# Help! marriage has become sexless



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Dear all, this is my first post and I am looking for any help or advice I can get.

A bit of back history:
I am 42 and she is now 46 and I am her first husband.
We have been married 15 months.

I met my wife in 2009 and we fell in love. We had a lot of great sex and her appetite was far higher than mine. She needed it all the time, everyday, sometimes twice a day. I was actually intimidated now and then. She told me to brace myself for her, that she is demanding and cannot imagine a relationship without sex. She said "trust me on this, you will never have to worry about sex with me!". I trusted her.

Unfortunately I heard a bit about her earlier life from her and know she has always been very sexually active. I decided to try to deal with this (recall the scene from 4 weddings a funeral with Hugh Grant and Andie MacDowell). 

About a year ago she started to taper off a bit, but not a big deal. Maybe 1-2 times a week with plenty of fooling around.

But from six months ago her libido has fallen off the cliff. It became twice a month, once and month, and now it has been two months since we have been intimate.

Items to consider from her side:
-She is likely heading into menopause
-She was diagnosed with abnormal but safe cell clusters from -HPV almost two years ago. 
-She used to masturbate almost daily but now does not at all.

She has used every excuse as to why we are no longer intimate:
HPV = but she was very active when diagnosed and long after.
Before or after Period = never stopped her before.
Stress = she has always been a little stressed, more in the past.

Why this hurts so much: 

When I met her I learned she was not an emotionally close person (I am) so sex was a way to be intimate. Now I feel we are like roommates.

She won't take any action, see any doctors.

I told her once I can try to lower my own libido through hormonal manipulation (I am a bodybuilder and know this area well). This ended up in a fight where she said if I lower my libido she will find someone else to have sex with. She then capped it off with "I want to have sex, just not with you". 
Needless to say I was enraged and seriously considered a divorce right there. we really haven't had passionate sex since then. This was last Winter.

After I begged for an apology she said she was sorry. She says she didn't mean it, that it was a fight. For me however, a person cannot say those things if they don't feel them somewhere...I cannot forget those words...

When I approach her know she rejects me, sometimes with tones of disgust. When I tell her this hurts me she says I am too sensitive or my timing was bad. Apparently my timing is always bad.

And no she is not cheating on me...we work together and there is very little to no time where we do not know where each other are.

I am a kind, loving guy who wants intimacy with my wife...she tells me she loves me and wants me but how can I believe it?
I want to be close to my wife


----------



## Aristotle (Apr 4, 2012)

Man, that comment about her wanting sex but just not with you may be part of the problem. 

Here is something my radar picked up on, but this is purely speculation. 


You are her first husband, she is 46, and you have only been married 14 months. Prior to you she had a very healthy sex life. That means she probably had a lot of sex with a lot of partners. Even if each of them were short term boyfriends, she lived a lifesyle of "in with the new, out with the old". Every person you meet and bond with gives you that "fog", that great feeling of crush/flirt/date/sex/rinse/wash/repeat/shirtgetsold/garbage. Some of us love our old shirts. 

This is probably the first time in her life that she can't start over. Sex was so good for her because everything was always so new, so different. This is why men get cold feet, they worry about commitment and what will happen if they get tired of this person they love. With your wife, that may be happening. 

Maybe some tam members can help with suggestions on things you could do to get that spark back. Role play maybe? Ask if she wants to pretend you have never met, meet at a location that would be fun for both, and have a one night stand. 

At 14 months I'd usually call this the ole 'bait and switch', but she may honestly be dealing with a lot of issues she has never had before. Her mind may be trying to cope with the idea of keeping the same man, but finding that addictive quality of "new and unknown".


----------



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Aristotle said:


> Man, that comment about her wanting sex but just not with you may be part of the problem.
> 
> Here is something my radar picked up on, but this is purely speculation.
> 
> ...



Thanks.
I do feel that she may have gotten a bit "tired" of me as she was used to the novelty of new lovers all the time. She denies this - but she may be in denial about this herself...

And yes her remark about other men still kills me to this day...


