# Mismatched desire for Sex...What's the right thing to do?



## kpmg (Dec 15, 2013)

Hello Folks....been a lurker here for a long long time. TAM is one of my last remaining addictions 

My wife and I have been married for 12 years, and both of us are almost 40. We were both virgins (religious reasons). Our sex drives & desires have been always mismatched in one way or the other. In the beginning I had the higher drive and desire, however in the last couple of years, my wife has begun to exhibit higher drive and occasionally initiating. We get along fairly well, have had no major fights lately, no addictions...no abuse...no affairs. We are very different from each other, almost nothing in common. I am introverted, she is extroverted. I have limited social skills coupled with minor social anxiety, where as wife loves being the center of attention and is funny and full of life in social gatherings. If you ask me, what we have in common, I will have to think very hard to say anything other than love for our kids.

Our sexual history is a mixed bag, some good , some bad. My wife had quite a bit of anxiety regarding sex early in our marriage. She desired sex less than me, but did enjoy it, when it happened. She controlled that aspect of our life for obvious reasons. I have been rejected countless times. I am yet to learn to handle rejection properly. Avoiding rejection has been a major theme of my life. It used to be lot of work to get my wife to do anything different in bed. I remember sex being almost always on my mind. I also remember, the first emotions I felt when I got up in the morning was anger & frustration for not getting any action the prior night.


Quite a bit has changed for me in the last 3 years. As our kids grow, I am becoming more involved with school ,homework and other extra curricular activities. Professionally I now have a chance to become relevant and visible outside my department. I have started taking classes that will help me professionally. I am beginning to acquire clarity in my thinking. I am still not sure what I want from my life, but have clarity in in what I don't want from life. I used to listen to talk radio religiously, It's been long gone now. I cancelled Cable TV about 2 years ago. I stopped volunteering at my church, It used to be a huge part of my life. I started to eat healthy. I have lost weight. I used to drink 2-3 times a week, I have not had a drink since Christmas. I don't even watch porn as much as I used to. I could probably count in one hand, the number of times I have watched porn in the last 6 months. I picked up a hobby that I used to have in my teens and early twenties.


In other words at this point in my life, I have very little desire or need for sex. To be honest, I hesitate to call myself LD, I believe I have a normal drive, I have occasional urge to watch porn and take care of business myself. What has really changed is that sex is no-longer is front-and-center of my mind in the last 1-2 years. I occupies a very small real-estate in my brain. We have had sex twice in the last 3 months, I initiated once and the second time it happened because wife complained about me no longer initiating. Sex for me used to be a top 3 priority, now I am not sure if it is even a top 10 priority. However, If I am alone at home and have nothing to do, The urge to watch porn comes rushing to my mind.


My wife on the other hand has become more vocal in communicating her desires, more willing to do things in bed than before. She also complains a lot more about me not initiating and occasionally she initiates. These changes happened over the last 1-2 years. Initially I rejected her advances couple of times and If I am being honest with myself, I would say I enjoyed rejecting her. I do know that was wrong and have not done that ever since. It's got to a point that if she indicates a desire, I will make sure she get's her needs taken care of. However...Like I said before, desire for sex is not front-and-center of my mind and I completely forget about sex until my wife mumbles about it. She does not like this new dynamic in our relationship at all.


I have made it very clear to my wife that, I will not reject her if she initiates. I have also communicated that all she needs to do is to hint, if she is interested. I have gotten better a deciphering her hints. I absolutely do not want her to live sexually frustrated, like I did in my late 20's to mid 30's. However, she is not very happy with this condition, She want's me to pursue her, like I used to do in the past. That's a role I am not too excited to play anymore. Because I have tried to do that recently, and the one time she rejected my advance, anger, frustration & sadness came rushing at me. I don't like how that makes me feel. This makes me very very hesitant to play the role of the pursuer. Also If I was completely honest with myself, I like the current equation of the balance of power in our relationships, who wouldn't.


Sorry for the long wall of text, I am not even sure, if I have a question to ask, I guess I am trying to figure out, what is the right thing to do in the current situation? Is doing nothing perhaps right thing to do? I am curious to know what others think of this situation.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Did you explain to her how it makes you feel when you initiate and she rejects?

I do not think you should consider yourself normal. You are definitely low drive. It seems like some of this is caused by years of built up resentment but it could also be low T or other aging issues. 

