# Tried to leave...depression set in



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

But I came back after a 5 month separation. My nerves went on me, I lost 40 lbs and started to cry non stop. Anti depressants only made me sick.
H was texting me and dd up to 30 times a day. He was major guilt tripping me about not being a Christian, not forgiving him, he threatened to jump off a roof several times. He bought flowers, left coffee on the porch every day. He worked me from every angle. He had a 3 year PA which he put down to PTSD from his only friends death, its was the widow he was PTSDing with. He's convinced our son that it was only an EA. DD at 14 knows nothing about it. 
Now I am full of anxiety and can hardly keep my hands from tremoring. He acts all loving and considerate. 
I was so shattered that I would have returned home to Charles Manson. I'm ashamed I was so weak. I've always run my own business, taken lots of stress and lived with him for many years. He estranged me from my family. So I had little support. Both sisters cut us off ten years ago. He had a heart attack 4 years ago during his PA which also made it hard to leave.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Any advice or comments?? please


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Oh, Indiecat, my heart just breaks for you! I truly don't have much advice, but please know that you're not alone. I'm in close to the same situation, except I haven't left and I gain weight instead of losing it! 

My husband suffers from an undiagnosed medical condition, which has rendered him disabled. His PA took place five years ago... just before his condition got really bad. Somehow, though, he has found a way to transfer his guilt to me. He was also diagnosed two weeks ago with PTSD as a result of something that happened in childhood. 

The emotional roller coaster is a nightmare. I have cried so many tears in the past few months that I should be shriveled up, by now. 

Here's the thing that you have to remember (okay, we BOTH need to remember): YOUR HAPPINESS IS IMPORTANT, TOO! Emotionally abusive spouses (and I'm fairly certain your H will qualify for this description) have a knack of making you feel... less. Less independent, less intelligent, less attractive, less able. IT'S A LIE! You said yourself that you've run your own business for several years. If you did't have your proverbial poop in a group, you would have failed after the first year or two. You are worthy, Indiecat. Worthy of peace. Worthy of happiness. Worthy of all this life has to offer. Don't allow him to guilt you into a life of misery. :nono: Shake him off and move on to the light of a new life. 

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks!
I went to see a therapist today and made the mistake of telling h, silly me, being honest.
He wanted to know if she taught me any ways to cope? I said we just had a general chat, he got very uptight because I wouldn't tell him all she said. It was just general stuff anyway, about deciding what I wanted etc. He told me that I had hurt the kids when I left last time, well I left because he had been yelling at me for months that I wanted him dead, following me from room to room, badmouthing me to our son. He said that was due to the pills he was on. He said that I did a cut and run, well I was afraid to tell hi that dd and I were leaving, his behavior was that out of control! So I am the bad guy. 
You are so right, for years he implied that I needed to lose weight etc. He estranged me from my family by calling my bil's to tell him that bil had a minor drug arrest record. Of course he says that was years ago and shouldn't count now, it's MY families fault if the hold a grudge. 
I can't get him out of the house, the laws here allow both spouses to stay until a divorce is final. I worry what it will do to the kids if mom leaves again. My 21 year old son doesn't like me anyway, his dad filled him in on every one of my transgressions, like not returning his texts constantly when I was away.
Were you able to put the PA out of your mind? Do you have many triggers?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Indiecat, your story is heart breaking!

Your husband is manipulating you and you are letting the guilt he heaps on you drive your decisions. I am so worried about you!

Stay in therapy but stop answering questions from your H. It is none of his business! He is not entitles to know what you talk to your therapist about, no one is BY LAW!

Come up with an answer that shuts the door on further questions and practice saying it over and over and over so that you don't have to think of something when he badgers you.
H: Do you saw your therapist today? How'd it go? What did you guys talk about?
You: It went okay. I'm very uncomfortable talking with you about MY therapy right now. please don't ask me any other questions about it.
H: I just wanted to know if you're okay and what you talked about?
YOU: I'm not comfortable discussing it with you, please stop asking me questions about it.
H: You can't even talk to your husband about this stuff?
You: I'm very uncomfortable that you keep asking and I keep saying I don't want to talk with you about it, now please STOP asking me questions.

then you just repeat and repeat and repeat. It's called the broken record because you aren't changing your replies no matter how he changes the question. You keep using the same words every single time, every single time, every single time. You can distract yourself by mentally counting how many times you have to repeat the same words. You can even give him a clue by marking down check marks each time you have to answer his question.

