# More Advice



## AJoutWest (Jul 30, 2010)

A few months ago (August and September) I caught my wife emailing a co-worker and calls were made etc. I posted on the form here and followed the advice but the trail went cold. My wife left that company in August and went to a CPA firm to work. Her co-worker that I highly suspected was having a EA if not a PA with my wife moved to Seattle with his wife who got a new job up there. I have had a digital recorder in my wife's car and did pick up a couple of short conversations in late October but nothing damaging. It seems like they pulled back. 

Then BAM. I received in the mail two DVD's and a link to thre movies online. They'd be consider porn but its my wife making very passionate love to a guy that sure looks like her co-worker (quality is bad and you only see his face four times as my wife is on top, back to the camera). Well, in the movie you can see a woman from her back (never see her face) making love to a man. The DVD's came from Portland Oregon and one is images put into Movie Maker of the couple making love and the second apologizes for not getting a face shot but then goes through and with images of my wife naked in our bathroom (I assume through his cam) and then compares the hair, the shoulders, her fingers, her ears from behind from the movies where the man is making love to my wife at what I assume is his home to the images from one of the movies of my wife in our bedroom and bathroom, after taking a shower with the man, and then hanging up her towel. These images show her from behind and are zoomed in close to give a good comparison from the movies and pictures that were taken from the man's bedroom. I have to say, the guy convinces me that the woman in the movie making love to him (he claims to be the man and says he is doing this to make my wife choose who she is going to be with, to give her her freedom since she won't choose) is my wife. 

So, I have stronger evidence of them now having a PA, to be honest, I am convinced. I haven't confronted my wife yet, though I think she suspects because I just can't bring myself to touch her or for her to touch me right now. How do I confront? On Monday's we drive down to a city for her to teach piano and I am thinking on the hour drive back I am going to ask her if she is hiding something from me. 

Where am I personally? Hurt, very very hurt (been married for 25 years) and a week ago we had a couple where the wife had had a two year affair and it came out when her husband caught her at the lover's house (the video links the guy sent me are dated back to January 2010 and August 2011 and June 2012) and my wife brought it up. I asked her what she thought (we both feel if your that unhappy to have an affair you owe to the person your married to to be honest and end the marriage and then move forward with your life. Seems that's a lie) and she said the woman should have left and then got real quiet about it. In the past, my wife has been adamant about no fooling around. Oh, remember, we've been sexless for 3.5 years supposedly because of her health issues. Now I am certain that is about the time the affair started and my wife won't have sex with me and with her lover (she's a one man at a time gal). 

I'm lost and rambling so I'll end asking for advice. Do I confront her and let her know someone as the guy didn't name himself as her co-worker sent me video that shows her having sex with a lover? Do I move out? I'm 47 going on 48 in a few months and thought my wife and I would grow old together making love until we got too old and being together. I am so betrayed. On top of it our son is leaving in January for a long period to serve in our church (kids are 19, 20 in March and 18, 19 in April). My son is very religious, I feel I have a good balance of religious and reality but my wife who use to be religious, has quit participating and makes excuses for not going. Let me state also though, that I know there is usually blame for both members of the relationship and I can accept my responsibility and am pretty aware of what I've done. On the other coin, having a 3 year sexual affair is A LOT different in my book than have a fling for say 3 months. This is a choice and evidently her actions show that she prefers the other married man to me. Another part of me and knowing my wife I could see this, says she got her sexual satisfaction from him and doesn't want to end the marriage financially (I made a bundle in the tech boom of the mid to late 1990's and yes, if she cheated, I will bury her and yes, I have spoken to my lawyer and I am moving assets and that process has started. I have mine, and my wife has her inheritance from her parents which is hers and we handle our investments for each separate from each other while our salaries pay our bills and mortgage), nor does she want to end our relationship for some weird reason or have a negative impact on the family. 

I do know one thing, I will be okay after I work through this (I have to believe this). I endured a alcoholic and schezophranic mother at 17 and 18 after my father died, and though I think this challenge will equal that in terms of difficulty, I learned rom that experience, if it truly doesn't kill me, it will make me stronger and I will come out a better person . 

