# Lazy fiance -- or am I nitpicky?



## nelloq (Nov 27, 2013)

The "childish spouse" thread rang true for me in a couple ways and prompted me to register and post. I'm engaged and getting married summer 2014.

Since getting engaged and living with my fiance, I have noticed some irritating habits that don't bode well for the long haul. She is the type who doesn't have many actual days of work in her past, has a horrible financial history, collects child support (yes, I have taken in her 5-year old son as my own) and basically just floats through life hoping for the best but with no real plan.

She works about 15-20/hours a week, she is very much into fitness (part of her job) so spends time at the gym as well and does the bulk of caring for her son, but there is a lot of sitting on the couch time. Meanwhile, I work full-time, provide more financially, moved to her hometown, care for her son, do more around the house, always have something to be doing as a new homeowner and do the bulk of the planning for trips/events.

Some are little things. I could probably count on my fingers the number of times she has taken out the trash or emptied the dishwasher completely on her own over the last six months. Not a big deal, but just one of those annoying things that comes with cohabitation when one person does it nearly every time. Also, works out a lot but, honestly, only showers 2-3 times per week out of pure laziness.

If I talk to her about it, it's just me being on her ass and she "doesn't respond well to that." Of course, if I say nothing, it doesn't get done either.

I mentioned her horrible financial history, which includes mounting bills. I suggest working more or (she has the time), at the very least, setting up payment plans to get out from under it. I also have bills, but have excellent credit and have never missed a payment in my life. Instead of saying "oh, maybe I should take your advice" it's just me being on her ass about it. Again, she "doesn't respond well to that." Well nobody was on her ass about anything the last 10 years and look what happened.

I'm not the person who says my partner has to make $XX amount and not have any debt, but I'm also living in the real world.

Basically, my suggestion for anything that would help both of us in the long run is worthless because it's someone telling her what to do. It's a refusal to accept that there are things she could improve on. Her favorite line is, "well, find someone who does exactly what you want because I am who I am."

I cut her off financially a little bit (I don't make a ton of money) in hopes it would kick her into gear, but she seems to be scraping by. So no, saving for the wedding is not on her mind. Not to mention, retirement and any other kind of savings. If I mention it, it would just be me on her ass.

She does have good qualities.
--She is very caring and loving, especially for me and her son. If it came down to it, she would do anything for us. It just never actually "comes down to it."
--She carries the load in the romance department and making the other person feel special and wanted (I have gotten better at this, but it's not a strong point of mine).
--The sex is very good.
--She is very attractive. I'm not ugly, but she's out of my league and the type that every other guy would think I'm absolutely nuts for giving up on.
--When she does get her mind on something, she can do pretty good with it. Too bad most of these things don't give (pay) much in return aside from her enjoyment and some of the day-to-day necessary tasks (like paying bills) get lost when she's focused on something else.
--We have a lot of the same interests and do have fun with each other when we're not having "why can't you just take my advice and let me help you" / "get off my ass about it" fights.

Sorry for the book.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

All this will not get better once you say I do.
She sounds lazy and not very motivated. What happens when it's time to retire...everything will be on your back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

When someone tells you "find someone else who meets your needs then, because this is who I am", you should listen to them. And as previously posted, this is likely to get worse in the future if you don't strike a balance, not better. 

And who wants to have wild kinky sex with a stinky person? Unless that's your kink, I guess...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well, one accident or major illness and she won't be good in bed or good looking. Where would you be then? Do yourself a favor and find someone you're totally nuts about.


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## Hazard (Nov 24, 2013)

I have the same situation if not worse. My wife and I were living together and the first months was fine. If she cooked I would wash the dishes and so on. After that the only thing she does is to stay on pc and study sometimes. Her parents still help her with money and i have to do everything at home. I really mean everything. If I clean the kitchen she goes there and eat something with no intention to clean up the dishes. Lazy woman. I have tried to speak with her many times but it is impossibile so have done her parents.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Forget about the fact that she's out of your league and concentrate on the fact that she's underemployed and not at all concerned about financial matters. In her mind, that's what you are for. And in addition she's lazy. Is that really what you want long term?


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

This is a big red flag. If it were me, I would postpone the wedding until your fiancee started contributing more to the household both chores wise and financially. With my H, he was lazy too but was still helping out around the house and contributing some financially. Then within a couple of months of being married, he stopped helping out as much around the house and barely chipped in financially. So with marriage, his laziness got worse. We did sit down recently and had a talk about how he should be more involved - how he should be acting more like an adult and that means cleaning up about himself and helping out with finances. The talk seemed to help and he is in fact make small changes. Maybe you need to have a serious talk with your fiancee and tell her how you feel. 

