# Household chores



## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I know there have been several threads over time about what a man's role should be in housework. It seems that some men are totally lazy and won't lift a finger, and women don't like that. On the other hand, it seems that if a guy does too much, it's not very sexy from the woman's point of view. It appears that women would just like some recognition about how hard they work in the home.

I had a unique situation, however, that a female TAM friend said I should ask here. In my 18 years of marriage, I did a lot of housework. I did most all the laundry always, and there were times when I did a large portion of the other housework. I did a lot of diaper changes and getting up in the night with babies. When my x became "no longer happy" and wanted a divorce, all that didn't seem to matter, although I never heard her complain during the marriage.

My situation was that I got a lot more vacation time than my wife. I got 8 weeks in the summer and a few weeks here and there throughout the year. The thing is, I would have felt like a total slob to have just sat around on my time off and waited for my wife to come in and clean the house. During the times I was off for long periods and she was working, I did most everything. I would cook supper, etc. It just made sense to me under the circumstances.

Are you ladies split on this? Would some of you have loved it while others would not? If the way i did it was a mistake, how should I have handled it differently?


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## mrsamazing (Feb 9, 2012)

I would have loved that. Dr Phil is right when he says if you want to turn your wife on, do the dishes. If I don't have to mentally check of all ether chores I have to do when I get home, I can think about what a hot **** my husband is and get excited for him. 
It us totally possibles that tour wifely behavior turned your wife off though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi southbound ~

I think the only time it could qualify as being a 'mistake' is if the housework being done is deceitful ... in otherwords, if you are only doing the housework in order to get something (oh, maybe something like sex ) out of your wife ... so in essence if it is a covert contract that likely has never been shared with your spouse then I don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.

Likewise, if your spouse takes advantage of your generosity and doesn't also pitch in, then I also don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.

But, otherwise, helping out around the house, especially if you have more time off... simply because you ARE a member of the family is all good, in my opinion. Too bad that your wife couldn't see that.

Best wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I never even think about housework. I work half of what Hubs works, so I'm home more, so I do most of the housework. But he takes care of the yard and lately, since surgery, he's been AMAZING at doing some of the things I can't. 

He also does deep cleaning once a month--- moves furniture and vacuums. Sexy. I just sit and watch my "wife porn"


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I love it when my husband helps with the housework. I did have to learn early in our marriage that he does things his way, I need to keep my mouth shut about my standards if I want his help. I think it was very loving of you to see what needed to be done, and do it while you were home and she was working.

Do you think that you did too much for your wife? Did you feel that her needs were more important than your needs? What was her attitude about you doing the housework?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Hi southbound ~
> 
> I think the only time it could qualify as being a 'mistake' is if the housework being done is deceitful ... in otherwords, if you are only doing the housework in order to get something (oh, maybe something like sex ) out of your wife ... so in essence if it is a covert contract that likely has never been shared with your spouse then I don't think it's a good thing for the relationship.





lovesherman said:


> Do you think that you did too much for your wife? Did you feel that her needs were more important than your needs? What was her attitude about you doing the housework?




I'm sure I brought it to her attention in later years, especially during the divorce, that I had been rather handy around the house, but that certainly wasn't how it got started, nor was it the attitude I gave in the beginning. As I said, I got a lot more vacation time than her, and I never was the kind of guy who had a wood project going in the basement or stayed in the garage all the time; so, it just made sense that I would take care of these things. I would have felt like a complete idiot to have done nothing.

Another factor was that her job was more physically demanding than mine with more daily hours. She was really exhausted at first. Sometimes she would come in and it was like all her energy had been drained, so, I didn't mind cooking supper for my new bride and helping out. She always seemed to appreciate what I did, but I do believe she took it for granted over the years. 

It was years into our marriage that I started to hear things, like from the Dr. Phil show, that helping around the house could actually help with the sex life because it was a positive thing instead of a negative, like sitting on your butt. I realized that I already did all this stuff, but it didn't seem to help. I later started to hear that husbands doing too much housework might actually be a turn-off.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

If you had the time to help out & you did, then you did right.

You're just wanting justification that you were a "good husband". Something went wrong, for you to be divorced. I'm guessing it was NOT over fights that you helped out too much with the chores.

