# Stress and Temptation in Long-Term Marriage



## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

Hi there. I'm new here and very, very nervous to be posting anything. I am so sorry if this is stream of conscious, but I've had a lot on my mind. 

I am a female, married about 15 years to my husband. We are both around 40, and we have a couple of kids. For the most part, our marriage has been very solid. Husband is a good communicator, splits housework, good provider, and we have an active bedroom life. So, all's good, right?

Well, kind of. I sure could use some opinions/support from some unbiased people. 

I deal with some constant but low-level stress and anxiety. I used to be a pain in the a** at times. However, I am now under a doctor's care and do take medication (for 7+ years). For the most part, it's done wonders. 

Husband was very, very stable emotionally until a few years ago. He went through some rough periods, and finally was diagnosed with a form of OCD. Basically, he tends to over-analyze and over-focus on me and our relationship. Folks, there were some rough times about a year ago. He wanted us to be more open and communicative sexually. I agreed. He asked if I ever, umm, participated in any self-love and I answered honestly. Once he found out that I masturbated, he freaked out. He spent months obsessing over it, thinking I was some kind of masturbation-addicted individual and that I was not having sex with him because of it. In reality, we were averaging 1-2 times/week and I was only "self-loving" maybe once every week or two. Honestly. I couldn't even take a nap without him popping in to try to "catch" me. It was awful and I accused him of being controlling.

After seeing a therapist for a few months, he eventually calmed down. Things returned to a relative state of normal, but I was upset at him for revealing some personal details about this to a couple of his friends/family members. We didn't do marriage counseling, but did go through the love languages book and do all the exercises and talking. It helped until a couple of months ago. 

Let's discuss the stress currently in our lives:
1. I started a new job earlier this year (back to work F/T, much higher pay but higher demands - I LOVE my new job and get so much satisfaction from it). 
2. One of our kids was just diagnosed ADD. 
3. We recently learned that a member of my husband's family of origin has a terminal cancer. 
4. We haven't been away together in almost two years. 
5. The money coming in is really good, but we have debt (we are working through it and do have a plan). 
6. We have two young kids and all that comes along with that. 
7. I have my milestone 40th creeping up soon. 

Our already full plate has gotten much fuller of late.

Now, the temptation. I was speaking to one of my male co-workers at my job recently, and we were discussing some pretty benign topics and his upcoming vacation. We started talking about a vacation spot we both enjoy and I suddenly had this sinking feeling. I realized I found this person really, really attractive (he is single and about 5 years older than me, just so you have the info). Sh*t. I mean, I really like this job and don't want any complications here or at home. 

I have never been unfaithful. I don't believe my husband has either. I don't want to be unfaithful. We have so much history and so much to save. BUT I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT MY COWORKER. I know it is limerance. But that knowledge doesn't help my feelings.

So here I am, two months later. I still find this person extremely attractive. We have a small office. I don't go out to lunch with him alone, don't text or instant message, and try to avoid lengthy conversations. Our conversation has stayed very "safe," and I've not said anything to him that I wouldn't say if my husband were standing right there. My gut tells me he finds me attractive, and he has sought out my company. Of course who wouldn't be flattered, and at almost 40 it feels GOOD to be desired, but I've read enough around here to know this is a dangerous, slippery slope. 

I fear telling my husband because of his OCD. He will freak out if I say "hey, so I think this guy at work is attractive. Not gonna do anything about it, but want to get that out there." I've told a couple of friends just to diffuse my desires a bit. 

Honestly, I think I'm so overwhelmed by the stress that I just enjoy the escape of the fantasy. I do fantasize about this person sexually. But I have been channeling that into more sex with my husband. Guys, what do I do here? Is this somewhat normal in a long-term, stressed-out marriage? Do I go to counseling to just discuss my obvious mid-life crisis? Do we go to marriage counseling to discuss ways to get closer? To reconnect? My husband carries so much guilt about the kids - he worries constantly that we're not doing enough, not engaged enough, etc. We are, it's just another of his compulsive worries. But, this worry in particular is an issue for me b/c I am a "quality time" love language person, and that takes away from it. I am just so tired of feeling this way.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

FBOW said:


> I have never been unfaithful. I don't believe my husband has either. I don't want to be unfaithful. We have so much history and so much to save. BUT I CANNOT STOP THINKING ABOUT MY COWORKER. I know it is limerance. But that knowledge doesn't help my feelings.
> 
> So here I am, two months later. I still find this person extremely attractive. We have a small office. I don't go out to lunch with him alone, don't text or instant message, and try to avoid lengthy conversations. Our conversation has stayed very "safe," and I've not said anything to him that I wouldn't say if my husband were standing right there. My gut tells me he finds me attractive, and he has sought out my company. Of course who wouldn't be flattered, and at almost 40 it feels GOOD to be desired, but I've read enough around here to know this is a dangerous, slippery slope.
> 
> ...


You stop fantasizing about him sexually and at all. I presume you masturbate thinking about him and what this does is reinforce your feelings for him. You are releasing neurochemicals like oxytocin which feeds your desire for him. You need to stop this and minimize as much contact with him as possible.

Also you need to invest in your relationship with your husband. You need to make time to bond again and rebuild those connections that are slowly being displaced by your fantasies of another. You mention having not been away together for a long time. Find a way to make it happen.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to find a way to take the power of your attraction away. This may involve telling your husband, as much as you do not want to.

Is your husband still in counseling? If so, could you call and talk to his counselor and see what they suggest? Perhaps a 'disclosure session' could be arranged or something?

How do you dress for work? Who else do you interact with at work?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Spend a few days reading SurvivingInfidelity.com. Read all the posts, practice empathy while you read. That's your future if you keep down this path. There are 2 types of people when it comes to relationships, cheaters and non-cheaters. Once you become one you never get the chance to go back, and many people will just assume you are a bad person. You will hurt your husband, your kids, and yourself. Why do you think you deserve more then one person who loves you. Why do you think you deserve more then a person who has dedicated his life to you. So you find the other guy attractive, so what? Why is this different that anything else that you want that you can't have. Do you make it a practice to steal things you can't afford? Why is this any difference. The guy you find attractive is not for you, that's it.

Work on bonding with your husband. Still most people see and interact with people who they are attracted to every day. Only people with poor boundaries make that an personal crisis. You know better. Concentrate of what it will do to your husband, your children not the short period of enjoyment you will have. It's not worth it, and if you can't get a handle on it quit you job. Your life will be better for it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FBOW said:


> I do fantasize about this person sexually. But I have been channeling that into more sex with my husband.


This is why you can't get over the guy.

Stop doing this.

It is going to keep you attracted to him and secretly pining for his attention.

We are all free to fantasize about whatever we want...but if you really want to let go of your crush on this guy, stop sexually fantasizing about him. It isn't fair to your husband. Would it be ok with you if your husband was fantasizing about another woman, then having more and better sex with you, but only because he was thinking of someone other than you? (Note: you may not be able to answer this honestly, because you are in a fog of sorts and in your mind, you may be thinking to yourself "oh I bet he already does fantasize about other people than me, its no big deal". But you would not feel this way if not for the extreme amounts of justification your mind has to go through in order to deal with what you are doing and how badly you KNOW it would hurt him if he knew about it).


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> You need to find a way to take the power of your attraction away. This may involve *telling your husband*, as much as you do not want to.
> 
> Is your husband still in counseling? If so, could you call and talk to his counselor and see what they suggest? Perhaps a 'disclosure session' could be arranged or something?
> 
> How do you dress for work? Who else do you interact with at work?


If her husband were mostly normal, mostly reasonable he would flip out and become OCD and become a tireless detective.

Since her husband is ALREADY OCD and jealous he would flip out and break his neck. Telling him about her crush will force the marriage out of business.

Too risky this. Put this man out of your mind. Remember, he seems great because he has no shared baggage with you. You do not see him when he gets up in the morning, unshaven. Or when you have to deal with him in a home setting, with all the issues that ensue. His good commonalities will fade as his quirks grow more evident.

One more thing. If you did get involved with him in an illicit affair....would you want to marry a man who cheated with a married women. A man who willingly took part in the break up of a marriage with children? Where would his morals rate on a scale of one to ten?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I fear telling my husband because of his OCD. He will freak out if I say "hey, so I think this guy at work is attractive. Not gonna do anything about it, but want to get that out there." I've told a couple of friends just to diffuse my desires a bit.


 @FBOW No! No No! Just *NO! *

You should not fear telling your husband this because of his OCD!

*You should fear telling him this because it would be a really vile, cruel and nasty thing to do to anyone, if they had OCD or not! *

I went through something similar at work over a very pretty female colleague.

I did nothing about it.

I told no one about it. Especially not my wife.

That's what you need to do. In my opinion, based on my experience.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Don't tell your husband!!!!!

We're all humans, so we all find ourselves attracted to people we're not married to. You can be the farm you husband has found other women very attractive. Some people have the kind of marriage where they can joke about it, but yours is not one of them! Don't tell him. Just don't.

I think you do several things. One is to have really strong boundaries with this guy. It sounds like you've started and are trying. Really make sure you establish strong boundaries. And then be sure you aren't sending conflicting messages. Put a few pictures of your family including your husband on your desk at work. Make sure you're wearing your wedding ring. Mention your husband in positive terms to your other coworkers, and with this guy. If this guy tries to converse with you about your family or marriage, shut him down politely but firmly. You can tell him you realize you crossed some lines in the past with discussing personal matters at work and you are going to stop doing that.

