# Husband has shut down sexually



## Eire (Aug 5, 2010)

I am 29 and he is 28. At the beginning things were fine. But shortly after we got married he stopped wanting sex. He rarely initiates and if he does it's in his sleep. I know that's odd.

I have tried to talk to him about it. Ask him what he wants sexually and if there is anything I can do. He gets angry and says he will talk about it later. Or he just comes out and says "I just do not want to have sex!" We are closing in on 6 months of no sex.

I can arouse him and he does get amorous, but he simply will not have sex. Rejection is starting to get to me and I feel like it's me sometimes, but I know it's not. I have not gained weight, I have offered up new ideas, I have been open to his thoughts even tho he dose not share them.

If it was depression then I could understand that, but he still get sexually aroused and still will not have sex. I do not think he is cheating.We have no children and I am not pregnant.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

You should probably see a marriage counselor because this isn't going to get better unless it is addressed professionally.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Could be a lot of things. Any sexual dysfunction before the sex stopped? Erection or ejaculation problems can turn a guy off partner sex.

Could be problems with intimacy and getting close which makes him feel uneasy during sex. Often this can be masked before marriage. These problems usually have their roots in childhood trauma of some kind.

And there are many men in this world for whom the "chase" is the sexual turn on not the "catch" These men should never marry but they do and sex usually stops within weeks or months after the wedding.

Often the man is unaware of these problems or what's causing them. All he knows is the symptoms which is a loss of sexual desire for the partner.

In long term marriages a story like yours might point to a man who has come to prefer porn and masturbation over partner sex but your circumstances don't really fit the profile.

Depression and/or anxiety can also lower sexual desire as can the medications used to treat it.


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## Eire (Aug 5, 2010)

No porn. He hates porn. Before marriage we were like bunnies. He was fine sexually.
He is very affectionate. He loves to cuddle and hug and stuff, but the act of sex is not something he is interested in at all. I would like to see a doctor about it, and possible get some meds. But my husband would just say the meds made him ill or any other excuse to get him out of it.

As far as therapy goes, we have talked extensively about it. He dose not see the point because he does not think anything is wrong. He said that talking to a strange person about his sex life will not make him want sex any more than he does now.

When I initiate he gets annoyed and angry sometimes. Then I feel rejected and dirty.

I guess it is more than just sex. My husband does not do anything with me. He comes home, plays computer games, goes to sleep, plays Magic, goes to work and does it all over again. But he is not depressed. He says he does not want to go do things because the things he likes to do he can do at home. 

I am thinking these two things are related.


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## Resonance (Aug 11, 2010)

How much stress is your husband in? Has he gone through any situations that would cause depression? Does he take any drugs? Are there problems with family? Is there financial troubles?

This sounds like stress or depression to me. He may not be showing signs of either, but he is escaping reality by playing video games and separating himself from real life. You mentioned that you had talked to him - have you been direct and told him that you feel unloved, undesired, and neglected by the man you love? Sometimes it takes blunt words to wake someone up from the stupor they are in. Have you asked him what exactly it is or what is missing that has slowed down his sexual desires? I mentioned to someone in another post, but have you tried being aggressive and initiating foreplay? 

How long has this been going on?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Sounds like intimacy is making him uneasy. I would get him to see a psychotherapist rather than a sex therapist, couple's therapist or a medical doctor. Besides there are no pills that will increase a man's sexual desire. Well, actually that is not exactly true. There are a few, but a rise in sexual desire is a side effect of the main purpose of these drugs- treating Parkinson's Disease and some kinds of depression. Doctors usually will not prescribe them for sex problems.

But a few one on one sessions with a good psychiatrist or psychotherapist would probably do some good if it is intimacy problems that are causing him to lose sexual desire. remember these kinds of intimacy problems can be masked before marriage. They don't effect partner sex until the relationship gets solid and marriage will do that. This is why so many marriages that include men with intimacy problems start out fine sexually then everything stops after the wedding.


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## djl (Mar 29, 2009)

Eire said:


> No porn. He hates porn. Before marriage we were like bunnies. He was fine sexually.
> He is very affectionate. He loves to cuddle and hug and stuff, but the act of sex is not something he is interested in at all. I would like to see a doctor about it, and possible get some meds. But my husband would just say the meds made him ill or any other excuse to get him out of it.
> 
> As far as therapy goes, we have talked extensively about it. He dose not see the point because he does not think anything is twrong. He said than talking to a strange person about his sex life will not make him want sex any more than he does now.
> ...


