# Who is this person that I married? (Long Story)



## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Let me provide some background to my story. Known STBXH for 12yrs and together for 9 yrs (dated for 2yrs and married for 7 yrs). There have been a lot of emotional abuse which I realized recently.

D-Day: My co-worker saw STBXH with a lady and the interaction was strange. I asked him about it and he replied that she was just his workout partner. I let it go. 

That evening, he sat me down and told me he wanted to end the marriage. As for the reasons, he stated he been unhappy for the last 5 years, how he gained weight because I made him so unhappy that he no longer care about himself, and how he was drinking himself to death because of me. I asked him if this was all because of his workout partner. He looked me straight into my eyes and said he will never disrespect me like that. I believed him and just thought I was a horrible wife. I was devasted and packed my bags to stay at my sister's house that night as I just could not be in the same house with him. He moved out the next day.

After he moved out, I found out that he was cheating by looking at our cell phone bills. I realized he lied to me and he did in fact cheated on me. I filed for divorce soon after stating adultery was the reason for the divorce. He countered my petition with I am guilty of cruel treatment towards him. I was so shocked that he could allow this to be said about me. 7 yrs and all I got back was cruel treatment. 

Since then, I just keep on uncovering more and more lies. During the discovery process, I found out that he have been buying this workout partner gifts even while he was at home. A wallet that cost over $500. Then, I discovered he have been financially dishonest with me from the beginning of our marriage. I also found evidence of him paying for someone's utility bill once which was 2 years ago. I dealt with those emotions and was on my way to recovery.

This pass weekend I was organizing some boxes that have not been unpacked since our move. I uncovered more lies. I found a community college diploma but he always told me he went to a 4 yr college. I can only assume this was a lie as well as there is no 4 yr college diploma to be located (he is a pack rat). I also located an emergency travel kit that is provided by our company for traveling to 3rd world countries. As soon as I unzipped it, 3 condoms dropped out.

Now I am just sitting here in shock. I cannot stop thinking what else he lied about. How do I get over this? How could I have been so naive that I lived in all these lies and knew nothing about it? How can I ever trust anyone again? How can I ever trust my judgement of people again?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Its over, and difficult as it may, forget about it.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Alpha said:


> Its over, and difficult as it may, forget about it.


I understand that I need to let it all go. What is making it difficult is there are still stuff I need to go through to completely separate his stuff from mine and I just keep uncovering more lies. I get better and then take a step back. It is just so fustrating. I wish he could have moved all his stuff when he left so I do not have to deal with it now.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Funny just how much comes to surface after the relationship is over. I found out some shocking things after our separation. I'm not a stupid person but I was blinded by the relationship. 

All I can say is use what you come across as just that much more of a reason to move on. That's what I have been doing. It hurts. It really does but you have to try and figure out how to turn negatives into positives at this point or you will destroy yourself. 

Box his sh$t up and move it to storage. Go NC. Resist the urge to question him about things that are revealed. You will NEVER get the truth. At this point - DO YOU WANT THE TRUTH? It will only hurt you more and you don't deserve that.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

ICLH - I have been doing NC for months already and do not plan to break it. I am so scare to box all his stuff up right now. The fear is that I will uncover more lies. Any new stuff I uncovered just bring me back to the trama stage again and again.


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## ICLH (Dec 26, 2013)

Good for you on the NC. I understand your fear. I downloaded a voice activated recorder on my phone while I was still living in the home. A couple weeks later I decided to see what I had captured on the recordings. I was literally shaking in fear when the first recording started to play. I couldn't listen any further. I was in fear of reliving the pain his words put me through. 

Can you have a friend or family member box up his things for you?


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I dont think anyone can help me on it because they wont be able to separate the stuff. I will just have to tough it out and get it done.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

I'm sorry you're here. This is a good place to learn and grow. 

So he moved out, right? Why are you packing or unpacking anything? It's his stuff, right???? If he wants it he'll come back. 

If it's a matter of you identifying and separating your stuff from his, then go ahead. Just don't allow curiosity to pull you in; if you start snooping in his stuff you might uncover more lies and get hurt again. You don't need that and you already know enough. You know how and what, why doesn't matter. 

Be strong and take the initiative if you haven't already. Go file for divorce. If thats what you want. 

What do you want?


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Pictureless - I have filed for divorce already; however, he is contesting it. 

I wanted to organize things because he left a lot of boxes in a living space upstairs and I am just so tired of looking at the mess. I am trying my best not to dig through those boxes but he did not organize it when packing so some of my stuff are in it. Like you said, uncovering more lies is just not good for me so I have not been snooping but still these lies just keep on pouring out.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

gigi888 said:


> Pictureless - I have filed for divorce already; however, he is contesting it.
> 
> I wanted to organize things because he left a lot of boxes in a living space upstairs and I am just so tired of looking at the mess. I am trying my best not to dig through those boxes but he did not organize it when packing so some of my stuff are in it. Like you said, uncovering more lies is just not good for me so I have not been snooping but still these lies just keep on pouring out.


