# Need advice on men talk



## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I am getting married in January and have a few questions about why men talk and If i need ot be concerened.....Okay history on my relationship its a ;littel long but please help me understand whats going on.....We have ahad a roocky three years but the last 8 months have been good...We have had a few major gifhts about his lying to me about what I overheard him say to his buddy at work and also about him taking a girl to work (much younger than him) and lying about it...What the problem is is is what I have overheard on many occasions about him calling every girl he sees' hot, a gearbox even talking about my neighbor and saing id like to cuddle up to that for a few hours...Okay I know i should not have heard him say these things but it is eating at me everyday..he comes home then and cuddles me tells me he loves me etc but i am so disgusted that I dont wnat him ner me...he doesnt know I know these things...Is he just playing me? will he cheat if he could gte the opprotunity with any of thses women? would you marry a man who talks like this behind your back? This is just a small portion of the things he has said and done...PLEASE HELP I DONT WANT TO RUIN MY LIFE


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

That's a tough one. I know some guys who talk like that and some who don't. Personally I think it's pretty douchy. It could be just trying to be one of the guys. It could be he's looking and would jump at another girl given the opportunity. 

Some guys will comment on a good looking woman with their friends. For me the comment should not be crude, end at her, and not involve me & her or anything I would do to her.


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## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

*but i am so disgusted that I dont wnat him ner me*

Why would you marry somebody that disgusts you and you don't want to be around?


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Yeah, he's talking like a single construction worker. I get it. A lot of guys do it and it does signify he'll be unfaithful. The issue is that ultimately it is disrespectful to you on some level. Each person will have a different opinion on what that level is and how much is acceptable, but only you can determine that. I'd just sit down with him and have a rational conversation. Take ownership of it because it's more about YOUR feelings than his specific behavior. IE "When you make those statements about other women, I know you're not going to cheat, but I do feel disrespected. Can I ask something of you to help me feel better about myself. Can you curtail some of it?"


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

One thing that virtually EVERYONE on this forum (guys & gals) will agree on is it WON"T GET BETTER once you're married. If you're having problems or concerns now, address them now and don't get married with unresolved issues.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

So you're getting married soon and the relationship has only been real good for the last 8 months????

I think this is a bigger problem than the one you're asking about!


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I did try to talk to him about that I think men who talk like that are disgusting and he said I never talk like that which is a lie...Then he will get mad and say Im playing games with him and that he will not put up with my bs


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

so you think that they way he talks he would be unfaithfull///how could a man who says he loves you calls you beautiful everyday and says your ethe sexiest women alive be like this I am so confused


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

You know he's lying and he's defensive when you raise the issue, tries to turn it around on YOU. The talk about other women shows a lack of respect, not just for them, but especially for you.

The lying also says he doesn't respect you, but much more importantly that you cannot trust him. Without trust, you have virtually no chance at a successful marriage.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

beacuse I know I care for him but when i hear his conversations with his work buddies i cant help but feel horrible and feel he is only with me because he cant get someone else...


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Drover said:


> That's a tough one. I know some guys who talk like that and some who don't. Personally I think it's pretty douchy. It could be just trying to be one of the guys. It could be he's looking and would jump at another girl given the opportunity.
> 
> Some guys will comment on a good looking woman with their friends. For me the comment should not be crude, end at her, and not involve me & her or anything I would do to her.





Dad&Hubby said:


> Yeah, he's talking like a single construction worker. I get it. A lot of guys do it and it does signify he'll be unfaithful. The issue is that ultimately it is disrespectful to you on some level. Each person will have a different opinion on what that level is and how much is acceptable, but only you can determine that. I'd just sit down with him and have a rational conversation. Take ownership of it because it's more about YOUR feelings than his specific behavior. IE "When you make those statements about other women, I know you're not going to cheat, but I do feel disrespected. Can I ask something of you to help me feel better about myself. Can you curtail some of it?"


I would love to talk to him like that but if he found out i heard his conversations he would ask how i foind out..I snooped with a cell phone spy and listened


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

All of us Neanderthal men are the same. We talk like we're with our friends in a bar and (married or single) sex is the main topic. Don't lose sleep over a few remarks. The other guy on the line with him could have been prodding him about the neighbor and if she's hot so the friend can hit on her.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> All of us Neanderthal men are the same. We talk like we're with our friends in a bar and (married or single) sex is the main topic. Don't lose sleep over a few remarks. The other guy on the line with him could have been prodding him about the neighbor and if she's hot so the friend can hit on her.


