# Where exactly does anger fit in recovery ?



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Even after 18mths l still don't get the anger thing.

On one hand you have the 180 telling you to basically pretend to be up no matter what, cover , appear bright and happy even if it kills you .
Yet on the other you read stuff everywhere with people telling someone to use anger, allow yourself to feel anger, it's ok to feel angry.

Well l still feel anger but l never show or let it out and all this time l've understood as the 180 thing to sorta chin up and soldier on no matter what type thing .
Sometimes it still kills me to be nice to ex .


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## movealong (Aug 9, 2013)

Anger can be good or bad. Good if it helps motivate you to move on and be better, bad if it stalls you in your recovery.

Either way, anger should cycle down until it is just a "once in a while" feeling rather than a "every damn day" thing. If you are stick on anger, perhaps you need to examine where it is coming from?

Anger at her? For what? Why does it make you angry? Does it touch on a feeling of self confidence such as self anger at making a choice to love someone that screwed you over? Are you angry at yourself for allowing ANY feeling towards her? 

If any of those are close, then you're holding on to something that is long gone. Some people say you need to forgive the other person, but I believe forgiveness starts with self. In my case, I had to forgive myself before I could forgive my STBXW. My feelings of rejection, making a choice to love someone that refused to work on the marriage, and for her breaking up our family had to start with forgiving myself for being human and giving love to someone that threw it away.

Examine where the anger is coming from, then find a way to forgive so that it doesn't continue to eat you from the inside.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whitehawk, there's probably not a single right answer here since all situations are different but I think anger is one of the most motivating emotions. It takes you (figuratively) out of the "victim" mindset and into the "I deserve better" mindset. Or sometimes into the "I should have acted/reacted differently" mindset. In short, anger is an empowering emotion IMO.

That being said, anger doesn't have to be seen by those around us for it to be helpful. It can be an introspective.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

I don't think hiding the anger, or anything, from yourself is a good idea. Choosing what you show others or not is a completely different matter.



I swallow anger and sometimes turn it inward on myself. Not a good practice.



On my profile page, I have a link to a movie excerpt that says something about anger I need to keep in mind (the "needing to feel like this first" link). I think it echoes/illustrates the mind shift Thundarr speaks of.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

l've sorta gotta read these a bit to try to get a better handle on things first but.

l can say though l'm still that damn angry at her for not thinking of my daughter , and everything we had to and fighting for her family.

And then everything this does to my daughter , her childhood , her stability bc we'd moved 6 times before here and had just bought a home which she was meant to grow up in finally .
And this bs part time dad thing , the way to my daughter will live with this 1/2 a family at each end thing now , never a whole family just because she quit .
And the way ex just blows all this stuff off , oh she's coping well , she's fine , bla bla .
like hell she is , we go through things still and earlier was much much worse and so sad for my d .
We have beautiful times but it's just sad and stupid to put her through.
And now she spends the rest of her child hood living in two homes twice a wk and with god knows who around at ex's end .

lt's all along this stuff that is still making my blood boil .


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## dadof2 (May 9, 2014)

whitehawk said:


> l've sorta gotta read these a bit to try to get a better handle on things first but.
> 
> l can say though l'm still that damn angry at her for not thinking of my daughter , and everything we had to and fighting for her family.
> 
> ...


I'm exactly where you are at Hawk. My STBX made the decision to step out of our marriage and begin her EA which led to PA. She asked for a separation and said we would continue counseling, have family nights, go on dates etc. One week after she moved out she closed all bank accounts with both of our names, got a new phone, and signed a 12 month lease on an apartment. She said she felt smothered and did not want to talk to me anymore. She has filed for D even though she hasn't told me.

I am so mad at her for not even trying. She hasn't done the first thing to work on our marriage and we have been living apart for a month. I am in IC, reading several books and enjoying the time I get with our kids (50%). All the while she is out doing whatever she wants, and her mom says she is finally "beginning to feel happy with herself." It makes me sick. She has told her parents that I am abusive and she is scared of me. First time that has ever came up in 5 years of marriage. But they believe it and have no idea how serious she is with OM. I want to tell her parents what she is up to but it will just play into her hand of me being "crazy."

