# I cheated. Feeling confused.



## nwlywed

Here goes...

Yes, I cheated. I have been married for only about three months. How I ended up here is complicated....let me try to explain...

2011-2013: Started dating and fell in love with who I consider the love of my life. We have known each other since middle school. Every moment was passionate, but that did not come without its obstacles...This person had many issues including a history of sexual abuse and substance abuse problems that he needed to work out. He could not work on himself with me around as I was an enabler. I left. 

2013-2015: VERY soon (with no time to grieve the previous relationship) after I left my boyfriend at the time, I met my future husband. He was everything my ex-boyfriend was not. Total opposites. Everyone loved this new guy and kept telling me how great he was. Of course, in the beginning, there were sparks and butterflies but this faded (for me). I kept convincing myself that if I gave 100% effort to the relationship love would grow. This led to an engagement and, obviously, marriage. My husband is all the things one looks for in a partner: reliable, honest, stable, loving. BUT we do not have a sex life (sex two times since honeymoon). I don't enjoy sex with him...and he doesn't put forth much effort. Our days are mundane--same ole same ole (but perhaps this is the way of marriage?). My husband has not planned or taken me on a date.....in probable a year and a half. The last gift he got me was a gift card, which made me feel like he doesn't know me at all. Nothing is spontaneous, and he is likely the most predictable man alive. He is also 9 years older than me, and, at times, I feel that he fought for this relationship for my age and the possibility of more children. 

NOW: I have stayed close with my ex-boyfriend's family--they always felt like family and have always been beyond supportive of me. Dysfunctional doesn't really begin to describe my immediate family...I went to visit my ex-boyfriend's mom--he was there. Truth be told, we have never lost contact. And I never fell out of love with him...I just figured that love isn't enough to make anything work and I needed to find all the other qualities: reliable, stable, financially sound. Ex-boyfriend has done very well for himself since our break-up and felt he was ready to re-present himself to me...we spent time together on my visit and he continues to present what kind of life he can offer to me...

Complications: I am now a step-mother to a beautiful 11 year old girl. My husband's family seems to really like me and accept me as part of their unit. My husband came to know about the affair....we were not acting healthy in a space together. So, now, I am in a hotel lost in my thoughts. He wants me to come home. He wants our marriage to work. Of course, he has conditions if I want to do the same. 

The problem is I am utterly torn. My husband is an amazing person, but I am not IN love with him. I am still IN love with the ex-boyfriend. In writing all this, it seems like I do not have a right to seek advice....but my heart is torn....

I have seen a counselor who believes I need to move forward....alone. In our discussion, she believes that I am a very good fit for my husband but perhaps he is not the best fit for me. She is encouraging me to live for myself and not others but I can't help but think of all the people I will disappoint and hurt if I leave my husband...if you can find it in your hearts to provide some thoughtful advice without persecution I would greatly appreciate this Thank you.


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## lifeistooshort

You've got two choices. You can cut your ex bf out completely, and that includes his family, and devote yourself to your marriage. If I do this you must not only abide by your hb's conditions but insist your concerns also be addressed, like your hb not putting forth much effort in or out of the bedroom. You can't devote yourself to the marriage while any trace of the other guy is around. 

Or you can leave the marriage and let your hb find someone happy to have him. If he truly makes little effort he will need to deal with that to attract another woman. 

Maybe at the end of the day you're a poor match. Age difference has nothing to do with effort, my hb is 19 years older and makes a ton of effort for me 

Do not go back and half a$$ it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bibi1031

Divorce. Your counselor is right. You will feel better once you start working on you and not use any man as a crutch. Stand on your own two feet for a while. When you are healthier decide which relationship you still want or are able to work on. It may be that neither one was for you. 

Your boyfriend worked on himself, you on the other hand relied on another man who doesn't fulfill your needs. Your marriage is a mistake. Fix that fast by letting it go. Try at it alone for about three months and stay in counciling. You may find out that you may need another 3 more months on your own. Take your time to discover YOU. You will be surprised with your growth. What's the rush to partner with anyone right now? You made a mess already by rushing into an other man's arms. Learn from that mistake and don't be a fool to rush in.


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## Fitnessfan

Why did you marry a man that you don't love and don't have sex with? That's silly.


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## nwlywed

That's how I'm feeling, too. Thank you.


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## knobcreek

Sounds like you should dump both of them and just move on, definitely sounds unhealthy in the marriage if you're cheating 3 months in and "not in love". Divorce this poor guy before you end up pregnant and totally screw him over, you're not going to all of the sudden get feelings for him that were likely never there.


