# Whey can't they admit fault?



## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

My wife had what she said was an EA. But after further investigation it has become apparent that she was involved in a full blown affair that destroyed his family and is the the process of destroying our family. My question is why can't either of the two cheaters admit that they were at fault in the break-up of the marriages. Both of them blame the spouse. My wife has went so far as to tell people that me and this man's ex wife were the ones having the affair. I've never seen such deception in my life.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Because they are liars and cheaters. Oh and who ever she told that you were the one having the affair, I would drag her in front of them and ask her to her face, who had the affair? Have you separated finances yet?


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

Yes,when I moved out one of the first things I did was separate my finances. That was not before she let everything in my name go unpaid for five months. It has been a horrible ordeal. We have two children together who she has repeatedly manipulated to try and get at me. The other couple has a two year old that has to come from a broken home thanks to this affair. It is unbelievable that amount of selfishness that goes with an affair. She did all of this after nearly fourteen years of marriage. I'm doing everything I can to make things as stable for my kids that I can. It is so hard seeing my kids suffer because of what she did.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

You're doing the best you can under the circumstances. Stay strong.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

tkdan: "I'm doing everything I can to make things as stable for my kids that I can.

Good for you. :smthumbup: 

Am sorry she did this to you and is being such a fool. 

"Oh, the webs we weave....when first we practice to deceive...". 

Please try not to speak of your issues with her to the kids, hard, I know but very important. Kids likely will need to see someone on their own to "vent" to in an appropriate fashion, with NEITHER you or your stbx present. 

That is what I did when my dh was such an sob.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

What difference does it make if they admit fault or not? Are you looking for redemption, vindication? Kind of pointless at this stage.

Focus on getting the financials straightened out and looking after the kids. Of course she will try and use them against you but the best thing you can do there is damage control. And the kids will try and manipulate both sides sooner or later as well...

It might not be your mess to have made but you will have to clean it up...

Preacher


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

I do not involve my kids in any of this, I wish I could say the same for her. Well before the affair became exposed our teen daughter told a group of her friends "my mom is going to divorce my dad and he does not know it, and my mom is going to be with someone else". After everything became known one of my daughter's friends told her mother what she was told who in turn told me. I could not believe my wife would include our daughter in her nasty little affair. I did confront her about it and she just shut down as usual. I'm trying to stay strong for my kids. It is very physically and emotionally draining knowing that my kids are going through so much.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Give your kids some credit...if they are older they are less likely to be manipulated easily...and if they already know what's going on then it's easier.

The only thing they might not understand is why but then again, neither do the adults when it comes to affairs and the breakup of a marriage.

I think you're stressing way too much...sounds like your kids will be fine...but be there for them if they have questions or they need you.

Preacher


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The decision to have an affair inherently means being deceptive. They lie to their spouses, they lie to each other, often they lie to themselves. They will lie about lying. I found it both shocking and tragic in discovering the lengths my ex-wife would go to. In the scheme of things, I don't think she's a bad or evil person, but her willingness to lie to my face and attempt to convince herself and me, that I 'pushed' her into an affair was behavior I wouldn't have imagined her capable of.

Don't get hung up on it. No one is going to accept responsibility or fault when they are clinging to denial. I believe at some point for the cheater, lying becomes a self-defense mechanism to mask their own guilt about the choices they have made and the impact it has had.

The other thing you can be relatively certain of, the more collateral damage an affair causes, the more likely that relationship will fail as well.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

> I believe at some point for the cheater, lying becomes a self-defense mechanism to mask their own guilt about the choices they have made and the impact it has had.


Yeah she must be going through a ton of remorse. She looks like she is not healthy at all. She lost a lot of weight and not in a healthy way in a not eating way. Everyone that has seen her has told me how ill she looks.



> The other thing you can be relatively certain of, the more collateral damage an affair causes, the more likely that relationship will fail as well.


Something my counsulor told me, no relationship birthed in sin ever prospers, and if the sin is adultery that is the way it will end.
It appears that they are not together now sense he has moved ten hours away. Kind of hard to have a very intense relationship at that distance.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Sorry you and your children are having to go thru this. I've been there and I certainly know how hard it is. A cheater will do so much lying to cover up the affair. They then begin to believe the lies. Unbelievable! It is equally unbelievable at the amount of damage a cheater causes. Yet, they BLAME the spouse for their actions. That's what is eating at me in my situation; I just want an apology. Be strong!


