasoning is, it may be a painful conversation but you can't solve a problem if you don't know where to start.

As for the graduation....this is a big day for a kid, and for the parents, I agree with cancelling the brunch if you can't attend, but I think dad should still attend the graduation. He doesn't need to join in any of the after graduation festivities but I think he needs to be at the ceremony and you need to encourage him to go.


----------



## Omego

It sounds like a power thing as well. It's like a predator-victim scenario. Your H is clearly weak -- maybe his self esteem took a hit because he got cheated on and left by his wife, and your stepdaughter is just downright mean. She is clearly frustrated with her life (jealously over new baby? who knows?) and needs a victim. In this case, it's you.

I wouldn't count on your H to do anything else. Stand up for yourself. If he doesn't like it, he can go. She has no right to text you mean things without him calling her on it. No right whatsoever. 

I'm sorry you are so sad, but you'll feel worse if you let your step daughter walk all over you. Don't let her push you to the breaking point.


----------



## jld

Let's say it is 2024, and you and your stepdaughter have a great relationship. When she looks back on her high school graduation, what do you want her memory to be?


----------



## Honeybee2

I find your husband to be weak. He needs to tell his daughter that she isn't going to dictate who does what in the family. If she were my daughter, I'd be sure and let her know that she wasn't raised to be mean and I'd point out that her behavior was mean. That said, if I were your husband, I'd go to the graduation and bring you and still have the brunch. Ignore what she says. Its childish. Don't play into it. Its not "her day". Its a family day. No, she didn't choose to have you as a stepmother. But guess what? She didn't choose her parents either. And when she married one day and wants her family to accept and celebrate her marriage, its not like her father will say, "I don't like him, I didn't choose him." 

Stonewalling is cruel. Blaming you is cruel. He married you. He needs to stand by you AND he need to stand by his daughter. He can't act like is in the middle, that is a cop out. He is the only one with the capability to be a leader here. Its up to him to fiercely love and stand up for and unite his daughter and his new wife. Its his responsibility. IN this case, he is hurting everyone including himself. His daughter will never stop loving him. Its a fact. But the way he allows his daughter to act will be how she acts toward everyone. By refusing to go based on supporting you, he is not teaching her anything about people. You all need to suck it up and do the events together. He needs to be a man, be a leader. He can't make her respect you. You deserve more than respect. You deserve kindness.


----------



## DoF

OP, you got yourself into a big mess, and I simply think that you are starting to find out why his ex cheated on him.....


----------



## EleGirl

Gwen, could you give us an update?


----------



## turnera

Cooper said:


> Your husbands treatment of you presently is way off the mark, but understand his feelings. In his eyes he feels he has just lost his daughter


Say what? HE started it by saying he probably wouldn't be going to see her graduate anyway. To which she _then _replied your wife isn't welcome. Doesn't sound like he's deserving the father of the year award.


----------



## turnera

It was his choice to 'finally' stand by you. If he had done this years ago, you three would have had a relationship by now. You don't deserve his anger.


----------



## SadSamIAm

My guess is that your husband has always felt like he is in the middle and he has been trying to please both you and his daughter. He has probably been weak and not done a very good job at being in the middle.

I also guess that both you and his daughter have shown great anger towards him for 'not supporting' them, when he has been weak because he doesn't want to disappoint either of you.

He is angry at you now because he feels you have forced him to pick a side that he didn't want to have to pick. 

He was weak, he went about it wrong, but he was trying to please you both.

He should have sat his daughter down and told her the entire story. How you had nothing to do with the marriage breakup. That you weren't even in the picture when it happened.


----------



## Broken at 20

I think I can tell what is happening. 

The kids live with bio-mom. 
Bio-mom calls bio-dad a scum bag, a user, an abuser, and whatever else. She just bad mouths him, because she hates him. She doesn't have to have a reason. 
Her cheating, and divorcing him, and marrying the OM says everything about their relationship. 

It also likely means he didn't tell his kids that mommy was having sex with someone that wasn't daddy, and that mommy is a lying little slvt, and really trashy. He doesn't want to turn his kids against mommy.
So kids don't know why the marriage ended. So mommy tells them it is because daddy is rude and mean, and they believe her because he has never told them the truth. 

Therefore, the kids are already at arms-length with their father. 
Now, they are told they are getting a step-mom. Chances are, bio-mom hates stepmom. And badmouths her, and says what a b!tch she is, and how mean she is, etc. 
And since daddy's relation with the kids is already strained, they don't question it. They just follow it. 

So the kids don't want to meet step-mom, or even talk to her. They refuse to consider the step-mom part of their family, and they probably only tolerate their father's presence. 

First off, your husband has several issues he needs to fix. But that is another set of problems. 

Best way I see to fix this?
Tell the kids the truth, and that requires proof because they most likely, won't believe him. 
And it make take them some time to even accept it. Who honestly knows if they even will. Sounds like the mom has woven a web of lies around their entire lives. 

But until the ruse is exposed, and they realize who their mother is, and they see you in a different light, your relationship with them won't change.


