# Boundaries in Engagement/Marriage



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I know this is a big question, but my fiancé asked me to draw up a list of boundaries to honor in marriage/engagement as he's recently stepped over one relating to helping an ex girlfriend. To me, it seems common sense, particularly because I've asked repeatedly for NO contact, but apparently he wants me to spell it out. 

What are the boundaries you consider in your engagement/marriage?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

If it's something you wouldn't do with your significant other in the room, don't do it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm going to sound like a broken record... But if you feel (or he feels) that EVERY boundary needs to be spelled out explicitly, you're not in a position to consider a committed relationship. The biggest issue... The list is likely to come back and bite you on the ass, because you weren't explicit enough. Or you were TOO explicit, and give him a loophole he can work with.

C


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I agree with Frazzled, and will also say that we have no explicit boundaries, but that anything we may do or want to do that could even remotely be construed by normal social standards as questionable, we'll discuss first. And even things we've agreed on as being okay, we'll still check with each other to sure they're still okay in current circumstances. Basically, we don't take anything for granted, and know that things can change at any time.

For most people, I'd say don't have sex with anyone else unless you have specific permission, and don't get emotionally close to anyone else without discussing it with your spouse - back off if it seems to be happening.


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> If it's something you wouldn't do with your significant other in the room, don't do it.


Yeah, that.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Btw... I'd love to see what his list looks like...

1. Don't get caught.
2. See #1

C


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> I'm going to sound like a broken record... But if you feel (or he feels) that EVERY boundary needs to be spelled out explicitly, you're not in a position to consider a committed relationship. The biggest issue... The list is likely to come back and bite you on the ass, because you weren't explicit enough. Or you were TOO explicit, and give him a loophole he can work with.
> 
> C


I agree. I shouldn't have to do this and I don't know if I even can. He'll just say he can't remember all of that. 

There are boundaries such as him not saying I'm acting like a b*tch like my mother that I need to end, however. He pulls it out in arguments and really, really gets under my skin.

Ugh. He was a real a$$ this morning. Telling me to "take a pill" and aforementioned deflection and blaming me. Saying that I need to "love" not "hate". I told him he doesn't know how act lovingly when his partner is hurt by his broken promises and lies. 

Just so upset.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I agree. I shouldn't have to do this and I don't know if I even can. He'll just say he can't remember all of that.
> 
> There are boundaries such as him not saying I'm acting like a b*tch like my mother that I need to end, however. He pulls it out in arguments and really, really gets under my skin.
> 
> ...


Time for the two of you to take a break from your relationship.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I think he is being kind of snotty. He does not seem to agree on the ex-girlfriend thing. Maybe you aren't a good match. Some people can have friendships with exes and both partners are fine with that. I'm not saying that you are being unreasonable. If you are not comfortable with their friendship that is fine. But maybe it would be better to find someone who feels the same way about exes.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PoohBear

No. I can maintain boundaries. I can be friends with a person of the opposite sex and even if they feel attraction toward me I know how to fend them off. I lay boundaries for THOSE people. 

It's him. He has cheated many times (but hasn't in 7 months) and HE freaks out about me and other men for NO good reason AT ALL. He asked me to quit my job at the yoga studio I teach at p/t because the owner (a male) sees me in downward dog if I take a class from him. If you only knew my personal lack of interest in my boss you would understand how laughable this is!) I've already quit one well paying job for this guy and moved for him. I barely make ends meet. This is an unreasonable request. 

They walked down this famous lit up street right before Xmas with her and her kids. It's a romantic thing to do in our city. I was really hurt. I think it's reasonable for me to lay boundaries.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If your F is asking for a strict set of boundaries, then he is not ready for a committed relationship. However, anyone with a conscience knows what they would or would not accept as permissible. Perhaps he is testing the waters to see what you will tolerate. Good luck.

ETA: After reading your last post what on earth makes you want to stay with this guy? He's cheated but not in the last 7 months, he's walking with his ex and her kids in a romantic setting and he is demanding "boundaries" from you. What does he have you cannot live without? Certainly not boundaries. Now I really wish you luck because if you stay with him your gonna need it.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Well, you're all probably right. My thoughts exactly. Idk how he can make me out to be overreacting. When I tell him it's inappropriate he says, "I guess you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't see it that way."

Here's what I came up with. Idk if I should even share it with him or not: 


There is no place for ?personal ?friends of the opposite sex" (who are straight). The only time one should be alone anywhere with a person of the opposite sex is when you AND I are there together with that person (the exception is of course your or my family or a therapist or medical doctor if in for an appointment). Note that just because your kids or her kids are there that should still be considered "alone". In other words when no other adults are present. 

School/work hours:

You are NEVER alone in a room with a person of the opposite sex unless that person and you are waiting for someone else to arrive (e.g., a grade level meeting...or as it relates to me: waiting for students to arrive to take a yoga class).

No spending lunch time together with a person of the opposite sex.

No dropping in to a person of the opposite sex's class to say "hi" and flirt with/play jokes on...who is of the opposite sex. 

No driving in a car alone (even if with kids) with a person of the opposite sex outside your or my family. 

OUTSIDE school/work: 
No spending time physically (in person), texting, emailing, texting apps, social media (unless we give each other the login info to the sure...e.g., Instagram), etc. unless work-related during school hours and related to the job...e.g., coordinating a joint grade level activity) one-on-one with a straight member of the opposite sex.

And in case I haven't made it clear enough: No physical contact with anyone of the opposite sex at all (including hugging).

Secrets are appropriate for birthdays and Christmas only. Secrets and lies are cousins. Secrets are unexpressed lies and have no place in a close relationship. Sharing financial information is requisite.

Do not tell each other that we are like or are behaving like each other's parents or their relationship. (It is never helpful ever.)

No contact via text, email, or online with another person of the opposite sex in a one-on-one conversation unless through a company you are trying to solve a technical problem with (e.g., chatting with a representative trying to login to your bank acct) 

Any person of the opposite sex who texts who is not in your or my family and we do not work with = no response via phone, text, or email unless communicated to one another. 


