# Help! This guy needs to know



## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

I just found out about six weeks ago one of my friends is having an affair with my other friend's wife. I felt bad because the guy works out of town and has no idea. My wife insisted I let it go. She is friends with everyone too and wants to keep friendships intact. 

Here's the kicker :

On facebook, the guy (OM), posts on Facebook that he's been at his job for 30 years and the unsuspecting friend goes on and on about how great his loyalty is. It's killing me. The guy could have any girl he wants and he goes after this married woman. 

I REALLY want to tell this guy but I don't know how. I mean I really don't want to be the one who tells him. Nothing is anonymous anymore and I know the company he works for but not where it is located. 

He looks like a fool and I know he will be so mad. I think he will totally flip out and I'm nervous. 

How do you tell someone this news without getting involved? I keep tuning it out but after seeing him patting the guy on the back for being loyal, I want to puke. 

The OM is not really my friend but we went to school together. 

This is a really bad situation. Why do people have to mess up lives so bad?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Hmmmm, an anonymous hand written (typed?) note delivered to the woman's mailbox?

ETA: Oops, I mean the man's mailbox.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BruceAndrews said:


> I just found out about six weeks ago one of my friends is having an affair with my other friend's wife. I felt bad because the guy works out of town and has no idea. My wife insisted I let it go. She is friends with everyone too and wants to keep friendships intact.
> 
> Here's the kicker :
> 
> ...


Open a trash e-mail account and send your buddy an e-mail to let him know that his wife is cheating on him.

Or spend a few bucks on a cheap burner phone and send him a text.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell this guy!

And go find some new friends with a moral compass.

Evil exist cuz folks don't do shyt about it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tell this guy.
Make a statement to your old lady that not only will you *not* tolerate adultery in your own family ...but you will not tolote it with your friends....infidelty is simply unexceptable period.

You do not want to be around marriage destroyers, but marriage builders!

Find friend that are marriage friendly.

I worry about your old lady!


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Why not just be a man about it and tell him what's going on behind his back? This anonymous crap just chaps my ass. When did it become wrong to do the right thing and sign your name to it?

Damn!


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## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out. 

My friend is loaded. Tons of money. I see this being really messy and I am afraid to drop the bomb. It didn't even bother me until I read the word, "loyalty" on the guys OM's Facebook post. I'm so embarassed for him. 

I know I need to do something but I am RARELY the type to butt-in to someone's business. I've never given this kind of news to anyone. 

OM is playing a "good guy" act all the time. Everyone loves this guy. Man, I know you guys are right but have you ever actually done this and destroy a person?


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## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

3putt said:


> Why not just be a man about it and tell him what's going on behind his back? This anonymous crap just chaps my ass. When did it become wrong to do the right thing and sign your name to it?
> 
> Damn!


Then I'm a wuss because I can't find the courage to do it. I get close and then change my mind.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

BruceAndrews said:


> I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out.
> 
> My friend is loaded. Tons of money. I see this being really messy and I am afraid to drop the bomb. It didn't even bother me until I read the word, "loyalty" on the guys OM's Facebook post. I'm so embarassed for him.
> 
> ...


LOL, and what part in destroying him did you really have a part in? Telling the truth about him? Seems to me that's on him.

Welcome to life.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

3putt said:


> Why not just be a man about it and tell him what's going on behind his back? This anonymous crap just chaps my ass. When did it become wrong to do the right thing and sign your name to it?
> 
> Damn!


Love it. (I'm not a man so perhaps I'm a bit of a wuss, but I like this "alpha" way of dealing with ****!)


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BruceAndrews said:


> I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out.
> 
> My friend is loaded. Tons of money. I see this being really messy and I am afraid to drop the bomb. It didn't even bother me until I read the word, "loyalty" on the guys OM's Facebook post. I'm so embarassed for him.
> 
> ...


You're misplacing blame here, BA, which is somewhat ironic because it's the reverse of the usual blameshifting that we see around here.

Any and all blame for the aftermath of the TRUTH being brought to light here will fall squarely on both OM and the WW... AND NO. ONE. ELSE. PERIOD.

And think about this... if your wife were stepping out on you, wouldn't you want to know? Which would make you more upset -- a trusted friend (a) knowing about your wife's affair and not telling you or (b) knowing about your wife's affair and telling you?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Why will your wife "flip out"? Why does she say to ignore this? These were the biggest red flags I've seen. Before my WW cheated she hated infidelity, even lost a friend because of her cheating ways. If I were you I'd not only tell the guy but also take a look at the phone bill. I don't want to come out and say your wife may be cheating, but, YOUR WIFE MAY BE CHEATING!!!!!!!! 

