# Can a marriage survive sexual incompatibility



## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

My husband's sexdrive is a lot lower than mine. Since us having a child and his career taking off (more stress and responsibility) it has decreased even more, and for me it seems to go in the other direction (I'm 32 by the way, and he is 37). We have addressed all the emotional issues (we talk A LOT) and have had a pretty hard, soul-searching year getting to the bottom of everything. I've struggled with depression a lot and he has felt like he was more of a 'carer' rather than us being a team because he could never predict my moods, that effected his sexdrive a lot. However, I have become very active in using exercise to keep on top of my depression and as I'm feeling more and more fit and confident my sexdrive is going through the roof - his is getting better but still he'd be happy with sex once a week or once every fortnight. I love him so much, and I'm still very sexually attracted to him. My body hasn't changed much in the 8 years we've been together, I'm the same weight as when we got married, only getting more fit now, so that's not the issue, I've always been petite. I just don't know how to deal with my sexdrive being so high? I'm finding myself looking and wishing I could be with attractive guys that I see around. It makes me feel like my husband is more of a 'room-mate' when really he is such an amazing husband. He is very affectionate and loving, he shows me in many ways how much he loves me, he's a great dad etc etc. And when we do have sex it is great and he's passionate and I love it. It seems to be just an incompatibility issue. He simply just doesn't have as high a sex drive as me. He drives 1 1/2 hours to and from work every day, early mornings, high leadership role, lots of stress and I do understand the effect that must have, and he's just exhausted. But can our marriage survive this? How do I learn to live with this? I love love love sex. I masturbate often. Physical touch is essential for me to be happy. I love him, I'm in love with him too, but I guess my needs aren't being met and it just seems like an impossible situation. I worry about the thoughts I have about other guys, I just can't help fantasising about them.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Everyone has these thoughts. Not just women. What you really have to do is to get your H to do sex more often.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

*Dean* said:


> If he works for a good company and could have a good career,
> I strongly suggest you move much closer to his place of work.
> 
> No wonder is sex drive is low!


:iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

If I had a refusing husband when I was feeling THAT way 3 yrs ago, I think it would have destroyed me, then US. My mind was over taken with lustful thoughts. My husband has slowed down sexually over the years, but he still wanted to make love near every day ...he is more Driven by the Emotional connection, over the LUSTY sex drive, where as I had both of those raging -making me near feeling " addicted". This calmed down after a time ...now we are both going at it -more for the emotional -not so much the Lust filled "got to have it right now" or I am "suffering" sex. 


What is your husband's love languages? Yours sound Physical Touch for sure. 

If I was you, I would go out of my way to make sure he got enough sleep every night, get up & cook his breakfast, do everything you can possibly do to alleviate ANY and ALL stress at home, and try, as hard as it may be to keep a positive attitude, as he will find this pleasing when he is home, allowing him to be more Open to some Teasing "play" , flirting, that can lead to some FUN in the bedroom. 

Might have to get a little creative to seduce him, once he is able to leave work behind him -that is . When someone's mind is elsewhere , this kinda puts a fork in everything. My husband is a blue callor worker, when he comes home -his job is of no concern, this helps! 

Not sure about you, but before my Sex drive increase, I didn't do BJ's...but I learned real quick, If I wanted to turn him on, this was my ticket to success! And utilize when HE is most in the mood. Mornings are generally when Men desire Sex the most, even if he has to go to bed at 8 pm, set the alarm an hour earlier - so you & he can go at it before he has to get up & start his day. (We have done this many times)

I bought this book so I could learn how to be a better lover, never hurts to brush up on our skills in the bedroom - so he will want more & more Amazon.com: Passionista: The Empowered Woman's Guide to Pleasuring a Man (9780060834395): Ian Kerner: Books

Also STRESS can lower Testosterone levels, which is our LUST hormone, so this is why it is so very important for the stress level to be kept at a minimum . Some men as they age, may even need Test Replacement if it dips too low, hopefull it is only temporary though. He would have other signs... falling asleep after work, brain fog, even some ED, he wouldn't be able to function as well as he does, but feel himself Dragging- everyday. IF none of that is happening, he is probably Ok. 

