# Question on EA



## amiright (Nov 7, 2012)

Ok here goes, I've been lurking for a while and need to get an honest opinion.

this all started in the middle of September. My wife owns a small antiques business and as you can imagine is in contact with tons of individuals on a daily basis. I have access to her email account and once in a while will pop on her IPAD and check it out. I don't usually tell her but she's not hiding it either. In mid September she gets a e-mail from one of her clients who needs to pick something up and ends with maybe I can take you out to dinner after. My wife replies with a thank you that's very nice of you but I'm married. OK things are cool my stomach is fine and we move on a week. 

Guys send another e-mail looking forward to antique show blah,
blah blah hope to see you there. My wife replies and says yes she will be there have a great day. Now this starts to be a daily occurance and my wife is responding to the comments. Please note that these are very run of the mill notes going back and forth...but I'm starting to get a little nervous as every time he sends a note he gets some type of response. 

I read the forums so now I need to get a little more information so I go over to our cell phone records to check. I know the guy is from another town and different area code and find his number. At this point nothing serious is happening and he leaves two different e-mails which are harmlous that she doesn't respond to. Back to feeling OK. Then I looking at the phone detail and see that she calls him, the next thing I know there starting to text, I look at a couple of them on her phone and agian they look harmless but my wife might respond with a smiley face, not her style.

An important point to make at this point in the story is she never tells me about the e-mails going back and forth or ever mentions this guys name. Which in most cases she would discuss clients with me...she knows I can be jealous.

Move forward and they start texting a little more but it's maybe a string of 6 or 10 not 100 a day or an hour phone call,.but when the guys contacts her she will always respond. I also notice that in her e-mail there was a long string between the two that I could read but one day she deletes them all. No her usual method of operation. Some of the e-mails he sends end with sweet dreams or had so much fun seeing you today...but while my wife does respond there is nothing in her reponses I would get upset with. However at this point I'm very upset and am having trouble sleeping or concentrating at work. What I'm most upset with is that a couple of times she called him. So another week goes by and agian they might text back and forth or a call will be made but I can't see the detail but know that I'm pissed off.

I have all the e-mails and detail on the phone and she comes home from work one night and I confront her. I have to come clean it wasn't in a calm manner and she listens and explians that yes he is a client and they have been talking. She understands my concerns and comes clean that the guy did ask her out without me exposing that information. She says that if you feel uncomfortable I will stop contacting him. Fast forward two weeks only one email from him which takes my wife 3 or 4 days to respond to and nothing else. 

My wife is not great at discussing feelings and I want to get into more detail about it, she says there is really nothing to discuss she was trying to build up new business and the guy was going to spend money. 

Can anyone explain what this is. A wife using her skills to drum up business or is this how emotional affairs start.

Second I'm still pissed about this and it looks to me she has moved on. Agian for all the snooping I'm doing including phone and E-mail it looks like no contact. I have written her a long e-mail explaining the reasons why I'm upset but haven't sent it to her...should I


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

I dont like any woman talking to my husband the way I would "sweet dreams". blah blah blah! 

I honestly dont think she has crossed any boundaries, you read her responses when she didnt know you were reading them. I would let it go at what she said and keep an eye on it!

At this point to do you feel like she has crossed any boundaries in your marriage?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I think as long as your wife remains tranparent, and appreciates the protection you offer for the marriage, then your good.

However, trust but verify!

This OM (other man) sound like he's trying to get a piece of your wife and your wife is blinded by the business it will bring her.

I suggest you hold on to the emails you are about to send, give it a day and stay close to this forum and get other perspective and then rewrite if need be.

There are alot of good folk here and you may want to add and delete some of the thing in your email.


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## amiright (Nov 7, 2012)

Just one that stands out. They must have had some phone conversation where she gave him a small estate that he could buy out that was not in our town. He sent an e-mail and he said if your serious about hanging out when I'm doing the buy out I would like that. It gave the impression that she was going to me him somehere. Agian she never mentioned this to me. The other thing that I can't understand is that the e-mail were going back and forth, then it went to phone calls and e-mails, what's that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is this OM working it to see if your wife will give it up for a pay out!
Hell your wife might even be impressed by this guys money, hell there even could be an addtaction there.

