# I Am Living In A Nightmare Marriage. Need Serious Help



## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

My husband and I have been together since 2005, and we got married (only registered without the ceremony) in Jan 2011. I had arguments, fights like every couples. We had argument and fights on Skype when we're long distance. He has resentment for that. Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards. He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together, otherwise we have to be separated in 2 different countries for.......we didn't know for how long, could be years. He will dredge up the past every time we argue. When I just moved back here, I couldn't find a job. He complained either I couldn't find a job to contribute to the family, or I didn't start my own business. I found a position in clothing store, but he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store. 

Now I found a job at real estate agency, going to have my license soon. He complains that I work too much. He complains I only care about myself, my career, do not put enough attention on him. He asked me few times to quit my job and stay at home instead. I refused, of course, because he constantly saying that he pays for everything, he pays for the family. He said the money I make is like a joke. I feel I cannot depend on him, he is not reliable at all, because he is so moody. When we do argue, he says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.

He calls me names, wh*re, pure stupidity, idiot, my brain is full of sh*t, never met anyone so stupid like me, didn't know what stupidity is until he met me. His parent's maid who doesn't speak English and uneducated is smarter than me. He asked me to have my brain checked, because he thinks I am mentally deficient. He complains that I don't have thoughts. He complains I do not talk a lot when we hang out with his friends. He yells at me VERY LOUD as soon as I say something that doesn't match what he wants to hear. He yells at me as soon as I don't form grammatical sentences. English is my second language. I started learning English when I was 21. I had my bachelor degree in Accounting, second bachelor degree in Economic & International Development. I had MBA degree as well. He is 31 years old, he has not complete his bachelor degree yet. Well, he is very smart. He is straight As student. He has read many books on all different subjects. 

I feel being judged when we have different opinions. He thinks I am too simple. He implies I am not at his intelligent level. He said he is ashamed to have me when we hang out with his friends, because everything comes out of my mouth is idiotic. My opinions has no depth, too simple. Or my opinions just don't make any sense compare to his or his friends. He, basically, belittles me all the time.

When we fight and argue, he always tells me I should find some one from my level, we don't belong to each other, I don't care about him enough to change, I only care about myself and do whatever I want to do, I don't think anything and do anything to make him happy. He calls me selfish *****. I am wasting his time, his brain. Every time we argue, he will say he is going to divorce me, we are through. Eventually, I fed up with this. I agreed to file divorce. The next day, he initiated the conversation and started to manipulating me and blaming I caused all the problems and argument, but he will not divorce me because he is being nice and doesn't just want to leave me all alone in this country. He will say he will never divorce me and never leave me in the good days.

He will yell at me with nasty words, disgusting names, couldn't be meaner things with no respect at all. 

I am not living in a normal life. I don't understand why he behave like a person who has double personalities, a person who has some kind of mood/temper control disorder. 

I don't know what to do. I love him dearly, that's why I left my super comfortable, great life in my own country to be with him. But I certainly do not want to live my life this way. I don't want to have conversation with him, actually, don't really know what to say anymore, because I am afraid that I will say something stupid or has grammar errors. I am afraid my opinions are not intelligent enough. 

I completely lost my self confidence because of him constantly putting me down, blames me for everything, he is the Mr. Perfect, I am the pure stupidity, amazingly foolish. 

Is his behavior verbal abuse? Does he have double personalities? Does he have personality disorder? What is it ?


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## MW16584 (Dec 1, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> My husband and I have been together since 2005, and we got married (only registered without the ceremony) in Jan 2011. I had arguments, fights like every couples. We had argument and fights on Skype when we're long distance. He has resentment for that. Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards. He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together, otherwise we have to be separated in 2 different countries for.......we didn't know for how long, could be years. He will dredge up the past every time we argue. When I just moved back here, I couldn't find a job. He complained either I couldn't find a job to contribute to the family, or I didn't start my own business. I found a position in clothing store, but he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store.
> 
> Now I found a job at real estate agency, going to have my license soon. He complains that I work too much. He complains I only care about myself, my career, do not put enough attention on him. He asked me few times to quit my job and stay at home instead. I refused, of course, because he constantly saying that he pays for everything, he pays for the family. He said the money I make is like a joke. I feel I cannot depend on him, he is not reliable at all, because he is so moody. When we do argue, he says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.
> 
> ...


