# Living with In-Laws



## PixelatedDream

Hi I'm new to the forums and I wanted to talk about an issue i'm having now. My husband and I have been married for a little over 3 years now and from day 1 we've lived with his parents (except for a 3 month period where we lived with MY parents), with not even so much as our own vehicle. Now don't get me wrong i wouldn't call my in-laws "The in-laws from hell" by any means. (which makes me feel guilty for how I feel) They've been for all purposes, amazing. They don't pressure us at all, have never asked for anything in return for all they do for us, and encourage the both of us anyway they can. I think the problem i'm having is that they do have annoying quirks and stupid little things that shouldn't bother me does. My husband and I have only left this house by ourselves 1 time in our 3 years of marriage. Any other time since we've had to get someone to take us (Either his parents or a friend). We have two tiny bedrooms to ourselves, one can only hold our bed and a small dresser, the other (which is the same size) we have a loveseat, two computers, two computer desks and a TV in and you have to squeeze past things to move around in here....
My father-in-law is wonderful and completely annoying at the same time, he laughs about everything, i can be walking to the kitchen to get some water and he'll laugh about it...he's just so child like which should be a good thing but annoys me to no end.
My mother-in-law is an Angel and I love her, and at the same time, she's so old fashioned and sensitive and hard to read that i want to bang my head in the wall, plus every time she's in a lot of pain (which is unfortunately frequently) She takes it out on everyone and makes little comments that she then pretends she doesn't mean anything by. She moves the dishes in the kitchen around weekly and i have to find things and dig things out when i need to cook. She won't leave anything where i put it and 7 times out of 10 when I go in the kitchen to cook, she comes to the kitchen to do something to and I end up waiting for her to get out of my way and burning something...
My husband went to a 2 year tech college and is about to graduate. I was so excited because i thought once he graduated he'd have more opportunity and get a good job and we could FINALLY start our lives. But my hopes have been crushed because their are no jobs here, for ANYONE, we can't travel very far from our town because his parent's vehicle (which we rely on) Is all we have and won't make it very far. I feel trapped and I feel like it's never going to end and i'm going to be here for ever. I find myself feeling Envious of couples whom have their own place and their own lives. At this point just going to the grocery store by ourselves when make me so happy I'd cry. My husband starts to feel bad about himself and tells me to stop making him feel worse when i try to vent about it (which is frequently because it's always bothering me and i never feel better about it). I know there is nothing we can do, I can't work for personal reasons and he's doing everything he can to find a job, but he'll only be able to find one for either minimum wage or a little over and he'd have to make well over that for us to be able to get our own place...so it's starting to sink in that i'm going to be here for probably 4-5 more years and that realization has brought on a horrible depression that i can't shake. My husband is wonderful and he tries so hard but he just doesn't understand why it makes me so upset, he says "Why can't you just enjoy being with me and having me around, when i start working I won't be around as much" Which makes me feel guilty and horrible. I do enjoy having him around. He tries to force me to bond with his mom which is difficult for me because she's quiet and her moods change so frequently that i never know why i'm going to get, i'd be content just being friendly and doing my own thing, but he wants me to do so much more and i want to make him happy but all i'm thinking is "If we didn't live with them i wouldn't have to do this..." Plus he is extremely protective of her, so if i vent about anything, not even being mean about her, If i say anything negative about her, he blows up at me. He makes me feel a lot like he want her to be more comfortable then me because she such a saint. (which most of the time she is) I just don't know what to do, i'm depressed, have no one to talk to and i feel like i'm loosing my mind here. I wish i could tell my husband everything i'm feeling, but it would just upset him so much. I don't want him to feel like less of a man. He's a wonderful man.


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## turnera

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time, but I have to tell you that your problems are ... well, YOUR problems.

You and your husband are adults. As such, you are now expected to solve your own problems. If you say you can't work for personal reasons, I'm going to have to guess that it's related to your mental state? I can't think of any other reason, and if you were debilitated you would have said so. If it's mentally related, you owe it to yourself and your husband to _get help_ for this issue, so that you CAN become able to work. If it's some other reason...well, I guess I need more info to be able to offer you advice. If you tell me why, I may be able to find a way for you to make money and work around it.

