# church for a non-church-goer



## Adeline

I struggle with this. I am Christian, and I grew up Christian. While I lived under my parents' roof I went to church every Sunday and attended Sunday school since the day I was born. I was fine with this. After I moved out and went to college I began to go to church less and less on my own, but despite this my faith strengthened. My faith became my own, outside of the confines of organized religion. I have great spiritual discussions with my friends of varying faiths and pray daily. Some of my beliefs and biblical viewpoints differ from mainstream Christianity. This probably further perpetuates me shying away from regularly attending a church.

If I am visiting my parents (or inlaws) on a Sunday or religious holiday, we go to church. I do enjoy this. And on a rare occasion will attend a church on my own. I did this more often where we lived before (probably once a month), but since moving here I haven't found a church that I really like... probably find myself in a sanctuary 2 or 3 times a year. My husband grew up the same way as me, and also seems to feel similar now about not needing to attend. Though I know his personal faith has dwindled, so that's where we differ.

ANyways, the point of this thread is sort of to those who also feel like this, or to any Christian for that matter. Am I missing out? If I don't feel a huge desire to attend a church regularly, should I just leave it at that? Or should I push myself to go? Should I push my husband to go with me? For those that know my story they know he isn't here a lot, so I know that this would fall into the category of mostly a personal decision rather than a decision for our marriage. I'm just not sure how I feel additionally about being a regular attender as a married single person.

I do know it can be a wonderful community of support, but at the same time I do feel rather private and selective about who knows about my personal life. I also don't know if me not being as conservative or legalistic about my beliefs could cause tension and/or make it impossible for me to integrate. I don't want to be judged. The churches here are small and in the midst of the bible belt. I'm not sure if they have what I am looking for. The church that I attended before we moved was a large non-denominational church that was very modern in its worship and sermons. I didn't involve myself in any groups there though, just attended the services once every month or 2. They were very uplifting. 

I'm not sure if I'm wondering if this will help more for myself or for my marriage. Or even if I should change my views. I don't know. Thoughts from my fellow believers?


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## Jellybeans

Only you can decide what is right for you. 

Live your life for you.


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## Fozzy

I've felt like this before, and went for several years without going to church. I wanted to get back in, mainly to give my kids a good foundation, but struggled to find a church that clicked with me. Eventually I found one that that worked for me. What made it click for me was that they actually focused on things that seemed relevant to my life. Not just teaching me about the story of Jonah for example, but why the story actually is still relevant today in a real world context.

Additionally, the congregation seems legitimately friendly and non-judgmental, which is a big plus for me.


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## Adeline

Jellybeans said:


> Only you can decide what is right for you.
> 
> Live your life for you.


Part of making decisions for ourselves is gathering information and hearing from other people about their experiences in similar situations.



Fozzy said:


> I've felt like this before, and went for several years without going to church. I wanted to get back in, mainly to give my kids a good foundation, but struggled to find a church that clicked with me. Eventually I found one that that worked for me. What made it click for me was that they actually focused on things that seemed relevant to my life. *Not just teaching me about the story of Jonah for example, but why the story actually is still relevant today in a real world context.*
> 
> Additionally, the congregation seems legitimately friendly and non-judgmental, which is a big plus for me.


See, I don't even have any kids yet and yet for some reason it has been on my heart lately about whether or not I "need" church. I wonder if it will help my marriage, but a bigger part of me wonders if it will help me. 

And to the bolded, I so agree! There are 2 different types of sermon delivering in that sense. I grew up in the first kind; biblical stories and principles in a sort of historical and fact delivering format. And then the other kind which I enjoy more which is application of said biblical stories and principles into your own daily life. The church where I lived before was very much so the latter.


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## Fozzy

If you're not really the type to get involved with the congregation on a personal level, I can see your point about wanting to avoid smaller churches. Maybe look around the internet--some churches offer their services via podcast or even live stream. This gives you a chance to "sample the goods" without that awkward acclimation period.


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## alphaomega

Going to church doesn't make you a good Christian. You do that on your own. I've seen people go to church regularly, but aren't actually good Christians, or nice people, for that matter.


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## alphaomega

For reference, I don't attend church at all anymore.

I actually went to service a short while ago, in a new setting. The service was mostly a group of four people up front playing guitar, singing songs about god with lyrics I'm sure they were just making up on the spot. And really bad singing voices. And a lot of people in the pews raising and waving thier hands in the air complementing how god must have been there with them this morning because they found the brand of orange juice at the store that they usually get.

Seriously?

