# Found out boyfriend was cheating on me for one year



## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 11 years. He's 33 and I am 34. We never fight and we get along great. He has crazy work hours and I spend most of my time by myself. Its been like that for years. I didn't talk about marriage because I was afraid that the he will use me for my money. Well, I was ready to get married at 30 and have kids. I haven't acheived both. He said that a piece of paper doesn't define how much he loves me. About two weeks ago, I had a miscarriage and stayed at my Mother's home. My Mother asked if my boyfriend loves me because he didn't attempt to visit me. He only came to visit me at the end to pick me up. When I returned home, the house was in shambles. All my towels were used, a picture that I have in the bathroom was no longer there. I had an intuition that something wasn't right. When I went to use the computer, he didn't log out of his yahoo account and that' s when I discovered naked pics of some girl he was messing around. I did more investigation and checked his bank statements, credit card bills and cellphone bill. He had been going to a sleazy motel almost every week and text messages from "her" almost every minute. Meanwhile he told me he wants us to move to LA and start a new beginning. I was in a state of shock because he wants to leave in 2 weeks. I'm not prepared because I still need time to rent out my place and need to find a place to live. I like a plan. He said he will move first and then I will follow. I agreed because I wanted a new start for us. I was trying to be strong because dealing with a loss and finding out he was cheating was too devestating for me. I finally confronted him and he told me that was just a fling and ended years ago. However, I saw that she called yesterday morning and that his bill stated that he went to that sleazy motel a month ago. So, he flat out lied to me. He also told me that she was in my home. I felt so violated. He said he wants to be with me, but last night his mind changed. He said that he stopped loving me a long time ago and stayed with me because he saw how happy I was. I was hurt. He said he still want to move to LA with him, but now he said he doesn't want me to go first with him. He said he will come back for me and needs to do his "stuff" first. I was ready to leave him because he cheated on me, but now I am heartbroken because I am seeing that I do want to be with him. I am afraid he will move to LA and forget about me. He has told all of his friends that we are both moving to LA, but I feel that might be just a cover-up so that he doesn't look bad. I am also afraid that he will move to LA with that girl he had a fling with. What should I do?! Is there any hope between us?! Or should I just move on.

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## preso (May 1, 2009)

The best thing you could do being the situation is what it is, is have him move and don't follow.
There will only be more of the same wherever you go.

DON'T GO TO LA with him... let him move and you pick up and start your life without him.
JUST MOVE ON !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Since I own my apartment and is solely under my name, I feel like my home is no longer "my home". It feels contaminated to me because "she" has been in my home. That's part of the reason why I want to move to LA. It hurts to hear it, but I do think its the best for me to stay put. Thanks for the words. Its a huge wake-up call. It will be hard.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

littleT said:


> Since I own my apartment and is solely under my name, I feel like my home is no longer "my home". It feels contaminated to me because "she" has been in my home. That's part of the reason why I want to move to LA. It hurts to hear it, but I do think its the best for me to stay put. Thanks for the words. Its a huge wake-up call. It will be hard.


First of all let me say... I'm sorry all this is happenoing to you
and he sounds like a snake, a major snake.

If I were you..... I'd tell him I'd follow him and then don't go... change your phone number after he leaves and return any snail mail he may send, don't respond to him anymore.
You may tell mutual friends you changed your mind about moving and leave it at that.
Then forensically clean your place, move the furniture around... make it yours and move ahread with life.

I believe God may be watching out for you to get this man away from you. He sounds wrechedly awful and disgusting to the point as low as any man could be.
He is not worth your love or care. All you have to do is encourage him to leave and be done with him !!!
encourage him to go ahead and leave in 2 weeks !!!
do not let him back into your life.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I fully agree with Preso. MOVE ON!! The man in your life should be there for love and support, especially after you mis-carried and caught him cheating. He does not sound remorseful or supportive at all...he seems to be only focused on himself and what he wants at the moment. 

