# On the mend..



## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Been lurking here for quite some time and want to thank so many of you for the valuable insight and knowledge you have offered. I can only imagine there are countless others that have gained some much needed guidance and have never posted. I am posting this more to chronicle my experience as opposed to asking questions that I already know the answers to...Totally can't stand ASKholes I guess accountability. I am here because I have chosen to continue my marriage with a serial cheater. I am working on fixing "the why I am trying to fix something so toxic" part of the equation and also establishing an exit strategy if *more like when* it becomes necessary.

Long story short, I discovered another affair, I don't really know the specifics yet since rug sweeper hasn't been as forthcoming as he needs to be..I'm so mentally exhausted after spending the last month..Valentines day and Anniversary...hiding the fact that I knew and crying myself to sleep...3 nights ago I confronted him....I was making myself physically ill, lost weight, eye wouldn't stop twitching, and while he was enjoying the FOG I was in one of my own..I had no idea what I was saying half the time, I was confused, dizzy, and ambivalent.He denied and discounted my evidence until I pulled out my phone and pretending to be logging into his Gmail, toofun4u and composing and email to, canyouhandlethis...Umm GAG!! I had his attention then and asked is he wanted me or her...There was so much more in between...I felt like I was going to spontaneously combust..I can't really remember all of it..I still feel that way..I have so much anger and disgust for him and worse yet indifference, I can't believe this man I have spent the last 23 years with is a monster..and I can't believe I can't leave (IC)...He told me he doesn't know why he does this..but he wants us...a 40 year old wife and a sassy 14 year old..Thanks to y'all, he has initiated NC and since deleted the email addy..
Today I printed out: Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners. Leaving him this note attached..

Dear Scumbag, (see I hate him so much right now but veil my anger instead? Why? )

I feel like this so much, even worse. I want us to work but honestly, each time this happens it lessens my resolve. I keep telling myself that divorce is easy, marriage is hard-but worth it. I will never love anyone the way I have loved you, but I would never allow anyone to hurt me the way you have repeatedly hurt/harmed me. Please, do the work this time. Fix the things that are broken and rebuild the trust that has been destroyed. We have so much more life to enjoy together. I want, no need, transparency and honesty. I don't want to have to anticipate what will be the trigger for your next affair; emotional or physical. I want to think instead, that you are a trust-worth, honest, good man. I know you can be, and together we can finish this life, "winning".

So...that's where I am...I failed to mention, I left my whole family, a fab job and fantastic friends to follow him across the country and start a new life a year and a 1/2 ago. Now if I can figure out why I set myself up for failure and why I allow myself to continue in this unhealthy manner..Obviously Codependency issues...ugh..

Thanks for being here.

BFN


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Just want to send you a virtual hug. (((((()))))
You've been through hell and back and you've got a long way to go.
Just take it a day at a time and be kind to yourself. 
You've done a lot of reading so I'm sure you know the 'rules' by now. Just make sure there's no more rug sweeping Or blame shifting and call him out on all his ****!
Keep posting, it really helps. 
Welcome!
DG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

BFN,

First let me say how very sorry I am for what you are going through. I am also married to a serial cheater and have been separated from him ever since discovering the full extent of his infidelity 6 months ago. When people hear "serial cheater" they often go immediately into judgment mode with trite sayings like "once a cheater, always a repeater" etc. And they're not wrong, but I hate being judged for the fact that I've fought for my marriage despite terrible odds. It doesn't make me pathetic. I am strong and I believed in my vows and I have tried every single thing I can do to make this marriage work.

The other thing that's hard to explain is how charming these men are to be able to live these duplicitous lives. They can make you believe them even when you KNOW KNOW KNOW they are lying. It's hard to explain unless you're living it.

With that said, since being separated I am at least starting to understand that there is life beyond this marriage and that while my children are sad, they will be ok. Every day that he doesn't make the necessary changes, is one step that I take closer to ending the marriage. I feel I have 2 choices... Divorce and suffer through the pain until I heal OR stay married and die a little more each time he strays. Neither choice is pleasant, but I'm leaning toward the healing that divorce would eventually bring.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Aww DaisyGirl..You brought tears to my eyes. I haven't told anyone since I am so disgusted with myself for being in this situation..I just smile and wave and tell everyone how I'm loving Texas and everything is fine...When honestly, I just want to take my toys and go home!


