# Wife says "I just don't like to have sex."



## Mr.Confused (Apr 30, 2013)

We have been married for about 3 years. I understand before a marriage that sex will die down but I never would have thought it would just die off. The first year of our marriage it was ok, she always said I don't want a relationship of just having sex 2-3 times a month. So, we laid some guide lines down, this was her idea, to have sex at least 2 a week. She admitted she brought that up so she would not feel guilty or hurt me and that hurts me, I don't want a sexual relationship based on guilt. But this lasted about a year. 

After the past year we started to only have sex in the shower, which is just a way to get it over with. I was ok with it but I noticed that she was just not into it, and then i realized she hasn't been into sex for the past 2 years. 

I confronted her about that she was not into it, she would just stand there, wouldn't let me go down on her or go down on me. She said "I just don’t like to have sex; there are a lot of girls that just don't want to." I am a little confused on that. Is that right or am I over analyzing it. She said about 50% of woman don't want to have sex with their partners just cause. No reasoning of her attractiveness or her sex drive. 

During this past year I noticed that I don’t last as long as I use to. There has been two times that I tried to get her exited in bed, not in the shower, and it was working. I can tell she was enjoying it because she was pulling me more into her. But this made me last longer and after a short while she stopped and asked me if everything was, OK? For me of course, that was the best we had sex in years.

But the main thing I am sooooo confused about; Do 50% of woman have no sex drive and only have sex to please the man or is there something I am done wrong or something else?

Note: In the past month she has seemed different and I think she might be cheating or wanting to.

Here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72542-dont-now-if-wife-cheating.html


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Marriage is a sexual commitment to one another. Otherwise it's just a good friendship or sibling relationship. Neither of which you need a marriage license to enjoy. 
If you thing she having an affair she very likely having at least a EA. Get a VAR..voice activated recorder. Put it in her car...now!
Truth is it may not be "I just dont want to have sex". What she may be trying to tell you is "I just don't want to have sex with you"


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## vegasruby (Apr 30, 2013)

I don't know about the 50% of women not wanting sex. I think there is more not wanting sex than most people think. Porn and the media has people thinking women are nymphs. As far as I go, I do not need much sex. I wouldn't say I would be fine if I never had sex again. I'd want it like maybe once every 4-6 months.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Yes - I think it is possible for a woman to just not like sex. I felt that way for years. I'm in my mid 40's now and my sex drive got a lot higher in the last year. When I was not interested in sex at all, I equated it to food, sports, or anything - there are some foods you don't like. Was there something wrong with me that I just didn't like chocolate ice cream? Maybe I just didn't like it. And that's how I felt for years. I didn't like it and felt that if I never had sex again, I wouldn't miss it. I want to point out, though, that my husband and I still had sex probably 1x/week because I knew it was important to him, and I initiated every now and then because I thought that that is what I should do.

What turned it around for me was reading erotica novels which made sex sound really hot to me. It made me want it that way too. 

Maybe you need to read books with you wife on how to improve your sex life. Maybe things got boring real fast. Maybe you're not a good lover? Maybe if you try new things, you'll get that spark back.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

When a woman says she doesn't like sex, she usually means that she doesn't like sex *with you*.

Read Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

OP your wife is 'LD" for you.. she is rationalizing her behavior.

Time to fix you and correct your marital dynamics.
Its solvable but it takes time and commitment.

Many will say she is cheating... that is not usually the case unless you believe most people are cheaters.

Settle in for the long haul.. takes years.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Mr.Confused said:


> But the main thing I am sooooo confused about; Do 50% of woman have no sex drive and only have sex to please the man or is there something I am done wrong or something else?
> 
> Note: In the past month she has seemed different and I think she might be cheating or wanting to.
> 
> Here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/72542-dont-now-if-wife-cheating.html


Based on your other thread, she is using the 50% argument to throw you off. Does not matter if it is true or not. There are a ton of signs indicating that she is interested in someone else, which is likely translating into her not wanting to have sex with you.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr.Confused said:


> We have been married for about 3 years. I understand before a marriage that sex will die down but I never would have thought it would just die off. The first year of our marriage it was ok, she always said I don't want a relationship of just having sex 2-3 times a month. So, we laid some guide lines down, this was her idea, to have sex at least 2 a week. She admitted she brought that up so she would not feel guilty or hurt me and that hurts me, I don't want a sexual relationship based on guilt. But this lasted about a year.
> 
> After the past year we started to only have sex in the shower, which is just a way to get it over with. I was ok with it but I noticed that she was just not into it, and then i realized she hasn't been into sex for the past 2 years.
> 
> ...


You may have treated her well and a$$holes who are more distant are more attractive to her because they are a challenge. It's how some think.

I don't think 50% don't want to have sex. There is a percentage that doesn't want to have sex though and we have to accept that yes, there is LD people.

I believe alot of it has to do with hormones, after all that affects how we feel and how we percieve things.

How is her own self image?

How is her image of you?

How was she dealing with and seeing the world before you?

Have you tried other ways of connecting with her, without appearing to try? That's the other part.

They know you want it, and they don't feel they have to give it, so it creates a resentment in them.

To the HD it feels like being "fed crumbs" of affection. The barest barest minimum.