Well. Whatever. They obviously found a place of ritual that they bonded to. Me? It seemed too cultish for me at the time. 

And, no...I didn't drink the orange juice....


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## Tasorundo

I don't think you have to go to church, but I think it is important to be in community with other believers. Christianity is not meant to be lived in a bubble. To know and be known is an important part of the whole thing.


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## Fozzy

Tasorundo said:


> I don't think you have to go to church, but I think it is important to be in community with other believers. Christianity is not meant to be lived in a bubble. To know and be known is an important part of the whole thing.



:iagree:
Totally agree with this. The difficult part sometimes is finding a group of people who are there to support and help each other, rather than watch-dog and judge each other.


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## Adeline

I don't think it's so much me questioning whether or not a Christian "needs" to attend a church, because I don't really believe that since I (obviously) haven't been doing that for years, yet I still feel strong in my faith. I guess it was more I'm curious what it'd be like to be a part of one again, and it's more figuring out how much I should push myself should I feel uneasy or turned off once I start. Like, if I feel aforementioned emotions after attending a church once or twice should I push myself to continue to go since it is overall a positive thing and may be better in the long run, or should I quit if it doesn't feel like it's for me. That's more what I was inquiring. Because like was mentioned earlier, I feel once I have children I want them to grow up in a church, so it almost feels hypocritical that I have stopped going myself. But I sort of predict that I won't feel super into it the first visit or 2. Who knows! To push myself or not.


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## FormerSelf

I am sure that those who knew me when I went to church would be surprised that I haven't regularly gone for years.

I was extremely involved in church...did the whole gamut. Even studied under some great minds, learning theology, Greek, and Hebrew...and taught adult classes at church, etc. Wife became church secretary...and we were involved so much...but at the same time, we were getting burned out, and my wife had social limitations which hurt us making friends. So, basically, we served wherever we were needed, but were still lonely...especially when we were so young and no one our age were couples. We also had very little money compared to the vast majority of people who were affluent.

Church fell apart after pastor left out of the blue (embezzlement, mainly)...and we fought and stuck it out to help hold the church together until we finally had new leadership installed. That was our cue. Probably would have stayed longer if my wife felt more at home, but new pastor's wife was a complete b**** to her...as was a youth pastor's wife (who constantly pressed my wife about kids...and mentioned to my wife that her being on the pill was tantamount to abortion). It's cool if you go to church and sing and pray and clap, but when you get dirty behind the scenes, you learn a bunch of stuff you wish you didn't know and it loses its magic. That's fine...I'd rather ministry be REAL, but you start to get pissed when you see an uninvolved congregation and see people in need falling through the cracks.

So when we moved away, we were done with church. It felt like such a weight off of our shoulders. Now that I look back it, I don't know if that was the right thing to do, 'cos all I did was work a lot, purposeless, and my wife started slipping away from the marriage...and I wonder if she wouldn't have started the EA's if we hadn't a support system..but the truth was we really didn't have much of a support system while at church...you know, a close group of people that we could SAFELY be honest with and bear each other's burdens. I have always desired to have transparency in my Christian relationships...and it seems like the standard Christian-culture can't handle it.

My best friendships were the people that slugged alongside me at work...many of which weren't believers. I was overjoyed when I got a ministry-type job with at-risk youth. Found a great group of men who believed like I did 'cos most guys who dare to work with messed up kids, addicts, gangbangers...were messed up themselves. I still have those friendships even after I left like 5 years ago. During that time, we've attempted to go back to church, but we have been extremely gunshy...and even now, we still do not go. No, I am not one that believes if you miss church you go to hell, but it certainly helps your "walk" if you surround yourself with supportive friends.


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## the2ofus

Formerself, you might enjoy this podcast The God Journey - Podcast, Blog, Forum

Your story of basically opening and closing the doors of the church sound a lot like us. I landed in the hospital and no one really cared except i wasn't there for them to hear my pretty voice singing up front. Our faith grew when we stepped out of religion, out of the busyness and just sat and listened. Yes we want community but it wasn't there. Visiting a building does not give one community.


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## norajane

The Unitarian Universalist church sounds like it might be right for you - see if there is one near you and give it a try. You lose nothing if you go and it's not right for you.

Or if you really only seek discussion of spirituality, maybe they have an online forum. 

I'm not a religious person, but have some limited experience with religion and churches. Aside from community, being in church gives you an hour a week to step outside yourself and your own head and think of others and think of something other than yourself. It might be helpful to you now as you are dealing with your marital issues.


