# when do teenagers go back to normal?



## isla~mama

My oldest is nearly 15 and over the past year has had a massive change in personality. He used to enjoy spending time with me, we shared various pastimes, had conversations, watched news/ TV together etc.. 

Suddenly he wants nothing to do with me and is extremely short tempered and cynical. If his sisters approach him, he barks at them to go away. He has NOTHING good to say about anything or anyone. He is abrasive & abrupt but stops short of being outright disrespectful.

Will I ever get my sweet, nice son back or is he gone for good? He's not and never has been abused or mistreated. He is socially isolated (most of his friends are online) but insists he prefers things that way. 

Other than the extreme cynicism and rudeness he's well behaved, does a huge amount of chores around the house (by choice, & we pay him for it), no drugs, booze, sex, porn (I know all his online activity-- it's just VGs). 

And that's another thing, I find it a little weird that a teenage boy *isn't* trying to look at porn, but that's another thread...


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## that_girl

Are you sure no drugs? That was my attitude when I was on drugs...I just didn't see it at the time.

And they go back to "normal" around early 20s. lol. 

It is normal for teens to pull away from parents to become their own person...but the disrespect and his attitude change just scream drugs to me...or something else he's hiding.

He could be sexually frustrated as well. At 15, he's sexually mature...and we all know what teenaged boys think about 30/10 LOL


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## that_girl

But tell him how you feel. that you love him and miss his sweet disposition. He may blow you off, but he'll hear you.


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## mgperkow

I'm still young enough to remember something of being that age (but old enough to have learned plenty from the experiences). I think I recall experiencing a lot of outward personality changes when I started to suffer worse from anxiety and depression. Becoming withdrawn and being irritable can be signs of such problems, as can a high degree of social isolation. I didn't know at the time that I was ill, either. I just thought life was miserable and hopeless, and I hardly ever felt good about it, so I tended to lash out. Of course, I'm no professional, so I'm not in a position to formally evaluate the behavior you're describing, but I do have my own experiences to draw from. If you're able to establish any dialogue with him at all, maybe ask him how he's been feeling, how school has been. Try to get some sense of how he views his world. If it seems like he might be depressed, you might want to consider seeking professional evaluation.


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## 827Aug

Define "normal". lol I'm a mom to a 22 year old son and two 18 year old daughters. They've all had quite different phases. Unfortunately, I think their behavior has been greatly influenced by what has gone on with our family life. Their dad basically abandoned me, destroyed a lucrative business, and has done some rather bizarre things. It's been tough on them.

My son has always been a sweetheart to me and very respectful. At age 16 he acted like a 30 year old. He doesn't do drugs, alcohol, or soft drinks. However, he is socially awkward and had really rather have alone time. While he has been known to look at porn, he rarely dates (if at all).

My twin daughters are as different as night and day. One has always been quiet and reserved. She's easy going and has never been the typical teenager. My other daughter has been more like what you are seeing with your son's behavior. Around age 14 she became angry and disrespectful. Now at age 18, she is finally maturing and getting to be more enjoyable to be around. I still believe she is having bouts with mild depression though. You may want to have your son evaluated for depression and anxiety disorders. That could be contributing to his teenage moodiness.

Good luck!


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## nice777guy

isla~mama said:


> My oldest is nearly 15 and over the past year has had a massive change in personality. He used to enjoy spending time with me, we shared various pastimes, had conversations, watched news/ TV together etc..
> 
> Suddenly he wants nothing to do with me and is extremely short tempered and cynical. If his sisters approach him, he barks at them to go away. He has NOTHING good to say about anything or anyone. He is abrasive & abrupt but stops short of being outright disrespectful.
> 
> Will I ever get my sweet, nice son back or is he gone for good? He's not and never has been abused or mistreated. He is socially isolated (most of his friends are online) but insists he prefers things that way.
> 
> Other than the extreme cynicism and rudeness he's well behaved, does a huge amount of chores around the house (by choice, & we pay him for it), no drugs, booze, sex, porn (I know all his online activity-- it's just VGs).
> 
> And that's another thing, I find it a little weird that a teenage boy *isn't* trying to look at porn, but that's another thread...


