# I get tattooed, he threatens divorce



## abbykat

Been together almost 4 years, Married almost one, and we share a beautiful 2 year old. I had three tattoos and my nipples poerced when we met. He paid for me to get tattooed when we were dating. Now he's threatening divorce cause I got a new tattoo. He says it's his body now an I can't make those kinda desicions without his permission. I told him I disagree and am sorry he feels that way, I got one anyway. He flipped out. It was right before his birthday weekend and I planned a professional message for him. He took off before me and our daughter woke up, ditching out on his massage. Then, on his birthday night, we planned for me to throw a beach BBQ with all our friends for him, he told me he's not gonna show the day before so I canceled everyone. Instead, he had his friend throw a party for him the night prior, which barely anyone showed. Initially, I wasn't invited, but somehow got him to let me come. He left the party early to go to out to the bars by himself, so I got his sister to watch our girl and mt up with him. I bought him a beer, sat across from him and he got up and walked away with it. The next day, his bday, he took off for brunch w/o inviting me and our girl, then text me to say that if I drop my attitude, we can join him, I told him to drop his and he said dont bother comming. I took our girl for a park lunch and he called demandig I drop her off with him or else... I told him repeatedly, I love you, I am commited, lets start fresh and that if he can agree to that, I'll bring her home and we can share his bday together. He didn't like it, but agreed, seething inside. We ended up going to someone elses beach BBQ and then I later went out and bought him dinner. Then today, the next day, he comes home on his luch break and doesn't even look at me. I ask him if he was still mad and not willing to forgive me. He says I just don't get it and then I proceed to ask him if he wants to separate and he says he needs to look into the paperwork before making any final desicions on that. Two days ago, he said he's moving and I can stay or come, knowing I don't want to live in the questionable apartment complex we looked @ together before all this went down. It has always been back and forth from good to bad, according to his moods, but I feel spent! I am ready to live without someone to tell me how I don't do anything right and call me names. He tries to break my spirit all the time and lucky I have been strong enough to keep going, but Im sick of convincing myself that I do a great job, I want to continue to do a good job w/o someone saying otherwise. For gods sake, I've been working part time, going to school full time (straight A's), and doing ALL the household chores, taking care of our two yo, finding sitters when our schedule overlaps(which is often) and yet Im discusting, not smart, disrespectful and selfish, oh and Lazy. How do I end this without losing my daughter to him? Or better yet, how do I get him to treat me right? I love him, but I don't deserve this treatment. Can he ever realize that he isn't right to treat me this way?


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## Rob774

Curious, what & where is the "latest" tatoo? Not that it matters, but if he was a concerned about it being "self depricating" then he might of seen it in a way of trashing yourself, thus he felt so vile towards the notion. Like for example, if you were to have a tramp stamp with an arrow pointing down stating, "Good and Plenty!" Then i can see his issue. 

But if it was a regular tat, then i there is more going on then just tattoos, especially since he has been on board with you getting them since day 1. As you explained further, it did seem like he has some issues going on, and he just choose to make a stand here for some strange reason. He's acting rather childish. Hold your ground, and see if he's open for you guys to seek help together. I'd be wary of any man who wants to ruin his family over something this trivial.


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## frustr8dhubby

Amen to that. What a child. It is YOUR body. I never understood men who would tell their women how they can cut their hair, or how they can dress, etc.

As far as children go, typically the states lean towards the woman side.

All that being said, if you want to work on it, definitely see if he will go get some counseling, this seems quite over the top for something he was OK with prior to your marriage.


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## Mom6547

FORGIVE YOU? It's his body now? Holy crispy crap. Get yourselves into counseling yesterday.


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## Entropy3000

Your situation is different from my realtionship. But it looks like hubby's ideas may have morphed closer to my views now that you are married. There is something more going on. It is relevant what the tatoo was as suggested above. There is more to the story. 

It seems to be more about doing something he does not want you to do and you doing it anyway. Not sure why you did not at least postpone the tatoo until you could talk it through with him. You did it anyway. Single behavior. Folks will claim controlling behavior by him but husbands who stand their ground on anything are sadi to be controlling, whether their behavior is realistic or not.