We had good friends right across the street (before the divorce) the same age as us with kids the same age. The woman and I had instant chemistry. Idk if our spouses detected it, but there was no doubt between me and her that we both knew it. And we both kept really strong boundaries. We never went into each others homes except with our own spouse or for the briefest minute to retrieve our kids when they were younger. No prolonged talks at the mailbox. I know that neither one of us wanted to cross those lines. For nearly 20 years we have done this. And I think we both know it would not have been anything more than a transient diversion from reality had we gotten involved.

So that's how you have to look at it. This is not something you want. You can't help the biochemistry of the situation, but you can understand this is not what you want to do. So set the boundaries.

On top of that, I think you need to separately work on the marriage. MC would probably be smart. There are a ton of good books which are an alternative if you can both be disciplined and have a positive attitude to do it yourself. But a good guided MC makes sense. I think your family might benefit from reviewing your priorities and being sure you whatever you do matches those priorities.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I think you're suffering from the "too comfortable marriage" itch, along with subconsciously looking for a way out of thinking about the rest of what's going on in your life.

Throwing another iron in the fire isn't going to help, in addition to the possible fact that this male coworker may not look at you the same as you see him.

I think we've all had offices crushes now and then that of course we never acted on; maybe because our husbands had become just that, husbands we'd been married to for soo long. As they shave their beards and leave the clippings in the sink, leave their dirty laundry all over the floor for us to pick up, burp and snore, etc. Life has become mundane and some of us walk around with our eyes half open while we open the fridge in the morning to get the eggs and bacon, throw it in and pan, and then on the table...eating our breakfasts and reading the paper.

Yeah, marriage can get pretty boring sometimes. It also can consist of getting overly annoyed with your spouse for silly reasons.

Your husband is trying. Stick with it. 

In the meantime..

Seek help from a good counselor to talk through all of this, as you really need to unload.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Despite some bumps, you have it really good. You said so yourself.

So, why would you want to even entertain thoughts of ruining it?

Your husband's OCD may be one thing, but perhaps you are unsatisfied with life unless it has some upheaval?

When you've known constant stress for a while, it becomes the norm. I think that instead of looking to another as a refreshing and deceptive way out, you focus more on what you can do to improve the things stressing you out and depressing you at home.

Stay away from this guy. Business discussions only if you must interact.
He is single. You are NOT.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

We are human and will feel attraction toward others, it's a simple fact. Honestly there's nothing wrong with that as long as you respect your boundaries of a married woman, it sounds like you do that well except for the fantasizing part, and again, if we all are going to be honest I believe most of have done that. 

The problem I see is you think another life will be better than the life you have, so you are tempted to explore that, and that probably would lead to catastrophe... broken marriage, loss of self respect, stress at work or possible job loss, possibly estranged from your children...etc

The best advise I can give you is work on your marriage first, if you don't see yourself being happy long term than divorce your husband. Don't cheat, it will only add more negativity to your life.

By the way the things you are stressing about seem to be normal day to day life things, talk with your doctor, maybe a change in medication or therapy may help you learn better coping skills.

And don't tell your husband you are fantasizing about another man!


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## tailrider3 (Oct 22, 2016)

I agree with MattMatt. What good would come out of telling your husband? None. Imagine how you would feel if the roles were reversed and he said "hey...I've been masturbating thinking about this really hot younger chick at work who I think likes me too...just thought I would let you know." Any human being in a relationship where they loved the other person would be devastated and naturally get OCD if you ask me as they would flip out every time you stayed late at work. 

In my mind either you love your husband or not. If you do then you will be able to squash all of these feelings for your co-worker as you know it is not right. If not, then you don't love him. From personal experience, I had the chance when on a business trip once to hook up with a 20yr old drop dead gorgeous intern. It was a done deal and she was leaving to go back to her country at the end of the week so there wouldn't be any work issues. We were at an office party, I literally just met her the prior day, and we were all leaving. She was waiting for me to kiss her, standing in my personal space, and to take her back to my room. And we were all a little drunk. Not that I am a saint, and I wish my wife could read this right now, but I stopped, thought of my wife, and politely walked away. All the other guys were just relentless in ribbing me afterwards, but, I love my wife and her face is the only one I want to see in bed with me. And to be honest, my wife's and I's sex life at the time was NO WHERE near what it was but still, I love her and I wouldn't want her to do that to me.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would not feel right hiding anything from my husband, OP. Spouses should be able to share their burdens with each other. I think my husband would feel he had not earned my trust if I felt I could not freely go to him with all my thoughts and feelings, including sometimes feeling attracted to other men.

Talking about this with a therapist would be very helpful. And I would highly suggest having your husband there. Imo, he needs to know your heart, including your temptations, regardless of his own possible insecurities about it. 

Trying to protect him in any way is not going to help him grow. Trusting him to hear your honest concerns, and together finding ways to lessen those attractions, could really strengthen your mutual bond.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Do not tell your husband! These are just internal thoughts that you're having and you have not acted on them. Because of that, work this out with your own counselor and make yourself stop fantasizing about him. We don't always need to share every thought that we have with our spouse.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Sorry, but your husband isn't normal and I wouldn't tell him a damned thing. His behavior was utterly repulsive when you chose to be honest with him about masturbating. The nonsense and shame he put you through with his constant spying on you trying to 'catch' you by hiding behind doors and quickly popping into rooms you're in, accusing you of being some kind of pervert and all the other verbal abuse and bullsh*t unfound accusations he heaped on your head sound like *HELL *on earth.

He's the last person I'd tell about a displaced workplace crush that will eventually fizzle out. It's pretty clear you feel like a prisoner in your marriage and this guy at works represents everything you feel you're missing - freedom to be who you really ARE without having to suffer for it, excitement and exuberance and passion and a zest for life and everything else you're not getting in your marriage. What I'm saying is that I think you've got a crush on what this guy *represents*, not so much the man _himself_.

It just sounds as though you're constantly walking on eggshells with your husband and live in fear that some innocuous statement you might make (or the next time - heaven FORBID - you choose to be honest about something) could open you up to MONTHS of hell and ridicule while he needlessly wastes his time obsessing about it and making *your* life miserable in the process. Such joy.

*SO* been there and *SO* done that. 

I know EXACTLY what it's like to deal with someone like this. You make some off-hand comment in conversation or choose to share a private detail because they *asked* you in conversation, and they pick it up and run with it and obsess about it and before you know it, you're being accused of horrible things and *constantly* defending yourself against RIDICULOUS accusations that have no basis in truth _whatsoever_. None. You learn REAL quick to measure everything you say and filter everything that comes out your mouth in order not to trigger the crazy.

I just think you see this guy as someone you wouldn't have to measure every single thing you say and do around him and you find that incredibly attractive. As I said, I think you're more attracted to what he represents.

I think it would be a great idea to seek out therapy and share these private thoughts and feelings with someone who isn't going to make your life a living hell for it. But I sure wouldn't share it with your husband unless you'd like to open yourself up to the 7th circle of HELL for God knows how long.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Sorry, but your husband isn't normal and I wouldn't tell him a damned thing. His behavior was utterly repulsive when you chose to be honest with him about masturbating. The nonsense and shame he put you through with his constant spying on you trying to 'catch' you by hiding behind doors and quickly popping into rooms you're in, accusing you of being some kind of pervert and all the other verbal abuse and bullsh*t unfound accusations he heaped on your head sound like *HELL *on earth.
> 
> He's the last person I'd tell about a displaced workplace crush that will eventually fizzle out. It's pretty clear you feel like a prisoner in your marriage and this guy at works represents everything you feel you're missing - freedom to be who you really ARE without having to suffer for it, excitement and exuberance and passion and a zest for life and everything else you're not getting in your marriage. What I'm saying is that I think you've got a crush on what this guy *represents*, not so much the man _himself_.
> 
> ...


Very good points.

OP, if you don't feel you can trust your husband enough to tell him the truth, then please divorce him. You deserve someone you can be completely truthful with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

SunCMars said:


> If her husband were mostly normal, mostly reasonable he would flip out and become OCD and become a tireless detective.
> 
> Since her husband is ALREADY OCD and jealous he would flip out and break his neck. Telling him about her crush will force the marriage out of business.
> 
> ...


everyone seems to think that controlling the husband is way to go. In a relationship, she should be able to tell him anything. How he reacts is on him. In fact, it might break things open and force him to get the help he needs or reveal his true colors and they go to therapy or he falls off the deep end and she divorces. NOT TELLING HIM is tip toeing around his disease and is co-dependent. DON'T GO THERE. Treat him like an adult and if he can't handle it it's on him. It sounds like your self love emasculated him. That is his issue. Self love is normal. He needs to grow a pair and be ok with it. If not, and if you can't confide in him, you have bigger issues than the attraction to this guy. 

That said, honey, you guys need MC. Its normal to have crushes on people but don't get involved with this guy while married. Look at the long term consequences. So it destroys your marriage and you fall in love with him and leave your husband for him. Think you can be married to a guy who cheated with you? You'll never have trust. So why even go there?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> I would not feel right hiding anything from my husband, OP. Spouses should be able to share their burdens with each other. I think my husband would feel he had not earned my trust if I felt I could not freely go to him with all my thoughts and feelings, including sometimes feeling attracted to other men.
> 
> Talking about this with a therapist would be very helpful. And I would highly suggest having your husband there. Imo, he needs to know your heart, including your temptations, regardless of his own possible insecurities about it.
> 
> ...


I doubt it would help him in any way at all. 

