# Effect of OW/OM Children on No Contact??



## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Another member here and I were debating this. Say for example someone became involved in an affair (EA/PA doesn't matter for this) that goes on for three or four years and over that period the cheating spouse develops a relationship with a child of the OM/OW. A relationship that develops to the point of almost a step parent relationship, doing activities together and so on. Let's say the child is 8ish when the affair is busted. 

Assuming the cheating spouse is truly remorseful and doing everything right to reconcile, what impact do you think the relationship with the child would have on them? To me it's obvious that the cheating spouse has to go no contact with the child as well as the OM/OW, do you agree? Do you think that the relationship with the child is a major, maybe bigger, threat to reconciliation and no contact than even the OM/OW?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'll be blunt and it will likely be painful to hear. 

I agree with you 100%, Sigma, and that's just one of the many, MANY reasons that affairs are so very harmful: because of the collateral damage that just keeps going out in ever wider and wider circles. Not only the disloyal and the OP are hurt, but also the spouses, the disloyal's kids, the OP's kids, the disloyal's family, the loyal spouse's family, the OP's family (parents, siblings, cousins, etc.), friends, co-workers, people in class or church...it just goes ON and ON!!

In the specific scenario that you suggest, the OP's child may well very much need an adult in their life, and the cheating spouse may have temporarily filled a hole in that child's life. But the decision to commit adultery has some very serious, very painful consequences. For some who are unfaithful at work, the consequence is having to leave that workplace--with people or a job that they liked--because of their choices. It's the same here. The cheating spouse should have never been there and was not free to give to that lovely, innocent child what they gave...and ultimately the extremely painful consequence is that now the child for whom they care, who is young and innocent and needs an adult in their life, is the one who will be hurt and literally suffer due to their choice!! 

Frankly that should be sobering and a real wake-up call to the horrifying cost of adultery. 

No contact means NO CONTACT...with the OP but also with everyone associated with the OP (like friends, co-workers...and children). It is going to hurt the disloyal and the child deeply but they can never see each other again.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

I agree, Sigma. Having contact with the child(ren) of OW/OM is just playing with fire. As hard as it would be on the child(ren), there has to be a clean break...it's one more thing the parent has to live with, regarding his/her stepping out.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> I agree, Sigma. Having contact with the child(ren) of OW/OM is just playing with fire. As hard as it would be on the child(ren), there has to be a clean break...it's one more thing the parent has to live with, regarding his/her stepping out.


Not to mention that some OW/OMs would intentionally cultivate a relationship with the child to create more leverage. My nieces were very upset to learn that their father's assistant /babysitter / buddy was the one who broke up their parents' marriage.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

So everyone's agreed on NC with the child, what about the impact of that on the WS? Do you think having to go NC with the child would have the same impact that going NC with the OM/OW would have? Asked another way do you think it would generate the same withdrawal effect? My reaction was that it wouldn't - that withdrawal is an effect of leaving the fog and that the fog belongs solely to the OM/OW, but that the WS would likely feel some very real guilt at abandoning the child that would be hard to deal with. My opinion was that the guilt, since justifiable and reasonable, would be harder for the WS to process; but would likely not rise to the same emotional turmoil as walking away from the OM/OW because IMO there wouldn't be the withdrawal part of it.


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

NC is NC.

The offending spouse should have considered ALL the ramifications of his or her straying.

That includes the damage to any children associated with the A.

"oh but little Johnny is such a cute little tyke! I cant bear the thought of never seeing him again!"

"well dear you should have thought about that before you jumped off the cliff now shouldnt you?"


I know. Easier said then done. Too bad. NC is NC. Or there is the door.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I suppose it depends how attached the WS was to the child really.
Would the WS really get that attached to the child of the AP when the A has not had any exposure? I dont know really. It would undoubtedly have an impact on the child if they had had a prolonged relationship with the AP, children do get attached, and broken attachments can have a direct impact on their emotional development. Having said that, NC should mean NC!

When my Hs EA turned PA the reality of spending time with the OW kids instead of his own really hit him. He realized pretty quickly that he didnt want to play dad to anyone elses kids when he had 3 wonderful ones of his own. It disgusted me that she introduced him to her kids so quickly, but it was also one of the things that split them up.

Sorry to go off topic Sigma


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

As they say, 2 wrongs don't make a right. 

An adulteress relationship should never have occurred. The first wrong. Bringing one's child in the middle of that relationship should never have occurred either. I'm sure when the children really know what's going on, it probably creates guilt in them as if they have chosen to betray their parents.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's more than just an affair when you start getting involved with your AP's kids, IMHO...that's almost to the point of starting up a 2nd secret life. And yes, very dangerous, playing with fire, whatever you want to call it. It can only cause pain. Extremely selfish move, even more selfish than starting the affair in first place!


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

sigma1299 said:


> So everyone's agreed on NC with the child, what about the impact of that on the WS? Do you think having to go NC with the child would have the same impact that going NC with the OM/OW would have? Asked another way do you think it would generate the same withdrawal effect?


You know Sig, this is just my own humble opinion but I don't think there would be a withdrawal reaction going NC with the child. That effect of "withdrawal" I think is because of that brain chemistry addiction thing. For those who don't know, when we say that an affair is an addiction, it literally is in a way because part of the reason disloyal spouses have trouble breaking away is due to "the brain chemistry in love.' You know that thing where your heart beats and your palms sweat, etc. ? That's your brain getting little doses of amphetamines...and the fact is that sometimes disloyals get a little amphetamine "fix" when they see the OP...even when it's costing them everything (just like a drug addict). 

Anyways, the amphetamine is associated with that "in love" zing, so since the disloyal isn't "in love" with the child per se, I don't think they get the amphetamine thingy from the child. Thus, I don't think the disloyal would "withdraw" physically or medically--but they might just enjoy the habit or they might just feel badly about hurting the child! This I could TOTALLY see! But again I'm in agreement with you that walking away from the child primarily makes ya feel like a big ol' heal whereas walking way from the OP actually has both an emotional and a physical toll that it takes.


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