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## Fozzy

FormerSelf said:


> I am sure that those who knew me when I went to church would be surprised that I haven't regularly gone for years.
> 
> I was extremely involved in church...did the whole gamut. Even studied under some great minds, learning theology, Greek, and Hebrew...and taught adult classes at church, etc. Wife became church secretary...and we were involved so much...but at the same time, we were getting burned out, and my wife had social limitations which hurt us making friends. So, basically, we served wherever we were needed, but were still lonely...especially when we were so young and no one our age were couples. We also had very little money compared to the vast majority of people who were affluent.
> 
> Church fell apart after pastor left out of the blue (embezzlement, mainly)...and we fought and stuck it out to help hold the church together until we finally had new leadership installed. That was our cue. Probably would have stayed longer if my wife felt more at home, but new pastor's wife was a complete b**** to her...as was a youth pastor's wife (who constantly pressed my wife about kids...and mentioned to my wife that her being on the pill was tantamount to abortion). *It's cool if you go to church and sing and pray and clap, but when you get dirty behind the scenes, you learn a bunch of stuff you wish you didn't know and it loses its magic.* That's fine...I'd rather ministry be REAL, but you start to get pissed when you see an uninvolved congregation and see people in need falling through the cracks.
> 
> So when we moved away, we were done with church. It felt like such a weight off of our shoulders. Now that I look back it, I don't know if that was the right thing to do, 'cos all I did was work a lot, purposeless, and my wife started slipping away from the marriage...and I wonder if she wouldn't have started the EA's if we hadn't a support system..but the truth was we really didn't have much of a support system while at church...you know, a close group of people that we could SAFELY be honest with and bear each other's burdens. I have always desired to have transparency in my Christian relationships...and it seems like the standard Christian-culture can't handle it.
> 
> My best friendships were the people that slugged alongside me at work...many of which weren't believers. I was overjoyed when I got a ministry-type job with at-risk youth. Found a great group of men who believed like I did 'cos most guys who dare to work with messed up kids, addicts, gangbangers...were messed up themselves. I still have those friendships even after I left like 5 years ago. During that time, we've attempted to go back to church, but we have been extremely gunshy...and even now, we still do not go. No, I am not one that believes if you miss church you go to hell, but it certainly helps your "walk" if you surround yourself with supportive friends.


Everyone loves sausage, but nobody likes to see it made.


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## Adeline

the2ofus said:


> Formerself, you might enjoy this podcast The God Journey - Podcast, Blog, Forum
> 
> Your story of basically opening and closing the doors of the church sound a lot like us. * I landed in the hospital and no one really cared except i wasn't there for them to hear my pretty voice singing up front*. Our faith grew when we stepped out of religion, out of the busyness and just sat and listened. Yes we want community but it wasn't there. Visiting a building does not give one community.


oh my gosh, the bolded really struck me. I never actually had that exact experience, but just the notion of it is something I can relate to. The whole idea of do these people actually care about me in a real world setting? It's easy to be nice to people and say your "hi's" and "how do you do's" after service, but will you really be there when their life is in shambles or seek to understand what they're really about? Yep yep yep. That is something I fear would happen as well. We want to know that when we invest our time and emotions in people, that they will do the same as well.


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## Fozzy

Adeline said:


> oh my gosh, the bolded really struck me. I never actually had that exact experience, but just the notion of it is something I can relate to. The whole idea of do these people actually care about me in a real world setting? It's easy to be nice to people and say your "hi's" and "how do you do's" after service, but will you really be there when their life is in shambles or seek to understand what they're really about? Yep yep yep. That is something I fear would happen as well. We want to know that when we invest our time and emotions in people, that they will do the same as well.


Churches do exist where people actually care about each other. You do have to search for them sometimes, but they're not mermaid-rare or anything.

IMO, a lot of it has to do with the demographic, sad to say. A lot of your more old-school type churches are more about being seen in a pew (in you sunday best!), vs more modern, younger demographic churches sometimes have more of a supportive spirit. At least that's been my experience.

Kind of sad, because I really dislike the modern gospel music that comes with it--I say let gospel be gospel and let rock be rock. Those two things are like peanut butter and fried chicken--each good on their own, but it's a disaster when you combine them.


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## Adeline

oh, I know, I don't mean to sound like a church-basher. Overall I think churches are great for many people. But sometimes the focus can be off for people involved in such a setting. I long for true fellowship, not just read the bible, pray, eat a lemon square and leave. My mom did make some long-time friendships that she still keeps in contact with from the church they were apart of when us kids were growing up. And then many of the members were simply just people she chatted with there and nothing more. 

