# It's been a while...



## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

First post here. I have been reading this site now for a few months and really have enjoyed the site thus far. 

My wife and I have been married for over 10 years now and with two kids (9 and 7). Long story short, we have not had sex since the summer of '07! We have not been really a couple for several years now, and I have been on the couch since fall of '08. We both love our kids and raise them well. We communicate well with regards to our kids, but just not to each other. 

We have tried the marriage counsel thing and nothing really came out of it. I have tried to talk to her about our lack of sex and other issues and we always seem to get into an argument without getting anywhere. 

Any advice?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Why have you been on the couch ?
Is your wife resentful about anything?

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Do you cave to keep the peace?

What is your argument style? Yelling? Ignoring ?

Does she nag you? 

What are the main sources of contention for you both ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Sorry Op but it sounds like your marriage has been dead for 5...going on 6 years.

What has happened to make you post here today?


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Trying to answer both post at the same time...

Why post now....kids went to bed early! LOL... Really has been on my mind for a while. 

Resentful, I am sure that she is. About what, I am guessing that I live my own life and she hers. We are just raising the kids. 

The rest of our relationship is OK...just civil. 

Do I cave to keep the peace...yes!

We used to yell at eachother but now, it is just that I am sick of you kind of arguments.

Does she nag? Not too much. That I do not mind.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

OP...wow, man. '07?!! There was a cat here who was 3 years without and I was blown away.

My first comment is - try another marriage counselor if you truly want your marriage to work.

My second comment is - if you think you're staying together for your kids, it's never a good move. Don't you think the kids wonder why mom and dad don't hug and kiss each other or smile and laugh with each other...OR GO TO THE SAME BEDROOM?!!

Even at those ages, they can feel it. My kids are 10 & 7. They know when my wife and I are having a tough day even though we do our utmost to shield them from it.

Why on earth are you on the couch and how do you continue to live this way?

Do you want to be married? Like really?!!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Man up and take control!

It is your house and your bed. You will sleep there. If she doesn't like it she can go sleep somewhere else.

You sound like you need to read No More Mr. Nice Guy by R. Glover. Go visit the forums at nomoremrniceguy.com/forums for some good support.

I stayed for my kids and I agree it is the wrong move almost every time. Chances are your situation is not unusual, so chances are it is wrong to stay.

Your marriage is between you and your wife. Your kids have nothing to do with it. Either the marriage is good enough or it is not. Obviously your marriage is not good enough because you are not having any kind of close emotional or sexual relationship. You are sharing the chores and sharing the parenting. You could do the same thing if you were divorced or if you were total strangers.

It is time to fix or end your marriage. Your kids are learning by watching you, and they will end up repeating your mistakes when they get married. I guarantee it.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Used, please listen to Mr. SomedayDig's post above. It's a good advice for your own good. It is obvious that the two of you are better off as business partners (with the business of raising emotionally healthy children) rather than being husband and wife.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks for all your responses. A lot to think about.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Try this.

Before she gets up and goes to the kitchen, have flowers in a vase with a romantic card waiting, saying how much you love her and wish her a great day.

Cuddle with her on the couch, under a blanket, your arm around here and don't expect or push for sex and watch a tv show you both would like to view.

Call a babysitter and surprise her with a dinner out, movie, walking by the beach, talking about life and holding her hand.

Before you leave for work, give her a back rub.

If you're home before she is (she works?), have her favorite dinner ordered in before she gets home.

When she asks you a question, what do you want, always tell her what you want and never say, whatever, doesn't matter.

Be the captain of the ship and she is your first mate.

Never beg for sex, only initiate and if she isn't in the mood, do something else without getting mad.

Never cave in to her and always stand up for yourself.

Don't be a nice guy but not a jerk either.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Thanks Cuddlebug. My only thought is once I even start doing something nice or out of the ordinary, she knows something is up. 

My question is, how does one go about bring up the question about sex with their wife?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

used to know said:


> ..My question is, how does one go about bring up the question about sex with their wife?


Mr. Used,

In your original post, you said :



> We have tried the marriage counsel thing and nothing really came out of it. I have tried to talk to her about our lack of sex and other issues and we always seem to get into an argument without getting anywhere.


 Therefore, it is a proof that your wife doesn't think your sexual needs as something important worth to be attended to. 

You said you have tried counselling and it doesn't work.

By withdrawing sex from you, your wife has neglected your important need, and that's NOT what a good wife are supposed to be doing.

You want to stay with a bad wife for the rest of your life? 

She is a good mother you said? But isn't she your WIFE too? aren't she supposed to be good mother AND good wife too?

Let's forget the fact that she's the mother of your children for a while.. Oops, scratch that. She could _still_ be the mother of your children WITHOUT being your wife.

Don't listen to any nutcase whom are saying that your needs are not important. They are EQUALLY important compared to your wife's needs and your children's needs. Your children need a father, If all your efforts to have a good marriage fails, you could still attend to your children's needs without having to be your wife's husband. You are still their legal and biological father!

When they grow up, they will understand.

Good luck!


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Used to know - ya know quite often the very thing that scares us the most is the ONE thing we must confront.

This HUGE elephant in your bedroom needs to be addressed! Ignoring it sure hasn't worked.

Can ANY reaction from your wife be any worse than the previous 6 sexless years OR the 20-30 years of sexless marriage ahead of you both.

Don't be scared off by her anger... I'm sure she's only defensive because she knows it's just wrong to expect this of her husband/spouse. Stand your ground because this IS important!

No-one gets married expecting to live a sexless life. 

Do you know if any one incident or occurence started this 'no-sex' stand? Abuse, infidelity? Or did the sex just fade away slowly? 

