# When to file



## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

When should -- and who should file for the divorce? Does it matter?


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Depends on the situation. Is there a affair going on and who wants it?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

More details please.


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

I will give you the cliff notes version.
Married 15 years. Not many complaints - pretty "good" marriage. No infidelity. My main issue in our marriage has been me wanting more sex, and watching how she spoke to me. Last August, it came to a head and I let her know that she rides me to much on the little things, she's way to condescending and it needs to stop. I got fed up with her stuff and withdrew to my theatre on most nights. She was always tired and irritable about life and her job (my daughter asked me in June, "why does mom always act different around my friends - upbeat and happy - but she is always tired and upset when people are not around) where she makes a boat load of money working from home (she out earns me considerably and has complained about me making more money). My schedule allows me flexibility to get the kids and spend time with them. I coach both kids athletic teams and I am VERY involved in their lives. As I withdrew she began to think I was seeing someone else. She felt that I was staying at work to much on the days I work (I only make about 85 - 90k). But before, she complained that I didn't work enough.
She got sick, came home from a stay in the ER and accused me of having an affair and named the woman. I tried to keep from laughing at her cause I could see that she was serious. She move her mom in the house cause she was afraid - I never touched her or yelled at her. 
She took the kids away one night and it took my lawyer calling her mom to find out where the kids where and threatened to call the police
FAST Forward 6 months of counseling no real progress - she moved out cause she needs healing. I love her - but I am tired of the BS. I don't want a divorce - but she says "she loves me" but doesn't know if she is in love with me. She needs time away - how much - she doesn't know. So what do we do in next counseling session & when is it over.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

When infidelity is not involved in a downward spiraling marriage I'd say your chances are a lot better for a reconciliation. However, that's something that both parties must want and commit to. Divorce is not a fix for anything. As bad as my marriage became, divorce has been much harder. Therefore, I would throughly exhaust all avenues before throwing in the towel. If you do decide to go the divorce route, it really doesn't matter who files first.

If you haven't already read _The Five Languages_ by Gary Chapman, you may want to do so. The book addresses a lot of the scenario you have described. The book was dead on in my situation. After 20 years of marriage I felt so unloved by my husband that I became resentful towards him. In addition, I became so stressed and overwhelmed by life in general. And then that's when the anger, bitterness, depression, and emotional detachment began to play a role in our relationship. I can see where this may be the problem in your marriage as well. If that's the case, your wife will probably respond better to individual therapy.

I wish you the best and hope that divorce isn't inevitable.


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

THX 827AUG.
She is in individual counseling and I started about 3 weeks ago. I don't know if hers is working, but I hope we can work it out.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

WTSM said:


> When should -- and who should file for the divorce? Does it matter?


Yes it matters. Neither of you should be filing anything, especially not with kids watching. As 827Aug says, divorce is not a solution. It is a last resort in situations that involve criminal activity, addictions, physical abuse, alcoholism, (true) mental instability and the like. Getting along in a long term intimate relationship doesn't come naturally to most people. If you and your wife didn't have a lot of help from your respective parents when you were children, you both probably have a lot to learn. It's never too late to start trying to get along, the best time is now.


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