P.S. You may think she's out of your league physically but from the sounds of it you are emotionally and maturity wise out of her league at the moment.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

I doubt she will change. You have to decide if you can live with her as she is.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I feel for you buddy, 25 five years ago I could have written your message voiceing the same concerns, but I married her anyway....20 plus years of daily frustration...no way to spend a life.

Love is a funny thing, it can blind you to reality. More than likely things will not change, you have certain expectations and she will fail to meet them on an ongoing basis, which makes a very unhappy enviroment for both of you and the kid. None of these issues make either of you bad people, just different people with different goals and expectations. 

In my opinion to be happy and content in life it is the day to day things that make or break a relationship, find someone on the same page as yourself.


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## MaBi123 (Nov 28, 2013)

The laziness and not working isn't going to change unless you put your foot down. Do you pay for her extras, like clothing and nights out? If you do, stop. 

Stop doing the cleaning too. She might start doing more if you stop and she is basically forced to take the initiative.

A lot of these qualities are very deeply rooted, and they won't change overnight. They may not change at all. 

It sounds like this woman has always had someone to care for her. She really needs to learn to fend for herself. You don't want her to not be able to care for herself if something happens to you.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

It feels a bit weird that the previous comments seems a bit too dramatic, Idk, but if the OP is very happy with his partner and this is the only issue, then is it really bad enough to break up?? Every relationship has its own issues, how many relationships are free of them? So if it's not too bad, why not encourage and give advice on helping people to work things out instead of telling them to break up?

OP, how bad is this issue? Are you guys financially ok? Are you ok with her working part-time as long as she does more house chores and be more disciplined with the finances, or do you need her to have a full-time job too?

Sometimes one partner might be less concerned about some things in the relationship than the other, and it's really hard to convince them to care a bit more - like me and my H, in some things he cares less and I get frustrated, and in others it's him that gets frustrated with me. We try to work things out and sometimes we might have difficulty listening to the other, but hey, we still put some effort as we care for each other.

Your fiance is not being mature, and then she was too used to let things go chaotic instead of taking care of them. No one likes to nag their partners and get frustrated, but maybe you can find other ways to reach her. Tell her how you feel, express how you'd really appreciate if she could help more, to this or that, but give small suggestions and don't expect too much at first. It's setting yourself to failure if you expect change overnight, but try to set small goals first, like one or two suggestions at the first week and ask her to put some effort to follow through.

I'm not sure if the following way is good, but this would be what I'd do - if she doesn't seem to listen or put effort, distance yourself a bit. If she asks, tell her it's coz you feel hurt since she didn't care, so you feel distant. Personally, when I feel that my H doesn't care enough of what I said, I stop nagging after a while and simply shut down bit by bit, as I feel hurt and emotionally distant.
On the other hand, my H wouldn't distance himself, but I do put effort as I feel guilty if he expresses that I was not putting as much effort in something he does as I should.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Be true and admit your posting for a reason.
It will only get worse if you marry her.
She is not willing to change and seems to
think you will.

What do you think it would be like if you had a child
with her?

In your post you already list many concerns you 
have about her as a person.Do what you must
to make you happy.

Your only engaged so,ending this relationship is
problem free if you want to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ha ha, sorry, I just have to chuckle over what men will put up with for attractive (esp out of their league attractive) and good sex. OP, she's lazy, and that isn't going to change, but she is going to get older, less attractive, and probably less sexual. This is who she is. I'll tell you what I'd tell another woman complaining about her lazy man: he is who he is and you can't nag someone into being who they're not. .
Any changes gained that way will be temporary. In a way she's doing you a favor because she's showing you exactly who she is and is not attempting to deceive you, so if you continue with this you give up the right to complain because you know what you're getting. I believe it was Richard Gere (I could be wrong about that) who once said "Show me the most beautiful woman in the world and I'll show you someone that's tired of f!cking her and putting up with her sh!t".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

RUN 

yuck. she sounds scary


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"If it came down to it, she would do anything for us." No, she wouldn't. One who won't partner in small things won't be much count for the big ones, either. If there is no compromise or sacrifice in her when it comes to little things, where do you suppose she will find the strength and character necessary to man-up when the crap hits the fan and you actually need her to? People tell us early who they are and if we are wise, we listen. "Find someone else because I am who I am" is no way for a marriage prospect to talk. It means, "my will be done and you can get bent". 
Partners work together. That's rather the definition of partnership. You've got yourself a self-centered drama princess who just assumes life will naturally blow powder sugar up her unmotivated back-side all her days; that there will always be a man to carry her and her child, whether she partners or not. This is how she acts before she has a ring and a legal piece of paper. You are seeing her at her Sunday-go-to-meeting best. Once the bit is firmly in your mouth and she legally holds your reigns, you are in for a world of hurt.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Are you just venting or looking for advice here?

