# Question for Indian/Asian/traditional women



## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Sorry for the apparent racist-sexist-condescending sounding post title. I don't mean to come across as such but my situation is a bit culture-specific (if not entirely). I am a Nepalese man and have been married for six years. Ours is a joint family (see here). Generally in my culture we live with our parents - we don't move out, the family simply gets bigger when a child grows up and gets married. Women however have to move of their parent's house and move into their husband's house (effectively their in-laws' house) upon marriage. 

From the very start my wife has insisted on using her father's house as her official "permanent address" in passport forms, bank forms, etc. Now that is very awkward - once you're married, you are expected to accept your husband's address as your permanent one (divorce is very rare and generally unthought of). Hence whenever there is a new form to fill, I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame. 

For example if my father has to submit a form somewhere where my wife's permanent address needs to be stated, the person accepting the form will look at her info and think there's a mistake. This will lead to a discussion and in the end the person accepting the form will make a judgmental comment such as "that's wrong" or "your daughter-in-law must not have fitted in very well" or "you guys treat your daughter-in-law well, right?" (Believe me, people in our parts are quite nosey!) At the end of the day my dad of course will not return home a happy man. 

I personally don't like all this either, and once asked my wife why she does this. She replied that she didn't like the traditional notion that a woman has to change her maiden name and even her permanent address upon getting married. I respect her stand and had asked her not to change her maiden name when we got married. But the address part I don't get. I mean, even for purely practical reasons it seems absurd - in my country the postal service is notorious for completely disregarding the "temporary/present address" info. Plus all the above of course.

How do I address this situation? If you have encountered a similar situation in your life, how did you deal with it? What is your stand on the address issue?

Thank you for reading.


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

Hello,
I am an asian too... And the same thing that your believed I too had the same problem with my in-laws... However I did refuse to stay with my maiden name... And about the address I think you should speak to her (that's what hubby did) and since then if I have any private forms I use my dad's address.. But any other forms where his family is concerned he simply puts their address.. Which I really don't mind..I don't know if I have helped you but I have been there so that's what I did..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinky2129 (Sep 26, 2011)

pinky2129 said:


> Hello,
> I am an asian too... And the same thing that your believed I too had the same problem with my in-laws... However I did refuse to stay with my maiden name... And about the address I think you should speak to her (that's what hubby did) and since then if I have any private forms I use my dad's address.. But any other forms where his family is concerned he simply puts their address.. Which I really don't mind..I don't know if I have helped you but I have been there so that's what I did..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Why not use the address where you and she live? As an American who is not tied to your customs, it seems to me she is creating a rift where none need exist.

Is she trying to pressure you into moving out of your parents' house?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@pinky2129 My wife uses her father's address irrespective of whether the form is coming from her family or mine, and whether the form is private or not. I have talked to my parents nonetheless and asked them to respect my wife's decision, but the issue periodically comes up. I can't blame my parents for not being understanding since my wife's behavior goes against the norm here.

@Thor she lives with me and my family, so yes she is creating a bit of a rift. What's more surprising is that even her family thinks she should be using our address since she's married now. But my wife continues being sentimental (I don't think she wants me to move out btw). An extra effort needs to be made to fetch her mails from her father's house while the rest of us get our mail delivered to our house.

What do you guys suggest I should do?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@wifeofhusband yes, asserting some sort of independence is her only reason. However, the reasoning behind her reason is puzzling - she insists that she doesn't want to be discriminated because she's a girl, i.e. I didn't have to change my permanent address after marriage. I'm all up for women being as independent as men, but her stand is simply impractical. I have no idea how to dissuade her from this practice of hers.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@wifeofhusband She actually doesn't have much of a life outside work.. and it's not that she's very connected to her own family either. For example she rarely calls them up. It's true that there does seem to be an emotional gulf between them - my wife claims that her brother, being the son, was the preferred child in the family, and that she never got the attention she deserved.

My wife is a very headstrong woman who holds onto her views until faced with utmost adversity. That her view may be wrong doesn't really matter.

Has she really given up on something out of the ordinary by getting married to me? No. In our culture as I said women come to live with their husbands - that's the norm. This tradition she can't seem to digest in principle. I'm fine with that, but she's completely ignoring the social awkwardness that she's causing us, plus the occasional hassle. 

Unfortunately this isn't the only issue I have had with her - see here (http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/40791-my-wife-asexual.html).


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Obviously one problem you have with American is that equality is our benchmark. I remember having an Indian secretary and was amazed at how much she was expected to do for her husband's family. Obviously it's difficult for a woman getting mixed messages from both cultures. 

