# confused



## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

x


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

Whew, that's some frustration you got there!

I feel like you wrote half my life story. Remember the song with the words..."A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home"? Well, your husband never got the message. There is not a lot you can do about that other than leave. 

Your husband avoids conflicts of all types. He avoids confronting his mother, he avoids defending his wife, he avoids drawing boundaries with a drunk friend. He's a weak man. That doesn't mean he is horrible. You are very clear he is not. You are frustrated with him. He is disappointing you. Your in-laws are a pain....and along comes facebook serving up a love from years ago.

You can not evaluate your marriage with this shiny knight glimmering in your peripheral vision. That's my opinion because I have tried it. The sweeter he his, the more you will resent your husband and his weaknesses. This knight has weaknesses, too, I promise. You think his marriage is in the state yours is in because he is the perfect man?? Nope. His wife probably has a list of frustrations as long as yours. A relationship that starts during the demise of two marriages is doomed. DOOMED.

My advice: deal with your marriage. If you want out, then get out and ask facebook man to respect your space while you deal with the separation. Promise you will meet him in a year. If you want to work on the marriage then tell facebook man and ask him to respect your space while you do.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

I'm confused??? I don't see any "story". 


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

NickyT said:


> Whew, that's some frustration you got there!
> 
> I feel like you wrote half my life story. Remember the song with the words..."A man shall leave his mother and a woman leave her home"? Well, your husband never got the message. There is not a lot you can do about that other than leave.
> 
> ...


Thank you. The ironic thing about my husband is that he deals with conflict all day long as a senior level director/manager & isn't afraid of it at work AT ALL, which makes it that much worse. But when it comes to me - I'm just not that important (my perception). There's "A" at work, and then there's "A" as my husband & they're 2 different people most of the time. I've explained it 50 ways from Sunday & he just doesn't get it. I can honestly say that I think our marriage has been destined for divorce for some time - the move & subsequent loss of his job just sent me over the edge (along with an interaction with his mom before the job loss happened). 

I do see this other guy for what he is & can definitely see where his wife has some valid complaints & because of our friendship I've pointed that out (as he has to me). He's not a knight in shining armor & far from perfect, but who doesn't want to hear how sexy they are (especially at 45 & 40+ lbs heavier than when you knew him). Like my husband, he's not a hearts & flowers kind of guy, & that's ok but he's very protective (but not in a controlling way - he's in law enforcement). I've never felt "protected" & have always had to fight my own battles rather than having my husband there beside me to fight with me & this guy was always the one to step in during conflict years ago. I know there's SO much more to it than what I'm putting into this post, but I like your suggestion. The best thing about this is the distance in that it forces communication rather than just the physical aspect of a rekindled relationship.

I do appreciate the perspective & advice - it's good.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

dianaelaine59 said:


> I'm confused??? I don't see any "story".
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


Meaning you don't see the post?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree that you need to evaluate your marriage without the other guy.

Your husband in some ways reminds me of mine.....nice guy yet I'm not necessarily the beneficiary. Not upsetting others is more important.

However, I haven't had to deal with the abuse from others that you have and certainly haven't given up my home and support system to follow him. 

Your hb is who he is. Don't be surprised if he's shocked if you leave..... he's like mine in that pretending it doesn't exist makes it go away. 

Cut this other guy off while you sort out your marriage.


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## dianaelaine59 (Aug 15, 2016)

dianaelaine59 said:


> I'm confused??? I don't see any "story".
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk




No .... no content other than two lines. Hmmmm ..




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

So, you are thinking about cheating on him? You have had issues with his mom and he has cut off almost all contact with his family because of you? Not saying it's "your" fault, but it is what it is. I say, don't cheat. Separate, tell him you want a divorce, set him free, free yourself, go get laid, let him live his life and your 15 year old daughter will understand.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband obviously thinks you can take care of yourself so he doesn't get involved. Since that's the case, don't worry about upsetting his mama or his mate - feel free to tell both of them to piss off and avoid them at all costs. Some men just don't understand that when they refuse to behave in a protective manner of their wife that the attraction factor takes a great big hit. What woman wants to sleep with a man who is too afraid to rock the boat? It's a primal thing.