Appropriate reactions to potential problems: 

XXX sends you a text to turn on the lights in her class. Do not text her back, but turn on the lights in her classroom. 

A member of the opposite sex texts you that their car broke down and doesn't know how to fix it. Either text me and tell me what's going on or do not reply.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

foolscotton
Tell him you need a few months break from the relationship said:


> Hahahaha!


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## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

I'm not lucky like you OP to have a fiance' or husband. But I do have a boyfriend, eventhough we just got into an argument last week, lol
As for boundaries, when a couple love and respect each others; they just "naturally" know what the boundaries are without have to write it out in rules on paper.

Example like I like listen to Chinese music. My BF doesn't even understand Chinese, let alone listen to it, lol
I like to watch Chinese DVD, he like to watch NFL Football.
In religion, I'm Buddhist and his family is Christian.
In politics, I'm Conservative/Republican and he lean more toward Liberal/Democrats.
His culture is VERY different from my Chinese culture. But somehow 'naturally' we just know that we need to respect each others cultures.

As for boudaries, mine was "No cheats, No lies, No drugs, No gangs" rule, and he abide to that.
We promise that we will make an effort to talk things through; never bring it to bed, or hold grudges against each others.

And we just know it 'naturally' that since we are in an (exclusive) committed relationship. We need to keep a clear boundaries when dealing with the opposite sex or ex's. Like not to being keen on keep in touch with ex's or get close to them. 
Or like he not gonna to give his # out to girls that interested in him when he work out at the Gym. And I'm not gonna to give my # out to male customers that interested in me when they come shopping my at my Retail job. 
Ofcourse things like NO sleep with other people behind each others back; this we don't even need to write it down, we better KNOW it, lol

Sorry couldn't be more help. I am struggling in my own relationship right now, so I don't think I qualify to give you any inputs. 
But I do wish Good Luck to you, and your fiance' in your future journey together as husband and wife. 
Take care Ms. OP


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

OP, why don't you ask him to write what he thinks your boundaries are. He is spending time with you. He should by now know them.

I agree with the argument that your writing those boundaries is not a good idea. Your life will change and those boundaries will evolve.

Right now you are focused on boundaries regarding the opposite sex. What about financial boundaries, Alcohol/drug, clothing, etc...

And please, don't waste your time with this guy if he is not worthy of you.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

foolscotton3 said:


> Uhhhhg,
> 
> Cant you two just get a book on boundaries, and read it together.
> Why put yourself through all this, he is just going to nit-pik, and fight you on every boundary.
> ...


We did. It's called. "Not Just Friends"


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Mr. broken Record here.. No offense intended... But if my SO came to me with your set of rules, my response would be something like "It was great knowing you!". 

Primarily, they demonstrate a huge lack of trust that I doubt could be rebuilt to an "acceptable" level. There's just no point in putting anyone through the pain of trying. IMHO, and based on my values and experiences. Yours, obviously, may vary.

Second, if your guy is going to cheat on you, it doesn't matter WHAT rules you have. He's gonna flirt with Susie the receptionist, and he's just not going to tell you. Or he'll text his friend, and just delete the texts.

Just my $0.02 worth. 

C


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Boundary questions for OP and her husband:

1. Is oral sex cheating?

2. Is it okay to walk in when someone is taking a dump?

3. Can I reach over and grab food off your plate at a restaurant?

4. No dutch ovens

5. No using the C word in an argument.

That's a good start :smthumbup:


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Didn't you have a thread yesterday about your financial situation and then his cheating was brought into it...why did you delete that thread? 

He is borrowing money from you and not paying it back. 

He's cheated several times with ex girlfriends.

This ex you're talking about now is also a current CO-WORKER (you left that part out).

He left to go to her house when you two had a fight.

You guys don't live together now, I think it's different cities...right?

He refuses to tell you how much he owes the IRS

This guy is a loser. You aren't married to him. You don't have kids with him. Get out of the relationship before you mess you life up....


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

What staarz said


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> PoohBear
> 
> No. I can maintain boundaries. I can be friends with a person of the opposite sex and even if they feel attraction toward me I know how to fend them off. I lay boundaries for THOSE people.
> 
> ...


Oh no. This guy sounds like a complete loser. You shouldn't have to quit a job for anyone! Why are you still with him? He needs to go.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> Mr. broken Record here.. No offense intended... But if my SO came to me with your set of rules, my response would be something like "It was great knowing you!".
> 
> Primarily, they demonstrate a huge lack of trust that I doubt could be rebuilt to an "acceptable" level. There's just no point in putting anyone through the pain of trying. IMHO, and based on my values and experiences. Yours, obviously, may vary.
> 
> ...




Dear Mr. broken record, 

Point taken. He ASKED me for a list. I don't think my list is unreasonable. Considering the fact that he's cheated. The consequence of cheating is no one on one female alone in one room. Idk I don't think that's unreasonable. 

But I do hear you. I'm going to tell him I'm not going to do it. After 2 1/2 years of dating and 9 years of knowing him... He should know better. 

Thanks. I know. You're trying to shake "crazy" out of me.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Well, you're all probably right. My thoughts exactly. Idk how he can make me out to be overreacting. When I tell him it's inappropriate he says, "I guess you're right. I'm sorry. I didn't see it that way."
> 
> Here's what I came up with. Idk if I should even share it with him or not:
> 
> ...


This is not healthy. I would not marry him and get out of the relationship. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I know this is a big question, but my fiancé asked me to draw up a list of boundaries to honor in marriage/engagement as he's recently stepped over one relating to helping an ex girlfriend. To me, it seems common sense, particularly because I've asked repeatedly for NO contact, but apparently he wants me to spell it out.
> 
> What are the boundaries you consider in your engagement/marriage?


Is this one of the ex's that he cheated on you with?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

http://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Marriage-Dr-Henry-Cloud/dp/1480554995


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This guy is not marriage material. He's 45 years old, living paycheck to paycheck, cheating on you, now he does not know what proper boundaries are in a relationship.

