# Social media and relationship problems! So stupid and ridiculous!



## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

I've posted several times on here and have been separated from my husband since January. I'm pregnant and due the end of this month. My husband had a gf for about six weeks during this time and left her and came back wanting to work things out with me. We've been off and on with arguing and unresolved issues, etc... We both have a facebook and decided to delete it and focus on our marriage as this has been a distraction and problem for us before. Well I found out he got back on fb when I didnt know about it so I got back on after seeing this and after a big argument he deleted me from his fb and fact that he was married. During this time of off and on spending time, trying to work on things which was mostly chaos and arguing, he added his recent ex gf of six weeks to his friend list. I asked him to delete her and why would he do that and he stated if we were off and on again so much he was not going to delete her as a friend if we werent together. Now he has almost giving me what I think is an ultimatum - delete my 600 or so friends and just keep family only and THEN he will delete the ex and get down to his family only. He said if I dont do that then I dont want my marriage and I am choosing internet over him. I have no problem deleting fb or any social media and work on my marriage. However, I dont like the fact thats what he is basing whether he will work on marriage or not and fact that he accepted the ex and is keeping her until i delete and get rid of mine altogether. I feel like he's being controlling and manipulating. He says he knows I wont do it and when I dont he will know that I chose that over him.......I know this all sounds like junior high stuff and ridiculous. I just dont get it or know what to think of it. Any opinions or thoughts????


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## jdlash (Jun 18, 2012)

You delete your friends and he will delete his gf. That's the craziest thing I've heard. If she is still on his FB, she is still his gf. 

Why should you have to pay for his lack of trust due to being a cheater? If you deleted your fb, it wouldn't solve a thing with him.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

For this very reason FB sucks a$$


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

It does sound like junior high. If he believes you won't do it, I would love to see his face if you did! Whatever happens with fb it will not solve your problems. On fb or not, his gf will still be his gf. MC would be a good route at this point.

And people don't understand why I don't do fb!


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

This has nothing to do with Facebook.

And that's where people get all up in arms about 'Facebook'.

Facebook is no different than having an address book full of telephone numbers.

It's about boundaries.

He doesn't respect yours, why should you respect his?

Now, that does sound childish, but it's what it comes down to.

Facebook is just another avenue for boundaries.

He clearly doesn't want to work on this, he just wants his cake from you.

Are you okay with that?


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## nursemama (May 27, 2012)

He is clearly not dating this girl and has spent most free time with me so I know it is not his girlfriend....however, I am not naive and stupid enough to not know he could be keeping her on the backburner. And who am I to say he's not in contact with her on some level. What I'm not understanding now is that he's basing working the rest of our marriage out on IF i delete old fb for good and just have new one with family only to keep in touch. And IF i dont do that he will walk away. He says "the problem with women I dont like him friends with will be solved if I just delete all mine and start anew" because then and only then will he get rid of his which in turn gets rid of the female fb friend......sounds ass backwards to me and so much other stuff has happened with us I just dont see any genuine sincerity on him wanting his marriage that bad if this is what it is coming down to. I feel like maturity level is total opposite for he and I right now.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> This has nothing to do with Facebook.
> 
> And that's where people get all up in arms about 'Facebook'.
> 
> ...



I agree it is about boundaries. It also seems he is trying to put the responsibility for his continued relationship with the OW on you (you didn't delete your friends so I am still with her). Don't let him. The fact that he may continue to have an affair will not in any way be your fault. 

Up, I think fb makes it easier to cross those boundaries. If you have an address book, you have to go and pick up the phone and/or go out and meet up with someone. On the Internet, that person comes right into your home. Its easier to keep it a secret as your spouse isn't going to ask where you were. I realize that the computer is a tool, a thing ('guns don't kill people; people kill people"), but i do think its a tool that makes crossing boundaries easier. easier.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

nursemama said:


> He is clearly not dating this girl and has spent most free time with me so I know it is not his girlfriend....however, I am not naive and stupid enough to not know he could be keeping her on the backburner. And who am I to say he's not in contact with her on some level. What I'm not understanding now is that he's basing working the rest of our marriage out on IF i delete old fb for good and just have new one with family only to keep in touch. And IF i dont do that he will walk away. He says "the problem with women I dont like him friends with will be solved if I just delete all mine and start anew" because then and only then will he get rid of his which in turn gets rid of the female fb friend......*sounds ass backwards to me* and so much other stuff has happened with us I just dont see any genuine sincerity on him wanting his marriage that bad if this is what it is coming down to. I feel like *maturity level is total opposit*e for he and I right now.


