# O.A.T. ---Official Anger Thread---



## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

In case you were wondering by the dots, O.A.T. is indeed an acronym. It stands for *"Official Anger Thread". *That is what I propose this thread should become.

O.A.T. is a cathartic place to vent, rant, and otherwise disharge negative energy that if left in place could damage the individual, or slow the necessary process of healing and closure.

Let's be honest. Most of us on this post have been hurt, and quite often critically hurt by the very person we felt would always be there for us and love us the most. Fear of betrayal and change typically leads to resentment. Resentment held in the mind always gives birth to anger. From watching the Star Wars movies a "bazillion" times, Yoda has taught me that: *"Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." * Not too bad for a little guy with odd syntax. 

It is not healthy to hold onto anger. An Eastern quote that comes to mind that illustrates this is: *"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”*

It is with this in mind that I say we create an official anger post, where we can learn and share with one another strategies and ways we overcame this debilitating anger and embraced life again. Remember Ralph Waldo Emerson's words: *"For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” *

A closing thought...

*What O.A.T. is not:* 

O.A.T. is not a place to fantasize about violence or record events of actual violence to others. A restraining order never helped anyone. O.A.T. is not a place to encourage or promote destructive or vindictive behaviors. It is also not a place to condemn or be hypercritical of others. Let's strive to make O.A.T. a behavior laboratory for learning. 

In closing, one of my favorite anger quotes is by Mark Twain. * "When angry, count to four. When very angry, swear."* I think that says a lot. So be creative in your spelling people, and let's see what we can slip by the software.

Who would like to go first?


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

As far as what I do to cope with my divorce. I went back to working out which I have not had time for since I was with her. Cause between the relationship I had work and school. I am doing P90X and eating better when I remember to eat which used to never be a problem knowing I have low blood sugar. 


As for a quote "Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us" and this is a toughy to work on.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Nice lead off Carefulthoughts. Exercise is indeed a good strategy, as is schooling or general self-improvement. As for your quote, you certainly are correct CT. We have been forgiven for greater "wrongs" or trespasses than the ones committed against us, and while forgiveness isn't easy it is essential to "our" healing.

Next batter up...


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

I have turned my energies into my son, or quite simply become super dad!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Outstanding answer sirch. We'd all be wise to do the same.

LIL


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## whattodo17 (Jan 12, 2010)

So happy for this thread!

Right now I am so angry! Not so much at the big picture but angry at him for the little things. Yesterday while walking thru Target shopping I couldn't help but notice all the happy couples with there children while I was trying to grocery shop by myself with a screaming two year old. Then, while trying to lug in all my groceries by myself in the freezing cold with a screaming two year old waiting for supper. I can't help but be angry at him for leaving me. He left me when I needed him the most. He walked out on my for his own selfish reasons and no matter what I do or say nothing will change that. 

I try to focus on doing something for myself but how do I find the time when I am taking care of everything by myself? I work a full time job and clean the house and try to take care of my daughter. When he has her he lets her rampage the house and then I am left to clean it all up. But, let me ask him to pick up her toys and I am a worthless b****. My days with my daughter I am left cleaning the house so in turn on his days he gets to take her to all the fun places and blow all his money. 

I'm angry that he let my family down because they loved him so much and treated him as there own. He used to call my dad everyday now he never calls and I can tell that my dad really misses talking to him. He used to call my grandmother everyday and that has stopped also. What do I tell my family? That he doesn't love me anymore? Sure, break my heart into yet another million pieces.

I'm angry that he seems so dang happy at the life he has chosen without me. Why? Why do I love him so much? I wasn't happy in the marriage but now that he walked out I feel so helpless and alone. 

Most of all, I'm angry at myself for not being able to get on with my life. I look at my daughter and want to be a better person for her but right now I just don't know how to pull that strength together. I don't want to fight, I don't want to go thru court because I know first hand what that does to children. I don't want to be going thru this. 

Ok, rant over!


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well that was a mouth full whattodo. And I concur with you. I just wish one day we get off this rollercoaster of emotions.Each day I do notice it gets a little easier. 

