# Last night event that triggered me



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Something happened last night that I caught myself feeling "triggered" by emotionally, and realized it has happened in the past and bothered me, but I had not really stopped to realize it. As I continue to work on my marriage and sex life, I a trying to be more mindful of what exactly triggers an emotional negative for me, and look deeper into why and how I can come to terms or resolve the negative response.

Last night, when my wife got home from work she initiated sex. She had actually texted me earlier in the day saying she was having a stressful day and needed some "sexual healing", so I knew she was planning to initiate when she got home. We started to have sex, pretty standard sex, and after a while my wife had what I call a "dud finish". There was no orgasm to speak of, but things just fizzled out. This happens to her occasionally (I dont keep track, but maybe 1 out of every 30 sexual experiences). We use vibrators in 100% of sexual experiences, so normally her orgasm is almost always guaranteed. With the vib, it is only the rare times it does not work. When these dud times happen, it is almost always due to some type of distraction (she has a lot on her mind and loses focus, she feels rushed...i.e. kids coming home soon...or a distraction I may cause...stopping to soon, change position at the worst time, etc.

I understand why this occasionally happens and it is not part of my trigger, but what happens next always leaves me feeling very unsure. 

When these dud happen, my wife is normally a bit frustrated. There are times she just writes it off (especially if she never got far along to begin with), but many of the times she feels very pent up and wants a release that she just did not get. Sometimes she presents it as there is no point in continuing to try...it is past that point. She is often noticeably frustrated and almost angry. I have learned to not say anything, as she then feels pity....which she does not like. 

Last night when this happened, she acted very flustered, got out of bed, got dressed, and went downstairs and started watching TV. I joined her and said nothing about it. 20 minutes later, I ran out to pickup a pizza, and the second I was in the car, she ran up stairs to get herself off (she told me when I got home with the pizza). It made me feel really off. It felt very different than if she was just horny one day while I was gone and masturbated. I was home, willing, but the prior experience left her feeling that she needed to "get it done" on her own. I started to question why she would not have just asked for more when we were together just a few minutes before. I would have been more than happy to try something different, be patient, whatever was needed. If something about me being present was the roadblock, I wish she would be open to telling me about it, so I could correct it in the future. 

When these dud finishes have happened in the past, she has done one of three things each time:
1. Some occasions she has asked me to leave the room (go take a shower, run an errand, etc..) to she can finish
2. Sometimes (especially if she knows I am planned to leave soon or later in the day), she will tell me after the failed finish "I will just take care of it when you go to work)
3. Sometimes she says nothing, but the second she has alone time she runs up stairs and gives herself an orgasm (she almost always tells me, sometimes a few days later)

I find this behavior odd, especially when she is less than vocal on what drives it. I would much prefer she confront me on what it is about me being with her is hard when she is having a hard time finishing. I did ask about this once, but it put her on the defensive and made me feel she would be more secretive about this in the future is she felt I was making an issue about it. The one time we did discuss it, she said something along the lines of needing absolutely no distractions and that she needed to service herself in a way that "was not very pretty" (not sure what that means??)

I also questions if sometimes she needs to play out a mental fantasy because she needs to overcome a busy mind and distractions (she often does use fantasy to reach orgasm, partnered or alone), and that when she has these times that are hard to orgasm, she wants to "be alone in her head"....but why not just tell me that then? I would be more receptive to openness and honesty. 

So my questions to TAM:
1. Does anyone else experience this scenario (either yourself or your spouse)?
2. What are the general thoughts about this? Am I just overreacting to feel negative about this (I have a tendency to allow sexual "issues" to really impact me)


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

This happens to me and it’s totally normal. There are times that I just can’t orgasm and I know he can’t make me orgasm. And I need the release and I wait till he leaves. Its much easier to make myself orgasm, there is less pressure and less distractions.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> This happens to me and it’s totally normal. There are times that I just can’t orgasm and I know he can’t make me orgasm. And I need the release and I wait till he leaves. Its much easier to make myself orgasm, there is less pressure and less distractions.


Thank you for replying. It means a lot to hear it from someone who experiences this. 

Hoping you can give me your opinion on this...

