# Wife's affairs



## AJ Anon (Jul 8, 2021)

TLDR: in one day you get told you're being investigated for possible cancer and your wife is f***ing another guy; how's your day going?
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A couple of months ago, actually shortly before our wedding anniversary, my wife decided to tell me she was walking out; she 'wasn't sure how she felt anymore'. No preamble, no discussion. 
This was shortly after my father passed away. I was, and still am, struggling deeply with that loss as it is.
I obviously was blown away. I asked what was wrong, what had changed. I was told 'she didn't know'. I found out later that was a lie.
Anyway I told her I wanted her to be happy but that we had a lifetime behind us (20yrs together & 15 married) that had to be worth fighting for, and two beautiful kids who would be devastated too. She seemed to reconsider and said she wanted to 'try'. I looked into couples therapy and printed out things to help; she said she'd read it and we'd talk. Weeks passed, then months, and I waited. I asked if she wanted to talk, to go out, to do anything, but there's was always an excuse for no, for not trying ...for just getting on with her life and me coasting with my non-existence whilst I waited.
Then obviously I got ill.
Pretty ill.
Not being able to eat ill. Not being able to retain what I did eat ill. Losing 20lbs in 3-4 weeks without trying ill.
Being told that cancer is a possible (but not the only one, there's still less sinister ones) option ill, and lots of medical stuff happening. 
So I pushed the issue and told my partner of 20 years and wife of 15 years we HAD to talk, and that I KNEW there was a problem.
Because I am not stupid.
I told her not to lie to me. To do me the courtesy of not treating me like I'm stupid.
She did both.
She told me she hadn't been cheating on me.
She instead said she'd only been doing some 'harmless sexting' with someone, a friend, because she was bored.
She said this to my face.
She lied to my face.
For a couple of hours I sat with this lie then couldn't anymore and told her, point blank, that I knew she was lying.
So she admitted that for the last few months - from before she told me there were any problems - she's been cheating on me with someone else.
This started not long after my dad died.
It continued before my son's birthday.
Before our wedding anniversary. 
While I was ill.
Then I found out it actually started nearly 20 years ago, before we even got married; with the same guy.
She met this guy at work when we first moved house, when we were only engaged and shehad a 'fling' with him, married me, then picked up again 5 months ago.
For a bit of 'fun'.
While telling me we were working on things.
...then, just today, I found out she's ALSO been sexting for a whole with a longterm friend of mine, again very explicit stuff, and it turns out she had a short-term physical affair/fling with him about 15 years ago. So all this time I've been friends with him without knowing too.
So, yeah, that's my life ...or what's left of it... right now.
She says she doesn't know why she did the first two, years ago, just it was fun, and the recent thing because she felt our related got complacent and lost its way so wanted that fun back again.
I have no idea what I'm doing anymore...
I'm completely lost.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Shes a serial cheater. Stay you’ll get more of what you’ve already gotten.

Sorry man but all cheaters lie a lot. Your whole life has been a lie. Consult with 3 attorneys. DNA your children.

You’ll only be a chump in this situation if you allow it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

AJ, your story is heartbreaking. Unfortunately, it's not unusual. Whether now or at some point when the shock begins to wear off, you might want to read this post by @bobert.



https://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/posts/20311787/


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## AJ Anon (Jul 8, 2021)

The only blessing here is that I 100% know that mine because, due to medical reasons, both have required blood and genetic testing for other things.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

AJ Anon said:


> The only blessing here is that I 100% know that mine because, due to medical reasons, both have required blood and genetic testing for other things.


Make sure you’re certain. It’s not unheard of for a dr/nurse/spec to withhold information from a “father” that indicates he’s not actually the father. Especially if not directly and officially asked..


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I don't know how serious your cancer is (VERY sorry about that for you), but you may want to make sure that your "wife" is taken off all of your life insurance, your will, etc..
Sorry but she is a real POS. And you should make sure your long term friend -- that HIS wife knows about him cheating.


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## AJ Anon (Jul 8, 2021)

From the DNA point of view it is 100% certain. I share a genetics team with my kids and one of them has inherited a rare disease from me, which the other had to be tested for (meant testing MY dad at the same time). So the kids are definitely mine.

At the moment - while it was VERY tempting - I have not contacted or spoken to anyone else about this, including the other partners/wives involved. Part of me thinks they deserve to know, but part of me doesn't want them to go through this pain...

As for my will/life insurance: she's still the mother of my kids so, whatever happens to me, she's who I want looking after them and where my money would end up. I don't see a need to change that, no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum.

Both guys HAVE been told I know, and all contact has ceased, and been told to stay that way.

I find out on Friday about my medical prognosis. I've told her not to come with me, even though she did say she wanted to (not sure she'd be allowed in anyway).


