# How do I get over someone I can’t have?



## starlight3300 (2 mo ago)

I am female in my mid 30’s and have been married for almost ten years. I will spare everyone the full story or of what I did or why I did it…So, I had an emotional affair with a guy I worked with that lasted nearly three years. I fell very madly in love with him. I know what I did was horrible, I feel bad for what I did but I make no excuses.

Anyway, early this year in January, things came to a head when I was laid off from my job and it essentially ended the affair I had with him. In the subsequent weeks of not seeing him daily, I fell into a deep depression and my husband had figured out I was in love with this man. I suppose I didn’t fully realize the extent of my feelings until that moment. My husband is a board certified behavioral analyst and not much get passed him. My husband knew this man existed and I kind of assumed he had his suspicions. Of course it devastated him all the same and he lost trust in me. I don’t blame him at all for that.

I made the decision for us to separate so I could regroup and figure out my head. Things did briefly heat up with this man as we started talking outside of work. I really thought we would be together and I would leave my husband for him. However, in the coming months we spoke less and less until he eventually stopped talking to me altogether.

I will not get into great detail about how much I ended up hurt by him. My mental health took a downward spiral. In the time I was separated from hubby I slept with several men, as many as four in a short span of time. I suppose I was trying to fill a void had left by this man. I was always chasing the way he made me feel but never found it again.

In the present time, my husband and I are back together. Being together makes more sense financially and with the kids. Also my husband is not the type of guy who can be alone. I suppose I felt being with him was better than being alone myself. We have both been in therapy, separate and together. He has worked on forgiving me and trusting me again. Our marriage is probably as good and as strong as it’s going to be, but to be honest my love for him is just not there anymore. I care for deeply for him but once I have felt that love for the other guy, the love for my husband just cannot go back to what it was.

Even after all these months of therapy, I struggle to get over him and can’t stop wanting what I can’t have. I also still struggle with the loss of the job I loved and trying to find that again. Just like how I was sleeping with quite a few men, I am also on my 4th job since the beginning of the year.

Now, I finally where I want to be job wise and my marriage is stable. So why am I still not over this man, and how do I get over him? I have tried and tried. I am not delusional and I know he is not going to come back and sweep me off my feet. However, I cannot forget him. The pain hasn’t stopped hurting for a second. Do I just need to give it more time? It’s been almost a year, how much more time do I need to give myself? I feel like it’s an eternity yet not a long time at all. It’s very sad that I’m probably more in love with this man as time goes on and I am very sad and pathetic. How can I start to move on with my life? My friends tell me I need to do stuff like delete his old texts and his number from my phone and throw away old gifts from him. However, just the mere thought of that makes me want to break down in a panic attack.

I still have so much pain, hurt and anger towards him I feel like I will never heal. Has anyone dealt with anything similar and any tips on how to cope?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I have no answers for how cruel you are. I guess it isn’t cheating after you separate from your husband just so you can figure/have some guys f your brains out. Then you go back to your husband?


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

*Edited*

Try being single...as in, alone...talk to your hubby and be alone.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why did that guy stop talking to you?

You really should divorce because your husband deserves way better than this. If he knew _all_ of this, I think he’d take his chances being alone over staying with someone who is so reckless.

I think in time if you stay no contact with the other guy, you’ll get over him and I think you need to take some time to heal and figure out why you’ve made such reckless decisions. If you’re not in love with your husband, you owe it to him and yourself to end things. That’s just my opinion.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RoseyPosey713 said:


> Be a hoe! LOL! BE A HOE!
> 
> By HOE I mean... Happiness. Over. Everything...not from a man or a relationship, but from you! LOL!
> 
> Go out! Get your sexy back, get back into the gym or something you love doing that makes you happy! Do what makes your heart smile! Get on a dating site and go meet people! Have fun. Love on yourself! Girl!


She’s married, though.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I mean on some level you must know that the love or whatever it is you felt for this man is something that comes from within you and not an exchange that's also coming from him. He likely didn't want to be involved with someone he knew was married and crossing a line because if you'll do it to your husband, you'll do it to the new guy, and everybody seems to know that these days.

Whatever you felt is something inside yourself. You've lost that feeling for your husband. In some way you need to work on getting your actions in line with your feelings.

If you love someone, the last thing you want to do is hurt them. I'm just not sure you can love someone and do something to hurt them at the same time and call that a dedicated mature love.

You also have to realize that like you say, that work emotional affair was confined to work and behavior at work. There's no telling how much you don't know about that guy and his behavior and his depth if you were actually in his personal life for long enough to find out or living with him. The whole thing might just disappear in a puff of smoke, which it sounds like it may have done for him.

