# How should I react....



## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Ive posted on this forum before. My WW was the nurse that was thinking about travel nursing. Long story short, I caught her cheating with a guy she knew from facebook. It consisted of yahoo messenger texts, phone calls, and video calls. It started fairly quickly to sexting. The messages I saw were highly sexual....vulgar...the language and the context was as if a teenagers were talking to each other. When I found out, it had been going o for 2 months. I confronted her, she explained that she was unhappy, etc. 
I decided to leave, packed up my stuff out of our house and left. We texted each other but she didnt have any remorse. After 3 days of this...I exposed to some friends and family. She was furious....
After 2 weeks of me gone, I snooped and saw that she had signed up for 3 dating sites. She was getting all sorts of attentionfrom these new guys while at the same time still in connection with the guy from facebook. 

After about 2 weeks after i left and knowing about the dating sites, I contacted a lawyer and started to see what my options were.
We exchanged plans on how we were to handle our divorce.

Then about 5 weeks after me leaving, I get an email from her asking me to move back home.....but to live as roommates. The reasoning being she wanted to split the mortgage until she left for her travel nurse job.
I invited her to a marriage counselling session....she shows up....we talk about reconciling.etc.
So ive moved back home...that was August 31. 

Since then she has yet to explain anything....nor have I gotten any real remorse. It is almost as if she wants us to forget about all this andmove on.

Since ive moved back home she has had some obgyn issues. A period that has lasted since ive been back home. I haven't pushed any reconcillation issues because of this. Doctor said she needs a D&C.

So here I am in a surgery waiting room for my WW having a D&C. 

I knew her password to her phone as of this morning. Its been the same for the past few weeks. I saw he one time swipe it in and I memorized the pattern.
But today while in her preop room I think she saw me watching her access her phone. I went to the cafe to get something to eat. She knew I'd have to hold on to her belongings while she is in surgery.

I checked the swipe code and she must have changex while I was in the cafe.

It feels so weird that even though I am her for her, she feels that it is important to change her access code to her phone.

Maybe I know my answer....she doesn't want me reading her emails.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You went back to her for that, why? She's got the power still so you're still the sucker who help pays 1/2 the bills.

A little blunt but it's the truth. You should have never agreed to go back and help her out financially, that will not make her love you more. That will actually make her see you as a weaker man with no backbone.

And you ask why she shows no remorse.....Don't need to explain things to someone who will always back down and let me win.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

You are right...she does not want you seeing her emails. All that you have posted points to the fact that she did ask you to be a roommate and nothing more. She is using you to pay for the mortgage and that is it.

True Reconciliation involves honesty, transparency and remorse on her part. I DO NOT see where you have received any of that. I think that you need to move on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why are you torturing your self? How can you just be room mates when you have these strong feeling and yet she wouldn't return these same feeling?

I mean its one thing to be there for someone and completely different to be used by someone! 

So, were are all these other guys, why are they not there for her?

It suchs, now that she is having health issues she goes to you but when she want sex and attention she goes to some strang e on a web site.....It kinda pisses me off to see you get treated this way.

You do realize there are women out there that are not only physicaly health but emotionally heath and will give you the good things you diserve, instead of spending the day in a hospital waiting room.

I hope you know what her recovery time will be cause this will be the amount of time it takes to disgards you once again!

Again she has all these guys that she emails back and forth and yet today they are no were in site.

I bet you $20.00 she starts texting her boyfriends while you are driving her home from the hopital.

Man, how much can you you take?


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

She's having a D&C, so was she pregnant and the baby died? I'm an expert on medicine, but I don't know any other reason why a woman has a D&C.


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## Venusina (May 13, 2012)

She just asked you to move back because of *her convenience...*

It might be ok to help her, why not? 

But, why would you still want to be with her? She is still cheating.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Why on earth did you go home?

The only reason you had to go home, was to kick her out and then live there. 

Man up already and handle your business. You already know shes cheating. 

She never stopped her affair, so its nit like shes cheating anew. 

Kick her out.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

And you want to stay married to woman that pursues other men why?


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Ive posted on this forum before. My WW was the nurse that was thinking about travel nursing. Long story short, I caught her cheating with a guy she knew from facebook. It consisted of yahoo messenger texts, phone calls, and video calls. It started fairly quickly to sexting. The messages I saw were highly sexual....vulgar...the language and the context was as if a teenagers were talking to each other. When I found out, it had been going o for 2 months. I confronted her, she explained that she was unhappy, etc.
> I decided to leave, packed up my stuff out of our house and left. We texted each other but she didnt have any remorse. After 3 days of this...I exposed to some friends and family. She was furious....
> After 2 weeks of me gone, I snooped and saw that she had signed up for 3 dating sites. She was getting all sorts of attentionfrom these new guys while at the same time still in connection with the guy from facebook.
> 
> ...


Listen I am not going to beat around the bush or be nice. You are ignoring the problems and are letting your emotions and desperation cloud your judgement. I hope you aren't offended by what I have said but sometimes people need a wake up call and I would definitely say it is time for a wake up call.
She is your WIFE not your roommate. She is using you and you are acting like a whipped puppy. You were in a prime position to wreck her multiple affairs and take away her CAKE. Instead you move back in and help her pay for CHEATING on you.

STOP this and wake up. You need to pack up and leave again. You don't give her a dime unless she has to have it to survive. IF the house is in your name you leave now pack her things for her. When she gets home send her out the door. Your house your rules If she knows her stuff she will call the cops but canceling her phone and internet would be a start for me. If she is going to cheat let it be on her dime not yours. 

It is time to Man UP and tear this woman to pieces. This woman is probably having a PA right now. Look up "No More Mr. Nice Guy", "the 180", and start standing up for yourself. Stop letting her manipulate you. 
Move back out and cut her off. Stop answering the phone, stop replying to texts, and start the D process so she knows that you aren't going to be her sad, depressed BH, she can lure into doing whatever she wants. Good luck

oh and to answer the title of the thread "OH HELLL NO"


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Let me try to answer some questions...
No she wasn't pregnant. We went to a fertility clinic for IVF back in January. We were told that her ovaries didn't respond to the medication. So our only other options were to adopt or use a donor egg.
Well she didn't want a donor egg if she couldn't have her own biological child.
So our plan was to try some other medications to see if they would work. The plan was to try it out in june or so.
Turns out the affair started in mid May or so. 
At the time I had no idea why, but she became distant and ignoring me.
She started sleeping in our spare bedroom as well.
After I found out, I understood why she did these things....because of her secret relationship.

I did snoop right after I moved back home. I saw a message she sent to the guy from facebook. She tells him that she is trying to work it oout with me. She forwards this message to another email account. She also tells him that she will keep in touch with him periodically to see how he is doing. She sent this right after I movec back.

Since I've moved back home she has told me she loves me. She has even booked a cruise for us a few days before Christmas.
So I am disappointed that she is trying to still hide things from me. 
I have a spy software on her phone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

You are not in R if you are living together as "roomates"....


