# Merry... Ch... Bah humbug!



## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

My husband and I have been married for a whole year and together for three in total. 
He has three daughters with two different women. 
I am raising the youngest daughter as her BM abandoned her at the age of 1.

My brother passed away in July 2017... I found out in October 2018 I was pregnant with my little Miracle, one whom I was told I'd never be able to have... Got married in that same month... 

Fast forward to this year things have not been so great... 

I feel like I am losing myself, losing my sanity etc...

I want to spend holidays at home with our children and each other... he only gets his oldest 2 for a certain amount of time where the holidays are shared... 
My family get-togethers have not been the same since my brother passed away..

Today I was cussed at and called so many ugly names because I told my husband I needed to be home for the holidays and start making our own traditions for our children to make happy memories...

I have been put down and belittled for it...

Guys... am I wrong to want to be home this year?
I feel like with him having 4 children he would only want to do the same..

but instead, he wants to spend it with people that I personally don't even like to be in a room with longer than necessary...

I bite my tongue and set aside my pride when I have to... but I just feel like Christmas and Thanksgiving etc... should be happy times for the children... 

Should I stand my ground and make traditions for my son and adopted daughter or should i give into Husbands requests?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> but instead, he wants to spend it with people that I personally don't even like to be in a room with longer than necessary...


It would help to know who the people are who he wants to spend it with. Are they his family? Friend?



talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Should I stand my ground and make traditions for my son and adopted daughter or should i give into Husbands requests?


Did you legally adopt his daughter? Just wondering.

Is there a compromise that might work?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> It would help to know who the people are who he wants to spend it with. Are they his family? Friend?
> 
> 
> 
> ...



The family... he wants to go spend it with his mother, aunt uncle and sister grandparents etc...

yes I legally adopted the youngest daughter

Not really sure about a compromise... we only get the girls on Christmas eve the oldest and have to have them back Christmas day...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> The family... he wants to go spend it with his mother, aunt uncle and sister grandparents etc...
> 
> yes I legally adopted the youngest daughter
> 
> Not really sure about a compromise... we only get the girls on Christmas eve the oldest and have to have them back Christmas day...


This type of situation is always hard. Does he want to be with his family on both Christmas Even and Christmas day?

A compromise might be to spend some time as a family on Christmas Eve & Christmas day until the two daughters go back to their mother. Then drop in to see his family later. 

Or one holiday is with his family and one is just you, him and the children. Alternate days or alternate years.

It's really hard when someone does not like their in-laws, I get it. But I can also understand him wanting to be with extended family. 

Do both of you have friends who do you do things with? (not just the holidays, but other times during the year?)


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> It's really hard when someone does not like their in-laws, I get it. But I can also understand him wanting to be with extended family.
> 
> Do both of you have friends who do you do things with? (not just the holidays, but other times during the year?)


I don't want to stay home this year because I don't like my in-laws... I want to stay home this year because I feel like it is time to start family traditions at home and start making happy memories for our children. How can they enjoy going 3 and 4 different places every year?
We would never have time to breathe my son is only 6 months old... and it is so cold here this time of year.

I don't want to go to my families either and they are all totally supportive and understanding about that.

No no mutual friends or anything like that... my husband is very anti-social
goes to work comes home that's it.

I have friends that i go out with occasionally from work but not lately because of the new baby.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I don't want to stay home this year because I don't like my in-laws... I want to stay home this year because I feel like it is time to start family traditions at home and start making happy memories for our children. How can they enjoy going 3 and 4 different places every year?
> 
> We would never have time to breathe my son is only 6 months old... and it is so cold here this time of year.
> 
> ...


I don't know what 3 or 4 places you are talking about. You only mentioned your in-laws. Are you says that your husband wants to go to each of their homes? I guess I was thinking that they would all be at one place. That's what my family used to do. Each year we'd all get together at one place. If it's 3 or 4 different houses, then it could be a bit hard with several children.

Have you done this in the past, taking the 3 girls with you?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Stand your ground!