It's like the dreaded ILYBINILWY speech but with added: "But it's OK, because there's this really cute guy at work who I really have a major crush on! I want him so bad I can almost touch it! In fact, I... honey? What's wrong? You have gone pale? Are you sick?"


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jld said:


> Very good points.
> 
> OP, if you don't feel you can trust your husband enough to tell him the truth, then please divorce him. You deserve someone you can be completely truthful with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 @jld *This advice is extremely dangerous and it is very, very unhelpful. 
*


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

so MattMatt she should just tiptoe around him?


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

The answer is very simple. QUIT YOUR JOB!!!

I know you love your job but do you love it enough to divorce your husband? If you're constantly thinking about the OM you're obviously not spending your time working. If I was your employer and found about this I'd fire you. Do your marriage and your employer a favor. Give your two weeks notice.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jld said:


> Very good points.
> 
> OP, if you don't feel you can trust your husband enough to tell him the truth, then please divorce him. You deserve someone you can be completely truthful with.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How about have empathy for your husband, and try to work together on his fears. I doubt this would be the same advice if the husband was spending all his time looking a porn, yet she is getting off to a co-worker and that is just fine. Just imagine if she found out he was taking care of himself with thoughts of coworkers. I doubt you would be fine with that. 

Just imagine your husband comes to you. Hi jid, I want to be honest with you, there is a really hot younger girl that I work with all the time, and I really want to F her and am really worried. I am also secretly masturbating to her as well. I just wanted you to know. Have a nice day. *This advice is so bad is sounds like a joke.* 

Maybe he is upset about her personal time because she is doing it imagining his friends? Maybe he knows it already and that is why he is unhappy. 

Once again this proves to me that any weakness a man shows to his wife will always be met with her disgust. Men if you are feeling week, best to hide if from your wife, unless she is a very special woman. She doesn't want to know and she doesn't want to help you, she will secretly be horrified, or seek someone else.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Once again this proves to me that any weakness a man shows to his wife will always be met with her disgust. Men if you are feeling week, best to hide if from your wife, unless she is a very special woman. She doesn't want to know and she doesn't want to help you, she will secretly be horrified, or seek someone else.


where on earth is this proven, especially in this thread?

I think what you say about a man confiding to his wife is just fine. But not end it" have a nice day." What about - "I don't like this about myself and want to be more connected to you." I think this would be a wake up call for the other spouse, not a reason to spiral down. We should be able to hear these things from each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

katies said:


> so MattMatt she should just tiptoe around him?


 @jld @katies

Do either of you have even the *slightest*, tiniest clue of how damaging it is to receive the news from their own mouth that your spouse is really, deeply in lust with someone else? 

Do you have even a scintilla of a notion just how hurtful that can be? How it's like someone has smashed you in your chest with a sledgehammer? 

Until you do, may I suggest that you keep such potentially dangerous and amateurish theories to yourselves? *Please*?

And I note with concern and exasperation that, even worse, you suggest this is done to someone who is OCD! :slap:


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> @jld @katies
> 
> Do either of you have even the *slightest*, tiniest clue of how damaging it is to receive the news from their own mouth that your spouse is really, deeply in lust with someone else?
> 
> ...


and I would say your theory and methodology for running a marriage is dangerous. I'd rather know. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone. Acting on it - another thing. Heaven forbid we discuss uncomfortable things in a marriage. We better tiptoe around each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

katies said:


> and I would say your theory and methodology for running a marriage is dangerous. I'd rather know. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone. Acting on it - another thing. Heaven forbid we discuss uncomfortable things in a marriage. We better tiptoe around each other.


Yes. Tell someone who is OCD that his wife doesn't find him physically attractive anymore.

But she really, really has the hots for a man at work.

And yes, that is the message her husband will receive, amplified, as it will be, by his OCD.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

katies said:


> and I would say your theory and methodology for running a marriage is dangerous. I'd rather know. *There is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone*. Acting on it - another thing. Heaven forbid we discuss uncomfortable things in a marriage. We better tiptoe around each other.


There is nothing abnormal about having a crush, but one has to be careful with using the term "nothing wrong". It is imperative that the person with the crush do everything in their power to eliminate the crush if they have any desire to keep their marriage. This includes not using their spouse to have sex by proxy with their crush.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Yes. Tell someone who is OCD that his wife doesn't find him physically attractive anymore.
> 
> But she really, really has the hots for a man at work.
> 
> And yes, that is the message her husband will receive, amplified, as it will be, by his OCD.


His OCD is not HER problem. If she continues to protect him in that way, it's not a true marriage anyway.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> There is nothing abnormal about having a crush, but one has to be careful with using the term "nothing wrong". It is imperative that the person with the crush do everything in their power to eliminate the crush if they have any desire to keep their marriage. This includes not using their spouse to have sex by proxy with their crush.


I agree with this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

katies said:


> His OCD is not HER problem. If she continues to protect him in that way, it's not a true marriage anyway.


*Yes, it is her problem.*

How so?

She married him with his OCD.

You have to be aware of the limitations of your spouse.

If they have OCD, you factor that in.

Here's an example of what I mean:-

My wife and I like to go out on walks together. My wife has arthritis and also has, compared to mine, a tiny stride.

So, do I march ahead at high speed? No. I temper my stride and walking speed to match hers.

Why? Because that is what married people do.

They make adjustments. 
*
Well, that's what they do if they want to remain married.*


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> and I would say your theory and methodology for running a marriage is dangerous. I'd rather know. There is nothing wrong with having a crush on someone. Acting on it - another thing. Heaven forbid we discuss uncomfortable things in a marriage. We better tiptoe around each other.


If she is secretly jacking to thoughts of him she is kinda acting on it don't cha think?:scratchhead:


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> His OCD is not HER problem. If she continues to protect him in that way, it's not a true marriage anyway.


What? In a good marriage you help your spouse, sickness and health remember? Of course she is suppose to protect him. Not a true marriage? I am hesitant to ask what you think a true marriage is.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> My wife and I like to go out on walks together. My wife has arthritis and also has, compared to mine, a tiny stride.


Why that's not your problem, that's not a real marriage. /s


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

I'm really surprised by some of the advice in this thread. People will naturally become attracted to people other than their spouse. While some relationships can withstand the openness of communicating these attractions and desires freely, I think most cannot. It can be damaging to reveal desire for another - it creates insecurity and doubt about the state of the relationship. The spouse is left to analyze that attraction and make inferences and comparisons. All so that the divulging spouse can unburden themselves. I think the exception would be if the person really needs that accountability from their spouse - it's become something more than just an attraction and they feel they are in danger of taking action. They admit weakness and request support, basically. Otherwise, if boundaries are on high alert, then it could do more harm than good. The OP is riding this fence but I feel she is mostly in control. She needs to take further steps to squash it as others have mentioned. 

Some have been vocal about the husbands reaction to her masturbation. I think that has very little to do with her masturbating and more to do with the expenditure of her sexual energy. If he isn't satisfied with 1-2 times per week, he is going to be upset that she is not including him. If I masturbate often enough that I couldn't perform during sex, then masturbation is a problem. At that point I'm masturbating at my wife's expense (assuming she wanted higher frequency). Sure, the OP owns her body and she can rub one out whenever she feels like it. But she is making a decision to potentially deny her husband an additional sexual episode per week or two weeks that could greatly increase his sexual satisfaction. His response is childish and not helpful, but it could have been curtailed somewhat by giving him reassurances that you will save your energy for him. Or conversely, you could declare your boundary and explain that you will be masturbating despite his objections and 1-2 times per week is what he can expect. He may be unhappy with that, but it's your compromise to make (or not make). If he's fine with the frequency and simply wants to control your masturbation habits, then he can pound sand. 


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> @jld @katies
> 
> Do either of you have even the *slightest*, tiniest clue of how damaging it is to receive the news from their own mouth that your spouse is really, deeply in lust with someone else?
> 
> ...


I do MattMatt and I believe that it can be helpful to do this under the right circumstances. The point of the thread is to provide advice what she should do and this is a legitimate step.

If one is having problems extinguishing feelings for another this disclosure can act as a spotlight that makes the spouse aware and sensitive to any interaction. I used this and it helped enormously in my case. I told my wife I was in love with her best friend. This hurt her tremendously. This established a transparency that I could not erase. There was no way I could continue escalating contact with her knowledge of the situation. It was game over from my point of view and there was nothing I could do but reduce contact and keep my word. The disclosure helped keep me honest with myself and my wife.

I agree that this won't work for everyone especially someone who has been diagnosed as OCD. However only FBOW can make the decision on whether it's something that would help keep her honest and not destroy her marriage. 

I understand the situation with your wife MattMatt and it's not what I would recommend in your case either but I think FBOW should consider it as an option. Only she knows all of the details of his behavior.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

rich84 said:


> I'm really surprised by some of the advice in this thread. People will naturally become attracted to people other than their spouse. While some relationships can withstand the openness of communicating these attractions and desires freely, I think most cannot. It can be damaging to reveal desire for another - it creates insecurity and doubt about the state of the relationship. The spouse is left to analyze that attraction and make inferences and comparisons. *All so that the divulging spouse can unburden themselves*


That's extraordinarily selfish.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

sokillme said:


> If she is secretly jacking to thoughts of him she is kinda acting on it don't cha think?:scratchhead:




Not really. People masturbate to anything that sexually charges them. Strangers, people from the office, people that they aren't even particularly attracted to, etc. Granted, it is certainly not helping her stop her desires for this guy. But acting on it in my mind involves the other person in some way. True, she has a budding EA with a quick conversion to PA if she doesn't turn the ship around. But right now? No. slippery slope. 


