# Reconciling if you were never really in love



## adegirl2016

I am not sure if I have ever been in love with my husband. Of course, I love him like a family member, and I care about him... but let's just say I haven't had butterflies when I see him in years. 

We married quickly after having our first child. The relationship was rocky has soon as I got pregnant. I just found out on December 11th, 2016 that my husband was cheating with a co worker. I caught him pretty much as soon as he got home by going through his text messages. I was 9 months pregnant with our daughter (SECOND pregnancy) at the time.

I am pretty sure that this is not the first time, as I have caught him in an EA as well. He only admitted to that one being emotional, but I am pretty certain that it was physical as well.

He also used to smoke weed daily.


Since I have caught him, we have been to marriage counseling. We have read numerous books. He has stopped smoking. We have been working on rebuilding our relationship.

But I still don't know if I want to stay. Is it normal to be almost 3 months in and still not know if you even want to reconcile? Can you "reconcile" if nothing was ever there? I feel like our relationship is just crap. 

I have tried over the years to work it out for the kids. He has never listened. Always told me I was crazy. Nothing was wrong. He was happy. Why is he listening now?

I can't get past the affair. it still stings the same way it did on day 1.

Also, he has just gotten a new job, and will have to stay in a hotel for 6 weeks about 2 hours away. We can come visit. His boss said we can even stay. But - I am not sure if this traveling is going to help or hurt.

I am still on maternity leave. I go back to work in 6 weeks. I wonder if, when I have some time away from the house, I will have a better understanding of what I want. 

Can we reconcile? Even with traveling? Can I get past this? Has anyone had success with reconciling? Any tips, books, articles - anything that will help him or me?

3 months out and still a mess. Sorry if this post doesn't make sense.... a lot has happened in the last few months.


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## golfpanther

First, sorry you ended up here but hopefully we can help in some way.

You claim that you're not sure you ever were in love with your husband, but I'm not sure I buy that since you also allude to the fact that he used to give you butterflies and that you're a mess over the affair. It has probably been a while since you've felt it, but present circumstances are likely making you question that it ever was the case.However, if you come to a point where your 100% sure you were never in love with him than the advice is easy—leave him because you both deserve better.

Honestly, I'd say you should leave him anyway. He had at least an emotional affair in the past, which you think might have been more, and just a couple of months ago you found out he had a physical affair. If it was a one time thing, maybe you come back from it, but he did it again and this time you know for certain it was physical. If you don't feel in love with him and he was cheating what is there to hold on to?

How did you two handle the EA? Counseling or did the two of you just try to work it out on your own? What other issues exist in the relationship?

The traveling will make any reconciliation attempt harder but it will be on him to keep your counseling appointments. Don't go be with him in the hotel and even visit except when it involves the kids. Stick to your counseling sessions with him to address the issues in the relationship and focus on yourself outside of that in the meantime.


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## Openminded

It takes years (3 to 5 and sometimes more) to deal with the aftermath of infidelity. Triggers can go on even longer. The easiest part of R is the decision to try it. The rest is hard work. You are very recently in R so it's to be expected that it's all very raw. It will be that way for quite awhile. 

There are definitely R success stories on TAM. My own R was a failure (after decades of trying) and I don't usually post on R threads because of that but I remember your previous thread. 

I hope things work out for you.


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## Mizzbak

I am sorry that you are here.

The biggest part of the wave of negativity only hit me at around 3 months. It has now been 8 months and things are much better. I think we all process things differently and having a new baby will probably make that even more complicated. For what it's worth, I think that your heart is protecting itself by numbing any positive feelings that you have for him. That doesn't mean that those feelings are gone, just that you can't feel them at the moment. It's natural to want to distance yourself from hurt. Are you in IC yourself? I would recommend it.

As to whether you can possibly reconcile - I took advice from several places to wait for at least 6 months to make any critical decisions. Not sure why it should be such a magic number, but it worked for me. By the time I got there, I'd had time to process my own feelings and observe my husband closely. I didn't feel at the mercy of hourly mood shifts and I'd had time to unpack practical consequences. I feel like I made a balanced decision to go ahead and try for reconciliation. Don't get me wrong, the pain isn't suddenly gone, but it has faded a lot. And I was able to deal with it more rationally and constructively; rather than just feel like I wanted to give the whole thing up whenever I got down.

I will share something from my IC that I found very helpful. I fell into the trap of feeling that if I decided to try and reconcile then that was it, I would then be in for the long haul. I felt I was faced with 2 possible options - stay forever (and just grit my teeth and bear the pain) or divorce. My therapist added a third one - agree to try, to put my all into it (expecting my husband to do the same) and see whether I could get to a place of true reconciliation. It isn't about living in limbo, and this is important. It needs to be a whole-hearted effort. When I could be up-front with my husband that I was committed to trying, but couldn't commit yet to a positive outcome, it became a lot easier. For both of us. I hope that this makes sense. 

As to success. It's early days for me yet. But so far so good.


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