# Newly Wed In Trouble



## newwife (Jan 4, 2010)

Well I need woman support BIG TIME! I got married this past October and have been with my husband for 4 yrs prior to our marriage. Our situation has not been easy. He got laid off during our wedding plan, his home is in foreclosure, and we have the mother in law in the home. I have an apt I got when my brother moved this summer and this is our safety net for when we leave the house. My problem is the past 3 months have been a roller coaster. He's not happy with me and I'm not happy. He wants to get a divorce already but I think its our situation that makes it diffcult and its his anger at the moment. What do I do? Do I leave my one true love and go about my way or try to make it work out? I am alone and very sad now. Please help!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Sorry im no woman but wanted to comment. 
Outside life, or the "rat race" is very difficult and easily comes between. I (personally) would not give up so easy unless you're SURE you want to or he wants to. I would suggest a frank chat indicating that you believe the issues may be affecting you guys as opposed to having issues directly (he could be just upset and stressed about the situation as opposed to him having a problem with you). 
Maybe he feels like less of a man due to the circumstances? Ego threatened? 
To me you need to quickly figure out if its simply the finances and situation that has him so uptight, get some support (*counseling*) that helps put the situation agasint both of you to work on together as opposed to something between you two to divide you.
Lowering the temperature (his) and getting to the bottom of the issues is going to be key.


Good Luck, 
Again sorry for "man" response


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## newwife (Jan 4, 2010)

No I truly appreciate the man response. I feel like a failure especially during our fight today he said he was going to get a divorce and not come home. But he came home and we spoke seldom. I honestly feel helpless. I know I'm not easy to be with but when he says he doesn't see us compatible I don't understand it since we were together 4 yrs prior. We have had a rough road with struggles that came our way in our relationship that fell upon him to deal with and I was there every step of the way or tried to. At times I got the rath of anger from him. He also has a tough time around Jan and New Year since its the death of his father when he passed away at age 5. So I don't know if I am the problem or this really is a combination of our situation and both our frustration. We are total opposite but we have worked together but since marriage it has been a nightmare. What does a woman do here? Do I leave and have him chase me or do I do the same routine over and over again and wait it out?


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## Mal74 (Dec 24, 2009)

It sounds like there are so many stressors right now that it's probably hard to know where the "knot" starts and ends. So maybe the best thing to do is for everyone to recognize that there is a ton of pressure on you individually, and those pressures are reflected in the state of the relationship. Chances are, the relationship isn't the problem... but the rest of life is.

So there's a great opportunity to have the relationship actually be the source of security and strength for both of you... but ultimately you're both going to have to choose to have it be that.

The counseling suggestion is a good one. It is difficult (at best!) to get to this point of view in the midst of all this chaos, and I doubt you or he can do it without outside help. I think all you can do right now is let him know that you know he is suffering and struggling, and let him know that you believe in him and you believe in the marriage (assuming you do, that is), and you stand ready to fight side-by-side with him for the future you both said you would create when you got married.

Of course, another alternative is to make a clean break and walk away - essentially to tell him, "okay honey, you want a divorce, you got it." And leave. 

Neither course will be easy, I'm afraid.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Ask him to consider if he is blaming you for the fact that life just sucks right now. If he is-and he's willing to admit it--ask him if he could make you his partner in weathering this storm. Encourage him to vent his frustrations about his job loss, etc., to you. You just listen and sympathize, and maybe throw in some humor NOT directed at him. Counseling really is a great idea. The adjustment to being married can be really tough, no matter how long you were together before. Talk together about what the marriage changed--was he clinging, even a tiny bit, to the idea that he could still have sex with someone else and now feels resentment at the idea he cannot, for example? Even if he never intended to follow through, the loss of that "freedom" may be hard for him if he didn't really think it through before marriage. It could be anything and unless you guys talk, you and he may never know what is really getting to him. Good luck.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

BTW, about threatening divorce, and to Mal74's comment. A rule which i like to "try" to live by, and I like this rule in all realms of life (work, relationship etc)

NEVER say what you don't mean. NEVER say something you don't mean in anger or to get something or manipulate. It's childish. 
No matter how mad he is, he should not be throwing that out there. 
This rule should be agreed upon when there is no conflict.


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