You have to find a way to flip the dynamic, if it is at all possible.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not everyone likes horses but those who don't shouldn't sign up to be a jockey. She's basically a fraud. She signed on to be your mate. That position requires mating. People are welcome to be sexless zombies but they don't need to drag a healthy sexual being into their sexless hell. She can have a guy for a buddy, a pen pal, a roommate, a workmate, but accepting your marriage proposal was her agreement to be a sexual partner. If she becomes a mother will she feed her child? What if she's not hungry, herself?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

From your other thread, the problem isn't her liking sex. She is wanting it with someone else and is throwing you minimal duty sex to keep to off her back,

Women in relationships that the value want to have sex. Maybe not crazy porn sex, but they do want sex. It's part of the natural bonding between husband and wife,

When she withdraws sex , it is her showing her withdrawal from commitment to bonding with you and being in the marriage.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Shaggy said:


> From your other thread, the problem isn't her liking sex. She is wanting it with someone else and is throwing you minimal duty sex to keep to off her back,
> 
> Women in relationships that the value want to have sex. Maybe not crazy porn sex, but they do want sex. It's part of the natural bonding between husband and wife,
> 
> When she withdraws sex , it is her showing her withdrawal from commitment to bonding with you and being in the marriage.


Who says the sex we see in porn is the highest level of sex at all? It's all for the show and the male fantasy.

I didn't say the highest level was straight love making either, but theirs way more to it than they potray.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> From your other thread, the problem isn't her liking sex. She is wanting it with someone else and is throwing you minimal duty sex to keep to off her back,
> 
> Women in relationships that the value want to have sex. Maybe not crazy porn sex, but they do want sex. It's part of the natural bonding between husband and wife,
> 
> When she withdraws sex , it is her showing her withdrawal from commitment to bonding with you and being in the marriage.


Not necessarily... Sex is separate from love and marital bonds.(In women)

I know that is the thinking around here but it is wrong if she isn't having sex that's it.

Your wife can be completely in love with you, not though once about leaving you and still not have sex with you over issues in your marriage. It can be a focus issue more than anything.

They are all separate. Together the enhance each other... big difference.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I remember reading this, men are like light switches, on and off. Women are live stoves and need to be pre-heated.

Men are built on test and have much higher sex drives compared to women.

Both men and women can be LD, many posts here on TAM but I would say more women than men are LD.

Normal sex 2x week from the beginning of your marriage?

Now hardly any sex and its only been 3 years?

My wife is the same as your wife and I've been married for 13+ years now. She is LD and so is your wife. She's more concerned to make sure she pleases you than herself getting pleasure or an orgasm.

Is she cheating? Probably not. We have LD women and get used to a minimal sex life marriage dude. Unless she goes to the Dr and gets meds to increase her hormones, sorry man, not much you can do.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

She gets something out of the marriage. It's not sex and probably not intimacy. My guess is financial security. Just say "I do" and at least half of your living expenses are paid by someone else. Like winning the lottery.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not buying the stove argument in this case. She entered into this marriage disinterested in sex. During the ceremony, she was probably dreading the honeymoon and rehearsing excuses. In the first year, she had to make a nookie schedule to force herself to have sex with her husband. Her libido didn't die as a result of neglect or anything else. It just wasn't genuinely there.


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## JoeRockStar (Jun 5, 2012)

This husband would say "then I just don't like being married to you" followed by "Goodbye".


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I find women's sex drive to be a mystery.

It is like they need it and like it, but don't realize it. And they don't put much thought or work into it.

When my wife and I are happiest, is when we have had sex recently. The first couple of days after making love, we are closer. We talk more, we help each other out more, etc. I have talked to her about this and she agrees. It isn't just me being happier, it is both of us.

But yet a few days later, she will reject me. Stay up late to avoid intimacy. 

I will hug her in bed and I can tell she is tense. She will sometimes move so that it is difficult to hug her. If I persist, I can actually feel the tension go away. I can feel her relax. When we get intimate, she gets very turned on and loves every minute of it.

It just makes no sense to me when I think about the feelings we share when making love and how we are afterwards, that it isn't a priority for her to ensure we have together time. 

The result is we make love 2 or 3 times a month. We are happy and content maybe 10 days a month. The rest of the time, there is tension. It is obvious to me how to make our life happier.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

Mr.Confused said:


> I understand before a marriage that sex will die down...


Wrong; 100% wrong.

People's sexual drives don't change (certainly not in 3 short years) unless there has been some intervening event to cause a hormonal change (like having a baby). 

What does change is their view of their spouse; how sexually attracted they are to their spouse. 

You're no longer the forbidden good time she had when she was single, you're the guy she has to cook and do laundry for. You're no longer the boyfriend she has to please to keep around, you're the husband she's stuck with.

I'd wager her sexual drive is no different than the day before you married her, but she's no longer sexually attracted to you.

You're probably focused on being a good husband. But, the woman part of your wife is sexually attracted to MEN, not to husbands. During your courtship, your now wife was attracted to you as a man--she didn't see you as a husband--she saw you as a man. When she agreed to marry you, she agreed to marry the MAN she had been dating.

This seems to be a common pattern. Married men focus so much on being good husbands and fathers, they forget about being a man. If you can sum up the "Married Man Sex Life" book in one line, that it: you need to learn to be a man again to sexually excite your wife.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> Wrong; 100% wrong.
> 
> People's sexual drives don't change (certainly not in 3 short years) unless there has been some intervening event to cause a hormonal change (like having a baby).
> 
> ...


That about sums it up. A good husband IS a MAN. Unfortunately it's not usually going to rile up a bunch of sexual attraction and energy.


