# Any other guys in a parent/child marriage?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

First of all, I'm not looking for advice on how to "fix" the spouse who is the child as is my case. I'm convinced it can't be changed.

Just looking for others to discuss this and the related frustrations we probably share. Namely lack of intimacy. I've so given up on being happy in my marriage. Ever.

Here's a couple of things that annoy the holy h*ll out of me:

1. No sex in several YEARS.
2. Can't cook and won't even try. I do all the cooking.
3. I work full time, she won't even go back to work part time.
4. Our house is a perpetual mess because she can't make decisions about anything and therefore, won't get rid of things or decide where to put things away.
5. Asks me silly, child-like questions like "Is this bowl ok to make salad in?"

Btw, we're in our 40's so it's not like she's still young and inexperienced. Married 20 years with two kids still at home.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why are you married to her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Why are you married to her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tried to do an uncontested divorce but she made subtle hints at taking my children and moving "back home" which is 400 miles away. Back home to let daddy take care of her if I divorced her. I can't afford a contested divorce right now (lawyer) so I'm stuck for the time being. Plus I love my kids more than anything and enjoy being under the same roof with them.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

Has she always been like this? It sounds like she has some psychological issues going on. Seriously. Can't make decisions, can't get to work. And good for you that you realize that you can't fix her - it sounds like she might need some sortof meds and therapy. You should be encouraging her to simply get an evaluation. If you're employer has a Work/Life program, start with that. Seriously pal - the marriage you seem to have isn't fair to either of you.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> Tried to do a contested divorce but she made subtle hints at taking my children and moving "back home" which is 400 miles away. Back home to let daddy take care of her if I divorced her. I can't afford a contested divorce right now (lawyer) so I'm stuck for the time being. Plus I love my kids more than anything and enjoy being under the same roof with them.


Did you consult a lawyer?
A consult is usually free.

It may not be possible for her to take the kids out of your reach.

If you haven`t already I`d get some legal advice on my options if the situation were to go nuclear.


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## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> she made subtle hints at taking my children and moving "back home" which is 400 miles away.


Can't see how a court would give someone custody who can't pick a salad bowl - but stranger things have happened.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have prob played a part in allowing things to get to where they are. She has faced no consequences which is why she continues to run around all day with her head in la-la-land. But not changing the status quo, setting up boundaries, you have played a part in enabling her behavior.

I was the parent in my marriage. You are right--people generally don't change. I realized I was dealing with a lot of bullsh!t because I was TOLERATING a lot of bullsh!t. We divorced.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tacoma said:


> Did you consult a lawyer?
> A consult is usually free.
> 
> It may not be possible for her to take the kids out of your reach.
> ...


I paid a lawyer $1500 to do an uncontested divorce but when that backfired I couldn't do any more. To file contested, most want $4000 or more just as a retainer. I agree about the court saying she can't move but I can't get that far until I save up some money.

She's a decent mom. She can survive so long as someone is giving her money, ie. me (alimony and child support). She just won't have a very fulfilling life if it ever gets to that point. The kids are her sole purpose in life right now (I got thrown off the bus) so when they grow up and leave, she's going to be lost.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> You have prob played a part in allowing things to get to where they are. She has faced no consequences which is why she continues to run around all day with her head in la-la-land. But not changing the status quo, setting up boundaries, you have played a part in enabling her behavior.
> 
> I was the parent in my marriage. You are right--people generally don't change. I realized I was dealing with a lot of bullsh!t because I was TOLERATING a lot of bullsh!t. We divorced.


I couldn't agree with you more. I was a huge enabler for many years. But I thought when I actually showed her papers, separated, etc., she'd wake up. Wrong.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

all i can tell you is wow, my marriage is not completely sexless (bad enough though) but your other problems are mine exactly, EXACTLY


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Mine was like this. Fortunately, when the kids got to be about 7 or so, I had someone to talk to. The, she did me a huge favor and cheaqted-my "get out of jail free" card.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Been on the flip side of this.... just wanted to say, you don't HAVE to have an attorney. You can certainly file your own papers, and you can read your butt off while you are biding your time anyway. Read up on divorce laws in your state. 

When YOU file, you can at the same time claim 50% custody (or more, or whatever % you want...) THEN she has to go thru the court to fight that, and the courts almost never let someone move out of state. Find out the laws in your state! A little knowledge may be your best friend.... she said one little thing and you fell for it. AND.... depending on the ages of the kids, they may have a choice in moving or staying with Dad. 