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## the guy

Does you husband know the details to the affair or just that the affair happened and does he know it is still going on?

The reason I ask is it might be that your husband may not know what exactly he is forgiving. He may change his mind if you tell him exactly what he is up against.

Now...as far as your ex...way would you want a man that likes to bang married chicks? Granted you guys have history but he knew you were married and yet still lacked the moral compose to so no? If he cheats with you he will cheat on you!

You have these two men;
One does not know you.
One is no good for you.


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## jorgegene

I agree with the others. Leave, dont date and go alone for a while.

hate to say this (im sure your a good person basically) but you need to learn a hard leson. You did an awful thing. Dont draw anyone else into your world until you grow up. 

And yes, like 'the guy' says, shame on your ex for drawing you into an affair while married. Hes not right either and needs growing up.


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## jsmart

knobcreek said:


> *Sounds like you should dump both of them and just move on*, definitely sounds unhealthy in the marriage if you're cheating 3 months in and "not in love". *Divorce this poor guy before you end up pregnant and totally screw him over,* you're not going to all of the sudden get feelings for him that were likely never there.


But she won't do that. She wants to go back to the ex, who's "done real well for himself." That's until someone else catches her fancy.

nwlywed you sound like you've never been alone. You went from one guy to another. You married a person, because your friends thought he was a catch. Problem is that what your friends are attracted can be different from what you deep down think is a catch. 

You need to learn to be by yourself. Allow yourself time to find out who you are and what you want in life. 

Without further wrecking this guys self worth, gently let him go. He'll hurt for a few months but he'll heal and eventually meet a worthy woman.


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## JohnA

So ex boy friend is now got his act together? Perhaps not enough to respect your marriage and your husband? 

You have created a mess in your husband's life. One you cannot fix. You need to leave and take nothing. He will attempt to prusue, shut it down. 

The one thing you should not due is try to reconcile.


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## Catherine602

What are you confused about? It's simple. You know right from wrong, selfish/giving, loyal/back-stabbing and moral/immoral. This is not a game of charades, you're fvcking up the lives of this man and his innocent 11 yo daughter. 

The solution is clear, stop being deceitful, selfish and immoral. Start by making an orderly exit out of the life of this loyal man and his lovely 11 yo daughter. You work on your problems that led you to to act in such a massively hurtful and deceitful way. 

Be honest with yourself, you don't love him and you don't care enough about that lovely 11 yo girl. There is no shame in that. The problem is that you acted in bad faith by presenting yourself to them as a caring loving wife and step mom. Your mild dismay is nothing compared to their pain and confusion. Do the right thing.


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## jdawg2015

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe at the end of the day you're a poor match. Age difference has nothing to do with effort, *my hb is 19 years older* and makes a ton of effort for me
> 
> Do not go back and half a$$ it.


19 years? Think age has no impact? If you say so.


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## jld

I am sorry you are here, OP. It sounds like you wanted to do the "wise thing" by marrying this man, who arguably should indeed be a wise choice for a husband. But as your counselor said, maybe not for you.

OP, you say that your husband wanted the relationship for your age and the possibility of more children. I am guessing you are somewhere in your twenties?

I am kind of laughing that your husband has "conditions" for you to return to him, considering you would be doing it more out of duty than actually wanting to be with him. If I were advising him, I would be telling him to improve so you would be drawn back.

I would not go back, OP. He sounds like a LD male, and that is not going to change. He is also much older and at a different place in his life than you are. That does not matter as much for someone who already has children, but you do not. 

Yes, it will be sad for his daughter. But you cannot bring the joy to her life that a woman who is truly a good match for her dad can. Your moving on will allow that woman to come in. Eventually all three of them will be grateful to you.

If your counselor, who knows much more than we do about your situation, is advising you to move forward alone, that is likely the best option. It is going to be hard to avoid the ex, though. If you cannot, at least avoid getting pregnant. No sense in compromising your future that way.

Good luck, OP. Don't try so hard in future relationships. Wait for a more natural, truly good fit, to come along.


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## cdbaker

I'd listen to the therapist who has met you, sat down and spoken with you extensively and most importantly has the required education and licensing that makes him/her qualified to give you advice.

