# Wife doesn't want to do anything, but doesn't want me to either



## DioPally (5 mo ago)

I love my wife, more than she can ever know. But something is wrong...
There's so many things going on, but I'll focus on this one, the more recent issue:
My wife doesn't want to do much with me, yet she doesn't want me to much of anything either. Here's example:
Its Friday night, we both worked all week. I'm happy it's the weekend and time to relax a bit, enjoy it. To her, it's just another day.
I ask her if she wants to do anything, No she says. I ask her if she would like to go out for dinner. No she says. If she would like to watch a movie. No she says. If she would like to go out to a movie. No she says. Would she like to go across the street to the pub for a drink, maybe appetizers, and see some friends, hear some music. No she says.
I ask he if there's something/anything she would like to do. No she says. Nothing.
If I stay home with her, she ignores me anyway. She'll sit on the couch with some reality show on, that she's not even watching, and be on her facebook or some social media platform, or playing this shoot up spaceship game, for hours. This goes on and on. But if I say ok, I'm gonna go to pub and play some pool or something, she gets mad. Says I'm pushing her away. How she's second best and my friends are more important than her. She'll post on her social media how her husband picks his friends of over her and what kind of man am I to go to bar and leave her home alone.
So I don't know what to do. I love her. I tell her that every day. I always ask her first if she wants to do anything, at all. I'd never put her second best to anyone.
But at the same time I dont want to sit home being ignored. If we were home and engaged in something, thats fine. I enjoy spending time with her.
But it sadens me to say that I feel more alone when I'm with her that I do when I'm alone...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DioPally said:


> I enjoy spending time with her.


WHY????


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> WHY????


Be cause she is a wonderful person. I love her. But I feel sad for her and how she feels. She seems unhappy. I don't know what happened but we used to enjoy being together all the time. Did so many things together and always enjoyed it. But shes changed and I guess I'm missing how we used to be


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DioPally said:


> I love my wife, more than she can ever know. But something is wrong...
> There's so many things going on, but I'll focus on this one, the more recent issue:
> My wife doesn't want to do much with me, yet she doesn't want me to much of anything either. Here's example:
> Its Friday night, we both worked all week. I'm happy it's the weekend and time to relax a bit, enjoy it. To her, it's just another day.
> ...


Welcome to TAM!

This doesn't sound very healthy...your marriage is going to implode at some point.

Have you tried counseling at all?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

DioPally said:


> Be cause she is a wonderful person. I love her. But I feel sad for her and how she feels. She seems unhappy. I don't know what happened but we used to enjoy being together all the time. Did so many things together and always enjoyed it. But shes changed and I guess I'm missing how we used to be


How old are you and her?
Any kids?
How long have you been married?

Any big life changes recently? Like someone passing away or a job change, moving away, etc?


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Welcome to TAM!
> 
> This doesn't sound very healthy...your marriage is going to implode at some point.
> 
> Have you tried counseling at all?


She doesn't want to go. I do feel she is very depressed.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

DioPally said:


> Be cause she is a wonderful person.... But shes changed and I guess I'm missing how we used to be


It sounds to me like she WAS a wonderful person. She's shut you out and wants nothing to do with you. Then she complains about it on social media. Actually, this sounds extremely immature to me. If there's a problem, shouldn't you both be discussing it? Instead of asking her if she wants to go here or there, why not ask her WHY she doesn't want to go. 

P.S - Your wife has put you in a no-win situation. Nothing "wonderful" about that ....


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Prodigal said:


> P.S - Your wife has put you in a no-win situation. Nothing "wonderful" about that ....


I'm not trying to _win. _But i know what you mean. How she feels is very important to me. And she is wonderful because I know that whatever she is going thru, is not who she is. I feel like I need to be a rock for her until she gets thru this, tho its been about a year now...


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DioPally said:


> Be cause she is a wonderful person. I love her. But I feel sad for her and how she feels. She seems unhappy. I don't know what happened but we used to enjoy being together all the time. Did so many things together and always enjoyed it. But shes changed and I guess I'm missing how we used to be


When did this change occur?
How is your sex life / sexual dynamic?

It sounds like you are very passive in your marriage, letting her set the tone and decide what is an isn’t going to happen. That’s a very ineffective dynamic.

