# Wife feels Raped



## Carguy (May 23, 2011)

My wife feels like I violated and disrespected her because I woke her up in the morning by gently touching her breast. She got mad and stormed out of the room. She told me she feels like I have raped her. We have been married almost 3 years and she doesn't like sex. Although she will do it for me once every week or two.

Is this feeling normal? 

She has woken me up once before in the middle of the night by playing with me and I enjoyed it. So I can't understand why she is feeling so violated.

Does anybody have any insight to help me?


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Carguy ~

Well, it sounds like something of an overreaction on her part based upon how you describe what you did.

What's the reason why your wife doesn't like sex?

Was she abused or raped at some point in her life?

Best wishes.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Touching your wife's breast while she sleeps is not rape.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Guessing you guys are having other issues? Sexual or otherwise?


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I don't think that's rape at all. 

I think her using that term is WRONG. I don't think you did anything wrong, unless she told you before NOT to do that.


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## CoolBreeze10 (Nov 23, 2010)

Oh, man! All the times I've touched my breasts late at night while she was sleep and most of the time, she justs slaps my hands and rolls over. I too think she just over reacted, especially if you didn't have intercourse. Perhaps she had something on her mind or a bad dream. My wife had a bad dream and gave me attitude all day because of what I did in her dream.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

CoolBreeze10 said:


> Oh, man! All the times I've touched my breasts late at night while she was sleep and most of the time, she justs slaps my hands and rolls over. I too think she just over reacted, especially if you didn't have intercourse. Perhaps she had something on her mind or a bad dream. My wife had a bad dream and gave me attitude all day because of what I did in her dream.


Possibly she might have had some sexual abuse , or a fear of men or rape, in her puberty , in her girl-woman stage..a disliking to sex owing to a kind of "female is inferior in sex : a complex syndrome.."


her problem...

doubt,fear and the frustrations , all related to her body, her mind over some kind of OCB in sexuality...


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's really crazy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Surely this can't be the first time you've done this in the three years you've been together? 

If there aren't any underlying issues then she definitely overreacted.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Sounds like other issues going on thats not related to sex. 

What else is going on in your marriage?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Nope this is not normal. One of the main reasons that married people sleep in the same bed is to be physcially close and to be able to do things like that. Happy couples love being touched by each other.

Your wife has an issue about something. She's pretty upset with you.

Now that she has brought up the "rape" word I'd be very careful around her. You need to talk to her and explain to her how serious using that word is. That if she feels that way then you are afraid to be next her to as she could take anything as rape.

Personally I think that she would sleep in another bed until the two of you have resolved whatever the issue is. Don't be surprised if she brings charges against you down the road.


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

Legally that is not rape. I suppose with enough imagination you could make it out to be assault but that is just about impossible.

Clearly there are some major issues going on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Not rape.

The real question Iis why is she as a married woman in a committed relationship rejecting her husband in what is a normal touch between lovers?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

the way i look at it, she could be setting you up for rape charges after you actually have sex. your wife has some serious issues and i hope you aren't on the recieving end of something bad.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Hi, CarGuy. I totally agree with 67flh. Verbatim! Mega isues going on in that head of hers. Has she always been a bit of a prude?


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

1) you did not rape her

2) she has issues

3) she overreacted

4) she may have been raped before and this is where the feelings are coming from

5) you are from what it sounds like in an unhealthy marriage (she does not like sex and has it 1 time a week to please you?) those are all red flags

i suppose best of luck


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

IMO 
She crossed a very sensitive line...
She made a VERY SERIOUS accusation...
Unless she's willing to fess something in her history... 
Leave!!!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

i would follow wades advice,and run so darn fast all you would see is dust.


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## Carguy (May 23, 2011)

Thank you for all your responses. I do feel better that everyone here has confirmed what I was thinking.

We talked a lot today and no she deos not have anything in her past that would bring back memories or feelings.

Her standpoint is that because she was asleep she didn't have a choice in what happened. Yes, there are issues that we need to work on and we have agreed to see a marriage counselor.

What I currently am struggling with is am I ever going to feel comfortable touching her again or am I always going to second guess everything?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Does your wife read self-help books, belong to a radical orginization or does she have a friend who may be influencing her to think this way? I would be looking at external sources outside your marriage for clues.

This is not normal thinking, but it smacks of some sort of radical thought indoctrination that she is recieveing from somewhere or someone.

