# Finances After Divorce



## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Aah, I don't even know where to start with this one- HOW do you all do it? Support yourself on one income while still maintaining a household, paying daycare, car note, etc... 

When married we either had 2 incomes or one of us stayed home with the kids while the other worked. Now xH and myself both work but I get barely over the state minimum in CS for 2 kids, which pays exactly 29.1% of the kids' monthly daycare cost. There is not a cheaper daycare option that is safe and dependable, I by no means pay the highest cost in my area, I've shopped around plenty. CS can't be modified at this point because xH doesn't have a home address since he bounces from couch to couch, so there's no way for the AG office to serve him with the paperwork to go to court to modify- I've been fighting this for MONTHS now, trying to get them to serve him at work. 

I have a stable career and a college degree. I make a fair amount based on my education and experience- I'm the youngest person in my company to do what I do, and I receive annual pay increases. I work 45-60 hours/week M-F but some weekends when we're loaded down with work- a second job isn't an option.

I live in the suburbs, not in the city where everything's crazy expensive. I do not have cable, my company pays for my internet and cell phone. I do not shop for clothes. I buy off brands at the grocery store and cook from scratch, no expensive prepackaged garbage comes in my house. I have a 5-year-old used car, not anything fancy and new. I have a 3-bed house for 3 people. I have a 5 mile commute to work so I don't pay a ton in gas. I don't go out to eat or out to bars to drink- the only exception being with my guy who will always pay. I trade babysitting with other single moms so that we can all have "date night" every couple weeks. 

It comes down to this: once the house payment is made, daycare is paid, car note is paid, insurance is paid for, and groceries are bought, I'm having to juggle paying utilities until I get paid next (EDIT: that's IF I don't have to put it off an entire month or more, calling the companies asking them to work with me, just one more time), MasterCard my gas, and God forbid anything comes up in an emergency type situation. I spent all of my savings on my divorce, +/- $10k just for legal fees, +/- $4k for moving expenses, switching the kids to a different school, etc... so reserves are TAPPED. 

My question is... how do you do it? How do you get by every day without the stress of not being FS crush you?

Advice, input, or just share in my stress!! Thank you


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

When my sister got divorced she was forced to use those cheaper/unsafe sitters to make it work. It was either that or starve, lose the house, something....

It wasn't ideal and I don't recommend it but she somehow made it work. Her kids are now old enough to stay at home by themselves.

How soon before your car is paid off?


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> When my sister got divorced she was forced to use those cheaper/unsafe sitters to make it work. It was either that or starve, lose the house, something....
> 
> It wasn't ideal and I don't recommend it but she somehow made it work. Her kids are now old enough to stay at home by themselves.
> 
> How soon before your car is paid off?


My childcare is paid for through my flex spending account and it has to be paid to a licensed provider- I can't put them in a home daycare or anything like that, and they're at a decent family owned place that cut me a deal for enrolling them both, not one of those corporate places that charges almost double what I pay.

The good news is that my oldest starts public school in August so that will save me about $375/mo. 

My car has 4 years left on the note. Unfortunately I had to buy a new to me car last year when my previous vehicle was totaled.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Hugs. I was just sitting down making a budget for myself a few minutes ago. It is stressful! I feel like I'm always running behind because something always needs fixed. I'm currently out an oven because it needs a $150 part and I don't know when I'll be able to afford it. Thankfully the stove top works and I have a small toaster oven to get me through. The only way I manage to stay sane is my faith. Somehow it always manages to work out. Do you qualify for daycare assistance?


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

happysnappy said:


> Hugs. I was just sitting down making a budget for myself a few minutes ago. It is stressful! I feel like I'm always running behind because something always needs fixed. I'm currently out an oven because it needs a $150 part and I don't know when I'll be able to afford it. Thankfully the stove top works and I have a small toaster oven to get me through. The only way I manage to stay sane is my faith. Somehow it always manages to work out. Do you qualify for daycare assistance?



Happy, thank you for the encouragement- and yes, I too rely on faith and giving to my church weekly and prayer to keep me grounded and sane!

I do qualify for childcare assistance, however the waiting list in my county before they begin to process the applications is over 2 years long right now due to lack of funding/all funds currently allocated. I've been on it for almost a year. They give priority to teen moms who stay in high school, and college age moms attending school. I already have a degree and I'm in my late 20's so am not a priority, which I understand although the assistance would help me greatly. 

I'm sorry about your oven. If you lived near me you could use mine! This forum is helping me stay sane as well knowing others are going through this craziness that divorce brings, as well- it would nice to have local friends too though!