You have that passion to give someone and you need to decide if you can live without pursuing that and stay with your husband that you've lost that feeling for or if you are always going to be restless and miserable if you're not free to see if you can have a passionate love again.

For many people passion just doesn't last though. Once you're sharing real life with someone, that often dampens the high of passionate love, because you're only getting the fun part.

I would say you should probably just be in individual counseling in addition to whatever you're doing now if you are very conflicted.

As miserable as you may be I have to believe your betrayed husband is even more sick with hurt. You don't want to do that to him again.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

It would be easier to tell you how to get over him that it would be to tell you how to fall back in love with your husband and get your feelings back for him.

You get over someone by using self-discipline and when you catch yourself thinking about them you deliberately refocus what you're thinking about. In this case you might just remind yourself that in the end he didn't want to be with you so he knows something you don't that would prevent him from loving you.

You don't dwell on it. You just change your thoughts to something else every time you catch yourself. We might have to take up a hobby or something just to get interest back in your life or start working out or something. But it takes work to get over someone. However that is all within your control. You can do it if you want to.


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

I thought she left her husband...That's wrong...


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## RoseyPosey713 (2 mo ago)

"In the present time, my husband and I are back together. Being together makes more sense financially and with the kids. Also my husband is not the type of guy who can be alone. I suppose I felt being with him was better than being alone myself. We have both been in therapy, separate and together. He has worked on forgiving me and trusting me again. Our marriage is probably as good and as strong as it’s going to be, but to be honest my love for him is just not there anymore. I care for deeply for him but once I have felt that love for the other guy, the love for my husband just cannot go back to what it was."

I don't think you should be with anyone that you don't have a healthy emotional connection to. But that's just me.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

you know the marriage is over

Although your husband is troubled and it's not nice to say, there's no point in staying with him.

you have to get divorced and have relationships

As people who share the same house with financial and social concerns, life is already unbearable.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

I hate to say this but this type of thing may never truly "go away"...the only thing you have to lean on is time. And more time. 

The worst part of these stories is that you are seemingly stuck in honeymoon phase, you will never see the down side, that many other relationships endure. 

I don't know if I could do what your husband is doing, but he may only be doing it for the kids and has his own plan. I dunno. 

Wish I could offer a better solution. Fake it til you make it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Did you sleep or have sexual relations with this man? You are calling it an emotional affair whereas I suspect that it was a physical affair.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Do you know why you became involved in the affair? Was there something missing in the marriage? 

Sometimes when a man enters into an affair with a married woman he does so feeling she is "safe" as they can have the affair without fears that she will want something more. Many times it is the woman that becomes attached emotionally. The hormones released in the brain from sex are terribly powerful. 

How are you planning to go forward from this point? Are you planning to stay with your husband? 

Recovery takes time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

starlight3300 said:


> Anyway, early this year in January, things came to a head when I was laid off from my job and it essentially ended the affair I had with him. In the subsequent weeks of not seeing him daily, I fell into a deep depression
> 
> I made the decision for us to separate so I could regroup and figure out my head. Things did briefly heat up with this man as we started talking outside of work. I really thought we would be together and I would leave my husband for him.
> 
> ...


I don't know if the OP will be back after the thrashing she is likely to get, so I want to point out a few things to some of the newer TAM members on why some of us old timers here advise some of the things we do to the BS, 

This post in almost a textbook case study in the things that almost universally occur when a WW falls for a coworker. 

First off, a work affair can go on for a long time, almost 3 years in this instance. A WW can fall pretty dang hard in this time and the affair can take on a whole life of it's own to where people are basically living double lives where all the fun and excitement are wrapped up in the affair with the AP and the work and domestic duties fall on the BH .... who was likely not having any fun or excitement at all. 

secondly, it is quite common for a WW to fall into a depression and deeply mourn the loss of the OM and the affair. 

Next, when a WW suggests a separation, it is almost always in attempt to have unrestricted access to the OM to see if she can secure a future with him. 

Even though she says the separation is to "Find herself" and even to "work on the marriage" she often is still seeing the OM on the downlow. 

If that fails, it's also not rare to try some other potential APs on for size and go through a real ho phase. 

When none of those things pan out, she will almost always turn back up on the BH's doorstep like a stray cat looking for a can of tuna. 

She will cry and plead and say she made the worst mistake of her life and do all she can to get back under his roof. ....... but her heart is never truly in it. 

She not only pines for the OM and the fun and excitement and orgasms they used to have, but try as she might and regardless of the promises she makes, she just can not get her heart or her desire back in the marriage. 

