# Nicer I am worse I get treated



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Feels like that sometimes. 

Millions of men out there who dont give a rats ass. Running around with other women, leaving wife with kids while they go out - I do none of that but woe betide I do one thing wrong.

Yesterday, important rugby game on TV but I gave that a miss so I could sort things out. Ran around all day doing DIY. Worked my nuts off. Wife took baby to give her bath while I finished off.

Shes ill so sometimes ifs not so easy for her doing this.

So, rushed to finish so I could take over and help her out.

My mistake - leaving out one thing that I forgot about. OMG she went mad saying I never did things properly and always left mess for her.

I honestly think I should be like 99% of other husbands who'd have said yesterday stuff it I'm off down the pub to watch the rugby.

I know shes ill and that does affect her but sometimes I think she wants it all....


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*"Nicer I am worse I get treated." *

Umm, you already know that Bob. You've been here long enough to gather that information. 

Have you read Deejo's sticky thread at the top on the men's forum? 

Have you read "No More Mr Nice Guy", "Hold onto Your N.U.T.s", "Boundries" or Boundries in a Marriage" I you haven't I suggest you start today. 

If you have you should know by now it's you, not her. Why? Simply because, you can only change your behaviors. You can't change her's. Are you ready for that? Can you do something for Bob today?

No More Mr Nice Guy


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Unfortunately that's the way it works when your a nice guy. Take Anchorwatch's advice.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Sorry Bob but while you can't control her actions and behavior it's entirely on you for tolerating it. Once you realize this and decide to take no more things will change.


----------



## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

> Nicer I am worse I get treated


Is this a trick question? Stop acting nice then.


----------



## CharlotteMcdougall (Mar 15, 2014)

JCD said:


> Is this a trick question? Stop acting nice then.


:iagree:

When my husband and I were dating, there was a period where he took me for granted. I was like a puppy dog in love with him, no matter how wishy washy and selfish he was at that time. 

When I finally told my then boyfriend to go away and started dating others, he came to miss me more and show more respect. I set boundaries and refused to be nice when he was so cold. 

We teach people how to treat us.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Did you look at the link I sent you about her RA? Is she willing to change her diet?

Set some limits around her behavior and set consequences. Follow through with the consequences. She'll push you until you can't be pushed. 

It's kind of normal, Bob.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree:
> 
> When my husband and I were dating, there was a period where he took me for granted. I was like a puppy dog in love with him, no matter how wishy washy and selfish he was at that time.
> 
> ...


*
*

:iagree:

Good. Seems women have a better handle on this then some men. you can't control another's actions but tolerating it is totally on you.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

It's not about the fact that you're nice.It's about the fact that you have no boundaries.

You can be nice and still have healthy boundaries.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She might be ill but you still have feelings, and a mouth.

If she starts about you forgetting one thing out of how many things you did that day, then all you have to do is say to her, "Look, no one is asking you to be grateful but can you at least appreciate the effort?" 

Then you explain to her that if she isn't happy about then do it yourself. Your her husband and you don't walk on water but then neither does she. 

The problem is you need to let her know when to button it up. If someone asks me to do something, ok fine I'll do it but when I get called out because I forgot one thing, then I let them know that I wont put up with ignorance.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thanks for all the replies.

It would be simpler if she wasn't ill. Not making excuses for her at all but I guess its not easy.

Thing is I want to be the nice guy. I want to be tolerant when she goes off on one because thats the way I am and she might have been in pain all day.

But I know theres a line and sometimes I do let her cross it. Agreed I need to stop it.

Its just sometimes I can't work out when I should put my foot down an when I should let it slide. Pick my battles so to speak.


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Its just sometimes I can't work out when I should put my foot down an when I should let it slide. Pick my battles so to speak.


That's the tough part for a lot of people I think.I know it is for me.