 Thanks for saying it like that..although his frined wasnt prodding I know that for sure..He was the one who iniates all the converstaions about women..Oh well I guess I can live with it or leave


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

"What the problem is is is what I have overheard on many occasions about him calling every girl he sees' hot, a gearbox even talking about my neighbor and saing id like to cuddle up to that for a few hours"

"will he cheat if he could gte the opprotunity with any of thses women? would you marry a man who talks like this behind your back? This is just a small portion of the things he has said and done"

--

Why dont you ask him. Go ahead. Print this thread out and hand it to him. No big secrets here, right? Air out the dirty laundry now. You need to clear this up in your mind, and his, before you tie the knot. Explaining it away however, isnt the same as simply not behaving like that in the first place.

Men, Like women... and not immune to appreciating a fine example of the opposite sex - and both may say so between friends etc using appropriate discression. Bu - being crass and obvious and obnoxious and insulting shows a certain amount of ignorance.. or at the very least indifference or social ineptness.

How long you known this guy? You sure you want to buy into that program? If your concern is 'ruining your life' then I suspect you are having a real problem with this. I agree with above comment about marriage not getting easier. You need to resolve it.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

I truly doubt this is anything to worry about. The way we guys talk with interacting with other guys is just that. Talk. It doesn't mean we have any intention of jump thier bones. It just means they are attrictive. Yes, it is a crude way of putting it, but it's the way we are.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

40isthenew20 said:


> All of us Neanderthal men are the same. We talk like we're with our friends in a bar and (married or single) sex is the main topic. Don't lose sleep over a few remarks. The other guy on the line with him could have been prodding him about the neighbor and if she's hot so the friend can hit on her.


But all us men aren't Neanderthals. Just sayin'. I'm married. I don't talk about "hitting that" because it tells the guys I'm with that I don't respect my wife. But if I saw an attractive woman I would mention it to my buddies. I do recognize and enjoy beauty and my friends do too.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

You're obviously having doubts as to whether or not you can trust your BF (you say he's lying to you), and you're also finding the crass way he talks about other women rather off-putting. With this in mind, I think I'd be inclined to put the wedding back a little until I was completely sure that he's the right man for you.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Some guys are stuck in the mind of a 16 year old boy. Thankfully some will come out of that if they know they are hurting you. Have a frank discussion with him and give him a dose of reality. Let him know that crap is not ok with you and you won't tolerate it. 

All of us have a little bit of that dog in us and thats ok we were preprogrammed to be that way. Its how we perpetuated the spiecies. But this isn't 5,000 years ago and so now that dog needs to be chained sometimes.

Hopefully he will chain himself if he realizes how it hurts you. Once you have told him though he is responsible to control that little boy inside!


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Well I did chat with him and he said again he doesnt really talk like that LOL I said yeah ya do then he proceeded to say well no matter what I say my herat belongs to you...IS THIS JUST A LINE OF BS?


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

Why did you see a need to snoop on his cell phone conversations? Tacit snooping is one thing, but installing a "spy" on his phone seems more radical unless there was real cause to do so.

How old are the two of you?

He says his heart belongs to you but actions speak louder than words. You've confronted him several times about it (based on what you've said in this thread) and each time he flat out denies it. You're at an impasse - you either drop it or present him with the evidence. Since you snooped and you KNOW he will be angry about this, you need to be prepared to give a rational, calm reason why you thought that level of snooping was necessary.

So explain why here and see what others say. I'm just having a hard time believing that his crude comments are the only issue here.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I felt the need to spy as the past with him has been quite a few lies..contcating an ex and me seeing the email but then sitting there and lying to my face...me ctaching him looking out the window just to see the neighbor..his constant talk of ex g/Fs when we first started dating..I started reading his work emails and saw he was emailing this girl at work constantly little jokes saying how she made his day etc..When I snooped on his calls I heard him trying to keep her on the liune just to chta calling her nicknames etc...I have trust issues form my past and he seems to bring tehse out 100%..I told him when we got back together that plesae dont lie to me again..and guess what he did ..this was about driving a young girl to work and saying to his buddies at work that he coudl see her underwear and that she was strching like a cat..he seemed excited to tell his work busddies about this...well when I said I knew what was said he got angry and said I never told you ebcae thsi is how you would react..well I tried to quiently explain yes i am upset with teh li and also what I hear him say..and he said its just guy talk it means nothing..The problem I am really ahving is how an I believ anything he says I am trying relly I am but when he says he loves me and he owuld never cheat is this just another lie..I am at my wits end and I seem to doubt everything he says now..maybe If i didnt hera his conversations with his workmates that I would not be this upset


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

do i juts stop obsessing and believe what he says to me..he comes home and gives me a hug and kiss..tells me i am the sexiest woman alive left a note in my bad today telling me how much he loves me and that I am his entire life..