So yes brother you have every right to be very concerned!

Again your wife might be blinded by the money and is to niave to see what this guy is asking for. MAybe she's not blind at all and is digging the attenion she is getting by getting hit on by OM.

From were I'm sitting she is on a very slipery slope, but make no mistake this guy wants a piece of your wife and is willing to pay for it.

See its hard to gage cuz of the jealousy you have she may have been worried about your reaction or she digs this guy...its hard to say why she hides this "business deal" she has going on.

But I would go as far as to do your own research on the OM and find out who this guy is and if he is married. Hell his credit might be crap and couldn't afford to by a used toaster at a garage sale much less a whole estate.
Know your enemies kind of thing....
Continue to watch and listen...get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and plant it in her car(velcrow it under her seat)..hell get two and plant one at her shop.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

amiright said:


> Ok here goes, I've been lurking for a while and need to get an honest opinion.
> 
> this all started in the middle of September. My wife owns a small antiques business and as you can imagine is in contact with tons of individuals on a daily basis. I have access to her email account and once in a while will pop on her IPAD and check it out. I don't usually tell her but she's not hiding it either. In mid September she gets a e-mail from one of her clients who needs to pick something up and ends with maybe I can take you out to dinner after. My wife replies with a thank you that's very nice of you but I'm married. OK things are cool my stomach is fine and we move on a week.
> 
> ...


Tell her to ditch the guy. She should tell him she's married and he knows it and she does not appreciate his asking her out and that he should go find someone else to do his business with. Get lost and good riddance.

Your wife should not trade on the other man's wishful thinking of having sex with her. That is very disrespectful to you. It makes it look to the other man like your wife doesn't love you and is interested in seeing what the other man has to offer (even if she isn't). If you can't see how disrespectful this is to you, I can't explain it to you.

What's more important, her marriage to you, your feelings, or making a few buck off of this POS?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Don't send her the email, tell her to her face. Be firm and tell her you love her and you won't put up with this type of thing ever again. Next time it happens will be the last.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Take Will Kane's advice. 
She likely hasn't done anything yet. But throw enough bait into the pond and you'll catch what you want - only the most savvy fish will avoid the bait. That's not your wife. 

Do find out if this dude has a significant other. Likely he does. Find out who she is. She needs to know that her SO is fishing in your pond.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

amiright said:


> Just one that stands out. They must have had some phone conversation where she gave him a small estate that he could buy out that was not in our town. *He sent* *an e-mail and he said if your serious about hanging out when I'm doing the buy out I would like that*. It gave the impression that she was going to me him somehere. Agian she never mentioned this to me. The other thing that I can't understand is that the e-mail were going back and forth, then it went to phone calls and e-mails, what's that.


So does this mean that she was the one who proposed hanging out?


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

you have the number, call the guy up and warn him to stay away from your wife, that would be my first thing to do, you have every right. The guy us a scum bag, he trying to get into your wifes pants even after she told him she is married. Why wait for something to come out of it.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, I see your wife's interest. 

For a big enough client with a big enough commission at the end, you can tell me to go running through a hot bed of coals and I will. 

So, how much is this guy willing to spend then? That is the question. 
Is it enough to warrant this kind of attention. If her typical order is only $1000, and he wants to spend $20,000, then YES! It does require a lot of attention. 
If it is $500, then we got a problem. 

I would suggest looking into that. 

Also, figuring this guy out. 
Some guys just attract women. And if your wife really wants him, she'll have him. You'll just get in the way. 
Sorry to sound cynical, but being honest. I don't want you on here in 5 months saying you got a wife that has been cheating on you with a male client. 

You need to figure out, how much of this is related to business, and if the business warrants her attention. 
If it doesn't, you need to nip it in the bud. 

Then again, if she wants him bad enough, she'll just take it underground...


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

amiright said:


> I have all the e-mails and detail on the phone and she comes home from work one night and I confront her. I have to come clean it wasn't in a calm manner and she listens and explians that yes he is a client and they have been talking. She understands my concerns and comes clean that the guy did ask her out without me exposing that information. She says that if you feel uncomfortable I will stop contacting him. Fast forward two weeks only one email from him which takes my wife 3 or 4 days to respond to and nothing else.