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Why after 5 weeks she wants you back? Oh ya the mortgage....

So the roommate deal is off the table and you guys are now a happily married couple except for one thing.....her secret life?

How can you share your wife like that?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At the end of the day you need keep looking and find out what is really going on. I think its just a matter of time....hell who knows what will happen in a few months......

Is your name on the cruise ticket or is it open for who ever she desided to take?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> .
> So I am disappointed that she is trying to still hide things from me.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jeff,
Disappointed is the only feeling your have? Brother I would be be mad as hell, and wouldn;t tolorate it.....lifes to short!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hicks said:


> And you want to stay married to woman that pursues other men why?


Because he loves her and was shocked to find out what type of a person his wife had become? Or always was, but hid it well?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Leave the hospital now...

Go home and clean out your closet and drawers, pack up and leave...

She absolutely has no intention of being transparent for you. She is still clinging to the hope of rekindling her affair. 

Your marriage is all but dead.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

the guy said:


> Jeff,
> Disappointed is the only feeling your have? Brother I would be be mad as hell, and wouldn;t tolorate it.....lifes to short!


This to me sounds like a 'British' understatement use of the word 'disappointed.'

A quiet, hidden, raging fury disappointment?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Yeah I can see that things seem weird......its as if she wants to forget about all that had happened and go back to our old life that we had.

She doesn't know that I am aware of her dating site. As far as I can tell, since I moved back in, she has stopped responding to any messages that she receives from the dating site. She does though visit tbe site to read the messages. That has waned off but she did access the site yesterday....not by responding but just reading a message or two.
Still hurts to see her do this. I know she was addicted to all the attention she was receiving. I guess so, since some of the profile pics she uploaded were of her in lingerie. So these guys pick up on that and instantly write her.
Her account on the dating site is set to expire on October 31. If she renews, well then I would have another answer to how she really feels.
But why book a cruise (3000$) and still be secretive about her cell phone access code. I mean, changing it while you are in preop?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Yeah I can see that things seem weird......its as if she wants to forget about all that had happened and go back to our old life that we had.
> 
> She doesn't know that I am aware of her dating site. As far as I can tell, since I moved back in, she has stopped responding to any messages that she receives from the dating site. She does though visit tbe site to read the messages. That has waned off but she did access the site yesterday....not by responding but just reading a message or two.
> Still hurts to see her do this. I know she was addicted to all the attention she was receiving. I guess so, since some of the profile pics she uploaded were of her in lingerie. So these guys pick up on that and instantly write her.
> ...


Could she have had some kind of a breakdown? Seriously. She might need a measure of professional help. And perhaps a little more than MC.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Did she pay for the cruise with her money? Or is that your $3k?


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> At the end of the day you need keep looking and find out what is really going on. I think its just a matter of time....hell who knows what will happen in a few months......
> 
> Is your name on the cruise ticket or is it open for who ever she desided to take?


You know, I think it is in just her name. She has told her mom and friends that we are going on a cruise....so taking someone else would be shocking to all that know.

I was reluctant about going on a cruise...I mean why go when you have gone tbru something as terrible as an affair.
My question is, what goes thru someones mind to think they can just forget what happened.
I think she is delusional and may have some mental problems with reality and fantasy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

You ever see that movie 50/50?

Kinda a big reversal for your situation, but does fit. 

Your wife doesn't want you reading her emails because she is HAVING AN AFFAIR! GASP! 

While you stringing you along to pay for her bills. GASP!

Also cruise? 
Sure that is for you?

Or maybe it was for her and her OM, but he happened to find someone younger and hotter to bone, so she finally got tossed out with the trash by him, wanted someone to take with her. 
So she is taking you.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Well... you were about to get her phone unsupervised for 30-60 minutes, weren't you?
> 
> 
> .


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Well... you were about to get her phone unsupervised for 30-60 minutes, weren't you?
> 
> 
> .


Yeah that was my first thought.....its sad to know this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> You ever see that movie 50/50?
> 
> Kinda a big reversal for your situation, but does fit.
> 
> ...


She booked the cruise this past weekend.....she paid for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Or maybe it was for her and her OM, but he happened to find someone younger and hotter to bone, so she finally got tossed out with the trash by him, wanted someone to take with her.
> So she is taking you.


Bingo!


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Could she have had some kind of a breakdown? Seriously. She might need a measure of professional help. And perhaps a little more than MC.


MattMatt, the way I see it her problems shouldn't concern OP anymore. He already gave her a chance to come clean, she didn't respect or acknowledge the gift he's giving her. She's using him like an emotional tampon to get over her affair. I'm pretty sure, left to her own devices, she'll have another affair as soon as the dust settles.

OP, IMO, you need to spare yourself the pain of false R.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> She booked the cruise this past weekend.....she paid for it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And she doesn't want you to see her phone or her emails...

How long does it take for a OM to dump a cheating wife because he found someone much hotter? 

Also, sounds like she is expecting "Forgive and forget."

You may want to wake her up so she knows that expectation won't fly.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> MattMatt, the way I see it her problems shouldn't concern OP anymore. He already gave her a chance to come clean, she didn't respect or acknowledge the gift he's giving her. She's using him like an emotional tampon to get over her affair. I'm pretty sure, left to her own devices, she'll have another affair as soon as the dust settles.
> 
> OP, IMO, you need to spare yourself the pain of false R.


YEa, let's just say it right now. 

NOT EVERYONE IS CUT OUT FOR MARRIAGE!

My dad is a perfect example. 
Your wife is another. 

People that can't remain faithful and have trouble seeing why they hurt others with their stupid actions should not be in relationships. 

You could divorce then date, but stay married to a cheating wife like that?

You know the saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me."

Guess what that means! 
Cheat on me once, it is your fault for being stupid. 
Cheat on my twice, it is my fault for being stupid enough to give you a second chance.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I can see the head line now.......

"Man Falls Over Board On Cruiseship"


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> I can see the head line now.......
> 
> "Man Falls Over Board On Cruiseship"


I want $50 bucks on those odds. 
And another $50 that the wife won't get serious jail time. (like actually sentenced to more than a year)


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Another thing that is disturbing about her dating site involvement, was that she would engage in cybersex with these guys. 
I was able to read her messages during the we were apart...which was just for 6 weeks. 
They would start off talking about normal stuff in order to know one another...then it would progress to cybersex. She would masterbate while doing this. She even sent one guy pics of her privates after she masterbated.

What a strange set of events I have witnessed.

Maybe she did have a breakdown because of being told she can't have children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> You know, I think it is in just her name. She has told her mom and friends that we are going on a cruise....so taking someone else would be shocking to all that know.
> 
> I was reluctant about going on a cruise...I mean why go when you have gone tbru something as terrible as an affair.
> My question is, what goes thru someones mind to think they can just forget what happened.
> ...


I get why you are ok with the cruise. It probably made you feel good that she wanted to do that with you, made you feel wanted, loved again after all she has done to make you feel terrible. 

