# I want out but I'm sad all at the same time...advice



## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Hi everyone, 

I am two years post affair with my husband and he still hasn't admitted he f**ked up. Instead I am suffering horrible mental anguish. I want to leave. I am done with his behaviors. I'm done trying to defend every move I make. Even if I go to the grocery store I am doing something wrong. He needs to know the exact stores I went to, the exact time, etc. I swear it is all to catch me in a lie I didn't create. I'm really fed up. I feel like i am paying for his insecurities, and in the last few months he's gotten this kick of "I am the man of this house I control everything". 

I'm home with my kids, don't work, we are nowhere near rich, nowhere near middle class because we are saddled with debt he came home with. We are always broke because he doesn't manage the money well. He says I'm in charge of the money but I find that laughable when all i can do is pay bills on his behalf. I can't control whatever is left over, he does. He's taken it to the extreme of him making me ask for money or even account for the little bit he does give me. When I have cash on hand he takes it, and then tells me I wasted it all. 

The mind games are unbearable, as I mentioned above I get blamed for everything he spends, I get blamed for cheating, andi get blamed for everything wrong with him. I'm so sad that it hurts my heart. 

I am sad because I know many have told me to leave, but I have committed myself to this marriage and believed in it like no other person I have met has. I took him back even when I knew I shouldn't. I dealt with his lies because he is just a damn liar, I deal with his double standards (he can go hang out with his buddies but I can't). I'm tired of being controlled on when and where I can do things.icant even go to the community gym just to avoid him making horrible comments about me. 

I'm sad because I want to leave him and I feel wrong about it. I'm sad because I know I've no choice and I am sad about it. I'm sad because he ruined my credit (I know I allowed it to happen), didnt support me to finish my degree, doesn't support me to lose weight, doesn't support me to quit smoking, instead he waves things in my face and laughs when I give in. I feel like a pathetic a*s and I know I am because even though all this is happening some sick part of me wishes a miracle would happen. Three years since I've joined this site, it hasn't happened. 

I'm sad because I went back to therapy like so many recommended and was told to not just leave him, but to run like hell. Anyone go through this? 

My first steps to get a job obviously, and to try to save up whatever I can scroung to finally pay a lawyer and have him removed from my home. I'm sad you guys. I really am. I love him, but he doesn't care because he says he loves me but his actions and words tell me I am not to be trusted, but he's the one who cheated, the one who still lies, and delete msgs. I'm sad. 

My kids are too. My son who is older is now for the second time asking his dad to leave mommy alone. That every time he asks me a question we fight and he doesn't want us to fight. Instead of this giving my husband a wake up call, he tells the kids to shut up and that is isnt his business. i a'm sad. Very sad

How did so many of you even get to the point of fixing, if possible, any marriages...?


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

mishu143 said:


> I have committed myself to this marriage


I had a hard time leaving my marriage too, and one thing that helped me remove myself from the marriage was when I realized I had not committed to this marriage, but the marriage I thought would happen - where my wife would put in some effort and we grew together. The reality was that I was committed to a marriage that worked against me on many levels. 



mishu143 said:


> I'm sad because he ruined my credit (I know I allowed it to happen), didnt support me to finish my degree, doesn't support me to lose weight, doesn't support me to quit smoking, instead he waves things in my face and laughs when I give in. I feel like a pathetic a*s and I know I am because even though all this is happening some sick part of me wishes a miracle would happen. Three years since I've joined this site, it hasn't happened. My first steps to get a job obviously, and to try to save up whatever I can scroung to finally pay a lawyer and have him removed from my home.


Another big step is that you have to make a mental shift and start believing that you can do these things yourself. You don't need him to have a job, establish credit, quite smoking, and lose weight. You can do it for you. And I think once you have some success, you'll start to realize you don't really need him and then it gets a lot easier.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

From reading a few of your posts, he has not treated you very well at all.

I have daughters and I would rip into one of my sons-in-law if they treated my daughters the way he has been treating you for years.

You really should go see an attorney.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

harrybrown said:


> From reading a few of your posts, he has not treated you very well at all.
> 
> I have daughters and I would rip into one of my sons-in-law if they treated my daughters the way he has been treating you for years.
> 
> You really should go see an attorney.


Wow I'm really happy to see someone say that, my own dad told me to forgive him and let it go for the sake of my kids, go figure it comes from the dude who beat my mom and left us to fend for ourselves when the DEA caught him living a double life.... 

Thank you for your reply, it's means more than you know because I have said the same, if someone treated my daughter that way I'd kick their butt myself....