It is definitely verbal (and emotional) abuse. He sounds very controlling and manipulative. I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you find the strength to get out of your situation. If not get out of your situation, have him to agree to seek counseling. If you love him and if he loves you, then he will do whatever it takes to fix what is broken. I will say a little prayer for you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Leave him. He will not seek counseling until you do. I'm guessing you've told him 100 times how his behavior hurts, right? (I didn't read the whole post. I got the message about 1/2 way through). But he doesn't change does he. No abuser does until he see's concrete consequences for his behavior. He won't change until his world crashes. Crash his world.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

The thing is, he denies it's his problem. He said it is me, because of lack of consideration of me, because of I am immature, because of I am do not use my brain to make this marriage work, because of I do not listen to him, because I do not do what he asks me to do, because I am stupid, because I am selfish ***** who only think of myself, never consider him and us. It is all my fault to make him miserable, make this marriage became a nightmare. 
He does not think he has anything to do with it. He thinks he is perfect. He thinks he has done everything right, and being a super considerate husband.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Well, he's wrong. And there's only one way to show him he's wrong.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

No kids? Get out of this mess.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

What and how should I tell him to seek help? When I suggested him to see marriage counseling, and I told him the words he said hurts me tremendously, he told me to f* myself.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

7 and half relationship, less than 2 years of marriage. No kids.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> What and how should I tell him to seek help?


"I'm leaving you. Once you fix yourself, give me a call." Then leave. It's that simple (and hard).

I was an abusive husband. I knew I was an abusive husband and I NEVER did anything about it. There were NEVER any serious consequences for my actions. Then I found out that my wife checked out of my marriage because of it. I changed immediately (too late, she was already gone, never to come back).

You have to leave him. There's no other way. No kids? You have NO IDEA how lucky you are.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

He's an abuser. He claims you're an *******. I'm not really sure why leaving is such a hard option for you.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I'm in complete agreement with the others on this matter. Please do yourself a favor and get out of this marriage. Your husband is not only being disrespectful of you, he's very emotionally manipulative and controlling. From the behavior that you describe, things are not going to change unless you do something drastic. Be happy that there are not kids involved and start looking towards a new life without this person.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

another vote here for getting the hell away from this nasty piece of work like yesterday


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> I don't understand why he behave like a person who has double personalities. ...Does he have double personalities?


Pursuit, nobody on this forum can diagnose your H's issues. I can say, however, that the behaviors you describe are not consistent with the symptoms listed for multiple personality disorder (i.e., Dissociative PD), which is very rare. Rather, what you describe sounds much more like "black-white thinking," which is the type of all-or-nothing thinking commonly seen in people who have strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD).


> He says he loves me so much, would do anything for me, would take great care of me...... and the most horrible things will come out of his mouth when he is angry at me.


This behavior is a good example of black-white thinking. My BPDer exW did the same thing. It occurs because, when a person suffers strong NPD or BPD traits, he will be very uncomfortable with uncertainties, ambiguities, and grey areas. This behavior will be especially evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you never" and "you always." 

It also will be evident in the way a person categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" -- and, in only ten seconds, will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other based solely on a minor infraction or comment. With NPDers and BPDers (i.e., those having strong traits of NPD or BPD), you never know what small thing will trigger them into recategorizing you.


> Does he have personality disorder? What is it ?


Only a professional can determine whether his NPD or BPD traits are so severe as to satisfy 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full blown PD. Yet, it is important to keep in mind that NPD and BPD are "spectrum disorders," which means that we all have them to some degree. 

That is, every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all of the NPD and BPD traits, albeit at a low level if the person is emotionally healthy. Moreover, even when those traits fall well short of the diagnostic level for "having a PD," they can be sufficiently strong to undermine a marriage and destroy LTRs. 

Further, it is not difficult -- after you've been living with a man for 7 years -- to spot strong occurrences of those traits (i.e., the red flags) if you will take time to learn what warning signs you should be looking for. The red flags are not hard to spot because there is nothing subtle about PD traits such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, always being "Mr. Perfect," always being "The Victim," and black-white thinking.


> Is he a person who has some kind of mood/temper control disorder?


When drug abuse and hormone changes are not an issue, the two most common causes of mood and anger issues are bipolar disorder and BPD. As I explained, nobody on this forum can tell you whether he has a full-blown disorder. 

What I can say, however, is that the behaviors you describe are more consistent with the symptoms for BPD and NPD, not bipolar disorder. For a list of 12 differences between the classic traits of BPD and those of bipolar, see my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/anxiety-depression-relationships/59344-confused.html#post1175425.


> Ever since we got married, our situation started going downwards.


It is common, when one marries a person having strong NPD or BPD traits, for the courtship period to be wonderful and passionate and then -- shortly after the marriage ceremony is over -- for the relationship and great sex to go off a cliff.


> He didn't like the reason we got married, because that's the only way for us to be together.


If your H actually does exhibit strong NPD or BPD traits, your relationship was going over the cliff -- and his unhappiness was certain to return -- no matter WHAT you did or WHEN you held the wedding. Hence, if he hadn't blamed you for the circumstantial need to marry suddenly, he would have blamed you for one of a thousand other reasons.


> He will dredge up the past every time we argue.


This is called "kitchen sinking" because, while you are having an argument with him, he will complain about every past infraction or grievance against you, including the kitchen sink. When NPDers and BPDers are unhappy -- which they are much of the time -- they don't blame themselves. They will be convinced their spouse is to blame for their unhappiness because they believe they are "The Victim," always "The Victim." 

