# Removing resentment



## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Due to various things she has done over the last couple of years I resent my wife. 

I was hopping I'd get some kind of grand apology for the last major screw up on her part and that that would help me get over it but a genuine unsolicited apology hasn't been offered. 

Two years ago I was happily married now I don't know which way is up. This is due to crap shes put me through over the last couple of years. I hate that shes put me in a position where I'm not 100% certain I want to spend the rest of my life with the person I've spent half my life with.

Day to Day married life is currently very good and pleasant but I just can't shack resenting her. 

Anyone out there manage to shake off resentment towards their spouse?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

One way is to lower your standards in what you want from a partner. Think carefully about this though, since your likely settling for less than what you want. A relationship should be a rewarding experience. If not, then you should evaluate if it is better to leave, work on it, or put up with the problems. Can you still be happy with your wife if you lowered expectations and accept her for who she is currently?

Next is to detach and see her from a more neutral position. She might be worse, or not as bad as you believe. Chances are though, with the love tinted glasses removed, she will appear less stellar to a neutral you. A detach you is either going to leave her, or ask her if she wants to stay married to you, she has to work on herself. You will likely find out how strong her commitment is towards you. Either way, you will be fine with or without her. Chances are, whatever is causing your resentment, if it is constantly ongoing, it will eventually destroy your love for her.	The first thing I suggest is communication. I mean expressive emotional communication. Tell her how you feel and do it without trying to attack her. This is your feelings that you are owning. Talk to her about the anger that you feel, and whatever other emotions that you are going through. If she is not an active participant in this conversation, then your in a relationship of one or none. If you cannot make a connection to her, that means no one on the other end is receiving your transmission.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Have you told her all that. Word for word. If so what was her response?


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## Tabitha (Jun 17, 2014)

The person you first fell in love with is still there, it's just that the lenses through which you view her have lost their "falling-in-love" frosting which dims undesirable aspects (which were always there, just not seen because you weren't going looking for them). 

So something has happened to cause that frosting, that tinting, to come off and now you're focused on the undesirable stuff....well, what you focus on usually increases in your experience. You keep "looking" for it, and you'll usually find it--she can't help but offer it up for you to see. HOWEVER, you can just as easily choose to look for the GOOD stuff in her and try to amplify that. SHE doesn't have to change for you to feel better, but YOUR thoughts do have to change for you to feel better. Stop making her responsible for your happiness. 

If she offers up an apology, that won't change one thing about what transpired in the past. But, you think you'll feel better if she apologizes. See--it's about how you think you'll feel. YOU are in charge of your feelings, not anything she says or does. Stop "giving" her control over this.


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## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

OP, I hope I am not being too nosy...
but you said 'day to day your married life is currently very good right'?
Then why do you resent her? Can you give some examples that she did to make you feel resentful toward her? Like what kind of situation did she put you under? 

"Resent' is a strong word, she must did something that so terrible for you to feel that way. 
I am struggling with alot of things between me and my boyfriend, but never once I feel 'resentful' against him.

Communication indeed is the key; but sometimes if two people 'value' are so different from each others, even with communication it still won't solve the roots of the problem.

But I agree with the above poster. First talk to her, and try to work it out with her before decide to leave. You make a wow in your marraige, so try to stick with it. Leaving/divorce should be the last option.


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## BucksBunny (Jan 6, 2015)

Thank you Newtoheartbreak that was a very open, honest post. If you can talk like that with your W you’re well on way to building a strong relationship.

Maybe she don’t feel need to open say sorry for any thing if you did not make clear you were hurt. Maybe we are different people but to me talk is cheap. Many say it but showing it is another thing, got me thinking “I love and respect you” is not said often in my home in words but every action and deed screams it to us both from him making me just the sort of coffee, I wanted this morning and putting it in front of me without being asked. 

To him going to closet and pulling out clean cloths he likes at weekend all fresh and pressed to the Moroccan chicken I am cooking for dinner every bite he takes will scream I love you.

So short answer many ways of communicating to me and verbal is over rated in relationship.

Just my humble opinion and thoughts.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Due to various things she has done over the last couple of years I resent my wife.
> 
> I was hopping I'd get some kind of grand apology for the last major screw up on her part and that that would help me get over it but a genuine unsolicited apology hasn't been offered.
> 
> ...


Of course acts of contrition and displays of remorse and heartfelt apologies on their part helps. However you may never get that. A big part of forgiveness and letting go of resentment has to do more with us - the injured party than it does the person that hurt us.

Part of not forgiving is a way we protect our selves, close ourselves off so that we are further removed from any hurt should we be hurt again. On a certain level conscious or not, not letting go is a way to keep reminding our partners of the wrong that they've done as if it will further inoculates us as a couple and will prevent them from doing whatever it is again. It's like we think that if we forgive them and the past becomes water under the bridge, they will forget what they did and be more likely to do it again. 