Sorry - hard not to laugh a bit!!!

I remember my mother threatening to ground me from watching David Letterman at that age - somehow thinking I'd gotten my sarcasm from him!!!

And I also remember wanting to put a lot of distance between myself and my parents. I just didn't want to feel like a "kid" anymore - or be treated like one either. My mother tended to want to "baby" me a bit - so I pushed away.

As for social isolation - I wonder if any of us older folks (I just hit 40) can really compare our teenage years to what your son's is like. Such a different world with Facebook and Twitter. Seems people would rather interact electronically than in person.

At that age - I spent a lot of time on the phone talking to girls! Teenagers today don't seem to use their phones to talk much.

I think a lot of it sounds natural. As to if or when he'll come back - who knows. Sounds like he's still a good person (no drugs, alcohol, etc.)

Just wondering though - as for porn - what would you do if you found evidence of it? Has he gotten in trouble at home with porn before? Truly could be some "frustration" there on his part...


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## isla~mama

Thanks for the replies. I'm 99% sure there's no drug use. All he looks at online are VG forums, VG blogs, VG news sites, and plays the VGs themselves. 

"Normal" would be that he would actually have a conversation with me! Whenever I drive him somewhere the silence is deafening.

I have told him what I'm thinking/ asked him if he is depressed or if there's anything else wrong. He just scoffed at me and told me I'm too sensitive.


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## isla~mama

that_girl said:


> And they go back to "normal" around early 20s. lol.


Thanks, that gives me some hope. :smthumbup:



> He could be sexually frustrated as well. At 15, he's sexually mature...and we all know what teenaged boys think about 30/10 LOL


I hate to speculate about his frustrations on a public message board but he doesn't seem to have any interest in the opposite gender (or his gender). If he does, he's kept it very closely guarded.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

My daughter will be 18 in under 2 months. We've had out ups and downs and lots of drama! This year seems to be the toughest yet. She thinks that once she turns 18, that she'll be able to do whatever she wants. It's going to be a big wake up call when the same rules apply as they always have.

My daughter is joining the National Guard or Army this spring. She doesn't want a huge college debt and we certainly can not afford her schooling. She has yet to decide what she wants to major in. There are 3 fields she's interested in. It will be very hard to see her go.

Sorry, I have no clue. My daughter's big change happened at 13. She's never been the same since.


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## Amplexor

isla~mama said:


> Thanks, that gives me some hope. :smthumbup:


Coincides with paying their own cellular bill, car payment, insurance.....


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## that_girl

My daughter is 12 1/2 and we talk often about things.

I was a good teenager, good at hiding my fun too 

Does your son have a man he can talk to? Maybe that would help...


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## isla~mama

He's even worse with his dad and always has been-- I've never understood why exactly because my husband is harmless.


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## Runs like Dog

27 is the new 18


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## working_together

My son was similar at that age, kind of snarky and rude at times. He's almost 22 now, and he's a great guy...still a kid sometimes, but pleasant to be around.

My daughter who's only 6, oh boy, I am in for some major drama with her, she's already got a little "diva" in her. She's making clothes (cutting old stuff). I have to tone her down, and I said to my friend "where does she get that from?", my friend looked at me, and rolled her eyes, I said "are you kidding, I'm not like that".


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## LaxUF

This may be a bit long because it is a topic that I have researched for several years because I am a single mom of an almost 15 year old boy.... I had no clue what to expect because I don't have boy parts... duh!  He and I are very close but he has always had a tendency to internalize emotions unless it is something that he is really struggling with to handle on his own then he will gradually open up. 

My son was concerned about being significantly smaller than the other boys and his doctor said that most boys that are thin & lanky will hit puberty a little later than others but when it does it will be dramatic and appear to happen overnight. He also cautioned that the rush & fluctuation of hormones would also bring emotional & mental changes. He was right on target... 

