# Q



## CantSitStill

Because I do not want anyone to know that I'm asking so don't want to ask people on Facebook 
But just curious. How much does it cost to file for a divorce? Hubby almost did a couple months ago. He told me he was sitting in his truck at the courthouse thinking about doing it then changed his mind. We have been trying to get to reconciliation and we have a few good days between a lot of bad ones. I am the former WW.


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## Lostinthought61

Depends on which state you live in each state has certain associated with filing for divorce, lawyer fees, mediation it all depends if there children involved, assets....you could probably google it for your state.

are you interested in filing for him?


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## BeyondRepair007

CantSitStill said:


> Because I do not want anyone to know that I'm asking so don't want to ask people on Facebook
> But just curious. How much does it cost to file for a divorce? Hubby almost did a couple months ago. He told me he was sitting in his truck at the courthouse thinking about doing it then changed his mind. We have been trying to get to reconciliation and we have a few good days between a lot of bad ones. I am the former WW.


A couple of google websites say $137.
You live in the same state as me.
I have no idea...but that sounds reasonable.


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## CantSitStill

Lostinthought61 said:


> Depends on which state you live in each state has certain associated with filing for divorce, lawyer fees, mediation it all depends if there children involved, assets....you could probably google it for your state.
> 
> are you interested in filing for him?


No way. I do not want a divorce. I never want to leave him. He is my one and only love of my life. I love him more than anything in this world. He's such a good husband in so many ways.


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## CantSitStill

BeyondRepair007 said:


> A couple of google websites say $137.
> You live in the same state as me.
> I have no idea...but that sounds reasonable.


Well I'm in Indiana not Chicago. Thank you


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## Lostinthought61

The fact he told you how he felt and his pulling away from that decides means he is being honest with you, how did you handle it when he told you ?


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## Openminded

Around 150 in Indiana. I don’t know if it varies by county (it does in my state) but it likely wouldn’t be by much if it did. I‘ve read hundreds of infidelity threads in my time here and I usually can predict fairly well who will divorce and who won’t. I definitely think he’s one who won’t. He may think about it and he may wish he could at times but he won’t.


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## EleGirl

CantSitStill said:


> Because I do not want anyone to know that I'm asking so don't want to ask people on Facebook
> But just curious. How much does it cost to file for a divorce? Hubby almost did a couple months ago. He told me he was sitting in his truck at the courthouse thinking about doing it then changed his mind. We have been trying to get to reconciliation and we have a few good days between a lot of bad ones. I am the former WW.


The cost depends on how the divorce is done. 

If the two of you draw up your own divorce papers and file them, it can cost very little. I did this in 2012 because it was uncontested. Cost me $134 and the cost of the paper, toner, and the gas to drive down to the court house.

When I divorced my son's father, it cost me about $20,000. He wasted $40,000.

Usually, if you hire an attorney, there's about a $1,500 deposit and then it adds up after that depending on how much your attorneys encourage the two of you to fight. Attorneys love it when couples fight a lot because that's how they get rich.


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## EleGirl

CantSitStill said:


> Well I'm in Indiana not Chicago. Thank you


Indiana - $157 filing fee
Average legal fees: $9,000

How Much Does a Divorce Cost By State? (findlaw.com)


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## ThatDarnGuy!

EleGirl said:


> The cost depends on how the divorce is done.
> 
> If the two of you draw up your own divorce papers and file them, it can cost very little. I did this in 2012 because it was uncontested. Cost me $134 and the cost of the paper, toner, and the gas to drive down to the court house.
> 
> When I divorced my son's father, it cost me about $20,000. He wasted $40,000.
> 
> Usually, if you hire an attorney, there's about a $1,500 deposit and then it adds up after that depending on how much your attorneys encourage the two of you to fight. Attorneys love it when couples fight a lot because that's how they get rich.


Everything has gone up so much this year that you can count on it costing an azz load! I know it's not the same, but it cost us nearly 4,000 to handle my wife's mother's estate. There were no debts and it was just her and her brother who did not challenge anything 

A contested divorce will easily run 15k and probably a whole lot more.


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## Openminded

When you have an uncontested divorce that’s the simple (less expensive) way because a contested divorce can literally cost a fortune. It all depends on your state’s procedures.


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## CantSitStill

Lostinthought61 said:


> The fact he told you how he felt and his pulling away from that decides means he is being honest with you, how did you handle it when he told you ?


I literally had a nervous breakdown to be honest.


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## CantSitStill

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Everything has gone up so much this year that you can count on it costing an azz load! I know it's not the same, but it cost us nearly 4,000 to handle my wife's mother's estate. There were no debts and it was just her and her brother who did not challenge anything
> 
> A contested divorce will easily run 15k and probably a whole lot more.


What if I just don't want to sign and I don't want a lawyer either?


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## CantSitStill

Openminded said:


> Around 150 in Indiana. I don’t know if it varies by county (it does in my state) but it likely wouldn’t be by much if it did. I‘ve read hundreds of infidelity threads in my time here and I usually can predict fairly well who will divorce and who won’t. I definitely think he’s one who won’t. He may think about it and he may wish he could at times but he won’t.


You really think he won't?


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## drencrom

CantSitStill said:


> Because I do not want anyone to know that I'm asking so don't want to ask people on Facebook
> But just curious. How much does it cost to file for a divorce? Hubby almost did a couple months ago. He told me he was sitting in his truck at the courthouse thinking about doing it then changed his mind. We have been trying to get to reconciliation and we have a few good days between a lot of bad ones. I am the former WW.


Depends on the attorney and the area. Because my x-wife didn't have a leg to stand on, it cost me about 5 grand....well worth it.

I'm not sure "filing" for the divorce costs anything. It's the lawyers that end up costing. And the more couples fight, the more it will financially ruin them. Always best just to agree to the 50/50 split and make it better all around.


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## drencrom

CantSitStill said:


> You really think he won't?


I don't think so. He got what I thought were good polygraph results, which is what he said he was waiting on. So unless the results didn't have the desired effect of alleviating his concerns, I don't think he will.


