# suspicious



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I have no where else to turn. My own mother thinks it is not possible for my husband to be having an affair. We have been married 13 years almost 14. I started getting suspicious that my husband may be having and affair, in May 2010. ALONG time to be living with this feeling. Something is not right, something is off. If you are reading this, you know what I mean.

We hadn't had sex in well over 6 months at this point. After the birth of our first child together,in June 2009, things started changing, slowly at first then it got worse. My husband would spend all waking hours on his computer,(except when he was at work.) up all hours of the night coming to bed in the early hours of the morning.

I was going up the stairs one day,(may 2010) carrying the laundry up. Him and his son were down stairs and I over heard them talking. My husband said something about having a woman come over to give him BJ and his son asked how he would get her in the house. My H said threw the window. Another occasion I over heard - I was in the back bedroom and my H and his son were in the kitchen as i was walking back to the kitchen i thought I over heard this: H's son - "how many times have you banged her?" H "only twice!" - I have replayed this over and over in my head a million plus times and I can't come up with anything else I could have heard, but what I heard. I thought i didn't hear it correctly, that it has to be something else. 

My husband has changed, he is no longer the man I knew. He is distant, cold. He doesn't seem to care about me anymore. He does not give me any type of affection, hugging, kissing etc. (he does give me a little peck when he leaves for work) He doesn't touch me anymore. Sex is something of the past, it really ever happens. I have talked to him about things and he just blows it off like it is no big deal. And it is all in my head. That is what he told me when i asked him if there was someone else "it's all in your head." 

I do not believe anything he tells me anymore. I do not trust him either. This "feeling" is here for a reason. And I am sad to really say it, but it has never been wrong (past relationships) 

I am stuck. I love him. I have dug, believe me. i have used key loggers. I did ask him to get his cell logs for me, (he had cricket and u have to request the logs.) but he had a fit and said i should just believe him when he tells me that he isn't doing anything. I kept on it. He finally went to get them, He lied to me when he told me how much they would cost. I called the cell store and asked them how much it was to get them.

The only thing i haven't done is sit at his work and watch. I can't afford a P.I. I have thought about asking his X (i talk to her a few days a week on Facebook) what he was like when he met me (he was with her when he met me.) Not the best idea i have ever come up with and probably not a good idea, I have to know. I have to put this to rest. Am really going crazy or is there something really going on.


----------



## valeriedp (Feb 13, 2011)

I'm so sorry. I can totally understand how nervous and upset you must be. One thing I can say, is i wish i didn't know so much about my husbands affair. when i found out, I talked to the gf and got all the details, and it totally killed me. All i can think about is what she said. Maybe i would try thinking about how you can fix your marriage (if thats what you want to do), and focus on today. I know this is way easier said then done. It totally sucks to be in this position.


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Your gut feeling is usually right. There's got to be a way to get the evidence. How old is his son? How is your relationship with his son? Those seems like odd conversations between father and son. I guess he is confident his son won't tell anyone.


----------



## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

If you are able to, install a keylogger on his computer. It seems that his son is definitely an enabler of the affair.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

I know gut feelings are normally right. That is what scares me the most. Nothing I do will make it go away. This has been going on for almost a year now. Everyday that it continues i die a little more inside.Pretty soon there will be nothing left of me.

I have given my husband 15 years of my life, my heart and my soul.

I have tried a key logger many many times, I found nothing. But i did it after i confronted him (i know i shouldn't have confronted him about it until i had the proof.) I think that the affair is being carried on while he is at work. He has access to a computer and a phone and a semi-private place. He has stopped almost all of his computer activities at home.

His son is 18. My relationship with H's son is great. I don't want to be the last to know (even though I probably am.) I do agree that it is a strange conversation between a father and a son. 

As far as fixing my marriage, I have but it all seems one sided as far as that goes. I have talked with him, Written my husband letters Nothing is working. As sad as it is, if this is what is really going on, I can not forgive him. It is a deal breaker for me. Not after everything that has gone on. I really need to put an end to this no matter what the finding are. It really is the not knowing that is the killer. 

If he would own up to it, and stop being a coward then maybe i would stay and try to fix things with him. 13 years is a alot of time to be with someone to just throw away.

I am thinking that later today, i will drive to his work and sit and watch to see if anyone comes to see him or meets someone outside. It is a long shot, but i have nothing else to go on. What do you think?


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Ladyybyrd, as a guy who has cheated, I wouldn't discount your feelings. I'm sorry to say that. I'm not saying he's cheating, but his behaviour sounds familiar.

One thing I'd throw out there is that even with his cell phone logs, there's plenty of ways around that. Skype is a big one... No record of the phone calls in your phone log then, just data being used. You can also use MSN, FB, or Yahoo Chat instead of SMS messages. Creating a new e-mail account takes all of about 3 minutes. And as you said, he's moved the majority of his computer usage to his work, so the key logging won't turn up much, most likely.

C


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Where do I go from here. I can't continue to live this way I feel like i am alone in my marriage. How do I find out if there is something really going on? He fails to see what all of this is doing to me, to us. I can't get out of bed anymore. I have no more ambition to do anything. I am depressed all the time. I am so lost.

