# Is anyone married to an Aspergers spouse



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I was doing some reading and found a question and answer about being married to an aspergers spouse and I feel like my husband is aspergers these answers make soooo much sense

Married to someone with Aspergers1. What is Asperger Syndrome?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is the term applied to the high functioning end of what is known 
as the spectrum of pervasive developmental disorders or the Autism spectrum.
Asperger syndrome is a relatively new category, since it was officially recognized in the 
Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) for the first time in 1994.
Since AS itself shows a range or spectrum of symptom severity, many individuals who 
might meet criteria for that diagnosis are viewed as "unusual" or "just different," or are 
misdiagnosed with conditions such as Attention Deficit Disorder.
The new DSM-4 criteria for a diagnosis of AS include the presence of:
ï The impaired use of nonverbal behaviors to regulate social interaction, failure to ï
develop age-appropriate peer relationships, lack of spontaneous interest in sharing ï
experiences with others, and lack of social or emotional reciprocity.
ï Restricted, repetitive, and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities 
involving: preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted pattern of ï
interest, inflexible adherence to specific nonfunctional routines or rituals, 
stereotyped or repetitive motor mannerisms, or preoccupation with parts of objects.

2. How common is Asperger Syndrome?
AS is much more common than previously realized and many adults are 
undiagnosed.Studies suggest that AS is considerably more common than "classic" Autism. 
Whereas Autism has traditionally been thought to occur in about 4 out of every 10,000 
children, estimates of Asperger Syndrome have ranged as high as 20-25 per 10,000. A 
study carried out in Sweden , concluded that nearly 0.7% of the children studied had 
symptoms suggestive of AS to some degree. Time Magazine notes in its May 6, 2002 issue 
cover story, "ASD is five times as common as Down syndrome and three times as common 
as juvenile diabetes."

3. All of us have symptoms like these at times. Are we all Aspergers?
Many describe living with an Aspie as "water torture." It is the constant drip, drip, drip of 
small thoughtless behaviors that destroys the relationship. The lack of eye contact, the 
obsessive/compulsive behaviors, the adherence to rigid routines, the self absorption, the 
social anxiety, all lead to family members feeling like they just cannot connect with their 
Asperger family members. But it isn't so much the unusual behaviors that make the 
connecting difficult, but the inconsistency. Never knowing what is coming next, makes a 
loving connection very difficult.

4. What distinguishes Asperger thinking from normal thinking?
Asperger Syndrome (AS) is demonstrated by deficits in communication, social skills and 
reciprocity of feelings. The Aspie knows what they think and feel but are often unaware of 
what their loved ones think or feel. With limited empathy for others, you can't really 
connect. So those with Asperger Syndrome go through life focused on their needs and 
wants often missing what is going on with others. This does not mean that they don't feel 
or love but they don't seem to notice what is going on with others and do not convey that 
they care.

5. What is mind blindness?
Most of our communication and interpersonal relating is nonverbal in nature. The person 
with Asperger Syndrome has trouble reading these nonverbal cues and therefore ignores 
the bulk of communication. This mind blindness leaves the spouse wondering if she is 
understood or cared for or trusted by her Aspie partner.

6. Can men with Asperger Syndrome love?
All people can feel love. It's a matter of quality in a relationship with an AS adult. The AS 
man never seems to learn that his wife can't feel his love if he does not demonstrate it. 
He will do what he thinks is best for the both of them but seldom talks to her about her 
feelings or opinions. And if she tries to share her love for him, he may find her need to 
"connect" smothering. Often these relationships are without sexual intimacy.

7. Why can't these men connect?
If you don't have much of an interior life yourself and you cannot comprehend the interior 
life of another, then connection is very difficult. An Aspie husband and Neuro-typical (NT) 
wife are often described as like two insulated wires wrapped around each other, . . . 
touching but not connecting.

8. Why do Asperger men and Neuro-typical women get married?
AS men are attracted to strong, intelligent, compassionate women who can handle the 
social world for them. These same women are attracted to the unconventional nature and 
boyish charm of AS men. They feel he will allow them their independence. It is only later 
that they learn their AS partner is quite conservative. Instead of supporting her 
independence the NT wife realizes that her AS husband is merely disinterested in her 
interests. His attention is narrowly focused on his interests.

9. Are there women with Asperger Syndrome?
Yes and their lives are probably even more complex than their male counterparts. To some 
extent, males with Asperger's are more accepted because their behavior is viewed as 
extreme male thinking. But women with Asperger Syndrome are viewed as cold, uncaring, 
and selfish. Many AS women never marry or they marry AS men.

10. What kind of parents are people with Asperger Syndrome?
We are just learning about this tragedy from adults coming forward to tell about being 
raised by AS parents. So far these people are reporting that they have coped with severe 
depression and self esteem problems because they lived with a parent who could not 
nurture them or get to know who they really are. It is very debilitating to experience 
emotional rejection daily as a child, even if your physical needs are provided for. This does 
not mean the AS parent does not love their child. But the communication and relating 
deficits confuse the child and can lead to the child feeling unloved.