----------



## EleGirl

Broken at 20 said:


> I think I can tell what is happening.
> 
> The kids live with bio-mom.
> Bio-mom calls bio-dad a scum bag, a user, an abuser, and whatever else. She just bad mouths him, because she hates him. She doesn't have to have a reason.
> 
> Her cheating, and divorcing him, and marrying the OM says everything about their relationship.
> 
> It also likely means he didn't tell his kids that mommy was having sex with someone that wasn't daddy, and that mommy is a lying little slvt, and really trashy. He doesn't want to turn his kids against mommy.
> 
> So kids don't know why the marriage ended. So mommy tells them it is because daddy is rude and mean, and they believe her because he has never told them the truth.
> 
> Therefore, the kids are already at arms-length with their father.
> 
> Now, they are told they are getting a step-mom. Chances are, bio-mom hates stepmom. And badmouths her, and says what a b!tch she is, and how mean she is, etc.
> 
> And since daddy's relation with the kids is already strained, they don't question it. They just follow it.
> 
> So the kids don't want to meet step-mom, or even talk to her. They refuse to consider the step-mom part of their family, and they probably only tolerate their father's presence.
> 
> First off, your husband has several issues he needs to fix. But that is another set of problems.
> 
> Best way I see to fix this?
> 
> Tell the kids the truth, and that requires proof because they most likely, won't believe him.
> 
> And it make take them some time to even accept it. Who honestly knows if they even will. Sounds like the mom has woven a web of lies around their entire lives.
> 
> But until the ruse is exposed, and they realize who their mother is, and they see you in a different light, your relationship with them won't change.


:iagree:


----------



## gwenof3

_[I]If he had talked with you first about this issue with her graduation, what would you have told him? Would you have said that he needed to go without you, or would you have insisted that he miss it if you were not attending? I dont know the history of your relationship, so I am curious what your reaction would have been. Seems like he chose a bad time to stand up for you, a HS graduation is a huge thing in your child's life, and I feel like he should not miss it. What are your thoughts on it? _[/I]

(3xnocharm)




Thank you 3XNocharm for your time in getting back to me...this is actually his decision...I didn't even know he made it but we had talked about it first, and for the sake of the comfort of all involved I was going to politely decline and not go for the sake of peace. The problem my husband (and I) have is that of the entire family coming (including those she makes fun of and dislikes) I was the only one chosen out of the group to very publically shun. My husband (at the time tnhis happened) took offense to my being singled out and then her subsequent expectation that he would enable it and show up without his spouse by his side...especially when he had paid for the festivities. 
If I had to be honest with myself and what I would feel if she had singled me out and instructed him not to bring me and then he spoke to me about it first...I don't know what I would do. I'd like to think that I would be able to stomach the humiliation without striking back and stating back that my husband wouldn't attend either. Maybe I would be gracious after the initial embarrassment. I truly don't know. On the other hand, the principled side of ne would maybe tell him to take a stand to defend me and not allow me to be singled out and tell her that we stand as one. I don't know. It's something I'd have to think and pray about.


----------



## gwenof3

manticore said:


> so sorry about your situation, if the facts are as you describe them, you have done nothing wrong and you stepdaughter is being a destructive force in your husband life.
> 
> question
> 
> how does your stepdaughter treats the situation with her mother and his husband (who was the OM), if she have no problem with them, then definitly she is sort of brainwashed and you are not relevant in the equation, is any woman who would have dated your H would have been the enemy.
> 
> have you tries to talk heart to heart with your stepdaughter asking her (just being the two of you) if she would be sincerely happy if her dad would spend the rest of his life alone, that if she really believes that her dad and her mom would be together again after her mother married and have a child with another man?


Hi thank you for your response. 

HI thank you for your response. Yes, I have tried heart to hearts, but both times she has been nice to me and then it seemed to go up in flames. Both times she reported to her mom different things than she did me; in both, outright lying that I had 'ganged up on her' and such. Now, I cannot see her or speak to her. She would ignore me on the street. Her two (also adolescent) brothers have and as they walked towards me I tried to say hi but they spread out and took the sidewalk and forced me and my then 4 year old daughter off of it in order for them to push through. They did not acknowledge my presence except for very smug looks on their faces). There is so much I could tell you! I looked around and researched and some of the things that have happened to me actually qualify as abuse. Alanna has even texted me taunts about my children and about being a loud '****er' and I need to shut up. (apparently they heard us one night- or says she did- and she texted not just me but her mom was over her shoulder). I was humiliated even as I go to buy her birth control that she needs because her father allows her to be sexually active in the house, and has even walked in on her topless with her pulling her shirt down and the guy running into the other room. The taunts and mocks could fill a page. I finally spoke to a lawyer about harassment laws and what I could do to live less fearful life and be able to look at my phone in peace. 

Her mother has also texted me taunts and cuss words and has called me 'gwennie-poo' in group texts that go to Alanna, my husband and me. Telling me its my evil plan all along and congratulating me for winning in getting my husband to abandon her daughter. I don't know what any of this means. I swear to god I have dropped everything I was doing when she was still talking to me in the beginning (but mocking everything from my cooking to my small children's speech impediments to my back) and go help her whenever she needed it. I spent so much money on her and even gave her my car when she was in a pinch. She would hug me and say 'you're the best' and I would almost be in tears so happy that she had finally accepted me only to have the next day have her treat me as if I am a worm and snarl and slam doors directly in my face without acknowledging the existence of my kids. I just don't understand.


----------



## gwenof3

tom67 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> If his kids don't know the truth about the divorce it is his obligation to tell the 2 older ones and stop the deflecting of blame on you and look in the mirror.



His kids DO know the truth. When my husband was working or on business trips Che would have her paramour sleep in his bed and when Alanna suspected something she would lie to her face and say that he is just a friend helping her out. 

