# Dont know what to do



## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

i caught my ww a week ago talking to someone on facebook. she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my. we have 2 kids and a house and she dont care about nuthing but that man on facebook


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

Kapla| said:


> i caught my ww a week ago talking to someone on facebook. she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my. we have 2 kids and a house and she dont care about nuthing but that man on facebook


Jeez, she's in deep with this guy. Serious Emotional Affair going on, by the looks of it! Does she know this guy? Have they met? Has it gone physical?

I don't know any of your background. I don't know what kind of a relationship you two have but, if this has come totally out of the blue, I'd tell her to quit all contact with the Other Man or else you'll pack her bags and kick her ass out the door and pay for the taxi to take her to the OM's house.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Then tell her goodby and let her have him.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

lol, giving someone else control over her feelings.
MAKE her fall in love with you?
While she continues to keep in touch with another man, stacking the deck.
How ridiculous is that?
Let her leave!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Please get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass right away. It will help you understand the power of the infatuation she is in.

One week will not turn her around if she is infatuated.

The other books you need are
No More Mr. Nic Guy and
Married Man Sex Life

You will have to exercise 'tough love' to get her head out of the fantasy and back to reality.

Does she work?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Tell her that a cheating wife is not worthy of being fought over and that the OM can have her with your blessings.


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## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

it has not gotten physical and she does havea job but i pay most of the bills. the house comes from her family and all my family live in germany. i really cant leave or cant make her leave.

as tough love how do i do that


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Your wifes rationale is quiet unique, one that I wouldnt wish upon anyone. Straighten her level of think out by telling her to leave NOW, and that she has 1 week to try and win you back.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

It's not hard to make her leave, she said she'll leave if you don't meet her ultimatum, remember?

Call her on it. Tell her that fighting for someone who despises you sounds like too much work.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

expose her testimony to her family, let them understand what type of daughter they raised. Who is the house name under, your wife, you and your wife, or your step parents?


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## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

the home is being paid for but the land is in her aunts name


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Retain a divorce attorney so that he/she can start the paperwork for the filing of divorce. Find an apartment big enough for you and the kids. Once you have one, you and the kids leave her alone and have her served with divorce papers.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

As long as you say you "can't leave" she is going to pull these kind of stunts. Because she can. You can do the unexpected by leaving. Let the dust settle where it may.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You can download the book Not Just Friends. You must educate yourself about emotional affairs.

Do not leave the house, obviously. Is there a mortgage on the house? Is your name on that? Or are you paying for it?

How did you two meet, what are your ages and dating history?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

Humble Pie said:


> expose her testimony to her family, let them understand what type of daughter they raised. Who is the house name under, your wife, you and your wife, or your step parents?


Good idea. I would do this in a way of asking for help from them, and avoid any indication that you are angry, aggressive etc. Ask for help as a concerned father and man in love.

Take her away for the weekend, to a hotel or somewhere away from the normal environment e.g. computers/facebook ideally. (Hard if she has a phone). Try to romance her in the evenings. Go for walk with her somewhere private and hold her hand. Don't get angry, ask her to explain in a loving way.

If that doesn't work, then follow the others advice above and make sure you stay in the house with the children. Make notes of everything for legal reasons, all events, try to get a copy of emails/Facebook whatever in case it comes down to law and money at the end of the day.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

They have 2 kids, he isn't going to abandon them. Let's be realistic about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> the home is being paid for but the land is in her aunts name


Is being paid for... by who? Since it is in her aunts name, you might be able to stay in the home and request that she leave (given you talk to your aunt about her recent behaviors) Or, just move out with your kids and let her face reality. That is tough love.


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## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

i pay for the home and for her car. i have no family in this country for me to go and spend some time with. my sisters live in germany.
i have already told her grandma and one of her freinds and she says that they just dont love her and that she hates them for telling her to stop. her mother supports the behavior and her dad hasnt said anything


thank you all for all your advice.

we have been together for 8 years and married for six


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> i pay for the home and for her car. i have no family in this country for me to go and spend some time with. my sisters live in germany.
> i have already told her grandma and one of her freinds and she says that they just dont love her and that she hates them for telling her to stop. her mother supports the behavior and her dad hasnt said anything


I am sorry you have been put in this terrible, selfish situation away from your home country. 

You are clearly being taken advantage of here. Best thing since some of her family are not against her behavior (shocking!) is to calmly expose this situation to all members, saying you guys relationship has come to this.. (situation) and that you feel her time is too much invested in this facebook relationship and inform them you are leaving and taking the children with you (rent an apartment somewhere). 