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

meson said:


> I do MattMatt and I believe that it can be helpful to do this under the right circumstances. The point of the thread is to provide advice what she should do and this is a legitimate step.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




This could have backfired on you tremendously. You admitted that you were very weak and that you needed accountability from your spouse in order to stay faithful. That's a very unattractive stance, and it could have resulted in a complete lack of trust, disgust, etc. that might have undermined your relationship completely. I'm glad it worked for you. I like that level of honesty. It sounds like it was your only option as you didn't even trust yourself. 


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> What? In a good marriage you help your spouse, sickness and health remember? Of course she is suppose to protect him. Not a true marriage? I am hesitant to ask what you think a true marriage is.


a marriage is one where you can talk to each other about anything. not control each other by keeping secrets. Additionally, I didn't take it from the OP that she married him with OCD, but that he went through something and was diagnosed with it.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

meson said:


> The disclosure helped keep me honest with myself and my wife.
> .


This.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

Wow, OP here. A lot has happened, I see. First, thanks for the insights and the time everyone took to respond. To answer a few questions that seem to stick out:

1. I do not dress provocatively at work. I dress in a fashion-forward manner, but tailored and professional. We have a very professional office. No cleavage, knee-length skirts, tight skirts or pants, etc.
2. Husband was not diagnosed with OCD at time of marriage (looking back, some things make a LOT more sense now and I think he's suffered for a while).
3. During masturbation-gate 2015, his problem was in fact more with my expenditure of sexual energy. As with most marriages, we've gone through hot and cold periods of sexual activity. I think he thought that I'd secretly had this very active sex life with myself, to the exclusion of him for 10+ years. That wasn't true, but his OCD kept his mind obsessing over it.
4. I'm not divorcing him; he's a wonderful father, my best friend and can make me laugh like no one else (though not as much recently). Everybody has issues, including me. God knows I am imperfect, and to his credit he has put up with my neuroses as well.
5. The poster who said I was attracted to what the other guy represents really hit the nail on the head, I think. To be completely candid, I sometimes do feel trapped in my current life/marriage. But I don't think that's uncommon; I spent years agonizing over whether to have kids because I like my freedom. I live a very settled life at this point, and I prefer to has fewer roots tying me down. This stage is just that, a stage. The kids will grow, the house will be sold, etc.
6. To the person who said there's no way I'm getting my work done, that's ridiculous. My interactions/thoughts are not keeping me from doing my job (and doing it well, I'd like to add). 

So, game plan... I don't think I'm telling him. If anything - ANYTHING - more untoward happens, I'll disclose. Until then, I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist, try to schedule a weekend away with my husband, and limit contact with this coworker. I am an intelligent person and I know what's going on, but that knowledge doesn't make it easier.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

katies said:


> This.


Speaking only for myself here, but I live every day trying to be the best man I can be for my family, my wife, but most importantly for myself. Am I perfect? Nah, but I do a pretty damned good job providing everything my wife wants and needs from our relationship. That's probably a large part of why my wife and I have a strong marriage, and why we have a stellar sex life.

If my wife were to come to me and tell me that she was crushing on another man, couldn't get him out of her mind, was having sex by proxy, I would wish her well, and walk away with my head held high.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> If my wife were to come to me and tell me that she was crushing on another man, couldn't get him out of her mind, was having sex by proxy, I would wish her well, and walk away with my head held high.



So you'd rather know. So would I. This is why I think the OP must tell, no matter what the outcome is.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

FBOW said:


> So, game plan... I don't think I'm telling him. If anything - ANYTHING - more untoward happens, I'll disclose. Until then, I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist, try to schedule a weekend away with my husband, and limit contact with this coworker. I am an intelligent person and I know what's going on, but that knowledge doesn't make it easier.


Good luck! Another thing that helped me was to imagine a favorite time with my wife whenever I thought about the OW. The more I practiced getting her out of my mind and my wife into it the easier it became. You are right it is hard but it can be done.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

katies said:


> a marriage is one where you can talk to each other about anything. not control each other by keeping secrets. Additionally, I didn't take it from the OP that she married him with OCD, but that he went through something and was diagnosed with it.




I wish this were so. But it is not. Total transparency doesn't exist, and if it does, it comes with a hefty price. We shield our loved ones from a number of truths that would cause them harm. The danger lies in manipulation of our beliefs so that we justify obscurity when the truth is contrary to our own self interests. 


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

katies said:


> So you'd rather know. So would I. This is why I think the OP must tell, no matter what the outcome is.


I would want to know so I would not be unknowingly fighting what for me would be a battle I have no desire to fight. The outcome would be a foregone conclusion.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rich84 said:


> I wish this were so. But it is not. Total transparency doesn't exist, and if it does, it comes with a hefty price. We shield our loved ones from a number of truths that would cause them harm. The danger lies in manipulation of our beliefs so that we justify obscurity when the truth is contrary to our own self interests.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I believe it is the lies that cause the harm.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

FBOW said:


> Wow, OP here. A lot has happened, I see. First, thanks for the insights and the time everyone took to respond. To answer a few questions that seem to stick out:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




You're a sensible person. You recognize this for what it is. You know the potential for damage by continuing to spend energy on this person rather than your husband. You're self aware enough to realize that there is potential for you to make a bad decision. So, do the work with your therapist to fully accept that what you want is not this coworker but actually fulfillment that comes from within. What you tell your husband is what you need his help with to be secure and invested in yourself and the relationship (when you figure that out). 


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

katies said:


> I believe it is the lies that cause the harm.


Circling this back around to the OP, there is also harm in difficult truths.

In her situation, as described here, I think it is imperative that she makes the other man no longer a difficult truth. This starts with not using her husband to sexually reinforce her bond with the other man. As described here, this is into emotional affair territory, and physical by proxy. The first thing that must be done before fixing the underlying relationship issues is to kill the affair dead in its tracks.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

katies said:


> I believe it is the lies that cause the harm.




Your husband gains 40 lbs. You are sexually attracted to him, but you prefer him fit. Still, you have a satisfying sex life. When a fit guy walks by, you notice and maybe slightly more so now. Yet, it doesn't really affect your relationship. From past experiences you know that if you were to tell him that his weight bothered you, it would not have a positive effect. Rather than use it as a catalyst for weight loss, he would become depressed, defeated, and put on another 5-10 lbs. In fact, he would resent you for being so superficial. You know the only real chance he has at weight loss is self-driven anyways. And you're nowhere near checking out of the relationship over it. It's just something that bothers you a little. 

Do you harm your spouse over this by being completely transparent? To what end? Are you lying to him when you say that you love him, love sex with him? Would you be better off spending your energy engaging in activity with him, helping set the tone for healthy eating, and being a positive influence? 

I like what you're saying. I just think it's more complicated. 


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## Mrs.Sav (Mar 13, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Spend a few days reading SurvivingInfidelity.com. Read all the posts, practice empathy while you read. That's your future if you keep down this path. There are 2 types of people when it comes to relationships, cheaters and non-cheaters. Once you become one you never get the chance to go back, and many people will just assume you are a bad person. You will hurt your husband, your kids, and yourself. Why do you think you deserve more then one person who loves you. Why do you think you deserve more then a person who has dedicated his life to you. So you find the other guy attractive, so what? Why is this different that anything else that you want that you can't have. Do you make it a practice to steal things you can't afford? Why is this any difference. The guy you find attractive is not for you, that's it.
> 
> Work on bonding with your husband. Still most people see and interact with people who they are attracted to every day. *Only people with poor boundaries make that an personal crisis.* You know better. Concentrate of what it will do to your husband, your children not the short period of enjoyment you will have. It's not worth it, and if you can't get a handle on it quit you job. Your life will be better for it.


Straight shooting. I agree 1000%. Might I also add to the bolded with...and people who lack respect for their partners.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

I would not be here if I lacked respect for my partner and relationship. I'm trying to be self-aware enough to realize what is going on and why, and to avoid slipping any further down a dangerous path. Pause and reflection usually leads to better decisions.

samyeagar, it's interesting to me that you say you would leave your wife if she admitted carrying any lust/attraction for another partner. Frankly, I don't buy it. I don't know your age or how long you've been married, but attraction to others is a normal human response. Marriage - life in general - is not so black and white. People make mistakes, life gets complicated (and messy the longer you are with someone and the more experiences you share), and I believe that actions, not thoughts, are what really matter. I've certainly felt so frustrated I wanted to smack my kids on the face before. But I didn't. I took a deep breath, removed myself, and re-approached the situation when I was more in control. Was that abuse, just because I had the thoughts? Not in my universe. Just some food for thought.

And thanks to the poster who rightly pointed out that the man I find attractive may not reciprocate those feelings. Something we often tend to forget... and something which may very well be true.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rich84 said:


> Your husband gains 40 lbs. You are sexually attracted to him, but you prefer him fit. Still, you have a satisfying sex life. When a fit guy walks by, you notice and maybe slightly more so now. Yet, it doesn't really affect your relationship. From past experiences you know that if you were to tell him that his weight bothered you, it would not have a positive effect. Rather than use it as a catalyst for weight loss, he would become depressed, defeated, and put on another 5-10 lbs. In fact, he would resent you for being so superficial. You know the only real chance he has at weight loss is self-driven anyways. And you're nowhere near checking out of the relationship over it. It's just something that bothers you a little.
> 
> Do you harm your spouse over this by being completely transparent? To what end? Are you lying to him when you say that you love him, love sex with him? Would you be better off spending your energy engaging in activity with him, helping set the tone for healthy eating, and being a positive influence?
> 
> ...