My son is almost a year younger than the students in his grade and is also a bit of "late bloomer" as compared to the majority of other boys in our area (they breed 'em tall & muscular 'round these parts). We discussed this odd demographic with his doctor and his hypothesis on the physical differences was based largely on the socio-economic influence of our area... we are by no means wealthy but we are fortunate enough to live in a small community where the vast majority of its residents are very affluent & many are current or former professional athletes... the pros bring the "genetic stock" and the others can afford to 'sponsor" disadvantaged but highly gifted/talented athletes to attend our schools. That influence produces more money, status, quality athletic programs, academic opportunities, attention from universities, etc... You would think our public schools are private institutions with their manicured landscaping, grand architecture, athletic facilities, stadiums, auditoriums, AP & fine arts programs... its really astounding. (we are REALLY lucky)

Being a perfectly "normal awkward teenager" is challenging on it's own... hormones are all over the place, trying to develop autonomy, adapting to who they used to be & trying to determine who they are as a person, where they fit in, physical changes that may be happening too soon or too slow by their wishes... watching their peers advance faster or better than they are. I imagine it must be especially difficult for boys given their rapid onset & societal expectations.

I've watched my son like a hawk for the past few years for signs and clues about hitting puberty. In the past 8 months he has grown over a foot, his voice changed, is just now starting to get acne, and grow under arm & facial hair. The hardest thing to accept is that my sweet & incredibly intelligent boy is now sometimes dumber than a box of rocks.... and oh my goodness he has also become the laziest, messiest human I have ever met. His stress levels are huge; heavy academic load, sports, church (a new interest he chose on his own) & social commitments... throw in emotional/physical changes and he is real life Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde...he is mostly the good Dr. Jekyll but the unstable Mr. Hyde spills over at some point.

Don't worry about your son's apparent (or seemingly) lack of interest in his sexuality. When we first started our "education" of the changes my son would be going through he refused to even Google "puberty" without me. He was afraid he'd click on the wrong website and accidentally infect his computer with a virus. I encouraged his concern but also added that I wouldn't want him to stumble across anything that would be inaccurate/unhealthy, too much for him to handle or understand. 

He is just now starting to become a little more vocal & curious about females (huge crush on Sophia Vergara - I think it is so cute)... but he doesn't advertise it because he thinks that is "just so wrong & embarrassing to discuss with your mother". I look at it as opening to push his buttons by teasing & joking with him so he knows that I'm open to him & no topic is too taboo to discuss with me. (Humor is the best medicine for so many reasons.) 

Not long ago he was visiting his dad & stumbled across a playboy... his dad went looking for him, asked what was taking him so long & my son said "nothing!" and fled the room. His dad and I had a good giggle about it and I was "given the honor" of bringing it up. I told him it was perfectly normal for him to be curious & he had nothing to be embarrassed about. He told me that he wasn't embarrassed but instead he was scared to death his dad was gonna kill him. I laughed and told him that we were actually kinda proud of the milestone. :smthumbup: He was then able to laugh about it and described how terrified he was when his dad found him & more so when he didn't say a word about it... like he was waiting for the hammer to drop at any minute. 

Socially... he has maintained his very small circle of friends since first grade most of which are very academic & athletic. He has one friend that is not athletic and has generally preferred to stay inside & play video games but will "break out of his shell" on occasion - he is the more "artistic right brain" of the bunch. If my son was like him I would probably worry a lot about social isolation and its impact on cognitive development... It reminds me of Harlow's Rhesus monkey experiment (baby failed to thrive without social & companion contact). 

I am a huge advocate of athletic sports not only for the social aspects but for the physical benefits as well. Studies have shown that hormone levels are better regulated through physical activities. It may be a challenge to persuade a VG teenager to become involved in an activity that is totally foreign to him. They are already feeling awkward & socially withdrawn (aside from their "virtual friends"). 

I think a good building block would be to suggest paint ball. It will incorporate his interest of "virtual games" with a bonding team activity that you could do with him plus it has physical benefits (although it can be grueling & painful if you get nailed). Good luck with your son... I feel your pain. 

