# Looking for a friend who can relate



## nonnymoose (Jun 14, 2015)

A month ago I thought I was alone in the way my life was turning... I found out from the internet that many women actually have gone through the same thing... 2 months ago I never heard of such a thing and would never have believed my husband/best friend would be such a person....

I found out while my husband was in the hospital with pneumonia, that he was HIV positive... I was floored! Since he was in the hospital with pneumonia, I knew that it was full blown Aids. I am not totally ignorant about HIV and know that it is not something that you just "catch". He tells me that he has been addicted to gay porn most of his life... I was floored again! He said that he finally got to the point 2 years ago that he wanted to try it. This man who I trusted more than anyone... went behind my back all these years (together since 1997 married in 2003) with this addiction... then made the brilliant decision to meet strange men on Craig's List and have sex with them... All the while making me think that he was impotent and just not into sex (at least with me). We have 2 beautiful daughters together... I feel like he just threw that all away. He insists he isn't gay, and says that he was "almost molested" when he was 8. Some friends dad stuck his penis in his face, and he ran... He had never mentioned it before... I see that it could mess a kid up. I can see where as a child he would be curious of those things... he says he was never touched or abused. I don't know... I'm so confused by it all. I don't know what our future holds. I am just trying to help him get better for the sake of his daughters and mother. No one knows but me, which just adds to the stress of it all. I feel like I am stuck. 
I know only time will tell... 
I am just looking for any advice or any stories of anyone in similar situations.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We've had women post here who found out that their husbands are more interested in men and in women.

How long have the two of you been together/married? how old are the two of you?

I think that you are going to need to find someone in your real life to talk to. What do the docs say his prognosis is? It seems that if he has full blown aids that there will be no hiding it from those who are close to you. So maybe finding one or two people to confide in make sense.

I feel for you. He has really messed up your life, and that of your children.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Horrible situation for you. 

You have been tested for STDS and HIV?

His confession may be only part of the truth.


----------



## nonnymoose (Jun 14, 2015)

Thank you so much! Just seeing someone else say that "he messed up" helped! I feel like I owe him... just like you always hear from "victims" - somehow maybe it's my fault. Right now I am just trying to think of my girls (7 and 8). I know that they are way too young to understand it all- They wouldn't need details at this point. But I think of their future and feel like they have the right to know what their father did before anyone else. I know that there is no future for us now. He seems to be living in a land of make-believe thinking that we do have a future together. I just try to get through the day. The Drs seem to think that his prognosis is good... even with how low his counts were and being in the hospital with pneumonia. They even talk as though there could be a cure in a the next few years. The antivirals that they have out now seem to have really worked wonders and changed how it was in the 80's.


----------



## nonnymoose (Jun 14, 2015)

I did forget to mention that I definitely got tested... I am clean and from the timing I am fine. I also was scared that he wasn't 100% truthful and worried that he could have infected me back when I was pregnant and the girls have it too. At least he was descent enough to never touch me again. If only he had been smart enough for himself too.


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

nonnymoose said:


> Thank you so much! Just seeing someone else say that "he messed up" helped! I feel like I owe him... just like you always hear from "victims" - somehow maybe it's my fault. Right now I am just trying to think of my girls (7 and 8). I know that they are way too young to understand it all- They wouldn't need details at this point. But I think of their future and feel like they have the right to know what their father did before anyone else. I know that there is no future for us now. .


Sorry, for the spot you are in. 

You do not owe him squat. He did this to himself and brought this upon your family. He is responsible for actions. You are responsible for your actions.

I agree, there is no future for you with him.

Hopefully, a cure will be found, but you are living in a sexless marriage with a cheat and a liar.

You deserve better and your daughters deserve to grow up seeing first hand what a healthy relationship between a man and a woman looks like. Not what a sham and lie looks like.

He owed you and your daughters. He made a commitment to you and brought two children into your family. This is all on him, not you. He did not hold up his end of commitment.

If you decide to stay, don't do it because you feel like you owe him.

Personally, there is no way I could get past this. He wasn't even bright enough to use a condom with his sexual escapades. He didn't think about anyone but himself.