There is no way I would think a man is attractive unless I knew him personally. Looks do nothing for me. In fact, I think men who many women perceive as attractive scream high maintenance to me.
My husband has recently gained weight. I told him I like him better bigger anyway. (which I do) But I also included that I was worried about his health. I also asked if he wanted my help. It was a very open conversation. 
I do understand the complication. Most men are visual creatures. I saw my husband trying his best not to look at an attractive woman. Considering our history, he knows it used to bother me. I appreciated his effort, wondered how you can be attracted to someone just by the way they look, and thought he's got a really good thing going with me he doesn't want to screw up so I wasn't too insecure about it. 
If he told me he was attracted to someone at work and had thoughts of screwing her I'd be on my merry way as well.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

FBOW said:


> Wow, OP here. A lot has happened, I see. First, thanks for the insights and the time everyone took to respond. To answer a few questions that seem to stick out:
> 
> 1. I do not dress provocatively at work. I dress in a fashion-forward manner, but tailored and professional. We have a very professional office. No cleavage, knee-length skirts, tight skirts or pants, etc.
> 2. Husband was not diagnosed with OCD at time of marriage (looking back, some things make a LOT more sense now and I think he's suffered for a while).
> ...


 @FBOW 
I commend you on your self awareness, I hope your resolution is as strong as your keen introspect.
What if he flat out asks you if you had a crush or were attracted to someone else? Would you lie? 
What's the TAM mob take on that? 
As it stands now it's a lie of omission.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

If he ever asks if I think the guy is attractive, I'll say yes. I won't go into detail as I've done here, but I'll be honest that I find him attractive and think he is interesting.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

FBOW said:


> I would not be here if I lacked respect for my partner and relationship. I'm trying to be self-aware enough to realize what is going on and why, and to avoid slipping any further down a dangerous path. Pause and reflection usually leads to better decisions.
> 
> samyeagar, it's interesting to me that you say you would leave your wife if she admitted carrying any lust/attraction for another partner. Frankly, I don't buy it. I don't know your age or how long you've been married, but attraction to others is a normal human response. Marriage - life in general - is not so black and white. People make mistakes, life gets complicated (and messy the longer you are with someone and the more experiences you share), and I believe that actions, not thoughts, are what really matter. I've certainly felt so frustrated I wanted to smack my kids on the face before. But I didn't. I took a deep breath, removed myself, and re-approached the situation when I was more in control. Was that abuse, just because I had the thoughts? Not in my universe. Just some food for thought.
> 
> And thanks to the poster who rightly pointed out that the man I find attractive may not reciprocate those feelings. Something we often tend to forget... and something which may very well be true.


You may not buy it, but my ex wife to whom I was married for 17 years didn't either. She was wrong. To be fair, she is also diagnosed Narcissistic Personality Disorder so there were tons of other issues in the marriage, but the straw that broke the camels back, and led me to immediately filing for divorce when nothing else to that point had was her revealing her feelings for her yoga instructor.

Yes, attraction to others is a normal human response...if those feeling are fleeting, as in they don't occupy any mindspace or take up any emotional real estate. I regularly see women that register as attractive to me, but ten seconds later I couldn't tell you anything specifically about them.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

FBOW said:


> samyeagar, it's interesting to me that you say you would leave your wife if she admitted carrying any lust/attraction for another partner. Frankly, I don't buy it. I don't know your age or how long you've been married, but attraction to others is a normal human response. Marriage - life in general - is not so black and white. People make mistakes, life gets complicated (and messy the longer you are with someone and the more experiences you share), and I believe that actions, not thoughts, are what really matter. *I've certainly felt so frustrated I wanted to smack my kids on the face before. But I didn't. I took a deep breath, removed myself, and re-approached the situation when I was more in control. Was that abuse, just because I had the thoughts? Not in my universe.* Just some food for thought.


But lets say you fantasized about smacking your kids in the face because you get off on giving pain to people who are smaller than you, or because you were beaten as a child yourself, or for whatever reason anyone would have such fantasies. And lets say you fantasize this over and over, and that even when you are dealing with your children, you have thoughts trail through your mind about your fantasies of smacking them across the face.

Would this not point to a problem in your thinking? Even if it wasn't abusive in physical reality, wouldn't we say that there is something very, very wrong and dangerous about a mother who had such fantasies?

You can't really make a direct comparison between the random sexual thoughts and feelings we have about other people, or even directly fantasizing about other random people......and repeatedly sexually fantasizing and masturbating to thoughts about the man you have a huge crush on AND THEN also having sex with your husband while still high on those thoughts.

Same way you can't use the analogy about occasionally being so frustrated you wanted to smack your kids.

Read up on what "the fog" is. You are in it.

If you weren't in the fog, you would feel your attraction to this other guy, take a deep breath, then forget all about it. The same way you said you did instead of smacking your kids.

Instead, you are sexually fantasizing about him, having solo sex to the idea of him, and then screwing your husband with this other guy overlaid in your mind covering up your husband. Essentially, in your mind you a screwing the other guy, not your husband, and you are doing this deliberately.


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

katies said:


> There is no way I would think a man is attractive unless I knew him personally. Looks do nothing for me. In fact, I think men who many women perceive as attractive scream high maintenance to me.
> 
> My husband has recently gained weight. I told him I like him better bigger anyway. (which I do) But I also included that I was worried about his health. I also asked if he wanted my help. It was a very open conversation.
> 
> ...




If your husband has issues with noticing women in front of you, then I would venture to say that he has thought about screwing one of them before (as in fantasized). Doesn't make him a bad person. It makes him a sexual being. Acting on those impulses makes him a bad person. Disrespecting you by having his tongue hanging out in front of you makes him a bad person. 

Sharing with you that he finds a work colleague attractive and that he has fantasies about her (with no intention of action) apparently is enough to make you walk. Big incentive there for him to keep his mouth shut. 

As you said, men are generally attracted first to the visual. Doesn't mean that the rest of the package might be a complete turn off. It's just the initial attractant. For others personality, intelligence, etc. might be the initial attractant. I'm not even going to say most women for the latter, because I don't think that's true. 


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rich84 said:


> Sharing with you that he finds a work colleague attractive and that he has fantasies about her (with no intention of action) apparently is enough to make you walk. Big incentive there for him to keep his mouth shut.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


He knows the kind of honesty I want in a marriage. If that is the case then he is living without authenticity simply to stay married. Not a choice I would make. If your head goes as far as fantasy then that is different than noticing.
Others here have said the same thing.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> Additionally, I didn't take it from the OP that she married him with OCD, but that he went through something and was diagnosed with it.


Why does this matter.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

FBOW said:


> Wow, OP here. A lot has happened, I see. First, thanks for the insights and the time everyone took to respond. To answer a few questions that seem to stick out:
> 
> 1. I do not dress provocatively at work. I dress in a fashion-forward manner, but tailored and professional. We have a very professional office. No cleavage, knee-length skirts, tight skirts or pants, etc.
> 2. Husband was not diagnosed with OCD at time of marriage (looking back, some things make a LOT more sense now and I think he's suffered for a while).
> ...


This is all good, but read that site I talked about, and think of the BS are you husband and the WW spouse as you as you read. That will be a disinfectant like no other I promise.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Why does this matter.



Because it was not something she entered into the marriage knowing. If my husband developed some sort of disease where living my truth would put him over the edge I'd really reconsider the marriage. Marrying someone knowing this is a bit different. You signed up for it.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

FBOW said:


> I would not be here if I lacked respect for my partner and relationship. I'm trying to be self-aware enough to realize what is going on and why, and to avoid slipping any further down a dangerous path. Pause and reflection usually leads to better decisions.
> 
> samyeagar, it's interesting to me that you say you would leave your wife if she admitted carrying any lust/attraction for another partner. Frankly, I don't buy it. I don't know your age or how long you've been married, but attraction to others is a normal human response. Marriage - life in general - is not so black and white. People make mistakes, life gets complicated (and messy the longer you are with someone and the more experiences you share), and I believe that actions, not thoughts, are what really matter. I've certainly felt so frustrated I wanted to smack my kids on the face before. But I didn't. I took a deep breath, removed myself, and re-approached the situation when I was more in control. Was that abuse, just because I had the thoughts? Not in my universe. Just some food for thought.
> 
> And thanks to the poster who rightly pointed out that the man I find attractive may not reciprocate those feelings. Something we often tend to forget... and something which may very well be true.


Interesting. Notice the OP started the post about normal everyday stress when it was obvious the meat of this sandwich was the STRONG attraction to this co-worker. Kind of like a kid who buys a gum, a AA battery, People magazine and oh yes a box of condom.

When people suggested that she should be honest with her husband or quit her job to create a distance from the other man she decides that doing nothing is the most sensible thing to do. Now she is justifying her amorous feelings as NORMAL. In fact she is getting hostile to the suggestion that she did anything out of the ordinary.

OP, you came for advise. We gave you advise. It is time for you to be honest with yourself and re-think what you are doing. If you're not going to tell you husband and then you need to make this situation go away so that there is nothing to tell. I've been married for 22 years and yes it's pretty black and white. Not avoiding the occasion of sin is a sin in itself.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> Speaking only for myself here, but I live every day trying to be the best man I can be for my family, my wife, but most importantly for myself. Am I perfect? Nah, but I do a pretty damned good job providing everything my wife wants and needs from our relationship. That's probably a large part of why my wife and I have a strong marriage, and why we have a stellar sex life.
> 
> If my wife were to come to me and tell me that she was crushing on another man, couldn't get him out of her mind, was having sex by proxy, I would wish her well, and walk away with my head held high.