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## Openminded

CantSitStill said:


> You really think he won't?


I absolutely don’t. And if at some weird moment he was having, he did decide to file (which I can’t imagine him doing) I definitely think he would never go through with it. Deep down he really doesn’t want to although there may be moments when he wishes he could.


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## Affaircare

CantSitStill said:


> What if I just don't want to sign and I don't want a lawyer either?


If the both of you file together and agree on how to split everything, you are co-petitioners and it's called an uncontested divorce. Essentially a judge just looks at what both of you filed and puts their stamp of approval on it legally. 

If one of you files, they are the petitioner and the other party would be the respondent (because they would "respond" to the filing). You have something like 30 days to respond usually--depends on your state but X number of days. If a respondent does NOT respond--if they don't sign and they don't get a lawyer and they just kinda "do nothing"--then the judge looks at what the petitioner files and either agrees with it and orders it...or the judge makes slight legal changes to it and orders it. Either way, the X number of days go by, it's scheduled for court, and eventually the divorce goes through. 

It would be ideal, if two people were to divorce, if they could co-petition and have an uncontested divorce. But if they could get along enough to agree on all that, they wouldn't be divorcing, would they?  A good second best would be if one petitions, the other responds, they reach agreement on 80% and agree to either mediate the 20% or have the judge decide the 20%, and it moves forward. The worst case scenario is when one petitions with outrageous requests, the other responds with something OUT OF THIS WORLD unrealistic, they both hire landshark lawyers, they fight for years spending all their money on lawyers, and still end up divorced after years of animosity.

If you don't sign and don't get a lawyer, the divorce will still occur. You can't prevent it by "doing nothing" or saying you won't give him a divorce.


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## Asterix

@CantSitStill , people are answering your question to the best of their abilities. I most likely am being presumptuous here, but I'm not sure that's the answer you are looking for. 

You mentioned that you are a former WW and you mentioned that you DO NOT want a divorce. You also mentioned that you are having a few good days among many bad days. 

I suppose the questions would be, what is it that you can do to make it work? How can you improve the progress of your reconciliation? What can you do to help put his mind at ease?

There are a lot of resources available on the internet. You may also want to consider buying the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. You can even enter that phrase in your favorite search engine and you'll have a lot of resources come up which you can browse. 

Unfortunately, this is going to be a long and hard road ahead, and in most cases, a person never really recovers from their spouse's affair completely.

Hope this helps. 

If my presumptions are wrong, then I do apologize. Please ignore this message in that case.


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## CantSitStill

Asterix said:


> @CantSitStill , people are answering your question to the best of their abilities. I most likely am being presumptuous here, but I'm not sure that's the answer you are looking for.
> 
> You mentioned that you are a former WW and you mentioned that you DO NOT want a divorce. You also mentioned that you are having a few good days among many bad days.
> 
> I suppose the questions would be, what is it that you can do to make it work? How can you improve the progress of your reconciliation? What can you do to help put his mind at ease?
> 
> There are a lot of resources available on the internet. You may also want to consider buying the book "not just friends" by Shirley Glass. "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda MacDonald. You can even enter that phrase in your favorite search engine and you'll have a lot of resources come up which you can browse.
> 
> Unfortunately, this is going to be a long and hard road ahead, and in most cases, a person never really recovers from their spouse's affair completely.
> 
> Hope this helps.
> 
> If my presumptions are wrong, then I do apologize. Please ignore this message in that case.


You are right and I'm doing all I can
I need the help but it seems there is no place on TAM for people like me. But I was curious is all. I hope we never have to go that route. Thank you for the book info. I've heard that book mentioned in the affair recovery videos I've been watching. We finally had a good marriage counseling session last Saturday. It's hard to find the right expert help. But we are trying. I was posting this question out of fear that day. I over reached. It's a bad habit of mine. I panic when he says it's over and he thinks we should divorce. Waywards are not liked around here.


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## Casual Observer

@CantSitStill - Is this a post about the cost of filing for a divorce, or is it about things that might keep your husband from filing, buying you time so you have a better shot at reconciling?

Way back when you wrote this. How have things changed since?

_Nov 11, 2012_
_
to elaborate..We went through the hysterical bonding, still having great sex, been in R for almost a year, been through MC this whole time but as time goes on my husband tells me he thinks he wants out. He goes through this about every other day but then promises he is ok and will never bring up divorce. Yet he still continues this pattern. There are phases right? Is this the last phase before he leaves me?_


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> @CantSitStill - Is this a post about the cost of filing for a divorce, or is it about things that might keep your husband from filing, buying you time so you have a better shot at reconciling?
> 
> Way back when you wrote this. How have things changed since?
> 
> _Nov 11, 2012_
> 
> _to elaborate..We went through the hysterical bonding, still having great sex, been in R for almost a year, been through MC this whole time but as time goes on my husband tells me he thinks he wants out. He goes through this about every other day but then promises he is ok and will never bring up divorce. Yet he still continues this pattern. There are phases right? Is this the last phase before he leaves me?_


He is having more good days than he was and less bad days. At marriage counseling we talked about this and the trauma counselor said it is a process and unfortunately it is not something that he can erase from his mind. We also talked about speaking and listening to eachother with a good tone. For me I nees to work on listening and really feeling his pain with out interrupting and really hearing him out. For both of us she said a good idea is to pick days and times to not talk about it or when things get heated take a time out. We both agreed. Because I asked if he will forever hold it over my head. She said in time it should get less and less. We both have the same goal 
To stay together 
So on the days he says he gives up and brings up divorce I nees to just ride it out till his feeling that way passes. So yeah I'd like to talk about how we are doing without people saying we are being too dramatic. I need a thread for those goimg thru this or who have on the wayward side. Everyone that comes to my other thread is a betrayed that has been so hurt they cannot help me really. Maybe I should start journaling on paper to get my feelings out


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## CantSitStill

CantSitStill said:


> He is having more good days than he was and less bad days. At marriage counseling we talked about this and the trauma counselor said it is a process and unfortunately it is not something that he can erase from his mind. We also talked about speaking and listening to eachother with a good tone. For me I nees to work on listening and really feeling his pain with out interrupting and really hearing him out. For both of us she said a good idea is to pick days and times to not talk about it or when things get heated take a time out. We both agreed. Because I asked if he will forever hold it over my head. She said in time it should get less and less. We both have the same goal
> To stay together
> So on the days he says he gives up and brings up divorce I nees to just ride it out till his feeling that way passes. So yeah I'd like to talk about how we are doing without people saying we are being too dramatic. I need a thread for those goimg thru this or who have on the wayward side. Everyone that comes to my other thread is a betrayed that has been so hurt they cannot help me really. Maybe I should start journaling on paper to get my feelings out


Wow that was 2012 from my EA many years ago and we made a ton of progress since. Now it's the other issue I'm sure you read about rifjt around Thanksgiving time. This time it's really killing him and I do understand why. I understand am trying anyway.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> He is having more good days than he was and less bad days. At marriage counseling we talked about this and the trauma counselor said it is a process and unfortunately it is not something that he can erase from his mind. We also talked about speaking and listening to eachother with a good tone. For me I nees to work on listening and really feeling his pain with out interrupting and really hearing him out. For both of us she said a good idea is to pick days and times to not talk about it or when things get heated take a time out. We both agreed. Because I asked if he will forever hold it over my head. She said in time it should get less and less. We both have the same goal
> To stay together
> So on the days he says he gives up and brings up divorce I nees to just ride it out till his feeling that way passes. So yeah I'd like to talk about how we are doing without people saying we are being too dramatic. I need a thread for those goimg thru this or who have on the wayward side. Everyone that comes to my other thread is a betrayed that has been so hurt they cannot help me really. Maybe I should start journaling on paper to get my feelings out


I feel your pain and understand your husband's journey, and how hopeless it can feel for him. The toughest part for you to understand is that "time" can sometimes make it worse for him, not better, because he lacks the resolution he has a need for. I'm dealing with stuff that went on before my wife and I were married, lies and omissions regarding who she was, that caused her to shut down intimacy in our marriage for over 40 years. And discovering the root cause, just 3 years ago, and everything we've been through since... let me just say you're doing a better job than she is, because you understand the need to hear him out, to be there for him, to listen, to not jump all over him telling him that's not how he should feel.

I strongly encourage you to read Dr. Minwalla's work on the "Secret Sexual Basement." It will be painful, but it will show you what your husband is going through. It goes way beyond what any typical reconciliation counselor would recommend, because typically they try to reduce blame, which removes validity from what your husband feels.
Minwalla Model 

Please download and read it, and come back with questions. I think it's a path forward, and your husband will finally find validation for his feelings. I would also look into EMDR therapy for your husband as well. It might make sense to actually engage the services of Dr Minwalla's organization.

I don't know the extent to which you've been proactive in helping your husband work through this, but taking this step could go a long way, especially since your husband will recognize that it doesn't minimize the damage done by your cheating, it maximizes it. And it provides a therapeutic path forward, making requirements, not suggestions, for the betraying spouse. 

My heart goes out to both of you. It's been such a very long time.


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## CantSitStill

I have so many thoughts going on in my head. Like we could be having a great time and be happy and out of the blue he will say he doesn't like my attitude and I ask him what he is talking about because I do not know of any attitude 
He says I complain all the time. Another thing zi never noticed. It's like I'm im the twilight zone. So right now I am sitting here thinking maybe he doesn't like me for who i am. Im being myself 
. Or maybe it's the spot on my brain and have been acting differently but even so. What do you when your spouse who is also my caregiver doesn't like me for who I am. I'm not talking about the infidelity I'm talking me just being me. But then he brings up the infidelity and I think oh wow I wasn't expecting that trigger after we were laughing, talking and enoying eachother so I thought. He told me last night to leave him alone and don't even talk to him so I have been doing just that. I slept on the couch last night. Watched a real good movie on Netflix in the middle of the nigjt and have not texted him since. Anyway thanks for reading. I just really need a friend to talk to about how we are doing. The good and the bad.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> I have so many thoughts going on in my head. Like we could be having a great time and be happy and out of the blue he will say he doesn't like my attitude and I ask him what he is talking about because I do not know of any attitude
> He says I complain all the time. Another thing zi never noticed. It's like I'm im the twilight zone. So right now I am sitting here thinking maybe he doesn't like me for who i am. Im being myself
> . Or maybe it's the spot on my brain and have been acting differently but even so. What do you when your spouse who is also my caregiver doesn't like me for who I am. I'm not talking about the infidelity I'm talking me just being me. But then he brings up the infidelity and I think oh wow I wasn't expecting that trigger after we were laughing, talking and enoying eachother so I thought. He told me last night to leave him alone and don't even talk to him so I have been doing just that. I slept on the couch last night. Watched a real good movie on Netflix in the middle of the nigjt and have not texted him since. Anyway thanks for reading. I just really need a friend to talk to about how we are doing. The good and the bad.


This might seem harsh, but could you give a short summary of the timeline and the nature of your cheating, including how it was discovered? It’s different than most here because it goes back so far, and may will assume it wasn’t just then but that more recent infidelity. It appears your story is different from the norm here. Thanks.


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> I feel your pain and understand your husband's journey, and how hopeless it can feel for him. The toughest part for you to understand is that "time" can sometimes make it worse for him, not better, because he lacks the resolution he has a need for. I'm dealing with stuff that went on before my wife and I were married, lies and omissions regarding who she was, that caused her to shut down intimacy in our marriage for over 40 years. And discovering the root cause, just 3 years ago, and everything we've been through since... let me just say you're doing a better job than she is, because you understand the need to hear him out, to be there for him, to listen, to not jump all over him telling him that's not how he should feel.
> 
> I strongly encourage you to read Dr. Minwalla's work on the "Secret Sexual Basement." It will be painful, but it will show you what your husband is going through. It goes way beyond what any typical reconciliation counselor would recommend, because typically they try to reduce blame, which removes validity from what your husband feels.
> Minwalla Model
> 
> Please download and read it, and come back with questions. I think it's a path forward, and your husband will finally find validation for his feelings. I would also look into EMDR therapy for your husband as well. It might make sense to actually engage the services of Dr Minwalla's organization.
> 
> I don't know the extent to which you've been proactive in helping your husband work through this, but taking this step could go a long way, especially since your husband will recognize that it doesn't minimize the damage done by your cheating, it maximizes it. And it provides a therapeutic path forward, making requirements, not suggestions, for the betraying spouse.
> 
> My heart goes out to both of you. It's been such a very long time.


