# Begging for advise...end of the rope



## needserioushelp (Jan 25, 2011)

We have been together for 8 years. Engaged for almost 3 of those years. The reason we have been engaged for 3 years is because things always happened to us that would prevent it. He lost his job, then of course we lost our house, then came bankruptcy then we moved to another state for him to take a different job and didn't know a soul. The final kicker being that our 9 year old daughter died from leukemia a few months after we moved. (about 8 months ago). So we moved again, and he took another job. Even farther from all my family/friends. Needless to say, we really tip the scales in having the worlds most stressful relationship.

Since our daughter died, my bf has completely shut down. He says he constantly wants to be alone, but doesn't want to seperate. He is easily agitated and angered. He will not talk about anything. Especially our daughter. It hurts him too much and he has always been good about ignoring his feelings. So he goes to work each day to avoid the pain. He prefers to be at work so he won't have to look at me. And the most painful part, so he won't have to look at our other 3 year old daughter. When I talk to him about his shutting down emotionally and how that is affecting his other daughter, he says he knows. But he just sees pain when he sees her alive and well. 

Clearly, all of our problems come down to the recent death of our daughter. I am trying to hold on but am finding it near impossible. I am not able to properly grieve the loss of my daughter because I am in constant fear that he will up and leave one day. I'm a stay at home mom...just recently started to try to better myself as I fear the inevitable and that I won't be able to take care of my daughter if he leaves. 

Then sometimes I think that I should just leave him. He's 110% abandoned me emotionally...and during a time of extreme grief. When I say he won't talk, I really mean it. I've tried having discussions with him but he just gets mad. So I leave it alone and now I can count on one hand the words spoken to me each day. And it is even less to our daughter. He is not "mean" to her. He doesn't scream/beat/belittle. He just ignores her. The most she gets is a peck on the cheek when he comes home (late) from work. Tonight I think he said two things to her "Don't do that" and "stop". I feel so much sorrow for her. I feel I've wronged her by picking a father that wants nothing to do with her. But at the same time I try to be understanding about what he is going through. And that maybe time will heal this.

It is clear we are a perfect candidate for therapy. Of course I recommended it but he won't go. He admits he needs help but still won't go. Alone or with me. 

Sometimes I think about having an affair. Not because I want to. Not because I don't love and respect him. I am just so desperately in need of love and support right now. To feel attractive to someone. For someone to just hold my hand and tell me everything will be fine. I feel so utterly alone. If it weren't for my 3 year old, there is no doubt I wouldn't be alive right now. The pain is just so much.


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## Kimberly89 (Jan 25, 2011)

I am so sorry that this has happened to you. I am so incredibly sorry about the loss of your daughter. I cannot even imagine how I would handle this. I know you may feel like everything is falling apart, but by the sounds of it you are already doing a lot better than you are giving yourself credit for. You are still taking care of your daughter and wanting to help your marriage. I admire your strength. I honestly do.

I think counseling would be the absolute best thing for you. Even if he won't go with you - go by yourself. If money is an issue at this point, try to find a counseling center at a local church. This is the absolute best thing you can do for yourself. And do keep taking care of yourself. It will help you so much to feel better overall and to feel attractive. 

I don't know if this article helps at all or not...but maybe it is worth a shot to read. 

Keep hanging in there. You do still have a beautiful daughter, and she needs you now more than ever. You are a strong woman and I know you can make it through this.

Intervention strategies and Intervention Programs for an addiction intervention treatment for a family or help from friends for crisis marriages.

I hope this helps. You can do this. You have got this. You are an amazing woman.


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Honey, I am so sorry for what you are going through. As a mother, I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are enduring from losing a child. Then, the added pain of not having the person you love to help you through the pain. Hearing your story makes me realize that I have absolutely nothing to complain about. I wish I could just give you a big ol hug and tell you everything will be alright. 

I do agree with the previous poster that you should get yourself in therapy whether your husband will go or not. If you can't go see a counsellor or a therapist, post your thoughts and feelings on this board. Just get out everything you need to. Sometimes just writing about our feelings really does help. Please know that I am going to be praying for you and your family. What a strong woman you are. God bless you and be with you. Much love, Karole


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

I think you are stronger than me - I don't know if I would want to live if one of my children died...........
I don't know what else to say to offer advice. A part of me says to threaten leaving him if he doesn't pull himself together (even though I can understand detaching yourself emotionally to grieve - I don't agree, but I understand), a other part of me says to continue to re-build, be a strong mother for your other child, and give it time, and maybe with time, he'll come back to a place emotionally where he can be functional. 
But don't have an affair, that will just makes things worse - a temporary reprieve, but in the end will only bring more pain. 
Other than that, I'm am so sorry.


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## brimccla (Jan 26, 2011)

It sounds like he is suffering from depression. Unfortunately he needs to be the one who decides to get help; hopefully that moment comes sooner rather than later. I hope everything works out for you and your family and I am sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter


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## needserioushelp (Jan 25, 2011)

It's been almost a month since I posted my request seeking help on here. Nothing has changed, in fact, it has gotten worse. 

I've finally decided that it is best to leave him. I don't want to, and it is exceptionally hard to even consider it, but it must be done. I heard someone once say "Sometimes you have to learn to like what's best for you".

I'm looking for tips on how to survive this. On an emotional level and an economic one. I've been out of the workforce for 3 years and have no money. Not to mention, I followed him halfway around the country and have no "real" support from friends and family. I know they are there for me, but they are not physically here. Somehow I have to scrape up enough money to afford the trip home, with toddler in tow. 

I suspect I will stay with my parents until I can save up the money to venture out on my own. I know he won't pay a dime more than he is required in child support. The frustrating thing is that we talked about it before WE decided I would stay home. I told him I was scared that if it ended badly, I'd really be stuck. He said in the event something did happen, he would still take care of me until I could get back on my feet. We even decided it would be 2 years of support, enough time to get a degree/certificate from a community college. And then I'd be on my own. That sounded fine to me...but it's funny how they turn on you...

Right now, I've been cleaning houses during the evening and weekends when he is home because I'd be in the negative with child care if I worked during the day. I'm up to $150. I know it doesn't sound like much, but it is so nice to know that is MY money that I worked for. It's a little bittersweet because my skin crawls when I leave our daughter with him. I know he just turns on the tv and ignores her. 

I've also signed up with amazon affiliates. If anyone clicks my link, I make a small cut 4% right now. I've made $3.75 lol. So if you need to buy anything on amazon, please consider using my link. It doesn't cost you anything, and you are definitely helping someone in need. Maybe you were in this position once? Here is the link. I linked it to my favorite movie but you don't have to buy that. I get credit for any purchase you make if you use my link. Amazon.com: What Dreams May Come: Robin Williams, Cuba Gooding Jr., Annabella Sciorra, Max von Sydow, Jessica Brooks Grant, Josh Paddock, Rosalind Chao, Lucinda Jenney, Maggie McCarthy, Wilma Bonet, Matt Salinger, Carin Sprague, June Carryl, Paul P. 

That movie is actually very good if you are interested though lol. I guess I like it so much because it shows the power of love. A couple lose both of their children in a car accident but in the very end, their relationship triumphs and they are joined with their children in heaven. I guess that is my fairy tale story. After losing our child, it would have been nice to bond even closer..guess that's just hollywood.

Sorry for the long post. I've decided to keep quite about my plans for now and really have no one else to talk to.


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