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## Blue Firefly (Mar 6, 2013)

treyvion said:


> That about sums it up. A good husband IS a MAN. Unfortunately it's not usually going to rile up a bunch of sexual attraction and energy.


A better word here might be MASCULINE.

I was certainly taught that taking care of your family--being a good husband and father--were the hallmarks of being a man.

But, I've come to realize that women have an entirely different definition of man. It has less to with what most males think of as being a man, and more to do with overt, almost stereotypical masculine traits.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Blue Firefly said:


> A better word here might be MASCULINE.
> 
> I was certainly taught that taking care of your family--being a good husband and father--were the hallmarks of being a man.
> 
> But, I've come to realize that women have an entirely different definition of man. It has less to with what most males think of as being a man, and more to do with overt, almost stereotypical masculine traits.


A male provider may have thought some of those "stereotypical masculine" traits, where "catty". But it's what they respond to.

The hunt will always be on now that I know this.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

For many women, they love the chase and to try get something they don't have. But when they finally get it, the chase is over and its onto the next thing.

Could of been she was LD to begin with and did the bait and switch with you. Good sex to get you, married and then her true LD comes out.

I know a co-worker in his mid 20's and his gf had a very HD. They had sex every day, many times each day and she would get angry when they didn't have sex for only a few days. She got pregnant, is due soon and still has sex with him and she's hot, could be a model and cooks too.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Ok, if this was a normal situation I would say throw out the ideas that he isn't "man" enough or she wants sex ... but not with him or she is having an affair. 

Life happens. When you are dating and all things are fresh and new, sex happens. You are discovering each other. This is true of people with LD too. You tend to focus more on each other and not all your other responsibilities. The sex is freaking awesome. Once you are married and involved in the day-to-day, you tend to focus on building a life together. You have responsibilities. You are less apt to spend an entire day naked under the sheet and more likely to cut the grass, clean the bathrooms, shop for groceries and pay the bills. If you are someone with a LD then sex especially takes a backseat to those things. It does not necessarily mean they are having an affair or want sex but with someone else. There are even some people who really don't enjoy sex all that much for whatever reason (they're bonkers if you ask me) Even if you have a HD, those things interfere and although sex is just as important to you as it ever was and you are still attracted to your spouse, you still have other responsibilities to take care of ... you just might not let those other things push sex as far down the list. It is still a priority but you do also have a life outside the bedroom.

All that said, in your case after having read your other thread, she has all the signs of cheating. I would be surprised if she wasn't and this really is just an excuse she is using.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Sometimes you are not having sex because your spouse is "winning". They made sex an event where if they give it, you "win" and they "lose". So by denying it and controlling it, they "win".

How can you beat this?

Imagine them growing pleasure and control in knowing you aren't going to have it? No matter how well your appearance is...


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

That's when you find another woman with a healthy HD or relieve yourself. Either way, the LD spouse that dictates when sex happens is out of the picture.........


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

"I just don't like to have sex."

One simple response to that: "I just don't like to work for someone who doesn't care enough about me to put out."

We have this lovely young lady named Little Bird on this forum. She has extremely long threads.

Essentially, due to prior sexual abuse, she gets no pleasure from sex. She can masturbate but intercourse does NOTHING for her. NOTHING. Like rubbing your hands together.

She is also engaged. She loves the guy to death and he is one of the only people she trusts to be intimate with...but even with this guy, she gets no sexual pleasure from him.

Can you guess about his sex life?

Yup. She loves him. She knows he loves sex. She screws him rotten! Oral AND vaginal (don't know about anything else) DAILY if he wants it (He wants it)

So...even a 'no drive' woman CAN have sex if she chooses to.

Yours is choosing not to. And it IS her choice.

Sounds like you need to make a few for yourself.

One free bit of advice: do NOT, DO NOT have kids with this woman unless she fixes her sexual hangups.

Right now, I am not sure she is worth the investment, though I haven't read your other thread.


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## ThunderatMidnight (May 2, 2013)

JCD said:


> "I just don't like to have sex."
> 
> One simple response to that: "I just don't like to work for someone who doesn't care enough about me to put out."
> 
> ...


This is great advice! :smthumbup: I am a woman and agree 100%


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

Mr.Confused said:


> But the main thing I am sooooo confused about; Do 50% of woman have no sex drive and only have sex to please the man or is there something I am done wrong or something else?


I've read some articles saying that nearly 30-40% of women are LD, but those same sources also say there are usually reasons, whether they're health-related or due to some unresolved problem(s) in the relationship. This article talks about some causes:

Low sex drive in women: Causes - MayoClinic.com

Maybe there's something going on with her physically or emotionally that she hasn't shared, or maybe isn't even aware that it's the reason she's feeling disinterested in sex with you?


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## salamander (Apr 2, 2013)

Just piping in here as a HD woman...was stuck in a sexless 5-yr relationship. Although I was HD, I was also emotionally messed up really bad and would cry every time I had sex with my bf, who I loved and lusted very much. He said that's what turned him off. Eventually, his other neuroses emerged, leading me to believe he had buried trauma which was the real source of his (continued to this day, as far as I know) sexlessness.

That experience tore out my whole sense of self and sexuality.

Luckily, I am now married to a matching HD man...but that's beside the point.

I would like to suggest that you try the book Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century - Barbara Carrellas - Google Books Focusing on yourself first.

