# I Want Her Back!



## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Been reading for a while but decided to post my own story for advice. I already know I'm going to get slammed but I need advice. I left my wife a few months ago for another woman. Two months into the divorce process I realized what a terrible mistake I was making and asked for my wife's forgiveness. She will have nothing to do with me though. She said she is dead set on divorce because she could never trust me again. I understand what I did was wrong and I would do anything to take it all back but I can't. I am in counseling and my counselor tells me to leave her alone and she will eventually miss me and see the changes I've made. I just wish I could make her see how sorry I am and how much I love her. Have any of you had experience with winning back a betrayed wife?

Ok let the stoning begin.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

I don't see a need to stone someone who is remorseful. Stonings should only be for those who defend cheating.

I think all you can do is be the best you can be and prepare for the worst. My wife had an EA which made her emotionally detach from me. Even though an EA can do more damage to the connection of the souls, if I had learned she had a PA, I believe it would have been much harder to accept.

It all depends on her. You need to give her time and hope for the best, but prepare to move on.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Thanks. I think she's seeing someone which probably kills my chances.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Trust is a very fragile thing. Once its gone, it is very hard to re-establish. My husband had 3 EA/maybe PA's. I tried to work things out until the very last time. If he was truly remorseful, then the other times wuldn't have happened and we WOULD have found a way to work things out.

Who can say if your wife has truly had enough? Maybe she can't take anymore. Only she knows that. I am sorry that you are going through this. It is bad when we realize our mistakes after they hurt other people. In any event, you are going to have to figure out why you did what you did and try to learn from it so that you don't EVER do it again.

No stones...


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Thank you. I agree with you and thats why I'm in counseling. My counselor thinks a lot of it has to do with my poor self esteem and my childhood.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Unfortunately, the bad decisions we make usually have to do with childhood issues. The reason I pick bad, emotionally unavailable and abusive men is because of my paslt too. Im sure of it. I am not sure how to fix that right now, but it is definitely a character flaw in me that I have to address. 

You can not go back and change not one thing you have done. All you can do is to get the help to make sure you will never be capable of it again.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I don't understand why she would start dating someone else if what I did was so unforgivable to her. Isn't that kind of the same thing?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Sorry you are here; however you do seem truly remorseful. Your question above is easy to answer from her point of view. You checked out of the marriage and essentially left her. How do you think she was supposed to feel? If she had done this to you while fully in the marriage; then yes it would be the same kind of thing. But to her, you were already gone so a different situation. There is nothing you can do to "make" her trust you again. That has to come from her. Personally, while I think she jumped into dating someone else and it is most likely more of a rebound thing, it is where she is right now.

Keep working on your own issues. It is a tough road for everyone.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

To me, it would be the same thing. Not everyone looks at it like I do though. I see it as you are still married and neither one should be seeing anyone new. Other people see a separation as an actual break in the marriage and feel free to date others. Some people feel like you broke the vows and the marriage ended then. Some peolpe have to date in order to deal with their emotions. I can't answer for her. I just know what I believe.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I think she may just be trying to get back at me. But I could be wrong. Maybe She really likes this new guy but it's still cheating to me. I know because I did it.  I hate what I did to her.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

You won't know what is going through your wifes head. Maybe she has just had enough. Maybe she can't take any more.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I wish she would just talk to me for 10 mins.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Yeah well, so does my husband. Ain't gonna happen. Waaayyyy too much damage done.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

You will never trust him again? She will not even answer the phone or respond to a text message.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> She will not even answer the phone or respond to a text message.


I don't blame her.

In fact, it's too bad other betrayed spouses aren't as strong.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

Kobe, I am a betrayed wife. No, I will never trust him. Not ever. HE took all the love I had, which was all I had to give, and SH$T on me. He cheated not once, but three times. There is no way I will ever go back. It hurts like hell. I miss him and I love him, but I will never go back.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I know happykaty. I am not denying my actions were terrible.
Betrayedwife I cheated more than once to. I was so gd childish. Should I ask her to go to marriage counseling?


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

You can ask her. It wouldn't hurt. We went to marriage counseling, he betrayed me again anyways. He wants us to go now. I am refusing. I am sure I need counseling, just not with him.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I cheated more than once to. I was so gd childish. Should I ask her to go to marriage counseling?