For me it is about what boundaries of behavior the couple has agreed to. If this situation were to occur in my relationship, it would be very serious. In my relationship neither of us own solely our bodies. We are partners. We have ownership of each other. I am not free to do anything out of the ordinary with my body without coming to agreemnet with my wife. It is reciprical. YMMV. 

I will not tell you guys you are wrong, becasue frankly that is your business. I don't care. That said anyone however telling me that my wife and I are wrong are full of crap. Neither my wife nor I are into tatoos. So this is very much a different deal.
BUT, it would not be alright for 1) either my wife or I on an impulse to get a tatoo and not talk with the other first. 2) even worse would be to get a tatoo after talking woth the other and they had serious problems with it. That shows the priorities of the relationship.

What compicates your situation is that before you were married you were used to getting tatoos as you wished. He was ok with that. In general though behaviors that are ok prior to being married by one spouse or the other may not be viewed as alright after the marriage by the other spouse. Not about right and wrong, it is about what the couple agrees to.

What the tatoo is may be part of the issue. Where the tatoo is could be part of the issue. It may just be that one of the partners did it anyway. Bad idea in my opinion FWIW.

I understand that tatoos are part of a culture and most common these days. My wifes body is beautiful to me. I really do not want her using it as a canvas for tatoos. That does not mean if she really wanted one I would not consider that. I do love her after all. But i am also man enough to tell her I do not want her to do that. If she did it anyway it could end up being a deal breaker. The act itself would be a symptom of bigger issues. The deal breaker wold be the root casue for the action, not the action itself. If one has a problem with the ownership thing they can break that ownership with a divorce anytime.
Is a tatoo really more important? Is the freedom to have sole ownership of your body more important? If so them move on.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

Mom6547 said:


> FORGIVE YOU? It's his body now? Holy crispy crap. Get yourselves into counseling yesterday.


Holy crispy crap - you crack me up!


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## incognitoman

Entropy3000 said:


> Your situation is different from my realtionship. But it looks like hubby's ideas may have morphed closer to my views now that you are married. There is something more going on. It is relevant what the tatoo was as suggested above. There is more to the story.
> 
> It seems to be more about doing something he does not want you to do and you doing it anyway. Not sure why you did not at least postpone the tatoo until you could talk it through with him. You did it anyway. Single behavior. Folks will claim controlling behavior by him but husbands who stand their ground on anything are sadi to be controlling, whether their behavior is realistic or not.
> 
> For me it is about what boundaries of behavior the couple has agreed to. If this situation were to occur in my relationship, it would be very serious. In my relationship neither of us own solely our bodies. We are partners. We have ownership of each other. I am not free to do anything out of the ordinary with my body without coming to agreemnet with my wife. It is reciprical. YMMV.
> 
> I will not tell you guys you are wrong, becasue frankly that is your business. I don't care. That said anyone however telling me that my wife and I are wrong are full of crap. Neither my wife nor I are into tatoos. So this is very much a different deal.
> BUT, it would not be alright for 1) either my wife or I on an impulse to get a tatoo and not talk with the other first. 2) even worse would be to get a tatoo after talking woth the other and they had serious problems with it. That shows the priorities of the relationship.
> 
> What compicates your situation is that before you were married you were used to getting tatoos as you wished. He was ok with that. In general though behaviors that are ok prior to being married by one spouse or the other may not be viewed as alright after the marriage by the other spouse. Not about right and wrong, it is about what the couple agrees to.
> 
> What the tatoo is may be part of the issue. Where the tatoo is could be part of the issue. It may just be that one of the partners did it anyway. Bad idea in my opinion FWIW.
> 
> I understand that tatoos are part of a culture and most common these days. My wifes body is beautiful to me. I really do not want her using it as a canvas for tatoos. That does not mean if she really wanted one I would not consider that. I do love her after all. But i am also man enough to tell her I do not want her to do that. If she did it anyway it could end up being a deal breaker. The act itself would be a symptom of bigger issues. The deal breaker wold be the root casue for the action, not the action itself. If one has a problem with the ownership thing they can break that ownership with a divorce anytime.
> Is a tatoo really more important? Is the freedom to have sole ownership of your body more important? If so them move on.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000

frustr8dhubby said:


> Amen to that. What a child. It is YOUR body. I never understood men who would tell their women how they can cut their hair, or how they can dress, etc.
> 
> As far as children go, typically the states lean towards the woman side.
> 
> All that being said, if you want to work on it, definitely see if he will go get some counseling, this seems quite over the top for something he was OK with prior to your marriage.


