# It's been 4 days since we separated



## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Hello everyone.

I am in pain and I need help. I can't breathe properly. My heart is pounding slowly but hard. I can't believe it really happened. I'm in denial and yet I know it is done and I am trying to plan a way out because I don't know what else to focus on.

We could never communicate. From the very beginning we both found it difficult to really be ourselves but our love for each other was intense and passionate. We had difficulties with almost everything.

I'm 30, been married for 8 years, known him for 12. We sold our house in July and planned to live with the in-laws for about 2 months because we planned to move half way around the world. I stopped working in July to prepare for everything. Husband worked from home and needed to take a course in February so we had to stay here longer, but the in-laws were horrible to live with and things just fell apart.

He is my first true love. I can see my mistakes and his but he is right, we just couldn't get along. A lot of it had to do with external factors that I wished we could have worked on. I had no idea how upset he was and that he had been contemplating divorce.

I feel cheated because he has been talking to people for 2 years about our marriage (I had no idea) and yet he never explained things to me in a calm setting. I loved him and thought things were good overall; we just needed to iron out the kinks.

I've read some of the other posts and nothing I can say will stand out, I'm just another heartbroken individual going through a separation. We have no children and it looks like the divorce will be uncomplicated  However, I will still need to figure out a life of my own but I'm still in denial.

Is anyone leaning on religion to get them through this? Is anyone muslim here? I'm muslim but don't know any where I live and really need to talk without avoiding my faith because it's going to play such a momentous role in my recovery.

Our divorce was Islamic and none of my friends can really understand that (we will still need to divorce legally). I want certain things for myself from a religious perspective but no one really gets it and it's making me feel so much more isolated. 

I can't imagine a life without him, it's was so out of the blue. My veins feel tight and I'm tingling all over....I want this awful feeling to go away and I just want my husband back.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Many of us here didn't see the separation or divorce coming and that is definitely hard. You are stuck behind the X in the healing process as they started coming to terms with it earlier. Maybe even starting 2 years earlier in your case. 

You'll eventually catch up though and get back to a good place. You are young at 30 and have the opportunity for everything you had planned for your life (I'm 32 and am constantly reminding myself of the same). 

As for your faith. I know many here lean on their faith heavily through this. I think that is an extra tool in your arsenal for healing and a good thing. 

Have you checked online for Muslim groups near you? I would imagine there must be some. If not I would bet here are support groups online that could help.

I also think I can speak for this board on TAM when I say that we are here for everyone going through this, regardless of religion or any other factors. You have friends here.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Confused- sorry you are here and I hope you will find that what you are experiencing is unfortunately common. My STBXW had been unhappy for 2-3 years and had really been contemplating this for the last year and didn't communicate this to me so I was blindsided as well. 

The most important things now for you will be to take care of yourself and really try to sleep and eat for strength. Another strategy is the "180" which outlines actions which seem counter-intuitive but help with the healing process. I couldn't copy the link but I've pasted the URL and if you can copy this, you will see the plan.

Also TAM has been a fantastic support for me and know there are people that do care.

The Healing Heart: The 180


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Thanks guys, I appreciate your advice more then you'll ever know.

I'm just mad at him today, not openly though.

It'll be a week tomorrow and I'm beat. I almost feel as though I've recovered because I'm ready to give up loving him if it means an end to these messed up emotions. I wonder how I'll feel tomorrow?....Ahh I know, a heartbroken mess!!

I've got a lot to change but I'm am feeling positive about my future.

I'm emotionally spent.

Chin up everybody, and keep moving forward.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Indeed. The best you can do is work and concentrate on yourself and see where life takes you. 

AA is on to something with their one-day-at-a-time motto. I've found that is the only way to get through this as well. You have to forgive the mistakes you made yesterday (and there will be some) and concentrate on making decisions each day that make you happy and/or your life better.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I'm two weeks into my separation/divorcing and just found this forum last night and can't stop reading. It helps to be here and realize there are so many of us out there that feel the same way. I am a Christain woman and I myself am angry with God right now. I don't understand if he hates divorce so much why is he allowing this to happen to me when I want my marriage to work so bad? 

As for fear...I'm 47...i've never been alone...this marriage was only over 2 years we were together for about 3 years but prior I was with someone for 10 and before that...
As I said, i've never been alone. 

This board right now has been helping...reading the stories of others and hearing how they are surviving..their coping teqniques...it's like making a whole new slew of friends... and gaining some strength...keep reading confused777...it does help... you won't feel so alone...


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

C777, sorry for your pain and confusion. 

You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership. 

Many people reinvest in religion, spirituality and self help to get through hard times. It will also help you reboot and set better boundaries and expectations for your life moving forward. If there isn't any spiritual support near you physically, there must be message boards or possibly meet-ups online. 

