# I'm new, need some advice



## cBlake (Jul 29, 2015)

Wow, first off, after reading so many of these posts, I really wish I would have found this forum such a long time ago. But I'm here now and it's never too late to find support even though it may be too late to save my marriage. 

First off to explain the situation...Before my STBX (gonna refer to her as B) and I started dating, she got pregnant at 19. The bio dad ran off, and her parents were furious because of the "sex b4 marriage thing" and they hated the guy anyway. B and I were friends and I ended up picking up the pieces, we fell for eachother, we started referring to me as the kids daddy around the 6 month mark. We ended up getting married 2 years into dating, which was pushed a little sooner than I wanted by the courts not wanting to terminate the bio dads rights and saying we needed to be married for a year before I got custody. So when B was 22 and I was 24, we got married. I ended up getting the boy adopted and his name legally changed about a year and a half later. We then had a little girl. Well while all this was happening, B was going to school to get her bachelors, which she finished last May. 

I have had 6 knee surgeries on the same knee, and was on pain killers from before I met her until I finally got off them this past September (around 10 years in all on them). Well I had lost a decent job in March 2013, got an even better job in Sept '13 then lost that job in May '14. All of this was essentially because I was on such high doses of pain killers I couldn't focus. In May '14, that's when the wheels started coming off. I ended up having my 5th knee surgery in July, went and got off all the medicines in September, had another knee surgery in December (got off the pills again 2 wks after), then enrolled in my final semester of my Masters degree in February, finished that this may. But before I finished it, B moved out in April. Said that I didn't help out enough with the kids, hadn't been supporting the family (no job), hadn't been doing anything around the house, etc. She laid out a list of ultimatums, which I ended up finally finishing about a week ago. 

Throughout this separation (almost 4 months) she has played hell with my emotions and has continually said she doesn't know what she wants, doesn't know what to say, and vague things like when I ask her if she has given up she has said "yes and no" (wtf does that even mean!?!?). Anyway, she had told me about a week after moving out that she didn't love me anymore and hadn't for quite awhile. She is a very "low blow" type of fighter, and says **** all the time to try to hurt me as bad as she can. (Side note: she learned that from her mother, which had a very bad pain killer problem from the time she was 7 until the time she was 23. Her mom and her always fought, and I would be the mediator. I was the only one in that family that supported her mom when she was ready to get off of them.) 

Anyway, so in my state, idk if it's like this in others, but the way it works is the first to file for divorce gets to pretty much set the table. I filed for divorce about 2 wks after she moved out, but kept it hidden, as I didn't actually want a divorce, but I didn't want her to try to take my kids away from me and give herself primary custody and me get visitation rights. Anyway, that one ended up expiring about a few weeks ago, so right as it expired, I put in a new one so I continue to be protected. 

Throughout this all, we text a decent amount through the first few months, then she said she hadn't felt like we had really been separated, so I quit texting as much. I have repeatedly ask her if we could at least try marriage counseling, but she ignores me most of the time. 

Anyway, that catches you up on my story. So now here's the latest happenings. I found out from a convo she had on fbook (I know leave it alone, but when she tells me nothing, that's the only way I can find things out) she is planning on going to a lawyer and going to try to file (which at that point she won't be able to and will find out I filed a long time ago, because remember she still doesn't know). So I've been struggling with having her served or not because I don't want a divorce, but it's also coming on up school time and she is pushing for a new schedule with the kids and she always tries to screw me and give me as little time with them as possible because she says she has raised them pretty much by herself (110% bull****, I'm a great father), and the kids need consistency, so those two things should make them be with her the entire week and giving me occasional weekends probably would be her choice. 

Anyway, tonight she took our marriage off of Facebook and when I asked her about it and said that something like that makes me think she is seeing someone else or planning on it, she said that she is not and has no plans to, and that she can have whatever relationship she wants off of Facebook. I didn't really know exactly what she meant by that, like seeing other people, or she can take whatever she wants off of her Facebook, or that she can still have a relationship with me even if it's not on Facebook. 

I still do love her, but I've gone through 4 months of this, and while I've contacted her more than I should off and "stroked her ego and let her do what she pleases", I also have watched the kids on her normal days when she decides she wants to go out of town shopping, and keep them a few extra hours on days she is supposed to pick them up because she was out the night before getting hammered. 

She has never lived by herself, and lived with her parents until I came into the picture, then we both lived at her parents for about a year, then moved into an apartment together. Her dad and her have this kind of sick relationship and I think that's another problem, because she is "daddy's little girl" and her dad worked/took care of her and her siblings while B's mom was in bed for 16 years. So I think she expects that out of her husband, one of those "you do everything, I'll do what pleases me". 

I've been asking for a face to face convo with her for a week and she keeps putting me off and she told me today she wants to talk to her therapist and then she will have the sit down. I don't know when her therapist appointment is, but I'm wondering if I should just serve her now, or wait until we have that talk so I can see if it is 100% over instead of just 99%. I feel like she wants to talk to her therapist to see how she should bring up the divorce, which would be fine, because I've already filed and I would love to look her in the eye and say "don't worry about it, I took care of it", and that way if I have actually said something to her that resonated and she would be willing to try counseling I could at least have that chance. 

I'm thinking I might wait to serve her, have the sit down, then play it out when I hear what she has to say. And in the mean time if she is pushing for a new schedule with the kids, I will just say as I already have, that if you want a new schedule for the kids, you know where I'm at, and you can come talk to me face to face, but until I get that sit down, I'm not interested in the schedule changing. 

