# Confused and scared



## Emmy512 (Dec 14, 2020)

I am considering leaving my husband. I feel so confused because most people I know that go through divorce do for a specific reason, but I am unsure of my reason. I basically am just annoyed by nearly everything he does. I also feel like he doesn’t love me even though he tells me he does. He has no interest in joining me in the things that I want to do even though I go to things with him all the time that I don’t want to go to. When I talk to him about this, he just says “then stop going to things you don’t want to go to.” But I feel that we should both make compromises for one another. 
This is going to sound ridiculous- but lately a lot of our friends have been getting married and when I see the groom crying as the bride walks down the aisle, I think to myself “why couldn’t I have that?” My husband was drunk when I walked down the aisle and just had no emotion whatsoever. It definitely didn’t meet my expectations. I don’t even enjoy weddings anymore because I’m so sad about my own marriage. 
To top it all off, we are currently building my dream house. Which I can’t afford on my own. And I feel trapped because I don’t know where I will go. I don’t have family. I do love my husband but I don’t think he loves me and all I can think about is how I just want to be loved and I want what everyone else has with their spouse. I don’t think he’s my soul mate. Can’t be.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like the two of you have lost the emotional connection that's needed for a happy marriage. Was it ever there to begin with? 

Get the books "Lovebusters" and "His Needs, Her Needs", both by author Willard Harley. Read them and do the work they suggest. Stop doing anything that may be causing your husband to lose love for you. Start doing things that will build his love for you. Spend a few weeks or months consistently meeting his most important emotional needs. After you've done that, see if there's any change in the way he interacts with you. If there's not, then have a serious conversation with him about what's going on. See if he's willing to join you in building a marriage that works for _both_ of you. You two need to figure out how to start - and keep - meeting one another's needs in order to build and maintain love in your marriage. 

If he's willing to work with you on doing that, then you have a chance. If he's not, then you'll need to decide if you can live with your marriage the way it is. 

Do be aware that some men just don't take their wives seriously. They imagine their wives will never go anywhere, so there's really no need for them to change. So, if the state of your marriage is becoming a deal-breaker for you, you need to make that VERY clear to your husband. In words. You will need to actually say the words - calmly, clearly, and seriously - "If X does not change, our marriage is in danger of ending." But don't ever use that as a threat or manipulation, and be prepared to follow through if he doesn't change or can't maintain the sort of change you need to stay for the long haul.


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## Emmy512 (Dec 14, 2020)

We haven’t had an emotional connection since before we got married. We’ve been married for 4 years, living together for 6, and together for 10. He’s a workaholic and the entire time we’ve lived together he’s been working until late at night. We don’t eat dinner together. And I’m often asleep when he gets home. It’s definitely not the marriage I envisioned. When I talk to him about our disconnection, he doesn’t really take it seriously. He usually doesn’t even say anything. It’s like talking to a brick wall.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I am wondering if by comparing yourself to what you THINK others have you are producing discontment in your own mind. I know a couple who were both very emotional at their wedding service etc, and they were divorced only a few years after, so really it means nothing. 
You really don't know what others have unless you know then really well. I am wondering if you have a Hollywood type romanticised idea of what marriage should be like. 
He must have many good qualities or why would you have married him? Yet now you want to change the man you married because you want him to be more like a,b or c husband. 
I think that some MC may well help you to understand each other more, and there really is nothing wrong with each having your own interests and hobbies.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Emmy512 said:


> We haven’t had an emotional connection since before we got married. We’ve been married for 4 years, living together for 6, and together for 10. He’s a workaholic and the entire time we’ve lived together he’s been working until late at night. We don’t eat dinner together. And I’m often asleep when he gets home. It’s definitely not the marriage I envisioned. When I talk to him about our disconnection, he doesn’t really take it seriously. He usually doesn’t even say anything. It’s like talking to a brick wall.


But you still married him when you had already been with him all those years, what did you expect would happen?


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## Emmy512 (Dec 14, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> But you still married him when you had already been with him all those years, what did you expect would happen?