As for your facebook friend - really? Cheating is rampant among law enforcement and it is doubtful that this would be his first infidelity rodeo. He isn't your ticket out of the boondocks. Work on yourself and drag your husband to counseling. A fresh voice may make him hear you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Good advice here from that South California lady, and @lifeistooshort.

On your husband:

He is a known quantity.
You are frustrated with him. I suspect you have given up on him. 
He is a classic nice guy, a good father and provider. He is not romantic and has taken you for granted.
With this in mind, I believe you are looking for an excuse to leave him. He certainly has given you some. 
Nothing Earth shattering has been done by your husband, other than occasionally place you in the back seat of your marriage.

You are at that age where Mid Life Crisis displays it's seductive All Saint's Day disguise.

The other man, the cop. He is out to physically frisk you, to see if you are marital fraudster. 
He wants your mug shot...... plastered on his.
He is using the oldest player tricks in the book. He sees you as vulnerable and he is showing his 'good cop' personality.
He wants what is between your legs, which is not unusual. Just not appropriate, since both you are married. He is not very professional, in my opinion.
And you are ready to allow that access. Do not do it as a married women. Do not do it until he is no longer married.

I am sure that he likes you. Heck, you are a likeable lady. He wants your company. He wants you to accompany him to some hotel suite.
But would he want to re-marry a women who cheated on her 'nice guy' husband? 
Your 'new' relationship would be starting out in a bad light.

And that 'bad light' would get very heavy if infidelity came to light to your 'now' husband and all his relatives.
Think about this: What kind of man would take advantage of a love-starved... married women?

On being forty pounds overweight...
Lose that weight, dress up nice and sexy and see what that numb-nut husband turns into.

You want love and romance. You want to date and go to exotic places. With a sexy husband.
You want a man to ravage you in bed. To desire you above all things.

Be that attractive person and watch the doors open for you.

We tell men on TAM to work out in the gym. To pump up their muscles and to get fit. To make them feel good about themselves. 
That is what I am telling you, also.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@3stateslater You're not going to like what I have to say.

You're having an emotional affair with this guy from high school, and if you continue on this path, you WILL destroy your marriage. Which, maybe, is exactly what you want.

It's called an exit affair. People that think their marriage is over, but don't know how to actually end it, start an affair with the subconscious goal of destroying their marriage, so they don't actually have to tell the spouse that it's over. 

Is your marriage really over? Do you have any interest in fixing things with your husband?

If the marriage could be saved, if you want to fix things with your husband, you need to cut off all communication with this guy from high school. Hard Stop. Send him one last communication, telling him why you are ending communication, and ask him to respect the fact that you are married and need to work on your marriage. Then drag your H's ass to counseling ASAP, and tell him EVERYTHING. It's going to hurt him, but he needs to understand how precarious your marriage right now. You need to get him to WAKE UP and understand that if he doesn't make changes, your marriage will end. This is your last-ditch effort to fix things. If he can't get on board after he hears all of this, he's not going to.

If you're convinced that your marriage is over, don't make it worse by engaging in this affair. Do the right thing and end the marriage now, without the complication of an affair partner. Ask HS guy for space, tell him you need to do the right thing, and that you will contact him when the divorce is final. I know it doesn't seem like the greatest time financially, and you don't want to uproot your daughter, but figure out a way to make it happen. Depending on how old your daughter is, you could stick it out and do an in-house separation and do the 180 until she graduates HS, but that is going to be hard for all three of you. Is she happy in her HS? She might be happier moving back to where you previously lived. Perhaps your family can help you financially. Once everything is said and done, you can see if there is something with the HS guy, no earlier. If you are involved with him earlier, it is guaranteed that your daughter will find out and will blame you and him for the divorce, and you don't want to risk being estranged from your daughter.