He is probably not the issue. A hair cut and a dress are not the same as a tatoo. Oh we are talking a bout a Henna tatoo? Ohhhhhh. That is different. I thought we were talking about the wife altering her body image in a more permanent fashion. You know like a real tatoo or a boob job or something like that.

I think how men react to these things is their business. It is related to their sexual identity as womens actions are related to their's. Just because a given man is more Alpha and not one to become cuckolded or behave as a submissive does not make him by default wrong or controlling. he is behaving in a role some of us think a man should. That does not make other types of men wrong of course. It matters most with how compatible the husband and wife are in their roles.


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## Mom6547

Entropy3000 said:


> He is probably not the issue. A hair cut and a dress are not the same as a tatoo.


"Your body is mine now." That is just WRONG.


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## Entropy3000

Mom6547 said:


> "Your body is mine now." That is just WRONG.


Well this is just what we are hearing from one party. All we ever get. She probably heard this, whether it it is how he said it or not.

He is at least guilty in how he expressed this. This is common in most men that have difficulty in translating their feelings to words. He may or may not have expressed it well.

It was very wrong for her to in a very childish and spiteful manner to do this even though he did not want her to do that.

Lets place our bets. I am thinking this is probably a very hurtful relationship all around. The actions and words are symptoms of bigger issues.

Again women who are hell bent on battling with their husbands to prove their husbands don't own them are not worth messing with in my opinion. Let them go. They will tear your heart out sooner or later and have bigger issue to work out. Let's stop bashing the men who are expecting their wives to commit to their relationship and not behave in a destructful manner.

He has every right to feel this way. He probably just does not know how to express his side. He is obviously very hurt by her.
Quit bashing him. If they were not married I would agree with you. But we will have to agree to disagree. 

Al that said I bet this guy is an @$$hole. But I cannot tell from what has been said so far. He is pissed and has every right. Again you and I will not agree. We should never fall in love or marry one another. I think we are good with that not happening.

Like it or not we as men (many men not all) do see our wives as being ours. Not like a car or a thing. Alpha men are wired this way. It is in our nature. No apology here. I only see a problem if this is not a reciprocal arrangement. One-sided is abusive.


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## Mom6547

Entropy3000 said:


> Well this is just what we are hearing from one party. All we ever get. She probably heard this, whether it it is how he said it or not.


Do you have some particular reason to believe that she is misquoting him?

It is true that we only ever get one person's view. But making up something completely else makes no sense.



> It was very wrong for her to in a very childish and spiteful manner to do this even though he did not want her to do that.


Well unwise at least. But then I am thinking marrying a guy who thinks he owns his wife's body was fairly unwise as well.


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## frustr8dhubby

Right, a wife altering HER body image. I would expect no different if I went out and got a tattoo (which my wife and I do have BTW).

If she had none and out of the blue decided to get one, that might (MIGHT) be a little different story but seeing as how he has been OK with it in the past, it seems a bit ridiculous to me.

But what do I know, apparently I am just one of those men that lets my wife tell me what to do??


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## Entropy3000

Mom6547 said:


> Do you have some particular reason to believe that she is misquoting him?
> 
> It is true that we only ever get one person's view. But making up something completely else makes no sense.
> 
> 
> Well unwise at least. But then I am thinking marrying a guy who thinks he owns his wife's body was fairly unwise as well.


I actually think the idiot said it. For sure she heard it that way. That is my point only. We have to take it at face value. I am suggesting that there may be a communication problem between them no matter how rare that might be.

Unwise / Wrong. A mere trfile in the PC world of not being judgemental. All nuance aside we are in agreemne here.

I think they are on a roller coaster of damaging behavior to each other. I agree we could look at it from either side and both make good points. I admit I purposely took a more contradictory view as the thread started out pretty one-sided.

Ideally / Optimally they could have worked this out in a loving compassionate way. But we see this scenario play out time and again with immature couples. One standing their ground and the other one upping them. A struggle for dominace perhaps. Hurtfull in the way it plays out.


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## rider03

Mom6547 said:


> FORGIVE YOU? It's his body now? Holy crispy crap. Get yourselves into counseling yesterday.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Mom6547

Entropy3000 said:


> This post is nothing but controlling, abusive and less than helpful.


