# The blind leading the blind



## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

Hi everyone. So I’ve been married three years now and our sex life has been pretty awful the entire three years. I’m going to be completely honest here because I haven’t been completely honest with anyone about all our issues (because they’re pretty touchy) and I’m feeling lost. Sorry in advance for the long post.

We dated for about 2 years prior to marriage and we had a decent sex life then. There was room for improvement, but we had sex a few times a week and it was mutually enjoyable.

Now we have sex a few times a month and it’s mainly to conceive. My husband really wants a kid and I’ve agreed… although I do wonder if we’re doing the right thing seeing as I’m not thrilled where we are at sexually.

Things are pretty complicated though, my husband has gained weight since getting married (about 20 lbs, I’d say) and he has low T now. The doctor thinks most likely secondary to excessive weight (he’s 6’0’’ and 235 lbs, so not ginormous but not small either. He was more like 210 when we got together). He will be seeing an endocrinologist soon to discuss further.

So he really doesn't want sex that often, which is a little depressing to me. He has even told me he thinks he would be fine to have sex once every few months, if that. Which was how often we were having sex right after we got married until I broke down and told him I couldn’t deal with it anymore. Now he recognizes that would be awful for me and so he does initiate more often than that. He hardly even masturbates, maybe once every few months. I know it’s probably not healthy, but I do get a lot of self-value from being desired sexually and when my own husband doesn’t want me then…well. Self-esteem plummets!

As for me, I’ve stayed in shape and continue to work out regularly. But I’m not a perfect partner by any means, I have a real problem with initiating sex. I tend to be a little too passive about things which is something I’m working on. But between me not initiating sex and him not wanting sex we just.. never have sex! Right now we’re sitting at twice a month. If we weren’t TTC, I would say maybe once a month would be average, which is up from the once every 3-4 months it was before. It does make me somewhat bitter we’re having sex more now that we’re TTC – my husband really wants to be a dad (and I think he’ll make a great dad) but I wish he also wanted a good sex life. 

Finally, just to make things more complicated, I do have a sexual abuse history – I was raped by an adult when I was a kid, which probably screwed up my wiring at least a little, although I like to pretend it didn’t. I eventually told my mom about it but I never went to therapy or anything, she couldn’t afford it. I am now in counseling as an adult, although I haven’t mentioned my abuse history or marriage issues to my counselor (going more for anxiety issues). I only mention my abuse history here because I made the mistake of telling my husband about it and maybe it’s all in my head, but I feel like he’s never been quite the same sexually towards me since. He has told me he feels like he needs permission to have sex with me which we never had an issue with when dating??? And I’ve never once turned him down or insinuated that he made me do something I didn’t want to do. So I think maybe that got in his head a little. Also he had told me when we were dating that with his previous partner they would role play and they did like a rape role play thing because she wanted to and he found it fun, as in maybe something we could try. His first reaction to me telling him about my past was being horrified he’d ever mentioned that to me. I wasn’t even offended by it at all, because to me a violent act towards a child is obviously completely different from a sexual fantasy role play between two consenting adults, but he won’t even talk about it now. So I’ve screwed that one up. 

Also, we’re a young married couple and not experienced sexually. He had one other sexual partner and no others. He also has an issue with premature ejaculation that I think makes him feel self-conscious about having sex in the first place. He can maybe last a minute but never any longer. Usually more like under 30 seconds. He doesn’t watch porn. But this never bothered me that much, I don’t get off from penetration usually anyway. I prefer good foreplay and a vibrator, but he has never been that crazy about my vibrator. I think he resents it. But it takes sooooo long to get off without it and he’s never gotten me off without a vibrator. 

So to sum it up, the main issues blocking our sexual success:
1)	low T/overweight
2)	sexual abuse history
3)	premature ejaculation
4)	general self-confidence issues

Listed out, I feel like we’re screwed. Or definitely not screwed. Whatever. Anyway, he’s going to start working out again (after me pushing him to, not so much because he wants to) and he is following up with his endocrinologist, so that’s a start. As for the other stuff, I was thinking maybe seeing a sex therapist together? I’ve never tried a sex therapist and have zero idea what to expect from one, but I thought it would be worth it, especially given my concerns with how he might be reacting to my past.

For the girls – tips on how to be more aggressive with initiating? It’s hard for me to put myself out there, especially since I know he probably isn’t really into it anyway, which gets in my head a bit. I know I am a desirable female, since I still get hit on quite a bit if I go out by myself. So I try not to be self-conscious. But beyond having lingerie on when he comes home, there’s not a whole lot that crosses my mind as creatively initiating sex. Other than just jumping on him, which I guess works too.

