# Now, I found out why husband has a low sex drive!!!



## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

He is addicted to porn. No news flash here since I have read so many other posters posting about this. I had no idea. So he is choosing to have sex with an online porn star OVER having sex with his ever ready and high sex drive wife, who would do pretty much anything he is watching on there. Plus, the comment last fall about him being able to "go [email protected] anyone he wanted and I would never know..." and basically being treated like I disgust him since the day of the wedding.... all adds up to crap. This is no marriage. Since he is so wrapped up in doing everything that he wants in his way... Im going to do the same. I have never lived for myself... Im a people pleaser and accomodater by nature. Im going to get my nails done, buy some new clothes, take care of my skin with stuff other than Cetaphil (drugstore stuff). For the first time since I was single16 years ago, Im going to take care of me and not feel guilty about it. At least I hope I dont feel guilty about it, bc its something I need to do.

He just proved me right, he doesnt have a low sex drive, he has a low sex drive for me... In this case, I dont like being right. At least my questions are no longer unanswered... I know why now.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

toolate said:


> I have never lived for myself... Im a people pleaser and accomodater by nature. Im going to get my nails done, buy some new clothes, take care of my skin with stuff other than Cetaphil (drugstore stuff). For the first time since I was single16 years ago, Im going to take care of me and not feel guilty about it. At least I hope I dont feel guilty about it, bc its something I need to do.


 I am so sorry! I know I will get chewed out for saying this but I would probably do the same, I know I would feel the same. You have been struggling with this for as long as I can remember being on here. It seems you have tried everything you can possibly try - to move this man, to make him see, make him feel , make him care. To no avail. 

How did you catch him - does he KNOW he is caught?


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

Yes, does he know he is caught? Did you confront him? How did it go?

toolate, I honestly do know how you feel. Why? Because I've had a sexless marriage for 18 months, and 9 months ago I walked in on my husband as he was watching porn on his laptop. Turned out he was addicted, and downloaded 7 or 8 videos daily. I was beyond crushed. 

I went to therapy and was prescribed antidepressants just to be able to live. After months in therapy, I realized there was no excuse for what he did, but there may have been a reason in his head. That reason was that he suffered from performance anxiety with me, and was scared to death of not getting it up or maintaining an erection, so he turned to porn to release himself without having to worry about performance. Sick, I know, but thank god it's in the past now. 

I don't know why your husband chooses porn over you, but I'm suggesting that he may have hang ups about his own performance. Maybe he's embarrassed. I'm not trying to make excuses for him ... I am 100% against his behavior. All I'm saying is that it's not "you". Don't feel that he doesn't find you attractive or sexy, so he chooses to service himself to a porn [email protected] on a screen instead. I don't think it's like that. I think he does it because he's got less to worry about when he's on his own.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

I'm sorry toolate. I cannot fathom why a man would prefer porn to his own flesh and blood wife. I've always viewed porn/strippers/etc something like going to an all you can eat buffet but only being told you can look and smell at the food but not actually taste it.

I haven't read any of your other posts yet, what kind of porn is he watching? Does he have some quiet unresolved fetish that he's not honest with you about (or you are unable/unwilling to fulfill)?


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

So sorry! I know this mis-match is something you've contended with for a long time. 

I don't think porn is always bad (I use it very regularly out of necessity) but I think once porn is interfering with your sex life it's a BIG problem and clearly this is a problem. You're going crazy because of the lack of sex and intimacy and he's getting himself off looking at porn instead of being with you? It's so crazy to me, I don't get it. I can imagine how you feel right now would be like if I found out my wife was getting herself off everyday while I'm sitting here going crazy from lack of sex. 

You sound angry and you should be. You need to do some things for yourself but you need to go a step further with him. I mean do you really want this to be your life, can you continue being happy with this situation knowing what you now know about the porn? It sounds to me like it might be time for an ultimatum. Tell him the porn is interfering greatly with your marriage and it has to stop immediately. Tell him he's going to have a choice but it will be his to make. The porn or you his wife, period. Tell him he can get counseling or whatever he needs but it stops immediately. Tell him that you are his wife and that he has no business taking care of his sexual needs elsewhere while this lack of sex is a problem you've been dealing with for so long. 

Ugh, feel back for ya. Maybe there is a bright spot where now if this is really the root of the issue you might have a chance to deal with it if you want to... and if cares enough about you and the marriage to man up.


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## gerrypony (Apr 14, 2010)

I agree that you should give him an ultimatum, making it clear there's no place for porn in your marriage, considering the lack of sex between you two. Also propose that he gets therapy, as porn can do a lot of damage (quoting our marriage therapist). Without therapy, he might go back to it even if he promises he never will.


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