I'm a strong enough person to know that if she has done this, it is in the end a choice she made and is responsible for her choices. I've asked for 5 years to go to counseling and she has refused (I have been going on and off for 2 years and will be heading back next Monday). So what is your advice? Oh, I do have a GPS tracker on her car and Google Latitude and for 2.5 months nothing outside of work and home or with me on it. I keep the GPS and digital recorder taped under the seat for a LONG while. I guess in rambling I need to 

1. Contact my attorney on Friday (he told me to if something came up). 
2. Make sure my assets are secure and she cannot touch them. 
3. Do I need further proof or do I confront and how? 
4. Conditions I need to stay in the relationship are: 
a) All contact with the co-worker ends, period. She tells him with me on the phone its over and no more contact. 
b) Counseling, we both attend and we share equally in the costs insurance won't pick up after 12 visits. 
c) My wife as a CPA has handled our bills but now I handle the cell phone bill and other bills. 
d) Decide if the marriage is worth saving and is this what I want? Even more importantly I would have to know this is what she wants. Then comes forgiveness because I do feel very strongly, that I have to forgive for me, not for her. I will have to forgive even if we divorce because I feel it frees me (not from changing what caused it, but frees me from the bitterness, hate and anger that can destroy a life after such an event). What else, I'm not sure. Advice is welcome.


----------



## Helplease (Nov 8, 2012)

Sorry you are going through this.

All I can say is what I would do. Get my affairs in order (bank accts, lawyer...etc) then set her down and show her the videos. You don't need anymore evidence. There is no lying or gaslighting her way out of something like this. Good luck, hope you can work it out but this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Helplease said:


> Sorry you are going through this.
> 
> All I can say is what I would do. Get my affairs in order (bank accts, lawyer...etc) then set her down and show her the videos. You don't need anymore evidence. There is no lying or gaslighting her way out of something like this. Good luck, hope you can work it out but this would be an absolute deal breaker for me.


:iagree:

Im not trying to br hurtful here. But your "wife" has done to many
Thing's that to me ,it simply would be to many slaps in the face.

Denying you for 3.5 years,because she is one man kind a girl
And also allow her self to be taped the list can go on.


But these two things i mentioned. I honestley could not see my self
Getting pass it.


So please listen to Helpplease advice.

And im so sorry that the A hole OM sended you graphic proof,for you to see


----------



## Tryingtosmile (Nov 22, 2012)

I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Whether or not we know or agree with what it is or not. Be strong and do not make any decisions out of anger. In my experience, anything out of anger is usually followed by regret. You are already going through a lot as it is. Don't add to your own pain. 

Be strong and listen to your heart. I knows it's torn apart right now, but it's still a part of you that no one can tear away from you. 

Why did he send the DVDs? Why did she bring up the conversation you had in the car? Be very aware of your surroundings. 

Also, DO NOT involve anyone else into your marriage problems (meaning be careful on who you tell or seek guidance from). Talk to a family therapist or pastor, someone who is not in your daily or social life. At least with us in the forum, we don't know you. We don't know who your wife is. We won't have to see you at parties and gatherings. Be careful of the people and energy you bring into your world during this very challenging/vulnerable time in your life because if you do decide to work it out, you'll be surrounded by the people who know and who you'll and she'll not feel so comfortable around anymore. 

Good luck and Godspeed!


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You have enough proof with her pics in your bathroom with the other man, right ? Yes, confront her. Tell her you have enough visual evidence but you won't tell her what they are. And one more lie and you will divorce her while exposing her to the kids, families and mutual friends along with the evidence. She has one chance to come clean and if she can be honest this one time, you will respect her enough to be civil with her(married or separated)

looks like she had her fun affair and ended it with this particular guy.(Does not mean she is not having a different affair now). She did not want to leave you for some reason(shame, family, money or whatever reason) The scorned lover, in hopes of getting her back when you eventually throw her out, sent you the tapes that he probably recorded in secret...


You should also think about the serious disrespect these 3 years putting you in a lot of emotional pain while having sex with another guy..


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you think it was the OM that sent the proof or could it be the OMW.
I would find and contact OMW before confronting WW.

It appears you have your bases cover, but the exposure part!

Again I would look into the other aspects....the other side of the A by investigating the OM and OMW. Get some info on them and see what it yeilds.

Sure this guy mades some comments about forcing your wife to make a choice, but it doesn't make sence when OM is married and moves off with his wife. I almost have to believe it was said in jest for the fact that OM was also married.

What if it was OM new girl friend and is trying to break up the OM marriage?

Maybe the OM own M is going to sh!i and wants your wife back?

Maybe OM is forcing this and WW isn't interested?

I suggest you talk to your lawyer, he may even have a refrence for a good PI to get more on OM, get online and research OM and OMW, and then take a day or two to see what you can get and then expose to OMW before confronting WW.

In short you may want to know your enemy before you take an action. At least a few days of research on your part.....but it looks like money isn't a problem so invest in some professional help to know more then you do now about OM side of things.

It just doesn't make sense OM is risking his own marriage if infact he is still married, it might be OMW that sent this crap.


----------



## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

Soo soo sorry for the difficult time you're goign thru right now and it doesnt seem as if it's going to get any easier for now but like others have said already ....... confront your wife and speak to her to see if she is remorseful and if the relationship can survive her infidelity ?? Easier said then done ???

