# Does the Sex in Marriage section make marriage seem stupid?



## ntamph (Apr 23, 2013)

I had a great Christmas. And now that I've returned to TAM, the Sex in Marriage forum has been depressing lately.

Why would anyone sign up for what people (especially married men) go through? There are happy stories but there are mostly horror stories. 

I think I have a great relationship with my GF and I'm not even thinking about marriage for another year or two or three but that sub forum can just crush your soul sometimes and make you lose trust in anyone.

Have the posts in the sex section made marriage seem like a bad idea to you?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

To me, that SIM section screams about better communication, better understanding, and better assertiveness. 

Had lunch with my nephews today, late teens early twenties, and the subject of marriage came up. I asked what they thought, given their generation, the point of marriage was. They got this goofy red faced look like "duh for sex!" I wanted to laugh and explain some things to them. Perhaps another time Aunt Pink can talk to them about women's needs, men's needs, and how to communicate to get those need understood and met. Today was not that day.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

ntamph said:


> I had a great Christmas. And now that I've returned to TAM, the Sex in Marriage forum has been depressing lately.
> 
> Why would anyone sign up for what people (especially married men) go through? There are happy stories but there are mostly horror stories.
> 
> ...


Nope, I had my own "real-life" experience that made marriage seem like a bad idea and helped me realize that I'm quite happy being single.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There are happy stories (my second marriage), horror stories (my first marriage), and the majority of people who never post or have never even heard of TAM, most of whom are probably doing alright. You don't hear much from or about the vast middle ground inhabited by most people.

Yes, the cautionary tales should give you pause, and make you take your time and really evaluate your priorities and relationship to see if there are any of the signs and issues that can point to current and future problems. Too many hope for the best and end up with much less.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are a lot of people looking for help here and a few who are simply curious and want to know more.
Everyone wants to grow and improve their sex life and possibly help someone else with a problem.

Just realize that there are quite a few healthy and happy folks here as well, we just mostly read and once in a while share in the hopes of helping someone.

Usually it is someone in distress of some sort that starts a thread.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

The SIM section can be depressing but the same goes for the other sections as well. Don't you all experience frustration, anger, empathy, and all the other range of emotions as you read these posts? At the end of the day as much as I get frustrated with this place at times I cannot deny that what I learned here likely saved my sanity and my marriage.

I am also in the same mindset of Anon. I see so many of my young nieces and nephews falling into relationship traps and I often fall back on things I have learned here to impart information to them. I think it is a godsend.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

I only wish that the TAM site existed before I got married over 21 years ago. It would not have dissuaded me from marriage (well, maybe the infidelity section would) but it would have helped me make better choices. I believe in marriage ... with the right person ... but in this case, I think I jumped in believing (incorrectly) that I could fix any potential problems and intentionally ignored the red flags (and was completely oblivious to others).

To Anon's point I remember an embarrassing conversation. I was dancing with one of my wife's friends during one of those dollar dances at my wedding. She was not a particularly attractive woman and near the beginning of my relationship with my wife, she was quite jealous that I hadn't picked her instead. I can't remember how the conversation started or what was said initially ... I just remember saying "well, at least I can get laid on a regular basis." I remember her then laughing at me saying "I can get laid anytime I want with whoever I want. I'll probably find somebody to have sex with tonight." Hell, it was my wedding night and I didn't even have sex that night.

I want to be able to go back in time and talk some sense into that 25 year old knucklehead version of myself.


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I think the SIM forum is very sad, a lot of honorable married men trying to be remain faithful to their wives...


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

I just landed after three connecting flights from half way around the world.

I have read articles and seen reports that planes crash. Does that mean that ALL planes crash?

Of course not... but there will be no headlines tomorrow about how the three flights that I took today did not crash...

The Sex in Marriage forum is for those who are having issues with sex in marriage.

The ones who are not having issues are not posting - or they are offering advice.

My point is that you cannot take that forum and extrapolate it into a conclusion that all marriages are stupid. Are there issues within marriage revolving around sex? Yes.

Are there issues while dating that revolve around sex? Yes.

