# am I cheating the kids I have?



## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

I am pregnant a third time and under 20 19 and not turning 20 soon. I will be a teen mom of 3 kids. I just found a job got my ged and don't have support from their dads. I don't have parental support. It's all just me. This baby's father has money and is a lawyer. So he'd have to pay for child support and that would be good money it would actually help financially in me raising the 2 kids I already have. Well I at first decided I was going to keep it and that emotionally I'd just have to take it. But recently my ex bribed me that if I got an abortion he'd pay me to do it for a lot more money. I don't want exactly say how much but it was for years to come just so he wouldn't have to deal with this for 18 years. So I'd be financially secure and not have the pain of raising 3 kids instead I'd giving the best I could to the 2 I have already. And that sounds right what I should be doing at the same time I feel like I already love the baby. And I feel bad about it like taking money to do something I wasn't fond of doing idk. At the same time in the best interests of my kids, I feel like I should go ahead with the bribe, but personally I feel like crap for it. But I know I should put my kids first. But I feel like it's not fair this baby counts somewhat too. Advice and opinions please?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If you accept the money and abort the child, after the money is spent you'll have the rest of your life to beat yourself because you traded your baby's life for money. Sounds cold, but that's the reality of the offer. You might consider carrying the baby to term and allowing a nice couple to adopt. You'd be giving the couple a priceless gift, you'd be able to still take care of your other two, and most of all, you'd be giving this innocent child a shot at life. 
My life hasn't always been roses but I'm glad my mom gave it to me. My kids, grandkids, and dogs love me. I've saved a few lives on my police job and made life better for a bunch of people. None of that would have happened if I hadn't been born. 
Money's tight right now but that will pass. You'll live with the guilt forever and I have to imagine n awful lot of guilt would be associated with taking an innocent life for money.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

not just for money for the well-being of my kids too. It's not just that money is an issue. I need more emotional support. I've thought though that even now I've had worst and am pretty happy that I've had the kids I have. It's just I don't know like 1 how I feel about bringing a child into this mess to start. Yet I do love it and I have been through far worst I feel I could do it but could my kids really. I'm not into adoption it's just not something I'd like to do tbh.


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## GodIsWorking (Sep 12, 2011)

If I understand you correctly you are concerned about cheating the kids you have of a lifestyle, or at least a better lifestyle??

What about cheating them out of a sibling?

Your children can and will do what has to be done with the life they have, it will be the only life they know.

Good luck, it sounds like this choice is weighing on you very heavy.

Are your parents around?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

GodIsWorking said:


> If I understand you correctly you are concerned about cheating the kids you have of a lifestyle, or at least a better lifestyle??
> 
> What about cheating them out of a sibling?
> 
> ...


I wish you could find a supportive network of friends to take a load off of you!
I can't make that decision for you, but my choice for myself is pro-life.
Can you look into programs for single moms to get grants or subsidies for living, daycare and education?
They aren't babies forever - a few hard years and the tough part's behind you.
The creep's looking for cheap way out. If child support was $400 a month, it would be just under $100,000 he'd owe you during the course of 18 years. He's not after anyone's interest but his own.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

youngmomof2 said:


> not just for money for the well-being of my kids too. It's not just that money is an issue. I need more emotional support. I've thought though that even now I've had worst and am pretty happy that I've had the kids I have. It's just I don't know like 1 how I feel about bringing a child into this mess to start. Yet I do love it and I have been through far worst I feel I could do it but could my kids really. I'm not into adoption it's just not something I'd like to do tbh.


So you would rather kill the child than let another loving family raise it. Its your choice but I'm sorry that logic seems really messed up to me.

