# Dating someone with children VS no children



## Hardtohandle

Okay here is my background.

I'm going to be 46 in June.

2 boys 13 and 8. The 13 yr old is going to stay with me and I will have my youngest every other weekend at least. But I think I will have him every Wed afternoon from 3pm to 7 or 8 pm and Saturday 8 am to 2 or 3 pm.

My thought process on this and I'm skewed and wrong. But I want to give you my mindset.

I'm a bit of a believer that finding a women or dating a women with kids might be better then one without especially one near 40 or in her 40s because regardless of gender someone with kids can honestly relate more then one without. 

I feel that someone that has been single for a greater part of their lives is more leaning towards going on vacation without the kids. Looking to spend a majority of the time without kids present. 

Again there are probably many women without kids that would be very "motherly", but I think just like men many women do might not want to deal with kids. 

The reality is I need to spend time with my kids and just cannot go out every night or meet every night unless this person is wiling to come to my home to be with me and my son or sons. Or she is willing and wanting to have my kids come to her home. 

I totally understand that someone who is really into you will want you regardless of your kids. But you need to get to that point.

I know I'm good, but not that good at making women fall for me. 

So as I read these threads here related to dating women and men with kids and what not I started to wonder where many fall into with this.

I'm very open minded and just trying to get some advice from those that have gone before me here.

Thanks TONS in advance.


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## Holland

real curious as to why you are splitting your kids up?

OK apart from that one of my golden rules was to only date men with children because my kids are my #1 priority and I need a man that understands that.

People that haven't had children usually do not fully understand the difference in lifestyle and they would generally want to be put ahead of the kids which would never work for me.


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## tacoma

I have a kid and if I were to find myself single I'd not date a woman with kids unless they were grown and gone.

Just not happening no more "Blended" family for me thanks.

I'll keep my sanity instead.


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## Hardtohandle

Holland said:


> real curious as to why you are splitting your kids up?



Wife pretty much played out the whole affair in front of my kids. The 13 year old being smart and understanding figured out everything she did. He knew about the 2nd secret phone when I caught her with the first one. He knew the OM name and what he looked liked. 

He also seen my wife turn her back on us and him. He resents her for it. Understandably so. My father left when I was 12 and I never seen him again. I understood exactly what he did to my mother and the pain he put her through. So I can understand how my son feels. He doesn't hate his mother, but he does not want to be in an apartment with this OM and his mother. He does not want to see them kissing or hearing them have sex.. His words in therapy. He feels they both broke up our family. He can't hate his mother, because she is his mother but he feels he does not need to like the OM.

Plus he was born and raised in my home. My home is much larger and MUCH closer to his school. 

My story is in my signature if you want the full details.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Hardtohandle said:


> Okay here is my background.
> 
> I'm going to be 46 in June.
> 
> 2 boys 13 and 8. The 13 yr old is going to stay with me and I will have my youngest every other weekend at least. But I think I will have him every Wed afternoon from 3pm to 7 or 8 pm and Saturday 8 am to 2 or 3 pm.
> 
> My thought process on this and I'm skewed and wrong. But I want to give you my mindset.
> 
> I'm a bit of a believer that finding a women or dating a women with kids might be better then one without especially one near 40 or in her 40s because regardless of gender someone with kids can honestly relate more then one without.
> 
> I feel that someone that has been single for a greater part of their lives is more leaning towards going on vacation without the kids. Looking to spend a majority of the time without kids present.
> 
> Again there are probably many women without kids that would be very "motherly", but I think just like men many women do might not want to deal with kids.
> 
> The reality is I need to spend time with my kids and just cannot go out every night or meet every night unless this person is wiling to come to my home to be with me and my son or sons. Or she is willing and wanting to have my kids come to her home.
> 
> I totally understand that someone who is really into you will want you regardless of your kids. But you need to get to that point.
> 
> I know I'm good, but not that good at making women fall for me.
> 
> So as I read these threads here related to dating women and men with kids and what not I started to wonder where many fall into with this.
> 
> I'm very open minded and just trying to get some advice from those that have gone before me here.
> 
> Thanks TONS in advance.


My advice is not to decide in advance for other people's preferences. Maybe people with kids have had enough and maybe people without kids might have had experience with nieces or nephews or other settings and want kids. Or someone without kids maybe have lost them to illness/accident or cannot have them due to health condition/infertility or wanted them but partner couldn't. Etc.

Just put on your dating profile or when you go out with someone, let them know what your situation is with regard to custody and visitation schedule and let them decide for themselves what they want and who they are and if they are interested in someone with kids.

