# Confessed or Caught?



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

How did you find out?

What does this say about the cheater?

Does this make a difference on R or D?


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

Caught then confessed. Says he was glad I caught him, it was getting too much for him to handle.
Not sure if it made much difference to my decison to R.


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## life.is.pain (Aug 28, 2012)

Caught for i had a gut feeling.

At first i wanted to R but now after 6 months i rather D and i am trying to find a way to D her a$$. Not worth the effort i have came to realize.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Caught!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

caught after it was over for more than 6 months.

Makes no difference.


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## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Caught. Lied. Trickle Truth. Lied More. Confessed.

Still don't know if I have the entire truth. I have no reason to suspect that I don't though I believe there is more to the story than I will ever know.

I can't say the decision to R had anything to do with him being caught or eventually confessing. My decision to give R a shot is more about me than him.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Caught. Read the OM's texts to her. The guy was so corny it was actually pathetic. Anyway, confession would've made a difference but can't say with certainty.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Caught my stbxwh quite by accident; I was distressed and upset and the info fell into my lap. I followed up to verify. He has yet to confess or admit wrongdoing, without which R isn't possible. It's not the cheating but the lies that destroy relationships, I think.


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> How did you find out?
> 
> What does this say about the cheater?
> 
> Does this make a difference on R or D?


Caught. Both times (EAandONS).

It says that he was a selfish butt and other nasty things I could say about his at the time. He did kind of confessed about the ONS but on the EA he was busted because OW sent pictures in the middle of the night that woke me up.(I use to call his ONS a PA but it was once and a bj so I am calling it what it was)

For me it did not make a difference either way I had to make the choice to stay or go. Confession or caught it is still a tough choice to make. I chose to R but it has been a work in progress ever since.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

1) Caught.

2) I'm not sure it says much. Every cheater is doing so in secrecy at some point unless they come right home after fvcking someone else for the first time and confess. Even for the confessors, I suppose it's just a matter of timing that'd they'd be caught anyway.

3) 


moxy said:


> It's not the cheating but the lies that destroy relationships, I think.


This is my stance but also the lack of remorse and playing the victim/ the blame game makes it very hard to forgive.

With that said, I suppose if my ex came to me and confessed, truly remorseful and begging forgiveness I probably would have reconciled the same day. In a way, I'm glad it didn't happen that way though. 

It's a sh!tty experience for sure but I think it's one that's making me stronger and bit wiser. I definitely am going to be a heck of a lot more assertive when it comes to my rights and boundaries within a relationship again. I'm just sorry this had to happen first in order for me to regain a backbone.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Caught two after the fact.

Suspect that there were more but she denied them. By then it was a moot point because she had already checked out of the marraige.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I caught my H's EA's ( gut feeling)..

He will "say" it was an affair,, but he doesn't admit to any emotional connection with either woman.. so I know he is just throwing the A word out there for me... but he doesn't feel talking to them was wrong,,, just that he hid them from me. ( says he hid them so I would not find out that he had cheated on his previous wife--- with one of the women he was talking to on me) , which to this day he had/has never admitted to her that he cheated. 

So to me, this shows that he will use any means necessary to not confess or be judged negatively..

Through this whole process,, I still question if cheating is a deal breaker.... but the lying, emotional abuse and lack of respect for me is. 

A man that cannot treat me as an equal, but as just an object to them, and also feel entitled to cheat... is not worth another chance.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

________________________________________
How did you find out?
Caught!

What does this say about the cheater?
A lot..since the number of text messages on the account was really high, and I was dumb enough to ask about it before I actually looked at the numbers that were called…
And his answer was “I was planning a surprise birthday party for you, how dare you look and ruin my surprise!” 
Can't even put into words what that did to me once I verified the one number that the texts/pics went to. 

Does this make a difference on R or D? 
Not quite sure yet!


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Caught. Lied. Trickle Truth. Lied More. Confessed. Still don't know if I have the entire truth. (Sorry Falene, you put it so perfectly I stole your words).

