# Therapy - Sex Issues - Married Life



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I come on here mainly to get things off my chest as I don't really have anyone else to discuss these matters and frankly its difficult 
even dealing with these issues.

My wife doesn't seem to want to have sex, her response in the last few conversations is that just because we are married she is not obligated to have sex with me .

Based on some of the people on this forum I am taking advice and I have talked to experts before on my own.

I have been giving her - her requested space. I have not been needy in fact I have been trying to just be positive sleep and worry about what I need to do in life work and taking time to do positive things for me like go to yoga, go to the gym, go to chiropractor and work on things that are productive .

What is crazy is now when we even kiss or do anything she is always sitting there and I feel as if I am being judged and in my head.

I think the last time we had sex was 3 months ago now. She goes to touch my leg as we sit next to each other and so I just am being with her touching me but I don't initiate any more since she seems to be stressed every time I do she says she feels pressured.

Last night was date night, we went to lunch and I listened to her thoughts and we had great conversation, sat at the beach for a few hours and watched the ocean and help hands ..

We took a walk got a coffee and she suggested we get a picnic basket next time and hang at the beach,, What is weird is this 
seems to be all she wants .. we aren't having sex and lately 
because she stated she wanted space - even suggesting because of the pressure she feels from me that perhaps we should get separated , which is an extreme reaction - that was brushed over the next day after that conversation...

I asked her several times to go to doctor to get checked and she has mentioned going in the last 2 years without following through on this. she is definitely unbalanced in some way as she takes 3 hour naps in middle of day and she wants to be left alone to sleep in the morning as I take care of my daughter ..

When I have insisted to her to get checked for her health and that I was worried, I was pressuring her ..and she asked me to back off.

When I light candles she feels pressure and asks me why I am lighting candles.

Its really hard to even understand what to do , when I do get a chance to lay next to her now ..kiss her etc , I am very self conscious as last night she kissed me and I kissed her and she just sat still and then made fun of how i kissed her ...perhaps I am looking for her to be into the kissing vs being a wet noodle and judging me ...

Its made it difficult because now that we are not having sex .. and have these issues, I am the only one communicating that we need to work on these issues and make an improvement and again she said she feels pressure..

And no, there are no other people. Whats bizarre is she works out 4-5 days out of the week with our female trainer . She watches what she eats , she is looking at how to improve her body on the outside , she goes for laser, yet when it comes to sex and our relationship - she seems to ve overwhelmed and she would rather sleep than anything else when she is not working ..

I am giving her space but its becomes hard to just lay in bed next to her while she sleeps and I am awake. Last night after we kissed and lit candles she feel asleep on our date night at 930 pm, when I shut off the lights she asked what I was doing , I replied: your tired and asleep so I figured I would just shut out the lights ....

Then I layed there awake and was thinking , do I get up and walk in the other room and let her sleep, does that show that I am upset or what do I do that is best here .. I am trying my best to deal with this but I just don't know what to do when she doesn't want to talk about things, she seems unhealthy overwhelmed at things, not normal on one side and very normal on the other .. She projects all of the issues with us having sex on me and how I am being and the more time we don't have sex, and don't spend time - I just get in my head around it and when I get an opportunity I am mind-screwed ...

What do I do ?
Just keep giving her space.. We decided this past week for me to work in a different area not where she is so I can focus on what I have to do ( for me it may be good that she is not around me all of the time ) 

At work - we work together in our own business, its weird she wants me to walk with her and us to go to lunch every day together and eat together , she wants my opinions for our business and work and she wants to share her feelings with me and all, be the great father I am - yet she doesn't want to have sex or work on our love life to improve ..

Its like she wants things her way only .. I don't know ..

I have been just giving her space. In the am - I just leave her sleep by herself , its boring for me to lay in bed next to my wife for 2-3 hours especially when I want to touch her and wants to connect and she just wants to rest - all of the time 

Any additional advice - besides giving her space, not being needy and letting her be ??

Its definitely driving me nuts !!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

How do you make a selfish wife an unselfish wife?

I dont think you can. I think the only answers are you make yourself happy without her, or with the very little she gives you, or you leave.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

When it comes to sex..and I'm married..how do I just make myself happy when sex..and intimacy involves two people ? 