From the guys – is there anything I can do to make sex more enjoyable for him? He has said that the premature ejaculation issue takes away his enjoyment to some extent because it’s over so quickly. Also any ideas on things your women do to initiate sex that you particularly like? Also, I sometimes wonder if I emasculate him. I don’t try to, I’m a pretty passive person, but I got my master’s while we were married and now I make twice as much as him. I think this bothers him a lot, but I don't know what to do about it. He has said he is thinking of looking into degree options for advancement in his field, which would make as much or more than I do now, so maybe he’ll figure it out for himself? I don’t know how much that sort of thing truly bothers guys. 

Overall, I think we have a loving marriage. He’s a great guy, very loyal, helps me a lot, etc etc all the things Cosmo claims are needed (sarcasm). And it means a lot to me that he’s willing to initiate sex more often than he really wants it just to make me happy, even if it’s not nearly as often as I want it. I know it’s my problem that I need to initiate more, because he’s said he doesn’t think he’d ever turn me down unless he just can’t perform for whatever reason. He has gained weight, which I think does affect my attraction to him unfortunately, which has also made it hard to imagine initiating sex more and just enjoying sex in general. But something I will work on. And he’s supposed to start working out, so we’ll see how that goes.

Does the plan to follow up with an endocrinologist and possibly a sex therapist sound decent? I’ve brought it up and he said he would go to the sex therapist if I wanted, although he wasn't sure it would be helpful. He thinks therapy is stupid (his words) but he is willing to go. I can’t imagine it could hurt at this point. Any other suggestions? Does this sound reasonable or have we dropped off into loony tunes land without realizing it? Are we a lost cause? I do feel like all these issues have made us somewhat more distant. Lack of regular doses of oxytocin may be slowly killing us.

Maybe I’ve at least made someone else feel better about their situation if nothing else :laugh::crying:

Thanks in advance for reading.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

1) You need to tell your counselor about your sex abuse history.

2) Some kind of sex therapy for the two of you.

3) He needs to follow up with the Endo on his low T. And he needs to lose weight. I'm 5'10 under 150lbs, so not much shorter but only 2/3rds his weight, and I'm very much an average build (at least what used to be average in decades past). Even at 210 he was big unless he was a muscular serious athlete.

I don't think you can understand how the CSA affected you, nor how perhaps he worries about harming you now that he knows of your history. This topic really needs to be out in the open with both your IC and then the sex therapist you two need to see. The puzzle doesn't all fit for me with what you've described. I wonder if he doesn't have a secret porn habit, or maybe something else psychological going on (some form of abuse as a child too??). Idk. Maybe the low T is fully the culprit. Does he consume alcohol or pot? If so, how much/often? Does he work 3rd shift or swing shifts? Assuming he is under age 40 his libido should be very much higher.

The PE is annoying for the man but any form of dysfunction can be greatly helped if the partner approaches it with a positive not blaming attitude. PE is possibly in fact the evolutionary choice because the male could impregnate a female quickly before being interrupted or caught by others. Sex for recreational fun really wasn't a thing in terms of evolution eons ago. Whatever the basis of it is doesn't matter. It is what it is for his body. If he gets his fun in 10 seconds, he still had his fun! The goal doesn't necessarily need to be him lasting forever. If you very much want longer intercourse then you could bring him to orgasm quickly, then when he recovers he will last much longer the second time around. A sex therapist will have all kinds of ideas and homework which should greatly help both of you have a satisfying sex life.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

As long as you are having such serious difficulties, you shouldn't be trying to conceive. The last thing you want to do is add the stress of pregnancy and an infant into a troubled marriage. 

Follow the above advice to see if you can get the marriage on track. If and only if the two of you are successful in that should you consider again trying to conceive.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Prepare yourself for a sexless marriage once the kid(s) have been conceived. If that's what you want, fine. But, I'd suggest you read some "deadbedroom" postings, google "deadbedted." There're several entire sub/reddit forums on deadbedrooms, and there's ILIASM Forum | ILIASM Forum (I Live I A Sexless Marriage). It's more complicated than just not getting any action, it's a panoply of things that totally mess you up, mess up your relationship, and screw up growing kids.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Sorry you are in this position. I just want to say that you can get out of this situation with work, both of you need to commit to it though. 

