# Wife wants a dissolution but won't initiate it herself



## david_h15

Over the past year and a half that our marriage has been on shaky ground, I've told my wife a couple of times that if she indeed wanted a divorce or dissolution since she said she was unhappy and didn't have any feelings towards me anymore that she would have to be the one to initiate it as I wasn't going to do that. She knows that I would rather try to work on our marriage but at the same time I'm fully aware that it takes both people working on it to get things better again. About 3 months ago my wife told me that she was positive that she didn't want to try to work anything out with our marriage and wanted to start working on the dissolution paperwork pretty soon so I was prepared to see the paperwork anytime (but never did). After about a month, we talked and she told me she felt "trapped" and asked how long I would hold on to our marriage instead of moving on. She accused me of not listening to her. I told her again that she would have to be the one to get things started if that is what she wanted as I was not going to be the one to initiate ending our marriage. Then just a few days again, she told me again that she felt "trapped" and felt that I'm not listening when she says she wants out of the marriage. So I guess I'm somewhat confused...If my wife is sure she wants a dissolution, why does she want me to start the process? I would think if someone wanted out, that person would get the ball rolling instead of continuing to say she feels trapped and asking how long I plan to hold on. What would other people do in this situation? I've wanted to try to work on our marriage since my wife told me she was first unhappy so I don't see why my wife thinks I should be the one to start the dissolution process.


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## GoDucks

Dunno. Sounds like she feels like she has no control. If she calls an attorney, they are going to want a retainer payment - does she have access to that? Does she have control of her time, so that she could have an appointment like this without kids? Does she have access or transportation to a mediator or attorney?

hard to say, but she's definitely not feeling in control, even though you are telling her to take it...


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## david_h15

Yes, she has access to all of that. She has her own car, bank account, and since we don't have any kids, time to do that if she wanted to. So all of this just leaves me a bit confused...


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## DennisNLA

On the positive note, I would guess it means she has not found another man so there is time to improve this marriage. Can you step up and start meeting needs of hers that you are not meeting? At this point you can show her the man she initially fell in love with. Lead by example and give it one last shot.


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## 2Daughters

Yes..give it one last shot..I have been separated for 3 months today..my wife calle me today and told me she has pulled the paperwork for a divorce..I was stunned..since she told me she wanted separation 3 months ago for reasons such as the 'I LOVE YOU BUT..' and 'your the best father to our girls' and 'I need space' and 'you need to work on yourself'..3 months ago I had no idea what those words meant..I do now..I said I need time she said you've had 3 months..she said she had been planning this for the last 3 years which explains how she was able to rent a house, change bank accounts and other things..I said "I still love you"..she replied.."if you loved me you would have tried to stop me and done what ever you could during our separation to make it right"..I said if you heard what you told me what would you have done?.she said "If it was me I would have fought to the end, but that's just me"..bottom line is I know she found someone else so it's easy to say what she would have did..at least you can still try to save your marriage..good luck


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## Immortalrh

david_h15 said:


> So I guess I'm somewhat confused...If my wife is sure she wants a dissolution, why does she want me to start the process?


David, I know what you mean. I went through a similar situation. 
My wife wanted to get a divorce, but would not lift a finger to do anything about it. She had a car and opportunity and means to seek a lawyer, but didn’t.
Maybe your wife is scared and just can’t manage to do it on her own. Maybe this whole thing is some scheme to get you to pay more attention or to manipulate you. Maybe she has a hard time initating life changing events.
You should ask yourself two questions: 
Why do I think she is REALLY doing this (Why the divorce and why can’t she get off her butt and do it herself?)? Do I really want to stay married to this woman, with all of the consequences that may bring? I know you said you want to work on your marriage. But are you willing to go through years of this limbo where she is unwilling to do anything and you are trapped and bearing a heavy toll on your body, heart and soul? 
Are you willing to pass up a chance of meeting someone better able to care for themselves, and you, by clinging to what looks to me like a terrible situation.
I am not pro-divorce in anyway, but you have to realize that even making your marriage work now, may not be the best for you, your wife or your future.
P.S. I will post my story after, in case it gives you or anyone else some insight.


