# Lots of issues or problems in the bedroom



## marriedfor8years (Mar 25, 2014)

Hello, my husband and I have been married for 8 years now. We have been together over 10 years. I have known my husband and his family since I was a young teenager. I've known him for a total of 16 years at least. In the last two years our marriage and our relationship has changed tremendously! We are both really private people when it comes to our sex life, but I have to share this with some one because I am just so frustrated!
At first about a year or so ago he mentioned to me that I had become distant sexually with him I apologized and tried to be a little more sensitive to his needs. Well needless to say the tables have now turned. He isn't interested in me at all anymore! I have talked to him on numerous occasions until I am blue in the face and nothing has changed. His excuse is that he doesn't feel attractive or want to be intimate because he's too big and has gained a lot of weight. He has fluctuated with his weight most of his life. He has been on the heavy side before and it never stopped him before. 
Although, I do notice that he is also depressed a lot these days so I guess that plays a big role in it as well. I even flat out told him that i'm about ready to buy a toy due to the fact that he has lost all interest in sex doesn't mean that I have. It's one of the best stress relievers! Yes we have children and a busy life like everyone else in the world, but I feel it still shouldn't stop him. We have only probably been intimate a hand full of times in well over a year to two years! The crazy thing that I don't understand is that he is the only man I have ever been sexually satisfied with and the only man I have ever truly been completely comfortable with ever in my life! He always made me feel sexy and always use to compliment me on my body and how everything is just perfect for him! I haven't heard that in the longest time. 
I use to joke on how what truly brought us together was our true passion and sexual desire for one another! We use to have a lot of sex even before and after our two children whom are only 18 months apart. I am old fashioned in my beliefs of marriage and I believe in marriage and what it means, and signifies. I do not believe in having affairs. No matter what the issue is in a relationship. I am just not sure what to do. My husband is not someone whom believes in counseling either. As I said I have talked about this to him on numerous occasions and still nothing. In the few times we have been intimate in the last year or two it's a quick thing and it's like he's not even attracted to me or has a true, real, desire for me.
He also doesn't seem to care about my needs and satisfying me sexually. The way I see it i'm not doing something if i'm not getting to enjoy it equally. I guess I will just go without instead. Don't get me wrong sometimes a quick one is okay every now & then but not when you've only had sex like 5 times in well over a year or more! He is objective when I mentioned getting a toy and i'm like damn I'm not cheating on you it's a damn toy for me to sexually satisfy myself if your not interested in doing it with me! 
We aren't one of those couples whom has ever needed to spice up our sex life with the usage of any aids, toys, videos, etc. We use to have a tremendous amount of desire and attraction for one another an equal amount. That has now seemed to have completely diminished. I have also tried several times to initiate sex with him and I have been told not now, or I just don't feel like it, or just basically turned down and away. Like I told him I'm not going to throw myself at you anymore to be turned down; talk about a blow to my ego!
I don't know if age is another factor, or what because he will soon be 45 years old and I am 29. We went from having the best sex ever and very often to absolutely nothing! Which still confuses me! I'm at the point of trying to get everything in my life in order and contemplating separation. I hate to do that, but what is a relationship and marriage without any passion, love, intimacy, or sex? A friendship that ultimately leads to disliking and hating the sight of one another!
I am just so irritated and frustrated at the entire situation. It even makes me feel worse when I've seen his ex girlfriend and she at several points was a huge girl. I always thought he liked the "big & heavy set ladies," because he was with her for a number of years before we started dating. In my mind i'm like okay you use to always say how perfect my body is how much you love every inch of it, etc. but you had this enormous ex girlfriend and yet you use to have sex with her when y'all both were very large and heavy i'm sure so WTH is going on? 
I've never let myself go and even after two children my body is in good shape. I take care of myself and i'm not over weight at all! Even five years after our last and youngest child I have no stretch marks, I lost all of my baby weight very rapidly with both of my children. I have always been a really small framed woman I can't help that I am. I do not diet and I've never had to. 
I'm just wondering why he has such an issue with his weight!? Because I don't, i'm still attracted to him no matter what I have always been since the first time we started dating and still am over 10 years later! If it doesn't bother me why does it bother him so much? Or is the weight thing really just an excuse because it's something else going on? I know he also displays signs of depression and it seems more like clinically depressed as well. Maybe that has something to do with it. I'm almost so tired of even trying to figure it out! Really I am! Anyone have any thoughts or comments? I'm just curious on some other opinions. Thanks for reading!


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## dsGrazzl3D (Apr 22, 2013)

marriedfor8years said:


> I'm just wondering why he has such an issue with his weight!? (TRY TO PASUE HERE NEXT TIME)
> ..
> ...
> .....
> Because I don't, i'm still attracted to him no matter what. I have always been (attracted) since the first time we started dating and still am over 10 years later!


Yes, people's desire and interest can change. Maybe he does not even realise himself what the exact change was, or "HOW DID IT HAPPEN"?!?

Still, he made vows to you & there is always a way to resolve any conflict, if both parties can do 3 simple things.... 

Agree about the problem
Communicate about the problem (such as where did it start and options to over come)
Agree & then actually take physical steps (previously agreed upon) to resolve the problem




marriedfor8years said:


> If it doesn't bother me why does it bother him so much? Or is the weight thing really just an excuse because it's something else going on?


see first part, yeah could be both...




marriedfor8years said:


> I know he also displays signs of depression and it seems more like clinically depressed as well. Maybe that has something to do with it.
> 
> I'm almost so tired of even trying to figure it out! Really I am! Anyone have any thoughts or comments?