My husband is the same way about what has happened, its like they want to forget it. I can forgive but I cant forget and until we do some work to get through it TOGETHER, no one is going to be happy.

Her changing her pw at the last minute obviously says that she is still hiding stuff, and you have to find out what. You said you have spy software on her phone. Have you made any discoveries, how long have you had it on there?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Can anyone else see the huge cake eating going on here with Jeffs WW?

I'm trying to stop drinking so I go into a bar and just look at the bottles. maybe at the end of the month they will 86 me for not drinking!

My point is if WW wants to affair proof her marriage then even looking at dating site responses is not going to work. 

Its wierd how she tells you she loves you and doesn't have a clue you are on to her second life. Even though you know whats going on its nuts she thinks she has pulled one over on you.

Jeff you have balls of steel to look at her and know what you know!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> Maybe she did have a breakdown because of being told she can't have children.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


All the more reason for her to get help ......I would demand it or else I'd be gone! Life is to short.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What is the goal here: is it to reconcile or just live together until she leaves for her job? 

If it's the former, then she needs to be transparent and stop hiding things (which she is, don't kid yourself). Passcoding her phone is a huge indication she is still not being fully honest with you. If it's the latter, then stop going to marital counselling and start making arrangements to separate your lives.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

the guy said:


> Jeff you have balls of steel to look at her and know what you know!!!!!!!!


Or he can't find them because he is refusing to accept the fact his wife isn't coming back. 

She needs to choose which one she wants. And looks like she wants her second life more than her first one. Otherwise, she would have completely cut herself off from her second life.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> She's having a D&C, so was she pregnant and the baby died? I'm an expert on medicine, but I don't know any other reason why a woman has a D&C.


I have to call foul on this statement. You don't have to be an "expert" to know that this is incorrect.


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

Until OP can respond to why he's letting this woman walk all over him I don't see how advice is helpful if you aren't looking for help. I'm sorry to sound kind of harsh or indifferent but this seems like a rhetorical thread. 

"my wife is cheating on me, I don't like it and want it to stop, she is still cheating on me, what do I do?" 

I think the answer is pretty easy, if your wife values being with other people then let her. Just let her do it as a single woman. You got to pick up your own life here and move forward. Start 180 and stick to it. I'd say you really need to get that lawyer on the move again and start the asset split. 

Put the house up for sale, decline the cruise as well. Tell her that it would betray your morals to go as you couldn't betray your wife, ya know the one who made vows to you, not this serial cheater. 

my .02


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> YEa, let's just say it right now.
> 
> NOT EVERYONE IS CUT OUT FOR MARRIAGE!
> 
> ...



Yeah I see what you are saying..

She has done something inappropriate before...
4 years ago I guess she felt neglected (b/c I was studying for my license exams) and she started talking to two guys. One was a guy she knew online before she met me & the other was a nurse that she knew as a student. 

The online guy has always been contacting her with text messages...one liners usually...like hows it going sexy. I think the douche bag has either a wife or a fiance.
The other guy, I believe she actively looked for him online, I think on facebook.

She would talk to these guys on the phone & texts on her drive home back from work. She'd also talk to them when I was away visiting family.
This went on for about 3-4 months. I caught on about 1-1/2 months into it via a keylogger on her computer. From that I found out the password to the phone records (phone is in her name). There I found 300 or more phone calls & texts. The phone calls were usually 30-40 minutes each.

I confronted her.. Her response was that she was getting the 'male perspective' on our marriage.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ohhhhhhh man.

Get a divorce and get away from this woman.

Male perspective? :rofl:


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I confronted her.. Her response was that she was getting the 'male perspective' on our marriage.


Male perspective?
What do you think that means?

If you can't come up with the right answer, I would suggest getting:
Your brain checked
or
Your hormone levels checked

Because any guy here could see that is her saying "I want to have sex with other men."


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I confronted her.. Her response was that she was getting the 'male perspective' on our marriage.


The only male perspective she should be getting is YOURS.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Let me try to answer some questions...
> No she wasn't pregnant. We went to a fertility clinic for IVF back in January. We were told that her ovaries didn't respond to the medication. So our only other options were to adopt or use a donor egg.
> Well she didn't want a donor egg if she couldn't have her own biological child.
> So our plan was to try some other medications to see if they would work. The plan was to try it out in june or so.
> ...


This post is just dripping in beta justifications and rationalizations. 

Especially the bolded one. I don't know why you're talking as if that a good thing, thats just rugsweeping the affair. 

You need to man up, you really do. I don't what the hell you're waiting for as THE AFFAIR NEVER STOPPED, its still going on. 


Whats she doing to you is those useless parents who think after abandoning their children that they can be good parents if they send a birthday gift every year.

Your that child, shes the bad parent, and that trip is the present.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Mtts said:


> Until OP can respond to why he's letting this woman walk all over him I don't see how advice is helpful if you aren't looking for help. I'm sorry to sound kind of harsh or indifferent but this seems like a rhetorical thread.
> 
> "my wife is cheating on me, I don't like it and want it to stop, she is still cheating on me, what do I do?"
> 
> ...


You are right.....I guess I still had some hope for her.
But I guess she will never change....the fact that she has changed her swipe code proves to me that she is trying to hide something....emails obviously. 

She has deleted all the pictures of the guys that were sent to her from the dating site....she has also deleted all the pics that she took of her privates.

I know....that sounds so weird....'she deleted the pics that she took of her privates'..


I guess I am trying to stick it out so we can sell our house.
I can then expose her some more to her friends & her family.
As far as her family, they only know about the initial Facebook guy. I sent them a full transcript of their messages to each other.

Her mom obviously took her said & told me that we were not meant for each other. I think she was trying to refer to that we are not the same personality or something trivial like that.
Also that her daughters relationship with this other guy has nothing to do with the problems that we have. 

Yeah....we are not made for each other...she is a cheater & I am not. Case closed...simple enough. My mother in law is an idiot.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> I get why you are ok with the cruise. It probably made you feel good that she wanted to do that with you, made you feel wanted, loved again after all she has done to make you feel terrible.
> 
> My husband is the same way about what has happened, its like they want to forget it. I can forgive but I cant forget and until we do some work to get through it TOGETHER, no one is going to be happy.
> 
> *Her changing her pw at the last minute obviously says that she is still hiding stuff*, and you have to find out what. You said you have spy software on her phone. Have you made any discoveries, how long have you had it on there?


Yeah I have been thinking about the fact that she changed her pw while in pre-op. This is while she is in a pre-op gown & ready for surgery. She knew I would have her phone & she didnt want to take any chances of me getting into her phone.

Yeah I have spyware that just records phone numbers, text messages & websites visited. 
I really need a keylogger....has anyone used one for an Android phone?

But then again, whats the use....why? I mean, she obviously has some trust issues. Whats the use of me trying to find out more stuff.

