# Should a wife be upset at this…



## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence. (Ex; he’s had close friendships with coworkers - drinks, dinner, lunches, etc). I’ve never proved he’s ever cheated. He prides himself as a good honorable husband. 

So should this latest thing upset me????

His entire office works from home since pandemic began. A new girl (Tina) age 32 (husband is 51) started working there 4 months ago. He mentioned it briefly but no big deal. Their team has 8 people on it (2 women 6 men). My husband has been there 4 yrs and not a managerial role. 

So last nite we are looking for a tv show to watch and my husband suggests Sex Life. He said someone at work recommended it. I asked who and he said Tina. I said why would Tina recommend this kind of show to YOU and how did it come up? He said that he and Tina chat on their work messaging app about tv shows. He recommended a show for her and she told him he should try Sex Life but warned him it was x-rated.
My first question was: why does Tina think you and her have such a close friendship she would recommend a show like this to you? I think it’s not appropriate.

My next question is: if u ended up watching it, how would u go about discussing an x-rated sex show with a coworker?

This whole thing just burns me up. I personally wouldn’t be chatting up a male coworker with an x-rated show recommendation. What kind of person does this?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

This doesn’t seem abnormal or unusual to me although it is certainly unwise from an HR perspective to do it in a messaging system. 

Normally when WFH any discussion that shouldn’t be recorded should be on a call, so basically anything that isn’t work related.

Discussing a show like that would put him right in the crosshairs for HR if Tina decides she doesn’t like what he says about it or just gets sick of him period. I would avoid such topics. It’s not unusual to discuss shows with coworkers though.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence. (Ex; he’s had close friendships with coworkers - drinks, dinner, lunches, etc). I’ve never proved he’s ever cheated. He prides himself as a good honorable husband.
> 
> So should this latest thing upset me????
> 
> ...


I think work should be kept work, imo. Your coworkers should only know the basics of your family and no issues in regard to your family. 
Yes, recommending an R-rated tv show does cross work appropriate lines. 

However, I don't think your husband meant any harm, as he was willing to share with you the entire information about it and not lie about it. 
He could have very well given you another point of origin as to how he found out about the show. 

Ask him to keep his work relations more work oriented in the future.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I have meetings every day, several times a day. My team meetings almost always consist of about 30 minutes of non-work chat. Often politics, but it varies. I had one woman tell me all about her hysterectomy and bathroom troubles... some people have no filter.

As for shows, that one hasn't come up but when Game of Thrones was on _everyone_ was talking about it. And there is some R-rated stuff there. 

If he works from home and you are concerned, just put a VAR (voice-activated recorder) under his desk or something. Simple as that. You could say "well he's doing confidential work and I could get in legal trouble!". Sure, if you get caught. Listen to it, delete it right after, and don't tell him about your proof (if you get it).

P.S. That show is stupid.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

We discussed it. He said he’s not at fault that she sent the recommendation for this show. I say he IS at fault for not saying this isn’t appropriate to discuss on MS teams at work. There are many other people on the team but he has to talk to her? Why?

Also Consider this- I know for a fact his company tech dept routinely scans their communications for keywords and I’m sure sex is one of them. Or maybe the word x-rated is. Does he want to be having chats that contain those words? Also suppose the girl decides she thinks he’s flirty for constantly messaging her. So she goes to HR with a harassment complaint…then guess what - there are chats of them discussing sex related shows on teams and he loses his job that our family depends on for insurance, bills, etc. Could he possibly crawl out of her a** long enough to consider that. If he can’t be bothered to care what I think and my feelings then he should consider the professional ramifications.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> We discussed it. He said he’s not at fault that she sent the recommendation for this show. I say he IS at fault for not saying this isn’t appropriate to discuss on MS teams at work. There are many other people on the team but he has to talk to her? Why?
> 
> Also Consider this- I know for a fact his company tech dept routinely scans their communications for keywords and I’m sure sex is one of them. Or maybe the word x-rated is. Does he want to be having chats that contain those words? Also suppose the girl decides she thinks he’s flirty for constantly messaging her. So she goes to HR with a harassment complaint…then guess what - there are chats of them discussing sex related shows on teams and he loses his job that our family depends on for insurance, bills, etc. Could he possibly crawl out of her a** long enough to consider that. If he can’t be bothered to care what I think and my feelings then he should consider the professional ramifications.


