# Where do I go from here?



## DestroyedNZ (Jun 27, 2018)

Wow, finally a place where I can get advice - good or bad - truthful and honest...

My story is a long and complicated one. It started over 20 years ago when I first cheated on my now wife, then girlfriend with a woman from work.

I'll cut it short but since then I have re-offended on multiple occasions and I've led a pretty interesting life of infidelity outside of my marriage.

My wife has found out about these "experiences" on 4 occasions, each time taking me back into her life, and there's so much more that she does not know about and I'm not going to destroy her any more than she already is so those go with me to my grave.

This is difficult for me because she seems to be coping better with my indiscretions better than I am.

My problem is this. I REALLY love my wife so very much, but I'm addicted to the other side that I have experienced.

She is an incredibly brave woman for taking me back.

I have tried to support my W through this as much as I possibly can. Quitting my job and taken one that means that I am able to be with her as much as I possibly can. 

All of the other people involved in my indiscretions have been eliminated from my life. I have not continued to lie and the OW are definitely not in my life, nor do they live in the same city (my previous job that I quit involved a lot of travelling). 

My W seems to have this intuition that I am still lying and cheating, regardless how much I try to console her and make her feel secure again. I know that I should do the right thing by her and I'm now feeling that I should end our marriage. We have 2 young children and I know that a separation and/or divorce will hurt them so much.

I really don't know what to do! Stay and keep working on my marriage or go and take the consequences that come with it?

Please help me. :crying:


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

You are a serial cheater, similar to being an alcoholic, possibly you are a sex addict.

Sign a post nuputal with your W giving her everything if you ever even flirt with another woman.

Wash your junk with industrial detergent then get STD testing.

Write out a timeline with details for everything you've done while cheating for your W to read.

Take a polygraph with questions approved by your W, offer to take another anytime she asks.

Stand by the local highway with a flourescent sign saying what you did.

Confess to the Husbands or SO of the women you have had affairs with, allow them to punch you in the stomach, then thank them for the hit.

After doing all that you have suffered 10% of what your W has.

Tamat


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Spill the beans. Let your W make the decision. It is no longer yours. And stop lying. Does no one any good. Good luck.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If you love her.
File for divorce. I was in her position, you are going to tear her soul apart...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Give your wife her freedom, tell her why, tell her you cannot ever be faithful to her. She will make the decision for you. She deserves better.


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## DestroyedNZ (Jun 27, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> You are a serial cheater, similar to being an alcoholic, possibly you are a sex addict.
> 
> Sign a post nuputal with your W giving her everything if you ever even flirt with another woman.
> 
> ...


This is true. I have acknowledged to myself that I am a serial cheater AND a sex addict. As for signing a post nup giving her everything...that just isn't going to happen. WE'VE both worked very hard together to get what we have and I'm going to take what is rightfully mine...should the need arise.

STD testing has been done for those occasions where I wasn't protected, and I'm pleased to report that all is well.

I think that if my W knew the timeline of everything, there's no way on earth that she would even consider continuing to live. Now remember, I DO LOVE HER. It's not like I want her off the face of the earth!

Take a polygraph? What would that achieve? And there's no real need to go advertising what I've done. Only our families know what's happened between us so why tell the world?

For those women that I've had affairs with who have husbands, the husbands were present and consensual so that's not an option.

And I think that 10% would be an overstatement.. I am very much so struggling to deal with what I have done.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

DestroyedNZ said:


> This is true. I have acknowledged to myself that I am a serial cheater AND a sex addict. As for signing a post nup giving her everything...that just isn't going to happen. WE'VE both worked very hard together to get what we have and I'm going to take what is rightfully mine...should the need arise.
> 
> STD testing has been done for those occasions where I wasn't protected, and I'm pleased to report that all is well.
> 
> ...


This is so effed up to read yet I still want to laugh....at YOU. How ****ing arrogant you are. You want to leave her so you won't hurt her? WTF is wrong with you? Oh yeah, you love your ego stroked by woman after woman and still keep the mother of your children on the hook. You think you're so damn important that she's going to off herself over YOU? You seem to enjoy this way too much for someone posting under the guise of loving his wife. You don't know love or jack**** about much else, it seems. 

Lol, you sound soooo full of **** and yourself. What do you need to "fix" you? Your wife to see a therapist, get some self esteem, figure out you're not doing her any favors to stay with her and that you're nowhere the badass woman crushing stud you seem to view yourself to be.

Yeah, I didn't think when I read your opening post that you REALLY wanted some sound/square advise on how to "change". You just love tooting your own horn so much that you think it was super cool to come to a forum full of people that have had bad marriages/been messed around on and share your "story". 

She's going to wake up one day. And when she's done, she is DONE. Trust me I know this...I KNOW. And it's not going to be pretty for you when your marriage implodes.

God help your children. They deserve better than you and so does your wife.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

There are three principles on marriage builders one called extraordinary precautions, radical honesty and the other just compensation. 

The extraordinary precautions means you're not going to do anything to make your wife uneasy or make it seem like you are cheating again, this might mean never going to any restaurant you took OW to, getting rid of male friends who knew what you were doing or anyone else who turned a blind eye. 