Your lawyer doesn't want to be on the hook for eighteen years is what it comes down too. I don't know if you can get a contract that says if you abort he pays $$$...if you can't you have no guarantee of ever seeing the money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

It's a problem with that too I won't get the abortion until he gives the money. He's skeptical about that. But I'm not going to lose everything. I don't even want to do this if it weren't for what he proposes now.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

my parents aren't available right now since I had Danny I lost my relationship with them.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

youngmumof2. Is there anyone you can talk to about your situation?
I feel that you really need some good, non judgemental, support at the moment. You are very young to be coping with 2 small children on your own, this in itself is emotionlly and physically draining. Are you sure you will be able to cope with another baby without it affecting your other children?

I have 3 children and its hard work, an i had a supportive husband to help me with the wkeful nights and early mornings.

I am not trying to tell you what to do. Personally i could never see myself having a termination, so maybe adoption could be the answer. Only you can decide.

Is your lawyer friend emotionly supportive to you or is he only offering financial support? maybe you need to review this friendship!

And really not meaning to sound judgemental in anyway, after this, please consider your birth control options.

Im so sorry you dont have a relationship with your parents. I hope that if i was in your mothers position i would reach out and comfort you. I would be devastated if my daughter was going through this alone.

Hugs x x


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## dbs (Sep 20, 2011)

It sounds to me like your mind was already made up to keep the child until he threw you for a loop by offering you money to have an abortion. Don't let money be your only deciding factor. I know money is important, especially when you have two kids already, but it's not everything. Having an abortion for money is like accepting blood money. It is the wrong reason to have an abortion.

If you've decided after very careful consideration that you cannot have this child, then THAT should be the reason to terminate. Not the money though.

In my opinion, you would NOT be cheating the kids you already have by keeping the child and not accepting his money. Remember, you will get child support from him for the child's entire life, so it's not as if you will get nothing.

You are in a tough situation. I hope you can find some support. Maybe you could try reaching out to your parents again. I'm sure they still love you and their grandchildren, maybe just give them another chance.


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## NewlyWedMomy (Sep 10, 2011)

In all honesty... money should never come before your kids. You said your self that things are hard but you and your kids are happy. Yes, providing for them would be amazing to know that you are secure... but for how long? And then you would of killed a poor child JUST for a few months or even weeks of happiness?! Doesn't seem fair to me. How I look at it is think if one of your children now (Danny) their father offered you money to have him killed... could you do it? You'd have the money to be secure and would be able to support your other child and you... You see what I mean? You can't kill a baby JUST for money that's wrong. Sorry if this is harsh!

At the same time I totally understand how you feel! When my daughter was 2 I became pregnant again by a loser guy whom was a druggie and my parents told me if I kept the baby they would cut me off cause they couldn't help me the way I'd need help with having 2 kids. They URGED me to abort the baby. But, I decided to keep him! My son passed by miscarrige last year due to heart falure... but, I was willing to ridk it all for him because he DESERVED to live! 

Try getting involved in a church where they can help you emotionally and finacelly. I had to when I became prego again and they truly helped me with everything! Maybe even if you have close friends who can offer some support! But I'd URGE you to truly think about this little life you are quick to take away for a few bucks!


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

not really I kind of am alone. Last 2 times I went to this like pro-life counselling center. Too embarrassed to come yet another time. I am I guess just keeping it quiet until I figure what I'm going to do.

I'm not quick to abort if I were I'd probably not be pregnant. Many in my situation may have done the same thing. I'm still not sure what I want to do.


truth is either way he's only going to be financial help. He is married and a lousy dad to them. I didn't like that I'd have 3 kids and 3 absent dads. But he's at least the only good thing being I'd get child support so he'd not be totally absent just complete stress on me willing which I'm willing to take on. It's just when I don't think of myself I do think I could give my boys a better if I took the money and didn't have the baby. I could be a better mom to 2 than 3 and would have more financial stability with 2. My hands are full with 2. Idk how I'd deal with another one. But I love this baby a lot it hurts to choose one of my children over the other but at the same idk if I'm doing that no matter what I choose. Idk what can money do for my kids if I'm not the right mother to them both. Idk I am not really for or agaianst abortion but I've always before gone with life. My first son born prematurely and that also has always kind of steered me towards life. This baby already has so much forming and it's only 8 weeks. I plan to have my first ultrasound this early. I've never had an ultrasound in the first trimester. It should help with what I decide.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

If you did not want three children by three different men, you should have used _birth control_.  