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AJ Anon said:


> From the DNA point of view it is 100% certain. I share a genetics team with my kids and one of them has inherited a rare disease from me, which the other had to be tested for (meant testing MY dad at the same time). So the kids are definitely mine.
> 
> At the moment - while it was VERY tempting - I have not contacted or spoken to anyone else about this, including the other partners/wives involved. Part of me thinks they deserve to know, but part of me doesn't want them to go through this pain...
> 
> ...


A good Mom does NOT cheat on the father of the kids for the entire duration of the marriage. She does not put her entire family at risk for diseases.
Also, you can have a trust made for your kids so that THEY will still have money without HER having access to this.
Have a different family memeber be the manager of the trust -- and when they need something, MOM can provide the bills to the trust manager to be reimbursed.

As for the wives, they SHOULD KNOW - - they need to know who they have been married to all this time so that THEY can make decisions for themselves. Wouldn't YOU have wanted to know the first time your wife cheated so that YOU could have had a different life? It's just the right thing to do.

I know that you are focused on your illness, but you seem to have NO anger towards what she did.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Living with that kind of betrayal would make anyone physically sick.

Affairs - plural… divorce her. You deserve better.

Change the life insurance policy - a trusted family member can manage money for your kids best interest.
If she gets the insurance money - you have no idea that the money would go to benefit your kids. And she doesn’t deserve it. Ya, there’s that!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

AJ Anon said:


> From the DNA point of view it is 100% certain. I share a genetics team with my kids and one of them has inherited a rare disease from me, which the other had to be tested for (meant testing MY dad at the same time). So the kids are definitely mine.


That’s good



AJ Anon said:


> At the moment - while it was VERY tempting - I have not contacted or spoken to anyone else about this, including the other partners/wives involved. Part of me thinks they deserve to know, but part of me doesn't want them to go through this pain...


You have a responsibility to tell them, they deserve to know and make their own decisions. Also you need to expose your wife’s betrayal far and wide. It’s not being vindictive, it’s what needs to happen and it’s a natural consequence.



AJ Anon said:


> As for my will/life insurance: she's still the mother of my kids so, whatever happens to me, she's who I want looking after them and where my money would end up. I don't see a need to change that, no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum.


Appoint guardian/trustee for your insurance money / will. Not your wife.
You need to get it through your head fast that she is not your friend, she is not your ally and she is not on your side.



AJ Anon said:


> Both guys HAVE been told I know, and all contact has ceased, and been told to stay that way.


Not nearly good enough dude. You need to get serious here. I understand that this is all fresh and your head is spinning with everything else going on. But you need to take control of the situation from a position of strength.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

And good luck on Friday.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

AJ Anon said:


> At the moment - while it was VERY tempting - I have not contacted or spoken to anyone else about this, including the other partners/wives involved. Part of me thinks they deserve to know, but part of me doesn't want them to go through this pain...
> 
> As for my will/life insurance: she's still the mother of my kids so, whatever happens to me, she's who I want looking after them and where my money would end up. I don't see a need to change that, no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum.
> 
> Both guys HAVE been told I know, and all contact has ceased, and been told to stay that way.


First of all the other spouses could be going through hell and not know why.

As far as her other guys being told to stay away. Cmon man. All cheaters lie a lot you can’t trust your wife.

The best way to try and end an affair is inform the other spouses.

Helping hide their affair just may get you more of what you’ve gotten. See that here all the time so wise up.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If you dont tell the OBS you are no different that one who knew your spouse was cheating and did not tell you....believe me...someone you know knew about the POS you are married to. I would set up a trust for Life insurance to go to for when they are of age. Otherwise she will be spending it on her FWBs if something happens to you. They will be partying it up on money that should be spent on your kids. She is morally bankrupt.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

this^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You finally found out. there's probably a lot more that you don't know yet. You do not want to go the nice amiable route. *Put yourself and your assets first from now on*. this just hit you. Learn. Change. You've come to the right place.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I hope it is something like Crones disease, and not colon cancer. 
Colon cancer might be overcome if it has not spread, metastasized..

You are being hit by all sides, by all the malevolent Astrological angles, semi-angles..

This is an _evil-train-of-events,_ besetting you, for sure.

I have no suggestions, other than you waiting out the storm.

At this time, take no undo chances, no risks of any kind.
Lay low.

I hope when this _whale of a gale _passes, it leaves you semi-intact.

You are in my prayers.



_King Brian-_


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## drencrom (Jul 1, 2021)

AJ Anon. Damn sorry you have to go through this.

First, and I know its always easier said than done, but you take care of the cancer issue. I know you said the doctor said its "possible" that you have cancer. But find out for sure first. If it turns out you do have it, then you take care of yourself first! Beat it!! 

