# I want to hear how others have dealt with spouses anger & depression.



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

There are a lot of posts from people dealing with their own depression, anger and anxiety. Does anyone have any experiences dealing with a spouses depression, etc? I would love to hear how people have dealt with it.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H has a depression/anger problem. I try not to take it personally, but of course sometimes it gets to me. I watch my boundaries so I dont share more then I should. 

The other day my H got really angry at me. I could tell all day that he was moody so I kept my distance. Then i accidently washed all the whites with a red towel; everything was pink. He got pissed. He slammed the washing machine lid, and slammed the bedroom door. I was actually already having a bad day, too. I was having drama with my family so I was already a little upset. So he comes out of his room a little later and we drive to the store. Still neither of us has said anything. He reached to hold my hand and I told him that I appreciate he is upset, and that I realize he is going through his own problems, but I expect an apology for the way I was treated before we do any hand holding or anything of the sort. He just sat there for a little bit. i could tell he was wrestling with his anger. I could tell he was battle holding his pride and not talking to me for the rest of the evening or apologizing. After a little while he apologized and said he didnt mean to direct it towards me and that he was just having a bad day. Then i started crying. 

The next day he wrote me an email saying how sorry he was and how much it hurt him to see me cry. 

That is pretty much how i handle it.


----------



## justean (May 28, 2008)

my H had terrible anger issues, which i also contributed to drink.
after 13 yrs, and yes we tried many ways to deal with his issues. but on the last go, we got together as a family and we all told him enough was enough. finally he went to his GP who diagnosed depression, which i do think he suffered. 
he was put on this citalopram and for 2 weeks he was a new man, unfortunately the new man ended up on a bender with a stupid mate and had a one night stand. dont ever mix these tablets , lethal.
other issues aside, he kept on the tablets and he was just numb, no feelings, impotent etc . but the rest of him, dad, husband was stil on the plus side (one night stand aside). he was calmer .
after a couple of months i could see the improvement and asked him to back of the tablets as his behaviour had changed considerably.
at first he refused. but my thoughts on this - as the drug had changed him, once that change is balanced the continued effort of the drugs he took kept other things on hold, like being impotent, having no feelings. 
to put this into perspective , say for instance if you take a painkiller. do you take more after the pain is gone - my guess no.
when the pain starts again , you take the medication again.
my H stopped taking the med, once he realised how numb he was feeling.
he hasnt taken them for a while, his drinking is more respective and hes better overall stil. he copes better and remains calmer and he communicates more rationally.


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

Thanks for the responses ladies!! My husband was on Paxil and he seemed to be doing better- he didn't snap like he used to, he said frequently how much better he was doing, and how he realized that how he felt before was wrong, etc, etc... I kept trying to figure out how, if we could move past the crap load of baggage we had built up over the last 17 years, maybe we could make a go of it and make the marriage work. Then he quit taking it. Now he slips slowly back to his old ways bit by bit. He comes out of the anger quicker now- he doesn't let it ruin his/our entire night, but it's still there. The tension in the house, waiting for him to snap... I just can't do it any more. And if he doesn't care enough to stay on the medication that helped him, obviously he doesn't care about our marriage and our family. 

Again, Thanks for the answers!! It helps to know others are dealing with the same crap!!


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

The anger is draining. I used to be really wrapped up in my relationship so i think it used to get to me more. dont get me wrong, it is still hard sometimes, but i think im often in my own little world so i dont notice as much. i try to ask how he is doing but ultimately i know its his battle and i have to take care of myself.


----------



## Junebug (Dec 7, 2008)

ljtseng said:


> The anger is draining. I used to be really wrapped up in my relationship so i think it used to get to me more. dont get me wrong, it is still hard sometimes, but i think im often in my own little world so i dont notice as much. i try to ask how he is doing but ultimately i know its his battle and i have to take care of myself.


