# For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something special?



## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

*For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something special?*

For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.

How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?

How does one cope with the permanent feeling of unfairness; the other person (OW/OM) gained something they can always feel proud of and happy about it, while you gained a hurt that will never completely go away and that no matter how good your relationship gets (after the second chance and your cheating spouse does everything they can to make for what they did) will still always sting a little bit?

If you are the WS how does the knowledge of this being something you created for your spouse make you feel? How to you help them deal with it or have done to make for it?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.
> 
> How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?
> 
> ...


Well Natasha, I know what you mean, I am living it. If you have a chance you can check my threat under "My Christian wife cheated".
Not everybody is the same. People deal with life problems differently.
I gave a second chance with under certain conditions, she must be disclosing all information I need from her affair if she wants us to work in our marriage. Again, not everybody's he same, so maybe you don't want to know anything about it but I think the pain will be prolonged ignoring the issue. I'm so sorry you're here, my hug to you and wish the best.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

Dear God, please remember everything I post applies only to me.

Sex.

I had sex with several girls before I met my wife.

She had no others. It is nebulous and we won't go into that.

She had an affair just after our 5th wedding anniversary. A one day stand with a friend who seduced her.

You speak almost as if you are talking about people who marry as virgins. I wasn't expecting that when I was considering a spouse, and I certainly couldn't offer that, so that would not be part of my thinking.

I did feel betrayed. But I suspect that was mostly because she had promised faithfulness, then broke her promise. I don't think the sex mattered so much to me, as the promise.

The only reason I decided to answer you is because you used the word unfairness in there. Her affair really did bother me in terms of feeling unfair. Tremendously. It ate at me for two years.

Please note, my answer was for me and me alone, and is ugly. Please, no one else should ever construe a simple truth about what I did as an endorsement regarding what I think they should do. God, people are so weird about that. All I say is this is what I did. People who jump to the conclusion that must mean I am recommending others follow my example have to be some kinda... well, just don't go there.

I told her I wanted to have sex with some other woman. Finally I told her I was either going to get a girlfriend and ignore her, or we could go to a party where I could have casual sex with a woman. She chose to go to a party. At the time I was very angry with her, although I did love her, but I was willing to use her to my own advantage. I found a gorgeous blonde and swapped partners with her. After that I was finally able to forget about my wife's affair.

Please remember, this is not an endorsement of this behavior. Wow, people are so weird if they think a statement of fact must mean I am some kinda cheerleader for the actions described in the example.

You asked.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.
> 
> How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?
> 
> ...


I doubt you ever will cope with it totally, that's why adultery is such a very serious thing. Its destroys the trust and intimacy and things will never be the same again. There will always be a wound and then a scar, the marriage will not be the same marriage, but if you stay you have to get past that and accept it. 

People claim their marriage is better than before. Sorry, I don't believe it. Something so important has been lost forever. They may have a good marriage but it can never be as close or intimate or trusting again. 

So you stay and realise and accept that things have changed, or you leave.

Forgiveness is very important though, and that will help you to heal.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.
> 
> How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?
> 
> ...


It took time, a lot of time.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



WilliamM said:


> Dear God, please remember everything I post applies only to me.
> 
> Sex.
> 
> ...


If that worked for you... Do I understand correctly that you swapped partners? So your wife banged the hot blonde's man the same night?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



doconiram said:


> If that worked for you... Do I understand correctly that you swapped partners? So your wife banged the hot blonde's man the same night?


 That was what I got from that as well. She still "owes you one."


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

I think it would be hard to turn down temptation . Like if someone came onto you it would be hard not to get your turn and if caught it would be you cheated first!

You might not actively seek out a revenge affair but when presented the opportunity I think I would fail and rationaliize that she did it now its ok for me!

Just being honest. Might even be the kick you need to kick them to the curb.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.
> 
> How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?
> 
> ...


.......you lose a part of your marriage ....that's for sure. It's gone ...it's not going to come back. But I think that more importantly, you lose part of your 'self'. What you were, what you wanted to become, what your plans for a future were (I believe), will forever be compromised. There is always that nagging thought somewhere in your head that pops up at he most inopportune time and impacts your career, your leisure time, and your 'romantic' moments.

......my wife and I we're each other's 'first'. That's pretty rare today .....maybe just as rare 37 yrs ago when we met. No matter what ups and downs our marriage may have gone through in it's normal course ....we'd have had that tidbit in our back pockets. 

Sent from my Pixel 2 XL using Tapatalk


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

I figured out that I didn't lose something special. My ex did.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

For me it wasn’t the sex because I didn’t feel like that was the worst part. We tried for two more years but I could not shake the feeling that I could not make her happy. I didn’t think her mother was happy in her marriage and I felt she was the same. She was sorry and worked like a dog to keep me but I just could not see her happy with me though she said she was.
The upside is that I have never given anyone 100% trust again. That has paid off my whole life. Experience is the best teacher?