----------



## nonnymoose (Jun 14, 2015)

Thank you so much "Workindad". You are totally right in everything you say. I just needed to "hear" it from someone other than my own mind. There are so many opinions out there on staying together for the children. I come from a conservative family where there should always be a mom and dad at home... I know in my heart that isn't always the truth and that it does need to end. One day I think they need to have us both at home for them... then the next minute I think I need to leave to show them that they do not have to stay with a man. I would be upset if they were in this same situation and didn't get out. I hate to also admit that the money part of it scares me. He makes more than me... but he also has more bills than me. I wouldn't be able to afford the house without him - unless I got half his pay for child support... I know our house probably couldn't get now what we paid for it... just all those same things that go through everyone's minds. The main thing is what do I tell the girls. I have thought about starting a journal to them about what is going on with my life now, and letting them read it when they are older. I also wonder... when will they be old enough. They are both very smart... I don't want to mess up their future.


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nonnymoose, one thing is for sure. Until you can unload him, you need to have a "sexless" marriage.


----------



## intuitionoramiwrong (Mar 18, 2014)

Was there any affection in your marriage at all? Was he a good enough husband and provider for you to be okay with a sexless marriage? How did it last this long without sex? I ask as someone in a pretty sexless marriage, but not "that" sexless. 

And as for him saying he isn't gay. Well, he is gay. And there isn't anything wrong with that. The lying to you is what is wrong.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

nonnymoose said:


> I did forget to mention that I definitely got tested... I am clean and from the timing I am fine. I also was scared that he wasn't 100% truthful and worried that he could have infected me back when I was pregnant and the girls have it too. At least he was descent enough to never touch me again. If only he had been smart enough for himself too.


Well done! You are a very smart, focused lady.

Now for some tough-love advice. 

You have a Responsibility to protect yourself AND your children.

Unless he is very financially well off, you need to protect yourself and your children's future from sky-high, future medical costs. His future co-pays and annual deductibles are likely to destroy you financially, unless he has some kind of incredible work health plan and even then, once he is so sick he can't work, the COBRA payments would likely be sky high.

This is your moment to move and move quickly. In situations like this divorce and separation of assets can save them from future loss to hospitals and Medicaid. 

You need to sit down with a lawyer and figure out how the family assets can be protected to provide a financial future for your children's needs.

Don't do the Tammy Wynette, "Stand by your man." thing. He has done you wrong and your children wrong. You can still still be friends, you can still visit him in the hospital and be at his bedside when he dies, but protect your children from financial ruin. He has and is still capable of doing very self-destructive things. You can't allow those self-destructive impulses to drag you and your children down. 

Once you have talked to an attorney (one skilled in Elder Law--they understand how to protect assets for the surviving spouse from medical costs at the end of life of a terminal spouse), you can explain to him what you are doing and why. If he has any shread of decency and/or love for his children he will appreciate what you are doing to protect their financial future.

When he says he may not be gay, he may be right, he might be bisexual. If he has full blown HIV/AIDS, it really doesn't matter. It really doesn't matter if he was a victim of sexual abuse, gay, bisexual or stupid. 

Base on what he has done, I would take whatever he tells you with a grain of salt. You can still show him love and compassion. You can still make sure his is part of your children life for as long as he lives. You can still smile about and enjoy some of the good times you shared together as husband and wife. 

You have every right to be upset, angry, etc. I would suggest you find an HIV support group for family members and see if they also allow children as you daughters will have a lot to work through emotionally. This is probably a man they idolized, who now has clay feet and who made them believe a lie. Without help, it is likely to change their entire perspective on men and marriage.

Good luck. Stay focused on your future and that of your children.


----------



## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

nonny

Just curious. What does your H want of you? From you?

How old are you both?

HM


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I know of two people who became HIV positive. Neither were gay, but caught it from infected blood before the problem became more widely known about.

Just because he is gay or bi does not automatically mean he caught it from sexual activity.

Did he have an operation that required a blood transfusion or treatment from -for example- a dentist who was HIV positive?


----------



## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Young at heart, gave you great advice take it. Your husband is going to become very bitter and blame you for everything under the sun. Secure yourself and dtrs future, this has to become your #1 priority. Do not believe anything he tells you, you have no fault here. Take care of yourself and kids. Its been 10 years for my bf and sometimes out of the blue, she would say, A I am so lucky.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> ....Your husband is going to become very bitter and blame you for everything under the sun. Secure yourself and dtrs future, this has to become your #1 priority. Do not believe anything he tells you, you have no fault here. Take care of yourself and kids. Its been 10 years for my bf and sometimes out of the blue, she would say, A I am so lucky.


A great point about being bitter. 

For the OP;

There is a greiving process associated with death and dying. You will even feel grief over your loss of a "good marriage."

Typically the 5 stages are 

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

You and your H are going to have to work through these stages, each in your own way. OP; get yourself a book on the stages of grief and then share it with him and yyour daughters after you have read and understood what those stages really entail.

Good luck


----------