I think she has been taking advantage of you for too long for her to say such things, you must start to stand up for yourself, stop this type of behavior she is showing you!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

There is a book about abusive relationships. It details how to confront abuse. Maybe that would help. I forget what the book is but maybe others would know. 

So, supposing that she doesn't allow herself to be won back by you. What is she going to do? Maybe you could ask her. What is the plan of action if you fail? So that you know what to expect?

Then she will see that instead of getting upset, which is probably what she is ultimately trying to do, unseat you emotionally, you are taking her at face value. You can explain to her that while you certainly love her and will attempt to demonstrate that a bit more, that ultimately she is in control of her own feelings, and that you want to be prepared for either outcome. You might also ask if she feels that in future she might have a repeat of her falling out of love with you, and suggest that you will take the time to prepare contingency plans for the case where you will fail to woo her back. Ask he how she imagines the child custody and support, etc. will work out. Take notes and pay attention. 

She needs to learn that even if she ends up with this other guy, she is going to have responsibilities to you, even though she is no longer in love with you, so long as you have children together.

Maybe she will find it's easier to love her husband rather than deal with all the unpleasant paperwork and contingency planning involved with having an affair, whether it's physical or emotional. Having an affair is hard work. Now she has to answer to two men, one the father of her children, and the other, her lover or intended lover. How boring and tedious is that!


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

myself, i would tell her to take her week and shove it where the sun don't shine,that you will not operate under threats and she's either in or out.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> i caught my ww a week ago talking to someone on facebook. she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my. we have 2 kids and a house and she dont care about nuthing but that man on facebook




I doubt very much that you can get her to " fall back in love with you."
she has shown absolutely no respect for you , by giving you that CRAZY response to your concern.

If it were me ,I would simply tell her that I don't need one week ,and show her the door.
But I see your situation is tricky because of home ownership etc. Maybe,the best thing might be to take your kids and leave. STOP paying for the house and her car.
Start afresh.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Kapla| said:


> she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my.


That's just ridiculous. Do you have serious marriage problems or something?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Can you get the aunt on your side so you don't have to worry about the house for now?

You two didn't meet over the Internet, did you?

Here is what I would do:
--get the books I mentioned, read them quickly to get up to speed, esp NJF and NMMNG
--meet with a lawyer to get an idea of your rights regarding the property and custody of the kids; if they have passports, secure them safely now;
--sit her down calmly and say, we are married, I love you, I vowed to be faithful
--you have betrayed our marriage by becoming emotionally close to someone else
--if you feel there are things we can improve in our marriage, such as communication, I will gladly go to counseling, BUT
--I am not the one who must compete for my wife
--you (wife) must choose NOW between him and me
--you (wife) must write a letter of No Contact to this man (forms are on this forum); we cannot improve our marriage with 3 people in it

All of this is said calmly, no emotion. No begging or pleading or weakness. If you are concerned she is turning away from you due to lack of emotional warmth, show her emotional warmth, but no crying.

If there are things you've done wrong, say you will work on changing them, but not if this man is in the picture. Say, it's not possible to devote the energy to two relationships, as long as you are with this other man you aren't sincere about staying married.

If she says no, cut off her cell phone service and the Internet, calmly tell her you cannot fund her destroying your children's lives with a stranger.

Then find out all you can about OM; tell his wife, GF, family; and find out if he has a criminal background, you do not want a strange man who finds married mothers attractive around your children
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

DanF said:


> Then tell her goodby and let her have him.


Exactly. If someone won't cut contact, show them the door. 

EAs are as difficult to get over as PAs.

And an EA/PA is one of the most difficult types of affairs to move past. 

Nip this in the bud before it turns into a PA as it most certainly eventually will.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

morituri said:


> Tell her that a cheating wife is not worthy of being fought over and that the OM can have her with your blessings.


Amen.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Help her pack her stuff.


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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

If you can, find out if the guy on Facebook is married. If he is, expose the affair to his wife.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> i caught my ww a week ago talking to someone on facebook. she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my. we have 2 kids and a house and she dont care about nuthing but that man on facebook


So you caught her cheating and she gives YOU an ultimatum? That's an incomprehensible situation for me. But MORE incomprehensible is the fact that you didn't answer something along the lines of: 

"i have no interest in the love of a w... that doesn't respect me. Expect to have divorce papers served. Oh, and do try to look less ugly when my dates arrive. It reflects poorly on me to have been shagging such a porker".