To "validate" that false self image, they will keep a meticulous mental record of every misdeed or mistake (real or imagined) that you ever did. And that full list will be pulled out in nearly every argument -- no matter how small and petty the issue -- so as to validate their victim status. The result is that, while you are attempting to have a rational discussion about one issue, they will pull out an entire list of grievances, falsely claiming that they are all related.


> he made me quit after few months, because he was ashamed of me working in a clothing store.


If he has strong NPD traits, he is very sensitive to appearances and how other people perceive him.


> He calls me names, wh*re, pure stupidity, idiot, my brain is full of sh*t, ...Is his behavior verbal abuse?


Does the sun rise in the East and set in the West?


> I completely lost my self confidence ... he is the Mr. Perfect, I am the pure stupidity, amazingly foolish.


If you are living with an NPDer or BPDer, consider yourself lucky if you are only feeling foolish and stupid. Living under those toxic circumstances is so utterly confusing and disorienting that it is common for the abused spouses to run to a therapist to find out if they are losing their minds. For that reason, therapists see far more abused spouses seeking therapy -- to find out if they are going crazy -- than they ever see of the NPDers and BPDers.


> I don't know what to do.


I join all the other respondents in recommending that you leave him because he is unwilling to confront his issues and learn how to manage them. You cannot fix him. I therefore suggest you walk away and focus on your own healing.

Yet, if you still are unable or unwilling to do that, I suggest you obtain more information so you can better understand that, by staying, you likely are harming him (through your enabling behaviors) as well as yourself. To that end, I join other members in suggesting that you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two by yourself -- to obtain a professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with.

I also suggest that, while you're waiting for an appointment, you read Kathy's overview of classic NPD traits at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It and my overview of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. If either of those descriptions rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, Pursuit.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Uptown's post spells it out very well. I agree with every word. 

You've married an abusive man who does not respect you, who feels entitled to dictate when and how you should work, and punishes you for doing exactly what he said. What do you honestly think will happen with someone like this?


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Uptown said:


> Pursuit, nobody on this forum can diagnose your H's issues. I can say, however, that the behaviors you describe are not consistent with the symptoms listed for multiple personality disorder (i.e., Dissociative PD), which is very rare. Rather, what you describe sounds much more like "black-white thinking," which is the type of all-or-nothing thinking commonly seen in people who have strong traits of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) or BPD (Borderline PD).This behavior is a good example of black-white thinking. My BPDer exW did the same thing. It occurs because, when a person suffers strong NPD or BPD traits, he will be very uncomfortable with uncertainties, ambiguities, and grey areas. This behavior will be especially evident in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you never" and "you always."
> 
> Thank you very much for this such informative, detailed post. I will read the articles you linked. I will also have to read this post one more time.
> I also thank everyone else to posted their opinions here to help me.
> ...


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

MrK said:


> He's an abuser. He claims you're an *******. I'm not really sure why leaving is such a hard option for you.


How did you realize that you're abusive, if you don't mind I ask? I wish my husband could even give a thought that maybe he needs to get checked, to talk to someone professional. 

Why leaving is such a hard option? We have been together for about 9 years. How could you leave a 9 years relationship easily? I wish I love him less, so I can just leave without looking back. 

How did you changed yourself? Do you think you can tell me the methods you used, so I can at least give a try to help my husband. He doesn't seem happy when he is in BPD mode.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you are in an abusive relationship and the only way things will get better is by you leaving. Here's a link that might be of use to you:- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships

The longer you are in this relationship, the more difficult it will be for you to leave.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> OP, you are in an abusive relationship and the only way things will get better is by you leaving. Here's a link that might be of use to you:- Domestic Violence and Abuse: Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships
> 
> The longer you are in this relationship, the more difficult it will be for you to leave.


Thanks for your post, Cosmos. 
I understand that I need and should leave at this point. Like MrK said I am so lucky that we have no children involved. It should be much easier for me to leave the marriage. However, 9 years relationship and the calm /nice /normal side of my husband make the leaving really hard.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

You are in an incredibly verbally and emotionally abusive marriage. To be honest, I don't think counseling will help.... Abuse is about maintaining power and control in a relationship, and it doesn't sound like he would give those things up. A true marriage is a partnership; yours is not. Seriously... Get out now. 

FTR... I was in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive marriage for 11 years. I left in April, and we are now getting divorced. You deserve to be loved properly and treated with respect. Please seek help... There should be an organization near you that can help. Stay strong; there is so much more out there for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Thanks for your post, Cosmos.
> I understand that I need and should leave at this point. Like MrK said I am so lucky that we have no children involved. It should be much easier for me to leave the marriage. However, 9 years relationship and the calm /nice /normal side of my husband make the leaving really hard.


