# My family's causing my divorce



## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

I'm very close with my family but they mistreat me a lot. It's so bad I think about leaving my husband. I am stuck between leaving them forever and enduring their abusive ways. I would like to know what you would do if you were in my position. 

I will explain some of the things that they do but you have to understand I can't go into all of it. It's to much. It's a lifetime of hurt. My father physically abused me growing up. When I am around him now he doesn't touch me (my husband would never allow it) so instead he talks down to me when my husband isn't around. He calls me names and talks to me like I'm the dumbest person to exist in all mankind. My mother is hurtful because she makes excuses for him. Anything he does is ok in her eyes because it's him. She is also somewhat of a psychopath. 

I got into an argument with my sister earlier this year, she was mad that I couldn't help her so she blew up on me and started cursing at me, etc. After a lifetime of abuse from her I finally cut her off. I still feel sad about that relationship but I've already made it clear to everyone who knows us that I will never talk to her for the rest of my life. Afterwards my mom told me she's had it out for me my entire life. This is true. 

My brother and I are now distant after I realized he tried to video record my breasts so he could sale the video online. This was after we argued (last year) about him saying I killed my dog (he was talking out his ass, the necropsy showed my dog died from heart failure). That isn't all either, it's just the most recent stuff. 

My other sister (the youngest) told me I needed my ass whooped growing up (from my dad). She's much younger then me and my parents told her lies about me and the other older 2. Anyway no ones deserves abuse. 

I'm finally coming to terms with life with PTSD and I'm trying to learn how to heal past it. I've unfortunately been physically attacked a lot in my life. Anyway my point is about a year ago I was going to drop everything and pack up 1 small bag and leave town and everyone behind (my husband, everyone). I only realized early this year that it was because of my family. They drive me crazy. It gets to the point where I feel this overwhelming need to leave everyone, including my husband behind and never look back. For some reason I never realize this when I'm in the middle of feeling it. All I know is I must leave at all costs. This is why I say my family is driving me to divorce. 
All the time I go back and forth between wanting to work it out (even though I'm the only one trying) and wanting to leave (because I think it would be healthier for me). Whenever I try to bring up an issue they tell me no one's the problem but me. So I feel like I don't know. Am I right to leave? Would you?


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Why can't you leave WITH your husband?


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

alphaomega said:


> Why can't you leave WITH your husband?


What I was trying to say is that they make me feel paranoid (for lack of better word), I guess you could say (and I'm sure the PTSD doesn't help). Something will happen with my family and I'll feel like everyone I know is out to get me and the only way I can be safe and to live through it is if I leave town and never look back, that includes my husband. And it keeps happening. It's like everyone I know is a threat to my well being and survival even though my husband doesn't hurt me. 

It doesn't happen all the time. This PTSD stuff is hard but I'm better when some crazy family stuff isn't going on. But when something else does happen (with the family) that's the mind frame I'm in. I hope I explained it better this time???


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

PTSD is interesting in that it will constantly place you in the fight or flight state...and that many who have it struggle with the desire to isolate from anything and everything just because of the constant frenzy that they feel. 

If indeed your family triggers you with all of the unnecessary drama, then it is probably your best interest to create boundaries or limits that will support your mental well-being...and that means even making cuts that your family can't understand. Unfortunately, it sounds like there is a lot of emotional entanglement in your family evidenced by the trash-talking and the abuse covering-up...and that is just not a healthy environment for anyone, irregardless of PTSD.

Does your husband understand how your family triggers you? It is important that he understands what is going on and how your own family affects you, so that he can support you in setting those limits. I am getting the hint that you live in a smaller town or that your family all reside close together...is that why you sometimes consider even leaving your husband behind? Do you feel like there is sometimes nowhere to go?

In this situation, I would have serious talk with your husband about making plans to relocate. That's a huge step perhaps for both of you and maybe financially daunting, but there has to be some measure you can take to maintain BOTH your sanity AND your marriage.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Am I crazy? Is it just me? Is my family normal or am I right in wanting to be away from them?


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> PTSD is interesting in that it will constantly place you in the fight or flight state...and that many who have it struggle with the desire to isolate from anything and everything just because of the constant frenzy that they feel.
> 
> If indeed your family triggers you with all of the unnecessary drama, then it is probably your best interest to create boundaries or limits that will support your mental well-being...and that means even making cuts that your family can't understand. Unfortunately, it sounds like there is a lot of emotional entanglement in your family evidenced by the trash-talking and the abuse covering-up...and that is just not a healthy environment for anyone, irregardless of PTSD.
> 
> ...


I dont think I've thought of them like that before in terms of triggering me but yes he knows how they make me feel. 
Yes I live in a smaller town. Do I feel like there's nowhere to go? I feel trapped and like the only way I can feel safe is to get away from everyone I know. 

As far as my husband he doesn't trigger me. It's hard to explain I guess if you've never been through it. He is the only one who knows I have PTSD (except my therapist) and he is very supportive. It's just that when my family triggers me I feel unsafe and quite honestly like I'm going to die, like my life is in danger and unless I get away from everyone I know I wont survive the day. (It was hard to type that but that's how I feel)
In the moment (of fight or flight) I do not remember that my husband is a safe point (as he normally feels to me), all I know is I have to go away. 

This has happened recently also but the worst was last year. I bought a bus ticket and had all intentions of leaving but then I didn't. I need to make a change, I'm just not sure what to do. I dont want to lose my marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband know that you get these urges to leave, and to leave him behind?

All families have some kind of drama. But not all to the extent that you are dealing with. 

Your parents are very toxic. Your father abused you and your mother sticks up for him. This is reason enough for you to never, ever see them again. Or you could seriously limit your exposure to them.... maybe only on holidays and even with that leave the instant they get out of hand.

Your brother has serious issues. Him trying to get that photo to post on the internet is pretty sick. What was the driving force behind that? Was he trying to humiliate you? Or is he a pervert who does stuff like this is women in general?

Your sisters sound like they picked up the attitude from your parents and are carrying it forward. You are the family scape goat so you are the one that they all put down and emotionally beat up to make themselves feel better/superior.

Do you ever talk back to your father? When he treats you as you describe, do you stop him and tell him to not do that? Or do you just take it?


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Does your husband know that you get these urges to leave, and to leave him behind?


Yes he knows. He's the first to know when I want to leave. 



EleGirl said:


> All families have some kind of drama. But not all to the extent that you are dealing with.
> 
> Your parents are very toxic. Your father abused you and your mother sticks up for him. This is reason enough for you to never, ever see them again. Or you could seriously limit your exposure to them.... maybe only on holidays and even with that leave the instant they get out of hand.


thank you 



EleGirl said:


> Your brother has serious issues. Him trying to get that photo to post on the internet is pretty sick. What was the driving force behind that? Was he trying to humiliate you? Or is he a pervert who does stuff like this is women in general?


