# Mama bear is a helicopter in denial



## Tknight (Jul 30, 2018)

I broke up with my ex a year ago and she still lives with me and we co-parent our 2 year old girl together. I have a big house with a big backyard and sleep in a different room. I work full-time monday to friday, and every odd day the other parent is responsible to take care of her in the evenings. 

The issue is that whenever it's my night to take care of the kid mama bear doesn't agree with my style. She says I am way to lax with the kid...but I refuse to coddle the kid and I certainly allow her to roam around freely, I don't believe it's healthy to teach kids they are the center of attention and I think it's really important to teach consequence early on, letting them learn on their own whenever appropriate. The kid is good, she doesn't climb things and so what if she likes to eat some soil here and there. Mama bear is a social justice warrior hippy and i'm a classic frenchman. You mean I can't give my kid milk and cheese? Urgh...

When it's my night to watch the kid I'll actually live my life. I'll play guitar, record, sing, write, read, watch tv, and she plays with her toys and sure from time to time I'll play with her and have a blast doing it too but I somehow manage to keep the house super clean and repair things and get a tons done. I never leave her out of my sight. 

But mama bear is not capable of this. Maybe it's because I'm 29 and she's 42? I don't know...but everytime I come home from work it's a tornado. Even on my free nights I have to clean everything, cook, do laundry, you name it. I'm struggling at communicating healthy boundaries with her. She's just not a responsible adult, she's completely unorganized and I am worried she'll teach our kid this if I don't tighten the belt. She's got an "early childhood education" degree, which is total crap...she didn't have parents and grew up in abusive household. She overcompensates and protects the kid, but I see through that, she totally projects her fears and insecurities onto the kid, it's all she has left in life sometimes it seems, it's kind of sad. Every single time the kid cries she loses her marbles, her postpartum is still in effect 2 years later. She's getting help from a therapist and exercising daily but it seems everytime she watches me parent she loses her top, she just doesn't trust me, and I'll be damned if I am going to raise a spoiled brat. I was raised by war vets and I sincerely believe she, along with many other parents are WAY too soft on their kids.What worries me is now the kid knows this, I have seen her manipulate mama bear on several occasions already. She knows she can't pull that crap on me, but this creates further tension between mama bear and I. So as you can see we have our conflicts. 

Has anybody else dealt with a partner like this? What are some things I can do to build trust in her? Sometimes it feels like the best thing for her to do is just leave when I have my nights with the kid.


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## KM87 (Nov 5, 2017)

I can absolutely relate to this, @Tknight. My husband and I have been married for 4 years. We each brought a child into the marriage and now we have 2 together (ages: 12, 7, 2 and 4mo). Our parenting styles are vastly different, as a result of the completely different life experiences we each bring to the table. 

I am still waiting on the answer to your question, as I have wondered the same numerous times. I like to think that after my husband has witnessed me parenting my kids (especially the toddler), he realizes how much better behaved they are for me than they are for him. I like to think he's observed my methods and is adopting some of them (after years of me begging that we take some parenting classes to get on the same page - mostly for the kids!). I am thankful that I'm starting to see some positive changes. However, throw in a long day or a temper tantrum and my husband caves and resorts to whatever will silence the noise. 

I try to make sure I am "in charge" a lot more than my husband. That way, I can make sure that at least most of the time, the kids have boundaries and consequences. I realize this isn't probably feasible in your situation. I have yet to find the secret to getting the other parent onto the same page. If they don't want to do the hard work, you can't really make them.

I wish you luck, OP. And if you discover something that works, I hope you'll come back and share it 😊.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

YOUR house and she lives there? How about your EX moves out and on with her life? You co parent... separately. Why are you cleaning up after her?


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## Tknight (Jul 30, 2018)

Agreed. I'm really struggling with this. It's been 5 months that she says she has been looking for work but still nothing. She always makes up an excuse. The other day somewhere was hiring and she said "I don't like the floors" or "I don't like the managers".....yeah...

I have no problem sending support. The issue is getting her to leave. She makes 0 effort to try and get out.

If she moves out, I'd send support, for sure. But I'd have to get a renter to make ends meet, which is fine, but the fact is she doesn't want a stranger in my house if I am raising the kid there too on my days, which I would be. It's all fair but again she makes 0 effort in this change that is desperately required.

I think she is still in denial. We had a meeting with a counsellor yesterday. She is so difficult to deal with. I don't know what to do.


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## oceanbreeze (Oct 8, 2007)

Wow. I am just now reading this. Not sure about your ex-gf. She is 42 years old, making excuses, has many fears, not getting it together. I think she needs to quickly get a psychiatric evaluation and mental health support. Then get a part time job...that will then transition into a full time job (or 2 part time jobs). 

I am 32 and my husband is 42 years old. he also does not have a job right now. he can get jobs but also loses them. so he also needs much support mental health as well because he often gets depressed. but at least he is caring for our son so I can get my career back on the road after staying home for 20 months from maternity leave to care for our son.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

Read the book Critical Conversations. Assuming for sake of argument you are right, you have to think of what is the most effective way to communicate your thoughts or requests.


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