I'm sure it must be hard to leave a 9 year relationship, OP... How far into the relationship was it before he started showing this side of himself? This sort of thing only tends to rear its ugly head when the abusive party feels comfortable enough to let it - which is around the time they've managed to isolate the other party from family and friends. His behaviour regarding your work is_ classic _isolation / control tactics.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> *The thing is, he denies it's his problem.* He said it is me, because of lack of consideration of me, because of I am immature, because of I am do not use my brain to make this marriage work, because of I do not listen to him, because I do not do what he asks me to do, because I am stupid, because I am selfish ***** who only think of myself, never consider him and us. It is all my fault to make him miserable, make this marriage became a nightmare.
> He does not think he has anything to do with it. He thinks he is perfect. He thinks he has done everything right, and being a super considerate husband.


So are you staying to try to prove to him that he's wrong? Do you really think you will ever prove this to him?

He is right... you are part of the problem. You know he's abusive yet you stay and let him continually abuse you. Then you complain because he does what you know he will do.

Make sense? Nope. You really do need to leave if it's as bad as you say.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> You know he's abusive yet you stay and let him continually abuse you. Then you complain because he does what you know he will do.


There it is. In a nutshell.

Pursuit. If you want to know my story, this thread is probably the best place. I've posted in it quite a bit and there are other posts that may be insightful for you. On page three a couple of other men finally come to my defense with "I also didn't know". You may be able to get in with a little more "then what did it take to make you realize you were abusive and how did it change you" dialogue.

Most of us abusers aren't the monsters they make us out to be on TV. We CAN be helped.

Good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...on/60413-angry-spouses-why-you-surprised.html


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Everyone here has made excellent points so no sense reiterating them. I was married to man who was finally diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder and the life you describe was mine. He was perfect, I was an idiot and I finally just stopped saying anything to avoid the put-downs. 

No kids? NPD is nearly impossible to fix. The psychologist said because he assumes he's right, any therapy would be futile because he doesn't see himself as having a problem, much less one that needs to be fixed. He's perfect so what's wrong? Nothing in his mind.

Life is much better without someone like that and you will find you are NOT stupid, you have VALID opinions and you are perfectly capable. Don't let the negativity get to you. And seek counseling to get past all of the seeds he's planted in your head.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> MrK;1256351]
> 
> Pursuit. If you want to know my story, this thread is probably the best place. I've posted in it quite a bit and there are other posts that may be insightful for you. On page three a couple of other men finally come to my defense with "I also didn't know". You may be able to get in with a little more "then what did it take to make you realize you were abusive and how did it change you" dialogue.
> 
> Most of us abusers aren't the monsters they make us out to be on TV. We CAN be helped.



In order to change, an abuser has to _want _to change and then it can take years of therapy and a lot of hard work on his/her behalf. Most abusers are in denial about their behaviour, so therapy is unlikely to help them.

I was in an abusive relationship and ended up having to flee to a woman's refuge. My abuser wrecked my career, my finances and my health. All these years down the line and I'm still dealing with the aftermath of abuse from the most evil man I have ever known.

You wanted to change and you did. Most don't.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

What and how should I tell him that I am leaving? I am not able to move out right away, becasue I have no other places to move to. I am here all by myself. All of my families are outside of this country. 

How should I live with him under the same roof after I tell him I am leaving?


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

Why can't you move out immediately? I would be on the first plane out of there and going back to my own country and family. Do you not have any family that would take you in temporarily till you got back on your feet?

If flat out leaving isn't an option I would keep it to myself, open a separate account and start putting a little money in every time you get paid. Once you have enough saved just move. I wouldn't give someone that abusive the benefit of a warning or chance to try to manipulate me into staying.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Why leaving is such a hard option? We have been together for about 9 years. How could you leave a 9 years relationship easily? I wish I love him less, so I can just leave without looking back.


You have been in an abusive, unhappy, "nightmare" (your words, not mine) relationship for 9 years. Time to end the nightmare?

My husband called me an idiot one time and demeaned my intelligence level. I simply told him, "Do you really think I'm stupid? If you really think I'm stupid, then I don't want to be married to someone who thinks that about me."

He never said it again. 

Belittling your intelligence over and over like that is horrible and abusive. You feel as if you are an intelligent woman, right? If you are beat over the head with how stupid and moronic and dumb you are for 9 years, you'll start to believe it. Someone who loves you doesn't want you to believe you are dumb. It's a control issue.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I'm sure it must be hard to leave a 9 year relationship, OP... How far into the relationship was it before he started showing this side of himself? This sort of thing only tends to rear its ugly head when the abusive party feels comfortable enough to let it - which is around the time they've managed to isolate the other party from family and friends. His behaviour regarding your work is_ classic _isolation / control tactics.


He started showing the abusive behavior right after we registerred at the city hall. Last Novenber, I remember he lashed out right after I picked the lunch for us. He completely destroyed me with unimagable nasty things he said, cursing, name calling, burst into a storm of abuse just because the comment I made for a news on TV wasn't clear enough for him, did not say it in a 100% articulate English. After 30 minutes being yelled at and verbally abuse, he hugged me and comforted me with the nicest words before I left for work. It was completely bizzarr. 