But the bottom line is you have to get a job.

If you are this distressed - and I would be, too! - it is up to YOU to solve the problem. If your husband can't find a job where you are...then you're just going to have to move to where the jobs are.

People do it every day. Thousands of people move to where I live every year, just to find work. And they use buses, bicycles, and walk to get to their jobs. They carpool. They figure it out.

What I'm trying to say is that you have to stop narrowing your scope. It is YOU TWO who are boxing yourselves into this predicament. And it will take both of you to start thinking creatively to find a way to better yourselves.


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## cridgewood

I know that it must seem like forever!....but the situation HAS to be temporary. Just try to get through each day and come to forums like this and chat rooms and vent it out in a healthy way. I, myself, moved in with my in laws this past year. I've been married for almost 8 years now and my mother in law's health isn't well so we thought we would pitch in and help her and my father in law out. It's so not easy and there are some days when I just want to run away....but I look online at houses and try to imagine what the future will hold. I also just started a blog...something so new and foreign to me, but maybe it will help and my friends loved all my crazy in law stories! Check it out if you like.....

Living with my in-laws

and GOOD LUCK!!!! (this too shall pass....)


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## Mom6547

You don't mention what you do. It sounds like you are THERE all day. That would make it harder. One thing you could do is make it a priority to get out every day. You have the whole day. So even if it was a long ways away, you could walk even without a car. Or get on Craig's list and/or your local freecycle and start looking for bikes. In my state, we have a non-profit called Good News Garage that helps people who cannot afford them get cars. Good News Garage - Car Donation Charity Your husband will need one once he gets a job.

Look in the local paper and start going to free events. Anything that interests you, from self help groups to fitness activities to arts. You may make some friends to talk to.

And for now, what the heck, how about you pound the pavement a bit too if you don't have kids. It sounds like you might not have an education. But there are jobs out there. McDonalds, gas stations, pizza joints. It will give you something to do, and outlet to meet people and some money to put away, perhaps for a car.

I know it is hard. But as a young couple with literally NO income, you are gonna have to find a way to find gratefulness in your heart for a place to live and food to eat. They don't HAVE to do those things for you.

Good luck.

S


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## Connie

My heart goes out to you living with your in laws. I stayed with my in laws for about 2 months and couldn't stand it. Even though our husband thinks the best for his mom ... she will not always be perfect but in his eyes she is ... just like our mom is perfect in our eyes. So don't worry and be yourself. Get out with your man and feel the presence of just two of you. Breath and hug. Be lucky that you have him to yourself in bed. =)


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## LUCKYLONELY

Hi
Today, I'm crying-out loud after 2 years of my marriage cuz however much I try in-laws keeps slappin-back.
I chose to post my problem here cuz this story is bit similar to my situation.

I'm bit more independent. I'm a double qualified acct. well paid recently promoted and my husband also has a fine job. But never enjoyed my career success for the fact i lived with in-laws and my husband's work place sucked. During first year of our marriage, he worked night shifts and weekends most of the time. As a newly married bride, it was a tuff time. But i loved him cuz he did everythin to make me feel gud.

My husband is the most wonderful husband on earth-all my friends wishes they had a husband like mine. He's caring loving n everythin.

But when it comes to discussions about in-laws he's an animal and I've been slapped assaulted many times when i enter into this discussion. I always trusted him n I have never told this story to even my parents.

the reason why i ended-up in in-laws place was that my father-in-law is utter irresponsible drunkard and from the time my husband was single, he was taking all home responsibilities including taking care of mom n his younger sister. other reason was that my husband worked on night shifts and he didnt want to leave me in a house alone. but since last december he's promoted-no night shift-but we're still here. though both of us r well-paid, we're financially stuck with loans on our CAR and MBAs. we pay thumpin rents, grocery bills, other bills which any other newly married couple wouldnt do.

