# Serious self-esteem issues



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Hi Ladies, 

After numerous cheating ordeals and other marital issues, I will soon be divorced. However, my psychologist has pointed out that I have a huge self-esteem issue which is true. 

I seem to be fixated on changing everything about myself. For example, instead of wearing glasses I am now wearing contact lenses, I am trying to dress differently and wear my hair differently......so many things. There doesn't seem to be an end in sight.  

I also exercise irregularly just for myself. I am not overweight! How did you conquer your self-esteem issues? What changes did you make? Are there any changes that you made that were positive?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that the make over is good and healthy. Your are exploring yourself.

Self esteem returns as you get to feel stronger. 

Do you have a strong support system, friends and family? Do you go out with friends very often?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I think that the make over is good and healthy. Your are exploring yourself.
> 
> Self esteem returns as you get to feel stronger.
> 
> Do you have a strong support system, friends and family? Do you go out with friends very often?


I actually don't go out too much. My life revolves around my children everything they need, my part time job and degree that I am studying on a full-time basis. :crying:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Sounds like you are wearing yourself out and not doing a lot to rejuvenate yourself. That might be the basis of your self esteem. It's hard to have a lot of self esteem when you are so busy and isolated.

You might want to consider starting to do more when you can. Even doing something once a week can really help.

Does your ex has the children part of the time? Maybe you could find time when they are with him.

There are also things that you could do with your children that would get you out among people. Find your people - Meetup is a good place to look for activities that you can with the kids and without them where you would meet people.

Or just schedule one thing a week, even if it's just coffee or lunch with a friend.


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## MichelleR (Jan 6, 2016)

Actually considering all you've been through I think it sounds pretty healthy to try to give yourself a makeover. A lot of women would choose more self destructive things. If you're obsessing about it for a long time, it can become a problem but maybe you should go ahead and go all out for a short time until you feel a little better about your new look. 

Maybe you feel guilty about giving yourself some love and pampering. Exercising is a good thing too. I'd say even if it is a little overboard right now it way better than drowning yourself in alcohol.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think I've told you this before, but get Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity. GREAT book on the subject. I loved it so much I got this necklace made (it's my own handwriting) and wear it all the time to remind myself that I'm clothed in strength and dignity . (Working on the strength part!)


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## MommaGx3 (Jan 12, 2016)

Honestly, you are on the right track. Your inner self is guiding you here. Inside, you are a bit lost and disjointed (anyone is when their trust in their life partner is broken)... You can't control what is going on inside, so you are doing the next best thing. Controlling what you can on the outside. It's not shallow. It's not bad. It's cathartic. Treat yourself, have some fun. If you feel like you are looking better and doing better, then you will be.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> I think I've told you this before, but get Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity. GREAT book on the subject. I loved it so much I got this necklace made (it's my own handwriting) and wear it all the time to remind myself that I'm clothed in strength and dignity . (Working on the strength part!)


Your necklace is beautiful. Can I ask where it was made for you?


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Makeover is a great place to start re: self-esteem. Great job. 

I don't have anything more to add to the excellent advice already given, except to say that IMO Sheryl Sandberg's Lean In should be required reading for all women, especially young women:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lean_In


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Threeblessings said:


> Your necklace is beautiful. Can I ask where it was made for you?


https://www.etsy.com/shop/Bestyle?u...cUupxmMvOxnv2&eaid=86636215&x_eaid=f771182eb7

(The cross is from Stella & Dot)


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

SecondTime'Round said:


> https://www.etsy.com/shop/Bestyle?u...cUupxmMvOxnv2&eaid=86636215&x_eaid=f771182eb7
> 
> (The cross is from Stella & Dot)


Thanks for sharing :grin2:


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> After numerous cheating ordeals and other marital issues, I will soon be divorced. However, my psychologist has pointed out that I have a huge self-esteem issue which is true.
> 
> ...


3B you are going about it in reverse you need to work from the inside out.

Once you are on your own you will gain a different perspective.

55


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Change is good.

I sometimes call it fine tuning.

I'm not sure how much change is too fast too soon.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

just got it 55 said:


> 3B you are going about it in reverse you need to work from the inside out.
> 
> Once you are on your own you will gain a different perspective.
> 
> 55


Thank you. I have been on my own for 2 years already, well despite the kids being around .