Also, when I'm pissed off at my husband and don't feel close enough to want him to touch me, it helps if he lets me vent without trying to solve the problem, just really listens to me. At the end, all he has to say is "I love you." He doesn't have to agree or present his case or anything. Just tell me that he still loves me after hearing all that ****e I just spewed. Makes me bury my face in his chest and eventually work up into makeup sex.

And then there's this: Karezza in Four Easy Steps (for men) | Reuniting Found this site not too long ago, and hubby and I were delighted to find that we do much of this stuff already which is why we experience energy orgasms and see colors and otherwise have spiritual fire when making love.

Rambling on....hope any of this is useful. 

Love and light.


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## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Suddenly I started hearing a song by Los Lobos:

Who's feeling sorry now?
Just when I thought I knew how
The man with the master plan
I let it all slip through my hands

Why did you turn on me?
I'm the same man that I used to be
Did you forget who I am?
I'm the man with the master plan

But every day's the same
Nothing seems to change
My life is just minutes away
And all I wanted to do was dance

How could this happen to me?
I had it all worked to a T
Went through it with a fine toothed comb
Now you want to leave me here alone

But every day's the same
Nothing seems to change
My life is just minutes away
And all I wanted to do was dance

I didn't ask for much
I maybe didn't ask for enough
I maybe should've forced your hand
But all I wanted to do was dance


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Tell her you don't like working and paying bills.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

Thound said:


> Tell her you don't like working and paying bills.


He would have to do that when he's single too ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

techmom said:


> He would have to do that when he's single too ;-)
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



In my case, my wife who is stay at home comfy and for the most part pressure free in her life would also have to re-enter the work force with no current marketable skills. Should be interesting


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> In my case, my wife who is stay at home comfy and for the most part pressure free in her life would also have to re-enter the work force with no current marketable skills. Should be interesting


So you think your wife should "pay" you for working outside the home with sex? That is an attitude sure to get you none.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> So you think your wife should "pay" you for working outside the home with sex? That is an attitude sure to get you none.


Do you think my wife should ignore all of my needs while living like she wants off my hard work?

To be clear, I'm not only referring to sex, I'm talking complete complacency in a lot of areas


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

okeydokie said:


> In my case, my wife who is stay at home comfy and for the most part pressure free in her life would also have to re-enter the work force with no current marketable skills. Should be interesting


Do you have children that your wife is taking care of at home? If so, that is hardly a "comfy," "pressure-free" job. Staying at home with children is a sacrifice and never-ending work. My husband and I both have master's degrees. Since I was the pregnant and breastfeeding one, I was the one to stay home. In the meantime, he's climbed up the ladder and I teach the occasional online class.

I LOVE my husband and I appreciate all he does. However, I think that wives who stay home are every bit as pressured as husbands who work. I'm grateful to stay home with my kids, but I don't think my husband would trade me!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

momtwo4 said:


> Do you have children that your wife is taking care of at home? If so, that is hardly a "comfy," "pressure-free" job. Staying at home with children is a sacrifice and never-ending work. My husband and I both have master's degrees. Since I was the pregnant and breastfeeding one, I was the one to stay home. In the meantime, he's climbed up the ladder and I teach the occasional online class.
> 
> I LOVE my husband and I appreciate all he does. However, I think that wives who stay home are every bit as pressured as husbands who work. I'm grateful to stay home with my kids, but I don't think my husband would trade me!


Nope, all in school for years, gone 40 hours a week. We split kid duties everyday when they get home.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> Do you think my wife should ignore all of my needs while living like she wants off my hard work?
> 
> To be clear, I'm not only referring to sex, I'm talking complete complacency in a lot of areas


No one's needs should be ignored, but sex is not currency in a relationship. You often speak disparagingly of your wife here. I wonder how much respect YOU give HER IRL. It could be that she has as much resentment towards you as you do towards her. I highly doubt she is completely happy and complacent in this relationship and that you are the only one suffering.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Trying, the idea that somehow, it is ALWAYS the man's fault is preosterous and VERY insulting as well as a LIE. There are two personalitie and two wills in a marriage and if both aren't on the same page or both aren't truthful and honest, it all crumbles to the ground.

The one who refuses to be honest, faithful and loyal is the partner who is wrong. That isn't to say the one who is trying to be honest, faithful and loyal can't improve themselves or try harder, but to lay the blame solely on one partner, which of course is usually (not always) the biggest victim (the male) is nothing more than lies and probably motivated by feminism which thinks all men are liars, cheaters and worthless to begin with so therefore they MUST be wrong.

From this statement alone showing that men are at fault REGARDLESS, I know that you have no answers. The real answer here folks is love, honesty and faithfulness and forgiveness. You can't MAKE your spouse do the right thing but you can be a good example of what a loving spouse is, and you can try to fix anything about you that is wrong. 

The whole problem and beauty of marriage is that the two individuals have free will and no one can take that away except through slavery. So when two individuals agree to love as one, then it is beautiful and poetry in motion, but when the two individuals or one spouse refuse to work together, there is basically nothing you can do. 

When you are married, you give yourself to your spouse and vice versa, but people today are unfortunately liars and have no truth inside themselves. If we were all people of our word, we would not see an out when it comes to our duties as a spouse we pledged before me and God to do.

We don't renig on our jobs, or our car payments, or our mortgages, since we signed a contract and are afraid of the reprecussions if we don't hold up our end of the contract, but somehow, the contract we made before many people, to our spouse of whom we are love more than anyone and to God almighty, we deem as the most useless of all.