She is with the BH for financial support and provisioning and to maintain public appearances and image management. 

So now that they are playing house and perhaps are even going to MC and therapy etc, she is just going through those motions to keep a roof over her head while she mourns and tries to work through the grief of the loss of the OM.

And the very real risk here is if the OM were to call her up and whisper promises in her ear, she would dash out the door so fast the door wouldn't even hit her ass if she thought she had to be with the OM. 

The only thing the BH would hear from her would be where to forward her mail and send her clothes. 

So everyone use this as a TAM homework assignment on what a BH faces when his wife has an office affair, or really any affair for that matter because this story above is right out of the manual and is a near perfect case study. 

This is why some of us are so foreboding when a guy shows up here and says his wife has been acting differently since some guy named Kevin started working in sales at her job and he finds some inappropriate texts on her phone when she is asleep at night. 

It all may sound very circumstancial and not very damming, but this story up above is what is actually occuring under the surface. Read it all closely and let it soak in because this is what is happening with her behind the scenes.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Why did that guy stop talking to you?
> 
> You really should divorce because your husband deserves way better than this. If he knew _all_ of this, I think he’d take his chances being alone over staying with someone who is so reckless.
> 
> I think in time if you stay no contact with the other guy, you’ll get over him and I think you need to take some time to heal and figure out why you’ve made such reckless decisions. If you’re not in love with your husband, you owe it to him and yourself to end things. That’s just my opinion.


My guess is that OP lost her charm after she left her husband and he lost interest. At least it shows he didn’t have any interest in OP after all.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

oldshirt said:


> I don't know if the OP will be back after the thrashing she is likely to get, so I want to point out a few things to some of the newer TAM members on why some of us old timers here advise some of the things we do to the BS,
> 
> This post in almost a textbook case study in the things that almost universally occur when a WW falls for a coworker.
> 
> ...


Completely typical


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

I thank God for my moral, loving, faithful and emotionally stable wife, every time I read one of these.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re a stone cold using *****. Grow a pair and leave. You are truly deplorable


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Listen to your friends. They have the right idea. Get rid of everything that reminds you of him. You’ll never heal otherwise.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

RoseyPosey713 said:


> "In the present time, my husband and I are back together. Being together makes more sense financially and with the kids. Also my husband is not the type of guy who can be alone. I suppose I felt being with him was better than being alone myself. We have both been in therapy, separate and together. He has worked on forgiving me and trusting me again. Our marriage is probably as good and as strong as it’s going to be, but to be honest my love for him is just not there anymore. I care for deeply for him but once I have felt that love for the other guy, the love for my husband just cannot go back to what it was."
> 
> I don't think you should be with anyone that you don't have a healthy emotional connection to. But that's just me.


Then leave him. How terrible to lead him on


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@starlight3300 I suggested therapy/counselling for you. Also, advise your husband to get STD tests. You risked his health.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

@starlight3300 

You have been possessed.

A spirit outside yourself has taken away your agency.

I know these things.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

starlight3300 said:


> I am female in my mid 30’s and have been married for almost ten years. I will spare everyone the full story or of what I did or why I did it…So, I had an emotional affair with a guy I worked with that lasted nearly three years. I fell very madly in love with him. I know what I did was horrible, I feel bad for what I did but I make no excuses.
> 
> Anyway, early this year in January, things came to a head when I was laid off from my job and it essentially ended the affair I had with him. In the subsequent weeks of not seeing him daily, I fell into a deep depression and my husband had figured out I was in love with this man. I suppose I didn’t fully realize the extent of my feelings until that moment. My husband is a board certified behavioral analyst and not much get passed him. My husband knew this man existed and I kind of assumed he had his suspicions. Of course it devastated him all the same and he lost trust in me. I don’t blame him at all for that.
> 
> ...


You’re in love with a perfect figment of your imagination, not the man who you had an affair with. 

Regardless it’s not fair to your husband. At all. I don’t think you are healthy enough to be in any relationship, period. I think you owe it to your husband to be honest and forthright. He should be aware that he is trying to reconcile with a person who does not love him and is not faithful to him in her heart or mind.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

ABHale said:


> I have no answers for how cruel you are. I guess it isn’t cheating after you separate from your husband just so you can figure/have some guys f your brains out. Then you go back to your husband?


If he's stupid enough to take her back, why not? I don't know why everyone's bashing her; people tend to do what they can get away with. That's just human nature.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ugh. You really have no idea do you? Read up on Dr Minwalla’s Secret Sexual Basement. Make sure your “husband” does as well. You need to understand what you’ve done to him and he needs to understand his feelings are valid.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> If he's stupid enough to take her back, why not? I don't know why everyone's bashing her; people tend to do what they can get away with. That's just human nature.