This can be a boundary that teaches you to enforce other boundaries. Because your H has you so muddled up, second questing and doubting yourself, just take one boundary at a time.

Hope you're doing okay?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I will take your advice and keep seeing the therapist and not tell h. He says therapy just wants to make people split.
I've been very down and confused, I hated the isolation of being alone when I left, but have so little love for the man that it's really hard. He tries to be nice and helpful, but he was nice and helpful to OW too. So it makes it hard. 
I'm taking Zoloft, so far just gives me the night sweats.
Sometimes I really think it would be easier to just not wake up in the mornings I've put up with so much crap and all it's got me is shattered nerves.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Indiecat, you said you've been estranged from your family for 10 years... You really need support right now. Please consider reaching out to them and begging for a reunion. Tell them your marriage is over, but you need the strength to leave. Tell them you are being manipulated and keep falling back into his mind traps. Tell them you need them for strength, clarity of purpose, and to help you maintain your conviction. Reach out to your family and let them support you! 

Would you turn away from them if you received a similar call?


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Indiecat:

Anon Pink is good. Anon Pink is wise. I understand completely where you are when you say it would be easier just not to wake up. I would never do anything to harm myself, and I truly hope that holds true for you, as well.

My last IC session, my therapist asked me what it was that I really wanted. I simply replied, "Peace." It is very hard to turn to family, or anyone else for that matter, when you think they think badly about you. You have to remember, though, that you're not responsible for the crap your husband said to them. Explain to them that you tried so hard to make your marriage work, but now you understand who this man truly is. 

I'm estranged from my oldest sibling. I can promise you, though, if she were to call me five minutes from now and tell me that she was in the situation that you're in, I would move Heaven and earth to help her out. 

Just like Pink said, call your family, keep going to therapy and know in your heart that you are leaving to find sanctuary for yourself and your daughter.

Blessings,
Mattsmom


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Me Too! I've been estranged for my oldest sister for two years now and like Mattsmom said, if she reached out to me for help I'd drop everything to answer the call.

How are you doing today Indiecat? You still hanging in there?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When I left last August I did talk to my oldest sister, she was quite cool with me and told me I was probably sending mixed messages to my h. which I probably was. She never called me after that. My middle sister I saw after my mothers' cancer surgery in October. She talked around me but never to me and really wouldn't talk to me. Our father also has cancer and again she didn't talk to me at the hospital last month. She had only invited me and not h to her children's weddings a couple of years ago and I foolishly said I didn't feel comfortable going alone and she holds that against me.
Today I've been crying all day. I'm too messed up to leave, I feel so weak and stupid. 
My h has been so nice and helpful, but I don't trust him, and that makes me feel bad too. He says I can't let go of the past and maybe he is right. But I have so many triggers. Like we were at my parents for Father's Day (my parents do talk to him but my sister's won't be there when we are) and my h started talking about his heart attack he had 4 years ago. And all I could think of was that the moment I left his hospital room he was calling the OW ( I saw the phone records). Maybe I am the one at fault for having these memories pop up all the time. 
I really fear losing my mind. If there was a way to feel trust and closeness to him I would. He has tried to make me happy, we went away for a weekend in February. The whole time I had chest pain and felt anxious and took sedatives to cope. 
My parents wanted me to go back with him, because my being all alone and calling them crying and losing weight worried them so much. 
I told h last week I am unhappy and he told me I had caused the kids enough pain when I 'cut and ran' last time. 
If dd were older I would just leave, but she's 13 and just going into high school. She told me she hates this house and all the bad memories in it. 
Thanks to you all. Maybe I am nuts and other women could have gotten past all this and been happy by now.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

indiecat said:


> I told h last week I am unhappy and he told me I had caused the kids enough pain when I 'cut and ran' last time.


So nice of him to put it all on you.

He cheats, blames it on PTSD and when you kick him to the curb he tells you that you're hurting the children.

If you want a relatively normal life, you must leave this man.