This is the issue confronting all relationships...How do two separate identities work toward one goal? In a good relationship, with two strong people there SHOULD BE some issues. And those issues SHOULD be worked through and they should make the relationship stronger.

Finally I have to take issue with this...



ntamph said:


> (especially married men)



You will find as many threads on these forums about husbands who are not romantic, who do not help around the house, who are not interested in sex, etc. etc. as you will find threads about husbands being in depressing sexual situations...

Again...the issues are there to be worked through. And they exist in all relationships, even dating relationships.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I don't think of it as depressing or soul crushing.I think of it as a warning label for what can happen if DH and I ever stop communicating. It's a model of what will happen if we stop working as a team and start treating each other as untrustworthy enemies.

It's a guide of what not to do and I find that very useful in remembering what's important.


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## Gomerpyle (Dec 27, 2013)

ntamph said:


> Have the posts in the sex section made marriage seem like a bad idea to you?


Yes, for those people. 

For me, marriage is awesome.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

over20 said:


> I think the SIM forum is very sad, a lot of honorable married men trying to be remain faithful to their wives...


I sometimes question if they are more afraid than honorable. Afraid to start over. When you read the posts you can't fathom how anyone can put up with what they are going through. 

Regarding marriage TAM is not the real world. Most married couples do have sex regularly, and believe it or not many of the men that would be described as beta on TAM have awesome sex lives with their wives.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I hardly frequent the SIM section anymore because it's too painful to see men and women trying their best to figure out why their wives and husbands wont have sex with them, and their spouses seem not to care.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> I hardly frequent the SIM section anymore because it's too painful to see men and women trying their best to figure out why their wives and husbands wont have sex with them, and their spouses seem not to care.


Then I feel honored that you have been posting in my thread on SIM!  I sincerely mean that because I believe you have a good insight on marriage and sexuality.


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## Janky (Nov 26, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I hardly frequent the SIM section anymore because it's too painful to see men and women trying their best to figure out why their wives and husbands wont have sex with them, and their spouses seem not to care.


X2

Having been through this once myself and wasting almost a year trying to do all the right things and communicating, only for her to say "deal with it".

I would leave in a heartbeat if it was to ever happen again.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

ntamph said:


> I had a great Christmas. And now that I've returned to TAM, the Sex in Marriage forum has been depressing lately.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



In contrast, LTSiM makes marriage seem like it is an option that works out well for others. I don't take the post in SIM or the CWI threads to represent the majority of marriages. They do represent some very unfortunate outcomes, but may not necessarily be the obvious evolutionary path ever marriage takes. 

It is wise to take your time and choose wisely, considering all facets of the other person. And, now is the time to establish clear communication on so many issues. I wish you well. Aloha


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Almost any of the threads on TAM can make marriage seem stupid because people come here to seek support and advice for their problems. All human relationships are going to have difficulties, and we want to learn about what has worked for others in a similar situation.

Why start a thread about how wonderful your sex life is? You would be told that you are bragging, exaggerating, or gloating over your good fortune.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

ntamph...I think the SIM is really great for a number of reasons. For one, every married person should be fully aware of just how quickly things can go bad. I think newlyweds should have to read the SIM section every night! And then they will know the reality of what *can* happen. It is kind of like knowing that certain things cause cancer, and if you avoid those things your chances of getting cancer are much lower. 

People who have no sexual issues will never find SIM most likely, because they won't go looking for help. So it is great it exists for those who need it.

In your case, you should be reading lots of stuff about intimacy...so that you can understand the basis of what makes sex good and it CAN last a lifetime.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

The reason SIM is depressing is that most people, like me, only find it after there are problems. Like the insurance market, you don't see healthy young people sign up for it in order to even it out.

But I've seen similar warnings in real conversation as well as myriad forums prior to finding TAM, but didn't believe it, as most young people don't. As with drunk driving, you don't think you'll be the one anything bad happens to, especially if you have friends who are the lucky minority you drunk-drive all the time and drive as well as when they are sober. (They communicate well, yup, that's it.)


