# More of the same, agony and anguish



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

I thought I was dealing with my marital problems in a sense that I refuse to engage in arguing, fighting, and not allow tensions to escalate, especially in front of my kids.
We have a very difficult existence, ODD/ADHD son, and bitter with baggage divorced MIL. I am doing my best to hold the family together, and make it workable to some degree. I no longer expect warmth, love, compassion, a kind word from my wife. Every day is a tag-team on the war path to make mince meat out of me. I look forward now, to the days I go to work, and dread the weekends, if we have no solid plans to get out with the kids. 
My wife has become a carbon-copy of her mother, and they make enemies out of everyone with their paranoia and suspicion, and that everyone is out to get them. The MIL no sits, often, on the sidelines quietly smirking, that she doesn't need to say a word, as her teachings have finally completed transfer to her daughter.
I don't know under the circumstances, how any guy would have put up with this for so long. I try so hard to make a difficult situation better. I try to enlighten my wife with words of being positive, and work together for the good of the family, all for one and one for all. I try to hug and caress her at night, but she never reciprocates. I don't even remember that last time I even kissed her, let alone passionately. I long for mutual reciprocal compassion. In a word, my wife hates me. So much so, that I've told her to love her children more than she hates me. Her mother has already hated me before. They are negative people, and the MIL's negative influence has taken hold. They try to divide the kids between "my son", and "their daughters". And, I don't know where to go anymore. 
If I go on, I will offend people's sanity. Yeah, I know I'm going to get "grow a pair", kick the MIL out etc... But, it's not even about the MIL anymore, my wife has succumbed to the whirlwind of every day, and no matter what I say, and try to be positive, and assure her that together we can decide and solve our problems - I AM ENEMY #1. Everyone around her be damned. If I miss physical therapy for a week, and I go one day after work, I am a selfish louse. I am wished death and disease every day. And almost every sentence ends with an insult. If she says I should die, I say God bless you with long life and prosperity. I am only human. Even though I took to daily prayer, I cannot hold out like this anymore. I adore my daughters, and vice-versa, but I am always assigned to take my son. When I say have a good day in school, the wife and MIL say get the f out already. They make my daughters feel ashamed to love me. My son, is manipulative, and can completely make up a fictitious story that I said X or Y about mom or grandma, and they fall every time hook line and sucker, and its WWIII in the house. He is also tired of being in the middle, which my wife does, and then he also goes and causes trouble (he doesn't know how to feel about it) But, she belittles me in front of my son, and then when trouble starts, expects me to have authority. He has disrespect for both of us. But I always tell him he has the best mom who does everything for him and he has to respect and listen to her.
Anything I say, no matter how innocent, is twisted and turned around and exaggerated by my wife. And then its magnified when she tells her mother. We have no privacy or intimacy.
I have had enough, and feel I stay for the kids. I am working hard with a good job, and try to take on more projects, but nothing I do is appreciative.
Granted my wife is home stir crazy all day with kids, and I want her to get out and maybe get a job (as she would like), but it is no excuse to make me her punching blame bag and scapegoat for all evils in the world. It's a burden on my shoulders I can bear anymore.
In addition, I am deathly afraid that if I leave, my wife and her mother, will make me pay for HER father and ex-husband's infidelity, from where all this mis-trust and man hatred must stem. They will make me suffer emotionally and financially, and then try to make sure I never get to see my kids for good measure.
I sacrificed so much of myself for my family. Been through so much which I don't care to go into here. But here I am, trying to be the responsible man and sole provider of the family, while she seeks to destroy it from within.
I need to see a counselor myself, bc, I can't emotionally deal with all this stress anymore. It could be so easy to be happy. My wife has slipped away from me. It's almost like a curse. Everything has an ulterior motive. I give her a drink, she asks what I put in it, I give her her cell phone fully charged, she asks why I have her phone. She wanted something, I ran out and got it for her. All the while she curses me and washes my bones.
I could go on and on. I feel emotionally abandoned, and I KNOW without me, raising 3 kids she'll struggle even more. I just wanted everything to be right, but I've lost hope. No amount of begging, pleading, crying, working, fixing in the house, chores, taking the kids will change her stubborn perception of me. I don't think she will ever change, but I am not ready to leave for the kids sake. They will be devastated, and then mom will say, see I told you what a bad father you have. After having her own childhood broken, this is what she wants for her children? Her mom is ok with this? OMG.
I know I'm in big trouble. I can't live like this anymore. Please advise.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You gotta take care of YOU.

