# What a difference a day makes.



## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I finally have begun to lose my mind. Triggered badly and lost it. R was falling apart anyway and I just pushed it off a cliff. Changed my username. Regret ever telling H about this site. DDay was almost 3 mos ago. Don't know how long anything has been going on or how far it went. All I know is he was into live sexcams, adult hookups, etc, and I found out by accident. Destroyed the computer after my discovery to cover his tracks, although he said it was for my benefit. Rocky month of arguing till mutual decision to R 2 mos ago.

Part of the R deal was transparency. Also he claimed to have never had a profile or meet anyone "in real life". I have passwords but never checked up on him after the first week till a few days ago. Found an "offer" for a new dating site. Not some blanket email spam, but an offer that let you just click on a pre-made affiliate account....put in his email password and got in.....it was a new profile alright, BUT THEY KNEW HIS DETAILS (name, birthday, age, location, height, hair, *bodytype*? c'mon, how do they know some of this!) I know he didn't use this particular profile yet, but that's not the point, all I know is it said, "Welcome Back!" Have they really kept that info for 9 or ten years??? 

Also, checked the phone bill. Found out he has been using his cell to go on the web after I am asleep. Midnight, 2, 3am. Almost every night! No big deal, right? I will just look at the browser to confirm....checked the history on the cell when he was in the shower. All deleted. (Heart caves in.)

Tried to keep my cool but couldn't. Had an awful night and really felt I was losing it, like, have to go in on a mental health hold, losing it... Next night no better. Took the new computer and smashed it into the floor. Threw it in the dumpster and listened to the sound of the crash flow over me in a tiny moment of victory. The next night he didn't come home after work for SEVERAL hours. Said he was out "walking". 

His excuses are so entirely lame: "Why would I have a dating profile linked to an email account that you have the password to?" (Maybe so you could say this exact thing to me if anything ever bled through?) Here's another good one: "Don't you think I would change the password to the cell history if I had something to hide?" (Um no, because you are deleting the history!!!!!!) And the best one? "I didn't know I wasn't supposed to delete my history, it just works better and faster that way. I was only checking my ebay."

Best text of the week? "I am a good man, you are ruining my life."

Even if everything he claims were true, it just always* looks* bad. And feels much, much worse.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I mean, we are in R because he was going to these camgirls sites after I fell asleep - - Now he is just going on the web on his phone and then deleting the history! How in the world is this a true R??


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## Cheezits be tasty (Jan 21, 2012)

Frankly, it doesn't sound like true R. As the WS in my situation, the things your H is doing are huge red flags, and I personally would be absolutely nowhere near doing any of those things. For me, transparency is more than willingly given, I don't erase history, and I certainly don't "go walking" for hours...Sketchy to the max. Everything I own, and do is an open book, and that is how I want it. I want my H to feel comfortable, I encourage him checking up on me. I check in with gps without him asking, I leave my phone unlocked, my email open, etc because I know it is hard for him to ask to look. I don't want to make him worry and trigger and such if I can help it. I am sorry that that does not seem to be the case with you H. He should willingly and happily bend over backwards to make you feel at ease (as much as is possible). That's just my opinion, as a WS. It sounds like your H needs a wake up call, and to pull his head out of his a$$.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Cheezits be tasty said:


> Frankly, it doesn't sound like true R. As the WS in my situation, the things your H is doing are huge red flags, and I personally would be absolutely nowhere near doing any of those things. For me, transparency is more than willingly given, I don't erase history, and I certainly don't "go walking" for hours...Sketchy to the max. Everything I own, and do is an open book, and that is how I want it. I want my H to feel comfortable, I encourage him checking up on me. I check in with gps without him asking, I leave my phone unlocked, my email open, etc because I know it is hard for him to ask to look. I don't want to make him worry and trigger and such if I can help it. I am sorry that that does not seem to be the case with you H. He should willingly and happily bend over backwards to make you feel at ease (as much as is possible). That's just my opinion, as a WS. It sounds like your H needs a wake up call, and to pull his head out of his a$$.