When my wife and I were together we would spoon in bed at night with me behind her. I would reach around her with my right arm and cup her left breast in my hand. She not only loved for us to sleep this way... she expected it.


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## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

Carguy said:


> What I currently am struggling with is am I ever going to feel comfortable touching her again or am I always going to second guess everything?


Say hello to all your future triggers and resentments....


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## Anubis (Jul 12, 2011)

Sadly, you are getting a preview of what's to come if you stay with her. 

At minimum, the amount of sex and physical intimacy she is currently having with you is more that she actually wants. She WANTS you to think twice before touching her. She may not admit it, knowing what light that would cast her in, but actions speak louder than words. 

By saying "she didn't have a choice in what happened" when she chooses to sleep right next to you every night, isn't she saying that the only contact permissible to her is only that which SHE decides and ONLY when she wants it? That's what I'm reading between the lines here -- I could be wrong. 

You mentioned that one time she played with you while you were asleep. You see what the big difference is??? When you do something she didn't pre-approve, that very, very bad and you an evil, dangerous, felony committing MAN who should be locked up. When she does something to you without your pre-approval, if you were to object in any way, you are an uncaring, insensitive, brute. Very clear difference.. and a window into how she actually views you and your marriage.

And on a separate note, any woman who would so casually use the "R" word against her husband for what you did, and honestly think she was correct and justified, and that her standards of what should define the word trump the legal definition.... Well, Carguy... Do you have a fast car? Is it fast enough so you can fly away? You gotta make a decision. Leave tonight or live and die this way.

Seriously.. there are many men here, myself included, that wish they had the knowledge to understand what was going on the first time something like this happened and the balls to have put their foot down and meant it, even if it meant bringing the marriage to an end then (because the spouse refused to see anything wrong) as the ultimate agreement to disagree.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

She is girlish and timid and has a lot of mental weakness( some OCD, some fear , some trouble in a psycho-sexual realm)...esp it can be that she feels and laments that she is a woman, who is "powerless", "vulnerable",meant as a "sex object" for men, that she resists in her mind,psyche..in her body...

she would wish women should have been like men, with the power to do what they could...she seem to hate men for their attires..

but she too have her basic instincts of sensuality and sexuality that she might play out in her own wish and ways..

Also, there could be an affair ....triggering dichotomy of feelings ,in her relationship with the hubby...


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## cloudwithleggs (Oct 13, 2011)

well this puts new meaning for me when i wake and my husband has his **** between my legs, i like it :smthumbup:

Your wife has a serious issue, and you have not done anything wrong.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

As someone who has been sexually abused as a child and raped as an adult, it angers me when women attach the rape label to something that is clearly not about force and degradation.

A husband should be able to touch his wife's breast. Your wife is being dramatic, silly and ridiculous.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Carguy said:


> Thank you for all your responses. I do feel better that everyone here has confirmed what I was thinking.
> 
> We talked a lot today and no she deos not have anything in her past that would bring back memories or feelings.
> 
> ...


I think you can see where this relationship is going. Seriously, maybe its time to tell her that yes, you deserve to be punished for thinking that loving your wife may not be offensive, so you'll start the paperwork for her.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Carguy said:


> Thank you for all your responses. I do feel better that everyone here has confirmed what I was thinking.
> 
> We talked a lot today and no she deos not have anything in her past that would bring back memories or feelings.
> 
> ...


Hi carguy ~

That sounds like a great place to start.

I am assuming that she doesn't have problems with you touching her intimately during waking hours, but was very disturbed when you touched her intimately during sleep?

She has at least let you know, albeit in an overly-dramatic fashion, what her boundaries are regarding touch. It's not up to anyone else to decide whether her boundary is acceptable or not - it's only up to the person who is being touched - and to the person touching to respect the boundary. One of your boundaries would be that it is unacceptable for her to be overly-dramatic when she doesn't like a touch, and that she should try and voice it in a more appropriate tone.

As such, you two should discuss your boundaries regarding touch and intimacy - during both waking and sleeping.

I myself do not like being touched intimately during sleep either - although I am not overly dramatic about it - I just simply stated to my husband that I preferred to be touched in a different way to be awakened and he happily complied. I do a lot better if my back or hair are gently rubbed or stroked so that I can fully awaken before more intimate touches are started. Some people have a hard time falling back asleep and don't like to be awakened at all. Some people can be startled awake and be disoriented (my H is actually like this and has to be touched gently as well). You need to find out where both of you fall in your thinking regarding this.