My plan is to sell the house...we'll both take the loss on the mortgage..about $20k each.
If I get laid off from my job before then..I will act like I have a job until I sell the house.
I also taking advantage of a gym membership that she pays for, that way I can at least better myself before I leave.

Once the house is sold, I will leave her. 
She won't change.

She is out of her mind. She is now talking about going to see another doctor for IVF...?? 
I just dont understand how a woman can rationalize this in her mind with what she has done to us.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> You know, I think it is in just her name. She has told her mom and friends that we are going on a cruise....so taking someone else would be shocking to all that know.
> 
> I was reluctant about going on a cruise...I mean why go when you have gone tbru something as terrible as an affair.
> My question is, what goes thru someones mind to think they can just forget what happened.
> ...



She is trying to buy you out using a cruise trip. Like parents who overindulge their kids for their shortcomings as parents


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

jeff_r said:


> Another thing that is disturbing about her dating site involvement, was that she would engage in cybersex with these guys.
> I was able to read her messages during the we were apart...which was just for 6 weeks.
> They would start off talking about normal stuff in order to know one another...then it would progress to cybersex. She would masterbate while doing this. She even sent one guy pics of her privates after she masterbated.
> 
> ...



That is disgusting and classless!! Why would you want to be with this woman ?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> MattMatt, the way I see it her problems shouldn't concern OP anymore. He already gave her a chance to come clean, she didn't respect or acknowledge the gift he's giving her. She's using him like an emotional tampon to get over her affair. I'm pretty sure, left to her own devices, she'll have another affair as soon as the dust settles.
> 
> OP, IMO, you need to spare yourself the pain of false R.


Yep, but if she really is suffering from a mental health problem that has resulted in problems in the marriage, OP will want to ensure he does everything he can to help her get well and see if the marriage can be saved before bringing the curtain down on it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Yeah I have been thinking about the fact that she changed her pw while in pre-op. This is while she is in a pre-op gown & ready for surgery. She knew I would have her phone & she didnt want to take any chances of me getting into her phone.
> 
> Yeah I have spyware that just records phone numbers, text messages & websites visited.
> I really need a keylogger....has anyone used one for an Android phone?
> ...


A Google search threw up several. This was only the first I saw:- http://www.spectorsoft.com/products...r&placement=&gclid=CLaK96b9iLMCFcrItAodNjwABA


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I just dont understand how a woman can rationalize this in her mind with what she has done to us.


Because when men argue, we need to be logical and make sense. If it isn't a logical arguement, we are seen as stupid by people. 

Women have emotion and feelings. When they are in an arguement where they are clearly in the wrong, people assume they are just being emotional.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I just dont understand how a woman can rationalize this in her mind with what she has done to us.


She is obviously delusional!! OR she believes that since you came back and are "there for her" that you are forgiving her and she got away with it. Is the house up for sale already?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I mean no disrespect OP but your wife is not only a serial cheater...she's a bit *skanky* with lingerie pics on dating sites...when I was on a dating site, my friends & I would laugh hysterically at those women....

If your wife can have sex with other men with your knowlege, does that mean you have an open marriage?


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, NORMALLY a woman gets a D&C for a pregnacy that didn't take. Not all the time, but the vast majority get a D&C for that.

You were gone for a while 5-6 weeks? When you got back in the house, did you have sex with her?

This is a red flag for me. If I were you, I would see my doctor and get checked out.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

Kasler said:


> Why on earth did you go home?
> 
> The only reason you had to go home, was to kick her out and then live there.
> 
> ...


****ing this man. Kick her out. She should be afraid of you and she's not.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> My question is, what goes thru someones mind to think they can just forget what happened.
> I think she is delusional and may have some mental problems with reality and fantasy.


Maybe she's counting on the fact that you will help her sweep it under the rug. It's worked so far.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Here's the thing; her situation doesn't fit the classic affair. The one where she met a co-worker, or neighbor, and they were both lonely, so they started talking about stuff, and then as their conversations became more intimate, they developed "feelings," and next thing you know they were either having sex or else they were infatuated or both.

No--she is seeking validation and attention from various sources simultaneously. This is not the case of an "affair fog" meaning a powerful attachment to one person due to infatuation. This is a case of addiction to attention from men she doesn't know very well.

I point this out because this behavior is in line with someone who has serious, serious issues. Whether it's a belief that she's unloveable (perhaps she feels she's not a real woman, since she's infertile) or because she's self-centered (a narcissist), she craves this attention like candy...or more accurately, like a drug. Once you see her behavior as that of an addict, everything falls into place. Yes, like the others I believe it's possible she's fallen out of love with you entirely and just sees dollar signs when she looks in your direction. I'm not so sure that's the case--but I do know that she has close to zero interest in giving up her drug, because she's still on that dating website.

So why do people do drugs? Well, they do them because they're depressed or to relieve stress or anxiety. It's a type of self-medication. But what that means is that she has an illness. Not sure how serious it is--but I can tell you with complete certainty, you alone cannot cure it. This is a problem inside her, and she has to want to fix it. She will need an expert counselor to guide her.

If she doesn't renew the dating website membership, or create any new ones, that will be big. It will be a good first step in cutting back on her addiction. But now you can see why we're not big fans of cell phones here on TAM. We see too many "validation addicts" with smartphones who are always one click away from a hit.

THAT is the scope of the problem you're facing--think about facing that over the long term--trusting her with a cell phone and a computer, when you know how she prefers to use them.





P.S. The cruise thing is weird, in light of everything else. Is it at all possible she was going on it with someone else, got attached to taking the trip, and then decided to take you instead? I expect you'll say she bought the tickets after you moved back together, but that doesn't mean she didn't already have the idea to go with someone else first.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Dude, NORMALLY a woman gets a D&C for a pregnacy that didn't take. Not all the time, but the vast majority get a D&C for that.
> 
> You were gone for a while 5-6 weeks? When you got back in the house, did you have sex with her?
> 
> This is a red flag for me. If I were you, I would see my doctor and get checked out.


Here's the question I have about the D&C--were you there with the gyno gave the diagnosis, or discussed the procedure, or is all of this stuff she told you.

D&C's can be used to remove uterine polyps and correct abnormal bleeding. It's easy to find via google.

It's not too surprising that she is diagnosed as infertile and she has uterine problems. The fact that the dr. says she needs donor eggs really seems to weigh against her having been pregnant.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Emerald said:


> I mean no disrespect OP but your wife is not only a serial cheater...she's a bit *skanky* with lingerie pics on dating sites...when I was on a dating site, my friends & I would laugh hysterically at those women....
> 
> If your wife can have sex with other men with your knowlege, does that mean you have an open marriage?



The profile she has is on a site called curvydates. Its for BBW. See, she is a size 20...about 245 lbs.
I guess she thinks sending these guys other lingerie pics makes her very desirable. The guys themselves are dogs in how they act. Its all about looks...sexual stuff.

No we have never had an open marriage.