I would love to hear perspectives on this as well...any women been in a position like my wife ..where you just feel tired ..

keep this in mind ..I make great money ..I'm I shape ..last night my wife told me how good I look and that I am in best shape I have ever been in since she knew me...yet we are now having no sex...

with the great shape I have more energy as well and an increased libido..hey if my wife wanted sex..3 to 4 times a day or wanted me to please her I would invest in it fully...I am fully open for learning ..but she seems closed down ...

honestly something with her health doesn't seem balanced or she wouldn't be sleeping from 10 pm to 9 am ...with me having to wake her up...

I want to have sex..with her ..not someone else she's my wife and I love her but what can I do....

last few times I had a discussion with her about sex and intimacy she suggested that I perhaps have sex..with someone else which I know is just a test /extreme reaction..

she does react big to small things and seems easily agitated by small things right now ....everything for her is pressure if she has to deal with stuff....

we are now talking about each having a night out by ourselves ...to get space ..this was something we discussed last night..she was saying she wouldn't know what to do....

I said well yoga.. a walk on the beach..see a movie ...get a massage ...she has been told by trainer that she should have a night away to get space ...fine with me ....

Love to her any of anyone's experience with something similar


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

Hi Happy Buddha,

Do you find that your wife complains about little besides sex? Does she have the attitude that if you did not have a sex drive life would be great? It's not common for a wife to find her husband attractive and be otherwise happy yet avoid sex with him.

If you think that is the case, your situation is pretty simple. She values your provision and platonic companionship, and the esteem of being with you. You look good on her arm and she gets to hear people say what a good catch you are.

You say she makes extreme suggestions that quickly get squashed. How does the squashing happen? Do you simply roll over (figuratively) and back off? Or do you assert yourself as someone who provides value to her and with wants and needs equally important to hers?

You need to be more assertive in your dealings with her. With the benefit of hindsight, I suggest you do the following:

Proactively: regularly initiate sex. Keep it an open issue. Make her reject you and get to feel bad for it (assuming she actually has some empathy for you). At the same time, take rejection in stride and do something for yourself (it sounds like you make enough to do so). The point is to not make it an issue she can avoid without consequence. Then ask if she is ready to apply herself to resolving this issue. If she says no, just walk away. Don't validate any excuse. Just say no is unacceptable and walk away.

If she suggests you cheat, tell her you are not interested in just screwing somebody. You would sooner divorce and find a new partner who wants that bond with you. Remind her that you love her, but that you also love yourself and this situation cannot persist forever.

If she says that she is not obligated to provide you sex, remind her that you are not obligated to provide her with the stuff she values. Add that she is getting hers while you are not getting yours. Ask her if she would like to see how it feels to be in your shoes.

If she says you should get separated, tell her that yes you agree it's time to examine alternatives. But add that you don't believe in trial separations so if she really wants to go that way you will just file for divorce. And then do it.

It sounds harsh. But your wife really has no obstacles to being a good sexual partner (or at least to not making a concerted push to resolve this issue). She is your opponent in your marriage - not your partner - and your approach needs to reflect that (unless of course you are content to live like this indefinitely).


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

What? On top of her hormones being totally screwed up, which they are! What the hell is her TRAINER telling her she needs a night away. IS THIS TRAINER MALE?????? 

I told my wife being married and denying sex would be no different than if I am married and never talked or touched her in any way.

I have told her if she were to with hold sex the marriage was over! She said "you mean if I quit having sex, we would get divorced" YEP! She made sure I knew that was the furthest thing from her mind!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Give her even more space. Divorce.

It appears that she has no romantic/sexual interest in you, and if you want that in your life, you'll have to get it elsewhere. She doesn't want to change, and you can't make her.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

happybuddha said:


> My wife doesn't seem to want to have sex, her response in the last few conversations is that just because we are married she is not obligated to have sex with me .


Ask her what it meant in the vows when she promised "To Have" you.

It doesn't mean she has to give it up even when she doesn't want to, but it does mean she promised to have sex with you. In addition, your wedding vows probably included some form of "Love, Honor, and Cherish". Refusing to reasonably meet your spouses needs, including but not only sexual needs, is not loving, honoring, or cherishing.

Finally, in a traditional sense the only legitimate purpose of marriage is sex. Outside of marriage one may be good friends and spend time together. Two can even be platonic room mates without being married. Sex outside of marriage was considered taboo, and the only legitimate sex was inside of marriage. So from a historical standpoint, sex is the one thing a spouse can legitimately expect within the marriage which they cannot expect outside of the marriage.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She needs to see her regular doc to get her thyroid checked. That's the first step. Hypothyroid will make her tired all the time and kill her libido. If thyroid is normal she should have a full check of her other hormones and chemistry.

