# think shes cheating but cant know for sure



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

married for 2.5 years. first 1.5 yrs were good.

caught her in a long distance phone and fb emotional affair last july/august and called her on it but it only lasted about 5 weeks before the OM apparently ended it, so i forgave and forgot. but ever since then, ive had to check our phone logs for any signs of infidelty. she doesnt know i do that. i had told her before that i found her love notes to om on her open facebook, which is true, but what led me to discover the affair in the first place was i knew something was wrong for weeks and so i checked our phone logs.

for the next six months i know she has been good until this last april. while we were waiting at the drs office she got a call from a man supposedly looking for her brother. since i was there, she gave him a brush off told him shed call him back.
this raised my radar.

well she sure did call him back. the next day 44 min. 20. 25 minutes the same day while i was at work! i checked my picture mail and they had exchanged pictures that night.
hers were nothing real bad, just of her and her daughter (not mine), but he sent a picture of 'x' rated longerie and a 'come on'.


i went into an anxiety attack. omg no, not again!
i called her on it, called her a cheater, all i do for you and now this? et. of course she denied it. it was a friend of her brothers, she was just trying to be nice. "all people send that kind of stuff, its normal. I put him in his place and he apologized". "why would you respond to him after that i pleaded?" she just said "theres nothing going on, hes being real nice, he has a girlfriend".

i tried to let it go, but i couldnt. i wanted desperately to believe that she just wants a male friend to talk to. she loves talking to her friends male and female on the phone. i know she has a couple male friends and i know theres nothing going on. so i really tried to let it go over the next few days, but i couldnt. i called her on it twice and she still denies anything. i begged her to show me that this guy knows shes married, and she assured me that he does, but i wanted proof, like a text message or something, but no. all she can say is theres nothing going on and hes just being nice. but theyre on the phone almost every day. usually for only 6-10 minutes.

one day, i had a chance to check her phone for texts.
i only found about 15 messages all going back to the first day they met, so i dont think she deleted any but i found 3 incriminating messages; 1. the first day they exchanged pictures she told him "youre so darn handsome".
2. she told him "(ME) will be reading this, makes me sick" 3.
a couple of weeks later "screw this babe, im gonna get smashed!" 

i tried to put a text logger on her phone but it didnt work.

4 times i couldnt hold myself and called her on it. finally she said "dont you trust me?" i had to answer no.

we separated a few weeks ago. now all i can do is trust my gut and go with what i think is right. she still denies that there's anything going on. she still insists this is only a friendship.
i want deperatley to beleive that, but i dont. it may be only an emotional affair. i have no evidence other than the above mentioned. i have no evidence that they have gotten together physically. they have not exchanged any pictures since that first week.

my strategy so far is just to go no contact for a while while we are separated. i will monitor the phone calls and wait to see if this EA or PA dies in the next few weeks. dont know what else to do. i still do love her and ive tried to let her know that but i cant seem to get through to her that all i want is assurance and more than just her words. i saw what i saw. and its killing me, but confrontation didnt work so im lying low.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

I hate to say it, but it sounds like she's following the cheaters' script to the letter:

"We're just friends."
"I can get a male's perspective on things from him."
"I didn't want to be rude."

And so on.

Although, I'll admit, I don't think I've heard the "Everyone sends X-rated pics" line before.

I'd say it's time to decide what you want. If you choose to give her one more chance, you need to firmly establish boundaries, enact full transparency (you have full, unfettered access to one another's phones, email accounts, FB accounts, etc), establish what consequences will occur if those boundaries are crossed and be prepared to follow through and enforce those consequences if necessary.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

"you're so darn handsome"!!

With that alone shows you can't trust her. 

Did you guys seperate just because of you telling her there is no trust in the marriage or was it more than that??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Jorgegene: You are doing exactly the right thing - stay away and firmly in 180. While you are at it, expose the heck out of the A. Make this A as inconvenient as possible. OM's GF deserves to know. OM's workplace and your in-laws are fair game. 

