# Separation after infidelity or live together while working on the marriage?



## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Update: thanks every one for your responses and support. I decided to stay together while we tried to work on things. However, as soon As he was healed and able to drive again and found a new job, I found out he had been contacting her again. We are separating and will divorce, I have to love me and my daughter more than putting any more energy into someone who doesn't want/derserve it. I'm optomistic that the best is yet to come 

My world charged last year, I had my first child and 3 months after giving birth , learned that my husband of 6 years had been having an affair for over a year. I was totally blindsided.... Of course now I see the "little"signs, but at the time was caught off guard. I had now become cliche, newborn in my arms finding out the real reason her daddy was "working late" My husband never communicated with me that he was unhappy or anything was wrong...

Flash forward 4 months and after him leaving for one week when I first found out, we have been living together. We were going to counseling, however he was in a motorcycle accident in November (and lost his job) , it's prevented us from going to our sessions. I have felt more and more confused, and taking care of (and financially supporting ) someone I am still so hurt by is taxing...( he is also a recovering drug addict, sober for 18 years, he met his affair at his meetings)

I am thinking of asking him to move out for a while so I can have some space and time to think. He starts a new job next week and is healed from his accident. I do still want to work on things with our marriage, but I'm not sure how to approach the separation subject to him... Any ideas?

(He has no family or close friends near us that he could live with, so he would need to get an apartment)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separations usually lead to divorce. To fix a marriage, it is better to live together. Since he cheated, it's up to you if you want to remain married to him.

What I suggest is that you get these two books: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". The two of you read them and do the work they suggest. You have weekly state of the marriage meetings where you discuss your marriage and the progress based on those two books. 

In 6 months, you decide if you are happy with the progress that the two of you have made. If it's good, continue with the marriage. If not, divorce. And then continue this if you stay together.

To be honest, those two books are better than most counseling.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Femme2016 said:


> Any ideas?


Your ordeal is certainly something that I encountered in my work and studies. Pregnancy and the post-partum period are times of incredible challenge for relationships.

How to approach the subject?

You would benefit greatly from a period of reflection, where you analyze yourself and the relationship, altogether. It is critical that you regain trust in your partner for the relationship to have any hope of survival (if that were your choice). It may sound controversial...... but he deserves your trust, if you plan to be in a relationship with him. Because, not trusting him is detrimental to your mental health. Approach the subject with him in an unwavering manner. You are first considering the impact and if/how you may move on/forward. Only after that may you evaluate whether he is in the picture or not. You NEED help raising this precious newborn. But, you need unconditional love and support. Insist on the fact that if he wants to have any hope of a continued relationship that he understand what you desire/need.

Relationship Teacher


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

RT, 

I disagree that he deserves her trust. He needs to prove to her that he can be trusted. And if he does that, then he can prove to her that he can be trusted.

My experience with cheaters is that many of them just take their bad behavior underground. So the betrayed spouse has to be given some tangible things that they can use to feel safe...

these are things like the password to all email and online accounts, password to his cell phone, he had to be transparent about where he is, who he is with and what he is doing. And he has to accept that she can check up on him at anytime. She can check his emails, his phone, pop in where he says he is, etc.


How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

What she does need to do is to make sure that she does not beat up on him emotionally. He will only open up to her and trust her with being transparent if she makes it safe for him to do these things. It is a very fine line to walk.

.


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Thank you, I think the baby is a big part of wanting to live separately for a while- when the baby is awake I push my feelings aside so I can focus on her. When she goes to sleep, he's here (unless he goes to a meeting ) so I feel like I get no time to work it out on my own and figure out what I want and howI really feel ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you take time to leave him with the baby and you go out and do things... like go for a walk, go somewhere to sit and think?