And let me mention I'm not an angel, no one is, but anything I have said to him has always been in defense to my own honor because from the beginning he had jealousy issues and instead of leaving him I got pregnant and got stuck with him.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Acorn said:


> I had a hard time leaving my marriage too, and one thing that helped me remove myself from the marriage was when I realized I had not committed to this marriage, but the marriage I thought would happen - where my wife would put in some effort and we grew together. The reality was that I was committed to a marriage that worked against me on many levels.
> 
> 
> 
> Another big step is that you have to make a mental shift and start believing that you can do these things yourself. You don't need him to have a job, establish credit, quite smoking, and lose weight. You can do it for you. And I think once you have some success, you'll start to realize you don't really need him and then it gets a lot easier.



Thank you for your encouragement, I know it is within me to stop those things and change them myself, what I meant is just the lack of support and how he would rather see me give in to my temptations then support me out of them, 

I think what you said in your first paragraph is what really struck me the most. You are right I am committed to this marriage but its not the marriage I wanted and he is not willing to help make it better in a way we both see fit. I'm tired of giving up giving up no giving up for nothing more than more trust issues from him. I have given up jobs, my schooling, my friends, my life to make him happy and he still insists on making me defend myself? 

I'm just scared because nowadays you need a bachelors degree to be a cashier...lol.... I have an associates in arts, didnt get to finish my bachelors, but I'm just going to try and swing it and see where it goes.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

he stalked me last night while at the supermarket. a male jehovahs witness gave me a pamphlet on the way to my car and then i handed my cart to the cart guy. Somehow in his stalking moment, he says he saw me checking the cart guy out ( I wasn't). 

when i go home i ofcourse faced the interrogation and after tlling him to go to hell he left and sent me a text saying sorry and that his nervous tick is back... 

I ignored him and continued my night fed my kids ect. LAter that night i was trying to talk to my cousin and he was eavesdropping. HE started an argument with me while i was speaking to her. We argued and i confronted him abou t his stalking. HE denied it all and said i was on drugs, i was a demented liar, and that i was lucky i lived in the USA where the laws protected me as a woman because anywhere else, i would have gotten my butt beaten for being the way i am. 

after the threat i walked out of my house and read my bible in my car. After i calmed down i came backup and went to m room. HE left and didn't not come home until 3 am. 

Sad thing is that this morning he wanted me to get back in bed with him to cuddle. I just don't see how a human being cant see how hurtfulthat behavior is. How he has the balls to speak to me like if nothing happened, like if nothing has been happening. Im fed up and I am scared of what he may do to me now or when i do file for divorce. Hes losing his grip on reality. HEs been in IC for about 5 weeks and he has only gotten worse, he blames everyone woman in his life for taking his balls away (and yes i men mom, aunts, grandm, the whole lot including me.)


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

mishu, I'm no expert, but it sure seems like this is very close to boiling over into a potentially physical event. He doesn't seem to be right in the head and his statement about 'good thing we live in the USA' is actually quite frightening.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

PinkSalmon13 said:


> mishu, I'm no expert, but it sure seems like this is very close to boiling over into a potentially physical event. He doesn't seem to be right in the head and his statement about 'good thing we live in the USA' is actually quite frightening.


I agree pinksalmon (btw my favorite fish n the whole world lol)...he continues to shift the blame to me and doesnt seem to get that his behavior cause my anxieties. He continues to say I did not get over the affair which I agree with but he fails to see that his behavior in the last two years doesn't help him. How can I trust someone who continues to treat me like tramp I never was, how can I be with someone who continues to expect me to bend over backwards only for me to get what he wants to give. 

He just told me he was going to divorce me and since i didn't fight him on it, he decided he would flip out and try to turn it on me. I told him to please blame me all he wants. That if the kids ever ask he can say what he wants. I hope my kids will be able to see the truth the way I did growing up. 

My biggest fear is how my kids will perceive me, he and his family are great when you are in the circle but when you are out they will rip you apart like a wilderbeast. 

My experience growing up was that i was too small to even miss my dad or even care to ask questions when I was able to understand what was going on. When I finally got the story not only did it all fall into place for me, but all the bs he fed me about my mom turned on him quicker than he could say "oh no"...

And im scared he will poison mykids even though with all hes done my mom was able to lead be example and never speak ill of my dad. I will do the same for them but im afraid he wont be abl to do the same. Im not perfect at all but I love him and my kids. and want nothing more than to raise them for the world. so that they can do the best with what they have. 

Im afraid. Very afraid. My resources are limited, I am alone, with no family. I have no help. No one at all.