So much of the issue is the kids. If it was just me, I know I would be different. It actually all came to the breaking point when it finally hit me how much it is impacting our children. I don't want them to live like this, to grow up thinking this is normal and this is how people are supposed to be. H and I are so complete opposite. I keep thinking to myself "if this was one of my daughter's husbands, how would I feel knowing this was her relationship". I would be truly sad for her. It impacts the way the kids think and act, he takes it out on them (the oldest especially), they take it out on the next one... it's a never ending cycle. And I know that it goes against every parenting rule but when he gets in one of his moods he gets irrationally angry at the world (well, the kids) and I have stepped in to tell him to lay off the kids a few times. I know I shouldn't interfere or say something in front of them but he gets so focused on the anger. He's even discussed it with the therapist and described it that way. It's like he can't see anything else. He has never actually gotten physical with any of us- he's not like that. He has got to the point where he will pick our daughter up and take her to her room and holds her arms too tight or something along those lines, and I have lost it on him. He doesn't realize his strength against a little girl. 

You are so right tho, it is exhausting. I am so emotionally drained I just can't deal with it anymore.


----------



## broo (Feb 17, 2009)

Been married 10 years. In the past my wife is flown into rages and attacked me or destoyed things, when she was angry. She's chased me with knives, beaten me with various implements like metal shelving rods and hammers. Broken my glasses several times so that I couldn't see. She sliced open my scalp bashing a coffee mug into my head. She's thrown lamps and pots and pans and dishes at me. She throws food I make her in the trash. She once cut up my clothes with scissors. She destroyed all my muscial instruments. She burned all the love letters I wrote her. She took the keys out of the ignition while I was driving down the freeway, and tried to grab the wheel to make the car go off the road. She sometimes talks to me in a mean way. Last year she drank so much that her toenails fell out. (1L of Vodka a day for about 6 months)

I've just attempted to be patient and loving and she has improved a lot. There hasn't really been any violence in at least a year. It took her a long time to realize she was being unreasonable a lot of the time (we were married young). Fear doesn't really help. Be prepared to meet your maker. If you're scared that she's going to gut you, its counterproductive. I love her to pieces.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Junebug said:


> So much of the issue is the kids. If it was just me, I know I would be different. It actually all came to the breaking point when it finally hit me how much it is impacting our children.


When kids are involved it is an entirely different story. I cant imagine how draining it must be with kids and you trying to play referee all the time. 

I grew up with very angry parents. It was hell as a child and i went through some rough times, but things are ok now. I know you want a perfect environment for your kids (who doesnt) and the anger is draining, but honestly a divorce is worse for the kids, in my opinion. They will still have to face their dads anger and everything else a divorce entails for kids. 

Maybe you can video tape him in one of his fits and let him watch? Put a hidden camera in a few of the rooms. That can be an eye opener for people. he's never seen himself. he doesnt see it the way you do.


----------



## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

My wife has always had depresion issues. She also has major self esteem issues and trust pretty much no one. We have been to counsling together, but it does not work when there is no ownership of her own issues. I have tried very hard to open up to my own issues with her, but she does not talk to me. \
Two years ago, after weeks of not talking and treating me as if I didn't excist, I pushed the issue. I questioned what was wrong. all she can ever do is say she is tired of living this way...that she can never have what she wants...that it doesn't matter, just the way it is. We ended up in a huge fight over the whole thing. She walked out of the house late at night and never came home. I called the police at six to report, at 6:30 my two children got up and wanted to know where mommy was...I lied to them and said that she had to go in early, but at 7:00 the police came and informed me that they had found her at a local pshyiatric clinic. I took the kids to school and daycare, went to work to deal with that, then drove there.

She was huddled up in a ball....hated life and wanted it to end...she wouldn't talk to me other than repeating that she'll never have what she wants.

After three days she was released. we have been in thearpy since and on various meds. She still has not changed that much. she can have great day's and very bad days. Botton line is that we have been walking on glass ever since. Everything has been all about her since then, never worried about me, the kids, or any of our feelings, no ownership of anything.

