# How to Help Hubby...



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Tonight my husband is noticeably depressed. He is snide and rude when I try talking to him, almost as if I should know what's going on in his mind.

When he did speak he said he was unhappy with his job because it no longer supports us. Apparently we are going into debt, (I wouldn't know - he never discusses finances with me), because he isn't making enough.

I know he feels a lot of demands right now... Because the baby is very often demanding, and doesn't sleep (ever!) LoL he often comes home from work, rests a little bit, (even though I'm dying for a break), cooks dinner, then looks after baby while I shower. Because our bathroom is downstairs, I always get "hurry!" From him. I don't mind hurrying, but I'd like a break, too! I deal with the baby all day while he's at work and she NEVER sleeps long enough for me to do things (like shower, clean, cook, etc).

We're both stressed out, and I'm not sure how to soothe and reassure him. Baby is only 5 weeks old, we only have one vehicle at the moment, and even if I did find a job, chances are we would be at a loss to find someone to watch baby.

Anyways, I guess that's all beside the point. He feels trapped, stuck (saying hurtful things like, "oh, and you want another one?" When the baby won't stop crying). He's just being so negative. I just want to help him feel better. I feel stuck in my own way - helpless to support my husband the way he needs to be supported...

And thoughts? Otherwise, just a vent... Depression is contagious I think... I don't want to come down with it... :/
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## resetbuttonpushed (May 13, 2012)

Can you get a sister and spend a night alone with both of you getting a full night rest? Like mil or mom to take a night?
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

See this is another post that makes me look like a *****. If I were you I would have outright told him to kiss my rear end.. I'll take as long as I need in the shower. Of course that wouldn't help your situation any.. he really does need to understand your tired as hell too. I have two toddlers and will soon have another within this month. My husband works as well (He recently got a job as an armed security guard and he is basically on call) but he doesn't mind letting me take a break enough for a shower or relaxing bath. Perhaps... you could write him a love poem? Or simply go over to him, sit in his lap, give him a big smooch then tell him you understand he's tired but you would appreciate if he understood your tired as well. You could also say something like this in addition... "I understand your worried about the finances babe but just remember that no matter what we are in this together. We are a team, a partnership, and I will always be there for you." Oh and you could also suggest getting a little help from welfare. They do provide daycare, foodstamps, and sometimes help with utilities.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

resetbuttonpushed said:


> Can you get a sister and spend a night alone with both of you getting a full night rest? Like mil or mom to take a night?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You could also do that for childcare if it's an option.. (I know it's not for me and hubby :/)


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Unlikely - my family lives in another city, and his family lives out of state. And I won't trust a stranger. Period.

Even if my mom or sis decided they could take her - they would expect to be paid somehow, and the expense of dropping her off and picking her up would likely cause more stress for him. He hates going to family functions because the cost of gas makes it ridiculously expensive... 

Did you change your username? LoL!
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I've tried being empathetic - he isn't respondind for some reason. He's stressed about the car, (our only car keeps overheating - despite the fact that we just replaced the radiator, thermostat and water pump - that all went on the credit card), he doesn't make a lot at his job - 100% of his paycheck goes to rent and utilities and we're trying to live the best we can off of his tips.

We have food stamps (thank goodness), and we're on the waiting list for housing assistance. It's been almost a year since we applied, and we're still waiting.

I'm trying to do the best I can, but I get the impression I'm just not doing enough because I'm not earning a paycheck. 

I can go through all this - all this stress and still be glad I have him by my side... But tonight I'm thinking he wishes he didn't have this burden. 

I don't want this to start a fight, but I can see he's just seething and won't talk to me. :/
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

When my hubby and i had a car.. we had the same problem with it overheating... it ended up being because something was cracked.. don't remember what but i do remember after about 10 mins of driving .. smoke would start pouring out of the hood so we had to stop and let it cool off frequently. Either way the car had to go because of that so we took it to the junk yard and got some money for it. You would probably be better off getting a new vehicle... and good that you got foodstamps. Yes situations like this are hard.. hell my hubby and I are waiting for foodstamps ourselves... we had been waiting for about three months, kept showing them the documents they asked for only to find out recently they closed our case. So.. we have to reapply for everything.. foodstamps, medicaid, and childcare... I'm hoping this time they hurry up and give it to us because I have a baby due to pop out anytime between now and june 27th... so yeah the medicaid would really help lol. As far as our utilities... we are a bit late on our electric and we haven't even had enough to turn on gas yet.. but thankfully we did have enough with income tax to pay for rent six months in advance.. so that is something we don't have to worry about. I know it's rough and I hope your hubby can hang in there. I guess he just needs a bit of space? If your not breastfeeding.. maybe a drink or two with him(after babies in bed) would help him relax?


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oh and don't feel bad.. I've felt the same way... and what helped me is when i actually admitted feeling this way to my hubby. Maybe if you let him know how your feeling that could help as well?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Or simply go over to him, sit in his lap, give him a big smooch then tell him you understand he's tired but you would appreciate if he understood your tired as well. You could also say something like this in addition... "I understand your worried about the finances babe but just remember that no matter what we are in this together. We are a team, a partnership, and I will always be there for you."


Tried this. Was met with a scoff and a roll of the eyes. And he makes some snide comment implying that we aren't partners because he does "everything".

He hasn't been like this in quite a while - obviously he's overwhelmed, and I'm starting to feel overwhelmed as well with his stonewalling and apparent disdain.