Your situation sounds horrible. Your wife sounds horrible (from what you've written). Have you asked her what her problem is?


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

that_girl said:


> You gotta take care of YOU.
> 
> Your situation sounds horrible. Your wife sounds horrible (from what you've written). Have you asked her what her problem is?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

There is no communication anymore. Every conversation breaks down. No matter how nice I talk or not. She treats me like garbage. She didn't start out this way. We both went through hell and back. Instead of bonding us together, it ripped us into different directions. I evolved, I believe as a person, and she is an immature child who doesn't know how to deal w/anything except yell and scream. It was supposed to be for better or worse. As soon as it got worse, she checked out. I am far from perfect. But despite the hard times I still try to remain positive, but her and the MILs negativity drags my family down. She used to be quite independent, but they have grown a sick interdependence on each other. I as the husband am the third wheel in my own home. It's nighttime and I try to stay out of the way. But I came down for a drink, ad she starts threatening me at the top of her lungs at midnight. Kids sleeping. It's awful. I don't even say a word. School is last day tomorrow. Supposed to be a happy occasion for my kids , but now we can't even celebrate together. We are not on same page. She calls me all sorts of names. I mean really?? Since the moment I got home the attacks began and haven't stopped. I lock myself in my room like I'm punished. But at least I don't have to listen to the insults and verbal abuse. My kids don't deserve this. My son has enough to deal with. . Thx
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How old are your children?

When was your son diagnosed with ODD/ADHD ?

Do you live in the USA?

I'm asking to get a better idea of how to answer here.



.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Find an organization that specialized in domestic abuse and get counseling there. Their counselors are trained to specifically handle this type of situation.

You say that your wife wants to start working. Then encourage it. This is a good thing because it will minimize her time with your children. She's toxic for them. They would be better off in child care when you are not home. 

After she is working kick your MIL out. Go to an attorney if you have to, to get her removed from your home.

Get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and start recording your wife and MIL so that you have proof that they are poisoning your children against you. This will help because you can force the issue with evidence. Find out if your state is a one part or two party state for recording conversations.

Take your children out by yourself as often as you can. This will also minimize the influence that your MIL and wife have on them.

Ok so now wife is working and MIL it gone. Now file for divorce and use the evidence you have to prove that your wife and her mother are toxic and working to destroy your relationship with your children. You can ask the court to order counseling for your wife, your children and you. If your wife does not cooperate she might lose all custody rights.

Being divorce in this situation is better for your children because you will have them by yourself without the wife's influence for some % of the time. You can then be the father that you want to be. You can have them in counseling to help then get over the damage that has been done.

Stop telling your won that his mother is a wonderful mother. What you describe is an abusive mother. Tell him that he has to obey her and treat her with respect. But leave out the wonderful nonsense. When she does things to him that are bad, tell him that she did something bad and he did not deserve it. Get the book "The Dance of Anger" and pay attention to the idea of a "sympathetic witness". You need to be the "sympathetic witness" to your children. that means you are the one who tells them that they do not deserve to be treated this way, that they did nothing wrong.

When your wife and/or her mother go on these yelling tirades do they break things? Throw things? hit you? Do they hit the children?

I'm going to tell you the same thing I tell women in your situation. you are no longer a victim. This has been going on so long now that you are now a participant.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Considering the inputs you describe did you really expect a different outcome?

This is what a life ruled by fear looks like.

You are a victim, not of Eris and her golden apple (Wife & MIL) but of your own thoughts.

When you wait (out of fear) as you have the price of doing the right thing goes up and up, and the disease spreads to more and more people.

