# My kids and new wife



## shattered man

I guess I don?t know where to start .... I met a wonderful woman last year and we were married. Leading up to the wedding and her moving in with me everything was great. She was awesome and supportive of my kids. She said she was excited to play a role in the family. 
Well. She moved in and things changed. She?s a professional and leads a household as such. Timelines. Expectations. Punishments. Etc. my kids were in the center of a horrible divorce and I never had issues with them acting up or being disrespectful. They have since changed. She has turned the house upside down and doesn?t really see the fault in it. She has since given up on my girls and almost holds a grudge against them. We fight constantly about them. If I spend money on them it?s wasteful and they don?t appreciate it. She?s driven me to almost resent her at this point. What do I do? I can give more details in private.


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## aine

How old are you kids?
Why did you divorce your first wife, were you having an affair with your second wife?
How old is your wife? How old are you?
Why was the divorce horrible?

what exactly causes the conflict?


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## chillymorn69

Now that you see the true person she is do you still love her?

And what do you lovecabout her?

Do you think if you didn't have kids she would be the same just picking on different things?


She sounds terrible. Mabe its time to call it a day.


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## shattered man

She?s 40. No kids. Married once before. I guess the previous marriage had issues regarding his daughter.


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## MrsHolland

Have you posted this before?
Does she have her own kids?

Sorry to say but you rushed in way too fast. Blending families takes many years, first stage is for the adults to really be sure their relationship is solid (3 years is suggested). Then intro the kids slowly and do not move in together until you are sure it is all reasonably positive. 

Biggest downfalls in second marriages/ blending families is issues with the kids and then money issues. 

Whatever you do, don't sacrifice your relationship with your children for the sake of a woman. Oh and if it is not already too late get some counselling for you and your wife urgently before too much more damage is done.


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## shattered man

If I didn?t have kids. I don?t see much of an issue past her constant want for control over everything.


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## shattered man

She says I put my kids ahead of her constantly. I?m trying to be a dad to them. I pick my battles. She wants to pick wars. She?s offered to leave several times and I?ve stopped her. If she offers again. I don?t think I will. I feel horrible. She sacrificed a lot to join our family. She moved. She sold stuff because she downsized. She?s invested money into the house. She knows I can?t repay it back. She knew my financial situation and had never said a word. Yet. Money starts a fight. Even for essentials for my kids. Shampoo. Toothpaste. Etc.


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## Livvie

If you buying essentials for your children like shampoo and toothpaste starts a fight, I don't see this marriage lasting, nor do I think it should.


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## Diana7

Why did your first marriage end? Who ended it and how long after did you meet the new lady? How often do you have the children?


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## Herschel

I had a similar issue with my ex-wife. Could be a whole variety of reasons (mostly that she is 40 and didn't have kids, so it's always a new world). Maybe she is on the BDP spectrum, who knows. There could also be some validity to her feelings as a lot of divorced guys are lax on rules if the wife took care of everything.


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## frusdil

shattered man said:


> She says I put my kids ahead of her constantly. I?m trying to be a dad to them. I pick my battles. She wants to pick wars. She?s offered to leave several times and I?ve stopped her. If she offers again. I don?t think I will. I feel horrible. She sacrificed a lot to join our family. She moved. She sold stuff because she downsized. *She?s invested money into the house. She knows I can?t repay it back.* She knew my financial situation and had never said a word. Yet. Money starts a fight. Even for essentials for my kids. Shampoo. Toothpaste. Etc.


If you divorce, you'll have to pay it back, it's not her problem. Either that or you move out and sign the house over to her free and clear if you can't afford to pay her back.

Stepmum and second wife here, your wife is clearly not cut out to be a parent, and certainly not a step parent. How can she whine about the purchase of toothpaste etc. for your kids? That's insane!


