# Tell me it will be ok



## CF03 (10 mo ago)

My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Aw, so sorry. So you were all happy, but he was all unhappy? Any idea why? 

Yes, you'll survive once I guess you realize he wasn't the right match for you or he wouldn't be leaving and unhappy. But it will take time. Please stay active as much as possible to make things go better and take off some of the stress.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

CF03 said:


> My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


I'm sorry for what you are going through. 
You will be ok. 
Start living your life as a single person. You may have to act rote while doing this for awhile, but you will start to enjoy it at some point.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

CF03 said:


> My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


You will be ok.
I am sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how you feel not eating or sleeping. Don't do what I did which was drown myself in alcohol (that was the only way I could sleep, but the next day, the pain was still there). Do you have a support system you can lean on while you go through this? Do you work? Have any hobbies? In sure right now you probably can't even see straight let alone want to do anything.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Aw, so sorry. So you were all happy, but he was all unhappy? Any idea why?
> 
> Yes, you'll survive once I guess you realize he wasn't the right match for you or he wouldn't be leaving and unhappy. But it will take time. Please stay active as much as possible to make things go better and take off some of the stress.


He felt like he had lost himself and his drive - he says he feels numb. In order to heal himself, he feels like he must return to his home country. But I am not a part of that plan. His feelings of self-worth are challenged because I have a big job and I don’t know how to make that ok.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CF03 said:


> He felt like he had lost himself and his drive - he says he feels numb. In order to heal himself, he feels like he must return to his home country. But I am not a part of that plan. His feelings of self-worth are challenged because I have a big job and I don’t know how to make that ok.


Yeah. Well, you shouldn't make that okay. That really is his weakness and problem and I'm sorry he's making it yours. Make a clean break and live up to your full potential. Someone will either come along who appreciates all you can be, or you can be all you can be without someone since you're obviously awesome enough to do so. Sorry it's sad. He knew he wasn't good enough for you in a certain way, but it was mainly his own insecurity.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

CF03 said:


> He felt like he had lost himself and his drive - he says he feels numb. In order to heal himself, he feels like he must return to his home country. But I am not a part of that plan. His feelings of self-worth are challenged because I have a big job and I don’t know how to make that ok.


Whenever somebody steps suddenly like that, it's without warning to you but it's been a plan in their mind for awhile.
He probably found somebody in his home country and decided to be with them.
You'd have to check their social media and texting to know this for sure.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> You will be ok.
> I am sorry you are going through this, I know exactly how you feel not eating or sleeping. Don't do what I did which was drown myself in alcohol (that was the only way I could sleep, but the next day, the pain was still there). Do you have a support system you can lean on while you go through this? Do you work? Have any hobbies? In sure right now you probably can't even see straight let alone want to do anything.


You are kind. And noted…no drinking. I am not even tempted to be honest, I am too sad to move much less open a bottle. I do work and I plan to throw myself into it once I can stop crying. I have tomorrow to get it together before Monday. And fortunately I am remote. I’m an avid yoga person, but can’t even think of going. I’m lucky enough to have my Mom nearby (in fact she is sleeping here tonight). I just miss him so much already….I miss our life…..I. miss our future.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> I'm sorry for what you are going through.
> You will be ok.
> Start living your life as a single person. You may have to act rote while doing this for awhile, but you will start to enjoy it at some point.


Thank you.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> Whenever somebody steps suddenly like that, it's without warning to you but it's been a plan in their mind for awhile.
> He probably found somebody in his home country and decided to be with them.
> You'd have to check their social media and texting to know this for sure.


I won’t torture myself like that. I can’t. And if that is the truth, then let him reap what he sows. I’ve certainly seen karma kick some folks in the butt.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Yeah. Well, you shouldn't make that okay. That really is his weakness and problem and I'm sorry he's making it yours. Make a clean break and live up to your full potential. Someone will either come along who appreciates all you can be, or you can be all you can be without someone since you're obviously awesome enough to do so. Sorry it's sad. He knew he wasn't good enough for you in a certain way, but it was mainly his own insecurity.


Thank you so much for those words. I’m really trying to take them in and to heart.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> You are kind. And noted…no drinking. I am not even tempted to be honest, I am too sad to move much less open a bottle. I do work and I plan to throw myself into it once I can stop crying. I have tomorrow to get it together before Monday. And fortunately I am remote. I’m an avid yoga person, but can’t even think of going. I’m lucky enough to have my Mom nearby (in fact she is sleeping here tonight). I just miss him so much already….I miss our life…..I. miss our future.


I’m so sorry you find yourself here in this situation.
The things people do to the ones who love them is often terrible.