I think you will have much better success this way. Learn to be surprised by reality rather than trying to stack the deck in any way.


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## Hardtohandle

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My advice is not to decide in advance for other people's preferences. Maybe people with kids have had enough and maybe people without kids might have had experience with nieces or nephews or other settings and want kids. Or someone without kids maybe have lost them to illness/accident or cannot have them due to health condition/infertility or wanted them but partner couldn't. Etc.
> 
> Just put on your dating profile or when you go out with someone, let them know what your situation is with regard to custody and visitation schedule and let them decide for themselves what they want and who they are and if they are interested in someone with kids.
> 
> I think you will have much better success this way. Learn to be surprised by reality rather than trying to stack the deck in any way.


Wow Very True.. Sometimes you over look the obvious. 
I do plan ahead too much, that I will agree.. I honestly do try to figure out my plans 12 to 24 months in advance.. I think this whole ordeal has made me a bit crazy..


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## Freak On a Leash

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My advice is not to decide in advance for other people's preferences. Maybe people with kids have had enough and maybe people without kids might have had experience with nieces or nephews or other settings and want kids. Or someone without kids maybe have lost them to illness/accident or cannot have them due to health condition/infertility or wanted them but partner couldn't. Etc.
> 
> Just put on your dating profile or when you go out with someone, let them know what your situation is with regard to custody and visitation schedule and let them decide for themselves what they want and who they are and if they are interested in someone with kids.
> 
> I think you will have much better success this way. Learn to be surprised by reality rather than trying to stack the deck in any way.


:iagree: You never know what life will throw your way. I think you might be overthinking things a bit but I am impressed that you are thinking things through and looking out for your kids. They should always come first in any case. Before another woman or a relationship. Their mother did them dirty and set a bad example so now it's up to you. 

I will admit that too am guilty of always wanting to plan things out too but it doesn't work out that way when it comes to emotional relationships, dating, etc. 

Personally, I will date anyone I find interesting and like to be with but I'm NOT into finding someone to get into a long term relationship with at all. I just want to go out and have fun. I have no interest in planning a future with anyone. If someone has younger kids and wants to go out and have a good time on their "off time" that's fine. I almost dated someone in this situation and I was good with it. I was willing to see him on his time, at his convenience. Our date didn't happen at all but that wasn't why. 

THAT said, I insist that anyone else's family life and MY life are mutually exclusive. I don't want to hang out with anyone else's kids. If you want to go out with me, it's with me alone. I'm not a babysitter and I don't want to be at someone's home sitting with their kids. I have kids too and I don't expect or want anyone to spend time with them. Plus my kids don't want to spend time with anyone I might be with either. They are 15 and 18 so older and fairly independent, so that helps too. 

Personally I'd prefer someone who doesn't have smaller children. It makes for less complications and I also feel that someone with younger children SHOULD put their kids first. If my kids were 5-10 years younger I wouldn't be dating at all. Life is complicated enough for me and it's hard for them to deal with the divorce situation without throwing a love interest into their lives as well. Time for that later when the kids are older.


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## lost hunter

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My advice is not to decide in advance for other people's preferences. Maybe people with kids have had enough and maybe people without kids might have had experience with nieces or nephews or other settings and want kids. Or someone without kids maybe have lost them to illness/accident or cannot have them due to health condition/infertility or wanted them but partner couldn't. Etc.
> 
> Just put on your dating profile or when you go out with someone, let them know what your situation is with regard to custody and visitation schedule and let them decide for themselves what they want and who they are and if they are interested in someone with kids.
> 
> I think you will have much better success this way. Learn to be surprised by reality rather than trying to stack the deck in any way.


:iagree:

I agree 100% I have never had children, we tried for 8 years, and the closest we came as a miscarriage last year. With that said, I have always wanted them, and would not think twice about dating a woman that had children. I have 6 nieces and nephews, so I have been around children, plus all of my friends have kids. I think you just need to play it by ear, and see what happens.

Also, I know from my view of not having children, I am worried that there is drama with the other parent. I am worried that someday I will meet someone get serious, and the father of the child gets upset with me helping raise their child. I know how protective parents can be, and I know that a new person in the picture, can cause some issues.


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## Stretch

Never had kids, never wanted them. In a love affair with a woman with D30 and D14. She loves the way I give her space to do her family thing and they treat me like family because they know their mother is happy and I treat her well. 

I don't parent, would not know how. Thank goodness. Just common sense and respect and it seems to work.

I think this is really a crap shoot but there could be some statistics that support the thread theory.


