# New developments in my story



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Last night I confirmed a suspicion – My husband is having an EA and has been for the past year (at least). I’m not even sure what to do at this point. I thought we were working towards rebuilding our marriage but now this.

For the newcomers: I had a brief (1 month) PA about 1.5 yrs ago. My husband caught me, threw me out , I ended the affair immediately and after over a year of joint therapy, finally decided that he was willing to work with me to rebuild our relationship.
Now, I find that he has been emailing/webcam chats/texting/talking to this woman online for over a year, crossing the line into “inappropriate” territory, getting intimate online, telling her he loves her, etc etc. All while he supposedly wants to work things out with me.

I am just in shock right now. I don’t even know what to do at this point. I told him that even though what I did was wrong, I still have the right to insist that he stop talking to her forever. He didn’t want to lose the friendship (oh, sounds so familiar) but would end things.

For those of you feeling the need to condemn, yes, I got what I dished out, and it hurts. I feel betrayed, humiliated (since they starting talking when we were separated, the whole point of their friendship was to talk about me and “help” him get thru things), and like I can’t trust him. Yes, karma is a bit*h and now I know firsthand what he was feeling when he found out about my affair. 

We’re supposed to go camping this weekend for 4 days with a group of people. I am not a camper and don’t know the first thing about it. I don’t want to go with him, maybe to punish him, I’m not sure, but in anycase, I can’t go without him since I don’t know what I’m doing. I could stay home, I suppose…

Advice, wisdom, comments? I am lost right now and don’t know what to do. I wish I'd handled the confrontation differently, might have gotten more info, I'm not sure.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm sorry for your situation. I know it looks like you got what you dished...but that doesn't make it right or any less painful. 

I don't have a suggestion for camping...would you two be fighting if you went? Then maybe best to stay home to leave the others out of it. 

It will hurt for a while. One day at a time is all you can do. You both may forgive, but neither will forget. 

Do you feel this is a recoverable situation? Do you (both) want it to be? Then you can do it but it will take a lot of work. If not, cut your losses now, don't drag it out any longer.


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## Roger136913 (Apr 29, 2009)

Ahhhh I have been there.... 

Personaly I would go camping as it might help the relationship. I agree he should stop all contact with her. And yea I hear you on the Karma is a [email protected] 
Do you know if he did it in spite? or it just happened as he felt he was not getting the attention and love from you?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> For those of you feeling the need to condemn, yes, I got what I dished out, and it hurts. I feel betrayed, humiliated (since they starting talking when we were separated, the whole point of their friendship was to talk about me and “help” him get thru things), and like I can’t trust him. Yes, karma is a bit*h and now I know firsthand what he was feeling when he found out about my affair.


The point is, after putting you through the shredder, it turns out he was no-one to be pointing the finger. And casting my mind back, your affair was triggered by his lack of attention.



Leahdorus said:


> He didn’t want to lose the friendship (oh, sounds so familiar) but would end things.


So it would appear that you are more virtuous than he.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Roger136913 said:


> Ahhhh I have been there....
> 
> Do you know if he did it in spite? or it just happened as he felt he was not getting the attention and love from you?


He said it was not on purpose. He started talking to her early on when he'd found out about my affair and we were on really rocky ground, briefly separating a couple times. He said she was having trouble with her marriage too and it was nice to talk to someone about it who "understood." I have been doing everything he asked me to do, and more, since ending my affair, and I really doubt that he could legitimately claim he wasn't getting attention or love from me. I have been there for him and have ended all forms of contact with others online - and that feels really good, actually. I am more "there" for my family as I should be.

MT, yes, my thing started because he was not giving me attention, to buried in work or whatever, plus him not able to just talk to me when something bothers him. He just bottled it up and let me do my thing, not responding when I needed something.

More later.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

The point is... is he wanting to put 100% into the marriage now, or what?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

He says he wants to be with me, but at the same time he was talking out of the other side of his mouth, telling her he loves her. He wasn't showing any emotion at all last night or this morning. At first, last night when we were talking, he was quiet for a long long time. I said "I don't even get an 'I'm sorry??' " and then he finally said it. He immediately started saying "we could talk in the evenings before TV," and other things like he wanted to start patching things up right away. And he could have left me at any time but he hasn't so I guess he wants both.

It's easy to talk to her because she's not me and it feels safer. He is not good about confrontation, even minor ones. So he talks to her, not me. And he took it too far but apparently didn't think that was a problem... FOR A YEAR.