Good luck.

EDIT: I missed that HS guy is married. DO NOT PURSUE HIM NOW OR EVER!!! Married men are off limits. You are flirting with something very dangerous here.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

All just excuses for you to excuse your poor moral character. 

Blah,blah,blah

But I had geat sexual energy with this old high school boyfriend.

Take the high road and divorce before being a cheater.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

So you've been with this person 23 years and have a teenage child together but the straw that's breaking the camels back now is that he is doing what he has always done????

Does that really make sense when you think about it like that?

But could it be that the straw that's breaking the camel's back today also happens to coincide with your online affair with someone you had a school girl crush on a quarter of century ago? 

Coincidence??? I don't think it is. 

There is a strange phenomenon that takes place when someone starts getting attracted to someone other than their spouse and their brain starts getting a rush of all these lovey-dovey and horny hormones. 

There's a term called "rewriting history." You should really look it up and learn more about it. In a nutshell what it is is once you start getting a hormone rush for someone else, your spouse suddenly can't do anything right and wiring in your brain goes haywire and suddenly you are thinking that you made a mistake marrying your spouse, and thinking that you never loved them, and thinking that all your problems are insurmountable and that your true love is the new person that is giving you all these teenage hormone rushes. 

Now I'm not saying that your husband is a saint or that your marriage is perfect. But I am saying if he was that bad, you would've left many years ago. 

I think your brain is a bit intoxicated with the hormones from your online fantasy lover and you are thinking like that impetuous teenager that you were when you last saw him. 

You are basically being duped by your hormones. 

The risk you run here is that you could blow up your marriage, your home, your family all for a teenage fantasy and once everything is a smoking hole in the ground, this keyboard fantasy lover says, "oopsies, I wasn't actually serious about us riding off into sunset together, it was just fun having some naughty talk with a penpal." 

And then in the mean time, your daughter won't speak to you, your moving into some little apartment on your own, your inlaws hate you for real now and you are painted as an adultress that left your executive husband and family for dude you knew in high school who is now just as bald and fat as your husband, but who is still married and still has an intact family because he was never planning on leaving in the first place, he just liked to ***** and moan on the computer in the middle of the night with some chick he knew 25 years ago. 

This is a fool's game. 

Don't be the fool.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Good advice here from that South California lady, and @lifeistooshort.
> 
> On your husband:
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. I have been working out, I have always tried to at least dress nicely & husband doesn't notice if I'm wearing a nice outfit or a potato sack. He's just that clueless, but I absolutely get what you're saying. So I'm working out FOR ME & so I feel better - that's all I can do at this point.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> So you've been with this person 23 years and have a teenage child together but the straw that's breaking the camels back now is that he is doing what he has always done????
> 
> Does that really make sense when you think about it like that?
> 
> ...


While I understand what you're saying, in my mind my marriage was over before my "teenage fantasy" as you put it ever expressed his feelings. Had my marriage not been there already, I would have never even remotely entertained this ex. We've been through many rough patches in our 20+ years & NEVER have I ever considered being unfaithful. EVER. And as far as "doing the same things he's always done", well, there's only so much one can take of the same behavior you're literally begging him to change with no results. I've sacrificed my homes, my friends, my careers, my support system for him multiple times with little to no change on his end. And yes, I've considered leaving for some time but after this most recent move I can't financially do it. Not a good excuse, I know, but it's the reality of things.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> All just excuses for you to excuse your poor moral character.
> 
> Blah,blah,blah
> 
> ...


If you can't be polite & supportive don't bother responding.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> I agree that you need to evaluate your marriage without the other guy.
> 
> Your husband in some ways reminds me of mine.....nice guy yet I'm not necessarily the beneficiary. Not upsetting others is more important.
> 
> ...


