# Should I be worried?



## munchie (May 17, 2011)

Sorry ... I already posted this to the General forum but someone suggested I post it to the CWI forum instead.

First, some background. I've been married for 23 years. My husband had an affair in 2011 with one of his clients and I was completely blindsided. The affair lasted for about 5 months until I 'accidentally' found out about it. Although I honestly think the physical part of the affair has been over for a long time - the OW and my husband continue to keep in touch, much to my dismay and protestations. He gave her work for about 1-1/2 years despite my insistence that he cut the cord with her, because he felt guilty and responsible that she got fired from her job. (Due to careless email threads, her co-worker found out and reported that OW had violated a compliance clause in her employment contract). But I've also discovered that phone calls and texting continue to go on between my H and OW. While he claims they were for business purposes, I saw that he texted her on Christmas Eve at 11pm while we were visiting family and as recently as Valentine's Day (from the men's room at 10pm while we were out with friends). There are also texts from her at 11:20 at night and 7:10 in the morning. (I discovered them when I reviewed his cell phone bill online). When I bring these things up to him - he gets defensive and angry with me because he insists that NOTHING is going on, that they are just friends (WHY??) and that he can't live under this cloud of suspicion all the time. 

I'm very good on the computer and will often 'hack' into his laptop to 'snoop around.' Yes, I know I shouldn't -- but I feel like he's not being honest with me and inevitably -- I end up finding something that proves my suspicions. Although he tells me that he loves me, is committed to our marriage and our family - I recently read something that he wrote to a (female) friend saying that he _"he feels like a fraud because he can't imagine staying in the marriage once our youngest child goes off to college in 2015."_ When I say to him _"I don't think you're happy -- maybe we should think about separating for a while"_ - he says that he doesn't want to separate, he's committed to our family (blah,blah, blah) and that we're good together. WTH??!!

Now for the *real* dilemma. A few months ago, a woman started working for him (my husband owns the company) in a sales capacity and he often remarks about how great she is as a worker and how she's brought a new energy to the office. A few times I've said to him _"I don't need to worry about you and _____starting anything, do I?"_ And of course, he proclaims that I have no need to worry because he's not interested in her, that he loves me, blah, blah, blah. He has an annual two-day trade show coming up tomorrow (about three hours away) which he reminded me about a few weeks ago. Although I knew about the show, I didn't know any of the logistics (when he was leaving for it, where he was staying, etc.). Last night I asked him if he was staying overnight with his sister (who lives about an hour away from where the trade show is) and he said 'No, I'm staying in a hotel near the trade show. I'm driving up with ____(the woman from the office) and my sister, brother-in-law, and aunt are coming to meet us for dinner." WHAATT?? Why is this the first time I'm hearing about this?

I was annoyed that he wasn't forthcoming a few days earlier about what his plan was ... and had I not asked ... he probably wouldn't have given me the information until after it happened. Ironically, he's in the communications business - but he's the worst communicator when it comes to telling ME things. So, when I got somewhat uncomfortable about the plan - he immediately got defensive and said _"Fine ... I'll tell (woman from office) she can't come. I'll figure it out. But she wants to take over this part of the business and it would really make sense for her to be there. Do you want to come too? You can if you want."_ Gee ... thanks for the advance invitation. I work so I can't go. About 20 minutes after our conversation, he started acting distant and when I asked him what was wrong - he said he was "depressed" that I won't let up on the constant scrutiny. And when I tell him that he doesn't really do or say anything to make me feel more secure about everything - he says _"I told you I love you and I'm not interested in her. What else do you want me to do or say?"_ 

Am I being naive? Given his past history, do I have cause for concern? On a lot of levels, we have a good marriage. We get along well, have fun together, love each other, do a lot of things with out kids, etc. Ironically, *I'm* the one who has to live under the constant veil of his honesty (or lack thereof), but he always makes himself out to be the victim. Am I wrong to always question things? I have to keep my eyes wide open and I feel like he's not always being upfront with me. Am I over-reacting? Should I just trust him and hope for the best? Any advise?


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Welcome to the world of infidelity...

-sammy


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

He can't be friends with the woman he screwed around on you with...EVER!!!

Did you confront him on the email that he sent that woman that he plans on leaving when the kid goes off to college? 

Why do you feel bad about having to investigate your cheating husbands activity? It is his fault. He put you in this position. He has proven untrustworthy and as long as he wants to be in a marriage with you, full transparency is a must. Him getting defensive only proves he is still untrustworthy. 