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

That stinks about the childcare help. Here it is easy to get but hard to qualify for. I'm in a tough spot because if i work full time i don't qualify for any daycare assistance even making minimum wage. So i would have to make $15 to make anything and then in the summer daycare would take almost my entire check every week. My oldest will be old enough to watch the younger ones in the next 2 years but she fights so much with the one 3 years younger than her, i'm not sure it would be a good idea. I think their dad has it so much easier. he can work and do as he pleases and i take care of the kids and can't afford to work. he just had the nerve to complain to me that he may only be able to afford 3 vacations this year, not two. wow, i'd love to have that problem.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Well turns out I no longer qualify for daycare assistance anyway- I just called to get a status update on my application and they re-verified employment & wages and I'm over the income limit due to last Sept's raise so they trashed my application, back in October- I had no idea. 

I have to work to pay for my house, xH is financially unstable and provides very little CS and doesn't even have a place of his own- however always has beer money. 

Either way xH has it easier in my case as well because if he doesn't have money, no one suffers- "I can't help with groceries", he'll say- because he knows I always provide for our kids, even if it means selling more of my clothes/shoes/purses from when we were married. Those things are gone now, I have nothing left to sell. 

This is kind of a rant now, lol- but yeah it's crazy freaking hard.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I live small. Small upstairs apartment with minimal heating needs. 1 bedroom with bunk beds and a pull-out sofa. Luckily my job is research work that I do from home and it minimizes day care needs. I use day care on an as-needed basis. When my kids needed care during the summer, they got scholarships to overnight camp, specialized day camps (reflective of their interests) and to the local day camp. Camping vacations. Apply for reduced electric and reduced phone fees under a state program for low income, also heating assistance (I won't even use all the heating assistance I get, only 1/2 of it, since I can heat my apartment for the entire winter for $500, and that's warm!) Used Medicaid on top of kids' dad's insurance to help with necessary followup for son's thyroid care and for their dental cleanings and eye glasses. Used food stamps last year due to (ironically!) low-paying GOVERNMENT research job. I like what I do for work, so work is fun. Maximize earned income credit while minimizing need for child care. Don't own a house so my fees are set, if the water heater breaks, it's not my issue/dollars to fix it. Traded down my car, got one that was less than half the cost. Live within 1/2 mile of kids school and my college program. Daughter gets hand me down clothes from friends or whomever. I trade services for things I need. Like downhill skis and ski pass vouchers for delivering newspapers. Used to volunteer at a movie theater in return for being able to see independent films and unlimited popcorn and candy. Volunteer at a xc ski area to run hut, get free xc skiing. Apply for grants and scholarships. Inexpensive hobbies, like writing. Focus on quality and happiness vs. material things. Once I decluttered my life materially and emotionally, I found I did not need more money, necessarily, what I needed was more time to enjoy what I had. I also minimize the child support I receive in favor of their dad taking them one afternoon a week and a lot of weekends, entire weeks during the summer, and splitting cost of activities (even if my half is paid for with kids' scholarship.) Make sure you put in medical expenses and other items that are deductible from income when you apply for your child care assistance. Yah, the childcare assistance is odd. I applied and got the max, but even so it was still $45 a day for each kid. OK, well at $10 per hour and an 8 hour workday figure that out. I explained the situation to the child care camp and that I would pay the first week (that bill arrived as a surprise, I thought the camp adjusted tuition to fit what the state would pay, plus a small percentage) and my kids would not come the remaining days I'd signed them up. They ended up with a scholarship for $5 a day each because they were well liked by staff and campers and the day camp liked that I was working in a project to help prevent domestic violence. (They're a community center.)

I think the key to your finances, OP, is your house. A lot of women keep the house because it represents to them stability and success, and they believe that it's best for their kids not to move or to have to adjust to any kind of new situation on top of a divorce. Unlike you I spent $40 for my divorce because I consulted an atty who said I wouldn't get much. So I took what he did say I would get from a joint account and left the rest of the moolah in the joint account, and definitely did not want the house. I sat down with the kids and we discussed our options and ended up choosing a frugal and low-carbon-footprint lifestyle that would put us in a small town we could settle in long-term while still having time for fun. Our town is expensive so our rent is higher than elsewhere, but the benefits are much greater in terms of R&R and more stay at home moms here with kids available in the afternoon for activities. 

I usually advise other women who are getting divorces to take freedom and mobility and to reduce financial risk vs. getting the house. 

I'm not sure how you feel about this, but maybe you need to go to the next level and think outside the box (house.) Try to imagine a lifestyle where you were renting or even in a co-housing situation sharing child care with another mom, or even a college student or an older person who needs a place to live in exchange for child care. Many people get stuck in the paradigm of wanting to recreate the life they had while married, just without the spouse. So they don't see all the other possibilities. Just the wall in front of them, in a system they've subscribed to that insists that increasing income is the solution to all of the problems. But that comes with costs - to health, family life, etc.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Homemaker, unfortunately I do not qualify for any assistance programs, as I am not considered low-income (however I'm not much above the cutoff). I don't get the earned income credit, and I barely get a tax return despite paying almost $15,000 for daycare per year. I don't qualify for Medicaid of food stamps either, same reasons. 