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh sweetie. Another hug for you

I am right there with you. Pulling up my boot straps and moving forward. My hubby of 31 years just got his azz handed to him for the second time. First time was 25 years ago. How many he has had between I have no idea. 

This time I handed him my rings and said these are important to me they obviously aren't to you. What a Saturday that was. Now we are trying to move forward. This time I'm willing to lose my marriage so no rug- sweeping and doing what's best for me not him. Don't care about his feelings right now. 

Out shopping today I had a huge trigger. Going to happen every time I go out. Hotel right down the road. I sat in car and cried then got my hands and feet done. 

Stay strong and keep talking to us here on TAM. I agree it's a wonderful place I'm so thankful I found it.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

@Punkin..He is such an incredible man, husband, and father on so many other levels...I thank God that I had the ability to pull out phone and act like I knew more than I did or I think in my sick head I would have let myslef believe I was just overreacting. He's a slick one that's for sure. I keep counting the years..4 more..and I will leave...Daughter will be in college...it won't be as alwful then..My parent's D'd when I was in HS...it was messy and very very bad and I ran right into H's arms..out of the pot and into the fire so to speak..I just don't want my daughter to be a child of D..We both are and for some reason..I feel like I am setting her up for failure in her marriage. She has no idea he's ever cheated, we honestly don't argue in an unhealthy manner..She's just getting rooted here, making friends, doing well in school and competitive sports..I don't know.. I hold onto this unrealistic hope that he can be fixed in my heart..in my head..I know he is sick and should be running as far away as I can as fast as I can.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> This time I handed him my rings and said these are important to me they obviously aren't to you.


I have considered taking a hammer and smashing the rings in front of my husband to let him know the rings mean nothing to me, because they were given to symbolize unity and he killed that. Since he can't be faithful, they are just cheap costume jewelry to me. It is the truth. They mean nothing to me.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

My wife was driving when we were discussing some of the details of her affair, I asked to take a look at the ring and, when she gave it to me, I chucked it out.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Sorry you are here. If you want to R you both need help IC and MC. At the same time you cannot let your guard down. You need to check up on him.

Most of the time when they go NC it is only for a short time and then they are back to email and texting at the least.

Did you expose the A to Family, Friends and the 14 year old. Did that POS W have a husband or BF? Did you expose?

What are you doing for yourself? Has he given up his emails, fb, cell phone password?


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

LanieB said:


> Stay strong, BFN. I'm right where you are. I'm like a zombie staggering through day after day with an unrepentent cheater. So why are we here? Why are we staying and enabling and not punishing and/or divorcing the cheaters?
> 
> Is it because of the guilt we'll feel because we've been put in the horrible position of having to choose whether to divorce our children's fathers, thus hurting our children? It's awful. I feel for you. It does help to come here though (TAM), you're right about that. Maybe by talking to each other we can all come to our own healthy decisions some day soon.


LanieB as of late its all I can do to keep the house clean, dinner made, and myself dressed and showered and MOST importantly being "Present" for my daughter, since I'm out of my mind reeling from all the terrible thoughts and feelings..I think I'm running on pure adrenaline right now. It's true...I'm filled with so many emotions right now..and guilt is certainly in the top 5. Stay strong sister.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Oh sweetie. Another hug for you
> 
> I am right there with you. Pulling up my boot straps and moving forward. My hubby of 31 years just got his azz handed to him for the second time. First time was 25 years ago. How many he has had between I have no idea.
> 
> ...


Always Trying..Super star move with the rings..I envy your strength to be willing to lose your marriage in order to try and mend yourself. That's my goal..I'm just not there yet. Bravo on getting your nails "did" I got my eyebrows and tootsies done Monday..new hair on Saturday..Looking forward to flip flop weather. It comes quicker in TX than it did in MI.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

LanieB said:


> However, as many of my friends say, what am I teaching my kids by staying in this mess with an unrepentent cheater? (My kids are young teens, and they know what he's done.) If your husband is doing all the right things, then maybe it will work out for you. I wish you the best.


My girl doesn't have a clue about his infidelities..My parents always fought in front of me like pitbulls, both cheated, both had addiction issues ( throw in my psycho part, abondoned me at 15 = codependence ) I refuse to be like them..well except for the addiction part..I have a little problem with cupcakes His Dad remarried four times and his Mother never..As far as him doing the right things..I'd be naive to believe he would, given his track record. Thanks for you kinds words though.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

mahike said:


> Sorry you are here. If you want to R you both need help IC and MC. At the same time you cannot let your guard down. You need to check up on him.
> 
> Most of the time when they go NC it is only for a short time and then they are back to email and texting at the least.
> 
> ...