But then she got pregnant and the town was small and my husband found out and she and he divorced and she immediately married the (illegal philipino immigrant) that she was pregnant with. (they apparently met onlne playing poker)

For over a year Alanna refused to speak to him and their own marriage finally began to have problems bc of alanna. But then I came along. Now Che and Alex and have problems with Alanna and she speaks to them just fine. Now, I am the one that destroyed her life (this is a verbatim line taken from a taunting text she sent me).


----------



## 3Xnocharm

You know what? If I were you, I would throw up my hands and leave this man. NO MAN IS WORTH this kind of sh!tty treatment! Especially if he is not defending you. I would say, okay you all win. What happens with him and his family after that is his problem. Sheesh. NO ONE deserves what you are dealing with.


----------



## gwenof3

EleGirl said:


> As others have asked, what does your step daughter know about who her parents broke up?
> 
> Has your husband ever sat her down and told her the truth and flat out told her that she needs to show respect to you?
> 
> Your husband is her father. He should show up at the graduation and let her know what she does not control her parents. Not only should he show up, but he should show up with you. A text to her beforehand telling her that she is his daughter and he darn well will be at her graduation and he will have his wife with him.
> 
> I certainly would not allow any of my children to treat me like this. Nor would I allow them to treat someone I loved this way.


Thank you I would love for this to happen. I cannot believe he is going to miss it because of me. I would love for him to ignore all this and show up anyway with me by his side.


----------



## turnera

gwenof3 said:


> Thank you 3XNocharm for your time in getting back to me...this is actually his decision...I didn't even know he made it but we had talked about it first, and for the sake of the comfort of all involved I was going to politely decline and not go for the sake of peace. The problem my husband (and I) have is that of the entire family coming (including those she makes fun of and dislikes) I was the only one chosen out of the group to very publicly shun.


I think that, if it was just attending the ceremony, it wouldn't have been a big deal for him to just go. But to say you can't be at an event that HE is presenting, that's just too much to ask of you two. And they would be jerks for assuming it was ok.


----------



## gwenof3

breeze said:


> This whole situation sounds incredibly strange. You weren't in the picture at all through the breakup or divorce, you had nothing to do with it, yet it appears that they've focused on you as the person to blame for everything. It's insane. They would literally have to be insane to think this way imo.
> 
> What happened when you met him? Did your DH change his visiting times with them at all or start treating them differently after he met you?
> 
> His own treatment of you is also mind boggling. He sounds like he's also blaming you for a situation he and his daughter created.
> 
> To be honest, if this is the reality of your situation, you should RUN far far away. This family is sick and twisted. It's no wonder he's divorced, plus, his kids learned their behaviour from somewhere. Think about that.



Thank you for your feedback. MY husband bought a bigger house to accommodate his kids and then the incoming three small children of mine. He saw his kids 50/50. Alanna threatened to move out if he married me (it wasn't personal at the time, she just didn';t want a change in her life). Paul to please her gave her and her brothers their own room and put all three of my small children into the smallest room of the house and their toys in storage to minimize impact on their lives. 

He spent the night before the wedding talking her down from a drama attack and then the day after the wedding she told him she was moving out while we were still in our marriage suite. Very tough situation. His younger son threatened to kill himself. (because a new rule had been enstated that he had to provide 24 hours notice before bringing a friend over) and he yelled 'this is all because of our relationship' and 'don't blame yourself'...'my decision to marry you is what destroyed my family not you'. somehow he thought that this would be better for me. 

It's gone very downhill from there. Alanna yelled at our minister during the rehearsal to take out the words 'and future children' from our marriage vows and paul said nothing and the minister took them out despite my broken look. Later, he threatened to withdraw love from me and love from our child if I 'forced him to keep his promise' and have a child with me before my health problems made it too late. I had a hysterectomy that I was pushed into. I will never recover from the terrible depression that ensued. I am begin seen my a psychologist now and am an antidepressents. But for my children I would be dead already. I cannot believe I am writing this. It's so sad and such a far cry from the proud, happy, hardworking, exercising, beautifully smiled woman I was. Now I am despondant and spend many hours just staring at walls, on Xanax to control rampant high blood pressure. It's so soul crushing to be so viciously hated. please god tell me what I did. Even begging god makes me feel like I'm a victim and advertisisng as such. So therefore, I shut myself off from the world and stay in bed, staring and starting. I have to fix something about myself before I die. How can one now 18 year old person do this (today is her birthday. I was not invited and told not to bring her a present)


----------



## gwenof3

PBear said:


> How long have you been married? My first thought is that if your husband would have stood up for you earlier and set the tone of the relationship properly, thus wouldn't be an issue now.
> 
> In any case, it is what it is now. Perhaps marriage counselling or even a family counsellor (preferably WITH the daughter, but without if she won't attend) might help.
> 
> C


My husband failed to any tone. He is terrified of her and won't anger her as her first move is to tell her mother and then her mother would literally call him names (or me). 

Also, counseling would not work as they would refuse to go. It would mean acknowledging I live and that just would not happen.


----------



## turnera

So...you have no kids with this man, he treats YOUR kids like Cinderella, and you are ostracized and abused by his entire family, and now HE is treating you like sh*t...explain to me why you are still there? And what are you teaching your kids?