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I feel , besides Mismatched Libido's (so common)...the largest problem in marriage is a slow growing *Resentment*...which can be over literally ANYTHING (even the Higher drive pestering the Lower drive spouse)... stuffing one's feelings till the love has withered like an old stick.. most of us ENJOY physical pleasure...don't we ?? Surely !

But when Resentment of any sort eats away at your soul...we are repulsed by the touch of that person..we loose something very valuable, and can't find our way back to each other... this takes vulnerable communication and honesty, caring for the needs of your spouse, it will always take 2. 

I distinctly remember this one male posters story.....another sexless marriage....... only to learn after years of suffering.... she was masturbating... now I don't know why in the world she was so repulsed by her own husband.... but WOW... he was so crushed by this...all those years feeling she was Low Drive & it wasn't Him....Finally that was the last straw.... he divorced.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

skype said:


> Almost any of the threads on TAM can make marriage seem stupid because people come here to seek support and advice for their problems. All human relationships are going to have difficulties, and we want to learn about what has worked for others in a similar situation.
> 
> Why start a thread about how wonderful your sex life is? You would be told that you are bragging, exaggerating, or gloating over your good fortune.


:iagree:

Asking on TAM whether marriage is a good idea is like going to an alcoholics anonymous meeting and asking if alcohol is a good thing.

TAM is skewed to those who have experienced bad marriages. The vast majority of people in happy healthy marriages aren't posting here. Why would they? They're happy going about their lives. So I don't think TAM is representative of the general population. There are though some people on TAM who have strong, happy relationships and they have an interest in discussing them.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Coffee Amore said:


> *There are though some people on TAM who have strong, happy relationships and they have an interest in discussing them.*


I very much enjoy discussing marriage...everything about it... I love being married.. always have.. for a time I took my husband for granted, too wrapped up in our children... we were always close but it could have been more so.... 

I no longer do this..in it's own way, this is my giving back... with all this writing, I will never ever forget or again take for granted something so precious...

If my husband would have died on me years ago when my head was off in wonder land/ sleeping with our babies in bed between us ... crashed on the darn floor beneath us.......I don't think I would have ever forgiven myself .


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

Ditto to everything. I come here because Anon keeps me grounded .
And venting here is safer than saying something stupid to my wife. But also I love the married sex tips. It's too easy to get down reading about sexless marriages. Read the ones about the good stuff instead!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> sleeping with our babies in bed between us ... crashed on the darn floor beneath us.......


Funny story about some good friends of mine. They have two kids and whenever one of them comes to their bedroom in the middle of night because of the boogey man. They sometimes wait until the kid falls asleep in their bed, and then they go have sex in the kid's bed. Disturbing yet hilarious. I'm sure when the kids get a certain age they will tell them about this. I'd like to see their expressions when they hear it.


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## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

ReformedHubby said:


> SimplyAmorous said:
> 
> 
> > sleeping with our babies in bed between us ... crashed on the darn floor beneath us.......
> ...


Lol, gross. Weird, I have two girls 9 and 12. I had them in my 30's. I don't feel particularly old but my parents were younger than I am now by the time I graduated college and moved out. Actually I think I was married when they were the age I am now. They seemed really old to me and the whole idea of them having sex seemed really gross.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

SIM section can be very depressing, but like ScarletB said I also use it as a learning tool to keep sex in the forefront of MY mind. My husband is HD while even though I am not LD I'd say I have mid-range drive, so that section helps me to try and keep sex a focus. It also helps me and my DH's communication as we are both on this site and discuss certain posts regularly. It's great to hear his opinions and values


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## MrHappy (Oct 23, 2008)

You also have to remember a new year is about to begin. Many people are looking back over the year and noticing stuff they want changed. I personally find the General section to be the most depressing and try to avoid it.

Also not many are on TAM just posting how good marriage is going. Most people do come here with problems big or small.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

I had no idea so many married people just don't like sex or don't like it with their spouse. It is very sad.


