# Post-Sex Cuddling



## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

My husband and I have always had a bit of a laugh about the fact that we're complete opposites in this regard. He loves cuddling post-sex, and I find it uncomfortable. I love being able to stretch out afterwards, cool down and fall asleep. I'm not much of a cuddler in general, but over the years we've managed to come up with compromises like locking ankles or if I stretch out next to him then I press an arm against his, anything for that post-coital physical connection he craves. 

Since people often talk about sexually mismatching (i.e. low-drive marries high-drive), I was wondering if it's a similar thing with cuddling where a cuddler may end up with a non-cuddler. Any thoughts, tips or tricks for how you work around it?

Edit:

I realize that my post might be misconstrued as a question about how I can fix this. My husband and I have no problems with our dynamic, we just find it amusing and curious. This is more of a post to find out what others have experienced or how common the mismatch is. 

So as a follow-up question for everyone, if you are a cuddler, what do you think drives your need for it post-sex? Is it the hormonal release of oxytocin, a physical thing, an emotional thing, etc?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> My husband and I have always had a bit of a laugh about the fact that we're complete opposites in this regard. He loves cuddling post-sex, and I find it uncomfortable. I love being able to stretch out afterwards, cool down and fall asleep. I'm not much of a cuddler in general, but over the years we've managed to come up with compromises like locking ankles or if I stretch out next to him then I press an arm against his, anything for that post-coital physical connection he craves.
> 
> Since people often talk about sexually mismatching (i.e. low-drive marries high-drive), I was wondering if it's a similar thing with cuddling where a cuddler may end up with a non-cuddler. Any thoughts, tips or tricks to working around it?


What about a nice long lip kiss and then look into each others' eyes and say you love each other? Then break your separate ways?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

We "reverse spoon" lol. I wrap my arms around his back. That way he's getting held, and I have the closeness without spontaneously combusting.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

My wife is some what like you, she jumps out of bed to wash up for 20 to 30 minutes later and I'm either asleep or on to something else. 

I do like her head on my shoulder and her bear sweaty body on me, but that rarely ever happens.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## Vespil (May 21, 2018)

By the time she's out of the shower I'm already asleep.

She used to wake me up to kiss her but after complaining long enough finally she lets me be!

It's easy to fall asleep after sex- but only the first time.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> What about a nice long lip kiss and then look into each others' eyes and say you love each other? Then break your separate ways?


Ehhh, a little lovey-dovey for our taste haha Neither of us have any romantic nature, so our expressions of love often come wrapped in jokes, teasing or aggressive affection. I think his desire to cuddle has more to do with physical comfort more than anything.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Post-sex cuddling and napping/sleeping is one of the very best things about sex. I cannot imagine being married to someone that didn't enjoy it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Some of both, some of all. As we fall asleep and soon with me behind her, still nekkid, that's our most frequent. And it often turns into a later quickie as I just love her rear end, so yo speak.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*The lack of post-sex cuddling/spooning is the consummate dealbreaker, in my book!*


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

I am a hard core cuddler  I like touch, touch and more touch. 

BUT... post sex? Most of the time I instantly PASS OUT, he usually wears me out completely till I am near comatose. If its that lovely Saturday morning so we can sleep in sex, then yes, we will cuddle and nap a bit before getting up.

In general though I love cuddling, and most nights I fall asleep with my head on his lap as he strokes my hair <3


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## Raffi (Feb 9, 2018)

I would say this might be a good area for compromise - sometimes you do like this, and sometimes you do like that. Unless it is really unbearable for one of you, it doesn't seem like the type of thing you want to keep arguing about.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

I wonder how much of the need for cuddling stems from a hormonal/physical drive or an emotional/psychological comfort, then. I've never been one for cuddling so I've never understood the desire for it, although I can rationally accept it as a need for a partner if that's what they want. It's just always been a curiosity to me since I've always seen such a distinctive divide where either someone is or is not inherently cuddly. 

I also do make a distinction between cuddling and generally being physically affectionate. I love intermittently caressing, touching, or pressing myself against my husband throughout the day and have no issue showing physical affection in kisses or hugs (not a big fan of expressing PDA, though for no other reason than I don't get the urge to do it). But cuddling itself is just this blank space for me. Like if we're sitting together or lying together, I have no desire to drape myself over him or have him drape himself over me. That's where the disconnect is for some reason.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Raffi said:


> I would say this might be a good area for compromise - sometimes you do like this, and sometimes you do like that. Unless it is really unbearable for one of you, it doesn't seem like the type of thing you want to keep arguing about.