This has nothing to do with maturity.

And everything to do with him wanting complete control over you.

He controls your friends, your actions, and what you do .. by waving around "or I will leave" in your face.

For the rest of your life.

Just so he can go behind your back and keep ex girlfriends on the rope in the event you ever do regain some sort of self respect and boot his @ss to the curb.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> I agree it is about boundaries. It also seems he is trying to put the responsibility for his continued relationship with the OW on you (you didn't delete your friends so I am still with her). Don't let him. The fact that he may continue to have an affair will not in any way be your fault.
> 
> Up, I think fb makes it easier to cross those boundaries. If you have an address book, you have to go and pick up the phone and/or go out and meet up with someone. On the Internet, that person comes right into your home. Its easier to keep it a secret as your spouse isn't going to ask where you were. I realize that the computer is a tool, a thing ('guns don't kill people; people kill people"), but i do think its a tool that makes crossing boundaries easier. easier.


They could just as easily meet someone at the bar, or talk to someone on a bus ride and get there cell number.

Never ever having to go on Facebook. Or Myspace .. or any social media outlet.

It comes down to boundaries and the lack of morals / respect they have for there spouse to even consider starting an emotional connection (which could lead to an affair).

The online thing, is all about the fantasy. The joy of not having to actually DEAL with this person 24/7.

They are the yes men. Feeling crappy about your marriage? Just pop online! Bob will be there waiting!

He even said so in the last e-mail he sent.

What's amazing about Bob too, is that he's in a sh!tty marriage as well! (imagine that!)

So hey! There's a great idea!! Two emotionally irresponsible and neglectful people should start spending every waking moment together in a pity party of narcissism while there significant others are the only ones actually working.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> They could just as easily meet someone at the bar, or talk to someone on a bus ride and get there cell number.
> 
> Never ever having to go on Facebook. Or Myspace .. or any social media outlet.
> 
> ...


Not to get too far off on a tangent, but I think it is the fantasy aspect that gets people in over their heads. Perhaps it is ease of being involved with someone you only deal with in a fantasy world that gets people sucked farther and farther in. Starts out as a light-hearted game and devolves from there. Yes, I know it could happen in a coffee shop, or at work or anywhere else, but I think the fantasy aspect makes it seem not so real until it is. But, of course, you are right, it comes down t boundaries and lack of morals.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Frostflower said:


> Not to get too far off on a tangent, but I think it is the fantasy aspect that gets people in over their heads. Perhaps it is ease of being involved with someone you only deal with in a fantasy world that gets people sucked farther and farther in. Starts out as a light-hearted game and devolves from there. Yes, I know it could happen in a coffee shop, or at work or anywhere else, but I think the fantasy aspect makes it seem not so real until it is. But, of course, you are right, it comes down t boundaries and lack of morals.


Well, I also strongly believe that we as a society (and I suppose as a species) just are not able to handle how much information is out there now.

We were not meant to be able to interact with every.single.person in the world.

Of course there will always be someone who might be 'better for you', and guess what, there will always be somebody who will be 'better than the person who is better for you'.

Easy to come to that conclusion when it's all a click away.

Doesn't mean it's the best option. Rarely is.


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## Frostflower (Jul 22, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> Well, I also strongly believe that we as a society (and I suppose as a species) just are not able to handle how much information is out there now.
> 
> We were not meant to be able to interact with every.single.person in the world.
> 
> ...



Totally agree with everything you've said! 

The idea of 600 'friends' is mind-boggling. How will kids growing up with this ever understand what a real friend is?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

I think it would be interesting to call him on this. Delete your FB page just to see how he reacts, and where he move the goal posts to next.


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