# Ex's new boyfriend and impact on my kids??



## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Everyone, I'm really torn up right now.

If you seen any of my other posts, you might be aware of some of my story.

Real quick: been officially divorced since August (that is when the kids found out). She told me she wanted out in March. We lived a somewhat normal life together in house with kids until divorce was finalized. September was spent sharing the house. She moved out in October.

We have joint custody and joint placement (50/50) and we also have the right of first refusal in regards to who watches the kids when one of us cannot.

My relationship with her is tricky. She changed over the past two years. She has become a somewhat toxic person. She does not handle criticism well. She is prickly and touchy. Approaching her with any concerns is like approaching a nuclear device. Will it go off and if it does, how bad will the fallout be? I've found I cannot have a normal, adult conversation with her. This makes co-parenting tough.

I'm working on myself and I find myself in a good place. I'm working on healing mentally and growing stronger. I'm doing everything I can to be the best parent I can be for our two small children (our son just turned 6 and our daughter will be 4 in July).

My priorities are taking care of myself and healing so that I can take care of them. 

I do go out and have fun. I have a pretty decent social life, but it never comes at the expense of them. When I have them, they're top billing. If do things that include them, or I don't do them at all. I have enough free time when I don't have them that I can go out with friends.

Anyway...this intro post sets the stage for what has been keeping me up at night...


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

My ex started "dating" even before our divorce was final. Our relationship was over - she had made that very clear - but she started at least spending time with other guys. She was never obvious about it, but I knew it was happening.

About a month ago, my daughter starts talking about "mommy's friend" and it didn't take a brain surgeon to understand what she meant. I did not pry - it was not my business (I thought at the time). She told me that she was seeing someone a few days later. She went into a long spiel about how she was taking things slow and being careful with the kids and so on. Basically, a lot of stuff I didn't need to know (though the stuff about the kids I appreciated her telling me about). She talked about how her new guy and his two kids (they are both boys, 7 and 5) were over for dinner the night before and that they might do something with them the next weekend. It turns out that meant they were essentially moving in from Friday through Sunday evening. Literally. 

I was a bit floored. Wow. This was moving fast. There was some personal pain involved, but my immediate concern was my kids. How was this going to affect them. In their world, it had only been six months since their mom and dad had split up.

I kept my nose out of it for several weeks, I just observed and tried to make my peace with it.

However, in the past week or so, several things have really brought this whole situation to the fore. The first thing was that she decided it was okay to let her new guy watch our daughter (instead of sending her to daycare) this past Thursday. She was running late and he volunteered to take her back to his place so she could spend the day with him and his 5-year-old. I was shocked. I had never met this guy before. I knew nothing about him. This was wrong for several reasons (and it has been explored in another thread).

I met him that night. He brought my daughter back to her condo. He seemed okay, but then how much can you tell in five minutes? 

The next day, I get an unsolicited message from her boss/friend where she bluntly let it out that she felt I was making the right decisions (putting myself and the kids first) which was more than she could say about the other person involved and she then said that she (my ex) knew that everyone else she worked with thought she was making bad decisions. This is not the first time this has happened. Her other boss (who happens to my a childhood friend of myself and my sister) also contacted me and said basically the same thing, just in a more diplomatic fashion. She did tell me straight up that I'm better off without her.

I sense a "rift" between her and her co-workers and friends. I've had several of them simply check up on me.

I just really worry about how her decisions are impacting my kids. Am I imagining that they seem a little more sad and a little more emotionally overwrought? Am I imagining that they seem a little more clingy when they're with me? Her boss/friend told me she hoped I would be able to stand up for myself and my kids and that I could find the support I needed to do that.

I wonder how much time they get alone with their mother? This guy does not work. I do not know why he is unemployed. I don't know why he is a single dad. I really know nothing about him, but he (and his boys) appear to be there almost all of the time.