As others have said, it will be ok. You will be ok.
Priority one right now is to take care of yourself.
Pamper yourself.
You‘re at the beginning of a long and terrible road so start getting used to taking special care of yourself. Sleep (I know how that sounds right now), eat regularly, take walks with your mom.

Focus on you.
You don’t deserve to be tossed aside like this, no one does. So don’t accept any blame for things you knew nothing about. This is on him, he’s leaving without giving you chance to do anything about it. This is entirely on him.

Be proud of being a good wife, but he wasn’t a good husband.
Take care of yourself first. Have long talks with your mom. Everything will be ok.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I’m so sorry you find yourself here in this situation.
> The things people do to the ones who love them is often terrible.
> 
> As others have said, it will be ok. You will be ok.
> ...


Thank you. Reading these kind words does help. I need to change my mantra to something more positive. Thank for giving me things to repeat to myself that are forward-thinking. It’s so easy to give into the negative thoughts.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

CF03 said:


> Thank you. Reading these kind words does help. I need to change my mantra to something more positive. Thank for giving me things to repeat to myself that are forward-thinking. It’s so easy to give into the negative thoughts.


You didn't fail here. This isn't your fault. He had a weakness he can't deal with. You're going to be fine after a while.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill. That’s always a good first step.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CF03 said:


> He felt like he had lost himself and his drive - he says he feels numb. In order to heal himself, he feels like he must return to his home country. But I am not a part of that plan. His feelings of self-worth are challenged because I have a big job and I don’t know how to make that ok.


I’d let this be his problem. You can’t fix him. He would have to do that.
There is no magic fix. Sorry.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> I’d let this be his problem. You can’t fix him. He would have to do that.


You are 100% right. It doesn’t stop me wishing I could though.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check your phone bill. That’s always a good first step.


I won’t say ignorance is bliss….because I am definitely not blissful. But I don’t think I could handle an iota more pain right now.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You didn't fail here. This isn't your fault. He had a weakness he can't deal with. You're going to be fine after a while.


I am trying not to give in to the ”what if I only’ s” or the “what did I do wrong?” Trust me, imperfect person over here. But you are right, I can’t change something in him…..he has to do that. I just wish I could wake up six months from now having gotten through the worst of the grief and bad thoughts.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> I am trying not to give in to the ”what if I only’ s” or the “what did I do wrong?” Trust me, imperfect person over here. But you are right, I can’t change something in him…..he has to do that. I just wish I could wake up six months from now having gotten through the worst of the grief and bad thoughts.


That will happen. You’ll wake up one day and realize it didn’t hurt quite so much yesterday. And then more days like that, and more and more.

But, sorry, that day won’t be tomorrow.
Keep posting here, you’re among friends.
Most here have been down this road one way or another.

You’re right to not play what-if games, they will not stop and they are not helpful to you. So don’t let them have your head. Instead turn your thoughts to activities and friends, shopping, writing cards or letters if you do that (but not to _him_)

One day at a time. You’ll get there.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> That will happen. You’ll wake up one day and realize it didn’t hurt quite so much yesterday. And then more days like that, and more and more.
> 
> But, sorry, that day won’t be tomorrow.
> Keep posting here, you’re among friends.
> ...


I will. I’ve already seen the power of asking for help and the kindness of strangers is humbling. I’ll keep coming back and maybe one day I can make someone else feel just a little better.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

CF03 said:


> I won’t say ignorance is bliss….because I am definitely not blissful. But I don’t think I could handle an iota more pain right now.


In truth, it doesn't matter why.
He wants to move on, for himself.
All you can do is move, for yourself.
Whatever the truth is, is going to run you down if you were to find out the reason why.
Since he's leaving, or has left the country, it's irrelevant.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

CF03 said:


> I won’t say ignorance is bliss….because I am definitely not blissful. But I don’t think I could handle an iota more pain right now.


You don’t get strong and start moving the pain will just linger. You essentially will keep yourself in limbo. Wake up!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I had a different situation (my exH was a serial cheater and I eventually chose to end it) but what helped me get through it — while my short-term memory was on hiatus — was to have a journal that went everywhere with me so I could write down random thoughts or lists of things I needed or wanted or had to do or anything else that popped in my head. I couldn’t think clearly for awhile so having the journal around to put everything into, practical or otherwise, helped. In the meantime, be good to yourself and don’t expect too much immediately — although I realize work still has to be done and might actually help a little since it will distract you. Getting through this is a process. It won’t be done quickly but one day you’ll get there.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

CF03 said:


> You are kind. And noted…no drinking. I am not even tempted to be honest, I am too sad to move much less open a bottle. I do work and I plan to throw myself into it once I can stop crying. I have tomorrow to get it together before Monday. And fortunately I am remote. I’m an avid yoga person, but can’t even think of going. I’m lucky enough to have my Mom nearby (in fact she is sleeping here tonight). I just miss him so much already….I miss our life…..I. miss our future.


