# Recent separation..help?



## niceguylast (Sep 7, 2013)

Ok, this is my first marriage and we have been married 12 years this July. I will try to condense this story into something not so ponderous to read.
Let me start by saying I love my wife more than anyone in the world. She has been acting strangely much of this year but the situation came to a head this summer. she is a teacher and has the summers off. she lost some weight this spring, got some new clothes and hair cuts and was pretty much gone the entire summer, saying she was going to school to get a jump on the new year (shes the media specialist). When not doing that she was hanging with some girl friends and sister, going to concerts, basically anything she wanted to do. I was left at home to run my home based business (which I came to regard as the dungeon). I had that gut feeling all summer something was up. The signs showed an affair, emotional or physical. Some of these girlfriends I never approved of as they live party lifestyles and run with me constantly. She told me she wouldnt be influenced by that, but you know the saying about running with dogs and getting fleas.
Anyway, she walks in my shop one evening about a month ago and says "i want a divorce", which hit me in the gut like a lead bowling ball. After she calmed down and we quit crying I told her I knew something was up this summer and just said point blank, is there anyone else? Tell me if there is please. She said no there wasnt. I convinced her to try a separation, which she finally agreed to. We did not go get official separation papers. I agreed to move out even though i know I didnt have to (trying to be a nice guy). The reasons she stated were: our finances arent good enough, I feel trapped and need 'space' to sort things. I dont know who I am anymore,etc. 
I respected it and told her I would move out asap. But we agreed to stay in contact and she expressed genuine concern for me if I didnt stay in touch. Her first comments about time apart was 'a couple months'. I found a place a few miles away and began the big task of moving all my stuff and my shop ( I repair musical instruments and play for a living). During the entire moving process we exchanged emails/texts and a few calls and always said I love you in them. This gave me hope that she just needed space and time and that we could then start to talk occasionally and get counciling. She said she still loved me and that she has all my love letters and notes saved. I have all her letters and notes too, and sweet emails. More hope, Im thinking.
Ok fast forward just a couple weeks into the separation, and my email messages get no reply, she deletes her facebook page, changes the codes on our house. I have send her a few ecards, which shows she reads them but i never get any replies.
From what Ive read, continuing to be loving and sweet with messages and things are counter-productive. But whats got me really baffled is this 180 trun in demeanor. How can she love me like she says but then try everything to cut me out of her life.
What really got me was I found out she had been planning this all year as I discovered money being moved around in the account (found out after she asked for the D). She knew she was going to do this but said nothing at all about being that unhappy. There is NO abuse of any kind and i have never slept with another woman. I am baffled by this whole thing.
Our financial situation has never been that great but we have a nice home cars and manage to get by pretty well, or so i was thinking. She has Rheumatoid arthritis and has other health problems,including multiple surgeries and three years on steroids. Her Enbrel injections really help her arthritis but it lowers her immune response, so colds can turn into pneumonia rather quickly if she doesnt see the doctor, and it has a few times. She gained weight from the steroids and had big mood swings. Through all this, over 12 years, i never thought about leaving, not once, I made those vows and meant every word and still do.
We racked up some large co-pays and it really put a dent in our finances, but we were a team (or so i thought). My income fluctuates and some years are great and some not, but the last 3-4 years it hasnt been great and i kind of let my business go somewhat. She claimed she felt like she had lost her 'freedom', but I allowed her to do anything she was capable of. she ran political campaigns for local folks, went to concerts with friends,went to pool parties, girls nite out, belonged to the SPCA, and other clubs and anything else she wanted.
Eventually she created her own 'world' and started leaving me out of most of it, I didnt try to stop her, thinking if it made her happy (but made me lonely), I would let her. She has never had control of her health, so i let her control other things, and do what she wanted.
Now i feel like all the freedom i gave her and all the times I stood by her have been of no importance. I havent been the perfect husband by any means, but I don't think i sense any sign of appreciation for what i have had to endure and commit to here. Its all been put in as 'my fault'.
Now explain to me how me leaving and paying rent and my own bills, while she stays home and pays mortgage and all the bills there, is going to 'help' our finances? It makes no sense. 
I recently read a book called 'tough love' adn it state that whatever reason(s) the spouse gives for the divorce are almost always not the real reason. 
I still suspect that she either is emotionally bonded to someone or has been seeing someone, and that she is using some kind of blame transference to get me out, so she can relieve her guilt, or to get 'free' to do what she wants. Why else would she turn so hostile and cut me out of her life so drastically? Knowing how she can be hard hearted ,i dont she months and months of no communication as a good sign. She also stopped wearing her ring immediately after the separation. I still wear mine.
I decided to use the tough love approach for a month or so and have no contact at all. If she wants to talk, she knows how to find me. Its the hardest thing I have ever gone through. The reason I talked her into teh separation was to try and get a handle on our issues and work them out. But she has quickly adopted this stonewall approach. Is this normal behavior for the reasons she has listed or is my gut telling me something that is right? Any insights from folks who have had wives act this way after separating, would be great and much appreciated!
I don't understand why she would plan something so long and never just say "im not happy, we need help". I feel completely blindsided, and unappreciated,and now mad as hell. But I still love her with all my heart. This is torture...