I feel that she is still very sad. that for some unknown reason she will never tell me what she wants or needs. I very much feel as if it is something that only she can get from another relationship, or another life.
needless to say, it's ongoing. day to day, always wondering when the next bad set of days will happen. I drill through each day for the children. I need to be there for them. 

I need help. I am very frustrated. I want my wife to be happy, but without any details it is so hard. I just do not know what to do anymore.


----------



## myxilplyx (Mar 10, 2009)

DB in PA and my 2 cents

me and my wife too went to counseling. so long as it really didnt require her to reflect, apologize or change, it was alright.

my wife, withdraws sharply and then rage. been physical with me. blames me for everything wrong in the relationship. never trust.

until your wife takes care of herself, and i speak from my experience here, she isn't going to be in the relationship. sometimes people just dont wanna change, or hate that they thought they could and find they cant.

maybe try counseling and medicine. but counseling for her and medicine proper before you consider what you two will do.


----------



## myxilplyx (Mar 10, 2009)

PS:
as far as coping goes...

1. not your fault
2. you're not evil
3. it takes two
4. they will deny and start other problems if confronted so be prepared to deflect that, ask a friend to be there if it helps.
5. report ANY violence or threats immediately. no matter how small, they grow. in hindsight, as much as i loved my wife, i failed to properly confront the behavior---(i.e.the police, family etc.) later, i felt like a failure as a partner, because if she had been confronted---she might have got the help she needed whatever was fueling it. because she didn't, the fighting got worse and as it did, my priorities got distorted, and i allowed myself to get cornered into a bad guy role. 
6. get counseling for yourself especially if you emotions about it are strong.


----------



## BIGJ (Mar 12, 2009)

Not a spouse, but my EX GF was manic depressive/Bi Polar, and it SUCKED. She'd come home mad @ ther world at times. She would go out of her way to pick fighrs with me, just to get me pissed off, then say "yeah", and get excited, like she was actually enjoying it. I loved her so much, i didnt care, because usually, i could calm her down after an hour or so, then she'd be ok. But, I can honestly tell you: it got old REALLY fast(you'll get tired of it too), I used to get annoyed by her always being moody. Im a very laid back person, and I absolutely HATE HATE HATE fighting w/ANYONE, especially someone I love so much.

She eventually self destructed(as people who have a mental disorder usually do). We're not together anymore(she dumped me and married a guy w/$$$, and even told me so), but I still think about her, and I know she'll ruin her marriage somehow. He'll get annoyed by her, and her CONSTANT mood swings, and eventually dump on her.

Save yourself the trouble, and get out while you can, it will only make matters worse.


----------



## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

My wife has chronic depres. It is hard to deal with. She gets in a depresive state and all she can do is sleep. I let her..I check on her and offer my support, even if it's letting her alone to work through it.
I fee


----------



## DB in PA (Feb 25, 2009)

sorry..bumped the button.

I feel gthat she is in this mood because life just gets to be too much for her. we have lots going on. hope this little bit helps


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

Hmm...reading all the post here makes me relief for some reason. I realize now that I am not the only person who experience this. All this time I feel alone and no body to share with. but I found this site and I found out that I am not the only one who has this problem. 

I am married with my H for three years now. I never have experience with him in normal mood as he has been depressed in many years. to be honest..It's so hard for me to be in this marriage as he always blames me for everything. He constantly criticizes me for who and what I am. It's like I am never be enough for him. It gets harder when he blames me for the problem that it isn't my fault (not even related to me). Especially when he has problem with his ex, he always snap on me. Blaming me for what she did. I feel that Its not fair for me to be treated like this. I have nothing to do with it. Sometimes when we fight he always accused me for something I didn't do. If I confront him and tell him that I didn't do that. He will say "you will as my ex did that all the time." I just don't know what to do.

At some point, I just want to give up because I just couldn't handle it anymore. Every time I woke up, I keep wondering if he will get angry today. Each minute, I fear that I will do something to make him angry. 

I feel hopeless...


