# If you could rewind would you?



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Would you want to go back before dday, before they started cheating and change things in hope that they wouldn't cheat?

Or would you rather know who and what they are today and every day forward, regardless of the pain they have caused.

Better to live in the true reality of your life than in some fantasy that they love you and are faithful.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

A good question I have pondered myself. The question becomes that I think I don't know the entire story, therefor it is entirely possible that in order to reverse it, I would have to go back before we were married and probably wouldn't have married (had I have known the full truth) and therefor my kids, which are wonderful people, wouldn't be here today. It is a hard question for me to ponder because of this fact. It hurts everyday to think this way.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

I would have rewinded to the moment before I said my vows. It wasn't my fault she chose to have an A. I was all I could be for her. If it wasn't enough for her, it's not my fault at all.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would never go back to the past because it happened for a reason.

I choose to live in the present and think to the future.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> I would never go back to the past because it happened for a reason.
> 
> I choose to live in the present and think to the future.



Better the devil you know than one you don't

I am not saying I am happy with all of my knowledge, there is just some perverse comfort in seeing who they really are.

I would rather live here and now with this than to ever go back and live with the illusion.

As far as things happening for a reason, I think there are lessons to be learned everyday it is a matter of us paying attention


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

If I could rewind I'd rewind to before we met and turn him down instead.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Would you want to go back before dday, before they started cheating and change things in hope that they wouldn't cheat?
> 
> Or would you rather know who and what they are today and every day forward, regardless of the pain they have caused.
> 
> Better to live in the true reality of your life than in some fantasy that they love you and are faithful.


I was just thinking about this earlier today!

My short answer is that I would want to know. I am grateful at times for the new path that I am on. None of it would have happened without the betrayal, D, and finding a new life.

Better things are possible because of it. With the exception of money, my life is better than it was prior to D-day. I am about 3.5 years out.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Yes and I would not ignore even the slightest of white lies that were always being told to me and never except any of her excuses of why I would come home from the field and many a deployment to an empty bank account. And if she didn't shape up, I would have shipped her a$$ out. Love is so blind.....

But on the flip side, I would have never known that those were actually warning signs of the poison she is capable of spewing.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I honestly don't know.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

No, I agree with Jellybeans on that one. The present is where it's at.

Besides, you can only change yourself. As the BS, that may or may not have any impact on the affair.


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

If my wife cheated, I would answer this that I'd go back before it and not marry her. pretty simple.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

love=pain said:


> Would you want to go back before dday, before they started cheating and change things in hope that they wouldn't cheat?
> 
> Or would you rather know who and what they are today and every day forward, regardless of the pain they have caused.
> 
> Better to live in the true reality of your life than in some fantasy that they love you and are faithful.


I would go back further. I remember the exact moment and location where we stood and I told her that loved her and wanted to marry her. If I could go back to that moment I would have stood up threw the ring in he lake and walked away never looking back. A nice fantasy.


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## Blacksmith01 (Aug 12, 2013)

I think I would go back before D-Day and just keep my mouth shut while I used var's and hired a private investigator.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Differentguy (Oct 3, 2013)

If I could go back in time, I would not have married her. I think about this at least once a day.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Ouch... bit of a painful question. 

I'd never rewind... always know, glean, progress... you can't do that if you are standing still or living in the past. That's why purgatory is a reference to being stuck. You can't move forward.


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## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Many of us wish we could go back and never meet or change the outcome of the relationship, or at least have that hindsight to monitor our WS better to prevent them from cheating.

But my real question is if you could go back before you found out before there was any cheating what so ever, you know that place when you could get a good nights sleep, when you were confident in your marriage and spouse, even though your relationship may have had rocky times there was strength between you that could never be broken.
Maybe you would make some changes, maybe not it probably doesn't matter because somewhere in them was and is the capacity to cheat so those changes wouldn't guarantee faithfulness. You lived next to them with no idea of the monster inside and maybe they didn't really know about it either until that random thought caught fire or that temptation proved too much.

Would you rather know what you know now about who they really are or go back to those salad days and have no idea?


As a side thought do you think if the chance to rewind was there would they still cheat? Not after the ddays and the remorse and having a chance to go back and not cheat but re living it all over again moving the calendar back with no idea of the future would they cheat again? If the circumstances stayed the same would their choice be different?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I knew what I was getting into when I married her... I should have handled her differently.
After 23 years and being older and wiser I can handle her the way she needs to be handled.

But in the same breath she could have been more honest about her wants and desires.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Would you want to go back before dday, before they started cheating and change things in hope that they wouldn't cheat?
> 
> Or would you rather know who and what they are today and every day forward, regardless of the pain they have caused.
> 
> Better to live in the true reality of your life than in some fantasy that they love you and are faithful.



The question would presume that back then, if the BS-to-be had changed some things in his/ her behavior and attitude, the WS-to-be wouldn’t have cheated. *The onus of (preventing) future-infidelity rests on the BS-to-be, i.e.
*
But if the marriage had become damaged / dysfunctional by then, the WS-to-be also had to change many things in his/her behavior and attitude, to have resuscitated it.