And I am sure you are gutted right now. There isn't a whole lot you can do for her, but you can work on yourself. Hitting the gym, shopping, hanging out with friends are all good ideas. And read everything you can about dealing with infidelity. This is an age-old trauma, and there is plenty of wisdom around. I, especially, gained a lot from the self-improvement, no-more nice guy guides.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

If you separated over this, move back. You are setting yourself up for a worst state of affairs if you leave her on her own. There are recent posters where this has led to more problems then when they started. Who is watching the hen house?

First off, not allpeople send this stuff and it is not normal.

Second, if there is nothing going on then NC with this dude forever and ever. 

Third, being nice sending X rated pics. 

You are reacting normally - she is in cheat mode big time. She is following the script and if she cared a rat's as* about your marriage she would drop this friend of her brothers like a hot turd. Since she is not there is a problem and a huge one. 

By your description she seems cold and deceptive. another sign of a cheater.

Move back my friend. End the separation and lay down the law with this nice guy your wife likes.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You don't need any more evidence. She's a cereal cheater showing no remorse. She is lying to you daily. My wife gives me ONE lie about an affair and I'm out the door. Let him have her. Find someone who deserves you.

I'm so freakin' tired of this crap.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

I agree with MrK to the point that you don't need any evidence, past her unwillingness to stop speaking to her "friend". if this guy is "just a friend", and your wife loved you and valued your marriage, then that would be it: she would dump the friend, end of story. This guy is more important, apparently, than her marriage as evidenced by your wife refusing at all cost to stop communication; I'd say that's more than "friends", or at least a friend who is more valued than whatever relationship you have with her. If my wife communicated to me a legitimate concern about my communicating with a particular person, and a consequence of that concern was the near certain ending of our marriage, I would take that concern VERY SERIOUSLY and most likely end my communication with my friend. THAT'S how much I value my wife's feelings and the relationship we share. I would be extremely offended, if i were you, that my wife put the feelings and well being of a "friend", let alone some dude, above my own: so for that, you have my sympathy.


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## forlorn99 (May 20, 2012)

I would suggest to her that you are uncomfortable with her communicating with another man in any but the most required for work kind of way. If you explain that having opposite sex friends that she shares part of her life with it is cheating emotionally perhaps she will listen.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> we separated a few weeks ago. now all i can do is trust my gut .... she still insists this is only a friendship.


1) Go with your gut, it's usually right!
2) There is no such thing (IMO) as friends of the opposite sex. It's just an affair waiting to happen. You are right to draw the line in the sand, stand your ground.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She started cheating on you only 1 1/2 years into the marriage and continues to do so. I am sorry but you picked a lemon for a wife. See a lawyer and move on and hopefully you will find someone who truly loves and respects you. Your current wife clearly does not. Why would anyone wish to live their life with someone like this? She is an idiot.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

thank you all for your replies so far.
even though this is terrible, i must know the truth.
its so sad because she has serious physical issues, back injury and a host of other issues assciated with her work injury and ive taken care of her with love. and now this? i doubt that this guy has even a small idea of her needs. shes in this for the validation and 'feel good and pretty' thing.

she just turned 48 and i think too its a mid life crisis thing.

i needed your input to make sure im not crazy. shes very clever and of course tried to turn it on me so I'M the bad guy because i 'snoop' on her (which is true, but all i do is look at the phone logs periodically and ONLY if i see something do i do anything else). i'm 'contolling'. when i asked her "i cant beleive you would jeapordize our 2.1/2 year marriage over some guy youve never even met" , her reply was "i cant beleive YOU would jeapordize our marriage because of snooping".

so now im pretty sure shes telling her family that im a bad guy because im a snooper.

our separation didnt actually have to do with our problems. she was going to visit her brother in another state (where this guy lives!!) anyway, and we decided once shes there she should stay until and if we work this thing out.

by the responses im afraid theres nothing to work out except a divorce.