This is the root problem and no amount of manipulation, or DELIBERATELY withholding love, vacations, trips, presents, etc. will truly make the problem of a selfish and dishonest spouse go away. 

Love, repentance and forgiveness is the true path but no one can make you or your spouse go down that road. 

So in the mean time, we who are in sexless marriages suffer having no MAGIC cure or SECRET PLAN, knowing that short of putting a gun to our spouses head, they have free will and nothing is going to change that.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> However, I think that wives who stay home are every bit as pressured as husbands who work.


I disagree. I've done the Mr. Mom bit. It was much easier than my white collar, office job. If I had a blue collar job, there would be no comparison.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No one's needs should be ignored, but sex is not currency in a relationship. You often speak disparagingly of your wife here. I wonder how much respect YOU give HER IRL. It could be that she has as much resentment towards you as you do towards her. I highly doubt she is completely happy and complacent in this relationship and that you are the only one suffering.


You may speculate all you want. Take sex out of the equation here, I realize it happens when two people love and respect each other, it can't be forced and be any good, I get that 100%. 

She gets to stay at home, she can set her own schedule. She can just sit and chill in quiet, no pressure on her to do anything really, such as keep a job that keeps her and her family in housing, food and all the other creature comforts. She can get a job if see so chooses, in fact I have encouraged it, she isn't interested (wonder why?). 

When I come home, I wonder what she has done. The pile of dishes is still in the sink from breakfast. Laundry everywhere. Her massive piles of junk untouched for years because she "doesn't have time" to deal with it. She looks like hell, her bathroom area is gross. She has become a bag lady.

I have a hard time having sympathy for people that can't or won't help themselves, especially when they have all the means to do so. None of this is new, been going on for years.

So yeah, I've lost respect for her, I've lost the desire to be intimate with her. I have given her untold opportunities to tell me what she needs from me, in very sincere fashion, I get nothing.

Does this sound like the typical husband just wants a wet spot situation to you?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No one's needs should be ignored, but sex is not currency in a relationship.


Marriage should be a mutually beneficial relationship where both spouses meet the needs of the other spouse. In that sense, meeting needs is the currency that buys you the service of having your needs met. Somehow, a significant number of women think that sex should be exempted from this arrangement. I assume this is from a disrespect for men's needs.



> I highly doubt she is completely happy and complacent in this relationship and that you are the only one suffering.


That is likely true. There is usually a reason why women withhold sex. But it doesn't have to be a good reason.


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## Cee Paul (Apr 11, 2012)

vegasruby said:


> I don't know about the 50% of women not wanting sex. I think there is more not wanting sex than most people think. Porn and the media has people thinking women are nymphs. As far as I go, I do not need much sex. I wouldn't say I would be fine if I never had sex again. I'd want it like maybe once every 4-6 months.


This is how my wife feels vegasruby but in the beginning we were having sex at least 2-3 times a week, but looking back now I think that was all about just pleasing me and she wasn't as excited as I was. And before anyone chimes in about what I did or did not do, I am the guy who makes sure that my lover is always taken care of in her g-spot area using oils and slow massaging strokes until her back is arched and she is clinching the bed sheets(so who in the hell wouldn't enjoy that).


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mark Ford said:


> Trying, the idea that somehow, it is ALWAYS the man's fault is preosterous and VERY insulting as well as a LIE. There are two personalitie and two wills in a marriage and if both aren't on the same page or both aren't truthful and honest, it all crumbles to the ground.
> 
> The one who refuses to be honest, faithful and loyal is the partner who is wrong. That isn't to say the one who is trying to be honest, faithful and loyal can't improve themselves or try harder, but to lay the blame solely on one partner, which of course is usually (not always) the biggest victim (the male) is nothing more than lies and probably motivated by feminism which thinks all men are liars, cheaters and worthless to begin with so therefore they MUST be wrong.


I do not want to get banned from this site, but I can understand that there are going to be people cannot find this easy to believe. Or that it's been overlooked so often and minimized to the point where no one wants to hear it, even if it is very true.



Mark Ford said:


> From this statement alone showing that men are at fault REGARDLESS, I know that you have no answers. The real answer here folks is love, honesty and faithfulness and forgiveness. You can't MAKE your spouse do the right thing but you can be a good example of what a loving spouse is, and you can try to fix anything about you that is wrong.
> 
> The whole problem and beauty of marriage is that the two individuals have free will and no one can take that away except through slavery. So when two individuals agree to love as one, then it is beautiful and poetry in motion, but when the two individuals or one spouse refuse to work together, there is basically nothing you can do.


If your spouse chooses to work against you, to provide others leverage and insight onto you, decides to abuse you and offer you no defense, what else can you do?



Mark Ford said:


> When you are married, you give yourself to your spouse and vice versa, but people today are unfortunately liars and have no truth inside themselves. If we were all people of our word, we would not see an out when it comes to our duties as a spouse we pledged before me and God to do.


Some people lie so much they don't even know they are lying. You'd be better off finding someone with like belief systems, than arguing to the "choir", who may know just well and how dirty they do you, but they are going to think "well what are you saying this to me for?".




Mark Ford said:


> We don't renig on our jobs, or our car payments, or our mortgages, since we signed a contract and are afraid of the reprecussions if we don't hold up our end of the contract, but somehow, the contract we made before many people, to our spouse of whom we are love more than anyone and to God almighty, we deem as the most useless of all.
> 
> This is the root problem and no amount of manipulation, or DELIBERATELY withholding love, vacations, trips, presents, etc. will truly make the problem of a selfish and dishonest spouse go away.