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

oh one more thing I said to him he flirts with women alot and he said its not flirting I just torment the girls and is that the case i torment guys alot to..Does that mena Im flirting with men as well? I didnt know what to say


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

He is immature and disrespectful.
Not ready for marriage.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Why does he want to get married I wonder? Please guys help me out here


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I also should mention he had a drinking problem a few years back and I caught him lying about where he was when I was at work..THE BAR of course..


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

You ask if you can believe him when he says good things to you. Bluntly, you can't. He lies and you know it. Even when he knows you know it, he still lies. Be honest with yourself. Even if you "_love all the good things about him_", you're still only in love with half a man. The other half is not worth the heartache.

You also need to realize you deserve better. It doesn't matter why he wants to get married or why he says his heart belongs to you. You aren't obsessing about, you're struggling with the inconsistencies between his actions and his words. If you have nothing else to go on, trust his actions not his words.

Again, you deserve better. You can't change him, you can't fix him. Marriage won't change him. Marriage won't fix him. You're not happy now, that's unlikely to change either until you decide you deserve better.


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## PAC (Sep 20, 2012)

Let me get this straight:


He's crudely talking about other women with his buddies and then lying to you about it
He's contacted his ex before and also lied to you about it
He has a history of drinking problems, which he also lied to you about
You are insecure enough about him that you will install a spy on his phone
You are "disgusted" with him
And you still want to get married?

I can understand a lot of what he is doing, but the lying is a bid red flag to me. It sounds like he has had a history of lying to you, and you keep trying to overlook it.

First off I would suggest to definitely postpone or end the engagement. Marrying someone you don't trust will only make things worse. After you stop the wedding, you should re-evaluate whether or not you still want to be with this guy.

It sounds like he is justifying lying to you to keep himself and you from being hurt. It is an easy way to justify this kind of behavior, but it still causes a hell of a lot of problems down the road.

Did he have a good father figure? Is he really close to his mother? When you are upset with him, does he tend to appease you or try to withdraw as soon as possible? If you are in a bad mood, does that automatically put him in a bad mood? It sounds like he is trying to fit too well in the situation that he's in. That in combination with lying makes me wonder if he could be a Nice Guy.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I really wnat to thank everyone for the comments...His father wa sa drinker but never cheatred on his Mom...He is sorta close to his Mother...When I am upset he says whats wrong and tries to hug me but because i knwo so much my mind wanders and gets furious for what I have heard him say..I just want him to stop with the commenst but how can i when he doesnt know I listened in on his conversations..Lying yes has to stop I ahve said that and I relaly am at my last straw with this...Why bother yo be with someone if youre lying to them all the time? I will never understand this guy..when I broke up with him last year for 3 months due to his problems he bacme depressed wouldnt leave his house was as his sister told me they were scared for him..I just dont get it if he feels that way about other women why are you with me? I have asked him that questions time and time again and his response if because I LOVE you and I dont wnat anyone else..I am so frustreaed that I wish i had never said yes to him now..Maybe I was expecting different answers and I go to counselling to deal with my insecurity issues due to my upbringing in an alcoholic abusive home...so maybe I am being crazy to be so protective of him talking to women all the time or making comments It hurts me so much


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

I can't really give any advice apart that lots of male friends I know, whether in a relationship or not, still talk about attractive women when were together. From my girlfriend I know that her female friends aren't really that much better in that aspect. Hope you can resolve the issue.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

DT4379 said:


> Why does he want to get married I wonder? Please guys help me out here


I can see that you see EXACTLY what is going on here - its just that you will not listen to yourself. Let me be harsh here since, well this is only an internet discussion forum - so take from it what you will.

I know your type, and his.

Yes he wants to get married. Yes, he probably loves you - thats why he asked you to marry him. But (and this is important) this does not mean that he is not immature and behaves in ways that bother you - he is in fact, an a$$ - and not very bright as he thinks you are stupid too.

