# something i ponder



## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I've been wondering lately about the difference between being alone versus being lonely. They say the true measure of happiness is being able to be happy while alone. Here's where I veer off, I really am the type of person (my love language) is words of affection and physical touch. That being said, how will I truly get to the point of being happy alone if I still crave that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

Great question. I have the same love language and am a twin, so being alone is literally unnatural to me. Living alone STINKS for me too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Yep, I am not alone, no partner tho and sure as F am lonely.


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## Bitter+Sweet (May 19, 2012)

I think most of us that you can be with someone and be miserable and unhappy. It is easy to say but we have to be happy ourselves before someone else can be happy with us. There was something about all of us that made our spouse attracted to us in the first place. If they saw that you were happy, friendly, etc. then I think that adds to the attraction you have.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Even if you aren't involved in a relationship, it's still possible to have your two love languages met.

Words of Affirmation (not affection)

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
This love language can come from wide variety of sources--family members, friends, and complete strangers. Do things for others, excel at a hobby, praise others on their accomplishments. Those things are sure to come back to you in terms of unsolicited compliments.


Physical Touch

This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.
This need can be met by other people, not just a lover. Even a beloved pet can meet this need.

You currently feel LONELY and don't see the full potential out there. It is possible to be alone and not feel lonely. It did take a few years for me to get to that point though.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

I think if I'm hnest with myself this has also been tough to go without becase my stbxw has a boyfriend now, and she is giving him all those physical touches and words of affection I used to receive
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

I agree about having your needs met in ways other than with a partner. Being single has helped me to develop in that way and it's at the point where if I did have an intimate relationship, I would not let these other connections suffer/starve. Being single has also helped me to be more evaluative (for lack of a better term) when I am thinking about a partner and what he would bring to the relationship. Dealing with loneliness is like dealing with any other emotion. You just have to observe it and accept it for what it is and not get too attached to it. Living in a small community it's easier, there's always events to go to and I often connect there with others, single moms, couples, one person in a couple, etc. I'm not sure why, but in a small town you become more aware of individuals who go to the gym, go to work, go shopping, do things with their kids, as individuals rather than couples. I guess it's more of an awareness that even though people belong to a couple/marriage/intimate partnership, they still function as individuals and spend a lot of alone time. Whether they feel lonely or not is probably neither here not there. I look at it this way...when I was in a bad relationship/marriage, I didn't experience loneliness a lot of times, because in my mind I was in an okay relationship. So the times when my partner was away, etc. I didn't give any thought to loneliness, but I was alone. However, if I knew then what I know now, I would have been lonely and frustrated. Who knows, maybe I was. The point is, feelings are subject to interpretation of the situation, not really on the reality of the sitaution. So when I find myself in a sitaution that seems to lead to feelings of loneliness, or any other feeling, I accept that it might be entirely due to my interpretation/filtering/censoring of the situation, and that therefore the feeling is just that, a feeling. I try to bring myself back to the present and to accept my responsibility and desire to be present in my own life. Accepting that responsibility eases any loneliness. The fact is, other people count on others to be present in life in order to avoid loneliness. When you become present in your own life, it's easier to connect to friends and family and others who are alone and also being present in their own lives. Most if not all of inventions and ideas that benefit society, were created in isolation. Learning to be alone even though you might have to deal with feelings of loneliness, is really a gift to others. I find that without an intimate partner, I am more available to others. So it's a good period of time for me. I am learning how to be solid, and in touch with myself, and stable and not so reactive or attached to what others might provide...not to say it's not good, but it's better to be more attached to inner spirit than to other's affirmations.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Homemaker Uno.....WOW! Your post broke through all my barriers and just spoke to me on such a level, thank you.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> I think if I'm hnest with myself this has also been tough to go without becase my stbxw has a boyfriend now, and she is giving him all those physical touches and words of affection I used to receive
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only if your focus is on HER.

(There is a pattern to our communication)


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad...yes you are right


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

This: 

"The point is, feelings are subject to interpretation of the situation, not really on the reality of the sitaution. So when I find myself in a situation that seems to lead to feelings of loneliness, or any other feeling, I accept that it might be entirely due to my interpretation/filtering/censoring of the situation, and that therefore the feeling is just that, a feeling." 

is brilliant. Thanks for sharing this. 

Also something that it's working for me (I did it this morning actually) is to tell affirmative words to yourself. While driving my son back to his mother this morning I felt sad knowing I won't see him the rest of the weekend but I said to myself -- "I'm ok. I'm happy. He's happy. We're fine." And it worked for me. I instantly felt better.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Script,

Sounds like you're moving toward claiming your happiness.

It's very simple, but it's not always easy.

Get ready for the world to start reflecting it back to you.


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Conrad, 

I haven't updated my thread because there's really not much to update on. Still NC with STBXW. Yesterday I had him the whole day and was surprised that she didn't text asking how he was in the morning. I do this every morning when I don't have him no matter what. Feel like I need to know he's fine. Not saying she's a bad mother but sometimes maybe we give others more credit then they deserve. 

I remember you said after I forgive myself the experience would be liberating. I'm feeling very positive about things and with the new understanding I have can control my own emotions instead of letting outside factors control them/me. 

Overall I've had a good couple of days after the last argument.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Just stay @50,000 feet - as if you are observing her for the first time. This is observation time as you look towards your next move.


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