I understand your feelings for your daughter and how over run you are with things to do. But as time goes on she will see how much you had to give of yourself so she was taken care of. Sometimes thats all you can ask for.

Its also understandable why you can't move on. I don't feel like I have moved on much. But I notice that today I was able to put one foot in front of the other and remembered to breath. And because she wasn't here with me I still lived.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Not a rant at all whattodo17. Actually, it's all very sad, and I think you are holding up as well as imagined considering what occurred.
Betrayal and abandonment is tough, especially when a young child is involved. Sometimes it just seems like it's all too much to bear, but it's not. You will get through this.

It's hard when someone you thought loved you "takes you for a ride". I know I've been there as well. When you look back it always seems obvious whattodo17, but it never is at the time. I'm pretty sure everyone on this board has felt or is feeling like you do W17. Ihere really is no secret to getting over anger. Buddha said: "You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” 

Often times the frustration in a relationship comes from the fact you did do most things right. Yo made sure to color inside the lines, but your partner screwed you anyway for selfish reasons of their own. 

I would definitely set firmer boundaries with him regarding the condition of your house when it is returned to you if he wishes to keep using it. I would also get him out of the habit of referring to you by anything other than your given name. There is no place for profanity towards you; especially now. If he wanted freedom he has it. Now it's just abusive.

As for your life, it is going to take some time to put that back together. How long I really can't say. I haven't got to that part yet myself. Good luck and God bless W17. You're doing fine.

LIL


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## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

I COMPLETELY empathize with you 'whattodo'. My husband and I were married for 6 years then divorced for 8 years and I married him again 3 years ago after he spent 16 months in state jail and now he's left me. I am saddled with all of the kids activites and no help from him. The kids won't have anything to do with him anyway, so I guess I really can't blame him for that. What I am mad about is he promised me no matter what, he would never leave me again...well he has. 

It took a lot of convincing of our children (ages- 16 (twin girls), and 12 (boy), my family and friends to give him another chance. And here I am eating crow because they were all right---leopards don't change their spots. 

I am angry because I feel like I have wasted the last 4 years of my life trying to rekindle a fire under the same torched marriage I had before. The only consolation I have is that from what his mom and stepdad have told me is that he is unhappy. My mother-in-law saw him last weekend and he was cut-offish to her and she told him to put a smile on his face and he told her he didn't have anything to smile about. Good enough for him I say!

But since he's been gone, I was very upset for about a month. I started working out at the gym and eating healthier and I've lost 30 pounds so far. I still have a long way to go but I am happier and I do sleep nights. I still think about him everyday but it is not forefront in my mind. Nights are the hardest, but the key is getting on with life. Like I said before, he's the loser in all this...and I think he already knows that.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Outstanding sue1168, the best vengeance is always happiness. The next best is success. I intend to do lots of both.

LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

.."the best vengeance is always happiness. The next best is success. I intend to do lots of both."

AMEN! It's a wonderful feeling to have both!!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Looks like you took my thread and expanded on it. . .good job.

Well, I'll say this, and this may sound ignorant to some, but it's a little true.

I got laid 2x this weekend with my girlfriend and it really helped with my anger (go ahead and laugh - it's funny to a certain degree). It was the first time for sex for me in over 24 months.

There is some science to support this. After a male has sex, his levels of oxytocin soar. Oxytocin is the "lovey-dovey" hormone that women generally have more of circulating. I generally now don't care what she is doing (or not doing) to a certain extent. Well, let's just say this. . .I am more confident and less angry. More certain of my position but less confrontational.

It's not a panacea (cure-all) but it did help.

So. . .if it works for any here. . .try to get laid.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Great thread LIL!

Im up at 3am...and im pissed. but this is nothing unusual for me. my H is sleeping soundly. lord knows he's never lost any sleep over our problems. although he did lose sleep over his video games...

i gave up my life to be with him, and for what?!? Im practically a nun. and the best part, oh the best part is that i "saved" myself for my H. I just cant believe how stupid it all is.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Scannerguard, not bad advice. A little "frisky" for the anger board, but it works for me. Sex, a sure fire way to quench the fires of anger. Guess that sort of explains why I'm generally pis*ed off with my wife. I always sort of figured as much. So people, listen to SG, and "smoke em if ya got em". 