----------



## gwenof3

***UPDATE***

My husband 'talked' with Alanna and 'made up with her'. What I found out this means is that they will still speak to each other. It also means that she accepts that he will not be at any of her graduation activities. I asked,' so this means that she would rather not see her father at her graduation rather than have to see me by his side'
He shrugged and said cryptically 'there are bad feelings on both sides'. I don't know why he said that and included me in the blame. Unlike her and her mother, I have never name called, cursed and taunted her or her mom. All I want is to be acknowledged as a human being with feelings.


----------



## gwenof3

EleGirl said:


> It's not really all that strange. Children often irrationally blame the wrong parent for the breakup. They will often blame any step parent. I've been through this in my own life. When I married my husband in 2000, his wife had abandoned him and the children a few years before. I met him after she left and after the divorce was final. But his children, ages 10 and 12, blamed me for breaking up their parents.
> 
> The way children see often is that if the step parent did not exist, their parents could get back together. So the step parent is standing in the way of the great family reconciliation.
> 
> Further, children often do not like their step parents. People make the mistake of thinking that if they choose to love someone, their children will just love that person too. Well a child has no reason to even like a step parent. They did not chose to have this person enter into their lives.
> 
> Children are selfish creatures. They do not usually want to compete with someone new for their parents.


:iagree::iagree:


----------



## 3Xnocharm

gwenof3 said:


> ***UPDATE***
> 
> My husband 'talked' with Alanna and 'made up with her'. What I found out this means is that they will still speak to each other. It also means that she accepts that he will not be at any of her graduation activities. I asked,' so this means that she would rather not see her father at her graduation rather than have to see me by his side'
> He shrugged and said cryptically 'there are bad feelings on both sides'. I don't know why he said that and included me in the blame. All I want is to be acknowledged as a human being with feelings.


Tell him to go to her graduation by himself. He will regret it if he doesnt, and will resent you even more, if thats possible. 

In reading your last post, I stand by my statement that you need to get out of this marriage. You never should have married him in the first place with the way his kids felt toward you. And him giving preference to his kids by squishing all of yours into ONE bedroom?? UNACCEPTABLE. Your kids deserve better than this. YOU deserve better than this. As I said, NO MAN is worth this. NO ONE.


----------



## tom67

gwenof3 said:


> ***UPDATE***
> 
> My husband 'talked' with Alanna and 'made up with her'. What I found out this means is that they will still speak to each other. It also means that she accepts that he will not be at any of her graduation activities. I asked,' so this means that she would rather not see her father at her graduation rather than have to see me by his side'
> He shrugged and said cryptically 'there are bad feelings on both sides'. I don't know why he said that and included me in the blame. Unlike her and her mother, I have never name called, cursed and taunted her or her mom. All I want is to be acknowledged as a human being with feelings.


:scratchhead:
Again why the double standard where it's fine for mom to have a so and not the father?
Wow.


----------



## gwenof3

I understand all of what you are saying and thanks for the inputs. my husband is incredibly conflict avoidant and refuses to make any one angry to take a stand; therefore, he takes no stands. I was actually in the army for 14 years...I have never met a man like Paul. He is a type A but refuses to lead or to make decisions. So instead, he is good at planting and setting up sitations where people do his bidding by him having them think the idea was there's in the first place. I don't know how he does this. But it makes him incredibly manipulative. As Paul puts it himself...'I never tell a lie... but I AM deceptive.'. 

Also FWIW, Paul has been diagnosed with narcissistic tendancies and Bipolar Type 2. I still haven't looked this up to find out what it means. But he does take anger management classes and is on a mood stabilizer now.  Since taking these things he no longer hits me or drags me into the room and throws me on the bed when he loses it. (happened three timnes in the marriage the first time was only 29 days into the marriage- I never saw it coming he was charming and seemed to make decisions when we were dating) All this has stopped and I no longer live in THAT kind of fear thank the good lord.


----------



## turnera

gwenof3 said:


> Unlike her and her mother, I have never name called, cursed and taunted her or her mom. All I want is to be acknowledged as a human being with feelings.


Why didn't you point that out?


----------



## DoF

3Xnocharm said:


> In reading your last post, I stand by my statement that you need to get out of this marriage. You never should have married him in the first place with the way his kids felt toward you. And him giving preference to his kids by squishing all of yours into ONE bedroom?? UNACCEPTABLE. Your kids deserve better than this. YOU deserve better than this. As I said, NO MAN is worth this. NO ONE.


This x100

I have a feeling there is some kind of co dependency going on or low self esteem though.....


----------



## turnera

3Xnocharm said:


> You never should have married him in the first place with the way his kids felt toward you. And him giving preference to his kids by squishing all of yours into ONE bedroom?? UNACCEPTABLE. Your kids deserve better than this. YOU deserve better than this. As I said, NO MAN is worth this. NO ONE.


Which makes me wonder even more, why you accept it?


----------



## gwenof3

Just an aside....This is my first time using these forums...I am technology resistant. Thank you all for such wonderful insight and answers. I am motivated to pay it back and forward and stay on the forums and help others out with their own issues. This is a wonderful way to connect. I invite any more insight from anyone on these matters.... Thank you!


----------



## coffee4me

*My stepdaughter told my husband that I was not allowed to attend her HS gradu...*

Name one positive thing you are you getting out of this relationship.

Him no longer physically abusing you does not qualify as a positive.


----------



## turnera

gwenof3 said:


> Since taking these things he no longer hits me or drags me into the room and throws me on the bed when he loses it. (happened three times in the marriage the first time was only 29 days into the marriage- I never saw it coming he was charming and seemed to make decisions when we were dating) All this has stopped and I no longer live in THAT kind of fear that the good lord.