Thanks cheezits, he was doing the good stuff for a while. He didn't come home the next night after I lost my mind and tossed the pc in the trash......Just avoiding me till I calm down.....I checked the cell records on a whim, I guess I should have been checking all along... I have lost my husband, so I really should just stop crying about it. I gave him papers 2 mos. ago and he wanted to work it out, so I agreed......not working out too good for me now, though.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

There's obviously sooooo much more going on than I know about. More than I will probably ever know. It really takes the wind out of you.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Funny thing is, he has always left his ebay and email, etc. open. He will leave all this stuff open till the browser freezes, (bank, online orders, his web site, paypal, on and on) and has done this for years. I *assumed*transparency because of it. Then I found out that he also had lots of fun time with live real-time girls -- starting to think he has been feigning transparency for a LONG time before DDay.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

He sounds like a sex addict to a certain extent. Unfortunately if he is it won't end by you forcing it. He needs to hit rock bottom. Follow through with the divorce and leave him to work it out on his own.


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## Lone Star (Feb 2, 2012)

My favorite excuse is the 'you are ruining my life'. I've heard that one too. I love how it is always about their life, no concern for the lives of their spouse and children. Cheaters always find a way to blame their spouse for problems. 
Get rid of this man, you are fighting a losing battle. You deserve better.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> He sounds like a sex addict to a certain extent. Unfortunately if he is it won't end by you forcing it. He needs to hit rock bottom. Follow through with the divorce and leave him to work it out on his own.


Don't think its an addiction, to be honest. Just that I have a hard time with porn because I was sexually abused as a child. We have been married for 8 years--he knew this about me--so I think he has been hiding stuff because of that. But the live cams feel even worse than any porn. Also, we have not had sex for a along time, so I can understand the porn even though I don't agree with it. But the live cam chat really got to me, don't know if I can get over it.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Lone Star said:


> My favorite excuse is the 'you are ruining my life'. I've heard that one too. I love how it is always about their life, no concern for the lives of their spouse and children. Cheaters always find a way to blame their spouse for problems.
> Get rid of this man, you are fighting a losing battle. You deserve better.


Yeah, that text really hurt. I had lost it the night before that text, and really lost it after I read it!


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> Don't think its an addiction, to be honest. Just that I have a hard time with porn because I was sexually abused as a child. We have been married for 8 years--he knew this about me--so I think he has been hiding stuff because of that. But the live cams feel even worse than any porn. Also, we have not had sex for a along time, so I can understand the porn even though I don't agree with it. But the live cam chat really got to me, don't know if I can get over it.


I understand that you might be a bit hypersensitive to porn but didn't he go online to webcams and get heavily into it? And it sounds like he had a hard time stopping. Plus the dating sites? I think he was far more into that world than most men would be and couldn't stop. To me that signals addiction. Maybe not. This might be a chicken and egg scenario but was the lack of sex a reason he started going to porn or was it the porn that caused the lack of sex? It sounds like he was into porn for many years.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I dont know how deep into it he was - now he just says I am freaking out over a web page - we had a bad day yesterday arguing about it- and he says he doesnt want to talk about it again. 

Yes, initially our sex life was really great (years ago), it tapered off in the last 2 years due to lots of things---some medical problems, etc. Now its really scant only once every couple months, and then, even if I can't, I will still give him oral.

He has always kept his porn use from me. When I have caught it happening in the past, it always gets blamed on me, our lack of sex or some other blame target. I don't buy this excuse because I have caught him at it when we were having sex all the time.

It just breaks me that he says I am ruining his life. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ParachuteOn said:


> I mean, we are in R because he was going to these camgirls sites after I fell asleep - - Now he is just going on the web on his phone and then deleting the history! How in the world is this a true R??


He's addicted, that's why. He'd rather lose sleep than miss out on a chance to engage in it.

Have you see this?
TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube

Destroying the hard drive is an extreme action that as you know few WSs around here have taken. I don't know what other conclusions to take from this than there is more to it and he's terrified you'll find out. He is sure it's something that will cause you to reject him. The problem is, he isn't brave enough to find out whether that assumption is true or not, and he's killing the chance for R in the process. So sad.