If she won't respond to a call or text, what makes you think she'd sit on a couch beside you, for 50 minutes, discussing your marriage?


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

5Creed said:


> There is nothing you can do to "make" her trust you again. That has to come from her.


This is not entirely accurate. If there is to be a reconciliation, the rebuilding of trust is mostly on the shoulders of the disloyal spouse. 

You took something sacred, stomped on it, and then spat on it. It's up to you to pick it up, wipe it off, fix it, polish it, etc. It's up to her to decide if that is good enough for her. 

You would have to prove to her that you are worthy of her trust again. By doing whatever she requests for as long as it takes. You don't just have to be remorseful. You have to show her that you are until she feels you truly are. 

You break it, you buy it.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I know I have to rebuild the trust but how can I do that if she refuses to talk to me and is with some other man?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> If she won't respond to a call or text, what makes you think she'd sit on a couch beside you, for 50 minutes, discussing your marriage?


She wanted to go to marriage counseling when I left at first. If she knew I was serious about it I think she would go.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> She wanted to go to marriage counseling when I left at first. If she knew I was serious about it I think she would go.


I wanted to go, at first, too.

Now?

Not a chance in hell.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

What if you knew without a doubt that he was truly sorry for what he had done? I really am and i feel like she would see that if she would just give me a chance to talk to her. What can this new guy give her that I can't. I'm her husband.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I know I have to rebuild the trust but how can I do that if she refuses to talk to me and is with some other man?


With action. Not with words that right now probably seem completely empty to her. What are you texting her? 



Kobe said:


> She wanted to go to marriage counseling when I left at first. If she knew I was serious about it I think she would go.


Then show her you are serious about it, don't just say it. Go without her. Tell her about it. Keep going. Do what the MC/IC says.

She won't talk? Send an email. Attach receipts from your MC visits. Then leave her alone and give her the space that she obviously wants right now. That's her choice. Respect it.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> What can this new guy give her that I can't. I'm her husband.


It's not about what she's getting from another man.

It's about what she's NOT having to deal with now that her cheating husband is out of the picture.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kobe said:


> What if you knew without a doubt that he was truly sorry for what he had done? I really am and i feel like she would see that if she would just give me a chance to talk to her. What can this new guy give her that I can't. I'm her husband.


What did your posOW give you that she couldn't? She's your wife!


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

zillard said:


> With action. Not with words that right now probably seem completely empty to her. What are you texting her?


apologies, mostly. I have asked her to dinner a couple of times. I told her that I was going to counseling to. She doesnt respond to any of them except once she told me to stop contacting her.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

zillard said:


> What did your posOW give you that she couldn't? She's your wife!


Nothing. I enjoyed the attention she gave me because it was new an exciting.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kobe said:


> apologies, mostly. I have asked her to dinner a couple of times. I told her that I was going to counseling to. She doesnt respond to any of them except once she told me to stop contacting her.


If she asked you to stop contacting her, stop contacting her. 

By having an affair you disrespected her. 

You continue to disrespect her by not honoring her request.

That shows her you are still putting you first.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I think she's just confused right now. She can't think clearly with another man in her life.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I think she's just confused right now. She can't think clearly with another man in her life.


Stings, don't it.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

This is what I would do.

1) Figure out how to change into the type of man that would never ever do that. This includes outgrowing the character flaws that led you into an affair. It also includes becoming better at relationships so that you wouldn't be so unhappy in the first place. Your effort should go into improving yourself so that you can be a better partner, if not for your wife, then for someone, someday.

2) Commit to not date until you are divorced. Until that time there is still some chance for an R with your wife. And any other relationships will make this much less likely.

3) Keep asking her out. Not too often. But keeping letting her know you want her back and are willing to work on the marriage. Chances are good that the rebound relationship she is in will not last long.

4) Think seriously about whether you really want to reconcile with your wife. I'm guessing there was some reason you had an affair in the first place. What makes you think you will be happier if you get back together?