Once you realize this is what you are dealing with, an actual piece of feces who believes their actions smell like a bouchet of roses, whose entitlement stenches worse than a bowl of vomit - why are you complaining for?



Mark Ford said:


> Love, repentance and forgiveness is the true path but no one can make you or your spouse go down that road.
> 
> So in the mean time, we who are in sexless marriages suffer having no MAGIC cure or SECRET PLAN, knowing that short of putting a gun to our spouses head, they have free will and nothing is going to change that.


Some people don't love anyone but themself. Be an adult and accept it, decide that you will not deal with that type of person and move on with your life. Remember they lie with you, they will lie against you and if they cheat with you, they will cheat on you.

I'm sure there are women in the realm of your mentality that want a guy, but are acll of them corrupt too? There has to be some who are not corrupt, who do not like it in another woman.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Mark Ford said:


> Trying, the idea that somehow, it is ALWAYS the man's fault is preosterous and VERY insulting as well as a LIE. There are two personalitie and two wills in a marriage and if both aren't on the same page or both aren't truthful and honest, it all crumbles to the ground.
> 
> The one who refuses to be honest, faithful and loyal is the partner who is wrong. That isn't to say the one who is trying to be honest, faithful and loyal can't improve themselves or try harder, but to lay the blame solely on one partner, which of course is usually (not always) the biggest victim (the male) is nothing more than lies and probably motivated by feminism which thinks all men are liars, cheaters and worthless to begin with so therefore they MUST be wrong.
> 
> ...


Mark,

Here's the deal you allowed it so it is YOUR fault. You wife is equally to blame.

You control you.

You need to get out of the mindset of what is fair, what you deserve, what you are entitled to because you do XYZ and your vows. Your wife is wrong so what are you going to do about it? 

Things will NOT change until SHE decides to change. You can help her make that decision over time.

Your situation is what it is... there is probably no valid or reasonable reason for it... I'll bet if you asked your wife WHY?

She would have NO ANSWER. Because she might not even know. I suspect its deep resentment. Though she may not be able to articulate it.

It is your fault for doing the same thing that obviously doesn't work. Change things up.

Embrace your situation and learn from it.

Figure out what you want and affect change.

Be the solution not the extender of a sexless marriage by you current actions. Be smart.

use sexless as an ally to affect change in your wife... use it to change the dynamics of your marriage... be the man.

Or just WISH things can change and that you are entitled and that its your wives fault.

You have to work for what you want in life.

Your wife may very well love you but hate having sex or talking to you.
If she didn't love you she'd be likely GONE!


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Treyvion, not all people are corrupt or are liars but those who are just are and there is NO justifying their behaviors. We have forgotten in this society to take responsibilty for our actions and therefore lying is more rampant than it ever has been in this country.

My main message is this. We all have free will and no one can make us do anything we don't want to do and secondly, if you are wrong, you are wrong and no amount of bullcrapping, or misplacing blame is going to change that. 

That is my message simplified.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mark Ford said:


> Treyvion, not all people are corrupt or are liars but those who are just are and there is NO justifying their behaviors. We have forgotten in this society to take responsibilty for our actions and therefore lying is more rampant than it ever has been in this country.
> 
> My main message is this. We all have free will and no one can make us do anything we don't want to do and secondly, if you are wrong, you are wrong and no amount of bullcrapping, or misplacing blame is going to change that.
> 
> That is my message simplified.


I know and accept that not all people are liers and decievers. However there is a good percentage that is, and it's healthier to be truthful about what your dealing with and not bury your head in the sand.

Going through my bad situation made me appreciate a woman who will not leverage what she can get away with in this society that much more. But it also opened my eyes to just how many WILL use the leverage that society gives her against you, and they know it's not right.

In my thinking a real "good" woman, will detest the actions of a "bad" woman that we speak of. It will be disgusting to her, and if you are of a mostly positive cloth she will not think it's right.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No one's needs should be ignored, but sex is not currency in a relationship. You often speak disparagingly of your wife here. I wonder how much respect YOU give HER IRL. It could be that she has as much resentment towards you as you do towards her. I highly doubt she is completely happy and complacent in this relationship and that you are the only one suffering.


He's been on here several YEARS. So he has the right to speak ill of the situation. There's just some of us who believe that a no intimacy marriage or long term relationship is "not right" unless it's what you agreed upon. If it's right, then why don't we just marry our worst enemy and decide to be celebate against our will.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Trying, I have no sin in regards to withholding from my wife and therefore AM NOT GUILTY or to blame. While I will concede that I as well as anyone else needs to work on thier personality, looks, demeanor, as well as kindness, gentleness, etc., 

I am somehow NOT to blame for her lack of integrity, lying and complete disrespectfulness of who I am as a person according to you.

That was HER choice, not mine. All actions I agree have reactions, but people ultimately make their own choices and she made a choice to abandon me sexually and emotionally all by herself without even trying to figure out what or why she felt that way.

That is a fact. I have seen this type of false teaching time and time again and it is hilarious to me that this type of teaching never crosses into the realm of the female taking sole responsibility or at least dual responsibility for the male's failing when the female isn't doing the withholding or cruelty.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mark Ford.

I also want to get you comment on one thing.

Ok, so say you get a wife or husband that's generally ABUSIVE and neglectful. It's said time and time again through their actions that they don't really care about you, even they will hurt you...