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## PinkSalmon13 (Nov 7, 2013)

mishu, you have the people here to help you. Keep posting, keep allowing us to help you. It's okay to lean on internet people:smthumbup:


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mishu143 said:


> I agree pinksalmon (btw my favorite fish n the whole world lol)...he continues to shift the blame to me and doesnt seem to get that his behavior cause my anxieties. He continues to say I did not get over the affair which I agree with but he fails to see that his behavior in the last two years doesn't help him. How can I trust someone who continues to treat me like tramp I never was, how can I be with someone who continues to expect me to bend over backwards only for me to get what he wants to give.
> 
> He just told me he was going to divorce me and since i didn't fight him on it, he decided he would flip out and try to turn it on me. I told him to please blame me all he wants. That if the kids ever ask he can say what he wants. I hope my kids will be able to see the truth the way I did growing up.
> 
> ...


Wait a minute...HE had the affair two years ago?? And HE has the GALL to monitor your every move and conversation?? OH HELL NO. 

2X4 TIME! 

YOU ARE BEING MENTALLY ABUSED!! And what makes it so incredibly sick is that its because of HIS mistakes! Get yourself off the pity pot and DO SOMETHING!! First and foremost, get out there and GET A DAMN JOB! Any job! Open a bank account! Get to an attorney, find out your rights, and file for divorce! You will get support from him, so that will help you financially! Stop sitting there crying about how bad things are and take some action! He is only doing this because YOU are allowing it! Two years of this sh!t is MORE than enough, he is a cheater who has no remorse and zero respect for you! And this is a horrible example to set for your children, is this the kind of marriage you want to see them in as adults??


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> Wait a minute...HE had the affair two years ago?? And HE has the GALL to monitor your every move and conversation?? OH HELL NO.
> 
> 2X4 TIME!
> 
> YOU ARE BEING MENTALLY ABUSED!! And what makes it so incredibly sick is that its because of HIS mistakes! Get yourself off the pity pot and DO SOMETHING!! First and foremost, get out there and GET A DAMN JOB! Any job! Open a bank account! Get to an attorney, find out your rights, and file for divorce! You will get support from him, so that will help you financially! Stop sitting there crying about how bad things are and take some action! He is only doing this because YOU are allowing it! Two years of this sh!t is MORE than enough, he is a cheater who has no remorse and zero respect for you! And this is a horrible example to set for your children, is this the kind of marriage you want to see them in as adults??


Of course not! If I ever found out my daughter was in my predicament I would kick her ass for staying and his for doing it.... If it were my son the same goes, but in the end it is hard. It isn't a pity pot, I am ALONE, LIKE I HAVE NOONE TO HELP ME OUT! Ever! That snit is scary as hell being that I was raised by a single mother who worked her tail off to make sure we never felt needy! 

I am completely aware of what I have to do and why I have to do it. And i as much as I appreciate your swift kick in the ass (lol) I'm still hurting. And yes the plan is to get a job, any job, that will afford me the flexibility to finish my degree asap and start making some real money... 

I think what I am getting at is what most have been saying, I probably won't be able to wrap my head around it until I'm out of the situation, since this is going to happen now or in a few weeks when I am finally working and stable, I should just focus on my next step instead of letting him torment me like he does. 

Thanks!


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

Being that my son is too smart for his own good... He is only seven but speaks like an advanced thinker, how can a possibly begin to prep him for this? I'm not so worried about my three year old even though she's too smart for her own good too....hehe... But I'm just concerned over how their lives will change when this finally happens. Any advice on this?


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

So after this horrible afternoon where he said we were over via text during our argument via text, he comes home as if nothing went down. Like if nothing was said. I'm so tired of this, i am so confused and angry and tired. What gives? Why? Why do ppl act like this? 

Y? Who cares y right! I'm so f***ing tired of this crap. He grabs me and pretends like nothing is wrong to shove his tongue down my throat after we had a good ill bit of family time with our kids, but that doesn't me my resentment and hurt went away, I'm just trying to keep up the facade so my kids aren't further hurt by our constant arguing. 