In short it wasn't all of me (not that that's right) it was me from the shoulders down. It was a video of my breasts (clothed) jiggling around (cleavage and all) as I talked. Until that point I hadn't realized they moved that much simply from me talking, anywho, when I caught myself on the video he stopped recording. I want to say he normally doesn't act like that but truth is he normally doesn't do that type of stuff around me (or the rest of the family). I had discovered earlier that day that he had sold (and was continuing to do so) nude photos of his girlfriend to anonymous buyers online (yes with her consent, but still it wasn't right. She clearly didn't want to but did it anyway because he was asking). 



EleGirl said:


> Your sisters sound like they picked up the attitude from your parents and are carrying it forward.


yes and because she's so much younger then me she doesn't remember a lot of what happened before I left home. So what she does "know" (what they told her) is my parents twisted version. 



EleGirl said:


> You are the family scape goat so you are the one that they all put down and emotionally beat up to make themselves feel better/superior.


My husband has said this to me before. 



EleGirl said:


> Do you ever talk back to your father? When he treats you as you describe, do you stop him and tell him to not do that? Or do you just take it?


My father is the type of guy that you can't tell him anything. He thinks he knows everything and if anyone says different they dont know jack from jill. Yes I've tried to explain to him that he is hurtful and wrong. I've been telling him this since I was little. Not that he listens. Now that I'm an adult I just take it. To him it is the truth, I am stupid (and whatever else he comes up with) and nothing will change that in his eyes. My husband gave me the courage to believe I'm not and explained to me why I'm not.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

AllDriedUp, my wife has PTSD, so I have witnessed firsthand what it looks like when that "survival mode" kicks in. My wife has a much better handle on her acting out, but it took her being honest about her limitations, identifying her stress triggers, and finding a means to limit her exposure to those stressors.

PTSD is not something that gets better over time. It is exactly like an open flesh wound, if you ignore it or pretend it's not there, it will just get infected and get far worse. It is just hard to figure out because although it is serious mental trauma/pain...we often don't recognize the signs that something is really, really wrong!

First step is recognizing it yourself (which it seems you have done). Second is having a support structure who validates the reality of what caused the pain and that the pain exists. Surround yourselves with those who are supportive, limit your exposure to those who aren't. Those who are instigators, who deny reality, who are your surefire triggers...cut off all communication. Basically review all people, places, and things...as to what can and cannot be in your circle...identify anything that harms/exceeds your ability to manage your coping ability. 

Once you can achieve that place of manageability (it will never be 100%), hopefully you can be in a place to heal and to work on yourself and marriage. This may require some tough decisions, but it will pay off once you can achieve a margin of health and are able to make healthy decisions.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I'll bet your brother would have no problem selling that jiggly breast video to someone under a bridge. Just sayin ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AllDriedUp said:


> My father is the type of guy that you can't tell him anything. He thinks he knows everything and if anyone says different they dont know jack from jill. Yes I've tried to explain to him that he is hurtful and wrong. I've been telling him this since I was little. Not that he listens. Now that I'm an adult I just take it. To him it is the truth, I am stupid (and whatever else he comes up with) and nothing will change that in his eyes. My husband gave me the courage to believe I'm not and explained to me why I'm not.


Your way of handling the abuse and resulting PTSD seems to be to just accept the abuse until you explode and need to run away. 

Instead of trying to explain to your father that he's hurting you, learn to just tell him "STOP". When he gets going on being hurtful, just look at him and tell him something like "You are being cruel. No one wants to be around a cruel person. I'm leaving." And then just leave. Let him sit there and stew in his own nasty/mean juices.

This way you stand up for yourself. You start to control the situation.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

I guess it's hard for me to accept giving up my parents and siblings because I love them so much. I wish I could keep them in my life AND be healthy. I keep feeling like there is someway around it that I'm just not seeing yet. 

And I have a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. If I give up my parents and siblings that means giving up seeing the rest of my family at family get together's. I'm not saying I don't want to be healthy. It just seems like there's a way of having both that I'm just not seeing yet.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

AllDriedUp said:


> I guess it's hard for me to accept giving up my parents and siblings because I love them so much. I wish I could keep them in my life AND be healthy. I keep feeling like there is someway around it that I'm just not seeing yet.
> 
> And I have a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. If I give up my parents and siblings that means giving up seeing the rest of my family at family get together's. I'm not saying I don't want to be healthy. It just seems like there's a way of having both that I'm just not seeing yet.


It comes with erecting tough boundaries. My wife was molested by her much older sister for years...and sister NEVER admitted to it. Years later, her sister married into success, yet my wife became the family scapegoat. She attended all the family things while being silent and suffering and not having any close family relationships. One day, she had it an decided to write a letter to her sister basically saying "I need our relationship based on reality, so if you can't admit to reality then there is no basis to this relationship." That was almost ten years ago and hasn't talked to her sister since...not as a punishment and not trying to raise family drama...she just respected herself enough to say enough fake bs, having every intention to reconcile when sister is ready to be real. It was hard, but healthiest thing she had ever done for herself at that point in her life.

Not saying you have to cut off all your family, but you do need to accept what you can and can't deal with. Perhaps you can do a "trial separation" with your family in that you will just maybe spend a few months apart from them until you can gain your voice and strength to know what you need and how to ask for it. If, at that time, your concerns are ignored, then you probably need to take more drastic separation measures, accepting the situation. If they respond to your your wishes for sustainability in the family (and that means not saying you are being selfish), then maybe you can consider allowing them some measure of trust.

My concern is the so-quiet-it-is-deafening/ elephant in the room fact of the unacknowledged abuse. That alone can be a constant trigger.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It seems to me, the one person who cares about you, takes care of you and looks out for your general welfare, is the FIRST person you look at to leave.

Leave your loser family in the dust. They're toxic keep your husband.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

FormerSelf said:


> My concern is the so-quiet-it-is-deafening/ elephant in the room fact of the unacknowledged abuse. That alone can be a constant trigger.


I'm so glad I started this thread! I had not thought of that. I've made a lot of improvements since being "diagnosed" (I can now stand in a line at a grocery store (or other lines) without being triggered) but I still have 2 triggers. I had not considered the "unacknowledged abuse" to be one of them even though it's bothered me for a long time. But, it makes SO MUCH sense! I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get over it. 

2 things that bother me about it, 1, like you said that it goes on unacknowledged. I never got an apology. I am expected to carry on as if none of it ever happened. And if any hint of it comes up in discussion my father says that parents have the right to "discipline" any way they choose. Yes, that's what he calls it. 

And 2, they keep up this image when around the rest of the family that they are the perfect parents. And all of the kids, me included is supposed to keep up with this image/lie. I hate it. When the rest of my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, etc) is around they are very pleasant to be around but when they aren't they are completely different people. Like I said my mother is a psychopath and no one in the family knows nor would they believe it. 

I think your right. I would need to address that with them if I were to have them in my life and be healthy. What concerns me is putting my happiness in their hands, again.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Revamped said:


> It seems to me, the one person who cares about you, takes care of you and looks out for your general welfare, is the FIRST person you look at to leave.
> 
> Leave your loser family in the dust. They're toxic keep your husband.


It's not that I dont love him. It's just my response to having PTSD. And thanks.