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

No Ele if we went to family like he wants to we would have to go to my grandparents house, his moms house, his grandparents house and then his dads house...

in the past when it was just his three girls we went all places... now that we have 4 children and limited time with the oldest two things have changed for me... 

I just don't understand why he cant spend the other 364 days a year with his family maybe im being a bit drastic but i feel like the holidays should be happy times... 

I don't expect him to go spend time with my family... he married me not them. lol


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Today I was cussed at and called so many ugly names because I told my husband I needed to be home for the holidays and start making our own traditions for our children to make happy memories...
> 
> I have been put down and belittled for it...


The above is what bothers me the most. It's not unusual for a couple to have different points of view and want to do different things. You two should be able to discuss it like adults. 

But him cussing at you, calling you names, putting you down.... that's not acceptable at all. Does he act like this very often?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Does he usually react this way? Is this how he speaks to you on a day to day basis? Cause I'd find it hard to believe this is first time he's been verbally abusive.

In my opinion, you have a much bigger problem than sorting out Christmas traditions.



talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Today *I was cussed at and called so many ugly names* because I told my husband I needed to be home for the holidays and start making our own traditions for our children to make happy memories...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> No Ele if we went to family like he wants to we would have to go to my grandparents house, his moms house, his grandparents house and then his dads house...
> 
> in the past when it was just his three girls we went all places... now that we have 4 children and limited time with the oldest two things have changed for me...
> 
> ...


I don't think that either of you are right are wrong. I get you wanting to stay home and start some family traditions. But I also get his wanting to be with extended family... that's a type of family tradition too. My bet is that your children would love either.

The issue is that you two cannot come to a compromise without some ugly words and mistreatment going on. 

Are you more tired than you used to be now that you have had a baby? It sounds like you might be and that might be driving the way you feel about going to 3 or 4 places in one day. That really is a lot.

A compromise might be something like you all stay home on Christmas, but during the holiday week you visit other family. Maybe one of them every day or so.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Yes every one... i am called names on a daily basis over the slightest of things. I know I am not perfect, but I don't think anyone deserves that. It has took a tole on me mentally.

I was willing to compromise Ele... i told him that we could go see the families a couple days before... things like that and he flipped out on me and said no that we had to all go on christmas eve and christmas day and as I said we don't have all 4 of them on both days just on christmas eve...

i was willing to go to the families houses on christmas day... but he wants all the kids together at his families house instead of at our house... i don't feel that way.

and his mom and family are really snide with their comments... if the other two children dont show up its always...

""well im not taking a family photo!!! they arent all here!"" or its not the same without everyone here... etc

i cant handle that its not my fault they didn't teach him how to use birth control and that his kids are in split homes..

i just want to give them a christmas with their brother and sisters all together... shouldn't me and the kids be more important than our extended families???


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, you and your children should be more important than extended family. He, however, might think that extended family is extremely important for all the children. Like I said, I don't think either of you is right or wrong.

The big concern here is the way he's treating you. And you almost seem to brush it aside. Your husband is emotionally abusive of you. Does he treat the children this way too?

Does he ever do things like bang on things like furniture or the wall in anger? Does he throw things when he's angry? Has he ever hit you? pushed you? grabbed you in anger?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.

but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.

I think I rushed into marriage with hopes and dreams to be loved and for the family id always wanted. 

he put his hands on me after my brother died in 2017, but i did get a little out of hand I wanted to go to the grave yard by myself to visit with my brothers burial site... 
i pushed him because he demanded to go with me and took my keys from me... 

I was choked and in the days to follow he put his hands on me again... my other brother found out and came to my rescue... since the day my brother and him met up.. hes not put hands on me but he mentally hurts me now instead.

i get threatened a lot but there is no action behind it

just all words... names... it all hurts me emotionally.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.
> 
> but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.
> 
> ...


Now that you know that he will use violence, he does not need to use is it much to control you. All he needs to do is be verbally abusive. That's how domestic violence works.