Here is an informative article on the develop of an adolescent brain.

http://www.instituteforsafefamilies.org/pdf/theamazingbrain/The_Amazing_Adolescent_Brain.pdf


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## FirstYearDown

Never understood paying children for chores. It is just their duty, not a job that should be compensated for. I know I feel this way because of how I was raised, but I also realize that all parents have their own methods. 

Being a teenager is very difficult and sometimes parents fail to remember that they too went through that same phase and may have been hard to deal with.

Sounds like normal pulling away from family which is necessary for adolescence.

It may also be depression...I went through a huge change at 17 after a child whom I loved passed away. I stopped going to school, eating or laughing. I cried a lot and slept all the time. My principal told my parents it might be drugs, but I was just in a lot of pain and punishing my parents for not allowing me to have a normal social life. I wasn't allowed to date or go to parties; my parents just expected me to stay home, keep quiet and do chores ALL THE TIME. Now my mom realizes that she was much too strict.


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## that_girl

I pay for chores without attitude. But not for cleaning her room.

She does lots of extra stuff. But if she doesn't, she doesn't get paid. I haven't had to pay her for 2 months :rofl:

But we don't give her money for things on the side. Either she earns it or she doesnt' have it. Too bad for her.


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## anotherguy

I have changed my attitudes on allowence a little bit. I do think that certain things should be expected... without compensation.

I also think than.. just like I have money to spend every week... and my wife... that kids deserve some to 1) give them a little freedom 2) Learn how to deal with money and 3) include them in the family finances.

But whatever. As long as you are consistent.. and the kids know what the rules are..I think there are a variety of ways to make it work.

off topic, sorry.


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## GTdad

In response to the question in the thread title, my oldest two are 23 and 21, and mostly human again.


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## LadyFrog

isla~mama said:


> My oldest is nearly 15 and over the past year has had a massive change in personality. He used to enjoy spending time with me, we shared various pastimes, had conversations, watched news/ TV together etc..
> 
> Suddenly he wants nothing to do with me and is extremely short tempered and cynical. If his sisters approach him, he barks at them to go away. He has NOTHING good to say about anything or anyone. He is abrasive & abrupt but stops short of being outright disrespectful.
> 
> Will I ever get my sweet, nice son back or is he gone for good? He's not and never has been abused or mistreated. He is socially isolated (most of his friends are online) but insists he prefers things that way.
> 
> Other than the extreme cynicism and rudeness he's well behaved, does a huge amount of chores around the house (by choice, & we pay him for it), no drugs, booze, sex, porn (I know all his online activity-- it's just VGs).
> 
> And that's another thing, I find it a little weird that a teenage boy *isn't* trying to look at porn, but that's another thread...



In a lot of ways you've described my son. He was having a particularly bad afternoon a few weeks ago. I was trying not to lose my temper, when all of a sudden he said, "Sorry, Mom." I said, "That's ok. I know you're just trying to figure out who you are."
He said, "Bingo."

They are going through a tremendous amount of physical and emotional change at that age, along with trying to deal with more societal pressures than I think we ever had.

Just finished an article that said scientists don't think the teenage brain even completely finishes maturing until the late 20's!! They are governed by impulse and what feels good in-the-now.
We just try to let him know that our being angry or upset with him has no impact on our love for him. Whoever he turns out to be, it's ok. I sometimes miss the days when I could pull him onto my lap for a cuddle, but overall am proud of the man he is becoming.


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## sisters359

Start asking his advice on things--show him you respect his developing abilities. If you are thinking about buying a new car in a year or two (or sooner), ask for his input (and tell him what YOUR priorities are--safety, mileage, etc.). You can also just ask his opinions on things that he knows about (if you know enough to ask such questions without sounding stupid; otherwise, he'll think you are just trying to be cool). 

Nothing will improve the relationship more than treating him--at appropriate times--as an adult. He won't admit it, but it will make him feel grown up. Just don't ask too much of him or give him too much responsibility--growing up too fast isn't good, either.


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