When he did get home and I was cold he kept asking y like if he didnt know and then said what you wanna keep up the fight? I said of course I did not want to fight but things are not okay and he shouldn't think t hey were. Guys I'm really confused and I'm not sure what the hell to make of this situation, no wonder I'm still here, he's good one day, and bad for three then again and it's all dependent on how I decide to react....what the flipping hell?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mishu143 said:


> So after this horrible afternoon where he said we were over via text during our argument via text, he comes home as if nothing went down. Like if nothing was said. I'm so tired of this, i am so confused and angry and tired. What gives? Why? Why do ppl act like this?
> 
> Y? Who cares y right! I'm so f***ing tired of this crap. He grabs me and pretends like nothing is wrong to shove his tongue down my throat after we had a good ill bit of family time with our kids, but that doesn't me my resentment and hurt went away, I'm just trying to keep up the facade so my kids aren't further hurt by our constant arguing.
> 
> When he did get home and I was cold he kept asking y like if he didnt know and then said what you wanna keep up the fight? I said of course I did not want to fight but things are not okay and he shouldn't think t hey were. Guys I'm really confused and I'm not sure what the hell to make of this situation, no wonder I'm still here, *he's good one day, and bad for three then again and it's all dependent on how I decide to react....what the flipping hell?*


So three bad to one good is a terrible ratio. You will find that this pattern never, ever ends. He is being manipulative and mean, he knows that if he keeps tossing you a good day here and there, that you will keep hanging on. Its abusive, and it is done totally on purpose with no other intent than to control you. This pattern of his is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your life if you stay in this. I went through that too, my second husband did the same crap. The time between the good times eventually got shorter and shorter and shorter. Finally one day it hit me that things were never going to change, and I was DONE. You will be too, just dont let it drag out too long, or you will have regrets for that lost time.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

mishu, my wife and I are reading this thread together, both feeling horrible for your situation.

-You don't deserve this!
-Your kids don't deserve this!
-Your husband is abusing you and your children.
-I'm extremely pro-marriage, and think divorce is offered too quickly. Not in the case of serial infidelity and abuse, though. You need to avail yourself of whatever resources your city and state offer in order to leave him. The police will stop him from hurting you.

You deserve so much more!


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> So three bad to one good is a terrible ratio. You will find that this pattern never, ever ends. He is being manipulative and mean, he knows that if he keeps tossing you a good day here and there, that you will keep hanging on. Its abusive, and it is done totally on purpose with no other intent than to control you. This pattern of his is what you have to look forward to for the rest of your life if you stay in this. I went through that too, my second husband did the same crap. The time between the good times eventually got shorter and shorter and shorter. Finally one day it hit me that things were never going to change, and I was DONE. You will be too, just dont let it drag out too long, or you will have regrets for that lost time.


Uggggh I hear you! Seriously ONTOP of everything else he treats himself like poop. I caught him vomiting and he claims its anxiety. I lean more towards bulimia but whatever, he came at me and said what do u care you were about to leave me, again, I haven't said anything to him, he said that to me.... 

I'm tired of the roller coaster ride and I'm suffering for my kids. I don't want tobe married more than once, and I honestly don't c it happening ever again, but I feel so damn guilty for wanting to leave and I know it's stupid bu I do, I feel like maybe if we just keep at it, but then when the poop hits the fan I am crying ready to leave... Uggggh I hate my life.


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

I honestly wish I would have stuck to my guns after I caught him in 2012. I feel stupid I didn't because here I am two years later sticks the same rut. We haven't had sex in like two weeks andi have no desire to. The 180 is one thing I could never do back then due to just being a nutball after finding out, it was hard for me to even think let alone think about how to fix me, but the past is the past, now it's time to move forward right,

About your comment with the kids, you think it's worth staying married to him to care for my kids? I feel the same way but at the same time the arguing cannot be good for them.... I've heard that it destroys kids to see their parents fighting so much, but every once in a while they catch us laughing and kissing too, like last night after the little bit of time he was cool with us all, but please remember that all afternoon via text we were arguing and then determined we would divorce only for him to come home as if nothing happened.... I feel like he is bipolar in the sense that he's good and bad all in one day. It's a maniac way of behaving with me. 

I read the 180 and I think I am realizing why I have so much guilt about leaving him for good, if I'm going to be honest, I am like a damn chihuahua. I can argue better than any attorney I have ever met. Lol. And I hate letting him feel like he won when in my heart I know what POS he is being. I very hurt that he met me as an 18 year old college student and has never supported me all the way through. 8 years later and I'm still trying to figure it all out and that what bugs me most. 

I feel like our marriage is all about him, his excuse for acting the way he did yesterday is that I don't do what he asks me to regarding his job. He wants me to do a lot of research and get him info so that he can grow his client list, and yes I could do that for him, but at the same time I want to do something for me too. 

It's all very complicated. I'm sure any married couple can attest that there is two sides to every story, I try to stick with the facts and be honest, but I know I'm not perfect, and I know I have made mistakes with my marriage and him. 

