# Is this normal?



## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

First of all, is there a way to link my thread in the CWI forum to this one, it seems kinda redundant to retype my whole story. Its titled "started the paperwork". But this is kinda my update/vent. 

I have been doing ok. followed my own advice that i have given to so many others, thrown myself into projects and mostly crushing the gym and seeing very positive results. it helps with the anger some i guess. 

I have had very limited contact with the STBXW. I have filed the initial round of divorce papers(i had to wait the mandatory six months in VA) and got her served in the state she lives in now. she threw a fit about that, she was embarassed i guess because she lives with her parents in a small town. most of my contact has been through email. while mine are strict and to the point, she seems kinda light hearted, trying to to start side conversations i think. that really confuses me, apparently an amicable divorce means two different things to us. she seems to think that we can laugh and joke, i take it as we are just trying not to screw one another over. oh well. she even made a comment that so peeved me off. she said something to the effect that this is so sad. i said to her, its kinda late to be reconsidering the divorce. she said, oh no, its for the best, its just people dont like to fail at marraige. for some reason, that sent me through the roof. it was so flippant. like oh, i tried to plant a garden and nothing grew...YOU SCREWED AROUND ON ME, BURNT OUR MARRIAGE TO THE GROUND, TOOK AWAY THE ONLY DAD YOUR SON HAS KNOWN, and its "too bad". i guess thats where i am stuck. how she can act so flippant towards this. not much remorse, let alone never having the guts to admit to me what you did. and then acting like we are cool, we are just going our seperate ways. things didn't work out....i just can't believe her. 

last week some stuff about the divorce papers got a little misunderstood in our emails back and forth, so we had to talk on the phone just to clear things up. now all of our emails and the limited phone conversations have been civil. but as i was talking to her, her son in the background yells out "HI OM's name, I love you". needless to say, this sent my blood boiling. there was a moment of "oh sh**" silence on her part, and i just hung up the phone. she called back like five min later and i asked to talk to the boy. well of course he recognized me once i got on the phone and we had a good conversation for a few min (converstations with a five year old are only so deep) and i got back on the phone with her. i said what i had to say to finish our business, and she had a very contrite tone to her voice. this weekend at like four thirty in the morning, i get this text 
*So we just had another long horrible night. happens every time you talk with him. i dont know whats right, but i do know the not having anything to do with him and then calling is tearing him apart. he misses you like crazy and wanted to drive down and see you. *

For those of you who arent familiar with my story, her son was my stepson and we were very close. but with us getting divorced, and her moving to another state and me having absolutely no parental rights, it might be better to stop contact with him too. she has wanted me to call and talk to him in the past, and i have, and its been ok. but there hasnt been much of that lately. i guess i wrote this in just so if you havent read my story, i am not some kind of monster. 

On to my main point. I guess is it normal to be this angry this far out. this frustrated and hurt still. to still be wondering if this was some kind of exit affair, her just needing attention or what. i guess i didn't get alot of closure, and i don't think that i ever will. that really bothers me. it would mean alot to me for her to just come out and tell me everything that happened. i know the generalities, but some of the specifics. not the gross stuff, but when did things really start, is this the first time(because looking back i am not sure that it is). those are my struggles. 

And sleeping, is that still normal to have so many problems this far out. I get absolutely exhausted, but can't sleep. its like the second my head hits the pillow, my brain kicks into overdrive with this stuff. i have tried meds, which work great, but the military hates having you on the stuff. i have some MP3's on my IPOD of thunderstorms, that seems to help a little, but its a continuing problem. 

I guess thats my rant/get stuff off my chest/update so to speak. would love to hear any suggestions from people further along than i am. until then i will continue to move on.


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Man...

I think you need to cut yourself out of the kids life. I know that sucks. I know that hurts. I know it is not right. I just do not see what else you can do. It is going to hurt like hell and it is going to hurt him too, but I do not see what else you can do.

You are dealing with a lot, not only losing her, but your step son as well. I honestly recommend IC. You are dealing with a lot. If you feel yourself slipping do not let pride get in the way for asking for help.