Thank you. I can't download anything because my phone has no space 
Maybe when I find the right moment I can ask him if i can order books
What happened to me has taken a tole on our money situation and the cost of living now without my paycheck makes it hard for us. So can i click on whatever that link is? Or does it make you download?


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> Thank you. I can't download anything because my phone has no space
> Maybe when I find the right moment I can ask him if i can order books
> What happened to me has taken a tole on our money situation and the cost of living now without my paycheck makes it hard for us. So can i click on whatever that link is? Or does it make you download?


You can click on that link and view it on-line, but it likely will try to download the file as well. Do you have access to a desktop computer? Ideally I would print it out for him. 

Finding a way to get this printed out could save you a ton of $$$ on hit & miss therapy (I know all about that) and maybe a costly divorce as well.


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## CantSitStill

@Casual Observer well we have been married 30 years. I was raped by his neice's husband when I was pregnant with our first child. I did not tell anyone at all abiut it. But there is more to the story. I was too afraid to tell hubby. Ok so it came out that we were having an affair which was actually rape. He told his friends he was doing me and it got to his ex wife who decided not to tell my husband. Until recently because h3 was giving her a hard time for taking his mom's money. The raping affair thing lasted a month because I finally spoke up and threatened him i would tell hubby. They lived in the basement below us at the time. So yeah I let hubby's family think it was an affair because couldn't say and get it iu5 that it was rape. Ok so 28 years later he finds out.. it's too much to explain so go to page 741 on the ups and downs and read. I can't explain the story again. But yes i had an EA 10nyears ago with a high school boyfriend we went thru tons of counseling and got healed feom it. We were happy. Please just read it


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## CantSitStill

Shoot now that I told you to read it I started reading it again myself. But yes you need to read it all from 741 on. I'm on page 753. Please read it all so you can see what I'm talking about. I waa so afraid Calvin would land up in jail if I told him 
I was so young. Then I blocked it all out of my head to now have it alwsys havinf to be reminded. But yes it was a horrible year 2021 for my family. One trauma after another amd the doctors were shocked that I am alive.


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> You can click on that link and view it on-line, but it likely will try to download the file as well. Do you have access to a desktop computer? Ideally I would print it out for him.
> 
> Finding a way to get this printed out could save you a ton of $$$ on hit & miss therapy (I know all about that) and maybe a costly divorce as well.


I can try


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## CantSitStill

drencrom said:


> I don't think so. He got what I thought were good polygraph results, which is what he said he was waiting on. So unless the results didn't have the desired effect of alleviating his concerns, I don't think he will.
> [/QUO


i
Hope you are right that you don't think he will


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## CantSitStill

Been listening to more YouTube videos about infidelity and a couple of them talk about gratitude. Finding things you are grateful for to get your head from saying this sucks when things go bad. Great idea. I do have a lot to be grateful for. After being in the hospitals for 6 months oh my there are so many things to be grateful for.


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## CantSitStill

CantSitStill said:


> I can try


Please read on to get an idea of where we are at. From 741 to now. I know it's alot but it will help make more clear what is happening with us. @Casual Observer


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> I feel your pain and understand your husband's journey, and how hopeless it can feel for him. The toughest part for you to understand is that "time" can sometimes make it worse for him, not better, because he lacks the resolution he has a need for. I'm dealing with stuff that went on before my wife and I were married, lies and omissions regarding who she was, that caused her to shut down intimacy in our marriage for over 40 years. And discovering the root cause, just 3 years ago, and everything we've been through since... let me just say you're doing a better job than she is, because you understand the need to hear him out, to be there for him, to listen, to not jump all over him telling him that's not how he should feel.
> 
> I strongly encourage you to read Dr. Minwalla's work on the "Secret Sexual Basement." It will be painful, but it will show you what your husband is going through. It goes way beyond what any typical reconciliation counselor would recommend, because typically they try to reduce blame, which removes validity from what your husband feels.
> Minwalla Model
> 
> Please download and read it, and come back with questions. I think it's a path forward, and your husband will finally find validation for his feelings. I would also look into EMDR therapy for your husband as well. It might make sense to actually engage the services of Dr Minwalla's organization.
> 
> I don't know the extent to which you've been proactive in helping your husband work through this, but taking this step could go a long way, especially since your husband will recognize that it doesn't minimize the damage done by your cheating, it maximizes it. And it provides a therapeutic path forward, making requirements, not suggestions, for the betraying spouse.
> 
> My heart goes out to both of you. It's been such a very long time.


What is EMDR?


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## CantSitStill

@Casual Observer 
I have been listening to the podcasts on that site. The thing is. It is for women who are going through the sexual abuse. I am the woman that went through it . It is more women that are married and their husbands are the ones doing the abuse. I am not abusing him. So it's a bit different for our situation. I went through it and did not tell him or anyone else. I can listen to it even though what happened to be was done and it sucked and I should have done something and I got out of it on my own. So as for my husband. How would this help him if I'm not abusing him. I am not dominating him sexually or in any way? The thing that hurts him is it happened and I never mentioned it all of these years but it was not exactly a cheating situation. Im not a cheating spouse. I don't have any compulsive sexual abuse that Im doing. I held this secret and kept it to myself. That is the thing that upsets him. This site is for women who have been cheating on or are in an abusive relationship. I'm trying to understand why you want us to listen to it. This man that violated me stopped and shoot he is dead now and i have taken what happened and took it out of my brain and moved on from it. The problem we have is 28 years later he now knows about it. Im still foing to continue to listen to it altho that is not our situation.