I don't understand women who become pregnant when they don't want to. There are just too many options out there to stop this. I have been sexually active for 11 years and I have NEVER had a surprise.  I kept Plan B on hand if the condom broke and other times, I was on the pill or the shot. If I can do it, other women can do it too!

Why don't some single moms learn their lesson with the first child? I am confused as to why you would continue to have babies that you cannot look after.

The social implications, of having several children by different men is staggering. When you start dating again, it might be hard for a man to respect you because of your poor choices. Having a baby for a married man is nothing short of disgusting.


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

TNgirl232 said:


> So you would rather kill the child than let another loving family raise it. Its your choice but I'm sorry that logic seems really messed up to me.
> 
> Your lawyer doesn't want to be on the hook for eighteen years is what it comes down too. I don't know if you can get a contract that says if you abort he pays $$$...if you can't you have no guarantee of ever seeing the money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Some women cannot imagine giving birth to a baby and then giving it away. Adoption is a very difficult and sometimes traumatic experience. 

If God forbid I became pregnant, I would be running to an abortion clinic. I do not want children, nor do I want the experience of pregnancy and giving birth.

FYI, it can take YEARS for a baby to find a stable and loving home. Adoption is not as easy as people think it is; there are a lot of legal, financial and emotional hoops for a prospective parent to jump through.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

that's exactly what happened with my second son. My parents urged me to abort my second son saying it's not proper t bring a child into the world like that but I was 14 weeks pregnant and he looked completely like the average tiny baby. Despite everything I just thought if I could get a job and stay clean and have a place it would be enough. It's barely enough. Buti don't regret one bit of it. Neither of my sons were ideal situations. My first son's dad was a druggie with a mental illness treated me like **** and we fought all the time. Our 3 year relationship fell apart when I got pregnant and he's never worked so support from him is nothing. But I never feared being a single mom. I felt I personally could do it. I was sexually assaulted with Daniel. So I've been in far more terrible situations and pregnant it's just being a mom I can't just consider how it'll effect me. This is I'll admit the best situation I've got pregnant in despite everything still. Idk though is it the best for the kids I already do have idk. I'm very undecided about that.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

I was a teen mom as well. My first was born when I was only 17. My circumstances were a little different than yours in that I eventually married my son's father. We had our daughter at the age of 21. When my daughter was only 11 months old I discovered that we were pregnant again. There was NO way we could afford another child. I looked at my first two children and felt extreme guilt for the life they were going to have if I followed through with the pregnancy. Being prochoice, I felt abortion was the best option for my family. However, the more I thought about it the more depressed I became. After only a few days of considering it I became a shell of the person I once was. My choices then became giving my children a) another sibling, a far less "material" life, and a "whole" mother or b) a more material life and a "broken" mother. 

I chose A. My pregnancy was difficult and I had a decent amount of guilt. The day after my second son was born my husband went home to shower after spending the night at the hospital. When he returned he handed me the mail. In that stack was a letter awarding him a fellowship that made all of our money woes disappear. To me, that letter said much more. I no longer question my heart. I'm willing to do things the hard way as long as it feels right. I'm willing to suffer in the short term to find happiness. 

I am still very prochoice. I've learned that I could not emotionally handle an abortion, though. You sound so much like me. If your heart is already invested in this pregnancy, an abortion will change who you are. Your children are better off with a healthy mother than money. You can give them material possessions later. Let them see that real life involves a bit of hard work. You WILL be okay. 

As for the lawyer, he's probably thinking long term. I can almost promise you that you will receive more money through child support than a lump sum. He's not dumb, he taking care of #1. You need to do the same.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

"I don't even want to do this if it weren't for what he proposes now." 