It WILL be okay. You WILL be okay. Clearly, you are a capable person, and it sounds like you have a good support system. Your world has been turned upside down all of a sudden, and you chose the right words there "I miss our future" because that's what you are doing right now. You are grieving the future you thought you would have.

His reasons for leaving aren't very relevant. People have already suggested he may have been cheating, or that he's insecure, and it doesn't actually matter. All you need to know is that he is not a man you can rely on to be there for you. He may blame you, but if he didn't want to communicate about his issues and resolve them together, then his actions are not your fault, and you can't fix it.

Focus on small, immediate, things for now. Make sure you eat healthy food, try to get sufficient sleep, and stay active in whatever form feels right to you. Seek professional therapy or talk to your doctor if you find things so overwhelming that you can't function. It's okay to be sad, though. It's normal. There will be setbacks, and days you feel you can manage. Over time, slowly slowly, the managing will overtake the setbacks.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

jonty30 said:


> In truth, it doesn't matter why.
> He wants to move on, for himself.
> All you can do is move, for yourself.
> Whatever the truth is, is going to run you down if you were to find out the reason why.
> Since he's leaving, or has left the country, it's irrelevant.


I agree. I want him to be happy. He made me very happy for 9 years. He deserves to pursue his happiness. I’ve never been a fan of an exhaustive post-mortem.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> I had a different situation (my exH was a serial cheater and I eventually chose to end it) but what helped me get through it — while my short-term memory was on hiatus — was to have a journal that went everywhere with me so I could write down random thoughts or lists of things I needed or wanted or had to do or anything else that popped in my head. I couldn’t think clearly for awhile so having the journal around to put everything into, practical or otherwise, helped. In the meantime, be good to yourself and don’t expect too much immediately — although I realize work still has to be done and might actually help a little since it will distract you. Getting through this is a process. It won’t be done quickly but one day you’ll get there.


I going to take your advice. The thoughts good, bad, practical, sad, random, etc, etc, etc are coming a mile a minute. For example, there went: the dogs are going to miss their daddy, I need to take the trash out after 5 today, can I take another sedative to get through today, I wonder if he misses me, I really loved being married to him, do I have to stop wearing my wedding ring, I need to sign up for instacart……


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you will be ok. And you may find this to be for the best. 

If you are successful professionally you need a guy who is secure with that, otherwise you'll spend your life down playing your achievements and trying to stroke his fragile ego. It's going to get tiring. 

I know...I had this with both of my ex's and seem to have finally found someone who appreciates how accomplished I am.

Guys like this need someone less successful to make them feel better.

For now take good care of yourself...exercise a lot and eat well. You don't mention children so once he's gone cut him off....never speak to him again so you can heal.

And if he realizes what a good deal he had and tries to come back don't let him.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Marc878 said:


> You don’t get strong and start moving the pain will just linger. You essentially will keep yourself in limbo. Wake up!


Well, I’m awake. So there’s that.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, you will be ok. And you may find this to be for the best.
> 
> If you are successful professionally you need a guy who is secure with that, otherwise you'll spend your life down playing your achievements and trying to stroke his fragile ego. It's going to get tiring.
> 
> ...


He met me at a time where I was floundering a bit and was trying to get my self back on track (i met him when I went back for my MBA). So yes, I was more of a project. Since then I have really found my stride and built up my confidence. And I have to give him credit for empowering me to do that - he was an enormous support. I think that he ”finished” this project. And he wasn’t prepared for how my reaching my potential would make him feel about his life.
I wholeheartedly agree that it’s a special man who can deal with the role-reversal……because as much as we would like to say gender norms and societally imposed expectations are BS, for my generation (X) at least, they are real and hard to overcome (harder even in the Latin culture). I hope the next generations figure this out.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> OP, you will be ok. And you may find this to be for the best.
> 
> If you are successful professionally you need a guy who is secure with that, otherwise you'll spend your life down playing your achievements and trying to stroke his fragile ego. It's going to get tiring.
> 
> ...


Just to show I haven’t lost my sense of humor……I had to look up OP. I thought it stood for “Other Person.”