Finally, the pain and anxiety you're feeling is a very normal reaction to the trauma you've just undergone. Strive for grace and ride it out. It's not fun but it slowly gets better a little further on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> You are both very young and are likely much different people with different expectations than when you met as teenagers or near teens. Also know that most relationships fall apart not from one or two mistakes but from a thousand cuts. External circumstances happen to everyone, it's how you deal with it that defines a partnership.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is one of the best and most insightful things I've read on TAM. My stbxw can mostly only say silly little things that let to her willing out of love with me, which led me to believe exactly this. It's not usually something you did or some major character flaw, but the natural growing apart and differences between two people. Some people recognize this and communicate and work on their marriage ... And some just quit and run.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

He says he was never happy except for a year. He has such a negative opinion of our marriage that it just leaves me baffled...

He had been talking to people about our "miserable" marriage. But we DID have so many good times....??? Why didn't I realize things were bad?

I feel like the trigger for him to start his new life. He likes to make big changes and he's been telling me his worries about his finances, and his future marriage prospects...that really twisted the knife.

He only told me so I would realize that all hope was lost. He MAY remarry me when we are 90. Or, if nothing works out for him in the next few years. At least he's being honest.

A small part of me wants to wait for him forever and hope against all odds that he'll take me back but I don't want to see him suffer and I don't want him to "settle" for me. I also believe that I deserve better.

I can't help but blame myself. I KNOW he has a short fuse, I know that if the slightest thing went wrong (traffic light not changing fast enough) he could freak out. I feel icky talking about his faults and I know he had his fair share but I still can't help but blame myself entirely. It would be easier if I hated him.

I'm so regretful, ridden with guilt. I'm so sorry to him for not being the wife that he so desperately wanted his whole life. Yeah, he had his flaws but he was always loving towards me. I just wish I had known how bad it had gotten for him. 

He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want me.

I'll take things one day / episode at a time. But, it's so many firsts of doing things alone without him. This whole province reminds me of him. Time to make new memories.

This forum is really helping me, thanks guys. Great advice Orpheus, I agree with it.

Stella, funny, I think you sensed that I was going to stop reaching out. I was. But I won't now. Thanks. 

He's just focused on his new life, he said the part of him that tried so much for me died. He said he will love me forever and never forget me. He said I was a third of his life. He said that I pushed him away.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

C777, people say incredibly loving and hateful things during the separation process. Your body and theirs is processing an enormous chemical upheaval of emotions and hormones. People are often very inconsistent. And for yourself you are probably feeling a roller coaster of emotions. 

The best thing you can do right now is to protect your future and pay attention to his actions not his words. If he changes his mind he will show you in what he does. Sitting around and waiting for the phone to ring is a waste of your precious life. 

Finally, he's not rejecting you. He's rejected the marriage. You don't want to be in a partnership with somebody that doesn't respect that union.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

The ones who leave tend to focus on the negative aspects of the marriage and re-write history for various reasons. That's why so many are blindsided and think 'was it really that bad?'

Please stop blaming yourself - you shouldn't be sorry for 'not being the wife he wanted you to be', it sounds like he had some pretty fundamental flaws too. It takes two people to make a marriage and sometimes it just doesn't work out, there's nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about

It will be tough at first but once you've started doing things without him you'll realise it does get easier bit by bit. You won't miss that short fuse I'll bet (I certainly don't  )

It's very early days, be prepared for a roller coaster ride - this place will help you through the dark times though, a lot of us have been through it and come out the other side


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

Wise words spoken here. Mostly from experience. You'll get there. 

Yes, strap in for a roller coaster ride you'll never forget! It's going to suck bawls, it's going to hurt, it's going to spin your head till you're so dizzy you can't think straight. IT WILL HAPPEN and it's going to rock your mental health. 

However, as stated. Let me get you to do one thing. Repeat this next sentence over and over until you can't get it out of your head:

HE/SHE's REWRITING HISTORY!

That's all you need to know. WHy? Because once you get this through to your concious, thinking brain, you'll see that you can't trust anything that you hear them say. No matter how much time has passed, or how much progress you think you've made. They'll continue to rewrite history until the brick hits them in the head and they wake up. 

Keep reading on here. Do the 180 program. Do it for yourself. If you're going to be looking for changes, my next tip is this: SMALL CHANGES ARE BIG CHANGES! look for the small things that's improved. OVerall, you need to get through the hump of the 180 till you realize you're doing it for yourself, not for changing someone's mind.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

I'd just add one thing: don't expect to ever hear/see them admit the mistake. I see a lot of people here do things with the intention of one day winning the X back. 

While I agree that many will one day regret their decisions, if you hang around waiting for the justification of their regret, you will be holding yourself up. 