You are being abused, being "positive" is pointless and counterproductive, enabling even. 

But what do you want to hear "Hang in there buddy and keep being positive"?

I hope it ends well for you and your daughters.

Take care!


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

A big part of this problem is the MIL, even if you don't agree. She needs to get the h ell out of your house. Why is she living there?

Are there any programs that you can access for your son? To give a bit of respite for you and your wife?

Your wife, if she's at home with negative nelly mum, and trying to cope with an ODD/ADHD child, and then two other kids could just be at the end of her rope, with nothing left to give. It would probably do her good to get out of the house and go to work...give her a break from the kids, and them a break from her.

But before that happens - MIL needs to go.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

So, according to your first post back in January, you said you couldn't leave until you had all your ducks in a row. Same in February. And May. Now, it's the end of June. And there's still no ducks.

If there were some magic wand that could be waived to make your problems disappear, you'd be aflappin'. But there isn't. 

Exactly what has changed for you in the last six months? I read through your first post and responses and although it's not copy and pasted, it's still the same ole, same ole story. Six months. Six months of nothingness.

Maybe you need a new mantra. How about "The chicken flew the coop." Kinda catchy, yes?

Pick one person. You, your wife or your MIL. But someone has got to go.


----------



## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

OP, why the hell do you want to put up with this kind of behavior? I know you love your kids, but other than that it seems like your family life is a war zone. I think you and your kids would be better off if you divorced your wife.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Hello, again:

Let me try to address the last few posts. I am fully aware of my situation. There are more details, but some are so specific, that I would risk my anonymity here.
I can say I'm in the USA, kids 10-13; son had these issues since 5, but they always took on different forms through now. Even getting him to therapy back then, was a struggle and disagreement w/my spouse. Clearly he needed correcting back then, and perhaps it would not have come so far. We are in therapy with him now (at his agreement, finally), but the domestic front, aside from all his personal issues and needs, is clearly a BIG factor in his development (and my girls too), but SHE (wife) looks to ignore it. If only those "TWO" (me and my son) would disappear from the earth, all her problems would be solved, the sun would come out, and life would be dandy. Yes those are positive words (ha) for how she puts it.
YES, the MIL must go, but more likely that I will end up going.
I only try to stay "positive" for myself, so I don't have a nervous breakdown, and also that my kids see another side of how to deal with things, (other than negativity, it can't be done, cursing, and yelling; in addition, maybe one day when the kids grow up and think back, they'll see their father tried to do his best, avoid confrontation, not curse back, and be loyal for for the family's sake. 
I didn't want my kids to hate their father (bc the MIL and the Wife tell them so - brainwash them), and leave them without a father and his love, that apparently my wife lacks. She didn't have this, and seems obvious that she doesn't mind if her daughters & son don't have one either.
Yes, it is a war zone, but with one side lobbing cannonballs and rocket fire causing destruction (at least aggressively) - I figure even my refusal to engage, and go about my business is destructive is some sense too.
OK, yes I've posted here before, and more of the same. So you ask what's changed. First, I can actually say, that there is noticeable improvement in my son, I see little milestones everyday, but this "war" always pushes him back some steps. We were about to send him to a therapeutic boarding school, but ultimately, my wife couldn't do it. We figured it would do more harm than good. His new psych says he has separation anxiety, and has personal experience with kids who went this route, with not good results (angrier, sad kids drugged up on medicines, break-you-down, (instead of build-you-up). So, that is over for now (process-wise), and this lifted a big burden off our shoulders (and wife). We have some other options for school, and sending him to a day-camp that he enjoys. (BTW, I am the one who found these schools, and camp, etc. which saved him in many ways). He has more self-esteem these days, but is always clouded by his mom empowering him to turn against him. For example, "Right daddy was wrong, and should go to hell?" Lovely, I know.
The other thing that got better, is that through my own diplomacy and relationship building (ha, doesn't work with my wife), I brought HER father back into our world, so that (as far from perfect he is), that my kids would have someone to call "grandpa". It was to the point, where her father took him for the day, every two weeks. But recently, she escalated an argument, and he flew out the door, and now that's up in smoke. Plus he was another male influence, and properly said that you have to teach your kids the right way, and not talk about ANYTHING in front of them. But he is a MAN, so there you go.
The third thing, is that I have been steadily working, out of the house a lot, and busy enough to keep out of the cross-hairs.
As for a respite - I actually placed an ad for a big-brother type with similar interests, to take my son places, spend time with him, etc. - but no solid leads yet. I don't even get home until night, as I come right from work, and take my son most days for a few hours. I WANT her to goto work, so I told her to send the girls to camp too. It's too expensive she says. But I tell her, if you're working we can swing it. But she always has an answer and reason why NOTHING can work, or this can't be done. I took ALL the kids myself a couple of weekends ago. All the MIL and Wife can say is, "don't call me when there's trouble, or if the cops come, or your son gets arrested, or me, etc. It was a PERFECT day, they all were in a good mood, and the kids behaved fine. I wish that there was a mom AND dad to take the kids somewhere (a point of contention all too often). I plan to take them again this weekend, but I know the MIL/Wife make up stories to the girls why they shouldn't go (with me or my son? - probably both). I even have potential work that I can give her to do to work with clients, but she has never ever once want to help the "family business". I am envious of people I know who have supportive wives, and even those who employ them bc usually they know its for the unit.
Anyway, so it's probably going this way, but a separation or divorce, will bring down the most crippling of experience for me. I know there would be a bittersweet light at the end of the tunnel, and also the kids will grow up soon and make their own decisions. But, I KNOW that she will initiate thermo-nuclear war, and scorched earth against me. This will include monstrous lies, manipulation, police, child-services, lawyers, and most unfortunately result in angry, depressed, scared and defeated children - who will be casualties of war. Plus the MIL will back her up in this twisted endeavor 100%, at the expense of the "grandchildren she claims to love MORE than me". I am her father incarnated, and must pay for his transgressions a generation before me. 
Finally, aside from all that, I am an emotional person, I will probably not be able to work for a while. I know other people who went through this, but most importantly, they ALL had a support system. Because I chose my lot, loyalty and dedication for my family only (wife and kids), I am estranged from my remaining relatives (few), and friends. I will basically be left broke, beaten, defeated, and in my underwear (as they have always talked about the Father (in-law) deserved that.
I suppose I am "waiting" for the kids to get older, and for me to have an exit plan and support somewhere.
I have made myself pathetic, I realize. Outside of my home, I am well-respected and liked by colleagues and peers, and even got along with my FIL (they hated that, but now he's again out of the picture). They chase everyone away, and now me, and then they sit and cry and complain we have a small family and no-one for support. It's truly sickening, heart wrenching and add whatever words here; 
I appreciate all your replies....


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

What a crock.

File for divorce, 50/50 physical custody, all legal rights concerning the health and schooling of the minor children and no CS.

Men can do that these days, you know. Thank the feminism movement.

Btw, your writing style could use some paragraphs.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

I hear of so many professional successful people that are respected in their professions and totally capable of leading people in their work.

Only to come home to the wicked witch of the west (or wicked dude).

truly don't understand it. 

it only takes one Hitler to make a world war.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mannpieces said:


> I don't know under the circumstances, how any guy would have put up with this for so long. I try so hard to make a difficult situation better.
> 
> In a word, my wife hates me.
> 
> ...





mannpieces said:


> Hello, again:
> 
> Let me try to address the last few posts. I am fully aware of my situation.
> 
> ...


Wow, Mannpieces, just wow.

Okay. We can do this.

Early on in your first post, you try to pre-empt and thereby minimize the whole "grow a pair" comments. Telling someone to "grow a pair" is a trite, off-the-cuff response, and pretty unhelpful as advice goes. Although I am guilty of saying it myself, occasionally.

Instead, I will say with all seriousness, that you are behaving in an extremely cowardly manner. As Decorum noted, you are living a life governed by fear. As Elegirl observed, you are not a victim, you are an active participant in your own misery.

Stop and think about that for a few moments. You come here for sympathy, but you are getting exactly what you deserve. How can I say such a thing?