Same here, I would also question why she was stupid enough to tell me this and why she couldn't deal with it like most adults do all the time. I am not going to compete with a fantasy because it is a lose lose proposition. I would wonder why I am married to a person who can't understand that a fantasy is just that, a fantasy.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

katies said:


> Because it was not something she entered into the marriage knowing. If my husband developed some sort of disease where living my truth would put him over the edge I'd really reconsider the marriage. Marrying someone knowing this is a bit different. You signed up for it.


Guess you didn't say "in sickness and in health then".


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

katies said:


> He knows the kind of honesty I want in a marriage. If that is the case then he is living without authenticity simply to stay married. Not a choice I would make. If your head goes as far as fantasy then that is different than noticing.
> Others here have said the same thing.




But your saying you want honesty and also that his honesty would cause you to walk. His transparency would directly harm the relationship despite the fact that it is just a fantasy and not anything he would ever act on. I think you would have to have a very vigilant mind to shut down any and all fantasies that you think your spouse may disapprove of. Maybe I have an active imagination? Generally, I think various things turn people on and that it's not always a great idea to share them. Some things are just fantasy. 

Complete authenticity leaves no room for the consideration of other's feelings and needs. When a CEO has a son die he mourns and returns to work. If he's being completely authentic, he feels and acts morose, lethargic, and unavailable. His colleagues need him to be otherwise despite how he feels. Should he be fired for being inauthentic? People act in opposition to their authentic selves all the time to keep society and marriages running. 


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FBOW,

I would also be concerned about what this attraction is going to do to your work performance.

About this OM, although you wrote that he might not be interested in you, I think the opposite is true and he is simply smooth. 

There are many OM who just wait around biding their time until they sense an emotion need or temporary stress in a woman they are interested in.

The classic pattern is that they start off slow and gradually become more and more personal, and then more and more sexual in their communications.

Please be aware that the fact that an affair would destroy your childrens happiness and family will mean nothing to this OM. 

You are very right in never going to lunch with this OM. Your built in sense of danger is saving you from a mountain of pain.

Should this OM begin communicating with you inappropriately save everything and send it to his wife.

Tamat


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

You don't need to tell your husband, you just need to make the situation at work...stop. You haven't gone in a wayward direction, yet...and it sounds like it will unnecessarily upset your husband if you tell him. I don't share with my fiance every thought I have, or every time a guy hits on me. I'm assuming he doesn't, either. Only if the thoughts were to cause me to wish to think about the relationship differently, would I want to tell him. But, OP...you need to just end the fantasizing about the guy at work, and work hard at releasing yourself from that temptation.

You got this


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> But lets say you fantasized about smacking your kids in the face because you get off on giving pain to people who are smaller than you, or because you were beaten as a child yourself, or for whatever reason anyone would have such fantasies. And lets say you fantasize this over and over, and that even when you are dealing with your children, you have thoughts trail through your mind about your fantasies of smacking them across the face.
> 
> Would this not point to a problem in your thinking? Even if it wasn't abusive in physical reality, wouldn't we say that there is something very, very wrong and dangerous about a mother who had such fantasies?
> 
> ...




I think everyone, including the OP, agrees that the way she has fixated on this man sexually is not a good thing. I think we all agree she needs to put a stop to it, that she's playing with fire. What's your opinion on her disclosing this to her husband? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> Guess you didn't say "in sickness and in health then".


not if it meant lying purposefully so that I was forced into a co-dependent relationship, no.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rich84 said:


> But your saying you want honesty and also that his honesty would cause you to walk. His transparency would directly harm the relationship despite the fact that it is just a fantasy and not anything he would ever act on. I think you would have to have a very vigilant mind to shut down any and all fantasies that you think your spouse may disapprove of. Maybe I have an active imagination? Generally, I think various things turn people on and that it's not always a great idea to share them. Some things are just fantasy.
> 
> Complete authenticity leaves no room for the consideration of other's feelings and needs. When a CEO has a son die he mourns and returns to work. If he's being completely authentic, he feels and acts morose, lethargic, and unavailable. His colleagues need him to be otherwise despite how he feels. Should he be fired for being inauthentic? People act in opposition to their authentic selves all the time to keep society and marriages running.
> 
> ...


Would you want to be in a marriage where your wife thought about another guy while you were having sex? 
Using your logic then, a spouse should not tell their betrayed spouse about their own affair. If honesty causes you to walk then it should.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

rich84 said:


> I think everyone, including the OP, agrees that the way she has fixated on this man sexually is not a good thing. I think we all agree she needs to put a stop to it, that she's playing with fire. What's your opinion on her disclosing this to her husband?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


For me, this is where I diverge from the radical truth people. I think that the motivations behind speaking the words are just as important as the words themselves. Spoken truth only for the sake of spoken truth is not a good enough reason when the consequences are are so serious.

Her truth currently is that she has let another man encroach on emotional territory that is rightfully her husbands. She is using her husbands body as a stand in for another man. Those are some very difficult truths. If she can swiftly and completely change her current truth, and take steps to ensure she does not slip back, then I am not sure telling her husband is worth the risk, but those are some very big ifs.

On the other hand, if she can not change these current truths herself, can not remove the other man from her emotional space, can not start having sex with her husband again rather than the other man by proxy...if she can't do that herself...then her marriage is already over whether she tells him or not, and likely self exposure would be the only chance, no matter how small, of saving her marriage.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

FBOW said:


> Husband was very, very stable emotionally until a few years ago. He went through some rough periods, and finally was diagnosed with a form of OCD. Basically, he tends to *over-analyze and over-focus on me and our relationship*.


 @FBOW I slept on your Lamp Post under my sheet and have become restless. I decided to give this Johnathon Apple, another bite.

Your husband is OCD.

He is Obsessive, he is Compulsive over You.

Not anyone else, NO, over you.

What more would a women want than this. He is crazy about you, worries about you.................does not want to lose YOU.

Forget about his worrying about your ONANISM, your self-pleasuring. Do you know why he fusses over this? He fears losing you. You have somehow instilled doubt in this loving man's heart.

Is he, or has he shown excessive insecurity? Sure!

But the insecurity is for something valuable. a good cause. YOU!

Don't dis-his-order. Celebrate it. Take advantage of it. As does a puzzy in catnip!


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## rich84 (Mar 30, 2015)

katies said:


> Would you want to be in a marriage where your wife thought about another guy while you were having sex?
> 
> Using your logic then, a spouse should not tell their betrayed spouse about their own affair. If honesty causes you to walk then it should.




No, I did not mean to imply that. Maybe I'm arguing and not conveying my feelings appropriately. Read samyeager's post on this page. That's how I feel. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

rich84 said:


> No, I did not mean to imply that. Maybe I'm arguing and not conveying my feelings appropriately. Read samyeager's post on this page. That's how I feel.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


ok.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

rich84 said:


> I think everyone, including the OP, agrees that the way she has fixated on this man sexually is not a good thing. I think we all agree she needs to put a stop to it, that she's playing with fire. What's your opinion on her disclosing this to her husband?


The OP did not actually address the masturbating to the fantasies of the other guy and also having sex with her husband with the other guy on her mind....she completely side stepped it and then justified it as if it was the same as just a passing thought about someone who is attractive. She made the analogy about thinking of smacking her kids on the face is not the same as actually smacking her kids on the face. This why I believe she is still in a fog. She doesn't want to listen to anyone saying that actively fantasizing about the other guy is a problem. She wants to minimize it down to a level that is normal fantasy. So no, I don't agree that the OP really understands how her fixation on the other guy is a bigger problem than she realizes.

Having said that....I don't really have an opinion on whether or not she should disclose her feelings to her husband. I just think she should put all of her focus on keeping the other man out of her head and out of her sex life, and put her energy and focus back on her husband in that way. Until she does this, she will be hopelessly attracted to the other man and will not feel her full attraction to her husband.

I do agree that by disclosing to her husband, it will snap the other man out of her mind in a moment because she will see how badly her husband is hurt by it (if she told him the whole truth, including the fantasizing and masturbating and replacing him with the other guy when they have sex). I think if she had to really see how badly this hurt him, her conscience would finally kick into place and stop all this nonsense completely.

But not telling him, she keeps the secret to herself, where she can also tell herself that it is normal to have fantasies about other people (which is true, but is a deflection from the fact that what she is doing is not in that "normal" fantasy range).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FBOW said:


> To be completely candid, I sometimes do feel trapped in my current life/marriage. But I don't think that's uncommon; I spent years agonizing over whether to have kids because I like my freedom. I live a very settled life at this point, and I prefer to has fewer roots tying me down. This stage is just that, a stage. The kids will grow, the house will be sold, etc.


This is the basis of your current issue. It all flows back to what's basically a midlife crisis - taking things for granted, boredom, same ol' same ol' sex, personal issues on both sides, family illness, and dealing with kids.

When you have kids, you usually have to give up something, like date nights. When a family member is sick, the same. When you go back to work, the same. When mental issues arise like OCD, the same.

So IMO, the solution you need is to improve your marriage so much that nothing else compares to your marriage. Best thing I know to do that is read His Needs Her Needs and also Love Busters, then fill out the questionnaires, then INSIST on _spending 10 to 15 hours a week together_, just the two of you, so that you fall back in love with each other. Is it hard to find that much time? Absolutely. But it's also imperative to stay in love. As you are now experiencing. 