She's a person of good character, but not perfect. I have a better understanding of her weaknesses, including the circumstances where I cannot just trust her word. I can live with the fact she's not perfect, provided what we have works, and it mostly does.

I stayed for the children. We are reconciled now, but the scars are still there. If there hand't have been children, I suspect we would have divorced.

But I'm glad we are together.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Caught my wife with the help of my grown daughter.

She was caught in a short term EAPA with an old BF. I suspected cheating for years with other affairs, years prior... accused her from time to time but never had proof. Once I had proof of cheating the lies of previous affairs no longer worked on me. She confessed to being a serial cheater going back 6+ years from dd. 

After living through years of betrayal, I'm convinced that 0% of cheaters ever confessed without some form of exposure to the truth.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

RWB said:


> After living through years of betrayal, I'm convinced that 0% of cheaters ever confessed without some form of exposure to the truth.


I agree,, I only had copies of phone calls/texts... no proof otherwise,, so it was easy for him to say "just friends". I will never know the full truth.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> How did you find out?
> 
> What does this say about the cheater?
> 
> Does this make a difference on R or D?


I was told in advance of the affair, by my wife.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> I was told in advance of the affair, by my wife.


Doesn't matter how many times I read that, it still spins me out!


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Caught!
It says he was too chicken **** to tell me himself!
When asked afterwards why he didn't tell me he said he was just so afraid of losing me! Go figure!
The lies hurt and that's what I struggle with the most now we are reconciling. It's taking me a long time to get that trust again, but H is doing everything he possibly can to make this right and we'll get there!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Had a strong gut feeling that something was wrong....
Confronted without any evidence. Did not know TAM at that time.

She confesssed only to an EA. I think there is more...


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well... He confessed.

Yep.

I knew she was after him, I knew how much attention she was throwing his way, I knew he was flattered, I knew they were chatting at work... But trusting him 100% I thought I had nothing to worry about. He told me two days after he left that job that they'd kissed. I actually thought it was some weird joke at first because I didn't believe he'd do something like that. Not sure what that makes me...?

He actually stopped it before it went any further. Came home acting completely normal that day then the next day we spent a family day together and in his words, I was so "sweet and lovely" and he felt so guilty. I thought there was something on his mind that evening and asked him, he said no, then the baby needed feeling so I went upstairs then fell asleep early. That next morning he woke me up and told me. He couldn't keep it a secret because of how bad he felt.

That wasn't the end of it at all... However I feel sure that had I caught him, things would have taken a different direction, it could have been further down the line, or just the sheer secrecy would I think have destroyed any chance of rebuilding.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

He caught my first one. I confessed the second one. I caught his EA. And It made/makes no difference, IMO, in the choice to R. The first one, I was going through the motions. This time, I am all in...as is he.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Caught!
> 
> When asked afterwards why he didn't tell me he said he was just so afraid of losing me! Go figure!
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly the same madness!

When I finally caught my wife... I asked her if things were so bad to cheat then why not just divorce me?... "Because I loved you so much."

If you felt so guilty and ashamed after your first affair, why not confess and try to recover?... "Because I was afraid you would leave me."

So why risk another and another?..."He showed me attention."

madness!


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## Daisy82 (Sep 4, 2012)

Caught. Lied. Trickle Truth. Lied More. Confessed.

Now, 5 yrs after the affair, I'm filing for divorce. I wanted to file right after I found out (5 yrs ago) but being I was scared to be alone, to be a single mother and to give up on our marriage. I'm finally doing what I should have done so long ago!


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> How did you find out?
> 
> What does this say about the cheater?
> 
> Does this make a difference on R or D?


He was caught, still lied. Then, when confronted with irrefutable facts, he finally confessed. Although I could tell by his body language that he was lying the minute he was caught. 

The texts, voicemails and emails seemed as if they were written by two high school kids. 

It may have made some difference if he had confessed, but not sure, really. 

IMO, confessing at least shows less of a sense of entitlement and some measure of guilt and remorse.

IMO, remore after being caught is always suspect. Perhaps they only feel remorseful about being caught.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

RWB said:


> After living through years of betrayal, I'm convinced that 0% of cheaters ever confessed without some form of exposure to the truth.