And I agree with the differences in churches, usually the old school vs modern are different in their evangelical approach as well. Old school usually caters to the existing members, while modern seeks to bring in new believers. Generally speaking, that is.

Too funny, because I sort of feel the opposite about music. I enjoy the traditional hymns as well, but I like me some contemporary worship


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## PieceOfSky

I have known some churches and ministers to have a web presence, from which one can get some idea about their theology and "feel". This included web sites and social media like Facebook.



I do not go to church, but have caught a glimpse of a handful through old school friends on Facebook.



My parent's church, which I grew up attending, is "old school" when it comes to gospel music. They still have a very caring congregation. I didn't realize some might see a correlation.


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## FormerSelf

Adeline said:


> And I agree with the differences in churches, usually the old school vs modern are different in their evangelical approach as well. Old school usually caters to the existing members, while modern seeks to bring in new believers. Generally speaking, that is.


I know of a few churches that will have a contemporary service and a traditional service to try to meet generational preferences. I grew up as a kid going (being dragged) to this very chapel:








I also was dragged to other types of services, some timid...some pretty wild (no snakes, however. haha). 

A church I recently went to, the pastor just uses his iPhone to read Scripture. With another church, the pastor always uses a Bible and expects everyone to have one. Some will scribble notes all up in the pages...some wouldn't dare. None of these issues matter to me, but I realize some are really sensitive and particular about their preferences. I find today that most churches are pretty homogeneous as they try to reflect some semblance of modernism and don't want to freak out visitors...so most shy away from being arduously long or overly-charismatic.

My ideal church is a body that is de-centralized...greater focus on smaller groups so that people will stay connected (home groups or cell groups)...and has leadership that believe in equipping the whole church to be ministers to their community, in their job, or wherever they feel led to shine. Church in my opinion, should be commissioning new generations to be lights to the world...and less custodial in preferences that are usually culturally arbitrary. And that's just my preference and not meant to be a indictment of other models...because I don't think it should be the same everywhere.


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## johny1989

Jellybeans said:


> Only you can decide what is right for you.
> 
> Live your life for you.


Correct you have your own life so just focus on that and do whatever you want to do..


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## SimplyAmorous

> *The2ofus said: *Your story of basically opening and closing the doors of the church sound a lot like us. I landed in the hospital and no one really cared except i wasn't there for them to hear my pretty voice singing up front. Our faith grew when we stepped out of religion, out of the busyness and just sat and listened. Yes we want community but it wasn't there. Visiting a building does not give one community.


 I've heard many similar stories from others...it's very unfortunate as this is what the church is supposed to foster...and Be about.. People !

I can't say these are my reasons for slipping away ....

When it came to our Pastor taking the time... showing he cared about his Congregation.. I couldn't speak a word against him.....He came to pray over me for all 6 babies... 2 sons in the hospital - he was there ... and for others -he was good like this.... there was that sense of community... I used to go to Bible studies, a Mom's group.... 

The Problem for me came to be about Doctrine, not about the people....though this did cause it's conflict - mentally... then feeling "where do I fit in?" - I can't speak these thoughts too loud!

I was that regular Church goer..oh I had my phases over the years.. 3 times a week.. to once a week... to a couple times a month going....while still questioning so much of Christianity, I am just the doubting Thomas type..!

It fascinates me why people believe as they do.. I would buy books on the difficult passages of scripture / on Cults...Christian Apologetics .. one was called "When Critics ask?"......yet the more I learned ...the more questions I had!!!

It came to the point I had to explore where these doctrines came from...learn of history... the men behind it all.. even in this you will get 2 sides to the story..... I found I had more in common with the Heretics of Old.. what was I supposed to do with that [email protected]#$%.. In good conscience.. I couldn't call myself a Believer any more..

But the  part was... when you quit going to church... you do miss those people....even if they remain on our FB ... it just *isn't the same*.. in this way.. I sometimes feel I am missing out...

I see too many Grey's in life.....I am not a Moral absolutist.. but a Moral Realist.. then there are so many ways to interpret the Bible on top of all of this !!...I have found I have more in common with anyone -if we just look past our Creeds.....

I like who I am more today over who I was back then..(so does Husband !)... I worried over many things, felt God was going to punish me ... when is the hammer going to fall because I loved Rock music, an R rated steamy scene, Romance Novels...enjoyed my BF in intimate places - I just felt guilty over many things that I knew I wasn't going to give up... Oldest son just tells me "Mom you had Religion"... really.. it stole some of my JOY.. 