Even though i insisted, i don't want to live them, he wanted me to understand his problem. i did, indeed. His story was true. This family loved the kitchen but only to make food. Cleaning is not a part of it. Always when I tried to cook-it was a hell.

There's dog whom my mother-in-law claims to love a lot but he hardly gets a bath or proper medication for a wound or decease. House ends-up with piles of dog-hair. my mother-in-law is very lazy to do any cleaning. All she does is show-off stuff lyk volunteering to wash my clothes, etc. She's was introduced to me as a very nice woman by my sister-in-law and by herself according to the neighborhood cuz she speaks in a very friendly nice manner which is extremely bogus, cunning and over-friendly to get her treated like a queen cuz she's extremely lazy.

Now u must be wonderin' why can't I do any cleaning. I did, indeed. I got sick many times during the firstyear of marriage trying to keep the house clean. Then I gave up cooking cleaning everythin to avoid their company and also keep myself cool (which otherwise annoys me seein all the mess)

Everytime my husband asks his mom not to mess-up the house, she makes a big bang and it ends-up a total soap opera type which wakes up the neighbors. At the begining i was very friendly with them and i was freely joking and talking with them-they stored resentment in all tiny jokes i made about their annoying behaviors. After words, i only spoke the minimum necessary and totally kept myself out of arguments. But she barks at my husband, who pays all the bills of the house, including rent and buys all household items. I wish i could slap her once.

My sister-in-law was having her jobless boyfriend around the house for 1st year all the time, which made me extremely uncomfortable. He was a very nice guy but we ended-up seein him too much in the house. My mother-in-law was involved in all my sis-in-laws relationship talks and whenever they had a relationship issue mom-in-law fought with my husband. But now she broker up and seein another guy who never stepped into the house yet (so far so good). She has a PhD in impressing and convincing ppl for whtever she thinks or does is right. When she dumped that guy and started the currant relationship, she nicely convinced her mother. She lost 3 jobs since i got to know my husband, for the very reason she tried to show to the bosses that she's very loyal and smart in finding frauds and also works day and night (transport provider for late night by default becomes my husband). It woks for office until another man comes and fools the stupid bosses in those boutique type companies she worked, but it works forever in household where she's always right in momther-in-laws mind and me n my husband are dishonest, falseful, wrongful ppl!

There's another woman, that's my husband's elder sister who's married and doesnt live with us. She's a utter mess, extremely sensitive, cant take jokes at all. whenever she fights with mom-in-law she dumps the anger on my husband.

I now stay like a guest in this house and hardly step into the kitchen. I always dreamed of a lovely small house, cooking for my husband...remained a dream! their cleanliness was one main issue i didn't want to raise a kid in that house todate.

Hence, I started my MBA. Now i get less time to spend at home. Yet a min of 4 hrs stay at home is enough for my husband and mom-in-law to fight. 

As a young couple we went through lots of chaos, yet my problem for in-laws is a just my problem. My husband thinks i didn't try to be good with them. juz like "PixelatedDream"...why should i? My husband is very good with my family-he says i should also try to be the same. I told him that if i don't live with his family-i can be the same too. By livin under same roof earn no respect or joy to either us or them!

I'm thinkin of renting a house soon to get out of this hell. Yet cultural issues, what ppl think n all that crap will come-up.

Juz criticize me or help me!


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## FirstYearDown

Lucky, as a first generation Canadian I sympathize with your cultural conflicts. It is very hard to go against what you have been taught your whole life, no matter how outdated those ideals or morals are. 

I broke away from the culture I was raised in, because most of the expectations were sexist and involved allowing my parents to control my life forever. It was difficult to face my father's disappointment since we are best friends, but I had to become an adult and own my choices. I needed my independence.

You are a married woman. Time to live for YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND. Married couples need privacy.


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## turnera

He's a wonderful man but he slaps and assaults you? How is that wonderful?

Just move out. if he wants to come with you, he will.


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