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## COGypsy

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My advice is not to decide in advance for other people's preferences. Maybe people with kids have had enough and maybe people without kids might have had experience with nieces or nephews or other settings and want kids. Or someone without kids maybe have lost them to illness/accident or cannot have them due to health condition/infertility or wanted them but partner couldn't. Etc.
> 
> Just put on your dating profile or when you go out with someone, let them know what your situation is with regard to custody and visitation schedule and let them decide for themselves what they want and who they are and if they are interested in someone with kids.
> 
> I think you will have much better success this way. Learn to be surprised by reality rather than trying to stack the deck in any way.


I'm with HNU--I'd just add that the whole kid thing will also probably turn out to be self-selecting whether you try to decide in advance or not. There are lots of people that don't have kids that don't mind being around them for whatever reason. Those of us who don't do the kid thing will probably skip right past your profile. That's what I do. It doesn't really matter to me if a man with kids would date a woman without kids, because I'm not interested in someone with kids at home. It becomes almost a non-issue that way. Much better to focus on finding someone that you have common interests and values with than worrying too much about what may or may not have inhabited her uterus at some point!


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## whitehawk

If I hook up with someone new I hope she has kids too.
I love kids but I only have one , 11 , so it would be cool with me.
The other points for me though are single girls with out kids often wanted kids desperately and can go very weird. Another thing is single people that never had kids don't understand the life . They think they do just because they looked after someone else's kid for 5 mins once , but they don't have a clue.


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## Holland

lost hunter said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I agree 100% I have never had children, we tried for 8 years, and the closest we came as a miscarriage last year. With that said, I have always wanted them, and would not think twice about dating a woman that had children. I have 6 nieces and nephews, so I have been around children, plus all of my friends have kids. I think you just need to play it by ear, and see what happens.
> 
> *Also, I know from my view of not having children, I am worried that there is drama with the other parent. I am worried that someday I will meet someone get serious, and the father of the child gets upset with me helping raise their child. I know how protective parents can be, and I know that a new person in the picture, can cause some issues.*


This is a potentially huge problem. 75% of second marriages end in divorce and many of the issues are due to the families not be blending well with rules set from day one.

It is usually recommended that a step parent NOT try and parent the partners children unless they came into their lives before the age of 3.

My kids are pre teens and teens, my partners are teens. We spent a long time before meeting and introducing the kids to work out how we wanted it all to be and what was best for the kids.

My kids have a fantastic dad already, I have made it very clear to my partner that I do not want him to share in the raising of my kids. He feels exactly the same from his kids POV.

Be very careful when you get to the stage of meeting a partners kids and blending families. It is extremely difficult and is often the undoing of relationships.


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## Chuck71

I was seven years younger than my ex, we met as I was 25 and she 32. I wanted children, she already had one. I saw it as a preview of how she would treat our child, if we had any. It is really a case by case basis. When I graduated from undergrad all I cared about was hitting the bars and drag racing. Had someone told me within a year and half I would be falling for a mom with a child I would have recommended they seek a psychological evaluation. Well....it happened. 

Maybe a female with no children has not found a suitable guy or can not have children. They might be the 'mother / aunt' who is a second mother to her sibling's children. Or what about a woman with two children who stress, my children are more important than yours. Or if you spend $150 on your children for Christmas you best spend that on mine too. Just food for thought.


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## Hardtohandle

Very convoluted situations.. Another reason to hate my STBXW..


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## SecretTears

I am fresh on the D train and still not ready to date and even less ready for a serious relationship, settling down etc... so take my point of view with a huge grain of salt. I want kids of my own eventually. But I cannot see myself dating anyone who has children. I think it would be very difficult for a childless person to step into this family that already exists. I would feel like an interloper. And I wouldn't know how to act with the other person's kids. Way too complicated for me (at least for now). 

That being said, to balance out my point of view, one of my good friends, single mid-30s childless met the man of her dreams... except that he has 3 small children. They have been together for a couple of years now, she loves his kids, kids love her so now my friend and her man are talking about getting married. 

So moral of the story is that there are many different women with different preferences out there. All you can do is to be honest with your situation and what you are looking for but at the same time be flexible in case something unexpected comes up!


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## ku1980rose

Holland said:


> real curious as to why you are splitting your kids up?
> 
> OK apart from that one of my golden rules was to only date men with children because my kids are my #1 priority and I need a man that understands that.
> 
> People that haven't had children usually do not fully understand the difference in lifestyle and they would generally want to be put ahead of the kids which would never work for me.


I disagree. I am in my 30s, do not have children, but definitely understand the difference in lifestyle. At this point in our lives, most of us have dated or lived with someone who has had children. Just because we do not have children of our own, doesn't mean we don't understand or accept that. 