I've found if I let something simmer and it doesn't fade away and causes me to feel hurt/angry every time I think of it,I should bring it up as a boundary. If after a day goes by and I've forgotten about it then it wasn't really that big a deal to me and isn't a battle worth fighting.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> *"Nicer I am worse I get treated." *
> 
> Umm, you already know that Bob. You've been here long enough to gather that information.
> 
> ...


I'll have a look at that. Interesting...

Thing is though (And I guess you'll all think I'm making excuses) how far to push it? Its all well and good being right but I don't want to be right and divorced and not seeing my kids.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> I'll have a look at that. Interesting...
> 
> Thing is though (And I guess you'll all think I'm making excuses) how far to push it? Its all well and good being right but I don't want to be right and divorced and not seeing my kids.


Bob, some of this you have to work out for yourself.

Do you know MEM? Ask him. Pm him. He has great advice for men on setting boundaries.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jld said:


> Bob, some of this you have to work out for yourself.
> 
> Do you know MEM? Ask him. Pm him. He has great advice for men on setting boundaries.


Yeh think you're right. No dont know MEM. I'll PM him.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bob there's a difference between being kind and a nice guy who is letting himself be disrespected because he'd rather not face conflict. I see no reason to jump into divorce at this time either. Do they reads first, then tell us what you think.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Bob there's a difference between being kind and a nice guy who is letting himself be disrespected because he'd rather not face conflict. I see no reason to jump into divorce at this time either. Do they reads first, then tell us what you think.


:iagree:

This whole "nice guy is horrible thing" on TAM is way over done. I definitely consider myself a nice guy and by nature I am a giver. When in a loving and committed relationship their is nothing I wouldn't do. But I am NO doormat. I set boundaries and I enforce them.

Be a nice guy and a good person but make certain it is being returned. If not you're not with the right person make a change. Life is too short


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

wolf - the reason it is overblown is the definition. Nice guy = doormat is one definition, the other is that you are a nice guy, but not a doormat. 

Being a doormat is the horrible thing....


----------



## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This whole "nice guy is horrible thing" on TAM is way over done. I definitely consider myself a nice guy and by nature I am a giver. When in a loving and committed relationship their is nothing I wouldn't do. But I am NO doormat. I set boundaries and I enforce them.


My long standing beef with the term is that it is slang that could easily be replaced with more accurate term(s). I tend to capitalize it as Nice Guy when using it in this fashion, to mean doormat. I like to capitalize it also because nice guys are awesome and Nice Guys often aren't even very nice.


----------



## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Agree with above posts. Doormat is not the same as being a nice guy. Too much of a broad term around here ... It was the same when I found this place three years ago as well.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Bob there's a difference between being kind and a nice guy who is letting himself be disrespected because he'd rather not face conflict. I see no reason to jump into divorce at this time either. Do they reads first, then tell us what you think.


PErhaps thats my biggest problem - facing conflict.


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> PErhaps thats my biggest problem - facing conflict.


Who likes conflict, Bob? We are all adverse to that. Yet circumstances call for us to over come that fear, to protect our self interest and that of our charges. 

Look at the situation you and you're family are in. Is it one that you would envision? You may not realize it, your conflict avoidance is teaching her it's okay to treat you that way, and the more you do it the more she loses respect for you. That's your part in the dysfunction of your family. Don't you want to change that for you and your family? 

How are you finding that reading?


----------



## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

bob1471 said:


> Feels like that sometimes.
> 
> Millions of men out there who dont give a rats ass. Running around with other women, leaving wife with kids while they go out - I do none of that but woe betide I do one thing wrong.
> 
> ...


Whatever approach you have been using has not worked. Here is a suggestion on how to start a new plan.
First, she doesn't seem to realize that her behavior and attitude towards you is wrong. If you don't tell her to stop and let her know that she is out of line, she will continue with this. She will only change when she is responding to something different from you. She will naturally change when she no longer gets the same response from you.
When she does this, in a firm voice, say, "Stop it! Do not speak to me like that!" No yelling or shouting is necessary, just a firm, calm voice. 
You don't need to argue with her. You simply state that you are not going to be treated this way anymore. Do this every single time she goes off on you.
There's more, but this is a good start. One step at a time is sometimes easier than trying to change everything up all at once.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Thanks for all the replies.
> 
> It would be simpler if she wasn't ill. Not making excuses for her at all but I guess its not easy.