Hmmmm, that wasn't so difficult after all. 

TELL HIM!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

Not alpha enough (or at all) I suppose. Not me. Great to see some tough guys here. 

Could you always have done this or now step up only because you have been cheated on and grew tough skin? I've never thought of telling anyone until this one instance. 

I do agree infidelity is seems highly acceptable. While I was in France, I discovered it's very common for most men to have a mistress.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Your old lady will flip out ???

If she's Ok with cheating, maybe it's time for you to have a REAL look at who you are married to.

You need to be flipping the script on her, by letting her know if she is Ok with it, she may have or is doing the same damn thing.

I mean really, think about that.
I know I know, she wouldn't do that, and will put you in the dog house if you question her. LOL, she even have you afraid to be a man now.
Don't really sound like she is much of a prize.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

BruceAndrews said:


> I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out.
> 
> My friend is loaded. Tons of money. I see this being really messy and I am afraid to drop the bomb. It didn't even bother me until I read the word, "loyalty" on the guys OM's Facebook post. I'm so embarassed for him.
> 
> ...


You aren't destroying his life, his wife is doing that. 

My best friend told me about his suspicion of my stbx and who it was with. I didn't like hearing it but he wasn't doing it to hurt me, he cared about me. I still appreciate his honesty and concern when others didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

why does your wife want to protect a couple of cheaters?

burn 'em.

call the company, and ask to speak to him. if you want to be anonymous, have a third party (a friend he doesn't know) relay your message. Give him enough info to investigate, and let him figure out the rest.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I've been broken since childhood, so emotions play lil part in me.
My problem is I HATE to see people taken advantaged of.

Would I have told him?? Yes, after I had a talk with the POS.


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## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

Thanks, you guys are really adamant about telling. I Initially assumed the men here would tell me to mind my own business and the women here would tell me to tell. 

I thought I would come here any maybe feel better about keeping my mouth shut. Loyalty while he's on top of your wife. I know it is really sick. I dunno. Sleeping on it.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Any chance you can go directly to the wife and tell her if it continues any longer that you will tell her husband everything?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BruceAndrews said:


> Sleeping on it.


Why is it that doing the "right thing" we all have to sleep on it?

But pissing it off and "phuck it not my problem" is so much easier?

#1 i would want to know who was my real friend/spouse.
#2 i would want someone to tell me I'm getting betrayed.
#3 i just hate cheaters cuz with cheating comes liar's...and who wants to hang around liar's enless one is another liar?

Some of us want to kill the massenger, some of us want to befriend the messenger.......

You are phucked....who do you want to see in the mirror? more important ...who do you want to see standing next to you in that mirror?


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

the guy said:


> Tell this guy.
> Make a statement to your old lady that not only will you *not* tolerate adultery in your own family ...but you will not tolote it with your friends....infidelty is simply unexceptable period.
> 
> You do not want to be around marriage destroyers, but marriage builders!
> ...


This x1000


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

BruceAndrews said:


> Thanks, you guys are really adamant about telling. I Initially assumed the men here would tell me to mind my own business and the women here would tell me to tell.
> 
> I thought I would come here any maybe feel better about keeping my mouth shut. Loyalty while he's on top of your wife. I know it is really sick. I dunno. Sleeping on it.


1:38 for a pep talk www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ateh7hnEnik


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Here is what pisses me off....all your peeps have never been cheated on (assuming)) but once you get cheated on it takes a whole new perspective.
The betrayal is over whelming! Esecially in a long marriage.

Hell...all your peeps are phucking around....who phucking knows?

My point is....it's phucking wrong!!!

I'm pro marriage...I''m against deciet....I have to be the @ss whole and tell the guy....phuck everyone else!

It makes you "sick" for a reason....get rid of the sickness and go against the grain and find out how like minded your "friends" really are.

Something tells me you will find how few your friends are like minded/moral compassed.

For what it's worth, my old lady lost a lot of friends when she picked her marriage over them !


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Simply tell the guy you've heard some talk and, as his friend, you wanted him to know before he heard it from strangers. If your wife finds out, it will let her know you don't put up with a lot of horse sh-t.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agree, your friend must know about this but you can do it anonymously to avoid extra fall out. You can open up a new email accoung (gmail, yahoo, etc) using any name or even ask an unknown/overseas friend to send the mail warning him that his wife is cheating. Give a little proof so that he doesn't think it is a joke.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Another way of looking at it BA is if he was screwing your wife behind your back and all your friends knew, would you prefer they kept it to themselves or told you? I guess it's the latter right? Then you know what to do.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

Xenote said:


> Any chance you can go directly to the wife and tell her if it continues any longer that you will tell her husband everything?