Anything else, well you might "get by" and avoid the sharp pains in the short term, but it's just a bandaid on a ruptured artery.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

indiecat said:


> When I left last August I did talk to my oldest sister, she was quite cool with me and told me I was probably sending mixed messages to my h. which I probably was. She never called me after that. My middle sister I saw after my mothers' cancer surgery in October. She talked around me but never to me and really wouldn't talk to me. Our father also has cancer and again she didn't talk to me at the hospital last month. She had only invited me and not h to her children's weddings a couple of years ago and I foolishly said I didn't feel comfortable going alone and she holds that against me.
> Today I've been crying all day. I'm too messed up to leave, I feel so weak and stupid.
> My h has been so nice and helpful, but I don't trust him, and that makes me feel bad too. He says I can't let go of the past and maybe he is right. But I have so many triggers. Like we were at my parents for Father's Day (my parents do talk to him but my sister's won't be there when we are) and my h started talking about his heart attack he had 4 years ago. And all I could think of was that the moment I left his hospital room he was calling the OW ( I saw the phone records). Maybe I am the one at fault for having these memories pop up all the time.
> I really fear losing my mind. If there was a way to feel trust and closeness to him I would. He has tried to make me happy, we went away for a weekend in February. The whole time I had chest pain and felt anxious and took sedatives to cope.
> ...



You're not nuts! A pox on that SOB!!!!! 

I know it must seem like a terrifyingly vulnerable position to willingly put yourself out there but...

*Call your sister today!*

Tell her:

I really need you right now please don't turn me away. I need to leave and I have tried but my life is a mess because he has got me turned inside out and upside down. Please I need my sister right now.

It's the summer time. Make plans for you and your daughter to go stay with your sister for a week or two, if not in her home than in a nearby hotel. 

You need to get away from your H and clear your head! 

Your kids will heal. You will only get worse and worse as time goes on with this man. You must get away into the arms of people who love you.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks, I can try, my 'nicer' sister lives in town and I can ask her if she would meet me for lunch. If she says no I'll just have to accept it. 
My best friend has cut me off now that I've returned to h. That breaks my heart even worse. I've called and emailed but she ignores me. She said that dealing with me reminds her too much of her own failed marriage. 
My parents both have cancer which is really hard to watch.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Don't give you sister the opportunity to say no.

You've been tossed overboard from a sinking ship in the dead of night. Waves are breaking around you. Youre not sure how much longer you can tread water. By some miracle, you see the lights of another boat come close enough that a rescue is possible. 

What do you do?

Do you wait patiently, hoping they spot you, hoping it's not too much trouble to help you? 

Do you scream you bloody head off, and tell them you need help?


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I can try, but when I was on my own and so desperate last year I called her a few times and she said I should not send mixed messages to my h, and that I should see a counselor. I asked if she could come see where I was living and she was not interested. 
She will listen to me if call her but that is all. She won't invite me to her house, she doesn't trust me not to leave h and she finds him toxic. 
Also our father is dying and it's just really bad right now, she is the oldest and is doing the most for our parents (their choice). Her teenaged daughter is also causing her grief. And her diabetic h. does nothing to manage his diet and lays in bed all day. So she has problems too!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry to hear that about your sister and extended family's problems.

You know, sometimes people turn away from us because they get to feeling like it's a hopeless situation, they feel like no matter what they say or do, the other person is going to jump right back into the fire and the hurts and burns will start all over again. 

Do you have a pattern of reaching out for help, then going right back to a bad situation? It's feels like taking in a sickly stay cat. You nurse them back to health and then they take off as soon as they're all better...so you learn to give only a little bit rather then throw your whole self into fixing..


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

It's true. I don't know where to go from here.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I don't know what to say either. It seems you have been at the cross roads for so long, weeds have grown up around your feet and moving them is doubly hard. if you go back with your husband, are you really MOVING toward a marriage and relationship or are you simply falling backward. If you move in another direction away from that marriage, you must gather the strength and conviction to pick the feet up out of the over grown weeds.

Keep going to therapy.
keep thinking about making concrete plans to move out and get yourself healthy.

Sometime fear is what holds us back. The unknown has much more promise than the known, at this point.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks Anon. 
We are living together, I did leave for 5 months and dd loved it. It was me that could not take the isolation and she would text me about how unhappy she was and that got to me. He was texting her up to 25 times a day when she was with me. It got so hard being away from her. She's 14 this year, so in a few years she'll be able to have a say in things. I pray I can do another year or two. 