I know I'd like nothing more than to hear I wasn't a bad husband (still not sure what I did to drive her away) ... But waiting to hear that means waiting to heal. I'm not willing to do that, and the sooner you start to focus on your new life and not the old one, the sooner life moves on.


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> I'd just add one thing: don't expect to ever hear/see them admit the mistake. I see a lot of people here do things with the intention of one day winning the X back.
> 
> While I agree that many will one day regret their decisions, if you hang around waiting for the justification of their regret, you will be holding yourself up.
> 
> I know I'd like nothing more than to hear I wasn't a bad husband (still not sure what I did to drive her away) ... But waiting to hear that means waiting to heal. I'm not willing to do that, and the sooner you start to focus on your new life and not the old one, the sooner life moves on.



My W started slowly to admit her faults even she doesn't go in details . Yesterday she say this - " I know I wasn't perfect and I made allot of mistakes but ... " - she stopped there and changed the subject ... so there is a light in the tunnel .

But the process is very slow. Give him the time to realize what hes losing .


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

C777, I hope you're also looking for counseling where you are. Someone who can help you to process these big changes and the emotional ups and downs. Please don't censor your feelings by feeling guilty about revealing his negative qualities. I'm sure you're not perfect; nobody is. But I sense that there may be more below the surface here - certain things are making my antennae go up. I think it might really help if you could tell a professional counselor the details of your marriage in order to help you recover.

Don't wait around for him, even if you still love him. He is being brutally honest with you - and I emphasize brutal. Take him at his word. It's so not what you wanted, but it's reality now. You are still very young. Don't waste your life waiting. You have even recognized that you deserve better. You are so right.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Angelpixie, dolly, bigmac, orpheus, lost, dewayne - thank y

I'm trying to rush this process but it's not working so I'm just going to let it wash over me.

Yes, he's been rewriting history for years now. I feel cheated. At least he can tell a whole bunch of people who don't know me how miserable the marriage was, garner sympathy, network and then get help with his new life. I'm bitter.

He doesn't want his parents to know (because they know me and they knew our relationship). 

Thank you...I'm beginning to realize that there's a healthy balance when it comes to the blame in my situation. I've been idealizing him but have got to stop doing that now.

He gave me a cinnamon pinwheel today (whyyy???). My brain knows he didn't mean anything by it but my heart skipped a beat and that wasn't very nice.

You guys weren't kidding about the roller coaster ride.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

It definitely is and I wish you weren't going through this. I've never been one to believe there is fate or "a plan" (and I envy those that do), but I do believe we control our destinies. If you want happiness you will have to grab it. 

It will take time to heal. I have good days and bad days and days when I just sit, numb, and wonder wth happened to my world. They say time heals all wounds ... But wounds do leave scars. The trick is not to cling to those scars at the expense of your future happiness. 

I may have missed this, but when will you guys be oving separate?


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

We're going our separate ways in Feb. We haven't done anything from a legal standpoint as of yet. I'm not sure how the divorce will work out if we're in different countries but I don't really care right now.

I have yet to decide what I'll be doing. I'm not ready to think about that either and I definitely don't want to follow him and try to live out "our" dream alone.

You wrote on someone else's thread that your stbxw was full steam head, never looked back and never did anything half-assed. That's exactly what my stbxh is like. I always had a secret fear that he might just toss me to the side one day and never look back and that's exactly what he's doing.

He's tying to be nice, but I think that's as much for his ego as it is for my benefit.

He knew exactly what I was like when he first met me. He made promises to me and he's breaking/ broke them. I would have found a way to make this marriage work but he gave up on it. He was always proud to say that he wasn't a quitter but he sure quit on our marriage.

One day I hope he remembers what our marriage was really like and how we had so many good times. I wish I didn't care and the sad thing is that he probably won't ever realize because he's not the type to look back.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

confused - I am sorry for your pain. My STBXW has been the same way with this - not once second-guessing her decision, no guilt, etc. even though I would have been willing to try anything to make it work for the sake of our kids.

I find your statement interesting about quitting. One of my kids this year was terrified of continuing to play flag football and she would not let him drop out because that would mean he was quitting and what kind of lesson would he learn? Halfway through their season, she quits on our marriage.


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

I am in the same camp as you all - and it's true, there is comfort in the shared situations of total strangers. The bitterness and the abrupt departure, the blame on me of the problems, and his smugness as he goes about being "helpful" with our daughter, or with finances, even as my whole life falls apart because of him. 

Shared dreams, a child, plans - he's throwing it all away. Will he regret it? I certainly hope so. Now, to just ride out this grief and hope and sadness and wonder, where oh where will I end up?

Love and thoughts to you all - be good to yourselves in the ways spoken to you by your deepest instincts.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Soca, maybe it's a survival tool that they use. They want to move on, they think they can do better, the vows can be ignored.

