# Mad at how wife treated my parents



## Majogawah (Dec 28, 2020)

Wife and I have been together about 20 years with no big issues. We've always lived far from our families but a couple of years ago my parents moved to our town. Then by a twist of cruel fate we had to relocate to another state because of my job.

Wife was not happy as we had our dream home and she didn't want to move but understood and went along with it. This however was the turning point as she started becoming more detached, crying randomly, and throwing tantrums when things didn't perfectly go her way. I understood she didn't like change but we really didn't have a choice here as work was scarce for my skillset and pay level at that time. 

Eventually after all of this happening for weeks I gave up a job I really enjoyed and was able to find another position back at our home town that will move us back. Due to the pandemic though the actual move won't take place until mid 2021.

So all got better but now we get to where we are now. We had visited my parents a couple of weeks ago as we were speaking with home builders in the area. We assumed my parents would be busy with work and unwilling to travel so we had a "Christmas" earlier this month with them. We figured our holiday will be spent alone with the kids and were fine with that.

Well my parents text me on the 21st and tell me their schedule is cleared up so they'd like to come in on Christmas Eve and leave on the 27th. I really felt I couldn't say no as they have no one in their new home town so I told my wife. She was angry as she thought we already saw them and she wanted to spend our holiday with just us and the kids. 

I told her I understood but holidays are for time together with loved ones so whoever wanted to come over I would welcome them. So after that she shut down and we spoke very little since then.

Parents came and she didn't bother getting up to greet them. Made no effort to engage in conversation and just made everyone really uncomfortable with her behavior. Parents knew immediately they weren't wanted there and even asked me a couple times if that was the case. I lied and told them it was something else that had been lingering.

This went on their entire visit. When they left they even made apologies for intruding, she didn't say anything in response to it and just hugged them goodbye as they left. 

I'm so angry with her now that I am barely speaking to her. She has tried to reengage with me but I can't believe she had to act this way just because he Christmas didn't go exactly how she thought it should. I would never have treated her parents the way she did to mine. She was extremely rude and made them and me feel quite uncomfortable during their visit.

I thought she would at least ask if they made it back ok or acknowledge that she acted up and would apologize. But none of that. She seems to want to go back to normal but I'm not having it as I'm fuming inside. 

Normally I would have brought it up by now but just waiting to see if she says anything first.

Not sure if anyone has advice as I just needed to vent but how to best handle without just having everything blow up?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You are both wrong. 

You, for not being willing to have your wife's back by telling your parents "No".

And her, for being petulant and treating your parents poorly.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## paco2000 (Aug 23, 2019)

farsidejunky said:


> You are both wrong.
> 
> You, for not being willing to have your wife's back by telling your parents "No".
> 
> ...


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Op you’ve taught your wife that if she throws tantrums and sulks that she will get her own way because you will back down. You giving up your highly paid job is a case in point.
How do you think your life will be any better when you earn less and live near your parents who your wife has treated so shabbily. 
Now you are refusing to communicate with her because she did it to you first?
One of you needs to be the adult in this marriage.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I am going to make several points here and I ask you really keep your mind open. I am not sure you are understanding your wife and now you are angry with her. You pointed out that you moved to a better paying job, it sounds like that was a call you made regardless of what she felt. She went along and was miserable leaving what she probably considered roots, women like security. Men focus on a achievement and working up that ladder when working up that ladder is not always that important to women. Women are relationship oriented and more than likely this move took her away relationships. Did you say your parents visited already and then wanted to come back again? I would not like this either, and especially not in my home for the Christmas holiday. I think once your parents made the visit the first time she thought that was their Christmas time and she was looking forward to time with you and the kids for the holiday. Perhaps she wanted something more low-key. Did you ask her about your parents coming for those few days? You announced they were coming and the choice was made, right? This now mean that she has to entertain, cook, clean more and do what it takes to accommodate guests. I think she could not shake her disappointment and anger that you had made these calls without first talking to her. I think she was disappointed because this changed her peaceful family Christmas. You are referring to your wife's expressions as fits. Do you listen to hear unless she gets upset? Sounds to me like you are calling shots and expecting her to follow with your commands.


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## marcy* (Feb 27, 2010)

Well I come from a country where you can’t say no to your parents if they want to spend time with you. They don’t even ask, they just show up. 😆 I don’t like my mother in law that much because she is annoying, controlling, but I will do anything to make her and her husband feel welcomed .
I understand you wife being upset with you, but no reason to be rude at them.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Stop acting like this is all your wife's fault. You are both in the wrong.

Your wife told you she didn't want your parents there for Christmas, rightfully so, and you didn't care. You care more about your parents than your wife so no **** she was hurt, pissed, and wanted nothing to do with the situation. My wife would be pissed if I just invited my parents over for dinner without consulting her, let alone for an extended stay. My wife also prefers spending Christmas with just us and gets more enjoyment out of that. Maybe your wife feels the same way, but you didn't give a rat's ass. You're fuming inside? What about how she felt?

