# Q to Ladies that have been introduced to TAM



## ericthesane (May 10, 2013)

My story is long winded and problematic. Wife and I dont get along very well. While I know that details matter, and context is everything I do have a question to the ladies of TAM.



One of the things that I have been contemplating in way of 'doing something' is to simply send a link to this forum to wife, tell her that our issues are not unique, that my needs are not unusual, and that 'real people' have found support and help from peers in these kinds of forums.

So, for those ladies that are in here that was introduced to TAM by their husbands... did you 1) initially get offended, 2) reacted positively because husband tried 'something', 3) got an eyeopener... ?

were there other channels that was what brought you here, or was it based on surfing the net because 'I need insight and help' or was it because a friend or acquaintance sent you here ?


Short about me/w: 48/49, 2 kids (d13, s 10)... no passion, no physical relationship, but conversations of everyday matters and ideas and news are frequent, no conversations about 'us'. Concepts such as Marriagebuilders, or getting outside help via councilors dismissed as 'they only deal with theory' and most of them are men who will 'take your side'. Most tangible symptom of our issues: Next Wednesday will be the 2 year anniversary of when we last had sex.....


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

I wasn't introduced to TAM that way...I'm not sure there are very many wives who were, but I can think of a few husbands that were.

However there is one wife (GettingIt) who found this place herself and it helped her realize some of the things her H had been saying were true for other men.

I'm all for it, go ahead and share a link with her, invite her here...talk with us. If both of you share your stories, people can help better.


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## omgitselaine (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband and I had an argument one evening and he mentioned how our disagreements and issues are nothing compared to " other " couples !?!? 

The next day he sent me a few links of what real and worse issues people have and not for nothing since that day I've ( we've ) appreciated one another much , much more !!!

Funny thing is that we can't even remember what we argued about ??


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think it would be a very good idea to ask your wife to come here, OP. My husband and I are both here and we learn a lot.

Last Sept. 30th I typed in "dependent on husband" on Google. I couldn't understand why I was always leaning on dh, and felt like I was betraying feminism. 

The Google search led me onto Tara Palmatier's website, where I lasted fewer than five minutes. I could not believe the hatred of women there! There was a link to NMMNG, and I quickly escaped the Palmatier site. 

On NMMNG I read about stuff I was not familiar with, like sexless marriage and the idea that men should leave the room when their wives yell at them. Dh and I were both shocked at that idea, that a man would abandon his wife when she needed him most.

Someone at NMMNG mentioned TAM, and I started lurking here. Then I joined and told my story. Dh joined a month later. It really is fun to discuss the posts and participate together.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I am more cautious. There was a couple on here who acted out their painful drama right here. And it was UGLY. I wonder if because they were on the internet if the feeling of anonymity that they were free to say some pretty horrid things. I only hope that they did not speak to each other like that in person!


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

ericthesane said:


> Most tangible symptom of our issues: Next Wednesday will be the 2 year anniversary of when we last had sex.....


According to this thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/75873-draft-letter-wife-female-feedback-appreciated.html

the last time you had sex was June 2012. Off by a month--meh. But if you are keeping track literally to the day you might want to reexamine your calendar.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Philat said:


> According to this thread:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/75873-draft-letter-wife-female-feedback-appreciated.html
> 
> the last time you had sex was June 2012. Off by a month--meh. But if you are keeping track literally to the day you might want to reexamine your calendar.


Philat!! How about, "It has been about 2 years toooo long since we last had sex!"


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## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

In reading through some of your story - you already know what the problem is, and no amount of work on your part has succeeded in solving the issue. While this does not mean that you are not a part of the problem, it does mean that the solution is beyond you alone. 

You know what the next step is, you just need the fortitude to do it. It needs to be a positive step for you, and not a vengeful negative swipe at your wife. You file for divorce, and leave. No fanfare. No emotional outbursts or anger directed at your wife. 

You admit to feeling as a roommate, and have for some time, so all you are doing is severing the "legal" bonds. You are aware that a loving relationship has an intimate, and yes sexual, aspect - and your relationship no longer has that, and hasn't for some time. By staying, you are tacitly agreeing to that relationship structure, no matter what your words say.

This change my alter the dynamic. It may "awaken" your wife - or it may not and you continue down the path. What is clear is that continue to stay the course will simply slowly drive you insane. Save yourself - because none of us can do it for you. We can be by your side to listen and support.

Best of luck brother.


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