# Questions about questions



## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Our Dday was about 15 months ago. Initially, he wanted to know all details and then as I would answer, he'd shut down or start fighting about the answers. 

Since then, we've talked a number of times about this as well. I get a little disheartened when it is the same questions over and over. Is this common? Is there something that I'm doing wrong in this process? I've been open and honest in my answers even when I know the answers did hurt.

So, we go to our first MC appointment Wednesday afternoon. Is it wrong to address this so early in the MC process?


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

He clearly doesn't trust that you are telling him what happened.
If he continues to feel this way, there will be nothing to save.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The way most betrayed spouses feel is:

You lied a lot, either outright or by omission, when you had an affair.

He doesn't trust you or believe you.

He will keep asking the same questions and any slight difference in the way the questions are answered, even if you honestly remember an additional meaningless detail, or if you leave out a meaningless detail you told him previously, will be interepreted as a potential that your whole story is a lie.

When he gets the same answer every time consistently over time, he gradually will stop asking that question.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, he needs the same questions answered over and over. Part of it is like Bride of Frank says, getting the same answers over and over helps build trust. But part of it for me was also that I had forgotten what he told me the first time. My brain was (is??) like swiss cheese with everything I had gone through, the trauma just makes you crazy, so just because I already asked something didn't mean I remembered the answer.

I hope your mc knows what they're dealing with as far as infidelity. A bad mc can really ruin R.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

I've put my wife through that. He's probably feeling like he's missing something. It's that need to make sense of it all. To understand it.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes, he needs the same questions answered over and over. Part of it is like Bride of Frank says, getting the same answers over and over helps build trust. But part of it for me was also that I had forgotten what he told me the first time. My brain was (is??) like swiss cheese with everything I had gone through, the trauma just makes you crazy, so just because I already asked something didn't mean I remembered the answer.
> 
> I hope your mc knows what they're dealing with as far as infidelity. A bad mc can really ruin R.


Hope has a good point here too.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yes its common to be asked the same question over again. Your H is do one of two things, he is still proseccing the unprocessable and two he is trying to see if you change the answer.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Since then, we've talked a number of times about this as well. I get a little disheartened when it is the same questions over and over. Is this common? Is there something that I'm doing wrong in this process? I've been open and honest in my answers even when I know the answers did hurt.


Keep being completely honest. Consistence and coherence appears naturaly. It's what build up the trust. Short of this only time and his ability to digest and acept the reality will result in forgiveness.
I understand your frustration nad your reluctance to discuss it once nad again but I'm going to suggest you the unthinkable: be you the one in bringing up the affair, to encourage him to ask you, yes even the same questions. Be proactive.

I'm glad top hear you are going to MC. If MC ever try the blamesharing game stop her right away. He never could decide for you, the cheating was your decision and it was a very wrong one. What ever issues you guys had in the marriage are to be treated as a separated issue. They have to be adressed to improve things, to correct whatever both of you believe need to be so the marriage go in the right direction.

If you believe the MC is going to be a few sessions I suggest you to bring up his boundarie issues later. Not suggesting you to ignore it but to bring it later as a way for ther two feel safe.

If one of you doesn't like this particular MC then commit to change it.

Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

If you've read the many threads of successful R stories here you will find that it very common. You have to be completely forthcoming regardless of the pain YOU THINK it may cause him. 

Most say that the onlything worse is deception bc it sets R back to day 1.

Stay with it. Chin up carry that load w him. My best wishes to him, you, and a fullfilling life.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> The way most betrayed spouses feel is:
> 
> You lied a lot, either outright or by omission, when you had an affair.
> 
> ...


I will say this - when my ex had an EA I was devastated and insisted on knowing everything - unfortunately for me, she was gaslighting me and got good at telling the same lies over and over again. 

This being said, after about a year and a half - I grew to trust her again (but she had a PA later). 

I will say me asking the same questions drove her crazy and she could not understand why I would keep asking........