No no no. "Stop or I tell" is imposing your own moral compass i.e. that it's sort-of-OK to cheat, as long as you stop when you're found out.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Do you have proof you can show your friend that his wife and "friend" are having an affair? I ask because some folks have a tendency not to want to believe the bearer of bad news.


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## cgiles (Dec 10, 2014)

dash74 said:


> 1:38 for a pep talk www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ateh7hnEnik


You can directly link to the part you want of a video 

https://youtu.be/Ateh7hnEnik?t=1m37s

Like oldwolf57 said you should question your wife's moral, she finds ok one of her friends is abused, but not to lose her friendships...

She is pretty selfish.

You should ask her how she would feel if she was in this guy's position, and her friends act like her.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out."

WTF?

First....YOU didn't destroy this guys life....your POS 'friend' and his sl*tty WW did.

Second....do not be afraid of how your W will react....if she is going to make this into some type of crisis for YOUR M, then you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with her about integrity and doing the right thing.

Personally, it would be ME getting p*ssed if my W started going crazy on me for doing the right thing and having some integrity.

This would show me that maybe my W doesn't have as much as I thought....and that would be an issue for me.

Tell your betrayed friend ASAP.


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## Susie42 (Sep 23, 2013)

You need to tell your friend. Deception only creates more sin. Honesty is the best policy. If I were your friend, I would want my friend to tell me what they found out. If you were in your friend's shoes wouldn't you want to know the truth? Would you want to live a lie? Would you want to be married to a person that treats you as if you were a joke? Cheating is very disrespectful and hurtful. Cheating on your spouse is one of the worst things that you can do to anyone. If I was married to someone who decided to cheat on me, I would want to know. I would be hurt and I would feel that my heart was ripped out of my chest. However, I would be grateful to finally know the truth and not be stuck living a lie.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If and when you tell your friend the truth, be there in person with him so he can have the emotional support that he is going to need and to let him know that you are his true friend that he can count on for complete honesty and to do what is right. 

You must convey to him that he should not blame himself and that nobody pushed his WW to betray him and that she is 100% for her choices, including the one to have an affair with his false friend. Express to him that you admire him as a man for being a good friend, a good father, and a good husband. That all the shame falls squarely on his WW and the POS "friend".

Lastly, inform him about this forum full of people like him that have gone through what he is going through at this moment. With your friendship and TAM, he will never be alone.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

cgiles said:


> You can directly link to the part you want of a video
> 
> https://youtu.be/Ateh7hnEnik?t=1m37s
> 
> ...


Yes but my droids auto correcrap screws stuff like that up after a paste more often than not then I have to repaste it.
it is just easier to make everyone quick scrub to the time 

It is time to unroot update and reroot but I am to lazy


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don't let him know what you know Bruce, then YOU'RE not much of a friend.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

If you're not with him, you're against him. 
Which do you want to be?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Expose the darkness. Its the right thing to do. 

Plus, you may save a life from a lethal STD.

The cheaters are the destructive ones. 

Your exposure gives construction a chance to begin.

Without it, it doesn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

BruceAndrews said:


> Not alpha enough (or at all) I suppose. Not me. Great to see some tough guys here.
> 
> Could you always have done this or now step up only because you have been cheated on and grew tough skin? I've never thought of telling anyone until this one instance.
> 
> I do agree infidelity is seems highly acceptable. While I was in France, I discovered it's very common for most men to have a mistress.




You can drop the alpha, beta crap, that's not what this is about at all. This is about who you are, what your beliefs are, and standing for a friend. Now that you know about the affair you have an opportunity to be his best friend ever, or you can ignore it which in my mind is condoning the affair. Wouldn't you want to know? I don't understand how someone can look the other way, just go with the flow. Before being cheated on I would have told my friend, after being cheated on, I would only change HOW I tell that friend. 

Alpha, beta, who gives a crap about that? What kind of friend are you to him? Do you have his back? Are you a friend that he can count on? Or, are you a friend when times are good? Are you a friend who cares? Time for you to decide what type of friend you are.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Bruce, I am glad you came here instead of Loveshack forum, most over on that forum would have told you it is non of your business.

I would tell.