Look up the term "cycle of abuse". That's what you are living with. 

Your issues are much bigger than how you will be spending Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. Do you think that he will just escalate if you push what you want to do? It sounds like he might very well. To be honest, under the circumstances, since it's only a week away, you might be best to just do as he wants. 

In the mean time, please get some help with this. Find an organization near you that helps victims of abuse. Get into counseling with them. They can help you figure out what you need to do.

Have you ever brought up the two of you going to counseling together? 

Have you considered leaving him?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I need to get some sleep now... it's 2:23 am here. I'll check back with you later after some shuteye.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The holidays...

They can bring bad feelings to bear.

That festive anticipation often brings along old anguish.

Good cheer mauled by that grizzled and woken bear.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The holidays for you are the side show with respect to your marital woes.

Both you and your husband need counseling.

And quick.

Else, separation and divorce looms large.

Your marriage is not a pot ready to boil over, no, it is a pot water-less, one steamed, nearly out.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.
> 
> but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.
> 
> ...


 And you think your *biggest* problem with this vile, opportunistic POS is that he's forcing you to go visiting on Christmas to various family members? I say "opportunistic" because I believe he needed *someone* to raise his kid for him when her bio mom was no longer an option - and god knows _he_ wasn't going to do it. And there you were, all eager and anxious to do it *for* him. So yeah, he's an opportunistic, abusive POS.

Your biggest problem isn't a difference of opinion regarding Christmas visiting arrangements. Your biggest problem is your inability to stop clinging to your abuser.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Your husband is abusive. The longer you stay married the worse it will get. My advice is to seek out a lawyer and find out what steps you need to do to get free of him. 

I'm sorry. Christmas and holidays are not your problem. Your abusive situation is your problem. 

I wish you luck.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I get what you guys are saying about my situation I know that I need to be out of it... hopefully this christmas thing is the one thing to get him out of my home this year..

but all that aside what I came here for...

If we were happy or even close to that in our marriage... 

Am I wrong for wanting to start my own traditions for my children?
or do I drop my holiday plans and my own happiness with my kids and plan my life around him and his families?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I get what you guys are saying about my situation I know that I need to be out of it... hopefully this christmas thing is the one thing to get him out of my home this year..
> 
> but all that aside what I came here for...
> 
> ...


No, you are not wrong for wanting to start your own traditions for your family. However, he is also not wrong for feeling that the holiday is about seeing and spending time with extended family. My STBXH and I had similar opinions. He wanted to travel to another state to spend Christmas with his family, I did not. I wanted our kids to wake up in their own beds and run downstairs to see what Santa brought them. 

If you were a healthy couple you could come to some sort of resolution together. Unfortunately, you are not a healthy couple therefore I don't see this dispute having a good resolution for you. And honestly, based on his abusive behavior, I predict that you will be traveling to all those same places this year. This will be your life for as long as you are with him. I'm sorry. I know you don't want to face that.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

If I do not stand my ground now... I will forever be tormented in this marriage. 

I don't mind for him to be with his family this year... but whatever day he chooses to be with his family Christmas Eve or Christmas Day I will have my children the opposite of that. 

the way he wants to do the holidays...our family would never be at home together for Christmas... 

I do not understand his logic and I never will

I just hope for strength... and peace for my holiday season all these things on top of the grief I am feeling over my loved ones and experiencing seeing something tragic this past week..

it is all so heavy.. and is the reason i found myself in the forums


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> If I do not stand my ground now... I will forever be tormented in this marriage.
> 
> I don't mind for him to be with his family this year... but whatever day he chooses to be with his family Christmas Eve or Christmas Day I will have my children the opposite of that.
> 
> ...


We teach people how to treat us. You have let him get away with mistreating you and discounting your point of view for some time now.

There is a chance that he can change. It will take you standing up to him. If this is your line in the sand, then you need to be ready for what might happen.

Do you have a plan for what you will do if he gets really bad in the way he reacts? Are you willing to call 911 if he get physical?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Do you have a plan for what you will do if he gets really bad in the way he reacts? Are you willing to call 911 if he get physical?