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

He has been transparent with email/phone etc, I'm not worried about him cheating if we separated- we both know it's about more than just that. I don't think I am emotionally punishing him either, I just feel numb mostly...which also concerns me


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Or maybe go to another room in the house by yourself?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are dead set on trying a separation, I suggest that you do a structured one. Since you cannot afford counselors, you two could set it up yourselves. Here is one plan that I put together a while back by searching on the internet and combining good ideas from different sources. You might also want to do some internet searches on the topic of “structured separation”


Structured Separation – A temporary, time-limited separation conducted with clear and appropriate guidelines for the purpose of rebuilding the marriage. It is understood that at the end of the separation, one or both spouses might choose to end the marriage if the separation is not successful. It should be done under the leadership of someone like your MC with weekly MC Sessions.

1.	Length of separation: Set a time limit, preferably 3-6 months.

2.	No attorneys: It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame. Both parties have to feel safe and that they will not be blind sided with a divorce filing.

3.	Terminating the contract: Decide whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement. But neither party will unilaterally terminate the contract and not inform the other.

4.	Living separately: Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.


5.	Financial Decisions: All monies should be split in a fair and just manner. Pay all bills first. Then split what is left 50/50. If one parent has the child more, then figure out child support according to state guidelines and agree to pay this on an informal basis. 

No large purchases (over $200) or debt will be incurred without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. No joint assets will be sold during the separation without the express knowledge and agreement of the other spouse. 

Some couples will decide to continue joint checking accounts, savings accounts, and payment of bills. Other couples will completely separate financial aspects of the relationship.... If there is any chance for [significant] disagreement, each person could take out half of the assets and open separate accounts. 

6.	Confidentiality: An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t. What are you both going to tell other people? Make sure your message is agreed upon by both of you. 

7.	MC Sessions: Agree to only talk about all the hard stuff and the bad stuff at weekly MC Sessions. Here is where you sort out problems that have occurred during the week as well as going back over the old stuff that got you to this point.”


8.	Quality Time to Be Spent Together 

1-2 weekly dates, just the two of you. Start with no more than 1 hour each. Expand the time as you both feel safe. 

1 weekly family date that includes your son. Again start with the 1 hour each and expand as time goes on.
Separate the irritation of your issues and daily life from your selves as former loves. You need a list of taboo subjects.. no talking about marital problems/issues, the affair, money, etc. Only positive fund things. The point is to do something that is fun and enjoyable, and to end before the good time gets ruined. 

9.	Chat time: If you want schedule chat time to spend together during the week. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing.

10.	Administrative Time: Weekly schedule to talk: administrative calls, where you only talk about business or kids-stuff. The time and length of each call would be decided in advance. Again, the point is to eliminate opportunities for arguing

11.	Intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.

12.	Personal Growth Experiences: You each can include as many personal growth experiences as feasible, practical, and helpful. 

13.	Relationships and Involvements Outside of the Relationship: No social involvement, romantic, and sexual relationships outside of this relationship. 

14.	Child Custody/Time-Sharing. Establish a joint agreement who your son will be with on which days with as close to a 50/50 split as possible. How/where/when exchanges will take place.

15.	Motor Vehicles: Ownership and titles not be changed until a decision has been made about the future of the marriage.

16.	Privacy and Issues of Trust: 

•	Both must agree about what the children will be told about this separation and the marriage relationship.
•	Access to the others’ mail, email, voicemail, accounts, other’s places of residence, etc.
•	What is the level of transparency needed to help rebuild trust. This must be the same for both parties.
•	Are unannounced spontaneous visits allowed?
•	Is monitoring/tracking the other part allowed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Feeling numb is normal. It takes 2 to 5 years for a betrayed spouse to recover from infidelity. You have hardly started the process.

You said that he is going to meetings. His he going to meetings where the other woman is? Or did he find new meetings to go to?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my Lady.

I am against Separation. It is another reason for spouses to cheat with no consequences. All they can say is "we are separated".

I belive if people really want to work together then they should stay together and work as a team or husband and wife like they are suposted to be.

Your husband was in Affair for a year and what is even worse it was time when you were pregnant. That hurts a lot.

What did he do for you to let you know he is changed and he will never do this again ? 

Is he still in contact with this woman ?

When he goes back to job he should go back to therapist but you know you cant force him to do it. 

No secret paswords or accouns.

What about him helping you with the baby ? He is father after all so he should be there for both of you.

Stay strong my Lady.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Lady, you're like the rest of us. Not perfect.