I know 3putt and others do not like the anonymous route and I am not sure it would be best route, but if it would help you stay away from the fallout it can be used.

I hope you have some proof, most betrayed spouses go into denial with this kind of thing.


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## Row Jimmy (Apr 15, 2013)

I would like to know what actual proof you have. 

If it's an unsubstantiated rumour you have no business spreading it because they both will likely deny it to the death. 

If you have actual proof then you should tell him what that proof is.

I would not risk destroying a family without absolute proof and I would not sit by and allow a friend to be unaware of his wife cheating if I knew for certain that was the case. 

Anonymous email is a wussy move...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

BruceAndrews said:


> I just found out about six weeks ago one of my friends is having an affair with my other friend's wife. I felt bad because the guy works out of town and has no idea. My wife insisted I let it go. She is friends with everyone too and wants to keep friendships intact.
> 
> Here's the kicker :
> 
> ...



If you do not advise the man you are then part of the affair. Don't support the affair.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Yes it is important to differentiate between rumors and known facts. Whichever it is, your friend deserves to know. If you have proof, bring it with you to show to him. If it is just rumors, he deserves to know the rumors are out there.

Important: The rumors may well be true, so he must not jump the gun by confronting her with only rumors. He must investigate to find out if there is truth behind the rumors. Cheaters ALWAYS lie and deny. Always! So without actual evidence of an affair, she will deny deny deny deny. Then she will take the affair underground, making it much much more difficult for him to detect.

I believe you should tell him in person rather than via anonymous emails or letters. Most people will discount such anonymous tips, and for good reason. You have no idea what the motivation is or who it came from.

One of my good friend's wife was cheating in a similar situation as you presented. The OM was a neighbor and friend. Other men in the neighborhood knew about the affair, but none told my friend. When he found out, he felt deeply humiliated and betrayed by them. The point is, these rumors were out there and it turned out to be true. The others who heard the rumors didn't know for fact, but they assumed the rumors were true.

The longer this goes on, the more hurt your friend is going to be when he finds out. You will most likely be seen by him as his one true friend.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

What is it your wife is scared of? I think you have some thinking to do about this. Does this well off friend of yours provide goodies or financial help which your wife is afraid of losing? Is your wife a toxic friend who has helped his wife have her affair in some way? (i.e. has she helped provide alibis or cover for the cheating wife?).

As someone else said earlier, I hate to put the suspicion in your mind, but your wife may be cheating. I wonder if she isn't cheating with the same guy, or perhaps did in the past.

She sounds as if she fears something. It is worth you doing some quiet investigation. Don't get too paranoid, but to me there are some major red flags.

If she isn't cheating herself, then there may be some other things you need to understand about her and really discuss. If she's been helping the cheating wife, is this ok with you? Has she been hiding this from you? Are you ok with that? 

Do your due diligence. Review cell phone records. Go through her email and social media thoroughly. Randomly check her text messaging. Search her car very thoroughly for a secret cell phone. Search her dresser, closet, and night stand very thoroughly. You're looking for that secret cell phone, love notes, sexy clothing she never wears for you, condoms, lube, etc.

There could be innocent reasons she wants you to not tell your friend. So don't get paranoid.


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## Seeker40 (Jun 22, 2015)

I've never been in this situation, but here are my thoughts:

Not getting involved - If the husband doesn't already know, eventually he'll find out and start thinking about how many people knew that didn't tell him. That's a betrayal of friendship. Who will he be able to trust? Who's laughing at him behind his back?

Getting involved - not anonymous, just tell him. Go out for drinks, or a walk, or something and let him know. He may already have suspicions, may already know, or not believe you, but when the chips are down he'll know he had someone looking out for him. One person that was honest.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

When you do expose, I think you need to be sure you only give facts as facts and tell him what is rumor. Please do the right thing.


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## LonelyGirl1963 (Jun 24, 2015)

BruceAndrews said:


> I just found out about six weeks ago one of my friends is having an affair with my other friend's wife. I felt bad because the guy works out of town and has no idea. My wife insisted I let it go. She is friends with everyone too and wants to keep friendships intact.
> 
> Here's the kicker :
> 
> ...


Bruce I think the easiest guy to confront would be the OM. Tell him you know and you probably won't even have to threaten to expose him. He will back off especially if his career is involved. Tell her too and they will talk. If they both have enough to lose they will stop but history is history and the affair will not go away from your friends perspective. Whatever is wrong between your friend and his wife will have to be fixed by them. The only thing you are doing is protecting your friend from being played for a fool.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

That's a long nap B.