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Let me ask you this.. what was the underlying issue that caused you to stray in the first place? If that isn't resolved you will be right back at square one anyway if you R.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

She was out of town a lot for work and I got lonely I guess. Plus I've always craved female attention and just never knew when enough was enough. I took flirting to another level.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

You said you cheated multiple times.

Does she know about that?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Kobe
Go read Rookie4's threads. Start from the beginning. Understand what his ExW did to him and how she has shown him true remorse.

She has shown him all of that since he divorced her 2 years ago.

He had multile gf's.

Then you will understand wht you need to do if you want her back.

Fix your issues first.
She gets to decide if she wants divorce or reconciliation.
You respect her decision.
You fix your issues.
You show her true remorse.

Can you do all that Kobe?

If not leave her alone and move on.

HM64


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

She only knows about the last one. I am going to tell her about all of them if she gives me the chance to. Her daughter called me tonight and asked me to come eat dinner with her tomorrow. do you think my wife is setting this up for us to talk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Thank you happyman. I will read that thread. I'm scared I've already lost her. She is only 24 and very pretty so she can get any guy she wants. She sent a text just now that said: dinner, 7pm. Should I go or not?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> Thank you happyman. I will read that thread. I'm scared I've already lost her. She is only 24 and very pretty so she can get any guy she wants. She sent a text just now that said: dinner, 7pm. Should I go or not?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you not at her mercy, right now? 

Why would you consider NOT going?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Ok I see what you are saying but I guess I'm worried about getting emotional and I also think her bf lives in the same apartment building. What if I see him? I don't know if I could keep my cool. plus some people said to leave her alone, so what am i supposed to do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

If she is asking you over for dinner? You go.

Be calm. And respectful.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

When you cheated you basically told her you wanted nothing to do with her, you were willing to risk all you had with her, to be with someone else. The other person was worth more to you than her, on more than one occasion. Once might be a mistake, but what kind of remorse can you prove you had, if you did it more than once? 
Some people see many things in childhood, some even witness murders, that doesn't mean they grow up to do those things, somehow they know better. 
Why can't you just let her be free and happy? Sort of like how you were when you were with her, I mean you didn't cheat to get sad, right? 
So let her enjoy her life, free from betrayals, worries, and having to put way too much effort into something you just might destroy again. Take it on the chin.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I do want her to be happy but I want it to be with me. I know I messed up and I know I don't deserve her but I want to be the man she married. Don't you agree that everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance? I think her dad is really pushing her in the opposite direction. This new guy works at his law firm and knows her whole family. It makes me so mad that she could just forget about me for someone she just met but I guess that's what I deserve.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I do want her to be happy but I want it to be with me. I know I messed up and I know I don't deserve her but *I want to be the man she married*. Don't you agree that everyone makes mistakes and deserves another chance? I think her dad is really pushing her in the opposite direction. This new guy works at his law firm and knows her whole family. It makes me so mad that she could just forget about me for someone she just met but I guess that's what I deserve.


Isn't the man she married.

A cheater?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I wasn't. She was my whole world and I just lost sight of things.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I wasn't. She was my whole world and I just lost sight of things.


The man she married easily lost sight of things.

Became a cheater.

"I lost sight of things" are excuses for your actions.

Living a life cushioned by excuses is no way to live.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I understand that now. People can change and I am working on it, she is all I want. I don't need anyone else, and I'm just sorry that it took this for me to understand.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I understand that now. People can change and I am working on it, she is all I want. I don't need anyone else, and *I'm just sorry that it took this for me to understand.*


So you understand that if she tells you "no" then you leave her alone and walk away for good?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

She already said no but it's because this new guy has her confused. What are the odds they will work out. It has to be a rebound relationship.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> She already *said no but it's because this new guy has her confused*. What are the odds they will work out. *It has to be a rebound relationship*.


You are assuming.

Which means you really do not get it.

Yet.

She said *no*.

Which means *no*.

Not "No, but secretly this is why I'm saying no because I really don't believe it but I do have a list of 100 things that you could do to make me change my mind."

No, is no.

That alone, is something you should try to understand.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

So just give up and let some other man take my wife?


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> So just give up and let some other man take my wife?


Still don't get it.

That's okay.

Your *stbxw* has the right to make whatever choices she wants in regards to who she wants to spend the rest of her life with.