Well done, you are right on to this, not many men do it like that!



amiright said:


> _My wife is not great at discussing feelings_ and I want to get into more detail about it, she says there is really nothing to discuss she was trying to build up new business and the guy was going to spend money.
> 
> Can anyone explain what this is. A wife using her skills to drum up business or is this how emotional affairs start.


This is no doubt an EA starting, and it is not _or/or_, it is _and/and._ By way of a business building routine, she could get into a full blown EA. My opinion is that she was on that route, especially when the texting started.

But pay special attention to your 'feelings remark'. Here is work to do on your relation. Maybe she has shut down her sensitive side to _you_. Are you in some way giving cause to an emotional void in your relation? Or is she?



amiright said:


> Second I'm still pissed about this and it looks to me she has moved on. Agian for all the snooping I'm doing including phone and E-mail it looks like no contact. I have written her a long e-mail explaining the reasons why I'm upset but haven't sent it to her...should I


Don't send the email, see the '180'. Take a strong stand, don't explain more than you have already done. She knows very well what happened, and knows that she was a bit to much pleased with her new friend than is appropriate. 

But it is not over, you need yourself to get emotional closure on this. First you have to monitor her in quiet mode.Take time to gather facts and hopefully you won't find anything. Then you will have assured yourself. 

You cannot be assured by her, cheaters lie perfectly and you will always be uncertain. Not a good foundation for the rest of your marriage. 

Probably you got this in control before something could happen, so be happy with that!


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## LearninAsWeGo (Oct 20, 2012)

amiright said:


> ...Can anyone explain what this is. A wife using her skills to drum up business or is this how emotional affairs start...


What do you think?

The answer should be very obvious. If you wouldn't have caught this when you did, a month or two from now she'd have emotionally (and probably physically) left you and you and your wife would be talking divorce.

You need to man up, tell her this is totally unacceptable, and ask her what's missing in your relationship. Start marriage counseling immediately (she will learn how to communicate and you will both learn boundaries and what each other value), and read "Just Friends" by Glass.

There is no business deal that's worth risking your marriage. He is no longer allowed in her store, and she should not reply and forward all his emails and texts to you (and tell him she's doing that). Hopefully you are the major bread winner in the family, but even if not or if you guys would benefit from the money, nothing like that is worth it. She's lying to your face and you ate it up with a spoon. She valued the attention, the infatuation, and is using "business" as the excuse for a very poor and very sneaky choice that she's embarrassed about. End of story... but try to react with love and understanding, not anger (although feel free to tell him to **** off and notify his wife if he has one).



LetDownNTX said:


> ...I honestly dont think she has crossed any boundaries...


Are you that naive? Sharing emotions with same sex "friends" outside the marriage is not acceptable if you value your marriage. Even people who think they have good boundaries get sucked into it if the affair minded other individual is cunning...

*http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58594-affair-prevention.html#post1152100*


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

LearninAsWeGo said:


> Are you that naive? Sharing emotions with same sex "friends" outside the marriage is not acceptable if you value your marriage. Even people who think they have good boundaries get sucked into it if the affair minded other individual is cunning...
> 
> *http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/58594-affair-prevention.html#post1152100*


I guess maybe I am naive or maybe I just read what he wrote and didnt fill in the blanks with my own ideas. He said countless times he saw communication that was harmless, "nothing to be concerned about". He also stated that when he confonted her that she told him the communication would stop and he found an email 2 weeks later from the guy that took her 4 days later to reply to. Im assuming that it was harmless as no more was said about it. That is what I based my opinion on!!

Unless he just wants to throw her out and go all alpha on her what are his options? He can sit and wait for more incriminating evidence because at this point I dont think there is much to go on.

And how do you know she was sharing emotions with this person? You're reading between the lines...ALOT!


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## amiright (Nov 7, 2012)

I appreciate the advice from all.

A little more background. My wife and I have been married for 21.
I'm not the type kind of person who would do the VAR thing.

