# Am I crazy, or is she acting odd?



## RandyMGent (5 mo ago)

Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

ALWAYS trust your gut. It may not always be right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.

I think you already know you’re not crazy. You have massive red flags, smoke and some burning embers at the very least.

Start investigating now. Quietly, don’t confront yet, don’t accuse.
Just investigate, check her phone, most anything you need to know will likely be in there. (and if you don’t have access, that’s a whole other problem).

It doesn’t sound like you’re leading your marriage at all, which is a huge problem and will always lead to issues.

Why have you accepted a sexless marriage?
That’s not leading your marriage dynamic, it’s passively ignoring it and allowing your wife to control it.
Which so far seems to be working out somewhere between badly and catastrophically, depending on what you discover.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yeah she’s cheating. Why do you even need to ask? Panties in a bag in her purse. Might as well have a smoking gun.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Yes she is acting weird. Lots of red flags. You could get a VAR and put it in her car. Where does her friend live?


----------



## RandyMGent (5 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> Yes she is acting weird. Lots of red flags. You could get a VAR and put it in her car. Where does her friend live?


He used to be a state police officer until he got fired for not getting vaccinated. She says he lives in a camper van and has been traveling the country but i don’t know I’ve never met him.


----------



## RandyMGent (5 mo ago)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yeah she’s cheating. Why do you even need to ask? Panties in a bag in her purse. Might as well have a smoking gun.


Part of me wants to just take the bag and hide it and wait to see if she says anything


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You’ve got to change your mindset


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RandyMGent said:


> He used to be a state police officer until he got fired for not getting vaccinated. She says he lives in a camper van and has been traveling the country but i don’t know I’ve never met him.


She has a “best guy friend“ who you’ve never met? 
When he’s not traveling the country in his camper, does he live near you? Has he been in your area to visit?


----------



## RandyMGent (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> She has a “best guy friend“ who you’ve never met?
> When he’s not traveling the country in his camper, does he live near you? Has he been in your area to visit?


Not that I know of, she says she worked with him in college all I pictured when she said he lives in a camper van was Chris Farley. I mean I’m gonna monitor a bit longer before I think about confronting but it’s for sure a sucky feeling to even think that she might be unfaithful while I’m trying to expand the business that I inherited when her dad passed, and blame me for not being around or attentive. She has said herself many times that her dad was so busy being self employed. All I can say is if she is it sucks but says a lot about her, going behind my back while saying the reason for no sex is she’s sad cuz her dad died and also being upset that I’m not around much trying to make his legacy a success.


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RandyMGent said:


> Not that I know of, she says she worked with him in college all I pictured when she said he lives in a camper van was Chris Farley. I mean I’m gonna monitor a bit longer before I think about confronting but it’s for sure a sucky feeling to even think that she might be unfaithful while I’m trying to expand the business that I inherited when her dad passed, and blame me for not being around or attentive. She has said herself many times that her dad was so busy being self employed. All I can say is if she is it sucks but says a lot about her, going behind my back while saying the reason for no sex is she’s sad cuz her dad died and also being upset that I’m not around much trying to make his legacy a success.


So do you have access to her phone? Texts, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook messenger, WhatsApp, Google voice, etc. you need to see what’s going on. Also check the phone bill.

Have you already checked all this, and if not, why, and when are you going to?


----------



## RandyMGent (5 mo ago)

DudeInProgress said:


> So do you have access to her phone? Texts, Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook messenger, WhatsApp, Google voice, etc. you need to see what’s going on. Also check the phone bill.
> 
> Have you already checked all this, and if not, why, and when are you going to?


She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out


----------



## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

RandyMGent said:


> She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out


Oh for ****s sake dude, why don’t you have access to her phone? Why don’t you have her pass code? Why don’t you have any power in your marriage whatsoever?
You don’t need to figure out her ****ing password dude you need to ask her what it is, and she should tell you.

so you’ve allowed a sexless marriage. Your wife has “best guy friends“ who she apparently spends a ton of time with, at least online/phone. You don’t have access to her phone and apparently can’t or won’t just ask her for the passcode.
It seems like you have no boundaries or power in your marriage at all.
Why?


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

RandyMGent said:


> Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?


You has a very serious problem with your marriage. You need to address it as opposed to hoping it will fix itself. 

Apologize to your wife for working too much and neglecting her. Tell her that you have concerns about your marriage and want to build a stronger relationship.

In the mean time, wear condoms on those rare occasions when you do have sex with her and make it impossible that you will impregnate her. If this is headed the direction it looks like it is going, having children with her will just complicate things.