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

AllDriedUp said:


> I'm so glad I started this thread! I had not thought of that. I've made a lot of improvements since being "diagnosed" (I can now stand in a line at a grocery store (or other lines) without being triggered) but I still have 2 triggers. I had not considered the "unacknowledged abuse" to be one of them even though it's bothered me for a long time. But, it makes SO MUCH sense! I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get over it.


I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Maybe it's time to change your therapist you mentioned earlier. If he/she didn't pick up on these triggers he/she may not be able to help you and you're wasting your money. 

My wife has constant issues with her family based on her history (abuse (not from her parents), neglect, etc). She stands up to herself and tells her parents what she thinks and doesn't accept any BS. Many times she's walked out on them but they always reconcile.

Losing the relationship with your parents doesn't necessarily mean losing all contact to your relatives. You might be able to maintain or even deepen individual relationships outside family gatherings if you treasure them and they are based on honest and mutual respect.


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## JustAMan2 (Oct 28, 2011)

I recommend the book "Boundries" by Henry Cloud. It will really help you.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your way of handling the abuse and resulting PTSD seems to be to just accept the abuse until you explode and need to run away.
> 
> Instead of trying to explain to your father that he's hurting you, learn to just tell him "STOP". When he gets going on being hurtful, just look at him and tell him something like "You are being cruel. No one wants to be around a cruel person. I'm leaving." And then just leave. Let him sit there and stew in his own nasty/mean juices.
> 
> This way you stand up for yourself. You start to control the situation.


It's not that I want to take it. I'm known within the family for bringing everyone together. If there is an issue it will go unresolved until I bring everyone together and help coach everyone to being on good terms again. I don't do the work but I jump in if it gets out of control. I say this to say that I'm very familiar with handling conflict. 

In 20 + years of telling my dad he's wrong I want him to stop the only time it looked like he got it and was actually going to stop was a few years ago. He tried to make my (what he believes to be) "faults" a joke at a family get together and he wasn't expecting me to say anything. When I did, it embarrassed him and he stopped being emotionally abusive towards me after that for about 1 1/2 years. I was elated. I thought he got it. I thought our relationship could finally move on to healing and becoming closer. Nope. Like I said after a year and a half he went out of his way to talk **** about me in front of my husband. 

That made me want to give up on him, my dad. If 20+ years of effort wont do anything... ??? Also I know enough to know that both parties have to work towards change or it wont work. He hasn't worked for it nor does he believe it's necessary. He just thinks if I wasn't what he claims me to be there would be no need for him to "call me out".

So it's not that I want to take it. It's just that my options are to take it and see my family or not take it and see none of them. I've been taking it the past few years in order to see the others.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AllDriedUp said:


> I'm so glad I started this thread! I had not thought of that. I've made a lot of improvements since being "diagnosed" (I can now stand in a line at a grocery store (or other lines) without being triggered) but I still have 2 triggers. I had not considered the "unacknowledged abuse" to be one of them even though it's bothered me for a long time. But, it makes SO MUCH sense! I couldn't figure out why I couldn't get over it.
> 
> 2 things that bother me about it, 1, like you said that it goes on unacknowledged. I never got an apology. I am expected to carry on as if none of it ever happened. And if any hint of it comes up in discussion my father says that parents have the right to "discipline" any way they choose. Yes, that's what he calls it.
> 
> ...


Your parents are very unlikely to acknowledge any abuse that they have engaged in. Most abusive people never do.

Your therapist should be working with you to find ways for you to handle this. There are ways for you to put this to rest. Talk to the therapist about how to handle the fact that your parents will not acknowledge it and will never give you the apology you want.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

AllDriedUp said:


> It's not that I want to take it. I'm known within the family for bringing everyone together. If there is an issue it will go unresolved until I bring everyone together and help coach everyone to being on good terms again. I don't do the work but I jump in if it gets out of control. I say this to say that I'm very familiar with handling conflict.
> 
> In 20 + years of telling my dad he's wrong I want him to stop the only time it looked like he got it and was actually going to stop was a few years ago. He tried to make my (what he believes to be) "faults" a joke at a family get together and he wasn't expecting me to say anything. When I did, it embarrassed him and he stopped being emotionally abusive towards me after that for about 1 1/2 years. I was elated. I thought he got it. I thought our relationship could finally move on to healing and becoming closer. Nope. Like I said after a year and a half he went out of his way to talk **** about me in front of my husband. .


From this it's clear that you standing up to your father worked for 1 1/2 years. That's actually a huge success. Instead of giving up when he started it again, you should have once again stood up to him. 

This reminds me of training my dogs. If I slack off on training, they regress and go back to behaving as they want to instead of how I want them to behave (like jumping up on people in excitement when people come over). Take a hint from dog training. You need to repeat the lesson often and consistently.



AllDriedUp said:


> That made me want to give up on him, my dad. If 20+ years of effort wont do anything... ??? Also I know enough to know that both parties have to work towards change or it wont work. He hasn't worked for it nor does he believe it's necessary. He just thinks if I wasn't what he claims me to be there would be no need for him to "call me out".
> 
> So it's not that I want to take it. It's just that my options are to take it and see my family or not take it and see none of them. I've been taking it the past few years in order to see the others.


You said above that when you stood up to your dad it worked for a long time. So why are you giving up? 

Family members get comfortable with their position and roles in the family. Even if the role is a very destructive one. You are the family kicking bag or scape goat. And it seems that while you do not like it, you are also too used to playing that role to truly stand up to your parents and siblings. From what you have said, you enable it.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

AllDriedUp - I've lurked here for some time but never felt a need to register before since members here are full of sound advice and there's nothing I could add,, until now. I think I can connect the dots to explain your urges to up and run. Hang in there,, I can't do quotes on this old phone/browser and my paragraphs may bunch up into one big one. So, here goes.

Like an abused spouse you're stuck in a toxic rut with your parents. While it'd be great if you could cut contact with them I think the jolt would be too much for you right now so sticking with the devils you know and working from within will be a wiser option. All you need is a plan.

I don't suggest you wield it right away - just think about it - but you need to acknowledge that you have a MIGHTY power at your disposal that could crash their universe. You don't have to keep their secret anymore if you don't want to. They stand to lose a lot more than you do if you decide to tell - potential arrest, loss of access to nephews and nieces, status they've spent years building. I doubt you want that drama either (and you certainly don't need authorities disbelieving you) but I doubt your dad is about to risk calling your bluff.

Consider this, then. Others have noted how pop didn't like you standing up to him,, I wonder how he'd cope with this mind game. Next time he subjects you to distressing put-downs take him aside and say this. "My therapist thinks I should go to the police/CPS about what you did to me. I think I will if you carry on like that."

That'll throw a spanner in his works. He'll think you've told somebody already,, and if you've told one you might tell others. Best of all, it tells him he's lost control of you - and might be about to lose control of every aspect of his life. Indeed, you have the power to control him, should you choose to exercise it.

