# Wife that wants to be "Single"...



## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Allow me to start with a brief description of my 6-year marriage. 

We were both young then, both 20 years old. We had the perfect Girlfriend/Boyfriend relationship back then and we met at the office. About 6 months into the relationship, we got pregnant and got married shortly thereafter (mostly due to her parents wanting us to get married because of the baby - a standard Philippine Custom...).

While that wasn't a good start to begin with, we managed to grow our love on the first, say, 5 years of our marriage. We went through a lot of problems, like Sex (or the lack of), family, finances etc, and we were able to get through them all.. together...

Time flew by and before we know it, we both got a stable job, rented our own apartment for a while and our kid grew to love everyone around her. It was perfect, I am holding a Corporate-Management level employment at age 26, and she is also slowly climbing the ladder of success as a Supervisor-level.

Then we moved into my in-laws place (we both agreed), primarily because we now have a brand-new car we need to pay off, and after that, our plan is to get a house and live our happy life as a family, all within the goals I set for my life (at 30, I want to be paying my own house). 


In her new work (we still work in the same company, my office is barely 20 steps away from her desk), and I have realized that she has been going out too much. She has been keeping her cell phone away from me (on silent - non vibrate mode), and deleting "selected" messages consistently. She rarely invites me to lunch, knowing that I eat and smoke alone most of the time... I invite her for a date, she doesn't want to and would always want our daughter to be with us...

We spoke about this too many times, for I felt she was hiding something (who would delete "some" messages and recent contacts entry if there is nothing to hide?) All reason she said was, it was none of my business, and she in her friends (guys) have their own secrets because they found a confidant in her. She has been regularly been going drinking with officemates (twice a month), and goes home at 9AM after the previous night's drinking and party session. We spoke about it far too many times, that I do not like that, it hurts me, it insults me.. blah blah blah... Nothing... She also doesn't want me to go out with her and her friends, her reason being her friends are intimidated by me because I am a "Boss" at the office. 

It seems that she does not want to change.. Yet... And she told me she wants to experience things she didn't get to experience because our marriage was too early... She wants to experience going out, having friends, partying, going to the beach... All without me... 

I feel so insecure, so depressed, thinking that she might be seeing or becoming emotionally attached so someone else... I know exactly what she is doing now, because I did it myself quite a few times, even to the extent of having a sexual affair with quite a lot of other women during our marriage (but that is long over now). 

She said she loves me still, and ask me not to worry (I trust and believe her when she says this). Because at the end of the day, I am her husband and she will always come home to me... But the instinct in me is telling me something is going on, or something might happen (I know men take advantage, coz I did too)

The ladies in their family has always been the dominant type, and I for one is also dominant, and have the always-right-wont-loose-a-fight type of guy which could not be a healthy mix at all. (We both laughed about this once, since this is what brings spice to our marriage) 



What should I do? Should I trust and let her discover her "single" side? I gave up on all the arguments as it doesn't seem to change at all... I have been a good provider, father and a sweet and loving husband (small, random surprises, hugs, kisses, tell her she is gorgeous, name it, that is me)... But what makes her want to be with them.. and not with me?  I'm just too afraid that she will realize its better out there without me... 




I miss the times that I was her everything, when I was at the top of the list, and it hurts being in second, sometimes third place... This has been going on for the past 3 months, and it is taking its toll on me and I am starting to feel the symptoms of depression... 

Any advise would be greatly appreciated. Cheers!


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

I didn't realize my thread was TOO long.. Sorry and thanks to those who will take time to read and respond...


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

cisco7931 said:


> I know exactly what she is doing now, because I did it myself quite a few times, even to the extent of having a sexual affair with quite a lot of other women during our marriage (but that is long over now).


Is there a possibility your wife has never truly forgiven you for your earlier affairs? Did the both of you seek counseling to assist healing the relationship from your previous behavior and indiscretions in your marriage? Could she be justifying her own behavior with the concept of "What's good for the goose, is good for the gander?"


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

She never found out about my previous affairs at all...