Ever since, it happens every month. He said I cannot make him happy all the time, I just have to piss him off periodically.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> What and how should I tell him that I am leaving? I am not able to move out right away, becasue I have no other places to move to. I am here all by myself. All of my families are outside of this country.
> 
> How should I live with him under the same roof after I tell him I am leaving?


You don't. The most dangerous time in an abusive relationship is when the person being abused tells the abuser they're leaving. It is at this stage that things can turn physical, if they haven't already. Get your plans in place, then tell him.

Can you not ask your family for help? If not, you could try contacting Women's Aid. It is an international organisation, and you should be able to find information about your area in the following link:- Women's Aid - the key national charity working to end domestic violence against women and children


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Soifon said:


> Why can't you move out immediately? I would be on the first plane out of there and going back to my own country and family. Do you not have any family that would take you in temporarily till you got back on your feet?
> 
> If flat out leaving isn't an option I would keep it to myself, open a separate account and start putting a little money in every time you get paid. Once you have enough saved just move. I wouldn't give someone that abusive the benefit of a warning or chance to try to manipulate me into staying.


We never had joint bank account together. He never put my name on anything. He said what's the point, what is his, is mine. He said we don't have a lot of money to open a joint account yet, and he doesn't trust bank. He paid for everything when I was unemployeed, however, my parents helped, so did his parents. However, he cannot stop bringing it up to humiliate me when we argue. Even now, he says the money I make now is nothing, he pays for everything. 

I am saving and soon enough I will be financially stable. I just started my career in real estate industry. So I am sure I will be able to support myself soon. 

I will stay here for now. I am not giving him the chance to talk me into. He is giving me the silent treatment. I am not feeling to talk to him anymore.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> After 30 minutes being yelled at and verbally abuse, he hugged me and comforted me with the nicest words before I left for work. It was completely bizzarr.


Bizarre, but this is the cycle of abuse. Once they've had their fix (abusive outburst), they move on to the next part of the cycle.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

A person who truly loves you wouldn't think about what he paid for and what he has done for you both. He would consider it something he should do...it's a partnership. Not to be thrown up in your face like that. You go the extra mile, or whatever, for the person you love...for the family unit, when you need to.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Bizarre, but this is the cycle of abuse. Once they've had their fix (abusive outburst), they move on to the next part of the cycle.


The diagram of the cycle of abuse is the exact cycle that I have been experiencing since Jan 2011.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

DayDream said:


> A person who truly loves you wouldn't think about what he paid for and what he has done for you both. He would consider it something he should do...it's a partnership. Not to be thrown up in your face like that. You go the extra mile, or whatever, for the person you love...for the family unit, when you need to.


Quote your words "it's a partnership", he claims he is the only one who in the partnership. I am not in this partnership, I am in my own selfish-ship. 

Quote "You go the extra mile, or whatever, for the person you love...for the family unit, when you need to", he claims he is the only one who has been doing since day 1, NOT me. I have been doing everything for myself, I have not done anything for him for the family. He asked me to give him a list of what I have done for him, for us.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Bizarre, but this is the cycle of abuse. Once they've had their fix (abusive outburst), they move on to the next part of the cycle.


wait a minute, he is giving the silence treatment since Saturday night, what cycle is this? 

If he is abusive and controlling, should he be doing the reconciliation now?? 

He gives me the silence treatment all the time. Every time after the outburst, he shuts down. When I try to talk to him, he doesn't look at me, he doesn't talk. If he thinks I talk too much, then he will warm me with " I swear to God, you need to shut up and leave me alone, or I will leave. Then tells me get out of his room. "


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

1. Learn to see that whatever he blames you for is exactly what he's guilty of. 

2. Silent treatment is an emotional punishment intended to force you to give him control and let him be superior. It would be part of the abuse phase, not the reconciliation, in my opinion, but intended to bring about the reconciliation and ultimate victory.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Quote your words "it's a partnership", he claims he is the only one who in the partnership. I am not in this partnership, I am in my own selfish-ship.
> 
> Quote "You go the extra mile, or whatever, for the person you love...for the family unit, when you need to", he claims he is the only one who has been doing since day 1, NOT me. I have been doing everything for myself, I have not done anything for him for the family. He asked me to give him a list of what I have done for him, for us.


Well...make a list then. :scratchhead: If you find it impossible to make a list, then maybe you should consider if there is a problem with you. Doesn't excuse his abusive behavior though.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Make a list???

I'm sorry but he would get a big FU for that one. I don't know why you would stay in this relationship and continue to endure this nonsense. KathyBatesel is right. What are you going to do about it?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> wait a minute, he is giving the silence treatment since Saturday night, what cycle is this?
> 
> If he is abusive and controlling, should he be doing the reconciliation now??
> 
> He gives me the silence treatment all the time. Every time after the outburst, he shuts down. When I try to talk to him, he doesn't look at me, he doesn't talk. If he thinks I talk too much, then he will warm me with " I swear to God, you need to shut up and leave me alone, or I will leave. Then tells me get out of his room. "


At a guess I'd say he's frustrated becomes he doesn't feel completely in control of you yet. He uses the silent treatment to keep you walking on eggshells, and also as a means of punishment for you having the temerity to act normally around him (ie trying to engage him in conversation) when he's punishing you.