I'm not concerned with material things- my kids get hand-me-downs as well, I wear my clothes until I have to literally throw them away worn completely out. Wear my shoes until the heels break off. I don't need spending money or "stuff"- we play outside, hike, walk, read, swim for fun- a HUGE treat is a dollar movie, every 6 months or so. I just need to get from living barely paycheck-to-paycheck (IF I make it in between paychecks without running my gas card overlimit and overdrawing my checking account) to meet our basic needs. Our house is small and I'm not in a place to sell- I would have to bring money to the table that I don't have. My car is 5 years old with a warranty that covers repairs, trading it in would not save me anything at this point, I would end up spending more in repairs, besides, I'm upside-down on the loan a couple grand. I also live within 5 miles of the kids' school and my office. The kids' dad (xH) can't take them, ever, since he doesn't have a place to live. 

I think I've come up with a sort-of solution though! I am planning to begin hosting an overnight babysitting session at my house once or twice a month on weekends, where parents can pay me $25 or $30 to keep their children 7pm-10am or something, while they go out- cheap for them but if I get 5 or 6 kids I can make enough cash to cover the electric bill or car insurance, or both. I can do this any day I don't have work or church in the morning, so probably 2-3 times per month, at $100/night average? $300 bucks/mo for basically having a sleepover for my kiddos and friends! I don't know why I hadn't thought of this prior, except that childcare ads by private caregivers/SAHM's/single parents are abundant on places like craigslist, so I don't know what kind of response I'd get. Worth putting it out there though.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SingleInTx said:


> Aah, I don't even know where to start with this one- HOW do you all do it? Support yourself on one income while still maintaining a household, paying daycare, car note, etc...


I'm still trying to figure this out. I'm working as much as I can right now and I've cut WAY back on doing "fun stuff". I watch things much more closely now when it comes to spending. 

Right now, the bills are getting paid but this past month with the holidays and laying out a ton of money to "fix" the crap that my H threw at me has put a hole in the budget. Plus, my STBXH doesn't give me ANY money so my savings account is depleted. I was putting away a bit each week at one point but until I sort things out that's on hold. 

It helps that I don't have any real debts. I rent a 2BR apartment and heat and hot water are included. I don't have any car payments, loans and I pay my credit cards off in full when I use them (which isn't often). My biggest bills (aside from rent) are my healthcare and auto insurance and the cell phone bill. 

It helps that my daughter is in college and basically supports herself. Daycare isn't an issue since my son is 15 and can let himself in after school. My son is eating me out of house and home and it would REALLY help if his deadbeat dad of a STBXH would give me some money! I'm seriously going to look into food stamps. Every little bit helps! Other things that help a little are that my son gets free lunch from school, which would've cost me around $60/month. He now has a school bus, instead of me having to drive him to school and get a taxi to drive him home while I'm at work. 

Right now, I'm looking into getting healthcare for my kids and perhaps myself through the state. If we all qualify it'll save me quite a bit of money. Fortunately my daughter can get healthcare from her college but that cuts into her tuition money. My healthcare is costing me $330/month and my son has NO health care right now but it looks good that he will get it eventually. It's just a matter of paperwork right now. We USED to have a really good healthcare plan but my H just stopped paying it so I had to cancel it because I couldn't afford to pay it along with everything else. My one consolation is that he doesn't have any insurance at all and won't be getting any since the insurance was in my name. Oh well. 

All this will be ironed out sooner or later as we head into the divorce proceedings but he's not working and cries "I'm too poor" and "You can't squeeze blood from a stone!". If that continues I'll be on my own. I don't think I'll ever be making much more money so my plan for the future when my kids are out on their own is to spend less and cut back even more and live a very simple life. 

Fortunately I don't need much to be happy. I do stuff like hiking, kayaking and instead of staying in hotels I camp out. My biggest expenses are gas for my 8 year old Jeep and for lift tickets for when I do go skiing. I ski midweek and buy online to save money. For socializing I go to meetup events and try not to eat out too much.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SingleInTx said:


> xH is financially unstable and provides very little CS and doesn't even have a place of his own- however always has beer money.
> 
> Either way xH has it easier in my case as well because if he doesn't have money, no one suffers- "I can't help with groceries", he'll say- because he knows I always provide for our kids, even if it means selling more of my clothes/shoes/purses from when we were married. Those things are gone now, I have nothing left to sell.


Seems like your xH and my STBXH are of the same mindset.  They cry poverty and slink off under the rock from which they crawled out from under like all vermin do!

Mine can spend money on his cigarettes (and has spent big bucks on alcohol as well) without a problem but he can't help me buy food/clothes for our son! I have to go into the orthodontist this week and arrange SOME sort of payment arrangement with them because my H conveniently didn't pay the past 3 months payments to them so guess who gets to pay for it now? :slap:

MY STBXH took my daughter's car away from her because he SAID he couldn't afford to make the payments. NOW he's looking to sell the car.. His plan is to pay off the loan plus get a few thousand on top of that. He tells me he's putting out the $150 deductible to fix the small dent in the fender so it's more "marketable".

