# New step-parent needs help with boundaries with her ex



## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

I really need some input on this to know if I'm way off base or not. Married less than a year to a woman who has two teenage kids living with us. She was married for 20 years- I was married for 10 but have no children so I'm not only new to the step-parent role but also new to dealing with a spouses ex.

My question is about boundaries with her ex. Everything is amicable and there are healthy relationships with the kids by all- and he lives half way across the country. The kids go there on breaks and for the summer- but when he comes here is when I feel boundaries are maybe crossed. All of their family is where he lives- so when he comes here it's only to see the kids. My wife suggested the first time he came to visit that he stay at our house so we could get away for a long weekend kid-free, have alone time, etc. While it seemed odd to have him stay here- it was great to get away together so I agreed. Now he's been here 4 times and each time we leave so he can stay here to get the most time with the kids- it's like it's just assumed he can have our house if he comes and we'll leave. 

In addition- he's coming for high school graduation this week- and staying in a hotel- but my wife is picking him up at the airport early to bring him to the house until he can check in- and then letting him use her car while he's here. This may be perfectly normal- it's just all new to me and it feels weird. Very happy everything is on good terms- but it just seems too far. 

Lastly- there's going to be a graduation party back where he lives in a few weeks and we're going because the kids will be there for the summer. My wife invited all of her large family- and all of his large family as well. I understand the kid is the focus, but I feel like I'll be the outsider while the their family that has been together for 20+ years has a party together since I'll know almost no one there. It doesn't seem to me that all of his family should be invited to an event at her family's house - when his family could have a party for her too. 

Any input or experience is appreciated- this is all new to me- and I don't know where boundaries are normally set in these situations when kids are involved and everything is on good terms. Thank you!


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

Have you talk to her about how you feel? I do feel like some boundaries are being pushed. My H is a step father to my older two, and like your wife, my ex H get along fine, but I would not do anything that made him feel uncomfortable. I would not be alone in a car with him, I would not have him stay in our home my H and I share- at least over night. I wouldnt disrespect my H like that. However, events like birthdays, I do invite my ex H family, and I introduce my H to everyone and stayed by his side so he does not feel too awkward. It is good that everyone gets along and can all be in the same room together without a fight breaking out, but their are lines you don't cross and I feel your wife is crossing a few that need to be addressed. If you tell your wife you are uncomfortable with it, and she disregards your feelings, you two have a bigger problem than boundaries.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OMG, I know exactly you you feel. My husband and I both have kids.....when I met him his daughter was 16 and my boys were 2 and 5. I have a cordial enough relationship with their father, but we seldom discuss anything beyond kids and most of it is by text. Usually when he wants to see them.....he lives here in town. Occasionally we'll talk about funny gossip because he lives in our old house and there are some nutty neighbors, but that's it. Hubby is always included.

Hubby, otoh, has always had extremely poor boundaries with ex and her family. He passed it off and everyone being friendly but it was ridiculous; he regularly kept in touch with her family, she called him all the time to small talk, he seemed to know an awful lot about her personal life. He went to every damn party that her family had under the guise of seeing daughter, he tailgated weekly with her damn family (they all have season tickets to the same college football team, which I'm not invited to because the tickets actually belong to a long time friend of his and they go together....ok that part is no big deal), when his mom passed away freaking ex and her mother showed up at our house with food. He knew that wasn't right because he made some comment about him not asking them to do that....yeah I'm sure he didn't but that's what happens when your boundaries suck. And yes, when I met him he was picking her up and taking her to the airport too.

I put up with it until daughter was out of college, then figured there shouldn't be so much reason to be involved with ex. Then last year he made plans behind my back for all of us to go to ex's house for father's day because daughter wanted to give him a card; please note that we live 10 minutes away but she couldn't be bothered to come here. And yes, daughter and I get along fine so that's not an issue. 

Didn't bother to ask if I was ok with it before he committed me to it. I hit the flipping roof and we had it out. Suffice to say I ripped him several new ones and he's been much better since, he admitted what he was doing looked funny and made some stupid comment about everyone getting along. Ok, I don't expect you to be an ahole to them but I do expect some decent boundaries.
He made some comment about how he'd be just fine having a beer with my ex and I told him that was easy for him to say because I didn't stick my ex and his family in his face constantly. I have little to do with him and nothing to do with his family.

Like you I always felt out of place, ex's family was always very nice to me but I still felt like an outsider the way everyone was buddy buddy and talked about things I knew nothing about. Like they still had their nice happy family and I was someone he got to have sex with. Bullsheet. If that's how you feel you shouldn't be remarried.

So you can see I've had a lot of the same issues, though thankfully he's never asked if ex can stay here. She lives 10 minutes away so that's not an issue.