Under NO circumstances is he to have any contact with another woman unless it is strictly business in his company office. He doesn't take another woman on business trips with him. 

You need to lay down the law with this guy. He needs to understand that had he not cheated and continue to stay in contact with the OW, your lives would be very different. He only has himself to blame. 

Stop letting him gaslight you and if he talks to the OW again, I would tell him you want a divorce. No f'cking way should you have to put up with that.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

munchie,

It's not unusual for a spouse who's been married a long time to come here looking for advice. It seems to me, that in many cases when the long married BS is a woman, they have difficulty accepting that advice. Not trying to be sexist in any way, but that's how I've often seen it play out.

You may not like what you're going to hear, but here it is.

I'm not saying you shouldn't worry about this new woman. But it should be unacceptable for him to have any contact with the prior OW. The fact that you've allowed this for so many years, is what leads me to believe that you'll be reticent to put your foot down now, but that's what you need to do.

And if he fails to end contact, you have to be willing to end your marriage. Simply put, but not so easy to do, I understand.

The same applies to his transparency and him avoiding situations with other women that you aren't comfortable with. He's the one that made that bed a long time ago. There's no expiration date on his accountability to you, after what he did.

There's little need to continue to monitor him, if he continues to contact the OW. I'm quite sure at this point, he's not too concerned about what you might do. 

You have the ability to change that, if you're willing to.


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## munchie (May 17, 2011)

Thanks everyone. I KNOW that it's unacceptable that he kept in touch with the OW. When I confront him about this -- he says that he's a compassionate person and he can't live with himself knowing that 'he ruined her life.' (Like she had nothing to do with it!). And he insists that the fact that he's 'still here' (in our marriage) should prove to me that he's not involved with her anymore or interested in a relationship with her. I should mention that he's a PR/Communications exec and really knows how to 'spin' things. 

He's the type of person who doesn't know where the boundaries should be drawn. I know that he's had relationships over the years with female clients where they've shared details about their relationships/sex lives. When I told him that it's inappropriate, he says that 'people like him and they feel they can tell him things - and that's _"it's no big deal, but if I want him to stop, he will." _ Of course, I don't believe him and he probably continues to have those types of relationships. Such bull****, right? 

The worst part is that we go for periods of time where things 'seem' to be copacetic. We're getting along well, we're having fun together, he's very affectionate and loving, generous, caring, etc. Then we have an incident like we had last night and it puts him into this very deep funk - where he gets all depressed and moody. And the more I try to talk about it with him - the more distant he becomes. I'm the bad guy because I just won't leave it alone. I guess I have a flaw that I can't seem to forget things.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

munchie said:


> Am I being naive?


Yes.
My advice is to take the red pill and live your live into reality rather than in denial.
He's likely a serial cheater who shows no respect to you by still having contact with his affair partner, is stringing you along while eating his cake(s) on the side and planning to leave you when it suits him.

Unless staying here as a convenience marriage also suits you I'd talk to a lawyer like yesterday and live the life YOU want to live instead the one HE wants to live. 
If you plan to stay I'd use safe sex and schedule regular STDs test anyway.

I'm sorry friend.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

munchie said:


> Thanks everyone. I KNOW that it's unacceptable that he kept in touch with the OW. When I confront him about this -- he says that he's a compassionate person and he can't live with himself knowing that 'he ruined her life.' (Like she had nothing to do with it!). And he insists that the fact that he's 'still here' (in our marriage) should prove to me that he's not involved with her anymore or interested in a relationship with her. I should mention that he's a PR/Communications exec and really knows how to 'spin' things.
> 
> He's the type of person who doesn't know where the boundaries should be drawn. I know that he's had relationships over the years with female clients where they've shared details about their relationships/sex lives. When I told him that it's inappropriate, he says that 'people like him and they feel they can tell him things - and that's _"it's no big deal, but if I want him to stop, he will." _ Of course, I don't believe him and he probably continues to have those types of relationships. Such bull****, right?
> 
> The worst part is that we go for periods of time where things 'seem' to be copacetic. We're getting along well, we're having fun together, he's very affectionate and loving, generous, caring, etc. Then we have an incident like we had last night and it puts him into this very deep funk - where he gets all depressed and moody. And the more I try to talk about it with him - the more distant he becomes. I'm the bad guy because I just won't leave it alone. I guess I have a flaw that I can't seem to forget things.