Good luck, you know what is going on so deal with it.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

This scenario sounds somewhat familiar to another thread here. I hope it works out better.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> ALWAYS trust your gut. It may not always be right, but it’s always right until proven otherwise.
> 
> I think you already know you’re not crazy. You have massive red flags, smoke and some burning embers at the very least.
> 
> ...


His wife controls it? From how I read this he's the one not doing her. He's working 14 hours a day 7 days a week, then goes straight to bed.

His wife is basically single.

Yet somehow he's the victim?

He can dump her if she's screwing another guy but his current lifestyle is not compatible with a marriage.


----------



## cocolo2019 (Aug 21, 2019)

OP, if she is cheating, bail her out before your business booms out.


----------



## So far so good (7 mo ago)

You need to understand that once you confront, she will deny it, and she’ll take the A further underground… while she doesn’t know you are suspecting her, gather the evidence.

Like another poster said, pour a Voice Activated Recorder in her car. Put a GPS in her car. Check bank account, credit card statements and phone bills.
When you decide to confront her, demand access to her phone on the spot. Not after she goes on the bathroom to do something. Her phone is not "private", its marital property. It belongs to you as well. When in her phone, be in the lookout for female entries like "Mary". But I suspect your wife doesn’t make a lot of effortd to hide her affair.

Hire a PI if you can, he’ll follow your wife and tell you rather quickly what’s happening (if you can)

She’s a married woman who dates another man in plain sight and her excuse is that you don’t pay attention to her.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you’re working 14+ hours per day on average, when is there time to just chill and lead into sex? I admire your financial strategy but not at the peril of your relationship.

That said, your wife shouldn’t be chatting up another guy to make up for what she’s not getting with you. Maybe cut back your hours for a month and see if being around changes things or makes her anxious and question why you’re around so much. Her reaction may tell you all you need to know about what she does in your absence.

I’m not sure why people have emotional and/or physical affairs to fill a void in their marriage. It usually never ends well. Not saying she’s doing that, but affairs don’t happen over night. They start out just like this - chatting with “just a friend.” So, my advice - cut back your hours and see what happens. Not saying at all that your work schedule caused her to start chatting to another guy, it’s more that you need to see what happens if you do cut your hours back, if anything improves or gets worse.

If things get worse, if she’s put off or annoyed that suddenly you’re around more, then that would tell me you’re coming in between her and whatever else she is doing when you’re not around.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Working 14 hours per day 7 days per week tells your wife you don't love her or care about her. I understand that is not what you are doing. You think you are planning for the future & establishing your business but she sees it as she comes after work, your customers, sleep & everything else in your life. 

You may have already lost her to this guy. Your absence doesn't justify cheating but it does explain it. From her perspective you put work ahead of her & the marriage. When her father died she was casting about for comfort. You were MIA. He was there. 

You need to learn to work smarter & more efficiently & fast. Start with little things for her while you are learning to delegate. Leave her handwritten notes around the house, in her car etc. telling her you love her. Send her a sweet text at least once per day while you are at work. Cut back your hours at least one day per week so you can have date night, even if that is at home If you don't start treating her better & more attentively then your best customer you will never be able to fix this. 

Meanwhile seek help from your local SBDC -- it's a FREE government resource for small businesses. You need a better plan to run your business so it's stops ruining your marriage. Even if you divorce, you will still need to find time in your day to meet with the lawyers & then to date again


----------



## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You don't have enough yet. You need to gather more evidence, but it's not looking good right now. You said she does laundry as soon as she comes home.....I take it she works too?

I will say you can't work 14 hours a day, crawl into bed with no marital interaction day in and day out and expect the marriage to survive.

Life is more than work.


----------



## AlwaysImproving (5 mo ago)

lifeistooshort said:


> His wife controls it? From how I read this he's the one not doing her. He's working 14 hours a day 7 days a week, then goes straight to bed.
> 
> His wife is basically single.
> 
> ...


I came to say something similar. Well said.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I agree with Gabriel.

No one gets married with the intent to be alone most of the time. That said, cheating/monkey branching/flirting with others etc isn’t how you handle that situation.

As I mentioned, reducing your hours will tell you if things improve or don’t and then you can go from there. Being gone 14+ hours every day will hurt even the strongest of marriages, eventually.


----------



## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

What the h*** happened here?
Did I land in SI all of a sudden?

OP works like a dog sure, but so do thousands of others including the Military who never even come home all for months on end.

