# What would you do/say, if anything?



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

My wife and I agreed to divorce and we are working out the details amicably. She'll move away to her home, and our young adult children will stay with me.

A few may remember. For years, I let her depend on me for her happiness. She's bipolar. I'm the one held responsible for us as a couple, in a sense. Finally, I told her that she must take ownership for her happiness, and be a partner in the relationship. She said that she cannot commit to anything unless I make her feel loved and cherished again. What she's saying is that she can't try to initiate time together, non-bitter conversations, etc.

Well, last night, she suddenly told me that she wanted to know if I was okay with the story she was telling her family. It is that she wanted to work on improving our relationship, and I didn't. At first, I just said 'tell what you need to tell to get through this', because I'm the one who initiated the divorce. Later, it really bothered me.

The reason it bothers me is that she admitted in counseling that she couldn't remember ever saying something positive about me in 23 years, but that she is very quick to talk about my faults. But there is no realization that this can affect a guy. I tried so hard, but was always told that I was a poor husband and father through constant criticism. When she told the counselor that I was a great husband, I nearly fainted. I had never perceived anything other than resentment. I mean, she even told me that when we were not making love, she hated me for reasons she couldn't even understand.

What would you suggest?

Also, her sister is convinced that I am having an affair, so I'm bombarded with questions everytime my wife talks to her. It doesn't seem strange to her to question the fact that her sister has had multiple affairs and climbed in my bed nude on vacations on multiple occasions, yet I was always true to my wife.

If it helps, my goal is to move on and take some time for therapy. I let people take advantage of me. I want to be healthy if a new relationship arises, while not being bitter or selfish.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Why can't she pick a better story? Why do you have to be some horrible guy? People get divorced all the time without anyone really taking the blame. I think if that were me I'd have to say I wasn't okay with it and come up with a better more agreeable to you story. She wants to pin this on you to get I'm guessing more sympathy from her family and I don't think that's fair. I'm not saying she has to blame it on her either I mean it's her family but they don't have to know every detail. Why can't she just say you grew apart, fell out of love or something equally as neutral?


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Halien said:


> My wife and I agreed to divorce and we are working out the details amicably. She'll move away to her home, and our young adult children will stay with me.
> 
> A few may remember. For years, I let her depend on me for her happiness. She's bipolar. I'm the one held responsible for us as a couple, in a sense. Finally, I told her that she must take ownership for her happiness, and be a partner in the relationship. She said that she cannot commit to anything unless I make her feel loved and cherished again. What she's saying is that she can't try to initiate time together, non-bitter conversations, etc.
> 
> ...


Why are you letting her throw you under the bus? Tell her to tell the truth or you will.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Halien,

This is vanity! 

She is only trying to save her face. 

You really shouldn't be bothered by what she says to her family. She will only say things to make her look like a great woman and you are a bad man. 

And you really don't need to bothered by what other people think of you! People usually care more about their own stuff, they really don't have much time to sweat for others. Very soon they will forget what have happened! 

Let time decide!


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Thanks so much for the replies. To be honest, I realy struggle with guilt. All the time she says that I've broken the vow to take care of her for life. Thing is, she is very well liked at work, but has no real friends. I think she sees herself as the victim, so she's calling family all the time for support. Our last therapist stopped everything to tell her that no man can be happy in a relationship bounded by her expectations, so she accused me of manipulating the whole thing.

I have to admit that being with her has made me feel guilty for years. I put my foot down many times, but she'll become so angry that I'll ultimately just cave. I told her that this story was not acceptable to me, but I really think that this is how she sees it. To her, the husband must mend emotional rifts. It is a firmly held belief.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

H,
I think you accept that she is going to say whatever she feels like saying in the moment when people ask what happened. 

A divorced friend of mine says something like this: I am very disappointed our marriage failed. As for why it failed, there is no simple answer. Painful as the end of it was, I am grateful for the many years we had together. 

As for your W, sounds like she demanded unconditional love. It also sounds like to the degree you gave it to her, she abused it. 




Halien said:


> Thanks so much for the replies. To be honest, I realy struggle with guilt. All the time she says that I've broken the vow to take care of her for life. Thing is, she is very well liked at work, but has no real friends. I think she sees herself as the victim, so she's calling family all the time for support. Our last therapist stopped everything to tell her that no man can be happy in a relationship bounded by her expectations, so she accused me of manipulating the whole thing.
> 
> I have to admit that being with her has made me feel guilty for years. I put my foot down many times, but she'll become so angry that I'll ultimately just cave. I told her that this story was not acceptable to me, but I really think that this is how she sees it. To her, the husband must mend emotional rifts. It is a firmly held belief.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> H,
> I think you accept that she is going to say whatever she feels like saying in the moment when people ask what happened.
> 
> A divorced friend of mine says something like this: I am very disappointed our marriage failed. As for why it failed, there is no simple answer. Painful as the end of it was, I am grateful for the many years we had together.
> ...


Unconditional love = ideal

Unconditional Relationship Stability = Suicidal

There is a difference.

Thanks MEM


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Great point.

With our oldest child:

We will always love you - no matter what happens. 

And it is also true that certain behaviors are not acceptable, if you choose to act that way you will not be welcome in the house. 

Unconditional love: yep
Unconditional relationship stability: nope




Conrad said:


> Unconditional love = ideal
> 
> Unconditional Relationship Stability = Suicidal
> 
> ...


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

I honestly think that letting her tell that type of story makes you look like a bad person. She has the right to say what ever she wants to, but she's basically slandering you. I would not let her do that--- especially if she turns around and tries to fight for the house or the kids stating that YOU ruined the relationship.

If you do let her share that story with her family, I would at least type up some kind of documentation of what REALLY happened and have you both sign it. That way your butt is provided from any future legal issues.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Sounds like it's too late. She won't own up to it and your efforts to correct her lies will appear pretty lame.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

FaithHopeLove said:


> I honestly think that letting her tell that type of story makes you look like a bad person. She has the right to say what ever she wants to, but she's basically slandering you. I would not let her do that--- especially if she turns around and tries to fight for the house or the kids stating that YOU ruined the relationship.
> 
> If you do let her share that story with her family, I would at least type up some kind of documentation of what REALLY happened and have you both sign it. That way your butt is provided from any future legal issues.


I know nothings a given, but currently she is fine with me having the house, since I pay the kids tuition. Although she makes above average, she couldn't afford the property taxes in our area, much less the home. Plus, we live in a rehabilitive state, and since her income is over $75k per year, my own retirement funds can't be touched. I did plam to give her about $100k. She doesn't even know how to turn the furnace on, or crank a lawnmower. I've always made sure to help her invest, so she can buy a condo in the state where she grew up, and has relatives who can help.


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