# Friends of the opposite sex



## uxorious (Nov 25, 2014)

It's a complicated story, but my wife and kids live abroad. We're happily married and I commute back and forth in order to visit them.

I'm different from most guys in that I don't care about sports, pick up trucks, etc. so I really feel more comfortable hanging out with women. I used to hang out at a lesbian bar (until it closed down) because I could hang out with women and not have any sexual tension.

Recently, I've become friends with a straight girl, about 25 years younger and we have a lot in common. I'm not interested in her sexually, just as a friend. Is it ok to hang out some together or would this jepordize my marriage


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## JC113 (Nov 25, 2014)

my thoughts are that you are on this forum and so you likely know the answer. It will likely cause tension in the marriage. I'd be open and honest about everything with your wife and if there are any issues at all, then for the sake of the marriage I would refrain from this new friendship. You are vested in your marriage and family, not a new young girl.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

You already know the answer to this question, so why are you asking?

Q. Why don't you simply ask your wife how she would feel about it?

A. Because you don't want her to know about it.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Normally I’m an advocate of opposite sex friends (OSFs) with the appropriate boundaries. One of the most important is that you wife knows and monitors the relationship. Another essential boundary is that the friendship does not trump time with the wife and family. Since you are living separated from your wife and family these two boundaries are violated and opens the real possibility that you and your OSF grow too close while your wife knows little about it. For your situation I would advise that you avoid OSFs.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

uxorious said:


> It's a complicated story, but my wife and kids live abroad. We're happily married and I commute back and forth in order to visit them.
> 
> I'm different from most guys in that I don't care about sports, pick up trucks, etc. so I really feel more comfortable hanging out with women. I used to hang out at a lesbian bar (until it closed down) because I could hang out with women and not have any sexual tension.
> 
> Recently, I've become friends with a straight girl, about 25 years younger and we have a lot in common. I'm not interested in her sexually, just as a friend. Is it ok to hang out some together or would this jepordize my marriage


I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that you're lying to yourself that there's absolutely no sexual attraction to this other woman.

There's nothing wrong with being attracted to someone who isn't your partner. We don't choose who we're attracted to. Sexual attraction is quite literally a chemical reaction in the brain which we don't control. Your wife is also attracted to other men by the way, and she too has no choice in the matter.

What we do have a choice over however, is what we do about it. Lying to ourselves that there's no attraction so that we can continue to spend time with someone in an inappropriate relationship is not a very good choice. Recognizing that a married man hanging out with another woman 25 years his junior is inappropriate, and opting to limit the relationship to group encounters and wider social events would be a better choice.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Recently, I've become friends with a straight girl, about 25 years younger and we have a lot in common. I'm not interested in her sexually, just as a friend. Is it ok to hang out some together or would this jepordize my marriage


You would have a VERY difficult time convincing your wife that 1) you have a lot in common with a woman who is 25 years younger than you, 2) that you aren't attracted to her or interested in her sexually, and 3) that it's ok to hang out with her.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

This is a question only your wife can answer. It's not our marriage and we don't know the boundrys


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You'd have to ask your wife her opinion, and what if any conditions she'd place on you if she were okay with it.

My wife is very okay with me having opposite sex friends, and vice versa. A few weeks ago she even - on her own initiative - invited a former FWB (now mutual friend) of mine over for lunch.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

norajane said:


> You would have a VERY difficult time convincing your wife that 1) you have a lot in common with a woman who is 25 years younger than you, 2) that you aren't attracted to her or interested in her sexually, and 3) that it's ok to hang out with her.


I was thinking the same thing. How much could you have in common with someone 25 years younger than you? 

And just because you don't like sports or pick up trucks doesn't mean you don't find other women attractive (unless you left out a huge chunk of information about your sexuality). So, someone 25 years younger - you'd have a hard time convincing your wife you're not attracted to someone that much younger.

You don't live with your wife, so I am assuming sex is non existent. That only leaves the door wide open for sexual attraction to an OSF. 

You know it's wrong.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP:

unless yours is an open marriage, or a marriage you don't care much about, then no need to ask your wife. it might or might not lead to cheating but IMO is showing her disrespect in any case.
would you want her becoming close friends with another man? if you wouldn't mind then see my qualifiers in my first sentence...one of those would apply I think...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I can't believe that a woman who is 25 years your junior is interested in spending the bulk of her free time with you, unless

1) you guys are in a place like Russia and you're the only sober westerner around and she's looking at you as you are her ticket out

or

2) she has no sexual attraction to you but you do make a nice free meal and entertainment ticket. to test that one, start insisting on going Dutch and see how often she finds time to hang out with you.

I'm always amused at the way you old geezers think you've struck gold or something by dating a much younger woman.


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## Janis (Nov 21, 2014)

I'm in tune with everyone else, ask her. 

I personally have no issue with the person I am with having female friends. However, there are some women that throw complete fits over their man having female friends. It is all about what your wife considers ok. But DO ask her if you feel like it will be an issue. 

Even though you are long distance, things have an interesting way of making it's way back. Don't let her find out through some other method and think you are sneaking and hiding.


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## Methuselah (Nov 24, 2014)

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm always amused at the way you old geezers think you've struck gold or something by dating a much younger woman.


Hey! I resemble that remark!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Methuselah said:


> Hey! I resemble that remark!


then tell us your story....


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Methuselah said:


> Hey! I resemble that remark!


Me too. I had a two year long FWB with a 27 years younger woman I met through a friend. She pursued me. She wasn't looking for a green card (she's a citizen), or a meal ticket (she's got a good job). She just likes older men. We liked each other, had some things in common, knew we weren't suited to a romantic relationship, but the sexual chemistry was amazing. We've remained friends even after she met someone with whom she's now in a romantic relationship. He's younger than me - but not by much!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

uxorious said:


> It's a complicated story, but my wife and kids live abroad. We're happily married and I commute back and forth in order to visit them.
> 
> I'm different from most guys in that I don't care about sports, pick up trucks, etc. so I really feel more comfortable hanging out with women. I used to hang out at a lesbian bar (until it closed down) because I could hang out with women and not have any sexual tension.
> 
> Recently, I've become friends with a straight girl, about 25 years younger and we have a lot in common. I'm not interested in her sexually, just as a friend. Is it ok to hang out some together or would this jepordize my marriage


Of course it isn't OK.

Suggestion- tell your wife you're making time for other women and tell her she is free to see other guys. See you in divorce court.


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