Then consider it medical and get medical help. Be warned thought that this may require drugs to help him be happier, yet "ED" & other 'low sex drive' issues may be side effects. 



marriedfor8years said:


> I'm just curious on some other opinions. Thanks for reading!


You always have many options. The question is however... What advise would you give another person, whom was in a similar situation?:scratchhead: 
That is likely your best answer. Take your own advice.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

He doesn't believe in counseling? I don't get it, it's not like we tell our children myths about the counselor who visit you in your dreams and brings happy thoughts to good boys and girls! Call it for what it is, he is afraid of someone being able to understand more about him then he wants them to!

Secondly, toys, marital "aids" are fun, even if you already have a great sex life. Buy yourself a nice vibrator and a dildo and maybe some lube too!

Get your honey to the doc to get his blood pressure and cholesterol checked! While they're at it, they should also check his thyroid and testosterone. Any one of those issues could cause a drop in libido as well as erectile dysfunction. Your husband sounds like a prime candidate for all of them.

Men will sometimes hide an erection problem by refusing sex. So you may not even be aware of it. Since you husband has such limitations on things, like counseling and sex toys, he probably has No Clue how to cope with the effects of aging.

Time to out your big girl panties on and throw a holy hissy fit about him getting healthy, getting medical help and dealing with his problem. And it is HIS problem, but it clearly effects you too!

My H refused to deal with his ED until I ratted him out to his doctor. He came home with blood pressure and cholesterol meds and a script for Viagara. It took a long time for us to learn to cope with it and we made every mistake possible. But that was 15 years ago and though he still has erection problems from time to time, it's a non event for us because we've learned there is more to sex and connecting that an erect penis.


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## Nunnzie (Mar 12, 2014)

Hello Married 8 Years

Anon is correct that your hubby very much has a medical condition that is causing him to have no libido. Mid 40's is normally when these things start rearing their ugly head especially if he isnt in that great of shape to begin with. So that might explain why when he was younger and overweight his libido was not impacted. So the thing that needs to happen here is that he needs a full medical evaluation to find the problem.

The reason he is most likely acting the way he does is most likely he is in denial of the problem and he is scared of going to the doc to potentially hear that he has serious medical problems. He knows that when he gets his physical they are going to tell him he has high blood pressure, hypertension, and is on the fast track to a heart attack or something like that. He knows he will be forced to make huge changes in his life which he would rather put off for now.

He is currently in a state of mind that he is willing to accept the status quo as long as the boat stays afloat. But as you point out the ship (meaning your marriage) is starting to take on water especially if you are now thinking of a separation. So it's time to have a heart to heart discussion with him and tell him exactly what he needs to hear to get him to understand that the status quo is not acceptable and if he doesnt get motivated to get his issues worked that he will be a single, lonely and overweight man in the not so distant future. If this doesn't splash cold water in his face nothing will.

Having these heart to heart discussions are very important for married couples to maintain a healthy marriage. When you sit him down don't raise your voice, don't blame him for anything and just be very factual about the state of your marriage. Be patient as it usually takes a few tries to get this to happen.

Good luck and let us know how things go.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You have big age gap. He is 45 and you are only 29. Could get worse.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

quote:At first about a year or so ago he mentioned to me that I had become distant sexually with him I apologized and tried to be a little more sensitive to his needs. Well needless to say the tables have now turned:quote

Do you think him denying you sex now has something to do with when you were distant for a while?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

my guess is that he doesn't feel good about himself because of weight/ED or both. Very difficult problem for a guy but extremely overcome-able.

He needs to come clean about what's bothering him without any shame. That's where you come in Janky. You've got to get him out of his shell without making him feel bad about himself.

I don't buy the low libido thing. It's possible of course, but least likely


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## marriedfor8years (Mar 25, 2014)

Nunnzie said:


> Hello Married 8 Years
> 
> Anon is correct that your hubby very much has a medical condition that is causing him to have no libido. Mid 40's is normally when these things start rearing their ugly head especially if he isnt in that great of shape to begin with. So that might explain why when he was younger and overweight his libido was not impacted. So the thing that needs to happen here is that he needs a full medical evaluation to find the problem.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your response! I completely agree with you and have also mentioned just about every one of your above statements to him. I told him that I am making a doctors appointment because he really is in need of a good physical. I also think that the reason he doesn't want to get to the bottom of all of the problems at hand is that he is very afraid of the potential outcome of what medical problems may arise! I work in the medical field at a hospital and I also told him he's in a very bad place health wise and is at high risk of having high blood pressure, heart problems, I'm sure his cholesterol is also high. I'm just thinking it's not an erectile issue. I'm possibly wondering could it be maybe low testosterone? I guess I will have all the answers once he has his physical and blood work back maybe this will also force him to make the necessary changes into living a healthier lifestyle. I also warned him about his swollen legs and ankles at times could potentially be heart related issues also could be kidneys or something else. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.


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## gulizioquel (Mar 25, 2014)

He needs to come clean about what's bothering him without any shame.


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Over weight and swollen ankles -you sure he does not have diabetes?


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

I believe body and mind are connected (in both directions). The depression gives you health problems and health problems gives you depression.
I found intimacy and desire a good read even if not everything applies to you, and your husband should read it too. 
Maybe he's afraid that you who are in the medical field tell him what to do and" take your meds and keep whatever value low...."
Start jogging with him, that's good for depression and health.


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