# Affair?



## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

If it wasn't enough with all the marriage issues we are having now this takes the cake. 

Last month my wife told me that she was talking to an old friend from the country where she was born and grew up. I felt she was blaming me for doing this. 

Saying that I was too occupied with household chores and that she felt that she needed someone to talk to. I don't feel I was neglecting her at all. I have a 9-5; come home right away. We eat dinner together and sit for about an hour and conversate. Then I head out to do some yardwork for an hour or 2 before it gets dark and go back in. We would then hangout together, watched some TV, etc. Weekends were all dedicated to her; did things she wanted to do because she no longer wanted to do things I liked. 

This week we had an argument about her not wanting to visit my family (see previous post), and she hasnt talked to me for 4 days now. I tell her that even though she is upset it is no reason to not talk to me.

This morning I checked her computer and she's talking to the guy again. It seems that she initiated the converation too. It wasn't any "bad" conversation but just the idea that she continues to talk to this guy irks me so much. 

I try to be patient. But, this is all starting to become too much.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Routine murders marriages. Also yeah, I'd be careful about that! Your wife sounds kinda like an entitled brat! Try a surprise dinner. ALso try telling her how uncomfortable this makes you feel.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I think it's important for you to not let her dictate your priorities, your beliefs, and your values. If hers are quite different from yours, you might have to acknowledge that you're simply incompatible in some ways and either find ways that BOTH of you can agree to in order to work around those things. 

You are correct in believing you have a right to see your family members within reason. Once a month is certainly reasonable unless it involves expensive travel or neglecting your wife's legitimate needs (such as if she required medical care). Her expectation that you not do so because she doesn't want to is an unreasonable expectation, so just don't do it. It's up to her to find a way to deal with that. 

If her way to deal with that is to have questionable conversations that can undermine your marriage, then you're back to the same thing - incompatibility that either requires you to find a solution you can both live with, or continue to disagree. 

When there's too much incompatibility and disagreement, a relationship will eventually turn hostile or fall apart, sometimes both.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

She is in the process of doing the usual character assassination cheaters do to their spouses when they are about to cheat. The spouse can do nothing right, doesn't pay enough attention, or whatever they need to tell themselves to feel entitled to cheat. 

If you are interested in being with this woman (i see signs that you may not want to be in this relationship) you need to stomp this out now. Make it clear she ain't doing you any favors by being with you. That you are not dependent on her and that, if she doesn't shape up you will move on from the situation. 

And you better act now, before you lose all her respect.


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## filo123 (Oct 31, 2012)

Thanks for that. 

My family lives a mere 15-20 minutes away. And my wife does not need any special care. I am coming to mends with the idea of her having to deal with me going to visit my family. Especially since I see them at most once a month and we go to her family's 1-2 days per week.

RE: the surprise dinner. I will try this. I am just tired of giving and giving and not getting anything in return. 

I used to have to habbit of leaving notes for her, buying her flowers, suprising her with coffee at work etc. and it slowly dwindled when she would no longer go to places that I wanted to go and do things that at least I thought we enjoyed doing together when we dated and early marriage. (i.e. Tennis, skating, riding bike, going to movies). 

I still do these things and still try, but it's just hard to feel the urge and joy to continue when your partner blows you off so often.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Call her out on it.
Say that it is not acceptable to you that she has this opposite sex friend. It is not healthy for your marriage & you want to continue to grow a good marriage with her.

This includes her respecting your family. And it includes her respecting your wishes to do some activities... And also includes you repecting and accepting that maybe she does miss the "girl she used to be" when she used to talk to the guy.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> Call her out on it.
> Say that it is not acceptable to you that she has this opposite sex friend. It is not healthy for your marriage & you want to continue to grow a good marriage with her.
> 
> This includes her respecting your family. And it includes her respecting your wishes to do some activities... And also includes you repecting and accepting that maybe she does miss the "girl she used to be" when she used to talk to the guy.


Don't agree Chelle here. You just can not tell your partner that they can only have same sex friends. It makes the person look controlling and paranoid and isn't going to earn him any points. She may be having good talks with the guy and just that. I have many male friends and we just talk about life, stuff, kids and weather - mostly about nothing


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

filo123 said:


> If it wasn't enough with all the marriage issues we are having now this takes the cake.
> 
> Last month my wife told me that she was talking to an old friend from the country where she was born and grew up. I felt she was blaming me for doing this.
> 
> ...


What is this thread doing here?
Ask a Moderator to move it to the "Coping With Infidelity" section.

Your wife is in an Emotional Affair.

Unless you act, you can kiss your marriage goodbye. Marriage is hemorrhaging, all the intimacy you had with your wife is bleeding out through this "wound" and unto the other man.

The regular contributors in the CWI section will give you spot on advice, I earnestly advise you post in there instead if you want to save your marriage, your thread may get missed in here.