If there were some legitimate problem with the address, that is one thing, but there apparently isn't. Your pushy dominating family believe she is not subservient enough and you're taking their side instead of your wife's. (I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame. ")

In any culture, you simply cannot let your family dominate your wife. Your marriage has to come first, and I think you need to put your wife first. She may be a traditional woman, from a traditional family, in a traditional culture, but be damn sure, if there are serious problems, she will use the American legal system to secure alimony, support, and primary custody. 




strange_bound said:


> Sorry for the apparent racist-sexist-condescending sounding post title. I don't mean to come across as such but my situation is a bit culture-specific (if not entirely). I am a Nepalese man and have been married for six years. Ours is a joint family (see here). Generally in my culture we live with our parents - we don't move out, the family simply gets bigger when a child grows up and gets married. Women however have to move of their parent's house and move into their husband's house (effectively their in-laws' house) upon marriage.
> 
> From the very start my wife has insisted on using her father's house as her official "permanent address" in passport forms, bank forms, etc. Now that is very awkward - once you're married, you are expected to accept your husband's address as your permanent one (divorce is very rare and generally unthought of). Hence whenever there is a new form to fill, I can feel the uneasiness in my other family members - to their mind my wife appears hell bent on standing apart from my family. It's a source of shame.
> 
> ...


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

If you respect your wife and her wishes, then you had better be supporting her in this situation and not just being your family's puppet. I'm very sorry, but, if you're man enough to marry her, then you're man enough to stand by her when you agree with her choices -- especially since she is not actually doing anything to shame anybody (unless you count the fact that she isn't just obeying blindly what people are regulating based on gossip). You should value your relationship with your wife more than gossip and what other people might be saying or thinking -- even your own family.

Now, if she was cheating on you or doing something truly objectionable and she refused to listen to reason, then you'd have a problem.

Tell your parents and the gossipy community that you are fine with her choices and they should just accept it. Don't engage them in manipulative conversation about it afterwards. They will get over it; trust me. If you don't stand by your wife now, you'll be shown as a guy who wasn't worthy of her and she might eventually leave you. Hell, I'd leave you if I were her. Also, no woman is going to be attracted to a man who can't defend her and who chooses to side with oppressive behavior instead of with her, so if you aren't having problems with that already, I imagine that you will, at some point. This is not a small thing and it has the potential to destroy your marriage if you don't man up and defend your wife against these people who are just pushing her around.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture. 

You're wrong - this has nothing to do with male chauvinism or women having to be subservient. Different cultures just operate differently. If you don't understand that, please visit a library (and no, I am not telling you that in a condescending way - I am sincerely asking you to educate yourselves in different cultures before you rush to conclusions about my society or the state of my marriage).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture.
> 
> You're wrong - this has nothing to do with male chauvinism or women having to be subservient. Different cultures just operate differently. If you don't understand that, please visit a library (and no, I am not telling you that in a condescending way - I am sincerely asking you to educate yourselves in different cultures before you rush to conclusions about my society or the state of my marriage).


Strange, 

I remember your other thread very well. Your wife has definite issues about marriage. The others need to read that thread as well if they have not already.

Now that you bring up this new topic, I wonder if her refusal to sexually consummate your marriage is tied the the same issue... whatever it is.

While I am not of your culture, I have lived in similar cultures and understand much of how they operate. Your wife seems to have a need to defy a lot of the traditions of marriage... to include the sexual part.

I do not recall.. is your marriage an arranged marriage? How old in your wife?’

Does your wife complain about your family being too controlling, or too much in her business. I wonder if she is concerned that they might withhold mail from her or read her mail. I’m not saying that they would, but that she is concerned about that. Or in your culture would it be acceptable for the elders of a family to open the mail of younger members, especially their son’s wife?

I wonder if this address issue as very closely tied to the sexual issue. My guess is that your wife does not want to follow tradition. The address and the sex… they are ways of her sticking her finger in the eye of tradition and those who want her to behave in a particular manner. Unfortunately you are the guy who is suffering for it.


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## Dar-li (Mar 14, 2012)

:sleeping:
there are many reasons that you must foresee before you act or solve the question...
is clima or artistic picture of Asia that born and grow sad and dreaming migrant people, for exp the unpure,unclear yellow color...
another reason is that we are created and grow up,educated, by aliens, or God system once upon a time, that means greek deep culture, that is a heavy culture and cause problems....
:iagree:


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Dar-li didn't get you at all..

@EleGirl I really don't know if her sexual issue is in the same vein as this one. She definitely doesn't want to conform to tradition. My marriage was not an arranged one - we fell in love and got married within six months or so. Before our marriage she acted as if she was quite traditional and hence gained acceptance within my family. After the marriage it was a different story.

My wife is 30. She used to complain about my family being "too involved" (basically meaining they were too traditional) and she did not seem to respect my family's values at all. All that changed when we were on the verge of breaking up and then decided to do a trip back home, just to see how things played out. Turns out she loved our Nepal trip and now finds no fault with my family. Basically I think she realized that she doesn't want to lose me and that my family have been well-meaning all along.

By well-meaning or traditional I don't mean to imply that anybody from my family would ever withhold mail from her or read her mail. In my culture that wouldn't be unacceptable, but my family isn't like that - we respect each other's privacy.