When I told him last weekend that if our daughter was graduated (she has 2.5 yrs left of HS) I would likely be gone, I truly got the deer in the headlights look. I've said for years that his coping mechanism is to bury his head in the sand & the issue will go away. Well all it really does is create resentment & more bad feelings than had we just discussed it. I'm just tired of being in a no-win situation.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

3stateslater said:


> While I understand what you're saying, in my mind my marriage was over before my "teenage fantasy" as you put it ever expressed his feelings. Had my marriage not been there already, I would have never even remotely entertained this ex. We've been through many rough patches in our 20+ years & NEVER have I ever considered being unfaithful. EVER. And as far as "doing the same things he's always done", well, there's only so much one can take of the same behavior you're literally begging him to change with no results. I've sacrificed my homes, my friends, my careers, my support system for him multiple times with little to no change on his end. And yes, I've considered leaving for some time but after this most recent move I can't financially do it. Not a good excuse, I know, but it's the reality of things.


I understand and support your thoughts and effort.
Just get a divorce. 

Money is just paper.
The years you walk on Earth are gold.

Enjoy your few remaining 'prime' years by first getting 'single' again.
Date some guys, make love to some, maybe remarry one.

Stop making excuses. Stop blaming him. 
We are all responsible for our own happiness. 

Just do it.

He is what he is.
And to you, that is not good enough.

On cheating:
I am sure that it will be exciting. But the consequences simply are not worth the bother.


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> @3stateslater You're not going to like what I have to say.
> 
> You're having an emotional affair with this guy from high school, and if you continue on this path, you WILL destroy your marriage. Which, maybe, is exactly what you want.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your input. My daughter actually LOVES her high school & is very active in it so moving her is not an option. I'm honestly not sure if I want to fix things with my husband. Mentally I was there LONG before the HS guy showed back up. I don't have family that can help financially, not to mention we're 1000 miles away from family & 600 miles from my friends that became family & were my support system. I told him last weekend that if it weren't for our daughte, I would likely be gone already & got the deer in the headlights look. I don't know any other way to get him to understand it. I've also sat down recently & explained to my daughter my side of things (she's almost 16). All she saw was either me constantly *****ing or just being otherwise irritable while he did/said nothing. She's alot like me in many ways, so I put things in terms she would understand & she said she finally got it & why I was upset. Her grandmother has been essentially a dead-beat grandmother to her as well, so she gets my frustration with her & husband's passivity toward the whole situation amongst other things. He finally made the counseling appt so we go Thursday. We'll see...


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You seem to react badly to blunt feedback but here is what it is and you need to look at yourself and your situation without the blinders you seem to have on.

So here is what I am hearing:

You married your husband and stayed with him for over 23 years and have a 15 year old daughter. He had boundary issues and you both seem to have communication issues.

You had a crush on an older boy with "crazy high sexual energy" (oh my, how titillating) and now you have an itch and want to have it scratched. So what better way than to go visit him under the guise of going home and you want to sleep with him fully justified by your husband's shortcomings. I hope you see what this is.

If you have a problem then discuss it with him. If it cant be resolved separate and get divorced before you start screwing other guys - just the decent thing to do and it may also give you time to reflect on yourself.

Drop the predatory law enforcement creep like a rock. If you must talk to him make sure that his wife knows what is going on. Also make sure that your husband is aware of what is going on - after all, you both have nothing to hide - you both are married to awful partners which gives you the right to do this - correct ?

I will repeat this - tell your husband that because he doesn't stand up for you etc you will be going back home to fvck a creep that you had a crush on some 25 years ago. That should get his attention. But if what you say is true, he'll just say "sure hon, have a good time" or something implausible like that.

Now lets deal with the real problem you have - why do you feel you can do this and justify it? That is the real problem that you have to fix whether you stay with your husband or not.

And remember the example you are setting for your daughter - both ways - in staying in an unsatisfactory marriage and also by cheating as a result of it.

