# Feeling hopeless and stuck



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

I am feeling so hopeless and stuck in my marriage. I married my best friend almost 2 decades ago and have two beautiful children that we love very much. I love him and still consider him my best friend. I am pretty sure he loves me too. But our personal needs seem not to match.
I would like to spend a lot of time with him, have conversation, be playful, be intimate. Whenever I initiate, it happens to some extent BUT if I don't initiate he goes about his life for months together. Earlier I did not pay much attention but then I started noticing it and started feeling bad because it seems like I am the one who needs the emotional and physical connection...he does not care too much about it.
I told him how I feel. He says that he cares about it too but is just busy. At first, I accepted that but now I notice that is not true. He finds time to go out drinking with his buddies couple of times a month, he makes time to watch TV every night (and has said to me many times that he needs alone TV watching to relax), he spends time with his collegaues (he says its important to do that in his profession)....It seems to me that he has a reason to make time for everything except some relationship building with me. I gently conveyed this to him over the course of last year many times but it seems like it falls on deaf ears as nothing changes. 
Now I have started getting irritated about it too and now he says that he would want to spend time with me if I was not irritable. That made me feel bad about my behavior but I took it as feedback to try to get my behavior better. Its two months later and its the same thing...I have been less irritable and not asked for spending time explicitly and he didn't notice a thing or noticed it but didn't change his behavior to make time for me at all.
So, we had a blow out fight last night and he said that I have a good deal in a husband and that I should try to go shop in the market and will find that there is nothing better I can get......

To top that off, we just found out that we have gotten pregnant accidentally and will be having a baby in 7 months.....but to show how our sex life is, I must point out that its the only time we had sex in 3 months...

I have felt like leaving the marriage many times over the course of the past year but have stayed for the sake of my children.
I don't want to leave because of my children and so I feel STUCK.....he knows it too that I won't leave because of the kids and he says that he would have left too if it was not for the kids. 
I am resigned that I can't do anything about this relationship anymore.....but I need to feel better on a day to day basis.....I feel so alone and down and depressed most of the time. I have lost my best friend and my husband even though we live under the same roof.

Give me any advice how to make myself happy....


----------



## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Have you two ever gone to counseling? This is tough because it sounds like he knows what your needs are and refuses to meet them . I think counseling might help, IF he's open to changing/improving.


----------



## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

I'm sorry that your in such a hard spot. Your husband behavior is very much similar to what I've gone through. Sometimes I wondered why he married me if he wanted to continue acting single. It's all f***ed up. Get yourself into counseling and read some threads here on TAM. There's a thing called the 180 that you can do where you can start taking control of your life and start tilting his comfortable home. How old are the kids? Sorry to say this but start checking to see if he's cheating. When their affection start lying elsewhere, they are much harsher in the treatment of their spouse. My H betrayal opened my eyes sadly there is no happy ending as he can leave the marriage so can I. Sadly, the casualties are the kids whatever age they are.


----------



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

I went to counseling a couple of times. At first, he did not want to go because he says there is nothing wrong. I forced him to go so he went once then he said that he thinks the counsellor is not good and that counselling is useless anyway so that stopped right there...
Maybe I should look for counselling again...

kids are 11 and 7....
I will look into the 180
thanks!


----------



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

Is this the right description of the 180?
The Healing Heart: The 180


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

FeelSoAlone said:


> Is this the right description of the 180?
> The Healing Heart: The 180


Yes, that's exactly what we're talking about when we mention the 180. However, I would encourage you to read the whole book.

I have to agree with the other commenters here when they say he seems to know what your needs are, and is refusing to meet them. And like other commenters here, I've been in the same situation myself.

You can try to drag him to counseling again, but I don't think that's going to work. If he doesn't care about what you need out of this marriage, he won't go willingly or with the intention of fixing anything; he'll go because _my wife is making me go, and if I do this for a little while, maybe she'll shut up about it and leave me alone_. And his previous comments show that he clearly thinks counseling is bullsh*t.

His behavior, from what I can see in your initial post, isn't healthy. He's not treating you as a priority in his life. He says that he would have left if it weren't for the kids. And he's blame-shifting, trying to force you to accept emotional responsibility for the fact that he's unhappy and neglecting you:



> and now he says that he would want to spend time with me if I was not irritable.


*^^^ This is emotional abuse.*

And he tries to belittle you and make you feel like you don't deserve any better than the sh*t he's been giving you:



> he said that I have a good deal in a husband and that I should try to go shop in the market and will find that there is nothing better I can get......


*^^^ This is emotional abuse.*

I'm sure that there are many more examples you could give us of this type of behavior. If you do some research on emotional abuse, the examples will start flying out at you.

Abuse, whether it is physical, verbal, or emotional, isn't about love or caring. It's about control. It's about the abuser controlling his victim. As long as he refuses to meet your needs, and as long as he is the only person in a position to meet those needs, he will still continue to have this power over you and control you.

You need to take back your power and your control. That's what the 180 is about, it's about taking back control of your own life and your own happiness. If he's not going to meet your needs, then you're going to have to take care of yourself and meet your needs on your own. Don't allow his misery to bring you down and ruin YOUR life; use the 180 to find your self and your inner source of happiness again.

There's a very good chance that this process may lead you away from your marriage--it may give you the strength to do what you need to do, and that's a good thing. You both say that you stayed for the children, but it's not good for them to grow up with parents who don't love, care for, and value one another. It teaches them the wrong lessons about life and what a relationship should be.