this just breaks my heart. in spite of it all, i still love her and always will. in spite of her lying and cheating i want the best for her.

but i can only be a fool for so long


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

And she might just start screwing her brother's friend while she's there. Might not. From what you have written she is following the cheater's playbook to the letter. This seems to be a repeating pattern with her. If she hasn't had a PA yet, it's only a matter of time until she does. You decide what's best for you.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes bryanp she is an idiot becasue i truly, truly love her and have proved it over and over the last 3 years. 

this guy wants her for the short term thrills and he will be gone.

shes dumping maybe the only man non-family that ever truly loved her for what?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

jorgegene said:


> i needed your input to make sure im not crazy. shes very clever and of course tried to turn it on me so I'M the bad guy because i 'snoop' on her (which is true, but all i do is look at the phone logs periodically and ONLY if i see something do i do anything else). i'm 'contolling'. when i asked her "i cant beleive you would jeapordize our 2.1/2 year marriage over some guy youve never even met" , her reply was "i cant beleive YOU would jeapordize our marriage because of snooping".
> 
> so now im pretty sure shes telling her family that im a bad guy because im a snooper.


Yep. That's part of the script, too. She's trying to make you the bad guy because you discovered what she was doing. Of course, neve mind that she'd been LYING about what she was doing and this helped you discover the truth. It's ok for her to cheat and to lie about it...not ok for you to uncover the truth.

Coming soon: "I should've gone ahead and frakked him, given how you're reacting!"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

You are not crazy. She is gaslighting you. By calling you crazy, she is trying to deflect her own issues. This is part of the infidel's cycle. They will invent all kinds of alternate theories, facts, realities, even universes to justify what they are doing. One part of her knows she is doing wrong, but her animal spirits are in control right now. So, it is best to isolate yourself from the crazy. 

You do not need to make a decision on a divorce right now. In fact, you are very emotional now, and there is nothing to be gained by a quick decision. There is plenty of time to file. 

Her move to the other state was very likely to be closer to this guy. So, call her out on it. Tell her to come home - now. I think a quick deadline is a good idea, but this could backfire if she puts the ball in your court to act. I am sure others here will have an opinion. 

Jorgegene, you will feel a lot of conflicting emotions in the next few days. Much of it will be terrible, self-doubting, self-loathing, self-pitying ****. Give yourself time. Acknowledge the feelings. Do not act. Find ways to vent - write, cry, shout (alone), whatever. Give yourself release. But also find positive ways to work through this. Go run outside, lift weights, go to the best restaurant you haven't had a chance to go to yet. 

I don't care how bad a husband you are, you don't deserve to be put through this. And you have it in you to stop it. Either she shapes up, or you move on - inevitably a stronger better person.


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## thrway214 (Feb 24, 2012)

Grayson said:


> Coming soon: "I should've gone ahead and frakked him, given how you're reacting!"
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> i needed your input to make sure im not crazy. shes very clever and of course tried to turn it on me so I'M the bad guy because i 'snoop' on her (which is true, but all i do is look at the phone logs periodically and ONLY if i see something do i do anything else). i'm 'contolling'. when i asked her "i cant beleive you would jeapordize our 2.1/2 year marriage over some guy youve never even met" , her reply was "i cant beleive YOU would jeapordize our marriage because of snooping".
> 
> so now im pretty sure shes telling her family that im a bad guy because im a snooper.


No, you're not crazy. In fact, she's going exactly by the cheaters script by her behavior. 

The cheater will often play the jealous and controlling card if they find out The BS (you) are snooping. *It's called blameshifting*. Do not allow this. When she says that, you reply that you are doing what a husband is supposed to do: *protect your marriage*. 

Also, don't let her try to minimize the Emotional Affair (EA). An EA is just as bad as any Physical Affair (PA). You had every right to investigate her because of her actions. Look at this page, it's the Betrayed Spouses Bill of Rights.