Do I think what she did was gross and skanky.....definitely yes.
It made feel so sad to know that she was doing this. 
She was also telling these guys that I was a terrible person.
That the reason why we didn't go with a donor egg was that she didn't love me enough to do it for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Here's the thing; her situation doesn't fit the classic affair. The one where she met a co-worker, or neighbor, and they were both lonely, so they started talking about stuff, and then as their conversations became more intimate, they developed "feelings," and next thing you know they were either having sex or else they were infatuated or both.
> 
> No--she is seeking validation and attention from various sources simultaneously. This is not the case of an "affair fog" meaning a powerful attachment to one person due to infatuation. This is a case of addiction to attention from men she doesn't know very well.
> 
> ...


Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head with all that you stated. YES I think it is a valadation issue that she has.
Addiction is also definitely part of it too. 

Here is something else that I haven't shared about her....
Before I met her, she had been on dating sites. Actually I met her on one. I didn't know it at the time, but she was on the dating site she has her profile on recently.....curvydates.

To my defense, I was married before (she left me for someone else that she knew...classic affair).
Anyway, I was new to online dating. I tried a few...match.com, yahoo, etc. I met several women, but most were not my type.
Meeting my WW was a fluke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Meeting your WW was not a fluke, it was the same kind of women you married before.

Go learn the tools to stop picking these kind of women.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Here's the question I have about the D&C--were you there with the gyno gave the diagnosis, or discussed the procedure, or is all of this stuff she told you.
> 
> D&C's can be used to remove uterine polyps and correct abnormal bleeding. It's easy to find via google.
> 
> It's not too surprising that she is diagnosed as infertile and she has uterine problems. The fact that the dr. says she needs donor eggs really seems to weigh against her having been pregnant.


Yes I was there with her and the doctor. She has fibroids and endometriosis. The IVF doc recommended surgery to remove the endometriosis, which she did last October. Then after that we started the IVF meds.

When I moved back home (August 31) she started her period. She told me that she hadn't had one in 3 months or so.
Well she has had continuous bleeding since then. We went to the ER and they said to go to her obgyn as soon as possible. The obgynxoc said that a D&C would help in the short term, but more than likely something more drastic will have to be done.
Like getting pregnant or having a hysterectomy.....this is what he told me after the procedure today.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> Meeting your WW was not a fluke, it was the same kind of women you married before.
> 
> Go learn the tools to stop picking these kind of women.


Well I don't know about that.....my first wife is a lot different from my WW. First wife is from my culture (southern) and comes from a different home life.....poorer...parents with low education.....*******
WW is from originally from Washington state......father was a govt veterinarian....family seems more traditional
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jeff_r said:


> Well I don't know about that.....my first wife is a lot different from my WW. First wife is from my culture (southern) and comes from a different home life.....poorer...parents with low education.....*******
> WW is from originally from Washington state......father was a govt veterinarian....family seems more traditional
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But yet they both lacked the boundries to have a commited relationship and or felt the need to step out of a commited relationship.

Maybe its not so much there back ground as it was how they were raised or the events in there life that made them make the choices that were so unhealthy.

I guess I'm comparing the simularities in ther behavoir when it comes to lack of boundries in a commited relationship with you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Wow, I think you hit the nail on the head with all that you stated. YES I think it is a valadation issue that she has.
> Addiction is also definitely part of it too.
> 
> Here is something else that I haven't shared about her....
> ...


Well, if you buy into the idea that this is an addiction (and just for the record, it's really not physically addictive, it's classified as a compulsion, i.e. an extremely bad habit--but one she can break if she really wants to*), then you have to treat it like an addiction.

First--you cannot blame yourself. While you can improve as a husband and a person, everyone can do that, you can only be the best version of you that there is. You cannot change just to suit her. If she doesn't like the real, best you--well then too bad for her, it's her loss, not yours.

Second, you cannot rescue or fix her. Unfortunately, it's quite common for people with addictive tendencies to marry "fixers" i.e., co-dependents. Rescuers, white knights, they always believe that if they just try a little bit harder, they'll be able to change their spouse. You know, listening more. Being more understanding. Making them happy, etc. People with the types of serious issues she has cannot be fixed by their spouses. Again, it requires counseling from someone with training.

I would seek out Internet/porn addiction counselors. While I'm sure she'll freak at that suggestion, so don't tell her that part, if you describe the situation and ask for a referral, they may be able to find an individual therapist, or better yet, a marriage counselor who is trained in dealing with these issues. They have seen it all and will understand the compulsive nature of her behavior.

Third--at some point you will have to bite the bullet and stop the enabling. If she can't be trusted with the computer or the cell phone, she is going to have to give up open / free Internet access and a smartphone. She is the one who has to prove that she's trustworthy if she wants to be married to you. Just like you don't let a druggie drive to the bad part of town alone, and you don't stock liquor for company when you live with an alcoholic. If that's too heavy for you to handle right now, Internet addiction counselors can help guide you in how to deal with all of that.

Last--regarding the dating websites. What makes you so sure she hasn't always maintained a finger in that pie throughout your marriage?



*although it will likely require professional help


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

the guy said:


> But yet they both lacked the boundries to have a commited relationship and or felt the need to step out of a commited relationship.
> 
> Maybe its not so much there back ground as it was how they were raised or the events in there life that made them make the choices that were so unhealthy.
> 
> I guess I'm comparing the simularities in ther behavoir when it comes to lack of boundries in a commited relationship with you.


Yeah I understand the boundary issue.....they obviously lack any.

Sometimes I think about what happened in my past and what happened recently....I get depressed and think its me...that I am the problem...I'm the common denominator in both.

I don't if I can ever trust another woman again. All I have ever known is for one to cheat on me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Jeff. Please just move on. Stop torturing yourself and realize that life is too short to put up with this kind of crap. Addiction , complusion, stupid a$$ narcisicst...What does it matter? MOVE ON!

Good luck


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Well, if you buy into the idea that this is an addiction (and just for the record, it's really not physically addictive, it's classified as a compulsion, i.e. an extremely bad habit--but one she can break if she really wants to), then you have to treat it like an addiction.
> 
> First--you cannot blame yourself. While you can improve as a husband and a person, everyone can do that, you can only be the best version of you that there is. You cannot change just to suit her. If she doesn't like the real, best you--well then too bad for her, it's her loss, not yours.
> 
> ...


Wow those are some good points you make.
You know, I haven't pushed transparency with her yet. Ive left her to come to the conclusion to do that so far. And so far she has chosen not to.

You are right..I have no idea if she has always been involved in a dating site one way or another. 
The first time I caught her with the two guys.....I found out by using a keylogger and by looking at our phone records.
She got the smartphone last year.....august or sept of last year. 
From what I can tell, she didn't do anything inappropriate during that time until this past May. 

I tend to think that her being told that she is infertile probably played a role in her doing what she did.
Maybe she felt she didn't have anything to lose since she was unhappy with our relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

KanDo said:


> Jeff. Please just move on. Stop torturing yourself and realize that life is too short to put up with this kind of crap. Addiction , complusion, stupid a$$ narcisicst...What does it matter? MOVE ON!
> 
> Good luck


Oh I know, my family, work peers, etc...have told me to move on. That she is broken.