So I'm looking for a few things, first of all some support because I've done this all by myself for the past 4 months, secondly some advice, and thirdly to be taught about some of the resources or things you guys use like the "180" and maybe websites where I can meet some friends and to hang out because since I got into being in a family so young, I lost most of my friends and all but one that I still have live at least 3 hours away. So please, help me out. 

I'm new at separation, divorce, and this group. Sorry for the long post, but I wanted you guys to have history, plus I get long winded, and it helps to get it all out. 

Any questions you guys have to help come up with ideas, don't hesitate to ask. 

Hopefully she and nobody that knows her is on this. 

Thanks guys, I'm done!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Paragraphs.

Please.


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## cBlake (Jul 29, 2015)

Sorry Gus!! I was doing this all on my phone so i was just typing away and wasn't paying attention to how hard it would be to read. I edited it so it should be easier now. : )


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

Blake, firstly welcome.

Well there is certainly quite a bit there but I am seeing this rather as something that has perhaps come from a little more than taking care of the family or not.

From a fathers pint of view, the fact that you were willing and indeed went ahead with a means of adopting and raising a child in support of the child and your wife says quite a lot for you as a father imo so I'm not really going to dwell on the good father issue, as I don't think that is a concern.

The surgeries and subsequent health issues, I get that. I have seen my wife (to be ex at some point it would seem) through over a dozen surgeries for either ankle joint or head resulting in some pain and inability to work, and no it is not easy for either party and by the sound of it difficult work wise for you (my wife was either not working at the time or had a relatively quick recovery) but you must take stock in the fact that you have not sat back on the sofa, you have bettered yourself with a Masters, congratulations on that, not easy, I know from experience on that.

So please do take some consideration and positivity for your achievements from that.

Being new to separation is tough, as I too am finding, but at least here you are not alone, 4 months is a long time without support, and I totally understand where you are coming from with your friend being 3 hours away, it does make it tough, my family and one friend are 9 hour drive away right now and it could be the other side of the world.

I think you have done tremendously well over the last 4 months and keeping it held in, that in its self is an achievement. I don't know about serving and the such, as being UK based it is a different beast so probably best not to enter into that one!

I will say I know your fear that she or her friends do not recognise you on here, I have the same thoughts, sometimes I think it's a bit weird but can't help it, I do know she has no need of this site so would not be here, but for you I would not worry, she has not really given you any particular idea on progressing and left you somewhat dangling, so why not use the resources to hand to vent and deal with it.

Anyway, I do wish you well, all the support that can be given and just vent anytime it's needed, I do and find that can help, although find it painful at times to raise certain things as it creates the images, thoughts and pain in my head, but do look after yourself.


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## cBlake (Jul 29, 2015)

Yeah 4 months with relatively no support from anyone that's been through it has been probably the worst part. My parents live about 1 mile away, so they've helped tremendously, but they've been married for 28 years, so it's almost painful to watch them laugh together and things because that's what I thought my STBX and I would be like in another 20+ years, comfortable with each others flaws and still in love. 

I thank God that I did adopt my son so that if this does go through a divorce she can't use the "Blake isn't the father and should have no rights to him card". We don't really have money as I have been out of work for a year (start a $10/hr job in about 10 days so it's something at least, and in the state I live in, that's not great, but it will pay rent/bills at least). And we don't have many assets, don't own our home that we lived in/I still live in, my parents own it and rent is the mortgage and all repairs. 

So really only thing to fight over will be custody, but that's the one thing I won't settle for less than 50% and she probably won't settle for less than 80% custody. So that part might get ugly, I'm just thankful I filed before her so she has to fight to change it and as long as I'm doing what I have been and showing up right on time and watching them every chance I get, I don't think she will have much grounds to change my order on. 

That all being said, it's all comforting, but still doesn't change the fact I really don't want a divorce and still love her. It's fleeting though, as i have done everything and more that she asked of me and have stuck through all the mean stuff she's said, and she's just abusing her position at this point, so I'm starting to feel like it's time I gain some power back. I'm just the type that doesn't quit and won't forgive myself if I don't feel like I've tried everything, so that's where this "do I wait for the face to face to at least see if she will work with me, or go ahead and serve her and distance myself" thought comes in. 

On one hand, I want to hope that things I've said about us like "why wouldn't you want to try counseling to see if some of those feelings came back" resonated with her because it was over a week ago that I learned she was going to meet with a lawyer to see about filing. On the other hand, I think that serving her will either make her wake up OR serving her will help me progress more into moving on. Either way, serving her will make for a more beneficial scenario for me than the current one. 

The way Im leaning is to wait, have the sit down, see where her head is at, then go from there. After all, it's been 100 days since I filed the first of the now two sets of divorce papers, so what's another week? I have until late September to serve her anyway and it still be valid. I just don't know what the judge will think about me holding papers in my back pocket. And in the meantime, just won't talk to her unless it's about when the kids are being exchanged, and if she pushes for the new schedule, just stand my ground about meeting to talk about it. 

I guess that's the struggle with separation and an almost certain impending divorce though, there are never any solid answers and no guarantees. But I feel like her taking her relationship status off of Facebook (she didn't put single or anything, it's just off completely) is a rather large red flag that the only thing left for her to figure out is how and when to tell me it's divorce time.


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