I'm just like you- I'm trying to put on a happy face, but I have a lot of anger towards her. Mostly for not even trying and splitting up our family forever. I will only see my kids 1/2 the time and they will have 2 families, poor things don't know if they are coming or going right now with all the swapping houses. They are 3 and 2. I am mad at her because whatever dbag BF she brings over, whether it is OM or the next one- will be tucking my children in at night. It is not fair man, I have been busting my tail for a month trying to make this work with No Contact whatsoever, and she is just content to move on and start banging OM. Yes I am angry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Sorry to hear that D . 18mths for me but if l let myself l'd remember those first mths way too clearly.
l feel like volunteering for shock treatment so it's just gone . 
l don't understand this just quitting thing, l never will. Fight first , make stand for at least a few yrs , no good , then maybe yeah but not just quitting .

Mine gets all the family thing to on her side. l don't know what she's told them right through , l hate to think. But we weren't close anyway and l know l won't have a leg to stand on so l steer clear of them , to hell with it.
How does family not try to steer them , help them , put their family back together, l don't know . Selfish, blind .

l wish l could offer a way of getting those thoughts out of your head with the kids , nothings worked though for me. Just that pathetic happy face has been the only thing that's stopped me boiling over though , so maybe there is something in it.

l can say one maybe feel good thing though , it is a long way off for you yet but none the less.
l'm seeing a girl now , she's small and very petite . Well l'm over seeing my d the other night and noticed ex is about twice the size now than she was when she left 
Now that's karma :smthumbup:


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

whitehawk said:


> Sorry to hear that D . 18mths for me but if l let myself l'd remember those first mths way too clearly.
> l feel like volunteering for shock treatment so it's just gone .
> l don't understand this just quitting thing, l never will. Fight first , make stand for at least a few yrs , no good , then maybe yeah but not just quitting .
> 
> ...


Relationships and betrayals come in many varieties so it makes sense that some takes years to let go, others take months, and others take minutes. It's all related to the person, the other person, and the circumstances. I remember waking up about 2 months into our separation with clarity that my ex wasn't the person I made her to be in my mind. Her redeeming qualities were mostly fiction.

And karma? The BS gets their ego inflated during the breakup and they feel ultra confident and emotionally powerful. Often the karma bus hits when the BS isn't being chased anymore.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

Sorry for your pain, guys.

I know this will sound like a broken record, so my apologies in advance.

Your situations point out the strength and beauty of the 180. As you work on yourself, focused on your future, what the other person does or does not do stings but if you sincerely do the 180, you return to yourself as soon as bad news is given and processed.

People in the fog cannot be expected to act rationally or respectfully. Assuming deceit and selfishness to drive their decisions.

Protect yourself and your kid(s).

Be strong,
Stretch


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

All these emotions from anger to a sort of mourning keep cycling through me too! Funny because that's exactly why I came on to read here tonight! I haven't posted here in quite a while. I have these moments when I think I want the marriage back and I don't want to be divorced. And I HATE it when I feel like that, and hate it worse if it makes me cry which is fortunately, very rare. I don't want the cheating, lying SOB who took up with another woman while I was recovering from cancer surgery, but I DO miss my family life. The life where my kids felt safe and happy, and we all ate supper together at the table at night. We traveled together, and we loved to play together. I feel a mourning for the loss of the family dream I had. 

The anger comes in for me when I see what this whole thing is doing to my girls (two of them, middle to late teens). We've gotten to the point where their dad chooses to spend more time with his girlfriend (who lives in another country) than with them. He travels for work, so he used to fit the POSOW in when he was abroad and then home on most weekends for them. But now he divides his weekends and stays with her instead of being with the kids. That really hurts them. They hate him for that, and just want things to all go away now. That absolutely KILLS me. I try to not let my own hurt and disappointment get in the way and help them out, but some days it's very very hard. The kids now say it's harder when he's home than when he's not here. Sometimes I think they don't even want to see him at all. No sympathy for him on my part, because he deserves that as far as I'm concerned, but I don't want the girls to be bitter and angry at a time when they are JUST starting to date (each one has only been on one date and very reserved around the boys.... even though I/we are fairly open and agreeable parents where that stuff is concerned - so not like they are kept under lock and key). This is where I get really angry. I can take a lot, but I can't stand the pain it's causing the kids. 

That's when it takes all my strength to keep forging forward. I know the single best thing I can do for them is to be confident and positive, and make our new life work for all of us.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Relationships and betrayals come in many varieties so it makes sense that some takes years to let go, others take months, and others take minutes. It's all related to the person, the other person, and the circumstances. I remember waking up about 2 months into our separation with clarity that my ex wasn't the person I made her to be in my mind. Her redeeming qualities were mostly fiction.
> 
> And karma? The BS gets their ego inflated during the breakup and they feel ultra confident and emotionally powerful. Often the karma bus hits when the BS isn't being chased anymore.