I am indeed the guy suffering for all of it. How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue? Since you have followed my previous thread, please also see http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/41758-breaking-down-when-things-could-work-out.html. That's how things are for me currently


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @Bobby5000, @desert-rose: there's a very good reason that my post is addressed to people from specific ethnicities. You guys clearly didn't get my problem and are instead judging me by your Westernized views - i.e. that I am not manning up and am just being male chauvinistic as is the norm in my culture.


As a woman from the SouthWest-Asian community, I assure you that I am from your intended audience and I do understand the role of culture in your situation.

It doesn't sound like you want actual opinions, just someone to justify your own opinion. I think it's a little counter-productive just to discount the opinions of people who are making an effort to answer your own question that you solicited by writing them off as too ignorant to understand you. 

As you have expressed the issue here in this thread, this problem isn't about culture but communication and support; hiding behind culture isn't going to help you solve your problem. This is about you choosing not to stick up for your wife when people are pushing her around -- at least it seems that way based on what you have expressed.

You can listen to people's opinions or you can ignore them, but remember that you're the one who solicited them in the first place. Better to think about them to see if you might find something outside your usual thought patterns; that is the value of seeking outside opinions, after all.



strange_bound said:


> She used to complain about my family being "too involved" (basically meaining they were too traditional) and she did not seem to respect my family's values at all.
> 
> How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue?


Too involved is not the same thing as too traditional. Try to *listen* to what she is telling you the problem is for her.

You should address this by talking to her directly about the problem and if she won't deal with it then by taking her to counseling. My tone to you is harsh because it looks to me like you're letting culture, family, and uncertainty take too big apart in your own life and they are becoming obstacles. "Man up" doesn't mean you're not a man, it means you need to act with more agency and certainty and confidence about the things that you need to deal with, without giving too much value to the obstacles in your way ("Woman up" would be just as appropriate if you were a woman, which you are not).

Maybe she doesn't want to consummate the marriage because she isn't sure it's going to last and then she won't have her virginity as her value anymore. Something is keeping her from putting both feet in the marriage. I suspect that she doesn't truly believe you will be there for her in the ways that she needs you to be and that's why she isn't all in. So, try talking to her directly about it. And stop letting community interference destroy your chance at a reasonable marriage with someone you chose.

---
I'm going to bow out of the conversation because I don't want this to be personal and I have no intention of making you feel attacked or offended. I'm just trying to give you a response that might help you, not trying to attack your connection to your culture. I wish you luck and hope you guys get your issues sorted out. You started your relationship with love, so keep that love in sight as you struggle through the rest.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> How do you suggest I address all this - or at least this permanent address issue?


There are two ways that you can handle this address issue. One is to try to get her to see what you believe is the right way. The other is to respect her decision.

Trying to get her to accept what you and your family consider to be the right way is not working. It has not worked in 6 years. So give up on it right now. If this address issue is the worse thing that happens in your married life-time you are a lucky man.

Your wife has some issue that she is not communicating well to you. From what you have said I think that she does not want to lose herself by completely melding with your family... as though her previous life did not exist. Sometimes when feel that they lose their idenity when they marry.. for a very good reason. They often do. So maybe this is the issue. 

Were I you I would let her use any silly address she wanted to. Accept her handling your own issues her own way. Just tell her that while you do not understand her reasons, you respect her decisions. If you do this and give her some time, the inconvenience of getting mail at her parents would eventually win out.

Could she get a PO Box, or the two of you get a PO Box? That way you two have something that is yours alone?

You might also want to ask your family to just drop it for now and not bring it up. That while you understand their concerns, you wife's point of view has to be respected as well. She might every well come around as time goes on. The more your family get on her case about this the more she will dig her heals in and act this way.

I wonder if you and your wife were to get your own apartment if she would start to open up to you.

I'm trying to get more a picture of what makes your wife click. What kind of a job does she have? How much of a college education does she have? Is she a supervisor over people at work?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@desert-rose I'm sorry if I've offended you in return, that wasn't my objective either. I understand you're trying to help but you sounded too harsh and as you understand I'm quite sensitive at this point. (Also read below, and if possible my other threads.)

@EleGirl truth be told I consider this a very minor issue in my troubled marriage. In the worst case my parents are going to be grumpy about this once in a while, then forget about it. I think my thread made this issue sound way more serious than it actually is.

I also failed to point out that I do respect my wife's stand on this matter even though I don't agree with it. Only a few days ago my father brought this up again and I defended my wife. I didn't even bring this up later on with my wife (she was at work when I had this conversation with my parents) - I didn't feel it was necessary. 

I don't think this whole issue is major enough by itself to drag my wife to counseling for. My problem with her stand on this matter is twofold:

1] She seemed absolutely traditional before our marriage, and just changed the next day we got married. When I asked her back then why she wouldn't use our address as her permanent one she gave me the response I've stated before in this thread. I respected it and have respected it since, although it annoys me.