Again my wife has has never been good talking about feelings or emotions, when we do discuss she will shut down somewhere in the conversation. I tend to want to go over things mutiply times because sometimes I don't think she understands my concerns. She has said in the past we just spin and I tend to agree with that.

No the guy isn't one of her biggest buyers and from the e-mails he sent I can clearly see that he wants to get closer to her. My wife does have the ability to make people feel comfortable right of the bat and can be very charming. So I don't know if the guy is reading into that and thinks she likes me and look she's responding to all my e-mail/text etc. 

My wife processed my anger and did stop communicating with the guy, what she doesn't process well is that I'm deeply troubled by the whole thing. She on the other has taken feedback and moved forward. That's why I think instead of having a face to face I should send a letter about my overall concerns.

One last think... I would never contact the other man, but what the heck is wrong with people out in this world today, are they that desperate to get some that they need to make a move on a married women??????


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't bury your head in the sand, get the VARs. 

Don't assume that all men have your moral outlook and would not chase a married woman. For some azzholes, married women are a prime target for a quick sexual fling with no strings attached.

Even in a business communication, the offer of "hanging out together" is way out of line. "Let's meet for lunch" - maybe OK, but "lets hang out" is obviously not business related. Discussing personal stuff in a business setting is a bad thing.

Discussing "feelings" about personal stuff and her marriage or about you, her husband, also crosses the line.

You have to set some limits and boundaries with your wife. 

Then I would be very watchful to see if she stays within your boundaries.


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## amiright (Nov 7, 2012)

A good point was made in an earlier thread.

I do know that my wife was talking to him but have no idea what the conversation was. For all I know she could have been talking to him about antiques. But I do see the guy was pumping her ego in the e-mail and she did respond.

That's why this is a tricky thing. I read her personel e-mail without her permmision. Maybe she had things under control and realized that the guy was hitting on her, did I over react. She know that I can be a little jealous.

You can read all the treads out here and can be consumed by it and then you start taking every phone call or e-mail and read to much into it. I'm interested to see if I overreacted...I'm wondering was this the start of something or did I jump the gun. One of my biggest concerns is the fact that she did not tell me about this guy form the start especially since he asked her out on a date.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Here's exactly what the guy was/is doing, 
Instigate, Isolate and Escalate....plain and simple

Him asking a married woman out to dinner, and to hang out, she says NO and he still didnt back off, WTF. IMHO he's scum.

Agree with the other posters, very slippery slope right now.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

strugglinghusband said:


> Here's exactly what the guy was/is doing,
> Instigate, Isolate and Escalate....plain and simple
> 
> Him asking a married woman out to dinner, and to hang out, she says NO and he still didnt back off, WTF. IMHO he's scum.
> ...


You should find out more about this pos and expose if he has a wife!


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

amiright said:


> That's why this is a tricky thing. I read her personel e-mail without her permmision.


 Almost 100% of all people that were cheated on worry about reading their spouse's email. This is a false worry. As a spouse your right to protect your marraige is greater than any right that they may have to privacy. You worried about another man (OM) and you took action. As it turned out you were right to worry about the OM as he did in fact have bad intentions. You have nothing to apologize for. If she tries to play this card, pay it no serious attention and refocus the conversation on the real issue of the what happened and not how you knew.



amiright said:


> Maybe she had things under control and realized that the guy was hitting on her, did I over react.


 Since the OM asked her out on a date early on, your wife knew of his intentions yet continued the relationship with the him. Everything your wife did after the date invite was inappropriate to say the least. She was knowingly allowing him to court her. You did not over react. Your wife under reacted in protecting your marraige and she needs to take responsibly for this so that she never allows another man to court her again.



amiright said:


> She know that I can be a little jealous.


 The OM asked your wife out on a date and she continued to allow him to court her. You have a right to be jealous when you are correct. Rather than worry about being called jealous, you should worry why she allowed this to continue. She needs to apologize and be remorseful for this.



amiright said:


> One of my biggest concerns is the fact that she did not tell me about this guy form the start especially since he asked her out on a date.


