# Am I selfish and irresponsible?



## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

Will keep this short to ensure it gets read. 

Wife wants to go out to a bachelorette party tomorrow night - I had planned to stay home with the kiddo for the night.

I get a text from my buddies, who I have now not seen in over a month, a day ago asking if I can come help them side a house and then go to a football game later in the evening. Awesome! However this is going to be an all day thing: side from 8AM until 4-5PM and then football at 7PM to 9 or 10PM.

I call baby sitter - she is lined up and can come at 4PM giving wife 3 hours to get ready. This was not enough time as she just wanted 'one day to herself' - so I call mother in law - she is lined up to be here at 11AM and I will go late to siding to appease her - so now son is covered from the time he gets up until the the next day or longer if we need it. S 

Wife is now angry with me because I am 'shirking my responsibilities' as a parent and am not willing to take responsibility for my son. 

For the record I: alternate making dinner every night, take him to day care EVERY morning, pick him up almost every night, do almost all baths/bed times, and always try to spend quality time with him. We both work and I try to establish 'equality' as much as I can in terms of cooking, dishes, picking up toys, garbage, etc. you get the picture.

This past summer I did play softball, and every Thursday she had to fend for herself for dinner and sometimes bath if I didn't make it home early enough. I also spent maybe 4 weekends in softball tournaments. 

I feel like she now has this internal 'parental time' calculator to which she's added every hour she's had to 'sacrifice' watching our son while I went and did 'my thing.' According to her it is much too hard to get anything done with a 2 year old around - she can't shop, she can't clean, she can't even shower (during his nap) - he apparently completely incapacitates her. The time I watch him I manage to do this stuff - I have fun shopping with him, I clean and play with him in parallel, etc. I don't get how this bundle of love and fun is such a damn burden.. but I digress..

I'll also note she has very few friends and never does much of anything.. but makes sure she complains when I have things to do and is constantly texting to see 'when will you be home?'

Selfish jerk or lazy, self-centered, emotionally scarred wife lashing out? You can guess which I am thinking but I wanted to get some opinions.. happy to give more detail if needed..


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

wife lashing out for no good reason and trying to pick a fight IMO

but hey, im a guy, LOL


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

is she for real??? 

there has to be something deeper going on bc it doesn't make sense for her to have an issue. 

i'd be pissed off if childcare wasn't lined up. and it's not like you just got some random person to be with him. he'll be with grandma!! kids LOVE that sh*t!! she should be happy you didn't shove the burden of finding care onto her. you recognized these are your plans so you took care of the details. her life isn't altered even one tiny bit.


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

We are now having a text argument. I am retyping this unaltered:

Her: "Can you at least stay thru lunchtime so that I can go to my appointment and run a few errands afterwards"
Me: "Dude - what part of 'I covered the entire day' didn't you understand?
Her: "When my mom gets there we will take him to the park I have groupon passes to."
Me: YOU go do YOUR thing
Her: "I'm just asking you to stay a little longer so I cna get some things done. I wasn't expecting you to be gone all day, I just had more to do and didn't realize I needed to make sure I cleared the entire day with you for the plans you had that I didn't know about. Until last night that is.
Me: FFS - I'm done with this - I couldn't make it any easier for you
Her: FFS?
Me: Yet you are still intent on busting my balls and making this a fight. 
Me: I'm done - you do what you do tomorrow - but know Rhys has good and fun care all day and you are not needed for anything
Her: I'm trying not to, I'm just asking for an inch here, but you're giving me a millimeter. So I'm pushing back. I need an inch.



I literally think she's lost her mind.. I have every aspect of the day now covered. All she has to do is wake up, shower, kiss our son, go do her thing and go party - yet she's got an issue. Makes me want to pull the hair out of my head.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

i don't get it? that whole thing has me very confused. what is the problem? the child is covered. is she feeling guilty that neither parent will be home w the child all day? if she is,that's f**ked up and it's helicopter parenting at its finest. 

she needs to loosen up a bit. damn. even I'M irritated after reading that back and forth texting.


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

Ahh - her point of contention - 'why should my mom have to 'suffer' so you can do what you want to do and take on YOUR responsibility?' (I am starting to think my 'debt' theory is very correct).. 