Mahike, I'm IC, gave him the ultimatum.. MC ASAP..on top of this relocation package, he's in school, thankfully finishing up online..so his time is very limited..

Obviously not too limited to fool around with someone else..right?!

I'm so pathetic, I don't want to check on him anymore....I just need to catch my breath...sorry to whine.....I exposed his other A's to both families, never to our dd and I can't narrow down who exactly is the OW is..He says it wasn't anyone I know..the last one*that I know about* was with a close dance mom friend of mine , it was ugly..mutual PPO's and lots of legal fees to have mine removed...We did MC then too..I don't talk to anyone about it anymore except therapist...

He deleted the Gmail account, I tried to email it to be sure..
iPhone is jailbroke and has mobile-spy loaded..no VAR but I see all his calls online through our cell provider..
I am able to see his texts even if he deletes them..but I feel like if there is any weak link, for me..it's his work PC..his IT has it locked down and I wouldn't dare try and install a key-logger..it's not PW protected..but if he's doing anything else "in private" through IE..I won't know..

Just typing this makes me want to puke


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## Shoshan1290 (Mar 5, 2013)

My heart goes out to you, truly. You seem to be so strong and handling this with so much grace. It's truly commendable. Just keep on doing what you do, missy. Remember to be kind to yourself though. Make sure you eat and take care of yourself; crying yourself sick is no good.

xx


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Update, WH came home from work..happy as a clam..Said he's going to work on his homework and go over to the neighbors to hang with the guys and do his basket ball brackets..or whatever they are called..I gave him the look and said I wished he would stay home..Shoot..We are only 3 days out and I feel like I am on the verge of panic...He went in our home office to work on homework..I went in a bit ago and asked if he had a chance to read what I left him, the betrayed spouse info.. He said he looked at it but has so much homework...But...He has time tonight to drink beer and hang with the neighborhood drunks?


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Shoshan1290 said:


> My heart goes out to you, truly. You seem to be so strong and handling this with so much grace. It's truly commendable. xx


Girl...I'm telling you..If I didn't have God's grace and Him carrying me through this..I would be in a much worse place..I'm holding tight to Him


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Broken..ForNow said:


> .... He said he looked at it but has so much homework...But...He has time tonight to drink beer and hang with the neighborhood drunks?...


IMHO this is completely disrespectful and totally unacceptable. You need to put your foot down on this real "March Madness" 

The games will go on for a few weeks. Will the band-aids and bailing wire you're using to try and hold the marriage together last that long?


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Broken..ForNow said:


> Update, WH came home from work..happy as a clam..Said he's going to work on his homework and go over to the neighbors to hang with the guys and do his basket ball brackets..or whatever they are called..I gave him the look and said I wished he would stay home..Shoot..We are only 3 days out and I feel like I am on the verge of panic...He went in our home office to work on homework..I went in a bit ago and asked if he had a chance to read what I left him, the betrayed spouse info.. He said he looked at it but has so much homework...But...He has time tonight to drink beer and hang with the neighborhood drunks?


I think this is so typical of the selfishness that serial cheaters/ sex addicts display. In my case he had time for anything he wants to do including countless hours online finding sex partners, but too busy to help with anything concerning the kids or our home. He went from what I would consider a great dad to being completely uninvolved in nearly a 12 month period before the lastest D-Day.

BFN I am praying for you and that God gives you strength to walk the path you are supposed to walk. No one can tell you what that path is or when to put your feet upon it. You will know in God's time and when you know your path you will be strong enough to follow it. In the meantime, the limbo period is awful and I hope you have some close friends to whom you can confide.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> When people hear "serial cheater" they often go immediately into judgment mode with trite sayings like "once a cheater, always a repeater" etc. And they're not wrong, but I hate being judged for the fact that I've fought for my marriage despite terrible odds. It doesn't make me pathetic. I am strong and I believed in my vows and I have tried every single thing I can do to make this marriage .