I was unsure myself but for some reason it reassured me.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

It's a very circular process, trying to get over betrayal. He is trying to find a good reason for why it happened, what could've changed, why did it happen. What's the justification. There aren't any good reasons in the end, it wasn't fair, it wasn't justified, it come down to your selfishness and thoughtlessness, plain and simple. At some point he will realize that, then have to make a decision on whether to accept it, forgive you and try to move on, or not.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thank you - I really appreciate the perspective. I think it freaks me out because it will sometimes come out of the blue when it seems like we're having a good day.

I know I made it worse initially when I'd get upset and just close down which in turn frustrated him and caused him to shut down also. There has been a lot of rug sweeping on both sides so I know this will be difficult.

We tried seeing one MC about a year ago but she was really awful. She never took notes or recorded and each session was like session #1. I'm hoping this one goes better but we've both agreed that after 3 sessions, we'll evaluate to see if this is the right person to help us.

Since reading Not Just Friends and a lot of the forum here, I've initiated conversation about this a few times with him. He keeps stating he just doesn't understand how this happened and that none of it makes sense to him. It doesn't help that when he confronted the xOM via telephone, that the xOM lied to him about his name. So, he keeps questioning the whole thing.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

In my case, she became defensive. Started questioning me, in her defense.

See?

It will take time for BS to put questions to rest. Depends on transparency on the part of WS.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Yes its absolutely normal and essential. He's not doing it to punish you or make you feel bad. It's more that every time he starts to wonder or his imagination starts to take him places he has to ask you again because he needs to hear the reality. Despite the fact that you know the answers hurt, in reality they help. Give them willingly and easily and then offer whatever comfort and support he needs. It will get better with time.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Agree with what has been said, but also; when you have processed something in your mind, learn new details, gain new perspective, you sometimes need to get back to previous details, which may seem different in this new perspective.

Just be honest all the time, no shortcuts there.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

It takes time to believe what's truth and what not when you are bieing lied nad gqaslighted, OM didn't help either.

It takes even more time to come to terms with the fact that indeed "it" happened. From denial to acceptance.

Keep hangin there friend. I think you have you head way more clear than most waywards. I also thing you have a clear vision of the marriage and the challenges. I also believe you have the heart at the right place. Deal with things, don't rugsweep anything anymore.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

It is easy to get upset about being questioned.
But it is important to know and realize that WS is the cause for the questions.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I suspect I'm in the minority on this but I always viewed the questions as a good thing. They gave me a chance to see where my wife was in recovering and the opportunity to reassure her yet again. I figured every time we talked about it was progress - one more time of me giving the same answers and one more time of her digesting another piece of it and being that much farther along. I had no shame or reluctance to answer her questions, once the truth was out there was no reason not to talk about it. Part of owning it is holding it up to the light and saying, "yes this is mine, what would you like to know?"


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

I can tell that my FWH is starting to get tired of me asking him the same questions again and again, but I'm still trying to understand how this happened. 

He doesn't think the details matter, he thinks I'm just torturing myself. He may be right, but at this point I'm not able to stop.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Thank you - I really appreciate the perspective. I think it freaks me out because it will sometimes come out of the blue when it seems like we're having a good day.


Funny - I used to react when me and my ex were out having a good time - it was because I was feeling so close to her and then this instinct would just arise to protect myself from getting hurt again. It was like my walls were down and my mind would say "remember the last time your walls were down!" and I would find a reason to protect myself - which I needed her to bring down again. I felt sorry for her having to work through it but I needed it to feel close to her again. If you could only see it as your husband orking to get close to you - because that in the end was what I was trying to do. Sadly, it was destroyed later for me but I did get to trust her again before it happened.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Have you read any books such as "After the Affair"? It might help you understand his process better, and he can learn a bit about your process in R.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Thor said:


> Have you read any books such as "After the Affair"? It might help you understand his process better, and he can learn a bit about your process in R.