Why have you stayed? Kids?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



Hurtin_Still said:


> .......you lose a part of your marriage ....that's for sure. It's gone ...it's not going to come back. But I think that more importantly, you lose part of your 'self'. What you were, what you wanted to become, what your plans for a future were (I believe), will forever be compromised. There is always that nagging thought somewhere in your head that pops up at he most inopportune time and impacts your career, your leisure time, and your 'romantic' moments.


I hate when people stay it's gone forever, it's not. It's only that way if she stays married to person who cheated. If she leaves and starts a new relationship with someone else she can have all those things again. Future, a partner who is faithful, fidelity, peace. 

If she stays then you are correct.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

There is a certain cohort here who believe that since they cannot fathom reconciling with a WS, then neither should you. You get to decide for yourself. 

One of the positive things that can come from reconciliation happens when you address the underlying issue that motivated the affair, if there was one. Maybe you had some serious communication issues. Maybe there was a sexual dysfunction that was never addressed. Maybe your spouse felt neglected, unloved, or unappreciated. If you decide that the WS is still the person with whom you want to spend the rest of your life, and if you address the marital issues and the WS's unacceptable response to them, then you may find that you have a richer married life after the affair than you had before. It will be changed, diminished in one respect but perhaps on the balance better overall. 

The sting of the affair will never disappear entirely, but like the death of a parent or any other traumatic event, it will fade. It will always be a reminder of the worst that your marriage and your mate can be, but it does not have to destroy your relationship if you are the type of person who believes in second chances and redemption. You are of course not required to stay, but it can work under the right circumstances. 

I will add my own personal anecdote that it helped me to moderate my reaction to a marital issue that came 10 years later, when my wife let me down in a family matter in a way that surprised me. If I had not taken the full measure of my fallibility as a spouse, I'm not sure I would have had the ability to move past it. If age doesn't take away some of our self-righteousness, then we having been paying attention to the living of it.


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## doconiram (Apr 24, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



Rubix Cubed said:


> That was what I got from that as well. She still "owes you one."


Kind of where my thinking was at. If this is correct, it could be why she agreed to it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.


That feeling is real and will always be there. It will never go completely away. The best you can hope for is that it will diminish in time. Even then, it can only happen with a remorseful spouse who genuinely understands and attempts to make amends for the pain he/she has caused you.


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



Diana7 said:


> I doubt you ever will cope with it totally, that's why adultery is such a very serious thing. Its destroys the trust and intimacy and things will never be the same again. There will always be a wound and then a scar, the marriage will not be the same marriage, but if you stay you have to get past that and accept it.
> 
> People claim their marriage is better than before. Sorry, I don't believe it. Something so important has been lost forever. They may have a good marriage but it can never be as close or intimate or trusting again. What if there was no physical aspect to the affair? My wife had an affair where she sexted but never met. Can that ever be the same? I personally think we're working towards something better.
> 
> ...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



> By Natasha
> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special?


You can deal by both of you taking actions to improve the relationship in very area that you can. That will ease the pain but there is something that is permanently lost. A few things that I lost were that I believed that she would never reject me and replace me with another man. Another was that she would always have my best interest at heart. Therefore, I had to get stronger in my emotions and spirit.

Natasha, I would suggest that you focus on you building yourself up in body, mind, and spirit and become more self-sufficient. Use your pain as motivation to improve yourself more. I am not suggesting that you become an island but you cannot put too much of your emotions and spirit into one person. The pain is intense for the first year or so but if you build yourself up to be self-sufficient the pain is lessened quite a bit in the years to come. Life can still be good for you even after a terrible hurt such as betrayal. For me it has taken years but now I have a good life and cannot be as devastated as before. .I can have a good life on my own if I have to.

I hope that you and your spouse work at getting a lot better. However, I would encourage you to do what I posted above either way; with your spouse or without your spouse.


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## Bruno (Sep 16, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*



NatashaYurino said:


> For those of you who stayed and gave a second chance, how do you deal with the knowledge that your spouse gave away to someone else, something that you considered special? Something that used to make you feel proud because you earned it with hard work and dedication.
> 
> How does one cope with the thought that your spouse gave away so easily that special thing to someone who never had to do all that you did for them?
> 
> ...


*I decided to stay and it still hurts (only been 7 months). see the thread "wife cheated while almost blackout drunk".
But I understand that I control my own happiness and if I am going to sit in the pain and anger, then I'm hurting myself further. My wife is totally remorseful and feels sick about it. When we do talk about it and the pain it caused both of us and the damage to our marriage, she says she has to live with it for the rest of her life, even if we stay or if I go. Our kids would be devastated, as would her family, none of them know.
At the end of the day, the BS has to make the call. Can they get over it? Can they find love and connection and intimacy again? 
We are working on it and sometimes the marriage feels better and stronger than before.


*


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

*Re: For both WS & BS - How do you cope with the feeling that you lost something speci*

I haven't fully learned to seperate the feelings and the knowledge.
What I know is that it wasn't special. She wasn't special. And the reality is, it was all an illusion.
What I feel however, is the loss of the special "feeling". Regardless of what it really was, it felt real to me at one time. 

It reminds me of the scene in the Matrix when Neo said, "I cant go back can I"?
The reply was, "No. But if you could, would you?"


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