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## Satya

shattered man said:


> She says I put my kids ahead of her constantly. I?m trying to be a dad to them. I pick my battles. She wants to pick wars. She?s offered to leave several times and I?ve stopped her. If she offers again. I don?t think I will. I feel horrible. She sacrificed a lot to join our family. She moved. She sold stuff because she downsized. She?s invested money into the house. She knows I can?t repay it back. She knew my financial situation and had never said a word. Yet. Money starts a fight. Even for essentials for my kids. Shampoo. Toothpaste. Etc.


My guess from the limited info is, she chose to sacrifice, allowed resentment to build, and she now feels entitled to loyalty from you/ your kids since you can never pay her back or meet her sacrifices. It's a power play after losing a lot of power, seemingly for YOU and the relationship. She would no doubt be judging the soundness of her original decisions by seeing whether you and the kids are showing appreciation (i.e., respect for her rules) and she's angry that you aren't. She probably thinks you're all ungrateful and against her. She's doing what she knows would fly at work, but the problem is that you're not her employees. 

Her anger is misdirected at you and the kids when she's really angry at herself. I agree that things moved too fast. She needed to build a relationship with your kids gradually. You say she's turned things upside down. It's your responsibility to set right the overturned apple cart, for your kids sake, and figure out if she's willing to confront and tackle her anger. 

I agree with @frusdil, she is not parent material. She doesn't seem to have the patience to learn. 

I'd strongly recommend marriage counseling.


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## shattered man

Most talks turn into fights. She?s threatened to leave several times and I?ve backed down to save the peace. But. I?m tired of it. She offers to leave again I might let her. My health is struggling with the stress. It?s taking a toll on my job as well. She thinks I?m dependent on her at this point. I?d rather live paycheck to paycheck than walk on eggshells 24/7. I feel torn between my kids and her. In the long run. My kids will trump her. Is that horrible of me to say ?


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## EleGirl

shattered man said:


> She says I put my kids ahead of her constantly. I?m trying to be a dad to them. I pick my battles. She wants to pick wars. She?s offered to leave several times and I?ve stopped her. If she offers again. I don?t think I will. I feel horrible. She sacrificed a lot to join our family. She moved. She sold stuff because she downsized. She?s invested money into the house. She knows I can?t repay it back. She knew my financial situation and had never said a word. Yet. Money starts a fight. Even for essentials for my kids. Shampoo. Toothpaste. Etc.


Did you own the house before you married her? 

What percentage of your current equity in the house did she contribute? 

If you divorce, you will most likely have to either refinance and buy her out or just sell the house and give her the amount she invested in it.

Your wife is clearly not mother material. Your obligation is to your children's welfare first.

What percentage of the time are your children with their mother?


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## GuyInColorado

Don't let her walk all over you and your girls. If it starts a big fight, who cares! Man up and don't let her disrespect you. It's good you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired. No more being scared of her leaving you and having to face a second divorce. You messed up marrying her so quickly. Admit it and learn from your mistakes. 

It's time to have a come to Jesus meeting with her. Tell her you don't see a future with her if things don't improve.

Is she contributing money towards the mortgage? If so, she'll get some of that back in a divorce. Got any dirt on her? Always can use that to your advantage to make her go away empty handed...


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## marriageontherocks2

My kids vs. a new woman? I can tell you who is winning that one every time. Don't let this woman come between you and your kids, they will resent you forever if you do. Toss her ass out to restore peace and order and you'll forever be their hero.

I agree with some others. You remarried too quickly and didn't know this woman well enough. Lesson learned.


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## shattered man

Was my house. My mortgage. She?s out in about 5k in renovations. She?s wayyyyyyyyyy better off assets wise. No prenuptial. She already stated she would walk away from me and the money. Lesson learned. So doors open for that. She?s an amazing woman other that parenting skills. I didn?t see this coming.


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## shattered man

Not sure why the ? Marks keep popping into my messages


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## Malaise

shattered man said:


> She?s 40. No kids. Married once before. I guess the previous marriage had issues regarding his daughter.


She couldn't get along with her ex's child? Did you know this before you married her?


