# Need advice, wife had online EA



## ShyGuy77 (Feb 9, 2011)

Kinda new to this community, I was hoping to get some advice and perspective from people who might've gone through something similar. I don't know how much detail I need to go into, but here goes.

Short background - been married to my wife for 6.5 years, and we have a 2 year old daughter together. She works in a well paying, professional job, retired MIL watches our daughter, and I've been going back to school to get into the same profession. The school is 2 and half hours away though (closest there is), so I rent a house with two classmates who also have wives that live back home, and we go home on the weekend. 

I'll skip most of the details (and fill in if I need), but ultimately I found some explicit Skype chat logs she had with some guy she met in a online virtual world, similar to Second Life. I confronted her, she apologized, and now we're trying to work through things. She said she would cut off contact with the guy, and that she was only doing it to help get through me not being there - which she realizes now wasn't right. Generally things are good now, but every now and then I'll have a rough time of it. When I try to talk with her about it, she'll get defensive, feel guilty, cry, and start saying she's afraid this just isn't going to work and we just need to cut our losses now.

I really want to try and work through this, but I keep finding myself wishing there was a little more transparency still. She still uses that same email address, and still plays the game though hardly as much as she used to. I still find myself going back afterwards looking through the history and whatever, which she's stopped erasing as much. I notice she wipes her iPhone history now, but there's not much she could do using that unless she's still in contact with him via email.

Am I wrong to keep wanting to check up behind her? Or to see what's in that email account of hers? I know we can't go through life with me always demanding access to her more private stuff, but a lot of times I feel it's so unfair that I have to work so hard to give her that trust back, and she just want's things to "go back to being okay" so fast. 

Thanks in advance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No your not wrong for checking on her secrecy. In my opinion she has lost that right to keep secrets.
Keep in mind privacy is walking in on her when shes in the bathroom without knocking, what you did is invade her secrecy.

Why cant you go through life checking on her? If she has no secrets, what's there to hide? 

They will never be the same she has croosed a line and if she continues to have secrets it will never work. See If it was me I'd have no problem with you checking up on me b/c I would have nothing to hide, Get it? 

She likes her secrets and that is not health for you. Tranparentcy means alot to someone that has been betrayied, and if she cant offer that then she is still hiding the affair.


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## ShyGuy77 (Feb 9, 2011)

Well, I do agree that if she had nothing to hide, then there should be nothing to be worried about. However, I just don't think it would be healthy if I was constantly following up like that. I think part of idea of trust is how someone acts when they don't know you're looking, rather than if they knew you were.

I guess my question goes out to those who have successfully worked through situations like this, and how exactly they handled the topic of transparency or if they did at all.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well I'm not sure if I successfully worked through this,but after years of cheating that my wife did, I wish I would have kept on eye on her more then I did.

I quess I just didn't care and looked the other way or maybe I refused to face the fact that she found her emotional needs from someone else. I should have faced her infidelity and my emotional neglect 13 years ago. 

So 12 months ago I faced the reality that my wife was sleeping around and I confrotned her with some text messages and some pictures and we desided to work it out. One of her consequences that she understands is the fact that I will need her to be transperant.

So I look and snoop and just need to look know... if I can trust her again. Granted I was on her like flies on sh*t for the 1st few months and she has proven her commitment. 

These days I just check into her when I start to feel a little insecure...she has nothing to hid so when she walks in and I have he cell phone or when I'm on line looking into her account she understands I'm healing. It happens less and less.

Don't get me wrong I trust her in the fact that she wants the same things I want in a marriage, but the difference know then 20 years ago...is now I know she has the capeablity to cheat. 

Instead of having this image of a pure and loyal wife I now have the reality of having a wife that has the capablity sleeping with other men, but I trust that she won't. So with that trust I need to "look after her".

A cop pulls you over for speeding, lets you go, but follows you just to make sure you stop speeding.

IDK it works for us. In a way it sucks being a member of the cheating police but breaking up my family would have been worse if she wasn't remorseful for her behavior, and recommited to the marriage. 

She has repented and she understands I will follow her after I pulled her over.

I hope that makes sense?


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