They can justify their actions and who knows what the truth is. 

Sorry that your suffering too.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Thanks for the response. I can say it's been 2 months since D-Day (Discovery Day) and I have been feeling, eating, sleeping better and implementing the 180 as best I can. We are still living together and the plan is for her to move out in January after the holidays and the kids birthdays (Jan 1). 

I can truthfully say this has been the worst experience of my life but have found comfort/insight in the TAM boards knowing that what I'm feeling is "normal" and a place to come to instead of being clingy/needy/etc to her and can do this here safely instead. Please use this site the same way if you need to.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Soca, I feel for you. Will you be sharing custody? Do you think you'll deal with the holidays ok? Do you have a support system outside of TAM?

Do you come here whenever you feel needy? I did that a few times and it helped. There were other times when I leaned on him but I felt like a burden. 

i only told one friend and it was too much for her. That made me hesitant to tell anyone else. I told my sister and she was wonderfully supportive over the phone/ email but she's telling me to lie to the rest of my family to make the situation seem less desperate.

Problem is that I am desperate, and I am needy and clingy. Most of all, I'm so lonely. I was so into my husband that I chose not to develop close (real/ trusted) bonds with other people, and now I'm paying the price.

I also don't want to seem negative but right now that's all I'm feeling.

I just want the pain to go away. I thought I could rush the stages of grief but I fooled myself. I keep looking around trying to find an answer or a key, something, anything that would make this all better. I still can't believe it actually happened. 

My ex is a liar. I would ask him if everything was ok, and I would ask him if he was ok with me and he would reassure me that everything was fine but it wasn't. He told me that I saved him and maybe I'd save him again. I did do a lot for him and he denies it all. I should be pleased that i'm rid of him because I know if he was anyone else I would cut him out of my life, but he is tangled up in my own identity. 

I've already gotten a lot of the answers that I need from people in this forum. I know what I need to know, I just can't detach emotionally.

Lucy, I hope we can all move past this, I really do.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

C777 -- that sounds a lot like how I ended up -- when he left I really had to start from scratch except for some friends I made at work. But I almost never socialized on my own outside of work, so when he left I was pretty isolated. It's hard to get out of your shell. It's still hard for me. 

There is no quick way to make the pain go away, unfortunately. But, take this time to work on you. Look at the reasons why you allowed yourself to become so completely into him at the expense of yourself. You won't want that to happen again, and the only way to prevent it is to work through issues that you might have inside that led to it. 

It's taken me a lot of time and a lot of pain to get to this point, but I know that I was unhealthy when I met my STBXH, and so was he. We would probably not have ended up together if either one of us had been in a better place psychologically. I can't undo it, and since I had my son with him, I wouldn't want to, so what I have to do is learn from this time in my life. I can honestly say that I don't think I could have learned as much if I hadn't had to go through this break-up. It doesn't make it a good thing, but at least it's not wasted. It can also be a source of discovery for you.


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## soca70 (Oct 30, 2012)

Confused-luckily I have my parents and extended family nearby and we've already had a good Thanksgiving with the kids with the "clan" (minus STBXW) so I'm down one major holiday. I'm also doing IC (individual counseling) and have good friends from our church that I've been able to speak with. I'm still keep this pretty quiet though as we are still living together (maybe that's denial). I would suggest IC for an objective take for you.

Talk about the pain! I felt almost physically immobilized for several days. She drops this on me and takes off for a work trip for 2 weeks and I'm having to get the kids to school, do homework, etc and could barely function. I went on anti-anxiety meds which have helped tremendously and after about 5 weeks began to feel human again.

We are in the stages of beginning to discuss a custody agreement. She wants 50/50 as we are both very hands on, involved parents, and have travel schedules. I will be getting residential custody as I'm keeping the house and will be going for final decision-making authority. Th upcoming weeks will not be pleasant but my attorneys take is that she caused this instability with her actions.

I'm coming here so I don't text, call, stalk her on Facebook, etc and initially I was trying to find the "magic bullet" to make this go away. What I found is that there is no remedy for that but advice to make this more bearable.

I can't say if I'm detaching or not but I think so to a small degree. However all I really want is her to come through the door and say, "My God! What was I thinking?" Unfortunately, I'm not expecting that so I'm trying to deal the best I can.


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Yes, my stbxw will almost definitely never look back. It's sad because I think we all want that affirmation of the fact that we weren't bad husbands/wives. Bu when all is said and done, we have to be good with ourselves with or without that.

Some of us will get that "I was wrong" call some day, some of us will only see the X for custody, some of us will work things out, and some of us will never hear from the X again. What we all have in common is that we all need to plan for a future where we are strong independent people who achieve our own happiness. 