I think you should be open to dating women with and without children. Just because a woman does not hae children of her own, does not mean she won't be a great "mother" to yours. 

I don't have children because I wanted to wait until I was married. Then, my marriage was short and a disaster. I may never have children of my own, but that doesn't mean I am not a good "motherly figure."

Just something to think about.


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## Holland

ku1980rose said:


> I disagree. I am in my 30s, do not have children, but definitely understand the difference in lifestyle. At this point in our lives, most of us have dated or lived with someone who has had children. Just because we do not have children of our own, doesn't mean we don't understand or accept that.
> 
> I think you should be open to dating women with and without children. *Just because a woman does not hae children of her own, does not mean she won't be a great "mother" to yours.
> *
> I don't have children because I wanted to wait until I was married. Then, my marriage was short and a disaster. I may never have children of my own, but that doesn't mean I am not a good "motherly figure."
> 
> Just something to think about.


Which highlights part of the potential problem. A future step parent should never consider themselves as a parent, the term is a misnomer. 
Unless the child has lost a parent through death or other reasons, they still have two parents regardless of divorce. A step parent should not be mothering or fathering their partners children.

It is a generalisation, yes. But the world is littered with disasterous second marriages with the main reason being the children involved. It is a very difficult situation and from a personal POV I would never have seriously dated a man with no children because they cannot have an understanding of the reality of life with children. 
My children are the #1 priority, it takes a man with children to understand this, he feels the same about his children and I understand. SO's previous relationship ended because he was dating a woman without children and she just did not understand that she came second to his kids.

Not saying it can't work but why make life harder than it already is post divorce?


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## ku1980rose

Holland said:


> Which highlights part of the potential problem. A future step parent should never consider themselves as a parent, the term is a misnomer.
> Unless the child has lost a parent through death or other reasons, they still have two parents regardless of divorce. A step parent should not be mothering or fathering their partners children.
> 
> It is a generalisation, yes. But the world is littered with disasterous second marriages with the main reason being the children involved. It is a very difficult situation and from a personal POV I would never have seriously dated a man with no children because they cannot have an understanding of the reality of life with children.
> My children are the #1 priority, it takes a man with children to understand this, he feels the same about his children and I understand. SO's previous relationship ended because he was dating a woman without children and she just did not understand that she came second to his kids.
> 
> Not saying it can't work but why make life harder than it already is post divorce?


I wasn't meaning that I would be their mother. That is why I wrote "mother" and "motherly figure." I've been in a few relationships with men who had kids from a previous relationship or marriage. In one, I was like a second mom when they were with us because I was at home with them alone often. It worked well with all of us, their mom included. In my marriage, I wasn't even a stepmother. Technically I guess I was, but they weren't really a part of his life, so they weren't really a part of mine. 

It really depends on the situation. I was not implying that I would be their mother. I don't desire to try to take their mother's place. But, if I'm living with someone or married to someone who has children, then I'm going to make an effort to be a motherly figure. If we are just dating, then I'm their dad's girlfriend. No, I would not parent his children.

On the other hand, when dating someone who already has children, that does not always mean they "get it." Some people never "get it" regardless if they have children or not. My ex never "got it." He never understood what it took to be a father.

Don't you think it really depends on the person? I'm mature enough to understand that his children come first and will always come first and that it should be that way. It bothers me to date a man who has children who does not put his children first.

There are single people WITH children who don't understand they should put their children first. There are single people WITH children who want their partner to put them first and not their children.

I truly think you have to get to know the person for who they are regardless if they have children or not. 

Just my opinion.


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## Holland

ku1980rose said:


> I wasn't meaning that I would be their mother. That is why I wrote "mother" and "motherly figure." I've been in a few relationships with men who had kids from a previous relationship or marriage. In one, I was like a second mom when they were with us because I was at home with them alone often. It worked well with all of us, their mom included. In my marriage, I wasn't even a stepmother. Technically I guess I was, but they weren't really a part of his life, so they weren't really a part of mine.
> 
> It really depends on the situation. I was not implying that I would be their mother. I don't desire to try to take their mother's place. But, if I'm living with someone or married to someone who has children, then I'm going to make an effort to be a motherly figure. If we are just dating, then I'm their dad's girlfriend. No, I would not parent his children.
> 
> On the other hand, when dating someone who already has children, that does not always mean they "get it." Some people never "get it" regardless if they have children or not. My ex never "got it." He never understood what it took to be a father.
> 
> Don't you think it really depends on the person? I'm mature enough to understand that his children come first and will always come first and that it should be that way. It bothers me to date a man who has children who does not put his children first.
> 
> There are single people WITH children who don't understand they should put their children first. There are single people WITH children who want their partner to put them first and not their children.
> 
> I truly think you have to get to know the person for who they are regardless if they have children or not.
> 
> Just my opinion.


