# My wife's "secret" life ?



## VERY TROUBLED (May 7, 2012)

I have been married for ten years to someone with constant and unpredictable mood changes. She is a total delight when in a "good space" - and I could ask for nothing more. When the pendulum swings the other way she can be verbally abusive and disrespectful. At times it could be said that she suffers from anger addiction.

A few days ago, she tried to pick an argument over something very trivial and to which I did not respond. I have learned never to do that. In early afternoon, she dressed as if to go on a date, and when asked politely where she was going, she replied: "I'll go wherever I please".

At about midnight I received a call from a friend who told me that he had noticed my wife drinking in a lounge with a man and was highly intoxicated. My friend noticed her staggering on the way to the rest-room and was very concerned that she could cause a fatal accident when driving. Fortunately, she had not taken the car - possibly having been picked up by her "date".

She finally arrived home at 1.30, too drunk to climb the stairs and slept on the couch. The next morning I told her that I had been called after being seen and she demanded to know "who had been spying on her." She refused to tell me who she had been with, saying that it was not my business.

I have not since mentioned the matter as it would achieve nothing other than an anger tantrum. The matter has been dropped completely, other than a couple of days ago - out of a clear blue sky and for no reason at all (other than to hurt me, probably) - she said: "the other night when I went out 'I HAD THE BEST TIME I ever HAD IN THE PAST TEN YEARS" - (that being the length of our marriage.)

I believe that I have an absolute right to know who she was with in order to caution him against interfering with my marriage. If my wife refuses to tell me, it could mean that she might very well intend to see the same person if and when it suits her - (assuming that they do not now have an ongoing involvement) - or that she wants to protect him although wlling to shame me openly. 

If she respects this individual more than she does her husband, can the marriage possibly survive? I may seem a wimp and likely am, but I love my wife and have never mentioned certain (in the past, I believe) of her "misbehaviors". What can I or should I do about this matter? What are my options? 

All comments appreciated.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds like she has BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. If that is the case, you are in for a lifetime of hurt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

If you think "she" gets angry, wait until you find out she's been doing this sort of thing for decades. THEN you will see anger merely by looking in the mirror. I'd be all about finding out just what she is doing behind your back and give not one iota of concern for her anger. She's a very controlling person and has you dancing on a string.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

An observation:

Your married , your wife and you are a couple. So why is she going to a bar/lounge without you?Do you do the same ? If so stop worrying what she is doing. We all know that men go to such places to hit on woman, woman go knowing they are going to be hit on men . Her wearing a ring makes it more exciting. Read the posts and see how many marriages are destroyed because one or both spouse go out and behave like singletons.

Change your married life style and go out as a couple.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I would end the 10 year marriage and find a woman who respects you.

She sounds a lot like my ex who is bipolar, especially with the verbal abuse.

If you have children, take them with you. They do not need to grow up being abused by their parent. I took my daughter out of that situation and visitation was very limited. He tore her apart emotionally anyways and shut her out for good a few years ago.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Not sure how anyone can imply a medical condition based on one post . At this stage it is matter of marriage boundaries , there is no mention if the spouse thinks his wife is cheating. There are red flags that say something is wrong. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

She's dating and throwing it in your face; and you get that because you are posting in the coping with infidelity section. Your move.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Indeed , either say you suspect your wife is having an affair or admit you guys are not working on satisfying each others needs. I for one think if she is not in an affair already she will be soon.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Posse (Jan 30, 2012)

She is married to you. What she does and who she does it with is VERY MUCH your business.

If she wants to carry on in without regard to anyone else, she can do that. It is a free country and Lincoln freed the slaves a long time ago.

It doesn't mean you can or should tolerate it. That is what you call a boundary

You need to have boundaries. It sounds like you don't have any in place right now. By posting what you have here, you clearly know that her behavior is not normal and is unacceptable to you. Have you told her that?

If she wants to live as a single person, she needs to be a single person. That is achieved by you divorcing her ass because she won't recognize your boundaries, once you set them.

Absent boundaries established of what you will and won't accept, she sounds like she is going to push things to see what she can and can't get away with.

It sounds like she either has some serious personality disorder traits, a personality disorder, or just has zero respect for you and wants to hurt you.

Regardless of the reason, you need to deal with the behavior she is presenting, which is totally unacceptable. Focus on her behavior, not her mental illness (if she has any) You can sit around and try to figure out a label to hang on her, but that won't stop the problem of her inappropriate behavior.

You can't establish and maintain your boundaries of what behavior you will and won't accept if you are more afraid of her anger than righteously angry at the totally inappropriate behavior she is displaying.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

the end is near or at least it should be!

start respecting yourself and get out.In you post I see nothing resembling a health marriage. what are you getting out of this arrangemnt. are you happy walking on eggshells all the time.


if my wife did anything even close to what you describe I'd be in jail. for double homicide! just joking there But seriously grow a pair and kick her to the curb.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Go to these links. What you describe is not a marriage. If you have kids, you are her babysitter while she messes around. If you have no kids you're just a paycheck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read-3.html

No More Mr. Nice Guy


Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

and get the book


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Yeah, you're wimpy. She doesn't respect you. You think not addressing her having sex with other men, is not buying into her "tantrums". Actually its fear. She treats you like crap. Your wife is having sex with other people and you are worried about keeping the peace. Just make a choice and live with it. Being a cuckold, or manning up and dumping the skank.