*STD testing has been done for those occasions where I wasn't protected, and I'm pleased to report that all is well.* Actually you will need to check yourself regularly for oral and penile cancers because of HPV.

*I think that if my W knew the timeline of everything, there's no way on earth that she would even consider continuing to live. Now remember, I DO LOVE HER. It's not like I want her off the face of the earth!*

Then you continue to lie and there is little hope for you to recover as she has an intuitive sense you are still omitting the full truth. I suspect some of the OW are still in your life if even indirectly and may spill the beans to your W some day. 

*Take a polygraph? What would that achieve? And there's no real need to go advertising what I've done. Only our families know what's happened between us so why tell the world?*

Because your W should not have to be forced to act happy when people ask her about her marriage, she is under no obligation to conceal your crime against her. You lose the big shiny pickup truck, the sports trophies and your reputation rather than forcing her to suppress herself. 

Tamat


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## DestroyedNZ (Jun 27, 2018)

VibrantWings said:


> This is so effed up to read yet I still want to laugh....at YOU. How ****ing arrogant you are. You want to leave her so you won't hurt her? WTF is wrong with you? Oh yeah, you love your ego stroked by woman after woman and still keep the mother of your children on the hook. You think you're so damn important that she's going to off herself over YOU? You seem to enjoy this way too much for someone posting under the guise of loving his wife. You don't know love or jack**** about much else, it seems.
> 
> Lol, you sound soooo full of **** and yourself. What do you need to "fix" you? Your wife to see a therapist, get some self esteem, figure out you're not doing her any favors to stay with her and that you're nowhere the badass woman crushing stud you seem to view yourself to be.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your reply and I'm quite taken aback from it. I've hurt my wife so very much and I can't believe that I became that person who would possibly do this.

FYI, both my wife and I have gone through quite a lot of counselling already and it's not over. I see every day what effect this has had on her and it destroys me.

TBH, I'm not surprised that you've gone through a previous relationship because you seem to me to be the arrogant one here.

Coming to a forum full of people that have had bad marriages/been messed on is because I want to get the opinions from people who HAVE been through this and what THEY have done to resolve their marriages and get them back on track. Not to be called (basically) a "horn tooting, arrogant, so called woman crushing stud".

Thanks for nothing.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Well, she has accepted all your previous indiscretions without divorcing you, so she probably wouldn't be too upset by a few more. This isn't healthy though for you or your family. Either you accept that you are in a marriage and dedicated to your family OR choose the single life and have randos for the rest of your life or atleast until you can get it up. Its not fair or healthy to have both (unless you are in one of those weird open relationships).

Be an adult, make a decision. Your wife and kids. Or sex with kinky females and part time dad. Don't be a jerk any longer and try to have both.


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## DestroyedNZ (Jun 27, 2018)

TAMAT said:


> There are three principles on marriage builders one called extraordinary precautions, radical honesty and the other just compensation.
> 
> The extraordinary precautions means you're not going to do anything to make your wife uneasy or make it seem like you are cheating again, this might mean never going to any restaurant you took OW to, getting rid of male friends who knew what you were doing or anyone else who turned a blind eye.
> 
> ...


So what I have done is support my W through this as much as I possibly can. I've quit my job and taken one that means that I am able to be with her as much as I possibly can. 

All of the other people involved in my indiscretions have been eliminated from my life. Unlike the "horn tooter" that I've been made out to be, I've NEVER told any of my friends about what I was doing.

I have not continued to lie and the OW are definitely not in my life, nor do they live in the same city (my previous job that I quit involved a lot of travelling). Even still, my W seems to have this intuition that I am still lying and cheating, regardless how much I try to console her and make her feel secure again. This is the reason why I feel like I need to end our marriage, because of the massive amount of harm that I have done to her.

I assume that you believe that my W feels as if she's being forced to act happy by her own conscience? I have never forced her to suppress herself or her feelings about what has happened. And in fact, IF she has said anything to anyone about it, I've never questioned it. It's her right to talk about things to whoever she pleases.


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## Confusedwife20 (Jul 19, 2018)

Wow! I can't even tell you how much you sound exactly like my husband and the situation that I am currently going through. My suggestion would be that you come clean to your wife about everything. I wish my husband would be completely honest with me. Then do the right thing and file for divorce and let her live a happy life. And as far as taking what's yours... you gave up the right to take anything away from her. She's gonna take care of your children, you need to provide not take. I wish you the best of luck and hopefully you get the help that you need.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK I get it! This must be a joke! You come to a marriage forum to ask for advice on how to lie to your wife about your lying and cheating and saying at the same time, that you will never sign a post nup or give her a more than fair divorce. Nobody can be that much of a scumbag! Ha ha! You got us there.

So what's the real story?


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## Sauvie Island (Jul 4, 2018)

I have come out of a marriage to a serial cheater. BUT, lol, I'm the one who married them in the first place.
Your _entitlement_ and your constant _manipulation_ make me wonder why you even posted. Possible spectrum disorder. Do what the others have encouraged you to do. But you don't seem to like that idea. You are entitled to nothing. Even your kids.