Well, it's your life and your choices and you're still accepting it.

And I don't for a moment think that you will take one ounce of advice offered, here, but I'll give you some, anyway.

Go buy Married Man Sex Life Primer and read it. Maybe some iota of the advice in that book will rub off on you and stick. And start carrying a VAR with you to record some of these supposedly insane, insulting, abusive conversations your wife has with you. If you stockpile enough of them over time, they might help you prove an abusive situation if you ever decide that you don't like being treated this way and want to get out.

I have to think that there were lots and lots of warning signs about the woman you chose to marry before you did the deed, that you ignored. So once again, you're getting what you want.

But I guess you want some sympathy from strangers, too.

Mannpieces, I feel sorry for you. You're in a really sucky situation, but maybe one day your abusive wife will appreciate you for the man you really are. Or maybe she already does.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Revamped, it certainly won't be as easy as your finely worded and grammatically correct and abbreviated 4 paragraphs, but I thank you nonetheless for you reply.

I wasn't going for a pulitzer here :-O

You don't know what their anger makes them capable of. Think darkhorse....


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks, NotLikeYou for candid advice. i DO take people's good advice, I'm just a bit slow. I need to think every angle through. And, bc of me being busy, tension slightly reduced, lulled me into a false sense, albeit knew-it-wouldn't-last, of security.

Unfortunately, I am fairly certain that she DOES NOT APPRECIATE me in anyway. She also feels empowered by having her mother there, and seems to yell and snap at the slightest thing almost to get the approval of her mommy. It is apparent after months and months of "he's not a man or a father; he's lower than dirt, you made a mistake; his genes are defective, he's mental" everyday in my wife's ear has taken hold. All this sh-t, often in front of the kids.

My wife can't see straight when I'm in the room. She is highly suspicious and paranoid, and just wants to strike out at anyone who is in her path. I try to empathize with her, when she calls me crying my son is too much for her, only to feel her wrath when i get home. Yeah, I have some fear, but anytime I try to do something to make her realize my motives are pure, she tells me I'm trying to set her up, and I want to take kids away from her. It's ridiculous! I wish there was someone, to inject some sanity into hear. (Her deceased grandmother was this person)

OK, not that I EVER intended to be like my FIL, who left the family (though now I understand how could he possibly be with that woman), HE was in control of everything - house, finances, and had his extended family behind him.

I will explore the book. Thanks.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

mannpieces said:


> I wish there was someone, to inject some sanity into hear. (Her deceased grandmother was this .


There is no better hero here, than you.

Stand up and be counted. 

What's worse for children is thinking they don't have an advocate in their corner. You say you stay in a highly toxic environment for their sake. Wrong. I don't know why you stay, really it's none of my business nor do I even care.

But listening to somebody say their spouse be verbally abusive to them and their CHILDREN is SICKENING. And you refuse to take any sort of action. Do you honestly think these children will grow up and have meaningful, healthy relationships of their own based on their upbringing? They're going to face YEARS of dysfunction and therapy because of the abuse they firsthand are witnessing.

Be their hero. End the cycle.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Ok, Revamped. I agree with a lot of what you're saying. (Not asking you to care, but obviously I appreciate some advice in absence of people who do)

First, I don't believe I'm noble or heroic. Maybe I thought I was trying to keep it together til the storm (that never seems to pass) passes. Maybe I'm trying to see a better outcome, than I rationally know is likely. I don't know. I'm living in it now. I'm sure I'll have a different perspective, one way or the other down the line (if I survive)

So, you're basically saying, in order to be a hero, I have to get up and leave my family? That's what it sounds like. So, my FIL who cheated on his wife (yeah the MIL) and left his kids is a HERO?

It may ultimately be the right thing to do (the best of all bad options) but I wouldn't say its heroic. Thx. I do appreciate your replies.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I am not an advocate of cheating.

I am, however, quite concerned about your children's mental health when they're pitted against a parent. It's called Parent Alienation Syndrome and has very serious consequences if left untreated. Look, normal people don't tell their kids that Daddy is wrong and should go to hell. If you can't see the damage, you will later when they show those abusive tendencies in their own relationships.