To answer your first question...............she's 32 and I'd guess at the very least she is bangable if not hot.

As CC said,this is very dumb to do over company messaging. This is a slam dunk for HR if she ever did wake up on the wrong side of the bed. Or..........if she likes him and he doesn't return the affection, then she turns him in. Either way, he put himself in a bad situation. There's also not a time limit on this stuff, she can come back down the road anytime she wants to file a complaint.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

We talked it out again and he’s just not having it that he did a thing wrong. He says every Monday during their team call that they all share tv show suggestions. I said yes this is the correct way to do it. Not on teams privately with a female. I think I’m right about this. What’s his problem just asking her during the meeting and leaving it at that? Also- like I previously said - why did she feel close enough to him to share that show (sexy x-rated type show)? I would personally feel weird sharing that one with one of my male coworkers because just where does a discussion about this type of show lead? Not anywhere good imo. 

So he said he would continue chatting with her but would be aware of her chats and shut them down if necessary. Then he tells me I should learn to get over stuff quicker (he just told me last night to be fair it’s only been 12 hrs). Then this little smart*** says over the past month he’s been wanting to have sex with me and we get into arguments I can’t get over and it messes up our plans for sex. Are men really from Mars???? Because I think he is!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jackierossbabe said:


> We talked it out again and he’s just not having it that he did a thing wrong. He says every Monday during their team call that they all share tv show suggestions. I said yes this is the correct way to do it. Not on teams privately with a female. I think I’m right about this. What’s his problem just asking her during the meeting and leaving it at that? Also- like I previously said - why did she feel close enough to him to share that show (sexy x-rated type show)? I would personally feel weird sharing that one with one of my male coworkers because just where does a discussion about this type of show lead? Not anywhere good imo.
> 
> So he said he would continue chatting with her but would be aware of her chats and shut them down if necessary. Then he tells me I should learn to get over stuff quicker (he just told me last night to be fair it’s only been 12 hrs). Then this little smart*** says over the past month he’s been wanting to have sex with me and we get into arguments I can’t get over and it messes up our plans for sex. Are men really from Mars???? Because I think he is!


A few comments for you to consider. You say he regularly puts himself in inappropriate situations. He could be doing that consciously or subconsciously. You might want to investigate and figure out which it is. 

You are correct in that he is in this litigation prone society placing his job and career at risk by what he has done.

All of these are potential red flags.

However, the biggest red flag is that he "feels" *".....over the past month he’s been wanting to have sex with me and we get into arguments I can’t get over and it messes up our plans for sex. ......" *

This is is serious problem with your marriage that you should not ignore. It does not matter what the truth is, his feelings indicate that he feels you have sexually alienated him. That is serious. You can ignore it, you can dismiss it as not true, but you really better deal with it, if you value your marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Is he getting a vicarious thrill that some woman at the office is talking to him about a sexy tv show? Undoubtedly. Is he curled up on the couch watching it with her? No. Does she have squishy boundaries? Yes. There's one in every office -- well, two, counting your husband. 

Don't reward bad behavior by having sex when he's done something to piss you off, of course. But I believe you are correct that he should not be having one-on-one private conversations just between her and him. Maybe not even because it's pissing you off and making you suspicious -- but that it's probably making the whole office suspicious. She may be doing this to everyone who gives her any encouragement. If there is, say, a Christmas party for the office, I strongly suggest you be there. But if he ignores you at that and then cuts up with her, he's screwed up both at marriage and in front of his coworkers and isn't very professional.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jackierossbabe said:


> We talked it out again and he’s just not having it that he did a thing wrong.


Why do you keep having these talks? He's told you he doesn't feel he did anything wrong. You are not going to convince him otherwise.