I worry about the fact that when my kids are not there, his kids essentially move into their rooms and take over. When I picked up my daughter on Thursday his 7-year-old was hanging out in my son's room, in his bed, and playing on his tablet. This must also go on when my kids are there. This is my kid's space and should they not have the right to feel secure in their space?

My son mentioned to me on Thursday that the 7-year-old is sometimes mean to him. He pushes him around and tries to scare him. I don't know how much is just kids-being-kids, but if my son is being bullied in his own home?

I know this break-up has been tough on my kids. I know this must make things more confusing. I'm torn between keeping out of her business and putting my foot down because I worry about my children. That said, I worry that I'm overreacting. I worry that I'm reading too much into the situation. I feel powerless, but I know my kids cannot really advocate for themselves because they are so young. I'm scared to even bring it up because I know she will take it badly and I worry about the fallout. 

I'm at my wit's end. I would agree that she rushed into this relationship very quickly. This guy seems like a bit of a mess. He kind of has that "sad puppy" look and feeling to him. What she does is her business. If she wants to make mistakes, well, she can make mistakes - but because there are children involved - my children - it complicates things. I can't simply turn away. I've got people telling me I should be worried. I've got people telling me she's making bad decisions (I would think, basically, shacking up with this guy so quickly).

This morning was the end of my weekend and both of my kids were really sad when I dropped them off. They were both acting very sad. There were tears. 

It's like I wish someone would say something to her - even bring up the possibility that the kids are suffering because she's not putting their best interest first...just wish that person didn't have to be me and like I'm said, I'm just full of doubt that I'm overreacting and overreaching.

Help!?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WT, since your divorce is so new you should try to use this time to setup boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and interaction between you and your ex. If you are walking on pins and needles to avoid an episode of her going crazy and there being fallout, then you should step back and remember that she doesn't have any power over you anymore so you don't need to accept or even put up with her mood swings. If she is more hostile in person then try to keep your communications as short electronic (e-mail/text) communications about the kids. If she is blowing up at you then just end the conversation until she is ready to talk like a civilized adult. 

I've followed your posts and we are both in somewhat similar situations and timelines. A little over a week ago I found out my XWW was doing something with the kids and her new bf that I was not comfortable with, so I called her and told her it was not acceptable to me and what my concerns were. While I didn't threaten anything, she knows quite well that if she doesn't parent in a safe and responsible manner I'll take her to court and pull full custody so there was a quick behavior modification to the concern I brought up. Other than the kids I stay completely out of her business and it seems to work pretty well for us.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I think it's too early to start legal action, but you might want to contact your attorney just in case.

I don't think it's fair the kids have other kids invading their space so soon. They might not like it but that doesn't mean it's awful or the other kids are awful but it certainly is a lot of change for them to take in in a very short period of time.

I think you should get them into counseling. I did with my daughter at that age. I chose a family counselor who could understand family dynamics. I told my daughter that I knew there were a lot of things going on and she might have feelings about stuff she doesn't want to talk to me about OR talk about with her Dad. I occasionally met with the counselor when I felt there were problems and I needed advice on how to handle them from a parenting perspective. Because the counselor had the "inside scoop" from my daughter, the advice I received was very helpful.

I didn't know at the time that having the counselor would be beneficial legally. Because I eventually had to go for primary custody for the well-being of my daughter. She needed the stability. The counselor could make recommendations to the court based information from their sessions. The contents of the sessions was still fully private and protected but a counselor could say, for instance, that the children are uncomfortable with this new man and didn't feel they could tell their Mom that. Or that the kids feel better when with Dad. Of course it could be pretty neutral - they just don't like the whole divorce situation but are coping.

The other benefit is the counselor can give both of the kids advice on how to handle things. The older boy is being pushy? Maybe a counselor has some advice on how to handle that. Maybe your child has to go to Mom and tell on the boy. But the counselor can help reinforce what healthy boundaries are and do it in a language that is understood by children.

