# I'm not sure I can do this anymore.



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

I don't even know where to begin...all I know is that the relationship I'm in is not working. My husband and I had a couple of really good days and things were going okay. Then yesterday, something went wrong. I returned from a day off work and realized how much I have to do. When I got home, I helped my son with his "homework" and gave him a snack. About two minutes before my husband got home, I got on the computer to start grading some papers. I went to my Yahoo homepage and saw I had gotten a myspace message from a friend who had pics from the New Kids concert and decided to download the pics onto my computer.

It doesn't sound serious, but here is where things went wrong. My husband made dinner, which he agreed to do when I talked to him earlier that day. The problem is that when he walked in the door I said hello, but continued my business on the computer. He was dealing with everything, but I did ask him once if he needed any help.

After dinner, I could see it in his face...he was mad at me again. He said obviously I didn't care about him enough to help out...that the New Kids were higher on my priority list. I didn't think it was a big deal, but I did apologize for not helping him. After that, we basically weren't talking. We went to the park and I completely ignored him because he was mad at me.

When we got back, I did some work. He became really upset and we ended up fighting. He said he was going to leave and went as far as to start packing a suitcase. Eventually we ended up talking everything out. When we were "finished" talking, he felt better, but I was to the point that I wanted to kill myself...that's how bad I felt. I just needed to sleep to make the pain go away.

This morning when I woke up, I wasn't feeling any better. I got up early, so I might get some work done. I kind of retreated into my own little shell. My husband tried to reach out to me with a touch or gesture once or twice, but I ignored it. I just needed to protect myself. I was almost ready, and I walked in the room to get something and didn't acknowledge him...I just didn't want to cry or feel bad about myself. I went to iron my clothes and I heard several loud noises from the back of the house. I knew what had happened, but I was shocked at the severity of it. My husband punched six holes in our bedroom wall. He was so angry. He apologized and said he would make it up to me. I explained to him that I did not want to be the reason that he felt this way...I told him it's unhealthy. I believe this with all my heart. Nobody should have to go through what I have put him through. He would definitely be better off without me.

I think maybe it's time we separated for awhile. This will probably only hurt him more, but I can't continue with the way things are going. I know he regrets what he did, but I think things are just too intense right now. I am constantly worrying about doing the wrong thing or not doing what he wants and ending up in the same time of situation we are in right now.

I hate to give up...but I'm not sure what else to do. If anybody has any suggestions, I would be grateful.


----------



## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

I can defninately understand his frustration. I have felt like I am working so hard to try and save our marriage, and sometimes it seems like my wife is intentionally trying to ignore me or avoid spending time with me. The other night we went out to dinner and rented a movie to watch together. She wouldn't even sit on the couch with me, although we talked throughout dinner and the movie. It makes me feel like she is just stringing me along. If you would take the iniciative to start a conversation with your husband on your own and just talk about your day or do some small thing to let him know that you are hurting to and that you know he is hurting it will go a long way. It seems to me that I feel better when I quit thinking about how bad I feel and try to do something to help her feel better. This is hard to do at times, but maybe you should quit beating yourself up about how you feel and start trying to give attention to how you can help your husband feel better. I know it will be difficult at first, but when you can do something or say something that makes him smile, you will get a feeling of satisfaction that you have probably not felt in a long time.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> I explained to him that I did not want to be the reason that he felt this way...I told him it's unhealthy. I believe this with all my heart. Nobody should have to go through what I have put him through. He would definitely be better off without me.


If he would be better off without you, shouldnt that be his choice? 

What is unhealthy here, is you feeling responsible for his anger. What is unhealthy is if you feel you can control how he feels, and dictate how he acts. You are putting enormous pressure on yourself. You cant even have a bad day! You have to put on a show so he can feel good. dont do this to yourself. 

You havent put him through anything. He's a big boy. If he wants he can leave. remember, he's staying. so work with that. he wants to be with you. dont try to think for him. dont try and project what you think he should want, or should deserve. those things are out of your control.

So you ignored him, or that's what he felt anyway. You know, my H ignored me yesterday. I have options on how i decide to feel towards him. I can get angry, hurt, feel rejected and be mean right back. but then that's my choice. Instead, I chose to think he's probably hurting, sad, stressed, maybe lonely, and i felt compassion for him. I gave him his space but was there when he came out of his shell. I dont need to take it personally because im ok with me, and im ok letting him make his own choices. 

