# Why is my husband thinking of this girl??!!



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

I have been with my husband for almost 8 years. He was with a girl about 15 or so years ago and he had asked her to marry him back then but she never said yes. I guess, according to him, she was always looking for something better.

My husband brings up her name in conversation all the time and it seems to be happening more than it used to. He'll say that he and Jen used to go to this bar when they were dating, he got that as a present from Jen one Christmas, Jen introduced him to Thai food, Jen's family was wonderful and really made him feel like part of the family, Jen was a great motorcycle rider. A few weeks ago he was telling me about how you can tell good chocolate from bad chocolate and then after he gave me the whole spiel then told me that he learned that from Jen.

Then 2 years ago, just a few months after we got married, I came down with what at first I thought was a pimple on my chin but it turned into an oozy raised ugly mass about the size of a quarter. I had had it for a week when I finally said that I need to go to the doctor and find out what it is. He was so concerned about it and asked to keep having a look at it. Finally about 10 minutes before I'm ready to leave for the doctor he goes "Oh I think I know what that is. Jen gave me herpes when we were dating and I was so pissed to find it out after the fact and I think that's what that is. I never told you because I haven't had an outbreak for years." Great. I bet you never had it on your face though did you?? I was so pissed.

Since then I've had 2 other outbreaks in the exact same spot on my chin, one of which I am currently getting over. We were out at a bar yesterday afternoon and I brought up again the fact that I really hate the way I look with this on my chin. He goes "I'm really sorry. If it hadn't been for her you never would have gotten it. I wanted to be discreet about telling you I got it from her because I was REALLY in love with her at the time". And yes he did emphasize REALLY! I said "Yes so I've heard" and he almost seems taken aback that I'm a little pissy about hearing her name yet again and goes"Well don't discount that for me being with you. If we hadn't broken up I wouldn't be here with you". Wow. Just wow. Way to make me, YOUR WIFE, feel 2nd best!

Oh yeah and I should add that while I was out of town visiting my family for a week about 3 weeks ago I kept an eye on our phone account and checked his email and facebook (because his password is the same for everything!) to see what he would do. He ended up running into Jen when he went to meet his buddy one night. He didn't say a word about meeting her but I saw from a private facebook message to her "great to see you last night". I made sure to write down Jen's number because he STILL has it in his phone although he has not called her since he's known me because I've checked our phone records. Sure enough at about 10:30 Saturday night he called her. It was only a 1 minute phone call so either she didn't answer and he hung up or he left a brief message. This was after he ended up going to 3 different bars that night as well, which I also found out about by his admission later.

I am so pissed off but can't confront him about it because I don't have the guts. Obviously this girl has been on his mind.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

> *I am so pissed off but can't confront him about it because I don't have the guts. Obviously this girl has been on his mind.*


Uhhh...really, that is the only way you are gonna get this resolved. Tell him how it feels. Do you have an ex that you could be talking about? I'm not suggesting that you do that, but ask how he would feel if "Mr.Wasn't the right one" kept getting thrown in his face at every turn. The past is the past. He needs to LEAVE this Jen in the past. Period. Pull up your big girl panties and call him on the behavior.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> Jen gave me herpes when we were dating and I was so pissed to find it out after the fact and I think that's what that is. I never told you...


 

He somehow forgot to tell you he was a carrier of a STD?

What's that really handy expression that's popular in America? Oh, yes! Deal Breaker.

Put to one side the other points (they are bad enough, however...) and consider the fact that he gave you an STD because he sorta kinda forgot to tell you he was a carrier. :wtf:


----------



## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

Be cool. Snoop and gather evidence. Spyware on the phone, keylogger on the computer, VARs in his car and around the house. Don't confront, cheaters lie!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I'm so sorry you have that STD ...on your face. WOW! I can't believe he didn't say anything. 

That being said, just like baldmale said, get your information or just lay low and watch what he does for a while concerning her. (I'm not into all that snooping technology).