The silent treatment doesn't constitute an abusive outburst for an abuser, so the reconciliation phase won't be forthcoming. Although the silent treatment is often the precursor to an abuser losing control, especially if it appears to be having little impact on the victim, it is often used for the sole purpose of keeping the victim 'in line.'

Seriously, OP, you really do need to leave this man.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Make a list???
> 
> I'm sorry but he would get a big FU for that one. I don't know why you would stay in this relationship and continue to endure this nonsense. KathyBatesel is right. What are you going to do about it?


I meant for her benefit (should have said that I guess) because she sounds like she is believing him. If she has something concrete to look at, she has proof. 

This relationship is abusive. He is very manipulative and mean and is trying to twist your mind around into being totally subservient and indebted to him. Like you should be thankful he is keeping you around.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

DayDream said:


> I meant for her benefit (should have said that I guess) because she sounds like she is believing him. If she has something concrete to look at, she has proof.
> 
> This relationship is abusive. He is very manipulative and mean and is trying to twist your mind around into being totally subservient and indebted to him. Like you should be thankful he is keeping you around.


Actually I was referring to the OP's husbands silly request. That said, she doesn't need to make one even for herself. She knows what she contributes to this relationship without having to actually list it... or at lease she should. He's out of his mind.

The only answer to this is to leave. No amount of 'proving' herself to this jerk will change who he is. He'll just demand more and more and put her down more and more. Why? Because she takes it. She stays and takes it.


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Actually I was referring to the OP's husbands silly request. That said, she doesn't need to make one even for herself. She knows what she contributes to this relationship without having to actually list it... or at lease she should. He's out of his mind.
> 
> The only answer to this is to leave. No amount of 'proving' herself to this jerk will change who he is. He'll just demand more and more and put her down more and more. Why? Because she takes it. She stays and takes it.


You are absolutely right, but I'm concerned about her believing him. That kind of daily manipulation will have her believing it. Maybe she should just remind herself on a daily basis all she has done for the marriage, and that she isn't all these things he is trying to make her believe she is.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

She shouldn't do anything on a daily basis. She needs to grab a suitcase, pack what is absolutely needed and walk out that door.

Why are you waiting until you are financially stable? You will never be financially stable under his abuse and manipulation. You should be calling your family and telling them you are leaving him and you want to come home. Ask if they can help you with a place to stay and with the cost of transportation. They obviously helped you before why will you not go to them now? I hope that you snap out of this complacent attitude and realize he is not a positive contributor to your life in any way shape or form. There is no reason for you to stay under the same roof for another moment.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

DayDream said:


> I meant for her benefit (should have said that I guess) because she sounds like she is believing him. If she has something concrete to look at, she has proof.
> 
> This relationship is abusive. He is very manipulative and mean and is trying to twist your mind around into being totally subservient and indebted to him. Like you should be thankful he is keeping you around.


According to what you pointed out, I think I could not agree with you more. :iagree:
He said few times that I should be thankful that he did not sleep around and cheated on me when we were long distance; I also should thank him that he did not leave me when I lost my job and during the unemployment period.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I know that I should just leave without doubt. 
I did believed him for a very long time. Constantly finding problems on myself. That's because he is very charming, considerate, caring, and loving when he is not angry. Then he will transform into the monster who curse me the worst, heartbreaking name calling, yelling and shouting at me till I start shaking. I have hard time to believe this monster is the man I love, I moved far away from my family for. 

My family is in outside of the country. I am definitely not leaving here to start all over just because I have a bad marriage. I have dreams here, I have ambition to pursuit here. Although, he always say he will buy me the ticket to send me home when he is angry, and said I don't belong here, and it will approve that I came here not him but for myself if I do not leave.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

This question is for who were and are abused and abusers. 
Do abusers really mean it when they tell their abused spouses they love them very much?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> This question is for who were and are abused and abusers.
> Do abusers really mean it when they tell their abused spouses they love them very much?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People who don't love and respect themselves are incapable of loving others. If an abuser loved and respected him/herself, they could never treat another human being the way they do.

Love is an action word and, IMO, an abuser's actions speak louder than words.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> This question is for who were and are abused and abusers.
> Do abusers really mean it when they tell their abused spouses they love them very much?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am a former battered spouse. Yes, I really believed my ex-husband loved me during the good times. We split up 13 years ago, and he died in 2008. I've had time to reflect on what occurred during our marriage.

The good times, which became fewer as time went on, kept me stuck in the hope that things would really improve permanently. During the years I stayed, he twisted my arm, shoved me, punched me in the face (giving me a black eye), grabbed me by the hair and dragged me across out hallway, threw me down our front steps, etc.

