# No Concept of where Finances should Go?



## EF14 (Dec 20, 2012)

My husband and I have been together 4 years, just married a few months ago. We have always had a weird way of dividing finances, so I don't think the marriage brought on this issue. Basically, our mentality is pay what you can afford. Not necessarily based on what you make. Forget about redoing that and basing bills on percentage of take home pay. I've tried asking it's not going to happen.

First, the facts:

My husband makes 3 times my salary. Most of our monthly expenses are similar, his are slightly more expensive. I pay 40% of the mortgage, he pays about 60%. Our phone bills, student loans, insurance rates, etc. are similar. His car loan is double mine and he has some (probably about $1000-$2000) credit card debt due to the wedding. Not including expenses like gas and food, the rest of our bills are similar.

I have always been a saver. He's always been a spender...wanting to go out for lunch and dinner every day on the weekends (resulting in probably $200 a weekend for food and drinks for the both of us). Stop by for a morning coffee and sandwich every day before going to work, and goes out to buy lunch every day. I wind up eating toast for lunch because I don't want to pay $2 for a slice of pizza.

We recently did a pricey home renovation costing about 10 grand. It was a necessary renovation for structural issues, not like updating a kitchen. We had to take out a loan for it. I told him I can't afford to give him any extra a month than I am now, seeing as I'm giving him almost half my month's take home pay to cover the mortgage, half our gas/electric/cable, and to cover my portion of health insurance under his plan. He grumbled about it but ultimately gave in.

The other day, I redid my finances. I was essentially living paycheck to paycheck, sometimes going over more than what I make each month. After all is said and done, I now should (_*SHOULD*_) have about $300 left each month. Starting next month, I am now budgeting things like food, and the small things like HAVING to buy that shirt I'm going to stop doing. Getting rid of my impulse buying should be giving me a few extra bucks a month. 

I wanted to put $150 of that away into a house fund to help with some cosmetic renovations (dividing the remaining into my personal savings and 401k contribution). I would like to do things like updating the gross dog pee-stained carpets our former home owners left us. Or replacing the sofa that's (literally) falling apart. Or the dishwasher that I can't seem to get rid of the mold in. Things that aren't really a necessity, but we'd both like to do and most likely would add value to the house. He snapped at me and said if you have that extra money, you should give it to me to help compensate for the loan we took out for the renovation.

Who is right here? I'm sacrificing the things I don't necessarily need, like extra food splurges, clothes, buying lunch, so that I can save this $150 for something we both want to do. It's not like I'm going on a clothes shopping spree. He, on the other hand, complains about having to pay all these extra expenses (higher mortgage %, renovation loan, and most of the wedding) and living paycheck to paycheck when he makes 3x my salary and refuses to stop going out for food and impulse buying. I don't feel like I should be contributing any more than I do, due to the fact he CAN afford it, he chooses not to. Why should I sacrifice everything when he continues to spend the way he does? 

On the other hand, the marriage motto is "what's yours is mine." Should I be helping him with our current debt instead of saving and using it on something we don't necessarily NEED...like new floors or furniture? How do I get him to realize my point of view...to me saving is a necessary 'expense'. I don't like knowing I have no buffer room should God forbid my car break down or something. The only way we'll ever be able to afford updating and replacing things is if I save, since he obviously can't.


----------



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

I think you both need to adjust some. If your marriage motto is "what's yours is mine", then the budget should be his too. You live on a budget, he doesn't. But then you talk about "putting some toward personal savings". 

I have to admit, I've never been a fan of dividing finances based on a percentage of income (e.g. - you make x, so you put in y% of x, he puts in y% of his income). But you both need to agree and stick to it. Everything goes in one pot, one budget manages that. Doesn't sound like he'll go for that.


----------



## Omegaa (Nov 17, 2012)

I had/do have a similar problem. (yes, I'd rather save for a rainy day..)

You sound like you don't have enough money to yourself (essentially as poor as being unemployed and struggling...)

My WH always thought his money was his, his money was never ours no matter how much he tried. I believe it's alot to do with control and he wasn't "controlling" his money well at all.

He lived on overdraft. Financially, I would be better off without him and his big spending. He earned a lot but money went out as fast as it arrived at the bank account.

Different attitude to money is a big problem in marriage. He was never a saver. Once I tried to discuss this problem with his mother/his family to no avail though they are usually very helfpul. I am planning to try again at some point. When I complained about money issue, h tells me I ought to earn more:rofl:


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

I honestly don't understand the separate $/accounts thing. When you marry, you become 'ONE'. If you don't trust your SP with your money, why in the world get married? Doesn't matter who makes what/how much, it belongs to the marriage, not the individuals. JMO

H and I have always had joint everything. I'm totally a 'budget' girl; have been for years; just finished our budget through June 2013 last night. Being budget oriented was an absolute necessity in my 1st marriage as exH would spend $ before we had it. Budget nipped that in the bud. 

When H and I met and decided to make 'us' permanent, we were both working. He gave me his check; it was deposited with mine; our bills were paid first. We spent/splurged on what was left between the two of us. This works for us because we're both on the same page; communication is key here. We both know what we bring in and what the bills are....no surprises! Our motto: Other than large purchases (car, house), If we can't afford to save/pay cash for it, then we don't need/want it bad enough. 

Our budget includes everything (groceries, gas, savings, etc). This gives us a clear picture of what we'll have when; lets us know when we'll have the $$ for a particular purchase we're interested in. 

Do you think your H would be open to doing something like this for you both?


----------



## MysteryMan1 (Nov 4, 2012)

It's not about being right or wrong. As pb76no said, you two really need to get on the same page or it's not going to work.

Check this book out as it has a lot of really good advice on finances, especially for married couples. Discuss it with your husband.

Dave Ramsey - Total Money Makeover


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Are you two roommates or something?

This doesn't sound like a marriage at all.

When you add in the fact that he's completely neutral towards you (like you're his roommate) and he's a disgusting man-child who does nothing but play video games all day and dig for buried treasure in his nose (then wipes it on the couch) I don't even understand why you bother with this troll at ALL.

Spend your money on something worthwhile - like a divorce attorney.


----------



## temet nostre (Oct 10, 2019)

I understand his point of view. What is the point of keeping savings and having debt at the same time? You are in debt after all. If you compensate the loan you will save extra money on interest.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I pay 40% of the mortgage, he pays about 60%.


Is you name on the deed? If not, I would make sure it's there. In fact, check what you need to do to ensure that you part owner of major assets like your home and the vehicles. My brother owned the home before he got married. Never bothered to add his wife's name to the deed. And apparently she didn't either. they divorced in 6 years. 

Don't think of yourself as a bother or selfish because you are asking fpr what's due to you.


----------



## JustTheWife (Nov 1, 2017)

This is a very old thread that was just revived but interesting topic anyway and probably an issue for many.

I don't think there is one system that works for everyone. You just need to do what works in your relationship. We share one checking account and we don't have very much money at all. But I totally get why some couples keep things separate. many couples will have very different spending and money management habits. Keeping things separate for the "little things" can help avoid some fights that might come from the joint account. Like why did you have to spend that or whatever. 

If it were separate, we could focus on contributing to savings every month with an agreed amount for each of us, how we split the bills, and any big items that need to be shared. Then day to day spending money is left to your own business (not hidden but kept separate so less day to day arguing over what you've spent from the joint account.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This thread is eight years old and is now closed.


----------

