# Make it stop!



## christmaslady (Dec 21, 2009)

So I have been in a roller coaster of a relationship. I fell deep and for a long time stayed in "denialville" in hopes that it would all pass; however, as you can imagine it didn't. Even now typing this, I don't know what to call the man that I love (ex-boyfriend, ex-fiance, boyfriend, ugh!). Anyway, we went through a lot of questionable actions (on his part); found e-mails (so he changed his e-mail account-supposedly sharing with someone else...who does that if they are not cheating, and even then, why would you do that, they are free!), phone calls at 4am, etc...just a lot of drama. Anyway, he left the house almost 5 months ago, he has been (what I feel to be) disrespectful; in that (no we did not set ground rules when he left and he left on bad terms) he will not even tell me what state he lives in (it could be one of three states in the metropolitan area), he keeps talking about the fact that he is going down this new path and refuses to stop (but does not tell me what the path is and/or why I can not be involved). Everything in me says to let it all go, but I have never loved so long and so hard and it feels next to impossible to let it just go/die.

All that said, last year, I had miscarried his child, I was diagnosed as having hypothyroidism, I was put on Synthoid for thyroid and Lexapro for antidepressant (hypothyroidism lends itself to depression), my car was totalled, my job has been jeopardized and I am not helping matters when I am depressed, I feel like I can not move...not motiviation to do anything, no focus, nothing. My finances are messed up etc. and I do not know how to handle any of this. I feel like my world is out of control and I just see myself sinking further and further in the darkness. 

We still "talk" on occassions, really it is more me flipping out on him because he will not talk to me about what I need him to speak to me about...instead we talk about his kids, his school and his job...we do not talk about all the time in between that he can not even pick up the phone, or why we are at this point (he blames me, and I blame him), how or if we are going to get away from this place, etc.

I came off the Lexapro because I did not see any real affect of it and I did not want to grow emotionally numb (as many people complain they do); however, today, i am having a horribly rough day emotionally and I just feel like I can not move past any of this. I never learned how to cope with disappointment etc. and so I feel even more lost. Normally when I am disappointed, I can just walk away, now ironically the relationship that I put my all into and that is the worse for my emotional health is the one that I can not let go of.

Does anyone know how to start over (I am an introvert); regain control etc., without getting into another relationship. How do I get my energy back (idk if loss of energy is this emotional stress or the medication)? 

I am miserable and I do not see any good coming any time soon...and I am in moodswing h3!!

Oh yeah, sorry...anyway, all of this makes me extremely anxious (recently started having anxiety attacks) and tremendously depressed; to the point that I can not function as I should...I just got out of bed for the first time in 5 days (called off work, 3 days, and the other two were the weekend...it was beautiful outside and I could not get any motivation to get out there).


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