# Dazed and Confused



## NunoT (Jun 14, 2013)

Hello everyone,

I am new to this forum and wanted to vent to someone, anyone, outside of my network of friends and family. I am currently separated from my wife of 2 years for the last 3 weeks. We have been together though for a total of 12. We met in high school but only started seeing each other at the age of 18. Over the past 2-3 years, she has approached me a couple of times about certain issues that she finds in our relationship. Maybe, at those points I was comfortable in the relationship and truely did not take her complaints to heart. After each of those conversations I would try to address those issues but only to find myself back to my old ways within a couple of weeks. Some of those complaints were the lack of assistance with household chores, or the feeling of not showing her that I appreciate what she does. I did and still do but I guess I got to the point that maybe I just expected certain things to be done. Now I don't want to make it sound as if I am the entire reason why we are were we are. With her, one my issues was the way she spoke to me infront of people and in private. I felt like she gave me no respect. I think because I never really had the chance to experience single life as an adult and find who I really am, I started subconsciousely viewing her as a mother figure. She would ask me to make a doctors appointment, wash the dishes, or even tell me to clean my teeth before I had a chance to do it. I think our underlying issue was that I was always affraid to speakup in fear that she might leave me. My insecurities, I believe, lead us to this point. I let her become that "mother figure". I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time but I have come to realize alot about myself and have a clearer direction of who I want to be. When I bring this to her attention, she keeps on saying that she keeps on thinking about the past and how I would change for a couple of weeks then revert back to the same person. And, why now and not before? My response is, that this is real. I moved out. I cant' see or hold you whenever I want. Before we would just go to bed and see what happens tomorrow. It is completely different. My world has been turned upside down. One thing that I have yet to mention is that I stay over periodically. When we are together and not discussing our current status, everything is great. The love and affection is still there and strong. I'm dazed and confused. How can we love each other so much but she is currently not willing to workout our issues. I mean I dont' think I am a bad person nor a bad husband. I just think we got to a point where we started losing our appreciation for each other. I don't know where to go from here. Do I continue to maintain contact knowing that everything is great when we are together or do I cut communication? I am so confused and wish I knew where our relationship was heading. I love her but I wanted to make these changes for myself because I realized that who I was, was not the person I wanted to be. I feel like I have made leaps and bounds over who was to who I actually am. Any advice is appreciated and sorry for the long post.:scratchhead:


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

NunoT said:


> Hello everyone,
> 
> I am new to this forum and wanted to vent to someone, anyone, outside of my network of friends and family. I am currently separated from my wife of 2 years for the last 3 weeks. We have been together though for a total of 12. We met in high school but only started seeing each other at the age of 18. Over the past 2-3 years, she has approached me a couple of times about certain issues that she finds in our relationship. Maybe, at those points I was comfortable in the relationship and truely did not take her complaints to heart. After each of those conversations I would try to address those issues but only to find myself back to my old ways within a couple of weeks. Some of those complaints were the lack of assistance with household chores, or the feeling of not showing her that I appreciate what she does. I did and still do but I guess I got to the point that maybe I just expected certain things to be done. Now I don't want to make it sound as if I am the entire reason why we are were we are. With her, one my issues was the way she spoke to me infront of people and in private. I felt like she gave me no respect. I think because I never really had the chance to experience single life as an adult and find who I really am, I started subconsciousely viewing her as a mother figure. She would ask me to make a doctors appointment, wash the dishes, or even tell me to clean my teeth before I had a chance to do it. I think our underlying issue was that I was always affraid to speakup in fear that she might leave me. My insecurities, I believe, lead us to this point. I let her become that "mother figure". I realize that 3 weeks is not a long time but I have come to realize alot about myself and have a clearer direction of who I want to be. When I bring this to her attention, she keeps on saying that she keeps on thinking about the past and how I would change for a couple of weeks then revert back to the same person. And, why now and not before? My response is, that this is real. I moved out. I cant' see or hold you whenever I want. Before we would just go to bed and see what happens tomorrow. It is completely different. My world has been turned upside down. One thing that I have yet to mention is that I stay over periodically. When we are together and not discussing our current status, everything is great. The love and affection is still there and strong. I'm dazed and confused. How can we love each other so much but she is currently not willing to workout our issues. I mean I dont' think I am a bad person nor a bad husband. I just think we got to a point where we started losing our appreciation for each other. I don't know where to go from here. Do I continue to maintain contact knowing that everything is great when we are together or do I cut communication? I am so confused and wish I knew where our relationship was heading. I love her but I wanted to make these changes for myself because I realized that who I was, was not the person I wanted to be. I feel like I have made leaps and bounds over who was to who I actually am. Any advice is appreciated and sorry for the long post.:scratchhead:


My advice is do what your heart tells you. Sometimes you just need space to figure things out. Invite her to lunch and tell her you want discuss your relationship, if she refuses than you have a decision to make. Suggest MC!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NunoT (Jun 14, 2013)

RSFWID said:


> My advice is do what your heart tells you. Sometimes you just need space to figure things out. Invite her to lunch and tell her you want discuss your relationship, if she refuses than you have a decision to make. Suggest MC!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's exactly what I'm confused about. My heart is telling me that I want to spend every moment with her but my mind is telling me that we shouldn't. Up until yesterday we spent the last 4 nights together. Everything was great. Until today. She asked me yesterday to put the flee collar on my dog because he had a vet appointment this morning. So text me after she left asking if remembered what she wanted me to do. I honestly forgot that she even mentioned it. But instead of simply saying "don't forget the flee collar" she was testing me. Which this is another frustration I have with her. I do forget to do little things here and there but she says that she is tired of having to remind me to do things. I don't think with bigger topics I forget but I have a lot going in outside of our relationship that I get distracted easily. I'm so frustrated with this while thing. I'm essentially living out of a bag currently because I feel that if I settle into my brothers house that its over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

NunoT said:


> That's exactly what I'm confused about. My heart is telling me that I want to spend every moment with her but my mind is telling me that we shouldn't. Up until yesterday we spent the last 4 nights together. Everything was great. Until today. She asked me yesterday to put the flee collar on my dog because he had a vet appointment this morning. So text me after she left asking if remembered what she wanted me to do. I honestly forgot that she even mentioned it. But instead of simply saying "don't forget the flee collar" she was testing me. Which this is another frustration I have with her. I do forget to do little things here and there but she says that she is tired of having to remind me to do things. I don't think with bigger topics I forget but I have a lot going in outside of our relationship that I get distracted easily. I'm so frustrated with this while thing. I'm essentially living out of a bag currently because I feel that if I settle into my brothers house that its over.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's sounds like you have to pay attention to what's bothering her and and don't give her a chance to test you. I mean your a man and you always want to be treated as such. So that being said, take initiative to do things without her having to tell you. Respect is something you earn it's not giving. Women want men who take charge. And font leave your home.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Are either of you in counseling? Be it individual or marital?

Are you happy with who you are?


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## NunoT (Jun 14, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> Are either of you in counseling? Be it individual or marital?
> 
> Are you happy with who you are?


Neither one of us are in counseling. If u asked me that question a month ago II would have said yes but after all this I actually wasn't. I've come to realize a lot of things about who I am and who I want to be. I've started focusing more on work, which for a while I was mentally checked out as well as other things that I just let get away. I feel like I am starting to figure out who I am. But I desperately want to include her in my journey.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

NunoT said:


> Neither one of us are in counseling. If u asked me that question a month ago II would have said yes but after all this I actually wasn't. I've come to realize a lot of things about who I am and who I want to be. I've started focusing more on work, which for a while I was mentally checked out as well as other things that I just let get away. I feel like I am starting to figure out who I am. But I desperately want to include her in my journey.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Who you ultimately become has nothing to do with her and everything to do with you. You and you only. As she doesn't define you and you surely do not define her.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Listen to your mind.
Your old lady wants to be treated like a wife during the day, but wants to be treated like a women at night. so sure there is a time to compromise, but then there is a time to stand up and be confident in what you need.

What I mean is, that your confusion will be the death of this marriage, may I suggest that right or wrong you need to make decisions that will meet each others needs even when you think your not meeting hers. Sound messed up, but chick like confident men that are not dazed or confused. Make no mistake there is a big difference between being calm and firm versus irrational.

Even though your decisions may not be what they want...at the end of the day they are your boundaries and they are meant to be respected and when they are crossed there are consequences.

You have to have boundaries that your old lady must be clear on...she may not like them but she has the choice to either respect them or not and if your with someone that can't respect your boundaries then why in the hell are you with them in the 1st place?