YOU have options.... it's not all about money. YOU just have to do the leg work and educate yourself, who could be a better advocate for YOU???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> I couldn't agree with you more. I was a huge enabler for many years. But I thought when I actually showed her papers, separated, etc., she'd wake up. Wrong.


So are you guys divorcing? Or you just did that as a threat to try to get her to change?


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## rotor (Aug 28, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> First of all, I'm not looking for advice on how to "fix" the spouse who is the child as is my case. I'm convinced it can't be changed.
> 
> Just looking for others to discuss this and the related frustrations we probably share. Namely lack of intimacy. I've so given up on being happy in my marriage. Ever.
> 
> ...


That is my wife to a T. Seriously it’s almost spooky.

Yep my wife married her daddy. Both she and my in-laws have made comments many times that I am EXACTLY like her father.

Even though she is 58, emotionally I would put her at about the 14-16 years of age mark. Just as in your case if we were to split I am Just about positive she would go home to mommy and daddy in Europe.

I’m no expert on this but I have a suspicion that the intimacy thing might come from familiarity. At least that's the theory I have developed over the years in dealing with this.

Regards,

rotor


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You say you have to live with her and cant divorce. Why are you so sure you cant change things.
For a start was your marriage ever good. Was your wife always like this. If not why did it start. You dont mention that she is ill at all. Was your wife always so 'silly'. I doubt it. I suppose for some reason you or your wife has never been to counselling which is a pity. Dont give up yet.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

I dated a guy a few years ago who was a big time mamas boy. Didn't even realize it until we started dating for awhile then I started to notice certain things. He wouldn't do anything, because he was used to his mother doing it all for for him. He was not only child like with not doing anything but he was child like when it came to how he reacted to things etc. 

I ended that relationship real quick. If I ever wanted to have kids I would want to be a mother to a actual baby, not a man child who couldn't/wouldn't do anything.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

CallaLily said:


> I dated a guy a few years ago who was a big time mamas boy. Didn't even realize it until we started dating for awhile then I started to notice certain things. He wouldn't do anything, because he was used to his mother doing it all for for him. He was not only child like with not doing anything but he was child like when it came to how he reacted to things etc.
> 
> I ended that relationship real quick. If I ever wanted to have kids I would want to be a mother to a actual baby, not a man child who couldn't/wouldn't do anything.


did he get fat?


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> did he get fat?


Meaning? 

I have no clue, I stopped seeing him due to my above post, and didn't stay in touch.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So are you guys divorcing? Or you just did that as a threat to try to get her to change?


I definitely did NOT do it to try and get her to change. As I said, I know I can't make her change. She's just like her mother who she used to fuss about when she was younger. The same things she complained about with her mom back then and she's become exactly that. Btw, I can't recall once in over 20 years ever seeing affection between her mother and her husband, even though they appear "happy". No hugs, kisses, anything like that. Just words like my wife. Wonder where she got it from???? She is not the same person I fell in love with and married. Ever since we had kids and she quit working.

I want to divorce. No doubt in my mind at this point. But I just can't afford a lawyer right now. I had someone tell me they'd never known another person in their life who tried as hard as I did to save my marriage. This has been going on for years and I'm just done. There's nothing left to even try. I'm really miserable. Other than having my kids (which is great), I'm really unhappy every day at home. I don't even want to be in the same room with her. And she just acts like nothings wrong and we're all happy. JUST like a teenager with no responsibility.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

accept said:


> You say you have to live with her and cant divorce. Why are you so sure you cant change things.
> For a start was your marriage ever good. Was your wife always like this. If not why did it start. You dont mention that she is ill at all. Was your wife always so 'silly'. I doubt it. I suppose for some reason you or your wife has never been to counselling which is a pity. Dont give up yet.


I'd be more than happy to have a private exchange with you to explain it all but I don't want to re-hash it on the boards again. If you want to know, send me a message. I'll bet you $20 by the end you'll be saying "Wow...I don't know what else you could've done."