 She did not tell you because she knew that if you knew that you would put a stop to it. She was knowingly giving the other man (OM) a shot at winning her over. She enjoyed the attention and was leading him on. By her actions she was letting him know that her turning him down early on for a date was not a "no never" type of thing, but a "no not this early in the relationship" type of thing; like not kissing on the first date but scheduling a second date. You have reason to be upset. 

Do not let her sweep this under the rug. She just gave you a test. If you do nothing, she will feel safe doing this again the next time, but next time she will be better at hiding it. Sorry that you are here. You did not over react, you have under reacted.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to be in the "know" get the VAR protect your self from possibly being deceived AGIAN, and if all is good then move on.

With her not being transparent it is concerning and not over reacting.

Over reacting would be planting a VAR when she is being tranparent, so since she is not you diserve to know if you are getting screwed over.

PLANT THE VAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

amiright said:


> I'm interested to see if I overreacted...I'm wondering was this the start of something or did I jump the gun..


You read a text stated by the OM that if she want to hang out he will buy up the whole estate! Some POS asks your wife out on a date and you wonder if your jumping the gun?

Stop second quessing your self and quitely investigate both the OM and your wife.

Once you have some *facts* then you can deside if you are jumping the gun or not.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

amiright said:


> A good point was made in an earlier thread.
> 
> I do know that my wife was talking to him but have no idea what the conversation was. For all I know she could have been talking to him about antiques. But I do see the guy was pumping her ego in the e-mail and she did respond.
> 
> ...


Dear amiright,

Let me make a few observations.

First, note the two statements above that I've bolded. Then consider the user name you gave yourself, "amiright." What this tells me is that you are the typical American (or Canadian or British) male who has little self-confidence or self-respect. Why do you need other people to tell you if you are overreacting or not? Grow a pair and do what *you* think you need to do, don't wait for others to tell you. If you are troubled by your wife's behavior (and you should be, see below), then let her know this, tell her what you expect from her from now on and make clear to her that you will tolerate any repeat suspicious behavior.

Second, you have more than ample reasons to be concerned, for the following reasons: (1) marital infidelity is rampant in the western world, no one including you is immune from becoming the victim of it and everyone including your wife is capable of engaging in it; (2) your wife has had and continues to have ample opportunities to cheat if she wishes to (_"My wife owns a small antiques business and as you can imagine is in contact with tons of individuals on a daily basis"_); (3) she has engaged in suspicious behavior _(_from your first post: _"Move forward and they start texting a little more but it's maybe a string of 6 or 10 not 100 a day or an hour phone call,.but when the guys contacts her she will always respond. I also notice that in her e-mail there was a long string between the two that I could read but one day she deletes them all. No her usual method of operation"_; from your second post: _"He sent an e-mail and he said if your serious about hanging out when I'm doing the buy out I would like that. It gave the impression that she was going to me him somehere. Agian she never mentioned this to me. The other thing that I can't understand is that the e-mail were going back and forth, then it went to phone calls and e-mails."_); (4) most wives when first confronted about possible infidelities are less than honest (read all the other posts on this site); (5) you continue to feel in your gut that things aren't quite right and you should (from your first post: _" ... I want to get into more detail about it, she says there is really nothing to discuss ..."_).

Third, stop saying things like _"I'm not the type kind of person who would do the VAR thing"_ and _"I would never contact the other man."_ Sometimes a man has to do such things in order to preserve his marriage. Your attitude should be that you will do whatever it takes to protect yours.

Finally, I'm not saying that your wife is or has done anything *terribly* wrong but you originally asked, _"is this how emotional affairs start"._ The answer is *yes*.

So man up and make sure your wife knows how you feel, what you expect from her and that if she doesn't do what you ask there will be consequences. Do it face-to-face (only wussies deliver these kinds of messages in e-mails), be firm but also be calm and keep your emotions under check. Then continue to monitor her behavior and, if she doesn't give you any further reasons for concern, never bring it up again. After that, make sure you give your wife what she needs (a feeling of security, the knowledge that you love, respect and appreciate her and lots of good sex).

Real men let their women know what they expect from them and don't accept anything less. Be a real man.

Please also read very carefully TRy's latest post. He's right on in every respect and, in order to boost your testosterone level, I suggest you check out Blog | Married Man Sex Life

Best of luck.


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