The BS-to-be, with the knowledge of future infidelity by his spouse, WILL alter his /her behavior, but will the WS-to-be, WITHOUT the knowledge of his/her own future infidelity (and the enormous cost he/she will have to pay for it), change his/her ways accordingly, prompted merely by the change in the spouse (or even by a clear caveat that if things don’t change, there should be MC, or a divorce)?

*What my experience of human nature tells me is that in sexual matters, the wiser option will almost always be acknowledged / pursued only in hindsight.*


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## jupiter13 (Jun 8, 2012)

I would go back to before the affair and make sure he understood some basic things h claims he didn't know. Like I truly loved him. He said he only realized how much love I had for him when he saw the look only face after he told me what had been going on because he felt guilty and I had a right to know. Some get to know they are loved while others will never get to be loved as we should be.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I would not go back
Because then I would lack
Knowing the feeling of

My deepest passion
My deepest joy
My deepest pain
My greatest strength


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I would not go back
> Because then I would lack
> Knowing the feeling of
> 
> ...


Spot on! Bravo.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I think that this is an extremely plausible question. And if any reasonable person has never given adequate thought to it, I really feel that they are not being totally honest with themselves.

A person falls in love with another person for circumstances that are oftentimes unknown. It could be a physical attraction, it could be a psychological attraction, it could even be an empathetic one. Quite often, it is a combination.

And in recognizing that attractive quality in them, we frequently do not ever see any of their bad qualities, any of their past mistakes, any of their perceived flaws, et. al. only until such time that we have consummated and cemented the relationship with them, and then some of our emotional or physical needs subsequently and either inadvertently or intentionally are not being met.

I'll be the first to say that I loved both of my XW's with my entire soul and heart. But I feel that I was such a morally, spiritually grounded person that they both came to resent it. Both of the wives seemed to be more grounded in the ascension of power, status, and wealth ~ whereas I was not. I really feel that their extramarital sex with other men was largely based on that premise, as a means to an end!

And in doing so, they largely go about achieving that through most deceptive, covert means with little regard for severity in which they clandestinely go about slicing open and dicing up their marital partner's heart and soul!

Perhaps they both saw my spirituality as a crutch that maybe it forestalled me to the point that I wasn't quite as ambitious as they had perceived or wanted me to be. Regardless, as one's expectations get quashed, their "loving feelings" do also. And then in some way as they try to recapture the old sexual tingly feeling, they look for it in the workplace, or on the internet, or with old friends from the past or even with flirtatious strangers.

Given these circumstances: No I would not, in the least, ever want to go back because of the element of a severely broken trust that I perceive could never be adequately remedied, even on it's very best day!

I feel like we are largely left with little but "trial and error" with potential or future partners, and unfortunately we have no real alternative other than to somehow judge them as new relationship partners based solely on the "good" and the "not-so-good" experiences of our past relationships!*


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I absolutely would go back and change it....positively yes...I would undo what I have done.


*And I totally respect and have the highest regard for both you and your H, because there was a notable absence of one major unique quality that oftentimes condemns marital relationships ~ wanton unremorseful, self-serving deception!

Mrs JA: You and Mr. JA are truly the exceptions to that rule, and for which you both, IMHO, should be highly commended!*


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

As I've told her, I'd go back to the time I proposed, and have a much more in-depth conversation.


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## hawx20 (Jan 10, 2013)

If I could go back I would do so to change me. Change my attitude, change my way of thinking, change how I dealt with her.

Dday rocked my world on so many levels. It changed the idea of what I thought was being a good husband. "You're not in Kansas anymore" is the way i felt after dday.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

love=pain said:


> Would you want to go back before dday, before they started cheating and change things in hope that they wouldn't cheat?
> 
> Or would you rather know who and what they are today and every day forward, regardless of the pain they have caused.
> 
> Better to live in the true reality of your life than in some fantasy that they love you and are faithful.


I would never go back. To "change things" presumes that there was something I could have done to stop him, thus making it somehow "my fault" that he cheated, or maybe I contributed to the atmosphere that allowed him to consider cheating as an option. There is nothing in the past that I would want to change - about me. And since my now EX has never felt remorse, he would be incapable of the thought of going back and changing himself.

I have a wonderful son from the marriage, and therefor I can't entertain any regrets. I can move forward and be happy with my new single life with the support of family and friends. The reality - today - is a great place for me to be.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

For me, I'd rewind 

After the 2nd betrayal was uncovered

I gave her one free card after the first 
"it could be a mistake" 
"these things can get to a point etc etc " 
"She's BPD so maybe she can now use this to get herself sorted"
Ect etc 

The moment the 2nd one happened I knew 

*I JUST FKING KNEW I should be getting rid .....*

But Oh so stupidly I persisted chasing a long lost dream of how it used to be, that she surely could not be somebody now very very different from that wonderul girl I fell in love with

I'd like to go right back rewind to that moment where I was thinking "once! ....mmm maybe" "but now twice ................give me the fking keys and pick your stuff up in the morning"

I teetered on saying it, was absolutely thinking it as I held her close feeling somehow relieved we were still 'together' and carried on for another 7 years of cheating deceiving lying treachery and more betrayal 

Sheeesh what I absolute cretinous fking idiot I was to attempt a reconciliation after that (Makes me lose my fuse right now thinking about it - the wasted years ) 

O yeah, believe it

I'd rewind alright.

