# he likes porn: I feel terrible



## lostlately (Feb 17, 2011)

Title says it all. I accidentally found he'd been going to porn sites on MY computer...(he doesn't own one). But won't have sex with me. I am attractive, fit, but I sure don't look like that. It makes me feel ashamed of my body, which is strong and healthy. I am 53 and people stop me on the street to say I am beautiful, but I can't believe it because the man I love doesn't think so. We used to have sex all the time, but only when I initiated. After 10 years i got tired of reaching for him all the time...now this.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im sorry lost  i truly know how much that hurts


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

You need to talk to him about this and let him explain why he looks at it before you get too worked up. The looking at it while not having sex with you is a bit troublesome on the surface.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lostlately (Feb 17, 2011)

cloudfly said:


> yup,talk to him about this.


oh lordy i have, i have tried to be as non-judgmental as i can. i realize it is a very personable and intimate thing, and i realize you can really wound someone by making them feel ashamed of himself. But he needs to be more careful and not leave it on a computer that is not his. (all i did was hit the back button from a current, harmless, page he had left it on...i was trying to check my email...and BAM, punch to the gut.) 
Anyway, yes, i've talked to him and told him it hurts me. he feels terrible about it. Says it's like reaching for a donut you know is bad for you. I understand, trouble is; he still makes that choice to do it, and the result is, we can't have sex. It's hard for him to get a hard on because i don't look like that, and it's hard for me to not worry that he's got those images in his head. Checkmate.
He feels bad, but i guess not bad enough. I find my self esteem is tanking.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I so know how you feel. I have fought with my H about this for years. The last time I found it i told him it is either me or the porn. I already have issues with my self, my body. I don't need my H throwing that **** in my face too. And when we are not having sex it makes it A LOT worse.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lostlately said:


> i've talked to him and told him it hurts me. he feels terrible about it. Says it's like reaching for a donut you know is bad for you. I understand, trouble is; he still makes that choice to do it, and the result is, we can't have sex. It's hard for him to get a hard on because i don't look like that, and it's hard for me to not worry that he's got those images in his head.


It is a tremendous issue if he is using this over you.

I was talking to a friend the other day, she told me in their youth, her & her husband used to watch porn together, but found after awhile she was not being able to get aroused by her husband-without it. Because of THIS, they stopped watching it. This set them back in tune with each other. She was a Christian too, which was interesting. She did admit to enjoying it & understood it's allure, even as a woman. 

This doesn't happen to everyone, so not a blanket thing here, but it can -*even in very loving marraiges*. So he NEEDS to stop-for himself, for you, for the marraige. Sounds like he is ashamed, and he does not want to be doing it but feels compelled like a very strong magnet in these times he is alone. It can be very addicting for men, he is surely not alone ! At the very least, he needs to make a commitment to NOT masterbate, and saving himself for you. MY husband has looked forever but he always saved himself. 

When is he sneeking this ? Late at night, while you are at work? IF at all possible, come to his aid during those times (example late at night-stay up with him) or better yet, set your alarm an hour early -wake him up in the AM with a Bj (mens Test levels are highest then) - I doubt he will push you away! -- if he is getting a release then, he is less likely to be masterbating to it later in the day. And these encounters will build intimacy between the 2 of you. 


Here is a forum for Porn Addiction, maybe you or he can find some support here : Support Board • Index page


----------



## prettylady01 (Feb 25, 2011)

Ok, we all need to wake up as women. Lots of men look at porn! LOTS! We need to get out of the mindset that porn is a horrible thing. If he is spending your life savings on it, that isnt healthy, but it sounds to me like he is just compensating for some emotional issues that havent been resolved between the two of you.

Now in the case of him choosing that over having sex with you then that is most likely a communication issue between the both of you. You can tell him up and down how it hurts you but he will not get it. If he sees porn like it is a sin then he feels bad about himself and he feels like he can not perform for you. He knows it hurts you but it hurts him too and that is only because he feels ashamed. 

I had this issue with my husband a few years ago, he would watch porn and we barley had sex. After digging deep he actually thought that asking for lots of sex was treating me like a **** and he respected me too much for that. Crazy right!?!? We all have these crazy limiting beliefs that we grew up with and your hubby could have something weird that he grew up hearing that could be the main cause of him watching porn instead of being with you. 