Back to the current reality and the ongoing toxicity. The constant cycle of your seeking parental acceptance only to be betrayed is all you've ever known. Likely enforced by being told that if you speak up something worse will happen. Something has to change because the status quo keeps your PTSD reservoir topped up.

Hopefully, acknowledging that you have that WMD in storage will give your confidence a boost. So, if I'm right - or close to it - will understanding your urge(s) to flee.

As stated, you've been raised in and environment of rejection, hurt and betrayal,, with little or no respite until you left home and your returning home maintains the cycle of approval seeking and rejection. That's your 'normal'.

Suddenly, you're living with somebody who's offering you genuine affection but you've no experience of it. Some part of your brain is telling you "Where's the hurt? Where's the rejection? You KNOW it's coming! I don't trust this." So, I think you're indulging in pre-emptive strikes akin to emotional self-harming.

MANY self-harmers describe their cutting (etc) as "Pain I choose for myself." They can't control their emotional pain, so they inflict a hurt they can comprehend. Afterwards, they feel better,,, exactly like an addict's fix.

I think that's similar to what you're doing. Your family push your buttons, you get emotional but the big hurt from hubby (to complete your learned cycle) isn't forthcoming so you create it for yourself. Having packed your bags and fled - emotionally if not actually - you've completed the cycle and fixed yourself. Once calmer, you can handle the genuinely nice (but still a bit strange for you) environment with hubby.

The better you can understand your (dis)comfort zone the more empowered you'll be to take it apart, piece by piece.

Hope that helps some. If you think it's nonsense, well, it's only the internet. There's a lot of it about. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is always a third option. You could explain your need to get away and start anew to your husband. You could leave everyone (including him) and figure out whatever you need to figure out. After you've gotten yourself all sorted out, if you decide that you and your husband need to be divorced (because the marriage has failed) then do so. If, however, you decide that your family is poison but your husband is actually a pretty decent human being, you haven't screwed up something really great to escape something else that was bad.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You said it in your first post... Your choices are to leave your family forever or put up with their abusive ways. If you stay close to them, you'll also likely forsake your marriage. 

Given all that, the problem isn't your family. The problem is within you. And why you can't or won't protect yourself from them. Nobody else can do it for you. Like an abused wife who keeps going back to her abusive husband, it's never going to get better until she breaks off the self-destructing cycle. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

I just want to thank every single person who has commented. Your kindness literally brings me to tears.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

TheHappyGuy said:


> I'm sorry to hear what you are going through. Maybe it's time to change your therapist you mentioned earlier. If he/she didn't pick up on these triggers he/she may not be able to help you and you're wasting your money.
> 
> My wife has constant issues with her family based on her history (abuse (not from her parents), neglect, etc). She stands up to herself and tells her parents what she thinks and doesn't accept any BS. Many times she's walked out on them but they always reconcile.
> 
> Losing the relationship with your parents doesn't necessarily mean losing all contact to your relatives. You might be able to maintain or even deepen individual relationships outside family gatherings if you treasure them and they are based on honest and mutual respect.


Thank you! 

I dont see my therapist anymore. I saw her long enough to find out what was going on with me. I have trust issues.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Your parents are very unlikely to acknowledge any abuse that they have engaged in. Most abusive people never do.


Then aren't I wasting my time? 



EleGirl said:


> Your therapist should be working with you to find ways for you to handle this. There are ways for you to put this to rest. Talk to the therapist about how to handle the fact that your parents will not acknowledge it and will never give you the apology you want.


I dont see my therapist anymore. I have trust issues. It was hard for me to see her to begin with. I have been making a lot of progress on my own though. 



EleGirl said:


> From this it's clear that you standing up to your father worked for 1 1/2 years. That's actually a huge success. Instead of giving up when he started it again, you should have once again stood up to him.


I don't quite see it as a success. It's not as if his opinon of me changed as much as he kept quiet about it for 1 1/2 years. 




EleGirl said:


> This reminds me of training my dogs. If I slack off on training, they regress and go back to behaving as they want to instead of how I want them to behave (like jumping up on people in excitement when people come over). Take a hint from dog training. You need to repeat the lesson often and consistently.


:lol: nice analogy there! The truth is if that's how my relationship would have to be with my father for the rest of my life, that I would be stuck constantly needing to correct him then I really don't want it at all. 



EleGirl said:


> You said above that when you stood up to your dad it worked for a long time. So why are you giving up?
> 
> Family members get comfortable with their position and roles in the family. Even if the role is a very destructive one. You are the family kicking bag or scape goat. And it seems that while you do not like it, you are also too used to playing that role to truly stand up to your parents and siblings. From what you have said, you enable it.


Why am I giving up? I feel very conflicted most of the time. On one had I have this fantasy that my family and I can be this close family and they'll never purposely hurt me again. And every time I see them again I'm fighting for this fantasy (that really only I am fighting for). 

On the other hand since I've been diagnosed I've made such an improvement. I didn't understand why I kept making close friends and then dropping them. Now that I understand my condition I want to give that a try again. There's other things I would like to do with my life. Basically I've been putting my life on hold to fix my family. And there's this part of me that's ready to let go and just leave. I just want to find my happiness. So when I see it happening again to me it's just a reminder that I need to go. Does that make sense? I know I could correct my father but just because he remains quiet about it doesn't mean he's changed. And so hearing him be emotionally abusive to me reminds me of this other life I feel I'm waiting to live.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

AllDriedUp said:


> I guess it's hard for me to accept giving up my parents and siblings because I love them so much. I wish I could keep them in my life AND be healthy. I keep feeling like there is someway around it that I'm just not seeing yet.
> 
> And I have a lot of cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. If I give up my parents and siblings that means giving up seeing the rest of my family at family get together's. I'm not saying I don't want to be healthy. It just seems like there's a way of having both that I'm just not seeing yet.


Why do you love your parents and siblings? It seems that they hurt you every time you see them. They are NOT normal.

As for the rest of your family, do they know what kind of treatment you get from your parents?

I think you need to separate from your immediate family.

If you visit any of your cousins, uncles, etc., wait for the first attack and then simply and quietly gather up your things and leave. The point of waiting for the attack is to allow the rest of your family to see first hand what is going on. I'm sure you can get your husband to cooperate with you.

The alternative is to uproot your husband and leave town. That will leave you in a strange town filled with strange people. I don't think you really want to do that.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

AllDriedUp said:


> It's not that I want to take it. I'm known within the family for bringing everyone together. If there is an issue it will go unresolved until I bring everyone together and help coach everyone to being on good terms again. I don't do the work but I jump in if it gets out of control. I say this to say that I'm very familiar with handling conflict.
> 
> In 20 + years of telling my dad he's wrong I want him to stop the only time it looked like he got it and was actually going to stop was a few years ago. He tried to make my (what he believes to be) "faults" a joke at a family get together and he wasn't expecting me to say anything. When I did, it embarrassed him and he stopped being emotionally abusive towards me after that for about 1 1/2 years. I was elated. I thought he got it. I thought our relationship could finally move on to healing and becoming closer. Nope. Like I said after a year and a half he went out of his way to talk **** about me in front of my husband.
> 
> ...