You two need to learn to talk about this more and work out a plan that meets each others needs.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

What do I *think* - I think I would enjoy the power shift as well. I have not been rejected to the degree that most people on this board have, but my drive has always been higher than H and I have typically been the pursuer. Like you I am more introverted and desire to be sexually submissive - so having to be the aggressor has rubbed me the wrong way (literally and figuratively.)

What is the RIGHT thing to do - the right thing to do is to ask you wife to grow up (using nicer language than that.) Sexually healthy adults can manage communication about sex so both parties have their needs being met. There can be an agreement about the division of initiation. Even if she prefers to be persued, she should still be able to initiate in equal amounts. Taking turns. Leaving both partners happy with the compromise. 

If you have not, I hope you take the opportunity to explain as much as you have here what years and years of rejection has done to you. If she doesn't understand this has been her doing - she needs to.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I have two points to make;

1) Whilst I am not religious per se, I am a believer. However, religions that promote no sex before marriage can have a detrimental effect to marriage and life. 
As sex is so important in marriage and the bonding of two beings, I believe it is imperative that a potential couple find out before marriage whether they are completely compatible or not.

Even the more 'traditional' religions (where members pray 5 x a day etc) have 'arrangements' for couples to live together to make sure they are as compatible as possible. 
They would rather that then there be a divorce.

2) Can't remember! Sorry......!!!!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Could number 2 be: get your testosterone checked?

Could number 2 be: stop being passive aggressive by "getting back" at your wife and turning your wife's growing comfort with her sexuality into a weapon to use against her for all the rejections you got early in your marriage when your wife was coping with learning to be a sexual woman.

Could number 2 be: find a middle ground where your wife can let you know she is interested in sex and then you can sexually pursue her without being afraid of rejection.

I had a number 3 but can't remember.....


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## Happyquest (Apr 21, 2009)

:lol: Lack of sex causes memory loss. Just saying LOL


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You don't say it outright, but between the lines you are saying you aren't in love with her anymore (or maybe ever). You are co-parents and roommates, but you don't sound in love.

This is a huge problem if you want to stay married.

Do you happen to have a crush on someone at work?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anon...the next time I walk past you in the butchery section...watch out!!


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Still can't remember.....duh!

But years of my wife rejecting me has led me to where I am now. 
Sexless marriage, complete sexual dis-interest in my wife and yes resentment.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

askari said:


> Still can't remember.....duh!
> 
> But years of my wife rejecting me has led me to where I am now.
> Sexless marriage, complete sexual dis-interest in my wife and yes resentment.


Honest answer...if your wife found her sexual comfort to be expanding and began to show more interest in sex, would you reject her?


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## kpmg (Dec 15, 2013)

Sorry for the delayed response...




usmarriedguy said:


> Did you explain to her how it makes you feel when you initiate and she rejects?
> 
> 
> *Many Many times in the past, almost always ended up both of us arguing and fighting. Nothing ever got resolved. *
> ...





askari said:


> I have two points to make;
> 
> 
> 1) Whilst I am not religious per se, I am a believer. However, religions that promote no sex before marriage can have a detrimental effect to marriage and life.
> ...








Anon Pink said:


> Could number 2 be: stop being passive aggressive by "getting back" at your wife and turning your wife's growing comfort with her sexuality into a weapon to use against her for all the rejections you got early in your marriage when your wife was coping with learning to be a sexual woman.
> 
> 
> *Serious question...What exactly did you see as passive aggressive behavior? Was it me rejecting her advances, If so, it happened only 2 times...Have not done that ever since. Her needs do get taken care of, when she requests or drops hints*
> ...






Faithful Wife said:


> You don't say it outright, but between the lines you are saying you aren't in love with her anymore (or maybe ever). You are co-parents and roommates, but you don't sound in love.
> 
> 
> *I disagree...I love her as much as I loved her before I married her,
> ...


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Honest answer...if your wife found her sexual comfort to be expanding and began to show more interest in sex, would you reject her?


I really don't know.

She has rejected me so often and denied me so much over the years that I suspect at best I would 'oblige' her occasionally just to empty the tanks....at worst I would relish being able to reject and deny her just as she has done me for years.

I know two wrongs don't make a right and I'll be cutting off my nose to spite my face etc.
But she deserves a dose of her own medicin.

Its hypothetical though, because she's 50, at the tail end of menopause and hasn't changed in the slightest. No interest in sex, me or life in general. You can't get a leopard to change its spots.