It may be some people's human nature but not all.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

You are very cruel.

Your husband is very cruel to himself to keep accepting you back.

Perhaps he settled for you too, 

Perhaps he's cheating as well.


Divorce.


You don't love your husband.
He isn't the man you want nor desire.

You are only with him because you're basically using him for his money.

Also because the other guy rejected you, and you possibly the other men did as well.

Your husband deserves better than this.


You have no respect for your children because you have no respect for their father.


Please divorce and remain single.


Get therapy.


You have extremely low or non existent self esteem.

Settling for a relationship and a man that you don't want, all because you have issues being single..

A person isn't alone if they're single, unless they make themselves to be.


Plus all those other men rejected you, that's why you're back.

You wanted to be desired.
They didn't find you desirable.

Your marriage is over. Has been over probably the entire duration.

Your marriage is forever broken,

who are you trying to convince that it's as good or strong as it had been? Yourself?



It was never strong or good.

You settled.
You will never be happy with your husband.





or anybody.


..unless you fix what's broken and missing internally.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> It may be some people's human nature but not all.



He may think that she really loves, wants, and desires him. 

Maybe he thinks that she's truly remorseful.

He may believe her because he genuinely loves her.


Both of them have low self esteem and are codependent on each other.




Let's hope they seperate for good.. eventually.


Highly doubt it. But very hopeful .

Oh well.


This is what happens when you settle..

Especially when it's something that you never genuinely wanted.


Eventually it all boils over.


Oh well..
Their lives..
Their choices.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

I didn’t go through the responses because I know already you’re going to be reemed. This is the consequence of your affair. Until it goes away, it simply is what it is. 

I too had an affair almost 13 years ago and that man has never fully left me. I do believe a part of me will always love him and it’s unbelievably painful at times. 

I won’t even touch on you still being with your husband. I’m sure many have told you how terrible you are, ect, ect. I don’t judge in that manner: that is something you’ll both have to figure out.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Married mothers aren’t supposed to date. Did you miss that memo? I don’t know how you lay your head down at night. Harsh? Affairs and divorce destroy children. And YOU are supposed to be the person that keeps them safe and secure. I guess motherhood isn’t for everyone. Leave the kids with your husband and you’ll be free to screw anyone you want.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

starlight3300 said:


> I am female in my mid 30’s and have been married for almost ten years. I will spare everyone the full story or of what I did or why I did it…So, I had an emotional affair with a guy I worked with that lasted nearly three years. I fell very madly in love with him. I know what I did was horrible, I feel bad for what I did but I make no excuses.
> 
> Anyway, early this year in January, things came to a head when I was laid off from my job and it essentially ended the affair I had with him. In the subsequent weeks of not seeing him daily, I fell into a deep depression and my husband had figured out I was in love with this man. I suppose I didn’t fully realize the extent of my feelings until that moment. My husband is a board certified behavioral analyst and not much get passed him. My husband knew this man existed and I kind of assumed he had his suspicions. Of course it devastated him all the same and he lost trust in me. I don’t blame him at all for that.
> 
> ...


I suspect the jerk is a married guy and why you cannot be with him.
It`s obvious by the tone of the OP`s post that she has no respect and not in love with her husband, probably never been in love with him. The worst part is, this deceitful cheating woman/cheating wife has total lack of compassion and lack of empathy towards the situation although she is committing domestic abuse against her husband. Where these women are concerned it becomes all about them and their couldn`t give a rat`s behind attitudes. What good man wants to be with and support a wife who is willing to give herself up to another guy or guys for free? What this woman`s husband has got is a parasite that’s using him and then will screw him over by giving more of herself up to other guys than her husband.
Her husband is living with a soulless, lying, deceitful, non-compassionate woman, delusional, self-esteem deficient, morally bankrupt creature. The good husband she claims to be with will be broken because she has nothing to bring to the table except emotional turmoil. In addition, she also has great expectations he’ll do everything for her, make her feel better, and provide the life she feels she deserves. All this while she has an affair and rides the carousel with other guys behind his back. A woman who wants the support and security of the good guy and to party with the “bad boys” she really wants to be with and giving herself up for free while her husband is financially supporting her lifestyle. If this sounds like a good deal I`ll eat my head. I say to her husband, good luck with that.
Who would want live with someone that is not what they seem to be at face value, not truly your friend, and is just using you while secretly seeking their jollies elsewhere, probably giving up more of themselves to others than to you and unwittingly having strangers brought into your relationship, including not even a thought of the psychological damage this may bring on the children?
This is the deal one is getting when married to a cheater.
I do hope your husband comes to his senses and kicks you out in the street, including contacting the wives of the guys you`ve been with if they are married.
Sorry I sound so harsh but this is the wake up call that may bring you to your senses, because facts are facts.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

I can’t remember which reconciliation Bullcrap book I was reading during my faithful attempt at eating the sh** sandwich reconciling. But I remember one chapter that discussed how to show compassion for the cheater as they come to terms with the loss of their affair partner, and the love they shared and are losing, so that we could fully support them in their quest to rebuild the marriage with us. To make the marriage “better than it’s ever been”, we must be compassionate, empathetic. Understanding.