Abusive? May someone be taking themselves a touch too seriously?


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## abbykat

Like I said, I had tattoos new before our marriage purchased by him. They are roses in symbol of our daughter, tasteful none the less. He said he didn't like the idea of me getting more tattoos and I told him sorry he felt that way but it was not his decision being that I this is self representation and he has been aware of my desire to be covered in tattoos before he asked me to marry him and since. If our vows included, and never to get another tattoo, I wouldn't have said I do. We have had communication issues and tend to argue all the time. He truely wants to be "old fashion" in our marriage. But, for him thats just a control issue. He watched his mom and stepmom get abused as a child and they let him get abused my his father and stepfather. He was also sexually abused by a woman for a short time. He admits that he believes women are stupid and insignificant sexx objects. So this is what I have to deal with. He has worked really hard to be a good husband and fath.er, but then he has these underlying issues that ruin it for him. I see him try to fight it, but it's to the point for me that I don';t want to live this way anymore. He leaves when he wants, does what he wants and tells me that if I tell him not to do something, he's just gonna turn around and do it, like when I used to beg him not to go to the bar. He rarely goes out late cause he works early so often. I know he loves me but doesn't know how to love. I know this cause Ive seen him be hurtful to his mom and sister, bringing them to tears, just cause he gets in his "mood". He loves them and still pierces them with words. So now that I am his wife, I get the brunt of his abuse


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## abbykat

really gonna set myself up today, for a gradual seperation


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## incognitoman

frustr8dhubby said:


> Entropy3000,
> 
> OK, let's forget the tattoo. Let's say she gains 10-20 LBS. Now she is affecting her body image too. Should I "let" her do that?
> 
> BTW, I am mainly just playing with you now, I get where you are coming from even if I don't necessarily agree with how you put it.


I think the point is not about changing body image as much as doing something so permanent without _*respect* for his feelings_. 

Weight can change and will change, a tattoo is sort of a big deal. Who knows his reasons for not wanting her to get it, ultimately she can do as she wishes as it really is her body but the fact that she cares so little and decided to act like a 15 year old and just be rebellious with a "It's my body I can do as I want" attitude that is the problem.

I'm not saying he isn't being a chauvinistic jerk but the attitude I read into her comments about going to get the tattoo anyways leads me to believe that she is not open to really listening to what he had to say on it anyways. She makes herself sound like she is completely innocent and we all know that is rarely the case.


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## abbykat

Entropy 3000, you seem to be like my husbands friends, ready to joke about this stuff, and bros before hoes shiz


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## Entropy3000

abbykat said:


> Like I said, I had tattoos new before our marriage purchased by him. They are roses in symbol of our daughter, tasteful none the less. He said he didn't like the idea of me getting more tattoos and *I told him sorry he felt that way but it was not his decision being that I this is self representation and he has been aware of my desire to be covered in tattoos before he asked me to marry him and since. If our vows included, and never to get another tattoo, I wouldn't have said I do.* We have had communication issues and tend to argue all the time. He truely wants to be "old fashion" in our marriage. But, for him thats just a control issue. He watched his mom and stepmom get abused as a child and they let him get abused my his father and stepfather. He was also sexually abused by a woman for a short time. He admits that he believes women are stupid and insignificant sexx objects. So this is what I have to deal with. He has worked really hard to be a good husband and fath.er, but then he has these underlying issues that ruin it for him. I see him try to fight it, but it's to the point for me that I don';t want to live this way anymore. He leaves when he wants, does what he wants and tells me that if I tell him not to do something, he's just gonna turn around and do it, like when I used to beg him not to go to the bar. He rarely goes out late cause he works early so often. I know he loves me but doesn't know how to love. I know this cause Ive seen him be hurtful to his mom and sister, bringing them to tears, just cause he gets in his "mood". He loves them and still pierces them with words. So now that I am his wife, I get the brunt of his abuse


You have validated it all for me. This makes total sense. The old fashioned comments and the controlling. Not just focusing on those words by any means. I have read everything you said. Your feeelings are your feelings and you have a right to them. It may be though these feelings and your husbands feelings clash in a way that is not condusive to you remaining married.

But I will highlight the most telling piece at least to me.

I do see this as being a bait and switch on his part. Or at least a real gap in communication.