I guess that ghost of me doing it before and me seeing almost the same queues is scaring the hell out of me...


Is it just me? Am I just being so paranoid and there isnt really anything I need to worry about?

From the way things are going, it seems we are headed in the same direction as her parents - Not the perfect "love-story" marriage, just two people in the same house with kids (if you know what I mean)... Her parents also married because they got pregnant early and it seems that history is repeating itself... I just want to avoid that 25 years down the line, we will end up exactly like her parent's relationship...


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Update >> We're both at work now, I just simply asked her if we can have a lunch date (just the two of us), and she said I can just join her and her "Team" (the same guys she always go out with)... And she added that she is feeling more pressured now with me after our last conversation about it...

Should I just try to take her for granted? More of giving her a taste of her own medicine?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`m sorry, I just don`t understand men like you dude.

I didn`t read your post any farther than this bit....



cisco7931 said:


> She has been regularly been going drinking with officemates (twice a month), and goes home at 9AM after the previous night's drinking and party session.


I`ve been with my wife for 13 years, married for 11, 3 kids.

If she didn`t come home until 9AM ONCE every damn thing she owns would be in the yard, the locks would be changed(Walmart is open 24 hours I`d have them switched out by 6AM), and the contents of our joint bank account would have been moved to my personal savings account online.

Your wife does this to you because you allow it.
For allowing it you almost deserve it.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

@tacoma - So what you are essentially saying is for me to NOT allow it and put some boundaries to what she is doing? 

I just don't want to go that direction as it might force her out of the door more...?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

You're being a doormat Cisco. 

Stop it and lay some boundaries. 

Get over to the Mens Clubhouse and read about manning up. 

She's not respecting you at all. 

Start the 180 and see how it goes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Fonallu read the 180, and it sucks to find out i have been doing almost all the first few items,lol

UPDATE > i have finally decided to leave. This afternoon's test was the last straw. We have been arguing about her gping out with officemates and I acrually offered for her to go out with them as we were driving out of the parking lot. She was soo surprised to say the least, yet from her words, she wanted to. I ended up leaving the car with her and me taking the bus. Yeah, stupid me but since she is going out late. I want to make sure she can come home safe. 

That was the last straw, she ended up txting her friends before she texted me after i walked out. Clearly her priority wasnt me at all. And ive had it. 

Oddly enough, i feel this certain calmness in me. I am happy, a first in a few months. Why do you think i am feeling this way? In 6 days, it will be my 27th bday and i am glad to be free. I will come home in a heartbeat on some conditions we can agree too. But im not optimistic. 

I will let her feel the void that was once me in her life. Yeah, we have a major family event this weekend and i cannot wait not to attend it. 

I will keep this thread updated with my progress.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

<Update> 

We'll she went home at 1AM and we had a long talk.

Simply put: She does not want to stop being with her "friends" because that makes her happy at this stage in her life. She CHOSE not to compromise, or at least draw the line. Its just that... She also said she wants me to do the same, explore, go back with my old friends and be happy... 

I mentioned that it may be a risk if we do it, that it will eventually tear this whole thing apart, and she said she will take the risk and suffer any consequence...

I packed my things in the trunk of the car without her knowing, and will leave at least for a week (including my birthday) and finally put my foot down: I will ask her to contact me if she is ready to do things my way. I dont want her to stop seeing her friends, I just want her to go home at 10PM and it isnt too much to ask.


Thoughts anyone?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good job man, and thats the best way to look out for your self.

You feel calm b/c it is the right thing to do for you. Its your body healing it self.

When something that good feels so right it can't be wrong.

Soon you will want to cantact her....don't. Remember this " we want the ones we cant have"

No matter how much you want to make contact let her make the move. See this will draw her closer...wondering how you are doing.

Your doing great stay strong and keep your distance. She will either miss you or she won't, the point is why be with some one that doesn't want you.

be careful she will try to manage you, so if and when you get back together do it on your terms


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

While you're gone - do not contact her and ignore any attempts to contact you. Make it like you've disappeared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Thanks for those words of encouragement guys...