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## Immortalrh

This is the story of when my wife wanted a divorce, but would not do anything to get it done:
I am in the Army. I came back from a six-month deployment to find my wife wanted a divorce. She said she did not feel anything for me and she wanted me to file the divorce paperwork.
To say I was floored was to say that the ocean is wet. Over the next few months I went through some counseling got some legal advice and slept on my couch. My home didn’t really feel like my own anymore, but living in the barracks (which I did for a bit) did not appeal. I did not know what to do. Every few weeks more and more of what was really happening came out. She was having an affair, she blamed me for fights we had had and over time I came to realize the full extent of the situation. 
And every week or so, she would ask me why I hadn’t filed for divorce yet.
I talked to many people I trusted and went through a lot of personal growth. Eventually, I came to the point where I wanted the divorce as well. I no longer felt that I loved her. My biggest worry was what would happen to our then two-year-old son. 
My parents got divorced when I was 12 and it affected me so badly that fell into a depression for almost two years. I really did not want that for my son. She knew this about me, we had discussed it when we were dating and we talked about it then as well. 
After finally making the decision to get a divorce I talked to a lawyer and started filling out the necessary paperwork. I told her that I wanted to contest custody (because of issues that I won’t go into here) and what I had done so far. That night she asked me to stay. 
I don’t know and no longer care why she did. I know what she said but I do not know that I trust it.
I will say that for the sake of my son I stayed. We made the marriage work. 
I told her then that had I known what was to come when I purposed, I would have split up with her instead. I will honestly say right now that if I had it all to do again, I would marry her again, despite the pain we have caused each other. But that is a recent feeling.
Do what is right for you.


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## the guy

maybe she has less guilt by telling you these things when she goes out with her boyfriend?

So maybe there is someone else effecting the dynamic of the marriage. Are there any red flags that would indicate her having an affair?

It sound like maybe she is cake eating....It might be time to investigate quitely and see if you can at least dismiss this possiblity.


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## July7

This sounds like me with my husband. Does she tell you specifically what she wants to change? Are you both pretty stubborn about specific problems and unwilling to budge? Sorry to say, it maybe a little of a control mechanism or tactic, even though she may eventually file, she wants to see action from you. She may even want you to file to take the guilt and worry from herself so she doesnt feel like she made a mistake later down the road. I am new here, so I hope I am not saying anyhting out of line or in the wrong forum, but she sounds exactly like what I am doing to my husband and the reason I do it is because I want in some aspects for him to file, not me because I want the blame to be shifted off me and more upon him. Also I want him to see that because he was too unwilling to budge in matters that were important to me, I am ready to divorce him. Let me ask you this, are you sad she is wanting a divorce? Or are you numb to her threats?


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## EleGirl

Look at the Plan A in my signature block below. It's says it's when an affair occur's but really the techniques can be used in a situation like yours.

So read Plan A and the 180 below. Be upbeat and positive, starting working on yourself. Start being a better husband. But don't pressure her or put on a big show. This is about making real changes to yourself.

Do not file for divorce if you do not want it.

She's not trapped, she's not any of the things she says she is. She can leave at anytime she wants. So let her take ownership of that action.

YOu take ownership of improving yourself and your marriage.


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## Emerald

I used to beg my exH to file for divorce because I didn't have the guts to do it myself. I wanted a divorce. Also, if he filed, then he gets to be the "bad guy" to family & friends.

Not cool.

He did not want the divorce, so did not file for one & you don't have to.

His standard line was "I am not as unhappy as you are."

I finally filed.

So whatever her reasons (affair, unhappy, trapped) I think she wants you to be the "bad guy" here.


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