Good luck.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I think it's too early to start legal action, but you might want to contact your attorney just in case.
> 
> I don't think it's fair the kids have other kids invading their space so soon. They might not like it but that doesn't mean it's awful or the other kids are awful but it certainly is a lot of change for them to take in in a very short period of time.
> 
> ...


Yeah, I would agree with it being too early to push for any legal action. I've thought about taking the kids to see a therapist. Maybe starting with my son. I can tell he is feeling things that he cannot express. I just want them to get through this as unscathed as possible.

I will ask my therapist for a recommendation as to someone that she thinks would be good for my kids. I'm sure me ex will freak...but the kids are under my insurance so I'm paying for it.

They're just so young...it is hard to get a true "read" on how they're doing. My ex just glosses everything over. She wants to believe they're doing okay so she can go off and live her life. I think they're doing okay, but I also see them struggling...and I guess I feel like this new "situation" is really putting a lot of extra strain on them.

I worry about coming across as the jealous ex who is just trying to torpedo her new relationship. I'm not. I really don't want anything to do with her anymore (she's changed that much).


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sure they are sad about all of the changes. And kids feel a kind of pressure to not burden parents. If she doesn't like the counseling make it seem very much not about her. Just tell her what you said above - your objective is to give them a safe place to sort out their feelings without pressure from either parent - their own safe place to express their struggles and get some help with those. Usually at that age it's done through play and the therapist will ask questions about what they feel or what they think - just let them explore their own feelings. Not having it bottled up will be a huge help in and of itself.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I'm sure they are sad about all of the changes. And kids feel a kind of pressure to not burden parents. If she doesn't like the counseling make it seem very much not about her. Just tell her what you said above - your objective is to give them a safe place to sort out their feelings without pressure from either parent - their own safe place to express their struggles and get some help with those. Usually at that age it's done through play and the therapist will ask questions about what they feel or what they think - just let them explore their own feelings. Not having it bottled up will be a huge help in and of itself.


I'm going to do this. It sounds like a really good idea. She won't buy into it as she thinks they're doing fine, but it is on my dime. I feel like I should mention it to her, however.


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## WhyMe66 (Mar 25, 2016)

WreckTangle said:


> My ex started "dating" even before our divorce was final. Our relationship was over - she had made that very clear - but she started at least spending time with other guys. She was never obvious about it, but I knew it was happening.
> 
> About a month ago, my daughter starts talking about "mommy's friend" and it didn't take a brain surgeon to understand what she meant. I did not pry - it was not my business (I thought at the time). She told me that she was seeing someone a few days later. She went into a long spiel about how she was taking things slow and being careful with the kids and so on. Basically, a lot of stuff I didn't need to know (though the stuff about the kids I appreciated her telling me about). She talked about how her new guy and his two kids (they are both boys, 7 and 5) were over for dinner the night before and that they might do something with them the next weekend. It turns out that meant they were essentially moving in from Friday through Sunday evening. Literally.
> 
> ...


Your ex is not providing a nurturing environment. She is allowing this 'person' and his spawn to walk all over her and your kids. I am thinking that the bullying behavior is coming from their dysfunctional household. I understand you cannot address these with ExW but if it continues you may have to petition for sole custody. Maybe even Supervised Visitation for your EW. I would consider calling Child Protective Services and get them involved. It could be that the BF is a little too touchy/feely. This has the effect of bringing out extreme anger and bullying behavior in children.

As for your own recovery and healing, have you looked into the 180 Recovery? I found it to be most helpful.

Good luck


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tough Love here.....

Do your best when you have the kids and let it go when you don't. 

She would have to monumentally screw up to lose custody.

You will drive yourself crazy trying to make her a good parent.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Have a thorough background check run against the guy.

Given that you share custody of your children w/ your ex, you have a right to know as much as possible about anyone living under the same roof as her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is a scab of a situation that will not heal over in the short term. You have a right and a responsibility to put the children's needs and concerns first.