I also agree with him/her. Any decision you could make today would be rushed, and you wouldn't feel confident either way. I'd make arrangements for a longer term separation and focus on yourself for a while. In the meantime, cut off the ex-boyfriend completely, he has no business being involved in your life right now and will only make things worse. As for your husband, be available for him when he has questions, or needs help, etc., because he is your husband and you owe him that much, but primarily focus on yourself otherwise.


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## bandit.45

jld said:


> Eventually all three of them will be grateful to you.


No. No they won't. 

Once he divorces her she will be just a person he used to know. After he remarries he will not give her a second thought.


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## jld

bandit.45 said:


> No. No they won't.
> 
> Once he divorces her she will be just a person he used to know. After he remarries he will not give her a second thought.


Mature people are grateful when someone does the best thing for all involved.


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## Evinrude58

jld said:


> I am sorry you are here, OP. It sounds like you wanted to do the "wise thing" by marrying this man, who arguably should indeed be a wise choice for a husband. But as your counselor said, maybe not for you.
> 
> OP, you say that your husband wanted the relationship for your age and the possibility of more children. I am guessing you are somewhere in your twenties?
> 
> I a*m kind of laughing that your husband has "conditions" for you to to him, considering you would be doing it more out of duty than actually wanting to be with him. If I were advising him, I would be telling him to improve so you would be drawn back*.
> 
> I would not go back, OP. He sounds like a LD male, and that is not going to change. He is also much older and at a different place in his life than you are. That does not matter as much for someone who already has children, but you do not.
> 
> Yes, it will be sad for his daughter. But you cannot bring the joy to her life that a woman who is truly a good match for her dad can. Your moving on will allow that woman to come in. Eventually all three of them will be grateful to you.
> 
> If your counselor, who knows much more than we do about your situation, is advising you to move forward alone, that is likely the best option. It is going to be hard to avoid the ex, though. If you cannot, at least avoid getting pregnant. No sense in compromising your future that way.
> 
> Good luck, OP. Don't try so hard in future relationships. Wait for a more natural, truly good fit, to come along.


🙊. I just can't believe what I'm seeing.

OP, there is nothing to tell you but to annul your marriage if you can. Leave this man and his daughter. Tell him you don't love him, never will/never did, and that you are so sorry you ever married him. 
You have problems more than just an ex you're still in live with. I really think the love of your life deserves you and you'll make a great couple. 
No need in worrying excessively about your "husband". He will be fine. 
It's a shame what you did, but hell get over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lostme

I think you should do your husband a favor and leave him and his daughter alone, you need to be by yourself for a while and get yourself together, before running back to an ex you left for your husband. Time to grow up and realize in the long run you are hurting yourself as much as them, give yourself some time in between fella's next time to learn who you are and what you truly want in a partner, to avoid hurting anyone else.


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## bandit.45

jld said:


> Mature people are grateful when someone does the best thing for all involved.


In Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood yes. 

In the real world? Depends on the situation.


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## Omar174

nwlywed said:


> Here goes...
> 
> Yes, I cheated. I have been married for only about three months. How I ended up here is complicated....let me try to explain...
> 
> 2011-2013: Started dating and fell in love with who I consider the love of my life. We have known each other since middle school. Every moment was passionate, but that did not come without its obstacles...This person had many issues including a history of sexual abuse and substance abuse problems that he needed to work out. He could not work on himself with me around as I was an enabler. I left.
> 
> 2013-2015: VERY soon (with no time to grieve the previous relationship) after I left my boyfriend at the time, I met my future husband. He was everything my ex-boyfriend was not. Total opposites. Everyone loved this new guy and kept telling me how great he was. Of course, in the beginning, there were sparks and butterflies but this faded (for me). I kept convincing myself that if I gave 100% effort to the relationship love would grow. This led to an engagement and, obviously, marriage. My husband is all the things one looks for in a partner: reliable, honest, stable, loving. BUT we do not have a sex life (sex two times since honeymoon). I don't enjoy sex with him...and he doesn't put forth much effort. Our days are mundane--same ole same ole (but perhaps this is the way of marriage?). My husband has not planned or taken me on a date.....in probable a year and a half. The last gift he got me was a gift card, which made me feel like he doesn't know me at all. Nothing is spontaneous, and he is likely the most predictable man alive. He is also 9 years older than me, and, at times, I feel that he fought for this relationship for my age and the possibility of more children.
> 
> NOW: I have stayed close with my ex-boyfriend's family--they always felt like family and have always been beyond supportive of me. Dysfunctional doesn't really begin to describe my immediate family...I went to visit my ex-boyfriend's mom--he was there. Truth be told, we have never lost contact. And I never fell out of love with him...I just figured that love isn't enough to make anything work and I needed to find all the other qualities: reliable, stable, financially sound. Ex-boyfriend has done very well for himself since our break-up and felt he was ready to re-present himself to me...we spent time together on my visit and he continues to present what kind of life he can offer to me...
> 
> Complications: I am now a step-mother to a beautiful 11 year old girl. My husband's family seems to really like me and accept me as part of their unit. My husband came to know about the affair....we were not acting healthy in a space together. So, now, I am in a hotel lost in my thoughts. He wants me to come home. He wants our marriage to work. Of course, he has conditions if I want to do the same.
> 
> The problem is I am utterly torn. My husband is an amazing person, but *I am not IN love with him*. I am still IN love with the ex-boyfriend. In writing all this, it seems like I do not have a right to seek advice....but my heart is torn....
> 
> I have seen a counselor who believes I need to move forward....alone. In our discussion, she believes that I am a very good fit for my husband but perhaps he is not the best fit for me. She is encouraging me to live for myself and not others but I can't help but think of all the people I will disappoint and hurt if I leave my husband...if you can find it in your hearts to provide some thoughtful advice without persecution I would greatly appreciate this Thank you.