That would drive me crazy though...I don't want to hear about any female like that, especially an ex!


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh My Gosh........

Did you still go to the doctor and have this confirmed??!! Did he go with you? Do you know his status on everything else? 

This is the kind of lie of omission that makes the term, "What they don't know can't hurt 'em..." so utterly ridiculous.

Sorry you have to endure this from your husband. You must feel devastated. You really have to have the courage to take care of yourself at this point. I wouldn't worry about being afraid to confront him....I would be at the doctor having a full STD panel and not being intimate with him again until he did the same (and then some!) No need for a fight about it. JUST DO IT.

I did the health check for less than what you are dealing with. Don't mess around. Please take care of yourself and keep posting.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

LostWifeCrushed said:


> Oh My Gosh........
> 
> Did you still go to the doctor and have this confirmed??!! Did he go with you? Do you know his status on everything else?
> 
> ...


He does apologize for it all the time and says he's just as much at fault as the ex his since she didn't tell him until after he had it BUT then says his reasoning for not telling me is because he said he hadn't had an outbreak in years. So deflecting the blame somewhere else. A

At least he didn't have to deal with getting a big old oozy sore on his face and could hide his with clothes!


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

The combination of talking about her all the time and a new-to-you STD would make me believe he probably got that STD from her when he was cheating on you with her (probably shortly before your first outbreak), rather than years ago when they were dating the first time. 

Otherwise, your husband slept with you _for years _without ever mentioning that he had an incurable STD. 

Either scenario makes him an incredible asshat. I'm so sorry. 

You should run, not walk, down to your doctor and have a full STD screening. You can also get on something to suppress your herpes outbreaks, if you haven't already. And I would certainly monitor his calls/texts/facebook messages, put a keylogger on his computer and a VAR in his car.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Have you ever talked to him about Jen? About never bringing up her name and forgetting her?

Your husband is an idiot plain and simple.

Be on your guard. I bet he gave her herpes and not the other way around. There is more to come.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Have you ever talked to him about Jen? About never bringing up her name and forgetting her?
> 
> Your husband is an idiot plain and simple.
> 
> Be on your guard. I bet he gave her herpes and not the other way around. There is more to come.


No I never say anything about it because it only came up once in a while but now it seems to come up at least once on a weekly basis. Next time her name comes up though I will say something.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Mapper said:


> He does apologize for it all the time and says he's just as much at fault as the ex his since she didn't tell him until after he had it BUT then says his reasoning for not telling me is because he said he hadn't had an outbreak in years. So deflecting the blame somewhere else. A
> 
> At least he didn't have to deal with getting a big old oozy sore on his face and could hide his with clothes!


Actually, you have two big old oozy sores. I don't know what you call the one, but the other is called "husband."

BTW, your husband thinks about that girl because he is an idiot. IMO.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Mapper said:


> He does apologize for it all the time and says he's just as much at fault as the ex his since she didn't tell him until after he had it BUT then says his reasoning for not telling me is because he said he hadn't had an outbreak in years. So deflecting the blame somewhere else. A
> 
> At least he didn't have to deal with getting a big old oozy sore on his face and could hide his with clothes!


So how is this any better? He is not telling you and taking responsibility for anything---- He doesn't even understand the disease he has, or how it is transmitted, evidently. And look what it has done to you!

Again, did you go to the doctor and have this confirmed? Are you under the care of a doctor for this outbreak? This is pretty serious and can lead to all manner of problems. You seem to be more offended than concerned. I hope someone is taking care of you, doctor or otherwise, that has your best interest at heart.

Please please, please take care of yourself. If he is calling her I would be very concerned. Is he keeping that hidden from you as well? Good Lord.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

On the phone call, yes call me paranoid, it would take that long to say can you write this number down? It is the number to my other phone that way I don't have to explain anything to the wife, if you know what I mean?

Do you know where Jen lives"

I would get a VAR for the car and a GPS and start tracking him.

