# No sex



## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

Hi everyone, I am not married but I thought this was the right place to post this thread.

Me and my BF are both in our early 30s, have been together for almost 2 years and have lived together for about 6 months. When we first started dating our sex was amazing, I felt it was more intimate than with any of my previous partners and I felt very relaxed with him. We usually saw each other 2 times a week and when the relationship started getting more serious we would spend more time together (5 days a week, sleepovers) and sometimes a week would go by without sex, but it didn't concern me. We were pretty open about everything and he told me he usually masturbates in the morning and if a week without sex had gone by, I would ask him to not masturbate and so he was "capable" of having sex with me.

After we moved in together the sex soon stared being an issue. We haven't done it in almost 4 months. I have initiated many times, but he says he's too tired, stressed, it's too late, too hot, ... Long story short, he is healthy so it's not a medical issue, I have started a conversation about this a few times and he didn't see it as a problem until I explained to him that I felt rejected and insecure and if I didn't say anything, I don't think he would bring it up any time soon. Even though I told him I wasn't happy he hasn't made an effort to change anything.

Up to this day he tells me often I'm beautiful, I'm his soul mate, he loves me, he wants to marry me, he kisses me (more like a mom would kiss a child though, it's never a passionate kiss), we cuddle in bed, we do other things together.

A week ago I finally had it and went through his search history. It turns out that in the past 3 months, there have only been 3 days that he hasn't watched porn. Needless to say, I was shocked. I didn't tell him I was snooping around, but when I confronted him he admitted watching porn and masturbating every 3 days. I told him he needs to stop. I checked again and it appears he hasn't been watching porn in the last 3 days, but we haven't had sex either. 

Has anyone been in a situation like this? Is he even attracted to me anymore? Can I do anything about it?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a self diagnosed recovering porn addict, there are simply too many ways to cover browsing history tracks. 

FWIW, I suspected it was going to be porn after the first two paragraphs. 

He is wasting sexual energy on sources other than you. You have to decide whether or not this is an acceptable way to live, and act accordingly.

"Partner, I am not okay with your use of porn or our sexless relationship. I won't remain in a relationship devoid of intimacy."

Then see what he does. If it changes, watch to make sure it is for the long term. If it does not, you will need to have the courage of your convictions. 

Good luck.

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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a self diagnosed recovering porn addict, there are simply too many ways to cover browsing history tracks.
> 
> FWIW, I suspected it was going to be porn after the first two paragraphs.
> 
> ...


Far, didn't your wife say something like that to you at one point? She may not have known about the porn, but she was concerned about the sexlessness, correct?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

OP, I agree with @farsidejunky and I think something else is in play as well.

As hard as it may be, I think you should get yourself set up to move back out.

If I'm close in my guess, he has some pretty deep issues that need a ton of work before he gets into a relationship.

Do not believe for a second that he is a project you can repair.

Do you know anything about his family?

Has he been married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

jld said:


> Far, didn't your wife say something like that to you at one point? She may not have known about the porn, but she was concerned about the sexlessness, correct?


She said something akin to:

"Our sex life is really bad. This is how affairs start."

It was four years ago so it is a but fuzzy, but that was the gist of it.





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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*IMHO, he's at an age that he's been single so long, that porn has largely been "the norm" in his being able to sexually relieve himself!

At this point, he is definitely not a "work project" ~ he needs serious and immediate counseling!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> He is wasting sexual energy on sources other than you.





farsidejunky said:


> She said something akin to:
> 
> "Our sex life is really bad. This is how affairs start."


Thanks a bunch for sharing this. I need to remember these, especially the second quote. Your wife was right on.


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## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

ConanHub said:


> Do you know anything about his family?
> 
> Has he been married?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His family is very traditional and religious, but he doesn't practice religion. He hasn't been married.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Porn addiction is a serious issue, and it really doesn't have anything to do with him being attracted to or not attracted to you, whiteshadow. I know it might seem that way, because he went from being very interested in sex with you, to no longer being as interested. His desire to watch porn often and masturbate to it, preferring it to true intimacy, largely has to do with escaping into a fantasy. Every one of us has the desire to do that, sometimes, albeit we all don't choose porn to do that. Maybe we have a glass of wine to relax, etc...but if a glass of wine turns into a bottle every night, that's when we are stuck in an addition. Addictions (all types) are symptoms of something deeper going on with the person which causes them to escape their reality for a time. Masturbating to porn and avoiding intimacy with you is an escape for him, and that's what I've come to learn about it. I'm engaged, but the men before my fiance...none were addicted to porn, but they viewed it on occasion. I didn't mind it, but if someone you love has an addiction, they are not living their very best life. I would take the approach of wanting to help him with this habit, instead of viewing it as an affront to you and your ability to attract him. Easier said than done, but he needs some help at this point, because his porn use is affecting his every day life, in a very real way. Fantasies are fine, but once the person wants to spend more time in fantasy life than 'real life' is when it can be classified as an addiction. Hope things get better.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

whiteshadow said:


> His family is very traditional and religious, but he doesn't practice religion. He hasn't been married.