But this actually goes deeper: three years after my marriage one day she told me candidly that she was trying so hard to be accepted by my family that she eventually became somebody else. All this changed when she got married and she had her "oh ****" moment- she realized that she had given us a false picture. Thereafter, instead of living up to the persona she had projected, she reverted with vigor to her usual self, which left all of us puzzled and gave rise to many misunderstandings.

Anyway, after I recovered from my shock of hearing her words, I confronted her about why she hadn't told me all this before. She instantly dismissed the whole thing as just idle talk and told me I need not take what she just said seriously. Ever since she alternates between "that was just something I had said not seriously" and "no, when did I ever say that?" And needless to say it haunts me.

2] It annoys me because her stand is impractical (mail going to two places for the same household) and seems deliberately anti-traditional. It's plain strange coming from somebody who started calling my mom "Ma" way before we got married (although my mom hadn't asked her to).

Given all this, how do you suggest I talk to my wife about this?

If my wife were to get an apartment with me she'd probably use that address. But she doesn't want to not live with my parents (too anti-traditional and considered shameful), and neither do I.

My wife has an undergrad from a foreign university. Her father used to be a very high official, but he chose to live in his wife's flat instead of living with his family or independently (considered disgraceful in my culture). So I understand my wife is always subconsciously defending that. My wife works as a manager in retail and is quite successful in her job.

Hope I'm making any sense at all here.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

strange_bound said:


> @desert-rose I'm sorry if I've offended you in return, that wasn't my objective either. I understand you're trying to help but you sounded too harsh and as you understand I'm quite sensitive at this point. (Also read below, and if possible my other threads.)


No harm, no foul. We're five by five.




strange_bound said:


> I don't think this whole issue is major enough by itself to drag my wife to counseling for. My problem with her stand on this matter is twofold:
> 
> 
> But this actually goes deeper: three years after my marriage one day she told me candidly that she was trying so hard to be accepted by my family that she eventually became somebody else. All this changed when she got married and she had her "oh ****" moment- she realized that she had given us a false picture. Thereafter, instead of living up to the persona she had projected, she reverted with vigor to her usual self, which left all of us puzzled and gave rise to many misunderstandings.
> ...


Sounds like she was just trying to be someone else, someone she thought you wanted her to be, instead of being herself. Sounds like she has realized that and now feels trapped a little by the fact that she made a commitment and wasn't true to herself. Sounds also like she cares for you and wishes she could make it work, but is at odds with herself. Maybe she is just depressed and confused?

This IS substantial enough an issue that you guys should go to counseling. Counseling isn't a punishment or a last resort or any indication of insanity, it's a way to make things better. It's a way to communicate the things that you're not able to communicate in the context of whatever is going on. If you want to have a house built, wouldn't you go to an architect to seek counsel? You wouldn't just stare at plans and blueprints without making sense of them, right? Psychologists are trained to help people figure things out, so try it. It can't hurt, right?

You can guess all you want about what's causing the problem (which won't do you any good) or you can try to address it. Ultimately, you have to talk TO her and figure out what's going on because she's the only one who knows. You can't just try to change her mind or behavior, you have to try and understand and go from there.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@desert-rose I'm happy to see you didn't abandon my thread. I started going to a counselor (my wife refused therapy) and after a few sessions my counselor said that she couldn't really help, we need to see an MC.

Of course my wife refused. After many arguments and lots of pleading and threatening she finally consented to seeing an IC, then stopped after two sessions. Since our Nepal trip she's a lot more positive and has started seeing an IC again. Seems like she is at least coming face to face with her issues.

I am trying my best to understand her, but I think it pretty much all went horribly wrong when she decided to fake herself to win over our hearts. She's confused and at odds with herself, but she's not depressed. The thing is her natural reaction to confusion is denial, and that hasn't helped. 

Still, I have been trying for six years, and I'm determined to find out if we really can love each other to the fullest.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

OK I just read your other post about your wife not consummating your marriage.

You are not married. You do not have a "marriage" or any normal romantic relationship with her. She is a broken person for some reason. Without her getting a lot of good therapy she is not going to be a normal partner for you.

All cultural issues aside, she is a deeply damaged person. I am sorry for what you are going through, and I am saddened for whatever she has experienced to make her like this. She is suffering too.

My sincere suggestion is that you seek an annulment of your marriage. This is not a divorce, it is the marriage being declared never existing.

Perhaps you can explain if there is a cultural difference, but in my view there is only one legitimate need or function which is filled by marriage. That is sex, and the related result - children. You can have friendships without being married. You can feel love for a woman without being married. You can even share a house with a woman without being married and without having sex. Being married implies you and your wife are _family_. Husbands and wives enjoy a life long sexual intimacy which is part of the bonding which only two people can create. You cannot have this experience with other people, at least not at the same time. Husbands and wives are generally expected to become parents and raise children in a family.

Your wife is refusing to take on any of the legitimate roles or functions of a wife. You have never had a marriage except on paper. I don't suggest you threaten her with divorce or threaten her with an annulment. She has deep beliefs which she is not going to change with a little bit of pressure from you.