I agree. Also, I doubt that any cheater that has been caught rather than confessed is new to the cheating game. 

The ones who are caught are likely serial cheaters like your wife, but this one time the jig was up.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I agree.* Also, I doubt that any cheater that has been caught rather than confessed is new to the cheating game. *
> 
> *The ones who are caught are likely serial cheaters* like your wife, but this one time the jig was up.



I totally agree with this....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

due to some gut feelings, I snooped and learned that he was still in touch with her without letting me know.

He TT me. But now he's doing everything he can to put it right.


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## Doc Who (Sep 9, 2012)

She was caught, by our oldest (son).

The lies, blameshifting, and gaslighting were intense. It wasn't until I got to OM3's BW that I got the information I needed to stop that.

I filed. Got my own place. Got DS (DD split time with us).

She came bawling for forgiveness. She meant it. She has accepted blame, made retribution, and has become a much better person. I don't trust her one bit, but have taken necessary steps to protect myself from her poor choices and potential selfishness.

Bottom line, she is winning me back. I am glad I decided to try to R.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

EAs all. 1st time by accident. 2nd time by snooping in light of the first time. Gut feeling on #4 so I snooped, which brought #3 to light (which wasn't a full blown ea, just a dumb daydream-y thing which she apparently tried to take to the next level but was shut down on) and verified my suspicions.

What does it say about her? That she was awful selfish and immature (and hopefully was does, in fact, apply).

What it says about me, I don't know. Probably nothing great.


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

*Status:* Caught.

*Back story:* Husband was having an EA with a long lost love from high school, that he he reconnected with on facebook.

*His reaction when confronted*: You can believe whatever your crazy mind tells you. Whatever you want to believe.

*Her reaction:* It's perfectly okay for a married man and a single woman to be connected on an emotional level. You two need to rectify the trust issues in your relationship.

*Knee jerk reaction:* To divorce.

*What immediately happened:* He moved out for a month, per my orders.

*Current status*: Reconciled. Marriage seems to be on more of a solid ground, but I no longer have blind trust in him. He was one of the those guys you'd say "_I can't believe he cheated. You would have never guessed_."


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## Bellavista (May 29, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Caught!
> It says he was too chicken **** to tell me himself!
> When asked afterwards *why he didn't tell me he said he was just so afraid of losing me!* Go figure!
> The lies hurt and that's what I struggle with the most now we are reconciling. It's taking me a long time to get that trust again, but H is doing everything he possibly can to make this right and we'll get there!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I heard as well, seems I will have to add this line to the cheater's script as well.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> I totally agree with this....


I don't.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> I agree. Also, I doubt that any cheater that has been caught rather than confessed is new to the cheating game.
> 
> The ones who are caught are likely serial cheaters like your wife, but this one time the jig was up.


Ummm I disagree. I was CAUGHT with the first EA. The very first time I EVER got involved with anyone else after my husband and I got together. The very first time I ever cheated on ANYONE. And I was caught. And when I told him it would never happen again, I meant it. But it did. And I do NOT excuse myself. It was wrong, and I admit it. My confession came after the SECOND EA.

My husband was CAUGHT with his EA. He never cheated before that. Now, I can see how you could view me as a serial cheater. Perhaps I am. But the important thing is that I am now DETERMINED that it will not happen again. And my husband? By your logic, he would be a serial cheater. Sorry, not buying it.


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## faithfulspouse (Jul 28, 2012)

Mine confessed after sending me a text meant for OW. But the content could have been explained as just friends but I had already raised suspicions so I'm going with caught as I'm sure had he not sent me the text I'd still be in the dark.

