# Is time alone to think a good or bad idea?



## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Since my wife is not doing the 180 on me, I was thinking of giving myself a taste of it by spending a few nights alone at a local hotel. 

Then I could see what life without her would truly be like.

Is this a good or bad idea?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Ive been gone a while, so excuse me if I am not up to speed. You had an EA, you want your wife to do the work to fix your marriage, and now you want to go to a hotel by yourself to see if you like being without her? Is that right? Or are you just trying to get her to divorce you so you don't have to be the bad guy?? seriously, excuse this if I don't have all the info.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

No worries. I had an EA, she forgave me the next day, I've been doing all of the self assigned heavy lifting. Now I'm having doubts about the marriage since she has not applied the 180 to me. I wish she had. I'm just trying to find answers.

Yes, I have my head up my rear.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

So, you want her to do what you want since you cheated>? LOL. The 180 is your idea, so ........... I am at a loss on this right now. I have been trying to catch up, and it looks ( from my POV) that you just want her to leave you so you won't feel guilty. Honestly, I wouldn't trust you in a hotel "by yourself" after admitting to an EA. (not implying you would do more, but she might think that way).


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## Soccerfan73 (Jul 30, 2011)

At some point you are going to have to tell her about the divorce you seem to want.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

So what you're saying is that you had an affair, and since your wife didn't appropriately ignore you afterward, you'll just go ahead and do the ignoring for her own good?

By that logic, I think you should go to that hotel and bang her sister or her best friend maybe while you're at it...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

It doesn't sounds like you really want to be in this marriage. It sounds like you're really ambivalent about being with her in the first place. Why not just be honest and tell her that you're not sure you want to be together anymore and that you guys should have a trial separation? Then, with some time apart, she can figure out whether to keep you around and you can figure out whether you want to stick around. Sounds like you need a break. Sounds also like you're still in affair fog. Let's hope that if you choose this option, you use that separation to actually be on your own and not checking out the other options that you seem to be weighing subconsciously in your mind, which is probably creating that ambivalence. Be honest and treat her with dignity so she can decide what she wants to have in her life. No one wants to be a back up plan, a consolation prize, or chosen out of convenience and tolerance rather than love and passion. And...do some soul searching to figure out if you are treating her the way you'd want to be treated if you were in her shoes.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Geez...let me explain.

I need to try and save the marriage. Even if it does end after trying, I can at least look back and know that I tried. 

My wife is acting as if nothing happened. Meanwhile, I'm not. I'm doing all of the things that a wayward should do. What's missing is the passion I had for her. 

I was thinking that if I spent some time away that I might realize what I am missing by her not being in my life. I might find that special need that she once fulfilled in my heart.

If this makes no sense, feel free to continue to rip me a new one. I feel like I got a "Get out of jail free" card, but my soul still knows that I committed the crime.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

HerToo said:


> Geez...let me explain.
> 
> I need to try and save the marriage. Even if it does end after trying, I can at least look back and know that I tried.
> 
> ...


The reason why your wife is acting like this is because you didn't tell her the truth and you still aren't. Your wife thinks it was a minimal attraction but the truth is you told another woman that you loved her and that you were going to divorce your wife for this woman. Unless I missed something, you have not even remotely been honest with your wife. THAT is why your wife hasn't ripped you a new one. You seem to want to divorce so badly, so why don't you fess up and be honest for a change. Odds are your wife will give you your wish.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I did tell her all of that. She told me to stop whereas she didn't want to hear it. I had to force the information on her to get her to understand how deep the emotions went.

I told her openly "I took my heart from you 100%, and have it to her."

If that's not honest, I guess I don't know what is.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I fail to see though how essentially going on vacation though will prove anything one way or the other.

Being in a hotel means someone is still taking your laundry out, cleaning your bathroom and bringing you all your food.

"Her not being in your life" is going to the grocery store yourself with 101 degree fever because you need soup and 7UP. It's remembering and making all the plans, all the appointments for doctors, routine maintenance and family birthday presents. It's buying the underwear that used to just appear and figuring out what made that grilled cheese sandwich so much better than the one you make.