Surely you can do better than this. Is this really the life you want?


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> This guy is not marriage material. He's 45 years old, living paycheck to paycheck, cheating on you, now he does not know what proper boundaries are in a relationship.
> 
> Surely you can do better than this. Is this really the life you want?


You're right. And nope. It's not. He hasn't cheated physically in 7 months. He's a fool though. Back to the luring me with words. Here's the silly conversation:

Me: 
If u r asking for boundaries you are not ready for a committed relationship. Anyone with a conscience knows right from wrong. You know texting, calling, and spending time with any female, much less someone who you've had sex with oversteps boundaries . It's only been 7 months since you cheated on me. You knew it was wrong because you didn't tell me. I need someone who is always going to think, "would I think this is okay?" Can you be that person?

Him: 
Ur just 2 good 2 b truE Kant take my eyes off u

Me: 
If you can't take my eyes off me then why were u spending time with someone else ? If you're eyes are on mine then you'd know mine would be cast down if I knew you were sharing ur energy with someone who you used to have sex with.

Him:
Ur just like heaven 2 touch

----
Don't you want to smack him ?!


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I know...the whole thing is painful and I need to stop posting because the whole thing is ridiculous and unless I break up with him I'm just b*tching.

He'll just say I need to lighten up and offering to loan his car was nothing and I'm overreacting.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> You're right. And nope. It's not. He hasn't cheated physically in 7 months. He's a fool though. Back to the luring me with words. Here's the silly conversation:
> 
> Me:
> If u r asking for boundaries you are not ready for a committed relationship. Anyone with a conscience knows right from wrong. You know texting, calling, and spending time with any female, much less someone who you've had sex with oversteps boundaries . It's only been 7 months since you cheated on me. You knew it was wrong because you didn't tell me. I need someone who is always going to think, "would I think this is okay?" Can you be that person?
> ...


He's 45 and doing stuff like that? I would expect that from a 25 year old maybe. Dump this guy. He is a loser.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

First off, how do you know he hasn't cheated on you in 7 months? Because you haven't caught him? Forgive me if I don't share your trust... Aren't you two in different physical areas? If so, how long has that been the case?

Second, as I mentioned in your other thread... His text messages alone are grounds enough for cancelling your engagement. He's 45, right? How old are you, btw?

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Oh, and both his responses are BS non-responses. Which I'm sure you realize.

C


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I know...the whole thing is painful and I need to stop posting because the whole thing is ridiculous and unless I break up with him I'm just b*tching.
> 
> He'll just say I need to lighten up and offering to loan his car was nothing and I'm overreacting.


I'm sorry it's painful.  Don't believe anything he says. You deserve so much better than this.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I'm 41. 

I don't think he's cheated. His MO is past exes and I'm in contact with all of them. But...you're right.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> Oh, and both his responses are BS non-responses. Which I'm sure you realize.
> 
> C


Absolutely. I don't know how to respond. I want to see his phone bill


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Absolutely. I don't know how to respond. I want to see his phone bill


What's the delay in getting that? And keep in mind you've likely only got one shot at that... Once you indicate you want to see it, there's about 17 dozen apps that will let him send and receive text messages in ways that won't show up on his bill

C


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Absolutely. I don't know how to respond. I want to see his phone bill


My response would have been something like "Please answer the question. In English". And then nothing else until he answers properly. He doesn't even respect you enough to answer you. Probably assuming (correctly?) that you'll let him off the hook if he babbles enough.

C


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > Absolutely. I don't know how to respond. I want to see his phone bill
> ...


That's what I wrote. 

He answered:

Kuz u walked out on me and left me in a place bymyself

See, I told him he had to go back to his job at the end of the summer because he didn't get a job here. 

My reply: 
That doesn't answer my question. You walked out on me when you cheated and later, when you didn't get a job (again) down here. 

Him:
U kept teln me 2 kumbak

Me: 
That still doesn't answer my question. Is that an excuse for your emotional (and possibly physical) affair? 

Just WOW! Is it pay back because I told him he had to go back and be responsible (I.e., that I wouldn't support him financially)???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> You're right. And nope. It's not. He hasn't cheated physically in 7 months. He's a fool though. Back to the luring me with words. Here's the silly conversation:
> 
> Me:
> If u r asking for boundaries you are not ready for a committed relationship. Anyone with a conscience knows right from wrong. You know texting, calling, and spending time with any female, much less someone who you've had sex with oversteps boundaries . It's only been 7 months since you cheated on me. You knew it was wrong because you didn't tell me. I need someone who is always going to think, "would I think this is okay?" Can you be that person?
> ...


He is obviously not taking you seriously. He thinks that if he says sweet things you will forget about his cheating, him going out with the ex recently, the finances, etc.

This is a window into the rest of your life if you stay with this guy.

Can you get your old job back.. the one that paid better?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I'm 41.
> 
> I don't think he's cheated. His MO is past exes and I'm in contact with all of them. But...you're right.


If they cheated with him, are they really going to tell you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> That's what I wrote.
> 
> He answered:
> 
> ...


Yep. There are a lot of women on here who have a good job. They marry a guy who either has to quit to find a new one like your fiancé, or who lose their job, and these guys never work again. They decide that her income is enough. 

I would not be surprised is that was his plan. And then you blew it for him by making him responsible to support himself (good for you!).


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Oh , wow. Things just got crazy. At Xmas we got in a fight because my brother texted me while I was out with him for drinks telling me dinner was ready. My bf was drinking and took my phone and texted " ur butt" to my brother. In my family, we don't talk like that to one another. I grabbed my phone and without a word left. After that my bf went to hang out with that woman he works with (who he's had sex with) to that lit up holiday street. So this is our dialog tonight:

Him: 
Ur the one who left

Me:
You left me alone and by myself. The expectation was that you would come down here and get a job. The expectation prior to that was that you'd be faithful. I left because YOU CHEATED on me! Physically...emotionally. That is grounds for leaving someone. 