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CF03 said:


> He met me at a time where I was floundering a bit and was trying to get my self back on track (i met him when I went back for my MBA). So yes, I was more of a project. Since then I have really found my stride and built up my confidence. And I have to give him credit for empowering me to do that - he was an enormous support. I think that he ”finished” this project. And he wasn’t prepared for how my reaching my potential would make him feel about his life.
> I wholeheartedly agree that it’s a special man who can deal with the role-reversal……because as much as we would like to say gender norms and societally imposed expectations are BS, for my generation (X) at least, they are real and hard to overcome (harder even in the Latin culture). I hope the next generations figure this out.


Same with my ex. He was 19 years older and I was a newly divorced single mom of 2 little kids who had just started teaching and didn't make much.

But I left teaching and built a career as am actuary/data scientist and the more successful I got the more it bothered him. He was happy to have me pay for most things but was also threatened by it. The fact that I was younger and it good physical shape didn't help.

You're absolutely right about your stbx. Hrs a white knight type and needs to be needed. Since he wants out find a guy who's happy to have a successful woman.

Feel good story: a gf of mine is a highly paid IRS agent and had a terrible time with men who couldn't deal with her success. She finally found a guy who comes from a very wealthy family (think grandparents rolled with the Rockefellers wealthy). 

He's thrilled to have such a woman because so many women imagine all the things he can pay for when they realize what he's got. He does treat her to things because he likes to but he's very happy she's self sufficient..... he knows she really enjoys him.

Which she does...she's told me privately she's crazy about him and he's awesome to spend time with.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> Same with my ex. He was 19 years older and I was a newly divorced single mom of 2 little kids who had just started teaching and didn't make much.
> 
> But I left teaching and built a career as am actuary/data scientist and the more successful I got the more it bothered him. He was happy to have me pay for most things but was also threatened by it. The fact that I was younger and it good physical shape didn't help.
> 
> ...


I can’t even imagine someone else in my life right now. But thank you for the feel good story, every little bit helps.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

CF03 said:


> I can’t even imagine someone else in my life right now. But thank you for the feel good story, every little bit helps.


Not now, but when the time is right you will.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> I can’t even imagine someone else in my life right now. But thank you for the feel good story, every little bit helps.


You seem like you’re in a little better place today.
I hope that’s true and if so, I’m happy about that.

I hope you like rollercoasters, that’s the new normal for a while.
🎢
I didn’t know we had one of those. Nice.

FYI








Common Message Board Abbreviations & Acronyms


Need to put together a list of common abbreviations for people new to online message boards.... here is a start: AAMOF = as a matter of fact AP = Affair Partner ASAP = as soon as possible ASAP = as soon as possible b/c = because BAK = back at keyboard BBFN = bye bye for now BBL = be back later...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

From what i've seen in my 48 years, the person who gets screwed over usually comes out on top eventually. You'll be fine, not only fine, but better


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

This is a "him" thing and not a you thing. You will be ok but the road will be rough getting there. Take care of and love yourself first and foremost. I assume no kids? If so, the break should be clean and you can begin to heal.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> You seem like you’re in a little better place today.
> I hope that’s true and if so, I’m happy about that.
> 
> I hope you like rollercoasters, that’s the new normal for a while.
> ...


You’ve heard of intermittent fasting? I am now in intermittent crying stage. My Dad’s on his way here to help me with the practical stuff. My Mom’s here to help with the emotional stuff. My dogs are making sure I go outside. I’m just trying to get through each day. This forum has been very important for me. And I found a cartoon that sums up my approach. All credit to my mom for finding this and Marzi Wilson for creating it. I think I’ll be stuck in “hard day” for the foreseeable future.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> This is a "him" thing and not a you thing. You will be ok but the road will be rough getting there. Take care of and love yourself first and foremost. I assume no kids? If so, the break should be clean and you can gin to heal.


No kids. I married late in life. He has two children, but they are largely independent at this point (although one did live with us - he is visiting his mom and has no idea he won’t be coming home……my husband moved out all his things too). I will miss them too.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> You’ve heard of intermittent fasting? I am now in intermittent crying stage. My Dad’s on his way here to help me with the practical stuff. My Mom’s here to help with the emotional stuff. My dogs are making sure I go outside. I’m just trying to get through each day. This forum has been very important for me. And I found a cartoon that sums up my approach. All credit to my mom for finding this and Marzi Wilson for creating it. I think I’ll be stuck in “hard day” for the foreseeable future.


Those are great lists. Kudos to Mom.
Its great to have parents who jump in with hugs, tears, and tools.

It sounds like you’re doing a great job getting a handle on this and letting them love you.
If course, ‘getting a handle’ just means not losing your **** completely at this point.

Intermittent crying, that’s a new one. I like it. I hope it doesn’t become the new fad though. These days who knows.
Grief sucks. Unfortunately there’s only one way forward. I guess intermittent crying is on that menu.