How to Increase Testosterone Levels Naturally


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

accept said:


> Everyone has these thoughts. Not just women. What you really have to do is to get your H to do sex more often.


Not to sound like a jerk, but I think that was the OP's question. How to get her H to have da sects.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Men are from Mars. Women are from Did your Mamma Drop You On Your Damn Head?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Runs like Dog said:


> Men are from Mars. Women are from Did your Mamma Drop You On Your Damn Head?


:rofl:


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## s.k (Feb 27, 2010)

If his to tired when he comes back from work try and use different techniques to try and relax him. I would strongly advise that you do not act n the whole issue of other men but talk to him and explain that you dont want it to get to the point where you are finding comfort from another man.


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

Thank you for your advice.

'simplyamorous' I do think you're right that taking away some of his stress would help a great deal. The problem is that I run my own business that I've built up myself, it takes a lot of my time and energy and I don't deal with stress well myself. I get very easily overwhelmed, this makes it very hard to ease his stress. Sex is a stress-reliever for me, and for him it's the opposite. When he's stressed it's the last thing on his mind. The exercise has helped a lot for me, it has taken some of that sexual frustration away. I am actively trying to cut down my hours so that I can be more of a calm support for him, it makes sense as I still get to do what I love, and he earns the most. 
I would love to do more to seduce him etc, and he has said he's open to me planning date-nights at the weekend, but the problem is that before we had all these open/honest talks I got rejected so many times and so seducing him is not sexy at all. It's filled with self-doubt and wondering 'does he really want to' or does he feel pressured to keep going. I've read up on bj's and he was very excited about that as he saw a great improvement  and I'm a very open and adventerous person when it comes to sex - maybe I feel like the idea of being with other guys is so exciting because it's not so complicated?
He had his testosterone levels tested and they came back normal. I'd say it's the stress and driving, and dealing with a wife who doesn't cope well with stress at all - I don't think he feels that home is always that safe place to land because he worries whether I've dealt with my day ok, or if it's all been to overwhelming etc. Writing it out I can see that it's pretty obvious that I need to reduce my own stress A LOT so that I can make our home that 'safe place to relax'.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

awake11 said:


> Sex is a stress-reliever for me, and for him it's the opposite.


 I think I could say the same thing about my husband accually, Stress kills him too but at least when he leaves work, it stays there, this helps. 

I bought this one book on sex drives - 10 types explained, even has one on the "stressed" Libido. Amazon.com: When Your Sex Drives Don't Match: Discover Your Libido Types to Create a Mutually Satisfying Sex Life (9781569242711): Sandra Pertot: Books



> 10 libido types discussed....
> Sensual
> Erotic
> Compulsive
> ...





> I would love to do more to seduce him etc, and he has said he's open to me planning date-nights at the weekend, but the problem is that before we had all these open/honest talks I got rejected so many times and so seducing him is not sexy at all.


 Well, you did say this was BEFORE your open /honest talks. If you could hear how me & my husband missed each other because we weren't talking, well, what a rediculous situation that was! The opening up in communication is something to be praised, try to not look back where you was before, you did say it was HONEST and he expressed he wants the date nights, he was very excited about the Bj's. Sounds encouraging to me. Push that self doubt out, remind yourself this was "the past" -push through it. 

I know it is not easy but it is doable. Baby steps. 



> He had his testosterone levels tested and they came back normal.


 Normal is a huge range, from 250 clear to 1100 by some lab standards, some men who have levels in the 250- 450 range -this is like a Gray area for some - may even be Low enough for treatment if their #s have fallen significantly in a short time -but he would have been feeling this and likely complaining something was wrong. If that is not going on ,he is probably fine. 



> I'd say it's the stress and driving, and dealing with a wife who doesn't cope well with stress at all - I don't think he feels that home is always that safe place to land because he worries whether I've dealt with my day ok, or if it's all been to overwhelming etc. Writing it out I can see that it's pretty obvious that I need to reduce my own stress A LOT so that I can make our home that 'safe place to relax'.


 Yes, writing things out, expressing our feelings can be like a revelation of what we already know , we often answer our own questions many times. Yeah, a safer place for him to land, this would be very helpful for his own moods and stress level. 

