# Too Weird



## wattodo (Aug 23, 2011)

My wife and I have been married for a year and a half (together for 6yrs. total). Recently I discovered that she has been texting her sisters boyfriend an unbelievable amount of times. I went through the phone bill and was shocked to see over 1200 texts in a 7 month period, all deleted on her phone. 
First of all let me say I knew they were friends already. His personal life is crazy and my wife tells me that she is the only one he can talk to(according to him and her sister). He works in the music industry and frequents night clubs, and when he's in town he invites my wife out. She usually brings a friend, but one night about 7 months ago she went out with a friend and ended up being dropped off by him at 6am. She told me he was having issues with his brother(who used to date my wifes sister too, totally Jerry Springer), and they just talked all night, not in his hotel room ofcourse, in the lobby at a table she says. I took her explaination to be the truth but was skeptical deep down. She's gone out on several occasions with him since then and I said nothing.
When I saw the phone bill I confronted her and she said I was being insecure. I asked why the messages were deleted, and she said everything from "you would over react to I was clearing up memory". 
The texts were mainly when I wasn't around or when I was sleeping, all hours of the day and night...2min. after she gets out of work...first thing in the morning...while i'm next to her in bed...2am,3am,4am,5am..you name it. 
She admits that he was flirty in some of the texts but she wasn't. She denies any type of sexual relationship. She says sorry, she wasn't trying to disrespect our marriage, she was just trying to help him and be there for him. I still don't believe her and i've been upset about it for days now. I can't stop being pissed off, especially with her innocent little attitude and minimizing the situation. I asked her to take a polygraph if she is so innocent and she says no, I should trust her. I feel that even if it wasn't sexual, it's still wrong.. I don't know what to do.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Dude, this is easy. Tell your wife that if she doesn't stop this totally inappropriate relationship, you will show the text logs to her sister. Done.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

She is lying, call her sister tell her about the number of text messages . Your wife is in an affair , stop this now before you lose control .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

wattodo said:


> I feel that even if it wasn't sexual, it's still wrong..


:iagree:


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

wattodo said:


> My wife and I have been married for a year and a half (together for 6yrs. total). Recently I discovered that she has been texting her sisters boyfriend an unbelievable amount of times. I went through the phone bill and was shocked to see *over 1200 texts in a 7 month period*, Red Flag #1 *all deleted on her phone* Red Flag #2.
> First of all let me say I knew they were friends already. His personal life is crazy and my wife tells me that she is the only one he can talk to(according to him and her sister). He works in the music industry and frequents night clubs, and *when he's in town he invites my wife out* Red Flag #3. She usually brings a friend, but one night about 7 months ago she went out with a friend and *ended up being dropped off by him at 6am* Red Flag #4. She told me he was having issues with his brother(who used to date my wifes sister too, totally Jerry Springer), and they just talked all night, *not in his hotel room ofcourse, in the lobby at a table she says* Well of course she said that.... I took her explaination to be the truth but was skeptical deep down. *She's gone out on several occasions with him since then* Red Flag #5 and I said nothing.
> *When I saw the phone bill I confronted her and she said I was being insecure. I asked why the messages were deleted, and she said everything from "you would over react to I was clearing up memory". * Red Flag #6 this is called gas lighting you - trying to make you think your crazy...
> *The texts were mainly when I wasn't around or when I was sleeping, all hours of the day and night...2min. after she gets out of work...first thing in the morning...while i'm next to her in bed...2am,3am,4am,5am..you name it. * Red flag #7
> She admits that he was flirty in some of the texts but she wasn't. She denies any type of sexual relationship. She says sorry, she wasn't trying to disrespect our marriage, she was just trying to help him and be there for him. I still don't believe her and i've been upset about it for days now. I can't stop being pissed off, especially with her innocent little attitude and minimizing the situation.* I asked her to take a polygraph if she is so innocent and she says no, I should trust her* Red Flag #8. I feel that even if it wasn't sexual, it's still wrong.. I don't know what to do.


With all those red flags it looks like you've got a problem... You need to intervene fast.


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## wattodo (Aug 23, 2011)

You're all saying what i'm thinking.. I guess i'm just in denial. I'm going to call her sister and fill her in.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

wattodo said:


> You're all saying what i'm thinking.. I guess i'm just in denial. I'm going to call her sister and fill her in.