But I guess I want to convine myself that I tried. That it is not me.
That I am not the central reason why our marriage failed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Wow those are some good points you make.
> You know, I haven't pushed transparency with her yet. Ive left her to come to the conclusion to do that so far. And so far she has chosen not to.


Well, she isn't ever going to come to that conclusion on her own. She just isn't. You aren't very likely to persuade her, either. A counselor might be able to. But compulsions are very hard to break. She may never get there--is it worth the bother?



> You are right..I have no idea if she has always been involved in a dating site one way or another.
> The first time I caught her with the two guys.....I found out by using a keylogger and by looking at our phone records.
> She got the smartphone last year.....august or sept of last year.
> From what I can tell, she didn't do anything inappropriate during that time until this past May.


I think the reason this is not in your favor is that she was on that site before. Maybe she never closed her account down and periodically checked it for a little ego boost now and then. A little nip before breakfast, a little sip before bedtime to bookend a hard day. 



> I tend to think that her being told that she is infertile probably played a role in her doing what she did.
> Maybe she felt she didn't have anything to lose since she was unhappy with our relationship.


It played a role--but what role? Maybe it just caused her to fall off the wagon completely when she was only half on to begin with.


I'm sorry to sound so cynical. But these people--men and women, who crave validation from numerous people, especially strangers--they tend to be yawning black holes of need that are never filled. You can try. But the success rate for their changing is pretty low. I know that's hard to hear. It's just based on so many similar stories.

If you really want to try specialized counseling, go for it. But think about counseling for yourself, too, so you can get a grip on what's within your control, and what is not. Stop being a fixer and living through her--you'll see her serious problems more objectively and be happier for it.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Well, she isn't ever going to come to that conclusion on her own. She just isn't. You aren't very likely to persuade her, either. A counselor might be able to. But compulsions are very hard to break. She may never get there--is it worth the bother?
> 
> I think the reason this is not in your favor is that she was on that site before. Maybe she never closed her account down and periodically checked it for a little ego boost now and then. A little nip before breakfast, a little sip before bedtime to bookend a hard day.
> 
> ...


I've realized that have been codependent in our relationship. 
But the way I am trying to cope with it is to remove myself emotionally over time.
Women do it to men all the time...why not me.

I want to know that gave her a chance to come clean....that I gave her a chance to be remorseful.....transparent...etc.
Her recent behavior proves other wise.

Then when my feelings are gone....I can walk away with my head held high.

I will expose to her family and friends about her dating site, cybersex, pics of her privates, etc. 
I don't want her to dismissing our relationship by telling everyone a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I've realized that have been codependent in our relationship.
> But the way I am trying to cope with it is to remove myself emotionally over time.
> Women do it to men all the time...why not me.
> 
> ...


Like I've said several times--if you want to try, try specialized counseling for Internet addiction. That isn't precisely her problem but they will totally get her--just take a look at the online counseling that's offered for this stuff and you'll see that this type of Internet cheating is one of their specialities. I wouldn't go with online counseling, I'd find someone in person, but that is who has the skill to handle it.

STOP kidding yourself that she is strong enough to "just do it." Ain't gonna happen! You're not giving her chances to change--she's already had that and more. Just give up on that unless you're going to get professional help. Professional. Help.

On the subject of emotional detachment--I don't know anyone who was able to do it entirely while living with their spouse. I don't get that at all, to be honest. If it's emotional detachment you want, move out, and go dark.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Oh I know, my family, work peers, etc...have told me to move on. That she is broken.
> 
> *But I guess I want to convine myself that I tried. That it is not me.
> That I am not the central reason why our marriage failed.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Jeff

Your wife is the reason, not you.

You are tryng to repair it, she is not.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Like I've said several times--if you want to try, try specialized counseling for Internet addiction. That isn't precisely her problem but they will totally get her--just take a look at the online counseling that's offered for this stuff and you'll see that this type of Internet cheating is one of their specialities. I wouldn't go with online counseling, I'd find someone in person, but that is who has the skill to handle it.
> 
> STOP kidding yourself that she is strong enough to "just do it." Ain't gonna happen! You're not giving her chances to change--she's already had that and more. Just give up on that unless you're going to get professional help. Professional. Help.
> 
> On the subject of emotional detachment--I don't know anyone who was able to do it entirely while living with their spouse. I don't get that at all, to be honest. If it's emotional detachment you want, move out, and go dark.


Well I am going to try my best to detach. I already feel some of it already. Her actions have given me affirmation that I am going in the right direction.

On the other hand she might feel more emotionally attached to me as time rolls on. Because I've been meeting her needs and doing what she wants me to do.

The Timberlake song 'cry me a river' comes to mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Malaise said:


> Jeff
> 
> Your wife is the reason, not you.
> 
> You are tryng to repair it, she is not.


Well I'm glad someone else sees it this way too....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

You tolerate way too much. Your own boundaries need work as well. It's not reasonable to allow yourself to be used like this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Ovid said:


> You tolerate way too much. Your own boundaries need work as well. It's not reasonable to allow yourself to be used like this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You think she is crafty enough to use me....I am prepared.

Yes I have tolerated to much from her. She has proven to be a liar, cheater and a wh*re.

And she is batsh*t crazy......
Tonight she talked non stop about the cruise...the food, restaurants, even how to sneak alcohol on board
_Posted via Mobile Device_u


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Jeff
> Sometimes I think about what happened in my past and what happened recently....I get depressed and think its me...that I am the problem...I'm the common denominator in both.
> 
> Oh I know, my family, work peers, etc...have told me to move on. That she is broken.
> ...



Jeff
While you allow your self to try and convince yourself that you are not the central reason for your disrespectful marriage, you wife is getting deeper and deeper into her addiction.

Get some help with your feeling like you have to convince yourself that you are the reason for your wife being a serial cheater that has stated that she does not want you or respect you.* Because you have been stepped on like a door mat you are doubting yourself*

The cruise is a balancing act by your wife. She wants you as a backup and has not broken completely away from her flaws in her character that is deadly to a husband’s emotions. *Your depression is proof that your self esteem and self respect are being driven into the ground by your wife’s actions.*


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Jeff
> While you allow your self to try and convince yourself that you are not the central reason for your disrespectful marriage, you wife is getting deeper and deeper into her addiction.
> 
> Get some help with your feeling like you have to convince yourself that you are the reason for your wife being a serial cheater that has stated that she does not want you or respect you.* Because you have been stepped on like a door mat you are doubting yourself*
> ...


Yes, I do feel like a door mat these past few months. Who knows when she started this 2nd life.

I still want to walk away that I was the better person. That I did not make her do any of this. That I gave her a chance to reconcile....to express remorse.

I lived with guilt after my first marriage ended. I knew that she left to be with someone else...but she tried to paint it as them being just friends. I guess she was trying to deceive herself into thinking what she was doing was ok.