When I asked how the bank that has a lien on it is going to feel about him not paying on the loan he tells me "Oh, I had the foresight to pay it up a few months". REALLY? :banghead:

Yeah..the car has been SITTING in front of his apartment for the past month! Meanwhile, WHO went out and got our daughter ANOTHER car? Yeah, that'd be ME. 

Oh, and when I asked him to please take our son to get a haircut he got on my case for not letting him know "in advance" so he could "plan" on putting out $20 for the haircut. 

When my son asked him to pay him his monthly allowance ($40) he told my son he "can't afford it". So who gave my son his allowance? Yeah..you guessed it. 

PLUS, he STILL has his boat that he's paying for because his rationale is "If I don't pay for it, they will just take it away and make me pay for it anyway!" What a load of crap..as if he's going to keep a BOAT and not support his kids! We'll see what the judge has to say to THAT. 

This week I'm selling off my wedding and engagement ring. He's keeping his ring because it has "sentimental value". I could give a flying you-know-what about "sentiment". I need cash.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I also minimize the child support I receive in favor of their dad taking them one afternoon a week and a lot of weekends, entire weeks during the summer, and splitting cost of activities


This is something my STBXH and I discussed when it came to support. If he'd take my son for weekends or or most of the summer it would help a lot BUT he's an alcoholic and not doing anything to get himself into a recovery program.

He's sober for the time being but given his past actions, that will soon end and can't be counted on. My son has already been through the wringer with this so I have real reservations about letting my son stay with my H for any length of time. Right now the most I'm letting him see my son is for a few hours a day for lunch and spending some time at his apartment to watch a movie or play a video game. 

Why can't he have just been like MOST men and had an affair or something? :slap:


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

Yep my ex is given tons of summer and holiday time but chooses not to use even 2 full weeks of it each year. I think it's written in that he can have 5 weeks. Hasn't happened in 6 years doubt it will ever


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Last summer my H had my son living with him and I have to admit, I had the best summer in years. I went away most weekends and just enjoyed life. I figured that it made up for the year before that when my H didn't work and sat around on his boat fishing and spending his inheritance money. 

Now I got my son back and until May, when my daughter is home for the summer, I won't be doing any overnighters. 15 years old is still too young for my son to be left alone overnight. So I have a few more years of being homebound unless my daughter is home to help me out. Fortunately she goes to school an hour away so she comes home fairly often. 

If my STBXH does remain sober and my son is comfortable with it, I can see him staying with my H at some point but right now neither he nor I are comfortable about that. My H is actually quite lonely and is always looking to spend time with my son (and me too! ). I have no problem with him being with my son as long as he's SOBER. 

At least I don't have to worry about getting a babysitter for my son if I want to go out for the evening. My son is well behaved and isn't a problem with being left home alone. 

In a few years I'll get my life back both time-wise and financially. I hope.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Freak On a Leash said:


> This is something my STBXH and I discussed when it came to support. If he'd take my son for weekends or or most of the summer it would help a lot BUT he's an alcoholic and not doing anything to get himself into a recovery program.
> 
> He's sober for the time being but given his past actions, that will soon end and can't be counted on. My son has already been through the wringer with this so I have real reservations about letting my son stay with my H for any length of time. Right now the most I'm letting him see my son is for a few hours a day for lunch and spending some time at his appointment to watch a movie or play a video game.
> 
> Why can't he have just been like MOST men and had an affair or something? :slap:


Wow, your STBXH and my xH really are similar! Mine is an alcoholic as well, sober now (I think) but I don't know how long it will last- never lasts too long, maybe a few months max. He sees the kids at my house for a few hours a day, a couple days a week or meets us at Chuck E Cheese or something on the weekends, which I of course pay for.

WHY couldn't he have had an affair, left me for his assistant, kept the job making big bucks, pay me a fair amount of CS, and take the kids every other weekend? That would be my fairy tale divorce! LOL. I could handle the cheating and abandonment given I dealt with that and more during the marriage, I just can't deal with deadbeat/bum 37yo man that can't support himself let alone help support his kids! SMH!


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

SingleInTx said:


> Wow, your STBXH and my xH really are similar! Mine is an alcoholic as well, sober now (I think) but I don't know how long it will last- never lasts too long, maybe a few months max. He sees the kids at my house for a few hours a day, a couple days a week or meets us at Chuck E Cheese or something on the weekends, which I of course pay for.
> 
> WHY couldn't he have had an affair, left me for his assistant, kept the job making big bucks, pay me a fair amount of CS, and take the kids every other weekend? That would be my fairy tale divorce! LOL. I could handle the cheating and abandonment given I dealt with that and more during the marriage, I just can't deal with deadbeat/bum 37yo man that can't support himself let alone help support his kids! SMH!


