# Separation - can't let go



## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

Hi All,

I'm going through hell and not sure where else to turn.

First of all, after 13 years of being best friends (6 married), my wife and I are now separated and heading for divorce I believe. Her choice. not mine. I am struggling to cope, to understand how this happened, to move on, or to even want to let go. I spend my days either looking for how to get her back or blaming myself for the marriage breakdown.

A bit of background: I have depression and in September had a full on breakdown. Since then, my wife has barely spoken to me. At first I went to family to recover and made great steps with the help of a psychiatrist for 2 months. I returned home and unpacked my stuff, only for my wife 2 days later to tell me she wanted space. As I wasn't working, I moved out for the 2 months. Unfortunately, all my progress was undone and I became more depressed and anxious, though I didn't show her. We met a few times and had what I thought were nice 'dates'. We did some relationship counselling, but it was reluctantly on her part. I eventually returned home after another 7 weeks; it was extremely tense and my wife was upset and sleeping in another room. After 4 days it blew up and we had an argument and I got very upset. The next day she ended it. She said she had been unhappy for years and hadn't faced up to it.

I feel completely bereft and I don't know what to do. She has said it's over and nothing has changed. My family and friends are angry because she is effectively trying to oust me out of our shared flat and not give me any time to decide what I want to do. She isn't seeming to show any love or care for my situation. I'm in a particularly difficult situation as I've not been to work for 4 months, and though I am trying, I hate my job. But my other option is to move 150 miles away back with my family. And I don't know what to do. I want to feel angry but I can't. All I do is berate myself for getting upset, or for not doing things better and not seeing the signs. And I feel cheated that she didn't talk to me about this and let the resentment become too much to fix anything.

I also know I did a lot of things wrong, and I became especially depressed during the pandemic when she was out at work all day and I was stuck in the same 4 walls. I used alcohol as a crutch and I became less and less sociable. I also did try and get help and have done for years (not easy in the UK), but it never seemed to stick. I also know I could have given her more space in the relationship. The pandemic stopped us travelling like we loved and that didn't help either as it's my main passion.

But I also feel in our marriage I did al lot to support her; I supported her studies, her career, her workaholic tendencies. I cooked, I cleaned, I earned money, I let her have the nice car and stuff as I'm not materialistic. I planned holidays and things she loved to do. In fact, yes, I possibly lost myself. But she claims everything was about 'my needs' as she has neglected hers all these years. 

To make me feel even more worthless, she isn't allowing me any time to think about what I need. I left for 4 months and she has given me 2 weeks before moving back into the spare room in our flat and completely ignoring me. It's clear she just wants the flat and wants to drive me out. And yet I still am not angry. I'm only incredibly hurt. But I still want her back. 

I can't stop this loop of 'what if' and self blame. I can't understand how we got here. I can't understand how this woman I loved seems to no longer be there. And I have no idea how to make the next step when I'm so beaten down. I understand I need to work on myself, but I am terrified of everything (I've almost become a hermit thanks to this last few months away from normality) and I don't want to let go. I know it's stupid and I know it's only hurting me, but I don't know how to get myself out of this hole. I feel so worthless and unlovable and I just hate myself. I don't understand why she stopped loving me and seemed to start hating me.

How do I even begin to pick the pieces of myself up when I don't know where to start? Why can't I stop wanting her?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sounds like time to do the 180 and don't let her push you out of your flat. She has no right to do that. Don't do it out of your love for her. She has shown she is no longer your friend. You don't owe her anything.


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## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

The problem is, I don't know if I want to stay here long-term, but I just don't feel I have the capacity to decide now while everything is so raw. And I have no idea why she can't see that and give me the compassion to take the time I need (I realise not forever, but 2 and a half weeks isn't very long). 

I just don't know how it came to this. This is not the person I know - my best friend of 13 years. How do you comprehend and accept not having them in your life again?


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## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

Also just to add to the above...

The last year she became more withdrawn and claimed it was work and other things going on. I begged her to go to counselling together then and she put it off as she doesn't like talking about things. In this time she also acted out - staying out all night a few times, having friends over without telling me, not wanting to do anything really. She said it wasn't about us but it appears it has built up in her head to be. I don't know where all this came from and how someone can re-write history. 2 years ago today we were in Miami, happy. Now it's like I am a piece of sh*t on her shoe.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Are you sure there isn't another man? Sorry, someone had to say it...


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Rangeybull said:


> I can't understand how we got here.


If you were to read on forums were people that are or were married to individuals with mental illness (Depression is a form of mental illness) you would learn to see it from the other point of view. Men and women that had to put up with so much, and staying longer than they should because of guilt, love, economics, etc., etc., you will see through their statements, how little by little they eventually lost all feelings for the person that has the mental conditions. It's not easy at all to have to deal with mental illness. Eventually self-preservation kicks in and the partner is forced to bail out of the relationship. 

Sorry, but you need to see from the other side, if possible.


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## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

I do see it from the other side - I know she had to cope with a lot and I accept that it must have been hard. But I wish she could have talked to me and we could have tried to solve it together. I thought in a marriage you tried to work through things together?

Also note that my depression has been infrequent, not severe, and never as bad as it got this year before.

_Edit_ Also note I've never been socially withdrawn, not been to work, not been affectionate or able to carry out duties around the house during bouts of depression. Generally, the thoughts were a general dissatisfaction with life rather than severe clinical depression. I realise not easy to live with, but she never said the impact was that big previously.

And how the hell do I forgive myself now??


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## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> Are you sure there isn't another man? Sorry, someone had to say it...


Sorry - same-sex relationship, though it could be a man. I have asked the question. And I honestly don't know. She denies it but...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Rangeybull said:


> Sorry - same-sex relationship, though it could be a man. I have asked the question. And I honestly don't know. She denies it but...


ah ok... I don't think you can tell from your original post, but I might be wrong.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Right now, you need to change your tact, and hopefully change the dynamic.
You are operating from a position of weakness. 
You want her back. She knows it, and is using that knowledge to call the shots.
Just "Let her go."
The 180 has been mentioned. Best tool in the box. Learn it and live it.
Find the best solicitor you can find. Have her served, coldly and without notice.
Deal with your "Demons," and mitigate or fix them, whatever it takes.
Move on. Let her see what your life would like like without her.
Let your view of her be from the rear view mirror.
If she sees you moving on without her, it might cause her to reengage.
This is really your only play, and, frankly the best one.
Either way, you get on with your life. That's how you "Forgive" yourself.
Time will tell if it is with or without her.


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## Rangeybull (12 mo ago)

Tdbo said:


> Right now, you need to change your tact, and hopefully change the dynamic.
> You are operating from a position of weakness.
> You want her back. She knows it, and is using that knowledge to call the shots.
> Just "Let her go."
> ...


Thank you. This is what I needed.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

I would say she probably met someone else.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Rangeybull said:


> I do see it from the other side - I know she had to cope with a lot and I accept that it must have been hard. *But I wish she could have talked to me and we could have tried to solve it together. I thought in a marriage you tried to work through things together?*
> 
> Also note that my depression has been infrequent, not severe, and never as bad as it got this year before.
> 
> ...


How could she do that when you left for four months?


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