Him:
U left kuz i said ur butt 2 X u dork

Me:
Again: you're not answering my question...but your response is interesting. It sounds like an excuse for your lack of respect and consideration. Oh, that? That gives you free reign to CHEAT on me? And hurt me? Wow. Us getting in an argument constitutes you running to another woman who you've had sex before? Do you see how hurtful that is and cruel? What if we got in a fight and I ran to a person I had sex with? And this doesn't even account for hanging out at her house in December prior to when I flew up. You say you don't like drama but the truth of the matter (and every woman who knows you...especially X) will agree that you are the one who creates it. There would be NO drama if you respected boundaries. At work...and especially in your personal life. You crossed boundaries with texting my brother AND with hanging out with her, helping her, and hanging out with her, and presumably continuing to text her on matters unrelated to work. You say I disrespected boundaries when I rented out my place that I pay for alone to someone without telling you. I really didn't see it that way since YOU broke up with me and we were in limbo. But you know what? The next time someone was to stay in "our " bed I ran it by you...when X stayed here for a week watching my cat. You repeat the same thing over and over and knowingly. It is purposeful...and it only serves to shoot yourself in the foot if you want there to be "us". And you know what...if marriage is what you really want then you'd safeguard that for sure by not putting other women above the person you want to be your spouse.

You know what his response was????

Him: 
Ok


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Well, we broke up. 

He told me that he now wasn't going to come down here until End of Feb. I said "who says you're coming here at all?"

He replied "Im signing off. Thanx 4 finaly saying that. Its the signpost i was looking 4 at my fork in the road."

This is after he said, "Maybe x is exaktly wat ur looking 4. Uve all seen and fantasizd about each others privates. Its why u all keep going back. But u all klaim ur all so damn spiritual-and thats wy u do yoga. But ur all a bunch of unprepared fonies taking pix of ur food and stretching and plastering it all over the net klaiming 2 be a bunch of amerikan yogys. Or maybe u shud go bak 2 ur asian boyfrind-it seems like u kan only handle a small one anywas. Im sure ul be much happier. Those guys r perfekt 4u. So either pull urself 2gether and shutup or keep making stupid decisions like u used to. Im tired of ur viktim b.s."


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

How did you ever take anyone seriously, for even a minute, who insists on texting like that? That wasn't a giant red flag to you? HOW?! *baffled*


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Well, we broke up.
> 
> He told me that he now wasn't going to come down here until End of Feb. I said "who says you're coming here at all?"
> 
> ...


Whose privates does he say you're fantasizing about? 



*googling nearby yoga classes*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cobalt said:


> Whose privates does he say you're fantasizing about?
> 
> 
> 
> *googling nearby yoga classes*


Bad boy!!! :rofl:


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I've never received anything so horrible ever. He's a monster. I need to catch a flight in the morning and I don't know how I can sleep.,


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

He's talking about the owner of the studio where I teach. That guy is insane for thinking that. I don't think like that. And that what I said made him break it off goes to show you how weak the relationship really was.,

I'm throwing his surfboards and $400 bike in the dumpster.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> He's talking about the owner of the studio where I teach. That guy is insane for thinking that. I don't think like that. And that what I said made him break it off goes to show you how weak the relationship really was.,
> 
> I'm throwing his surfboards and $400 bike in the dumpster.


Don't throw them away. Put them up for sale and get the $$. Use it to offset the money he has never paid you back.

ETA: He's a guy who cheats on you. Yet he has the audacity to try to make you quit jobs and make accusations about yoga classes. Do you realize that he's a control freak. What you are seeing now is the start of him really pour out the abuse. If you were to take him back now.. what's in store for you will be much worse.

Did his ex ever say anything about him being controlling or abusive?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I've never received anything so horrible ever. He's a monster. I need to catch a flight in the morning and I don't know how I can sleep.,


Not for nothing but his spelling is pretty bad too


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Cobalt said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > I've never received anything so horrible ever. He's a monster. I need to catch a flight in the morning and I don't know how I can sleep.,
> ...


It's all on purpose. 

He wrote me one more text: 
Besides-i dont think u kan handle me. Im a trailbreaker. Im doin stuff that u sheep wil be doing no sooner than 5 years from now. U guys r 2 busy showin each other the nasty food u kooked 4 dinner garnished with dill on instagram and then patting each other on the bak while u wear ur sweatshop yoga pants thinking u feel sexier, while evrybody aktualy thinx all of u ur nasty and are wondring wy ur dresd like that wen ur old enuf 2 b a grandma. It dusnt mean ur slo. Ur not. Its just who u are. I need sumbody who kan think 4 themselves and wears real klothes not made out of elastic or spandex.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > He's talking about the owner of the studio where I teach. That guy is insane for thinking that. I don't think like that. And that what I said made him break it off goes to show you how weak the relationship really was.,
> ...


No. She's got it together with her job, but is mostly insane. She cheated on him. It messed him up. She cheated on him before they were married with his brother too.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > He's talking about the owner of the studio where I teach. That guy is insane for thinking that. I don't think like that. And that what I said made him break it off goes to show you how weak the relationship really was.,
> ...


I don't care about $. Maybe you're right about his stuff. He can be vindictive though...I do that...he does something worse. He cannot come to my place ever though and I'm not spending any more $ on him. I used to think... If we broke up... I'd put it in a storage unit.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I hate when he says I playing the victim with him. That I need to get MY sh*t together????

Just disappointed. He'll never change.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Remember that what comes out of his mouth says more about him than it does about you.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I know. He doesn't get it. He's jealous and controlling. His "love" angle that he tried earlier today didn't pan out for him. He saw he was being held accountable and wouldn't own up so lashed out. When I specifically told him he wasn't in control of the situation...he flipped. 