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## Waits4Mr.Right (Oct 29, 2011)

Yes, it seems to me that once you say the "I Do's", all Fun Including sex seems to fly out the window. Almost as if, "I've got the girl, so now i don't need to to try anymore" theory. I'm really scared this will be the case with my current boyfriend. He keeps refusing how he understands how the sex slows way down later on in the relationship. I'm like, "I Don't! " then again maybe i have a high sex drive and he's in his slowing down stage. I'm 38, and he's 62. Just like I told him, quality time is important, but sex is right on up there too. I have to have both! They just go hand in hand. Like salt~n~pepper, fork~n~knife, ya get my drift. I want to feel loved, protected, loved, and lusted after.


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## johndz (Dec 19, 2013)

Yes SIM if full of pain stories, but they personas than need to tell thir stories. In my case sex was great, but we have other problems, and I am becaming very proud, so of time to time we have bad ti,e this is a cycle nad I am tired of this and sad.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

TAM is not a representative sample of married couples. Do their frustrations bear relevance to the general public? Surely.

Is marriage a wise choice? People keep doing it, so they seem to think so. Is marriage good for your sex life? Well, many marriages lead to children and children for sure reduce the opportunity for sex. Most men and women are prepared for less sex. But some women are anxious to get back in the saddle after having a baby because they want to know if their sex life will recover after squeezing out a baby.

A lot of marriages end in divorce and disagreement about sex is major reason. However, men and women don't understand that their sex lives failed because of resentment and disappointment. The person they thought was so great does not live up to all the expectations.

When women use the denial of sex to change their husbands that is a major blow to a relationship. It's real humilation to men who sometimes feel unloved. Actually wives haven't completely stopped loving yet.

Also, men do things, like look a porn, look at other women IRL, and that p1sses women off. Not mention, they lose jobs, gain weight, drink too much beer. Watch sports on TV but cannot do 25 push ups. Mismangement of finances is another killer.


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> TAM is not a representative sample of married couples. Do their frustrations bear relevance to the general public? Surely.
> 
> Is marriage a wise choice? People keep doing it, so they seem to think so. Is marriage good for your sex life killer.


2 comments . there is a lot of naysayers to the idea of the marriage here but that's because there's been a lot of pain here. also seems to be some biological mismatching the clocks between men and women. for my sample size of one the 40 something year old married woman is insatiable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pinotnoir (Jul 13, 2013)

ntamph said:


> Have the posts in the sex section made marriage seem like a bad idea to you?


No, the reality of being married has made marriage seem like a bad idea. Worst mistake of my life.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> It's a guide of what not to do and I find that very useful in remembering what's important.


:iagree:


I've always viewed mutual respect, understanding and communication key in any relationship, and the SIM thread simply endorses that belief even further.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

If you read enough posts in the sex in marriage section, you really start to wonder if the the Holy Grail of TAM which is : "There is never a reason to cheat" is always 100% true.

I do believe that there is no reason to cheat, and those who endure YEARS of sexless marriages should move on, but sometimes I admit I'll read a particular thread and say to myself : " Oh just go get something on the side already"


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## Gseries (Jan 6, 2013)

pinotnoir said:


> No, the reality of being married has made marriage seem like a bad idea. Worst mistake of my life.


The concept of marriage, or the person you married?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

barbados said:


> If you read enough posts in the sex in marriage section, you really start to wonder if the the Holy Grail of TAM which is : "There is never a reason to cheat" is always 100% true.
> 
> I do believe that there is no reason to cheat, and those who endure YEARS of sexless marriages should move on, but sometimes I admit I'll read a particular thread and say to myself : " Oh just go get something on the side already"


I don't ever see myself cheating again. But if my marriage became sexless for more than a month and it had nothing to do with a physical or mental health issue. I would be honest with my wife and tell her that I am going to start looking elsewhere to fulfill that need. I don't see anything wrong with it if you tell the person upfront. On the flipside if they have no desire to have sex anyway. Why should they care if you are having sex? You've relived them of the "burden".


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)




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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Marriage generally offers some very real benefits if you're a woman. If you're a man, not so much.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Waits4Mr.Right said:


> Yes, it seems to me that once you say the "I Do's", all Fun Including sex seems to fly out the window. Almost as if, "I've got the girl, so now i don't need to to try anymore" theory. I'm really scared this will be the case with my current boyfriend. He keeps refusing how he understands how the sex slows way down later on in the relationship. I'm like, "I Don't! " then again maybe i have a high sex drive and he's in his slowing down stage. *I'm 38, and he's 62. Just like I told him, quality time is important, but sex is right on up there too*. I have to have both! They just go hand in hand. Like salt~n~pepper, fork~n~knife, ya get my drift. I want to feel loved, protected, loved, and lusted after.


