# Afraid I'm Done



## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

My husband had to work over Christmas. We always go to my family, couple hours away, because we hire a Santa who comes Christmas Eve, my daughters get to see their cousins, it's a great time and all they've ever known. Anyway, he had to work and couldn't go. I said we'd stay home & have our own Christmas. He declined because it's more about our girls and they'd be heartbroken. After Christmas, at his insistence, I took our girls skiing for two weeks with my family as usual. Since H and I were having trouble I thought it would be good to have some time away and gain perspective. 

I'm afraid of the perspective I've found. 

I didn't miss him. He called to talk to the girls 3 times in 17 days, although we texted daily. He called me once to yell at me because I spent a little bit of money and didn't give him a heads up. I found myself crying for the 3 days before coming home because I was dreading it. Most importantly...I got home last night, unpacked, kids fed, to bed, and ready for school today...he was in bed asleep already. I snuggle up (because I know if he doesn't get "something" after being away this long it will cause a fight), he gets what he wants (even tho I had no desire) and we start to chat. I'm telling him about our trip & how our youngest was difficult and I get a few grunts in reply. I figure since he was asleep when I came to bed & has to work early he is tired and trying to stay awake for me. So I tell him...you're falling asleep, we can chat tomorrow. His reply...."I'm not falling asleep. I'm just not interested."

WTF????

For the first time in our 16 years I wasn't angry or pissed. I got up, she'd a few tears in the bathroom, took a sleeping pill & went to sleep while he rolled over & watched the iPad. I've been trying, probably for too long, to hold this together for our daughters. If I leave he has no one. Literally, no one. He doesn't like his family & barely speaks to them. We cannot afford to separate, divorce, and cover two households. He tanked his career two years ago and we have been behind the 8 ball since. 

The thing that scares me is I feel nothing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I can see you've been here for just over 5 years and I checked - you've started 21 threads about your marital problems. You have, indeed, been working on this and considering your marital problems for a LONG time!

Have you and/or H had ANY counseling (individual for either of you, marital/couples counseling)?

Has his job situation improved at all from a September 2013?

Whatever you choose, the fact that he has NO-ONE else should NOT be a determining factor in staying/leaving. His life is what *he* chooses to make of it (or not); just as YOUR life is what you choose to make of it or not.

Can you bottom-line the MAJOR problems over the last 5 years for those of us who are NOT familiar with your backstory?


*hugs* and I'm so sorry your marriage is not what you hoped it would be!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Its called detachment.

I remember VIVIDLY the second I fell out of love with my wife. After 9999 verbal attacks. One was the final knife that broke my heart. For me it was different. I just felt something die but it was as if someone had thwapped me on the forehead. I took two steps, thought "holy sh!t" and stopped dead a second before continuing to walk.

been working on it. Time will tell if I can get it back.

March 18 2013 12:20 AM.

Shes mad again about something I have no idea. Two years ago I would have been in a panic. Today I'm merely annoyed.

(None of the above is to say I have zero blame.)

Edit: The part about your children is troubling. When I was traveling for work, I talked to my kids everyday even when i did not feel like it because contact with your children is important to their development, ESPECIALLY girls.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Good for you. Now it will just take another 5 years to work up the balls to leave him and life will be better for everybody..


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MsStacy said:


> I just got the speech from H. In a nutshell he says I don't like him, I don't respect him, and he's not waiting for me to turn it around anymore. Essentially we can live in the house together and be the best parents we can be but he's done waiting for me to come around.
> 
> I supported him unconditionally for a year & a half through his f*ck up, job disaster, finding himself, etc. Now that I've let feelings surface, 5 months is all he can stand by for. He says he's not leaving the marriage, but he's not waiting on me anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would LOVE to hear his side of this story.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

I think that is the way it works. One too many things gets said or done and it will suddenly hit you and your connection is lost. I don't know if it can ever be regained.

I wouldn't worry about him not having anyone. He had you and look how he treated you. Maybe he has ran them off.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

I didn't read your other threads, OP, but what jumped out at me was this:

That he has nobody, and worse, he doesn't like his family or talk to them.

That's troubling. Especially because he's apparently stopped liking you, and talking to you.

There are people out there who just don't like other people. Whether it's trust issues, their own self-esteem, or just a bad history with friendships, relationships, family. Some people are just anti-social. Some folks just aren't built to be a part of the social aspect of the human race. He may be one of those people, and perhaps he just tried to assimilate into society, but now he's sick of it and realizes he's a loner who is better off on his own.

Just a thought. Doesn't excuse anything.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Thebes said:


> I wouldn't worry about him not having anyone. He had you and look how he treated you. Maybe he has ran them off.


:iagree:

Especially the last sentence.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Has he ever been checked for depression or personality disorders?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

alexm said:


> I didn't read your other threads, OP, but what jumped out at me was this:
> 
> That he has nobody, and worse, he doesn't like his family or talk to them.
> 
> ...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

That made me LAUGH (IRL), Futs!


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Have you and/or H had ANY counseling (individual for either of you, marital/couples counseling)?
> Yes, we've been to MC on & off for years. I would like to go back for IC but have to wait till March and insurance coverage.
> Has his job situation improved at all from a September 2013?
> He did get a permanent FT job. It's making even less than before but at least has benefits.
> ...