----------



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Anyone else have any advice? I have been really patient and I love my wife, and want to be loved by her but I am starting to feel like a fool...


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Corum,

Since you work with her, I think that the two of you may spend TOO MUCH time together that contributes to this issue of the same ole same ole

Do you each have some outside interests/friends? When not working, do you spend most of your time together or do you spend time apart for hobbies and friends?


----------



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Corum,
> 
> Since you work with her, I think that the two of you may spend TOO MUCH time together that contributes to this issue of the same ole same ole
> 
> Do you each have some outside interests/friends? When not working, do you spend most of your time together or do you spend time apart for hobbies and friends?


I think this may be a factor for her...
I go to the gym 3 nights a week - she goes to a diff. gym.
I encourage her to go out, but most of her friends are out of the country now.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Then you should go out with the guys!

Also, what's the possibility of one of you getting a job somewhere else?


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Corum said:


> I told her once I can try to lower my own libido through hormonal manipulation (I am a bodybuilder and know this area well). This ended up in a fight where she said if I lower my libido she will find someone else to have sex with. She then capped it off with *"I want to have sex, just not with you". *Needless to say I was enraged and seriously considered a divorce right there. we really haven't had passionate sex since then. This was last Winter.


Huge red flag as you surely know. In light of previous love of sex, consider that she is getting this elsewhere. Any unaccounted for time? You mention the gym - are you sure she goes?



> After I begged for an apology she said she was sorry. She says she didn't mean it, that it was a fight. For me however, a person cannot say those things if they don't feel them somewhere...I cannot forget those words...
> 
> When I approach her know she rejects me, sometimes with tones of disgust. *When I tell her this hurts me she says I am too sensitive or my timing was bad.* Apparently my timing is always bad.


Some women are very turned off by their men initiating these types of conversations. So you need to stop doing that. When she rejects you, shrug your shoulders and go do something else. 



> And no she is not cheating on me...we work together and there is very little to no time where we do not know where each other are.


Still think you need to double check on this. Nothing wrong with verifying.



> I am a kind, loving guy who wants intimacy with my wife...she tells me she loves me and wants me but how can I believe it?
> I want to be close to my wife


Couple of places to help you:

1. Check out His Needs Her Needs (google it). Make sure that you are working smart, not just hard, about being a good husband.
2. The Married Mans Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy are good refences to see if you are being too nice to her (that is, being a doormat). Not fool proof, but definitely some things and ideas to consider.
3. Check out the Thermostat thread on this forum. If you are the warm partner, consider turning things down to give her a bit of space. Will help keep you from smothering her and avoid resentment on your end, while also allowing her to do some work in the relationship.


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I know you mentioned it, but don't forget about menopause -- it can really wreak havoc with not only libido, but general mood. She may not wish to go to the doctor for fear of confirmation that she is in menopause -- it's kind of a big deal emotionally for many women.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I know you mentioned it, but don't forget about menopause -- it can really wreak havoc with not only libido, but general mood. She may not wish to go to the doctor for fear of confirmation that she is in menopause -- it's kind of a big deal emotionally for many women.


A great point that I forgot. Get her to a doctor to get checked out. Lots of health problems can cause a drop in libido (though her comment about wanting sex but not with you does not give me hope here).


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This problem makes perfect sense to me. She's simply not marriage material. She's likely a sex addict who was aging and decided she'd better settle down before her looks faded. She's broken which is what drives that addiction. You say she's not emotionally close which is part of her brokenness. Sex was her only way to bond with people. That's not enough to sustain a marriage. Lust never is.

This woman isn't capable of loving anyone not even herself. She might have been use sex for a while to rug sweep the real problem but she couldn't do it for long. It's one thing to sleep with a bunch of different guys but something completely different to be in a monogamous relationship (something she's not capable of doing).

Then you add in menopause to this mix? Dude it's over. Even if she got testesterone it won't fix her obvious emotional issues. Those need to be fixed in therapy and lots of it.

