# Making nasty comments



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

So, we're 6 days after D-Day.

One of the things he asked me when I first found out was "Why aren't you angry?"

My feelings at the time were total shock. Outwardly I was very calm. The only emotional response I gave was that I just couldn't stop crying.

But now the anger is starting to come out and it's manifesting as nasty snide remarks. I try not to do it very often, but I can't seem to stop myself.

Given that he is agreeing to do everything I am asking, how can I stop myself from giving in to my anger and making him wonder if he really wants to R with this bitter b!tchy woman?


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Can you simply tell him that you will have to process through a lot of anger? It is a natural response and frankly, he's just going to have to deal with it as a consequence of his actions. It is part of the healing process.

He isn't in control of the R. You set the terms. You aren't the one who cheated. If he wants to R then he is going to have to stick with it and understand it is part of the healing process. If he can't live with that then maybe R isn't the right thing to do after all.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

This is all natural and all part of the 'grieving' process.
Are you And H trying to reconcile?
Do lots of reading. 
After the Affair and Not Just Friends are both very good books and will help you both.
Sorry i don't know your story but know what you are feeling is completely natural.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I haven't decided whether I want to R or not. My immediate reaction was a D.

That lasted about two days until I couldn't bear the pain of losing my soulmate on top of the pain of his betrayal. So I began to consider R, something I thought I would NEVER do under these circumstances.

But I'm still only considering it. I love him, but love isn't always enough.

He's already getting defensive because one minute he was questioning whether he had enough money for counselling, and the next he blithely tells me he's considering buying a new X-box. Hello! Isn't our marriage more important? 

That made me very angry, that he can consider spending money on a new toy rather than putting it onto counselling to save our marriage.

So I got angry, and he got defensive.

But we did both manage to calm down and I managed to get him to understand WHY I was angry. Then I apologised for getting angry 

I'm not doing very well with this.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Robsia said:


> I haven't decided whether I want to R or not. My immediate reaction was a D.
> 
> That lasted about two days until I couldn't bear the pain of losing my soulmate on top of the pain of his betrayal. So I began to consider R, something I thought I would NEVER do under these circumstances.
> 
> ...


Just take your time. No need to make any absolute decisions yet. 
You really need to be sure first that the A is truly over. I don't want to make you any more anxious than you already are but it's not uncommon for there to be at least one more Dday.
You need to look for the signs from him, rug sweeping, blame shifting and not accepting his responsibility for the A. HE must do all the heavy lifting now and prove to you that he is worthy of you.
You sound like me. I did a lot of apologising, it's totally irrational and only makes us look weak. So if you make one small step today, stop apologising! Unless you have been the wife from hell then you have nothing to apologise for.
Can you give me a brief run down of events so far?
But as I said, it's early days, so baby steps. He must show you in his ACTIONS not words how ready he is to move forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Just a few thoughts;

He broke his vows to you.
He disrespected you.
He put you are risk of an STD etc.
He probably stated he "Loved" Her when he was with her.
The list can keep on going.

You get angry with him and are wondering what you need to do to stop the anger?

If you have read the threads you know what you are going through is what a lot of us feel and the only way to succesfully "R" is for the Cheating Spouse to do the Heavy Lifting. to allow for you to heal, You will not "JUST GET OVER IT". Your emotions will cycle and there will be times when you cannot stand the sight of him or can even understand why you allowed him back into your life.

If he want to "R" he has to understand this. He has to show TRUE REMORSE and allow you to have these times so that you can vent and get it out. 

If you just bury it and do not deal with it together it will continue to grow like a cancer.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Daisy girl - here is my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69227-when-does-stop-hurting.html

I do believe the A is over. I had that directly from her, and she had no idea he was married.

But he did confess he had seen two others since her. He swears they were only dates and no sex, but who knows.

He works away quite frequently so all he had to tell me was that he had yet another overnight and - bam - quickie sex.

Aside from that one conversation about the X-box, he is making all the right noises.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He may have stopped having sex with others, and from your posts it's just a may have stopped as it does not sound like a sure thing.

but, he hasn't returned to being a loving, respectful, faithful husband who values your marriage.

He lacks remorse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Robsia said:


> But he did confess he had seen two others since her. He swears they were only dates and no sex, but who knows.


You will now become familiar with the concept of trickle truth. It sucks the life right out of any chance of reconciliation, regardless of how much "hard work" one may do to make up for their affair.