Pray. I am sorry. This is not right. Take care.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

I have for the most part cut myself out of his life. and that was an agonizing decsion. trust me. 

and i know i should try to look at the bright side, that at least i found out what she is now, instead of ten or fifteen years down the road.....


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Yeah, but lets be honest, that isn't really a bright side. I think it is something that really doesn't need your focus, because it is still a focus on her. 

The focus needs to be on you my friend. Keep that head up, keep on truckin.

I am sorry about your stepson. I really am man. Wish I could buy you a beer or 20.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I don't remember the complete details of your story, so correct me if I am wrong. Some might be cheaters but are good parents. From what I can remember, she never used the kid to manipulate you(Though you fear she might do it). If you want to, you can still maintain a good relationship with him without letting her get to you. It breaks my heart when I read how much the kid is hurting without you. See if you can come to some sort of agreement with her w.r.t the kid. Or try to ease him off gradually. You can have a good relationship with him without letting her affect you.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Well I think she is a good parent to a point. Although what kind of mother cheats on her husband in front of her five year old is beyond me... And yes I was afraid she would have tried to manipulate me through him, and I am not so sure she wouldn't have had I allowed her. But I pretty much went dark and I think she got the picture. While I wish things could be different, I think it's for the best that I made the descion I did. Especially since she told me she is trying to start a business venture in another country with a friend... So as much as that situation sucks, it's a suck it up and push through it kinda thing. 

Where I am hung up is with a few of the other items I mentioned above. Like how she acts like everything is cool between us, like we are two old friends who just haven't talked in a long time. I just wonder if it registers in her head how much she hurt me and what she has done to me (and to her son who is having issues as you can imagine). It just makes me seeth inside, fuming. I am angry and hurt that she tore our lives apart, and shows only the slightest remorse, if any at all. I want her family to know that she is the one that tore down our marriage, not "it just didn't work out" or whatever BS story she has concocted to make her seem the victim. She is very good at that. And I guess I want some kind of closure. An understanding of why this all happened. Was she just done with the marriage( although early on when I asked her a similar question she said no) or was this some kind of ego thing. Someone paying attention to her while I was gone... I want to know why I wasn't worth fighting for at all. why she wouldn't stop seeing him while saying she didnt want a divorce.. And I want her to finally stop lying to me about what happened. I know what happened, just not when it started or why. I am sorry but you can't tell me when a guy is living at our house for three weeks ( I was deployed), went on vacation to Disney world with her and the boy, (pictures found of them kissing). When I got back I from deployment I found empty emergency contraception packaging in the truck with a receipt with her credit card number on it. And I later found pregnancy tests with some of them used, bought by her while I was gone. The list goes on. The boy says his mom and the OM said I love you.... I confronted her with all this and she ad
Itted they kissed but that's it. To me that's just a slap in the face with no respect towards me at all. Even later after we had seperated and she wouldn't come clean... 

I will never get any of those things from her. I know this. I guess my question is how do I get passed that. I am over missing her, there is no little part of me that wants her back or anything. 

How do I get over the rage and disgust I feel for her. How do I accept that I am never going to get the things from her that would help me heal. How do I do that on my own
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

C&C,

If you focus on her and what she's feeling?

You won't get over anything.

Get a good counselor and learn how to respect yourself independent of what she thinks/does.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

The problem isn't you talking to him. That's BS he is feeding you.

The problem is she is cheating piece of trash who has obviously been pushing her son to engage with the idiot OM.

I call him an idiot because look at her record, she is inevitably going to cheat on the OM too. She's just that kind of trash.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy (Jan 26, 2012)

Just to add something to this.