One piece of advice with initiating as a female. Circle it on your calendar or have a reminder of it. Finally, there is no problem with your frequency of sex if both of you are ok with it. When you are NOT ok with it, then there is something that needs work and addressing. 

As far as help with PE. Well, there are a lot of options. One option, is making out and sexual activity but do not make orgasm the goal. Make it about having fun and not caring if it does or doesn't happen, but if he is into it, don't necessarily cater to it. 

The one in depth question I have that I didn't really read is, how physically affectionate are both of you? Do you hold hands in public, do you make out in public, do you cuddle when everyone is watching? How about when they aren't watching?


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

If you are trying to have a child, after that happens your current sex life will be an absolute best-case scenario for at least five years. Your previous frequency (every three-four months) would be more realistic, and even then you would be lucky.

I would imagine premature ejaculation would be a major confidence-sapping issue for a man when approaching sex. No matter how strenuously you assure him it isn't an issue, it always will be. I haven't ever experienced that but if I did I doubt I would ever want to have sex again.

I wonder if wearing a condom might help that. I know I am unable to orgasm with one on, I can barely even feel if I am in or out, though I am a little abnormal in that area. If you are still trying to conceive just poke a hole in it. Might be worth a shot.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Randy Lafever said:


> If you are trying to have a child, after that happens your current sex life will be an absolute best-case scenario for at least five years. Your previous frequency (every three-four months) would be more realistic, and even then you would be lucky.
> 
> I would imagine premature ejaculation would be a major confidence-sapping issue for a man when approaching sex. No matter how strenuously you assure him it isn't an issue, it always will be. I haven't ever experienced that but if I did I doubt I would ever want to have sex again.
> 
> I wonder if wearing a condom might help that. I know I am unable to orgasm with one on, I can barely even feel if I am in or out, though I am a little abnormal in that area. If you are still trying to conceive just poke a hole in it. Might be worth a shot.


I had the exact same response (or rather, lack thereof) with a condom. It seems to me that condoms could make very effective "training wheels" for sex.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

PLEASE do not have a child until this gets sorted out. I am a walking testimony of what happens when you don't address this before kids. Spoiler: it led to almost 2 decades of lonely misery.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> PLEASE do not have a child until this gets sorted out. I am a walking testimony of what happens when you don't address this before kids. Spoiler: it led to almost 2 decades of lonely misery.


Let me echo POI's statement. My first marriage, not quite sexless but the deadfish "romps" were few and far between. Then she decided it was time to have a baby, and with mechanical precision she set to the task. Happy me! I was getting sex, albeit flatfooted missionary position sex with a purpose. One kid later, NO sex. Not even the aforementioned deadfish romps. Seven years later, it was time for another kiddo and it was deja vu all over again. 

What a chump I was. As I said in a previous post, not 22 years exactly wasted, but certainly not what I would have signed up for had I but known... The frog in the pot learns slowly. 

My advice, bail now. Find someone you're compatible with and who rocks your world...you deserve it. 

If not, regret, repent and regurgitate at your leisure.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Let's put a finer point on this whole issue of trying to conceive. Your husband doesn't seem to be very active. He passively accepts substandard in his life and does not initiate, or even seek, specific action which could fix things. He is quite possibly emasculated by your education/salary gap. But rather than close the gap, he just gives up and checks out.

So now, lets set aside the fact that you deserve someone who rocks your world, someone who is confident and can keep up with you, someone who knows he brings value to your life and your relationship together etc. 

Even if we set you aside, think of the child you might have with him. Is that the type of man you want setting the tone and raising your offspring? What if you have a boy... is this the man you want being his guide, mentor, nurturer, and example of manhood? 

Please, don't poke holes in those rubbers.


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

To answer some questions:

1. He drinks whiskey/beer a couple times a week I think. No weed or other drugs
2. We do still hug, hold hands, and kiss. Kissing is usually just a peck. But we are still affectionate outside of sex yes 

I went ahead and sent him the link to this thread to just see what he thinks. Communication and all. 