Jackierossbabe said:


> So he said he would continue chatting with her but would be aware of her chats and shut them down if necessary. Then he tells me I should learn to get over stuff quicker (he just told me last night to be fair it’s only been 12 hrs).


It sounds like you husband has poor boundaries with this coworker. It also sounds like he doesn't respect your feelings. This is why I suggest you stop with the "talks." It resolves nothing and just goes 'round and 'round with no conclusion.

You're asking a bunch of total strangers if you should feel as you do. How about asking yourself? If you think what your husband is doing is inappropriate, then that's how you feel. If you feel his conversations are inappropriate with this particular coworker, fine. 

Do you have your husband's passwords? Does he have yours? If not, why?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence. (Ex; he’s had close friendships with coworkers - drinks, dinner, lunches, etc). I’ve never proved he’s ever cheated. He prides himself as a good honorable husband.
> 
> So should this latest thing upset me????
> 
> ...


Due to the topic of their conversation, I would think it’s a tad inappropriate in an office setting , especially if they aren’t old friends and this is casual conversation… I don’t blame you for being upset , that was also inappropriate that she discussed that show with your husband , it just isn’t the type of conversation I’d have with a man . 
But do keep in mind a lot of people won’t find this odd because they have personalities that don’t acknowledge this as “ inappropriate “
I’d say let your husband know what you think of it , just to give him the sense of where you stand in such conversations with co workers … there is work talk , friendly talk. And there’s “ inappropriate “


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I think you are in the wrong here. If he is just talking tv shows with a co-worker, I think you are being jealous and controlling and I’d be upset also if I were him. No history of cheating here so I’m not sure why you are getting so jealous. They are talking at work about nonsense. He’s not texting her at night talking about your marriage.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

RebuildingMe said:


> He’s not texting her at night talking about your marriage.


That has not been established by the OP. I would be interested to know if she's aware of any other conversations her husband has had with this coworker. Sorry, but I don't consider a coworker suggesting x-rated programs to OP's husband to be appropriate. We also don't know if there's been a history of inappropriate discussions or a history of cheating (either EA or PA) to conclude that what the husband did was okay.

I'd like to get more info. from the OP. She may be unreasonable here. Then again, she may not.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Very inappropriate, both should know better honestly - she's 32 not 17 fgs.

Game of Thrones is a completely different scenario to Sex Life lol.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Very inappropriate, both should know better honestly - she's 32 not 17 fgs.
> 
> Game of Thrones is a completely different scenario to Sex Life lol.


I agree, the specifics of this movie makes it very inappropriate for work and for a married man and a woman not his wife. Making the suggestion is innocent enough, but what happens when they start talking about episodes like the one with the dude's giant penis? 

As for work, he is flirting with danger. I'm in senior management and if I knew one of my direct reports was discussing something like this over our internal messaging system when they should be working I would put a stop to it immediately with a warning of consequences for not stopping.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

Yes so here’s the info you should know: our marriage almost ended 2 yr ago when he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with. He denied anything happened physically but I saw texts, messaging, and going for lunch at work with her alone. So could’ve been more than I know I just had to trust it wasn’t. But we got into some brutal arguments because he refused to see it as inappropriate and he threatened divorce if I didn’t let it go. So it’s a sore subject and I take it as possible repeat behavior. He must be getting something out of chatting up females - it seems like he doesn’t treat them differently than males and spends more time talking to them than males.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Jackierossbabe said:


> ...he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with.


What occurred that you deem inappropriate? Why did you back down when he suggested, or as you say, "threatened" divorce?


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

What was in the texts that you saw?


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Prodigal said:


> That has not been established by the OP. I would be interested to know if she's aware of any other conversations her husband has had with this coworker. Sorry, but I don't consider a coworker suggesting x-rated programs to OP's husband to be appropriate. We also don't know if there's been a history of inappropriate discussions or a history of cheating (either EA or PA) to conclude that what the husband did was okay.
> 
> I'd like to get more info. from the OP. She may be unreasonable here. Then again, she may not.