There is your answer. Without the offer of the money, you wouldn't be considering it. He is a real jerk to tempt a struggling young woman with money into taking an action that will certainly cause her pain for the rest of her life. If he cares about your plight and he's in a financial position to help, why not just give you the money?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If he offered you three times the money but required you end the lives of your other two children as well, what would the answer be? If someone had offered your mom money to end your life when you were in the womb what would you have wanted your mom to do? This baby didn't ask to be conceived.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

FirstYearDown said:


> If you did not want three children by three different men, you should have used _birth control_.
> 
> I don't understand women who become pregnant when they don't want to. There are just too many options out there to stop this. I have been sexually active for 11 years and I have NEVER had a surprise.  I kept Plan B on hand if the condom broke and other times, I was on the pill or the shot. If I can do it, other women can do it too!
> 
> ...


I used bc but had an expulsion. I was sexually assaulted with my second and the first it was stupid but I thought I couldn't get bc without my mom's consent. But you're right I guess I should've tried to do condoms as much as possible but that's only one mistake. Yes I am learning from my mistakes to to not trust a guy so easily as I did with this one and I guess make sure he's not hiding anything but I've read men who hide they're married can do it for years sometimes. But I do think in some ways this could've been prevented.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

WhereAmI said:


> I was a teen mom as well. My first was born when I was only 17. My circumstances were a little different than yours in that I eventually married my son's father. We had our daughter at the age of 21. When my daughter was only 11 months old I discovered that we were pregnant again. There was NO way we could afford another child. I looked at my first two children and felt extreme guilt for the life they were going to have if I followed through with the pregnancy. Being prochoice, I felt abortion was the best option for my family. However, the more I thought about it the more depressed I became. After only a few days of considering it I became a shell of the person I once was. My choices then became giving my children a) another sibling, a far less "material" life, and a "whole" mother or b) a more material life and a "broken" mother.
> 
> I chose A. My pregnancy was difficult and I had a decent amount of guilt. The day after my second son was born my husband went home to shower after spending the night at the hospital. When he returned he handed me the mail. In that stack was a letter awarding him a fellowship that made all of our money woes disappear. To me, that letter said much more. I no longer question my heart. I'm willing to do things the hard way as long as it feels right. I'm willing to suffer in the short term to find happiness.
> 
> ...



It's quite a lot though. But you're right a bit. Like I don't know about regretting it. Like I feel it's for the best but I know how I feel this far along. But I know how I feel like why I'd do it. I don't get why I'd regret rather feel sad and a loss because of the emotions I feel about the pregnancy.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Quick question, has the lawyer threatened to sign over his rights to the child? If so, there goes your child support for 18 years.

Personally I would keep the baby - and screw what the lawyer wants! I would pick up the phone and call his wife and explain the situation to her, see what she has to say about him bribing you to abort a child! He shouldn't have been playing the game if he wasn't ready for the consequences. I do understand what you are saying about feeling like you could support your other two children with this opportunity. Ultimately it is your choice. But do I feel you are cheating the children that you currently have? Absolutely not! You are doing what you have to do and if you want to have this baby, you would be adding to your current children's little worlds. All my childhood, we were dirt poor AND I loved my childhood! We created fun memories with what we had to work with. Good luck to all of you and your decision!


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

youngmomof2 said:


> It's just when I don't think of myself I do think I could give my boys a better if I took the money and didn't have the baby. I could be a better mom to 2 than 3 and would have more financial stability with 2. My hands are full with 2. Idk how I'd deal with another one.
> .


I agree with your original thought.

20 years old with three kids?
It doesn`t need to be said that you haven`t acted very smart.

I would take the money and abort the pregnancy.
Your situation will be very bad with three kids and no/little money.


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## youngmomof2 (Sep 11, 2011)

I think I'm ok with getting one I guess. I'm realizing what I need to be doing is focusing in on the family I have. I just wish I could have this baby. It's just I know I really can't I have to be the best mom to the kids I have now. I had an ultrasound and I didn't feel more emotion to it. It didn't really look like I'd expected I guess that's comforting. Anyway thanks guys for your advice.


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