Yes... it's a good quality to help out. If your next relationship, you find that she doesn't appreciate it, or that she thinks you are in some way telling her she doesn't do a good enough job.. .then I'd say you two are not compatible and that you should find a lady who will appreciate the things you are willing to give in a relationship.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i do my fair share around the house and have a fulltime job and am the sole breadwinner. i do what needs doing without any intent to get anything back for it, which is good cause i dont


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I would have loved it - my ex wasn't too bad but left earlier than me and got home later, so expected me to do it all and do the dinner despite having done a full day at work too

funny, it's much cleaner and tidier now he isn't here....


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Chelle D said:


> If you had the time to help out & you did, then you did right.
> 
> You're just wanting justification that you were a "good husband". Something went wrong, for you to be divorced. I'm guessing it was NOT over fights that you helped out too much with the chores.
> 
> Yes... it's a good quality to help out. If your next relationship, you find that she doesn't appreciate it, or that she thinks you are in some way telling her she doesn't do a good enough job.. .then I'd say you two are not compatible and that you should find a lady who will appreciate the things you are willing to give in a relationship.


Good point. I guess she didn't divorce me because I was too helpful. And i suppose i did do everything I thought made a good husband, yet I still drove a woman to unhappiness. It just seems weird sometimes.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I would have loved it had my estranged husband helped with the household chores. We worked the same number of hours, yet he did very little to help around the house. Every time I asked for help, he disappeared off to play another video game or get on the computer. My parents really felt sorry for me and helped out more than my husband. Dad took care of the yard and Mom sometimes did some of the housework or helped the children with homework. 

Your wife was blessed to have you around!


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Your wife was blessed to have you around!


I appreciate the comment. Someone wrote earlier that I was wanting justification that I was a good husband, and I suppose that's true to a point. There were no issues like cheating or abuse, so the demise of my marriage was more of a puzzle to me.

She dated a guy for a while and she told me that "he is better to me than you ever were." So, in a few short weeks, he outdid my entire 18 years with her. He then dumped her for "another" woman and married her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Coffee Amore said:


> Do tell. What's your "wife porn"?


Just him cleaning and working around the house. he'll do it shirtless with his tool belt.  It's sexy.


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## hurtnohio (Jul 17, 2011)

mrsamazing said:


> I would have loved that. Dr Phil is right when he says if you want to turn your wife on, do the dishes. If I don't have to mentally check of all ether chores I have to do when I get home, I can think about what a hot **** my husband is and get excited for him.
> It us totally possibles that tour wifely behavior turned your wife off though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


SB, I think there might have been some other reasons your wife wanted out. I don't think you doing the chores was the reason. 

I've heard Dr. Phil say this, too. And it's probably true with healthy wives. Now that I've realized I'm married to someone who probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of things from our past 18 years make sense.

I did the dishes a lot. And rather than turning her on, she would usually get angry with me. She had various reasons, but here are some of the tops: (1) When I'm doing dishes, I'm not spending time with her. Never mind that all she was doing was watching TV. If I didn't watch TV with her, she felt abandoned. (2) I didn't wash them the right way. If I didn't put the dirty dishes on the left of the sink and the clean ones to dry on the right, I was messing up her little system. Never mind that I might like having the clean ones drying on the left because there's more room there. If I put the dishes on the "wrong" side of the sink, I'd get a lecture. (3) I didn't put them in the right cupboard. I tried to, honestly. But sometimes I would put a plastic cup in the cupboard with the glass ones. OH MY GOSH the anguish that would cause!

Finally, I gave up. Let her wash her own damn dishes.

But in my case at least, Dr. Phil was full of crap. Me trying to help out was a major turnoff. Of course me NOT trying to help out is also a turnoff. Everything I do is a turnoff. Sigh....


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

hurtnohio said:


> SB, I think there might have been some other reasons your wife wanted out. I don't think you doing the chores was the reason.
> 
> I've heard Dr. Phil say this, too. And it's probably true with healthy wives. Now that I've realized I'm married to someone who probably has Borderline Personality Disorder, a lot of things from our past 18 years make sense.
> 
> ...


I'm sure she didn't divorce me because I did too many chores, but there were no big issues like cheating or abuse. It startled the kids because they though things were fine. Since there was none of the obvious reasons, I'm just looking at all the other stuff. In my situation, Dr. Phil was full of it too.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> I appreciate the comment. Someone wrote earlier that I was wanting justification that I was a good husband, and I suppose that's true to a point. There were no issues like cheating or abuse, so the demise of my marriage was more of a puzzle to me.
> 
> She dated a guy for a while and she told me that "he is better to me than you ever were." So, in a few short weeks, he outdid my entire 18 years with her. He then dumped her for "another" woman and married her.


