# Need Help Resolving An Argument



## zerocool1976 (Sep 1, 2014)

Hi, I need a bit of help. My fiancé and I are in an argument at the moment. It’s a little thing, but it points to a bigger thing that I’m concerned about.

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THE SITUATION
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She’s out of state right now and she just finished delivering a weekend workshop. Understandably she’s tired and her voice hurts. She called me last night with barely enough energy to talk for a few minutes. Today she gave the last day of her workshop and called me in the evening.

I was looking forward to talking with her. After only a few minutes on the phone, she had to go because her sister was calling her and she said she’d call me back once she was done with her sister. I figured this would be a fairly short call since she was tired, so I just hung out, surfed the web, and waited for her to call me back. I hadn’t talked with her much all weekend, and I missed her.

It ended up being 45 minutes instead of the 15-20 or so I expected. The only reason I thought to ask her (via Facebook message) if she was off the phone with her sister was because she was on Facebook liking my posts and commenting on them. I asked her if she was done with her sister, and it turns out that she was and then went and started doing something else on the computer with the person she’s staying with. If she was going to do that, it’s cool, but a heads up would have been nice.

When she did call me, I very calmly told her I was a little upset (not majorly upset) that she told me she’d call me back after her sister and then didn’t. 

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HER REACTION
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She began telling me that I’m too sensitive, and that she needs me to not be “upset over every little thing”. Then she gives me a laundry list of how many times SHE was upset with ME and didn’t complain about it. She basically told me that I need to be more understanding and that if I’m going to be so sensitive, this relationship is never going to work. She says I need to not sweat the small stuff… only it seems everything I ever get upset about is “small stuff” to her.

So just to be clear, if I’m upset that she didn’t keep her word about calling me back, then I’m in the wrong because I’m “too sensitive”? I realize no one can keep their word 100% of the time, but isn’t it normal to have a negative reaction when someone tells you they’ll do something and then they don’t? And if it’s the person you’re going to marry, isn’t it okay to share that with them?

She wouldn’t even acknowledge or discuss my upset or how I might be feeling. When I pointed that out to her, she says, “Well you’re not being sensitive to ME right now. I’m tired and my voice hurts, and I need you to be more understanding, and also you did this, this, this, and that. If I was as sensitive as you, we’d never have made it to the third date.”

She’s now telling me that we should do a year of therapy in order to try and understand each other. 

I’m not sure what to do or now to approach this with her, because whenever I bring things like this up, it’s always because I’m “too sensitive”. This seems to me to be a classic example of gaslighting.

And if you don’t know what gaslighting is, it’s basically when you have a grievance with someone and instead of dealing with the content of your grievance, they sidestep it and make you wrong for having the grievance in the first place. As if there’s something wrong with you for being displeased with them.

Example:

Person 1: Honey, I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.

Person 2 (doing the gaslighting): I always have to walk on eggshells when I’m around you. You’re so sensitive.

When someone communicates an upset, common gaslighting responses are:

1: You’re always over-reacting.
2: You’re always so dramatic.
3: You’re always accusing me of things.
4: What about all the stuff you’ve done to ME?

She said all 4 of them in our conversation.

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UPDATE
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A while after we finished arguing (and as I was writing this), she texted me and said:

“If you think I’m doing gaslighting to you, you should break up with me. One side of you is so loving, warm, and caring. And the other accuses me of gaslighting and such crazy things. I’m going crazy with your dual bi-polar behavior.”

(FYI, I’m not bi-polar, and she’s the one who exploded in anger when I brought this issue up to her.)

Would you be willing to help? I love her and I’m not sure how to approach this. This is the same woman who said yes to marrying me recently, and it’s upsetting. Any advice would be appreciated.

Thanks,
Jason


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Jason, welcome to the TAM forum. You are right, of course, that she should have apologized for failing to call you back as she had promised. Yet, every adult on the planet occasionally gets upset and cranky -- especially when tired, cranky, and suffering from a sore throat -- and then refuses to apologize to a loved one for having offending them. Hence, if this incident is the worst thing you can say about your out-of-town fiancee, you should consider yourself lucky. Unless you can point to numerous such events and a history of her being abusive, I suspect you are being overly sensitive on this matter and you should just cut her some slack, recognizing that she was just in an irritable mood due to the circumstances.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So she was late by 20 minutes of your expectation of her calling you back.

THAT *****!

She must have been cheating on you. Throw her ass OUT!



Now, can't you see how silly this all is?

Relax, dude. If 20 minutes is gonna make or break your relationship, then you really should call it quits.


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Jason, you sound like one of those people who believe the world turns because you're on it. 

Frankly, you come off whiny and if you pulled the "you are gaslighting me" crap on her on the phone when she was tired, you're more interested in fighting than solving problems. (It sounds like you just heard the term recently and are over using it or applying it to tangential issues. And, actually you're not entirely correct about its definition which includes pathological or evil intent.)

Man up and stop sounding like a pathetic yutz.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Good lordy. Ever hear of pick and choose your battles...