He's a major gaslighter, a professional manipulator. Deep down you have his number but still try to sugarcoat this. I understand it.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

The affair lasted 5 months "that you know about". He had no plans on ending it, only because you found out. But the fact that he still contacts his AP to this day says that there is a high probability that the affair NEVER ended.

Now you are having bad feelings about ANOTHER woman he works with.

Do you work outside the home or are you a SAHM ? Do you have kids ?

Was your WH still having sex with you during his A ? If yes, you should get tested for STDs.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

munchie said:


> When I confront him about this -- he says that he's a compassionate person and he can't live with himself knowing that 'he ruined her life.' (Like she had nothing to do with it!). And he insists that the fact that he's 'still here' (in our marriage) should prove to me that he's not involved with her anymore or interested in a relationship with her.


That my dear, is complete and utter bull excrement.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Things seem fine for awhile because you go along with his BS...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Wow, does he ever have the wool pulled over your eyes!!!

You need this book STAT

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

And you need to read up on the 180 and do it.

So far you are letting him get away with what he's doing because you're afraid of ending the marriage. This will not work in the long run, unless you want to just live this way for the rest of your life. Unless you are willing to end it, your marriage is over. Sounds backwards, but that's the way it is, because only being willing to end it will give you the leverage to make your husband realize that you are dead serious about what he has to do here. And what he has to do is:
- End ALL contact with the woman he cheated with
- take you with him to the trade show and on every business trip he goes on
- give you all the passwords to all his electronic gadgets and emails and bank accounts, and do so WILLINGLY and with no chance to delete everything before you look at it
- read the book referenced above
- do some reading up on what exactly a BS feels like, and start truly making amends to you

These things would be a good start, and if I were in your situation would all be dealbreakers for me.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You should not be worried. You should be furious! HE should be worried!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Call his bluff... Take him up on his offer to go to the show with him.

The big issue is he needs to go cold turkey on the OW and never contact her again, no if ands or butts. This had to stop now. 

The new coworker is a sticky situation. Coworkers often need to travel together, and coworkers can be male or female. Red flag to me (1) this is a trade show he went solo to prior years, now she is coming? (2) prior years he stayed with family, now he is staying at hotel? 

Keep radar up. 

Finally, and I cannot stress this enough for everyone reading. NEVER EVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR SNOOPING!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> NEVER EVER EVER FEEL GUILTY FOR SNOOPING!!!


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Your husband is cheating on you, BIG TIME. 

Sorry, his behavior is very familiar. 

Your biggest mistake is confronting him and talking to him. He is lying to you and you know it. Why do you keep asking him questions you already know the answers to? By doing this, you appear very weak and he is using your weakness and insecurities to 
His advantage. 

Right now, you are taking care of everyone's needs at home. Kids are fed, dinner is made......., while he is doing whatever he wants. My husband did this to me for at least eight years and probably longer. 

Stop communicating with your husband. I know it's hard but your old happy marriage is over. Talk to a lawyer to find out your options. 

Do you work?

How old are your children?

People will tell you to file for divorce to let him know you mean business. You don't have to follow through with it if he straightens up and gets counseling but I don't see him as changing. Serial cheaters don't usually change. 

People here can help you but ultimately, it's your life and marriage so you will have to make your own decisions. 

Your husband sounds like a jerk and if he is romping around his office, I'm sure his co-workers think he's a jerk too. You are being disrespected at the highest level and no one deserves that. 

Remember, EVERYTHING that is coming out of his mouth right now is a lie. He is a professional and they can be very good. Don't be fooled.


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## lisab0105 (Oct 26, 2011)

munchie said:


> Thanks everyone. I KNOW that it's unacceptable that he kept in touch with the OW. When I confront him about this -- he says that he's a compassionate person and he can't live with himself knowing that 'he ruined her life.' (Like she had nothing to do with it!). And he insists that the fact that he's 'still here' (in our marriage) should prove to me that he's not involved with her anymore or interested in a relationship with her. I should mention that he's a PR/Communications exec and really knows how to 'spin' things.
> 
> He's the type of person who doesn't know where the boundaries should be drawn. I know that he's had relationships over the years with female clients where they've shared details about their relationships/sex lives. When I told him that it's inappropriate, he says that 'people like him and they feel they can tell him things - and that's _"it's no big deal, but if I want him to stop, he will." _ Of course, I don't believe him and he probably continues to have those types of relationships. Such bull****, right?
> 
> The worst part is that we go for periods of time where things 'seem' to be copacetic. We're getting along well, we're having fun together, he's very affectionate and loving, generous, caring, etc. Then we have an incident like we had last night and it puts him into this very deep funk - where he gets all depressed and moody. And the more I try to talk about it with him - the more distant he becomes. I'm the bad guy because I just won't leave it alone. I guess I have a flaw that I can't seem to forget things.