Counseling will be a good start - so that you can both learn how to articulate your needs and desires, your fears and your boundaries - without being overly dramatic in them.

Best wishes.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

*We talked a lot today and no she deos not have anything in her past that would bring back memories or feelings.
*

Dont buy it...she can lie ...she needs help...help her and make her better...if she is willing..


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Enchantment said:


> Hi carguy ~
> 
> That sounds like a great place to start.
> 
> ...



---If Love is True and Complete , then all these boundary issues never happen nor become any minor,serious or troublesome issue at all...People may have psychological or psycho-sexual trbls and inhibitions that manifest as defining conditions and boundaries...A Marital Relation is The Deepest One ...To Control it with uncanny stuffs is making it Mechanical and Robotic...!!

The Belonging has to be Mutually Complete...rest is all possible "boundary cases " of relations..anytime it can sway...!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Get thee to a nunnery.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Carguy, You've been married for three years and only have sex a couple of times per week at most? Do the two of you have any children? If not, I suggest that you consider an annulment of the union and make different arrangements. I can assure you that things will only get worse and you have no idea how long "forever" is.


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## Stryker (Feb 3, 2012)

when a person is not happy with a sexual encounter or partner they term it rape..

reason 1: they dislike the person and or the episode...

reason 2: they may be liking someone else or some other kind of encounter..

reason 3: some past trauma or developed OCDs

reason 4 : they might have encountered some recent rape like sex or similar situations 

plus more may be..


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

hookares said:


> Carguy, You've been married for three years and only have sex a couple of times per week at most? Do the two of you have any children? If not, I suggest that you consider an annulment of the union and make different arrangements. I can assure you that things will only get worse and you have no idea how long "forever" is.


Yes it seems a little low, but we don't kn ow their ages or libidos.... But it is not ridiculously out of the norm. Of course there are other issues. 

I am not talking about this thread and the issues in the marriage, just the unrealistic expectation by many on TAM that seem to think that anything less then 5-7 X/wk before kids is abnormal......


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## Muffinman (Mar 7, 2012)

Carguy said:


> My wife feels like I violated and disrespected her because I woke her up in the morning by gently touching her breast. She got mad and stormed out of the room. She told me she feels like I have raped her.


Thats ridiculous. Either you wife has a serious mental problem, is just repulsed by you, or she is having an affair.

Not trying to be knee-jerk, but my guess is the latter, because its exactly how my x-wife acted when she was having an affair if i tried to initiate affection. She said I was groping her when I didn't even touch an erogenous zone.




> We have been married almost 3 years and she doesn't like sex. Although she will do it for me once every week or two.
> 
> Is this feeling normal?


Absolutely not! You need to confront her about this and tell her that her "rape" comments are insulting and ridiculous for starters. But you may want to do some investigation to find out if she is having some sort of affair, emotional or physical.

Is there any time she has the opportunity to engage in an affair?



> She has woken me up once before in the middle of the night by playing with me and I enjoyed it. So I can't understand why she is feeling so violated.


So she doesn't like sex, feels violated when you initiate affection, but she can wake you up in the middle of the night? Your wife has major issues.




> Does anybody have any insight to help me?


Again, to make the comments she did, you would have to repulse her, and in my experience, she could very well be cheating, but find out for sure.


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## Muffinman (Mar 7, 2012)

Carguy said:


> Her standpoint is that because she was asleep she didn't have a choice in what happened.


But she can wake you up touching your nether region, right?

Then if she feels raped, you can tell her so did you.

She is being very hypocritical.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Also possible red flag! How's your sex life in general? has it waned in recent weeks/months?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Carguy said:


> Her standpoint is that because she was asleep she didn't have a choice in what happened. Yes, there are issues that we need to work on and we have agreed to see a marriage counselor.


 What?!?!? So, like, do you need to do up a memo before you touch the boobies? DO you draw up contracts and have your lawyers approve them before intercourse happens?

That's kinda stupid...