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## Affaircare

Casual Observer said:


> ... I strongly encourage you to read Dr. Minwalla's work on the "Secret Sexual Basement." It will be painful, but it will show you what your husband is going through. It goes way beyond what any typical reconciliation counselor would recommend, because typically they try to reduce blame, which removes validity from what your husband feels.
> Minwalla Model


@Casual Observer -- Interesting White Paper. I found it right on target...


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## drencrom

CantSitStill said:


> Wow that was 2012 from my EA many years ago and we made a ton of progress since. Now it's the other issue I'm sure you read about rifjt around Thanksgiving time. This time it's really killing him and I do understand why. I understand am trying anyway.


I can tell you exactly why. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. The mind movies, the scenarios that he will play over and over in his head will never go away.

The only thing he can do is come to a point where he isn't thinking about it constantly and hopefully whatever memories he does have will have less of an effect on him as time goes by.

I think he can do that if he is wanting his marriage. Me? I couldn't do it. The only way to get rid of the pain the mind movies caused was to get rid of my wife.(now x-wife). But that is me and my situation was a little different than yours.


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## CantSitStill

drencrom said:


> I can tell you exactly why. It doesn't matter how long ago it was. The mind movies, the scenarios that he will play over and over in his head will never go away.
> 
> The only thing he can do is come to a point where he isn't thinking about it constantly and hopefully whatever memories he does have will have less of an effect on him as time goes by.
> 
> I think he can do that if he is wanting his marriage. Me? I couldn't do it. The only way to get rid of the pain the mind movies caused was to get rid of my wife.(now x-wife). But that is me and my situation was a little different than yours.


I said I DO understand not don't.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> @Casual Observer
> I have been listening to the podcasts on that site. The thing is. It is for women who are going through the sexual abuse. I am the woman that went through it . It is more women that are married and their husbands are the ones doing the abuse. I am not abusing him. So it's a bit different for our situation. I went through it and did not tell him or anyone else. I can listen to it even though what happened to be was done and it sucked and I should have done something and I got out of it on my own. So as for my husband. How would this help him if I'm not abusing him. I am not dominating him sexually or in any way? The thing that hurts him is it happened and I never mentioned it all of these years but it was not exactly a cheating situation. Im not a cheating spouse. I don't have any compulsive sexual abuse that Im doing. I held this secret and kept it to myself. That is the thing that upsets him. This site is for women who have been cheating on or are in an abusive relationship. I'm trying to understand why you want us to listen to it. This man that violated me stopped and shoot he is dead now and i have taken what happened and took it out of my brain and moved on from it. The problem we have is 28 years later he now knows about it. Im still foing to continue to listen to it altho that is not our situation.





Affaircare said:


> @Casual Observer -- Interesting White Paper. I found it right on target...


He’s one of the very few that give legitimacy to the phenomenon many betrayed feel, where the passage of time can make things worse, not better. That, for some of us, the very worst thing, ever, is for a spouse to ask “Why aren’t you over this” or “When are you going to be done with this?”

He also legitimizes that betrayal creates both a capital T trauma as well as a supporting cast of little t traumas that are ongoing.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> What is EMDR?


EMDR is a way of visually distracting your brain while processing thoughts that have given you issues. It allows you to reprocess events in a better way. It’s a big thing for PTSD, working more quickly than most other therapies.


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## snowbum

If he’s not over it 5+years later and you love him, let him go. He shouldn’t be in torment all his life


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## Casual Observer

snowbum said:


> If he’s not over it 5+years later and you love him, let him go. He shouldn’t be in torment all his life


He doesn't need to be in "torment" all his life. But the memories of the pain, and the changes that will cause, have to be accepted and, in a way, embraced. Perhaps supported sounds better. The focus on the amount of time, so far, gets in the way of recovery because the focus seems to shift from the needs of the betrayed to the betrayer. The betrayer might not see it that way; the betrayer might believe he or she is motivated by wanting the betrayed to feel better. But that's not how it comes across to the betrayed.

In general, betrayals happen because the betrayer isn't giving a lot of thought to how the betrayed would feel, if they knew. The very fact that it must be hidden shows just how much the betrayer doesn't want the truth to be known, particularly to the betrayed. Anyone thinking that the betrayed can't figure out where they rank, when affairs (emotional or physical) are kept from them, just doesn't get it.

The worst part of all? Your husband might very much love you, and what's best for him, could very well be staying married to you. And vice versa. You see this as 5+ years of agony, and yet it might actually be too soon to write it off. I would suggest that your husband reads Dr. Minwalla's paper and maybe he'll find his place, maybe he'll figure out what he needs from you, and maybe the two of you can either work towards a place together, or move on.

Don't just listen to the Podcasts. Read Dr. Minwalla's paper. Go here- Minwalla Model and click on the download button. Print out a copy, read through it, ask questions here if you'd like, and then hand it to your husband and ask him, is this right? Talk to him about all the things you didn't know. And then see where things head.


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> He’s one of the very few that give legitimacy to the phenomenon many betrayed feel, where the passage of time can make things worse, not better. That, for some of us, the very worst thing, ever, is for a spouse to ask “Why aren’t you over this” or “When are you going to be done with this?”
> 
> He also legitimizes that betrayal creates both a capital T trauma as well as a supporting cast of little t traumas that are ongoing.


Oh I agree. I am not saying hr should be over it. And yes you are right that me not telling him eas a very bad idea. I can honestly say I never wanted him to know. I knew it would emotionally crush him. People here say I was keeping it from him for selfish reasons but I really wasn't. It was me wanting to protect him. Yeah another bad idea. So i do agree with you. Sadly I did try to download it and it did tell me I don't have enough space. His phone has just as much space left as mine. These phones are a few years old amd i guess they are cheap because we no space. But I am understanding about how saying it was ao long ago hurts him even more. I do get that. I would download it if i could. I could see if he can get it on my sons computer and print it. Thank you for answering me and also about the EMDR.