Yes darling, your mother who has been BEGGING to watch her grandson is surely suffering and feels burdened - that explains her calling and asking to watch him and being excited when I took her up on it and offering to stay through the next day so you and I can have some 'us' time if we want..


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

sounds like shes mad because you got out of your "responsibilities" so easily (watching your child), im not sure why shes mad though, no reason to be,

is she home alot watching your child while you are out? if so, maybe she is trying to make you see what its like to be home while she is out


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

oh.my.goodness.

SUFFER?? lol she's grandma! they're ALWAYS complaining about not getting enough time with their grandbabies! 

seriously man, you need to figure out what the REAL issue is because it's not about childcare.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

I know a woman who can't get anything done, because she has a baby. Well, he'll be 3 years old soon, and she still can't shower, and regularly complains that there's no time to even eat. Funny, I raised 3 of the little buggers, and I always had plenty of time for myself. So much, at times, I feel positively selfish!

Some women are just martyrs. You hit it dead on when you said she's pissed because, bing-bang-boom, you sorted yourself out easily for your night out.

She probably doesn't want you going out either, judging by the "when will you be home" texts.


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

Well I appreciate the replies. When you live in crap for years to start to not smell it. I was starting to question if I really 'was' being unreasonable. TY for the validation my friends.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I feel bad for you and totally get it. I have a 21 month old little girl and I've had to take care of her for 1-2 week periods at a time when wife goes out of town for work meetings and it is EASY. We have fun, we get our stuff done, we eat healthy, etc. and when my wife hears how much fun we're having and how little stress is causes me she actually gets annoyed because she knows she can't pretend like it's sooooo hard having a kid.

I don't get it. They talk about babies forever and then when they have one, it's like they're lives are ruined!(Not all of them so don't yell at me). I think it's funny because I think it is always a joy and never all that hard.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

She's jealous. Getting help with your kid in order to go do what you want was easy peasy mac and cheesy and she can't stand it. 

IGNORE and go have fun with your boys!!! 

Seriously some women just love to beotch. After a few drinks at the party maybe she'll lighten up and be hot and ready to apologize to you for the drama. wink wink


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

No, you are not being selfish or irresponsible. In my humble opinion, you seem to be trying to reason with someone you already know is irrational. Big mistake. Don't argue and don't allow yourself to be hurt. Make all the necessary arrangements, reassure her as best you can and go enjoy your day


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I too think she wants you to have a taste of what's it's like to be with your child all day

I also think that you gys have a bunch of underlying issues that neither of you cares to surface. If your dynamic doesn't change in the near future, I see divorce in your future


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Holy christ. If my ex had done what you did, maybe we'd still be married.

I was a single mom with a 4 month old, a 2 year old and a 4 year old, till they were 5, 7 and 9 years old. Somehow I managed to have a clean house, food on the table, hold down a full time job, and find another husband with three little kids. Sometimes I even got to shave my legs 

Your wife needs a SERIOUS reality check.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

C123 said:


> I don't get it. They talk about babies forever and then when they have one, it's like they're lives are ruined!(Not all of them so don't yell at me). I think it's funny because I think it is always a joy and never all that hard.


We need to keep in mind that the moms had to birth these kids themselves and they have issues with their mothers to deal with. Us guys are spared all that.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

That sounds annoying, and I think you are in the right on this one. Here are some things to think about, though:

Everyone needs to feel appreciated and feel like someone is sympathetic towards them. It sounds to me like she wants sympathy from you and this problem is the form that the want is taking. You may not have a problem doing activities while watching your son, but she might perceive it as being stressful. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how much trouble you think she has with your son. What matters is her perception of it, which is what dictates her reality.

You might want to look at "How To Win Friends and Influence People". Look up Part III section 9 titled "What Everybody Wants". There's an excellent and comic example of someone acting similarly to how I think your wife is.

This isn't really going to help you in the current situation, but maybe you will get a better understanding of how to handle similar future situations like this.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> No, you are not being selfish or irresponsible. In my humble opinion, you seem to be trying to reason with someone you already know is irrational. Big mistake. Don't argue and don't allow yourself to be hurt. Make all the necessary arrangements, reassure her as best you can and go enjoy your day


:iagree:

The more you try to prove that you are right and she is wrong, the more defensive she'll be about it. Even if you can prove that she is wrong, she will just resent you for it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I used to get pissed like this with my ex, but it was mainly because he shirked all the responsibilities in the house and with the kids. I did everything and he got to have all the fun.

