# I need advice. I'm losing it.



## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

Hello everyone! I'm new to all of this but happy that I've found this forum in hopes of receiving some good advice. 

I'm in a situation in where I'm almost positive that my boyfriend is cheating but haven't caught him red handed. We've been together for two years and just moved into a new place. Now, I've always had trust issues because I've been cheated on in the past so I do have this sense of alertness and looking for things. It doesn't help that he told me when we first started dating that he was always a cheater in the past but when he got married that he stopped and his wife wound up cheating on him...so karma got him in the you know what. He said that he vowed to never cheat again but I'm starting to believe the cliche "once a cheater, always a cheater". 

Over the last year there have been a couple of things that make me questino his fidelity. Last year on my birthday weekend I found that he was texting an ex of his. 

Then a few months ago I received a call from my ex boyfriend (who is a friend & works with my current boyfriend) telling me that he saw my guy at a bar with another girl. He described the girl to a T and said she was a new transfer to where they work. Now, the place that he said he saw my boyfriend with the girl was the place that my boyfriend said he was actually at. It's just that he said with his best friend, who's a guy and not some chick. I found it very odd that night that every time I called him he wouldn't answer immediately but would call me back five minutes later from the bathroom or outside of the bar...fishy huh? Normally when he's out with his friends he answers right in front of them. When he got home that night I confronted him and of course my ex was lying. He wasn't there with a girl. He doesn't know what he's talking about. I let that go.

Just this past Friday, he had lipstick on the lower left hand corner of his shirt. I'm so traumatized. He says of course that it's not lipstick but I know it is. He said that it could be because we just moved and maybe the lipstick was smeared on one of the boxes he moved. He of course will not admit any of this.

I know that because of my insecurities I may have pushed him away or into another woman's arms because I have major trust issues but when these things come into play am I really in the wrong for questioning him? He tells me that I'm crazy. That I'm going to lose out on a good man because I don't trust him, etc. and that he's tired of being questioned. That he can't be a good man to me unlesss I trust him first. That he has a good woman at home and would never do anything to jeopardize that. I just don't know if I really am crazy or these are signs that I need to get out? I often wonder when he would have the time to cheat cause he's with me almost always except for when we're at work but I've been told where he works, alot of cheating and affairs go on. That it's easy there. I don't understand why he would do this to me as I'm SO good to him. I've taken his children into my life and all. All of this is tearing me apart and I can't focus on anything and I just don't know what to do. I mean, can someone here please give me some advice. Being out with someone? Lipstick on shirt? Texting his ex who he says is just a friend.

If all of this is going down why wouldn't he just leave me? I've asked him this and he says because it's all in my head. That nothing is happening. He said "why can't you be a girlfriend who when things like this happen, you just brush it off and know that you have a good man". I can't ever question him because he gets upset. He says he's over the questions. He says that he wants me minus all of the mistrust, etc. Can someone please give me advice. I really want to know what your thoughts are as I have nowhere else to turn.

Lipstick stain really threw me over....

Thanks so much!


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

You have more than a suspicion he is cheating. There is no marriage. Move out, go elsewhere. If he follows or asks your to come back he must confess all.

It is your choice then if you want to be with such a man for the rest of your life. I would not.


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

Thanks for the quick response Wisp. Do you think there may be another option though? Maybe I'm being paranoid? Maybe it really was lipstick from a box. Maybe he was out with a friend for drinks but was afraid to tell me because he knew I'd be upset? I don't know. I'm just trying to get advice from every point of view before I make any decisions ya know?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Scared - sounds liek you may be in denial. I have been in denial for almost 3 year and am starting to realize now that I am most likely married to a serial cheater (feel free to read my threads). Lipstick on the LOWER corner of shirt - my god that would send me into a frenzy! I don't think you're imagining things and if you're gut is telling you something is wrong you're probably right even if you think it may just be trust issues haunting you.

He sounds alot like my husband - reverse psychology, turning things around on me. He's just glorifying himself so you look beyond your suspicions. My guy was a cheater in the past too and although I don't truly believe in the cliche (once a cheater, always a cheater) it's hard for people who have done it to forget how easy it was to get away with it...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

While anything is possible, and there may be a perfectly innocent explanation for the things you wrote about, I think when you combine those with your gut feeling, you already know he's cheating. My ex-husband was a cheater, too, and sometimes you just know, even without any other evidence, that they're up to something. 

