# Is he bored of me and life together???



## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

BRIEF SUMMARY FOR ANYONE WHO CAN RELATE...my H and i met at age 16 married at age 18 and now have 2 kids together and going on 7yrs. we are now 22yrs old. im still in love with him as he is with me...its seems that he is unhappy or bored...hes not really into doing family activities or outdoor activities...hes more into drinking and going out...ive slowed down on that and rather hang out at home or do something simple with little drinking...hes always looking to do something lately hell go with his friends to drink and ask if its ok and ill be ok with it but he never invites me...hell come home late or drunk and annoying. it bothers me now that he drinks alot...when we met we both partied and drink but i slowed down after my babys...when will he??? i dont want that example for my kids and i will walk out for their sake...for ex. just last night he was up drinking i woke up at 3am and he wanted to leave to keep going...im not afraid to speak my mind and what i feel so i forced him to go to bed and we argued...i dont understand why he feels the need...i grew out of it but he has not...how do i make him stop? he also told me he misses bieng in the army where he would have free weekends to be out all night and drink all that he wanted...i told him if he dosent want the role of a husband and father hes free to go...i dont want to live like this knowing hes not happy wasting my time...but he never responds and says im over reacting...what to do??? ive put up with alot because im strong and have faith...but there comes the time where enough will be enough...or am i boring??? im lost


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, what a difficult spot for you. I don't think you are boring, but I do think he is 22. This is why I think young, young marriages frequently do not work. He's watching all his friends go out drinking, partying, all the things that young men do, and he cannot. I'm not saying he's right about this, but I am saying it's understandable.

What you need to do is find a calm way to talk to him about it. He cannot be a responsible husband and father this way -- which I suspect is the problem. But you cannot hear what he has to say if you approach it in an accusatory fashion.

Marriage counseling would probably be helpful to you.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

How often do you have sex?


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

My sister and her husband were married really young. Right after their first child was born, the H was trying to live like he was young and "single". His single friends were constantly inviting him to parties and bars, and he was quick to attend. After several huge arguments and a few months of nearly breaking up, they had a talk. 

My sister pointed out the obvious to her very young, completely overwhelmed by life, new baby and scared to death husband that all his hanging out with those single guys and bar hopping was putting him in danger of losing his family. She reminded him that his friends were out, every night and all weekend trying to find, in some woman, what he already had: a wife, a mother of his children, a partner for life.

He shaped up and they are still together 29 years later (this month!). ....true story....


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

we both considered marriage counseling and he is willing to do so but we never set anything up...i have talked to him about it and he has slowed down...he started drinking alot when he got out the army right after his father committed suicide...this year he has slowed down alot after i left him for 5months...he begged back and he drinks less but still relapses...i dont know if it has anything to do with the fact that we live at my house with my parents where we have little space and privacy...he mentions plans and desires his own house with just me and the kids...and he feels stuck where were at...but we both work and he wants to acheive that goal nxt year...and sex...we do it like twice a week or sometimes 3x...hes clearly satisfied with that...but when he is drunk i reject him because i dont like to do it when hes drunk and im sober and he cant even keep his eyes open...


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## Peachy Cat (Apr 15, 2012)

He needs to consider, along with the marriage counseling, that he may have a problem with alcohol addiction.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This doesn't sound like your problem. It sounds like his problem. I'd tell him to either grow up and start being a husband and father or leave. If he needs help with his drinking, find some AA meetings.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

i would love for my ending to be the same! its been 7yrs and i love him like when we met...i want to be part of that small percentege of young married couples that actually make it


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Drover said:


> This doesn't sound like your problem. It sounds like his problem. I'd tell him to either grow up and start being a husband and father or leave. If he needs help with his drinking, find some AA meetings.


Well technically it's both of their problem since they do have kids together, they are in a committed relationship, so therefore it's important for both to work through rough times like this together. It's her problem on the account that she has to worry about his health, how it effects the kids, ect and it's his on account that he needs to make effort to change himself for the better and get his priorities straight. This is just my view on it of course. OP I know where your comming from with the going out and drinking, my own H used to do this and he is an alcoholic. He's never went to a meeting of course .. however he did choose to straighten up his act when I did sit down and tell him, as well as his mother(His mother was enabling that behavior as she is an alcoholic herself) that if he could not act the part of a father and H then he could enjoy going out drinking as a single man and I would see him in court to determine who gets the kids on when. I made it a point to tell him that he has responsibilities as a father and a husband.. and if he was incapable of taking on those responsibilities then we were through. I also told both that I would not tolerate having such a negative influence around my kids. If you two can afford it, counseling is a great idea imo.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

his father (may he rest in peace) was a great man but suffered with severe alcoholism wich lead to suicide from it and being unhappy...his uncle also committed suicide before his father...his uncle was his fathers brother...it runs in his family...and i do know for a fact he has a drinking problem...ive set boundaries like only drinking friday and sat...i feel like im his mother and he hates when i do that and treat him like a kid with rules...i hate doing that but i cant just sit and watch him do it...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's 22 and realizing what he gave up in order to be a husband and father.