Southbound ...it seems to me (offering up this thought in a humble tone as really, whadda I know?) that you were out of touch with your wife's needs because:

a) you remained unaware instead of being in-tune with her 
b) she didn't give you the chance to actually know 

I would think that with both of these options there is responsibility on both of you. This wasn't about what you did or didn't do. Whether it's just one that has become uninspired in the relationship, or both, it seems there's mutual responsibility for the break-down of an otherwise "healthy" relationship. And then there's mutual responsibility for the potential fight to make it work too. 

Sometimes people come with their own previous experiences too, life stories, that can also influence how they handle situations. Whether one is a cut and run or work it out. It's not an easy thing to summarize and wrap up neatly, to allocate a cause or blame. Truth is, most of the time, no one side actually is to blame. And assigning blame to the other seems a convenient way to side-step having to take responsibility ourselves. And shouldering the blame yourself, seems rather unforgiving too. 

I hope you can reconcile in your own mind, this wasn't just about you. It wasn't just about her either. In time, perhaps there will be room for forgiveness and acceptance.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> Southbound ...it seems to me (offering up this thought in a humble tone as really, whadda I know?) that you were out of touch with your wife's needs because:
> 
> a) you remained unaware instead of being in-tune with her
> b) she didn't give you the chance to actually know
> ...


Thanks for the comments. Now that you mention it, she dealt with people with the cut-and run method; she did it with other people in her life. I guess I didn't pay much attention until she did it to me.


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.

It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Trenton said:


> Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.
> 
> It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.


:iagree: AMEN SISTA!... 

My thoughts exactly. When i said something had to be wrong in the marriage for the divorce & that I was betting it was not about his helping household chores.... I was not trying to imply that he was at fault. I was not trying to say that he "wasn't" a good husband.

Just felt like he wanted some justification. I agree that he needs to be confident that he will find someone more compatible next time & stick with doing things in a relationship for his woman that he wants to do for her.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Trenton said:


> Southbound isn't it possible that it is your wife and not you? That you were a loving, helpful partner but that your wife was incapable or unwilling of accepting that love and help? Maybe you need to come to terms with this so that you can move on with your confidence in tact and be ready and willing to accept love from another woman who will appreciate you for who you are, strengths and weaknesses, and be open enough to share with you herself.
> 
> It is my humble opinion that the end of your relationship had very little to do with whether or not you were doing chores in this case.


Yes, I believe it was mostly her being different than most women or people in general. I just consider it a learning experience to look at all the possibilities. I don't want to drive another woman to unhappiness.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

southbound said:


> Yes, I believe it was mostly her being different than most women or people in general. I just consider it a learning experience to look at all the possibilities. I don't want to drive another woman to unhappiness.


I find it sad that you consider 'driving another woman to unhappiness' ...I think self-awareness and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes is positive but it doesn't seem you have given yourself much room for the potential thought 'wanting to attract a woman that deserves this'. Okay the word deserve is a bit diva-ish but your wife had a huge part to play in this too. Try not to shoulder it all and become the victim as a result.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

heartsbeating said:


> I find it sad that you consider 'driving another woman to unhappiness' ...I think self-awareness and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes is positive but it doesn't seem you have given yourself much room for the potential thought 'wanting to attract a woman that deserves this'. Okay the word deserve is a bit diva-ish but your wife had a huge part to play in this too. Try not to shoulder it all and become the victim as a result.


To be honest, reading comments here has caused me to shoulder more of the blame to a degree. I was a good provider, wouldn't cheat, was a good father, etc. I come from an area of the country where unless it;s cheating or abuse, people work it out. She just became unhappy because I didn't seem to want to do anything anymore. Once she decided she wanted the divorce, she looked back and it appeared I never did anything right. Everybody I talked to in person thought she had lost her mind after 18 years, even some of her own family.

Then I come here and discover that there are people who just "fall out of love" or suffer in silence or would divorce because their spouse became a little boring over the years. So, I had to start rethinking my role in this. I started this thread because I read that some women think its not sexy if their man does household chores, etc. I know she didn't divorce me over that alone, but perhaps it was a hundred little things like that that caused the unhappiness.


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