At her age I would be (am) thinking about the future, planning for it, aspiring to it, having some ambitions.....I would love to 'upgrade' to a bigger house, have a pool, slightly more rural, have a lawn tractor to cut the grass (!!...always wanted one - boys toys!) etc. She has absolutely no ambitions or aspirations whatsoever. Its as if she is here in body but not spirit. Lights are on but no one is in.

Honest answer!


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Welcome to my world friend.

Based on what I'm seeing in your post our situations are very similar. I can't say that I don't love my wife, certainly I feel it at times. There was a time not too long ago when having sex with my wife would make me feel bonded with her for a fair amount of time. But now it just feels like a one night stand with some random woman. This happens over time. Frequent rejection over the years will make you much less interested in her and will erode your love for her. Sorry, I don't know what the solution is. I think your problem is not so much that you don't desire sex, it's that you don't desire sex with her because of built up resentments that you're just not ready to let go of.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Welcome to my world friend.
> 
> Based on what I'm seeing in your post our situations are very similar. I can't say that I don't love my wife, certainly I feel it at times. There was a time not too long ago when having sex with my wife would make me feel bonded with her for a fair amount of time. But now it just feels like a one night stand with some random woman. This happens over time. Frequent rejection over the years will make you much less interested in her and will erode your love for her. Sorry, I don't know what the solution is. I think your problem is not so much that you don't desire sex, it's that you don't desire sex with her because of built up resentments that you're just not ready to let go of.


:iagree:
You're bang on the money.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She wants to be pursued, for you to initiate. Now I've made crystal clear to my wife that I will not initiate because of her rejection habit. I've also made clear to her that our marriage is now conditional on us being sexual on a regular basis. That means she has to initiate, which she does. But anyway, I've often thought and in fact told her that I would start initiating again if I had some kind of assurance that she wouldn't reject me. Some kind of guarantee. She says that she won't but I don't trust her so I don't try. Perhaps if the rule was whoever rejects has to initiate 5 times for each rejection. I don't know, it's late and I'm just rambling.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

kpmg said:


> I have made it very clear to my wife that, I will not reject her if she initiates. I have also communicated that all she needs to do is to hint, if she is interested. I have gotten better a deciphering her hints. I absolutely do not want her to live sexually frustrated, like I did in my late 20's to mid 30's. However, she is not very happy with this condition, She want's me to pursue her, like I used to do in the past. That's a role I am not too excited to play anymore. Because I have tried to do that recently, and the one time she rejected my advance, anger, frustration & sadness came rushing at me. I don't like how that makes me feel. This makes me very very hesitant to play the role of the pursuer. Also If I was completely honest with myself, I like the current equation of the balance of power in our relationships, who wouldn't.


I don't blame you for enjoying the new power dynamic, but it will destroy your marriage if it stays like this. 

I put my husband through many years of near sexlessness and complete sexlessness and when I finally got my groove on I would have crawled back into my shell if he rejected me. 

So you need to make up your mind if you want this marriage, you need to deal with your resentment and start making your wife feel as if you want her by pursuing her. If you can't deal with your resentment and can't pursuer her, then end it now while you both are young and healthy enough to enjoy life with better mates.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I agree, AP. I think rejecting a wife who is willing is not going to help the relationship.

OP, how about just an open, honest, transparent talk with your wife? Just put your feelings on the table. It does not have to lead to arguing. You don't have to be demanding or accusing or tough with her. You can just put your heart out there, genuinely and sincerely.

And are you familiar with active listening? Basically you just repeat what the other person says back to them. It makes them feel heard, respected, and understood. If you do it with your wife, she will likely share what is in her heart with you. When you can really see into her heart, you will see the real problems. Then together you can address them.

Ideally, she will listen to you at a heart level, too. When one partner shows true compassion, it is hard for the other not to be touched, too, and respond in kind.

And don't be surprised if she starts crying because she did not realize all the pain she has caused you. She may love you very much, but made the mistake of taking you for granted. Help her find a way to make it up to you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

askari said:


> I really don't know.
> 
> She has rejected me so often and denied me so much over the years that I suspect at best I would 'oblige' her occasionally just to empty the tanks....at worst I would relish being able to reject and deny her just as she has done me for years.
> 
> ...