Former GF's are bad news. Former GF's who they had sex with are even worse bad news. Then add that I was really in love with her. A triple whammy.

Keep in mind that the herpes things could also be a cover up for a more recent A with someone else or a recent romp with Jen. I am no expert but I was just on a website that says the first outbreak of herpes typically appear in about two weeks of it being transmitted. Is this something newer then he is saying? Again, I am no expert and some people do not show signs but it is strange given your timeline. Been together 8 years and it is now showing up. This is not making sense to me. I suspect (I could be very very wrong here) that something more recent happened and that is when he got it.


STD Facts - Genital Herpes


----------



## Crazy8 (Jun 1, 2012)

Wow. You could start talking about an ex and how your ex was a much better lover than he was. You could say he's your Jen. 

Maybe he'd get the message then. 

Then again, maybe not.


----------



## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

Have to agree here. The timeline is weird? 

8 years and no outbreak for either of you til recently?? Hmmmm. I would start getting the facts minus the emotion. There will be plenty of time for that when you know the truth.

Again, take care. My GAWD. Sorry you're going through this.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Hi I'm Scott. I'm a great guy. Talk about me. Make something up, I probably did whatever you make up.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

15 years and he still hasn't gotten over her? I've heard people talk about the Great White Buffalo (the one that got away), but come on.

I agree with the others. This calls for further investigation. Don't be surprised if they've reconnected somehow and now it's underground. *NEVER, EVER* underestimate the danger of reconnecting with a former love.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What's more mind-boggling than what happened to your chin is the fact that you married a guy and stayed with him for 8 years when he is so very clearly not over his ex.

The fact he is still bumping into her, messaging her, and talking about her to you habitually does not bode well for the future. 

Honestly, it sounds like he still has a hard-on for her and she is the one who got away/that he never got over her/still has unresolved feelings for her.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> On the phone call, yes call me paranoid, it would take that long to say can you write this number down? It is the number to my other phone that way I don't have to explain anything to the wife, if you know what I mean?
> 
> Do you know where Jen lives"
> 
> ...


I know for a fact he only has his cell phone and she never returned the call.

Also, I know where he is ALL the time...except of course when I was gone for that week. He's always with me unless he's at work.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mapper said:


> Also, I know where he is ALL the time...except of course when I was gone for that week. He's always with me unless he's at work.


He may have cheated. And he may not have. But please note: nearly every betrayed spouse has said what you just said. 

And, in you case, I would be really surprised if he hasn't at least been inappropriate verbally with her (in conversation). Just for the sheer fact he is constantly speaking about her to you, his wife, as if she is the Holy Grail, the last soda pop can in a dry desert. 

Sorry to say but your husband is NOT over her. The fact that he still keeps in touch with her and has the complete audacity to carry on and on and on and on about her and still messages her and is still in contact with her and runs into her on occassion is really really bad news for your marriage.

Why did you marry him if you knew he was always talking about her 24/7?


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> He may have cheated. And he m ay not have. But please note: nearly every betrayed spouse has said what you just said.
> 
> And, in you case, I would be really surprised if he hasn't at least been inappropriate verbally with her (in conversation). Just for the sheer fact he is constantly speaking about her to you, his wife, as if she is the Holy Grail, the last soda pop can in a dry desert.
> 
> ...


We've been married 2 years and it is just in the past 6 months or so that she has come up in conversation all the time. Before that it was every once in a great while.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

People have lunchtime affairs. Not saying he is doing this, but it is possible.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Mapper said:


> We've been married 2 years and *it is just in the past 6 months or so that she has come up in conversation all the time*. Before that it was every once in a great while.


And that goes with the timing of his private message(s) to her and running into her without telling you. 

It's not at all cool of him to be talking up his ex so much. Just no way.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mapper said:


> I know for a fact he only has his cell phone and she never returned the call.
> 
> Also, *I know where he is ALL the time*...except of course when I was gone for that week. He's always with me unless he's at work.