By the way, if he truly wants to reconcile, he'll understand that the "bitter, b!tchy woman" is his wife, and she has every damn right in the world to be pissed off.

You can't really control anger at your early stage of the process, so try not to. You will make ugly and mean statements. You will lash out with harsh words.

He needs to deal with it.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I've been having trickle truth since November. First it was only texts - she was just a friend. Then it was meals, but no sex - honest!

I had to find out the whole truth from her! He only admitted it when I had her email in my hand and made him read it.

I am not entirely convinced he's telling the truth about the others. There was an incident at the end of January, which I only remembered about because I was checking the notes I'd made on my iphone, and it was just something that raised suspicion so I jotted it down.

I'm going to check that with him and see what he says. I don't know what I'll do if he confesses to another one. 

Aside from that, he does seem to be showing genuine remorse. I found that bit on the Newbies thread about whether the spouse is showing genuine remorse or rug-sweeping, and he is ticking all the right boxes, so far.

But it's early days, which is why I'm not making any decisions just yet. Time will tell if he can keep it up.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sad how they say "You know everything now" after they tell you something else.

Until they tell you another something else.


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## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

It's not easy. I found out about my WS's affair after we were married, I went through the same thing. I STILL DO! My secret is...I still say those snarky comments, just in my head...because I got tired of hearing her tell me how insensitive I was...anyway.

Now I just say them in my head, and she'll see my face change and ask what's up....and I'Ll reply with some of the following;
Just thinking about an XXXL grilled stuft burrito from taco bell, OR; I'm thinking about this one time I saw a double rainbow, OR; I had a pair of (make up some sort of shoe) laying around, have you seen them?

I don't think she's caught on yet, but it's really fun for me to see what I can come up with. 

good luck and stay strong. Most importantly, if at any point you dont want to or cant forgive him...get away from him temporarily or permanently...I chose a job that will have me home about 30-45 days a year because I got reaally tired of her "you're so lucky to have me" and "I love you more" after she cheated.....yeah, I'm lucky you like to have sex with other people....I mean; I think the upstairs bathroom needs a new roll of toilet paper...see...it can be fun
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Biscuits said:


> Now I just say them in my head, and she'll see my face change and ask what's up....and I'Ll reply with some of the following;
> Just thinking about an XXXL grilled stuft burrito from taco bell, OR;* I'm thinking about this one time I saw a double rainbow*, OR; I had a pair of (make up some sort of shoe) laying around, have you seen them?
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For levity I could not resist

Double Rainbow


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Robsia said:


> Daisy girl - here is my story http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/69227-when-does-stop-hurting.html
> 
> I do believe the A is over. I had that directly from her, and she had no idea he was married.
> 
> ...


He's a serial cheater, the chances he will change are slim and none. Haven't seen but one or two serial cheaters make it here out of thousands.

Sorry


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## Ever-Man (Jan 25, 2013)

He deserves your anger and if he is truly committed to reconciliation he will tolerate it and understand he CAUSED it. you just found out, if you don't let the anger in, it will eat at you until it finds its way in, so best to have a bit of control over it and let it manifest, it will help you heal.


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

Tell him that you are saving up to get a polygraph test for him and watch his reaction...


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

[edited title of thread] please refrain from implied expletives in thread titles / posts.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

It wasn't implied - it was typed. I didn't realise you consider such a mild word to be a problem.

You've now altered the entire meaning of the title. Please could you change it to 'nasty' as otherwise people won;t know what it's about.

Thank you.


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## Chris H. (Jan 27, 2007)

Robsia said:


> Please could you change it to 'nasty' as otherwise people won;t know what it's about.


Thanks, a much better choice of words imo 

We try to maintain a friendly, supportive community here, and I think it reflects poorly to new visitors when we have a lot of threads with expletives in the titles. Not a big deal though, carry on...


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

Thank you.


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

You have been traumatized. The immediate shock shut your mouth. You are going through the stages of grief, usually applied to death of a loved one. But you can read it anyway and recognize your experience as a parallel. You can share it with him so he can understand what you are going through. Spewing out is normal and your right to express yourself. You did not do this to yourself. He has forced you to experience this. On top of everything else you are dealing with, you don't need to add to the burden by feeling guilty about your reactions.

1. SHOCK & DENIAL-
You will probably react to learning of the loss with numbed disbelief. You may deny the reality of the loss at some level, in order to avoid the pain. Shock provides emotional protection from being overwhelmed all at once. This may last for weeks.