Where is the compassion for ruining your marriage? Where was the compassion for YOU while he was rutting with the wh*re like animals???


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## Fenix (Jul 2, 2013)

Acabado said:


> He's a major gaslighter, a professional manipulator. Deep down you have his number but still try to sugarcoat this. I understand it.



Exactly. I agree with everything that Acabado has written, Munchie. Sorry about that. You have a choice to make.


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## thebadguy (Dec 7, 2012)

It is my opinion that he is a serial cheater and that you don't know the half of it. His line of work and his behavior suggest it to me.

Improve yourself (for you). Exercise. Rebuild interests you had but have let go "for the marriage". Get a spa treatment (every week). Get a new expensive hair do that a 25 y/o would have. Get new shoes and sexier clothes. Get closer to YOUR friends. Become the happiest, healthiest you that you can be. Do not do that for him. Do it for you. 

Set your boundaries and let him know the consequences of crossing those boundaries. For example, if he stays in contact with the OW (the one you know about for sure), then you will file for divorce. Of course you have to mean it.

Alternately, set one giant generic boundary...develop a marriage contract. You have the standard one now, which does nothing for you. Create a new one with a lawyer and ask him to sign it. I am thinking a post-nuptial agreement that gives you whatever financial benefits YOU think are fair should you ever divorce (you get the house, the car, 55% of the investment portfolio, 55% of the cash and savings, he pays for 100% of college up to 6 years...whatever YOU think is right). Maybe have an infidelity clause that gives you an extra payment or extra 5% for whatever duration. Let him know this is what you need to feel secure in the marriage. I think be selfish with this. But say somewhere that neither of you will initiate divorce for some period of time w/o proof of infidelity or abusive behavior.

You could go the standard route that everybody here suggests, hard 180 and file for divorce now but I think you are not going to divorce him anytime soon, so at least set yourself up to have a safety net and give him some legit, documented consequences.


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## munchie (May 17, 2011)

I agree with EVERYTHING everyone is saying. And I know that I'm not doing myself any favors by listening to his prolific excuses for his actions. And I DID read the book by Shirley Glass. And I DO say many of the things to him that people are suggesting in their posts.

I know that he doesn't want to break up our family -- which is the real reason he's staying (for the time being) and not because he's so in love with me (which he claims to be). 

He justified the affair in 2011 because he said he felt isolated, unwanted and unloved. But we have different ways that we show love to each other and that's part of the problem. My ways of showing him love weren't necessarily 'received as love' by him. I internalized my anger over things I wasn't happy about (plus it's hard to argue/fight with him - he's definitely a bully in those situations) and it manifested into a few years of emotional distance between us. So according to his whacked out thinking - he was justified in seeking comfort elsewhere - because I wasn't interested (according to him) in giving him what he needed. This is a load of crock ... but I'm just tired of arguing with him about it continually.

But I thought we were working on making our marriage better and I certainly felt like it was (getting better). Perh aps he doesn't feel the same way. Our kids are 21, 19 and 17. I have one left at home and she leaves for college in Sept 2015. And I think after that - he'll decided to leave, even though I'm giving him the option to do it now.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you bother to argue with him?

If I were you I would file for D now and beat him to it. 

Has HE read the book??


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Muncie, it's over, you know it, he knows it, the OW knows it, hell your kids probably know it. You know it's going to explode when your last child leaves home, so why wait? Get your ducks in a row, contact an attorney, and work out a possible settlement. Then confront him with your intentions and file for divorce. Beat him to the punch. Then he can go off and spend time with these other women (I'm including the new employee) and not have to be concerned about your reaction. If you think that there may be physical confrontation from him (I refer to your "bullying" comment earlier) when the axe falls, make arrangements to be with family members, a good friend, or in your lawyer's office, when you tell him. Good luck in your future.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> You should not be worried. You should be furious! HE should be worried!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

he's manipulated you for too long.
after his A he should have been doing everything under the sun to make you feel loved and secure, not ignoring your requests for NC with the OW.

i think it's time to see a lawyer and call his bluff. and i would be biting at the bit to tell him you read what he wrote about only staying around till 2015. tell him you don't need his cheating ass around till then and to move the fvck on.

he's acting like a real jerk. poor guy. wants to carry on and have his wife not ask any questions then act like a baby when you do. you don't need that.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

munchie said:


> I agree with EVERYTHING everyone is saying. And I know that I'm not doing myself any favors by listening to his prolific excuses for his actions. And I DID read the book by Shirley Glass. And I DO say many of the things to him that people are suggesting in their posts.
> 
> I know that he doesn't want to break up our family -- which is the real reason he's staying (for the time being) and not because he's so in love with me (which he claims to be).
> 
> ...