Thanks for all the responses! Very valuable to see through fresh eyes. If you have any more questions/ideas, do post!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Holdingontoit's Infamous Two Rules for Sexual Mismatch:

1. Do not get married until you have resolved your sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do NOT have kids before you have resolved your sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Sexual mismatch is more than enough reason, by itself - even if everything else is perfect, to refuse to marry someone, to refuse to have kids with someone, and to get divorced if you already married that someone. You have our permission to divorce him. It doesn't make you a bad person to dump him over the lack of sex. It makes you smart and wise. And let me tell you, it is better for HIM too. If he is smart, he will find someone who is relieved not to be pressured into having sex, and his life will be better for you having divorced him. And if he isn't that smart, at least you can be smart and let some other chump be his victim.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jimeni said:


> From the guys – is there anything I can do to make sex more enjoyable for him? He has said that the premature ejaculation issue takes away his enjoyment to some extent because it’s over so quickly. Also any ideas on things your women do to initiate sex that you particularly like? Also, I sometimes wonder if I emasculate him. I don’t try to, I’m a pretty passive person, but I got my master’s while we were married and now I make twice as much as him. I think this bothers him a lot, but I don't know what to do about it. He has said he is thinking of looking into degree options for advancement in his field, which would make as much or more than I do now, so maybe he’ll figure it out for himself? I don’t know how much that sort of thing truly bothers guys.


A couple that encourages each other careers will always be a huge plus, so alway try and push each other to keep pursuing each of your dreams. 

As for intimacy you have to let go of the notions of "wanting your spouse to want you." Instead be happy with the desire you have for your spouse and just enjoy "sharing" that with him in as many ways as you can. It takes confidence, but you can easily practice that with giving compliments to help build your spouse's confidence! 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

For guys with PE, part of the reason is because sex only happens monthly. His load is primed and ready to fire at the once a month rate. One remedy is to have sex or him to orgasm on his own, and then have sex an hour or 2 later. He will last longer. Another way is to go in and out-stop when he feels sexually excited-stop and wait until the urge to orgasam is well past (I call it soaking the penis time) and then him doing a couple of in-out strokes. Do this trying to reach a 5 minuet mark and later try to make sex last 15 minuets.

BTW lots of H's want to use a vibrator on their W so she has some good orgasms.

Yea, no kids until the sexual desire miss-match is taken care of. I can point you to 3 different forums where the woman (and men too) are ignored sexually to the point a couple of women haven't had sex with their respective husbands in almost 10 years. At first the sex happened every couple of weeks, then let 5 years go by so now at year 20 of their marriages the last time was 5, 10, or 15 years ago. These husbands earm a decent living, are great dads, do house work, some dote on the wife but when it comes to sex they have as many excuses as women do that dislike sex.

If your H is willing to talk about several things you mentioned, that is a big plus so go with that and when you are in counseling the worst thing you can do is with hold your past and your inner thoughts. Counselors have heard some really gruesome stories and they should never judge you so don't be ashamed to let it ALL out.

About your H reaction to your rape, no guy I know wants to trigger a rape victum's fears so most guys will go easy, maybe too easy (lack of taking any bold steps) and might come across as not into you or he may not be willing to take any bold steps. That is my feelings and your H could have different ideas. People are all different so your mileage will vary.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Handy said:


> For guys with PE, part of the reason is because sex only happens monthly. His load is primed and ready to fire at the once a month rate. One remedy is to have sex or him to orgasm on his own, and then have sex an hour or 2 later. He will last longer. Another way is to go in and out-stop when he feels sexually excited-stop and wait until the urge to orgasam is well past (I call it soaking the penis time) and then him doing a couple of in-out strokes. Do this trying to reach a 5 minuet mark and later try to make sex last 15 minuets.
> 
> BTW lots of H's want to use a vibrator on their W so she has some good orgasms.
> 
> ...


When I was told about my wife's rape, I backed way off, too much I am sure. Both of you need to spend time in counseling TOGETHER. Maybe have a safe word, where IF something starts to trigger you, he knows to back off. This way you both can explore each other safely. Communication is key.

Your hubby needs to hit the weights to build up his testosterone levels. Have sex at least once a week. As another poster mentioned, if he is holding out for a month, it doesn't take long at all to pop off. Or, as suggested earlier, go at it multiple times, so the second shift can work longer.

Don't have kids for now. Spend some time building your relationship up. While kids are a great blessing, they definitely mess up your sex life for a while. I also joked my kids had sibling alarms, as soon as the flag was at full staff, they would start fussing in the next room.