Great..yours in an alcoholic too?  I can't think of a worse scenario to deal with. 4 times in 2 years I've been running off the rails on a crazy train. The first two times I was numb and in shock. The third time I was dazed and confused but the fourth time I was done and said "time to disembark, I'm filing for divorce". 

If you want to read my story in it's entirety check this out:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/62612-after-2-years-its-finally-going-happen.html

So now he's sobered up AGAIN so it's easier to deal with him but he's still a jacka$s. He does the same thing over and over again. Drinks, gets to the point where he has to be hospitalized/detoxed, does a little rehab and pronounces himself well enough to function but never REALLY addresses his situation. He'll have a few good months and then it's back to Square 1. 

The definition of Insanity: Doing the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. 

No AA or anything like that. He believes that HE is the Higher Power. :slap:

He has the same story. "I have no money, no job, etc, etc". Tell it to the judge will be my reply. I'm done being the only parent here. He thinks that if he plays the hero taking our son out once a week for a burger and playing a video game with him it earns him a medal or something. It doesn't quite work that way. 

If my H had just had himself an affair or gave me the "I love you but am not in love with you" speech or just didn't want to be married that would be FINE. I could've dealt with that. I know men and women who have done this but they do right by their kids.

I can understand and respect anyone not wanting to stay married but the whole situation about not wanting to be a decent parent is horrible! How can you treat your kids badly? This from a man who always prided himself on being a good dad. 

IMO, it's the LOWEST of the low when a father doesn't even want to take responsibility for his kids. No matter WHAT problems the parents are having the kids should be your PRIMARY concern. I've never played games with my kids when it comes to my husband. My son can still see him provided my H is sober. I'd never do that to my son. He needs and wants to see his father and that's fine by me. 

But to not pay support to your kids? That's bullsh*t. He hasn't just not paid support, he's made life more DIFFICULT for me and our kids! What he did this past month is beyond belief. This on top of going through $100K in two years while having himself a party and now he's crying poverty. This is just digusting. And I'm supposed to feel SORRY for him? :wtf: 

If you are paying for your H to see your son in YOUR house then you are nicer than I am. I won't even let my H in my apartment and if he can't afford to feed my son then it's too bad. My son once mentioned taking food over to his father's apartment and I made it VERY clear that not a CRUMB of food is going over to his father's house. I pay for it and it STAYS here. 

My son can love his father and want to see him but he's going to know who is paying the bills and respect that. I want at least that much cred.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> Homemaker, unfortunately I do not qualify for any assistance programs, as I am not considered low-income (however I'm not much above the cutoff). I don't get the earned income credit, and I barely get a tax return despite paying almost $15,000 for daycare per year. I don't qualify for Medicaid of food stamps either, same reasons.
> 
> I'm not concerned with material things- my kids get hand-me-downs as well, I wear my clothes until I have to literally throw them away worn completely out. Wear my shoes until the heels break off. I don't need spending money or "stuff"- we play outside, hike, walk, read, swim for fun- a HUGE treat is a dollar movie, every 6 months or so. I just need to get from living barely paycheck-to-paycheck (IF I make it in between paychecks without running my gas card overlimit and overdrawing my checking account) to meet our basic needs. Our house is small and I'm not in a place to sell- I would have to bring money to the table that I don't have. My car is 5 years old with a warranty that covers repairs, trading it in would not save me anything at this point, I would end up spending more in repairs, besides, I'm upside-down on the loan a couple grand. I also live within 5 miles of the kids' school and my office. The kids' dad (xH) can't take them, ever, since he doesn't have a place to live.
> 
> I think I've come up with a sort-of solution though! I am planning to begin hosting an overnight babysitting session at my house once or twice a month on weekends, where parents can pay me $25 or $30 to keep their children 7pm-10am or something, while they go out- cheap for them but if I get 5 or 6 kids I can make enough cash to cover the electric bill or car insurance, or both. I can do this any day I don't have work or church in the morning, so probably 2-3 times per month, at $100/night average? $300 bucks/mo for basically having a sleepover for my kiddos and friends! I don't know why I hadn't thought of this prior, except that childcare ads by private caregivers/SAHM's/single parents are abundant on places like craigslist, so I don't know what kind of response I'd get. Worth putting it out there though.


Well, can you ask for a 30-hour workweek or even a 38-hour workweek or a couple weeks off in the summer unpaid with the reduced pay and the same benefits? Then you would qualify for the childcare, and also need less of it! How cool is that?