That's exactly what you just did.



> Thing is I want to be the nice guy. I want to be tolerant when she goes off on one because thats the way I am and she might have been in pain all day.


Why? So you want to enable her you mean? Are you saying that there aren't other people who live in constant pain but can't manage to be nice?

My step mother had a horrible form of cancer that developed tumors randomly over her internal organs. Had some of her intestines removed, and worse. She lived for 15 years like that. She was in constant pain and took no medication because it was against her religious beliefs and she was the warmest, sweetest, most loving woman you'd ever meet. EVERYONE who knew her said she was the most amazing person they ever met. One of those bright spots that comes into your life that you never forget.

Your wife allows her pain to define her. That's a HER issue...not a YOU issue. You enable her and actually HURT her by allowing it. She wallows in her pain because she can.



> But I know there should be a line, but we don't watch it


fixed that for you



> Its just sometimes I can't work out when I should put my foot down an when I should let it slide. Pick my battles so to speak.


Here's the way to do that...ask yourself if she crossed the line? If yes...then put your foot down. Pretty easy.


----------



## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> ....I can't work out when I should put my foot down an when I should let it slide. Pick my battles so to speak.


It's not so much "putting your foot down"...if you don't like the way she's treating you, you say something. Personally, I don't "pick-my-battles"...if I don't like it, I deal with it right then and there. 



ScarletBegonias said:


> That's the tough part for a lot of people I think.I know it is for me.
> 
> I've found if I let something simmer and it doesn't fade away and causes me to feel hurt/angry every time I think of it,I should bring it up as a boundary. If after a day goes by and I've forgotten about it then it wasn't really that big a deal to me and isn't a battle worth fighting.


That's a good method too. Some times it's good to let yourself cool off for a day, sleep on it......as long as you don't save up a plethora of mini-battles and unleash them 2 weeks later as a collective onslaught. 

I think it's time the OP and his wife sat down and had a heart-to-heart discussion about this.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We teach people how to treat us.


This is a really good reminder.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> :iagree:
> 
> This whole "nice guy is horrible thing" on TAM is way over done. I definitely consider myself a nice guy and by nature I am a giver. When in a loving and committed relationship their is nothing I wouldn't do. But I am NO doormat. I set boundaries and I enforce them.
> 
> Be a nice guy and a good person but make certain it is being returned. If not you're not with the right person make a change. Life is too short


Absolutely! And yeah, sometimes you have to suck it up and deal when something heavy is going on with the other person...but that should be a two way street, as well as recognized and appreciated.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Fenix said:


> Absolutely! And yeah, sometimes you have to suck it up and deal when something heavy is going on with the other person...but that should be a two way street, as well as recognized and appreciated.


Absolutely not. We never have to suck it up. And we can be tactful and still keep our boundaries, even in these situations.

One of these things is not like the other.
One of these things just isn't the same.
one of these things just doesn't belong here.
Can you guess by the time I finish my song.

Response one: "fu(k you *****! Stop being such a cnt!"

Response two: "look, I understand you are under the weather, so I'll let it go. But the way your talking to me right now makes you sound like an entitled princess and I really don't respond well to that type of conversational tone."


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Wolf,

We say nice guy because of the book.

If it was entitled" no more Mr. Pu$$yface", we'd be calling everyone that!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

anchorwatch said:


> Bob there's a difference between being kind and a nice guy who is letting himself be disrespected because he'd rather not face conflict.


:iagree:


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wolf1974 said:


> Doormat is not the same as being a nice guy.


:iagree:


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

alphaomega said:


> Absolutely not. We never have to suck it up. And we can be tactful and still keep our boundaries, even in these situations.
> 
> One of these things is not like the other.
> One of these things just isn't the same.
> ...