 Ever hear that saying, "You can't make a silk purse from a sows ear"?

That's what you got with your family. This is who they are and have always been and no amount of pleading or niceties is going to change what has been there since your birth. 

Now you do realize that they are your problem and the only way you deal with it is by eliminating the problem. Avoid them, walk away from them, Nothing worth while comes easy and it has to be hard to walk away from family but what are you walking away from?

IMO, this isn't family. Family doesn't treat one of their own like that and because they got you so frazzled, you consider leaving the one who has your back. Your husband. 

He doesn't deserve that and you need him. You have someone in your corner and right now two is better than one.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

New day, new plan! We have decided to move in January to a state that's a 24 hour drive away. I want to try having a normal life and can't do that with my family constantly around. Also it will allow us to keep our distance from them without completely cutting them out of my life. I will see if that will work for me without triggering me. I wont know until I try. 

Sigh. Now I just have to hope for the best. Hope that my husband gets this transfer in time for the move (so we can move) and hoping I don't get triggered at all.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Do you know what my youngest sister text'd me today? 

"I told ***^@* (our cousin) what *@^**^ (the other sister) did. And she understands now why you refuse to see her. Part of the reason I'm telling everyone is so they understand why you hate her and stop thinking you are being crazy." 

I'll explain so this makes sense. 

So this doesn't get confusing lets call "the other sister" Sister B since she is the 2nd oldest girl of all my siblings and the youngest sister Sister C since she would be the 3rd oldest sister. Sister C is the one who text'd me. What Sister C is referring to "what she did" is that Sister B molested Sister C. ...
(I wish I was making this **** up). So she's saying she's telling a group of family members what Sister B did to her... partly because of me. 

Who is the group? I have a large family BUT My parents, my siblings and my mother's 2 sisters AND their 2 daughters all get together once a month and have a family dinner. Also there are several little ones but that's neither here nor there. 

Sister C knows I support whatever aids in her healing. 

What I had not realized (suspected but not confirmed) was that my family thinks I'm being crazy. This is driving me crazy! I'm trying my best to maintain my health but they are making this hard for me.

I have explained to everyone in the group that I will not maintain a relationship with Sister B and that she has been very hurtful to me and I have been happier without her. Everyone's pissed off (except my mother because she knows to some extent some of the **** Sister B has put me through) because I have messed up the family dinner's by refusing to go if Sister B is present. I have explained that I don't have a problem with her going instead of me (to get out of going all together, because they drive me crazy) but they are still upset. And now I'm the crazy one? 

To make matters worse my mother has taken up trying to get Sister B and I to make up. It's to the point I'm afraid of going to her house because Sister B might accidentally be there. Sigh.

Problem is until I leave town I have to maintain normalcy with them (no cutting them off) or they will raise problems for me. 

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place with no way out.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

PBear said:


> You said it in your first post... Your choices are to leave your family forever or put up with their abusive ways. If you stay close to them, you'll also likely forsake your marriage.
> 
> Given all that, the problem isn't your family. The problem is within you. And why you can't or won't protect yourself from them. Nobody else can do it for you. Like an abused wife who keeps going back to her abusive husband, it's never going to get better until she breaks off the self-destructing cycle.
> 
> ...


Do you honestly feel this is fair judgement? An abused wife has the choice to stay or leave her husband and find another. My choice? I can stay or leave them forever and be without a family.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

If this family is turning you into a neurotic mess, then yes, cut the cancerous part out.

They are toxic, yet your refuse to let go.

Why?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> Do you know what my youngest sister text'd me today?
> 
> "I told ***^@* (our cousin) what *@^**^ (the other sister) did. And she understands now why you refuse to see her. Part of the reason I'm telling everyone is so they understand why you hate her and stop thinking you are being crazy."
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> AllDriedUp - I've lurked here for some time but never felt a need to register before since members here are full of sound advice and there's nothing I could add,, until now. I think I can connect the dots to explain your urges to up and run. Hang in there,, I can't do quotes on this old phone/browser and my paragraphs may bunch up into one big one. So, here goes.
> 
> Like an abused spouse you're stuck in a toxic rut with your parents. While it'd be great if you could cut contact with them I think the jolt would be too much for you right now so sticking with the devils you know and working from within will be a wiser option. All you need is a plan.
> 
> ...


This was a lot for me to think about but I'm very happy you commented. Thank you. 

As far as the plan with my dad I think it's a great plan and 1 that would work (especially since my dad is obsessed with having/maintaining control) if not for 1 thing. (the short version) I fled the family home at 14 and a cop found me several months later (I wasn't making trouble and I don't have a record, if anyone was wondering) I told him the truth so he wouldn't take me home, that I was abused physically. The problem was I had no marks to show for it being that it was several months after I had left. I was put into foster care while the state did an investigation into my family to which they came up with nothing. With my dad having that paper work that he didn't abuse me and with me not currently having proof of abuse I don't think he'd take my threat seriously. 

You touched on a lot of things for me I hadn't thought about like me "getting my fix" before being able to handle my husband's niceness. I think that is a cycle that has played out for most of our relationship. I fight myself in looking for reasons to leave him, sometimes daily. I guess I know why now. 

The cutting thing. Your brain can only process 1 pain at a time emotional or physical. When I was in a lot of emotional pain I would cut and because the brain registers physical pain as more immediate of a problem it focuses on that and your emotional pain goes away. That feels like a release, it's like a high so strong you don't feel the cut and so you actually end up not feeling any pain at all. It's something I did during my teen years. I'm also a survivor of several suicide attempts.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> Problem is until I leave town I have to maintain normalcy with them (no cutting them off) or they will raise problems for me.


Raise WHAT problems for you - beyond the gossiping, plotting and persuing their own agendas that they're doing anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Many people end up having to cut family out of their lives for their own sanity. Your family isn't going to magically wake up one day and everything will be great. That's not realistic. 

What is much more likely is that things will remain the same as they've always been and your place in the family will continue as it's been. You can't change them but you can change what you are willing to tolerate. Give them an ultimatum ("either you treat me the way I want to be treated or I'm gone") and back it up with actions. 

And, if you haven't, read "Toxic Parents".


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

AllDriedUp:

I've been on this forum for a while ... and had an emotionally-abusive father while I was growing up. I can empathize with what you're going through. If the following seems long, I do apologize. And if I seem blunt, it's because I am at times. Junk like what you're going through makes me MAD. Not at you, but FOR you.

Please understand: NO one here wants to hurt you. But we certainly don't want to see you living life scared and cowering in a corner (as it were).



AllDriedUp said:


> What I had not realized (suspected but not confirmed) was that my family thinks I'm being crazy. This is driving me crazy! I'm trying my best to maintain my health but they are making this hard for me.


So? Who cares what your family thinks or does? They've used you as a punching bag all your life — *and you do not, and never did, deserve it.* Stay away from them for now, and focus on yourself and your husband (and the relationship the two of you have).



AllDriedUp said:


> I have explained to everyone in the group that I will not maintain a relationship with Sister B and that she has been very hurtful to me and I have been happier without her.