Getting there isn't fun, but talking about it here helps and we have the support of all of these "friends"


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## Dewayne76 (Sep 26, 2012)

lostinspaces said:


> Yes, my stbxw will almost definitely never look back. It's sad because I think we all want that affirmation of the fact that we weren't bad husbands/wives. Bu when all is said and done, we have to be good with ourselves with or without that.
> 
> Some of us will get that "I was wrong" call some day, some of us will only see the X for custody, some of us will work things out, and some of us will never hear from the X again. What we all have in common is that we all need to plan for a future where we are strong independent people who achieve our own happiness.
> 
> Getting there isn't fun, but talking about it here helps and we have the support of all of these "friends"


Well said, very well said.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

C777, unlike your sister, I think you should start telling people in your life and don't soft pedal it. This is a massively difficult time in your life and you need all the show ponies, circus clowns and acrobats invited to your circus. Some if those people around you will surprise you with their wisdom and support. TAMis great but it's the real world that you need to win at. I always felt that being quiet played into a victim mentality at some point and gave your jackass spouse unnecessary power through silence... But I might be alone in that thought. That said, almost everybody likes a circus. 

Oh, and Lucy above... Total rock star. Like a budding young Dolly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Orpheus said:


> I always felt that being quiet played into a victim mentality at some point and gave your jackass spouse unnecessary power through silence... But I might be alone in that thought.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are not. I feel the same way and remind myself of that whenever the X tries to guilt me about the fact that I told someone what she did/is doing. 

It is our life too people, and if it makes you feel better to tell someone what happened then do it! We are living for ourselves now remember? The Xs chose to end our obligation to make decisions that benefit the "couple".


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## lucy mulholland (May 18, 2010)

All I feel like doing tonight (after reaching out to as many friends as I could, even talking with a good one for over and hour) is taking my daughter and moving somewhere so I don't have to see the light on in my husband's new shop (which he moved out of our house last week) in our small town, or see pics of him on FB with his new friends (incl. a mutual friend he admitted being "into"). I feel like he doesn't deserve any of the things that come with being committed to your partner and family. 

At the same time, I feel like calling him, having him over, and making love. Trying to make it all better. 

What a roller coaster. I'm shaking with the intensity of it all. 

Orpheus - Dolly?


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

You are all very strong people here, and it's heartbreaking just reading of all of your plights. It certainly would be confusing and frustrating to be in such a position, but at the same time have lingering feelings towards an estranged or distant spouse. The common theme here seems to be remaining true to self and doing what *you* need to do to avoid being hurt and abused. I hope things all work out for you all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

Moving on has indeed been the best for me. I move out in a few days and have been traveling this week. I feel SO much better without the constant reminder of her. 

I think you would too. 

Drop him on FB or at least block his posts so you don't see them. Work on yourself and try to find ways to distract yourself and/or ignore what you have to see of him. 

Surround yourself with your support network. That's what they are there for. 

Remember that if he is ever going to feel like he made a mistake it liked wont happen quickly and definitely not while he is in the "exciting" phase of an affair or new relationship. The common belief seems to be that those wayward spouses who do regret their decisions usually take at LEAST 6 mo to do so ... And many say a year. Do you really want to put your life on hold that long on the off chance of a R? 

Or would you rather live and enjoy life? Both ways may have the same ending, but one has you trying to be happy in the meantime and the other seems like giving up. 

I'm choosing happiness.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Apologies for threadjack, Lucy unplug from him on social media immediately!!!! Of you can't unfriendly him for personal politics at the moment there are a number of other things to do to mirror that. You can unsubscribe from his feeds and relegate him to where he can't see much of what you post. All too detailed to go into here. Google it. There is zero upside to being connected to him on FB currently. 

Dolly = Dolly Stanford. Longtime poster here. A very well put together and strong lady. IMHO.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I can relate to much of what you said Angel. We were both hurting when we met. Sad thing is that he is all healed now, his pockets are lined and he's on his way. He will never see it like this though and maybe I'm being too hard on him. 

Soca, if my stbxh had left for 2 weeks right after the news, I wouldn't have been able to hold it together. It's got to feel good to have the kids with you though, eh? They must give you some strength and purpose to better yourself and get through this.

And, I agree about playing the victim by keeping quiet about this whole thing. However it does suit me to stay living here, rent is cheap and everything is familiar - probably not the best reasons. I might leave the country soon too so don't want to sign up for a lease until I know what I'm doing.

The down side is that after a crappy day, the ex offered to cook but I declined the offer. Then he gave me some food when I woke up (I keep sleeping) and I ate just a little. Finally, he gave me some health advice. 

His behaviour toward me just made me feel great, I'm still riding a bit of the high right now. And yet, I know he's done and would be gone if he had a course that he needs (he's going to want my help with it too).