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

So I showed him this post and we talked about it and he agreed he didn't want us TTC if I feel this way about our relationship. So we are putting that on the backburner for now. We are talking to a sex therapist (online for now, we will see how it goes and if it would be better to see one in person) and I'm going to disclose my past to my counselor. I'm also encouraging him to at least try IC although he does not like the idea. I thought it couldn't hurt to try and it might even help, especially since I feel he has self-esteem issues. He told me he doesn't feel like he's unmotivated, he's just afraid that if he tries to do something and fails it will make it even worse. Also he told me he is convinced he is my worst sexual partner which isn't something I've ever even thought of or told him. Also I don't think that's true, anyway. I've had more sexual partners than him which I think intimidates/bothers him, but a lot of it was just promiscuity as a teen, probably due to my CSA, which I don't think he understands. But I don't feel like the failure thing is a healthy way to look at things, so I thought IC could be beneficial. But anyway, we're going to see where this takes us!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jimeni said:


> Also he told me he is convinced he is my worst sexual partner which isn't something I've ever even thought of or told him.


Another way to look at that statement is to ask yourself why he might feel that way and see if it provides you some insight:



Do you ever complain about sex (as in not enough)
Perhaps he feels responsible for your happiness or lack thereof
He may feel as if he is being judged on his performance in bed
He may only be having sex to only try and please you while ignoring his own pleasure (does not really work this way)
He may view sex as a give and take arrangement instead of a mutual sharing of pleasure

Ideally great intimacy should be about "sharing" your own pleasure with your partner without any expectations other than making sure that it is done in a moment with love and caring about each other. While there are moments in which a couple may enjoy controlling each other's pleasure, it has to be done without any expectations and often embracing moments of failure as a way to learn and know each other. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is he a Nice Guy? By that I mean overly nice. Did you pick him because he was Nice, not aggressive or dominating?


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

I've brought up sex multiple times over the course of our marriage, typically it is me sitting us down to have a conversation about it. I will say I am unhappy with the amount and wish we could be more active and that sex is important to me for emotional connection, etc etc. I don't feel like it's in a complaining manner though, I try to have a productive conversation about it because otherwise he will never bring it up. And I don't feel like I'm ever critical of his performance. I just have always kept bringing it up as a topic of discussion. Which got exhausting since nothing ever seemed to change no matter how much I tried to talk to him about it so I did get to the point where I told him I thought we should get divorced because I just didn't know what to do any more and I wasn't interested in living like this. At that time he had been unwilling to go to marriage counseling and nothing was changing with our sex life. He said he hadn't realized it was so important to me that it would make me contemplate divorce and things have been changing since then. It was like he thought I was just complaining about things before but I think he finally realized I was deeply unhappy and willing to walk away. 

And idk about the nice guy thing. I mean, he's not a jerk or I wouldn't have married him. He has his moments. I feel like if you lined him up with his friends though he would not be the one picked out to be the token 'nice guy' of the group, though. And I picked him because we usually have a good time together, have good conversations, share similar values. And we had a decent sex life when we were dating, it just crashed after marriage. And neither of us have been able to pinpoint exactly why, except that his libido vanished. We were separated for about 9 months between getting engaged and marriage due to school. We got married and moved in together and it's been different ever since then.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

In situations where the sex stopped immediately upon marriage and the guy is the one who stopped being interested, I would be very afraid that he has Madonna/prostitute syndrome: he feels that sex is something you do with low class women - not something you do with your cherished wife or God Forbid the sainted mother of your child. If that is the case, then if you have a child with him you can expect whatever sex you have to disappear. Worth exploring before you have a child together.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

I thought said colorfully named syndrome only applies to men fresh out of a religious compound...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

jimeni said:


> I've brought up sex multiple times over the course of our marriage, typically it is me sitting us down to have a conversation about it. *I will say I am unhappy with the amount and wish we could be more active and that sex is important to me* for emotional connection, etc etc. I don't feel like it's in a complaining manner though, I try to have a productive conversation about it because otherwise he will never bring it up. And I don't feel like I'm ever critical of his performance. I just have always kept bringing it up as a topic of discussion. Which got exhausting since nothing ever seemed to change no matter how much I tried to talk to him about it so I did get to the point where I told him I thought we should get divorced because I just didn't know what to do any more and I wasn't interested in living like this. At that time he had been unwilling to go to marriage counseling and nothing was changing with our sex life. He said he hadn't realized it was so important to me that it would make me contemplate divorce and things have been changing since then. It was like he thought I was just complaining about things before but I think he finally realized I was deeply unhappy and willing to walk away.


I have had similar problems in my marriage as my wife has zero desire. So when I would have conversations about wanting intimacy more often she would feel as though it was a complaint. I was making her feel as though she would never be enough for me and her self esteem plummeted with her claiming to be totally inadequate. 