Sometimes reducing your income, although it's not what most people look at when they think about their budget process, is what it takes to make your life really work for you. Then, you could maybe pursue a hobby but set it up as a business, the first couple years you can take a loss or break even, but if you're using a home office, you can write off some utilities and even part of your home. Be careful with the day care, there are all kinds of licensing things required. I don't think that would be a good candidate for tax write-offs though you could set it up as giving lessons in something, like do a language or cooking or something with the kids. Then charge for that, not an overnight kid sitting party ;-) Thus reducing taxes and letting more money into your pocket. Now is also a good time to take investment losses, if you have any investment losses to take. You might also look into bringing your loans to a credit union. They offer better rates and it's nice to keep your money local so that others in your community can borrow it from the credit union...it also establishes credit with them so if you ever need a business loan or anything like that, they can help you out with it. 

You have a lot of constraints but mentally you can learn to see through, around or over them, or just learn to see them differently, i.e. you can't increase your work hours, but if you reduce them just a bit....


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Last summer my H had my son living with him and I have to admit, I had the best summer in years. I went away most weekends and just enjoyed life. I figured that it made up for the year before that when my H didn't work and sat around on his boat fishing and spending his inheritance money.
> 
> Now I got my son back and until May, when my daughter is home for the summer, I won't be doing any overnighters. 15 years old is still too young for my son to be left alone overnight. So I have a few more years of being homebound unless my daughter is home to help me out. Fortunately she goes to school an hour away so she comes home fairly often.
> 
> ...


I finally feel comfortable enough with my kids being older and their dad being more competent (he's not my exH I've been talking about...) to put them in summer camp for 2 weeks and leave them for an additional 3 to go to Mongolia. Of course I have friends who know my kids and also they have an older brother who will be 23, and his girlfriend, so I have fallback if needed.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I finally feel comfortable enough with my kids being older and their dad being more competent (he's not my exH I've been talking about...) to put them in summer camp for 2 weeks and leave them for an additional 3 to go to Mongolia. Of course I have friends who know my kids and also they have an older brother who will be 23, and his girlfriend, so I have fallback if needed.


Last summer my STBXH had his act together and I had no problem with having my son live with him. Unfortunately I put too much trust in my H and it bit me back in the butt big time. I should've seen the writing on the wall but chose to ignore it. 

I won't make the same mistake twice. I had a great time last summer but I'm going to have be on top of things this time around. I won't be able to afford to do as much anyway so I guess it works out. 

In a few years when my son is older things should work themselves out. Hopefully. Fortunately my son is a good kid so I'm not worried that he'll be getting into trouble but he needs a parent right now and that's me.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> Last summer my STBXH had his act together and I had no problem with having my son live with him. Unfortunately I put too much trust in my H and it bit me back in the butt big time. I should've seen the writing on the wall but chose to ignore it.
> 
> I won't make the same mistake twice. I had a great time last summer but I'm going to have be on top of things this time around. I won't be able to afford to do as much anyway so I guess it works out.
> 
> In a few years when my son is older things should work themselves out. Hopefully. Fortunately my son is a good kid so I'm not worried that he'll be getting into trouble but he needs a parent right now and that's me.


My kids want to go to Mongolia with me. I'm guessing that in future, that will probably happen, and I warned them in advance, they'll be put in a home day care over there when I work. But this year, they're going to an American camp, and daddy's house.  I told him he can keep the child support for that month, to take the edge off. He's going to have to figure out for himself how to manage his weekend 100 mile race...if he can't figure that out, maybe he should hang up his daddy hat. I mean, if something happened to me he would be left with kids all on his own, or even with the kids on his own and having to facilitate visitation with me and their older half brother. So maybe he should not have had kids if he can't deal with that, oops too late.

ONE THING THIS POST HAS BROUGHT TO MIND is that if your ex's or daddy's out there have issues, you should make absolutely certain you have a care plan set up for your kids in the case of you being dead or disabled or laid up. Otherwise things could go very badly. You can put things like that in a living will, or attached to it. Just assign someone else as legal guardian and put your desires down in writing, that way at least if the kids go to the alcoholic or otherwise irresponsible dad, it will have to hit the court first or a guardian ad litem, and they'll get the message that the care needs to be monitored or child is at risk with the father (or mother, if that's the case.)


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> ONE THING THIS POST HAS BROUGHT TO MIND is that if your ex's or daddy's out there have issues, you should make absolutely certain you have a care plan set up for your kids in the case of you being dead or disabled or laid up. Otherwise things could go very badly. You can put things like that in a living will, or attached to it. Just assign someone else as legal guardian and put your desires down in writing, that way at least if the kids go to the alcoholic or otherwise irresponsible dad, it will have to hit the court first or a guardian ad litem, and they'll get the message that the care needs to be monitored or child is at risk with the father (or mother, if that's the case.)



:iagree: That's a very good point! Fortunately my daughter is 18 and is supporting herself and is a second mother to my son, who is 15. She is basically his guardian. 