And if touching the boobies is rape...then I guess I'm guilty of raping my wife every night! I like spooning her and grabbing a handful before I go to sleep. It's like a woobie or a security blanket! Hey, guys like boobs, what can I say! ;-)


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## Speed (Dec 9, 2011)

This $hit is just crazy.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> A "woobie?" As in the blanket from 'Mr. Mom?'
> 
> WOOBIE BOOBS! Yours for only two easy payments of $19.95, plus shipping and "handling!"


They don't call them Fun Bags for nothin!!!


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

LadyFrogFlyAway said:


> Isn't there, or wasn't there, a candy bar commercial where the jingle went, "Grab a handful of fun?" :rofl:


PO should have said this to her, " IT WASN'T RAPE!!........it was a handful of fun."


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Nothing really to add here other than to reiterate that it's a totally FUBAR reaction.

You may need to consider if you're willing to live in a no/low sex marriage. Generally speaking sex life does not improve as a marriage progresses. There are exceptions, but generally speaking long term marriage and aging are not the best things for sex life. 

My point is, if it's bad now, odds are better than not that it will get worse not better.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

You got shi* tested, and failed.

You should have slapped that accusation down hard. 

A false accusation of abuse-is abuse.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Carguy said:


> Her standpoint is that because she was asleep she didn't have a choice in what happened.


 She did have a choice; she makes a choice every time she makes the decision to share a bed with you. She also made a choice to marry you which means that she agreed to be intimate with you, and touching her breast is an act of normal intimacy between married people. 

Do not bring children into this marraige until this issue is addressed. It will only get worse once she feels that she has you trapped with children. You should not let yourself get dragged into a sexless marraige, which is where she is taking it. A sexless marraige is defined by most professions as intercourse 10 or less times a year.

Some spouses do not understand that when you marry them you are taking a vow of monogamy not celibacy.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

A well adjusted response would have been "I'd rather you do that when I am awake so I can enjoy every second of your caresses" 

Why use the horrible accusation rape. The connotation is horrible for a man. I cannot think why she would react in this extreme and uncalled for way. 

You did not rape her, you didn't violate her and you did not invade her space. You touched your wife. If she does not like being touched she should say so in a kind way to spare your feelings. 

I think that is handle that kind of thing between two people who love each other and want to maintain the relationship.

I think you should be affronted by this. Such an accusation is meant to injure you and push you away. 

It may not be her breast but something else. I would take this as a sign of serious issues. Nothing should make a good and loving husband feel that he can't touch his wife lest he be accused of a crime.

Don't feel guilty, don't feel hesitant, feel angry that she would say such a thing to you. That will get her out of a delusional twilight. You need to back your wife up now or you be in for more extreme surprises.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Catherine,
I have been waiting for you to chime in. You said exactly what I thought. 





Catherine602 said:


> A well adjusted response would have been "I'd rather you do that when I am awake so I can enjoy every second of your caresses"
> 
> Why use the horrible accusation rape. The connotation is horrible for a man. I cannot think why she would react in this extreme and uncalled for way.
> 
> ...


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

How are you doing


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> A well adjusted response would have been "I'd rather you do that when I am awake so I can enjoy every second of your caresses"
> 
> Why use the horrible accusation rape. The connotation is horrible for a man. I cannot think why she would react in this extreme and uncalled for way.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## kc8 (Mar 12, 2012)

Honestly it sounds to me like bad things have happened to your wife in the past, she might be trying to tell you something subconciously. Start off by telling her u would never hurt her in anyway or do anything against her will. If u made her uncomfortable ur sorry, she just looked beautiful and you wanted to show her love. I positive your wife has been violated in the past, try and get her to open up about it, reintegrate love into sex. She associates sex with violation, which is why it is infrequent. Show her diffrent & ur whole relationship will turn around and it will save her if she's living in a quiet hell about what has happened to her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

Carguy said:


> My wife feels like I violated and disrespected her because I woke her up in the morning by gently touching her breast. She got mad and stormed out of the room. She told me she feels like I have raped her. We have been married almost 3 years and she doesn't like sex. Although she will do it for me once every week or two.
> 
> Is this feeling normal?


Normal for her. 

Some people don't like being sexually fondled or having sexual acts performed on them when they are sleeping as they are unaware of what's happening and unable to consent.

To several commenters she made the choice to sleep in the bed wit him. That doesn't mean she made the choice to have him touch her in any manner he decides when she's asleep. By that logic he can do anything he wish to her in his bed without her consent solely because her choosing to sleep in the same bed as him means she consents to whatever he wants to do to her body.