Should I give her back our ring, and tell her, give it back to me when you are ready to take me back in your life...

Or does that sound too cheezy?


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Cheesy and childish. Take the high road for now. 

The temporary separation may be what's needed for both of you. 

Ensure that you have your plan well thought out and ready to execute one way or the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

I guess so too, thanks for the candid remark... 

I just noticed our "talk" last night was more peaceful, and it gets calmer every time we talk more about it... Its not a "fight" anymore , no more finger pointing, but its more of a discussion of feelings and emotions... 

I know my wife loves me deep inside her, and I love her terribly too...

Is this a normal stage in a married life particularly for those who wed early - to ask for personal space? I went through this stage myself as indicated on my first post, even worse, but she never noticed to her because I make sure she is first over anything/one else... 

I guess I want to get an understanding why this happened, I am now at that stage where I'm thinking of the "why"s....


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## tiger123 (May 4, 2011)

Good luck man, be strong. I can only imagine how it feels having invested so much emotional effort into the relationship and then having to let it all go. You deserve to be happy in life. And if this decision makes you happier, you made the right decision.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Update > Today is the third day since I left. I can say that the first night was the hardest and it seems to be easier now than ever.

Yesterday, I met with my ex girlfriend from almost 10 years ago. She has been my special friend since we were 8 - Yes, 22 years of friendship.

She is the person who knows me more than I know myself, and have realized an "Aha" moment when we were catching up over coffee. She made me realize that I have been too possessive, too emotional and over-reacting, too quiet and too "boring" and lame, too mature... since we were 8 years old. 

This was a wake-up call for me... I am realizing that that is the reason my wife is seeking fun with friends outside of marriage and she chooses to keep me out of it. Our life has been surrounded with routine, by plans and by quiet times, which I think has put a toll on my wife now, after 6 years... 

We do not communicate well, we sometimes eat without uttering a word - I sometimes drive for straight 2 hours without even talking to her... I have been cold it seems, but have always thought of myself as a loving husband... A loving husband who cannot communicate, and only shows "sweet nothings" all this time. 

I feel sorry for my wife, I feel sorry for her making her lonely in our marriage, because of what I have been, probably since the day I was born...

She texted me yesterday saying that she wishes me to be happy, even if I am alone, to find things that would make me complete, to prepare ourselves for whatever may happen to our marriage. 

I have left so many people in my life after I got married because I focused on becoming a husband and a dad - a good provider, a pillar and a hero. I know I rush too much on anything in life.. I am bound by timelines, by dates, by targets, by due dates and get easily frustrated when things dont fall into what I planned them to be (I am a perfect Project Manager with those traits, and probably the worst husband) - including my married life... 

During this "me" time, I have planned on going back to my roots. Talk to old friends I have left when I got married, go to the places that are forever etched in my memory. Make peace with my other ex that I just left for my wife without closure. And forgive my other ex for leaving me like crap. 

My friend asked me - Who did your wife fall in love with, who are you 7 years ago? What made her fall head over heels for you, go back to it and make her fall again - I didn't have an answer. I was dumbfounded realizing that I no longer know who I was... I never placed myself first since I got married - I erased my individuality because of my wife, left my friends and focused on becoming a good provider to my family - thinking that was the right thing to do...

I am healing... I am getting ready, and I am realizing that I have been at fault, (though not entirely coz my wife definitely had her own mistakes...).. All happened in three days, again, another trait that is "me". 

Today, I have an appointment with a Marriage Councilor... yesterday, I went to church - asking for a sign - Apparently, NO PRIEST was available to talk to (this wans't the case when I met an vehicular accident that almost killed me when my wife gave birth and immediately went to church for a blessing)... For me that was a sign - *NO ONE* else can help me but myself. 



I am listening to a song now which perfectly shows what I am feeling now: "Whatever it Takes" by Lifehouse:

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay​ 
But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over​

I am healing - I am accepting - And I am changing... Like it or not, its the way its gotta be, you gotta love yourself if you can ever love me.


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