# My Virtual Infidelity Wrecking My Marraige



## optempo01 (May 20, 2013)

I have this issue with looking a porn which has essentially wrecked my marriage. I've been looking at porn since I was 14, and now I'm 46. I know this has created a huge issue between my wife and I. I just can't seem to break it, even though I try real hard. My wife and I have been married for nearly 8 years, and have been separated for the past 2 years. My virtual infidelity have caused this strife and we had been working on reconciliation for a year in a half. My wife sexually attracts me, but I still have this appetite to look at other women. I haven't crossed the line of actually pursuing an affair, but even though I know how this makes my wife feel, I have these moments and I just do it. I don't know if its just some emotional baggage I carry as a child, or if my brain is just not wired correctly. But I know I need help.

My wife is older than me, which is not the issue. She was diagnosed with heart failure due to the flu virus before we met, and has been battling this for 9 years now. In the beginning of our relationship, we did all kinds of things together, she was exciting and made me happy, but I would always sneak a peak at some porn and got caught many times. However, I continued to believe I could sneak it, I could cover my tracks. But, as my wife's health worsened I would find myself seeking this porn connection more, which ultimately lead to our separation. I know it was my fault, and I deeply want to keep my marriage together. I went nearly a year during our separation without looking at porn, we reconciled and then we're back to where this debacle began. A week ago I signed up for an adult dating site, merely to see what was out there. And my wife found out, I'm not sure exactly how (which is beside the point) and she is deeply upset and angry at me. I take all the blame for this and she has lost trust in me significantly. I asked her where do we go from here, and he response was that I needed to figure it out. I know I want her and I want to fix these stupid decisions that I make, even though I know at the time they're wrong. I just need help and need to know how to rekindle my relationship with my spouse.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

You might want to read the below book...my husband fought a 40 year battle with pornography and this book was the first thing that really made sence to him. It was written by a bunch of men telling abought their struggles. 

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (Paperback) by 
Stephen Arterburn
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## optempo01 (May 20, 2013)

Thanks for the reply. I just downloaded this to my kindle.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You are an addict. Thre're toold everywhere to fight this particular addiction, which by the way seems to be scalating. You know it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what have you done to try to fix yourself? That's what she's waiting for.

C


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is an adult dating site pornography? Is it a euphemism?

If not, then you were looking to hook up with someone and your W found out?


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Porn is not infidelity, unless you're choosing it over sex with your spouse. If that's not the case, then this sounds a lot more like "controlling, judgemental wife" to me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

OnTheRocks said:


> Porn is not infidelity, unless you're choosing it over sex with your spouse. If that's not the case, then this sounds a lot more like "controlling, judgemental wife" to me.


Agreed, looking at porn is not infidelity, if a spouse automatically equates it to infidelity they either have a control problem or else have completely different core values.

At the same time, porn obsession can be incredibly overwhelming... getting it under control is something that you may benefit by, otempt. What exactly do you want to do? And what do you believe you can do?

Do you want to cut porn out of your life forever? in this modern day sexed up culture that is nearly impossible to do, even when you choose not to look for it it will find you. Maybe better yet is accepting that porn has a basic appeal to you, understand the reason why it does - because the response that the novelty of it can bring in you, and let the subject of the pornography pass through and around you so as to not give it any power or great significance, and realize that the potential intimacy you can build with your wife, the lover you have chosen, is realms beyond what porn offers. There is nothing wired incorrectly with your brain, it is doing exactly what biology has programmed it to do - what biology didn't foresee was how messed up our culture is towards sex.

Don't focus on your weakness, just focus on awareness. And if your wife has a problem with the existence of porn, it is her problem to deal with - she picked you as you are, and that includes the part of you that is wired to respond to erotic images of women. Your job is to behave respectfully to your spouse and hers is to be respectful of you. So decide what you want in your life, and if you can't treat her with the respect she deserves consider letting her go, and likewise if she can't respect you as you are she should maybe let you go. Or else both of you figure out how to make it work and help each other at attaining your individual goals and self-improvement.

If you want to quit the porn, and think you can, then great. In reality you will always be tempted, porn will always have a hold and you will have slip-ups, do you really want a relationship where the marriage is on the line every single time? Sounds like the kind of situation that will only pressure you to keep secrets, amplify the guilt and keep you compartmentalizing your sexual relationship with your wife from your actual sexual desires.

God luck, it's not easy for sure, but acceptance - by both of you - is critical is you ever want to truly work past this blockage.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Lon said:


> Agreed, looking at porn is not infidelity, if a spouse automatically equates it to infidelity they either have a control problem or else have completely different core values.
> 
> At the same time, porn obsession can be incredibly overwhelming... getting it under control is something that you may benefit by, otempt. What exactly do you want to do? And what do you believe you can do?
> 
> ...


A very valuable and insightful post! Thanks, Lon


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't think it is wise to say that porn is infidelity or that porn is not infidelity. I don't know what term we should use to classify it, and I don't know that doing such would help clarify the important particulars of the issue at all.

But pornography is clearly not what God intended. It is damaging to marriages, and it strips a person of the ability to establish meaningful and healthy relationships. It is sinful, and not harmless.


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## optempo01 (May 20, 2013)

Thanks for the powerful and insightful words Lon.:smthumbup:


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

Vanguard said:


> I don't think it is wise to say that porn is infidelity or that porn is not infidelity. I don't know what term we should use to classify it, and I don't know that doing such would help clarify the important particulars of the issue at all.
> 
> But pornography is clearly not what God intended. It is damaging to marriages, and it strips a person of the ability to establish meaningful and healthy relationships. It is sinful, and not harmless.


...if you care what "god" thinks.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

You've been separated for two years already. Time to move on. Your wife has a keylogger on the computer, which probably emails the reports to her personal email. She's controlling. Are you sure she's not cheating? Very often, the cheater will accuse their spouse of the very thing that they are doing. Maybe she just used the porn as an excuse to move out and continue an affair while you continue to help support her. A two year separation shows that she really doesn't want to be divorced. If the porn was such a deal breaker, she would have divorced you by now. Something smells very fishy here.

Wipe the hard drive and reinstall your operating system.


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