Just so you know, my WS 'only' had a long-term EA. He did not disclose a SINGLE THING to me first (we have full transparency, but he never disclosed the past). So everything I found, I found on my own. On the plus side, what I found lined up with what he had told me. On the minus side, it damaged my trust so very much at a point when the affair was OVER. It's pitiful that WSs can't see this!


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

And yes, I think the porn has deeply affected our marriage. He does has done weird things over the years - like get mad at me for falling asleep on the couch and not coming to bed. Then I go to bed the next night and HE sleeps on the couch! WTF? Now I don't bother going to bed with him, he always makes a problem. I think he makes problems so he will have a valid "reason" for checking out of the emotional connection in our marriage.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Actually, right now----I am just trying to decide if I want to stay in our marital home or leave. 

I am a SAHM but daughter is out of the home and in college now. No kids in the house and its just the 2 of us now. He has helped me raise her since she was around 5 yo. Not his child, but stepchild. My heart is broken because my family is dying. I just want a chance to make it. I know he will not talk about this subject again. And I need that---because I don't want to stay for when he brings a new girl home and laughs in my face about how happy he is to be done with me. 

I want out WAY before that happens.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I gave up my kick ass big money job when we married 8 years ago----so, obviously I am hurting----I still want to leave even though I have no car and no money and no place to go. He could easily leave, has $$$$ and a good job. If I were working, I would be gone by now.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

I am really losing it. I can't stop crying. He is just sitting there laughing at me----"Why don't you just calm down?" he says, smiling......"because my heart is broken and I can't take this anymore!" I scream....

"I am tired of you yelling at me" and then he just walks away. Probably WON'T TALK TO ME NOW FOR DAYS.

I wish I had enough $$$$$ to leave. I am just trapped here.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

He agreed to transparency over a month ago. Now he says he didn't know that meant no deleting history.....blah, blah, blah

6 weeks later (today) he says he wont delete anymore. But I don't want to play his games. I don't want this anymore.

I am yelling and upset because I really loved him, and it hurts to know that he never loved me back.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

I'm sorry that you're going through what is a horrible situation. I have to say, he sounds like a nasty piece of work to me and seems like he's almost laughing at you. You deserve much better. I hope things work out for you.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Mario Kempes said:


> I'm sorry that you're going through what is a horrible situation. I have to say, he sounds like a nasty piece of work to me and seems like he's almost laughing at you. You deserve much better. I hope things work out for you.


thanks, mk......

Yeah, he's in damage control mode for sure.

I just can't understand how he can act like I am throwing our marriage away.....I said, "It's funny, you divorced your first wife over less than what you have admitted to doing to me!"

His reply? "Oh, so we're going back to that now?! I am going for a walk!" Then he walks out the door.


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## Mario Kempes (Jun 12, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> thanks, mk......
> 
> Yeah, he's in damage control mode for sure.
> 
> ...


Yeah, he's treating you like a piece of dirt! And he's using the fact that he's the one who's earning money to control you. A close friend of mine was being controlled the very same way. She eventually reached the point where she'd just had enough and left with her two kids. It took a while for the dust to settle but she's in a very good place now. I wish the same for you.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Mario Kempes said:


> Yeah, he's treating you like a piece of dirt! And he's using the fact that he's the one who's earning money to control you. A close friend of mine was being controlled the very same way. She eventually reached the point where she'd just had enough and left with her two kids. It took a while for the dust to settle but she's in a very good place now. I wish the same for you.


I did this before when we broke up years ago. I had a job and so was able to move out. 3 years later we got back together and married. We had a great wedding, all planned out by him! He even picked out the cake! --- but whatever....now he just says, I am tired of being yelled at" if i bring up anything he doesn't want to talk about----basically acts like some kind of victim---like I am crazy (Why don't you just take a deep breath.....) like he's doing me a favor.

I know all signs say GET OUT. But that doesn't stop my heart from breaking.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He's a douche. But you know this.