This is not one of them, if you have trust issues not caused by her maybe you should explore that. People are human, sh!t happens.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Therapy would help for communicating. 

What she is doing is blameshifting - not gaslighting. She essentially is saying that it's your own fault you're upset because you're too sensitive. She would be gaslighting if she told you that she did call you and the two of you talked - crazy making.

Keeping on topic is essential to solving disputes. No dragging every wrong or grievance into the conversation.

But, look on the bright side: at least you know her sister ranks higher than you so you know where you stand.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You were anxious to talk to her. She was not anxious to talk to you. Do you feel you are the one who loves more? Who cares more about the relationship? Some women prefer men who don't wear their heart on their sleeve. Is she one? Does she think you're too needy? You need to talk to her about this when things are calm. Couples counseling might be good.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Ever heard of making a mountain out of a mole hill?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If she was truly tired.. and giving a workshop for 2 days or more can really be exhausting.. she could have easily spaced out after she hung up from talking with her sister.

I agree with her. The two of you need to go to counseling to learn how to discuss things and handle silly stuff like this.

If she cannot have a 20 minute space out without you blowing up then she'd be nuts to stay with you.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

> So just to be clear, if I’m upset that she didn’t keep her word about calling me back, then I’m in the wrong because I’m “too sensitive”? I realize no one can keep their word 100% of the time, but isn’t it normal to have a negative reaction when someone tells you they’ll do something and then they don’t? And if it’s the person you’re going to marry, isn’t it okay to share that with them?


One of the most important things I have learned about relationships is that it's rarely WHAT we're trying to say that causes the problem. It's HOW we say it. If there is any hint of blame, even if our goal is not to blame but instead, to feel like someone cares for us, then people will defend themselves. They don't want to feel like failures. When they defend themselves, the blamer feels like they are NOT cared for, and the fight goes on. 

In my marriage, one of our only "rules" is to not allow blame. It creeps in, but when we recognize it and force a time out until a message can be conveyed without blame, it makes for a much easier resolution. 

You and your lady are both right, and both wrong. It *is* concerning that you are accusing her (BLAMING) her of gaslighting regularly enough that she can predict when you're going to say that. It would be worthwhile to seriously consider if she IS addressing what you want to address but you're simply ignoring her responses, or if she truly is evading talking. If you aren't compatible in this, it can pose some serious issues as time goes on.


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## zerocool1976 (Sep 1, 2014)

I appreciate the responses, everyone (minus the unhelpful and belligerent ones). She came home from the workshop today. Lots of discussion, debate, and arguing ensued, but so did lots of closeness and making up. It's helpful for me to learn the term blame shifting, and I can see that it's not the same as gaslighting. I just didn't know any other term to describe what she was doing, and gaslighting was the closest.

I spoke with a psychologist today and he said that my reaction was totally normal. When someone doesn't keep their word to you, it triggers attachment panic. We're still learning how to handle it when it occurs in each of us, but that's what happened. Someone not keeping their word isn't a trigger for her, but it is for me. Still working through it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Was she wrong? Yes.

You were more wrong in the way you handled it.

As the male in the relationship, it's important that you act like the male. Her comments are totally in line with what woman expects from a man.

If she did not call you back in time, you tell her that you expect her to call you back in time. Then drop it, and monitor what she does in the future after you make your expectations known to her.

No need for all this relationship harming discussion.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

CantePe said:


> Good lordy. Ever hear of pick and choose your battles...
> 
> This is not one of them,


:iagree::smthumbup:


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Was she wrong? Yes.
> 
> You were more wrong in the way you handled it.
> 
> ...


:iagree: this.

+ what KathyB said; it's HOW we say things. 

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

― Maya Angelou

...it seems you both are looking to define your places, and some precedent in the relationship. Right now, she's the one looking to set terms and have her space a bit, and you're the clingy/needy man. Careful, it's not atrractive long term.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

zerocool1976 said:


> Hi, I need a bit of help. My fiancé and I are in an argument at the moment. It’s a little thing, but it points to a bigger thing that I’m concerned about.
> 
> **************************
> THE SITUATION
> ...


 I must say... I am a little surprised by those who jumped all over you... I would not call you too sensitive (the clingy needy man)... I very much appreciate when people TRY to keep their word.. and when they fall short...they acknowledge this with some humility.. this goes a long way in relationship dynamics and with this attitude....it shows that our partner does care about us and our feelings...

When someone jumps to blame shift ...(what I feel she did).... It puts a very sour taste in our mouths... Was that called for here ? Almost seems some think it's not a big deal...

I wouldn't like it either.. this idea that EVERYONE acts like this once in a while...well.....I'm not even going to agree with that.. I don't think myself or H has ever had an argument over something this silly.. if I miss the mark... I ADMIT IT out right... I apologize..* and I WANT him to tell me how he feels*.. absolutely!!... and when he misses the mark -he is self aware enough to realize he could have handled that better...he is very quick to acknowledge this...(what a blessing!).. 