No. There is a middle ground between your two responses. The first one is abusive and the second one makes you look like a jerk. Your first sentence in the second option was right on. The second sentence was fighting words. You say that to me and my answer would be to eff off. 

Sometimes, the correct response is:
"oh wow, he must be really stressed...this is not normal" and let it go. Note the not normal.

We all have bad days. Sometimes, sucking it up is the right thing to do...without the additional knife twist that you added.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I’d also warn you about “pick your battles”. Nice Guys (and gals) tend to latch onto “if only they’d ____” and that will be their hill. Meanwhile, they’ll get trounced and let slip a billion other things that cross those boundary lines. The battleline should be your well defined boundaries. 

The second part is learning how to fight based on the situation. Some things just need a warning shot; That’s what I do as she steams towards my borders. My wife then knows she’s got a choice; plow forward, crossing that line or put on the brakes. What happens next is in her hands. 

At first, she’d always plow forward; I’d simply trained her that she could and I’d cave thus I’d be drawing new lines and borders. The new me doesn’t, so I made sure it was a “unsavory” choice. Now she puts on the brakes because it is simply her best option. My reaction is the carrot... “I’m sorry your sick and grumpy. I’m doing the best I can while you get better.” and the argument is dropped and forgiven.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Hate to admit this, Bob, but you sound a lot like me. Wife is very insecure and immature, and after our kids arrived, she would go off on my on the dumbest things. Once we were driving the kids to an event to a place that's not easy to find, and after she got off the phone with a family member, she blew a gasket because I wasn't listening to her, even though I asked her to look at her phone and tell me where to go. As the kids were in the car and we were meeting friends, I played nice, but I was seething inside. I should have bitten back at her, but I tried to be the reasonable one. 

Another instance about a month ago - kids were in bed and she blew a gasket about something really stupid, and I yelled back at her. She didn't like it, but it seemed to help. 

Note that avoiding conflict is engrained in the DNA for a lot of us. I'll speak for myself - I hate conflict, and instead of confronting it, I'll avoid it, which leads to PA behavior on my part, which I'm certainly not proud of. Listen to the advice of the others on here, even though it's easier said than done - if it's something that eats at you after a day, then you need to confront it.


----------



## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

It took me about 4 years (and some heavy reading at TAM) to recognize that I fit in the nice guy "box". I like being the nice guy and I always took pride in it without really understanding all of the ramifications personally, interpersonally and professionally. 

It has been completely unnatural for me to establish boundary's and at times it has been ugly but ever so slowly the dynamic is changing to what I believe is a more balanced relationship. 

Just last week something happened. I have a hard time smiling. I always have. It is actually uncomfortable for me to smile because it feels physically unnatural. I do a great deal of teaching and speaking and enjoyed it but about six years ago my W started to say I made this face (she had a name for it that was not exactly flattering) at certain times. There were times when we would be having a disagreement and she would tell me to stop making this face. I really did not know what she was talking about so I became quite self conscious about it and started to decline opportunities to teach and speak. She has not brought it up in a while and she did last week when I was just silently doing something. I did not lose it but I told her that I did not ever want to hear her use that phrase ever again. She sloughed it off for a second and I reiterated it in a very pointed way so she got the message. I believe she did. 

It only took about 6 years for me to say something. It was a valuable lesson. One I wish I had taught myself years back.


----------



## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

RClawson said:


> It took me about 4 years (and some heavy reading at TAM) to recognize that I fit in the nice guy "box". I like being the nice guy and I always took pride in it without really understanding all of the ramifications personally, interpersonally and professionally.
> 
> It has been completely unnatural for me to establish boundary's and at times it has been ugly but ever so slowly the dynamic is changing to what I believe is a more balanced relationship.
> 
> ...


This is spot on, and I'm glad that you finally said something. Mine used to fly off the handle if I missed a parking spot, and I would just stay silent (thinking I'd be the mature, calm one), and I realize now that I should have spoken up. It would have caused a fight, but it would have gotten my side out forcefully, and let her realize that she was being unreasonable.