I don't think you are pathetic. It's just I hate seeing people walk in front of train wrecks. The probability of these serial cheaters reforming is very very very low. So the the betrayers fu(k everything around them and the betrayed end up here again even more broken.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Wow..just keeps getting worse. I left at 6pm to take the girl to dance and asked if he was going to be home when we got back. He texted an hr later and said he was down at the neighbors..I asked if he was going to be home when I got back at 830..no reply. Got home and he wasn't here so I took our Wolfie for a walk and texted him that I was out front. He came out with his Michigan shirt on and a beer and I said..Come walk with us and lets go home. Stupid stupid pathetic me. He said let me finish this beer and I will be home. That was 50 minutes ago. Worse yet, stupid dog kept trying to go back to him as I walked the other way and I freaking fell. Of course he was long gone..hit my head, scratched up my palms, landed on my knee and twisted my ankle... Made sure no one was looking and limped home. God my heart hurts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Broken..ForNow said:


> Update, *WH came home from work..happy as a clam..Said he's going to work on his homework and go over to the neighbors to hang with the guys and do his basket ball brackets..or whatever they are called*..I gave him the look and said I wished he would stay home..Shoot..We are only 3 days out and I feel like I am on the verge of panic...He went in our home office to work on homework..*I went in a bit ago and asked if he had a chance to read what I left him, the betrayed spouse info.. He said he looked at it but has so much homework...But...He has time tonight to drink beer and hang with the neighborhood drunks*?


This is him not caring too much about you, wondering, can't she just get over it already?

It's all old news to him, he's been through it before and he'll be through it again. He feels pretty comfortable that you're not going anywhere, no matter how badly he acts. The pleasure he gets from cheating outweighs the consequences (what are the consequences, anyway?).


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

You can do this for the rest of your life, never reconciling or divorcing, but instead putting your life in a never ending state of limbo. You need to find out what your real deal breakers are and stick to it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

I'm sorry but it really sounds like he's not the slightest bit sorry for any of his actions, maybe, because in his eyes, he's got away with it again! 
Please don't take that as a criticism but its really time to put on your big girls pants and start implementing some kind of 180.
Stop texting him, stop showing you give a damn, let him go!
He has to miss you to know what he might be in danger of losing and you need to think of your own sanity.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Two things wrong with what you did. You went to get him a. you should not have too b. he would not walk out in front of the guys with his wife coming to get him.

The second thing is when you talked with him at 6:30 it should not will you be home. It should have been you will be home. 

He is still acting like an alpha that knows he got caught but knows he can play you.

Did you expose all of this to family and friends? I am betting no!
Does he believe you would leave him? I am betting again no!

File for D, you do not have to go through with it but he needs to know you mean it.

Expose the A to family and friends. They need to know to peer preasure him in doing the right thing.

Get into IC for youself, you are being a doormat and get into MC right away.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> This is him not caring too much about you, wondering, can't she just get over it already?
> 
> It's all old news to him, he's been through it before and he'll be through it again. He feels pretty comfortable that you're not going anywhere, no matter how badly he acts. The pleasure he gets from cheating outweighs the consequences (what are the consequences, anyway?).


The consequences are D...they have to be..but I am a freaking whiney wimp...too scared..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

illwill said:


> You can do this for the rest of your life, never reconciling or divorcing, but instead putting your life in a never ending state of limbo. You need to find out what your real deal breakers are and stick to it.


Amen to that..This is killing me...
The real deal breaker is? Flip if I know..I would have thought, lying and cheating but obviously not?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Will_Kane said:


> This is him not caring too much about you, wondering, can't she just get over it already?
> 
> It's all old news to him, he's been through it before and he'll be through it again. He feels pretty comfortable that you're not going anywhere, no matter how badly he acts. The pleasure he gets from cheating outweighs the consequences (what are the consequences, anyway?).


Furthermore, if he is so busy humping everyone and their Mother ..why not just D me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I'm sorry but it really sounds like he's not the slightest bit sorry for any of his actions, maybe, because in his eyes, he's got away with it again!
> Please don't take that as a criticism but its really time to put on your big girls pants and start implementing some kind of 180.
> Stop texting him, stop showing you give a damn, let him go!
> He has to miss you to know what he might be in danger of losing and you need to think of your own sanity.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

mahike said:


> Two things wrong with what you did. You went to get him a. you should not have too b. he would not walk out in front of the guys with his wife coming to get him.
> 
> The second thing is when you talked with him at 6:30 it should not will you be home. It should have been you will be home.
> 
> ...


I agree about not asking but instead telling...it's just never been my MO...Obviously not working ..
The guys thing...We are all friends...husbands and wives..lots of group texts and hanging out on weekends..running errands..picking up each others kids..we all took our CHLs together..if it would have been perceived as a nasty wife outside coming to take him home I wouldn't have...I would have left him be...