I think my STBXH wants to take care of my son. He keeps saying he's not an "absentee" father. I'll give him that but he's being a deadbeat, that's for sure.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Freak On a Leash said:


> :iagree: That's a very good point! Fortunately my daughter is 18 and is supporting herself and is a second mother to my son, who is 15. She is basically his guardian.
> 
> I think my STBXH wants to take care of my son. He keeps saying he's not an "absentee" father. I'll give him that but he's being a deadbeat, that's for sure.


Your daughter should still state her preference, in writing for who it is that would care for should something happen to her. One of you, you or your ex would have to be her guardian if she's not married. And, state your preference for son being cared for by his sister, which is not an unusual situation.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I wouldn't suggest lowering your income to take advantage of the system as HNU suggests. As a taxpayer, I appreciate your willingness to work all of the hours you are capable of.

In addition to your babysitting, could you delivery newspapers or have some other small business at home you could work on in the evenings? Any special talents you could capitalize on? And continue to look for a responsible roommate. It sucked having a roommate as an adult - I did it for several years but it enabled me to save a substantial amount.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I wouldn't suggest lowering your income to take advantage of the system as HNU suggests. As a taxpayer, I appreciate your willingness to work all of the hours you are capable of.
> 
> In addition to your babysitting, could you delivery newspapers or have some other small business at home you could work on in the evenings? Any special talents you could capitalize on? And continue to look for a responsible roommate. It sucked having a roommate as an adult - I did it for several years but it enabled me to save a substantial amount.


The issue is, she will have to use the taxpayer system when she either loses her job by ultimately having to put her children first in a crisis, or to cover her losses when she can't pay the mortgage, or the burden on the health care system from the stress. Being secure in knowing you can pay all your bills adds to the GDP through being able to avoid stress and increase productivity. It's essential to take a long-term viewpoint. I'd rather have my next generation be fully developed as individuals with their individual talents nurtured than to have a day care assembly line regressing to the mean, and kids who have no clue how a family works, or teens who are left to their own devices after school (adding to the need to expend the public dollar on reparations later on down the line.)

IF she is able to FIRST give herself more time and a better center of balance where she is then able to develop her own talents with the extra time, who's to say that using the day care assistance while also having to use less day care, isn't going to result in her actually having time for her own business, and then not needing day care at all, because she doesn't need the outside job? Maybe she'll be able to work 1/2 time with benefits and then have her own company, employee people, and be child-friendly.

Jumping to conclusions based on a short-term situation is what keeps our economy from growing, by preventing people from situations that increase their productivity vs. turning them into rats on a treadmill. 

A short term investment of public dollars to fund a paradigm transition in the way someone earns income is not a waste of public tax dollars. It's an investment in individual talent and skills, and also an investment into the next generation, which our generation is going to need.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You are assuming she will loose her job over her children or need the government to step in for medical reasons or foreclosure - I don't think we should assume that.

I just think lowering hours to get more social benefits isn't a good way to accomplish her financial goals. Look for a better paying job or one that is more family-friendly makes more sense to me.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, Single in TX - another idea - do you have a gym in your area? Often they need childcare and you can take your own. And a lady at my office works as the childcare coordinator at her church - she gets $500 a month to make sure the nursery, toddler and young children areas are staffed. She takes her own daughter and works one of the rooms. That's a short time (couple hours a Sunday) to make a real nice chunk of cash!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

SingleInTx said:


> My childcare is paid for through my flex spending account and it has to be paid to a licensed provider- I can't put them in a home daycare or anything like that, and they're at a decent family owned place that cut me a deal for enrolling them both, not one of those corporate places that charges almost double what I pay.
> 
> The good news is that my oldest starts public school in August so that will save me about $375/mo.
> 
> My car has 4 years left on the note. Unfortunately I had to buy a new to me car last year when my previous vehicle was totaled.


I was going to say, you just gotta truck along until your kids start school. When you no longer have to pay for 8-5 day care you'll be in a much better position.

I'm on the opposite end of your fight. I'm really tired of "the system" it just seems to screw everyone.


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## doureallycare2 (Dec 10, 2012)

I got on your topic because I was hoping to find hope.... My first court date is 2/5 and I’m so scared. I just know he will get out having to give me the support I need and probably even his pension. Almost all my fear is financial and also how he intimidates me. Not much faith in my lawyer and bills just keep adding up.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, can you ask for a 30-hour workweek or even a 38-hour workweek or a couple weeks off in the summer unpaid with the reduced pay and the same benefits? Then you would qualify for the childcare, and also need less of it! How cool is that?
> 
> Sometimes reducing your income, although it's not what most people look at when they think about their budget process, is what it takes to make your life really work for you. Then, you could maybe pursue a hobby but set it up as a business, the first couple years you can take a loss or break even, but if you're using a home office, you can write off some utilities and even part of your home. Be careful with the day care, there are all kinds of licensing things required. I don't think that would be a good candidate for tax write-offs though you could set it up as giving lessons in something, like do a language or cooking or something with the kids. Then charge for that, not an overnight kid sitting party ;-) Thus reducing taxes and letting more money into your pocket. Now is also a good time to take investment losses, if you have any investment losses to take. You might also look into bringing your loans to a credit union. They offer better rates and it's nice to keep your money local so that others in your community can borrow it from the credit union...it also establishes credit with them so if you ever need a business loan or anything like that, they can help you out with it.
> 
> You have a lot of constraints but mentally you can learn to see through, around or over them, or just learn to see them differently, i.e. you can't increase your work hours, but if you reduce them just a bit....