----------



## TheJourneyBegins (Feb 24, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> It would be simpler if she wasn't ill. Not making excuses for her at all but I guess its not easy.
> 
> Thing is I want to be the nice guy. I want to be tolerant when she goes off on one because thats the way I am and she might have been in pain all day.


Hi Bob,

My wife has fibromyalgia and sacral arthritis. She is constantly in pain, every day. It's a matter of where she is on a pain scale each day. I am struggling with similar behavior to what you describe, and I can only tell you that this forum's advice is fantastic. You simply CANNOT allow her to use her pain as an excuse for abhorrent behavior. I've learned this with this forum's help and the NMMNG text. There was a comment made that she is CHOOSING to define herself and her behavior by her pain. I think that's an incredibly important and insightful statement, and I had not looked at it that way until I read it. In the medical field, I see people in pain all the time, and it's remarkable that the human spirit is brave enough to be WAY more than pleasant even in the face of true suffering. If these people, who are no different from anyone else, can be so generous and giving in the face of great pain, I think our wives, who ostensibly love us, can be expected to be civil, if not pleasant.

Just a thought....


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

tulsy said:


> That's a good method too. Some times it's good to let yourself cool off for a day, sleep on it......as long as you don't save up a plethora of mini-battles and unleash them 2 weeks later as a collective onslaught.
> 
> I think it's time the OP and his wife sat down and had a heart-to-heart discussion about this.


A lot of people do that too,it's like being ambushed out of nowhere! 
The longest I simmer is 24 hours.If I don't feel better by the next day,discussions must occur.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Fenix said:


> No. There is a middle ground between your two responses. The first one is abusive and the second one makes you look like a jerk. Your first sentence in the second option was right on. The second sentence was fighting words. You say that to me and my answer would be to eff off.
> 
> Sometimes, the correct response is:
> "oh wow, he must be really stressed...this is not normal" and let it go. Note the not normal.
> ...


It except it sounds like every day is a bad day. So when you excuse the behavoir because they are havign a bad day, it never changes.

Also, I don't see how having a bad day is an excuse. My having one does not excuse me treating others poorly. Not sure why she gets a pass on that here.


----------



## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Tall Average Guy said:


> It except it sounds like every day is a bad day. So when you excuse the behavoir because they are havign a bad day, it never changes.
> 
> Also, I don't see how having a bad day is an excuse. My having one does not excuse me treating others poorly. Not sure why she gets a pass on that here.


Right. I was speaking in generalities. If this is the normal behavior, for sure it is not acceptable.

You know what? People have bad days. I want a partner that can weather them without getting in my grill...and I am happy to do that for him. It's about the long game, not the short game. Of course, I also believe in showing appreciation when I know that my partner bit his tongue and just showed me kindness. I also don't abuse it. I guess that is the difference from some of these other examples.


----------



## beatup (Apr 6, 2013)

CharlotteMcdougall said:


> :iagree:
> 
> We teach people how to treat us.


:iagree:


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

Charlotte what boundaries did you set? How did you do it?


----------



## BackwardFizz (Mar 23, 2014)

I really dislike conflict (although my husband may disagree). I often give in and try to smooth things over even if I feel I was wronged....just to have peace. But I feel this puts me at a disadvantage because he never realizes how hurt I may be by something he has done or said. In his eyes, if she is coming to hug me it couldn't be that bad....but it is...I just find disharmony even more painful. Charlotte I would love to know what you did to get things re-balanced.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

ChargingCharlie said:


> This is spot on, and I'm glad that you finally said something. Mine used to fly off the handle if I missed a parking spot, and I would just stay silent (thinking I'd be the mature, calm one), and I realize now that I should have spoken up. It would have caused a fight, but it would have gotten my side out forcefully, and let her realize that she was being unreasonable.


Yep. Miss a turn while driving and you'd think the world had ended.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Update

Well we had a talk and I was honest with her. Told her I knew she was ill and it must be really tough but she knows I'd do anything for her but she's got to stop taking it out on me and the kids (She does this too).