Well, fall of 2015 is only a year and a half away. If I were you, I would simply take him up on that. In the meantime, do the 180 hard. Do this to detach. That way, in 18 months you will be completely ready to divorce, with no lingering attachment.

At least you have a timeline. And you have plenty of time to detach from your husband emotionally before it's time to do it physically. That's what I would do. You've been dealing with this for 3 years already - what's another 18 months.

Oh, and don't tell him you are doing this. Just do the 180 with no explanation. Go out with friends, do stuff with your kids without him. Go to the gym and up your sex rank for the next guy. You'll feel better.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Usually, in a lot of cases, we recommend a polygraph to see if the WS is lyi ng about something. 

I think you need to find out if he is planning on dumping you when the kids are gone. How do you feel about that? If you would want to find another husband, the odds of doing that plummet as you get older.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Just to be clear. "The next guy" wasn't meant to be "next husband". Just "next guy in your life".


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Munchie,
You should encourage folks to read your prior threads. For those who are not so inclined. 

Quick synopsis:
- It was a long term low sex/ and then sexless marriage (you rejecting him)
- Your H met your core needs and you were happy
- He complained intensely once a month or so for most of the marriage about feeling sexually neglected but other than that he treated you great and took you on nice vacations 
- After *over a decade* of this, he finally got increasingly aggressive with you about the sexless issue 
- You ignored him 
- He then told you that your sex life might be over, but his wasn't 
- You even ignored that 
- You now depict this as 'emotional distance'. No way. You were happy. You weren't asking for counseling. *You didn't want to be pestered for sex nor did you want to do the work needed to create a sexually compatible marriage.*
- He had an affair (which you didn't even notice - because *apparently there was nothing unusual about going 4 straight months without sex)*
- When you discovered the affair, you were angry, scared and also very guilty for having neglected him so egregiously for most of the marriage
- You went into hysterical bonding mode (sex 4 times a week)
- You came to TAM for a short time 
- You disappeared from TAM

At the time I told you that your 'desire' issues with him were valid. And that you needed to gently and patiently teach him to do what you needed for sex to be mutually enjoyable. What you needed both inside and outside the bedroom in order for it to become a core part of your marriage. 

It was pretty obvious that he didn't understand your turn offs/turn ons. 

And equally obvious that you would transition pretty quickly from:
- Hysterical bonding sex (very frequent) to
- Less frequent 
- Less frequent and less engaged (pity sex)

I was guessing this wouldn't fly with him. He had experienced real passion for a while and knew what that was. And now would know what it wasn't. AND he would be stuck with am emotional paradox that I repeatedly warned you about:
- When He was nothing but nice - his needs were totally dismissed 
- When He cheated, He got sexually saturated 

So I suggested that you stop pretending this was all one big miscommunication. There was no miscommunication. He somehow created a situation where sex was - arduous for you. So you froze him out of bed. He whined but did nothing that impacted you for 20 years, so you felt safe. Pretty common stuff. 

The entire basis for his affair and your attempts to fix your marriage was this massive sexual disconnect. First you starved him. And repeatedly dismissed him when he told you how hurtful that was. And then you drowned him in sex. But I wonder if you actually attempted to create a marriage where YOU wanted that type of physical intimacy. Seems like you would have mentioned that in a post. 

Instead you have carefully avoided any direct mention of it in your thread today. The closest you got was to make a dismissive comment about how you and he provide and experience love to each other. 

It sounds like he is now doing to you, what you are doing to him. 
- You are largely dismissive of his emotional need for physical intimacy
- And he is largely dismissive of your emotional need to feel safe and secure

So you can keep rewriting history, and play the victim. Or you can be brutally honest in an effort to try to be the wife he wants to stay with. You just cannot do both. 