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## Alyosha (Feb 27, 2012)

VERY TROUBLED said:


> I may seem a wimp and likely am, *but I love my wife* and have never mentioned certain (in the past, I believe) of her "misbehaviors". What can I or should I do about this matter? What are my options?


Do you? Is it really "love" or is it fear of being alone? Is it rather an unhealthy emotional attachment to a situation you have grown comfortable with?

Forget the ten years of sunk cost. It's gone and it's not coming back. If she behaved towards you on your second date with her the way she is now behaving towards you, would there have been a third date?

There are women out there (plenty of them) who are capable of loving and respecting you just the way you are. Really.

Does that sound good to you? (Forget the "wimp" crap and all the other stupid self-negating labels.) 

Does that sound good to you?

I will tell you a secret (and you likely won't believe it at first but read it several times and you will know that it is the truth) -- most people get exactly what they ask from life.

Your move.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Ah, the picking a fight so I can go out trick.

Sounds like she had it prearranged and was generating a reason to leave. The guy was set to pick her up and go out. I don't suspect a personality disorder, I suspect a cheating wife who has used the angry trick over and over cause it works on you.

If you can locate the panties she wore that night you can have a semen test done on them.

You can also drop a VAR on her car, keylogger on the PC. And a gps on her car that you can monitor remotely, get the record of calls from her cell.see who she was along with before the fight, just before and after she or left and while she was out, not yo mention the next day. You'll have the OM who picked her up.

If you can see her credit card statement see if she charged anything anywhere that night.

However, I think I'd pick my own fight here. I would say to her ,it is your right as a spouse to know about men she is meeting up with and drinking with. Once she doesn't agree, then this isn't a marriage of trust and truth, so you will be reacting to that. Hand her divorce papers from an attorney. Even if you do not want a divorce, you need to show her how serious you are on this. The papers might cost a coupe of bucks, but it's not the same as actually filing for divorce and it might show her you man it., 

You might be able to shock her to stop this behavior, if not you'll need to follow through, No one should ever live in a marriage where they can't trust the spouse to be fsithful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'd simply divorce my wife if she spoke to me in that way.

My wife wouldn't dream of speaking to me in that way.

Maybe there's a correlation there somewhere ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

VERY TROUBLED said:


> Fortunately, she had not taken the car - possibly having been picked up by her "date".
> 
> She finally arrived home at 1.30, too drunk to climb the stairs and slept on the couch. The next morning I told her that I had been called after being seen and she demanded to know "who had been spying on her." She refused to tell me who she had been with, saying that it was not my business.
> 
> I have not since mentioned the matter as it would achieve nothing other than an anger tantrum.


 You wife is dating another man and you sit back and let her? When you ask her about it and she refuses to answer, you do not mention the matter again to avoid her angry tantrums? Are you kidding me? She is cheating on you because she knows that you will let. Most men would divorce her on the spot for such actions, yet your wife knows that with you she has nothing to worry about. She does not respect you and with good reason. 



VERY TROUBLED said:


> I believe that I have an absolute right to know who she was with in order to caution him against interfering with my marriage.


 Wow, even if she tells you to your face who she is cheating with, your plan of action to avoid conflict with your wife is to talk to the other man and ask him to stop? Nothing is more pitiful than asking another man to stop f*cking your wife.

The issue is not with the other man (OM) it is with your wife. If not him it would be someone else. You need to either man up, move on, or shut up.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I agree with BANDIT. It sounds like your wife has borderline personality disorder. My ex wife had exactly what you talked about. Every counselor said divorce her because it really cannot be fixed. You will indeed be in a lifetime of hurt. This behavior you mentioned is typical. I strongly suggest that you see an attorney for your options.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She acts just like berilo's WW.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/29373-distressed.html

Time to stop taking her cheating and emotional abuse and kick this skank to the curb. Or you can live as a cuckold. It's your choice.

There is no fixing these people.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Dammit! You guys scared him away.

You knew he couldn't handle the truth.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

run


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

stop being a doormat and file for the D.
she is a disrespectful b!tich towards you!


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Sounds like she has BPD: Borderline Personality Disorder. If that is the case, you are in for a lifetime of hurt.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would heed this. The way you describe your wife, her volatility and her apparent cruelty with the taunting smacks of her having a personality disorder.
There is cheating and then there is cheating. My first wife did the taunting deal and that is many standard deviations from a typical cheater. My XW definitelly displays most of the criteria for NPD.


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## VERY TROUBLED (May 7, 2012)

My many thanks for your advice and comments. The incident that I spoke may have been a one time only - and perhaps I am just kidding myself. Which changes very little. At intervals she apologizes for her verbal abuse and sooner or later it starts over again. Disrespect behind closed doors is one thing - but drinking in public with some man is another matter.