It’s also extremely unattractive. Women respect, and are attracted to, strength, leadership, confidence.
And by allowing her to dictate what you will or won’t do with your time is the opposite of that. You’re tiptoeing around her, so she doesn’t get mad at you and post disparaging things online. That’s passive and weak. It’s a very bad dynamic and it doesn’t appear that she respects you very much.

Stop asking her 78 times if she wants to do something, what she wants to do, etc. etc. etc. Tell her what you want to do (obviously don’t be an idiot, make it something that is generally appealing to everyone). 
Pick one of your mutual favorite places and tell her that’s where you’re going this weekend.
Start leading your marriage.

And if she’s not interested, then you’re going by yourself. Do not let allow her to coerce you into sitting around the house like a sad puppy or pathetic little child. 
She gets first crack at your presence and attention, not sole custody of it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> Be cause she is a wonderful person. I love her. But I feel sad for her and how she feels. She seems unhappy. I don't know what happened but we used to enjoy being together all the time. Did so many things together and always enjoyed it. But shes changed and I guess I'm missing how we used to be


You already said you feel very much alone when you're with her.

So HOW can you say you love spending time with her?

Pick one.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DioPally said:


> I'm not trying to _win. _But i know what you mean. How she feels is very important to me. And she is wonderful because I know that whatever she is going thru, is not who she is. I feel like I need to be a rock for her until she gets thru this, tho its been about a year now...


Wow… 
In order to support her, you need to know what it is that she’s going through and what’s going on. And whatever she’s “going through” doesn’t excuse bad behavior or refusing to be a functional wife.

You need to have some standards and boundaries of what you expect from your marriage and your wife. 
And if she is unwell/unable to operate within basic parameters, you need to deal with that. You get what you tolerate.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

So basically you are a puppet on a leash that follows your masters orders despite the fact she has no intention to actually allow you to have a life. 
Sounds lovely… No wonder you love her so much.


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> When did this change occur?
> How is your sex life / sexual dynamic?
> 
> It sounds like you are very passive in your marriage, letting her set the tone and decide what is an isn’t going to happen. That’s a very ineffective dynamic.
> ...


Answering your questions:
Change occurred about 1-2 years ago.
Sex life maybe 1 time a year, for last 2-3 years
I don't feel I'm passive, as I do still go and play pool or go out even if she doesn't go. My point was that I always check with her first to see if she would like to do something. I still go if she says No.
It's like she's always trying to see the bad in anything I do, even if it's not bad.
We have been together since we were about 16. We are now in your early 50's. 2 kids, 2 grand kids. Been thru hell and back, several times (in life circumstances, no cheating or anything like that).
Maybe she's tired. I just want her to talk to me


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You already said you feel very much alone when you're with her.
> 
> So HOW can you say you love spending time with her?
> 
> Pick one.


I don't have to pick one, both statements are true. Because I do enjoy spending time with her, when we interact. Im saying recently she has lost that enjoyment in spending time together, I have not. I want it more, so thats how i love spending time with her. But when I'm ignored it is a worse feeling than being alone. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me ?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DioPally said:


> Answering your questions:
> Change occurred about 1-2 years ago.
> Sex life maybe 1 time a year, for last 2-3 years
> I don't feel I'm passive, as I do still go and play pool or go out even if she doesn't go. My point was that I always check with her first to see if she would like to do something. I still go if she says No.
> ...


Are you in complete and total denial of your situation?

You have a sexless marriage, with a wife who doesn’t want you, doesn’t desire you, won’t go anywhere with you but doesn’t want you to do anything either.

Yes, you are completely passive and powerless in your marriage.
Sorry to break that to you but that’s the reality. Why would you tolerate a sexless marriage for 2 to 3 years?
This lack of affection and respect?

You don’t have a marriage and the way you’ve been handling things thus far has been a disaster.
I’m not telling you this to be harsh, I’m telling you this so that you can recognize and respect reality and then start taking action to improve your situation


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Wow…
> In order to support her, you need to know what it is that she’s going through and what’s going on. And whatever she’s “going through” doesn’t excuse bad behavior or refusing to be a functional wife.
> 
> You need to have some standards and boundaries of what you expect from your marriage and your wife.
> And if she is unwell/unable to operate within basic parameters, you need to deal with that. You get what you tolerate.