How is his relationship with his parents?

Do you know if he was abused?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

whiteshadow said:


> *I would ask him to not masturbate* and so he was "capable" of having sex with me.
> 
> I confronted him he admitted watching porn and masturbating every 3 days. *I told him he needs to stop.*


Odds are he was doing this BEFORE you met him and DURING when you first had amazing sex.

*You are shaming your partner's sexuality.* You are taking the one part that is still thriving (his ability to love himself) and telling him to *STOP*. 

If you want the relationship to thrive, take a positive interest in his masturbation and ask him to share it with you. If porn offends you, then help him explore something that does not offend you. Ask him to help you explore masturbation and to suggest some toys, and then share that experience with him. 

...the next thing you know you two will be having sex sometimes more than once a day.

Regards,
Badsanta


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Odds are he was doing this BEFORE you met him and DURING when you first had amazing sex.
> 
> *You are shaming your partner's sexuality.* You are taking the one part that is still thriving (his ability to love himself) and telling him to *STOP*.
> 
> ...


Her approach to it can be different yes, but it's one thing if it's occasional, it's caused a lack of sex for nearly 4 months, at a stage in a relationship that is still very new and fresh. I believe this isn't about shaming anyone's sexuality, anymore than someone drinking two bottles of wine per night and asking them to stop, is shaming them to not celebrate their desire to be drunk. Porn use in and of itself isn't a problem (to me) but when it causes a lack of sex and desire for your partner for four months? It's way more than it being something he does as part of his sexuality. It's an addiction or the beginning of one, if it's affecting his desire for real intimacy with his gf.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I hope it is simple porn addiction. Less complex than other issues though still serious.

Whacking to porn at the expense of your relationship sex is a serious problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Fantasies are fine, but once the person wants to spend more time in fantasy life than 'real life' is when it can be classified as an addiction. Hope things get better.


Much like *PINK ELEPHANTS*!

If you want someone to stop thinking about pink elephants, you scream at them NOT TO THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS, and then when they admitted they were still thinking about them, you call them a sicko and an addict and tell them to stop! 

This is my sarcastic way of showing you how shaming your partner about masturbation can be awkward. 










Now if I told you thinking about pink elephants is OK and I were to ask you to go to the store and buy a stuffed pink elephant for us to snuggle with. Then the pink elephant in the room would be reduced to a fuzzy stuffed animal instead of an awkward and lurking presence that destroys the mood.










That smaller cute one is actually fun isn't it?

Regards,
Badsanta


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

The boyfriend/girlfriend stage is the time when you're finding out if you're compatible. That is, compatible with the way each of you are without having to change the other. It's pretty simple....he's not the one. You're not married. You have no kids. Why take this relationship further when you're already not compatible, as is. People who have dozens of strings attached (house, kids, mortgage, families, businesses, etc...) spend years fixing issues like this and fail the majority of the time. You're just at the starting line and it's already bad. You think you can change him in some permanent way? I've got news for you. Not going to happen. You either love him exactly as he is right now, or you don't. At this stage of the relationship, I'd say time to bail.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

whiteshadow said:


> His family is very traditional and religious, but he doesn't practice religion. He hasn't been married.


It is very possible his own family has shamed his masturbation!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> Much like *PINK ELEPHANTS*!
> 
> If you want someone to stop thinking about pink elephants, you scream at them NOT TO THINK ABOUT PINK ELEPHANTS, and then when they admitted they were still thinking about them, you call them a sicko and an addict and tell them to stop!
> 
> ...


I never suggested shaming though. It's nothing to be ashamed over, it's something he needs to get help for...for himself. Being enslaved to an addiction is no way to live...even if she wasn't in his life, it's not healthy to believe that you 'need' something like porn use to get you through your week. That's more of my point. 

You are approaching this as though whiteshadow has some control of what he does or doesn't do. Or that she can help cure him of this. It's like an alcoholic...the person who has the addiction is the one who has to want to change, and see that his/her addiction is affecting his life and those around him in an adverse way. His porn use/masturbation habit has nothing to really do with her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> The boyfriend/girlfriend stage is the time when you're finding out if you're compatible. .... I'd say time to bail.