Betrayed Spouse Bill of Rights « betrayed but recovering

_1- You have a right to the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By having an affair, your spouse has closed off the relationship with you and opened one with the OP (other person). You have a right to insist this is reversed for your healing and to assure that loyalties have been realigned.

2- You have the right to trust- but verify. Trust has been broken, ‘snooping’ is not snooping. It is verifying that someone proven to be a liar, sneak and cheat has changed their ways. Like an addict, a WS(wayward spouse) will often go back to their emotional fix. You have a right to verify this is not happening._

If she's demonizing you to her family, then expose the EA to everyone.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

thank you all so much. even though i am going through a terrible time, this board is helping me through. im sure she is talking to her own friends, family and this guy and painting me black. theyre probably getting her side and talking in her ear "hes no good. leave him, go with your heart, et".

i feel guilty about the snooping, but i never snooped on her until that first EA last august. i nailed her dead to rights. found her love letters to some guy 3000 miles away she could never hope to be with.
she loves these fantasy games even while our relationship is devastated. even today she makes excuses that "he was only 20 years old blah, blah". ever since then ive been vigilant and as far as im concerned she gave up some of her right to privacy then. i kept a copy of some of those letters in my computer just to remind myself im not nuts.

this guy for sure is in it just for the fun. as soon as he finds out her real needs and problems, hell dump her. that doesnt mean i should wait and take her back after then because who knows how long it will be. maybe she can snow him for weeks or months. and shell do it again.

ive got to be strong. i cant make her come home. thats not an option. shes very defensive right now and pretty mad at me. last thing she wants to do is come back to me and confront herself.

i will take the advise here. stay strong. do good things for myself. try to get through the emotional wreckage and let my anger, hurt subside and think things through. i must do what is right for me and for her. i cannot act on impulse or purely emotion. that is what she is doing. besides, no matter what i do, she is going to do what shes going to do. nothing can stop her in my opinion. she either will realize who really loves her or she will lose the best man shes ever known. shes told me many times im the best thing ever happened to her except her kids. i know this is true. this guy has not been through 1/100th of what ive been through with her. he doesnt even really know her at all. just playing phone footise, flirting, maybe making out, sex, who knows. thats not really knowing loving someone.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> its so sad because she has serious physical issues, back injury and a host of other issues assciated with her work injury and ive taken care of her with love.


Is it possible that she now sees you in more of the role of a carer, rather than a husband/lover?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

as far as making things difficult for her, i plan to stand my ground not back off. loving but firm. we havent had contact for several days now and its her turn. im not going to go begging. i may lose her but what have i lost? if she really loves me as she professed before she left then this is the test.

ive strongly suspected from the begining that this guy doesnt have a grilfriend at all. i think she just told me that to pacify me. i wish he did have a gf. if he really did, i bet SHE would smell whats going on and would have put a stop to this. really? calling almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day? 

im pretty sure shes hiding this from her family, even her brother whos this guys friend. i dont think anybody knows whats going on even her brother. i heard a phone conversation with her brother just before she left when she told him that this guy got her pregnat years ago and 'thats disgusting'. im not positive, but she said his name and its the same. also, i actually only snooped on her phone once to confirm my suspicions and one of her texts said 'oh yea i remember you'. im pretty sure this guy is a lowlife and just the kind of 'bad boy' she wants to validate her mid life crisis.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

yes MATTMATT, i think she definitely only sees me now as a caretaker.
just before this affair everything i thought was good. she was very loving. but just like that BANG, she jumps at the chance to hook up with this guy.

she doesnt see me as her lover anymore. beleive me ive tried to be so tender and gentle and loving, but i guess thats not what she wants.
she even calle me that before she left, but shes looking for something else and i just cant give it to her no matter what i do.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

actually i have to amend something i just wrote above. she didnt actually say he got her pregnant but that he claimed he did and told her brother 'thats disgusting, i never even met him'. if he really did must have been years ago because she had a hysterectomy like 6-10 years ago. i suspect she has a dark side to her that shes never told me


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

ive got to go now for the night, but thank you all and keep it coming if you can. youve all been so helpful thorugh this.

ill check in in the morning. God bless.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

I hate to be this blunt, but usually when a man and a woman are "just friends" at least one of them is thinking about f???ing the other.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You are not the crazy one. You need to cut out that thinking RIGHT NOW. 