Yes Ele, After he got physical with me the last time I always keep my phone at my side.. I have to hide it sometimes when he comes home he's very controlling and domineering likes to possess my things and know every move I make. 

Last week when I started getting really exhausted physically and emotionally I had enough... I put a passcode on my phone. 
Now there is a password on my laptop 

that all started because he would always take posession of my phone when I got home... read all my messages and if someone sent a friend request on social media he wanted to know who it was and how i knew them so I took control over my social media and changed my password there also.

He blames it on his past about how mistreated and cheated on he was...
I've never done them things to him as I was in a previous marriage and that happened to me... I know the pain that causes..

long story short I know and I can tell as I type this and my emotions this past week that I'm stretched thin and ive reached the point of no return. 

the ball is in his court now..

i hear everyday how useless I am... how he can find someone better.. along with the names and how mental and messed up I am..

I believed it and still believe some of it for the longest time now..

but i know deep in my heart... no woman would put up with all i have endured.. and if she did id have to see a tox screen only then... would i kiss her a** 

Thank You for your support here Ele... its been a blessing to me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> Yes Ele, After he got physical with me the last time I always keep my phone at my side.. I have to hide it sometimes when he comes home he's very controlling and domineering likes to possess my things and know every move I make.
> 
> Last week when I started getting really exhausted physically and emotionally I had enough... I put a passcode on my phone.
> Now there is a password on my laptop
> ...


I've lived through something similar, so I understand a lot of what you are dealing with.

Does he mistreat you like this in front of other people?

Can you describe your 'discussions' when he starts at you verbally? Do they start out as sort of normal discussions and then escalate to him being angry and you trying to defend yourself verbally, then turn into angry outbursts?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> He has been a good father, he is so gentle and patient with them... He will get onto them at times when they are being rowdy call them down all normal things a parent would do.
> 
> but when it comes to me... I don't think hes ever really treated me right.
> 
> ...


Do you mean he tried to choke you?????


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Heres a background for you first off to help... 

I had a very traumatic childhood.. most people have I think! Idk what it was with baby boomer parents but yeah.. anywho

I started working at 15 years old... started smothering in work to mask all my problems and not deal with them, when I turned 18 I started working all the overtime i could get.. fast forward to the age of 27 still working hard and going strong then i fall pregnant

I worked on my feet anywhere from 12 to 14 hour days... up until i was 8 months along. Took on all the responsibilities of him and his 3 girls and there was times he wasnt working at all.. 

He promised me that he would let me stay home with the children and take care of us.. so far to mine and families surprise he has

but i hear everyday how much he hates his job and how much he wants to quit... he is 25 and this is the most steady hes been with working

The verbal/mental abuse started after my family found out hed been physical with me.. my dad came to visit me and i had bruises on my face and i kept my head down dad knew something was wrong.
My brother came up the following week because Husband took posession of my phone and they were all worried for me...

My brother told him if he thought he was a man.. to come outside and smack him around like he did to his sister.. My Husband is afraid of my brother as brother is big in stature, and an underground coal miner... hes very protective of me even moreso since we lost our other brother.. 

Big man, but an even bigger heart...

anywho... since the phsyical abuse stopped i remember before I found out i was pregnant after my brother died we would start our day off things would go really good

my husband couldn't find something in the house maybe something like his phone, the keys or wallet... 

my husband would break out into rage and anger and start cussing at me 

I KNOW YOU DID SOMETHING WITH IT, I AM TIRED OF YOU ALWAYS GETTING RID OF MY S**T! 

I would tell him i didn't have or hadn't seen something he would call me a liar and say i always bother his things

I remember the worst mental abuse i endured... and now ive grown accustomed to things like this daily

all the girls were here... we had been fighting that day it started out like that... 