LIL


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

Blanca said:


> Great thread LIL!
> 
> Im up at 3am...and im pissed. but this is nothing unusual for me. my H is sleeping soundly. lord knows he's never lost any sleep over our problems. although he did lose sleep over his video games...
> 
> i gave up my life to be with him, and for what?!? Im practically a nun. and the best part, oh the best part is that i "saved" myself for my H. I just cant believe how stupid it all is.


Blanca, I hear ya sista. I will never ever friggin never figure out why guys shut their wife's down. The grass is no greener on this side of the fence, but it's the heifer's fault and not the bulls in my pasture.

When I'm troubled and can't sleep at night, I generally will read. Vincent Peale has a book on the power of positive thinking. Actually, it's on that and called that. Anyway there are a couple of great sections on meditation and relaxation that I have found wonderfully helpful when I'm troubled.

LIL


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## Cgreene21 (Feb 11, 2010)

I actually just let my anger lose "Office Space" style. Being an IT guy, I've got a pile of old computer equipment thats headed to the scrap yard.

1 hour lunch + sledgehammer = therapy.

I also set up a "Positive Vibes" playlist on my ipod. At least this way I won't get sucker punched by a sappy love song.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

> So people, listen to SG, and "smoke em if ya got em".


Or smoke mine if you don't. :lol:


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

There definitely can be something cathartic in breaking out the ol' BFH Cgreene21. I hear you there guy. I read your other post about "manning up", well looks like you've done it with a return to the very traditional man's play book. 

Destruction...manly, but messy. Hope you swept up when you were finished. Drat, I've gone and ruined everything. Sweeping, not manly...or is it?

LIL


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

lastinline said:


> When I'm troubled and can't sleep at night, I generally will read. Vincent Peale has a book on the power of positive thinking. Actually, it's on that and called that. Anyway there are a couple of great sections on meditation and relaxation that I have found wonderfully helpful when I'm troubled.
> 
> LIL


Thanks, LIL. i'll check it out. I do meditate sometimes, but havent been doing it regularly. anyway, feeling much more mellow today. its weird; some days i care, some days i dont.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I didn't become a parent to play the role of spectator while someone else raises my children.

By virtue of the fact that you do what is necessary to provide for your family and therefore cannot always be available - you get to watch someone else step in as a surrogate for no other reason than they don't have to provide for anybody, and they are available. 

Knowing that another man, the other man, is stepping in, has spent and will spend far more time with my children than I will, bothers me. A lot.

Whereas if I were not part of the equation in paying for food and housing, Mr. "Whatever you need, whenever you need it." would be forced into doing the very thing that original husbands and fathers catch sh!t for - busting their ass working to protect their family.

The fact that we are generally supposed to accept this as the norm chafes my ass too.

I've had this discussion with several mothers who regret the role their x-husbands have to fulfill - but nonetheless they expect them to. When I asked them to consider reversing roles; you no longer have full access to your kids, you see them maybe twice a week, and you get to hear about another woman mothering them ... not one of them would either accept those circumstances or acknowledge that they were 'for the best'.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Deejo said:


> I didn't become a parent to play the role of spectator while someone else raises my children.
> 
> By virtue of the fact that you do what is necessary to provide for your family and therefore cannot always be available - you get to watch someone else step in as a surrogate for no other reason than they don't have to provide for anybody, and they are available.
> 
> ...


*HEAR! HEAR!* 

The two situations that get my goat more than any other in a divorce is the custody nonsense and the abuse nonsense. 


#1--Custody. I personally am of the opinion that marriage is much more than a contract, since I'm a Christian, but I think we'd go a LONG WAY if we treated divorces like a breach of contract. Namely, if you enter a contract saying you'll stay and you decide to breath the contract, we can't make you stay...but we can make you face the consequences of breaching! 