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## CantSitStill

snowbum said:


> If he’s not over it 5+years later and you love him, let him go. He shouldn’t be in torment all his life


Please stop. Don't say things like that. He does not want to leave so we are with a trauma counselor to help
We see her again tomorrow 
But please. No need to say that. We are im this together. He is not alone in this. Im here to go through the torment whatever you wanna call it with him. I can't fix him but I can be here for him even when he is flooding.


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## drencrom

CantSitStill said:


> I said I DO understand not don't.


Ah, yes, my apologies. I tend to read fast.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> Please stop. Don't say things like that. He does not want to leave so we are with a trauma counselor to help
> We see her again tomorrow
> But please. No need to say that. We are im this together. He is not alone in this. Im here to go through the torment whatever you wanna call it with him. I can't fix him but I can be here for him even when he is flooding.


Maybe send the link to your trauma counselor and have him/her go through it and print it out (the Dr Minwalla piece) for you.


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> Maybe send the link to your trauma counselor and have him/her go through it and print it out (the Dr Minwalla piece) for you.


Wouldn't hurt 🙂


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## CantSitStill

Wasted our time going to counseling for the counselor to not even show up. Called her snd she totally forgot. So pissed off right now. I actually did my hair and makeup. Uggg and hubby left work early for this


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## CantSitStill

We went to see my neurologist last week and he was such a jerk that we fired him. He was not help at all. Refused to look at anything I gave him. Didn't remember or chart abkut my numb leg. Tild me he couldn't get any images from UI from my MRI last year and refused to take the disk I had from my recent one. Told me he dont knkw what to do for me and to go to IU or Chicago. We told him i eas at IU and that he should know that feom the MRI i had sent to him. Then had the nerve to ask what hospitals I was at and why. We gave hkm all this information the first day we saw him. I then went to hand him a list of everywjere I wemt witj dates and he didn't want to look at it. Then he told the nurse to make me a follow up appt in a few months. We told her no we wont be back ever


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## CantSitStill

I hate lateness and unprofessionalism


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## nekonamida

I'm a bit confused. Is he counting the assault as infidelity? Is that what he is upset about now? Or is he still upset over the EA?


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> I hate lateness and unprofessionalism


You need to be careful not to get into a downward spiral where it seems like it is the world against you. One of the things imprtan in recover is the ability to adapt slightly, to optimize the chances of a successful outcome.


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## CantSitStill

nekonamida said:


> I'm a bit confused. Is he counting the assault as infidelity? Is that what he is upset about now? Or is he still upset over the EA?


So am I.


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## CantSitStill

So if your spouse blocks you from Facebook? Pretty bad sign yeah?


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## snowbum

He intentionally blocked you? Doesn’t sound great


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## CantSitStill

After all of his awful words and he wouldn't stop putting me down. Throwing it in my face as if i wanted it from rapist guy I lost it. I physically threw things broke things. Abused him. Threw apples at him hurt him. I kept telling him to stop but he kept going. I usually hide my phone and walk away but this time for the first time ever he turned me into a psycho crazy person. I broke the dog gate and threw it at him. It was the only way to get his attention that i was serious about him to not treat me that way. It waa mental abuse on his side and physical abuse on mine. I even told him I hate him. I never talk to the man I love that way. i told him i cant take it and he can have the damn divorce. I told him he scares me and that he is crazy. Acting all loving on3 minute th3n out of the blue tell me he hates me and to gwt the f out and much mucy more. I told him to get out of my house 
Divorce is what he really wanted this whole time. He can have it because i do not want to b3 marri3d to a mean man. I can't live this way.


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## snowbum

You need to move on. End this train wreck.


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## jonty30

CantSitStill said:


> After all of his awful words and he wouldn't stop putting me down. Throwing it in my face as if i wanted it from rapist guy I lost it. I physically threw things broke things. Abused him. Threw apples at him hurt him. I kept telling him to stop but he kept going. I usually hide my phone and walk away but this time for the first time ever he turned me into a psycho crazy person. I broke the dog gate and threw it at him. It was the only way to get his attention that i was serious about him to not treat me that way. It waa mental abuse on his side and physical abuse on mine. I even told him I hate him. I never talk to the man I love that way. i told him i cant take it and he can have the damn divorce. I told him he scares me and that he is crazy. Acting all loving on3 minute th3n out of the blue tell me he hates me and to gwt the f out and much mucy more. I told him to get out of my house
> Divorce is what he really wanted this whole time. He can have it because i do not want to b3 marri3d to a mean man. I can't live this way.


If he can't take the steps to serious reconciliation, it is probably over. You both need a peace of mind and ending the marriage may be the only way to bring that peace.


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## drencrom

CantSitStill said:


> Divorce is what he really wanted this whole time. He can have it because i do not want to b3 marri3d to a mean man. I can't live this way.


Was @calvin mean before the betrayal? @calvin? Your thoughts?


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## snowbum

It’s now escalated to violence. He can’t forget and you can’t fix him, 10 years is long enough


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## CantSitStill

drencrom said:


> Was @calvin mean before the betrayal? @calvin? Your thoughts?


There was a time he would come home angry a lot. He was never satisfied with anything I did around the house. He was acting like a dictator rather than a leader but that all changed after marriage counseling after the EA.


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## CantSitStill

snowbum said:


> It’s now escalated to violence. He can’t forget and you can’t fix him, 10 years is long enough


This is not about the EA 10 years ago so stop saying that. You don't know the story. This is about me being raped 28 years ago and not telling him. We did great after the EA. We got thru it real good with a lot of MC and our relationship was much better. This is a completely different thing ok?


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## CantSitStill

Yeah I created a mess I cleaned it up in the middle of the night. I don't know if my brain damage has caused me to have a different personality but he does keep saying I have an attitude and it don't even notice it or think I do. Also I was angry and throwing things when I was at the nursing home too. So I don't know. I was not like that. I have always been a sweet kindhearted girl.