What may or may not have taken place on that certain night is not the issue - its a matter of ongoing respect and fidelity. It is useless to ever attempt to discuss any differences one-o-one. What I intend to do is arrange for a stable and neutral third party to sit in on a discussion.

I need to know who her "drinking companion" was and determine what if any is his position - and to let him know that he is interfering in my life - which can have consequences. However, if he is more important to my wife than her marriage and she refuses to disclose his identity, I can only wish them both good luck. As far as I am concerned, it will be game over.

Further comments welcome !


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Check phone/text usage for unusual patterns. Check emails also. Married people do not go out drinking and partying without their spouse, not if they wnt to stay married. Your wife is looking for your replacement.

Read Married Man Sex Life now to find out what is going on in your marriage. You are evidently rhe only one that doesn't know.

Good luck


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Ceck all the numbers she calls/texts. Cheaters will put a lovers name under someone elses contact info to throw their spouse off the track. Her drinking buddy will be there somewhere. Does she ever turn loose her phone?


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

VERY TROUBLED said:


> My many thanks for your advice and comments. The incident that I spoke may have been a one time only - and perhaps I am just kidding myself. Which changes very little. At intervals she apologizes for her verbal abuse and sooner or later it starts over again. Disrespect behind closed doors is one thing - but drinking in public with some man is another matter.
> 
> What may or may not have taken place on that certain night is not the issue - its a matter of ongoing respect and fidelity. It is useless to ever attempt to discuss any differences one-o-one. What I intend to do is arrange for a stable and neutral third party to sit in on a discussion.
> 
> ...


If she pays no price for her behaviour she will continue to push the envelope. If you don't draw a line in the sand she will completely lose respect for you and leave with a man who stands up to her.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

VERY TROUBLED said:


> Disrespect behind closed doors is one thing - but drinking in public with some man is another matter.


You are incorrect, the disrespect directly leads to the cheating.

They are part and parcel of the same problem.




> However, if he is more important to my wife than her marriage and she refuses to disclose his identity, I can only wish them both good luck. As far as I am concerned, it will be game over.


Why do you need the third party?

Tell your wife her behavior is unacceptable, you demand it stop, and she gives you any and all info you want/need about the OM and her affair.

If she balks, then it`s game over.


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

your wife comes across as someone who suffers from some personality disorder. You are in it for a long time. I suggest you post in the anxiety depression section. You ll need to educate yourself thoroughly on mental health issues before you crucify yo marriage. Can you handle it? Mine has been seven years of voolence and abuse. And only just coming to an end. Thank God he is leaving coz i cant be arsed with it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Check her phone at the time of incident and charges to her cc. You can likely find out who the OM was and if she is still in contact with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

VERY TROUBLED said:


> I need to know who her "drinking companion" was and determine what if any is his position - and to let him know that he is interfering in my life - which can have consequences.


And what if you never find out who her "companion" was, does it negate the disrespect and infidelity?



> However, if he is more important to my wife than her marriage and she refuses to disclose his identity, I can only wish them both good luck. As far as I am concerned, it will be game over.


Those are brave words, is there anything behind them to back them up?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Seriously .... you see this behavior going on for years and you haven't left or thrown her out? Why? I really don't understand why you are accepting this behavior. Frankly, the reason that she doesn't have any respect for you is because you don't have any respect for yourself. If it were me, I'd throw her out or I'd walk out and made sure everyone in the world knew what a SL*T she was.

Sorry for the harsh words, but that needed to be said.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> Seriously .... you see this behavior going on for years and you haven't left or thrown her out? Why? I really don't understand why you are accepting this behavior. Frankly, the reason that she doesn't have any respect for you is because you don't have any respect for yourself. If it were me, I'd throw her out or I'd walk out and made sure everyone in the world knew what a SL*T she was.
> 
> Sorry for the harsh words, but that needed to be said.


Indeed!


You have put up with her behavior and now she's taken you for granted and she might never change it.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is very common for a wife who has BPD to emasculate their spouse and mentally abuse them. Not until you have completely severed this relationship will you then see it. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

So you are living in an open marriage where the activities are none of your business. She has complete lack of respect for you.

You have what you need to know now. Sure I get the wanting to know who this guys was but how would that change anything? 

Inapproapirate -- Oh yeah, GMFB

Unfaithfulness -- A big YES. She tells you it is none of your business.

Cheating -- It would seem likely there is a physical relationship as she is dating. Probably many times with multiple guys over time. BUT, whether there is or not I see this as cheating as this is not with your bessing. I see dating in any form as cheating unless a couple has jointly agreed to an open marriage.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Not being well versed in BPD I could never make that assumption.What I do know is that if it were a man I would have no problem thinking he was a POS self-serving as*hole,so I don't have any hesitation viewing OP's wife the same way.The disrespect and flouting of marital boundaries will continue as long as OP allows her to run roughshod over him.He has to make waves if he really wants to resolve the situation one way or another,but right now he appears to be afraid to even make a ripple.Either move on or make some hard consequences he'll stand firm on 100%.So far all he's showing is he expects more,but will settle for less when push comes to shove.jmo


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