Stay close to your mom and let him go. Let him be the other woman's problem...I know that is hard to hear, but over time you will look back and be happy you are out of that relationship.

And yes, change your apartment to make it your own again (starting with the locks)...a place you love that neither of them would recognize anymore.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Thank you Presno and Swedish! It feels so good to hear you guys in my corner. This is one of the most difficult times in my life, but I know in my heart that I will finally be happy once he is gone. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

Get mad!! He's a jerk and you deserve so much better then that... let him leave... help him pack and get him out of there so you can find someone who treats you the way you should be treated. You need to be with someone who you can trust and wants the same things out of life.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

littleT said:


> Thank you Presno and Swedish! It feels so good to hear you guys in my corner. This is one of the most difficult times in my life, but I know in my heart that I will finally be happy once he is gone. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.


To make it easier on you, don't let on to him you have no plans to follow him...
Just smile and start marking off the days on your calander !!!
and be sure to get anything valueable out of the apartment ( or house) because he may steal it !!!


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## Blonddeee (Dec 17, 2008)

:iagree:
That's not a bad idea... just let him leave on good terms so you don't have to deal with a lot of drama... BUT MOVE ON... it's tough, but there are better men out there...


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Thanks Presno and Blonddee! I will use that technique. My mind isn't functioning properly during this time, so its nice to hear everyone's advice. It will be hard to put a very brave face, but I think this is the best way to find happiness. I will definitely start preparing to keep my valueables out of the apt. I was just informed by a friend to check my jewlery box since "she" was there. My instincts says he will not come back to get me. I don't want to continue "waiting for him" because I will be waiting forever.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

after he moves to prevent him from coming back
email him ONCE and tell him you moved back in with your mother, 
and no longer interested in going to LA... so
he won't come back for you ( or back to the apartment ( or house)...
You may also want to take any stuff he leaves and put it in a storage facilty under his name and tell him where he can pick it up

and then never talk to him again. Like someone else said, let him become some other womans problem.
I think you have suffered enough.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

Are u Crazy??? He cheated on you & admitted to having this woman in your home. They had sex in the bed you shared with him. Plus he has been doing this for a year & is flip flopping about what he wants with you?

Ok first thing first pack his stuff & tell him to get out. Second give him the bed you shared as you dont need a reminder of what he did with her. Then go get yourself tested to be sure your safe because he put you at risk for std's.

Lastly be thankful you didn't marry him otherwise you would be me right now!!! I now have to raise our 10yr old daughter alone, while he goes & finds himself or another woman. I thought I could make it work with him by giving him time & space but as of today I need a clean break. Divorce is the only thing that is going to free me.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Thank you all for encouragement that I can live my life without him and that I don't need him. I can't wait to throw away the bed and all the towels they used. I want to start fresh. That's a very good idea of storing his stuff in a storage facility. I just hope his Mother doesn't go ballistic on me for doing that. She's not an easy woman to get along with. Yes, I keeping reminding myself that he will become "her" problem now. It hit me today that I will be single and that has been scaring me a bit. Thank you all for giving me hope.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It's a big change when you've been with someone so long, so you may flip-flop in your mind when thinking of good things, that you got along great, etc. but try to stay focused on who he is today & don't lower the bar and settle just because you are afraid to be alone. There will be times where you feel sad, lonely but I promise you there will be better times ahead and when you are ready, you will meet someone who you can spend time with, have fun with that respects you and treats you well. The key right now is taking care of yourself, think of all of your great qualities and make changes on things you don't like...if you focus on yourself, you will begin to feel better about what the future will hold.