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## shattered man

I didn?t know this till post marriage. She never mentioned it. The ex child was only 5 and I was hoping teenagers would have been a better situation


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## Lila

I went back through your posting history to get some sense of your situation. You currently have three daughters age 18, 14, 13? Looks like you were married to your previous wife for 17 years when you learned she was carrying on a long term affair with a mutual friend with money. Eventually, you two divorced and she stayed with the affair partner. Based on your posts, you had a very difficult time accepting that your three girls were accepting of your ex-wife's decision to continue the relationship with the OM. 

Its been 2 years about since i left my cheating wife......the kids all know and have forgiven her for the sake of moving on.....the loser she cheated with has money....lots of money and little by little is buying them off...it kills me inside...my girls were my life and little by little they are disappearing right in front of my eyes.....now....my 16 yr old has bought a car....i should be proud right....she saved and bought it.....but i dont believe that story...im sure HE helped her.....she didnt mention a single thing about wanting to buy a car to me at all.....so i never had any input....why do i even stick around this dump of an area if my kids dont care?? every single decision ive made since walking out on their mother has revolved around them 3 kids.....now i question it all......they lie to my face about whats going on.....they use me and my house and disrespect my rules.....i put the hammer down and they threaten to leave......im at a loss.....i thought i had beat back the depression from my marriage ending as it did now i have to weatch my kids walk away too.......HOW DO I LET GO OF ALL THIS!!!!!god forgive me

You clearly stated your girls use you and your house and disrespect your rules but when you choose to enforce some boundaries, they threaten to leave you. 



> pluto....you dont get it.....we did daycare for these kids....i was like a second father figure to these kids.....how would you take it?? wasnt an ego bruising...im not that vain....it was a sharp stick in the heart....
> yes im dating a great lady....kids like her she likes the kids...all is well on that front.....after what this has taken out of me i dont have much emotilnally to offer her yet she is still here supporting me.....she hates that my kids treat me this way and has said give it time etc....heard that alot time....they will see what was important one day.....right.....whatever lessons ive taught them have been undermined....what ever discipline i offer is laughed at.....now with that said we have had SMALLLLLL strides but their moms free for all is hard to break out of them......its a losing battle no matter what i say or do


Your current wife appears to be one of the first women you dated post divorce. But she seemed to be supportive of you and your three girls while you were dating, even going so far as to support you when your girls laughed at and undermined whatever discipline you thought to enforce.



> funny thing about your story its eerily close to mine.....I too am in a relationship post bombshell....she loves me and my kids.....however i cant allow myself to give my entire heart to her....what if.....it happens again....its a long distance relationship in the first place...so its destined for issues....i find myself so guarded....now.....almost 2 years into it shes pulling away...little by little....realizing i am forever damaged.....the thinks i still love my ex.....nothing could be further.....its the trama and shame of a failed marriage in this way.....the OM relishes in my pain as well....hes a stand up guy to begin with...NOT....every day is a new challenge and frankly im out of fighting spirit....depression has wrecked whats left of me.....even my kids now see this version of their dad is not what they have ever seen before.....


Your posts between 2013 and 2015 show that you struggled with depression and were having a difficult time giving your current wife the attention and love she craved.

All of this put together makes me think that 

a) Your girls are not as innocent in all this as you seem to believe. Your current wife may have a point about the lack of respect they show her. And she may be right that your girls do run roughshod all over you. 

b) Your current wife resents the fact you carry so much baggage from your first marriage. She feels like she's paying the price for the hell your ex put you through.

c) Your current wife should have never married you. She knew the score going into this and yet she continued to follow through. This makes me think she has her own baggage which precludes her from finding a better partner. 

You need to let your wife know your expectations with your kids. Do you want her to have them run roughshod over her? Tell her. Do you want her to ignore their bad behavior like you do? Tell her. Do you want her to be seen, not heard? Tell her.