Good luck!


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

...and get the book "More Than Just Friends".
You will see yourself (and her) all over this. 
Make her read it with you.

Your entire story is SO perfectly adhering to The Script for WW, unfortunately. Read it here on this forum and learn, sir. She is exhibiting all the classic red flags that sigma points out. I am sorry you are here. Brace yourself, you're in for a rough ride. I promise you that you are in for more than you think right now. Good luck to you.

If I told you my wife sent over 1200 texts at all hours of the morning to a guy that she was out with till 6am IN A HOTEL... but "I believed her story", and when I confronted her further about my discomfort with it all she told me I was simply being an untrusting, insecure husband.... you'd call me a fool. 

Just sayin'...

An what is keeping you from insisting on that polygraph you threatened? You are being played.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No kids? Leave her now.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your wife slept with OM, I'm sure you were hoping for her to say yes to the polygraph.

If she was smart (or innicent) she should of said yes, you propablely would of blow the test off.

Insist on no contact, if she refuses, then expose it to everyone, asking for there support in repairing the marriage.
The point to this is to make this affair as inconvienent and as uncomfortable as possible.

You can't control her but you can give her the choice between you or OM. She will label you as controling, but rebut that with the simple fact that it is her choice and you will no sit by while she continues. 

Do not beg for the marriage, be confident that you can move on. The perseption you show will get her to second guessing her choice. If you do beg and cry, it will show her that you are weak and will tolorate her behavior, and empower her to continue with this affair.

As weak and as confussed as you feel, you need to show her the additude that you are confident and will move on with out her.

Perseption and additude are everything here, if she believe you are truely serious in leaving she may want her marriage more then the OM, then again she may want the OM, point is do not let her "cake eat".

Once you get her to stop all contact with OM, you still have a long raod ahead of you with working on the other problems in your marriage that cause her to stray and the ways to prevent this from happening again.

Right now work on the NC, if this won't happen it may be time to "just let them go"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Can you put a voice recorder in her bag or car? 

It definitely sounds suspicious. It's crazy she said the only person he can talk to is her (and not her sister--his girlfriend).


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

Definitely tell your sister in law. Get her point of view on the issue. She may be unaware of the extent they are communicating. Although, if they are close, sisters never like to believe this kind of things about eachother, so she may be in denial. 

Your wife is supposed to be your rock, not his. The OM should be confiding in your sister in law, not your wife. I imagine this may cause a rift in their relationship as well. You need to insist on NC. Even if nothing has happened up to this point (hard to believe), it is just a matter of time. If she has admitted to him flirting with her, then it has gone beyond that. She is not being completely honest with you. If he has been flirty, the last thing she should be doing is going out with him in an environment that will promote risky behavior (i.e. drinking at night clubs, being alone in a hotel). 

If she is not willing to cooperate you need to stay firm on what you need to make things right. If that includes a polygraph then so be it. She has crossed a boundary, and now it is up to her to do the right things to repair the damage done to you. If she is serious, she will. Don't fear her response when making these accusations or requests from her. If she is indeed being honest with you, and there is nothing to worry about she will oblige willingly to ease your fears. Good luck!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Funny...when you asked her to explain the phone bill, she didn't give an explanation-she got uber defensive and more or less told you that you were too sensitive, demanded you trust her and to back off.

CLASSIC cheater responses.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

clb0208 said:


> definitely tell your sister in law.
> 
> Your wife is supposed to be your rock, not his.
> 
> If she has admitted to him flirting with her, then it has gone beyond that. She is not being completely honest with you.* if he has been flirty, the last thing she should be doing is going out with him in an environment that will promote risky behavior *(i.e. Drinking at night clubs, being alone in a hotel).


bingo!


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

If it walks like a duck...


best wishes,

GM


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

First, decide whether you want reconciliation. She almost certainly had sex this guy. If she did, are you willing to reconcile or will you divorce? If you are willing to reconcile, do you have conditions, or will you let her sweep this under the rug and ignore it?

If you wish reconciliation, but are willing to divorce if she doesn't cut off contact, then tell her that. Tell her that she is to cease all contact completely. Then you should monitor her activities. If she had a smart phone, install spyware on the phone that will let you read the texts she is sending him.

Also, she should be completely transparent with you. You should have access to her phone, email, Facebook, etc. If she balks at this, you have to be willing to leave her.