Doesn't sound like this is the case here, so I don't think she has much to stand on.


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I too think she wants you to have a taste of what's it's like to be with your child all day
> 
> I also think that you gys have a bunch of underlying issues that neither of you cares to surface. If your dynamic doesn't change in the near future, I see divorce in your future


We've been down (are going down?) the divorce path and are in counseling now.. things have not been good for about 6 months.. I am trying very hard to get to the root of the issues with her and she is currently taking new medications (prozac etc) to try and balance herself out. 

Many of her issues are actually family related as well.. it's a deep rabbit hole. My issue is: being in the thick for so long I've lost site of what a 'common normal' ideal might even be..


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

PAC said:


> That sounds annoying, and I think you are in the right on this one. Here are some things to think about, though:
> 
> Everyone needs to feel appreciated and feel like someone is sympathetic towards them. It sounds to me like she wants sympathy from you and this problem is the form that the want is taking. You may not have a problem doing activities while watching your son, but she might perceive it as being stressful. Ultimately, it doesn't matter how much trouble you think she has with your son. What matters is her perception of it, which is what dictates her reality.
> 
> ...


Some very perceptive statements here and I've often thought about some of them. "Everyone needs to feel appreciated and feel like someone is sympathetic towards them." <- this seems to be a huge driving factor for her - she has a hard time making friends and relies on sympathy to get affection from others. Her mother always did the same thing - somehow become the martyr and then feel sorry for herself so others would come to her side.. then shun them and be mad.. was a vicious cycle I can see her trying to repeat. 

I will look into that book - sounds like a great read.. I am all about self discovery and finding ways to help others, and myself, so we can be mutually happy.


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I used to get pissed like this with my ex, but it was mainly because he shirked all the responsibilities in the house and with the kids. I did everything and he got to have all the fun.
> 
> Doesn't sound like this is the case here, so I don't think she has much to stand on.


I try my best to be a 'good dad' and a 'supportive' husband. I came from a divorced home where I witnessed the effects of a bad partner on my mother and felt first hand the effects of a dead beat dad on myself. Luckily I had good support growing up and took the good from those bad situations. That said I do believe you need balance and I do try to make time for 'me.' So I do take a couple hours a week to work out, I do take a half hour here or there to watch TV, etc. Typically I will take the time AFTER I put my little guy down for bed or if I do need to run during the day I will do it right before dinner so I can put him to bed etc..


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## justanaveragejoe (Sep 21, 2012)

MarriedToAnAnchor said:


> I try my best to be a 'good dad' and a 'supportive' husband. I came from a divorced home where I witnessed the effects of a bad partner on my mother and felt first hand the effects of a dead beat dad on myself. Luckily I had good support growing up and took the good from those bad situations. That said I do believe you need balance and I do try to make time for 'me.' So I do take a couple hours a week to work out, I do take a half hour here or there to watch TV, etc. Typically I will take the time AFTER I put my little guy down for bed or if I do need to run during the day I will do it right before dinner so I can put him to bed etc..


sounds like she is not very appreciative about the things you do, but hard to judge through reading a few posts, have a good weekend with your friends, sounds like you deserve it


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

MarriedToAnAnchor said:


> I try my best to be a 'good dad' and a 'supportive' husband. I came from a divorced home where I witnessed the effects of a bad partner on my mother and felt first hand the effects of a dead beat dad on myself. Luckily I had good support growing up and took the good from those bad situations. That said I do believe you need balance and I do try to make time for 'me.' So I do take a couple hours a week to work out, I do take a half hour here or there to watch TV, etc. Typically I will take the time AFTER I put my little guy down for bed or if I do need to run during the day I will do it right before dinner so I can put him to bed etc..


This all sounds reasonable to me!

One thing I've learned is that you can't argue with a sick mind. So why try?

I have a 'friend' whom I've known probably 30 years or more who I've grown pretty distant from for some of what you describe your wife is doing and is like. She's always being dumped on according to her... treated unfairly. Ironically, she's bipolar. When she's cycling, she'll call me with her tales of woe. I got reeled in one last time earlier this summer. She was full on divorcing her husband of 15 years, he's verbally abusive, they sleep in seperate rooms, the kids are basket cases...