So his behavior somehow explains her cheating or minimizes it or justifies it at all?
B.F.S.

Bottom line she's a ****ty person. OP working 8 hrs per day wouldn't change that.

/rant


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

People are going to tell you to gather more evidence.
People will say do this or that.

My questions to you are this:
(1) is this unacceptable behavior?
(2) why are you working this many hours - do you realize this can ruin your marriage?

I ask these 2 questions to give this food for thought.
If you are unaware, working this many hours 7 days a week will kill not only your marriage, but you as well.
You have to fix that so you work "normal" hours. I get that you may have to put in more or less depending on the situation, however, working 98+ hours 7 days a week, statistically speaking, is impossible to keep a marriage and health.

Now onto to your wife's behavior. If this is unacceptable to you (and it should be) then tell her.
You can't control other people actions. You can control what you will put up with and how you act.
When you tell her you can acknowledge that you need to change your hours so you can be more in the marriage.
You can also tell her that she can do what she wants, however, you will also do what ever you want. If she continues to act this way, then you will let her go and she can be free to be with whoever she wants. You then stay in your frame and get your grind going to be a more successful you

Don't be a SIMP and tell her how you feel like this or like that and try to nice her into behaving differently or change yourself for fear of her leaving for another guy. She's acting shady. Period. End of story.
Don't put up with.
Don't accept it.
Don't investigate.
Don't waste another minute of your valuable self resources trying to figure out what to do.
She either tows the line and acts like your wife
OR
She doesn't tow the line and she can start acting like an EX wife

There really isn't anything more to discuss/worry about than that.

Then be prepared to boot her from your life. Don't be angry. Don't be emotional. You can be upset as it is normal to be upset that a relationship ended, but you keep emotions out of the equation when dealing with the end of a relationship.

For me, the saying if it walks like a duck and quakes like a duck, then it's a duck.
This pretty much fits your situation here.


----------



## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

The cheating would be more understandable if she had a talk with him first, maybe a couple talks, and only then if he was still blowing her attempts to communicate off, taken that HUGE step to violate her marriage commitment.

His priorities obviously need to change if he's going to be happily married to anyone, but - assuming we have the whole story - her flippant attitude toward her marriage commitment shows she's not really marriage material. Maybe she's not a bad person, just immature and not ready for it.

I haven't seen anyone else concerned at the fact that her "friend" is a cop who has been fired & lives a transient lifestyle... this would be a HUGE safety concern for me. Yikes. This Dbag checks all the boxes for a potential domestic abuser, or other unsavory behavior.

The OP needs to go see an attorney YESTERDAY (on the DL) and hire a PI to find out who this boyfriend is and what kind of loose cannon he might be. Don't try to gather evidence of infidelity yourself... leave it to the pros to ensure it can be used in court.

Small business owners especially need to protect themselves in divorces... having to sell/split assets can ruin a small business.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yes she is acting weird. Lots of red flags. You could get a VAR and put it in her car. Where does her friend live?


VARs are illegal in lot of jurisdictions


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Your WW is banking on you making money.

Her boyfriend who quit a good job will filll in for fun and excitement. 

She will likely be happy to cake eat.


----------



## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Your wife has basically checked off every box of the cheater’s checklist.


----------



## Reluctant Texan (5 mo ago)

General advice: if you're taking any steps toward legally protecting yourself from a cheating spouse, KEEP ALL THAT ON THE DL.

If you see an attorney, don't tell him or her! Pay cash if possible for the initial consultation. My attorney charged $500 for a one hour "lay of the land" kinda survey of the law and my situation and it was worth it. I paid this on the DL during a time my ex was being confrontational. When she started throwing around legal jargon of what she'd do and how she'd separate me from my kids, I knew she was full of it, and wasn't afraid to move forward.

Keep any documentation/communications at your office or otherwise away from where a snooping partner could find them. 

at the same time, keep a journal on what you've seen and observed of possible cheating behavior; being able to keep times and dates straight goes a long way to supporting your allegations. 

For example: "_She visited her lover on January 14, 2021, and I noticed when she came home at 4:40 PM she immediately showered and insisted on washing all her clothes. I found her car passed the toll booth in XYZ this same day, instead oF ABC where she claimed she was going. This behavior was repeated on January 24, February 1, etc.._" ...

... sounds a lot more believable than: "_I caught her lying a bunch of times and she is always showering when she gets home._"


----------



## Jeffsmith35 (Apr 8, 2021)

OP's first post sounded like a fantasy story of infidelity discovery. In no way am I saying that it isn't real....but given the details shared there is absolutely zero doubt that his wife is cheating.