And it all started with verbal/emotional abuse: put-downs, temper tantrums, the silent treatment, and all other sorts of head games.

I made excuses for five years before I left. What got me to leave? RAGE. I got mad enough that I said to myself, "I REFUSE to be treated this way another second."

I left at 10 p.m. on a Sunday night. At that point, he had an unregistered handgun in his office. He could have killed me. He blocked the front door, trying to force me to stay. I shoved him out of my way, got in the car with my cat and some clothes, and never went back.

I was in court within 48 hours getting a restraining order.

Within one week, under a judge's orders, I was able to move out all my stuff. The restraining order remained in effect for one year.

My abusive ex-H never came near me again, once he saw three police cruisers in our driveway waiting to escort him out of our home so I could move out in peace.

Until I got serious, and mad enough, to take legal action, I was stuck. And, yes, I loved the "good" man. But, in hindsight, I think that "good" man was very manipulative. Something tells me that he wasn't basically a good person; he was a sick person.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Do abusers really mean it when they tell their abused spouses they love them very much?


Pursuit, if the abuser is a full-blown narcissist or sociopath, no, he does not mean it because he is incapable of loving anyone. If he has strong traits of BPD, however, he is capable of loving you (albeit in an immature fashion). As I tried to explain above, BPDers generally are not hateful because they do not love you but, rather, because those loving feelings are "split off" from their conscious mind. 

BPDers are very intolerant of experiencing ambiguities and strong mixed feelings. Hence, they tend to adore you for a while and then, in ten seconds, will flip to hating or devaluing you. Because this distinction between BPD and NPD is quite striking, I gave you links to descriptions of both so you could see which traits (if any) sound the most familiar.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> I am a former battered spouse. Yes, I really believed my ex-husband loved me during the good times. We split up 13 years ago, and he died in 2008. I've had time to reflect on what occurred during our marriage.
> 
> The good times, which became fewer as time went on, kept me stuck in the hope that things would really improve permanently. During the years I stayed, he twisted my arm, shoved me, punched me in the face (giving me a black eye), grabbed me by the hair and dragged me across out hallway, threw me down our front steps, etc.
> 
> ...


I am sorry to hear your horrified experience. As much as I do not want to believe that all the physical abuse started with verbal/emotional abuse, however, you are one of the many people who said that. I am so scared now. 

Why there are sick people out there, abusers, rapists, murders?! How and when did we allow these people living among us? Why we cannot have a safe society for every human being to live peacefully?!


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## Def-e-nition (Oct 25, 2012)

Let Go . dump him . 
i Just finally decided , After Much discussion with sheldon On This site , and Seeing how our lives Mirrorred each other's (so strange , I'm still trying to get around That one ) That it was time to be firm , stand up for what i believed to be right , and waht was currently not , right - and Moved Out . 

Short n sweet . 

I was told via bbm( Lord kill Me now ........ ) , that i Was Not Respected , but , Loved ,and that " Us don't work no More " .

Subsequently , after My Move - i Think she now Realizes what A fundamental part i Played in the household -as "Stupid " , and as " Emotion-less" as i May have appeared to come across , i Nevertheless Felt a Lot for the kids , and our Family as a unit . 

My kids are suffering a Little , and cannot comprehend at their young Ages , but i was not prepared to continue on the path My relationship Was going . I am in Terrible pain right now - but i am perservering . to hell with it . 

It May sound harsh , but I'd say if your H does Not work on not abusing you verbally and name-calling , etc - State your case - give him 2 options , and if he doesn't pick the correct one - Act On Option 2 , and Leave . 

Nobody deserves to be verbally abused or Treated with disrespect , as was my case , as Life is simply to short to be caught up hanging around spending time with someone who doesn't feel the Need or urgency , to be treating you Like someone else would , or how he himself would want to be treated :with Respect . 

I wish you all the best .


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> He said few times that I should be thankful that he did not sleep around and cheated on me when we were long distance; I also should thank him that he did not leave me when I lost my job and during the unemployment period.


Something abusers will often do is point out what does not exist as a reason you should be thankful or loving to them. My response to that mental bait-and-switch was always, "Don't tell me what you didn't do. Tell me what you are doing to show me you love me." Of course, that generally will produce a fight....

You said you left him to be in your new country. Is your new country the U.S.? If so, what will happen if you leave him and remain here? If you wouldn't get deported or lose your ability to be here, then there are domestic shelters that can help you transition to a life of independence.

As Uptown said, a narcissist cannot feel love, while other types of abusers might. However, the more important question is why you would let yourself live in such a confusing, unhappy marriage for the crumbs of love that might get thrown your way sometimes instead of holding out for someone whose love is there every single day. 

I have some articles that I believe you will find helpful as you decide what to do - if you're interested in reading them. They are pretty in-depth about the silent treatment and narcissism. 