You on the other hand - are failing to see that both can happen. That he loves and is marrying you, but that he seems to be a bit of a goober and loser at the same time. You know exactly what he is like, you have seen it repeatedly. You are not confused - but your desire to marry this guy - your elation at getting married - the happily ever after roadmap you are creating in your mind - is going against your gut feeling that something is wrong.

---

I've been with my wife 25 years. I have seen lots of marriages - relatives, friends, co workers. One thing I believe is that it is rare for someone that behaves like a jackass to ever 'grow out of it'. I dont mean that people dont grow up or that good people dont do stupid things. I have done plenty of stupid things. If you marry this guy - you should go into it accepting what you can see with your own eyes and feel in your heart. If you go into it hoping for something else, or that he will change... you are doing only that... hoping - and that is not a very good starting point whan you look at it is it? 'Hoping for better'. Listen when people say 'marriage does not make things better'. Things are going to get *harder*, and getting married isnt going to suddently make him behave differently because you are married. It doesnt work that way. 

Here - peek at this. And listen to youself. If you have doubts - wait another year - there is no big rush. How long have you known him? Yes it seems like a disaster to put it off now that everything is in motion - but its not the end of the world to make sure you (and he) are doing the right thing as a couple.

"...In the first scientific study to test whether doubts about getting married are more likely to lead to an unhappy marriage and divorce..."

Should I marry him? / UCLA Newsroom


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks so much another guy I have known him 4 years now and I know Im difficutl as well and I should not be so insecure but I have been like this before with other guys so maybe its me maybe Im to blmae for some of the actions? I wont tolerate being disrecpetced anymore I know that and I have in no uncertain terms said that and I will leave if I have to I have a great career my own home and no kids so I dont need him for anything actually and he knows this..Maybe I need to wokr on me maybe I need to act like I dont care that he talks this way maybe Im to sensitive as I have been told..


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I also would also like to say that ..or ask...Is he the type that will cheat eventually as this is one of my biggest fears and he said and I have asked him point blank..he would never cheat he would rather walk away then do that as he was cheated on before....and it hurt really bad....He also was engaged before but on;ly for a month...we are both in our 40's...


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

DT4379 said:


> I also would also like to say that ..or ask...Is he the type that will cheat eventually as this is one of my biggest fears and he said and I have asked him point blank..he would never cheat he would rather walk away then do that as he was cheated on before....and it hurt really bad....He also was engaged before but only for a month...we are both in our 40's...


I wouldnt say that being crass is a predictor for cheating.
Its just a predictor for behaving the same way.

---- you are both on your 40's - Im glad to hear that. That means you both have seen some of life which is good. I hope you (both) figure it out. 4 years is long enough to have a good idea - especially if you have been living together.

Whatever happens, good luck.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

God I hope so to ..


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I personally don't know how you can ever trust him if he has a history of lying to you. Something seems off from what you're telling us about him. I agree postpone the wedding.. things only get harder and problems are only magnified once you get married.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I personally don't know how you can ever trust him if he has a history of lying to you. Something seems off from what you're telling us about him. I agree postpone the wedding.. things only get harder and problems are only magnified once you get married.


Hi kim i know i should postpone i just dont think he will take it well i think or i should say i know he will walk away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It's guy talk. Most of us have said things like this in the absence of our wives. We're men.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> I personally don't know how you can ever trust him if he has a history of lying to you. Something seems off from what you're telling us about him. I agree postpone the wedding.. things only get harder and problems are only magnified once you get married.


Hi kim i know i should postpone i just dont think he will take it well i think or i should say i know he will walk away
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

some guys are all talk. I look at other women, but I don't act on it.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks Tonyarz I appreciate your comments Maybe I am oversensitive and overeating to this and if his actions change and he starts to act different then maybe I should worry?


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Thanks as well sinnister again I guess it is just men talk and if you dont act on it then I guess its okay to a point.


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

in my experience, he will more likely cheat if he gets the chance. To be honest, most men will do if they get chance. This is the world we live. 
I'm a middle eastern man. I live with many people from many nationalities around me. 

Don't give me that look 
I never cheated my wife. Just said what men are doing usually.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

How come you never cheated then if thats what the standard is for all men..


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

DT4379 said:


> How come you never cheated then if thats what the standard is for all men..


I said most of them are doing that, not every 1.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

well I commend you then if you would never cheat on your wife and maybe there are men out there like you who have the same values and respect


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## shenox (Sep 12, 2012)

DT4379 said:


> well I commend you then if you would never cheat on your wife and maybe there are men out there like you who have the same values and respect


yes, of course. Might be the one you are going to marry is good. Some people just tell when talking with friends many things, but they really don't mean to do that. We also did that, when talking with friends, ohhh that girl is beautiful, sexy, etc and etc. 