You said your wife became detached and started crying randomly and throwing tantrums after the move. Maybe she is being manipulative, or maybe the move was a lot harder on her than you realize and she has been dealing with depression for the last two years. If she blames the move for her depression, then of course she could temporarily feel better or see an end in sight. If she's struggling with her mental health then her reaction to your parents really isn't all that surprising. Keep an open mind.

Yes, she should have acted better and been more mature about it. Like I said, you're both in the wrong. So own it, talk about it, figure out a way to prevent it from happening again, and move on.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

farsidejunky said:


> You are both wrong.
> 
> You, for not being willing to have your wife's back by telling your parents "No".
> 
> ...


A fair answer, Solomon.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Family is blood, is forever.
Friends are friends, conditionally.
Friends come and go, family should not.

Since OP's parents were polite and typically normal, his wife should not have acted up.
But, she did. 

She is not a rock. 
She has issues.

2020 has done a number on the best and less-best of all on Earth.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

People should wait for an invitation and not just invite themselves. Had you said something to the parents about they were welcome at Christmas before without letting your wife know?

I don't blame your wife at all for being very disappointed. Suddenly having a lot more people over is a lot more work and she was looking forward to a completely different scenario. the good news is next time maybe your parents will wait for an invitation. I do understand the awkward position this left you in but you shouldn't have agreed to anything without first talking to your wife.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Majogawah said:


> Wife and I have been together about 20 years with no big issues. We've always lived far from our families but a couple of years ago my parents moved to our town. Then by a twist of cruel fate we had to relocate to another state because of my job.
> 
> Wife was not happy as we had our dream home and she didn't want to move but understood and went along with it. This however was the turning point as she started becoming more detached, crying randomly, and throwing tantrums when things didn't perfectly go her way. I understood she didn't like change but we really didn't have a choice here as work was scarce for my skillset and pay level at that time.
> 
> ...


Seems you call all the shots, dont give a **** about your wife’s feelings either. If my husband simply made a unilateral decision without considering my feelings, he would be cooking a no clean8ng for his parents over the holidays while I took the kids to a hotel with his credit card. Get over yourself, have some respect for your wife. She has sacrificed a lot for you moving when it suited you, you sound selfish and entitled.


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## Majogawah (Dec 28, 2020)

Thank you everyone for the responses. I knew by putting this out there I would probably receive some criticism so thank you for the honesty.

Yes I will admit I have made her life a little challenging for the past couple of years. I was laid off several years ago and although I found work quickly I did take a reduction in pay. I was still in a high-earning pay bracket but the work was mind-numbing for me so I searched for a more satisfying job for a couple of years only to find something out of state.

I'm an adventurer, she prefers a more low-key lifestyle that incorporates stability. So for me the move was exciting, for her quite stressful. I do want to be clear though, although her behavior after the move prompted the action I took, she in no way encouraged or requested that I leave my current job and take the new one back home. I did that on my own because it actually gives me more upward mobility and was able to keep my income at the same level. So although the job itself is not quite as satisfying for me, I did it for the good of my family and to try and make her happy. In fact if I would have found this job to begin with we would have been able to avoid this entire moving ordeal.

Back to my issue - there might have been some confusion about the order of events. We went to our old home town to speak with some home builders a couple of weeks ago. During that trip we stayed with my parents and had our "Christmas". We had all discussed having them visit for Christmas but my father thought he would have to work so basically ruled it out. But when they told me my father had the time off then they said "Hey we're available so we'd like to spend Christmas with you". They texted both of us, so either one of us could have said no but I actually carry some guilt because my parents moved to be close to us. Then several months later we had to move away. So knowing that they would end up having to spend it alone, I told to come on down.

Also I want to clear up the decision-making process between us. I always involve her in all decisions. The problem is that most of the time she'll respond with, "I don't care" or "whatever you want" which is obviously not her true feeling. I've asked her to be more forthcoming but it just hasn't happened. I know she has sacrificed quite a bit with raising our kids and now this move. She has had to put her career on the back-burner but since I earn on average about 4-5 times what she does it unfortunately results in decisions being made with more emphasis on my career trajectory. Now with our move back home and our kids being older, I'm hoping she can get to do what she wants to that would certainly help her self-esteem.

Finally when my parents did arrive, I actually cooked the majority of the Christmas dinner, took them out to lunch, and generally kept them entertained. I knew she didn't want to take on extra work so I did everything I could to alleviate that concern. All I wanted her to do is engage in conversation and social interaction like she usually does. 

I'm going to try to talk to her tonight. Things are a little better today but we need to tackle this issue. I'm not going to be confrontational and will accept fault and blame. I just want her to know I'm disappointed by how she distanced herself when they were here and that it made for an uncomfortable holiday. I'm a believer in keeping our issues between just us and not involving family - this is for the best in terms of keeping a good long-term relationship with both sets of in-laws. By acting like this it will inevitably create some friction with my parents that didn't exist before. My folks are easy-going so they'll get over it but I never want either sets of parents to have any reason to dislike either of us.

Anyway, I typed a lot but this is good for me as I don't really have anyone I can speak to about these types of issues. I'm glad I found this forum as it can be difficult to get things out and figure out how best to deal with them.