Carguy said:


> She has woken me up once before in the middle of the night by playing with me and I enjoyed it. So I can't understand why she is feeling so violated.


Different boundaries.

Have you stated that you don't mind it before it occurred?

I know of several couples where one partner has no issue with sleep sex/touching but the other does.

The one who doesn't mind or enjoys the sleep sex/touching gets touched/sexual acts performed.

The one that does mind or finds it violating doesn't get touched/sexual acts performed.

Rather than claim the other partner is crazy or consented to whatever act s/he performed because they chose to sleep in the same bed.


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> A well adjusted response would have been "I'd rather you do that when I am awake so I can enjoy every second of your caresses"
> 
> Why use the horrible accusation rape. The connotation is horrible for a man. I cannot think why she would react in this extreme and uncalled for way.


Perhaps because she felt having someone touch her sexually when she's unaware and unable to consent is like being violated and it was non-consensual like rape is.

It was probably an overly emotional reaction in an emotional situation for her.



Catherine602 said:


> You did not rape her, *you didn't violate her and you did not invade her space. *You touched your wife. If she does not like being touched she should say so in a kind way to spare your feelings.


He _did _violate her according to _her_.
She as the one being touched and you don't get to dictate how she feels when someone touches her without her knowledge and consent.

He did violate her space by intently choosing to touch her when she was sleeping.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

dahling said:


> Perhaps because she felt having someone touch her sexually when she's unaware and unable to consent is like being violated and it was non-consensual like rape is.
> 
> It was probably an overly emotional reaction in an emotional situation for her.
> 
> ...


You know really. Do you mean a man cannot touch his wife sexually in their own bed without getting the riot act read to him about personal space. 

Come on. This is his wife. He does not sound abusive or aggressive in fact he is a little too nice. 

I don't think it is good to bring some political stance into the bedroom. Ones home should be a safe harbor not a police state. He did not act in malice. .

I don't know what your story is and it may include unwanted touch so this may be a sensitive topic. But in reality, all she needs to do is say something nicely. 

I touched my husbands package this morning while he was asleep to see what he would say when he woke up. He didn't complain but he said he may report me to the police later in the day. I have to be nice to him now.


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## dahling (Sep 26, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You know really. Do you mean a man cannot touch his wife sexually in their own bed without getting the riot act read to him about personal space.


What you're omitting her is that she's sleeping and is unaware of the touching.

So to put it correctly it would be:
Do you mean a man cannot touch his sleeping wife sexually without her knowledge or consent in their own bed without getting the riot act read to him about personal space. 



Catherine602 said:


> Come on. This is his wife. He does not sound abusive or aggressive in fact he is a little too nice.


Come on people have boundaries.

Once again this is his sleeping wife who didn't consent to be touched.




Catherine602 said:


> I don't think it is good to bring some political stance into the bedroom. Ones home should be a safe harbor not a police state. He did not act in malice.


Do tell what political stance is that people have different boundaries and some people want to be aware of and consent to someone touching them sexually or performing sexual acts on them?

I thought it wasn't political stance but boundaries.

So it seems that to you if a wife chooses to sleep in bed with her husband she's not just choosing to sleep in bed she;s consenting to whatever he wants to do to her. He can do anything he wish to her in his bed without her consent solely because her choosing to sleep in the same bed as him means she consents to whatever he wants to do to her body.

Any disagreement is a political stance.

He may not have acted in malice as he thought it was okay to do so.

However you seem to be by stating it's a political stance to not want to be touched without your knowledge or consent. That it's his wife so apparently he can do whatever he wishes to her body no matter her say.



Catherine602 said:


> I don't know what your story is and it may include unwanted touch so this may be a sensitive topic. But in reality, all she needs to do is say something nicely.


My story is that this is a story about unwanted touching and the responses are similar to "it's his wife he can touch what he wants whenever he wants no matter her feelings and if she objects it's a political stance or she has issues". 

Quite interesting that implication that I must have a story if I think people have different boundaries and some may not like or enjoy being sexually touched or having sexual acts performed on them without their knowledge or consent.

Thought that was more of recognizing people differ.

But in all reality it was likely an over emotional reaction to an emotional situation.




Catherine602 said:


> I touched my husbands package this morning while he was asleep to see what he would say when he woke up. He didn't complain but he said he may report me to the police later in the day. I have to be nice to him now.