I know its hard what you are going through right now but some simple boundary skills would go a long, long way to alleviate the stress you feel. You just have to learn to separate from his behavior. Stop apologizing and telling him this is all your fault. He's as equally responsible for this dysfunction as you are.


----------



## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

I agree. Until you can quit blaming yourself for his unhappiness you can't be happy yourself. First of all you don't what he is thinking or feeling at any given time anyway unless he tells you. If you constantly try to predict his feelings or reactions you end up making assumptions and making yourself feel worse. THe counselor we have been seeing keeps teeling my wife to stop looking at this from the perspective that she has to do something or act a certain way to be happy, she just has to let herself let go of the hurt and start from now. We have to learn from our past, but we can't live in it. And I also agree with the fact that your husband is staying and trying because he wants to. He is saying that Even though he gets frustrated and angry at times with things you say or do, that this is not what his love is based on. He loves you, not what you do for him. Stop trying to rationalize what he is doing and just accept the fact that he loves you and is dedicated to you no matter what. If he wasn't he would have left long ago. He is trying to love you, please let him.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

md250r-I have been working really hard lately to acknowledge my husband and give him attention or affection. That's when everything is fine. But, he expects me to greet him when he walks in the door every day with a warm smile and a hug. What if I don't feel like it one day? (like yesterday) The end result is I feel deeply depressed and completely responsible for his unhappiness...and this morning he gets so angry he punches 6 holes in the wall. This really scares me...not that he'll hurt me, but this can't be signs of a "good" relationship. 

I agree with you about not living in the past, and I'll admit, that is one thing I struggle with...I'm working on it though. I think it has helped. My husband really hurt me though when he said he was leaving and started packing his bag. Part of me wanted to let him go...because I feel he may be better off...maybe both of us would. 

ljtseng-You make many valid points. I know he's a big boy and can make his own choices. He also needs to be responsible for his own actions. I believe he knows this as well. About 6 months ago, when I started feeling like I may want to separate, it was because I was tired of this cycle of him getting mad at me all the time. I was feeling stronger, more confident, and felt like I needed to be on my own so I could continue down this path of growth. 

Now, whenever we talk, I always end up feeling depressed and unworthy of his love...mainly because I can't seem to make him happy. Rationally, I have told him he is responsible for his own happiness, that he can't depend on me to make him happy. But, when we get into these fights, our conversations always end up with me so down that I wish I were dead. I can't continue to feel this way.

My husband sent me an e-mail this morning. He feels extremely horrible about what happened. He said he would understand if I didn't want us to move forward. He said a lot of other things that were encouraging. I am afraid to trust it though because I don't want to feel like this anymore. It seems like his ego and need for attention conflicts with my need for solitude when I'm feeling down.

What else can I do...besides the counseling, etc. ? I will continue with that and am currently seeking a psychiatrist that specializes in Bi-Polar Disorder. In the mean time, this emotional rollercoaster is affecting me to the point that I don't want to go on. I can't live like this.

Thanks for sharing your story, so I can feel somewhat normal about how I acted yesterday. I can separate from his behavior, but when he says certain things, it sends me into a downward spiral...I'm out of control. I know he definitely has issues too, but the guilt I feel stems from my illness. I am working on separating my feelings from how I think about things though. It may take awhile, but I'll keep working on it. 

Anyway, thanks for your input.


----------



## md250r (Sep 8, 2008)

When he says things that hurt you stop him and explain why. If he is feeling anything like I have the frustration is coming from not knowing what is going on with you. Also think about it this way if you don't feel like greetinh him with a hug etc. There are many times that he has done things for you and shown you affection, but he does it anyway because he loves you. Keep in mind that love is an act, not an emotion. The more you pratice the acts, the more the emotions will follow. It will not be a drastic change either, but you will start doing things like greeting him with a hug as a habit without thinking about it and it won't be a chore. I think you and my wife are having similar issues with trying to seperate your mind from your emotions. You want to be happy with your husband, but emotions won't let you. I wish I knew some way that would help you get past this(if I learn anything from my counselor I will share), but I know that it starts with showing him love even when you don't feel like it. When you start doing things that you know are right even when you don't feel like it, it is empowering to you and you will start to gain self-confidence in that you are in control of your emotions. Like was said earlier, stop thinking of how you make your husband feel worse and do things to make him feel better.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> But, he expects me to greet him when he walks in the door every day with a warm smile and a hug. What if I don't feel like it one day? (like yesterday)


All the experts say that the first 5 minutes when a spouse comes in the door is vital. I used to go away on business, and arguments would start when I got back - and I used to think, this is crazy, why isn't she pleased to see me? In the end we read somwhere that this is a common situation, and we decided to make a point of being super nice to each other when I got home - sometimes to a comical extent. But we have always had humour to help lighten the load.