What is hard to see when you're in this state of mind is that it's very toxic way to be. Whereas you may have a partner that is sorry and remorseful in the aftermath of their affronts on you and the marriage; eventually you may wear that away with your constant blaming, reminding and unforgiveness. Counter-productively, that may cause THEM to resent YOU. When/if that happens, you will only confirm to yourself that you were right all along - that they were never sorry and resent them more. It's a vicious cycle. 

I have been the remorseful party in friendships. Said something I didn't mean in the heat of the moment, felt badly about it and apologized only to have that apology thrown back in my face. Apologized again to same friend, only to be ignored. To me that was/is just as damaging to the friendship as what I said out of turn. Eventually, like I said above, their rejection/refusal to accept an apology from me (especially as this person owed me an apology of their own but I was being first to extend the olive branch so to speak), became the focus and not the fifty-percent I was responsible for in the argument.

On the flip-side. I've been the injured party in my own relationship. I've felt the hurt, the resentment, and pain. I know it's an ugly place to be. The first step for me was to make the choice to let go of resentment and forgive. That didn't mean it was an instantaneous experience and that I FELT it right away. It'd be a lie to say that it happened so fast.

What I found that was being open to forgiving/letting things go allowed me to suspend those hurts and resentments in the air. They were still there for a while but no longer allowed to be the focal point in my line of sight. 

Secondly, I actively focused on what was going right. You say your marriage is on better terms/going okay now but if not for the resentment and hurt you are feeling. Something I did was focus more on the good things and also actively work with my partner to create more good and positive experiences. For every one bad memory, I hoped to replace it with two. Keeping a gratitude book for a while also helped me feel more positively about my spouse. Any positive thing he said or did that day, no matter how small, no matter how grand got jotted down in a journal. It is very easy to take for granted what they do right/what's going well in your marriage when you're looking at it through a filter of resentment. Writing things down was a useful exercise for me to feel more positively about my partner. The more positive I felt, the less resentful I felt. 

Lastly, another thing I did and STILL do is address things as they happen. I used to be more conflict avoidant in my relationship and sweep things under the rug or avoid discussing them. That's a great way to build resentments! Even perfect couples hurt or piss each other off once in a while. So when that happens now, I don't stuff my feelings anymore. It gets dealt with NOW. Doing it this way prevents things from building and adding to resentment.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Resentment over what?


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Thanks for the kind words.

Have been trying to focus on the positives in relationship and most of the time it does help but every now and again I get stuck thinking about her with resentment.

She is well aware what I have to be upset with her about. I don't like bringing it up directly due to the response I get. We're going to start marriage counseling soon, which I'm kinda off dreading as I'd rather let sleeping dogs lie. Off course I know we have gotten to the point where we need independent help to move past a rough patch. 

She did a number of things much of which I've posted previous threads I've started. The big one is I feel she sabotaged a lucrative carrier opportunity by making it almost impossible to get enough sleep to perform well at work. I wasn't fired I was just one of a small portion who were laid off when the company lost a contract, I don't blame the company at all but I know had I been at by best I would have stood a much better chance of holding on to that position.

The result of this was losing our visa in the country we were living in and returning home in debt, which she doesn't seem to care about in the least.


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> Thanks for the kind words.
> 
> Have been trying to focus on the positives in relationship and most of the time it does help but every now and again I get stuck thinking about her with resentment.
> 
> ...


You're making a good decision to go to counseling. Dogs don't sleep forever...


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel and your resentment.

Also, accept that YOU are part of the issue. After all you are putting up with this treatment THUS enabling her to do it more. Heck, this latest episode didn't even involve apology and you seem to be ok with that.

I wouldn't be. If someone is not truly sorry and apologizes to me (sincerely).....than that means they are NOT sorry or care about me/our marriage.

Simple as that.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> I don't like bringing it up directly due to the response I get.


This right here is something you need to focus on.

In a relationship, you should be able to go to your partner and talk to them about ANYTHING. 

Without fearing the response or WHATEVER.

IDENTIFY the response first though. Is it defensiveness, rug sweeping is it verbal abuse.

Once you identify WHAT the response is, you can bring it up to her (and the councilor) and help her deal with it.

Sounds to me like she is steamrolling over you with whatever concern you might have.....which is not good.

She also knows this approach works.....which it does, based on what you wrote here.


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## Green Eyes (Nov 20, 2014)

What was she doing to prevent you from having sufficient sleep? At that time did you discuss it with her letting her know you weren't able to function as well at work without restorative sleep?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> She did a number of things much of which I've posted previous threads I've started. The big one is I feel she sabotaged a lucrative carrier opportunity by making it almost impossible to get enough sleep to perform well at work. I wasn't fired I was just one of a small portion who were laid off when the company lost a contract, I don't blame the company at all but I know had I been at by best I would have stood a much better chance of holding on to that position.
> 
> The result of this was losing our visa in the country we were living in and returning home in debt, which she doesn't seem to care about in the least.