When you DO GET MARRIED the most important skill is problem solving. So in my opinion the boyfriend/girlfriend stage is the perfect stage to hone in your problem solving skills. 

Running away never solves anything. 

If you can't solve this problem with your boyfriend, it will likely foreshadow your inability to solve problems with someone else when you do get married. So you will be perpetually running away if you take this attitude. 

Get to the bottom of the problem. THEN if there is still no chemistry, LEAVE HIM!!!!!!

..or as kids say in texts these day DTMFA!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

We actually watched porn together a few times in the past, but I wasn't aware of his issues back then. I definitely don't feel comfortable watching porn with him now, I mean he'd have to watch some other people having sex in order to have sex with me? I have thought about it and no, I wouldn't be able to have an intercourse like that.

I know problem solving is very important in relationships, but TBH I would never knowingly go in a relationship with an addict. But it is what it is now, I have never been in a situation like this and I'm very confused about how to go forward. That's why I'm here.

He was never abused. I think relationship with is parents is ok, they talk on the phone or text a few times a week.


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## Kilgoretrout (Feb 2, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Her approach to it can be different yes, but it's one thing if it's occasional, it's caused a lack of sex for nearly 4 months, at a stage in a relationship that is still very new and fresh. I believe this isn't about shaming anyone's sexuality, anymore than someone drinking two bottles of wine per night and asking them to stop, is shaming them to not celebrate their desire to be drunk. Porn use in and of itself isn't a problem (to me) but when it causes a lack of sex and desire for your partner for four months? It's way more than it being something he does as part of his sexuality. It's an addiction or the beginning of one, if it's affecting his desire for real intimacy with his gf.


Right. Anything that is sort of trivial and diverting in a vacuum that gets in the way of the intimacy of the relationship is a problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Ahhh yes... The old bait and switch...

Good sex before marriage, then it all goes away and you're trapped in decades of hell.

Ask me how I know... 

Time to pack it up, move along. Thank your lucky stars you're not married to this man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

A common theme you find on this site is a spouse coming on and complaining about their sexless marriage. Then it's disclosed that the warning signs were there before they got married. Then everyone who was trying to help the poster does an about face and says "well why the hell did you marry them?".

Don't be that person.


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## Lothbrook (Mar 6, 2016)

I'm in the exact same situation OP. The difference is I'm a guy and I haven't found her "porn" (I honestly think she has never actually watched it). But Its nice to know that there's a woman experiencing this from a perspective that is somewhat similar to mine, gives me a sense of hope if you know what I mean.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

whiteshadow said:


> I have never been in a situation like this and I'm very confused about how to go forward. That's why I'm here.


OK, throw three kids into the mix, financial stress, relocation for a job to an area where there is no family nearby to help, chronic depression, and a medical emergency that requires tedious and painful rehabilitation. 

The things listed ABOVE have nothing to do with marriage, they are just common problems that many people face in life because life is messy. Now ask yourself if having a partner that is unconditionally on your team that will do whatever it takes to make things work would make you feel loved in a meaningful and profound way? That is what marriage is all about!

Regards,
Badsanta


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## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

We had a huge, unrelated to sex, fight on Wednesday. When our heads cooled off, we had a conversation about sex again. He swore to me that he hasn't been watching porn since our first fight (nearly 2 weeks ago) and that he needs just a few more days to get ready (to have sex with me).

He was lying. It happens that he was in fact watching porn on Wednesday&Thursday this week and 2 times last week. It's an improvement from before, but he's probably gonna get sucked back in. He refused therapy, saying he's gonna try on his own at first. It's now been almost 4 months since we had sex.

And another thing. Why would you think he watches "wife/GF cheating on her husband/BF" porn? Also, I'm white and 4 years before we met I slept with a Peruvian man. I told this to my BF. He seems to be watching a whole lot "Peruvian with white" porn. It's so weird.


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## 2ndchanceGuy (Sep 28, 2015)

whiteshadow said:


> We had a huge, unrelated to sex, fight on Wednesday. When our heads cooled off, we had a conversation about sex again. He swore to me that he hasn't been watching porn since our first fight (nearly 2 weeks ago) and that he needs just a few more days to get ready (to have sex with me).
> 
> He was lying. It happens that he was in fact watching porn on Wednesday&Thursday this week and 2 times last week. It's an improvement from before, but he's probably gonna get sucked back in. He refused therapy, saying he's gonna try on his own at first. It's now been almost 4 months since we had sex.
> 
> And another thing. Why would you think he watches "wife/GF cheating on her husband/BF" porn? Also, I'm white and 4 years before we met I slept with a Peruvian man. I told this to my BF. He seems to be watching a whole lot "Peruvian with white" porn. It's so weird.