Good for you! You are taking control, and you have EVERY right to avoid this sister. Do NOT make excuses for how you feel; you have every right to your feelings and emotions, considering what you went through. As I learned in therapy myself: Sorry is a dirty word when it comes to feelings.



AllDriedUp said:


> *Everyone's pissed off (except my mother because she knows to some extent some of the **** Sister B has put me through) because I have messed up the family dinner's by refusing to go if Sister B is present.* I have explained that I don't have a problem with her going instead of me (to get out of going all together, because they drive me crazy) but they are still upset. And now I'm the crazy one?


You want to know what the real reason is that your family's throwing hurtful terms like "crazy" at you? You're standing up to them, and not taking bull---- anymore. "WHAT?!? How DARE our punching bag call us out on our abuse and crappy treatment of her?!?!? She can't do that to us!" They are unable to see that their treatment of you was wrong and hurtful. And I hate to say this ... but they never will unless they get some serious help themselves.

You are not crazy. I read your story through this thread, and it moved me to tears more than once. I've been there emotionally ... and I cannot imagine throwing sexual and physical abuse into such a mix. You came out alive, with a loving, caring husband who is behind you 100-percent. Kudos to you!



AllDriedUp said:


> To make matters worse my mother has taken up trying to get Sister B and I to make up. It's to the point I'm afraid of going to her house because Sister B might accidentally be there.


Ignore your mother's attempts. Your mother deserves nothing from you, and you owe her nothing. Besides, YOU are an adult, a married woman. YOU control you and your own life. And considering what this sister did to you, you have every right to avoid contact with her.



AllDriedUp said:


> Problem is *until I leave town I have to maintain normalcy with them (no cutting them off) or they will raise problems for me.*


Can you elaborate a little on the bolded part? WHAT can they possibly do to you that they haven't done already? What is the worst they can do if you cut them out of your life?

It's human nature to want to be part of a strong, happy family and group. Unfortunately, you don't have a normal family, and never will. YOU need to take control here, and run your OWN life. Worrying about what your family thinks or does should be your last priority. Your first one is (and should be) your relationship with your husband.

It took me two decades to learn that I was a person with legitimate needs and feelings. The first time I cut off MY father, I was so scared I literally vomited. My mother did the same thing to me yours is trying to do to you: got angry, called me ungrateful (and a LOT of other names), tried to get us to make up. I was literally shaking when I told her a) *I* choose who is in my life and who is not, b) I will not, ever, put up with Dad's emotional abuse again, and c) if he wanted to see me, he needed to learn to control himself (and get help to do that, if necessary). He's slipped a few times since, but he's learned VERY quickly I will no longer put up with his junk. As EleGirl said, it takes consistency to make them learn.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Revamped said:


> If this family is turning you into a neurotic mess, then yes, cut the cancerous part out.
> 
> They are toxic, yet your refuse to let go.
> 
> Why?


I'm trying to give them up by moving to another city. Until then I have to maintain normalcy. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> Raise WHAT problems for you - beyond the gossiping, plotting and persuing their own agendas that they're doing anyway?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow. Good point. Well the other problems outside of the ones you brought up would be 

1) I got into an argument with my parents over the summer. It ended in me not talking to them for several months until my mother showed up at my front door. I don't need her bringing that drama to my place of peace. 
Funny thing is that during this break from my family my husband took a couple weeks off work and those 2 weeks free from both of my triggers while on our little stay-cation, it was the happiest I've been since I've found out I have PTSD. 

2) My mother and husband work for the same company, in the same building. I live in a small-ish town and they both work for the biggest company in town. I'm worried she'll cause problems for him at work and even if she didn't by cutting her off and still living in the same town I would be bringing my husband into it. Over the summer when i quietly broke contact with them my mom went to my husband at work to try to quietly find out what was going on. Do you see my dilemma now? I'm indirectly bringing my husband into it by staying in our home town and not keeping contact with them.


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## sunvalley (Dec 4, 2011)

AllDriedUp said:


> I fled the family home at 14 and a cop found me several months later (I wasn't making trouble and I don't have a record, if anyone was wondering) I told him the truth so he wouldn't take me home, that I was abused physically. The problem was I had no marks to show for it being that it was several months after I had left.


Given what you went through, I'm not surprised you ran away. And abusers are calculating like that — I had an abusive boyfriend in times past, and he ALWAYS hit me in places clothes would cover (back, upper arms, etc.). I'm amazed at your strength ... and I'm serious.



AllDriedUp said:


> ... like me "getting my fix" before being able to handle my husband's niceness. I think that is a cycle that has played out for most of our relationship. *I fight myself in looking for reasons to leave him, sometimes daily. I guess I know why now.*


Your internal fight is normal for abuse victims. One finds oneself looking for reasons to leave because the brain's been trained to anticipate hurt and harm — ESPECIALLY after a period of "nicey-nice," which is how the abuse cycle goes. 

It takes a LONG while to retrain the brain to think otherwise ... and many never completely get over it. But, they learn to work around it and with it, as you're doing. Another kudos to you!



AllDriedUp said:


> The cutting thing. Your brain can only process 1 pain at a time emotional or physical. When I was in a lot of emotional pain I would cut and because the brain registers physical pain as more immediate of a problem it focuses on that and your emotional pain goes away. That feels like a release, it's like a high so strong you don't feel the cut and so you actually end up not feeling any pain at all. It's something I did during my teen years. I'm also a survivor of several suicide attempts.


I don't blame you for your suicide attempts or cutting. In fact, it makes me ANGRY that your family — the one group that is supposed to love and care for you, and back you up — drove you to that.

But you are in a better place now. You have a husband who is behind you 100-percent, and you don't have to put up with them anymore. You are a survivor, and a tough person. Remember that the next time they threaten you with whatever.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> 2) My mother and husband work for the same company, in the same building. I live in a small-ish town and they both work for the biggest company in town. I'm worried she'll cause problems for him at work and even if she didn't by cutting her off and still living in the same town I would be bringing my husband into it. Over the summer when i quietly broke contact with them my mom went to my husband at work to try to quietly find out what was going on. Do you see my dilemma now? I'm indirectly bringing my husband into it by staying in our home town and not keeping contact with them.


No, YOU aren't creating drama, your mother is. Don't allow her to make you feel that way. What did your husband say at the time? Allow him to make his own decisions regarding his job and your family.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Right. So if you don't go to the drama, the drama comes to you. It figures.

I was wondering if the spectre of small town living was gonna rear its ugly little head. It has.

Your mom did exactly what I'd expect her to do,,, use your hubby as a bridge between you and the warring parties. I think she'd only threaten his employment as a last resort, since it's a major tie to the town and you'd be more inclined to leave if she got him fired.

This is NOT a criticism, but you realise how you've already figured out all the reasons to stay? It's all in keeping with your (dis-) comfort zone I described in my first post.

I missed your reply to that earlier while I was writing the small one beneath it.

So, you are a former 'cutter' and have already been 'rejected' by the authorities?