Nuff said. 

Move on sister. No need to string the guy along and live a huge lie.


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## Omego

nwlywed said:


> and I needed to find all the other qualities: reliable, stable, financially sound. Ex-boyfriend has done very well for himself since our break-up and felt he was ready to re-present himself to me...we spent time together on my visit and he continues to present what kind of life he can offer to me...


I'm going to be blunt: you sound like you're shopping. You've clearly married for the wrong reason, and now you're calculating again whether or not getting back with the ex-boyfriend is worth it.....

It doesn't sound like you have much empathy. I agree with the other posters who say that you need serious counseling.

Take some time to be alone and become a more balanced person.


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## bandit.45

Counseling won't fix her problem. She's hard wired now.


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## turnera

nwlywed said:


> 2013-2015: VERY soon (with no time to grieve the previous relationship) after I left my boyfriend at the time, I met my future husband.
> 
> in the beginning, there were sparks and butterflies but this faded (for me).


Bottom line, you are operating from a position of ignorance.

First, you should have NEVER dated another man right after coming out of a relationship. It's a mental 'mind grab' for gratification. Is your H the one for you? How will anyone ever know? You just scooped up the first guy who made you feel good.

Second, 'sparks and butterflies' are a DIRECT OFFSHOOT from the PEA chemicals EVERY person feels when they first meet a new potential partner. Look it up. PEA chemicals make you feel like you're on top of the world, make you blind to your partner's flaws, and make you addicted to seeing them again. But they (the PEA addiction chemicals) are only in your body for 1 or 2 years, 4 years tops. Then you're just left with a 'real' relationship. And if you didn't first ensure they're a good match in belief system and morals and everything else, well, you're stuck with a crappy marriage.

Read the book His Needs Her Needs to understand more.

Oh, and your 'LOVE' for your ex-boyfriend? It's AN EMOTION, nothing more. It's childish. It's dangerous, and it's WRONG. Please believe me, your 'feeling' for your ex is just a gut 'I gotta screw him' reaction and will do nothing but ruin your life.

Are you mature enough to withstand that chemical storm?


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## ricky15100

But he hasn't bought this princess enough gifts, can't you see how mean he is!!

Sent from my A0001 using Tapatalk


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## thebirdman

OP, you already know what you want. Problem is, we can't always get what we want. Your ex does not respect you, regardless of how his life has improved. Honor and dignity might sound like old fashioned terms but these are necessary character traits which you both appear to be lacking in. Relationships built on lies and violated trust do not work.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878

jld said:


> Mature people are grateful when someone does the best thing for all involved.


Nope, adultery and betrayal cuts deep and is always there to some extent.


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## Emmi

Loving is more about choices than anything else, it's about choosing someone and sticking to it. If you are in a state of discontent and and has disconnected from your husband and connected with your ex, is it possible that you've just missed/forgotten about your husbands good traits? I think you owe it to your husband and yourself to make an effort and see if there is something there. You both would have to make an effort and make adjustments but I think it is always worth it so that both parts can know they tried everything. Then if it doesn't work in the end you can both move on without questions... I'd try marriage counselling and look in to gottman, and get som couples get to know each other games. Good luck


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## NoChoice

OP,
There is a reason you hear "love and commitment" together quite frequently. Love requires commitment.


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