----------



## meggieb291 (Jul 17, 2009)

I too have a spouse who suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues. Recently off medication (his choice, weaned self off), doesn't believe in counselling and blames me and the world for everything. Continuously brings up his past childhood experiences. Can't understand that people are different and to respect and treat each other the way you want to be treated.
I take on the role of the caretaker, nurturer and fixer. I hate for him to be mad at me, sad, upset or unhappy so I am always trying to make him feel special, better etc. 
Now I am just plain tired. Tired of the outbursts, the unhappiness etc. I am at a cross roads now as we do have a wonderful child together. Should marriage really be this hard I find myself asking. Do I want to spend the next 25 years of my life like this. 
I am getting better at not taking his problems and making them mine and starting to realize that he is an adult and life is about choices. It has taken a long time and I am still learning.
It seems in the mental health world there is only supports for those who are mentally unstable but nothing for the families/spouses of this.
Medication is currently being replaced with alcohol. Fun times in our house for sure!!!!!!
My mom told me that you look out only for yourself and child. If he falls, he falls but he has to pick himself up and save himself not you. I am really trying to keep that point close in mind.
Baby steps.....


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

You may want to seek counseling for YOURSELF to learn to maintain boundaries with him. My H has depressive issues, and most of our marriage has been a battle, but underneath it all, we never lost the love. He finally hit rock bottom a few months ago, got on meds, which he really needed and went into therapy...he openly admits that at first, he did not WANT to deal with is issues, he wanted to push everything away...but I fought my tail off for him, and it worked. I never thought we would be in the place we are now in our marriage. IF however, he had totally refused therapy, meds, etc...we would never have gotten anywhere, and I would have taken our boys and left. Be careful; his replacement of medication with alcohol is a bad road for him to go down, and you do really need to think about the safety of yourself and your child.


----------



## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

Junebug said:


> So much of the issue is the kids. If it was just me, I know I would be different. It actually all came to the breaking point when it finally hit me how much it is impacting our children. I don't want them to live like this, to grow up thinking this is normal and this is how people are supposed to be. H and I are so complete opposite. I keep thinking to myself "if this was one of my daughter's husbands, how would I feel knowing this was her relationship". I would be truly sad for her. It impacts the way the kids think and act, he takes it out on them (the oldest especially), they take it out on the next one... it's a never ending cycle. And I know that it goes against every parenting rule but when he gets in one of his moods he gets irrationally angry at the world (well, the kids) and I have stepped in to tell him to lay off the kids a few times. I know I shouldn't interfere or say something in front of them but he gets so focused on the anger. He's even discussed it with the therapist and described it that way. It's like he can't see anything else. He has never actually gotten physical with any of us- he's not like that. He has got to the point where he will pick our daughter up and take her to her room and holds her arms too tight or something along those lines, and I have lost it on him. He doesn't realize his strength against a little girl.
> 
> You are so right tho, it is exhausting. I am so emotionally drained I just can't deal with it anymore.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

There have been times that my husband's anger/tension has left me so tired of dealing with him that I withdrew into my own ball of anger. In trying to keep the marriage together but protect the kids, I still don't know if I made the right choice. While he now identifies himself as a recovering rageaholic, I know it affected our girls and much of what they remember about their childhood is the high level of tension around Dad's anger/frustration. I wish you all the best!! Sometimes you gotta just steer clear and others you have to call them on the behavior, either way, it is really nice when some clarity hits and the normal state of calm reigns.


----------



## feylovelyheart (Jun 13, 2009)

SFladybug said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> There have been times that my husband's anger/tension has left me so tired of dealing with him that I withdrew into my own ball of anger. In trying to keep the marriage together but protect the kids, I still don't know if I made the right choice. While he now identifies himself as a recovering rageaholic, I know it affected our girls and much of what they remember about their childhood is the high level of tension around Dad's anger/frustration. I wish you all the best!! Sometimes you gotta just steer clear and others you have to call them on the behavior, either way, it is really nice when some clarity hits and the normal state of calm reigns.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

This is my big concern. I have two-year-old son and I am afraid If my H's anger/frustration is affecting him later in life. It's hard to tell if he is affected by that or not. My son indeed gets angry so easily. He has to get what he wants but I hope it's only because the terrible two's.