She may be depressed. While depression is diagnosed clinically, not with a blood test, she could try treating herself as if she does have depression. Good vitamins, especially D, can help. Also try 5-HTP. 50 mg mid afternoon and then another 50 mg mid evening. Try for a week and see if she perks up.

If she is on oral contraceptives those can wreak havoc with libido.

It sounds to me like there is some kind of medical issue underlying all of this. Her fatigue is not normal, nor is her low libido.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I shared my life with my ex similar to what you are experiencing for over 20 years. Heard all the same excuses along with a few you haven't mentioned.
SHE doesn't want to share ANYTHING with you other than whatever money you can provide to finance her trips to her "personal trainer" regardless whether or not the trainer is the opposite gender.
Hopefully you won't take twenty years of disappointment to dump her as I did.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Well first the trainer is a female not a male. She trains both of us..she sees how my wife is and she also feels the stress is affecting our workouts..she is suggesting my wife do something without me and get around other women and wives for a reality check and being able to relate .. 

my wife is not on any birth control ...she is 48..and I am 45..

she gets crazy reactive about all things ..

today my daughter was trying to ride her bike ..without training wheels and my daughter started crying ...she starts asking my daughter in a frustrated way..what's wrong with you and why are you crying ...it was a bit dramatic ..

I told my wife when our 5 year old daughter is crying ..does yelling work in understanding her or calming her down. ..

well the fact I even made a comment upset my wife ..I told her to calm down it doesn't seem like a healthy way to communicate by yelling at our daughter who's crying ...well my wife starred arguing with me and said she wants to go take a walk on her own..and why am I starting a fight with her ..I suggested she be patient with our daughter Vs..getting emotional when .you daughter was already crying 
..she didn't like that as well and she walked to car to put something away then didn't communicate with me for the next 2 hours ...

it's definitely a sticky situation ....when we were at beach I was looking at healthy couples kissing..holding hands ..and having fun...and my wife can't seem to let go of something ..she freaks out if I ever try to comment on how she behaves especially our daughter ...

last night we lay in bed in date night ...and she asks me why all my jackets are migrating to the hall closet...she judges my kisses saying it's like a leather kiss....telling me my kisses seems like I'm falling asleep..mm keep I'm mind I'm kissing her but she's not really responding ...more like judging...I asked her to demo what a good kiss is ..and then she goes to sleep...

right now at 421pm..she's sleeping in bedroom on her own. Under the covers ..with all of her head ...under the covers...an afternoon nap is fine ...am I am guessing 3 hours from now she may wake up..........

what's crazy is I just feel trapped 
..I don't want to initiate ...every time I do she seems to complain ....she complains about most things if she can.....it's kind of a turn off....

I want to give her space but me not having any sex...I'm thinking ...hmmm..what do I do feeling so horny. ? 

Do I start doing weird things like walk around more naked especially when I'm turned in..perhaps that is just too weird ...

as she doesn't want to discuss this ....it makes it hard to solve this...and I feel like I am stuck spinning in my mind ...like I am brain screwed...everything I do seems to be wrong and I want a wife that want me ...isn't just giving me a hand job. ..because it's a way to give me what I want ..and avoid having sex...with me ...

even though it feels great..there is a huge missing when I want to have sex after and she asks if I can just be satisfied with what she gave me and ttry and be happy......

I do want quality sex...not just a quick release for me wanting sex...and her not even willing to discuss why she doesn't want sex..she offers the handjob...probably because she knows I want sex...and she doesn't fee like it...

I even offered to go down on her and give her oral...amend make her feel pleasure and she asked why ? She stated she already feels good and she doesn't need that from me .....?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Is your wife menopausal? She's at the age and I know that in the last couple of years (I'm 41) I've been much more hormonal and moody. I also find I'm not thinking about sex as much but since I have a long history of enjoyable sex with hubby I know intellectually that I'm going to enjoy it so I'm willing. I'm also very reactive in my desire. What does your history look like? Did she ever have enjoyable sex with you? 

Situations like this are tough because even if you convince her have sex under threat of divorce you're still getting a wife who doesn't want sex with you, and most men will find this unsatisfying. Women too with their unwilling husbands.

But it could get her to look into what's going on, that you could work with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sex isnt everything. There are lots of ways to be happy without sex. I was for years. You find many satisfactions in life while pursuing your goals and enjoying everthing around you. Without sex.

honestly, there are some people who will just not change. Your wife sounds like one of them.

