# Broken beyond years



## Broken Years

I am 29 and have been with my husband for almost 11 years, married for 8 1/2. We have two children and its been a long road of emotional roller coaster events. My husband and I met young and used to party a lot when we met. When I became pregnant in 1999, I left that life as he continued. We used to drink and smoke marijuana. But when I became pregnant, a change came about me where I never looked back. I feel I have been living a double life and shelter my daughters (ages 9 and 6) from all of this because it is not the life I want for them. I have been holding on to this marriage because I thought it was better than a broken home effect on the children. Though they love their father and he does them also, I have recently encountered a week and a half of anxiety attacks (they usually last for a day or two but this one was huge). The attacks leave you feeling crazy, as if you can't pull your thoughts together. At that time I felt like I do not love him anymore, life never changes. Though I've been wanting him by my side living the same life, not feeling shame and sadness anymore, it consumed his life pushing me at a distance. I had told him of my concerns many times and nothing seemed to give. Then after my recent breakdown (as they have happened before) he now quit his habit. The life style I had to live to accommodate his "needs" or "addiction" doing things on my own for so long because the "habit" had kept him separate from us for so long, I no longer want to try to make the marriage work. Now he's reacting like "a man drowning" trying to make it work. It's been a priority issue of money, jobs, making sure he can buy his next "bag", friend involvements etc. I don't know where to go or what to do except seek counseling for myself to see if repair can be done. He has been fighting with me, threatening to leave, telling the girls he doesn't know when he'll see them again leaving me to fix the damage with the girls. Sometimes he'll keep me up all night because he can't sleep to make me as miserable as he feels. I'm worn and broken with no desire to work it out. I feel so lost. I have no where to go, no family to stay with and I'm stuck. I have been trying to "walk with grace" in this knowing I took vows, "for better or for worse" yet I'm feeling like throwing in the towel. He tells me that he knows he's been a "junkie" for 11 years, but why am I giving up on him when he's changed his ways (for 3 weeks now he's quit). Any advice would be helpful.


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