Funny I just got this book today...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Thor said:


> Have you read any books such as "After the Affair"? It might help you understand his process better, and he can learn a bit about your process in R.


No, but looking it up on Amazon now.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

BrokenHeartedBelle said:


> I can tell that my FWH is starting to get tired of me asking him the same questions again and again, but I'm still trying to understand how this happened.
> 
> He doesn't think the details matter, he thinks I'm just torturing myself. He may be right, but at this point I'm not able to stop.


Do you mind if I ask how long it's been since you found out?


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Getting past the Affair is better than After the Affair. At least for me.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

One thing I think that may help you understand why he asks questions over and over is this image I use to explain: a puzzle

YOU as the disloyal spouse, had all the pieces of the puzzle. You had all the corner pieces, all the border pieces and every piece in the middle. You put the puzzle together in such a way as to see the picture on the puzzle, and the picture was "an affair." 

YOUR SPOUSE on the other hand had what they thought was a picture of "a happy marriage" and then on D-Day found it was really a puzzle all along! All the pieces of the puzzle were broken up and flew into the air all scattered. Now he's looking for pieces of the puzzle and some pieces are missing. He's trying to put it all together, but without the corner pieces and the border pieces he can't even BEGIN to see what the picture in the middle is. So he'll ask for a piece and when he asks again is "sounds" like the same question but you know how many puzzle pieces sort of look the same? He's actually asking for another piece! And the picture in the middle still does not make sense to him because he thought it was something else entirely!!! 

And now, after giving him a piece here, a piece there, and more and more and more pieces...you are starting to get tired of giving him pieces! Okay that's sort of understandable, but you know all the pieces and you know the picture in the middle. He still has maybe half to 3/4ths of the pieces and maybe is starting to see the picture in the middle but not for sure. And my guess is that you don't really want him to see the full awfulness of adultery. I mean, seriously, who wants to be seen in the full-out mess they made, covered in [email protected]? So part of you resists because the way you acted is embarrassing and part of him is trying desperately to put the pieces together so he can fully see what he's dealing with!! 

Here's my personal recommendation. I suspect you are not "withholding" but maybe have not offered every single, embarrassing, gross, "oh my god I want to die for acting like that now" detail. It's a little like gangrene on your arm: you have to keep cutting until you get it all out and then cut a little more in order to make sure you will live. And yep it may cost you the arm! Same here...you have to keep cutting and keep telling the horrifying truth until you get it ALL OUT...and then maybe even cut a little more. And it will be costly. But in order to SAVE THE LIFE of the marriage, it all has to be cut out. 

Now...some loyal spouses do want to hear every, single, sordid detail because then they have every puzzle piece and the picture is glaringly clear. Other loyal spouse do not need every piece--they get the corners, the border, start to see the middle and say "I know what's in there" and it enough. But BOTH kinds need to have some reasonable reason to believe that there is no more secretly hiding somewhere and that ALL of it...ALL of it!!... is being removed.


Make sense?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

SadandAngry said:


> Getting past the Affair is better than After the Affair. At least for me.


Looking this one up too - I figure more information isn't a bad thing.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Our Dday was about 15 months ago. Initially, he wanted to know all details and then as I would answer, he'd shut down or start fighting about the answers. 

*Normal. A BS needs time to process the hurtful answer. It is almost a self form of torture.*

Since then, we've talked a number of times about this as well. I get a little disheartened when it is the same questions over and over. 

*A BS will ask the same questions over and over. Most of the time because we do not believe what we are being told. After an affair is built around lying.*

Is this common? 

*Yes*

Is there something that I'm doing wrong in this process? 

*Only if you are not answering things truthfully.*

I've been open and honest in my answers even when I know the answers did hurt.

*Then you are on the right track.*

So, we go to our first MC appointment Wednesday afternoon. Is it wrong to address this so early in the MC process? 