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Keylog the PC and save the evidence. Find out wheter OM is married or has GF/SO and *expose* him.
Talk to a lawyer, learn what your rights are. Follow the advice to a T as if you were to file inmediately.
Your wife is in lalaland, the entitlement your wife is showing has put you in a defensive, panic mode. Don't let your wife in any way, shape or form you feel treatened by this. Stay cool and firm. Shake it inmediately. This situation needs huge doses of tough love. 
Expose her to all relevant people. If she didn't send a NC letter and totaly cease contact with this OM tell her she has to go, then pack her stuff and tell her go to OM, she's more than free. You are not keeping a woman who don't love you, you are not doing anything if she didn't stop cheating. It's self respect.
Shake her world to the core.

Don't let fear rule your life. 
Implement the 180:
The 180 degree rules

Hang tough, man.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Stop paying internet.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> the home is being paid for but the land is in her aunts name


Your being played for an idiot K. I don't know how much you know about U.S. law, but if the aunt owns the land, she owns the home that sit on it. (unless you want to pick it up and move it) Besides, when they are on the computer with another guy, it means they don't love you.


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## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

i just told her family and the told her now she really is pissed off. she is raising all kinds of bad words. threatning d


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

She is mad at you, this means you did something right. Something she did not anticipate, something outside of her control.

If she threatens divorce, agree to it. If she was serious, she would have filed long ago. She uses the D card to make you back down and assume control over the situation again.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

K, you need to see a lawyer no matter what because you want to protect your rights to see your children, and your property and money, etc. So go see one as soon as you can. Tomorrow if possible.

Research the other man--who is he? Married, maybe a criminal, or maybe someone with standing in his community who is just playing games, or a young boy living in his parent's basement. Find out.

Your wife threatened D; so what happened? Did you move out or change your course? No, because a threat of D doesn't do much. A threat of D will not do much to her either, but actually filing D can be a wakeup call. Visit the website divorcedad I think it is called to protect yourself. Realize that a divorce can be slowed down or stopped if things change.

Consider getting a voice activated recorder (VAR) and wear it, she might threaten you. Or if she hits you, call the police, you do not want to get arrested for abuse, and she may try to pick a fight to provoke you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kapla| (Jul 4, 2012)

she just droped the kids of at her grandmas house and wont come home she says she need time to think. is that a good or bad thing right now


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> she just droped the kids of at her grandmas house and wont come home she says she need time to think. is that a good or bad thing right now


Depends... But why are you still hanging on what she is doing and/or thinking? Aren't you supposed to be thinking about what you want to do with all this? Or is she going to make a decision for you?

Man, you really need to start taking control of your own life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> i caught my ww a week ago talking to someone on facebook. she says that if she has to stop talking to him that she would leave *and that i have a week to get her to fall back in love with my*. we have 2 kids and a house and she dont care about nuthing but that man on facebook


Oh, YOU have to put right her mistake, do you? How does she work that out?:scratchhead:


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Read carefully iheartlife's posts.
Ignore completely her anger. All cheaters are angry when they are busted. Your wife is in fantasy land, she believes she's at charge of everything becuase she believes you are scared, she's operating with an addict brain. Just ignore her rants, don't react. Cool as cucumber. Rob her the power she believes posess, don't agree to any se3lfish demands; she's not a catch, she's a cheater.
Make your demands, be firm and calm. 
Demand NOW a decision, to be seal,ed wuith the NC letter, total transparence and a full disclosure, if she refuses or procaniste you start detaching and proceed with the divorce. She already chose.
Lawyer up anyway, keylog the PC anyway.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man up, the only thing your wife will respect is tough love and a confident man.
Its a good thing thats she's angry, it means you are making the affair more difficult to continue.

Now the boyfriend has to deal with a pissed off girlfriend who's husband stopped tolorated sharing his wife. Good job!


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Keep searching whther OM has a wife/GF. Out him!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> she just droped the kids of at her grandmas house and wont come home she says she need time to think. is that a good or bad thing right now


Usually "time to think"= time to deepen the affair.

I am concerned about her taking the kids away; will they cut off access from you? Please see a lawyer. Please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

Kapla| said:


> and wont come home she says she need time to think. is that a good or bad thing right now


The good part--she won't come home.

The bad part--you live on her aunts land.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

she is mad because you are finally standing up for yourself!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

Next thing you do Kapal is go get your car back you pay for, let her walk or take the bus to where she needs to go


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

Why do you need to follow her timeline???
She's in the wrong and you go by _her_ rules?
I wonder how old your wife is...


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