To me it made no different to R or D, I set a line when I was suspicious and if I find that line was crossed then it's D, at this point I have to verify what i'm being told so I'm looking at R as I have nothing to say the line I set for D was crossed. D or R also has to do with what comes after exposure in terms of remorse, transparency, honesty, openness, emotional support offered etc.

x


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm I disagree. I was CAUGHT with the first EA. The very first time I EVER got involved with anyone else after my husband and I got together. The very first time I ever cheated on ANYONE. And I was caught. And when I told him it would never happen again, I meant it. But it did. And I do NOT excuse myself. It was wrong, and I admit it. My confession came after the SECOND EA.
> 
> My husband was CAUGHT with his EA. He never cheated before that. Now, I can see how you could view me as a serial cheater. Perhaps I am. But the important thing is that I am now DETERMINED that it will not happen again. And my husband? By your logic, he would be a serial cheater. Sorry, not buying it.



Sara said "likely",,, not that they or you ARE for sure serial cheaters... 

And I hope it never does happen again for either of you,, but you can only control you, and him, himself... there are no guarantees for anyone other than ourselves.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Sara said "likely",,, not that they or you ARE for sure serial cheaters...
> 
> And I hope it never does happen again for either of you,, but you can only control you, and him, himself... there are no guarantees for anyone other than ourselves.


Understood. I still have issue with her doubts regarding someone who was caught rather than confessing. Someone who is caught is just as likely to be "new to the cheating game" as one who confessed. I speak from experience, obviously, that being caught instead of confessing can just as easily be a "new cheater".


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Understood. I still have issue with her doubts regarding someone who was caught rather than confessing. Someone who is caught is just as likely to be "new to the cheating game" as one who confessed. I speak from experience, obviously, that being caught instead of confessing can just as easily be a "new cheater".


Very true, I'm not disagreeing.. I suppose everyone's _opinions_ vary to their circumstance. A lot of times a first time cheater gets caught because they haven't learned how to be deceiving as well as the experienced cheater... or they "want" to get caught, but can't bring it upon themselves to confess, so they leave clues...

There are so many variables... the worst to me are the ones who get caught and continue to deny,,, and never do confess or admit. They never "own it". 

I am glad your marriage survived.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

My husband was caught. We are trying to reconcile now, but I feel like he didn't "choose me", he didn't make the choice to give her up on his own...


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## Zanna (May 10, 2012)

*How did you find out?*

H confessed after I asked him about a number on the call display that I noticed, but then noticed that the next day the number been deleted. (OW had been threatening to expose the A after she was dumped and was tormenting him with hang-up calls. Her threats had worked for months but this time he was refusing to see her ever again.)

Anyway, I asked him who this woman was and why he erased her number and he said, "I can't do this anymore". And it all came out. I don't even think he thought to TT me at that point. He didn't claim "just friends" or just a kiss. He spilled so much I had to tell him to shut up and stop talking because I couldn't take it...

*What does this say about the cheater?*

That he's an idiot? :scratchhead:

Seriously, not sure it says much. He confessed because the ***** had been threatening him for months but I think he should have told me sooner. He claims he wanted to tell me sooner, and had even gone to counselling to determine how to tell me (found receipts for that...) but that he was a coward. So I'm not sure it was a true confession. More like he was forced to tell me or she would have eventually, considering she's a psycho stalker (she didn't stop with the phone calls even after I knew...)

*
Does this make a difference on R or D?*

I think in some small way the way it went down made a difference but it wasn't about the confession vs getting caught.

The thing that made the difference is that he had dumped OW prior to D-day so I knew he didn't want to continue the A. If he had ended the A only because he was caught, I'm not sure I would have been able to R...Then again, the fact that the loser OW couldn't steal him from his horrible wife (I wasn't perfect but I also wasn't married to Prince Charming) and his sexless marriage (this part was actually true) was more of a blow to her self-esteem than mine, I'm sure.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm I disagree. I was CAUGHT with the first EA. The very first time I EVER got involved with anyone else after my husband and I got together. The very first time I ever cheated on ANYONE. And I was caught. And when I told him it would never happen again, I meant it. But it did. And I do NOT excuse myself. It was wrong, and I admit it. My confession came after the SECOND EA.


Maricha75,

I admire your honesty... but Sara and I were talking about was that serial cheating is more prevalent than most people believe. 

Your quote... "And when I told him it would never happen again, I meant it. But it did." 