I have a horrible migraine.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Thanks Mommy22. I think that's good advice. I don't feel like talking about it right now with him. I need to let the whole thing soak in and consider what I want to do. I think a call to our counselor is in order. Clearly we need a booster shot, at the very least. And an Ambien tonight sounds really good. A whole one, not a half.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

johnamos said:


> Sorry no pity here, a revenge how sweet and then this post.
> See a revenge affiar makes all things even.
> Welcome to the world of cheated on.


in my reading of this post, leahdorus is not looking for pity, she's looking for answers and support.

based on what you wrote, i know we see the world very differently. 

i see a world of forgiveness and you see a world of revenge.

i like my world much better, but you most certainly are allowed yours.

i've observed that many people spend their adulthood trying to get over their childhood.

you have afforded a corollary: many people spend their second marriage trying to get over their first.


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

The way I see it, you need to find a way to talk to him about this. The problem is setting the stage for a productive conversation without anyone feeling defensive.

If he said he's not going to speak with her anymore, you really don't have a choice but to wait and if that happens. Rebuilding trust is so hard to do.

If this continues to nag at your brain it will have affects on your relationship. It could be that now she is on your mind more now than she is on his.

If he doesn't like confrontation, could you maybe start with letters or emails to each other? That way you both could think out what you're going to say without anyone immediately on the defensive?

Something like:
I love you so much honey, and we've been through hell and back. I want this to work so badly, but I need to know that I'm the one you love and I can't feel that way and put everything into this when I think you're sharing too much of yourself with this other person. Even if it is just a friendship, it still makes me very jealous and that is such a destructive emotion. etc.....etc....

I'm just winging it here, but something like that maybe?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Leahdorus said:


> I told him that even though what I did was wrong, I still have the right to insist that he stop talking to her forever. He didn’t want to lose the friendship (oh, sounds so familiar) but would end things.


I'm glad he said he would end things. 

Have you talked about EA's with him? Does he know what they are? If not, I would have that conversation...there's some good info online, but in the end he needs to do what you have done in the last 1.5 years...rebuild trust and understand that anything he would not say or do with you standing there he is likely crossing the line. EA's can be even more damaging than PA's for some marriages if the spouse feels that since there was no physical contact, they did nothing wrong, leaving you feeling hurt and betrayed.


Leahdorus said:


> Yes, karma is a bit*h and now I know firsthand what he was feeling when he found out about my affair.


I definitely think this could be an opportunity for you to share with him how this makes you feel. He will likely relate to most of it and it could be the start of the two of you becoming the friend to talk to, instead of going outside the marriage for that.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

swedish said:


> I'm glad he said he would end things.
> 
> Have you talked about EA's with him? Does he know what they are?


I don't think he really knows what they are, and yes, it would be good to discuss. I'll look for some info online that summarizes what they are. 

What a mess. Thanks for the input, guys.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

excuse the diversion.

i assume the post i replied to was deleted. (i am the clever one aren't i).

i was wondering by whom, and why.

i take no issue with the action, being unfamilar with the rules here.

i truly am just curious.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Maybe that's why I can't find one I've been looking for all afternoon. 

Was the post something about a bird? 

I remember enough to repeat the point of the post, but won't since it's evidently been deleted. 

I just wanted to confirm if it's the one I can't find, that's all.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> excuse the diversion.
> 
> i assume the post i replied to was deleted. (i am the clever one aren't i).
> 
> ...


I still see your post #11...was there another post that was deleted? I deleted some on the thread posted by Johnamos, but with the delete I used you can still see the entries, just not the content...if I inadvertantly deleted one of yours, it would still be showing but I don't see any others by you in this thread.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

thank you for the consideration, swedish, and may i say you're a wonderful people all in one.

i don't believe you deleted any of my posts, at least not yet (smile). and even if you had i wouldn't mind.

they are after all just posts.

i was wondering, for my own knowledge, what john somethingorother had posted that broke a rule.

but my curiosity about the rules is not as important as the issues being discussed here and i've already diverted too much attention away from those very serious issues.

or put another way and quote gilda radner, 'never mind'.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

Sorry, this one got too long. Thanks for all the advice above. Here's the latest:

The past week has been interesting. Right after I discovered my husband’s EA and confronted him, we went camping with a bunch of friends. I put things out of my mind as best I could so we could enjoy the trip. The night we got back, I sat him down and asked him to tell me everything, so he did. Well, I heard what he wanted to share. Then I asked to see his email, right then. He logged me into his account but didn’t tell me the password. I saw all kind of messages between him and TOW going back at least a year and a half, increasing in volume and “inappropriateness”. It looked about 50/50 as to who was initiating messages. I know there were lots of texts and phone calls, and likely web cam chats, IM, etc. 

He promised me I would see a change in him. He said he cut off contact with her. He said he realized now what he did and how wrong it was and he apologized and said he loved me and wanted to work things out.

So… this past week he has definitely been making an effort. A HUGE effort, because it’s like night and day from what he was doing before, when he supposedly was “trying” to repair things. I have been enjoying this new husband, because it reminds me of how he used to be, years and years ago, when he actually seemed happy to see me and be near me. We have had sex 3 times in the past week, and I think that is some kind of record for us, in recent history. 