I went into the bedroom to get away from him because i hate the confrontation I was done with the yelling and accusations and fighting/aruging back

he came into the bedroom and stood overtop of me and said 

I SEE NOW WHY YOU CANT HAVE CHILDREN!!! YOUR A POS, YOUR MENTAL, YOUR A SH***Y WOMAN YOU DONT DESERVE TO HAVE A KID

YOUR NOT A WOMAN AT ALL YOU CANT EVEN HAVE KIDS!

I laid in that bed numb all evening.. .i cried til i couldnt cry anymore.. a few months later 

i got my miracle...

today things like this still go on it starts out over something small... and escalates over something big

i defend myself but i am always shut down with YOU STARTED THIS S**T, YOUR NOT INNOCENT, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT

EVERYTHING ISNT MY FAULT, STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM, I SEE NOW WHY EVERYONE HATES YOU, YOUR A POS MOTHER

everyday...

even when i look at him with tears in my eyes streaming down my face yelling in defense NO IM NOT, DONT SAY THAT TO ME... 

he still yells and says you S.A. B**CH... D.A** etc...

im mentally exhausted just typing this... 

its heavy....


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yea, I'll bet that was exhausting to write out. But it's good to get it out as well. 

Does he talk to you like this in front of other people? Or does he only talk to you like this in the privacy of your own home?

Is there anyone else who knows how he treats you?


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> Does he talk to you like this in front of other people? Or does he only talk to you like this in the privacy of your own home?
> 
> Is there anyone else who knows how he treats you?


The cussing, and big fighting only goes on behind closed doors.. my neigbors have called my landlord many times over the fighting though... 

On one side of the neighborhood when I go outside every day to check my mail or tend to my homefront... i will get a head nod but a sad stare like you can tell they have sympathy but greet me in passing... on the other side of the neigborhood ive built a bond with her and her children.. they genuinely care but don't want to get involved... they just always let me know if they are needed that they are always there.

my family knows, they can sense my emotions.. and he makes snide comments in front of them.. 

I remember about 2 weeks after i had the c-section with my son.. i was sitting down with my dad and stepmother and my husband just got off work and i was still a little sore and tending to our daughter... I said honey can you change his diaper...

he chuckled and said i've worked all day thats not my job...

before i could say anything my stepmother came to my defense...

he is the type that goes to work.. comes home and plops down in his easy chair 

when i was working full time and he was at home sitting... i would also come home and tend to the household etc my day didn't end until my head hit the pillow..

ill never understand.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he treat you badly in front of his own family? Is this normal behavior in his family?

You will never understand because his behavior has no reasonable explanation. He's an abuser. Abusers do what they do to gain control. He knows that by treating you like that he's in control. He's can feel all powerful because of that. That's what it's all about. He is insecure and has low self esteem, so by controlling you he thinks you will never leave him. And if he can keep telling you that you are {fill in the blank with some nasty, mean words} it makes him feel all big an powerful. He's actually a pretty pathetic excuse of a man.

The bottom line here is what are you going to do? Do you want to try to make things work; try to get him to change? Or do you just want out of this very bad situation?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You job as a mother is to get those children out of an abusive home. Otherwise they will grow up to either abuse others themselves or think its normal to be abused. Plus they must be so badly affected by it all.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think the biggest problem is that he cussed you out and belittled you. Why stay married to a guy who can so easily do that? It’s abuse!

That part aside....

I get that you want you want to make your own traditions and traveling multiple places is a bit much. I don’t know that anyone, adults anyway, get everything they want for the holidays. I would rather stay home as well and just watch Christmas movies all day drinking Jameson. But people love us and want to see us. They won’t always be here so we go and I am always glad we do. Is a compromise possible here or with him is it all or nothing.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

Wolf1974 said:


> Why stay married to a guy who can so easily do that? It’s abuse!
> 
> That part aside....
> 
> Is a compromise possible here or with him is it all or nothing?


I honestly don't know anymore Wolf... 

yes absolutely! I was willing to go to our families house the day before christmas or the day after christmas! 

but he gets his oldest daughters on christmas eve only and has to have them back their mother that evening! I want my kids and his kids to all be together under the same roof and do our own tradition on that christmas eve day..

he doesn't want to do that! He said that he wants to change it up every year and rotate the back and forth from eve to day...