What can help you, a little better time management, some outside help, doing a little less somewhere else? Gather a plan , write it out.


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

Thank you so much for your reply, I will definitely buy that book. I do think we are moving in the right direction, but the steps have been tiny and I'm probably just getting impatient. The exercise has allowed me to step back and take the pressure of him, which in turn made his sexdrive slowly come back, and last time we had sex he initiated it, which was great. It is about 3 weeks ago now, so although the situation is improving I just get extremely impatient because if it was up to me we'd have sex almost every day. He is definitely happier when I'm happy and coping well. I do need to come up with a good plan that stops me from getting overwhelmed by housework and too much work. Part of it is also me learning to adapt to a relationship that's different than before having a child. I used to be his 'everything', he loved 'looking after me', was extremely affectionate etc, now his job is more demanding, he's a wonderful Dad and there's just not that time or attention left over that he used to have for me. I can't stop thinking about experiencing that excitement and passion at the beginning of a relationship so I keep almost developing 'crushes' on guys around me, fantasising about being with them. I'm not sure where the line is with these fantasises. Obviously keeping them fantasies and not acting on them, but is it ok to fantasise about being with guys that you see often, that are in your everyday life? Is it the same as having an emotional affair?


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## leelo (Dec 6, 2011)

I don't like having sex with my wife.

She is, however, in an opposite situation: she gained a lot of weight a few years back and her job takes up all of her time (she's a teacher) and makes her tired and stressed. That has led to apathy is other areas of her life (exercise, going out, vacation, housework, etc.). And I see more and more difference in what we believe and think about the world and other people. All of this adds up to "A Fat Chick that Lives in my House that I Don't Like."
But she has verbalized her concern over the fact that I am not just crazy mad in lust over her. I don't get to say to her, "Well you're a big fat boring *****." Mostly because that's incredibly rude and hurtful, but it's the primal raw version of the feeling I have.

So I say all that to say that something else may be the problem. If you are as petite and fit (which I'm only assuming translates into "attractive") as you say, and as horny as a porn star, something else must be going on.
Are there areas in your relationship where things aren't working out? He harbors some resentment toward you? You never did like the way he treats your family? There are loads of variables to be explored here, and I lean toward the idea that your husband's lack of sexual intimacy has roots elsewhere.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> It is about 3 weeks ago now, so although the situation is improving I just get extremely impatient because if it was up to me we'd have sex almost every day.


 Going 3 weeks without a sexual connection, I can see why you are so impatient, that is tooooo long! I'd be going out of my mind if I was you. DO you have any idea if he is taking care of himself ? I really think masterbation should only be used when one partner is wanting it MORE than the other - and if that partner is the high sex driven partner, but when the Higher drive partner is left wanting /which is suffering , the lower drive spouse should save for their spouse. Have you & he ever talked about this? Just a thought, not too many men would want to go this long without a release as these things build up !



> I can't stop thinking about experiencing that excitement and passion at the beginning of a relationship so I keep almost developing 'crushes' on guys around me, fantasising about being with them. I'm not sure where the line is with these fantasises. Obviously keeping them fantasies and not acting on them, but is it ok to fantasise about being with guys that you see often, that are in your everyday life? Is it the same as having an emotional affair?


 It makes sense your mind is wondering to these places ---since you are not getting refreshed at home the way it used to be, you are missing the romance & emotional connection. It has become crushing and a fantasy life is somehow inviting now. 

I can understand the temptation for your thoughts to go there, the problem with it is...lets say one of these crush's gets a little flirty down the line, then ever more temptation is thrown into the mix and a possible slippery slope is born. It takes our thoughts away from our spouses & working on our restoring what is missing. 

Here is another book I enjoyed...about getting the spark back in our marriage...it is about "having an affair" with our spouses. 

Amazon.com: Kosher Adultery: Seduce and Sin with Your Spouse (9781580627924): Shmuley Boteach: Books


You'll have to excuse me, I am a book aholic.