All the counceling, guru books, advice on TAM will not move some people 1/2" to the left or right. Maybe I'm wrong in your case. I hope so.


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## SunnyWife (Aug 6, 2014)

As I read this I was also wondering if she was menopausal. Worth looking into.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I guess she will find out if she goes to a doctor ..it's been like 3 years...she does go to a doctor for her skin...but not her health check up ..she just hasn't gotten to it ..even with my suggestions which she says feel like pressure ...


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## quiesedba (Apr 19, 2015)

leave her lame ass and find someone you can have sex with... She does not care about you.... dont be a wuss..... man up move on there are billions of females find another.....

Dont give me the but I love her ****


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I am not sure if leaving her is a solution. I know she loves me I think its health issues ..truely perhaps mental


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So we had a holiday weekend. Lots of time for us time but nothing ..
My wife says to me tonight that I am her best friend. I said well thanks. I didn't really know how to respond as I can't even have a conversation with her about us or our love life or the lack there of .. she was falling asleep. She dozed off on the sofa and was yawning ..

Perhaps I need to say - hey I am concerned you seem to be really tired, I wonder if its a thyroid thing or something ...

Its kind of sad to say the least, in several ways ..

Its hard,,


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

She feel asleep. I shut off the lights and said I know your tired why don't you get some sleep. I am not tired I will go to bed later Im going to go in the other room and let you sleep .


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I feel very tired these days ..I think it has to do with me not having sex..or intimacy physically with my wife ..

I feel as if I have lost my motivation to work hard...I feel as if all the work has caught up to me and I have lost my spunk...

I can't seem to progress with my wife in us solving issues with sex..or even growing closer because of the state she is in..

again she said she needs to see a doctor. ..because her period happened in a shorter period of time then before ...she never follows through on this. ..

perhaps I should use sarcasm to drive the point home and next time she mentions it..I should say I am going to set an alarm for 2020...then she asks why...to see if you get there within the next 5 years..by the time your 53...
because you been talking about it for 3 years now...lol...

it's really hard for me to initiate ..so I am laying off of that because every time I do I am being judged....or get excuses ...

Gosh...I wish my wife had an interest in having sex...maybe she is going through menopause or perhaps she has thyroid issues. ..

it's definitely suckling ...I feel frozen...in time like we can only talk and do nothing else ....it's not by my choice ...

I am giving her space ...and I am doing yoga and doing more things for me...but all of this is exhausting me and getting me down......

I'm a problem solved and solver by nature ..and sitting with no progress drives me nuts ....


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have allowed her to become comfortable with your discomfort.

Why are you still going on date nights, meeting her needs, doing things for her, when the primary need you have is not being met?

"Wife, date nights are for people who have a romantic and sexual interest in each other. Since you have no interest in a sexual relationship with me, help me understand why I should continue to try to date you?"


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

When everything you've been doing - repeatedly - does not work, try something else. Have you tried the 180?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

You do have a point. Very good point perhaps i am trying be positive and hope for something different...a better outcome...

it's weird..last date night she said how i was her best friend we held hands and kissed yet...no sex...

she said she has to see a doctor over and over and over as this past weekend she said she got her period a week early ....

i don't want to be mean..I'm trying to be considerate to what she's going through ..

she is 48..has stress and possible thyroid or adrenal issue...how do you make someone get help? Perhaps my main problem is me ...I am trying to be a friend and trying to understand and put my needs aside ...

and perhaps that's why I am not having sex...because of that ...


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Look up the definition of co-dependent.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You can't make someone get help, but you can remove yourself from a relationship when the person does not make a reasonable effort to meet your needs and to take care of themselves.

aka Setting Boundaries. You can tell her that you will not remain in a relationship which involves holding hands but nothing else. You can tell her you will not remain in a sexless marriage. You can simply refuse to participate in date night with her. You can tell her a sexless marriage is at the far end of abnormal, and unless she materially participate in MC and also see her doctor, you will not remain in the relationship.

You do have to be willing to end this marriage in order to save it. Your marriage and her behavior are that far off track.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

you have a 5 year-old daughter and your wife is 48? Did she have her at 43?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> When everything you've been doing - repeatedly - does not work, try something else. Have you tried the 180?



You can try. For a while she will play along. May even try to initiate once or twice. Then once she realizes you've given up she will create a new comfort zone that marginalizes you. 