Different boundaries.

Recall:
*I know of several couples where one partner has no issue with sleep sex/touching but the other does.

The one who doesn't mind or enjoys the sleep sex/touching gets touched/sexual acts performed.

The one that does mind or finds it violating doesn't get touched/sexual acts performed.

Rather than claim the other partner is crazy or consented to whatever act s/he performed because they chose to sleep in the same bed.*

Though it seems that you are keen to stipulate your boundaries be everyone else's.


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## reset button (Mar 14, 2012)

Is she taking hormonal birth control? If so, ask her to change to non-hormonal birth control for awhile.

My experience with birth conrol pills, cause me to loose interest in sex over time until eventually I avoided all physical contact. If my husband tried to initiate things, I would "freeze up", I would not say no, but was still uninterested in sex. 

I would go along to please him, then feel happy when it was over since I would have a few weeks until he would try again. (he kinda gave up trying very often because he couldn't stand the rejection) He couldn't understand why I didn't want sex because I would orgasm when we were intimate. He would ask me "Do you not love me? Do you want a divorce?" I did love him and did not want a divorce. He would ask me "Why do you not want me to touch you then? Your body obviously responds?" I honestly did not have an answer. I just didn't want it. I told him" I don't know" which hurt him more, because without a reason he felt helpless to change it. He would roll over and go to sleep frustrated, and I would cry myself to sleep quietly so he wouldnt hear me.

This was no fault of his as he is caring, attentive and great lover.

I stopped taking pill, and within two weeks I was back to my old self and even hornier than before. It has been 2-3 years and no loss in sex drive since. We are active 5-7 time a week, with a few of those being 2X per night. We are very affectionate and can't keep our hands off each other.

It is definately worth a try. It saved my marriage and we are honestly happier than we have ever been

Best wishes


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## mgperkow (Mar 8, 2012)

I think she was overreacting. True, she may not _want_ to be touched in that manner, but unless she's _told_ him something to that effect in the past, I don't think it was unreasonable for him to assume that what he was doing was alright. Now that she's said something, he certainly ought not to do it, but I don't think it was fair of her to all but accuse him of rape when he made an honest mistake. He should learn from the experience, but she ought to apologize to him nonetheless.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

dahling said:


> Do tell what political stance is that people have different boundaries and some people want to be aware of and consent to someone touching them sexually or performing sexual acts on them?
> 
> I thought it wasn't political stance but boundaries.
> 
> ...


The use of the word "rape" makes it politically and emotionally overcharged. If you took the time to read the various posts, no one is disagreeing with the wife's boundaries or her respectfully informing the husband of those boundaries. That is normal and expected. The issue arises from her accusing him of rape based on a not uncommon occurance in a normal marriage. 

Marriage is different, with different rules and expectations. I like to come up on my wife from behind and hug her. She accepts it the vast majority of the time, but occasionally will shrug me off. She would never cry rape over it, even though it may technically be an unwanted touch that she was not aware was going to occur. The reaction would understandably be completely different were I to do that to a stanger, or a stranger did that to my wife. To argue or imply that marriage is no different than other interactions is not reasonable.

Further, to ignore how charged the word "rape" is, particularly when a woman accuses a man of such a thing, suggests an agenda. It is an incredibly powerful word that raises enormous issues of power, control and domination. That the wife used that word in a situation that is not uncommon in a marriage, which is what almost all posters here take issue with, raises huge red-flags as to the wife's issues. To do so when she had in fact done the same thing to him also raises issues. People mostly default to assuming that their boundaries apply to others. So if she had an issue with being touched in her sleep, she is most likely going to assume her husband has the same boundary. That she did not, and was willing to cry "rape" over it, suggests real problems that she needs to address.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

dahling

I think that she has a right and obligation to set boundaries. He does not know them unless he is told. 

Ascribing evil intent to his behavior is dysfunctional to me. What is more functional is to find out if her perception was what he intended and decide if she wanted to remain married to a perverted psychopath. 

You can't know what your partner is thinking if you don't ask and listen. If she thinks he is acting with malice then she is unwise to stay. 

I am assuming she does not feel unsafe enough to leave the bed or the marriage. So her accusation is inconsistent with her behavior. 

Therefore, I think what she said was disingenuous. If felt I was rapped, the man would get a tire iron to his head and I would make a hasty and permanent exit. 

