# stuck in another marriage?



## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

could use some advice....sorry if this gets long.

I got divorced in 2009 after being married 5 years and together for 10 years. He was very hard to be married to - became occasionally violent, and was crazy. Things were better in the beginning, but it was more a relationship of me taking care of him. He got fired frequently from jobs, and so we could never get ahead finanically. He had severe ADD and so communication with him was a nightmare, even when he was on meds. When the divorce was final, i felt like i had wings and was finally free, and finally it was time for me to take care of ME. The whole thing cost me a LOT of money. but I was free.

The problem was, I was 33 and my biological clock was ticking like crazy. So I wasnt free for long.

My best friend at the time was married, and her husband's best friend was single. Convenient? He is like 8 years older than me, and he was anxious to have a child too. He is from Mexico and primarily speaks Spanish, and I was excited to learn the language - what better way than learning through immersion. Fast forward, and I became pregnant in 2010 and had my baby the end of the year. We got married a few months later in 2011.

He is really the sweetest person ever. BUT his english is so limited that he doesnt always understand what my friends and family say. Its frustrating for me, and i feel embarassed of him on some levels. We have an amazing baby, and i do love him, but somehow i feel like i settled way too fast - before i was ready - and now here i am again in another marriage. 

He does everything in his power to try to make me happy. He literally cooks and cleans the house all the time. He earns a lot less money than me, but he tries to help pay for things. he really is an amazing and sweet guy.

I feel like i can talk to him but that he is a little on the jealous side. It is also very frustrating to me that he cannot understand my English all the time, and that I dont always understand what he is saying. it makes me crazy sometimes, and i wish that I could just be able to talk and not have to repeat it a million times. i feel trapped.

Here I am dreaming of other guys, and another life, a normal relationship, etc. I have found myself trying to catch the eye of guys i come in contact with, whether thru work or running errands. WHAT do i do? How can i just stop looking elsewhere and learn to be happy at home? I cannot imagine how I can hold onto this marriage more than a couple years... and i cant bear to think i will fail at another marriage


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

WHAT???

Or should I say, QUE???

What is wrong with you? You rushed into another marriage for no reason? Well, bad on you.

It seems now you have a very nice guy and your major problem is that he doesn't speak English well? Hey, how's your Spanish, chula? Have you made any effort to learn Spanish? Can you talk to your suegra? Do you understand la razon que te odia? Yo, en su lugar, te odiaria.

Honey, you rushed into a marriage. It sounds like you picked a nice guy. Can't you make a little effort? Really? Learn Spanish. It's not Russian, it's not hard. And be nicer.

Or leave him. Now. Let him find a kind woman who will appreciate him.

Ptui.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WTD,

I think you're realizing that alot of this about you, not him. He sounds like a great guy that your building a case to walk away from. You even seem to have set an expiration date already for your marriage ("I cannot imagine how I can hold onto this marriage more than a couple years")

While I'm not a trained professional, I would have to guess that most of your issues are self esteem ones.

You should definitely get some individual counseling for yourself to try and discover what your problems are. 

You should also convey to your husband your frustration with communicating with him and his english skills. BTW, how is YOUR Spanish?


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## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

Thank you, lamaga. I deserve that and more. You are right.

I do understand spanish, and we speak Spanish primarily at home. It has been another amazing gift he has given me...becoming bilingual. 

I dont think that our major problem is that he doesnt speak English well - its that he doesnt want to spend much time w/ my family and my family/friends are scared to talk to him too, because he doesnt understand much. 

I cant talk to my suegra, because both his and both my parents have passed away. one of the huge things we have in common. 

I have been making a huge effort, i try to be happy, and i guess i just needed to get it out there somewhere that i feel so unhappy, and dont know what to do. the depression is overwhelming me. 

I really wasnt trying to sound like a cold, heartless person. i really am not that way. i do love him, and i do try. i just feel like i screwed up bad, and now im stuck, and its just how my life is going to be. he has No idea that i feel this way, nor does anyone in the whole world. well, except for you now.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, ok, I was rough on you, but kudos for coming back and taking it.

So, now what?

Why are you REALLY depressed? It's not because of your husband's linguistic abilities, is it? So, are you lonely otherwise? Need outside friends?

If you are really depressed, then major decisions are not on at this time. Have you gotten any treatment? Sometimes it's as simple as the right medication...sometimes it's not.

It sounds like you respect your husband, surely you owe him your best efforts in dealing with your depression? Because if it's chemical deprssion, leaving him ain't gonna fix it.

I appreciate you coming back for dialog, and I'm willing to talk with you as much as needed. You are in a hard spot, no doubt, but you are not the first, and you will not be the last.

