# Is There Still a Chance?



## JanineJ

Last year I went through a bit of an emotional and mental crisis and walked out on my marriage for no reason because I was convinced everything about my life was wrong. Needless to say it has destroyed my husband and it's taken months for us to get to a place where we can actually have a decent conversation and just have a nice, relaxed time together.

For the last 3 months I have been in therapy and I've been trying to fix things with him but he is naturally very guarded, closed off and cold most of the time as he no longer trusts me. He can't tell me whether he wants to try again but he also can't tell me whether he feels we should go our seperate ways either. We are currently not living together and havent been for the last 6 months. 

I am more than willing to fight for him and do what it takes to regain his trust but is it even worth it if the "fixing" is only really coming from my side? I guess I am just not sure what I should do to try and fix this anymore. More space? More loving words? I would do anything to repair my marriage. The anger and sadness and despair that I am feeling can't go on as I am losing myself completely. Do you think he will ever be able to give me an answer as to whether he wants to give this a shot again or is the fact that he is spending time with me an indication that he does want to?


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## Tatsuhiko

I think it's going to take time. I can understand his position--how can he know that this won't happen again? Maybe if you've figured out the reasons that it happened in the first place, he'll be more likely to believe that those reasons won't happen again. Maybe the 2 of you should meet with your therapist on a regular basis and he/she can provide more insight.


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## Tatsuhiko

Back in November, you said the issue was inside _you_ and had nothing to do with him: "I was feeling unhappy and unfulfilled within myself. Unfortunately it took me leaving for me to realise that he was never the issue."

But today it sounds like you're implying that he needs to work on himself too: "...but is it even worth it if the "fixing" is only really coming from my side?"

As long as you don't have a handle on what the problem is, there's no way he can trust you. Is it him, or is it you?


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## JanineJ

What I meant by fixing is that if he isn't willing to give things another shot too then is there any point in me trying. The issue was definitely all me and not him.


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## TAMAT

Janine,

I could be wrong but it sounds like you were in an emotion affair with someone possibly in a physical affair as well.

If the above is true then have you been completely honest and open about it to your H?

Tamat


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## BarbedFenceRider

" but is it even worth it if the "fixing" is only really coming from my side? I guess I am just not sure what I should do to try and fix this anymore."

You even said it.... 

And if you can say that, no. It's not salvageable. You STBXH sees right through you. Men/husbands need to be the protector and provider in marriage. Instead of relying on him when you needed help and security, you bolted. The going got a little tough and you folded. Sorry, but it's true. You took that job away from him. And like most guys, it is VERY HARD to earn it back.

If you were truly serious about the love for this man, you would throw caution to the wind and fight for him. But you instead, weigh the options and calculate the relationship....That will get you nowhere.


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## Andy1001

You said in your original thread that you continuously threatened your husband with divorce and then you left him.
Please accept what I’m going to tell you is not me trying to kick you when you are down, but you seem like hard work.Your husband has probably become happy in his single life after a period of readjustment and now he has you telling him you have changed and want things to go back to normal.He sees no benefit in this and possibly feels that he is in a better place without you.Normal was what got you into this situation in the first place,he is wondering what has changed.
In life we are advised to judge people on what they do,not what they say.You have a long road ahead of you in convincing your husband to reconcile,it may take many months and I wonder are you prepared to put in the work.
Either way I wish you luck.


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## Tron

In your opinion are you worth another shot?


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## sa58

WOW!

So you walked away and now you want to come back.
You destroyed your husband for what ever reason EA/PA
and it did not work out. If he is not willing to try again
and he may not want to (Trust issues) then you cannot 
do anything. He may just not want to take the chance
of getting destroyed again.


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## Evinrude58

You asked if you had a chance.

So I will tell you that if he spends any time with you at all, then ther is. And since men, on average, can’t tirn their **** off like women can, yo can probably get him back:

However, as someone else pointed out—- you don’t want him all that badly or you wouldn’t even be questioning if it’s “worth fixing”.

You threatened the man with divorce repeatedly, although he hadn’t done a whole lot wrong? I find that unconscionable behavior and if he is worth having, it will be a long time before he takes you back, if ever.


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## Lostinthought61

Janine,

question is the your name on the deed of the place, if it is, might i suggest that you think about moving in one of the spare bedrooms, and here is my reason. Also I read your other post from last year, and i get the sense there was no infidelity on either side is that correct? so my reason is that you really can not build back a relationship if your only seeing each other once a week or so...at least under the same roof you can slowly break down those barriers, you see someone every day you have a chance to talk even if only to express your fears...also being at home you can slowly do things for him, make dinner, or breakfast...go for a walk...but living apart makes it too easy for him to move on without you. Truly wish you well.


