# What a mess



## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

My question is what to do now? 

The story: 

Married almost five years, moved to a new place for me when we married. I don’t know anyone here, I work in a small office of five people. If I’m not at work then I’m at home. Husband is from here so he talks to and knows a lot of people but hasn’t introduced me to many of them at all. 

Shortly before we married he was in an accident with significant physical injuries that cause pain to this day. His retreat from the pain is video games. After spending our days at work I would come home to look at his back with headphones on as he played games. This was not a constant every day thing but it was often enough to cause problems. We talked sometimes but rarely in depth and did not go out. All of the household responsibilities were mine, all of the errands, everything. More and more I began to feel like a convenience, I took care of the home, took care of him but he didn’t take care of me. I turned to online forums for social interaction and developed friendships with several people. Husband found out, he saw this as me having been unfaithful to him and he is right. In my mind, if only as a fantasy, I had sex with other men. Once he found out all accounts were deleted and he has all of my passwords for everything. I am fully transparent. 

Husband has said that he loves me, he is in love with me, he doesn’t want a divorce, he has stopped playing video games almost completely but has now reconnected with some old girlfriends. He has said that I could not remain faithful to him so he cannot remain faithful to me. He says that I have made him feel inadequate and that they don’t, that I have destroyed his self confidence and his self esteem and that he has to rebuild those things. He acknowledges that he has a “relationship” with one of these women, not a sexual relationship at this point but he says that it will be most likely. I have grown to hate his cellphone which constantly makes noise as he gets texts and messages from yahoo from his “friends.” I refuse to remain in the room with him while he is talking with them. The time that I spent with others was not time I took from him, he was ignoring me already. 

Today he told me that he fully believed that when he told me of his plan to rebuild his self esteem that I would either a) begin divorce proceedings or b) we would each find other people until our marriage fizzled out. That I have not done that has amazed him. He likes the work being done and wants me to be able to prove to him that I want only him. Says that if I can show him that he won’t need anyone else. I’m not sure how to do that but I’ll keep trying.

The whole process is like grief, I know that, and I know that right now he is at the point that he is angry with me and is acting out on that anger. While I never physically had sex with anyone else I did with my mind so the anger is deserved. He says he has to work this out of his system but doesn’t know how long that will take. He claims that I killed the woman he married and this person he doesn’t like even though he does love me and is in love with me. During the five months after disclosure we went on dates, he brought me flowers, we spent all of our time together and really seemed to connect and be building something wonderful. We still go on a date every other Thursday night, he does most of the errands with me now and we have a fabulous love life. To say I was stunned by the knowledge of the girlfriends is an understatement.

The man I discovered he could be when all of this came out five months ago is the man I always needed but I was never able to convey that need to him in a way that wasn’t met with anger until then. I do love him, don’t want to be apart from him and hope that in time we will work this out. For me it was never a question of not loving him but rather of feeling that he did not want me, surely didn’t need me except as a maid and the desire he held for me was just as a sexual outlet.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

Having said all of this I will add that I don't want sympathy, I question myself because I don't feel I can be objective about the situation. 

I appreciate anything anyone has to offer.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

You are living with the consequences of your actions.
You broke his trust and you may never get it back.
His revenge affairs are a very unhealthy way of healing - and you have the right to not allow that in your life. 

So, you made a very detrimental bad move in going outside your marriage. But it sounds like you both want it fixed. You just have to keep going forward. Counceling very important. And read His Needs Her Needs - trust me.

He was an a-hole to you in the past and he has to understand that that put the relationship in jepordy - but you should always take complete blame for breaking his trust. I wish my husband would start everyday by saying he was sorry and stupid for hurting me so badly with his actions, and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. 

If I were you, I would say to your H everyday, the idea of what you said in your last paragraph - that he's the H you always wanted. And probaby the other thing would be to insist that he stop conversations with any old girlfriends. Get defensive "I'll kick their XXX." I think he needs to hear this, needs to see that you will do what it takes to keep him - and not let what happen to you happen to him.

And... probably for the rest of YOUR life you will be haunted by the possibility of the revenge affair. I think it what the people "like you" who cause this form of harm on their partner, end up getting in the end. It by no means he will, but his hurt will always be there too. C'est la vie. You are what you eat.
Good luck. Roll up your sleeves, and work for it everyday.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

SIS, the one thing I'd say in response is that two wrongs don't make a right... She may have made the wrong choice in the past, but now he's doing it deliberately.

gasunrise, I guess I'd say that unless he's willing to try to get past his hurt feelings, there's not much you can do to make it right. Both people in the relationship need to want to make it work to give it a chance. Otherwise, you might as well pack some bags now.

C


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

From the beginning I have been fully accountable for my actions and have stated repeatedly that I am the one to blame. Regardless of the fact that there were issues on both sides that lead me there, I am the one that went. That being said, you are right, I brought it on myself. 

