# Where we went wrong



## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Some of you may have seen this floating around already, but it really spoke to me this morning. H and I had a good talk last night. Hard, but good. Our talks are always hard, but if I can take small steps toward understanding and acceptance, then that makes them good, I think. I hopped on FB this morning to see this in my newsfeed, and I sent it to him. It may be directed toward men, but I think every point here applies to both of us over the last 20 years at some point or another. 
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1. Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2. Protect your own heart. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3. Fall in love over and over again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4. Always see the best in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5. It’s not your job to change or fix her… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6. Take full accountability for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7. Never blame your wife if you get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

8. Allow your woman to just be. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9. Be silly… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10. Fill her soul everyday… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11. Be present. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12. Be willing to take her sexually, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13. Don’t be an idiot…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14. Give her space… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15. Be vulnerable… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16. Be fully transparent. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17. Never stop growing together… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18. Don’t worry about money. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19. Forgive immediately and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20. Always choose love. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end marriage isn’t about happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come. Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late. But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I loved being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE: Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from. Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

I wish I read this years ago.
I wish my STBXH read this years ago.
I am sobbing like an idiot.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> I wish I read this years ago.
> I wish my STBXH read this years ago.
> I am sobbing like an idiot.


I'm sorry this made you cry. Although, if I had read it earlier this week, it probably would have done the same to me. 

I agree-I wish we had both read it years ago, too. Maybe it could have caught us before it was too late. I identified with every single point made as either him, me, or both of us. 

I guess as we move forward, it can help us to know what we need to watch for next time.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

It is very very hard to deal with issues once they have gone on too long. How do you cope and get through each day?


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

While there were some interesting and sentimental points to that, I don't think that was written by a man. If it was, he was a very blue pill beta dude and it is no wonder he got walked on. 

It puts the man in the position of putting the woman on a pedestal. A recipe for utter disaster. The notions of uncondtional love and forgiveness are also recipes for blown up expectations and ultimate failure. 

It furthers the disneyesque expectations of relationships for both men and women. There are no princes and princesses and true love kisses. 

What keeps couples together is attraction and sexual tension. Once that goes out the door, the relationship dies. It's okay to disagree in a relationship. It's okay to like different things and have different interests. It's okay to argue and have different view points. It's not okay to get complacent and let the sexual attraction go in marriage. The rest all goes along with that. 

Shame and flame spray away. I'm ready....


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

helolover said:


> Shame and flame spray away. I'm ready....


You won't get any of that from me. We all have our experiences and opinions.

I will say that when I read it, I clearly saw things that both of us did wrong. Over the years, our marriage has simply...faded and died. I read this, and I saw so many reasons why. But because of both of us, not just him. 

The notion of unconditional love follows when you have the other stuff. I disagree that it leads to failure. It is a result of success.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Helover ~

I think the message in this point was to adapt it to your own situation by swapping husband/wife and him/her.

If it were written by a woman, what would you say?

VH


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Not sure what shame and flame spray away means? I never heard that before.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

VeryHurt said:


> Not sure what shame and flame spray away means? I never heard that before.


This usually means the person posting is ready for people to strongly disagree with what they said.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

There was some good stuff in there, and a lot of silly stuff as well.

When is someone going to post on Facebook a "women, this is your charge" list?

Love is more than feelings
Trust is earned not given
Be honest
Communicate your thoughts not your feelings
Honor your commitments
Be patient
Never criticize your man in front of others 
Get rid of your toxic friends
Realize nobody can have it all
Don't believe everything you see, hear, or read
Dreams only happen when you sleep


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

Again, I prefer to look at this list as gender-neutral. It goes both ways, and that's how I read it. I feel the same about the list you added!


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