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

weightlifter said:


> Its called detachment.
> 
> I remember VIVIDLY the second I fell out of love with my wife. After 9999 verbal attacks. One was the final knife that broke my heart. For me it was different. I just felt something die but it was as if someone had thwapped me on the forehead. I took two steps, thought "holy sh!t" and stopped dead a second before continuing to walk.
> 
> ...


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

PBear said:


> Has he ever been checked for depression or personality disorders?
> I asked our MC what she thought about possible personality disorders. She believes it is extreme lack of self esteem & self worth. He has issues, definite issues. And even though I have begged him to get IC, and he promised he would, it never happened. He then slams me and says "counseling" is my answer to everything.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

There just doesn't seem to be anything I can do right in his eyes. I know he feels the same too. 

Nice family time yesterday, church & lunch, then he starts his pushing. I don't usually recognize until it's too late and we're arguing. He wants something from me, starts with the questions and telling me I'm off in my own world and we're back to dancing the same circles. 

Nothing is ever good enough for him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> I didn't read your other threads, OP, but what jumped out at me was this:
> 
> *That he has nobody, and worse, he doesn't like his family or talk to them.
> *
> ...


THIS is my XH2. To this day, he still hates the world. He has run every single person out of his life. He sits there and he plays the victim, like everyone is out to get him and THEY are the ones who are fvcked up. He has alienated every family member, including his son and his grandkids, who he claims he doesnt like. :scratchhead: REALLY? Who doesnt like their grandkids?? (still little children, not grown, messed up adults) He is angry, bitter and alone and that is EXACTLY how he likes to be! 

So Stacy, you are done, and its time that you faced that fact and started to get on with ending this debacle of a relationship. As you can see by my example above, sometimes you just cannot help or make them happy, and that is just who they are. Are you going to waste another 5 years of your and your children's lives with this bitter person?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

3Xnocharm said:


> THIS is my XH2. To this day, he still hates the world. He has run every single person out of his life. He sits there and he plays the victim, like everyone is out to get him and THEY are the ones who are fvcked up. He has alienated every family member, including his son and his grandkids, who he claims he doesnt like. :scratchhead: REALLY? Who doesnt like their grandkids?? (still little children, not grown, messed up adults) He is angry, bitter and alone and that is EXACTLY how he likes to be!


I'm dealing with this with a family member at the moment, too, and it sucks. I only came to this realization a few months ago, after a few years of none of us being able to do right, in her eyes. She's now run off many of us, including her siblings and their children. And believe me, there's no conspiracy against her, regardless what she thinks.

I am pretty much the last one in the family she talks to, anymore, and every time we have a conversation, it ends up at what "so and so" did, blah blah blah. Trying to get me over to her side.

It's sad, but in my experience (so far), there's not a lot you can do about it when people are like this. You really can't talk sense into them, and no matter how much you tell them you love them and care about them, and that they're wrong, it just adds to the conspiracy theories in their heads.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

alexm said:


> I'm dealing with this with a family member at the moment, too, and it sucks. I only came to this realization a few months ago, after a few years of none of us being able to do right, in her eyes. She's now run off many of us, including her siblings and their children. And believe me, there's no conspiracy against her, regardless what she thinks.
> 
> I am pretty much the last one in the family she talks to, anymore, and every time we have a conversation, it ends up at what "so and so" did, blah blah blah. Trying to get me over to her side.
> 
> *It's sad, but in my experience (so far), there's not a lot you can do about it when people are like this. You really can't talk sense into them, and no matter how much you tell them you love them and care about them, and that they're wrong, it just adds to the conspiracy theories in their heads.*



Yep, there isnt a damn thing you can do. When people are like this, everyone is the enemy. I didnt have a chance in that marriage. He didnt show his true colors until well into the relationship. And now, he is completely, utterly alone and thats how he likes it.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Miss Stacy,

I guess the questions I would ask you are:

1) What would make you think there is anything salvageable about this marriage? Guilt? Made your bed, lie in it? What will people say? God will be angry/disappointed?

2) How much have your children seen/endured already? Would you want this for them? They *WILL* emulate this relationship in their own marriages if you don't help yourself and show them different. If THEY deserve a better marriage than this, why don't YOU?


.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

No, you're not done. 

After all, it isn't financially feasible for you to leave. You believe that. So there you sit. And here you complain.

Whether you feel anything for your husband or not, you aren't going to leave him.


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## Pius (Nov 14, 2013)

Stacy, I don't know your backstory, but it appears from what I've read here that there have been problems for quite some time. I would just like to play "devil's advocate" and ask you what is it that he says he wants? Can you summarize what his "side of the story" would be?

Many couples seem to drift apart and lose their connection because they aren't spending much time together. They begin living separate lives and not meeting each others' needs. I wonder if this is the case in your situation? There are several books that go into more detail about this - such as "His Needs Her Needs" and "Love Languages." Have you read any of these? Do you think he would be willing to try any of the plans outlined in those books?

Lots of people in TAM always seem to be ready to throw in the towel but I personally think vows mean something. I don't think the absence of "feelings" is a sufficient justification for breaking a family apart and divorcing. Feelings change and come and go, and feelings of romantic love can be restored. I admire you for hanging in there as long as you have. I'm also in a very difficult marriage and fighting for it as well so in many ways I can feel your pain. I wish you the best of luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you done the HNHN route yet?


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