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

I don't really care about an apology as much as I do not want to be blamed for what she did. I told her there is no justification for having an affair. Just say I messed up and we can all start the healing process. I feel it is the least she could do for our kids.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Assigning blame really doesn't move the yardstick one way or another. You both have different perspectives, and each of you think the other's perspective is wrong.

An important factor to consider if reconciliation is your goal:
The affair isn't the issue. 
The circumstances that precipitated the affair are what you both need to address. The affair is the _result_ of the issues.

It is important to recognize and acknowledge what problems existed in your marriage - and to what degree, each of you contributed to the breakdown.

To make any real progress, either for yourself or as a couple, you will need the help of a third party; a counselor or therapist.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

> Assigning blame really doesn't move the yardstick one way or another. You both have different perspectives, and each of you think the other's perspective is wrong.


I'm sorry but I do not believe there is any justification for having an affair!


> To make any real progress, either for yourself or as a couple, you will need the help of a third party; a counselor or therapist.


I do see a counsulor, and we did spend four months with a marriage counsulor that she manipulated in order to continue her affair. She had the therapist tell me that accusations and suspicions were counter productive to working on our marriage. That I needed to demonstate trust, which she used as a way to have more time with this man. You do not know how many times she would make me feel guilty, telling me "you will never trust me" while she was continuing to carry on in her affair. She promissed it was over with him and that she wanted to work 100% at fixing our marriage and was lying the whole time. That type of deception goes beyond, things were a little shaky and she made a mistake. She took advantage of the fact that I was willing to do anything to fix our marriage including not questioning her on where she was going and what she was doing so she could continue to carry on with this other man.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

tkdan said:


> I'm sorry but I do not believe there is any justification for having an affair!
> 
> I do see a counsulor, and we did spend four months with a marriage counsulor that she manipulated in order to continue her affair. She had the therapist tell me that accusations and suspicions were counter productive to working on our marriage. That I needed to demonstate trust, which she used as a way to have more time with this man. You do not know how many times she would make me feel guilty, telling me "you will never trust me" while she was continuing to carry on in her affair. She promissed it was over with him and that she wanted to work 100% at fixing our marriage and was lying the whole time. That type of deception goes beyond, things were a little shaky and she made a mistake. She took advantage of the fact that I was willing to do anything to fix our marriage including not questioning her on where she was going and what she was doing so she could continue to carry on with this other man.


Don't misunderstand me, by no means am I trying to justify having an affair.
Given the details you laid out, I'm hoping that you _aren't_ trying to reconcile. Our circumstances are more similar than you think, right down to attending counseling and lying to the counselor as a stall tactic.

My point is, that nobody decides to have an affair and rip their partner's heart out on a whim. In our case the problems were sufficient to warrant divorce prior to my wife's affair. The affair was the factor that made me decide to pursue divorce instead of reconciliation.

I wouldn't assume to know exactly what you are feeling, but I distinctly remember the lies, my discovery, and then more lies. 
Feeling the utter betrayal that your partner would use trust as a weapon. The pain was intense, both physically and emotionally.


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## tkdan (Dec 2, 2008)

The pain is still strong. And no I'm not even considering reconciliation. I just want the best possible outcome for the kids sake. They are the innocents here. I realize she did not just decide to do this out of the blue, but the issues that lead to it were nothing that could not have been overcome had she confided in me instead of another man.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

tkdan said:


> She had the therapist tell me that accusations and suspicions were counter productive to working on our marriage. That I needed to demonstate trust, which she used as a way to have more time with this man. You do not know how many times she would make me feel guilty, telling me "you will never trust me" while she was continuing to carry on in her affair.


Wow! That sounds familar too. During one of the few times my stbx and I went to couples counseling, he did that too. He was cheating and denying it. Even when I had proof there in my hand, the therapist told me I had to learn to trust what he told me. I replied to the counselor that he had to learn to tell the truth first! That's the day I found myself a very nice individual therapist and began trying to put my life back together. It is just unbelieveable what some humans are capable of! As I've said many times, cheaters lie so much. Then they even begin to believe their tales.


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