# Best way to accept divorce and let go



## loverher (Dec 3, 2012)

Trying to accept that the divorce is going through and not wanting to let go! Any tips to make this easier? Something in me still tells me we can "R" even if "D" goes through.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

I live with the same feeling even though my wife doesn't want to see my face ever again......let alone talk to me.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> I live with the same feeling even though my wife doesn't want to see my face ever again......let alone talk to me.


Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.

My case is a little different because I married someone with very high NPD/BPD traits who wouldn't hesitate to venture outside the marriage to find validation. I was the one who was neglected emotionally in the marriage. At the end it didn't matter how much I bent over backwards to please her.

She could care less if I was homeless, because everything is about 'her'.

What I found is that eases my pain is the fact she is dating someone now and they get the pleasure of her misery. I know she will never have a last relationship, she isn't capable of it.

That has proven itself in her past and present.

My mind knows she is no good. The problem is convincing your heart.


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## zappy88200 (Dec 6, 2012)

Ostera said:


> Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean *we can take the W for granted.*QUOTE]
> 
> I think you are right brother but I did not take my wife for granted or may be I did.
> 
> ...


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> Ostera said:
> 
> 
> > Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean *we can take the W for granted.*QUOTE]
> ...


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

loverher said:


> Trying to accept that the divorce is going through and not wanting to let go! Any tips to make this easier? Something in me still tells me we can "R" even if "D" goes through.


Easier?

Accept it for what it is and move on.

As long as you still cling to hope and assumptions you will continue to torture yourself.

It's all under your control.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

zappy88200 said:


> I live with the same feeling even though my wife doesn't want to see my face ever again......let alone talk to me.


The best situation possible to move on with your life.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> Been separated since Sept 21. The only advise I can give is that R usually fails. I think that what happens for men is we get too involved in the eveyday things and forget that just because we are married doesn't mean we can take the W for granted.
> 
> My case is a little different because I married someone with very high NPD/BPD traits who wouldn't hesitate to venture outside the marriage to find validation. I was the one who was neglected emotionally in the marriage. At the end it didn't matter how much I bent over backwards to please her.
> 
> ...


If your mind really knew it.

You wouldn't have to convince any part of you.

Bending over backwards for anyone to please them is also a bad trait to have.

Giving to get will not last long.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> zappy88200 said:
> 
> 
> > I believe you are probably much younger than I (I'm 50). But I will say this. When I look back on my past relationship I always told them that if there was a problem please let me know and don't hold it in.
> ...


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> If your mind really knew it.
> 
> You wouldn't have to convince any part of you.
> 
> ...


That's the problem.. I am actually kind of embarrassed for doing this. At my age (50) you'ld think I would know better.

My previous wife and I had a very stable relationship. We just ended up not having the same interest anymore and drifted apart.

In this one I went from confident to beta.....My codependence kicked in and I had no clue about BPD/BPD traits until just a few months ago when I researched it. 

In counseling the therapist mentioned 'Borderline' but I didn't lock onto that or ask her to elaborate.

I was so in love with this woman I couldn't see anything through the fog.. 

I have learned a lot in the last few months.

Looking back it was the perfect storm. She is a barbed wire tornado to men.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Ostera said:


> That's the problem.. I am actually kind of embarrassed for doing this. At my age (50) you'ld think I would know better.
> 
> My previous wife and I had a very stable relationship. We just ended up not having the same interest anymore and drifted apart.
> 
> ...


So you feel if you knew about (picked up on) the BPD traits that you could have done things differently?

Granted, all actions have consequences (good and bad) but that does not mean you had the ability to control the future.

What others say and do are up to them, regardless if they are reacting to something you said or did or not.

Being able to see things for what they are and not take every little thing personally makes a huge difference.

There is nothing to be embarrassed about.

Take what you've been through and learned and apply it to the future.

Labels are a horrid way to live life though, it's very restricting.

I have lived half the life you have (only 28) but age has nothing to do with it Ostera.

All that means is you have plenty more to go on than most.

It's only hindering if you allow it to be.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

UpnOver said:


> So you feel if you knew about (picked up on) the BPD traits that you could have done things differently?
> 
> Granted, all actions have consequences (good and bad) but that does not mean you had the ability to control the future.
> 
> ...


I am really not trying to label.. I suppose I really just want to 'identify' those types of traits.. I had no clue regarding personality disorders because I never really was on a position to have to deal with them.

Now in the future when I meet someone who is so selfish and emotionally abusive I won't stick around and try to 'fix' anything.

So I a way I can control the future once these disorders surface. 

I am by no means over my stbxw yet. I gave her so much of myself that when she split I felt like she took a lot of me with her. It is getting better though.. I'm on month 3. The holidays don't make it any better.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Move on with your life. If she comes back into the picture in the future, go with it. But most likely, you would have moved on to someone better and she won't even be an option anymore.

Life goes on.


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