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## Blondilocks

CSS, as much as I have cringed at the way Calvin has treated you and conducted himself since the revelation - you cannot blame him for you losing it. Those are your actions and you need to take responsibility for them. You had options and you chose what you did. Own it.


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## CantSitStill

Blondilocks said:


> CSS, as much as I have cringed at the way Calvin has treated you and conducted himself since the revelation - you cannot blame him for you losing it. Those are your actions and you need to take responsibility for them. You had options and you chose what you did. Own it.


I know yes I own it


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## BigDaddyNY

CantSitStill said:


> This is not about the EA 10 years ago so stop saying that. You don't know the story. This is about me being raped 28 years ago and not telling him. We did great after the EA. We got thru it real good with a lot of MC and our relationship was much better. This is a completely different thing ok?


You can't conveniently compartmentalize them, unfortunately. They all meld into one big mess. And keep in mind, even though you were the rape victim there was still some betrayal of Calvin there too. You hid it for 28 years. Now Calvin has been reliving all the moments throughout his life where his "reality" was false. Like unknowingly eulogizing your rapist. He is now dealing with 28 years of betrayal. I suspect that also makes it feel more like infidelity than you being a victim to him. That is a bitter pill to swallow and he simply may not be able to.


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## snowbum

Sitting on that for 3 decades. Why? That’s probably what he doesn’t get.


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## Casual Observer

CantSitStill said:


> Yeah I created a mess I cleaned it up in the middle of the night. I don't know if my brain damage has caused me to have a different personality but he does keep saying I have an attitude and it don't even notice it or think I do. Also I was angry and throwing things when I was at the nursing home too. So I don't know. I was not like that. I have always been a sweet kindhearted girl.


Might be a good time to look back at earlier things you’ve written and see if you now have a better understanding of how things have played out and your own responsibility for the situation you’re in. The secrets you’ve kept haven’t just hurt your husband; they’ve prevented your own healing.


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## Openminded

Not everyone can overcome the anger caused by lies and deceit. The coverup is often the breaking point. That takes a long time to come to terms with and six months is too soon to expect things to be even close to normal. If he wants a divorce — seriously wants it — then maybe it’s time for the two of you to move on although I don’t think either of you will really do that. But you both need to do some serious thinking now that this has escalated. Some men would have called the cops. Keep that in mind in case you tempted again. Walk away.


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## Casual Observer

Openminded said:


> Not everyone can overcome the anger caused by lies and deceit. The coverup is often the breaking point. That takes a long time to come to terms with and six months is too soon to expect things to be even close to normal. If he wants a divorce — seriously wants it — then maybe it’s time for the two of you to move on although I don’t think either of you will really do that. But you both need to do some serious thinking now that this has escalated. Some men would have called the cops. Keep that in mind in case you tempted again. Walk away.


Not that I’ve EVER heard my spouse say “Why aren’t you over this yet? You’re the one who needs help, not me.”

The betraying spouse (betrayal is tied more to honesty and integrity than a sexual act) does not get it. They’ve often had years and years of rationalizing, compartmentalizing what they did. It’s normal to them. And it was their CHOICE. Not the case for the betrayed.


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## Asterix

CantSitStill said:


> After all of his awful words and he wouldn't stop putting me down. Throwing it in my face as if i wanted it from rapist guy I lost it. I physically threw things broke things. Abused him. Threw apples at him hurt him. I kept telling him to stop but he kept going. I usually hide my phone and walk away but this time for the first time ever he turned me into a psycho crazy person. I broke the dog gate and threw it at him. It was the only way to get his attention that i was serious about him to not treat me that way. It waa mental abuse on his side and physical abuse on mine. I even told him I hate him. I never talk to the man I love that way. i told him i cant take it and he can have the damn divorce. I told him he scares me and that he is crazy. Acting all loving on3 minute th3n out of the blue tell me he hates me and to gwt the f out and much mucy more. I told him to get out of my house
> Divorce is what he really wanted this whole time. He can have it because i do not want to b3 marri3d to a mean man. I can't live this way.





CantSitStill said:


> This is not about the EA 10 years ago so stop saying that. You don't know the story. This is about me being raped 28 years ago and not telling him. We did great after the EA. We got thru it real good with a lot of MC and our relationship was much better. This is a completely different thing ok?


This is very concerning. As I mentioned in my post earlier in this thread, I don't think I have a good understanding of your situation here. I don't know if you have posted it here or not. I do have a question.

Based on what I read briefly, I assume that you had an affair a while ago that he found out and you guys have been reconciling since then. Is that correct?

I understand that you do not or did not feel comfortable in sharing the incident of sexual assault that happened 28 years ago. Not everyone feels comfortable in recounting such incidences. I take it that you have been married a long time. From him point of view, he may have felt hurt that his wife did not feel safe with him to share something so deeply personal with him. He may have had strong feeling about that, even though there may or may not have a valid basis for them. I think he's feeling hurt and as a result is hurting you. I do not condone his behavior although I'm suggesting possibile reasons behinding his thinking in understanding his behavior. Having a better understanding can help you towards a good resolution.

He may have been the cause to bring out the bad parts in you, but as an adult, we need to have control over our actions. Your husband hasn't done well however Based on what you described here, you are becoming an abuser in this relationship.

Have you considered the possibility of doing individual counseling to get to the root of why you did what you did? You guys may also need to go see a couple's therapist. Would it also help you guys if you live say, in different rooms and reduce your contact with each other for a while till you sort this all out?

In most (almost all) cases, when the genders are reversed, the mob is out with pitchforks to want to burn the aggressor and abuser. Please understand that and look at your actions thoroughly. Saying "Oops! My bad" is nowhere near going to make up for what you've done. And I'm only talking about the affair and the abuse.

Edited to add: I may come across as someone who's blaming the victim here. Right now, I'm not even sure who the victim is at this point, although it seems that the husband might be in this case. If I'm wrong, please let me know. I'm not one to avoid accepting my own mistakes.