That's the reason that hardcore cases don't respond to DIY like 180 etc.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It sounds like she's getting the sex she wants. The sex life of your average starry eyed 11 year old who watches Frozen.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

It seems so hard to just remove myself ..what about stressful situations in life. Isn't that being mean and selfish to give an ultimatum ..?

today I walked out of shower and in front of her with an erection...I figured maybe she is unaware I have needs ..maybe I need to be more comfortable with my sexuality..and more out there so she wakes up as well..VA hiding what I am feeling physically


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You don't have to give an ultimatum...yet. 

What you do need to do is stop exerting energy towards meeting her needs and use that energy on exploring your own. Say nothing to her about it. Just do it.

Then let her come to you about why you have stopped meeting her needs. When she asks, a simple statement:

"If you want more from me, perhaps you could start by doing more for me."

You are an enabler right now, brother. You are the problem, not her.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Making the marriage transactional will work short term till she finds a way to meet the letter but not the spirit of the concept of marriage.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

so is there some way to stop meeting her needs. I should stop doing anything for her . Any advice on what I should be not doing ?
So instead of doing things for her start focusing on everything beneficial to me at the moment and not worry about her . On a date 
night I should do what - just disconnect or just suggest that we skip date night and skip the babysitter . Will disconnecting emotionally 
help this situation. Is there some guide for me to do this - this will improve this ? I guess that makes sense if everything works for her 
always but not for me, don't wives have a clue that something is missing when there is no sex. Jeez every movie we watch couples have 
sex and people talk about sex and her focus I think because of stress has mainly been on our business vs enjoying the journey..It seems 
like every 5 minutes of every day there is something new to do for busy work .

Is there a reference to this 180 list and is this for a married couple - I heard it was for a girlfriend ...

This definitely takes major balls to disconnect and be a bit of a stranger when that is not the goal ..


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

It is not a 180. It is destabilizing. 

I would stop the date nights entirely. No more catering to her. Find things that are fun for you to do that don't involve her. 

But here is the hard part. You must be happy about it. Let her see you distancing yourself not because she is refusing sex, but because you have found something more interesting to do with your time than spend it with her.

This does two things. First, it gives you space and distance, so she actually has an opportunity to miss you. Second, she should get the impression that you may be moving on.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

Would it be good to not go to bed with her at the same time either . Stay up and work on my things and let her go to bed first without me.
Get up early and go work out or take a walk and try and just do things that are good for me and make me feel good and energized ?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I will tell you its so hard to be positive . So I sit here on the sofa as my wife just went to sleep. Im like 
hmm staying your distance is supposed to bring you closer and I guess that creates desire when your 
partner isn't there ...

I know your supposed to look as if your having fun, but what do you do by yourself without thinking 
about the person that you married hasn't been interested or has several issues come up all of the time.

I mean I guess the fact that she is concerned and shared that her period came more then a week 
early and she has to see a doctor or something because that is not normal. Before I said well I support 
you go ahead and go, your health is definitely important . This has happened at least 10 times with no 
follow through .. When she says it next do I respond : Well you said that the last 10 times - so I am not 
sure why you keep telling me because I suggested for your health you get it checked for you to know 
what is going on - why do you keep telling me about this - if you don't really want to go - do you care 
about your health ? Im confused ..Would that be a good response ?

Today I got bold and walked through the bathroom naked with a hard on which i normally never do .
I figured I also need to open up, Just like in Yoga I did the class with my shirt off and i felt so much 
better and i felt confident too thinking - I do look so good - I need to open up and be more free .

This past week I took yoga twice . I also went to get adjusted and I am trying to create space for me 
to work on things without others around me . I actually left the office for most of the day and worked 
from coffee bean and found myself much more in peace that wasn't being distracted every 5 minutes.

I am tired of hearing excuses and minutia so I am focusing on being productive....

Its definitely a challenge with trying to distance myself from the hoping and staying close to my wife 
and doing things for her . I wish I had someone to pull me through all of this as a guardian angel ..LOL..

Its such a challenge . Also because I am not having sex I am trying to work out more. This past week 
I went to the beach walked on my hands and climbed ropes to do things that make me feel good as 
family watched. In fact after I was done I guess my wife was inspired and thought she should see the 
chiro that I saw because of how much better i was feeling ..HA HA 

But on the sexual side of not having sex and working out and in Yoga with so many energetic young 
vibrant people I start getting turned on desiring to want sex, so I just am trying to pleasure myself 
for now to take the edge off .... What else can I do ... Its been pretty dry here ..LOL..

I don't even remember the last time we had sex to be honest. Thats not cool at all...I definitely 
need to break this pattern. 

