# Question for men but women please feel free to respond



## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it? 
If you leave and you get into another relationship are you anymore happier than you were in your pervious relationship? My husband had and affair & before he thought she was leaving her husband for him he claim the were "perfect" together. He could be with her forever!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it?
> If you leave and you get into another relationship are you anymore happier than you were in your pervious relationship? My husband had and affair & before he thought she was leaving her husband for him he claim the were "perfect" together. He could be with her forever!


'New' is not perfect. It just means you haven't found the friction points yet.

However, the fact he left even when she wasn't available indicates he is done. Not sure why, and he may regret it, but he is.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it?


Obviously, that's gonna depend on the man.


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## gbrad (Jul 20, 2010)

I expect that I will eventually leave. I think in the end it will be the best thing for both of us. I don't think either of us are ready for it at this point, but will both have the potential to be happier with someone else.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it?
> If you leave and you get into another relationship are you anymore happier than you were in your pervious relationship? My husband had and affair & before he thought she was leaving her husband for him he claim the were "perfect" together. He could be with her forever!


You try to fix yourself because that's all you can do.The other person needs to work on themselves as well.If one or both people aren't willing to do that then it's better to get out.

You aren't going to be happy in any relationship if you don't work out issues that you have within yourself first.If you aren't happy nothing works.


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## scione (Jul 11, 2011)

For me, I would try everything I can to fix it and I'll never be the one to initiate a divorce. I can always fix the problems. If one day I can't fix it, I'll just let it be.

Life is not all about marriage. I mean I can exercise, play sports, and do other entertaining things. If a man is not happy in a marriage, woman is not the problem, unless she's abusive. I don't really understand what it means "Happy in a marriage." You can only be happy with yourself. You do stuff that makes you happy.


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## JohnnyTheRomantic (Jun 7, 2013)

Eliserobin78 said:


> If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it?
> If you leave and you get into another relationship are you anymore happier than you were in your pervious relationship? My husband had and affair & before he thought she was leaving her husband for him he claim the were "perfect" together. He could be with her forever!


So this really depends on a number of key factors. 1) how many years have we/you been together? 2) Are both parties willing to change? 3) what are the root cause of the unhappiness. this takes some reflection and digging. 4) how consistent will the relationship be after the changes are made? do they survive for weeks and then slip off and have to have another conversation or just the one time and the commitment is there.

So with my first wife (highschool sweethearts, first kid at 21 for me, 19 for her, had a total of 4 kids together, divorced after 13 years). There was no fixing it. The issues were too deep and severe, mainly her priorities were screwed. 1) her 2) her friends 3) kids 4) pets 5) strangers then 6) me. The attitude and hate towards me was 'beyond the fixing it point'. She wanted to fix, i had 'emotionally checked out'. I am having challenges in my current relationship, there are a couple of threads. 

Leaving a marriage and getting into a new relationship. This is a difficult question. The first part of the new relationship is spun up in excitement, newness and the honeymoon period. The real happiness test comes after the honeymoon period is over. As a general comment, every relationship gets better if you learn from the previous ones.

Sounds like your H had Emotional needs (EN) met outside the marriage (EA,PA).

Only you can decide if you are willing to repair the relationship and get past the A. Picture yourself 5 years from now in an argument, would you throw the A at him? Will you secretly resent him for his actions and say you are over it, or can you truly get past it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If I was unhappy, then I would try to fix it. Of course I would also only try but for so long. You can only hold out for hope for so long before reality kicks in, and then you're left with knowing sometimes some things were not meant to be.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Try to fix it before leaving.


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

JohnnyTheRomantic said:


> So this really depends on a number of key factors. 1) how many years have we/you been together? 2) Are both parties willing to change? 3) what are the root cause of the unhappiness. this takes some reflection and digging. 4) how consistent will the relationship be after the changes are made? do they survive for weeks and then slip off and have to have another conversation or just the one time and the commitment is there.
> 
> So with my first wife (highschool sweethearts, first kid at 21 for me, 19 for her, had a total of 4 kids together, divorced after 13 years). There was no fixing it. The issues were too deep and severe, mainly her priorities were screwed. 1) her 2) her friends 3) kids 4) pets 5) strangers then 6) me. The attitude and hate towards me was 'beyond the fixing it point'. She wanted to fix, i had 'emotionally checked out'. I am having challenges in my current relationship, there are a couple of threads.
> 
> ...