Now, my H and I watch porn together! I got over being jealous of anything, it starts with your inner confidence and your inner strength to melt him and seduce him. It is fun! and it doesn't happen automatically. Love is a verb, it is an action and this passion and sexual chemistry is something that needs to be worked at.

I recommend 2 books, they will change your life! This is what really got my hubby and I talking about our intimate life and our life in general. Both by an author named David Deida, one is called "Dear Lover" (for women) and the other "The way of the superior man" (for men, but you should read it to understand men better) Totally opened my eyes!! I now understand why he does what he does and I feel validated and empowered because I understand why I do what I do. 

Our happiness is our own responsibility. He is not addicted to Porn, it just takes some open communication and a bit of knowledge about how we work as humans on a sexual level. Please read the books, they aren't long and are easy to read and understand. Good luck to you!!


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Agree with all the responses here. Him watching porn but not performing for you is adding insult to injury. But then the problem is that porn is not the full problem, but part of it. Wish I could help you more with this but really have no experience with this.


----------



## Rob774 (Sep 27, 2010)

I feel sorry for the OP as well. I'm a porm guy, heck i just finished watching some. But guess what, it doesn't bother my sex life one iota, if anything, it increases my desire for my wife. Sometimes i'll look for women who look like her or have a body that looks like hers ( she has a curvy body). I've heard this topic discussed many times on here, and i agree with everyone, that once it interferes with his desire towards you, it is indeed a problem. YOu just have to address it in a way that is not threatening. Few people enjoy getting told what to do, especially when you feel guilty enough about what you are doing. Handle it with kid gloves but at the same time be stern in your approach about how much it upsets you. If my wife (34) remembles anything like she does when she's 53, my desire won't wain 1 bit. Heck, even if her body doesn't hold up, my desire still will be there because i agreed to do such things when we walked down the aisle together.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Straight porn? Maybe there's something else going on.


----------



## QuietCoolGeek (Feb 28, 2011)

Forgive me for drawing conclusions... But I believe I read that you stopped initiating sex, you stopped having sex, and now he's watching porn, right?

Maybe you should start initiating sex again.


----------



## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

Lost, from your words I can tell that you are beautiful. 

When I was a teenager my dad made a comment to me about porn. He said, "if you can't touch it, it won't do you any good." I've never understood the allure of it. For me, porn doesn't take the place of sex and sex doesn't take the place of love and intimacy. 

I agree with others, there must be an issue(s) compounded by a communication problem. I doubt that it has anything to do with your attractiveness. Don't let those thoughts get into your head as you explore the problem.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Yeah I'm weird that way. A man who's not all that fascinated by porn. Never have been. I'd rather listen to a woman breathe.


----------



## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

Hey Lostlately
just read your post and have complete empathy with you - my situation is similar (I posted today) and we are similar ages also. It is difficult to not feel rejected and I'm sure it's not the actual porn that's the issue so much as the apparent preference for it. You are at least discussing it which is more than we do - good luck - I understand exactly how you must feel.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

QuietCoolGeek said:


> Forgive me for drawing conclusions... But I believe I read that you stopped initiating sex, you stopped having sex, and now he's watching porn, right?
> 
> Maybe you should start initiating sex again.


No..she said they only had sex when SHE initiated. I would think that would get old after awhile. He is making her feel like shes not important enough for him to even initiate.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You said he is looking at it on YOUR computer. So does he live with you? Or does he look at it when he is over and you're not in the room? 

Bottom line, its YOUR computer. You have every right to password protect it. That would be the first step. You might not can control what he does on his own stuff, but you sure can if its yours.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Hate to tell you this.

But talking, nagging, pleading, begging, etc., WILL NOT change his behavior one bit until HE thinks it's a problem.

And he doesn't, apparently.

So at this point you have to ask yourself:

- Can I deal with this?
- Is it okay (for me)?

And if the answer is NO, then you are left with one choice - leave.

Sorry this is blunt, but I have been and am where you are at and nothing I said worked so I had to make a decision.

I did - I stayed for several reasons.

Your choice.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Women have to understand that looking at porn while masturbating is a much more intense sexual experience for _*some*_ men than partner sex is. It is a just a fact of life. 

Men are turned on by newness and variety. This is both why porn is a multibillion dollar business and why so many men love it. So much so that in many cases, a lot married men turn away from partner sex with their wives and prefer to go it alone with porn.