Anyway, I lived with the guilt back then...I am not going to go thru that again this time.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

My WW is a nurse & she has been working the night shift for the past 4 weeks. This week is her last week & she returns back to days.

Yesterday as I mentioned, she was having surgery for a D&C.
I took her back home yesterday evening....got her some food since she was hungry....put her to bed on the couch.

Since she works nights, she is awake from dusk till sunrise. Last night she did not have to work, but she still has to keep this awake schedule.

We go to a pharmacy to drop off a prescription for her (11 pm) & then go to a grocery store to buy food, etc. We get home around 12 or so...I then proceed to go to bed around 1 am.

Like I mentioned, I have a spyware on her phone.
Around 2 am, I see that her first access to her phone was to go to the dating site & read an email message.
Other than this, I can not tell if she responded or deleted the message, etc. All I can see is that she visited the email portion of the dating site. I know her user name & pw to the dating site. She has deleted all the messages that she has sent in the outbox. 
I don't know why though??

She then spends an hour or two looking at shoes.

Then the unusual part....from about 3:30 am till I wake up at 6:45 am....
I see that she has visited an online streaming porn site.

The videos are about swingers/gangbang/creampie, etc.

She must have looked at 30 or 40 during this time.

I'm shocked that she would want to look at this stuff...especially after having obgyn surgery (D&C).


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> And she is batsh*t crazy......
> Tonight she talked non stop about the cruise...the food, restaurants, even how to sneak alcohol on board
> _Posted via Mobile Device_u


LMAO at batsh*t crazy!! Did you say anything at all to her about changing her password or are you going to just let it slide? I might be inclinded to tell her that I dont intend on going on any cruise with her unless she becomes totally transparent! Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> My WW is a nurse & she has been working the night shift for the past 4 weeks. This week is her last week & she returns back to days.
> 
> Yesterday as I mentioned, she was having surgery for a D&C.
> I took her back home yesterday evening....got her some food since she was hungry....put her to bed on the couch.
> ...


Wow she doesnt waste any time does she? Im shocked, well not really but in a way....just YUCK!! Im guessing that you wont expose what you know so that you can continue to monitor her phone use? This is the area that I usually fail in, when I find something, rather then sitting on it...I blow up and expose myself. Now I have lost almost every avenue of snooping!! LOL


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> LMAO at batsh*t crazy!! Did you say anything at all to her about changing her password or are you going to just let it slide? I might be inclinded to tell her that I dont intend on going on any cruise with her unless she becomes totally transparent! Those that have nothing to hide, hide nothing!!


Well to be honest I have not confronted her on it.

For my own sake, I am going thru kinda of like a MB plan A.
I am trying to meet her needs & being the best person I can be.

What I might do is actually confront her with all that I know at the end of the cruise....not sure how that would pan out though.

update:
She gets email notifications from her dating site, so that is how she knows when she has received a smile (flirt) or an email from a guy.

So far, her first internet access (after I went to bed of course) was to go to her dating site...I guess b/c she got an email notification.

She then looks at shoes....

Then from 3am to 6:45am....its streaming porn videos.
Its all gangbang/swinger/creampie....all on the same porn website.
This must have been her search criteria...not sure.

I wake up at 6:45...her activity stops.
I go to work at 7:45.

She then accesses her dating site again & looks at the profile of a guy that sent her an email.

She then accesses another dating site..Match.com (I forgot about this one). From there she looks at 3 profiles of men.
She either checks her own profile photos or the photos of the guys.

Then she googles some guy names Tanner Johnson...must be a model.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

What type of spyware do you have on her phone? I have been tempted to do that to my husbands phone but I get all nervous every time I even think about going near his phone. I guess part of it is fear of getting busted and the other is fear of finding out something else...UGH


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I bet some guy on one of the sites said he looked like Tanner Johnson..LOL


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## Shamwow (Aug 15, 2011)

Wow she is a big ball of horny, and is not interested in sharing that with you. How long do you think you need to "do the right thing" by her? I mean, knowing all that you know, at the very least her use of dating sites and porn are not helping you in any way.

You're roommates. She's taking care of herself to other men, habitually. Not sure if you've mentioned before - has there been sex since you moved back in, or has it been strictly roommates?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> Like I mentioned, I have a spyware on her phone.
> Around 2 am, I see that her first access to her phone was to go to the dating site & read an email message.
> Other than this, I can not tell if she responded or deleted the message, etc. All I can see is that she visited the email portion of the dating site. I know her user name & pw to the dating site. She has deleted all the messages that she has sent in the outbox.
> I don't know why though??





> Then the unusual part....from about 3:30 am till I wake up at 6:45 am....
> I see that she has visited an online streaming porn site.
> 
> The videos are about swingers/gangbang/creampie, etc.
> ...





jeff_r said:


> update:
> She gets email notifications from her dating site, so that is how she knows when she has received a smile (flirt) or an email from a guy.


Do you have any knowledge, any at all, on dealing with addictive personalities? Have you educated yourself, in any way at all, on co-dependency and enabling?

She gets a brain dopamine reward "hit" from engaging in this sort of behavior. THAT is why she does it. It is extremely pleasant. It's escapist, temporarily relieving anxiety, stress, and depression. Like all addicts (or in her case, compulsives) she isn't going to stop for you--or for ANY man. It is too much fun. That doesn't mean she isn't capable of loving someone (perhaps you). But she has zero interest in stopping because she finds it extremely rewarding. You, and any individual human being, isn't available 24/7. But the Internet is _always_ "on."

So are you planning on seeking professional help--or are you just waiting to prove to yourself that she really is so addicted to it she's never going to stop?

Don't you think drug addicts and alcoholics love the people around them, too? Love is not enough. Again, validation seekers are like blackholes, love pours and pours into them--but they voraciously consume it and come back hungry for more. Without professional help, they can never be satisfied by one human being--and perhaps not even then.

Addicts and compulsives (compulsive shopping and gambling are the best examples) have to hit "rock bottom." When their addictions are facilitated (by giving them smartphones) and enabled (by paying their bills) they will continue on their path indefinitely until they self-destruct. (For dating sites addicts, it may end, for example, by meeting up with someone who throttles them to death.) 

Your wife is nowhere near rock bottom; instead, she's making sure that wi-fi is available on your cruise. Hmm, maybe she can even meet up with some dating site buddies who just happen to show up there, too.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> What type of spyware do you have on her phone? I have been tempted to do that to my husbands phone but I get all nervous every time I even think about going near his phone. I guess part of it is fear of getting busted and the other is fear of finding out something else...UGH


I used eblaster for android. 
All the ones that I have found will only record text messages, web sites visited, gps, phone numbers, etc.

I need one that is an actual keylogger (records the keyboard) and one that forwards emails.

I do know that there is one that supposedly is a keylogger.
Kidlogger.....but I have not tried this yet. They have a free one...maybe I will try it on my phone first.

good luck.....you might not want to find out what you suspect.