Sorry, I’m just not seeing it…..yet. A lot of assumptions and innuendo but nothing concrete. Sex life is not xrated. It’s not porn. It’s a Netflix series. Even in OP’s update, no new facts presented. I stand by my opinion. I look for a lot of red flags all the time. I just don’t see fire, let alone smoke here. At least based upon the limited info provided thus far.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

The thing two years ago was with a different coworker. The relationship was too one-on-one. Never saw all the texts because he deleted some from the phone and they chatted mainly thru their work app (which I never demanded to see). 

After our blowout and almost losing each other, he and I agreed to go to counseling. The woman moved out of state and stopped working there. Things went back to normal for us. It took over a year to get there (rebuilding trust).

I’m upset now because I see it as another friendship starting up again at work. I don’t know where he will take it, and I promised myself no more if it happens again (and divorce isn’t what I want as I love him). But I have to have some integrity and self love and not allow my heart to get trampled on again.

One would think given what we went thru and what is at stake he would tread carefully with these friendships. But no- he seeks them out. He had a male best friend (Jon) at the office for 4 years who recently left the company. He used to talk to him on messenger all the time about everything including tv shows and movies. When I asked him about this woman he’s chatting with now, he said “she’s the new Jon”. I mean really. Also please keep in mind I’m not allowed any male friends whatsoever unless he knows exactly what we talk about and he can see our texts (we have a mutual male friend we’ve known 20 years).

The biggest things that bother me is 1) Why does the girl feel she can talk to my husband about sexy shows (of all the content one could stream it has to be this type of show). 2) The double standard. 3) The threats that he won’t live like this (me being upset about it) because it disrupts his peaceful living.

Actually tonight he went to bed mad at me. I got really angry today and told him he should be more careful and have better boundaries. Then I said maybe I don’t plan to live like this (he took it as I wanted to divorce him) and he got upset. I apologized, but he’s still distant to me.

Da** is it so much to ask of him to tone down the chatting up of females? Why is it so difficult? The only reason I can see is that it does something for him. He’s obviously getting some type of thrill or he wouldn’t risk upsetting me. I told him I can recommend imdb, rotten tomatoes, etc (tons of review sites for shows). Obviously I’m missing something here.


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## recovering2018 (Sep 9, 2021)

32 would put her more than a generation younger than I. I can tell you from personal observation that boundaries are far more squishy with millenials and Zs. It's not uncommon for people to share selfies of their privates in the pre or early-dating stage. 
So while inappropriate, someone her age being suggestive on work chat, while inappropriate, would not be surprising. They're being flirtatious and your husband should know better and have boundaries.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

I don’t understand what the girl was doing- she is married and on social media seems happily married. I asked my husband to see the chat log in teams (I wanted to see how this topic came up). He told me the conversations are kept in teams for 7 days after which their company has them set to delete. 

So there were about 15-20 messages between them in a weeks time. Most were work related and my husband sent her a giant smiley face emoji after asking her if she had finished a task in their taskfile. I asked why the need for the emoji and he said it’s normal. Then she said “I’ve got a show for you- sex life”. “I will say it’s x-rated”. Then he said “I’ll check it out thanks!” Then she asked if he watched it and he said “not yet”. Then she said “the ending is extremely risqué and x-rated”.

So I’m not sure if she was trying to get a reaction from him or what. Tonight, he said a team leader position is available and his bosses were thinking of giving him the role. I’m sitting here thinking about his chats and how does it look for a manager to be doing stuff like this!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Jackierossbabe said:


> Yes so here’s the info you should know: *our marriage almost ended 2 yr ago when he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with*. He denied anything happened physically but I saw texts, messaging, and going for lunch at work with her alone. So could’ve been more than I know I just had to trust it wasn’t. But we got into some brutal arguments because he refused to see it as inappropriate and he threatened divorce if I didn’t let it go. So it’s a sore subject and I take it as possible repeat behavior. He must be getting something out of chatting up females - it seems like he doesn’t treat them differently than males and spends more time talking to them than males.





Jackierossbabe said:


> The thing two years ago was with a different coworker. The relationship was too one-on-one. Never saw all the texts because *he deleted some from the phone* and they chatted mainly thru their work app (which I never demanded to see).
> 
> After our blowout and almost losing each other, *he and I agreed to go to counseling. *The woman moved out of state and stopped working there. Things went back to normal for us. It took over a year to get there (rebuilding trust).
> 
> ...


