# What to do about "wifes" kids?



## bigbad-ratman (Feb 24, 2010)

So we are a blended family, wife has 2 daughters with different partners, boths are absent from their daughters lives in one way or another. I love both girls and call them my own, and right now am the most active person in their life (I am active duty Navy, but am on shore duty and am home early most of the time). Problem starts whenever I try to talk to wife about problems with "her kids." I will give you the specifics for what happened to tonight.

Her oldest is set to go visit her grandparents during the summer where she gets spoiled rotten and gets literally everything she wants from her loaded grandmother (last summer she sat down with her grandparents and g-moms daughter for $700 meal). Oldest is 15, call her Jane. Jane has responsibilities. I dont doubt that I am strict, but the truth is Jane has a cell phone, martial arts class, a dog, and basically gets everything and gets to do anything she wants, as long as her chores are done. 
Well, this came into conflict when wife told me Jane was gonna be gone for 2 solid months this summer, after I already said I didn;t think this was acceptable. I tried to discuss with wife that I didn't think it acceptable that Jane was gonna be gone for 2 months, with no responsibilities and was still gonna get her phone paid for, I will be taking care of her dog, and her contract for martial arts is still gonna get paid. Wife simply said, "That I am not gonna tell my Dad no." and proceeded to explain that I was too strict, Jane deserves thisif for no other reason that I am a hard case. I love her Dad and knows why she feels the way she does. My wife works very hard 40+ hours a week. I am fixing to go back to sea duty, (in all likely hood Afghan) after the new year; and neither of us has had a vacation since our honey moon (3 years ago), so no I don't feel Jane deserves a vacation. I tried to explain to my wife that I would like to open this up and discuss this further and she proceeded so change the subject and attack me. 

So am I just totally off base? Is it ok to allow young adult to ditch her responsibilities and scoot off with family for 2 months? There is obvisouly alot more to this, but hopefully I have made my point.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Well...its tricky. I see both sides. I don't think she is 'scooting off' to escape her chores in order to get free stuff. I think she wants to go spend the summer with her grandparents. She is still a kid. So I see no problem with her going for an extended visit to visit family - especially if they don't live close by. (If it was a summer camp then it might be a different story) But I understand that you feel that you are paying for things she hasn't earned per your agreement. Sooo, is there things that you can do to take care of the items worrying you? I know you can't get out of the phone contract for 2 months, but can you just not pay for martial arts? Can she take the dog with her? Can she do extra chores to earn money up to cover her 'expenses' while she is gone. Can the grandparents pay for the phone while she is there? Think outside the box and go to your wife with suggestions on how to address the problem other than "Your child is spoiled and doesn't deserve a vacation and she shouldn't get to go". 

PS - the way you say "my wife's children" strikes me as off putting in a way. You married her - they are your children (both of you) - my husband never starts out explaining a story with "well my wife's child" Its always his daughter.


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## NotAllTheirMomma (Mar 5, 2010)

I agree with TNgirl; but as I am in a similar situation of My Other 1/2's Kids I understand why he stated it that way. 
It seems when it is beneficial for your spouse to use you as an adult of responsible means they use it, but when it comes down to issues where the "Kids" feel we are being unfair then we "aren't the parent" so that is frustrating to see/hear/feel.


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