Its good to see you posting and engaging, you’ll be just fine. I have no doubt.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Mybabysgotit said:


> From what i've seen in my 48 years, the person who gets screwed over usually comes out on top eventually. You'll be fine, not only fine, but better


I don’t wish anything bad for him (maybe the anger stage is pending). I just wish I didn’t feel so sad and scared. It’s hard not to think you must be unlovable when something like this happens.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> Those are great lists. Kudos to Mom.
> Its great to have parents who jump in with hugs, tears, and tools.
> 
> It sounds like you’re doing a great job getting a handle on this and letting them love you.
> ...


It’s the dumb stuff like having to change the locks, change passwords, the things that make it real. I need this forum, he was my best friend and I really don’t have any close friends any more. He was my person. So I will definitely continue to engage because kind people like you are out there willing to help a perfect stranger. It gives me faith in our humanity.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes time — maybe more time than you feel it should. Unfortunately, there’s no way to fast-forward through the process. I sometimes had to take things hour by hour (or even minute by minute). You’ll get through it when it’s time for you to and not before. It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up one day and be indifferent. I didn’t think that day would ever get here but it did. And it will for you as well.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Openminded said:


> It takes time — maybe more time than you feel it should. Unfortunately, there’s no way to fast-forward through the process. I sometimes had to take things hour by hour (or even minute by minute). You’ll get through it when it’s time for you to and not before. It’s a wonderful feeling to wake up one day and be indifferent. I didn’t think that day would ever get here but it did. And it will for you as well.


And even that makes me sad……that one day someone who was the center of my life will be just another person. I’m mourning for everything that is gone and everything that won’t be. This is simply the worst feeling. I am just trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Thank you for sharing your experience with me.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CF03 said:


> No kids. I married late in life. He has two children, but they are largely independent at this point (although one did live with us - he is visiting his mom and has no idea he won’t be coming home……my husband moved out all his things too). I will miss them too.


I don't know if you are close to that child that was living with you, but you MAY want to contact him and let him know what happened and why just so he isn't blindsided (like you were!!!)


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

jlg07 said:


> I don't know if you are close to that child that was living with you, but you MAY want to contact him and let him know what happened and why just so he isn't blindsided (like you were!!!)


I owe it to my STBXH to let him tell the boys himself, in his way. But I fear there is no way they won’t be blindsided.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

How are you doing CF?
Did Dad come and change the locks?


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

This is what, day 3? Probably not much relief in sight yet, except maybe the quiet times between intermittent crying cycles are a little ummm… ’less volatile?’


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> This is what, day 3? Probably not much relief in sight yet, except maybe the quiet times between intermittent crying cycles are a little ummm… ’less volatile?’


Day three: times between intermittent crying have been focused on unraveling two lives that were entwined. cancelling Credit cards, new bank account, figuring out insurance, talking to my doctor (sleep meds) etc. Focusing on the tasks without thinking about why you have to do them in the first place can be a helpful distraction. And then you come home and see the beach bags that were made for your wedding and have a meltdown. Followed by finding my marriage certificate. Meltdown. Then there was the picture that popped up on my stupid iPhone widget. Meltdown. Today was hard. I had to do a lot of things that made the end of my marriage more real. I am grateful that my parents are here to help and that I have this forum. Thank you so much for checking on me. So to answer: less volatile, but the memory minefield is a dangerous place and seemingly very hard to avoid.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> but the memory minefield is a dangerous place and seemingly very hard to avoid


I‘m glad you’re doing ‘ok’. Seems weird to think this is ok, doesn’t it. Agree, the memory minefield will take a long time to learn. I don’t know if it’s better to avoid the mines or just bring your Kevlar and get used to it. A question for the docs I suppose. Easter is coming and there’s a whole new hell awaiting for you there. 


Best of luck to CF.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I‘m glad you’re doing ‘ok’. Seems weird to think this is ok, doesn’t it. Agree, the memory minefield will take a long time to learn. I don’t know if it’s better to avoid the mines or just bring your Kevlar and get used to it. A question for the docs I suppose. Easter is coming and there’s a whole new hell awaiting for you there.
> 
> 
> Best of luck to CF.


007, you Really are a special agent (licensed to help)


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> 007, you Really are a special agent (licensed to help)


Ha ha. Years ago when I was looking for an account name on various sites, adding 007 was never ever taken. Seems like an obvious choice but no one ever took it 
I guess it stuck.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Mybabysgotit said:


> From what i've seen in my 48 years, the person who gets screwed over usually comes out on top eventually. You'll be fine, not only fine, but better


That is exactly how it went for me... this is so true.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

@CF03 

I know it's only been a few days, but how are you doing?