Treat your husband good and be honest. Most probably he will do the same to you. Psychologically when you do something good to someone, they are in debt for you and wanting to do the same for you. 

Wish you a happy marriage


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

Thank you and I do hope you are right about him although many people here have recommended the opposite that i postpone because of many lies he has told..In time I guess I will have my answer...Y


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

I wanted to say thanks to everyone here for your advice and comments I had a quick talk with my finace and somethings and thsi morning after I sent him a quick hello email saying how much I love him etc this is what he writes back

*Hey ‘Ole-Maid-Future-Wifey’…hahahahahaha… I can’t wait, only a few more months… I’m the luckiest man alive, and I can’t thank you enough for having me in your life… We’re going to have a wonderful future together… Anyways, gotta’ run and get back at ‘er… I hope you have a great day and be careful out-n-about… I’ll email ya a little later… *><:>U2…*

I hope he means what he says and that I am not analzing to much I once was told men write what they eman so for now Ill just take it at face value and hope it all works out


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## 360H (Sep 25, 2012)

Hi DT4379 - I've read the whole thread and try to understand your position. 

Sure, married or unmarried, guys do talk about women all the time when they are with other males. Much of that is harmless. Single males can be very vulgar in expressing their desire for women, depends a lot on upbringing, common etiquette etc. 

Among married men, it's obviously not unusual for even loyal husbands to refer to certain women as "hot" or "sexy," but as the comments escalate in levels of vulgarity, it shifts from harmless to unusual to downright creepy.

Let me tell you that habitually using language like _"I want to cuddle to that for a few hours" _is very questionable behavior, particularly because (1) he is expressing a specific course of action he wants to take, which is typical with adulterous types, (2) he is already in his 40's (it's a juvenile comment, and bordering on pervert or "dirty old man" territory), and (3) nearly ALL loyal Husbands simply don't get that specific... 

Taken in context with the other things you mentioned (driving younger girls to work, talking about seeing her underwear, lying etc)... you have some MAJOR red flags that are signs of a cheating future. If it's like that NOW during the engagement period, it's likely to just keep going and maybe even get worse once he's sure you're "all in" to him.

You say you're very concerned that he will cheat... whether he's gonna cheat is a bet I would take any day of the week! (I'm married 27 years, have countless married friends, colleagues, relatives, and I've seen a lot of marriage train wrecks). 

There is every sign of it here. Sure, a "fairy tale" might happen, but right now the odds of the risk you're about to take with a guy like this are against you. The odds say that you're headed to that road you already passed before. I'm just telling your the odds, please don't kill the messenger 

I hope this helps, best of luck to you.


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

360H said:


> Hi DT4379 - I've read the whole thread and try to understand your position.
> 
> Sure, married or unmarried, guys do talk about women all the time when they are with other males. Much of that is harmless. Single males can be very vulgar in expressing their desire for women, depends a lot on upbringing, common etiquette etc.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DT4379 (Sep 21, 2012)

DT4379 said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I do agree wirh you and maybe i am trying to belive he is or never will cheat i wont shoot the messenger as i thank u for ypur reply so u think he will cheat maybe thats why i feel so amxious and i snoop gut feeling i suppose....maybe he is marrying me for monetary rwasons or plain security i feel he is very insecure altjough he wpuld never admit that lol when i did ask his opion about if he heard me tallimg about guys all the tome wpuld he feel i wantrd to sleep with them he said i do ant care what u say anput guys and go sleep with them then
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Okay, I've read all 4 pages now and let me be blunt.

He's a crass, immature, semi weak willed (hides the truth to avoid confrontation of it) liar. Now this doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you A LOT. It means he's going to lie to you to avoid confrontation and he's going to be sophmoric when it comes to other women. Will he cheat...ehhh probably not, he probably would've already. But that last issue is a guess.

Now YOU...are VERY insecure both about yourself with esteem issues and your relationship. You have reasons to be insecure because of his lieing, but I think your insecurity goes deeper than that. 

Could you both have a great marriage...it's possible, but so is the Cubs winning the world series.

Insecure (W) + crass liar (H) = Less than 100% stable marriage with plenty of fighting to go around. Are the positives of your relationship stronger than these negatives. When you figure that out, also compound the issue that the positives will generally lose impact over time while the negatives always INCREASE and cause resentment.


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