# My boyfriend and his female friend



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

Hi all,

I have been with my boyfriend for 2 years and we are in our early twenties. He has a friend who he met just before he met me, when we started seeing each other they were not very close. From about 6 months into the relationship i noticed her name quite a bit through social media and in his phone (Not stalking, just noticing over his shoulder). 

This friendship became quite close towards the one year mark. They saw each other in friendship groups and began to see each other alone. They went for 'drives in his car' and to local fast food outlets other than hanging out in pubs and clubs in groups. I began to notice she contacted him quite a bit through social media and texting. I told him that it bugged me a little she contacted him so often. He palmed it off as no big deal. All of a sudden she was contacting him daily and they were hanging out more than him and i hung out. They even went to the drive ins together!!!!

I became very upset at this point and told him this friendship was very uncomfortable for me and was crossing the line in certain aspects. We had a huge fight, he told her and she got angry at me as well. She blocked me from facebook and im still blocked to this day! (She had always been pleasant to me before this btw). She has shown in so many ways that she likes him but he rejects that. I came to the point where i wanted him to not have contact with her at all (yes i know i cant control his friendships etc). We ended up fighting for a few weeks about it and he was willing to make sacrifices for me such as seeing me more etc. I still wasn't happy at this point. He then got to the point where he told her they couldnt be friends, they had a massive fight and didnt speak for 2 months. One night he was bored while i was at work and messaged her to meet up as i found out through a friend. He did not tell me this and lied when i asked him what he did that night. I then became upset because he promised he would do that for me but went back on his word and in turn lied to me. I realised then that i couldnt control what he does and that he has made moderate sacrifices for me so why should i not do it for him? 

It has been a few moths since then and ive communicated to him that im still upset with how i was treated by both of them. He is reassuring that he is not attracted to her whatsoever and i have nothing to worry about at all. I believe he wouldnt cheat on me because he knows the pain of being cheated on himself. He has morals and respect too which makes me feel a bit better. 

They are now only hanging out rarely, maybe once a month and im still blocked on facebook by her. I feel now i have much resentment in this relationship but im still very much inlove with him. 

Im convinced by her actions that she likes him very much and im scared he's emotionally attached to this woman and enjoys the 'attention'. I agree she is unattractive however they get on well and have the same interests. She is saved in his mobile as a guy friends name when i went snooping and he fails to tell me when they hang out. He says so i dont become upset yeah right just to save his arse!

He wants his cake and to eat it too? Or am i the irrational and controlling girlfriend?:scratchhead:

Should i be still worried that he will develop emotional feelings for her? Will she cling onto him forever?


----------



## AsTheStoryGoes (Oct 10, 2012)

I don't think you're being irrational, especially if he's hanging out more with her than you. I would be upset too.. the fact that he's being sneaky about it isn't okay either. If he really cares about YOU, he'd be honest with you. He should be allowed to have whoever he wants as a friend, but it sounds like he's taken it a step too far...or wants to. I don't think you've been unreasonable, you haven't forbidden him to have any contact with her whatsoever. But he betrayed your trust..I think at this point he should stop all contact with her. If it's affecting your relationship this much, he needs to make a choice. If he had been honest with you and hadn't gotten all sneaky, then it wouldn't still be a problem. The bad is on him.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

AsTheStoryGoes said:


> I don't think you're being irrational, especially if he's hanging out more with her than you. I would be upset too.. the fact that he's being sneaky about it isn't okay either. If he really cares about YOU, he'd be honest with you. He should be allowed to have whoever he wants as a friend, but it sounds like he's taken it a step too far...or wants to. I don't think you've been unreasonable, you haven't forbidden him to have any contact with her whatsoever. But he betrayed your trust..I think at this point he should stop all contact with her. If it's affecting your relationship this much, he needs to make a choice. If he had been honest with you and hadn't gotten all sneaky, then it wouldn't still be a problem. The bad is on him.


