# blues, depression and codependency



## Luther (Mar 7, 2013)

Well I'm new here, but you probably know that already so I'll just try and bring this up to speed for a first post. By the way was goggling for codependency when I found this site, a good thing.

Would have been thirty yrs for us this yr, but sometimes things change. Been separated for 10yrs now and the last five before that I was separated as well. Please don't get the wrong idea here, I am not now, or in the future planning anything similar to this, just want to be honest so you can understand is all. it's part of what happened nothing more so don't worry I'm ok that way. Thank You. 

As I said keeping it short for now, ask about anything you want will fill in for you. Was ready to leave after 3yrs, but we had our first child thought that would change her, it didn't. Some yrs pass we move to San Diego, another child, later found not to be mine, easy (I'm not in the least bit predigest) but pretty easy to tell a mi-lotto child, anyway forgave and forgot, raised her as my own, he never knew she had her.

More time, more affairs, things settle a bit. Then we have to move close to her folks. Her mom had a stroke, so we move back to allow her to help care for her mom as her dad couldn't, more on that later as well.

Finally the last five or so yrs, she's hanging out with these so called friends one of which use to come over and hang with us on week ends got sick of it, he's what I call a bar fly. Anyway he talked his buddy into moving into town (this town by the way has a pop of 14 just so you know) so now they all get together up the street all the time. For a while they sent the kids to get me but I'm just not a big drinker add to that listening to the bar fly for a yr or so before didn't want to go.


Now it gets better, I decide to go and all at once I'm not welcome there. Why because his friend that moved there doesn't like me, I never met or talked to him huh? Also having holiday parties where I'm not welcome but she goes. If someone said they were having a get together and she wasn't welcome I would say I guess I'm not either.

So about 2yrs before I left in a three day period, my father passed away, my son got arrested and the day after the funeral she said I don't love you. Well at that point in my life i stepped over the edge took all my blood pressure meds and my antidepressants. was in hospital 5 days 3 of which i don't recall, called for a ride home she wouldn't I was an hour away.
Said they would keep me locked up for 2 weeks anyway. Three psychiatrists said no, because I had three major shocks and no notes just went over the edge, never again by the way.

 She continued to date the new guy in town, but I stayed anyway. Always hoping ( codependency ?) for a change. There was no love well at least physically for those yrs and maybe only real love on my part (codependency ?). We got payed together every other week end so i got those week ends shopping and a meal out, was happy with that. That and the fact that he might get to be her boyfriend but he slept alone my consolation prize. 

Then 2 things happened, one a party at our house, I spent the whole night from 7pm to 2am in the back room alone door closed as I wasn't welcome and listened to everyone have fun, TG for a computer in there just surfed and gamed. Two he took MY week end that was the day I left. 

Now days I have a farm house I rent, don't go out unless I have to. Just feel so lonely most of the time,(don't laugh ok it helps) bought a big teddy bear helps me sleep having my arm around him. I know I'm 64 but old habits die hard and cuddling is one of them. Don't sleep well it's 3:30am so after this I'm going to try and sleep if I can tonight.

Sorry about how long this is and trust and believe it would be ten times longer not condensed so much to say and tell. Will be glad to fill in where necessary just ask and yes i will be honest not a liar. Just need to talk to someone and this seemed a good place after visiting an reading some of the talk.

THANK YOU for your time and patience with me in reading this, hope it will help me to deal with things as they are....


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

Hi and welcome! 
I have no real advise for you ,really seems you are depressed and lonely . I think you already know that. Could you possibly find a hobby or volunteer somewhere to occupy your time and thoughts?
I think it is best you stay away from your X she seems selfish and a user. Guess you know all that too. It is hard to let go especially when Loneliness kicks in. Try and keep busy is my point . and don't be sucked into their childish drama. I really wish you the best. Hopefully someone with more knowledge or experience will come along and post. OH YA try to keep all your info about a subject in one post it makes it easier to understand and follow.HUGS TO YA.