Let me give you a little bak ground. I meet my husband in high school. We started dating in the 10th grade. He want to college together, and during college we broke up. Well he broke up with me. He needed "space". Then got back together he did all the coming back not me. Than he while he was in medical school he broke up with me again. I guess "space". I gave it to him. Then when he started residency we moved into together he wanted it again. I was so in love with him I want back. We was very happy too. We decided to get married a year later want to the justice of peace. Then a year later we had a huge ceremony. We decided to start a family . We tried & find out we had fertility issues. So after months of trying to fixed it nothing worked. So our last option was Invitro. On our 1st try we got pregnant. After having our son my husband was finally his fellowship. so we moved 45 mins away from our pervious home to start our new journey. We decided i'll stay home with our son which i was a little nervous and happy about. Before our son all i did was work. Things around here got tense because we were in a new on not net any family. It was just us. I craved adult attention, and he was just adjusting to ok. He loves what he does and put his heart into it. We did not domuch of anything, no date night, sex was less, we barley talked unless it was about our son. The 1st year of being a mom was hard. I kept my son in many activities & I think it drained me. I needed more. Almost two years ago my husband got a FB request from a co-worker he & I was hesitant to him being FB friends with co-workers. He excepted her then deleted her. She proceed to message him who she was so he excepted her again. Needless to say I was felted very wary about it. Well a year & half later I found out he was having a affair with her. I kinda felted it for a while kind of caught him many times in lies but he denied them. Till I found a way to get all his texts message of the computer. Of course devesated & hurt in everyday. I immediately told the OW husband. He claimed he had a idea but was not sure. My huband told me at the time he has been feeling unhappy since we we found out about our infertility issues. He told me he felted like our relationship old, stale, not exciting. He told me his heart was not into anymore. He told me he feel in love with the OW. He wanted to be with her, they are 100% compatible, she was his soulmate. He never felt like this toward a woman like this before. He would be completely happy for life with her. Now the OW is married with three children. She had her 1st child when he was 16. Her husband executed her & child as his own. They got married & had two child of there own. Needless to say she never left her husband. she was trying to work it out. My husband I guess was hurt. He still said he did not want to work it out because his heart was not in it. He sad he just gave up. It's been three months since the affair. I he still has not moved out yet. He still talks to her, and climas her husband knows. He said he feelings for her has not change. He say he thought about wiring it out but the thought made him miserable. He said during the three months after the affair he tried but he was not feeling it at ll. His feelings for me has not changed either. I guess the plan I stay at in our house with our son while he lives in a apartment for two years. Once I'm done I move out find a job then we get divorce. I tried to fight but I'm fighting alone. Recently her husband called my house telling me the texting did not stop & he find a txt from him saying he loves her and miss her. And her husband put her out, but I don't think she left. I heard every since the affair he told her to get out a couple times before. Nothing ever transpired. This whole situation is a mess!!!!!!!!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

To answer your question, I try to fix it for a while. But at some point I just give up. Especially if I don't see my efforts reciprocated. Especially if I don't feel like I'm being made a priority.


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## Eliserobin78 (Jun 8, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> To answer your question, I try to fix it for a while. But at some point I just give up. Especially if I don't see my efforts reciprocated. Especially if I don't feel like I'm being made a priority.


I tried nothing seems to be working he is set on his heart is not there. He is in love with someone else so it's hard to be with me. I feel like she is the priority.