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry about what you're going through niceguylast.There are so many red flags in what your wife has done that point to an affair of some kind.Maybe you should read some stories in the CWI forum and decide if your situation might be better suited to that forum.If so,you'll definitely get some good feedback there.I wish you well.


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## ILoveMyWife! (Sep 5, 2013)

Oh man, i am so sorry. My heart goes out to you. Things do sound a bit fishy but unfortunately there is nothing you can really do about it. I would say find yourself as hard as that is and try your hardest not to focus on her. I hope you eventually get your answers you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When you moved out, she no longer had to deal with the marriage issues. Sorry but separations usually lead to divorce.

I'd guess that she has some guy she's seeing.

She cannot lock you out of the house, it's still your legal residence. You could move back in. Just get a lock smith out to let you in.

I'm not sure if this is the path you want to take. But it is a path you can take.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> When you moved out, she no longer had to deal with the marriage issues. Sorry but separations usually lead to divorce.
> 
> I'd guess that she has some guy she's seeing.
> 
> ...


The OP has been nice to her.

She has wiped her feet on him.

So, he becomes nicer.

I wonder why he thinks doubling down on what doesn't work is going to change her mind?


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

No kids?

Give her what she wants. File for divorce.

She's clearly not into you any more. It seems she prefers the 'single' life.

It certainly seems like she has a PosOM in her life, but does it really matter? 

Have some self-respect, ya know? Why are you tolerating this relationship?

Oh. And stop listening to what she says. Just observe her actions. They speak volumes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ThreeStrikes said:


> No kids?
> 
> Give her what she wants. File for divorce.
> 
> ...


I'd also go to individual counseling to find out why you value yourself so little as to put up with this garbage.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Time to move on with a focus on YOU.

As an FYI, your handle says "treat me badly, I like it".

Work on yourself. In a couple months you are going to not recognize the man that started this thread.

Stretch


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Stretch said:


> Work on yourself. In a couple months you are going to not recognize the man that started this thread.


This is truth. 

You gotta go through some pain first. Don't fear it. Don't try and circumvent it with quick fixes, substances or new relationships. Pain is a healthy teacher and part of the process. As you work through the discomfort and pain, you will come out stronger. Believe it. 

You cannot fix your wife. Please listen to this up front. As men, we are programmed and condition to fix problems. It seems that when our wives walk away, we shoulder the blame and try to do anything to keep them. You will read in many of our stories that behavior doesn't work. 

Here to support.

HL


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## niceguylast (Sep 7, 2013)

I had almost forgotten about this thread I started. Thank you to everyone who chimed in and offered support and advice. Yes, I realize now I was an enabler to her controlling behavior. The whole relationship has been centered around her needs, emotional and physical and I assumed, like a dummy, that that would make her happy..if she was happy, I would be too.
I realize now neither of us was really happy and we just trudged on , not talking about it. Its a stupid plan of ignoring the elephant in the room. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. There are always issues with both people in a relationship and I have owned my failures in this, but I don't believe she has or will deal with her part. It seems she's going to do her usual maneuver, which is to bury her head in her work,chores, close family and ignore it. 
The past few months revealed I can't 'fix' her issues-only she and God can do that. At this point I'm moving on with my life. Lots of great friends have appeared and I'm actually enjoying some freedom from all the emotional baggage and going out having some fun. The pain is still there but Im doing much, much better. There's still 7 months of separation to go and she doesn't want to have any contact or reconcile, according to a letter from her lawyer , send 3 months ago. All I can hope for now is that she will play 'nice' and we can be adults and move on amicably. 
In the end, I just want both of us to be healthy and happy. Sad to lose 12 years without even trying to save it, but I can't save it by myself. Thanks again for all your advice and encouragement!


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Fixing the other person so they can fix you rarely - if ever - works.


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## JohnC_depressed (Dec 6, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said:


> No kids?
> 
> Give her what she wants. File for divorce.
> 
> ...


Echo what he just wrote Nice guy:iagree:


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