I've always agreed with you deserve what you tolerate, and You are correct. I will have to go to her and try to see if she will open up a bit to me. I truely care about her and want nothing else but to help her, if I can. My fear is that she loves me, but is not in love with me, anymore. Can time do that to someone?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DioPally said:


> I've always agreed with you deserve what you tolerate, and You are correct. I will have to go to her and try to see if she will open up a bit to me. I truely care about her and want nothing else but to help her, if I can. My fear is that she loves me, but is not in love with me, anymore. Can time do that to someone?


Obviously she is not in love with you. That is crystal clear by her actions and attitude.
The question is, are you going to continue to accept that or are you going to do something to improve your situation?


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Mr.Married said:


> So basically you are a puppet on a leash that follows your masters orders despite the fact she has no intention to actually allow you to have a life.
> Sounds lovely… No wonder you love her so much.


Not only is that harsh, it's not true. I still do the things I want to do, even if she dosn't want me to. My point was that she doesn't want to do things.


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> Obviously she is not in love with you. That is crystal clear by her actions and attitude.


And that is my fear.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

DioPally said:


> I love her. I tell her that every day.


Just imagine how much in love you would be if you were married to a woman who loves you, respects you, and wants to spend time with you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What do you love? If you put pen to paper and compare the pros and cons in black and white I think you’ll see this very plainly.
Most people have a problem in making decisions so they just stay.


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> I’m not telling you this to be harsh, I’m telling you this so that you can recognize and respect reality and then start taking action to improve your situation


*I appreciate your honesty*, and yes, I've been in denial.
Where do I start? What do I do?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Does your wife work?


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> Does your wife work?


Yes, she's a very hard worker. And she carries her weight, no complaints there from me at all. She's a superwoman in my eyes


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> I don't have to pick one, both statements are true. Because I do enjoy spending time with her, when we interact. Im saying recently she has lost that enjoyment in spending time together, I have not. I want it more, so thats how i love spending time with her. But when I'm ignored it is a worse feeling than being alone. I don't know if that makes sense, but it does to me ?


If it makes sense to you, that's important to you. What you do need is some perspective I'm guessing. Because what you've described is not the norm - but you must know that.

You need to realize it's not going to get better unless something changes and your attitude is that you can't change your life. But you can.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> Yes, she's a very hard worker. And she carries her weight, no complaints there from me at all. She's a superwoman in my eyes


Superwife?


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Superwife?


if you prefer


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

DioPally said:


> Yes, she's a very hard worker. And she carries her weight, no complaints there from me at all. She's a superwoman in my eyes


Okay, just wondering. She could be depressed but sometimes I think that becomes a catch all excuse for spouses who aren’t kind and loving. The fact that she smears you on social media is also pretty low.

I don’t know if she doesn’t love you - sounds like she doesn’t really enjoy her own life, tbh. She tunes out to watching tv which sometimes, that’s okay… but if it’s all the time, there’s something wrong. You probably should ask her if she wants to stay married anymore because you feel like she doesn’t really seem engaged. If she gets defensive or posts about it on social media, you have to reflect on if you want to spend your life like this.

I think there’s hope if she admits there’s a problem and wants to resolve it but if she refuses to do that, you have to decide if you want to live like this.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> if you prefer


No, I don't care, myself. If you call her a superwife than why are you here?

Whether you're able to even decide what you would like in the M or not is up to you. So far you're acting like she's perfect but you're not happy.

Accept the reality in front of you. Either develop your own hobbies guilt free and live with limited sex life or realize something needs to change.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

DioPally said:


> I love my wife, more than she can ever know. But something is wrong...
> There's so many things going on, but I'll focus on this one, the more recent issue:
> My wife doesn't want to do much with me, yet she doesn't want me to much of anything either. Here's example:
> Its Friday night, we both worked all week. I'm happy it's the weekend and time to relax a bit, enjoy it. To her, it's just another day.
> ...