The hell with the Ex wife. She dumped you. The problem with that is you do not know why? Either you are withholding information on yourself or she cannot communicate her feelings.

Your ex comes across as a self-cutter. You and those that know her say she is displaying destructive behavior. She does not use a knife to hurt herself rather she uses her acrid tongue and it is set in motion by her psyche. She may be BPD, have Anxiety Disorder or something along those lines.

After reading your posts she apparently never gave you a reason. She did not try to make the marriage work. I don't know. 

Return the non-favor. Let her stew in her own bile. She will go nuclear? She is a deflated balloon, a shell of a real mom. I am not saying to antagonize her. Just Stand Your Ground.

Tell her what you feel. If she does not like, tough sh!t. Be matter-of-fact but very firm. Tell her to set the children's boundaries while she has all of them. No bullying allowed. Each child should have their own space. His children, also. I am sure his children are hurting, too. That should not be your problem.

Tell her what the children are feeling. Offer to take your children more or totally.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> This is a scab of a situation that will not heal over in the short term. You have a right and a responsibility to put the children's needs and concerns first.
> 
> The hell with the Ex wife. She dumped you. The problem with that is you do not know why? Either you are withholding information on yourself or she cannot communicate her feelings.
> 
> ...


She never gave me a good reason. I think she is just a very unhappy, insecure person and I was a convenient scapegoat. She was seeing (and probably still is) a "healer" who told her she was full of "black smoke" and that our relationship (me) was causing that black smoke.

She believes there is dark energy in the woods around my house (which is why the kids do not sleep well by my house - and they do).

I took a photo last summer, of the kids playing in the playground near our house and she "saw" ghostly images in the photo.

She used to be a "normal" person...but she is obviously making bad choices right now.

If we did not have kids - I'd be able to just cut contact completely and let her do what she's going to do, but because we have kids - I can't just ignore what is going on.

It disturbs me that her friends would contact me about her poor choices (essentially - I think - of moving on so quickly and not putting kids, first).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The reason she picked this unemployed guy is simple. He is more screwed up than her. She can control him. She can emphasize with him. She can look down on him. He worships the quicksand that is her foundation.

His shortcomings, his lack of self-esteem make her problems look less significant. She can comfortably look down on him. That is what she "thinks," she needs at the moment.

Her boat is taking on water and listing. She has massive identity issues and self esteem issues. She cannot take ANY criticism. Uh-uh....the truth hurts....accurate criticism hurts. That is it in a nutshell. She is the flung-flat-stone skittering across the pond. She cannot land. The surface of her watery world will not support her whisper of a premise. 


Bad spot for the kids to be in. They live 50% of the time with two semi-solid caricatures purporting to be parental exemplar....not.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> The reason she picked this unemployed guy is simple. He is more screwed up than her. She can control him. She can emphasize with him. She can look down on him. He worships the quicksand that is her foundation.
> 
> His shortcomings, his lack of self-esteem make her problems look less significant. She can comfortably look down on him. That is what she "thinks," she needs at the moment.
> 
> ...


You hit it pretty darned close (I think). I truly want her to be happy, but she won't be until she gets some real help.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Don't read too much into the friends contacting you. Some people like to get involved where they don't belong.

Yes, I think the kids would benefit from counseling. Before you sign them up, check to see if you have to give her notice of medical treatment involving the kids. It should be in the custody agreement somewhere if its required.

I totally agree that a good parent would not introduce a new partner and his kids so soon. That gets you no where. People are allowed to be bad parents. You have two options. Get on better terms with her to formulate a meaningful co-parenting agreement, or get primary custody. Other than that the only thing you can do is provide the kids with as much stability and support as you can, like counseling, and a stable consistent home with you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your last post says it all. She is delusional or she really is psychic. She sees things that the rest of us do not. Seeing things that are not there and hearing voices. Classic schizophrenia, in my non-qualified opinion IMNQP!