Oh yes I agree each case, relationship and person is different. Sorry I didn't mean for it to be a blanket statement. More from my POV it was one of my personal rules, I did date men without kids but knew that they were not LTR material for me. 
But being a parent (an involved one) was on my "must have" list for any possible LTR type of man.


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## ku1980rose

Holland said:


> Oh yes I agree each case, relationship and person is different. Sorry I didn't mean for it to be a blanket statement. More from my POV it was one of my personal rules, I did date men without kids but knew that they were not LTR material for me.
> But being a parent (an involved one) was on my "must have" list for any possible LTR type of man.


That's good that you have a personal rule and stick to it. I was just saying that it isn't for everyone.

I do not have children, but I have and do date guys with children. My personal rule is that they must be an involved father. Unfortunately, my ex husband was not. I thought he was, but was just very busy with his job. However, after we married, and he switched jobs and had much more free time, I found that he wasn't involved at all. And, the older his kids got, the more they realized this and decided they didn't want to have anything to do with him. 

Anyway, that's another story. Just saying that I have definitely set my standards now and will make sure that if I am with a man who has kid, that he is a good father to them!


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## Holland

Totally agree with the involved father thing. If I was dating a man that was not involved with his children it would be a huge red flag. I stood back, listened and then watched SO with his kids, he is completely involved with them. We both understand that our respective children come first then we work our relationship around them.

We are all different, the most important thing though IMHO is that after divorce we have and stick to our own rules. Flexibility is good but there were certain things that I would not move on, him being an involved parent is a major one.


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## Freak On a Leash

I think my son has started to tire of my ex husband's crap. From what I gather he spends a lot of time at AA meetings while my son is there and doesn't do much with him except take him to buy the fast food that I don't allow him to have while he's with me. 

Anyway, my son asked NOT to go over there this weekend and stressed that he didn't want to be "forced" to go over to his father's house. I said "sure" and am basically leaving it up to my son to decide when he wants to see his father and how. It's something they can work out. I've decided to bow out of this from now on. Seeing as we have no formal visitation schedule and my ex is STILL not giving me any child support I don't owe him anything. 

My daughter will be coming home from college in a few weeks so if I decided I need an overnighter then that's covered but these days I'm not going away all that much for a variety of reasons. 

I just think my ex is once again doing a great job of pushing away the one kid who still likes him away. It's amazing how consistent he is like that. It always has been and always will be "all about him".


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## Hardtohandle

Over time after creating this thread I have come to learn that there is no right and wrong. 

My Divorce started 19 years ago with me dating my Ex wife for 5 years and putting her through college. Which including paying for books, driving her to and from, paying for cloths and whatever else she needed so she could just go to school. I supported her though her own mother scoffed at her trying to do this at the age of 32 and being a high school dropout with a GED. 

Nonetheless my Ex wanted to get married while going to school. I said no because I knew the strain it would put on us. After 2 years of college and graduating we got married me with my carrer as a cop and her a dental hygienist. 2 great salaries.

I worked 3 jobs during those 2 years, Cop and 2 security jobs. I would leave home on a Monday morning and would not come home until Wednesday night. I saved 30k by myself to pay for a wedding and honeymoon, along with all the school stuff she needed.

Flash forward 19 years later, 2 boys. My wife had 3 attempted affairs and 1 successful one that caused her to leave me. After all I have done for her this is where I am left at the age of 45 and looking to retire from my job to move on. Mind you those are the ones I know of.

Now I can't leave or at least not for several years.

My point.. 

I did what I thought was right. I dated someone for 5 years. I helped them through school so we could both have good paying jobs and careers so financially we would be okay. So we could start our lives off right or what I thought was right..

End result what I thought was right was wrong. All these years I thought you fought for your marriage, you fought for your spouse. It seems I was the only one fighting and just didn't see it.

Today I am dating someone with 2 twin 5 year old girls, a widow. Her husband was a *******. She knows it and she knows I know it. She knows and understands it ended with him, as I do. 

I've come to decide that I want someone who just loves me. If they come with 2 girls that I need to help raise then its fine. If my family goes from 2 boys and a dog to 2 boys and 2 girls and 2 dogs I am fine with it. I just want to love someone and have someone love me back. 

Someone to wake up in the morning and look over at me and say thank god I have this man and I want to do the same.

I didn't see the nonsense of me posting this until recently. I wanted to find a 38 year old, millionaire, doctor, fashion model who couldn't have kids but would love my kids like her own.