You can see then, I hope, the relationship between the physical act to the 'cuts' you make as a result of hubby's baffling (to you) love and affection.


And, the former rejection will make you disinclined to try that avenue again. Can't say I blame you since, other than some adult assertiveness, you've nothing new to bring to the table.

Also, I get no huge desire for revenge from you. More, just to understand and cope better,, though you've done pretty well on your own.

As somebody (sorry, cràp browser, no tabs) above pointed out, you've drawn a line and not backed down from ostracising sister B. That's a bold step towards making a break from the rest of them, if and when you want or are ready to.

I certainly understand why you haven't/can't fight them all at once,, and a part of your dilemma is that I'm not sure you really want to. More like, you want to keep the ties on your own terms instead of by confusing, psychological needs. Essentially, by removing the 'toxic' from the 'toxic relationship', which is achieved by understanding it and then working towards whatever goals you set for yourself. To feel at ease within and without that damaged family unit.

You may decide, at a later date, to cut all ties but, I think (could be wrong) you want to make that decision (or not) based on 'sound, rational thinking', not from the skewed perspective of your current angst.

So, it seems to me you're not really asking us to give you a kick up the a$$ to leave but to better understand yourself, your relationship(s) with those around you, to 'empower' you to make that decision yourself.

It looks to me like your achieving that. The mere act of discovering that there are people out there in the vast nebula of cyberspace who (part) understand you, and care, has to make you feel less isolated. And, if it triggers you, you can 'cut' us with a few days of not visiting the site - no harm done.

I think your coming here has helped you make progress and given you some insight(s) and confidence to make further progress. So, really nothing more I can add at this juncture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> AllDriedUp:
> 
> I've been on this forum for a while ... and had an emotionally-abusive father while I was growing up. I can empathize with what you're going through. If the following seems long, I do apologize. And if I seem blunt, it's because I am at times. Junk like what you're going through makes me MAD. Not at you, but FOR you.
> 
> ...


Thank you! I am trying to do just that. It is hard to not regress. I've spent a lifetime of forgiving them and going back and I'm trying to stop that now and live my life for me and what makes me happy. 



sunvalley said:


> Good for you! You are taking control, and you have EVERY right to avoid this sister. Do NOT make excuses for how you feel; you have every right to your feelings and emotions, considering what you went through. As I learned in therapy myself: Sorry is a dirty word when it comes to feelings.
> 
> 
> 
> You want to know what the real reason is that your family's throwing hurtful terms like "crazy" at you? You're standing up to them, and not taking bull---- anymore. "WHAT?!? How DARE our punching bag call us out on our abuse and crappy treatment of her?!?!? She can't do that to us!" They are unable to see that their treatment of you was wrong and hurtful. And I hate to say this ... but they never will unless they get some serious help themselves.


This! It took a long time to realize this and come to this point. I'd have to agree. My parents have a lot of mental issues like I said my mother is a psychopath plus a few other issues. And because I don't think they need to change I don't think their treatment of me (or the rest of their kids) will change. 



sunvalley said:


> You are not crazy. I read your story through this thread, and it moved me to tears more than once. I've been there emotionally ... and I cannot imagine throwing sexual and physical abuse into such a mix. You came out alive, with a loving, caring husband who is behind you 100-percent. Kudos to you!


Thank you! I will try to repeat this to myself when things get hard (I wrote it on a index card and put it on my wall). And he is truly my rock in my hardest times. I'm very lucky to have him. 



sunvalley said:


> Ignore your mother's attempts. Your mother deserves nothing from you, and you owe her nothing. Besides, YOU are an adult, a married woman. YOU control you and your own life. And considering what this sister did to you, you have every right to avoid contact with her.


That's just the thing. I have a hard time telling her no. I stayed strong through the summer but when she showed up at my door wondering why I hadn't been in contact... I always give her what she wants even if it's completely opposite of what I want. I've tried to stop doing this for years to no avail. I just know I have to get out of town or I'm going to keep the same cycle going. 



sunvalley said:


> Can you elaborate a little on the bolded part? WHAT can they possibly do to you that they haven't done already? What is the worst they can do if you cut them out of your life?


I got into an argument with my parents over the summer and quietly stopped talking to them. I didn't say anything to them I just stopped coming over and stopped calling and anytime they called I didn't answer. So my mom showed up at my door several months later and chewed me out. 

Before that she went to my husband (several times) at his job (they work for the same company, in the same building.) and cordially asked where we had been. My mother grew up the spoiled youngest of all her siblings and she can get very very manipulative and nasty when she doesn't get her way. I was very worried she might make trouble for him at work. I'm thankful nothing dramatic or out of control happened but by not keeping in contact I'm indirectly bringing my husband into it. Which I'm trying not to do. 



sunvalley said:


> It's human nature to want to be part of a strong, happy family and group. Unfortunately, you don't have a normal family, and never will. YOU need to take control here, and run your OWN life. Worrying about what your family thinks or does should be your last priority. Your first one is (and should be) your relationship with your husband.
> 
> It took me two decades to learn that I was a person with legitimate needs and feelings. The first time I cut off MY father, I was so scared I literally vomited. My mother did the same thing to me yours is trying to do to you: got angry, called me ungrateful (and a LOT of other names), tried to get us to make up. I was literally shaking when I told her a) *I* choose who is in my life and who is not, b) I will not, ever, put up with Dad's emotional abuse again, and c) if he wanted to see me, he needed to learn to control himself (and get help to do that, if necessary). He's slipped a few times since, but he's learned VERY quickly I will no longer put up with his junk. As EleGirl said, it takes consistency to make them learn.


I know exactly how that feels cutting your family off. It's horrible. I wish my dad would do that but like you said unless he gets help he's not going to change and my dad... he just thinks he has life figured out and knows everything about everything and no one can tell him different. 

That's my weakness, wanting to be apart of a strong happy family. And every time I'm ready to forgive I have this fantasy of coming back to this cohesive family unit that is happier then ever. I'm trying not to do this now. I'm trying to stay on my path and move away so I can have some normalcy and I can get to a place of happiness and peace.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

sunvalley said:


> And abusers are calculating like that — I had an abusive boyfriend in times past, and he ALWAYS hit me in places clothes would cover (back, upper arms, etc.


You know what's crazy is my dad did the same thing. He'd tell me to "assume the position" and I was expected to stay perfectly still while he beat me so that he could get me somewhere where no one could see. He always aimed for my lower back, butt, and upper hamstrings. And If I moved and messed him up then it was my fault and he would beat me more. I was only a child.



sunvalley said:


> Given what you went through, I'm not surprised you ran away. And abusers are calculating like that — I had an abusive boyfriend in times past, and he ALWAYS hit me in places clothes would cover (back, upper arms, etc.). I'm amazed at your strength ... and I'm serious.
> 
> Your internal fight is normal for abuse victims. One finds oneself looking for reasons to leave because the brain's been trained to anticipate hurt and harm — ESPECIALLY after a period of "nicey-nice," which is how the abuse cycle goes.
> 
> ...