You know, writing all this stuff helps me to see how much of a doormat I'm being. I think it's because I still want him back. If only it would sink in that he doesn't want me anymore.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

The push and pull is very, very hard. Anything positive seems like a hint that he might be changing, especially when one is looking for those hints with a magnifying glass. If, as it seems, he sees himself in the power position in your relationship, he can afford to be nice to you now. He's in control. Please don't mistake that behavior for true kindness, even if he tries to convince you that's what it is.

Why is it important to your sister that your family not see your situation the way it really is? Is it because they're not here with you? We kept our split secret from everyone on both sides of our family (they lived about 1200 miles away) except for STBXH's older sister. We didn't tell anyone else until I had a new place and had to give everyone my new address and cell number. We were separated, yet living together for about 7 months. I wish I hadn't kept it all secret. It's hurting me now, because he's spinning his own stories, and they're obviously not the truth.

And...your H may seem healed now. But he's not. A healed person wouldn't do what he's doing to you. Of course that's not how he sees it, but he's not really being honest about things, is he?


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Angel, I left my family 7/8 years ago, I flew across the Atlantic without them knowing. I started to contact them a few months ago but only through email/ post. I feel ashamed to call them all up now and say "Surprise! My marriage failed so I want you all back in my life!!"

Culture is a bit of a ****** in my situation as well because it brings shackles with it. I'm pretty resistant to it's demands but my family aren't. Divorce is taboo, people stay in unhappy marriages and so divorces make people suspicious. My sister is aware of this and is just trying to ease my re-introduction. (I can't lie very well so we'll see how long that lasts).

I know it all sounds backwards, it's my culture (not my faith). I've been gone so long, things might be different now but I am concerned. I wish I had a safe and loving place I could go to. The only "home" I knew was my ex. This is what really hurts.

I can hold a job, I can socialize, but I don't feel intrinsically confident. I started to take a confidence class and it is so insightful. I know that I need to seize control of my own life and be true to myself. Maybe struggles are what I need to shake off all the fears I've developed and emerge a better person - like a cleansing. I think I became dependant on my husband, ugh, I hate to admit it  

I believe you're right. My ex feels good about himself when he offers kindness to me but it is bogus. I know I'm weak and pathetic right now but I hope that some day, I look back and chuckle to myself. I hope I shake my head in disbelief and know that I am worth more than what I accepted. I hope I don't care about him anymore, hope theres no "special place in my heart for him". I hope I am indifferent. Wish I could rush that feeling but it's only been 2 weeks.

Reminds me of that book "Henry Sugar". Henry goes through a positive transformation and no longer has the same needs/ wants that originally inspired the transformation.

I read that attachment vs love link you had posted - it was food for thought, thx. 

And, I'm not a complete pushover...just highlighting my insecurities here.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Of course you want him back - it's only been two weeks! Even I wanted my ex back after two weeks and he's a complete tool who bled me dry for years

You're not weak and pathetic - it takes guts to move your whole life to another country, leaving behind everything you know and starting afresh somewhere strange. But guess what, you did it once....


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

I had to unplug my husband on fb...matter of fact...this is going to sound sooo childish...but I created his fb page...it took me a lot of time to post those albums and set it all up and do what he wanted with his pics and such and tho..
Well he was being a **** on there so I friggin' took back his page and deactivated his account. That was the 'last' thing I did. After that was the beginning of the 180. I'll be damned if I'm going to watch him be all 'happy happy'...infront of me with his walking out on me and ****. F* that...go make your own damn page. Your making me do **** on my own...with this lake house that needs maintenance...go figure out how to make a fb page and good luck with that and all the pics you 'don't' have. You wanna 'start over'...start over [email protected]@hole. 

sorry... I musta needed to get that out confused...


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

^ that is all kinds of start-over awesome, Stella!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lostinspaces (Oct 22, 2012)

It's been 1 month and 8 days for me and I still want my stbxw back. I just know that would not be a good thing for me. I think there are stages to this part of the healing too confused. 

First, you want them back no matter what, then you want them back if they make certain changes, then you want them back if you can be SURE they are 100% committed to making it work, then you secretly want them back (only admitting it here and to VERy close friends ... This is where I am) with the conditions mentioned previously ... ??? ... ??? ... Then you don't want them back anymore. 

I can't wait until I'm where Dolly is now. Just remember we'll all get there eventually. It just takes different amounts of time for different people.


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## SecretTears (Jul 18, 2010)

Hi C777. I can relate to a lot of what you are saying. It's been 10 days since my ex told me he did not want to be in the relationship anymore. Like you, he after the separation, he cooked me dinner, made me coffee in the morning. The first couple of times it happened I thought he was coming around but now I realize he was just a) easing his own conscience and b) was using me for companionship. I had no choice but to move out and that roller coaster is much less now (I'm pretty much unhappy and distracted all the time - but at least it's predictable ). He still texts me every day but I have not responded since Monday - have vowed to ignore him until Sunday. Be strong and try to live your own life now (or fake it until you make it!) What is it that you've always wanted to do (even just a little thing to start off with)? Plan on how you will do it. Research the steps. Dream about it. It will keep your mind occupied and give you something to look forward to. 