Another lil nugget for you.
Some of your friends may all ready know, but feel the same as you, but is afraid to say anything.
Then you have the ones who know, and getting their jollies off laughing at him. ESPECIALLY after he posted on the pos's page.
Then again, maybe they all do this from time to time, and you just happen to stumble onto the tip of the berg.
That may explain your wife's fear.

Bruce, you can't unknow what you know, and knowing he will do this, ask yourself " how many others have he plugged in your group, since he like the easy pickings "?


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## thebard77 (May 24, 2015)

*For me this is simple.*

If my wife was cheating on my and my friend knew about it and said nothing... He/she would no longer be my friend. I would see it as a betrayal of trust. I could not be friends with someone who didn't have my back. If I were in your situation I would have already met up with him and broke the news. it is the only honorable thing to do.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Bruce, if you don't tell the truth then you suck as a friend.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

LonelyGirl1963 said:


> Bruce I think the easiest guy to confront would be the OM. Tell him you know and you probably won't even have to threaten to expose him. He will back off especially if his career is involved. Tell her too and they will talk.


Sorry, I disagree. If he is going to tell someone, it should be the husband. Anything else will create even more drama and even allow them to blame shift to Bruce. Confrontation and exposure should be left to the betrayed IMO.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sorry, I disagree. If he is going to tell someone, it should be the husband. Anything else will create even more drama and even allow them to blame shift to Bruce. Confrontation and exposure should be left to the betrayed IMO.


Agreed. Going to either OM or WW first does nothing but allow them time to spin the truth ahead of the BH's discovery of the affair.

Basically it puts all the power in their hands.

And, FWIW, LG's reply contains more or less precisely the type of "advice" that I'd expect to see from a remorseless WS.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> remorseless WS.


 LOL, so much for me trying not to go there.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I find it funny that this thread is titled, "Help guy needs to know," yet you are unwilling to tell him. If he needs to know, who is going to tell him if not you?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

CynthiaDe said:


> I find it funny that this thread is titled, "Help guy needs to know," yet you are unwilling to tell him. If he needs to know, who is going to tell him if not you?


Exactly! Not much more to discuss, you would think...


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

Ok, I had to go back to the first post and check to see if this post was from Bruce Andrews or Bruce Jenner. Next time you shower, look closely. It should not be hard to tell. Are you a man or not? If not then keep on with your current behavior. If you are then quit hiding behind all of the excuses and step up and be a man. 

Would you want to know if this was happening to you? Of course you would. Without question you would. So have the decency to let this man know he is being played for a fool. You know what is the right thing to do. You just need to man up and do it.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

My best friend (we worked together) his girlfriend came up to me and another friend one night and asked us point blank if her boyfriend was cheating on her would we tell her..........hell yes we would she was shocked by that answer. Asked us why we would tell in him our answer was simple..... Cheaters are scum of the earth and we hate them........long story short she was cheating on him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Listen, I'm an *******.

But if this happened with one of my buddies, I'd tell him. I've been in that situation, and he didn't believe me, and got mad at me. My wife got mad that I got involved, too. But **** it, the truth is the truth and I'd want to know.

He didn't talk to me for a long time. Until he discovered for himself and that I was right and looking out for him, and I was the first guy he came to when that happened.

He's happier and healthier for it, and still my buddy.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Kind of looks like OP isn't coming back. 

FWIW....He is either your friend or he isn't. 

If he is your friend...do for him what you would expect him to do for you. Have his back. 

If he isn't your friend...do for him what you would do for any stranger on the street about to be hit by a bus ( a bus full of betrayal in your case)...pull him out of the line of fire. 

You see....there is only one right move here. 

Only one. 

You have to decide what kind of person you are. This is one of those moments where you get to be a man of honor or a man without honor. These moments don't come along everyday. Do the right thing....if you don't it will haunt you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BruceAndrews said:


> I feel if I bring bad news to this guy and destroy his life, karma will destroy me in some way. Plus my wife will flip out.
> 
> My friend is loaded. Tons of money. I see this being really messy and I am afraid to drop the bomb. It didn't even bother me until I read the word, "loyalty" on the guys OM's Facebook post. I'm so embarassed for him.
> 
> ...


Yes, I did. I made a friend confess to his wife that, even though she was newly pregnant by him, he was cheating with her best friend. Her Lesbian best friend.

Your friend needs to know.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

You need to think about what being a friend means to you. If a friend of mine was in that position I'd tell him in a heartbeat. 