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

I think it would be very surprising if you weren't struggling with self-esteem issues after what you've been through. Everyone I know who has been through a divorce has questioned themselves, their worth, their looks, their abilities in bed, their intelligence, their perception, you name it. Self-esteem is something I struggle with a lot too. In your case, did it pre-date your marriage?

In and of itself, changing some things about your physical appearance can actually be positive if they make you feel a bit better about yourself. Getting your hair/nails done can have a really big positive impact on your mood in the short-term. At any rate, it's much better than wallowing. Physical activity like the exercise you're currently getting infrequently can have a much bigger impact though on your long-term health and mood. If you can squeeze it in, think about working in 15 minutes yoga or exercise video at home, so it won't infringe too much on your already hectic schedule. 

Definitely would recommend setting yourself a goal of going out and doing something you enjoy once a month, or once every 2 weeks. Makes an enormous difference to get out of the house and away from your work/studies/kids for a few hours to decompress. That way, when you return to them, you feel more positive. Since it has been 2 years already, maybe it's time to work some me-time into your new household? Joined a few groups on Meetup and have had mostly positive experiences. Sometimes having more of a social life can be really helpful - you wouldn't think it would impact self-esteem issues, but I have found that it really does, in that you're focusing on something you enjoy for a couple of hours rather than being at home, brooding.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

joannacroc said:


> I think it would be very surprising if you weren't struggling with self-esteem issues after what you've been through. Everyone I know who has been through a divorce has questioned themselves, their worth, their looks, their abilities in bed, their intelligence, their perception, you name it. Self-esteem is something I struggle with a lot too. In your case, did it pre-date your marriage?
> 
> In and of itself, changing some things about your physical appearance can actually be positive if they make you feel a bit better about yourself. Getting your hair/nails done can have a really big positive impact on your mood in the short-term. At any rate, it's much better than wallowing. Physical activity like the exercise you're currently getting infrequently can have a much bigger impact though on your long-term health and mood. If you can squeeze it in, think about working in 15 minutes yoga or exercise video at home, so it won't infringe too much on your already hectic schedule.
> 
> Definitely would recommend setting yourself a goal of going out and doing something you enjoy once a month, or once every 2 weeks. Makes an enormous difference to get out of the house and away from your work/studies/kids for a few hours to decompress. That way, when you return to them, you feel more positive. Since it has been 2 years already, maybe it's time to work some me-time into your new household? Joined a few groups on Meetup and have had mostly positive experiences. Sometimes having more of a social life can be really helpful - you wouldn't think it would impact self-esteem issues, but I have found that it really does, in that you're focusing on something you enjoy for a couple of hours rather than being at home, brooding.


Thank you for your very helpful response. My self-esteem issues did pre-date my marriage. Over the years, they have become much worse. Also, my mental health has suffered immensely and everything you said about questioning myself, this is exactly what I do constantly :frown2: The end of my marriage is just weeks away but I am not the person I was before marriage, the sad truth is I don't know what happened to her .


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

I highly recommend the Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. The main message I got from the book was this:

NOBODY IS COMING TO SAVE YOU!

IOW you are solely responsible for your own happiness.
But aside from that, the book does a great job of breaking down the various contributing factors (ie pillars) that contribute to your self esteem. Some of your issues probably predate your marriage even if you don't realize it. As 55 said, work from the inside out. It is great that you are changing some of the superficial or external aspects of your self, but turning it around inside will greatly enhance the external changes.


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## Curse of Millhaven (Feb 16, 2013)

I'm sorry your husband broke his vows and your marriage and that you are now struggling to rebuild yourself anew in the aftermath. I think that's to be expected after all you have been through. For what it's worth...I admire your fortitude.

I have no pearls of wisdom to share on the self-esteem front. I wage war on myself daily and often lose. It's futile at this point; I know I will never win myself over. And although I haven't conquered my self-esteem issues, I am making peace with myself. 

Honestly, my insecurities, pain, and inner battle are as much a part of me as anything. And while I don't love myself, I do sometimes have pride for the tenacious woman I have become. And my experiences (good and bad), my struggles and battle scars all feed into that. I'm a fighter, a survivor. And I think you are too.

When I start getting down on myself I try to remember that I am the only me that will ever be. I am rare, I am perfectly imperfect, I am mine. And that's all I ever need to be.

May you find the acceptance, comfort, and solace in yourself that is there waiting for you.

