# D-Day #2?



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Last night, I finally got it out of him. My H admitted to having sex with the woman that he *is* cheating on me with. He refuses to stop talking to her (she is out of the country for another 12 days). He told me he has no plans on stopping. I don't know what to do. I thought we were making progress. I just feel pain over and over.


----------



## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

Ouch, sorry you are going through this, learning it was a PA hurts, I know, I have been there.

YOU, were probably making progress, he wasn't and it doesn't sound like he wants too. 

You have no choice but to start taking care of you and looking out for yourself. You obviously cannot reconcile if he refuses to break contact. Until he breaks contact you really have nothing to work on, it takes two committed people to reconcile.


----------



## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

IS she married? 

Have you exposed her ? have you posted her on cheaterville?


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

he's told you he has no plans on stopping? Well that's all you need to know I'm afraid. He's showing you a complete lack of respect so now you need to look after yourself, he won't do it. Let her have him, once he's with her it'll just create a vacancy

Show him the door, tell him to go and be with her if that's what he wants, then you can focus on yourself


----------



## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> he's told you he has no plans on stopping? Well that's all you need to know I'm afraid. He's showing you a complete lack of respect so now you need to look after yourself, he won't do it. Let her have him, once he's with her it'll just create a vacancy
> 
> Show him the door, tell him to go and be with her if that's what he wants, then you can focus on yourself


:iagree:


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Meomers: Do you think that your husband's behaviors and actions today are directly related to the 3 month affair you had back in 2009? I'm wondering if he never got over it and this is either a revenge or exit affair in his part. I wouldn't be surprised if he might be trying to cause you the same pain and hurt that he felt when you had a lover (I'm not saying that it's right). I can't help but feel it's related. The real sad thing is that there is now a child involved. Have you had any conversations about this?


----------



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

The Middleman said:


> Meomers: Do you think that your husband's behaviors and actions today are directly related to the 3 month affair you had back in 2009? I'm wondering if he never got over it and this is either a revenge or exit affair in his part. I wouldn't be surprised if he might be trying to cause you the same pain and hurt that he felt when you had a lover (I'm not saying that it's right). I can't help but feel it's related. The real sad thing is that there is now a child involved. Have you had any conversations about this?


I have questioned this. When we were together, there were no indications. We talked about it, he had said he had forgiven me. We never really raised the issue. 

He had come to me and told me he needed space. He needed it for our marriage, he didn't want a divorce but he was really depressed. I had tried talking to him but to no avail. This was on July 5th. The next day he essentially said the same thing, he was willing to do anything it took to work on us except counseling and that he still loved me. It was about two weeks later that I found it. When he confronted me on that knowledge, he said that he didn't love me anymore and there was nothing that could be done.

As for the OW, she is a girl really. 21, not married. She has been out of the country since the end of august. She is coming back in less than two weeks. Everything that happened, he claims happened between july 5th and August 23rd. The night I found out, I talked to his mom. I told her everything. I think it might have been a bad idea. I think she has been trying to cover up for him.

There really isn't anyone else to expose to. My family knows. My closest friends know.

Yesterday, I hit my breaking point. He dropped off our son. He had been using my car because I can't until Jan and the vehicle he was using broke down. I took my keys back and told him I was filing for divorce. It isn't a ploy to get him to come back. I love my husband so much but I can't be in this limbo anymore and I don't know what else to do. I have broken off all contact with him. I know that this could drive him into her arms, I just need something else. I need to not feel like some girl is more important than his family. I can't believe is still choosing her over us.


----------



## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Well, I'm not a psychologist but it seems to me that he is "Getting Even" with you either consciously or sub-consciously. I think he wants you to hurt as much as he did.


----------



## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

meowmers said:


> *I need to not feel like some girl is more important than his family. I can't believe is still choosing her over us*.


That's probably how your husband felt when you had your affair.
Because you both didn't address your affair, it's been festering all this time.
Rug sweeping is toxic to relationships, there are too many unresolved issues that ultimately crop up again.
Until your own affair is dealt with, he's not even going to consider his own conduct.
A therapist is much needed to help sort through all of the issues in your marriage.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

meowmers said:


> Last night, I finally got it out of him. My H admitted to having sex with the woman that he *is* cheating on me with. He refuses to stop talking to her (she is out of the country for another 12 days). He told me he has no plans on stopping. I don't know what to do. I thought we were making progress. I just feel pain over and over.


Throw him out!!


----------



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

Phenix70 said:


> That's probably how your husband felt when you had your affair.
> Because you both didn't address your affair, it's been festering all this time.
> Rug sweeping is toxic to relationships, there are too many unresolved issues that ultimately crop up again.
> Until your own affair is dealt with, he's not even going to consider his own conduct.
> A therapist is much needed to help sort through all of the issues in your marriage.


You are absolutely on the button. He refused counseling at the time, still is. I had NC with the AP, gave him all of my passwords, my phone was always out in the open. I honestly thought we had moved past it. We never talked about it though I talked to him but he never really communicated back. When he told me he had forgiven me, I thought we were moving forward. 

Although he refused MC, I still went to IC. I still am. I don't really know what else I could have done.


----------



## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Show him that his conduct is unbecoming and that it is time to leave. You have a new life ahead of you!


----------



## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Ultimatum time...........he has to make a choice, and now, you and his marriage....or OW!

See how he reacts to that firstly.


----------



## CH (May 18, 2010)

divorce


----------



## meowmers (Dec 10, 2009)

He knows that I will never take his child away. I have said this and he knows it. I moved out at the end of August. I told him that he had to choose. Fell on deaf ears. He didn't seem to react at all. So...I don't know. Maybe I am choosing to divorce to quickly. I have been stuck in my head all day today. A big thing is that while my son is still young, I keep thinking of the implications for him. All day today he as asked for his dad. I can't seem to comfort him through it. Eventually he gets distracted and does something else. I know it is probably because he spends more time at my home and he does the same thing at his dad's. 

For now, I guess I just wait...just for a little while longer.


----------