So in short: drop the creep (and he is a creep - you just cant see it), come clean to his wife and your husband, tell your husband what you were even thinking of doing (that should wake him up), go to counselling to try and fix the marriage (both IC and MC), and either separate towards divorce or reconcile and work on your marriage. 

Definitely do not do what you are planning to do. You will not only destroy your marriage, your husband, your daughter, the other man's wife but also yourself. Hope these 2X4's you are getting wake you up.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

3stateslater said:


> If you can't be polite & supportive don't bother responding.


Not all advice is unicorn and rainbows.

My advice.

Shut your facebook down.

Shut your affair down.

Get a job.

Get marriage counseling or get a divorce.

Make sure your OM's wife knows he is engaged in an emotional affair.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I was a WW in my first marriage, multiple affairs, and am not living in a glass house throwing stones. 

Why would a guy 1000 miles away blah blah blah? Because he's bored (especially if he's a patrolman..too much time in the car alone), likes the attention, and his ego gets fed. You're married. He's married. You aren't likely to tell people about the affair and blow both of your lives up (mutually assured destruction) and, if you come to visit, you'll screw him and then go back from whence you came with no muss, no fuss, no drama. The way he figures it, you're perfect. You knew him years ago. You don't know him now. You only know what he tells you and what you can get from gossip, social media, etc. The reality is, without spending significant time in his company, you're only getting a partial picture and that picture isn't very flattering, really. 

Whatever you do, stop communication with this guy. Even if you ended your marriage next week, he's still married and all you'd be is a garden variety long distance OW.

When you go to counseling, tell your H about the emotional affair and make sure both he and the counselor understand that you are serious about ending the marriage and that this is the last chance to fix the problems before you get a lawyer and file. Meantime, prepare for the worst. Make an exit plan, just in case, and actually leave if there is no improvement.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Just because the ex bf tells you his marriage is on the rocks does not make it so.

Many men (and women) will exaggerate and lie about their current relationship to start up another, illicit one.

Divorce if you are so unhappy, take time to heal and live alone, then go find an available man.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

ButtPunch said:


> Shut your facebook down.


Facebook's rancid. I never take seriously anyone who's on it.

The end.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3stateslater said:


> ....but he's very protective (but not in a controlling way - he's in law enforcement).


Gosh. A *cop* looking to cheat? Unheard of!

Said no one EVER.

I highly doubt this is lover boy's first rodeo, no matter _*how*_ much he tells you it is. If I had a damned nickel for every slimy married cop whose ever come onto me over the years, or followed me home, or showed up at my door at 2 AM when I was living on my own, or followed me for 4 miles before finally finding some ridiculous excuse to pull me over and then spent an our parked outside my new place watching me as I unpacked my moving boxes (no damned curtains hung yet!!!) I could buy my own island. I'm *not *kidding.

Just consider the source. He's a cop of some sort.



> When I told him last weekend that if our daughter was graduated (she has 2.5 yrs left of HS) I would likely be gone, I truly got the deer in the headlights look. I've said for years that his coping mechanism is to bury his head in the sand & the issue will go away. Well all it really does is create resentment & more bad feelings than had we just discussed it. I'm just tired of being in a no-win situation.


Well, I guess all you can do is wait to get out of this marriage. Whether it's be with your cop 'friend' or not, who knows. I wouldn't put any of my eggs in THAT basket.

I can hear your husband 2 1/2 years from now when you leave, telling everyone you left him "out of the blue." He sounds completely clueless.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Satya said:


> Just because the ex bf tells you his marriage is on the rocks does not make it so.
> 
> Many men (and women) will exaggerate and lie about their current relationship to start up another, illicit one.
> 
> Divorce if you are so unhappy, take time to heal and live alone, then go find an available man.


Ain't that the truth?

One needs only to spend about an hour on any Infidelity board and read the stories of betrayed spouses to see how much this crap goes on every single day. Countless cheaters using social media and dating sites to hit on others, painting themselves as victims of a horrid marriage with a passionless, soulless, mate and suffering in loveless, sexless marriages, and blah blah blah.