I'm sorry you are in this position. I think you need to decide which is more important to you, your own life or avoiding whatever disappointment your parents might feel about you getting an annulment. You deserve your own life and you deserve to seek meaningful happiness.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Thanks @Thor. Here's a shocker: turns out I'm _not_ a virgin. Apparently we had had sex once - on the night when I first told her, very seriously, that I couldn't live with her like this.

We fought; she felt betrayed (strangely); and then we ended up making out. The whole episode indeed happened but it constantly skips my conscious mind because that whole fight and its aftermath is a blur to me. It was just too many intense emotions going off at the same time. I recall the fact that the "love making" happened but honestly cannot remember at all what the experience was like.

(Well I somewhat do- it was confusing and I wasn't even sure that the shot was fired in the right place, if you get what I mean. Overall a very confusing and underwhelming experience- so much so that I don't even remember it usually. I only found out about this because I vaguely remembered it after posting here and confirmed with my wife. Anyway, forgettable make-up sex once is probably worse than not having sex ever- and I feel like a virgin anyway. Nonetheless, since the "sex" happened I don't think I could get the marriage annulled- correct me if I'm wrong here.)

****

My wife is finally undergoing therapy and seems serious about it. She indeed is a complex character. One of the reasons that she turned out the way she did is her troubled relationship with her parents- she claims that she was treated as the "second-class child" of the house when she was growing up. I.e., her brother was the favored child - he was the one who always got the better presents, more attention, and even his choice of education (expensive school compared to her having no say in which school she would have to go to).

While this may seem strange, this sadly used to be the case in many traditional households in the Indian subcontinent. But not in recent memory- and in my family at least all this is completely alien. But even by the standards of traditional families my wife's family seems to be an extreme case. My wife's mother reportedly called her a "wh*re" when she started having her periods quite young.

So naturally my wife turned out to be a really stubborn person. By the time she was in high school she was her own person and would not take orders or advice from anybody. But it's not that she didn't exactly have a role model- my father in law is a lot like she is. He absolutely doesn't care about social protocol and doesn't give a s**t about what another person might feel.

It's hard to tell how factual my wife's claims of childhood neglect are, especially since her social aloofness, stubbornness and hotheadedness parallel her father's. Plus, my in laws strongly deny my wife's claims and seem quite saddened by them (my wife counter-claims that they're in denial). I have seen however that both my in laws call their son almost on a daily basis; but they hardly ever call up my wife. My wife in turn rarely ever calls them up. That all this is in stark contrast with my family and creates a lot of tension would be a profound understatement.

Anyway, the reason I brought all this up is because my wife doesn't even seem to realize how much her unresolved issues with her parents are affecting her as a person. I pointed it out to her on a few occasions, but she took offense. I'm highly unconvinced that she will have shed proper light on it during her counseling sessions.

****

Despite whatever issues my wife may have, my chief complaint against her is that she never put any effort into our marriage- until I was adamant that I would leave her if she didn't address our situation (sexlessness plus her poor relationship with my family). No amount of past bad experiences can justify that, and it just makes me question whether our relationship is at all her priority. For instance she never really wanted to be intimate or have a good relationship with my family. If she could get by, she would prefer to get by. My great mistake was that I was so patient all along, foolishly hoping she would one day grow up...

I definitely know better now and would like to make sense of my life. I want to wait and see how committed she really is to fixing our marriage, and if I'm not convinced I'm not going to stay anymore.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

How about she is her own woman and can do whatever she wants. This is really not a huge thing in the grand scheme of things.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@LemonLime if you are referring to the question this thread started off with, I've already responded to that here.


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## LemonLime (Mar 20, 2012)

I only read the Op, so yes, it was in response to the that. Skimming thru, I do see there are deeper routed issues, good luck with everything


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm sorry but I have a hard time wrapping my brain around the fact you had sex (while apparently sober) but didn't realize it. Especially if this was your first time and you're losing your virginity after six years of marriage, wouldn't you notice you're doing something really different with your wife?

I'm not trying to be snarky. I just don't understand how you don't remember that event. Were you drunk?

The first time is usually underwhelming for most people. 

I'm glad there's some progress....I hope things work out for you both.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@Coffee_Amore No I wasn't drunk, and trust me this surprises me as much as you. All in all I feel that my resentment is unconsciously blocking the experience, repressing it in my mind.


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

strange_bound said:


> @Coffee_Amore No I wasn't drunk, and trust me this surprises me as much as you. All in all I feel that my resentment is unconsciously blocking the experience, repressing it in my mind.


Hi,

I am an Indian women too... I am sorry to know that you have been going through this for 6 years. 

I suggest if you are not happy with her being herself and she is not happy trying to be someone else... then its better to call it off....I just think you can only give a certain amount of time to build or repair a relationship. If that doesn't happen, it wont happen ever again. 