Most of all when we argue I can get nasty, and so can he, but I feel guilt because of it. Because maybe if I woulda held my tongue a bit better he'd care more... Does that make any sense?

As far as the 180... I have been working out since August of 2013, simple walks do to injuries I sustained in a major car wreck, but. I have gotten stronger and I can now do tae Bo. I just haven't lost any weight.... So that is my next goal. I made a Buddha round the same time that I walk with and she's been great but he also manages to turn that into a fight because he feels I tell everyone everything. 

Yes I made my mistakes and opened my big mouth out of desperation. I'm sure I shamed him, and I didn't mean to, I'm young desperate and made a stupid decision by seeking help from friends and family who probably dont even care to see us pull through. Their best advice has been to leave him.... It's not worth the fight.... They tell me to get a job and pull my own weight.... What the hell? I stay home and care for EVERYTHING, he does nothing but work, everything from the home is done by me and only me and it has been that way since day one. Even when I worked I did it all. And that was a lot of our fights in the beginning. 

I'm just at a loss, what I really want to do is get a waitressing job, go finish my degree and then start working at my new career. The waitressing because of its flexibility and the school because I don't want to be a waitress forever.... But he isn't supportive, he tells me, if I wanna working has to be a 9 to 5 etc. there are always rules to what I can and can't do. And I'm sur the minute I. Land a job he will have a fit. He wants me under his thumb and that's why it hurts, because his reasons suck and are demeaning.

Do I make sense? I don't know? But any advice on this would be great. 

I am following the 180. I've learned to just shut down and walk away in the lat five days. I don't argue as much and when I do I can stop myself a bit better. I'm very tired and I don't think he realizes how close I am to really doing whatever I want whether he likes it or not in preparation for a divorce. 

Not sure where else to go with this?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

mishu143 said:


> Uggggh I hear you! Seriously ONTOP of everything else he treats himself like poop. I caught him vomiting and he claims its anxiety. I lean more towards bulimia but whatever, he came at me and said what do u care you were about to leave me, again, I haven't said anything to him, he said that to me....
> *
> I'm tired of the roller coaster ride and I'm suffering for my kids.* I don't want tobe married more than once, and I honestly don't c it happening ever again, but I feel so damn guilty for wanting to leave and I know it's stupid bu I do, I feel like maybe if we just keep at it, but then when the poop hits the fan I am crying ready to leave... Uggggh I hate my life.


You do your children no favors by staying in this toxic situation. You dont want them to grow up and be in a relationship with this same dynamic, do you? You need to let go of that guilt, because you have done nothing wrong, and are married to a remorseless cheater.

ETA, we posted at the same time!


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## mishu143 (Jun 20, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> You do your children no favors by staying in this toxic situation. You dont want them to grow up and be in a relationship with this same dynamic, do you? You need to let go of that guilt, because you have done nothing wrong, and are married to a remorseless cheater.


3xnocharms, 

Thank you! Really i know you are right... I do.... I'm not happy, and I see him using his IC to blame me more than to look at his issues. In my last post I think I may have explained the guilt a bit better, it was due to my poor attitude and stuff, n to excusing him, just taking responsibility for my own snit..... I'm looking for work, but without childcare it's difficult, I have no one to help me with the kids at all. And we can't afford childcare due to all the debt we have. Debt that I never wanted nor have agreed with. Jesus the more I write the more I see just how selffish he is. 

I keep think about these couples that are married for 60 years and them saying "young people have no clue what a commitment is anymore...blah blah blah..." And I relate because I feel that way...I am that person thinking that same thing, it's a constant back and forth and I've been keeping a calendar of the eventful days in our life since the beginning of feb and trust me he isn't scoring any freaking points. I see so much written in that calendar it hurts me and scares me to see how much I put up with.... Dammit I'm angry with myself. I'm angry for believing that his would be an easy decision, and confused on why the hell this is happening to me. I'm a good person, not perfect, but good. My heart is in the right place. I always want to be there and help everyone the best way I can, but at this point I, fed up and feel how you feel about my own husband. And no matter how much I try he doesn't see it, believe it, or maybe he doesn't care, only to then say he does and he's working on it, etc.... 

The roller coaster..... That's all I feel, the roller coaster, snit, he even wanted to control my therapy. Lol..... He asked me to ask my. Therapist if watching dysfunctional family comedies over and over were okay. I literally told him to back off. I like my shows and they do nothing more than entertain me. I love to laugh and sitcoms are what I like get over it. I mean rally, this man thinks I'm so gullible uuuuurgggggh he thinks he married an idiot.


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