Last night he sat down beside me and I had my computer out, I started typing, pulled up a few things and handed the laptop to him. On the screen was the girlfriends home and work address, her and her husbands email addresses (personal and work), and phone numbers at their house and work, her facebook page came up next. He just looked at me, my response was "did you think I'd take it lying down?" 

Thank you for the recommendation on the book, I have been doing a good bit of reading at Affaircare and Marriage Builders. I tried showing him some of it last night but that got nowhere fast. He refuses to acknowledge that he had any part in what caused our issues. That's fine, I'll work on me. On the other side is all of this will be a better person, that is what I have determined.....now to make it happen.


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## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

First off, I can`t believe this. I so could have wrote that whole post. Right down to the back pain to the video games. The only difference is that I don`t have the proof and I don`t know if he is cheating or not. Maybe he doesn`t consider it cheating cause he told me 2 weeks ago he was done.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

According to him we had no problems, they were all in my head....right. 

Sometimes I could just scream. But what I have come to realize is that it is not my responsibility to fix him, only me. I am making the changes in me that will make me happy, I don't want our marriage to end but know that I didn't treat it that way in the past, I have to show him that I do want this, that I do want him and so much more.


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## tamara24 (Jul 14, 2010)

First of all, I don't see why you are so willing to take all the blame. Your husband had an addiction to video games that took away from your marraige,you sought the attention that lacked in your marraige. Not saying you were right, but neither was he. He is also to blame.

Second, the books recommended to you is also good. Also read Love Busters. 
Third, your husband needs to understand that there are two people in the marraige and both of you have been hurt, both were wrong and you both deserve a clean slate. I personally feel that that he is calling/texting old girlfriends as not only as a way to get back to you but he is using your past behavior as an excuse for his. That is not right either. If you keep playing tit for tat,both of you will lose and be unhappy.

I would make it clear that you are not willing to accept this type of behavior. Don't walk out of the room. Make him accountable for his actions. He is acting like a child.get your hubby back. Sit him down when you are not angry and tell him about how he much he means to you and how you feel about all this.let him tell you how he felt when he found out about your communications.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You did wrong in a way (what is sex in your mind?)

But his response is just as bad, maybe worse.

Not acceptable!

You two need marriage counseling and you need to enforce a boundary with him that both if you have lost.

It's total BS on his part that he needs to contact these women because of what you did.

He's hurt, but his revenge is cruel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

gasunrise, I am going to suggest that you be careful and look after yourself. My husband is on his 3rd divorce filing against me. I have heard nearly the same words come out of his mouth (he wants the "old me"-the one who accommodated everyone else and never disagreed, etc.). What happened: 1st divorce filing, I ended up having a nervous breakdown. I had spent 7 years working full-time and caring for our two small daughters. My husband was legally blind due to diabetes; did not work at all. I also went to school one of those years to improve my career. We "reconciled" after his attorney presented a settlement giving my husband EVERYTHING. Not legally savvy and in emotional shock, I stuck it out for a couple more years. 2nd filing: I finally filed after husband got papers and filled out 3 months before. Wish I'd filed his. We went to Court; I was moving out as I'd been convinced I was the crazy one (and treated like that), otherwise I was the only one who went to counseling or made changes. Requested joint custody; I thought it was easier on our kids if they stayed in familiar surroundings, so explained this in petition. Husband was granted sole custody and this became a weapon. About 5 years ago, he said he wanted to try again. We dated a while and it seemed changes were made.Oct. 5, he filed for 3rd time when we learned he had skipped work for an affair. 23 days til it's "over"; I'm being punished because I trusted. I wish I had socked more money away; I wanted to go through mediation or work it out between us; he wants to get me out of here as cheaply as possible and not give up anything; he claims he owes me "nothing". You can hope for the best and prepare for the worst-I was transferring $50 a month from my checking to replenish our "vacation" fund, so I had a bit of money for attorney fees. If things turn out well, you can always use the money to reward yourselves for hard work well done. 

Continue to work on yourself. Strive for a "whole relationship"-don't fool yourself into thinking you can piecemeal it. But don't let him railroad you either. I was making changes this past summer; I've never had an affair, but I've been under a lot of stress since my husband had a heart attack March 09 that nearly killed him. I let myself go, I nit-picked about what he ate, but I ALSO spent hours learning what I could do to cook healthier meals AND, when I recognized that I was letting go, I took steps to get back on track. My husband accepts no RESPONSIBILITY for OUR problems, as he tells me, "I GAVE you a home; if you don't like it, get out!!" Not trying to scare you, just sounds like to me that you have a lot of similarities to what I've been through. We live next door to his mother-I came here never having set foot in Indiana before we moved here. He justifies and rationalizes his actions. I have been giving him the benefit of the doubt because I thought the health concerns have been affecting him, but nearly 4 months later, we have "no relationship". I'm facing having to move in 23 days without money, putting our kids through turmoil for no good reason...if you are honestly changing for the better, the other person may find it to be too much effort. I don't know how to solve that. Just don't get yourself boxed into a corner with no escape if you are doing the right things.