Understanding the orgasm can be difficult sometimes, and fully understand that there is nothing I may be able to do that would help in that situation, but why not just masturbate in front of the husband and have the orgasm while together? I totally get that it can be sometimes be hard when relying on your partner, but the idea that it is less distracting and less pressure is where I get confused. What about the husband being in the room creates pressure? I am not at all critiquing. I am genuinely very interested in your take on this. I am wondering if my wife is having the same exact thought process. 

After reading your response, I know recall her actually using the words "pressure" as well, so you have my 100% attention.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

For me personally, this is a very deep issue, which is rooted in not feeling genuinely loved/lovable, safe, accepted, and/or comfortable. 

I don't think I've ever had a partnered sexual experience where _my pleasure_ was the focus. A man's ego consistently seemed more important - meaning that my orgasm was a way for 'him' to evaluate himself and his performance. 

But since I'm not a mind reader, I could be wrong.

And I think a lot of my self-consciousness has to do with not feeling like I wasn't allowed to take the time necessary to please myself - which is on me. It's a self-imposed insecurity. Basically feeling like I was being timed. I even read an article once that said, 'you need to be able to orgasm quickly'. That that's a barometer of a desirable woman.



Married_in_michigan said:


> So my questions to TAM:
> 1. Does anyone else experience this scenario (either yourself or your spouse)?
> 2. What are the general thoughts about this? Am I just overreacting to feel negative about this (I have a tendency to allow sexual "issues" to really impact me)


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

minimalME said:


> For me personally, this is a very deep issue, which is rooted in not feeling genuinely loved/lovable, safe, accepted, and/or comfortable.
> 
> I don't think I've ever had a partnered sexual experience where _my pleasure_ was the focus. A man's ego consistently seemed more important - meaning that my orgasm was a way for 'him' to evaluate himself and his performance.
> 
> ...


interesting....I am confident that I do not imply any pressure on timing (needing it to be quick), but I wonder if I somehow imply that her orgasm is about my performance. I for sure do not do it intentionally if I do.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

What your wife is doing is totally normal. Your obsession over it will only make her retreat further if your not careful. It is my observation that woman HATE to talk about that type of thing. I personally would never bring it up again.

I applaud your efforts for improvement but dude: YOU ARE TOO MUCH IN YOUR HEAD.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Maybe it would be productive to have an open conversation - during a time completely separate from the bedroom (a time of lesser frustration for her)? 

You might communicate your willingness to help her feel more comfortable?



Married_in_michigan said:


> interesting....I am confident that I do not imply any pressure on timing (needing it to be quick), but I wonder if I somehow imply that her orgasm is about my performance. I for sure do not do it intentionally if I do.


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

My W sometimes it just does not happen. The reason is it is taking a long time and she thinks I'm getting tired. She loses that edge as a result. The truth is I will go the distance. Took my W a while to understand that, free her mind and enjoy the ride. All is good now


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why are you making her orgasm all about you? She obviously doesn't want you lying there and watching her. It is sounding a little controlling on your part.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Something happened last night that I caught myself feeling "triggered" by emotionally, and realized it has happened in the past and bothered me, but I had not really stopped to realize it. As I continue to work on my marriage and sex life, I a trying to be more mindful of what exactly triggers an emotional negative for me, and look deeper into why and how I can come to terms or resolve the negative response.
> 
> Last night, when my wife got home from work she initiated sex. She had actually texted me earlier in the day saying she was having a stressful day and needed some "sexual healing", so I knew she was planning to initiate when she got home. We started to have sex, pretty standard sex, and after a while my wife had what I call a "dud finish". There was no orgasm to speak of, but things just fizzled out. This happens to her occasionally (I dont keep track, but maybe 1 out of every 30 sexual experiences). We use vibrators in 100% of sexual experiences, so normally her orgasm is almost always guaranteed. With the vib, it is only the rare times it does not work. When these dud times happen, it is almost always due to some type of distraction (she has a lot on her mind and loses focus, she feels rushed...i.e. kids coming home soon...or a distraction I may cause...stopping to soon, change position at the worst time, etc.
> 
> ...


Ok. I will address #2 as to my general thoughts because I have never encountered your situation.

Mrs. C and I have had dud climaxes, which were actually funny and we both laughed about, but our sexual dynamic is quite different from yours.

There have literally only been less than a handful of times that either Mrs. C or myself couldn't climax and she has only been upset about it once where I have been frustrated a few times.

