# Question for the ladies here



## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

I'm in a relationship with a woman that has a temper and get's angry over the smallest things. This happens about every 2 weeks.She never hears my side,always deflects blame back on me.Even when it's clearly her fault,she never acknowledges it or says shes sorry.When shes angry she is very negative.I always try and be positive and find a positive solution.After she gets mad and yells at me,she will keep engaging me to try and get me to argue back with her.I see this as foolish immature behavior so I back away. I'm 53 shes 52. When she gets this way,there is no reasoning,no way to get her to be calm and rational.After she goes off on me she pout's and doesn't contact me.I'm always the one to contact her and let her know how much I love and care for her.Then she will come around and after a short time act like nothings wrong. The problem does not get talked about or she goes off again.
She will bring it up again in the future though.

A month ago it was because we were to meet somewhere at a park and she went to the wrong place.Where she went was never mentioned and was 90 miles round trip from where we were suppose to meet. I had even told her on the phone the best route to get to the park,mentioned the names of roads ,landmarks etc.I also emailed it to her.It was my idea and pick of place to meet.So she calls at the time we were suppose to meet,says I'm here where are you.Well I said I'm at @#$$%^& she says why are you there.
And after telling her she went to the wrong place,she went off,said I went to the wrong place.Tried telling her it was my pick,why would i go to a different place.She was mad and refused to go where I was or even compromise on another place in the middle of where we were. So she stays mad,didn't speak for 4 days,I contacted her and actually apologized,told her how much i loved her,and we made up. She continued to tell me I went to the wrong place,I ignored her and she finally shut up about it.

The last couple weeks were great,we couldn't get enough of each other,couldn't wait to see each other,several emails every day,and calls.Last Friday we spent the day together,we both said it was the best day we had ever had together.Sat. we email she calls tells me how much she loves me etc.,she was working so we didn't see each other. She said she would email Sat. evening,she didn't.Sunday and Monday i was not feeling good,still didn't hear from her so emailed her Monday,she didn't respond. Now i'm getting worried so i call her work phone she didn't answer,I left a message.No call back. I couldn't sleep Monday evening thinking something had to be wrong or she possibly didn't get the message.She sometimes turns the ringer off the work phone. She always turns the ringer off her personal cell phone at night,so I called at 4:00 am left another message that I was worried and that I hoped she was ok and that I loved her. Well she calls at 8:00 am yelling at me that I woke her up when I called,she had the ringer on,asked me whats wrong with me,ranting and raving for 9 minutes. I tried telling her that i was really worried etc and that I wasn't feeling good. She just kept yelling at me about waking her up and said she forgot to email me,and I should have emailed her.She totally blamed it all on me again.Told her i had been sick,she never responded to that,just kept raging,then she hung up.

Now haven't heard from her since,and although I want to call or email her,I'm not going to this time.I cannot be the one to except blame each time for something that is not my fault.I have never went more than 3 days w/o contacting her after she does this.when I do make first contact she always comes back and tries to insure me how much she loves me,always says she couldn't stop thinking about me when we were apart and really missed me.

I think I need to get far away from her for awhile to keep me from contacting her and maybe give her time to really miss me and see what shes doing is damaging our relationship.I have told her she is pushing me away,she tells me she doesn't want to be w/o me.I could take a couple weeks off and take a trip several states away.It will be really hard to do as I love her very much and do not question that.When things are good they are the best.

How do you think she will respond if I don't contact her this time and go out of town? She will know i left as she drives by on her way to work.

Thanks for any suggestions or advice.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

If you're dating, I say leave.

If you're married, I say talk it out and if that can't happen, leave.

I was once the same way. My husband left. I got help. He moved home. We're better for it. 

But just "in a relationship", to me, makes it easy to say, "This isn't what I want. NEXT!"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been with this woman?


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

She sounds very immature for a 53 year old. Her behavior is atypical for a woman of that age.

Forgive me for saying this, but you come off as very weak with your attempts to appease her even when you're not in the wrong. I realize you love her and you want to smooth things over, but the dynamic you two have in your relationship isn't healthy at all. 

If you find it difficult to talk to her in person when she's in rant mode, send her an email telling her basically what you've said here. Sometimes it's easier to discuss things via email especially emotional topics.

I would leave if it were me. She doesn't sound emotionally healthy. 