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## modernchica (Jun 24, 2009)

Hey Little T, 
You and I have many similarities. I was/currently in a similar situation. My husband and I, before we got married were in a long distance relationship and cheated on me. I was devastated. I couldnt believe that I was putting my life on hold for him and he was out having a great time. Well of course he said he was sorry, I caved and we went on with the relationship. I convinced myself in my head that it was okay but it was not. So then marriage came up and the only way that we could be married is if I moved away from my home, family, and friends, and moved to be where he wanted to be. Well, I did it. And let me tell, I totally regret. I wish that I would have moved on with my life a long time ago. You see I convinced myself that I had to be with him but the reality was I didnt need him to have a good life. I could have created a good life all on my own. So please do this for yourself. I do not want you to end up like me. Following after a man that only cares about himself. It is not worth it. At the end of the day, you are going to be the one that is making all the sacrifices, putting your life on the back burner, and living unfulfilled. I know that you want to be married and have kids but do not let societal standards cloud your judgement. My advice is to let the man go on about his business (and trust me I know that this is a hard notion) and be free. How cool would it be to start all over. To not have to worry if someone is cheating on you or if someone loves you. Dont spend your life with anymore regrets. I wish I could have someone tell me this years ago. It would have saved me many tearful, sad depressing nights.


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## Heidiw (Jul 2, 2009)

littleT 
Don't be worried about his mother its none of her business what you do with his stuff. If she gets on you about it then dump the stuff at her house & tell her that she should've done a better job of raising him! Besides she's not going to be a part of your life so you can tell her how you really feel instead of worrying about her getting mad.

Secondly, I know being single is scary but you can do it. You were just meant to find someone better then him. You are young with no children so this is your opportunity to reinvent yourself in to the new & improved littleT. All of this happened for a reason & you will see that but it takes time that is all. Look at your future in a positive note not negative.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Thank you so much Modernchica! Thank you for sharing your past experience with me. It really helped to hear what my life will be like if I moved to LA. Your absolutely right, we do have very similar situations. I guess I am not thinking clearly as I should. Everyone on here agrees that moving to LA will be a tremendous mistake. I don't want to make any more mistakes. So, I will not move. I feel in my heart that he only wants me to move to LA because he needs me. Ex. I have a car and better credit than he does and he has always lived in a nice place. Of course, courtesy of me. I had always given him the finer things in life. And I think that's why he never left me. It really hurts that I never caught on to his cheating ways. Now, I just found out that his fling was not any ordinary flng. They actually inded have a relationship and he bought her jewlery, shoes, clothing and took her out to dinner. I found out all this information through the emails they sent each other and his bank statements. Its going to be lonely and sad start, but yes I look forward to living on my own. I can't wait to start fresh and new. Thank you so much Mondernchica for your advice. It was extremely a wake-up call for me. Cheers to my new beginning in life! Thank you all for your support.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through, littleT! But now you know!

Once he moves, change your locks, take his stuff to his mom's (don't bother with storage!) and don't look back.  You are well rid of this toxic person! 

I know it hurts and it will for a while, but you WILL heal! It won't be a day or a week, or a month -- but you will and then you can begin to build yourself a new, better life. And find someone who will love you properly.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

Heidiw said:


> littleT
> Don't be worried about his mother its none of her business what you do with his stuff. If she gets on you about it then dump the stuff at her house & tell her that she should've done a better job of raising him! Besides she's not going to be a part of your life so you can tell her how you really feel instead of worrying about her getting mad.
> 
> Secondly, I know being single is scary but you can do it. You were just meant to find someone better then him. You are young with no children so this is your opportunity to reinvent yourself in to the new & improved littleT. All of this happened for a reason & you will see that but it takes time that is all. Look at your future in a positive note not negative.