It makes perfect sense to me that the partner who has the affair is free to go, but they lose the home, the custody of the children and any right to alimony and child support. Common sense says if you're a guy and your wife worked to put you through medical school and now you're a doctor schtuping the nurse...you pay her something equivalent for breaking the contract, and you lose your home and kids. Likewise if you're the wife and your husband worked for years to provide for you and the kids and now you're schtuping the mail man..you lose the house and kids and he gets 'em! That seems fair to me (and my guess is that if that was the law, a lot fewer people would up and leave). 

It seems clear to me that the divorce laws right now are purposely made so that affairs "don't look so bad" and you don't have to pay for the choice to destroy your family. I say if you make that choice--you pay for it. 

#2--Abuse. It drives me nuts that there are people who actually are with a spouse that is verbally, mentally and emotionally abusive and yet along comes a vindicative spouse in an affair, and in order to avoid the cost of THEIR OWN CHOICE, they cry wolf and use that as a maneuver to get the house and kids. That INFURIATES me actually because that diminishes those who really have to deal with it. Furthermore, it drives me nuts that women will "smack" their men or "slap" them or chase them with scissors or throw a plate--and it's perfectly justified. But let a man do that and it's physical abuse. Now don't get me wrong. It is physical abuse. But to my mind what's good for the goose is good for the gander. Over and over again I've met men who's wives are ... well let's say it-ABUSIVE-and since the abuse industry is so one-side that men are the perpetrators and women are the victims, even if the wife slapped and the man had a black eye--the cops arrest him and she can't retract it. She was the perp and HE was the victim!! And there are no "men's abuse shelters" and no counselors for abused men. There's no federal funding or support groups. Men are on their own with no recourse. 

RRRRRRRRRR!!! :FIREdevil:

(steps down off her soapbox)


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

:allhail:



> It seems clear to me that the divorce laws right now are purposely made so that affairs "don't look so bad" and you don't have to pay for the choice to destroy your family. I say if you make that choice--you pay for it.


"People" in todays world have been conditioned to lack common sense. Logic need not apply.........


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Affaircare: Hence the No Fault divorce! No person is at fault? haha....in Texas, for the most part...it doesn't matter if a spouse had an affair 50 times. It's still no fault.

I had never thought of treating a divorce like a breach of contract, but that really rang a bell with me.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I am where you all are at to a certain extent - I am being replaced by another man in the home, almost immediately.

Here's what the guy loses in a divorce:

1. Access to kids (a lot of the time)
2. His home
3. approx. 25-35% of his income
4. his wife/companion

Major bummers. MAJOR, MAJOR LOSSES!

I am trying to wrangle it so I get 1 on 1 time with my kids but the stb-x doesn't want that and she may have the legal upperhand - I may have to take all of them or none of them. This is especially hard because I have a 1.5 year old and the oldest 2 end up neglected and bored and generally not wanting to be there.

But. . .when I get them 1 on 1 - THEY LOVE IT!!! AND I LOVE IT!!!

So. . .my reaction is:

1. Live in the here and now. I am not divorced yet and my new strategy is to prolong it as long as possible and then I take the kids (within reason) to my place as I please and continue to develop my relationship with them.

2. Long term strategy - see above what the non-custodial parent gives up. . .so what do we get?

ANSWER: FREEDOM

Don't barter away your freedom easily!!! Embrace your bachelorhood from a position of strength. It is your only commodity that you are getting on your side of the table. In a way, it's almost expected - so go out and have your midlife crisis if the wifey didn't want to be married to you.

I am frankly getting to the point of "Go ahead - let another man labor in raising my offspring." (in a c**ky like voice) Guess what? No matter what he buys them, no matter what he does for them - they love me as their father. One day they'll tell him, "But you're not my father!" Let that stick in her boyfriend's and her craw. 

I am coming and going as I please in the house. I don't even care anymore if the boyfriend sleeps there. . .it will only blow up in her face.

Is it really the Christian thing to do? To let another man labor in raising my kids? Who knows? As long as they are happy and provided for and I make my child support payment. . .what's the difference?