Baby steps brother..
Exposure means nothing...he's already been exposed...In IC and MC soon...
Thanks for your advice and input 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Broken, 
Unfortunately you are married to a very selfish and immature man. You have a lifetime of struggle ahead of you if he doesn't change. And it will take quite a while and a massive struggle to get him to change. Here's an excerpt from a blog about selfish people:

"_It is very important that you understand this fundamental idea, because this is the foundation of all selfishness. If your friend or lover believes they don’t really need you but you need them a lot, that’s when they expect you to do all the giving, while they extract everything you can give.

A selfish person will behave selfishly around you only when they truly believe that you need them more.

Selfish people are skilled manipulators by instinct...."_

The article is entitled: How to stop selfish people from hurting you. Please read it.

How to Stop Selfish People from Hurting You - Lovepanky


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Broken. D and take half is stuff already.

STOP HURTING YOURSELF. 

Jeez and RN helps hurts but wont stop hurting herself.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Broken... I know it's so hard. I'm the biggest wuss ever. Wanna come to my clubhouse. 

I come to TAM every day and read. It's been very helpful in keeping my head above water. Going to work is so hard. I want to slap people. Yesterday I was home alone and read for 6 hours. Got nothing done but it helped me understand myself better and what I need from my hubby. 

My hubby is a serial cheater. 25 years ago we had a "don't disrespect me by going thru my stuff" talk. I try every day to not go thru his stuff, but when my gut talks to me I listen. And start snooping. 

But this time is different because I'm more mature and I wont be disrespected. So, Broken, stand up tall but your shoulders back take a big breath and know we are behind you. Keep reading to help you on your journey. It's a big help here on TAM.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> Broken. D and take half is stuff already.
> 
> STOP HURTING YOURSELF.
> 
> Jeez and RN helps hurts but wont stop hurting herself.


_Posted via Mobile Device_

I think you'll find nurses have a huge self care defecit...We are born with a need to care for everyone and everything..typically at the expense of ones self...At least that has been my experience (but I'm broken) so probably not the best role model :/


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Broken,
> 
> "_It is very important that you understand this fundamental idea, because this is the foundation of all selfishness. If your friend or lover believes they don’t really need you but you need them a lot, that’s when they expect you to do all the giving, while they extract everything you can give.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the info...
He totally has me figured out..he is selfish and self serving in so many ways yet so generous and giving...Will check out the article..Thank you.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Mother bleeping bleeper...
Day 6 of exposure...
He's had softball league one night
Basketball and beers another
And today...
We went to a neighborhood crawfish boil..my knee was killing me..I really didnt feel like being around the shiny happy people when my life is a hot mess...
I had left home at 11am for a hair appt for girl and myself..He and I had tentatively decided to forego the get together and get dinner out as a family. Called him from the car around 3 and could tell he had been drinking and chatting with the neighborhood drunks and wanted to stop over at the neighbors and then go to dinner...

Freshened up my make up, he loved the new hair and the taste of my lip gloss and kept kissing me (obviously buzzed) We went over to the boil. An hour and a half in I was done..girl had already walked home..He wanted me to stay for another hour..Which I did..I told him I was leaving..He said he would be home in 15 /20 minutes...That was hours ago..

I should also point out he has not read the betrayed spouse info I printed out(he's been to busy with work and school this week) insert eye roll .

Implementing the 180 as much as I can..

I never called all night..
He has texted updating his locations (plaing cards now)
I haven't answered them..
Going to church in the morning with or without him...
He can kiss my grits ...

Reminder:
For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

So I woke up wondering..

Are most serial cheaters sex addicts?
I mean..We are very sexual, atleast 6 days a week and usually more..Honestly, it's great...and he mirrors my satisfaction (kwim)
It's not that his needs aren't being met..or I'm a wife that "doesn't put out" I never thought of him being a sex addict until in was mentioned here..
But..
He likes porn a lot..
He'd love to be a swinger if I would partake in the lifestyle..He's turned on by the thought of me and 2 guys..him and 2 girls..We were a long time ago for a brief stint..(More like..I was receptive until he couldn't stay within the agreed boundaries and Thank God, I gave my life to the Lord...He isn't into organized religion..he's a believer..but not a big prayer or follower)<~This is very difficult for me =*(
He's a whacker .. when he complains about his wrist..I can't help but laugh..

