# I don't trust my husband, or am I paranoid??



## mrsgump (May 10, 2011)

Hello

(apologies in advance - I am using this as an opportunity to babble and get things off my chest!)

My husband and I are both 28, we met about 4 years ago and have been married for about 2.5 years.

We don't go out drinking together although I'd like to. He tends to go out with his friends and I'll go out with mine, although I always invite him to join me. I never used to go to clubs without him until he started doing it without me. I was really upset but if he insists on going without me then why shouldn't I go with my friends?? (still rare)

There have been a few times in the past where he'll go out and won't answer my calls and will come home at 5am or 10am even. This is rare and it really upsets me. The first time I was in tears because I had no idea what happened to him. Funnily enough he called me straightaway after I called one of his friends at about 8am, who must've called him. He came up with some story about his phone was in his jacket which he'd left in his friend's car... but I don't feel like I have the whole truth... I don't understand how he can go out for so long and not think to let me know.

On fri night last week, he went out to meet a friend at 10.30pm and said they would just be driving around and he'd be back by 1am. I told him it's fine if he wants to go out drinking or whatever, as it was already late when he was leaving. He insisted he'd be back by 1am. He didn't which was fine, and I called him at about 2am. He was outside somewhere and said he was just buying some cigarettes and his phone battery was low. I wasn't very happy, he didn't say when he was coming back or that his plans changed. he called me at 4 and I asked him how he had battery on his phone, he said that he'd been back to his friend's house and charged his phone, but his friend was too drunk to drop him back home as planned.

So there were some things that don't add for me. He said they went to a bar briefly for a couple of drinks. It was his friend's friend's bar and there was karaoke, but he maintains he didn't spend any money and only drank beers his friend had at home. But I checked his phone (because I thought his story sounded a bit funny) and there was a text from a different friend saying 'I'm on the 3rd floor near the dj' at about 11.45pm. Sounds like a club to me! When I spoke to him at 2 am, he didn't answer straight away, he only answered when I called the 2nd time - perhaps time to get out and to somewhere quiet? And also he went out to buy cigarettes just before he went out to meet his friends, so he wouldn't need to buy cigarettes again at 2am? AND why would his friend be too drunk to drive if they were just driving around??

He came back at 5am so we didn't really get a chance to talk about it. The next day I hung out with my friend and we decided to go out for dinner and a drink/dance. I asked hubby to come, he said no. After dinner I called again and said he's welcome to join us, he specifically said he's not coming. But at 11.30pm, he showed up! I was happy to see him, but my friend said it's weird that he came without telling me, does he have a guilty conscience? I also felt like he was checking up on me, but I didn't mind as I wasn't doing anything wrong. He said he'd been to see his friend who lives nearby so wanted to pop in, but he was in a miserable mood and not really fun.

The next day, I wanted to discuss things calmly so I said it's nice that you came, I thought it was a bit weird you didn't tell me you were coming, I felt like he was testing me. He got really annoyed and said if i think like that I obviously must get up to stuff with my friends when I go out with them (I don't). I tried to ask him more details about his night out on fri to catch him out, but he realised I was giving him the third degree and got really defensive.

I worry because I don't know what he gets up to when he goes out, and when he lies about where he goes it makes me more suspicious about what else he does. In the past he used to come home from work at 8am - he was working in a restaurant/bar that closed at 3am and insisted he had to stay late until 6/7am to work and that's why he'd come home late (it didn't make sense to me). I guessed he'd be drinking and he'd say after all the work was done, they had a few free drinks at the bar before he came home. It transpired months later when we'd been out drinking for our 2 year anniversary and he was drunk, that he used to drink SOOOOO much every night after work. From 4am onwards they would just drink. One night he'd come home vomiting and he insisted he drank 4 weird foreign beers. I told him he can tell me if he'd drunk something else, but he insisted. On this drunken anniversary night he went on to say how he'd drunk SOOOO many spirits that night he'd come home sick. So he outright lied basically, on several occasions, about drinking heavily after work. It was our anniversary night, we ended up arguing, and months later we still haven't talked about it properly. So I know he does lie about drinking and what he does.

Also, if he was checking up on me on Sat night, does he have a guilty conscience? I hope everything I've said so far sounds a bit fishy to everyone - because I do have a reason for being paranoid on top of this. Two weeks after our wedding I found out that he cheated on me while we were engaged. I was devestated but decided to give him a chance as we were already married. It took me 1.5 years of our 2 yr marriage to get over the cheating. Although I've finally accepted that he did it, I think the lying still remains on a separate issue. When I found out, he denied and lied about everything. But I only found out because he had a guilty conscience - he started snooping around my facebook and found nothing. I thought it was rude so when I saw the chance on the same night I snooped around his hotmail account - and found all these emails he'd been sending to a girl, including photos of him... long story short, he'd slept with her while we were engaged and long distance.

I don't feel like I'm paranoid about his lying because he cheated - I feel that genuinely sometimes his stories don't add up and I know that he has lied about his drinking and whereabouts separate to the cheating. I've explained to him a dozen times about why he should tell me the truth about this stupid stuff and he just doesn't get it.

I'm not accusing him of sleeping with anyone, but there's plenty of other stuff he could be doing if he goes to clubs without me...