You filed for divorce. Ok. Is that what you want? You want him out of your life?


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

If you asked me the day he left, I would have said I wanted to stay married with him. I actually asked him if we can work on our marriage on d-day but he said no. When I found the cell phone record, I just knew he lied to me. That is when I saw what he is capable of. He can look straight into my eye and lie with no effort. This is when I decided to file for divorce.

There are days that I do miss the him, the one I thought I was married to. Since that person is a fake, I do not want him in my life anymore. It is just hard to believe that there are people around me that can be so deceiving.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

It sucks that there are deceiving people in the world. But there are so believe it. Once the hurts passes, and it will, you will understand how blessed and lucky you are for all that you have now. It's not about him anymore, it's about you.

You are worthy. You cannot control his emotions or behaviors. You can control yours. Learn from your sorrow and grow. F him! 

Houston is a great city, you will have a wonderful life if you want it.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Pictureless - Yes, I am already glad that I am one foot out but I just dont want to accidentally come across any more lies. It just keep pulling me back which is so fustrating.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

one more thing to add....thanks for the support! I am doing a lot better today.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

So happy today!!!! I finally completely boxed up all his crap! Now I dont have to deal with accidentally openning something and find out more lies from this person. It feel so good that I finally got it done.

:smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gigi,

Are you in counseling?


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Yes, I am in counseling. I know I cannot sort through this by myself. I am still trying my best to not to be so harsh to myself. For some reason, there is still a little part of me that believe I am that horrible person that he told me I am. There are days that I just feel stupid for believing 100% in him, but those days are less and less.

I don't think most people understand how bad the damage was on my self-esteem. At one point, I will tell anyone that I am a horrible wife and I will argue with those that tries to convience me otherwise. After 3 months of counceling, I no longer believe in that anymore but still sorting through the rest.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

gigi - Cheaters will always make it about themselves and put the BS down. It is classic. From what I observed from this and many other sites, the cheater feels terrible about themselves and PROJECTS venom and hate to the BS. They think that if the BS was gone their life would be ideal. BS does not do anything right. I was told I was a drunk, lazy, fat, horrible wife for cooking pasta while he had diabetes and horrible mother. None of this was true. 

I discovered phone records from tramps while we were on vacation, during school performances and the night of my 50th birthday when he never showed up for dinner and made some lame excuse. Finding more evidence is VERY hurtful but I needed to find out everything for myself to have peace. I was determined. 

Hurt like hell but also was good for me to help detach. 

Good luck with your divorce!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Run, don't walk to a reputable lawyer! Time to give that SOB the air!

Trust me! Your H is not Beldar Conehead and using those condoms for chewing gum! Cut your loses, Sweetheart!*


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

I don't want anything to do with him and wish he can make the divorce easier so I can get rid of him forever (no kids). 

The hardest part about this is healing myself. Out of no where, image of what he have put to me through will surface and I have to actively fight it off. I will even walk up in the middle of the night sweating if any part of my dream have him in it. The first month of him I could not even sleep because was so scared that he will come back and hurt me. I have read that this could be PTSD.

The good thing is it is getting less and less as each day passes (almost 4 month of NC). I am a strong person so I know I will become a better and wiser person at the end of the tunnel. Just wish there is a short cut to it.


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## Pictureless (May 21, 2013)

Give it time. It seems to me that the spouse who has been wronged is the one that hurts the most. You can safely bet that he is feeling something too and I doubt it's joy and happiness.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Also remember that his tramp thinks she's getting a prize, but you know what kind of loser pos she's really getting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gigi888 said:


> Yes, I am in counseling. I know I cannot sort through this by myself. I am still trying my best to not to be so harsh to myself. For some reason, there is still a little part of me that believe I am that horrible person that he told me I am. There are days that I just feel stupid for believing 100% in him, but those days are less and less.
> 
> I don't think most people understand how bad the damage was on my self-esteem. At one point, I will tell anyone that I am a horrible wife and I will argue with those that tries to convience me otherwise. After 3 months of counceling, I no longer believe in that anymore but still sorting through the rest.


The damage has only been what you've allowed.

You're working on the process now of "un-allowing" it.


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

Conrad said:


> The damage has only been what you've allowed.
> 
> You're working on the process now of "un-allowing" it.



Conrad - Thanks for this! It is like a light bulb that just came on. "Un-allowing" what a great word. :smthumbup:


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## gigi888 (Oct 6, 2013)

This past weekend STBXH came to do an inventory of the house. I asked my family to help as I did not want to be around him. When he arrived, my sister told me that his sister-in-law was with him. I am really hurt by it as his sister-in-law have remained friend with me and she did not mention anything about it. She also told me in Dec. that she thought it was crazy that STBXH wanted to inventory the house but is now helping him. I again feel like I am being played.

Am I silly to think that I was still able to maintain relationship with the sister-in-law?


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