Yep- I was in love anyways.


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## Emmy512 (Dec 14, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I am wondering if by comparing yourself to what you THINK others have you are producing discontment in your own mind. I know a couple who were both very emotional at their wedding service etc, and they were divorced only a few years after, so really it means nothing.
> You really don't know what others have unless you know then really well. I am wondering if you have a Hollywood type romanticised idea of what marriage should be like.
> He must have many good qualities or why would you have married him? Yet now you want to change the man you married because you want him to be more like a,b or c husband.
> I think that some MC may well help you to understand each other more, and there really is nothing wrong with each having your own interests and hobbies.


You may be right. I’m probably self sabotaging to an extent. He does have good qualities. I really just don’t think he loves me anymore. He says it, but doesn’t show it. I know he’s busy with work and his own stuff but I don’t feel the love at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No emotional connection since _before _you got married? What were you expecting would happen?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I would suggest counseling. It would be a shame to throw away a marriage because you two don't seem to communicate well. He needs to know how serious this is before you just up and leave. Time to straight talk with him and don't be afraid.


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## Emmy512 (Dec 14, 2020)

Openminded said:


> No emotional connection since _before _you got married? What were you expecting would happen?


I didn’t think. I was just in love.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

What you are asking for is entirely reasonable.
All the onus is placed on you, and none on him.

I hereby place the missing half on him.

You are good and loving wife, he is a good worker.
Not a good balance.

He does need to work harder on loving you.

Another factor, one often mentioned here, but given short-shrift.
This is that mid-life crisis.
You may be suffering from "What if?"

Also, the seven year itch has passed, but the itch may still linger, as retrograde.

Life has a way of showing things that we don't have....and should want.

Heated romance is one such should-want.

Advertising and films purposely make you feel hungry and lonely.

Why?
It is easy and profitable.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Emmy512 said:


> I didn’t think. I was just in love.


When you lead with your heart, you don’t always get a good outcome — especially when you’re the only one really feeling it.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

All of us feel differently about love and companionship, and our love responses differ.
Between men and women, those differences can be felt, large.
Tragically large. 

Differences become inferences of past love-lost.
Differences soon become hurt feelings, then to a divide, all this creating walls. 

It ain't you Babe, it is him.

And it is _common_.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So in addition to the counseling (you do need to get across to him how you feel about this STRONGLY), you may want to look up "the 5 Languages of Love".
I have a VERY strong feeling that you both have VERY different love languages, and are just NOT recognizing it.


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## Lance Mannion (Nov 24, 2020)

Emmy512 said:


> I do love my husband *but I don’t think he loves me* and all I can think about is how I just want to be loved and I want what everyone else has with their spouse. I don’t think he’s my soul mate. Can’t be.


What you know of your husband's inner life is through the process of interacting with him, watching him and listening to him. From these inputs you've come to doubt that he loves you. The question is how accurate is your assessment from these inputs? Only one person can tell you how accurate your assessment is and that's your husband. Problem is that he likely doesn't want to share his innermost life because he's more comfortable keeping in private than sharing it with you.

So there's a conundrum, are you correct or incorrect? How can you get a definitive answer? Well, there is one way and plenty of Walkaway Wives have seen this play out. When you leave him, THEN you see him fall into despair and proclaim his love for you. Sadly for most WAW, they're long gone emotionally by that point, so knowing the full depth of the husband's feelings now no longer moves them.

This is a sad process, the sadness resting on the foundation of mismatched cycles of truth and love and desire. When she wanted him, he was oblivious to her needs, now that he wants and shows his love, she's already given up.

The trick here is to get those mismatched cycles to match up, he shows his inner life to you while you still have some ghostly feelings left for him, still a bit of spark, a spark which can be nurtured back into a healthy blaze. This means his world has to be threatened by losing you, then you see what he really thinks. Walkaway Wives have given up on the marriage by the time this event arrives, but if you've not given up, then maybe shock therapy is in order. Either way, you get an answer which comes from him rather than having to rely on your interpretations of his feelings for you.


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