After 3 weeks of her constant texting day and night, and one overnight visit and sob story to even my husband, she texts that they're working it out and going to counseling, he found out she was calling an attorney and he begged yada yada. This woman has been in the throes of divorce since about year 2 of their marriage. They've even separated for a year. 

I chock it up to her mental illness, but I'm certain she's angry with me (she feels dismissed). I told her that I hope it all works out and I'm sure that pissed her off. She defriended me and my husband on FB and hasn't called me since.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's not sick. She's a woman. 

The question you didn't ask is "why can't you do you own thing while your mother is watching him?"... There you will have your answer.... Which is SHE CANNOT RISK THE DISAPPROVAL OF HER OWN MOTHER BY NOT MOTHERING HER CHILD WHILE HER MOTHER IS IN THE HOUSE.

If your wife is not acting mean and *****y, you should hear her out. If she acts mean and *****y, tell her you will not discuss it until she speaks to you nicely.

You are giving but she is not receiving. You do need to teach her how to recieve, how to give, and how to be a mother.

Frankly with all this day care, and then babysitting on a Saturday, you are both neglecting parential duties, I'm sorry to say.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Eh, folks are entitled to go out once in awhile without their children and without feeling guilty. It's actually healthy to do so! To say they are neglecting parental duties is a little extreme.

Go on, OP, and enjoy your evening tomorrow!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You're also entitled to time with your friends, and I don't think you're being at all selfish. You hired a babysitter to free both of you up; what more does she want you to do? Like Toffer said, there's more going on here...


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## MarriedToAnAnchor (Sep 21, 2012)

Hey I know this thread is old now but I thought I would provide an update on our situation. We went through a period of time where I moved my crap down in the basement, hired a lawyer, and served her with divorce papers. Yes, it got that bad. I was so sick of being treated poorly and having our son caught in the middle of fights and BAD examples of a relationship. Every time we fought it was the same cycle: Fight, don't speak for days, see a therapist, be nice for a week, and rinse and repeat. So we switched to a different therapist... that's where things got interesting. 

This new therapist sat down with us and within the first 10 minutes had us both in tears. I was STEADFAST ready to divorce her and get the hell on with my life and within 10 minutes he'd asked questions that had me doubting if I was right, which led into many sessions and conversations, as individuals and couples, that have led us both down new paths. To say the reason she was acting the way she was is complex, is like saying Albert Einstein thought a lot about 'stuff;

There is no doubt the past 6 years I didn't really get it, neither did she. Neither of us are pro's and have it all figured out, but speaking for myself I can say I am far more versed in understanding her implicit behavior patterns now. Many of her behaviors boil down to anxiety. Some people throughout this thread mentioned acceptance by her parents and that was dead on, but the tip if the ice berg. It is everyone and everywhere for her. The more social the situation, the more stress for her. This was and still is hard for me to accept - I am a social butterfly - I will walk into any situation and be at home with whomever is there - I am confident. She is not confident, she immediately feels inferior, judged, and then looks to escape. 

The whole issue that started this thread was her trying to deal with her own issues. She was not taking her meds regularily, she was not dealing with the root cause of her anxiety, and part of that was her anxiety of ANYONE watching her child, especially her own mother. On top of that, I had been changing BACK to whom I was. No one on here knows - but when we met I was a very different person from who I ALLOWED myself to become. I had no tools to deal with her depression so I made compromise after compromise until MY core values were invalid. I was depressed and let myself go physically and was very sad. I retracted from MY family and MY friends because i was ashamed. None of these things helped, they hurt, and then I was traveling ALL the time - so ignoring it WAS an option. Thankfully my brain turned back on and I started flipping my life back around, which meant integrating back into my social circles, re-establishing my family ties, and being someone who adheres to and expects respect of their own tenants. To say this was a stress on her is putting it mildly. What do you do when the person you have been controlling and bending to your will for years suddenly gets a backbone? That's right, you scramble and start being erratic I.E. acting like a crazy woman. 