He owns the affair, not you. 

I once had to stay home while I was on layoff and babysit, do housework. I made my wife quit her job after I learned to respect that work.

He needs to take over some and let you have some space/time to your own. Do this first.

Separation is not a good idea.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

You were there during his recovery from a car accident and when he was jobless. I bet the OW wouldn't have stuck around. He is also a recovering drug addict. Is he showing that he is remorseful and grateful that you took him back? He had better be. Odds are if you separate he will start sleeping around again or start doing drugs or both. It will probably be the end of your marriage. if you are ok with that then separate, if you want to keep the marriage together then don't separate and do activities on your own so you get your own space.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Relationship Teacher said:


> Your ordeal is certainly something that I encountered in my work and studies. Pregnancy and the post-partum period are times of incredible challenge for relationships.
> 
> How to approach the subject?
> 
> ...


I think you will find he probably started laying pipe in the wrong trench before she fell pregnant. 

Also he has to EARN her trust. Trust is not to be dished out free of charge.

Your advice in this instance is flawed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> I think you will find he probably started laying pipe in the wrong trench before she fell pregnant.
> 
> Also he has to EARN her trust. Trust is not to be dished out free of charge.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree, I am just coming at it in a different manner.

Thanks,
Relationship Teacher


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Trust should not be given willynilly. It should be earned. Especially in circumstances like these.

I wonder if his addictive behaviour has found a new channel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Well he is supposed to tell me if he sees her at a meeting, it's not a large city and she knows where his home group is if she wanted to see him


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Thanks for all your feedback and support, it is much appreciated. From my reading it is recommended and our therapist also suggested we try to live together while we are working it out. Has anyone done this though (with kids or a young baby)? Any exercises while living together you found helpful? I think we could try designating time to talk after the baby goes to sleep.


I do think a lot of it comes from the addiction part of his personality, as they say being a drug addict is just a symptom but not the disease... He has major fear of abandonment and he did start to open up in therapy more. He felt he could talk more to other addicts and wanted to hide the bad parts of his thoughts or personality from me. I think that is part of my fear now too, I play the part of the "strong one" and he's the "recovering addict", but I also need him to be there for me when I need


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

He was shocked I took him back, and said he probably would have done it to me if roles were reversed. He says he loves me but doesn't understand how I could still love him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Femme2016 said:


> Thanks for all your feedback and support, it is much appreciated. From my reading it is recommended and our therapist also suggested we try to live together while we are working it out.* Has anyone done this though (with kids or a young baby)? Any exercises while living together you found helpful? I think we could try designating time to talk after the baby goes to sleep.*
> 
> 
> I do think a lot of it comes from the addiction part of his personality, as they say being a drug addict is just a symptom but not the disease... He has major fear of abandonment and he did start to open up in therapy more. He felt he could talk more to other addicts and wanted to hide the bad parts of his thoughts or personality from me. I think that is part of my fear now too, I play the part of the "strong one" and he's the "recovering addict", but I also need him to be there for me when I need


Yes, I did it with 3 children at home. They were all preteen.

We used the books that I suggested and did what the books said to do. That's why I suggested the books. They work.

I know a lot of couples who used those books to recover from infidelity. 

(We are divorced now but the reason for the divorce has nothing to do with his infidelity.. we divorced 10 years after the infidelity.)


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I lived at home for almost a year with two kids. The advice about a structured separation if you do it is great advice but if decide to stay then make sure you don't just let life stay over and ignore the issues. You spouse sounds very similar to mine STBXH, talk to your counsellor and ensure be does not have a personality disorder cause you might be fighting a losing battle.

Out of all the advice I got on this site and from friends is people only cheat when something in the marriage is broken so make sure you know what it is and understand it takes two to fix it. 

Good luck


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Save yourself ALL the heartache to come and divorce now. PALEEEZE, he cheated on you while you were pregnant! That's the lowest of the low unless it was with your sister or something.

I see no consequences in his future and a future of always having the addiction card to fall back on. 

I'd get rid of this albatross as soon as I could.

Good luck!