You should read this to her.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

DioPally said:


> Yes, she's a very hard worker. And she carries her weight, no complaints there from me at all. *She's a superwoman in my eyes*


This is part of the problem. You put her on a pedestal. That always ends badly.
1. Her behavior doesn’t warrant it. 
2. Even if it did, it places her above you and that’s very bad and unattractive. If you treat her like a celebrity, she’ll treat you like a fan.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What you love is the image of your wife in your mind. In reality she isn’t that person. By the tone of your post you sound desperate for her …. That’s the opposite of what will get you results.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess I have known a lot of couples that had this same dynamic going on. It's kind of hard to imagine how they got together in the first place but they did. 

You have to go do what you want to do and not worry about who likes it or who doesn't like it. I know a lot of people don't like going and doing things by themselves but it doesn't bother me and you might have to get used to doing that to a certain extent. 

I think you just need to sit her down and tell her if she doesn't want to go that's fine, but that you are not going to just sit at home the rest of your life and that you want to have an active life. If she starts whining about wanting you to sit around with her and not wanting to go do anything, tell her you will only compromise if she does, but that you are not going to just sit at home doing nothing.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Regardless of anything, the question here is what love has to do with anything, because you keep mentioning how much you love her, but your love for her is not the problem.

She is the problem, whether she loves you or not (doesn't seems like it though) that's for you to find out and figure from there if she's depressed or something, or if it's that she doesn't want anything to do with you anymore. 

The big question is, how long will you continue with the status quo, and what is it that you are going to do (if you're going to do anything other than complaining) to get out of a sexless, unemotional, non caring relationship whether that's her fixing what's wrong with her, or you leaving this completely uneven relationship were your partner is talking crap about you in social media, and you just stay there watching her do it without impunity. If it were me, I would correct on the social media that what's she saying is not true at all. She already aired out your dirty laundry, mind as well dry it. Screw her if she gets pissed, which is what you're supposed to be...pissed as he'll that she's portraying you as the bad guy.

Remember, in the event of a separation/divorce, she will use that to try to bury you in your circle of friends, and even on the court of law. You better get on correcting all that crap.

My goodness, 2-3 years of basically no sex, you are either a low desire dude, or you're too passive for your own good. I just couldn't take that **** for more than a few months. No wonder why your wife has little desire for you. She knows that she can do it, and that's that.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would just add that when there are kids in the mix, just be sure you are giving each other breaks from watching the kids because just because she wants to be at home doing nothing doesn't mean she might not want to break from watching kids. But as long as you're both sharing that responsibility, you should be able to go do things.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> What you love is the image of your wife in your mind. In reality she isn’t that person. By the tone of your post you sound desperate for her …. That’s the opposite of what will get you results.


@DioPally 
Really read this and accept this is a very true description of your attitude. Take it to heart.

If you say but she's a superwoman and great W, again, then just do what she wants, hush, and live your life. It will never change.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Not to keep beating a dead horse here but honestly guys like you that come in here usually have very little chance of success in turning things around. You are so deep into giving yourself away to her that you can’t understand and refuse to believe you are a lot of the problem. Y’all just keep repeating how much y’all love her and just can’t see it any other way.


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## DioPally (5 mo ago)

Thanks for all the insights. I appreciate it. Funny thing is... well, maybe not funny, maybe the sad thing is... I kinda already knew what I needed to do, I just needed someone else to say it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

DioPally said:


> Thanks for all the insights. I appreciate it. Funny thing is... well, maybe not funny, maybe the sad thing is... I kinda already knew what I needed to do, I just needed someone else to say it.


Then do what you must. Probably this might wake her up. Just don't bet on it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> Thanks for all the insights. I appreciate it. Funny thing is... well, maybe not funny, maybe the sad thing is... I kinda already knew what I needed to do, I just needed someone else to say it.


Hang in there. It's not an easy spot you're in. We all have compassion and empathy. It is hard for many to accept their spouse isn't exactly what their mind movies portray.


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## Schek (Jul 2, 2019)

YOU need to go see a Counselor without her to help you sort this out.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

DioPally said:


> Thanks for all the insights. I appreciate it. Funny thing is... well, maybe not funny, maybe the sad thing is... I kinda already knew what I needed to do, I just needed someone else to say it.


Of course you know it…… they ALL know it but just can’t admit it to themselves. Hell at least you got to it quickly. Perhaps there is hope for you yet.