I think it's best to come at her with a position of strength vs. neediness. The more you show her that you "need" to be with the kids (even though that may be true), the more it gives her leverage.

The kids need me. Yeah, I need them too but I think they need me more - 1 on 1, esp. since our time is so limited. By me not begging her for them, I think it reminds her of what's at stake.

They are drawn to emotional stability and strength. So much so. . .now the oldest is *asking* to come live with me. (which I would love to have him - but I am not sure if it's legally possible to split custody)

This is a time to draw on your "Bad Side", the Devil in you, vs. the God in you. 

"I feel your anger. . .it 

gives

you

FOCUS!"


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

:smthumbup:

LOL. . .I swear I watch this almost daily to think about how to tap into your bad side:

YouTube - captain kirk goes crazy!! best of william shatner

Look at all the emotions "Bad Kirk" experiences in this episode:

Anger
Indignance
Pride
Threatened
Crafty
Cunning
Lustful
Arrogant
Bullying

If it's not out yet, divorce is the "Transporter" that will split you into 2 people.

And as Spock notes in the end (and my gf) - "Bad Scannerguard" has some interesting qualities, wouldn't you say?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I'm in touch with my dark side ... but I haven't tried wearing eye-liner yet. Bad Captain Kirk and Captain Jack Sparrow pull it off rather nicely.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

As I just found out about his third affair on march 4 (2 days after my birthday!), and 2 days since I moved out I still have so much rage inside me. My family wanted to sit us down and have a family meeting over this next week but I know I'm not ready, I feel like I could spit on his face if I see him now. I have a toddler and I just don't know how to channel my anger right now so it's all still bottled up inside me. I cried so much but that only make me even angrier.  

Any ideas?


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## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

Scannerguard said:


> The kids need me. Yeah, I need them too but I think they need me more - 1 on 1, esp. since our time is so limited. By me not begging her for them, I think it reminds her of what's at stake.
> 
> They are drawn to emotional stability and strength. So much so. . .now the oldest is *asking* to come live with me. (which I would love to have him - but I am not sure if it's legally possible to split custody)"





I know that in Texas if the kids are at least 12, the judge takes into consideration who they want to live with. If they are in their teens, it's pretty much up to the kids. This is the standard provided that both parents can provide equally for the kids.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

morningdew said:


> As I just found out about his third affair on march 4 (2 days after my birthday!), and 2 days since I moved out I still have so much rage inside me. My family wanted to sit us down and have a family meeting over this next week but I know I'm not ready, I feel like I could spit on his face if I see him now. I have a toddler and I just don't know how to channel my anger right now so it's all still bottled up inside me. I cried so much but that only make me even angrier.
> 
> Any ideas?


Actually morningdew--I would suggest that what you're feeling is *rage* and not anger. Anger is a way to stand up for ourselves and protect ourselves, but rage is an emotion...a very STRONG emotion that can be overwhelming. Usually a person feels rage when some serious damage has been done--serious, traumatic harm. The first thing you can do is accept the fact that you don't have the right to harm another person, and it sounds like you've accepted that because you said if you saw him, you'd spit on him...and thus you're not ready. So the second thing you can do is to find a constructive way to release the rage. Some folks do the whole "beat on pillows thing" and although that does give you a physical outlet and that can sometimes feel somewhat better--I don't know if that's the best option. 

A couple other things you could do to constructively release rage might be to write EXACTLY what you think--you could write in a journal (swear words and all) or you could write a letter addressing the person who hurt you. I mean this sincerely--be completely uncensored. Write it ALL and not matter how mean, hateful, spiteful and wicked it sounds, get it off your chest. Often this will release the pent up feelings and then you feel a little stronger. You can decide if you want to mail the letter or if you want to burn it--but either way it's not longer locked inside you. 