Can I ask your ages?

How long has your relationship been?

Objectively, what type of shape are you both in?

I have some input but it is only from my POV.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

P.S. I'm trying to picture you two physically.

Can you give a description of your height, weight, muscle mass as compared to hers?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If she really does fantasize 100% of the time, given what her fantasy is, it’s not surprising that doesn’t always work with a partner. She wants to be alone, with no “distractions“, so she can completely focus on her fantasy. If she weren’t so religious, she might have chosen a different life entirely. As it is, this fantasy is what really satisfies her. If you want a sex life with her, you need to accept what‘s important to her and let go of your idea of what she should do.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Married_in_michigan said:


> Thank you for replying. It means a lot to hear it from someone who experiences this.
> 
> Hoping you can give me your opinion on this...
> 
> ...


Personally I would never masterbate in front of my partner after he finished. It’s because I know he is looking at me, and it’s just awkward. Plus I put myself in a weird position to make myself orgasm faster and it’s like ugly looking. I just don’t want to think at all. I don’t want to be judged, I don’t want to try to look sexy, or feel any kind of pressure.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

minimalME said:


> Maybe it would be productive to have an open conversation - during a time completely separate from the bedroom (a time of lesser frustration for her)?
> 
> You might communicate your willingness to help her feel more comfortable?


I am not sure I ever want to discuss this with her. As others said, it would just push her away. I am more trying to understand and use TAM as a way to get feedback.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Why are you making her orgasm all about you? She obviously doesn't want you lying there and watching her. It is sounding a little controlling on your part.


I dont think I am making her orgasm all about me...at least not intentionally or concisely. I just was contemplating if maybe wife felt that way, based on another persons response to my post.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Girl_power said:


> Personally I would never masterbate in front of my partner after he finished. It’s because I know he is looking at me, and it’s just awkward. Plus I put myself in a weird position to make myself orgasm faster and it’s like ugly looking. I just don’t want to think at all. I don’t want to be judged, I don’t want to try to look sexy, or feel any kind of pressure.


ok...that is fair. She has masturbated in front of me many, many times, both before, during, and after I have finished. The vast majority of the time, I wait to finish until after her, but the few times it does not happen that way, she normally has no issue masturbating (sometimes with me touching also, sometimes not). It only seems during these times that orgasm is hard to attain that this "situation" happens. 

I do find your point about awkward being a possible reason (someone just there and already sexually satisfied). Its not like I would just sit and stare, but I still get your point. 

As far as the weird position, I dont think that applies to her, but I know sometimes when its hard to orgasm, she cranks up the vib to 100% and goes to town. Maybe she feels that is too awkward to have someone there??


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Openminded said:


> If she really does fantasize 100% of the time, given what her fantasy is, it’s not surprising that doesn’t always work with a partner. She wants to be alone, with no “distractions“, so she can completely focus on her fantasy. If she weren’t so religious, she might have chosen a different life entirely. As it is, this fantasy is what really satisfies her. If you want a sex life with her, you need to accept what‘s important to her and let go of your idea of what she should do.


I have thought about this, but she fantasizes during sex with me all the time, so not sure it would stop her by me being there. if anything, maybe these times she cannot finish or has a "dud" orgasm, she needs to go fully into heavy fantasy and that is tough with someone else there


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

ConanHub said:


> P.S. I'm trying to picture you two physically.
> 
> Can you give a description of your height, weight, muscle mass as compared to hers?


Not sure where you are going with this....especially related this this thread, but happy to answer

Both mid-40's
Both 5'10"
me 170lbs, her around 140lbs
both workout regularly. Both of us have a little extra around the waist we would not mind shedding, but neither of us are more than a few pounds overweight. Good BMI, muscle mass. 
Been together about 27 years (started dating in high school)


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Married_in_michigan said:


> I have thought about this, but she fantasizes during sex with me all the time, so not sure it would stop her by me being there. if anything, maybe these times she cannot finish or has a "dud" orgasm, she needs to go fully into heavy fantasy and that is tough with someone else there


Yes, that’s certainly possible. Her usual fantasy might not always work and when that happens she needs to be alone so she can focus on whatever she needs to finish.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

OP have you ever heard of edging?