This brought tears to my eyes! Thank you for bringing up the positive and for helping me to see it. I know most times I don't feel strong.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Revamped said:


> No, YOU aren't creating drama, your mother is. Don't allow her to make you feel that way. What did your husband say at the time? Allow him to make his own decisions regarding his job and your family.


Thank you! He was very vague and would say that we had been very busy. He never complained but bringing him into it would only cause more problems for us and was stressful too.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your mother is probably not going to make trouble for your husband at work. She's likely much too concerned about her image for that. 

Prepare yourself ahead of time as to the proper way to respond to them so you aren't caught off-guard by what they do or say. Practice in front of the mirror staying cool and calm. They know they can manipulate you. Prove them wrong.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Right. So if you don't go to the drama, the drama comes to you. It figures.
> 
> I was wondering if the spectre of small town living was gonna rear its ugly little head. It has.
> 
> ...


Not necessarily. I'm trying to plan for my departure while causing the least amount of issues for myself until I can leave. Fortunately for me they don't do family dinners during the holidays. I've already been talked into a family dinner in January. Until then I'm going to try to maintain as little contact as possible then when the family dinner comes up in January I can let them know I'm leaving and go. That's my plan. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> I missed your reply to that earlier while I was writing the small one beneath it.
> 
> So, you are a former 'cutter' and have already been 'rejected' by the authorities?
> 
> You can see then, I hope, the relationship between the physical act to the 'cuts' you make as a result of hubby's baffling (to you) love and affection.


Yes. The way you explained it made perfect sense to me and was something I had not realized before you brought it up. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> And, the former rejection will make you disinclined to try that avenue again. Can't say I blame you since, other than some adult assertiveness, you've nothing new to bring to the table.
> 
> Also, I get no huge desire for revenge from you. More, just to understand and cope better,, though you've done pretty well on your own.
> 
> ...


Since I ran away at 14 I have had an on again off again relationship with my family. It's brought me nothing but heart ache and an understanding that they'll never change. If I stay in this city I'm pretty sure I'll just get sucked back into being around them again. Last year when I was triggered really badly and I was going to leave everything behind I had nothing but a bag with a few things of mine, a few dollars in my pocket and a ticket to a city with much worse crime rate and no idea where I'd get shelter food or how I would take care of myself. My husband doesn't make enough to support 2 households. At least not from those 2 cities. When I look back on that it quite honestly scares me. I'm trying to make a break for it (so to speak) before they trigger me again and I get another urge to leave. 



Flying_Dutchman said:


> So, it seems to me you're not really asking us to give you a kick up the a$$ to leave but to better understand yourself, your relationship(s) with those around you, to 'empower' you to make that decision yourself.


I've come back for the support. Honestly if it wasn't for you guys I might be right back to forgiving them right now. What my family is doing by not supporting my happiness in cutting Sister B off is eating me up inside. They feel that family is family and you should always forgive so they don't understand why I'm doing what I'm doing and it's making me feel like a bad family member. To come back here and hear you guys say again no it's not normal, no one should have to put up with this etc has really helped me. I'm trying to stick with my plan of leaving in January.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Ahh. Well confirmation that you're doing the right thing, for good reasons, is easy. You are.

When you're gone, you know those tentacles will be reaching out (calls, e-mails) guilt-tripping you and otherwise attempting to ensure you 'stay in your place' in the hierarchy.

While that'll affect you, I'm confident you'll cope with it. You've a better understanding of the 'big picture' than it initially appeared,,, and your plan is well-reasoned.

You're too smart to be buying in to their crap - but nobody can ever totally escape the reinforced traumas of a lifetime.

I hope it all works out for you and hubby. No reason to think it won't if you can swim around their trawl net for a month or two.

Take care. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

This is getting worse and I don't know what to do. I am still stuck in this city until June and my dad is getting worse! 

It is not unusual for my dad to verbally attack me but he has been doing it more often lately and with more aggression to the point my husband said he doesn't want me around my dad if he's not there too. 

I have to maintain normalcy (contact) until I can get out but I don't know what to do as every time I am with my dad now he triggers me again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> This is getting worse and I don't know what to do. I am still stuck in this city until June and my dad is getting worse!
> 
> It is not unusual for my dad to verbally attack me but he has been doing it more often lately and with more aggression to the point my husband said he doesn't want me around my dad if he's not there too.
> 
> I have to maintain normalcy (contact) until I can get out but I don't know what to do as every time I am with my dad now he triggers me again.


I haven't read through the entire thread yet...

Do you live with or near your parents? If not, why do you continue to have regular contact w/ them? If you live _with_ them, then definitely move ASAP, but WITH your husband. If you simply live _near_ them, do what you can to limit contact w/ them. I'd even go as far as changing your phone numbers and not giving the new numbers to them.


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## AllDriedUp (Oct 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> I haven't read through the entire thread yet...
> 
> Do you live with or near your parents? If not, why do you continue to have regular contact w/ them? If you live _with_ them, then definitely move ASAP, but WITH your husband. If you simply live _near_ them, do what you can to limit contact w/ them. I'd even go as far as changing your phone numbers and not giving the new numbers to them.



I live with my husband and in order to cut contact with them now I'd have to move into a new home, change my numbers, and my husband would have to leave his job (since he and my mother work for the same company). On top of that I have a lot of family and it is hard to go anywhere in this city without running into someone I know. If I cut contact now and ran into any of them they would be sure to let my parents know. I can't cut contact until I move out of the city or they will make this even harder then they are making it already.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

I strongly urge you and your husband to google "Toxic parents pdf" and read the book now. It's a great book that's available online for free, and it has helped me a lot to deal with my toxic relatives.

I also strongly urge you to cut contact NOW! Even though you're still in the same city, you can still tell them to stop contacting you unless they get in therapy etc. I don't understand why you are still in contact with them and suffering? 

I agree with your husband, you shouldn't be around your family at the moment, not until they change, and they won't change as long as you keep in contact with them and suffer their toxic abuse.

I know it's hard, I really do. But for the sake of your emotional and physical health and for the sake of your relationship with your husband, please, go NO CONTACT with your family. If they continue to contact you even afterwards, document and get a legal order for them to stop contacting you..

Best wishes


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

AllDriedUp said:


> I live with my husband and in order to cut contact with them now I'd have to move into a new home, change my numbers, and my husband would have to leave his job (since he and my mother work for the same company).


I don't understand.... you don't live w/ them, but, because your husband and your mother work together, you'd have to move, change numbers, etc in order to cut contact w/ them...? Why?

Change your numbers and don't give them to any of them. If your mother gets your husband's cell number from work, so what? He can block her calls. If you have a home line, either disconnect it or turn the ringer off.

If any of them come to your house, don't let them in and tell them to leave. If they refuse, call the police.



AllDriedUp said:


> On top of that I have a lot of family and it is hard to go anywhere in this city without running into someone I know. If I cut contact now and ran into any of them they would be sure to let my parents know.


So what if they do?



AllDriedUp said:


> I can't cut contact until I move out of the city or they will make this even harder then they are making it already.


It won't matter if you ignore them.


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