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## dadda11o (Jan 6, 2011)

PS If you can find a support group or someplace where you can talk about what's going on. I found myself withdrawing from social activities and friendships when things were going downhill in my marriage. Later, after we divorced, I found a support group that really helped me learn to be more aware of my own contributions to continuing down the wrong path and seeing the progress others were making was a great encouragement (especially when I realized I was making progress!).


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

gasunrise said:


> He says that I have made him feel inadequate and that they don’t, that I have destroyed his self confidence and his self esteem and that he has to rebuild those things.


Oh please. Your husband feels inadequate because he is inadequate.

You hold all the power in this relationship as he's dependant on you.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

Finding others to talk to is what brought me here, that and to learn. It has been helpful to be able to say the things that I have, which prior to I was holding inside. 

As stated previously, I am fully transparent, so he is aware that I have put this information out there. His reaction has been surprising in a way, it seems to bother him. My only response to that was "you made your bed, be happy laying in it". 

Last night we made a promise that when we come out the other side of this, which I firmly believe we will, the day we renew our wedding vows is the last day any of this is ever available for discussion again. All of the jabs and all of the other nitpicking about what got us here will be out of bounds from then on. He said "you know it will get mentioned" to which I replied "do it and I will stop you midword and call you on it, you won't use this as a weapon against me for the rest of my life." 

My initial post comes off as a doormat and there are tough moments but I have found good people here to talk to and it is helping. Its cyclical, good moments and bad, such is life.


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## gasunrise (Jan 13, 2011)

I am asking for advice, opinions and/or any help available. 

Husband sits beside me, in our bed, and texts with the OW, spends Saturdays with her but if in any way I show any hurt or emotion he says I have no right to those emotions because of what I did. Ok, I get it, I had an online affair but this has gotten a bit extreme. 

He tells me that sexually no one pleases him like me, that even though he has had sex with her it was for her, not him, she wants a sexual relationship only. He said that in order to perform he had to close his eyes and think of me. 

I'm reaching the end of my rope.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

gasunrise said:


> I am asking for advice, opinions and/or any help available.
> 
> Husband sits beside me, in our bed, and texts with the OW, spends Saturdays with her but if in any way I show any hurt or emotion he says I have no right to those emotions because of what I did. Ok, I get it, I had an online affair but this has gotten a bit extreme.
> 
> ...


You are being disrespected in the most cruel manner and your marriage cannot recover from this. He is punishing you and treating you like a fool and doormat may and you stay!!

You are giving him permission to treat you any way he wants with no limits. This is how you marriage will be from now on. Once you give a person leeway to treat you like you are nothing they lose all respect for you. That respect is not granted from them but demanded by you. 

In honor of yourself, ask him to leave. Let him know what you think of yourself. If you don't want to leave then tell him it's now an open marriage and you will also do what he is doing. Go out with your girlfriends or just for for a ride but don't be treated like dirt.


What you did was wrong, he either forgives you, work on his issues and recommits to the marriage or not. He has made his decision to not to recommit but he is having a great time punishing you before he leaves. How can you let yourself be treated like this.

Do not have sex with this man. Get checked for STDs and for goodness sake get rid of him. This bitter cruel man who takes no responsibility for how he contributed to the marital problems is not marriage material. 

Let him go, he will not be successful in another relationship because he does not admit his mistakes. If you are working on your self you will have no problems finding a man to cherish you. Let this sick man go.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

:bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag::bsflag:

*I can not believe he kisses his mother with that mouth! *  LOL 

You know I've worked with people for nearly 12 years now, and that's even a new one to me! So he abandoned the marriage and neglected you to play his video game, and as a result you crossed the line online by imagining sex in your mind. I will assume you did not do cybersex with your OP because you have never once mentioned that's what you did and you're pretty right up front about taking personal responsibility. 

But somehow, you having "thought of it" is justification for him abandoning and neglecting you in the first place--and now carrying on an affair where he actually HAS SLEPT WITH the OW!!! And "it was for her...it wasn't for him..."  Yeah right--I believe that. 

Get a bucket, gasunrise. It's getting pretty deep in her (like, up to my eyeballs)!

Time to call an end to this :bsflag: When you two married, you both made promises to "forsake all others" and you both broke that. Now the day has come to stop using that as an excuse for continued abuse and neglect. If I were you I'd throw :redcard: and say "That's it. I can understand you were justifying your affair before but now it's gone too far. Either end it and start working on our marriage or I'm packing your stuff and sending you to live with her. Let HER pay your bills and take care of you! If you want the benefits that come with being married to me, you need to take the responsibilities too--such as that little 'forsaking all others' thing. So what's your choice? You moving out tonight or repairing our marriage tonight, cuz I won't be disrespected like this and I'm done living off crumbs. I want 100% of you or nothing."


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I aggree with AC, in the 12 month with my experience in infidelity That whole thing about the OW is out there.

Time to call time out and bring in a referee. This marraige is going no where so its time to call him out and repair or bail.

If you don't bail you know he will continue. You can away get back together once he does the NC.


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