The trend in Divorce in the U.S is the 50/50 physical custody. Do some research on your own and you'll find many resources available to divorcing fathers. The days are over when women automatically are awarded custody of minor children.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

"The days are over when women automatically are awarded custody of minor children." <-- I hope so. 

" Look, normal people don't tell their kids that Daddy is wrong and should go to hell. " <-- just a sample. 100% correct. Again, her own father tried to tell her you just don't say and do these things in front of kids. He's back out of the circle. I'm next.

I'm sure they will do what they can to try to prove me mentally unfit - clearly its the other way. But, I'm not an evil person, and would NEVER seek to do that to my spouse. She needs quite an education and retraining. I didn't realize the extent of these deep rooted issues until now. Having the constant reminder of the MIL's failed marriage and life is a destructive force here. Especially they consider each other their god.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Look some of these up.

-Fathers for Equal Rights
-American Coalition for Fathers and Children
-Fathers Rights Foundation

It's time for you to act instead of the self pity trip you're taking. It's too important for your children. Please, make a commitment to talk to an attorney by the end of the month.


----------



## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Are you planning on buying a var and consulting with a lawyer?


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Hi, all:

So here's my update. 

I ordered the book suggested (currently reading the e-book), and find it informative and entertaining so far. It seems oriented, so far (didn't get too far) on being an alpha-male, and get more sex from your spouse (which of course is fine, but have more work than that to repair this relationship - thought I'm not fooling myself that this will even be possible.)

Anyway, yeah, I did talk to a couple of lawyers some time back, so I have that option (some may not be affordable to me)

I reached out to a friend I haven't spoken to in a while, at least to get a sympathetic ear, and his experiences - he is remarried, and went through D. Said I should call him anytime.

I just know that obviously, the woman I married has a lot of issues and needs some help, and she doesn't even recognize this. I still feel sorry for her, and certain she will realize what she has done, once I am no longer her punching bag (and probably no way back in a meaningful way)

I mean how can it be normal to constantly be at war with me (and I mean practically every minute we're in the same room). I hurt my back last night, and she pulled out the pillow from me, saying it's mine. Told me to F-off, and die already. Told my son he shouldn't answer my texts or calls. NOW, this is WRONG WRONG WRONG - I know this - I just can't believe she would be doing this all consciously, and clearly has some internal issues she can't deal with. I'm not justifying it, and there is no excuse to treat me, let alone ANYONE like this. I don't even engage her in these conversations, though I did say, I just cant understand how inhumane you have become and can live with yourself. That was all the whole night.

So, yeah, what I wrote is embarrassing that I endure this, but it will come to an end shortly one way or the other.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You continue to reach out...

That's a very good thing.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Thank you, Revamped, for that. I will also keep those orgs in mind.


----------



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Wasn't sure to start a new post, bc I'm feeling really sick, as I write 2:00 in the morning here. 

I woke up to see my kids on the couch, so I went to help take them up to their room, and the MIL, followed by the wife starts screaming at me not to touch them, and I'm disrupting their sleep, all the while they're yelling expletives at me. 

I've had it. I sit around like a passive potato, ignoring everything, not engaging in a fight, not to escalate this, while these inhumane dictators continue to abuse me verbally and emotionally, with such unmitigated arrogance, and that I'm somehow less than human that deserves disposal.

I feel like an outsider, living in a ghetto in my home. Save for the kids, I don't want to be here.

I have nothing left to prove. I did all I can as a father/husband/family man. My friend told me I don't have to rationalize and present my resume list of accomplishments of family man. It's clear they are ill individuals, haters, *****es, etc. 

I really wanted to tell them both to go Fk themselves and God will punish them. But what good would it do, and I'm the only one that has the sense not to scream at 2:00 in the morning.

This post is more of the same, and venting, bc as I sit here lonely and abused, abandoned, and stuck in this hell, at the moment (i threw my back out on top of this) I have no one to spk to this late, and trying to get through the minute.