I wondered at the time what kind of lunatic would come up with that really messed up thinking and then actually convey it to a person who throws up and has panic attacks from the deception, heartbreak and the loss of their entire world? Now I’m convinced it was a psychologist who was also a very passionate cheater. Or maybe a psychologist who is married to one such person. 🤔 Somehow, it reminds me of this situation. I think OP must have a husband that prescribes to this kind of illogic.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

You need to go to your affair partner's house and hold a boombox over your head playing his favorite song until he comes out and falls madly in love with you. It will work, I've seen it.
Also divorce your poor husband.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

Rubix Cubed said:


> You need to go to your affair partner's house and hold a boombox over your head playing his favorite song until he comes out and falls madly in love with you. It will work, I've seen it.
> Also divorce your poor husband.


If it works for a Cusak it can work for you too!


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

QuietRiot said:


> I can’t remember which reconciliation Bullcrap book I was reading during my faithful attempt at eating the sh** sandwich reconciling. But I remember one chapter that discussed how to show compassion for the cheater as they come to terms with the loss of their affair partner, and the love they shared and are losing, so that we could fully support them in their quest to rebuild the marriage with us. To make the marriage “better than it’s ever been”, we must be compassionate, empathetic. Understanding.
> 
> I wondered at the time what kind of lunatic would come up with that really messed up thinking and then actually convey it to a person who throws up and has panic attacks from the deception, heartbreak and the loss of their entire world? Now I’m convinced it was a psychologist who was also a very passionate cheater. Or maybe a psychologist who is married to one such person. 🤔 Somehow, it reminds me of this situation. I think OP must have a husband that prescribes to this kind of illogic.


You make very good point, I call it the Woke generation. Sounds asinine doesn't it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

A relative of my wife had a first husband who died in WW2. She remarried a great guy, raised kids with him, and a few years ago that husband died. Upon the death of her second husband she traveled to Germany to visit and explore the area where her first husband died and review some of the remaining records. Upon returning to the states she wrote and published a book about the love of her life….the first husband.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@starlight3300 

Now that you have finally made the decision to "get over" this EA guy you have to take steps to do that. As devastated as you feel because this guy you were talking to at work has not followed through to be with you, think about how devastated your husband must feel because the woman he took vows with who is the mother of his children betrayed him. His pain has to be worse then yours. You are hurt because a fantasy didn't come true. Your husband has to deal with the reality of what you did. 

Now that you understand true pain, it's time for some gratitude & better self talk. When you find yourself thinking of this man, acknowledge in your head that is what you are doing. Say to yourself "Stop. I'm married & he's bad for me." Then think of 3 reasons why you are with your husband. Try to vary them but things like my husband is a good guy; he makes a good salary; he has a good sense of humor; we have great kids. . . whatever it is that you love about your husband. Every day do something extra nice for your husband. Text him "I love you". Make his favorite meals. Buy his favorite candy bar at the store. Offer a foot massage & don't forget physical ways you can show appreciation in the bed room. In short make your husband the center of your world again. 

If you can't or won't do that divorce may be your only answer


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

MattMatt said:


> @starlight3300 I suggested therapy/counselling for you. Also, advise your husband to get STD tests. You risked his health.


The husband should make having an STD test a priority.
He would also be wise to have DNA tests done on his kids.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Does your husband know about the four other guys you got under while trying to get over the first one?


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

AVR1962 said:


> Do you know why you became involved in the affair? Was there something missing in the marriage?
> 
> Sometimes when a man enters into an affair with a married woman he does so feeling she is "safe" as they can have the affair without fears that she will want something more. Many times it is the woman that becomes attached emotionally. The hormones released in the brain from sex are terribly powerful.
> 
> ...


IMO, there is always something missing in all marriages. Yet, not everyone cheats.


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## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

My advice is different. Go see a Dr. And explain the way you are feeling. I know exactly how you feel. The thoughts and triggers . The anxiety 😫 It eats at you like a ****ing cancer . There are medications out there that can help you thru these feelings and move forward. I'm not here to judge .