I know where my husband is all the time and he knows where I am all the time. Didn't stop either of us from engaging in EAs. Which is, in effect, what Jellybeans was alluding to. You can speak with an EA partner with your spouse sitting across the room from you. And, as Matt suggested, there is lunchtime. If someone wants to actually have an affair, he or she will find a way. And, unless you use GPS on the phones and/or have him with you at all times, and/or he is with trustworthy friends/family at all times....you really don't know where he is all the time.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> People have lunchtime affairs. Not saying he is doing this, but it is possible.


I know that's not happening because he only gets 30 minutes for lunch and if he actually left the building to get to the parking lot that would take 15 minutes in itself.

Trust me. I pretty much have a handle on everything he does. I check his bank account, his phone, his email and his facebook. So when he tells me something at a later date it's not a surprise. Like the fact at first he told me he pretty much sat home and watched tv while I was gone for that week even though I knew from his bank account that he went to 4 different bars. He eventually had to tell me about those because of other people. He told me about one of them while I was gone, then after going to another one with him the owner said "Oh so I hear you were out of town for a week" and when I said to hubby "So I guess you came here huh?" he said "Oh yeah for one drink and then I left." Then we were at another bar and he knew the bartender which was odd because I had been with him the other times we were there and I didn't know her and he goes "I told you I came here" I said nope you didn't. He goes "Oh yeah I just came here and read my book". So what else did you do that you are keeping from me??


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This:



Mapper said:


> Like the fact at first he told me he pretty much sat home and watched tv while I was gone for that week even though I knew from his bank account that he went to 4 different bars. He eventually had to tell me about those because of other people. He told me about one of them while I was gone, then after going to another one with him the owner said "Oh so I hear you were out of town for a week" and when I said to hubby "So I guess you came here huh?" he said "Oh yeah for one drink and then I left." Then we were at another bar and he knew the bartender which was odd because I had been with him the other times we were there and I didn't know her and he goes "I told you I came here" I said nope you didn't. He goes "Oh yeah I just came here and read my book". So what else did you do that you are keeping from me?? .


Doesn't match this:



Mapper said:


> Trust me. I pretty much have a handle on everything he does. I check his bank account, his phone, his email and his facebook. So when he tells me something at a later date it's not a surprise.


Just saying.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You seem to know your husband like I know my wife. The one thing I did not know when she was cheating that she was indeed cheating. i did not know the signs. Looking back it all made sense and I was even warned a year earlier by my IC.

Don't dismiss what folks are saying here. All I would say at this point is figure out the thing about the herpes because Like I said the timeline does not make sense and be on guard.


----------



## Mapper (Jun 5, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> This:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Maybe that didn't get written correctly. Yes I DID know he went to all of those bars beforehand. I just couldn't say anything because then he'd know I was snooping. He had to tell me after the fact when other bar patrons said something.


----------



## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

I think if there's a WS fog, there's also a BS fog.

How many spouse's have said their WS was not the cheating type and they turned out to be exactly that? Even my best friend said, when we discussed why my own H was acting so strangely, that he was not the cheating type and she's known him for 16 years. Well, it turned out he was the cheating type given the right set of circumstances.

Something is going on with Jen. Even if it's not a PA, it's an EA. All the signs are there. If I was in your shoes, I'd start researching and reading and take action before it turns into a PA. Although, I suspect it already has...

I also said my H didn't have time for an A because he's with me or our kids 95% of the time and I know where he is when he's not. Cheaters lie. Yes, he was where he said he was going to be 99% of the time but the other 1% he was with OW. He saw her before or after work and they met in her car. Classy. Unless you put a VAR and a GPS in his car, you don't know as much as you think you know.

Sorry you find yourself here. Keep reading. Sadly, I think you will soon realize that your H is indeed having an A with Jen. Regardless, he is behaving very inappropriately and has little regard for your feelings. Not a good sign and surely a red flag of what is to come...


----------



## nenaj1 (Jun 7, 2012)

Dump him he's a loser.


----------

