# Too far



## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

We like to have fun with toys and what not in the bedroom and my wife has always been shy about it. So I try to keep her happy and multiple orgasms... We have a toy that is rather big and she will tell me no... and i will say "come on you know you like it" and then she would Go head and take part in it and ride and orgasm time after time... this is the same for the vibrator or kinda started fisting and same thing tells me no but then totally loves when she orgasm from it. She will come home tipsy and totally start using the toys on her own and invites me in... So just recently she started having an emotional affair and broke down and said that she is completely repelled by me with what i have done in the bed room. she then proceeds to tell me that she was sexually abused as a kid and that the guy who did it told her the same thing over and over and over. " Come on you know you like it" . I had no clue about this and took it as her being shy and embarrassed... but now i feel like a piece of **** cause she did tell me no but i didn't listen... she is really confused alone rite now cause of her affair but she is 0 interested in any sex with me ever again.... Is there anything i can do?


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Yes - add reference to this in your other thread. You don't have to be specific but it is relevant.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Do not confuse correlation with causation. You have two specific and unrelated issues.

1. Her affair has nothing to do with your sex life or the way you've been "encouraging" her to be more adventurous.

2. Her CSA is hers to deal with. Not Yours. 


Ask yourself, had you known about her CSA would you have changed things? So how could you be held responsible for having triggered her (after the fact which I find highly suspect) if she failed to tell you about it?

Every survivor is different but I've noticed that it's common for survivors to feel shame about their sexuality, repress their sexuality, and then yearn for a way to be more sexual. It's a bit complicated but removing the choice, as your special brand of encouragement does, helps remove the shame because you bear the burden of responsibility for the shamefulness, not her. Of course this is all predicated on the belief that this happens within the confines of a loving respectful and trusting relationship. IOW, you get to be a d!ck every now and then if you're a gentleman all other times.

But your wife seems to be latching onto a ready made rationale for why she gets a get outta jail free card. Which is why her EA and the CSA or two distinctly different issues, both of which she is responsible for owning.


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## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

Thanks... that is what what our marriage counselor kinda also said... she is kinda holding it over me


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I am going to put a slightly different spin on things. But first, glad you are working with a marriage counselor.

You have gotten a lot of good advice here. 

One of the things that people do when they want to change things, but don't want to face reality is to (1) blame their partner, even when it is totally unjustified, (2) sabotage the relationship, so their partner ends the relationship (this way they get to be the victim in their own mind), or (3) emotionally withdraw from the relationship. And sometimes the best defense is a good offense (item 1 above as a distraction). 

Your wife may or may not be holding her CSA and flashbacks of "you really want it" abuse speak over you. Saying she is disgusted with you, is pretty harsh and likely a way of her subconsciously or consciously sabotaging the relationship. It certainly sounds that way to me.

Especially, when she just had an affair. Her betraying your relationship, says volumes. It also may be that rather than her looking in the mirror and saying how horrible she was to you, it is easier to make you into the villain as a way of excusing her behavior. She may feel that if you were evil enough she was justified in her having an affair (item 1 above).

Alternately, it could be item 2, where she is try to get you to blow up and end the relationship so she can have you force her to end the relationship. 

Rather than talking to us about this, you would be best off to confront you wife in a marriage counseling session on if her disgust of you is such that the two of you should end the marriage or if there is hope to try to work things through. If she says the later, then ask the marriage counselor to help set things up so that your wife commits to helping resolve the differences. 

You can't fix a marriage by yourself. Ultimately, she needs to get on board with strengthening the marriage.

Good luck to you.


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## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

THANKS this sounds exactly what is going on... I do think she will work on us... She has expressed how embarrassed and guilty she is with the affair.
Thanks for the advise


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
there is no way you could have known about her abuse if she didn't tell you. You are in no way at fault with respect to that.


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## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

This is true... however she did say No and i totally ignored her no


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Young at Heart said:


> I am going to put a slightly different spin on things. But first, glad you are working with a marriage counselor.
> 
> You have gotten a lot of good advice here.
> 
> ...



Don't mention anything before the session. I found it worked best to discuss the hardest issues in front of counselor. If you are firm, yet respectful, she can't argue with you later saying you were unreasonable.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

grux22 said:


> but now i feel like a piece of **** cause she did tell me no but i didn't listen... she is really confused alone rite now cause of her affair but she is 0 interested in any sex with me ever again.... Is there anything i can do?


I'm no expert, but I'll throw in my two cents if it helps.

She likely has 0 interest in sex with you because she has created a very strong association between you and her abuser that makes her feel, "this person does not really love or care about me!" 