No joke here. Get her help through the State agencies, Child Services, an Attorney that specializes in children's safety.
Do not read any further if you have feet of clay!


____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Me?

I am a curious fellow. I do not believe in Leprechauns. But there are malignant forces that most have no clue about.

I would first contact a good psychic to see if there are real spirits around the property, in the house. I would do a deed search, find out more about the property and immediate area. 

If there is some untoward supernatural activity present, I would tell the ex and children that they need to move....out, and quick!

I would also contact a Jesuit Priest to perform an exorcism in her house and on her property. 
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Your wife has serious mental problems. She is unraveling. But many in this state exhibit ESP. Most mental professionals see the Schizophrenia but not the possibility of ESP. I agree, it is not likely THERE!

Maybe it is. Just a notion, just a thought !!!!!!!!!!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

In some states, the court will insert a "morals clause" in the visitation agreement. The clause typically states that no unrelated adults of the opposite sex can stay the night in the house when the children are in residence. This is a possible option for you, although it could backfire. It's not uncommon for a morals clause to be inserted followed by a rather hasty marriage.

Other than that, I understand how you feel, but there isn't a whole lot you can do. Unless this man behaves inappropriately toward the children or has some kind of criminal record that could demonstrate he is a danger to the children, the court is unlikely to step in. I think your best bet is to get the kids into counseling to help them process and express, try to communicate civilly with your ex, and be a good dad.

Did your ex suddenly become involved with this man or is it possible she was interested in him before the marriage ended and long before the divorce was final?

As far as the BF, what do you know about him? Not much from your postings here. Unemployed doesn't necessarily mean a bum. He's a single dad, so either his children's mother died or he was considered the fit parent by the courts. For all we know, he is raising his kids alone on an inheritance or his wife died (which may explain the sad dog face) and he was beneficiary on her life insurance. Perhaps he was injured and received a settlement that allows him to stay home. Perhaps he was successful earlier in life and he is already retired. No use speculating. If you want to know, maybe consider speaking to him. Ask him to come to lunch or coffee or something and get to know him a bit.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> In some states, the court will insert a "morals clause" in the visitation agreement. The clause typically states that no unrelated adults of the opposite sex can stay the night in the house when the children are in residence. This is a possible option for you, although it could backfire. It's not uncommon for a morals clause to be inserted followed by a rather hasty marriage.
> 
> Other than that, I understand how you feel, but there isn't a whole lot you can do. Unless this man behaves inappropriately toward the children or has some kind of criminal record that could demonstrate he is a danger to the children, the court is unlikely to step in. I think your best bet is to get the kids into counseling to help them process and express, try to communicate civilly with your ex, and be a good dad.
> 
> ...


All good stuff. I didn't mean to sound callous when describing him. I know it is far too easy to find yourself in trouble and I cast no judgement without knowing more about his story. Sorry if that came across wrong.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

WreckTangle said:


> All good stuff. I didn't mean to sound callous when describing him. I know it is far too easy to find yourself in trouble and I cast no judgement without knowing more about his story. Sorry if that came across wrong.


It is a new thing.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

To complicate things...my son is apparently sick. Just a childhood thing, nothing serious...but it is likely he will have to stay home tomorrow. I've basically used up my vacation days covering for sick kids and so on (she has not been very helpful in this regard) so I'm in a bind tomorrow. If he can't go to school, she's told me her new guy volunteered to watch him. I really don't want this. I'm not comfortable with this, but I'm against a wall. My other option is to ask my mom and dad to watch him (both retired...well, my mom is semi-retired...she works in the mornings). My ex doesn't go in until late morning or early afternoon. I really want to ask them to watch him, but then I run into a possible issue with the ex. I'm trying to think of a good excuse to have him go to my mom and dad's without causing any friction. I'm just not comfortable with this guy watching my kids without my ex around. I don't know him. It seriously scares the you-know-what out of me. What should I do!?!

I'm sending my mom and dad a text to see if they are available. Why does she have to make all of this so hard??