Luckily this isn't an argue point for us, I was mostly posting just to see what others have experienced in their own relationships with a cuddling dynamic. My husband and I have fully accepted each other's boundaries in terms of cuddling or not cuddling, I was more curious to know how common it is to have that mismatch.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm naturally very tactile. I love touch and I'm almost compulsively drawn to experience the way various textures feel, plus I just love to cuddle. My ex-husband wasn't a touch person, nor was he a cuddler. He found my need for physical touch almost repellent and my desire to feel the textures of things to be a vast annoyance. We didn't cuddle much. He felt smothered and I felt neglected. It made us both unhappy.

When I began dating after my divorce, I made a love of physical touch one of my requirements in a partner. I was delighted to discover that there were men who not only tolerated my desire to touch and cuddle, but actively shared it. 

My SO is welcoming of my need to touch and be close, because he shares that need. We both love running our fingers through each other's hair as we drift off to sleep wrapped up together. We love cuddling, whether sex is involved or not. And he just laughs and holds my hand when he catches me petting the fabrics when we're out shopping. He knew what he was getting into, and he's glad of it. We're both much happier being with someone we're compatible with in this way.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I wonder how much of the need for cuddling stems from a hormonal/physical drive or an emotional/psychological comfort, then. I've never been one for cuddling so I've never understood the desire for it, although I can rationally accept it as a need for a partner if that's what they want. It's just always been a curiosity to me since I've always seen such a distinctive divide where either someone is or is not inherently cuddly.
> 
> I also do make a distinction between cuddling and generally being physically affectionate. I love intermittently caressing, touching, or pressing myself against my husband throughout the day and have no issue showing physical affection in kisses or hugs (not a big fan of expressing PDA, though for no other reason than I don't get the urge to do it). But cuddling itself is just this blank space for me. Like if we're sitting together or lying together, I have no desire to drape myself over him or have him drape himself over me. That's where the disconnect is for some reason.


Were your parents touchy feely cuddly types? I think for me its a total feeling of comfort and safety. I grew up with having my arm or hair stroked as I went to sleep, and to this day few things are more relaxing for me. 

My husband is naturally a bit less of a cuddler / toucher than I am, but when I expressed that it is a NEED for me. That being caressed, held, touched, cuddled fulfills me in a way that few other things can, and without it, I feel disconnect. He understands and indulges me. Where once he may have acted annoyed, now he calls me over so I can relax on his lap. 

We "drape" all the time! And give each other massages - He will drape his legs over my lap and I will rub his legs and feet, or he may tell me to give him my legs. We rub each others hands, arms, scalps.... its all part of my evening wind down after dinner.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Were your parents touchy feely cuddly types? I think for me its a total feeling of comfort and safety. I grew up with having my arm or hair stroked as I went to sleep, and to this day few things are more relaxing for me.
> 
> My husband is naturally a bit less of a cuddler / toucher than I am, but when I expressed that it is a NEED for me. That being caressed, held, touched, cuddled fulfills me in a way that few other things can, and without it, I feel disconnect. He understands and indulges me. Where once he may have acted annoyed, now he calls me over so I can relax on his lap.
> 
> We "drape" all the time! And give each other massages - He will drape his legs over my lap and I will rub his legs and feet, or he may tell me to give him my legs. We rub each others hands, arms, scalps.... its all part of my evening wind down after dinner.



My parents were very physically affectionate when I was little (both are naturally very cuddly). We did a massive amount of family cuddling, they always draped on each other, or my dad would give my mom regular foot massages. My mom would stroke my hair or rub my back while I fell asleep. But even as I child I remember not really understanding the point of it. I never got a sense of comfort or enjoyment, so I more or less indulged their need to be physically affectionate with me and left it as it was. I've continued that with my own children where I'll snuggle with them or show physical affection since they show signs of enjoying it, but it's still not something that comes naturally to me. I might even be more physically affectionate toward them than my husband is, and he's the cuddler! hahaha 

But that's why it's curious to me, why some people have that as a need, and others don't. I wonder where the need comes from, whether it's nature or nurture so to speak. Although neither of his parents are openly physically affectionate with each other (just with their children), my husband grew up with cuddling and affection so I know his own enjoyment of it doesn't stem from an original lack of it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Some times my W and I cuddle but it is more her head on my chest as we watch TV. Both slowly falling asleep. Sometimes it is just cleaning up and putting the sheets back in order, then kiss good night. Not much cuddling. But my W and I do have some sort of touch while sleeping. Happens every night. Basically a hand touching the other. Could be back, arm, etc. We find it comforting. There is always some type of touching and sex is not always involved.