11. Why is it so emotionally debilitating for NTs to live with these people?
When the person you love does not respond to your bids for affection, or attempts to 
share your inner world, you come to doubt your perception of reality. Slowly your self-
esteem is eroded. You walk on eggshells wondering what abuse the AS parent or spouse 
will dish out next. If your mate, child or parent has not yet been diagnosed, you do not 
know that they have a developmental disability. So you keep trying to reach them or solve 
the problem and often blame yourself. You find a way to cope and often this creates 
severe depression or extreme resentment. Many NTs who have grown up with AS parents 
report a lifetime of severe depression, "nervous breakdowns" and a string of broken 
relationships because they came to believe that they had no worth. Remember it is the 
child's experience that defines the parenting, not whether the AS parent loves their child.

12. What do you mean by walking on eggshells in an Asperger marriage?
Men with undiagnosed AS often feel as if their spouse is being ungrateful or "*****y" when 
she complains he is uncaring or never listens to her. He knows what he thinks and how he 
feels, so should she. He has no need to understand her so her complaints are bothersome 
to him. He can come to be quite defensive when she asks for clarification or a little 
sympathy. The defensiveness turns into verbal abuse (and sometimes physical abuse) as 
the husband attempts to control the communication to suit his view of the world.

13. Is there a cure for Asperger Syndrome or for the marriage?
Asperger Syndrome is an incurable form of autism. The usual methods of psychotherapy 
used to teach clients communication and interpersonal skills will not work with AS. The AS 
client can master some simple behaviors to get them by in the world, but they will fall 
short in the intimacy of marriage. In the marriage the NT spouse will need to adapt to the 
handicap. She must learn to translate the language to make her needs and wants as 
explicit as possible because her partner cannot read her non-verbal communication. She 
must also look to others for the type of personal and spiritual connection she can never 
have with her husband.

14. How can you have a marriage without connecting personally or spiritually?
Again it is a matter of quality. If you have many interests in common, such as music or 
sports, you may enjoy the companionship of your AS spouse. However, the strain of 
raising children who may have inherited AS from their parent, often puts an end to the 
marriage. The NT spouse cannot handle the loneliness and abuse, and care for dependent 
children as well. Often she is the one to finally call an end to the marriage. On the other hand, some NT spouses report that the marriage can be quite gratifying if their AS spouse acknowledges his limitations and works with his wife to create a kind of loving connection.

15. What can you expect if you divorce an AS man?
Unfortunately he will not understand why the woman wants a divorce and he is likely to be 
quite angry about it. Not knowing how to handle his distress he may turn the energy into 
revenge. Many high conflict divorces are the result of the negativity and obsessing of the 
AS partner regarding the wrongdoing he perceives of his NT spouse. It is likely to be a 
long, painful and expensive divorce where all suffer, including the children. Some men 
with AS, however, just leave quietly and never remarry, because they cannot quite figure 
out how to rebuild a life separately from their former spouse. Some NT former spouses 
report that their ex-husband even still refers to her as his "wife" years after the divorce


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Home diagnosis of mental illness is a dead end.

People start with the assumption that there is a problem, then go looking for the diagnosis that fits it.

I know one couple that is currently divorcing because the wife became obsessed the the idea that the husband was Asperger's. She hounded him about it until he left.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> Home diagnosis of mental illness is a dead end.
> 
> People start with the assumption that there is a problem, then go looking for the diagnosis that fits it.
> 
> I know one couple that is currently divorcing because the wife became obsessed the the idea that the husband was Asperger's. She hounded him about it until he left.


Ok I understand what your saying that is one couple,and I am sorry they are going through that. Sometimes if there is a disorder that fits what's going on it's easier to understand instead of going wow my spouse is acting like a )#*[email protected] however you saying that is not helpful to me it's almost like you are assuming who and what I am doing. Don't misunderstand me I am asking for people that are married to aspergers partners. My husband has already admittedly told me that he believes he is......so that isnt my issue


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Here's the deal a marital problem is a marital problem regardless the "source". If your husband believes he's an aspie then that's great you now both have an understanding as to WHY he behaves the way he does. At this point then the question becomes what is HE willing to do about it?

Aspies can learn to relate to others even within a marriage. From what I've read many are quite intelligent. It's just like any other skill that could be mastered.


----------



## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I agree
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dulciean (Nov 18, 2012)

I understand these feelings and the grappling for a ' home diagnosis ' . My husband had some counselling in his early childhood that pointed to ASD, but he and his family never followed anything up. There is definitely a developmental issue of some sort there though. Hardest part is convincing him a formal diagnosis would help,us negotiate a better understanding of each other.


----------



## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I too thought my husband might also have asperger's, read about it, he read about it and identified with part of it. But then I realized, at least for me, I was making excuses for my husband. The man is emotionally unavailable and finding out whether he has asperberger's is not going to make a difference because eitehr way he is not going to change. I used to think understanding would help but it does not, at least not for me, things remain the same. I learned I just had to stop finding excuses for his behavior.


----------



## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Former partner and father of my younger two, yes.
But I think he had other issues as well. 
Was told by counselor I should leave relationship pronto but she could not tell me why.
Kids behave differently when they return from being with him, but he has learned to be hands off with them and let them have their way. Ordinarily I would think this wasn't a good way to parent, but in his case letting them call the shots is a good idea, since he cannot understand what it is they want to do, or why. So just going along as the adult who drives and pays is best.


----------