It's very hard for me to believe this entire chain of events was your wife's fault, like there are multiple layers of things I don't quite believe. Can you perhaps elaborate? How did your wife stop you from getting enough sleep? How did this impact your performance? Are you saying your poor performance led to your company losing the contract? How do you know you wouldn't have been laid off even if you performed better?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Also wondering how the debt happened.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Most of the time sleep was disturbed my arguing just before bed which could drag on for a while, other times it would be more extreme. I took to often going to bed after she was asleep to so we wouldn't be arguing in bed which helped but as I had to get up earlier then her for work I still wasn't getting enough sleep. Also tried sleeping in a different room but she would take offence to that.

She was told to cut it out and that if she didn't it was likely to cost me the job and us residency in the country we were living in. After months of telling her this she did improve but the writing was on the wall. 

Some one was going to lose their position at the company I was working for when they lost the contract but it didn't have to be me and not sleeping made it an easy choice for the company. 

Majority of debt was to cover a one off medical expense the remainder being credit card debt she had hid from me (covered in another thread). Thing is I borrowed money off family to pay for her medical expense which makes it harder to accept she doesn't seem to care about paying it back (she says she cares but her actions at times say otherwise). I think she wanted me to lose the job so we would have to move back to our home country (which played out) even when it would only been 6 more months there and we would have been debt free. 

I don't resent her all the time, some times especially lately its actually really good.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

It takes two people to argue though. What were you arguing about all those times? How little sleep were you getting? I'm still having a hard time believing this is all your wife's fault. Maybe accepting some responsibility for your own poor job performance would help you get over the resentment.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Alternatively, I would ask you to consider what you are saying about your wife. You are describing her as the kind of person who would deliberately sabotage her own husband's job. Do you really believe she's that kind of person? If so, I kind of wonder why you are married to her in the first place.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

"Maybe accepting some responsibility for your own poor job performance would help you get over the resentment."

Tried this but after she cut it out I was actually doing ok/good at work (by this time unbeknownst to me the decision of who was leaving had already been made).

"Do you really believe she's that kind of person? If so, I kind of wonder why you are married to her in the first place."

Quit possibly and obviously I didn't think she was that kind of person when I married her. To be fair to her though she didn't want to live in a different country any longer (she didn't out right say it though) and at time didn't care about money. This whole episode has been eye opening as far as learning how capably she is of manipulating a me and/or a situation.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

NewToHeartBreak said:


> ... tried sleeping in a different room but she would take offence to that.


OK, so she took offence. Her call. But you needed your sleep.

The thing is: did moving to a different room become 'part of the arguments' that you were having? eg you tutting, sighing, complaining, snide comments, hostile body language about it, her following you in to the other room with 'got to talk about this now'? More subtly, did you say or imply 'I stay in the other room until you fall into line'?

Or was it a genuine, balanced attempt to deal with a practical problem eg "I'll sleep in the other room alternate nights for the time being, I miss being next to you but I need my sleep".

And - what consequences are there for her, now that you have this debt to pay off and (I assume) a lesser-paying job to finance the paying off? Angry and hostile = no birthday present for her ("we can't afford it"); or measured and practical ("we have to pay back $X each month first thing each month out of my paycheck"). *Are* you paying *anything* back regularly, or are you leaving the debt sitting there festering as a contribution to staying resentful?

Resentment = leakage of repressed anger. It's bit like taking on a mortgage. The anger hasn't been expressed, and it's now like a capital debt, sitting inside you. The resentment is just the 'interest' on the debt. It's not paying off the debt. And the interest rate is high. So yes, it's worth trying to get the problem sorted. Are you able to express anger to her? So many cultures (including mainstream Western culture) have problems with it.

You're not going to be able to 'remove' the resentment, like cutting out a tumour. It's something that needs to be worked through.


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## NewToHeartBreak (Jul 8, 2014)

Sleeping in the other room was a genuine attempt to get get sleep, some times it worked some times it meant the argument carried on much longer as she would follow me to the room. I'm not saying I wasn't an ass hole at times though. 

Caught my self been an ******* over money since i.e. "we can't afford this" when really I was thinking "you don't deserve it" and have tried to measured since. Debt is being paid off by the two of us, provided we stick to our financial plan/budget unless a large unexpected expense crops up we will be debt free by the end of the year.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

It takes two people to argue, if you didn't want to argue just go to sleep, she can't argue with you when you are sleeping. I think you are just as much to blame for loosing your job. I say forget the past and live in the present, sounds like your marriage is on a better track now.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I have been sleep-deprived at work many times and it has never affected my job performance (in a high-pressure job) to the point that I risked being cut. I mean how few hours a night were you getting?


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## Mr.D.E.B.T. (Jul 19, 2012)

Why did you marry her? I'm sure when you first got married you saw her as someone that would help you reach your lifestyle goals. She probably saw you the same way. That's the mindset you need to get back to, so try dating again as if you have little to no history. You both sound like you could use a break from the norm.


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