So you have to look at sex from a perspective of self validation, and in particular try to determine what your husband finds validating about sex and help work on improvement from that. 

In my marriage I changed and started complimenting my wife by saying that our intimacy together was so incredible that it made me want more, and that in no way should she feel bad about that. I also manage my arousal levels so that when the moment for intimacy happens that no matter what she does that pretty much anything will work which makes it very very easy for her to please me. I also make it a point to attribute my arousal to her in an honest way. In the past she could accuse me of just having arbitrary urges and wanting to use her, but that has now changed. I do make it a point to tell her the things about her that I find arousing and she finds this very validating and responds well to it. I also try to mix in some self decrepitating humor for me being way over confident of my ability to please her.

So now those conversations are perceived by her as me making a little fun of myself to get her to laugh and then complimenting her as a loving wife for putting up with me all these years. In this way I am not pressuring her for more intimacy, I am just trying to be grateful of all the improvements we have made together and that I enjoy us working together as a team. 

Hopefully you can get to that type of place emotionally when you have conversations with your husband about wanting more intimacy. It often gets worse before you find ways to help it get better. It may help if you follow a few golden rules:


Never debate about sex when aroused
Try to keep a good sense of humor
Only approach challenging topics after a good meal and you both feel satisfied from it

Regards,
Badsanta


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

Holdingontoit said:


> In situations where the sex stopped immediately upon marriage and the guy is the one who stopped being interested, I would be very afraid that he has Madonna/prostitute syndrome: he feels that sex is something you do with low class women - not something you do with your cherished wife or God Forbid the sainted mother of your child. If that is the case, then if you have a child with him you can expect whatever sex you have to disappear. Worth exploring before you have a child together.


I have never heard of that. Kind've creepy lol. An interesting point, though. But I don't think that's his issue, we both grew up with very little religious influence in our lives. We are spiritual but do not go to church regularly. Or, well, ever. I would think that sort of thing would be more common in super religious people?

I've actually thought about possible reasons for the drastic change a lot. Here are what I've come up with:

1. I told him about my CSA a few months before we got married. I was never planning on telling him about it. But I felt like due to some underlying issues I had to. I wanted to give him the chance to walk away, I guess.

2. We had never lived together before marriage. We spent all our time at each others houses but just due to school and moving, we didn't actually live together until marriage. It did take some time for us to adjust to living together, so I don't know if that played a role.

3. He moved to be with me when we were married and left behind all of his college friends. We have since had to move twice. He was working whereas I was in school a lot during the moves so I had a sort of ready-made social group at school but he would only have a friend or two he talks to casually at work. He was in a fraternity so I think he misses being as social as he was. I've wondered if he was depressed. Or mildly sad. Idk. I have encouraged him to pursue IC

4. Maybe his testosterone didn't drop until after we got married (this is when he gained weight, so it would make sense)

5. Bait and switch? lol

6. He cheated on me or thinks I cheated on him while we were apart? This is really out of left field but who knows

But even while we were apart he was very active sexually, as in asking me to send him nudes, videos of me masturbating, etc and sending me ones of him. I felt like I had the lower sex drive until after we got married. It was so weird how everything just screeched to a halt when we got married. I still don't understand it. He says he doesn't understand it. I'm not convinced he doesn't know why and just doesn't want to tell me. We'll see how things go, I suppose.


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## jimeni (Aug 26, 2018)

badsanta said:


> I have had similar problems in my marriage as my wife has zero desire. So when I would have conversations about wanting intimacy more often she would feel as though it was a complaint. I was making her feel as though she would never be enough for me and her self esteem plummeted with her claiming to be totally inadequate.
> 
> So you have to look at sex from a perspective of self validation, and in particular try to determine what your husband finds validating about sex and help work on improvement from that.
> 
> ...


These are all good points. It has always been hard for me to know how to approach these conversations. It's nice to hear that you and your wife are doing better  Thank you for your tips!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Maybe he thinks your desire for sex is some symptom of unresolved issues from the CSA? Maybe he thinks that you don't "really" want sex as much as you say you do, but are being "promiscuous" as a result of the CSA?

Or maybe he was only turned on by the chase, and now that he "has" you he is not motivated to put in the effort to have good mutually satisfying sex with you?

I think when men stop having sex shortly after marriage, there is a strong psychological reason they are averse to sex. Any chance he was a victim of CSA and he hasn't admitted it?


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