I'd tell you that while the graduation party is going to suck you should probably suck that one up, and don't be afraid to excuse yourself early if you're uncomfortable. Make some plans to go out to a bar and have a drink by yourself and tell her you'll be back later. I went to a wedding party for daughter and her now husband that hubby's ex's family put on and while I knew some people I wasn't that comfortable. I sucked it up because a wedding party is a special occasion. Heck, I had to go to his daughter's college graduation party and listen to their families talk about where they lived when daughter was born and what they did with who, boy was that uncomfortable. We had it out about that later.


As for the staying with you guys, I'd put a stop to that. I don't even know why ex wants to stay there, I get that it's free but I'd feel terribly uncomfortable staying at my ex's house. Especially now that the kids are going to be grown, she's really got to separate herself from his family. It's fine to be friendly but he doesn't need to stay with you guys. Let her know that your ex was thinking of coming to visit and needs a place to stay, watch her reaction. Her ex can get his own damn car. I would sit her down and tell her that her boundaries are not appropriate and if this is how things are going to be you're going to make sure your ex knows that next time she's in need she can borrow your car.


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## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

Thank you both for your replies and for sharing! That alone puts my mind at ease and makes me feel like I'm not totally out of line. It's not that I feel completely uncomfortable- it's more that I don't know how to feel about it because this is all new to me. I know the graduation party isn't a big deal- it just comes on the heels of the more recent stuff so that's all there. 

I'm very relieved this is the issue and not fighting and bad relationships- but boundaries definitely need to be discussed and established. Hearing about others in the same situation and how you handle it helps tremendously- I have no one to discuss it with that has any experience in these areas. Thank you!

And lifeistooshort- your situation is/was far worse than this! I'm happy you were able to resolve it!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

It does not sound that dissimilar to my situation. Amicable ex, we still share family events, our families are still friendly etc.
My partner and my ex get along, everyone is invited to birthdays, Christmas etc.

Our kids are happy, we are amicable, there is no more or less to the story. Sure beats some of the nasty divorced family situations I see around me.

Take a deep breath and get involved. If you know no one at the party then it is up to you to start to get to know people.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

So...None of this boundary issue stuff was ever present before you decided to marry? You never had a discussion about any of this before you tied the knot? 

Relationships were formed between people long before you came around. D doesn't always mean all ties are severed between 2 families no matter how much an "outsider" may want. A discussion about this and your feeling regarding it was in order before you married.

Your W made vows to you in front of friends, family, and God (albeit for the 2nd time in her life...you too!) and should now respect your views on this, however you should have made her aware of them prior to this. I would not want my W to chauffeur around another man and house him because he doesn't have family around and it's easier for him to spend time with his/their children. But, when it comes time for them to make the parenting decisions, you will find (if you haven't already) that you should stay out of it! She is already putting her children first over you, and she should. It just sounds like you are finding this out now a little late in the game.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

Chris42 said:


> I really need some input on this to know if I'm way off base or not.
> 
> 
> Any input or experience is appreciated- this is all new to me- and I don't know where boundaries are normally set in these situations when kids are involved and everything is on good terms. Thank you!


My mother and I haven't communicated since 2010 because she keeps in contact with my ex-W (among other things). The problem I have is that my ex-W was an adulterous ***** and the paternity of my son was in serious doubt. Further, the emotional and financial burden my ex-W placed upon me by her actions makes me question my mother's reasoning for maintaining contact with her. This has caused major family turmoil and drama. 

My ex-W and live-in boyfriend visit with my mother from time to time. Mother will pay for the hotel room and their meals while they visit (only a 50 mile distance separates them). I refused to attend family functions when my ex-W was invited. My son, now 14, has told both his grandmother and his mother (my ex) that he isn't comfortable and doesn't want to visit with grandma unless it's just him and I. A total mess because of boundaries post D when a child is involved! !!


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## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

Ouch on the last post! Boundaries are messy for sure- and I thought we had discussed the important stuff prior to getting married. There's clearly way more to it than I realized since I don't have children and haven't been around this situations before. Hearing how other people are handling similar situations is very helpful- thank you.


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## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

So things changed a little bit last night. She picked the ex up at the airport, spent the morning with him at our house and then sent him off with her car for the day. That felt awkward, but was as planned.

Then last night- she says in passing that she heard how much he was paying for a hotel and she knew she could find a better deal. So she booked a room in her name to get the points- went with him to check in- and charged the room which he will pay her back for.