If anyone I knew had a problem with that they can deal with me directly. 

They wouldn't like the results.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

BruceAndrews said:


> Thanks, you guys are really adamant about telling. I Initially assumed the men here would tell me to mind my own business and the women here would tell me to tell.
> 
> I thought I would come here any maybe feel better about keeping my mouth shut. *Loyalty while he's on top of your wife.* I know it is really sick. I dunno. Sleeping on it.


Wow for someone so supposedly beta, you sure know how to lay the irony real thick.

of course you'll sleep on it...be back when this reaches page 20 and you still haven't told :grin2:


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## BruceAndrews (Jun 25, 2015)

Well, I haven't told him yet. He works out of town during the week and comes home for the weekend. I plan on asking him out to dinner and tell him then. 

I really didn't think too much about right or wrong, I just know I can't let it go. 

Filthy rich wife and OM having a ball while this guy is away working is really bothering me. I actually have a feeling he might tell me Saturday he knows. It's pretty obvious what's going on if you pay attention. 

I'm even wondering now, after some thought, if the Facebook comment could have been a dig against OM. The word "loyalty" in the comment really stood out to me and I'm wondering if it was used intentionally. 

I worked 3 straight hospital shifts and I was tired and in shock in my original post. My head is more clear now and I think I will know more Saturday.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BruceAndrews said:


> I just found out about six weeks ago one of my friends is having an affair with my other friend's wife. I felt bad because the guy works out of town and has no idea. My wife insisted I let it go. She is friends with everyone too and wants to keep friendships intact.
> 
> Here's the kicker :
> 
> ...


If you are really his friend, you must tell him. I would gather any evidence you have and present it. You can do the anonymous thing but I think you should just tell him because he will need a friend when he finds out. And if you do it anonymously, what will become of your friendship if he thinks you knew and didn't say anything?

You could write it in an email/letter if that's easier on both of you than in person. Maybe start by saying "This is difficult for me to tell you but I've given this some thought and I realized that if I were in your shoes I would want to be told and I would be devastated to learn my friends had this information and didn't share it with me...

And I'd be a little bit concerned about my wife's moral compass if I were you.

I would also wonder what the friend having the affair really thinks of you as a person that he would openly commit adultery with another friend's wife in front of you - like he assumes you have such low morals yourself and are so weak a friend that you will just look the other way wink win nod nod. What kind of person is he to have the affair in the first place and put you in that position in the second place? Do you really want to preserve that friendship and have your own marriage exposed to people like that where it appears you condone that kind of betrayal?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

BruceAndrews said:


> Well, I haven't told him yet. He works out of town during the week and comes home for the weekend. I plan on asking him out to dinner and tell him then.
> 
> I really didn't think too much about right or wrong, I just know I can't let it go.
> 
> ...


Stay the course, BA.



WorkingWife said:


> If you are really his friend, you must tell him. I would gather any evidence you have and present it. You can do the anonymous thing but I think you should just tell him because he will need a friend when he finds out. And if you do it anonymously, what will become of your friendship if he thinks you knew and didn't say anything?
> 
> You could write it in an email/letter if that's easier on both of you than in person. Maybe start by saying "This is difficult for me to tell you but I've given this some thought and I realized that if I were in your shoes I would want to be told and I would be devastated to learn my friends had this information and didn't share it with me...
> 
> ...


Yep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Inviting him out to dinner to tell him is not such a good idea. Why?

If you tell him at the end of the dinner, you will be a nervous wrecks during the whole thing.

If you tell him at the start or during the meal what do you think he's going to do? Sit there and talk to you? 

He will be in public and it could get ugly. Expecting a person to sit in a public establishment while you tell him this is not cool.

Instead, find something simpler that can be over quickly. Meet him at a park, or a coffee place that is not crowed. 

Then if he wants to talk more you two can always go get a bite.


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## thenub (Oct 3, 2014)

And don't tell your wife you are doing it. She may just tip your friend's cheating wife off about it.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- tough spot, but I believe you must tell the betrayed. I have to wonder why your wife wants you to be complicit in the affair secret? She's more worried about potential friendship issues than your well being living with this secret. 

Stay the course. It is the right thing to do.

WD


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

BruceAndrews said:


> ...I do agree infidelity is seems highly acceptable. While I was in France, I discovered it's very common for most men to have a mistress....


Good grief - since when do the French set the standard for what is acceptable elsewhere? 

If infidelity is highly acceptable, why do people bother with marriage vows?


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