It's time to face the truth and accept that he is cheating, and decide what you're going to do about it. You can confront him and see if he'll change but I doubt it. You can stay and put up with it, but why would you want to do that? Or you can tell him you know what he's been up to and until he can prove to you that he's changed, you're leaving and you're done. That one would get my vote.


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

Thanks guys! I know I'm probably in denial. Well, not really because I know what's going on. I just wanted to hear of some other possibilities. I mean, why would he cheat on me? Why wouldn't he just leave me you know? I'm not conceited but I'm a very attractive woman with a great job and I'm SOO good to him. Why would he jeopardize that? I don't understand how that works.

Also, it's like where does he find the time to do it? I guess anyone who is cheating will find the time huh? They'll manage somehow.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

Sacred - you and I sound exactly the same. I have had the very same questions for years!

Why would he cheat on me? could be just a physical thing, maybe he can't handle the attention he gets, a thrill thing, an addiction - who knows - it obvious that if he is cheating it's b/c of a problem with HIM not YOU - always remember that!!

Why wouldn't he just leave me you know? won't leave b/c he's got the best of both worlds - a gorgeous, smart and intelligent GF and his side pieces (probably just ordinary girls who are insecure and don't expect much from him)

Why would he jeopardize that? He's cheated in the past and probably got away with it, what's their to jeopardize?? 

Where does he find the time to do it? WHERE THERE IS A WILL THERE IS A WAY - it's that simple.


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

You are all right. I just get so frustrated when he has FLIPPED out on me for continuing to bring up the fact that he was in a bar with some girl. Like he yells at the top of his lungs and has slammed things around because "it's a lie...I didn't didn't do it...he's lying"...those are the things he says.

Also, his best friend is boyfriends with my girlfriend and insists that he is SO in love with me and would never do anything to jeopardize what we have. That there was NO way he had lipstick on his shirt because he was with him on that day? I don't know...all so weird.

Then on top of this, my boyfriend is extremely possesive with me. Constantly questioning me as well... 

Anonny - thank you for helping me there cause I don't understand it. I mean, why isn't he afraid of getting caught and losing me? There's a lot to lose!


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

that's one question I can't figure out either. I remember accusing him of cheating a few years back with a girl from a town not too far from us and he said "do you think if I was going to do something, I'd do it around here, where it can get back to you" - it's all that reverse psychology crap. They will do it practically right in front of you - the risk they take is what probably gets them off - sad to say.

On top of that, the "boys club" mentality makes it so much easier for them. When the "boys" know what's going on and help cover for them, it makes it so much worse for us. I started realizing a friend's loyalty has much more weight than a wife's loyalty - sad, sad, sad.


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

Anonny - do you think that lipstick at the lower bottom of his shirt is bad?


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

i'm going to be blunt - if lips were down in that area - it only means one thing to me - sorry

come on he goes from saying "it's not lipstick" to ofefrring you a lame explanation on how it could be lipstick

P.S. some ppl believe certain forms of affection/sex do not equal cheating (kissing, groping, oral, etc.) so maybe in his mind he's not and that's how he justifies his actions. sorry just my honest opinion here.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I found ectasy pills in my laundry after coming home from a short weekend trip where I know he partied w the boys at an outdoor club in our area - what am I supposed to think especially since I had just found out he did it earlier this year while out in Vegas and the bastard still talks about how "tanked" his boys were b/c he doesn't drink as much as they do - think's I'm an idiot!! 

Gotta keep your eyes WIDE open sacred


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

I hear ya...someone said that lipstick at the lower end of his shirt is not conclusive..girl, I just don't know what to believe!!

I know he's on to the fact that I'm not happy. He's been extra lovey. I think he's afraid of losing me.


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

I agree it isn't conclusive but it's a huge red fleg in my book.

Same situation w/ me. Husband senses soemthing's wring - even told a friend of his who asked one of my friend's if everything was ok w us b/c my husband told him I was cold, distant, not the same and he was nervous YET 2 weeks went by and he NEEVR asked what was wrong. Ppl on teh board suggested it's b/c he doesn't want to own up to anything or is scared b/c he doesn't know what I know on top of being scared I might be leaving him. Thsi was last month - last 2 weeks he's been lovey dovey but I just can't look past what he's done and what a fool he has been taking me for


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## sacredheart (Sep 14, 2010)

I agree a huge red flag...I'm on the lookout though...

I don't think my boyfriend is scard of anything though...lol


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## Anonny123 (Aug 11, 2010)

neither is my husband, maybe he will be once I'm gone...

pleased to "meet" you btw


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