# Just separated



## Britishguy

Hi all. Firstly, I'm a newb, so go easy. 
I'm also from England and it looks like an American site. We all have the same emotional feelings though, so I'm sure our interactions will be relevant.

My wife of 3 years sat up in bed 2 sundays ago and started crying and told me she "couldn't do this anymore". Apparently she no longer loves me and that's that. We have a wonderful 2 year old daughter who I adore. I did everything for her and I just know she'll be really fretting about it. 
I've read about doing a 180 and I've read though a few threads. I just wanted to say that this place has improved my mood no end, so thank you all for that.

I do want to reconcile with her because we hardly ever argued and constantly made each other laugh. It has just come to a head after a holiday to Cuba a few months back. Our daughter got chicken pox and wasn't allowed to fly back. The insurance would only pay for one parent and my wife insisted it was her. I had to leave. She said she just can't forgive me for it, and I should have refused to go. 
I've done the whole pathetic act of begging, promising to be different, etc etc... 

I'm sure she still loves me, deep down, I'm just finding this all really hard.

EDIT: I also need a bit of help with some abbreviations I've seen. What are;

WW
WF
MLC
??


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## This is me

WW = Wayward
Not sure about WF
MLC = Mid-life Crisis

The begging promising response is always a negative. May be sincere, but will make you look less attractive which is just the opposite of how relationships strengthen.

You can't change the past, only improve the future. Can you get into MC =Marriage Counselling with a Pro-Marriage counselor? Or some marriage workshop?

The book Divorce Remedy helped me a ton. Became my bible.

Be patient and give her space. 180 is good for you.


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## Britishguy

It was WH, actually. Wayward Husband?
Cheers. 
I suggested counselling, but she didn't think it would change anything. She seemed to come round to the idea, but found out i was out getting pissed with my mate and changed her mind! 
I'm booked in for counselling on my own and I'm looking forward to that, strangely. 

I'll look that book up. Thanks pal.


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## Jane_Doe

Hate to be the one to ask, but is she seeing anyone else?


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## DavidWYoung

There is something else going on, three years married and a two year child, something is not right. You might want to get a VAR (Voice Activated Recorder) and see what she is saying to her friends and not to you.


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## Britishguy

That was my initial thought and I put it to her. She denies it and for what it's worth I believe her.


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## Britishguy

Feeling bad now. I said I'd sign the house over to her (no equity in it) and she's set the wheels in motion for that. I'm just absolutely gutted. I thought she'd be coming to her sense by now, but she doesn't seem to be at all. Had to see her last night as I had the baby to drop off. It killed me to see her but I was 180 all the way. She made sure she looked nice for my visit, she would normally come home and put her comfy stuff on, but she made an effort last night. Not so that you'd think she was going out on the town - she tried to make it look normal. 
I'm struggling. Need some supportive posts, please.


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## Jane_Doe

This sounds like an awful situation to be in, especially with such a young child in the situation. I'm glad you're doing the 180, I've read about it doing wonders around here (though I hope my H never finds out about it).

Is there anything else you're doing, purely for yourself? A hobby or anything? It'll take time for you to settle back down, especially if it seems like the rug has just been pulled out from under you, so throwing yourself into something that takes concentration could be a way to stop yourself analysing everything she does, says, wears, etc.


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## Bottle

BG, it's still very early days.... Be patient. Try your hardest to give her space if that's what she wants.

Don't beat yourself up about the holiday situation. To end a marriage over that alone would be insanity.

You say you didn't argue much.... Good relationships need some healthy arguing, so perhaps she sees you more as a room mate/friend at the minute?

You have a daughter together so there's history and she binds you together.

It would be good to know if you had any other issues that might've contributed to this?

My wife left 4.5 months ago and says its over for good. Similar stuff around not in love with me anymore,MIT I'm being patient and not giving up.

Make the changes you want to for yourself and she might take notice. She hasn't had enough time to miss you yet either. Believe that she will.


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## Britishguy

Bottle said:


> BG, it's still very early days.... Be patient. Try your hardest to give her space if that's what she wants.
> 
> Don't beat yourself up about the holiday situation. To end a marriage over that alone would be insanity.
> 
> You say you didn't argue much.... Good relationships need some healthy arguing, so perhaps she sees you more as a room mate/friend at the minute?
> 
> You have a daughter together so there's history and she binds you together.
> 
> It would be good to know if you had any other issues that might've contributed to this?
> 
> My wife left 4.5 months ago and says its over for good. Similar stuff around not in love with me anymore,MIT I'm being patient and not giving up.
> 
> Make the changes you want to for yourself and she might take notice. She hasn't had enough time to miss you yet either. Believe that she will.


