# 2nd marriage: Must he choose between wife and children?



## stepmom blues

DH and I were married 6 years ago. We each have 3 children. His two older children have had a hard time accepting our new family and do not spend much time with us. It is beginning to bother DH so much that he's actually considered divorce. He says he still loves me but doesn't know if our relationship is worth not having his children spend time at our house. Even though they are now 21 and 19, and branching out on their own. I think the main issue for his kids is my son who is 19. Our older boys are very different and SS has never liked my son's friends. There is some tension or uneasiness when they are together. They are pleasant but not friends. On the other hand, our younger three children (13,13,17) are great friends. And his youngest daughter (13) gets along great with with my oldest son. (She's at our home about 30% and I'm very close to her...she's like my own daughter.)

I get along fine with my two older SKs, but there is emotional distance. DH is the same with with my 2 oldest. I want my family to remain together. I have high hopes for the future. DH is in a negative mindset. 

He is bothered that he doesn't have a "home base" for his kids to gather. The older kids when they come home from college stay with their mom who lives a mile away. But he's sees quite a bit of them and has a great relationship with them. I spends more time with his son (who doesn't live with us) than I do with mine who does. 

I guess bottom line is: the step family experience has not lived up to his expectations and he's having regrets. EVEN THOUGH we had a great relationship (until he shared this with me 3 months ago). Now it's put a huge strain on our relationship and he's put up a wall. He thinks that in step families, the kids should come first. I think that's a sure fire way to get divorced. His kids shouldn't have a say in if or who he's married to. 

I see things differently, but then my kids want to hang out at our house/his don't very often. 

How do step families deal with older step kids who aren't friends and don't really want to hang out as one big family? I think my husband's guilt is turning him into a martyr. He's actually thinking of divorcing me so he can have his adult children stay at his house a few days/week a year. I can't make sense of it. And if his kids heard that dad got divorced so he'd have more room and a comfortable place for them to stay periodically, wouldn't that put a lot of pressure on them? Young adults want to spend time with friends/dating, not hanging out with their parents.

I guess I'm venting, but has anyone else experienced such an issue? It seems very unusual to me.


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## gav

We're in a blended family.

Our marriage comes first. Period.

Kids are secondary to that. And they know it. And they don't mind. Too much, anyways 

Your husbands kids are grown and gone. They're adults and are capable of making adult decisions, and understanding that your husband made a choice to marry you. If they don't like it, they're free to not be present.

I personally would not be ok with my spouse choosing a child over me. There is zero difference in my mind between an "original" family or a step-family. Marriage first, kids second.


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## tacoma

stepmom blues said:


> He thinks that in step families, the kids should come first. I think that's a sure fire way to get divorced.


This is the key to the whole damn thing.

You have to genuinely change his mind about this idea because you are indeed correct it will lead to divorce or misery.

It`s difficult because this is the brainless mantra of our culture "The kids come first!!" "Do it for the kids!"

Do some online research, there are a lot of step family/parenting organizations out there that might help sway his mind with their ideas.


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## stepmom blues

I think it's a farce. What dad gives up a beautiful relationship for the possibility of seeing his kids a few more days a year? It doesn't make sense. AND his kids LIKE me! They may not be thrilled that their dad remarried and has these extra people around, but so WHAT? 

They also didn't choose for their parents to be divorced, or for their mother to be an alcoholic. Life isn't fair. 

Thanks for the input. I know that something else is really going on. Perhaps a mid-life crisis. I don't know.


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## DTO

gav said:


> Your husbands kids are grown and gone. They're adults and are capable of making adult decisions, and understanding that your husband made a choice to marry you. If they don't like it, they're free to not be present.


Absolutely. It would be different if they were little kids who need a great deal of parental oversight.

Also, the SKs seem immature. They choose to not be around because they are not best friends with your kids? How do they get by in college or careers? They need to learn some life skills.


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## turnera

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs?


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## unbelievable

Did you notice that you referred to your kids as "ours" but his kids as "his"? Why?


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## gav

DTO said:


> Absolutely. It would be different if they were little kids who need a great deal of parental oversight.
> 
> Also, the SKs seem immature. They choose to not be around because they are not best friends with your kids? How do they get by in college or careers? They need to learn some life skills.


Honestly, I still think the marriage comes first before the kids, step kids or not.

That said, if you treat step kids and bio kids differently, you're in for problems anyways. So that's why I look at it like that ... how would I treat the situation if they weren't step kids?


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