And then they get caught and the truth comes out - which is usually that the marriage is just fine, he's not unhappy, he's just BORED and looking for some thrills somewhere else. Whether it's with a woman fawning all over him through Facebook or some fool 5 miles from his house only too happy for his company. It dosn't matter.

And it happens ALL the time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

3stateslater said:


> While I understand what you're saying, in my mind my marriage was over before my "teenage fantasy" as you put it ever expressed his feelings. Had my marriage not been there already, I would have never even remotely entertained this ex. We've been through many rough patches in our 20+ years & NEVER have I ever considered being unfaithful. EVER. And as far as "doing the same things he's always done", well, there's only so much one can take of the same behavior you're literally begging him to change with no results. I've sacrificed my homes, my friends, my careers, my support system for him multiple times with little to no change on his end. And yes, I've considered leaving for some time but after this most recent move I can't financially do it. Not a good excuse, I know, but it's the reality of things.


I'm not saying that your marriage hasn't had and doesn't currently have some real-world issues. Every marriage does, including mine. 

But what I am saying is once another person flips on your horny, teenager hormones there is often a very common reaction where everything your spouse does annoys you or angers you and fills you with resentment and disrespect. It is right there in the opening pages of the Adulterer's Handbook. 

And another thing that happens is people rewrite their history in their own minds so that it makes them think that they have always had one foot out the door and they think that they "should've" left years or even decades ago. 

I'm not saying that those problems did not exist or that thoughts of leaving your H did not cross your mind years ago. 

I am saying that the hormone rush from this OM is tricking your mind into thinking that he is your true soulmate and that your H was a quarter century mistake. 

The reason people here are telling you to cut it off with the OM is not because we are judging or finger pointing or being the Moral Police - but it is because while your brain is full of these lovey-dovey hormones, you are not judging your H or you M on it's own true merits. You are currently viewing him and your marriage through a falsely over-critical and an overly bitter and resentful lens due to your horny feelings for the OM. 

If you can detox from the hormones of the OM (which could multiple months of zero contact) then you can assess and evaluate your H and your M through a clear lens and judge them on their own actual merits. 

You may be right. You H may be a jerk and your M may be a bust. 

But it's also highly likely that you may be wrong. You may simply be viewing your H and your M artificially harshly and with artificial resentment. You may blow things up and leave a path of destruction only to find out that you made some rash and impetuous decisions based on your brain being intoxicated by horny hormones from some married dude across the country on the other end of a computer screen. 

If you ultimately decide it is in your best interests to divorce, I will respect that decision to do so.... BUT THAT IS ASSUMING YOU ARE MAKING THAT CHOICE WITH A CLEAR HEAD AND BASED ON OBJECTIVE FACTS AND REALITIES OF YOUR MARRIAGE AND HUSBAND. 

I do not trust or have faith in your current feelings and your decision making abilities at the moment due to your infatuation with the OM and you should not either.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You cannot work through anything with your husband if another man is in the picture. You also cannot work through a divorce with another man in the picture. Add to that the fact that he is also married and you have a recipe for disaster.

You are expecting your husband to set boundaries when you yourself are having trouble setting boundaries. Getting involved with a married man, especially while you are still married shows that you have some boundary issues of your own. I'm glad you are in counseling. That should help you work through much of this.

I can understand that you are frustrated with your marriage and living situation, but have courage. You have a child in school and you don't want to move her again, so you are stuck in that town whether you want to be or not. If you could set some boundaries with your husband and let him know that you are leaving if XY & Z are not resolved, then begin to prepare career wise to move back to your home, then you have been honest with your husband and are working on doing what is right, rather than planning an exit affair that would break two families.

Yes, divorce would break your family, but not in the same way as an affair does. Right now you are feeling a lot of strong emotions from your emotional affair and your body is wanting more of those good feelings. But they are only fleeting. They will not last and the whole thing will blow up in your face. It would be terrible for you, your family, his family, etc. if you continued on this road. Please stop before it's too late.