Could she have an early stage of dementia? I had a relative who would get angry for no apparent reason and many years later she was diagnosed with dementia. Something to think about...


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

Were not married. When things are good,I would say that it's the best I have ever felt in a relationship. I hate to throw it away.And I've never been one to run away from my problems.
But she has to stop behaving like this.I told her one time she needs anger management classes and she admitted she has a temper,but she won't do anything about it.I could handle the occasional outburst,but can't handle the pouting for days afterward. I guess if I leave it will be a test to see how long it takes her to contact me.And not sure how I should respond if and when she does. She's also very stubborn and admits it.


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

Coffee Amore,

I agree I'm being weak by appeasing her,but so far it's the only thing that has worked.
She is very forgetful and acknowledges it,says shes always been that way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

How long have you been with her?


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

Met her 14 years ago we were friends as we lived in different states,I moved to her state about a year ago.been in a relationship for 7 months.


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

Update,I called her. She's still mad,and refuses to see me to talk.
We talked about 45 minutes,she raised her voice numerous times,I did not. Says she doesn't want to see me when shes mad.Today is the sixth day. 
I asked her how she would respond if we ever had a big problem,she didn't answer.She needs anger management classes,but I didn't tell her that.

I did let her know I would be taking a trip somewhere,her tone of voice changed then,but still didn't want to resolve things.
At the end of the call,I said I love you,she only said bye.
So I'm leaving in the morning for a long walk on the beach for a while.

Question,how long do most women stay angry?How should I respond when she calls? I think she will,as she'll be curious where I'm at.I hate game playing and feel that's what shes doing,shes trying to control me with her anger.

I've done a lot of reading up on Borderline personality disorder,and she has most of the symptoms. 
TIA for any advice.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Get the word from Uptown or Pidge but after doing some more reading, she may be a candidate for BPD. There's a honeymoon aspect to those kinds of relationships and as you near away from it, expect things to get worse and worse.

Even if she's not, I'd not do anything stupid like commit your life to someone like this until you've had sufficient time, at least 2 years.

Your problem is that you are bad at setting boundaries and sticking up for yourself. You need to be needed and are an appeaser. It means she's going to continue getting away with this stuff. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life like this? Get some self-respect and start sticking up for yourself. If she's making you go crazy, then get smart and bail. You don't have to make your life crazy.

edit: swear to god didn't see your last post till I replied. If you see she has the symptoms, don't feel like you have to be the hero. The last thing you want to do is lose your sanity at the expense of someone else's problems. You can still be supportive without being in a relationship.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've been around a couple where the woman was like this with her husband. I used to go home and wonder why the heck he didn't stand up to her. I don't mean shout back or be angry, but tell her that her behavior was unacceptable and enforce boundaries. I just couldn't fathom how he put it up with it. Like a child that's learned to get attention by throwing tantrums, appeasing her isn't guiding her behavior as to what's acceptable with you. I used to go home feeling drained and I was only around that behavior for a couple of hours! I'd expect more. I couldn't live with behavior like this. 

Why is this the best relationship you've had?


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

COguy....Thanks for the advice.One other thing that bothers me and I think is related to her anger issues is,she hated her father and never had a relationship with him,he left her mother when she was pregnant.She doesn't like talking about it,so I don't pursue it.

heartsbeating......We had a strong romantic interest in each other when we met 14 years ago,but due to the distance I didn't allow it to go to far.When we met back up this time it was like love at first sight.When shes not in her angry stage we couldn't get along better,can't get enough of each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stressedout2 said:


> Question,how long do most women stay angry?How should I respond when she calls? I think she will,as she'll be curious where I'm at.I hate game playing and feel that's what shes doing,shes trying to control me with her anger.


How long most women stay angry has nothing to do with your issue. There is not specific time that ‘most women’ stay angry.
For little things I generally cool off within minutes. For big thing it might take a day or two. For huge thing.. .like my ex cheating over and over, his being abusive and the mess he caused during the divorce. I stayed angry for a few years… not angry in my everyday life… but at him.

Everything you have described is a little thing. Especially her driving to the wrong park. I would have been embarrassed by my mistake and not been angry once I realized I was wrong. Would have met you half way as well.

