# Separated- What would you do?



## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

Here's my story. We have been married for 21 years. We have 2 daughters, 16 and 20. He moved out in March. We have had daily contact since he moved out. Mostly text messages but getting together for dinner once a week. I thought we were communicating about some of the issues we have and rebuilding things but he says he's not sure what the future holds for us. When we get together I get hugs and kisses. Last week he went to a lawyer to start divorce paperwork but he says we can always cancel it. When we went to our first marriage counseling session last week he told the counselor that he realized in the last week he doesn't love me. At that point the counselor looked at me and told me I should start moving on. (what bull****) After counseling we went to our cars and he gave me red roses. He got really mad when I asked him why he gave me roses if he doesn't love me. He said I always make him feel bad for doing nice things and that we can only have contact at counseling (but he's willing to go). Yesterday was Mother's Day and my daughters were taking me to dinner. I sent H a message saying, "I wish you weren't so mad at me. I would love for you to go to dinner with us." he responded right away with "where, what time". He met us for dinner and we all had a really nice time. Again, I got a hug and kiss when he left. I'm so confused what to do. I am not looking forward to receiving the divorce papers this week. I plan on stalling that as long as possible.


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Does he have someone else? That I Love You but I'm Not In Love With You...that's crap...and it usually means there is someone else and he wants to test the water with them while keeping you anchored just off shore so you can't see the bow...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


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## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

He has been texting buddies with his massage therapist for a few months. He says they are just friends. I think he has been "testing the waters" by talking to women in the bar. One I'm pretty sure he started a texting friendship with. I also just found his yahoo personal ad. I don't know if I should just give up and move on. He is willing to go to counseling but I can't figure out which direction he wants it to go. Is he going so we can split amicably or so we can get back together. He doesn't want me to text him anything personal like "I miss you" or anything like that. He says he's happy now. But he definitely is giving me mixed signals.


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## sirch (Jan 8, 2009)

Sorry to hear about your situation, but it's time for you to develop a backbone. Please read Love Must Be Tough by Dr. James Dobson, it can cetainly help you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ask him this question: "What do you want?"
Not a complex question. If he doesn't know - set some ground rules. Doing so, will actually make you more attractive.

If 'what he wants' isn't you - then tell him to cut the crap. He's sending mixed messages. You don't give your wife a rose and a peck on the cheek if you are planning on divorcing. 
My hunch is that he is involved, but is also hedging his bet with you. 
He is likely confused, but that does not give license to make a bad situation worse.
Like my dad always used to say; "sh!t or get off the pot."
This same behavior occurred with my ex. Her original answer to the question was; "I don't know." I don't know stopped being ok when she continued to see TOM.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Deejo said:


> Ask him this question: "What do you want?"
> Not a complex question. If he doesn't know - set some ground rules. Doing so, will actually make you more attractive.
> 
> If 'what he wants' isn't you - then tell him to cut the crap. He's sending mixed messages. You don't give your wife a rose and a peck on the cheek if you are planning on divorcing.
> ...


:iagree:

He wants something or maybe feels like something is missing, but can't seem to tell you what it is. Flat out ask him. Tell him he is giving mixed signals and you don't know what to think when he does things like give you roses, while the divorce papers are being written up.


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## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

I would ask him, but I'm not supposed to be talking to him except @ counseling per his request. We couldn't get into a counseling appointment until next week. He didn't text me goodnight last night but he did text me good morning this morning. Sheesh... this is so hard. Sometimes I question weather it would be easier just to go through the divorce and try to move on.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Say what?

Was this 'no speaking' policy instituted by your counselor, or by him? Either way, it's crap.

If him ... break that policy. If he challenges you, tell him he is being a coward. See how that goes over.

My sense is, that this guy *knows* he has control of the situation, and you have handed it to him. So go ahead and take it back. It is your life as well, after all.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

WOW, I totally agree with Deejo. How the hell are you supposed to work at it if you arent allowed to talk to him outside of counceling? That is totally unacceptable and unreasonable!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Boy! All of that sounds like my life last year. My ex to be went to a couple of counseling sessions (to get an amicable divorce). What a bunch of crap! He had someone on the side all along. He simply wanted both worlds--his mistress and ALL of his money. Take a good look at everything. Moving on may not be such a bad idea. If I had moved on last year, I would be in a much better place now.