But I still don’t know if he can be trusted. For a year and a half, he deceived me, making me out to be the only guilty party, making me work hard to earn back his trust, all the while he was fooling around behind my back, not letting himself connect with me emotionally. The other day, I gave him a list with all my passwords (although I suspect he’s been checking up on me for a long time now), and said I hoped he would return the favor. He wrote down his cell phone password, but didn’t offer the emails or his work VOIP line account. So I can see that he has not had any phone or text contact w/ her since he spent 9 minutes on the phone telling her he was ending things. But I can’t see his emails or what’s happening via his work phone. I know how hard it was for me to get TOM out of my head after only a few months. I don’t expect he can drop her cold turkey after 18 months. I HOPE he can, but don’t expect it. I want to check up on him but I know he is getting tired of me asking to see all his accounts. Should I just ask him to write them all down and hope he didn’t set up yet another secret account?

He takes his phone everywhere with him. He can be sending emails from his phone and I have no way to track it. I told him that I get suspicious when he goes into the bathroom for a long time w/ his phone. He asked how he could help me not feel that way, but I don’t know. I want to ask HIM to tell ME what he can do to ease my fears. I’ve told him that even though I hug him back and enjoy the physical touch, it doesn’t mean that I’m not still mad. I’m afraid that if I respond back, he’ll think things are OK. _How do I let this go? I couldn’t sleep last night. Couldn’t stop trying to figure out ways he could secretly stay in touch with her, and trying to figure out how I can get into his accounts. It’s eating me up._


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

your husband is the one (this time around) who has broken trust and so your husband is the one who must fix it.

your husband needs to be completely transparent until you feel safe in your marriage however long that takes.

as reagan once said (not my favorite guy but he did say it) : trust but verify.

your husband should turn over all passwords and phone records to you if you ask. he should even leave his cel phone with you when he goes into the bathroom at your request.

he should do so until you feel once again he can be trusted and recind the request, however long that may be.

if he doesn't like the rules then he can leave. that's fair.

you say you don't want to have to check up on him, and that's a good sign. eventually, you won't feel the need. 

and then you can tell him to change his passwords if he wishes.

i do notice you didn't turn over your passwords until after you wanted his passwords.

that may reflect part of a larger problem as yet unaddressed that would explain the coincidence of both parties in your marriage having affairs.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

recent_cloud said:


> i do notice you didn't turn over your passwords until after you wanted his passwords.


He knows my passwords, and has for a long time. I had recently changed a few, and I wrote those down, as well as gave him my cell phone access, which is through my work so he didn't have it before. Still nothing to hide here, since you can check a long way back in cell records.

He's a tech guy and has ways to get into all my stuff that I don't have into his.

Is it OK for me to ask him to give me all the passwords? It feels like an obnoxious, controlling thing to do, but I don't know of any other way to know whether he's being honest or not.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

it is usually understood that the offending party has to be 100% transparent in order to restore trust.

not only is it ok for you to ask for passwords, he should offer them to you in an effort to start on the path of healing.

there is no control issue. your husband cheated on you using his cel and computer. he tells you he's ended the affair and now he has to prove to you he indeed has. and the sure way to do that is by allowing you access to his cel and computer records.

he should be eager to offer proof he has ended the affair.

with the roles now reversed both of you have a unique perspective on this problem that should evoke empathy for one another.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

mommy22 said:


> I think most people would be okay with him taking a potty break!


yeah, but maybe she should hand him a dixie cup as he walks in and tell him she needs a urine sample, just to keep him on his toes.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

He also plays some online game via his phone. So he is likely doing that in the bathroom too. Can't put the damn thing down. I think he has cut off phone contact but am not sure about the rest.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

then tell him his game playing (pun intended) makes you very uneasy and hurts you, and you want him to stop playing games on his cel, at least for a while, until the wounds heal a little.

he should be willing to do whatever it takes.

but please understand if he wants to have clandestine contact with her he'll find a way. his demeanor when discussing transparency will tell an important part of the tale.

to paraphrase bertrand russel, trust is a thing set on the back of a turtle. and what's under the turtle...another turtle. and what's under that turtle...why, another turtle.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

LOL CRACKberry. I have one and yes I take it EVERYwhere, even to the "potty" it's sad I know. *Bows head and blushes w/embarassment*

That being said YES it's ok to ask for passwords, if he's not doing anything wrong he won't care. Mine never cared about his email or the phone bill until he had sh*t to hide, then he came off w/I need my privacy I'm an adult yadda yadda. Yes baby you are an adult and your wife loves the hell out of you HOWEVER you don't just wake up one day after 2 years of marriage and all of a sudden change the PW to your email that I set up that's been the same for 2 years, or care if I ask you who's number shows up on our phone bill. Ironically he thought MySpace and Facebook were USELESS until we separated. Hmm.


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