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

ok will send you a message.
I ought to double it if I dont.
I am very much against divorce as you can see from all my regular posts here. I believe marriage is for life and sacred not till you find someone better. Dont think I dont have my own problems. Many are much worse than what you read about on here. Solving others doesnt seem to help solving your own. Since I have come here about two weeks now, I have resolved to really do something about them. Being on here regularly makes me keep it up which I have not done till now. My wife is a lot better to me and even wants sex but will not admit it. I know if I ask she wont refuse now but its still too early. If I give in now she will go back to her ways and annoy me.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> She's a decent mom. She can survive so long as someone is giving her money, ie. me (alimony and child support). She just won't have a very fulfilling life if it ever gets to that point. The kids are her sole purpose in life right now (I got thrown off the bus) so when they grow up and leave, she's going to be lost.


No she is not a decent mom. She is presenting her warped version of marriage to your kids as sustainable and, on the surface, a good thing (as you are not imposing consequences on her).


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

This is sad; however, some people are like this. They never seem to really grown up and take on adult responsibility. Maybe she learned from her mother to stop being a wife and just being a mother. Some women do that - they forget all about their husbands after the kids are born.

Sounds like you don't have much of a choice in this matter. When you get the money, sounds like you need to divorce. Pay her what the court owes you and be there for your children. She will probably flounder and have problems all her life, since she cannot seem to take on adult responsibility, but you need to go on with your life and be happy.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Also, call her bluff about taking the kids away. Courts don't usually allow people to do that. She is just trying to bluff you into staying. Why not? She doesn't have to do anything, gets her bills paid, roof over her head, etc. She knows you won't do anything but threaten.

Save the money and divorce her. Don't live like this anymore.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

DTO said:


> No she is not a decent mom. She is presenting her warped version of marriage to your kids as sustainable and, on the surface, a good thing (as you are not imposing consequences on her).


I get that but what "consequences" am I supposed to impose on her? She's a freaking adult...am I supposed to take her car keys from her if she doesn't pull her weight? I don't want to live with a spouse that way. I'd rather have out.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

tennisstar said:


> Also, call her bluff about taking the kids away. Courts don't usually allow people to do that. She is just trying to bluff you into staying. Why not? She doesn't have to do anything, gets her bills paid, roof over her head, etc. She knows you won't do anything but threaten.
> 
> Save the money and divorce her. Don't live like this anymore.


Yeah, I've been told that by a few folks...that courts usually WILL restrict moving. She was getting advice from her parents "friend" attorney in another state and that's what he kept saying. I thought it was bs but in order to file uncontested, we would have to agree on all that and we couldn't. So I am going to save up and file contested. Hopefully by summer it'll all be over. I just hate it for my poor kids. On again, off again....I'm sure the damage is done. Hopefully as they get older they'll understand better.

Sad thing is I feel really guilty about divorcing her. I feel like I'm abandoning a helpless child or something. And she responds just that way...cries and says "What if I don't have money to buy groceries???" She's just so clueless. Of course the answer is get a job but she sees the world as a teenager. Somebody please take care of me so I don't have to have any responsibility in life.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Sounds like she's playing the victim and trying to make you feel guilty. She isn't interested in how you feel and being happy in the marriage. She just wants a "daddy" who can take care of her. If she was interested in the marriage and your feelings, she would try to work on these things. She apparently doesn't care, as long as you pay the bills. Sounds like a parent/child relationship to me. 

Does she have any friends or know any women who work and make it on their own? If so, you can give them as examples. 

I agree you shouldn't have to "punish" an adult. Maybe the best thing for her is to learn to live on her own and make it on her own. She may one day be better for it. Maybe she'll never be able to make it - but that's not your problem. Your responsibility is to take care of your kids.

Get a divorce, move on and be happy. Why spend life so unhappy with someone you obviously don't want to be with? I would suggest counseling and working on the marriage if it sounded like there was hope, but there doesn't seem to be any hope here. She isn't going to change, and you don't love her the way she is.


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## vanessa365 (Aug 17, 2012)

It's incredible that a woman wouldn't pull her weight in. My mom always told me to work side by side with my man, never be stingy, don't let him carry all the burden. But she also told me if I did that my husband wouldn't step all over me. save something on the side and if he treats you bad you have something in case you wanna leave him.


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## tennisstar (Dec 19, 2011)

Beachguy, what are you going to do? Give another year of your life to this woman or start the process? It sucks that it will probably cost you so much, but you either give up and have a totally miserable life or get it over and done. I feel for you. I couldn't stand dealing with anyone like you describe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

BeachGuy said:


> I couldn't agree with you more. I was a huge enabler for many years. But I thought when I actually showed her papers, separated, etc., she'd wake up. Wrong.