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Yes, allow the BF to watch over your son. We do not know anything bad about him, at this point.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

She's already ignored the Right of First Refusal thing. I think you're perfectly justified in relying on your parents to help you out! The less time your children have at your ex's house, the better, from what you describe. Your ex is a flake, her boyfriend is a near-stranger and his children are bullies. You can't control what your ex does on her time, but you CAN control what happens with your children during your time.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Things have taken a turn for the worse since yesterday. As expected, she did not take the news well, but it led to a good discussion. I was honest with her about my concerns. I asked her to tell me a bit about her new boyfriend, to help me get to know him. 

I don't know, she seemed a little to eager to feed be tidbits of his bio. It felt like she was holding things back, like she suspected I knew more than I did.

When I got home, I searched his criminal record (which is easy to do in my state) and the guy has a history. I wish I had found nothing, but I did.

Some of it is old news. He first appears in 1999. The mother of his first child files a restraining order against him. He is then arrested for battery and gets 9 months in county. He also gets nailed for knowingly violating a domestic abuse order (twice) and gets 30 days added to his original sentence.

He is then off the record for awhile...several driving while his license was revoked (FOUR times). Several judgments for money.

He does not really appear again until late 2012 when his wife (who happens to be a high school friend of my wife) files for divorce. This is apparently dismissed, though I cannot figure out why.

The bottom drops out for him in October of 2013. He is arrested for battery to a law enforcement officer (charge was dismissed); criminal trespass (60 days in jail); disorderly conduct (90 days in jail); resisting arrest (90 days in jail).

There are also two motions filed accusing him of domestic abuse. His ex was seeking a restraining order, but both cases were dropped (I'm not sure why).

They were divorced in late 2013 (while he was in county lock up).

He gets in trouble again in early 2014 where he is charged with two counts of knowingly violating a domestic order. He got 1 year in state prison for that one, with 1 year of extended supervision, and 2 years probation. He was also ordered to get treatment for a prescription drug problem.

I'm pretty forgiving. I understand we all make mistakes and that there are two sides to every story. Some of this could have been the result of a nasty divorce, but some of these charges stuck. He has done jail time on several instances. He has apparently also battled with substance abuse.

I hope he has turned a corner. I know there is probably more to what went on than is told in the court records, but I worry. I worry that he is around my kids. I worry that my ex "left out" these details.

My record is clean. I'm by no means a prude or whatever, but I've always lived by a pretty strong moral code. I'm the kind of guy who teaches Sunday school and serves on the board of our local rec baseball league and who volunteers to knock on doors during elections.

What do I do? I'm also pretty weak when it comes to confronting her. I'm scared to think what would happen if I were to say: "guess what, I did some snooping into your boyfriend's past and guess what I found?"

She found herself a true train wreck (and maybe she is one, too).

I thought our conversation ended well last night, but this morning she sent me a text accusing me of thinking she was a bad mother. I asked her why and she said she just "picked up" on some of my comments. She said I used a lot of words like "I" and "our" when discussing the kids, like she was an afterthought. If I used those words it is because I am trying to move on and forge my own life. She's obviously done that and I don't feel "right" referring to what we had as "us" anymore because she has found someone else.

If anything, it is a reaction to the fact that she's already set up house with this guy and his kids and I feel excluded. She told me things last night about how he helps her read stories to the kids at night and how he adores them and how he is very patient with them, but he helps her to "reinforce them listening to me when needed."

This whole situation has become completely fubar!?! Why couldn't she just have found someone not so damaged.

I didn't sleep much last night. I don't know what to do or how to do it!?!


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

WT, you know exactly what to do. You call your attorney, document everything she's doing, and go to court and fight for full custody. The court will grant it because she is not making decisions that are in the best interest of the kids. She is letting a stranger with a criminal history watch them and that is bad parenting. Sorry you are stuck in this mess.

