# Husband borrowing money behind my back



## hellor (Mar 12, 2014)

My husband and I make good money, but we live in a very expensive area, so do not have much left over after bills etc. We have a baby due in a couple of months, so all of our extra money is being spent on baby related items obviously. After we started dating, I found out he used to have an addiction to pain killer (tramadol), not a horrible pain killer, but pills just the same. He started ordering them from online pharmacies and was paying a couple hundred dollars a month, and writing checks from my account without asking. He said he quit, but I know he is still getting these pills. I opened our computer and saw his email open. He has tracking numbers each month for pill orders to our house. I also saw an email to my mother saying thank you for everything and that he had slipped 1000 into her purse when she was over last week, and will pay her back the rest of the money when he can. This immediately pissed me off because we have savings, and I would MUCH rather he ask for our savings that to go to MY mother and ask for money. I don't even know why he would need more than 1000... I pay all the bills and he gives me "most" of his paycheck, or so he claims, and so I have NO CLUE where 1000 would go. Then I saw an email sent to my grandparents saying 'Thanks for all the help, please don't tell my wife about this so she doesn't stress out'. This email was sent the day before my moms email. This sounds like he borrowed the 1000 from my grandparents to start paying back my mom. I am freaking out and don't want to tell him I checked his email. What is going on?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What's going on? You guys are living beyond your means, your husband is an addict, and you're in the dark about how messed up your situation really is. My advice... Go to your relatives and find out what the situation is with them. Pull a credit report for yourself (and him, if you know enough to do that). And then confront him. Be a hard ass. It's not going to stop unless he feels like he's hit rock bottom. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hellor (Mar 12, 2014)

My husband has terrible credit and I have always known that. This is why we have separate finances and accounts completely. We both get paid, and he gives me the majority of his checks and then I pay for everything. I just don't know how to go about confronting him. He will not stop taking these pills, but I know he did not spend 1000 on pills, so I don't know where this money is going. He has a very hard time opening up, so I dont think I would every get an answer out of him.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No offense, but you don't know yet how bad the situation is. Sounds like he owes your mom more than the $1000. 

You need to confront, with a firm set of boundaries. That should include complete transparency, rehab for him, and and honest dialog. If you can't get that, my advice is to figure out how to get him out of your life. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

The key point in PBear's response is: your husband is an addict.

Addicts lie. Addicts steal. Addicts hide their behavior. And, addicts won't change on their own. As long as you allow or are silent about the behavior, it will continue, and will get worse. 

You don't want him to know you saw his email? Why not? You're not the one living a lie. He is.


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## MysticSoul (Mar 3, 2014)

I agree. Pull credit on your both (its free from each credit reporting agencies once per year!). Call ALL your relatives and mutual friends and ASK if he's borrowed money from them, when, and for how much. 

If they confirm he's borrowed money, tell them to stop. Never again. 

Snoop around to find receipts, emails confirming shipment of various drugs, etc. Talk to a substance abuse counselor to see what would be the best way to confront him and stage an intervention. 

You WILL need support from your friends and family, if you decide to confront him.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

More importantly--put a freeze on your credit so that he can't open "joint" credit accounts in your name. If he's desperate enough to go to your grandparents, for goodness sake! What's to stop him from stealing your identity too?

Opiate addiction is a progressive disease. It takes more and more to get the same effect. Opiate painkillers are chemically almost identical to street drugs like heroin, so I wouldn't take a lot of comfort in the idea that tramadol "isn't so bad". This is a serious wakeup call and frankly, the time to take action. Do you seriously want to have a baby in the house with a guy that needs his fix so badly he's hitting up old people for cash to buy his pills?


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## Sun Catcher (Dec 6, 2013)

hellor said:


> My husband has terrible credit and I have always known that. This is why we have separate finances and accounts completely. We both get paid, and he gives me the majority of his checks and then I pay for everything. I just don't know how to go about confronting him. He will not stop taking these pills, but I know he did not spend 1000 on pills, so I don't know where this money is going. He has a very hard time opening up, so I dont think I would every get an answer out of him.


You won't get any answers by puzzy footing around and trying not to hurt his feelings. It is your duty to keep yourself and unborn child safe so you need to find out what's going on NOW. Good advice has been given above, follow it. 

You may never get a straight answer out of him, so don't expect it. Do come down on him like a ton of bricks though. There can be no doing it nicely. 

Good luck.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

hellor said:


> My husband has terrible credit and I have always known that. This is why we have separate finances and accounts completely. We both get paid, and he gives me the majority of his checks and then I pay for everything. * I just don't know how to go about confronting him. He will not stop taking these pills, but I know he did not spend 1000 on pills, so I don't know where this money is going. He has a very hard time opening up, so I dont think I would every get an answer out of him.*


Something is amiss here.
like you said he isn't spending thousands of dollars on pills.
When someone has to borrow money to support an addiction it is time for them to seek professional help.

Your husband's lack of accountability for your family's finances is alarming and understandably a source of serious concern to you.
Please get to the bottom of his spending habits. 
A good place to start might be to talk to your relatives he borrowed the money from , explain your situation and find out the reasons he gave them for borrowing the money.

I hope you can get to the bottom of this.


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I am always against exposing but this here is really different. You must tell everyone that your husband cannot borrow money. 
He must face his addiction and get counseling. Get him in a strict retreat for some weeks. I think it is strange that you see this only now when it is so advanced. Ask yourself why you did not see it all the time?


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## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

PBear said:


> What's going on? You guys are living beyond your means, your husband is an addict, and you're in the dark about how messed up your situation really is. My advice... Go to your relatives and find out what the situation is with them. Pull a credit report for yourself (and him, if you know enough to do that). And then confront him. Be a hard ass. It's not going to stop unless he feels like he's hit rock bottom.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with this......I've seen it before. The good thing is it can change!!


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