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## Openminded

Broken trust is not something that’s gotten over easily — or sometimes even at all — and if you can’t trust your spouse then you have to ask yourself if the marriage is truly worth it. In my case, it took decades of attempting to recover that broken trust before I finally realized we just didn’t work no matter how hard I tried. Your situation is much different but broken trust is a potential marriage killer regardless of wishing otherwise. That’s why professional help — good help — is recommended in trying to repair a marriage. It doesn’t work for everyone but it does for some. If the two of you want to stay together, it’s going to take a lot of really hard work.


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## BigDaddyNY

Asterix said:


> This is very concerning. As I mentioned in my post earlier in this thread, I don't think I have a good understanding of your situation here. I don't know if you have posted it here or not. I do have a question.
> 
> Based on what I read briefly, I assume that you had an affair a while ago that he found out and you guys have been reconciling since then. Is that correct?
> 
> I understand that you do not or did not feel comfortable in sharing the incident of sexual assault that happened 28 years ago. Not everyone feels comfortable in recounting such incidences. I take it that you have been married a long time. From him point of view, he may have felt hurt that his wife did not feel safe with him to share something so deeply personal with him. He may have had strong feeling about that, even though there may or may not have a valid basis for them. I think he's feeling hurt and as a result is hurting you. I do not condone his behavior although I'm suggesting possibile reasons behinding his thinking in understanding his behavior. Having a better understanding can help you towards a good resolution.
> 
> He may have been the cause to bring out the bad parts in you, but as an adult, we need to have control over our actions. Your husband hasn't done well however Based on what you described here, you are becoming an abuser in this relationship.
> 
> Have you considered the possibility of doing individual counseling to get to the root of why you did what you did? You guys may also need to go see a couple's therapist. Would it also help you guys if you live say, in different rooms and reduce your contact with each other for a while till you sort this all out?
> 
> In most (almost all) cases, when the genders are reversed, the mobs is out with pitchforks to want to burn the aggressor and abuser. Please understand that and look at your actions thoroughly. Saying "Oops! My bad" is nowhere going to make up for what you've done. And I'm only talking about the affair and the abuse.
> 
> Edited to add: I may come across as someone who's blaming the victim here. Right now, I'm not even sure who the victim is at this point, although it seems that the husband might be in this case. If I'm wrong, please let me know. I'm not one to avoid accepting my own mistakes.


Very brief summary. She had an EA 10 years ago, that was reconciled through hard work and MC. Recently, within the last year or so I think, it came to light she was raped by a friend/relative early in their marriage, 28 years ago. The nature of the rapes (yes multiple) gave the appearance that it could have been consensual. She took a polygraph and passed when saying it was a rape. I think the sum total of everything along with a whole lot of other BS in their lives has just become too much for the marriage at this point.


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## snowbum

I agree that maybe moving forward independently is the healthiest route at this point, Rape is never easy to discuss. Bringing it up 28 years later can’t be east for either party.


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## Asterix

BigDaddyNY said:


> Very brief summary. She had an EA 10 years ago, that was reconciled through hard work and MC. Recently, within the last year or so I think, it came to light she was raped by a friend/relative early in their marriage, 28 years ago. The nature of the rapes (yes multiple) gave the appearance that it could have been consensual. She took a polygraph and passed when saying it was a rape. I think the sum total of everything along with a whole lot of other BS in their lives has just become too much for the marriage at this point.


I suppose, this is one of the examples of the saying: Healing can't begin till the last lie has been told. The issue of @CantSitStill of multiple sexual assaults and the possibility of them being consensual undid all the hard work that @CantSitStill and her husband did. He could have perceived her reluctance to talk about it as cheating. If they were married at that time and she didn't go to him when the rape(s) occurred and she hid it from him for 28 years, then I don't know how else he could have perceived it as. 

@CantSitStill I don't think I have many suggestions for you at this point. One thing I'd suggest to not to hit him or throw things at him when you are angry. That'll only make things worse. That doesn't mean that you have to passively deal with his anger. I think it'd be better if you live separately for a little while and work through individual and couple's counseling. I think you do need mediation to communicate with each other at this point.


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## Casual Observer

Asterix said:


> @CantSitStill I don't think I have many suggestions for you at this point. One thing I'd suggest to not to hit him or throw things at him when you are angry. That'll only make things worse. That doesn't mean that you have to passively deal with his anger. I think it'd be better if you live separately for a little while and work through individual and couple's counseling. I think you do need mediation to communicate with each other at this point.


A woman throwing things at her husband, hitting him... what position does that leave her husband? Her husband may have been taught that physical violence is to be met with physical violence in return. At the same time he knows it's wrong to ever strike a woman. It's a terrible place to put a spouse. It's taking advantage of a situation in which you know there's a line that he can't cross, yet the woman can do so without fear. Or it could be seen as a provocation. She wants to be struck back, but for what purpose? To set him up? To confuse him? Is it all a power trip?

Violence from the wife towards her husband should not be seen that differently, in its abhorrent nature, than violence from a man against a woman. Whatever got her there has to be dealt with, seriously, NOW. It can't be explained away. I doubt that it's something that should ever be dealt with without outside help.


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## CantSitStill

Casual Observer said:


> Not that I’ve EVER heard my spouse say “Why aren’t you over this yet? You’re the one who needs help, not me.”
> 
> The betraying spouse (betrayal is tied more to honesty and integrity than a sexual act) does not get it. They’ve often had years and years of rationalizing, compartmentalizing what they did. It’s normal to them. And it was their CHOICE. Not the case for the betrayed.


Never told him to get over it. Just to stop tormenting me. But so much said in this thread that people are not of any understanding. So many things have happened. Ok I have permanent brain damage 
My concern is more about my brain getting worse. I'm regessing. I was doing quite well. Last MRI says either small vessel disease or MS. But I waa angry and acting this way in the nursing home. I am more concerned about my own health at this point. Time to take rhis thread down. Too many people on here do not know much about my near death experience being on life support last April with my organs shutting down. Just reading all of this is making me angry


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