My ex called me crazy, looney, told me to calm down everytime I had an issue and basically made me think I was insane.

come to find out, he is the crazy one. Just a controlling, narcissistic piece of shet.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

that_girl said:


> He's a douche. But you know this.
> 
> My ex called me crazy, looney, told me to calm down everytime I had an issue and basically made me think I was insane.
> 
> come to find out, he is the crazy one. Just a controlling, narcissistic piece of shet.


He is a good man. For someone else. I am sure there are lots of women who don't have a childhood like mine. Plus, he is beautiful and never has any problem with women coming on to him. So, he won't be alone for long, if he hasn't found someone already.

Hard for me to call him what you did. You sound like you are tougher than me!! I just cry and try talking to him, which never works out too good for me. He's right, all I do anymore is be a crying, unglued hot mess.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

The problem now is I hate the silent treatment. His favorite coping strategy. After he got back from his walk he just sits there silent. So I try to talk again, and he says, "Look, I won't delete my history on the cell anymore, ok? End of story."

Me= "The problem is, we are in R and you are still hiding things."
Him="I did nothing wrong! I am tired of being yelled at! (He yells this at me) Then of course, walks away.

I go into the bedroom, and say, "you know if you are tired of dealing with this, just file the papers on monday, cause I cant take anymore!" He says "can you just give me a break?!" 

No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The #1 thing I need for R is NO MORE SILENT TREATMENT, I am tired of being ignored in my own house!!

So he walks past me into the basement, now he is down there, fuming. So I am backing off and surely will be ignored for at least the rest of the night.

Last night I remember saying, "Its sad--you need me to stop talking to feel better, and I need to talk to feel better." He said, its not true. ????????????


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> He's addicted, that's why. He'd rather lose sleep than miss out on a chance to engage in it.
> 
> Have you see this?
> TEDxGlasgow - Gary Wilson - The Great Porn Experiment - YouTube
> ...


Thanks so much, I love TED talks. And I agree, something on that hard drive was divorce-worthy. At least by his estimation. And his boundaries are much farther out than mine.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Gave him back my cell phone yesterday. We have a shared account that he pays for. Don't want another device for him to send mean texts to about how I am "ruining his life".

Read Just Let Them Go and burst into tears. Thanks morituri -- what a beautiful wave of relief. I think this is how many BS feel. So much love for the WS, because they were caught all unawares. Just Let Them Go honors that love while detaching from the nightmare.

A note on the table this morning from H said, among other things, "I will regret it for the rest of my life if we divorce"

Love letters? After days of cycling between arguing and the silent treatment?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> A note on the table this morning from H said, among other things, "I will regret it for the rest of my life if we divorce"
> 
> Love letters? After days of cycling between arguing and the silent treatment?


write back on it

"Then start doing what's needed to prevent that"


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Last night I really had a breakthrough after reading Just Let Them Go about 10 times. H came home and we talked, he started getting defensive, as usual, and I just said, "I love you, I don't want us to fight about live camgirls/crossing into cheating from porn, etc. anymore. You should be able to do what you think is OK without feeling bad. I am really ready to be done with shame-based sexual problems. You don't need to lie or evade or minimize. I already know what is going on. And its OK. You can do all of that and be accepted by lots of women out there. You just can't do it and be married to me. And that is OK, too. I know I have problems because of my childhood. And you should not have to change your morality because of what my father did decades ago. We both deserve to be happy in life."

He was quiet for a long time. And then we talked. REALLY talked. I could feel him ease up and the tension started to dissipate. Maybe because I just quit fighting. Quit trying to prove points. Just quit it all. Accepted him and myself for who we are. 