Good luck as you search for answers!


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## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

Well, I didn't text/talk to him Monday-Wednesday. Yesterday I tried to send a chatty text and he ignored it. I asked if it was okay that I text him and he said yes, just no questions. Later in the day I tried one more time to send a chatty text and he ignored it. We have counseling scheduled for next Thursday but I'm thinking the writings on the wall and I should just get a lawyer. This hurts so incredibly much!!!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

This sounds very familiar! You are getting the mixed messages. However, your husband is out of the house. 

I also think the "I love you, but I am not in love with you" is a load of crap! Either you do or don't. I am also a fan of "sh_t or get off the pot."

You can leave it up to fate, but if he wants a divorce try to settle how you want the kids handled and any assets before you meet with attorneys. If that's not possible, you get a consult and see what you are in for....


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

He's having his cake and eating it too. This man doesn't love you or respect you. The writing is on the wall honey. It says "GET OUT NOW AND FILE FOR DIVORCE." I know it's hard but time to cut this loser loose. Good Luck.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. 

Sometimes life sucks, other times it just sucks differently. 

Get rid of him, move on. It's what I'm doing. 

Just hang there, girl! We are all here to support each other. We all want the best for each of us. Unfortunately, we don't always know what that is.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Let us know how your fate is coming along!


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## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

On Sunday I was served with the divorce papers. I called him right away and told him. I asked if this was seriously what he wanted to do. At first he said 'yes'. Then we finally started communicating. He answered a lot of questions I have had since he moved out. He admitted that the roses after counseling were supposed to be a first step. I was supposed to just say Thank you and then we could start working on things. We are still going to counseling and I think right now things are on the right track. We will see. We pretty much text morning/night. I had to call him yesterday about our daughter and that conversation went well. I am feeling okay with things. We even discussed his friendship with other women. (not FWB). I'm not rushing things, but I'm hopeful.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Ok ... now I'm flipping things. What do _you_ want?

What happens if you stop reaching out to, or responding to him? Are you able to do that? (I can understand if you can't, but I would ask you to be honest with yourself)

Are you willing to tolerate his pursuit of his needs - even to the extent of relationships with other women, while he ignores yours?

I'm chalk full of cheezy analogies, but that is only because at some point, I have applied them to myself.
"The only way somebody can walk all over you, is if you lie down to let them do it."
There comes a point where you are complicit in allowing someone else to hurt or manipulate you. Please, take care of yourself.


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## Leaving it up to fate (May 11, 2009)

I'm through!!! Last night was the last straw! We went to marriage counseling. After counseling we attended our daughters band concert. The day before he said, "Let's have dinner after the concert." But when we got to counseling he said he was tired and he wasn't gonna do dinner after all. After the concert he accidentally texted me a message meant for his girlfriend about picking her up and going for frosty's! I called him and he was basically a jerk. Time to get my lawyer and get on with the divorce.


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## skinman (Nov 5, 2008)

Leavingit up to fate,

so sorry to read what you are going through. When my wife asked me to move out in October she blamed the collapse of our marriage on me..Said she needed space.. well she needed space to sleep with her boyfriend in my house... When in fact she had already replaced me... Take the advice of the people on here.. move on and get an attorney and make sure you look after whats best for you.. He sounds like a real loser like my stbxw..... they will lie to your face to make themselves feel better.. Take back control and cut off all contact and let your attorney handle everything. i know how hard it is, I still have days where i miss my wife but i know i deserve to be loved better than she ever could...

its sad when a marriage as long as yours and mine (16yrs) come to an end because of cheating... Your in my thoughts and prayers.. best of luck.. 

Skins..


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

It's NOT fate! Get rid of him now! Get yourself your own lawyer...take him to the cleaners! Get on with your life... I know, life sucks sometimes. But it DOES go on.


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