I know she feels bad that we are in a better financial situation than he is- and with him paying child support- but he makes good money- and I don't feel it's our responsibility to let him stay at our house when he comes to town, let him use a car, and now find him better hotel deals. Friendly is good- but it feels like too much and too far. We've even gone so far as to stay in a hotel for a few nights as part of one of his visits so he could stay at our house- which the wife again sold to me as the opportunity for a stay-cation and some alone time.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

If you don't tell her how MUCH this actually bothers you, you will never find out if she values her current H's opinions over catering to her ex. He is a grown man with grown man responsibilities, and as such, needs to handle his life on his own. Your W and he chose to end their M together. Your W should feel no sense of obligation to this man. IMO, she should be nice and kind (vs confrontational and mean for the children's sake) to her ex that she shares children with, bit that's it! Her contact with him should be to co-parent only i.e. decisions about school, activities, inform of illness, etc...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your wife is too emotionally invested in her ex, and in some ways not ready to be remarried. Period. You need to have a drips serious talk with her about appropriate boundaries. 

I'm guess he's single? Because few women would put up with his ex wife in his business like that. That's what happened with us, when I came along I put a stop to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

All situations are different, in the OPs case the ex lives half way across the country and his wife has an amicable relationship with her ex. My situation is similar except my ex lives 20 minutes away as we have 50/50 shared care and both revolve our lives around where the kids go to school. A post divorce friendship does not automatically mean someone is too emotionally invested, some people can simply remain friends or amicable with no romantic feelings toward their ex.

If there were not kids involved it might be different but when kids are involved then all power to people that can show a united, non confrontational team for their kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I can understand that but I still feel like there is too much involvement here. I have a perfectly nice relationship with my sons' father that doesn't involve giving him rides to the airport, letting him stay at my house, letting him borrow my car and setting up hotel deals for him. 

I've been known to make an extra burger for him if I'm cooking or offer him some pizza if we're having it and he drops the kids off but otherwise he's a big boy. 

I'd bet she did everything when they were married too and still feels responsible for him. 

I would not be ok with this level of involvement but that's me. It would be interesting to know how she'd feel about him letting his ex stay at their house and borrow his car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I don't disagree with you Life, just saying that each situation is different and it is up to the OP to really get a grasp on his situation. Saying that someone that is still friends with their ex is too emotionally attached could well bring further issues into the OPs mind, issues that may not be there.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I guess in my view there's a difference between being friends and being friendly with an ex. The latter is great, the former is unnecessary, but I also get that there are different viewpoints where exes are concerned. I think it's fine they're on good terms, I just feel that this level of involvement is not appropriate. 

If spouses agree that's great, carry on. But I think he's here because he doesn't like what's going on so maybe he gets that vibe. Only he can know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris42 (May 13, 2015)

A few of those responses are right on. She definitely did everything when they were married- and still likes to control things. She's getting a lot better with me, but had to do everything with him when they were together. 

He is not remarried but has been in a relationship for a while. She doesn't seem to mind at all- but they are not married or living together. I don't know how to explain my feelings beyond that it just feels weird- gut instinct. 

I believe a lot of this has to do with her feeling guilty (in a way) for being happy and taking his child support, having moved their kids far away from him and their family... We'll talk about it this weekend- we need to. I didn't want to bring it up and having any issues lurking when the focus should be on the graduation and not doing anything to ruin her day. Thank you all again- just reading the responses and comments helps.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Holland said:


> when kids are involved then all power to people that can show a united, non confrontational team for their kids.


I agree, but it is irrelevant to how he feels as her spouse. This is how marriages fall apart, a lack of real communication. He needs to talk to her, period. All it takes is one misconstrued moment or a misunderstanding for it to blow their marriage apart.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> I can understand that but I still feel like there is too much involvement here. I have a perfectly nice relationship with my sons' father that doesn't involve giving him rides to the airport, letting him stay at my house, letting him borrow my car and setting up hotel deals for him.
> 
> I've been known to make an extra burger for him if I'm cooking or offer him some pizza if we're having it and he drops the kids off but otherwise he's a big boy.
> 
> ...


This right here is where I suspect the issue is. There is a fine line, often only visible when it's visible...no way to define it, but knowing when it's there. That feeling of, or even display of responsibility is an emotional investment that is not appropriate when married to someone else.

I went through a bit of this with my wife early on as well. She is very much a fixer, and feels the weight of everyone's world on her shoulders. One incident in particular that I remember...her ex husband, you know, the one who was a serial cheater, emotionally, verbally and physically abusive, financial leach. He was the one who divorced her four years earlier. Well he texted her one day asking if he could borrow her car because it got better gas mileage, and was newer with fewer miles...he wanted to drive three states away for some poker tournament. Mind you, this guy has also never paid a dime in child support because he has never had the money, and rarely has a job. I kind of flipped when she told him that she didn't see a problem with it, and that he could. That's when we had the talk about how she is not responsible for him and his convenience and financial ease any more.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I agree, but it is irrelevant to how he feels as her spouse. This is how marriages fall apart, a lack of real communication. He needs to talk to her, period. All it takes is one misconstrued moment or a misunderstanding for it to blow their marriage apart.