The only other sexual experience which is just as intense as masturbating while looking at porn is when a sexual relationship is first starting.

Some men can walk the fine line between masturbating while watching porn and still having sex with their wives or long time girlfriends. But many find that once a relationship has been going on for awhile they start losing desire for the real thing because they get so used to the constant variety and intense experience of the porn.

Some men can and do manage to stay away from porn or use it only once in awhile. But as you can see from reading the posts here and elsewhere on the internet from frantic women wondering where the sex went, many men simply cannot resist.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Women have to understand that looking at porn while masturbating is a much more intense sexual experience for men than partner sex is. It is a just a fact of life.
> 
> Men are turned on by newness and variety. This is both why porn is a multibillion dollar business and why so many men love it. So much so that in many cases, a lot married men turn away from partner sex with their wives and prefer to go it alone with porn.
> 
> ...


You have to understand that not all men are like that. I am thankfully not married to one and if I were, I'd be looking for a new man.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Mr B said:


> Women have to understand that looking at porn while masturbating is a much more intense sexual experience for men than partner sex is. It is a just a fact of life.


This is like saying a man prefers a drive-through hamburger at Macdonalds over a T-bone steak grilled at home.

We've all gotten the burger, but I would much prefer the steak.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr. B,
Preferring porn over sex is not a fact of life. That might be your life, but not others. If my memory serves correct, you also previously mentioned that you have never been attracted to your wife, cannot be intimate with her and only married because you wanted a family. So your reality is obviously going to be alot different than others.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

trey69 said:


> You said he is looking at it on YOUR computer. So does he live with you? Or does he look at it when he is over and you're not in the room?
> 
> Bottom line, its YOUR computer. You have every right to password protect it. That would be the first step. You might not can control what he does on his own stuff, but you sure can if its yours.


:iagree: Yep, if that is in fact your computer he is on, then you should put a password on it. If it were me, and he was doing that, and I put a password on it and he got all pissy, that would speak volumes and he would get to steppin' on out the door! 

If he wants to look at it so bad you need to tell him to get his own computer then. You never know what people might be looking at. I mean, what if he was looking at something illegal on your computer? Guess who the cops would bust if it was found on your computer, you, because its yours.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Doesn't matter, the numbers speak for themselves. By far the vast majority of men who have made porn a billion dollar business are married. I guess a lot of guys just prefer "hamburger" If I recall McDonald's is a pretty successful business too.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Doesn't matter, the numbers speak for themselves. By far the vast majority of men who have made porn a billion dollar business are married. I guess a lot of guys just prefer "hamburger" If I recall McDonald's is a pretty successful business too.


Uhhh yeah and those that over indulge at McDonald's are overweight, unhealthy and far more likely to have problems with their physical health.

I prefer a man that eats his veggies. He has to love my melons and I will enjoy his carrot.
:lol:


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Doesn't matter, the numbers speak for themselves. By far the vast majority of men who have made porn a billion dollar business are married. I guess a lot of guys just prefer "hamburger" If I recall McDonald's is a pretty successful business too.


I agree with you however I think alot of that industry is driven by guys who want to have sex be it with their wives, gf's but aren't as often as they like so they turn to porn. I have rarely met a guy who prefers porn over sex. That was all I was saying.


----------



## Draguna (Jan 13, 2011)

Mr B said:


> Doesn't matter, the numbers speak for themselves. By far the vast majority of men who have made porn a billion dollar business are married. I guess a lot of guys just prefer "hamburger" If I recall McDonald's is a pretty successful business too.


Yes, but if you'd give the man the choice between a good homemade burger with love or McDo with all their conservatives, most would choose for the good homemade one. The advantage is that McDo is always willing to serve you as long as you pay


----------



## reachingshore (Jun 10, 2010)

I suppose Mr B hasn't seen "Super Size Me" :rofl:


----------



## Camper (Feb 26, 2011)

See internet for Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Sex (or masturbation) may fill a physiological need, but it doesn't fulfill the higher need of love and belonging (sexual intimacy).

Porn doesn't come close to loving ones wife if she is loving you back. Porn is like trading cake and ice cream for antifreeze.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

MB - you have many of the signs of an addiction - you lost touch with reality, isolate yourself so you can indulge your porn, addict rationalize that everybody is or will become like them makes them feel normal, they can't stop even if there are negative consequences. 