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## JohnnyTheRomantic (Jun 7, 2013)

Eliserobin78 said:


> Let me give you a little bak ground. I meet my husband in high school. We started dating in the 10th grade. He want to college together, and during college we broke up. Well he broke up with me. He needed "space". Then got back together he did all the coming back not me. Than he while he was in medical school he broke up with me again. I guess "space". I gave it to him. Then when he started residency we moved into together he wanted it again. I was so in love with him I want back. We was very happy too. We decided to get married a year later want to the justice of peace. Then a year later we had a huge ceremony. We decided to start a family . We tried & find out we had fertility issues. So after months of trying to fixed it nothing worked. So our last option was Invitro. On our 1st try we got pregnant. After having our son my husband was finally his fellowship. so we moved 45 mins away from our pervious home to start our new journey.


got it. sounds like there were some challenges you worked through together as a couple/team.



Eliserobin78 said:


> We decided i'll stay home with our son which i was a little nervous and happy about. Before our son all i did was work. Things around here got tense because we were in a new on not net any family. It was just us. I craved adult attention, and he was just adjusting to ok.


What activities/interests/hobbies do you like to do? Finding something you like to do, doing it. Dont feel guilty about putting your child into care for the time you are doing your activity. Everyone needs time.



Eliserobin78 said:


> He loves what he does and put his heart into it. We did not domuch of anything, no date night, sex was less, we barley talked unless it was about our son. The 1st year of being a mom was hard. I kept my son in many activities & I think it drained me. I needed more.


i am living through kids first, then relationship. This is common. Like some of the other threads, the spouse is very important, if not more important. (ok ladies, dont beat me up on this - there are other threads that debate this. I am merely pointing out a different position that 'protective momma bear').




Eliserobin78 said:


> Almost two years ago my husband got a FB request from a co-worker he & I was hesitant to him being FB friends with co-workers. He excepted her then deleted her. She proceed to message him who she was so he excepted her again. Needless to say I was felted very wary about it. Well a year & half later I found out he was having a affair with her. I kinda felted it for a while kind of caught him many times in lies but he denied them. Till I found a way to get all his texts message of the computer. Of course devesated & hurt in everyday. I immediately told the OW husband. He claimed he had a idea but was not sure. My huband told me at the time he has been feeling unhappy since we we found out about our infertility issues. He told me he felted like our relationship old, stale, not exciting. He told me his heart was not into anymore. He told me he feel in love with the OW. He wanted to be with her, they are 100% compatible, she was his soulmate. He never felt like this toward a woman like this before. He would be completely happy for life with her. Now the OW is married with three children. She had her 1st child when he was 16. Her husband executed her & child as his own. They got married & had two child of there own. Needless to say she never left her husband. she was trying to work it out. My husband I guess was hurt. He still said he did not want to work it out because his heart was not in it. He sad he just gave up. It's been three months since the affair. I he still has not moved out yet. He still talks to her, and climas her husband knows. He said he feelings for her has not change. He say he thought about wiring it out but the thought made him miserable. He said during the three months after the affair he tried but he was not feeling it at ll. His feelings for me has not changed either. I guess the plan I stay at in our house with our son while he lives in a apartment for two years. Once I'm done I move out find a job then we get divorce. I tried to fight but I'm fighting alone. Recently her husband called my house telling me the texting did not stop & he find a txt from him saying he loves her and miss her. And her husband put her out, but I don't think she left. I heard every since the affair he told her to get out a couple times before. Nothing ever transpired. This whole situation is a mess!!!!!!!!


So take this for what it is worth. I am not in your shoes....

If this was happening to me, WS would be booted, "papers filed", see ya. Especially with evidence of continued feelings/emotions for OW three months after DDay. To me, that is clear that WS does not want what i have to offer and time to move on. You have to make your own choice based on your situation.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Will you always feel second best IF you and him get back together? That's a role not worth playing. 
Does he feel bad for the PAIN he has caused you? Does he have remorse for YOUR suffering?? If not let him go!!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Eliserobin78 said:


> If you are not happy in your marriage do you leave or try to fix it?
> If you leave and you get into another relationship are you anymore happier than you were in your pervious relationship? My husband had and affair & before he thought she was leaving her husband for him he claim the were "perfect" together. He could be with her forever!


I'll answer as if I were in your shoes.

I'd leave because he doesn't love you and you deserve to be loved.

You will be happier in your next relationship if you get healthy first.

Self esteem, love yourself, etc.


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