Edit: Forgot to mention that you do not have to be forgiving or understanding of the BF's past when it comes to taking care of your kids. You do what's in the kids best interest regardless of how it makes her or her bf feel.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> WT, you know exactly what to do. You document everything and go to court and fight for full custody. The court will grant it because she is not making decisions that are in the best interest of the kids. She is letting a stranger with a criminal history watch them and that is bad parenting. Sorry you are stuck in this mess.


Me too. Out of everything I've gone through since she first broke the news that she wanted out...this might be the hardest thing to handle. There is no "good" outcome to be had...:crying:


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Since you already have it on record that she thinks that you are the more rational parent, use that statement against her in a family court custody hearing!

It would be rather hilarious to see her own attorney having to cross-examine his very own client!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Bananapeel said:


> WT, you know exactly what to do. You call your attorney, document everything she's doing, and go to court and fight for full custody. The court will grant it because she is not making decisions that are in the best interest of the kids. She is letting a stranger with a criminal history watch them and that is bad parenting. Sorry you are stuck in this mess.
> 
> Edit: Forgot to mention that you do not have to be forgiving or understanding of the BF's past when it comes to taking care of your kids. You do what's in the kids best interest regardless of how it makes her or her bf feel.


Wish I could like this more than once. 

The guy has a track record of violence and breaking the law. How the heck does he have custody?


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

She pushed back about our son this morning. He was apparently too sick to travel and did not want to go to my mom and dad's house. It was basically a power play on her part, hoping I would cave and just say okay, let him stay with her boyfriend.

I did not cave. It put me in a tight spot as I did not want to have the conversation we need to have over the phone or via text. I feel it needs to be had in person.

She dropped them off at my mom and dad's.

I told her we needed to get together so we could talk face to face. I'm going to put all of my cards on the table. I'm willing to give this guy a chance, but I need to hear about his history from her and she needs to understand why I am so nervous about my kids being around him.

I am not going to accuse. I am not going to judge. I'm willing to hear her out. It just needs to be made crystal clear to her that I'm not okay with how this has been handled. If he had a criminal history that involved any kind of violence - I need to know that.

I'm a forgiving person. Maybe he has turned a corner. I don't know that. She needs to understand that this needs to be treated with kid gloves. This isn't going to be a quick process of me just letting go and being okay with this guy being alone with them. His intentions might be fine...but that cannot erase the fact that he has a criminal record that includes instances of poor judgment and violence.

She also needs to know that I'm not okay with her "forgetting" to mention this to me. She said he couldn't get a job as a firefighter because of his shoulder? I think there is more to it than that. I think the whole prison thing would kibosh that.

I want this to work out. I want this to be okay, but she needs to understand that it isn't easy for me to drop my guard when I know what I know.

I'm a little apprehensive about how she will react when I let her know what I know, but I feel I was just doing my due diligence as a dad.

Why can't any of this be easy???


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Acoa said:


> Wish I could like this more than once.
> 
> The guy has a track record of violence and breaking the law. How the heck does he have custody?


My friend and I discussed this last night. Our best guess is that his ex is more messed up than he is?? I do know they are locked in a custody battle. He has custody right now - who knows if that will stick. She originally had it. He somehow got it back once he got out of the slammer.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

WreckTangle said:


> Me too. Out of everything I've gone through since she first broke the news that she wanted out...this might be the hardest thing to handle. There is no "good" outcome to be had...:crying:


A good outcome is you having full custody and she can visit the kids when her BF is not around. 

Your son has already complained that one of the BF's son's is mean to him. The BF has a criminal record. Take quick action on that and protect your kids. 

Be on the look out for cuts, burns and bruises. If you see anything like that, get the police involved ASAP.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Acoa said:


> A good outcome is you having full custody and she can visit the kids when her BF is not around.
> 
> Your son has already complained that one of the BF's son's is mean to him. The BF has a criminal record. Take quick action on that and protect your kids.
> 
> Be on the look out for cuts, burns and bruises. If you see anything like that, get the police involved ASAP.