Way too young. Your brains aren't even developed completely yet.

But since you're here...talk to him about these things. He sounds depressed.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

*EarlyLove* said:


> his father (may he rest in peace) was a great man but suffered with severe alcoholism wich lead to suicide from it and being unhappy...his uncle also committed suicide before his father...his uncle was his fathers brother...it runs in his family...and i do know for a fact he has a drinking problem...ive set boundaries like only drinking friday and sat...i feel like im his mother and he hates when i do that and treat him like a kid with rules...i hate doing that but i cant just sit and watch him do it...


I know that feeling all to well as I often feel the same way at times. My H still drinks on occasion but only when I tell him it's alright.. and then I have to tell him when I feel he's had enough. My H lost his father at an early age, not sure at what age but again I know how that is.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He's 22 and realizing what he gave up in order to be a husband and father.
> 
> Way too young. Your brains aren't even developed completely yet.
> 
> But since you're here...talk to him about these things. He sounds depressed.


I wouldn't say your brains aren't developed completely.. but i do agree that perhaps it's him feeling like he is missing out on the "party days" so to speak.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

But Gaia, it's been scientifically proven that the brains of young people, especially males, do not fully develop until they are 25. It's not a judgment, it's a fact.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He's 22 and realizing what he gave up in order to be a husband and father.
> 
> But since you're here...talk to him about these things. He sounds depressed.


:iagree: with this.. talk talk talk to him.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

he is in fact a 22 year old guy . he is doing what all 22 year old guys do . you did not grow out of it so much as you were forced to change due to you being the primary caregiver . he has not been forced to change like you have . 

you two went from being teenagers to being parents . the best course of action is to attempt to have a real , and honest discussion with him about what his responsibilities are as a father to his kids . about what you expect from him as your spouse . and based on the outcome of that you need to do what is best for you and your kids . 

as far as him not inviting you to go out with him . why does he have to give you a specific invite to go out with him on a particular night ? are you not allowed to go out with him ?


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

i just tried to talk to him now about it on the phone since im at work...and he dosent want to communicate...he yelled at me saying hes tired of me nagging and controlling him not letting him breath or do anything...i told him am i suppose to sit quietly and watch you drink so much and let you go where you want and be out all night when i dont trust that you will know when to have your last drink!!! and he said to just leave him alone and hung up...i feel thats his alcoholism talking to me...im at work crying now...maybe things would be better if i was by myself...that ways i wouldnt have to stress over his issues...


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

lamaga said:


> But Gaia, it's been scientifically proven that the brains of young people, especially males, do not fully develop until they are 25. It's not a judgment, it's a fact.


Maybe... but science does change it's facts regularly over the years. (Not saying this because I'm dismissing science... saying this because they find out new things over the years as science advances) Of course... alcohol probably doesn't help with the brains development either. Regardless I do agree that counseling and talking is the best option.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

*EarlyLove* said:


> i just tried to talk to him now about it on the phone since im at work...and he dosent want to communicate...he yelled at me saying hes tired of me nagging and controlling him not letting him breath or do anything...i told him am i suppose to sit quietly and watch you drink so much and let you go where you want and be out all night when i dont trust that you will know when to have your last drink!!! and he said to just leave him alone and hung up...i feel thats his alcoholism talking to me...im at work crying now...maybe things would be better if i was by myself...that ways i wouldnt have to stress over his issues...


^^^Ouch .. perhaps you should have waited till you were off work?? I think that would have been best....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

well, I don't want to be too hard on you, early, but that was exactly the wrong way to approach it.

a) you were at work, so couldn't fully concentrate on the issue.
b) on the phone? Difficult conversations should never be held on the phone
c) any time things disintegrate into yelling, you need to stop
d) try asking him, not accusing him
e) they might, but I think you want to give it a chance.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

when hell say hes going to watch the game for ex with friends...i even ask why im not invited...he always says i didnt say you couldnt go at all...your welcome to meet us there if u want...but when i go somewhere i always ask if he wants to go...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

But he's not you.