I can also relate somewhat to your family situation. I am very close to my brother, who I've told, but I have not told any close friends or even my mother yet. I am not close to the rest of my family but like you, it's like "Surprise I am coming home for xmas because my marriage has failed"! I understand what you are going through. I don't think I can talk to my mother over the phone because a) I don't know how she will react and b) I don't know how I will react. So I have decided to do it over email. 

One hour at a time!


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## BigMac (Oct 29, 2012)

> He still texts me every day but I have not responded since Monday - have vowed to ignore him until Sunday


GREAT job St 

Please continue doing it and be prepared , he'll come around for sure after some time . He'll realize what is he losing .

Be strong and stay on 180. 

Good luck .


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

confused777 said:


> I can hold a job, I can socialize, but I don't feel intrinsically confident. I started to take a confidence class and it is so insightful. I know that I need to seize control of my own life and be true to myself. Maybe struggles are what I need to shake off all the fears I've developed and emerge a better person - like a cleansing. I think I became dependant on my husband, ugh, I hate to admit it
> 
> I believe you're right. My ex feels good about himself when he offers kindness to me but it is bogus. I know I'm weak and pathetic right now but I hope that some day, I look back and chuckle to myself. I hope I shake my head in disbelief and know that I am worth more than what I accepted. I hope I don't care about him anymore, hope theres no "special place in my heart for him". I hope I am indifferent. Wish I could rush that feeling but it's only been 2 weeks.
> 
> And, I'm not a complete pushover...just highlighting my insecurities here.


C777 -- like Dolly said, it's totally natural that you're still missing him this soon after your world exploded. It's not at all weak or pathetic. You sound incredibly insightful about what's going on inside and what you want to work on. Taking classes, reading -- great things to do during this time. And it sounds like you're trying to take it all in, which is the only way it's all going to help you. 

Don't hate to admit you were dependent on your husband. You were in a new country, no family support network. It's also really difficult for any couple to strike that balance between interdependent and codependent. 

You are going through really tough times right now, but I have no doubt that you have the inner strength and wisdom to come out the other side in a much better place. 

I hope that you will be pleasantly surprised by the reaction of your family. I was. They have all been very supportive, even though their religious beliefs are very against divorce. I didn't get married in the church, yet they didn't hold that over my head as a cause for the break-up of my marriage. I realize that it's not the same as your situation, with your family in another country where their culture/religion undoubtedly has a stronger impact than it does here. 

Take care. You are already taking big steps. You may not look back at this and necessarily chuckle someday, but you will be able to look at it from a position of wellness and strength.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

A few days ago I told everyone about our divorce. My family and the rest of my friends were supportive but his were devastated. It was exhausting. 

I don't want to get into details but I am offering him help. Help that I can give now and help any time down the road. His own family don't give a damn about him and I can't help but feel sorry for him so I'm willing to do what it takes for him to be ok during this transition. 

However, he is good looking, unique, a seasoned traveller/ explorer. All very romantic and appealing. He was also incredibly affectionate but irritable and sensitive. I don't think he'll have a problem finding someone else. Someone better than me and someone who he will have kids with. It makes me sick to my stomach.

I was only worth 7/8 years to him. My worth ran out. If he hadn't thought he could do better than me than surely he would have stayed. I wouldn't want that (I lie) but he did think he could do better. 

He knew me better than anyone and he gave up on me. How can this be good for me? How can a person get over feeling like they weren't enough? No amount of IC or reflection can hide the truth. Am I supposed to go on an endless search to find someone who does think I'm worthy?....That just irks me. I want to run away from everything.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This is what we all go through to some extent, C777. I felt the same way, for sure. 

Look at what you have said above. That says waaaay more about him than it says about you. Who gets rid of someone when they no longer have 'worth' to them? A user, that's who.

Someone who truly loves you doesn't look at you with an eye towards your worth to them, like a resource or a commodity. He probably will find someone else. God help her. She will be in your place someday. Even worse would be if he did actually become a father. Being a child of someone like him is not a life any child should have. You can imagine the psychological damage he could inflict.

Keep going to IC. Why? Find out why you were attracted to someone like him. Find out what signals you sent that made you attractive to someone like him. I've been going to intensive therapy for about two years, IC and group. It's been very revealing, and very healing. Without it, I can guarantee you, I'd be in a relationship with the first man who made me feel 'worthy' and 'loved.' And I'd be in the same mess I'm getting out of.