Here's a line from an e.e. cummings poem that always lifts me up...I hope it does the same for you. Godspeed.

"and now you are and i am now
and we're a mystery which will never happen again"


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

self-esteem?
small successes.
keep away from mood destroyers.
get endorphins from exercise.
kept drinking and other depressives to max one dose a day.
make sure B12 and folate are present in diet.
get rid (not just box) rubbish and unused stuff - dusty mathoms just drag you back down.
involve yourself casually on your own terms with positive people.
don't use computers or iPads at night.
don't depend on others to make their commitments.
let small success lead to bigger successes, preferably stuff that isn't going to create longer term issues (I'm finding my enjoyment over 95-100% on a university assignment is being destroyed esteem-wise because it just means more pressure for the term, and the finish line is so far away it's neither fun, nor motivational. Yet pulling weeds, and getting my solar PV gear out, is less impressive but far more satisfying)


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Curse of Millhaven said:


> I'm sorry your husband broke his vows and your marriage and that you are now struggling to rebuild yourself anew in the aftermath. I think that's to be expected after all you have been through. For what it's worth...I admire your fortitude.
> 
> I have no pearls of wisdom to share on the self-esteem front. I wage war on myself daily and often lose. It's futile at this point; I know I will never win myself over. And although I haven't conquered my self-esteem issues, I am making peace with myself.
> 
> ...



So beautiful, thank you x


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

Hi 3 Blessings!
Actually, I think it is very normal and not unexpected -- that as a newly single woman, you may want to change your glasses, your hairstyle exc. Those actions don't sound like low self-esteem, it sounds like you are making a fresh start and "re-finding" your identity as a single lady. I exercise "irregularly" too! I think a lot of people go through spurts of exercising and then getting busy and not exercising, that is allowed  I was divorced 10+ years ago. The best confidence booster was creating a new life without the ex -- I made new friends, went to a new church----my life evolved without my ex. And surrounding yourself with POSITIVE friends and relatives is important also!! Good luck!!


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## sally40 (Aug 7, 2015)

3 Blessings -- I like the posters question about do you get to go out and see friends, and then you explained that you are busy with school, work and your children.....how about this....could you make new friends **in tandem** with your children's activities? For example, when I got divorced my children were 2 and 6. I joined a new church. The 2 year old went into the nursery (i.e. I actually had the chance to hear the sermon). I met nice people and I helped out in the nursery some. I actually met a nice man at church -- FOUR years later we got engaged and now we have been married NINE years  

My point is I was actually doing something with my children (going to a new church as a family) and I met new friends -- the kids met new friends apart from their school friends -- and I met my second husband who is my children's stepdad. ......Also, sometimes I would go out for coffee with my children's friends mothers -- the 2 or 3 I knew the best. Maybe coffee is something you may have time for OR could you study with a few other folks from school to get 2 things done at once (studying and making friendships with other students?) 

I didn't mean to push the idea of church--- I just mean that church services were something I did with my children and I met new people there -- all at the same time. Best of luck!!!


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

sally40 said:


> 3 Blessings -- I like the posters question about do you get to go out and see friends, and then you explained that you are busy with school, work and your children.....how about this....could you make new friends **in tandem** with your children's activities? For example, when I got divorced my children were 2 and 6. I joined a new church. The 2 year old went into the nursery (i.e. I actually had the chance to hear the sermon). I met nice people and I helped out in the nursery some. I actually met a nice man at church -- FOUR years later we got engaged and now we have been married NINE years
> 
> My point is I was actually doing something with my children (going to a new church as a family) and I met new friends -- the kids met new friends apart from their school friends -- and I met my second husband who is my children's stepdad. ......Also, sometimes I would go out for coffee with my children's friends mothers -- the 2 or 3 I knew the best. Maybe coffee is something you may have time for OR could you study with a few other folks from school to get 2 things done at once (studying and making friendships with other students?)
> 
> I didn't mean to push the idea of church--- I just mean that church services were something I did with my children and I met new people there -- all at the same time. Best of luck!!!


Thank you Sally40. We also go to Church and recently changed churches....so we're back to making new friends again. It is really hard meeting up with people where I live in Northern Australia, some study and some work....and I think between our schedules we could work something out. My divorce hearing is in 3 weeks time.... hopefully life is much better after that .


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