Believe me, I was shocked beyond belief when I caught her back in July with her FB guy. 
Back then I knew her yahoo email PW....they were using yahoo messenger to converse with.  It records all the messages sent/received & I was able to read all of them.

I made a transcript of it all (2 months worth) & forwarded to her mom & brother. 
Her mom was upset at first but later dismissed it all....saying that her daughter & I are not meant for each other...that we never were meant for each other....

no duh....


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Do you have any knowledge, any at all, on dealing with addictive personalities? Have you educated yourself, in any way at all, on co-dependency and enabling?
> 
> She gets a brain dopamine reward "hit" from engaging in this sort of behavior. THAT is why she does it. It is extremely pleasant. It's escapist, temporarily relieving anxiety, stress, and depression. Like all addicts (or in her case, compulsives) she isn't going to stop for you--or for ANY man. It is too much fun. That doesn't mean she isn't capable of loving someone (perhaps you). But she has zero interest in stopping because she finds it extremely rewarding. You, and any individual human being, isn't available 24/7. But the Internet is _always_ "on."
> 
> ...


I have read some about codependency....I must admit that I fit the profile....

Unfortunately the smartphone & WiFi are both paid for my her.
When I left the house, I took the modem with me. When I returned back home 5 weeks later, she had a replacement WiFi...and she knows nothing about modems & the such.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Shamwow said:


> Wow she is a big ball of horny, and is not interested in sharing that with you. How long do you think you need to "do the right thing" by her? I mean, knowing all that you know, at the very least her use of dating sites and porn are not helping you in any way.
> 
> You're roommates. She's taking care of herself to other men, habitually. Not sure if you've mentioned before - has there been sex since you moved back in, or has it been strictly roommates?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Not sure if she is taking care of her self....she has had some obgyn issues for the past 6-7 weeks.

No intimacy since I have been home. Well once...
She was all for it at first....but seemed weird about it during.
Its almost as if she was scared of me...or scared of the fact that she was with me in that manner. I know one thing, to me she acted way different than she usually did during it.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

jeff_r said:


> I have read some about codependency....I must admit that I fit the profile....


I'm glad you see this--please don't take offense, but it's painfully obvious.

Apparently, you have people in your life--whether friends or family--who care a lot about you. They know you and her better than we on the forum ever will. They are telling you she is broken and you can't fix her.

We're telling you the same.

In that post of mine you just quoted, I talked about her need to "hit rock bottom" before she'd give up her addiction.

From what you're typing up, apparently YOU are also going to hit rock bottom. I'm going to stop posting in your thread unless 1. you say you are actually going to get professional help--even if it's all alone, like counseling for families of Internet addicts; or 2. you've moved out in order to emotionally detach.

Otherwise, like you, I'm just turning into _your_ enabler, as you read through our posts for proof and support that you can fix her, when everyone universally is saying you can't.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I'm glad you see this--please don't take offense, but it's painfully obvious.
> 
> Apparently, you have people in your life--whether friends or family--who care a lot about you. They know you and her better than we on the forum ever will. They are telling you she is broken and you can't fix her.
> 
> ...


I'm going to get some help with a codependency group.
I know I can't fix her.....

I've given her every opportunity to get help...
I've offered marriage counseling...she has yet to go...
I thought maybe her conscience might kick in too...when I moved back home, she did tell the guys on the dating site that she wouldnt talk to anyone since she & I are trying to work on things. She forgets to mention to any of them that the "things" we need to work on is the fact that she cheated in the first place.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By iheartlife
> Again, validation seekers are like blackholes, love pours and pours into them--but they voraciously consume it and come back hungry for more. Without professional help, they can never be satisfied by one human being--and perhaps not even then.
> 
> From what you're typing up, apparently YOU are also going to hit rock bottom. I'm going to stop posting in your thread unless 1. you say you are actually going to get professional help--even if it's all alone, like counseling for families of Internet addicts; or 2. you've moved out in order to emotionally detach.


Jeff
You got excellent advice by iheartlife and it was free. You may think that iheartlife’s post was hard but in fact it was strong kind of like tough love and you needed that.


IMO there is hope for YOU in that you are honest and will listen to good advice. You even said that you are going to follow through and get into a codependency group.

You need help from as many good sources as you can get; no shame in that because getting that help shows your sincerity and enough strength to admit that you need help. In other words it is a positive that you are taking proper actions.

Remember you are headed for rock bottom so concentrate on improving you so that you do not go into depression. You will be no good to anyone then. Do not spend too much time on your wife at the expense of building yourself up. A weak person cannot help a person that is in addiction. By you taking the right actions you can weather this storm and be a better person with or without your wife.

You will be tempted to compromise but remember you are in a fight for your emotional well being.


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## jeff_r (Aug 17, 2012)

Mr Blunt said:


> Jeff
> You got excellent advice by iheartlife and it was free. You may think that iheartlife’s post was hard but in fact it was strong kind of like tough love and you needed that.
> 
> 
> ...


I completely am thankful for all the advice...I understand where you guys are coming from. I've already been thru one round of this already.

When I walked out back in July 15th, I thought I could handle it.
Then over the course of the next few weeks, I fell into a depression. I lost 20 lbs in 4 weeks...was living in a hotel & paid the mortgage. (We had a deal pre-affair, that I would pay the mortgage & she paid all the utilities/groceries.)

When the mortgage was due the next time, I told her that she was responsible for it, since she was living in our house.

I guess paying for the mortgage by herself was tough. So she contacted me saying that should move back home & we could live as roommates. We could split the mortgage until we sold the house.

Since that time, she has told me that she loves me several times & that she wanted to put what happened behind us & move on with our lives.

Who knows what she is really thinking...maybe she is fooling herself into some sort of fantasy that everything will be ok as long as we don't talk about what happened....

Right now, her actions prove to me that she is deceitful...that she lies by omission...is still a cheater...etc.
I am highly suspicious of anything that she does or proposes.

Part of me cares about her & wants her to take responsibility for what she did....
Part of me also hates her...and wishes she gets humiliated from exposing to everyone she knows.

I have a house mortgage that I am trying to take care of by selling it.
The market is not going to get any better months down the road, so my best bet is to sell the house.
But I am not going to take the entire loss on it. Her name is on the mortgage as well.

I hired a property appraiser & he said that we might owe btwn 30 to 40 k on it if we sell it.
I can handle half of that...I know that she can not...but her parents will have to help...which they should....thats what they get for betraying me as well.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

As soon as she gets her health problems taken care of and the traveling nurse job come through she will be gone.

She is still cheating by maintaining contact with the OM and hiding everything from you. She is not remorseful and does not care about you at all. Everything she has done so far has been to benefit her - not you.

Get yourself into IC. Learn to be happy with yourself. Do not let the fear of being alone for a time paralyze you into taking zero action. Yes it will take some time to recover from the trauma she has caused but you can do it. You will be happier without her and the stress she brings with her.

File the divorce papers.


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