I have looked for help and I keep getting different answers, its definitely not something where you 
can trust your heart if what you have done and isn't working but you keep doing it over and over 
then that is called INSANITY ! 

If anyone can share their experience turning things around . Perhaps my biggest concern is distancing 
myself from my wife and staying away - And then how to best respond to her wondering what is wrong 
with me - why am I acting different - perhaps I did try this before but when she asked me why I have an
attitude or why I seem so distant I probably responded incorrectly - discussing lack of us spending time 
together and suggestions of setting a schedule for us time which felt like complaining and pressure to her .

And when she wanted to just give me hand jobs the last few times when I asked for sex she asked why 
I couldn't be happy with what I was getting vs what I wasn't getting or the sex I wasn't having ..The 
hand jobs feel good and she did get into them bit I felt as if they were just to satisfy me for my sexual 
desire and yet still am clueless why we were having sex vs her giving me a massage with her hands ..

When I ask -to do something in return she would just say she already feels good and she doesn't need 
a massage or to have sex to feel good.. very weird , I do know she has had some issues with her period,
pains and other things going on , its just become a habit ... Sometimes she would explain and many times
she wouldn't want to go into her issues or answer ..

Any women or men felt like I do and do this distance thing or give your wife or husband space and things 
worked out fine . I think the hard thing is drawing the boundary and separating the needs since I am the 
one allowing her to get her way and have things be good for her yet when it comes to me its an issue for 
her to deal with it or work on improving it ..

Share any experience anyone has had in my shoes. Its so much easier to say things then execute on them.
It'd definitely hard with a 6 year old who's an angel and when all else seems normal except all the love making,
sex and intimacy seemed to have take a back seat to work, responsibilities and sleep ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you and your wife in a power struggle. To me it feels like you are. Perhaps sex has become the one power token, the hill to die on.

You say that you and your wife work together in a business. Are you equal partners or are you her boss?

How are decisions made in your business and in your household/marriage?

You mentioned that you make good money. You make money in your business, right? She works in that business too. Do you make good money or do the two of you make good money?

Your wife could very well be going through menopause or at least perimenopause .. depression, lack of energy, mood swings, irregular times between periods. A lack of sexual desire can also be part of this. There is HRT that can help a lot with all aspects of this.

Then add to it a power struggle that could be born out of her life changes and/or some perceived issue she has... and you are both in quicksand.

If you want to take a different approach for a while, try not talking about sex for a while. Instead talk to her about your concerns for her health. Sleeping 11 hours a night and then taking 3 hour afternoon naps is not good. She's doing all the right things like exercise but she has no energy. Something is wrong.

Also, you say that she is not on birth control. Why not? Could she be afraid of getting pregnant ? Having a baby at 42/43 can take the wind out of a woman. It can also upset her hormones to the point that it causes what you now see.

So my input is to back off and talk about your concern for her. For her health. Don't let her go weeks, months, years before she sees a doctor. Tell her that it's getting to a point that you will make the appointment and go with her. You love her and want her to be ok. 

Then if she refuses to go to the doctor.. then you can tell her that she has to take care of her lack of energy and depression because it's causing problems with her, with you and your daughter.

Do not let this ride. Handle the health thing. then start looking at the power struggle if it persists after she get her energy back.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

I am with elegirl on this. I would take it a step further though. Make the appointment and go with her to it. If she isn't going to step up and take some responsibility for her health, then you will do it for her. There are more people than just her involved in this. Something is not right and she has a child that she is a part of raising. As such, she needs to step up and find out what needs to be done with her health so she can be there for her family.


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I suggested that and she said to not pressure her.. Perhaps next comment she makes I will tell her she's talked 
about it for a long time and there is more then just her that is being affected on this. My daughter is learning 
behavior from her and how to live based on what she observes...as well .. I just can't make it about me or sex..
because that doesn't work


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I suppose she's afraid to find out what is going on with herself. Ignorance is bliss and all that. The more she can maintain the appearance of normalcy the better off she will pretend to be (from her own point of view).

That is why it's so hard for them to snap out of it. They live in the land where normal is what they wish it to be. You can't win here. Not without serious effort from her part.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

wife is the same... she refused therapy, so I had suck it up... if they don't want to be fixed, it's out of our hands... do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

Was she abused as a child?
Perhaps repressed memories - that would cause her to avoid sex and true intimacy.

You could also demand that she has sex or you will leave the marriage - you seem very unhappy.

