# im confused? and is it time to give up



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Its been a long time since I've have been on here. i was in a sexless marriage with my husband for a long time we have worked towards fixing this together through therpy. 

Here's where i am at

I am 90% of the time the initiator unless the below examples don't count than im 100%.

I am starting to feel like crap like im not wanted. its not like i never told him i wish he would try more.

Heres the confusing part for me and happens frequently 

Example one -. On our way from home he was saying he been thinking about me today and had a hard on-Great! hes in the mood (guys input) he thought about me sexually today...kids are in bed..im wearing night gown which is of the yes i want it too. But nothing!!! Walked by him several times and nothing he was watching tv ;(


Example 2- sends me a text that's he's thinking of me and wants to have sex tonight- kids in bed -and than i am the one saying things like "did you want to still have sex tonight?or "do you want to have sex"

how do i change the trend in the two examples?

A part of me doesn't want to initiate sex anymore because i feel so unwanted and like im desperate. This is not what i want in my relationship and somedays i wonder why i bother and if i should just end it.


----------



## Rushmore410 (Oct 4, 2017)

I'm in the same boat with my wife. I have to initiate always. I explain how it makes me feel not desired but it never seems to make a difference.

I think some people just can't initiate. I would say he probably says those things to you because through therapy he has learned you need those things but when it comes down to having sex he is either not interested or has to wait for you to initiate. 

You most likely won't change him at this point. Just initiate and have sex when you can. If you aren't happy with that I would say move on. 

I plan on moving on after my youngest is out of the house for exactly that reason. Sexual compatability is extremely important. You should find someone that matches your drive and needs and he deserves the same. 

Best of luck.


----------



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Angel82 said:


> Its been a long time since I've have been on here. i was in a sexless marriage with my husband for a long time we have worked towards fixing this together through therpy.
> 
> Here's where i am at
> 
> ...


Does he have some kind of ED? 

If no, and if it was me I would give an ultimatum (for him to explain and be proactive to solve his/our issue). I'm in a situation pretty close to yours but I'm unable to even discuss this with an ill child in a long treatment while almost 8 months pregnant, but who knows later?

I'm sorry for not having a more constructive, but knlw youre not alone and many of us have those stuggles with our hubbies.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Rushmore410 said:


> I think some people just can't initiate. I would say he probably says those things to you because through therapy he has learned you need those things .


Yes.
People often say what they think others want to hear.

That's the easy part, and they may even delude themselves into believing it at the time they say it.

But when it comes time to follow through, the moko just ain't there.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Does he masterbation? Does he go somewhere by himself? Has he been Checked for low testrotone? Is he into porn?is he passive aggressive. Get him the blue pill and you get it from the pharmacy. Will he please you without PIV? Have you tried toys? Have you grasped his hand and put it where you want to be touched? Have you not wore you night gown in front of him? Does he do drugs/booze?


----------



## kari2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I haven't read your earlier threads if you have them, but I suggest trying one thing before you give up: Have H go to a "men's clinic" (that is geared towards testosterone replacement therapy, they have them in most medium to big cities) and have them check his 'Free' and 'unbound' testosterone levels, NOT just the Total Testosterone. Checking the free/unbound is very important. If it is low, get him to do him do the self-injections in the leg twice a week (NOT once a week or every 2 weeks, that is a hormone roller coaster). The injections of testosterone cypionate are inexpensive even if you don't have insurance, can pick up the prescription and syringes at a drugstore.

It's very important to check his T levels every few weeks for the first year of therapy and adjust dosage as needed, then he will know what is the right level. Important to check hemoglobin levels, can't let hemoglobin get too high due to the T. He can't do this if you are trying to conceive though. Once on T therapy, it is usually for life, assuming he tests as having low T.

Your guy is acting like one with low free testosterone. If this is the problem, there is nothing else you can do that will work (without treatment maybe you can get him to improve for a couple weeks with just willpower but then he will backslide.)