And now I'm stuck in that city all week. I'm going to go in to his school (where I used to work) and hand him back the ring next week there. We worked together for 9 years. It will be hard, but it will provide me with some closure. He can not ever accuse me of not trying. I only fought for the relationship...not to win for myself. It was like banging against a wall, I guess.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I guess I would just mail the ring back to him. There comes a point when seeing him in person does nothing. The break up on via text and he was very instrumental in that breakup. That alone was so disrespectful that I would not spend a moment of my time seeing him in person.

Closure is a nonsense word. It's not a real thing. You will not get some magical closure that that makes you feel better if you see him. Not after this nonsense that he's been pulling.. not after the cheating, the hiding of finances, him not paying you back money, and on and on. 

The best closure you can get is to just move on with your life. Maybe just drop his stuff off at this place when he's not there. Or give it to one of his ex's to give to him. That seems fitting.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Well, I can't drop it off. It's 2 surfboards and a bike...clothes. I live 1,000 miles away. The ring is not of any financial value.


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## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Calming down a little. The 2 Tylenol pm, Rescue Remedy, and melatonin only helped in reducing my heart beating a thousand miles an hour.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Well, I can't drop it off. It's 2 surfboards and a bike...clothes. I live 1,000 miles away. The ring is not of any financial value.


Oh yea, I remember about the ring now... why bother giving it back to him? Or if you really want to , just put it in an envelope and mail it to him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Calming down a little. The 2 Tylenol pm, Rescue Remedy, and melatonin only helped in reducing my heart beating a thousand miles an hour.


If you stay on the computer it will be harder to go to sleep. The light from the computer screen prevents the body producing and using melatonin.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I know. My heartbeat and breathing are just messed up. Have to get up to catch a flight at 5:30. I'm going to try putting on some music. 

He made me a promise and it's my own fault: I believed him. And now my mind is trying to wrap itself around the idea of life without him...he has some good qualities. It will be very hard for me despite his words. I know he does not mean them.


----------



## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

"There is no place for ?personal ?friends of the opposite sex" (who are straight). The only time one should be alone anywhere with a person of the opposite sex is when you AND I are there together with that person (the exception is...... "

Strictly speaking you can't be ALONE with someone when you are both there together so that's a pretty redundant statement actually. 

Why would you consider any sort of relationship with someone when you thought those rules were needed?


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

WonkyNinja said:


> "There is no place for ?personal ?friends of the opposite sex" (who are straight). The only time one should be alone anywhere with a person of the opposite sex is when you AND I are there together with that person (the exception is...... "
> 
> Strictly speaking you can't be ALONE with someone when you are both there together so that's a pretty redundant statement actually.
> 
> Why would you consider any sort of relationship with someone when you thought those rules were needed?


The whole idea was stupid. I've jumped through so many damn hoops. Last night I got tired of it.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I don't WANT my old job back, EleGirl. I worked with both of them!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm sorry you're going through this pain, but better now than after you're in the same city and/or married. You did the right thing. Let him go be a trail breaker.

C


----------



## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I know. My heartbeat and breathing are just messed up. Have to get up to catch a flight at 5:30. I'm going to try putting on some music.
> 
> He made me a promise and it's my own fault: I believed him. And now my mind is trying to wrap itself around the idea of life without him...he has some good qualities. It will be very hard for me despite his words. I know he does not mean them.


I'm sorry you're going through this.  I know it's painful going through a break up.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> It's all on purpose.
> 
> He wrote me one more text:
> Besides-i dont think u kan handle me. Im a trailbreaker. Im doin stuff that u sheep wil be doing no sooner than 5 years from now. U guys r 2 busy showin each other the nasty food u kooked 4 dinner garnished with dill on instagram and then patting each other on the bak while u wear ur sweatshop yoga pants thinking u feel sexier, while evrybody aktualy thinx all of u ur nasty and are wondring wy ur dresd like that wen ur old enuf 2 b a grandma. It dusnt mean ur slo. Ur not. Its just who u are. I need sumbody who kan think 4 themselves and wears real klothes not made out of elastic or spandex.


Boo! Boo this man! Boo! 

I'm a big fan of women in yoga pants!


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Cobalt said:


> Boo! Boo this man! Boo!
> 
> I'm a big fan of women in yoga pants!


Me too! God was on his game and gave a gift to all mankind when he inspired someone to invent those! Nothing better to distract you in the lineup at Starbucks!  

C


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> Cobalt said:
> 
> 
> > Boo! Boo this man! Boo!
> ...


I can't figure out his aversion. He says women who wear yoga pants look like they are in a Shakespeare play. He also said that they wear them to hide their flaws. I think that's total bunk. Quite the opposite is true.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I can't figure out his aversion. He says women who wear yoga pants look like they are in a Shakespeare play. He also said that they wear them to hide their flaws. I think that's total bunk. Quite the opposite is true.


Yea, just do a google image search and you can see that they do not hide any flaws.. they accentuate flaws.

His issue with yoga pants is that it's something he can use to pick on you. He resents you doing yoga and teaching it. So it's all about that.


----------



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I can't figure out his aversion. He says women who wear yoga pants look like they are in a Shakespeare play. He also said that they wear them to hide their flaws. I think that's total bunk. Quite the opposite is true.


they look hot


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

Wow. 

And I thought my love life was fvcked.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> There are boundaries such as him not saying *I'm acting like a b*tch like my mother* that I need to end, however. He *pulls it out in arguments* and really, really gets under my skin.
> 
> Ugh. He was a real a$$ this morning. *Telling me to "take a pill"* and aforementioned deflection and blaming me. Saying that I need to "love" not "hate". I told him he doesn't know how act lovingly when his partner is hurt by his broken promises and lies.
> 
> Just so upset.


Maybe you're just not aware, but healthy relationships don't include this. Nor do they include the man having to be TOLD not to chat up an ex.

You're dating a person with abusive tendencies, if not already full-blown abusive. It does NOT get better with marriage, IT GETS WORSE, once he 'owns' you.

Please reconsider this.