Not judging in any way, You were caught and still cheated again. Do you think that if your 1st affair would of gone undiscovered the likely hood of another would of been any different?

My wife admitted that the her 2nd, 3rd affair was almost a certain for her since she "got away" with the first and really enjoyed the thrill, the attention, the way it made her feel young and desired again.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I caught my ex-wife, cheating. I was intent on trying to R, but she failed my conditions for doing so, so I ended up Divorcing.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm I disagree. I was CAUGHT with the first EA. The very first time I EVER got involved with anyone else after my husband and I got together. The very first time I ever cheated on ANYONE. And I was caught. And when I told him it would never happen again, I meant it. But it did. And I do NOT excuse myself. It was wrong, and I admit it. My confession came after the SECOND EA.
> 
> My husband was CAUGHT with his EA. He never cheated before that. Now, I can see how you could view me as a serial cheater. Perhaps I am. But the important thing is that I am now DETERMINED that it will not happen again. And my husband? By your logic, he would be a serial cheater. Sorry, not buying it.


I agree that terms like"serial cheater", are misnomers, in most cases, but ( with all due respect) I think it is valid in your situation, Maricha, because you haven't been able to prove you can be faithful , yet, have you?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> And I do NOT excuse myself. It was wrong, and I admit it. My confession came after the SECOND EA.
> 
> My husband was CAUGHT with his EA. He never cheated before that. Now, I can see how you could view me as a serial cheater. Perhaps I am. But the important thing is that I am now DETERMINED that it will not happen again. And my husband? By your logic, he would be a serial cheater. Sorry, not buying it.



Okay there are always exception, but you did say you confessed after the second EA, that says there was a first. 

And as for your husband's EA being the first, is that based on his word or solid proof?

My point is that cheating once and not getting caught makes it much easier to cheat again. 

The OW in my case was a serial cheater. The affair with my husband was the first time she was caught. However she continued to lie, until I presented proof to the husband of th

Both my STBEH and the OW claimed they liked the thrill of the affair and the attention. That was the addicting part. 

Dating someone new is always thrilling. 

In the end I really resented the fact that my cheating spouse was comparing me to the fantasy date. 

At home I was getting the companionate love, in which I accepted his burping, farting, hacking, and dressing slovenly at home and relaxed. 

While the OW was getting the guy who was buying new underwear and getting dressed to the nines to meet her and never burping or farting or hacking in front of her.

The same with the OW, she would come to him fresh from the expensive spa, freshly thermaged and hair done.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Numb in Ohio said:


> How did you find out?
> 
> What does this say about the cheater?
> 
> Does this make a difference on R or D?


I caught several cheater boyfriends and they all denied it til they were blue in the face. I dumped them and that was it. I have no idea what I'd do if I caught my H, or if he confessed...I say I would leave, but who really knows?


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

We had 3 "D" days. 

9/2009 I discovered the texts on the cell bill...450 in 3 months. I confronted her, she said they were just friends. I told her "If you ever talk to him again...I will divorce you" She agreed.

12/2010 I discovered they were Fakebook friends (he blocked me) and some instant messages on her smart phone. I bought a GPS tracker and tracked her...hotels and everything. I confronted her again. She admitted to an EA. I told her pack your S**t and get out. She said she didn't want a divorce and wanted to work on our marriage. I was trusting and in denial.

4/2011 I contacted OM's wife and found out it was a EA/PA...and had been going on, non-stop since 6/2009. She sent me thousands of messages she copied from OM's computer...that one hurt.

I stayed for a year trying to make it work but she put in no effort. In fact, she never would even tell me the whole, honest truth. 

3/1012 I filed for divorce. I guess I was plan B and not worth the effort.

So, to answer your question. 

*Caught...Yes. Confessed...No.*


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

Caught... still hasn't confessed which has made reconciliation very difficult. I don't know where to go from here.


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## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

DangerousCurves said:


> Caught... still hasn't confessed which has made reconciliation very difficult. I don't know where to go from here.