Going forward: Stop giving yourself away to her. Do the things you want to do. Her influence will drag you down if you let it. Be consistent in your new outlook. Back pedal will put you back at square one


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I would just add that when there are kids in the mix, just be sure you are giving each other breaks from watching the kids because just because she wants to be at home doing nothing doesn't mean she might not want to break from watching kids. But as long as you're both sharing that responsibility, you should be able to go do things.


What??

They have adult children who have kids of their own, so...


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

Your wife does sound depressed. If you hadn’t posted that you already have grandchildren, I would’ve guessed trouble was transitioning to “empty nest”.
To me it sounds like she is depressed AND holding resentment towards you and that is why she is posting the negative attitude towards you.

My only advice is to have a discussion about the state of your relationship and how it’s not acceptable and cannot move forward without change. You’re there to help her with whatever she’s going through but you can’t “fix it” for her. Meaning you need to see action from her or the relationship is dead.


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

And when I say you need to see that she is taking action to help herself and help improve the relationship, I mean that you need to have a general timeline in your head that is acceptable to you (but keep it to yourself)


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## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

DioPally said:


> Answering your questions:
> Change occurred about 1-2 years ago.
> Sex life maybe 1 time a year, for last 2-3 years
> I don't feel I'm passive, as I do still go and play pool or go out even if she doesn't go. My point was that I always check with her first to see if she would like to do something. I still go if she says No.
> ...


Wow. God bless your soul 😳


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Of course you know it…… they ALL know it but just can’t admit it to themselves. Hell at least you got to it quickly. Perhaps there is hope for you yet.
> 
> Going forward: Stop giving yourself away to her. Do the things you want to do. Her influence will drag you down if you let it. Be consistent in your new outlook. Back pedal will put you back at square one


The key here is that you need to decide on what you want out of your marriage and your life.
You need to set expectations and boundaries of what you want, and what you will/won’t tolerate from your wife and in your marriage.

And then you need to start acting accordingly. That doesn’t mean get into fights with her.
That doesn’t mean being mean with her, angry with her, argue with her, none of that.

You need to be a fun charming confident attractive man and go live your life.
Be fun and charming, and give her first crack at your attention and company. If she declines or doesn’t reciprocate or respond appropriately, shrug it off and disengage. Go do your own thing.

The point is, if she’s not meeting your expectations, you need to remove your time and attention.
She doesn’t get those things for free. Your time, attention and commitment are earned. 
She’s not entitled to them, especially if she’s not holding up her end of your marital expectations.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DioPally said:


> I love my wife, more than she can ever know. But something is wrong...
> There's so many things going on, but I'll focus on this one, the more recent issue:
> My wife doesn't want to do much with me, yet she doesn't want me to much of anything either. Here's example:
> Its Friday night, we both worked all week. I'm happy it's the weekend and time to relax a bit, enjoy it. To her, it's just another day.
> ...


It seems you have a wife that really doesn't love or value you in any way based on what you've posted here. I'm sorry, but I feel you've let this go on for so long it is likely you can't come back from it. 

If you aren't going to make the call the divorce, then you need to toughen up and not care what she says or posts on SM. Who cares what a woman that doesn't love you or her friends think of you?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DioPally said:


> Answering your questions:
> Change occurred about 1-2 years ago.
> Sex life maybe 1 time a year, for last 2-3 years
> I don't feel I'm passive, as I do still go and play pool or go out even if she doesn't go. My point was that I always check with her first to see if she would like to do something. I still go if she says No.
> ...


Sex once a year. How do YOU feel about that? Did it gradually go down or suddenly stop?
If suddenly stopped, I’d say she had an affair and lost feelings for you and never got them back. If gradual, she may just have hit menopause and due to low hormones she has no interest in sex or life in general and needs to see a doctor. Depression.

Running you down on social media….. no excuse at all in my opinion.

These are just some ideas….


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I have a simple question for you, OP:

If it does not improve, are you willing to end your marriage over this situation?

Please understand that I'm not suggesting divorce...at least, not yet...but I am trying to gauge how important this issue is for you, and how critical it is for you to see improvement. 

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’m curious why you would enjoy being with a woman that won’t spend time doing any activity with you, won’t have sex with you, won’t even allow you to have fun without her……,????