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

Leelo, yes there's other stuff going on, as mentioned I have suffered a lot from depression, still do, but am currently managing it pretty well with exercise. Only this year has he opened up to me about the resentment and feeling like he has been more of a carer because he had to walk on eggshells, not knowing what my moods would be like and whether I'd be coping well that day or not when he came home from work. Other issues also include a perception change for him when we had our daughter... suddenly he saw me more as our daugther's mother than his wife, I also had problems after giving birth with a lot of pain with sex, which made sex impossible for the first year, and made it quite challenging for another 2 years really, I still wanted to have sex as it was only painful for a little bit when he entered, but he felt like he was hurting me and I think it took all the passion out of it for him. Things are so much better in that area now, like 90% better, but I think the lack of sex has just become a habit. Then just as things were improving he hurt his back really bad and that set us back too. I feel as close to 100% as I can about him not having affair and not being gay, I have asked him directly and really there are no signs whatsoever. The depression that I've suffered is definitely the main factor. He definitely is a typical man in that he's very visual and although I haven't changed much physically (have always been between 50-54 kilos) I'm noticing a big change lately as I've gotten very active with exercise and am starting to become very toned, he has mentioned that more than big boobs etc he is more attracted to an athletic, toned body and I can tell that he's looking at me more and giving me more compliments. I am excited to see what 2 weeks of no stress and work over Christmas does to his sex-drive. I feel that we have worked through a lot of the resentment issues and we now just need a chance to reconnect. In the meantime though I have to be super patient and it's nice to come here and get it off my chest. Last night as we were hugging naked in bad I just felt like I was about to explode, but he can't take himself there when has work early in the morning etc. 3 weeks go buy easily without sex because he's pretty much said to not even approach it (so that I don't get hurt by rejection) in the week, so weekends are the only 'ok zone' for sex, then one week I might be on my period and I think he very much views that as everything being off the cards, eventhough I could still do stuff to him etc. Then one week he might be studying as he's also doing extra studies on top of his busy job. It all just comes down to stress, stress, stress. I want to be with him so badly, and when he's not wanting to I just end up fantasising about other guys and I get a lot of attention from guys when I go out, it's very easy to imagine what could happen if I let it.

Simpyamorous, I love the book recommendations, keep them coming  THANK YOU. I love to read and have not been able to find anything that has really helped yet. I have asked him directly both in writing and face to face if he masturbates and he says that he doesn't do it very often. He might do it quickly in the shower just to get the release before work (but he gets up at 4am and I'm not sure I'd be in the mood then to be honest), it's not something he does to porn a lot or anything like that. I know that he can be a very very sexual person, very adventorous and can take charge and be so very sexy and amazing in bed. I think with the depression issues, resentment over that etc he's build up some sort of coping mechanism to not be sexual and now we need to break down that wall again. I need to be patient, because he really WANTS to get sex back in to our lives and he's doing all the right things, just very very slowly. 6 months ago I also did slip and kiss a guy, which I told him about, I understand that I need to accept the consequences of this too, and that this would be very very hard for him to deal with, and again he'll need time. He has dealt with it very well and seems to understand that it was a result of our situation, not to make excuses I know I did an unforgivable thing and I know it's huge and I should have mentioned it in my post earlier. I just feel overall that is not the issue we are dealing with at the moment, it's the stress and his resentment over my depression which is slowly being resolved. I think it's hard for him to let his guard down and truly believe that I am really changing. I am coping SO much better with the exercise, and he probably needs some time to see that it's a longterm change and not just another shortlived fix. Having said all of this, I do wonder when we get back on track, what will that mean... sex once a week? what if that's him in his ideal situation... and what if I would like it everday. He has made it very clear that he will not have sex just because I want it, he needs that emotional connection, so there won't be any compromises there, it will all be about getting his sexdrive as high as it can get once all issues are resolved, I'm just so scared that it won't be enough. Is that too much of a sacrifice to make for me? On the other hand I love him so very much and he provides me with great friendship, love, security, lifestyle, he's a wonderful Dad, he's funny and very intelligent, I love being with someone that I admire and respect, his attitude towards life is very positive and I just really want us to work it out.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> he needs that emotional connection, so there won't be any compromises there


 My husband is completely like this, he is NOT in overdrive sexually, though he is not as stressed as your husband at all, I make his life as comfortable as humanly possible cause I want alot of sex ! I am greedy in this way, I would plan my schedule around WHATEVER works for him- I would JUMP! .............. So 4am can't work for you? You can't go to bed at 8:00pm on certain nights so you feel refreshed & ready for some action in the middle of the night ? I think I would want to train my sleeping habits for more of that sexual bonding. 