What has your dating life been like?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Me:
> If u r asking for boundaries you are not ready for a committed relationship. Anyone with a conscience knows right from wrong.
> 
> Him:
> Ur just 2 good 2 b truE Kant take my eyes off u


The abuser's #1 strength is charm. They turn it on and off like magic, to SMOOTH YOU OVER when you're pulling away. Once you're safely back in his camp, you're once again the b*tch like your mother, to cow you and keep you in your place.

Please read THIS book. Alone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> He answered:
> 
> Kuz u walked out on me and left me in a place bymyself
> 
> ...


The SECOND best trait of an abuser is to blame YOU for everything. You made me cheat on you. If you'd only been sexier/better in bed/prettier/nicer, I wouldn't have had to.

And did he even go to high school? I know he didn't graduate with that spelling.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I can't figure out his aversion. He says women who wear yoga pants look like they are in a Shakespeare play. He also said that they wear them to hide their flaws. I think that's total bunk. Quite the opposite is true.


He only said that because it's what you like to do (and because it makes you attractive to other men). If you were a rodeo cowboy on the side, he would have said that cowboy hats are dumb.

The #3 trait of abusers is to tear down everything you're proud of so you feel worthless.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > There are boundaries such as him not saying *I'm acting like a b*tch like my mother* that I need to end, however. He *pulls it out in arguments* and really, really gets under my skin.
> ...


My dating life has been relationships that usually lasted no longer than a year and a half. I broke up with most of those men because I did not see any longevity due to incompatibility as it related to lifestyle (e.g., one man was wonderful all around, but a white collar alcoholic), a few were close friends, but no real chemistry...

One man who I lived with got caught on the verge of cheating (long story)...

I have never been a back to back dater...when I was young I was caught up in my career and dated only casually. I could go several years (on purpose) without dating anyone...not necessarily on purpose... I just was into my own thing...gardening, yoga, home decor, work, dance.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > Me:
> ...


What he often says is that I'm "playing the victim." I don't think I'm playing the victim...I think that I am! I'm only playing it by staying with him.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > He answered:
> ...


He has a masters degree. As I said...it's all on purpose.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> LittleFluffyClouds said:
> 
> 
> > I can't figure out his aversion. He says women who wear yoga pants look like they are in a Shakespeare play. He also said that they wear them to hide their flaws. I think that's total bunk. Quite the opposite is true.
> ...


I never thought of that...you're probably right.

Yesterday he textede and said he does not want us to break up and said he didn't mean any of those things... He needed to send "a nuclear arsenal" because I had been hounding him for a week and that he's being "awesome" here (actually "awsum" because he can't stand spelling conventions). I beg to differ...


----------



## HisPresence (Dec 13, 2014)

No offense OP, but your man is 45 year olds and he text use those type of shortcut words? It make me dizzy trying understand from his texting style.

I was similiar to OP back in the younger days. When I was young, I didn't date neither.
I left my parents house when I was 18, pretty much out on my own and working to support myself. At the time I didn't have the mind to date at all. What on my mind that whole time was how to come up with money to pay rent, or else I'm going to end up in the Homeless Shelter. 
My first priority wasn't dating, it was holding down a job to pay rent and bills. 

Time sure fly by fast like a blink of an eye. It took me almost a decade later to begin dating my current boyfriend. Should have meet him earlier, I lost out almost ten years of my youth and beauty, lol 

As for OP topic regard boundaries. I DO have boundaries with my BF, very loud and clear too. 
My boundaries/deal breakers are "No Lies , No cheats, No Drugs, No Gangs" and fortunately he abide to it, he always keeping his promise.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> My dating life has been relationships that usually lasted no longer than a year and a half. I broke up with most of those men because I did not see any longevity due to incompatibility as it related to lifestyle (e.g., one man was wonderful all around, but a white collar alcoholic), a few were close friends, but no real chemistry...
> 
> One man who I lived with got caught on the verge of cheating (long story)...
> 
> I have never been a back to back dater...when I was young I was caught up in my career and dated only casually. I could go several years (on purpose) without dating anyone...not necessarily on purpose... I just was into my own thing...gardening, yoga, home decor, work, dance.


Sounds like you have a bad picker, then. What does your IC say about your choices in men?

A really good book about that is Getting The Love You Want, which explains why we pick who we pick.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> He has a masters degree. As I said...it's all on purpose.


When people do that to me, I respond with "try writing this more legibly so I can understand it" and do not give anything else back until they do.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> What he often says is that I'm "playing the victim." I don't think I'm playing the victim...I think that I am! I'm only playing it by staying with him.


Abuse victims get tied up into trying to defend how they feel. Knock it off. You feel what you feel. It's HIS problem if you don't like what he does - unless you keep going back for more.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> Yesterday he texted and said he does not want us to break up and said he didn't mean any of those things...


Like I said, charm.



LittleFluffyClouds said:


> He needed to send "a nuclear arsenal" because I had been hounding him for a week and that he's being "awesome" here .


Blaming you, and making you feel jealous and insecure to lure you back in.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Btw none of my boyfriends and I ever fought or argued much AT ALL. I remember the first time he said something rude to me. I was totally set aback. I'm 100% certain that no man I've been with had ever spoken to me in a rude way EVER. I remained friends (talking once every now and then) with most of my exes after we broke up...they'd moved on and got married or were in serious relationships. No interest on revisiting those relationships, however.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

turnera said:


> And did he even go to high school? I know he didn't graduate with that spelling.


His spelling is text spelling. People who do that leave out vowels and/or use some phonetic mix of letters.

He's a school teacher.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> I never thought of that...you're probably right.
> 
> Yesterday he textede and said he does not want us to break up and said he didn't mean any of those things... He needed to send "a nuclear arsenal" because I had been hounding him for a week and that he's being "awesome" here (actually "awsum" because he can't stand spelling conventions). I beg to differ...


He's a teacher, right? What subject does he teach?


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> His spelling is text spelling. People who do that leave out vowels and/or use some phonetic mix of letters.
> 
> He's a school teacher.