What happened when she cheated before is you caught her red-handed. She admitted that it was wrong and told you she wouldn't do it any more. You did your best to verify that was the case. DO NOT feel guilty for verifying whether or not a liar is continuing to lie.

As I'm sure you've probably realized, you don't go from one call in the doctor's office to a 44 minute phone call the next day with an exchange of sexy pictures and have that just materialize out of nowhere. This means they were in contact before this exchange--or else--and I'm sorry but this is also likely--she deliberately sought him out in order to cheat with him on you. There is just no innocent way to paint this series of events.

Regardless, this means she's a serial cheater. And because of the strange way the call at the dr.'s office unfolded, I fully expect that she has cheated on you for a while and has just hidden it very skillfully.



jorgegene said:


> as far as making things difficult for her, i plan to stand my ground not back off. loving but firm. we havent had contact for several days now and its her turn. im not going to go begging. i may lose her but what have i lost? if she really loves me as she professed before she left then this is the test.


Do NOT beg her to come back. Your instinct is exactly right. In many ways you have already lost your marriage--what you thought you had was gone. She KNOWS how much this type of behavior hurts. She COLDLY chose to do it anyway.



> ive strongly suspected from the begining that this guy doesnt have a grilfriend at all. i think she just told me that to pacify me. i wish he did have a gf. if he really did, i bet SHE would smell whats going on and would have put a stop to this. really? calling almost every day, sometimes 2-3 times a day?


It is no doubt helpful to have a wife or GF in the picture. No doubt. But the cavalry isn't riding in.



> im pretty sure shes hiding this from her family, even her brother whos this guys friend. i dont think anybody knows whats going on even her brother.


You need to tell her family the truth. Sadly, because this OM is a friend of her brother's, it may be that they are encouraging or enabling this affair in some way. If she isn't lying about you to her family already (as you suspect) she will soon. Get our story out in front, told SIMPLY and without emotion. Just the facts. If you want to reconcile, you can say you love her in spite of her affairs but you will not tolerate them. Ask the family for their support of the marriage and then leave it at that.



> i heard a phone conversation with her brother just before she left when she told him that this guy got her pregnat years ago and 'thats disgusting'. im not positive, but she said his name and its the same. also, i actually only snooped on her phone once to confirm my suspicions and one of her texts said 'oh yea i remember you'. im pretty sure this guy is a lowlife and just the kind of 'bad boy' she wants to validate her mid life crisis.


Look, I don't believe in a mid life crises. First of all, it's been going on for a few years if so. But really, that's just some words people like to throw out when they want to do whatever irresponsible selfish thing it is that they want to do.

Stop giving ANY excuses for her extremely hurtful, selfish, CONSCIOUS choices.

Tell her brother! Start right there. He will tell you the truth about her pregnancy with the OM.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

What you do now, is send the D papers to her while she is with her brother. Tell her since she chose to go where this guy is, and he is sending her pics of his junk, she must want to test run it. So you don't want a woman that can do that to a man who has done as much as you have for her. Tell her there is no need to come back, just sign the papers so you can find a GOOD woman with morals and values. Of course, since she has been there a while, she may have had her fling enough that she will come back now. But do you really want someone who could do that to you ?? How long before the next ? The 1st. was only an EA, but since she could actually go where this one was, she chose to go there.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

an update today;

ive been lying low going 180 and no contact. we are separated now and she is living with her brother. i havent contacted her since may 27th. 

she texted me a couple days ago and wondered if i was ok. still playing ms innocent like she did nothing wrong.

