# Post affair...how do we (I) get past it?



## brokengirl1 (Jun 17, 2013)

Just wondering how to move forward after an affair. I am still as angry, hurt and broken as the day I found out but am trying to stay in the marriage and move forward. It is HARD. We have children and love them so much, we want no hurt to come to them from this. My husband is very remorseful and upset that he did this to our marriage and I acutally believe him BUT I am so sad he did this at all that I am having a hard time getting past it all. Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's hard talking to people who haven't been in the situation because they don't understand the many many emotions that come with this...


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Read through some of the sticky topics and other peoples stories. When you are ready, post some of the specifics of your own story. You will get tons of advice. The more specific you are, the more specific it will be. There are many different opinions. You will get advice you like and advice you don't. Ultimately you need to pick which you take and what you leave here on the board.

Welcome, and sorry you are here.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It's really hard going. How long ago did you find out?


----------



## SadSadGirl (Jun 13, 2013)

I'm really sorry to hear about your affair.. although i am not married to my betrayer I can imagine your pain that you're going through. From reading a lot of threads here, the pain will remain for a long time. I think the main thing here is to really establish whether or not your husband is truly remorseful and is willing to go the necessary steps for you to heal. 

There is great advice about the 180, and maybe you should implement those steps into your life for now and give yourself some time to heal. Im so sorry to hear about your pain, but this forum will definitely help you along the journey.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It is nearly impossible to be so betrayed personally, against the marriage, against the kids and against the family as a unit and then “get over it”. 

One thing I will note about your post- staying in a marriage for the sake of the kids having two adults in the house is wrong thinking if this is a barrier to your happiness. Kids are pretty keen on sensing when parents don’t have genuine love for each other and that is worse than a divorce.

Not that I am advocating a divorce, but merely want to point out you need to do what you need to do for emotional happiness, self-respect and to find true love. If need be, your husband can remain an active part of their lives and not live at home.

Now that this betrayal has happened, you need to think about you first- again, you happiness, emotional health, self-respect… as the better you are the better the kids will be. If this can be done with your husband around, then fine. If not, maybe a 90-day trial separation with counseling. 

Another thought, and I don’t like saying this, but by keeping him around it validates his betrayal to a certain degree. This is poor for all involved. So I am an advocate for some separation while the two of you decide as to what is best. And he needs to understand that this may very well be the end of the marriage.


----------



## Robsia (Mar 11, 2013)

How recent is it? What happened? Are you certain it is over?


----------



## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

Hang in there and know you are not alone...much depends on how strongly both of you want to save the marriage for yourselves, not the children(altho they are a very important consideration). Forums like this can help, but realize there are many posters out there who are extremely bitter and negative to reconciliation. Take what they say with a grain of salt or better yet, disregard them...you will recognize them for what they are. 

I would suggest getting a few books (After the Affair, Not Just Friends, search on Amazon) and reading them TOGETHER. I feel its so important for the Wayward Spouse to realize deep down how devastating their behavior was to begin to help the BS heal. And you will realize that your feelings are not unusual or wrong. MC helps too, but must be entered into eagerly! by both partners...how willing your husband is to talk, answer every question, reassure, apologize every time you need to communicate your hurt is a good indication of how well he will help you to heal. Lack of trust is a big issue immediately after and he will need to be totally open, honest and tell all. Trickle truthing is very destructive altho the Wayward claims he is doing you a favor by not hurting you more, its really more about covering his butt and avoiding the pain he caused you...insist on no trickle truths, please. 

I am approaching 2 years from 1st DDay, and 5 months from 2nd DDay, and while I feel much stronger, and confident, and our marriage is hanging in there, it doesn't seem,, in my personal case, that the hurt and sense of betrayal and anger and resentment has disappeared totally. I don't expect that it ever will and that just plain sucks. I am really struggling to forgive my husband for abandoning me, lying and deceiving but just do not know how to do it yet. It seems like my life during those years was such a waste, had no meaning, even tho many parts of it(even our relationship at times) were honest, beautiful and meaningful...perhaps only the passing of time will help me (and you too) to see that there have been more positives to my marriage than negatives...it has and is the most hurtful and difficult thing I have ever had to experience so far in my life. 
So hang in there, demand your dues and believe me, he owes you big time...but let love, hope and forgiveness be your guide...if you can summon them, there is a good chance you will make it together. But if after a year or two, they still elude you, you may consider another path that may lead a different direction.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

brokengirl1 said:


> Just wondering how to move forward after an affair. I am still as angry, hurt and broken as the day I found out but am trying to stay in the marriage and move forward. It is HARD. We have children and love them so much, we want no hurt to come to them from this. My husband is very remorseful and upset that he did this to our marriage and I acutally believe him BUT I am so sad he did this at all that I am having a hard time getting past it all. Any suggestions would be appreciated. It's hard talking to people who haven't been in the situation because they don't understand the many many emotions that come with this...


His remorse. And your mutual love.

It's tough. But it is doable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> His remorse. And your mutual love.
> 
> It's tough. But it is doable.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Even if they're remorseful, it's hard. We're in MC now, she's professed deep remorse, etc. Says she loves me, is more worried about losing me not the marriage, but I question it every day. Not her remorse, necessarily, but whether I can do this. Whether I want to do this. I think it was weightlifter that posted a thought experiment: imagining finding a new woman, experiencing that sense of love again, but without the black cloud of deception and betrayal that covers everything now. It was beautiful, and what I knew I truly wanted. Some days I think it will work, others not so much. There's just too much baggage, too many wounds.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Wow Brokenshadow that was well put. It is like a cloud that covers everything, will it ever lift? How long has it been for you?


----------



## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

indiecat said:


> Wow Brokenshadow that was well put. It is like a cloud that covers everything, will it ever lift? How long has it been for you?


There are some members on this board who still feel it years and years later, so I'm not sure it ever does. Dday 1 was April 19, dday2 was May 10.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Many people can't get over it and never do trust their WS again. The trust is broken and it look the love with it.

Others are able after along time to try again, but many never can.

It's ok, not to accept him back. You are not a quitter or a bad person if you look at him an find the love you once had for him died when he cheated.


----------



## love=pain (Nov 26, 2012)

Been 15 months or so for me and in my experience so far you will never get past it you just learn to live with it, this will be with you every day, some days it will be on your mind all day and others no so much.
Infidelity in marriage is much like having cancer, you may beat your illness be in remission or whatever but you will always be a person with/ has had cancer. Your marriage will always have the stigma of this even if no one else knows, and if you divorce the pain that you have endured will follow you and affect all your relationships (mainly due to trust issues).
Now for the good stuff (as I see it). If you can endure this you will be stronger much more resilient, and it will help you focus on the really important things in your life. You will appreciate the smaller things and celebrate the big things so much more.
One last thing take care of yourself and find small ways to pamper or spoil yourself you deserve it.


----------



## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Brokenshadow said:


> Even if they're remorseful, it's hard. We're in MC now, she's professed deep remorse, etc. Says she loves me, is more worried about losing me not the marriage, but I question it every day. Not her remorse, necessarily, but whether I can do this. Whether I want to do this. I think it was weightlifter that posted a thought experiment: imagining finding a new woman, experiencing that sense of love again, but without the black cloud of deception and betrayal that covers everything now. It was beautiful, and what I knew I truly wanted. Some days I think it will work, others not so much. There's just too much baggage, too many wounds.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I read that thought experiment from weightlifter, and it was missing a few key ingredients.. did you learn from that first experience what you could have changed about yourself and what actually broke down in the relationship, did your partner learn about boundaries and how devastating an A can be, and are there any guarantees that this new wonderful woman won't eventually betray you. Has she betrayed anyone else? You have no idea. Good luck finding a person with no baggage.. and if you can, more power to you, but there's no shame in trying. You also don't have children or history with this person..


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

When things are still raw it is hard sometimes just to make it through the day. Hang in there. The process is difficult and painful. There are days like today for me where I have to take it hour by hour.


----------



## brokengirl1 (Jun 17, 2013)

It has been 13 mths for me...and I have the exact same feelings as you...always with me...some days just less than others. This sucks. And my husband has been doing everything he can to help and alleviate what he has done, very remorseful but it always still there...


----------