So? I'm writing this from my phone. Legibly. Even when I had just T9 abilities, I STILL had enough respect to be freaking legible. 

Serious pet peeve of mine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

vms said:


> So? I'm writing this from my phone. Legibly. Even when I had just T9 abilities, I STILL had enough respect to be freaking legible.
> 
> Serious pet peeve of mine.


No one on TAM would read a post that was spelled like the texts the OP's exbf sends.

My point was that he's texting and a lot of people use that kind of "spelling" when sending short texts.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> vms said:
> 
> 
> > So? I'm writing this from my phone. Legibly. Even when I had just T9 abilities, I STILL had enough respect to be freaking legible.
> ...


He doesn't have a smart phone or iPhone.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Not the point. The point is that you tolerate it.

"What? You asked me a question? Sorry, it wasn't written in King's English, so I didn't realize you were actually saying anything worth responding to."


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You've broken up. Are you still communicating with him?

C


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't think she should be dating at all for now.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

IMHO, it rarely works out to try to step back in a relationship. In any case, I suspect he's already dating "non-exclusively"...

C


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> I don't think she should be dating at all for now.


Why ?


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> IMHO, it rarely works out to try to step back in a relationship. In any case, I suspect he's already dating "non-exclusively"...
> 
> C


I saw him last night. It took a shot of tequila and 2 beers for me to relax talking to him. I don't drink normally, by the way. I'm trying to sift through the lies. Idk why I give him the time of day. Part of it is that I really just want to know the truth. He tried to get me to drive out to see him at his work. I said no. That I wasn't coming to him anymore. He'd forgotten that I was even coming to visit this week. I took off this week from work. If he is cheating though...he's a better liar than I give him credit for. I am the ultimate sleuth though. After the first time he cheated I learned how to pick up on clues and do detective work. 

I caught him in another lie last night...said he emailed Child Support yesterday. He must have been tipsy enough to let that out. He said he opened a new email address because I told him no he didn't I'd checked his email. His son had opened it for him which I know for sure because I emailed his son saying we wanted the password. I told him weeks ago I was uncomfortable with him opening a new acct and he said he wouldn't. Note that the acct name is really immature (imagine that !) there is no way he would use it to talk to women based on the name. 

He'd texted me first thing yesterday morning asking when he would get to see me, but then went in to work and I didn't see him until 4:30. I just thought it was so odd when he knew I was in town and he had the day off. 

He wanted to have me get my nails and hair done. He knows those are things I used to do that made me feel good. Said he'd pay for it (tomorrow, as he gets paid tomorrow). I said that he should save up for filing for bankruptcy.

As it relates to seeing people outside the relationship. I'm loyal (to a fault), but I understand why someone suggested it. I know what you're thinking...that I don't have perspective.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It takes people months, years sometimes, to get 'out' of a relationship, mentally. Your brain works as it works. You can't make yourself get over someone, be glad he's gone, whatever. We see it over and over here, that people 'feel' fine, go on to date, and then end up in some sort of trauma for jumping into another relationship too soon (not to mention how it affects the person you're dating).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

foolscotton3 said:


> What do you gals and guys think about OP dating non-exclusively for awhile?


I think it's up to her. It might be a way to make a better choice.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He forgot you were coming to visit him? Sweet jeepers! 

C


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> He forgot you were coming to visit him? Sweet jeepers!
> 
> C


He said "Wat? No way! Awsum."

Me: I told you . We talked this week.

His reply: "My job hac my brain"

You know I'm have three jobs and I don't forget anything he says...I don't forget when he tells me his son has a swim meet next week. 

Today he asked if i wanted him to put me on his car insurance (to save me $). He also talked about moving down at Spring break. I finally told him last night how I moved away from my friends and family for us. He texted me in the middle of the night telling me that he's reconsidering since I don't like it there. He missed the point.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Things have gone from bad to worse. Tonight he said that I am evil and dark and not positive like him (and can't take a joke). He said I was acting crazy and possessed.

I know I need to get out of this. I can't even believe he would say things like this to me. I'm so broken hearted. I trusted him again with my heart. I can't stand this because there's no justice. What he's saying is so unfair.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I blocked his number. I wish I could block his emails too. I've tried to do this before. It doesn't work.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why not?


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> Why not?


I don't know. It still ends up coming through. I think he's nuts after those crazy texts the other day and then last night calling me evil, dark, possessed, etc. he told me I can't take a joke (he thinks a funny answer to everything is "ur butt") when sometimes I just want a real answer and I tell him. Surely there must be better men out there than this. I have NO idea how he can blame me for ANYTHING. He continues these relationships with these women though we agreed we wouldn't (maintain friendships with OSMW).

I also loaned him $ again the other day (bought him groceries). I'm just going to write it off. He'll point the finger at me about the whole thing and make things up to people I used to work with, but I think I need the craziness to end. I have no idea how he can say I'm psychotic and evil. I mean...Evil????


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> he told me I can't take a joke


Abusers always say that.

Time to grow up and cut him out of your life. Change your phone number, do whatever it takes. You're ACCEPTING him inserting himself in your life, for whatever reason. Figure that out.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> foolscotton3 said:
> 
> 
> > What do you gals and guys think about OP dating non-exclusively for awhile?
> ...


He would never go for this. He's changing his entire life around for me. He wants 100% assurance I'll stay. A friend (colleague) said, "he messed up your life by letting you spend move there. Now you don't have a ft job and are 1k miles away from your family. If he moves there and it doesn't work out that's his problem.

I feel so confused. I can see how I may come across as an idiot entertaining continuing the relationship. I will read some of the books you suggested.

Yesterday, his son got suspended and I guess his ex wife and he had a huge blowout about it (she blamed him/yelling) openly in front of his son. He took off. He told me, "you would have been proud of me. I was good. I didn't slash her tires." I honestly think he has an anger management problem. He blames me and says I do. I've known him for 9 years...he is very good at hiding it publicly-comes across as cool and collected, but from my experience with him...

