# Don't want to call it quits, but not sure what else to do...



## labs_2011 (Jan 14, 2011)

I am sorry for this long post....

I have been married for 5 years. We have one daughter together(4) and another one due in a couple of months. We also have his son from a previous marriage that lives with us (8). We have had difficulties in our marriage for a couple of years, and we seem to work them out but it usually is a temporary solution and after a few weeks we are back to square one. I find myself wanting to leave the relationship, but I still love him and don't want really want to 'throw in the towel'. I need some help.

Problem #1: The amount of intimacy has greatly decreased. At the beginning of our relationship we had alot of fun. When I was pregnant with our daughter it was still going okay until the doctor put me on bed rest and said no more. Since that time things just haven't been then same. I do try to but it seems that even when I do all he does is complain or make jokes about it. After 3 years of this I am no longer sexually attracted to him and I find myself doing it just because I feel like he is owed it. He can tell that I am not enjoying it and that just makes the situation worse.

Problem #2: We are in a lot of debt. He has wonderful ideas about making money, but they never seem to work out. But, he also feels like he has to be in control of our incomes. We both work full time, and the amount of money we bring home we should be fine. But we aren't. Currently, we agreed to go on a budget. He decided that he would create the budget, when we sit down to discuss it, he has an arguement for everything. I personally don't think we need to have a seperate budget for eating for lunch, restaurants, fast food and beer. But we do. I try really hard to stick to my half of the budget and I save what I can from the 'categories' I don't agree with. But I do know we need to home improvements and take care of things for our kids, so I don't hide what I have saved. So that means I am having to spend extra on things because he hasn't saved anything. I wouldn't mind, but I see him coming home with stuff we don't need, and spending money going out with his friends.. which brings me to...

Problem #3: He is always out. Normally he is out at least 2 nights a week and one day on the weekends. That is his 'scheduled' things. When he is home he is either watching TV or playing a video game. Meanwhile, I am trying to clean up after him, and keep the kids entertained. Then after a couple of weeks he gets all upset that the house isn't clean and spends a couple of hours tidying (which translates to just getting stuff up off the floor) and then getting mad at me when I just want to rest. (Let me remind you that I am 7 months pregnant right now). I don't get out much anymore, because he usually has something planned and I have to stay home and watch the kids. 

Problem #4: The kids. My husband raised his son by himself from about 18 months till he was 3 years old. Then I was here. We didn't talk about my role in the son's life, it was just assumed that i would take on the role of the mother. His mom is still in the picture and sees him occasionally. I don't necessarily agree with this for numerous reasons. His mom is not the most stable person, and she only has time for her son when she doesn't have anything else going on, and half the time she calls and cancels anyway (there is more to this story but that would make this alot longer, and it is getting long enough). Meanwhile, I am expected to pay for his (the son's) health insurance, daycare expense, school expenses and anything else that may come up (at least half some cases I cover it 100%). I have two daughters now that I want to do things with but feel like I can't because I have to do things for the stepson. Meanwhile, the husband just ignores the kids most of the time. Until I have enough and breakdown and start crying then he takes over for the day. The kids fight, the stepson is actually a little violent. I don't know how common it is for and 8-yr to hurt himself when he get upset but that is what he does. Lately when he gets upset, he starts to lash out at his little sister. My husband likes to tease the kids, and the stepson is starting to do the same. I don't agree with how my husband has been raising them, but it is hard to correct them when he lets them get away with whatever when I am not looking.

I am sorry that this post is so long. I haven't really talked to anyone about this, and there is a lot of frustration that has built up over the years. I don't want to call it quits, because there are moments when I see the man I fell in love with, and I am not sure how much is the hormones from pregnancy and the fact that I have kept it all inside. But I am so far from being happy that I don't know if it is even worth it to talk about. Overall, my husband is usually a decent guy and his son deserves a good mom. I just don't know if I have the energy to keep trying to fill the roles they deserve. I also know that I am guilty about not being the cleanest person in the world, and I have sat the kids down in front of the tv for some time alone. but I just feel like I am trying more in this relationship to make it work then I ought to. That is not really a balanced partnership.

Any suggestions?


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have some thoughts, though it sounds like an uphill battle. 

Problem #1: Less clear on this. What kind of complaints? What kind of jokes? Can you give more details?

Problem #4: one comment. When you marry a person with kids, then the kids become your responsibility too. Too. Not alone. More on that later.

Problems #2-4: You have been letting him get away with murder for too long.  Time for some effective limit setting. (God I sound like a broken record). You are in the considering divorce section, so I assume you are. Tell him. Tell him you have had enough and if things don't change you are out. The explain to him the changes you are going to make. 

Change 1. You are taking over the finances. Having read Total Money Makeover (which I HIGHLY recommend), you are going on a budget that YOU are going to make. He is going on an allowance. This budget is going to get you out of debt. Period. Entertainment will be funded, but not to the exclusion of the families NEEDS. 

Change 2: You are setting the limit whereby you will not clean up after him. If he leaves stuff lying around, there it will lie until he cleans it up or hell freezes over. In order to maintain your spaces, get a few laundry baskets to throw his crap. One for his laundry which you are not going to do anymore. When he wants to get mad at you for the house, he can clean it up. And you are going to insulate yourself from the anger by walking away.