We were happy once. I never thought i would ever be going through this with him. I guess i was wrong for trusting someone who I thought would never do this. It took me a very long time to finally put all my faith and trust in him to begin with. Things have really changed over the last 2 years, between him and I.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

When I was training over at Langley, we were trained a technique dealing with social engineering. (This is kind of risky) You could confront your husbands son when your H is not around and simply tell him you overheard the conversation and that you really are hurt your H is doing that. And simply convince him that you are hurt and want to know what happened between his dad and the girl and that this isn't how a male should treat his wife. 

It may seem pretty out there but the biggest weakness in any lie or covert thing is the people involved. If you can show the son how hurt you are and how much you love his dad, he may fess up about the dad telling him all this stuff.


(WARNING: This could also lead to the dad and son getting into an argument though, but when push comes to shove, you deserve to know the truth and the H put himself in this position.)


I'm sorry to hear about everything and I wish you the best! Let me know if you ever need anything.


----------



## bluesky (Jan 29, 2011)

This is an easy one.....get your ducks in a row and file for divorce IMMEDIATELY.

He is obviously cheating on you.
What more evidence do you need?
Your husband admitted to his son that he banged someone twice.

"how many times have you banged her?" H "only twice!" 

Futhermore, he said "My husband said something about having a woman come over to give him BJ and his son asked how he would get her in the house. My H said threw the window"

You don't need a PI, keyloggers, etc.

File asap.

I would be willing to bet, when he receives the papers he will backpedal and want to work on the marriage.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

ladyybyrd, when did these encounters happen? You didn't specify if they were before or after your marriage.
Yes, he could very well be cheating, but is there also a possibility that he was telling his son about his "wild oats" days, before you were married?


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

The first conversation occurred last summer and the other one occurred this fall.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Yes, but when did the ENCOUNTERS, not the conversations, happen?


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Oh sorry. The conversations sounded like they were present-tense not past-tense. Like "how many times have you banged her?" and not "how many times did you bang her?" So i figure that it was present tense and during our marriage.


----------



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Ladyybyrd, have you been around guys when they think no woman is around? They will talk about past sexual flings like talking about yesterday's ball game. My friends and I still brag about our "scores"-that happened over 20 years ago! The point is, he may very well be talking about his younger, wilder days, because even though I am faithful to my wife, I still remember past relationships, and sex in said relationships, like they were yesterday. A man does not forget these things easily. All I have to do is hear Chris Isaak's "Wicked Game", (early 1991) and I am buried under an avalanche of memories from that long ago-they seem like they were very recent!


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Maybe that is what it was, but I think that is an inappropriate subject for a father and son to talk about. Maybe fathers and son's do talk about that kind of stuff. I wouldn't know.

I did ask him about what i overheard, both times not long after either one happened. My H told me he did not remember those conversations.

I have also heard "other" things. Small things between the two of them. It could be it is nothing, but something tells me there is more going on then I know or my H wants me to know.

I am getting to my breaking point. I don't trust my husband, anymore and it all stems off from what I have heard them talking about and my H has no "recollection" about what was said. I will sit here and wonder about what the truth really is until i have had enough. I have almost had enough.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Maybe that is what it was, but I think that is an inappropriate subject for a father and son to talk about. Maybe fathers and son's do talk about that kind of stuff. I wouldn't know.

I did ask him about what i overheard, both times not long after either one happened. My H told me he did not remember those conversations.

I have also heard "other" things. Small things between the two of them. It could be it is nothing, but something tells me there is more going on then I know or my H wants me to know.

I am getting to my breaking point. I don't trust my husband, anymore and it all stems off from what I have heard them talking about and my H has no "recollection" about what was said. I will sit here and wonder about what the truth really is until i have had enough. I have almost had enough.

It's like beating your head against a brick wall. Knowing, but not really knowing. I will always be the last to know.


----------



## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Should I ask his son, even though it happened a while ago? I have wanted to ask him about it, but i never really knew how to go about asking him.


----------



## LostandNervous (Jul 13, 2010)

I wish I could give a definite yes or no to the question of asking his son. Honestly, it boils down to what you feel is worthy of using to your advantage and finding what really happened. If you were to ask his son, just do it at a time where you two are alone and try to just bring it up as a "I have a quick question and I realize this may be awkward" type question. Chances are: your H not remembering any of the conversations is a defense mechanism for him because he knows if he keeps shooting you down saying he doesn't remember, you will sooner or later stop bringing it up. 

I understand it does feel like you are beating yourself against a wall but the trick is try and persuade his son to confess the conversations to you, with that kind of evidence in your hand, you become the one with the upper hand. This can lead to you bringing it up with your H and hoping he feels the "Oh ****! I'm caught" and confessing. 


Just put your point across to his son that you feel like something is going bad between you and his father and want to save the relationship but can't save it if he is going behind your back and hurting you repetitively. 

If the son shoots ya down, oh well, move on and you will always be more aware of any red flags your H raises and just work your way towards catching him some other way.


----------