Thanks Heidiw for your words of encouragement. You made me smile and laugh. Something that I haven't done in a long time. I am trying to re-invent myself little by little. I try my hardest to put a brave face to show him that I don't need him for anything. Also, I'm extremely glad that I don't have to deal with his crazy mother anymore. The day after I confronted him, I was upset and couldn't talk to my boyfriend because he was so busy at work. So, he sent over his mother to talk to me. She asked me what was wrong. I told her that I found out your son was cheating on me and having a miscarriage was bringing me over the edge. She flat out told me that I should feel sorry for her son. I almost lost it, but I knew she was going to side with her son. As the saying goes, "blood is thicker than water". She wasn't sympathetic towards me at all, so I just had to play along that it was my fault. I just wanted her out of my home and I knew there would be a fight. I had absolutely no energy to fight with her. So, that its something that the "other girl" can now deal with. I will have to find someone who is wonderful and who will treat me the way I should be treated. I don't want to be disrespected anymore. Thank you Heidiw for giving me hope and laughter.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

His mother is an idiot! With no understanding or compassion! She ONLY thinks about him and he thinks ONLY with his little head! Get rid of this person (and his family)!!

I am so sorry, girl! I know it hurts...but you will be better off in the long run. And will find someone who can love you as you deserve.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

dcrim said:


> His mother is an idiot! With no understanding or compassion! She ONLY thinks about him and he thinks ONLY with his little head! Get rid of this person (and his family)!!
> 
> I am so sorry, girl! I know it hurts...but you will be better off in the long run. And will find someone who can love you as you deserve.


Thanks Dcrim! I am looking forward to not dealing with his family especially his mother. No longer my problem. Its going to be a rough road to heal, but I know its only for the best. Thanks for giving me hope that there is truely another love for me out there. Bless your heart.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

aw, shucks, you're welcome, little lady.  

There is always someone else out there...it just may take a while to find them. But don't give up on that! 

And don't start until you ARE healed from your last relationship - the next one doesn't need you an emotional wreck.  

You will heal. We all do. I can't give a timeline, but it will happen. 

You might want to check out some dating sites...kind of get a jump on that. Just don't accept anything yet until you're ready for it.


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## 1st2MakeIt (Jul 14, 2009)

I just wanted to extend my condolences to you on your loss. I know first hand how tough that can be after suffering two back to back.
Im very proud of you for being strong minded enough to start anew with your life, no thanks to that (bleep).
Do not blame yourself in any form or fashion for "missing signs" or "not knowing", hindsight is 20/20 and he had probably done this before.
His loss, you are too great of a woman for him anyway. Good luck in everything you want to accomplish.


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

1st2MakeIt said:


> I just wanted to extend my condolences to you on your loss. I know first hand how tough that can be after suffering two back to back.
> Im very proud of you for being strong minded enough to start anew with your life, no thanks to that (bleep).
> Do not blame yourself in any form or fashion for "missing signs" or "not knowing", hindsight is 20/20 and he had probably done this before.
> His loss, you are too great of a woman for him anyway. Good luck in everything you want to accomplish.


Thank you so much 1st2MakeIt! Everyday is a struggle. He reminds me everyday that he sacraficed his life for me and that it was "Me" that held him back. He said he stopped loving me 4 years ago, but I can't understand why he never told me this 4 years ago. I feel like I've been deceived. He said he is tired of making everyone happy especially me. I don't think I want someone who betrayed me as to bring the "other woman" into my home. I don't think i can ever forgive him for what he did. Its hard that he is playing the victim here and turning it around saying it is my fault. I know that I shouldn't blame myself for not finding out sooner. I just trusted him. I will look forward to a new chapter in my life and yes it is his loss.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

littleT, I'm so sorry. You may have contributed to the problem, but bottom line, it was HIS choice to take that action! 

There is no excuse for cheating but there may be a reason. 

Soon, you will be free...just hang in there, girl! And remember to change the locks!


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## littleT (Jul 16, 2009)

dcrim said:


> littleT, I'm so sorry. You may have contributed to the problem, but bottom line, it was HIS choice to take that action!
> 
> There is no excuse for cheating but there may be a reason.
> 
> Soon, you will be free...just hang in there, girl! And remember to change the locks!


dcrim- I am counting down the days to when he leaves. I will def change the locks. I don't need a liar, cheater and a freeloader in my life anymore. First thing I will do, is a bottle of champagne with the locksmith


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

GREAT, littleT! Do that!


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