WTH?

How long ago was the last time?


----------



## michzz

Broken at 20 said:


> \
> But until the ruse is exposed, and they realize who their mother is, and they see you in a different light, your relationship with them won't change.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## turnera

gwenof3 said:


> Just an aside....This is my first time using these forums...I am technology resistant. Thank you all for such wonderful insight and answers. I am motivated to pay it back and forward and stay on the forums and help others out with their own issues. This is a wonderful way to connect. I invite any more insight from anyone on these matters.... Thank you!


My insight is to get yourself to a psychologist qualified to treat abuse cases TODAY. WTH do you think you're teaching your kids by putting up with this crap? They are going to grow up to be either abusers or abuse victims just like you. How sad for them that you won't protect them from that. And everything else.


----------



## gwenof3

turnera said:


> My insight is to get yourself to a psychologist qualified to treat abuse cases TODAY. WTH do you think you're teaching your kids by putting up with this crap? They are going to grow up to be either abusers or abuse victims just like you. How sad for them that you won't protect them from that. And everything else.


Turnera...I'm crying as I write this...I was in a good marriage for 13 years to their father before miscarriage and the wars (4 deployments) destroyed our marriage...I guess no one ever wakes up and thinks 'I'll NOT be the one that when this happens stays and puts up with it'...
...for me, I think I just thought that love and patience and never giving up (keeping the 'light on for him') would eventually mean a better marriage. I never thought of it in the light of the insight I am getting today. I never thought that I was showing my children anything other than a woman that will continue to never give up on a person with problems. If they ever SAW me him hit me but they never did...I never saw myself as a person with low self esteem, just a devoted and loyal woman...but NOW I see how incredibly far I have fallen. 
In the words of my nine year old...my mind is 'blown'. I have to think so hard about the words that I am reading. There is wisdom in what you say...
...a sincere question Ternera...if he admits he has a problem, sees a psychiatrist, takes anger management classes and takes a mood stabilizer and the physical altercations have stopped (last one was 3 months ago then he saw a psychiatrist and was put on lamictal), should I wait and see if he CAN sustain as a more stable husband and man? How long should I wait? Or, have I waited too long already? He is STILL manipulative and very VERY good at being argumentative if I have a problem..within seconds he will have ME apologizing for him being upsetting to me in the first place. I don't know how much more fight I have in me. I genuinely need a fresh pair of eyes looking at this since sometimes a person to close to the fire can have tunnel vision and not be able to make a bigger picture decision.



PS: Also, his aunt who I am close to is a marriage and family therapist...she told me that when Paul and Alanna get together, they make 'the meanest duo that she has ever seen'. They feed off each other and are viciously cruel to the world even. There is no one that is out of their line of sight. Do you know the kind of person that even sees someone walking down the street or on TV and has a negative comment about that person and mocks them? That's Paul and Alanna. They have a strange relationship...it's not father daughter. It's more like man/surrogate wife. He acts helpless and she takes charge and takes care of him. When he married me, she told him that he 'abandoned her' without even thanking her for taking care of him after he 'broke up' with her by marrying me. I don't know but to me it's a little creepy. She also hangs on him in slinky clothing and will lean very provacately against him while they sip coffee and mock anyone and everything that goes by. It was always (before she refused to come to the house anymore because of me) made me very uncfomfortable as I went about the chores and had to walk in front of them and come under their scrutiny. I can see what her Aunt Sharyn means. It's incredibly strange and disconcerting.


----------



## PBear

Even if he stops the abuse, it's clear that you're a second class citizen in your relationship, and that's not going to change. I wouldn't tolerate that. And if my daughter was in a relationship like that, I'd be doing everything I could to get her out of it. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

I see NO REASON for you to be in the same house as him, especially since YOUR kids are being treated like crap. And trust me, THEY KNOW. And they wonder why their mommy loves this man more than them. And they also know he hurts you - physically and mentally - because YOU change who you are and how you react around him even if you don't mean to. Remember that you are their world, their sole support, and they watch you LIKE A HAWK. EVERY step, every word, every wince, every 'let's not upset John, ok kids?', all of it - you're teaching them to abuse or be abused.

If he really loves you, you can separate and you can help him get better from a separate home. And if he won't agree to that, then he doesn't really love you.

Frankly, I would NEVER live with a manipulative man; I know them, and I KNOW how soul-draining it is to live with a man who twists everything around until YOU believe YOU caused the problem. You have an obligation to your kids to be there for them. Don't let this man take that away.

btw, have you read this book?


----------



## turnera

PBear said:


> Even if he stops the abuse, it's clear that you're a second class citizen in your relationship, and that's not going to change. I wouldn't tolerate that. And if my daughter was in a relationship like that, I'd be doing everything I could to get her out of it.


Me too. Makes me wonder what happened in your FOO that taught you to accept it.


----------



## DoF

turnera said:


> I see NO REASON for you to be in the same house as him, especially since YOUR kids are being treated like crap. And trust me, THEY KNOW. And they wonder why their mommy loves this man more than them. And they also know he hurts you - physically and mentally - because YOU change who you are and how you react around him even if you don't mean to. Remember that you are their world, their sole support, and they watch you LIKE A HAWK. EVERY step, every word, every wince, every 'let's not upset John, ok kids?', all of it - you're teaching them to abuse or be abused.


This bring sup a lot of memories for me, thankfully there was no physical abuse but some mental for my mother.

