# My first post here on this board with a broken heart...



## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

*The past to bring you all up to speed:*
Hey all, I am a newly wed, or fairly a newly wed id say We got married back in july of last year. Its been hard as I lost her trust when I admitted I had been drunk almost every day for almost an entire year back up until last december. I wanted to quit, but the withdrawal was so horrible I kept going back.

Now, after a DUI I have been clean living and I am trust-less. There has been a lot of stress on the marriage because she refuses to relocate to another area farther then an hour away from her family. I am looking for a new job maint because I really hate my boss. he is the nastiest man I have ever known. It's really is tough to find a job in an area when the jobs arent there. All the meanwhile you are becoming out dated the longer it takes you to find a job with all the new languages coming out.

We moved into a farmhouse which was her parents, they moved out to a new home elsewhere so we moved in to save us money so we could save up for a house. So...

We havnt really done much of anything for the past 4 months since we've moved there. There isnt much to do out in the country, but recently she has been going out with friends from her work and some old friends. She got into contact with a childhood friend, back from the 3rd grade from facebook. They have always been really close because both of their familys are good friends. Well, she asks me if I would have a problem if he came over, I said not at all. Both my my inlaws think that her actions were inappropriate. I think nothing of it. I trust her.

Later on in the week, she asks me if its ok if she goes out to the mall or over to dinner to say hey to his parents, of course- I let her go.

*The signs:*
A little while later, she always seemed to always be mad at me. mad at me that we werent going out on a night when im on call for work (cant go out, never have been able to) mad that I dont get out more, mad that I ate her leftovers that I THOUGHT she brought home for me.

Their status's on facebook is what started me thinking they crossed the line with being appropriate. his and her status was always the same topic. Is he was commenting on the Bengals, so was she. If they went out, it was away messages such as "Seeing my favorite person" or "hanging out with my best friend!" and of course, they would always click that stupid button on each others statuses that displays "<whatever there name is> likes this!" 

Always texting back and forth was getting to me as well.

She goes out one night with some friends, and I send her a text asking her when she will be home, before or after midnight. she texts me back claiming that I am keeping tabs on her, and asking why i keep texting. Regardless to say the next 20 texts back in forth was asking what the hell she was talking about.

Intimacy was gone completely, she wouldn't even kiss me. Little pecks here and there, but that was it.

I get into her computer, by accident at first but then I see her aim logs. I read one of her convos with one of her other friends. Apparently, she would say things such as

"uggghhh hes in here, i wish hed just leave"
"he's so annoying"
"I had to tell him i was going out with julie and not matt because hed get all jealous"

Annoying, maybe. But I recall I was downloading PS3 demos while she was doing homework on the bed. Also, I was not the jealous type.

She goes on to say that if she werent married, she'd be with matt. The guy shes been hanging out with. She also says "He's getting a house, we have the same dreams" this and that.

Her friend asks: you wont cheat, right?
she says: **** i may

her friend asks: omg you havnt had you?
she says: call me

*The admission:*
I am so mad at this point, I shut my computer, and ask her when we were getting counseling. and left. I came back to grab my phone and she asked what that was about. I told her what I saw, and I asked her the question: Have you cheated on me? she says "what, youve been keeping tabs on me? reading my texts and listening to my phonecalls? Keeping tabs on me?" I say, "should I be?" "Have you cheated on me?" "no...." then "....ok well I kissed him" she keeps telling me it meant nothing and it was a slip up.

She has been keeping this from me for two weeks, and said that she didnt tell me because she knew how Id react. she also knows that if she had sex with him, id leave, this would be done.

But thats the thing, I just dont believe her. Just a kiss? Why hide it from me this long wiith such a guilty conscious? its was obviously premeditated not a "slip up" if she was telling her friends that they would be together if i wasnt in the picture. So right there shes already lying to me.

I need to know if she had sex with the guy, but I dont believe her answer. What do you all think? What should I be asking her?


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

I sent her an email (we are not living together right now):



> If you lie to me one more time, I am filing for divorce.
> 
> Did you have sex with him....


her response:


> No.....I did not have sex with him and I don't understand why you keep thinking that I did? If you want a divorce then fine but stop trying to accuse me of doing things I didn't do.......I wouldn't do that to you.....