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Was there ever a time where he was more sexual with you? Now this part is controversial (and we say for both men and women) what kind of shape are you in? Have you gained a lot of weight, or changed the way you dress since being married? I am not talking about normal aging process that all of us go through. I get that that is an uncomfortable subject for people but attraction is often visual particularly in men. Besides at least I believe it's part of a spouses responsibility to be the best they can be within reason. 

How is your seduction game? Have you tried to do different things to turn him on? 

Again not saying your not just trying to point out some things that could be a hindrance. 

These stories are always sad because often there is a perfectly good member of the opposite sex in the same time of marriage.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

kari2 said:


> I haven't read your earlier threads if you have them, but I suggest trying one thing before you give up: Have H go to a "men's clinic" (that is geared towards testosterone replacement therapy, they have them in most medium to big cities) and have them check his 'Free' and 'unbound' testosterone levels, NOT just the Total Testosterone. Checking the free/unbound is very important. If it is low, get him to do him do the self-injections in the leg twice a week (NOT once a week or every 2 weeks, that is a hormone roller coaster). The injections of testosterone cypionate are inexpensive even if you don't have insurance, can pick up the prescription and syringes at a drugstore.
> 
> It's very important to check his T levels every few weeks for the first year of therapy and adjust dosage as needed, then he will know what is the right level. Important to check hemoglobin levels, can't let hemoglobin get too high due to the T. He can't do this if you are trying to conceive though. Once on T therapy, it is usually for life, assuming he tests as having low T.
> 
> Your guy is acting like one with low free testosterone. If this is the problem, there is nothing else you can do that will work (without treatment maybe you can get him to improve for a couple weeks with just willpower but then he will backslide.)


Or he is addicted to porn.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Angel82 said:


> Its been a long time since I've have been on here. i was in a sexless marriage with my husband for a long time we have worked towards fixing this together through therapy.


What was learned in therapy? 




Angel82 said:


> Example one -. On our way from home he was saying he been thinking about me today and had a hard on-Great! hes in the mood (guys input) he thought about me sexually today...kids are in bed..im wearing night gown which is of the yes i want it too. But nothing!!! Walked by him several times and nothing he was watching tv ;(


I'm sorry to hear that. 



Angel82 said:


> Example 2- sends me a text that's he's thinking of me and wants to have sex tonight- kids in bed -and than i am the one saying things like "did you want to still have sex tonight?or "do you want to have sex"


How did he respond?


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Does he have some kind of ED? 

If no, and if it was me I would give an ultimatum (for him to explain and be proactive to solve his/our issue). I'm in a situation pretty close to yours but I'm unable to even discuss this with an ill child in a long treatment while almost 8 months pregnant, but who knows later?

I'm sorry for not having a more constructive, but knlw youre not alone and many of us have those stuggles with our hubbies.[/QUOTE]

There was ED issues and he was using porn alot at the beginning of our marriage. Obviously since we were not having sex. When i found out about it 5 years ago this is when I had the talk that this was not okay. we separated for a bit and worked with a marriage consultant. Our sex life improved from there and was more frequent to something i was happier with and felt more normal.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

Tilted 1 said:


> Does he masterbation? yes
> 
> Does he go somewhere by himself?yes
> 
> ...


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Was there ever a time where he was more sexual with you? Before we were marries
> 
> 
> Now this part is controversial (and we say for both men and women) what kind of shape are you in? Not the best i can be
> ...


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> Angel82 said:
> 
> 
> > Its been a long time since I've have been on here. i was in a sexless marriage with my husband for a long time we have worked towards fixing this together through therapy.
> ...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Hey @Angel82 if you are going to reply to our quotes inside our quotes can you bold the parts that you wrote. It makes it a whole lot easier to read. 

Like this --



> Here is the quote. *Here is the response inside the quote.*



Back to what I think was your reply to me. Seduction is really about what turns him on not you, when you tell him what turns you on does he tell you his?