*What exactly are trying to address? If it is that you want him to stop with the questions, then yes I think it is to early for you to ask him to stop. He will stop when he feels that everything is out in the open.*


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

Try this thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51574-big-bang-theory-infidelity.html#post921113

Edit: Whoops, wrong thread, but I was reminded of this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/51574-big-bang-theory-infidelity-5.html#post928037

Dig's archaeology thread is more on point: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/52432-archeologist-truth.html 

It's the going back and piecing things together after learning or remembering something new and connecting it up with what was going on.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Do you mind if I ask how long it's been since you found out?


It's been almost ten months. Our DDay was Jan 6/12. We've done IC and MC, but I still ask the questions again and again.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He knows you are going to give him the same answer, but he has to ask again, just in case it all turns out to be different?

If we have a bandage over a scab, why do we need to constantly take a peek just to check it over, again and again and again?

Human nature.


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## BrokenHeartedBelle (Feb 14, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> One thing I think that may help you understand why he asks questions over and over is this image I use to explain: a puzzle
> 
> YOU as the disloyal spouse, had all the pieces of the puzzle. You had all the corner pieces, all the border pieces and every piece in the middle. You put the puzzle together in such a way as to see the picture on the puzzle, and the picture was "an affair."
> 
> ...



Great answer Affaircare. 

It's better than anything that I heard in 5 months of MC!


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Ugh - Just had a really bad night of this. I have to say that it's just really discouraging to basically feel like we are exactly where we were at 15 months ago.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Ugh - Just had a really bad night of this. I have to say that it's just really discouraging to basically feel like we are exactly where we were at 15 months ago.


Remember what he is going through - these are things going through his mind daily - buck up you caused them.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> Ugh - Just had a really bad night of this. I have to say that it's just really discouraging to basically feel like we are exactly where we were at 15 months ago.


It's a roller coaster. Some days are better than others, hopefully the peaks and valleys are getting farther between and less extreme. Don't get discouraged - this stuff takes years - and even then I doubt that it ever fully goes away.

Having said that - yes it is amazing just how quickly you can go back to square one. Fortunately if your reconciliation is going well and you are doing your part you should be able to go back to roughly where you were yesterday pretty quickly. My experience is that every time we really went back to square one it was the impetus of a huge step forward. Like somehow going back to the beginning helped us really make progress and take a giant step further down the road. 

Just keep being open and honest. Realize he needs the answers and the more willingly you can give them the sooner he will need them less.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Ugh - Just had a really bad night of this. I have to say that it's just really discouraging to basically feel like we are exactly where we were at 15 months ago.


Oh yes, the ups and downs 

As a WS, have you also asked yourself if *you *are determined go go through this with your husband?


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Ugh - Just had a really bad night of this. I have to say that it's just really discouraging to basically feel like we are exactly where we were at 15 months ago.


That is the nature of the beast you created. Please bear with him. At least is staying and trying to work things out with you.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm sure this is probably all wrong but - Draft of a letter to him:

I've been doing a lot of thinking after we talked last night. We go in circles and never get anywhere. The next day we just pretend it didn't happen and to be honest, I don't feel very hopeful. I feel like nothing that I have done or will do will improve the problems in our marriage. I bought that book so we could read it together and work through the issues. You took that whole ****ing book and just went to that one chapter at the end. No thought or discussion about all the crap we were going through that had led up to that. The issues that had caused me to basically give up on this marriage and it's future. 

What I did was wrong, I know that and accept that and apologize for that. I will apologize for it daily if I think it will change things. I started a friendship which in the beginning was completely platonic and innocent and I can tell you how quickly it crossed the line and went someplace wrong and inappropriate. I DO know first hand how that feels and how hurt you were and still are by my actions. Talking about marriage and relationship problems was the first in many wrong steps in that chain. It opened a door to behavior which destroyed any and all trust you've ever had in me. I cannot take that back but I can tell you it's a line I will never cross again.