Read the 180 for dealing with reluctant spouses and start working the checklist.
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forums: Divorce busting 180 degree list


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

over 1200 texts in a 7 month period, all deleted on her phone.
I asked why the messages were deleted, and she said everything from "you would over react to I was clearing up memory". 
The texts were mainly when I wasn't around or when I was sleeping, all hours of the day and night...2min. after she gets out of work...first thing in the morning...while i'm next to her in bed...2am,3am,4am,5am..you name it. 

Enough said. I hardly ever delete my messeages and even my H says he does not ck my phone, I know thats not true I have seen him. I never lock my phone just the number pad so it won't push buttons and call numbers. He has all access to my phone. If she deleted his messeages and left the rest then there is more. Get to the bottom of things. She is lying through her teeth.


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## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

See usually, i'm the first to jump to a conclusion.

But let's face it, before we jump the gun here, he has no proof his wife cheated. So why put that into his head? Is she behaving inappropriately...not from his thread. Is she mistreated the OP...doesn't look like it.

Look, i too would be PO'd if i found out my wife had text a guy 1200 times, but i wouldn't openly accuse her of cheating without proof. 

To me, thus far, his wife has used poor judgement, and has gone over what i consider PROPER BOUNDARIES. But like i mentioned above, i need more proof than this. No i don't need to catch them in the act. But like we've seen on here before, we need more of the tell-tale signs. 

- More interest in her appearance, ie make up or working out.
- A change in behavior, or routine.
- Is she now coveting her cell all of sudden, won't leave the room without.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

WTF would this other guy be texting a married woman for so often? C'Mon I mean face it, NO MAN needs to text another knowingly married woman for ANY reason.
Hes hoping to wedge himself in there, get a little close, start talking about his problems in marriage, poor me, and look I have a weenie!

Its sort of what makes me know that my stbxw's OM and I arent "done" yet.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> See usually, i'm the first to jump to a conclusion.
> 
> But let's face it, before we jump the gun here, he has no proof his wife cheated. So why put that into his head? Is she behaving inappropriately...not from his thread. Is she mistreated the OP...doesn't look like it.
> 
> ...


Even though I disagree (to me there's plenty indication of AT LEAST an EA; I call that cheating), the actions required on his part are still the same, and the fact is she is minimizing it. Waiting around for a smoking gun is NOT the way to go.

He's not safe in his marriage currently, and needs her to work with him to DO something about that. Her transparency, taking a poly if he wants her to, and I'd say MC for sure to get to a more mutually-respectful place in the marriage. 

If she's got nothing to hide, why has she refused a poly?

Again I repeat: classic indicators, far too many to ignore:
_...*she has been texting her sisters boyfriend an unbelievable amount of times*. 
...was shocked to see over 1200 texts in a 7 month period, *all deleted *on her phone. 
...*being dropped off by him at 6am*
...*I asked why the messages were deleted, and she said everything from "you would over react" to I was clearing up memory". *
...*texts were mainly when I wasn't around* 
...*all hours of the day and night...first thing in the morning... 2am,3am,4am,5am..you name it.*...
...*admits that he was flirty *
...*I still don't believe her and i've been upset about it for days now. *
...*minimizing the situation*
...*I asked her to take a polygraph if she is so innocent and she says no, I should trust her*._


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Eight serious red flags in the OP's one post and he shouldn't be on serious alert and taking action? Anyone of the eight I agree isn't damning in and of itself, but there is a preponderance of evidence in that post that something illicit is going on.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

Rob774 said:


> See usually, i'm the first to jump to a conclusion.
> 
> But let's face it, before we jump the gun here, he has no proof his wife cheated. So why put that into his head? Is she behaving inappropriately...not from his thread. Is she mistreated the OP...doesn't look like it.
> 
> ...


Confiding in or sharing an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse is cheating. Weather or not sexual contact was made is a mute point.

gm


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Geoffrey Marsh said:


> Confiding in or sharing an emotional connection with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse is cheating. Weather or not sexual contact was made is a mute point.
> 
> gm


:iagree:


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## WifeyRes (Mar 19, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Can you put a voice recorder in her bag or car?
> 
> It definitely sounds suspicious. It's crazy she said the only person he can talk to is her (and not her sister--his girlfriend).


:iagree: dodgey


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread was from last yr


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