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sounds like supporting your cheating bad boy has taken the bloom of the rose. I've seen it so many times that woman don't do well having to take the majority of the financial burden. It creates resentment. Not to mention the thought that while you were at your most vulnerable carrying his baby, he's out wh0ring around.

A new baby can cause a person to reassess their life. You're looking at your WH with new eyes. Cheater, "former" druggie, injured due to recklessness, and now unemployed. Doesn't sound like much of a catch. 
As a new mother, you're now finding you don't have much need for a bad boy. You need a man. 

As for separation, it will lead to further detachment. Basically giving him time to test run the single life.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I think you can set up some strong schedules and boundaries so that you are getting a lot of 'free' time away from him, if you sit down and work it out. Time where he takes the baby somewhere or keeps the baby there and you go somewhere, things like that.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Just dont rush into this my Lady.

He have to earn your trust and your love and saying Sorry is not going to work.

Also think about future. Is he going to be there for you and your baby ? When problems come make sure he is going to support you,no matter what.

My best friend is single mom with two great kids. Her husband was abusive and he never helped her with kids. He wanted to hang around bars and do "male things".

They are divorced now for almost two years and she is different person,smiles all day. 
She said it was the second best thing she ever did in her life.

Now I am not saying you do this too. There is a lot of people with the same problems like yours and they are much better together.

Just dont rush,step by step 


Stay strong my Lady.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

While you have not mentioned approaching his group for suport, don't. His group's first goal is to keep it's members clean. Everything else is secondary.


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Thanks everyone for your support! As soon as he was feeling better and got a job I found out he was contacting her again. At least I now have my definitive answer that this will never change and he didn't really want to change, and can move on with my life for the better.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yikes! Sorry to hear that. I hope I have better luck on my end - so far so good, we're working together to mend.

It is very much time for you to move on.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Separation and divorce, if at all possible, is a requirement. No cheater deserves to try to heal a relationship from the comfort of an existing marriage. There needs to be a consequence for his bad behavior, and the separation and divorce are part of the consequences. If you ask me, he went back with her because you allowed him to stay with you. He was able to have the best of both worlds.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

"Laying pipe in the wrong trench?!!" MattMatt, you crack me up. :grin2:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Femme2016 said:


> Thanks everyone for your support! As soon as he was feeling better and got a job I found out he was contacting her again. At least I now have my definitive answer that this will never change and he didn't really want to change, and can move on with my life for the better.


Sad to read the latest updates, but happy to see that you're not tolerating his bullsh*t.

Good for you.


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

So... He came over on Valentine's Day and tried to give me a gift.. He just does not get it. All he could say was "I'm sorry and I know you still love me so give me another chance". I said how many chances do you want? I felt like I was looking at him with new eyes... His words seemed so empty. I feel remorse from some of the other posters on here who have cheated, but I really feel like he is just missing the comforts of home, but isn't truest remorseful or understanding of how much he hurt me. Trying to stay strong


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're doing great!


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Breaking your trust twice is about as bad as it comes. I agree that he should move out.

It will give you clarity to focus ahead. That said are you sure you even want to consider reconciliation in the longer term? Why give him a shot at strike three.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Femme2016 said:


> So... He came over on Valentine's Day and tried to give me a gift.. He just does not get it. All he could say was "I'm sorry and I know you still love me so give me another chance". I said how many chances do you want? I felt like I was looking at him with new eyes... His words seemed so empty. I feel remorse from some of the other posters on here who have cheated, but *I really feel like he is just missing the comforts of home, but isn't truest remorseful or understanding of how much he hurt me.* Trying to stay strong


As my 6th grade English teacher used to say...

"You _exactly_ right."

Honestly, it sounds like he got dumped.


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## Femme2016 (Jan 10, 2016)

Sports Fan said:


> Breaking your trust twice is about as bad as it comes. I agree that he should move out.
> 
> It will give you clarity to focus ahead. That said are you sure you even want to consider reconciliation in the longer term? Why give him a shot at strike three.


Nope, not looking for reconciliation at this point. what's the saying? Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me, fool me three times....I have a lawyer.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Good girl. Seems you have a handle on things


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