She sounds like a horrid wife, yet you call her a superwoman?

I really think you need to figure out why you’re accepting an unloving, depressed, frigid wife. You love her. You should. But you’re doing her no favors staying with her. According to her social media, you suck, you’re a bad husband, and she’s not happy.

What I’m certain of in your situation is that you can figure this out now, or you can figure it out when your last golden years are spent, and you’ve wasted both yours and your wife’s time.

My advice: Demand she and you go see a doctor, and a therapist. If she refuses, file for divorce and force her hand. These things don’t get solved by griping online, putting one’s head in the sand, and hoping things get better.

It’s odd to me that sex once a year didn’t even make your list abd basically glossed over.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Could she be depressed?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

DioPally said:


> Answering your questions:
> *Change occurred about 1-2 years ago*.
> Sex life maybe 1 time a year, for last 2-3 years
> I don't feel I'm passive, as I do still go and play pool or go out even if she doesn't go. My point was that I always check with her first to see if she would like to do something. I still go if she says No.
> ...


OP, I feel terrible for you being in this position, but I also commend you for not just jumping to end such a long marriage and relationship. I would advise you not to do anything like that without sitting her down and talking to her first. Find out what the issue is - it sounds like clinical depression. Insist, don't just ask, INSIST that she get some treatment.

Her behaviour sounds a lot like clinical depression and if it only started about 2 years ago, could well have been triggered by menopause. That part she can't help.

BUT, she absolutely CAN help how she deals with it. It is not acceptable to just treat you however she pleases, and expect you to just take it. No way. You need to require something of her, that she fesses up and either admits she no longer wants the marriage OR she's feeling depressed and therefore seeks treatment.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Something is really off with your wife. Is she depressed? 

You need to start doing things alone. Not everything. I'm not (yet) suggesting you divorce but on Friday night I think you can go across the street to the pub, see some friends & get a bit to eat, no matter what she does. Of course invite her but don't stay home just because she won't go out. Do bring her home a bite but stop letting her hold you back. Make plans with friends. Invite her. Go even when she won't


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

DioPally said:


> So I don't know what to do.


Go to the pub anyway.

My mom hated my father going out because he likes drinking and shooting pool.

You know what he did?

He went out to the pool hall and drank and shot pool.

He‘s closing in on their 50th anniversary.

These phones are evil. My wife came to bed last night and I was thinking hmm it has been a couple days, maybe she’ll try something. Nope… her stupid ass phone tapping away. Phones and the 24 hour/7 day a week access to information workers are ruinous to society.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

@DioPally this probably started several years ago - you just didn’t take notice until a couple years ago. 

I am in a similar situation but since we still have a minor child in the house for one more school year, my wife is at least trying to make the appearance of a functional marriage and home life and isn’t as overtly resentful and avoidant as your wife.

Since you no longer have minor children to raise, your wife has long since given up on trying to even appear that she has any kind of romantic, sexual or special connection with you. 

i am sorry but if I was your marriage doctor I would declare the time of death at 10:05 PM, April 27th, 2015.

You have basically been Norman Bates living with your corpse of a marriage sitting on the couch while you dress it up and talk to it convincing yourself it is still alive.

Now her body is still alive and she still breathes and walks and talks. And she hasn’t had any reason to move out yet and since you are still helping pay the mortgage and bills and since you have been passive and in denial, you haven’t made life bad enough for her to move out yet.

make no mistake, the close, personal, romantic, sexual, affectionate component of your marriage is long dead. It is a long decayed, rotted out and putrefied corpse of what it once was.

i am sorry for your loss 😞

and it is a true loss. It is no less significant of a death than the physical death of a loved one.

it is something that we truly mourn. We go through the same Kubler-Ross stages of grief like the death of a loved one.

you are currently in a very strong form of denial.

you remember the good ol’ days like they were yesterday and you still see her alive a breathing.

but it wasn’t yesterday. If you really think back and backtrace your steps, you will see that this has actually been going on for years and years. You just didn’t catch the stench of decay coming from the couch with the phone in her hand. 