I tried to explain that we couldn't possibly do that without us all being split up every year

His family is sort of like him in a sense... i guess it is why he is the way he is!

His sister and I had some confrontation at thanksgiving... she is very spoiled and gets to speak her mind... everyone puts up with that... she tried to run her mouth on me at thanksgiving about how to take care of my child and got ugly with me... 

I spoke up to her and let her know where i stood, and because i done that i am being ignored and avoided! I was also messaged by mother in law and told you should apologize to my daughter SHE HAS ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY we just overlook her

my husband came to their defense and also said that his sister has always been that way..

Give you an idea now? lol


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

As a rule, I'm somewhat of a hard-ass when it comes to my responses. In your case, all I can say is what you have posted gives me a heavy feeling of sadness. Sadness that you are still ruminating about why he behaves the way he does as well as the logistics of Christmas Eve and Christmas Day.

I wonder why you aren't really upset and disturbed as to why you are putting up with horrific abuse from this man. Honestly, I'm almost at a complete loss for words here, and I was married to two abusive alcoholics. But something in me finally told me it was time to cut my losses and reach out for a better life.

Your husband sounds like a cruel, emotionally-stunted man. I simply cannot fathom why you are exposing yourself to such abuse. The children certainly deserve to live in a sane, calm atmosphere - and what you have right now sure ain't it.

I dunno … I'm literally sitting here typing and shaking my head. I hope you put all your energy into getting out. Forget why he does what he does. This guy is total garbage. You just need to have faith and believe you deserve a whole helluva lot better than this.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My heart is broken for you OP. I feel so sad after reading how bad your life is.

Where to go on Christmas should be the last thing on your mind right now. Your first priority needs to be getting yourself and your children out of that **** situation. 

How dare he call you names and belittle you? What an absolutely cruel thing to tell a woman who cannot have children that she's "not a real woman". What an absolute, dead set pig he is.

I send you and your children love, and truly hope you're away from this "man" soon xx


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I, too, am saddened by the life you and your children are living. I lived your life for 12 years. I was choked and belittled. Hit and dragged across the floor. Take your pick. No children thank goodness. 

I got out with the help of my local YWCA. 

I know this is not why you came here. But I would be remiss if I didn't tell you that my heart is heavy this morning for you and your kids. Life does not have to be this way for you especially since you have a supportive family.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I can't explain it... maybe others who have been abused may understand why its so hard to walk away... I think I am afraid of not finding happiness in life or just the fear of splitting another child into with homes. 

today he called me after he got off work and said that the BM of his 2 oldest has changed his visitation time and doesn't want him to pick them up until sunday evening... he goes back to work monday

he said we can keep them until christmas day and then go back and get them the next day.

I said so your going to take them home every morning on your way to work?

he started yelling and cussing at me calling me names again saying that it was my job as a wife to take care of his kids when he is not at home.

i was so calm and kind... i said but i do take care of the house and your kids 2 of them...

I have cried all evening, when he fell asleep tonight i was able to take my keys and go for a quick trip to the store... 

walking into that store i tried to process my thoughts and what i needed for the household..

checking out i realized i had looked down at my feet most of the trip there... and i was so sad... some people looked at me and they seemed to give such empathy for me... 

when i arrived home tonight, he asked where the he** i had been and said he had to work in the morning and i needed to be home with the kids 

 

My family is to the point now where they love me, and they are here for me but i was told today that its very hard for the to be in a room with him and they cant promise that eventually they wont be able to refrain from snapping on him. 

so i guess he does put down to me in public also i just never noticed :'(


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I can't explain it... maybe others who have been abused may understand why its so hard to walk away... I think I am afraid of not finding happiness in life or just the fear of splitting another child into with homes.


What you feel here, your inability to leave or deal with this is extremely normal for someone in an abusive relationship. All the emotional and physical battering causes your mental state to get to this point. This is why an abuser carries out all the abuse.... to break down their victim to have complete control over them.