Then it's time you had a heart to heart with your wife. Read what JLD says about transparency and listening with an open heart. Having an open heart doesn't mean you have to agree, it means you do your best to feel what the other person feels considering whatever baggage they may carry.

But to slowly allow such resentment and anger into your life is only going to shorten a miserable existence, IMO.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

WoM, read my thread from late December 2013. The ONS feeling is exactly how I felt too. 

Same approach too. I figured if it feels like an ONS why bother, so I'll spend my next 2-3 years cashing tuition bound pay checks and planning my exit strategy.

As Major Dad always said, some people only understand force and destruction. Seeing her cousin reduced to smolders for the same reason didn't do much for her....


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> But to slowly allow such resentment and anger into your life is only going to shorten a miserable existence, IMO.



Only if you let it.

I'm past the 180 phase and into the x / 2 phase. Record all our assets and liabilities and prepare for am orderly marriage shutdown. 

At the same time make sure I get rejected early and often to ensure she (and I) hasn't forgotten why this is all happening.

It is still amazing that her aversion to intimacy is worth losing out on a pretty awesome future together. Let's see, retire in one of Europe's more fun and vibrant capitals full of things to see and do in a paid for flat or retire in some 50+ retirement community in Texas and fight with her relatives daily.. Not to mention the financial idiocy of two homes, two cars, etcetera.

What bothers me is that she's willing to sacrifice all that. That says a lot more about her than I would like to know.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> WoM, read my thread from late December 2013. The ONS feeling is exactly how I felt too.
> 
> Same approach too. I figured if it feels like an ONS why bother, so I'll spend my next 2-3 years cashing tuition bound pay checks and planning my exit strategy.
> 
> As Major Dad always said, some people only understand force and destruction. Seeing her cousin reduced to smolders for the same reason didn't do much for her....


Can you link your thread, John?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

This should be an interesting read...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/showthread.php?t=153121


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## kpmg (Dec 15, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Welcome to my world friend.
> 
> Based on what I'm seeing in your post our situations are very similar. I can't say that I don't love my wife, certainly I feel it at times. There was a time not too long ago when having sex with my wife would make me feel bonded with her for a fair amount of time. But now it just feels like a one night stand with some random woman. This happens over time. Frequent rejection over the years will make you much less interested in her and will erode your love for her. Sorry, I don't know what the solution is. I think your problem is not so much that you don't desire sex, it's that you don't desire sex with her because of built up resentments that you're just not ready to let go of.


Just like you said... I don't know what the solution is either. I am hoping to find some answers here


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## kpmg (Dec 15, 2013)

jld said:


> I agree, AP. I think rejecting a wife who is willing is not going to help the relationship.
> 
> OP, how about just an open, honest, transparent talk with your wife? Just put your feelings on the table. It does not have to lead to arguing. You don't have to be demanding or accusing or tough with her. You can just put your heart out there, genuinely and sincerely.
> 
> ...


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Hi, kpmg. Let me know how the active listening goes, okay? 

You need to have a way of listening to her without taking what she says personally. No defending yourself or giving information; you just repeat back to her what she says.

I know it is hard. I am sorry. I am not easy for my husband, either. The role of a loving, responsible husband is hard. But that is how he earns his wife's respect: by being kind, patient, calm, and _firm_ with her. 

Sometimes my husband fails, too. He just has to pick himself up and go back to it again. Not one of us is perfect, husband or wife.

AP often recommends communicating in writing. Do you think that might be helpful?


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## larry.gray (Feb 21, 2011)

I'm not in the same place as WOM, but I have some similar issues. My wife and I have been having crazy lots of sex - that's one big difference. 

I don't get turned down, so I do initiate probably 40% of the time. That's a huge difference as it was me 95% of the time before. I have told my wife that if I do get rejected, I will quit initiating for quite a while. I'm not turning her down, ever. I used to do that when things were bad, but I'm not going to know since I don't see it as helpful.

Recently my wife had initiated, and we got interrupted by a kid. Daughter had something that had to be dealt with, and it was a legitimate interruption not a kid being a pain. When we tried to get going again, wife was distracted. I quit, and she was hurt. She was still interested, just distracted by all that was going on. I told her that I am not chasing her again. That I don't foresee myself doing that anytime soon, and not so soon either. I wouldn't go so far as to say never. That stung her a LOT. 

The anger over the past is gone; I know this fall I truly forgave her for the past. But I wonder if that part ever comes back?


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