And the last thing I'm going to say here will probably be very unpopular, but I think it needs to be said. Are you sure that you want to have another child with this man? I don't know where you live, whether it's a red state or a blue state, so I don't know the regulations or what hoops you might have to jump through. But if you consider yourself pro-choice, then you have a choice in this matter. (If not, then feel free to disregard this last paragraph, and please know that I had no intent to offend. I know this can be a touchy subject.)


----------



## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

One thing many men will tell you from this board is that gentle nudging and even nagging doesn't work. They hear you complain and think it's no big deal because you stop. Often referred to as a 2x4 because men seem to require a board up along side the head to get their attention. It's time for his 2x4.

Yes, he's being dismissive and emotionally abusive by not recognizing how discontent you are. He dismisses the counselor - he doesn't want to change the status quo. What he doesn't realize is HE has something pretty good and to get someone else he'll have to step it up and start the wooing process - investing time and energy to get someone new.

The 180 is a good start. Don't discuss the future; make your plans as if he doesn't exist. Don't consult him. Basically live your life as a single mother minus dating. You already are anyway. You will get one of two results:

1 - he becomes fearful that you are done and starts paying more attention to you because he starts to miss your conversation, TLC and attention and will agree to counseling; or
2 - he doesn't change at all, you become more firm in your commitment to change your life and decide to leave.

Either way your future is not forever bleak. The last straw will happen for someone.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

^^^ :iagree: with Enjoli. Nail on the head, right there.


----------



## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

FeelSoAlone said:


> I am feeling so hopeless and stuck in my marriage. I married my best friend almost 2 decades ago and have two beautiful children that we love very much.relationship anymore.....but I need to feel better on a day to day basis.....
> 
> I feel so alone and down and depressed most of the time. I have lost my best friend and my husband even though we live under the same roof.
> 
> ..


I feel you. I am going through the same, although for slighty different reasons. It is sad place to be, very lonely. Hopfeully you'll figure out a way. Follow Enjoli woman advise. Get fit, independent, cheerful (not rude), like the woman you were twenty years ago. find yourself. maybe he will come back to you. Maybe not. But you will be in much better place.

Now, Wandaj, since you so smart, follow your own advise, ...lol


----------



## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Does he reject you, or does he just not initiate?

Was the 3 month dry spell due to neither of you initiating? Or were you initiating and he was shooting you down?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

My wife has a friend in a similar situation. I've thought on this topic for her for years now and honestly have no advice, nothing to say that will give you comfort. It seems to me that it boils down to the fact that life is messy and that many things out there in this world will just chew you up and spit you out until there is not much left. 

About the only thing you can do is be selfish when it comes to things that you know that make you happy (little things here and there, or big things like going back to college for a new degree), THEN once you manage to find it, share your happiness with those around you. 

Do not try to make everyone else happy. Do not expect them to make you happy. Find what makes you happy from within.


----------



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

It was because neither initiated!
I slept in a separate room with the kids because they really want me to sleep in the bed with them while he doesn't care so why deny ones who want me and give to someone who doesn't care....he did not object or say anything about it....


----------



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

Thank you FeministInPink and Enjoli...you guys are right. I have started this week to spend more time with my friends. I am going to go out with them often and have fun. Then maybe I won't need him either haha  and life will go on....

I really should not be having another child irrespective of the current situation but I can't do anything about it.....I am liberal generally but pro-choice I can not do for myself....I am ok with it and will be supportive if someone else wants to do it.

WandaJ, what you said makes sense too.....I just need to do things for myself (separate from him) that make me happy

I am going to work on taking control of my life. I hope this works in making me less unhappy....that's my only goal at this point.

Thank you all for the support and advice


----------



## FeelSoAlone (Apr 20, 2015)

For some reason, my responses get stuck for moderator approval and so do not show up on the board on time!

Anyway, so I decided to the 180. I spent time reading and understanding it and finally figured it will never work in my situation. He won't even notice a change. He is fine with no physical/emotional contact with me so what would he notice. The only interaction is for kids which I would not change as I would not want to penalize the kids.

So, I did a lot go thinking and finally decided that its time I have one final talk with him with a deadline for some positive progress or I will move out.

It was a disaster talk. It was the same old things...
first he started with that this is normal married life after so many years and that I can ask anybody. I said that it is not normal, give me a list of friends you want me to ask and I will poll them. Then he said ok yes its not normal. I will work on it.
Then he said its me and that he is busy and exhausted...basically all the same things either he has no time or that I am causing this by my behavior. I told him that if this relationship was his first priority then he would make time and he agreed that he had made it low priority and will now make it high.
I told him I can not go on indefinitely like this. I said that if we don't work towards this relationship seriously by the end of this school year then I am moving out in the beginning of summer...there I said it and I mean it. His response - "I have work travel during summer".....I am thinking..really that the first thing you can think of? I am here to provide babysitting while you travel for work? Then he tried to guilt me into "how is this good for kids". I told him that happy but separated parents are better than unhappy together parents. He told me its in my head that is kids don't think there is anything wrong with our marriage! I told him that they don't need to think that...if I am not happy then I am not able to give my best to them....so yes, I do think its best for them.....then he said that he will try his best to make this relationship high priority but that he is not going to be forced to commit to any timelines!! Thats his usual MO too....don't commit to timelines and home that this fizzles out!! I told him that I need timeline because I can NOT go on indefinitely like this. To this, he said "you can set whatever timeline you want and do whatever you want but I won't commit to it. I have told you that I will make this high priority now and I will do that"


----------