To be fair for the past week, I've had MUCH less of the usual behaviour which is an improvement. Still the odd strange comment (that was her main problem, lots of little snipes/comments etc) but about 95% improved.

However, she is still REALLY miserable. I guess I can't have it all ways but its like a black cloud walking in the room sometimes. But at least she doesnt take it out on me now. Its progress.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Un-individuated, self actualized, emotionally mature, confident male with strong boundaries is a little too wordy ...

For anyone that is or has been a Nice Guy, they know EXACTLY what it means. Doesn't matter what others think it means if the associated behaviors aren't a factor in their lives or relationships.

If you are a good partner 85% of the time, and all your partner can do is focus on the other 15% ... then you need to call her out. Every single time.

She's lucky to have you. And there is nothing wrong with letting her know it. And letting her know when she has pissed you off, and when she owes you an apology. 

Remember, you teach people how to treat you. You have some work to do with your wife.


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> Update
> 
> Well we had a talk and I was honest with her. Told her I knew she was ill and it must be really tough but she knows I'd do anything for her but she's got to stop taking it out on me and the kids (She does this too).
> 
> ...



Yeah, I know what you are going through. My wife did/does the same thing. She once told me she should be able to vent (her definition of venting was yelling and getting mad at trivial things. ie: parking spots, driving, spoon out of place, dinner not cooks when she walked through the door) at me and kids because she could not at work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

jerry123 said:


> Yeah, I know what you are going through. My wife did/does the same thing. She once told me she should be able to vent (her definition of venting was yelling and getting mad at trivial things. ie: parking spots, driving, spoon out of place, dinner not cooks when she walked through the door) at me and kids because she could not at work.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny my wife says that too. Says whenever she moans about something I jump down her throat.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Thought of something else she said the other day which was bizarre.

After a whole day of constant griping, nagging, whinging, and moaning I finally flipped. Then she says I'm too precious and to get off my high horse. Then also that shes never allowed to give her opinion because I just get upset and cause an argument and its like a form of abuse where shes not allowed to speak up.

Must admit I was somewhat stunned at that one. I did try to explain to her that the problem was that she didn't know when to stop giving her opinion 24/7. 

As an aside, she has an older sister. Difficult to believe but shes way worse than wife. Really. The woman is a complete nightmare - never happy, constantly moaning about her husband etc. Never seen anyone like it. Wonder if its a genetics thing with them lol.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Leave her


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Nicer I am worse I get treated*



bob1471 said:


> Thought of something else she said the other day which was bizarre.
> 
> After a whole day of constant griping, nagging, whinging, and moaning I finally flipped. Then she says I'm too precious and to get off my high horse. Then also that shes never allowed to give her opinion because I just get upset and cause an argument and its like a form of abuse where shes not allowed to speak up.
> 
> ...


You need to change your game.

She has flat out told you how she sees your responses to her behavior. You get loud and angry.

Stop giving her what she expects.

Doesn't really matter what it is, as long as its different than what you usually do


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

DarkHoly said:


> Leave her


Not exactly constructive here....


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Deejo said:


> You need to change your game.
> 
> She has flat out told you how she sees your responses to her behavior. You get loud and angry.
> 
> ...


LOL. True enough. I see what you're saying.

Not sure I know what else to do ;-). Maybe the calm but firm approach is worth a try...


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

*Re: Re: Nicer I am worse I get treated*



bob1471 said:


> LOL. True enough. I see what you're saying.
> 
> Not sure I know what else to do ;-). Maybe the calm but firm approach is worth a try...


Or indifference ... or humor ... or "I'm leaving. We can talk like adults when you can behave like one."


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

bob1471 said:


> LOL. True enough. I see what you're saying.
> 
> Not sure I know what else to do ;-). Maybe the calm but firm approach is worth a try...


This is usually a better option than flipping out. Sometimes it just makes them angrier, but it always makes you look better in retrospect.