Thank you for your reply!! He doesn't see her very often now and it's usually in a group however he still insists on seeing her alone occasionally which upsets me! He says I'm controlling him and pigeon holing him into doing this but she should want to do it to make me comfortable again. 
I know he lies but I do see its because I have previously gotten angry when he mentioned it so he avoids telling me now 
I want to be able to trust him again and don't want him to have to lie to me.
It's been a while since I've mentioned the whole thing and I'm feeling a bit better however this scenario still plays over and over in my head!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

*Sunset* said:


> Thank you for your reply!! He doesn't see her very often now and it's usually in a group however he still insists on seeing her alone occasionally which upsets me! He says I'm controlling him and pigeon holing him into doing this but she should want to do it to make me comfortable again.
> I know he lies but I do see its because I have previously gotten angry when he mentioned it so he avoids telling me now
> I want to be able to trust him again and don't want him to have to lie to me.
> It's been a while since I've mentioned the whole thing and I'm feeling a bit better however this scenario still plays over and over in my head!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The lies are the killer in this scenario, how can you ever trust him!


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sunset--dump him STAT. 

You said they were not close but only grew close WHILE you were having a relationship with him. Going to dinner, drive-ins, drinking together and lying about it to you means they were "dating." Those are the things you do when you are dating someone. Their relationship is completely inappropriate. If she were a better woman she would have totally backed off. Bl-cking you from her FB was a complete and total b*tchy move. She has boundary issues but guess what--so does your "boyfriend." He does not respect you enough to have a mature, committed relationship. Talking daily and texting? Hanging out more than he does with you? (Even if that curtailed since the big fight you had-it's completely inappropriate).

You are not happy with the status quo. And you will never trust their relationship. And with good reason. So I say dump him and never have any contact with him again. He is not the one for you.

I recently dated a guy who is best friends with his ex girlfriend (who is married!) They speak & text daily, sometimes even while he and I were out on dates they'd be texting! They go to lunch & hang all the time. We had to end it cause that was not going to work for me. I later found out it has caused massive problems in both her marriage and relationships he's had. 

You are not the weird one. They are. Let her have him. You deserve so much better. Cut this zero and find a hero!

Tell him: "Boyfriend--this relationship isn't working for me. We have very different views about relationships and what it means to be in one. Our boundaries are very different. I don't think we should see eachother anymore." If he presses, then yes, explain to him very clearly. (but don't go crazy, be emotionless—the calmer you are, the better, tell him: " I feel your relationship with X is inappropriate and the fact that you've lied to me about things before makes me not want to see you anymore. I want to be with someone who doesn't lie to me." That's it. You don't have to justify anything any further. Dump him and carry on with your life. No contact, ok?

You have already spent 2 years (omg) in this fvckery and foolishness so GET OUT NOW so you don't waste any more time!


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

tom67 said:


> The lies are the killer in this scenario, how can you ever trust him!


I know and im feeling so much resentment towards him for not handling this in a 'mature' way (neither did I at the start however I now understand where he's coming from)... He is lying to not hurt my feelings however its having more of a negative effect on me. I've told him I'd rather the truth and it hurts more if he's lied! 

Btw the previous link I don't agree with! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

kipani said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/49802-pointers-ladies.html


Yep--read that thead, Sunset.

Your gut is spot on.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Sunset* said:


> Btw the previous link I don't agree with!


Suit yourself. But it goes right in line with what your entire thread topic is about. I actually never believed any of that stuff until about a year ago.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Once someone starts lying to you about another woman, no, you really cannot trust him anymore.

It's up to you if that's how you want to live or not. Personally, I would not accept that and would break up with him. 

Life is too short to waste on lying liars who lie, and on people who choose to preserve a new opposite sex friendship over the health of their own romantic relationship. He's made his choice. You don't have to stick around letting him have his cake and eat it too.


----------



## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Ohhh its true sunset, we've all found out the hard way!


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Sunset--dump him STAT.
> 
> You said they were not close but only grew close WHILE you were having a relationship with him. Going to dinner, drive-ins, drinking together and lying about it to you means they were "dating." Those are the things you do when you are dating someone. Their relationship is completely inappropriate. If she were a better woman she would have totally backed off. Bl-cking you from her FB was a complete and total b*tchy move. She has boundary issues but guess what--so does your "boyfriend." He does not respect you enough to have a mature, committed relationship. Talking daily and texting? Hanging out more than he does with you? (Even if that curtailed since the big fight you had-it's completely inappropriate).
> 
> ...