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## shattered man

I?ve had several conversations with my ex about rules etc. she lets the girls have a long leash with them too. She?s stayed over and over she doesn?t really fight with them much because of fear of resentment. They have used money and privilege to sway them. When I can?t wont compete with money they use they. See he doesn?t care like we do scenario. I have zero support from her I?m not saying my kids are perfect by any means. But. They have been thru a lot She has no patience for them. No patience for time changes like if supper needs to move a half hour to accommodate my oldest schedule. I don?t see the problem.


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## Lila

shattered man said:


> I?ve had several conversations with my ex about rules etc. she lets the girls have a long leash with them too. She?s stayed over and over she doesn?t really fight with them much because of fear of resentment. They have used money and privilege to sway them. When I can?t wont compete with money they use they. See he doesn?t care like we do scenario. I have zero support from her I?m not saying my kids are perfect by any means. But. They have been thru a lot She has no patience for them. No patience for time changes like if supper needs to move a half hour to accommodate my oldest schedule. I don?t see the problem.


Then divorce her. Find someone who will treat your kids the same way you and your ex-wife treat them.


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## shattered man

Since you seem to have all the answers. Tell me. So if I lay down the law. Punish at every occasion. And completely drive my kids to their moms free for all. What does that accomplish ? Every family I know has its rules and fights it?s battles. With an ex that does her own thing and won?t support rules and discipline. How am I supposed to enforce a thing


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## Lila

shattered man said:


> Since you seem to have all the answers. Tell me. So if I lay down the law. Punish at every occasion. And completely drive my kids to their moms free for all. What does that accomplish ? Every family I know has its rules and fights it?s battles. With an ex that does her own thing and won?t support rules and discipline. How am I supposed to enforce a thing


I never claimed to have the answers but I do know that everyone has boundaries. You want your wife to budge on hers. It won't work. 

You are free to raise your kids however you like. Your wife doesn't have to like it and she doesn't have to put with it either. If you two cannot reach a compromise, then there's nothing else to do other than live in the turmoil or divorce. Your choice.


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## Chuck71

shattered man said:


> Since you seem to have all the answers. Tell me. So if I lay down the law. Punish at every occasion. And completely drive my kids to their moms free for all. What does that accomplish ? Every family I know has its rules and fights it?s battles. With an ex that does her own thing and won?t support rules and discipline. How am I supposed to enforce a thing


Well hell's bells...... as I live and breathe!!! You and I started on TAM at about the same time.

Every now and then.... I wondered how things were with you. PM me anytime brother!

About the girls.... they are still young....and persuadable. Most teen girls "think" they want free reign

and an endless allowance. SM.... you are their father. You know.... what they don't. The merit of a 

parent is not $-based.... it is how you raise them, teach them, help them grow into healthy women.

The way you act around them and set examples and boundaries.... each one of them are 

most likely going to seek out a man...... just like you. Did you ever seek out a Dr. for depression.

Your current W reminds me somewhat like your XW. She is a step-parent..... you are the parent.....

raising them, punishing them, whatever the course of action.... you HAVE to be on the same page.

If not.... they will play you and W off one another....like a fiddle. I'm guessing that's already a problem.

As the parent....and the H..... have a sit-down with the W. Set boundaries on rough issues.

But here's the key SM..... pay STRICT attention to what your W is saying. I'm not saying she's without

guilt at all..... but I promise you she feels like it is 4 against 1 and she is in damage control.

Regardless.... set boundaries with girls, and ENFORCE them. -Momma said we can go there and.......- 

Let 'em go. Even though kids cuss strict parents under their breath.... they secretly crave discipline. 

I'm a guy and have no daughter.....but there is something very special about daddy/daughter.

I can't explain it in words, a dad or daughter would have to. 

Daughters are in ways similar to adult females dating men. If they are weak.... yeah they may love

them but they don't respect them. 

Your W may very well be a total ball buster..... but try what I mentioned. It may help your M.

If you don't post anymore..... at least PM me, lemme know how yousa doin'


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