# What's my next step?



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

My wife of 10 years has now told me that "she loves me, but is not in love with me", you know the type of stuff you say when you are in the "fog". I admit to doing many things wrong in the relationship, but that does not condone what she's doing. I confronted her about a dating website, explicit text messages and such, and she just got more furious saying that i pushed her there due to my emotional neglect. I have since recently moved out and now recognize that my pleading and things probably didn't help the situation. She told me she wanted a divorce last night but after talking with her more, we decided that we would just separate for awhile allowing her to "hang out" with other men, including myself, hoping to rekindle that love that was once there. I now regret that decision and I want to know what should my next step be. Please chime in. I've read throught the 7 Steps to ending an affair and I'm leaning towards the consequences letter or the legal separation. I've also, knowing that I've handled this wrong from the beginning, thought about the disclosure or exposure steps. I'm not sure she would listen to anyone at this point. I've seen where people are talking about plan a or plan b, but i haven't seen these plans spelled out anywhere. Also, there is our 7 year old daughter who is still with the DS. What do you guys think?


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## Tanelornpete (Feb 2, 2010)

Hi Mark -

Those seven steps build upon one another - with the exception of the fifth step (learning how you can create and destroy love in your spouse, and taking steps to do the one and end the other) you can't effectively use them without moving linearly through them. At least, that's been my experience over the past few years. 

It may well be that she won't listen to anyone else - but there is a chance that she might. Regardless, the effect is the same: she hears a reinforcement of what is a moral action. Sher is always free to choose the immoral opposite. Keep this in mind, as well - any news of her behavior is seen from one of two viewpoints: the marriage's (and hopefully yours) or the affairs. Information spread in the "fog" is distorted, and if that is the only information that her family, your family, her friends, your friends, etc., receive, it will be slanted away from her marriage, and without the marriage's side of the issue, most people will tend to balance their views based upon the only bias available. 

So i suggest that you start at the beginning - at least, confront her (step 2) - even if she thinks you are completely off your rocker (it probably feels like that anyway) - that is like the whistle starting the ball game. She needs to know the marriage is there, available for her - all she has to do is stop hurting it.

Remember to never argue, threaten, beg, plead, etc. Simply state facts and move from step to step. 

As for Plan A and Plan B - those correspond to Step 5 and 6.

The seven steps.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I confronted my wife about what she has been doing and she said that she didn't want to stop. I told her I would not accept it and she says that's fine because she'd lost her willingness to stay committed to the relationship. I told her I could not accept the blame for what she was doing. I confessed that I had made many mistake, and that I was willing to work them out with her through counseling but she said she couldn't do it anymore and that she would procede to start the divorce process. It felt good. On to step 3.


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