2. PAIN & GUILT-
As the shock wears off, it is replaced with the suffering of unbelievable pain. Although excruciating and almost unbearable, it is important that you experience the pain fully, and not hide it, avoid it or escape from it with alcohol or drugs. 

You may have guilty feelings or remorse over things you did or didn't do with your loved one. Life feels chaotic and scary during this phase.

3. ANGER & BARGAINING-
Frustration gives way to anger, and you may lash out and lay unwarranted blame for the death on someone else. Please try to control this, as permanent damage to your relationships may result. This is a time for the release of bottled up emotion. 

You may rail against fate, questioning "Why me?" You may also try to bargain in vain with the powers that be for a way out of your despair ("I will never drink again if you just bring him back")

4. "DEPRESSION", REFLECTION, LONELINESS-
Just when your friends may think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is a normal stage of grief, so do not be "talked out of it" by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful to you during this stage of grieving.

During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss, and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one, and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness or despair. 

5. THE UPWARD TURN-
As you start to adjust to life without your dear one, your life becomes a little calmer and more organized. Your physical symptoms lessen, and your "depression" begins to lift slightly.

6. RECONSTRUCTION & WORKING THROUGH-
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again, and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to problems posed by life without your loved one. You will start to work on practical and financial problems and reconstructing yourself and your life without him or her.

7. ACCEPTANCE & HOPE-
During this, the last of the seven stages in this grief model, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not necessarily mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. But you will find a way forward. 
By: Recover-From-Grief.com


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Suggestion Robsia you should keep everything to one thread for yourself. Otherwise what happens is someone answers one thread but not knowing you had another issues because you posted it in another thread. So it conflicts with something else that is unknown.

Also it lets you see what your mind set is as time goes by. 

It has helped me and shows me how nuts I can get at times. It really is like wow I was crazy back then. Not that I am sane now, but I was nuts 2 months ago.


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Robsia said:


> So, we're 6 days after D-Day.
> 
> One of the things he asked me when I first found out was "Why aren't you angry?"
> 
> ...


Give into your anger and work through it. you can't hold that stuff back. you feel the way you feel. and he better be ready to face the consequences of his actions. Yes you will likely treat him like crap. Your anger is a reaction to him. So for your sake don't hold it all in and explode one day. if you feel angry and feel like calling him a _________________ (insert your line of cuss and insults here) guess what do it. You can't stay angry forever but you can be a powder keg. So be mean and spiteful. Eventually you will get over this but not if you hold everything in.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I second the suggestion to keep things in one thread.

You need to raise the bar here. Your husband has YEARS of work ahead to prove he deserves you, and he isn't getting off to a very good start.

I made some suggestions in one of your other threads, one of which was to do the 180, which you balked at, but I really think you need to reconsider. This trickle truth will spell the death of things, and your husband needs to know this in NO uncertain terms.

Why are you so worried about what he thinks anyway? HE should be worried about what YOU think!!!! He also deserves to see your anger. HE caused it, why should only YOU have to deal with it?? 

GET MAD. AT HIM. There's no reason on earth you shouldn't. I'm not saying pop him off or something, but yell at him. Call him a few names. Tell him what you really think. Give yourself permission.

Of course, you cannot continue to do so. At some point you will have to settle down. I don't think you'll have a problem doing that when the time comes. but now isn't the time.


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## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

I balked at the 180 mainly because I tried something similar once before, but I didn't know what it was called. We were having some problems so I deliberately made an effort to cut back, make him think he was losing me, make him want me and try harder to get me.

Guess what? It backfired.

THAT was why he had the affair, because he felt I didn't care about him any more. I don't want him now thinking, "See, I was right, she DOESN'T care."

I have printed it off though and am reading it carefully. I have tried to start implementing it, but it's difficult.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Robsia said:


> THAT was why he had the affair, because he felt I didn't care about him any more.


Bullpucky. Pure and utter drivel. He had the affair because he's a selfish lying cheater. Not because you started having a life.

The 180 is not to make them think you're leaving them. It's to show them that you would be perfectly happy without them. Not in an 'in your face' way, just by example. By showing them what you are capable of - having a life, flourishing without them, having fun without them.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Robsia said:


> But now the anger is starting to come out and it's manifesting as nasty snide remarks. I try not to do it very often, but I can't seem to stop myself.


My stbx has always made nasty, snide remarks. 

It would be very hard for me to know if she's angry or not.

There is the possibility that she's just an angry person.


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