If you do decide to meet with him with the family, you can do a few things to prepare. Like before you meet, let them all know that you have been feeling VERY, *VERY *angry with him and will do your best to be self-controlled, but you might need to call time-out. You'd be surprised how people can "deal with it" if you tell them before you tear into them! Also try to notice how your body reacts just before you get really made. Do you clench your teeth? Hold your breath? Chest get tight? If you notice these things in yourself, tell the "family meeting" that you need to take a five minute break and step outside, go to the bathroom...whatever. 

Sometimes people feel rage when they're not allowed to express healthy anger. If that's the case with your husband or family, again tell them ahead of time that they are not responsible for your anger and they don't have to "fix it"--but that you will be honest and you will be expressing what you think and what you feel. You aren't "holding it in" anymore just to make them all comfortable with a lie. Know what I mean? When you own your own feeling of rage and take responsibility for it and let people know you aren't going to harm them, it can make a big difference!

One last thought. Rage is actually an emotion that has a lot of energy to it. You may want to find a way to release some of that energy that is a positive thing. Now some folks recommend meditating or praying--and those things surely do not hurt--but they also don't focus or release the energy of that feeling! It's like sitting still when you want to run and scream! So I'd suggest seeing if you can find some POSITIVE thing to do that is sort of related to the rage. Like for example, can you volunteer at a event at your church or house of faith that helps couples stay faithful? (See how that's a positive thing about unfaithfulness?) Or learn how to help men or women involved in domestic violence? Shoot sometimes it's as easy as planting bushes! My personal story: my ex was also unfaithful multiple times and the last time he moved in with OW. Well the whole time we were married he never wanted bleeding heart plants and I *LOVE* them so I was mad and I planted like six of them right by our front door!  Yeah...I felt a little better after that.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Affaircare, thank you so very much taking the time to reply and answering my question. You're right I am still very much outraged the he had cheated with one of his staff at work (just found out about that today and gotten her name), just last month on February 19 he said he had to go out of town for one of his audit trip and guess what...he went there (or somewhere else only God knows) with that girl. The company's driver just told me that today of how shocked he was when he came to picked my husband at the airport on Feb 21st and saw that girl there. I still remember how tired he looked after he got home that night and went straight to bed after he lightly kissed me. I feel I'm being taken for a fool for actually really thought he had to work so much. One of my 'proof' picture did showed the two of them in a plane and the date was Feb 19. 

I might have to try that pillow thing! Seriously, this is bottling up so much inside me. I feel like I have to act as if I'm alright especially during the day when my son is around me, my mom in the back. Wish I could just go somewhere for a day or two so I can cry myself blind from morning till morning again if I feel like it or screaming this pain constricting my chest away. But at night times (yes I haven't been able to sleep until it's 4-5 in the morning) I find myself crying silently because I don't want my mother to hear it. What you said hit me right on the spot, I need to stop bottling this inside just because I am currently living at my parents'. 

I had actually wrote a couple of poems tonight just before I saw your reply and it felt a little better to do that so I will have to try writing how I really feel inside. I probably won't send it to him, God knows I've been writing him long letters/emails in the past 2 years which he barely respond to. 

That 'time-out' thing is surely a great idea and I didn't even think about it. I've been telling myself not to let him see my cry if we do have that family meeting next week. He also had 'attacked' me by sending a message to my father telling him what a bad mother I was and how I cheated on him before we have our son, which is so not true. That made me even angrier and in that message (which my mother showed me), he still denies everything, the affairs...which only makes me feel even more disgusted by his guts. 

My family is very religious so they took me to the church two nights ago. I cried myself blind shaking when I started praying and it did feels good after that but then when the pastor started praying with his hand on my head telling me to forgive my husband, my soul just revolt. I can't do that just yet...I know I need to let it go and to forgive so I can move on but being that was only a day after I moved out I feel like they are trying to force me to say "Lord, I forgive my husband, please forgive him." when I am still literally bleeding. The pastor then told my mother that I had too much bitterness inside me so it's gonna be a long road...

I will copy paste your reply so I can read it again. Thank you so much!


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

morningdew, your post truly saddens me. The original purpose of this thread was to help equip people with the tools they need to cope with these situations. 