I'm sorry DangeruosCurves. I don't think you can without it. 

I gave her a year to confess, as well as do other things I needed until I finally realized that I could not stay married to her while she kept a secret of this magnitude between her and her OM. How could I be close to her emotionally and trust her without openness and honesty?

Without a full confession...there is no remorse. Without remorse...there is no reconciliation...IMO.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

DangerousCurves said:


> Caught... still hasn't confessed which has made reconciliation very difficult. I don't know where to go from here.





Decimated said:


> I'm sorry DangeruosCurves. I don't think you can without it.
> 
> I gave her a year to confess, as well as do other things I needed until I finally realized that I could not stay married to her while she kept a secret of this magnitude between her and her OM. How could I be close to her emotionally and trust her without openness and honesty?
> 
> Without a full confession...there is no remorse. Without remorse...there is no reconciliation...IMO.


Full confession.....

I have admission that there was an affair, and some details, but I believe not all. She does acknowledge she was wrong, that it was her fault, and she is deeply ashamed of herself. 

I don't know whether I am overly suspicious, whether she has blocked some details out of her memory, or whether she is lying. It would be consistent with her character to conceal details from me if she thought they would hurt me too much. She would see it as her responsibility to carry that pain since she caused it. I don't agree with her, but she is who she is.

I don't think you need all the details in a confession, but I don't know how you could rebuild without remorse. It's hard enough with remorse.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> Okay there are always exception, but you did say you confessed after the second EA, that says there was a first.
> 
> And as for your husband's EA being the first, is that based on his word or solid proof?
> 
> My point is that cheating once and not getting caught makes it much easier to cheat again.


Yes, confession after the second means there was a first, of course. And, as I said, he caught the first. I don't excuse my actions in any way. The difference between the first and the second? I'm actually working on repairing the marriage, rather than going back to the same things that got me into the mess in the first place. I have taken steps to remove the toxic, enabling people from my life. I have chosen to remove certain others who could potentially be temptation as well. And, when faced with the possibility of turning things physical, I turned it down...twice. 

So what is preventing me from doing it again? Me. Really, that's what's doing it. I am making the effort to communicate with my husband, unlike before. I am making the effort to spend more time with him..again, unlike before. And, he is finally getting REAL help for his issues, which helps MY mental state. He is not responsible for my EAs. But he is responsible for his half of the breakdown of our marriage. 

As far as his EA being the first/only time... yes, Sara, it was the first and only time. I have always had access to all of his passwords, correspondence, etc. I could take his phone at any time and he would have no problem with it. He never had a lock on it, nothing. When he was working, his time was always accounted for. Same thing when he was going to school. His only friends at that time were all men. He never went on any overnight trips away... nothing. And it wasn't until he was diagnosed with depression (and that diagnosis was later changed and still getting the med combo worked out now) that EITHER of us sought emotional comfort elsewhere. In his case, he didn't think I would care because, by that time, he believed I was so far gone that it wouldn't make a difference. It was caught very early on. It isn't just his word I am going on. It is the facts. This was the first and only time he has ever been unfaithful to me.

So, maybe I would be classified as a serial cheater. Fortunately, there is only one person I have to prove myself to. And I do that everyday. I have identified what it is in ME that I succumbed to, and I have learned that when those feelings start to surface, to talk to him about them, and to focus on other things. And, if you were to ask my husband if I can be trusted, God help him, he would say yes. Seriously, I have to agree that I have not yet proven that I am trustworthy... but I am actually trying this time. IMO, that makes a big difference. At this stage, I wouldn't blindly trust me. Hey, it's the truth. It hasn't even been a year yet. But he believes me, and I am determined to prove myself to him.

Had he not caught the first one, would it have continued? Possibly. But if it had, I don't believe the second one would have occurred. 

Did that answer everyone's questions about whether or not my husband and I can remain faithful to each other from here on out? =/


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

I don't think anybody asked that question? It seems, Maricha that you are doing good things, keep it up and maybe you can lose the "serial" part and become a "former".