Absolutely they need to communicate on this. Second marriages have an even high rate of divorce than first so open communication is vital.

It is important to put it all in perspective, who are the other people involved, are they good people that understand boundaries? How much time is truly being invested in the ex, he lives half way around the country so how often does he come to their town?
He is a man that does not have equal access to his children which is an unfair starting point so should he be given extra courtesy simply for this fact?
Is the OP jealous which could cloud his judgement?
Is the OPs wife acting like she has feelings for her ex or is it all purely her doing the right thing by her kids?
All of this and a lot more needs to be discussed in an open, non confrontational way, sooner rather than later. TBH they should not have got to the point of marriage without having clear discussion on this.

I fully understand that each case is different, heck I am living in two parallel Universes at the same time. Ex and I are amicable, he is in our lives, my partner gets along well with him, he is still part of my extended family.
But my partners ex is medically diagnosed with some serious mental health issues, we tried (at my suggestion, lesson learnt) to include her in our lives for the sake of his kids and world peace. But it turns out she is too toxic and the potential for her to harm our relationship is high so as a couple we have nothing to do with her.

There is no right or wrong way to live life post divorce and second marriage but it is absolutely vital that good communication skills be used, head off trouble at the pass but also understand that past marriages are always part of a persons story and some situations have to be accepted.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Holland said:


> There is no right or wrong way to live life post divorce and second marriage


Disagree 100%



Holland said:


> but it is absolutely vital that good communication skills be used, head off trouble at the pass but also understand that past marriages are always part of a persons story and some situations have to be accepted.


Agree.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Chris42 said:


> I don't know how to explain my feelings beyond that it just feels weird- gut instinct.


This alone is reason enough for it to be a problem. Your gut instinct is rarely wrong. If it doesn't feel right to you, then it most likely isn't.

Clear and defined boundaries are an absolute necessity in any relationship...and especially so in a blended family. If the ex-spouse is continually allowed to use your home as his home whenever he visits, where does that put you? Certainly not in the "inner circle" of husband and wife at least from the kids' perspectives. All they see is "daddy's home" and puts a false sense of hope for reconciliation (believe me that it's crossed their minds).

It's hard enough to establish your position in the family dynamic without interference from an ex-spouse. Throw them into the mix, and it becomes much more difficult.

I'm part of a blended family. The boundaries are hard enough to establish under the best of circumstances. I overheard my youngest step-son (age 13) on FaceTime yesterday talking to one of his friends showing him around our house. He said for the first time that "this is my parents' room" rather than "this is my mom's room". That was huge for me to hear...it only took 8 years.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think you need to very calmly and non-judgmentally tell your wife how you feel and that you need better boundaries.

This is not acceptable. The party I understand, and being in your house, civily, for some drop off/pick up time I think is fine. But I would be creeped out at the idea of an ex lover of my spouses in my home overnight, especially if I wasn't there. He could be looking through your personal things. Ew.

I was a step mother in my first marriage and my then-H pulled all kinds of stunts that showed he had not let go of his first wife, even though she was a serial adulterer to him, and horrible neglectful mean mother to her children (we had custody). I put up with it because I did not want to appear a jealous, petty person. That was a huge mistake on my part. In hind sight I realize that he never put me first as his spouse and it was the downfall of our marriage. He always had rationalizations as to why he had to do things for her - he would say to keep the peace for his kids - but I know now that was just an excuse.

Why is your wife involving herself in helping him find a good hotel price? He can search the internet like the rest of us if that is important to him. She is getting something out of this. It may be as innocent as just wanting him to see what a great person he lost, but I think it is a red flag where your marriage is concerned because if she was fully vested in you why would she care to impress him?

As for boundaries, he is her ex lover. She does not need to be alone with him or have a friendship that transcends dealing with the children and being pleasant when at these parties.

I could fill pages with the things my ex did to "be nice" and "help" his ex while shoving me aside. At a wake once he refused to eat with me because she was a table away and he said he "didn't want to choose sides." I later learned he helped pay her way to the funeral. OK, GOD, I had forgotten all these slights, so many are coming back to me thanks a lot! Ha ha. BOTTOM LINE? YES, I learned he was screwing her on occasion behind my back. Not saying that's your wife, but you are right to be alarmed by the lack of boundaries.


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