Things happen for a reason ...... better for you have found this out now than years from now. Getting counseling , pray for strength and move on. Trust me things happen for a reason !!


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your wife has a video of her online (most likely with out her consent) talk to a lawyer about that also. 

You might be able to take sever action againt OM or who ever did the posting. be care full here you could blow a chance to go nuclear on OM @ss! 

Think, make a plan with your lawyer 1st before showing your cards.


----------



## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Wow. Understand how complete her betrayal was to you.

To deny you sex for 3 plus years because she was being faithfull to her affair partner? 

If I were you I would not reveal all at once. I would tell her you want a divorce because she is not being honest with you. Let that sink in for a bit and give her a chance to save the marriage if she comes clean. 

If she spills the beans great.

If she trickle truths, you reveal something you know that shows she is lying. Then ask her again if that is all. If she lies to you again reveal another hand to show she is lying.

When and how you reveal the movies is up to you. I would not let her know at first, but rather save that for when she vehemently denies her affair. And I would not let her know there are several movies. She will probably say it was only one time, and then you show her the other movie.

The idea here is not to torture your wife, though she probably deserves it. It is to measure how honest your wife is being with you and to see how long it takes, if ever, for your wife to break and come clean.

If it were me, I would make copies of this DVD and keep it in storage away from the home. And then I would use these movies in leverage to get a good deal in the divorce. Yes, that is a **** move I know. But that is just me.

Good luck.


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You have enough proof with her pics in your bathroom with the other man, right ? Yes, confront her. Tell her you have enough visual evidence but you won't tell her what they are. And one more lie and you will divorce her while exposing her to the kids, families and mutual friends along with the evidence. She has one chance to come clean and if she can be honest this one time, you will respect her enough to be civil with her(married or separated)
> 
> looks like she had her fun affair and ended it with this particular guy.(Does not mean she is not having a different affair now). She did not want to leave you for some reason(shame, family, money or whatever reason) The scorned lover, in hopes of getting her back when you eventually throw her out, sent you the tapes that he probably recorded in secret...
> 
> ...


I agree that this is probably what happened.

No need to wait on the confrontation. Do it now. Don't take any drive to piano lessons.

Do it like warlock says. Don't tell her how you know or what you know. Don't give her any indication at all of what you know or how you know it. Just tell her you KNOW and tell her if she tells one lie, then you will end it all. 

She will never tell you the truth on the first try, so don't expect it. After she lies the first time and tells you it was just a brief fling, only a kiss, only had sex once, or whatever lie or minimization she will come up with, give her a hint and tell her you know it goes back at least a few years, tell her you can't reveal your sources but you already know a lot. Tell her after she is done with her story, if you don't believe something, you will ask her to take a polygraph. At this point you may get a quarter of the truth or half of the truth. There's a good chance you will catch her in a lie again and you hardly know anything.

No sex for 3.5 years? Now these tapes show up? It takes a few years for that "in love" feeling to run its course, so I guess that's what happened with your wife. She now loves the other man but is not "in love" with him, hence he still feels he has a chance with your wife, he perceives that she "can't make up her mind." (You will be in that situation also right after the confrontation, so don't be fooled by it.) She loves you but is not "in love" with you also. So don't be surprised if she is rather calm about the whole thing. 

If she does get upset, it's likely because her only real fear is exposure, especially to the kids, she is not afraid of losing you.

Don't be fooled by her like other man is. It's over with him, but he doesn't know it, he thinks if you leave her she will come back to him, but I doubt it. I think it's over for you, too, though she may say she will try to work on it with you while she figures out her next move or for fear of exposure.

Cheaters lie and they are very convincing. Be ready and do what's best for you. Don't look at her like the honest wife you know. Look at her and listen to her like you would a person you just met who you already know has been caught in a deceitful act, give her the same level of belief and trust you would give that person, in other words be very skeptical of every single thing she says.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I understand the photoes of your wife in your bathroom are set in stone with regards to her knowledge of the photoes, but do the sex videos seem like your wife has knowledge of the recorder.

My point agian is going nuclear on OM.

In addition I aggree with warlocko7 when it comes to the confrontation, my thinking is before the OM gets warned by your WW after confrontation, you may want to investigate OM and online activities regarding your wife and the vedeos take with or with out your wifes knowledge.


----------



## AJoutWest (Jul 30, 2010)

Thank you for your advice. While out for my morning walk I called my lawyer (he is a friend also) to let him know I needed to talk tomorrow and he came to me and we talked. He is going to hire a PM to find out some things but feels that I need to confront my wife now. Whether I stay or not is my decision but he strongly advised that prior to the confrontation that I get a second place to stay at on my own (I have no family in the area I live). I have the means so I am going to heed that advice and rent a place on a month to month basis. 