You seem to be a nice guy. Stop being so nice.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

also, having a child at 43? How was life before the child?


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## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

I think her becoming pregnant or a Mom has triggered emotions or some issue for her to be honest. As I reflect on our past 6 years it seems that everything changed with her becoming pregnant and now more so that her Mom and Dad passed away 3 years ago.

Our relationship was good and fun and we used to have sex..we used to do fun things like 69, oral sex on each other where she gave me a bj..I still do that on her when we do have sex..once every 4 months these days...she was also aggressive..and would initiate ..when I was working at a company and bringing in all the income 2 to 3 years ago we because more frequent with date nites..where it would be 1 time every 2 weeks ...

it seems that since we started this business with a similar dynamic from 20 years ago where I know the info..and she's at it..she starts to take control of telling me what I should do for the company .

I do feel that 3 years when her parents passed away things were stressful but we still had intimacy.

now at age 48..she feels tired all of the time and it's been like this now for the last 2 to 3 years and she's discussed seeing a acupuncture or dr..who deals with natural means. .she doesn't want to go to a real doctor because she has a strong belief around how medications mess your body up.

what's even weirder is now we have more time and I am in the best shape I have ever been in with her and she gives me compliments how good I look. .we have a date night in place and over the last 3 to 4 weeks I have given her space to herself and left her alone doing her work or doing what she feels is comfortable and trying to put more space between us..

her nagging me lately is really getting negative ..we own a company and she tells me how I need to grow it..someone offered me money on the side for some extra work and she felt me taking thousands would distract me and not to do it ..yet she will tell me how we need more money for bills because of the new business. 

We both work out every week and we are both in the best shape we have ever been in before this with a trainer ..

yet every time I try and have a civil conversation about her health or our working together as married couple on her health..or making intimacy or improving our issues ..she reacts like an low adrenal energy or person who is cornered by a wild dog..who freaks out and moves to a flight mode of separation or super sensitive state. It either goes to am amplified tone where she suggests we separate ..I find someone else to have sex with or I stop presuming her every hour of the day.

this conversation and question about sex..and us .. may come up between us once every 4 months...and her saying she's tired and telling me she needs to do something comes up with her telling me..

this once every week or two.

when I bring up my conversation. She freaks out or gets very extreme and says she deals with me asking this every single night which is not a fact..but to her it seems that way ...

She will throw out that I have acted weird since she's known me..and when I ask how or how we can work together ..she then never wants to work on it..or comes up with ssome avoidance tactic which patterns into her either going to sleep or suggesting me find my own solution or perhaps we take a break...

the following day she returns to normal maybe even cooks me breakfast or tells me I'm here best friend like the crazy things she said didn't happen ..or she goes into feeling tired or she's dealing with period or she doesn't feel well..low energy and she needs to get acupuncture or throws all of her energy into staying up until 11 pm doing work for our business .

most mornings she is always the last one out of bed...I am up first with my 5 year old and make my daughter breakfast while my wife try to get up and many of the time it seems like a challenge for my wife to get up in the morning and be on time for taking daughter to school...

if I am around it seems like she expects me to do things to help get daughter ready while she makes lunch or spends time in the bathroom getting herself ready for taking daughter ..

my wife usually only cooks food for daughter at night and breakfast we cook our own most of the time but most nights I pick up food for her and me..and pick up lunch or we walk to lunch ...and on sat and sun we eat out at restaurant..we hire someone rto come and clean..she does laundry 2 times a week..

I do lots of stuff around house as a good husband and dad would do..I stand behind my wide and I'm very patient. .yet I'm dealing with this and when these conversations about my needs happen it's almost like she is so overwhelmed that she doesn't know how to respond or goes into avoidance mode because it's another thing to deal with on top of all of her responsibilities and her being exhausted ...

so in short we had a great sex life before when I was overweight 30lbsm.not as in good shape and made one third of what I make now in income ...

yet me becoming better in all of these realms hasn't necessarily helped me because in our relationship there is me and her ..and she has to want to do something either for her health or us...I do think if there is something wrong or off balance with your health you CAN not think straight or make any logical or sensible steps on anything outside of yourself ..because how do you know what's Normal if you can't even feel right on your own..let alone judge anything outside of your issues ...

right now I'm being patient ..being there ..working hard and focusing on doing things I can control for me to be happy and having sex is not happening which seems to be a massive distraction because it's hard at times not to take it personally when all these weird things are being said to me. .and at times her verbal tone and her upset does hurt and doesn't make me feel appreciated or respected ...I always treat her the way I want to be treated with respect and honor and yet I seem to get walked on and judged and expectations for me to do a lot. .yet ..when I ask about my needs ..somehow it mentally throws her out of whack and into some unbalanced state ..I thought that perhaps her being a mom has triggered some childhood abuse or trauma that she had tucked away as I heard that tram a tic events in life can trigger hidden issues in a person ..that lie dormant for a while. ...I wish I knew how to help her come out of it..time is definitely going by and she's taking on a tired and worn down state when it comes to us..and when I do intimate she starts judging me or complaining about something I'm not doing right as she sits there and just observes me vs..being into it...

