# Husband told his family my pesonal business how to i trust again



## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

Just before christams i decided to start to see a counciller to try and deal with some of the things that i have had to deal with from my past, this for me was such a huge step and he knew how hard and private it was for me, i am not an open person i tend to keep things very private and close to my heart so i wanted the chance to tell people in my own tima and only the people that I wanted to know..

I didnt attend his family ge together on boxing day because his mother has been very rude to me over the past year and i wanted him to enjoy his families company with out the worry of me feeling uncomftable, 

i later found out that he had gone behind my back and told his parents that i was depressed and thats why i didnt go to the boxing day, this was not the case and i was furious at him for telling them that as they are not someone i would have chosen to tel, a few days later i found out that he had aplogised to his mother for my behaviour and his dad had sent him several texts saying just love her support her and be there for her we ( all his family)know what she is going thru and its not easy...he didnt tel me he txt this i had to read it on his phone... i dont normally check his things but i thought it was odd that i was all of a suddern getting txts from his family saying hope ur doing ok... 

Last week i got a letter in the mail from his grandmother saying she supports me thru depressin and a whole lot of other stuff that only hubby knew, i am so hurt by the fact that yet again he hid the fact he spoke to someone and told them EVERYTHING about me and the stuff im dealing with..

how do i get over this hurt and sense of betrayl????


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think you ought to write his family back and let them know that you appreciate their concerns but let them know why you didnt come and that it has nothing to do with depression. Tell them you apologize that you have to be the one to tell them your H is a liar and tries to placate them. 

My H has also told things to my MIL that was way out of line. i was so embarrassed when i found the emails between them. I emailed his mom directly and confronted my H immediately. Im not very good at holding how i feel inside.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

BLANCA... thank you for your reply... i have spoken to my mother in law in regards to that the infomation she was given about me not visiting on boxing day was incorrect and i am glad now that she knows the reason why i wasnt there.

I am attending councilling as i said earlier and yesterday my husband came along with me and we spoke about the incident with his parents, it was so very hard to see him talk about it because he was so remorseful for doing it and explained that the only reason he didnt tell his parents the truth was because he didnt want to upset his mother, this annoyed me at first because i thought "well thats just great as apparently its easier to hurt me" but i think i understand now he did it in the hopes of making his mum back off me for a while it just came out wrong.

At the end of the day now they know i am attending councilling and why i cant change that i just have to learn to forgive my husband which is someting i have never been good at and am struggling with as i DONT want to argue or have resentment


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## 40jane (Dec 8, 2010)

There is a positive side to this....your husband loves you enough to be concerned, he didn't know the right thing to do with your feelings, and you have his families support. 

Don't you hate the "But"...he made excuses for why you didn't come to not look bad, he jeopardized your trust, now you have to deal with a whole family who knows your business (incorrectly).

This is not your problem to fix...it is your husbands, he needs to go back to his family and tell them that he did not tell them the correct info and that it is between the two of you, he needs to earn your trust back..which will take time and I would not share with him until you can.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

40jane said:


> There is a positive side to this....your husband loves you enough to be concerned, he didn't know the right thing to do with your feelings, and you have his families support.
> 
> Don't you hate the "But"...he made excuses for why you didn't come to not look bad, he jeopardized your trust, now you have to deal with a whole family who knows your business (incorrectly).


40Jane.... thanks for your reply... untill yestaerday when we attending the councilling session with me to support me i would have doubted what you were saying but now i see it clearly and you are so right... he did it because he cared he just went about it the wrong way and i know from seeing him with tears in his eyes yesterday that he meant it with all his heart, so as i said before i just have to learn to forgive and of course its only day 1 so it will take time but im getting there..

I agree he did jeopardize my trust and that is soemthing he is going to have to work on getting bak, in the sense that i want to be able to trust that maybe nxt time he is in that situation he will do whats best for me and not try and wrap it in cotton wool..


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

And hey - his grandma is behind you too. 

He may be stressing out about this because like most men - we tend to be fixers. We see a problem and fix it - with this we often feel powerless and helpless because we can't fix it. 

Don't beat him up about it too much . Now if strangers from the pub walk up to you and start talking about - well then yes there is a problem. Family is there to help for the most part and those in the family that don't - tha'ts their problem!


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your in laws seem nice and caring ppl, so if you are being a cold daughter-in -law, and they still concern about you, they're good ppl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

POWERBAIN... thanks for your reply..

I do agree with what you said about family being there to help, the problem i have is that he told his family, normally this would be fine but in the past year and half we have been having some pretty serious issues with his side and we have had very min. contact in this time, it got to the point where for 2 days we attended a family thing on his side and not once did his mother speak to me...

so i was upset that he choose to tell people things that they had no right to know.

i now see what he was trying to do and i am working on forgiving, and we are doing ok so that is good


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

MSLONLEY.... thanks for the reply... i am interested to know where you got the infomation that my inlaws are nice people... now i am not saying that they are not as i know they can be, but what i am saying is i think that there was no bases to say that i was being a cold person in saying that of course everyone is welcome to their say...

I know they can be nice, but over the past year and half, my MIL has been extreamly rude to me for no reason, she has excluded my children from so many things and not bothered to come to family events, however on the other grandchildren side she is at every single one...
At one point not so long ago we spent 2 days with his extended family and not once did she say anything to me even when i said hello... would you describe this as nice caring people or cold?

i am not saying that i am innocent as i know i am not and i know that i am not being a "cold mother in law" but i have made an effort and recieved nothing in return, hence the reason i feel strongly that they had no right to know my personal things when they have choosen to not be in my our lives..

is this wrong? i look forward to your reply.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

arbm said:


> i just have to learn to forgive my husband which is someting i have never been good at and am struggling with as i DONT want to argue or have resentment


just give it some time. its been about 4 or 5 yrs since the incident with my MIL and im completely over it. she's still horrible and says nasty things about me to my H, but i just let it go now because my H does not engage anymore. he has better boundaries with her which helps with the healing process. if your H is really remorseful then things will improve and slowly you will forgive and move on.


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