I was retarded, stupid and shallow. I was scared. I was afraid my life would run past me and I would wake up alone at the age of 70 wondering where my life went and I hated my Ex wife for putting me in this position and making me feel this way.

I'm just going with the flow now and trying my best to take it day by day instead of planning years ahead. Its very hard but I am trying.

End result this sh1t don't matter. None of it matters. Kids, no Kids.. 

You make a choice in life and it has consequences. It s all about making a choice and knowing what will happen when you make those choices. 

I turned a blind eye to my choices with my Ex wife. It took a divorce to see that unfortunately. Its a hard life lesson, but nonetheless its a lesson learned. I hope I can pass it along to my kids so they don't fall into this same pit.


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## Holland

> End result this sh1t don't matter. None of it matters. Kids, no Kids..


Actually to the children involved it does matter, it matters greatly and can have a huge impact on their future. 75% or so of second marriages fail and the most common reason is issues around children and blending families.
It matters greatly to the children and while we as adults deserve happiness the last thing I would ever contemplate is to take that happiness at the expense of my children.


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## Hardtohandle

Holland said:


> Actually to the children involved it does matter, it matters greatly and can have a huge impact on their future. 75% or so of second marriages fail and the most common reason is issues around children and blending families.
> It matters greatly to the children and while we as adults deserve happiness the last thing I would ever contemplate is to take that happiness at the expense of my children.


I understand. 

I think IF anything I am fortunate that my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 8, both boys. The woman I am with now has 2 girls age 5. 

The good thing is there is nothing in common with them so there is no fear of the girls for example trying to fight over the Xbox to play call of duty. 

I financially can purchase a 5 bedroom home eventually down the road assuming things work out well between us and the kids of course. 

I think it might have been a bit more rough if it was same sex, because of the competition. Where as here I just don't see it. Plus my kids are a bit older, especially my 13 year old. The 13 year old is very bright for his age and gets the gist. 

At the end of the day like anyone else my kids win out. But I am not going to try and find miss perfect and I am not going to exclude someone because of children. 

I understand the statistics behind it but I can't live my life behind numbers either. Honestly I see no reason why we need to get married anyways and neither does this women. 

I'm pretty much done with marriage to be honest.


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## Corpuswife

Hindsight...I would wait until my kids are older to live with someone or get married. It can be so complicated to blend families and often if they have kids then the dynamics of children getting along is difficult. Or....if they don't have kids they are not ready to be around them all of the time and be a stepparent. 

Nothing wrong with dating and being in a LTR but combining households is more complicated either way. 

Have some fun. Live your life and be open to experiences.


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## dusty4

Hardtohandle.

It depends on the situation as well as the type of person you are. Because the thing is, if you date a woman with kids, you might have to deal with the fact that she will need to have some contact with the kids' father.

As a man, I'm in the opposite situation, and there was one woman that just wasn't meant for being with a man that had kids that has to deal with the x-wife from time to time for the kids sake. Thing is, my x-wife and I only get along for the kids, and only contact one another if absolutely necessary.
But this one woman I dated couldn't get past the fact that I receive emails once in a blue moon from the X when she needed to tell me something about the kids. No small talk, just business. I always let her see my emails so that she had nothing to worry about, but she was jealous nonetheless even thought the content of the emails was STRICTLY about the kids needs.

Needless to say I wasn't going to have that kind of crap in my life.

So this is just something for you to consider. If you date someone with kids and she has to come in contact with the father because of the kids, will that bother you? It shouldn't as long as they only get along for the sake of the kids.


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## Dedicated2Her

H2H,

If you are going to date someone with children, do not go through the vetting process with the kids around. Make sure that this is a serious, long term relationshiop before kids are introduced. I can see through your posts, you are running through all sorts of senarios.

Theses senarios shouldn't play out for at least 6 months of consistent, exclusive dating.


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## working_together

I've never dated anyone without kids, so I can't say if it would make much of a difference really. The two people I have dated in over a year have not had much contact with my kids, or vice versa. I don't want to parent other people's children, I have enough with my 5 and 7 year old thank you...lol My role would be more of a "friend", or addition to the family. I don't want to overstep my boundaries or piss their mother off...lol 

I chill with my SO's children who are 8 and 10 a couple of times a month. It's very casual. He's only met my kids a couple of times, I'm trying to take things slow.