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Maricha, reagrding your affairs, did you ever

1. Feel cool about running 2 or more relationships at one time
2. Think less of your partner because you were getting away with it. Like you're getting something for nothing.
3. Think less of your AP's partner because you thought they were clueless as well.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Badblood said:


> I don't think anybody asked that question? It seems, Maricha that you are doing good things, keep it up and maybe you can lose the "serial" part and become a "former".


Sorry, regarding that last question I asked, it felt like that was the question in the back of someone's mind. I know there are some who think you can't reconcile, no matter what. I know there are some who think that all Rs are false, because of their own experiences. My first one, I will admit...it was a false R. While yes, I was sincere in my attempt at first, it obviously was false because I returned to the behavior. Now, though, when we hit bumps in the road, I don't do that. I focus on what's wrong and try to deal with it WITH him. And, if I need to vent, I have TAM, and I have close FEMALE friends who listen and advise.

NextTimeAround, before I responded to Sara's questions, I looked up the definition of a serial cheater. Until this thread, I never considered myself to be one. In the first 10 years of our marriage, I never once thought of cheating on him. I was always disgusted with people who acted in that way. And then he got sick and I couldn't handle it. I felt like I was doing everything alone. I had suffered from depression. My doctor believed it was a delayed onset of post partum. Not sure I agree with that necessarily, but it occurred when our oldest was 2 years old. So, when he got diagnosed with depression, I figured it would be much like mine... but it wasn't. Turns out it was much worse than that. And I began resenting him. And that's when those thoughts surfaced. 

As far as those questions you asked:
1. No, I didn't feel cool about it. 
2. I thought less of him for other reasons, not because I was getting away with the EA. However, like all affairs, those feelings fed into it.
3. The first one knew all about it and was fine with it (they had a polyamorous relationship). The second one knew, and was fine with the flirting at first because it was light banter... when it changed, she was not cool with it at all. As for thinking less of her because she knew nothing of what was going on? No, I did not.


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## tonyarz (Sep 15, 2012)

My first wife confessed because her sister found out and was going to tell me.


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## Michie (Aug 26, 2012)

Would would say that if spouse in unfaithful, how I found out would play a huge role in my reaction and actions from that point on. Confession is also a cry for help, that perhaps they want out of that fog. Caught means hey they may have continued.


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## Hamster2 (Aug 6, 2012)

Caught, lied, trickled some truth, lied some more.

She eventually (partly) confessed.

I'm 99.9% certain there is more and that I don't have the entire truth. I believe there is more to the story than I will ever know, as she is unwilling to provide details on some points of her affair with her f%ck buddy. Probably are/were other men involved, but she insist that she only had the one guy since May last year. I think that her refusal to provide some details is because she is, more than likely, still seeing that piece of sh*t.

No reconciliation is possible, and once she is moved out, in 2 weeks, I will consult a lawyer to find out what my options are, and start the divorce procedures. She will realize that she will get more for her piece of @$$ sessions than she bargained for.




Numb in Ohio said:


> How did you find out?
> 
> What does this say about the cheater?
> 
> Does this make a difference on R or D?


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## Labcoat (Aug 12, 2012)

Complexity said:


> Caught. Read the OM's texts to her. The guy was so corny it was actually pathetic. Anyway, confession would've made a difference but can't say with certainty.


This was my story verbatim, right down to the corniness. Dude actually said, "I would walk across the ocean to help you through this.". To which she replied, "awwwww.". I was astounded! The woman I proposed to would have replied, "You are a gigantic loser I you think I would buy that nonsense.". She was truly gone.


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Caught, trickled a little over a 2 week period then FULL confession and all the details I asked for. Has been open and transparent since. We are 3 months into R.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

DangerousCurves said:


> Caught... still hasn't confessed which has made reconciliation very difficult. I don't know where to go from here.


Dangerous, if he hasn't confessed and isn't willing to be honest, then reconciliation will be false and you'll find yourself in this same place again. If he still wants to treat you like the oppressor, how will he be on your side in any real way? If he isn't being honest with you and making an effort, he isn't worth your time.

By the way, I love your avatar!