The above puts everything in a totally different light from the original posts. Since you have done counseling about the topic, I would say that you either need a much more skilled marriage counselor (you need them to help the two of you focus on appropriate boundaries) or you need to divorce him. If you want to try to make it work, get a better marriage counselor, but I don't think it will do much good.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Jackierossbabe said:


> Also please keep in mind I’m not allowed any male friends whatsoever unless he knows exactly what we talk about and he can see our texts (we have a mutual male friend we’ve known 20 years).


Why are you tolerating this double standard? 
Your husband goes after female coworkers because he likes the attention. At heart, he may be the class clown - he wants to be liked.
He has told you he isn't going to stop and even threatens divorce if you don't stop bugging him about his lack of boundaries. 

Sorry, he wants to act as though he is single. Let him be single. And, unemployed if he keeps up this crap. If you aren't employed, you may want to think about changing that.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I mean Game of Thrones has sexual content and I would discuss in a group setting verbally with female coworkers if they liked the show and were talking about it first. Ex. you go out for lunch with people and they’re talking about the show.

Depending on the woman, some will hang like “one of the guys” which is dangerous but generally ok in a public place in a group.

1-1 no way.

Recording no way.

It’s not a matter of being nefarious or anything there is just too much liability there in the #meToo era. When I had to meet with women at work 1-1 I would usually go with them to a public place Mike Pence style or do it right under a security camera in the office.

With all that said, with the limited amount they’re chatting it sounds like you’re blowing it up WAY out of proportion in my opinion. If my wife was talking to one of her male subordinates occasionally about shows on TV I wouldn’t care one bit as long as she’s on voice or video.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Here's a slightly different take on it based on the info we have.

At the very least she is looking for attention. This woman probably watches a dozen different show she could have brought up that doesn't have sex in the title. This was done for a reaction from the guys. It's a line in the water to see who bites. The second cast was her asking if he watched the show yet. Another invitation to talk about sex. 

Am I reading into this? Yes, I have more years single than married so I can imagine being a single guy (who didn't care about his job) using this as an invitation and I'd quickly move the conversation off company devices. Women who don't want attention don't bring up sex during team meetings, period. She did it under the cover of oooohhhhhhhh it's just a show. 

Now....we all have that one creepy guy in the department that nobody likes and none of the managers will admit to hiring him. Let's call him Creepy Larry. If Creepy Larry starts talking about his new favorite show "Sex Life", you can bet at the very least our pal Larry is going to get a talking to. He might even have a complaint against him and end up having to pack up his red stapler and head for the door. Nobody would defend Larry the way they are Ms Hot 32 yr old chick. It's just the way it is out there.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

So after yet another discussion about this with my husband....he says that I can trust him that he will shut down any further chats with her regarding the show. He said their group of coworkers uses Teams to communicate, so he has to chat with her and all of the others on Teams to talk about tasks etc. He says he understands boundaries and that SHE is the one who sent him the chat about that particular show and he does NOT plan to discuss it with her. He said he will tell her he isn't interested in discussing those types of shows. I took a quick peek at her on FB to see what she looks like- she is a Kim K lookalike (so she is attractive). She is also 41 years old (I originally thought she was younger). 

Last night while sitting on the sofa watching tv, my husband seemed more distant. I guess he is angry at me from my outburst yesterday (that I wouldn't go thru another one of his EA with coworker). I suppose I jumped the gun there, but I still have some slight lingering anxiety that he could do this to me again. The last time was very life disruptive to me and my children. I wanted him to know that I WILL NOT be doing that again. So in my opinion, he's walking a tightrope here. If I were him, I probably would keep my conversations with female employees 100% strictly business. He just has a tendency to be overly friendly to them and that's how these type of relationships get started. So in a way- it almost seems like he is testing me to see what I will do (he's not going to like the outcome if it goes there again).