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## PigglyWiggly (May 1, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> My husband and I have always had a bit of a laugh about the fact that we're complete opposites in this regard. He loves cuddling post-sex, and I find it uncomfortable. I love being able to stretch out afterwards, cool down and fall asleep. I'm not much of a cuddler in general, but over the years we've managed to come up with compromises like locking ankles or if I stretch out next to him then I press an arm against his, anything for that post-coital physical connection he craves.
> 
> Since people often talk about sexually mismatching (i.e. low-drive marries high-drive), I was wondering if it's a similar thing with cuddling where a cuddler may end up with a non-cuddler. Any thoughts, tips or tricks for how you work around it?
> 
> ...



Wife and I are like you guys. I desire more aftercare than she does by far. We usually just lie next to each other for a few minutes and then I let her get on with her day. If I need more, I will often go to her 30 minutes later for a 30 second embrace or something like that. It's not an issue for us and neither is affected by it enough to care to change the other. 

Physical touch is my love language and emotional bonding is tied to sex for me. Not so much for my wife. I think it is an emotional thing.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I just wanted to add a bit more. I just love nekkid women, specifically and in all ways that's focused on my W. Before and after sex, and anytime during the day PDA is just great. 
I have an issue going to sleep with an almost naked women beside me if we haven't already had sex...it's a waste of having a woman sleeping in your bed if you can't reach out and play with her when you want.

I'm fortunate as that's always been our normal pattern....&#55357;&#56842;

I will actually lay there trying to sleep but keep thinking all the while, hey, W is right here.....I don't want to have my woman here and not touch her if I want. But that's me. YMMV.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> My husband and I have always had a bit of a laugh about the fact that we're complete opposites in this regard. He loves cuddling post-sex, and I find it uncomfortable. I love being able to stretch out afterwards, cool down and fall asleep. I'm not much of a cuddler in general, but over the years we've managed to come up with compromises like locking ankles or if I stretch out next to him then I press an arm against his, anything for that post-coital physical connection he craves.
> 
> Since people often talk about sexually mismatching (i.e. low-drive marries high-drive), I was wondering if it's a similar thing with cuddling where a cuddler may end up with a non-cuddler. Any thoughts, tips or tricks for how you work around it?
> 
> ...


Well, I have been with women that don't like to cuddle, and frankly for me, I hate it. 

My love language is touch, not just sex, but lots of physical touch. That is why GF and I are such a good match. 

That is her primary love language as well. So we touch all of the time, in any situation. 

We are so in sync that we fall asleep holding each other, and wake up holding each other. 

In fact, we noticed. she did actually, that when I turn, she turns and visa versa. I did not even realize that. 

Why is that need there, I don't know why. I love to be touched and caressed, and I love to touch the women I love. And frankly, she has the softest skin of any woman that I have ever been with, so there is that. 

I would hold her all the time, except we have to go to work and eat...


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Well, I have been with women that don't like to cuddle, and frankly for me, I hate it.
> 
> My love language is touch, not just sex, but lots of physical touch. That is why GF and I are such a good match.
> 
> ...


Or fish. 😁


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Post-sex cuddling is great, at least until one of us overheats. It tends to be most enjoyable with good air conditioning, or in the cold months.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Let's look at this a bit differently. Post sex, the brain is pumped full of Oxytocin, the bonding feel-good sex hormone. If you want to have a really close relationship you should utilize that chemical influence. Oxytocin is used to treat PTSD, it helps a nursing mother bond with her infant child, it masks feelings of distrust or fear and induces trust.

If you really want to hyper-charge your relationship, post-sex, do some aftercare and bonding behaviors or rituals with your lover. 

OK, I get it some of you don't want to make your lover too emotionally bonded to you, you want to retain a little distance. 

Sue Johnson's Book Hold Me Tight, is an interesting read if you want to learn more about bonding.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Or fish. 😁


Funny you say that, she likes to fish. As long as she is catching fish and I bait her hook. 

I would rather cuddle...


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Young at Heart said:


> Let's look at this a bit differently. Post sex, the brain is pumped full of Oxytocin, the bonding feel-good sex hormone. If you want to have a really close relationship you should utilize that chemical influence. Oxytocin is used to treat PTSD, it helps a nursing mother bond with her infant child, it masks feelings of distrust or fear and induces trust.
> 
> If you really want to hyper-charge your relationship, post-sex, do some aftercare and bonding behaviors or rituals with your lover.
> 
> ...