My dad's second wife did not have children. My sister and I spent Summers with them, oh boy, was she jealous. I liked her a lot though, and we got along very well. She did not parent me or my sister, and was more of a friend to us. She was also only 9 years older than me. But it was tough for her having us around for two months, and then not at all. As we got older, she got used to it. Then they divorced...lol

I'm not really sure how I feel about the "kid" thing, I do think it would be a lot easier if there were no kids on his part, then no ex to deal with. The whole blended family is very different for me. My mother never remaired or dated much after my parents divorced in 1976.

My ex's g/f does not have children, and I think she resents it a bit, she must share her time with the kids for the most part. She is also very different from me, and very strict. I stay out of it, my ex's issue, not mine. I kind of laugh when my kids come back on Mondays and say that they needed to wash their hands so much etc. The more I stay out of it, the better it is for them. As long as my kids are happy, then I'm good.

I agree with others when they say the children are a priority. But I also want my children to see how much I love my partner, and that kind of love is important as well. My kids never saw a happy relationship, so I very much want them to see one, but also not putting them second either.


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## Hardtohandle

Just wanted to chime in again. Its a learning experience for me.

The woman I am seeing has no ex since he is deceased. It is sad to say, but it is a good thing for me. He is deceased 2 years.

For me, I have come to terms with my divorce. I will admit I am suppressing some of my feelings. I will never get back with the EX not because of the affair but was done AFTER the affair. So no worries from me getting back with her. Which is something the new woman brought up. 

My issue is a I am a one woman man. I find it very hard to casual date. I might meet women in a bar, but I am not a guy who would date a woman, fvck them and leave them. Its just not me. I think because of some issues I have which are good and bad I find the first few times a bit difficult sex wise. The first few weeks into a new relationship I find it very difficult to orgasm, mainly I just don't. Yea its great the first two or three times around, but it becomes a bit of a pain the fourth or fifth time around. 

So for me it actually takes a few sessions before I can actually enjoy myself, if that is the right thing to say. I enjoy myself previously but it causes my partners some stress feeling they are not doing the right thing to please me. 

Again personally I have come to the reality that it really is all the same thing. I know many will disagree. My issue is I will never let someone in like I did 19 years ago. I just cannot. The pain was too great and I could never survive going through something like this again. Like many here I am a changed person. I can love someone and be truthful and honest to them but I just can never give them that full 100 percent of my emotions. 

So that being said I'm of the thought that regardless of what women I meet, every single one of them is going to have some issues or hang ups. I am going to have to compromise some way or another to make things work out. 

I find it an absolute pain in the c0ck that I went from being with a women I loved and I thought loved me to trying to find time now to be with someone and not feel like I am neglecting my kids the way my EX Wife is doing. 

Personally 3 month into being with this women I introduced my kids to her and I have meet her kids. She has gone out with my kids and me and I have gone out with her kids and her solo. 

From what I can see is the following. Because the kids are so young. Hers being both 5 years old and girls and mine are 2 boys 8 and 13. My 8 year old would fall into the same bracket as the 5 year olds for this thought process. 

Because they are so young they make friends easy. As an example my 8 year old has meet the other man my wife moved in with. Even before she moved out and was cheating on me she took my youngest out with her to his family house. He just too young emotionally to understand, as are her 5 year olds. 

If anything I can see they have a bit of an issue in the sense that being with mom for 2 years alone they have an issue of being with me. But they have started to become attached and happy to be with me now. They don't like when I leave and get alone with my kids. The 2 girls always want to hold my 8 year olds hand when walking or crossing the street.

My biggest fear was my 13 year old. But because he is bright enough he gets whats going on and understands I didn't cheat on his mother and did nothing wrong. So this is just me trying to be happy and he understands that. So that being said he has zero issues with her. 

Just recently I asked my oldest as a test via cellphone with the GF in the car next to me. I asked him if tomorrow night they just wanted to make it a boys night out with me and his brother and not have her and her girls come along. It was funny to me when he said No he wanted her to come. I laughed out loud and told him " Oh I see, I'm not fun to be with alone. My son laughed but admitted it was more fun to have her there. 

The one thing we keep bringing up is take it slow. We are trying to figure all this sh1t out as well in the game of life. We know if we try to force this it will blow up in our faces. So we are trying to address all the issues and kinks so when we make the next big steps years later at least we tried to fix everything we could and make sure the kids are getting along well enough.

What this has done, is it now allowed us more time to be together because now we can bring the kids along. So now instead of waiting for saturday night to go out with her. I can now meet her tuesday night with the kids to eat pizza, friday night go bowling with the kids and then we can go out Saturday night alone but at least the kids have had some time together with us. No one needs to feel like they were neglected or us having issues worrying about feeling we are neglecting the kids.

In summary 

I've come to the reality miss perfect is not out there. I'm not gonna find the single, fashion model, doctor that always wanted kids but couldn't have them and fell in love with me at first sight that recently won 100 million dollar lottery. 