The more I've thought about it, the more I realize no matter what, I can't stay with her and to be honest, I deserve better than that. I acknowledge I am far from perfect but I have never done anything to drive her away or into this. For some reason she wanted another man, and bottom line, she can have him. Oh, the other man or ex co-worker was married once, his first wife left him for another man, and then he met online and then married his second wife who is from the Philippines and has a Masters in Engineering. His wife came her to marry him and be with him. My lawyer is going to contact her after I confront. In terms of confronting, it will happen Monday. Luckily for me my ex-wife (that is how I am viewing this) has to move her 84 year old mother to a new care facility on Friday so I am going to head out to find a new temporary place to live. Please don't say I should keep the house, no, the house will be sold, the proceeds split since both our incomes have gone into it and I don't want to live there. 

I think the hardest part will be cutting all ties but my lawyer said that he can handle the bulk of that and I need to focus on moving forward with my life and not looking back. Sometimes the circumstances of life suck but life itself is good in a weird way. At least I have no more doubts, I believe the path is clear and I can pursue my life in a way that I hope brings meaning for it and eventually will lead to an opportunity to share the happiness and joy that life brings me with someone who wants to be with me. I love music and right now Had Enough by LifeHouse seems like a very appropriate song.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good for you brother, sorry you have to belong to a club nobady wants to join.
What about going nuclear on OM? are you going to expose the A to his 2nd wife? At the very least name him in the divorce papers.
Will you add the video's to the divorce papers?


----------



## AJoutWest (Jul 30, 2010)

In this others may not agree, but ending the marriage is enough. I will ensure that financially what is mine and what I have earned is protected, period. I will have to purchase a new home, but this time I purchase what I want and where I want it (want my new home on some land in a rural area). So yes, unfortunetly the videos will part of the divorce I would think as they prove it was her unfaithfulness that caused the divorce and she should not be rewarded for that. The items we share jointly will be divided 50/50 I hope and making it easier to walk away. I'll let my lawyer handle that as he is very, and I mean VERY good. The settlement will allow her to keep her parents inheiritance and that is significant including residual income from a farm that is rented. 

In terms of the OM, no, I'm not going ballistic. I refuse to fall down to that level. Am I going to let his wife know if she doesn't? Heck YES. She is a U.S citizen now and has a very successful career so she can do what she wants with the knowledge. Not sure how that works in Fillipino culture but I don't think from what I know of her, she'll tolerate the unfaithfulness at all.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I wish I could hit the like button twice but I can't.

For a minute there, when you 1st started writing I thought for sure your weren't going to expose to OMW. Your are good man for doing so!

Are you going to expose to her side of the family?


----------



## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

make extra copies of the tape/evidence. Put one copy safe offsite.

Get tested for a full panel of STDs and other communicable diseases like Hepatitis, etc.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Are you SURE it is him and your wife? It would be fairly simple to produce a low quality video with someone close enough in look to pass as your wife in such a fashion. 

Why would someone do this? Well, you throw her out (for no reason, from HER POV as it wasn't her on the video) he could step in as her knight on horseback and 'save' her.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

MattMatt you make some what of a good point in calling it a set up, but someone took those pics of OP wife In his bathroom and it wasn't OP.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Maybe he saw the wedding ring on in the videos....OP sounds pretty confident with the evidence.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

After being with her for 25 years I'm sure he at least recognizes her body language.


----------



## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

I'm with mattmatt, you need to 100% sure!!

Am I right in reading that there is no pic of her face at all???

Does your wife have tats/birth marks/ scars?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Michie said:


> I'm with mattmatt, you need to 100% sure!!
> 
> Am I right in reading that there is no pic of her face at all???
> 
> ...


They where making "passionate love" so i would assume that
OP after 25years would some how recognize,some things involved.
But even so.The Pic is enough.


----------



## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

Also OP's wife is knowingly naked with other man in OP marital bedroom/bathroom. That in and of itself speaks volumes. 

I think you have all the proof you need. To confront I'd leave the DVD playing in the bedroom and have divorce papers sitting on the bed.


----------



## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

First question he needs to ask himself is how he'll be able to live with her after seeing those images. They'll haunt him for the rest of his life.


----------



## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

keko said:


> First question he needs to ask himself is how he'll be able to live with her after seeing those images. They'll haunt him for the rest of his life.


He's not going to. He's already referring to her as his ex wife. But regardless of him living with her or not, the video will haunt him for ages to come. I imagine watching porn could also be a trigger. 

Stay strong man.


----------



## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Fantastic.. but your emotions will be on a roller coaster for some quite. Acknowledge that


----------