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

CF03 said:


> My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


It is not awesome to go through it. Try not to embrace your reptile side too much.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Works said:


> @CF03
> 
> I know it's only been a few days, but how are you doing?


I am hanging in there…..being busy and having people around have been a godsend. I am alone in my house for the first time since the implosion of my life and not crying which I consider progress. I just signed my last joint tax return with only a minor meltdown. I saw his car today and was only in severe pain vs. impending death throes. I am hoping this means things are getting better vs. I am so exhausted I can’t process. I am walking around with a notebook because it seems like all my thoughts are fleeting at this point (and boy are those suckers fast). But today was better than yesterday and tomorrow I am going back to work so that should keep my mind from wandering down dark alleys - and getting mugged by sad thoughts.

Thank you for asking after me and giving me the chance to talk about these things.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> How are you doing CF?
> Did Dad come and change the locks?


Yes, Dad changed the locks, the bank account, the insurance, cancelled credit cards, all the practical minutiae that were seemingly impossible in my emotional state. Mom is tasked with finding the right lawyer. It’s a Luxury to be able to grieve without worrying about these things. I would tell anyone going through this that having a close friend or family member to help you with Practical stuff (push you out of bed, drive you to bank, call utilities with you on speaker) - it’s a good distraction with important results.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> Yes, Dad changed the locks, the bank account, the insurance, cancelled credit cards, all the practical minutiae that were seemingly impossible in my emotional state. Mom is tasked with finding the right lawyer. It’s a Luxury to be able to grieve without worrying about these things. I would tell anyone going through this that having a close friend or family member to help you with Practical stuff (push you out of bed, drive you to bank, call utilities with you on speaker) - it’s a good distraction with important results.


And that one Saint that will sit there and listen to you wail on and on about any old thing and never judge you for a second… priceless. People that don’t have these supports have such a tough road.

Im glad you’re well.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

CF03

After awhile - you may think of things that you just let go or didn't fret over because you were happy.

Now that he has departed - you say due to your earnings outpacing his - you will find the situation not all that uncommon.
I don't know why but some spouses cannot play #2 in the earnings team.

I'm wondering if there is something else? Maybe his ethnicity or family "honor" sort of thing? Or, is he under delusion that his girlfriend from 5th grade is now a better choice for a life sharing partner? 

You haven't told much about your marriage other than 9 years of 'happy.' 

Think about those nine years - "you were his project" ??? Jeez - that is cold thinking. 

Congratulations on your Masters and success. Long term good things are coming your way.
Be open to new friendships and take your time - you will be fine soon enough.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> CF03
> 
> After awhile - you may think of things that you just let go or didn't fret over because you were happy.
> 
> ...


Wise words. I think we all compromise on things when we marry. Whether it’s surrendering the side of the bed you are used to sleeping on or ignoring that penchant for expensive shoes or ending a friendship with an ex. The problems start if someone is compromising too much and it’s no longer compromising, but subverting their happiness or interests. 

I think making this about earnings is too facile…..for whatever reason, he felt his sense of self and joy in life were eroding. He moved to FL for me (for my job) and has found it hard to find work (and keep it) here. Is some of that on him? Absolutely. 

He is closing in on 50, he feels like his career is off-track and worse, he felt dependent and it was unmanageable for him. Both boys are now over 20 - he is an amazing father - and so they don’t “need“ him in the same way. He often told me “You grew up so fast” - translation: he didn’t feel like I needed him as much either. The thing is that I was not his child, I was his wife (admittedly could be very childish). And I do need him, but not in the way he needs (I guess).

If I had to guess, I think he feels like he lost himself somewhere along the way. I don’t know if there is a third party involved - I hope not, I hope he wasn’t having an affair (emotional or other) - but at this point, I can’t think about it. I still love him and I hope he finds his happiness again. I will always be grateful that he was in my life.


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## LivedThroughIt (12 mo ago)

CF03 said:


> My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


One of the best resources for me was the book rebuilding when your realationship ends by Bruce fisher and the 10 week recovery program based on the book I participated in. We did not have kids so it was less complicated than others but still super painful. After a lot of inner work I met someone who I was more compatible with and now we have a family. Do your best to take care of yourself- I’m a big fan of the no contact rule and also training yourself to not set your emotional compass on the actions of the x. The support of others going through a similar experience is invaluable.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

LivedThroughIt said:


> One of the best resources for me was the book rebuilding when your realationship ends by Bruce fisher and the 10 week recovery program based on the book I participated in. We did not have kids so it was less complicated than others but still super painful. After a lot of inner work I met someone who I was more compatible with and now we have a family. Do your best to take care of yourself- I’m a big fan of the no contact rule and also training yourself to not set your emotional compass on the actions of the x. The support of others going through a similar experience is invaluable.