Now, HNHN is a lot like Love Languages, but don't give up reading it because of that. It goes further and ties in to the Love Buster book and the questionnaires I want you to complete.

Doing these things will help you two become a TEAM. And once you're a team, you won't WANT anyone else.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

meson said:


> I do MattMatt and I believe that it can be helpful to do this under the right circumstances. The point of the thread is to provide advice what she should do and this is a legitimate step.
> 
> If one is having problems extinguishing feelings for another this disclosure can act as a spotlight that makes the spouse aware and sensitive to any interaction. I used this and it helped enormously in my case. I told my wife I was in love with her best friend. This hurt her tremendously. This established a transparency that I could not erase. There was no way I could continue escalating contact with her knowledge of the situation. It was game over from my point of view and there was nothing I could do but reduce contact and keep my word. The disclosure helped keep me honest with myself and my wife.
> 
> ...


I have know a couple of instances where the spouse was "honest" about her workplace crush. One to the crush, one to the spouse.

Both ended about as badly as one would expect.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When her husband went ballistic over the MBing issue, he proved he is not safe to confide in. He could have done something about it, got therapy for it, take medicine, move out til he could handle it. Just as she could have gotten professional advice on how to stop him in his tracks. But because HE proceeded to shame her and make her life a living hell, he gave up the right to be told her next personal thoughts.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> When her husband went ballistic over the MBing issue, he proved he is not safe to confide in. He could have done something about it, got therapy for it, take medicine, move out til he could handle it. Just as she could have gotten professional advice on how to stop him in his tracks. But because HE proceeded to shame her and make her life a living hell, he gave up the right to be told her next personal thoughts.


I'm not sure Tunera. They're married. He might not be able to handle it but that is on him. If she doesn't feel safe telling him something then that is a different thing. I would hate to be in a marriage like that. 
My husband can tell me his truths. The only honorable thing in my reaction is to leave or stay and work together in a mature healthy way to overcome difficulties.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

When I walked the beach with my ex, I never gave a running discourse on all the hot looking females in bikinis. And she never gave me a running tally of the hot life guards. There is no requirement to tell every single thing to your spouse. Of course my wife found some of the men on the beach attractive. But there is no reason to go telling me all about it.

In the case of OP, I don't think she need tell him as long as it is a normal kind of temporary controllable attraction. Once it crosses over to uncontrollable or EA, she needs to bring it up.

In the meantime I think she should consult with a therapist to get it figured out before she does something one way or the other to harm her family.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> When her husband went ballistic over the MBing issue, he proved he is not safe to confide in. He could have done something about it, got therapy for it, take medicine, move out til he could handle it. Just as she could have gotten professional advice on how to stop him in his tracks. But because HE proceeded to shame her and make her life a living hell, he gave up the right to be told her next personal thoughts.


How many woman have posted on here and other sites about there husbands using there sexual energy for porn, she said her husband had basically the same issue.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

sokillme said:


> How many woman have posted on here and other sites about there husbands using there sexual energy for porn, she said her husband had basically the same issue.


He can have an issue with it, for sure. But he can't *** her over the head with it. They fix it together in a mature way or maybe it's a dealbreaker for him and he leaves. But the PA bull crap is the dysfunction.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> *The OP did not actually address the masturbating to the fantasies of the other guy and also having sex with her husband with the other guy on her mind.*...she completely side stepped it and then j*ustified it as if it was the same as just a passing thought about someone who is attractive.* She made the analogy about thinking of smacking her kids on the face is not the same as actually smacking her kids on the face. This why I believe she is still in a fog. *She doesn't want to listen to anyone saying that actively fantasizing about the other guy is a problem. She wants to minimize it down to a level that is normal fantasy. * So no, I don't agree that the OP really understands how her fixation on the other guy is a bigger problem than she realizes.
> 
> Having said that....I don't really have an opinion on whether or not she should disclose her feelings to her husband. I just think *she should put all of her focus on keeping the other man out of her head and out of her sex life, and put her energy and focus back on her husband in that way.* Until she does this, she will be hopelessly attracted to the other man and will not feel her full attraction to her husband.
> 
> ...


Faithful, I agree with 100% Some here are making this about her husband's problem coping with his wife all of a sudden masturbating when their sex life was sparse. 

Some going so far as to suggest she should divorce because of his past reactions and his not being able to digest that his wife is fvcking her coworker in her mind. Since he didn't have this OCD before she married him, she could leave him. What kind of advise is that? 

We've had male posters that have been impatient with their wife fighting a disease. They are RIGHTLY pummeled. But if a man has a weakness, the wife should bail?

What OP needs to do is stop fantasizing about OM when she has sex with husband or masturbates. She is emotionally attaching herself to him while distancing herself from her husband. She just went back to work and is already prioritizing this job to the top of what's important in her life. Now her life is holding her back. When she says her life, she's talking about her husband and her kids. How long before she wishes her life away so she can be this guys play thing. 

If you doubt her far along this is, go take a gander at the OW section of Love Shack. 100s of threads from WWs that started just like OP.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

jsmart said:


> We've had male posters that have been impatient with their wife fighting a disease. They are RIGHTLY pummeled. But if a man has a weakness, the wife should bail?


If it makes him mentally unhealthy to be a contributor to the relationship, yes.
If a spouse becomes so physically incapacitated that they cannot continue a sexual relationship with their partner should the healthy partner stay?


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Katies, I find your positions on this topic to be interesting. You want a completely open, 100% honest relationship that is built in trust and commitment. However, it is cool to bail if my wife's vagina is out of service.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

Tasorundo said:


> Katies, I find your positions on this topic to be interesting. You want a completely open, 100% honest relationship that is built in trust and commitment. However, it is cool to bail if my wife's vagina is out of service.


yep.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

samyeagar said:


> *I am not sure telling her husband is worth the risk*, but those are some very big ifs.
> 
> On the other hand, if she can not change these current truths herself, can not remove the other man from her emotional space, can not start having sex with her husband again rather than the other man by proxy...if she can't do that herself...*then her marriage is already over whether she tells him or not, and likely self exposure would be the only chance, no matter how small, of saving her marriage.*


If I were standing next to a large man, a very large man, with a very thick neck and a "naturally loud" booming voice, who was SHOUTING into a custom 220 volt, 100 AMP hand-held MEGA PHONE and he said the above:

I WOULD SHOUT LOUDER, NO, NO, NO!

Why!

In her words, OP said her husband WHO WAS formerly a great husband and now has one foot outside the Reconciliation Reservation. That is not a crime. He did not cheat on her, beat on her, heap abuse on her <-----not much??.

If you have an lady-loving bug in your bra, you have two options:

Crush it !

Shake it out !

If you have to do SOMETHING about that TEAT LOVER then please shake it gently loose. Let it go.

Let it go into the garden and find pesky garden aphids. And both of you find new loves, sanity intact.

Do not crush another life form, just BECAUSE YOU CAN.

If OP's relationship has deteriorated to the point where throat-cutting a loyal spouse is AN OPTION, then end the marriage, amicably. 

Back out the door with a Sad Smile and "I wish you well". Nothing more is needed.

Stab the Devil, not the Hapless Fool.

Show Empathy, not Bile.

If you want to make this marriage to work, both get into MC, him into IC and one or both on properly prescribed meds.

RANT over, chant remains in my head, hopefully yours, OP.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

Turnera, your post above about the mid-life crisis issue resonated with me. I came here to figure out if this attraction could be a problem with ME, and not my marriage. Likely, it's bound up in both. I think that the stresses on our marriage, the stage in life, my age, etc all have made me vulnerable to an EA or worse. I don't want that to happen. I think I need to work on why I feel restless... maybe I need a new hobby, more time with girlfriends, or to exercise more. Something. Or not, but I guess I'll figure that out with the therapist.

Jsmart, FYI, I just recently changed jobs. You incorrectly guessed that I just started working outside the home again. I've always worked or gone to school F/T during my marriage (since I graduated college, actually). My career has been an important, satisfying part of who I am for years. This isn't a case of a woman who got a job, prioritized it over her family and then cast them aside, jumping at the next, best thing to come along.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

honey, the only reason people are vulnerable to affairs is having something inside them that justifies this as an option. It's not the state of the marriage or spouse, it's the state of the person contemplating having one. Many people go through life changes and don't have affairs. What you need to figure out is WHY this could be an option for dealing with restlessness. There are many other options, many that you've mentioned. But I do want to point out it has nothing to do with your spouse or your marriage.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katies said:


> I'm not sure Tunera. They're married. He might not be able to handle it but that is on him. If she doesn't feel safe telling him something then that is a different thing. I would hate to be in a marriage like that.
> My husband can tell me his truths. The only honorable thing in my reaction is to leave or stay and work together in a mature healthy way to overcome difficulties.


I hear you. But that doesn't change the fact that she does NOT feel safe telling him. And that's on him.

IMO, what she could do is tell him that she no longer feels safe telling him her truths, and can we work on how you react when I do. And then bring up the past issue and ask him if he's willing to go to therapy with her to address it and come up with better solutions.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FBOW said:


> Turnera, your post above about the mid-life crisis issue resonated with me. I came here to figure out if this attraction could be a problem with ME, and not my marriage. Likely, it's bound up in both. I think that the stresses on our marriage, the stage in life, my age, etc all have made me vulnerable to an EA or worse. I don't want that to happen. I think I need to work on why I feel restless... maybe I need a new hobby, more time with girlfriends, or to exercise more. Something. Or not, but I guess I'll figure that out with the therapist.