There is no shame in saying.. "Oh I am so sorry, I should have gotten back to you right after... I didn't know it would upset you this much...I will try to do better next time.. though it's sweet you just wanted to hear my voice!"...

Imagine how the night could have been saved.. When our partners are upset.. we need to remove ourselves.. and imagine how we would feel.. Yes, this is was SMALL SCALE, I agree.. 

But that Laundry list she was ready to beat you with sounds concerning ....Just how often does she call you "too sensitive".. can you give some other examples ??

I guess I may question your* long term compatibility* if this is a *frequent issue* between the 2 of you...


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

Is she also LD in the sex department? My wife does the things you said she does. Talking about personal stuff, then a few minutes later it just vanishes from her brain.

Like she is working at home, and I say "jeez I'd really like to get laid at lunch time"...and 1:20 rolls around, and my balls are blue. You have to remind them...a lot


and BTW, hack the Gibson.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I must say... I am a little surprised by those who jumped all over you... I would not call you too sensitive (the clingy needy man)... I very much appreciate when people TRY to keep their word.. and when they fall short...they acknowledge this with some humility.. this goes a long way in relationship dynamics and with this attitude....it shows that our partner does care about us and our feelings...
> 
> When someone jumps to blame shift ...(what I feel she did).... It puts a very sour taste in our mouths... Was that called for here ? Almost seems some think it's not a big deal...
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_

It is my impression from reading the scenario that this is not an isolated event...that his fiancee seems frustrated about an ongoing extreme sensitivity on his end (if you read what he says some of her comments were). I think ongoing grievances over small things can become a huge problem, maybe that is the current status of the relationship....Maybe she is so saturated by that dynamic that she isn't able to deal with issues as they come up effectively anymore??


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

I think it may be a personality thing. My H has gone out of town before for his work & I have never gotten upset with him for not calling me back. He & I aren't telephone people per se, so our phone conversations are to the point & we get off the phone. You don't know how many times my H has told me he would call me back after dinner & instead he conked out or had some beers with co-workers. Although him keeping his word on calling back would be nice, it doesn't upset me. I know I will see him soon & then I can show him how much I have missed him.

This situation right here would've never escalated into an argument in my marriage. I'm not a phone person & neither is he....so I guess that is why it's nothing to us.


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## Soma289 (Sep 2, 2014)

OP: You are being too sensitive about this issue. People easily get distracted, especially if they won't feel well, so it's not a stretch that she was a bit late calling you back. In fact, it sounds a lot arrogant on your part to expect her to stick "to the schedule".

As for her keeping a laundry list of your flubs, she may feel like she has no choice if you are constantly coming at her, sound accusatory. 

Try to lighten up. Otherwise you are going to push her away.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Livvie said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> It is my impression from reading the scenario that this is not an isolated event...that his fiancee seems frustrated about an ongoing extreme sensitivity on his end (if you read what he says some of her comments were). I think ongoing grievances over small things can become a huge problem, maybe that is the current status of the relationship....Maybe she is so saturated by that dynamic that she isn't able to deal with issues as they come up effectively anymore??


That's why I was asking him for more details....you may see extreme sensitivity, but I may see a woman who is too independent and not into him.. and he is the sort of man who ENJOYS , thrives on being very close to someone ...more romantic / togetherness and SHE IS NOT THAT TYPE.. better to find a woman more like himself..who is sensitive to his care... cause she isn't going to cut it !!

As JustTired pointed out,* it likely IS a personalty thing*.. I would NOT be happy if my H PROMISED to call me back.then went & got drunk with a bunch of guys & conked out.. I'd be freaking worried about him.. probably call the damn hotel.. .. but he isn't that sort of man so this has never been a problem for us....

When he's away , we hardly talk... check in on FB for a small session, maybe one phone call for 5 minutes in the am..... I'm good.. it's about knowing where he is and he's safe... why we check in.. and keep our promises..


What I am looking at here is..not the calling, it's saying something casually you just blew off.. people should be more careful what they say..that's all.. This fosters trust.. and dependability..


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## changedbeliefs (Jun 13, 2014)

If you need counseling before you're even married, what is the point? That's like buying a car that needs to be taken to the mechanic before you buy it. Lots of other options out there that wouldn't be broken from the start. To push through this is, IMHO, akin to saying, "I just want to be married to someone, and this person is willing, so I'm going with it, even though there are stark problems from the outset."


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

If more people went to counseling before getting married, there would be fewer divorces. Pre-marital counseling covers a gamut of potential issues that most people never considered due to the rose colored glasses of being love. 

Relying on the philosophy of "we'll work through whatever comes up" is not a plan for a successful marriage. My fiance tried this approach and the minister and I stood firm. Many potential issues were headed off at the pass before the vows were taken.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

I got married under the philosophy of "we will work through whatever comes up". My wife and I figured it out. 

I think it's a good philosophy. The problem is that too many people get married believing that nothing will come up, being in love and all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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