We have other issues to, mainly his finances! I'm always covering him because he runs out of money. On sat night when he came out with me, he was only buying himself drinks but actually spent every last penny so I had to buy his last drink when he couldn't pay for it at the bar!! That is another story though...

basically we do love each other a lot, we kind of got through the cheating thing with a lot of tears... but I'm not sure I can handle being with someone I don't fully trust when I know he has been capable of cheating in the past. I am trying!! 

I don't really know what kind of advice I'm looking for, I just don't really know if I'm right to be suspicious or what I should do about the lying or with myself...


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

It sounds as though there is way too much alcohol involved in your marriage. Therefore, it's hard to tell if all the problems are because of the alcohol use or the problems are independent of the drinking. He is going out with his friends drinking and you are out drinking with your friends. What do you do together? 

I seriously doubt you are paranoid. Cheaters lie, but not all liars are cheaters. You know your husband lies, so which group does he belong in? He has proven to be a cheater in the past. It's up to your husband to rebuild your trust. He's not doing that--he's continuing to lie. You don't trust him. And without trust a healthy marriage can not exist.

Your marriage is in a downward spiral. You and your husband probably need to seek professional help.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Yep... I don't think you are being paraniod. Try to communicate as much as you both can before there are problems.
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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

check the cell phone records .
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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

Dissssssssssss.......

kinda rhymes with "hissssssssss......"

comprende? no? ok. its *DISRESPECT!*

a seldom acknowledged but very powerful component of any
relationship. Disssssed usually leads to Pissssssed which in 
turn leads to Misssssssed which esculates to BOTH MIStrust
and MISSed, as in gone/cya/bye-bye birdie/etc, eventually if
u r not a complete doormat or malformed dependent type 
couple/person.

sure there are some couples still "together" in spite of these
toxic components but, one can easily argue/say they dont
REALLY have a marriage (by proper definition of one).

Ouch! i know.

i skimmed yer long post. read too many of the same 'round
here (sorry). seen it all before so the specifics dont usually
matter all that much. He Disssssessss you, maybe even b4
u were even marr'd (?). but as a marr'd now u have legal 
rights. in yer case, if its exactly as u say it is with him, i can
see why there are some more Ms Babbits out there awaiting 
"their day or coming out party" so to speak. Ouch again.

u write that u both "basically still love one another..." oh how
many times we have to read that verbage around here:lol:

poor thing.

come to yer senses girl. u either have a (somewhat) rotten
apple that needs to be trashed or, u have spiritual warfare 
going on with him (& with u, a diff kind?) that u need to read
up/study on how and with whom (Jesus!) to battle it all.

or if u r comfy with this existence of yers, u can always play
out the never-ending daily drama of hmmmm, lets say......
the song for today which says it best (in all its melancholy
splendor...):
YouTube - Gordon Lightfoot " If You Could Read My Mind" - Lyrics

or....one with alot more hope:
YouTube - Josh Wilson ~ Before the Morning

which one u choose (prefer) says alot about u &/or yer 
situation.

shalom yeladem.


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## mrsgump (May 10, 2011)

My husband works in a restaurant so came home after I went to bed. I woke up to find he drank so much that he puked in our living room and wiped it up with a blanket :scratchhead:

We still haven't been talking to each other for a few days - I'm ready to but he's upset and moody and doesn't want to talk to me. I think he's a lot more upset than I realise... not really sure what to do.

I think he does have a drinking problem, he definitely drinks a lot more than he needs to and this is probably the 4th time in the past year that he has been sick from drinking too much - that I know of. But I don't think he is an 'alcoholic', he's not missing work or drinking excessively every day.

He'd talked about having some time off from each other... I'm tempted to go and stay with a friend for a few days... but we do need to talk about this at some point.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Why would he want time off from you, what does your gut say? Why must you move , why not him ? its your home as well.Moving out for a few days does not solve the problem , either he is up to something, he is drinking above his body limits or you have a fundamental problem in your marriage. 

If you do take a break and move out do so with the intention of staying out untill there is a change . Don't do things in half measures.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

^^^ this is the best advice you have gotten please follow it. ^^^
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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Does the staying out only happen when he is drinking tons? 

It sounds like he may have an alcohol problem. 

I agree w/ Eli--you shouldn't be the one to move out.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

uhmmmm.......

google "alcoholism" or some variety of same. then dont deny
the results u'll find/read up on. yer H is an alchie!

also, if i were u i'd tell him to find another L.R. carpet to puke
up on, as yer cleanup days are over.

for it sounds/seems to me that u r enabling the guy with yer
denial type behavior/communications.

shalom........(eventually).


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## kookygill (Mar 6, 2011)

cb45 said:


> uhmmmm.......
> 
> google "alcoholism" or some variety of same. then dont deny
> the results u'll find/read up on. yer H is an alchie!
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kookygill (Mar 6, 2011)

Living with suspision will tear you apart! You will become paranoid and over annalyze everything! He sounds like a bit of a fool.you should be a team and share everything.So what if he drinks after work!why lie about it? He is sneaky ....put your foot down! X
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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy crap, he sounds like my ex husband!!! Do you guys have any kids? My ex used to say he was going out to get smokes and come home 24 hours later. I finally left after years of his BS. I also found out years later he was regularly cheating on me. If I'd opened my eyes and stood up for myself earlier, I wouldn't have wasted so much time on him.

I would venture that he's picking girls up at the bars and taking them to some friends place. He probably doesn't go out with the intent to do this (or maybe he does) but once he gets a few in him his inhibitions fly away and he's into it.

Anyway, it sounds like he has other problems. Do you care if he's cheating, or are you ready to just call it quits?


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