You will never understand it. EVER. You can only accept it and move forward. Trying to understand this will literally tear you apart. There is nothing to understand really. She cheated, left, and that is it. The reasons are all in her head and make sense to no one, but her. It will never make sense, to you. EVER.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

I'm sorry, I have no words of wisdom or even of comfort, I'm just speechless. All I can say and I mean this is that I am truly truly sorry for you and for this child. I am so sorry. I will say a prayer for you both.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chocolategeek (Mar 8, 2012)

crazyconfused said:


> Well I think she is a good parent to a point. Although what kind of mother cheats on her husband in front of her five year old is beyond me... And yes I was afraid she would have tried to manipulate me through him, and I am not so sure she wouldn't have had I allowed her. But I pretty much went dark and I think she got the picture. While I wish things could be different, I think it's for the best that I made the descion I did. Especially since she told me she is trying to start a business venture in another country with a friend... So as much as that situation sucks, it's a suck it up and push through it kinda thing.
> 
> Where I am hung up is with a few of the other items I mentioned above. Like how she acts like everything is cool between us, like we are two old friends who just haven't talked in a long time. I just wonder if it registers in her head how much she hurt me and what she has done to me (and to her son who is having issues as you can imagine). It just makes me seeth inside, fuming. I am angry and hurt that she tore our lives apart, and shows only the slightest remorse, if any at all. I want her family to know that she is the one that tore down our marriage, not "it just didn't work out" or whatever BS story she has concocted to make her seem the victim. She is very good at that. And I guess I want some kind of closure. An understanding of why this all happened. Was she just done with the marriage( although early on when I asked her a similar question she said no) or was this some kind of ego thing. Someone paying attention to her while I was gone... I want to know why I wasn't worth fighting for at all. why she wouldn't stop seeing him while saying she didnt want a divorce.. And I want her to finally stop lying to me about what happened. I know what happened, just not when it started or why. I am sorry but you can't tell me when a guy is living at our house for three weeks ( I was deployed), went on vacation to Disney world with her and the boy, (pictures found of them kissing). When I got back I from deployment I found empty emergency contraception packaging in the truck with a receipt with her credit card number on it. And I later found pregnancy tests with some of them used, bought by her while I was gone. The list goes on. The boy says his mom and the OM said I love you.... I confronted her with all this and she ad
> Itted they kissed but that's it. To me that's just a slap in the face with no respect towards me at all. Even later after we had seperated and she wouldn't come clean...
> ...


I understand what you're going through, crazyconfused. I had such rage and disgust for my H during our separation and after I found out for sure about his A, that I literally wished he would die. I couldn't stand being around him. He was so arrogant and acted like we were best friends. He too, never came clean with his A. I ignored his attempts to become even more chummy with me. I was civil and curt, only speaking with him when I needed to. 

I can tell you that the anger will diminish with time, until all you'll have is a passing "ugh" feeling you'll have for her. Keep building a life of your own without her, pursuing your interests and projects, and overall taking care of yourself. Each and every day, remind yourself that you will never get answers to all the questions you have for her--*and that it's okay*. That you don't need her to cooperate for you to be able to truly move forward with your life. If you have to remind yourself that every minute, so be it. 

Keep making good memories by yourself and with friends. Eventually, you'll notice that you aren't angry as much and little by little the load will get lighter, until one day you've really really let it go and the anger is gone. All you'll feel is pity for the way she is, and gratefulness that you're finally free of her.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Shaggy, oh her and him are already done. matter of fact, she dropped him about two weeks after she left the state. i'm sure they still talk, but yeah, we see what a piece of work she is...

thank you all for your words of support... i guess i am trying to understand why i am so angry. it sounds stupid, but after a couple months, i was really at that, blah stage, and she just didn't bother me...now that its divorce time, i find myself seething again...i guess i just find myself wondering why my anger is building again, i figured i was over that part. i really wish i was apathetic towards her. that would be nice. then maybe i could sleep.... and i really wish she would quit dragging her feet on the divorce. i don't get that either. she's not actively fighting it, just not getting me back the paperwork i need to finish the divorce...


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## VostroDH (Apr 16, 2012)

The end of a marriage takes a looooong time to get over, especially if there are unanswered questions. You need to allow yourself to grieve over the death of the marriage and the loss of contact with your stepson. Best thing to do is to forgive yourself for whatever part you may have played in the marriage degrading and forgive her as well. That doesn't mean what she did was right or that you will ever forget the pain, but it gives you the chance to move forward. Work on learning about what you might have done differently and then when you're ready, try to make a connection with someone new.


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