Thankfully she seen the light at the end of the tunnel.....way too late, but at least she did!

In the end it worked out just fine, now she has a WAY better man that we accept and actually loves her/respects her etc.

OP, remove yourself and your children from abusive/hostile environment ASAP......at all cost!


----------



## 3Xnocharm

DoF said:


> This bring sup a lot of memories for me, thankfully there was no physical abuse but some mental for my mother.
> 
> Thankfully she seen the light at the end of the tunnel.....way too late, but at least she did!
> 
> In the end it worked out just fine, now she has a WAY better man that we accept and actually loves her/respects her etc.
> 
> OP, remove yourself and your children from abusive/hostile environment ASAP......at all cost!


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## gwenof3

thank you all. you rock. very kind of you to take time out of your day to show me insight that as someone sitting so close to the fire I couldn't see for myself. Lots to think about...Thanks again!


----------



## Cooper

So I want to amend my earlier post now that you have shared so much more info. 

From what I have read about your husband and his ex, and his bio children it seems his past family life was very dysfunctional. The ex is vindictive and manipulative, the kids are rude, selfish, manipulative and self entitled. Your husband has allowed all this to happen, he has become a doormat to his ex and bio kids. AND NOW....he brings his worthless parenting and marriage experience into your life. He makes you feel hurt and guilty because of his first families screwed up dynamics, he thinks nothing of treating your kids differently sending a clear message that both YOU and THEY are not important to him.

Think long term here gwenof3, is this the life you want for you and your kids? People can change but most times people keep repeating the same patterns, look at his history and look at his current actions. Only you can direct the coarse of your life, and for a time your children's lives. Consider your choices wisely.


----------



## EleGirl

gwenof3 said:


> Also FWIW, Paul has been diagnosed with narcissistic tendancies and Bipolar Type 2. I still haven't looked this up to find out what it means.


You need to look up these diagnosis.

Here is a write-up that will give you a good quick overview of Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Narcissistic Personality Disorder Symptoms | Psych Central


Some of the things that you write about him seem to fit….
Looking down on others .. they way he and his daughter do this. Perhaps she also has this disorder.

Lacking in empathy.. he, his daughter, his sons and his ex all seem to lack common, human empathy
Manipulative – you talked about this as well. People who are narcissists generally see other people as a serving their needs… a way to get what they want. 

Anger when they don’t get their way

Bi-Polar 2
Bipolar II Disorder: Symptoms, Treatments, Causes, and More



gwenof3 said:


> I never saw it coming he was charming and seemed to make decisions when we were dating) All this has stopped and I no longer live in THAT kind of fear thank the good lord.


Charm is another thing that narcissist tend to use to suck people in. A lot of con artists are narcissist. 



gwenof3 said:


> I never thought of it in the light of the insight I am getting today. I never thought that I was showing my children anything other than a woman that will continue to never give up on a person with problems.


Your husband has been diagnosed with disorders that will never be cured. Meds and therapy can help him some. But he will never be cured. 

And who is working with his daughter, sons and ex to handle their issues. It sounds to me like the whole lot of them suffer from the same mental illnesses.

Look at what not giving up on this person has done to you so far in so short a time. Is it really worth it to destroy yourself? In your current condition, how well can you really take care of your own children. You are already letting them be treated poorly. 

You are letting yourself be treated poorly. And you are letting your children watch you be treated poorly. What are they learning? They are learning that the people in their lives who have the most power get it by abusing others. So if they want power in their life this is the example they will lose. If you stay around this man and his abusive family much longer your children are going to grow up to either be abusers and behave like your husband and his kids… or they are going to subject themselves to relationships in which they are abused. I know you don’t want that for your kids. 

Teach your children to look out for themselves. Teach them that they deserve to not be treated poorly. And they sure don’t need to behave like your husband, his kids and ex-wife. You teach them this by you leaving this relationship. And when you leave, you sit them down and tell them why you are leaving. Tell them that the situation was bad. That he and his kids were mistreating you and them. That you love them too much too allow them to be treated this way. They need this. It’s called being a sympathetic witness. It reassures the children that their feelings that things were not good, that they were mistreated and it’s not their fault.


----------



## frusdil

gwenof3 said:


> Turnera...I'm crying as I write this...I was in a good marriage for 13 years to their father before miscarriage and the wars (4 deployments) destroyed our marriage...I guess no one ever wakes up and thinks 'I'll NOT be the one that when this happens stays and puts up with it'...
> ...for me, I think I just thought that love and patience and never giving up (keeping the 'light on for him') would eventually mean a better marriage. I never thought of it in the light of the insight I am getting today. I never thought that I was showing my children anything other than a woman that will continue to never give up on a person with problems. If they ever SAW me him hit me but they never did...I never saw myself as a person with low self esteem, just a devoted and loyal woman...but NOW I see how incredibly far I have fallen.
> In the words of my nine year old...my mind is 'blown'. I have to think so hard about the words that I am reading. There is wisdom in what you say...
> ...a sincere question Ternera...if he admits he has a problem, sees a psychiatrist, takes anger management classes and takes a mood stabilizer and the physical altercations have stopped (last one was 3 months ago then he saw a psychiatrist and was put on lamictal), should I wait and see if he CAN sustain as a more stable husband and man? How long should I wait? Or, have I waited too long already? He is STILL manipulative and very VERY good at being argumentative if I have a problem..within seconds he will have ME apologizing for him being upsetting to me in the first place. I don't know how much more fight I have in me. I genuinely need a fresh pair of eyes looking at this since sometimes a person to close to the fire can have tunnel vision and not be able to make a bigger picture decision.
> 
> 
> 
> PS: Also, his aunt who I am close to is a marriage and family therapist...she told me that when Paul and Alanna get together, they make 'the meanest duo that she has ever seen'. They feed off each other and are viciously cruel to the world even. There is no one that is out of their line of sight. Do you know the kind of person that even sees someone walking down the street or on TV and has a negative comment about that person and mocks them? That's Paul and Alanna. They have a strange relationship...it's not father daughter. It's more like man/surrogate wife. He acts helpless and she takes charge and takes care of him. When he married me, she told him that he 'abandoned her' without even thanking her for taking care of him after he 'broke up' with her by marrying me. I don't know but to me it's a little creepy. She also hangs on him in slinky clothing and will lean very provacately against him while they sip coffee and mock anyone and everything that goes by. It was always (before she refused to come to the house anymore because of me) made me very uncfomfortable as I went about the chores and had to walk in front of them and come under their scrutiny. I can see what her Aunt Sharyn means. It's incredibly strange and disconcerting.