What HAS she said about the issue?

Is there any chance of cuddles/affection? What does she do if you touch her in any way? Is she at all responsive? Does she ever reach out to you?

Please do love yourself enough to do something about this now... or things will never change. You wife seems happy with the status quo...so YOU must be the one to bring this issue to the discussion table. Be brave! You deserve to have sex and affection and love in your marriage.

I do wonder if after so very long if you might need a sex therapist to get you both engaging and connecting.


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

I guess my perspective would be that it doesn't sound like much of a marriage period, sex or not.

Do you love this woman? Do you even want to be married to her?

I think you need to do some real soul-searching. You can still be a great father and not be married.


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

Thor said:


> Man up and take control!


I second this. Try NMMNG or MMSL books. The goal is to improve yourself to what probably got you noticed by her in the first place.

Now for the bad news. She is getting it from somewhere else or has a medical condition.


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

But people does insane thing when they're in love, Mr. Romantic


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Read married mans sex life by Athol. You need to man up and take your bed back.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

start snooping.I smell a rat.

or just buck up and file for divorce.

tell her its time to get your marriage back on track or you want a divorce. quit pu$$y footing around this is your one and only life don't waste it.


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## d4life (Nov 28, 2012)

As a woman, I cant imagine that she is happy with this either. Have you ever done anything to hurt her in some way? I ask this because I would never want to live like that, but I would hold back if my husband had ever cheated on me or if my trust for him was gone. I can so see me doing that. 

Have there been any other changes since the two of you were last together? Weight gain, or anything like that, that may cause either one of you to not be attracted to each other any more? Maybe an illness? 

Could there be someone else that she is seeing? She may not need that from you if she is getting it somewhere else.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

I used to sleep on the couch because I had trouble sleeping. I thought I was doing the right thing because I was not disturbing her why I was watching tv. I didn't realize this was wrecking my marriage for a few years. My wife needed the time before bed to talk and be heard to get her needs met.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

You no longer have a marriage. You have an agreement with a roommate and share custody. What a sad way to live. I am guessing that you work hard to support your family, yet you are sleeping on the couch like an unwanted guest. 

Please don't fool yourself into thinking that this is good for the children, I am guessing they see more than you think they do. Do you really want them to grow up thinking this is how husbands & wives interact? Is this the life you hope for them? What would you advise your son to do if he was in this situation? 

Do you want to save the marriage? Sometimes you have to be prepared to lose the relationship in order to save it. Arrange for a sitter for several hours, tell your wife you need to talk. Lay it all out, tell her you refuse to stay in a sexless marriage, even the church recognizes that as grounds for divorce. 

You deserve to be loved, respected and treated like a man. Find your self respect. And you deserve to sleep in a bed. Forget marriage counseling, you need individual counseling to figure out why you tolerate being treated so badly.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

Staying for the children is usually not the right thing to do. You want you kids to grow up in a loving household.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

It occurs to me after over five years of living like this you're pretty much beating on an equine skeleton. It's gone way past the point of a dead horse. 

I think a lot of us today struggle with how to conduct ourselves in a positive marriage because we had no role model. Many of us are the product of parents who stayed together "for our sake". I don't think you want to perpetuate this dynamic onto your children. Split up and let your kids grow up sharing time between two loving homes rather than one dysfunctional one. You, your wife and your children all deserve more.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What you need, is a girlfriend. Dump the baggage and find someone who can be a real partner.

Oh, and for the record, I smell a rat too. Something is not right here. Perhaps she's cheating. Or maybe you're a stay at home dad that she's supporting. I don't know, something just tells me we're not getting the whole story yet.


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## Jeradsjunk (Sep 15, 2012)

MaritimeGuy said:


> It occurs to me after over five years of living like this you're pretty much beating on an equine skeleton. It's gone way past the point of a dead horse.
> 
> I think a lot of us today struggle with how to conduct ourselves in a positive marriage because we had no role model. Many of us are the product of parents who stayed together "for our sake". I don't think you want to perpetuate this dynamic onto your children. Split up and let your kids grow up sharing time between two loving homes rather than one dysfunctional one. You, your wife and your children all deserve more.


Great post.


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## used to know (Feb 3, 2013)

Update...we are separated, as of last weekend. I'm moving into my apartment this coming Thursday.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry to hear that. But now you can start focusing on *you*.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

used to know said:


> Update...we are separated, as of last weekend. I'm moving into my apartment this coming Thursday.


Let me ask a few questions....

Why did you marry her?...

Why did she marry you?...

Did you ever have a satisfactory sexual relationship with her?....

Did you ever have a satisfactory sexual relationship with anyone?....

Did she ever have a satisfactory sexual relationship with anyone?....

Do either of you have a sexual outlet/affair partner?

Do either of you *want* a divorce?

What finally caused you to leave?

I am the habitual "work on the marriage" kind of guy. I think that if 2 people were once in love, the marriage is worth working on...

Enough questions. I am 66 years old, frequent poster on TAM, and I have been married 46 years. Sorry to say, I have had more marital sex since dinner than you have had in the last 5 years of your marriage.....

Let me say this before I get your answers. I am shooting blind, but here is my almost stock answer...It is my almost stock answer because it saved my marriage....

Last November our relationship was in a bad place. My wife and I decided divorce was not the answer, so we bought the book 
The 5 Love Languages". It has improved our relationship tremendously....

It is a set of tools that allow a couple to fulfill each others emotional needs.....It can be read in a weekend, and in my case showed results within the first month...

All it takes is BOTH partners wanting it to work....I was a total skeptic...I fully intended to skim through it in a couple of hours and $hit can it...It changed me much for the better....


good luck
the woodchuck


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