Thanks for replies. It gets worse. Until it does get signed over i'm having to move back. I can't afford rent on a place and half the mortgage. It'll take until January, apparently. I really don't know how i'll cope. She's already telling me not to get my hopes up because it's definitely only a temporary arrangement. I feel sick. This is going to be impossible. :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottle

Britishguy said:


> Thanks for replies. It gets worse. Until it does get signed over i'm having to move back. I can't afford rent on a place and half the mortgage. It'll take until January, apparently. I really don't know how i'll cope. She's already telling me not to get my hopes up because it's definitely only a temporary arrangement. I feel sick. This is going to be impossible. :-(
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you move somewhere else? Parents, friends?

No good living together now, will make it worse.


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## Britishguy

Bottle said:


> Can you move somewhere else? Parents, friends?
> 
> No good living together now, will make it worse.


I wish there was. How the hell am I supposed to be 180 when I live with her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bottle

Britishguy said:


> I wish there was. How the hell am I supposed to be 180 when I live with her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can do the 180 still living with her. No doubt it will be hard, but worth the shot.

Wish I would've done it sooner. I would be in a better place now if I had've.


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## This is me

Britishguy said:


> That was my initial thought and I put it to her. She denies it and for what it's worth I believe her.


Cheaters will never tell the truth.

Still worth doing a little snooping, and come here for advice before acting if you do find someone else has got her in an EA or PA.


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## This is me

Britishguy said:


> It was WH, actually. Wayward Husband?
> Cheers.
> I suggested counselling, but she didn't think it would change anything. She seemed to come round to the idea, but found out i was out getting pissed with my mate and changed her mind!
> I'm booked in for counselling on my own and I'm looking forward to that, strangely.
> 
> I'll look that book up. Thanks pal.


Your British English is a bit foreign to this yank, so not sure I understand. 

If she was willing to do MC, you should be as accomidating as possible to make this happen. A marriage Doctor can help an ill marriage.

Agree to see someone that you both can agree to work with, get recommendations and interview one that you are both comfortable letting into your marriage.


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## blindsidedwife

Firstly, sorry you are here.

The Cuba thing seems like an excuse to me, it's just not a credible reason for wanting to end a marriage without trying to fix it? Were there other problems in your marriage, did you know she was unhappy?

Does your wife work? It's possible she is having at the very least an EA. 

I am in a similar situation, married 5 years, 3yo son. Husband gaslighted me for 3 months until I discovered his EA/PA. Did not suspect him one little bit, doh!

We continued living together for 6 weeks post d-day and it was very hard. He was still maintaining a relationship with the OW. We've been separated 3 weeks now, nothing has changed, but it's so much easier not having to live together.

I'd recommend that you do anything you can to avoid that situation unless she is telling you she wants to reconcile.

She changed her mind about counselling because you went out drinking with a friend? WTF? Why does she have a problem with you going out while you are separated?


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## that_girl

There's no one else?

I doubt that.


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## Britishguy

Hi all.
As ever, thank you for the replies. loads to update on!
No longer have to move back as we came to an agreement over money, so that was good. I've been over twice over the weekend and it was amazing. I said I'd take our little girl out so she could revise (work exams) and SHE started crying while i was there. She asked for a hug and it lasted about 5 mins. I tried to end the hug a couple of times but she was squeezing for dear life! It happened again on Sunday and there was even a little kissing. She says she does still love me and text messages back and forth have been lovely. I'm keeping hard-nosed about it, though and I'm not asking her for any reconciliation - that has to come from her. She has agreed to come to counselling, so it's a massive leap forward. I can see light at the end of the tunnel!!


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## Tinkerbell24

I'm British too so I understand our terms LOL. All that aside I left my husband last year and we also have a baby. We are in the process of reconciling, he's due back in the country in 5 weeks so I'm hoping we can make it work this time. We broke up because our baby was born prematurely and that was hell on our relationship. I must admit, I believed I was no longer in love with my husband (now I know that was the trauma talking) but the best thing for us has been him going away. We are FINALLY communicating. It's been 15 months but I believe we are both ready to try now. So don't give up hope, it can take ages to reconcile and sometimes **** needs to fall apart before it can come back together.


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## Britishguy

Tinkerbell24 said:


> I'm British too so I understand our terms LOL. All that aside I left my husband last year and we also have a baby. We are in the process of reconciling, he's due back in the country in 5 weeks so I'm hoping we can make it work this time. We broke up because our baby was born prematurely and that was hell on our relationship. I must admit, I believed I was no longer in love with my husband (now I know that was the trauma talking) but the best thing for us has been him going away. We are FINALLY communicating. It's been 15 months but I believe we are both ready to try now. So don't give up hope, it can take ages to reconcile and sometimes **** needs to fall apart before it can come back together.


Thanks Tinkerbell 
So glad to hear you're reconciling. Too many marriages fall apart without any effort to save them, these days. Last night My wife told me she loves me again. things are moving forward, albeit slaowly. We're both taking our daughter out trick or treating on Wednesday and I'm staying over there on Saturday (seperate beds) as it's her birthday (the wife's).


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## Michael A. Brown

There are so many couples who are becoming separated due to several problems.


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