# Confused about wife's male friend



## YoungMarriedGuy (May 19, 2012)

I joined here because I am in desperate need of some advice.
My wife had a male friend at her old job which she confessed to me that she thought he was attractive. At first I freaked out, mind you our relationship is the first serious relationship either of us has ever had so little things sometimes get blown out of proportion. I calmed down later and realized that it’s normal to think other people are hot, like they say people don’t stop being attractive just because you’re in a relationship. We all have that one celebrity we think is super hot or whatever, she told me she thinks the werewolf guy from the twilight movies is hot and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. So I began thinking and realized that what bothered me was that they were friends and she thought he was attractive, now I trust her completely but I’m confused as to where I draw the line, she no longer works there but kept in touch with him, I did as well because we were all friends but when I found out about what she felt I ended all contact with him as did she but was that wrong? My wife has an easier time making friends with men and that never bothered me before but now I keep wondering what if she makes another friend at her job, what if she thinks he’s attractive, and what if because of that friendship it grows into something more. So what do I do? Do I just say no more male friends? That’s not fair is it? I am very confused about what to do in a situation like this. My wife said she would go along with whatever I wanted because she felt bad about the situation and felt that she shouldn’t have found him attractive but I tried telling her that it was normal, just like the werewolf guy lol but I guess what bothers me is the attraction + the friendship you know? Any advice?


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You lay out your boundaries in terms of opposite sex friendship's and tell her what the consequnce's will be if she corsses them.


----------



## YoungMarriedGuy (May 19, 2012)

I guess that's the thing, I don't know what my boundaries should be. I want her to have friends but... I don't know how to say this without it being silly, they have to be ugly...lol I know that sounds weird but I would just feel better if didn't think her friend was hot you know?


----------



## YoungMarriedGuy (May 19, 2012)

I don't think I'm being able to fully explain, I just feel really weird but I know a lot of people have opposite sex friends and it's fine but maybe with this guy it's just gone too far because of all we've been through as a couple because of him. Mayeb it'll be easier if/when she makes a new friend? I don't know I'm very confused and don't know what to do.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I don`t have any opposite sex friends, neither does my wife and that works for us but I`m not going to tell you to lay out a boundary of no male friends although many here will and I happen to agree with them.

Set a boundary for this guy and this guy alone until she gives you reason to think she can`t handle opposite sex friends at all then ban them entirely.

Just tell her that you`re very uncomfortable with her friendship and ask her to end it.


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

YoungMarriedGuy said:


> I don't think I'm being able to fully explain, I just feel really weird but I know a lot of people have opposite sex friends and it's fine but maybe with this guy it's just gone too far because of all we've been through as a couple because of him. Mayeb it'll be easier if/when she makes a new friend? I don't know I'm very confused and don't know what to do.


Here comes the 2x4.

Married women (men) cannot have close personal friendships with unmarried men (women), ESPECIALLY if they are attracted to each other. 

You are asking for a lot of trouble if you let this continue. You sound very young - my wife stayed close friends with a guy she knew in college, before I met her. Saw him occasionally after we got married and I allowed it. He turned out to be my friend too, eventually. Guess what. When things weren't going well in our marriage, who did she turn to? That's right, the friend, and she fell for him. 

Stop this now.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Gabriel said:


> Here comes the 2x4.
> 
> Married women (men) cannot have close personal friendships with unmarried men (women), ESPECIALLY if they are attracted to each other.
> 
> ...


Bingo! We have the winning answer.

Any physical, sexual or mental attraction to an opposite sex friend needs to stop. NOW.
If she no longer works with him, there's no reason for continued contact.


----------



## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

There's a member on here who was betrayed by her spouse, she recommends a book called Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. You can find it on amazon, etc. If you're not sure what your boundaries should be or how to define them with your wife, that book (from the description--I have not read it) should walk you through the process step by step.

You should give yourself a pat on the back for recognizing this potential situation in your marriage and taking the steps to prevent (to the extent that you can) the boundaries in your marriage being crossed. You can't control any stupid choices she may have made / may be making / may make in the future, but you can lay it all out so that from here on out, there are no doubts in her mind about what you consider to be appropriate or inappropriate relationships with people outside of marriage.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

You dodged a bullet. I wasn't concerned about my ex wife's male friends until I found out that one of her 'really good friends' was actually an old lover. I know that's not the case in your situation but the very fact that she was attracted to him is a huge no no.

Also, being attracted to unattainable entertainers is not the same. I'm attracted to Mandy Moore, Kate Beckinsale, Diane Lane, Kelly Clarkson, and a host of other performers but I would have to get extremely lucky to end up in the sack with one (or more) of them.

Please stick around here and learn other ways to protect your marriage. I wish I had found this place in happier times.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

How do you think your wife would react if you told her that the woman you are working with is really hot?

There is a big difference between saying somebody is hot who in the movies since you know they will never meet them and working with another man every day and telling your husband you think he is hot. Do you see the difference?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Bryan, great minds think alike.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Count: I totally agree. I sent this before I saw your post.


----------



## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

Really in my opinion married people should not have really 'good' friends of the opposite sex. All my good friends are girls and all my H's good friends are guys. I wouldn't want it any other way.