Ordering book now.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

CF03 said:


> My husband told me he wanted to leave last night. Out of the blue, for me, but clearly he had been thinking about this for a while. I feel like my life has just been torn apart as well as my heart. I love him. After 9 years of marriage I still looked forward to seeing him. I thought we would be together forever. Intellectually I know that I will survive, but the pain is so intense…..anything that anyone can suggest to help. I can’t sleep or eat.


I am sorry. I’m pretty much in the same shoes found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year was leaving to live at his mothers. He came back yesterday to talk it out. But he is for this divorce to happen. I also found out he’s having an emotional affair. I feel lost and don’t want to give up on this relationship. I love him. We are giving it a month and then going to talk it out if we are filing for a divorce or sticking it through but he said he’s leaning towards a divorce.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> I am sorry. I’m pretty much in the same shoes found out 6 days ago my husband of 14 year was leaving to live at his mothers. He came back yesterday to talk it out. But he is for this divorce to happen. I also found out he’s having an emotional affair. I feel lost and don’t want to give up on this relationship. I love him. We are giving it a month and then going to talk it out if we are filing for a divorce or sticking it through but he said he’s leaning towards a divorce.


To say I understand sounds lame, but I certainly do. It sounds like you probably have kids together (guess based on user name) which adds a degree of complexity that I am not facing. I might have tried harder if that was the case, but once he said he was leaving back to his country with no particular plan to return or for our relationship, I saved myself: I asked for an immediate and clean break. This is because I know myself though, I couldn’t live in a state of suspended hopefulness. Who knows what the future will bring, but I knew I wouldn’t face the future if there was a chance to return to my past.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

@CF03 I wanted to check in, how are things going?

It’s been a few days since your split; how are you holding up? Hopefully you’re starting to have glimpses of light through all the ugliness. How was your return to work? My own return to work situation was really hard at first but then it was ok and really helped to occupy and distract the little hamster upstairs.

Is your divorce underway?


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

I am doing much better although I still have moments where I think: this isn’t really happening. He’s just on a trip. Work is a welcome distraction - exactly as you said, stops Monkey Mind. Only a few close colleagues and my boss know what’s going on. I find my challenge is not bursting into tears, but fighting the urge to snap at people who try my patience - I guess that’s how I react when hurt. It helps that things are very busy right now and a couple colleagues are giving me air cover if I need it. 

The divorce is under way. I have retained an attorney and my STBXH and I have agreed on terms (via text). Filling out the financial affidavit is a sad exercise. I just want to get it over with so I can move on.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

CF03 said:


> I am doing much better although I still have moments where I think: this isn’t really happening. He’s just on a trip. Work is a welcome distraction - exactly as you said, stops Monkey Mind. Only a few close colleagues and my boss know what’s going on. I find my challenge is not bursting into tears, but fighting the urge to snap at people who try my patience - I guess that’s how I react when hurt. It helps that things are very busy right now and a couple colleagues are giving me air cover if I need it.
> 
> The divorce is under way. I have retained an attorney and my STBXH and I have agreed on terms (via text). Filling out the financial affidavit is a sad exercise. I just want to get it over with so I can move on.


I could have written this exact post years ago.
Take care of yourself CF.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I could have written this exact post years ago.
> Take care of yourself CF.


Well…except ‘him’ should be ‘her’


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

I am happy to say for the first time in a long time I got a makeover. New clothes got my hair done and I’m wearing makeup. I’m doing this for ME and it feels great! I booked an appoint for a massage Saturday. I tried calling for counseling but they are booked for 3 months. I really want to get out and drink/ go dancing but my best friend moved to another state and another friend just had a baby.I really don’t want to tell to many people until the divorce happens. Which makes me lonely. Soon to be ex is taking my kids Friday and I have no where to go 😞. I really don’t want to be stuck in my head.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

Supermom24 said:


> I am happy to say for the first time in a long time I got a makeover. New clothes got my hair done and I’m wearing makeup. I’m doing this for ME and it feels great! I booked an appoint for a massage Saturday. I tried calling for counseling but they are booked for 3 months. I really want to get out and drink/ go dancing but my best friend moved to another state and another friend just had a baby.I really don’t want to tell to many people until the divorce happens. Which makes me lonely. Soon to be ex is taking my kids Friday and I have no where to go 😞. I really don’t want to be stuck in my head.