Being "without her" is made up of a thousand tiny things every day....not a finite period in a full-service suite. I don't think there's any way to test those waters without an actual legal separation or pulling the trigger and making a decision.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I do all those things now. We both do them. She is my wife. Not my maid, cook, or slave. I am very aware of everything she does for the house and family, as she is of what I do. I was talking about living out of the house on my own. Experiencing being alone, lonely, no one to talk to, and all that would go with being alone. Not any fun stuff. Just work, and taking care of survival chores. To try and clearly see what my life would be like without her being there for me. To see the value she brought me so long ago. To see all of the positives of having her in my life that would be lost. 

Let me put it this way. Imagine that you were arrested and locked up for a week or longer. You could not talk to, or see, your spouse the whole time. Where would your mind go regarding your relationship, and why?


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Right, but in a hotel, there are no "survival chores" is my point. You walk into a made-up room, order dinner, you go to sleep, wake up, breakfast arrives and you walk out the door to work and come back to the same thing. Heck, depending on where you live, you may not even have to park your car and warm it up in the morning.... Grooming and gratuities are about the extent of survival in a hotel environment, it just isn't reality and it definitely isn't a jail cell. If deep reflection on the state of your relationship is what you're looking for, isn't that what's been happening inside your mind already? And how will deciding if you'd be lonesome or not reignite the passion and excitement that you're looking for?

Honestly, it sounds like one more delaying tactic to try and force your wife's hand so you don't have to make an actual choice here.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I give up. I can't convey my thoughts without leading the readers down a different path.

It was just a thought. I guess it's a very bad idea.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You want her to punish you or give you some kind of absolution, perhaps? You say that you feel like you got a "get out of jail free" card but your soul still knows you committed the crime.

Maybe what you're feeling is really big remorse. You screwed up royally. You love her, but how can you love her when you treated her so badly? And, how can she not be more mad at you? And, if she isn't more torn up about this, does it mean that either what you did wasn't so bad or that she doesn't have self-respect? Is this the kind of stuff that might be going on in your head or heart that's blocking you from being open to loving her? Is it that you don't trust yourself to feel passionately about her? Is it that you maybe just want her to be passionate about your relationship and this affair was in some way a ploy for you to get her to fight for you? I don't know...I am trying to figure out what you're going through so I can offer something useful.

I do not think that time away will re-ignite your passion. Try to date her instead. If she's open to that, anyway. Take her places that will excite and thrill her, or places where she will shine brightest and the things you love about her will become apparent to you again. To fall in love again, you have to court again, even if that sounds silly. You did fall out of love with her and in love with someone else and now you need to fall back in love with your wife (if she'll have you). That's what I think...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Give your wife the 180 list and ask her to treat you that way for a couple of weeks. Tell her you need it.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Give your wife the 180 list and ask her to treat you that way for a couple of weeks. Tell her you need it.


Hmm. Honesty. That's good!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

desert-rose said:


> Hmm. Honesty. That's good!


Go figure! What a novel idea! :scratchhead:


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## Yearning (Dec 8, 2011)

I tried what you are suggesting for the same reason, my situation was (is) very similar. Short answer: it didn't help me.

I had a place to stay by myself, with no distractions other than my regular work schedule. I read some books, talked with friends, exercised, had time to think, tried to decide what would be best for me AND everyone else involved. 
I spent over a month alone without any breakthroughs. I was comfortable alone and felt less daily stress, but eventually the guilt of hurting her won out and I moved back in so we could try to talk things out.

I love my wife in a caring and compassionate way, she is a wonderful person. But too many years of mistakes and conflict avoidance on both our parts led to resentment and eventually apathy. My past affair forced us to communicate better than I ever thought was possible, and that helped us in many ways. However, I just haven't been able to build a deeper connection, a honest passionate love or longing for her.

Maybe we didn't have enough chemistry or passion to marry in the first place, but that's in the past. The question we need to resolve is if we can get to a "good enough" place where we have hope for a fulfilling future. I'm going through the motions, trying new things, focusing on all the positives up to the edge of my comfort zone. Things are OK, but I want great (not perfect, not always great, but at least occasionally). I don't need it right away, I just need the belief we can get there. This is much more than a temporary lull for me. I've tried, given it 5 yrs, then another...... I don't want us to be stuck where we are in another 5 years.

Being in limbo sucks. Everyone can act in loving ways. Sometimes it leads to a strong & true love, other times it won't- depends on the people & their unique situations. You have to honestly try hard enough that it will either work, or you can look back and KNOW in your heart that you did your best. Anything less will likely lead to remorse. I wish you the best.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I appreciate all of the advice. MC starts after the new year. Until then, I stay home.


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