Thanks jellybeans but she is not an x there is no history what so ever. I agree that if there was I'd be out straight away, no doubt! Who am I though to control his friends though? If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat whether I try and stop it or not I see! He's not the cheating type at all he's been through it and wouldn't want to see me hurt...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Sunset* said:


> Thanks jellybeans but she is not an x there is no history what so ever. I agree that if there was I'd be out straight away, no doubt! Who am I though to control his friends though? If he's going to cheat he's going to cheat whether I try and stop it or not I see! He's not the cheating type at all he's been through it *and wouldn't want to see me hurt...*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


*Yet, you are already hurt.* You've been hurt for a long time. HE hurt you and is continuing to hurt you. He sees that you are hurt and doesn't care enough to stop doing what hurts you.


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

norajane said:


> *Yet, you are already hurt.* You've been hurt for a long time. HE hurt you and is continuing to hurt you. He sees that you are hurt and doesn't care enough to stop doing what hurts you.


True, he is being selfish! But isn't it selfish of me to tell him to end a friendship or provide him with an ultimatum?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I know she is not an ex. I was just posting my own story since I believe there is a commonality: the guy you are with has a too-close relationship with another female, spend lots of time with her, texts daily, etc. 

You asked who you are to control his friends--you aren't anyone to control anything. But you are someone who has her own boundaries and what she will and will not tolerate in a relationship. People are going to do whatever they want (and your boyfriend is going to do what he wants as he has shown you).But that doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. You have a choice, too, just as he does. Fromw hat you have said--this isn't working for you. So either you can accept the status quo (which, by your admission, is making you miserable) or you can cut this guy loose & have a new beginning.

Nobody ever thinks their partner is the "cheating" type.That is a fact. 

This is about boundaries. Your boyfriend has very loose boundaries AND he does not respect you enough to "get it."


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*Sunset* said:


> True, he is being selfish! But isn't it selfish of me to tell him to end a friendship or provide him with an ultimatum?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look, it's clear you are trying to rationalize what he does away in order to make you feel better about staying with him.

The fact is you came on here posting about how uncomfortable this makes you and how fvcked up it is that he has this inappropriate relationship with this chick and he's lied to you about in the past before. 

Now you want to downplay it. 

Do what you like. But I can guarantee you will never be happy with him. So you can either choose to stay "unhappy" in a relationship where your needs aren't being met and you're being disrespected or you can actually do something and walk away. Before you waste another 2 yrs of your life you will never get back.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Sunset* said:


> True, he is being selfish! But isn't it selfish of me to tell him to end a friendship or provide him with an ultimatum?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If YOU don't look out for yourself, no one will. You already have much evidence that your boyfriend is NOT looking out for you, and doesn't have enough respect or love for you to care that he is hurting you. He isn't just being selfish - he is being hurtful and mean.

It's not an ultimatum to stand up for yourself. "I do not want to be in a relationship where I am constantly hurt and upset. I do not want to be in a relationship where I spend much of my time worrying about lies and another woman."

If someone can't be a friend to your relationship, then she is not a "friend". This isn't some friend he's had for 20 years that you are asking him to give up. This is some skank he met recently who blocked you on FB so she could more easily screw you over. And your so-called bf is ok with that.

I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I'd just break up with him already. You've been dealing with this for 2 years - you ALREADY know that this is f*cked up and he isn't going to change anything for you.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

norajane said:


> If someone can't be a friend to your relationship, then she is not a "friend". This isn't some friend he's had for 20 years that you are asking him to give up. This is some skank he met recently who blocked you on FB so she could more easily screw you over. And your so-called bf is ok with that.
> 
> I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. I'd just break up with him already. You've been dealing with this for 2 years - you ALREADY know that this is f*cked up and he isn't going to change anything for you.


Haha. Spoken like a champ!