Change 3: You will be going to marital counseling. You hope he comes. But if he doesn't, you will go alone. Very often spouses don't like the thought of their partner "bad mouthing" them without being there to defend themselves. But if you wait until they go willingly, they won't go.

By changing YOUR behavior, by enforcing personal boundaries, hopefully you can change HIS behavior. He won't like it at first. Angry confrontation may occur. Deal with them calmly. If it gets heated, say WHEN you are ready to speak calmly, THEN we can resume this conversation.

In the sex department, I can't help but imagine that the resentment you feel over the other issues contributes. But it is worth a conversation with him about it.

Sounds like your husband may be a decent guy who has never called upon himself to grow up. Perhaps you can be the impetus for his growing up.

S


----------



## labs_2011 (Jan 14, 2011)

#1 - The comments are mostly about how I am acting during. I try to be into it, but like I said the want to do is just not there. He likes to joke around that the only way he gets me in the mood at all is by getting me drinking. Which i don't like to do. He does comment that I need to lose a little weight. Before pregnancy I was 5'8'' and weight right about 130. He has an issue with women who are even slightly over weight. 

As for the stepson, I expected to be a parent to him. I have do not have much of issue with that, I also expected to have more of say with the raising of him though. I cover half of his daycare, all of health insurance, all of his extra school stuff. I am pretty much footing the grocery bill as well. But I really have no say on how he is raised. And his mom likes to complain about we are raising him when she doesn't do anything for him. But this one issue should probably be in a seperate thread. I guess it boils down to I would have felt about better by the entire situation if we had discussed it first, rather then him just assuming I would do everything the way he felt was best. 

As for the Total Money Makeover, yup read that and that is were he got the idea to do the zero budget. But his idea of that doesn't quite meet up with the idea I thought he was portraying in the book.

I have tried leaving his mess lying around, but then a month passes and his stuff is still there. I don't want my kids living in that kind of mess. 

I have thought about marriage counseling, and I will probably give that a shot. I know he won't do it thought because he went through counseling with his first wife and didn't like it much. But like I said I really don't want to divorce him, I was brought up that once you agree to be with someone for the rest of your life, then that is what you do. You stick it out.


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

labs_2011 said:


> #1 - The comments are mostly about how I am acting during. I try to be into it, but like I said the want to do is just not there. He likes to joke around that the only way he gets me in the mood at all is by getting me drinking. Which i don't like to do. He does comment that I need to lose a little weight. Before pregnancy I was 5'8'' and weight right about 130. He has an issue with women who are even slightly over weight.


I am not really getting a nice, pleasant vibe off your husband. He does not sound very nice! Of course, when problems arise, and we try to get solutions, we only talk about the bad. 

Maybe in your big talk you can mention how your resentment and his behavior has impacted your interest in sex. The weight issue is another one altogether. I can understand weight and attractiveness. I can understand love me, love me any way I come. It is a sticky wicket. But he sure as hell should not be complaining about it then expecting you to be in the mood! Duh.



> As for the stepson, I expected to be a parent to him. I have do not have much of issue with that, I also expected to have more of say with the raising of him though. I cover half of his daycare, all of health insurance, all of his extra school stuff. I am pretty much footing the grocery bill as well. But I really have no say on how he is raised. And his mom likes to complain about we are raising him when she doesn't do anything for him.


Why don't you have a say in his stuff when with you, which sounds like the majority of the time? Do you have a discipline strategy that is different for him and your girls? If so, why? That makes no sense to me.



> But this one issue should probably be in a seperate thread. I guess it boils down to I would have felt about better by the entire situation if we had discussed it first, rather then him just assuming I would do everything the way he felt was best.


Yah. It would have been better if that issue got raised a while ago. How does this apply to the kids you have together? Add that to the list of things to discuss!

Have you BEEN speaking to him about these issues? How has that gone? 



> As for the Total Money Makeover, yup read that and that is were he got the idea to do the zero budget. But his idea of that doesn't quite meet up with the idea I thought he was portraying in the book.


LOL! The guy talks about that. He doesn't have his gazelle like intensity, it sounds likek.



> I have tried leaving his mess lying around, but then a month passes and his stuff is still there. I don't want my kids living in that kind of mess.


Laundry baskets. When he goes to find his socks and they are with his beer cans and fritos wrappers, he might wake up a bit.



> I have thought about marriage counseling, and I will probably give that a shot. I know he won't do it thought because he went through counseling with his first wife and didn't like it much. But like I said I really don't want to divorce him, I was brought up that once you agree to be with someone for the rest of your life, then that is what you do. You stick it out.


Unless he is a lazy, shiftless, selfish lout. Was that my out loud voice?!?! 

I am not a fan of your husband so far...


----------



## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Oh on the issue of "brought up." There are always going to be things we keep from our upbringing and things we pitch. One thing to consider, you also weren't brought up to teach your daughters that the correct model of a relationship is for Mom to do everything while Dad complains...


----------