I need a lot of help. I need to escape. I need to literally pack my stuff and get out of dodge.

I really really want the MIL to pay for what she had done. I want her relatives to know how she destroyed my marriage, to embarrass her, and for her to scurry away like the worm she is. I'm just talking viscerally now, but how can people get away with this.

My friend cannot believe the stuff I tell him, and neither can all of you. First, now I am partially immobile, but as soon as I get on my feet I have to get out.

Legally and financially, I am scared, ok, I said it. I don't know how long if I left, would a court consider this abandonment. A lawyer told me this is a hard choice to leave or stay, bc emotionally I cannot bear this anymore, legally, it can weaken my chances for custody.

You really have to understand, that this HATRED towards me is unreal, and on auto-pilot. I can honestly say that I have not done anything to deserve this. I am very sad.

Thx for your support.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mannpieces said:


> Hi, all:
> 
> So here's my update.
> 
> ...


Get a VAR and get her on tape saying bad things about you in front of your children and her telling her children things like his. Use and use them to influence custody.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

mannpieces said:


> Wasn't sure to start a new post, bc I'm feeling really sick, as I write 2:00 in the morning here.
> 
> I woke up to see my kids on the couch, so I went to help take them up to their room, and the MIL, followed by the wife starts screaming at me not to touch them, and I'm disrupting their sleep, all the while they're yelling expletives at me.
> 
> ...


What have you done to record their abuse? Did you get a VAR?

I'm sorry that your back is hurt. I'm sorry that they are so vile. But you do nothing to protect yourself. There are things that you can do. Recording them is one for sure.

If you want to embarrass you MIL... record her ugly words and post them online. Send out invited to family member so that they can hear what she sounds like. 

Shoot get a small spy camera and record this nonsense, start a youtube channel for the family.

when they are screaming at 2am, just dial 911. Let the cops show up and hear it.

No one can help you if you do not help yourself.


----------



## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

I'm not going to tell you it will be all ok. Cuz it isn't.

And I can't even tell you it gets better. Cuz it probably won't.

I read somewhere that it takes 7-9 tries for someone to leave an abusive situation. And you haven't even left once. 

I'm sure your resolve is very strong. You prove it each and every day. Clearly, you love your family. What I'm asking is for you to love yourself.

There is no shame in admitting a marriage failed. I think you think you'd be less of a man if you left. That, my friend, is simply not the case. You'd show your wife, your children and most importantly, yourself that not every relationship was made to last forever.

One of the feelings people have is thinking they're alone in their struggles. You aren't alone. There are people exactly like you that get out of harmful emotional and physical situations. It's very scary. Not gonna lie about that.

The journey to the other side of wellness is arduous. Keep posting. Keep talking. It will give you Hope for a new future.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think your wife is very abusive & I think you should leave her. Hopefully poster Uptown will chime in with some info about BPD so that you can see if his info sounds familiar. She also may be bipolar if she experiences mania & depression. I left an abusive husband when my children were grown so maybe you could do that also.

Forget about her changing w/o intensive counseling but do go on your own to map out a plan for your future & custody arrangements. Trust me, your children need at least one stable parent in their lives if only part time.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

mannpieces said:


> Wasn't sure to start a new post, bc I'm feeling really sick, as I write 2:00 in the morning here.
> 
> I woke up to see my kids on the couch, so I went to help take them up to their room, and the MIL, followed by the wife starts screaming at me not to touch them, and I'm disrupting their sleep, all the while they're yelling expletives at me.


mannpieces, I started to write a post trying to give you honest feedback, but as I wrote, I kept coming back to this passage you wrote in your last post.

I can't accept it as genuine. It's insane, past even the behavior of normal crazy people.

And I can't accept that, even if it really did happen in some totally dysfunctional marriage, that a sane spouse would accept it.

I don't believe you are describing things anywhere near honestly. If you ARE describing things accurately, you need a lot more help than anyone can give you on TAM.

Either way, I don't think I can add anything useful to the discussion.

I hope you find whatever you're looking for.


----------