If he's asked you many times and you have refused, he has probably stopped asking you. I'd go to the game if I were you. If you set this up as you=anti-fun, you're not going to get very far.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

this is not a conversation to have over the phone . it has to be done face to face . if he is unwilling to work with you to make your relationship better for you both then you have his answer .


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

*EarlyLove* said:


> when hell say hes going to watch the game for ex with friends...i even ask why im not invited...he always says i didnt say you couldnt go at all...your welcome to meet us there if u want...but when i go somewhere i always ask if he wants to go...


I normally against the whole.. gender generalization thing.. however.. I have noticed that men tend to assume .. in situations like this.. that if their spouse wanted to come along.. they would just up and come along, whereas us females always tend to ask and see first.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

thank you guys so much for talking to me...i barely found this website when i googled husband bored of wifes...and he called me first to ask where something was at the house and added on that i was acting like "B" last night when i forced him to go to sleep...if i didnt he would keep drinking and trying to go out! so thats when i stepped in the conversation and did not end well...i always tell him that i nagg because i care and want to get it into his thick skull...other than that when hes sober and home he get along sooo good!!! at times i even hear myself sound controlling but what else can i do to help him??? and will not sit and watch him do that...do i shut up and leave him alone??? or kick him out if he wants to live up to his drinking and going out ways...


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I'll echo what I said in my first comment -- you need marriage counseling. You guys are stuck in a very unproductive loop of miscommunications, and you need professional help to help you break out of it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well .. I would suggest that if he starts in on you at work.. then you cut the conversation short, tell him you will discuss this matter when you get home, then hang up.


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

just this past thursday he asked if he can watch the game at a bar i said ok...he said he would come after the game...he didnt show up until after 3am with 2 blown out tires!!! as if he ramed into a curve or something and saw his 70$ receipt from the bar with all kinds of drinks!!! i got upset and blew up!!! and he said it wasent a big deal since he has full coverage...my jaw dropped as if he didnt know or realized that this kind of things are serious!!! come on now how could i not get mad at that and argue with him over it...and on top of it all...he ended up being mad at me for going off on him about the situation...as if its normal


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

lamaga i think thats what i need to do asap...and speak with his mother and sister wich he hates when i do and involve them but i see it as if he dosent listen to me maybe he will listen to them??? 
gaia wow!!! wish u wrote that earlier...i should of done that instead of barking back...im very blunt and speak what i feel alot...i will talk to him again after work...we did have plans to go watch brave with the kids today if...if were still on...sometimes i hate that i love him sooo much!!! i wouldnt care or hurt if i didnt...


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

To begin with, get your focus off of him for a minute and put the spotlight on yourself. Your husband doesn't see his drinking as a problem. He owns it. He, alone, has the right to decide whether or not he has a problem.

On the other hand, you DO have a problem with his drinking. And your problem is legitimate. I've been married to two alcoholics, and my "alkie antenna" is telling me one of two things: (1) your husband is still indulging in early 20-something, single-guy behavior; or, (2) you have an alcoholic on your hands.

If he doesn't want to get into counseling, go yourself. A husband crawling in the door at 2 or 3 a.m. blasted is not acceptable. Now, he may outgrow it. Or, as I mentioned, you have an alcoholic on your hands.

Reconsider involving his family. He may listen to them, but he will probably resent the he!! out of you talking with them about his personal issues.

You've left before. He promised to cut back on the boozing. Now he's back up to full speed. This is a form of manipulation. And alcoholics are brilliant manipulators/blame shifters, and turn-the-tables people.

Ever heard of Al-Anon? You might benefit from being able to vent in a room full of people who have walked in your shoes. It's not for everyone, but the only request made of newbies is they try six meetings. 

I started going in 1996, and it didn't make any sense to me at all. Why? Because NOBODY was telling me how to get the alkie in my life sober. Nobody was telling me how to make him stop drinking so I would be happy. After all, HIS drinking was making ME miserable. See, it was about ME. I was miserable. The alkie? Zoned out in laa-laa land and happy as a clam to be getting boozed up regularly with his buddies.

You have an issue with another person's drinking. It is impacting YOUR life. Get the help and support you need from people who will understand just what you are going through.

At least give it some serious consideration ....


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## *EarlyLove* (Jun 24, 2012)

thank you prodigal...i will try anything because i would hate to give up...i really hope he does outgrow it or stops and opens his eyes...


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