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Hey @Angel82 if you are going to reply to our quotes inside our quotes can you bold the parts that you wrote. It makes it a whole lot easier to read.
> 
> Like this --
> 
> ...


Sorry its been so long since i have been on a forum.

i have recently been asking him what he likes and wants and putting and effort and taking more time. instead of putting my hands down till its ready to go (not to much time) i am making it an experience.Talking dirty , changing it up what i am doing and after sex is when we are in bed. hell ask me what i want Hes tells me the stuff he would like to do to me but im not sure if its real.Because of my original post...


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Angel82 said:


> . Get him the blue pill and you get it from the pharmacy? no ed issues
> 
> Will he please you without PIV? recently yes since i am more open to it to now and wasn't before due to my self confidence
> 
> ...


1.The blue pill is not as much as for ED , but rather if he is up to activity this will enhance his erection and possibly give him some self confidence.

2. Good maybe knowing this and the openness to toys will enable and engage him. Him possible seeing you in your enjoyment, may arouse him into playful activity for the both of you. Possible do a posting in sex in marriage to get some great ideas. And engage with him and involve him you both as do shopping together. And In some of your new choices at the (sex store), be candid and playful. Yes you may get the embarrassed shy grin but it will be something new for both of you. EXPLORE newness together and possibly get something for him as well.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Angel82 said:


> Sorry its been so long since i have been on a forum.
> 
> i have recently been asking him what he likes and wants and putting and effort and taking more time. instead of putting my hands down till its ready to go (not to much time) i am making it an experience.Talking dirty , changing it up what i am doing and after sex is when we are in bed. hell ask me what i want Hes tells me the stuff he would like to do to me but im not sure if its real.Because of my original post...


This is so incredibly sad when you put this in the context of so many guys wishing their wives would take an interest in this side of them. It's such a shame that he would see this and want to do the same for you. 

Uggh!!

Maybe he is the type that has a response desire. I think the stereo type is that only women feel this way.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> What was learned in therapy?





Angel82 said:


> it was hard to hear..i neglected him..before we had kids i was never home because i was so unhappy. And i fought about the lack of sex but a bit of effort and then gave up and didn't address his depression issues.


Did you both feel those issues were then addressed through therapy?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Angel82 said:


> I am starting to feel like crap like im not wanted. its not like i never told him i wish he would try more.
> 
> A part of me doesn't want to initiate sex anymore because i feel so unwanted and like im desperate. This is not what i want in my relationship and somedays i wonder why i bother and if i should just end it.


Men have egos too. Especially when it comes to the idea of being inadequate. You would probably want him to get over that because obviously he is not. All he need is just to put forth a little effort. Likewise he probably senses the same in you in that you feel unwanted and needy which IS terribly unattractive. 

Work on each other's confidence! At the end of the day it is work you have to do on your own, but you can ask your spouse to help. Awkwardly enough the biggest way to help someone is to let them help you. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

heartsbeating said:


> heartsbeating said:
> 
> 
> > What was learned in therapy?
> ...



The therapy was over 5 years ago and i reflected and realize that I haven't been paying attention to his needs again. I get so busy with work, kids, and my own things. Also the sex has been quantity not quality


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Angel82 said:


> The therapy was over 5 years ago and i reflected and realize that I haven't been paying attention to his needs again. I get so busy with work, kids, and my own things. Also the sex has been quantity not quality


Just curious - since you (as is the case most of the time) seem to be the one taking on the lion's share of the child rearing and probably the domestic chores as well as working a full-time job, what exactly is *HE *doing to meet _YOUR_ needs?

Why is it always about _needy_ men who only do the bare minimum at home but still expect to be catered to by a woman who is already stretched to her capacity?

So Angel, I'm just asking honestly. Exactly what does Prince Charming do for *YOU*, besides deplete your dignity and self esteem for the last 5+ years?