You, have absolutely no say in it.

Never have.

Never will.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

I can't give up on her. She will see my changes and realize what I am becoming.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I can't give up on her. She will see my changes and realize what I am becoming.


Those who think they know, say they know.

Those who know, know not to say.

You cannot poke her in the ribs until she 'notices'.

All she's going to do.

Is get bruised ribs.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> I can't give up on her. She will see my changes and realize what I am becoming.


Don't hold your breath.

There's a pretty good chance she just had enough.

If that's the case, you won't win her back.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

How do you know that happykaty? She could remember what we had and miss me.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> How do you know that happykaty? *She could remember what we had* and miss me.


What she had was a cheating husband.

How many women did you sleep with again?

How many does she actually know about?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

A total of four. She knows about the last one. I know how terrible that is and I'm not making excuses for it but I am sorry for it and I love my wife. I know that women become bitter when there cheated on and I understand that, but she can't stay bitter forever can she?


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> How do you know that happykaty? She could remember what we had and miss me.


For your sake, you better hope she doesn't remember "what you had".

That's only going to make her run further.

Are you having dinner with her, tonight?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

HappyKaty said:


> For your sake, you better hope she doesn't remember "what you had".
> 
> That's only going to make her run further.
> 
> Are you having dinner with her, tonight?


No I am not. She said she was only going to do it because her daughter wanted to see me but she said I could come pick up the girl and take her out for a couple of hours so I am. Maybe I can convince my wife to talk for a few minutes. I plan to take her some flowers as a thank you for allowing me to spend time with Allie.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

You cheated on her 4 times and she knows only about 1?

Time to move on.

Oh, by the way.

It has nothing to do with her being female.

If I had a wife that cheated on me 4 times, I would never take her back.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

Kobe said:


> No I am not. She said she was only going to do it because her daughter wanted to see me but she said I could come pick up the girl and take her out for a couple of hours so I am. Maybe I can convince my wife to talk for a few minutes. I plan to take her some flowers as a thank you for allowing me to spend time with Allie.


She doesn't want to see you.

If she did, she'd have allowed you over for dinner.

She's obviously trying to work in the best interest of her daughter, without having contact with you.

Respect that and leave her alone.

Bt-dub, leave the flowers with the florist.

She doesn't want them.


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

Every woman loves flowers. At least until they die, every time she sees them she will think about the person who gave them to her.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Kobe said:


> Every woman loves flowers. At least until they die, every time she sees them she will think about the person who gave them to her.


You're delusional.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Kobe, I think you're behaving as if she will just look past all the bad and give you another chance if you want it enough. That is rug- sweeping. 

You don't seem to be aware of the pain you have caused her, nor do you seem interested in trying to ameliorate it; you just want her back as if there will be a happy ever after.

Dude, you cheated on her FOUR times. Do you not understand how awful that is? You've only told her about one affair. There is no rebuilding without honesty, commitment, and transparency. 

I don't think your wife should give you another chance because I don't think your actions show that things will be different this time around. I do think that you ought to get yourself into therapy and figure out why you've thrown away something that you feel is valuable for something cheap; maybe deep down, you don't value your wife and just want her now because you can't bear that she's with someone else? You need to think more deeply about your situation.


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## HappyKaty (Nov 20, 2012)

moxy said:


> maybe deep down, you don't value your wife and just want her now because you can't bear that she's with someone else?


:iagree:

Couldn't have said it better, myself.


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## Betrayedwife (Nov 9, 2012)

You sound like my soon to be exhusband. He cheated on me three times. There is no way in hell I would ever take him back.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

did you cheat on her 4 times ? she'd be crazy to take you back and you know what, i reckon you'd be crazy even asking. because the thing is too , if you cheated 4 times , somethings wrong with the feelings you think you feel for her .


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

She did take me back last week because she knows how truly sorry I am for everything I did to her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Did you tell her about all 4 times?


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## Kobe (Dec 28, 2012)

No but my best friend did and I admitted it to her.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Kobe said:


> No but my best friend did and I admitted it to her.


What do you plan to do in order to rebuild trust? If she lets you sweep this under the rug it's going to happen again. 

And you will be in this position again.


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