If you are looking for advice....I don't think you both are compatible enough for a long-term marriage. If she was willing to take some of your advice then you wouldn't be here right?

She is financially irresponsible, lazy & wants other people to support her & take care of her. These negative qualities will not magically disappear. You sir are blinded by her looks (which will fade). 

I think love is blind in your case.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

The rule of thumb is: 
We are at our BEST when in love and engaged to be married. 
Things ALWAYS go downhill from there--we're only human--so choose your hills carefully. 
To put it bluntly: THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT WILL GET. That okay with you?

I think of it as grapes. They could just rot. Or you could get wine. Good couples get wine. 
But no way do you end up with the fresh grapes you bought in the first place. 

The thing is this: It's YOUR call, no one else's--if this stuff is bugging you now, it will really, really, really bug you later. This stuff doesn't bug everyone. You decide what's right for you. 

What you're saying is that this is NOT all right with you. 

So don't kid yourself.


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## LoveMy2Boys (Apr 16, 2013)

Do not get married. Cut your ties before it gets any further. Imagine bringing a child of your own into this mess, and then having to split custody with her because you are eventually going to divorce this woman. There are much better ones out there. RUN!


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## nelloq (Nov 27, 2013)

OP here, thanks for all the replies.

Maybe I'm incorrect here, but I'm guessing a majority of the people on this forum have some kind of relationship woes. So, honestly, I take some of the "Run!" responses with a grain of salt. Perhaps that's me being stubborn or blind, but it's one point of view.

Still, I obviously have some things to think about. I've had the "teamwork and partnership" talk with her a couple times and she says she's fully on board. Long-term actions don't really support that, though. While I don't mean to paint her as a total piece of s---, I can't understand someone sitting on the couch for hours on end when there's simple things that can be done to make everyone's life easier. But everyone has different thresholds for that, so maybe I'm just nitpicky. That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I definitely wouldn't say I'm unhappy. As it is now, I have a family, which means I always have people around, someone to have my back and something to do and I don't have to sit around hoping my friends aren't hanging out with their wives/girlfriends. Yes, maybe I meet someone else and that's only a temporary problem, but I also don't want to (blackjack analogy) hit on 15 and end up busting just being greedy and trying to get something better.

I understand nobody is perfect and no relationship is without disagreements. How much is too much?


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

It will only get worse after marriage. As the sex/her looks eventually fade away, the laziness will not. You will continue to work your ass off and she will continue to sit around but hey, by marrying her, you are accepting her as is, so you are half the problem. 

Just because a woman is ideally attractive to you and 'has your back' does NOT mean she is marriage material. There is MUCH much much more to it if you want to live ever lasting. 

If your asking us if she will change.. you are asking the wrong people. She already said it best herself when she said 'this is who I am.' I don't think you need to hear anymore after that. Because the easy approach doesn't work on her, just break something and demand her to get off her ass. If that doesn't wake her up--then just save yourself the long term migraine.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP,, you are dangerously close to becoming her father (ie having the partner talk) and few things are less attractive then that. You seem to want to bury your head in the sand though, so good luck with that. FYI, i am quite happily married to someone that is a full partner, and have been with him for almost 10 years. The fact that you assume that anyone telling you something you don't want to hear tells me that your head really is in the sand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She says she's on board but her actions say otherwise. When people's actions don't match their words, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS believe their actions because that's the truth. Of course, you may take that advise with a grain of salt or a truckload of salt, but it comes from a trained interrogator with over 32 years experience. I've been in failed relationships but I can honestly say I've never been surprised. They showed me glaring clues about who they were early in the relationship. Those little quirks were the tip of very ugly icebergs. Getting married will be the most important, most expensive decision you will ever make. You will bear the consequences, for good or ill, until they toss dirt in your eyes. Your kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, etc will bear the consequences longer after you're gone.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> She says she's on board but her actions say otherwise. When people's actions don't match their words, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS believe their actions because that's the truth. Of course, you may take that advise with a grain of salt or a truckload of salt, but it comes from a trained interrogator with over 32 years experience. I've been in failed relationships but I can honestly say I've never been surprised. They showed me glaring clues about who they were early in the relationship. Those little quirks were the tip of very ugly icebergs. Getting married will be the most important, most expensive decision you will ever make. You will bear the consequences, for good or ill, until they toss dirt in your eyes. Your kids, grandkids, and great grandkids, etc will bear the consequences longer after you're gone.