3stateslater said:


> Hi ladies - new to this forum but wanted to find place to safely talk about my concerns. I've been married almost 21 years to a man who I thought was truly my soul mate. We were friends in college & started dating after I graduated. Within 4 months we knew we would eventually get married, with ultimately came 2.5 yrs after dating (I was in graduate school).
> 
> We have a 15 year old daughter & she is the main reason I have not left at this point. From the very beginning of our 23+ year relationship we have had issues regarding him setting boundaries with his mom & sister. I tell him in very clear, yet not attacking way what I need from him & he just refuses to do it. It reached a point about 13 years ago that it was so bad I had to give an ultimatum & now we have little contact with his mom/sister. I hated it got to that point but when he's not willing to stand up for his wife when she's being belittled by his mom, who then involves the whole rest of the family, it was me or her.
> 
> ...


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## 3stateslater (Oct 30, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> I'm not saying that your marriage hasn't had and doesn't currently have some real-world issues. Every marriage does, including mine.
> 
> But what I am saying is once another person flips on your horny, teenager hormones there is often a very common reaction where everything your spouse does annoys you or angers you and fills you with resentment and disrespect. It is right there in the opening pages of the Adulterer's Handbook.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I don't trust my current feelings either, which is why I'm questioning everything right now. I will say, though, that I was already resentful & angry & my mind was very clear about the path of marriage LONG before the OM & I started having regular contact about a month ago. Should I have ever followed him 16 months ago? No, probably not, but I guess it was a last ditch effort at trying to be the supportive wife. And believe me, I don't think OM is perfect, not by any means, & I don't think my husband was a mistake... I really don't. But I do understand what you're saying. Thank you for not being hateful like so many other people have been.


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## marriageontherocks2 (Oct 4, 2017)

3stateslater said:


> We dated casually in high school (he was 4 years older) & kept in touch over the years via FB & mutual friends. He's still in our hometown


Always spinning plates...


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

3stateslater said:


> Thanks for your input. My daughter actually LOVES her high school & is very active in it so moving her is not an option. I'm honestly not sure if I want to fix things with my husband. Mentally I was there LONG before the HS guy showed back up. I don't have family that can help financially, not to mention we're 1000 miles away from family & 600 miles from my friends that became family & were my support system. I told him last weekend that if it weren't for our daughte, I would likely be gone already & got the deer in the headlights look. I don't know any other way to get him to understand it. I've also sat down recently & explained to my daughter my side of things (she's almost 16). All she saw was either me constantly *****ing or just being otherwise irritable while he did/said nothing. She's alot like me in many ways, so I put things in terms she would understand & she said she finally got it & why I was upset. Her grandmother has been essentially a dead-beat grandmother to her as well, so she gets my frustration with her & husband's passivity toward the whole situation amongst other things. He finally made the counseling appt so we go Thursday. We'll see...


You could give your daughter the option to decide what she wants to do. If you decide on divorce, which seems the way you're leaning, you can give her the option of staying with dad in the current place, or going with you to wherever it is you choose to go. Make sure she understands that if she stays with Dad, there is a chance that he gets a new job elsewhere, and she could be uprooted again. Let he know that you love her more than anything, but you and H can't stay married anymore, and you will still love her, not matter what her decision is.

She's old enough that she doesn't need a sitter/daycare, obviously, and she's close enough to driving age that she should be ale to drive herself to school and activities, etc.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Food for thought.


Things are changing and as they change growth can occur . The growth of your marriage might be that you both try harder and get to a more satisfying marriage . You might star accepting eachoters shortcomming and appreciate eachother strong points.

Most marriages go through this and I think the ones that weather the storm end up being quit good.

But what do I know. I'm just fumbling through life like the rest of us.


I do know that being a cheater usually isn't good for anybody. Much better to take the high road and do the right thing.


Making excuses to justify your actions only works for selfish people.


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