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## Luther (Mar 7, 2013)

Yes I am depressed and lonely, I guess I should say something here and that is my codependance is out of control. Every time she asks I juust keep on doin it or goin back. Don't know why, but I do. I now understand why women keep staying in abusive relationships. cause I am too. I guess I could have got right to the point, but thought I should give a background about me. I can't sleep, facing the world has become a full time challange, and decissions are next to impossible for me. Thats why I stopped here, I am out of answers for myself. every time she asks seems like I have to do whatever, and the bad part is I do it I can't seem to stop. Want to, try to give myself pep talks nothing ever changes, feel like crawling in a hole and stayin there thanx for the reply need all the help I can get.


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## Marriagecounselor101 (Mar 9, 2013)

Luther it saddens me to hear that you feel this way. You are a good man and obviously even raised a child as your own, which takes great courage. You need to understand that you are being manipulated and you have the control to stopped being toyed with. How do you see yourself in ten years?? Understand that your X partner is not the last one on this planet and I assure you that you deserve better but you have to believe that yourself. You are in a funk right now and you need to swim ashore. 
STEP 1: You need to remember your young years. Envision of you were growing up and how you were when you had your first love.
STEP 2: You have 7 days to start some kind of physical activity to be involved with, to feel better about yourself and free your mind.
STEP 3: Stop communication with your EX! She doesn't love you and you been be focusing your time on yourself, or someone who will appreciate you.
STEP 4: Don't feel sorry for yourself because your world is not over and you are not done with your life.
STEP 5: Although your 64 it doesn't mean you don't need to feel loved and cherished its completely normal, however that why regardless of your age you need to take care of you first. 
STEP 6: I want you to search for 3 inspiring quotes to you and let me know what they are. I can help you, but first you have to promise yourself your going to get better!


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hi Luther,

Glad that you have some replies now. We are listening to you and I think it's safe to assume those of us who have read your posts are saddened that you are in so much pain right now.

I think it's great that you are comforted by the teddy bear! I read tha and thought you should replace the teddy bear with a shelter dog. yes, dogs take a lot of work but the older dogs, over 5 years, are really just hoping for a home, a soft place to sleep and someone to feed them regular and love them always. Numerous studies have shown that caring for a pet can make a huge difference in healing from depression.

What do you think about a big old sleepy dog to cuddle with instead of a teddy bear?


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## Luther (Mar 7, 2013)

First I just want to thank anon pink, lurking, an mc101 for your replies, brought tears to me eyes that someone out there really cares what happens to me. I promise I will try and do what you said and i will look for three things to put here for you. Im going to keep that list and look at it i will try, its hard to do some of them. Also think that a dog would be a good idea, you are sure right about that would be a lot warmer than ted an happy to see me. Still kind of teary but in a happy way this time because of you kind folks. Is it ok to ask for help with some things as i have a hard time deciding things sometimes.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

When it comes to dogs...I'm your man, except I'm a woman. Used to train dogs, volunteered with various breed rescues, fostered dogs in my home and prepped them for rehoming, and topped it all off by training a service dog that was paired with a young man with CP. 

Yes, post back as things come to you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

And Luther, don't take any calls from your ex. She sounds like a truly horrible human being who will never care for you as you deserved to be cared about.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Oh,yes there are people who care about you.If I didn,t have a good honest wife I could be exactly like you.Let me guess your honest,giving,responsible and things you see around you,
take in but it cant' roll off you.

Have you ever divorce your ex yet?
If not you should and cut all ways that she can get 
a hold of you.She enjoys causing you pain.

Depression and low self esteem is very difficult to deal with
but,remember to live each day one by one like I do.
Even though its scary for you to get out,you need
to try,exercise is good for this and healthy.

Do things and don't give and start slowly living again.
It's hard work to let the past go.If we don't where stuck in it.
Don't let your past with your ex have this power over you.
The other posters have also some great advice.

Sorry for the long post,but I live and survive long
term depression.If I can do it you can my friend.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Hey Luther... How are things today?


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## Luther (Mar 7, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> Hey Luther... How are things today?


 depressed and blue missed work up all night crying and blue went to bed at 5am got up at 9am been down again, every time i try to climb out i feel like someone greased the path and i slide back in even lower, i wish there was a way out, some sun, a smile, someone to ug but there is just more nothing and i hate it in my soul and heart, i so miss happy what is wrong why cant i do this every time just one thing after another god


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh Luther. I am so sorry you are feeling so down today. Did you look into getting that dog we talked about?


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