I have issues ( and probably big ones ) and anyone I meet will have issues. Even looking at dating sights I start to wonder when I read that their longest relationship was 2 years or less ( Plenty of Fish being used as reference ). It makes me wonder how come this person in their early to mid 40s could not maintain a relationship for an extended period of time. 

I will side for now that being with someone who has kids, but understands the need for working on a relationship is key. 

I don't think introducing or not introducing is either good or bad. For me it allowed us to spend more time together then once a week.

I think introducing the other person without their kids is key, but for them to discuss that they have kids is important. The GF spoke of her kids and showed my kids pics of them. 

I think kids need to understand that things have changed and you need to live your life as well. I was fortunate in the fact that my Cheating wife moved in with the Other Man and it was easy to explain to my kids that I needed to move on as well, just like their mommy did.


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## EnjoliWoman

I guess I'm different in wanting help parenting. I realize if I married someone they aren't her father and her father IS involved. But as the other adult in the household, he would be an authority figure and therefore may have to tell kiddo to get her shower, unload the dishwasher, pick up her room or other things that he AND kiddo would know I wanted to be done.

Plus since my kiddo's father is NPD, I would like her to have a healthy father figure in her life. It's getting too late - I had high hopes for the last boyfriend. He had no kids but loved them - was a youth adviser at his church. Wanted kids, was unable so he and his wife were looking into their options - no wonder she kept rescheduling - her affair was interfering.

But everyone is different and I would hazard to guess most Dads are fine fathers, unlike kiddo's, and might not need that extra 'fathering'.


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## Chuck71

My last M, I was 25....she 32 and her son 7. Was a large wake-up call for me I guess. Went from closing bars at 3AM to taking him fishing or doing guy things. It was a blast....I mean...closing bars is fun....for awhile.

I gave him chores and boundaries. I would ground him, etc. everything short of tanning his hide. I felt with his age and me being the 'new guy', that was to be her decision.....as in if she saw it as necessary I would but only if his behavior occurred while in my presence. But.....the meaning of it loses it's luster when he misbehaved at 3 PM and does not receive a butt heater until 8 PM. Luckily that only came up a couple of times. But it could have been a sticking point.


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## FormerSelf

I wouldn't mind dating someone with kids...but if it's 3 kids w/three baby-daddies, then no. Obviously, i would have to like the woman a lot...and I would have to marginally get along w/ kids. The kid part, I wouldn't stress, I'm good with kids and I have worked with youth as a job. My only concern would be inheriting XH drama...so I would be looking for clues for that. I have a co-worker who is living and semi-engaged to another co-worker, and I hear everyday how the guy's ex is spiteful, causing constant problems and using daughter as bargaining chip.


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## Love2326

dusty4 said:


> Hardtohandle.
> 
> It depends on the situation as well as the type of person you are. Because the thing is, if you date a woman with kids, you might have to deal with the fact that she will need to have some contact with the kids' father.
> 
> As a man, I'm in the opposite situation, and there was one woman that just wasn't meant for being with a man that had kids that has to deal with the x-wife from time to time for the kids sake. Thing is, my x-wife and I only get along for the kids, and only contact one another if absolutely necessary.
> But this one woman I dated couldn't get past the fact that I receive emails once in a blue moon from the X when she needed to tell me something about the kids. No small talk, just business. I always let her see my emails so that she had nothing to worry about, but she was jealous nonetheless even thought the content of the emails was STRICTLY about the kids needs.
> 
> Needless to say I wasn't going to have that kind of crap in my life.
> 
> So this is just something for you to consider. If you date someone with kids and she has to come in contact with the father because of the kids, will that bother you? It shouldn't as long as they only get along for the sake of the kids.


I can relate to Dusty4's story. I came out of a very short lived marriage (no kids) to an XH who frequented massage parlors and brought prostitutes into my home when I was at work. I dated a guy immediately after my marriage ended with a kid and he was fighting with his baby mama over child support and time sharing. In addition, she worked in a hostess bar. I never even met the woman, but i absolutely HATED her. Just because it was a woman like her, who ruined my marriage (even though I know it was really my XH who really ruined it, but you know what I mean). I became the crazy girlfriend who couldn't STAND the baby mama. I hated everything about this woman that I've never met. 

Point being: I'm willing to bet Dusty4's ex-girlfriend probably had something bad happen to her, making her paranoid about the mother of his kids. 

I had to end it with the guy. Too bad because he was a nice guy, but my prior experiences with my cheating XH ruined it. I still have a lot of healing to do!!!


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