All due respect, what you need MOST is to spend more time with your HUSBAND. Instead, you talk about needing more outside outlets. Yes, you need those; we all do. But your CURRENT problem is that you're considering cheating. And that has more to do with your opinion of your husband than on how much 'fun' you get in your life. 

Spending 10 to 15 hours with your spouse is logical, accurate and IMPORTANT advice. And it doesn't mean taking a weekend trip every week. It means sitting down with him every morning for a cup of coffee and talking. It means working a jigsaw puzzle together for a few minutes a day. It means giving him a backrub every so often and him doing the same. It means having a babysitter so you and hubby DO go out on a date every week. And so on. 

Are you aware of PEA chemicals? They're the chemicals in your brain that come flooding out when you meet a new person. It's what was set up in us to keep the species going, procreating, eons ago. That 'high' you feel when you think of your partner, the zingles you feel when you touch, the thinking of them all hours of the day.

Sound familiar?

That's what you're feeling - for your potential AFFAIR PARTNER. You are now in the danger zone, as you have recognized.

But PEA chemicals only stay in our body for 2 to 3 years, then they fade away (remember, cavemen/women only lived til about age 25 to 30). And you're left with your standard, run-of-the-mill marriage. By that time, it becomes YOUR job to stay in love with your spouse. How do you do that?

By spending 10 to 15 hours a week doing the 'dating' stuff that you did in the first place - talking, touching, walking, playing, and yes, sex. If you won't find time to do that, your marriage will most likely fail.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

katies said:


> honey, the only reason people are vulnerable to affairs is having something inside them that justifies this as an option. It's not the state of the marriage or spouse, it's the state of the person contemplating having one. Many people go through life changes and don't have affairs. What you need to figure out is WHY this could be an option for dealing with restlessness. There are many other options, many that you've mentioned. But I do want to point out it has nothing to do with your spouse or your marriage.


That's true...to a point. But never discount the hold that our psychology has on us. Being noticed when the spouse takes us for granted. Being talked to when our spouse is in a rut. Being complemented when our spouse accuses us. It takes a toll.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

turnera said:


> That's true...to a point. But never discount the hold that our psychology has on us. Being noticed when the spouse takes us for granted. Being talked to when our spouse is in a rut. Being complemented when our spouse accuses us. It takes a toll.


It certainly does. That would not be a marriage anyone would like. But there are other options than affair. WHY that is the choice is what needs to be figured out. WHAT choices can be made other than that is another factor. Even if a person has FOO issues, WHY reach for affair? Why not divorce, therapy, etc. 
I completely understand unhappiness and restlessness. Heck, even boredom. But having an affair makes things worse.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

My younger kids sometimes come home with a bad grade because they answered the questions on the test correctly but failed to "show their work". The test was not about knowing the answer but demonstrating correct train of thought, understanding the principle and proper presentation.

OP, I think you seem to have similar difficulties. turnera made several excellent suggestions for you to follow but you pulled a "cafeteria" on her and came away with "I have a mid-life crisis. I should take up a new hobby. That would fix my marriage."

Similarly, you reacted to my suggestion that you remove yourself from this problematic workplace with "I do my job and I do it well." That isn't the point. As an employer, a person who is having an EA in the workplace is a potential liability to workplace morale as well as workplace conduct compliance risk. (Do you remember signing a workplace conduct agreement? Most larger companies would have it.)

Please stop trying to reinterpret our suggestions and take our advise as exactly as intended.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I agree with clown. I've been doing this a long time and, while I give you kudos for coming here BEFORE you start an affair, your language and responses are extremely self-centered and full of justification and selfish thinking. And guess what? Those are exactly the things a cheater will say and do and think. In other words, you're already in the mindset of cheating. You've already progressed into the 'I deserve happiness, don't I' cheaterspeak.

So I task you with thinking _critically_ about what you are, in effect, thinking. 

If you truly want to fix this, you'll have to apply critical thinking to your own actions, instead of blaming someone else.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

I've been busy, so my responses are shorter than I'd like, but I am reading and considering all of the advice. I am going to schedule a sitter for a recurring, weekly "date," and tell him that I feel we've gotten into too much of routine and need to spend more QT together - and then DO it. I think we may re-read the love languages book to remind ourselves what we need to be doing. I'm going to look into the other recommended reading as well.

On the coworker front, I've successfully avoided him all week, only saying "hi" in passing. Good start. He seems to be avoiding me as well, so that is helpful. 

I hear you on the "need to find a new job" front, but excellent workplaces in my line of work are hard to find. This is an excellent workplace. I'm going to try to nip this in the bud before I take that drastic step. I have the chance to start working from home a bit more, so I may do that.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I don't hear of many trainwreck diverted stories so I hope this is one.
Continue to be more introspective. Live with intent and not by the seat of your pants.


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## Hangingon78 (Mar 16, 2015)

When I read this thread, I felt like I could picture my wife saying all of the same things. What you are going through right now is exactly what my wife was going through three years ago. Life at home was hectic with the kids, and being 17 years into our marriage, we had become a little complacent. Then she developed a crush on her single boss in his mid 40’s. In my wife’s story though, she chose to tell me about her crush on this other man, and enforced to me that there was nothing to worry about, and that he was just a friend. After I expressed my concerns, she promised to end this so called friendship, and only speak to him about work related things. I wish with all my heart the story would have ended there. To make a very long story as short as possible, over the next year my heart was completely shattered, and even three years later as I type this I start shaking just remembering what I went through as a loving trusting husband whose world fell apart all around him. 

You are at a cross road. If you choose to continue a friendship with this coworker, especially since you have been sexually fantasizing about him, you will break your husbands heart in a way that is impossible to ever fully repair. Instead of going down that dark painful path, how about you wake yourself up, and fully invest yourself into restoring love between you and your husband. I know my wife wishes she could go back to where you are right now, and do it all different. I just hope you are wise enough to see that there is only pain and heart ache at the end of the road of infidelity.


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I will only say this:

Whatever happens from here is completely on you. You are aware of the dangers and will have to live with your choices. Choose wisely. 

As for telling your husband, generally I am for honesty, but I don't see a see a need to disclose a harmless workplace crush as long as you enforce your boundaries. If you don't, well, see above. 

I would highly recommend visiting SurvivingInfidelity.com and read for a while in the Just Found Out and Wayward forums. There are so many there who wish they could go back to where you are NOW and make different choices. They would love the chance to build up their marriage rather than destroy it. 

In almost all instances, once reality hits, they realize that the OM was in no way better than their husband. It may seem like it since you don't have the daily struggles of marriage with the OM, but once the smoke clears, you simply have a broken family and MAYBE a new guy you can't trust because he's a cheater like you. 

I say again, what happens now is not on your husband or the other man. It is completely on you.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FBOW,

You may find out that this nice man has had affairs with other women in the office, and you were in his crosshairs because you are new.


Tamat


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## emmasmith (Aug 11, 2016)

If you would have noticed, there are very few couples who are fully satisfied with their relationship and are happy for what they have. Many are living together without any enjoyment, fun and charm because the daily life issues have ruined all their feelings. Though these issues can be resolved by focused and serious efforts, but many couples are not aware of those efforts. And it is the reason that they are not getting what they want. If you are also going through such a situation and you think that you have not left any stone unturned for improving your relationship then you must go for couple therapy.


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## JMyersPsyd (Oct 31, 2016)

The stress and worry in your relationship has made you vulnerable to infidelity. I think that counseling would be beneficial to you. You husband does not know how you feel about his worry and expectations. The longer you feel that isolation and disconnect, the longer you will feel alone, stressed and as if something major is missing in your life. You have to find way to really communicate how you feel. If the opportunity presents itself you may be opening the door to make a mistake that could change your life. Check out this 21 marriage tips 21 Marriage Tips! A Football Fans Guide to Better Marriage


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## JMyersPsyd (Oct 31, 2016)

Feeding your love language, quality time, will help you feel that married love again. Married love does not feel like, I just met you love. However, I also understand that life stresses can really break down your communication, self-esteem, and enthusiasm for your partner. Just remember it is in there. It never left! You just have to dig deep, regroup and get a good counselor.


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## FBOW (Oct 31, 2016)

OP here, I stepped away for the weekend.

Hangingon78: Thank you for sharing your story. I'm so very sorry that happened to you. Your insights are greatly appreciated.

I had a bit of a heart-to-heart with my husband late last week. I told him we needed to up the quality time. We immediately scheduled a sitter for a recurring weekly date. Turns out (no surprise), we have both been feeling a bit distant from one another, just taking care of our day-to-day responsibilities. I informed him that I've recently become aware of getting male attention, and it's making me feel good - and that with 40 looming, and feeling like I'm a bit disconnected from him, the attention is more noticeable to me and something that I'm flattered by. He of course didn't like to hear that, but said he understood that I've been feeling underappreciated. And so has he. So we've both agreed to do things to make one another feel more appreciated. I, for example, will make a point to acknowledge his household contributions and speak up when I think he looks nice. I'm also going to make a concerted effort to come to him for resolution after a disagreement. Typically, I'm the "walk away and cool off" type, but he likes it when I come to him after an argument sometimes instead of always waiting for him to initiate. 

We went on a date over the weekend and had a great time. Thoughts of the co-worker have been dramatically reduced. Still cute, but just not as appealing or interesting. I'm still working through it, but glad we had that talk. As always, it will take time.


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