Everyone has a "map" of his/her sexuality that is a combination of what society teaches you that is OK and NOT OK, combined with sexual feedback from your own body. Very often we find ourselves feeling "tempted" by something that is NOT OK and our mind will override what our body is pleasurably queuing us to do as a "negative" sensation that is inherently wicked or evil. So even though your wife has enjoyed toys, she has likely defined these feelings as inappropriate and sees you as forcing her to loose control of herself mentally and allow something "negative" to take over. 

What can you do to help her?

I'll defer my recommendations to your councilor for that since you mentioned yo have one. 

Regards,
Badsanta


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

grux22 said:


> *We* like to have fun with toys and what not in the bedroom and my wife has always been shy about it. So I try to keep her happy and multiple orgasms... We have a toy that is rather big and *she will tell me no... and i will say "come on you know you like it"*


Are you sure that "we" does not mean you?

She says "NO" each time and you continue to do it. Really? "You know you like it"? WTF! So because she is "shy" you know better and force this on her and she submits. That she has orgasms is immaterial. 

If you really wanted to keep her happy during the most intimate thing you do with your wife, you should have stopped at No.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> grux22 said:
> 
> 
> > *We* like to have fun with toys and what not in the bedroom and my wife has always been shy about it. So I try to keep her happy and multiple orgasms... We have a toy that is rather big and *she will tell me no... and i will say "come on you know you like it"*
> ...


Blue it's not so cut and dried. He was interested in her pleasure which is common among husbands. Most probably can not fathom that a "better" or more intense orgasm might not be desirable. Her signals were confusing - it looks like no - no - WAIT YES ABSOKUTELY! particularly since she masturbated with these things alone afterward.

It would be wonderful if men and women could see and feel what the other does. Things would be vastly different if they could and this would be a very boring and Spartan forum.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Blue it's not so cut and dried. He was interested in her pleasure which is common among husbands. Most probably can not fathom that a "better" or more intense orgasm might not be desirable. Her signals were confusing - it looks like no - no - WAIT YES ABSOKUTELY! particularly since she masturbated with these things alone afterward.
> 
> It would be wonderful if men and women could see and feel what the other does. Things would be vastly different if they could and this would be a very boring and Spartan forum.


OP's words "however she did say No and i totally ignored her no"


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Btw it's only by reading tons of things and getting old that I even have a clue about women's sexuality. And it's clear most women who starve their marriage of sex and think things are find are equally clueless. So our OP friend here is "normal"


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Did the op say fisting?


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## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

I have received messages Pictures of her playing with the very same toys begging me to come home from work early...... So i don't understand...
And the fisting has been new... says don't hurt me and then does all the work.... so WTF.... I am getting yes yes yes NO yes NO.... I let her drive and its yes yes 

Either way i now don't feel comfortable even trying... I do not know what is acceptable and frankly i think if we ever get back there it will be along time

Yet it is a crucial part of a marriage and she knows that.... we might as well be roomates unless we over come this some how


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

So you fist her? Or she does herself?


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## grux22 (Feb 8, 2016)

Both....


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Looks painful.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Okguy said:


> Looks painful.


OP has really, really tiny hands.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> Are you sure that "we" does not mean you?
> 
> She says "NO" each time and you continue to do it. Really? "You know you like it"? WTF! So because she is "shy" you know better and force this on her and she submits. That she has orgasms is immaterial.
> 
> If you really wanted to keep her happy during the most intimate thing you do with your wife, you should have stopped at No.



Simmer down there friend.

The OP describes a type of sex play that a LOT of women dig, it's called consensual nonconsent. It means that they get off on a bit of force. This is a very common fantasy among women and it's why men who are sexually timid tend to not get laid very often.

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. It's one thing to all of a sudden be dealing with your wife's history of CSA but to also be dealing with her EA... 

I do feel that her history leaves her vulnerable to affairs because her boundaries were broken. She has to cognitively be aware of that line while with others boundaries come naturally. Trying to understand her, and how her history plays into how her sexuality reveals itselfe, is the best way forward. Understanding is not the same as excusing...

I imagine you feel very hesitant to return to how you generally encouraged her sense of adventure but I would encourage you to go back to that as soon as you can. Go back to being your normal self.

She needs a safe word. A word that stops what you're doing. That way you can move forward trusting her to use her safe word if she really feels unsafe, and she will trust you to stop immediately if she uses her safe word.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

grux22 said:


> Both....


Wait. What!

She must have really long arms and wrists that bend all the way down.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Anon Pink said:


> grux22 said:
> 
> 
> > Both....
> ...


The toys, AP, the toys...

NSFW toy link:

http://realisticsextoys.co.uk/wp-co...belladonna-magic-hand-fisting-toy-150x150.jpg


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## Okguy (Aug 25, 2015)

Again it looks painful. At least in porno.


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