Lying and refusing to go to therapy. Two HUGE red flags,
wait, 4 months without sex , make it 3 HUGE red flags ..... 

Time for some big decisions for you.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

Run. Fast. Don't look back.


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## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

I don't think I am shaming his sexuality, he wasn't born with this "condition" after all. And for those who think I am shaming it, is he denying my sexuality then? And if this is who he really is, then he shouldn't be with a woman who wants sex with him if he can't give it to her.

I know that majority of men watch porn, but this is a real eye opener for me. I didn't think that a "normal" guy would prefer porn to a woman. I still can't grasp it. To me sex is much more than just reaching an orgasm. The main thing I can't understand is, why after all this talk, he still doesn't have sex with me. How do we get back to normal sex life from here?

I am very sad about this. I am also very stressed and am constantly snapping at him. I didn't notice it until he asked me why I was so angry all the time. I told him I have a lot of resentment towards him, but I don't think he understands how deeply his actions affect me.


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

badsanta said:


> OK, throw three kids into the mix, financial stress, relocation for a job to an area where there is no family nearby to help, chronic depression, and a medical emergency that requires tedious and painful rehabilitation.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



How can one feel loved in a meaningful and profound way by someone who doesn't want to make love to you? I feel loved by my kids, my friends, my siblings ...all of whom I have no doubt would be there for me ...and have been for all the messy parts of life. But love making is supposed to be the one need that only your spouse can meet. 

My H asked me once if I would rather be loved and cherished or f#cked. I shouldn't have to choose. Having sex with a spouse that desires you as much as you do them is part of being loved and cherished in a marriage.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

wringo123 said:


> How can one feel loved in a meaningful and profound way by someone who doesn't want to make love to you? I feel loved by my kids, my friends, my siblings ...all of whom I have no doubt would be there for me ...and have been for all the messy parts of life. But love making is supposed to be the one need that only your spouse can meet.
> 
> My H asked me once if I would rather be loved and cherished or f#cked. I shouldn't have to choose. Having sex with a spouse that desires you as much as you do them is part of being loved and cherished in a marriage.
> 
> ...


"Husband, real relationships have both. Real husbands don't make a woman make that choice."

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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wringo123 said:


> My H asked me once if I would rather be loved and cherished or f#cked. *I shouldn't have to choose. *Having sex with a spouse that desires you as much as you do them is part of being loved and cherished in a marriage.


More power to you!










https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hFDcoX7s6rE


...or perhaps you will find out one day that loving someone and being loved is way more awesome when not it not easy, but you have to fight for it together as a couple!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## wringo123 (Mar 8, 2015)

badsanta said:


> More power to you!
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The problem is that he has not been willing to fight for it. He is content to take easy way out and allow me to suffer. Your position is really no more than the tired "there is more to a marriage than sex" excuse....which is true enough. But there is also more to life than food. Try removing that from your life and see how satisfying and fulfilling it is.

End of thread jack.

op, if you were married I would tell you to try and work with him...counseling or whatever. But your not. As has been said there are plenty of good men out there who don't have this problem. I am sure you are a bright beautiful young woman with much to offer someone who is willing and capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved. Don't waste what should be the most productive and exciting years of your life with someone who ultimately will only hold you back from experiencing what it really means to be truly loved cherished and desired. Don't be me. 


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

wringo123 said:


> But there is also more to life than food. Try removing that from your life and see how satisfying and fulfilling it is.




I kept telling myself I didn't want to eat the cookie and look what happened!


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## whiteshadow (Mar 5, 2016)

wringo123 said:


> I am sure you are a bright beautiful young woman with much to offer someone who is willing and capable of loving you the way you deserve to be loved.


I think I'm quite attractive, probably not everyone's cup of tea, but I'm in a good shape, take care of myself, dress nicely and all of that. My BF certainly did find me attractive at first, but I'm highly doubting he still does. I used to be happier and in better mood, smiling much more. I find myself snapping at him a lot lately and am getting jealous for the most ridiculous reasons (if we're watching TV and he compliments on an actress... I don't show it to him, but I feel as though as to him any woman is more attractive than me). 
I have taken up on a new sport in the last month and it has taken my mind off of this issue for a while, thus making me happier with myself, but he just doesn't show any sexual interest in me. I was thinking about it again yesterday and I feel like sh*t today. I'm so angry at him. He just doesn't care at all, I think he feels like this is a normal relationship and is taking me for granted.


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