I thought we should have some makeup sex, so at 10:30pm I offered to go up to his bedroom with him and we could get romantic. He turned me down and said it was too late. (Up until about a month ago we slept in the same bed- but the bed has issues and isn't comfortable for me....he refuses to get another mattress that suits both of us....so I had to move into our guest bedroom to get some sleep for myself). So it seems he's holding a grudge. Also the fact that we don't sleep together isn't helping us become closer and make up after fights.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

The previous affair was proabably more than emotional. you never answered how much about the previous you knew. What texts you saw.

The general rule is infidelity doesn't have a timeline. You are allowed to still feel insecure about his interactions with females a year later. That's on him.

But also if you want to stay married you two need better communication and relationship building. Sex is important so continue to make an effort since you are sleeping separate. 

At a time when neither of you is upset you should discuss boundaries not just this incident. Frankly both of you should have the password to each others phone and not even flinch if the other person picks up your phone. You should be able to look at the teams transcript whenever you like. But can they have stuff deleted? I know in my zoom chat transcript I can delete.

What have you two done to build a relationship? what activities do you do together? Do you still date?

You need to figure out is this the man you want to be married to? You say you love him but he doesn't seem to reciprocate.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Jackierossbabe said:


> Then I said maybe I don’t plan to live like this (he took it as I wanted to divorce him) and he got upset.


Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed as well. Just sayin. 



Jackierossbabe said:


> I thought we should have some makeup sex


Do you always control when you have sex?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> Yeah, I’d be pretty pissed as well. Just sayin.
> 
> 
> 
> Do you always control when you have sex?


Obviousy not. She initiated he turned down. That was him controlling.
Ideally both would initiate and both would accept. Or not be bent out of shape when turned down as long as it wasn't too often.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

*Regarding looking at his Teams transcript: * When he feels the conversation regarding this incident is over, then he does not appreciate me asking to look at his transcript. He gets really bent out of shape. He thinks it is a trust violation and he starts saying things like (I don't want to have a spouse who doesn't trust me). Once he thinks a discussion is solved he thinks it's over and done with no further talks about it. I'm not scared to ask to see it however. Because at this point, I'm not really scared of his threats. It would just mean days of arguing and him giving me the cold shoulder.

Yes I was the last to initiate sex and he turned me down because he deemed it was too close to his bedtime (he's been very very strict with his bedtime). We ran some errands last night, and then had dinner late...so I didn't intentionally ask late it just got late on us.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Jackierossbabe said:


> *...our marriage almost ended 2 yr ago when he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with*.





Jackierossbabe said:


> One would think given what we went thru and what is at stake he would tread carefully with these friendships...Also please keep in mind I’m not allowed any male friends whatsoever unless he knows exactly what we talk about and he can see our texts...
> 
> He’s obviously getting some type of thrill or he wouldn’t risk upsetting me.


I mean, wow. The double standard. The audacity. Holy cow.

Bottom line, he really doesn't care about your feelings on this, so he just keeps doing it. You've shown him by staying the first time that there are no consequences, he enjoys it so why would he stop?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> *Regarding looking at his Teams transcript: * When he feels the conversation regarding this incident is over, then he does not appreciate me asking to look at his transcript. He gets really bent out of shape. He thinks it is a trust violation and he starts saying things like (I don't want to have a spouse who doesn't trust me). Once he thinks a discussion is solved he thinks it's over and done with no further talks about it. I'm not scared to ask to see it however. Because at this point, I'm not really scared of his threats. It would just mean days of arguing and him giving me the cold shoulder.
> 
> Yes I was the last to initiate sex and he turned me down because he deemed it was too close to his bedtime (he's been very very strict with his bedtime). We ran some errands last night, and then had dinner late...so I didn't intentionally ask late it just got late on us.


It's sounds like he doesn't trust you, but trusts himself.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

frusdil said:


> I mean, wow. The double standard. The audacity. Holy cow.
> 
> Bottom line, he really doesn't care about your feelings on this, so he just keeps doing it. You've shown him by staying the first time that there are no consequences, he enjoys it so why would he stop?