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

pandorabox said:


> Don't agree Chelle here. You just can not tell your partner that they can only have same sex friends. It makes the person look controlling and paranoid and isn't going to earn him any points. She may be having good talks with the guy and just that. I have many male friends and we just talk about life, stuff, kids and weather - mostly about nothing


I laughed IRL.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

pandorabox said:


> Don't agree Chelle here. You just can not tell your partner that they can only have same sex friends. It makes the person look controlling and paranoid and isn't going to earn him any points. She may be having good talks with the guy and just that. I have many male friends and we just talk about life, stuff, kids and weather - mostly about nothing


My hubby would not condone any opposite sex friends. I'm talking "friends-friends" not just acquaintances someone talks to occasionally.

You talking to your many male friends and just talking about life, stuff...whatever, It does not sound like you are doing what the OP's wife is doing. We may be having a different definition of friends here. To continually connect to one particular male & the conversation leads to more than just "life, stuff, kids, weather.." It would be very easy for someone that is trying to distance herself from her husband.. to fall into an emotional affair.

She is distancing herself from her husband and is reaching out to connect with another male... for more than just "conversation". I respectfully disagree here and say that she does not seem the type that is sound/mature enough to have this opposite sex friend that the husband is getting bad vibes about.

Yes... a husband CAN ask his wife to not have opposite sex friends, and not sound controlling or paranoid.


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## sheer (Dec 9, 2012)

Seriously why do you guys make such a big deal of affairs?? My husband has been having affairs on and off for 8 years, I have hit on plenty of guys at the bar and we are still living in together. 
If you don't like infidelity, then LEAVE. Seriously why do you act like third world country females, who worship their husbands and cannot stand affairs.
Get a life and enjoy.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sheer said:


> Seriously why do you guys make such a big deal of affairs?? My husband has been having affairs on and off for 8 years, I have hit on plenty of guys at the bar and we are still living in together.
> If you don't like infidelity, then LEAVE. Seriously why do you act like third world country females, who worship their husbands and cannot stand affairs.
> Get a life and enjoy.


Hey, if you like to turn a blind eye to your husband's infidelity, go for it baby girl. Some people actually take their vows seriously, even when they HAVE cheated in the past. Some actually have no interest in open marriages. If that works for you, fine. But most of us actually believe that a marriage is about TWO people, not 3 or more. Hey, if you're cool with him bringing some sort of nastiness home to you, that's your problem. But don't try telling someone that they need to grow up, or get a life, or that they should put up with the bs your husband does, just because you do. It doesn't work for us. I don't worship my husband. But I'll be DAMNED if I let some other woman touch him. Same thing goes for me... no man is allowed to touch me except my husband. I'd say we have a pretty good life, thanks. But if you feel the need to berate those of us who respect marriage, well, perhaps you are the one who needs to get a life?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

pandorabox said:


> Don't agree Chelle here. You just can not tell your partner that they can only have same sex friends. It makes the person look controlling and paranoid and isn't going to earn him any points. She may be having good talks with the guy and just that. I have many male friends and we just talk about life, stuff, kids and weather - mostly about nothing


Indeed, not only can you but in these situations it is the way you save marriages.

So the OP needs to confront her and tell her this relationship she has with the other many is unacceptable and that she must go NC with him immediately. this needs to be a firm, no compromise boundary. Her relationship with this man is killing her marriage.

These good talks you refer too are bonding with other men. This is what EAs are about. It is part of the mating riutal. The dance. It morphs into effectively dating others, if you "hangout" with these guys. Having good boundaries is essential. Your login name is very appropriate. You have opend pandoras box with these relationships.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

sheer said:


> Seriously why do you guys make such a big deal of affairs?? My husband has been having affairs on and off for 8 years, I have hit on plenty of guys at the bar and* we are still living in together. *


Just "still living together"... Not still happily married?

My point to you, would be to say that most of us do not wish to merely be "still living together". We want our marriages to be happy healthy co-respecting relationships that we bond with each other & only with each other.

If that is not your definition of a healthy marriage, then yes, you have the option to stay in a "living together", friendly roommate type of relationship, if that is your desire.

But wanting & expecting a "happy marriage" is why we make such big deals out of affairs.


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## pandorabox (Dec 7, 2012)

sheer said:


> Seriously why do you guys make such a big deal of affairs?? My husband has been having affairs on and off for 8 years, I have hit on plenty of guys at the bar and we are still living in together.
> If you don't like infidelity, then LEAVE. Seriously why do you act like third world country females, who worship their husbands and cannot stand affairs.
> Get a life and enjoy.


Well, on this one I will be on the same page as the rest of members. Anyway I wouldn't call the affairs as we relate to affair as something secret which obviously is not a case here. You just have an open marriage.


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