When son comes home... I sometimes go ...Him & 2nd son are more Christian over Me & Dad (my Husband never cared - but was happy to tag along all those years)... 

But when I am on their ground..(any Church... Jewish, Mormon, Christian, etc )... I will show proper RESPECT and can hang with anyone, I enjoy learning of others beliefs......








I still get goose bumps & almost tear up with some of the songs sung in church even today...

Do what brings out the best in you.. I think we all need some sort of "fellowship" in life.. but this can be found in friendships along the way -just hanging & sharing our experiences with each other...

I guess I see this as our real challenges in life.. religion aside...


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## violet37

:smthumbup:


Tasorundo said:


> I don't think you have to go to church, but I think it is important to be in community with other believers. Christianity is not meant to be lived in a bubble. To know and be known is an important part of the whole thing.


I so agree with this! Going to church doesn't make you a "better Christian" all to itself, but you do need to surround yourself with other believers. And there is soooo much difference between different churches. Just keep testing the waters of different churches, and of different denominations too if you are undecided. I've been attending a primitive Baptist church for a few years now, and even though they are old-fashioned in some ways (such not having any musical instruments, just beautiful singing and harmonies,) they are the most accepting and forgiving group of people I have ever met in my whole life. It is so different from the highly judgmental, in your business bunch that I grew up around. It sounds to me you havn't found your "people". And while a little awkward that your husband doesn't go, I can assure you that you will not be the only "lone spouse". There are several of those where I go. Every now and then their spouse will go, but it's not the rule. Good luck to you!


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## Mr Blunt

> Or should I push myself to go? Should I push my husband to go with me?


I was forced to go to church my whole childhood, did not want to, and when I became a teenager I went wild and forgot church for years. I got married and had children and would go regularly for a while then slow way down to a few times a year.

As life went by and crises hit I went back to church and when the crises got much better I would drift off again. I now go regularly and have for the last several years. Do I get a LOT out of church, not usually a lot but sometimes I do. Do I get some spiritual nourishment? YES. I go to church for several reasons. The first is that most of my family goes and we go out to eat after church. The second is that I know I do not discipline myself enough during the week to nourish my faith so the Sunday church helps me to do what I think is right. The third is that building my faith (Faith cometh by hearing) is a very settling experience that adds security. *I am now very graceful to my parents for forcing me to go to church and Sunday School and Church camp, etc. because they provided a base of faith at an early age.*

As I get older the real important things in life usually involve my faith. The important things like family, children, sickness, blessings, jobs, health, stress in life, gratefulness, forgiveness, etc. I get great joy out of the closeness in our family and attribute part of that to the spiritual heritage that I have. We often have grandma and grandpa, me and my wife, my son and his family, my daughter when she visits my sister and her girls and others all go to church and out to eat together. We all get along and usually discuss the sermon. We often have felt a little like we are not great church people because we almost never join in all the activities that the church provides. We have concluded that is because we have most of your fellowship and spiritual discussions within the family. That seems kind of selfish but it is the truth.

After many years I found a pastor that really connects with me with his views and correct doctrine (IMO) and for that I am grateful as all the others did not have the touch for me that he does. He is very helpful because he has great faith in the Bible and is also a down to earth man. He is not a goody goody, no problems in life---- health and wealth preacher. He is down to earth and I have known of his since he was a boy. In fact his wife ran off and left him and his four children with him yet he is genuinely a joyful man. I do not know how he does it but he has proven for over 4 years that he is joyful. I think that man has been tested by fire! Here is a handsome, very fit man, that is 6 feet 2 inches tall and is a great communicator yet I have-not seen him with a woman after his wife left him many years ago.. Man o Man would I fail that test!!!

So back to your question of 
Or should I push myself to go? Should I push my husband to go with me?

*My recommendation would be for you to push yourself to go. *You may not see the great value right now but as you pass your 30s-40s-50s etc. you will appreciate the security and strength that you can get from a true faith. Going to church is not the whole enchilada. There will be times that it is just you and God and there will be times of great stress in life, issues with your children, your marriage, and times of fear and times for forgiveness. That will mostly involve you and God but scriptures have always been a great help to me. I just do not know of any other book that I can get relief and spiritual joy from other than the Bible. 

My father was given just 3-6 months to live last month and I know of no greater support than the word of God. It is a great comfort to know that your loved one will be in a place that was designed by a God that loves with a real and strong love that humans can only strive for. *In crises and death who do you have to go to if not God?*

I would only encourage your husband to go but not push.


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