When I had an issue with extreme anxiety, docs gave me Zanex . And Valium , It truly did help.

I don't use it anymore and haven't for yrs.

It allowed me to function, and think things thru .
It's easy to go into depression during times of high anxiety .

I hope you can move past it and either love your husband or set him free.
Good luck Jimi


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

QuietRiot said:


> I can’t remember which reconciliation Bullcrap book I was reading during my faithful attempt at eating the sh** sandwich reconciling. But I remember one chapter that discussed how to show compassion for the cheater as they come to terms with the loss of their affair partner, and the love they shared and are losing, so that we could fully support them in their quest to rebuild the marriage with us. To make the marriage “better than it’s ever been”, we must be compassionate, empathetic. Understanding.
> 
> I wondered at the time what kind of lunatic would come up with that really messed up thinking and then actually convey it to a person who throws up and has panic attacks from the deception, heartbreak and the loss of their entire world? Now I’m convinced it was a psychologist who was also a very passionate cheater. Or maybe a psychologist who is married to one such person. 🤔 Somehow, it reminds me of this situation. I think OP must have a husband that prescribes to this kind of illogic.


It is, act, very common advice. It is as if these authors have no understanding of human nature. People, healthy people, are just not wired to tolerate being treated like this, abused. There is, virtually, no possibility of a better marriage after cheat, IMO. Resentment lingers. Trust is gone. 
The betrayed has clear evidence that he or she is not really valued, let alone loved by the theater. That is no way to go through life.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

RoseyPosey713 said:


> *Edited*
> 
> Try being single...as in, alone...talk to your hubby and be alone.


So you edited out the just be a hoe part. Changed the entire tone of what you posted about just making herself happy no matter who it destroys.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

OnTheFly said:


> 1) OP never loved her husband.
> 
> 2) OM was probably gay if after three years of time he couldn't or wouldn't bed an easy lay.
> 
> ...


So much, Mankind knows not of!

There is much that does not meet the eye, nor our conception.

Um, yes, it is best that we see little.

Suicides from giving up, would sky rocket, if we knew the forces that impinge upon us, at every moment!


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

You know what @starlight3300, you'd be doing all us a service if you explained to us how it is that you fell out of love (because you do not love him as such) with your husband and the process of how you fell in deeply in love with a coworker. How it began, how it progressed and how it culminated. That way anyone going through similar circumstances can understand what is going on. Let us all get something out of this exchange too, not you find out what you must do.


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## BoSlander (6 mo ago)

OnTheFly said:


> 4) OM dumped/ghosted her upon finding out about the other four penis'.


Very true.

My XW's OM#3 dumped OM#2 probably when he found out there was another man in the picture. 

Little did he know there were two others, her husband and her ex boyfriend.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

Me thinks she is one of those people that "are in love with being in love". Chasing the limerence, dopamine high. A 30 something that feels, thinks, acts and reacts like a 16 year old. 

Unfortunately for her, she can never capture and maintain a fantasy or feeling.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

BootsAndJeans said:


> Me thinks she is one of those people that "are in love with being in love". Chasing the limerence, dopamine high. A 30 something that feels, thinks, acts and reacts like a 16 year old.
> 
> Unfortunately for her, she can never capture and maintain a fantasy or feeling.


She does strike me as being like a 12 year old. Probably reads Harlequin Romance Novels. A case of arrested development.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Three year EA? That’s hard to believe. Or did it finally turn into a PA when you loss your job and separated from your husband to “find yourself”?
Once you became completely available to your dream guy, it fell apart. Instead of coming back to your husband, you decided degrade yourself further by having sexual relationships with 4 different men? Only after hitting rock bottom, did you come back to your husband and father of your child? 

I have to say your story is rough to read due to your complete callous attitude towards your BH. But @oldshirt is right, you’re acting like the majority of WWs involved in affairs. Reading it from your words, the complete cold hearted nature of it all is there to see. I’m sure there’s way more cruelty in your affair but you’ve limited how much you’ll divulge. The mountain of lies to your husband over these years and probably relegating your husband to a sexless marriage all while being very cold and distant are all par for the course. 

If you were involved with mr wonderful for 3 years, it’s going to take long time to get him out of your system. Unfortunately for your husband, your feelings for him are very likely not going to come back. A three year love affair followed by a few months of play “Looking for Mr Goodbar”, have caused you to completely detach from your husband. It’s too bad that your kid will have to either be raised in a home where he sees his mom be indifferent to his dad or in a broken home.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> It’s too bad that your kid will have to either be raised in a home where he sees his mom be indifferent to his dad or in a broken home.