In your case, I don't believe beating up on hapless pillows is going to help much. I would continue with the journaling/writing as it is very important to transfer these feelings into concrete thoughts so they can be dealt with. 

There is a fine balance to be had here as well, as too much journaling tends to focus you on the negative. As an exercise in health, try also writing about how much happier your life is going to be in 2 years, and what steps you'll take to get there morningdew.

I am appalled by the pressure being place upon you to forgive your husband. As I understand it, to be forgiven one first must be repentant, and from what you've wrote I see no sign of that in his life.

However, that being said, you need to let it go before it consumes you. You seem like a very senstive soul MD, try confiding in a close friend with tight lips, or find a good counselor if your means allow. I wish I had more for you than that. God bless.

LIL


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

lastinline said:


> morningdew, your post truly saddens me. The original purpose of this thread was to help equip people with the tools they need to cope with these situations.
> 
> In your case, I don't believe beating up on hapless pillows is going to help much. I would continue with the journaling/writing as it is very important to transfer these feelings into concrete thoughts so they can be dealt with.
> 
> ...


LIL, thank you for your reply.Maybe I need to post it in my own thread.

I am a very sensitive person and I find writing does helps. Thank you for the ideas to write about what I'd see in the future. That would give hopes for a brighter day. 

Yes, I was so mad and sad that I was forced to forgive him while he's clearly still denying everything and blaming me for it all. Actually, now that you mentioned 'repent' I just realized how he never apologize about the first 2 affairs (granted the proofs weren't as clear as I have now) but still it hurts me so much but he and I just moved on or tried to. 

Again, I really appreciate your help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay folks posting on this thread--please name ONE POSITIVE THING about being either separated from your spouse or divorcing. 

(FYI, I am the world's biggest advocate for keeping marriages together. Ask Hynd--I always have hope because where there's life, there's hope. *BUT* sometimes life give ya lemons. So if you got handed lemons, what are some positives?)

I'll start! 

1) I put my feet up on the coffee table because he wasn't around to tell me no. 

2) I could wantonly drink grape juice while wearing a white blouse without being told I'd spill it. 

3) I wore my shoes on my own livingroom carpet! 

...next


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## hyndsight1 (Jan 28, 2010)

As tragic as this is for the kids, the time we spend together now is so much more fulfilling. I never realized how much time I invested in making sure *her* needs were met. 

Thats just 1, I will not make 'excuses' for my situation, but my 'list' grows daily.


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## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

My rant-
My STBXH fought me for custody (to get out of paying child support) we went to mediation and set up a schedule, i was granted primary because his schedule doesn't allow anymore time than what he agreed to.
We have had the agreement for not even a month and he has blown off parenting time 4X. Today I showed up at his house with the children and he wasn't even home, he can't take them because he is leaving town with his new girlfriend!
AND he doesn't have enough money to give the girls lunch money but he can plan a trip to Minneapolis!
I am so angry! He is such a narcissistic, selfish a$$hol3.


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## Alixendriss (Aug 13, 2014)

hyndsight1 said:


> :allhail:
> 
> 
> 
> "People" in todays world have been conditioned to lack common sense. Logic need not apply.........


IMO People of today's world have been conditioned to lack morality and a sense of responsibility. Today people have to look up 'honor' in a dictionary because they were never taught it or expected to live by it. Good character used to mean more than all the money in the world, now its laughed at while greed eats the hearts and minds of people.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

How many pages can l use ? ln this whole 2 yrs or so l realize now l've never let my anger out. It's been control , keeping it together for me , my daughter, sanity ,
l haven't even worked it out on a boxing bag, does that help ? l don't even own one.
l grieved got as upset as l feel in my private times , l've just gone with that , let it be and work through.
But l've blocked anger all this time .
l've come a long long way, a long way and l'm proud what l've done and keeping it together , working with my daughter. My God , l have done so much ,hard to believe.
But l realize now l've controlled my anger right through. l've worked on a quick temper for years and l've let myself feel anger but not to much . But l've never let myself get angry. l've felt l'd lose it if l did.