*"She is an incredibly brave woman for taking me back."*
Brave is not the correct word. I think actually, 'manipulated'.
If she were brave you would have already suffered horrible consequences.

*"I have re-offended on multiple occasions and I've led a pretty interesting life of infidelity outside of my marriage."
"there's so much more that she does not know about"*
I think you came here more to feed narcissistic impulses.

*"My W seems to have this intuition that I am still lying and cheating"*
Because you are. 
Real love would be letting them all go, my friend.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Wow, just wow!
You sound so proud of yourself. What can one say when you have already said you won’t come clean? You more than likely won’t stop so why ask what can I do? 

Recovery means you come clean, let your wife have the choice of stay or go, this does not belong to you.

Unprotected sex? Your clean? Like someone already said, HPV is a gift that keeps on giving even if you show no signs.

Triggering way to much!!!!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You guys DO realize this thread was started back in June and the OP hasn't been back to it since June 27th?


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## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

What's the point of acknowledging without changing ? What kind of input are you trying to get here ?
So far it sounds like you're just fishing for compliment to feed your ego. Other people called you arrogant because your posts have arrogant undertone in it.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> You guys DO realize this thread was started back in June and the OP hasn't been back to it since June 27th?


Good riddance. I wish his wife would show up here though.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DestroyedNZ said:


> This is true. I have acknowledged to myself that I am a serial cheater AND a sex addict. As for signing a post nup giving her everything...that just isn't going to happen. WE'VE both worked very hard together to get what we have and I'm going to take what is rightfully mine...should the need arise.
> 
> STD testing has been done for those occasions where I wasn't protected, and I'm pleased to report that all is well.
> 
> ...


Let your wife have her freedom, you do not deserve her


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

Why don’t you just divorce her? You can’t be totally honest with her so you are never going to feel that closeness. She has been through enough without subjecting her to more of your lies and bs. Just do the honourable thing for once in your life and let her find a good guy.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

DestroyedNZ said:


> WE'VE both worked very hard together to get what we have and I'm going to take what is rightfully mine...should the need arise.


Funny. You don't seem to have a problem denying her what is rightfully her's by virtue of marriage.

Like a faithful and truthful husband.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I'll give the short answer here....

OP was on briefly awhile back becuase of a current "low" he had concerning his relationships and his ego. He probably had someone tell him to start "working on it" and be a better husband blah, blah, blah... But then he puts the MOST narcissistic post about his wife being brave married to such a lech. Then he tells others off by saying no to a post nup, and that he "deserves" all his stuff...yada, yada, yada....

We have ALL seen this before. He probably read a bunch of threads and found out that this "flavor" of marriage isn't he cup of tea. He balked and ran out of her fast!
Hence, DNZ will scarcely be seen here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

DestroyedNZ said:


> I see every day what effect this has had on her and it destroys me.


Hahahahahahaha...it destroys me. 

I can see that it does. So much so that you say 'she damn well is NOT going to get my money.'

Get over yourself.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wow. There's no way to edit or delete posts anymore?


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Greatly provided that you're not willing to come out with a "deathbed confessional," to your wife who was either too scared or petrified to lose you, despite your cheating ways, I see little to no hope for you! Money is the least of your concerns, or should be!

The first thing that you should do is to painfully write a journal, painstakingly detailing every affair and every woman you've covertly slept with in excruciating detail. Then you should sit and read the contents of said journal to your wife, Line by Line!

Then you should stand in the well and endure all of the wrath that your deceptive trysts have brought to her.

And then there's no firm guarantee that she won't get up and leave you high and dry!

In addition, to try to get right with God, you need to confess to a church pastor of some kind and also find a counselor as intensive individual counseling would be a good start for you!

You dug this well of infidelity and deception all on your own, but God will help pull you out provided that you'll humbly seek His forgiveness for your past transgressions! 

Your wife may not be as easy!*


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DestroyedNZ said:


> This is true. I have acknowledged to myself that I am a serial cheater AND a sex addict.* As for signing a post nup giving her everything...that just isn't going to happen. WE'VE both worked very hard together to get what we have and I'm going to take what is rightfully mine*...should the need arise.
> 
> STD testing has been done for those occasions where I wasn't protected, and I'm pleased to report that all is well.
> 
> ...


Whoa there, @DestroyedNZ! That's sort of arrogant, don't you think?

You metaphorically kicked the stuffing out of your wife numerous times, lied to her time and time again, but you are going to make sure you get what is yours?:wtf:


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

DestroyedNZ said:


> Thanks for your reply and I'm quite taken aback from it. I've hurt my wife so very much and I can't believe that I became that person who would possibly do this.
> 
> FYI, both my wife and I have gone through quite a lot of counselling already and it's not over. I see every day what effect this has had on her and it destroys me.
> 
> ...


Honestly, if you were my cheating husband, I would have seen a lawyer by now, gone scorched earth on your ass, taken the kids away from you and all your shiny toys. Then work on me and endeavor to meet a nice man worthy of my time, attention and body. You are a sleazy dog, nothing more nothing less plus a coward who doesn't want to let his poor wife go. You do NOT love your wife, you do not know the meaning of love.


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