Even taking your side here, the fact you just plunged ahead anyway does concern me. Not trying to be mean. I think if this is truly the case then the decsion is in his hands. If it was not clear to him before he should now see where he fits in priorities. I am not judging you. But he is not your top priority.


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## incognitoman

Entropy3000 said:


> You have validated it all for me. This makes total sense. The old fashioned comments and the controlling. Not just focusing on those words by any means. I have read everything you said. Your feeelings are your feelings and you have a right to them. It may be though these feelings and your husbands feelings clash in a way that is not condusive to you remaining married.
> 
> But I will highlight the most telling piece at least to me.
> 
> I do see this as being a bait and switch on his part. Or at least a real gap in communication.
> 
> Even taking your side here, the fact you just plunged ahead anyway does concern me. Not trying to be mean. I think if this is truly the case then the decsion is in his hands. If it was not clear to him before he should now see where he fits in priorities. I am not judging you. But he is not your top priority.


:iagree:


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## Entropy3000

abbykat said:


> Entropy 3000, you seem to be like my husbands friends, ready to joke about this stuff, and bros before hoes shiz


Nope. Not so. I am a very compassionate person. This board is full of men though whose situations make me want to lose my lunch. I have come to the conclusion that many are just very submissive. They get dumped by their wives for not manning up.

I will often play devils advocate. I do see a trend these days where it is all about men bashing. The controlling word comes out. I need my space and so on. But from your explanation you both have been disrespectful and controlling to each other. Don't think it is not controlling to go get a tatoo when your spouse asks you not too, or even as in your case tells you not to. It is hurful all the way around.

Too often whether it be tatoos, boob jobs or girls night out or whatever it is just girls behaving badly. It is justified by saying but men have been behaving badly. Men are asked to give their women space and stop controlling them. Those folks have little understanding for how men and women are wired and why in the grander scheme. It is a big topic.

That said IMHO your situation is certainly toxic.

I very much will support bros if their wives behave as hoes. Even if it is not socially acceptable to do so. Why? Idunno. maybe I have too much testosterone to care. Just to be real clear I don;t think you are behaving like a ho. not from what has been said.


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## abbykat

not much more to say on this one


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## Mom6547

You've got two issues, seems to me.

- If you were trying to set a personal boundary, you probably could have done it with more consideration.

- Sounds like you and he have different base assumptions of marriage.


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## Runs like Dog

We didn't hear what the tat was. Maybe it was a picture of her husband with the lettering "F#[email protected] Die"


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## Entropy3000

Runs like Dog said:


> We didn't hear what the tat was. Maybe it was a picture of her husband with the lettering "F#[email protected] Die"


This is a great idea for another thread.

"My nightmare tatoo my wife comes home with."


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## Runs like Dog

Frankly I'd understand indifference more than hostility. Hostility is an indication that he believes you are chattel property he owns. Do you feel like property? Is it some kind of stern religious objection?


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## Amplexor

This thread has been pruned for hyjacking. If your post is gone, it was considered part of the jack. Please address the OP and move the banter to its own thread. Thanks.


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## Entropy3000

Mom6547 said:


> You've got two issues, seems to me.
> 
> - If you were trying to set a personal boundary, you probably could have done it with more consideration.
> 
> - Sounds like you and he have different base assumptions of marriage.


Ok, so this is it. :iagree:


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## Syrum

I think the biggest issue is his abusive behaviour towards you. You stated in the first port that he calls you names and puts you down. I think you need to seek counseling.

If he wasn't abusive and it was just the tattoo issue alone, I would say you should all ways keep in mind your husbands preferences and not make any changes without consulting him.


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## Mrs.G

abbykat said:


> Like I said, I had tattoos new before our marriage purchased by him. They are roses in symbol of our daughter, tasteful none the less. He said he didn't like the idea of me getting more tattoos and I told him sorry he felt that way but it was not his decision being that I this is self representation and he has been aware of my desire to be covered in tattoos before he asked me to marry him and since. If our vows included, and never to get another tattoo, I wouldn't have said I do. If he told you that he didn't like you to have more tattoos before you got another one, it would not have hurt you to take his needs into account. Husbands and wives should try to look attractive for each other. After all, you are the ones that have to look at each other. Why is being covered in tattoos more important than your marriage? :scratchhead: Can't you define yourself another way?
> 
> 
> We have had communication issues and tend to argue all the time. He truely wants to be "old fashion" in our marriage. But, for him thats just a control issue. He watched his mom and stepmom get abused as a child and they let him get abused my his father and stepfather. He was also sexually abused by a woman for a short time. He admits that he believes women are stupid and insignificant sexx objects. So this is what I have to deal with. He has worked really hard to be a good husband and fath.er, but then he has these underlying issues that ruin it for him. My husband is old fashioned too, though he would never admit it. He thinks that wives should not dress in a sleazy manner and husbands should consult their wives on the best styles for them. Mr.G also believes that a real man provides for his family.
> 
> Your husband definately needs therapy for the sexual abuse! I am worried about his views on women; they are warped by what he has witnessed. My views are also skewed; I see all men as cheating dogs because that is what I grew up seeing constantly.
> 
> 
> I see him try to fight it, but it's to the point for me that I don';t want to live this way anymore. He leaves when he wants, does what he wants and tells me that if I tell him not to do something, he's just gonna turn around and do it, like when I used to beg him not to go to the bar. He rarely goes out late cause he works early so often. I know he loves me but doesn't know how to love. I know this cause Ive seen him be hurtful to his mom and sister, bringing them to tears, just cause he gets in his "mood". He loves them and still pierces them with words. So now that I am his wife, I get the brunt of his abuse[You are in an emotionally abusive relationship. If he makes no effort to change, it is best for you to leave. Find someone who is non traditional. /QUOTE]


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## Trenton

Your husband does sound selfish and childish with his response but I am actually with Entropy on this one. I believe a marriage is a partnership and joint ownership of each other is part of that partnership.

Having said that, my husband would never react as your husband did. His reaction would be to voice his opinion and dislike knowing I didn't respect his feelings enough to take them in consideration.

I currently am debating a breast reduction and I'm waiting on insurance approval. I'm stuck because I really would like to feel lighter and not deal with all the issues but I know my husband doesn't want it to happen. Of course, in the end, he said to me that he knew he couldn't understand what it's like to have such large breasts and would support me either way. 

So I guess that the thing is, you have to value his opinion more & discuss with him things/needs/wants before you take action so that he feels as if his opinion is important and heard. Whether or not you move forward to get a tattoo after he says he prefers you don't is up to you but if he voices he doesn't want you to and you do it anyway without him knowing I think it makes sense that he is defensive and upset.

What he really wants to know is why you care so little about him and exclude him from big decisions, undermining the partnership.


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## Runs like Dog

I guess I can't really comment. I don't get it. Anything that makes your partner feel better about his or her own body, you should be cheering from the rooftops.


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## Trenton

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess I can't really comment. I don't get it. Anything that makes your partner feel better about his or her own body, you should be cheering from the rooftops.


Fear of change, a different dynamic possibly? I think eventually all partners get to that point of cheering and support (if they're good partners) but I think the person doing the change should expect and be willing to give that adjustment period as well and be open to compromise, questions and the like. I mean, doesn't any partner care about what the other partner thinks if they are in love with them?


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## abbykat

So... a month or so later, he's forgotten about the tattoo! Doesn't even make mention of it, still finds me attractive, knows I want more and still doesn't want me to get more. He told me that if i make a conscientious effort to show him more appreciation, he will treat me better, and said that if it doesn't work he'll consider marriage counseling. Well, we move into a cheaper place and so he is willing to be more of a financial support because of it, now one month later, the excitement of the new place is over and he's back to punishing me for not getting his way. He was gonna leave me with his truck that has no brakes/ or the moped, (while I have my daughter to take to day care so I can go to work) because he doesnt want to take his moped to work. He wants to take my car. I forced him by standing in his way, to take his moped and he was pissed, said he wasnt gonna come home. How do you leave your wife stranded @home, even yet, how do you tell your wife to drive our baby in a truck with bad brakes? Now Im being punished??? Cause he didnt get to take my car to work. F*** this s*** I am not gonna deal with this, I found out all I needed about how to file for a separation/divorce, but before I do that, I made an appointment with the pastor @ our church to have a counseling meeting. He works @ the church too, so, its not like seeing a therapist, this person is personally invested in us and is his boss, so he can't just say no, he's not gonna get help, he will have to sit down and come to some conclusion before we call it quits.