So are we out of the hole now? No, not all the way. But things are so much better. Just having the tools to react in a way that gets POSITIVE reaction from my wife is so huge.. example: we were just at a party for a friends child and out son, who is now 2.5, was just being 2.5.. wild, out of control (sugar and lots of kids...) and my wife was struggling a bit. I was doing what I could to help but in a moment I stepped away and came back I saw the old look.. wild eyes, frantic voice, and my child reacting MORE as any child would to that behavior. She runs up to me "where the hell were you, I need your help, he put his hand in the cake, he's running all over, jesus just ****ing take him and wash his hands." She was checked out mentally because she was TOTALLY overwhelmed by the situation - she felt everyone was judging her, she felt our son wasn't listening, and she lost her ability to be a cool and calm parent. In that moment my stomach sank and the anger I felt because 'here we are again' must have been palpable - if looks could kill I would have blown her head off right there. However I didn't say anything. I ignored the onlookers picked up my kiddo washed his hands, and when I came out she was right there about to rip into me about 'where was I when she needed me.' I didn't let her start - I just looked her right in the eyes and said "you will never speak to me like that again. You've embarrassed me, your son, and yourself with your behavior. " She ran out to the car and sat there while we finished up the birthday party. (I am getting to the positive part now, i promise). Later that evening when we got home she ran up into the house slamming doors, as per usual, and started making dinner, trying to ignore me etc. I let her because I know she needed time to process things a bit. I did batch and bed with the kiddo. I knew she was feeling a couple of different things: 1.) embarrassed 2.) Ashamed 3.) Afraid. The first 2 make sense, the 3rd is bred by our recent history of almost getting divorced. I sat down with her and asked her to talk about it. Her immediate reaction was 'what do you want to talk about?' To which I replied "I'd like you to understand why I was upset by your actions and I'd also like to apologize." She was startled. "You want to apologize?" Yes, I said. "I realize now that I've had time to reflect that you were suffering from anxiety - am I right?" To which she replied "yes, I was so worried they were all judging me, our son was the only one who wouldn't calm down and then he put his hand in the cake, and I was looking for you to rescue me because I couldn't make him listen..." and she went on describing this laundry list of, to people who are confident and not full of anxiety, no big deal things that were causing her anxiety that night. 

My response to her was simple: "Honey, look, you're a good mom, I see you interact with our son every day in a positive way. I see you provide structure, I see you apply discipline, I see you being a good mom - you are a good mom. My opinion matters. The random wife of Billy Bob who we will never see again - who gives a crap what he thinks about your parenting? He probably lets his kid play with lighters. Our neighbors who let their kid run around barefoot in their own dogs feces, who cares? <laughter>. Sweetie - you cannot let your anxiety and fear rule you. No one was thinking you were a bad mom - they were thinking you have a 2 year old and they probably 'get it.' The only time anyone probably had a single negative thought was when you acted out and made a scene after you let your own insecurities and anxiety get the best of you. Your anxiety causes people to have a poor and INCORRECT perception of who you are. People like and respect you, I know they do - I do. I know you're working on your anxiety, I know it's very hard for you, but you are smart and can recognize it, right?" she said yes, so i went on. "So I'm really sorry we had a tough night, but I think we can take something positive away from this fight tonight." she said 'what's that?' "Well, we got to he root issue of something that would have taken us weeks to sort through and some counseling in one night. Additionally, we're OK. I still love you. I just want you to remind yourself that you ARE a good mom next time you start to feel like that. I want you to remind yourself you're competent, that other peoples opinions mean nothing in the grand scheme of your life and you cannot let those thoughts rule you because then people don't see you - they see the product of your anxiety and that isn't my wife and it isn't YOU." 

So what the hell is my point. I have new tools, I have new understandings, and I have hope. I felt I'd given it my all before, but what I had done was sit in the ring like Rocky and get the hell beat out of me. I didn't bob, I didn't weave, and I didn't fight back because I was so utterly clueless. 

Things are headed in the right direction now and I am using my new tools to help. She's respectful, she's not jealous of time I spend away from home, and she's trying her hardest (and doing a great job) of being a good mom and partner. That's all I could ask of anyone. I am not turning a deaf ear to reality. People can 'act right' long enough to get out of situations - but we've never been before, never explored this path, and never had this level of mutual respect and never have we felt like a real family. So i am going with it for now. I hope I can revisit this in a year and smile knowing we made it.


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