Good for you!!!! It does help, doesn’t it? I cried all my eyelashes off so Saturday I went and got lashes! Now I definitely don’t want to cry. And Sunday I got my hair done. The advice to do things that make you feel good is invaluable. I just put the rest of his things out on the front porch and texted him to pick them up. 

I love, love, love that you want to go out and dance! I’m not quite there. I don’t want to take off my rings yet. i have never been brave enough to do it, but when I feel good enough, I will go have a drink (1), by myself. I don’t know where you live, but maybe there is a local spot where you can sit at the bar, grab a drink and a meal and just be surrounded by life. 

I also recommend creating a list of things you can never get to while the kids are around (or you are busy at work) and take the weekend to do that. I will be rearranging the closets (and spreading out - one room is winter 🤣), one is work, etc.) trying to put together a new dog water fountain, changing my router out, heading to Verizon to change my phone, going to yoga, etc. etc. In between I will binge watch some British mystery shows that he hated, and play games where I need absolute quiet (a rare commodity when he was here) on my “stupid iPad.” (his words)

Give me a month and I’ll go dancing with you 🙂


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CF03 said:


> In order to heal himself, he feels like he must return to his home country.


Where is he from? Is he going to leave his kids behind? I understand they are older, but... I moved countries to be with my wife and now it's all fallen apart and I feel pretty lost. The kids have left home and I feel lonely, pointless and with no future and purpose. Maybe I will have to move back to my country too to find myself again.


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

He is from Mexico. He moved to the US long before we met >20 years ago. I don’t think he feels like he is leaving the kids behind (nor should he), because they are older and they are living their own lives. I think it’s entirely possible that after some time in Mexico to regroup and lean on his support structure there, he will return and move somewhere he can be close to the kids. 

Lonely, yes. Pointless and no future, no. You built a life around someone who is no longer there, but she was not your life. Your life is your own. My husband was the center of my world, I get it. There is a big, black hole there, but it is filling in. If going to your home country will give you a chance to heal or it’s where you really want to be, then maybe you should go. But if you are simply sad (devastated), but like your world here, then maybe time is what you need.

keep in mind, i don’t know much about your situation so apologies if I’ve said something dumb or insensitive, I’m sorry.


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## Supermom24 (10 mo ago)

CF03 said:


> Good for you!!!! It does help, doesn’t it? I cried all my eyelashes off so Saturday I went and got lashes! Now I definitely don’t want to cry. And Sunday I got my hair done. The advice to do things that make you feel good is invaluable. I just put the rest of his things out on the front porch and texted him to pick them up.
> 
> I love, love, love that you want to go out and dance! I’m not quite there. I don’t want to take off my rings yet. i have never been brave enough to do it, but when I feel good enough, I will go have a drink (1), by myself. I don’t know where you live, but maybe there is a local spot where you can sit at the bar, grab a drink and a meal and just be surrounded by life.
> 
> ...





CF03 said:


> Good for you!!!! It does help, doesn’t it? I cried all my eyelashes off so Saturday I went and got lashes! Now I definitely don’t want to cry. And Sunday I got my hair done. The advice to do things that make you feel good is invaluable. I just put the rest of his things out on the front porch and texted him to pick them up.
> 
> I love, love, love that you want to go out and dance! I’m not quite there. I don’t want to take off my rings yet. i have never been brave enough to do it, but when I feel good enough, I will go have a drink (1), by myself. I don’t know where you live, but maybe there is a local spot where you can sit at the bar, grab a drink and a meal and just be surrounded by life.
> 
> ...


It feels so good to have done this makeover. My little one with a big smile said “mommy you look beautiful!” I love that you got new eyelashes! No crying!! Great idea of making a list of what to do when I do get time. Picking up yoga or dance class could be fun. I’m still wearing my ring too.. uggg. I guess it’s hard though when he comes to get the kids or texts me about the kids. It’s all civil. But he can be so sweet, which I think makes it harder. I have to remind myself he is a liar and cheater. I wish I could meet up with women going through what I am to just hang out. But ya we could dance the night away!!! Lol!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

CF03 said:


> keep in mind, i don’t know much about your situation so apologies if I’ve said something dumb or insensitive, I’m sorry.


No, you haven't. I just wondered if going back to my roots might help finding myself again. I like my life where I am now, but also miss my own country a lot. I just mentioned it because your husband moving back to his own country to heal just struck a chord with me. I wish you all the best!


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## CF03 (10 mo ago)

In Absentia said:


> No, you haven't. I just wondered if going back to my roots might help finding myself again. I like my life where I am now, but also miss my own country a lot. I just mentioned it because your husband moving back to his own country to heal just struck a chord with me. I wish you all the best!


And I wish you all the best as well.


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