He took the day off work to talk to me. I need to stay level headed.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If you give him 100% assurance you'll stay, he's got no reason to change his behaviour...

C


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

PBear said:


> If you give him 100% assurance you'll stay, he's got no reason to change his behaviour...
> 
> C


True. I am meeting with him today. He said more awful things before he backed down yesterday. I'm going to repeat to him what he said and he'll say he didn't mean them, but I know he does. 

I just had a long talk with my mom about her relationship with my dad, which was fraught with arguing...blow out fights and lacked intimacy. She still doesn't think he has her back. I disagree, but agree as it relates to lack of emotional intimacy. I do have that with X but the truth of the matter is that I do not trust him. Yesterday, he took setting me up on his car insurance off the table (which is honestly fine by me. I don't want to get anymore tangled up). I wish we could just respectfully end it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's up to you now.


----------



## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Stop talking to him...that's how you respectfully end it. Just leave him alone. Ignore him. Keep his number blocked, immediately delete emails, etc...


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm puzzled as well. Your words say you want to end the relationship, but your actions say you want to to continue playing the drama games. Which one is it? 

C


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

I don't want to keep playing the drama games. I keep waiting for the drama games to end, but apparently they do not. 

He apologized on Thursday. Took the day off work and we had some good discussion, but now that I'm back home I realize it's definitely not enough to base a marriage on. He told me he'd come visit once/month so we wouldn't have this distance, because the problems in large part stem from lack of trust and since he has cheated so much ...then I get here and send him flight info and he says: 

"My monies almost out and im trying 2 meet some goals so we wil see. At the very least, we wil kum down at spring break."

Initially he was going to come alone in feb, then through text he asked if his son could come in Feb and now he wants to bring the whole crew end of March. That's two months away. I just don't trust him to be faithful that long.

Going to start distancing myself. I'm too wrapped up in this.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're not his priority.

Never were.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

turnera said:


> You're not his priority.
> 
> Never were.


You're probably right. I know cognitively this is not okay. But he's so emotional and deals with things immaturely. I can't figure out why I excuse it! 

My mom is visiting me right now. My family is completely against the relationship. I agreed to fly home to see my previous therapist. They said they'd pay for it. I was in such a better place 3 years ago. I told her nothing about what's transpired in the past year...only good things (because that's what you're supposed to do in a commited relationship, right?) she just mentioned how the tears seem to come too easily...that I'm extremely sensitive and she is intensely worried about me.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Your mom knows the truth. Mine did too but she wouldn't say anything because I wouldn't say anything. It wasn't until right before she died that we discussed it. I could have used her advice SO MUCH over the years, if I would have only told her the truth. But I was too ashamed of who I'd married.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> School/work hours:
> 
> You are NEVER alone in a room with a person of the opposite sex unless that person and you are waiting for someone else to arrive (e.g., a grade level meeting...or as it relates to me: waiting for students to arrive to take a yoga class).


Look I don't know what is going on in your relationship or how much of an overstep he did with the ex, but I can tell you this - this thing above is a bit on the crazy side. Why? Because there are many times he's going to come across a person of OSF in daily dealings where it's necessary and not mischevious. Example: me grabbing a coffee at work while IT guy is in there. Doesn't mean we are boning, it means we work in the same space and have to cross paths.

If you need a ton of rules for him because you don't trust him or he has violated your trust, it may be best to just let this one go. Seems you're not on the same page.


----------



## LittleFluffyClouds (Jan 14, 2015)

Thanks jellybean.

I know in my heart you're right. These rules should be unspoken. 

Last night he brought up having a baby and then would hardly talk about it. Sent me a link to this youtube video: 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=peMs26UXjQM

This whole thing is confusing and heart wrenching. I do love him very much. None of us is perfect, but I do not trust him is the bottom line. I think his intentions are good, but when it comes down to it...he's selfish and lacks maturity. He handles his emotions immaturely...his finances...raising his own children.

My parents told me pointe blank that they refuse to ever see him again due to him having cheated on me the weekend of Thanksgiving 2 1/2 years ago. That weekend he came over to are to my parents house for TG and fell asleep on the couch while she was making TG dinner. He slept with me that Thu night, another woman Fri, another woman Sat and then me on Sunday. He hasn't sent his taxes in for several years (although he said he has, I don't believe him. They know about this.) They said he lacks moral fiber. I think this crazy behavior is over and he's trying to fix things slowly, but I'm not convinced based on his weird outbursts toward me...none of which they know of. I'm close to them, so I'm having a hard time defending him.

I have an appt with my psychiatrist (I have ADHD) in 2 weeks in my old city. My parents offered to fly me home for it. He convinced me to go off meds 3 years ago. Ive been on them since I was a child. I'm wondering if they will help me see things more clearly. 

Just feeling down right now and very, very conflicted. Heart wrenching is the correct term.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> My parents told me pointe blank that they refuse to ever see him again due to him having cheated on me the weekend of Thanksgiving 2 1/2 years ago. That weekend he came over to are to my parents house for TG and fell asleep on the couch while she was making TG dinner. He slept with me that Thu night, *another woman* Fri, *another woman* Sat and *then me* on Sunday.


Your parents are right.

You are wrong for even considering staying with him. There is something seriously wrong with you if you would consider staying with a man who does that. Don't you see that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

PBear said:


> I'm going to sound like a broken record... But if you feel (or he feels) that EVERY boundary needs to be spelled out explicitly, you're not in a position to consider a committed relationship. The biggest issue... The list is likely to come back and bite you on the ass, because you weren't explicit enough. Or you were TOO explicit, and give him a loophole he can work with.
> 
> C


:iagree:

Gee..I did not sign up for that. You get the idea.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

LittleFluffyClouds said:


> "My monies almost out and im trying 2 meet some goals so we wil see. At the very least, we wil kum down at spring break."
> 
> Going to start distancing myself. I'm too wrapped up in this.


ugh....I hate his cool guy spelling what a douchenozzle


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