This is why you need to get help from some organization that helps victims of abuse.

Here is contact info for a national domestic violence hotline. It's not just for violent abuse, they also help people who are being emotionally abused. They can help you find some help near where you live.

*The USNational Domestic Violence Hotline | 24/7 Confidential Support*


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

You do not have a marriage. IMO: you are living in an abusive hell. You must not believe his angry trash talk. This is about him, not you. 

Let your family help you escape while they (and you) are still able. They must worry about you and grieve over your situation. They, too, are in pain--not just you.

Your children deserve a stable existence. Does he threaten serious damage if you leave? I think he can be dangerous. What kind of life will you and kids have if you stay? No one deserves such horror.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I am talking to someone on the hotline now... they are concerned for me 
I just feel like im in a fog... like i never thought id be here...

ive been so blind, i remember as a young girl going into adulthood i would see these horror stories and movies... and i would be in disbelief and say how could a woman... ill never... 

:'(


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> I am talking to someone on the hotline now... they are concerned for me
> I just feel like im in a fog... like i never thought id be here...
> 
> ive been so blind, i remember as a young girl going into adulthood i would see these horror stories and movies... and i would be in disbelief and say how could a woman... ill never...
> ...


Hi, I'm checking in to see how you are doing.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

I am okay, just doing a lot of reflecting. 
My father came for a visit today... we had a long talk. I am glad I came to the forums when I did, I think it was a wake-up call.

My dad and brother told me that everyone in the family is hurting, they see the change in me and are concerned. 

My whole family is rallying behind me and said that they will be here for me through it all... 

husband got home from work this evening and is trying to blow things off as nothing happened. We haven't spoken much at all he is sleeping.

oh...

and I will be spending Christmas with my family and my son this year.

he and his girls will be going to his families...

I have made arrangments to where if something happens and he tries to hold me here my dad will be here at my home to get me if im not at his house by a certain time.. 

its going to be a hard time, but i am thankful for all this support <3


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Has your husband agreed to you and your child spending Christmas with your family?

I hope all goes alright.

I'm a bit concerned about your plan for your father coming to get you if you are not at his house by a certain time. If your husband is being unreasonable, it might become confrontation. You might want to have some plan for the way your father will handle it if your husband becomes belligerent. For example one of you call 911 so that your father has backup if anything goes bad.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

When I told my husband the plan, he didnt like it. He said well F it I am going to sign my rights over to the other two and just forget about them THATS WHAT YOU WANT. 

he said that he will just stay home for christmas and that what i am doing is BS. 

he is afraid of my dad and brother so im not to worried about that.. hes all bark and no bite when it comes to them. 

I just hope it is all smooth sailing, either way Ele.. he is not ruining my time with my family this year.. i have got to stop isolating and my family misses me.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> ..he started yelling and cussing at me calling me names again saying that it was my job as a wife to take care of his kids when he is not at home.(


Boy did I hit the nail on the head in my other post when I said this vile POS was just looking for a mommy-wife to raise his kids FOR him - and you're so passive and grateful to have this ass-clown in your life that you jumped all over the opportunity to do it for him. This is the type of guy who needs to be throat punched and kicked out the front door so hard his MOTHER would feel it in Oshkosh, not pandered to and continually sacrificed for. Good God, what are you thinking?

Sometimes I have a really hard time believing threads like this on TAM are genuine and think someone's pulling our legs because to me, these stories just seem so ridiculously outlandish because I just can't imagine ANY woman who would *willingly* sign up for this ****-show and then make *excuses* for why she won't LEAVE said **** show when poster after poster after poster tells her he's abusive. And you KNOW he's abusive, OP. Let's not play games here. Further, you continually make excuses for staying even when it's pointed out to you that you OWE your biological child a *safe, healthy environment* in which to grow and thrive. Honestly, if you can't make informed and proper choices for yourself, then at LEAST make proper choices for your child who doesn't have a say in the matter. 