62 ....he is 23 yrs older!... Oh honey... If I was you, I would not touch that... I came into my HIGH drive at age 42 and I was wishing my husband was 18 yrs old, I could have taken on 3 young men the way I was feeling... you haven't even gotten there yet... Mine was 45 at the time & in my frustration I sent him off to get his Testosterone checked...This calmed down in me thankfully.. but had he been in his 60's. no way could I have survived it.. 

I've read a lot about Testosterone, men that age... the vast majority, you might as well hang up the "lust" factor... even my own husband, just turned 50... it is more about the drive for *emotional connection *over Lust.. I would kinda LIKE that though...we do "build it up" but if I waited till he FELT that way outright, I'd have to starve him for days.. I simply am not that patient. 

Higher drive women would be better off being with a man a little younger, if at all possible, it is just more compatible "physical needs" speaking.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Marriage generally offers some very real benefits if you're a woman. If you're a man, not so much.


After my marriage ended, I can really see this point. I earn a decent living for myself, I can cook, clean, do laundry, take care of personal hygine without reminders. Basically, all of the tangibles, I can be completely self sufficient, and am very good at it.

With my STBW, we have no children together, and since I was snipped over a decade ago, that is not even a possibility. I do not need her for anything at all beyond emotional and physical companionship, which I know I could keep without marriage.


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## johnAdams (May 22, 2013)

ntamph said:


> I had a great Christmas. And now that I've returned to TAM, the Sex in Marriage forum has been depressing lately.
> 
> Why would anyone sign up for what people (especially married men) go through? There are happy stories but there are mostly horror stories.
> 
> ...


There were a couple of light hearted, good news type of threads on sex in marriage that were deleted by the moderator. Per the mod, they do not want to turn the sex in marriage forum into a "Penthouse Forum". So, unless you have a problems or something depressing going on, the thread will probably be deleted.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

In the past when threads got deleted from SIM it's because they had become too sexually charged. I haven't been there in a long time, though.

However, it is possible to relate positive messages about sex without going into too much graphic detail. The graphic detail is where it seems to start getting into iffy territory where the mods delete them. Understandable, as once the threads become too graphic then they can become an end in and of themselves for some users.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


> In the past when threads got deleted from SIM it's because they had become too sexually charged. I haven't been there in a long time, though.
> 
> However, it is possible to relate positive messages about sex without going into too much graphic detail. The graphic detail is where it seems to start getting into iffy territory where the mods delete them. Understandable, as once the threads become too graphic then they can become an end in and of themselves for some users.


Sorry to contradict, but I spend the bulk of my time here at TAM in the SIM section. Graphic isn't the issue. It's exactly as John Adams said. If the OP doesn't post a question that directly reflects a problem regarding sex, the whole thread is deleted.

I had a thread over the summer stating how I disliked 69. Was a very fun thread and got rather graphic. It is still there...last I checked. But recently I had another thread, in which both Mr and Mrs Adams delightfully contributed, about trying to remember the best sex you ever had, and that was deleted. Not because it was graphic, but because faulty memory is not sex problem.... 

As it was explained to me, SIM threads can become extremely graphic so long as the details contained therein are directly in response to a problem with sex in marriage.


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## Davelli0331 (Apr 29, 2011)

That's why I couched it with "I haven't been there in a while". Just offering how I remember it a few years ago. Perhaps I'm misremembering.


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## Oldfaithful (Nov 27, 2013)

Maybe rename it "talk about marriage problems" or the forum to "bad sex in marriage"


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Davelli0331 said:


>


Right! We need to change our perspectives! Some of our situations are much worse than the viewpoint on this place though, so I still consider it a place for positive support admist some of the typical issues which you may feel at the time are not that typical. Many times it is just a bad relationship, or someone has checked out, or someone has claimed the superior position and there's nothing to do but leave.


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