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## sokillme

JanineJ said:


> Last year I went through a bit of an emotional and mental crisis and walked out on my marriage for no reason because I was convinced everything about my life was wrong. Needless to say it has destroyed my husband and it's taken months for us to get to a place where we can actually have a decent conversation and just have a nice, relaxed time together.
> 
> For the last 3 months I have been in therapy and I've been trying to fix things with him but he is naturally very guarded, closed off and cold most of the time as he no longer trusts me. He can't tell me whether he wants to try again but he also can't tell me whether he feels we should go our seperate ways either. We are currently not living together and havent been for the last 6 months.
> 
> I am more than willing to fight for him and do what it takes to regain his trust but is it even worth it if the "fixing" is only really coming from my side? I guess I am just not sure what I should do to try and fix this anymore. More space? More loving words? I would do anything to repair my marriage. The anger and sadness and despair that I am feeling can't go on as I am losing myself completely. Do you think he will ever be able to give me an answer as to whether he wants to give this a shot again or is the fact that he is spending time with me an indication that he does want to?


Did you cheat at all? Even emotionally? Honestly if you have to ask if it is worth it I think you should let him move on. You already destroyed him once, he has to be safe with you and you aren't even sure if it is worth it? Maybe there is too much water under the bridge maybe you are just not at a place where you can be in a long term monogamous relationship.


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## Townes

All the risks and rewards have him stuck in ambivalence, which is to be expected. My concern is he'll passively go along with this "reconciliation" without ever firmly making the decision that's what he wants. I think you should leave the poor guy alone. If he decides he wants you back he can initiate it. He needs a chance to get his equilibrium back after being trapped on the rollercoaster that is his wife.


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## poida

Sounds like there is a lot more to the back story here. 
Are you re-writing history?
What is the honest truth? EA/PA?


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## BluesPower

JanineJ said:


> What I meant by fixing is that if he isn't willing to give things another shot too then is there any point in me trying. The issue was definitely all me and not him.


You left and really hurt your husband, so you have to put yourself out there. 

I am assuming that you did not cheat on him, so he is just hurt because you left him. 

But since the issue is you, you have to take the risk that he will not want to stay with you. You have to put the work in if you have any chance of saving your marriage. 

In short, you caused this, and you have to fix it. And, there is not guarantee that he will choose you. 

So you have to decide what you can live with...


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## Smooth1981

Once you cheated you destroyed your foundation of trust. Now you want home back cause your affair didn’t work out...I hope he moves on to a women who will treat him better than you did.


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## Wutsoutdere

JanineJ said:


> Last year I went through a bit of an emotional and mental crisis and walked out on my marriage for no reason because I was convinced everything about my life was wrong. Needless to say it has destroyed my husband and it's taken months for us to get to a place where we can actually have a decent conversation and just have a nice, relaxed time together.
> 
> For the last 3 months I have been in therapy and I've been trying to fix things with him but he is naturally very guarded, closed off and cold most of the time as he no longer trusts me. He can't tell me whether he wants to try again but he also can't tell me whether he feels we should go our seperate ways either. We are currently not living together and havent been for the last 6 months.
> 
> I am more than willing to fight for him and do what it takes to regain his trust but is it even worth it if the "fixing" is only really coming from my side? I guess I am just not sure what I should do to try and fix this anymore. More space? More loving words? I would do anything to repair my marriage. The anger and sadness and despair that I am feeling can't go on as I am losing myself completely. Do you think he will ever be able to give me an answer as to whether he wants to give this a shot again or is the fact that he is spending time with me an indication that he does want to?


Listen Janine,

I did exactly what you did. 12 years ago I left. I had my unreasonable reasons. The truth is I had a breakdown. Lost my ****. 7 months later I realized I was off course. 

I went back and started fixing stuff. My chronic pain from an accident, my sleep issues, I wen to counseling for a couple years. I took all responsibility. About 1 year after going back my wife started to vent her anger. It’s not as bad as at first but 12 years later she still resents me.

No matter how much you take the ball and run with it, your partner has to be all in or all out. He has to forgive you and force himself out onto that branch again so he can see if you saw it off. You can’t do it alone, even if it is your fault. 

But remember you are in the super early stages. Brace up for the long hall. You are prematurely impatient.


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