That's what a good parent *does*, OP - they put their child's needs above their own and you're not doing that.



> ..he is afraid of my dad and brother so im not to worried about that.. hes all bark and no bite when it comes to them.


But the bully isn't afraid to push YOU around, is he? What a complete piece of wet garbage and yet, you stay with him and make excuses for him out of some twisted, skewed sense of loyalty you think you owe this ****-stain. 

You need serious therapy for your severe co-dependency. It's very clear you have family nearby and they're concerned and willing to help, so there IS help for you but you choose not to take it because you've deluded yourself into actually thinking that staying with your abuser is a good idea. 

I NEVER recommend therapy on message boards but I'm making an exception here. Call a therapist today and work on your *co-dependency* issues. Please.


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## talesofthe-twofoldmother (Dec 18, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good God, what are you thinking?
> 
> Sometimes I have a really hard time believing threads like this on TAM are genuine and think someone's pulling our legs because to me, these stories just seem so ridiculously outlandish because I just can't imagine ANY woman who would *willingly* sign up for this ****-show and then make *excuses* for why she won't LEAVE said **** show when poster after poster after poster tells her he's abusive. And you KNOW he's abusive, OP. Let's not play games here. Further, you continually make excuses for staying even when it's pointed out to you that you OWE your biological child a *safe, healthy environment* in which to grow and thrive. Honestly, if you can't make informed and proper choices for yourself, then at LEAST make proper choices for your child who doesn't have a say in the matter.
> 
> That's what a good parent *does*, OP - they put their child's needs above their own and you're not doing that.



Believe them when they reach out for you (GotIt). You come off very passionate and angry about certain aspects of it, but what you said in this paragraph struck hard for me.

I didn't even realize i was a victim until I came here to these forums... I guess I will apologize for that, but please don't put down on my parenting. 
I have always had my sons best interest at heart. 

when i was getting talked to like that i just always seen me as the one that would suffer from it Ive never really thought that it could or might affect my child. 

I just thought as long as he was smiling and happy and mommy was taking care of him that he was ok. 

I am trying very hard to make things right for us now... My family and the forums here has been an eye opener/big help for me. 

I know that the holidays apart are the first major step and I've been offered a place to stay with family, i do not want to be under a roof with another family but if thats what it takes to get my husband to leave my home then so be it.

I called the police and they said that i would have to get a restraining/nop order on husband before they could intervene for me and get him out of the home. My mistake was marrying him... period. 

I hope in the coming months.. ill have a positive update for myself and my son.

thank you all for the tough love, encouragement, support and tools i needed to get my life going back in the right direction. 

I really am trying, I just got a lot to process from all the mental aspects of it.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

talesofthe-twofoldmother said:


> When I told my husband the plan, he didnt like it. *He said well F it I am going to sign my rights over to the other two and just forget about them THATS WHAT YOU WANT.
> 
> he said that he will just stay home for christmas and that what i am doing is BS.
> *
> ...


The words in bold are manipulative words. He is manipulative as well as a bully.

You are so blessed that you have a father and brother who are willing to stand up to protect you! I want to commend you for not keeping the bad parts of your marriage a secret from them.

Instead of spending Christmas alone with your son, can you go to your family's house. Your son's 1/2 or step siblings won't be around, and being all alone won't be fun for him, but will be a sad reminder.

Take care of yourself. Don't hesitate to call 911 if he lays a finger on you. If he cusses at you, say, "I will not allow myself to be spoken to like that anymore" and leave the room. He will follow you. Say it again, and lock yourself in the bathroom. He will bang on the door. Tell him if he doesn't leave you alone, you will call the police. If he doesn't stop, call the 911 and let them hear what he is doing to the door and what he is saying to you. That will be considered harrassment, and you might be able to get a restraining order on him for that.

I'm glad you found this forum to get a reality check. It is not healthy for a person to be called names and belittled. It might be "normal" for some, but it is not healthy for anyone.

Check back in with us. We care about you.


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