Mine was a messy story . Stress , confusion and another girl but that wasn't what she thought. l did mess up a lot but l was also going through a lot but at the end of the day - if only she put all this stuff to me and given us a chance. lnstead of just assuming , saying nothing and then doing this.
Many things she'd been thinking were so wrong and l'd have been happy to work them out . Strange , she was completely blocked to it all .

l'll never understand that part and this being the solution with kids involved .


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## Kitten77 (May 9, 2011)

I find myself becoming angry about really stupid things. I had to meet up with H to get our taxes signed so we met at a restaurant to have dinner. Just like usual he leaves me at the table to go out and smoke a cigarette. When he came back in he said sorry, I left my nicorette in my car (that's in the shop). 

I begged him for years to cut back on the smoking! It was always such a pain in the ass to go anywhere or travel. Plus, sleeping next to a smoker sucks. NOW HE'S DOING IT?! NOW?! 

I should be happy that he's finally taking better care of himself and I acted like it on the outside. On the inside I was thinking YOU MF-er! lol


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## Butterfly1014 (Jul 24, 2014)

I am trying hard not to show my anger towards my H who left about a month ago. His reasonings for leaving were simply he wasn't happy anymore after being together for 6 years. He didn't want to go to any kind of therapy, MC,IC or FC for our children bc our 4 yr is autistic and his doctor recommended it. He isn't being rational in his thoughts and late picking up our son the couple times he has got him.
The anger is under there, but I am doing the 180 plan and I am keeping the kids to the forefront of my mind right now, unlike at the beginning. I don't even know if he has filed anything yet. I have never been through anything like this, neither has my family. I think that I let the Plan go for a while then ask?


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

SawbladeLily said:


> All these emotions from anger to a sort of mourning keep cycling through me too! Funny because that's exactly why I came on to read here tonight! I haven't posted here in quite a while. I have these moments when I think I want the marriage back and I don't want to be divorced. And I HATE it when I feel like that, and hate it worse if it makes me cry which is fortunately, very rare. I don't want the cheating, lying SOB who took up with another woman while I was recovering from cancer surgery, but I DO miss my family life. The life where my kids felt safe and happy, and we all ate supper together at the table at night. We traveled together, and we loved to play together. I feel a mourning for the loss of the family dream I had.
> 
> The anger comes in for me when I see what this whole thing is doing to my girls (two of them, middle to late teens). We've gotten to the point where their dad chooses to spend more time with his girlfriend (who lives in another country) than with them. He travels for work, so he used to fit the POSOW in when he was abroad and then home on most weekends for them. But now he divides his weekends and stays with her instead of being with the kids. That really hurts them. They hate him for that, and just want things to all go away now. That absolutely KILLS me. I try to not let my own hurt and disappointment get in the way and help them out, but some days it's very very hard. The kids now say it's harder when he's home than when he's not here. Sometimes I think they don't even want to see him at all. No sympathy for him on my part, because he deserves that as far as I'm concerned, but I don't want the girls to be bitter and angry at a time when they are JUST starting to date (each one has only been on one date and very reserved around the boys.... even though I/we are fairly open and agreeable parents where that stuff is concerned - so not like they are kept under lock and key). This is where I get really angry. I can take a lot, but I can't stand the pain it's causing the kids.
> 
> That's when it takes all my strength to keep forging forward. I know the single best thing I can do for them is to be confident and positive, and make our new life work for all of us.


Wow, sawbladelily, I could almost have written your post. Especially the part about your girls and the feeling of loss for a future family life.


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

Fenix said:


> Wow, sawbladelily, I could almost have written your post. Especially the part about your girls and the feeling of loss for a future family life.


It's good to know I'm not alone but I'm always sorry to hear someone else has the same problems, which of course is why most of us are posting on here. Some days it's an overwhelming feeling. But I do love to read people's stories and see how everyone is moving forward. Reaffirm that yes, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I've suffered enough loss in my lifetime to clearly recognize that I am going through the stages of grief for my marriage just as I have for the loss of a loved one to death. 

Anger is one of those stages. There is a place for it and a need to feel it. I don't deny myself any feelings that I have, even (especially) the ones that I hate to feel. 

We are all different, but that's where anger fits for me.


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