Anything to get you & he more in the sack...this will only help that emotional connection, the more sex you have, so many benefits ....they even say it raises the man's Test levels some, and it surely raises both your dopamine levels ! This can become the new habit. I would think it is a terrible shame for him to be releasing in the shower, not when you are wanting it near 18 times more than he is !! Yikes!! Every time he does that, with his stress level & busyness , he will subdue his sexual urge for another 4-5 days! This is just no good, this is working against what needs to be. 

It does sound from your past, he has been conditioned to take care of himself when you had more issues-when he was walking on those egg shells. Wonderful you are working on yourself so well and have made these positive changes. 

There was a time in our marraige where I was pretty grouchy , when I could not conceive & wanted more children, I put my husbands SPERM over his pleasure , and this was a very hard time for him , it made him feel "rejected" by me, which hurt him, just as your husband may have felt in the past, and now you & he are climbing out of this. It may take some time, but I still think it would be wise to JUMP whenever he is desiring sex - as it shows how far you are willing to go -to be with him ...and really NEED this connection -for the health of your marraige. 

YOu know it is hurting you -that it is one romp in 3 long weeks time. Those fantasies and temptations with other men will fade completely when the 2 of you are being drawn to each other, both feeling wanted , desired, not fearing rejection and living on the emotionally connected "HIGH" that love making brings.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

awake11 said:


> 6 months ago I also did slip and kiss a guy, which I told him about, I understand that I need to accept the consequences of this too, and that this would be very very hard for him to deal with, and again he'll need time. He has dealt with it very well and seems to understand that it was a result of our situation, not to make excuses I know I did an unforgivable thing and I know it's huge and I should have mentioned it in my post earlier. I just feel overall that is not the issue we are dealing with at the moment, it's the stress and his resentment over my depression which is slowly being resolved.


Hi awake ~

Sounds like there's a lot of issues that have been, or are currently, going on. Stress, depression, resentment, and you mentioned a possible EA/PA with another guy. I wouldn't actually minimize the kiss with the other guy. I think that would be pretty devastating to find out from your spouse.

With all of those things brewing around in your marriage/intimacy cauldron, have you ever considered going to MC together? Having an objective third-party who could help facilitate discussing these issues and help you work through them could be beneficial to you both.

Best wishes.


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## Davey Jones Locker (Dec 23, 2011)

Jeez I'm in the same boat, I'm new to this site so please excuse me if I make an error, I found this thread because I'm searching for a solution to saving my second marriage which is really important to me. 

I'm a 33 yr old man in the marriage & it's my 32 yr old wife who has trouble opening up sexually. She doesn't orgasm, no matter what I try to fix this - only orally, & only once. She has always been this way. There is definitely nothing wrong with me!

In the 3 years we've been together, we would average lovemaking once a week / once a fortnight. I tried to sort it out 4 times by trying to determine her feelings & emotions, but with no dice... Now, after our first child, its been 6 months & we've made love 3 times in that time. She still finds it painful & therefore keeps away from me.

I'm not happy in this dull, sexless relationship. I'm not a fool and I know I have much on my shoulders here & much to lose if this marriage fails. Now I love my wife, but I'm becoming distant from her & losing interest in her - she is fit by the way, petite, 32D, but this don't help because she doesn't have any sexual drive at all anymore & its killing me.

I'm a hopeless sick romantic & I've tried lots of different things to rekindle the magic but I notice no spark or even initiation from her - never have. I put it down to exhaustion, the baby is very difficult, teething after breast-feeding difficulties...etc. etc. but the problems were there even before we tied the knot. Oh dear...