Stop being confused and stop worrying about losing your chick, cuz the more scared you are the sooner you will lose your chick, and most often then not you will be the last one to know that your chick has no respect for you.

So in short take the risk in losing your chick with these new boundaries, cuz in the end you will lose her when she knows you have no boundaries! 

Pick your battles and protect your self from the emotional torture one has to face when there boundaries are negotiable.

I hope soon you will find the self esteem that will make you unafraid of losing any body...in the end they sould be happy to have you and the protection you offer in being in a committed and healthy relationship


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

the guy said:


> Listen to your mind.
> Your old lady wants to be treated like a wife during the day, but wants to be treated like a women at night. so sure there is a time to compromise, but then there is a time to stand up and be confident in what you need.
> 
> What I mean is, that your confusion will be the death of this marriage, may I suggest that right or wrong you need to make decisions that will meet each others needs even when you think your not meeting hers. Sound messed up, but chick like confident men that are not dazed or confused. Make no mistake there is a big difference between being calm and firm versus irrational.
> ...


What you're talking about are healthy boundaries set by a man who knows what he is and is not okay with. This is not possible when the boundaries are based consciously or sub consciously around "Will she like who I am if I ... do this! No? Okay ... what about .. this ... no ... UGH! Why doesn't she like me when I'm doing what she SAYS she wants?!"

He also has to want to learn how to take care of himself because he wants to for his own sake, not for the sake of impressing his wife, or anything else for that matter.

Co-dependency at it's finest.


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## RSFWID (Jun 5, 2013)

06Daddio08 said:


> What you're talking about are healthy boundaries set by a man who knows what he is and is not okay with. This is not possible when the boundaries are based consciously or sub consciously around "Will she like who I am if I ... do this! No? Okay ... what about .. this ... no ... UGH! Why doesn't she like me when I'm doing what she SAYS she wants?!"
> 
> He also has to want to learn how to take care of himself because he wants to for his own sake, not for the sake of impressing his wife, or anything else for that matter.
> 
> Co-dependency at it's finest.


I hope I wasn't offensive , wasn't trying to be. I was making the same mistakes and its not a good thing. I have a lot problems in my M that need to be worked out. So I'm no expert. But I will say praying for direction and going to IC is a good start. What I'm starting to realize is that communication is key in all marriages and that is something I failed at. Learn from your mistakes it will help you be s better person no matter what the situation is. Ill pray for you and hope you guys can workit out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

06Daddio08 said:


> What you're talking about are healthy boundaries set by a man who knows what he is and is not okay with. This is not possible when the boundaries are based consciously or sub consciously around "Will she like who I am if I ... do this! No? Okay ... what about .. this ... no ... UGH! Why doesn't she like me when I'm doing what she SAYS she wants?!"
> 
> He also has to want to learn how to take care of himself because he wants to for his own sake, not for the sake of impressing his wife, or anything else for that matter.
> 
> Co-dependency at it's finest.


So often folk start dating think will this person like me, when in fact it should be will *I* like this peson. 
Then marriage comes in to play and again " I don't want to lose my spouse and what can I do" ......

Now throw in infidelity and one still think its there fault that their spouse screwed around on them......

I strongly suggest you adjust your thinking towards " what your wife can do to keep you around and save *her* marriage...

At the very least this new thinking will raise your sexual rank by having the confidence to go find someone that will respect and want to be with you.

It gets very messy when your old lady thinks she can do what ever she wants and you can't or won't find someone to replace her!

It may sound counter productive, but if your old lady thought she could be replaced at any time...she might have thought twice in screwing around on you.

But the fact is she see's no consequence in disrespecting you cuz at the end of the day she figured you weren't smart enought to find out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Daddio, thanks for telling me what I was talking about...LOL I've been here so long sometimes I just spit out what ever comes to mind.
It was 3 yrs ago I was going through this crap and sometimes I just go off on what worked for me.


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## NunoT (Jun 14, 2013)

I'm not really sure where u got the idea that she is or was sleeping around on me. I am 100% certain that this is not the case. As far as respect, I didn't mean to give the wrong impression. I have spoken up in the past on certain actions that she has said or done. But again on the other hand there has been times where I have said nothing because I knew that I would lose it and thought if that happen we would breakup, my mistake. I appreciate all of ur advice and I have an open hear. Obviously there was something in my relationship that needs change. Ill start with myself and self worth first. Then work on my marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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