I appreciate your help, I know it's frustrating for anyone to hear about this. Other women are just so strong, they realize they don't trust anymore and just make up their minds and go.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

indiecat said:


> But I came back after a 5 month separation. My nerves went on me, I lost 40 lbs and started to cry non stop. Anti depressants only made me sick.
> H was texting me and dd up to 30 times a day. He was major guilt tripping me about not being a Christian, not forgiving him, he threatened to jump off a roof several times. He bought flowers, left coffee on the porch every day. He worked me from every angle. He had a 3 year PA which he put down to PTSD from his only friends death, its was the widow he was PTSDing with. He's convinced our son that it was only an EA. DD at 14 knows nothing about it.
> Now I am full of anxiety and can hardly keep my hands from tremoring. He acts all loving and considerate.
> I was so shattered that I would have returned home to Charles Manson. I'm ashamed I was so weak. I've always run my own business, taken lots of stress and lived with him for many years. He estranged me from my family. So I had little support. Both sisters cut us off ten years ago. He had a heart attack 4 years ago during his PA which also made it hard to leave.


You almost sound like the female version of me several years ago. Family had left my sphere, wife was (probably certifiably) insane, and I was going to leave her. Then she got cancer. I couldn't leave her then, too much guilt. But then her cancer got under control, and to this day she's in remission, and I'm not with her. So I get the part about the heart attack making it hard to leave. But eventually, I did anyway. You can too. 

Do you work? Is there a way for you to get room and board for you and your child? When you left for 5 months, how did that go other than what you posted about texting. 

And don't buy into the Christian guilt trip crap. If HE was a Christian, he never would have cheated on you. Jesus taught us that, as did Moses long before then. I hate it when people throw religion at you when they are hypocrites and don't live by the word they try to guilt you with (such as clergy, preachers, regular folks -- it happens all the time). I love Jesus and he is my savior, but God's word gets perverted for peoples' personal gain. Don't let him do that to you. 

Sorry, sounds more like a rant than help, but I mean it as help. Your guy pisses me off.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

When we left I was guilt ridden for leaving the family. Silly I know but I was wracked with guilt. He would email me that I had torn apart the family. I got so lonely and it seemed that some days he would be the only one to call. He would say that we had to spend a lot of time together because the Christian MC recommended it. 
He would get upset if I brought up his A. saying that the past was dead and we shouldn't mention it. I try not to, but there are so many triggers. 
How did you get the strength to leave? Did you leave? Do you have kids? 
He acts so helpful, always pointing out what he does around the house to me. It confuses me. 
I'm afraid if I leave he will scheme a way to keep dd full time. She's almost 14 and wants to leave, she loved the condo we had and was very disappointed in me when we came back. But like I said my nerves went I couldn't keep food down. So he was my rescurer so to speak. At that time I could not bear one more night alone, sobbing myself to sleep. I really felt I walked out on the kids. I HAVE to get over this. 
Thanks
I do work and make a good living. He demanded dd half the time which she hated. If I leave again I'll have to pay spousal support and child support. But money is not the issue.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Indiecat,

Here is what I hear, and my thoughts for you.

You are in a struggle for your life. I am not exaggerating.

You are hurting really badly, more than anyone possibly knows.

It must feel so unbearably lonely.

Hope, when you can get it, is probably too much of a burden. So, not having hope is a relief sometimes.

The one you had trusted to love you and care for you has, for whatever reasons, failed you in horrendous ways, and now, through his continued mistreatment and manipulation of you, is destroying what bits of you that are left.

It is for these reasons I say you are in a struggle for your life.


There are things you say that instantly sound to me not like you talking, or the truth, but rather your depression talking. Lots of people struggle MORE with lesser stressors than yours; some would struggle less. BUT: So what? You are who you are, and you are where you are. Give yourself permission - no, an imperative - to stop beating yourself up about it and save every scrap of energy to get yourself to a place mentally that you can build on and survive.

Your husband's "advice" and good deeds are toxic.

Do not give up your IC, and REFUSE -- ANGRILY IF YOU MUST -- to talk about it at all with your husband. He is threatened by the thought of you achieving mental health and clarity and forming your own view of your life with him. I suspect he is so damn threatened by that prospect he will prevent it at all costs - including your mental destruction.

Read up on the traits/behavior described at outofthefog.net. See if any sound familiar.

Is your IC "good"? There is a broad range of skills and competency/incompetency and it is EXTREMELY important that you figure out how well your current therapist is working for you at the moment.

As scary as all that sounds, I have hope for you. People are able to learn what has kept them confined in a deadly situation. People are able to kindle the will to survive and achieve happiness and health. And, somehow, people find the courage and skills and support and guidance to get there. Sometimes what gets folks moving in the right direction is the bounce from hitting bottom. Maybe you just bounced.


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