Ok, so you know they wrong. They wrap it up in some lies.

Now say you guys are part of a group. Now what if she is part of that group who knows she does low blows on you. What if this group doesn't see anything wrong with it and just thinks she's "stronger" than you. What if you go to them with complaints, and they do not care because they like and support her?

So the lie is the truth to them? What then? Do you accept in this day and age, this is something that happens. That you can be 100% RIGHT, but your environment will not see it, or they know what they see, but they will take sides of the one who did you wrong.

Can you admit that's something that happens, and be man enough to let it go when it's time?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Mark Ford said:


> Trying, I have no sin in regards to withholding from my wife and therefore AM NOT GUILTY or to blame. While I will concede that I as well as anyone else needs to work on thier personality, looks, demeanor, as well as kindness, gentleness, etc.,
> 
> I am somehow NOT to blame for her lack of integrity, lying and complete disrespectfulness of who I am as a person according to you.
> 
> ...


So what?

What does that GET YOU?

You are NOT dealing with logic... your wife may not have a clue nor want to find the answer on her own.

You NEED to help her.... not WISH she would change.

You have the ability to affect change in your marriage use it.
Or be miserable.
Or divorce her.

I agree with you but if I did nothing and followed that belief i would have NOT resolved my sexless marriage in 3.4 years.
Don't accept the unacceptable.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Trying2figureitout said:


> So what?
> 
> What does that GET YOU?
> 
> ...


At least you had a plan and a timeline. Because that 3.4 years could have been until the day you die, you will accept poor treatment and lack of intimacy due to your relationship choice.

What I'm sayin is YES some people are corrupt, this is how they want to do you and no amount of explaining, crying to them or even counselling will get them to change it. Can you accept this is just how it is sometimes?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Okeydokey.. You are very close but don't discount or toss out the truth. IRL marriage is but a sexual contract between 2 loving people. Nothing less. Those who deny themselves happiness by refusing to recognize this will forever be looking for answers. You seem to know the right answer. Stay the course and don't accept less than what your marriage contract truly represents.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Mark Ford said:


> This is the root problem and no amount of manipulation, or DELIBERATELY withholding love, vacations, trips, presents, etc. will truly make the problem of a selfish and dishonest spouse go away.


So Mark, how has that been working out for you? Giving vacations, trips, presents etc has provided you with one of the most horrible marriages I've ever heard of for the last 2.5 years. And you're only willing to keep doing the same thing over and over, desperately coming here hoping that someone will tell you it will work this time. How many years will it take before you're willing to try something, anything, different?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> You may speculate all you want. Take sex out of the equation here, I realize it happens when two people love and respect each other, it can't be forced and be any good, I get that 100%.
> 
> She gets to stay at home, she can set her own schedule. She can just sit and chill in quiet, no pressure on her to do anything really, such as keep a job that keeps her and her family in housing, food and all the other creature comforts. She can get a job if see so chooses, in fact I have encouraged it, she isn't interested (wonder why?).
> 
> ...


Has it occurred to you that your wife is displaying classic signs of depression? She is very likely a very ill woman. Has she seen a Dr? Her serotonin and dopamine levels are almost certainly out of whack, causing her hoarding and disregard for cleanliness, also her lack of motivation. She likely feels horrible every single day and just doesn't know what to do about it, or feel worthy OF doing anything. She sounds like she has accepted this as her reality.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Has it occurred to you that your wife is displaying classic signs of depression? She is very likely a very ill woman. Has she seen a Dr? Her serotonin and dopamine levels are almost certainly out of whack, causing her hoarding and disregard for cleanliness, also her lack of motivation. She likely feels horrible every single day and just doesn't know what to do about it, or feel worthy OF doing anything. She sounds like she has accepted this as her reality.


Oh I know there's something wrong with her, and I would find it unbelievable that she doesn't know it too. But another of her endearing qualities is extreme obstenence.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> No one's needs should be ignored, but sex is not currency in a relationship. You often speak disparagingly of your wife here. I wonder how much respect YOU give HER IRL. It could be that she has as much resentment towards you as you do towards her. I highly doubt she is completely happy and complacent in this relationship and that you are the only one suffering.


It is NEVER the fault of just one person in a relationship. However, fixing it also requires two people to participate.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

okeydokie said:


> Oh I know there's something wrong with her, and I would find it unbelievable that she doesn't know it too. But another of her endearing qualities is extreme obstenence.


That obstinence is probably a bonus in some assets, and she is probably "strong minded" too.


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

It's about time for Mr.Confused to reply on here... I think there is a mystery of if any resolution has developed... Does any advice here help. I think one reply about kids would go a long way to explain more... BUT w/o OP still up in the air. 



Mr.Confused said:


> Do 50% of woman have no sex drive and only have sex to please the man or is there something I am done wrong or something else?


Women and men *DO* have different sex drives, but having *no* drive is more of a medical condition. (At least IMHO) 



Mr.Confused said:


> We have been married for about 3 years. I understand before a marriage that sex will die down but I never would have thought it would just die off. The first year of our marriage it was ok, she always said I don't want a relationship of just having sex 2-3 times a month. So, we laid some guide lines down, this was her idea, to have sex at least 2 a week. She admitted she brought that up so she would not feel guilty or hurt me and that hurts me, I don't want a sexual relationship based on guilt. But this lasted about a year.
> 
> After the past year we started to only have sex in the shower, which is just a way to get it over with. I was ok with it but I noticed that she was just not into it, and then i realized she hasn't been into sex for the past 2 years.
> 
> ...