...or she comes to her senses and realizes what is at stake and cuts her losses with this guy and she doesn't have to lose custody of the kids. That would be a good outcome.

It boggles my mind that she threw me out for really no good reason, but then she takes up with a guy who is just an absolute wreck?

I really had hoped that he was just a good guy down on his luck, but it seems like a lot of his bad luck is of his own making and the history of violence is very unsettling.

I simply cannot understand how she thinks any of this is okay? I wonder how much she knows about his past?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You have shared custody right? If so she can do whatever she wants with her bf when your kids aren't with her, so she doesn't have to get rid of him. Make it clear that your kids aren't to be around this guy or any other felon, and that is non-negotiable. IMHO he could have turned a leaf and be a saint now, but I wouldn't ever take a risk like that with my kids.


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## WreckTangle (Jan 27, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> You have shared custody right? If so she can do whatever she wants with her bf when your kids aren't with her, so she doesn't have to get rid of him. Make it clear that your kids aren't to be around this guy or any other felon, and that is non-negotiable. IMHO he could have turned a leaf and be a saint now, but I wouldn't ever take a risk like that with my kids.


We do have shared custody and I agree: she can do whatever she wants when she's not with the kids.

I would like to believe he's turned over a new leaf. Maybe he has, but I would be a bad father if I simply chose to keep my mouth shut and hoped for the best.

I need to talk to her about this and I need to make it known that since of his past it is going to take a little longer for me to be able to trust him.

I don't think I'm being unrealistic in that demand. 

If he was just a "normal" guy with no history I think it would be much easier to accept him and to feel comfortable with him around my kids.

That said, he's had a history of some pretty shady stuff and that needs to be spoken towards. It cannot be brushed under the rug and if we didn't have kids it would not be my business, but since we do...it is my business. Lord knows I wish it wasn't, but it is.

I need to be 100% satisfied that my kids are okay and that they are not around someone who could possibly harm them. It's called commonsense, really, and if she cannot see that...I don't know what to say.

Here's the best outcome. She and I talk about it and she is understanding and I get to know the guy and he truly has become a better person and I grow to trust him and I get to the point where I'm more than happy to let my kids hang out with him.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You are free to take that approach but it is a poor choice. In general you don't ever want to be a parent that approves of his kids hanging around a convicted felon. If you go to court you have a very strong case if you never allow it. Right now you could call your attorney, get an emergency hearing, and have full custody with what she's doing. Remember that your job as a father is to make the best choices for your kids. I just don't see how letting this situation continue to unfold with your permission (a lack of action is implied permission) is a good choice. To me it is failing your kids. 

Your conversation with your XW should be: "I do not approve of our children associating with a convicted felon. You are free to date him when the kids aren't around. You may not let the kids be around him. This is non-negotiable." Then if she resists you call your lawyer. The thinking that you might get to know him and trust him eventually is messed up. You don't owe your XW anything but you owe your kids everything. Step up and act like a man and stop this situation decisively.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Wow! I really know where you are coming from. My exH moved his girlfriend into our house 5 minutes after I left. The impact on my children (especially my 5 year old) is just terrible. The children do not get to see their father without her being there. Her son is also a teenager and sometimes stays in the living room on weekends. I do not trust her at all! The last straw came when she thought it would be a good idea to verbally abuse and threaten me on the phone. The situation is a mess! She drinks A LOT of alcohol and smokes like a chimney. I reported her to the police and I'm keeping my children with me until we attend mediation. As far as the law is concerned where I live there is nothing I can do to keep her away from me or my kids. So it's like this...one of the kids or me will have to get hurt first before the law will do anything! It's crazy! I can imagine the stress is unreal for you also. Like your EX mine also thinks it's totally fine to leave our kids with her while he's out and about! People move on when relationships breakdown but the kids should be considered carefully. I think you have a good case for full custody of the children.


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