----------



## Stormguy2018 (Jul 11, 2018)

sokillme said:


> This is so incredibly sad when you put this in the context of so many guys wishing their wives would take an interest in this side of them. It's such a shame that he would see this and want to do the same for you.
> 
> Uggh!!
> 
> Maybe he is the type that has a response desire. I think the stereo type is that only women feel this way.


Yes. Sorry Angel82. I don't understand your husband. 

I just wish my wife would initiate once in a while. Or once.

It's painful.


----------



## Angel82 (Sep 7, 2015)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Angel82 said:
> 
> 
> > The therapy was over 5 years ago and i reflected and realize that I haven't been paying attention to his needs again. I get so busy with work, kids, and my own things. Also the sex has been quantity not quality
> ...


Agreed posting here is helping me realize that my relationship is not okay. My husband does help me with the kids and chores but he is not putting 100% so i had a heart to heart with him and really face the problems. For example, One of the biggest things that bothers me is he comfortable sleeping on the couch for the last 4 years when the kids were always needing to sleep with mom. While its been a year of both kids not sleeping with me so i just said its not okay anymore. I BASICALLY said in my convo with him all the things that needed to change for me to be happy in my marriage and in return i would do what he needed. while its only been week he is stepping up his game. He is not all the problem but I want the love and romance too. I have been showing him more love, respect and support and i told him what my expectations are and its been really good so far and i feel more connected to him. While since he's been in bed with me he's been finally initiating and after we talk and i feel like we are reconnecting like before we got married. Its going to take time but i think we are finally on the same page but i know what want and if he slips away than im going to move on becuase in this past week i have felt more loved then i have i the 10 years we have been married. Thats what i want from my relationship and nothing less than that I will settle for.


----------



## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

You know if l am reading your post correctly, maybe an apology is in order from you to your husband. If you allowed you children to invade the marital bed. You hurt the ego of your H. Not jumping in here with all the facts but, when you put your H out to comfort the kids to me crosses the line and l do not think l would be able to endure. Now you setting down some new game rules. And your use of just how you get there is kinda self serving. Please correct me if l am wrong. 

I get things wrong from time to time, but will admit my wrong doings.

Tilted


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Angel82 said:


> The therapy was over 5 years ago and i reflected and realize that I haven't been paying attention to his needs again. I get so busy with work, kids, and my own things. Also the sex has been quantity not quality


Sometimes quantity is not a bad thing. One problem in many sex starved marriages is that both are desperate when each sex act happens. That can lead to performance anxiety and a host of problems. The sex therapist that helped my W and me taught us that sex should be playful, not stressful.

Frequency allows you to laugh when things don't go right, as you can try again next time. Quality is important, but frequency can also help with the release of bonding hormones between two people.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Angel82 said:


> Agreed posting here is helping me realize that my relationship is not okay. My husband does help me with the kids and chores but he is not putting 100% so i had a heart to heart with him and really face the problems. For example, One of the biggest things that bothers me is he comfortable sleeping on the couch for the last 4 years when the kids were always needing to sleep with mom. While its been a year of both kids not sleeping with me so i just said its not okay anymore. I BASICALLY said in my convo with him all the things that needed to change for me to be happy in my marriage and in return i would do what he needed. while its only been week he is stepping up his game. He is not all the problem but I want the love and romance too. I have been showing him more love, respect and support and i told him what my expectations are and its been really good so far and i feel more connected to him. While since he's been in bed with me he's been finally initiating and after we talk and i feel like we are reconnecting like before we got married. Its going to take time but i think we are finally on the same page but i know what want and if he slips away than im going to move on becuase in this past week i have felt more loved then i have i the 10 years we have been married. Thats what i want from my relationship and nothing less than that I will settle for.


At this point, after you've communicated clearly once, and you're sure he's understood if he still isn't into sex, you may have a decision to make.

Just removing panties and sitting on his lap without asking, to see what happens; if he responds poorly you'll know even more, positive or negative.


----------