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> OP have you ever heard of edging?


yes, and we have done it a few times. Wife is not a huge fan. We have done it with some good success a couple times, but she is not into it very often


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

minimalME said:


> I don't think I've ever had a partnered sexual experience where _my pleasure_ was the focus. A man's ego consistently seemed more important - meaning that my orgasm was a way for 'him' to evaluate himself and his performance.
> 
> But since I'm not a mind reader, I could be wrong.
> 
> And I think a lot of my self-consciousness has to do with not feeling like I wasn't allowed to take the time necessary to please myself - which is on me. It's a self-imposed insecurity. Basically feeling like I was being timed. I even read an article once that said, 'you need to be able to orgasm quickly'. That that's a barometer of a desirable woman.


That seems fairly accurate to me. During partnered sex she likely feels it is all about him. Even her pleasure is somehow all done for his enjoyment. I am however intrigued by the fact that she seems to announce her solo activities after the fact. Almost as a passive aggressive way to take back her pleasure for herself and make it known. Or maybe it is a way to ask him to not place so much focus on her pleasure as if, "just don't worry about it as I'll be OK."

Ultimately good sex is about learning to be ruthlessly selfish in front of your partner, but do so in a way that is mutually shared with each other. Anyone with self confidence issues or with a mild performance anxiety of trying to please the other will be robbed of all their pleasure. *Sometimes the main problem is the notion of feeling that you don't deserve the pleasure for yourself and that you do not want to inconvenience the other in order to get it. *As in being worried that someone's hands, arms, legs, back may be uncomfortable of a certain position is sustained for too long (can we stop my leg is cramping!).

In my opinion it is way more fun to slow down and try to NOT have an orgasm and then enjoy failing at that in ways you could have never imagined!  My wife actually gets upset if she climaxes during foreplay as she always wants that to happen with me inside her. I'll admit I enjoy pushing that boundary to make foreplay last a little longer until she forces herself onto me at some point. Sometimes we reverse roles and she does that to me until I get aggressive and have to have it (afterwards she will admit she had too much fun with me and that it was actually her that took advantage of me). 

Badsanta


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ooooh this is the wife that literally ALWAYS needs to fantasize about being with a woman and not OP, is that correct?


----------



## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

I have never told a single soul this (and probably shouldn’t now) but here goes. When my husband and I do mutual masturbation or if I masturbate in front of him it is still all about turning him on and giving him the visual. When I masturbate by myself it is so not sexy, it really is ugly. I do what I did as a kid when I was first realizing things felt good. I lay on my stomach and use any available balled up fabric (towel, tshirt, sheets) to rub between my legs. It works for me and it is comforting. I can’t imagine what that would look like to anyone that walked in but I assume they would think I was having some medical emergency.

My husband knows I masturbate sometimes but I really don’t want to break the illusion that my sexy alone time is indeed sexy. I won’t ever show him that I hump laundry like a dog, not happening.


----------



## Hiner112 (Nov 17, 2019)

Women have described their masturbation as "ugly" a couple times in this thread. I'm not saying its impossible but I can't wrap my head around it. From my perspective a woman enjoying herself is _always_ sexy. I can respect her desire for privacy and lack of distractions but I wouldn't understand _that_ objection.


----------



## Chaotic (Jul 6, 2013)

OP, I think you might be reading too much into this. I can't speak for all women, but I know I often need to concentrate to get off, and occasionally it can be hard to concentrate with someone else in the room, no matter how supportive and enthusiastic they are. If your W needs to concentrate to find a particularly elusive orgasm, she might just need solitude for that, just because it's hard to focus when someone else is there. It's not anything against you, it's just a need for some private time.


----------



## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

Chaotic said:


> OP, I think you might be reading too much into this. I can't speak for all women, but I know I often need to concentrate to get off, and occasionally it can be hard to concentrate with someone else in the room, no matter how supportive and enthusiastic they are. If your W needs to concentrate to find a particularly elusive orgasm, she might just need solitude for that, just because it's hard to focus when someone else is there. It's not anything against you, it's just a need for some private time.


I am sure this is probably exactly the case, but when it happens it for sure causes me to run 100 things through my mind. As you and others have said, I am likely more in my head about this than I need to be.


----------



## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

29/30 is a really good track record. Most women would be jealous. I've also noticed that woman usually aren't put off by the occasional (or not so occasional) missed orgasm.


----------