If you don't love him enough to tell him the truth and deal with the pain of doing so, you ought let him go. Tick tock.....




munchie said:


> I agree with EVERYTHING everyone is saying. And I know that I'm not doing myself any favors by listening to his prolific excuses for his actions. And I DID read the book by Shirley Glass. And I DO say many of the things to him that people are suggesting in their posts.
> 
> I know that he doesn't want to break up our family -- which is the real reason he's staying (for the time being) and not because he's so in love with me (which he claims to be).
> 
> ...







munchie said:


> Sorry ... I already posted this to the General forum but someone suggested I post it to the CWI forum instead.
> 
> First, some background. I've been married for 23 years. My husband had an affair in 2011 with one of his clients and I was completely blindsided. The affair lasted for about 5 months until I 'accidentally' found out about it. Although I honestly think the physical part of the affair has been over for a long time - the OW and my husband continue to keep in touch, much to my dismay and protestations. He gave her work for about 1-1/2 years despite my insistence that he cut the cord with her, because he felt guilty and responsible that she got fired from her job. (Due to careless email threads, her co-worker found out and reported that OW had violated a compliance clause in her employment contract). But I've also discovered that phone calls and texting continue to go on between my H and OW. While he claims they were for business purposes, I saw that he texted her on Christmas Eve at 11pm while we were visiting family and as recently as Valentine's Day (from the men's room at 10pm while we were out with friends). There are also texts from her at 11:20 at night and 7:10 in the morning. (I discovered them when I reviewed his cell phone bill online). When I bring these things up to him - he gets defensive and angry with me because he insists that NOTHING is going on, that they are just friends (WHY??) and that he can't live under this cloud of suspicion all the time.
> 
> ...


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

> "he feels like a fraud because he can't imagine staying in the marriage once our youngest child goes off to college in 2015."


Munchie

He has lied to you.
He has cheated on you.
He still lies to you.

But it all can stop when you say it stops.

Because the only thing worse than being lied to is living a lie.

Your H is a coward and continues to be one.

Stop letting him.

HM


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

thummper said:


> Muncie, it's over, you know it, he knows it, the OW knows it, hell your kids probably know it. You know it's going to explode when your last child leaves home, so why wait? G


I completely and utterly agree with this. I have a walk away wife who I believe started planning an exit long before she met her AP. Then she found someone that no one in their right mind could ever ever have imagined that she would be with. I tried and tried and my marriage just died and died. After she ran away with him and then returned (they are living together in hotels until he leaves the country). She admitted to me that her original plan was to try and stay married to me for two more years until our youngest went to college. But the last time I Caught she claims she ran because she was afraid to come home. Total BS, She used this as an excuse for an early exit. If you don't want to go through the pain I am in I would suggest you get the upper hand and you file for divorce right now!


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Hi Munchie. I'm a fellow BW and I'm really, really sorry you're here 



> Then we have an incident like we had last night and it puts him into this very deep funk - where he gets all depressed and moody. And the more I try to talk about it with him - the more distant he becomes.


You realize this is an example of him deliberately punishing you, right? You try to hold him accountable, he goes dark on you until you've given up for a while. He's trying to get you to give up for good and let him do whatever he wants.



munchie said:


> I know that I'm not doing myself any favors by listening to his prolific excuses for his actions.


So stop. Tune out the words and watch the actions.



> He justified the affair in 2011 because he said he felt isolated, unwanted and unloved.


How loved and wanted do you feel right now?



> But I thought we were working on making our marriage better and I certainly felt like it was (getting better). Perh aps he doesn't feel the same way. Our kids are 21, 19 and 17. I have one left at home and she leaves for college in Sept 2015. And I think after that - he'll decided to leave, even though I'm giving him the option to do it now.


Why does he get all the options and choices? What do you choose for this marriage and for yourself?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

DHP,
These are two folks who have inflicted grievous emotional harm on one another. It's easy to see Munchie as the victim. She and her H are both victims. 



dignityhonorpride said:


> Hi Munchie. I'm a fellow BW and I'm really, really sorry you're here
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey munchies---are your H's eyes brown, cuz he is so full of sh*t

You are letting him manipulate/deceive/and lie to you time and again

Tis time for you to take control and decide your own future path---right now you are letting your H, decide

You have a major weapon---that of threat of D/D----use it----your H, stands to give you half of everything, or more in a D proceeding----make it very plain to him---either the associations with ALL OTHER WOMEN, stop IMMEDIATELY, or he is looking at a D---and that means giving you half of the business you both own, as in COMMUNITY PROPERTY


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