Oh Gwen...please get out of this marriage. I'm not someone who usually says to end a marriage, but I ALWAYS do in cases of domestic violence - which is what this is.

There is NO excuse for violence. Ever.

You can bet the family farm that your kids DO know that he hit you...they may not have said so, but they know.

You do not have the right to expose them to a man like your husband. If I were your children's father, and found this out I would sue you for full custody.

Sorry to be blunt.


----------



## gwenof3

frusdil said:


> Oh Gwen...please get out of this marriage. I'm not someone who usually says to end a marriage, but I ALWAYS do in cases of domestic violence - which is what this is.
> 
> There is NO excuse for violence. Ever.
> 
> You can bet the family farm that your kids DO know that he hit you...they may not have said so, but they know.
> 
> You do not have the right to expose them to a man like your husband. If I were your children's father, and found this out I would sue you for full custody.
> 
> Sorry to be blunt.





- that's why I'm terrorized of my ex husband finding out . 
**update***
After talking to my husband last night, she now says I may attend the ceremony by my husbands side; I went immediately and got her a special card, flowers and a 50 gift cert to her favorite clothing store for her birthday ( which was yesterday)...: but apparently without my knowledge my husband had given her a Bluetooth speaker and a card and a laptop for her birthday- All Signed By HIM. No 'from Paul and Gwendolyn). Just Paul. Never mind that it is our money. I am slightly heartbroken to be so invisible. Even to my own husband. The message sent to his children is also I believe loud and clear...it doesn't matter how they treat me:..daddy will still get them laptops. I'm so sad . But really what should I have expected given his history? I'll return the gifts I got today. I'm too sad to even get out of bed
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera

The first thing you need to do is get to your doctor and explain and ask about getting some TEMPORARY antidepressants.

And you're right, what should you expect from an abuser? You are nothing but a piece of property to him.


----------



## Openminded

Children are perceptive. And yours are watching the dynamics going on in your marriage. Do you really want them thinking that's normal -- so they'll grow up to repeat it?


----------



## Miss Independent

*My stepdaughter told my husband that I was not allowed to attend her HS gradu...*

You're choosing your husband over your children. I haven't seen one post on how your children feel. Do you think that they're not affected?


----------



## golfergirl

She flings a crumb and you jump? Big whoop she allows you to attend. I still wouldn't go and I wouldn't reward her with a gift. By the way 3 months without physical abuse isn't cured, it's just the honeymoon part of cycle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SolitaryConfinement

gwenof3 - I don't know how to say this respectfully, but I assure you, I mean no malice. You need to grow a spine. It is apparent that your husband lacks one. Step back, and figure out what is right for you, because he is not going to make any decision for your benefit. 

If he decided not to go to the graduation, he did it for reasons other than you. No one could stop me from seeing my daughters graduate, but they would not be near as disrespectful either. They are that way because he allows it.

Him punishing you for HIS decision to not attend is childish and immature. He feels guilty and wants to make you carry that burden for him. 

I am clearly not a professional, but in my opinion, his kids do not accept you because there is a part of him that still does not accept you. Maybe he still loves is Ex, regardless of what she did.

I was with mine for nearly 20 years. During a separation, she decided to have a relationship with an 18 yo boy - who had previously dated my oldest daughter. SICK I know! There are two points to be made from this: 1) I still have love for my Ex. In love? no, and will never reconcile, could never trust or be close to her again. Regardless of this event, divorce was best for us. 2) and most important - my daughters DEFENDED her actions at first. It was my fault for moving out, my fault for leaving THEM - they saw it as me leaving each of them, instead of me moving out to keep sanity and prevent her from being violent towards me any longer. I stayed true to myself, and my parenting. I got counseling for myself and my girls. Now we are stronger as father and daughters than we have ever been.

He is lacking as a man. As long as he continues this way, he will never do anything for your benefit (even though he may try to act as if it is). You have to decide how long you are willing to wait it out, before you grow tired enough to start taking care of yourself and your needs.

I wish you the best.


----------



## CluelessWif

You need to read this article.

Why Nice Women Don't Like Step-Kids

Your husband is making the mistake by punishing you for his daughters actions. Get some perspective and figure out who the bad guy is here. Hint: it's not you.