Haha. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum either. I'd just say "This relationship isn't working for me as-is. You have one view of relationships and I have another. It's best we do not see eachother anymore." 

If he asks, then tell him you're not down with what he's doing (which you have in the past). Make it really un-emotional. It's not an ultimatum at all--it's you bowing out. My guess is, even if he were to stop hanging w/ this other chick--do you REALLY want to be with a guy who you can't trust; who doesn't respect you enough to make clear lines in the sand with outsiders; with someone who's lied to you repeatedly?; with someone who puts the blame onto you when he is the one acting like a d!ck? Really? You want to be thta guy? You have so much resentment for him that you'll never be happy with him at this point, is my guess.

When you're finally out of this relationship, you will look ack in 2-3-6 months and think "What was I thinking? This guy clearly had a ton of lying/boundary issues. Ewwww."


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Haha. Spoken like a champ!
> 
> Haha. I wouldn't give him an ultimatum either. I'd just say "This relationship isn't working for me as-is. You have one view of relationships and I have another. It's best we do not see eachother anymore."
> 
> ...


Thanks guys I know I'm in denial right now...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, acknowledging you have a problem is the first step


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

*Sunset* said:


> Thanks guys I know I'm in denial right now...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


For us, it's easy to be objective. For you, feelings are involved, so that's harder. 

Baby steps. You deserve a lot better than this kind of relationship. Take the baby steps you need and get yourself out so you can find a man who treats you well and doesn't make you feel anxious all the time.


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

It's not about controlling his friends, it's absolutely about him respecting you and your relationship. He obviously does not.

I agree with Jelly. 

Why are you so afraid to have clear boundaries and follow through?

You are supposed to be the most important person to him, but he has shown he will cross you and lie to you in a heart beat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sunset - your BF has two girlfriends. How nice for him.

He lies to you and hides that he is seeing her. Never ever good in a relationship. How do you trust him from now on?

She has blocked you on FB... she is no friend of your relationship.

I think you are being way too nice and reasonable.

I also would hate to feel a need to ask my hubby for a friendship to end.....but my relationship is worth a bit of 'feeling bad'

Follow you gut instinct... it's probably correct!


----------



## *Sunset* (Oct 18, 2012)

I do feel we have both lost a lot of respect for each-other. if I get my way he will end up resenting me for ruining another one of his girl-friendships, yes his ex had the same problem with quite a few girls an I understand why she was like that now! 
I need to gain my respect back because I class respect as one of the things that make or break a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

waiwera said:


> Sunset - your BF has two girlfriends. How nice for him.


Boom! Exactly!



*Sunset* said:


> I do feel we have both lost a lot of respect for each-other. if I get my way he will end up resenting me for ruining another one of his girl-friendships]


This isn't about "getting your way," Sunset. It's about respecting yourself. Cause he doesn't respect you, your boundaries or your relationship. Not enough to be ones twith you, to prioritze you, to stop playing games. 

When you've had enough, the realization will come to you. Of what you are in -- a relationship on his terms; what he wants; how you sacrifice your needs/wants/boundaries in order to placate him, to keep walking on little eggshells in order to keep him--all at the same time not feeling comfortable at all with him. 

That's hardly a "relationship."

you will walk. You don't seem like you ar ready for that hough.



*Sunset* said:


> yes his ex had the same problem with quite a few girls an I understand why she was like that now!


Ah... so a pattern emerges. Sounds like his ex was smart in dumping him. He clearly has boundary issues. 

The guy I was dating, besties with his ex--he also told me the same--that the last girlf he had dumped him because of his too- close relationship with his ex-girl/female friend. Gee. I wonder why. 

It's not about you, darling. It's about him. He wants to do what he wants, when he wants, even if that means lying to you, even if that means having his cake and eating it, too.

Once you realize you can drop the rope with him, you will feel much better. Once ou realize "I don't even have to be dealing with this," you will walk. Until then, expect the same. 

So many people stay in relationships that are unsatisfying. It's sad. You will never meet a guy who could meet your needs while you are with this one. Fact.


----------