Uuuuuuuurgh !


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I absolutely would go back and change it....positively yes...I would undo what I have done.


We would hope (I know that is a pipe dream at best) that all WS would be as driven by this thought as you are, but alas that is not the truth and reality, and why this was asked of the BS (not to discredit the WS thoughts on the issue.

For some of the WS that were in abusive situations that might have been a factor in their decisions to cheat, I would hope that they would think about this as going back to prior to getting into their abusive relationship stage and not dwell on the cheating stage that cam about later, as they may have had a part in leaving the abuse rather than result to cheating.

Like I stated before I don't know about the rewind, because of my kids and the fact that I think I never really knew my WW and if I were to rewind, they probably wouldn't be here today (and they are currently the only joy in my life so I treasure them dearly, whether I truly show them that or they realize it). I think my entire M has been a sham, and I wouldn't want the spouse I had prior to the A's as I know she was not truthful and happy at that point either so the swayback machine would have to go WAY back!


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

If we didn't have kids together, it would have been easier to say that I would have never gotten on that bus. (I moved across the Province to be with him). I've thought about it a lot and to do so would mean that I don't have our two boys and that's an alternate reality that I wouldn't want.

I also think that no matter what I did or didn't do, in the past he would have cheated. His cheating woke him up to his low self-esteem issues and immaturity. Being kicked out and sparsely seeing our kids, seeing me move on and being pursued by other men, seeing our oldest in shambles, seeing the pain in my eyes and my unconditional non-acceptance for his behaviour woke him up a lot. I don't think that he would have realized or taken to heart how selfish and destructive his other behaviours or thought processes had been had he not cheated and dealt with the consequences thereof.

In the same token, I would have still had lower expectations of him than I do now. I was codependent and enabling and would have continued to accept the unbalance in our relationship as par for the course. It was a wake up call for both of us. Only time will tell if it was worth the price.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

Yes


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

.

Yes I would rewind. . . 
and marry someone else. . .



love=pain said:


> Would you rather know what you know now about who they really are or go back to those salad days and have no idea?


I would rather know what I know now.


> As a side thought do you think if the chance to rewind was there would they still cheat? Not after the D-days and the remorse and having a chance to go back and not cheat but reliving it all over again, moving the calendar back with no idea of the future would they cheat again? If the circumstances stayed the same would their choice be different?


Their choice would be the same. Why would it be different? With cheaters, it's always an accident waiting to happen. Unless someone puts a seatbelt on them to prevent it, such as a WS does after D-day. And often even the seatbelt fails.


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## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Nope. I know I wasn't perfect...far from it. But I want someone who will communicate with me to work on things or end it with dignity. If you cheat, you are trash to me.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

No I have thought about this a great deal. All the pain and twists with my wife have resulted in some great memories that I would not trade. You have to take the bad with the good

A daughter and son that mean the world to me and two wonderful grandkids that own my heart.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

"I spend so much time
Believing all the lies
To keep the dream alive
Now it makes me sad
It makes me mad at truth
For loving what was you

Now I close my eyes
And I wonder why
I don't despise
Now all I can do
Is love what was once
So alive and new
But it's gone from your eyes
I'd better realise"

Billy Idol: 'eyes without a face'


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

No. When things end, they pave the way for new things to begin. Sometimes life makes the decision for you, that you should have made yourself.

The only thing I would like is to not be getting older. This is what makes it difficult to start over as time goes on, not the fact of having to go through things again.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

There was a critical moment early in our relationship where she felt I was not that interested in her (and I honestly wasn't) when she asked "are you my boyfriend, yes or no?" I wish soooo bad I would have said NO! 

The only flip side to that is that I wouldn't have my kids. It's hard.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

yes!


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## ClairesDad (Aug 27, 2013)

My wife pretty much lied to me our entire relationship. There are things about her that I'm going to miss, sure, but if I could rewind to before I met her, I would. I guess I would never have broken up with my old girlfriend, who was a wonderful person. I stupidly broke up with her and now she's married. I learned a valuable lesson through all this: I will not allow myself to be sh!t on again.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

ClairesDad said:


> My wife pretty much lied to me our entire relationship. There are things about her that I'm going to miss, sure, but if I could rewind to before I met her, I would. I guess I would never have broken up with my old girlfriend, who was a wonderful person. I stupidly broke up with her and now she's married. I learned a valuable lesson through all this: I will not allow myself to be sh!t on again.


You hit the nail on the head.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My world started to unravel after 9-11...

fall out, this many years later...

-sammy


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