Trouble is, we are now communicating on a real level -- now that I let it go. I know he will want to pull me back into staying married tonight when he comes home. He will see it as the breakthrough we have needed to move on. But emotionally disengaging is what gave me clarity. I don't want to go back into the muck of thwarted wanting.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ParachuteOn said:


> Last night I really had a breakthrough after reading Just Let Them Go about 10 times. H came home and we talked, he started getting defensive, as usual, and I just said, "I love you, I don't want us to fight about live camgirls/crossing into cheating from porn, etc. anymore. You should be able to do what you think is OK without feeling bad. I am really ready to be done with shame-based sexual problems. You don't need to lie or evade or minimize. I already know what is going on. And its OK. You can do all of that and be accepted by lots of women out there. You just can't do it and be married to me. And that is OK, too. I know I have problems because of my childhood. And you should not have to change your morality because of what my father did decades ago. We both deserve to be happy in life."
> 
> He was quiet for a long time. And then we talked. REALLY talked. I could feel him ease up and the tension started to dissipate. Maybe because I just quit fighting. Quit trying to prove points. Just quit it all. Accepted him and myself for who we are.
> 
> Trouble is, we are now communicating on a real level -- now that I let it go. I know he will want to pull me back into staying married tonight when he comes home. He will see it as the breakthrough we have needed to move on. But emotionally disengaging is what gave me clarity. I don't want to go back into the muck of thwarted wanting.


Ok, I want you to think about this a minute. You let him go and the tension dissipated and you talked. You cannot control anyone else. You can only control yourself. My suggestion is that you continue to read Just Let Them Go and act accordingly. You cannot save something until you are ready to lose it. Its just the way it goes. Can you save your marriage? Maybe, maybe not. But you'll be in a healthier place in either case.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Ok, I want you to think about this a minute. You let him go and the tension dissipated and you talked. You cannot control anyone else. You can only control yourself. My suggestion is that you continue to read Just Let Them Go and act accordingly. You cannot save something until you are ready to lose it. Its just the way it goes. Can you save your marriage? Maybe, maybe not. But you'll be in a healthier place in either case.


Beowulf, I have been thinking about this. A lot. I have felt very out of control with my husband. The fighting has been terrible. Just awful. The lies and the blame, have been amazingly persistent, while the love and forgiveness = quite fleeting.

Funny, isn't it? (On a side note: I was thinking about his extreme use of the silent treatment (the current record is 2 weeks) Even an employer would consider it job abandonment after the 3rd day!) But anyway...

While I know that this relief may be short lived, because he always seems to want the opposite of what I want--- When I need to talk, he doesn't want to, when I drop the rope, he is the one who wants to work it out..........I wonder if we will ever be on the same page again.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ParachuteOn said:


> when I drop the rope, he is the one who wants to work it out..........I wonder if we will ever be on the same page again.


If you truly do want R--and maybe this is a key issue for you, your ambivalence--it seems that sucking it up and letting him talk and work on it no matter how much you don't right then is the only way to make progress. Unless you mean that he doesn't feel this way right now and you're talking about the distant past?


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If you truly do want R--and maybe this is a key issue for you, your ambivalence--it seems that sucking it up and letting him talk and work on it no matter how much you don't right then is the only way to make progress. Unless you mean that he doesn't feel this way right now and you're talking about the distant past?


Of course I want R, but we just can't seem to work it out. We agreed on the things we needed for R and he did about half of them. Then started to minimize the whole thing and rewrite history. Devolved into fighting within a month. That's not what I want at all. So, I stopped pointing this out, because he would just make excuses or whatever. I realized nothing was changing.

Yes, NOW he wants to show understanding and talk without fighting, because I said I am done working on this. This has happened before, when I discovered the betrayal. So are you saying I should keep working on it, even though I know it will just fall apart when we hit a subject he doesn't want to talk about? 

Maybe you are saying, its the attitude that happens when you Just Let Them Go, the love and patience and acceptance that happened (within me), that allowed him to open up? Just maintain that attitude?


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> If you truly do want R--and maybe this is a key issue for you, your ambivalence--it seems that sucking it up and letting him talk and work on it no matter how much you don't right then is the only way to make progress. Unless you mean that he doesn't feel this way right now and you're talking about the distant past?


Actually, iheartlife, I do understand what you mean. Quite practical, and most likely effective! If I want R, just let him talk and open up----no matter what the catalyst was that made it happen.


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