Also, I am very very shocked and confused to know that you vaguely remember if you ever had sex with her. I am sorry but how could you not remember??? And it means the marriage is consumated. Anyways, I am not trying to argue here.

Lastly, dont fall under pressure from your parents or society. Do what your conscience says  Do what you feel is the right thing to do, not just for her but you too...

Hope both of you find peace.

God bless you.

Amanda


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

strange_bound said:


> Sorry for the apparent racist-sexist-condescending sounding post title.


No need to apologize. I am tired of people getting offended so easily to where you say you are sorry about your opinion. If they get offended, they will just have to get over it.


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## AmandaC (Jan 22, 2012)

AmandaC said:


> Hi,
> 
> I am an Indian women too... I am sorry to know that you have been going through this for 6 years.
> 
> ...


I would like to add one more thing here. Why would she not change her permamanent address?

Can you give an example of a situation whereby she has said that your parents are too involved? 

I think for us to judge you need to give a full picture...

regards,
Amanda


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Thank you all for responding.

@Amanda, regarding not remembering having sex with her - as I've said previously in this thread, this perplexes me too. I'm so damaged psychologically that certain areas of my mind are apparently blocked out.. I just don't want to recall certain memories at all.

Anyway, I'll recall the incident in detail here. What happened was this: my parents were visiting us for the first time in three years, and my wife was being totally a *****. She rarely had a five minute conversation with them although they were with us for nearly four months. All she would do was leave early in the day for work, come back home in the evening, say something monosyllabic such as "hi" and then go to her room. She even would not always come out to have dinner with us together.

(Backstory: my wife firmly believed (and possibly still does) that my mother in particular was very mean to her after we got married. That's BS compared to what she did to my family, so I won't get into that here.)

Even when my parents were here visiting us, my wife suddenly decided she wanted to attend her nephew's first birthday.. in Nepal. And she left. I'm sure my parent's didn't like it.. my father told me, "Why couldn't she just ask us to come visit after her nephew's birthday?" I didn't have an answer. Anyway during her absence I realized for the first time how stressed I was being with her. And I finally had the peace and calm to think in my head.

So when she came back, I had a better understanding of things. I told her one night that her actions have really hurt me over the years. That I could take every hurt coming from her but could not see her insulting my parent day in day out. I told her she has to change or I would leave her. She broke down; she was in shock. She kept saying that she couldn't believe I was telling her all that, knowing how much it would hurt her. Etc etc. She even wanted to leave right then. Anyway I didn't have the heart to see her like that. I wanted to comfort her and we eventually ended up having sex.

However, fifteen minutes after this, when I am dreaming of a new dawn in our relationship, she reverts to being hurt and confused. She once again wants to leave, as if nothing has happened. I guess that's when I blocked that incident in my mind. It just really tore me apart.

Anyway, once my parents left my wife wanted to leave and then decided (herself) to stay and try to work on our marriage. It's been nearly a year now; while she has made great strides by her standards, things are mostly the same. Example: previously she would _never_ want to talk to my parents on Skype. These days after asking her for a few days, she will agree one day. Before she would have more of an attitude and wouldn't care about my feelings. These days she seems sensitive to my feelings.

However, no sex yet. Only three days ago I tried to get intimate with her, but after a minute of kissing she tells me she's really tired. I believe her and let go of her, although at the back of my head I'm afraid because it feels like I've heard that tone before. Moreover, things quickly go bad - God knows why she just turned "off" today when we were returning home from a mall visit (she was chirpy for a while). 

I'm tired of all this and it seems like we're both suffering. I believe she has feelings for me but she seems very confused. I don't know where all this is going.

Why she didn't change her permanent address... read my previous posts in this thread. That's all I can tell you.

Example of a situation where she thinks my parents are too involved.. I am the only surviving child of my parents and therefore try to spend time with them online everyday, as a way of providing mental support. They in turn are two of my best friends in life. But she finds all this "too much" (although now she's much more lenient on this issue). I should point out here that although I regularly communicate with my parents I don't discuss my marriage or relationship matters with them at all.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

You have a dominant difficult mother who dictated what your wife should do, openly criticized her, she is in a 3 against one relationship in her husband's house, and she is miserable. I'd be miserable too. Yet when noting this, you do not accept the obvious but try to explain that in America, Nepalese women are used to being dominated by their husbands and their mothers and you need some input by those culturally familiar. To the contrary, WE UNDERSTAND HER PAIN AND MISERY AND HOW SHE RESPONDS BETTER THAN YOU. 

She is partially American and familiar with American values. When she goes outside the home, she will have friends and other people who tell her she does not need to be bossed around and dominated like this, and you and your family's attempt to "get her in line" should not be successful. Having been scared by her new family she is angry and depressed and just wants to get away, and the idea of sex with one with who hurt her is not appealing. 