Yes I should have been more in control of that situation. I allowed him to threaten divorce when it wasn't his place. If anyone should have it should've been me doing it. One of our children was not in a good place with their health and had a cancer scare. During this, it would've been difficult to leave and would've caused our children much pain. So I stayed and he promised to block talking to the OW. She later tried to contact him via text and we both blocked her together and to my knowledge he hasn't spoken to her since (I have ways of checking). Of course he could probably still dupe me, but I have to take his word. 

Now as far as the new situation- I really think HE thinks he's just keeping good rapport with all of his coworkers and doesn't discriminate between males and females. He blames this new woman for taking it to the level of texting a sex related show. I personally think he should just keep his communications related to work only with other females and there wouldn't be this problem. I am a feminist and I hate it to have to be this way- but I feel there's just too much room for something weird to happen doing these personal chats with female coworkers. Plus- it risks his job should one of them want to turn it around on him. I guess he will learn the hard way if something happens because he is too stubborn to stop. He feels as long as HE is keeping the conversation on the up and up then he's not doing anything wrong. He likes the freedom of being able to. I have to ask myself is this something divorce worthy?


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

*SO TO SUMMARIZE* (sorry I'm a bit scatterbrained in this thread ):

If you have a spouse who has had an EA (or at minimum too close of a relationship with the opposite sex that seriously affected your marriage)
HOW MUCH TRUST DO YOU EVER GET BACK ? 
HOW MUCH FREEDOM SHOULD THEY DEMAND ? 
SHOULD YOU KEEP EYES OPEN FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WATCHING WHAT THEY DO ? 
CAN THEY EVER HAVE OPPOSITE SEX FRIENDSHIPS AGAIN ?
SHOULD THEY BE THE ONE IN CONTROL OF THE OUTCOME OF YOUR MARRIAGE?

How does the betrayed obtain some self respect without butting heads and causing divorce?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Only you can answer those questions OP. There's not necessarily a right or wrong answer.

I personally couldn't come back from this. Especially after his having done it before, and willingly doing it again despite knowing how much it upset you.

This is very different from a one time inappropriate convo, and HIM going to you, asking forgiveness.

But that's me. How do *you* feel?


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You don't like your husband being friends with opposite sex co-workers. He sees nothing wrong with it. To me it's a sliding scale with some interactions being OK but not others. I don't have a problem with an occasional chat or eating lunch together. If I didn't eat lunch with men, I'd always have to dine alone. We talk about work, sports etc. Occasionally personal stuff comes up but it's nothing that couldn't be discussed in front of my DH.

Having a work discussion about TV shoes in & of itself isn't terrible. Having a discussion about this particular show is over the line given the subject matter. I mean would you really be this upset if she recommended he watch _Blue Bloods_ or the _Sopranos_?

You can't & shouldn't read the transcripts from the Teams meetings. In a worst case scenario his employer could accuse you of industrial espionage. Be really careful. 

I think your better move would be to befriend this 32 year old. Sort of mark your territory. Suggest your husband invite her & her husband for drinks or dinner or something. Just make sure she knows he's off limits. I'd probably be awful about it & in front her husband asked why she thought it was a good idea to talk to her male colleagues about this show at work? I'd also probe for her understanding about sexual harassments & hostile work environment. 

The bed / mattress thing & you sleeping in another room is a bigger problem. Just order a mattress. Tell DH you are doing it & do it. It's cheaper than a divorce. 

You two threatening divorce doesn't help either. You are eroding the foundations of your marriage.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jackierossbabe said:


> Yes so here’s the info you should know: our marriage almost ended 2 yr ago when he had an inappropriate relationship with a woman he works with. He denied anything happened physically but I saw texts, messaging, and going for lunch at work with her alone. So could’ve been more than I know I just had to trust it wasn’t. But we got into some brutal arguments because he refused to see it as inappropriate and he threatened divorce if I didn’t let it go. So it’s a sore subject and I take it as possible repeat behavior. He must be getting something out of chatting up females - it seems like he doesn’t treat them differently than males and spends more time talking to them than males.


He's got no right to tell you to get over anything since he's the cheating one.


