# How I'm dealing with the affair



## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

This is my first post here. I've read many posts and I'm impressed at the high quality of conversation on this site.

I found out a couple months ago that my wife had an affair with a man from her work. She had been over stressed for a while and I could see that she was under a lot of strain, but I figured it was work related. It was, but it was the stress over doing something she knew was wrong and was ashamed about.

It started in 2008 with email messages with a co-worker. He expressed interest in her, and she told him that she was flattered, but was married and would do no such thing. They emailed back and forth on this type of conversation and they both enjoyed the flirting and witty responses. The conversation changed to be completely NSFW while my wife told him no to an affair, by her deeds she carried the flirting far into the realm of an emotional affair.

Two times in 2008, my W and the OM had physical contact where she would fake an orgasm for him while he manipulated her. She said she didn't like him, nor was she turned on my his manipulation, but she was playing the role of a sexy woman, and felt she had to continue the role. Or perhaps she was just overpowered by the fog that surrounds the strong emotions of the affair and was unable to do what she knew was right.

After this incident int 2008, she and the OM broke it off. She told herself that she was not an attractive person, and once the OM felt her properly, he was no longer interested. She resolved to never do it again, and to never tell anybody.

Late 2010, the emails started again. Again she said no she would not have a PA with the OM, but carried on a long conversation that constituted an EA including NSFW banter. She was conflicted between what she knew was the right thing to do (ending the flirting) and the attention she was getting that proved she was attractive. In the end she let him into her office and into her arms and satisfied him (not coitus fwiw). She was so ashamed afterwards and ended the affair right then and there.

In the days following their last contact she found it hard to sleep and was worrying herself to pieces. She told her mom (who divorced my W'd Dad after his many affairs) about the incident in 2008 and how she knew it wouldn't happen again, and then how it did happen again, and how she felt out of control and scared. At the urging of her mother she told me.

For me, I forgave her immediately because I love her. Yes I was disappointed, hurt, angry, sad, and had that terrible feeling in my stomach.

In the first few days my wife and I would talk a few hours into the night. I needed to know the who, why, what, where, when, and how. Each day I would ask for details: emotional, physical, and "what were you thinking?" Each day I'd get a clearer picture of what happened, and I'd more questions. Each question dug deeper:

Did you let him into your office?
Did you let him into your arms?
Did he touch you?
How?
How did you respond?
Why did you do it?
What were you thinking at the time?
Did you like it?

If I didn't ask each of these questions to her I know I'd ask and answer them with all the sordid possibilities I could imagine until I made myself sick. When she answered them I felt better knowing it wasn't as bad as I could imagine. I felt better knowing that she was telling me the painful truth. I felt better knowing that I could trust her (at the very least most of the time).

In the day time I'd have moments where my emotions would wash over me and blot out the rest of the world. I was alternately livid at the OM and would fantasize about revenge (although I'd never really do it) and grieving the loss of my faithful marriage. As the emotions would come I would feel them, wallow in them until they passed. Sometimes it took a couple hours.

The way I deal with grief is I talk to people. When my mother I must have talked about her, and my grief to a hundred people: at the pool, the bus stop, friends, family, my mom's acquaintances who I barely knew, just about anybody. And it helped me a great deal. With the affair, I felt a bit trapped. I felt I could tell nobody except my wife and my mother in law.

After a few days I knew I needed to talk to some people who were close to me. I told my W that I needed to tell my brother, my sisters, my father, and my best friend (and best man at our wedding 17yrs prior). She said she'd prefer it to remain secret, but she allowed as how I benefited from this kind of therapy, and closeness with my friends and family and how she was in no position to make demands. Each day, or every other day I'd pick a new person to tell. Each time I told the story, and my reactions to it, I felt better. 

Each day I'd wake with my well of sadness and grief filled from a seemingly inexhaustible source. It felt as if my body were a sponge soaked in grief, and each day the grief would drain into a pit in my stomach and rest as a sick feeling there. Then I'd tell my story and grief would drain away. And I'd feel better.

After telling my story a few times my well of grief would no long fill, or it would only fill a little. By the time I told the last person, I was starting to get bored with hearing myself go over the story again, and I'd leave out more details, and I'd give a shorter version.

I've been going through this process for a while and I've learned a few thing on the way.

1. I'm an animal, and my animal instincts require that I loathe the OM and drive me to want to tear him to pieces (which I will not do).

2. My animal instincts require that I own my wife sexually. The time between when she told me and the time we had sex (about 2 hours) I no longer felt like she was mine. I know the feminists of the 70's might hate to hear it, but I need to own her. I told her all this and she understands completely.

3. Even though, the best part of a person is who they are on the inside(their moral character, their compassion, understanding, and their honor) people still need to feel pretty. Or at least my wife does. I've been such a big believer that beauty is only skin deep, and really that the pursuit of personal beauty is not an honorable pursuit that I almost never complimented my wife on her beauty. She believed herself to be unattractive (not true) and this belief helped put her into a position where she had a hard time listening to reason.

4. People are weak. I'm weak, and I know my weakness is to play video games too much. I set the timer to limit my play to an hour, but it goes off, and I'll just play another two hours. It's ridiculous, but I do it any way. My friend is weak. He knows that if he takes the whole tub of ice cream to the computer or the TV, he'll eat it all. Then he'll feel guilty because he's over weight. Almost everybody I talk to is weak. My wife was weak, but she's just human, and I forgive her.

My wife has started therapy. I went to the first session, but the therapist thinks I should only come every once in a great while and my wife should come weekly. She needs to deal with her father leaving her when she was pubescent, her self image as ugly, the guilt, and the grief, while I only need to deal with the grief and perhaps anger.

There, I've told my story again, only I don't know yet if I feel better from it. Generally I feel pretty good about things, although, I do occasionally get pangs of grief (lasting a few seconds) or flashes of lust for revenge (again lasting a few seconds).


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

OneTime said:


> The time between when she told me and the time we had sex (about 2 hours) *I no longer felt like she was mine. *


This is actually a very normal feeling.

I remember telling my ex: "You're not mine anymore. You gave what was mine to someone else."

He said, "No I did not."


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

I agree with most of what you said, but from two different views.

As someone in grief (my son passed away suddenly), there was some comfort in telling people about him and having them offer condolences. I have heard this from other grieving parents. but sooner or later you start NOT wanting to talk about it. It no longer feels satisfying and actually becomes more uncomfortable in that it dredges up those feelings.

I am also a guy who had an affair. I understood my wife's need to talk to others and I encouraged it because I know that keeping it inside and not hearing the sympathy and guidance of others would not help her heal. I, too, preferred that she keep it a secret but I lost my say in the matter by violating her trust in me.

yes, people are weak, especially when something is missing in their lives. It doesn't justify our actions and when this happens, we have to hope our spouses are the stronger ones.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Your dealing with it quite well.

Thank you for sharing.

Continue to enjoy your lemonade.


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## OneTime (May 26, 2011)

Thanks for the feedback guys. In addition to talking about it to help myself, I assume others will want to hear the story and see how it relates the them. I surely found something cathartic in the other stories I read here.


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