Hey, it's not just your culture, there are plenty of dominating mothers in various cultures and you cannot let them dominate a marriage or make the wife miserable. Your sex problem is obviously an indication of the overall sad state of this marriage, and you have to determine whether you are willing to take realistic steps to try to save the marriage. Since she has suffered so much criticism and abuse, I cannot say whether it is too late. I'd consider an American woman marriage counselor to provide perspective. 

Sorry to provide candor. I sympathize with you, since being in a bad marriage is one of the worst things in the world.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

LOL. Where did I ever say that my mother was dominant or difficult? (She is very submissive and easy going.) Or that we even live in America? (We don't.)

All I said about my mom here was: "my wife firmly believed (and possibly still does) that my mother in particular was very mean to her after we got married." 

But I also pointed out: "That's BS compared to what she did to my family, so I won't get into that here." If that really piqued your curiosity, why didn't you ask further questions instead of jumping to conclusions?

*Edit:* please read this thread by me:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/42839-back-square-one.html


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

I would love to hear your wife's account of things. 

You didn't say specifically your mother is dominant or difficult, but you implied it when you said _your wife _says the MIL is "mean". Now "mean" can mean different things, but I'm assuming in this traditional family of yours that your wife sees the mother in law as difficult. A daughter in law has a different relationship with her traditional mother in law obviously than you have with your own mother. Wouldn't you agree? You're the son and from the sounds of it, you've done well in life. Your mother is probably very proud of you, your accomplishments so she probably dotes on you. Maybe you don't think your mother is treating your wife harshly, but that's _your perception._ You've also minimized whatever harsh treatment rendered by your mother to your wife by saying that what your wife has done paled in comparison. You dismiss your wife's version of things. What exactly happened early in the marriage between your mother and wife? You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but I'm curious. 

Your parents are your best friends? Do you realize how that sounds? I'm close to my parents, but in no way would I consider them my best friends. There's nothing wrong with having a good relationship with one's parents. We should all strive for that if we have mentally healthy parents, but you do seem very enmeshed with your parents' lives. 

The overall impression I'm left with is that you will side with your parents no matter what. If your wife disagrees with them, your parents views trump. I get the impression you expect your wife to submit to them and if she doesn't, well then she's in the wrong. Maybe that's the impression she gets as well and she chafes under that restriction. You can't see that..?

Your wife has shortcomings and a lot to answer for. Going to Nepal when your parents were visiting isn't a good move and neither is giving monosyllabic answers to questions. I'm not giving her a pass on what's done, but the way I see it, you both have contributed to the state of your marriage. You by being unable to maintain some healthy distance from your parents and her for withholding sex.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Instead of speculating, maybe you too could have asked for clarification... I hope you realize that I'm not exactly going through a good time in life and am hence here. Ergo, trying to decipher words that I have used ("mean") based on a predisposed stereotypical view of a dominant MIL situation might not actually help. 

While I appreciate the effort you've put into responding, a little bit of empathy is all I'm asking from here. Did you follow the link I provided at the end of my last post? Ref: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/42839-back-square-one.html

I would love to read my wife's account on TAM too; but unfortunately you're stuck with my version of the story. FYI I had even forwarded her to this site. She didn't check it out as far as I know. 

I didn't say my parents are my best friends, they are two of my best friends. But they are still very much my parents, and I'm their son. Nonetheless, I'm no mama's boy. And neither am I or they "enmeshed" in any way. I think our bond is strong due to my sister's untimely death - at one point, I was taking care of them as one would care for children. 

Once again, you could have simply asked. Sorry if all that came across as harsh, wasn't my intention.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

So much reading and I apologize strange_bound if I have missed something. If I got this right you and your wife have never had sex and you were wondering if someone could be asexual. I do believe there are medical conditions that this could happen but is it possible she has been sexually assualted?


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

@needymom no, we in fact did have sex once but I forgot about it (long story - sorry - but check out this link if you want a holistic view of our marriage: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/42839-back-square-one.html).

My wife has never been sexually assaulted, AFAIK. I don't think she was lying or repressing anything in that regard.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

Strange_bound you have so many problems and I feel for you. I have some friends that have immigrated to Canada and some are loving it others are feeling so isolated and missing their families. I don't see a problem communicating with your parents daily. Don't stop it. My Mom passed away and my father remarried and I never see him. My husbands parents are both deceased. Your wife sounds so much like my son, he suffers from social anxiety and depression. He use to turn into a impossible monster in a blink of an eye. Medication and therapy has helped him. I hope your wife is still in therapy and I think you should go to. 
I don't want to say where I live but it is in the Northern Part of Canada. My friends that are from China/india that are the most happiest are very involved in cultural groups. Most of them want to become Canadian but also need to be connected to their roots. I will read your link to Back to square one. 
My marriage is a mess and I too have a sexless marriage it is very hard.