In addition, being informed of boundaries should not be a global attack that distances your spouse. 

Assuming that touch doing sleep is a perverted act is uncalled for. That in essences is what she has done by crying rape. 

It is something that some people don't like and it is enough to say so lovingly to ones spouse if you want to stay close. 

If it makes her very upset then she should calmly talk about her feeling and not make him the bad guy. She has a right to feel violated but not to put it on him. 

She also has a right to tell him about her feelings. She may have had a bad experience and it is a good time to share it. 

Talking about these things brings couples closer together, i think. If you assume bad intent every time your spouse does something your don't like then the marriage is destined to fail.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Uhh 

I did not ask my husband about his boundaries relative to sexual touch while he is sleeping. I guess I am on shacky ground here. 

So take my post in that light. The OP and I are fellow offenders and we stick up for our kind.


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## plump biscuit (Mar 17, 2012)

If this is rape, my husband must rape me about 75 times a day.


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## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

I must ask since I do get notices that there are replies to posts I've made in a thread....... The OP has not posted since February 23 (3+ weeks), yet people keep this thread alive...... 

Why since he has left and this is not a situation that resonates with anyone else?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havesomethingtosay said:


> I must ask since I do get notices that there are replies to posts I've made in a thread....... The OP has not posted since February 23 (3+ weeks), yet people keep this thread alive......
> 
> Why since he has left and this is not a situation that resonates with anyone else?


I keep posting because I am disturbed by what has happened to this man. I find it equally disturbing that there are people who think that his wife was somehow justified. That cant go unanswed. Even though the OP has not posted, that does not mean he is not reading. I wish he would come back and let us know how he is doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If a woman feels she was raped, and then continues to go to bed with the same man every night, what does that mean?

Anyway, if my wife is reading this....please feel free to engage in any perverted night-time touching that you may feel like.


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## square1 (Oct 31, 2011)

Like other posters I feel she overreacted. 

My husband sleeps naked, most times I do too (actually my obgyn said its good for women to sleep with no underwear helps the va jay jay breath preventing moisture being trapped causing yeast/bacterial infections just thought I'd throw that out there in case any husband wanted a good reason to get their wife to sleep naked  .) So if my husband rolls over and grazes my arse with his morning wood in his sleep I should kick him in the balls and run away? 

I enjoy when i get a surprise boob cupping. Its comforting to me and he has warm hands. I know people have different boundaries but this is over the top for the situation. A simple stop I don't like that would have sufficed.


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## Mikel (Mar 18, 2012)

1st of all, if she actually said the word "rape".... then you have a major issue... ( not that by touching your loved ones breast in the middle of the night even comes close to constituting the meaning of the word "rape".)... It's one of two problems....either your wife extremely despises your ever sense of being, or she has had an extreme bad experience at a younger age...... You, as a man, have to step up and settle the situation.... ASK HER....Is it me????? Or is there an experience in your past that makes you feel this way???? If you are the man for her, "her Knight in shining armor", she will trust you, and let know the entire story. either way, you should never live in fear of the one you love......


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

"Sexual Problems: codependents go through cycles in the bedroom. They are caretakers there too. They have sex when they don't want to or withdraw sex to punish their partner. They try to have sex when they are hurt or angry, and refuse to enjoy it. They withdraw emotionally from their partner, feel revulsion toward their partner, and don't want to talk about it. They reduce sex to a technical act, wonder why they don't enjoy it; lose interest; make up reasons to abstain, wish their partner would die, go away, or guess what is wrong with them; they have strong sexual fantasies about others and consider having affairs."

Codependency


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She's not a rape victim. She's a fraud. She voluntarily entered into a marriage; an institution where sex is a normal and expected component, yet she puts out only under duress? And only as a favor to you? If yours is not an intimate, sexual relationship, what is it? A buddy relationship? More likely, it's a financially exploitive one. Quite probably, the reason you tried to touch her in her sleep is that touching her while she's awake doesn't work out so well.


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## cent130130 (Nov 6, 2011)

She's way out of line. I agree with the others, investigate what else is going on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

:iagree:
Quitely do your own investigation, this is a red flag over at CWI forum


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## Wantsmore (Sep 13, 2011)

Wow, I would hate to see her reaction to you waking her up liking her kitty. That drive mine up the wall, in a good way.


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