----------



## hieronymus (Jan 21, 2012)

Bob: I think you've been given some great advice from a lot of folks on here. Not sure how long you've been married, but take it from someone who has been a "Nice Guy" for most of a 30-year relationship. You can't let her treatment of you continue. It will tear you up. It will creep into your relationship with your children because they will see how Mom treats you and think they should also treat you that way. It will cause you to resent your wife--and she won't even know it--or won't understand why, until one day when you blow up and storm out or have an affair or worse.

It tool me a long time to learn not to be a doormat and, I must admit, I still have doormat tendencies that I have to resist. But as a result my wife is now more self-aware with me, which helps us both to reign in her criticisms and expressions of anger. She now picks up on my non-verbal cues when she crosses a line, without my having to spell it out for her, and then she self-corrects. 

So please do something now or you will lose the opportunity for many happy years in your marriage.


----------



## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

When it comes to people, yeah i agree with others about "nice guy always ends up being hurt in the end".

But relationship? Not really

I think it's important to be nice but there is always times where the partner will force you to be "not so nice".

You can't be nice 100% of the time/perfect...that's just not possible.


----------



## bob1471 (Dec 27, 2013)

Update: Well I've tried not to rise to it and get into the bickering type of argument we used to have. That was a nightmare.

She raised her voice the other day. It was something small and stupid again (like always).

I calmly said to her - I will sort it out, shouting like that is unacceptable. The look on her face was priceless!

Also, she did similar recently. I was in a minor bad mood with our son and she had the nerve to shout at me for being miserable! Started shouting again.

I just stayed calm and told her what I thought. Let her do all the shouting and refused to get drawn into it which made things better.

I must admit in the past I've always got annoyed and thought I had to stick up for myself and fight fire with fire. Used to eat me up inside if I didnt -as if I was letting her walk all over me.

I think this new way may be better. Not that I want to 'win' the argument - I just want peace but its a way for me to feel good that I've not let her get away with it. In a way, being the calm one makes me feel better.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Okay, you're each expressing yourselves, but are either of you really listening to the other? Are you seeking to understand the other?

If you are not, you are not going to resolve the problems. You will always have a somewhat adversarial relationship. Do you really want that?


----------



## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

Yes, just live everyday happy as you can. Her shouting at you over the dumbest things is what some woman do to get their husbands in a bad mood to justify the shouting. Crazy I know but I've seen it first hand. 

A few weeks ago my wife was angry and yelling at me for basically no reason. So I refused to engage, stopped talking to her. Well, that of course pissed her off because she has always used anger as a way to get me going. 

I actually made it clear to her that shouting and yelling at me will not be tolerated. We did not speak for 8 straight days. Those days I made sure to engage the kids with a happy attitude, as if life can go on with or without her. So finally she realized I'm not going to take her yelling crap. 

We talked it out and I again stated that I expected to be spoken to and not be yelled at if she is angry. Next few days I kept the same happy self I had been for the last 2 weeks and won't you know, she has not yelled or screamed at me or kids since. 

And was followed by countless days of sex between her and myself. That's where I took any anger I had out by pounding away and she could not get enough. Spanking, hair pulling, you name it. 

So stick to your guns and don't let up one bit with how you expect to be treated by her. She'll respect you in the end. 

Have great confidence and a don't give a sh!t attitude. You will be noticed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

bob1471 said:


> .... I calmly said to her - I will sort it out, shouting like that is unacceptable. The look on her face was priceless!
> 
> Also, she did similar recently. I was in a minor bad mood with our son and she had the nerve to shout at me for being miserable! Started shouting again.
> 
> I just stayed calm and told her what I thought. Let her do all the shouting and refused to get drawn into it which made things better.


Great progress you have there, Bob.

Maybe googling 'emotional detachment', or 'mental detachment training' can add into your reading list, just to have better control of yourself. I am just saying this because I feel that at one time, I was in the need of this kind of training. I get too involved in the current situation instead of stepping back and taking stock of the situation.


----------