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Tell her the other man has to go. Because he does.


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## dav (Sep 28, 2009)

sorry mate but i read it was just a kiss (childhood friend too!) and it was not as i found out later also from the PC and not just once either lots and all sorts of stuff - ok everyones different but for months i kept believing it couldnt possibly happen after all the years and love and devotion and regrettably it does. If she wants you get her to cease ALL contact. if she wont or it tugs at her heart to or he is just a friend - thne afaik its bad news. Sorry  Good luck.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Apparently the email I sent her set her off at work and they had to send her home  I didnt know that would make her cry, I was just going for an honest answer.

She again, didnt give me a straight answer. Her initial response was, "what the hell???" Then she said no, it was just a kiss.

I think I can believe that this is a first time incident, I mean like I said that I could tell when something was wrong.

She did say that she doesnt want to promise to never see him again, because "they are friends". So I said "so you are willing to take him over me", and she just replied "i cant not promise never to see him because I dont want to ever have to go behind your back if we hang out"

I need advice... what should I be saying.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

She is cheating on you at some level and she has to make a choice, I am pretty firm on this. No way this can continue. Now she may feel sad at the loss of her "fantasy-man" but this has to happen. You are being fair to ask her to stop seeing him, kissing is not a friend act and I doubt that is all that happened. Good luck!


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

This man is a problem for your relationship.

Blamo, that right there is enough reason for her to never see him again. 

Let her know that if she continues to see him that she is putting him above your relationship, and you dont deserve that and cannot live like that, so by seeing him she is making the decision to end your relationship with her actions. A marriage doesn't need words it needs action. 

Its not always about just being good to the spouse, its about keeping yourself away from people who would cause a disruption to your relationship. Most people dont learn that lesson until it is put to them in those terms and they actually lose something important to them.

Heres a few rules my wife and I use now:

1) No contact with people that are anything more than friends, or could be.

2) No going out to the bar seperately. Both go or neither go. You may trust her and not really want to go to the bar yourself, but if you let her go out like she is single, and guys see her at a singles bar, as a single, then a bad situation will happen eventually.

3) No meeting other guys, espicially old friends, without the spouse present too. It is very important when meeting a guy or seeing someone for the first time in a long time that they get the impression of your wife as married by seeing you there, as opposed to alone and still part of thier memory of her, where the impression will be "single"

4) No meeting in real life anyone not related to you that has texted you more than 5 times or talked for more than 45 min. Dont be a moron, any guy that puts that much effort into communication with a woman thinks he's goin to get something out of it. Think about it, when was the last time you put real effort into communication with a woman that you didn't want to sleep with?

All this being said, you let it slip that you are a gamer. I am a gamer, or I was, until I realized that my wife would be more than happy to let me play all the games I wanted as long as I was good with her playing with all the men she wanted. I want you to think about that next time you sit down to play. Are you playing with your thumbs and fingers while someone else is getting your wifes kicks for you? Listen to Bob Dylan. How does it feel?

You wife doesn't want to stop being friends with this guy because he is giving her something she needs, and she doesn't believe she cant get from you. You do know what it is if you think about it, attention, interest in her interests, feeling like something more exciting than just a wife and mother. She has given up on ever getting these things from you, thats why she is with him, excited about him. Can you change yourself? Can you give her that feeling again to remind her why she married you? Can you win her when you are given the head start of the ring on her finger? 

Marriage isn't the end of this ordeal for men, if you dont defend your wife and make her feel special, there is an entire world out there of guys who know the only woman more desperate than a single woman is a woman in a bad marriage.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Oh I got to set you mind at ease about the kiss thing. Romantic relationships bear a charectoristic called escilation, meaning that the next time the two people see each other they will do more than they did the last time, it may be in her head as a slip up, but its just an internal justification, if it really was a mistake she would have taken it upon herself to correct that mistake by not seeing him again. By continuing to see him, by her action she tells him to continue, dispite what comes out of her mouth. If she didn't want it she wouldn't be there, would she?