And seeing more men coming and going than an aircraft carrier in port....


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## ThreeHundo (Sep 20, 2021)

What an absolutely terrible person you are. Really, just awful. You said he doesn't want to be alone, but being with you is worse. At least he would have a chance to find someone that loves and deserves him. You are a grown woman chasing some teenage feelings for goodness sakes.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

How to get over him? It depends on how/why he ended it and didn’t want a future with you. 

That alone should help you. If he made it clear, then you understand, right? It’s one-sided. 

Why would you want someone who doesn’t want you?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Another way is to count the losses. So you lost a job, lost your marriage, lost your place of residence, lost your mental health, lost the love for your husband and lost the man you were madly in love with. (Kids?) 

You’re now living with your husband and finally stable in a job. 

What did you mean by makes more sense financially to stay with him? ( Could you not cope financially when you separated, couldn’t keep a job?) 

What does your therapist say? 

You may be here to be validated so maybe someone has pm’d you and you feel better. Have you found any friends who have chastised you, or have you found someone who chat with who is enabling all of this?

A professional therapist would summarise from your story that you had a trail of losses, seem to be stable in a job only when living with your husband, but you may have some obsessive tendencies and most definitely some destructive ones. Most definitely destructive. And you know, that’s ok. I’m not sure how your husband feels but it gets pretty boring looking out for addicts and keeping a roof over their head. So I hope there’s no manipulation from your end (the ‘makes more sense financially’ comment concerns me)

So what answers are you here for, given a professional must have pointed out the situation for what it was? Have any of the comments here been helpful? Is the therapy helpful?


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## Brigit24 (2 mo ago)

starlight3300 said:


> I made the decision for us to separate so I could regroup and figure out my head. Things did briefly heat up with this man as we started talking outside of work. I really thought we would be together and I would leave my husband for him. However, in the coming months we spoke less and less until he eventually stopped talking to me altogether.
> 
> I will not get into great detail about how much I ended up hurt by him. My mental health took a downward spiral. In the time I was separated from hubby I slept with several men, as many as four in a short span of time. I suppose I was trying to fill a void had left by this man. I was always chasing the way he made me feel but never found it again.
> 
> ...


First you'll need to leave your husband. Divorce is sad but you obviously want someone else. Once you're single then you'll need to work on your issues.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

starlight3300 said:


> I am female in my mid 30’s and have been married for almost ten years. I will spare everyone the full story or of what I did or why I did it…So, I had an emotional affair with a guy I worked with that lasted nearly three years. I fell very madly in love with him. I know what I did was horrible, I feel bad for what I did but I make no excuses.
> 
> Anyway, early this year in January, things came to a head when I was laid off from my job and it essentially ended the affair I had with him. In the subsequent weeks of not seeing him daily, I fell into a deep depression and my husband had figured out I was in love with this man. I suppose I didn’t fully realize the extent of my feelings until that moment. My husband is a board certified behavioral analyst and not much get passed him. My husband knew this man existed and I kind of assumed he had his suspicions. Of course it devastated him all the same and he lost trust in me. I don’t blame him at all for that.
> 
> ...


Have you at least had the decency to tell your hubby you can't get over the AP and that you had screwed around with several other men during the time you were supposed to be working on yourself?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

QuietRiot said:


> I can’t remember which reconciliation Bullcrap book I was reading during my faithful attempt at eating the sh** sandwich reconciling. But I remember one chapter that discussed how to show compassion for the cheater as they come to terms with the loss of their affair partner, and the love they shared and are losing, so that we could fully support them in their quest to rebuild the marriage with us. To make the marriage “better than it’s ever been”, we must be compassionate, empathetic. Understanding.
> 
> I wondered at the time what kind of lunatic would come up with that really messed up thinking and then actually convey it to a person who throws up and has panic attacks from the deception, heartbreak and the loss of their entire world? Now I’m convinced it was a psychologist who was also a very passionate cheater. Or maybe a psychologist who is married to one such person. 🤔 Somehow, it reminds me of this situation. I think OP must have a husband that prescribes to this kind of illogic.


Sounds like that marriage builders puke site. Says stay with the cheater and treat them lovey dovey and try to win them back. 🤢🤮


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Sounds like that marriage builders puke site. Says stay with the cheater and treat them lovey dovey and try to win them back. 🤢🤮


If you read any of the crap from that idiot, Harley, it becomes obvious he is a clueless, sexist doormat. Basically, he subscribes to the notion that the BS must not have been meeting needs. So, the BS is supposed to duplicate him or herself and show the cheater what a great place the marriage is. He completely ignores the fact that a high, very high, percentage of cheater s are disordered and , most of the time, almost solely responsible for the bulk of the problems in the marriage to begin with.
He is so sexist he advises men to absorb way more abuse than women. The guy is a dinosaur with the brain capacity similar to a dinosaur.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Supplicate


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have you at least had the decency to tell your hubby you can't get over the AP and that you had screwed around with several other men during the time you were supposed to be working on yourself?