I'll follow up with how things go soon. Appreciate all the input everyone!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Majogawah said:


> Thank you everyone for the responses. I knew by putting this out there I would probably receive some criticism so thank you for the honesty.
> 
> Yes I will admit I have made her life a little challenging for the past couple of years. I was laid off several years ago and although I found work quickly I did take a reduction in pay. I was still in a high-earning pay bracket but the work was mind-numbing for me so I searched for a more satisfying job for a couple of years only to find something out of state.
> 
> ...


You sounds like a caring husband, there was no excuse for her to be so very rude. I hope you can sort it out.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Majogawah you "upset" your wife and she decided to take it out on your parents?

I bet she was a joy to be with at school...


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Maturity is a place that many never arrive at.

She is still anchored solidly to her _'growing up'_ home.

I would like to think that she always felt _'forced' _in her childhood.

Those having mostly _'fixed sign'_ influences suffer the most in a changing environment.

*Problem:* Life itself is rarely that helpful co-parent. As, this life is that change-up kaleidoscope.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @Majogawah you "upset" your wife and she decided to take it out on your parents?
> 
> I bet she was a joy to be with at school...


Perfect!

And right on point.

A point, yet to be dulled down with advancing age.

..................................................................................
I edited my response. Bad me, for not reading Majogawah's response.

She needs_ Individual Counseling_, IC, to expose her harmful response(s) to stimuli.

The problem is, those who need psychological counseling the most, predictably, reject its need.
_Our Typist _is one such sad example!

Others have made a point that the parents should have waited for an invitation.
I agree, but they got one from OP beforehand.

Edited: Yes, others, are also to blame, our poster, not his parents, for sure. He knows his wife, he should have considered this (if possible).

I can say, that as (his) parents, they could have stayed at a hotel, rather than imposing on the wife's hospitality.
That way, they would be less an intruding influence. _But, they were invited.to the home._

I suspect, in the future, this will be the case, or should be.
Hopefully, the parents will overlook_ her _bad behavior.

To be honest, there are few people (on Earth) who can climb inside (another persons mind) and see their point of view.
To see, and to acknowledge their point, not necessarily agreeing with it.

One of the greatest gifts is being able to forgive people their ways and thoughts. Within limits, of course.
Tolerance makes you the Saint or the Masochist.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

One of the greatest gifts is being able to forgive people their ways and thoughts. 
True tolerance makes you the _Saint_ or the _Masochist._ 

a) Or maybe, just a _Stone._
b) Or maybe, just a _Jellyfish_.

If one of the above, (a,b) then tolerance becomes the curse.
Being, one of those unfeeling, enjoying no pain and no pleasure. 

Arriving at _Nirvana_ makes one.....no longer human.
The trade-off then becomes too severe.

At least to.... us.
We thrive on stress.

We enjoy a little pain, it keeps us alert....and moving.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> One of the greatest gifts is being able to forgive people their ways and thoughts.
> True tolerance makes you the _Saint_ or the _Masochist._
> 
> a) Or maybe, just a _Stone._
> ...


I am going to take this post to another thread... I'll mention you so you can easily find it when I do.😊


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I laid the bait, my favored Fish has taken of the morsel.

Bless you, forgive me!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> I laid the bait, my favored Fish has taken of the morsel.
> 
> Bless you, forgive me!


Forgiveness in our life is an excellent topic, I look forward to our conversation!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Majogawah has a Japanese twang to it.


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## Majogawah (Dec 28, 2020)

Haha, the username is just something I made up to try and keep some anonymity here! 

So we had a talk...

There were some other issues there that all came to a head when the parents came for the visit. Part of it has been not being able to spend a lot of time together lately, and other parts were just my parents irritating her a bit (you know telling the same stories, butting in when not needed, all those things parents do to their adult children that aren't intended to do anything but help but still manage to get under your skin sometimes), plus the fact that she isn't working now and losing her identity/independence. 

She's always been able to support herself and be "independent" although we're married. But after moving and getting settled in the pandemic hit so finding work was secondary since our kid does remote learning. Even though I provide for her financially she still wants what is "hers" and doesn't like the fact that she is dependent on me. I can understand that and after so many months of these circumstances it all boils over. 

I'm still not happy with how she handled herself but it's in the past and I hope our next visit with my parents will be back to normal. 

To answer a few of the other comments/questions - we didn't meet until we were in our 20s so not sure what she was like in school. She was part of the popular crowd and homecoming/prom queen but after childbirth is not in the physical shape she wants to be in, this could be part of the source of issues. In terms of her treatment of me, we usually don't have any issues. She is a perfectionist so sometimes a bit naggy but nothing that drives me nuts. We generally get along great but she does tend to hold in her feelings until I force them out. 

Well again thanks for the input everyone. I'll hang around and see if I can pay back the favor for others too. Have a happy new year!


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## Majogawah (Dec 28, 2020)

Decided to book a weekend at a beach side resort in a couple of days. That should also help us get things sorted out!


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