Best Ways to Respond to Silent Treatment

Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It

Signs and Symptoms of Emotional Abuse


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the heart warming messages and constructive advises you all provided here.

I know what to do now!


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Good luck. Be sure to check back. Nobody ever follows up. Sharing your experience will help others.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Thank you everyone. I really appreciate all the heart warming messages and constructive advises you all provided here.
> 
> I know what to do now!


Hope you'll let us know what that will be!


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

I will definitely give followup here.


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## jtec040812 (Dec 5, 2012)

This sounds a lot like my husband. He also is verbally abusive and calls me idiot, dumb, tells me I need help, stupid. I am the one obtaining my degree this May. I would advise you to leave, but I am having difficulties doing the same. It is hard when you love the person, but name calling and manipulation is not nice at all. I will keep you in my prayers.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

I am preparing my leave, need a short period of time before I can move out. We do not talk for 1 week. He apparently does not care for me at all, his action of this week firmly proved this fact. I sprained my ankle last Friday, before the last outburst. I go to work on my own, bought medicine and healing pad on my own. He did not ask me once how my ankle feel. 

He has been sleeping on the couch in the living room, only talked to me once on Weds, asked me if I want to watch a movie. I said I will pass, then he turned around immediately walked away. 

This morning, he was up and watching tv in the living room while I was getting ready for the library (one of my preparation to leave, I need to get my test done to have the license). He did not say a word to me, so I walked out without telling him where I was going. That was 9 am. He text msged me just now saying " If you cannot say where you are going, then do not bother coming back. " I did not reply him. 

He doesn't think he did anything wrong, he never asked where I was going, how my ankle feel, his action shows he does not care about me at all. All he cares about is to maintain the authority that I have to tell me what I do , where I go, ...... I feel strongly that he is so hungry and thirsty of having power and control over me to feel good about himself. 

I thought about reply him by saying " you never asked, I feel you don't care about me, everything you yelled, cursed and name called me was beyond cruel, I don't want to keep playing the mind control game anymore..........." But I stopped. What's the point? It will only cause outburst, and cycle of reasoning with him, then being yelled and cursed at by him. 

oh maybe I should just text msg him " library " to ease his mind?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, I went through a similar scenario with my ex abuser before leaving him. I had ended up in emergency due to asthma complications because of a respiratory virus. He then ignored me for 3 days as I lay in bed battling to breathe, even complaining about the noise my nebulizer made. I waited until my asthma was stabilized, then silently packed my bags and moved into a women's refuge.

Despite him trying to track me down for over 2 years, I'm happy to say I haven't seen him since!


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> I am preparing my leave, need a short period of time before I can move out. We do not talk for 1 week. He apparently does not care for me at all, his action of this week firmly proved this fact. I sprained my ankle last Friday, before the last outburst. I go to work on my own, bought medicine and healing pad on my own. He did not ask me once how my ankle feel.
> 
> He has been sleeping on the couch in the living room, only talked to me once on Weds, asked me if I want to watch a movie. I said I will pass, then he turned around immediately walked away.
> 
> ...


I am laughing that he thinks it's so bad of you not to talk to him that he tells you not to come back, but that he doesn't think it's wrong for him to do the same thing to you. Poor baby! (NOT!!)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, one day you're going to look back on all this and wonder why you waited so long to leave. There's a wonderful world out there - full of all sorts of opportunities - and it's all waiting there, just for you!


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

PursuitOfHappiness said:


> Oh maybe I should just text msg him "library" to ease his mind?


Whatever. Doesn't much matter, especially given that he knows where you always go. If he is a BPDer or NPDer, your choices are always "lose-lose," i.e., you lose if you do and lose if you don't. The only way to win is to leave.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

I am full aware of that now. 

I did not respond him. He didn't send me more messages.

What I am concerning right now is when I go home later on today, I do not know if there is an outburst waiting for me or not. I am trying to figure out how to cope with him before I leave.


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## PursuitOfHappiness (Nov 25, 2012)

I was preparing food to eat after I came back from the library. My H came to the kitchen and said to me " I was thinking to order pizza." I said " sure you can order it if you want. " He asked " what are you cooking? " I replied " chicken." He turned around and walked away. 

How can he just act like nothing ever happened? Besides all the history repeatedly verbal abuse, and threatening me not to come home this morning, then act like a normal person??!!

30 mins later, his pizza delivery came. I was still cooking!!! I always cook extra for him regardless we fight or not. 

He is eating his pizzar without even asking me if I am hungry if I want to eat. 

What an a**hole!!!! Is he a human being? Does he hate me, I wonder?! How did he parents raise him?! That's the bigger questions!!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, there may or may not be answers to those questions, but what does it matter? He is what he is - an abusive husband.


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## sheer (Dec 9, 2012)

If you are so unhappy then leave. Why staying and gathering sympathy.???
And who cares if your spouse loves you or not. Get some friends and have fun or leave.
It isnt a rocket science


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