Eire,
What makes you so sure that there is no pornography going on here? From the sounds of your posts he has normal physical reactions to your arousal attempts (usually). This suggests that there is not a physical problem. 
I used porn for years and kept it pretty well hidden. And many people who view it would prefer to keep that fact to themselves and would say something like they hate it to their spouse.
Therapy is a far different thing than talking with one another. When you have a therapist it can create a safe environment for both husband and wife to share and explore thoughts with one another. If he's having intimacy issues, and it sounds like he is, talking one on one with you, in an intimate way, would be a frightening thing for him.
Therapy puts a different look on interacting together.
I spent years "hiding" in the TV, Newspaper, Books, Hobbies and pornography because I had and still have intimacy issues. Sex was easy, fun and desirable when we were dating and early on in marriage, but becomes more scary and on feels more vulnerable as the relationship matures. 
I'm posting this with the hope that you will look more deeply at what is happening, or may be happening, in your marriage. It probably will not improve on it's own. 
Hope this helps.

Regards, 
d


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## friendlyguy (Jan 16, 2012)

This is very simple to fix: Trust me.

Your husband does not feel like he is the head of the household, ie, you are not respectful to him and do not defer to his wishes!

Lies, you say!!! Hear me out...it may be 2011...but, it's really 5000 B.C., always has been between men and women...now the media says, married couples are of two equal people, its a partnership...WRONG!...you may be much smarter and a better decision maker that your sweet husband, but you had better not show it to often! YOU HAVE DESTROYED HIS MALE EGO! Oh, you say, I have not! Better look closely at your interactions, and see how you control him and have shown him how much smarter you are....LOOK! Sounds like you have a very great guy with a damaged ego....No ego, no sex...believe me!

You figure out a way to show your submission to him, or your husband will NEVER ever have sex with you again...don't try to talk it out with him....that is useless to fix the problem...let him make all the decisions that he can, where to eat, where to vacation, etc...learn to influence him INDIRECTLY and not throw your opinions up to his face...go it...

You can listen to my words and start having sex again....OR....you can continue to BE RIGHT and watch this guy walk away one day...it's your choice....


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You may very well be right but you dont go the right way about it. You should have asked her these questions first and seen her reply. She is one year older and that may cause it. 
I would think the reason IS as she stated he doesnt want to do anything with ME. 
When did this start and why.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Impotence? Herpes? Has be always been a bottom?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I see the same problem here that occurs in most of these posts about sexless marriages. The spouse who withholds sex appears to be oblivious to the fact that it's causing problems in the marriage (a convenient stance for them to take). They refuse to address the issues with their spouse, with counselors or doctors.

So bascially the sexlessness seems to be filling some need of the withholding partner. They do not want to change. Perhaps it gives them power over their spouse that they feel the do not have otherwise. It can also be a very strong expression of anger.

When your spouse will not address an issue as important as sex in marriage, pehaps it's time for a divorce. You spouse is more caught up in their game of anger, control, power than they are in the marriage.


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## lostleahnc (Aug 30, 2011)

I dont want to add "fuel to the fire" or to make assumptions about your relationship, as it is difficult to gauge a situation through the computer and with a brief description of what is happening. I experienced my husband shutting down on me sexually as well. I started to find out why on my own because he was offering little insight as to what was happening and of course I was blaming myself. As it turns out, I got into his email and through the email server I was able to access his internet history, he was viewing pornography a great deal, most of which during the day when I was at work, and when I thought he was working from the home office, but he was online looking at all kinds of porn websites, this is something that completely stripped my marriage of the passion and love between two married people, it stripped us of our intimacy, it made him sexually numb, and if a man starts to view pornography, his "tolerance" so to speak builds as well until actual sexual intimacy is no longer "exciting" also its an easy release, theres no work involved, no actual love making, just a bunch of disgusting women online getting him his fix. 

I eventually confronted him, and his walls finally came down, it was so painful, but so freeing, he fessed up and completely came clean, he realized what the problem of pornography and how it has absolutely NO place in a marriage, and it is in fact infidelity. 

If this is NOT the case, and your husband has not been viewing pornography or seeking a sexual release elsewhere, there are a plethora of other catalysts that could be resulting in this issue. It could be medical, he could be feeling insecure, or shutting down emotionally and unable to make the connection between emotional and physical. If he wont talk to you about it, I would recommend doing anything you can to try and bring the personal connection back without him really feeling pushed. Going for walks alone in the evening, holding hands, having "quiet time" after work with just 15 minutes of no tv, and maybe just the two of you having a glass of wine and talking about the day. If these do not help, then I would recommend going to speak to someone professionally but talk to your husband about it first and urge him to come with you, ask him honestly to help you in finding answers. While a six month period of time to go without sex (especially being so young) is not that common, its also not completely unheard of. The most likely factor, is that it is something going on with HIM and not between the two of you, otherwise you would have some clue, and would not feel so lost. 

If you are religious in any way whatsoever, I would advise you should go and talk to someone at the church, or maybe just go to service, my husband and I turned to our church and began a marriage seminar there that has really helped to start to repair our difficult time. 

I hope this helps, my heart really and truly goes out to you


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