We talked last night..and he agree's there might be a correlation between his overactive disires and his cheating..

Can he be fixed..I guess I am asking..I never thought that maybe he has a "problem" besides being a cheating pig..


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

He has to want to change. He needs individual counseling with someone specialized in his issues. He has to take this seriously.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

Salt..Isn't that the million dollar answer..

HE HAS TO...


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

He knows you are not a strong person and he knows that he can string you along. Any IC or MC?

File for D have him served, He needs to know you are firm about getting things fixed or you are out. Sounds like the drinking is a real problem as well


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

mahike said:


> He knows you are not a strong person and he knows that he can string you along. Any IC or MC?
> 
> File for D have him served, He needs to know you are firm about getting things fixed or you are out. Sounds like the drinking is a real problem as well


I am strong in so many things except my blasted marriage. 
IC for me..Appt with recommended MC next month. 

The D part..I can't*won't* yet but am working on positioning myself for this..

The drinking dynamic is interesting..he can drink a beer with dinner and not drink for another 3 mos and then go and drink several times in a week...and not drink again for several weeks.. 
It coincides with his Football, baseball, basketball, golf...so I think you have a good point...

I appreciate your advice and input..thank you.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Broken how has your week gone? 

I think you not being able to make decisions about your marriage is typical of all of us. We want the fairy tale. So will do any and everything to keep it together. We say but don't do. It took me 30 years to finally say. "enough". 

You have to do what you feel you can live with. What is best for you. I know so hard. His drinking is not the problem, as I see it. He does not want to have any kind of conflict or talk to you about US. He just wants his "wife" to keep doing for him and don't complain. 

Keep making good decisions for you. Maybe he will come along maybe not. You are the important one.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Broken~ I am thinking of you and hope you have seen the light over the last couple of days. Reading your posts makes me feel so sad. I know you want to find the strength and move on, but you are waffling. I cannot imagine your H not showing any remorse and willingness to work on re-building. It has to be gut wrenching and frustrating. Please take this with the best of intentions... It really is time to move on! This man is incapable of showing you real love and that is what you deserve. If he cannot do better by you, find the inner strength to do better for you and your daughter. Please take care of yourself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Broken,

He's simply not interested in making the marriage or you a priority in his life. You just aren't and you never will be.

Look at his he is acting right after the latest DDay. He's not home with you, he's not even trying to be. Instead he's out socializing and partying. Have you considered he may be fooling around with one of women that's also at these things?

He's saying the right things,but doing all the wrong things. Clearly actions speak louder than words.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry Broken, but I read your posts again and was reminded of this old joke:

Patient: _Doctor it hurts when I do this_ (moves arm up and down)

Dr: _Well, don't do that!_

But you will continue to do that. Right?


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Broken,

How are you doing? Your posts last week were sad and I hope you are in a better place this week. Hugs to you...


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> Broken how has your week gone?
> 
> I think you not being able to make decisions about your marriage is typical of all of us. We want the fairy tale. So will do any and everything to keep it together. We say but don't do. It took me 30 years to finally say. "enough".
> 
> ...


Thanks for checking in on me..
I have been sick with a nasty virus, a boo boo knee..and finally went to the doctor yesterday with an ear infection and bronchitis..I haven't had enough energy to think about anything..Couple that with girl dance competitions, drill team tryouts, and award banquets..I can barely keep on keeping on..oh..and my Mom is in visiting..she'll be here till the 12th..God help us..
You are totally correct in the "what you can live with" I say all the time..I chose to be here and allow this behavior..I will not complain about it or burden others with it..But each day I get a bit more disgusted...and eventually..I don't think I will be able to live with it..being the maid, cook, chauffer, *****, nurse, accountant, and errand girl


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Broken~ I am thinking of you and hope you have seen the light over the last couple of days. Reading your posts makes me feel so sad. I know you want to find the strength and move on, but you are waffling. I cannot imagine your H not showing any remorse and willingness to work on re-building. It has to be gut wrenching and frustrating. Please take this with the best of intentions... It really is time to move on! This man is incapable of showing you real love and that is what you deserve. If he cannot do better by you, find the inner strength to do better for you and your daughter. Please take care of yourself.