So now we don't have that problem any more 

So I hate to tell you, but your situation is very common.


----------



## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I also now make it a point to meet my husband at the door with a hug, kiss and smile & it definitely sets us in a good way with each other for the rest of the day (which should be the best part of the day since you are home together) 

Yes, there are days where I'm feeling down/overwhelmed but it's much easier to talk to him about that once he's settled at home. We know when to give each other space but to keep the welcome home ritual going is important so neither of you don't take the mood personally.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

guiltygirl said:


> Now, whenever we talk, I always end up feeling depressed and unworthy of his love...mainly because I can't seem to make him happy. Rationally, I have told him he is responsible for his own happiness, that he can't depend on me to make him happy.


The reason you can only say this rationally and not fully understand what you are saying, is because you, to an extend, feel he is responsible for your happiness. There's fear underneath it all. 

believe me you are not crazy for feeling any of this. the other day my H picked a fight with me. the cat knocked off a plant (that he had told me not to put there) and he came in the room and angrily said, "You need to clean that up." OH, no you didnt! lol. He was upset b/c i was ignoring him that day. and instead of doing the mature thing, he picks a fight with me, then goes straight to bed, which he knows gets me more then anything. I totally reacted to it. He got to me. I asked him what the hell that was about, and got angry and defensive right back. I grabbed my pillow and told him if he keeps this up we're getting divorced. Not good on my part. but you live and learn. 

Also your depression. He's not pushing you over the edge. these fights are more like the straw that breaks the camels back. You're already overwhelmed, already feeling all these things, and then to top it off he pushes your buttons. dont worry about it. forgive yourself. it happens. but the fights are not what are making you feel suicidal, in my opinion. that feeling is already under the surface, and then the fights provoke it. Its a good thing, believe it or not. you can run and hide from it and you probably wont be cognizant that you are feeling depressed, but if you stay in and learn from it, you will rid yourself of the depression. relationships make you deal with yourself. that is never fun.

Start reading about boundaries. you can read it online. just google boundaries in relationships.


----------



## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

His punching holes in walls is a red flag. First it is a form of verbal abuse. It also brings up the fact that he needs anger management classes as well as counciling before the two of you can move forward. If I ever did that in my house my wife would knock me out with a cast iron frying pan.

draconis


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

Thanks for all of your comments.

Draconis-I agree completely, and I brought this up with my husband last night. He feels terrible, and this isn't the first time he has punched a hole in the wall. He would never lay a hand on me or the kids, but he does need some help learning how to manage his anger.

ljtseng- you always make me feel a little better...I guess knowing I'm not completely crazy. It is extremely difficult to face the emotions of depression and I often to want to run away. I fear if I don't, it will result in increasing suicidal thoughts. It's self-preservation. Your fights sound eerily similar to many that we have had over the years. The biggest issue, we've discovered, is for me to learn how to deal with these emotions in a more constructive way and not let them control my life. Lastly, you hit the nail on the head. FEAR is a BIG issue for me...it causes so many problems in my life in general.

MT- Thanks for the input. I do realize the importance of this. I wish I could have your laid-back attitude about everything...just not sure that's me. This situation may be common, and I appreciate your positive approach to the situation. However, what isn't common is the hole-punching.

My husband has come to so many realizations, and of course I am worried that things may not change. We talked some last night and things have calmed down for the time being. We're going to focus on improving the BP situation and we will definitely be discussing my husband's anger issues at counseling. We also discussed possibly separating temporarily because things are so intense right now. This may allow us to have some distance and see things from a slightly different perspective. For now though, that's on hold. We're going to take it day by day.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Well good for you for working on it. And trust me you are not crazy. If i told you some of the stuff ive done in my marriage, you'd be shocked that my H didnt divorce me. Your H's temper is child's play compared to mine. Its funny now, in sort of a sick, cynical, not really funny, but funny kind of way...

Marriage is not normal in itself, i have decided. but you do what you can to make it work.


----------



## guiltygirl (Aug 8, 2008)

ljtseng-Thanks again for the encouraging words. I guess we're not perfect...although I wish I could be. Perfectionistic tendencies are another of my issues. It never ends. HaHa!


----------