Now the good news is this has NOTHING to do with you. The bad news it's likely not going to get better. She was never IN love with you to start with. Like I said she's not capable of that kind of relationship. Thats why you 'disgust' her now. She wants to run away and never look back.

I'm so sorry.


----------



## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Even as I think about my reply, I realize that it is not at all like any advice or suggestions that I've ever given before. Frankly, I fear that their are multiple forces working against you in this marriage. Just understand that I'm trying to offer a helpful opinion, here.

To a degree, some women have to come to a gradual new wisdom with marriage, something that I think some never survive. Admittedly, many women don't hold these false assumptions that fall by the wayside in marriage. My wife, like some other women, really assumed that love would always be invigorating, feeling just like it is conveyed in a cheesy hollywood romance. Our culture teaches this. She accepted over time that love was something that we both had to work for. We even had to dig our heels in and rebuild it over and over. This new type of love proved to be deeper and more fulfilling. You can't get there without effort, and you see plenty of cases on this site where younger women come and don't see all the opportunities that they have to do something about the "I feel like we are no longer in love" feeling. Not at all suggesting that the men aren't more than half the problem, but I'm talking about the maturity that comes with life, and realizing that the feeling of love just is not going to be handed to you on a platter.

Your wife never had the experience to learn this wisdom. In fact, her past probably included many short term relationships that only cemented her inability to pick up on this maturity. When her baser feelings faded, she ran. Frankly, her love for you ran out of steam, and she has probably designated it as your problem. Its you. Could've been any other man on the face of the planet too, though, if she married him. I think you need to really think about this, and try to divorce yourself as much as possible from the feeling of hurt for her immaturity. It is very, very likely that any other guy would be handed this cruel summary of her desire on the same silver platter that she gave it to you.

The second thing that you have going against you, in my opinion, is that you are constantly pursuing her attention WHILE she is pushing you away. That is the opposite of what you need to do in this situation, in my opinion.

My opinion is that if you want to save this, you have to create a new dynamic in the relationship. Read the material suggested by the others. Look at yourself in the mirror and remind yourself that you have so much to offer. Then go cold. Aloof. Almost like you look at her as though you are trying to figure out why you ever thought that she was marriage material. Start inviting her out to dinner or lunch in places that you've never gone before, but don't be eager about it. The goal is to distance her from your normal routines, because you are building something new. Over time, when she warms up in some little way, like taking your arm, just go for a passionate kiss, but then back off to your former state. The trick, in my opinion, is to begin treating her like a tentative first date, while making her the pursuer of your affection. You only crack and then boldy kiss her when she has done something worthy of it. I think you really have to carry on that first date mentality for a time, then as the weeks pass, progress but keep it to the place where she is pulling you closer, and only rewarded with affection when she is "pulling" you to her. She absolutely has to develop the conviction that she is lucky to have you in your life, just like you know that you are lucky to have her.

Be "disinterested" for a while, while being completely available. Over time, you can just a keep an element of hot/cold in the sexual part of your marriage, while meeting her emotional needs wholeheartedly by being interested in her thoughts and her life.

Food for thought, I hope.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

From what she has told you, does her abrupt change resemble any of her previous relationships? She may have painted herself in a rosey light in past relationships but, you can usually spot a trend if you think about it. 

Her contempt is extraordinary if she is an emotionally healthy person, given that you have had no major conflict beforehand. I thought of a few things for your consideration. Could she have a personality/ pyhchological disorder? There are many good web sites listing the characteristics of the various personality disorders. She if she resembles one of them. 

How does she get along with her relative and friends. Dose she have a history of abuse of any type? 

She may be cheating. Find out by doing some discreet snooping. For you - I think you need a lot of support. Do you have a trusted friend or relative? This sounds like a terrible experience. This may only help marginally but it is not you, something may be up with her. 

I agree with previous posters who suggested that you back away. You don't want anymore hits to your phyche so don't go to her for assurance. I feel you need a plan and some boundaries. My suggestion is to make it clear that you will not accept any more disrespect, or blame period. If you think you want to stay with her then you will need MC. 