----------



## stoney1215

gwenof3 said:


> My story is too long to write here. My stepdaughter has told me (texted-she never speaks to my face) that I have destroyed her family by marrying my husband (we met a year after his divorce was final and after his ex married the man she had an affair with and was pregnant with the child of). There is nothing that I can do right in her eyes. I am terrified of her. She has many times embarrassed and humiliated me. I almost died last year after a surgical complication and she did not visit or speak to me.
> 
> My husband has been ineffective in defending me. He advertises himself as 'stuck in the middle' in the hopes that no one looks to him or gets angry at him. I love my husband and his mother and father and his aunt and uncle and try to cultivate good relationships with them only to see her sabotage every relationship I have with them. This is particularly hurtful as I don't have family of my own.
> 
> I have a question...My stepdaughter (who lives about 20 mins away with her mother) asked my husband if I was coming to her HS graduation. He said probably not. She told him I was not to attend, even though it was a major family event, everyone would be in from out of town to attend, and there are no attendance limitations at her high school...also my DH was hosting the graduation brunch. For the first time (he admits this as well) he stood by me and held his ground. He told her that I am his wife, and if he attends that means that I may attend as well.
> 
> My stepdaughter did not like this. She told him
> he is not to attend her graduation as well. She told him that he is not to get her a graduation gift, or have contact. My husband told her that he will cancel the brunch then.
> 
> My husband then came in the door and said to me (I didn't even know he was on the phone) and told me, 'are you happy now I chose this hill to die on'. When I found out (he wouldn't speak to me for the entire night and put his back to me in the farthest spot of the bed from me) I told him how bad this made me feel and he told me that 'it's all about you isn't it'.
> 
> He told me that in his family, this means not that he simply stated that if his wife couldn't come he wouldn't come...he told me that this meant that he disinherited her. He said that he no longer has a relationship with her, and disowned her. He said that his family will not understand, and that he is not 'persona non grata'.
> 
> I don't understand. He stated that not all families are like how I treat my children and that this is more than him standing by me that this is a disownment. He wont speak to me. He wont smile. He won't touch me. He left today for hours in the middle of Mother's Day to 'go drive' while he left his phone here so that I couldn't get hold of him...he left in the middle of a Denver snowstorm. He made me the Mother's Day dinner and didn't speak or look at me. I have cried all day.
> 
> Is this unreasonable to say to him that to the average outsider, this doesn't constitute a disownment and if anything,that she disowned him? And also, does this 'standing by me' warrant the kind of treatment I have received? I don't understand and I am utterly devastated and tortured. I feel as if I am a terrible horrible person. Do I have a right to feel this way? Do I have a right to tell him that he is treating me bad? That he is overdramatizing this and is behaving immarturely? Or is this my fault? I don't understand having never had this happen. (we have been married two years and his children (11, 14, 17) despise me. I have not been hated before now and now sincerely question my own worth and goodness in this world).
> 
> Thank you. Gwendolyn



It sucks to be in that situation. The truth is she is not your daughter and you do not have to associate with her and vice versa. Talk to your husband and tell him he does not have to choose sides. If she does not want you there you should not be there. If the brunch is in your home then you have every right to be at that. This is where your has to choose sides , while in your home she must respect you and he must enforce that. If she does not then he should absolutely stand up for you and tell her she either respects you in your home or she can leave and let her choose. If she chooses to leave so be it That is her decision. 
He also needs to grow up and be an adult. Him being upset and placing the blame on you is one thing , him running out and not talking to you is throwing a tantrum . Just like his daughter . 

If the family event is for her your best bet is to not attend . Why go to get party if she doesn't want you there ? If it is not for her by all means go and enjoy yourself and ignore get . Remember Even though she is 17 she is still a child and will act like one occasionally but she will grow up eventually. Maybe then your relationship will grow . If you still want one
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## adadfirst45

Sorry to hear about your situation. I am married and my wife was the one that was causing the problems with my daughter. They were introduced when my daughter was 13. I am happy to say that it has gotten a little better every year. My daughter is 19 now and those two speak all the time. So there is a chance of things changing. As far as your situation goes, it is tough.. I agree with earlier post that the mother has alot to do with it. Keep being nice.. Good people are drawn to good people. If the Mom is playing a big part in this, as the children get older, they will figure it out... Here is my suggestion. This will only really work if your husband damands respect from his children.. He needs to get all three kids together by themselves. He will get more honesty from them if you are not around. He needs to find out the problems. Asking questions will help get to the root of the problem. He will atleast get all three of them talking about it.. You really cant fix whats broken until you know what needs repaired.. If you stay with him, remember it is a process.. It is not a quick fix.. Atleast try to get the 11 and 13 year olds to respect you. 2 out of 3 is not bad..You wont want repeats of this. With all this being said, I hope that you are not taking things so personal and adding fuel to fire. If you really want things to be better, you have to be the bigger person. It takes time.. If it becomes to much and he is not willing to work at things to make them better, than move on. Life is short. Remember, you are together to shares your lives...You dont have to be with him..


----------



## CoralReef

You deserve so much better than this. Imagine it is 20 years from now and you are coaching your daughter through the exact same situation as you are currently in...

Would you encourage her to shove all her children into one room, put up with an abusive marriage, be a doormat to a crazy stepdaughter and shove her emotions all in the name of "never giving up on someone she loves"?

OR...would you tell her she gave it a good try and that it was time to put the welfare of her children first and get out of a toxic situation?


----------