If it turns out you do not have cancer, I recommend, secretly, contacting an attorney and get all your ducks in a row with him/her, then drop the bomb. Yes, the cheating #[email protected]#$ will likely make out like a bandit in the divorce, but you get your ball rolling way before she has to scramble and respond to your attorney. Then anything she tries to tell you, do NOT respond. Tell her to to talk to your attorney or hers. Make sure you find an attorney for a reputation as a bulldog. At this time its all I can advise having gone through this myself. If you do divorce and need to know what to expect, I've been through almost every legal scenario with my divorce and can help you what to ask your attorney.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@AJ Anon please keep your new friends at TAM updated on stuff, including your diagnosis.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Also, you can have a trust made for your kids so that THEY will still have money without HER having access to this.





Beach123 said:


> If she gets the insurance money - you have no idea that the money would go to benefit your kids. And she doesn’t deserve it. Ya, there’s that!


By all means. I've known several cases where the widow pissed the insurance away, leaving the kids to suffer. You may consider leaving the benefits specifically to the kids in the form of an annuity that pays X number of dollars/mo. A close relative or representative of the kids can challenge her use of the money whereas if she's the beneficiary she free to spend the money as she desires. 
Of course if you want to rely on her character and integrity to use the money to provide for the kids, its your prerogative.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

AJ Anon said:


> As for my will/life insurance: she's still the mother of my kids so, whatever happens to me, she's who I want looking after them and where my money would end up. I don't see a need to change that, no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum.


How is breaking up her family and putting her children's future in jeopardy being a good mom? 

Anyways, good luck with your diagnosis. I hope it all comes out negatives.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

ArthurGPym said:


> How is breaking up her family and putting her children's future in jeopardy being a good mom?
> 
> Anyways, good luck with your diagnosis. I hope it all comes out negatives.


Exactly!


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

my heath goes out to you try get the best advice to set up a trust for the kids ,


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Have your life insurance and other assets go to your children in a trust. They can have it when they are older. Don't give it to the mother.


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## Asterix (May 16, 2021)

AJ Anon said:


> As for my will/life insurance: she's still the mother of my kids so, whatever happens to me, she's who I want looking after them and where my money would end up. I don't see a need to change that, no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum.


I think you can set up estates and trusts so that the money goes exclusively towards your children. You can set up your trusted family/friends to be the executor of all this. She's showing some level of narcissistic tendencies and inability to sympathize with others.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

AJ Anon said:


> She met this guy at work when we first moved house, when we were only engaged and she had a 'fling' with him, married me, then picked up again 5 months ago.
> For a bit of 'fun'.


Think about this. While you were putting her first and later your family first, working your ass off to support them, what was she doing?_ She's out for a bit of fun_. This is the kind of crap guys are forced to deal with today. we generally know how we've gotten to this state of affairs. Not getting into that now. But cheating this long is flat-out disrespectful of the highest degree. You were Cuckold. Look it up. Someone who doesn't care. 

You said she's a good mom. She probably is but your judgment is based on someone you thought you knew. Not this lying long-term cheat who is the true version. Your version is a false version. 

We've seen a lot of stories here. I'm pretty sure the cheating goes way deeper than she's telling you.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

AJ Anon said:


> no matter what she's done to me she IS a good mum


@AJ Anon what is your definition of a good mum?
Surely not the one that blows up her marriage, family and children's world with infidelity?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> @AJ Anon what is your definition of a good mum?
> Surely not the one that blows up her marriage, family and children's world with infidelity?


Shouldnt he get tested for STDs? Who knows what his WW brought home.


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> Shouldnt he get tested for STDs? Who knows what his WW brought home.


And some STDs get transmitted via saliva, what if she carries one or more of those STDs, and she goes kissing the kids!!
Mum of the year!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> And some STDs get transmitted via saliva, what if she carries one or more of those STDs, and she goes kissing the kids!!
> Mum of the year!


With just the history OP knows, I would be astounded if she didnt have at least one STD. Some dont exhibit symtoms for awhile ( like years )


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

AJ, Just checking in -- hope you got good news at the Dr today.


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## emptyandoverit (Apr 14, 2021)

AJ Anon said:


> TLDR: in one day you get told you're being investigated for possible cancer and your wife is f***ing another guy; how's your day going?
> -----------
> A couple of months ago, actually shortly before our wedding anniversary, my wife decided to tell me she was walking out; she 'wasn't sure how she felt anymore'. No preamble, no discussion.
> This was shortly after my father passed away. I was, and still am, struggling deeply with that loss as it is.
> ...


Similar situation here. The lies, the cheating, the excuses. You are going to convince yourself of every reason in the world why you should forgive, forget and move on but it is never going to work. She is not sorry for what she did and that is evident in her trying to minimilize what she has done. You are not a cuckold. You are worth so much more than that. Just because you spent 20 years with someone doesn't mean you need to spend 30,40, 50 years etc living in a home with a wayward spouse. She is going to do this again and I would be surprised if this truly wasn't a physical thing at any point. You get one life man, do you really want to spend that life laying with the enemy?


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