and you will soon come to see that it cannot be resuscitated. The romantic/sexual/close component of your marriage is dead.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And the reason she doesn’t want you doing anything on your own is even though she doesn’t want anything to do with you, she wants you to continue serving her.

she wants your time, money and energy devoted to her wants and needs.

and she knows if you meet someone else that likes you and desires you and wants to be with you - she will get the boot and will have to pack up and move into an old lady apartment and get a bunch of cats.

but fear not,,, At some point she may actually embrace that idea and want to move out.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> And the reason she doesn’t want you doing anything on your own is even though she doesn’t want anything to do with you, she wants you to continue serving her.
> 
> she wants your time, money and energy devoted to her wants and needs.
> 
> ...


so the first big question you need to ask yourself regardless of whether you ultimately stay or divorce is whether you want to spend the last 20 years of your useful life as her unpaid servant and celibate roommate or do you want to live your own life on your own terms?

you can be a dancing monkey chasing her around hoping you entertain her enough that she drops a quarter in your hat every now and then.

Or you can live your life as your own man.

your choice.


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## Acacia Avenue (Oct 21, 2021)

I didn't bother to read all the replies. Your wife is a functioning depressed woman. You'll have to show extreme patience and compassion and do some soul searching to know how best to deal with your situation. There is no magic solution. Not easy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Acacia Avenue said:


> I didn't bother to read all the replies. Your wife is a functioning depressed woman. You'll have to show extreme patience and compassion and do some soul searching to know how best to deal with your situation. There is no magic solution. Not easy.


Eh, people really aren't fit to be diagnosing from afar. 

Sounds to me like she's addicted to social media and that game she's playing, coupled with a large dose of don't give a **** about husband.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Acacia Avenue said:


> I didn't bother to read all the replies. Your wife is a functioning depressed woman. You'll have to show extreme patience and compassion and do some soul searching to know how best to deal with your situation. There is no magic solution. Not easy.


or it could be that she just doesn’t want to do anything with her husband and she hasn’t picked up anything better to do than play video games and see what other people are eating on social media. 

If she’s doing what she likes to do and is having a good time doing it, she ain’t depressed. 

Just because she doesn’t want to do anything with him doesn’t mean she’s depressed. She may be perfectly happy….. just not when he’s around.


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## Acacia Avenue (Oct 21, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Sounds to me like she's addicted to social media and that game she's playing, coupled with a large dose of don't give a **** about husband.


The actions speak to me like a depressed person and doesn't know how to cope. Her emotions are all over the place and this is she does to subdue her anxiety/depression.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DioPally said:


> I love my wife, more than she can ever know. But something is wrong...
> There's so many things going on, but I'll focus on this one, the more recent issue:
> My wife doesn't want to do much with me, yet she doesn't want me to much of anything either. Here's example:
> Its Friday night, we both worked all week. I'm happy it's the weekend and time to relax a bit, enjoy it. To her, it's just another day.
> ...


You haven't said you've had enough and acknowledged her horrible treatment of you is now too much to bear and you want to change your circumstances. 

Will you cry uncle, and actively start to improve your life despite of all her criticizing you to pieces?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Acacia Avenue said:


> The actions speak to me like a depressed person and doesn't know how to cope. Her emotions are all over the place and this is she does to subdue her anxiety/depression.


Doesn't sound it to me! 

That's pure conjecture. 

And probably incorrect.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

DioPally said:


> But it sadens me to say that I feel more alone when I'm with her that I do when I'm alone...


i missed this line the first time I read this.

If you feel better off when you’re on your own than when you’re with someone, It’s probably time to wish them farewell.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Either way, regardless of whether its depression or just complete apathy to the marriage, OP needs to have a come to Jesus convo with his wife. The situation has to change. Whatever the reason is, being around her will prove to be soul sucking for him, especially if it is depression. They can't go on like this.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

DioPally said:


> How she's second best and my friends are more important than her. She'll post on her social media how her husband picks his friends of over her and what kind of man am I to go to bar and leave her home alone.


For THIS --- it's easy. Respond to her post that you asked her a number of different things to do, and she turned you down. Clearly didn't want to spend time with you, so you went out.....
CORRECT the BS narrative she is trying to tag you with.

And I agree with an above post -- she should NOT be posting your private laundry on social media. That is a crap move.


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