# How do I do a 180 to try to get her back?



## vwzach182 (Mar 19, 2013)

My fiance told me she no longer loves me and wants to break up. Nothing that I have done has helped. I spent the better part of the last 3 weeks basically just begging her to change her mind and doing everything around the house and it has only pushed us further apart. We own a home, have a beautiful 1 year old daughter and are still living together with no immediate plans for anyone to leave. We are sleeping in separate rooms. She just finished up setting up the spare bedroom as her own. 
If I don't bring anything up about us or push her on the subject we get along great. She even makes dinner for us fairly often still and sits in the living room watching tv with me in the evenings before she goes off to her bedroom. On nights that she works waitressing she will still come down to the living room and spend a while talking and joking with me and telling me about her day.
Every ounce of my soul wants so badly to start telling her how much I love her and how I want her back and it takes a lot of willpower to hold it back. I know that it will continue to make things so much worse if I do so I keep it in as best I can. I just finally got over being unbearably sad and feel that I can now manage to get a hold of my emotions effectively enough to maybe make a positive change in the situation. If it is only for my own good than so be it.

So my question is, how do I do a real 180 with how I interact with her? What does it really mean exactly? Exactly how should I present myself? Is there anything that I absolutely NEED to do or absolutely should NOT do? Can it have a positive bearing on our relationship or am I missing the point entirely? I honestly can't imagine that it will hurt whatever chance I may have left any more than the constant trying did.

If interested you can read my original post here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-...e-wants-separate-need-advice.html#post1544272


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

This is in direct response to the title of the thread.

You do the 180 for you.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

I hate seeing posts like yours my friend.

mainly as i was in that same place for so long.

Nothing you do now should be about winning her back.

Begging, pleading, explaining, gestures and anything else like that you can think off should go out your mind. Movies like to tell us that [email protected] works. Read some threads here and you soon see it is bull. I didn't believe it till I tried and failed but I don't think in my time at TAM, I have seen anyone successfully "beg" their spouse or SO to come back.

The 180 is for you, it is not for her. Seems it can someties have the effect f reigniting interest in you but, really it is to allow you to get on with life without her.

If it wasnt for you having a kid it would be easy.. show her the door. Such a young kid does bear extra consideration but right now, what has actually changed for her? She lives eats and sleeps in the same place. It really is no big deal for her to have the spare room.

She wants it? Best bet is to make it real for her. Please take it from someone that has consistently refused that exact same advice.


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## vwzach182 (Mar 19, 2013)

Thank you for your honest advice guys. K.C., I actually read a lot of your story last week and I hope that you are doing well. I figured as much about the 180 thing but I was also hoping it might be beneficial in several ways. 
The tricky thing about showing her the door (aside from our daughter) is that our home is the home that she grew up in. She has lived here for the better part of 40 years. At this point I can not imagine a future where I could willingly move out and only see my daughter a couple of days a week. I have pictured a potential situation where I could completely get over my ex and live in this home as friends/room mates. Although I don't like to think of it much right now.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

A lot of my posts should be taken as how not to do, well, anything! 

I'm good thanks. Solid progress last couple of days i think.

My opinion only, you will never live together as only friends. It will either be as more or the tension and atmosphere will drive you nuts. If my situation was anything to go by, it will certainly be the latter.

If you're to detach and do 180, you need space and freedom from her. That absolutely isn't space and freedom from D. That would destroy me utterly.

How we have generally done it so far (though it is way rough atm) is I rent a room 15 minute walk away. I get up in the morning and get round there to help see to the kids for school. Then if I am on an early enough shift I go round and see them each day till bed time then I leave.

I know that is an unusual situation compared to most but until the last few days things had been very amicable. As soon as I started actually trying to move on and live for me, she got p1ssed but that's another matter! 

It works great for me seeing my boys. I have seen pretty much as much of them as before we split so i get them and they get a lessened impact to their life. it might sound great but it makes it damn hard to detach when you see so much of them. plus now things are strained and she is playing games (IMO that is) which complicates it further.

Honestly i did the whole live in thing for a couple months. Would not recommend it to anyone. It's tough on you and if you want to think of the 180 as a way to win them back.. being there so much means they don't miss you at all and probably notice less. I may not be the devil but Mrs.C sure seems to think so!

I don't know how you completely get over someone myself. I am detaching myself in that I don't "need" Mrs.C so much now but the emotion is definitely still there, I still love her. I think I would be doing better personally if there had been much less contact between us.


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## Voltaire (Feb 5, 2013)

If you want to know about the 180 then go back to the original source and read "The Divorce Remedy" by Michele Weiner Davis. 

The 180 is not, as some will tell you, a set formula of things to do. It is about doing the opposite of what you have been doing up until now - because that clearly hasn't been working for you. Many will tell you its about distancing yourself - but if you have already been very distant and that hasn't worked then that might not been appropriate. Read the book.

But it is about working on you. You need to hope for the best but prepared for the worst. And making yourself the best you can be you might just attract her again. But don't count on it and don't make that the reason that you are doing this. That is needy behavior and she will pick up on it.


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