I told him if he didn't feel like making dinner tonight then not to. I'd rather not have dinner then deal with the aftermath. :/
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

For the love of pete... I understand being stressed but it's not right to take it out on your spouse. Stuff like that could lead to stuff like... "Well **** YOU THEN ******* SINCE WE ARE SUCH A ****ING BURDEN THEN ME AND THE BABY WILL LEAVE!!!" (This actually happened between my own hubby and I because i got fed up with him and his mother going to the bar and leaving me at the house by myself, ect ect) And ... then escalate from there. You should let him know you understand he is stressed but your not his personal punching bag per say... and you don't appreciate the snide remarks as it hurts your feelings.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I calmed the baby enough and put her to bed - holding my breath at the moment because she is not a good sleeper at all!

I put my arms around hubby and said, "I hate it when you're quiet and won't talk to me... try not to stress - all things are temporary". He rolled his eyes and said he was just tired. At this point I said, "if you keep up this attitude I'm going keep you up like I did last night!" (Flirting - we had a pretty randy evening yesterday  ) He smiled and poked me in the tummy. 

I just wish there were a way for me to generate income right now, in a way they wouldn't cost me more than I would make.

I really feel for him... He has the burden of taking care of all of us... And he rarely complains... But when he does, it just makes me feel so helpless! :/

He's downstairs feeding our doggies right now... Let's hope he can get back up here and in bed before baby wakes up. Even though it's only 9:30. LoL 

Thanks for your ideas. And for relating. I'm trying my best to really be aware of some patterns I have that escalate things. (In the past this definitely would have been a fight). Been reading a lot about codependancy lately, in this book, it states that doing things normally "will feel wrong at first".

You got that right! LoL! 
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Do you like to write? If so.. I know a way you can make money from home just by writing. Of course it's having the time, energy, and concentration ... Right now what I'm doing is... inbox dollars(doesn't make much even as a gold member but it's still money) I did used to write on Elance.com but i am normally too tired to do that lately... you might be able to do it with just one kid though. Another thing I've been working on doing is writing a book and plan to put it up for sale on scribd. You could make money that way too... with scribd that is... these are all jobs you can do on a computer at home. Elance will probably make you the most though imo.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That and if you want to give it a shot... make perfume and sell that... or make certain items, dolls, whatever and sell those. I know someone on here has an etsy store... you could give that a shot too if you wanted.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Hey! Those are neat ideas! And I love to write! Does the subject matter vary? I'm wondering if I can do it from mobile... I don't own a computer... (Someday... ::sigh:
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Elance has a mobile site so you can check that out..


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

and you can access scribd and inbox dollars on mobile too.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

oooh btw... if you sign up for inbox dollars... would you mind putting me as your referer? lol You don't have to if you don't want to though. Same with elance...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Elance you have an opportunity to choose from writing blogs, new articles, magazine articles, ghost writing, editing, ect ect so it's a variety there.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

scribd you could put a book, poetry, stuff along those lines... and the min you can sell for is 1 dollar


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

It sounds like you're doing really well. I remember five weeks after my first daughter was born I was basically a total basket case. Looking back, definitely had some depression stuff that wasn't dealt with well, then my husband got depressed, neither of us talked about it and it was **** for about two years. I don't recommend you doing what we did!

My first daughter didn't sleep well either and she cried a lot. Here's what I did;
-try and get hold of a good carrier. NOT a Baby Bjorn, they are uncomfortable and lots of babies hate them. Try a maya wrap style, or a mei tai. Sounds like finances are really tight, try freecycle or similar. If you find a carrier that suits you and your baby they are great because you can get them to have their day sleeps in them and still get laundry, dishes and even cooking done. My daughter never slept more that 30 minutes on her own in bed during the day, but would go for an hour and a half in the carrier.
-have a nap every day, even if there's a lot to do. You may be coping with the sleep deprivation now, but it's really cumulative. Your sleep needs to be top priority.
-she will sleep longer stretches, but maybe not for a while and it's not linear. So there won't be steady improvement. Ignore other parents who say their baby is sleeping through at five/six/seven weeks. I know lots of people whose babies did this and they all started waking again at four months or so. Or at nine months. Or 12 months. Or three years. 
-be sympathetic to your husband, but don't allow his resentment to spill over to make you feel you're not doing enough. Caring for a sleep challenged newborn is really really hard, relentless and inescapable.
-later, when things settle a bit, could you look into doing at-home daycare? I don't know what the requirements are where you are, I'm in Australia, but it might be a way for you to generate some income while caring for your baby as well.

Things will change, more quickly than you can imagine. I have two daughters now and is amazing how much easier the second was, just because I knew whatever was difficult at that moment would be gone in a couple of months. Much less stress. Also, you get used to broken sleep. I used to proclaim that I NEEDED 9 hours of unbroken sleep a night, ha! I haven't slept longer than four hours at a stretch for five years and it's fine. 

Hang in there. There's a good book called 'The Post Baby Conversation' that might be useful.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Thanks for the great suggestions, and no, I don't mind putting you down as the referrer! 

I make custom dolls and drawings, but not many people are interested in art these days. My last commission was a year ago... I'd put things on ebay - but not a lot of hits, unfortunately. I'll have to try etsy and see if I have any luck with that! 
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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lol i would buy your dolls and art when i have the money.  Also.. one thing that helped with my son... that i wish i had got with my daughter.. was those swaddle me blankets.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Your sleep needs to be top priority.


I agree with that... don't do like i did and end up running into walls, breaking dishes and cutting yourself while trying to clean.. lol.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Sleep... What is that?? LoL 
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