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## needymom (Sep 4, 2009)

I read the whole thread, and wow there is a lot. Your comment I'm so damaged psychologically that certain areas of my mind are apparently blocked out.. I just don't want to recall certain memories at all.
I have that problem too? What is up with that?? 
I don't have any answers to your problems. But like me I think you have to find a way to find your answers. Life is to short. 
You said you didn't know your wife as well as you thought when you got married. There are so many of us that can say the same thing.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Update: things seem to be finally working out! My wife is a much nicer, calmer and more understanding person now. She seems to realize how much I love her to have put up with her for all these years. No sex yet, but that's because I wanted to wait till her safe period (will use protection though). Her communication with my parents is improving slowly but steadily. It's not that we don't have the occasional fights, but they're very brief and not really fights at all. Moreover, she's working on "being the bigger person" in such situations, which helps. Also: she's more committed to solving our financial woes now, and hopefully I should be debt free within a few months.

All in all, my life is a lot better. Not perfect, but getting there (hopefully). I'm a much happier man and my productivity level has gone way up. I've also realized myself how much I really love her, because despite being through all that cr** I've never really desired another woman, let alone be in a relationship with somebody else.

There is one fear that lingers though: that this is a dream and one day everything will come crashing down. I really don't know what I'll do then - I don't think I'll be able to take it. That being said, I'm not a pessimist and I'm moving forward in my marriage with a positive and healthy mindset.

Thank you all for your support!


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

I am probably late replying to you here  however since I read most of the thread... Well, I too come from a similar background and it is not "traditional" for the wife keep her parent's address from where i come from. Usually the ladies would change their last name to the husband's last name, although not mandatory. In some place they change the first name as well, which I think doesn't make sense unless the girl herself wants to. Changing the address and last name to husband's last name and address is normal and convenient.

That being said, and as you have probably figured out ... the address issue is just a subconscious response from your wife so that she feels that she is retaining her identity... a self assuring mechanism. I guess the best way to fix this is to make sure she feels SECURE in your family. 

The address issue in itself is pretty trivial according to me and who cares about people who pass comments. However i guess it is crucial to fix the underlying issue. Joint marriage is not an easy scenario (esp for the wife) unless everybody is absolutely compatible with each other, which is not usually the case.

I haven't read all your posts.. However assuming that your wife is a reasonable-enough woman, see if you can be the catalyst in improving relations your wife has with rest of your folks. Try to look at things from her point-of-view, ask her if she has any concerns and take steps to fix them, come up with some protocols that would work for both of you. At the point she feels like she is the "daughter" (not the "daughter-in-law") in the house, she will change the address on her own.

And if nothing works... consider moving out with your wife. That was you can retain your family and your wife. Sometimes relations can be better maintained by staying far than staying very close to family. Hopefully your family will be understanding if it comes to that. 

Good Luck!


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am happy you are happy and things seem to be working out. It's nice that you are so in love with your wife. I tend to post what I see, rather than just agree with people.

Your post seems to place almost all of the blame on her and suggest that things are working better because she has now addressed her bad ways. But many thought that responsibility, need for change or fault if you will should be equally shared. Most of us thought your parents were at least equally at fault for any problems, and your wife faced an imposing task trying to enter a new home with her husband and parents. 

I would speak with her and acknowledge things you need to do better and work with her. Improvement in this relationship needs to come with a commitment of both people to put the marriage first, meet each other's needs, be flexible, communicate and address each other's concerns. Perhaps your subonscious worries and concerns reflect the need for that.


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## strange_bound (Feb 27, 2012)

Sorry for the late reply, and thanks for replying to my thread.

@eowyn I insisted that my wife didn't change her last name after marriage. I don't find it right that she would have to even consider doing that simply because she was born a woman. Simply my two cents here. I understand she'll use our home address once she feels like the daughter of the house but unfortunately I don't think that will ever happen - she bizarrely thinks it would be a "defeat" of her values if she would change her permanent address to ours.

@Bobby5000 I appreciate your perspective, but need to point out that yes, my parents do have their fair share of mistakes. But that share is nowhere near my wife's. I know I have come across as complaining and willing to lay the blame on my wife, but all I can say is that that is my honest opinion. My wife stopped talking to my father for a month over a very silly incident (being late at a party of a not-so-close relative); she ignored my parents for 12 weeks when they came abroad to meet us; and she foulmouthed about my entire family, blowing things way out of proportion. 

In my conservative culture all those things are unthinkable. And while it might seem, from a western lens, that my wife is a forward-thinking, righteous, independent woman who was haplessly born in a third-world country, then let me tell you this: a ***** is a ***** in any country, and that's what she has been like for the majority of my marriage.

Yes, things are a lot better now because she has grown up a lot as a person. But there are still moments that throw our relationship into disarray every once in a while. Today, for instance.. nevermind.

I know at the end of the day my thread is a one-sided story, and everyone will always judge my "facts" against that. I am too tired to fight that and will hereforth not even try. God bless all you people, and good night.


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

Don't be disheartened strange_bound. Have you tried explaining your perspective to her calmly (without fight or getting emotional) and how your parents and their respect is important to you. How she would feel if you were to treat her family without respect... How did she respond or what would her reaction be?


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