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

RandyMGent said:


> Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?


I’d say you better talk to your wife and let her know why you are working so hard for her and the memory of her father and if she would rather then cut back on work now and focus more on your her, but then tell her that she is not going to continue treating you how she is currently and if she continues her current behavior she can then be out on her own because you’re not going to tolerate it. Best of luck!


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

RandyMGent said:


> She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out


Did you ask her why she changed her passcode she ne ER had a problem with you knowing it before ask her what’s up now.


----------



## Dictum Veritas (Oct 22, 2020)

So, we're shaming men for working hard now? That's frankly disgusting. No-one works those kind of hours for fun. If a man works too little, he's not ambitious enough, if he works too much, he has to accept a cheating wife?

Yeah, if my marriage fails, I'm not doing relationships again, it's not worth it if I had to run into someone with those attitudes.


----------



## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You put your job before your marriage. That wasn’t smart. I get wanting to make your business successful, but marriage should always be priority #1.

Having said that, obviously your wife is cheating and she can’t use “you work too much” as a valid reason. Affairs are NEVER justifiable.

IMO, once a cheat, always a cheat. I would divorce her before it’s too late..before you have kids and a successful business that she will get half of.


----------



## Jimi007 (6 mo ago)

Before I threw. My marriage away I would personally want absolute proof. Get the VAR and put it under the seat of her car. Place some in the house out of site. Who give sh#t if it's legal or not..Do it !


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I'm going to say some things that are not very polite, but you need to hear them. I'm speaking from personal experience and from MANY years as a successful entrepreneur.

Working 14 hours per day, seven days per week means that you are not a good manager. You cannot be accurate and productive over the long haul working that many hours. You need to hire an assistant immediately. If you can't find anyone who is as "good" as you are at your job, put your ego aside and hire the closest you can get. Pay him or her very well. Immediately begin delegating. If you use the excuse that your business cannot financially support paying another person, I'd question whether the business is worth saving. If there is an absolute deadline or timeline when the insanity stops, have you shared it with your wife? Cheating is 100% on the cheater, but you sure have made it easy for her to cheat.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Dictum Veritas said:


> So, we're shaming men for working hard now?


I believe the business OP has been slaving over was FIL legacy and OP wife’s inheritance. So really not his circus. Wouldnt be unusual for him to know nothing about running that business.

She is going to benefit, so maybe he ought just dump it in her lap and let her ex leo bf run it for her.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

RandyMGent said:


> Hey everyone, my wife (married about a year and a half) has been acting weird, or at least I think she has. I am self employed and therefore have to work 14+ hours a day almost always 7 days a week. I see it as that I’m trying very hard to build the business as much as possible before kids so I can hopefully be around more. She says I have not been paying attention to her but by the time I get home I feel all I have the energy for is a shower and sleep. We pretty much have a non existent sex life (maybe once every 4-6 weeks) since about 6 months before her dad died from cancer a little over a year ago. Here’s where I start getting in my head. I absolutely understand that grief can reduce sex drive but in the last few months the only times we’ve had sex has been in the middle of the night and the first time that happened the next day she said “I don’t even know if I knew it was you” later saying she was joking but…?? Skip to the last month or so I noticed she has been talking to her “best guy friend” a lot again like all hours of the day and she’s constantly grinning and laughing. By itself, fine glad you have a friend but she’s changed her phone password, does laundry literally every day as soon as she gets home and now I’ve just noticed a black lace pair of underwear wrapped up in a little cloth bag in her purse. She doesn’t wear lace underwear. Ever. I’ve also noticed like a dozen other new pairs of underwear lately but I never see her wearing them. Am I crazy or is she acting weird?



Is your wife working? If not, why isn't she helping you with the business.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

O, your wife is cheating on you.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If you are married to your business you shouldn’t have gotten married in the first place.
Secondly she apparently has a boyfriend. Let her go now. You’ll both be better off.
I would not waste time doing detective work or any of the you must save your marriage at all costs.
You haven’t been married long. Better to end it now.


----------



## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

RandyMGent said:


> She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out


Have you found concrete evidence yet?


----------



## HappilyMarried1 (Jul 21, 2021)

RandyMGent said:


> She changed her passcode and I haven’t been able to figure it out


Did you ask her why she changed her passcode and that a husband and wife should not have any secrets and ask her right then to see her phone.
Any other updates?


----------