I feel the same as you feel. After dealing him for years, I got tired and burn out. I reach the point where I try to sleep when he is awake and awake when he is asleep. It just so hard to interact with him sometimes. 

I wish you all the same. I hope we all can deal it better. Hopefully we can find a way out and a happy ending


----------



## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

meggieb291 said:


> I too have a spouse who suffers from depression, anxiety and anger issues. Recently off medication (his choice, weaned self off), doesn't believe in counselling and blames me and the world for everything. Continuously brings up his past childhood experiences. Can't understand that people are different and to respect and treat each other the way you want to be treated.
> I take on the role of the caretaker, nurturer and fixer. I hate for him to be mad at me, sad, upset or unhappy so I am always trying to make him feel special, better etc.
> Now I am just plain tired. Tired of the outbursts, the unhappiness etc. I am at a cross roads now as we do have a wonderful child together. Should marriage really be this hard I find myself asking. Do I want to spend the next 25 years of my life like this.
> I am getting better at not taking his problems and making them mine and starting to realize that he is an adult and life is about choices. It has taken a long time and I am still learning.
> ...



This sounds exactly like my wife. The 3 you listed my wife has that problem. She also took herself off the anti-depresants and started drinking heavy. Now stopped that.. She doesn't like the MC. She is VERY angry.. It's starting to effect her mother and sisters.. They are seeing it.. She also brings up her childhood experiences and blames me for some of them since she was 16 when I met her. 

Since you can't change him or his reactions. You need to make the first move. Make some changes for yourself. my wife is looking for them from me.. I am trying but she thinks I am going through motions but I will work harder..


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

My ex was an angry controlling man.. I left him as to not waste my life. I did the right thing, only wish is...

I would have done it sooner.


----------



## BunnyPancake (Sep 16, 2009)

My husband suffers from chronic depression. We had a whirlwind relationship - from met to married in 7 months. I knew that he suffered from depression, but unfortunately as he tends to keep everything inside, I did not find out the extent of it until about 6 months into our marriage. 

He has suicidal thoughts as the bottom line is that he hates himself. It has been tough, and I guess I never realised what strength I had before this. He has been on medication for about two years, with stints of not being on them too. At the moment he's on medication #4 and this so far seems to make him feel best out of all with minimal side effects. He reluctantly goes to counselling. He stopped drinking a year ago (used to have alcohol abuse issues when younger) which I am so proud about.

It all sounds positive really, but only last weekend, in one of our conversations where he gets upset and actually talks about things (this is a much improvement as he used to only tell me things when he got really angry - never physically abusive, but boy the things that come out of his mouth...) he told me that he wasn't actually sure he loved me. Or really what it means to love someone. And that he married me because he thought it would fix things. With him, not our fledgeling relationship.

He also spent a lot of time saying that he is not good enough for me, that I deserve someone who is not broken, or crazy, who treats me nicely and who I can rely on. I fail to see how he cannot be that person with a really good counselling stint as he has a lot of things yet to talk about in his sessions.

We haven't been married for long (2 and a half) but before I met him I never knew why people even thought about marriage, or what it truly meant body and soul to love someone. So there in lies the problem. I know that if we split up (which a part of my brain is suggesting) he won't go to counselling and he might just stop taking his medication. We also work in the same place, so he wouldn't continue working there. Basically it's like he would just...stop.

So what am I to do here. I miss hearing I love you from him, and the absence of that is like a jab in the heart. But the viscious cycle of I'm not good enough, I hate myself, I don't deserve to be happy that he seems to be stuck in isn't really a place to make large life decisions. I still have some hope that if I stick by him, and encourage the counselling and keeping on the medication (as without is days of sleeping, not functioning, loud music and noose making) that he may get to a point where he isn't sad all the time, and happy is something that he knows about. It's just that before...thinking that he loved me, like I adore him, it helped create hope. Now...now I just don't know...


----------