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## RandomDude

> He says it's his body now an I can't make those kinda desicions without his permission.


Whoa... now that's a little authoritarian...


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## CoffeeTime

None of this is truly about a tattoo! The tattoo is just a front.


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## abbykat

Today we had lunch with the pastor and made an appointment for tomorrow. My husband says to him that I am not putting any effort in our marriage. Am I really not working hard at it? Maybe tomorrow I should ask what I should do more? I feel like if I give in all the time, then he takes advantage of me. I stand my ground firmly if it is a matter I believe strongly about. I know he has taken advantage of his ex's, cause I am friends with one of them and heard stories about the other ones. He tends to be a bully toward all the women close to him, but especially more to his partner. How do I find a balance in all of this? Can I find a balance?


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## turnera

Not without professional help. Neither one of you deals with issues very well. You both go into them determined to win and apparently not caring about the other person. Either get REAL professional help (sorry, but church employees are not trained well enough unless they have a psycology counseling degree) or just separate.


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## sexuallyfustrated

Runs like Dog said:


> We didn't hear what the tat was. Maybe it was a picture of her husband with the lettering "F#[email protected] Die"


I think she said it was Roses to represent of in hounor of their daughter


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## sexuallyfustrated

Runs like Dog said:


> I guess I can't really comment. I don't get it. Anything that makes your partner feel better about his or her own body, you should be cheering from the rooftops.


:iagree::iagree: As long as in does cause physical, mental or emotional damage to the marriage the :iagree::iagree::iagree:.

This tattto doesn't seem as it did either one.


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## sexuallyfustrated

While I would agree with consulting your spouse on certain things before making a permanet desicion on somethings. I DO NOT BELIEVE that you need their PERMISSION on them. That with said what was done was done and it could have been handled differently by both parties. That aside the man is clearly controlling and have no respect for women so it doesn't matter what she does or does not do he will simple see her as she said a sex object and some one to do his biding. My husand has a cousin like that. It took me standing my ground many time with this man trying to controll y household when he would come around or call (he would call and when I aswer he would just say: (PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.) i would continuely hang up untill he got it right then I would give my husband the phone. I had to make him respect me. Now he still has a sour view of women (learnt from his father) but when it comes to me he acts accordingly. I have been in this family for 18yrs and it took a while but the only other choice he had was to stay away from me and my house.

You deserve respect even if you got a tatoo he didn't like he had no right to treat you like that. All I can say is this: YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER if he would say those things to you he may just say them to her. Not a good situation to be in. Good luck.


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## bab123

Wasn't crazy about the "joint ownership" comment. No one OWNS anybody. Even in marriage.


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## turnera

I know many men who would disagree with you.

That said, when you marry, you make a vow to work to keep the other person happy. Attractiveness is a legitimate Emotional Need, and if tattoos make you unattractive to your spouse, you owe them at least consideration of what you are doing to your body.


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## Entropy3000

bab123 said:


> Wasn't crazy about the "joint ownership" comment. No one OWNS anybody. Even in marriage.


It works for my wife and I. It is not own like a thing or a slave. It is a love thing. I think folks who are having problems in their marriage might be sensitive to this concept however. Others just don;t get the concept. That does not mean it does not work for other folks.

So neither of us would make a major decison about our bodies or health without talking with each other. We are happy with this. It goes both ways.

It is worth considering also just jow deep a committment one has in marriages. For some folks it is viewed almost like just their latest spouse or BF / GF. They do not see it as a lifetime thing. Maybe they are really big into staying almost single in their life. That is fine for them.

I flat would not accept being married to someone who felt they could do anything they wanted like this without discussing it. It is where you establish your boundaries. I would not be attracted to a woman who thought this was controlling and she would not be attracted to me. So it would not be an issue. In this case she thought the tatoo was more important than her marriage.


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## turnera

I have a friend who didn't marry until her 40s. No one could stack up to her dad. She finally caved a little, and married a guy who seemed nice enough. But she'd lived all her life with her parents, and when the dad died, the husband never stepped in to take over the man role. She told me years later that she was just oh so sad that all she ever wanted was a man to 'take care of her,' meaning to step up and do what needs to be done. He didn't. She had to. They're still together, but there's a sadness in her.


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