This story read like many in CWI section. I hope it does not go there, but still just looking for OP to provide more info possibly.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Also why did you delete your other thread?


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

It doesn't really matter what percentage of women are just not interested in sex.

Your concern should be why you're staying married to one of the women who aren't.


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## abuginarug (May 20, 2012)

I'm pretty sure lack of intimate communication - about sex, needs, interests, goals, plans, and dreams - is a majority cause of sexless and failed marriages, including my own. If one or both parties is unwilling to communicate (or comprehend!) these clearly, repeatedly, and patiently there will be no progress toward healthy marriage. This is how MC should facilitate growth, by encouraging healthy communication. A spouse unwilling to engage in healthy communication should be encouraged toward IC - hopefully to learn that there are trustworthy people in the world, and to gain the confidence and trust they need to communicate in intimate ways. 

Let it be known that I had no idea how delicate marriage was when I jumped on board. I have a lot to learn, but at least now I know how and what to do to get better. 

To whoever it was that permits his wife to stay home and do nothing: I strongly suggest you find a caring way to share your feelings of resentment with your wife. If she is depressed, she would probably enjoy your suggestions and especially enjoy your support as she searches for her way out of it. She is most likely feeling detached from you. Ensure she's not connecting to something/someone else, too. When my wife acts like yours is acting, it's her cry for help.


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## Mark Ford (Apr 7, 2013)

Treyvion, it is completely true that most today have NO IDEA what is right and what is wrong. Their idea of right is whatever suits their selfishness and wants regardless of how it affects others. If it feels good, by all means GO FOR IT!!! is their motto.

WorkingonMe, I have tried various approaches, but mainly, I have tried to remain loving, faithful and true to my wife loving her the way I should regardless of who she treats me. I realize that my love is worthless to her and that my kindness, gentleness, honesty and sincerity are garbage. 

I am going to start trying to do things that make me happy and I have started making a list.

Trying, you are far from an expert and are only making other's pain more unbearable. I myself would be far more of an expert about what pure love since I actually do know what REAL Truth is according to God's Word. However, as we see in the Bible and with real life you CAN'T make people love God or others.

Moses couldn't do it but FAILED MISERABLY, David couldn't do it, the Prophets couldn't do it and Jesus certainly couldn't do it so who do you make yourself out to be?


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> My marriage has almost always been pretty close to technically sexless, even in the honeymoon years. There is no such thing as "when it went sexless". The difference I suppose is back then it was once a month and now it has turned to once a year.
> 
> I'm sorry, I absolutely believe that hormones affect sex drive. To deny that is denying the truth.
> 
> Hold her accountable? I cannot force her to have sex. I can divorce her. She will be held accountable when that happens.


Well, no. You can't force her to have sex, nor can you force her to see a doctor about her hormone levels, nor can you force you to see a counselor about her mental block. But, you can still hold her accountable by telling her important it is that she try those things...how you can't and won't live in a sexless marriage...and that, if she isn't willing to work with you to solve this problem within a certain amount of time, there will be divorce. I believe in holding our partners accountable when we can. In this case, you can. 

Course, maybe you've tried these things already, I don't know your story very well. 



> I find your responses insulting primarily because you do not listen. Your theory seems to be that all sexless marriages can be fixed to the satisfaction of the HD and the LD and if it isn't then the HD is an idiot who is simply doing wrong or not making the effort ... all based on the fact that YOU were able to resolve it in YOUR situation.


I agree with you on this. Not all sexless marriages have the same root problems, so it makes no sense to say that what worked for one will work for all. It's just not the case. If it were the case, then it would mean that all marriages are exactly the same. Which is ridiculous.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Created2Write said:


> Well, no. You can't force her to have sex, nor can you force her to see a doctor about her hormone levels, nor can you force you to see a counselor about her mental block. But, you can still hold her accountable by telling her important it is that she try those things...how you can't and won't live in a sexless marriage...and that, if she isn't willing to work with you to solve this problem within a certain amount of time, there will be divorce. I believe in holding our partners accountable when we can. In this case, you can.
> 
> Course, maybe you've tried these things already, I don't know your story very well.


Yes, she knows this very well. I have come to the point that I have told her that as things currently stand, I want a divorce. Without communication and intimacy in my marriage, we have no marriage and it is time to simply acknowledge that without change, it is time to move on. I have told her that I love her and I would prefer that we find a way to improve things and be be successful in marriage but that I am all but done. She doesn't know that if the timing were right, I would file immediately. What she does know is that I have promised that she will not be abandoned and I will make sure she lands on her feet. No matter what our problems are, she deserves that and I want her to be happy. In fact, if she were to move on and find a relationship with somebody more compatible with her needs and wants ... I would happy for her. I would hope that I could find the same.

This is the final warning shot across the bow. There is still the opportunity for saving this marriage and I have told her how. However, I have a plan and a timetable ... based primarily on other factors (have to be smart about it) ... and unless things change considerably to make me change my mind, we will be divorced no later than a year from now. In the meantime, I will continue to work on myself and prepare for that.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This thread is being closed due to extensive thread-jacking. Two hundred posts were deleted. I can't believe how so many members got involved in this! 

Mr.Confused, we hope you return to the forum. This thread may be reopened at your request. Just PM a moderator.


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