What do you really want, in your heart of hearts?


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## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

Thank you Toffer - absolutely right - its self esteem problems. And that it seems i am already building a case to leave. But i dont want to. i want to fix myself so that I can stay. 

He is amazing, and I cant say that enough. He deserves SO much better than me. Side note, im really glad i found this website - i havent been able to say these things out loud to anyone before, this is huge for me.

lamaga - you are right, i am lonely in general. That "best" friend i mentioned earlier? Turns out she is a compulsive liar, and also un-friended me after she had a miscarriage and i was preganant. Afterward she apologized, but every time we talk, its hard to figure out what is lies and what isnt. 

I have a very hard time finding friends. I never feel like anything I have to say is interesting to anyone and that I dont have much to offer. Im SO shy. I often find myself sitting in a room full of people and feeling like im invisible.

I went to counseling in the past, and it really stalled and went nowhere... then my counselor went to another company and I didnt really know where to turn, and since it had been so non productive, i didnt find someone else to see. 

I was on medication in the past, but the side effects made me get back off of them. 

I agree. It must be just depression. Im just stuck as to what to do about it. 

What do I want my heart of hearts?? I want to be happier and prettier and more successful, and i want people to actually like me, and i want to not be the bad, angry, moody person I think people must see in me. I want to stop hurting.

again, thank you so much for replying to me. im sitting at work crying because im finally getting this out there....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, you know what's really interesting to people?

THEMSELVES. So if you're trying to make friends, ask people about their lives, and listen. Listen listen listen. You'll be amazed (and eventually saddened) by the extent to which people will talk about themselves.

I don't think you have a marriage problem, I think you have a you problem -- that's ok, we all do. So, you need more friends. That's a good goal.

I'd suggest maybe working on that for three months and put aside any thoughts of divorce or cheating till then. Your job for the next three months is to get to know some new people. Some better people. I know you can do it!


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## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

I would love to hear suggestions as to HOW to even put myself in a place to meet friends. 

You are right - because i dont ever feel like anything "I" have to say is worth anything, i find myself asking people all about their lives. I actually get into a lot of one-sided (me helping and fixing and counseling) relationships that way, but at least its a relationship.

I find myself not being able to figure out how to put myself in a place to meet new friends. Friends that might become really close friends, which is really what I think i need...


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

WTD,

To build on lamaga's great advice, I'd also suggest finding another counselor you like, even if you need to go through a dozen of em!

You should aslo talk to your MD about your derpession and the problems you had on your old meds. There may be somthing else out there that would work for you with less side effects.

Also, talk to your husband and tell him about how much you love him and why but you're dealing with some issues (depression, etc) that have caused you to have some unsettling thoughts about your marriage and tell him you'd like his support in dealing with these issues and that you know he's a good man and you want to have a stronger, better marriage.

again, be sure to tell him that you'd also like him to work on his english skills much in the same way you worked on your spanish. Tell him that not only will it make him more marketable in the workplace but will help with the interaction with your family and make you so much more proud of him

Good luck!


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## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

Thank you Toffer!!!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Maybe your not cut out for marriage? Not everyone is. It sounds like you have a really genuine nice guy who loves and treats you like he should. We all have our quirks, but our spouses are suppose to look above and beyond them. Finances should not be a deal breaker in a marriage unless discussed before hand in my opinion. I'd never leave my husband if he were laid off from his job. I'd have to go on disability, we'd try to sell our house and live more frugal. I'd live in a tent if I had to, as long as I had my husband and children by my side. My husband is an outstanding husband. He too, is a nice guy like your husband and does everything he can to make me happy. In return I do the same for him. I take my vows seriously and so does my husband. I broke my neck 4 years ago and now I'm disabled in severe pain. I'm very limited in my daily activity, but he didn't leave and he never signed up for a wife who is limited in daily activity.

Honestly, you knew what you were getting into with his language barrier and financial situation. I wish you the best, you can only find happiness within yourself.


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## whattodo2012 (May 29, 2012)

You are right, Love - I did know what I was getting into w/ my marriage. I think i was so anxious to have a family and a child, and "do what was right" by getting married, and now the same old problems within myself are jumping up because i rushed in too fast.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Whattodo, you're not the first one to find yourself in this position, nor will you be the last.

Where are you? If you are in the States, you can access meetup.com to find groups of like-minded people. You can try book groups, or exercise groups, or church, or really anything. There's nothing wrong with you, so I'm sure you can find some friends if you try. It's one of those things that we work on in elementary school, but then we forget about -- but you still can do it. Good luck, and keep posting!


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