That’s a good question. I’d bet she told a watered down version of her time “finding” herself. Doubt that she let him know she had 4 different dudes run through her or that she had plans to leave him for mr wonderful. Unfortunately for her, he didn’t really care about her the way she cared for him. She was 100% down to break up her family to be with a guy who basically ran from her. Meanwhile her poor betrayed husband was probably busy trying to fill the void that she left for their kid. Truly sad but very common.


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## BootsAndJeans (4 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> That’s a good question. I’d bet she told a watered down version of her time “finding” herself. Doubt that she let him know she had 4 different dudes run through her or that she had plans to leave him for mr wonderful. Unfortunately for her, he didn’t really care about her the way she cared for him. She was 100% down to break up her family to be with a guy who basically ran from her. Meanwhile her poor betrayed husband was probably busy trying to fill the void that she left for their kid. Truly sad but very common.


Honestly, how the heck do women (and some men) fall for this fantasy crap. Women should be smart enough to know that ANY guy that is chasing a married woman/mother, is out for poonanie. That everything he tells her is to get into her panties.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Like @oldshirt said earlier in this thread, most WWs are actually just like this one. Even her whor… spree is not that unheard of. She wanted to get over the hurt from her OM. Her husband and their kids family stability played no part in her thinking.

Once a married mother is giving herself to another man, she’s almost always willing to leave their husband. The only reason it rarely happens is that most men are not stupid enough to wife up an adulteress with kids. In the back of their head, they understand that if she could cheat with me, she’ll cheat on me.

There are some wayward husbands who lose their mind too. When you read their threads, their Words almost sound like something a woman would say. Their writing is void of a masculine vibe.


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## OddOne (Sep 27, 2018)

Can't really feel too badly for her BH. If he really is, as basically said by OP, highly observant, he probably assumed what she would do and, ultimately, did do during their separation. He probably doesn't actually believe her 3 year affair was only an emotional. And he doesn't need proof that he's right, though I'm sure he likes the validation of having it. It would be enough for him to know his WW has little chance of being an exception to the rule of whatever his studies on human behavior have told him about people similar to his WW. Something the average person who doesn't smoke HOPEium all day already understands on a basic level. He's probably where he wants to be, fear of being alone notwithstanding, because he wants to prove he can fix her. I.e., guided to some extent by his ego. And she needs him, for now, for stability.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

OddOne said:


> Can't really feel too badly for her BH. If he really is, as basically said by OP, highly observant, he probably assumed what she would do and, ultimately, did do during their separation. He probably doesn't actually believe her 3 year affair was only an emotional. And he doesn't need proof that he's right, though I'm sure he likes the validation of having it. It would be enough for him to know his WW has little chance of being an exception to the rule of whatever his studies on human behavior have told him about people similar to his WW. Something the average person who doesn't smoke HOPEium all day already understands on a basic level. He's probably where he wants to be, fear of being alone notwithstanding, because he wants to prove he can fix her. I.e., guided to some extent by his ego. And she needs him, for now, for stability.


I still feel bad for him. Being betrayed like that screws with your mind and makes you doubt everything, including reality and what’s best for yourself. I know what **** sandwich tastes like. He’s just still eating it. Unfortunately.


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## QuietRiot (Sep 10, 2020)

jsmart said:


> Like @oldshirt said earlier in this thread, most WWs are actually just like this one. Even her whor… spree is not that unheard of. She wanted to get over the hurt from her OM. Her husband and their kids family stability played no part in her thinking.
> 
> Once a married mother is giving herself to another man, she’s almost always willing to leave their husband. The only reason it rarely happens is that most men are not stupid enough to wife up an adulteress with kids. In the back of their head, they understand that if she could cheat with me, she’ll cheat on me.
> 
> There are some wayward husbands who lose their mind too. When you read their threads, their Words almost sound like something a woman would say. Their writing is void of a masculine vibe.


It does seem to be that females look for the exit affair, to monkey branch. Males seem to want their cake and eat it too. I don’t think it makes either one a better or worse cheater though. And there are both sexes that do what isn’t typical of their sex. I think all of them are out of their mind.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP hasn't been back since her first post 4 days ago. This thread is now closed.

If she returns and wishes to have it reopened she can PM a mod.


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