Just count the times shes seen him since she told you she kissed him, add one base for each time they were alone together for more than 30 minutes, and dont be suprised if you get to home base around the time she started getting nasty to you.


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## dav (Sep 28, 2009)

I am afraid i got all the heartfelt believable tears to my face and no straight answer. and the its just a friend crap - i didnt listen to anyone on forums cos i knew she wouldnt cheat - yet im afraid the foorums were right and despite me knowing she would never - she did.

Do you have kids? someone suggested to me meeting the person and show them you have a family they will destory? you can do electoral role searches for about £5 to find someones address from their name and town if you know it.

But do not get nasty as it will come back at you - just make the point.

Hope that helps

I am so sorry - really iam i have been there.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

Gomez, good post and I agree with you. Didn't know you were so cerebral!


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

So I should stick with giving her an ultimatum of stop seeing him, or we can not move forward?

I feel like its crazy that I even have to ask her to even stop seeing him. She should jump at the fact that I am willing to forgive her, right? It kills me when she says she may not stop seeing him, because she just doesn't want to be dishonest with me.

Its weird, now that we are not living together, and since I packed up and lef tin such a hurry, I didnt bring my phone charger. She says since, that she does not feel safe if she can not get ahold of me in case of an emergency. She also wants to know where I am, whos house I was staying at, what were my plans, if I went to work today, ECT ECT


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Right now I am just having a hard time and mixed feelings. 

She is claiming that I am pushing her away when I demand that she stops seeing this guy and she is fearful that now I will become controlling.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

She can be afraid all she likes, but those are excuses to make you the bad guy.

Does she acknowledge that she is married to you and that your vows stated FORSAKING ALL OTHERS and that 3 is a crowd?

If so, you are not asking (demanding) anything of her that she didn't already agree to. You are asking her to live up to your agreement.

She took teh first steps away from you. You can't push someone away that you can't reach. She put herself out of reach. If she wants to move closer to you, she can take some steps back.

This isn't difficult stuff. Don't let her confuse you with blame and new "issues" like you being controlling.

Any time she deflects, return to the essentials. She is married to you. He is an interloper. She agreed to reserve her affection solely for you. You expect her to honor her agreement.

At that point, you can begin to repair whatever caused her to fall in with this guy in the first place. But she has to agree to certain ground rules - like, honoring her marriage.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Thanks all. This is going to take a lot longer then what I thought it would, but I know what has to be done.

Thanks


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## iwillsurvive (Mar 4, 2009)

Cutting off all contact with the OM/OW is the ONLY way a relationship that has suffered infidelity even has a chance of moving forward. 

She claims they are "just friends", well in my opinion a person is not a friend if they threaten a marriage. That's just a selfish person, that is claiming to be a "friend" to get what they really want- sex. 

And she lost the right to have this guy as a "friend" when she allowed herself to become emotionally involved to an inappropriate point. 

Stick to your guns. You may not get her back. But if she does come back and refuses to quit having contact with this guy, you will always wonder if there is something more between the two of them. And that will eat you up and make you crazy. 

Tell her you don't want to be living together unless she is 100% sure she can cut off contact. And remind her that it isn't about you knowing about it, it's about her doing it (and not doing it) whether you know or not. It's still wrong, even if you don't know it's going on. 

I wish I would have drawn a harder line right from the beginning, would have saved me a lot of heartache.


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## Calypso (May 11, 2009)

Once I found out for sure and dealt with all the lies. It took my H 3 months to totally break off all contact with the OW. That was the hardest part because I knew he was still having contact. Still lying to me about it even though I had concrete proof it was still going on. I finally told him it was either his family or her make a choice. If it was her then he had to tell the kids what his choice was. I wasn't going to sugar coat it or make it easy for him. The friend has to go if it's going to work for you guys. She has to understand that it's 100% no contact with him.


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## InstantNoodles (Sep 28, 2009)

Currently, we are still not living together. I find it tough to swallow that she is the one that broke a vow, and I am out sleeping on the floor of other peoples places, that I am the one w/o all the possessions that i worked for, that I am the one who doesnt get to see or take care of our dogs, that I am the one that has been asked not to come back because she still wants her space.

This is all just an extra slap to my already slapped face.


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