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## DLC (Sep 19, 2021)

If it bothers you, then he should stop. Or at least invite you to be part of the group of friends There is nothing wrong with being friend with the opposite sex after marriage , but individual outing (1 on 1 dinner, etc) should be limited.

it’s not like all 1 on 1 dinner Is cheating, but they are opening the door for what’s possible.

if he needs to look outside for “excitement”, even though he is not trying to “get some”, there is something needs to work on within the marriage. Could be him, or you, or both.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> took a quick peek at her on FB to see what she looks like- she is a Kim K lookalike (so she is attractive).


Does he have the same kind of conversations with the land whales on his job........or just the hot ones? I'd bet he's not chatting up big Shirley the same way he is this chick.


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## Jackierossbabe (Oct 26, 2021)

Al_Bundy said:


> Does he have the same kind of conversations with the land whales on his job........or just the hot ones? I'd bet he's not chatting up big Shirley the same way he is this chick.


There aren’t any of those lol. There are only a few women. He has sent messages thru teams to them too but I don’t see any xrated show suggestions coming from them. I looked this woman up on FB and she seems like a devoted Mom w husband and 2 kids. I probably wouldn’t think anything of it except there are so many shows and she sends this one…also why is she so comfortable with him that she feels ok to send it to him. Also- with him it’s gotta be one of two things: 1) he is so naive and dumb to it that it didn’t phase him to tell me or 2) he gets turned on by another woman telling him that and turned on by telling me and watching my reaction. He does have abundant fantasies where he likes to talk about threesomes, etc. (not with real people). He seems to need a lot of fantasy talk in bed and something spicy all the time which I guess points to him being bored? How normal is this?


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## Aurinkoinen (Nov 1, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> There aren’t any of those lol. There are only a few women. He has sent messages thru teams to them too but I don’t see any xrated show suggestions coming from them. I looked this woman up on FB and she seems like a devoted Mom w husband and 2 kids. I probably wouldn’t think anything of it except there are so many shows and she sends this one…also why is she so comfortable with him that she feels ok to send it to him. Also- with him it’s gotta be one of two things: 1) he is so naive and dumb to it that it didn’t phase him to tell me or 2) he gets turned on by another woman telling him that and turned on by telling me and watching my reaction. He does have abundant fantasies where he likes to talk about threesomes, etc. (not with real people). He seems to need a lot of fantasy talk in bed and something spicy all the time which I guess points to him being bored? How normal is this?


This is one thing men could learn a lot from women... A typical man may not see anything wrong with what a female co-worker is chatting him, but women see immediately what is going on.

It is a slippery slope. First the discussion is directed to innocent sex shows, if the man takes the bait then he has already lost the game.

Guys have no idea how women are master manipulators, if I want a man that is exactly how I would act. Throw him something innocent sexual thing, if he replies back then I will take him for the ride of his life. It is so easy to smoothly transit from 'office chatting' to 'very very personal and intimate chatting'.

You saved you man this time. Will you be there to save him the next time a woman is plotting to get his attention all to herself?

Guys, listen to what women warn about. They know how the female mind operates, you don't. And once you are in their territory you are lost and it will take ages for you to understand, that in the female territory there are no rules, they can be changed or removed in a flash. Leaving you helpless.


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## Angel wings (Oct 31, 2021)

Jackierossbabe said:


> So my husband of 25 years has a habit of placing himself in inappropriate situations regarding other women then claiming innocence. (Ex; he’s had close friendships with coworkers - drinks, dinner, lunches, etc). I’ve never proved he’s ever cheated. He prides himself as a good honorable husband.
> 
> So should this latest thing upset me????
> 
> ...


I personally think it was wrong to have that conversation she is definitely looking for attention if it was me in ur shoes I would approach her and ask her what's going on with her and husband. Show her who the boss and don't take nonsense from her...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

This person was banned because they are a troll. Don't feed the trolls.


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## Aurinkoinen (Nov 1, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> This person was banned because they are a troll. Don't feed the trolls.


Thank you for informing me, will definitely not feed the trolls in the future.


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