<3 thank you for your compassion and motivating truthful words..
I am praying for the strength..Being sick this last week has left us at a bit of an impasse..I haven't been able to comprehend how much he has betrayed me, and how I have allowed myself to stay complacent in this broken marriage.. We are having 5 minute huddles and the other night I confronted him about a phone number he had deleted from his texts and calls.. It's crazy how in tune my sixth sense has been and how oddly calm and on point I am weaving my truth of what I know (not much)into what he believes is the truth (what he thinks I know)
So it started off as, this during the weeks before I confronted him..
"I saw that you deleted a text message to Tammy and also the text message after hers to .. 586 -xxx-xxxx.." (Back story..20 years ago he had a bit of a thing with Tammy's sister..I disliked that he had recently reconnected and was texting with Tammy and messaging on FB and adding went as far as adding her other sister on fb ..but not adding Michelle although she did friend request him and he didn't add her..during their thing, I left him, moved out and told him it was either her or I..he chose me..or so I thought) Anywho..told Mr BFN that I knew whose number it was, I really didn't but thought it was probably Michelle..He played dumb, denied, and went as far as saying he didn't recognize the number in question..oddly it wasn't in his contacts on his phone..Mr. BFN is very deceptive..He finally said her name and then became angry..I didn't say a word..didn't react..just rolled over and went to sleep..We haven't huddled since then..Although he did say that it was friendly chit chat and that she wasn't the, "Canyouhandlethis" email address that he had been having contact with..I'm still not sure..and with my spinning head full of steroids and cough syrup..I'm a hot mess with a mushy mental capacity at the moment..


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

:scratchhead:


walkonmars said:


> Sorry Broken, but I read your posts again and was reminded of this old joke:
> 
> Patient: _Doctor it hurts when I do this_ (moves arm up and down)
> 
> ...


:scratchhead: glutton for punishment?


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> Broken,
> 
> How are you doing? Your posts last week were sad and I hope you are in a better place this week. Hugs to you...


Thanks pumpkin for checking on me..
Treading water here..Told him this morning as he was getting ready for work.."We'd be having a "come to jesus" convo very soon.. since I can't live with this rug sweeping..which YOU don't understand..since you haven't read anything that I asked you too"


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## daggeredheart (Feb 21, 2012)

Broken- 

Sorry that your spouse is a perpetual cheater. It must hurt badly to know that you must bid him goodbye. He will never change and you don't want to spend the rest of your life hoping he does. Life is short. 

Perhaps the best tactic is to now have a come to jesus talk with yourself. He's a lost cause. He expects you to "talk" and when you talk you show your cards or at least provide some sort of comfort to him that you will welcome him back like you always do. 

How about you practice a little self mothering/love right now. Focus on you and your daughter. You will make yourself sick trying to police him.... Is he worth your mental state and health? 

I think if we were to look into a magic 8 ball to see the future, you would only wonder why you didn't leave him sooner! 

Rise up girl.....fly away.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

Oh dear the stress of all this. And now very sick. Take care of yourself. I'm in the same boat. Gave hubby a list of my needs and he is trying very slow but trying. I am also trying to disengage from being so dependent of him. That's been very hard for me.

If you want to fix,help your marriage he has to understand what is needed and do it. You will know right away if he wants to do that. I have said many times. Divorce is not in my mindset for anyone (yes there are reasons, abuse and such don't read this as everyone must stay) but I think both people should give it their all. And only then give up. It's hard work. for BOTH, so if both are not willing then yes time to move on. 

Broken...it's time to fix you so your broken no more. Hugs for you. Hope the meds have a least helped you to feel a little better.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

WARNING: Whine alert below
---------------------------

Mr. BFN flew out 4 days ago to watch his beloved alma mater play in the final four.. I was invited to go...actually it was assumed I was going until I said, "soo not going..but thanks" I won't complain about the fact that he's to busy to review the betrayed spouse info I gave him, too busy for MC or church.. Honestly, I don't even care that he went..he's staying with "almost" family, an older couple..so I didn't feel threatened..I had time to think while he was gone..I don't miss "this" him..Most of the time I don't even know him anymore...I wish there was a way we could end this and my life would stay the same, income, home life, social circles, etc....I wish he wasn't part of it anymore.....I don't want to be with anyone else but him....but I know I can't live with his lying and cheating.....I gave my life to him...I am trust worthy, honest, caring, compassionate.. Why can't he feel the same way? I know no one has the answer.. Why can't he be on business...indefinitely...The thought of him coming home tomorrow brought me into a full blown anxiety attack... 

END WHINE


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