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## StagesOfGrief (Aug 19, 2012)

Caught. Lied. Caught again. Trickle Truth. Caught. Lied. Lied. Lied. Then i left and now shes remorseful 

I couldnt care less about confession or caught, its still disgusting, but the part I DID care about was not telling the truth after being caught. To me if you really feel badly about what you did and you get caught you come clean.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He was caught. If I had not caught him (or if I had rugswept) it would probably still be going on.

He has confessed most of it, but we still have to do a bit of work there.

He did also confess totally out of the blue to hiring the hooker (see my story). I had NO clue about that one.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Caught. He lied and lied some more and then semi-confessed. There were hundreds of texts a month that I found on our cell phone bill. I still don't have all the details or the full truth about the affair, but I am moving on as we are getting divorced. I have accepted that I will never know all of it, and I am OK with it now. Too little too late for him; but he is now full of remorse for what he did to his family. 

I asked him to please work on the marriage; if anything for our children, but he was not willing. After a few months, I just knew I could not live in what our marriage had become and left so the children would not grow up with two unhappy parents.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

Caught. And caught and caught and caught. I initially found out because he threw out a bag of receipts that had been in his suitcase. I took them with me, opened it up... found all kinds of receipts for their dinners out, evidence of a shared bank account, and a love letter, among other things.

We reconciled, but while he was transparent, it was also a trickle truth for almost a year, and only because I had to do more digging. His finally confessing that they did have a full-blown PA almost broke us eleven months in. It wasn't so much that they had a PA-- I'd had that gut feeling all year long-- but that he'd lied about it.

I don't know why so many WSs don't get that they need to just be upfront about everything right away!


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I found out about it in a letter she wrote after she ran away. 
I had my suspicions a year earlier. She went down to the basement to text someone, a co-worker. I asked her why she would feel the need to hide it from me, and she said that she didn't want to make me mad. I insisted something was going on but she denied it fervently. We had a bunch of really long conversations and she convinced me that she had been acting strange because she felt threatened by me. I was horrified and felt awful, I apologized and told her that I would work extra-hard on our marriage, that I had female friends and it was wrong of me to criticize her for having male friends. 

The POS wh0re was lying through her teeth the whole time. She wasn't acting strange because I was "threatening." She was acting strange because she was cheating, and she guilted me into thinking I was a horrible person so I would stop being nosey. The worst thing about all this is that she ran away before any of the storm came. She left a time bomb and detonated it while she was running to Arizona, so she didn't have to see the look on my face, or the horrible, horrible nights that came afterward. 

Makes me wonder if I should perhaps expedite God's plan to make her come to terms...


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## DangerousCurves (Jul 18, 2012)

moxy said:


> Dangerous, if he hasn't confessed and isn't willing to be honest, then reconciliation will be false and you'll find yourself in this same place again. If he still wants to treat you like the oppressor, how will he be on your side in any real way? If he isn't being honest with you and making an effort, he isn't worth your time.
> 
> By the way, I love your avatar!


Thank you  ...


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

I hate writing this out....
Caught in extreme redflag behavior ‘03. TT, changes, rugswept, learned how to hide.
Caught again ‘09 when she slipped up... Denial, lies, MC, changes...
Caught again underground... TT, lies, I was done... Then confessions started in a TT way.
TT for the next 18 months... Admission of multiple “inappropriate” relationships, but only full stories on three...
At which point she shut up Jan. 2011 (I think under advisement from her IC and close friends). 

Not quite TT, not quite lying to my face. I highly suspect there are others. There are known lies and omissions still in place I know to be bull. She just stays silent neither denying or confirming the truth. Just stares at me with tears in her eyes. Then she follows the remorseful wayward spouse script that you do to rebuild (just not revealing the past part). Comforts, tells me she’s sorry, tells me how she’s changed, etc.... I get to go insane with the not knowing and guessing. She walks on eggshells knowing I’m never too far from the exit and have detached emotionally.


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## anotherone (Sep 19, 2012)

confessed to EA, never really reconciled, discovered it was a PA after seven years.


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