_-- Sent from my Palm Pixi using Forums_


----------



## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Young,

You are not paranoid... period. Married spouses really cannot have "good", "close", "trusting" friends of the opposite sex.

It just doesn't work.

It really is not that hard to understand... If she is telling "him" something that she would not tell you... you have an affair in the making. If you "feel" something is wrong about your wife's male friendship then you are more than justified in exposing it for what it really is. Don't be me. I denied the truth.


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Basically males are out of bounds for her---she can have minimal aqauintance contact, and that is it---as to co-workers---same thing, but her contact with males at work is much harder for you to check---so she must know/be told, that anything excessive is inappropriate

----make sure she is an open book to you---social websites, cellphone/texts---e-mail----you need to see them whenever you wish----remember there is no privacy in a mge----she wanted to have privacy, she should have stayed single.

---if she all of a sudden starts to guard the phone---or her lifestyle as to dress/clothes/makeup/hours that she comes and goes--CHANGES--any of these are a red flag----if the red flags appear---then you get your investigative skills up and working

GNO---does she do them, if so, what are the circumstances----old BF---does she have contact???----just keep an eye out for anything that your gut might tell you is not right, or as I said anything that indicates a change from her normal total routine!!!!!


----------



## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

You have good instincts and your wife reacted in the right way. Count yourself lucky.

I have had this feeling about my wife many times, and she has about me. It is usually on the money. Sometimes it is about her behaviour and sometimes it is about the men. 

Some people are sexual predators and I think we have evolved an ability to sense that.


----------



## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

As the saying goes, no man would be a friend to an attractive woman if he can become her lover.


----------



## Latigo (Apr 27, 2011)

Be sure to clearly define what your boundaries are going to be when you have "that talk" with your wife. We hammered out our agreement down to the littlest detail. Also, make provisions should the agreement need modification! In my case, it really isn't worth having an opposite sex friend considering all of the firewalls we've set up.


----------



## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Dont the spouses know the boundaries? Why should his wife continue to have "Friendship" with the ex-colleague?
Will they talk / behave the same way if their spouses were around?


----------



## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

your wife's works mate finds her attractive.

To summarize, this means he would like to **** with your wife.

Are you are OK with your wife being friends with someone that wants to do that with her?


----------



## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Studies show that it is not possible to have opposite sex friendships of any depth. There is always sexual tension. 

If she is blatantly telling you she finds him attractive that is inappropriate and suggests she is thinking of him in sexual terms.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, other than you wife's opinion about the appearance of her co-worker, you don't mention any other actions that have transpired between them.

I would like to believe that opposite sex friendships can endure but:

1. they must be arms length
2. the friends must defer to the same sex partner.

I remember once being quite chuffed that I hadn't spoken to a male friend from grad school. He was living with his gf whom I had met before. He wasn't home so I ended up speaking with her for about an hour. the next evening he called me himself.

The problem that I have is that I have experienced situations in which the female friend chooses not to show that same deference that I give and expect from others and that is what ha brought me here. 

I would hope that none of us have dump friends due to their gender as long as we all follow certain boundaries and ensure that the friend observes them as well.

OP, do you feel that your wife is receptive to this type of discussion? It really felt as if my exH couldn't be bothered with observing some of the subtlties and nuances of dealing with others. But I think he was very savvy in this department. This is what drove us apart.


----------



## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay, it's one thing to say the kid from twilight is hot. But it's an entirely different ball of wax to say someone at her work is hot. That's too real. That could actually happen.

Look, My wife knows I got a thing for Sandra Bullock. But, she knows she doesn't have to worry about Sandra. But, if I wasn't married and I didn't look the way that I do. I would totally be in there. HOWEVER, if I came home and I said I thought this chick at work is hot, she would make me look for a new job. Because it's real! It's close! That sh*t could possibly happen!


----------



## mommyofthree (Jan 7, 2012)

hmm....
Ok I will say from my past experience and I have NEVER said it EVER before to anyone but this reminded me of it.

I was working at a place about 7 years ago.I actually met my husband there 10 years ago so we were together during the time Im talking about. 

I was a labourer and a guy was hired.He was a great friend and we had to work together many of us girls and guys daily.

We used to talk in the warehouse alot and he was flirty and I am by nature as well. Sometimes we had jobs come in after hours and I would get called out and while I was at the job I would get a little excited thinking he may be one of the guys called out and I would watch for the truck to show up to the site.

I never planned on starting anything with him but I did fantasize sometimes and found him attractive (actually I think looking back I found his personnality attractive cause I was not physically attracted).I would never ever have started anything myself but I secretly hoped he would grab me and I guess in my mind at the time I figured if he did that then it would be ok.

Nothing ever happened between us and myself and my husband relocated out of town so I do not know if anything ever would have happened.

Im not sure men and women can be friends if they find the other attractive in any way. Majority of us spend more time in the workplace then we do in the home so it makes it hard.


----------



## Ben Connedfussed (May 4, 2012)

I agree with this statement and tell all if they agree... concur! I would say to my spouse, "Stop this activity now!" I am here or I am gone... CHOICE! You are not out of bounds to speak your mind or otherwise protect your well being. Take care of yourself!


----------