I'm not sure she knows how to wake up? Really some people just don't get it. Any way you cut it though, your kids will eventually grow up and that part holding you there will not be a problem. They will likely want to say where they grew up or at least most do.

My dad has a similar problem but then he's almost 70 now so I guess he thinks it's too late to start over. Plus he was one of those guys who can tolerate a lot because married life suites him. The problem often is it get worse over time. Now he does pretty much everything inside and out of the house.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Lets do a double blind test here. 

I describe a relationship where one of the spouses has created a situation where: 
- They do not have to put any effort into the marriage
- They have completely manipulated their spouse into being a virtual servant 
- Quietly they marvel at how they have gradually been able to get away with murder on an open ended basis

Who is the "adult" in this relationship? 

The "adult" is the person with power. In this case it is not you. She may be a "bad" adult, but she IS the adult. 




BeachGuy said:


> First of all, I'm not looking for advice on how to "fix" the spouse who is the child as is my case. I'm convinced it can't be changed.
> 
> Just looking for others to discuss this and the related frustrations we probably share. Namely lack of intimacy. I've so given up on being happy in my marriage. Ever.
> 
> ...


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

MEM11363 said:


> Lets do a double blind test here.
> 
> I describe a relationship where one of the spouses has created a situation where:
> - They do not have to put any effort into the marriage
> ...


Having power hardly makes one an "adult". That makes zero sense.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

My ex was like that to a T. At first the innocence and naivety was endearing but it progressively became unbearable.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Lets do a double blind test here.
> 
> I describe a relationship where one of the spouses has created a situation where:
> - They do not have to put any effort into the marriage
> ...


Can't agree with this at all.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Sounds like PA behaviour to me.

My husband married his mummy, I've always been independant, always worked. I didn't mind spoiling him in our first fews years together, I taught him how to cook, he rode motorbikes, restored old vehicles, but little less in regards to our relationship as I realised as the years went by, it was ok when we were young & childless busy having fun, didn't notice his downfalls, didn't worry about kids was told I couldn't have kids (ovary damage) but 6 years down the track it happened.

It was then I realised he wasn't husband or father material, no responsibility, non confrontational, no decisions, no communication in regards to issue's, no cooking, no helping with anything. Just never grew up, thought he would.

I believed in marriage & I fought for it, he just doesn't get it, we have a really sick kid, I no longer work, I feel trapped.

Hence my user name, do as I have done, if you chose to stay, make your own life as I have done. That makes me happy.

They don't change.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Needpeace said:


> Sounds like PA behaviour to me.
> 
> My husband married his mummy, I've always been independant, always worked. I didn't mind spoiling him in our first fews years together, I taught him how to cook, he rode motorbikes, restored old vehicles, but little less in regards to our relationship as I realised as the years went by, it was ok when we were young & childless busy having fun, didn't notice his downfalls, didn't worry about kids was told I couldn't have kids (ovary damage) but 6 years down the track it happened.
> 
> ...


You are so right NP. When they say it takes two to make a marriage work they don't mean it takes two wanting it to work or hoping it will work or saying they're trying to make it work.

It means each spouse has to be responsible and step up to the plate and be the things a husband and father or a wife and mother need to be. Words are meaningless without actions reinforcing them.

It would be hard for me to love my wife if I didn't respect her.


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> You are so right NP. When they say it takes two to make a marriage work they don't mean it takes two wanting it to work or hoping it will work or saying they're trying to make it work.
> 
> It means each spouse has to be responsible and step up to the plate and be the things a husband and father or a wife and mother need to be. Words are meaningless without actions reinforcing them.
> 
> It would be hard for me to love my wife if I didn't respect her.


Yes so true, actions scream over the top of words, takes two to tango, when one doesn't *want* to learn the tango the other gets extremely tired of dragging them around the dance floor.

Even though my H had such a lack of respect for our marriage I continued to give it, so undeserving of that respect, I stopped giving, stopped enabling him to use that respect & love against me, love has withered away.

I take the hard love approach as you would a child, I have boundaries, he has his responsibilities I refuse to come into, if he doesn't face up to them he cops the consequences, I don't bail him out. I have been doing this for many years now but it's a constant guard, if I drop the ball & he grabs it he bounces me around to his own rythme, no taking my eye's off that ball.

PA's are very difficult to love, they sabotage, cause major chaos, if you allow them too they will have you in knots.


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