What you did was wrong, (J*****, A***, M********, D*******, etc.), you don't know that and don't want to change that. This has been ongoing and repeated. Every time a female friend is going through a crisis, you have to be the one to come to the rescue. This has been a repeated theme as long as I've known you and before we were married. I don't want to keep looking over my shoulder and wondering which woman it is now that may cross that line. I don't want to be another one of the many damsels in distress in your life.

At a time when we need to be closest, you throw up a physical barrier (the chewing), knowing it will turn me away. After really pouring my heart about the issues we were having physically, this just really is too much to do yet again.

I love you and thought that time would heal things but with what I'm seeing now I'm feeling that it won't. What you thought of me is dead and I'm pretty sure it will never come back. I think we should file for divorce and try to retain some kind of relationship for the benefit of our son. I'm thinking the marriage counselor can help with that.

What we need to focus on and talk about is how to handle things which make things simpler for him. If you don't wish to be part of that, then that is up to you. If you feel like you need paternity testing before you decide, then you'll need to take care of that on your own. I think we should talk about that tomorrow with the counselor and get his opinion and help.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know the really hard part of reconciliation, assuming first that everyone really wants to, is that the betrayed spouse has to come around and open up before the cheater wears out and gives up. Two moving targets have to meet - very difficult.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

2asdf2 said:


> Outlining all this negativity detracts from the message.
> 
> If you have to send something, just send the two paragraphs I quoted.
> 
> ...


Very true.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Here is what I got out of the letter:

Yes you did wrong, but he is all the reason for that.
You want a divorce and are giving up.

If you are truly done with the marriage then by all means send it to him. If you are hoping to open his eyes, the do not do it.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Fair enough, underwater. I wasn't reading that into it but I can see where it comes across as that way.

I think cpacan may have nailed it - I'm just not sure if I really want to fix this. It was a mess LONG before I made it even worse.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I admire your desire to make things better - it might be too late or not, I'm mot sure about your husband (because I do not know him). However, I ask myself daily what my ex could say to make things right with me...most often it comes back with nothing. But then I think if she comes crawling back and says she was COMPLETELY wrong for affair and KNOWS it and WILL DO ANYTHING to make it right - I might be open. I would put her to the test hard (like Gene Hackman in Unforgiven said "Hard not soft like before") to see if she meant what she said. 

What I would object to is any reference to my behaviour that warrants her behaviour. That is out. Infidelity is the ultimate trump card - and whatever I did doesnt matter anymore once infidelity is in the picture. I would want a get out of jail free card for about two years before I could even get my head around what she did... 

I don't know if you like my answer but there it is.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

TCSRedhead said:


> It was a mess LONG before I made it even worse.


Yes, it was. And unless you are* both* throwing everything you have into trying to make it work, it won't.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Yes, it was. And unless you are* both* throwing everything you have into trying to make it work, it won't.


And THAT is the million dollar question.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> And THAT is the million dollar question.


well to tell everyone what I felt after the emotional affair - I did not want to put in ANY work on a marriage someone already gave up on. It took me quite a while to desire to be married to her again. To me everything was tainted after she wanted someone else - and this was just an EA. With a PA it would be worse. What was said to the AP about me, etc..

Point being - to expect someone reeling from a betrayal to want to give 100% to marriage is too much to ask. I had to come to desire being married to her once again (which I eventually did) - but it took a while - a long while.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> Fair enough, underwater. I wasn't reading that into it but I can see where it comes across as that way.
> 
> I think cpacan may have nailed it - I'm just not sure if I really want to fix this. It was a mess LONG before I made it even worse.


And that is a very fair statement. I know that my actions or lack there of helped lead my husband to a crossroad, but he alone chose which road to take. I am not trying to mean. I really am trying to help out. 

I completely respect the fact that you might not want to work on it anymore. And that is fair too. We all have choices. I just wanted to let you know how it read as a BS.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Underwater, I didn't read it as 'mean', just honest. That's why I am here - this is such a train wreck that I lack any sense of objectivity to my own thoughts and actions at this point.


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