I don't want to pressure her ...and my lately I'm thinking why would I even want to have sex..with her if she isn't vibrant..healthy and into ..why do I need to settle for whatever she gives me if I'm not turned on by her behavior towards me ...I definitely don't want to be an obligation to her ...I married her because of my commitment and I thought working together on issues was part of a marriage ...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The thing is, she has everything she wants from the relationship. Money, status, and ABC sex. Since you're joined at the hip because of the business you're screwed in every other aspect. 

It seems that you have a bit of a Sophie's Choice to make here. Business or Family or Sanity.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

yes... she's had everything she wanted... child, money, business... her parents are dead, you are a surplus... or the death of her parents and the birth of her child have messed her up big time... impossible to know. If she doesn't want therapy, you can't fix her...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I really agree with what every one else has said. She has some kind of medical issue and should see a doc. But you cannot force her to. One person asked if she had any kind of abuse as a child. Her avoidance of emotional and sexual intimacy with you, especially after giving birth, is definitely consistent with that. But, imo, the medical side seems more likely due to her extreme fatigue and her periods being off.

Regardless, you can't fix her. You can't even lead this horse to water. All you can do, and you have done so, is tell the horse there is water.

I think you get less kind with her when she mentions health stuff and says she should see a doc. I think you should say something to the effect that she has been complaining about this health issue for many years, and saying she should go to a doc, but then she never follows up. You fully support and will do anything you can to help her, but if she is not going to actually do anything about it, you don't want to hear her complaints any more. Say it firmly but without meanness.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I've detached quite a bit from my wife. What I've found is she has a very different comfort zone than I do. She really likes a distant, cool relationship. When I totally disconnect and make myself scarce around the house on weekends, she will make small approaches (but not for sex) after months of this.

It is a pursuer-distancer relationship. You may be in the same thing. I want a closer warmer relationship, so I pursue her. She wants the cooler relationship so she runs from me when I pursue. I get frustrated so I pursue more. She gets upset so she distances more. As soon as I stop pursuing, she stops running. She is obviously much happier and less stressed when I keep my distance.

You may find your wife the same way. It doesn't mean you failed at the 180 or you failed your marriage. It means this is just who your wife is.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I think he needs to tell her that her behaviour will have consequences...


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Thor said:


> I've detached quite a bit from my wife. What I've found is she has a very different comfort zone than I do. She really likes a distant, cool relationship. When I totally disconnect and make myself scarce around the house on weekends, she will make small approaches (but not for sex) after months of this.
> 
> It is a pursuer-distancer relationship. You may be in the same thing. I want a closer warmer relationship, so I pursue her. She wants the cooler relationship so she runs from me when I pursue. I get frustrated so I pursue more. She gets upset so she distances more. As soon as I stop pursuing, she stops running. She is obviously much happier and less stressed when I keep my distance.
> 
> You may find your wife the same way. It doesn't mean you failed at the 180 or you failed your marriage. It means this is just who your wife is.


You have described my marriage perfectly... I pursued too much... now I don't anymore... it is what it is...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It does sound like medical issue.I would go with checking thyroid suggestion, and then maybe professional screening for depression?


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

john117 said:


> The thing is, she has everything she wants from the relationship. Money, status, and ABC sex. Since you're joined at the hip because of the business you're screwed in every other aspect.
> 
> It seems that you have a bit of a Sophie's Choice to make here. Business or Family or Sanity.


Correct, and you can add that she also has her child. She has a nice house, a child, and status. Sex isn't that important to her, and she knows that you won't leave. You're between the proverbial rock and a hard place. 

Trust me, I know about this. My wife is the same age, and she's always complaining about how tired she is. She views sex as a chore, and she knows that I'm not going to leave due to lack of sex with two little kids in the house and me being a partner in a small business. She has her house, her kids, and her status. Sex isn't important anymore, especially since she has Candy Crush.


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