But there's l think things that still make me rage if l'd let them , well, actually one is just plain sad , really really sad.
When l see a couple now , 20yrs or more , that makes me sad . We were getting to that and we could've gone on to grow old and fat and happy together . We could've easily saved ourselves and been that , one of those couples . Just makes me so sad.
Anger , at my ex , for giving up on us and her family , my daughter , at the mess she's left all our lives in now and that l feel my life is over now.
lf l was to let myself l feel so much anger still , but l'd lose the plot.
Our house has had to be sold , a house l went through hell to get for us. And l had to think of somewhere to move to where l'd be happy but me and my daughter could also be happy and l'd still be close to her.
Well it's really nice , it's on the coast , but it's tiny. l don't like tiny , and l mean tiny. That's the thing..
But there weren't any other choices staying close , nowhere else l liked , my d liked .But l have no life here , apart from my daughter. And l'm scared l won't have one here , ever . There's no one around that l click with, not much to do.
No where meet new people cept the beach on a good day and l worry you could easily just grow old alone here.
So l also feel as angry as all hell at her for this , because this is what she's done to me now and the options she's left me with so that l can at least be close to my d.
It's a beautiful spot but when the tourists aren't coming over to swim and hang out ,you just exist out here alone.

l feel so fkg angry that she's taken our family , our life , quit on us all , just quit and now this is the life she's left me and my daughter with. So fkg angry that she's left my daughter to live this stupid house hopping life for the rest of her childhood , with a parent in each and that she's bound now to grow up in the tiny other town , where my ex is living.
Yes , l messed up for sure , but so did she. At the end of the day though l was the one that believed in picking up the pieces and saving our family , our life , growing old together coming out the other side .
l feel disgusted and as angry as all hell still over that stuff and at times l still can't believe it's all happened..


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

Although these days , l think l might've finally reached that indifference level we hear about round here so often.
Somehow , it's finally an oh whatever , who cares anymore type feeling.


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## brokenflowers08 (Sep 11, 2014)

I'm angry that the H blamed everything thing on me. He said I should have picked up on his signals sooner. Really? How about having a real talk about something so I know I need to work on it. Smiling and acting happy will only make me think you ARE happy. He lied to me before about other girls but I have trust issues. He wants to go out drinking alot but I'm the alcoholic. What about him? He just wants to play the victim. No marriage is a bed of roses all the time. It takes work. I'm willing to work but it doesn't seem like he is. I wish he would just make up his mind. Put some work into it or let me go.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/164130-perfect-not.html

One of the most annoying things was that the little things were really good. The only downside was that dhe would not make any lifestyle change and say all issues in the context of "Poor me". 

She did not work, so I worked huge extra hours. She thought, "poor me, I am unemployed and my husband is over worked". Without the poor me, that answer is get a job, with poor me, the anwer was to feel sorry for herself. And so it continued with every single issue.

My Dad would not give me direct advice but told me of how in a supermarket, if a four year old misbehaves or asks for something unreasonable, people tell them what they want to hear and then tackle the issue later. All our agreement on kids, sex and money was like her talking to a four year old being silly in a supermarket. Combined with a huge amount of self-delusion, things became impossible.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

The other thing, that should not annoy me but does, is that I can see how she sees it and how she will describe it. In her mind, she had a hard time, but always looked out for me. I could not cope with not having everything in life work out for me, whereas she was more sanguine. In the end, I treated has as a scapegoat and betrayed her.

I will emphasise, this is not actually what happened, but how I think she sees it. This it not true, just my writing on how it would be unrealistically presented.

In terms of positive things, the house is much cleaner, I am far less lonely, am richer, happier and can have a sex life.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Anybody know what became of the OP, lastinline?

I was really captured by his story when I first came here.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I get angry at the lies and deceit and broken trust, i find it hard to trust people at the best of times and that's why i was like a raging bull, now things have settled (beside not leaving just to be crucified by the CSA) i put my energies into a voluntary group and keeps me busy gave me focus and new self worth, but i'm a fiery ****** at the best of times and now and again rage can ambush me when least expected but i do my damnedest not to show it


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