Homemaker, that's not an option for me- I have moved up in my career field in the last few years and have the potential to make more money within the next few years- I work for an amazing company and get annual raises. If I were to ask for reduced pay/hours that would greatly impact my career path which would not be a good long-term move (I'm 27 and have many years left to work and my company only promotes internally, rarely hires externally). 

My loan and CC are both with my credit union- couldn't agree more on that! 

I am registered and background checked through TXDFPS to provide childcare in my home, as I used to when my sons were very little and I was on extended maternity leave.

Update- I've taken on some side work working on budgets and finance reconciliation for (right now) a couple of friends who have small/home businesses but not the accounting knowledge to figure out all the tax issues and write-offs- I owned a very profitable small business with my ex-husband so I'm relatively experienced in that domain- that should make me a few bucks. 

My saving grace is that my oldest son starts Kindergarten in August which will reduce my monthly daycare bill from $1200 to $829 (losing multi-child discount at daycare and adding in after-school care) but it's something 

As always I appreciate the way your mind works- thinking outside the box and examining all angles!


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I wouldn't suggest lowering your income to take advantage of the system as HNU suggests. As a taxpayer, I appreciate your willingness to work all of the hours you are capable of.
> 
> In addition to your babysitting, could you delivery newspapers or have some other small business at home you could work on in the evenings? Any special talents you could capitalize on? And continue to look for a responsible roommate. It sucked having a roommate as an adult - I did it for several years but it enabled me to save a substantial amount.


I think it would be a short-term fix that could hurt my career long-term, and I am not willing to do that as I work for a fantastic company and it'll pay off financially down the road- they take good care of us and the more experience I get & projects I work for them, the more I see my salary increase year by year. 

My ONLY issue with a second job is that I work on a project-by-project basis- it's 8-6 M-F BUT for example today with clients in town, and this happens a few times a month, I'm wining and dining them until probably midnight- I don't have the option to decline and I would have to call in to my additional job last-minute. Same for weekends- last-minute travel pops up about once a month and I seriously hesitate to commit to a second job not only because of childcare constraints but also for fear of being unreliable as my career job is of utmost priority.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Oh, Single in TX - another idea - do you have a gym in your area? Often they need childcare and you can take your own. And a lady at my office works as the childcare coordinator at her church - she gets $500 a month to make sure the nursery, toddler and young children areas are staffed. She takes her own daughter and works one of the rooms. That's a short time (couple hours a Sunday) to make a real nice chunk of cash!


Enjoli, see my above post on a second job- it's absolutely not that I'm unwilling- I've looked into options like what you suggested which would be great if my schedule wasn't so frequently hectic outside of work hours at my career job. Thank you for the suggestion and I hope it helps someone else!


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

Gaah can I hijack my own thread?! It's finance related, don't worry 

So xH has been renting out our old house that was awarded to him in the divorce, for $1050/mo. This is INCOME in addition to what he's earning at his job, and I just found out and can now include that in my case for more CS (getting the state min right now).

I just called the OAG and they STILL have xH as unable to locate since he doesn't have a home address, and they had a PO box on file as his work address although I have sent his physical work address to them numerous times so they can freaking serve him the paperwork to go back to court!!!!!

GOVERNMENT SYSTEMS... UGH!!!!!!!!!!

Frustrating when you realize as I have time and time again, that you are the only one who can advocate for yourself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

You can hire a private investigator to serve him personally. It will cost $100-$200 depending on your area but they put forth the effort if he's not at the first place they look and they aren't in a uniform if he's ducking. Might be worth it.


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## SingleInTx (Jan 18, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> You can hire a private investigator to serve him personally. It will cost $100-$200 depending on your area but they put forth the effort if he's not at the first place they look and they aren't in a uniform if he's ducking. Might be worth it.


I would LOVE to, trust me- however since he pays through the Attorney General's office it's considered a "full-service" case as they do the garnishment and disbursement, and they will not let me hire a process server independently. It is super frustrating. 

I spoke with them again yesterday and they told me "we can serve him at work, no problem- but we only have a PO Box address for his office." This is BS! I have sent his physical work address to them multiple, multiple times. They updated it *again* and supposedly within 2 weeks he'll be served.

Not holding my breath but it's something I guess.


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