i still have some business issues to deal with her i need cooperation, so i have to be polite. i cannot start a war yet until 
i get her to sign some papers. but im just lying low hoping she doesnt contact me. i will not contact her. period.

a very strange situation. her AP is her brothers friend. becasue her brother is a bum, and doesnt like me, i originally thought maybe HE actually set her up with this guy to destroy our marriage. but now i dont think so. i think now this guy was an old flame that she LEPT at the chance to get in contact with again
back on april 11 of this year. about a year ago, apparently this guy was with her brother and i was there listening in. he claimed he once got her pregnant. mustve been quite a few years ago.
during the conversation, she claimed how offended she was and how 'disgusting' and pleaded with her brother to protect her honor (LOL). 

fast forward to now. just before she left me after i blew the whistle on her several times, she had another converstation with little brother almost identical to a year ago, i.e. "there's that guy (his name) claims i slept with him, when i never even met him.
thats disgusting!" another thing, just before she left me when i checked her phone to confirm my suspicions there she left a text
"yeh i remember you now".

i think shes playing ms goodie 2 shoes with both her brother and her family. shes just playing the 'taking a break from my crazy husband whos accusing me of cheating (cry). she hasnt paraded him around at all. hasnt invited him to facebook. i think now based on what i know, even her brother doesnt know anything. i dont think he knows that she calls him every bleeping night. 
i think when he and her brother are around they act like buds and just play the game. then they wait for baby brother to be gone at work and have their trysts (LOL). wonder if they're good; hmmmmm......

ive tried to find information about this guy. no luck. i have his first name. telephone number and pictures of him (he sure aint no prize; a short pudgy totally wannabe lookin guy!).
there was even an obscure mention of dope. he may even be a dealer or something (i know a stretch). but i think this guy protects his identity real close cause i cant find nothing.
im trying to find out if he really has gf. and i thought about scaring him off, and even driving over there to confront him.
however like i said above i cant declare war yet.

ive got to lay low for a while. im monitoring the phone logs periodically. shes still in contact with him. 

ive got to get her to sign these document. shes got to be coming back here fairly soon for her drs appts. she agreed to sign the docs but i was so pent up and she was in such a hurry to leave it just didnt get done. so ive got to be polite get her to sign these business docs and then adios


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Do a Google search on his phone number. (Perhaps adding his name) It sometimes throws up good info.


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## I R Baboon (Jun 8, 2012)

You should've been more patient and gone dark completely until you'd had enough evidence. Can't give the illusion of no miss goody two shoes if the dirt is on paper can she?

Yeah well you're doing the right thing here by staying low profile here, keep collecting more evidence until you get her to sign those bloody docs, and then WHAM blow it up in her face, she won't know what hit her


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

jorgegene said:


> ...she has serious physical issues...


Mental issues too. 

Like everyone has said, you aren't crazy. She is lying.

Her story makes no sense whatsoever.

When a story makes no sense, it is almost always because it is a poorly fabricated lie.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I.R.
"You should've been more patient and gone dark completely until you'd had enough evidence. Can't give the illusion of no miss goody two shoes if the dirt is on paper can she?"

yes perhaps that is true. my reaction was instinctive.
what i saw (to reiterate) is texts of her callin him 'babe',
and him with the x rated picture and come-on, and the fact shes on the phone with him every single day almost, sometimes 2-3 times a day for almost 2 months. thats certainly enough for me, but not enough for divorce im sure. so yes, ive got to be more patient. collecting evidence is not easy without access to her phone.

MATTMATT
"Yeah well you're doing the right thing here by staying low profile here, keep collecting more evidence until you get her to sign those bloody docs, and then WHAM blow it up in her face, she won't know what hit her "

yes, i need those bloody docs, but as I.R. just reminded me, i do need to collect more evidence too before i declare war

im wondering if maybe her brother will catch them, like stubbling onto one of their trysts during the day, or something else like that. not that he will help me, but at least someone else will know.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

POSSE
"Mental issues too. 