You have power in your hands to change your future, C777. Use this as a chance to learn and do things right next time. Don't focus on him. He doesn't define you --- unless YOU give him that power.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Angel, it seems like a long daunting road up ahead. All of this recovery and healing. I can't accept that it's over, my heart is denying the truth and I'm stuck. 

I lost something that I can't replace.

Group therapy sounds good, but it will have to happen once I've left this place.

I do look forward to passing this stage. What "stage" would you put yourself at, if you don't mind me asking?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

confused, did you ever check phone records and emails and texts to see exactly WHO he's been talking to about your marriage? 

As in, what woman?


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

C777 -- I've known for a long time that it's over, but it still hurt a lot that he wouldn't try, that he got so involved with someone so quickly, discounted everything we had, etc. I still don't totally understand the mental gymnastics one has to go through to be able to do that, but I've gotten to the point where I've stopped trying. 

My focus now is on me, and on my son. There are a lot of questions I may never get answers to. Like, How could I have gotten involved with someone like him? Was it a waste? Did we ever love each other? I have to let some of that go, and just say -- there was a lot going on inside me, and inside him. We did the best we could for a while, and yes we probably did love each other the best we knew how. 

I'm now at the stage where I feel like I don't 'need' someone to be happy. I am learning about myself, what makes me tick. I'd love to have someone to share my life with. But I no longer feel like I need someone to 'complete' me or give me value. I have value on my own. I will wait til I meet someone who values me as I am, instead of needing me to change for him. It's not worth it otherwise.

There is an amazing feeling of freedom now.

I just returned from seeing my divorce lawyer. I never thought I'd feel 'high' after such an appointment. The idea of this relationship ending, of failing my child in giving him a broken home, used to be overwhelming. 

Now I know I'm giving him a better mom, and that will be giving him a better home. We are closer than we've ever been while we were all 'together.' And he only lives with me half the time.

It's been a long road, C777. He have me the 'speech' that he wanted to split 2 nights before Thanksgiving 2010. We did in-house separation for another 6+ months after that, while he dragged me along, saying we were 'working on it.' Then I moved out, and started reading, journaling, and supplementing my IC with group therapy, and a support group for DV survivors (never physical with us, but definitely emotional). 

You will get there. A wound won't heal until you clean it out. It will hurt at first, but you will feel much better after it's healed.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

Hmm...like so many people, I really don't think anything else was going on. I can't even go there right now.

I believe he saw what was out there, resented me a little more and that was enough for him to check out.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Fair enough. Just know that if he IS cheating, if you fight the affair, you have a chance of getting your husband back. But if you just go along, you never will.


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

angelpixie said:


> we probably did love each other the best we knew how.
> 
> ...
> 
> You will get there. A wound won't heal until you clean it out. It will hurt at first, but you will feel much better after it's healed.


He tells me he loves me but I try to deny it and make up lies. We had something worth fighting for and he gave up on me. I would have stayed with him until his last breath but he couldn't do the same for me.

A couple months back I'd bought a card which showed a whimsical waterfront with an old fisherman couple slow dancing and a ginger cat on the boardwalk. It was "us", how we'd grow old together. It was still in it's plastic sleeve. I gave it to my ex last week, I told him to throw it away. Today, while packing, I found he had hidden it. He loves me - but it's not enough.

You're lucky to have a son, and he's lucky to have a mom who cares so much about providing a warm and wholesome life for him. I can see the similarities in our situation and it does give me hope that I could be happy but (and I'm sure you'll understand) right now I want the picture on that card and nothing else.

Yes, I'll heal and I'll forget the things without him there to remind me of what I don't have anymore. I might even find someone again and experience a happier relationship, but there will always be that scar and no one will know exactly what we had and my memories will be lonely ones.

He moves out on Monday, then we plan to meet so we can file together and after that I may never see him again.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

I totally understand. There are hurts that will never go away. I see him infatuated with his gf, and remember when he acted that way with me. I, too, dreamed of growing old together. There are songs that even now I'm not ready to listen to (Where Have You Been? by Kathy Mattea. Oh, God, no -- can't listen to that one).

I really wish the best for you C777. It is good that you know he still has love for you. There's still a seed that could possibly grow, you never know.

I didn't have that possibility, so I made myself go forward. I owe a lot to the people here on TAM. I wish I found them earlier in my journey.


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

Just wanted to echo angelpixie. It's great advice. Move forward as if they are never coming back. It's the only way to concentrate on what you want to be rather than what you think they wanted you to be. That said, way I see it in my situation, she may have closed the door behind her but I don't have to change the locks until *I* am ready to.



angelpixie said:


> I owe a lot to the people here on TAM. I wish I found them earlier in my journey.


 :smthumbup: 

I am sure I am not the only one that finds you incredibly inspiring now Angelpixie.


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