My feeling is that there may be personal history that she has not shared with you. Your decision to marry her may have been made on false assumptions. You may love her but to stay may be traumatic. I don't subscribe to "leave the b!tch". I think you can take your time and gather info and determine if there is a chance that your relationship is fixable and if it worth fixing. 

In the mean time, protect yourself financially and psychologically until you decide what is best to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## keeper63 (Mar 22, 2012)

I would suggest you both get into couples counseling and/or sex therapy as soon as you can.

If she refuses to go, do some individual counseling on your own, you may learn things about yourself that will shed light on the situation.

If she refuses to participate in counseling, that in itself tells you a lot.


----------



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks for all the great replies everyone. I want to address some points and see what you have for feedback / opinions.

1) Menopause. She is the right age and her period became irregular back in late 2009. She also has had more colds and actually picked up a little fat around her middle - also indicative of menopause. She says she used to masturbate almost daily, even when we lived together and I was out. Now she hardly ever thinks about sex. She tells me this is proof she does not want other men - she doesn't even masturbate anymore.

2) Relationships. Her longest was 4 years and long distance when she was in her late 20s. He had asked her to get married but she refused for what I think may be valid reasons. She has slept with friends and co-workers. The ones I have heard about are player types. She was a player too.

3) No time to cheat. Seriously.

4) We are in Japan. She is Japanese but does not like Japanese men. 

5) Maybe she is just tired of me. She used to tell me I was sexy and send me sexy messages during the day even though she sits 20 yards away. Not anymore. Now she just says I am cute. Seems a dynamic has changed.

6) We have been to counseling. Once last year with a guy who turned out to be worse than a quack. He called her depressed and put her on zoloft for a month. This killed her libido, but it should be back by now...that was October.
Recently started with a new Japanese woman doc who is well established. She is very good, but her solution is to give my wife time. She has issues from childhood arising from being divorced. My wife became ultra-strong and took care of her younger brother and worked for her family's finances. Doc says she wants to depend on me as a man but is having a hard time shrugging her extreme independence. I told her of the sex life issues but she does not think it is a problem.

7) I am afraid she is just bored of me. She likes to pursue, to chase - as she has told me. There is no chase anymore...we are married she has me. I feel like she loves me, but like family - not a man. Perhaps I need to pull back more. Make her chase a bit. But in the meantime I feel unloved and depressed which only grows as a I wait.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Corum said:


> 7) I am afraid she is just bored of me. She likes to pursue, to chase - as she has told me. There is no chase anymore...we are married she has me. I feel like she loves me, but like family - not a man. Perhaps I need to pull back more. Make her chase a bit. But in the meantime I feel unloved and depressed which only grows as a I wait.


Detach and start the 180 (search these forums). Be aloof and make her earn your affection. It is game playing, but it may be your best shot. Otherwise, not sure what else you can do.


----------



## Corum (Jun 7, 2012)

Well last weekend we managed to have sex again. First time in about 8+ weeks. She actually initiated and it was good but I had a bit of stage fright. Not her fault and she was great about it. I'm very mental about sex and she knows it. That's a whole 'nother issue.

The night before we had a long talk about this issue and she really tried to make me understand it was not me, but more hormonal and stress related. She wishes it wasn't this way and she likes to like sex too. I told her that was fine, but her comment about other men cannot be dismissed -even if it was in the heat of a fight- and that is what makes the whole situation sour. I told her she needs to take (and not forget) responsibility for what she said. 

I told her for my part I have some work to do manning up and being more outgoing/independent/in charge. She likes that and thanked me. She says she loves me and I believe her. 

On another good note I suggested she try some DHEA to combat the decline in hormones she is facing now. She wants her drive back as well, so she is game. A few days into DHEA and she is feeling a bit more sensitive (and her skin looks better) but now she is heading into her period so I have to be patient ;-) .

Oh, and BTW I read Glover's book and joined the NMMNG forum as well.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Corum,
Does the link below represent you?

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html






Corum said:


> Anyone else have any advice? I have been really patient and I love my wife, and want to be loved by her but I am starting to feel like a fool...


----------