Like everyone has said, you aren't crazy. She is lying.

Her story makes no sense whatsoever.

When a story makes no sense, it is almost always because it is a poorly fabricated lie."

POSSE you are absolutley right. she actually is not a very good liar at all. ive caught her in a number of lies but they're usually trivial and i just let it go. but i can see lie all over this.
when i confronted her about how she called him 'babe', she gave me the standard 'lie' answer "that was meant for you i accidently texted him, it was early in the morning i wasnt really awake" 

you know what? i could actually believe something like that COULD happen except for the actual content of the message had really nothing to do with me.

but really this whole circus started last year when i found her love letters calling another guy 'the man she was waiting for all eternity et.' WHICH I DO HAVE A COPY OF IN MY computer in case any of her family should some day confront me.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

As someone said earlier, you should have gathered enough evidences before confronting. In hindsight, we all would have been wiser!

Anyway, that is gone and now you both are living apart.

What is your plan?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Thorburn said:


> If you separated over this, move back. You are setting yourself up for a worst state of affairs if you leave her on her own. There are recent posters where this has led to more problems then when they started. Who is watching the hen house?
> 
> First off, not allpeople send this stuff and it is not normal.
> 
> ...


Agreed. Separation just enables the affair(s). 

Also stop being so understanding of her need for male friends. She has proved she cannot handle it.

This is not just a situation where she fell into an EA. her actions are of a serial cheater.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> thank you all for your replies so far.
> even though this is terrible, i must know the truth.
> its so sad because she has serious physical issues, back injury and a host of other issues assciated with her work injury and ive taken care of her with love. and now this? i doubt that this guy has even a small idea of her needs. shes in this for the validation and 'feel good and pretty' thing.
> 
> ...


Ok, this is absurd now. She went to go have a PA with this guy. You should have made it clear that if she went you were filing. Too bad you waited to post here. 

Well I am my wifes husband. I am the best thing for her. So you do her no favors by not having tighter boundaries and letting them have other men.
She has no boundaries.

Stop being so understanding and making excuses for her. She has been unfaithful to you for at least half you marriage.

I actually suggest you let her go from your life.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> yes bryanp she is an idiot becasue i truly, truly love her and have proved it over and over the last 3 years.
> 
> this guy wants her for the short term thrills and he will be gone.
> 
> shes dumping maybe the only man non-family that ever truly loved her for what?


If you truly truly loved her you must be more firm with your tough love and not let her go to her affair partner.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

jorgegene said:


> thank you all so much. even though i am going through a terrible time, this board is helping me through. im sure she is talking to her own friends, family and this guy and painting me black. theyre probably getting her side and talking in her ear "hes no good. leave him, go with your heart, et".
> 
> i feel guilty about the snooping, but i never snooped on her until that first EA last august. i nailed her dead to rights. found her love letters to some guy 3000 miles away she could never hope to be with.
> she loves these fantasy games even while our relationship is devastated. even today she makes excuses that "he was only 20 years old blah, blah". ever since then ive been vigilant and as far as im concerned she gave up some of her right to privacy then. i kept a copy of some of those letters in my computer just to remind myself im not nuts.
> ...


Why would you feel guilty about snooping? That is protecting your marriage. A good husband would do this. You have. Not snooping is incompetent and ambivalent. It is not caring.

We cannot control people but we can control ourselves. I persoanlly would not have been ok with her going. I would have had her served with divorce papers. if she went anyway then fine. But while it was not a good idea to let her go without standing firm it is just as bad to do nothing now. You have been way too accomodating. That is not attractive. She is seeking out other men who she finds attractive. She owns the affair(s) but you are not being firm enough so you in essence tolerate this abuse. That enables the affairs. You should tell her she needs to come home now. That you will be filing Monday if she is not back home.


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## piggyoink (Apr 10, 2012)

pipl.com 'sometimes' products better results than just googling a guy.


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