The bad news is, I met another woman. She is one of my customers & we see each other often. At first I left any emotional feelings aside & ignored every temptation. But eventually we started to draw near each other. Taking long country walks, getting out shopping, laughing, having fun, I even inscribed her name on a tree... Just like I did for the madam, the difference is she actually loved that gesture. My wife can't even remember where I inscribed her's... This woman, my 
friend, is extremely beautiful & she has a wonderful, deep personality which I have a weakness for. But as of yet, we haven't made love to each other - but we kiss all the time & its great! I've never been kissed like that before by anyone I have known.

We drew so close together to a point now, where I had to make a very difficult decision. I poured my heart out to this friend of mine, & she found herself holding, with great difficulty, onto her countenance, & not beat me up with her brollie.

Being the good girl she is, she advised me to look deep in myself & decide what to do, because she won't play second fiddle - Understandably & I agree with her. I then told her I am going to continue to try & fix this marriage. So we shall agree to remain as friends, which I know will cause trouble but I can't let go of her, I know I must, but I'm starting to fall in love with her.

But I can't afford another divorce it is the greatest pain for one & one's children. I know no other grief more overbearing - not even death, because in death at least there's closure.

I know I'm no angel but I'm trying really hard, please, please can someone help me? I thin I need to pray.

David ;-D


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Davey, what was the connection with your wife like BEFORE the baby? Almost sounds as though you knew she was not very sexual even then?? 

If she is breastfeeding, this often destroys a new Mom's sex drive -it raises her prolactin levels which ...unfortunately lower her Testosterone levels -our lust hormone. A very very hard time for many husbands. 


> Prolactin is the ultimate sex drive killer. A woman’s sex drive can almost completely disappear when prolactin levels are high. Many people are aware of this for some time after giving birth and while breast-feeding, when prolactin levels are naturally high


 Low Sex Drive

YOu said the problems were there BEFORE you tied the knot? What problems ? WHy did you marry? 


For women ....it could be either..... LOW drive (due to hormones-just not feeling it ) , Resentment (due to problems in the marriage) , or even some Sexual repression (due to inhibitions), or even insecurities about their bodies, Too busy, too stressful, depressed .... a variety of things can keep a womon from craving sex, what do you feel is your wifes main issues ?


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## Davey Jones Locker (Dec 23, 2011)

thank you... yes I did know but I know people change & I was hoping she would too. We tried last night & it was great... I learnt that as a dumb ass man, if I keep my mouth shut things work out quite well but Oh my God is it difficult to do.:smthumbup:


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## awake11 (Jul 5, 2011)

Sorry for not getting back sooner, hope you all had a wonderful xmas. 

Davey, I'm sorry for the troubles you are going through, I know it's not easy at all.

Simplyamorous, thank you for your continued support in this tread. I bought the book about different sex-drives and found it very interesting. I'm an erotic drive and my husband a sensual drive, and with our issues he has also become a stressed drive. I can definitley see where our problems are coming from, and actually I think if I can give him the time he needs and continue to work on my own depression issues etc then I think he can move back to being a sensual drive with a bit of an erotic drive (because in the early days he was always very adventerous and he often says he doesn't like 'vanilla sex'), and for myself I'm not a 100% erotic drive either, I like to have sex which is gentle and loving and more about the connection too. The book has opened up for some good communication and we have been getting close with erotic massages and talked a lot about how to get to where we want to be. I feel positive for the new year. I must run as this time is dedicated family time and I'm not supposed to be spending any time on the computer  Happy New Year to you all.


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

awake11 said:


> Leelo, yes there's other stuff going on, as mentioned I have suffered a lot from depression, still do, but am currently managing it pretty well with exercise. Only this year has he opened up to me about the resentment and feeling like he has been more of a carer because he had to walk on eggshells, not knowing what my moods would be like and whether I'd be coping well that day or not when he came home from work. Other issues also include a perception change for him when we had our daughter... suddenly he saw me more as our daugther's mother than his wife, I also had problems after giving birth with a lot of pain with sex, which made sex impossible for the first year, and made it quite challenging for another 2 years really, I still wanted to have sex as it was only painful for a little bit when he entered, but he felt like he was hurting me and I think it took all the passion out of it for him. Things are so much better in that area now, like 90% better, but I think the lack of sex has just become a habit. Then just as things were improving he hurt his back really bad and that set us back too. I feel as close to 100% as I can about him not having affair and not being gay, I have asked him directly and really there are no signs whatsoever. The depression that I've suffered is definitely the main factor. He definitely is a typical man in that he's very visual and although I haven't changed much physically (have always been between 50-54 kilos) I'm noticing a big change lately as I've gotten very active with exercise and am starting to become very toned, he has mentioned that more than big boobs etc he is more attracted to an athletic, toned body and I can tell that he's looking at me more and giving me more compliments. I am excited to see what 2 weeks of no stress and work over Christmas does to his sex-drive. I feel that we have worked through a lot of the resentment issues and we now just need a chance to reconnect. In the meantime though I have to be super patient and it's nice to come here and get it off my chest. Last night as we were hugging naked in bad I just felt like I was about to explode, but he can't take himself there when has work early in the morning etc. 3 weeks go buy easily without sex because he's pretty much said to not even approach it (so that I don't get hurt by rejection) in the week, so weekends are the only 'ok zone' for sex, then one week I might be on my period and I think he very much views that as everything being off the cards, eventhough I could still do stuff to him etc. Then one week he might be studying as he's also doing extra studies on top of his busy job. It all just comes down to stress, stress, stress. I want to be with him so badly, and when he's not wanting to I just end up fantasising about other guys and I get a lot of attention from guys when I go out, it's very easy to imagine what could happen if I let it.
> 
> Simpyamorous, I love the book recommendations, keep them coming  THANK YOU. I love to read and have not been able to find anything that has really helped yet. I have asked him directly both in writing and face to face if he masturbates and he says that he doesn't do it very often. He might do it quickly in the shower just to get the release before work (but he gets up at 4am and I'm not sure I'd be in the mood then to be honest), it's not something he does to porn a lot or anything like that. I know that he can be a very very sexual person, very adventorous and can take charge and be so very sexy and amazing in bed. I think with the depression issues, resentment over that etc he's build up some sort of coping mechanism to not be sexual and now we need to break down that wall again. I need to be patient, because he really WANTS to get sex back in to our lives and he's doing all the right things, just very very slowly. 6 months ago I also did slip and kiss a guy, which I told him about, I understand that I need to accept the consequences of this too, and that this would be very very hard for him to deal with, and again he'll need time. He has dealt with it very well and seems to understand that it was a result of our situation, not to make excuses I know I did an unforgivable thing and I know it's huge and I should have mentioned it in my post earlier. I just feel overall that is not the issue we are dealing with at the moment, it's the stress and his resentment over my depression which is slowly being resolved. I think it's hard for him to let his guard down and truly believe that I am really changing. I am coping SO much better with the exercise, and he probably needs some time to see that it's a longterm change and not just another shortlived fix. Having said all of this, I do wonder when we get back on track, what will that mean... sex once a week? what if that's him in his ideal situation... and what if I would like it everday. He has made it very clear that he will not have sex just because I want it, he needs that emotional connection, so there won't be any compromises there, it will all be about getting his sexdrive as high as it can get once all issues are resolved, I'm just so scared that it won't be enough. Is that too much of a sacrifice to make for me? On the other hand I love him so very much and he provides me with great friendship, love, security, lifestyle, he's a wonderful Dad, he's funny and very intelligent, I love being with someone that I admire and respect, his attitude towards life is very positive and I just really want us to work it out.


I am in also in your situation. My DH has had to take on another job on top of his full-time job. I work 32 hrs as well. Before the recession he had a great job 40 a week and out . We were making love like every day, trying new things going to hotels, buying toys....you get the pic. I feel real bad for him. He is such a dedicated man, working so hard for the family and providing best he can. I respect him so much

With him working so much he hardly has time to sleep, let alone make love. It kills me. He doesn't like it either. He hates being in this kind of financial situation. Now we only have sex once every two weeks..I know it is related to stress and lack of sleep...I feel helpless and I know he does too.j

I just pray our situation can change and things can go back to normal. I to have a lot of lustful thoughts about other men. I am a petite blonde with big breasts and of course get all the wrong attention from men...I am lonely a lot of nights for my husband...


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