But he's getting good sex from someone out of his league! isn't that worth everything? You're a party pooper 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I guess what would worry me is...so why is she with you if she's so out of your league?

Is she looking for an insurance policy that will take care of her? Do the crap work? Adopt her son so he'll have to take care of him financially until he's 18 even if she divorces you?

What if she lost her job soon after you married and gained weight? How would you feel then?

Remember that manipulative people are on their BEST behavior before their mark is locked in.

I'm not saying she's using you, I have no idea, but just pointing out that it's possible and you should take steps to protect yourself if the relationship goes south.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> When people's actions don't match their words, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS believe their actions because that's the truth.


Words to freaking live by :iagree:


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

nelloq said:


> OP here, thanks for all the replies.
> 
> Maybe I'm incorrect here, but I'm guessing a majority of the people on this forum have some kind of relationship woes. So, honestly, I take some of the "Run!" responses with a grain of salt. Perhaps that's me being stubborn or blind, but it's one point of view.
> 
> ...


You are right OP. No relationship is perfect but some of the advice you are receiving is from people who have been married a long time. I don't think your woman sounds like a bad person but she IS lazy by your own admission & this bothers you enough to post on this website. Now if she were willing to work with you on that and/or be open to suggestions, that would be fantastic but she gets very defensive to what she perceives as being told what to do.

Was the father of her child controlling? abusive? This may explain some of her resistance to your suggestions. She may see it as controlling.

Your wedding date is set & I know you are going through with it. Best to accept her the way she is right now & forget trying to change her into a less lazy financially responsible person for your own peace of mind.


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## lifewithcrazy (Nov 21, 2013)

I am the OP from the "childish spouse" thread and just read through this thread. I agree with you that most people are here because they are having issues in their marriage, and that they often post from that viewpoint. I have to say, though, that I've gotten some pretty spot-on advice that not only was congruent with my own thought processes but those of a therapist, family, and friends. The point is, if you're here posting about this, you, like me, already know the answer; it's just nice to get some validation from objective third parties.

You have read my post and can see all of the issues that come with marrying a spouse with the issues you laid out, so I won't beat a dead horse and repeat them. Read it again and ask yourself if you're really going to be comfortable living like this the rest of your life. 

What I will tell you from experience is this: It's not so much the laziness that will get to you after a while, or even the financial irresponsibility -- although those things are HUGE and bring their own issues -- it will be the unwillingness to take responsibility and work together towards a compromise that will be the downfall of the marriage. There is just NO talking to or working with people like this. They "are what they are," they're comfortable like that, and they refuse to listen to any viewpoint that differs from their own. It will very quickly to turn into a parent/child dynamic, and it will eat at you until you say "enough." 

As others have said, watch her actions, don't listen to her words. I wish I had been given this advice years ago. I can't tell you how many times I've been promised changes on his part that have never come to fruition. 

Don't bank on her being there if you need her, either. I can think of four huge events in my life -- deaths of family members and my own health situation -- where my spouse was the last person to be there, because he just doesn't have the character to care about anyone other than himself. 

What I would say is this: Don't rush into the marriage. I know you have a date, but dates can change. Let her know up-front what your concerns are and tell her you need to see some ACTION on her part as far as making changes before you are comfortable signing up for a lifetime of dealing with her issues. Don't think just because you have a date picked out that you are obligated to stick with it. 

If she makes changes that you are comfortable with and can live with for the long haul, by all means tie the knot. If not, the additional time waiting and watching could save you a lot of heartache down the road.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

nelloq said:


> --The sex is very good.
> --She is very attractive. I'm not ugly, but she's out of my league and the type that every other guy would think I'm absolutely nuts for giving up on.


If she weren't so hot, would you sign up for a lifetime of lazy and bad with finances? Because one day, she won't be as hot but she'll still be just as lazy and financially irresponsible. And if you wouldn't accept this kind of behavior in a person who isn't as hot, you shouldn't accept it from her.


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