# One year gone by, still dealing with this...



## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

I have posted up a few times on these forums, started a year ago when I found out my wife was ready to leave me, then found out she was still in love with an ex boyfriend, then found out she actually went to see him (no sex, but an EA), then hid it from me, and lied about what did happen. 

When this happened, April/May of 2011 were the worst of my life. It wasn't just the fact of finding out about her going to see someone else, but seeing my "perfect marriage" crashing down around me, that my wife had been unhappy for several years, and it brought out a lot of unresolved issues from my time in Iraq during a deployment, things I thought I had dealt with, that manifested themselves as very specific dreams, that would wake me up in a fit of fear and anxiety. 

My wife says that I acted differently when I got back from Iraq, that I treated her like "one of your soldiers" and was very passive aggressive with my anger. For some women that probably wouldn't be a big deal, but she has dealt with depression/anxiety issues herself, her first serious relationship was with a very abusive man, so it was very hard for her to try and communicate to me just exactly what was going on with her.

Only recently have I been able to start to really pick apart what I'm dealing with, especially the idea that there are two separate issues, that being depression AND anxiety. I spent most of the last year just lumping everything together but now I see more about how they are indeed separate issues, and how they affect one another and what affect that has on me. 

We went to marriage counseling, I am seeing a personal counselor and am getting medication (Celexa for depression, beta blockers as needed if the anxiety gets too high), and the VA has a program they are going to get me into for possible PTSD indicators. 

My wife and I are working things out, but it is taking time. She still has difficulty communicating with me and I still have a lot of trouble trusting her. It has gotten a lot better through counseling and I've read a lot of the material here on this forum and have even picked up books recommended here. 

I guess my reason for the post really can't maybe be answered... I would love to know when this gets better, when does a person start getting past all the anxiety and the depression, and start living life again... but I also know that everyone is different. What are some of the coping mechanisms that you have all used to get through, both those with your spouse and those on your own?

Also, this last year is the first time I've ever dealt with long term anxiety/depression, so I don't have a lot of experience dealing/coping with it.


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## headingthere (Mar 31, 2012)

I've been hoping someone would post a reply for you because your situation sounds difficult and there are many insightful and helpful people on this site! I have not gone through the experience you are describing, so I can't offer much. But it does sound as though you are doing all of the right things - counseling, medications, reading. If you are both committed to the relationship (and it sounds as though you are), the counseling can really be effective. I do hope someone else chimes in here. Good luck!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry man, I have the same questions and I also just wanted to let you know someones reading your thread.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

It's okay, I'm kind of using this forum a bit as a journal, and it seems to be helping to get some of these things off of my chest. I wonder sometimes if I'm not getting the right type of counseling, or if my medication isn't the best thing for me. Adding to my issues are that my career hasn't panned out like I thought, and I may be out of a job in August. I pray that doesn't happen, it has not made things any easier and I find myself wondering if it is my marriage that is causing me more stress, or my job situation. I don't expect life to be easy, but I know I can't go through life like this either.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

At what point does event based depression/anxiety become something else? I am trying to decide at this point if this is just based on what happened a year ago, or if this is in reality an actual permanent issue that I will have to deal with for the rest of my life


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## zim (Apr 19, 2012)

You're doing good talking about it don't shut down and I think that all you can do is just keep moving forward and trying to move on with your life and leave what's broken and is not salvageable behind. I struggle with depression and anxiety as well. I try to not let myself get bored because when I get bored I start thinking too much. I just try to keep going on but yes, it can really be a struggle sometimes.


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