It's interesting that you bring up PTSD (I have C-PTSD) since a release of oxytocin has never curbed any of my problems with it. I wonder if it has to be regarded in a certain context for it to be used as a treatment. 

I also think it's fascinating that you say that it's supposed to mask feelings of fear and distrust, yet for me I experience those more so if someone is too physical with me. I communicate and feel truly safe and at ease when I'm able to simply exist without being touched like that. Cuddling can sometimes feel like I'm being smothered or the cuddling is masking something that isn't being directly said. I enjoy blunt and direct communication of feelings, and since physical touching can be subtle or subtextual, it doesn't come across as a form of expression that is obvious to me. 

I don't think it's necessarily fair to say that people don't want to make their lover emotionally bonded to you if you don't express love through touch since there are myriad ways to emotionally connect without necessarily getting physical. For example, in my and my husband's case, we emotionally bond over laughter, intimate discussions, and in-depth contemplative debates. Puzzle solving is another big way we connect with each other not only as lovers but also partners, everything is very cerebral in that sense.

Since oxytocin is primarily released through touch, I wonder if there is another hormonal component that is released in my own case that drives my understanding of that natural response to affection.


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## davep1128 (Oct 3, 2017)

I've wanted to cuddle with my wife for a while after sex. She doesn't like it because she says that I'm still leaking afterwards. 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> It's interesting that you bring up PTSD (I have C-PTSD) since a release of oxytocin has never curbed any of my problems with it. I wonder if it has to be regarded in a certain context for it to be used as a treatment......
> 
> I don't think it's necessarily fair to say that people don't want to make their lover emotionally bonded to you if you don't express love through touch since there are myriad ways to emotionally connect without necessarily getting physical. *For example, in my and my husband's case, we emotionally bond over laughter, intimate discussions, and in-depth contemplative debates. Puzzle solving is another big way we connect with each other not only as lovers but also partners, everything is very cerebral in that sense.*
> 
> Since oxytocin is primarily released through touch, *I wonder if there is another hormonal component that is released in my own case that drives my understanding of that natural response to affection*.


You have discovered some bonding rituals. Great. I am not saying touch is the only way.


https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/03/160310112400.htm

It is not a cure all, but.....



> So what can people do to ease their social anxiety short of putting oxytocin up their noses? There are ways to coax your brain into releasing more of its own oxytocin. These include
> 1. Use of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs), drugs typically used to treat depression, such as Prozac or Paxil. Serotonin and oxytocin co-release in the brain so increasing serotonin likely increases oxytocin, too. Speak to a psychiatrist about this.
> 2. Get a dog. Petting a dog releases oxytocin in the dog and the human. Starting with a canine companion can help some patients become more comfortable with human companionship.
> 3. In research my lab published (link is external) in September, 2008, we have shown that moderate-pressure massage primes the brain to release oxytocin and motivates interactions with strangers.


https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moral-molecule/200811/the-oxytocin-cure

Good luck.


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## His_Response (Jun 14, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> I realize that my post might be misconstrued as a question about how I can fix this. My husband and I have no problems with our dynamic, we just find it amusing and curious. This is more of a post to find out what others have experienced or how common the mismatch is.
> 
> So as a follow-up question for everyone, if you are a cuddler, what do you think drives your need for it post-sex? Is it the hormonal release of oxytocin, a physical thing, an emotional thing, etc?


My wife and I are the exact same as you. Post-sex, I want nothing more than to spoon her, or snuggle close in the after-glow. She, on the other hand, really doesn't like it. We are still crazy in love after over 25 years, though... she lets me snuggle now and then, and I do my best to leave her be the rest of the time. In answer to your last question, it's more an emotional thing for me... as my wife jokes, I'm the girl in our relationship. 


-H.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@ButWeAreStrange

MY wife and I seldom cuddle after sex, in fact once we're done it's a matter of seconds and rarely any minutes before we get off of each other and have a shower or go about our day, read a book or go to sleep.

I don't think there is anything to fix for you or us.

Like you when I was a kid I never liked cuddles and my wife has never been big on them at all either. That said since our son has always liked cuddles, we have always indulged him for his sake despite our not really enjoying such things.

We kiss a lot when we have sex, we flirt a lot and grope each other a lot and flash each other a lot and all the rest to some degree usually daily. We also share lots of sex as well very frequently. Yet despite holding hands all the time and my wife often holding on to my arm, while out we rarely cuddle on the lounge, anywhere else and as always get off each other quickly after being done which includes us having sex often having sex together 2-3x a day on weekends.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I guess I can understand others not laying front to back afterwards, but I can't relate, myself.


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