She’s out of control. She may be trying to control you. This last bit sounds like she just does not want to be with you and just does not know how to tell you.. sorry to say, but that’s what it sounds like.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

stressedout2 said:


> When we met back up this time it was like love at first sight.When shes not in her angry stage we couldn't get along better,can't get enough of each other.


Read this post from Uptown to see more about BPD:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell-2.html#post473522

Typically how it works is you have a honeymoon period where you're the "savior" and can't do anything wrong. Then slowly you become the evil guy where you can't do anything right. As you drift apart, she does something sweet to pull you back to keep you from leaving. There's a constant cycle of pushing and pulling, but as the non-BPD person you get addicted to the highs and the feelings of being needed.

People with strong personal boundaries are out the door when the honeymoon phase ends, appeasers and care-givers stick around until their partners ultimately push them away (according to Uptown this is after a decade or so).

Not the kind of woman you want to start getting involved with long-term....

However, before you find another girl, ask yourself what it is about you that allows you to accept this behavior and want to stay in it? It shows you have some boundary and self-respect issues you need to work on.


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

I think it's a control thing.
Maybe getting away will help me see it's not worth it.
She'll probably try and turn it around as me being at fault by leaving.
She said on the phone today she couldn't tell me she loves me when shes mad,but that she cared for me and said be careful.
I'm prepared to be gone for up to two weeks.


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

COguy....I bookmarked that and will read it thanks.
I know I'm the caregiving type. I took care of my mother who had alzheimers for 8 long years.


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## stressedout2 (Dec 20, 2011)

*Re: Question for the ladies here. Update Need More Advice*

Back again.Quick update. 
I went out of town in January for 7 days, we talked everyday while I was gone she initiated most of it which I took as a change and very positive. So I actually came back earlier than I planned. Was on my way back and received a call that my mother was not doing well. So left right away to drive another 400 miles to see her.Didn't get to spend much time with GF. I left asap to go be with mom I didn't make it in time, I was 100 miles away when they called and said she had passed.

When I got home GF comforted me and made me feel like she cared.We've gotten along good up until Last Wednesday. She got mad because I was holding her hands behind her back while kissing her. Couldn't believe it because we do this all the time,I'm very playful and she always tells me she likes it.This time she fought some with me twisting my finger then yelled at me that I was restraining her.So I tried explaining I was doing nothing different than I've done many times before and even apologized. She wouldn't drop it and scolded me about it four times before leaving.

Haven't seen her since,and little communication on her part.I told her this weekend will be difficult for me as mom always made this time of year special as My b-day is in a few days also.
GF said she would make Easter and my b-day special this year.
Now she says she won't be with me,she is pouting and barely speaking.

I feel she is deliberately trying to hurt me now,and I really don't understand it.I'm now having feelings that I no longer can love her,and I don't think I'll be forgiving her for this anytime soon.I'm feeling like I've lost all respect for her now.

I trusted my feelings with her by telling her that I was feeling sad and depressed about losing mom and that this weekend was going to be difficult for me.I guess I gave her too much power by telling her.

I emailed her several times yesterday and she was short and sarcastic with me.
This morning I tried again and it was the same response. I asked her if she was going to spend Easter with me and she said no.

I'm a mess,I have no other family left.Don't know why I'm even on here again,I know what i need to do.I guess I'm wondering if anyone here can figure out why shes doing this.

Thanks for listening to me again.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

*Re: Question for the ladies here. Update Need More Advice*



stressedout2 said:


> Back again.Quick update.
> I went out of town in January for 7 days, we talked everyday while I was gone she initiated most of it which I took as a change and very positive. So I actually came back earlier than I planned. Was on my way back and received a call that my mother was not doing well. So left right away to drive another 400 miles to see her.Didn't get to spend much time with GF. I left asap to go be with mom I didn't make it in time, I was 100 miles away when they called and said she had passed.
> 
> When I got home GF comforted me and made me feel like she cared.We've gotten along good up until Last Wednesday. She got mad because I was holding her hands behind her back while kissing her. Couldn't believe it because we do this all the time,I'm very playful and she always tells me she likes it.This time she fought some with me twisting my finger then yelled at me that I was restraining her.So I tried explaining I was doing nothing different than I've done many times before and even apologized. She wouldn't drop it and scolded me about it four times before leaving.
> ...


She's doing it because she has a personality disorder.get out now before you are committed for life. Be thankful you're not married with kids.

Would you really want to spend more energy in this relationship?


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