The time an addicts spends viewing porn is time that they don't interact with their children, their life probably revolves around getting for fix of porn, reluctant to go to places with the family because it takes them away from porn. If 90 % or more of watch porn if all in long- term relationships replace their partners with imaginary women, who are just there to be f**ked instead of interacting with their family, we would have an epidemic of dysfunctional kids who grew up in households where their father a gazing at a computer screen. Their interaction with women change they see them as worthy sex object or not. They may even try to pick up a object to masturbate into. 

It is possible that a large proportion of boys who grow up with easily available internet porn will have trouble with relationships and spend their lives sitting in front of computer screens but when that happens porn will be recognized for the problem is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Lay off Mr. B. Okay? He has childhood issues and not ones that should be laughed at. Read his former posts and you can understand where he is coming from.
What I was saying is that he doesn't represent most men in that porn is more important than real sex. I wasn't ridiculing him, I was trying to point out that his perspective is different than most.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Trenton said:


> I prefer a man that eats his veggies. He has to love my melons and I will enjoy his carrot.
> :lol:


Forget porn, nothing hotter than a woman who can use the language creatively, for me at least.

But OK point taken I have rewritten that post to qualify it.

As for me this has nothing to do with my own porn preferences which are pretty well nil these days because the lack of sex in my life makes watching porn a very depressing and unhappy experience and it is hard to get turned on when you are in that frame of mind. It just reminds me of what I'm NOT getting. I used to like it until I stopped seeing the sex and starting noticing the actual relationship. Mind you I only watched real couple porn never the Hollywood stuff which I always hated. I'm in the business myself- film not porn- so I know all the tricks and the mainstream stuff was just too fake for me. But give me a real life couple with a home movie camera going at it and having real orgasms and that used to be hot. But like I said, I think, in the end, it became TOO real for me. I just suddenly one day found myself feeling very sad while watching and that feeling never went away.

No, on this thread I am simply reporting what is obvious to anyone who types "husband prefers porn" or "porn addicted husband" on Google or who reads the posts on sites like this one. And hopefully I'll provide a little insight into why porn is such a big draw for (SOME) guys generally. It really nothing to do with my history or my own take on the subject, which by the way, I am more than happy to talk about.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Women have to understand that looking at porn while masturbating is a much more intense sexual experience for _*some*_ men than partner sex is. It is a just a fact of life.


Great!

Then stay single.

No wife/woman to nag you about it or expect you to give her something that you are unwilling to give because having sex with yourself is more important.

Then no more problem.


----------



## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Camper said:


> See internet for Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Sex (or masturbation) may fill a physiological need, but it doesn't fulfill the higher need of love and belonging (sexual intimacy).
> 
> Porn doesn't come close to loving ones wife if she is loving you back. Porn is like trading cake and ice cream for antifreeze.


:smthumbup:


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Great!
> 
> Then stay single.
> 
> ...


You miss the point. In this case I was/am talking about married men only


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mr B said:


> As for me this has nothing to do with my own porn preferences which are pretty well nil these days because the lack of sex in my life makes watching porn a very depressing and unhappy experience and it is hard to get turned on when you are in that frame of mind. It just reminds me of what I'm NOT getting. I used to like it until I stopped seeing the sex and starting noticing the actual relationship.


Why have you given up on finding a relationship? I can see no reason to give up on such a basic life need unless you have talked your self into being hopelessness. 

So what lies have you told yourself about the possibility of a loving relationship? :scratchhead:


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> Why have you given up on finding a relationship? I can see no reason to give up on such a basic life need unless you have talked your self into being hopelessness.
> 
> So what lies have you told yourself about the possibility of a loving relationship? :scratchhead:


I don't want to hijack this thread talking about myself. But let me say just the fact you think that there are lies I may have told myself is very sweet and shows you have a good heart. Thanks. You made my day.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Mr B said:


> Forget porn, nothing hotter than a woman who can use the language creatively, for me at least.
> 
> But OK point taken I have rewritten that post to qualify it.
> 
> ...


OK, I got you. Now find your carrot and stick it in some dip. You'll be thankful you went veggie.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Trenton said:


> OK, I got you. Now find your carrot and stick it in some dip. You'll be thankful you went veggie.


I'm trying, believe me I am trying. Not a day goes by where I am not pursuing that very thing. It's frustrating but I try to remain optimistic.


----------

